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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Adventures of Mr. Verdant Green, Vols.
+I to III, by Cuthbert Bede
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Adventures of Mr. Verdant Green, Vols. I to III
+
+Author: Cuthbert Bede
+
+Release Date: November, 2003 [EBook #4644]
+Last Updated: August 7, 2012
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by R.W. Jones and Colin Choat
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+<a name="Pt1" id="Pt1"></a>
+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook of<br />
+The Adventures of Mr Verdant Green,<br />
+by Cuthbert Bede</h1>
+<br />
+<br />
+<center><b>Scanned and proofed by R. W. Jones
+(rwj@freeshell.org).<br />
+This HTML edition was produced jointly with Colin Choat
+(colc@gutenberg.org.au)<br /></b><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<table border="0" bgcolor="#DDDDFF" cellpadding="10">
+<tr>
+<td valign="top">Note:</td>
+<td>With the use of a text-to-speech player and the hard copies of
+the original editions themselves, this html edition has been
+specifically conformed as regards spelling, punctuation and content
+to the 1853, 1854 and 1857 first editions. Inconsistencies of
+italicisation, spelling, etc. which appear in the first editions
+(e.g. "shew"/"show"; "Gig-lamps" / "Giglamps") are reproduced here
+largely as they appear and without modification. Where the first
+editions contain manifest typographical errors which have been
+corrected in the later editions, these corrections (very few in
+number) are indicated in the narrative below by brackets. Greek
+letters in the original are rendered in Roman script and
+designated: "<font color="#000080">{*****}</font>". In contrast to
+the method adopted in the originals, footnotes are serially
+numbered for ease of reference. The images included before the
+contents page at the start of this and of each of the two linked
+files are (close) approximations to the originals only, not being
+incorporated in the later consolidated editions. Likewise as with
+the later hard copy editions, the images do not appear interspersed
+with the text in the exact same positions as in the first
+editions.</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<br />
+<br />
+<hr />
+<p><b>(PART I)</b></p>
+<br />
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Flyleaf drawing of VG, similar to that (in black, red lettering) in the 1853 edition***"
+src="images/FRONTIS1.JPG" width="207" height="267" /></p>
+<h2>THE ADVENTURES</h2>
+<h2><small>OF</small></h2>
+<h2><big>MR. VERDANT GREEN,</big></h2>
+<h2><i>AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.</i></h2>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BY CUTHBERT BEDE, B.A.</h3>
+<br />
+<br />
+<center><i>WITH NUMEROUS ILLUSTRATIONS,</i><br />
+DESIGNED AND DRAWN ON THE WOOD BY THE AUTHOR.</center>
+<br />
+<hr width="15%" />
+<br />
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td><small>"A COLLEGE JOKE TO CURE THE DUMPS."</small></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td align="right"><small>SWIFT.</small></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<center>LONDON: NATHANIEL COOKE,<br />
+<small>(LATE INGRAM, COOKE, AND CO.)</small><br />
+MILFORD HOUSE, STRAND.</center>
+<br />
+<hr width="5%" />
+<br />
+<center><small>1853.</small></center>
+<br />
+<br />
+<center><small>LONDON:<br />
+PRINTED BY ROBSON, LEVEY, AND FRANKLYN,<br />
+Great New Street and Fetter Lane</small></center>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<p><a href="#Pt2">Forward to Part II</a></p>
+<p><a href="#Pt3">Forward to Part III</a><br />
+<br />
+<br /></p>
+<center><a name="contents" id=
+"contents"></a><big>CONTENTS</big></center>
+<p>CHAPTER</p>
+<div align="left">
+<table summary="" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width=
+"90%">
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">I</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch1.1">Mr. Verdant Green's Relatives and
+Antecedents</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">II</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch1.2">Mr. Verdant Green is to be an
+Oxford Freshman</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">III</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch1.3">Mr. Verdant Green leaves the Home
+of his Ancestors</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">IV</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch1.4">Mr. Verdant Green becomes an
+Oxford Undergraduate</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">V</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch1.5">Mr. Verdant Green matriculates,
+and makes a sensation</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">VI</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch1.6">Mr. Verdant Green dines,
+breakfasts, and goes to Chapel</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">VII</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch1.7">Mr. Verdant Green calls on a
+Gentleman who "is licensed to sell"</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">VIII</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch1.8">Mr. Verdant Green's Morning
+Reflections are not so pleasant as his Evening Diversions</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">IX</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch1.9">Mr. Verdant Green attends
+Lectures, and, in despite of Sermons, has dealings with Filthy
+Lucre</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">X</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch1.10">Mr. Verdant Green reforms his
+Tailor's Bills and runs up others. He also appears in a rapid act
+of Horsemanship, and finds Isis cool in Summer</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">XI</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch1.11">Mr. Verdant Green's Sports and
+Pastimes</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">XII</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch1.12">Mr. Verdant Green terminates his
+existence as an Oxford Freshman</a></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+<a name="ch1.1" id="ch1.1"></a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>THE ADVENTURES<br />
+<small>OF</small><br />
+<big>MR. VERDANT GREEN.</big></h3>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER I.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN'S RELATIVES AND ANTECEDENTS.</h4>
+<p>IF you will refer to the unpublished volume of <i>Burke's Landed
+Gentry</i>, and turn to letter G, article "GREEN," you will see
+that the Verdant Greens are a family of some respectability and of
+considerable antiquity. We meet with them as early as 1096,
+flocking to the Crusades among the followers of Peter the Hermit,
+when one of their number, Greene surnamed the Witless, mortgaged
+his lands in order to supply his poorer companions with the sinews
+of war. The family estate, however, appears to have been redeemed
+and greatly increased by his great-grandson, Hugo de Greene, but
+was again jeoparded in the year 1456, when Basil Greene, being
+commissioned by Henry the Sixth to enrich his sovereign by
+discovering the philosopher's stone, squandered the greater part of
+his fortune in unavailing experiments; while his son, who was also
+infected with the spirit of the age, was blown up in his laboratory
+when just on the point of discovering the elixir of life. It seems
+to have been about this time that the Greenes became connected by
+marriage with the equally old family of the Verdants; and, in the
+year 1510, we find a Verdant Greene as justice of the peace for the
+county of Warwick, presiding at the trial of three decrepid old
+women, who, being found guilty of transforming themselves into
+cats, and in that shape attending the nightly assemblies of evil
+spirits, were very properly pronounced by him to be witches, and
+were burnt with all due solemnity.</p>
+<p>In tracing the records of the family, we do not find that any of
+its members attained to great eminence in the state, either in the
+counsels of the senate or the active services of the field; or that
+they amassed any unusual amount of wealth or landed property. But
+we may perhaps ascribe these circumstances to the fact of finding
+the Greens, generation after generation, made the dupes of more
+astute minds, and when the hour of danger came, left to manage
+their own affairs in the best way they could, - a way that commonly
+ended in their mismanagement and total confusion. Indeed, the
+idiosyncrasy of the family appears to have been so well known, that
+we continually meet with them performing the character of catspaw
+to some monkey who had seen and understood much more of the world
+than they had, - putting their hands to the fire, and only finding
+out their mistake when they had burned their fingers.</p>
+<p>In this way the family of the Verdant Greens never got beyond a
+certain point either in wealth or station, but were always the same
+unsuspicious, credulous, respectable, easy-going people in one
+century as another, with the same boundless confidence in their
+fellow-creatures, and the same readiness to oblige society by
+putting their names to little bills, merely for form's and
+friendship's sake. The Vavasour Verdant Green, with the slashed
+velvet doublet and point-lace fall, who (having a well-stocked
+purse) was among the favoured courtiers of the Merry Monarch, and
+who allowed that monarch in his merriness to borrow his purse, with
+the simple I.O.U. of "Odd's fish! you shall take mine to-morrow!"
+and who never (of course) saw the sun rise on the day of repayment,
+was but the prototype of the Verdant Greens in the full-bottomed
+wigs, and buckles and shorts of George I.'s day, who were nearly
+beggared by the bursting of the Mississippi Scheme and South-Sea
+Bubble; and these, in their turn, were duly represented by their
+successors. And thus the family character was handed down with the
+family nose, until they both re-appeared (according to the
+veracious chronicle of Burke, to which we have referred), in</p>
+<blockquote>"VERDANT GREEN, of the Manor Green, Co. Warwick, Gent.,
+who married Mary, only surviving child of Samuel Sappey, Esq., of
+Sapcot Hall, Co. Salop; by whom he has issue, one son, and three
+daughters: Mary,-VERDANT,-Helen,-Fanny."</blockquote>
+<p>Mr. Burke is unfeeling enough to give the dates when this bunch
+of Greens first made their appearance in the world; but these dates
+we withhold, from a delicate regard to personal feelings, which
+will be duly appreciated by those who have felt the sacredness of
+their domestic hearth to be tampered with by the obtrusive
+impertinences of a census-paper.</p>
+<p>It is sufficient for our purpose to say, that our hero, Mr.
+Verdant Green, junior, was born much in the same way as other folk.
+And although pronounced by Mrs. Toosypegs his nurse, when yet in
+the first crimson blush of his existence, to be "a perfect progidy,
+mum, which I ought to be able to pronounce, 'avin nuss'd a many
+parties through their trouble, and being aweer of what is doo to a
+Hinfant," - yet we are not aware that his <i>debut</i> on the stage
+of life, although thus applauded by such a <i>clacqueur</i> as the
+indiscriminating Toosypegs, was announced to the world at large by
+any other means than the notices in the county papers, and the
+six-shilling advertisement in the <i>Times</i>.</p>
+<p>"Progidy" though he was, even as a baby, yet Mr. Verdant Green's
+nativity seems to have been chronicled merely in this everyday
+manner, and does not appear to have been accompanied by any of
+those more monstrous phenomena, which in earlier ages attended the
+production of a <i>genuine</i> prodigy. We are not aware that Mrs.
+Green's favourite Alderney spoke on that occasion, or conducted
+itself otherwise than as unaccustomed to public speaking as usual.
+Neither can we verify the assertion of the intelligent Mr. Mole the
+gardener, that the plaster Apollo in the Long Walk was observed to
+be bathed in a profuse perspiration, either from its feeling
+compelled to keep up the good old classical custom, or because the
+weather was damp. Neither are we bold enough to entertain an
+opinion that the chickens in the poultry-yard refused their
+customary food; or that the horses in the stable shook with
+trembling fear; or that any thing, or any body, saving and
+excepting Mrs. Toosypegs, betrayed any consciousness that a real
+and genuine prodigy had been given to the world.</p>
+<p>However, during the first two years of his life, which were
+passed chiefly in drinking, crying, and sleeping, Mr. Verdant Green
+met with as much attention, and received as fair a share of
+approbation, as usually falls to the lot of the most favoured of
+infants. Then Mrs. Toosypegs again took up her position in the
+house, and his reign was over. Faithful to her mission, she
+pronounced the new baby to be <i>the</i> "progidy," and she was
+believed. But thus it is all through life; the new baby displaces
+the old; the second love supplants the first; we find fresh friends
+to shut out the memories of former ones; and in nearly everything
+we discover that there is a Number 2 which can put out of joint the
+nose of Number 1.</p>
+<p>Once more the shadow of Mrs. Toosypegs fell upon the walls of
+Manor Green; and then, her mission being accomplished, she passed
+away for ever; and our hero was left to be the sole son and heir,
+and the prop and pride of the house of Green.</p>
+<p>And if it be true that the external forms of nature exert a
+hidden but powerful sway over the dawning perceptions of the mind,
+and shape its thoughts to harmony with the things around, then most
+certainly ought Mr. Verdant Green to have been born a poet; for he
+grew up amid those scenes whose immortality is, that they inspired
+the soul of Shakespeare with his deathless fancies!</p>
+<p>The Manor Green was situated in one of the loveliest spots in
+all Warwickshire; a county so rich in all that constitutes the
+picturesqueness of a true English landscape. Looking from the
+drawing-room windows of the house, you saw in the near foreground
+the pretty French garden, with its fantastic parti-coloured beds,
+and its broad gravelled walks and terrace; proudly promenading
+which, or perched on the stone balustrade, might be seen perchance
+a peacock flaunting his beauties in the sun. Then came the
+carefully kept gardens, bounded on the one side by the Long Walk
+and a grove of shrubs and oaks; and on the other side by a double
+avenue of stately elms, that led, through velvet turf of brightest
+green, down past a little rustic lodge, to a gently sloping valley,
+where were white walls and rose-clustered gables of cottages
+peeping out from the embosoming trees, that betrayed the village
+beauties they seemed loth to hide. Then came the grey church-tower,
+dark with shrouding ivy; then another clump of stately elms,
+tenanted by cawing rooks; then a yellow stretch of bright
+meadow-land, dappled over with browsing kine knee-deep in grass and
+flowers; then a deep pool that mirrored all, and shone like silver;
+then more trees with floating shade, and homesteads rich in
+wheat-stacks; then a willowy brook that sparkled on merrily to an
+old mill-wheel, whose slippery stairs it lazily got down, and sank
+to quiet rest in the stream below; then came, crowding in rich
+profusion, wide-spreading woods and antlered oaks; and golden gorse
+and purple heather; and sunny orchards, with their dark-green waves
+that in Spring foamed white with blossoms; and then gently swelling
+hills that rose to close the scene and frame the picture.</p>
+<p>Such was the view from the Manor Green. And full of inspiration
+as such a scene was, yet Mr. Verdant Green never accomplished (as
+far as poetical inspiration was concerned) more than an "Address to
+the Moon," which he could just as well have written in any other
+part of the country, and which, commencing with the noble
+aspiration,</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"O moon, that shinest in the heaven so blue,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>I only wish that I could shine like you!"</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>and terminating with one of those fine touches of nature which
+rise superior to the trammels of ordinary versification,</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"But I to bed must be going soon,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>So I will not address thee more, O moon!"</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>will no doubt go down to posterity in the Album of his sister
+Mary.</p>
+<p>For the first fourteen years of his life, the education of Mr.
+Verdant Green was conducted wholly under the shadow of his paternal
+roof, upon principles fondly imagined to be the soundest and purest
+for the formation of his character. Mrs. Green, who was as good and
+motherly a soul as ever lived, was yet (as we have shewn) one of
+the Sappeys of Sapcot, a family that were not renowned either for
+common sense or worldly wisdom, and her notions of a boy's
+education were of that kind laid down by her favourite poet,
+Cowper, in his "Tirocinium" that we are</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"Well-tutor'd <i>only</i> while we share</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>A mother's lectures and a nurse's care;"</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>and in her horror of all other kind of instruction (not that she
+admitted Mrs. Toosypegs to her counsels), she fondly kept Master
+Verdant at her own apron-strings. The task of teaching his young
+idea how to shoot was committed chiefly to his sisters' governess,
+and he regularly took his place with them in the school-room. These
+daily exercises and mental drillings were subject to the inspection
+of their maiden-aunt, Miss Virginia Verdant, a first cousin of Mr.
+Green's, who had come to visit at the Manor during Master Verdant's
+infancy, and had remained there ever since; and this generalship
+was crowned with such success, that her nephew grew up the girlish
+companion of his sisters, with no knowledge of boyish sports, and
+no desire for them.</p>
+<p>The motherly and spinsterial views regarding his education were
+favoured by the fact that he had no playmates of his own sex and
+age; and since his father was an only child, and his mother's
+brothers had died in their infancy, there were no cousins to
+initiate him into the mysteries of boyish games and feelings. Mr.
+Green was a man who only cared to live a quiet, easy-going life,
+and would have troubled himself but little about his neighbours, if
+he had had any; but the Manor Green lay in an agricultural
+district, and, saving the Rectory, there was no other large house
+for miles around. The rector's wife, Mrs. Larkyns, had died shortly
+after the birth of her first child, a son, who was being educated
+at a public school; and this was enough, in Mrs. Green's eyes, to
+make a too intimate acquaintance between her boy and Master Larkyns
+a thing by no means to be desired. With her favourite poet she
+would say,</p>
+<center>"For public schools, 'tis public folly feeds;"</center>
+<p>and, regarding them as the very hotbeds of all that is wrong,
+she would turn a deaf, though polite, ear to the rector whenever he
+said, "Why don't you let your Verdant go with my Charley? Charley
+is three years older than Verdant, and would take him under his
+wing." Mrs. Green would as soon think of putting one of her
+chickens under the wing of a hawk, as intrusting the innocent
+Verdant to the care of the scape-grace Charley; so she still
+persisted in her own system of education, despite all that the
+rector could advise to the contrary.</p>
+<p>As for Master Verdant, he was only too glad at his mother's
+decision, for he partook of all her alarm about public schools,
+though from a different cause. It was not very often that he
+visited at the Rectory during Master Charley's holidays; but when
+he did, that young gentleman favoured him with such accounts of the
+peculiar knack the second master possessed of finding out all your
+tenderest places when he "licked a feller" for a false quantity,
+that, "by Jove! you couldn't sit down for a fortnight without
+squeaking;" and of the jolly mills they used to have with the town
+cads, who would lie in wait for you, and half kill you if they
+caught you alone; and of the fun it was to make a junior form fag
+for you, and do all your dirty work; - that Master Verdant's hair
+would almost stand on end at such horrors, and he would gasp for
+very dread lest such should ever be <i>his</i> dreadful doom.</p>
+<p>And then Master Charley would take a malicious pleasure in
+consoling him, by saying, "Of course, you know, you'll only have to
+fag for the first two or three years; then - if you get into the
+fourth form - you'll be able to have a fag for yourself. And it's
+awful fun, I can tell you, to see the way some of the fags get
+riled at cricket! You get a feller to give you a few balls, just
+for practice, and you hit the ball into another feller's ground;
+and then you tell your fag to go and pick it up. So he goes to do
+it, when the other feller sings out, 'Don't touch that ball, or
+I'll lick you!' So you tell the fag to come to you, and you say,
+'Why don't you do as I tell you?' And he says, 'Please, sir!' and
+then the little beggar blubbers. So you say to him, 'None of that,
+sir! Touch your toes!' We always make 'em wear straps on purpose.
+And then his trousers go tight and beautiful, and you take out your
+strap and warm him! And then he goes to get the ball, and the other
+feller sings out, 'I told you to let that ball alone! Come here,
+sir! Touch your toes!' So he warms him too; and then we go on all
+jolly. It's awful fun, I can tell you!"</p>
+<p>Master Verdant would think it awful indeed; and, by his own
+fireside, would recount the deeds of horror to his trembling mother
+and sisters, whose imagination shuddered at the scenes from which
+they hoped their darling would be preserved.</p>
+<p>Perhaps Master Charley had his own reasons for making matters
+worse than they really were; but, as long as the information he
+derived concerning public schools was of this description, so long
+did Master Verdant Green feel thankful at being kept away from
+them. He had a secret dread, too, of his friend's superior age and
+knowledge; and in his presence felt a bashful awe that made him
+glad to get back from the Rectory to his own sisters; while Master
+Charley, on the other hand, entertained a lad's contempt for one
+that could not fire off a gun, or drive a cricket-ball, or jump a
+ditch without falling into it. So the Rectory and the Manor Green
+lads saw but very little of each other; and, while the one went
+through his public-school course, the other was brought up at the
+women's apron-string.</p>
+<p>But though thus put under petticoat government, Mr. Verdant
+Green was not altogether freed from those tyrants of youth - the
+dead languages. His aunt Virginia was as learned a Blue as her
+esteemed ancestress in the court of Elizabeth, the very Virgin
+Queen of Blues; and under her guidance Master Verdant was dragged
+with painful diligence through the first steps of the road that was
+to take him to Parnassus. It was a great sight to see her sitting
+stiff and straight; - with her wonderfully undeceptive "false
+front" of (somebody else's) black hair, graced on either side by
+four sausage-looking curls - as, with spectacles on nose and
+dictionary in hand, she instructed her nephew in those ingenuous
+arts which should soften his manners, and not permit him to be
+brutal. And, when they together entered upon the romantic page of
+Virgil (which was the extent of her classical reading), nothing
+would delight her more than to declaim their sonorous
+Arma-virumque-cano lines, where the intrinsic qualities of the
+verse surpassed the quantities that she gave to them.</p>
+<p>Fain would Miss Virginia have made Virgil the end and aim of an
+educational existence, and so have kept her pupil entirely under
+her own care; but, alas! she knew nothing further; she had no
+acquaintance with Greek, and she had never flirted with Euclid; and
+the rector persuaded Mr. Green that these were indispensable to a
+boy's education. So, when Mr. Verdant Green was (in stable
+language) "rising" sixteen, he went thrice a week to the Rectory,
+where Mr. Larkyns bestowed upon him a couple of hours, and taught
+him to conjugate <font color="#000080">{tupto}</font>, and get over
+the <i>Pons Asinorum</i>. Mr. Larkyns found his pupil not a
+particularly brilliant scholar, but he was a plodding one; and
+though he learned slowly, yet the little he did learn was learned
+well.</p>
+<p>Thus the Rectory and the home studies went hand and hand, and
+continued so, with but little interruption, for more than two
+years; and Mr. Verdant Green had for some time assumed the <i>toga
+virilis</i> of stick-up collars and swallow-tail coats, that so
+effectually cut us off from the age of innocence; and the small
+family festival that annually celebrated his birthday had just been
+held for the eighteenth time, when</p>
+<center>"A change came o'er the spirit of <i>his</i>
+dream."</center>
+<a name="ch1.2" id="ch1.2"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER II.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN IS TO BE AN OXFORD-MAN.</h4>
+<p>ONE day when the family at the Manor Green had assembled for
+luncheon, the rector was announced. He came in and joined them,
+saying,with his usual friendly <i>bonhomie</i>, "A very well-timed
+visit, I think! Your bell rang out its summons as I came up the
+avenue. Mrs. Green, I've gone through the formality of looking over
+the accounts of your clothing-club, and, as usual, I find them
+correctness itself; and here is my subscription for the next year.
+Miss Green, I hope that you have not forgotten the lesson in logic
+that Tommy Jones gave you yesterday afternoon?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, what was that?" cried her two sisters; who took it in turns
+with her to go for a short time in every day to the village-school
+which their father and the rector had established: "Pray tell us,
+Mr. Larkyns! Mary has said nothing about it."</p>
+<p>"Then," replied the rector, "I am tongue-tied, until I have my
+fair friend's permission to reveal how the teacher was taught."</p>
+<p>Mary shook her sunny ringlets, and laughingly gave him the
+required permission.</p>
+<p>"You must know, then," said Mr. Larkyns, "that Miss Mary was
+giving one of those delightful object-lessons, wherein she blends
+so much instructive-"</p>
+<p>"I'll trouble you for the butter, Mr. Larkyns," interrupted
+Mary, rather maliciously.</p>
+<p>The rector was grey-headed, and a privileged friend. "My dear,"
+he said, "I was just giving it you. However, the object-lesson was
+going on; the subject being <i>Quadrupeds</i>, which Miss Mary very
+properly explained to be 'things with four legs.' Presently, she
+said to her class, 'Tell me the names of some quadrupeds?' when
+Tommy Jones, thrusting out his hand with the full conviction that
+he was making an important suggestion, exclaimed, 'Chairs and
+tables!' That was turning the tables upon Miss Mary with a
+vengeance!"</p>
+<p>During luncheon the conversation glided into a favourite theme
+with Mrs. Green and Miss Virginia, - Verdant's studies: when Mr.
+Larkyns, after some good-natured praise of his diligence, said, "By
+the way, Green, he's now quite old enough, and prepared enough for
+matriculation: and I suppose you are thinking of it."</p>
+<p>Mr. Green was thinking of no such thing. He had never been at
+college himself, and had never heard of his father having been
+there; and having the old-fashioned,
+what-was-good-enough-for-my-father-is-good-enough-for-me sort of
+feeling, it had never occurred to him that his son should be
+brought up otherwise than he himself had been. The setting-out of
+Charles Larkyns for college, two years before, had suggested no
+other thought to Mr. Green's mind, than that a university was the
+natural sequence of a public school; and since Verdant had not been
+through the career of the one, he deemed him to be exempt from the
+other.</p>
+<p>The motherly ears of Mrs. Green had been caught by the word
+"matriculation," a phrase quite unknown to her; and she said, "If
+it's vaccination that you mean, Mr. Larkyns, my dear Verdant was
+done only last year, when we thought the small-pox was about; so I
+think he's quite safe."</p>
+<p>Mr. Larkyns' politeness was sorely tried to restrain himself
+from giving vent to his feelings in a loud burst of laughter; but
+Mary gallantly came to his relief by saying, "Matriculation means,
+being entered at a university. Don't you remember, dearest mamma,
+when Mr. Charles Larkyns went up to Oxford to be matriculated last
+January two years?"</p>
+<p>"Ah, yes! I do now. But I wish I had your memory, my dear."</p>
+<p>And Mary blushed, and flattered herself that she succeeded in
+looking as though Mr. Charles Larkyns and his movements were
+objects of perfect indifference to her.</p>
+<p>So, after luncheon, Mr. Green and the rector paced up and down
+the long-walk, and talked the matter over. The burden of Mr.
+Green's discourse was this: "You see, sir, I don't intend my boy to
+go into the Church, like yours; but, when anything happens to me,
+he'll come into the estate, and have to settle down as the squire
+of the parish. So I don't exactly see what would be the use of
+sending him to a university, where, I dare say, he'd spend a good
+deal of money, - not that I should grudge that, though; - and
+perhaps not be quite such a good lad as he's always been to me,
+sir. And, by George! (I beg your pardon,) I think his mother would
+break her heart to lose him; and I don't know what we should do
+without him, as he's never been away from us a day, and his sisters
+would miss him. And he's not a lad, like your Charley, that could
+fight his way in the world, and I don't think he'd be altogether
+happy. And as he's not got to depend upon his talents for his bread
+and cheese, the knowledge he's got at home, and from you, sir,
+seems to me quite enough to carry him through life. So, altogether,
+I think Verdant will do very well as he is, and perhaps we'd better
+say no more about the matriculation."</p>
+<p>But the rector <i>would</i> say more; and he expressed his mind
+thus: "It is not so much from what Verdant would learn in Latin and
+Greek, and such things as make up a part of the education, that I
+advise your sending him to a university; but more from what he
+would gain by mixing with a large body of young men of his own age,
+who represent the best classes of a mixed society, and who may
+justly be taken as fair samples of its feelings and talents. It is
+formation of character that I regard as one of the greatest of the
+many great ends of a university system; and if for this reason
+alone, I should advise you to send your future country squire to
+college. Where else will he be able to meet with so great a number
+of those of his own class, with whom he will have to mix in the
+after changes of life, and for whose feelings and tone a
+college-course will give him the proper key-note? Where else can he
+learn so quickly in three years, what other men will perhaps be
+striving for through life, without attaining, - that self-reliance
+which will enable him to mix at ease in any society, and to feel
+the equal of its members? And, besides all this, - and each of
+these points in the education of a young man is, to my mind, a
+strong one, - where else could he be more completely 'under tutors
+and governors,' and more thoroughly under <i>surveillance</i>, than
+in a place where college-laws are no respecters of persons, and
+seek to keep the wild blood of youth within its due bounds? There
+is something in the very atmosphere of a university that seems to
+engender refined thoughts and noble feelings; and lamentable indeed
+must be the state of any young man who can pass through the three
+years of his college residence, and bring away no higher aims, no
+worthier purposes, no better thoughts, from all the holy
+associations which have been crowded around him. Such advantages as
+these are not to be regarded with indifference; and though they
+come in secondary ways, and possess the mind almost imperceptibly,
+yet they are of primary importance in the formation of character,
+and may mould it into the more perfect man. And as long as I had
+the power, I would no more think of depriving a child of mine of
+such good means towards a good end, than I would of keeping him
+from any thing else that was likely to improve his mind or affect
+his heart."</p>
+<p>Mr. Larkyns put matters in a new light; and Mr. Green began to
+think that a university career might be looked at from more than
+one point of view. But as old prejudices are not so easily
+overthrown as the lath-and-plaster erections of mere newly-formed
+opinion, Mr. Green was not yet won over by Mr. Larkyns' arguments.
+"There was my father," he said, "who was one of the worthiest and
+kindest men living; and I believe he never went to college, nor did
+he think it necessary that I should go; and I trust I'm no worse a
+man than my father."</p>
+<p>"Ah! Green," replied the rector; "the old argument! But you must
+not judge the present age by the past; nor measure out to
+<i>your</i> son the same degree of education that your father might
+think sufficient for <i>you</i>. When you and I were boys, Green,
+these things were thought of very differently to what they are in
+the present day; and when your father gave you a respectable
+education at a classical school, he did all that he thought was
+requisite to form you into a country gentleman, and fit you for
+that station in life you were destined to fill. But consider what a
+progressive age it is that we live in; and you will see that the
+standard of education has been considerably raised since the days
+when you and I did the 'propria quae maribus' together; and that
+when he comes to mix in society, more will be demanded of the son
+than was expected from the father. And besides this, think in how
+many ways it will benefit Verdant to send him to college. By mixing
+more in the world, and being called upon to act and think for
+himself, he will gradually gain that experience, without which a
+man cannot arm himself to meet the difficulties that beset all of
+us, more or less, in the battle of life. He is just of an age, when
+some change from the narrowed circle of home is necessary. God
+forbid that I should ever speak in any but the highest terms of the
+moral good it must do every young man to live under his mother's
+watchful eye, and be ever in the company of pure-minded sisters.
+Indeed I feel this more perhaps than many other parents would,
+because my lad, from his earliest years, has been deprived of such
+tender training, and cut off from such sweet society. But yet, with
+all this high regard for such home influences, I put it to you, if
+there will not grow up in the boy's mind, when he begins to draw
+near to man's estate, a very weariness of all this, from its very
+sameness; a surfeiting, as it were, of all these delicacies, and a
+longing for something to break the monotony of what will gradually
+become to him a humdrum horse-in-the-mill kind of country life? And
+it is just at this critical time that college life steps in to his
+aid. With his new life a new light bursts upon his mind; he finds
+that he is not the little household-god he had fancied himself to
+be; his word is no longer the law of the Medes and Persians, as it
+was at home; he meets with none of those little flatteries from
+partial relatives, or fawning servants, that were growing into a
+part of his existence; but he has to bear contradiction and
+reproof, to find himself only an equal with others, when he can
+gain that equality by his own deserts; and, in short, he daily
+progresses in that knowledge of himself, which, from the
+<i>gnothiseauton</i> days down to our own, has been found to be
+about the most useful of all knowledge; for it gives a man
+stability of character, and braces up his mental energies to a
+healthy enjoyment of the business of life. And so, Green, I would
+advise you, above all things, to let Verdant go to college."</p>
+<p>Much more did the rector say, not only on this occasion, but on
+others; and the more frequently he returned to the charge, the less
+resistance were his arguments met with; and the result was, that
+Mr. Green was fully persuaded that a university was the proper
+sphere for his son to move in. But it was not without many a pang
+and much secret misgiving that Mrs. Green would consent to suffer
+her beloved Verdant to run the risk of those dreadful
+contaminations which she imagined would inevitably accompany every
+college career. Indeed, she thought it an act of the greatest
+heroism (or, if you object to the word, heroineism) to be won over
+to say "yes" to the proposal; and it was not until Miss Virginia
+had recited to her the deeds of all the mothers of Greece and Rome
+who had suffered for their children's sake, that Mrs. Green would
+consent to sacrifice her maternal feelings at the sacred altar of
+duty.</p>
+<p>When the point had been duly settled, that Mr. Verdant Green was
+to receive a university education, the next question to be decided
+was, to which of the three Universities should he go? To Oxford,
+Cambridge, or Durham? But this was a matter which was soon
+determined upon. Mr. Green at once put Durham aside, on account of
+its infancy, and its wanting the <i>prestige</i> that attaches to
+the names of the two great Universities. Cambridge was treated
+quite as summarily, because Mr. Green had conceived the notion that
+nothing but mathematics were ever thought or talked of there; and
+as he himself had always had an abhorrence of them from his youth
+up, when he was hebdomadally flogged for not getting-up his weekly
+propositions, he thought that his son should be spared some of the
+personal disagreeables that he himself had encountered; for Mr.
+Green remembered to have heard that the great Newton was horsed
+during the time that he was a Cambridge undergraduate, and he had a
+hazy idea that the same indignities were still practised there.</p>
+<p>But the circumstance that chiefly decided Mr. Green to choose
+Oxford as the arena for Verdant's performances was, that he would
+have a companion, and, as he hoped, a mentor, in the rector's son,
+Mr. Charles Larkyns, who would not only be able to cheer him on his
+first entrance, but also would introduce him to select and quiet
+friends, put him in the way of lectures, and initiate him into all
+the mysteries of the place; all which the rector professed his son
+would be glad to do, and would be delighted to see his old friend
+and playfellow within the classic walls of Alma Mater.</p>
+<p>Oxford having been selected for the university, the next point
+to be decided was the college.</p>
+<p>"You cannot," said the rector, "find a much better college than
+Brazenface, where my lad is. It always stands well in the
+class-list, and keeps a good name with its tutors. There are a nice
+gentlemanly set of men there; and I am proud to say, that my lad
+would be able to introduce Verdant to some of the best. This will
+of course be much to his advantage. And besides this, I am on very
+intimate terms with Dr. Portman, the master of the college; and, if
+they should not happen to be very full, no doubt I could get
+Verdant admitted at once. This too will be of advantage to him; for
+I can tell you that there are secrets in all these matters, and
+that at many colleges that I could name, unless you knew the
+principal, or had some introduction or other potent spell to work
+with, your son's name would have to remain on the books two or
+three years before he could be entered; and this, at Verdant's age,
+would be a serious objection. At one or two of the colleges indeed
+this is almost necessary, under any circumstances, on account of
+the great number of applicants; but at Brazenface there is not this
+over-crowding; and I have no doubt, if I write to Dr. Portman, but
+what I can get rooms for Verdant without much loss of time."</p>
+<p>"Brazenface be it then!" said Mr. Green, "and I am sure that
+Verdant will enter there with very many advantages; and the sooner
+the better, so that he may be the longer with Mr. Charles. But when
+must his - his what-d'ye-call-it, come off?"</p>
+<p>"His matriculation?" replied the rector. "Why although it is not
+usual for men to commence residence at the time of their
+matriculation, still it is sometimes done. And as my lad will, if
+all goes on well, be leaving Oxford next year, perhaps it would be
+better, on that account, that Verdant should enter upon his
+residence as soon as he has matriculated."</p>
+<p>Mr. Green thought so too; and Verdant, upon being appealed to,
+had no objection to this course, or, indeed, to any other that was
+decided to be necessary for him; though it must be confessed, that
+he secretly shared somewhat of his mother's feelings as he looked
+forward into the blank and uncertain prospect of his college life.
+Like a good and dutiful son, however, his father's wishes were law;
+and he no more thought of opposing them, than he did of discovering
+the north pole, or paying off the national debt.</p>
+<p>So all this being duly settled, and Mrs. Green being entirely
+won over to the proceeding, the rector at once wrote to Dr.
+Portman, and in due time received a reply to the effect, that they
+were very full at Brazenface, but that luckily there was one set of
+rooms which would be vacant at the commencement of the Easter term;
+at which time he should be very glad to see the gentleman his
+friend spoke of.</p>
+<p><img alt="***Image: VG and six other family members***" src=
+"images/VG020.JPG" width="606" height="313" /></p>
+<p class="centre">Portraits of MR. VERDANT GREEN AND HIS
+FAMILY.</p>
+<p>1. Mr. Green, senior., 2. Miss Virginia Verdant., 3. Mrs.
+Green., 4. Mr. Verdant Green., 5. Miss Helen Green., 6. Miss Fanny
+Green., 7. Miss Mary Green.</p>
+<a name="ch1.3" id="ch1.3"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER III.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN LEAVES THE HOME OF HIS ANCESTORS.</h4>
+<p>THE time till Easter passed very quickly, for much had to be
+done in it. Verdant read up most desperately for his matriculation,
+associating that initiatory examination with the most dismal
+visions of plucking, and other college tortures.</p>
+<p>His mother was laying in for him a new stock of linen,
+sufficient in quantity to provide him for years of emigration;
+while his father was busying himself about the plate that it was
+requisite to take, buying it bran-new, and of the most solid
+silver, and having it splendidly engraved with the family crest,
+and the motto "Semper virens."</p>
+<p>Infatuated Mr. Green! If you could have foreseen that those
+spoons and forks would have soon passed, - by a mysterious system
+of loss which undergraduate powers can never fathom, - into the
+property of Mr. Robert Filcher, the excellent, though occasionally
+erratic, scout of your beloved son, and from thence have melted,
+not "into thin air," but into a residuum whose mass might be
+expressed by the equivalent of coins of a thin and golden
+description, - if you could but have foreseen this, then,
+infatuated but affectionate parent, you would have been content to
+have let your son and heir represent the ancestral wealth by mere
+electro-plate, albata, or any sham that would equally well have
+served his purpose!</p>
+<p>As for Miss Virginia Verdant, and the other woman portion of the
+Green community, they fully occupied their time until the day of
+separation came, by elaborating articles of feminine workmanship,
+as <i>souvenirs</i>, by which dear Verdant might, in the land of
+the strangers, recall visions of home. These were presented to him
+with all due state on the morning of the day previous to that on
+which he was to leave the home of his ancestors.</p>
+<p>All the articles were useful as well as ornamental. There was a
+purse from Helen, which, besides being a triumph of art in the way
+of bead decoration, was also, it must be allowed, a very useful
+present, unless one happened to carry one's riches in a
+<i>porte-monnaie</i>. There was a pair of braces from Mary, worked
+with an ecclesiastical pattern of a severe character - very
+appropriate for academical wear, and extremely effective for all
+occasions when the coat had to be taken off in public. And there
+was a watch-pocket from Fanny, to hang over Verdant's night-capped
+head, and serve as a depository for the golden mechanical turnip
+that had been handed down in the family, as a watch, for the last
+three generations. And there was a pair of woollen comforters knit
+by Miss Virginia's own fair hands; and there were other woollen
+articles of domestic use, which were contributed by Mrs. Green for
+her son's personal comfort. To these, Miss Virginia thoughtfully
+added an infallible recipe for the toothache, - an infliction to
+which she was a martyr, and for the general relief of which in
+others, she constituted herself a species of toothache missionary;
+for, as she said, "You might, my dear Verdant, be seized with that
+painful disease, and not have me by your side to cure it": which it
+was very probable he would not, if college rules were strictly
+carried out at Brazenface.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG oversees the packing of his trunks and baggages***"
+src="images/VG022.JPG" width="327" height="251" class=
+"centre" /></p>
+<p>All these articles were presented to Mr. Verdant Green with many
+speeches and great ceremony; while Mr. Green stood by, and smiled
+benignantly upon the scene, and his son beamed through his glasses
+(which his defective sight obliged him constantly to wear) with the
+most serene aspect.</p>
+<p>It was altogether a great day of preparation, and one which it
+was well for the constitution of the household did not happen very
+often; for the house was reduced to that summerset condition
+usually known in domestic parlance as "upside down." Mr. Verdant
+Green personally superintended the packing of his goods; a
+performance which was only effected by the united strength of the
+establishment. Butler, Footman, Coachman, Lady's-maid, Housemaid,
+and Buttons were all pressed into the service; and the coachman,
+being a man of some weight, was found to be of great use in
+effecting a junction of the locks and hasps of over-filled
+book-boxes. It was astonishing to see all the amount of literature
+that Mr. Verdant Green was about to convey to the seat of learning:
+there was enough to stock a small Bodleian. As the owner stood,
+with his hands behind him, placidly surveying the scene of
+preparation, a meditative spectator might have possibly compared
+him to the hero of the engraving "Moses going to the fair," that
+was then hanging just over his head; for no one could have set out
+for the great Oxford booth of this Vanity Fair with more simplicity
+and trusting confidence than Mr. Verdant Green.</p>
+<p>When the trunks had at last been packed, they were then, by the
+thoughtful suggestion of Miss Virginia, provided each with a canvas
+covering, after the manner of the luggage of females, and labelled
+with large direction-cards filled with the most ample particulars
+concerning their owner and his destination.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: The housemaids placing canvas covers on VG's trunks***"
+src="images/VG023.JPG" width="330" height="102" /></p>
+<p>It had been decided that Mr. Verdant Green, instead of reaching
+Oxford by rail, should make his <i>entree</i> behind the four
+horses that drew the Birmingham and Oxford coach; - one of the few
+four-horse coaches that still ran for any distance <font color=
+"#FF0000">[1]</font>; and which, as the more pleasant means of
+conveyance, was generally patronized by Mr. Charles Larkyns in
+preference to the rail; for the coach passed within three miles of
+the Manor Green, whereas the nearest railway was at a much greater
+distance, and could not be so conveniently reached. Mr. Green had
+determined upon accompanying Verdant to Oxford, that he might have
+the satisfaction of seeing him safely landed there, and might also
+himself form an acquaintance with a city of which he had heard so
+much, and which would be doubly interesting to him now that his son
+was enrolled a member of its University. Their seats had been
+secured a fortnight previous; for the rector had told Mr. Green
+that so many men went up by the coach, that unless he made an early
+application, he would altogether fail in obtaining places; so a
+letter had been dispatched to "the Swan" coach-office at
+Birmingham, from which place the coach started, and two outside
+seats had been put at Mr. Green's disposal.</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[1] This well-known coach ceased to run between Birmingham and
+Oxford in the last week of August 1852, on the opening of the
+Birmingham and Oxford Railway.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>The day at length arrived, when Mr. Verdant Green for the first
+time in his life (on any important occasion) was to leave the
+paternal roof; and it must be confessed that it was a proceeding
+which caused him some anxiety, and that he was not sorry when the
+carriage was at the door to bear him away, before (shall it be
+confessed?) his tears had got the mastery over him.</p>
+
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG shaking hands in goodbye on the steps of his home, carriage waiting***"
+src="images/VG024.JPG" width="299" height="300" /></p>
+<p>As it was, by the judicious help of his sisters, he passed the
+Rubicon in courageous style, and went through the form of breakfast
+with the greatest hilarity, although with several narrow escapes of
+suffocation from choking. The thought that he was going to be an
+Oxford MAN fortunately assisted him in the preservation of that
+tranquil dignity and careless ease which he considered to be the
+necessary adjuncts of the manly character, more especially as
+developed in that peculiar biped he was about to be transformed
+into; and Mr. Verdant Green was enabled to say "Good-by" with a
+firm voice and undimmed spectacles.</p>
+<p>All crowded to the door to have a last shake of the hand; the
+maid-servants peeped from the upper windows; and Miss Virginia
+sobbed out a blessing, which was rendered of a striking and
+original character by being mixed up with instructions never to
+forget what she had taught him in his Latin grammar, and always to
+be careful to guard against the toothache. And amid the good-byes
+and write-oftens that usually accompany a departure, the carriage
+rolled down the avenue to the lodge, where was Mr. Mole the
+gardener, and also Mrs. Mole, and, moreover, the Mole
+olive-branches, all gathered at the open gate to say farewell to
+the young master. And just as they were about to mount the hill
+leading out of the village, who should be there but the rector
+lying in wait for them and ready to walk up the hill by their side,
+and say a few kindly words at parting. Well might Mr. Verdant Green
+begin to regard himself as the topic of the village, and think that
+going to Oxford was really an affair of some importance.</p>
+<p>They were in good time for the coach; and the ringing notes of
+the guard's bugle made them aware of its approach some time before
+they saw it rattling merrily along in its cloud of dust. What a
+sight it was when it did come near! The cloud that had enveloped it
+was discovered to be not dust only, but smoke from the cigars,
+meerschaums, and short clay pipes of a full complement of gentlemen
+passengers, scarcely one of whom seemed to have passed his
+twentieth year. No bonnet betokening a female traveller could be
+seen either inside or out; and that lady was indeed lucky who
+escaped being an inside passenger on the following day. Nothing but
+a lapse of time, or the complete re-lining of the coach, could
+purify it from the attacks of the four gentlemen who were now doing
+their best to convert it into a divan; and the consumption of
+tobacco on that day between Birmingham and Oxford must have
+materially benefited the revenue. The passengers were not limited
+to the two-legged ones, there were four-footed ones also. Sporting
+dogs, fancy dogs, ugly dogs, rat-killing dogs, short-haired dogs,
+long-haired dogs, dogs like muffs, dogs like mops, dogs of all
+colours and of all breeds and sizes, appeared thrusting out their
+black noses from all parts of the coach. Portmanteaus were piled
+upon the roof; gun-boxes peeped out suspiciously here and there;
+bundles of sticks, canes, foils, fishing-rods, and whips, appeared
+strapped together in every direction; while all round about the
+coach,</p>
+<center>"Like a swarth Indian with his belt of beads,"</center>
+<p>hat-boxes dangled in leathery profusion. The Oxford coach on an
+occasion like this was a sight to be remembered.</p>
+<p>A "Wo-ho-ho, my beauties!" brought the smoking wheelers upon
+their haunches; and Jehu, saluting with his elbow and whip finger,
+called out in the husky voice peculiar to a dram-drinker, "Are you
+the two houtside gents for Hoxfut?" To which Mr. Green replied in
+the affirmative; and while the luggage (the canvas-covered,
+ladylike look of which was such a contrast to that of the other
+passengers) was being quickly transferred to the coach-top, he and
+Verdant ascended to the places reserved for them behind the
+coachman. Mr. Green saw at a glance that all the passengers were
+Oxford men, dressed in every variety of Oxford fashion, and
+exhibiting a pleasing diversity of Oxford manners. Their private
+remarks on the two new-comers were, like stage "asides," perfectly
+audible.</p>
+<p>"Decided case of governor!" said one.</p>
+<p>"Undoubted ditto of freshman!" observed another.</p>
+<p>"Looks ferociously mild in his gig-lamps!" remarked a third,
+alluding to Mr. Verdant Green's spectacles.</p>
+<p>"And jolly green all over!" wound up a fourth.</p>
+<p>Mr. Green, hearing his name (as he thought) mentioned, turned to
+the small young gentleman who had spoken, and politely said, "Yes,
+my name is Green; but you have the advantage of me, sir."</p>
+<p>"Oh! have I?" replied the young gentleman in the most affable
+manner, and not in the least disconcerted; "my name's Bouncer: I
+remember seeing you when I was a babby. How's the old woman?" And
+without waiting to hear Mr. Green loftily reply, "Mrs. Green - my
+WIFE, sir - is quite well - and I do NOT remember to have seen you,
+or ever heard your name, sir!" - little Mr. Bouncer made some most
+unearthly noises on a post-horn as tall as himself, which he had
+brought for the delectation of himself and his friends, and the
+alarm of every village they passed through.</p>
+<p>"Never mind the dog, sir," said the gentleman who sat between
+Mr. Bouncer and Mr. Green; "he won't hurt you. It's only his play;
+he always takes notice of strangers."</p>
+<p>"But he is tearing my trousers," expostulated Mr. Green, who was
+by no means partial to the "play" of a thoroughbred terrier.</p>
+<p>"Ah! he's an uncommon sensible dog," observed his master; "he's
+always on the look-out for rats everywhere. It's the Wellington
+boots that does it; he's accustomed to have a rat put into a boot,
+and he worries it out how he can. I daresay he thinks you've got
+one in yours."</p>
+<p>"But I've got nothing of the sort, sir; I must request you to
+keep your dog --" A violent fit of coughing, caused by a
+well-directed volley of smoke from his neighbour's lips, put a stop
+to Mr. Green's expostulations.</p>
+<p>"I hope my weed is no annoyance?" said the gentleman; "if it is,
+I will throw it away."</p>
+<p>To which piece of politeness Mr. Green could, of course, only
+reply, between fits of coughing, "Not in the least I - assure you,
+- I am very fond - of tobacco - in the open air."</p>
+<p>"Then I daresay you'll do as we are doing, and smoke a weed
+yourself," said the gentleman, as he offered Mr. Green a plethoric
+cigar-case. But Mr. Green's expression of approbation regarding
+tobacco was simply theoretical; so he treated his neighbour's offer
+as magazine editors do the MSS. of unknown contributors - it was
+"declined with thanks."</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green had already had to make a similar reply to a
+like proposal on the part of his left-hand neighbour, who was now
+expressing violent admiration for our hero's top-coat.</p>
+<p>"Ain't that a good style of coat, Charley?" he observed to his
+neighbour. "I wish I'd seen it before I got this over-coat! There's
+something sensible about a real, unadulterated top-coat; and
+there's a style in the way in which they've let down the skirts,
+and put on the velvet collar and cuffs regardless of expense, that
+really quite goes to one's heart. Now I daresay the man that built
+that," he said, more particularly addressing the owner of the coat,
+"condescends to live in a village, and waste his sweetness on the
+desert air, while a noble field might be found for his talent in a
+University town. That coat will make quite a sensation in Oxford.
+Won't it, Charley?"</p>
+<p>And when Charley, quoting a popular actor (totally unknown to
+our hero), said, "I believe you, my bo-oy!" Mr. Verdant Green began
+to feel quite proud of the abilities of their village tailor, and
+thought what two delightful companions he had met with. The rest of
+the journey further cemented (as he thought) their friendship; so
+that he was fairly astonished, when on meeting them the next day,
+they stared him full in the face, and passed on without taking any
+more notice of him. But freshmen cannot learn the mysteries of
+college etiquette in a day.</p>
+<p>However, we are anticipating. They had not yet got to Oxford,
+though, from the pace at which they were going, it appeared as if
+they would soon reach there; for the coachman had given up his seat
+and the reins to the box-passenger, who appeared to be as used to
+the business as the coachman himself; and he was now driving them,
+not only in a most scientific manner, but also at a great pace. Mr.
+Green was not particularly pleased with the change in the
+four-wheeled government; but when they went down the hill at a
+quick trot, the heavy luggage making the coach rock to and fro with
+the speed, his fears increased painfully. They culminated, as the
+trot increased into a canter, and then broke into a gallop as they
+swept along the level road at the bottom of the hill, and rattled
+up the rise of another. As the horses walked over the brow of the
+hill, with smoking flanks and jingling harness, Mr. Green recovered
+sufficient breath to expostulate with the coachman for suffering -
+"a mere lad," he was about to say but fortunately checked himself
+in time, - for suffering any one else than the regular driver to
+have the charge of the coach.</p>
+
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: The coach races along a country lane past a gate and bystanders***"
+src="images/VG028.JPG" width="315" height="444" /></p>
+<p>"You never fret yourself about that, sir," replied the man; "I
+knows my bis'ness, as well as my dooties to self and purprietors,
+and I'd never go for to give up the ribbins to any party but wot
+had shewed hisself fitted to 'andle 'em. And I think I may say this
+for the genelman as has got 'em now, that he's fit to be fust vip
+to the Queen herself; and I'm proud to call him my poople. Why,
+sir, - if his honour here will pardon me for makin' so free, - this
+'ere gent is Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, of which you <i>must</i> have
+heerd on."</p>
+<p>Mr. Green replied that he had not had that pleasure.</p>
+<p>"Ah! a pleasure you <i>may</i> call it, sir, with parfect
+truth," replied the coachman; "but, lor bless me, sir, weer
+<i>can</i> you have lived?"</p>
+<p>The "poople" who had listened to this, highly amused, slightly
+turned his head, and said to Mr. Green, "Pray don't feel any alarm,
+sir; I believe you are quite safe under my guidance. This is not
+the first time by many that I have driven this coach - not to
+mention others; and you may conclude that I should not have gained
+the <i>sobriquet</i> to which my worthy friend has alluded without
+having <i>some</i> pretensions to a knowledge of the art of
+driving."</p>
+<p>Mr. Green murmured his apologies for his mistrust, - expressed
+perfect faith in Mr. Fosbrooke's skill - and then lapsed into
+silent meditation on the various arts and sciences in which the
+gentlemen of the University of Oxford seemed to be most proficient,
+and pictured to himself what would be his feelings if he ever came
+to see Verdant driving a coach! There certainly did not appear to
+be much probability of such an event; but can any <i>pater
+familias</i> say what even the most carefully brought up young
+Hopeful will do when he has arrived at years of indiscretion?</p>
+<p>Altogether, Mr. Green did not particularly enjoy the journey.
+Besides the dogs and cigars, which to him were equal nuisances,
+little Mr. Bouncer was perpetually producing unpleasant post-horn
+effects, - which he called "sounding his octaves," - and destroying
+the effect of the airs on the guard's key-bugle, by joining in them
+at improper times and with discordant measures. Mr. Green, too,
+could not but perceive that the majority of the conversation that
+was addressed to himself and his son (though more particularly to
+the latter), although couched in politest form, was yet of a
+tendency calculated to "draw them out" for the amusement of their
+fellow-passengers. He also observed that the young gentlemen
+severally exhibited great capacity for the beer of Bass and the
+porter of Guinness, and were not averse even to liquids of a more
+spirituous description. Moreover, Mr. Green remarked that the
+ministering Hebes were invariably addressed by their Christian
+names, and were familiarly conversed with as old acquaintances;
+most of them receiving direct offers of marriage or the option of
+putting up the banns on any Sunday in the middle of the week; while
+the inquiries after their grandmothers and the various members of
+their family circles were both numerous and gratifying. In all
+these verbal encounters little Mr. Bouncer particularly
+distinguished himself.</p>
+<p>Woodstock was reached: "Four-in-hand Fosbrooke" gave up the
+reins to the professional Jehu; and at last the towers, spires, and
+domes of Oxford appeared in sight. The first view of the City of
+Colleges is always one that will be long remembered. Even the
+railway traveller, who enters by the least imposing approach, and
+can scarcely see that he is in Oxford before he has reached Folly
+Bridge, must yet regard the city with mingled feelings of delight
+and surprise as he looks across the Christ Church meadows and rolls
+past the Tom Tower. But he who approaches Oxford from the Henley
+Road, and looks upon that unsurpassed prospect from Magdalen
+Bridge, - or he who enters the city, as Mr. Green did, from the
+Woodstock Road, and rolls down the shady avenue of St. Giles',
+between St. John's College and the Taylor Buildings, and past the
+graceful Martyrs' Memorial, will receive impressions such as
+probably no other city in the world could convey.</p>
+<p>As the coach clattered down the Corn-market, and turned the
+corner by Carfax into High Street, Mr. Bouncer, having been
+compelled in deference to University scruples to lay aside his
+post-horn, was consoling himself by chanting the following words,
+selected probably in compliment to Mr. Verdant Green.</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"To Oxford, a Freshman so modest,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>I enter'd one morning in March;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>And the figure I cut was the oddest,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>All spectacles, choker, and starch.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p align="right">Whack fol lol, lol iddity, &amp;c.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<br />
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>From the top of 'the Royal Defiance,'</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Jack Adams, who coaches so well,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Set me down in these regions of science,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>In front of the Mitre Hotel.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p align="right">Whack fol lol, lol iddity, &amp;c.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<br />
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>'Sure never man's prospects were brighter,'</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>I said, as I jumped from my perch;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>'So quickly arrived at the Mitre,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Oh, I'm sure, to get on in the Church!"</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p align="right">Whack fol lol, lol iddity, &amp;c."</p>
+</td>
+<td></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>By the time Mr. Bouncer finished these words, the coach
+appropriately drew up at the "Mitre," and the passengers tumbled
+off amid a knot of gownsmen collected on the pavement to receive
+them. But no sooner were Mr. Green and our hero set down, than they
+were attacked by a horde of the aborigines of Oxford, who, knowing
+by vulture-like sagacity the aspect of a freshman and his governor,
+swooped down upon them in the guise of impromptu porters, and made
+an indiscriminate attack upon the luggage. It was only by the
+display of the greatest presence of mind that Mr. Verdant Green
+recovered his effects, and prevented his canvas-covered boxes from
+being carried off in the wheel-barrows that were trundling off in
+all directions to the various colleges.</p>
+
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Messrs Green attempt to control the dispersion of VG's trunks on arrival in Oxford***"
+src="images/VG031-1.JPG" width="331" height="261" /></p>
+<p>But at last all were safely secured. And soon, when a snug
+dinner had been discussed in a quiet room, and a bottle of the
+famous (though I have heard some call it "in-famous") Oxford port
+had been produced, Mr. Green, under its kindly influence, opened
+his heart to his son, and gave him much advice as to his
+forthcoming University career; being, of course, well calculated to
+do this from his intimate acquaintance with the subject.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG has his audience with Mr. Slowcoach, glass in hand***"
+src="images/VG031-2.JPG" width="341" height="282" /></p>
+<p>Whether it was the extra glass of port, or whether it was the
+nature of his father's discourse, or whether it was the novelty of
+his situation, or whether it was all these circumstances combined,
+yet certain it was that Mr. Verdant Green's first night in Oxford
+was distinguished by a series, or rather confusion, of most
+remarkable dreams, in which bishops, archbishops, and hobgoblins
+elbowed one another for precedence; a beneficent female crowned him
+with laurel, while Fame lustily proclaimed the honours he had
+received, and unrolled the class-list in which his name had first
+rank.</p>
+
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG dreams of his treble first, surrounded by phantoms***"
+src="images/VG032.JPG" width="295" height="251" /></p>
+<p>Sweet land of visions, that will with such ease confer even a
+<i>treble</i> first upon the weary sleeper, why must he awake from
+thy gentle thraldom, to find the class-list a stern reality, and
+Graduateship too often but an empty dream!</p>
+<p><a name="ch1.4" id="ch1.4"></a></p>
+<p><a href="#contents">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER IV.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN BECOMES AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE.</h4>
+<p>MR. VERDANT GREEN arose in the morning more or less refreshed;
+and after breakfast proceeded with his father to Brazenface College
+to call upon the Master; the porter directed them where to go, and
+they sent up their cards. Dr. Portman was at home, and they were
+soon introduced to his presence.</p>
+<p>Instead of the stern, imposing-looking personage that Mr.
+Verdant Green had expected to see in the ruler among dons, and the
+terror of offending undergraduates, the master of Brazenface was a
+mild-looking old gentleman, with an inoffensive amiability of
+expression and a shy, retiring manner that seemed to intimate that
+he was more alarmed at the strangers than they had need to be at
+him. Dr. Portman seemed to be quite a part of his college, for he
+had passed the greatest portion of his life there. He had graduated
+there, he had taken Scholarships there, he had even gained a
+prize-poem there; he had been elected a Fellow there, he had become
+a Tutor there, he had been Proctor and College Dean there; there,
+during the long vacation, he had written his celebrated
+"Disquisition on the Greek Particles," afterwards published in
+eight octavo volumes; and finally, there he had been elected Master
+of his college, in which office, honoured and respected, he
+appeared likely to end his days. He was unmarried; perhaps he had
+never found time to think of a wife; perhaps he had never had the
+courage to propose for one; perhaps he had met with early crosses
+and disappointments, and had shrined in his heart a fair image that
+should never be displaced. Who knows? for dons are mortals, and
+have been undergraduates once.</p>
+<p>The little hair he had was of a silvery white, although his
+eye-brows retained their black hue; and to judge from the fine
+fresh-coloured features and the dark eyes that were now nervously
+twinkling upon Mr. Green, Dr. Portman must, in his more youthful
+days, have had an ample share of good looks. He was dressed in an
+old-fashioned reverend suit of black, with knee-breeches and
+gaiters, and a massive watch-seal dangling from under his
+waistcoat, and was deep in the study of his favourite particles. He
+received our hero and his father both nervously and graciously, and
+bade them be seated.</p>
+<p>"I shall al-ways," he said, in monosyllabic tones, as though he
+were reading out of a child's primer, - "I shall al-ways be glad to
+see any of the young friends of my old col-lege friend Lar-kyns;
+and I do re-joice to be a-ble to serve you, Mis-ter Green; and I
+hope your son, Mis-ter, Mis-ter Vir---Vir-gin-ius,--"</p>
+<p>"Verdant, Dr. Portman," interrupted Mr. Green, suggestively,
+"Verdant."</p>
+<p>"Oh! true, true, true! and I do hope that he will be a ve-ry
+good young man, and try to do hon-our to his col-lege."</p>
+<p>"I trust he will, indeed, sir," replied Mr. Green; "it is the
+great wish of my heart. And I am sure that you will find my son
+both quiet and orderly in his conduct, regular in his duties, and
+always in bed by ten o'clock."</p>
+<p>"Well, I hope so too, Mis-ter Green," said Dr. Portman,
+monosyllabically; "but all the young gen-tle-men do pro-mise to be
+regu-lar and or-der-ly when they first come up, but a</p>
+
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Messrs Green attend upon Dr. Portman, his Common-room man making his pantomimic aside***"
+src="images/VG034.JPG" width="340" height="248" /></p>
+<p>term makes a great dif-fer-ence. But I dare say my young friend
+Mis-ter Vir-gin-ius,---"</p>
+<p>"Verdant," smilingly suggested Mr. Green.</p>
+<p>"I beg your par-don," apologized Dr. Portman; "but I dare say
+that he will do as you say, for in-deed my friend Lar-kyns speaks
+well of him."</p>
+<p>"I am delighted - proud!" murmured Mr. Green, while Verdant felt
+himself blushing up to his spectacles.</p>
+<p>"We are ve-ry full," Dr. Portman went on to say, "but as I do
+ex-pect great things from Mis-ter Vir-gin --- Verdant, Verdant, I
+have put some rooms at his ser-vice; and if you would like to see
+them, my ser-vant shall shew you the way." The servant was
+accordingly summoned, and received orders to that effect; while the
+Master told Verdant that he must, at two o'clock, present himself
+to Mr. Slowcoach, his tutor, who would examine him for his
+matriculation.</p>
+<p>"I am sor-ry, Mis-ter Green," said Dr. Portman, "that my
+en-gage-ments will pre-vent me from ask-ing you and Mis-ter Virg---
+Ver-dant, to dine with me to-day; but I do hope that the next time
+you come to Ox-ford I shall be more for-tu-nate."</p>
+<p>Old John, the Common-room man, who had heard this speech made to
+hundreds of "governors" through many generations of freshmen, could
+not repress a few pantomimic asides, that</p>
+
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Messrs Green cross the Brazenface quad. with Mr. Robert Filcher***"
+src="images/VG035.JPG" width="294" height="309" /></p>
+<p>were suggestive of anything but full credence in his master's
+words. But Mr. Green was delighted with Dr. Portman's affability,
+and perceiving that the interview was at an end, made his
+<i>conge</i>, and left the Master of Brazenface to his Greek
+particles.</p>
+<p>They had just got outside, when the servant said, "Oh, there is
+the scout! <i>Your</i> scout, sir!" at which our hero blushed from
+the consciousness of his new dignity; and, by way of appearing at
+his ease, inquired the scout's name.</p>
+<p>"Robert Filcher, sir," replied the servant; "but the gentlemen
+always call 'em by their Christian names." And beckoning the scout
+to him, he bade him shew the gentlemen to the rooms kept for Mr.
+Verdant Green; and then took himself back to the Master.</p>
+<p>Mr. Robert Filcher might perhaps have been forty years of age,
+perhaps fifty; there was cunning enough in his face to fill even a
+century of wily years; and there was a depth of expression in his
+look, as he asked our hero if <i>he</i> was Mr. Verdant Green, that
+proclaimed his custom of reading a freshman at a glance. Mr.
+Filcher was laden with coats and boots that had just been brushed
+and blacked for their respective masters; and he was bearing a jug
+of Buttery ale (they are renowned for their ale at Brazenface) to
+the gentleman who owned the pair of "tops" that were now flashing
+in the sun as they dangled from the scout's hand.</p>
+<p>"Please to follow me, gentlemen," he said; "it's only just
+across the quad. Third floor, No. 4 staircase, fust quad; that's
+about the mark, <i>I</i> think, sir."</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green glanced curiously round the Quadrangle, with
+its picturesque irregularity of outline, its towers and turrets and
+battlements, its grey time-eaten walls, its rows of mullioned
+heavy-headed windows, and the quiet cloistered air that spoke of
+study and reflection; and perceiving on one side a row of large
+windows, with great buttresses between, and a species of steeple on
+the high-pitched roof, he made bold (just to try the effect) to
+address Mr. Filcher by the name assigned to him at an early period
+of his life by his godfathers and godmothers, and inquired if that
+building was the chapel.</p>
+<p>"No, sir," replied Robert, "that there's the 'All, sir,
+<i>that</i> is - where you dines, sir, leastways when you ain't
+'AEger,' or elseweer. That at the top is the lantern, sir,
+<i>that</i> is; called so because it never has no candle in it. The
+chapel's the hopposite side, sir. -Please not to walk on the grass,
+sir; there's a fine agen it, unless you're a Master. This way if
+<i>you</i> please, gentlemen!" Thus the scout beguiled them, as he
+led them to an open doorway with a large <big><b>4</b></big>
+painted over it; inside was a door on either hand, while a coal-bin
+displayed its black face from under a staircase that rose
+immediately before them. Up this they went, following the scout
+(who had vanished for a moment with the boots and beer), and when
+they had passed the first floor they found the ascent by no means
+easy to the body, or pleasant to the sight. The once white-washed
+walls were coated with the uncleansed dust of the three past terms;
+and where the plaster had not been chipped off by flying
+porter-bottles, or the heels of Wellington boots, its surface had
+afforded an irresistible temptation to those imaginative
+undergraduates who displayed their artistic genius in candle-smoke
+cartoons of the heads of the University, and other popular and
+unpopular characters. All Mr. Green's caution, as he crept up the
+dark, twisting staircase, could not prevent him from crushing his
+hat against the low, cobwebbed ceiling, and he gave vent to a very
+strong but quiet anathema, which glided quietly and audibly into
+the remark, "Confounded awkward staircase, I think!"</p>
+<p>"Just what Mr. Bouncer says," replied the scout, "although he
+don't reach so high as you, sir; but he <i>do</i> say, sir, when he
+comes home pleasant at night from some wine-party, that it
+<i>is</i> the aukardest staircase as was ever put before a
+gentleman's</p>
+
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Messrs Green ascend the narrow winding stairs to VG's College rooms***"
+src="images/VG037.JPG" width="232" height="253" /></p>
+<p>legs. And he <i>did</i> go so far, sir, as to ask the Master, if
+it wouldn't be better to have a staircase as would go up of
+hisself, and take the gentlemen up with it, like one as they has at
+some public show in London - the Call-and-see-em, I think he
+said."</p>
+<p>"The Colosseum, probably," suggested Mr. Green. "And what did
+Dr. Portman say to that, pray?"</p>
+<p>"Why he said, sir, - leastways so Mr. Bouncer reported, - that
+it worn't by no means a bad idea, and that p'raps Mr. Bouncer'd
+find it done in six months' time, when he come back again from the
+country. For you see, sir, Mr. Bouncer had made hisself so
+pleasant, that he'd been and got the porter out o' bed, and corked
+his face dreadful; and then, sir, he'd been and got a Hinn-board
+from somewhere out of the town, and hung it on the Master's private
+door; so that when they went to early chapel in the morning, they
+read as how the Master was 'licensed to sell beer by retail,' and
+'to be drunk on the premises'. So when the Master came to know who
+it was as did it, which in course the porter told him, he said as
+how Mr. Bouncer had better go down into the country for a year, for
+change of hair, and to visit his friends."</p>
+<p>"Very kind indeed of Dr. Portman," said our hero, who missed the
+moral of the story, and took the rustication for a kind forgiveness
+of injuries.</p>
+<p>"Just what Mr. Bouncer said, sir," replied the scout, "he said
+it <i>were</i> pertickler kind and thoughtful. This is his room,
+sir, he come up on'y yesterday." And he pointed to a door, above
+which was painted in white letters on a black ground,
+"BOUNCER."</p>
+<p>"Why," said Mr. Green to his son, "now I think of it, Bouncer
+was the name of that short young gentleman who came with us on the
+coach yesterday, and made himself so - so unpleasant with a tin
+horn."</p>
+<p>"That's the gent, sir," observed the scout; "that's Mr. Bouncer,
+agoing the complete unicorn, as he calls it. I dare say you'll find
+him a pleasant neighbour, sir. Your rooms is next to his."</p>
+<p>With some doubts of these prospective pleasures, the Mr. Greens,
+<i>pere et fils</i>, entered through a double door painted over the
+outside, with the name of "SMALLS"; to which Mr. Filcher directed
+our hero's attention by saying, "You can have that name took out,
+sir, and your own name painted in. Mr. Smalls has just moved
+hisself to the other quad, and that's why the rooms is vacant,
+sir."</p>
+<p>Mr. Filcher then went on to point out the properties and
+capabilities of the rooms, and also their mechanical
+contrivances.</p>
+<p>"This is the hoak, this 'ere outer door is, sir, which the
+gentlemen sports, that is to say, shuts, sir, when they're a
+readin'. Not as Mr. Smalls ever hinterfered with his constitootion
+by too much 'ard study, sir; he only sported his hoak when people
+used to get troublesome about their little bills. Here's a place
+for coals, sir, though Mr. Smalls, he kept his bull-terrier there,
+which was agin the regulations, as <i>you</i> know, sir." (Verdant
+nodded his head, as though he were perfectly aware of the fact.)
+"This ere's your bed-room, sir. Very small, did you say, sir? Oh,
+no, sir; not by no means! <i>We</i> thinks that in college reether
+a biggish bed-room, sir. Mr. Smalls thought so, sir, and he's in
+his second year, <i>he</i> is." (Mr. Filcher thoroughly understood
+the science of "flooring" a freshman.)</p>
+<p>"This is <i>my</i> room, sir, this is, for keepin' your cups and
+saucers, and wine-glasses and tumblers, and them sort o' things,
+and washin' 'em up when you wants 'em. If you likes to keep your
+wine and sperrits here, sir - Mr. Smalls always did - you'll find
+it a nice cool place, sir: or else here's this 'ere winder-seat;
+you see, sir, it opens with a lid, 'andy for the purpose."</p>
+<p>"If you act upon that suggestion, Verdant," remarked Mr. Green
+aside to his son, "I trust that a lock will be added."</p>
+<p>There was not a superfluity of furniture in the room; and Mr.
+Smalls having conveyed away the luxurious part of it, that which
+was left had more of the useful than the ornamental character; but
+as Mr. Verdant Green was no Sybarite, this
+point was but of little consequence.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Robert Filcher shows Messrs Green the window and storage arrangements in VG's College rooms***"
+src="images/VG039.JPG" width="231" height="256" /></p>
+<p>The window looked with a sunny aspect down upon the quad, and
+over the opposite buildings were seen the spires of churches, the
+dome of the Radcliffe, and the gables, pinnacles, and turrets of
+other colleges. This was pleasant enough: pleasanter than the stale
+odours of the Virginian weed that rose from the faded green
+window-curtains, and from the old Kidderminster carpet that had
+been charred and burnt into holes with the fag-ends of cigars.</p>
+<p>"Well, Verdant," said Mr. Green, when they had completed their
+inspection, "the rooms are not so very bad, and I think you may be
+able to make yourself comfortable in them. But I wish they were not
+so high up. I don't see how you can escape if a fire was to break
+out, and I am afraid collegians must be very careless on these
+points. Indeed, your mother made me promise that I would speak to
+Dr. Portman about it, and ask him to please to allow your tutor, or
+somebody, to see that your fire was safely raked out at night; and
+I had intended to have done so, but somehow it quite escaped me.
+How your mother and all at home would like to see you in your own
+college room!" And the thoughts of father and son flew back to the
+Manor Green and its occupants, who were doubtless at the same time
+thinking of them.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Robert Filcher waves his handkerchief in the air in an ecstatic dance***"
+src="images/VG040.JPG" width="132" height="253" /></p>
+<p>Mr. Filcher then explained the system of thirds, by which the
+furniture of the room was to be paid for; and, having accompanied
+his future master and Mr. Green downstairs,
+the latter accomplishing the descent not
+without difficulty and contusions, and having pointed out the way
+to Mr. Slowcoach's rooms, Mr. Robert Filcher relieved his feelings
+by indulging in a ballet of action, or <i>pas d'extase</i>; in
+which poetry of motion he declared his joy at the last valuable
+addition to Brazenface, and his own perquisites.</p>
+<p>Mr. Slowcoach was within, and would see Mr. Verdant Green. So
+that young gentleman, trembling with agitation, and feeling as
+though he would have given pounds for the staircase to have been as
+high as that of Babel, followed the servant upstairs, and left his
+father, in almost as great a state of nervousness, pacing the quad
+below. But it was not the formidable affair, nor was Mr. Slowcoach
+the formidable man, that Mr. Verdant Green had anticipated; and by
+the time that he had turned a piece of <i>Spectator</i> into Latin,
+our hero had somewhat recovered his usual equanimity of mind and
+serenity of expression: and the construing of half a dozen lines of
+Livy and Homer, and the answering of a few questions, was a mere
+form; for Mr. Slowcoach's long practice enabled him to see in a
+very few minutes if the freshman before him (however nervous he
+might be) had the usual average of abilities, and was up to the
+business of lectures. So Mr. Verdant Green was soon dismissed, and
+returned to his father radiant and happy.</p>
+<p><a name="ch1.5" id="ch1.5"></a></p>
+<p><a href="#contents">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER V.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN MATRICULATES, AND MAKES A SENSATION.</h4>
+<p>AS they went out at the gate, they inquired of the porter for
+Mr. Charles Larkyns, but they found that he had not yet returned
+from the friend's house where he had been during the vacation;
+whereupon Mr. Green said that they would
+go and look at the Oxford lions, so that he might be able to answer
+any of the questions that should be put to him on his return.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Messrs Green observing Oxford buildings with their guide***"
+src="images/VG041.JPG" width="240" height="309" /></p>
+<p>They soon found a guide, one of those wonderful people to which
+show-places give birth, and of whom Oxford can boast a very goodly
+average; and under this gentleman's guidance Mr. Verdant Green made
+his first acquaintance with the fair outside of his Alma Mater.</p>
+<p>The short, thick stick of the guide served to direct attention
+to the various objects he enumerated in his rapid career: "This
+here's Christ Church College," he said, as he trotted them down St
+Aldate's, "built by Card'nal Hoolsy four underd feet long and the
+famous Tom Tower as tolls wun underd and wun hevery night that
+being the number of stoodents on the foundation;" and thus the
+guide went on, perfectly independent of the artificial trammels of
+punctuation, and not particular whether his hearers understood him
+or not: that was not <i>his</i> business. And as it was that
+gentleman's boast that he "could do the alls, collidges, and
+principal hedifices in a nour and a naff," it could not be expected
+but that Mr. Green should take back to Warwickshire otherwise than
+a slightly confused impression of Oxford.</p>
+<p>When he unrolled that rich panorama before his "mind's eye," all
+its component parts were strangely out of place. The rich spire of
+St. Mary's claimed acquaintance with her
+poorer sister at the cathedral.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: A confused collage of miscellaneous Oxonian public buildings***"
+src="images/VG042.JPG" width="205" height="299" /></p>
+<p>The cupola of the Tom Tower got into close quarters with the
+huge dome of the Radcliffe, that shrugged up its great round
+shoulders at the intrusion of the cross-bred Graeco-Gothic tower of
+All Saints. The theatre had walked up to St. Giles's to see how the
+Taylor Buildings agreed with the University galleries; while the
+Martyrs' Memorial had stepped down to Magdalen Bridge, in time to
+see the college taking a walk in the Botanic Gardens. The Schools
+and the Bodleian had set their back against the stately portico of
+the Clarendon Press; while the antiquated Ashmolean had given place
+to the more modern Townhall. The time-honoured, black-looking front
+of University College had changed into the cold cleanliness of the
+"classic" <i>facade</i> of Queen's. The two towers of All Souls' -
+whose several stages seem to be pulled out of each other like the
+parts of a telescope, - had, somehow, removed themselves from the
+rest of the building, which had gone, nevertheless, on a tour to
+Broad Street; behind which, as every one knows, are the Broad Walk
+and the Christ Church meadows. Merton Chapel had got into
+<i>New</i> quarters; and Wadham had gone to Worcester for change of
+air. Lincoln had migrated from near Exeter to Pembroke; and
+Brasenose had its nose quite put out of joint by St. John's. In
+short, if the maps of Oxford are to be trusted, there had been a
+general <i>pousset</i> movement among its public buildings.</p>
+<p>But if such a shrewd and practised observer as Sir Walter Scott,
+after a week's hard and systematic sight-seeing, could only say of
+Oxford, "The time has been much too short to convey to me separate
+and distinct ideas of all the variety of wonders that I saw: my
+memory only at present furnishes a grand but indistinct picture of
+towers, and chapels, and oriels, and vaulted halls, and libraries,
+and paintings;" - if Sir Walter Scott could say this after a week's
+work, it is not to be wondered at that Mr. Green, after so brief
+and rapid a survey of the city at the heels of an unintelligent
+guide, should feel himself slightly confused when, on his return to
+the Manor Green, he attempted to give a slight description of the
+wonderful sights of Oxford.</p>
+<p>There was <i>one</i> lion of Oxford, however, whose
+individuality of expression was too striking either to be forgotten
+or confused with the many other lions around. Although (as in
+Byron's <i>Dream</i>)</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p align="right">"A mass of many images</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Crowded like waves upon"</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>Mr. Green, yet clear and distinct through all there ran</p>
+<center>"The stream-like windings of that glorious street,"
+<font color="#FF0000">[2]</font></center>
+<p>to which one of the first critics of the age <font color=
+"#FF0000">[3]</font> has given this high testimony of praise: "The
+High Street of Oxford has not its equal in the whole world."</p>
+<p>Mr. Green could not, of course, leave Oxford until he had seen
+his beloved son in that elegant cap and preposterous gown which
+constitute the present academical dress of the Oxford
+undergraduate; and to assume which, with a legal right to the same,
+matriculation is first necessary. As that amusing and instructive
+book, the <i>University Statutes</i>, says in its own delightful
+and unrivalled canine Latin, "<i>Statutum est, quod nemo pro
+Studente, seu Scholari, habeatur, nec ullis Universitatis
+privilegiis, aut beneficiis</i>" (the cap and gown, of course,
+being among these), "<i>gaudeat, nisi qui in aliquod Collegium vel
+Aulam admissus fuerit, et intra quindenam post talem admissionem in
+matriculam Universitatis fuerit relatus</i>." So our hero put on
+the required white tie, and then went forth to complete his proper
+costume.</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[2] Wordsworth, Miscellaneous Sonnets.<br />
+[3] Dr. Waagen, Art and Artists in England.<br />
+-=-<br /></font></p>
+<p>There were so many persons purporting to be "Academical
+robe-makers," that Mr. Green was some little time in deciding who
+should be the tradesman favoured with the order for his son's
+adornment. At last he fixed upon a shop, the window of which
+contained a more imposing display than its neighbours of gowns,
+hoods, surplices, and robes of all shapes and colours, from the
+black velvet-sleeved proctor's to the blushing gorgeousness of the
+scarlet robe and crimson silk sleeves of the D.C.L.</p>
+<p>"I wish you," said Mr. Green, advancing towards a smirking
+individual, who was in his shirt-sleeves and slippers, but in all
+other respects was attired with great magnificence, - "I wish you
+to measure this gentleman for his academical robes, and also to
+allow him the use of some to be matriculated in."</p>
+<p>"Certainly, sir," said the robe-maker, who stood bowing and
+smirking before them, - as Hood expressively says,</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"Washing his hands with invisible soap,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>In imperceptible water;"-</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>"certainly, sir, if you wish it: but it will scarcely be
+necessary, sir; as our custom is so extensive, that we keep a large
+ready-made stock constantly on hand."</p>
+<p>"Oh, that will do just as well," said Mr. Green; "better,
+indeed. Let us see some."</p>
+<p>"What description of robe would be required?" said the smirking
+gentleman, again making use of the invisible soap; "a
+scholar's?"</p>
+<p>"A scholar's!" repeated Mr. Green, very much wondering at the
+question, and imagining that all students must of necessity be also
+scholars; "yes, a scholar's, of course."</p>
+<p>A scholar's gown was accordingly produced: and its deep, wide
+sleeves, and ample length and breadth, were soon displayed to some
+advantage on Mr. Verdant Green's tall figure. Reflected in a large
+mirror, its charms were seen in their full perfection; and when the
+delighted Mr. Green exclaimed, "Why, Verdant, I never saw you look
+so well as you do now!" our hero was inclined to think that his
+father's words were the words of truth, and that a scholar's gown
+was indeed becoming. The <i>tout ensemble</i> was complete when the
+cap had been added to the gown; more especially as Verdant put it
+on in such a manner that the polite robe-maker was obliged to say,
+"The hother way, if you please, sir. Immaterial perhaps, but
+generally preferred. In fact, the shallow part is <i>always</i> the
+forehead, - at least, in Oxford, sir."</p>
+<p>While Mr. Green was paying for the cap and gown (N.B. the money
+of governors is never refused), the robe-maker smirked, and said,
+"Hexcuse the question; but may I hask, sir, if this is the
+gentleman that has just gained the Scotland Scholarship?"</p>
+<p>"No," replied Mr. Green. "My son has just gained his
+matriculation, and, I believe, very creditably; but nothing more,
+as we only came here yesterday."</p>
+<p>"Then I think, sir," said the robe-maker, with redoubled smirks
+- "I think, sir, there is a leetle mistake here. The gentleman will
+be hinfringing the University statues, if he wears a scholar's gown
+and hasn't got a scholarship; and these robes'll be of no use to
+the gentleman, yet awhile at least. It
+will be an undergraduate's gown that he requires, sir."</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG tries on his gown in the outfitter's, his father proudly looks on***"
+src="images/VG045.JPG" width="224" height="301" /></p>
+<p>It was fortunate for our hero that the mistake was discovered so
+soon, and could be rectified without any of those unpleasant
+consequences of iconoclasm to which the robe-maker's infringement
+of the "statues" seemed to point; but as that gentleman put the
+scholar's gown on one side, and brought out a commoner's, he might
+have been heard to mutter, "I don't know which is the freshest, -
+the freshman or his guv'nor."</p>
+<p>When Mr. Verdant Green once more looked in the glass, and saw
+hanging straight from his shoulders a yard of blueish-black stuff,
+garnished with a little lappet, and two streamers whose upper parts
+were gathered into double plaits, he regretted that he was not
+indeed a scholar, if it were only for the privilege of wearing so
+elegant a gown. However, his father smiled approvingly, the
+robe-maker smirked judiciously; so he came to the gratifying
+conclusion that the commoner's gown was by no means ugly, and would
+be thought a great deal of at the Manor Green when he took it home
+at the end of the term.</p>
+<p>Leaving his hat with the robe-maker, who, with many more smirks
+and imaginary washings of the hands, hoped to be favoured with the
+gentleman's patronage on future occasions, and begged further to
+trouble him with a card of his establishment, - our hero proceeded
+with his father along the High Street, and turned round by St.
+Mary's, and so up Cat Street to the Schools, where they made their
+way to the classic "Pig-market," <font color="#FF0000">[4]</font>
+to await the arrival of the Vice-Chancellor.</p>
+<p>When he came, our freshman and two other white-tied
+fellow-freshmen were summoned to the great man's presence; and
+there, in the ante-chamber of the Convocation House, <font color=
+"#FF0000">[5]</font> the edifying and imposing spectacle of
+Matriculation was enacted. In the first place, Mr. Verdant Green
+took divers oaths, and sincerely promised and swore that he would
+be faithful and bear true allegiance to her Majesty Queen Victoria.
+He also professed (very much to his own astonishment) that he did
+"from his heart abhor, detest, and abjure, as impious and
+heretical, that damnable doctrine and position, that princes
+excommunicated or deprived by the pope, or any authority of the see
+of Rome, may be deposed or murdered by their subjects, or any other
+whatsoever." And, having almost lost his breath at this novel
+"position," Mr. Verdant Green could only gasp his declaration,
+"that no foreign prince, person, prelate, state, or potentate,
+hath, or ought to have, any jurisdiction, power, superiority,
+pre-eminence, or authority, ecclesiastical or spiritual, within
+this realm." When he had sufficiently recovered his presence of
+mind, Mr. Verdant Green inserted his name in the University books
+as "Generosi filius natu maximus"; and then signed his name to the
+Thirty-nine Articles, - though he did not endanger his
+matriculation, as Theodore Hook did, by professing his readiness to
+sign forty if they wished it! Then the Vice-Chancellor concluded
+the performance by presenting to the three freshmen (in the most
+liberal manner) three brown-looking volumes, with these words:
+"Scitote vos in Matriculam Universitatis hodie relatos esse, sub
+hac conditione, nempe ut omnia Statuta hoc libro comprehensa pro
+virili observetis." And the ceremony was at an end, and Mr. Verdant
+Green was a matriculated member of the University of Oxford. He was
+far too nervous, - from the weakening effect of the popes, and the
+excommunicate princes, and their murderous subjects, - to be able
+to translate and understand what the Vice-Chancellor had said to
+him, but he thought his present to be particularly kind; and he
+found it a copy of the University Statutes, which he determined
+forthwith to read and obey.</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+<a name="Note4" id="Note4"></a>[4] The reason why such a name has
+been given to the Schools' quadrangle may be found in the following
+extract from <i>Ingram's Memorials:</i> "The schools built by Abbot
+Hokenorton being inadequate to the increasing wants of the
+University, they applied to the Abbot of Reading for stone to
+rebuild them; and in the year 1532 it appears that considerable
+sums of money were expended on them; but they went to decay in the
+latter part of the reign of Henry VIII, and during the whole reign
+of Edward VI. The change of religion having occasioned a suspension
+of the usual exercises and scholastic acts in the University, in
+the year 1540 only two of these schools were used by determiners,
+and within two years after none at all. The whole area between
+these schools and the divinity school was subsequently converted
+into a garden and <i>pig-market</i>; and the schools themselves,
+being completely abandoned by the masters and scholars, were used
+by glovers and laundresses."<br />
+[5] "In apodyterio domui congregationis."<br />
+-=-</font><br /></p>
+<p>Though if he had known that he had sworn to observe statutes
+which required him, among other things, to wear garments only of a
+black or "subfusk" hue; to abstain from that absurd and proud
+custom of walking in public <i>in boots</i>, and the ridiculous one
+of wearing the hair long; <font color="#FF0000">[6]</font> -
+statutes, moreover, which demanded of him to refrain from all
+taverns, wine-shops, and houses in which they sold wine or any
+other drink, and the herb called nicotiana or "tobacco"; not to
+hunt wild beasts with dogs or snares or nets; not to carry
+cross-bows or other "bombarding" weapons, or keep hawks for
+fowling; not to frequent theatres or the strifes of gladiators; and
+only to carry a bow and arrows for the sake of honest recreation;
+<font color="#FF0000">[7]</font> - if Mr. Verdant Green had known
+that he had covenanted to do this, he would, perhaps, have felt
+some scruples in taking the oaths of matriculation. But this by the
+way.</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[6] See the Oxford Statutes, tit. xiv, "De vestitu et habitu
+scholastico."<br />
+[7] See the Oxford Statutes, tit. xv, "De moribus
+conformandis."<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Green senior reviews his hotel bill (picture on the wall in background entitled: 'The Victim')***"
+src="images/VG047.JPG" width="246" height="244" /></p>
+<p>Now that Mr. Green had seen all that he wished to see, nothing
+remained for him but to discharge his hotel bill. It was
+accordingly called for, and produced by the waiter, whose face - by
+a visitation of that complaint against which vaccination is usually
+considered a safeguard - had been reduced to a state resembling the
+interior half of a sliced muffin. To judge from the expression of
+Mr. Green's features as he regarded the document that had been put
+into his hand, it is probable that he had not been much accustomed
+to Oxford hotels; for he ran over the several items of the bill
+with a look in which surprise contended with indignation for the
+mastery, while the muffin-faced waiter handled his plated salver,
+and looked fixedly at nothing.</p>
+<p>Mr. Green, however, refraining from observations, paid the bill;
+and, muffling himself in greatcoat and travelling-cap, he prepared
+himself to take a comfortable journey back to Warwickshire, inside
+the Birmingham and Oxford coach. It was not loaded in the same way
+that it had been when he came up by it, and his fellow-passengers
+were of a very different description; and it must be confessed
+that, in the absence of Mr. Bouncer's tin horn, the attacks of
+intrusive terriers, and the involuntary fumigation of himself with
+tobacco (although its presence was still perceptible within the
+coach), Mr. Green found his journey <i>from</i> Oxford much more
+agreeable than it had been <i>to</i> that place. He took an
+affectionate farewell of his son, somewhat after the manner of the
+"heavy fathers" of the stage; and then the coach bore him away from
+the last lingering look of our hero, who felt any thing but heroic
+at being left for the first time in his
+life to shift for himself.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG at his College rooms window seat looking desolated***"
+src="images/VG048.JPG" width="174" height="251" /></p>
+<p>His luggage had been sent up to Brazenface, so thither he turned
+his steps, and with some little difficulty found his room. Mr.
+Filcher had partly unpacked his master's things, and had left
+everything uncomfortable and in "the most admired disorder"; and
+Mr. Verdant Green sat himself down upon the "practicable"
+window-seat, and resigned himself to his thoughts. If they had not
+already flown to the Manor Green, they would soon have been carried
+there; for a German band, just outside the college-gates, began to
+play "Home, sweet home," with that truth and delicacy of expression
+which the wandering minstrels of Germany seem to acquire
+intuitively. The sweet melancholy of the simple air, as it came
+subdued by distance into softer tones, would have powerfully
+affected most people who had just been torn from the bosom of their
+homes, to fight, all inexperienced, the battle of life; but it had
+such an effect on Mr. Verdant Green, that - but it little matters
+saying <i>what</i> he did; many people will give way to feelings in
+private that they would stifle in company; and if Mr. Filcher on
+his return found his master wiping his spectacles, why that was
+only a simple proceeding which all glasses frequently require.</p>
+<p>To divert his thoughts, and to impress upon himself and others
+the fact that he was an Oxford MAN, our freshman set out for a
+stroll; and as the unaccustomed feeling of the gown
+about his shoulders made him feel somewhat
+embarrassed as to the carriage of his arms, he stepped into a shop
+on the way and purchased a light cane, which he considered would
+greatly add to the effect of the cap and gown.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG disporting himself with his walking cane***" src=
+"images/VG049.JPG" width="148" height="273" /></p>
+<p>Armed with this weapon, he proceeded to disport himself in the
+Christ Church meadows, and promenaded up and down the Broad
+Walk.</p>
+<p>The beautiful meadows lay green and bright in the sun; the
+arching trees threw a softened light, and made a chequered pavement
+of the great Broad Walk; "witch-elms <i>did</i> counter-change the
+floor" of the gravel-walks that wound with the windings of the
+Cherwell; the drooping willows were mirrored in its stream; through
+openings in the trees there were glimpses of grey, old
+college-buildings; then came the walk along the banks, the Isis</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Group of ladies on VG's promenade***" src=
+"images/VG050-1.JPG" width="249" height="273" /><br /></p>
+<p>shining like molten silver, and fringed around with barges and
+boats; then another stretch of green meadows; then a cloud of
+steam</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Woman with frightened young children on VG's promenade***"
+src="images/VG050-2.JPG" width="249" height="273" /></p>
+<br />
+<p>from the railway-station; and a background of gently-rising
+hills. It was a cheerful scene, and the variety of figures gave
+life and animation to the whole.</p>
+<p>Young ladies and unprotected females were found in abundance,
+dressed in all the engaging variety of light spring dresses; and,
+as may be supposed, our hero attracted a great deal of their
+attention, and afforded them no small amusement. But the unusual
+and terrific appearance of a spectacled
+gownsman with a cane produced the greatest alarm among the
+juveniles, who imagined our freshman to be a new description
+of beadle or Bogy, summoned up by the
+exigencies of the times to preserve a rigorous discipline among the
+young people; and, regarding his cane as the symbol of his stern
+sway, they harassed their nursemaids by unceasingly charging at
+their petticoats for protection.</p>
+<p>Altogether, Mr. Verdant Green made quite a sensation.</p>
+<a name="ch1.6" id="ch1.6"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER VI.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN DINES, BREAKFASTS, AND GOES TO CHAPEL.</h4>
+<p>OUR hero dressed himself with great care, that he might make his
+first appearance in Hall with proper <i>eclat</i> - and, having
+made his way towards the lantern-surmounted building, he walked up
+the steps and under the groined archway with a crowd of hungry
+undergraduates who were hurrying in to dinner. The clatter of
+plates would have alone been sufficient to guide his steps; and,
+passing through one of the doors in the elaborately carved screen
+that shut off the passage and the buttery, he found himself within
+the hall of Brazenface. It was of noble size, lighted by lofty
+windows, and carried up to a great height by an open roof, dark
+(save where it opened to the lantern) with great oak beams, and
+rich with carved pendants and gilded bosses. The ample fire-places
+displayed the capaciousness of those collegiate mouths of "the
+wind-pipes of hospitality," and gave an idea of the dimensions of
+the kitchen ranges. In the centre of the hall was a huge
+plate-warmer, elaborately worked in brass with the college arms.
+Founders and benefactors were seen, or suggested, on all sides;
+their arms gleamed from the windows in all the glories of stained
+glass; and their faces peered out from the massive gilt frames on
+the walls, as though their shadows loved to linger about the spot
+that had been benefited by their substance. At the further end of
+the hall a deep bay-window threw its painted light upon a dais,
+along which stretched the table for the Dons; Masters and Bachelors
+occupied side-tables; and the other tables were filled up by the
+undergraduates; every one, from the Don downwards, being in his
+gown.</p>
+<p>Our hero was considerably impressed with the (to him) singular
+character of the scene; and from the "Benedictus benedicat"
+grace-before-meat to the "Benedicto benedicamur" after-meat, he
+gazed curiously around him in silent wonderment. So much indeed was
+he wrapped up in the novelty of the scene, that he ran a great risk
+of losing his dinner. The scouts fled about in all directions with
+plates, and glasses, and pewter dishes, and massive silver mugs
+that had gone round the tables for the last two centuries, and
+still no one waited upon Mr. Verdant Green. He twice ventured to
+timidly say, "Waiter!" but as no one answered to his call, and as
+he was too bashful and occupied with his own thoughts to make
+another attempt, it is probable that he would have risen from
+dinner as unsatisfied as when he sat down, had not his right-hand
+companion (having partly relieved his own wants) perceived his
+neighbour to be a freshman, and kindly said to him, "I think you'd
+better begin your dinner, because we don't stay here long.
+</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG being waited on at his College dinner***" src=
+"images/VG052.JPG" width="418" height="462" /></p>
+<p>What is your scout's name?" And when he had been told it, he
+turned to Mr. Filcher and asked him, "What the doose he meant by
+not waiting on his master?" which, with the addition of a few
+gratuitous threats, had the effect of bringing that gentleman to
+his master's side, and reducing Mr. Verdant Green to a state of
+mind in which gratitude to his companion and a desire to beg his
+scout's pardon were confusedly blended. Not seeing any dishes upon
+the table to select from, he referred to the list, and fell back on
+the standard roast beef.</p>
+<p>"I am sure I am very much obliged to you," said Verdant, turning
+to his friendly neighbour. "My rooms are next to yours, and I had
+the pleasure of being driven by you on the coach the other
+day."</p>
+<p>"Oh!" said Mr. Fosbrooke, for it was he; "ah, I remember you
+now! I suppose the old bird was your governor. <i>He</i> seemed to
+think it any thing but a pleasure, being driven by Four-in-hand
+Fosbrooke."</p>
+<p>"Why, pap - my father - is rather nervous on a coach," replied
+Verdant: "he was bringing me to college for the first time."</p>
+<p>"Then you are the man that has just come into Smalls' old rooms?
+Oh, I see. Don't you ever drink with your dinner? If you don't
+holler for your rascal, he'll never half wait upon you. Always
+bully them well at first, and then they learn manners."</p>
+<p>So, by way of commencing the bullying system without loss of
+time, our hero called out very fiercely "Robert!" and then, as Mr.
+Filcher glided to his side, he timidly dropped his tone into a mild
+"Glass of water, if you please, Robert."</p>
+<p>He felt rather relieved when dinner was over, and retired at
+once to his own rooms; where, making a rather quiet and sudden
+entrance, he found them tenanted by an old woman, who wore a huge
+bonnet tilted on the top of her head, and was busily and dubiously
+engaged at one of his open boxes. "Ahem!" he coughed, at which note
+of warning the old lady jumped round very quickly, and said, -
+dabbing curtseys where there were stops, like the beats of a
+conductor's <i>baton</i>, - "Law bless me, sir. It's beggin' your
+parding that I am. Not seein' you a comin' in. Bein' 'ard of
+hearin' from a hinfant. And havin' my back turned. I was just a
+puttin' your things to rights, sir. If you please, sir, I'm Mrs.
+Tester. Your bed-maker, sir."</p>
+<p>"Oh, thank you," said our freshman, with the shadow of a
+suspicion that Mrs. Tester was doing something more than merely
+"putting to rights" the pots of jam and marmalade, and the packages
+of tea and coffee, which his doting mother had thoughtfully placed
+in his box as a provision against immediate distress. "Thank
+you."</p>
+<p>"I've done my rooms, sir," dabbed Mrs. Tester. "Which if thought
+agreeable, I'd stay and put these things in their places. Which it
+certainly is Robert's place. But I never minds putting myself out.
+As I always perpetually am minded. So long as I can obleege the
+gentlemen."</p>
+<p>So, as our hero was of a yielding disposition, and could, under
+skilful hands, easily be moulded into any form, he allowed Mrs.
+Tester to remain, and conclude the unpacking and putting away of
+his goods, in which operations she displayed great generalship.</p>
+<p>"You've a deal of tea and coffee, sir," she said, keeping time
+by curtseys. "Which it's a great blessin' to have a mother. And not
+to be left dissolute like some gentlemen. And tea and coffee is
+what I mostly lives on. And mortial dear it is to poor folks. And a
+package the likes of this, sir, were a blessin' I should never even
+dream on."</p>
+<p>"Well, then," said Verdant, in a most benevolent mood, "you can
+take one of the packages for your trouble."</p>
+<p>Upon this, Mrs. Tester appeared to be greatly overcome. "Which I
+once had a son myself," she said. "And as fine a young man as you
+are, sir. With a strawberry mark in the small of his back. And
+beautiful red whiskers, sir; with a tendency to drink. Which it
+were his rewing, and took him to be enlisted for a sojer. When he
+went across the seas to the West Injies. And was took with the
+yaller fever, and buried there. Which the remembrance, sir, brings
+on my spazzums. To which I'm an hafflicted martyr, sir. And can
+only be heased with three spots of brandy on a lump of sugar. Which
+your good mother, sir, has put a bottle of brandy. Along with the
+jam and the clean linen, sir. As though a purpose for my complaint.
+Ugh! oh!"</p>
+<p>And Mrs. Tester forthwith began pressing and thumping her sides
+in such a terrific manner, and appeared to be undergoing such
+internal agony, that Mr. Verdant Green not only gave her brandy
+there and then, for her immediate relief - "which it heases the
+spazzums deerectly, bless you," observed Mrs. Tester,
+parenthetically; but also told her where she could find the bottle,
+in case she should again be attacked when in his rooms; attacks
+which, it is needless to say, were repeated at every subsequent
+visit. Mrs. Tester then finished putting away the tea and coffee,
+and entered into further particulars about her late son; though
+what connection there was between him and the packages of tea, our
+hero could not perceive. Nevertheless he was much interested with
+her narrative, and thought Mrs. Tester a very affectionate,
+motherly sort of woman; more especially, when (Robert having placed
+his tea-things on the table) she showed him how to make the tea; an
+apparently simple feat that the freshman found himself perfectly
+unable to accomplish. And then Mrs. Tester made a final dab, and
+her exit, and our hero sat over his tea as long as he could,
+because it gave an idea of cheerfulness; and then, after directing
+Robert to be sure not to forget to call him in time for morning
+chapel, he retired to bed.</p>
+<p>The bed was very hard, and so small, that, had it not been for
+the wall, our hero's legs would have been visible (literally) at
+the foot; but despite these novelties, he sank into a sound rest,
+which at length passed into the following dream. He thought that he
+was back again at dinner at the Manor Green, but that the room was
+curiously like the hall of Brazenface, and that Mrs. Tester and Dr.
+Portman were on either side of him, with Mr. Fosbrooke and Robert
+talking to his sisters; and that he was reaching his hand to help
+Mrs. Tester to a packet of tea, which her son had sent them from
+the West Indies, when he threw over a wax-light, and set every
+thing on fire; and that the parish engine came up; and that there
+was a great noise, and a loud hammering; and, "Eh? yes! oh! the
+half-hour is it? Oh, yes! thank you!" And Mr. Verdant Green sprang
+out of bed much relieved in mind to find
+that the alarm of fire was nothing more than his scout knocking
+vigorously at his door, and that it was chapel-time.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG in his cramped sleeping accommodation***" src=
+"images/VG055.JPG" width="481" height="355" /></p>
+<p>"Want any warm water, sir?" asked Mr. Filcher, putting his head
+in at the door.</p>
+<p>"No, thank you," replied our hero; "I - I -"</p>
+<p>"Shave with cold. Ah! I see, sir. It's much 'ealthier, and makes
+the 'air grow. But any thing as you <i>does</i> want, sir, you've
+only to call."</p>
+<p>"If there is any thing that I want, Robert," said Verdant, "I
+will ring."</p>
+<p>"Bless you, sir," observed Mr. Filcher, "there ain't no bells
+never in colleges! They'd be rung off their wires in no time. Mr.
+Bouncer, sir, he uses a trumpet like they does on board ship. By
+the same token, that's it, sir!" And Mr. Filcher vanished, just in
+time to prevent little Mr. Bouncer from finishing a furious solo,
+from an entirely new version of <i>Robert le Diable</i>, which he
+was giving with novel effects through the medium of a
+speaking-trumpet.</p>
+<p>Verdant found his bed-room inconveniently small; so contracted,
+indeed, in its dimensions, that his toilette was not completed
+without his elbows having first suffered severe abrasions. His
+mechanical turnip shewed him that he had no time to lose, and the
+furious ringing of a bell, whose noise was echoed by the bells of
+other colleges, made him dress with a rapidity quite unusual, and
+hurry down stairs and across quad. to the chapel steps, up which a
+throng of students were hastening. Nearly all betrayed symptoms of
+having been aroused from their sleep without having had any spare
+time for an elaborate toilette, and many,
+indeed, were completing it, by thrusting themselves into surplices
+and gowns as they hurried up the steps.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG washes in his hand-basin on rising***" src=
+"images/VG056.JPG" width="486" height="338" /></p>
+<p>Mr. Fosbrooke was one of these; and when he saw Verdant close to
+him, he benevolently recognized him, and said, "Let me put you up
+to a wrinkle. When they ring you up sharp for chapel, don't you
+lose any time about your absolutions, - washing, you know; but just
+jump into a pair of bags and Wellingtons; clap a top-coat on you,
+and button it up to the chin, and there you are, ready dressed in
+the twinkling of a bed-post."</p>
+<p>Before Mr. Verdant Green could at all comprehend why a person
+should jump into two bags, instead of dressing himself in the
+normal manner, they went through the ante-chapel, or "Court of the
+Gentiles," as Mr. Fosbrooke termed it, and entered the choir of the
+chapel through a screen elaborately decorated in the Jacobean
+style, with pillars and arches, and festoons of fruit and flowers,
+and bells and pomegranates. On either side of the door were two
+men, who quickly glanced at each one who passed, and as quickly
+pricked a mark against his name on the chapel lists. As the
+freshman went by, they made a careful study of his person, and took
+mental daguerreotypes of his features. Seeing no beadle, or
+pew-opener (or, for the matter of that, any pews), or any one to
+direct him to a place, Mr. Verdant Green quietly took a seat in the
+first place that he found empty, which happened to be the stall on
+the right hand of the door.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG entering his College chapel with other undergraduates***"
+src="images/VG057.JPG" width="498" height="489" /></p>
+<p>Unconscious of the trespass he was committing, he at once put
+his cap to his face and knelt down; but he had no sooner risen from
+his knees, than he found an imposing-looking Don, as large as life
+and quite as natural, who was staring at him with the greatest
+astonishment, and motioning him to immediately "come out of that!"
+This our hero did with the greatest speed and confusion, and sank
+breathless on the end of the nearest bench; when, just as in his
+agitation, he had again said his prayer, the service fortunately
+commenced, and somewhat relieved him of his embarrassment.</p>
+<p>Although he had the glories of Magdalen, Merton, and New College
+chapels fresh in his mind, yet Verdant was considerably impressed
+with the solemn beauties of his own college chapel. He admired its
+harmonious proportions, and the elaborate carving of its decorated
+tracery. He noted every thing: the great eagle that seemed to be
+spreading its wings for an upward flight, - the pavement of black
+and white marble, - the dark canopied stalls, rich with the later
+work of Grinling Gibbons, - the elegant tracery of the windows; and
+he lost himself in a solemn reverie as he
+looked up at the saintly forms through which the rays of the
+morning sun streamed in rainbow tints.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG's gown being tied to the pew in his College chapel***"
+src="images/VG058.JPG" width="530" height="431" /></p>
+<p>But the lesson had just begun; and the man on Verdant's right
+appeared to be attentively following it. Our freshman, however,
+could not help seeing the book, and, much to his astonishment, he
+found it to be a Livy, out of which his neighbour was getting up
+his morning's lecture. He was still more astonished, when the
+lesson had come to an end, by being suddenly pulled back when he
+attempted to rise, and finding the streamers of his gown had been
+put to a use never intended for them, by being tied round the
+finial of the stall behind him, - the silly work of a boyish
+gentleman, who, in his desire to play off a practical joke on a
+freshman, forgot the sacredness of the place where college rules
+compelled him to shew himself on morning parade.</p>
+<p>Chapel over, our hero hurried back to his rooms, and there, to
+his great joy, found a budget of letters from home; and surely the
+little items of intelligence that made up the news of the Manor
+Green had never seemed to possess such interest as now! The reading
+and re-reading of these occupied him during the whole of
+breakfast-time; and Mr. Filcher found him still engaged in perusing
+them when he came to clear away the things.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Robert Filcher and VG's unconsumed 'commons'***"
+src="images/VG059.JPG" width="455" height="418" /></p>
+<p>Then it was that Verdant discovered the extended meaning that
+the word "perquisites" possesses in the eyes of
+a scout, for, to a remark that he had
+made, Robert replied in a tone of surprise, "Put away these bits o'
+things as is left, sir!" and then added, with an air of mild
+correction, "you see, sir, you's fresh to the place, and don't know
+that gentlemen never likes that sort o' thing done <i>here</i>,
+sir; but you gets your commons, sir, fresh and fresh every morning
+and evening, which must be much more agreeable to the 'ealth than a
+heating of stale bread and such like. No, sir!" continued Mr.
+Filcher, with a manner that was truly parental, "no sir! you trust
+to me, sir, and I'll take care of your things, I will." And from
+the way that he carried off the eatables, it seemed probable that
+he would make good his words. But our freshman felt considerable
+awe of his scout, and murmuring broken accents, that sounded like
+"ignorance - customs - University," he endeavoured, by a liberal
+use of his pocket-handkerchief, to appear as if he were not
+blushing.</p>
+<p>As Mr. Slowcoach had told him that he would not have to begin
+lectures until the following day, and as the Greek play fixed for
+the lecture was one with which he had been made well acquainted by
+Mr. Larkyns, Verdant began to consider what he could do with
+himself, when the thought of Mr. Larkyns suggested the idea that
+his son Charles had probably by this time returned to college. He
+determined therefore at once to go in
+search of him; and looking out a letter which the rector had
+commissioned him to deliver to his son, he inquired of Robert, if
+he was aware whether Mr. Charles Larkyns had come back from his
+holidays.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG ascending College staircase as another comes down***"
+src="images/VG060.JPG" width="520" height="447" /></p>
+<p>"'Ollidays, sir?," said Mr. Filcher. "Oh! I see, sir! Vacation,
+you mean, sir. Young gentlemen as is <i>men</i>, sir, likes to call
+their 'ollidays by a different name to boys', sir. Yes, sir, Mr.
+Charles Larkyns, he come up last arternoon, sir; but he and Mr.
+Smalls, the gent as he's been down with this vacation, the same as
+had these rooms, sir, they didn't come to 'All, sir, but went and
+had their dinners comfortable at the Star, sir; and very pleasant
+they made theirselves; and Thomas, their scout, sir, has had quite
+a horder for sober-water this morning, sir."</p>
+<p>With somewhat of a feeling of wonder how one scout contrived to
+know so much of the proceedings of gentlemen who were waited on by
+another scout, and wholly ignorant of his allusion to his
+fellow-servant's dealings in soda-water, Mr. Verdant Green inquired
+where he could find Mr. Larkyns, and as the rooms were but just on
+the other side of the quad., he put on his hat, and made his way to
+them. The scout was just going into the room, so our hero gave a
+tap at the door and followed him.</p>
+<a name="ch1.7" id="ch1.7"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER VII.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN CALLS ON A GENTLEMAN WHO "IS LICENSED TO
+SELL".</h4>
+<p>MR. VERDANT GREEN found himself in a room that had a pleasant
+look-out over the gardens of Brazenface, from which a noble
+chestnut tree brought its pyramids of bloom close up to the very
+windows. The walls of the room were decorated with engravings in
+gilt frames, their variety of subject denoting the catholic taste
+of their proprietor. "The start for the Derby," and other coloured
+hunting prints, shewed his taste for the field and horseflesh;
+Landseer's "Distinguished Member of the Humane Society," "Dignity
+and Impudence," and others, displayed his fondness for dog-flesh;
+while Byron beauties, "Amy Robsart," and some extremely <i>au
+naturel</i> pets of the ballet, proclaimed his passion for the fair
+sex in general. Over the fire-place was a mirror (for Mr. Charles
+Larkyns was not averse to the reflection of his good-looking
+features, and was rather glad than otherwise of "an excuse for the
+glass,") its frame stuck full of tradesmen's cards and (unpaid)
+bills, invites, "bits of pasteboard" pencilled with a mystic
+"wine," and other odds and ends: - no private letters though! Mr.
+Larkyns was too wary to leave his "family secrets" for the
+delectation of his scout. Over the mirror was displayed a fox's
+mask, gazing vacantly from between two brushes; leaving the
+spectator to imagine that Mr. Charles Larkyns was a second Nimrod,
+and had in some way or other been intimately concerned in the
+capture of these trophies of the chase. This supposition of the
+imaginative spectator would be strengthened by the appearance of a
+list of hunting appointments (of the past season) pinned up over a
+list of lectures, and not quite in character with the tabular views
+of prophecies, kings of Israel and Judah, and the Thirty-nine
+Articles, which did duty elsewhere on the walls, where they were
+presumed to be studied in spare minutes - which were remarkably
+spare indeed.</p>
+<p>The sporting character of the proprietor of the rooms was
+further suggested by the huge pair of antlers over the door,
+bearing on their tines a collection of sticks, whips, and spurs;
+while, to prove that Mr. Larkyns was not wholly taken up by the
+charms of the chase, fishing-rods, tandem-whips, cricket-bats, and
+Joe Mantons, were piled up in odd corners; and single-sticks,
+boxing-gloves, and foils, gracefully arranged upon the walls,
+shewed that he occasionally devoted himself to athletic pursuits.
+An ingenious wire-rack for pipes and meerschaums, and the presence
+of one or two suspicious-looking boxes, labelled "collorados,"
+"regalia," "lukotilla," and with other unknown words, seemed to
+intimate that, if Mr. Larkyns was no smoker himself, he at least
+kept a bountiful supply of "smoke" for his friends; but the
+perfumed cloud that was proceeding from his lips as Verdant entered
+the room, dispelled all doubts on the subject.</p>
+<p>He was much changed in appearance during the somewhat long
+interval since Verdant had last seen him, and his handsome features
+had assumed a more manly, though perhaps a more rakish look. He was
+lolling on a couch in the <i>neglige</i> attire of dressing-gown
+and slippers, with his pink striped shirt comfortably open at the
+neck. Lounging in an easy chair opposite to him was a gentleman
+clad in tartan-plaid, whose face might only be partially discerned
+through the glass bottom of a pewter, out of which he was draining
+the last draught. Between them was a table covered with the
+ordinary appointments for a breakfast, and the extra-ordinary ones
+of beer-cup and soda-water. Two Skye terriers, hearing a strange
+footstep, immediately barked out a challenge of "Who goes there?"
+and made Mr. Larkyns aware that an intruder was at hand.</p>
+<p>Slightly turning his head, he dimly saw through the smoke a
+spectacled figure taking off his hat, and holding out an envelope,
+and without looking further, he said, "It's no use coming here,
+young man, and stealing a march in this way! I don't owe <i>you</i>
+any thing; and if I did, it is not convenient to pay it. I told
+Spavin not to send me any more of his confounded reminders; so go
+back and tell him that he'll find it all right in the long-run, and
+that I'm really going to read this term, and shall stump the
+examiners at last. And now, my friend, you'd better make yourself
+scarce and vanish! You know where the door lies!"</p>
+<p>Our hero was so confounded at this unusual manner of receiving a
+friend, that he was some little time before he could gasp out,
+"Why, Charles Larkyns - don't you remember me? Verdant Green!"</p>
+<p>Mr. Larkyns, astonished in his turn, jumped up directly, and
+came to him with outstretched hands. "'Pon my word, old fellow," he
+said, "I really beg you ten thousand pardons for not recognizing
+you; but you are so altered - allow me to add, improved, - since I
+last saw you; you were not a bashaw of two tails, then, you know;
+and, really, wearing your beaver up, like Hamlet's uncle, I
+altogether took you for a dun. For I am a victim of a very
+remarkable monomania.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Charles Larkyns takes VG for a debt-collector***"
+src="images/VG063.JPG" width="520" height="396" /></p>
+<p>There are in this place wretched beings calling themselves
+tradesmen, who labour under the impression that I owe them what
+they facetiously term little bills; and though I have frequently
+assured their messengers, who are kind
+enough to come here to inquire for Mr. Larkyns, that that
+unfortunate gentleman has been obliged to hide himself from
+persecution in a convent abroad, yet the wretches still hammer at
+my oak, and disturb my peace of mind. But bring yourself to an
+anchor, old fellow! This man is Smalls; a capital fellow, whose
+chief merit consists in his devotion to literature; indeed, he
+reads so hard that he is called a <i>fast</i> man. Smalls! let me
+introduce my friend Verdant Green, a freshman, - ahem! - and the
+proprietor, I believe, of your old rooms."</p>
+<p>Our hero made a profound bow to Mr. Smalls, who returned it with
+great gravity, and said he "had great pleasure in forming the
+acquaintance of a freshman like Mr. Verdant Green;" which was
+doubtless quite true; and he then evinced his devotion to
+literature by continuing the perusal of one of those vivid and
+refined accounts of "a rattling set-to between Nobby Buffer and
+Hammer Sykes," for which <i>Tintinnabulum's Life</i> is so justly
+famous.</p>
+<p>"I heard from my governor," said Mr. Larkyns, "that you were
+coming up; and in the course of the morning I should have come and
+looked you up; but the - the fatigues of travelling yesterday,"
+continued Mr. Larkyns, as a lively recollection of the preceding
+evening's symposium stole over his mind, "made me rather later than
+usual this morning. Have you done any thing in this way?"</p>
+<p>Verdant replied that he had breakfasted, although he had not
+done any thing in the way of cigars, because he never smoked.</p>
+<p>"Never smoked! Is it possible!" exclaimed Mr. Smalls, violently
+interrupting himself in the perusal of <i>Tintinnabulum's Life</i>,
+while some private signals were rapidly telegraphed between him and
+Mr. Larkyns; "ah! you'll soon get the better of that weakness! Now,
+as you're a freshman, you'll perhaps allow me to give you a little
+advice. The Germans, you know, would never be the deep readers that
+they are, unless they smoked; and I should advise you to go to the
+Vice-Chancellor as soon as possible, and ask him for an order for
+some weeds. He'd be delighted to think you are beginning to set to
+work so soon!" To which our hero replied, that he was much obliged
+to Mr. Smalls for his kind advice, and if such were the customs of
+the place, he should do his best to fulfil them.</p>
+<p>"Perhaps you'll be surprised at our simple repast, Verdant,"
+said Mr. Larkyns; "but it's our misfortune. It all comes of hard
+reading and late hours: the midnight oil, you know, must be
+supplied, and <i>will</i> be paid for; the nervous system gets
+strained to excess, and you have to call in the doctor. Well, what
+does he do? Why, he prescribes a regular course of tonics; and I
+flatter myself that I am a very docile patient, and take my bitter
+beer regularly, and without complaining." In proof of which Mr.
+Charles Larkyns took a long pull at the pewter.</p>
+<p>"But you know, Larkyns," observed Mr. Smalls, "that was nothing
+to my case, when I got laid up with elephantiasis on the biceps of
+the lungs, and had a fur coat in my stomach!"</p>
+<p>"Dear me!" said Verdant sympathizingly; "and was that also
+through too much study?"</p>
+<p>"Why, of course!" replied Mr. Smalls; "it couldn't have been
+anything else - from the symptoms, you know! But then the sweets of
+learning surpass the bitters. Talk of the pleasures of the dead
+languages, indeed! why, how many jolly nights have you and I,
+Larkyns, passed 'down among the dead men!' "</p>
+<p>Charles Larkyns had just been looking over the letter which
+Verdant had brought him, and said, "The governor writes that you'd
+like me to put you up to the ways of the place, because they are
+fresh to you, and you are fresh (ahem! very!) to them. Now, I am
+going to wine with Smalls to-night, to meet a few nice, quiet,
+hard-working men (eh, Smalls?), and I daresay Smalls will do the
+civil, and ask you also."</p>
+<p>"Certainly!" said Mr. Smalls, who saw a prospect of amusement,
+"delighted, I assure you! I hope to see you - after
+Hall, you know, - but I hope you don't
+object to a very quiet party?"</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG converses with Mr. Charles Larkyns in his College rooms***"
+src="images/VG065.JPG" width="520" height="464" /></p>
+<p>"Oh, dear no!" replied Verdant; "I much prefer a quiet party;
+indeed, I have always been used to quiet parties; and I shall be
+very glad to come."</p>
+<p>"Well, that's settled then," said Charles Larkyns; "and, in the
+mean time, Verdant, let us take a prowl about the old place, and
+I'll put you up to a thing or two, and shew you some of the
+freshman's sights. But you must go and get your cap and gown, old
+fellow, and then by that time I'll be ready for you."</p>
+<p>Whether there are really any sights in Oxford that are more
+especially devoted, or adapted, to its freshmen, we will not
+undertake to affirm; but if there are, they could not have had a
+better expositor than Mr. Charles Larkyns, or a more credible
+visitor than Mr. Verdant Green.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Individual with his enormous cocked hat***" src=
+"images/VG066-1.JPG" width="178" height="318" /></p>
+<p>His credibility was rather strongly put to the test as they
+turned into the High Street, when his companion directed his
+attention to an individual on the opposite side of the street, with
+a voluminous gown, and enormous cocked hat profusely adorned with
+gold lace. "I suppose you know who that is, Verdant? No! Why,
+that's the Bishop of Oxford! Ah, I see, he's a very
+different-looking man to what you had expected; but then these
+university robes so change the appearance. That is his official
+dress, as the Visitor of the Ashmolean!"</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green having "swallowed" this, his friend was
+thereby enabled, not only to use up old "sells," but also to draw
+largely on his invention for new ones. Just then, there came along
+the street, walking in a sort of young procession, - the
+Vice-Chancellor, with his Esquire and Yeoman-bedels. The silver
+maces, carried by these latter gentlemen, made them by far the most
+showy part of the procession, and accordingly Mr. Larkyns seized
+the favourable opportunity to point out the foremost bedel, and
+say, "You see that man with the poker and loose cap? Well, that's
+the Vice-Chancellor."</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Yeoman-bedel carrying his mace***" src=
+"images/VG066-2.JPG" width="138" height="315" /></p>
+<p>"But what does he walk in procession for?" inquired our
+freshman.</p>
+<p>"Ah, poor man!" said Mr. Larkyns, "he's obliged to do it."
+'Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown,' you know; and he can
+never go anywhere, or do anything, without carrying that poker, and
+having the other minor pokers to follow him. They never leave him,
+not even at night. Two of the pokers stand on each side his bed,
+and relieve each other every two hours. So, I need hardly say, that
+he is obliged to be a bachelor."</p>
+<p>"It must be a very wearisome office," remarked our freshman, who
+fully believed all that was told to him.</p>
+<p>"Wearisome, indeed; and that's the reason why they are obliged
+to change the Vice-Chancellors so often. It would kill most people,
+only they are always selected for their strength, - and height," he
+added, as a brilliant idea just struck
+him.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Charles Larkyns showing VG a fire hydrant marker***"
+src="images/VG067-1.JPG" width="300" height="336" /></p>
+<p>They had turned down Magpie Lane, and so by Oriel College, where
+one of the fire-plug notices had caught Mr. Larkyns' eye. "You see
+that," he said; "well, that's one of the plates they put up to
+record the Vice's height. F.P. 7 feet, you see: the initials of his
+name, - Frederick Plumptre!"</p>
+<p>"He scarcely seemed so tall as that," said our hero, "though
+certainly a tall man. But the gown makes a difference, I
+suppose."</p>
+<p>"His height was a very lucky thing for him, however," continued
+Mr. Larkyns; "I dare say when you have heard that it was only those
+who stood high in the University that were elected to rule it, you
+little thought of the true meaning of the term?"</p>
+<p>"I certainly never did," said the freshman, innocently; "but I
+knew that the customs of Oxford must of course be very different
+from those of other places."</p>
+<p>"Yes, you'll soon find that out," replied Mr. Larkyns,
+meaningly. "But here we are at Merton, whose Merton ale is as
+celebrated as Burton ale. You see the man giving in the letters
+to the porter?</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Charles Larkyns pointing out a fictitious 'postmaster' at Merton College***"
+src="images/VG067-2.JPG" width="302" height="232" /></p>
+<p>Well, he's one of their principal men. Each college does its own
+postal department; and at Merton there are fourteen postmasters,
+<font color="#FF0000">[8]</font> for they get no end of letters
+there."</p>
+<p>"Oh, yes!" said our hero, "I remember Mr. Larkyns, - your
+father, the rector, I mean, - telling us that the son of one of his
+old friends had been a postmaster of Merton; but I fancied that he
+had said it had something to do with a scholarship."</p>
+<p>"Ah, you see, it's a long while since the governor was here, and
+his memory fails him," remarked Mr. Charles Larkyns, very
+unfilially. "Let us turn down the Merton fields, and round into St.
+Aldate's. We may perhaps be in time to see the Vice come down to
+Christ Church."</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[8] Exhibitioners of Merton College are called "postmasters."<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>"What does he go there for?" asked Mr. Verdant Green.</p>
+<p>"To wind up the great clock, and put big Tom in order. Tom is
+the bell that you hear at nine each night; the Vice has to see that
+he is in proper condition, and, as you have seen, goes out with his
+pokers for that purpose."</p>
+<p>On their way, Charles Larkyns pointed out, close to Folly
+Bridge, a house profusely decorated with figures and indescribable
+ornaments, which he informed our freshman was Blackfriars' Hall,
+where all the men who had been once plucked
+were obliged to migrate to; and that Folly
+Bridge received its name from its propinquity to the Hall.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Two 'tufts' looking supercilious***" src=
+"images/VG068.JPG" width="326" height="118" /></p>
+<p>They were too late to see the Vice-Chancellor wind up the clock
+of Christ Church; but as they passed by the college, they met two
+gownsmen who recognized Mr. Larkyns by a slight nod. "Those are two
+Christ Church men," he said, "and noblemen. The one with the
+Skye-terrier's coat and eye-glass is the Earl of Whitechapel, the
+Duke of Minories' son. I dare say you know the other man. No! Why,
+he is Lord Thomas Peeper, eldest son of the Lord Godiva who hunts
+our county. I knew him in the field."</p>
+<p>"But why do they wear <i>gold</i> tassels to their caps?"
+inquired the freshman.</p>
+<p>"Ah," said the ingenious Mr. Larkyns, shaking his head; "I had
+rather you'd not have asked me that question, because that's the
+disgraceful part of the business. But these lords, you see, they
+<i>will</i> live at a faster pace than us commoners, who can't
+stand a champagne breakfast above once a term or so. Why, those
+gold tassels are the badges of drunkenness!" <font color=
+"#FF0000">[9]</font></p>
+<p>"Of drunkenness! dear me!"</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[9] As "Tufts" and "Tuft-hunters" have become "household words," it
+is perhaps needless to tell any one that the gold tassel is the
+distinguishing mark of a nobleman.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>"Yes, it's very sad, isn't it?" pursued Mr. Larkyns; "and I
+wonder that Peeper in particular should give way to such things.
+But you see how they brazen it out, and walk about as coolly as
+though nothing had happened. It's just the same sort of
+punishment," continued Mr. Larkyns, whose inventive powers
+increased with the demand that the freshman's gullibility imposed
+upon them, - "it is just the same sort of thing that they do with
+the Greenwich pensioners. When <i>they</i> have been trangressing
+the laws of sobriety, you know, they are made marked men by having
+to wear a yellow coat as a punishment; and our dons borrowed the
+idea, and made yellow tassels the badges of intoxication. But for
+the credit of the University, I'm glad to say that you'll not find
+many men so disgraced."</p>
+<p>They now turned down the New Road, and came to a strongly
+castellated building, which Mr. Larkyns pointed out (and truly) as
+Oxford Castle or the Gaol; and he added (untruly), "if you hear
+Botany-Bay College <font color="#FF0000">[10]</font> spoken of,
+this is the place that's meant. It's a delicate way of referring to
+the temporary sojourn that any undergrad has been forced to make
+there, to say that he belongs to Botany-Bay College."</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[10] A name given to Worcester College, from its being the most
+distant college.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>They now turned back, up Queen Street and High Street, when, as
+they were passing All Saints, Mr. Larkyns pointed out a pale,
+intellectual looking man who passed them, and said, "That man is
+Cram, the patent safety. He's the first coach in Oxford."</p>
+<p>"A coach!" said our freshman, in some wonder.</p>
+<p>"Oh, I forgot you didn't know college-slang. I suppose a royal
+mail is the only gentleman coach that <i>you</i> know of. Why, in
+Oxford, a coach means a private tutor, you must know; and those who
+can't afford a coach, get a cab, - <i>alias</i> a crib, -
+<i>alias</i> a translation. You see, Verdant, you are gradually
+being initiated into Oxford mysteries."</p>
+<p>"I am, indeed," said our hero, to whom a new world was
+opening.</p>
+<p>They had now turned round by the west end of St. Mary's, and
+were passing Brasenose; and Mr. Larkyns drew Verdant's attention to
+the brazen nose that is such a conspicuous object
+over the entrance-gate.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: The 'nose' above Brazenface gate***" src=
+"images/VG069.JPG" width="284" height="84" /></p>
+<p>"That," said he, "was modelled from a cast of the Principal
+feature of the first Head of the college; and so the college was
+named Brazen-nose. <font color="#FF0000">[11]</font> The nose was
+formerly used as a place of punishment for any misbehaving
+Brazennosian, who had to sit upon it for two hours, and was not
+<i>countenanced</i> until he had done so. These punishments were so
+frequent that they gradually wore down the nose to its present
+small dimensions."</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[11] Although we have a great respect for Mr. Larkyns, yet we
+strongly suspect that he is intentionally deceiving his friend. He
+has, however, the benefit of a doubt, as the authorities differ on
+the origin and meaning of the word Brasenose, as may be seen by the
+following notices, to the last two of which the editor of <i>Notes
+and Queries</i> has directed our attention:<br />
+"This curious appellation, which, whatever was the origin of it,
+has been perpetuated by the symbol of a brazen nose here and at
+Stamford, occurs with the modern orthography, but in one undivided
+word, so early as 1278, in an inquisition now printed in <i>The
+Hundred Rolls</i>, though quoted by Wood from the manuscript
+record." -<i>Ingram's Memorials of Oxford</i>.<br />
+"There is a spot in the centre of the city where Alfred is said to
+have lived, and which may be called the native place or river-head
+of three separate societies still existing, University, Oriel, and
+Brasenose. Brasenose claims his palace, Oriel his church, and
+University his school or academy. Of these, Brasenose College is
+still called in its formal style ' the King's Hall,' which is the
+name by which Alfred himself, in his laws, calls his palace; and it
+has its present singular name from a corruption of
+<i>brasinium</i>, or <i>brasin-huse</i>, as having been originally
+located in that part of the royal mansion which was devoted to the
+then important accommodation of a brew house." -<i>From a Review of
+Ingram's Memorials in the British Critic</i>, vol. xxiv, p.
+139.<br />
+"Brasen Nose Hall, as the Oxford antiquary has shewn, may be traced
+as far back as the time of Henry III., about the middle of the
+thirteenth century; and early in the succeeding reign, 6th Edward
+I., 1278, it was known by the name of Brasen Nose Hall, which
+peculiar name was undoubtedly owing, as the same author observes,
+to the circumstance of a nose of brass affixed to the gate. It is
+presumed, however, that this conspicuous appendage of the portal
+was not formed of the mixed metal which the word now denotes, but
+the genuine produce of the mine; as is the nose, or rather face, of
+a lion or leopard still remaining at Stamford, which also gave name
+to the edifice it adorned. And hence, when Henry VIII. debased the
+coin by an alloy of <i>copper</i>, it was a common remark or
+proverb, that 'Testons were gone to Oxford, to study in
+<i>Brasen</i> Nose.' " -<i>Churton's Life of Bishop Smyth</i>, p.
+227.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>"This round building," continued Mr. Larkyns, pointing to the
+Radcliffe, "is the Vice-Chancellor's house. He has to go each night
+up to that balcony on the top, and look round to see if all's safe.
+Those heads," he said, as they passed the Ashmolean, "are supposed
+to be the twelve Caesars; only there happen, I believe, to be
+thirteen of them. I think that they are the busts of the original
+Heads of Houses."</p>
+<p>Mr. Larkyns' inventive powers having been now somewhat
+exhausted, he proposed that they should go back to Brazenface and
+have some lunch. This they did; after which Mr. Verdant Green wrote
+to his mother a long account of his friend's kindness, and the
+trouble he had taken to explain the most interesting sights that
+could be seen by a Freshman.</p>
+<p>"Are you writing to your governor, Verdant?" asked the friend,
+who had made his way to our hero's rooms, and was now perfuming
+them with a little tobacco-smoke.</p>
+<p>"No; I am writing to my mama - mother, I mean!"</p>
+<p>"Oh! to the missis!" was the reply; "that's just the same. Well,
+had you not better take the opportunity to ask them to send you a
+proper certificate that you have been vaccinated, and had the
+measles favourably?"</p>
+<p>"But what is that for?" inquired our Freshman, always anxious to
+learn. "Your father sent up the certificate of my baptism, and I
+thought that was the only one wanted."</p>
+<p>"Oh," said Mr. Charles Larkyns, "they give you no end of trouble
+at these places; and they require the vaccination certificate
+before you go in for your responsions, - the Little-go, you know.
+You need not mention my name in your letter as having told you
+this. It will be quite enough to say that you understand such a
+thing is required."</p>
+<p>Verdant accordingly penned the request; and Charles Larkyns
+smoked on, and thought his friend the very beau-ideal of a
+Freshman. "By the way, Verdant," he said, desirous not to lose any
+opportunity, "you are going to wine with Smalls this evening; and,
+- excuse me mentioning it, - but I suppose you would go properly
+dressed, - white tie, kids, and that sort of thing, eh? Well! ta,
+ta, till then. 'We meet again at Philippi!' "</p>
+<p>Acting upon the hint thus given, our hero, when Hall was over
+made himself uncommonly spruce in a new white tie, and spotless
+kids; and as he was dressing, drew a mental picture of the party to
+which he was going. It was to be composed of quiet, steady men, who
+were such hard readers as to be called "fast men." He should
+therefore hear some delightful and rational conversation on the
+literature of ancient Greece and Rome, the present standard of
+scholarship in the University, speculations on the forthcoming
+prize-poems, comparisons between various expectant class-men, and
+delightful topics of a kindred nature; and
+the evening would be passed in a grave and sedate manner; and after
+a couple of glasses of wine had been leisurely sipped, they should
+have a very enjoyable tea, and would separate for an early rest,
+mutually gratified and improved.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Cartoon in VG's mind's eye of his prospective evening party***"
+src="images/VG071.JPG" width="331" height="241" /></p>
+<p>This was the nature of Mr. Verdant Green's speculations; but
+whether they were realized or no, may be judged by transferring the
+scene a few hours later to Mr. Smalls' room.</p>
+<a name="ch1.8" id="ch1.8"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER VIII.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN'S MORNING REFLECTIONS ARE NOT SO PLEASANT AS
+HIS EVENING DIVERSIONS.</h4>
+<p>MR. SMALLS' room was filled with smoke and noise. Supper had
+been cleared away; the glasses were now sparkling on the board, and
+the wine was ruby bright. The table, moreover, was supplied with
+spirituous liquors and mixtures of all descriptions, together with
+many varieties of "cup," - a cup which not only cheers, but
+occasionally inebriates; and this miscellany of liquids was now
+being drunk on the premises by some score and a half of gentlemen,
+who were sitting round the table, and standing or lounging about in
+various parts of the room. Heading the table, sat the host, loosely
+attired in a neat dressing gown of crimson and blue, in an attitude
+which allowed him to swing his legs easily, if not gracefully, over
+the arm of his chair, and to converse cheerfully with Charles
+Larkyns, who was leaning over the chair-back. Visible to the naked
+eye, on Mr. Smalls' left hand, appeared the white tie and full
+evening dress which decorated the person of Mr. Verdant Green.</p>
+<p>A great consumption of tobacco was going on, not only through
+the medium of cigars, but also of meerschaums, short "dhudheens" of
+envied colour, and the genuine yard of clay; and Verdant, while he
+was scarcely aware of what he was doing, found himself, to his
+great amazement, with a real cigar in his mouth, which he was
+industriously sucking, and with great difficulty keeping alight.
+Our hero felt that the unexpected exigencies of the case demanded
+from him some sacrifice; while he consoled himself by the
+reflection, that, on the homoeopathic principle of "likes cure
+likes," a cigar was the best preventive against any ill effects
+arising from the combination of the thirty gentlemen who were
+generating smoke with all the ardour of lime-kilns or young
+volcanoes, and filling Mr. Smalls' small room with an atmosphere
+that was of the smoke, smoky. Smoke produces thirst; and the cup,
+punch, egg-flip, sherry-cobblers, and other liquids, which had been
+so liberally provided, were being consumed by the members of the
+party as though it had been their drink from childhood; while the
+conversation was of a kind very different to what our hero had
+anticipated, being for the most part vapid and unmeaning, and (must
+it be confessed?) occasionally too highly flavoured with
+improprieties for it to be faithfully recorded in these pages of
+most perfect propriety.</p>
+<p>The literature of ancient Greece and Rome was not even referred
+to; and when Verdant, who, from the unusual combination of the
+smoke and liquids, was beginning to feel extremely amiable and
+talkative, - made a reflective observation (addressed to the
+company generally) which sounded like the words "Nunc vino pellite
+curas, Cras ingens," <font color="#FF0000">[12]</font> - he was
+immediately interrupted by the voice of Mr. Bouncer, crying out,
+"Who's that talking shop about engines? Holloa, Gig-lamps!" - Mr.
+Bouncer, it must be observed, had facetiously adopted the
+<i>sobriquet</i> which had been bestowed on
+Verdant and his spectacles on their first
+appearance outside the Oxford coach, - "Holloa, Gig-lamps, is that
+you ill-treating the dead languages? I'm ashamed of you! a
+venerable party like you ought to be above such things. There!
+don't blush, old feller, but give us a song! It's the punishment
+for talking shop, you know."</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[12] Horace, car. i od. vii<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: The evening party in full swing***" src=
+"images/VG073.JPG" width="519" height="442" /></p>
+<p>There was an immediate hammering of tables and jingling of
+glasses, accompanied with loud cries of "Mr. Green for a song! Mr.
+Green! Mr. Gig-lamps' song!" cries which nearly brought our hero to
+the verge of idiotcy.</p>
+<p>Charles Larkyns saw this, and came to the rescue. "Gentlemen,"
+he said, addressing the company, "I know that my friend Verdant
+<i>can</i> sing, and that, like a good bird, he <i>will</i> sing.
+But while he is mentally looking over his numerous stock of songs,
+and selecting one for our amusement, I beg to fill up our valuable
+time, by asking you to fill up a bumper to the health of our
+esteemed host Smalls (<i>vociferous cheers</i>) - a man whose
+private worth is only to be equalled by the purity of his
+milk-punch and the excellence of his weeds (<i>hear hear</i>).
+Bumpers, gentlemen, and no heel-taps! and though I am sorry to
+interfere with Mr. Fosbrooke's private enjoyments, yet I must beg
+to suggest to him that he has been so much engaged in drowning his
+personal cares in the bowl over which he is so skilfully presiding,
+that my glass has been allowed to sparkle on the board empty and
+useless." And as Charles Larkyns held out his glass towards Mr.
+Fosbrooke and the punch-bowl, he trolled out, in a rich, manly
+voice, old Cowley's anacreontic:</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"Fill up the bowl then, fill it high!</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Fill all the glasses there! For why</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Should every creature drink but I?</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Why, man of morals, tell me why?"</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>By the time that the "man of morals" had ladled out for the
+company, and that Mr. Smalls' health had been drunk and responded
+to amid uproarious applause, Charles Larkyns' friendly diversion in
+our hero's favour had succeeded, and Mr. Verdant Green had regained
+his confidence, and had decided upon one of those vocal efforts
+which, in the bosom of his own family, and to the pianoforte
+accompaniment of his sisters, was accustomed to meet with great
+applause. And when he had hastily tossed off another glass of
+milk-punch (merely to clear his throat), he felt bold enough to
+answer the spirit-rappings which were again demanding "Mr. Green's
+song!" It was given much in the following manner:</p>
+<p><i>Mr. Verdant Green (in low plaintive tones, and fresh alarm at
+hearing the sounds of his own voice</i>). "I dreamt that I dwe-elt
+in mar-arble halls, with" -</p>
+<p><i>Mr. Bouncer (interrupting)</i>. "Spit it out, Gig-lamps! Dis
+child can't hear whether it's Maudlin Hall you're singing about, or
+what."</p>
+<p><i>Omnes</i>. "Order! or-<i>der</i>! Shut up, Bouncer!"</p>
+<p><i>Charles Larkyns (encouragingly)</i>. "Try back, Verdant:
+never mind."</p>
+<p><i>Mr. Verdant Green (tries back, with increased confusion of
+ideas, resulting principally from the milk-punch and tobacco)</i>.
+"I dreamt that I dwe-elt in mar-arble halls, with vassals and serfs
+at my si-hi-hide; and - and - I beg your pardon, gentlemen, I
+really forget - oh, I know! - and I also dre-eamt, which ple-eased
+me most - no, that's not it" -</p>
+<p><i>Mr. Bouncer (who does not particularly care for the words of
+a song, but only appreciates the chorus)</i> - "That'll do, old
+feller! We ain't pertickler,- (<i>rushes with great deliberation
+and noise to the chorus</i>) "That you lo-oved me sti-ill the
+sa-ha-hame - chorus, gentlemen!"</p>
+<p><i>Omnes (in various keys and time)</i>. "That you lo-oved me
+sti-ill the same."</p>
+<p><i>Mr. Bouncer (to Mr. Green, alluding remotely to the
+opera)</i>. "Now my Bohemian gal, can't you come out to-night? Spit
+us out a yard or two more, Gig-lamps."</p>
+<p><i>Mr. Verdant Green (who has again taken the opportunity to
+clear his throat)</i>. "I dreamt that I dwe-elt in mar-arble- no! I
+beg pardon! sang that (<i>desperately</i>) - that sui-uitors
+sou-ught my hand, that knights on their (<i>hic</i>) ben-ended
+kne-e-ee - had (<i>hic</i>) riches too gre-eat to" - (<i>Mr.
+Verdant Green smiles benignantly upon the company</i>) - "Don't
+rec'lect anymo."</p>
+<p><i>Mr. Bouncer (who is not to be defrauded of the chorus)</i>.
+"Chorus, gentlemen! - That you'll lo-ove me sti-ill the
+sa-a-hame!"</p>
+<p><i>Omnes (ad libitum)</i>. "That you'll lo-ove me sti-ill the
+same!"</p>
+<p>Though our hero had ceased to sing, he was still continuing to
+clear his throat by the aid of the milk-punch, and was again
+industriously sucking his cigar, which he had not yet succeeded in
+getting half through, although he had re-lighted it about twenty
+times. All this was observed by the watchful eyes of Mr. Bouncer,
+who, whispering to his neighbour, and bestowing a distributive wink
+on the company generally, rose and made the following remarks:-</p>
+<p>"Mr. Smalls, and gents all: I don't often get on my pins to
+trouble you with a neat and appropriate speech; but on an occasion
+like the present, when we are honoured with the presence of a party
+who has just delighted us with what I may call a flood of harmony
+(<i>hear, hear</i>), - and has pitched it so uncommon strong in the
+vocal line, as to considerably take the shine out of the
+woodpecker-tapping, that we've read of in the pages of history
+(<i>hear, hear: "Go it again, Bouncer!"</i>), - when, gentlemen, I
+see before me this old original Little Wobbler, - need I say that I
+allude to Mr. Verdant Green? - (<i>vociferous cheers</i>)- I feel
+it a sort of, what you call a privilege, d'ye see, to stand on my
+pins, and propose that respected party's jolly good health
+(<i>renewed cheers</i>). Mr. Verdant Green, gentlemen, has but
+lately come among us, and is, in point of fact, what you call a
+freshman; but, gentlemen, we've already seen enough of him to feel
+aware that - that Brazenface has gained an acquisition, which -
+which - (<i>cries of "Tally-ho! Yoicks! Hark forrud!"</i>) Exactly
+so, gentlemen: so, as I see you are all anxious to do honour to our
+freshman, I beg, without further preface, to give you the health of
+Mr. Verdant Green! With all the honours. Chorus, gents!</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"For he's a jolly good fellow!</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>For he's a jolly good fellow!!</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>For he's a jolly good f-e-e-ell-ow!!!</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p align="right">Which nobody can deny!"
+</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>This chorus was taken up and prolonged in the most indefinite
+manner; little Mr. Bouncer fairly revelling in it, and only
+regretting that he had not his post-horn with him to further
+contribute to the harmony of the evening. It seemed to be a great
+art in the singers of the chorus to dwell as long as possible on
+the third repetition of the word "fellow," and in the most defiant
+manner to pounce down on the bold affirmation by which it is
+followed; and then to lyrically proclaim that, not only was it a
+way they had in the Varsity to drive dull care away, but that the
+same practice was also pursued in the army and navy for the
+attainment of a similar end.</p>
+<p>When the chorus had been sung over three or four times, and Mr.
+Verdant Green's name had been proclaimed with equal noise, that
+gentleman rose (with great difficulty), to return thanks. He was
+understood to speak as follows:</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG unsteadily leaning towards the table at evening party***"
+src="images/VG076.JPG" width="333" height="333" /></p>
+<p>"Genelum anladies (<i>cheers</i>), - I meangenelum. (<i>"That's
+about the ticket, old feller!" from Mr. Bouncer.</i>) Customd syam
+plic speakn, I - I - (<i>hear, hear</i>) - feel bliged drinkmyel.
+I'm fresman, genelum, and prowtitle (<i>loud cheers</i>). Myfren
+Misserboucer, fallowme callm myfren! (<i>"In course, Gig-lamps, you
+do me proud, old feller."</i>) Myfren Misserboucer seszime fresman
+- prow title, sureyou (<i>hear, hear</i>). Genelmun, werall
+jolgoodfles, anwe wogohotillmorrin! (<i>"We won't, we won't! not a
+bit of it!"</i>) Gelmul, I'm fresmal, an namesgreel, gelmul
+(<i>cheers</i>). Fanyul dousmewor, herescardinpocklltellm! Misser
+Verdalgreel, Braseface, Oxul fresmal, anprowtitle! (<i>Great
+cheering and rattling of glasses, during which Mr. Verdant Green's
+coat-tails are made the receptacles for empty bottles, lobsters'
+claws, and other miscellaneous articles.</i>) Misserboucer said was
+fresmal. If Misserboucer wantsultme (<i>"No, no!"</i>),
+herescardinpock'lltellm namesverdalgreel, Braseface! Not
+shameofitgelmul! prowtitle! (<i>Great applause.</i>) I doewaltilsul
+Misserboucer! thenwhysee sultme? thaswaw Iwaltknow! (<i>Loud
+cheers, and roars of laughter, in which Mr. Verdant Green suddenly
+joins to the best of his ability</i>.) I'm anoxful fresmal, gelmul,
+'fmyfrel Misserboucer loumecallimso. (<i>Cheers and laughter, in
+which Mr. Verdant Green feebly joins</i>.) Anweerall jolgoodfles,
+anwe wogohotilmorril, an I'm fresmal, gelmul, anfanyul dowsmewor -
+an I - doefeel quiwell!"</p>
+<p>This was the termination of Mr. Verdant Green's speech, for
+after making a few unintelligible sounds, his knees suddenly gave
+way, and with a benevolent smile he disappeared beneath the
+table.</p>
+<hr width="30%" />
+<p>Half an hour afterwards two gentlemen might have been seen,
+bearing with staggering steps across the moonlit quad the
+huddled form of a third gentleman, who was
+clothed in full evening dress, and appeared incapable of taking
+care of himself. The two first gentlemen set down their burden
+under an open doorway, painted over with a large
+<big><b>4</b></big>; and then, by pulling and pushing, assisted it
+to guide its steps up a narrow and intricate staircase, until they
+had gained the third floor, and stood before a door, over which the
+moonlight revealed, in newly-painted white letters, the name of
+"MR. VERDANT GREEN."</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG being carried back to his College rooms after the evening party***"
+src="images/VG077.JPG" width="244" height="212" /></p>
+<p>"Well, old feller," said the first gentleman, "how do you feel
+now, after 'Sich a getting up stairs'?"</p>
+<p>"Feel much berrer now," said their late burden; "feel
+quite-comfurble! Shallgotobed!"</p>
+<p>"Well, Gig-lamps," said the first speaker, "and By-by won't be
+at all a bad move for you. D'ye think you can unrig yourself and
+get between the sheets, eh, my beauty?"</p>
+<p>"Its allri, allri!" was the reply; "limycandle!"</p>
+<p>"No, no," said the second gentleman, as he pulled up the
+window-blind, and let in the moonlight; "here's quite as much light
+as you want. It's almost morning."</p>
+<p>"Sotis," said the gentleman in the evening costume:
+"anlittlebirds beginsingsoon! Ilike littlebirds sing!
+jollittlebirds!" The speaker had suddenly fallen upon his bed, and
+was lying thereon at full length, with his feet on the pillow.</p>
+<p>"He'll be best left in this way," said the second speaker, as he
+removed the pillow to the proper place, and raised the prostrate
+gentleman's head; "I'll take off his choker and make him easy about
+the neck, and then we'll shut him up, and leave him. Why the
+beggar's asleep already!" And so the two gentlemen went away, and
+left him safe and sleeping.</p>
+<p>It is conjectured, however, that he must have got up shortly
+after this, and finding himself with his clothes on, must have
+considered that a lighted candle was indispensably necessary to
+undress by; for when Mrs. Tester came at her usual early hour to
+light the fires and prepare the sitting-rooms, she discovered him
+lying on the carpet embracing the coal-skuttle,
+with a candle by his side. The good woman
+raised him, and did not leave him until she had, in the most
+motherly manner, safely tucked him up in bed.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mrs. Tester finds VG on the floor in the morning***"
+src="images/VG078.JPG" width="306" height="319" /></p>
+<hr width="15%" />
+<p>Clink, clank! clink, clank! tingle, tangle! tingle, tangle! Are
+demons smiting ringing hammers into Mr. Verdant Green's brain, or
+is the dreadful bell summoning him to rise for morning chapel?</p>
+<p>Mr. Filcher puts an end to the doubt by putting his head in at
+the bedroom door, and saying, "Time for chapel, sir! Chapel,"
+thought Mr. Filcher; "here is a chap ill, indeed! - Bain't you
+well, sir? Restless you look!"</p>
+<p>Oh, the shame and agony that Mr. Verdant Green felt! The desire
+to bury his head under the clothes, away from Robert's and everyone
+else's sight; the fever that throbbed his brain and parched his
+lips, and made him long to drink up Ocean; the eyes that felt like
+burning lead; the powerless hands that trembled like a weak old
+man's; the voice that came in faltering tones that jarred the brain
+at every word! How he despised himself; how he loathed the very
+idea of wine; how he resolved never, never to transgress so again!
+But perhaps Mr. Verdant Green was not the only Oxford freshman who
+has made this resolution.</p>
+<p>"Bain't you well, sir?" repeated Mr. Filcher, with a passing
+thought that freshmen were sadly degenerating, and could not manage
+their three bottles as they did when he was first a scout: "bain't
+you well, sir?"</p>
+<p>"Not very well, Robert, thank you. I - my head aches, and I'm
+afraid I shall not be able to get up for chapel. Will the Master be
+very angry?"</p>
+<p>"Well, he <i>might</i> be, you see, sir," replied Mr. Filcher,
+who never lost an opportunity of making anything out of his
+master's infirmities; "but if you'll leave it to me, sir, I'll make
+it all right for you, <i>I</i> will. Of course you'd like to take
+out an <i>aeger</i>, sir; and I can bring you your Commons just the
+same. Will that do, sir?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, thank you; yes, any thing. You will find five shillings in
+my waistcoat-pocket, Robert; please to take it; but I can't
+eat."</p>
+<p>"Thank'ee, sir," said the scout, as he abstracted the five
+shillings; "but you'd better have a bit of somethin', sir; - a cup
+of strong tea, or somethin'. Mr. Smalls, sir, when he were
+pleasant, he always had beer, sir; but p'raps you ain't been used
+to bein' pleasant, sir, and slops might suit you better, sir."</p>
+<p>"Oh, any thing, any thing!" groaned our poor, unheroic hero, as
+he turned his face to the wall, and endeavoured to recollect in
+what way he had been "pleasant" the night before. But, alas! the
+wells of his memory had, for the time, been poisoned, and nothing
+clear or pure could be drawn therefrom. So he got up and looked at
+himself in the glass, and scarcely recognized the tangled-haired,
+sallow-faced wretch, whose bloodshot eyes gazed heavily at him from
+the mirror. So he nervously drained the water-bottle, and buried
+himself once more among the tossed and tumbled bed-clothes.</p>
+<p>The tea really did him some good, and enabled him to recover
+sufficient nerve to go feebly through the operation of dressing;
+though it was lucky that nature had not yet brought Mr. Verdant
+Green to the necessity of shaving, for the handling of a razor
+might have been attended with suicidal results, and have brought
+these veracious memoirs and their hero to an untimely end.</p>
+<p>He had just sat down to a second edition of tea, and was reading
+a letter that the post had brought him from his sister Mary, in
+which she said, "I dare say by this time you have found Mr. Charles
+Larkyns a very <i>delightful</i> companion, and I <i>am sure</i> a
+very <i>valuable</i> one; as, from what the rector says, he appears
+to be so <i>steady</i>, and has such <i>nice quiet</i> companions:"
+- our hero had read as far as this, when a great noise just without
+his door, caused the letter to drop from his trembling hands; and,
+between loud <i>fanfares</i> from a post-horn, and heavy thumps
+upon the oak, a voice was heard, demanding "Entrance in the
+Proctor's name."</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green had for the first time "sported his oak."
+Under any circumstances it would have been a mere form, since his
+bashful politeness would have induced him to open it to any comer;
+but, at the dreaded name of the Proctor, he sprang from his chair,
+and while impositions, rustications, and expulsions rushed
+tumultuously through his disordered brain, he nervously undid the
+springlock, and admitted - not the Proctor, but the "steady" Mr.
+Charles Larkyns and his "nice quiet companion," little Mr. Bouncer,
+who testified his joy at the success of their <i>coup d'etat</i>,
+by blowing on his horn loud blasts that might have been borne by
+Fontarabian echoes, and which rang through poor Verdant's head with
+indescribable jarrings.</p>
+<p>"Well, Verdant," said Charles Larkyns, "how do you find yourself
+this morning? You look rather shaky."</p>
+<p>"He ain't a very lively picter, is he?" remarked little Mr.
+Bouncer, with the air of a connoisseur; "peakyish you feel, don't
+you, now, with a touch of the mulligrubs in your collywobbles? Ah,
+I know what it is, my boy."</p>
+<p>It was more than our hero did; and he could only reply that he
+did not feel very well. "I - I had a glass of claret after some
+lobster-salad, and I think it disagreed with me."</p>
+<p>"Not a doubt of it, Verdant," said Charles Larkyns very gravely;
+"it would have precisely the same effect that the salmon always has
+at a public dinner, - bring on great hilarity, succeeded by a
+pleasing delirium, and concluding in a horizontal position, and a
+demand for soda-water."</p>
+<p>"I hope," said our hero, rather faintly, "that I did not conduct
+myself in an unbecoming manner last night; for I am sorry to say
+that I do not remember all that occurred."</p>
+<p>"I should think not, Gig-lamps, You were as drunk as a besom,"
+said little Mr. Bouncer, with a side wink to Mr. Larkyns, to
+prepare that gentleman for what was to follow. "Why, you got on
+pretty well till old Slowcoach came in, and then you certainly did
+go it, and no mistake!"</p>
+<p>"Mr. Slowcoach!" groaned the freshman. "Good gracious! is it
+possible that <i>he</i> saw me? I don't remember it."</p>
+<p>"And it would be lucky for you if <i>he</i> didn't," replied Mr,
+Bouncer. "Why his rooms, you know, are in the same angle of the
+quad as Smalls'; so, when you came to shy the empty bottles out of
+Smalls' window at <i>his</i> window -"</p>
+<p>"Shy empty bottles! Oh!" gasped the freshman.</p>
+<p>"Why, of course, you see, he couldn't stand that sort of game -
+it wasn't to be expected; so he puts his head out of the bedroom
+window - and then, don't you remember crying out, as you pointed to
+the tassel of his night-cap sticking up straight on end, 'Tally-ho!
+Unearth'd at last! Look at his brush!' Don't you remember that,
+Gig-lamps?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, oh, no!" groaned Mr. Bouncer's victim: "I can't remember, -
+oh, what <i>could</i> have induced me!"</p>
+<p>"By Jove, you <i>must</i> have been screwed! Then I daresay you
+don't remember wanting to have a polka with him, when he came up to
+Smalls' rooms?"</p>
+<p>"A polka! Oh dear! Oh no! Oh!"</p>
+<p>"Or asking him if his mother knew he was out, - and what he'd
+take for his cap without the tassel; and telling him that he was
+the joy of your heart, - and that you should never be happy unless
+he'd smile as he was wont to smile, and would love you then as now,
+- and saying all sorts of bosh? What, not remember it! 'Oh, what a
+noble mind is here o'erthrown!' as some cove says in Shakespeare.
+But how screwed you <i>must</i> have been, Gig-lamps!"</p>
+<p>"And do you think," inquired our hero, after a short but
+sufficiently painful reflection, - "do you think that Mr. Slowcoach
+will - oh! - expel me?"</p>
+<p>"Why, it's rather a shave for it," replied his tormentor; "but
+the best thing you can do is to write an apology at once: pitch it
+pretty strong in the pathetic line, - say it's your first offence,
+and that you'll never be a naughty boy again, and all that sort of
+thing. You just do that, Gig-lamps, and I'll see that the note goes
+to - the proper place."</p>
+<p>"Oh, thank you!" said the freshman; and while, with equal
+difficulty from agitation both of mind and body, he composed and
+penned the note, Mr. Bouncer ordered up some buttery
+beer, and Charles Larkyns prepared some
+soda-water with a dash of brandy, which he gave Verdant to drink,
+and which considerably refreshed that gentleman.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG duped and writing his note to Mr. Slowcoach, Mr. Charles Larkyns discreetly amused***"
+src="images/VG081.JPG" width="341" height="212" /></p>
+<p>"And I should advise you," he said, "to go out for a
+constitutional; for walking-time's come, although you have but just
+done your breakfast. A blow up Headington Hill will do you good,
+and set you on your legs again."</p>
+<p>So Verdant, after delivering up his note to Mr. Bouncer, took
+his friend's advice, and set out for his constitutional in his cap
+and gown, feeling afraid to move without them, lest he should
+thereby trespass some law. This, of course, gained him some
+attention after he had crossed Magdalen Bridge; and he might have
+almost been taken for the original of that impossible gownsman who
+appears in Turner's well-known "View of Oxford, from Ferry
+Hincksey," as wandering-</p>
+<center>"Remote, unfriended, solitary, <i>slow</i>," -</center>
+<p>in a corn-field, in the company of an umbrella!</p>
+<p>Among the many pedestrians and equestrians that he encountered,
+our freshman espied a short and very stout gentleman, whose
+shovel-hat, short apron, and general decanical costume, proclaimed
+him to be a don of some importance.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Stout gentleman don on his pad-nag***" src=
+"images/VG082.JPG" width="503" height="302" /></p>
+<p>He was riding a pad-nag, who ambled placidly along, without so
+much as hinting at an outbreak into a canter; a performance that,
+as it seemed, might have been attended with disastrous consequences
+to his rider. Our hero noticed, that the trio of undergraduates who
+were walking before him, while they passed others, who were
+evidently dons, without the slightest notice (being in mufti), yet
+not only raised their hats to the stout gentleman, but also
+separated for that purpose, and performed the salute at intervals
+of about ten yards. And he further remarked, that while the stout
+gentleman appeared to be exceedingly gratified at the notice he
+received, yet that he had also very great difficulty in returning
+the rapid salutations; and only accomplished them and retained his
+seat by catching at the pommel of his saddle, or the mane of his
+steed, - a proceeding which the pad-nag seemed perfectly used
+to.</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green returned home from his walk, feeling all the
+better for the fresh air and change of scene; but he still looked,
+as his neighbour, Mr. Bouncer, kindly informed him, "uncommon
+seedy, and doosid fishy about the eyes;" and it was some days even
+before he had quite recovered from the novel excitement of Mr.
+Smalls' "quiet party."</p>
+<a name="ch1.9" id="ch1.9"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER IX.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN ATTENDS LECTURES AND, IN DESPITE OF SERMONS,
+HAS DEALINGS WITH FILTHY LUCRE.</h4>
+<p>OUR freshman, like all other freshmen, now began to think
+seriously of work, and plunged desperately into all the lectures
+that it was possible for him to attend, beginning every course with
+a zealousness that shewed him to be filled with the idea that such
+a plan was eminently necessary for the attainment of his degree; in
+all this in every respect deserving the Humane Society's medal for
+his brave plunge into the depths of the Pierian spring, to fish up
+the beauties that had been immersed therein by the poets of old.
+When we say that our freshman, like other freshmen, "began" this
+course, we use the verb advisedly; for, like many other freshmen
+who start with a burst in learning's race, he soon got winded, and
+fell back among the ruck. But the course of lectures, like the
+course of true love, will not always run smooth, even to those who
+undertake it with the same courage as Mr. Verdant Green.</p>
+<p>The dryness of the daily routine of lectures, which varied about
+as much as the steak-and-chop, chop-and-steak dinners of ancient
+taverns, was occasionally relieved by episodes, which, though not
+witty in themselves, were yet the cause of wit in others; for it
+takes but little to cause amusement in a lecture-room, where a bad
+construe; or the imaginative excuses of late-comers; or the
+confusion of some young gentleman who has to turn over the leaf of
+his Greek play and finds it uncut; or the pounding of the same
+gentleman in the middle of the first chorus; or his offensive
+extrication therefrom through the medium of some Cumberland
+barbarian; or the officiousness of the same barbarian to pursue the
+lecture when every one else has, with singular unanimity, "read no
+further;" - all these circumstances, although perhaps dull enough
+in themselves, are nevertheless productive of some mirth in a
+lecture-room.</p>
+<p>But if there were often late-comers to the lectures, there were
+occasionally early-goers from them. Had Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke
+an engagement to ride his horse <i>Tearaway</i> in the amateur
+steeple-chase, and was he constrained, by circumstances over which
+(as he protested) he had no control, to put in a regular appearance
+at Mr. Slowcoach's lectures, what was it necessary for him to do
+more than to come to lecture in a long greatcoat, put his
+handkerchief to his face as though his nose were bleeding, look
+appealingly at Mr. Slowcoach, and, as he made his exit, pull aside
+the long greatcoat, and display to his admiring colleagues the
+snowy cords and tops that would soon be pressing against
+<i>Tearaway's</i> sides, that gallant animal being then in waiting,
+with its trusty groom, in the alley at the back of Brazenface?</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: undergraduates enduring tutorial/lecture with a don***"
+src="images/VG084.JPG" width="516" height="401" /></p>
+<p>And if little Mr. Bouncer, for astute
+reasons of his own, wished Mr. Slowcoach to believe that he (Mr.
+B.) was particularly struck with his (Mr. S.'s) remarks on the
+force of <font color="#000080">{kata}</font> in composition, what
+was to prevent Mr. Bouncer from feigning to make a note of these
+remarks by the aid of a cigar instead of an ordinary pencil?</p>
+<p>But besides the regular lectures of Mr. Slowcoach, our hero had
+also the privilege of attending those of the Rev. Richard Harmony.
+Much learning, though it had not made Mr. Harmony mad, had, at
+least in conjunction with his natural tendencies, contributed to
+make him extremely eccentric; while to much perusal of Greek and
+Hebrew MSS., he probably owed his defective vision. These
+infirmities, instead of being regarded with sympathy, as wounds
+received by Mr. Harmony in the classical engagements in the various
+fields of literature, were, to Mr. Verdant Green's surprise, much
+imposed upon; for it was a favourite pastime with the gentlemen who
+attended Mr. Harmony's lectures, to gradually raise up the
+lecture-table by a concerted action, and when Mr. Harmony's book
+had nearly reached to the level of his nose, to then suddenly drop
+the table to its original level; upon which Mr. Harmony, to the
+immense gratification of all concerned, would rub his eyes, wipe
+his glasses, and murmur, "Dear me! dear me! how my head swims this
+morning!" And then he would perhaps ring
+for his servant, and order his usual remedy, an orange, at which he
+would suck abstractedly, nor discover any difference in the flavour
+even when a lemon was surreptitiously substituted.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Harmony's table taking a rise from the undergraduates***"
+src="images/VG085.JPG" width="520" height="405" /></p>
+<p>And thus he would go on through the lecture, sucking his orange
+(or lemon), explaining and expounding in the most skilful and lucid
+manner, and yet, as far as the "table-movement" was concerned, as
+unsuspecting and as witless as a little child.</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green not only (at first) attended lectures with
+exemplary diligence and regularity, but he also duly went to
+morning and evening chapel; nor, when Sundays came, did he neglect
+to turn his feet towards St. Mary's to hear the University sermons.
+Their effect was as striking to him as it probably is to most
+persons who have only been accustomed to the usual services of
+country churches. First, there was the peculiar character of the
+congregation: down below, the vice-chancellor in his throne,
+overlooking the other dons in their stalls (being "a complete
+realization of stalled Oxon!" as Charles Larkyns whispered to our
+hero), who were relieved in colour by their crimson or scarlet
+hoods; and then, "upstairs," in the north and the great west
+galleries, the black mass of
+undergraduates; while a few ladies' bonnets and heads of male
+visitors peeped from the pews in the aisles, or looked out from the
+curtains of the organ-gallery, where, "by the kind permission of
+Dr. Elvey," they were accommodated with seats, and watched with
+wonder, while<br />
+<br /></p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"The wild wizard's fingers,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>With magical skill,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Made music that lingers</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>In memory still."</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<br />
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: College chapel - the 'complete realisation of stalled Oxon'***"
+src="images/VG086.JPG" width="451" height="590" /></p>
+<p>Then there was the bidding-prayer, in which Mr. Verdant Green
+was somewhat astonished to hear the long list of founders and
+benefactors, "such as were, Philip Pluckton, Bishop of Iffley; King
+Edward the Seventh; Stephen de Henley, Earl of Bagley, and Maud his
+wife; Nuneham Courtney, knight," with a long et-cetera; though, as
+the preacher happened to be a Brazenface man, our hero found that
+he was "most chiefly bound to praise Clement Abingdon, Bishop of
+Jericho, and founder of the college of Brazenface; Richard Glover,
+Duke of Woodstock; Giles Peckwater, Abbot of Beney; and Binsey
+Green, Doctor of Music; - benefactors of the same."</p>
+<p>Then there was the sermon itself; the abstrusely learned and
+classical character of which, at first, also astonished him, after
+having been so long used to the plain and highly practical advice
+which the rector, Mr. Larkyns, knew how to convey so well and so
+simply to his rustic hearers. But as soon as he had reflected on
+the very different characters of the two congregations, Mr. Verdant
+Green at once recognized the appropriateness of each class of
+sermons to its peculiar hearers; yet he could not altogether drive
+away the thought, how the generality of those who had on previous
+Sundays been his fellow-worshippers would open their blue Saxon
+eyes, and ransack their rustic brains, as to "what <i>could</i> ha'
+come to rector," if he were to indulge in Greek and Latin
+quotations, - <i>somewhat</i> after the following style. "And
+though this interpretation may in these days be disputed, yet we
+shall find that it was once very generally received. For the
+learned St. Chrysostom is very clear on this point, where he says,
+'Arma virumque cano, rusticus expectat, sub tegmine fagi'; of which
+the words of Irenaeus are a confirmation - <font color=
+"#000080">{otototoio, papaperax, poluphloisboio
+thalassaes}</font>." Our hero, indeed, could not but help wondering
+what the fairer portion of the congregation made of these parts of
+the sermons, to whom, probably, the sentences just quoted would
+have sounded as full of meaning as those they really heard.</p>
+<hr width="30%" />
+<p>"Hallo, Gig-lamps!" said the cheery voice of little Mr. Bouncer,
+as he looked one morning into Verdant's rooms, followed by his two
+bull-terriers; "why don't you sport something in the dog line?
+Something in the bloodhound or tarrier way. Ain't you fond o'
+dogs?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, very!" replied our hero. "I once had a very nice one, - a
+King Charles."</p>
+<p>"Oh!" observed Mr. Bouncer, "one of them beggars that you have
+to feed with spring chickens, and get up with curling tongs. Ah!
+they're all very well in their way, and do for women and
+carriage-exercise; but give <i>me</i> this sort of thing!" and Mr.
+Bouncer patted one of his villainous looking pets, who wagged his
+corkscrew tail in reply. "Now, these are beauties, and no mistake!
+What you call useful and ornamental; ain't you, Buzzy? The beggars
+are brothers; so I call them Huz and Buz:- Huz his first-born, you
+know, and Buz his brother."</p>
+<p>"I should like a dog," said Verdant; "but where could I keep
+one?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, anywhere!" replied Mr. Bouncer confidently. "I keep these
+beggars in the little shop for coal, just outside the door. It
+ain't the law, I know; but what's the odds as long as they're
+happy? <i>They</i> think it no end of a lark. I once had a
+Newfunland, and tried <i>him</i> there; but the obstinate brute
+considered it too small for him, and barked himself in such an
+unnatural manner, that at last he'd got no wool on the top of his
+head, - just the place where the wool ought to grow, you know; so I
+swopped the beggar to a Skimmery <font color="#FF0000">[13]</font>
+man for a regular slap-up set of pets of the ballet, framed and
+glazed, petticoats and all, mind you. But about your dog,
+Gig-lamps: -that cupboard there would be just the ticket; you could
+put him under the wine-bottles, and then there'd be wine above and
+whine below. <i>Videsne puer</i>? D'ye twig, young 'un? But if
+you're squeamish about that, there are heaps of places in the town
+where you could keep a beast."</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[13] Oxford slang for "St. Mary's Hall."<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>So, when our hero had been persuaded that the possession of an
+animal of the terrier species was absolutely necessary to a
+University man's existence, he had not to look about long without
+having the void filled up. Money will in most places procure any
+thing, from a grant of arms to a pair of wooden legs; so it is not
+surprising if, in Oxford, such an every-day commodity as a dog can
+be obtained through the medium of "filthy lucre;" for there was a
+well-known dog-fancier and proprietor, whose surname was that of
+the rich substantive just mentioned, to which had been prefixed the
+"filthy" adjective, probably for the sake of euphony. As usual,
+Filthy Lucre was clumping with his lame leg up and down the
+pavement just in front of the Brazenface gate, accompanied by his
+last "new and extensive assortment" of terriers of every variety,
+which he now pulled up for the inspection of Mr. Verdant Green.</p>
+<p>"Is it a long-aird dawg, or a smooth 'un, as you'd most fancy?"
+inquired Mr. Lucre. "Har, sir!" he continued, in a flattering tone,
+as he saw our hero's eye dwelling on a Skye terrier; "I see you're
+a gent as <i>does</i> know a good style of dawg, when you see 'un!
+It ain't often as you see a Skye sich as that, sir! Look at his
+colour, sir, and the way he looks out of his 'air! He answers to
+the name of <i>Mop</i>, sir, in consekvence of the length of his
+'air; and he's cheap as dirt, sir, at four-ten! It's a throwin' of
+him away at the price; and I shouldn't do it, but I've got more
+dawgs than I've room for; so I'm obligated to make a sacrifice.
+Four-ten, sir! 'Ad the distemper, and everythink, and a reg'lar
+good 'un for the varmin."</p>
+<p>His merits also being testified to by Mr. Larkyns and Mr.
+Bouncer (who was considered a high authority in canine
+matters), and Verdant also liking the
+quaint appearance of the dog, <i>Mop</i> eventually became his
+property, for "four-ten" <i>minus</i> five shillings, but
+<i>plus</i> a pint of buttery beer, which Mr. Lucre always
+pronounced to be customary "in all dealins whatsumever atween
+gentlemen." Verdant was highly gratified at possessing a real
+University dog, and he patted <i>Mop</i>, and said, "Poo dog! poo
+Mop! poo fellow then!" and thought what a pet his sisters would
+make of him when he took him back home with him for the holi - the
+Vacation!</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: 'Filthy Lucre' and his dogs with undergraduates***" src=
+"images/VG089.JPG" width="438" height="468" /></p>
+<p><i>Mop</i> was for following Mr. Lucre, who had clumped away up
+the street; and his new master had some difficulty in keeping him
+at his heels. By Mr. Bouncer's advice, he at once took him over the
+river to the field opposite the Christ Church meadows, in order to
+test his rat-killing powers. How this could be done out in the open
+country, our hero was at a loss to know; but he discreetly held his
+tongue, for he was gradually becoming aware that a freshman in
+Oxford must live to learn, and that, as with most men,
+<i>experientia docet</i>.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Rat-baiting near Christ Church meadows***" src=
+"images/VG090.JPG" width="501" height="442" /></p>
+<p>They had just been punted over the river, and <i>Mop</i> had
+been restored to <i>terra firma</i>, when Mr. Bouncer's remark of
+"There's the cove that'll do the trick for you!" directed Verdant's
+attention to an individual, who, from his
+general appearance, might have been first cousin to "Filthy Lucre,"
+only that his live stock was of a different description. Slung from
+his shoulders was a large but shallow wire cage, in which were
+about a dozen doomed rats, whose futile endeavours to make their
+escape by running up the sides of their prison were regarded with
+the most intense earnestness by a group of terriers, who gave way
+to various phases of excitement. In his hand he carried a small
+circular cage, containing two or three rats for immediate use. On
+the receipt of sixpence, one of these was liberated; and a few
+yards start being (sportsmanlike) allowed, the speculator's terrier
+was then let loose, joined gratuitously, after a short interval, by
+a perfect pack in full cry, with a human chorus of "Hoo rat! Too
+loo! loo dog!" The rat turned, twisted, doubled, became confused,
+was overtaken, and, with one grip and a shake, was dead; while the
+excited pack returned to watch and jump at the wire cages until
+another doomed prisoner was tossed forth to them. Gentlemen on
+their way for a walk were thus enabled to wile away a few minutes
+at the noble sport, and indulge themselves and their dogs with a
+little healthy excitement; while the boating costume of other
+gentlemen shewed that they had for a while left aquatic pursuits,
+and had strolled up from the river to indulge in "the sports of the
+fancy."</p>
+<p>Although his new master invested several sixpences on
+<i>Mop's</i> behalf, yet that ungrateful animal, being of a passive
+temperament of mind as regarded rats, and a slow movement of body,
+in consequence of his long hair impeding his progress, rather
+disgraced himself by allowing the sport to be taken from his very
+teeth. But he still further disgraced himself, when he had been
+taken back to Brazenface, by howling all through the night in the
+cupboard where he had been placed, thereby setting on Mr. Bouncer's
+two bull-terriers, Huz and Buz, to echo the sounds with redoubled
+fury from their coal-hole quarters; thus causing loss of sleep and
+a great outlay of Saxon expletives to all the dwellers on the
+staircase. It was in vain that our hero got out of bed and opened
+the cupboard-door, and said, "Poo Mop! good dog, then!" it was in
+vain that Mr. Bouncer shied boots at the coal-hole, and threatened
+Huz and Buz with loss of life; it was in vain that the tenant of
+the attic, Mr. Sloe, who was a reading-man, and sat up half the
+night, working for his degree, - it was in vain that he opened his
+door, and mildly declared (over the banisters), that it was
+impossible to get up Aristotle while such a noise was being made;
+it was in vain that Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, whose rooms were on
+the other side of Verdant's, came and administered to <i>Mop</i>
+severe punishment with a tandem-whip (it was a favourite boast with
+Mr. Fosbrooke, that he could flick a fly from his leader's ear); it
+was in vain to coax <i>Mop</i> with chicken-bones: he would neither
+be bribed nor frightened, and after a deceitful lull of a few
+minutes, just when every one was getting to sleep again, his
+melancholy howl would be raised with renewed vigour, and Huz and
+Buz would join for sympathy.</p>
+<p>"I tell you what, Gig-lamps," said Mr. Bouncer the next morning;
+"this game'll never do. Bark's a very good thing to take in its
+proper way, when you're in want of it, and get it with port wine;
+but when you get it by itself and in too large doses, it ain't
+pleasant, you know. Huz and Buz are quiet enough, as long as
+they're let alone; and I should advise you to keep <i>Mop</i> down
+at Spavin's stables, or somewhere. But first, just let me give the
+brute the hiding he deserves."</p>
+<p>Poor <i>Mop</i> underwent his punishment like a martyr; and in
+the course of the day an arrangement was made with Mr. Spavin for
+<i>Mop's</i> board and lodging at his stables. But when Verdant
+called there the next day, for the purpose of taking him for a
+walk, there was no <i>Mop</i> to be found; taking advantage of the
+carelessness of one of Mr. Spavin's men, he had bolted through the
+open door, and made his escape. Mr. Bouncer, at a subsequent
+period, declared that he met <i>Mop</i> in the company of a
+well-known Regent-street fancier; but, however that may be,
+<i>Mop</i> was lost to Mr. Verdant Green.</p>
+<a name="ch1.10" id="ch1.10"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER X.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN REFORMS HIS TAILORS' BILLS AND RUNS UP
+OTHERS. HE ALSO APPEARS IN A RAPID ACT OF HORSEMANSHIP, AND FINDS
+ISIS COOL IN SUMMER.</h4>
+<p>THE state of Mr. Verdant Green's outward man had long offended
+Mr. Charles Larkyns' more civilized taste; and he one day took
+occasion delicately to hint to his friend, that it would conduce
+more to his appearance as an Oxford undergraduate, if he forswore
+the primitive garments that his country-tailor had condemned him to
+wear, and adapted the "build" of his dress to the peculiar
+requirements of university fashion.</p>
+<p>Acting upon this friendly hint, our freshman at once betook
+himself to the shop where he had bought his cap and gown, and found
+its proprietor making use of the invisible soap and washing his
+hands in the imperceptible water, as though he had not left that
+act of imaginary cleanliness since Verdant and his father had last
+seen him.</p>
+<p>"Oh, certainly, sir; an abundant variety," was his reply to
+Verdant's question, if he could show him any patterns that were
+fashionable in Oxford. "The greatest stock hout of London, I should
+say, sir, decidedly. This is a nice unpretending gentlemanly thing,
+sir, that we make up a good deal!" and he spread a shaggy substance
+before the freshman's eyes.</p>
+<p>"What do you make it up for?" inquired our hero, who thought it
+more nearly resembled the hide of his lamented <i>Mop</i> than any
+other substance.</p>
+<p>"Oh, morning garments, sir! Reading and walking-coats, for
+erudition and the promenade, sir! Looks well with vest of the same
+material, sprinkled down with coral currant buttons! We've some
+sweet things in vests, sir; and some neat, quiet trouserings, that
+I'm sure would give satisfaction." And the tailor and robe-maker,
+between washings with the invisible soap, so visibly "soaped" our
+hero in what is understood to be the shop-sense of the word, and so
+surrounded him with a perfect irradiation of aggressive patterns of
+oriental gorgeousness, that Mr. Verdant Green
+became bewildered, and finally made choice
+of one of the unpretending gentlemanly <i>Mop</i>-like coats, and
+"vest and trouserings," of a neat, quiet, plaid-pattern, in red and
+green, which, he was informed, were all the rage.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG in multicoloured garb at the outfitter's***" src=
+"images/VG093.JPG" width="285" height="497" /></p>
+<p>When these had been sent home to him, together with a neck-tie
+of Oxford-blue from Randall's, and an immaculate guinea
+Lincoln-and-Bennett, our hero was delighted with the general effect
+of the costume; and after calling in at the tailor's to express his
+approbation, he at once sallied forth to "do the High," and display
+his new purchases. A drawn silk bonnet of pale lavender, from which
+floated some bewitching ringlets, quickly attracted our hero's
+attention; and the sight of an arch, French-looking face, which (to
+his short-sighted imagination) smiled upon him as the young lady
+rustled by, immediately plunged him into the depths of first-love.
+Without the slightest encouragement being given him, he stalked
+this little deer to her lair, and, after some difficulty,
+discovered the enchantress to be Mademoiselle Mouslin de Laine, one
+of the presiding goddesses of a fancy hosiery warehouse. There, for
+the next fortnight, - until which immense period his ardent passion
+had not subsided, - our hero was daily to be seen purchasing
+articles for which he had no earthly use, but fully recompensed for
+his outlay by the artless (ill-natured people said, artful) smiles,
+and engaging, piquant conversation of mademoiselle. Our hero, when
+reminded of this at a subsequent period, protested that he had thus
+acted merely to improve his French, and only conversed with
+mademoiselle for educational purposes. But we have our doubts.
+<i>Credat Judaeus!</i></p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mademoiselle Mouslin de Laine on The High***" src=
+"images/VG094.JPG" width="337" height="404" /></p>
+<p>About this time also our hero laid the nest-eggs for a very
+promising brood of bills, by acquiring an expensive habit of
+strolling in to shops, and purchasing "an extensive assortment of
+articles of every description," for no
+other consideration than that he should not be called upon to pay
+for them until he had taken his degree. He also decorated the walls
+of his rooms with choice specimens of engravings: for the turning
+over of portfolios at Ryman's, and Wyatt's, usually leads to the
+eventual turning over of a considerable amount of cash; and our
+hero had not yet become acquainted with the cheaper
+circulating-system of pictures, which gives you a fresh set every
+term, and passes on your old ones to some other subscriber. But, in
+the meantime, it is very delightful, when you admire any thing, to
+be able to say, "Send that to my room!" and to be obsequiously
+obeyed, "no questions asked," and no payment demanded; and as for
+the future, why - as Mr. Larkyns observed, as they strolled down
+the High - "I suppose the bills <i>will</i> come in some day or
+other, but the governor will see to them; and though he may grumble
+and pull a long face, yet he'll only be too glad you've got your
+degree, and, in the fulness of his heart, he will open his
+cheque-book. I daresay old Horace gives very good advice when he
+says, 'carpe diem'; but when he adds, 'quam minimum credula
+postero,' <font color="#FF0000">[14]</font> about 'not giving the
+least credit to the succeeding day,' it is clear that he never
+looked forward to the Oxford tradesmen and the credit-system. Do
+you ever read Wordsworth, Verdant?" continued Mr. Larkyns, as they
+stopped at the corner of Oriel Street, to look in at a spacious
+range of shop-windows, that were crowded with a costly and
+glittering profusion of <i>papier mache</i> articles, statuettes,
+bronzes, glass, and every kind of "fancy goods" that could be
+classed as "art-workmanship."</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[14] Car. i. od. xi.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>"Why, I've not read much of Wordsworth myself," replied our
+hero; "but I've heard my sister Mary read a great deal of his
+poetry."</p>
+<p>"Shews her taste," said Charles Larkyns. "Well, this shop - you
+see the name - is Spiers'; and Wordsworth, in his sonnet to Oxford,
+has immortalized him. Don't you remember the lines?-</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>'O ye Spiers of Oxford! your presence overpowers</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>The soberness of reason!' <font color=
+"#FF0000">[15]</font></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[15] We suspect that Mr. Larkyns is again intentionally deceiving
+his freshman friend; for on looking into our Wordsworth (<i>Misc.
+Son</i>. iii. 2) we find that the poet does <i>not</i> refer to the
+establishment of Messrs. Spiers and Son, and that the lines, truly
+quoted, are,</font></p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td><font color="#FF0000">"O ye <i>spires</i> of Oxford! domes and
+towers!</font></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><font color="#FF0000">Gardens and groves! Your presence,"
+&amp;c.</font></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">We blush for Mr. Larkyns!<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Shop at Oriel Street/High Street***" src=
+"images/VG095.JPG" width="536" height="390" /></p>
+<p>It was very queer that Wordsworth should ascribe to Messrs.
+Spiers all the intoxication of the place; but then he was a
+Cambridge man, and prejudiced. Nice shop,
+though, isn't it? Particularly useful, and no less ornamental. It's
+one of the greatest lounges of the place. Let us go in and have a
+look at what Mrs. Caudle calls the articles of bigotry and
+virtue."</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green was soon deeply engaged in an inspection of
+those <i>papier-mache</i> "remembrances of Oxford" for which the
+Messrs. Spiers are so justly famed; but after turning over tables,
+trays, screens, desks, albums, portfolios, and other things, - all
+of which displayed views of Oxford from every variety of aspect,
+and were executed with such truth and perception of the higher
+qualities of art, that they formed in themselves quite a small but
+gratuitous Academy exhibition, - our hero became so confused among
+the bewildering allurements around him, as to feel quite an
+<i>embarras de richesses</i>, and to be in a state of mind in which
+he was nearly giving Mr. Spiers the most extensive (and expensive)
+order which probably that gentleman had ever received from an
+undergraduate. Fortunately for his purse, his attention was
+somewhat distracted by perceiving that Mr. Slowcoach was at his
+elbow, looking over ink-stands and reading-lamps, and also by
+Charles Larkyns calling upon him to decide whether he should have
+the cigar-case he had purchased emblazoned with the heraldic device
+of the Larkyns, or illuminated with the Euripidean motto,-</p>
+<center><font color="#000080">{To bakchikon doraema labe, se gar
+philo.}</font></center>
+<p>When this point had been decided, Mr. Larkyns proposed to
+Verdant that he should astonish and delight his governor by having
+the Green arms emblazoned on a fire-screen, and taking it home with
+him as a gift. "Or else," he said, "order one with the garden-view
+of Brazenface, and then they'll have more satisfaction in looking
+at that than at one of those offensive cockatoos, in an arabesque
+landscape, under a bronze sky, which usually sprawls over every
+thing that is <i>papier mache</i>. But you won't see that sort of
+thing here; so you can't well go wrong, whatever you buy." Finally,
+Mr. Verdant Green (N.B. Mr. Green, senior, would have eventually to
+pay the bill) ordered a fire-screen to be prepared with the
+family-arms, as a present for his father; a ditto, with the view of
+his college, for his mother; a writing-case, with the High Street
+view, for his aunt; a netting-box, card-case, and a model of the
+Martyrs' Memorial, for his three sisters; and having thus
+bountifully remembered his family-circle, he treated himself with a
+modest paper-knife, and was treated in return by Mr. Spiers with a
+perfect <i>bijou</i> of art, in the shape of "a memorial for
+visitors to Oxford," in which the chief glories of that city were
+set forth in gold and colours, in the most attractive form, and
+which our hero immediately posted off to the Manor Green.</p>
+<p>"And now, Verdant," said Mr. Larkyns, "you may just as well get
+a hack, and come for a ride with me. You've kept up your riding, of
+course."</p>
+<p>"Oh, yes - a little!" faltered our hero.</p>
+<p>Now, the reader may perhaps remember, that in an early part of
+our veracious chronicle we hinted that Mr. Verdant Green's
+equestrian performances were but of a humble character. They were,
+in fact, limited to an occasional ride with his sisters when they
+required a cavalier; but on these occasions, the old cob, which
+Verdant called his own, was warranted not to kick, or plunge, or
+start, or do anything derogatory to its age and infirmities. So
+that Charles Larkyns' proposition caused him some little nervous
+agitation; nevertheless, as he was ashamed to confess his fears,
+he, in a moment of weakness, consented to accompany his friend.</p>
+<p>"We'll go to Symonds'," said Mr. Larkyns; "I keep my hack there;
+and you can depend upon having a good one."</p>
+<p>So they made their way to Holywell Street, and turned under a
+gateway, and up a paved yard, to the stables. The upper part of the
+yard was littered down with straw, and covered in by a light, open
+roof; and in the stables there was accommodation for a hundred
+horses. At the back of the stables, and separated from the Wadham
+Gardens by a narrow lane, was a paddock; and here they found Mr.
+Fosbrooke, and one or two of his friends, inspecting the leaping
+abilities of a fine hunter, which one of the stable-boys was taking
+backwards and forwards over the hurdles and fences erected for that
+purpose.</p>
+<p>The horses were soon ready, and Verdant summoned up enough
+courage to say, with the Count in <i>Mazeppa</i>, "Bring forth the
+steed!" And when the steed was brought, in all the exuberance of
+(literally) animal spirits, he felt that he was about to be another
+Mazeppa, and perform feats on the back of a wild horse; and he
+could not help saying to the ostler, "He looks rather -vicious, I'm
+afraid!"</p>
+<p>"Wicious, sir," replied the groom; "bless you, sir! she's as
+sweet-tempered as any young ooman you ever paid your intentions to.
+The mare's as quiet a mare as was ever crossed; this 'ere's ony her
+play at comin' fresh out of the stable!"</p>
+<p>Verdant, however, had a presentiment that the play would soon
+become earnest; but he seated himself in the saddle (after a short
+delirious dance on one toe), and in a state of extreme agitation,
+not to say perspiration, proceeded at a walk, by Mr. Larkyns' side,
+up Holywell Street. Here the mare, who doubtless soon understood
+what sort of rider she had got on her back, began to be more
+demonstrative of the "fresh"ness of her animal spirits. Broad
+Street was scarcely broad enough to contain the series of
+<i>tableaux vivants</i> and heraldic attitudes that she assumed.
+"Don't pull the curb-rein so!" shouted Charles Larkyns; but Verdant
+was in far too dreadful a state of mind to understand what he said,
+or even to know which <i>was</i> the curb-rein; and after
+convulsively clutching at the mane and the pommel, in his
+endeavours to keep his seat, he first "lost his head," and then his
+seat, and ignominiously gliding over the mare's tail, found that
+his lodging was on the cold ground. Relieved of her burden, the
+mare quietly trotted back to her stables; while Verdant, finding
+himself unhurt, got up, replaced his hat and spectacles, and
+registered a mental vow never to mount an Oxford hack again.</p>
+<p>"Never mind, old fellow!" said Charles Larkyns,
+consolingly; "these little accidents
+<i>will</i> occur, you know, even with the best regulated
+riders!</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG unseated by a horse from Symonds'***" src=
+"images/VG098.JPG" width="334" height="414" /></p>
+<p>There were not <i>more</i> than a dozen ladies saw you, though
+you certainly made very creditable exertions to ride over one or
+two of them. Well! if you say you won't go back to Symonds', and
+get another hack, I must go on solus; but I shall see you at the
+Bump-supper to-night! I got old Blades to ask you to it. I'm going
+now in search of an appetite, and I should advise you to take a
+turn round the Parks and do the same. <i>Au
+re</i>ser<i>voir!</i>"</p>
+<p>So our hero, after he had compensated the livery-stable keeper,
+followed his friend's advice, and strolled round the neatly-kept
+potato-gardens denominated "the Parks," looking in vain for the
+deer that have never been there, and finding them represented only
+by nursery-maids and - others.</p>
+<hr width="30%" />
+<p>Mr. Blades, familiarly known as "old Blades" and "Billy," was a
+gentleman who was fashioned somewhat after the model of the torso
+of Hercules; and, as Stroke of the Brazenface boat, was held in
+high estimation, not only by the men of his own college, but also
+by the boating men of the University at large. His University
+existence seemed to be engaged in one long struggle, the end and
+aim of which was to place the Brazenface boat in that envied
+position known in aquatic anatomy as "the head of the river;" and
+in this struggle all Mr. Blades' energies of mind and body, -
+though particularly of body, - were engaged. Not a freshman was
+allowed to enter Brazenface, but immediately Mr. Blades' eye was
+upon him; and if the expansion of the upper part of his coat and
+waistcoat denoted that his muscular development of chest and arms
+was of a kind that might be serviceable to the great object
+aforesaid - the placing of the Brazenface boat at the head of the
+river, - then Mr. Blades came and made flattering proposals to the
+new-comer to assist in the great work. But he was also
+indefatigable, as secretary to his college club, in seeking out all
+freshmen, even if their thews and sinews were not muscular models,
+and inducing them to aid the glorious cause by becoming members of
+the club.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt="***Image: Bump-supper evening***" src=
+"images/VG099.JPG" width="409" height="357" /></p>
+<p>A Bump-supper - that is, O ye uninitiated! a supper to
+commemorate the fact of the boat of one college
+having, in the annual races, bumped, or
+touched the boat of another college immediately in its front,
+thereby gaining a place towards the head of the river, - a
+Bump-supper was a famous opportunity for discovering both the
+rowing and paying capabilities of freshmen, who, in the enthusiasm
+of the moment, would put down their two or three guineas, and at
+once propose their names to be enrolled as members at the next
+meeting of the club.</p>
+<p>And thus it was with Mr. Verdant Green, who, before the evening
+was over, found that he had not only given in his name ("proposed
+by Charles Larkyns, Esq., seconded by Henry Bouncer, Esq."), but
+that a desire was burning within his breast to distinguish himself
+in aquatic pursuits. Scarcely any thing else was talked of during
+the whole evening but the prospective chances of Brazenface bumping
+Balliol and Brasenose, and thereby getting to the head of the
+river. It was also mysteriously whispered, that Worcester and
+Christ Church were doing well, and might prove formidable; and that
+Exeter, Lincoln, and Wadham were very shady, and not doing the
+things that were expected of them. Great excitement too was caused
+by the announcement, that the Balliol stroke had knocked up, or
+knocked down, or done some thing which Mr. Verdant Green concluded
+he ought not to have done; and that the Brasenose bow had been seen
+with a cigar in his mouth, and also eating pastry in Hall, - things
+shocking in themselves, and quite contrary to all training
+principles. Then there were anticipations of Henley; and criticisms
+on the new eight out-rigger that Searle
+was laying down for the University crew; and comparisons between
+somebody's stroke and somebody else's spurt; and a good deal of
+reference to Clasper and Coombes, and Newall and Pococke, who might
+have been heathen deities for all that our hero knew, and from the
+manner in which they were mentioned.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG overturned in his tub, the 'Sylph'***" src=
+"images/VG100.JPG" width="490" height="296" /></p>
+<p>The aquatic desires that were now burning in Mr. Verdant Green's
+breast could only be put out by the water; so to the river he next
+day went, and, by Charles Larkyns' advice, made his first essay in
+a "tub" from Hall's. Being a complete novice with the oars, our
+hero had no sooner pulled off his coat and given a pull, than he
+succeeded in catching a tremendous "crab," the effect of which was
+to throw him backwards, and almost to upset the boat. Fortunately,
+however, "tubs" recover their equilibrium almost as easily as
+tombolas, and "the Sylph" did not belie its character; so the
+freshman again assumed a proper position, and was shoved off with a
+boat-hook. At first he made some hopeless splashes in the stream,
+the only effect of which was to make the boat turn with a circular
+movement towards Folly Bridge; but Charles Larkyns at once came to
+the rescue with the simple but energetic compendium of boating
+instruction, "Put your oar in deep, and bring it out with a
+jerk!"</p>
+<p>Bearing this in mind, our hero's efforts met with well-merited
+success; and he soon passed that mansion which, instead of cellars,
+appears to have an ingenious system of small rivers to thoroughly
+irrigate its foundations. One by one, too, he passed those
+house-boats which are more like the Noah's
+arks of toy-shops than anything else, and sometimes contain quite
+as original a mixture of animal specimens.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG in the 'Sylph' on the Isis at the 'Gut'***" src=
+"images/VG101.JPG" width="539" height="422" /></p>
+<p>Warming with his exertions, Mr. Verdant Green passed the
+University barge in great style, just as the eight was preparing to
+start; and though he was not able to "feather his oars with skill
+and dexterity," like the jolly young waterman in the song, yet his
+sleight-of-hand performances with them proved not only a source of
+great satisfaction to the crews on the river, but also to the
+promenaders on the shore.</p>
+<p>He had left the Christ Church meadows far behind, and was
+beginning to feel slightly exhausted by his unwonted exertions,
+when he reached that bewildering part of the river termed "the
+Gut." So confusing were the intestine commotions of this gut, that,
+after passing a chequered existence as an aquatic shuttlecock, and
+being assailed with a slang-dictionary-full of opprobrious
+epithets, Mr. Verdant Green caught another tremendous crab, and
+before he could recover himself, the "tub" received a shock, and,
+with a loud cry of "Boat ahead!" ringing in his ears, the
+University Eight passed over the place where he and "the Sylph" had
+so lately disported themselves.</p>
+<p>With the wind nearly knocked out of his body by the blade of the
+bow-oar striking him on the chest as he rose to the surface, our
+unfortunate hero was immediately dragged from the water, in a
+condition like that of the child in <i>The Stranger</i> (the only
+joke, by the way, in that most dreary play) "not dead, but very
+wet!" and forthwith placed in safety in his deliverer's boat.</p>
+<p>"Hallo, Gig-lamps! who the doose had thought of seeing you here,
+devouring Isis in this expensive way!" said a voice very coolly.
+And our hero found that he had been rescued by little Mr. Bouncer,
+who had been tacking up the river in company with Huz and Buz and
+his meerschaum. "You <i>have</i> been and gone and done it now,
+young man!" continued the vivacious little gentleman, as he
+surveyed our hero's draggled and forlorn condition. "If you'd only
+a comb and a glass in your hand, you'd look distressingly like a
+cross-breed with a mermaid! You ain't subject to the whatdyecallems
+- the rheumatics, are you? Because, if so, I could put you on shore
+at a tidy little shop where you can get a glass of
+brandy-and-water, and have your clothes dried; and then mamma won't
+scold."</p>
+<p>"Indeed," chattered our hero, "I shall be very glad indeed; for
+I feel - rather cold. But what am I to do with my boat?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, the Lively Polly, or whatever her name is, will find her
+way back safe enough. There are plenty of boatmen on the river
+who'll see to her and take her back to her owner; and if you got
+her from Hall's, I daresay she'll dream that she's dreamt in marble
+halls, like you did, Gig-lamps, that night at Smalls', when you got
+wet in rather a more lively style than you've done to-day. Now I'll
+tack you up to that little shop I told you of."</p>
+<p>So there our hero was put on shore, and Mr. Bouncer made fast
+his boat and accompanied him; and did not leave him until he had
+seen him between the blankets, drinking a glass of hot
+brandy-and-water, the while his clothes were smoking before the
+fire.</p>
+<p>This little adventure (for a time at least) checked Mr. Verdant
+Green's aspirations to distinguish himself on the river; and he
+therefore renounced the sweets of the Isis, and contented himself
+by practising with a punt on the Cherwell. There, after repeatedly
+overbalancing himself in the most suicidal manner, he at length
+peacefully settled down into the lounging blissfulness of a
+"Cherwell water-lily;" and on the hot days, among those gentlemen
+who had moored their punts underneath the overhanging boughs of the
+willows and limes, and beneath their cool
+shade were lying, in <i>dolce far niente</i> fashion, with their
+legs up and a weed in their mouth, reading the last new novel, or
+some less immaculate work, - among these gentlemen might haply have
+been discerned the form and spectacles of Mr. Verdant Green.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt="***Image: Punt on the Cherwell***" src=
+"images/VG103.JPG" width="510" height="391" /></p>
+<a name="ch1.11" id="ch1.11"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER XI.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN'S SPORTS AND PASTIMES.</h4>
+<p>ARCHERY was all the fashion at Brazenface. They had as fine a
+lawn for it as the Trinity men had; and all day long there was
+somebody to be seen making holes in the targets, and endeavouring
+to realize the <i>pose</i> of the Apollo Belvidere; - rather a
+difficult thing to do, when you come to wear plaid trousers and
+shaggy coats. As Mr. Verdant Green felt desirous not only to uphold
+all the institutions of the University, but also to make himself
+acquainted with the sports and pastimes of the place, he forthwith
+joined the Archery and Cricket Clubs. He at once inspected the
+manufactures of Muir and Buchanan; and after selecting from their
+stores a fancy-wood bow, with arrows, belt, quiver, guard, tips,
+tassels, and grease-pot, he felt himself to be duly prepared to
+represent the Toxophilite character. But the sustaining it was a
+more difficult thing than he had conceived; for although he thought
+that it would be next to impossible to miss a shot
+when the target was so large, and the
+arrow went so easily from the bow, yet our hero soon discovered
+that even in the first steps of archery there was something to be
+learnt, and that the mere stringing of his bow was a performance
+attended with considerable difficulty.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt="***Image: VG tries archery***" src=
+"images/VG104-1.JPG" width="329" height="376" /></p>
+<p>It was always slipping from his instep, or twisting the wrong
+way, or threatening to snap in sunder, or refusing to allow his
+fingers to slip the knot, or doing something that was dreadfully
+uncomfortable, and productive of
+perspiration; and two or three times he was reduced to the abject
+necessity of asking his friends to string his bow for him.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG in archery practice, missing the target***" src=
+"images/VG104-2.JPG" width="290" height="369" /></p>
+<p>But when he had mastered this slight difficulty, he found that
+the arrows (to use Mr. Bouncer's phrase) "wobbled," and had a
+predilection for going anywhere but into the target,
+notwithstanding its size; and unfortunately one went into the body
+of the Honourable Mr. Stormer's favourite Skye terrier, though,
+thanks to its shaggy coat and the bluntness of the arrow, it did
+not do a great amount of mischief; nevertheless, the vials of Mr.
+Stormer's wrath were outpoured upon Mr. Verdant Green's head; and
+such <i>epea pteroenta</i> followed the
+winged arrow, that our hero became alarmed, and for the time
+forswore archery practice.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG defends the crease at cricket***" src=
+"images/VG105-1.JPG" width="290" height="369" /></p>
+<p>As he had fully equipped himself for archery, so also Mr.
+Verdant Green, (on the authority of Mr. Bouncer) got himself up for
+cricket regardless of expense; and he made his first appearance in
+the field in a straw hat with blue ribbon, and "flannels," and
+spiked shoes of perfect propriety.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG receives a painful blow from a cricket ball***" src=
+"images/VG105-2.JPG" width="334" height="405" /></p>
+<p>As Mr. Bouncer had told him that, in cricket, attitude was every
+thing, Verdant, as soon as he went in
+for his innings, took up what he considered to be a very good
+position at the wicket. Little Mr. Bouncer, who was bowling,
+delivered the ball with a swiftness that seemed rather astonishing
+in such a small gentleman. The first ball was "wide;" nevertheless,
+Verdant (after it had passed) struck at it, raising his bat high in
+the air, and bringing it straight down to the ground as though it
+were an executioner's axe. The second ball was nearer to the mark;
+but it came in with such swiftness, that, as Mr. Verdant Green was
+quite new to round bowling, it was rather too quick for him, and
+hit him severely on the -, well, never mind, - on the trousers.
+</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG is bowled 'out' at cricket***" src=
+"images/VG106-1.JPG" width="375" height="397" /></p>
+<p>"Hallo, Gig-lamps!" shouted the delighted Mr. Bouncer, "nothing
+like backing up; but it's no use assuming a stern appearance;
+you'll get your hand in soon, old feller!"</p>
+<p>But Verdant found that before he could get his hand in, the ball
+was got into his wicket; and that while he was preparing for the
+strike, the ball shot by; and, as Mr. Stumps, the wicket-keeper,
+kindly informed him, "there was a row in his timber-yard." Thus
+Verdant's score was always on the <i>lucus a non lucendo</i>
+principle of derivation, for not even to a quarter of a score did
+it ever reach; and he felt that he should never rival a Mynn or be
+a Parr with any one of the "All England" players.</p>
+<p>Besides these out-of-door sports, our hero also devoted a good
+deal of his time to acquiring in-door games, being quickly
+initiated into the mysteries of billiards, and plunging headlong
+into pool. It was in the billiard-room that Verdant first formed
+his acquaintance with Mr. Fluke of Christ Church, well known to be
+the best player in the University, and who, if report spoke truly,
+always made his five hundred a year by his skill in the game. Mr.
+Fluke kindly put our hero "into the way to become a player ;" and
+Verdant soon found the apprenticeship was attended with rather
+heavy fees.</p>
+<p>At the wine-parties also that he attended he became rather a
+greater adept at cards than he had formerly been. "Van John" was
+the favourite game; and he was not long in discovering that
+[s]taking shillings and half-crowns, instead of counters and
+"fish," and going odds on the colours, and losing five pounds
+before he was aware of it, was a very different thing to playing
+<i>vingt-et-un</i> at home with his sisters for "love" - (though
+perhaps cards afford the only way in which young ladies at
+twenty-one will <i>play</i> for love).</p>
+<p>In returning to Brazenface late from these parties, our hero was
+sometimes frightfully alarmed by suddenly finding himself face to
+face with a dreadful apparition, to which, by constant familiarity,
+he gradually became accustomed, and learned to look upon as the
+proctor with his marshal and bulldogs.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG engages in billiards and pool***" src=
+"images/VG107.JPG" width="542" height="452" /></p>
+<p>At first, too, he was on such occasions greatly alarmed
+at finding the gates of Brazenface closed,
+obliging him thereby to "knock-in;" and not only did he apologize
+to the porter for troubling him to open the wicket, but he also
+volunteered elaborate explanations of the reasons that had kept him
+out after time, - explanations that were not received in the spirit
+with which they were tendered. When our freshman became aware of
+the mysteries of a gate-bill, he felt more at his ease.</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green learned many things during his freshman's
+term, and, among others, he discovered that the quiet retirement of
+college-rooms, of which he had heard so much, was in many cases an
+unsubstantial idea, founded on imagination, and built up by
+fancy.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Undergraduates entering College room via the open window***"
+src="images/VG109-2.JPG" width="237" height="239" /></p>
+<br />
+<p>One day that he had been writing a letter in Mr. Smalls' rooms,
+which were on the ground-floor, Verdant congratulated himself that
+his own rooms were on the third floor, and were thus removed from
+the possibility of his friends, when he had sported his oak, being
+able to get through his window to "chaff" him; but he soon
+discovered that rooms upstairs had also objectionable points in
+their private character, and were not altogether such eligible
+apartments as he had at first anticipated. First, there was the
+getting up and down the dislocated staircase, a feat which at night
+was sometimes attended with difficulty.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG at an evening gaming party of undergraduates***" src=
+"images/VG108.JPG" width="477" height="442" /></p>
+<p>Then, when he had accomplished this
+feat, there was no way of escaping from the noise of his
+neighbours. Mr. Sloe, the reading-man in the garret above, was one
+of those abominable nuisances, a peripatetic student, who "got
+up"</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Sloe being the peripatetic student***" src=
+"images/VG110-1.JPG" width="164" height="234" /></p>
+<p>every subject by pacing up and down his limited apartment, and,
+like the sentry, "walked his dreary round" at unseasonable hours of
+the night, at which time could be plainly heard the wretched
+chuckle, and crackings of knuckles (Mr. Sloe's way of expressing
+intense delight), with which he welcomed some miserable joke of
+Aristophanes, painfully elaborated by the help of
+Liddell-and-Scott; or the disgustingly sonorous way in which he
+declaimed his Greek choruses. This was bad enough at night; but in
+the day-time there was a still greater nuisance. The rooms
+immediately beneath Verdant's were possessed by a gentleman whose
+musical powers were of an unusually limited description, but who,
+unfortunately for his neighbours, possessed the idea that the
+cornet-a-piston was a beautiful instrument for pic-nics, races,
+boating-parties, and other long-vacation
+amusements, and sedulously practised "In my cottage near a wood,"
+"Away with melancholy," and other airs of a lively character, in a
+doleful and distracted way, that would have fully justified his
+immediate homicide, or, at any rate, the confiscation of his
+offending instrument.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG 'knocks-in' at the Brazenface wicket gate after hours***"
+src="images/VG109-1.JPG" width="350" height="391" /></p>
+<p>Then, on the one side of Verdant's room, was Mr. Bouncer,
+sounding his octaves, and "going the complete unicorn;" and his
+bull-terriers, Huz and Buz, all and each of whom were of a restless
+and loud temperament; while, on the other side, were Mr.
+Four-in-hand Fosbrooke's rooms, in which fencing, boxing,
+single-stick, and other violent sports, were gone through, with a
+great expenditure of "Sa-ha! sa-ha!" and stampings. Verdant was
+sometimes induced to go in, and never could sufficiently admire the
+way in which men could be rapped with single-sticks without crying
+out or flinching; for it made him almost
+sore even to look at them. Mr. Blades, the stroke, was a frequent
+visitor there, and developed his muscles in the most satisfactory
+manner.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Undergraduates fencing in College rooms***" src=
+"images/VG111-1.JPG" width="410" height="309" /></p>
+<br />
+<p>After many refusals, our hero was at length persuaded to put on
+the gloves, and have a friendly bout with Mr. Blades. The result
+was as might have been anticipated; and Mr. Smalls doubtless gave a
+very correct <i>resume</i> of the proceeding (for, as we have
+before said, he was thoroughly conversant with the sporting slang
+of <i>Tintinnabulum's Life</i>), when he told Verdant, that his
+claret had been repeatedly tapped, his bread-basket walked into,
+his day-lights darkened, his ivories rattled, his nozzle barked,
+his whisker-bed napped heavily, his kissing-trap countered, his
+ribs roasted, his nut spanked, and his whole person put in
+chancery, stung, bruised, fibbed, propped, fiddled,
+slogged, and otherwise ill-treated. So
+it is hardly to be wondered at if Mr. Verdant Green from
+thenceforth gave up boxing, as a senseless and ungentlemanly
+amusement.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt="***Image: VG is floored at boxing***"
+src="images/VG111-2.JPG" width="410" height="309" /></p>
+<br />
+<p>But while these pleasures(?) of the body were being attended to,
+the recreation of the mind was not forgotten. Mr. Larkyns had
+proposed Verdant's name at the Union; and, to that gentleman's
+great satisfaction, he was not black-balled. He daily, therefore,
+frequented the reading-room, and made a point of looking through
+all the magazines and newspapers; while he felt quite a pride in
+sitting in luxurious state upstairs, writing his letters to the
+home department on the very best note-paper, and sealing them
+extensively with "the Oxford Union" seal; though he could not at
+first be persuaded that trusting his letters to a wire closet was
+at all a safe system of postage.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Undergraduate playing his cornet-a-piston***" src=
+"images/VG110-2.JPG" width="201" height="235" /></p>
+<p>He also attended the Debates, which were then held in the
+long room behind Wyatt's; and he was
+particularly charmed with the manner in which vital questions, that
+(as he learned from the newspapers) had proved stumbling-blocks to
+the greatest statesmen of the land, were rapidly solved by the
+embryo statesmen of the Oxford Union. It was quite a sight, in that
+long picture-room, to see the rows of light iron seats densely
+crowded with young men - some of whom would perhaps rise to be
+Cannings, or Peels, or Gladstones - and to hear how one beardless
+gentleman would call another beardless gentleman his "honourable
+friend," and appeal "to the sense of the House," and address
+himself to "Mr. Speaker;" and how they would all juggle the same
+tricks of rhetoric as their fathers were doing in certain other
+debates in a certain other House. And it was curious, too, to mark
+the points of resemblance between the two Houses; and how the
+smaller one had, on its smaller scale, its Hume, and its Lord John,
+and its "Dizzy;" and how they went through the same traditional
+forms, and preserved the same time-honoured ideas, and debated in
+the fullest houses, with the greatest spirit and the greatest
+length, on such points as, "What course
+is it advisable for this country to take in regard to the
+government of its Indian possessions, and the imprisonment of Mr.
+Jones by the Rajah of Humbugpoopoonah?"
+</p>
+<p>Indeed, Mr. Verdant Green was so excited by this interesting
+debate, that on the third night of its adjournment he rose to
+address the House; but being "no orator as Brutus is," his few
+broken words were received with laughter, and the honourable
+gentleman was coughed down.</p>
+<p>Our hero had, as an Oxford freshman, to go through that cheerful
+form called "sitting in the schools," - a form which consisted in
+the following ceremony. Through a door in the right-hand corner of
+the Schools Quadrangle, - (Oh, that door! does it not bring a pang
+into your heart only to think of it? to remember the day when you
+went in there as pale as the little pair of bands in which you were
+dressed for your sacrifice; and came out all in a glow and a chill
+when your examination was over; and posted your bosom-friend there
+to receive from Purdue the little slip of paper, and bring you the
+thrilling intelligence that you had passed; or to come
+empty-handed, and say that you had been plucked!</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG 'sitting in the Schools'***" src="images/VG112.JPG"
+width="525" height="433" /></p>
+<p>Oh that door! well might be inscribed
+there the line which, on Dante's authority, is assigned to the door
+of another place, -</p>
+<center>"ALL HOPE ABANDON, YE WHO ENTER HERE!")</center>
+<p>- entering through this door in company with several other
+unfortunates, our hero passed between two galleries through a
+passage, by which, if the place had been a circus, the horses would
+have entered, and found himself in a tolerably large room lighted
+on either side by windows, and panelled half-way up the walls. Down
+the centre of this room ran a large green-baize-covered table, on
+the one side of which were some eight or ten miserable beings who
+were then undergoing examination, and were supplied with pens, ink,
+blotting-pad, and large sheets of thin "scribble-paper," on which
+they were struggling to impress their ideas; or else had a book set
+before them, out of which they were construing, or being racked
+with questions that touched now on one subject and now on another,
+like a bee among flowers. The large table was liberally supplied
+with all the apparatus and instruments of torture; and on the other
+side of it sat the three examiners, as dreadful and
+formidable as the terrible three of
+Venice.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: A Proctor making his 'insane promenade' at degree conferral***"
+src="images/VG113-1.JPG" width="487" height="148" /></p>
+<p>At the upper end of the room was a chair of state for the
+Vice-Chancellor, whenever he deigned to personally superintend the
+torture; to the right and left of which accommodation was provided
+for other victims.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Cameos of the Vice-Chancellor and the University Registrar***"
+src="images/VG113-2.JPG" width="514" height="277" /></p>
+<p>On the right hand of the room was a small open
+gallery of two seats (like those seen in
+infant schools); and here, from 10 in the morning till 4 in the
+afternoon, with only the interval of a quarter of an hour for
+luncheon, Mr. Verdant Green was compelled to sit and watch the
+proceedings, his perseverance being attested to by a certificate
+which he received as a reward for his meritorious conduct. If this
+"sitting in the schools" <font color="#FF0000">[16]</font> was
+established as an <i>in terrorem</i> form for the spectators, it
+undoubtedly generally had the desired effect; and what with the
+misery of sitting through a whole day on a hard bench with nothing
+to do, and the agony of seeing your fellow-creatures plucked, and
+having visions of the same prospective fate for yourself, the day
+on which the sitting takes place was usually regarded as one of
+those which, "if 'twere done, 'twere well it should be done
+quickly."</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[16] This form has been abolished (1853) under the new
+regulations.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>As an appropriate sequel to this proceeding, Mr. Verdant Green
+attended the interesting ceremony of conferring degrees; where he
+discovered that the apparently insane promenade of the proctor gave
+rise to the name bestowed on (what Mr. Larkyns called) the equally
+insane custom of "plucking." <font color="#FF0000">[17]</font>
+There too our hero saw the Vice-Chancellor in all his glory; and so
+agreeable were the proceedings, that altogether he had a great deal
+of Bliss. <font color="#FF0000">[18]</font></p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+<a name="Note17" id="Note17"></a>[17] When the degrees are
+conferred, the name of each person is read out before he is
+presented to the Vice-Chancellor. The proctor then walks once up
+and down the room, so that any person who objects to the degree
+being granted may signify the same by pulling or "plucking" the
+proctor's robes. This has been occasionally done by tradesmen in
+order to obtain payment of their "little bills;" but such a
+proceeding is very rare, and the proctor's promenade is usually
+undisturbed.<br />
+[18] The Rev. Philip Bliss, D.C.L., after holding the onerous post
+of Registrar of the University for many years, and discharging its
+duties in a way that called forth the unanimous thanks of the
+University, resigned office in 1853.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<br />
+<a name="ch1.12" id="ch1.12"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER XII.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN TERMINATES HIS EXISTENCE AS AN OXFORD
+FRESHMAN.</h4>
+<p>"BEFORE I go home," said Mr. Verdant Green, as he expelled a
+volume of smoke from his lips, - for he had overcome his first
+weakness, and now "took his weed" regularly, - "before I go home, I
+must see what I owe in the place; for my
+father said he did not like for me to run in debt, but wished me to
+settle my bills terminally."</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: A 'very rare' receipted pastrycook's bill presented by Mr. Charles Larkyns***"
+src="images/VG114.JPG" width="377" height="224" /></p>
+<p>"What, you're afraid of having what we call bill-ious fever, I
+suppose, eh?" laughed Charles Larkyns. "All exploded ideas, my dear
+fellow. They do very well in their way, but they don't answer;
+don't pay, in fact; and the shopkeepers don't like it either. By
+the way, I can shew you a great curiosity; - the autograph of an
+Oxford tradesman, <i>very rare</i>! I think of presenting it to the
+Ashmolean." And Mr. Larkyns opened his writing-desk, and took
+therefrom an Oxford pastrycook's bill, on which appeared the magic
+word, "Received."</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG falls off back of dog-cart on arriving at Woodstock***"
+src="images/VG115.JPG" width="523" height="370" /></p>
+<p>"Now, there is one thing," continued Mr. Larkyns, "which you
+really must do before you go down, and that is to see Blenheim. And
+the best thing that you can do is to join Fosbrooke and Bouncer and
+me, in a trap to Woodstock to-morrow. We'll go in good time, and
+make a day of it."</p>
+<p>Verdant readily agreed to make one of the party; and the next
+morning, after a breakfast in Charles Larkyns' rooms, they made
+their way to a side street leading out of Beaumont Street, where
+the dog-cart was in waiting. As it was drawn by two horses, placed
+in tandem fashion, Mr. Fosbrooke had an opportunity of displaying
+his Jehu powers; which he did to great advantage, not allowing his
+leader to run his nose into the cart, and being enabled to turn
+sharp corners without chipping the bricks, or running the wheel up
+the bank.</p>
+<p>They reached Woodstock after a very pleasant ride, and clattered
+up its one long street to the principal hotel; but Mr. Fosbrooke
+whipped into the yard to the left so rapidly, that our hero, who
+was not much used to the back seat of a dog-cart, flew off by some
+means at a tangent to the right, and was consequently degraded in
+the eyes of the inhabitants.</p>
+<p>After ordering for dinner every thing that the house was enabled
+to supply, they made their way in the first place (as it could only
+be seen between 11 and 1) to Blenheim; the princely splendours of
+which were not only costly in themselves, but, as our hero soon
+found, costly also to the sight-seer. The doors in the <i>suite</i>
+of apartments were all opposite to each other, so that, as a
+crimson cord was passed from one to the other, the spectator was
+kept entirely to the one side of the room, and merely a glance
+could be obtained of the Raffaelle, the glorious Rubens's,
+<font color="#FF0000">[19]</font> the Vandycks, and the almost
+equally fine Sir Joshuas. But even the glance they had was but a
+passing one, as the servant trotted them through the rooms with the
+rapidity of locomotion and explanation of a Westminster Abbey
+verger; and he made a fierce attack on Verdant, who had lagged
+behind, and was short-sightedly peering at the celebrated "Charles
+the First" of Vandyck, as though he had lingered in order to
+surreptitiously appropriate some of the tables, couches, and other
+trifling articles that ornamented the rooms. In this way they went
+at railroad pace through the <i>suite</i> of rooms and the library,
+- where the chief thing pointed out appeared to be a grease-mark on
+the floor made by somebody at somebody else's wedding-breakfast, -
+and to the chapel, where they admired the ingenuity of the sparrows
+and other birds that built about Rysbrach's monumental mountain of
+marble to the memory of the Duke and Duchess of Marlborough; - and
+then to the so-called "Titian room" (shade of mighty Titian,
+forgive the insult!) where they saw the Loves of the Gods
+represented in the most unloveable manner,<font color=
+"#FF0000">[20]</font> and where a flunkey lounged lazily at the
+door, and, in spite of Mr. Bouncer's expostulatory "chaff,"
+demanded half-a-crown for the sight.</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[19] Dr Waagen says that the Rubens collection at Blenheim is only
+surpassed by the royal galleries of Munich, Vienna, Madrid, and
+Paris.<br />
+[20] The ladies alone would repel one by their gaunt ugliness,
+their flesh being apparently composed of the article on which the
+pictures are painted, leather. The only picture not by "Titian" in
+this room is a Rubens, - "the Rape of Proserpine" - to see which is
+well worth the half-crown <i>charged</i> for the sight of the
+others.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>Indeed, the sight-seeing at Blenheim seemed to be a system of
+half-crowns. The first servant would take them a little way, and
+then say, "I don't go any further, sir; half-a-crown!" and hand
+them over to servant number two, who, after a short interval, would
+pass them on (half-a-crown!) to the servant who shewed the chapel
+(half-a-crown!), who would forward them on to the "Titian" Gallery
+(half-a-crown!), who would hand them over to the flower-garden
+(half-a-crown!), who would entrust them to the rose-garden
+(half-a-crown!), who would give them up to another, who shewed
+parts of the Park, and the rest of it. Somewhat in this manner an
+Oxford party sees Blenheim (the present of the nation); and Mr.
+Verdant Green found it the most expensive show-place he had ever
+seen.</p>
+<p>Some of the Park, however, was free (though they were two or
+three times ordered to "get off the grass"); and they rambled about
+among the noble trees, and admired the fine views of the Hall, and
+smoked their weeds, and became very pathetic at Rosamond's Spring.
+They then came back into Woodstock, which they found to be like all
+Oxford towns, only rather duller perhaps,
+the principal signs of life being some fowls lazily pecking about
+in the grass-grown street, and two cats sporting without fear of
+interruption from a dog, who was too much overcome by the
+<i>ennui</i> of the place to interfere with them.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG admiring two 'neat little glovers' in shop at Woodstock ***"
+src="images/VG117.JPG" width="427" height="400" /></p>
+<p>Mr. Bouncer then led the way to an inn, where the bar was
+presided over by a young lady, "on whom," he said, "he was
+desperately sweet," and with whom he conversed in the most affable
+and brotherly manner, and for whom also he had brought, as an
+appropriate present, a Book of Comic Songs; "for," said the little
+gentleman, "hang it! she's a girl of what you call <i>mind</i>, you
+know! and she's heard of the opera, and begun the piano, - though
+she don't get much time, you see, for it in the bar, - and she
+sings regular slap-up, and no mistake!"</p>
+<p>So they left this young lady drawing bitter beer for Mr.
+Bouncer, and otherwise attending to her adorer's wants, and
+endeavoured to have a game of billiards on a wooden table that had
+no cushions, with curious cues that had no leathers. Slightly
+failing in this difficult game, they strolled about till
+dinner-time, when Mr. Verdant Green became mysteriously lost for
+some time, and was eventually found by Charles Larkyns and Mr.
+Fosbrooke in a glover's shop, where he was sitting on a high stool,
+and basking in the sunshiny smiles of two "neat little glovers."
+Our hero at first feigned to be simply making purchases of
+Woodstock gloves and purses, as <i>souvenirs</i> of his visit, and
+presents for his sisters; but in the course of the evening, being
+greatly "chaffed" on the subject, he began to exercise his
+imagination, and talk of the "great fun" he had had; - though what
+particular fun there may be in smiling amiably across a counter at
+a feminine shopkeeper who is selling you gloves, it is hard to say:
+perhaps Dr. Sterne could help us to an answer.</p>
+<p>They spent altogether a very lively day; and after a rather
+protracted sitting over their wine, they returned to Oxford with
+great hilarity, Mr. Bouncer's post-horn coming out with great
+effect in the stillness of the moonlight night. Unfortunately their
+mirth was somewhat checked when they had got as far as Peyman's
+Gate; for the proctor, with mistaken kindness, had taken the
+trouble to meet them there, lest they should escape him by entering
+Oxford by any devious way; and the marshal and the bull-dogs were
+at the leader's head just as Mr. Fosbrooke was triumphantly guiding
+them through the turnpike. Verdant gave up his name and that of his
+college with a thrill of terror, and nearly fell off the drag from
+fright, when he was told to call upon the proctor the next
+morning.</p>
+<p>"Keep your pecker up, old feller!" said Mr. Bouncer, in an
+encouraging tone, as they drove into Oxford, "and don't be down in
+the mouth about a dirty trick like this. He won't hurt you much,
+Gig-lamps! Gate and chapel you; or give you some old Greek party to
+write out; or send you down to your mammy for a twelve-month; or
+some little trifle of that sort. I only wish the beggar would come
+up our staircase! if Huz, and Buz his brother, didn't do their duty
+by him, it would be doosid odd. Now, don't you go and get bad
+dreams, Gig-lamps! because it don't pay; and you'll soon get used
+to these sort of things; and what's the odds, as long as you're
+happy? I like to take things coolly, I do."</p>
+<p>To judge from Mr. Bouncer's serenity, and the far-from-nervous
+manner in which he "sounded his octaves," <i>he</i> at least
+appeared to be thoroughly used to "that sort of thing," and
+doubtless slept as tranquilly as though nothing wrong had occurred.
+But it was far different with our hero, who passed a sleepless
+night of terror as to his probable fate on the morrow.</p>
+<p>And when the morrow came, and he found himself in the dreaded
+presence of the constituted authority, armed with all the power of
+the law, he was so overcome, that he fell on his knees and made an
+abject spectacle of himself, imploring that he might not be
+expelled, and bring down his father's grey hairs in the usually
+quoted manner. To his immense relief, however, he was treated in a
+more lenient way; and as the term had nearly expired, his
+punishment could not be of long duration; and as for the
+impositions, why, as Mr. Bouncer said, "Ain't there coves to
+<i>barber</i>ise 'em <font color="#FF0000">[21]</font> for you,
+Gig-lamps?"</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[21] Impositions are often performed by deputy.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG prostrates himself and begs for mercy from the Proctor***"
+src="images/VG119.JPG" width="317" height="371" /></p>
+<p>Thus our freshman gained experience daily; so that by
+the end of the term, he found that short
+as the time had been, it had been long enough for him to learn what
+Oxford life was like, and that there was in it a great deal to be
+copied, as well as some things to be shunned. The freshness he had
+so freely shown on entering Oxford had gradually yielded as the
+term went on; and, when he had run halloing the Brazenface boat all
+the way up from Iffley, and had seen Mr. Blades realize his most
+sanguine dreams as to "the head of the river;" and when, from the
+gallery of the theatre, he had taken part in the licensed
+saturnalia of the Commemoration, and had cheered for the ladies in
+pink and blue, and even given "one more" for the very proctor who
+had so lately interfered with his liberties; and when he had gone
+to a farewell pass-party (which Charles Larkyns did <i>not</i>
+give), and had assisted in the other festivities that usually mark
+the end of the academical year, - Mr. Verdant Green found himself
+to be possessed of a considerable acquisition of knowledge of a
+most miscellaneous character; and on the authority, and in the
+figurative eastern language of Mr. Bouncer, "he was sharpened up no
+end, by being well rubbed against university bricks. So, good by,
+old feller!" said the little gentleman, with a kind remembrance of
+imaginary individuals, "and give my love to Sairey and the little
+uns." And Mr. Bouncer "went the complete unicorn," for the last
+time in that term, by extemporising a farewell solo to Verdant,
+which was of such an agonizing character of execution, that Huz,
+and Buz his brother, lifted up their noses and howled.
+</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG in clouds of smoke on the stage coach returning home***"
+src="images/VG120-1.JPG" width="318" height="211" /></p>
+<p>"Which they're the very moral of Christyuns, sir!" observed Mrs.
+Tester, who was dabbing her curtseys in thankfulness for the large
+amount with which our hero had "tipped" her. "And has ears for
+moosic, sir. With grateful thanks to you, sir, for the same. And
+it's obleeged I feel in my art. Which it reelly were like what my
+own son would do, sir. As was found in drink for his rewing. And
+were took to the West Injies for a sojer. Which he were - ugh! oh,
+oh!</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG familiarises himself with a maidservant at home, Miss Virginia Verdant (unnoticed) looking on aghast (image omitted from some of the later Victorian editions)***"
+src="images/VG120-2.JPG" width="261" height="355" /></p>
+<p>Which you be'old me a hafflicted martyr to these spazzums, sir.
+And how I am to get through them doorin'
+the veecation. Without a havin' 'em eased by a-goin' to your
+cupboard, sir. For just three spots o' brandy on a lump o' sugar,
+sir. Is a summut as I'm afeered to think on. Oh! ugh!" Upon which
+Mrs. Tester's grief and spasms so completely overcame her, that our
+hero presented her with an extra half-sovereign, wherewith to
+purchase the medicine that was so peculiarly adapted to her
+complaint. Mr. Robert Filcher was also "tipped" in the same liberal
+manner; and our hero completed his first term's residence in
+Brazenface by establishing himself as a decided favourite.</p>
+<p>Among those who seemed disposed to join in this opinion was the
+Jehu of the Warwickshire coach, who expressed his conviction to our
+delighted hero, that "he wos a young gent as had much himproved
+hisself since he tooled him up to the 'Varsity with his guvnor." To
+fully deserve which high opinion, Mr. Verdant Green tipped for the
+box-seat, smoked more than was good for
+him, and besides finding the coachman in weeds, drank with him at
+every "change" on the road.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG seated, surrounded by adoring family***" src=
+"images/VG121.JPG" width="510" height="394" /></p>
+<p>The carriage met him at the appointed place, and his luggage (no
+longer encased in canvas, after the manner of females) was soon
+transferred to it; and away went our hero to the Manor Green, where
+he was received with the greatest demonstrations of delight.
+Restored to the bosom of his family, our hero was converted into a
+kind of domestic idol; while it was proposed by Miss Mary Green,
+seconded by Miss Fanny, and carried by unanimous acclamation, that
+Mr. Verdant Green's University career had greatly enhanced his
+attractions.</p>
+<p>The opinion of the drawing-room was echoed from the
+servants'-hall, the ladies' maid in particular being heard freely
+to declare, that "Oxford College had made quite a man of Master
+Verdant!"</p>
+<p>As the little circumstance on which she probably grounded her
+encomium had fallen under the notice of Miss Virginia Verdant, it
+may have accounted for that most correct-minded lady being more
+reserved in expressing her opinion of her nephew's improvement than
+were the rest of the family; but she nevertheless thought a great
+deal on the subject.</p>
+<p>"Well, Verdant!" said Mr. Green, after hearing divers anecdotes
+of his son's college-life, carefully prepared for home-consumption;
+"now tell us what you've learnt in Oxford."</p>
+<p>"Why," replied our hero, as he reflected on his freshman's
+career, "I have learnt to think for myself, and not to believe
+every thing that I hear; and I think I could fight my way in the
+world; and I can chaff a cad -"</p>
+<p>"Chaff a cad! oh!" groaned Miss Virginia to herself, thinking it
+was something extremely dreadful.</p>
+<p>"And I have learnt to row - at least, not quite; but I can smoke
+a weed - a cigar, you know. I've learnt that."</p>
+<p>"Oh, Verdant, you naughty boy!" said Mrs. Green, with maternal
+fondness. "I was sadly afraid that Charles Larkyns would teach you
+all his wicked school habits!"</p>
+<p>"Why, mama," said Mary, who was sitting on a footstool at her
+brother's knee, and spoke up in defence of his college friend;
+"why, mama, all gentlemen smoke; and of course Mr. Charles Larkyns
+and Verdant must do as others do. But I dare say, Verdant, he
+taught you more useful things than that, did he not?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, yes," replied Verdant; "he taught me to grill a devil."</p>
+<p>"Grill a devil!" groaned Miss Virginia. "Infatuated young
+man!"</p>
+<p>"And to make shandy-gaff and sherry-cobbler, and brew bishop and
+egg-flip: oh, it's capital! I'll teach you how to make
+it; and we'll have some to-night!"</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG bows and doffs his top-hat***" src="images/VG122.JPG"
+width="189" height="328" /></p>
+<p>And thus the young gentleman astonished his family with the
+extent of his learning, and proved how a youth of ordinary natural
+attainments may acquire other knowledge in his University career
+than what simply pertains to classical literature.</p>
+<p>And so much experience had our hero gained during his freshman's
+term, that when the pleasures of the Long Vacation were at an end,
+and he had returned to Brazenface, with his firm and fast friend
+Charles Larkyns, he felt himself entitled to assume a patronizing
+air to the freshmen who then entered, and even sought to impose
+upon their credulity in ways which his own personal experience
+suggested.</p>
+<p>It was clear that Mr. Verdant Green had made his farewell bow as
+an Oxford Freshman.</p>
+
+<br />
+<center><b>(End of Part I)</b></center>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<p><a href="#contents">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<p><a href="#Pt2">Forward to Part II</a></p>
+<p><a href="#Pt3">Forward to Part III</a><br />
+<br /></p>
+<hr />
+<br />
+<br />
+========== <a name="Pt2" id="Pt2"></a>
+<!--page i {Vol I and II. not numbered} /page-->
+<p><b>(Part II of III)</b></p>
+<p><a href="#Pt1">Back to Part I</a></p>
+<p><a href="#Pt3">Forward to Part III</a><br />
+<br />
+<br /></p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Flyleaf drawing of VG, similar to that (in black, red lettering) in the 1854 edition***"
+src="images/FRONTIS2.JPG" width="207" height="267" /></p>
+<h2>THE FURTHER ADVENTURES</h2>
+<h2><small>OF</small></h2>
+<h2><big>MR. VERDANT GREEN,</big></h2>
+<h2><i>AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE,</i></h2>
+<h2>BEING A CONTINUATION OF "THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,
+AN OXFORD FRESHMAN."</h2>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>BY CUTHBERT BEDE, B.A.</h3>
+<hr width="30%" />
+<!--page ii {Vol I and II. blank} /page-->
+<p align="center"></p>
+<center><i>WITH NUMEROUS ILLUSTRATIONS,</i><br />
+DESIGNED AND DRAWN ON THE WOOD BY THE AUTHOR.</center>
+<br />
+<hr width="15%" />
+<br />
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td><small>"A COLLEGE JOKE TO CURE THE DUMPS."</small></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td align="right"><small>SWIFT.</small></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<center>H. INGRAM &amp; CO.<br />
+MILFORD HOUSE, MILFORD LANE, STRAND, LONDON;<br />
+<small>AND BY ALL BOOKSELLERS</small></center>
+<br />
+<center><small>1854.</small></center>
+<br />
+<br />
+<center><small>LONDON:<br />
+BRADBURY AND EVANS, PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS</small></center>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<center><a name="contents2" id=
+"contents2"></a><big>CONTENTS</big></center>
+<p>CHAPTER</p>
+<div align="left">
+<table summary="" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width=
+"90%">
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">I</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch2.1">Mr. Verdant Green recommences his
+existence as an Oxford Undergraduate</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">II</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch2.2">Mr. Verdant Green does as he has
+been done by</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">III</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch2.3">Mr. Verdant Green endeavours to
+keep his Spirits up by pouring Spirits down</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">IV</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch2.4">Mr. Verdant Green discovers the
+difference between Town and Gown</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">V</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch2.5">Mr. Verdant Green is favoured with
+Mr Bouncer's Opinions regarding an Under-graduate's Epistolary
+Communications to his Maternal Relative</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">VI</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch2.6">Mr. Verdant Green feathers his
+oars with skill and dexterity</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">VII</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch2.7">Mr. Verdant Green partakes of a
+Dove-tart and a Spread-eagle</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">VIII</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch2.8">Mr. Verdant Green spends a Merry
+Christmas and a Happy New Year</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">IX</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch2.9">Mr. Verdant Green makes his first
+appearance on any Boards</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">X</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch2.10">Mr. Verdant Green enjoys a real
+Cigar</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">XI</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch2.11">Mr. Verdant Green gets through
+his Smalls</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">XII</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch2.12">Mr. Verdant Green And his Friends
+enjoy the Commemoration</a></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>THE FURTHER ADVENTURES<br />
+<small>OF</small><br />
+<big>MR. VERDANT GREEN.</big></h3>
+<h3>PART II.</h3>
+<hr width="15%" />
+<br />
+<br />
+<a name="ch2.1" id="ch2.1"></a>
+<h3>CHAPTER I.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN RECOMMENCES HIS EXISTENCE AS AN OXFORD
+UNDERGRADUATE.</h4>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG in academic dress smoking his pipe***" src=
+"images/VG123.JPG" width="269" height="259" /></p>
+<p>THE intelligent reader - which epithet
+I take to be a synonym for every one who has perused the first part
+of the Adventures of Mr. Verdant Green, - will remember the
+statement, that the hero of the narrative "had gained so much
+experience during his Freshman's term, that, when the pleasures of
+the Long Vacation were at an end, and he had returned to Brazenface
+with his firm and fast friend Charles Larkyns, he felt himself
+entitled to assume a patronizing air to the Freshmen, who then
+entered, and even sought to impose upon their credulity in ways
+which his own personal experience suggested." And the intelligent
+reader will further call to mind the fact that the first part of
+these memoirs concluded with the words -"it was clear that Mr.
+Verdant Green had made his farewell bow as an Oxford Freshman."</p>
+<p>But, although Mr. Verdant Green had of necessity ceased to be "a
+Freshman" as soon as he had entered upon his second term of
+residence, - the name being given to students in their first term
+only, - yet this necessity, which, as we all know, <i>non habet
+leges</i>, will occasionally prove its rule by an exception; and if
+Mr. Verdant Green was no longer a freshman in name, he still
+continued to be one by nature. And the intelligent reader will
+perceive when he comes to study these veracious memoirs, that,
+although their hero will no longer display those peculiarly
+virulent symptoms of freshness, which drew towards him so much
+friendly sympathy during the earlier part of his University career,
+yet that he will still, by his innocent simplicity and credulity,
+occasionally evidence the truth of the Horatian maxim,-</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"Quo semel est imbuta recens, servabit odorem</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Testa diu;" <font color="#FF0000">[22]</font></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>which, when <i>Smart</i>-ly translated, means, "A cask will long
+preserve the flavour, with which, when new, it was once
+impregnated;" and which, when rendered in the Saxon vulgate,
+signifieth, "What is bred in the bone will come out in the
+flesh."</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[22] Horace, Ep. Lib. I. ii, 69.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>It would, indeed, take more than a Freshman's term, - a two
+months' residence in Oxford, - to remove the simple gaucheries of
+the country Squire's hobbodehoy, and convert the girlish youth, the
+pupil of that Nestor of Spinsters, Miss Virginia Verdant, into the
+MAN whose school was the University, whose Alma Mater was Oxonia
+herself. We do not cut our wise teeth in a day; some people,
+indeed, are so unfortunate as never to cut them at all; at the
+best, two months is but a brief space in which to get through this
+sapient teething operation, a short time in which to graft our
+cutting on the tree of Wisdom, more especially when the tender
+plant happens to be a Verdant Green. The golden age is past when
+the full-formed goddess of Wisdom sprang from the brain of Jove
+complete in all her parts. If our Vulcans now-a-days were to trepan
+the heads of our Jupiters, they would find nothing in them! In
+these degenerate times it will take more than one splitting
+headache to produce <i>our</i> wisdom.</p>
+<p>So it was with our hero. The splitting headache, for example,
+which had wound up the pleasures of Mr. Small's "quiet party," had
+taught him that the good things of this life were not given to be
+abused, and that he could not exceed the bounds of temperance and
+moderation without being made to pay the penalty of the trespass.
+It had taught him that kind of wisdom which even "makes fools
+wise"; for it had taught him Experience. And yet, it was but a
+portion of that lesson of Experience which it is sometimes so hard
+to learn, but which, when once got by heart, is like the catechism
+of our early days, - it is never forgotten, - it directs us, it
+warns us, it advises us; it not only adorns the tale of our life,
+but it points the moral which may bring that tale to a happy and
+peaceful end.</p>
+<p>Experience! Experience! What will it not do? It is a staff which
+will help us on when we are jostled by the designing crowds of our
+Vanity Fair. It is a telescope that will reveal to us the dark
+spots on what seemed to be a fair face. It is a finger-post to show
+us whither the crooked paths of worldly ways will lead us. It is a
+scar that tells of the wound which the soldier has received in the
+battle of life. It is a lighthouse that warns us off those hidden
+rocks and quicksands where the wrecks of long past joys that once
+smiled so fairly, and were loved so dearly, now lie buried in all
+their ghastliness, stripped of grace and beauty, things to shudder
+at and dread. Experience! Why, even Alma Mater's doctors prescribe
+it to be taken in the largest quantities! "Experientia - <i>dose
+it</i>!" they say: and very largely some of us have to pay for the
+dose. But the dose does us good; and (for it is an allopathic
+remedy), the greater the dose, the greater is the benefit to be
+derived.</p>
+<p>The two months' allopathic dose of Experience, which had been
+administered to Mr. Verdant Green, chiefly through the agency of
+those skilful professors, Messrs. Larkyns, Fosbrooke, Smalls, and
+Bouncer, had been so far beneficial to him, that, in the figurative
+Eastern language of the last-named gentleman, he had not only been
+"sharpened up no end by being well rubbed against University
+bricks," but he had, moreover, "become so considerably wide-awake,
+that he would very soon be able to take the shine out of the old
+original Weazel, whom the pages of History had recorded as never
+having been discovered in a state of somnolence."</p>
+<p>Now, as Mr. Bouncer was a gentleman of considerable experience
+and was, too, (although addicted to expressions not to be found in
+"the Polite Preceptor,") quite free from the vulgar habit of
+personal flattery, - or, as he thought fit to express it, in words
+which would have taken away my Lord Chesterfield's appetite,
+"buttering a party to his face in the cheekiest manner," - we may
+fairly presume on this strong evidence, that Mr. Verdant Green had
+really gained a considerable amount of experience during his
+freshman's term, although there were still left in his character
+and conduct many marks of viridity which</p>
+<center>"Time's effacing fingers,"</center>
+<p>assisted by Mr. Bouncer's instructions, would gradually remove.
+However, Mr. Verdant Green had, at any rate, ceased to be "a
+Freshman" in name; and had received that University promotion,
+which Mr. Charles Larkyns commemorated by the following
+<i>affiche</i>, which our hero, on his return from his first
+morning chapel in the Michaelmas term, found in a conspicuous
+position on his oak.</p>
+<center>COMMISSION SIGNED BY THE VICE-CHANCELLOR OF THE UNIVERSITY
+OF OXFORD.<br />
+<p align="right">MR. VERDANT GREEN to be an Oxford Undergraduate,
+<i>vice</i> Oxford Freshman, SOLD out.</p>
+</center>
+<p>It is generally found to be the case, that the youthful
+Undergraduate first seeks to prove he is no longer a "Freshman," by
+endeavouring to impose on the credulity of those young gentlemen
+who come up as freshmen in his second term. And, in this, there is
+an analogy between the biped and the quadruped; for, the wild,
+gambolling, schoolboy elephant, when he has been brought into a new
+circle, and has been trained to new habits, will take pleasure in
+ensnaring and deluding his late companions in play.</p>
+<p>The "sells" by which our hero had been "sold out" as a Freshman,
+now formed a stock in trade for the Undergraduate, which his
+experience enabled him to dispose of (with considerable interest)
+to the most credulous members of the generations of Freshmen who
+came up after him. Perhaps no Freshman had ever gone through a more
+severe course of hoaxing - to survive it - than Mr. Verdant Green;
+and yet, by a system of retaliation, only paralleled by the
+quadrupedal case of the before-mentioned elephant, and the
+biped-beadle case of the illustrious Mr. Bumble, who after having
+his own ears boxed by the late Mrs. Corney, relieved his feelings
+by boxing the ears of the small boy who opened the gate for him, -
+our hero took the greatest delight in seeking every opportunity to
+play off upon a Freshman some one of those numerous hoaxes which
+had been so successfully practised on himself. And while, in
+referring to the early part of his University career, he omitted
+all mention of such anecdotes as displayed his own personal
+credulity in the strongest light - which anecdotes the faithful
+historian has thought fit to record, - he, nevertheless, dwelt with
+extreme pleasure on the reminiscences of a few isolated facts, in
+which he himself appeared in the character of the hoaxer.</p>
+<p>These facts, when neatly garnished with a little fiction, made
+very palatable dishes for University entertainment, and were served
+up by our hero, when he went "down into the country," to select
+parties of relatives and friends (N.B. - Females preferred). On
+such occasions, the following hoax formed Mr. Verdant Green's
+<i>piece de resistance</i>.</p>
+<a name="ch2.2" id="ch2.2"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents2">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER II.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN DOES AS HE HAS BEEN DONE BY.</h4>
+<p>ONE morning, Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Bouncer were lounging in
+the venerable gateway of Brazenface. The former gentleman, being of
+an amiable, tame-rabbit-keeping disposition, was making himself
+very happy by whistling popular airs to the Porter's pet bullfinch,
+who was laboriously engaged on a small tread-mill, winding up his
+private supply of water. Mr. Bouncer, being of a more volatile
+temperament, was amusing himself by asking the Porter's opinion on
+the foreign policy of Great Britain, and by making very audible
+remarks on the passers-by. His attention was at length riveted by
+the appearance on the other side of the street, of a modest-looking
+young gentleman, who appeared to be so ill at ease in his
+frock-coat and "stick-up" collars, as to lead to the strong
+presumption that he wore those articles of manly dress for the
+first time.</p>
+<p>"I'll bet you a bottle of blacking, Giglamps," said little Mr.
+Bouncer, as he directed our hero's attention to the stranger, "that
+this respected party is an intending Freshman. Look at his
+customary suits of solemn black, as Othello, or Hamlet, or some
+other swell, says in Shakespeare. And, besides his black
+go-to-meeting bags, please to observe," continued the little
+gentleman, in the tone of a wax-work showman; "please to
+<i>h</i>observe the pecooliarity hof the hair-chain, likewise the
+straps of the period. Look! he's coming this way. Giglamps, I vote
+we take a rise out of the youth. Hem! Good morning! Can we have the
+pleasure of assisting you in anything?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, sir! thank you, sir," replied the youthful stranger, who
+was flushing like a girl up to the very roots of his curly, auburn
+hair; "perhaps, sir, you can direct me to Brazenface College,
+sir?"</p>
+<p>"Well, sir! it's not at all improbable, sir, but what I could,
+sir;" replied Mr. Bouncer; "but, perhaps, sir, you'll first favour
+me with your name, and your business there, sir."</p>
+<p>"Certainly, sir!" rejoined the stranger; and, while he fumbled
+at his card-case, the experienced Mr. Bouncer whispered to our
+hero, "Told you he was a sucking Freshman, Giglamps! He has got a
+bran new card-case, and says 'sir' at the sight of the
+academicals." The card handed to Mr. Bouncer, bore the name of "MR.
+JAMES PUCKER;" and, in smaller characters in the corner of the
+card, were the words, "<i>Brazenface College, Oxford</i>."</p>
+<p>"I came, sir," said the blushing Mr. Pucker, "to enter for my
+matriculation examination, and I wished to see the gentleman who
+will have to examine me, sir."</p>
+<p>"The doose you do!" said Mr. Bouncer sternly; "then young man,
+allow me to say, that you've regularly been and gone and done it,
+and put your foot in it most completely."</p>
+<p>"How-ow-ow, how, sir?" stammered the dupe.</p>
+<p>"How?" replied Mr. Bouncer, still more sternly; "do you mean to
+brazen out your offence by asking how? What <i>could</i> have
+induced you, sir, to have had printed on this card the name of this
+College, when you've not a prospect of belonging to it - it may be
+for years, it may be for never, as the bard says. You've committed
+a most grievous offence against the University statutes, young
+gentleman; and so this gentleman here - Mr. Pluckem, the junior
+examiner - will tell you!" and with that, little Mr. Bouncer nudged
+Mr. Verdant Green, who took his cue with astonishing aptitude, and
+glared through his glasses at the trembling Mr. Pucker, who stood
+blushing, and bowing, and heartily repenting that his school-boy
+vanity had led him to invest four-and-sixpence in "100 cards, and
+plate, engraved with name and address."</p>
+<p>"Put the cards in your pocket, sir, and don't let me see them
+again!" said our hero in his newly-confirmed title of the junior
+examiner; quite rejoiced at the opportunity afforded him of proving
+to his friend that <i>he</i> was no longer a Freshman.</p>
+<p>"He forgives you for the sake of your family, young man!" said
+Mr. Bouncer with pathos; "you've come to the right shop, for
+<i>this</i> is Brazenface; and you've come just at the right time,
+for here is the gentleman who will assist Mr. Pluckem in examining
+you;" and Mr. Bouncer pointed to Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, who
+was coming up the street on his way from the Schools, where he was
+making a very laudable (but as it proved, futile) endeavour "to get
+through his smalls," or, in other words, to pass his Little-go
+examination. The hoax which had been suggested to the ingenious
+mind of Mr. Bouncer, was based upon the fact of Mr. Fosbrooke's
+being properly got-up for his sacrifice in a white tie, and a pair
+of very small bands - the two articles, which, with the usual
+academicals, form the costume demanded by Alma Mater of all her
+children when they take their places in her Schools. And, as Mr.
+Fosbrooke was far too politic a gentleman to irritate the Examiners
+by appearing in a "loud" or sporting costume, he had carried out
+the idea of clerical character suggested by the bands and choker,
+by a quiet, gentlemanly suit of black, which, he had fondly hoped,
+would have softened his Examiners' manners, and not permitted them
+to be brutal.</p>
+<p>Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, therefore, to the unsophisticated
+eye of the blushing Mr. Pucker, presented a very fine specimen of
+the Examining Tutor; and this impression on Mr. Pucker's mind was
+heightened by Mr. Fosbrooke, after a few minutes' private
+conversation with the other two gentlemen, turning to him, and
+saying, "It will be extremely inconvenient to me to examine you
+now; but as you probably wish to return home as soon as possible, I
+will endeavour to conclude the business at once - this gentleman,
+Mr. Pluckem," pointing to our hero, "having kindly promised to
+assist me. Mr. Bouncer, will you have the goodness to follow with
+the young gentleman to my rooms?"</p>
+<p>Leaving Mr. Pucker to express his thanks for this great
+kindness, and Mr. Bouncer to plunge him into the depths of
+trepidation by telling him terrible <i>stories</i> of the
+Examiner's fondness for rejecting the candidates for examination,
+Mr. Fosbrooke and our hero ascended to the rooms of the former,
+where they hastily cleared away cigar-boxes and pipes, turned
+certain French pictures with their faces to the wall, and covered
+over with an outspread <i>Times</i> a regiment of porter and spirit
+bottles which had just been smuggled in, and were drawn up
+rank-and-file on the sofa. Having made this preparation, and
+furnished the table with pens, ink, and scribble-paper, Mr. Bouncer
+and the victim were admitted.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Pucker is presented with his dupe's examination papers***"
+src="images/VG129.JPG" width="394" height="323" /></p>
+<p>"Take a seat, sir," said Mr. Fosbrooke, gravely; and Mr. Pucker
+put his hat on the ground, and sat down at the table in a state of
+blushing nervousness. "Have you been at a public school?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, sir," stammered the victim; "a very public one, sir; it
+was a boarding-school, sir; forty boarders, and thirty day-boys,
+sir; I was a day-boy, sir, and in the first class."</p>
+<p>"First class of an uncommon slow train!" muttered Mr.
+Bouncer.</p>
+<p>"And are you going back to the boarding-school?" asked Mr.
+Verdant Green, with the air of an assistant judge.</p>
+<p>"No sir," replied Mr. Pucker, "I have just done with it; quite
+done with school, sir, this last half; and papa is going to put me
+to read with a clergyman until it is time for me to come to
+college."</p>
+<p>"Refreshing innocence!" murmured Mr. Bouncer; while Mr.
+Fosbrooke and our hero conferred together, and hastily wrote on two
+sheets of the scribble-paper.</p>
+<p>"Now, sir," said Mr. Fosbrooke to the victim, after a paper had
+been completed, "let us see what your Latin writing is like. Have
+the goodness to turn what I have written into Latin; and be very
+careful, sir," added Mr. Fosbrooke, sternly, "be very careful that
+it is Cicero's Latin, sir!" and he handed Mr. Pucker a sheet of
+paper, on which he had scribbled the following:</p>
+<center>"TO BE TRANSLATED INTO PROSE-Y LATIN, IN THE MANNER OF
+CICERO'S ORATIONS AFTER DINNER.</center>
+<blockquote>"If, therefore, any on your bench, my luds, or in this
+assembly, should entertain an opinion that the proximate parts of a
+mellifluous mind are for ever conjoined and unconnected, I submit
+to you, my luds, that it will of necessity follow, that such
+clandestine conduct being a mere nothing, - or, in the noble
+language of our philosophers, bosh, - every individual act of overt
+misunderstanding will bring interminable limits to the empiricism
+of thought, and will rebound in the very lowest degree to the
+credit of the malefactor."</blockquote>
+<center>"TO BE TURNED INTO LATIN AFTER THE MANNER OF THE ANIMALS OF
+TACITUS.</center>
+<blockquote>"She went into the garden to cut a cabbage to make an
+apple-pie. Just then, a great she-bear coming down the street,
+poked its nose into the shop-window. 'What! no soap?' So he died,
+and she (very imprudently) married the barber. And there were
+present at the wedding the Joblillies, and the Piccannies, and the
+Gobelites, and the great Panjandrum himself, with the little button
+on top. So they all set to playing Catch-who-catch-can, till the
+gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."</blockquote>
+<p>It was well for the purposes of the hoaxers that Mr. Pucker's
+trepidation prevented him from making a calm perusal of the paper;
+and he was nervously doing his best to turn the nonsensical English
+word by word into equally nonsensical Latin, when his limited
+powers of Latin writing were brought to a full stop by the
+untranslateable word "Bosh". As he could make nothing of this, he
+wiped the perspiration from his forehead, and gazed appealingly at
+the benignant features of Mr. Verdant Green. The appealing gaze was
+answered by our hero ordering Mr. Pucker to hand in his paper for
+examination, and to endeavour to answer the questions which he and
+his brother examiner had been writing down for him.</p>
+<p>Mr. Pucker took the two papers of questions, and read as
+follows:</p>
+<br />
+<center>"HISTORY.</center>
+<p>"1. Draw a historical parallel (after the manner of Plutarch)
+between Hannibal and Annie Laurie.<br />
+"2. What internal evidence does the Odyssey afford, that Homer sold
+his Trojan war-ballads at three yards an obolus?<br />
+"3. Show the strong presumption there is, that Nox was the god of
+battles.<br />
+"4. State reasons for presuming that the practice of lithography
+may be traced back to the time of Perseus and the Gorgon's
+head.<br />
+"5. In what way were the shades on the banks of the Styx supplied
+with spirits?<br />
+"6. Show the probability of the College Hornpipe having been used
+by the students of the Academia; and give passages from Thucydides
+and Tennyson in support of your answer.<br />
+"7. Give a brief account of the Roman Emperors who visited the
+United States, and state what they did there.<br />
+"8. Show from the redundancy of the word <font color=
+"#000080">{gas}</font> in Sophocles, that gas must have been used
+by the Athenians; also state, if the expression <font color=
+"#000080">{oi barbaroi}</font> would seem to signify that they were
+close shavers.<br />
+"9. Show from the words 'Hoc erat in votis' (Sat. VI., Lib. II.,)
+that Horace's favourite wine was hock, and that he meant to say 'he
+always voted for hock.'<br />
+"10. Draw a parallel between the Children in the Wood and Achilles
+in the Styx.<br />
+"11. When it is stated that Ariadne, being deserted by Theseus,
+fell in love with Bacchus, is it the poetical way of asserting that
+she took to drinking to drown her grief?<br />
+"12. Name the <i>prima donnas</i> who have appeared in the operas
+of Virgil and Horace since the 'Virgilii Opera,' and 'Horatii
+Opera' were composed."</p>
+<br />
+<center>"EUCLID, ARITHMETIC, and ALGEBRA.</center>
+<p>"1. 'The extremities of a line are points.' Prove this by the
+rule of railways.<br />
+"2. Show the fallacy of defining an angle, as 'a worm at one end
+and a fool at the other.'<br />
+"3. If one side of a triangle be produced, what is there to prevent
+the other two sides from also being brought forward?<br />
+"4. Let A and B be squares having their respective boundaries in E
+and W ends, and let C and D be circles moving in them; the circle D
+will be superior to the circle C.<br />
+"5. In equal circles, equal figures from various squares will stand
+upon the same footing.<br />
+"6. If two parts of a circle fall out, the one part will cut the
+other.<br />
+"7. Describe a square which shall be larger than Belgrave
+Square.<br />
+"8. If the gnomon of a sun-dial be divided into two equal, and also
+into two unequal parts, what would be its value?<br />
+"9. Describe a perpendicular triangle having the squares of the
+semi-circle equal to half the extremity between the points of
+section.<br />
+"10. If an Austrian florin is worth 5.61 francs, what will be the
+value of Pennsylvanian bonds? Prove by rule-of-three inverse.<br />
+"11. If seven horses eat twenty-five acres of grass in three days,
+what will be their condition on the fourth day? Prove by
+practice.<br />
+"12. If a coach-wheel, 6 5/30 in diameter and 5 9/47 in
+circumference, makes 240 4/19 revolutions in a second, how many men
+will it take to do the same piece of work in ten days?<br />
+"13. Find the greatest common measure of a quart bottle of Oxford
+port.<br />
+"14. Find the value of a 'bob,' a 'tanner,' 'a joey,' and a
+'tizzy.'<br />
+"15. Explain the common denominators 'brick,' 'trump,' 'spoon,'
+'muff,' and state what was the greatest common denominator in the
+last term.<br />
+"16. Reduce two academical years to their lowest terms.<br />
+"17. Reduce a Christ Church tuft to the level of a Teddy Hall
+man.<br />
+"18. If a freshman <i>A</i> have any mouth <i>x</i>, and a bottle
+of wine <i>y</i>, show how many applications of x to <i>y</i> will
+place <i>y</i>+<i>y</i> before <i>A</i>."</p>
+<p>Mr. Pucker did not know what to make of such extraordinary and
+unexpected questions. He blushed, attempted to write, fingered his
+curls, tried to collect his faculties, and then appeared to give
+himself over to despair; whereupon little Mr. Bouncer was seized
+with an immoderate fit of coughing which had well nigh brought the
+farce to its <i>denouement</i>.</p>
+<p>"I'm afraid, young gentleman," said Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke,
+as he carelessly settled his white tie and bands, "I am afraid, Mr.
+Pucker, that your learning is not yet up to the Brazenface
+standard. We are particularly cautious about admitting any
+gentleman whose acquirements are not of the highest order. But we
+will be as lenient to you as we are able, and give you one more
+chance to retrieve yourself. We will try a little <i>viva voce</i>,
+Mr. Pucker. Perhaps, sir, you will favour me with your opinions on
+the Fourth Punic War, and will also give me a slight sketch of the
+constitution of ancient Heliopolis."</p>
+<p>Mr. Pucker waxed, if possible, redder and hotter than before[,]
+he gasped like a fish out of water; and, like Dryden's prince,
+"unable to conceal his pain," he</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"Sigh'd and look'd, sigh'd and look'd,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Sigh'd and look'd, and sigh'd again."</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>But all was to no purpose: he was unable to frame an answer to
+Mr. Fosbrooke's questions.</p>
+<p>"Ah, sir," continued his tormentor, "I see that you will not do
+for us yet awhile, and I am therefore under the painful necessity
+of rejecting you. I should advise you, sir, to read hard for
+another twelvemonths, and endeavour to master those subjects in
+which you have now failed. For, a young man, Mr. Pucker, who knows
+nothing about the Fourth Punic War, and the constitution of ancient
+Heliopolis, is quite unfit to be enrolled among the members of such
+a learned college as Brazenface. Mr. Pluckem quite coincides with
+me in this decision." (Here Mr. Verdant Green gave a Burleigh nod.)
+"We feel very sorry for you, Mr. Pucker, and also for your
+unfortunate family; but we recommend you to add to your present
+stock of knowledge, and to keep those visiting-cards for another
+twelvemonth." And Mr. Fosbrooke and our hero - disregarding poor
+Mr. Pucker's entreaties that they would consider his pa and ma, and
+would please to matriculate him this once, and he would read very
+hard, indeed he would - turned to Mr. Bouncer and gave some private
+instructions, which caused that gentleman immediately to vanish,
+and seek out Mr. Robert Filcher.</p>
+<p>Five minutes after, that excellent Scout met the dejected Mr.
+Pucker as he was crossing the Quad on his way from Mr. Fosbrooke's
+rooms.</p>
+<p>"Beg your pardon, sir," said Mr. Filcher, touching his forehead;
+for, as Mr. Filcher, after the manner of his tribe, never was seen
+in a head-covering, he was unable to raise his hat or cap; "beg
+your pardon, sir! but was you a lookin' for the party as examines
+the young gents for their matrickylation?"</p>
+<p>"Eh? - no! I have just come from him," replied Mr. Pucker,
+dolefully.</p>
+<p>"Beg your pardon, sir," remarked Mr. Filcher, "but his rooms
+ain't that way at all. Mr. Slowcoach, as is the party you
+<i>ought</i> to have seed, has <i>his</i> rooms quite in a
+hopposite direction, sir; and he's the honly party as examines the
+matrickylatin' gents."</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Robert Filcher disabuses Mr. Pucker of the deception***"
+src="images/VG133.JPG" width="307" height="353" /></p>
+<p>"But I <i>have</i> been examined," observed Mr. Pucker, with the
+air of a plucked man; "and I am sorry to
+say that I was rejected, and" -</p>
+<p>"I dessay, sir," interrupted Mr. Filcher; "but I think it's a
+'oax, sir!"</p>
+<p>"A what?" stammered Mr. Pucker.</p>
+<p>"A 'oax - a sell;" replied the Scout confidentially. "You see,
+sir, I think some of the gents have been makin' a little game of
+you, sir; they often does with fresh parties like you, sir, that
+seem fresh and hinnocent like; and I dessay they've been makin'
+believe to examine you, sir, and a pretendin' that you wasn't
+clever enough. But they don't mean no harm, sir; it's only their
+play, bless you!"</p>
+<p>"Then," said Mr. Pucker, whose countenance had been gradually
+clearing with every word the Scout spoke; "then I'm not really
+rejected, but have still a chance of passing my examination?"</p>
+<p>"Percisely so, sir," replied Mr. Filcher; "and - hexcuse me,
+sir, for a hintin' of it to you, - but, if you would let me adwise
+you, sir, you wouldn't go for to mention anythin' about the 'oax to
+Mr. Slowcoach; <i>he</i> wouldn't be pleased, sir, and <i>you'd</i>
+only get laughed at. If you like to go to him now, sir, I know he's
+in his rooms, and I'll show you the way there with the greatest of
+pleasure."</p>
+<p>Mr. Pucker, immensely relieved in mind, gladly put himself under
+the Scout's guidance, and was admitted into the presence of Mr.
+Slowcoach. In twenty minutes after this he issued from the
+examining tutor's rooms with a joyful countenance, and again
+encountered Mr. Robert Filcher.</p>
+<p>"Hope you've done the job this time, sir," said the Scout.</p>
+<p>"Yes," replied the radiant Mr. Pucker; "and at two o'clock I am
+to see the Vice-Chancellor; and I shall be able to come to college
+this time next year."</p>
+<p>"Werry glad of it, indeed, sir!" observed Mr. Filcher, with
+genuine emotion, and an eye to future perquisites; "and I suppose,
+sir, you didn't say a word about the 'oax?"</p>
+<p>"Not a word!" replied Mr. Pucker.</p>
+<p>"Then, sir," said Mr. Filcher, with enthusiasm, "hexcuse me, but
+you're a trump, sir! And Mr. Fosbrooke's compliments to you, sir,
+and he'll be 'appy if you'll come up into his rooms, and take a
+glass of wine after the fatigues of the examination. And, - hexcuse
+me again, sir, for a hintin' of it to you, but of course you can't
+be aweer of the customs of the place, unless somebody tells you on
+'em, - I shall be werry glad to drink your werry good health,
+sir."</p>
+<p>Need it be stated that the blushing Mr. Pucker, delirious with
+joy at the sudden change in the state of affairs, and the
+delightful prospect of being a member of the University, not only
+tipped Mr. Filcher a five-shilling piece, but also paid a second
+visit to Mr. Fosbrooke's rooms, where he found that gentleman in
+his usual costume, and by him was introduced to the Mr. Pluckem,
+who now bore the name of Mr. Verdant Green? Need it be stated that
+the nervous Mr. Pucker blushed and laughed, and laughed and
+blushed, while his two pseudo-examiners took wine with him in the
+most friendly manner; Mr. Bouncer pronouncing him to be "an
+out-and-outer, and no mistake!" And need it be stated that, after
+this undergraduate display of hoaxing, Mr. Verdant Green would feel
+exceedingly offended were he still to be called "an Oxford
+Freshman?"</p>
+<a name="ch2.3" id="ch2.3"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents2">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER III.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN ENDEAVOURS TO KEEP HIS SPIRITS UP BY POURING
+SPIRITS DOWN.</h4>
+<p>IT was the evening of the fifth of November; the day which the
+Protestant youth of England dedicate to the memory of that martyr
+of gunpowder, the firework Faux, and which the youth of Oxford, by
+a three months' anticipation of the calendar, devote to the
+celebration of those scholastic sports for which the day of St.
+Scholastica the Virgin was once so famous. <font color=
+"#FF0000">[23]</font></p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[23] Town and Gown disturbances are of considerable antiquity.
+Fuller and Matthew Paris give accounts of some which occurred as
+early as the year 1238. These disputes not unfrequently terminated
+fatally to some of the combatants. One of the most serious Town and
+Gown rows on record took place on the day of St. Scholastica the
+Virgin, February 10th, 1345, when several lives were lost on either
+side. The University was at that time in the Lincoln diocese; and
+Grostete, the Bishop, placed the townspeople under an interdict,
+from which they were not released till 1357, and then only on
+condition that the mayor and sixty of the chief burgesses should,
+on every anniversary of the day of St. Scholastica, attend St.
+Mary's Church and offer up mass for the souls of the slain
+scholars; and should also individually present an offering of one
+penny at the high altar. They, moreover, paid a yearly fine of 100
+marks to the University, with the penalty of an additional fine of
+the same sum for every omission in attending at St. Mary's. This
+continued up to the time of the Reformation, when it gradually fell
+into abeyance. In the fifteenth year of Elizabeth, however, the
+University asserted their claim to all arrears. The matter being
+brought to trial, it was decided that the town should continue the
+annual fine and penance, though the arrears were forgiven. The fine
+was yearly paid on the 10th of February up to our own time: the
+mayor and chief burgesses attended at St. Mary's, and made the
+offering at the conclusion of the litany, which, on that occasion,
+was read from the altar. This was at length put an end to by
+Convocation in the year 1825.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>Rumour with its hundred tongues had spread far and wide the
+news, that a more than ordinary demonstration would be made of the
+might of Town, and that this demonstration would be met by a
+corresponding increase of prowess on the side of Gown. It was
+darkly whispered that the purlieus of Jericho would send forth
+champions to the fight. It was mentioned that the Parish of St.
+Thomas would be powerfully represented by its Bargee lodgers. It
+was confidently reported that St. Aldate's <font color=
+"#FF0000">[24]</font> would come forth in all its olden strength.
+It was told as a fact that St. Clement's had departed from the
+spirit of clemency, and was up in arms. From an early hour of the
+evening, the Townsmen had gathered in threatening groups; and their
+determined aspect, and words of chaff, had told of the coming
+storm. It was to be a tremendous Town and Gown!</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[24] Corrupted by Oxford pronunciation (which makes Magdalen
+<i>Maudlin</i>) into St. <i>Old's</i>.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>The Poet has forcibly observed-</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"Strange that there should such diff'rence be,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>'Twixt Tweedledum and Tweedledee!"</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>But the difference between Town and Gown, is not to be classed
+with the Tweedledum and Tweedledee difference. It is something more
+than a mere difference of two letters. The lettered Gown lorded it
+over the unlettered Town: the plebeian Town was perpetually snubbed
+by the aristocratic Gown. If Gown even wished to associate with
+Town, he could only do so under certain restrictions imposed by the
+statutes; and Town was thus made to feel exceedingly honoured by
+the gracious condescension of Gown. But Town, moreover, maintained
+its existence, that it might contribute to the pleasure and
+amusements, the needs and necessities, of Gown. And very
+expensively was Town occasionally made to pay for its existence; so
+expensively indeed, that if it had not been for the great interest
+which Town assumed on Gown's account, the former's business-life
+would have soon failed. But, on many accounts, or rather, <i>in</i>
+many accounts, Gown was deeply indebted to Town; and, although Gown
+was often loth to own the obligation, yet Town never forgot it, but
+always placed it to Gown's credit. Occasionally, in his early
+freshness, Gown would seek to compensate Town for his obliging
+favours; but Town would gently run counter to this wish, and
+preferred that the evidences of Gown's friendly intercourse with
+him should accumulate, until he could, with renewed interest (as we
+understand from the authority of an aged pun), obtain his payments
+by Degrees.</p>
+<p>When Gown was absent, Town was miserable: it was dull; it did
+nothing; it lost its customer-y application to business. When Gown
+returned, there was no small change, - the benefit was a sovereign
+one to Town. Notes, too, passed between them; of which, those
+received by Town were occasionally of intrinsic value. Town thanked
+Gown for these, - even thanked him when his civility had only been
+met by checks, - and smirked, and fawned, and flattered; and Gown
+patronised Town, and was offensively condescending. What a relief
+then must it have been to the pent-up feelings of Town, when the
+Saturnalia of a Guy-Faux day brought its usual license, and Town
+could stand up against Gown and try a game of fisticuffs! And if,
+when there was a cry "To arms!" we could always settle the dispute
+in an English fashion with those arms with which we have been
+supplied by nature, there would then, perhaps, be fewer weeping
+widows and desolate orphans in the world than there are just at
+present.</p>
+<p>On the evening of the fifth of November, then, Mr. Bouncer's
+rooms were occupied by a wine-party; and, among the gentlemen
+assembled, we noticed (as newspaper reporters say), Mr. Verdant
+Green, Mr. Charles Larkyns, Mr. Fosbrooke, Mr. Smalls, and Mr.
+Blades. The table was liberally supplied with wine; and a "dessert
+at eighteen-pence per head," - as Mr. Bouncer would afterwards be
+informed through the medium of his confectioner's bill; - and,
+while an animated conversation was being held on the expected Town
+and Gown, the party were fortifying themselves for the
+<i>emeute</i> by a rapid consumption of the liquids before them.
+Our hero, and some of the younger ones of the party, who had not
+yet left off their juvenile likings, were hard at work at the
+dessert in that delightful, disregardless-of-dyspepsia manner, in
+which boys so love to indulge, even when they have passed into
+University <i>men</i>. As usual, the <i>bouquet</i> of the wine was
+somewhat interfered with by those narcotic odours, which, to a
+smoker, are as the gales of Araby the Blest.</p>
+<p>Mr. Blades was conspicuous among the party, not only from his
+dimensions, - or, as he phrased it, from "his breadth of beam," -
+but also from his free-and-easy costume. "To get himself into
+wind," as he alleged, Mr. Blades had just been knocking the wind
+out of the Honourable Flexible Shanks (youngest son of the Earl of
+Buttonhole), a Tuft from Christ Church, who had left his luxurious
+rooms in the Canterbury Quad chiefly for the purpose of preparing
+himself for the forthcoming Town and Gown, by putting on the gloves
+with his boating friend. The bout having terminated by Mr. Flexible
+Shanks having been sent backwards into a tray of wine-glasses with
+which Mr. Filcher was just entering the room, the gloves were put
+aside, and the combatants had an amicable set-to at a bottle of
+Carbonell's "Forty-four," which Mr. Bouncer brought out of a
+wine-closet in his bed-room for their especial delectation. Mr.
+Blades, who was of opinion that, in dress, ease should always be
+consulted before elegance, had not resumed that part of his attire
+of which he had divested himself for fistianic purposes; and, with
+a greater display of linen than is usually to be seen in society,
+was seated comfortably in a lounging chair, smoking the pipe of
+peace. Since he had achieved the proud feat of placing the
+Brazenface boat at the head of the river, Mr. Blades had gained
+increased renown, more especially in his own college, where he was
+regarded in the light of a tutelary river deity; and, as training
+was not going on, he was now enabled to indulge in a second glass
+of wine, and also in the luxury of a cigar. Mr. Blades'
+shirt-sleeves were turned up so as to display the anatomical
+proportion of his arms; and little Mr. Bouncer, with the grave
+aspect of a doctor feeling a pulse, was engaged in fingering his
+deltoid and biceps muscles, and in uttering panegyrics on his
+friend's torso-of-Hercules condition.</p>
+<p>"My gum, Billy!" (it must be observed, <i>en passant</i>, that,
+although the name given to Mr. Blades at an early age was Frank,
+yet that when he was not called "old Blades," he was always
+addressed as "Billy," - it being a custom which has obtained in
+universities, that wrong names should be familiarly given to
+certain gentlemen, more as a mark of friendly intimacy than of
+derision or caprice.) "My gum, Billy!" observed Mr. Bouncer,
+"you're as hard as nails! What an extensive assortment of muscles
+you've got on hand, - to say nothing about the arms. I wish I'd got
+such a good stock in trade for our customers to-night; I'd soon
+sarve 'em out, and make 'em sing peccavi."</p>
+<p>"The fact is," said Mr. Flexible Shanks, who was leaning smoking
+against the mantelpiece behind him, "Billy is like a respectable
+family of bivalves - he is nothing but mussels."</p>
+<p>"Or like an old Turk," joined in Mr. Bouncer, "for he's a
+regular Mussulman."</p>
+<p>"Oh! Shanks! Bouncer!" cried Charles Larkyns, "what stale jokes!
+Do open the window, somebody, - it's really offensive."</p>
+<p>"Ah!" said Mr. Blades, modestly, "you only just wait till
+Footelights brings the Pet, and then you'll see real muscles."</p>
+<p>"It was rather a good move," said Mr. Cheke, a gentleman
+Commoner of Corpus, who was lounging in an easy chair, smoking a
+meerschaum through an elastic tube a yard long, - "it was rather a
+good move of yours, Fossy," he said, addressing himself to Mr.
+Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, "to secure the Pet's services. The feller
+will do us some service, and will astonish the <i>oi polloi</i> no
+end."</p>
+<p>"Oh! how prime it <i>will</i> be," cried little Mr. Bouncer, in
+ecstacies with the prospect before him, "to see the Pet pitching
+into the cads, and walking into their small affections with his
+one, two, three! And don't I just pity them when he gets them into
+Chancery! Were you ever in Chancery, Giglamps?"</p>
+<p>"No, indeed!" replied the innocent Mr. Verdant Green; "and I
+hope that I shall always keep out of it: lawsuits are "so very
+disagreeable and expensive."</p>
+<p>Mr. Bouncer had only time to remark <i>sotto voce</i> to Mr.
+Flexible Shanks, "it is so jolly refreshing to take a rise out of
+old Giglamps!" when a knock at the oak was heard; and, as Mr.
+Bouncer roared out, "Come in!" the knocker entered. He was rather
+dressy in his style of costume, and wore his long dark hair parted
+in the middle. Opening the door, and striking into an attitude, he
+exclaimed in a theatrical tone and manner: "Scene, Mr. Bouncer's
+rooms in Brazenface: in the centre a table, at which Mr. B. and
+party are discovered drinking log-juice, and smoking
+cabbage-leaves. Door, left, third entrance; enter the Putney Pet.
+Slow music; lights half-down." And standing on one side, the
+speaker motioned to a second gentleman to enter the room.</p>
+<p>There was no mistaking the profession of this gentleman; even
+the inexperience of Mr. Verdant Green did not require to be
+informed that the Putney Pet was a prizefighter. "Bruiser" was
+plainly written in his personal appearance, from his hard-featured,
+low-browed, battered, hang-dog face, to his thickset frame, and the
+powerful muscular development of the upper part of his person. His
+close-cropped thatch of hair was brushed down tightly to his head,
+but was permitted to burst into the luxuriance of two small
+ringlets, which dangled in front of each huge ear, and were as
+carefully curled and oiled as though they had graced the face of
+beauty. The Pet was attired in a dark olive-green cutaway coat,
+buttoned over a waistcoat of a violent-coloured plaid, - a pair of
+white cord trousers that fitted tightly to the leg, - and a
+white-spotted blue handkerchief, which was twisted round a neck
+that might have served as a model for the Minotaur's. In his mouth,
+the Pet cherished, according to his wont, a sprig of parsley; small
+fragments of which herb he was accustomed to chew and spit out, as
+a pleasing relief to the monotony of conversation.
+</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: The Putney Pet is introduced by Mr. Foote to those assembled in Mr. Bouncer's rooms***"
+src="images/VG139.JPG" width="511" height="428" /></p>
+<p>The Pet, after having been proclaimed victor in more than one of
+those playfully frolicsome "Frolics of the Fancy," in which nobly
+born but ignobly-minded "Corinthians" formerly invested so much
+interest and money, had at length matched his powers against the
+gentleman who bore the title of "the champion of the ring"; but,
+after a protracted contest of two hours and a half, in which one
+hundred and nineteen rounds had been fought, the Pet's eyes had
+been completely closed up by an amusing series of blows from the
+heavy fists of the more skilful champion; and as the Pet, moreover,
+was so battered and bruised, and was altogether so "groggy" that he
+was barely able to stand up to be knocked down, his humane second
+had thrown up the sponge in acknowledgment of his defeat. But
+though unable to deprive the champion of his belt, yet - as
+<i>Tintinnabulum's Life</i> informed its readers on the following
+Sunday, in its report of this "matchless encounter," - the Putney
+Pet had "established a reputation;" and a reputation <i>is</i> a
+reputation, even though it be one which may be offensive to the
+nostrils. Retiring, therefore, from the more active public duties
+of his profession, he took unto himself a wife and a beershop, -
+for it seems to be a freak of "the Fancy," when they retire from
+one public line to go into another, - and placing the former in
+charge of the latter, the Pet came forth to the world as a
+"Professor of the noble art of Self-defence."</p>
+<p>It was in this phase of his existence, that Mr. Fosbrooke had
+the pleasure of forming his acquaintance. Mr. Fosbrooke had
+received a card, which intimated that the Pet would have great
+pleasure in giving him "<i>lessons in the noble and manly art of
+Self-defence, either at the gentleman's own residence, or at the
+Pet's spacious Sparring Academy, 5, Cribb Court, Drury Lane, which
+is fitted up with every regard to the comfort and convenience of
+his pupils. Gloves are provided. N.B. - Ratting sports at the above
+crib every evening. Plenty of rats always on hand. Use of the Pit
+gratis.</i>" Mr. Fosbrooke, having come to the wise conclusion that
+every Englishman ought to know how to be able to use his fists in
+case of need, and being quite of the opinion of the gentleman who
+said: - "my son should even learn to box, for do we not meet with
+imposing toll-keepers, and insolent cabmen? and, as he can't call
+them out, he should be able to knock them down," <font color=
+"#FF0000">[25]</font> at once put himself under the Pet's tuition;
+and, as we have before seen, still kept up his practice with the
+gloves, when he had got to his own rooms at Brazenface.</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[25] "A Bachelor of Arts", Act I.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>But the Pet had other Oxford pupils than Mr. Fosbrooke; and he
+took such an affectionate interest in their welfare, that he came
+down from Town two or three times in each term, to see if his
+pupils' practice had made them perfect in the art. One of the Pet's
+pupils, was the gentleman who had now introduced him to Mr.
+Bouncer's rooms. His name was Foote, but he was commonly called
+"Footelights;" the addition having been made to his name by way of
+<i>sobriquet</i> to express his unusual fondness for the stage,
+which amounted to so great a passion, that his very conversation
+was redolent of "the footlights." He had only been at St. John's a
+couple of terms, and Mr. Fosbrooke had picked up his acquaintance
+through the medium of the Pet, and had afterwards made him known to
+most of the men who were now assembled at Mr. Bouncer's wine.</p>
+<p>"Your servant, gents!" said the Pet, touching his forehead, and
+making a scrape with his leg, by way of salutation.</p>
+<p>"Hullo, Pet!" returned Mr. Bouncer; "bring yourself to an
+anchor, my man." The Pet accordingly anchored himself by dropping
+on to the edge of a chair, and placing his hat underneath it; while
+Huz and Buz smelt suspiciously round his legs, and looked at him
+with an expression of countenance which bore a wonderful
+resemblance to that which they gazed upon.</p>
+<p>"Never mind the dogs; they're amiable little beggars," observed
+Mr. Bouncer, "and they never bite any one except in play. Now then,
+Pet, what sort of liquors are you given to? Here are Claret
+liquors, Port liquors, Sherry liquors, egg-flip liquors, Cup
+liquors. You pays your money, and you takes your choice!</p>
+<p>"Well, sir, thankee!" replied the Pet, "I ain't no ways
+pertikler, but if you <i>have</i> sich a thing as a glass o'
+sperrits, I'd prefer that - if not objectionable."</p>
+<p>"In course not, Pet! always call for what you like. We keep all
+sorts of liquors, and are allowed to get drunk on the premises.
+Ain't we, Giglamps?" Firing this raking shot as he passed our hero,
+little Mr. Bouncer dived into the cupboard which served as his
+wine-bin, and brought therefrom two bottles of brandy and whiskey
+which he set before the Pet. "If you like gin or rum, or
+cherry-brandy, or old old-tom, better than these liquors," said Mr.
+Bouncer, astonishing the Pet with the resources of a College
+wine-cellar, "just say the word, and you shall have them. 'I can
+call spirits from the vasty deep;' as Shikspur says. How will you
+take it, Pet? Neat, or adulterated? Are you for <i>callidum
+cum</i>, or <i>frigidum sine</i> - for hot-with, or
+cold-without?"</p>
+<p>"I generally takes my sperrits 'ot, sir - if not objectionable,"
+replied the Pet deferentially. Whereupon Mr. Bouncer seizing his
+speaking-trumpet, roared through it from the top of the stairs,
+"Rob-ert! Rob-ert!" But, as Mr. Filcher did not answer the summons,
+Mr. Bouncer threw up the window of his room, and bellowed out
+"Rob-ert" in tones which must have been perfectly audible in the
+High Street. "Doose take the feller, he's always over at the
+Buttery;" said the incensed gentleman.</p>
+<p>"I'll go up to old Sloe's room, and get his kettle," said Mr.
+Smalls; "he teas all day long to keep himself awake for reading. If
+he don't mind, he'll blow himself up with his gunpowder tea before
+he can take his double-first."</p>
+<p>By the time Mr. Smalls had re-appeared with the kettle, Mr.
+Filcher had thought it prudent to answer his master's summons.</p>
+<p>"Did you call, sir?" asked the scout, as though he was doubtful
+on that point.</p>
+<p>"Call!" said Mr. Bouncer, with great irony; "oh, no! of course
+not! I should rather think not! Do you suppose that you are kept
+here that parties may have the chance of hollering out their lungs
+for you? Don't answer me, sir! but get some hot water, and some
+more glasses; and be quick about it." Mr. Filcher was gone
+immediately; and, in three minutes, everything was settled to Mr.
+Bouncer's satisfaction, and he gave Mr. Filcher farther orders to
+bring up coffee and anchovy toast, at half-past eight o'clock.
+"Now, Pet, my beauty!" said the little
+gentleman, "you just walk into the liquors; because you've got some
+toughish work before you, you know."</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: The Putney Pet takes the drink offered to him***" src=
+"images/VG142.JPG" width="354" height="288" /></p>
+<p>The Pet did not require any pressing, but did as he was told;
+and, bestowing a collective nod on the company, drank their healths
+with the prefatory remark, "I looks to-<i>wards</i> you gents!"</p>
+<p>"Will you poke a smipe, Pet?" asked Mr. Bouncer, rather
+enigmatically; but, as he at the same time placed before Pet a
+"yard of clay" and a box of cigars, the professor of the art of
+self-defence perceived that he was asked to smoke a pipe.</p>
+<p>"That's right, Pet!" said the Honourable Flexible Shanks,
+condescendingly, as the prizefighter scientifically filled the bowl
+of his pipe; "I'm glad to see you join us in a bit of smoke. We're
+all <i>Baccy</i>-nalians now!"</p>
+<p>"Shanks, you're incorrigible!" said Charles Larkyns; "and don't
+you remember what the <i>Oxford Parodies</i> say?" and in his
+clear, rich voice, Mr. Larkyns sang the two following verses to the
+air of "Love not:"-</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>Smoke not, smoke not, your weeds nor pipes of clay;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Cigars they are made from leaves of cauliflowers;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Things that are doomed no duty e'er to pay;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Grown, made, and smoked in a few short hours.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p align="right">Smoke not - smoke not!</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Smoke not, smoke not, the weed you smoke may change</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>The healthfulness of your stomachic tone;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Things to the eye grow queer and passing strange;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>All thoughts seem undefined - save one - to be alone!</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p align="right">Smoke not - smoke not!</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>"I know what you're thinking about, Giglamps," said Mr. Bouncer,
+as Charles Larkyns ceased his parody amid an approving clatter of
+glasses; "you were thinking of your first weed on the night of
+Smalls' quiet party: wer'nt you now, old feller? Ah, you've learnt
+to poke a smipe, beautiful, since then. Pet, here's your health.
+I'll give you a toast and s<i>i</i>ntiment, gentlemen. May the Gown
+give the Town a jolly good hiding!" The sentiment was received with
+great applause, and the toast was drunk with all the honours, and
+followed by the customary but inappropriate chorus, "For he's a
+jolly good fellow!" without the singing of which Mr. Bouncer could
+not allow any toast to pass.</p>
+<p>"How many cads could you lick at once, one off and the other
+on?" asked Mr. Fosbrooke of the Pet, with the air of Boswell when
+he wanted to draw out the Doctor.</p>
+<p>"Well, sir," said the Pet, with the modesty of true genius, "I
+wouldn't be pertickler to a score or so, as long as I'd got my back
+well up agin some'ut, and could hit out."</p>
+<p>"What an effective tableau it would be!" observed Mr. Foote, who
+had always an eye to dramatic situations. "Enter the Pet, followed
+by twenty townspeople. First T.P. - Yield, traitor! Pet - Never!
+the man who would yield when ordered to do so, is unworthy the name
+of a Pet and an Englishman! Floors the twenty T.P.'s one after the
+other. Tableau, blue fire. Why, it would surpass the British
+sailor's broadsword combat for six, and bring down the house."</p>
+<p>"Talking of bringing down", said Mr. Blades, "did you remember
+to bring down a cap and gown for the Pet, as I told you?"</p>
+<p>"Well, I believe those <i>were</i> the stage directions,"
+answered Mr. Foote; "but, really, the wardrobe was so ill provided
+that it would only supply a cap. But perhaps that will do for a
+super."</p>
+<p>"If by a super you mean a supernumerary, Footelights," said Mr.
+Cheke, the gentleman Commoner of Corpus, "then the Pet isn't one.
+He's the leading character of what you would call the <i>dramatis
+personae.</i>"</p>
+<p>"True," replied Mr. Foote, "he's cast for the hero; though he
+will create a new <i>role</i> as the walking-into-them
+gentleman."</p>
+<p>"You see, Footelights," said Mr. Blades, "that the Pet is to
+lead our forces; and we depend upon him to help us on to victory:
+and we must put him into academicals, not only because the town
+cads must think he is one of us, but also because the proctors
+might otherwise deprive us of his services - and old Towzer, the
+Senior Proctor, in particular, is sure to be all alive. Who's got
+an old gown?"</p>
+<p>"I will lend mine with pleasure," said Mr. Verdant Green.</p>
+<p>"But you'll want it yourself," said Mr. Blades.</p>
+<p>"Why, thank you," faltered our hero, "I'd rather, I think, keep
+within college. I can see the - the fun - yes, the fun - from the
+window."</p>
+<p>"Oh, blow it, Giglamps!" ejaculated Mr. Bouncer, "you'll never
+go to do the mean, and show the white feather, will you?"</p>
+<p>"Music expressive of trepidation," murmured Mr. Foote, by way of
+parenthesis.</p>
+<p>"But," pursued our hero, apologetically, "there will be, I dare
+say, a large crowd."</p>
+<p>"A very powerful <i>caste</i>[sic], no doubt," observed Mr.
+Foote.</p>
+<p>"And I may get my - yes, my spectacles broken; and then" -</p>
+<p>"And then, Giglamps," said Mr. Bouncer, "why, and then you shall
+be presented with another pair as a testimonial of affection from
+yours truly. Come, Giglamps, don't do the mean! a man of your
+standing, and with a chest like that!" and the little gentleman
+sounded on our hero's shirt-front, as doctors do when they
+stethoscope a patient. "Come, Giglamps, old feller, you mustn't
+refuse. You didn't ought to was, as Shakespeare says."</p>
+<p>"Pardon me! Not Shakespeare, but Wright, in the 'Green Bushes,'
+" interrupted Mr. Foote, who was as painfully anxious as Mr. Payne
+Collier himself that the text of the great poet should be free from
+corruptions.</p>
+<p>So Mr. Verdant Green, reluctantly, it must be confessed,
+suffered himself to be persuaded to join that section of the Gown
+which was to be placed under the leadership of the redoubted Pet;
+while little Mr. Bouncer, who had gone up into Mr. Sloe's rooms,
+and had vainly endeavoured to persuade that gentleman to join in
+the forthcoming <i>melee</i>, returned with an undergraduate's
+gown, and forthwith invested the Pet with it.</p>
+<p>"I don't mind this 'ere mortar-board, sir," remarked the
+professor of the noble art of self-defence, as he pointed to the
+academical cap which surmounted his head, "I don't mind the
+mortar-board, sir; but I shall never be able to do nothink with
+this 'ere toggery on my shudders. I couldn't use my mawleys no
+how!" And the Pet illustrated his remark in a professional manner,
+by sparring at an imaginary opponent in a feeble and unscientific
+fashion.</p>
+<p>"But you can tie the tail-curtain round your shoulders - like
+this!" said Mr. Fosbrooke, as he twisted his own gown tightly round
+him.</p>
+<p>But the Pet had taken a decided objection to the drapery: "The
+costume would interfere with the action," as Mr. Foote remarked,
+"and the management of a train requires great practice."</p>
+<p>"You see, sir," said the Pet, "I ain't used to the feel of it,
+and I couldn't go to business properly, or give a straight nosender
+no how. But the mortar-board ain't of so much consekvence." So a
+compromise was made; and it was agreed that the Pet was to wear the
+academicals until he had arrived at the scene of action, where he
+could then pocket the gown, and resume it on any alarm of the
+Proctor's approach.</p>
+<p>"Here, Giglamps, old feller! get a priming of fighting-powder!"
+said little Mr. Bouncer to our hero, as the party were on the point
+of sallying forth; "it'll make you hit out from your shoulder like
+a steam-engine with the chill off." And, as Mr. Bouncer whispered
+to Charles Larkyns,</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"So he kept his spirits up</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>By pouring spirits down,"</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>Verdant - who felt extremely nervous, either from excitement or
+from fear, or from a pleasing mixture of both sensations-drank off
+a deep draught of something which was evidently not drawn from
+Nature's spring or the college pump; for it first took away his
+breath, and made his eyes water; and it next made him cough, and
+endeavour to choke himself; and it then made his face flush, and
+caused him to declare that "the first snob who 'sulted him should
+have a sound whopping".</p>
+<p>"Brayvo, Giglamps!" cried little Mr. Bouncer, as he patted him
+on the shoulder; "come along! You're the right sort of fellow for a
+Town and Gown, after all!"</p>
+<a name="ch2.4" id="ch2.4"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents2">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER IV.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN DISCOVERS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TOWN AND
+GOWN.</h4>
+<p>IT was ten minutes past nine, and Tom, <font color=
+"#FF0000">[26]</font> with a sonorous voice, was ordering all
+College gates to be shut, when the wine party, which had just left
+Mr. Bouncer's room, passed round the corner of St. Mary's, and
+dashed across the High. The Town and Gown had already begun.</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[26] The great bell of Christ Church. It tolls 101 times each
+evening at ten minutes past nine o'clock (there being 101 students
+on the foundation) and marks the time for the closing of the
+college gates. "Tom" is one of the lions of Oxford. It formerly
+belonged to Oseney Abbey, and weighs about 17,000 pounds, being
+more than double the weight of the great bell of St. Paul's.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>As usual, the Town had taken the initiative; and, in a dense
+body, had made their customary sweep of the High Street, driving
+all before them. After this gallant exploit had been accomplished
+to the entire satisfaction of the oppidans, the Town had separated
+into two or three portions, which had betaken themselves to the
+most probable fighting points, and had gone where glory waited
+them, thirsting for the blood, or, at any rate, for the bloody
+noses of the gowned aristocrats. Woe betide the luckless gownsman,
+who, on such an occasion, ventures abroad without an escort, or
+trusts to his own unassisted powers to defend himself! He is
+forthwith pounced upon by some score of valiant Townsmen, who are
+on the watch for these favourable opportunities for a display of
+their personal prowess, and he may consider himself very fortunate
+if he is able to get back to his College with nothing worse than
+black eyes and bruises. It is so seldom that the members of the
+Oxford snobocracy have the privilege afforded them of using their
+fists on the faces and persons of the members of the Oxford
+aristocracy, that when they <i>do</i> get the chance, they are
+unwilling to let it slip through their fingers. Dark tales have,
+indeed, been told, of solitary and unoffending undergraduates
+having, on such occasions, not only received a severe handling from
+those same fingers, but also having been afterwards, through their
+agency, bound by their own leading strings to the rails of the
+Radcliffe, and there left ignominiously to struggle, and shout for
+assistance. And darker tales still have been told of luckless
+Gownsmen having been borne "leg and wing" fashion to the very banks
+of the Isis, and there ducked, amidst the jeers and taunts of their
+persecutors. But such tales as these are of too dreadful a nature
+for the conversation of Gownsmen, and are very properly believed to
+be myths scandalously propagated by the Town.</p>
+<p>The crescent moon shone down on Mr. Bouncer's party, and gave
+ample light</p>
+<center>To light <i>them</i> on <i>their</i> prey.</center>
+<p>A noise and shouting, - which quickly made our hero's
+Bob-Acreish resolutions ooze out at his fingers' ends, - was heard
+coming from the direction of Oriel Street; and a small knot of
+Gownsmen, who had been cut off from a larger body, appeared,
+manfully retreating with their faces to the foe, fighting as they
+fell back, but driven by superior numbers up the narrow street, by
+St. Mary's Hall, and past the side of Spiers's shop into the High
+Street.</p>
+<p>"Gown to the rescue!" shouted Mr. Blades as he dashed across the
+street; "come on, Pet! here we are in the thick of it, just in the
+nick of time!" and, closely followed by Charles Larkyns, Mr.
+Fosbrooke, Mr. Smalls, Mr. Bouncer, Mr. Flexible Shanks, Mr. Cheke,
+Mr. Foote, and our hero, and the rest of the party, they soon
+plunged <i>in medias res</i>.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Oriel Street full of brawlers***" src="images/VG147.JPG"
+width="284" height="493" /></p>
+<p>The movement was particularly well-timed, for the small
+body of Gownsmen were beginning to get
+roughly handled; but the succour afforded by the Pet and his party
+soon changed the aspect of affairs; and, after a brief skirmish,
+there was a temporary cessation of hostilities. As reinforcements
+poured in on either side, the mob which represented the Town,
+wavered, and spread themselves across on each side of the High;
+while a huge, lumbering bargeman, who appeared to be the
+generalissimo of their forces, delivered himself of a brief but
+energetic speech, in which he delivered his opinion of Gownsmen in
+general, and his immediate foes in particular, in a way which would
+have to be expressed in proper print chiefly by blanks, and which
+would have assuredly entailed upon him a succession of
+five-shilling fines, had he been in a court of justice, and before
+a magistrate.</p>
+<p>"Here's a pretty blank, I don't think!" he observed in
+conclusion, as he pointed to Mr. Verdant Green, who was nervously
+settling his spectacles, and wishing himself safe back in his own
+rooms; "I would'nt give a blank for such a blank blank. I'm blank
+if he don't look as though he'd swaller'd a blank codfish, and had
+bust out into blank barnacles!" As the Bargee was apparently
+regarded by his party as a gentleman of infinite humour, his
+highly-flavoured blank remarks were received by them with shouts of
+laughter; while our hero obtained far more of the <i>digito
+monstrari</i> share of public notice than he wished for.</p>
+<p>For some brief space, the warfare between the rival parties of
+Town and Gown continued to be one merely of words - a mutual
+discharge of <i>epea pteroenta</i> (<i>vulgariter</i> "chaff"), in
+which a small amount of sarcasm was mingled with a large share of
+vituperation. At length, a slang rhyme of peculiar offensiveness
+was used to a Wadham gentleman, which so exasperated him that he
+immediately, by way of a forcible reply, sent his fist full into
+the speaker's face. On this, a collision took place between those
+who formed the outside of the crowd; and the Gowns flocked together
+to charge <i>en masse</i>. Mr. Verdant Green was not quite aware of
+this sudden movement, and, for a moment, was cut off from the
+rest.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt="***Image: A melee of fisticuffs***"
+src="images/VG148.JPG" width="535" height="285" /></p>
+<p>This did not escape the eyes of the valiant Bargee, who had
+already singled out our hero as the one
+whom he could most easily punish, with the least chance of getting
+quick returns for his small profits. Forthwith, therefore, he
+rushed to his victim, and aimed a heavy blow at him, which Verdant
+only half avoided by stooping. Instinctively doubling his fists,
+our hero found that Necessity was, indeed, the mother of Invention;
+and, with a passing thought of what would be his mother's and Aunt
+Virginia's feelings could they see him fighting in the public
+streets with a common bargeman, he contrived to guard off the
+second blow. But at the next furious [lunge] of the Bargee he was
+not quite so fortunate, and, receiving that gentleman's heavy fist
+full in his forehead, he staggered backwards, and was only
+prevented from measuring his length on the pavement by falling
+against the iron gates of St. Mary's. The delighted Bargee was just
+on the point of putting the <i>coup de grace</i> to his attack,
+when, to Verdant's inexpressible delight and relief, his lumbering
+antagonist was sent sprawling by a well-directed blow on his right
+ear. Charles Larkyns, who had kept a friendly eye on our hero, had
+spied his condition, and had sprung to his assistance. He was
+closely followed by the Pet, who had divested himself of the gown
+which had encumbered his shoulders, and was now freely striking out
+in all directions. The fight had become general, and fresh
+combatants had sprung up on either side.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: His back to a gate, the Putney Pet punches scientifically***"
+src="images/VG149.JPG" width="459" height="568" /></p>
+<p>"Keep close to me, Verdant," said Charles Larkyns, - quite
+unnecessarily, by the way, as our hero had no intention of
+doing otherwise until he saw a way to
+escape; "keep close to me, and I'll take care you are not
+hurt."</p>
+<p>"Here ye are!" cried the Pet, as he set his back against the
+stone-work flanking the iron gates of the church, immediately in
+front of one of the curiously twisted pillars of the Porch;
+<font color="#FF0000">[27]</font> "come on, half a dozen of ye, and
+let me have a rap at your smellers!" and he looked at the mob in
+the "Come one, come all defiant" fashion of Fitz-James; while
+Charles Larkyns and Verdant set their backs against the church
+gates, and prepared for a rush.</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[27] The porch was erected in 1637 by order of Archbishop Laud. In
+the centre of the porch is a statue of the Virgin with the Child in
+her arms, holding a small crucifix; which at the time of its
+erection gave such offence to the Puritans that it was included in
+the articles of impeachment against the Archbishop. The statue
+remains to this day.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>The Bargee came up furious, and hit out wildly at Charles
+Larkyns; but science was more than a match for brute force; and,
+after receiving two or three blows which caused him to shake his
+head in a don't-like-it sort of way, he endeavoured to turn his
+attention to Mr. Verdant Green, who, with head in air, was taking
+the greatest care of his spectacles, and endeavouring to ward off
+the indiscriminate lunges of half a dozen townsmen. The Bargee's
+charitable designs on our hero were, however, frustrated by the
+opportune appearance of Mr. Blades and Mr. Cheke, the
+gentleman-commoner of Corpus, who, in their turn, were closely
+followed by Mr. Smalls and Mr. Flexible Shanks; and Mr. Blades
+exclaiming, "There's a smasher for your ivories, my fine fellow!"
+followed up his remark with a practical application of his fist to
+the part referred to; whereupon the Bargee fell back with a howl,
+and gave vent to several curse-ory observations, and blank
+remarks.</p>
+<p>All this time the Pet was laying about him in the most
+determined manner; and, to judge from his professional
+observations, his scientific acquirements were in full play. He had
+agreeable remarks for each of his opponents; and, doubtless, the
+punishment which they received from his stalwart arms came with
+more stinging force when the parts affected were pointed out by his
+illustrative language. To one gentleman he would pleasantly
+observe, as he tapped him on the chest, "Bellows to mend for you,
+my buck!" or else, "There's a regular rib-roaster for you!" or
+else, in the still more elegant imagery of the Ring, "There's a
+squelcher in the breadbasket, that'll stop <i>your</i> dancing, my
+kivey!" While to another he would cheerfully remark, "Your
+head-rails were loosened there, wasn't they?" or, "How about the
+kissing-trap?" or, "That draws the bung from the beer-barrel I'm a
+thinkin'." While to another he would say, as a fact not to be
+disputed, "You napp'd it heavily on your whisker-bed, didn't you?"
+or, "That'll raise a tidy mouse on your ogle, my lad!" or, "That'll
+take the bark from your nozzle, and distil the Dutch pink for you,
+won't it?" While to another he would mention as an interesting item
+of news, "Now we'll tap your best October!" or, "There's a crack on
+your snuff-box!" or, "That'll damage your potato-trap!" Or else he
+would kindly inquire of one gentleman, "What d'ye ask a pint for
+your cochineal dye?" or would amiably recommend another that, as
+his peepers were a goin' fast, he'd best put up the shutters,
+because the early-closing movement ought to be follered out. All
+this was done in the cheeriest manner; while, at the same time, the
+Pet proved himself to be not only a perfect master of his
+profession, but also a skilful adept in those figures of speech, or
+"nice derangements of epitaphs," as Mrs. Malaprop calls them, in
+which the admirers of the fistic art so much delight. At every
+blow, a fresh opponent either fell or staggered off; the supremacy
+of the Pet was complete, and his claim to be considered a Professor
+of the noble and manly art of Self-defence was triumphantly
+established. "The Putney Pet" was a decidedly valuable acquisition
+to the side of Gown.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: More melee, old Towzer is grounded***" src=
+"images/VG151.JPG" width="497" height="265" /></p>
+<p>Soon the crowd became thinner, as those of the Town who liked to
+give, but not to receive hard blows, stole off to other quarters;
+and the Pet and his party would have been left peaceably to
+themselves. But this was not what they wanted, as long as fighting
+was going on elsewhere; even Mr. Verdant Green began to feel
+desperately courageous as the Town took to their heels, and fled;
+and, having performed prodigies of valour in almost knocking down a
+small cad who had had the temerity to attack him, our hero felt
+himself to be a hero indeed, and announced his intention of
+pursuing the mob, and sticking close to Charles Larkyns, - taking
+especial care to do the latter.</p>
+<center>"All the savage soul of <i>fight</i> was up";</center>
+<p>and the Gown following the scattered remnant of the flying Town,
+ran them round by All Saints' Church, and up the Turl. Here another
+Town and Gown party had fought their way from the Corn-market; and
+the Gown, getting considerably the worst of the conflict, had taken
+refuge within Exeter College by the express order of the Senior
+Proctor, the Rev. Thomas Tozer, more familiarly known as "old
+Towzer." He had endeavoured to assert his proctorial authority over
+the mob of the townspeople; but the <i>profanum vulgus</i> had not
+only scoffed and jeered him, but had even torn his gown, and
+treated his velvet sleeves with the indignity of mud; while the
+only fireworks which had been exhibited on that evening had been
+let off in his very face. Pushed on, and hustled by the mob, and
+only partially protected by his Marshal and Bulldogs, <font color=
+"#FF0000">[28]</font> he was saved from further indignity by the
+arrival of a small knot of Gownsmen, who rushed to his rescue.
+Their number was too small, however, to make head against the mob,
+and the best that they could do was to cover the Proctor's retreat.
+Now, the Rev. Thomas Tozer was short, and inclined to corpulence,
+and, although not wanting for courage, yet the exertion of
+defending himself from a superior force, was not only a fruitless
+one, but was, moreover, productive of much unpleasantness and
+perspiration. Deeming, therefore, that discretion was the better
+part of valour, he fled (like those who tended, or <i>ought</i> to
+have attended to, the flocks of Mr. Norval, Sen.)</p>
+<center>"for safety and for succour;"</center>
+<p>and, being rather short of the necessary article of wind, by the
+time that he had reached Exeter College, he had barely breath
+enough left to tell the porter to keep the gate shut until he had
+assembled a body of Gownsmen to assist him in capturing those
+daring ringleaders of the mob who had set his authority at
+defiance. This was soon done; the call to arms was made, and every
+Exeter man who was not already out, ran to "old Towzer's"
+assistance.</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[28] The Marshal is the Proctor's chief officer. The name of
+"Bull-dogs" is given to the two inferior officers who attend the
+Proctor in his nightly rounds.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>"Now, Porter," said Mr. Tozer, "unbar the gate without noise,
+and I will look forth to observe the position of the mob.
+Gentlemen, hold yourselves in readiness to secure the
+ringleaders."</p>
+<p>The porter undid the wicket, and the Rev. Thomas Tozer
+cautiously put forth his head. It was a rash act; for, no sooner
+had his nose appeared round the edge of the wicket, than it
+received a flattening blow from the fist of an active gentleman
+who, like a clever cricketer, had been on the lookout for an
+opportunity to get in to his adversary's wicket.</p>
+<p>"Oh, this is painful! this is very painful!" ejaculated Mr.
+Tozer, as he rapidly drew in his head. "Close the wicket directly,
+porter, and keep it fast." It was like closing the gates of
+Hougomont. The active gentleman who had damaged Mr. Tozer's nose
+threw himself against the wicket, his comrades assisted him, and
+the porter had some difficulty in obeying the Proctor's orders.</p>
+<p>"Oh, this is painful!" murmured the Rev. Thomas Tozer, as he
+applied a handkerchief to his bleeding nose; "this is painful, this
+is very painful! this is exceedingly painful, gentlemen!"</p>
+<p>He was immediately surrounded by sympathizing undergraduates,
+who begged him to allow them at once to charge the Town; but "old
+Towzer's" spirit seemed to have been aroused by the indignity to
+which he had been forced so publicly to submit, and he replied
+that, as soon as the bleeding had ceased,
+he would lead them forth in person. An encouraging cheer followed
+this courageous resolve, and was echoed from without by the
+derisive applause of the Town.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Another street brawl outside College***" src=
+"images/VG153.JPG" width="506" height="420" /></p>
+<p>When Mr. Tozer's nose had ceased to bleed, the signal was given
+for the gates to be thrown open; and out rushed Proctor, Marshal,
+Bull-dogs, and undergraduates. The Town was in great force, and the
+fight became desperate. To the credit of the Town, be it said, they
+discarded bludgeons and stones, and fought, in John Bull fashion,
+with their fists. Scarcely a stick was to be seen. Singling out his
+man, Mr. Tozer made at him valiantly, supported by his Bull-dogs,
+and a small band of Gownsmen. But the heavy gown and velvet sleeves
+were a grievous hindrance to the Proctor's prowess; and, although
+supported on either side by his two attendant Bull-dogs. yet the
+weight of his robes made poor Mr. Tozer almost as harmless as the
+blind King of Bohemia between his two faithful knights at the
+battle of Crecy; and, as each of the party had to look to, and
+fight for himself, the Senior Proctor soon found himself in an
+awkward predicament.</p>
+<p>The cry of "Gown to the rescue!" therefore, fell pleasantly on
+his ears; and the reinforcement headed by Mr. Charles Larkyns and
+his party, materially improved the aspect of affairs on the side of
+Gown. Knocking down a cowardly fellow, who was using his
+heavy-heeled boots on the body of a prostrate undergraduate, Mr.
+Blades, closely followed by the Pet, dashed in to the Proctor's
+assistance; and never in a Town and Gown was assistance more timely
+rendered; for the Rev. Thomas Tozer had just received his first
+knock-down blow! By the help of Mr. Blades the fallen chieftain was
+quickly replaced upon his legs; while the Pet stepped before him,
+and struck out skilfully right and left. Ten more minutes of
+scientific pugilism, and the fate of the battle was decided. The
+Town fled every way; some round the corner by Lincoln College; some
+up the Turl towards Trinity; some down Ship Street; and some down
+by Jesus College, and Market Street. A few of the more resolute
+made a stand in Broad Street; but it was of no avail; and they
+received a sound punishment at the hands of the Gown, on the spot,
+where, some three centuries before, certain mitred Gownsmen had
+bravely suffered martyrdom.<font color="#FF0000">[29]</font></p>
+<p>Now, the Rev. Thomas Tozer was a strict disciplinarian, and,
+although he had so materially benefited by the Pet's assistance,
+yet, when he perceived that that pugilistic gentleman was not
+possessed of the full complement of academical attire, the duties
+of the Proctor rose superior to the gratitude of the Man; and, with
+all the sternness of an ancient Roman Father, he said to the Pet,
+"Why have you not on your gown, sir?"</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[29] The <i>exact</i> spot where Archbishop Cranmer and Bishops
+Ridley and Latimer suffered martyrdom is not known. "The most
+likely supposition is, that it was in the town ditch, the site of
+which is now occupied by the houses in Broad Street, which are
+immediately opposite the gateway of Balliol College, or the
+footpath in front of them, where an extensive layer of wood-ashes
+is known to remain." - (Parker).<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>"I ax your pardon, guv'nor!" replied the Pet, deferentially; "I
+didn't so much care about the mortar-board, but I couldn't do
+nothin' nohow with t'other thing, so I pocketted him; but some cove
+must have gone and prigged him, for he ain't here."</p>
+<p>"I am unable to comprehend the nature of your language, sir,"
+observed the Rev. Thomas Tozer, angrily; for, what with his own
+excitement, and the shades of evening which had stolen over and
+obscured the Pet's features, he was unable to read that gentleman's
+character and profession in his face, and therefore came to the
+conclusion that he was being chaffed by some impudent
+undergraduate. "I don't in the least understand you, sir; but I
+desire at once to know your name, and College, sir!"</p>
+<p>The Putney Pet stared. If the Rev. Thomas Tozer had asked him
+for the name of his Academy, he would have been able to have
+referred him to his spacious and convenient Sparring Academy, 5,
+Cribb Court, Drury Lane; but the inquiry
+for his "College," was, in the language of his profession, a
+"regular floorer".</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: old Towzer congratulates the Putney Pet***" src=
+"images/VG155.JPG" width="347" height="407" /></p>
+<p>Mr. Blades, however, stepped forward, and explained matters to
+the Proctor, in a satisfactory manner.</p>
+<p>"Well, well!" said the pacified Mr. Tozer to the Pet; "you have
+used your skill very much to our advantage, and displayed
+pugilistic powers not unworthy of the athletes, and xystics of the
+noblest days of Rome. As a palaestrite you would have gained palms
+in the gymnastic exercises of the Circus Maximus. You might even
+have proved a formidable rival to Dares, who, as you, Mr. Blades,
+will remember, caused the death of Butes at Hector's tomb. You will
+remember, Mr. Blades, that Virgil makes mention of his 'humeros
+latos,' and says:-</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p align="right">'Nec quisquam ex agmine tanto</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Audet adire virum, manibusque inducere caestus;' <font color=
+"#FF0000">[30]</font></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<br />
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[30] AEn., Book v., 378.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>which, in our English idiom, would signify, that every one was
+afraid to put on the gloves with him. And, as your skill," resumed
+Mr. Tozer, turning to the Pet, "has been exercised in defence of my
+person, and in upholding the authority of the University, I will
+overlook your offence in assuming that portion of the academical
+attire, to which you gave the offensive epithet of 'mortar-board ';
+more especially, as you acted at the suggestion and bidding of
+those who ought to have known better. And now, go home, sir, and
+resume your customary head-dress; and - stay! here's five shillings
+for you."</p>
+<p>"I'm much obleeged to you, guv'nor," said the Pet, who had been
+listening with considerable surprise to the Proctor's quotations
+and comparisons, and wondering whether the gentleman named Dares,
+who caused the death of beauties, was a member of the P.R., and
+whether they made it out a case of manslaughter against him? and if
+the gaining palms in a circus was the customary "flapper-shaking"
+before "toeing the scratch for business?" - "I'm much obleeged to
+you, guv'nor," said the Pet, as he made a scrape with his leg;
+"and, whenever you <i>does</i> come up to London, I 'ope you'll
+drop in at Cribb Court, and have a turn with the gloves!" And the
+Pet, very politely, handed one of his professional cards to the
+Rev. Thomas Tozer.</p>
+<p>A little later than this, a very jovial supper party might have
+been seen assembled in a principal room at "the Roebuck." To enable
+them to be back within their college walls, and save their gates,
+before the hour of midnight should arrive, the work of consuming
+the grilled bones and welch-rabbits was going on with all
+reasonable speed, the heavier articles being washed down by
+draughts of "heavy." After the cloth was withdrawn, several songs
+of a miscellaneous character were sung by "the professional
+gentlemen present," including, "by particular request," the
+celebrated "Marble Halls" song of our hero, which was given with
+more coherency than on a previous occasion, but was no less
+energetically led in its "you-loved-me-still-the-same" chorus by
+Mr. Bouncer. The Pet was proudly placed on the right hand of the
+chairman, Mr. Blades; and, when his health was proposed, "with many
+thanks to him for the gallant and plucky manner in which he had led
+on the Gown to a glorious victory," the "three times three," and
+the "one cheer more," and the "again," and "again," and the "one
+other little un!" were uproariously given (as Mr. Foote expressed
+it), "by the whole strength of the company, assisted by Messrs.
+Larkyns, Smalls, Fosbrooke, Flexible Shanks, Cheke, and Verdant
+Green."</p>
+<p>The forehead of the last-named gentleman was decorated with a
+patch of brown paper, from which arose an aroma, as though of
+vinegar. The battle of "Town and Gown" was over; and Mr. Verdant
+Green was among the number of the wounded.</p>
+<a name="ch2.5" id="ch2.5"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents2">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER V.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN IS FAVOURED WITH MR. BOUNCER'S OPINIONS
+REGARDING AN UNDERGRADUATE'S EPISTOLARY COMMUNICATIONS TO HIS
+MATERNAL RELATIVE.</h4>
+<p>"COME in, whoever you are! don't mind the dogs!" shouted little
+Mr. Bouncer, as he lay, in an extremely inelegant attitude, in, a
+red morocco chair, which was considerably
+the worse for wear, chiefly on account of the ill-usage it had to
+put up with, in being made to represent its owner's antagonist,
+whenever Mr. Bouncer thought fit to practise his fencing.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr Bouncer lounging in his armchair smoking distractedly***"
+src="images/VG157.JPG" width="308" height="284" /></p>
+<p>"Oh! it's you and Giglamps is it, Charley? I'm just refreshing
+myself with a weed, for I've been desperately hard at work."</p>
+<p>"What! Harry Bouncer devoting himself to study! But this is the
+age of wonders," said Charles Larkyns, who entered the room in
+company with Mr. Verdant Green, whose forehead still betrayed the
+effects of the blow he had received a few nights before.</p>
+<p>"It ain't reading that I meant," replied Mr. Bouncer, "though
+that always <i>does</i> floor me, and no mistake! and what's the
+use of their making us peg away so at Latin and Greek, I can't make
+out. When I go out into society, I don't want to talk about those
+old Greek and Latin birds that they make us get up. I don't want to
+ask any old dowager I happen to fall in with at a tea-fight,
+whether she believes all the crammers that Herodotus tells us, or
+whether she's well up in the naughty tales and rummy nuisances that
+we have to pass no end of our years in getting by heart. And when I
+go to a ball, and do the light fantastic, I don't want to ask my
+partner what she thinks about Euripides, or whether she prefers
+Ovid's Metamorphoses to Ovid's Art of Love, and all that sort of
+thing; and as for requesting her to do me a problem ofEuclid,
+instead of working me any glorified slippers or woolleries, I'd
+scorn the <i>h</i>action. I ain't like you, Charley, and I'm not
+<i>guv</i> in the classics: I saw too much of the beggars
+while I was at Eton to take kindly to 'em;
+and just let me once get through my Greats, and see if I don't
+precious soon drop the acquaintance of those old classical
+parties!"</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Charles Larkyns by the hearth, holding forth on 'classical parties'***"
+src="images/VG158.JPG" width="278" height="493" /></p>
+<p>"No you won't, old fellow!" said Charles Larkyns; "you'll find
+that they'll stick to you through life, just like poor relations,
+and you won't be able to shake them off. And you ought not to wish
+to do so, more especially as, in the end, you will find them to
+have been very rich relations."</p>
+<p>"A sort of 'O my prophetic soul, my uncle!' I suppose, Master
+Charley." observed Mr. Bouncer; "but what I meant when I said that
+I had been hard at work was, that I had been writing a letter; and,
+though I say it that ought not to say it, I flatter myself it's no
+end of a good letter."</p>
+<p>"Is it a love-letter?" asked Charles Larkyns, who was leaning
+against the mantelpiece, amusing himself with a cigar which he had
+taken from Mr. Bouncer's box.</p>
+<p>"A love-letter?" replied the little gentleman, contemptuously -
+"my gum! no; I should rayther think not! I may have done many
+foolish things in my life, but I can't have the tender passion laid
+to my charge. No! I've been writing my letter to the Mum: I always
+write to her once a term." Mr. Bouncer, it must be observed, always
+referred to his maternal relative (his father had been long dead)
+by the epithet of "the Mum."</p>
+<p>"Once a term!" said our hero, in a tone of surprise; "why I
+always write home once or twice every week."</p>
+<p>"You don't mean to say so, Giglamps!" replied Mr. Bouncer, with
+admiration. "Well, some fellers have what you call a genius for
+that sort of thing, you see, though what you can find to tell 'em I
+can't imagine. But if I'd gone at that pace I should have got right
+through the Guide Book by this time, and then it would have been
+all U P, and I should have been obleeged to have invented another
+dodge. You don't seem to take, Giglamps?"</p>
+<p>"Well, I really don't know what you mean," answered our
+hero.</p>
+<p>"Why," continued Mr. Bouncer, "you see, there's only the Mum and
+Fanny at home: Fanny's my sister, Giglamps - a regular stunner -
+just suit you! - and they, you understand, don't care to hear about
+wines, and Town and Gowns, and all that sort of thing; and, you
+see, I ain't inventive and that, and can't spin a yarn about
+nothing; so, as soon as ever I came up to Oxford, I invested money
+in a Guide Book; and I began at the beginning, and I gave the Mum
+three pages of Guide Book in each letter. Of course, you see, the
+Mum imagines it's all my own observation; and she thinks no end of
+my letters, and says that they make her know Oxford almost as well
+as if she lived here; and she, of course, makes a good deal of me;
+and as Oxford's the place where I hang out, you see, she takes an
+interest in reading something about the jolly old place."</p>
+<p>"Of course," observed Mr. Verdant Green - "my mamma - mother, at
+least - and sisters, always take pleasure in hearing about Oxford;
+but your plan never occurred to me."</p>
+<p>"It's a first-rater, and no mistake," said Mr. Bouncer,
+confidently, "and saves a deal of trouble. I think of taking out a
+patent for it - 'Bouncer's Complete Letter-Writer,' - or get some
+literary swell to put it into a book, 'with a portrait of the
+inventor;' it would be sure to sell. You see, it's what you call
+amusement blended with information; and that's more than you can
+say of most men's letters to the Home department."</p>
+<p>"Cocky Palmer's, for instance," said Charles Larkyns, "which
+always contained a full, true, and particular account of his
+Wheatley doings. He used to go over there, Verdant, to indulge in
+the noble sport of cock-fighting, for which he had a most unamiable
+and unenviable weakness; that was the reason why he was called
+'Cocky' Palmer. His elder brother - who was a Pembroke man - was
+distinguished by the pronomen 'Snuffy,' to express his excessive
+partiality for that titillating compound."</p>
+<p>"And Snuffy Palmer," remarked Mr. Bouncer, "was a long sight
+better feller than Cocky, who was in the very worst set in
+Brazenface. But Cocky did the Wheatley dodge once too often, and it
+was a good job for the King of Oude when his friend Cocky came to
+grief, and had to take his name off the books."</p>
+<p>"You look as though you wanted a translation of this," said
+Charles Larkyns to our hero, who had been listening to the
+conversation with some wonderment, - understanding about as much of
+it as many persons who attend the St. James's Theatre understand
+the dialogue of the French Plays. "There are College
+<i>cabalia</i>, as well as Jewish; and College surnames are among
+these. 'The King of Oude' was a man of the name of Towlinson, who
+always used to carry into Hall with him a bottle of the '<i>King of
+Oude's Sauce</i>,' for which he had some mysterious liking, and
+without which he professed himself unable to get through his
+dinner. At one time he was a great friend of Cocky Palmer's, and
+used to go with him to the cock-fights at Wheatley - that village
+just on the other side Shotover Hill - where we did a
+'constitutional' the other day. Cocky, as our respected friend
+says, 'Came to grief,' but was allowed to save himself from
+expulsion by voluntarily, or rather in-voluntarily, taking his name
+off the books. When his connection with Cocky had thus been
+ruthlessly broken, 'the King' got into a better set, and retrieved
+his character."</p>
+<p>"The moral of which, my beloved Giglamps," observed Mr. Bouncer,
+"is that there are as many sets of men in a College as there are of
+quadrilles in a ball-room, and that it's just as easy to take your
+place in one as it is in another; but, that when you've once taken
+up your position, you'll find it ain't an easy thing, you see, to
+make a change for yourself, till the set is broken up. Whereby,
+Giglamps, you may comprehend what a grateful bird you ought to be,
+for Charley's having put you into the best set in Brazenface."</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green was heard to murmur, "sensible of honour, -
+grateful for kindness, - endeavours to deserve," - and the other
+broken sentiments which are commonly made use of by gentlemen who
+get upon their legs to return thanks for having been
+"tea-potted."</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Bouncer cross-legged nonchalantly composing a letter to his mother***"
+src="images/VG160.JPG" width="278" height="282" /></p>
+<p>"If you like to hear it," said Mr. Bouncer, "I'll read you my
+letter to the Mum. It ain't very private; and I flatter myself,
+Giglamps, that it'll serve you as a model."</p>
+<p>"Let's have it by all means, Harry," said Charles Larkyns. "It
+must be an interesting document; and I am curious to hear what it
+is that you consider a model for epistolary communication from an
+undergraduate to his maternal relative."</p>
+<p>"Off she goes then;" observed Mr. Bouncer; "lend me your ears -
+list, list, O list! as the recruiting-sergeant or some other feller
+says in the Play. 'Now, my little dears! look straight for'ard -
+blow your noses, and don't brathe on the glasses!' " and Mr.
+Bouncer read the letter, interspersing it with explanatory
+observations:-</p>
+<p><i>" 'My dearest mother, - I have been quite well since I left
+you, and I hope you and Fanny have been equally salubrious.</i>'-
+That's doing the civil, you see: now we pass on to statistics. -
+'<i>We had rain the day before yesterday, but we shall have a new
+moon to-night.</i>' - You see, the Mum always likes to hear about
+the weather, so I get that out of the Almanack. Now we get on to
+the interesting part of the letter. - '<i>I will now tell you a
+little about Merton College.</i>' - That's where I had just got to.
+We go right through the Guide Book, you understand. - '<i>The
+history of this establishment is of peculiar importance, as
+exhibiting the primary model of all the collegiate bodies in Oxford
+and Cambridge. The statutes of Walter de Merton had been more or
+less copied by all other founders in succession; and the whole
+constitution of both Universities, as we now behold them, may be,
+not without reason, ascribed to the liberality and munificence of
+this truly great man.</i>' - Truly great man! that's no end good,
+ain't it? observed Mr. Bouncer, in the manner of the 'mobled queen
+is good' of Polonius. - '<i>His sagacity and wisdom led him to
+profit by the spirit of the times; his opulence enabled him to lay
+the foundation of a nobler system; and the splendour of his example
+induced others, in subsequent ages, to raise a superstructure at
+once attractive and solid.</i>' - That's piling it up mountaynious,
+ain't it? - '<i>The students were no longer dispersed through the
+streets and lanes of the city, dwelling in insulated houses, halls,
+inns, or hostels, subject to dubious control and precarious
+discipline.</i>' - That's stunnin', isn't it? just like those
+<i>Times</i> fellers write. - '<i>But placed under the immediate
+superintendence of tutors and governors, and lodged in comfortable
+chambers. This was little less than an academical revolution; and a
+new order of things may be dated from this memorable era. Love to
+Fanny; and, believe me your affectionate Son, Henry Bouncer.</i>' -
+If the Mum don't say that's first-rate, I'm a Dutchman! You see, I
+don't write very close, so that this respectably fills up three
+sides of a sheet of note-paper. Oh, here's something over the leaf.
+'<i>P.S. I hope Stump and Rowdy have got something for me, because
+I want some tin very bad.</i>' That's all! Well, Giglamps! don't
+you call that quite a model letter for a University man to send to
+his tender parient?"</p>
+<p>"It certainly contains some interesting information," said our
+Hero, with a Quaker-like indirectness of reply.</p>
+<p>"It seems to me, Harry," said Charles Larkyns, "that the pith of
+it, like a lady's letter, lies in the postscript - the demand for
+money."</p>
+<p>"You see," observed the little gentleman in explanation, "Stump
+and Rowdy are the beggars that have got all my property till I come
+of age next year; and they only let me have money at certain times,
+because it's what they facetiously call <i>tied-up</i>: though
+<i>why</i> they've tied it up, or <i>where</i> they've tied it up,
+I hav'nt the smallest idea. So, though I tick for nearly
+everything, - for men at College, Giglamps, go upon tick as
+naturally as the crows do on the sheep's backs, - I sometimes am
+rather hard up for ready dibs; and then I give the Mum a
+gentlemanly hint of this, and she tips me. By-the-way," continued
+Mr. Bouncer, as he re-read his postscript, "I must alter the word
+'tin' into 'money'; or else she'll be taking it literally, just as
+she did with the ponies. Know what a pony is, Giglamps?"</p>
+<p>"Why, of course I do," replied Mr. Verdant Green; "besides
+which, I have kept one: he was an Exmoor pony, - a bay one, with a
+long tail."</p>
+<p>"Oh, Giglamps! You'll be the death of me some fine day," faintly
+exclaimed little Mr. Bouncer, as he slowly recovered from an
+exhausting fit of laughter. "You're as bad as the Mum was. A pony
+means twenty-five pound, old feller. But the Mum didn't know that;
+and when I wrote to her and said, 'I'm very short; please to send
+me two ponies;' meaning, of course, that I wanted fifty pound; what
+must she do, but write back and say, that,
+with some difficulty, she had procured for me two Shetland ponies,
+and that, as I was short, she hoped they would suit my size.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Bouncer astride his pony***" src="images/VG162.JPG"
+width="278" height="282" /></p>
+<p>And, before I had time to send her another letter, the two
+little beggars came. Well, I couldn't ride them both at once, like
+the fellers do at Astley's; so I left one at Tollitt's, and I rode
+the other down the High, as cool as a cucumber. You see, though I
+ain't a giant, and that, yet I was big for the pony; and as
+Shelties are rum-looking little beggars, I dare say we look'd
+rather queer and original. But the Proctor happened to see me; and
+he cut up so doosed rough about it, that I couldn't show on the
+Shelties any more; and Tollitt was obliged to get rid of them for
+me."</p>
+<p>"Well, Harry," said Charles Larkyns, "it is to Tollitt's that
+you must now go, as you keep your horse there. We want you to join
+us in a ride."</p>
+<p>"What!" cried out Mr. Bouncer, "old Giglamps going outside an
+Oxford hack once more! Why, I thought you'd made a vow never to do
+so again?"</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Charles Larkyns out riding with Miss Mary Green, VG following at a distance***"
+src="images/VG163.JPG" width="411" height="495" /></p>
+<p>"Why, I certainly did so," replied Mr. Verdant Green; "but
+Charles Larkyns, during the holidays - the vacation, at least - was
+kind enough to take me out several rides; so I have had a great
+deal of practice since last term."</p>
+<p>"And you don't require to be strapped on, or to get inside and
+pull down the blinds?" inquired Mr. Bouncer.</p>
+<p>"Oh dear, no!"</p>
+<p>The fact was, that during the long vacation Charles Larkyns had
+paid considerable attention to our hero's equestrian exercises; not
+so much, it must be confessed, out of friendship for his friend, as
+that he might have an opportunity of riding by the side of that
+friend's fair sister Mary, for whom he entertained something more
+than a partiality. And herein, probably, Mr. Charles Larkyns showed
+both taste and judgment. For there may be many things less pleasant
+in this world than cantering down a green Warwickshire lane - on
+some soft summer's day when the green is greenest and the blossoms
+brightest - side by side with a charming girl whose nature is as
+light and sunny as the summer air and the summer sky. Pleasant it
+is to watch the flushing cheek glow rosier than the rosiest of all
+the briar-roses that stoop to kiss it. Pleasant it is to look into
+the lustrous light of tender eyes; and to see the loosened ringlets
+reeling with the motion of the ride. Pleasant it is to canter on
+from lane to lane over soft moss, and springy turf, between the
+high honeysuckle hedges, and the broad-branched beeches that meet
+overhead in a tangled embrace. But pleasanter by far than all is
+it, to hug to one's heart the darling fancy that she who is
+cantering on by your side in all the witchery of her maiden beauty,
+holds you in her dearest thoughts, and dowers you with all her
+wealth of love. Pleasant rides indeed, pleasant fancies, and
+pleasant day-dreams, had the long vacation brought to Charles
+Larkyns!</p>
+<p>"Well, come along, Verdant," said Mr. Larkyns, "we'll go to
+Charley Symonds' and get our hacks. You can meet us, Harry, just
+over the Maudlin Bridge; and we'll have a canter along the Henley
+road."</p>
+<p>So Mr. Verdant Green and his friend walked into Holywell Street,
+and passed under the archway up to Symonds' stables. But the
+nervous trepidation which our hero had felt in the same place on a
+previous occasion returned with full force when his horse was led
+out in an exuberantly playful and "fresh" condition. The beast he
+had bestridden during his long vacation rides, with his sister and
+his (and sister's) friend, was a cob-like steed, whose placidity of
+temper was fully equalled by its gravity of demeanour; and who
+would as soon have thought of flying over a five-bar gate as he
+would of kicking up his respectable heels both behind and before in
+the low-lived manner recorded of the Ethiopian "Old Joe." But, if
+"Charley Symonds'" hacks had been of this pacific and easygoing
+kind, it is highly probable that Mr. C. S. and his stud would not
+have acquired that popularity which they had deservedly achieved.
+For it seems to be a <i>sine-qua-non</i> with an Oxford hack, that
+to general showiness of exterior, it must add the power of enduring
+any amount of hard riding and rough treatment in the course of the
+day which its <i>pro-tem.</i> proprietor may think fit to inflict
+upon it; it being an axiom which has obtained, as well in
+Universities as in other places, that it is of no advantage to hire
+a hack unless you get out of him as much as you can for your money;
+you won't want to use him to-morrow, so you don't care about
+over-riding him to-day.</p>
+<p>But, all this time, Mr. Verdant Green is drawing on his gloves,
+in the nervous manner that tongue-tied gentlemen go through the
+same performance during the conversational spasms of the first-set
+of Quadrilles; the groom is leading out the exuberantly playful
+quadruped on whose back Mr. Verdant Green is to disport himself;
+Charles Larkyns is mounted; the November sun is shining brightly on
+the perspective of the yard and stables,
+and the tower of New College; the dark archway gives one a peep of
+Holywell Street; while the cold blue sky is flecked with gleaming
+pigeons.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt="***Image: Symonds' stables***" src=
+"images/VG165.JPG" width="535" height="420" /></p>
+<p>At last, Mr. Verdant Green has scrambled into his saddle, and is
+riding cautiously down the yard, while his heart beats in an
+alarming alarum-like way. As they ride under the archway, there, in
+the little room underneath it, is Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke,
+selecting his particular tandem-whip from a group of some two score
+of similar whips kept there in readiness for their respective
+owners.</p>
+<p>"Charley, you're a beast!" says Mr. Fosbrooke, politely
+addressing himself to Mr. Larkyns; "I wanted Bouncer to come with
+me in the cart to Abingdon, and I find that the little man is
+engaged to you." Upon which, Mr. Fosbrooke playfully raising his
+tandem-whip, Mr. Verdant Green's horse plunges, and brings his
+rider's head into concussion with the lamp which hangs within the
+gateway; whereupon, the hat falls off, and our hero is within an
+ace of following his hat's example.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG and Mr. Charles Larkyns on horseback***" src=
+"images/VG166.JPG" width="257" height="313" /></p>
+<p>By a powerful exertion, however, he recovers his proper
+position in the saddle, and proceeds in an
+agitated and jolted condition, by Charles Larkyns's side, down
+Holywell Street, past the Music Room, <font color=
+"#FF0000">[31]</font> and round by the Long Wall, and over Magdalen
+Bridge. Here they are soon joined by Mr. Bouncer, mounted,
+according to the custom of small men, on one of Tollitt's tallest
+horses, of ever-so-many hands high. As by this time our hero has
+got more accustomed to his steed, his courage gradually returns,
+and he rides on with his companions very pleasantly, enjoying the
+magnificent distant view of his University. When they have passed
+Cowley, some very tempting fences are met with; and Mr. Bouncer and
+Mr. Larkyns, being unable to resist their fascinations, put their
+horses at them, and leap in and out of the road in an insane
+Vandycking kind of way; while an excited agriculturist, whose
+smock-frock heaves with indignation, pours down denunciations on
+their heads.</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[31] Now used for the Museum of the Oxford Architectural
+Society.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>"Blow that bucolical party!" says Mr. Bouncer; "he's no right to
+interfere with the enjoyments of the animals. If they break the
+fences, it ain't their faults; it's the fault of the farmers for
+not making the fences strong enough to bear them. Come along,
+Giglamps! put your beast at that hedge! he'll take you over as easy
+as if you were sitting in an arm-chair."</p>
+<p>But Mr. Verdant Green has doubts about the performance of this
+piece of equestrian upholstery; and, thinking that the arm-chair
+would soon become a reclining one, he is firm in his refusal to put
+the leaping powers of his steed to the test. But having,
+afterwards, obtained some "jumping powder" at a certain small
+road-side hostelry to which Mr. Bouncer has piloted the party, our
+hero, on his way back to Oxford, screws up his courage sufficiently
+to gallop his steed desperately at a ditch which yawns, a foot
+wide, before him. But to his immense astonishment - not to say,
+disgust - the obtuse-minded quadruped gives a leap which would have
+taken him clear over a canal; and our hero, not being prepared for
+this very needless display of agility, flies off the saddle at a
+tangent, and finds that his "vaulting ambition" had o'erleap'd
+itself, and fallen on the other side - of the ditch.</p>
+<p>"It ain't your fault, Giglamps!" says Mr. Bouncer, when he has
+galloped after Verdant's steed, and has led it up to him, and when
+he has ascertained that his friend is not in
+the least hurt; but has only broken - his
+glasses; "it ain't your fault, Giglamps, old feller! it's the
+clumsiness of the hack. He tossed you up, and couldn't catch you
+again!"</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG thrown when horse vaults ditch***" src=
+"images/VG167.JPG" width="471" height="265" /></p>
+<p>And so our hero rides back to Oxford. But, before the Term has
+ended, he has become more accustomed to Oxford hacks, and has made
+himself acquainted with the respective merits of the stables of
+Messrs. Symonds, Tollitt, and Pigg; and has, moreover, ridden with
+the drag, and, in this way, hunted the fabled foxes of Bagley Wood,
+and Whichwood Forest.</p>
+<a name="ch2.6" id="ch2.6"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents2">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER VI.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN FEATHERS HIS OARS WITH SKILL AND
+DEXTERITY.</h4>
+<p>NOVEMBER is not always the month of fog and mist and dulness.
+Oftentimes there are brilliant exceptions to that
+generally-received rule of depressing weather which, in this month
+(according to our lively neighbours), induces the natives of our
+English metropolis to leap in crowds from the Bridge of Waterloo.
+There are in November, days of calm beauty, which are peculiar to
+that month - that kind of calm beauty which is so often seen as the
+herald of decay.</p>
+<p>But, whatever weather the month may bring to Oxford, it never
+brings gloom or despondency to Oxford men. They are a happily
+constituted set of beings, and can always create their own
+amusements; they crown Minerva with flowers without heeding her
+influenza, and never seem to think that the rosy-bosomed Hours may
+be laid up with bronchitis. Winter and summer appear to be pretty
+much the same to them: reading and recreation go hand-in-hand all
+the year round; and, among other pleasures, that of boating finds
+as many votaries in cold November, as it did in sunny June -
+indeed, the chillness of the air, in the
+former month, gives zest to an amusement which degenerates to hard
+labour in the dog-days.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Barge on the river by Hall's***" src="images/VG168.JPG"
+width="412" height="496" /></p>
+<p>The classic Isis in the month of November, therefore, whenever
+the weather is anything like favourable, presents an animated
+scene. Eight-oars pass along, the measured pull of the oars in the
+rowlocks marking the time in musical cadence with their plashing
+dip in the water; perilous skiffs flit like fire-flies over the
+glassy surface of the river; men lounge about in the house-boats
+and barges, or gather together at King's, or Hall's, and
+industriously promulgate small talk and tobacco-smoke. All is gay
+and bustling. Although the feet of the strollers in the Christ
+Church meadows rustle through the sere and yellow leaf, yet rich
+masses of brown and russet foliage still hang upon the trees, and
+light up into gold in the sun. The sky is of a cold but bright
+blue; the distant hills and woods are mellowed into sober
+purplish-gray tints, but over them the sun looks down with that
+peculiar red glow which is only seen in November.
+</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Undergraduates outside leisurely smoking***" src=
+"images/VG169.JPG" width="354" height="368" /></p>
+<p>It was one of these bright days of "the month of gloom," that
+Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Charles Larkyns being in the room of
+their friend Mr. Bouncer, the little gentleman inquired, "Now then!
+what are you two fellers up to? I'm game for anything, I am! from
+pitch-and-toss to manslaughter."</p>
+<p>"I'm afraid," said Charles Larkyns, "that we can't accommodate
+you in either amusement, although we are going down to the river,
+with which Verdant wishes to renew his acquaintance. Last term, you
+remember, you picked him up in the Gut, when he had been played
+with at pitch-and-toss in a way that very nearly resembled
+manslaughter."</p>
+<p>"I remember, I remember, how old Giglamps floated by!" said Mr.
+Bouncer; "you looked like a half-bred mermaid Giglamps."</p>
+<p>"But the gallant youth," continued Mr. Larkyns, "undismayed by
+the perils from which he was then happily preserved, has boldly
+come forward and declared himself a worshipper of Isis, in a way
+worthy of the ancient Egyptians, or of Tom Moore's Epicurean."</p>
+<p>"Well! stop a minute you fellers," said Mr. Bouncer; "I must
+have my beer first: I can't do without my Bass relief. I'm like the
+party in the old song, and I likes a drop of good beer." And as he
+uncorked a bottle of Bass, little Mr. Bouncer sang, in notes as
+musical as those produced from his own tin horn-</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>'Twixt wet and dry I always try</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Between the extremes to steer;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Though I always shrunk from getting -- intoxicated,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>I was always fond of my beer!</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>For I likes a drop of good beer!</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>I'm particularly partial to beer!</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Porter and swipes</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Always give me the - stomach-ache!</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>But that's never the case with beer!"</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>"Bravo, Harry!" cried Charles Larkyns; "you roar us an' twere
+any nightingale. It would do old Bishop Still's heart good to hear
+you; and 'sure <i>I</i> think, that <i>you</i> can drink with any
+that wears a hood,' or that <i>will</i> wear a hood when you take
+your Bachelor's, and put on your gown." And Charles Larkyns sang,
+rather more musically than Mr. Bouncer had done, from that song
+which, three centuries ago, the Bishop had written in praise of
+good ale,-</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>Let back and side go bare, go bare,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Both hand and foot go cold:</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>But, belly, God send thee good ale enough,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Whether it be new or old.</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>They were soon down at the river side, where Verdant was
+carefully put into a tub (alas! the dear, awkward, safe, old things
+are fast passing away; they are giving place to suicidal skiffs,
+and will soon be numbered among the boats of other days!)- and was
+started off with almost as much difficulty as on his first essay.
+The tub - which was, indeed, his old friend the <i>Sylph</i>, -
+betrayed an awkward propensity for veering round towards Folly
+Bridge, which our hero at first failed to overcome; and it was not
+until he had performed a considerable amount of crab-catching, that
+he was enabled to steer himself in the proper direction. Charles
+Larkyns had taken his seat in an outrigger skiff (so frail and
+shaky that it made Verdant nervous to look at it), and, with one or
+two powerful strokes, had shot ahead, backed water, turned, and
+pulled back round the tub long before Verdant had succeeded in
+passing that eccentric mansion, to which allusion has before been
+made, as possessing in the place of cellars, an ingenious system of
+small rivers to thoroughly irrigate its foundation - a hydropathic
+treatment which may (or may not) be agreeable in Venice, but
+strikes one as being decidedly cold and comfortless when applied to
+Oxford, - at any rate, in the month of November. Walking on the
+lawn which stretched from this house towards the river, our hero
+espied two extremely pretty young ladies, whose hearts he
+endeavoured at once to take captive by displaying all his powers in
+that elegant exercise in which they saw him engaged. It may
+reasonably be presumed that Mr. Verdant Green's hopes were doomed
+to be blighted.</p>
+<p>Let us leave him, and take a look at Mr. Bouncer.</p>
+<p>Mr. Bouncer had been content to represent the prowess of his
+college in the cricket-field, and had never aspired to any fame as
+an oar. The exertions, as well as the fame, of aquatic honours, he
+had left to Mr. Blades, and those others like him, who considered
+it a trifle to pull down to Iffley and back
+again, two or three times a day, at racing
+pace with a fresh spurt put on every five minutes.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG on the river in the 'Sylph' by the 'eccentric mansion' with its foundation irrigated by small rivers***"
+src="images/VG171.JPG" width="499" height="274" /></p>
+<p>Mr. Bouncer, too, had an antipathy to eat beefsteaks otherwise
+than in the state in which they are usually brought to table; and,
+as it seemed a <i>sine qua non</i> with the gentleman who
+superintended the training for the boat-races, that his pupils
+should daily devour beefsteaks which had merely looked at the fire,
+Mr. Bouncer, not having been brought up to cannibal habits, was
+unable to conform himself to this, and those other vital principles
+which seemed to regulate the science of aquatic training. The
+little gentleman moreover, did not join with the "Torpids" (as the
+second boats of a college are called), either, because he had a
+soul above them, - he would be <i>aut Caesar, aut nullus</i>;
+either in the eight, or nowhere, - or else, because even the
+Torpids would cause him more trouble and pleasurable pain than
+would be agreeable to him. When Mr. Bouncer sat down on any hard
+substance, he liked to be able to do so without betraying any
+emotion that the action caused him personal discomfort; and he had
+noticed that many of the Torpids - not to mention one or two of the
+eight - were more particular than young men usually are about
+having a very easy, soft, and yielding chair to sit on.</p>
+<p>Mr. Bouncer, too, was of opinion that continued blisters were
+both unsightly and unpleasant; and that rawness was bad enough when
+taken in conjunction with beefsteaks, without being extended to
+one's own hands. He had also a summer passion for ices and creams,
+which were forbidden luxuries to one in training, - although
+(paradoxical as it may seem to say so) they trained on Isis! He had
+also acquired a bad habit of getting up in one day, and going to
+bed in the next, - keeping late hours, and only rising early when
+absolutely compelled to do so in order to keep morning chapel - a
+habit which the trainer would have interfered with, considerably to
+the little gentleman's advantage. He had also an amiable weakness
+for pastry, port, claret, "et <i>hock</i> genus omne"; and would
+have felt it a cruelty to have been deprived of his daily modicum
+of "smoke"; and in all these points, boat-training would have
+materially interfered with his comfort.</p>
+<p>Mr. Bouncer, therefore, amused himself equally as much to his
+own satisfaction as if he had been one of the envied eight, by
+occasionally paddling about with Charles Larkyns in an old
+pair-oar, built by Davis and King, and bought by Mr. Bouncer of its
+late Brazenfacian proprietor, when that gentleman, after a humorous
+series of plucks, rustications, and heavy debts, had finally been
+compelled to migrate to the King's Bench, for that purification of
+purse and person commonly designated "whitewashing." When Charles
+Larkyns and his partner did not use their pair-oar, the former
+occupied his outrigger skiff; and the latter, taking Huz and Buz on
+board a sailing boat, tacked up and down the river with great
+skill, the smoke gracefully curling from his meerschaum or short
+black pipe, - for Mr. Bouncer disapproved of smoking cigars at
+those times when the wind would have assisted him to get through
+them.</p>
+<p>"Hullo, Giglamps! here we are! as the clown says in the
+pantermime," sung out the little gentleman as he came up with our
+hero, who was performing some extraordinary feats in full sight of
+the University crew, who were just starting from their barge; "you
+get no end of exercise out of your tub, I should think, by the
+style you work those paddles. They go in and out beautiful! Splish,
+splash; splish, splash! You must be one of the <i>wherry</i>
+identical Row-brothers-row, whose voices kept tune and whose ears
+kept time, you know. You ought to go and splish-splash in the
+Freshman's River, Giglamps; - but I forgot - you ain't a freshman
+now, are you, old feller? Those swells in the University boats look
+as though they were bursting with envy - not to say, with
+laughter," added Mr. Bouncer, <i>sotto voce</i>. "Who taught you to
+do the dodge in such a stunning way, Giglamps?"</p>
+<p>"Why, last term, Charles Larkyns did," responded Mr. Verdant
+Green, with the freshness of a Freshman still lingering lovingly
+upon him. "I've not forgotten what he told me, - to put in my oar
+deep, and to bring it out with a jerk. But though I make them go as
+deep as I can, and jerk them out as much as possible, yet the boat
+<i>will</i> keep turning round, and I can't keep it straight at
+all; and the oars are very heavy and unmanageable, and keep
+slipping out of the rowlocks -"</p>
+<p>"Commonly called <i>rullocks</i>," put in Mr. Bouncer, as a
+parenthetical correction, or marginal note on Mr. Verdant Green's
+words.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Bouncer corrects VG's pronunciation of 'rowlocks'***"
+src="images/VG173.JPG" width="496" height="279" /></p>
+<p>"And when the Trinity boat went by, I could scarcely get out of
+their way; and they said very unpleasant things to me; and,
+altogether, I can assure you that it has made me very hot."</p>
+<p>" And a capital thing, too, Giglamps, this cold November day,"
+said Mr. Bouncer; "I'm obliged to keep my coppers warm with this
+pea-coat, and my pipe. Charley came alongside me just now, on
+purpose to fire off one of his poetical quotations. He said that I
+reminded him of Beattie's <i>Minstrel</i>:-</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>'Dainties he needed not, nor gaud, nor toy,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Save one short pipe.'</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>I think that was something like it. But you see, Giglamps, I
+haven't got a figure-head for these sort of things like Charley
+has, so I couldn't return his shot; but since then, to me deeply
+pondering, as those old Greek parties say, a fine sample of our
+superior old crusted jokes has come to hand; and when Charley next
+pulls alongside, I shall tell him that I am like that beggar we
+read about in old Slowcoach's lecture the other day, and that, if I
+had been in the humour, I could have sung out, Io Bacche!
+<font color="#FF0000">[32]</font> <i>I owe baccy</i> - d'ye see,
+Giglamps? Well, old feller! you look rather puffed, so clap on your
+coat; and, if there's a rope's end, or a chain, in your tub, and
+you'll just pay it out here, I'll make you fast astern, and pull
+you down the river; and then you'll be in prime condition to work
+yourself up again.</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[32] - "Si collibuisset, ab ovo "Usque ad mala citaret, Io Bacche!"
+- Hor. Sat. Lib. I, 3.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG at riverside with nautical parties***" src=
+"images/VG174.JPG" width="266" height="423" /></p>
+<p>The wind's in our back, and we shall get on jolly."</p>
+<p>So our hero made fast the tub to his friend's sailing-boat, and
+was towed as far as the Haystack. During the voyage Mr. Bouncer
+ascertained that Mr. Charles Larkyns had
+improved some of the shining hours of the long vacation
+considerably to Mr. Verdant Green's benefit, by teaching him the
+art of swimming - a polite accomplishment of which our hero had
+been hitherto ignorant. Little Mr. Bouncer, therefore, felt easier
+in his mind, if any repetition of his involuntary bath in the Gut
+should befal our hero; and, after giving him (wonderful to say)
+some correct advice regarding the management of the oars, he cast
+off the <i>Sylph,</i> and left her and our hero to their own
+devices. But, profiting by the friendly hints which he had
+received, Mr. Verdant Green made considerable progress in the skill
+and dexterity with which he feathered his oars; and he sat in his
+tub looking as wise as Diogenes may (perhaps) have done in
+<i>his</i>. He moreover pulled the boat back to Hall's without
+meeting with any accident worth mentioning; and when he had got on
+shore he was highly complimented by Mr. Blades and a group of
+boating gentlemen "for the admirable display of science which he
+had afforded them."</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green was afterwards taken alternately by Charles
+Larkyns and Mr. Bouncer in their pair-oar; so that, by the end of
+the term, he at any rate knew more of boating than to accept as one
+of its fundamental rules, "put your oar in deep, and bring it out
+with a jerk."</p>
+<p>In the first week in December he had an opportunity of pulling
+over a fresh piece of water. One of those inundations occurred to
+which Oxford is so liable, and the meadow-land to the south and
+west of the city was covered by the flood. Boats plied to and from
+the railway station in place of omnibuses; the Great Western was
+not to be seen for water; and, at the Abingdon-road bridge, at
+Cold-harbour, the rails were washed away, and the trains brought to
+a stand-still. The Isis was amplified to the width of the Christ
+Church meadows; the Broad Walk had a peep of itself upside down in
+the glassy mirror; the windings of the Cherwell could only be
+traced by the trees on its banks. There was</p>
+<center>"Water, water everywhere,"</center>
+<p>and a disagreeable quantity of it too, as those Christ Church
+men whose ground-floor rooms were towards the meadows soon
+discovered.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Boats sailing over flooded meadows***" src=
+"images/VG175.JPG" width="559" height="319" /></p>
+<p>Mr. Bouncer is supposed to have brought out one of his "fine,
+old, crusted jokes," when he asserted in reference to the
+inundation, that "Nature had assumed a lake complexion." Posts and
+rails, and hay, and a miscellaneous collection of articles, were
+swept along by the current, together with the bodies of hapless
+sheep and pigs. But, in spite of these incumbrances, boats of all
+descriptions were to be seen sailing, pulling, skiffing, and
+punting, over the flooded meadows. Numerous were the disasters, and
+many were the boats that were upset.</p>
+<p>Indeed, the adventures of Mr. Verdant Green would probably have
+here terminated in a misadventure, had he not (thanks to Charles
+Larkyns) mastered the art of swimming; for he was in Mr. Bouncer's
+sailing-boat, which was sailing very merrily over the flood, when
+its merriness was suddenly checked by its grounding on the stump of
+a lopped pollard willow, and forthwith capsizing. Our hero, who had
+been sitting in the bows, was at once swept over by the sail, and,
+for a moment, was in great peril; but, disengaging himself from the
+cordage, he struck out, and swam to a willow whose friendly boughs
+and top had just formed an asylum for Mr. Bouncer, who in great
+anxiety was coaxing Huz and Buz to swim to the same ark of
+safety.</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Bouncer were speedily rescued from
+their position, and were not a little thankful for their
+escape.</p>
+<a name="ch2.7" id="ch2.7"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents2">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER VII.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN PARTAKES OF A DOVE-TART AND A
+SPREAD-EAGLE.</h4>
+<p>"HULLO, Giglamps, you lazy beggar!" said the cheery voice of
+little Mr. Bouncer, as he walked into our hero's bedroom one
+morning towards the end of term, and found Mr. Verdant Green in
+bed, though sufficiently awakened by the sounding of Mr. Bouncer's
+octaves for the purposes of conversation; "this'll never do, you
+know, Giglamps! Cutting chapel to do the downy! Why, what do you
+mean, sir? Didn't you ever learn in the nursery what happened to
+old Daddy Longlegs when he wouldn't say his prayers?"</p>
+<p>"Robert <i>did</i> call me," said our hero, rubbing his eyes;
+"but I felt tired, so I told him to put in an <i>aeger</i>."</p>
+<p>"Upon my word, young un," observed Mr. Bouncer, "you're a coming
+it, you are! and only in your second term, too. What makes you wear
+a nightcap, Giglamps? Is it to make your hair curl, or to keep your
+venerable head warm? Nightcaps ain't healthy; they are only fit for
+long-tailed babbies, and old birds that are as bald as coots; or
+else for gents that grease their wool with 'thine incomparable oil,
+Macassar,' as the noble poet justly remarks."</p>
+<p>"It ain't always pleasant," continued the little gentleman, who
+was perched up on the side of the bed, and seemed in a
+communicative disposition, "it ain't always pleasant to turn out
+for morning chapel, is it, Giglamps? But it's just like the eels
+with their skinning: it goes against the grain at first, but you
+soon get used to it. When I first came up, I was a frightful lazy
+beggar, and I got such a heap of impositions for not keeping my
+morning chapels, that I was obliged to have three fellers
+constantly at work writing 'em out for me. This was rather
+expensive, you see; and then the dons threatened to take away my
+term altogether, and bring me to grief, if I didn't be more
+regular. So I was obliged to make a virtuous resolution, and I told
+Robert that he was to insist on my getting up in a morning, and I
+should tip him at the end of term if he succeeded. So at first he
+used to come and hammer at the door; but
+that was no go.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Bouncer finds VG still a-bed***" src=
+"images/VG177-1.JPG" width="342" height="377" /></p>
+<p>So then he used to come in and shake me, and try to pull the
+clothes off; but, you see, I always used to prepare for him, by
+taking a good supply of boots and things to bed with me; so I
+was able to take shies at the beggar
+till he vanished, and left me to snooze peaceably.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Bouncer repels the reveille of his scout with a Wellington boot***"
+src="images/VG177-2.JPG" width="308" height="268" /></p>
+<p>You see, it ain't every feller as likes to have a Wellington
+boot at his head; but that rascal of a Robert is used to those
+trifles, and I was obliged to try another dodge. This you know was
+only of a morning when I was in bed. When I had had my breakfast,
+and got my imposition, and become virtuous again, I used to slang
+him awful for having let me cut chapel; and then I told him that he
+must always stand at the door until he heard me out of bed. But,
+when the morning came, it seemed running such a risk, you see, to
+one's lungs and all those sort of things to turn out of the warm
+bed into the cold chapel, that I would answer Robert when he
+hammered at the door; but, instead of getting up, I would knock my
+boots against the floor, as though I was out of bed, don't you see,
+and was padding about. But that wretch of a Robert was too old a
+bird to be caught with this dodge; so he used to sing out, 'You
+must show a leg, sir!' and, as he kept on hammering at the door
+till I <i>did</i> - for, you see, Giglamps, he was looking out for
+the tip at the end of term, so it made him persevere - and as his
+beastly hammering used, of course, to put a stopper on my going to
+sleep again, I used to rush out in a frightful state of wax, and
+show a leg. And then, being well up, you see, it was no use doing
+the downy again, so it was just as well to make one's
+<i>twilight</i> and go to chapel. Don't gape, Giglamps; it's
+beastly rude, and I havn't done yet. I'm going to tell you another
+dodge - one of old Smalls'. He invested money in an alarum, with a
+string from it tied on to the bed-clothes, so as to pull them off
+at whatever time you chose to set it. But I never saw the fun of
+being left high and dry on your bed: it would be a shock to the
+system which I couldn't stand. But even this dreadful expedient
+would be better than posting an <i>aeger</i>; which, you know, you
+didn't ought to was, Giglamps. Well, turn out, old feller! I've
+told Robert to take your commons <font color="#FF0000">[33]</font>
+into my room. Smalls and Charley are coming, and I've got a
+dove-tart and a spread-eagle."</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[33] The rations of bread, butter, and milk, supplied from the
+buttery. The breakfast-giver tells his scout the names of those
+<i>in</i>-college men who are coming to breakfast with him. The
+scout then collects their commons, which thus forms the substratum
+of the entertainment. The other things are of course supplied by
+the giver of the breakfast, and are sent in by the confectioner. As
+to the knives and forks and crockery, the scout produces them from
+his common stock.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>"Whatever are they?" asked Mr. Verdant Green.</p>
+<p>"Not know what they are!" cried Mr. Bouncer; "why a dove-tart is
+what mortals call a pigeon-pie. I ain't much in Tennyson's line,
+but it strikes me that dove-tarts are more poetical than the other
+thing; spread-eagle is a barn-door fowl smashed out flat, and made
+jolly with mushroom sauce, and no end of good things. I don't know
+how they squash it, but I should say that they sit upon it; I
+daresay, if we were to inquire, we should find that they kept a fat
+feller on purpose. But you just come, and try how it eats." And, as
+Mr. Verdant Green's bedroom barely afforded standing room, even for
+one, Mr. Bouncer walked into the sitting-room, while his friend
+arose from his couch like a youthful Adonis, and proceeded to bathe
+his ambrosial person, by taking certain sanatory measures in
+splashing about in a species of tub - a performance which Mr.
+Bouncer was wont to term "doing tumbies."
+</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Bouncer scrutinises VG's post***" src=
+"images/VG179.JPG" width="272" height="338" /></p>
+<p>"What'll you take for your letters, Giglamps?" called out the
+little gentleman from the other room; "the Post's in, and here are
+three for you. Two are from women, - young 'uns I should say, from
+the regular ups and downs, and right angles: they look like
+billyduxes. Give you a bob for them, at a venture! they may be
+funny. The other is suspiciously like a tick, and ought to be
+looked shy on. I should advise you not to open it, but to pitch it
+in the fire: it may save a fit of the blues. If you want any help
+over shaving, just say so, Giglamps, will you, before I go; and
+then I'll hold your nose for you, or do anything else that's civil
+and accommodating. And, when you've done your tumbies, come in to
+the dove-tart and the spread-eagle." And off went Mr. Bouncer,
+making terrible noises with his post-horn, in his strenuous but
+futile endeavours to discover the octaves.</p>
+<p>Our hero soon concluded his "tumbies" and his dressing
+(<i>not</i> including the shaving), and made his way to Mr.
+Bouncer's rooms, where he did full justice to the dove-tart, and
+admired the spread-eagle so much, that he thought of bribing the
+confectioner for the recipe to take home as a Christmas-box for his
+mother.</p>
+<p>"Well, Giglamps," said Mr. Bouncer, when breakfast was over, "to
+spare the blushes on your venerable cheeks, I won't even so much as
+refer to the billyduxes; but, I'll only ask, what was the damage of
+the tick?"</p>
+<p>"Oh! it was not a bill," replied Mr. Verdant Green; "it was a
+letter about a dog from the man of whom I bought Mop last
+term."</p>
+<p>"What! Filthy Lucre?" cried Mr. Bouncer; "well, I thought,
+somehow, I knew the fist! he writes just as if he'd learnt from
+imitating his dogs' hind-legs. Let's have a sight of it if it ain't
+private and confidential!"</p>
+<p>"Oh dear no! on the contrary, I was going to show it to you, and
+ask your advice on the contents." And Verdant handed to Mr. Bouncer
+a letter, which had been elaborately sealed with the aid of a key,
+and was directed high up in the left-hand corner to</p>
+<br />
+<blockquote>"Virdon grene esqre braisenface collidge
+Oxford."</blockquote>
+<p>"You look beastly lazy, Charley!" said Mr. Bouncer to Mr.
+Charles Larkyns; "so, while I fill my pipe, just spit out the
+letter, <i>pro bono</i>." And Charles
+Larkyns, lying in Mr. Bouncer's easiest lounging chair, read as
+follows:-</p>
+<blockquote>"Onnerd sir i tak the libbaty of a Dressin of you in
+respex of A dog which i wor sorry For to ear of your Loss in mop
+which i had The pleshur of Sellin of 2 you onnerd sir A going
+astray And not a turnin hup Bein of A unsurtin Tempor and guv to A
+folarin of strandgers which wor maybe as ow You wor a lusein on him
+onnerd Sir bein Overdogd at this ere present i can let you have A
+rale good teryer at A barrging which wold giv sattefacshun onnered
+Sir it wor 12 munth ago i Sold to Bounser esqre a red smooth air
+terier Dog anserin 2 nam of Tug as wor rite down goodun and No
+mistake onnerd Sir the purpurt Of this ere is too say as ow i have
+a Hone brother to Tug black tann and ful ears and If you wold like
+him i shold bee prowd too wate on you onnerd Sir he wor by
+robbingsons Twister out of mister jones of abingdons Fan of witch
+brede Bounser esqre nose on the merritts onnerd Sir he is very Smal
+and smooth air and most xlent aither for wood Or warter a liter
+before Tug onnerd Sir is nam is Vermin and he hant got his nam by
+no mistake as No Vermin not even poll katts can live long before
+him onnerd Sir I considders as vermin is very sootble compannion
+for a Gent indors or hout and bein lively wold give amoosement i
+shall fele it A plesure a waitin on you onnerd Sir opin you will
+pardin the libbaty of a Dressin of you but my head wor ful of
+vermin and i wishd to tel you</blockquote>
+<center>"onnerd Sir yures 2 komand j. Looker."</center>
+<p>"The nasty beggar!" said Mr. Bouncer, in reference to the last
+paragraph. "Well, Giglamps! Filthy Lucre doesn't tell fibs when he
+says that Tug came of a good breed: but he was so doosed
+pugnacious, that he was always having set-to's with Huz and Buz, in
+the coal-shop just outside the door here; and so, as I'd nowhere
+else to stow them, I was obliged to give Tug away. Dr.
+What's-his-name says, 'Let dogs delight to bark and bite, for 'tis
+their nature to.' But then, you see, it's only a delight when they
+bite <i>somebody else's</i> dog; and if Dr. What's-his-name had had
+a kennel of his own, he would'nt have took it so coolly; and,
+whether it was their nature so to do or not, he wouldn't have let
+the little beggars, that he fork'd out thirteen bob a-year for to
+the government, amuse themselves by biting each other, or tearing
+out each other's eyes; he'd have turn'd them over, don't you see,
+to his neighbours' dogs, and have let them do the biting department
+on <i>them</i>. And, altogether, Giglamps, I'd advise you to let
+Filthy Lucre's Vermin alone, and have nothing to do with the
+breed."</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Charles Larkyns reads aloud an unsolicited letter from 'Filthy Lucre'***"
+src="images/VG180.JPG" width="509" height="413" /></p>
+<p>So Mr. Verdant Green took his friend's advice, and then took
+himself off to learn boxing at the hands, and gloves, of the Putney
+Pet; for our hero, at the suggestion of Mr. Charles Larkyns, had
+thought it advisable to receive a few lessons in the fistic art, in
+order that he might be the better able to defend himself, should he
+be engaged in a second Town and Gown. He found the Pet in
+attendance upon Mr. Foote; and, by their mutual aid, speedily
+mastered the elements of the Art of Self-defence.</p>
+<p>Mr. Foote's rooms at St. John's were in the further corner to
+the right-hand side of the Quad, and had windows looking into the
+gardens. When Charles had held his Court at St. John's, and when
+the loyal College had melted down its plate to coin into money for
+the King's necessities, the Royal visitor had occupied these very
+rooms. But it was not on this account alone that they were the show
+rooms of the College, and that tutors sent their compliments to Mr.
+Foote, with the request that he would allow a party of friends to
+see his rooms. It was chiefly on account of the lavish manner in
+which Mr. Foote had furnished his rooms, with what he theatrically
+called "properties," that made them so sought out: and country
+lionisers of Oxford, who took their impressions of an Oxford
+student's room from those of Mr. Foote, must have entertained very
+highly coloured ideas of the internal aspect of the sober-looking
+old Colleges.</p>
+<p>The sitting-room was large and lofty, and was panelled with oak
+throughout. At the further end was an elaborately carved book-case
+of walnut wood, filled with books gorgeously bound in every tint of
+morocco and vellum, with their backs richly tooled in gold. It was
+currently reported in the College that "Footelights" had given an
+order for a certain number of <i>feet</i> of books, - not being at
+all proud as to their contents, - and had laid down the sum of a
+thousand pounds (or thereabouts) for their binding. This might have
+been scandal; but the fact of his father being a Colossus of (the
+iron) Roads, and indulging his son and heir in every expense, gave
+some colour to the rumour.</p>
+<p>The panels were covered with the choicest engravings (all
+proofs-before-letters), and with water-colour drawings by
+Cattermole, Cox, Fripp, Hunt, and Frederick Tayler - their wide,
+white margins being sunk in light gilt frames. Above these gleamed
+groups of armour, standing out effectively (and theatrically),
+against the dark oak panels, and full of "reflected lights," that
+would have gladdened the heart of Maclise. There were couches of
+velvet, and lounging chairs of every variety and shape. There was a
+Broadwood's grand pianoforte, on which Mr. Foote, although
+uninstructed, could play skilfully. There were round tables and
+square tables, and writing tables; and there were side tables with
+statuettes, and Swiss carvings, and old china, and gold
+apostle-spoons, and lava ware, and Etruscan vases, and a swarm of
+Spiers's elegant knick-knackeries. There were reading-stands of all
+sorts; Briarean-armed brazen ones that fastened on to the chair you
+sat in, - sloping ones to rest on the table before you, elaborately
+carved in open work, and an upright one of severe Gothic, like a
+lectern, where you were to stand and read without contracting your
+chest. Then there were all kinds of stands to hold books: sliding
+ones, expanding ones, portable ones, heavy fixture ones, plain
+mahogany ones, and oak ones made glorious by Margetts with the arms
+of Oxford and St. John's, carved and emblazoned on the ends.</p>
+<p>Mr. Foote's rooms were altogether a very gorgeous instance of a
+Collegian's apartment; and Mr. Foote himself was a very striking
+example of the theatrical undergraduate. Possessing great powers of
+mimicry and facial expression, he was able to imitate any
+peculiarities which were to be observed either in Dons or
+Undergraduates, in Presidents or Scouts. He could sit down at his
+piano, and give you - after the manner of Theodore Hook, or John
+Parry - a burlesque opera; singing high up in his head for the
+prima donna, and going down to his boots for the <i>basso
+profondo</i> of the great Lablache. He could also draw corks, saw
+wood, do a bee in a handkerchief,</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"Mr. Foote grovelling on the carpet emulating Mr. Charles Kean playing Hamlet"
+src="images/VG183.JPG" /></p>
+<p>and make monkeys, cats, dogs, a farm-yard, or a full band, with
+equal facility. He would also give you Mr. Keeley, in "Betsy
+Baker;" Mr. Paul Bedford, as "I believe you my bo-o-oy"; Mr.
+Buckstone, as Cousin Joe, and "Box and Cox;" or Mr. Wright, as Paul
+Pry, or Mr. Felix Fluffy. Besides the comedians, Mr. Footelights
+would also give you the leading tragedians, and would favour you
+(through his nose) with the popular burlesque imitation of Mr.
+Charles Kean, as <i>Hablet</i>. He would
+fling himself down on the carpet, and grovel there as Hamlet does
+in the play-scene, and would exclaim, with frantic vehemence, "He
+poisods hib i' the garded, for his estate. His dabe's Godzago: the
+story is extadt, ad writted id very choice Italiad. You shall see
+adod, how the burderer gets the love of Godzago's wife." Moreover,
+as his room possessed the singularity of a trap-door leading down
+into a wine-cellar, Mr. "Footelights" was thus enabled to leap down
+into the aperture, and carry on the personation of Hamlet in
+Ophelia's grave. As the theatrical trait in his character was
+productive of much amusement, and as he was also considered to be
+one of those hilarious fragments of masonry, popularly known as
+"jolly bricks," Mr. Foote's society was greatly cultivated; and Mr.
+Verdant Green struck up a warm friendship with him.</p>
+<p>But the Michaelmas term was drawing to its close. Buttery and
+kitchen books were adding up their sums total; bursars were
+preparing for battels; <font color="#FF0000">[34]</font> witless
+men were cramming for Collections; <font color=
+"#FF0000">[35]</font> scouts and bedmakers were looking for tips;
+and tradesmen were hopelessly expecting their little accounts. And,
+in a few days, Mr. Verdant Green might have been seen at the
+railway station, in company with Mr. Charles Larkyns and Mr.
+Bouncer, setting out for the Manor Green, <i>via</i> London - this
+being, as is well known, the most direct route from Oxford to
+Warwickshire.</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[34] Battels are the accounts of the expenses of each student. It
+is stated in Todd's <i>Johnson</i> that this singular word is
+derived from the Saxon verb, meaning "to count or reckon." But it
+is stated in the <i>Gentleman's Magazine</i> for 1792, that the
+word may probably be derived from the Low-German word
+<i>bettahlen</i>, "to pay," whence may come our English word,
+<i>tale</i> or <i>score</i>.<br />
+[35] College Terminal Examinations.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>Mr. Bouncer, who when travelling was never easy in his mind
+unless Huz and Buz were with him in the same carriage, had placed
+these two interesting specimens of the canine species in a small
+light box, partially ventilated by means of holes drilled through
+the top. But Huz and Buz, not much admiring this contracted mode of
+conveyance, and probably suffering from incipient asphyxia, in
+spite of the admonitory kicks against their box, gave way to dismal
+howls, at the very moment when the guard came to look at the
+tickets.</p>
+<p>"Can't allow dogs in here, sir! they must go in the locker,"
+said the guard.</p>
+<p>"Dogs?" cried Mr. Bouncer, in apparent astonishment: "they're
+rabbits!"</p>
+<p>"Rabbits!" ejaculated the guard, in his turn. "Oh, come, sir!
+what makes rabbits bark?"</p>
+<p>"What makes 'em bark? Why, because they've got the pip, poor
+beggars!" replied Mr. Bouncer, promptly. At which the guard
+graciously laughed, and retired; probably thinking that he should,
+in the end, be a gainer if he allowed Huz and Buz to journey in the
+same first-class carriage with their master.</p>
+<a name="ch2.8" id="ch2.8"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents2">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER VIII.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN SPENDS A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW
+YEAR.</h4>
+<p>CHRISTMAS had come; the season of kindness, and hospitality; the
+season when the streams of benevolence flow full in their channels;
+the season when the Honourable Miss Hyems indulges herself with
+ice, while the vulgar Jack Frost regales himself with cold-without.
+Christmas had come, and had brought with it an old fashioned
+winter; and, as Mr. Verdant Green stands with his hands in his
+pockets, and gazes from the drawing-room of his paternal mansion,
+he looks forth upon a white world.</p>
+<p>The snow is everywhere. The shrubs are weighed down by masses of
+it; the terrace is knee-deep in it; the plaster Apollo, in the
+long-walk, is more than knee-deep in it, and is furnished with a
+surplice and wig, like a half-blown Bishop. The distant country
+looks the very ghost of a landscape: the white-walled cottages seem
+part and parcel of the snow-drifts around them, - drifts that take
+every variety of form, and are swept by the wind into faery
+wreaths, and fantastic caves. The old mill-wheel is locked fast,
+and gemmed with giant icicles; its slippery stairs are more
+slippery than ever. Golden gorse and purple heather are now all of
+a colour; orchards put forth blossoms of real snow; the gently
+swelling hills look bright and dazzling in the wintry sun; the grey
+church tower has grown from grey to white; nothing looks black,
+except the swarms of rooks that dot the snowy fields, or make their
+caws (long as any Chancery-suit) to be heard from among the dark
+branches of the stately elms that form the avenue to the
+Manor-Green.</p>
+<p>It is a rare busy time for the intelligent Mr. Mole the
+gardener! he is always sweeping at that avenue, and, do what he
+will, he cannot keep it clear from snow. As Mr. Verdant Green looks
+forth upon the white world, his gaze is more particularly directed
+to this avenue, as though the form of the intelligent Mr. Mole was
+an object of interest. From time to time Mr. Verdant Green consults
+his watch in a nervous manner, and is utterly indifferent to the
+appeals of the robin-redbreast who is
+hopping about outside, in expectation of the dinner which has been
+daily given to him.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG looks out from the Manor Green upon a winter landscape***"
+src="images/VG185.JPG" /></p>
+<p>Just when the robin, emboldened by hunger, has begun to tap
+fiercely with his bill against the window-pane, as a gentle hint
+that the smallest donations of crumbs of comfort will be thankfully
+received, - Mr. Verdant Green, utterly oblivious of robins in
+general, and of the sharp pecks of this one in particular, takes no
+notice of the little redbreast waiter with the bill, but, slightly
+colouring up, fixes his gaze upon the lodge-gate through which a
+group of ladies and gentlemen are passing. Stepping back for a
+moment, and stealing a glance at himself in the mirror, Mr. Verdant
+Green hurriedly arranges and disarranges his hair - pulls about his
+collar - ties and unties his neck-handkerchief - buttons and then
+unbuttons his coat - takes another look from the window - sees the
+intelligent Mr. Mole. (besom in hand) salaaming the party, and then
+makes a rush for the vestibule, to be at the door to receive
+them.</p>
+<p>Let us take a look at them as they come up the avenue. <i>Place
+aux dames</i>, is the proper sort of thing; but as there is no rule
+without its exception, and no adage without its counter-proverb, we
+will give the gentlemen the priority of description.</p>
+<p>Hale and hearty, the picture of amiability and gentlemanly
+feeling, comes the Rector, Mr. Larkyns, sturdily crunching the
+frozen snow, which has defied all the besom powers of the
+intelligent Mr. Mole. Here, too, is Mr. Charles Larkyns, and,
+moreover, his friend Henry Bouncer, Esq., who has come to christmas
+at the Rectory. Following in their wake is a fourth gentleman
+attired in the costume peculiar to clergymen, dissenting ministers,
+linen-drapers' assistants, and tavern waiters. He happens to belong
+to the first-named section, and is no less a person than the Rev.
+Josiah Meek, B.A., (St. Christopher's Coll., Oxon.) - who, for the
+last three months, has officiated as Mr. Larkyns's curate. He
+appears to be of a peace-loving, lamb-like disposition; and, though
+sportive as a lamb when occasion requires, is yet of timid ways and
+manners. He is timid, too, in voice, - speaking in a feeble treble;
+he is timid, too, in his address, - more particularly as regards
+females; and he has mild-looking whiskers, that are far too timid
+to assume any decided or obtrusive colour, and have fallen back on
+a generalized whitey-brown tint. But, though timid enough in
+society, he was bold and energetic in the discharge of his pastoral
+duties, and had already won the esteem of every one in the parish.
+So, Verdant had been told, when, on his return from college, he had
+asked his sisters how they liked the new curate. They had not only
+heard of his good deeds, but they had witnessed many of them in
+their visits to the schools and among the poor. Mary and Fanny were
+loud in his praise; and if Helen said but little, it was perhaps
+because she thought the more; for Helen was now of the susceptible
+age of "sweet seventeen," an age that not only feels warmly but
+thinks deeply; and, who shall say what feelings and thoughts may
+lie beneath the pure waters of that sea of maidenhood whose surface
+is so still and calm? Love alone can tell: - Love, the bold diver,
+who can cleave that still surface, and bring up into the light of
+heaven the rich treasures that are of Heaven's own creation.</p>
+<p>With the four gentlemen come two ladies - young ladies,
+moreover, who, as penny-a-liners say, are "possessed of
+considerable personal attractions." These are the Misses Honeywood,
+the blooming daughters of the rector's only sister; and they have
+come from the far land of the North, and are looking as fresh and
+sweet as their own heathery hills. The roses of health that bloom
+upon their cheeks have been brought into full blow by the keen,
+sharp breeze; the shepherd's-plaid shawls drawn tightly around them
+give the outline of figures that gently swell into the luxuriant
+line of beauty and grace. Altogether, they are damsels who are
+pleasant to the eye, and very fair to look upon.</p>
+<p>Since they had last visited their uncle four years had passed,
+and, in that time, they had shot up to womanhood, although they
+were not yet out of their teens. Their father was a landed
+proprietor living in north Northumberland; and, like other landed
+proprietors who live under the shade of the Cheviots, was rich in
+his flocks, and his herds, and his men-servants and his
+maid-servants, and his he-asses and his she-asses, and was quite a
+modern patriarch. During the past summer, the rector had taken a
+trip to Northumberland, in order to see his sister, and refresh
+himself with a clergyman's fortnight at
+Honeywood Hall, and he would not leave his sister and her husband
+until he had extracted from them a promise that they would bring
+down their two eldest daughters and christmas in Warwickshire. This
+was accordingly agreed to, and, more than that, acted upon; and
+little Mr. Bouncer and his sister Fanny were asked to meet them;
+but, to relieve the rector of a superfluity of lady guests, Miss
+Bouncer's quarters had been removed to the Manor Green.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: A party from Honeywood Hall approaches the Manor Green via the avenue***"
+src="images/VG187.JPG" /></p>
+<p>It was quite an event in the history of our hero and his
+sisters. Four years ago, they, and Kitty and Patty Honeywood, were
+mere chits, for whom dolls had not altogether lost their interest,
+and who considered it as promotion when they sat in the
+drawing-room on company evenings, instead of being shown up at
+dessert. Four years at this period of life makes a vast change in
+young ladies, and the Green and Honeywood girls had so altered
+since last they met, that they had almost needed a fresh
+introduction to each other. But a day's intimacy made them bosom
+friends; and the Manor Green soon saw such revels as it had not
+seen for many a long year.</p>
+<p>Every night there were (in the language of the play-bills of
+provincial theatres) "singing and dancing, with a variety of other
+entertainments;" the "other entertainments" occasionally consisting
+(as is scandalously affirmed) of a very favourite class of
+entertainment - popular at all times, but running mad riot at the
+Christmas season - wherein two performers of either sex take their
+places beneath a white-berried bough, and go through a species of
+dance, or <i>pas de fascination</i>, accompanied by mysterious
+rites and solemnities that have been scrupulously observed, and
+handed down to us, from the earliest age.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG and Miss Patty Honeywood dance***" src=
+"images/VG188.JPG" /></p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green, during the short - alas! <i>too</i> short -
+Christmas week, had performed more polkas than he had ever danced
+in his life; and, under the charming tuition of Miss Patty
+Honeywood, was fast becoming a proficient in the <i>valse a deux
+temps</i>. As yet, the whirl of the dance brought on a
+corresponding rotatory motion of the brain, that made everything
+swim before his spectacles in a way which will be easily understood
+by all bad travellers who have crossed from Dover to Calais with a
+chopping sea and a gale of wind. But Miss Patty Honeywood was both
+good-natured and persevering: and she allowed our hero to dance on
+her feet without a murmur, and watchfully guided him when his giddy
+vision would have led them into contact with foreign bodies.</p>
+<p>It is an old saying, that Gratitude begets Love. Mr. Verdant
+Green had already reached the first part of this dangerous
+creation, for he felt grateful to the pretty Patty for the
+good-humoured trouble she bestowed on the awkwardness, which he
+now, for the first time, began painfully to perceive. But, what his
+gratitude might end in, he had perhaps never taken the trouble to
+inquire. It was enough to Mr. Verdant Green that he enjoyed the
+present; and, as to the future, he fully followed out the Horatian
+precept-</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>
+<center>Quid sit futurum cras, fuge quarere;</center>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<center>*** nec dulces amores</center>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<center>Sperne, puer, neque tu choreas.</center>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG seated to be photographed by Miss Bouncer***" src=
+"images/VG189.JPG" /></p>
+<p>It was perhaps ungrateful in our hero
+to prefer Miss Patty Honeywood to Miss Fanny Bouncer, especially
+when the latter was staying in the house, and had been so warmly
+recommended to his notice by her vivacious brother. Especially,
+too, as there was nothing to be objected to in Miss Bouncer, saving
+the fact that some might have affirmed she was a trifle too much
+inclined to <i>embonpoint</i>, and was indeed a bouncer in person
+as well as in name. Especially, too, as Miss Fanny Bouncer was both
+good-humoured and clever, and, besides being mistress of the usual
+young-lady accomplishments, was a clever proficient in the
+fascinating art of photography, and had brought her camera and
+chemicals, and had not only calotyped Mr. Verdant Green, but had
+made no end of duplicates of him, in a manner that was suggestive
+of the deepest admiration and affection. But these sort of likings
+are not made to rule, and Mr. Verdant Green could see Miss Fanny
+Bouncer approach without betraying any of those symptoms of
+excitement, under the influence of which we had the privilege to
+see him, as he gazed from the window of his paternal mansion, and
+then, on beholding the approaching form of Miss Patty Honeywood,
+rush wildly to the vestibule.</p>
+<p>The party had no occasion to ring, for the hall door was already
+opened for them, and Mr. Verdant Green was soon exchanging a
+delightful pressure of the hand with the blooming Patty.</p>
+<p>"We were such a formidable party," said that young lady, as she
+laughed merrily, and thereby disclosed to the enraptured gazer a
+remarkably even set of white teeth ("All her own, too!" as little
+Mr. Bouncer afterwards remarked to the enraptured gazer); "we were
+such a formidable party," said Miss Patty, "that papa and mamma
+declared they would stay behind at the Rectory, and would not join
+in such a visitation."</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green replies, "Oh dear! I am very sorry," and looks
+remarkably delighted - though it certainly may not be at the
+absence of the respected couple; and he then proclaims that
+everything is ready, and that Miss Bouncer and his sisters had
+found out some capital words.</p>
+<p>"What a mysterious communication, Verdant!" remarks the rector,
+as they pass into the house. But the rector is only to be let so
+far into the secret as to be informed that, at the evening party
+which is to be held at the Manor Green that night, a charade or two
+will be acted, in order to diversify the amusements. The Misses
+Honeywood are great adepts in this sort of pastime; so, also, are
+Miss Bouncer and her brother. For although the latter does not
+shine as a mimic, yet, as he is never deserted by his accustomed
+coolness, he has plenty of the <i>nonchalance</i> and readiness
+which is a requisite for charade acting. The Miss Honeywoods and
+Mr. Bouncer have therefore suggested to Mr. Verdant Green and his
+sisters, that to get up a little amateur performance would be
+"great fun;" and the suggestion has met with a warm approval.</p>
+<p>The drawing-room at the Manor Green opened by large
+folding-doors to the library; so (as Mr. Bouncer observed to our
+hero), "there you've got your stage and your drop-scene as right as
+a trivet; and, if you stick a lot of candles and lights on each
+side of the doors in the library, there you'll have a regular
+flare-up that'll show off your venerable giglamps no end."</p>
+<p>So charades were determined on; and, when words had been hunted
+up, a council of war was called. But, as the ladies and gentlemen
+hold their council with closed doors, we cannot intrude upon them.
+We must therefore wait till the evening, when the result of their
+deliberations will be publicly manifested.</p>
+<a name="ch2.9" id="ch2.9"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents2">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER IX.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN MAKES HIS FIRST APPEARANCE ON ANY
+BOARDS.</h4>
+<p>IT is the last night of December. The old year, worn out and
+spent with age, lies a dying[sic], wrapped in sheets of snow.</p>
+<p>A stern stillness reigns around. The steps of men are muffled;
+no echoing footfalls disturb the solemn nature of the time. The
+little runnels weep icy tears. The dark pines hang out their
+funereal plumes, and nod with their weight of snow. The elms have
+thrown off their green robes of joy, and,
+standing up in gaunt nakedness, wildly toss to heaven their
+imploring arms. The old year lies a dying.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Snow-bound approach to the Manor Green***" src=
+"images/VG191.JPG" /></p>
+<p>Silently through the snow steal certain carriages to the portals
+of the Manor Green: and, with a ringing of bells and a banging of
+steps, the occupants disappear in a stream of light that issues
+from the hall door. Mr. Green's small sanctum to the right of the
+hall has been converted into a cloak-room, and is fitted up with a
+ladies'-maid and a looking-glass, in a manner not to be remembered
+by the oldest inhabitant.</p>
+<p>There the finishing stroke of ravishment is given to the
+toilette disarranged by a long drive through the impeding snow.
+There Miss Parkington (whose papa has lately revived his old school
+friendship with Mr. Green) discovers, to her unspeakable disgust,
+that the ten mile drive through the cold has invested her cheek
+with purple tints, and given to her <i>retrousse</i> (ill-natured
+people call it "pug") nose a hue that mocks</p>
+<center>The turkey's crested fringe.</center>
+<p>There, too, Miss Waters (whose paternities had hitherto only
+been on morning-call terms with the Manor Green people, but had
+brushed up their acquaintance now that there was a son of
+marriageable years and heir to an independent fortune) discovers to
+her dismay that the joltings received during a six-mile drive
+through snowed-up lanes, have somewhat deteriorated the very
+full-dress aspect of her attire, and considerably flattened its
+former balloon-like dimensions. And there, too, Miss Brindle (whose
+family have been hunted up for the occasion) makes the alarming
+discovery that, in the lurch which their
+hack-fly had made at the cross roads, her brother Alfred's patent
+boots had not only dragged off some yards (more or less) of her
+flounces, but had also - to use her own mystical language - "torn
+her skirt at the gathers!"</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Ladies' toilette at the Manor Green***" src=
+"images/VG192.JPG" /></p>
+<p>All, however, is put right as far as possible. A warm at the
+sanctum's fire diminishes the purple in Miss Parkington's cheeks;
+and the maid, by some hocus-pocus peculiar to her craft, again
+inflates Miss Waters into a balloon, and stitches up Miss Brindle's
+flounces and "gathers." The ladies join their respective gentlemen,
+who have been cooling their toes and uttering warm anathemas in the
+hall; and the party sail, arm-in-arm, into the drawing-room, and
+forthwith fall to lively remarks on that neutral ground of
+conversation, the weather.</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green is there, dressed with elaborate magnificence;
+but he continues in a state of listless apathy, and is indifferent
+to the "lively" rattle of the balloon-like Miss Waters, until John
+the footman (who is suffering from influenza) rouses him into
+animation by the magic talisman "Bister, Bissis, an' the Biss
+"Oneywoods;" when he beams through his spectacles in the most
+benign and satisfied manner.</p>
+<p>The Misses Honeywood are as blooming as usual: the cold air,
+instead of spoiling their good looks, has but improved their
+healthy style of beauty; and they smile, laugh, and talk in a
+perfectly easy, unaffected, and natural manner. Mr. Verdant Green
+at once makes his way to Miss Patty Honeywood's side, and,
+gracefully standing beside her, coffee-cup in hand, plunges
+headlong into the depths of a tangled conversation.
+</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG and Miss Patty Honeywood***" src=
+"images/VG193.JPG" /></p>
+<p>Meanwhile, the drawing-room of the Manor Green becomes filled in
+a way that has not been seen for many a long year; and the
+intelligent Mr. Mole, the gardener (who has been impressed as an
+odd man for the occasion, and is served up in a pseudo-livery to
+make him more presentable), sees more "genteel" people than have,
+for a long time, been visible to his naked eye. The intelligent Mr.
+Mole, when he has afterwards been restored to the bosom of Mrs.
+Mole and his family, confides to his equally intelligent helpmate
+that, in his opinion, "Master has guv the party to get husbands for
+the young ladies" - an opinion which, though perhaps not founded on
+fact so far as it related to the party which was the subject of Mr.
+Mole's remark, would doubtless be applicable to many similar
+parties given under somewhat similar circumstances.</p>
+<p>It is not improbable that the intelligent Mr. Mole may have
+based his opinion on a circumstance - which, to a gentleman of his
+sagacity, must have carried great weight - namely, that whenever in
+the course of the evening the hall was made the promenade for the
+loungers and dancers, he perceived, firstly, that Miss Green was
+invariably accompanied by Mr. Charles Larkyns; secondly, that the
+Rev. Josiah Meek kept Miss Helen dallying about the wine and
+lemonade tray much longer than was necessary for the mere
+consumption of the cooling liquids; and thirdly, that Miss Fanny,
+who was a pert, talkative Miss of sixteen, was continually to be
+found there with either Mr. Henry Bouncer or Mr. Alfred Brindle
+dancing attendance upon her. But, be this as it may, the
+intelligent Mr. Mole was impressed with the conviction that Mr.
+Green had called his young friends together as to a matrimonial
+auction, and that his daughters were to be put up without reserve,
+and knocked down to the highest bidder.</p>
+<p>All the party have arrived. The weather has been talked over for
+the last time (for the present); a harp, violin, and a
+cornet-a-piston from the county town, influenced by the spirit of
+gin-and-water, are heard discoursing most eloquent music in the
+dining-room, which has been cleared out for the dance. Miss Patty
+Honeywood, accepting the offer of Mr. Verdant Green's arm, swims
+joyously out of the room; other ladies and gentlemen pair, and
+follow: the ball is opened.</p>
+<p>A polka follows the quadrille; and, while the dancers rest
+awhile from their exertions, or crowd around the piano in the
+drawing-room to hear the balloon-like Miss Waters play a firework
+piece of music, in which execution takes the place of melody, and
+chromatic scales are discharged from her fingers like showers of
+rockets, Mr. Verdant Green mysteriously weeds out certain members
+of the party, and vanishes with them up-stairs.</p>
+<p>When Miss Waters has discharged all her fireworks, and has
+descended from the throne of her music-stool, a set of Lancers is
+formed; and, while the usual mistakes are being made in the
+figures, the dancers find a fruitful subject of conversation in
+surmises that a charade is going to be acted. The surmise proves to
+be correct; for when the set has been brought to an end with that
+peculiar in-and-out tum-tum-tiddle-iddle-tum-tum-tum movement which
+characterizes the last figure of <i>Les Lanciers</i>, the trippers
+on the light fantastic toe are requested to assemble in the
+drawing-room, where the chairs and couches have been pulled up to
+face the folding doors that lead into the library. Mr. Verdant
+Green appears; and, after announcing that the word to be acted will
+be one of three syllables, and that each syllable will be
+represented by itself, and that then the complete word will be
+given, throws open the folding doors for</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: The salon set for charades***" src=
+"images/VG195.JPG" /></p>
+<p>SCENE I. <i>Syllable</i> 1. - Enter the Miss Honeywoods, dressed
+in fashionable bonnets and shawls. They are shown in by a footman
+(Mr. Bouncer) attired in a peculiarly ingenious and
+effective livery, made by pulling up the
+trousers to the knee, and wearing the dress-coat inside out, so as
+to display the crimson silk linings of the sleeves: the effect of
+Mr. Bouncer's appearance is considerably heightened by a judicious
+outlay of flour sprinkled over his hair. Mr. Bouncer (as footman)
+gives the ladies chairs, and inquires, "What name shall I be
+pleased to say, mem?" Miss Patty answers in a languid and
+fashionable voice, "The Ladies Louisa and Arabella Mountfidget."
+Mr. Bouncer evaporates with a low bow, leaving the ladies to play
+with their parasols, and converse. Lady Arabella (Miss Patty) then
+expresses a devout wish that Lady Trotter (wife of Sir Lambkin
+Trotter, Bart.), in whose house they are supposed to be, will not
+keep them waiting as long as she detained her aunt, Lady
+Bellwether, when the poor old lady fell asleep from sheer fatigue,
+and was found snoring on the sofa. Lady Louisa then falls to an
+inspection of the card-tray, and reads the paste-boards of some
+high-sounding titles not to be found in Debrett, and expresses
+wonder as to where Lady Trotter can have picked up the Duchess of
+Ditchwater's card, as she (Lady Louisa) is morally convinced that
+her Grace can never have condescended to have even sent in her card
+by a footman. Becoming impatient at the non-appearance of Lady
+Trotter, Miss Patty Honeywood then rings the bell, and, with much
+asperity of manner, inquires of Mr. Bouncer (as footman) if Lady
+Trotter is informed that the Ladies Louisa and Arabella Mountfidget
+are waiting to see her? Mr. Bouncer replies, with a footman's bow,
+and a footman's <i>h</i>exasperation of his h's, "Me lady is haweer
+hof your ladyships' visit; but me lady is at present hunable to
+happear: me lady, 'owever, has give me a message, which she hasks
+me to deliver to your ladyships." Then why don't you deliver it at
+once," says Miss Patty, "and not waste the valuable time of the
+Ladies Louisa and Arabella Mountfidget? What <i>is</i> the
+message?" "Me lady," replies Mr. Bouncer, "requests me to present
+her compliments to your ladyships, and begs me to hinform you that
+me lady is a cleaning of herself!" Amid great laughter from the
+audience, the Ladies Mountfidget toss their heads and flutter
+grandly out of the room, followed by the floured footman; while Mr.
+Verdant Green, unseen by those in front, pushes-to the folding
+doors, to show that the first syllable is performed.</p>
+<p>Praises of the acting, and guesses at the word, agreeably fill
+up the time till the next scene. The Rev.d Josiah Meek, who is not
+much used to charades, confides to Miss Helen Green that he
+surmises the word to be, either "visitor" or "impudence;" but, as
+the only ground to this surmise rests on these two words being
+words of three syllables, Miss Helen gently repels the idea, and
+sagely observes, "we shall see more in the next scene."</p>
+<p>SCENE II. <i>Syllable</i> 2. - The folding-doors open, and
+discover Mr. Verdant Green, as a sick gentleman, lying on a sofa,
+in a dressing-gown, with pillows under his head, and Miss Patty
+Honeywood in attendance upon him. A table, covered with glasses and
+medicine bottles, is drawn up to the sufferer's couch in an
+inviting manner. Miss Patty informs the sufferer that the time is
+come for him to take his draught. The sufferer groans in a dismal
+manner, and says, "Oh! is it, my dear?" She replies, "Yes! you must
+take it now;" and sternly pours some sherry wine out of the
+medicine bottle into a cup. The sufferer makes piteous faces, and
+exclaims, "It is so nasty, I can't take it, my love!" (It is to be
+observed that Mr. Verdant Green, skilfully taking advantage of the
+circumstance that Miss Patty Honeywood is supposed to represent the
+wife of the sufferer, plentifully besprinkles his conversation with
+endearing epithets.) When, after much persuasion and groaning, the
+sufferer has been induced to take his medicine, his spouse
+announces the arrival of the doctor; when, enter Mr. Bouncer, still
+floured as to his head, but wearing spectacles, a long black coat,
+and a shirt-frill, and having his dress otherwise altered so as to
+represent a medical man of the old school. The doctor asks what
+sort of a night his patient has had, inspects his
+</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Green senior and others view the charades***" src=
+"images/VG197.JPG" /></p>
+<p>tongue with professional gravity, feels his pulse, looks at his
+watch, and mysteriously shakes his head. He then commences
+thrusting and poking Mr. Verdant Green in various parts of his
+body, - after the manner of doctors with their victims, and farmers
+with their beasts, - inquiring between each poke, "Does that hurt
+you?" and being answered by a convulsive "Oh!" and a groan of
+agony. The doctor then prescribes a draught to be taken every
+half-hour, with the pills and blister at bed-time; and, after
+covering his two fellow-actors with confusion, by observing that he
+leaves his patient in admirable hands, and, that in an affection of
+the heart, the application of lip-salve and warm treatment will
+give a decided tone to the system, and produce soothing and
+grateful emotions - takes his leave; and the folding-doors are
+closed on the blushes of Miss Patty Honeywood, and Mr. Verdant
+Green.</p>
+<p>More applause: more agreeable conversation: more ingenious
+speculations. The Revd. Josiah Meek is now of opinion that the word
+is either "medicine" or "suffering." Miss Helen still sagely
+observes, "we shall see more in the next scene."</p>
+<p>SCENE III. <i>Syllable</i> 3. - Mr. Verdant Green discovered
+sitting at a table furnished with pens and ink, books, and rolls of
+paper. Mr. Verdant Green wears on his head a Chelsea pensioner's
+cocked-hat (the "property" of the Family, - as Mr. Footelights
+would have said), folded into a shovel shape; and is supposed to
+accurately represent the outside of a London publisher. To him
+enter Mr. Bouncer - the flour off his head - coat buttoned tightly
+to the throat, no visible linen, and wearing in his face and
+appearance generally, "the garb of humility." Says the publisher
+"Now, sir, please to state your business, and be quick about it: I
+am much engaged in looking over for the press a work of a
+distinguished author, which I am just about to publish." Meekly
+replies the other, as he holds under his arm an immense paper
+packet: "It is about a work of my own, sir, that I have now
+ventured to intrude upon you. I have here, sir, a small
+manuscript," (producing his roll of a book), "which I am ambitious
+to see given to the world through the medium of your printing
+establishment." To him, the Publisher - "Already am I inundated
+with manuscripts on all possible subjects, and cannot undertake to
+look at any more for some time to come. What is the nature of your
+manuscript?" Meekly replies the other - "The theme of my work, sir,
+is a History of England before the Flood. The subject is both new
+and interesting. It is to be presumed that our beloved country
+existed before the Flood: if so, it must have had a history. I have
+therefore endeavoured to fill up what is lacking in the annals of
+our land, by a record of its antediluvian state, adapted to the
+meanest comprehension, and founded on the most baseless facts. I am
+desirous, sir, to see myself in print. I should like my work, sir,
+to appear in large letters; in very large letters, sir. Indeed,
+sir, it would give me joy, if you would condescend to print it
+altogether in capital letters: my <i>magnum opus</i> might then be
+called with truth, a capital work." To him, the Publisher - "Much
+certainly depends on the character of the printing." Meekly the
+author - "Indeed, sir, it does. A great book, sir, should be
+printed in great letters. If you will permit me, I will show you
+the size of the letters in which I should wish my book to be
+printed." Mr. Bouncer then points out in some books on the table,
+the printing he most admires; and, beseeching the Publisher to read
+over his manuscript, and think favourably of his History of England
+before the Flood, makes his bow to Mr. Verdant Green and the
+Chelsea pensioner's cocked hat.</p>
+<p>More applause, and speculations. The Revd. Josiah Meek confident
+that he has discovered the word. It must be either "publisher" or
+"authorship." Miss Helen still sage.</p>
+<p>SCENE IV. <i>The Word</i>. - Miss Bouncer discovered with her
+camera, arranging her photographic chemicals. She soliloquizes:
+"There! now, all is ready for my sitter." She calls the footman
+(Mr. Verdant Green), and says, "John, you may show the Lady
+Fitz-Canute upstairs." The footman shows in Miss Honeywood, dressed
+in an antiquated bonnet and mantle, waving a huge fan. John gives
+her a chair, into which she drops, exclaiming, "What an
+insufferable toil it is to ascend to these elevated Photographic
+rooms;" and makes good use of her fan. Miss Bouncer then fixes the
+focus of her camera, and begs the Lady Fitz-Canute to sit perfectly
+still, and to call up an agreeable smile to her face. Miss
+Honeywood thereupon disposes her face in ludicrous "wreathed
+smiles;" and Miss Bouncer's head disappears under the velvet hood
+of the camera. "I am afraid," at length says Miss Bouncer, "I am
+afraid that I shall not be able to succeed in taking a likeness of
+your ladyship this morning." "And why, pray?" asks her ladyship
+with haughty surprise. "Because it is a gloomy day," replies the
+Photographer, "and much depends upon the rays of light." "Then
+procure the rays of light!" "That is more than I can do." "Indeed!
+I suppose if the Lady Fitz-Canute wishes for the rays of light, and
+condescends to pay for the rays of light, she can obtain the rays
+of light." Miss Bouncer considers this too <i>exigeant</i>, and
+puts her sitter off by promising to complete a most fascinating
+portrait of her on some more favourable day. Lady Fitz-Canute
+appears to be somewhat mollified at this, and is graciously pleased
+to observe, "Then I will undergo the fatigue of ascending to these
+elevated Photographic-rooms at some future period. But, mind, when
+I next come, that you procure the rays of light!" So she is shown
+out by Mr. Verdant Green, and the folding-doors are closed amid
+applause, and the audience distract themselves with guesses as to
+the word.</p>
+<p>"Photograph" is a general favourite, but is found not to agree
+with the three first scenes, although much ingenuity is expended in
+endeavouring to make them fit the word. The Curate makes a headlong
+rush at the word "Daguerreotype," and is confident that he has
+solved the problem, until he is informed that it is a word of more
+than three syllables. Charles Larkyns has already whispered the
+word to Mary Green; but they keep their discovery to themselves. At
+length, the Revd. Josiah Meek, in a moment of inspiration, hits
+upon the word, and proclaims it to be CALOTYPE ("Call - oh! -
+type;") upon which Mr. Alfred Brindle declares to Miss Fanny Green
+that he had fancied it must be that, all along, and, in fact, was
+just on the point of saying it: and the actors, coming in in a
+body, receive the violet-crowns and laurel-wreaths of praise as the
+meed of their exertions. Perhaps, the Miss Honeywoods and Mr.
+Bouncer receive larger crowns than the others, but Mr. Verdant
+Green gets his due share, and is fully satisfied with his first
+appearance on "the boards."</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Miss Waters at the piano with others***" src=
+"images/VG200.JPG" /></p>
+<p>Dancing then succeeds, varied by songs from the young ladies,
+and discharges of chromatic fireworks from the fingers
+of Miss Waters, for whom Charles Larkyns
+does the polite, in turning over the leaves of her music. Then some
+carol-singers come to the Hall-door, and the bells of the church
+proclaim, in joyful peals, the birth of the New Year; - a new year
+of hopes, and joys, and cares, and griefs, and unions, and
+partings; - a new year of which, who then present shall see the
+end? who shall be there to welcome in its successor? who shall be
+absent, laid in the secret places of the earth? Ah, <i>who</i>?
+For, even in the midst of revelry and youth, the joy-peals of those
+old church bells can strike the key-note of a wail of grief.</p>
+<p>Another charade follows, in which new actors join. Then comes a
+merry supper, in which Mr. Alfred Brindle, in order to give himself
+courage to appear in the next charade, takes more champagne than is
+good for him; in which, too (probably, from similar champagney
+reasons), Miss Parkington's unfortunately self-willed nose again
+assumes a more roseate hue than is becoming to a maiden; in which,
+too, Mr. Verdant Green being called upon to return thanks for "the
+ladies" - (toast, proposed in eloquent terms by H. Bouncer, Esq.,
+and drunk "with the usual honours,") - is so alarmed at finding
+himself upon his legs, that his ideas altogether vanish, and in
+great confusion of utterance, he observes, - "I-I-ladies and
+gentleman-feel-I-I-a-feel-assure you-grattered and flattified-I
+mean, flattered and gratified-being called on-return
+thanks-I-I-a-the ladies-give a larm to chife - I mean, charm to
+life - (<i>applause</i>)-and-a-a-grace by their table this
+presence, -I mean-a-a- (<i>applause</i>),-and joytened our eye-I
+mean, heighted our joy, to-night- (<i>applause</i>),-in their
+name-thanks-honour." Mr. Verdant Green takes advantage of the
+applause which follows these incoherent remarks, and sits down,
+covered with confusion, but thankful that the struggle is over.</p>
+<p>More dancing follows. Our hero performs prodigies in the
+<i>valse a deux temps</i>, and twirls about until he has not a leg
+left to stand upon. The harp, the violin, and the cornet-a-piston,
+from the county town, play mechanically in their sleep, and can
+only be roused by repeated applications of gin-and-water. Carriages
+are ordered round: wraps are in requisition: the mysterious rites
+under the white-berried bush are stealthily repeated for the last
+time: the guests depart, as it were, in a heap; the Rectory party
+being the last to leave. The intelligent Mr. Mole, who has fuddled
+himself by an injudicious mixture of the half-glasses of wine left
+on the supper-table, is exasperated with the butler for not
+allowing him to assist in putting away the silver; and declares
+that he (the butler) is "a hold himage," for which, he (the
+intelligent Mr. M.), "don't care a button!" and, as the epithet
+"image" appears to wondrously offend the butler, Mr. Mole is
+removed from further consequences by his intelligent wife, who is
+waiting to conduct her lord and master home.</p>
+<p>At length, the last light is out in the Manor Green. Mr. Verdant
+Green is lying uncomfortably upon his back, and is waltzing through
+Dreamland with the blooming Patty Honeywood.</p>
+<a name="ch2.10" id="ch2.10"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents2">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER X.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN ENJOYS A REAL CIGAR.</h4>
+<p>THE Christmas vacation passed rapidly away; the Honeywood family
+returned to the far north; and, once more, Mr. Verdant Green found
+himself within the walls of Brazenface. He and Mr. Bouncer had
+together gone up to Oxford, leaving Charles Larkyns behind to keep
+a grace-term.</p>
+<p>Charles Larkyns had determined to take a good degree. For some
+time past, he had been reading steadily; and, though only a few
+hours in each day may be given to books - yet, when that is done,
+with regularity and painstaking, a real and sensible progress is
+made. He knew that he had good abilities, and he had determined not
+to let them remain idle any longer, but to make that use of them
+for which they were given to him. His examination would come on
+during the next term; and he hoped to turn the interval to good
+account, and be able in the end to take a respectable degree. He
+was destined for the Bar; and, as he had no wish to be a briefless
+Barrister, he knew that college honours would be of great advantage
+to him in his after career. He, at once, therefore, set bodily to
+work to read up his subjects; while his father assisted him in his
+labours, and Mary Green smiled a kind approval.</p>
+<p>Meanwhile, his friends, Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Henry Bouncer,
+were enjoying Oxford life, and disporting themselves among the
+crowd of skaters in the Christ Church meadows. And a very different
+scene did the meadows present to the time when they had last
+skimmed over its surface. Then, the green fields were covered with
+Sailing-boats, out-riggers, and punts, and Mr. Verdant Green had
+nearly come to an untimely end in the waters. But now the scene was
+changed! Jack Frost had stepped in, and had seized the flood in his
+frozen fingers, and had bound it up in an icy breast-plate.</p>
+<p>And a capital place did the meadows make for any Undergraduate
+who was either a professed skater, or whose skating education (as
+in the case of our hero) had been altogether neglected. For the
+water was only of a moderate depth; so that, in the event of the
+ice giving way, there was nothing to fear beyond a slight and
+partial ducking. This was especially fortunate for Mr. Verdant
+Green, who, after having experienced total submersion and a narrow
+escape from drowning on that very spot, would never have been
+induced to again commit himself to the surface of the deep, had he
+not been fully convinced that the deep had now subsided into a
+shallow. With his breast fortified by this resolution, he therefore
+fell a victim to the syren tongue of Mr. Bouncer, when that
+gentleman observed to him with sincere feeling, "Giglamps, old
+fellow! it would be a beastly shame, when there's such jolly ice,
+if you did not learn to skate; especially, as I can show you the
+trick."</p>
+<p>For, Mr. Bouncer was not only skilful with his hands and arms,
+but could also perform feats with his feet. He could not only dance
+quadrilles in dress boots in a ball-room, but he could also go
+through the figures on the ice in a pair of skates. He could do the
+outside edge at a more acute angle than the generality of people;
+he could cut figures of eight that were worthy of Cocker himself,
+he could display spread-eagles that would have astonished the
+Fellows of the Zoological Society. He could skim over the thinnest
+ice in the most don't-care way; and, when at full speed, would
+stoop to pick up a stone. He would take a hop-skip-and-a-jump; and
+would vault over walking-sticks, as easily as if he were on dry
+land, - an accomplishment which he had learnt of the Count
+Doembrownski, a Russian gentleman, who, in his own country, lived
+chiefly on skates, and, in this country, on pigeons, and whose
+short residence in Oxford was suddenly brought to a full stop by
+the arbitrary power of the Vice-Chancellor. So, Mr. Verdant Green
+was persuaded to purchase, and put on a pair of skates, and to make
+his first appearance as a skater in the Christ Church meadows,
+under the auspices of Mr. Bouncer.</p>
+<p>The sensation of first finding yourself in a pair of skates is
+peculiar. It is not unlike the sensation which must have been felt
+by the young bear, when he was dropped from his mamma's mouth, and,
+for the first time, told to walk. The poor little bear felt, that
+it was all very well to say "walk,"- but how was he to do it? Was
+he to walk with his right fore-leg only? or, with his left
+fore-leg? or, with both his fore-legs? or, was he to walk with his
+right hind-leg? or, with his left hind-leg? or, with both his
+hind-legs? or, was he to make a combination of hind and fore-legs,
+and walk with all four at once? or, what was he to do? So he tried
+each of these ways; and they all failed. Poor little bear!</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green felt very much in the little bear's condition.
+He was undecided whether to skate with his right leg, or with his
+left leg, or with both his legs. He tried his right leg, and
+immediately it glided off at right angles with his body, while his
+left leg performed a similar and spontaneous movement in the
+contrary direction. Having captured his left leg, he put it
+cautiously forwards, and immediately it twisted under him, while
+his right leg amused itself by describing an altogether unnecessary
+circle. Obtaining a brief mastery over both legs, he put them
+forwards at the same moment, and they fled from beneath him, and he
+was flung - bump!- on his back. Poor little bear!</p>
+<p>But, if it is hard to make a start in a pair of skates</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG skating, set for a fall***" src=
+"images/VG204.JPG" /></p>
+<p>when you are in a perpendicular
+position, how much is the difficulty increased when your position
+has become a horizontal one! You raise yourself on your knees, -
+you assist yourself with your hands, - and, no sooner have you got
+one leg right, than away slides the other, and down you go. It is
+like the movement in that scene with the pair of short stilts, in
+which the French clowns are so amusing, and it is almost as
+difficult to perform. Mr. Verdant Green soon found that though he
+might be ambitious to excel in the polite accomplishment of
+skating, yet that his ambition was destined to meet with many a
+fall. But he persevered, and perseverance will achieve wonders,
+especially when aided by the tuition of such an indefatigable
+gentleman as Mr. Bouncer.</p>
+<p>"You get on stunningly, Giglamps," said the little gentleman,
+"and hav'nt been on your beam ends more than once a minute. But I
+should advise you, old fellow, to get your sit-upons seated with
+wash-leather, - just like the eleventh hussars do with their
+cherry-coloured pants. It'll come cheaper in the end, and may be
+productive of comfort. And now, after all these exciting ups and
+downs, let us go and have a quiet hand at billiards." So the two
+friends strolled up the High, where they saw two Queensmen
+"confessing their shame," as Mr. Bouncer phrased it, by standing
+under the gateway of their college; and went on to Bickerton's,
+where they found all the tables occupied, and Jonathan playing a
+match with Mr. Fluke of Christ Church. So, after watching the
+celebrated marker long enough to inspire them with a desire to
+accomplish similar feats of dexterity, they continued their walk to
+Broad Street, and, turning up a yard opposite to the Clarendon,
+found that Betteris had an upstair room at liberty. Here they
+accomplished several pleasing mathematical problems with the balls,
+and contributed their modicum towards the smoking of the ceiling of
+the room.</p>
+<p>Since Mr. Verdant Green had acquired the art of getting through
+a cigar without making himself ill, he had looked upon himself as a
+genuine smoker; and had, from time to time, bragged of his powers
+as regarded the fumigation of "the herb Nicotiana, commonly called
+tobacco," (as the Oxford statute tersely
+says).</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt="***Image: Billiards at Betteris's***"
+src="images/VG205-1.JPG" /></p>
+<p>This was an amiable weakness on his part that had not escaped
+the observant eye of Mr. Bouncer, who had frequently taken
+occasion, in the presence of his friends, to defer to Mr. Verdant
+Green's judgment in the matter of
+cigars. The train of adulation being thus laid, an opportunity was
+only needed to fire it. It soon came.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr Bouncer at his tobacconist's***" src=
+"images/VG205-2.JPG" /></p>
+<p>"Once upon a time," as the story-books say, it chanced that Mr.
+Bouncer was consuming his minutes and cigars at his tobacconist's,
+when his eye lighted for the thousandth time on the roll of
+cabbage-leaves, brown paper, and refuse tobacco, which being done
+up into the form of a monster cigar (a foot long, and of
+proportionate thickness), was hung in the shop window, and did duty
+as a truthful token of the commodity vended within. Mr. Bouncer had
+looked at this implement nine hundred and ninety-nine times,
+without its suggesting anything else to his mind, than its being of
+the same class of art as the monster mis-representations outside
+wild-beast shows; but he now gazed upon it with new sensations. In
+short, Mr. Bouncer took such a fancy to the thing, that he
+purchased it, and took it off to his rooms, - though he did not
+mention this fact to his friend, Mr. Verdant Green, when he saw him
+soon afterwards, and spoke to him of his excellent judgment in
+tobacco.</p>
+<p>"A taste for smoke comes natural, Giglamps!" said Mr. Bouncer.
+"It's what you call a <i>nascitur non fit</i>; and, if you haven't
+the gift, why you can't purchase it. Now, you're a judge of smoke;
+it's a gift with you, don't you see; and you could no more help
+knowing a good weed from a bad one, than you could help waggling
+your tail if you were a baa-lamb."</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green bowed, and blushed, in acknowledgment of this
+delightful flattery.</p>
+<p>"Now, there's old Footelights, you know; he's got an uncle,
+who's a governor, or some great swell, out in Barbadoes. Well,
+every now and then the old trump sends Footelights no end of a box
+of weeds; not common ones, you understand, but regular tip-toppers;
+but they're quite thrown away on poor Footelights, who'd think as
+much of cabbage-leaves as he would of real Havannahs, so he's
+always obliged to ask somebody else's opinion about them. Well,
+he's got a sample of a weed of a most terrific kind: - <i>Magnifico
+Pomposo</i> is the name; - no end uncommon, and at least a foot
+long. We don't meet with 'em in England because they're too
+expensive to import. Well, it would'nt do to throw away such a weed
+as this on any one; so, Footelights wants to have the opinion of a
+man who's really a judge of what a good weed is. I refused, because
+my taste has been rather out of order lately; and Billy Blades is
+in training for Henley, so he's obliged to decline; so I told him
+of you, Giglamps, and said, that if there was a man in Brazenface
+that could tell him what his Magnifico Pomposo was worth, that man
+was Verdant Green. Don't blush, old feller! you can't help having a
+fine judgment, you know; so don't be ashamed of it. Now, you must
+wine with me this evening; Footelights and some more men are
+coming; and we're all anxious to hear your opinion about these new
+weeds, because, if it's favourable we can club together, and import
+a box." Mr. Bouncer's victim, being perfectly unconscious of the
+trap laid for him, promised to come to the wine, and give his
+opinion on this weed of fabled size and merit.</p>
+<p>When the evening and company had come, he was rather staggered
+at beholding the dimensions of the pseudo-cigar; but, rashly
+judging that to express surprise would be to betray ignorance, Mr.
+Verdant Green inspected the formidable monster with the air of a
+connoisseur, and smelt, pinched, and rolled his tongue round it,
+after the manner of the best critics. If this was a diverting
+spectacle to the assembled guests of Mr.
+Bouncer, how must the humour of the scene have been increased, when
+our hero, with great difficulty, lighted the cigar, and, with still
+greater difficulty, held it in his mouth, and endeavoured to smoke
+it! As Mr. Foote afterwards observed, "it was a situation for a
+screaming farce."</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG sucking on the 'Magnifico Pomposo'***" src=
+"images/VG207.JPG" /></p>
+<p>"It doesn't draw well!" faltered the victim, as the bundle of
+rubbish went out for the fourth time.</p>
+<p>"Why, that's always the case with the Barbadoes baccy!" said Mr.
+Bouncer; "it takes a long pull, and a strong pull, and a pull all
+together to get it to make a start; but when once it does go, it
+goes beautiful - like a house a-fire. But you can't expect it to be
+like a common threepenny weed. Here! let me light him for you,
+Giglamps; I'll give the beggar a dig in his ribs, as a gentle
+persuader." Mr. Bouncer thereupon poked his pen-knife through the
+rubbish, and after a time induced it to "draw"; and Mr. Verdant
+Green pulled at it furiously, and made his eyes water with the
+unusual cloud of smoke that he raised.</p>
+<p>"And now, what d'ye think of it, my beauty?" inquired Mr.
+Bouncer. "It's something out of the common, ain't it?"</p>
+<p>"It has a beautiful ash!" observed Mr. Smalls.</p>
+<p>"And diffuses an aroma that makes me long to defy the trainer,
+and smoke one like it!" said Mr. Blades.</p>
+<p>"So pray give me your reading - at least, your opinion, - on my
+Magnifico Pomposo!" asked Mr. Foote.</p>
+<p>"Well, answered Mr. Verdant Green, slowly - turning very pale as
+he spoke, - "at first, I thought it was be-yew-tiful; but,
+altogether, I think-that-the Barbadoes tobacco-doesn't quite-agree
+with-my stom-" the speaker abruptly concluded, by dropping the
+cigar, putting his handkerchief to his mouth, and rushing into Mr.
+Bouncer's bed-room. The Magnifico Pomposo had been too much for
+him, and had produced sensations accurately interpreted by Mr.
+Bouncer, who forthwith represented in expressive pantomime, the
+actions of a distressed voyager, when he feebly murmurs
+"Steward!"</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG's travelling party outside the 'Bear' at Woodstock***"
+src="images/VG208.JPG" /></p>
+<p>To atone for the "chaffing" which he had been the means of
+inflicting on his friend, the little gentleman, a few days
+afterwards, proposed to take our hero to the Chipping Norton
+Steeple-chase, - Mr. Smalls and Mr. Fosbrooke making up the quartet
+for a tandem. It was on their return from the races, that, after
+having stopped at <i>The Bear</i> at Woodstock, "to wash out the
+horses' mouths," and having done this so effectually that the
+horses had appeared to have no mouths left, and had refused to
+answer the reins, and had smashed the cart against
+a house, which had seemed to have danced
+into the middle of the road for their diversion, - and, after
+having put back to <i>The Bear</i>, and prevailed upon that animal
+to lend them a nondescript vehicle of the "pre-adamite buggy"
+species, described by Sidney Smith, - that, much time having been
+consumed by the progress of this chapter of accidents, they did not
+reach Peyman's Gate until a late hour; and Mr. Verdant Green found
+that he was once more in difficulties. For they had no sooner got
+through the gate, than the wild octaves from Mr. Bouncer's
+post-horn were suddenly brought to a full stop, and Mr. Fosbrooke,
+who was the "waggoner," was brought to Woh! and was compelled to
+pull up in obedience to the command of the proctor, who, as on a
+previous occasion, suddenly appeared from behind the toll-house, in
+company with his marshal and bull-dogs.</p>
+<p>The Sentence pronounced on our hero the next day, was, "Sir! -
+You will translate all your lectures; have your name crossed on the
+buttery and kitchen books; and be confined to chapel, hall, and
+college."</p>
+<p>This sentence was chiefly annoying, inasmuch as it somewhat
+interfered with the duties and pleasures attendant upon his boating
+practice. For, wonderful to relate, Mr. Verdant Green had so much
+improved in the science, that he was now "Number 3" of his college
+"Torpid," and was in hard training. The Torpid races commenced on
+March 10th, and were continued on the following days. Our hero sent
+his father a copy of <i>Tintinnabulum's Life</i>, which - after
+informing the Manor Green family that "the boats took up positions
+in the following order: "Brazenose, Exeter I, Wadham, Balliol, St.
+John's, Pembroke, University, Oriel, Brazenface, Christ Church I,
+Worcester, Jesus, Queen's, Christ Church 2, Exeter 2" - proceeded
+to enter into particulars of each day's sport, of which it is only
+necessary to record such as gave interest to our hero's family.</p>
+<p>"First day*** Brazenface refused to acknowledge the bump by
+Christ Church (I) before they came to the Cherwell. There is very
+little doubt but that they were bumped at the Gut and the
+Willows...</p>
+<p>"Second day*** Brazenface rowed pluckily away from
+Worcester...</p>
+<p>"Third day*** A splendid race between Brazenface and Worcester;
+and, at the flag, the latter were within a foot; they did not,
+however, succeed in bumping. The cheering from the Brazenface barge
+was vociferous...</p>
+<p>"Fourth day*** Worcester was more fortunate, and succeeded in
+making the bump at the Cherwell, in consequence of No. 3 of the
+Brazenface boat fainting from fatigue."</p>
+<p>Under "No. 3" Mr. Verdant Green had drawn a pencil line, and had
+written " V.G." He shortly after related to his family the gloomy
+particulars of the bump, when he returned home for the Easter
+vacation.</p>
+<a name="ch2.11" id="ch2.11"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents2">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER XI.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN GETS THROUGH HIS SMALLS.</h4>
+<p>DESPITE the hindrance which the <i>grande passion</i> is
+supposed to bring to the student, Charles Larkyns had made very
+good use of the opportunities afforded him by the leisure of his
+grace-term. Indeed, as he himself observed,</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"Who hath not owned, with rapture-smitten frame,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>The power of <i>grace</i>!"</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>And as he felt that the hours of his grace-term had not been
+wasted in idleness, but had been turned to profitable account, it
+is not at all unlikely that his pleasures of hope regarding his
+Degree-examination, and the position his name would occupy in the
+Class-list, were of a roseate hue. He, therefore, when the Easter
+vacation had come to an end, returned to Oxford in high spirits,
+with our hero and his friend Mr. Bouncer, who, after a brief visit
+to "the Mum," had passed the remainder of the vacation at the Manor
+Green. During these few holiday weeks, Charles Larkyns had acted as
+private tutor to his two friends, and had, in the language of Mr.
+Bouncer, "put them through their paces uncommon;" for the little
+gentleman was going in for his Degree, <i>alias</i> Great-go,
+<i>alias</i> Greats; and our hero for his first examination <i>in
+literis humanioribus</i>, <i>alias</i> Responsions, <i>alias</i>
+Little-go, <i>alias</i> Smalls. Thus the friends returned to Oxford
+mutually benefited; but, as the time for examination drew nearer
+and still nearer, the fears of Mr. Bouncer rose in a gradation of
+terrors, that threatened to culminate in an actual panic.</p>
+<p>"You see," said the little gentleman, "the Mum's set her heart
+on my getting through, and I must read like the doose. And I
+haven't got the head, you see, for Latin and Greek; and that
+beastly Euclid altogether stumps me; and I feel as though I should
+come to grief. I'm blowed," the little gentleman would cry,
+earnestly and sadly, "I'm blow'd if I don't think they must have
+given me too much pap when I was a babby, and softened my brains!
+or else, why can't I walk into these classical parties just as easy
+as you, Charley, or old Giglamps there? But I can't, you see: my
+brains are addled. They say it ain't a bad thing for reading to get
+your head shaved. It cools your brains, and gives full play to what
+you call your intellectual faculties. I think I shall try the
+dodge, and get a gent's real head of hair, till after the exam.;
+and then, when I've stumped the examiners, I can wear my own
+luxuriant locks again."</p>
+<p>And, as Mr. Bouncer professed, so did he; and, not many days
+after, astonished his friends and the University generally by
+appearing in a wig of curly black hair. It was a pleasing sight to
+see the little gentleman with a scalp like a billiard ball, a pipe
+in his mouth, and the wig mounted on a block, with books spread
+before him, endeavouring to persuade himself that he was working up
+his subjects. It was still more pleasing to view him, in moments of
+hilarity, divest himself of his wig, and hurl it at the scout, or
+any other offensive object that appeared before him. And it was a
+sight not to be forgotten by the beholders, when, after too
+recklessly partaking of an indiscriminate mixture of egg-flip,
+sangaree, and cider-cup, he feebly threw his wig at the spectacles
+of Mr. Verdant Green, and, overbalanced by the exertion, fell back
+into the coal-scuttle, where he lay, bald-headed and helpless,
+laughing and weeping by turns, and caressed by Huz and Buz.</p>
+<p>But the shaving of his head was not the only feature (or,
+rather, loss of feature) that distinguished Mr. Bouncer's reading
+for his degree. The gentleman with the limited knowledge of the
+cornet-a-piston, who had the rooms immediately beneath those of our
+hero and his friend, had made such slow progress in his musical
+education, that he had even now scarcely got into his "Cottage near
+a Wood." This gentleman was Mr. Bouncer's Frankenstein. He was
+always rising up when he was not wanted. When Mr. Bouncer felt as
+if he could read, and sat down to his books, wigless and
+determined, the doleful legend of the cottage near a wood was
+forced upon him in an unpleasingly
+obtrusive and distracting manner. It was in vain that Mr. Bouncer
+sounded his octaves in all their discordant variations; the
+gentleman had no ear, and was not to be put out of his cottage on
+any terms: Mr. Bouncer's notices of ejectment were always
+disregarded. He had hoped that the ears of Mr. Slowcoach (whose
+rooms were in the angle of the Quad) would have been pierced by the
+noise, and that he would have put a stop to the nuisance; but,
+either from its being too customary a custom, or that the ears of
+Mr. Slowcoach had grown callous, the nuisance was suffered to
+continue unreproved.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Bouncer, shaven headed, at his desk intent on his books***"
+src="images/VG211.JPG" /></p>
+<p>Mr. Bouncer resolved, therefore, on some desperate method of
+calling attention to one nuisance, by creating another of a louder
+description; and, as his octaves appeared to fail in this, -
+notwithstanding the energy and annoying ability that he threw into
+them, - he conceived the idea of setting up a drum! The plan was no
+sooner thought of than carried out. He met with an instrument
+sufficiently large and formidable for his purpose, - hired it, and
+had it stealthily conveyed into college (like another Falstaff) in
+a linen "buck-basket." He waited his opportunity; and, the next
+time that the gentleman in the rooms beneath took his cornet to his
+cottage near a wood, Mr. Bouncer, stationed on the landing above,
+played a thundering accompaniment on his big drum.
+</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Bouncer bangs his drum in College***" src=
+"images/VG212.JPG" /></p>
+<p>The echoes from the tightened parchment rolled round the Quad,
+and brought to the spot a rush of curious and excited
+undergraduates. Mr. Bouncer, - after taking off his wig in honour
+of the air, - then treated them to the National Anthem, arranged as
+a drum solo for two sticks, the chorus being sustained by the
+voices of those present; when in the midst of the entertainment,
+the reproachful features of Mr. Slowcoach appeared upon the scene.
+Sternly the tutor demanded the reason of the strange hubbub; and
+was answered by Mr. Bouncer, that, as one gentleman was allowed to
+play <i>his</i> favourite instrument whenever he chose, for his own
+but no one else's gratification, he could not see why he (Mr.
+Bouncer) might not also, whenever he pleased, play for <i>his</i>
+own gratification his favourite instrument - the big drum. This
+specious excuse, although logical, was not altogether satisfactory
+to Mr. Slowcoach; and, with some asperity, he ordered Mr. Bouncer
+never again to indulge in, what he termed (in reference probably to
+the little gentleman's bald head), "such an indecent exhibition."
+But, as he further ordered that the cornet-a-piston gentleman was
+to instrumentally enter into his cottage near a wood, only at
+stated hours in the afternoon, Mr. Bouncer had gained his point in
+putting a stop to the nuisance so far as it interfered with his
+reading; and, thenceforth, he might be seen on brief occasions
+persuading himself that he was furiously reading and getting up his
+subjects by the aid of those royal roads to knowledge, variously
+known as cribs, crams, plugs, abstracts, analyses, or epitomes.</p>
+<p>But, besides the assistance thus afforded to him <i>out</i> of
+the schools, Mr. Bouncer, like many others, idle as well as
+ignorant, intended to assist himself when <i>in</i> the schools by
+any contrivance that his ingenuity could suggest, or his audacity
+carry out.</p>
+<p>"It's quite fair," was the little gentleman's argument, "to do
+the examiners in any way that you can, as long as you only go in
+for a pass. Of course, if you were going in for a class, or a
+scholarship, or anything of that sort, it would be no end mean and
+dirty to crib; and the gent that did it ought to be kicked out of
+the society of gentlemen. But when you only go in for a pass, and
+ain't doing any one any harm by a little bit of cribbing, but
+choose to run the risk to save yourself the bother of being
+ploughed, why then, I think, a feller's bound to do what he can for
+himself. And, you see, in my case, Giglamps, there's the Mum to be
+considered; she'd cut up doosid, if I didn't get through; so I must
+crib a bit, if it's only for <i>her</i> sake."</p>
+<p>But although the little gentleman thus made filial tenderness
+the excuse for his deceit, and the salve for his conscience, yet he
+could neither persuade Mr. Verdant Green to follow his example, nor
+to be a convert to his opinions; nor would he be persuaded by our
+hero to relinquish his designs.</p>
+<p>"Why, look here, Giglamps!" Mr. Bouncer would say; "how
+<i>can</i> I relinquish them, after having had all this trouble?
+I'll put you up to a few of my dodges - free, gratis, for nothing.
+In the first place, Giglamps, you see here's a small circular bit
+of paper, covered with Peloponnesian and Punic wars, and no end of
+dates, - written small and short, you see, but quite legible, -
+with the chief things done in red ink. Well, this gentleman goes in
+the front of my watch, under the glass; and, when I get stumped for
+a date, out comes the watch; - I look at the time of day - you
+understand, and down goes the date. Here's another dodge!" added
+the little gentleman - who might well have been called "the Artful
+Dodger" - as he produced a shirt from a drawer. "Look here, at the
+wristbands! Here are all the Kings of Israel and Judah, with their
+dates and prophets, written down in India-ink, so as to wash out
+again. You twitch up the cuff of your coat, quite accidentally, and
+then you book your king. You see, Giglamps, I don't like to trust,
+as some fellows do, to having what you want, written down small and
+shoved into a quill, and passed to you by some man sitting in the
+schools; that's dangerous, don't you see. And I don't like to hold
+cards in my hand; I've improved on that, and invented a first-rate
+dodge of my own, that I intend to take out a patent for. Like all
+truly great inventions, it's no end simple. In the first place,
+look straight afore you, my little dear, and you will see this pack
+of cards, - all made of a size, nice to hold in the palm of your
+hand; they're about all sorts of rum things, - everything that I
+want. And you see that each beggar's got a hole drilled in him. And
+you see, here's a longish string with a little bit of hooked wire
+at the end, made so that I can easily hang the card on it. Well, I
+pass the string up my coat sleeve, and down under my waistcoat; and
+here, you see, I've got the wire end in the palm of my hand. Then,
+I slip out the card I want, and hook it on to the wire, so that I
+can have it just before me as I write.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Bouncer demonstrates to VG his cards and examination suit***"
+src="images/VG214.JPG" /></p>
+<p>Then, if any of the examiners look suspicious, or if one of them
+comes round to spy, I just pull the bit of string that hangs under
+the bottom of my waistcoat, and away flies the card up my coat
+sleeve; and when the examiner comes round, he sees that my hand's
+never moved, and that there's nothing in it! So he walks off
+satisfied; and then I shake the little beggar out of my sleeve
+again, and the same game goes on as before. And when the string's
+tight, even straightening your body is quite sufficient to hoist
+the card into your sleeve, without moving either of your hands.
+I've got an Examination-coat made on purpose, with a heap of
+pockets, in which I can stow my cards in regular order. These three
+pockets," said Mr. Bouncer, as he produced the coat, "are entirely
+for Euclid. Here's each problem written right out on a card;
+they're laid regularly in order, and I turn them over in my pocket,
+till I get hold of the one I want, and then I take it out, and work
+it. So you see, Giglamps, I'm safe to get through! - it's
+impossible for them to plough me, with all these contrivances.
+That's a consolation for a cove in distress, ain't it, old
+feller?"</p>
+<p>Both our hero and Charles Larkyns endeavoured to persuade Mr.
+Bouncer that his conduct would, at the very least, be foolhardy,
+and that he had much better throw his pack of cards into the fire,
+wash the Kings of Israel and Judah off his shirt, destroy his
+strings and hooked wires, and keep his Examination-coat for a
+shooting one. But all their arguments were in vain, and the
+infatuated little gentleman, like a deaf adder, shut his ears at
+the voice of the charmer.</p>
+<p>What between the Cowley cricketings, and the Isis boatings, Mr.
+Verdant Green only read by spasmodic fits; but, as he was very
+fairly up in his subjects - thanks to Charles Larkyns and the
+Rector - and as the Little-go was not such a very formidable
+affair, or demanded a scholar of first-rate calibre, the only
+terrors that the examination could bring him were those which were
+begotten of nervousness. At length the lists were out; and our hero
+read among the names of candidates, that of</p>
+<center>"GREEN, <i>Verdant, e Coll. AEn. Fac.</i>"</center>
+<p>There is a peculiar sensation on first seeing your name in
+print. Instances are on record where people have taken a world of
+trouble merely that they may have the pleasure of perusing their
+names "among the fashionables present" at the Countess of
+So-and-so's evening-reception; and cases are not wanting where
+young ladies and gentlemen have expended no small amount of
+pocket-money in purchasing copies of <i>The Times</i> (no
+reduction, too, being made on taking a quantity!) in order that
+their sympathizing friends might have the pride of seeing their
+names as coming out at drawing-rooms and <i>levees</i>. When a
+young M.P. has stammered out his <i>coup-d'essai</i> in the House,
+he views, with mingled emotions, his name given to the world, for
+the first time, in capital letters. When young authors and artists
+first see their names in print, is it not a pleasure to them? When
+Ensign Dash sees himself gazetted, does he not look on his name
+with a peculiar sensation, and forthwith send an impression of the
+paper to Master Jones, who was flogged with him last week for
+stealing apples? When Mr. Smith is called to the Bar, and Mr.
+Robinson can dub himself M.R.C.S., do they not behold their names
+in print with feelings of rapture? And when Miss Brown has been to
+her first ball, does she not anxiously await the coming of the next
+county newspaper, in order to have the happiness of reading her
+name there?</p>
+<p>But, different to these are the sensations that attend the
+seeing your name first in print in a College examination-list. They
+are, probably, somewhat similar to the sensations you would feel on
+seeing your name in a death-warrant. Your blood runs hot, then
+cold, then hot again; your pulse goes at fever pace; the throbbing
+arteries of your brow almost jerk your cap off. You know that the
+worst is come, - that the law of the Dons, which altereth not, has
+fixed your name there, and that there is no escape. The courage of
+despair then takes possession of your soul, and nerves you for the
+worst. You join the crowd of nervous fellow-sufferers who are
+thronging round the buttery-door to examine the list, and you begin
+with them calmly to parcel out the names by sixes and eights,
+and then to arrive at an opinion when your
+day of execution will be. If your name comes at the head of the
+list, you wish that you were "YOUNG, <i>Carolus, e Coll.
+Vigorn.</i>" that you might have a reprieve of your sentence. If
+your name is at the end of the list, you wish that you were "ADAMS,
+<i>Edvardus Jacobus, e Coll. Univ.</i>" that you might go in at
+once, and be put out of your misery. If your name is in the middle
+of the list, you wish that it were elsewhere: and then you wish
+that it were out of the list altogether.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Thronging undergraduates scrutinise with apprehension the examination list***"
+src="images/VG216.JPG" /></p>
+<p>Through these varying shades of emotion did Mr. Verdant Green
+pass, until at length they were all lost in the deeper gloom of
+actual entrance into the schools. When once there, his fright soon
+passed away. Reassured by the kindly voice of the examiner, telling
+him to read over his Greek before construing it, our hero recovered
+his equanimity, and got through his <i>viva voce</i> with flying
+colours; and, on glancing over his paper-work, soon saw that the
+questions were within his scope, and that he could answer most of
+them. Without hazarding his success by making "bad shots," he
+contented himself by answering those questions only on which he
+felt sure; and, when his examination was over, he left the schools
+with a pretty safe conviction that he was safe, "and was well
+through his smalls."</p>
+<p>He could not but help, however, feeling some anxiety on the
+subject, until he was relieved from all further fears, by the
+arrival of Messrs. Fosbrooke, Smalls, and Blades, with a slip of
+paper (not unlike those which Mr. Levi, the sheriff's officer,
+makes use of), on which was written and printed as follows:-</p>
+<br />
+<center>"GREEN, VERDANT, E COLL. AEN. FAC.<br />
+Quaestionibus Magistrorum Scholarum in Parviso pro forma
+respondit.</center>
+<center>
+<table border="0">
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td></td>
+<td></td>
+<td>{GULIELMUS SMITH</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Ita testamur</td>
+<td></td>
+<td></td>
+<td>{</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td></td>
+<td></td>
+<td>{ROBERTUS JONES</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<br />
+<center><i>Junii</i> 7, 18--."</center>
+<p>Alas for Mr. Bouncer! Though he had put in practice all the
+ingenious plans which were without a doubt to ensure his success;
+and though he had worked his cribs with consummate coolness, and
+had not been discovered; yet, nevertheless, his friends came to him
+empty-handed. The infatuated little gentleman had either trusted
+too much to his own astuteness, or else he had over-reached
+himself, and had used his card-knowledge in wrong places; or,
+perhaps, the examiners may have suspected his deeds from the nature
+of his papers, and may have refused to pass him. But whatever might
+be the cause, the little gentleman had to defer taking his degree
+for some months at least. In a word - and a dreadful word it is to
+all undergraduates - Mr. Bouncer was PLUCKED! He bore his
+unexpected reverse of fortune very philosophically, and professed
+to regret it only for "the Mum's" sake; but he seemed to feel that
+the Dons of his college would look shy upon him, and he expressed
+his opinion that it would be better for him to migrate to the
+Tavern. <font color="#FF0000">[36]</font></p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[36] A name given to New Inn Hall, not only from its title, "New
+Inn," but also because the buttery is open all day, and the members
+of the Hall can call for what they please at any hour, the same as
+in a tavern.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>But, while Mr. Bouncer was thus deservedly punished for his
+idleness and duplicity, Charles Larkyns was rewarded for all his
+toil. He did even better than he had expected: for, not only did
+his name appear in the second class, but the following extra news
+concerning him was published in the daily papers, under the very
+appropriate heading of "University <i>Intelligence</i>."</p>
+<blockquote>"OXFORD, June 9. -The Chancellor's prizes have been
+awarded as follows:-
+<p>"Latin Essay, Charles Larkyns, Commoner of Brazenface. The
+Newdigate Prize for English Verse was also awarded to the same
+gentleman."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>His writing for the prize poem had been a secret. He had
+conceived the idea of doing so when the subject had been given out
+in the previous "long:" he had worked at the subject privately,
+and, when the day (April 1) on which the poems had to be sent in,
+had come, he had watched his opportunity, and secretly dropped
+through the wired slit in the door of the registrar's office at the
+Clarendon, a manuscript poem, distinguished by the motto:-</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"Oh for the touch of a vanish'd hand,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>And the sound of a voice that is still.</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>We may be quite sure that there was great rejoicing at the Manor
+Green and the Rectory, when the news arrived of the success of
+Charles Larkyns and Mr. Verdant Green.</p>
+<a name="ch2.12" id="ch2.12"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents2">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER XII.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN AND HIS FRIENDS ENJOY THE COMMEMORATION.</h4>
+<p>THE Commemoration had come; and, among the people who were drawn
+to the sight from all parts of the country, the Warwickshire coach
+landed in Oxford our friends Mr. Green, his two eldest daughters,
+and the Rector - for all of whom Charles Larkyns had secured very
+comfortable lodgings in Oriel Street.</p>
+<p>The weather was of the finest; and the beautiful city of
+colleges looked at its best. While the Rector met with old friends,
+and heard his son's praises, and renewed his acquaintance with his
+old haunts of study, Mr. Green again lionized Oxford in a much more
+comfortable and satisfactory manner than he had previously done at
+the heels of a professional guide. As for the young ladies, they
+were charmed with everything; for they had never before been in a
+University town, and all things had the fascination of novelty.
+Great were the luncheons held in Mr. Verdant Green's and Charles
+Larkyns' rooms; musical was the laughter that floated merrily
+through the grave old quads of Brazenface; happy were the two
+hearts that held converse with each other in those cool cloisters
+and shady gardens. How a few flounces and bright girlish smiles can
+change the aspect of the sternest homes of knowledge! How sunlight
+can be brought into the gloomiest nooks of learning by the beams
+that irradiate happy girlish faces, where the light of love and
+truth shines out clear and joyous! How the appearance of the
+Commemoration week is influenced in a way thus described by one of
+Oxonia's poets:-</p>
+<blockquote>"Peace! for in the gay procession brighter forms are
+borne along-<br />
+Fairer scholars, pleasure-beaming, float amid the classic
+throng.<br />
+Blither laughter's ringing music fills the haunts of men
+awhile,<br />
+And the sternest priests of knowledge blush beneath a maiden's
+smile.<br />
+Maidens teach a softer science - laughing Love his pinions
+dips,<br />
+Hush'd to hear fantastic whispers murmur'd from a pedant's
+lips.<br />
+Oh, believe it, throbbing pulses flutter under folds of
+starch,<br />
+And the Dons are human-hearted if the ladies' smiles be
+arch."</blockquote>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: A crowd in a tree-lined avenue at the Commemoration***"
+src="images/VG219.JPG" /></p>
+<p>Thanks to the influence of Charles Larkyns and his father, the
+party were enabled to see all that was to be seen during the
+Commemoration week. On the Saturday night they went to the amateur
+concert at the Town Hall, in aid of which, strange to say, Mr.
+Bouncer's proffer of his big drum had been
+declined. On the Sunday they went, in the morning, to St. Mary's to
+hear the Bampton lecture; and, in the afternoon, to the magnificent
+choral service at New College. In the evening they attended the
+customary "Show Sunday" promenade in Christ Church Broad Walk,
+where, under the delicious cool of the luxuriant foliage, they met
+all the rank, beauty, and fashion that were assembled in Oxford;
+and where, until Tom "tolled the hour for retiring," they threaded
+their way amid a miscellaneous crowd of Dons and Doctors, and Tufts
+and Heads of Houses, -</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>With prudes for Proctors, dowagers for Deans,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>And bright girl-graduates with their golden hair.</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>On the Monday they had a party to Woodstock and Blenheim; and in
+the evening went, on the Brazenface barge, to see the procession of
+boats, where the Misses Green had the satisfaction to see their
+brother pulling in one of the fifteen torpids that followed
+immediately in the wake of the other boats. They concluded the
+evening's entertainments in a most satisfactory manner, by going to
+the ball at the Town Hall.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: An outside gathering at the Commemoration***" src=
+"images/VG220.JPG" /></p>
+<p>Indeed, the way the two young ladies worked was worthy of all
+credit, and proved them to be possessed of the most vigorous
+constitutions; for, although they danced till an
+early hour in the morning, they not only,
+on the next day, went to the anniversary sermon for the Radcliffe,
+and after that to the horticultural show in the Botanical Gardens,
+and after that to the concert in the Sheldonian Theatre, but - as
+though they had not had enough to fatigue them already - they must,
+forsooth - Brazenface being one of the ball-giving colleges - wind
+up the night by accepting the polite invitation of Mr. Verdant
+Green and Mr. Charles Larkyns to a ball given in their college
+hall. And how many polkas these young ladies danced, and how many
+waltzes they waltzed, and how many ices they consumed, and how many
+too susceptible partners they drove to the verge of desperation, it
+would be improper, if not impossible, to say.</p>
+<p>But, however much they might have been fagged by their exertions
+of feet and features, it is certain that, by ten of the clock the
+next morning, they appeared, quite fresh and charming to the view,
+in the ladies' gallery in the theatre. There - after the
+proceedings had been opened by the undergraduates in <i>their</i>
+peculiar way, and by the vice-chancellor in <i>his</i> peculiar way
+- and, after the degrees had been conferred, and the public orator
+had delivered an oration in a tongue not understanded of the
+people, our friends from Warwickshire had the delight of beholding
+Mr. Charles Larkyns ascend the rostrums to deliver, in their proper
+order, the Latin Essay and the English Verse. He had chosen his
+friend Verdant to be his prompter; so that the well-known
+"Giglamps" of our hero formed, as it were, a very focus of
+attraction: but it was well for Mr. Charles Larkyns that he was
+possessed of self-control and a good memory, for Mr. Verdant Green
+was far too nervous to have prompted him in any efficient manner.
+We may be sure, that in all that bevy of fair women, at least one
+pair of bright eyes kindled with rapture, and one heart beat with
+exulting joy, when the deafening cheers that followed the poet's
+description of the moon, the sea, and woman's love (the three
+ingredients which are apparently necessary for the sweetening of
+all prize poems), rang through the theatre and made its walls
+re-echo to the shouting. And we may be sure that, when it was all
+over, and when the Commemoration had come to an end, Charles
+Larkyns felt rewarded for all his hours of
+labour by the deep love garnered up in his heart by the trustful
+affection of one who had become as dear to him as life itself!</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: The Sheldonian Theatre, Mr. Charles Larkyns delivers the Latin Essay and the English Verse***"
+src="images/VG221.JPG" /></p>
+<hr width="30%" />
+<p>It was one morning after they had all returned to the Manor
+Green that our hero said to his friend, "How I <i>do</i> wish that
+this day week were come!"</p>
+<p>"I dare say you do," replied the friend: "and I dare say that
+the pretty Patty is wishing the same wish." Upon which Mr. Verdant
+Green not only laughed but blushed!</p>
+<p>For it seemed that he, together with his sisters, Mr. Charles
+Larkyns, and Mr. Bouncer, were about to pay a long-vacation visit
+to Honeywood Hall, in the county of Northumberland; and the young
+man was naturally looking forward to it with all the ardour of a
+first and consuming passion.</p>
+
+<br />
+<center><b>(End of Part II)</b></center>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<p><a href="#contents2">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<p><a href="#Pt3">Forward to Part III</a><br />
+<br /></p>
+<hr />
+<br />
+<br />
+================ <a name="Pt3" id="Pt3"></a>
+<!--page i {Vol I and II. not numbered} /page-->
+<p><b>(PART III OF III)</b></p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Flyleaf drawing of cherub burning mortar-board/academical cap, Oxford spires in background, similar to that (all in green) in the 1857 edition***"
+src="images/FRONTIS3.JPG" width="267" height="267" /></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<p><a href="#Pt2">Back to Part II</a></p>
+<p><a href="#Pt1">Back to Part I</a><br />
+<br /></p>
+<h2><big>MR. VERDANT GREEN</big></h2>
+<h2>MARRIED AND DONE FOR:</h2>
+<h2><small>BEING</small><br />
+THE THIRD AND CONCLUDING PART<br />
+<small>OF THE</small><br />
+ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN,<br />
+<i>AN OXFORD FRESHMAN</i></h2>
+<h3><small>BY</small><br />
+CUTHBERT BEDE, B.A.</h3>
+<br />
+<br />
+<!--page ii {Vol I and II. blank} /page-->
+<p align="center"><br /></p>
+<hr width="15%" />
+<br />
+<br />
+<center>LONDON:<br />
+JAMES BLACKWOOD, PATERNOSTER ROW.</center>
+<br />
+<center><small>1857.</small></center>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<center><a name="contents3" id="contents3"></a><big>CONTENTS OF
+PART III</big></center>
+<p>CHAPTER</p>
+<div align="left">
+<table summary="" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width=
+"90%">
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">I</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch3.1">Mr. Verdant Green travels
+North</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">II</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch3.2">Mr. Verdant Green delivers Miss
+Patty Honeywood from the Horns of a Dilemma</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">III</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch3.3">Mr. Verdant Green studies ye
+Manners and Customs of ye Natyves</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">IV</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch3.4">Mr. Verdant Green endeavours to
+say Snip to someone's Snap</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">V</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch3.5">Mr. Verdant Green meets with the
+Green-eyed Monster</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">VI</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch3.6">Mr. Verdant Green joins a
+Northumberland Pic-Nic</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">VII</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch3.7">Mr. Verdant Green has an Inkling
+of the Future</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">VIII</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch3.8">Mr. Verdant Green crosses the
+Rubicon</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">IX</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch3.9">Mr. Verdant Green asks
+Papa</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">X</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch3.10">Mr. Verdant Green is made a
+Mason</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">XI</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch3.11">Mr. Verdant Green breakfasts with
+Mr. Bouncer, and enters for a Grind</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">XII</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch3.12">Mr. Verdant Green takes his
+Degree</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="5%">XIII</td>
+<td width="85%"><a href="#ch3.13">Mr. Verdant Green is Married and
+Done for</a></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>THE ADVENTURES<br />
+<small>OF</small><br />
+<big>MR. VERDANT GREEN.</big></h3>
+<hr width="15%" />
+<h3>PART III.</h3>
+<hr width="15%" />
+<a name="ch3.1" id="ch3.1"></a><br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER I.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN TRAVELS NORTH.</h4>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG stuck to an archery butt, transfixed by Cupid's arrow***"
+src="images/VG222.JPG" /></p>
+<p>JULY: fierce and burning!</p>
+<p>A day to tinge the green corn with a golden hue. A day to scorch
+grass into hay between sunrise and sunset. A day in which to
+rejoice in the cool thick masses of trees, and to lie on one's back
+under their canopy, and look dreamily up, through its rents, at the
+peep of hot, cloudless, blue sky. A day to sit on shady banks upon
+yielding cushions of moss and heather, from whence you gaze on
+bright flowers blazing in the blazing sun, and rest your eyes again
+upon your book to find the lines swimming in a radiance of mingled
+green and red. A day that fills you with amphibious feelings, and
+makes you desire to be even a dog, that you might bathe and paddle
+and swim in every roadside brook and pond, without the exertion of
+dressing and undressing, and yet with propriety. A day that sends
+you out by willow-hung streams, to fish, as an excuse for idleness.
+A day that drives you dinnerless from smoking joints, and plunges
+you thirstfully into barrels of beer. A day that induces apathetic
+listlessness and total prostration of energy, even under the
+aggravating warfare of gnats and wasps. A day that engenders pity
+for the ranks of ruddy haymakers, hotly marching on under the
+merciless glare of the noonday sun. A day when the very air,
+steaming up from the earth, seems to palpitate with the heat. A day
+when Society has left its cool and pleasant country-house, and
+finds itself baked and burnt up in town, condemned to ovens of
+operas, and fiery furnaces of <i>levees</i> and drawing-rooms. A
+day when even ice is warm, and perspiring visitors to the
+Zoological Gardens envy the hippopotamus living in his bath. A day
+when a hot, frizzling, sweltering smell ascends from the ground, as
+though it was the earth's great ironing day. And - above all - a
+day that converts a railway traveller into a martyr, and a
+first-class carriage into a moving representation of the Black Hole
+of Calcutta.</p>
+<p>So thought Mr. Verdant Green, as he was whirled onward to the
+far north, in company with his three sisters, Miss Bouncer, and Mr.
+Charles Larkyns. Being six in number, they formed a snug (and hot)
+family party, and filled the carriage, to the exclusion of little
+Mr. Bouncer, who, nevertheless, bore this temporary and unavoidable
+separation with a tranquil mind, inasmuch as it enabled him to ride
+in a second-class carriage, where he could the more conveniently
+indulge in the furtive pleasures of the Virginian weed. But, to
+keep up his connection with the party, and to prove that his
+interest in them could not be diminished by a brief and enforced
+absence, Mr. Bouncer paid them flying visits at every station,
+keeping his pipe alight by a puff into the carriage, accompanied
+with an expression of his full conviction that Miss Fanny Green had
+been smoking, in defiance of the company's by-laws. These rapid
+interviews were enlivened by Mr. Bouncer informing his friends that
+Huz and Buz (who were panting in a locker) were as well as could be
+expected, and giving any other interesting particulars regarding
+himself, his fellow-travellers, or the country in general, that
+could be compressed into the space of sixty seconds or thereabouts;
+and the visits were regularly and ruthlessly brought to an abrupt
+termination by the angry "Now, then, sir!" of the guard, and the
+reckless thrusting of the little gentleman into his second-class
+carriage, to the endangerment of his life and limbs, and the
+exaggerated display of authority on the part of the railway
+official.</p>
+<p>Mr. Bouncer's mercurial temperament had enabled him to get over
+the little misfortune that had followed upon his examination for
+his degree; but he still preserved a memento of that hapless period
+in the shape of a wig of curly black hair. For he found, during the
+summer months, such coolness from his shaven poll, that, in spite
+of "the mum's" entreaties, he would not suffer his own luxuriant
+locks to grow, but declared that, till the winter at any rate, he
+would wear his gent's real head of hair; and in order that our
+railway party should not forget the reason for its existence, Mr.
+Bouncer occasionally favoured them with a sight of his bald head,
+and also narrated to them, with great glee, how, when a very
+starchy lady of a certain age had left their carriage, he had
+called after her upon the platform - holding out his wig as he did
+so - that she had left some of her property behind her; and how the
+passengers and porters had grinned, and the starchy lady had lost
+all her stiffening through the hotness of her wrath.</p>
+<p>York at last! A half-hour's escape from the hot carriage, and a
+hasty dinner on cold lamb and cool salad in the pleasant
+refreshment-room hung round with engravings. Mr. Bouncer's dinner
+is got over with incredible rapidity, in order that the little
+gentleman may carry out his humane intention of releasing Huz and
+Buz from their locker, and giving them their dinner and a run on
+the remote end of the platform, at a distance from timid
+spectators; which design is satisfactorily performed, and crowned
+with a douche bath from the engine-pump.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG and others in the cramped first class railway compartment***"
+src="images/VG224.JPG" /></p>
+<p>Then, away again to the rabbit-hole of
+a locker, the smoky second-class carriage, and the stuffy
+first-class; incarcerated in which black-hole, the plump Miss
+Bouncer, notwithstanding that she has removed her bonnet and all
+superfluous coverings, gets hotter than ever in the afternoon sun,
+and is seen, ever and anon, to pass over her glowing face a
+handkerchief cooled with the waters of Cologne. And, when the man
+with the grease-pot comes round to look at the tires of the wheels,
+the sight of it increases her warmth by suggesting a desire (which
+cannot be gratified) for lemon ice. Nevertheless, they have with
+them a variety of cooling refreshments, and their hot-house fruit
+and strawberries are most acceptable. The Misses Green have wisely
+followed their friend's example, in the removal of bonnets and
+mantles; and, as they amuse themselves with books and embroidery,
+the black-hole bears, as far as possible, a resemblance to a
+boudoir. Charles Larkyns favours the company with extracts from the
+<i>Times</i>; reads to them the last number of Dickens's new tale,
+or directs their attention to the most note-worthy points on their
+route. Mr. Verdant Green is seated <i>vis-a-vis</i> to the plump
+Miss Bouncer, and benignantly beams upon her through his glasses,
+or musingly consults his <i>Bradshaw</i> to count how much nearer
+they have crept to their destination, the while his thoughts have
+travelled on in the very quickest of express trains, and have
+already reached the far north.</p>
+<p>Thus they journey: crawling under the stately old walls of York;
+then, with a rush and a roar, sliding rapidly over the level
+landscape, from whence they can look back upon the glorious Minster
+towers standing out grey and cold from the sunlit plain. Then, to
+Darlington; and on by porters proclaiming the names of stations in
+uncouth Dunelmian tongue, informing passengers that they have
+reached "Faweyill" and "Fensoosen," instead of "Ferry Hill" and
+"Fence Houses," and terrifying nervous people by the command to
+"Change here for Doom!" when only the propinquity of the palatinate
+city is signified. And so, on by the triple towers of Durham that
+gleam in the sun with a ruddy orange hue; on, leaving to the left
+that last resting-place of Bede and St. Cuthbert, on the rock</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"Where his cathedral, huge and vast,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Looks down upon the Wear."</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>On, past the wonderfully out-of-place "Durham monument," a
+Grecian temple on a naked hill among the coal-pits; on, with a
+double curve, over the Wear, laden with its Rhine-like rafts; on,
+to grimy Gateshead and smoky Newcastle, and, with a scream and a
+rattle, over the wonderful High Level (then barely completed),
+looking down with a sort of self-satisfied shudder upon the bridge,
+and the Tyne, and the fleet of colliers, and the busy quays, and
+the quaint timber-built houses with their overlapping storys, and
+picturesque black and white gables. Then, on again, after a cool
+delay and brief release from the black-hole; on, into Northumbrian
+ground, over the Wansbeck; past Morpeth; by Warkworth, and its
+castle, and hermitage; over the Coquet stream, beloved by the
+friends of gentle Izaak Walton; on, by the sea-side - almost along
+the very sands - with the refreshing sea-breeze, and the murmuring
+plash of the breakers - the Misses Green giving way to childish
+delight at this their first glimpse of the sea; on, over the Aln,
+and past Alnwick; and so on, still further north, to a certain
+little station, which is the terminus of their railway journey, and
+the signal of their deliverance from the black-hole.</p>
+<p>There, on the platform is Mr. Honeywood, looking hale and happy,
+and delighted to receive his posse of visitors; and there, outside
+the little station, is the carriage and dog-cart, and a spring-cart
+for the luggage. Charles Larkyns takes possession of the dog-cart,
+in company with Mary and Fanny Green, and little Mr. Bouncer; while
+Huz and Buz, released from their weary imprisonment, caracole
+gracefully around the vehicle. Mr. Honeywood takes the reins of his
+own carriage; Mr. Verdant Green mounts the box beside him; Miss
+Bouncer and Miss Helen Green take possession of the open interior
+of the carriage; the spring-cart, with the servants and luggage,
+follows in the rear; and off they go.</p>
+<p>But, though the two blood-horses are by no means slow of action,
+and do, in truth, gallop apace like fiery-footed steeds, yet to Mr.
+Verdant Green's anxious mind they seem to make but slow progress;
+and the magnificent country through which they pass offers but
+slight charms for his abstracted thoughts; until (at last) they
+come in sight of a broken mountain-range, and Mr. Honeywood,
+pointing with his whip, exclaims, "Yon's the Cheevyuts, as they say
+in these parts; there are the Cheviot Hills; and there, just where
+you see that gleam of light on a white house among some trees -
+there is Honeywood Hall."</p>
+<p>Did Mr. Verdant Green remove his eyes from that object of
+attraction, save when intervening hills, for a time, hid it from
+his view? did he, when they neared it, and he saw its landscape
+beauties bathed in the golden splendours of a July sunset, did he
+think it a very paradise that held within its bowers the Peri of
+his heart's worship? did he - as they passed the lodge, and drove
+up an avenue of firs - did he scan the windows of the house, and
+immediately determine in his own mind which was HER window,
+oblivious to the fact that SHE might sleep on the other side of the
+building? did he, as they pulled up at the door, scrutinize the
+female figures who were there to receive them, and experience a
+feeling made up of doubt and certainty, that there was one who,
+though not present, was waiting near with a heart beating as
+anxiously as his own? did he make wild remarks, and return
+incoherent answers, until the long-expected moment had come that
+brought him face to face with the adorable Patty? did he envy
+Charles Larkyns for possessing and practising the cousinly
+privilege of bestowing a kiss upon her rosy cheeks? and did he, as
+he pressed her hand, and marked the heightened glow of her happy
+face, did he feel within his heart an exultant thrill of joy as the
+fervid thought fired his brain - one day she may be mine?<br />
+Perhaps!</p>
+<a name="ch3.2" id="ch3.2"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents3">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER II.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN DELIVERS MISS PATTY HONEYWOOD FROM THE HORNS
+OF A DILEMMA.</h4>
+<p align="center"><img alt="***Image: Huz and Buz***" src=
+"images/VG227.JPG" /></p>
+<p>EVEN if Mr. Verdant Green had not been
+filled with the peculiarly pleasurable sensations to which allusion
+has just been made, it is yet exceedingly probable that he would
+have found his visit to Honeywood Hall one of those agreeable and
+notable events which the memory of after-years invests with the
+<i>couleur du rose</i>.</p>
+<p>In the first place - even if Miss Patty was left out of the
+question - every one was so particularly attentive to him, that all
+his wants, as regarded amusement and occupation, were promptly
+supplied, and not a minute was allowed to hang heavily upon his
+hands. And, in the second place, the country, and its people and
+customs, had so much freshness and peculiarity, that he could not
+stir abroad without meeting with novelty. New ideas were constantly
+received; and other sensations of a still more delightful nature
+were daily deepened. Thus the time passed pleasantly away at
+Honeywood Hall, and the hours chased each other with flying
+feet.</p>
+<p>Mr. Honeywood was a squire, or laird; and though the prospect
+from the hall was far too extensive to allow of his being monarch
+of <i>all</i> that he surveyed, yet he was the proprietor of no
+inconsiderable portion. The small village of Honeybourn, - which
+brought its one wide street of long, low, lime-washed houses hard
+by the hall, - owned no other master than Mr. Honeywood; and all
+its inhabitants were, in one way or other, his labourers. They had
+their own blacksmith, shoemaker, tailor, and carpenter; they
+maintained a general shop of the tea-coffee-tobacco-and-snuff
+genus; and they lived as one family, entirely independent of any
+other village. In fact, the villages in that district were as
+sparingly distributed as are "livings" among poor curates, and,
+when met with, were equally as small; and so it happened, that as
+the landowners usually resided, like Mr. Honeywood, among their own
+people, a gentleman would occasionally be as badly off for a
+neighbour, as though he had been a resident in the backwoods of
+Canada. This evil, however, was productive of good, in that it set
+aside the possibility of a deliberate interchange of formal
+morning-calls, and obliged neighbours to be hospitable to each
+other, <i>sans ceremonie</i>, and with all good fellowship. To
+drive fifteen, twenty, or even five-and-twenty miles, to a dinner
+party was so common an occurrence, that it excited surprise only in
+a stranger, whose wonderment at this voluntary fatigue would be
+quickly dispelled on witnessing the hearty hospitality and friendly
+freedom that made a north country visit so enjoyable, and robbed
+the dinner party of its ordinary character of an English
+solemnity.</p>
+<p>Close to Honeybourn village was the Squire's model farm, with
+its wide-spreading yards and buildings, and its comfortable
+bailiff's house. In a morning at sunrise, when our Warwickshire
+friends were yet in bed, such of them as were light sleepers would
+hear a not very melodious fanfare from a cow's horn - the signal to
+the village that the day's work was begun, which signal was
+repeated at sunset. This old custom possessed uncommon charms for
+Mr. Bouncer, whose only regret was that he had left behind him his
+celebrated tin horn. But he took to the cow-horn with the readiness
+of a child to a new plaything; and, having placed himself under the
+instruction of the Northumbrian Koenig,
+was speedily enabled to sound his octaves and go the complete
+unicorn (as he was wont to express it, in his peculiarly figurative
+eastern language) with a still more astounding effect than he had
+done on his former instrument. The little gentleman always made a
+point of thus signalling the times of the arrival and departure of
+the post, - greatly to the delight of small Jock Muir, who, girded
+with his letter-bag, and mounted on a highly-trained donkey, rode
+to and fro to the neighbouring post-town.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt="***Image: Jock Muir on his donkey***"
+src="images/VG228.JPG" /></p>
+<p>Although Mr. Verdant Green was not (according to Mr. Bouncer) "a
+bucolical party," and had not any very amazing taste for
+agriculture, he nevertheless could not but feel interested in what
+he saw around him. To one who was so accustomed to the small
+enclosures and timbered hedge-rows of the midland counties, the
+country of the Cheviots appeared in a grand, though naked aspect,
+like some stalwart gladiator of the stern old times. The fields
+were of large extent; and it was no uncommon sight to see, within
+one boundary fence, a hundred acres of wheat, rippling into mimic
+waves, like some inland sea. The flocks and herds, too, were on a
+grand scale; men counted their sheep, not by tens, but by hundreds.
+Everything seemed to be influenced, as it were, by the large
+character of the scenery. The green hills, with their short sweet
+grass, gave good pasture for the fleecy tribe, who were dotted over
+the sward in almost countless numbers; and Mr. Verdant Green was as
+much gratified with "the silly sheep," as with anything else that
+he witnessed in that land of novelty. To see the shepherd, with his
+bonnet and grey plaid, and long slinging step, walking first, and
+the flock following him, - to hear him call the sheep by name, and
+to perceive how he knew them individually, and how they each and
+all would answer to his voice, was a realization of Scripture
+reading, and a northern picture of Eastern life.</p>
+<p>The head shepherd, old Andrew Graham - an active youth whose
+long snowy locks had been bleached by the snows of eighty winters -
+was an especial favourite of Mr. Verdant Green's, who would never
+tire of his company, or of his anecdotes of his marvellous dogs.
+His cottage was at a distance from the village, up in a snug hollow
+of one of the hills. There he lived, and there had been brought up
+his six sons, and as many daughters. Of the latter, two were out at
+service in noble families of the county; one was maid to the Misses
+Honeywood, and the three others were at home. How they and the
+other inmates of the cottage were housed, was a mystery; for,
+although old Andrew was of a superior condition in life to the
+other cottagers of Honeybourn, yet his domicile was like all the
+rest in its arrangements and accommodation. It was one moderately
+large room, fitted up with cupboards, in which, one above another,
+were berths, like to those on board a steamer. In what way the
+morning and evening toilettes were performed was a still greater
+mystery to our Warwickshire friends; nevertheless, the good-looking
+trio of damsels were always to be found neat, clean, and
+presentable; and, as their mother one day proudly remarked, they
+were "douce, sonsy bairns, wi' weel-faur'd nebs; and, for puir
+folks, would be weel tochered." Upon which our hero said "Indeed!"
+which, as he had not the slightest idea what the good woman meant,
+was, perhaps, the wisest remark that he could have made.</p>
+<p>One of them was generally to be found spinning at her muckle
+wheel, retiring and advancing to the music of its cheerful hum, the
+while her spun thread was rapidly coiled up on the spindle. The
+others, as they busied themselves in their household duties, or
+brightened up the delf and pewter, and set it out on the shelf to
+its best advantage, would join in some plaintive Scotch ballad,
+with such good taste and skill that our friends would frequently
+love to linger within hearing, though out of sight.
+</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Old Andrew Graham and others***" src=
+"images/VG230.JPG" /></p>
+<p>But these artless ditties were sometimes specially sung for them
+when they paid the cottage-room a visit, and sat around its
+canopied, projecting fire-place. For, old Andrew was a great
+smoker; and little Mr. Bouncer was exceedingly fond of waylaying
+him on his return home, and "blowing a cloud" with so loquacious
+and novel a companion. And Mr. Verdant Green sometimes joined him
+in these visits; on which occasions, as harmony was the order of
+the day, he would do his best to further it by singing "Marble
+Halls," or any other song that his limited <i>repertoire</i> could
+boast; while old Andrew would burst into "Tullochgorum," or do
+violence to "Get up and bar the door."</p>
+<p>It must be confessed, that the conversation at such times was
+sustained not without difficulty. Old Andrew, his wife, and the
+major portion of his family, were barely able to understand the
+language of their guests, whom they persisted in generalizing as
+"cannie Soothrons;" while the guests, on their part, could not
+altogether arrive at the meaning of observations that were couched
+in the most incomprehensible <i>patois</i> that was ever invented.
+It was "neither fish, flesh, nor good red herring," although it was
+flavoured with the Northumbrian burr, and mixed with a species of
+Scotch; and the historian of these pages would feel almost as much
+difficulty in setting down this north-Northumbrian dialect, as he
+would do were he to attempt to reduce to words the bird-like
+chatter of the Bosjesmen.</p>
+<p>When, for example, the bewigged Mr. Bouncer - "the laddie wi'
+the black pow," as they called him - was addressed as "Hinny! jist
+come ben, and crook yer hough on the settle, and het yersen by the
+chimney-lug," it was as much by action as by word that he
+understood an invitation to be seated; though the "wet yer thrapple
+wi' a drap o' whuskie, mon!" was easier of comprehension when
+accompanied with the presentation of the whiskey-horn. In like
+manner, when Mr. Verdant Green's arrival was announced by the
+furious barking of the faithful dogs, the apology that "the
+camstary breutes of dougs would not steek their clatterin' gabs,"
+was accepted as an ample explanation, more from the dogs being
+quieted than from the lucidity of the remark that explained their
+uproar.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Two Northumbrian lady Bondagers" src=
+"images/VG231.JPG" /></p>
+<p>There was one class of lady-labourers, peculiar to that part
+of the country, who were called Bondagers,
+- great strapping damsels of three or four-woman-power, whose
+occupation it was to draw water, and perform some of the rougher
+duties attendant upon agricultural pursuits. The sturdy legs of
+these young ladies were equipped in greaves of leather, which
+protected them from the cutting attacks of stubble, thistles, and
+all other lacerating specimens of botany, and their exuberant
+figures were clad in buskins, and many-coloured garments, that were
+not long enough to conceal their greaves and clod-hopping boots.
+Altogether, these young women, when engaged at their ordinary
+avocations by the side of a spring, formed no unpicturesque subject
+for the sketcher's pencil, and might have been advantageously
+transferred to canvas by many an artist who travels to greater
+distances in search of lesser novelties. <font color=
+"#FF0000">[37]</font></p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[37] In north-Northumberland, farm-labourers are usually hired by
+the year - from Whitsunday to Whitsunday - and are paid mostly in
+kind, - so many bolls of oats, barley, and peas - so much flax and
+wheat - the keep of a cow, and the addition of a few pounds in
+money. Every hind or labourer is bound, in return for his house, to
+provide a woman labourer to the farmer, for so much a day
+throughout the year - which is usually tenpence a day in summer,
+and eightpence in winter; and as it often happens that he has none
+of his own family fit for the work, he has to hire a woman, at
+large wages, to do it. As the demand is greater than the supply
+there is not always a strict inquiry into the "bondager's"
+character. As with the case of hop-pickers - whom these bondagers
+somewhat resemble both socially and morally - they are oftentimes
+the inhabitants of densely-populated towns, who are tempted to live
+a brief agricultural life, not so much from the temptation of the
+wages, as from the desire to pass a summer-time in the
+country.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>But many peculiar subjects for the pencil might there have been
+found. One day when they were all going to see the ewe-milking
+(which of itself would have furnished material for a host of
+sketches), they suddenly came upon the following scene. Round by
+the gable of a cottage was seated a
+shock-headed rustic Absalom, and standing over him was another
+rustic, who, with a large pair of shears, was acting as an amateur
+Tonson, and was earnestly engaged in reducing the other's profuse
+head of hair; an occupation upon which he busied himself with more
+zeal than discretion. Of this little scene Miss Patty Honeywood
+forthwith made a memorandum.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: A Tonson clips the locks of another rustic***" src=
+"images/VG232.JPG" /></p>
+<p>For Miss Patty possessed the enviable accomplishment of
+sketching from nature; and, leaving the beaten track of young-lady
+figure-artists, who usually limit their efforts to chalk-heads and
+crayon smudges, she boldy launched into the more difficult, but far
+more pleasing undertaking of delineating the human form divine from
+the very life. Mr. Verdant Green found this sketching from nature
+to be so pretty a pastime, that though unable of himself to produce
+the feeblest specimen of art, he yet took the greatest delight in
+watching the facility with which Miss Patty's taper fingers
+transferred to paper the <i>vraisemblance</i> of a pair of sturdy
+Bondagers, or the miniature reflection of a grand landscape.
+Happily for him, also, by way of an excuse for bestowing his
+company upon Miss Patty, he was enabled to be of some use to her in
+carrying her sketching-block and box of moist water-colours, or in
+bringing to her water from a neighbouring spring, or in sharpening
+her pencils. On these occasions Verdant would have preferred their
+being left to the sole enjoyment of each other's company; but this
+was not so to be, for they were always favoured with the attendance
+of at least a third person.</p>
+<p>But (at last!) on one happy day, when the bright sunshine was
+reflected in Miss Patty Honeywood's bright-beaming face, Mr.
+Verdant Green found himself wandering forth,</p>
+<center>"All in the blue, unclouded weather,"</center>
+<p>with his heart's idol, and no third person to intrude upon their
+duet. The alleged purport of the walk was, that Miss Patty might
+sketch the ruined church of Lasthope, which was about two miles
+distant from the Hall. To reach it they had to follow the course of
+the Swirl, which ran through the Squire's grounds.</p>
+<p>The Swirl was a brawling, picturesque stream; at one place
+narrowing into threads of silver between lichen-covered stones and
+fragments of rock; at another place flowing on in deep pools -</p>
+<br />
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"Wimpling, dimpling, staying never-</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Lisping, gurgling, ever going,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Sipping, slipping, ever flowing,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Toying round the polish'd stone;" <font color=
+"#FF0000">[38]</font></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>fretting "in rough, shingly shallows wide," and then "bickering
+down the sunny day." On one day, it might, in places, and with the
+aid of stepping-stones, be crossed dryshod; and within twenty-four
+hours it might be swelled by mountain torrents into a river wider
+than the Thames at Richmond. This sudden growth of the</p>
+<center>"Infant of the weeping hills,"</center>
+<p>was the reason why the high road was carried over the Swirl by a
+bridge of ten arches - a circumstance which had greatly excited
+little Mr. Bouncer's ideas of the ridiculous when he perceived the
+narrow stream scarcely wide enough to wet the sides of one of the
+arches of the great bridge that straggled over it, like a railway
+viaduct over a canal. But, ere his visit to Honeywood Hall had come
+to an end, the little gentleman had more than once seen the Swirl
+swollen to its fullest dimensions, and been enabled to recognize
+the use of the bridge, and the full force of the local expression -
+"the waeter is grit".</p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[38] Thomas Aird<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>As Verdant and Miss Patty made their way along the bank of this
+most changeable stream, they came upon Mr. Charles Larkyns
+knee-deep in it, equipped in his wading-boots and fishing dress,
+and industriously whipping the water for trout. The Swirl was a
+famous trout-stream, and Mr. Honeywood's coachman was a noted
+fisherman, and was accustomed to pass many of his nights fishing
+the stream with a white moth. It appeared that the finny
+inhabitants of the Swirl were as fond of whitebait as are Cabinet
+Ministers and London aldermen; for the coachman's deeds of darkness
+invariably resulted in the production of a fine dish of
+freshly-caught trout for the breakfast-table.</p>
+<p>"It must be hard work," said Verdant to his friend, as they
+stopped awhile to watch him; "it must be hard work to make your way
+against the stream, and to clamber in and out among the rocks and
+stones."</p>
+<p>"Not at all hard work," was Charles Larkyns's reply, "but play.
+Play, too, in more senses than one. See! I have just struck a fish.
+Watch, while I play him.</p>
+<p>'The play's the thing!' Wait awhile and you'll see me land him,
+or I'm much mistaken."</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Charles Larkyns fishing for trout***" src=
+"images/VG234.JPG" /></p>
+<p>So they waited awhile and watched this
+fisherman at play, until he had triumphantly landed his fish, and
+then they pursued their way.</p>
+<p>Miss Patty had great conversational abilities and immense power
+of small talk, so that Verdant felt quite at ease in her society,
+and found his natural timidity and quiet bashfulness to be greatly
+diminished, even if they were not altogether put on one side. They
+were always such capital friends, and Miss Patty was so kind and
+thoughtful in making Verdant appear to the best advantage, and in
+looking over any little <i>gaucheries</i> to which his bashfulness
+might give birth, that it is not to be wondered at if the young
+gentleman should feel great delight in her society, and should seek
+for it at every opportunity. In fact, Miss Patty Honeywood was
+beginning to be quite necessary to Mr. Verdant Green's happy
+existence. It may be that the young lady was not altogether
+ignorant of this, but was enabled to read the young man's state of
+mind, and to judge pretty accurately of his inward feelings, from
+those minute details of outward evidence which womankind are so
+quick to mark, and so skilful in tracing to their true source. It
+may be, also, that the young lady did not choose either to check
+these feelings or to alter this state of mind - which she certainly
+ought to have done if she was solicitous for her companion's
+happiness, and was unable to increase it in the way that he
+wished.</p>
+<p>But, at any rate, with mutual satisfaction for the present, they
+strolled together along the Swirl's rocky banks, and passing into a
+large enclosure, they advanced midway through the fields to a spot
+which seemed a suitable one for Miss Patty's purpose. The brawling
+stream made a good foreground for the picture, which, on the one
+side, was shut in by a steep hill rising precipitously from the
+water's rough bed, and on the other side opened out into a
+mountainous landscape, having in the near view the ruined church of
+Lasthope, with the still more ruinous minister's house, a fir
+plantation, and a rude bridge; with a middle distance of bold,
+sheep-dotted hills; and for a background the "sow-backed" Cheviot
+itself.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: A seated Miss Patty Honeywood is warned by VG of the approaching bull Roarer***"
+src="images/VG235.JPG" /></p>
+<p>Miss Patty had made her outline of this scene, and was preparing
+to wash it in, when, as her companion came up from
+the stream with a little tin can of water,
+he saw, to his equal terror and amazement, a huge bull of the most
+uninviting aspect stealthily approaching the seated figure of the
+unconscious young lady. Mr. Verdant Green looked hastily around and
+at once perceived the danger that menaced his fair friend. It was
+evident that the bull had come up from the further end of the large
+enclosure, the while they had been too occupied to observe his
+stealthy approach. No one was in sight save Charles Larkyns, who
+was too far off to be of any use. The nearest gate was about a
+hundred and fifty yards distant; and the bull was so placed that he
+could overtake them before they would be able to reach it. Overtake
+them! - yes! But suppose they separated? then, as the brute could
+not go two ways at once, there would be a chance for one of them to
+get through the gate in safety. Love, which induces people to take
+extraordinary steps, prompted Mr. Verdant Green to jump at a
+conclusion. He determined, with less display but more sincerity
+than melodramatic heroes, to save Miss Patty, or "perish in the
+attempt."</p>
+<p>She was seated on the rising bank altogether ignorant of the
+presence of danger; and, as Verdant returned to her with the tin
+can of water, she received him with a happy smile, and a gush of
+pleasant small talk, which our hero immediately repressed by
+saying, "Don't be frightened - there is no danger - but there is a
+bull coming towards us. Walk quietly to that gate, and keep your
+face towards him as much as possible, and don't let him see that
+you are afraid of him. I will take off his attention till you are
+safe at the gate, and then I can wade through the stream and get
+out of his reach."</p>
+<p>Miss Patty had at once sprung to her feet, and her smile had
+changed to a terrified expression. "Oh, but he will hurt you!" she
+cried; "do come with me. It is papa's bull <i>Roarer</i>; he is
+very savage. I can't think what brings him here - he is generally
+up at the bailiff's. Pray do come; I can take care of myself."</p>
+<p>Miss Patty in her agitation and anxiety had taken hold of Mr.
+Verdant Green's hand; but, although the young gentleman would at
+any other time have very willingly allowed her to retain possession
+of it, on the present occasion he disengaged it from her clasp, and
+said, "Pray don't lose time, or it will be too late for both of us.
+I assure you that I can easily take care of myself. Now do go,
+pray; quietly, but quickly." So Miss Patty, with an earnest,
+searching gaze into her companion's face, did as he bade her, and
+retreated with her face to the foe.</p>
+<p>In a few seconds, however, the object of her movement had dawned
+upon Mr. Roarer's dull understanding, upon which discovery he set
+up a bellow of fury, and stamped the ground in very undignified
+wrath. But, more than this, like a skilful general who has
+satisfactorily worked out the forty-seventh proposition of the
+First Book of Euclid, and knows therefrom that the square of the
+hypothenuse equals both that of the base and perpendicular, he
+unconsciously commenced the solution of the problem, by making a
+galloping charge in the direction of the gate to which Miss Patty
+was hastening. Thereupon, Mr. Verdant Green, perceiving the young
+lady's peril, deliberately ran towards Mr. Roarer, shouting and
+brandishing the sketch-book. Mr. Roarer paused in wonder and
+perplexity. Mr. Verdant Green shouted and advanced; Miss Patty
+steadily retreated. After a few moments of indecision Mr. Roarer
+abandoned his design of pursuing the petticoats, and resolved that
+the gentleman should be his first victim. Accordingly he sounded
+his trumpet for the conflict, gave another roar and a stamp, and
+then ran towards Mr. Verdant Green, who, having picked up a large
+stone, threw it dexterously into Mr. Roarer's face, which brought
+that broad-chested gentleman to a stand-still of astonishment and a
+search for the missile. Of this Mr. Verdant Green took advantage,
+and made a Parthian retreat. Glancing towards Miss Patty he saw
+that she was within thirty yards of the gate, and in a minute or
+two would be in safety - saved through his means!</p>
+<p>A bellow from Mr. Roarer's powerful lungs prevented him for the
+present from pursuing this delightful theme. In another moment the
+bull charged, and Mr. Verdant Green - braced up, as it were, to
+energetic proceedings by the screams with which Miss Patty had now
+begun to shrilly echo Mr. Roarer's deep-mouthed bellowings - waited
+for his approach, and then, as the bull rushed on him - like a
+massive rock hurled forward by an avalanche - he leaped aside,
+nimble as a doubling hare. As he did so, he threw down his
+wide-awake, which the irate Mr. Roarer forthwith fell upon, and
+tossed, and tossed, and tore into shreds. By this time, Verdant had
+reached the bank of the Swirl; but before he could proceed further,
+the bull was upon him again. Verdant was prepared for this, and had
+taken off his coat. As the bull dashed heavily towards him, with
+head bent wickedly to the ground, Verdant again doubled, and, with
+the dexterity of a matador, threw his coat upon the horns. Blinded
+by this, Mr. Roarer's headlong career was temporarily checked; and
+it was three minutes before he had torn to shreds the imaginary
+body of his enemy; but this three minutes' pause was of very great
+importance, and in all probability prevented the memoirs of Mr.
+Verdant Green from coming to an untimely end at this portion of the
+narrative.</p>
+<p>Miss Patty's continued screams had been signals of distress that
+had not only brought up Charles Larkyns, but four labourers also,
+who were working in a field within ear-shot. This <i>corps de
+reserve</i> ran up to the spot with all speed, shouting as they did
+so, in order to distract Mr. Roarer's attention. By this time Mr.
+Verdant Green had waded into the water, and was making the best of
+his way across the Swirl, in order that he might reach the
+precipitous hill to the right; up this he could scramble and bid
+defiance to Mr. Roarer. But there is many a slip 'tween cup and
+lip. Poor Verdant chanced to make a stepping-stone of a treacherous
+boulder, and fell headlong into the water; and ere he could regain
+his feet, the bull had plunged with a bellow into the stream, and
+was within a yard of his prostrate form, when -</p>
+<p>When you may imagine Mr. Verdant Green's delight and Miss Patty
+Honeywood's thankfulness at seeing one of the labourers run into
+the stream, and strike the bull a heavy stroke with a sharp hoe,
+the pain of which wound caused Mr. Roarer to suddenly wheel round
+and engage with his new adversary, who followed up his advantage,
+and cut into his enemy with might and main. Then Charles Larkyns
+and the other three labourers came up, and the bull was prevented
+from doing an injury to any one until a farm-servant had arrived
+upon the scene with a strong halter, when Mr. Roarer, somewhat
+spent with wrath, and suffering from considerable depression of
+animal spirits, was conducted to the obscure retirement and
+littered ease of the bull-house.</p>
+<p>This little adventure has been recorded here, inasmuch as from
+it was forged, by the hand of Cupid, a golden link in our hero's
+chain of fate; for to this occurrence Miss Patty attached no slight
+importance. She exalted Mr. Verdant Green's conduct on this
+occasion into an act of heroism worthy to be ranked with far more
+notable deeds of valour. She looked upon him as a Bayard who had
+chivalrously risked his life in the cause of - love, was it? or
+only of - a lady. Her gratitude, she considered, ought to be very
+great to one who had, at so great a venture, preserved her from so
+horrible a death. For that she would have been dreadfully gored,
+and would have lost her life, if she had not been rescued by Mr.
+Verdant Green, Miss Patty had most fully and unalterably decided -
+which, certainly, might have been the case.</p>
+<p>At any rate, our hero had no reason to regret that portion of
+his life's drama in which Mr. Roarer had made his appearance.</p>
+<a name="ch3.3" id="ch3.3"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents3">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER III.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN STUDIES YE MANNERS AND CUSTOMS OF YE
+NATYVES.</h4>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Scene from the Honeywood stables***" src=
+"images/VG238.JPG" /></p>
+<p>MISS Patty Honeywood was not only
+distinguished for unlimited powers of conversation, but was also
+equally famous for her equestrian abilities. She and her sister
+were the first horsewomen in that part of the county; and, if their
+father had permitted, they would have been delighted to ride to
+hounds, and to cross country with the foremost flight, for they had
+pluck enough for anything. They had such light hands and good
+seats, and in every respect rode so well, that, as a matter of
+course, they looked well - never better, perhaps, than - when on
+horseback. Their bright, happy faces - which were far more
+beautiful in their piquant irregularities of feature, and gave one
+far more pleasure in the contemplation than if they had been
+moulded in the coldly chiselled forms of classic beauty - appeared
+with no diminution of charms, when set off by their pretty felt
+riding-hats; and their full, firm, and well-rounded figures were
+seen to the greatest advantage when clad in the graceful dress that
+passes by the name of a riding-habit.</p>
+<p>Every morning, after breakfast, the two young ladies were
+accustomed to visit the stables, where they had interviews with
+their respective steeds - steeds and mistresses appearing to be
+equally gratified thereby. It is perhaps needless to state that
+during Mr. Verdant Green's sojourn at Honeywood Hall, Miss Patty's
+stable calls were generally made in his company.</p>
+<p>Such rides as they took in those happy days - wild, pic-nic sort
+of rides, over country equally as wild and removed from formality -
+rides by duets and rides in duodecimos; sometimes a solitary couple
+or two; sometimes a round dozen of them, scampering and racing over
+hill and heather, with startled grouse and black-cock skirring up
+from under the very hoofs of the equally startled horses;- rides by
+tumbling streams, like the Swirl - splashing through them, with
+pulled-up or draggled habits - then cantering on "over bank, bush,
+and scaur," like so many fair Ellens and young Lochinvars -
+clambering up very precipices, and creeping down break-neck hills -
+laughing and talking, and singing, and
+whistling, and even (so far as Mr. Bouncer was concerned) blowing
+cows' horns! What vagabond, rollicking rides were those! What a
+healthy contrast to the necessarily formal, groom-attended canter
+on Society's Rotten Row!</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Another scene from the Honeywood stables***" src=
+"images/VG239.JPG" /></p>
+<p>A legion of dogs accompanied them on these occasions; a
+miscellaneous pack composed of Masters Huz and Buz (in great
+spirits at finding themselves in such capital quarters), a black
+Newfoundland (answering to the name of "Nigger"), a couple of
+setters (with titles from the heathen mythology - "Juno" and
+"Flora"), a ridiculous-looking, bandy-legged otter-hound (called
+"Gripper"), a wiry, rat-catching terrier ("Nipper"), and two
+silky-haired, long-backed, short-legged, sharp-nosed, bright-eyed,
+pepper-and-salt Skye-terriers, who respectively answered to the
+names of "Whisky" and "Toddy," and were the property of the Misses
+Honeywood. The lordly shepherds' dogs, whom they encountered on
+their journeys, would have nothing to do with such a medley of
+unruly scamps, but turned from their overtures of friendship with
+patrician disdain. They routed up rabbits; they turned out
+hedgehogs; and, at their approach, they made the game fly with a
+WHIR-R-R-R-R-R-R arranged as a <i>diminuendo</i>.</p>
+<p>These free-and-easy equestrian expeditions were not only
+agreeable to Mr. Verdant Green's feelings, but they were also
+useful to him as so many lessons of horsemanship, and so greatly
+advanced him in the practice of that noble science, that the
+admiring Squire one day said to him - "I'll tell you what, Verdant!
+before we've done with you, we shall make you ride
+like a Shafto!" At which high eulogium Mr.
+Verdant Green blushed, and made an inward resolution that, as soon
+as he had returned home, he would subscribe to the Warwickshire
+hounds, and make his appearance in the field.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Miss Patty Honeywood and VG with their two horses***"
+src="images/VG240.JPG" /></p>
+<p>On Sundays the Honeywood party usually rode and drove to the
+church of a small market-town, some seven or eight miles distant.
+If it was a wet day, they walked to the ruined church of Lasthope -
+the place Miss Patty was sketching when disturbed by Mr. Roarer.
+Lasthope was in lay hands; and its lay rector, who lived far away,
+had so little care for the edifice, or the proper conduct of divine
+service, that he allowed the one to continue in its ruins, and
+suffered the other to be got through anyhow or not at all - just as
+it happened. Clergymen were engaged to perform the service (there
+was but one each day) at the lowest price of the clerical market.
+Occasionally it was announced, in the vernacular of the district,
+that there would be no church, "because the priest had gone for the
+sea-bathing," or because the waters were out, and the priest could
+not get across. As a matter of course, in consequence of the
+uncertainty of finding any one to perform the service when they had
+got to church, and of the slovenly way in which the service was
+scrambled through when they had got a clergyman there, the
+congregation generally preferred attending the large Presbyterian
+meeting-house, which was about two miles from Lasthope. Here, at
+any rate, they met with the reverse of coldness in the conduct of
+the service.</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green and his male friends strayed there one Sunday
+for curiosity's sake, and found a minister of indefatigable
+eloquence and enviable power of lungs, who had arrived at such a
+pitch of heat, from the combined effects of the weather and his own
+exertions, that in the very middle of his discourse - and literally
+in the heat of it - he paused to divest himself of his gown,
+heavily braided with serge and velvet, and, hanging it over the
+side of the pulpit ("the pilput," his congregation called it),
+mopped his head with his handkerchief, and then pursued his theme
+like a giant refreshed. At this stage in the proceedings, little
+Mr. Bouncer became in a high state of pleasurable excitement, from
+the expectation that the minister would next divest himself of his
+coat, and would struggle through the rest of his argument in his
+shirt-sleeves; but Mr. Bouncer's improper wishes were not
+gratified.</p>
+<p>The sermon was so extremely metaphorical, was founded on such
+abstruse passages, and was delivered in so broad a dialect, that it
+was <i>caviare</i> to Mr. Verdant Green and his friends; but it
+seemed to be far otherwise with the attentive and crowded
+congregation, who relieved their minister at intervals by loud
+bursts of singing, that were impressive from their fervency though
+not particularly harmonious to a delicately-musical ear. Near to
+the close of the service there was a collection, which induced Mr.
+Bouncer to whisper to Verdant - as an axiom deduced from his long
+experience - that "you never come to a strange place, but what you
+are sure to drop in for a collection;" but, on finding that it was
+a weekly offering, and that no one was expected to give more than a
+copper, the little gentleman relented, and cheerfully dropped a
+piece of silver into the wooden box. It was astonishing to see the
+throngs of people, that, in so thinly inhabited a district, could
+be assembled at this meeting-house. Though it seemed almost
+incredible to our midland-county friends, yet not a few of these
+poor, simple, earnest-minded people would walk from a distance of
+fifteen miles, starting at an early hour, coming by easy stages,
+and bringing with them their dinner, so as to enable them to stay
+for the afternoon service. On the Sunday mornings the red cloaks
+and grey plaids of these pious men and women might be seen dotting
+the green hillsides,and slowly moving towards the gaunt and grim
+red brick meeting-house. And around it, on great occasions, were
+tents pitched for the between-service accommodation of the
+worshippers.</p>
+<p>Both they and it contrasted, in every way, with the ruined
+church of Lasthope, whose worship seemed also to have gone to ruin
+with the uncared-for edifice. Its aisles had tumbled down, and
+their material had been rudely built up within the arches of the
+nave. The church was thus converted into the non-ecclesiastical
+form of a parallelogram, and was fitted up with the very rudest and
+ugliest of deal enclosures, which were dignified with the name of
+pews, but ought to have been termed pens.</p>
+<p>During the time of Mr. Verdant Green's visit, the service at
+this ecclesiastical ruin was performed by a clergyman who had
+apparently been selected for the duty from his harmonious
+resemblance to the place; for he also was an ecclesiastical ruin -
+a schoolmaster in holy orders, who, having to slave hard all
+through the working-days of the week, had to work still harder on
+the day of rest. For, first, the Ruin had to ride his stumbling old
+pony a distance of twelve miles (and twelve <i>such</i> miles!) to
+Lasthope, where he stabled it (bringing the feed of corn in his
+pocket, and leading it to drink at the Swirl) in the dilapidated
+stable of the tumbled-down rectory-house. Then he had to get
+through the morning service without any loss of time, to enable him
+to ride eight miles in another direction (eating his sandwich
+dinner as he went along), where he had to take the afternoon duty
+and occasional services at a second church. When this was done, he
+might find his way home as well as he could, and enjoy with his
+family as much of the day of rest as he had leisure and strength
+for. The stipend that the Ruin received for his labours was greatly
+below the wages given to a butler by the lay rector, who pocketed a
+very nice income by this respectable transaction. But the Butler
+was a stately edifice in perfect repair, both outside and in, so
+far as clothes and food went; and the Parson was an ill-conditioned
+Ruin left to moulder away in an obscure situation, without even the
+ivy of luxuriance to make him graceful and picturesque.</p>
+<p>Mr. Honeywood's family were the only "respectable" persons who
+occasionally attended the Ruin's ministrations in Lasthope church.
+The other people who made up the scanty congregation were old
+Andrew Graham and his children, and a few of the poorer sort of
+Honeybourn. They all brought their dogs with them as a matter of
+course. On entering the church the men hung up their bonnets on a
+row of pegs provided for that purpose, and fixed, as an
+ecclesiastical ornament, along the western wall of the church. They
+then took their places in their pens, accompanied by their dogs,
+who usually behaved with remarkable propriety, and, during the
+sermon, set their masters an example of watchfulness. On one
+occasion the proceedings were interrupted by a rat hunt; the dogs
+gave tongue, and leaped the pews in the excitement of the chase -
+their masters followed them and laid about them with their sticks -
+and when with difficulty order had been restored, the service was
+proceeded with. It must be confessed that Mr. Bouncer was so badly
+disposed as to wish for a repetition of this scene; but (happily)
+he was disappointed.</p>
+<p>The choir of Lasthope Church was centred in the person of the
+clerk, who apparently sang tunes of his own composing, in which the
+congregation joined at their discretion, though usually to
+different airs. The result was a discordant struggle, through which
+the clerk bravely maintained his own until he had exhausted
+himself, when he shut up his book and sat down, and the
+congregation had to shut up also. During the singing the
+intelligence of the dogs was displayed in their giving a stifled
+utterance to howls of anguish, which were repeated <i>ad
+libitum</i> throughout the hymn; but as this was a customary
+proceeding it attracted no attention, unless a dog expressed his
+sufferings more loudly than was wont, when he received a clout from
+his master's staff that silenced him, and sent him under the
+pew-seat, as to a species of ecclesiastical St. Helena.</p>
+<p>Such was Lasthope Church, its Ruin, and its service; and, as may
+be imagined from these notes which the veracious historian has
+thought fit to chronicle, Mr. Verdant Green found that his Sundays
+in Northumberland produced as much novelty as the week-days.</p>
+<a name="ch3.4" id="ch3.4"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents3">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER IV.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN ENDEAVOURS TO SAY SNIP TO SOME ONE'S
+SNAP.</h4>
+<p>THERE was a gate in the kitchen-garden of Honeywood Hall, that
+led into an orchard; and in this orchard there was a certain
+apple-tree that had assumed one of those peculiarities of form to
+which the children of Pomona are addicted. After growing upright
+for about a foot and a half, it had suddenly shot out at right
+angles, with a gentle upward slope for a length of between three
+and four feet, and had then again struck up into the perpendicular.
+It thus formed a natural orchard seat, capable of holding two
+persons comfortably - provided that they regarded a close proximity
+as comfortable sitting.</p>
+<p>One day Miss Patty directed Verdant's attention to this vagary
+of nature. "This is one of my favourite haunts," she said. "I often
+steal here on a hot day with some work or a book. You see this
+upper branch makes quite a little table, and I can rest my book
+upon it. It is so pleasant to be under the shade here, with the
+fruit or blossoms over one's head; and it is so snug and retired,
+and out of the way of every one."</p>
+<p>"It <i>is</i> very snug - and very retired," said Mr. Verdant
+Green; and he thought that now would be the very time to put in
+execution a project that had for some days past been haunting his
+brain.</p>
+<p>"When Kitty and I," said Miss Patty, "have any secrets we come
+here and tell them to each other while we sit at our work. No one
+can hear what we say; and we are quite snug all to ourselves."</p>
+<p>Very odd, thought Verdant, that they should fix on this
+particular spot for confidential communications, and take the
+trouble to come here to make them, when they could do so in their
+own rooms at the house. And yet it isn't such a bad spot
+either.</p>
+<p>"Try how comfortable a seat it is!" said Miss Patty.</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green began to feel hot. He sat down, however, and
+tested the comforts of the seat, much in the same way as he would
+try the spring of a lounging chair, and apparently with a like
+result, for he said, "Yes, it <i>is</i> very comfortable - very
+comfortable indeed."</p>
+<p>"I thought you'd like it," said Miss Patty; "and you see how
+nicely the branches droop all round: they make it quite an arbour.
+If Kitty had been here with me I think you would have had some
+trouble to have found us."</p>
+<p>"I think I should; it is quite a place to hide in," said
+Verdant. But the young lady and gentleman must have been speaking
+with the spirit of ostriches, and have imagined that, when they had
+hidden their heads, they had altogether concealed themselves from
+observation; for the branches of the apple-tree only drooped low
+enough to conceal the upper part of their figures, and left the
+rest exposed to view. "Won't you sit down, also?" asked Verdant,
+with a gasp and a sensation in his head as though he had been
+drinking champagne too freely.</p>
+<p>"I'm afraid there's scarcely room for me," pleaded Miss
+Patty.</p>
+<p>"Oh yes, there is, indeed! pray sit down."</p>
+<p>So she sat down on the lower part of the trunk. Mr. Verdant
+Green glanced rapidly round and perceived that they were quite
+alone, and partly shrouded from view. The following highly
+interesting conversation then took place.</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "Won't you change places with me? you'll slip
+off."</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "No - I think I can manage."</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "But you can come closer."</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "Thanks." (<i>She comes closer.</i>)</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "Isn't that more comfortable?"</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "Yes - very much."</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> (<i>Very hot, and not knowing what to say</i>) - "I -
+I think you'll slip!"</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "Oh no! it's very comfortable indeed." (That is to
+say - thinks Mr. Verdant Green - that sitting BY ME is very
+comfortable. Hurrah!)</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "It's very hot, don't you think?"</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "How very odd! I was just thinking the same."</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "I think I shall take my hat off - it is so warm.
+Dear me! how stupid! - the strings are in a knot."</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "Let me see if I can untie them for you."</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "Thanks! no! I can manage." (<i>But she
+cannot.</i>)</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "You'd better let me try! now do!"</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "Oh, thanks! but I'm sorry you should have the
+trouble."</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "No trouble at all. Quite a pleasure."</p>
+<p>In a very hot condition of mind and fingers, Mr. Verdant Green
+then endeavoured to release the strings from their entanglement.
+But all in vain: he tugged, and pulled, and only made matters
+worse. Once or twice in the struggle his hands touched Miss Patty's
+chin; and no highly-charged electrical machine could have imparted
+a shock greater than that tingling sensation of pleasure which Mr.
+Verdant Green experienced when his fingers, for the fraction of a
+second, touched Miss Patty's soft dimpled chin. Then there was her
+beautiful neck, so white, and with such blue veins! he had an
+irresistible desire to stroke it for its very smoothness - as one
+loves to feel the polish of marble, or the glaze of wedding cards -
+instead of employing his hands in fumbling at the brown ribands,
+whose knots became more complicated than ever. Then there was her
+happy rosy face, so close to which his own was brought; and her
+bright, laughing, hazel eyes, in which, as he timidly looked up, he
+saw little daguerreotypes of himself. Would that he could retain
+such a photographer by his side through life! Miss Bouncer's camera
+was as nothing compared with the <i>camera lucida</i> of those
+clear eyes, that shone upon him so truthfully, and mirrored for him
+such pretty pictures. And what with these eyes, and the face, and
+the chin, and the neck, Mr. Verdant Green was brought into such an
+irretrievable state of mental excitement that he was perfectly
+unable to render Miss Patty the service he had proffered. But, more
+than that, he as yet lacked sufficient courage to carry out his
+darling project.</p>
+<p>At length Miss Patty herself untied the rebellious knot, and
+took off her hat. The highly interesting conversation was then
+resumed.</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "What a frightful state my hair is in!" (<i>Loops up
+an escaped lock.</i>) "You must think me so untidy. But out in the
+country, and in a place like this where no one sees us, it makes
+one careless of appearance."</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "I like 'a sweet neglect,' especially in - in some
+people; it suits them so well. I - 'pon my word, it's very
+hot!"</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "But how much hotter it must be from under the
+shade. It is so pleasant here. It seems so dreamlike to sit among
+the shadows and look out upon the bright landscape."</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "It <i>is</i> - very jolly - soothing, at least!"
+(<i>A pause.</i>) "I think you'll slip. Do you know, I think it
+will be safer if you will let me" (<i>here his courage fails him.
+He endeavours to say</i> put my arm round your waist, <i>but his
+tongue refuses to speak the words; so he substitutes</i>) "change
+places with you."</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> (<i>Rises, with a look of amused vexation.</i>)
+"Certainly! If you so particularly wish it." (<i>They change
+places.</i>) "Now, you see, you have lost by the change. You are
+too tall for that end of the seat, and it did very nicely for a
+little body like me."</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> (<i>With a thrill of delight and a sudden burst of
+strategy.</i>) "I can hold on to this branch, if my arm will not
+inconvenience you."</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "Oh no! not particularly:" (<i>he passes his right
+arm behind her, and takes hold of a bough:</i>) "but I should think
+it's not very comfortable for you."</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "I couldn't be more comfortable, I'm sure."
+(<i>Nearly slips off the tree, and doubles up his legs into an
+unpicturesque attitude highly suggestive of misery. - A pause</i>)
+"And do you tell your secrets here?"</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "My secrets? Oh, I see - you mean, with Kitty. Oh,
+yes! if this tree could talk, it would be able to tell such
+dreadful stories."</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "I wonder if it could tell any dreadful stories of -
+<i>me</i>?"</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "Of you? Oh, no! Why should it? We are only severe
+on those we dislike."</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Miss Patty Honeywood seated with VG on the apple tree bow adjusts her bonnet ties***"
+src="images/VG246.JPG" /></p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "Then you don't dislike me?"</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "No! - why should we?"</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "Well - I don't know - but I thought you might. Well,
+I'm glad of that - I'm <i>very</i> glad of that. 'Pon my word, it's
+<i>very</i> hot! don't you think so?"</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "Yes! I'm burning. But I don't think we should find
+a cooler place." (<i>Does not evince any symptoms of
+moving.</i>)</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "Well, p'raps we shouldn't." (<i>A pause.</i>) "Do
+you know that I'm very glad you don't dislike me; because, it
+wouldn't have been pleasant to be disliked by you, would it?"</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "Well - of course, I can't tell. It depends upon
+one's own feelings."</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "Then you don't dislike me?"</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "Oh dear, no! why should I?"</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "And if you don't dislike me, you must like me?"</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "Yes - at least - yes, I suppose so."</p>
+<p>At this stage of the proceedings, the arm that Mr. Verdant Green
+had passed behind Miss Patty thrilled with such a peculiar
+sensation that his hand slipped down the bough, and the arm
+consequently came against Miss Patty's waist, where it rested. The
+necessity for saying something, the wish to make that something the
+something that was bursting his heart and brain, and the dread of
+letting it escape his lips - these three varied and mingled
+sensations so distracted poor Mr. Verdant Green's mind, that he was
+no more conscious of what he was giving utterance to than if he had
+been talking in a dream. But there was Miss Patty by his side - a
+very tangible and delightful reality - playing (somewhat nervously)
+with those rebellious strings of her hat, which loosely hung in her
+hand, while the dappled shadows flickered on the waving masses of
+her rich brown hair, - so something must be said; and, if it should
+lead to <i>the</i> something, why, so much the better.</p>
+<p>Returning, therefore, to the subject of like and dislike, Mr.
+Verdant Green managed to say, in a choking, faltering tone, "I
+wonder how much you like me - very much?"</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "Oh, I couldn't tell - how should I? What strange
+questions you ask! You saved my life; so, of course, I am very,
+very grateful; and I hope I shall always be your friend."</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "Yes, I hope so indeed - always - and something more.
+Do you hope the same?"</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "What <i>do</i> you mean? Hadn't we better go back
+to the house?"</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "Not just yet - it's so cool here - at least, not
+cool exactly, but hot - pleasanter, that is - much pleasanter here.
+<i>You</i> said so, you know, a little while since. Don't mind me;
+I always feel hot when - when I'm out of doors."</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "Then we'd better go indoors."</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "Pray don't - not yet - do stop a little longer."</p>
+<p>And the hand that had been on the bough of the tree, timidly
+seized Miss Patty's arm, and then naturally, but very gently, fell
+upon her waist. A thrill shot through Mr. Verdant Green, like an
+electric flash, and, after traversing from his head to his heels,
+probably passed out safely at his boots - for it did him no harm,
+but, on the contrary, made him feel all the better.</p>
+<p>"But," said the young lady, as she felt the hand upon her waist
+- not that she was really displeased at the proceeding, but perhaps
+she thought it best, under the circumstances, to say something that
+should have the resemblance of a veto - "but it is not necessary to
+hold me a prisoner."</p>
+<p>"It's <i>you</i> that hold <i>me</i> a prisoner!" said Mr.
+Verdant Green, with a sudden burst of enthusiasm and blushes, and a
+great stress upon the pronouns.</p>
+<p>"Now you are talking nonsense, and, if so, I must go!" said Miss
+Patty. And she also blushed; perhaps it was from the heat. But she
+removed Mr. Verdant Green's hand from her waist, and he was much
+too frightened to replace it.</p>
+<p>"Oh! <i>do</i> stay a little!" gasped the young gentleman, with
+an awkward sensation of want of employment for his hands. "You said
+that secrets were told here. I don't want to talk nonsense; I don't
+indeed; but the truth. <i>I've</i> a secret to tell you. Should you
+like to hear it?"</p>
+<p>"Oh yes!" laughed Miss Patty. "I like to hear secrets."</p>
+<p>Now, how very absurd it was in Mr. Verdant Green wasting time in
+beating about the bush in this ridiculously timid way! Why could he
+not at once boldly secure his bird by a straightforward shot? She
+did not fly out of his range - did she? And yet, here he was making
+himself unnecessarily hot and uncomfortable, when he might, by
+taking it coolly, have been at his ease in a moment. What a foolish
+young man! Nay, he still further lost time and evaded his purpose,
+by saying once again to Miss Patty - instead of immediately
+replying to her observation - "'Pon my word, it's uncommonly hot!
+don't you think so?"</p>
+<p>Upon which Miss Patty replied, with some little chagrin, "And
+was that your secret?" If she had lived in the Elizabethan era she
+could have adjured him with a "Marry, come up!" which would have
+brought him to the point without any further trouble; but living in
+a Victorian age, she could do no more than say what she did, and
+leave the rest of her meaning to the language of the eyes.</p>
+<p>"Don't laugh at me!" urged the bashful and weak-minded young
+man; "don't laugh at me! If you only knew what I feel when you
+laugh at me, you'd" -</p>
+<p>"Cry, I dare say!" said Miss Patty, cutting him short with a
+merry smile, and (it must be confessed) a most wickedly-roguish
+expression about those bright flashing hazel eyes of hers. "Now,
+you haven't told me this wonderful secret!"</p>
+<p>"Why," said Mr. Verdant Green, slowly and deliberately - feeling
+that his time was coming on, and cowardly anxious still to fight
+off the fatal words - "you said that you didn't dislike me; and, in
+fact, that you liked me very much; and" -</p>
+<p>But here Miss Patty cut him short again. She turned sharply
+round upon him, with those bright eyes and that merry face, and
+said, "Oh! how <i>can</i> you say so? I never said anything of the
+sort!"</p>
+<p>"Well," said Mr. Verdant Green, who was now desperate, and
+mentally prepared to take the dreaded plunge into that throbbing
+sea that beats upon the strand of matrimony, "whether <i>you</i>
+like <i>me</i> very much or not, <i>I</i> like <i>you</i> very
+much! - very much indeed! Ever since I saw you, since last
+Christmas, I've - I've liked you - very much indeed."</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Miss Patty Honeywood and VG on the apple tree bow***"
+src="images/VG249.JPG" /></p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green, in a very hot and excited state, had,
+while he was speaking, timidly brought his
+hand once more to Miss Patty's waist; and she did not interfere
+with its position. In fact, she was bending down her head, and was
+gazing intently on another knot that she had wilfully made in her
+hat-strings; and she was working so violently at that occupation of
+untying the knot, that very probably she might not have been aware
+of the situation of Mr. Verdant Green's hand. At any rate, her own
+hands were too much busied to suffer her to interfere with his.</p>
+<p>At last the climax had arrived. Mr. Verdant Green had screwed
+his courage to the sticking point, and had resolved to tell the
+secret of his love. He had got to the very edge of the precipice,
+and was on the point of jumping over head and ears into the stream
+of his destiny, and of bursting into any excited form of words that
+should make known his affection and his designs, when - when a vile
+perfume of tobacco, a sudden barking rush of Huz and Buz, and the
+horrid voice of little Mr. Bouncer, dispelled the bright vision,
+dispersed his ideas, and prevented the fulfilment of his
+purpose.</p>
+<p>"Holloa, Giglamps!" roared the little gentleman, as he removed a
+short pipe from his mouth, and expelled an ascending curl of smoke;
+"I've been looking for you everywhere! Here we are, - as Hamlet's
+uncle said, - all in the horchard! I hope he's not been pouring
+poison in <i>your</i> ear, Miss Honeywood; he looks rather guilty.
+The Mum - I mean your mother - sent me to find you. The luncheon's
+been on the table more than an hour!"</p>
+<p>Luckily for Mr. Verdant Green and Miss Patty Honeywood, little
+Mr. Bouncer rattled on without waiting for any reply to his
+observations, and thus enabled the young lady to somewhat recover
+her presence of mind, and to effect a hasty retreat from under the
+apple tree, and through the garden gate.</p>
+<p>"I say, old feller," said Mr. Bouncer, as he criticized Mr.
+Verdant Green's countenance over the bowl of his pipe, "you look
+rather in a stew! What's up? My gum!" cried the little gentleman,
+as an idea of the truth suddenly flashed upon him; "you don't mean
+to say you've been doing the spooney - what you call making love -
+have you?"</p>
+<p>"Oh!" groaned the person addressed, as he followed out the train
+of his own ideas; "if you <i>had</i> but have come five minutes
+later - or not at all! It's most provoking!"</p>
+<p>"Well, you're a grateful bird, I don't think!" said Mr. Bouncer.
+"Cut after her into luncheon, and have it out over the cold mutton
+and pickles!"</p>
+<p>"Oh no!" responded the luckless lover; "I can't' eat -
+especially before the others! I mean - I couldn't talk to her
+before the others. Oh! I don't know what I'm saying."</p>
+<p>"Well, I don't think you do, old feller!" said Mr. Bouncer,
+puffing away at his pipe. "I'm sorry I was in the road, though!
+because, though I fight shy of those sort of things myself, yet I
+don't want to interfere with the little weaknesses of other folks.
+But come and have a pipe, old feller, and we'll talk matters over,
+and see what pips are on the cards, and what's the state of the
+game."</p>
+<p>Now, a pipe was Mr. Bouncer's panacea for every kind of
+indisposition, both mental and bodily.</p>
+<a name="ch3.5" id="ch3.5"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents3">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER V.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN MEETS WITH THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER.</h4>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG imagines himself and his dark haired rival in a historic drama competing for the attentions of a lady***"
+src="images/VG251.JPG" /></p>
+<p><small>[Note: The cousin who first appears in this Chapter is
+initially called "Frank" Delaval; the given name soon yields
+however to "Fred" ('...speaking to each other as 'Patty' and
+'Fred'...'), and still later to "Frederick" ("...Frederick Delaval
+was a yachtsman, and owner of the <i>Fleur-de-lys</i>..."). These
+inconsistent references in this Chapter and later are to the same
+character, but have here been left unmodified, as in most of the
+later editions].</small></p>
+<p>MENTION had frequently been made by the
+members of the Honeywood family, but more especially by Miss Patty,
+of a cousin - a male cousin - to whom they all seemed to be
+exceedingly partial - far more partial, as Mr. Verdant Green
+thought, with regard to Miss Patty, than he would have wished her
+to have been. This cousin was Mr. Frank Delaval, a son of their
+father's sister. According to their description, he possessed good
+looks, and an equivalently good fortune, with all sorts of
+accomplishments, both useful and ornamental; and was, in short (in
+their eyes at least), a very admirable Crichton of the nineteenth
+century.</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green had heard from Miss Patty so much of her
+cousin Frank, and of the pleasure they were anticipating from a
+visit he had promised shortly to make to them, that he had at
+length begun to suspect that the young lady's maiden meditations
+were not altogether "fancy free," and that her thoughts dwelt upon
+this handsome cousin far more than was palatable to Mr. Verdant
+Green's feelings. In the most unreasonable manner, therefore, he
+conceived a violent antipathy to Mr. Frank Delaval, even before he
+had set eyes upon him, and considered that the Honeywood family
+had, one and all, greatly overrated him. But these suppositions and
+suspicions made him doubly anxious to come to an understanding with
+Miss Patty before the arrival of the dreaded Adonis; and it was
+this thought that had helped to nerve him through the terrors of
+the orchard scene, and which, but for Mr. Bouncer's
+<i>malapropos</i> intrusion, would have brought things to a
+crisis.</p>
+<p>However, after he had had a talk with Mr. Bouncer, and had been
+fortified by that little gentleman's pithy admonitions to "go in
+and win," and to "strike while the iron's hot," and that "faint
+heart never won a nice young 'ooman," he determined to seek out
+Miss Patty at once, and bring to an end their unfinished
+conversation. For this purpose he returned to the hall, where he
+found a great commotion, and a carriage at the door; and out of the
+carriage jumped a handsome young man, with a black moustache, who
+ran up to the open hall-door (where Miss Patty was standing with
+her sister), seized Miss Kitty by the hand, and placed his
+moustache under her nose, and then seized Miss Patty by <i>her</i>
+hand, and removed the moustache to beneath <i>her</i> nose! And all
+this unblushingly and as a matter of course, out in the sunshine,
+and before the servants! Mr. Verdant Green retreated without having
+been seen, and, plunging into the shrubbery, told his woes to the
+evergreens, and while he listened to</p>
+<center>"The dry-tongued laurel's pattering talk,"</center>
+<p>he thought, "It is as I feared! I am nothing more to her than a
+simple friend." Though, why he so morosely arrived at this idea it
+would be hard to say. Perhaps other jealous lovers have been
+similarly unreasonable and unreasoning in their conclusions, and,
+of their own accord, run to the dark side of the cloud, when they
+might have pleasantly remained within its silver lining.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Miss Patty Honeywood at the chessboard***" src=
+"images/VG252.JPG" /></p>
+<p>But when Frank Delaval had been seen, and heard, and made
+acquaintance with, Verdant, who was much too simple-hearted to
+dislike any one without just grounds for so doing, entered (even
+after half an hour's knowledge) into the band of his
+admirers; and that same evening, in the
+drawing-room, while Miss Kitty was playing one of Schulhoff's
+mazurkas, with her moustached cousin standing by her side, and
+turning over the music-leaves, Verdant privately declared, over a
+chessboard, to Miss Patty, that Mr. Frank Delaval was the
+handsomest and most delightful man he had ever met. And when Miss
+Patty's eyes sparkled at this proof of his truth and
+disinterestedness, Verdant mistook the bright signals; and further
+misconstruing the cause why (as they continued to speak of her
+cousin) she made a most egregious blunder, that caused her opponent
+to pronounce the word "Mated!" he regarded it as a fatal omen, more
+especially as Mr. Frank came to her side at that very moment; and
+when the young lady laughed, and said, "What a goose I am! whatever
+could I have been thinking of?" he thought within himself
+(persisting in his illogical and perverse conclusions), "It is very
+plain what she is thinking about! I was afraid that she loved him,
+and now I know it." So he put up the chess-men, while she went to
+the piano with her cousin; and he even wished that Mr. Bouncer had
+interrupted their apple-tree conversation at its commencement; but
+was thankful to him for coming in time to save him from the pain of
+being rejected in favour of another. Then, in five minutes, he
+changed his mind, and had decided that it would have spared him
+much misery if he could have heard his fate from his Patty's own
+lips. Then he wished that he had never come to Northumberland at
+all, and began to think how he should spend his time in the
+purgatory that Honeywood Hall would now be to him.</p>
+<p>When they separated for the night, HE again placed his moustache
+beneath HER nose. Mr. Verdant Green turned away his head at such a
+sickly exhibition. It was a presumption upon cousinship. Charles
+Larkyns did not kiss her; and he was equally as much her cousin as
+Frank Delaval.</p>
+<p>And yet, when the young men went into the back kitchen for a
+pipe and a chat before going to bed, Verdant was so delighted with
+that handsome cousin Frank, that he thought, "If I was a girl, I
+should think as <i>she</i> does."</p>
+<p>"And why should she not love him?" meditated the poor fellow,
+when he was lying awake in his bed that self-same night, rendered
+sleepless by the pain of his new wound; "why should she not love
+him? how could she do otherwise? thrown together as they have been
+from children - speaking to each other as 'Patty' and 'Fred'-
+kissing each other - and being as brother and sister. Would that
+they were so! How he kept near her all the evening - coming to her
+even when she was playing chess with <i>me</i>, then singing with
+her, and playing her accompaniments. She said that no one could
+play her accompaniments like <i>he</i> could - he had such good
+taste, and such a firm, delicate touch. Then, when they talked
+about sketching, she said how she had missed him, and that she had
+been reserving the view from Brankham Law, in order that they might
+sketch it together. Then he showed her his last drawings - and they
+were beautiful. What can I do against this?" groaned poor Verdant,
+from under the bed-clothes; "he has accomplishments, and I have
+none; he has good looks, and I haven't; he has a moustache and a
+pair of whiskers, - and I have only a pair of spectacles! I cannot
+shine in society, and win admiration, like he does; I have nothing
+to offer her but my love. Lucky fellow! he is worthier of her than
+I am - and I hope they will be very happy." At which thought,
+Verdant felt highly the reverse, and went off into dismal
+dreams.</p>
+<p>In the morning, when Miss Patty and her cousin were setting out
+for the hill called Brankham Law, Verdant, who had retreated to a
+garden-seat beneath a fine old cedar, was roused from a very
+abstracted perusal of "The Dream of Fair Women," by the apparition
+of one who, in his eyes, was fairer than them all.</p>
+<p>"I have been searching for you everywhere," said Miss Patty.
+"Mamma said that you were not riding with the others, so I knew
+that you must be somewhere about. I think I shall lock up my
+<i>Tennyson</i>, if it takes you so much out of our society. Won't
+you come up Brankham Law with Frank and me?"</p>
+<p>"Willingly if you wish it," answered Verdant, though with an
+unwilling air; "but of what use can I be? - Othello's occupation is
+gone. Your cousin can fill my place much better than if I were
+there."</p>
+<p>"How very ungrateful you are!" said Miss Patty; "you really
+deserve a good scolding! I allow you to watch me when I am
+painting, in order that you may gain a lesson, and just when you
+are beginning to learn something, then you give up. But, at any
+rate, take Fred for your master, and come and watch <i>him</i>; he
+<i>can</i> draw. If you were to go to any of the great men to have
+a lesson of them, all that they would do would be to paint before
+you, and leave you to look on and pick up what knowledge you could.
+I know that <i>I</i> cannot draw anything worth looking at, -"</p>
+<p>"Indeed, but -"</p>
+<p>"But Fred," continued Miss Patty, who was going at too great a
+pace to be stopped, "but Fred is as good as many masters that you
+would meet with; so it will be an advantage to you to come and look
+over him."</p>
+<p>"I think I should prefer to look over you."</p>
+<p>"Now you are paying compliments, and I don't like them. But, if
+you will come, you will really be useful. You see I am mercenary in
+my wishes, after all. Here is Fred with a load of sketching
+materials; won't you take pity on him, and relieve him of my share
+of his burden?"</p>
+<p>If I could take <i>you</i> off his hands, thought Verdant, I
+should be better pleased. But Miss Patty won the day; and Verdant
+took possession of her sketching-block and drawing materials, and
+set off with them to Brankham Law.</p>
+<p>Frederick Delaval was a yachtsman, and owner of the
+<i>Fleur-de-lys</i>, a cutter yacht, of fifty tons. Besides being
+inclined to amateur nautical pursuits, he was also partial to an
+amateur nautical costume; and he further dressed the character of a
+yachtsman by slinging round him his telescope, which was protected
+from storms and salt water by a leathern case. This telescope was,
+in a moment, uncased and brought to bear upon everybody and
+everything, at every opportunity, in proper nautical fashion, being
+used by him for distant objects as other people would use an
+eyeglass for nearer things. And no sooner had they arrived at the
+grassy <i>plateau</i> that marked the summit of Brankham Law, than
+the telescope was unslung, and its proprietor swept the horizon -
+for there was a distant view of the ocean - in search of the
+<i>Fleur-de-lys</i>.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Miss Patty Honeywood rests the telescope on Mr. Frederick Delaval's shoulder***"
+src="images/VG255.JPG" /></p>
+<p>"I am afraid," he said, "that we shall not be able to make
+her out; the distance is almost too great
+to distinguish her from other vessels, although the whiteness of
+her sails would assist us to a recognition. If the skipper got
+under way at the hour I told him, he ought about this time to be
+rounding the headland that you see stretching out yonder."</p>
+<p>"I think I see a white sail in that direction," said Miss Patty,
+as she shaded her eyes with her hand, and looked out earnestly in
+the required quarter.</p>
+<p>"My dear Patty," laughed her cousin, "if you knew anything of
+nautical matters, you would see that it was not a cutter yacht, for
+she has more than one mast; though, certainly, as you saw her, she
+seemed to have but one, for she was just coming about, and was in
+stays."</p>
+<p>"In stays!" exclaimed Miss Patty; "why what singular expressions
+you sailors have!"</p>
+<p>"Oh yes!" said Frederick Delaval, "and some vessels have waists
+- like young ladies. But now I think I see the <i>Fleur-de-lys</i>!
+that gaff tops'l yard was never carried by a coasting vessel. To be
+sure it is! the skipper knows how to handle her; and, if the breeze
+holds, she will soon reach her port. Come and have a look at her,
+Patty, while I rest the glass for you." So he balanced it on his
+shoulder, while Miss Patty looked through it with her one eye, and
+placed her fingers upon the other - after the manner of young
+ladies when they look through a telescope; and then burst into such
+animated, but not thoughtful observations, as "Oh! I can see it
+quite plainly. Oh! it is rolling about so! Oh! there are two little
+men in it! Oh! one of them's pulling a rope! Oh! it all seems to be
+brought so near!" as if there had been some doubt on the matter,
+and she had expected the telescope to make things invisible. Miss
+Patty was quite in childish delight at watching the
+<i>Fleur-de-lys</i>' movements, and seemed to forget all about the
+proposed sketch, although Mr. Verdant Green had found her a
+comfortable rock seat, and had placed her drawing materials ready
+for use.</p>
+<p>"How happy and confiding they are!" he thought, as he gazed upon
+them thus standing together; "they seem to be made for each other.
+He is far more fitted for her than I am. I wonder if I shall ever
+see them after they are - married. <i>I</i> shall never be
+married." And, after this morbid fashion, the young gentleman took
+a melancholy pleasure in arranging his future.</p>
+<p>It was about this time that the divine afflatus - which had lain
+almost dormant since his boyish "Address to the Moon" - was again
+manifested in him by the production of numberless poetical
+effusions, in which his own poignant anguish and Miss Patty's
+incomparable attractions were brought forward in verses of various
+degrees of mediocrity. They were also equally varied in their style
+and treatment; one being written in a fierce and gloomy Byronic
+strain, while another followed the lighter childish style of
+Wordsworth. To this latter class, perhaps, belonged the following
+lines, which, having accidentally fallen into the hands of Mr.
+Bouncer, were pronounced by him to be "no end good! first-rate
+fun!" for the little gentleman put a highly erroneous construction
+upon them, and, to the great laceration of the author's feelings,
+imagined them to be altogether of a comic tendency. But, when Mr.
+Verdant Green wrote them, he probably thought that "deep meaning
+lieth oft in childish play":-</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"Pretty Patty Honeywood,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Fresh, and fair, and plump,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Into your affections</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>I should like to jump!</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Into your good graces</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>I should like to steal;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>That you lov'd me truly</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>I should like to feel.</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<br />
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"Pretty Patty Honeywood,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>You can little know</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>How my sea of passion</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Unto you doth flow;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>How it ever hastens,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>With a swelling tide,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>To its strand of happiness</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>At thy darling side.</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<br />
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"Pretty Patty Honeywood,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Would that you and I</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Could ask the surpliced parson</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Our wedding knot to tie!</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Oh! my life of sunshine</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Then would be begun,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Pretty Patty Honeywood,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>When you and I were one."</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>But by far his greatest poetical achievement was his "Legend of
+the Fair Margaret," written in Spenserian metre, and commenced at
+this period of his career, though never completed. The plot was of
+the most dismal and intricate kind. The Fair Margaret was beloved
+by two young men, one of whom (Sir Frederico) was dark, and
+(necessarily, therefore) as badly disposed a young man as you would
+desire to keep out of your family circle, and the other (Sir
+Verdour) was light, and (consequently) as mild and amiable as any
+given number of maiden aunts could wish. As a matter of course,
+therefore, the Fair Margaret perversely preferred the dark Sir
+Frederico, who had poisoned her ears, and told her the most
+abominable falsehoods about the good and innocent Sir Verdour; when
+just as Sir Frederico was about to forcibly carry away the Fair
+Margaret-</p>
+<p>Why, just then, circumstances over which Mr. Verdant Green had
+no control, prevented the <i>denouement</i>, and the completion of
+"the Legend."</p>
+<a name="ch3.6" id="ch3.6"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents3">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER VI.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN JOINS A NORTHUMBERLAND PIC-NIC.</h4>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Monarch bull of the Chillingham wild cattle***" src=
+"images/VG258.JPG" /></p>
+<p>SOME weeks had passed away very
+pleasantly to all - pleasantly even to Mr. Verdant Green; for,
+although he had not renewed his apple-tree conversation with Miss
+Patty, and was making progress with his "Legend of the Fair
+Margaret," yet - it may possibly have been that the exertion to
+make "dove" rhyme with "love," and "gloom" with "doom," occupied
+his mind to the exclusion of needless sorrow - he contrived to make
+himself mournfully amiable, even if not tolerably happy, in the
+society of the fair enchantress.</p>
+<p>The Honeywood party were indeed a model household; and rode, and
+drove, and walked, and fished, and sketched, as a large family of
+brothers and sisters might do - perhaps with a little more piquancy
+than is generally found in the home-made dish.</p>
+<p>They had had more than one little friendly pic-nic and
+excursion, and had seen Warkworth, and grown excessively
+sentimental in its hermitage; they had lionised Alnwick, and gone
+over its noble castle, and sat in Hotspur's chair, and fallen into
+raptures at the Duchess's bijou of a dairy, and viewed the pillared
+<i>passant</i> lion, with his tail blowing straight out (owing,
+probably, to the breezy nature of his position), and seen the
+Duke's herd of buffaloes tearing along their park with streaming
+manes; and they had gone back to Honeywood Hall, and received
+Honeywood guests, and been entertained by them in return.</p>
+<p>But the squire was now about to give a pic-nic on a large scale;
+and as it was important, not only in its dimensions and
+preparations, but also in bringing about an occurrence that in no
+small degree affected Mr. Verdant Green's future life, it becomes
+his historian's duty to chronicle the event with the fulness that
+it merits. The pic-nic, moreover, deserves mention because it
+possessed an individuality of character, and was unlike the
+ordinary solemnities attending the pic-nics of every-day life.</p>
+<p>In the first place, the party had to reach the appointed spot -
+which was Chillingham - in an unusual manner. At least half of the
+road that had to be traversed was impassable for carriages.
+Bridgeless brooks had to be crossed; and what were called "roads"
+were little better than the beds of mountain torrents, and in wet
+weather might have been taken for such. Deep channels were worn in
+them by the rush of impetuous streams, and no known
+carriage-springs could have lived out such ruts. Carriages,
+therefore, in this part of the country, were out of the question.
+The squire did what was usual on such occasions: he appointed, as a
+rendezvous, a certain little inn at the extremity of the
+carriageable part of the road, and there all the party met, and
+left their chariots and horses. They then - after a little
+preparatory pic-nic, for many of them had come from long distances
+- took possession of certain wagons that were in waiting for
+them.</p>
+<p>These wagons, though apparently of light build, were constructed
+for the country, and were capable of sustaining the severe test of
+the rough roads. Within them were lashed hay-sacks, which, when
+covered with railway rugs, formed sufficiently comfortable seats,
+on which the divisions of the party sat <i>vis-a-vis</i>, like
+omnibus travellers. Frederick Delaval and a few others, on horses
+and ponies, as outriders, accompanied the wagon procession, which
+was by no means deficient in materials for the picturesque. The
+teams of horses were turned out to their best advantage, and
+decorated with flowers. The fore horse of each team bore his collar
+of little brass bells, which clashed out a wild music as they moved
+along. The ruddy-faced wagoners were in their shirt-sleeves, which
+were tied round with ribbons; they had gay ribbons also on their
+hats and whips, and did not lack bouquets and flowers for the
+further adornment of their persons. Altogether they were most
+theatrical-looking fellows, and appeared perfectly prepared to take
+their places in the <i>Sonnambula</i>, or any other opera in which
+decorated rustics have to appear and unanimously shout their joy
+and grief at the nightly rate of two shillings per head. The light
+summer dresses of the ladies helped to make an agreeable variety of
+colour, as the wagons moved slowly along the dark heathery hills,
+now by the side of a brawling brook, and now by a rugged road.</p>
+<p>The joltings of these same roads were, as little Mr. Bouncer
+feelingly remarked, facts that must be felt to be believed. For,
+when the wheel of any vehicle is suddenly plunged into a rut or
+hole of a foot's depth, and from thence violently extracted with a
+jerk, plunge, and wrench, to be again dropped into another hole or
+rut, and withdrawn from thence in a like manner, - and when this
+process is being simultaneously repeated, with discordant
+variations, by other three wheels attached to the self-same
+vehicle, it will follow, as a matter of course, that the result of
+this experiment will be the violent agitation and commingling of
+the movable contents of the said vehicle; and, when these contents
+chance to take the semblance of humanity, it may
+readily be imagined what must have been
+the scene presented to the view as the pic-nic wagons, with their
+human freight, laboured thro' the mountain roads that led towards
+Chillingham.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG's coach party make their way to Chillingham***" src=
+"images/VG260.JPG" /></p>
+<p>But all this only gave a zest to the day's enjoyment; and, if
+Miss Patty Honeywood was unable to maintain her seat without
+assistance from her neighbour, Mr. Verdant Green, it is not at all
+improbable but that she approved of his kind attention, and that
+the other young ladies who were similarly situated accepted similar
+attentions with similar gratitude.</p>
+<p>In this way they literally jogged along to Chillingham, where
+they alighted from their novel carriages and four, and then
+leisurely made their way to the castle. When they had sufficiently
+lionized it, and had strolled through the gardens, they went to
+have a look at the famous wild cattle. Our Warwickshire friends had
+frequently had a distant view of them; for the cattle kept together
+in a herd, and as their park was on the slope of a dark hill, they
+were visible from afar off as a moving white patch on the
+landscape. On the present occasion they found that the cattle,
+which numbered their full herd of about a hundred strong, were
+quietly grazing on the border of their pine-wood, where a few of
+their fellow-tenants, the original red-deer, were lifting their
+enormous antlers. From their position the pic-nic party were unable
+to obtain a very near view of them; but the curiosity of the young
+ladies was strongly excited, and would not be allayed without a
+closer acquaintance with these formidable but beautiful creatures.
+And it therefore happened that, when the courageous Miss Bouncer
+proposed that they should make an incursion into the very territory
+of the Wild Cattle, her proposition was not only seconded, but was
+carried almost unanimously. It was in vain that Mr. Honeywood, and
+the seniors and chaperones of the party, reminded the younger
+people of the grisly head they had just seen hanging up in the
+lodge, and those straight sharp horns that had gored to death the
+brave keeper who had risked his own life to save his master's
+friend; it was in vain that Charles Larkyns, fearful for his Mary's
+sake, quoted the "Bride of Lammermoor," and urged the improbability
+of another Master of Ravenswood starting out of the bushes to the
+rescue of a second Lucy Ashton; it was in vain that anecdotes were
+told of the fury of these cattle - how they would single out some
+aged or wounded companion, and drive him out of the herd until he
+miserably died, and how they would hide themselves for days within
+their dark pine-wood, where no one dare attack them; it was in vain
+that Mr. Verdant Green reminded Miss Patty Honeywood of her narrow
+escape from Mr. Roarer, and warned her that her then danger was now
+increased a hundredfold; all in vain, for Miss Patty assured him
+that the cattle were as peaceable as they were beautiful, and that
+they only attacked people in self-defence when provoked or
+molested. So, as the young ladies were positively bent upon having
+a nearer view of the milk-white herd, the greater number of the
+gentlemen were obliged to accompany them.</p>
+<p>It was no easy matter to get into the Wild Cattle's enclosure,
+as the boundary fence was of unusual height, and the difficulty of
+its being scaled by ladies was proportionately increased.
+Nevertheless, the fence and the difficulty were alike surmounted,
+and the party were safely landed within the park. They had promised
+to obey Mr. Honeywood's advice, and to abstain from that
+mill-stream murmur of conversation in which a party of young ladies
+usually indulge, and to walk quietly among the trees, across an
+angle of the park, at some two or three hundred yards' distance
+from the herd, so as not to unnecessarily attract their attention;
+and then to scale the fence at a point higher up the hill.
+Following this advice, they walked quietly across the mossy grass,
+keeping behind trees, and escaping the notice of the cattle. They
+had reached midway in their proposed path, and, with silent
+admiration, were watching the movements of the herd as they
+placidly grazed at a short distance from them, when Miss Bouncer,
+who was addicted to uncontrollable fits of laughter at improper
+seasons, was so tickled at some <i>sotto voce</i> remark of
+Frederick Delaval's, that she burst into a hearty ringing laugh,
+which, ere she could smother its noise with her handkerchief, had
+startled the watchful ears of the monarch of the herd.</p>
+<p>The Bull raised his magnificent head, and looked round in the
+direction from whence the disturbance had proceeded. As he
+perceived it, he sniffed the air, made a rapid movement with his
+pink-edged ears, and gave an ominous bellow. This signal awoke the
+attention of the other bulls, their wives, and children, who
+simultaneously left off grazing and commenced gazing. The bovine
+monarch gave another bellow, stamped upon the ground, lashed his
+tail, advanced about twenty yards in a threatening manner, and then
+paused, and gazed fixedly upon the pic-nic party and Miss Bouncer,
+who too late regretted her malapropos laugh.</p>
+<p>"For heaven's sake!" whispered Mr. Honeywood, "do not speak; but
+get to the fence as quietly and quickly as you can."</p>
+<p>The young ladies obeyed, and forbore either to scream or faint -
+for the present. The Bull gave another stamp and bellow, and made a
+second advance. This time he came about fifty yards before he
+paused, and he was followed at a short distance, and at a walking
+pace, by the rest of the herd. The ladies retreated quietly, the
+gentlemen came after them, but the park-fence appeared to be at a
+terribly long distance, and it was evident that if the herd made a
+sudden rush upon them, nothing could save them - unless they could
+climb the trees; but this did not seem very practicable. Mr.
+Verdant Green, however, caught at the probability of such need, and
+anxiously looked round for the most likely tree for his
+purpose.</p>
+<p>The Bull had made another advance, and was gaining upon them. It
+seemed curious that he should stand forth as the champion of the
+herd, and do all the roaring and stamping, while the other bulls
+remained mute, and followed with the rest of the herd, yet so it
+was; but there seemed no reason to disbelieve the unpleasant fact
+that the monarch's example would be imitated by his subjects. The
+herd had now drawn so near, and the young ladies had made such a
+comparatively slow retreat, that they were yet many yards' distant
+from the boundary fence, and it was quite plain that they could not
+reach it before the advancing milk-white mass would be hurled
+against them. Some of the young ladies were beginning to feel faint
+and hysterical, and their alarm was more or less shared by all the
+party.</p>
+<p>It was now, by Charles Larkyns's advice, that the more active
+gentlemen mounted on to the lower branches of the wide-spreading
+trees, and, aided by others upon the ground, began to lift up the
+ladies to places of security. But, the party being a large one,
+this caring for its more valued but less athletic members was a
+business that could not be transacted without the expenditure of
+some little time and trouble, more, as it seemed, than could now be
+bestowed; for, the onward movement of the Chillingham Cattle was
+more rapid than the corresponding upward movement of the
+Northumbrian pic-nickers. And, even if Charles Larkyns's plan
+should have a favourable issue, it did not seem a very agreeable
+prospect to be detained up in a tree, with a century of bulls
+bellowing beneath, until casual assistance should arrive; and yet,
+what was this state of affairs when compared with the terrors of
+that impending fate from which, for some of them at least, there
+seemed no escape? Mr. Verdant Green fully realized the horrors of
+this alternative when he looked at Miss Patty Honeywood, who had
+not yet joined those ladies who, clinging fearfully to the boughs,
+and crouching among the branches like roosting guinea-fowls, were
+for the present in comparative safety, and out of the reach of the
+Cattle.</p>
+<p>The monarch of the herd had now come within forty yards'
+distance, and then stopped, lashing his tail and bellowing
+defiance, as he appeared to be preparing for a final rush. Behind
+him, in a dense phalanx, white and terrible, were the rest of the
+herd. Suddenly, and before the Snowy Bull had made his advance,
+Frederick Delaval, to the wondering fear of all, stepped boldly
+forth to meet him. As has been said, he was one of the equestrians
+of the party, and he carried a heavy-handled whip, furnished with a
+long and powerful lash. He wrapped this lash round his hand, and
+walked resolutely towards the Bull, fixing his eyes steadily upon
+him. The Bull chafed angrily, and stamped upon the ground, but did
+not advance. The herd, also, were motionless; but their dark,
+lustrous eyes were centred upon Frederick Delaval's advancing
+figure. The members of the pic-nic party were also watching him
+with intense interest. If they could, they would have prevented his
+purpose; for to all appearance he was about to lose his own life in
+order that the rest of the party might gain time to reach a place
+of safety. The very expectation of this prevented many of the
+ladies availing themselves of the opportunity thus so boldly
+purchased, and they stood transfixed with terror and astonishment,
+breathlessly awaiting the result.</p>
+<p>They watched him draw near the wild white Bull, who stood there
+yet, foaming and stamping up the turf, but not advancing. His huge
+horned head was held erect, and his mane bristled up, as he looked
+upon the adversary who thus dared to brave him. He suffered
+Frederick Delaval to approach him, and only betrayed a
+consciousness of his presence by his heavy snorting, angry lashing
+of the tail, and quick motion of his bright eye. All this time the
+young man had looked the Bull steadfastly in the front, and had
+drawn near him with an equal and steady step. Suppressed screams
+broke from more than one witness of his bravery, when he at length
+stood within a step of his huge adversary. He gazed fixedly into
+the Bull's eyes, and, after a moment's pause, suddenly raised his
+riding-whip, and lashed the animal heavily over the shoulders. The
+Bull tossed round, and roared with fury. The whole herd became
+agitated, and other bulls trotted up to support their monarch.</p>
+<p>Still looking him steadfastly in the eyes, Frederick Delaval
+again raised his heavy whip, and lashed him more severely than
+before. The Wild Bull butted down, swerved round, and dashed out
+with his heels. As he did so, Frederick again struck him heavily
+with the whip, and, at the same time, blew a piercing signal on the
+boatswain's whistle that he usually carried with him. The sudden
+shriek of the whistle appeared to put the <i>coup de grace</i> to
+the young man's bold attack, for the animal had no sooner heard it
+than he tossed up his head and threw forward his ears, as though to
+ask from whence the novel noise proceeded. Frederick Delaval again
+blew a piercing shriek on the whistle; and when the Wild Bull heard
+it, and once more felt the stinging lash of the heavy whip, he
+swerved round, and with a bellow of pain and fury trotted back to
+the herd. The young man blew another shrill whistle, and cracked
+the long lash of his whip until its echoes reverberated like so
+many pistol-shots. The Wild Bull's trot increased to a gallop, and
+he and the whole herd of the Chillingham Cattle dashed rapidly away
+from the pic-nic party, and in a little time were lost to view in
+the recesses of their forest.</p>
+<p>"Thank God!" said Mr. Honeywood; and it was echoed in the hearts
+of all. But the Squire's emotion was too deep for words, as he went
+to meet Frederick Delaval, and pressed him by the hand.</p>
+<p>"Get the women outside the park as quickly as possible," said
+Frederick, "and I will join you."</p>
+<p>But when this was done, and Mr. Honeywood had returned to him,
+he found him lying motionless beneath the tree.</p>
+<a name="ch3.7" id="ch3.7"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents3">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER VII.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN HAS AN INKLING OF THE FUTURE.</h4>
+<p align="center"><img alt="***Image: Gipsy encampment fire***"
+src="images/VG265.JPG" /></p>
+<p>AMONG other things that Mr. Honeywood
+had thoughtfully provided for the pic-nic was a flask of pale
+brandy, which, for its better preservation, he had kept in his own
+pocket. This was fortunate, as it enabled the Squire to make use of
+it for Frederick Delaval's recovery. He had fainted: his
+concentrated courage and resolution had borne him bravely up to a
+certain point, and then his overtaxed energies had given way when
+the necessity for their exertion was removed. When he had come to
+himself, he appeared to be particularly thankful that there had not
+been a spectator of (what he deemed to be) his unpardonable
+foolishness in giving way to a weakness that he considered should
+be indulged in by none other than faint-hearted women; and he
+earnestly begged the Squire to be silent on this little episode in
+the day's adventure.</p>
+<p>When they had left the Wild Cattle's park, and had joined the
+rest of the party, Frederick Delaval received the hearty thanks
+that he so richly deserved; and this, with such an exuberant
+display of feminine gratitude as to lead Mr. Bouncer to observe
+that, if Mr. Delaval chose to take a mean advantage of his
+position, he could have immediately proposed to two-thirds of the
+ladies, without the possibility of their declining his offer: at
+which remark Mr. Verdant Green experienced an uncomfortable
+sensation, as he thought of the probable issue of events if Mr.
+Delaval should partly act upon Mr. Bouncer's suggestion, by
+selecting one young lady - his cousin Patty - and proposing to her.
+This reflection became strengthened into a determination to set the
+matter at rest, decide his doubts, and put an end to his suspense,
+by taking the first opportunity to renew with Miss Patty that most
+interesting apple-tree conversation that had been interrupted by
+Mr. Bouncer at such a critical moment.</p>
+<p>The pic-nic party, broken up into couples and groups, slowly
+made their way up the hill to Ros Castle - the doubly-intrenched
+British fort on the summit - where the dinner was to take place. It
+was a rugged road, running along the side of the park, bounded by
+rocky banks, and shaded by trees. It was tenanted as usual by a Faw
+gang, - a band of gipsies, whose wild and gay attire, with their
+accompaniments of tents, carts, horses, dogs, and fires, added
+picturesqueness to the scene. With the characteristic of their race
+- which appears to be a shrewd mixture of mendicity and mendacity -
+they at once abandoned their business of tinkering and peg-making;
+and, resuming their other business of fortune-telling and begging,
+they judiciously distributed themselves among the various divisions
+of the pic-nic party.</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green was strolling up the hill lost in meditation,
+and so inattentive to the wiles of Miss Eleonora Morkin, and her
+sister Letitia Jane (two fascinating young ladies who were bent
+upon turning the pic-nic to account), that they had left him, and
+had forcibly attached themselves to Mr. Poletiss (a soft young
+gentleman from the neighbourhood of Wooler), when a gipsy woman,
+with a baby at her back and two children at her heels, singled out
+our hero as a not unlikely victim, and began at once to tell his
+fate, dispensing with the aid of stops:-</p>
+<p>"May the heavens rain blessings on your head my pretty gentleman
+give the poor gipsy a piece of silver to buy her a bit for the
+bairns and I can read by the lines in your face my pretty gentleman
+that you're born to ride in a golden coach and wear buckles of
+diemints and that your heart's opening like a flower to help the
+poor gipsy to get her a trifle for her poor famishing bairns that I
+see the tears of pity astanding like pearls in your eyes my pretty
+gentleman and may you never know the want of the shilling that I
+see you're going to give the poor gipsy who will send you all the
+rich blessings of heaven if you will but cross her hand with the
+bright pieces of silver that are not half so bright as the sweet
+eyes of the lady that's awaiting and athinking of you my pretty
+gentleman."</p>
+<p>This unpunctuated exhortation of the dark-eyed prophetess was
+here diverted into a new channel by the arrival of Miss Patty
+Honeywood, who had left her cousin Frank, and had brought her
+sketch-book to the spot where "the pretty gentleman" and the
+fortune-teller were standing,</p>
+<p>"I do so want to draw a real gipsy," she said. "I have never yet
+sketched one; and this is a good opportunity. These little brownies
+of children, with their Italian faces and hair, are very
+picturesque in their rags."</p>
+<p>"Oh! do draw them!" said Verdant enthusiastically, as he
+perceived that the rest of the party had passed out of sight. "It
+is a capital opportunity, and I dare say they will have no
+objection to be sketched."</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Miss Patty Honeywood and Gipsy children***" src=
+"images/VG267.JPG" /></p>
+<p>"May the heavens be the hardest bed you'll ever have to lie on
+my pretty rosebud," said the unpunctuating descendant of John Faa,
+as she addressed herself to Miss Patty; "and you're welcome to take
+the poor gipsy's pictur[e] and to cross her hand
+with the shining silver while she reads
+the stars and picks you out a prince of a husband and twelve pretty
+bairns like the" -</p>
+<p>"No, no!" said Miss Patty, checking the gipsy in her bounteous
+promises. "I'll give you something for letting me sketch you, but I
+won't have my fortune told. I know it already; at least as much as
+I care to know." A speech which Mr. Verdant Green interpreted thus:
+Frederick Delaval has proposed, and has been accepted.</p>
+<p>"Pray don't let me keep you from the rest of the party," said
+Miss Patty to our hero, while the gipsy shot out fragments of
+persuasive oratory. "I can get on very well by myself."</p>
+<p>"She wants to get rid of me," thought Verdant. "I dare say her
+cousin is coming back to her." But he said, "At any rate let me
+stay until Mr. Delaval rejoins you."</p>
+<p>"Oh! he is gone on with the rest, like a polite man. The Miss
+Maxwells and their cousins were all by themselves."</p>
+<p>"But <i>you</i> are all by <i>yourself</i>" and, by your own
+showing, I ought to prove my politeness by staying with you."</p>
+<p>"I suppose that is Oxford logic," said Miss Patty, as she went
+on with her sketch of the two gipsy children. "I wish these small
+persons would stand quiet. Put your hands on your stick, my boy,
+and not before your face. - But there are the Miss Morkins, with
+one gentleman for the two; and I dare say you would much rather be
+with Miss Eleonora. Now, wouldn't you?" and the young lady, as she
+rapidly sketched the figures before her, stole a sly look at the
+enamoured gentleman by her side, who forthwith protested, in an
+excited and confused manner, that he would rather stand near her
+for one minute than walk and talk for a whole day with the Miss
+Morkins; and then, having made this (for him) unusually strong
+avowal, he timidly blushed, and retired within himself.</p>
+<p>"Oh yes! I dare say," said Miss Patty; "but I don't believe in
+compliments. If you choose to victimize yourself by staying here,
+of course you can do so. - Look at me, little girl; you needn't be
+frightened; I shan't eat you. - And perhaps you can be useful. I
+want some water to wash-in these figures; and if they were
+literally washed in it, it would be very much to their advantage,
+wouldn't it?"</p>
+<p>Of course it would; and of course Mr. Verdant Green was
+delighted to obey the command. "What spirits she is in!" he
+thought, as he dipped the little can of water into the spring. "I
+dare say it is because she and her cousin Frederick have come to an
+understanding."</p>
+<p>"If you are anxious to hear a fortune told," said Miss Patty,
+"here is the old gipsy coming back to us, and you had better let
+her tell yours."</p>
+<p>"I am afraid that I know it."</p>
+<p>"And do you like the prospect of it?"</p>
+<p>"Not at all!" and as he said this Mr. Verdant Green's
+countenance fell. Singularly enough, a shade of sadness also stole
+over Miss Patty's sunny face. What could he mean?</p>
+<p>A somewhat disagreeable silence was broken by the gipsy most
+volubly echoing Miss Patty's request.</p>
+<p>"You had better let her tell you your fortune," said the young
+lady; "perhaps it may be an improvement on what you expected. And I
+shall be able to make a better sketch of her in her true character
+of a fortune-teller."</p>
+<p>Then, like as Martivalle inspected Quentin Durward's palm,
+according to the form of the mystic arts which he practised, so the
+swarthy prophetess opened her Book of Fate, and favoured Mr.
+Verdant Green with choice extracts from its contents. First, she
+told the pretty gentleman a long rigmarole about the stars, and a
+planet that ought to have shone upon him, but didn't. Then she
+discoursed of a beautiful young lady, with a heart as full of love
+as a pomegranate was full of seeds, - painting, in pretty exact
+colours, a lively portraiture of Miss Patty, which was no very
+difficult task, while the fair original was close at hand;
+nevertheless, the infatuated pretty gentleman was deeply impressed
+with the gipsy narrative, and began to think that the practice and
+knowledge of the occult sciences may, after all, have been handed
+down to the modern representatives of the ancient Egyptians. He was
+still further impressed with this belief when the gipsy proceeded
+to tell him that he was passionately attached to the
+pomegranate-hearted young lady, but that his path of true love was
+crossed by a rival - a dark man.</p>
+<p>Frederick Delaval! This is really most extraordinary! thought
+Mr. Verdant Green, who was not familiar with a fortune-teller's
+stock in trade; and he waited with some anxiety for the further
+unravelling of his fate.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG and Gipsy woman fortune-teller***" src=
+"images/VG269.JPG" /></p>
+<p>The cunning gipsy saw this, and broadly hinted that another
+piece of silver placed upon the junction of two cross lines in the
+pretty gentleman's right palm would
+materially propitiate the stars, and assist in the happy solution
+of his fortune. When the hint had been taken she pursued her
+romantic narrative. Her elaborate but discursive summing-up
+comprehended the triumph of Mr. Verdant Green, the defeat of the
+dark man, the marriage of the former to the pomegranate-hearted
+young lady, a yellow carriage and four white horses with long
+tails, and, last but certainly not least, a family of twelve
+children: at which childish termination Miss Patty laughed, and
+asked our hero if that was the fate that he had dreaded?</p>
+<p>Her sketch being concluded, she remunerated her models so
+munificently as to draw down upon her head a rapid series of the
+most wordy and incoherent blessings she had ever heard, under cover
+of which she effected her escape, and proceeded with her companion
+to rejoin the others. They were not very far in advance. The
+gipsies had beset them at divers points in their progress, and had
+made no small number of them yield to their importunities to cross
+their hands with silver. When the various members of the pic-nic
+party afterwards came to compare notes as to the fortunes that had
+been told them, it was discovered that a remarkable similarity
+pervaded the fates of all, though their destinies were greatly
+influenced by the amount expended in crossing the hand; and it was
+observable that the number of children promised to bless the
+nuptial tie was also regulated by a sliding-scale of payment - the
+largest payers being rewarded with the assurance of the largest
+families. It was also discovered that the description of the
+favoured lover was invariably the verbal delineation of the lady or
+gentleman who chanced to be at that time walking with the person
+whose fortune was being told - a prophetic discrimination worthy of
+all praise, since it had the pretty good security of being correct
+in more than one case, and in the other cases there was the chance
+of the prophecy coming true, however improbable present events
+would appear. Thus, Miss Eleonora Morkin received, and was
+perfectly satisfied with, a description of Mr. Poletiss; while Miss
+Letitia Jane Morkin was made supremely happy with a promise of a
+similarly-described gentleman; until the two sisters had compared
+notes, when they discovered that the same husband had been promised
+to both of them - which by no means improved their sororal
+amiability.</p>
+<p>As Verdant walked up the hill with Miss Patty, he thought very
+seriously on his feelings towards her, and pondered what might be
+the nature of her feelings in regard to him. He believed that she
+was engaged to her cousin Frederick. All her little looks, and
+acts, and words to himself, he could construe as the mere tokens of
+the friendship of a warm-hearted girl. If she was inclined to a
+little flirtation, there was then an additional reason for her
+notice of him. Then he thought that she was of far too noble a
+disposition to lead him on to a love which she could not, or might
+not wish to, return; and that she would not have said and done many
+little things that he fondly recalled, unless she had chosen to
+show him that he was dearer to her than a mere friend. Having
+ascended to the heights of happiness by this thought, Verdant
+immediately plunged from thence into the depths of misery, by
+calling to mind various other little things that she had said and
+done in connection with her cousin; and he again forced himself
+into the conviction that in Frederick Delaval he had a rival, and,
+what was more, a successful one. He determined, before the day was
+over, to end his tortures of suspense by putting to Miss Patty the
+plain question whether or no she was engaged to her cousin, and to
+trust to her kindness to forgive the question if it was an
+impertinent one. He was unable to do this for the present, partly
+from lack of courage, and partly from the too close neighbourhood
+of others of the party; but he concocted several sentences that
+seemed to him to be admirably adapted to bring about the desired
+result.</p>
+<p>"How abstracted you are!" said Miss Patty to him rather
+abruptly. "Why don't you make yourself agreeable? For the last
+three minutes you have not taken your eyes off Kitty." (She was
+walking just before them, with her cousin Frederick.) "What were
+you thinking about?"</p>
+<p>Perhaps it was that he was suddenly roused from deep thought,
+and had no time to frame an evasive reply; but at any rate Mr.
+Verdant Green answered, "I was thinking that Mr. Delaval had
+proposed, and had been accepted." And then he was frightened at
+what he had said; for Miss Patty looked confused and surprised. "I
+see that it is so," he sighed, and his heart sank within him."</p>
+<p>"How did you find it out?" she replied. "It is a secret for the
+present; and we do not wish any one to know of it."</p>
+<p>"My dear Patty," said Frederick Delaval, who had waited for them
+to come up, "wherever have you been? We thought the gipsies had
+stolen you. I am dying to tell you my fortune. I was with Miss
+Maxwell at the time, and the old woman described her to me as my
+future wife. The fortune-teller was slightly on the wrong tack,
+wasn't she?" So Frederick Delaval and the Misses Honeywood laughed;
+and Mr. Verdant Green also laughed in a very savage manner; and
+they all seemed to think it a very capital joke, and walked on
+together in very capital spirits.</p>
+<p>"My last hope is gone!" thought Verdant. "I have now heard my
+fate from her own lips."</p>
+<a name="ch3.8" id="ch3.8"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents3">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER VIII.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN CROSSES THE RUBICON.</h4>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Two members of the pic-nic party at Ros Castle***" src=
+"images/VG271.JPG" /></p>
+<p>THE pic-nic dinner was laid near to the
+brow of the hill of Ros Castle, on the shady side of the park wall.
+In this cool retreat, with the thick summer foliage to screen them
+from the hot sun, they could feast undisturbed either by the Wild
+Cattle or the noon-day glare, and drink in draughts of beauty from
+the wide-spread landscape before them.</p>
+<p>The hill on which they were seated was broken up into the most
+picturesque undulations; here, the rock cropped out from the mossy
+turf; there, the blaeberries (the bilberries of more southern
+counties) clustered in myrtle-like bushes. The intrenched hill
+sloped down to a rich plain, spreading out for many miles,
+traversed by the great north road, and dotted over with hamlets.
+Then came a brown belt of sand, and a broken white line of
+breakers; and then the sea, flecked with crested waves, and sails
+that glimmered in the dreamy distance. Holy Island was also in
+sight, together with the rugged Castle of Bamborough, and the
+picturesque groups of the Staple and the Farn Islands, covered with
+sea-birds, and circled with pearls of foam.</p>
+<p>The immediate foreground presented a very cheering prospect to
+hungry folks. The snowy table-cloth - held down upon the grass by
+fragments of rock against the surprise of high winds - was dappled
+over with loins of lamb, and lobster salads, and pigeon-pies, and
+veal cakes, and grouse, and game, and ducks, and cold fowls, and
+ruddy hams, and helpless tongues, and cool cucumbers, and pickled
+salmon, and roast-beef of old England, and oyster patties, and
+venison pasties, and all sorts of pastries, and jellies, and
+custards, and ice: to say nothing of piles of peaches, and
+nectarines, and grapes, and melons, and pines. Everything had been
+remembered - even the salt, and the knives and forks, which are
+usually forgotten at <i>alfresco</i> entertainments. All this was
+very cheering, and suggestive of enjoyment and creature comforts.
+Wines and humbler liquids stood around; and, for the especial
+delectation of the ladies, a goodly supply of champagne lay cooling
+itself in some ice-pails, under the tilt of the cart that had
+brought it. This cart-tilt, draped over with loose sacking, formed
+a very good imitation of a gipsy tent, that did not in the least
+detract from the rusticity of the scene, more especially as close
+behind it was burning a gipsy fire, surmounted by a triple gibbet,
+on which hung a kettle, melodious even then, and singing through
+its swan-like neck an intimation of its readiness to aid, at a
+moment's notice, in the manufacture of whisky-toddy.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. Bouncer at the pic-nic seated on the ground 'with legs in the shape of the letter V inverted'***"
+src="images/VG272.JPG" /></p>
+<p>The dinner was a very merry affair. The gentlemen vied with the
+servants in attending to the wants of the ladies, and
+were assiduous in the duties of cutting
+and carving; while the sharp popping of the champagne, and the
+heavier artillery of the pale ale and porter bottles, made a
+pleasant fusillade. Little Mr. Bouncer was especially deserving of
+notice. He sat with his legs in the shape of the letter V inverted,
+his legs being forced to retain their position from the fact of
+three dishes of various dimensions being arranged between them in a
+diminuendo passage. These three dishes he vigorously attacked, not
+only on his own account, but also on behalf of his neighbours, more
+especially Miss Fanny Green, who reclined by his side in an
+oriental posture, and made a table of her lap. The disposition of
+the rest of the <i>dramatis personae</i> was also noticeable, as
+also their positions - their sitting <i>a la</i> Turk or tailor,
+and their <i>degages</i> attitudes and costumes. Charles Larkyns
+had got by Mary Green; Mr. Poletiss was placed, sandwich-like,
+between the two Miss Morkins, who were both making love to him at
+once; Frederick Delaval was sitting in a similar fashion between
+the two Miss Honeywoods, who were not, however, both making love to
+him at once; and on the other side of Miss Patty was Mr. Verdant
+Green. The infatuated young man could not drag himself away from
+his conqueror. Although, from her own confession, he had learnt
+what he had many times suspected - that Frederick Delaval had
+proposed and had been accepted - yet he still felt a pleasure in
+burning his wings and fluttering round his light of love. "An
+affection of the heart cannot be cured at a moment's notice,"
+thought Verdant; "to-morrow I will endeavour to begin the task of
+forgetting - to-day, remembrance is too recent; besides, every one
+is expected to enjoy himself at a pic-nic, and I must appear to do
+the same."</p>
+<p>But it did not seem as though Miss Patty had any intention of
+allowing those in her immediate vicinity to betake themselves to
+the dismals, or to the produce of wet-blankets, for she was in the
+very highest spirits, and insisted, as it were, that those around
+her should catch the contagion of her cheerfulness. And it
+accordingly happened that Mr. Verdant Green seemed to be as merry
+as was old King Cole, and laughed and talked as though black care
+was anywhere else than between himself and Miss Patty
+Honeywood.</p>
+<p>Close behind Miss Patty was the gipsy-tent-looking cart-tilt;
+and when the dinner was over, and there was a slight change of
+places, while the fragments were being cleared away and the dessert
+and wine were being placed on the table - that is to say, the cloth
+- Miss Patty, under pretence of escaping from a ray of sunshine
+that had pierced the trees and found its way to her face, retreated
+a yard or so, and crouched beneath the pseudo gipsy-tent. And what
+so natural but that Mr. Verdant Green should also find the sun
+disagreeable, and should follow his light of love, to burn his
+wings a little more, and flutter round her fascinations? At any
+rate, whether natural or no, Verdant also drew back a yard or so,
+and found himself half within the cart-tilt, and very close to Miss
+Patty.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: The pic-nickers in conversation***" src=
+"images/VG274.JPG" /></p>
+<p>The pic-nic party were stretched at their ease upon the grass,
+drinking wine, munching fruit, talking, laughing, and flirting,
+with the blue sea before them and the bluer sky above them, when
+said the squire in heroic strain, "Song alone is wanting to crown
+our feast! Charles Larkyns, you have not only the face of a singer,
+but, as we all know, you have the voice of one. I therefore call
+upon you to set our minstrels an example; and, as a propitiatory
+measure, I beg to propose your health,
+with eulogistic thanks for the song you are about to sing!" Which
+was unanimously seconded amid laughter and cheers; and the pop of
+the champagne bottles gave Charles Larkyns the key-note for his
+song. It was suited to the occasion (perhaps it was composed for
+it?), being a paean for a pic-nic, and it stated (in chorus)-</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"Then these aids to success</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Should a pic-nic possess</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>For the cup of its joy to be brimming:</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Three things there should shine</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Fair, agreeable, and fine-</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>The Weather, the Wine, and the Women!"</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>A rule of pic-nics which, if properly worked out, could not fail
+to answer.</p>
+<p>Other songs followed; and Mr. Poletiss, being a young gentleman
+of a meek appearance and still meeker voice, lyrically informed the
+company that "Oh! he was a pirate bold, The scourge of the wide,
+wide sea, With a murd'rous thirst for gold, And a life that was
+wild and free!" And when Mr. Poletiss arrived at this point, he
+repeated the last word two or three times over - just as if he had
+been King George the Third visiting Whitbread's Brewery-</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"Grains, grains!" said majesty, "to fill their crops?</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Grains, grains! that comes from hops - yes, hops, hops,
+hops!"</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>So Mr. Poletiss sang, "And a life that was wild and free, free,
+free, And a life that was wild and free." To this charming lyric
+there was a chorus of, "Then hurrah for the pirate bold, And hurrah
+for the rover wild, And hurrah for the yellow gold, And hurrah for
+the ocean's child!" the mild enunciation of which highly moral and
+appropriate chant appeared to give Mr. Poletiss great satisfaction,
+as he turned his half-shut eyes to the sky, and fashioned his mouth
+into a smile. Mr. Bouncer's love for a chorus was conspicuously
+displayed on this occasion; and Miss Eleonora and Miss Letitia Jane
+Morkin added their feeble trebles to the hurrahs with which Mr.
+Poletiss, in his George the Third fashion, meekly hailed the
+advantages to be derived from a pirate's career.</p>
+<p>But what was Mr. Verdant Green doing all this time? The sunbeam
+had pursued him, and proved so annoying that he had found it
+necessary to withdraw altogether into the shade of the pseudo
+gipsy-tent. Miss Patty Honeywood had made such room for him that
+she was entirely hidden from the rest of the party by the rude
+drapery of the tent. By the time that Mr. Poletiss had commenced
+his piratical song, Miss Patty and Verdant were deep in a whispered
+conversation. It was she who had started the conversation, and it
+was about the gipsy and her fortune-telling.</p>
+<p>Just when Mr. Poletiss had given his first imitation of King
+George, and was mildly plunging into his hurrah chorus, Mr. Verdant
+Green - whose timidity, fears, and depression of spirits had
+somewhat been dispelled and alleviated by the allied powers of Miss
+Patty and the champagne - was speaking thus: "And do you really
+think that she was only inventing, and that the dark man she spoke
+of was a creature of her own imagination?"</p>
+<p>"Of course!" answered Miss Patty; "you surely don't believe that
+she could have meant any one in particular, either in the
+gentleman's case or in the lady's?"</p>
+<p>"But, in the lady's, she evidently described <i>you</i>."</p>
+<p>"Very likely! just as she would have described any other young
+lady who might have chanced to be with you: Miss Morkin, for
+example. The gipsy knew her trade."</p>
+<p>"Many true words are spoken in jest. Perhaps it was not
+altogether idly that she spoke; perhaps I <i>did</i> care for the
+lady she described."</p>
+<p>The sunbeam must surely have penetrated through the tent's
+coarse covering, for both Miss Patty and Mr. Verdant Green were
+becoming very hot - hotter even than they had been under the
+apple-tree in the orchard. Mr. Poletiss was all this time giving
+his imitations of George the Third, and lyrically expressing his
+opinion as to the advantages to be derived from the profession of a
+pirate; and, as his song was almost as long as "Chevy Chase," and
+mainly consisted of a chorus, which was energetically led by Mr.
+Bouncer, there was noise enough made to drown any whispered
+conversation in the pseudo gipsy-tent.</p>
+<p>"But," continued Verdant, "perhaps the lady she described did
+not care for me, or she would not have given all her love to the
+dark man."</p>
+<p>"I think," faltered Miss Patty, "the gipsy seemed to say that
+the lady preferred the light man. But you do not believe what she
+told you?"</p>
+<p>"I would have done so a few days ago - if it had been repeated
+by you."</p>
+<p>"I scarcely know what you mean."</p>
+<p>"Until to-day I had hoped. It seems that I have built my hopes
+on a false foundation, and one word of yours has crumbled them into
+the dust!"</p>
+<p>This pretty sentence embodied an idea that he had stolen from
+his own <i>Legend of the Fair Margaret</i>. He felt so much pride
+in his property that, as Miss Patty looked slightly bewildered and
+remained speechless, he reiterated the little quotation
+about his crumbling hopes.</p>
+<p>"Whatever can I have done," said the young lady, with a smile,
+"to cause such a ruin?"</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG and Miss Patty Honeywood in the 'pseudo Gipsy-tent'***"
+src="images/VG276.JPG" /></p>
+<p>"It caused you no pain to utter the words," replied Verdant;
+"and why should it? but, to me, they tolled the knell of my
+happiness." (This was another quotation from his
+<i>Legend.</i>)</p>
+<p>"Then hurrah for the pirate bold. And hurrah for the rover
+wild!" sang the meek Mr. Poletiss.</p>
+<p>Miss Patty Honeywood began to suspect that Mr. Verdant Green had
+taken too much champagne!</p>
+<p>"What <i>do</i> you mean?" she said. "Whatever have I said or
+done to you that you make use of such remarkable expressions?"</p>
+<p>"And hurrah for the yellow gold, And hurrah for the ocean's
+child!" chorussed Messrs. Poletiss, Bouncer, and Co.</p>
+<p>Looking as sentimental as his spectacles would allow, Mr.
+Verdant Green replied in verse -</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>" 'Hopes that once we've loved to cherish</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>May fade and droop, but never perish!'</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>as Shakespeare says." (Although he modestly attributed this
+sentiment to the Swan of Avon, it was, nevertheless, another
+quotation from his own <i>Legend</i>.) "And it is my case. <i>I</i>
+cannot forget the Past, though <i>you</i> may!"</p>
+<p>"Really you are as enigmatical as the Sphinx!" said Miss Patty,
+who again thought of Mr. Verdant Green in connection with
+champagne. "Pray condescend to speak more plainly, for I was never
+clever at finding out riddles."</p>
+<p>"And have you forgotten what you said to me, in reply to a
+question that I asked you, as we came up the hill?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, I have quite forgotten. I dare say I said many foolish
+things; but what was the particular foolish thing that so dwells on
+your mind?"</p>
+<p>"If it is so soon forgotten, it is not worth repeating."</p>
+<p>"Oh, it is! Pray gratify my curiosity. I am sorry my bad memory
+should have given you any pain."</p>
+<p>"It was not your bad memory, but your words."</p>
+<p>"My bad words?"</p>
+<p>"No, not bad; but words that shut out a bright future, and
+changed my life to gloom." (The <i>Legend</i> again.)</p>
+<p>Miss Patty looked more perplexed than ever; while Mr. Poletiss
+politely filled up the gap of silence with an imitation of King
+George the Third.</p>
+<p>"I really do not know what you mean," said Miss Patty. "If I
+have said or done anything that has caused you pain, I can assure
+you it was quite unwittingly on my part, and I am very sorry for
+it; but, if you will tell me what it was, perhaps I may be able to
+explain it away, and disabuse your mind of a false impression."</p>
+<p>"I am quite sure that you did not intend to pain me," replied
+Verdant; "and I know that it was presumptuous in me to think as I
+did. It was scarcely probable that you would feel as I felt; and I
+ought to have made up my mind to it, and have borne my sufferings
+with a patient heart." (The <i>Legend</i> again!) "And yet when the
+shock <i>does</i> come, it is very hard to be borne."</p>
+<p>Miss Patty's bright eyes were dilated with wonder, and she again
+thought of Mr. Verdant Green in connection with champagne. Mr.
+Poletiss was still taking his pirate through all sorts of flats and
+sharps, and chromatic imitations of King George.</p>
+<p>"But, what <i>is</i> this shock?" asked Miss Patty. "Perhaps I
+can relieve it; and I ought to do so if it came through my
+means."</p>
+<p>"You cannot help me," said Verdant. "My suspicions were
+confirmed by your words, and they have sealed my fate."</p>
+<p>"But you have not yet told me what those words were, and I must
+really insist upon knowing," said Miss Patty, who had begun to look
+very seriously perplexed.</p>
+<p>"And, can you have forgotten!" was the reply. "Do you not
+remember, that, as we came up the hill, I put a certain question to
+you about Mr. Delaval having proposed and having been
+accepted?"</p>
+<p>"Yes! I remember it very well! And, what then?"</p>
+<p>"And, what then!" echoed Mr. Verdant Green, in the greatest
+wonder at the young lady's calmness; "what then! why, when you told
+me that he <i>had</i> been accepted, was not that sufficient for me
+to know? - to know that all my love had been given to one who was
+another's, and that all my hopes were blighted! was not this
+sufficient to crush me, and to change the colour of my life?" And
+Verdant's face showed that, though he might be quoting from his
+<i>Legend</i>, he was yet speaking from his heart.</p>
+<p>"Oh! I little expected this!" faltered Miss Patty, in real
+grief; "I little thought of this. Why did you not speak sooner to
+some one - to me, for instance - and have spared yourself this
+misery? If you had been earlier made acquainted with Frederick's
+attachment, you might then have checked your own. I did not ever
+dream of this!" And Miss Patty, who had turned pale, and trembled
+with agitation, could not restrain a tear.</p>
+<p>"It is very kind of you thus to feel for me!" said Verdant; "and
+all I ask is, that you will still remain my friend."</p>
+<p>"Indeed, I will. And I am sure Kitty will always wish to be the
+same. She will be sadly grieved to hear of this; for, I can assure
+you that she had no suspicion you were attached to her."</p>
+<p>"Attached to HER!" cried Verdant, with vast surprise. "What ever
+do you mean?"</p>
+<p>"Have you not been telling me of your secret love for her?"
+answered Miss Patty, who again turned her thoughts to the
+champagne.</p>
+<p>"Love for <i>her</i>? No! nothing of the kind."</p>
+<p>"What! and not spoken about your grief when I told you that
+Frederick Delaval had proposed to her, and had been accepted?"</p>
+<p>"Proposed to <i>her</i>?" cried Verdant, in a kind of dreamy
+swoon.</p>
+<p>"Yes! to whom else do you suppose he would propose?"</p>
+<p>"To <i>you</i>!"</p>
+<p>"To ME!"</p>
+<p>"Yes, to you! Why, have you not been telling me that you were
+engaged to him?"</p>
+<p>"Telling you that <i>I</i> was engaged to Fred!" rejoined Miss
+Patty. "Why, what could put such an idea into your head? Fred is
+engaged to Kitty. You asked me if it was not so; and I told you,
+yes, but that it was a secret at present. Why, then of whom were
+<i>you</i> talking?"</p>
+<p>"Of <i>you</i>!"</p>
+<p>"Of <i>me</i>?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, of you!" And the scales fell from the eyes of both, and
+they saw their mutual mistake.</p>
+<p>There was a silence, which Verdant was the first to break.</p>
+<p>"It seems that love is really blind. I now perceive how we have
+been playing at cross questions and crooked answers. When I asked
+you about Mr. Delaval, my thoughts were wholly of you, and I spoke
+of you, and not of your sister, as you imagined; and I fancied that
+you answered not for your sister, but for yourself. When I spoke of
+my attachment, it did not refer to your sister, but to you."</p>
+<p>"To me?" softly said Miss Patty, as a delicious tremor stole
+over her.</p>
+<p>"To you, and to you alone," answered Verdant. The great
+stumbling-block of his doubts was now removed, and his way lay
+clear before him. Then, after a momentary pause to nerve his
+determination, and without further prelude, or beating about the
+bush, he said, "Patty - my dear Miss Honeywood - I love you! do you
+love me?"</p>
+<p>There it was at last! The dreaded question over which he had
+passed so many hours of thought, was at length spoken. The
+elaborate sentences that he had devised for its introduction, had
+all been forgotten; and his artificial flowers of oratory had been
+exchanged for those simpler blossoms of honesty and truth - "I love
+you - do you love me?" He had imagined that he should put the
+question to her when they were alone in some quiet room; or, better
+still, when they were wandering together in some sequestered garden
+walk or shady lane; and, now, here he had unexpectedly, and
+undesignedly, found his opportunity at a pic-nic dinner, with half
+a hundred people close beside him, and his ears assaulted with a
+songster's praises of piracy and murder. Strange accompaniments to
+a declaration of the tender passion! But, like others before him,
+he had found that there was no such privacy as that of a crowd -
+the fear of interruption probably adding a spur to determination,
+while the laughter and busy talking of others assist to fill up
+awkward pauses of agitation in the converse of the loving
+couple.</p>
+<p>Despite the heat, Miss Patty's cheeks paled for a moment, as
+Verdant put to her that question, "Do you love me?" Then a deep
+blush stole over them, as she whispered "I do."</p>
+<p>What need for more? what need for pressure of hands or lips, and
+vows of love and constancy? What need even for the elder and more
+desperate of the Miss Morkins to maliciously suggest that Mr.
+Poletiss - who had concluded, amid a great display of approbation
+(probably because it <i>was</i> concluded) his mild piratical
+chant, and his imitations of King George the Third - should call
+upon Mr. Verdant Green, who, as she understood, was a very good
+singer? "And, dear me! where could he have gone to, when he was
+here just now, you know! and, good gracious! why there he was,
+under the cart-tilt - and well, I never was so surprised - Miss
+Martha Honeywood with him, flirting now, I dare say? shouldn't you
+think so?"</p>
+<p>No need for this stroke of generalship! No need for Miss Letitia
+Jane Morkin to prompt Miss Fanny Green to bring her brother out of
+his retirement. No need for Mr. Frederick Delaval to say "I thought
+you were never going to slip from your moorings!" Or for little Mr.
+Bouncer to cry, "Yoicks! unearthed at last!" No need for anything,
+save the parental sanction to the newly-formed engagement. Mr.
+Verdant Green had proposed, and had been accepted; and Miss Patty
+Honeywood could exclaim with Schiller's heroine, "Ich habe gelebt
+und geliebet! - I have lived, and have loved!"</p>
+<a name="ch3.9" id="ch3.9"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents3">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER IX.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN ASKS PAPA.</h4>
+<p align="center"><img alt="***Image: Miss Morkin asleep in bed***"
+src="images/VG280.JPG" /></p>
+<p>MISS MORKIN met with her reward before
+many hours. The pic-nic party were on their way home, and had
+reached within a short distance of the inn where their wagons had
+to be exchanged for carriages. It has been mentioned that, among
+the difficulties of the way, they had to drive through bridgeless
+brooks; and one of these was not half-a-mile distant from the
+inn.</p>
+<p>It happened that the mild Mr. Poletiss was seated at the tail
+end of the wagon, next to the fair Miss Morkin, who was laying
+violent siege to him, with a battery of words, if not of charms. If
+the position of Mr. Poletiss, as to deliverance from his fair foe,
+was a difficult one, his position, as to maintaining his seat
+during the violent throes and tossings to and fro of the wagon, was
+even more difficult; for Mr. Poletiss's mildness of voice was
+surpassed by his mildness of manner, and he was far too timid to
+grasp at the side of the wagon by placing his arm behind the fair
+Miss Morkin, lest it should be supposed that he was assuming the
+privileged position of a partner in a <i>valse</i>. Mr. Poletiss,
+therefore, whenever they jolted through ruts or brooks, held on to
+his hay hassock, and preserved his equilibrium as best he
+could.</p>
+<p>On the same side of the wagon, but at its upper and safer end,
+was seated Mr. Bouncer, who was not slow to perceive that a very
+slight <i>accident</i> would destroy Mr. Poletiss's equilibrium;
+and the little gentleman's fertile brain speedily concocted a plan,
+which he forthwith communicated to Miss Fanny Green, who sat next
+to him. It was this:- that when they were plunging through the
+brook, and every one was swaying to and fro, and was thrown off
+their balance, Mr. Bouncer should take advantage of the critical
+moment, and (by accident, of course!) give Miss Fanny Green a heavy
+push; this would drive her against her next neighbour, Miss Patty
+Honeywood; who, from the recoil, would literally be precipitated
+into the arms of Mr. Verdant Green, who would be pushed against
+Miss Letitia Jane Morkin, who would be driven against her sister,
+who would be propelled against Mr. Poletiss, and thus give him that
+<i>coup de grace</i>, which, as Mr. Bouncer hoped, would have the
+effect of quietly tumbling him out of the wagon, and partially
+ducking him in the brook. "It won't hurt him," said the little
+gentleman; "it'll do him good. The brook ain't deep, and a bath
+will be pleasant such a day as this. He can dry his clothes at the
+inn, and get some steaming toddy, if he's afraid of catching cold.
+And it will be such a lark to see him in the water. Perhaps Miss
+Morkin will take a header, and plunge in to save him; and he will
+promise her his hand, and a medal from the Humane Society! The
+wagon will be sure to give a heavy lurch as we come up out of the
+brook, and what so natural as that we should all be jolted, against
+each other?" It is not necessary to state whether or no Miss Fanny
+Green seconded or opposed Mr. Bouncer's motion; suffice it to say
+that it was carried out.</p>
+<p>They had reached the brook. Miss Morkin was exclaiming, "Oh,
+dear! here's another of those dreadful brooks - the last, I hope,
+for I always feel so timid at water, and I never bathe at the
+sea-side without shutting my eyes and being pushed into it by the
+old woman - and, my goodness! here we are, and I feel convinced
+that we shall all be thrown in by those dreadful wagoners, who are
+quite tipsy I'm sure - don't you think so, Mr. Poletiss?"</p>
+<p>But, ere Mr. Poletiss could meekly respond, the horses had been
+quickened into a trot, the wagon had gone down into the brook -
+through it - and was bounding up the opposite side - everybody was
+holding tightly to anything that came nearest to hand - when, at
+that fatal moment, little Mr. Bouncer gave the preconcerted push,
+which was passed on, unpremeditatedly, from one to another, until
+it had gained its electrical climax in the person of Miss Morkin,
+who, with a shriek, was propelled against Mr. Poletiss, and gave
+the necessary momentum that toppled him from the wagon into the
+brook. But, dreadful to relate, Mr. Bouncer's practical joke did
+not terminate at this fixed point. Mr. Poletiss, in the suddenness
+of his fall, naturally struck out at any straw that might save him;
+and the straw that he caught was the dress of Miss Morkin. She
+being at that moment off her balance, and the wagon moving rapidly
+at an angle of 45&deg;, was unable to save herself from following
+the example of Mr. Poletiss, and she also toppled over into the
+brook. A third victim would have been added to Mr. Bouncer's list,
+had not Mr. Verdant Green, with considerable presence of mind,
+plucked Miss Letitia Jane Morkin from the violent hands that her
+sister was laying upon her, in making the same endeavours after
+safety that had been so futilely employed by the luckless Mr.
+Poletiss.</p>
+<p>No sooner had he fallen with a splash into the brook, than Miss
+Eleonora Morkin was not only after but upon him. This was so far
+fortunate for the lady, that it released her with only a partial
+wetting, and she speedily rolled from off her submerged companion
+on to the shore; but it rendered the ducking of Mr. Poletiss a more
+complete one, and he scrambled from the brook, dripping and heavy
+with wet, like an old ewe emerging from a sheep-shearing tank. The
+wagon had been immediately stopped, and Mr. Bouncer and the other
+gentlemen had at once sprung down to Miss Morkin's assistance.
+Being thus surrounded by a male bodyguard,
+the young lady could do no less than go into hysterics, and fall
+into the nearest gentleman's arms, and as this gentleman was little
+Mr. Bouncer he was partially punished for his practical joke.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Miss Eleanor Morkin falls into the nearest gentleman's hands after her ducking in the stream***"
+src="images/VG282.JPG" /></p>
+<p>Indeed, he afterwards declared that a severe cold which troubled
+him for the next fortnight was attributable to his having held in
+his arms the damp form of the dishevelled naiad. On her recovery -
+which was effected by Mr. Bouncer giving way under his burden, and
+lowering it to the ground - she utterly refused to be again carried
+in the wagon; and, as walking was perhaps better for her under the
+circumstances, she and Mr. Poletiss were escorted in procession to
+the inn hard by, where dry changes of costume were provided for
+them by the landlord and his fair daughter.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Misses Eleanora Morkin and Letitia Jane Morkin prepare for bed***"
+src="images/VG283.JPG" /></p>
+<p>As this little misadventure was believed by all, save the
+privileged few, to have been purely the result of accident, it was
+not permitted, so Mr. Bouncer said, to do as Miss Morkin had done
+by him - throw a damp upon the party; and as the couple who had
+taken a watery bath met with great sympathy, they had no reason to
+complain of the incident. Especially had the fair Miss Morkin cause
+to rejoice therein, for the mild Mr. Poletiss had to make her so
+many apologies for having been the innocent cause of her fall, and,
+as a reparation, felt bound to so
+particularly devote himself to her for the remainder of the
+evening, that Miss Morkin was in the highest state of feminine
+gratification, and observed to her sister, when they were preparing
+themselves for rest, "I am quite sure, Letitia Jane, that the gipsy
+woman spoke the truth, and could read the stars and whatdyecallems
+as easy as <i>a b c</i>. She told me that I should be married to a
+man with light whiskers and a soft voice, and that he would come to
+me from over the water; and it's quite evident that she referred to
+Mr. Poletiss and his falling into the brook; and I'm sure if he'd
+have had a proper opportunity he'd have said something definite
+to-night." So Miss Eleonora Morkin laid her head upon her pillow,
+and dreamt of bride-cake and wedding-favours. Perhaps another young
+lady under the same roof was dreaming the same thing!</p>
+<p>A ball at Honeywood Hall terminated the pleasures of the day.
+The guests had brought with them a change of garments, and were
+therefore enabled to make their reappearance in evening costume.
+This quiet interval for dressing was the first moment that Verdant
+could secure for sitting down by himself to think over the events
+of the day. As yet the time was too early for him to reflect calmly
+on the step he had taken. His brain was in that kind of delicious
+stupor which we experience when, having been aroused from sleep, we
+again shut our eyes for a moment's doze. Past, present, and future
+were agreeably mingled in his fancies. One thought quickly followed
+upon another; there was no dwelling upon one special point, but a
+succession of crowding feelings chased rapidly through his mind,
+all pervaded by that sunny hue that shines out from the knowledge
+of love returned.</p>
+<p>He could not rest until he had told his sister Mary, and made
+her a sharer in his happiness. He found her just without the door,
+strolling up and down the drive with Charles Larkyns, so he joined
+them; and, as they walked in the pleasant cool of the evening down
+a shady walk, he stammered out to them, with many blushes, that
+Patty Honeywood had promised to be his wife.</p>
+<p>"Cousin Patty is the very girl for you!" said Charles Larkyns,
+"the very best choice you could have made. She will trim you up and
+keep you tight, as old Tennyson hath it. For what says 'the
+fat-faced curate Edward Bull?'</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"'I take it, God made the woman for the man</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>And for the good and increase of the world.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>A pretty face is well, and this is well,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>To have a dame indoors, that trims us up</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>And keeps us tight.'</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>"Verdant, you are a lucky fellow to have won the love of such a
+good and honest-hearted girl, and if there is any room left to
+mould you into a better fellow than what you are, Miss Patty is the
+very one for the modeller."</p>
+<p>At the same time that he was thus being congratulated on his
+good fortune and happy prospects, Miss Patty was making a similar
+confession to her mother and sister, and receiving the like good
+wishes. And it is probable that Mrs. Honeywood made no delay in
+communicating this piece of family news to her liege lord and
+master; for when, half an hour afterwards, Mr. Verdant Green had
+screwed up his courage sufficiently to enable him to request a
+private interview with Mr. Honeywood in the library, the Squire
+most humanely relieved him from a large load of embarrassment, and
+checked the hems and hums and haws that our hero was letting off
+like squibs, to enliven his conversation, by saying, "I think I
+guess the nature of your errand - to ask my consent to your
+engagement with my daughter Martha? Am I right?"</p>
+<p>And so, by this grateful helping of a very lame dog over a very
+difficult stile, the diplomatic relations and circumlocutions that
+are usually observed at horrible interviews of this description
+were altogether avoided, and the business was speedily brought to a
+satisfactory termination.</p>
+<p>When Mr. Verdant Green issued from the library, he felt himself
+at least ten years older and a much more important person than when
+he had entered it, so greatly is our bump of self-esteem increased
+by the knowledge that there is a being in existence who holds us
+dearer than aught else in the whole wide world. But not even a
+misogynist would have dared to assert that, in the present
+instance, love was but an excess of self-love; for if ever there
+was a true attachment that honestly sprang from the purest feelings
+of the heart, it was that which existed between Miss Patty
+Honeywood and Mr. Verdant Green.</p>
+<p>What need to dwell further on the daily events of that happy
+time? What need to tell how the several engagements of the two Miss
+Honeywoods were made known, and how, with Miss Mary Green and Mr.
+Charles Larkyns, there were thus three <i>bona fide</i> "engaged
+couples" in the house at the same time, to say nothing of what
+looked like an embryo engagement between Miss Fanny Green and Mr.
+Bouncer? But if this last-named attachment should come to anything,
+it would probably be owing to the severe aggravation which the
+little gentleman felt on continually finding himself <i>de trop</i>
+at some scene of tender sentiment.</p>
+<p>If, for example, he entered the library, its tenants, perhaps,
+would be Verdant and Patty, who would be discovered, with agitated
+expressions, standing or sitting at intervals of three yards,
+thereby endeavouring to convey to the spectator the idea that those
+positions had been relatively maintained by them up to the moment
+of his entering the room, an idea which the spectator invariably
+rejected. When Mr. Bouncer had retired with figurative Eastern
+apologies from the library, he would perhaps enter the
+drawing-room, there to find that Frederick Delaval and Miss Kitty
+Honeywood had sprung into remote positions (as certain bodies
+rebound upon contact), and were regarding him as an unwelcome
+intruder. Thence, with more apologies, he would betake himself to
+the breakfast-room, to see what was going on in that quarter, and
+there he would flush a third brace of betrotheds, a proceeding that
+was not much sport to either party. It could hardly be a matter of
+surprise, therefore, if Mr. Bouncer should be seized with the
+prevailing epidemic, and, from the circumstances of his position,
+should be driven more than he might otherwise have been into Miss
+Fanny Green's society. And though the little gentleman had no
+serious intentions in all this, yet it seemed highly probable that
+something might come of it, and that Mr. Alfred Brindle (whose
+attentions at the Christmas charade-party at the Manor Green had
+been of so marked a character) would have to resign his pretensions
+to Miss Fanny Green's hand in favour of Mr. Henry Bouncer.</p>
+<p>But it is needless to describe the daily lives of these
+betrothed couples - how they rode, and sketched, and walked, and
+talked, and drove, and fished, and shot, and visited, and pic-nic'd
+- how they went out to sea in Frederick Delaval's yacht, and were
+overtaken by rough weather, and became so unromantically ill that
+they prayed to be put on shore again - how, on a chosen day, when
+the sea was as calm as a duckpond, they sailed from Bamborough to
+the Longstone, and nevertheless took provisions with them for three
+days, because, if storms should arise, they might have found it
+impossible to put back from the island to the shore; but how,
+nevertheless, they were altogether fortunate, and had not to
+lengthen out their pic-nic to such an uncomfortable extent - and
+how they went over the Lighthouse, and talked about the brave and
+gentle Grace Darling; and how that handsome, grey-headed old man,
+her father, showed them the presents that had been sent to his
+daughter by Queen, and Lords, and Commons, in token of her deed of
+daring; and how he was garrulous about them and her, with the
+pardonable pride of a</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p align="right">"fond old man,</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Fourscore and upward,"</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>who had been the father of such a daughter. It is needless to
+detail all this; let us rather pass to the evening of the day
+preceding that which should see the group of visitors on their way
+back to Warwickshire.</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green and Miss Patty Honeywood have been taking a
+farewell after-dinner stroll in the garden, and have now wandered
+into the deserted breakfast-room, under the pretence of finding a
+water-colour drawing of Honeywood Hall, that the young lady had
+made for our hero.</p>
+<p>"Now, you must promise me," she said to him, "that you will take
+it to Oxford."</p>
+<p>"Certainly, if I go there again. But -"</p>
+<p>"<i>But</i>, sir! but I thought you had promised to give up to
+me on that point. You naughty boy! if you already break your
+promises in this way, who knows but what you will forget your
+promise to remember me when you have gone away from here?"</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green here did what is usual in such cases. He
+kissed the young lady, and said, "You silly little woman! as though
+I <i>could</i> forget you!" <i>et cetera</i>, <i>et cetera</i>.</p>
+<p>"Ah! I don't know," said Miss Patty.</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green repeated the kiss and the <i>et
+ceteras</i>.</p>
+<p>"Very well, then, I'll believe you," at length said Miss Patty.
+"But I won't love you one bit unless you'll faithfully promise that
+you will go back to Oxford. Whatever would be the use of your
+giving up your studies?"</p>
+<p>"A great deal of use; we could be married at once."</p>
+<p>"Oh no, we couldn't. Papa is quite firm on this point. You know
+that he thinks us much too young to be married."</p>
+<p>"But," pleaded our hero, "if we are old enough to fall in love,
+surely we must be old enough to be
+married."</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG and Miss Patty Honeywood before the Maclise painting, 'Come, rest in this bosom'***"
+src="images/VG287.JPG" /></p>
+<p>"Oxford logic again, I suppose," laughed Miss Patty, "but it
+won't persuade papa, nevertheless. I am not quite nineteen, you
+know, and papa has always said that I should never be married until
+I was one-and-twenty. By that time you will have done with college
+and taken your degree, and I should so like to know that you have
+passed all your examinations, and are a Bachelor of Arts."</p>
+<p>"But," said Verdant, "I don't think I shall be able to pass.
+Examinations are very nervous affairs, and suppose I should be
+plucked. You wouldn't like to marry a man who had disgraced
+himself."</p>
+<p>"Do you see that picture?" asked Miss Patty; and she directed
+Verdant's attention to a small but exquisite oil-painting by
+Maclise. It was in illustration of one of Moore's melodies, "Come,
+rest in this bosom, my own stricken deer!" The lover had fallen
+upon one knee at his mistress's feet, and was locked in her
+embrace. With a look of fondest love she had pillowed his head upon
+her bosom, as if to assure him, "Though the herd have all left
+thee, thy home it is here."</p>
+<p>"Do you see that picture?" asked Miss Patty. "I would do as she
+did. If all others rejected you yet would I never. You would still
+find your home here," and she nestled fondly to his side.</p>
+<p>"But," she said, after one of those delightful pauses which
+lovers know so well how to fill up, "you must not conjure up such
+silly fancies. Charles has often told me how easily you passed your
+- Little-go, isn't it called? - and he says you will have no
+trouble in obtaining your degree."</p>
+<p>"But two years is such a tremendous time to wait," urged our
+hero, who, like all lovers, was anxious to crown his happiness
+without much delay.</p>
+<p>"If you are resolved to think it long," said Miss Patty; "but it
+will enable you to tell whether you really like me. You might, you
+know, marry in haste, and then have to repent at leisure."</p>
+<p>And the end of this conversation was, that the fair
+special-pleader gained her cause, and that Mr. Verdant Green
+consented to return to Oxford, and not to dream of marriage until
+two years had passed over his head.</p>
+<p>The next night he slept at the Manor Green, Warwickshire.</p>
+<a name="ch3.10" id="ch3.10"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents3">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER X.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN IS MADE A MASON.</h4>
+<p align="center"><img alt="***Image: Masonic paraphernalia***"
+src="images/VG288.JPG" /></p>
+<p>MR. VERDANT GREEN and Mr. Bouncer were
+once more in Oxford, and on a certain morning had turned into the
+coffee-room of "The Mitre" to "do bitters," as Mr. Bouncer phrased
+the act of drinking bitter beer, when said the little gentleman, as
+he dangled his legs from a table,</p>
+<p>"Giglamps, old feller! you ain't a mason."</p>
+<p>"A mason! of course not."</p>
+<p>"And why do you say 'of course not'?"</p>
+<p>"Why, what would be the use of it?"</p>
+<p>"That's what parties always say, my tulip. Be a mason, and then
+you'll soon see the use of it."</p>
+<p>"But I am independent of trade."</p>
+<p>"Trade? Oh, I twig. My gum, Giglamps! you'll be the death of me
+some fine day. I didn't mean a mason with a hod of mortar; he'd be
+a hod-fellow, don't you see? - there's a fine old crusted joke for
+you - I meant a mason with a petticut, a freemason."</p>
+<p>"Oh, a freemason. Well, I really don't seem to care much about
+being one. As far as I can see, there's a great deal of mystery and
+very little use in it."</p>
+<p>"Oh, that's because you know nothing about it. If you were a
+mason you'd soon see the use of it. For one thing, when you go
+abroad you'd find it no end of a help to you. If you'll stand
+another tankard of beer I'll tell you an <i>apropos</i> tale."</p>
+<p>So when a fresh supply of the bitter beverage had been ordered
+and brought, little Mr. Bouncer, perched upon the table, and
+dangling his legs, discoursed as follows:-</p>
+<p>"Last Long, Billy Blades went on to the continent, and in the
+course of his wanderings he came across some gentlemen who turned
+out to be bandits, although they wern't dressed in tall hats and
+ribbons, and scarves, and watches, and velvet sit-upons, like you
+see them in pictures and at theatres; but they were rough customers
+for all that, and they laid hands upon Master Billy, and politely
+asked him for his money or his life.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG and Mr. Bouncer seated in the 'Mitre,' 'doing bitters'***"
+src="images/VG289.JPG" /></p>
+<p>Billy wasn't inclined to give them either, but he was all alone,
+with nothing but his knapsack and a stick, for it was a frequented
+road, and he had no idea that there were such things as banditti in
+existence. Well, as you're aware, Giglamps, Billy's a modern
+Hercules, with an unusual development of biceps, and he not only
+sent out left and right, and gave them a touch of Hammer Lane and
+the Putney Pet combined, but he also applied his shoemaker to
+another gentleman's tailor with considerable effect. However, this
+didn't get him kudos, or mend matters one bit; and, after being
+knocked about much more than was agreeable to his feelings, he was
+forced to yield to superior numbers. They gagged and blindfolded
+him, formed him into a procession, and marched him off; and when in
+about half-an-hour they again let him have the use of his eyes and
+tongue, he found himself in a rude hut, with his banditti friends
+around him. They had pistols, and poniards, and long knives, with
+which they made threatening demonstrations. They had cut open his
+knapsack and tumbled out its contents, but not a <i>sou</i> could
+they find; for Billy, I should have told you, had left the place
+where he was staying, for a few days' walking tour, and he had only
+taken what little money he required; of this he had one or two
+pieces left, which he gave them. But it wouldn't satisfy the
+beggars, and they signified to him - for you see, Giglamps, Billy
+didn't understand a quarter of their lingo - that he must fork out
+with his tin unless he wished to be forked into with their steel.
+Pleasant position, wasn't it?"</p>
+<p>"Extremely."</p>
+<p>"Well, they searched him, and when they found that they really
+couldn't get anything more out of him, they made him understand
+that he must write to some one for a ransom, and that he wouldn't
+be released until the money came. Pleasant again, wasn't it?"</p>
+<p>"Excessively. But what has all this to do with freemasonry?"</p>
+<p>"Giglamps, you're as bad as a girl who peeps at the end of a
+novel before she begins to read it. Drink your beer, and let me
+tell my tale in my own way. Well, now we come to volume the third,
+chapter the last. Master Billy found that there was nothing for it
+but to obey orders, so he sent off a note to his banker, stating
+his requirements. As soon as this business was transacted, the
+amiable bandits turned to pleasure, and produced a bottle of wine,
+of which they politely asked Billy to partake. He thought at first
+that it might be poison, and he wasn't very far wrong, for it was
+most villainous stuff. However, the other fellows took to it
+kindly, and got more amiable than ever over it; so much so that
+they offered Billy one of his own weeds, and they all got very
+jolly, and were as thick as thieves. Billy made himself so much at
+home - he's a beggar that can always adapt himself to circumstances
+- that at last the chief bandit proposed his health, and then they
+all shook hands with him. Well, now comes the moral of my story.
+When the captain of the bandits was drinking Billy's Health in this
+flipper-shaking way, it all at once occurred to Billy to give him
+the masonic grip. I must not tell you what it was, but he gave it,
+and, lo and behold! the bandit returned it. Both Billy and the
+bandit opened their eyes pretty considerably at this. The bandit
+also opened his arms and embraced his captive; and the long and
+short of it was that he begged Billy's pardon for the trouble and
+delay they had caused him, returned him his money and knapsack, and
+all the weeds that were not smoked, set aside the ransom, and
+escorted him back to the high road, guaranteeing him a free and
+unmolested passage if he should come that way again. And all this
+because Billy was a mason; so you see, Giglamps, what use it is to
+a feller. But," said Mr. Bouncer, as he ended his tale, "talking's
+monstrously dry work. So, I looks to-wards you, Giglamps! to which,
+if you wish to do the correct thing, you should reply 'I likewise
+bows!'" And, little Mr. Bouncer, winking affably to his friend,
+raised the silver tankard to his lips, and kept it there for the
+space of ten seconds.</p>
+<p>"I suppose," said Verdant, "that the real moral of your story
+is, that I must become a freemason, because I might travel abroad
+and be attacked by a scamp who was also a freemason. Now, I think I
+had better decline joining a society that numbers banditti among
+its members."</p>
+<p>"Oh, but that was an exceptional case. I dare say, if the truth
+was known, Billy's friend had once been a highly respectable party,
+and had paid his water-rate and income-tax like any other civilized
+being. But all masons are not like Billy's friend, and the more you
+know of them the more you'll thank me for having advised you to
+join them. But it isn't altogether that. Every Oxford man who is
+really a man is a mason, and that, Giglamps, is quite a sufficient
+reason why <i>you</i> should be one."</p>
+<p>So Verdant said, Very well, he had no objection; and little Mr.
+Bouncer promised to arrange the necessary preliminaries. What these
+were will be seen if we advance the progress of events a few days
+later.</p>
+<p>Messrs. Bouncer, Blades, Foote, and Flexible Shanks - who were
+all masons, and could affix to their names more letters than
+members of far more learned societies could do - had undertaken
+that Mr. Verdant Green's initiation into the mysteries of the craft
+should be altogether a private one. Verdant felt that this was
+exceedingly kind of them; for, if it must be confessed, he had
+adopted the popular idea that the admission of members was in some
+way or other connected with the free use of a red-hot poker, and
+though he was reluctant to breathe his fears on this point, yet he
+looked forward to the ceremony with no little dread. He was
+therefore immensely relieved when he found that, by the kindness of
+his friends, his initiation would not take place in the presence of
+the assembled members of the Lodge.</p>
+<p>For a week Mr. Verdant Green was benevolently left to ponder and
+speculate on the ceremonial horrors that would attend his
+introduction to the mysteries of freemasonry, and by the appointed
+day he had worked himself into such a state of nervous excitement
+that he was burning more with the fever of apprehension than that
+of curiosity. There was no help for him, however; he had promised
+to go through the ordeal, whatever it might be, and he had no
+desire to be laughed at for having abandoned his purpose through
+fear.</p>
+<p>The Lodge of Cemented Bricks, of which Messrs. Bouncer and Co.
+had promised to make Mr. Verdant Green a member, occupied spacious
+rooms in a certain large house in a certain small street not a
+hundred miles from the High Street. The ascent to the Lodge-room,
+which was at the top of the house, was by a rather formidable
+flight of stairs, up which Mr. Verdant Green tremblingly climbed,
+attended by Mr. Bouncer as his <i>fidus Achates</i>. The little
+gentleman, in that figurative Oriental language to which he was so
+partial, considerately advised his friend to keep up his pecker and
+never say die; but his exhortation of "Now, don't you be
+frightened, Giglamps, we shan't hurt you more than we can help,"
+only increased the anguish of our hero's sensations; and when at
+the last he found himself at the top of the stairs, and before a
+door which was guarded by Mr. Foote, who held a drawn sword, and
+was dressed in unusually full masonic costume, and looked stern and
+unearthly in the dusky gloom, he turned back, and would have made
+his escape had he not been prevented by Mr. "Footelights' " naked
+weapon. Mr. Bouncer had previously cautioned him that he must not
+in any way evince a recognition of his friends until the ceremonies
+of the initiation were completed, and that the infringement of this
+command would lead to his total expulsion from his friends'
+society. Mr. Bouncer had also told him that he must not be
+surprised at anything that he might see or hear; which, under the
+circumstances, was very seasonable as well as sensible advice. Mr.
+Verdant Green, therefore, submitted to his fate, and to Mr.
+Footelights' drawn sword.</p>
+<p>"The first step, Giglamps," whispered Mr. Bouncer, "is the
+blindfolding; the next is the challenge, which is in Coptic, the
+original language, you know, of the members of the first Lodge of
+Cemented Bricks. Swordbearer and Deputy Past Pantile Foote will do
+this for you. I must go and put my things on. Remember, you musn't
+recognize me when you come into the Lodge. Adoo, Samiwel! keep your
+pecker up." Mr. Verdant Green wrung his friend's hand, pocketed his
+spectacles, and submitted to be blindfolded.</p>
+<p>Mr. Footelights then took him by the hand, and knocked three
+times at the door. A voice, which Verdant recognized as that of Mr.
+Blades, inquired, "Kilaricum luricum tweedlecum twee?"</p>
+<p>To which Mr. Footelights replied, "Astrakansa siphonia
+bostrukizon!" and laid the cold steel blade against Mr. Verdant
+Green's cheek in a way which made that gentleman shiver.</p>
+<p>Mr. Blades' voice then said, "Swordbearer and Deputy Past
+Pantile, pass in the neophyte who seeks to be a Cemented Brick";
+and Mr. Verdant Green was thereupon guided into the room.</p>
+<p>"Gropelos toldery lol! remove the handkerchief," said the voice
+of Mr. Blades.</p>
+<p>The glare from numerous wax-lights, reflected as it was from
+polished gold, silver, and marble, affected Mr. Verdant Green's
+bandaged eyes, and prevented him for a time from seeing anything
+distinctly, but on Mr. Foote motioning to him that he might resume
+his spectacles, he was soon enabled by their aid to survey the
+scene. Around him stood Mr. Bouncer, Mr. Blades, Mr. Flexible
+Shanks, and Mr. Foote. Each held a drawn and gleaming sword; each
+wore aprons, scarves, or mantles; each was decorated with mystic
+masonic jewellery; each was silent and preternaturally serious. The
+room was large and was furnished with the greatest splendour, but
+its contents seemed strange and mysterious to our hero's eyes.</p>
+<p>"Advance the neophyte! Oodiny dulipy sing!" said Mr. Blades, who
+walked to the other end of the room, stepped upon a dais, ascended
+his throne, and laid aside the sword for a sceptre. Mr. Foote and
+Mr. Flexible Shanks then took Mr. Verdant Green by either shoulder,
+and escorted him up the room with their drawn swords turned towards
+him, while Mr. Bouncer followed, and playfully prodded him in the
+rear.</p>
+<p>In the front of Mr. Blades' throne there was a species of altar,
+of which the chief ornaments were a large sword, a skull and
+cross-bones, illuminated by a great wax light placed in a tall
+silver candlestick. Silver globes and pillars stood upon the dais
+on either side of the throne; and luxuriously-velveted chairs and
+rows of seats were ranged around. Before the altar-like erection a
+small funereal black and white carpet was spread upon the black and
+white lozenged floor; and on this carpet were arranged the
+following articles:- a money chest, a ballot box (very like Miss
+Bouncer's Camera), two pairs of swords, three little mallets, and a
+skull and cross-bones - the display of which emblems of mortality
+confirmed Mr. Verdant Green in his previously-formed opinion, that
+the Lodge-room was a veritable chamber of horrors, and he would
+willingly have preferred a visit to that "lodge in some vast
+wilderness," for which the poet sighed, and to have forgone all
+those promised benefits that were to be derived from
+Freemasonry.</p>
+<p>But wishing could not save him. He had no sooner arrived in
+front of the skull and cross-bones than the procession halted, and
+Mr. Blades, rising from his throne, said, "Let the Sword-bearer and
+Deputy Past Pantile, together with the Provincial Grand
+Mortar-board, do their duty! Ramohun roy azalea tong! Produce the
+poker! Past Grand Hodman, remain on guard!"</p>
+<p>Mr. Foote and Mr. Flexible Shanks removed their hands and swords
+from Mr. Verdant Green, and walked solemnly down the room, leaving
+little Mr. Bouncer standing beside our hero, and holding the drawn
+sword above his head. Mr. Foote and Mr. Flexible Shanks returned,
+escorting between them the poker. It was cold! that was a relief.
+But how long was it to remain so?</p>
+<p>"Past Grand Hodman!" said Mr. Blades, "instruct the neophyte in
+the primary proceedings of the Cemented Bricks."</p>
+<p>At Mr. Bouncer's bidding, Mr. Verdant Green then sat down upon
+the lozenged floor, and held his knees with his hands. Mr. Flexible
+Shanks then brought to him the poker, and said, "Tetrao urogallus
+orygometra crex!" The poker was then, by
+the assistance of Mr. Foote, placed under the knees and over the
+arms of Mr. Verdant Green, who thus sat like a trussed fowl, and
+equally helpless.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Crossed swords and masonic ritual, VG trussed up and seated on the floor***"
+src="images/VG294.JPG" /></p>
+<p>"Recite to the neophyte the oath of the Cemented Bricks!" said
+Mr. Blades.</p>
+<p>"Ramphastidinae toco scolopendra tinnunculus cracticornis bos!"
+exclaimed Mr. Flexible Shanks.</p>
+<p>"Do you swear to obey through fire and water, and bricks and
+mortar, the words of this oath?" asked Mr. Blades from his
+throne.</p>
+<p>"You must say, I do!" whispered Mr. Bouncer to Mr. Verdant
+Green, who accordingly muttered the response.</p>
+<p>"Let the oath be witnessed and registered by Swordbearer and
+Deputy Past Pantile, Provincial Grand Mortar-board, and Past Grand
+Hodman!" said Mr. Blades; and the three gentlemen thus designated
+stood on either side of and behind Mr. Verdant Green, and, with
+theatrical gestures, clashed their swords over his head.</p>
+<p>"Keemo kimo lingtum nipcat! let him rise," said Mr. Blades; and
+the poker was thereupon withdrawn from its position, and Mr.
+Verdant Green, being untrussed, but somewhat stiff and cramped, was
+assisted upon his legs.</p>
+<p>He hoped that his troubles were now at an end; but this pleasing
+delusion was speedily dispelled, by Mr. Blades saying - "The next
+part of the ceremonial is the delivery of the red-hot poker. Let
+the poker be heated!"</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green went chill with dread as he watched the
+terrible instrument borne from the room by Mr. Foote and Mr.
+Flexible Shanks, while Mr. Bouncer resumed his guard over him with
+the drawn sword. All was quiet save a smothered sound from the
+other side of the door, which, under other circumstances, Verdant
+would have taken for suppressed laughter; but, the solemnity of the
+proceedings repelled the idea.</p>
+<p>At length the poker was brought in, red-hot and smoking,
+whereupon Mr. Blades left his throne and walked to the other end of
+the room, and there took his seat upon a second throne, before
+which was a second altar, garnished - as Mr. Verdant Green soon
+perceived, to his horror and amazement - with a human head (or the
+representation of one) projecting from a black cloth that concealed
+the neck, and, doubtless, the marks of decapitation. Its ghastly
+features were clearly displayed by the aid of a wax light placed in
+a tall silver candlestick by its side.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: More Masonic ritual, VG and Mr. Blades, the heated poker having been brought in***"
+src="images/VG295.JPG" /></p>
+<p>Mr. Blades received the poker from Mr. Foote, and commanded the
+neophyte to advance. Mr. Verdant Green did so, and took up a
+trembling position to the left of the throne, while Mr. Foote and
+Mr. Flexible Shanks proceeded to the organ, which was to the right
+of the entrance door. Mr. Blades then delivered the poker to Mr.
+Verdant Green, who, at first, imagined that he was required to
+seize it by its red-hot end, but was greatly relieved in his mind
+when he found that he had merely to take it by the handle, and
+repeat (as well as he could) a form of gibberish that Mr. Blades
+dictated. Having done this he was desired to transfer the poker to
+the Past Grand Hodman - Mr. Bouncer.</p>
+<p>He had just come to the joyful conclusion that the much dreaded
+poker portion of the business was now at an end, when Mr. Blades
+ruthlessly cast a dark cloud over his gleam of happiness, by saying
+- "The next part of the ceremony will be the branding with the
+red-hot poker. Let the organist call in the aid of music to drown
+the shrieks of the victim!" and, thereupon, Mr. Foote struck up
+(with the full swell of the organ) a heart-rending air that sounded
+like "the cries of the wounded" from <i>the Battle of
+Prague</i>.</p>
+<p>Now, it happened that little Mr. Bouncer - like his sister - was
+subject to uncontrollable fits of laughter at improper seasons. For
+the last half-hour he had suffered severely from the torture of
+suppressed mirth, and now, as he saw Mr. Verdant Green's climax of
+fright at the anticipated branding, human nature could not longer
+bear up against an explosion of merriment, and Mr. Bouncer burst
+into shouts of laughter, and, with convulsive sobs, flung himself
+upon the nearest seat. His example was contagious; Mr. Blades, Mr.
+Foote, and Mr. Flexible Shanks, one after another, joined in the
+roar, and relieved their pent-up feelings with a rush of uproarious
+laughter.</p>
+<p>At the first Mr. Verdant Green looked surprised, and in doubt
+whether or no this was but a part of the usual proceedings
+attendant upon the initiation of a member into the Lodge of
+Cemented Bricks. Then the truth dawned upon him, and he blushed up
+to his spectacles.</p>
+<p>"Sold again, Giglamps!" shouted little Mr. Bouncer. "I didn't
+think we could carry out the joke so far, I wonder if this will be
+hoax the last for Mr. Verdant Green?"</p>
+<p>"I hope so indeed!" replied our hero; "for I have no wish to
+continue a Freshman all through my college life. But I'll give you
+full liberty to hoax me again - if you can." And Mr. Verdant Green
+joined good-humouredly in the laughter raised at his own
+expense.</p>
+<p>Not many days after this he was really made a Mason; although
+the Lodge was not that of the Cemented Bricks, or the forms of
+initiation those invented by his four friends.</p>
+<a name="ch3.11" id="ch3.11"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents3">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER XI.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN BREAKFASTS WITH MR. BOUNCER, AND ENTERS FOR A
+GRIND.</h4>
+<p align="center"><img alt="***Image: Riverside view***" src=
+"images/VG297.JPG" /></p>
+<p>LITTLE Mr. Bouncer had abandoned his
+intention of obtaining a <i>licet migrare</i> to "the Tavern," and
+had decided (the Dons being propitious) to remain at Brazenface, in
+the nearer neighbourhood of his friends. He had resumed his reading
+for his degree; and, at various odd times, and in various odd ways,
+he crammed himself for his forthcoming examination with the most
+confused and confusing scraps of knowledge. He was determined, he
+said, "to stump the examiners."</p>
+<p>One day, when Mr. Verdant Green had come from morning chapel,
+and had been refreshed by the perusal of an unusually long epistle
+from his charming Northumbrian correspondent, he betook himself to
+his friend's rooms, and found the little gentleman -
+notwithstanding that he was expecting a breakfast party - still
+luxuriating in bed. His curly black wig reposed on its block on the
+dressing table, and the closely shaven skull that it daily
+decorated shone whiter than the pillow that it pressed; for
+although Mr. Bouncer considered that night-caps might be worn by
+"long-tailed babbies," and by "old birds that were as bald as
+coots," yet, he, being a young bird - though not a baby - declined
+to ensconce his head within any kind of white covering, after the
+fashion of the portraits of the poet Cowper. The smallness of Mr.
+Bouncer's dormitory caused his wash-hand-stand to be brought
+against his bed's head; and the little gentleman had availed
+himself of this conveniency, to place within the basin a
+blubbering, bubbling, gurgling hookah, from which a long stem
+curled in vine-like tendrils, until it found a resting place in Mr.
+Bouncer's mouth. The little gentleman lay comfortably propped on
+pillows, with his hands tucked under his head, and his knees
+crooked up to form a rest for a manuscript book of choice "crams,"
+that had been gleaned by him from those various fields of knowledge
+from which the true labourer reaps so rich and ripe a store. Huz
+and Buz reposed on the counterpane, to complete this picture of
+Reading for a Pass.</p>
+<p>"The top o' the morning to you, Giglamps!" he said, as he
+saluted his friend with a volley of smoke - a salute similar as to
+the smoke, but superior, in the absence of noise and slightness of
+expense, to that which would have greeted Mr. Verdant Green's
+approach had he been of the royal blood - "here I am! sweating
+away, as usual, for that beastly examination."
+(It was a popular fallacy with Mr.
+Bouncer, that he read very hard and very regularly.) "I thought I'd
+cut chapel this morning, and coach up for my Divinity paper. Do you
+know who Hadassah was, old feller?"</p>
+<p>"No! I never heard of her."</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Bald headed Mr. Bouncer with hookah, in bed, Reading for a Pass***"
+src="images/VG298.JPG" /></p>
+<p>"Ha! you may depend upon it, those are the sort of questions
+that pluck a man;" said Mr. Bouncer, who thought - as others like
+him have thought - that the getting up of a few abstruse proper
+names would be proof sufficient for a thorough knowledge of the
+whole subject. "But I'm not going to let them gulph me a second
+time; though, they ought not to plough a man who's been at Harrow,
+ought they, old feller?"</p>
+<p>"Don't make bad jokes."</p>
+<p>"So I shall work well at these crams, although, of course, I
+shall put on my examination coat, and trust a good deal to my
+cards, and watch papers, and shirt wristbands, and so on."</p>
+<p>"I should have thought," said Verdant, "that after those sort of
+crutches had broken down with you once, you would not fly to their
+support a second time."</p>
+<p>"Oh, I shall though! - I must, you know!" replied the infatuated
+Mr. Bouncer. "The Mum cut up doosid this last time; you've no idea
+how she turned on the main, and did the briny! and, I must make
+things sure this time. After all, I believe it was those Second
+Aorists that ploughed me."</p>
+<p>It is remarkable, that, not only in Mr. Bouncer's case, but in
+many others, also, of a like nature, gentlemen who have been
+plucked can always attribute their totally-unexpected failures to a
+Second Aorist, or a something equivalent to "the salmon," or "the
+melted butter," or "that glass of sherry," which are recognized as
+the causes for so many morning reflections. This curious
+circumstance suggests an interesting source of inquiry for the
+speculative.</p>
+<p>"Well!" said Mr. Bouncer meditatively; "I'm not so sorry, after
+all, that they cut up rough, and ploughed me. It's enabled me, you
+see, to come back here, and be jolly. I shouldn't have known what
+to do with myself away from Oxford. A man can't be always going to
+feeds and tea-fights; and that's all that I have to do when I'm
+down in the country with the Mum - she likes me, you know, to do
+the filial, and go about with her. And it's not a bad thing to have
+something to work at! it keeps what you call your intellectual
+faculties on the move. I don't wonder at thingumbob crying when
+he'd no more whatdyecallems to conquer! he was regularly used up, I
+dare say."</p>
+<p>Mr. Bouncer, upon this, rolled out some curls of smoke from the
+corner of his mouth, and then observed, "I'm glad I started this
+hookah! 'the judicious Hooker,' ain't it, Giglamps? it is so jolly,
+at night, to smoke oneself to sleep, with the tail end of it in
+one's mouth, and to find it there in the morning, all ready for a
+fresh start. It makes me get on with my coaching like a house on
+fire."</p>
+<p>Here there was a rush of men into the adjacent room, who hailed
+Mr. Bouncer as a disgusting Sybarite, and, flinging their caps and
+gowns into a corner, forthwith fell upon the good fare which Mr.
+Robert Filcher had spread before them; at the same time carrying on
+a lively conversation with their host, the occupant of the
+bed-room. "Well! I suppose I must turn out, and do tumbies!" said
+Mr. Bouncer. So he got up, and went into his tub; and presently,
+sat down comfortably to breakfast, in his shirt-sleeves.</p>
+<p>When Mr. Bouncer had refreshed his inner man, and strengthened
+himself for his severe course of reading by the consumption of a
+singular mixture of coffee and kidneys, beef-steaks and beer; and
+when he had rested from his exertions, and had resumed his pipe -
+which was not "the judicious Hooker," but a short clay, smoked to a
+swarthy hue, and on that account, as well as from its presumed
+medicatory power, called "the Black Doctor," - just then, Mr.
+Smalls, and a detachment of invited guests, who had been to an
+early lecture, dropped in to breakfast. Huz and Buz, setting up a
+terrific bark, darted towards a minute specimen of the canine
+species, which, with the aid of a powerful microscope, might have
+been discovered at the feet of its proud proprietor, Mr. Smalls. It
+was the first dog of its kind imported into Oxford, and it was
+destined to set on foot a fashion that soon bade fair to drive out
+of the field those long-haired Skye-terriers, with two or three
+specimens of which species, he entered the room.</p>
+<p>"Kill 'em, Lympy!" said Mr. Smalls to his pet, who, with an
+extreme display of pugnacity, was submitting to the curious and
+minute inspection of Huz and Buz. "Lympy" was a black and tan
+terrier, with smooth hair, glossy coat, bead-like eyes, cropped
+ears, pointed tail, limbs of a cobwebby structure, and so
+diminutive in its proportions, that its owner was accustomed to
+carry it inside the breast of his waistcoat, as a precaution,
+probably, against its being blown away. And it was called "Lympy,"
+as an abbreviation of "Olympus," which was the name derisively
+given to it for its smallness, on the <i>lucus a non lucendo</i>
+principle that miscalls the lengthy "brief" of the barrister, the
+"living" - not-sufficient-to-support-life - of the poor vicar, the
+uncertain "certain age," the unfair "fare" and the son-ruled
+"governor."</p>
+<p>"Lympy" was placed upon the table, in order that he might be
+duly admired; an exaltation at which Huz and Buz and the
+Skye-terriers chafed with jealousy. "Be quiet, you beggars! he's
+prettier than you!" said Mr. Smalls; whereupon, a mild punster
+present propounded the canine query, "Did it ever occur to a cur to
+be lauded to the Skyes?" at which there was a shout of indignation,
+and he was sconced by the unanimous vote of the company.</p>
+<p>"Lympy ain't a bad style of dog," said little Mr. Bouncer, as he
+puffed away at the Black Doctor. "He'd be perfect, if he hadn't one
+fault."</p>
+<p>"And what's his fault, pray?" asked his anxious owner.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt="***Image: 'Lympney', minuscule dog***"
+src="images/VG300.JPG" /></p>
+<p>"There's rather too much of him!" observed Mr. Bouncer, gravely.
+"Robert!" shouted the little gentleman to his scout; "Robert! doose
+take the feller, he's always out of the way when he's wanted." And,
+when the performance of a variety of octaves on the post-horn,
+combined with the free use of the speaking-trumpet, had brought Mr.
+Robert Filcher to his presence, Mr. Bouncer received him with
+objurgations, and ordered another tankard of beer from the
+buttery.</p>
+<p>In the mean time, the conversation had taken a sporting turn.
+"Do you meet Drake's to-morrow?" asked Mr. Blades of Mr.
+Four-in-hand Fosbrooke.</p>
+<p>"No! the old Berkshire," was the reply.</p>
+<p>"Where's the meet?"</p>
+<p>"At Buscot Park. I send my horse to Thompson's, at the
+Farringdon-Road station, and go to meet him by rail."</p>
+<p>"And, what about the Grind?" asked Mr. Smalls of the company
+generally.</p>
+<p>"Oh yes!" said Mr. Bouncer, "let us talk over the Grind.
+Giglamps, old feller, you must join."</p>
+<p>"Certainly, if you wish it," said Mr. Verdant Green, who,
+however, had as little idea as the man in the moon what they were
+talking about. But, as he was no longer a Freshman, he was
+unwilling to betray his ignorance on any matter pertaining to
+college life; so, he looked much wiser than he felt, and saved
+himself from saying more on the subject, by sipping a hot spiced
+draught, from a silver cup that was pushed round to him.
+</p>
+<p>"That's the very cup that Four-in-hand Fosbrooke won at the last
+Grind," said Mr. Bouncer.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Silver cup engraved 'Brazenoze Grind. - Fosbrooke'***"
+src="images/VG301.JPG" /></p>
+<p>"Was it indeed!" safely answered Mr. Verdant Green, who looked
+at the silver cup (on which was engraven a coat of arms with the
+words "Brazenface Grind.- Fosbrooke,"), and wondered what "a Grind"
+might be. A medical student would have told [him] that a "Grind"
+meant the reading up for an examination [under] the tuition of one
+who was familiarly termed "a Grinder" - a process which Mr. Verdant
+Green's friends would phrase as "Coaching" under "a Coach;" but the
+conversation that followed upon Mr. Smalls' introduction of the
+subject, made our hero aware, that, to a University man, a Grind
+did not possess any reading signification, but a riding one. In
+fact, it was a steeple-chase, slightly varying in its details
+according to the college that patronized the pastime. At
+Brazenface, "the Grind" was usually over a known line of country,
+marked out with flags by the gentleman (familiarly known as
+Anniseed) who attended to this business, and full of leaps of
+various kinds, and various degrees of stiffness. By sweepstakes and
+subscriptions, a sum of from ten to fifteen pounds was raised for
+the purchase of a silver cup, wherewith to grace the winner's wines
+and breakfast parties; but, as the winner had occasionally been
+known to pay as much as fifteen pounds for the day's hire of the
+blood horse who was to land him first at the goal, and as he had,
+moreover, to discharge many other little expenses, including the by
+no means little one of a dinner to the losers, the conqueror for
+the cup usually obtained more glory than profit.</p>
+<p>"I suppose you'll enter <i>Tearaway</i>, as before?" asked Mr.
+Smalls of Mr. Fosbrooke.</p>
+<p>"Yes! for I want to get him in condition for the Aylesbury
+steeple-chase," replied the owner of <i>Tearaway</i>, who was
+rather too fond of vaunting his blue silk and black cap before the
+eyes of the sporting public.</p>
+<p>"You've not much to fear from this man," said Mr. Bouncer,
+indicating (with the Black Doctor) the stalwart form of Mr. Blades.
+"Billy's too big in the Westphalias. Giglamps, you're the boy to
+cook Fosbrooke's goose. Don't you remember what old father-in-law
+Honeywood told you, - that you might, would, should, and could,
+ride like a Shafto? and lives there a man with soul so dead, - as
+Shikspur or some other cove observes - who wouldn't like to show
+what stuff he was made of? I can put you up to a wrinkle," said the
+little gentleman, sinking his voice to a whisper. "Tollitt has got
+a mare who can lick <i>Tearaway</i> into fits. She is as easy as a
+chair, and jumps like a cat. All that you have to do is to sit
+back, clip the pig-skin, and send her at it; and, she'll take you
+over without touching a twig. He'd promised her to me, but I intend
+to cut the Grind altogether; it interferes too much, don't you see,
+with my coaching. So I can make Tollitt keep her for you. Think how
+well the cup would look on your side-board, when you've blossomed
+into a parient, and changed the adorable Patty into Mrs. Verdant.
+Think of that, Master Giglamps!"</p>
+<p>Mr. Bouncer's argument was a persuasive one, and Mr. Verdant
+Green consented to be one of the twelve gentlemen, who cheerfully
+paid their sovereigns to be allowed to make their appearance as
+amateur jockeys at the forthcoming Grind. After much debate, "the
+Wet Ensham course" was decided upon; and three o'clock in the
+afternoon of that day fortnight was fixed for the start. Mr. Smalls
+gained <i>kudos</i> by offering to give the luncheon at his rooms;
+and the host of the Red Lion, at Ensham, was ordered to prepare one
+of his very best dinners, for the winding up of the day's
+sport.</p>
+<p>"I don't mind paying for it," said Verdant to Mr. Bouncer, "if I
+can but win the cup, and show it to Patty, when she comes to us at
+Christmas."</p>
+<p>"Keep your pecker up, old feller! and put your trust in old
+beans," was Mr. Bouncer's reply.</p>
+<a name="ch3.12" id="ch3.12"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents3">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER XII.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN TAKES HIS DEGREE.</h4>
+<p>DURING the fortnight that intervened between Mr. Bouncer's
+breakfast party and the Grind, Mr. Verdant Green got himself into
+training for his first appearance as a steeple-chase rider, by
+practising a variety of equestrian feats over leaping-bars and
+gorse stuck hurdles; in which he acquitted himself with tolerable
+success, and came off with fewer bruises than might have been
+expected. At this period of his career, too, he strengthened his
+bodily powers by practising himself in those varieties of the
+"manly exercises" that found most favour in Oxford.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Fencing and other exercises in Mr. MacLaren's gymnasium***"
+src="images/VG303.JPG" /></p>
+<p>The adoption of some portion of these was partly attributable to
+his having been made a Mason; for, whenever he attended the
+meetings of his Lodge, he had to pass the two rooms where Mr.
+MacLaren conducted his fencing-school and gymnasium. The
+fencing-room - which was the larger of the two, and was of the same
+dimensions as the Lodge-room above it - was usually tenanted by the
+proprietor and his assistant (who, as Mr.
+Bouncer phrased it, "put the pupils through their paces,") and
+re-echoed to the sounds of stampings, and the cries of "On guard!
+quick! parry! lunge!" with the various other terms of Defence and
+Attack, uttered in French and English. At the upper end of the
+room, over the fire-place, was a stand of curious arms, flanked on
+either side by files of single-sticks. The centre of the room was
+left clear for the fencing; while the lower end was occupied by the
+parallel bars, a regiment of Indian clubs, and a mattress apparatus
+for the delectation of the sect of jumpers.</p>
+<p>Here Mr. Verdant Green, properly equipped for the purpose, was
+accustomed to swing his clubs after the presumed Indian manner, to
+lift himself off his feet and hang suspended between the parallel
+bars, to leap the string on to the mattress, to be rapped and
+thumped with single-sticks and boxing-gloves by any one else than
+Mr. Blades (who had developed his muscles in a most formidable
+manner), and to go through his parades of <i>quarte</i> and
+<i>tierce</i> with the flannel-clothed assistant. Occasionally he
+had a fencing bout with the good-humoured
+Mr. MacLaren, who - professionally protected by his padded leathern
+<i>plastron</i> - politely and obligingly did his best to assure
+him, both by precept and example, of the truth of the wise old saw,
+"mens sana in corpore sano."</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Mr. MacLaren - on guard with sword***" src=
+"images/VG304.JPG" /></p>
+<p>The lower room at MacLaren's presented a very different
+appearance to the fencing-room. The wall to the right hand, as well
+as a part of the wall at the upper end, was hung around - not</p>
+<center>"With pikes, and guns, and bows,"</center>
+<p>like the fine old English gentleman's, - but nevertheless,</p>
+<center>"With swords, and good old cutlasses,"</center>
+<p>and foils, and fencing masks, and fencing gloves, and boxing
+gloves, and pads, and belts, and light white shoes. Opposite to the
+door, was the vaulting-horse, on whose wooden back the gymnasiast
+sprang at a bound, and over which the tyro (with the aid of the
+spring-board) usually pitched himself headlong. Then, commencing at
+the further end, was a series of poles and ropes - the turning
+pole, the hanging poles, the rings, and the <i>trapeze</i>, - on
+either or all of which the pupil could exercise himself; and, if he
+had the skill so to do, could jerk himself from one to the other,
+and finally hang himself upon the sloping ladder, before the
+momentum of his spring had passed away.</p>
+<p>Mr. Bouncer, who could do most things with his hands and feet,
+was a very distinguished pupil of Mr. MacLaren's; for the little
+gentleman was as active as a monkey, and - to quote his own
+remarkably figurative expression - was "a great deal livelier than
+<i>the Bug and Butterfly</i>." <font color=
+"#FF0000">[39]</font></p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[39] A name given to Mr. Hope's Entomological Museum.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>Mr. Bouncer, then, would go through the full series of gymnastic
+performances, and finally pull himself up the rounds of the ladder,
+with the greatest apparent ease, much to the envy of Mr. Verdant
+Green, who, bathed in perspiration, and nearly dislocating every
+bone in his body, would vainly struggle (in attitudes like to those
+of "the perspiring frog" of Count Smorltork) to imitate his
+mercurial friend, and would finally drop exhausted on the padded
+floor.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: The lower room at MacLaren's***" src=
+"images/VG305.JPG" /></p>
+<p>And, Mr. Verdant Green did not confine himself to these indoor
+amusements; but studied the Oxford Book of Sports in various
+out-of-door ways. Besides his Grinds, and cricketing, and boating,
+and hunting, he would paddle down to Wyatt's,
+for a little pistol practice, or to
+indulge in the exciting amusement of rifle-shooting at empty
+bottles, or to practise, on the leaping and swinging poles, the
+lessons he was learning at MacLaren's, or to play at skittles with
+Mr. Bouncer (who was very expert in knocking down three out of the
+four), or to kick football until he became (to use Mr. Bouncer's
+expression) "as stiff as a biscuit."</p>
+<p>Or, he would attend the shooting parties given by William Brown,
+Esquire, of University House; where blue-rocks and brown rabbits
+were turned out of traps for the sport of the assembled bipeds and
+quadrupeds. The luckless pigeons and rabbits had but a poor chance
+for their lives; for, if the gentleman who paid for the privilege
+of the shot missed his rabbit (which was within the bounds of
+probability) the other guns were at once discharged, and the dogs
+of Town and Gown let slip. And, if any rabbit was nimble and
+fortunate enough to run this gauntlet
+with the loss of only a tail or ear, and, Galatea-like,</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Scene from one of William Brown's shooting parties***"
+src="images/VG306-1.JPG" /></p>
+<center>"fugit ad salices,"</center>
+<p>and rushed into the willow-girt ditches, it speedily fell before
+the clubs of the "cads," who were there to watch, and profit by the
+sports of their more aristocratic neighbours. <font color=
+"#FF0000">[40]</font></p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[40] "The Vice-Chancellor, by the direction of the Hebdomadal
+Council, has issued a notice against the practice of
+pigeon-shooting, etc., in the neighbourhood of the University." -
+<i>Oxford Intelligence</i>, Decr. 1854.<br />
+-=-</font></p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green would also study the news of the day, in the
+floating reading-room of the University Barge; and, from these
+comfortable quarters, indite a letter to Miss Patty, and look out
+upon the picturesque river with its moving life of eights and
+four-oars sweeping past with measured stroke. A great feature of
+the river picture, just about this time, was the crowd of newly
+introduced canoes; their occupants, in every variety of
+bright-coloured shirts and caps, flashing up and down a double
+paddle, the ends of which were painted in gay colours, or
+emblazoned with the owner's crest. But Mr. Verdant Green, with a
+due regard for his own preservation from drowning, was content with
+looking at these cranky canoes, as they flitted, like gaudy
+dragon-flies, over the surface of the water.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG in the reading-room of the University Barge***" src=
+"images/VG306-2.JPG" /></p>
+<p>Fain would the writer of these pages linger over these memoirs
+of Mr. Verdant Green. Fain would he tell how his hero
+did many things that might be thought
+worthy of mention, besides those which have been already
+chronicled; but, this narrative has already reached its assigned
+limits, and, even a historian must submit to be kept within
+reasonable bounds.</p>
+<p>The Dramatist has the privilege of escaping many difficulties,
+and passing swiftly over confusing details, by the simple
+intimation, that "An interval of twenty years is supposed to take
+place between the Acts." Suffice it, therefore, for Mr. Verdant
+Green's historian, to avail himself of this dramatic art, and, in a
+very few sentences, to pass over the varied events of two years, in
+order that he may arrive at a most important passage in his hero's
+career.</p>
+<p>The Grind came off without Mr. Verdant Green being enabled to
+communicate to Miss Patty Honeywood, that he was the winner of a
+silver cup. Indeed, he did not arrive at the winning post until
+half an hour after it had been first reached by Mr. Four-in-hand
+Fosbrooke on his horse <i>Tearaway</i>; for, after narrowly
+escaping a blow from the hatchet of an irate agriculturist who
+professed great displeasure at any one presuming to come a
+galloperin' and a tromplin' over his fences, Mr. Verdant Green
+finally "came to grief," by being flung into a disagreeably-moist
+ditch. And though, for that evening, he forgot his troubles, in the
+jovial dinner that took place at <i>the Red Lion</i>, yet, the next
+morning, they were immensely aggravated, when the Tutor told them
+that he had heard of the steeple-chase, and should expel every
+gentleman who had taken part in it. The Tutor, however, relented,
+and did not carry out his threat; though Mr. Verdant Green suffered
+almost as much as if he had really kept it.</p>
+<p>The infatuated Mr. Bouncer madly persisted (despite the
+entreaties and remonstrances of his friends) in going into the
+Schools clad in his examination coat, and padded over with a host
+of crams. His fate was a warning that similar offenders should lay
+to heart, and profit by; for the little gentleman was again
+plucked. Although he was grieved at this on "the Mum's" account,
+his mercurial temperament enabled him to thoroughly enjoy the
+Christmas vacation at the Manor Green, where were again gathered
+together the same party who had met there the previous Christmas.
+The cheerful society of Miss Fanny Green did much, probably,
+towards restoring Mr. Bouncer to his usual happy frame of mind;
+and, after Christmas, he gladly returned to his beloved Oxford,
+leaving Brazenface, and migrating ("through circumstances over
+which he had no control," as he said) to "the Tavern." But when the
+time for his examination drew on, the little gentleman was seized
+with such trepidation, and "funked" so greatly, that he came to the
+resolution not to trouble the Examiners again, and to dispense with
+the honours of a Degree. And so, at length, greatly to Mr. Verdant
+Green's sorrow, and "regretted by all that knew him," Mr. Bouncer
+sounded his final octaves and went the complete unicorn for the
+last time in a College quad, and gave his last Wine (wherein he
+produced some "very old port, my teacakes! - I've had it since last
+term!") and then, as an undergraduate, bade his last farewell to
+Oxford, with the parting declaration, that, though he had not taken
+his Degree, yet that he had got through with great <i>credit</i>,
+for that he had left behind him a heap of unpaid bills.</p>
+<p>By this time, or shortly after, many of Mr. Verdant Green's
+earliest friends had taken their Degrees, and had left College; and
+their places were occupied by a new set of men, among whom our hero
+found many pleasant companions, whose names and titles need not be
+recorded here.</p>
+<p>When June had come, there was a "grand Commemoration," and this
+was quite a sufficient reason that the Miss Honeywoods should take
+their first peep at Oxford, at so favourable an opportunity.
+Accordingly there they came, together with the Squire, and were met
+by a portion of Mr. Verdant Green's family, and by Mr. Bouncer; and
+there were they duly taken to all the lions, and initiated into
+some of the mysteries of College life. Miss Patty was enchanted
+with everything that she saw - even carrying her admiration to
+Verdant's undergraduate's gown - and was proudly escorted from
+College to College by her enamoured swain.</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"Pleasant it was, when woods were green,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>And winds were soft and low,"</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>when in a House-boat, and in four-oars, they made an expedition
+("a wine and water party," as Mr. Bouncer called it) to Nuneham,
+and, after safely passing through the perils of the pound-locks of
+Iffley and Sandford, arrived at the pretty thatched cottage, and
+pic-nic'd in the round-house, and strolled through the nut
+plantations up to Carfax hill, to see the glorious view of Oxford,
+and looked at the Conduit, and Bab's-tree, and
+paced over the little rustic bridge to the
+island, where Verdant and Patty talked as lovers love to talk.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Thatched cottage near Sandford***" src=
+"images/VG308.JPG" /></p>
+<p>Then did Mr. Verdant Green accompany his lady-love to
+Northumberland; from whence, after spending a pleasant month that,
+all too quickly, came to an end, he departed
+(<i>via</i>Warwickshire) for a continental tour, which he took in
+the company of Mr. and Mrs. Charles Larkyns (<i>nee</i> Mary
+Green), who were there for the honeymoon.</p>
+<p>Then he returned to Oxford; and when the month of May had again
+come round, he went in for his Degree examination. He passed with
+flying colours, and was duly presented with that much-prized shabby
+piece of paper, on which was printed and written the following
+brief form:-</p>
+<br />
+<p>Green Verdant e Coll. AEn. Fac. <i>Die 28&deg; Mensis</i> Maii
+<i>Anni</i> 185-</p>
+<p><i>Examinatus, prout Statuta requirunt, satisfecit nobis
+Examinatoribus.</i></p>
+<center>
+<table border="0">
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td></td>
+<td>{J. Smith</td>
+<td>}</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Ita testamur</td>
+<td></td>
+<td>{Gul. Brown}</td>
+<td>} Examinatores in</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td></td>
+<td>{Jac. L. Jones</td>
+<td>} Literis Humanio-</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td></td>
+<td>{R. Robinson</td>
+<td>} ribus</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>Owing to Mr. Verdant Green having entered upon residence at the
+time of his matriculation, he was obliged, for the present, to
+defer the putting on of his gown, and, consequently, of arriving at
+the <i>full</i> dignity of a Bachelor of Arts. Nevertheless, he had
+taken his Degree <i>de facto</i>, if not <i>de jure</i>; and he,
+therefore - for reasons which will appear - gave the usual Degree
+dinner, on the day of his taking his Testamur.</p>
+<p>He also cleared his rooms, giving some of his things away,
+sending others to Richards's sale-rooms, and resigning his china
+and glass to the inexorable Mr. Robert Filcher, who would forthwith
+dispose of these gifts (much over their cost price) to the next
+Freshman who came under his care.</p>
+<p>Moreover, as the adorning of College chimney-pieces with the
+photographic portraits of all the owner's College friends, had just
+then come into fashion, Mr. Verdant Green's beaming countenance and
+spectacles were daguerreotyped in every variety of Ethiopian
+distortion; and, being enclosed in miniature frames, were
+distributed as souvenirs among his admiring friends.</p>
+<p>Then, Mr. Verdant Green went down to Warwickshire; and, within
+three months, travelled up to Northumberland on a special
+mission.</p>
+<a name="ch3.13" id="ch3.13"></a>
+<p><a href="#contents3">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h3>CHAPTER THE LAST.</h3>
+<h4>MR. VERDANT GREEN IS MARRIED AND DONE FOR.</h4>
+<p>LASTHOPE'S ruined Church, since it had become a ruin - which was
+many a long year ago - had never held within its mouldering walls
+so numerous a congregation as was assembled therein on one
+particular September morning, somewhere about the middle of the
+present century. It must be confessed that this unusual assemblage
+had not been drawn together to see and hear the officiating
+Clergyman (who had never, at any time, been a special attraction),
+although that ecclesiastical Ruin was present, and looked almost
+picturesque in the unwonted glories of a clean surplice and white
+kid gloves. But, this decorative appearance of the Ruin, coupled
+with the fact that it was made on a week-day, was a sufficient
+proof that no ordinary circumstance had brought about this goodly
+assemblage.</p>
+<p>At length, after much expectant waiting, those on the outside of
+the Church discerned the figure of small Jock Muir mounted on his
+highly trained donkey, and galloping along at a tearing pace from
+the direction of Honeywood Hall. It soon became evident that he was
+the advance guard of two carriages that were being rapidly whirled
+along the rough road that led by the rocky banks of the Swirl.
+Before small Jock drew rein, he had struggled to relieve his own
+excitement, and that of the crowd, by pointing to the carriages and
+shouting, "Yon's the greums, wi' the t'other priest!" the
+correctness of which assertion was speedily manifested by the
+arrival of the "grooms" in question, who were none other than Mr.
+Verdant Green and Mr. Frederick Delaval, accompanied by the Rev.
+Mr. Larkyns (who was to "assist" at the ceremony) and their "best
+men," who were Mr. Bouncer and a cousin of Frederick Delaval's.
+Which quintet of gentlemen at once went into the Church, and
+commenced a whispered conversation with the ecclesiastical Ruin.
+These circumstances, taken in conjunction with the gorgeous attire
+of the gentlemen, their white gloves, their waistcoats "equal to
+any emergency" (as Mr. Bouncer had observed), and the bows of white
+satin ribbon that gave a festive appearance to themselves, their
+carriage-horses, and postilions - sufficiently proclaimed the fact
+that a wedding - and that, too, a double one - was at hand.</p>
+<p>The assembled crowd had now sufficient to engage their
+attention, by the approach of a very special train of carriages,
+that was brought to a grand termination by two
+travelling-carriages, respectively drawn by four greys, which were
+decorated with flowers and white ribbons, and were bestridden by
+gay postilions in gold-tasseled caps and scarlet jackets. No wonder
+that so unusual a procession should have attracted such an
+assemblage; no wonder that Old Andrew Graham (who was there with
+his well-favoured daughters) should pronounce it "a brae sight for
+weak een."</p>
+<p>As the clatter of the carriages announced their near approach to
+Lasthope Church, Mr. Verdant Green - who had been in the highest
+state of excitement, and had distractedly occupied himself in
+looking at his watch to see if it was twelve o'clock; in arranging
+his Oxford-blue tie; in futilely endeavouring to button his gloves;
+in getting ready, for the fiftieth time, the gratuity that should
+make the Ruin's heart to leap for joy; in longing for brandy and
+water; and in attending to the highly-out-of-place advice of Mr.
+Bouncer, relative to the sustaining of his "pecker" - Mr. Verdant
+Green was thereupon seized with the fearful apprehension that he
+had lost the ring; and, after an agonizing and trembling search in
+all his pockets, was only relieved by finding it in his glove
+(where he had put it for safety) just as the double bridal
+procession entered the church.</p>
+<p>Of the proceedings of the next hour or two, Mr. Verdant Green
+never had a clear perception. He had a dreamy idea of seeing a bevy
+of ladies and gentlemen pouring into the church, in a mingled
+stream of bright-coloured silks and satins, and dark-coloured
+broadcloths, and lace, and ribbons, and mantles, and opera cloaks,
+and bouquets; and, that this bright stream, followed by a rush of
+dark shepherd's-plaid waves, surged up the aisle, and, dividing
+confusedly, shot out from their centre a blue coat and brass
+buttons (in which, by the way, was Mr. Honeywood), on the arms of
+which were hanging two white-robed figures, partially shrouded with
+Honiton-lace veils, and crowned with orange blossoms.</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green has a dim remembrance of the party being
+marshalled to their places by a confused clerk, who assigned the
+wrong brides to the wrong bridegrooms, and appeared excessively
+anxious that his mistake should not be corrected. Mr. Verdant Green
+also had an idea that he himself was in that state of mind in which
+he would passively have allowed himself to be united to Miss Kitty
+Honeywood, or to Miss Letitia Jane Morkin (who was one of Miss
+Patty's bridesmaids), or to Mrs. Hannah More, or to the Hottentot
+Venus, or to any one in the female shape who might have thought
+proper to take his bride's place. Mr. Verdant Green also had a
+general recollection of making responses, and feeling much as he
+did when in for his <i>viva voce</i> examination at college; and of
+experiencing a difficulty when called upon to place the ring on one
+of the fingers of the white hand held forth to him, and of his
+probable selection of the thumb for the ring's resting place, had
+not the bride considerately poked out the proper finger, and
+assisted him to place the golden circlet in its assigned position.
+Mr. Verdant Green had also a misty idea that the service terminated
+with kisses, tears, and congratulations; and, that there was a
+great deal of writing and signing of names in two
+documentary-looking books; and that he had mingled feelings that it
+was all over, that he was made very happy, and that he wished he
+could forthwith project himself into the middle of the next
+week.</p>
+<p>Mr. Verdant Green had also a dozy idea that he was guided into a
+carriage by a hand that lay lovingly upon his arm; and, that he
+shook a variety of less delicate hands that there were thrust out
+to him in hearty northern fashion; and, that the two cracked old
+bells of Lasthope Church made a lunatic attempt to ring a wedding
+peal, and only succeeded in producing music like to that which
+attends the hiving of bees; and, that he jumped into the carriage,
+amid a burst of cheering and God-blessings; and, that he heard the
+carriage-steps and door shut to with a clang; and that he felt a
+sensation of being whirled on by moving figures, and sliding
+scenery; and, that he found the carriage tenanted by one other
+person, and that person, his WIFE.</p>
+<p>"My darling wife! My dearest wife! My own wife!" It was all that
+his heart could find to say. It was sufficient, for the present, to
+ring the tuneful changes on that novel word, and to clasp the
+little hand that trembled under its load of happiness, and to press
+that little magic circle, out of which the necromancy of Marriage
+should conjure such wonders and delights.</p>
+<p>The wedding breakfast - which was attended, among others, by Mr.
+and Mrs. Poletiss (<i>nee</i> Morkins), and by Charles Larkyns and
+his wife, who was now</p>
+<center>
+<table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
+<tr>
+<td>"The mother of the sweetest little maid</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>That ever crow'd for kisses,"-</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+<p>the wedding breakfast, notwithstanding that it was such a
+substantial reality, appeared to Mr. Verdant Green's bewildered
+mind to resemble somewhat the pageant of a dream. There was the
+usual spasmodic gaiety of conversation that is inherent to bridal
+banquets, and toasts were proclaimed and honoured, and speeches
+were made - indeed, he himself made one, of which he could not
+recall a word. Sufficient let it be for our present purpose,
+therefore, to briefly record the speech of Mr. Bouncer, who was
+deputed to return thanks for the duplicate bodies of
+bridesmaids.</p>
+<p>Mr. Bouncer (who with some difficulty checked his propensity to
+indulge in Oriental figurativeness of expression) was understood to
+observe, that on interesting occasions like the present, it was the
+custom for the youngest groomsman to return thanks on behalf of the
+bridesmaids; and that he, not being the youngest, had considered
+himself safe from this onerous duty. For though the task was a
+pleasing one, yet it was one of fearful responsibility. It was
+usually regarded as a sufficiently difficult and hazardous
+experiment, when one single gentleman attempted to express the
+sentiments of one single lady; but when, as in the present case,
+there were ten single ladies, whose unknown opinions had to be
+conveyed through the medium of one single gentleman, then the
+experiment became one from which the boldest heart might well
+shrink. He confessed that he experienced these emotions of timidity
+on the present occasion. (<i>Cries of "Oh!"</i>) He felt, that to
+adequately discharge the duties entrusted would require the might
+of an engine of ten-bridesmaid power. He would say more, but his
+feelings overcame him. (<i>Renewed cries of "Oh!"</i>) Under these
+circumstances he thought that he had better take his leave of the
+subject, convinced that the reply to the toast would be most
+eloquently conveyed by the speaking eyes of the ten blooming
+bridesmaids. (<i>Mr. Bouncer resumes his seat amid great
+approbation.</i>)</p>
+<p>Then the brides disappeared, and after a time made their
+re-appearance in travelling dresses. Then there were tears and
+"doubtful joys," and blessings, and farewells, and the departure of
+the two carriages-and-four (under a brisk fire of old shoes) to the
+nearest railway station, from whence the happy couples set out, the
+one for Paris, the other for the Cumberland Lakes; and it was amid
+those romantic lakes, with their mountains and waterfalls, that Mr.
+Verdant Green sipped the sweets of the honeymoon, and realized the
+stupendous fact that he was a married man.</p>
+<hr width="30%" />
+<p>The honeymoon had barely passed, and November had come, when Mr.
+Verdant Green was again to be seen in Oxford - a bachelor only in
+the University sense of the term, for his wife was with him, and
+they had rooms in the High Street. Mr. Bouncer was also there, and
+had prevailed upon Verdant to invite his sister Fanny to join them
+and be properly chaperoned by Mrs. Verdant. For, that wedding-day
+in Northumberland had put an effectual stop to the little
+gentleman's determination to refrain from the wedded state, and he
+could now say with Benedick, "When I said I would die a bachelor, I
+did not think I should live till I were married." But Miss Fanny
+Green had looked so particularly charming in her bridesmaid's
+dress, that little Mr. Bouncer was inspired with the notable idea,
+that he should like to see her playing first fiddle, and attired in
+the still more interesting costume of a bride. On communicating
+this inspiration (couched, it must be confessed, in rather
+extraordinary language) to Miss Fanny, he found that the young lady
+was far from averse to assisting him to carry out his idea; and in
+further conversation with her, it was settled that she should
+follow the example of her sister Helen (who was "engaged" to the
+Rev. Josiah Meek, now the rector of a Worcestershire parish), and
+consider herself as "engaged" to Mr. Bouncer. Which facetious idea
+of the little gentleman's was rendered the more amusing from its
+being accepted and agreed to by the young lady's parents and "the
+Mum." So here was Mr. Bouncer again in Oxford, an "engaged" man, in
+company with the object of his affections, both being prepared as
+soon as possible to follow the example of Mr. and Mrs. Verdant
+Green.</p>
+<p>Before Verdant could "put on his gown," certain preliminaries
+had to be observed. First, he had to call, as a matter of courtesy,
+on the head of his College, to whom he had to show his Testamur,
+and whose formal permission he requested that he might put on his
+gown.</p>
+<p>"Oh yes!" replied Dr. Portman, in his monosyllabic tones, as
+though he were reading aloud from a child's primer; "oh yes,
+cer-tain-ly! I was de-light-ed to know that you had pass-ed and
+that you have been such a cred-it to your col-lege. You will
+o-blige me, if you please, by pre-sent-ing your-self to the Dean of
+Arts." And then Dr. Portman shook hands with Verdant, wished him
+good morning, and resumed his favourite study of the Greek
+particles.</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: VG preparatory to his degree conferral in Convocation House***"
+src="images/VG314.JPG" /></p>
+<p>Then, at an appointed hour in the evening, Verdant, in company
+with other men of his college, went to the Dean of Arts, who heard
+them read through the Thirty-nine Articles, and dismissed them with
+this parting intimation - "Now, gentlemen!
+I shall expect to see you at the Divinity School in the morning at
+ten o'clock. You must come with your bands and gown, and fees; and
+be sure, gentlemen, that you do not forget the fees!"</p>
+<p>So in the morning Verdant takes Patty to the Schools, and
+commits her to the charge of Mr. Bouncer, who conducts her and Miss
+Fanny to one of the raised seats in the Convocation House, from
+whence they will have a good view of the conferring of Degrees. Mr.
+Verdant Green finds the precincts of the Schools tenanted by droves
+of college Butlers, Porters, and Scouts, hanging about for the
+usual fees and old gowns, and carrying blue bags, in which are the
+new gowns. Then - having seen that Mr. Robert Filcher is in
+attendance with his own particular gown - he struggles through the
+Pig-market, <font color="#FF0000">[41]</font> thronged with
+bustling Bedels and University Marshals, and other officials. Then,
+as opportunity offers, he presents himself to the senior Squire
+Bedel in Arts, George Valentine Cox, Esq., who sits behind a table,
+and, in his polite and scholarly manner, puts the usual questions
+to him, and permits him, on the due payment of all the fees, to
+write his name in a large book, and to place "Fil. Gen."
+<font color="#FF0000">[42]</font> after his autograph. Then he has
+to wait some time until the superior Degrees are conferred, and the
+Doctors and Masters have taken their seats, and the Proctors have
+made their apparently insane promenade. <font color=
+"#FF0000">[43]</font></p>
+<p><font color="#FF0000">---<br />
+[41] The derivation of this word has already been given. See Part I, Note #4<br />
+[42] i.e., Filius Generosi - the son of a gentleman of independent
+means.<br />
+[43]See Part I, Note #17
+<br /></font></p>
+<p>Then the Deans come into the ante-chamber to see if the men of
+their respective Colleges are duly present, properly dressed, and
+have faithfully paid the fees. Then, when the Deans, having
+satisfactorily ascertained these facts, have gone back again into
+the Convocation House, the Yeoman Bedel rushes forth with his
+silver "poker," and summons all the Bachelors, in a very
+precipitate and far from impressive manner, with "Now, then,
+gentlemen! please all of you to come in! you're wanted!" Then the
+Bachelors enter the Convocation House in a troop, and stand in the
+area, in front of the Vice-Chancellor and the two Proctors. Then
+are these young men duly quizzed by the strangers present,
+especially by the young ladies, who, besides noticing their own
+friends, amuse themselves by picking out such as they suppose to
+have been reading men, fast men, or slow men - taking the face as
+the index of the mind. We may be sure that there is a young married
+lady present who does not indulge in futile speculations of this
+sort, but fixes her whole attention on the figure of Mr. Verdant
+Green.</p>
+<p>Then the Bedel comes with a pile of Testaments, and gives one to
+each man; Dr. Bliss, the Registrar of the University, administers
+to them the oath, and they kiss the book. Then the Deans present
+them to the Vice-Chancellor in a short Latin form; and then the
+Vice-Chancellor, standing up uncovered, with the Proctors standing
+on either side, addresses them in these words: "Domini, ego admitto
+vos ad lectionem cujuslibet libri Logices Aristotelis; et insuper
+earum Artium, quas et quatenus per Statuta audivisse tenemini;
+insuper autoritate mea et totius universitatis, do vobis potestatem
+intrandi scholas, legendi, disputandi, et reliqua omnia faciendi,
+quae ad gradum Baccalaurei in Artibus spectant."</p>
+<p>When the Vice-Chancellor has spoken these remarkable words
+which, after three years of university reading and expense, grant
+so much that has not been asked or wished for, the newly-made
+Bachelors rush out of the Convocation House in wild confusion, and
+stand on one side to allow the Vice-Chancellarian procession to
+pass. Then, on emerging from the Pig-market, they hear St. Mary's
+bells, which sound to them sweeter than ever.
+</p>
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: The degrees are conferred in Convocation House***" src=
+"images/VG316.JPG" /></p>
+<p>Mrs. Verdant Green is especially delighted with her husband's
+voluminous bachelor's gown and white-furred hood (articles which
+Mr. Robert Filcher, when helping to put them on his master in the
+ante-chamber, had declared to be "the most becomingest things as
+was ever wore on a gentleman's shoulders"), and forthwith carries
+him off to be photographed while the gloss of his new glory is yet
+upon him. Of course, Mr. Verdant Green and all the new Bachelors
+are most profusely "capped;" and, of course, all this servile
+homage - although appreciated at its full worth, and repaid by
+shillings and quarts of buttery beer - of course it is most
+grateful to the feelings, and is as delightfully intoxicating to
+the imagination as any incense of flattery can be.</p>
+<p>What a pride does Mr. Verdant Green feel as he takes his bride
+through the streets of his beautiful Oxford! how complacently he
+conducts her to lunch at the confectioner's who had supplied
+<i>their</i> wedding-cake! how he escorts her (under the pretence
+of making purchases) to every shop at which he has dealt, that he
+may gratify his innocent vanity in showing off his charming bride!
+how boldly he catches at the merest college acquaintance, solely
+that he may have the proud pleasure of introducing "My wife!"</p>
+<p>But what said Mrs. Tester, the bed-maker? "Law bless you, sir!"
+said that estimable lady, dabbing her curtseys where there were
+stops, like the beats of a conductor's <i>baton</i> - "Law bless
+you, sir! I've bin a wife meself, sir. And I knows your
+feelings."</p>
+<p>And what said Mr. Robert Filcher? "Mr. Verdant Green," said he,
+"I'm sorry as how you've done with Oxford, sir, and that we're
+agoing to lose you. And this I <i>will</i> say, sir! if ever there
+was a gentleman I were sorry to part with, it's you, sir. But I
+hopes, sir, that you've got a wife as'll be a good wife to you,
+sir; and make you ten times happier than you've been in Oxford,
+sir!"</p>
+<p>And so say we.</p>
+
+<p align="center"><img alt=
+"***Image: Cherub burns academic cap/mortar-board, Oxford spires in background***"
+src="images/VG317.JPG" /></p>
+<br />
+<p align="center"><b>THE END</b></p>
+<br />
+<hr width="60%" />
+<br />
+<br />
+<p><a href="#contents3">Back to Contents</a></p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Adventures of Mr. Verdant Green,
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+</body>
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author	Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org>	2025-10-15 05:23:55 -0700
committer	Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org>	2025-10-15 05:23:55 -0700
commit	bfab18a2a6a0e75d2974ce1f3c29d227b07d7ae3 (patch)
tree	9a83205e0986655ac8be5648547c844ad4f6476a /4644-h