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diff --git a/45648.txt b/45648.txt deleted file mode 100644 index f747792..0000000 --- a/45648.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,10947 +0,0 @@ - LADY PENELOPE - - - - -This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at -http://www.gutenberg.org/license. If you are not located in the United -States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you are -located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Lady Penelope -Author: Morley Roberts -Release Date: May 14, 2014 [EBook #45648] -Language: English -Character set encoding: US-ASCII - - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LADY PENELOPE *** - - - - -Produced by Al Haines. - - - - -[Illustration: Cover art] - - - - -[Illustration: LADY PENELOPE BRADING Who had ideas of her own] - - - - - Lady Penelope - - - By - - Morley Roberts - - _Author of_ "Rachel Marr," "The Promotion of - the Admiral," etc. - - - - _Illustrated by_ - Arthur William Brown - - - - L. C. Page & Company - _Boston_ - _Mdccccv_ - - - - - _Copyright, 1904, 1903_ - BY L. C. PAGE & COMPANY - (INCORPORATED) - - _All rights reserved_ - - - Published February, 1905 - - _COLONIAL PRESS - Electrotyped and Printed by C. H. Simonds & Co. - Boston, Mass., U.S.A._ - - - - - *LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS* - - -LADY PENELOPE BRADING . . . . . . . . . _Frontispiece_ - Who had ideas of her own. - -CAPTAIN PLANTAGENET GOBY, V.C., LATE OF THE GUARDS - Who was ordered to read poetry. - -LEOPOLD NORFOLK GORDON - Some said his real name was Isaac Levi. - -AUSTIN DE VERE - He wrote poetry, and abhorred bulldogs and motor-cars. - -THE MARQUIS DE RIVAULX - Anti-Semite to his manicured finger-tips. - -RUFUS Q. PLANT - Born in Virginia. - -CARTERET WILLIAMS, WAR CORRESPONDENT - He wrote with a red picturesqueness which was horribly - attractive. - -JIMMY CAREW, A.R.A. - He was the best looking of the whole "horde" - -THE EARL OF PULBOROUGH - Clever; but indolent. - - - - - *LADY PENELOPE* - - - - *CHAPTER I.* - - -All the absurd birthday celebrations were over, and Penelope was -twenty-one. - -She declared that her whole life was to be devoted to reform. She meant -to reform society, to make it good and useful and straightforward, and -simple and utterly delightful. - -She let it be understood that men were in great need of her particular -attention. They were too selfish and self-centred, too extravagant, too -critical of each other, too vain. They acknowledged it humbly when she -mentioned it, for Lady Penelope Brading's beauty was something to see -and to talk of; major and minor poets agreed about it; artists desired -to paint her and failed, as they always do when true loveliness shines -on them. She had the colour of a Titian; the contours of a Correggio; -the witchery of a Reynolds, and under wonderful raiment the muscles of a -young Greek athlete. She wiped out any society in which she moved. -When sweet Eclipse showed herself, the rest were nowhere. The other -girls did not exist; she even made married beauties quake; as for the -men, they endured everything she said, and worshipped her all the more. -She was strange and new and a tonic. She had no sense of humour -whatsoever; she could not understand a joke even if it was explained by -an expert on the staff of _Punch_. This made her utterly delightful. -Her beautiful seriousness was as refreshing as logic in a sermon. She -believed in clergymen, in politicians, in the Deceased Wife's Sister, in -all eminent physicians, in the London County Council, in the City of -Westminster, in the British Constitution, in herself, and hygiene. She -read the _Times_, the _Athenaeum_, the Encyclopaedia Britannica, Herbert -Spencer, Mr. Kidd, and the late Mr. Drummond. She used Sandow's -exercises and cold water. She was opposed to war; she admired the -leader of the opposition and the lord mayor; she subscribed to a society -for establishing a national theatre to play Mr. Bernard Shaw's -tragedies, and to the nearest hospital. She was the most delightful -person in England, and was against vaccination. She had money and lands -and houses and ideas. - -"We ought all to do something; to be something," said Lady Penelope -Brading. - -It was an amazing statement, a shocking statement, and clean against all -class tradition when she interpreted it to the alarmed. Was it not to -be something if one was rich, let us say? Was it not to do something if -one spent one's money on horses and sport and dress and bridge? Heaven -defend us all if anything more is asked of man or woman than killing -time and killing beasts! Hands went up to heaven when Penelope -preached. - -Not that she preached at length. Her sermons lasted five seconds by any -clock, save at the times when she warmed her ankles by the fire with -some pet friend of hers, and took into consideration how she was to use -her power for the regeneration of the world which was hers. Now she was -with Ethel Mytton, a remote relative of the celebrated Mytton who drank -eight bottles of port a day, and was a sportsman of the character which -makes all Englishmen prouder of sport than of their history. Ten -thousand on a football field would put him higher than Sir Richard -Grenville. Sidney was a fool to him. Her father was a cabinet -minister. - -But Ethel was meek and mild, and followed Penelope at a humble distance, -modelling herself on that sweet mould of revolution. So might a penny -candle imitate an arc-light; so a glowworm worship the big moon. - -"But you'll get married, dear," said Ethel, "of course you'll get -married." - -Penelope was pensive. - -"There are other things than marriage," said Penelope. - -"Oh, are there?" sighed Ethel. She did not think so, for she was in -love. Penelope loved theories best. - -"Which of them will you marry?" asked Ethel. - -"Which what?" - -"Silly, them," said Ethel. "What the duchess calls your 'horde.'" - -"I don't know," replied Penelope. "I'm like Diogenes, and I'm looking -for an honest man." - -"Oh, honesty,--yes, of course, I know what you mean. But there are -plenty of them, Pen dear. - -"Boo!" said Pen; "so the other Greeks said to the man in the tub." - -Ethel sighed. - -"What Greeks and what man in what tub?" she inquired, plaintively. - -And Penelope did not enlighten her darkness, for in came the Duchess of -Goring, her aunt, whose Christian name was Titania. She weighed sixteen -stone in glittering bead armour, and had a voice exactly like Rose Le -Clerc's in "The Duchess of Bayswater." She rarely stopped talking, and -was ridiculously moral and conventional, and, except for her voice, she -might have been a shopkeeper's wife in any suburb. - -"My dear Penelope," said Titania, "I'm glad to see you again. You look -positively sweet, my darling, after all these parties and carryings-on, -and what not, and now at last you are quite grown up and yourself and -your own and twenty-one. I wish I was. I was nine stone then -exactly,--not a pound more. Oh, and it's you, Ethel. I hope your dear -papa is not overworking himself, now he's a cabinet minister. Cabinet -ministers will overwork themselves. I've known them die of it. Tell -him what I say, will you? But of course he will pay no attention, and -in time will die like the rest. It's no use advising men to be sensible. -I've given it up. Ah, here at last is Lord Bradstock." - -Titania flowed on wonderfully; she flowed exactly like the twisting -piece of glass in a mechanical clock which mimics a jet of water. She -turned round and never advanced. But Augustin, Lord Bradstock, was as -calm as a mill-pond, as a mere in the mountains. He was tall and thin -and ruddy and white-haired at fifty. He had been twice a widower. - -"Why at last, Titania?" he yawned, as he stood with Penelope's hand in -his. He was still her guardian in his heart, though she was out of -tutelage. - -"I say at last, Augustin, because you were not here before me," cried -Titania. "And I expected you to be here before me from what you said -this morning. I told you I meant to come in and speak quietly and -seriously to Penelope, and you said you would come, too." - -Penelope's eyes thanked her guardian, and they smiled at him -half-secretly, saying as plain as any words: "What a dear you are to -come in and dilute aunty for me!" - -"Yes," said Bradstock, "I think I said I would prepare her." - -"I've not had a single chance lately to say a word for her good," cried -Titania, "what with this person and that person and the horde. I think -it is time now, Penelope, that you reorganized your amazing circle of -acquaintances, mostly men, by the way. While Augustin was responsible -for you, of course you were obstinate, but now you are in a position of -greater freedom you will see the advisability of being guided by your -aunt. I'm sure, I'm positive of it." - -Now the real sore point with the duchess was this matter of the "horde." -It was the only picturesque phrase she ever invented in her life, and -without any doubt it did characterize in some measure the remarkable -collection of men who were pretenders to Penelope's hand and fortune. - -"Out of the entire, the entire--" - -"Caboodle," said Bradstock, suggestively. - -The duchess shook her head like a horse in fly-time. - -"No, Augustin, not caboodle; pray, what is caboodle? Out of the -entire--lot, Penelope, there are hardly three who belong to your class. -I entreat you to go through them and dismiss those of whom we can't -approve, I and Lord Bradstock." - -"Don't drag me in," said Bradstock. "They are all very good fellows; I -approve of them all." - -"Tut, tut," said Titania, "is this the way you help, Augustin? You are -a hindrance. I believe it is entirely owing to you that Penelope has -these strange and alarming ideas. Yes, my dear, I'm afraid it is. He -is not the kind of man who should have been your guardian. I ought to -have been consulted. I knew a bishop who would have been admirable, -most admirable. He's dead, dear man, and the present one is a scandal -to the Protestant Church, what with incense and processions and candles -and confession-boxes. But, as I was saying, I do hope you will dismiss -some of these men. And I hope you will be sensible and not say shocking -things. No one should say shocking things till they are married, and -even then with discretion. Socialism and reform and marriage! Dear me, -you really must not talk about marriage, but you must get married to a -suitable person. I'm sure, Augustin, we should have no insuperable -objection to, let us say, young Bramber. He'll be an earl by and by. -And you mustn't talk about reforming society, my dear love. It is quite -impossible to reform society without abolishing it, my pet. Ethel -darling, many cabinet ministers have owned as much to me with much -alarm, almost with tears. It's no use trying. Tell your dear father -so, Ethel. I forgot to mention it the other day when we discussed the -London County Council and its terrible extravagance compared with the -economy of the government. We talked, too, about the War Office, and I -told him that it couldn't be reformed without abolishing it, which was -not to be thought of for an instant. What should we do without a War -Office, as we are always fighting? He sighed deeply, poor man. Dr. -Lumsden Griff says sighing is cardiac in its origin, and I wish your -father would see him, Ethel. He's the first doctor in London for the -ventricles of the heart. So every one says. But about your ideas, -Penelope--" - -"Good heavens, aunty, I haven't any left," said Penelope. This was not -in the least surprising, for Titania reduced any ordinary gathering to -idiocy at the shortest notice. - -"Oh, but you have," said Titania, "and society cannot endure ideas, my -love. Anything but ideas, darling." - -"Well, well," sighed Bradstock, "what is the use of talking to her, -Titania? Pen is Pen, and there's an end of it." - -"I wish there was," cried the duchess. "But she rails against marriage. -And she's only twenty-one. Dear, dear me!" - -"She pays too much attention to you married women," said Bradstock. -"How's the duke, by the way?" - -As the duke was engaged in running two theatres at the same time, not -wholly in the interests of art or finance, Bradstock might have asked -after his health at some other juncture. Titania ignored him. - -"She rails against marriage," lamented Titania. - -"I don't," said Penelope. - -"You do," said her aunt. - -"It's only the horrible publicity," said Penelope, "and the way things -are done, and the ghastly presents and the bishops and the newspaper men -and the horrible crowd outside and the worse crowd inside, and all the -horrid fluff and flummery of it. If I'm ever married, I'll get it done -in a registrar's office." - -"Oh, Penelope," wailed Ethel. - -But Titania became terrible. - -"You shall not be, Penelope," she cried. "I could not stand it. As -your aunt, my dear-- Oh, my love, I knew some one who was married in -that way, and it was a most shocking affair, and of course it turned out -that he had been married before and was a bigamist. The scandal was -hushed up, and the first wife, who was the sweetest girl, and died of -consumption shortly afterward at her father's vicarage in Kent or -Yorkshire, near Pevensey or Pontefract; at any rate it began with a P, -and the man, though a villain, was a gentleman, for he married the -second one all over again in a foreign place, with a chaplain -officiating; much better than a registrar, who can marry you, I'm told, -in pajamas if he likes, though not like a bishop, which one might have -expected in his case. You all knew him slightly, at any rate. Never, -my dear, get married at a registrar's." - -"It's better than the open shame of a cathedral and a bishop," said -Penelope. "Being married is one's private business, and it's nothing -but horrid savagery to have crowds there!" - -"Bravo!" said Bradstock, and Titania turned on him. - -"Did I not say all this was your fault, Augustin? You were no more fit -to be her guardian than you are to be Archbishop of Canterbury. Am I a -savage, Penelope? and did I not get married in a cathedral, a most -beautiful cathedral, all Gothic and newly restored at a vast expense? -My dear, I am amazed and horrified and shocked to think that you should -not perceive the quite exquisite fitness of being married in a piece of -lovely Gothic architecture, to the very loveliest music, breathing over -Eden, and so on, while all your dearest friends shed tears of purest -joy--" - -"To see her got rid of," said Bradstock. - -And even Ethel Mytton laughed. - -"Augustin! Ethel Mytton! How can you say such things and laugh? It's -wicked; it's indecent!" - -"Yes," said Penelope, "that's what I say. There's nothing to choose -between your way and the American way the millionaire women have over -there, when they hold a flower-show in a gilded room, and get married -under a bell of roses at the cost of a hundred thousand dollars. I'd -rather be knocked down by a nice savage, or run away with by a viking, -or caught by a pirate. I won't be breathed over in Eden by a stuffy -crowd. If--if--" - -"Oh, if what?" gasped Titania. - -"If I ever do get married," said Penelope, "I'll never tell any of you -beforehand!" - -"Good heavens!" said the duchess, "you won't tell us?" - -"I won't." - -"You'll let us find out! Shall I know nothing of the marriage of my -brother's child till I read it in the _Times_? It shall not be! -Augustin, does she mean it?" - -Augustin lighted a cigarette and walked to the window, which looked down -on the traffic of Piccadilly. - -"I give it up," said Augustin. "When could I answer riddles? Do you -mean it, Pen?" - -And Penelope, rising up, stood on the hearthrug and, looking like the -descendant of a viking and some fair Venetian, declared that she did -mean it. And she further went on to say, in great haste and with a most -remarkable flow of words, that it shouldn't be in the _Times_ or any -other paper. And she said that if Titania, Duchess of Goring, was her -aunt, it couldn't be helped, and that her principles were more to her -than any one's approval. Though she loved her aunt and her dear sweet -guardian, these same principles were even dearer than they were. And -she said that they had no principles ("not even Guardy dear"), and that -they only thought of a demon thing called Society, which was at once a -fetich and a phantom. And she became so excited that she talked like a -real woman orator upon a platform, and expressed her intention of using -her influence to bring about reform, especially in such matters and with -regard to young men who did nothing, and seemed to think they had been -created for that very purpose. And, as she talked, there wasn't a man -in the world who would not have yearned to take his coat off and ask for -a pick and shovel at the least, for she was as beautiful as any young -goddess fresh from Grecian foam or from high Olympus. Even Bradstock -sighed to think that he had never done anything for the human race, -which required so much help, but sit in the Upper House, a speechless -phantom. And Ethel Mytton cried with an imparted enthusiasm, while the -duchess wept with horror. - -"And more than that," said Penelope, who broke down in her eloquence and -resorted to the tone of conversation, "more than that, I'll never, never -let you know whom I marry! I mean it! That--that's flat!" - -And after this damp but awful peroration, she sat down with heaving -bosom, and poor, bewildered Titania shook her head till it looked as if -it would come off. She found no flow of words to oppose Penelope with. -The biggest river is nothing when it flows into the sea, and, if Titania -was the Amazon, Pen was the South Atlantic. - -"Not who he is?" said the duchess, as feebly as if she were no more than -a brook in a meadow. - -"I will not," said Penelope, like a sea in a cyclone. - -"Not-- Oh, I must go home," piped Titania. "Augustin, she's capable of -marrying a chauffeur, because he can drive at sixty miles an -hour,--or--or a groom!" - -"I'd rather marry either or both," said Pen, furiously, "than be mobbed -and musicked into matrimony with a grinning crowd of idiots looking on." - -"This is immoral," said Titania, "it's very immoral; you couldn't marry -both. I'll go home, Bradstock." - -And Bradstock took her there. - -"You've done it, Titania," he said, as they drove. "She's as obstinate -and as violent as a passive resister. You've put her bristles up, and -Pen never goes back from what she says." - -"You are very like a man, Augustin," sobbed the duchess. - -"She's more like a woman than I'm like a man," growled Bradstock. - -He had never risen to eminence, and only once to his feet in the Upper -House, and sometimes this rankled. - -"Yes, I mean it, I mean it," said Penelope. - -"And I wanted to be your bridesmaid," sobbed Ethel. - -"You never will be, and you can tell every one what I say." - -"I won't," said Ethel, "I won't." - -And she went away and told them. - - - - - *CHAPTER II.* - - -In spite of what good conventional people said, there was nothing -abnormal in Penelope's character. The walking world appears abnormal to -an institute for cripples; good going is an absurdity, and as for -running-- The truth is that Penelope, by some unimaginable freak of -fortune, had been born quite sound and sane, barring her one lack, that -of humour. The providential death of her parents at an early age saved -her from a deal of teaching. Bradstock saved her from a great deal more, -and she saw to the rest. It pleased Augustin, Lord Bradstock, to play -with gunpowder, in spite of what he said about dynamite. He encouraged -her to trust to herself in a way that every well-regulated woman -considered highly dangerous, and he used to enrage her in order to hear -what she had to say to him. There was a period in which she swore -vigorously. She learnt her language from an old stableman, who adored -her even more than he did any horse. This was at the age of three. Her -first interview with her aunt, the Duchess of Goring, was positively so -shocking to Titania, who was mid-Victorian, and never got over it, that -the poor thing almost fainted when Penelope, a shining brat of three, -damned her eyes with terrific vigour. Goring, who was that very curious -and absurd survival of a thousand ages, known as a sportsman, roared -with laughter. There was humanity in him. There was none in Titania, -though there might have been if she had married any one but a duke. And -Penelope damned her eyes for saying she mustn't go to the stables -without a retinue, an escort, a bodyguard of footmen and nurses and -governesses. - -"I haven't a governeth now," lisped Penelope. "I thacked the latht one, -didn't I, Bradstock?" - -Lady Bradstock, number two, was then reigning without governing as far -as Bradstock was concerned, and governing without reigning as far as -another was concerned, and she paid no attention to Penelope, except to -encourage her to amuse her guardian. Thus Penelope grew like a tree in -the open, and there were no Dutch gardeners to clip her. At fifteen she -greeted her last governess, a lady of great learning and no ability, -with the news that she had had her luggage got ready, and that there was -the carriage at the door for her. There is no defending such conduct. -Pen never defended it herself in later years. She acknowledged she had -been a brute to Miss Mackarness, and gave her a position as housekeeper -in one of her own houses, that she never visited, with permission to -receive the shillings some visitors paid to see a mansion like a -sarcophagus, with one treasure of a Turner in it. - -The trouble was that Penelope was natural. She had not been trained to -become so; she grew so. There is no more painful and laborious a process -than to learn to be natural in later life. But to grow like it! Ah, -that was splendid, and many unthinking people laughed to hear Pen when -she swore, or cried, or begged for pardon, or dominated the whole little -world around her. The world indeed smiled on Pen, and now she was -twenty-one and splendid, mobile, gracious, Venetian, strong, and as rich -as an American heiress, and she already had as many wooers as Penelope -of old. But the little bow of Cupid was too much for them. Other -defence was too good. And now these strange notions grew up in her. -There was some natural shame in her heart that the crowd of duchesses -and what not could not understand. When He came at last, riding -gallantly, a brave male, virile, strong, and bold, armed in shining -armour, should she lead him out into Piccadilly, investing him in a -frock coat for his armour and a cylinder for his helmet, and marry him -in a crowd, while a paid organist played something about Eden? Oh, -where was Eden? - -Here's romance then, and in a new guise in a young woman. For the true -romantic age is the age of feminine desperation. When one has been -"taught" all one's best years, it's hard to be romantic till one wears -through one's fetters at the very foot of the scaffold, when it's too -late. How many sweet women sour in cream-jugs, and escape the cat, or -some roaring lion, for nothing but sourest contemplation. They crowd -feminine churches. - -Pen's brother, or, rather, half-brother, was ten years her senior, and -played a suitable part in the orchestra of the House of Lords as Lord -Brading. He voted for the government when it was conservative, and -against it when it was liberal with perfect certainty and good-will. -There was nothing remarkable about Brading but the strange, almost -awestruck admiration with which he worshipped Penelope. A man even of -the most absurd conservative solidity must be a radical and an anarchist -somewhere, and indeed he pretended to be something of a socialist. -Nevertheless, he had humour. Brading thought his half-sister a wonder, -and had no criticism for her. Indeed it is believed that he helped the -groom mentioned above to teach her unrefinements of the English language -peculiarly shocking to early and mid Victorians. But in his heart -"Bill" Brading considered Pen's mother accounted for, excused -everything. The last Lady Brading was an American who wallowed in -money, which she invested in repairing her husband's character and his -castles. When he died, and nothing could be done for his character but -suppress biographers, she invested in ancient demesnes on Pen's behalf, -and bought her rat-riddled and ghost-haunted mansions of historic -character till there were few (and among them Penelope could not be -counted) who could tell how many of them she owned. Then Lady Brading -went to a newer world than the United States, and left Pen to the care -of Augustin, Lord Bradstock, a man of brains and no voice when on his -legs. It is reported that he learnt a speech of his own composing by -heart, and when he rose to deliver it all he said was, "Good God," in an -astonished whisper, and collapsed, struck by a form of paralysis which -rarely attacks fools and which bores cannot suffer from. - -Penelope was richer than her half-brother, for her mother, having paid -her husband's debts, rebuilt Brading House, and saved his life from -being written after a very quiet and gentlemanly departure, considered -she had done her duty to the family. She left her stepson five thousand -pounds, it is true, and, with a want of ostentation not peculiarly -American, she left another five to Penelope, and modestly made her -residuary legatee. The residue was considerably over a million dollars. -And then there were the houses, most of them ineligible properties in -ring-fences, fit for immediate occupation after they had been restored. -For poor Lady Brading had a passion for ruins, and collected castles as -some do bric-a-brac. The two great griefs of her life were that she -could not buy Haddon Hall and Arundel Castle. - -Well, there is the situation plainly outlined. Pen was as savage as -Pocahontas, so some said, and she could, an she liked, wallow in money. -She owned property all over England, to say nothing of a chateau near -Tours, a palazzo in Venice, and a building in New York which brought in -more than the rest cost to keep up. She had a brother, a peer with a -voice, a guardian a peer without one, an aunt who was a duchess, and -strange ideas of her own which got up and talked on the most unsuitable -occasions. - -But then there was her beauty as clamant as a rose of fire, as sweet as -violet or verbena! The rose can be gilded it seems, like a lily, and -the gold was a power to her, giving authority over men. She who had -enough to command the work of many thousands at current wages (for this -is money truly) commanded that strange respect for power as well as love -for herself. Her lovers were numberless, so people said, and there was -this truth in their being beyond arithmetic that no one troubled to -count them. Marriageable beauties of a lesser order of loveliness -prayed for her extinction in matrimony. Mothers of the marriageable -prayed for it with a fervour only equalled by the fervour of her -hopeless lovers, if there can be fervour without hope. It is the -command of true beauty that it can. Had not all the painters, all the -sculptors, from Pheidias down to the unselected classics of our own -time, met together when she rose, a newer Aphrodite from the sea of the -unknown! Her loveliness was sweet and intolerable; one ached at it. -Cowards shrank from it. Brave men cried for her. There are strange -tales! - -What a strange motley gathering she selected. They had one thing in -common, to be discovered shortly, one would think. She discovered their -qualities by inspection. Many would-bes she drove away overcliff. She -knew men of many classes adored her, wondering and humble. One great -lover of hers, who was very good to horses, and only reasonably bitter -against motor-cars, was her groom, Timothy Bunting. He didn't know he -loved her. Indeed, he imagined he loved her maid. But there is this -quality in a great love, that it asks all or nothing. Tim was perhaps -as great as the greatest, but he rode behind her even when the Marquis -de Rivaulx or Rufus Q. Plant rode alongside her with a quiet and -unjealous mind. There was much in Timothy, as much or more than there -was in the French marquis, who rode "well enough," as Tim said, or as in -Plant, who rode "all over 'is 'orse," as became one bred in Arizona. -These must show themselves by and by. They had the quality, at any -rate. Even Tim knew it. - -But what was it that gave permission to Mr. Austin de Vere to join the -throng? He wrote poetry. He followed her as close as a rhyme in a -couplet. He never wrote her any, for which she was pleased to be -flatteringly thankful. There are some things that cannot be set down in -verse even by the greatest, and the poet De Vere acknowledged this -humbly. He had the character of being the most conceited and -immitigable ass in England, and when he was with Penelope he was as -humble as a puppy in leash. There was something great in his mighty -subjection. Not even Goby, late of the Guards, was so mitigable and so -mitigated when Pen was by. And Goby's V.C. was almost as much valued by -him as his clothes and boots. He gained it by a fit of angry rage, such -as had led him to pay several sovereigns at a desk in a back office at a -police-station, and came out of his temper to discover he was a hero. -So much for luck when a big man, with the quality and temper of a bull, -gets into a row in a sangar without any police to stay his hand. - -"As for that De Vere," said Goby, "why, I could crush him with one -hand." - -"And he could make you sore with a few words," said Penelope. - -"He couldn't," bragged Goby. - -Penelope smiled. - -"No, perhaps he couldn't," she said, pensively, and Goby was pleased -with her opinion of his bull's hide. Europa had at any rate scratched -him. He indicated the sea of matrimony with inarticulate bellows. But -of course he was really quite possible. As Chloe Cadwallader said, his -boots were inspiration, polished, and his Christian name was -Plantagenet. He had some obscure right to it. - -Then there was Lord Bramber. Some folks said if she married any one, -she would marry Bramber, because his father was the Earl of Pulborough. -They forgot all the rest of the aristocratic mob. If any title pleased -her democratic soul, she could pick strawberries. One senile and one -merely silly duke pursued her panting. But she certainly liked Bramber, -and showed her partiality for him or her unpartiality with frankness. -She had hopes of him, though he appeared hopeless now at the age of -twenty-seven. She maintained that men were half their age and women -twice it, at the least. - -"Dear Titania is ninety," said Penelope, "and Guardy is twenty-five. -Lord Bramber will perhaps think of doing some work when he is fifteen." - -There came with these, with and not after, Jimmy Carew, who was an -A.R.A. He painted portraits, and talked about art with eloquence till -no one, even an artist, could guess what he meant. But he believed -things with such faith that many of his fair sitters agreed with him. -He was the best looking of the whole "horde," as Titania called Pen's -adorers. - -The "horde" included Leopold Norfolk Gordon, who had a house in Park -Lane and ever so many people's money to keep it up with. As may be -guessed from his name, he was a Jew. Several people, with whom he could -not share the money he had acquired by unsullied dishonesty, said his -real name was Isaac Levi. Goby, who hated him bitterly, consoled him -when a less successful Israelite called him "Ikey," at Ascot, by saying: - -"It's damned hard lines, Gordon. A man may be born in Whitechapel -without being a Jew." - -So near may insolence come to wit. When this was pointed out to Goby, -he told the story everywhere with many chuckles. But it was impossible -to deny certain attributes to poor Gordon, whether his name was Levi or -Moses, or Ehrenbreitstein, for that matter. Penelope had no racial -prejudices, and anti-Semitism was unnatural and abhorrent to her. She -said things about negroes to Rufus Q. Plant (born in Virginia) which -made his flesh creep almost as badly as if he had been born in Delaware. -So in spite of Gordon's looking somewhat Semitic, she asserted there -were the qualities she required in the poor man, who indeed was not -bumptious or loud or peculiarly offensive in her presence. He that -stole millions feared a girl. He polished his last week's hat with -trembling hands, that had signed death-warrants in the city, when he -spoke with her. - -And to round off the "horde" with another sample, there came in Carteret -Williams. He was the biggest of the lot, and had a voice like a -toastmaster's, or that of the man who announces the train at Zurich. It -is worth going there to hear him, by the way. Many good Americans -travel for less. Williams was a writer, a journalist, a -war-correspondent, or, as he said, a "battle vulture." When he could -dip his pen in blood, he wrote with a red picturesqueness which was -horribly attractive. He belonged to a very decent family, and took to -his present trade by nature. That gives some hint of why Penelope liked -him. - -What was the secret, then, the secret that brought young Bramber, and -Rufus Quintus Plant, and "Ikey Levi," alias Leopold Norfolk Gordon, and -Captain Plantagenet Goby, and the verse-making De Vere, together with -the Marquis de Rivaulx and Jimmy Carew, under one table-cloth, so to -speak, at the Tattenham Corner of wooing? Some said Penelope wouldn't -have anything to do with any one who was not a Man. It is true she -abhorred those who were not men; but so much depends upon a definition. -In the West (and the East, for that matter) a Man goes for what he is -worth, and is common currency, as he should be, and a "White Man" is the -gold. To be called a White Man is the true compliment, and -implies,--well, it implies what the "horde" implied. They were men and -Man, and "White," so Penelope said when she had picked up the -picturesque figure from Rufus Q. Plant. They might be asses (and some -were, or at least mules), but they meant to run straight. They were -lazy, or some were, but the laziest lay under the delusion that laziness -was their godlike duty. They needed the spur. They might be brutes in -the way of business (you should read what has been written in a New York -paper about Plant, or hear what a certain disembowelled set in the city -say of Gordon, who turned them inside out), but they played the game. -They knew what cricket was, even when it was played with red-hot shot, -and not to carry one's bat meant blue ruin. After saying that they were -all this, which implies they were men of honour, each according to the -code of their fellows (for this is honour), I shall show you how they -came, or how many of them came, to utter grief in curious ways under -very odd stresses. What can a man of honour do in an entirely new -position, one not provided for in any code? It would puzzle a jury of -archangels to say. - -"Have you heard?" asked Goby, with wondering eyes. - -"What she says?" replied Gordon. - -"Shade of Titian!" cried Jimmy Carew. - -"Well, I'm damned!" said Carteret Williams. - -"This is romance," sighed the De Vere. - -"I'm--I'm--that's what I am," whistled Rufus Q. Plant. - -"Imphm!" murmured Lord Bramber. - -"Sapristi!" shrieked the French marquis. - -Wasn't it enough to make them exclaim when it was reported all over -London, and in the country, and in papers and cables to New York that -Penelope Brading had sworn, with a great oath, that she meant to upset -the holy apple-cart of all tradition (at least since Adam) by never -letting any one know who her husband was! They knew her, and knew her -word was sacred. Now let all unwhite men, all unrealities, all ghosts, -all vain folks vanish one by one. - -With one voice the "horde" exclaimed, as they set their teeth: - -"Well, we don't care!" - -What does this say for Penelope's faculties of distinguishing men from -monkeys, and white from gray? - - - - - *CHAPTER III.* - - -All that happened now only shows one how the greatest sense of modesty -may end in the biggest advertisement. Penelope, though determined to do -her duty, which was mainly to educate mankind, meant doing it -unobtrusively, and there was not a man or woman in the British Isles or -in the United States who did not hear of her quiet intention. The -cables hummed with Penelope's name; it was whispered in the great deeps -of the sea; wireless telegraphists caught Lady Penelope Brading out of -Hertzian waves; ships ploughed the ocean laden with Penelope and copy -about her. - -In two twos the notoriety hunters in London sank into insignificance; -professional beauties were neglected, and the sale of their photographs -fell off. There was an immense demand for Penelope's, which, luckily, no -one could satisfy until an enterprising New Yorker flooded the United -States with portraits. Before it was found out that this particular -photograph was one of a young actress whom he proposed introducing to -the public shortly, he sold amazing quantities of them. When there was -one in every inquiring household from Hudson Bay to the Gulf of Mexico, -the real sitter for it wrote to the papers and complained bitterly. She -is now playing to crowded houses. There are many paths to fame. - -Poor Pen was at first horribly shocked. She was young. And yet she was -human. She said: "Oh, dear, oh, dear!" and, swearing that she would -never read a word about herself, she subscribed to a newspaper cutting -agency. - -From the New York papers alone one could cull a highly coloured account -of her whole history. And they gave Bradstock's history, too, not -omitting his two-word exclamatory speech in the House of Lords. -Bradstock stood it like a Trojan, like a Spartan. He never turned a -hair even when they said that he was going to marry Penelope himself. -They gave a full biography of Titania, with a real photograph. When the -duchess saw it, she was silent for full five minutes, such was the shock -it gave her. Then she talked for five hours, and called on the American -ambassador. - -"Cannot you do anything for me?" asked Titania, perorating. - -"I'm afraid not, your Grace," said the ambassador, wearily. He said it -was an awful thing to be an ambassador sometimes, though it had its -points. - -Being discomfited for once by an ambassador, she turned on Bradstock, -and rent him limb from limb. And then she went to Penelope. - -"I'm only doing my duty," said Penelope, with her beautiful lips as firm -as Grecian marble. - -"Your duty!" shrieked the duchess; "and look at the papers!" - -"I can't help what they say, aunt. One's duty--" - -"They tell my weight," said Titania. "How did they know?" - -"They must have guessed it," said Penelope. - -"I don't _look_ it," pleaded the duchess, now suddenly plaintive. - -"No, no, dear auntie, you don't," said poor Penelope. "Oh, it's cruel -of them." - -"Help me, then," said Titania. "Get married at once in a cathedral, and -all this will stop. I'll ask the dear archbishop to officiate, -Penelope. Oh, my darling!" - -But Penelope became Pentelican marble again; she froze into a severe -goddess, and she saw Titania weep. - -"It's scandalous! Oh, and they have a list of them all," said Titania. - -Indeed, the _New York Dustman_ had the "horde" set out in a row like the -entries for the Derby. They said the betting was on Rufus Q. Plant, of -course. They gave a short and succulent biography of them all. They -headed the list "The Lady Penelope Handicap." They used some slang -about "weight for age." - -"Great heavens!" said Titania, "all town is ringing with it. If this is -the result of looking on marriage as one's private business, give me -publicity!" - -There would have been less of it if a prince had married a publican's -daughter in St. Paul's, and had presented the dean with a set of pewter -pots. - -"And if she does what she says!" - -The only men who did not talk much about Penelope were naturally those -who aspired to win her. Every one neglected politics and sport to -discuss her. She became politics and sport. Huge sums of money were at -stake as to whether she would keep her word; as to the length of time -she would keep the secret, and as to who the man was to be. There were -public and private books made on the series of events. And there was a -Penelope party and an opposition. Many young people who were -revolutionary in their sentiments said she was right. There was a -Penelope Cave in the House of Commons. Some of those who fought year in -and year out for the Deceased Wife's Sister backed her up. It was -whispered that the prince was a Penelopian; two princesses threatened -with objectionable persons of the royal blood were heard to observe that -there was something in what she said. Penelope was within measurable -distance of becoming a national, or even an international, question. -Mrs. X. wrote an article in the _Fortnightly_ on "Secret Marriage in -History." Mr. Z. sat down and wrote a novel, bristling with "wit and -epigram," in ten days, which ran into the third edition of two hundred -and fifty copies in thirty. It was said that questions were to be asked -in the House. A play on the subject was forbidden by the lord -chamberlain. The wittiest article on the subject was written by a Mr. -Shaw. He argued that no really beautiful woman had any right to be -married at all. He said plaintively that it wasn't fair, and convinced -the ugly in two syllogisms. - -And, as the result of this, Penelope went away into the country, though -it was May, with Ethel Mytton and Mrs. Cadwallader, who was called -Chloe, and stood by Pen remorselessly in every difficulty. For Pen had -helped her out of an awful mess, the history of which would make a whole -story of itself. As a result of it, Cadwallader was in the Rocky -Mountains shooting, and a certain young soldier was taking too much -liquor and too little quinine in Nigeria, and Chloe got her diamonds -back from Messrs. Attenborough, and was eternally grateful to Penelope -in consequence. - -"And I shall send for them one by one," said Penelope. "They can come -down by the ten o'clock train from Paddington, and go back by the five -o'clock one from here. And after lunch I shall explain my ideas to -them." - -"And I'll be with you," said Chloe, who was as dark-locked as a raven's -wing. - -"Oh, I don't mind," said Penelope; "of course you will. I'm too young, -am I not, to be left alone, Chloe? Is it true, Chloe, that the older a -woman gets the bigger fool she is?" - -Chloe said it was true. - -"I'll ask Titania to let Bob come over," said Penelope. "He's the -wisest person I know." - -Bob was Titania's grandson, and was certainly young enough to be wise, -as he was only fourteen. He had been sent to three of the great public -schools, and had been taken away because of his fighting capabilities. -He never knew when he had enough, and it is quite impossible to keep a -boy at any school if he breaks out of bounds to fight some young butcher -or baker in a back alley at least once a week. Now he had a tutor who -had been an amateur boxer of great merit. It began to take the tutor -all his time to handle his pupil. But if Bob was knocked endways about -three times a week, it sobered him and made him do his work. He did not -yet know whether he wanted to be a prize-fighter or the -commander-in-chief. But he loved Penelope. - -"I'll send for Bob," said Penelope. - -And Bob came with Mr. Guthrie, his tutor, and Titania was glad to get -rid of him for a time. - -"Oh, Pen," said Bob, "how jolly kind of you to ask me. I'm sick of -grandmother; she worries me to death. Always says, 'Robert, you -mustn't.' I say, have you read Kip's 'Cat that Walked by Himself'? Mr. -Guthrie says it's splendid, and I say it's rot. But old Guth likes -Virgil and Horace. Isn't that strange, for he can box like anything. -Baker, the groom, says he can. And Baker's awful good with the mitts. -But I say, Pen, what's all this about you in the papers? Grandmother -wails when she sees one now. I ain't sure I like having you so much in -the papers, Pen." - -"I don't like it, either," said Penelope, "but I can't help it." - -"Is it true that you're going to be married and never tell any one?" -demanded Bob from the bottom of a huge rocking-chair, as they sat on the -lawn. They were in one of Pen's habitable houses, and the lawn ran down -to the Thames. - -"I won't if I don't want to," said Penelope. "But you're a boy, Bob, and -don't understand these things." - -Bob snorted and smiled, not unsubtly. - -"Oh, Pen, don't be like grandmother. I understand pretty nearly -everything now. Granny's always saying that, and it's jolly rot. You -can't be like me, turned out of three schools, and not know something. -Are you going to get married soon?" - -Pen shook her head. - -"She's very savage at your knowing that Jew cad, Gordon, but grandfather -isn't. He says that Gordon may be a Jew, of course, but he's all right. -I asked him if I could get put on a board as a director, and he was so -mad with me. I think Gordon's asked him to be a director, and he'd like -to only he daren't. He's got none too much money, you know, Pen. But -about all these chaps, Pen?" - -He went through the horde seriatim, and pronounced upon them all with -ineffable wisdom. - -"Goby's an ass, but a good ass, Pen," he said, as he kicked with his -legs. "He gave me a thick-un a year ago when I was in difficulties. -But he hasn't the brains to make a good corporal. Baker says that. -Baker was a sergeant in the Dublin Fusiliers. I like Plant, though, Pen. -Baker says he rides in a rummy fashion, more like a circus man than -anything else, but he can stick to a horse. And there's your Frenchman. -I say, how does he come to be called Rivaulx? Was he called after -Rivaulx in Yorkshire, or was it called after him? Ask him if he shoots -larks in his native country. All Frenchmen do, old Guth says. He says -he read a book the other day in which a French priest says he never sees -a lark without wanting to shoot it. What a miserable rotter, wasn't he? -But Rivaulx isn't so bad, though. He's a gentleman, at any rate, though -he is French. I say, why do foreigners never look like gentlemen? -Dashed if I know. I've often wondered, because grandfather likes them, -through his having been an ambassador. Sometimes a German does, though. -And Bramber's all right, Pen. I don't think I'd mind your marrying him." - -"I won't marry any one who isn't a useful citizen," said Pen. - -"He's all right," urged Bob. "He's as strong as a bull. Baker says -he'd peel better than most prize-fighters. What is a useful citizen? I -say, if you get married, you'll tell me who it is?" - -"No," said Penelope. - -"I call that mean," said Bob. "I'd not tell any one, and I'd help like -fun." - -"I'm sure you would, Bob. But I may never get married." - -"Rot," said Bob, "a girl like you not get married! Oh, I say!" - -And he continued to say for some hours, and proved himself most -entertaining company, quoting Baker, who had been a sergeant in the -Dublin Fusiliers, and had been very severely knocked about by Jem Mace, -and appealing to Mr. Guthrie, who came over with him to get him to look -at a book in the mornings, to back him up. He was really very modest -and gentlemanly, at the same time that he was exceedingly bumptious and -arrogant, after the best manner of the extremely healthy English boy. - -And at twelve o'clock he came running to Penelope and Chloe by the -river-bank in wild excitement. - -"I say, Pen, I say, Pen, there's old Goby coming, and with that -miserable rotter who makes poetry. What's brought 'em here?" - -"I asked them to lunch," said Pen. - -"Eh, what?" cried Bob. "Goby and that rotter, Austin de Vere! I say, -Mr. Guthrie--" - -He ran off to Guthrie, bawling: - -"I say, Mr. Guthrie, here's that poet chap, Austin de Vere, come. -Didn't you say he mostly wrote rot?" - -And Goby and De Vere came across the lawn together, like a mastiff and a -Maltese in company. They made each other as nervous as cats, and -couldn't for their lives understand why they were asked together. - -"The clumsy brute," said De Vere. - -"The verse-making monkey," said Goby. - -But tailors could have admired them both. They were perfect. And lunch -was a most painful function, only endurable to Penelope because she was -on the track of her duty, and to Chloe because she laughed internally, -and to Mr. Guthrie (who was really a clever man) because he liked to -study men and manners, and to Bob because he talked all the time, owing -to the silence of the others. - -"I say, Captain Goby, I've got a splendid bull-pup. Baker got him for -me, cheap, for a quid,--a sovereign, I mean. You remember Baker. He -was a sergeant,--oh, I told you that just now. Do you like bulldogs, Mr. -de Vere?" - -De Vere was politely sulky. - -"Bulldogs, oh, ah, well, I do not know that I do." - -He looked at Goby, who was also sulky and feeling very much out of it. -But the subject of bulldogs appealed to him, because he saw it didn't -amuse his rival. - -"I'll give you a real good pup, Bob," he said, good-naturedly; "one that -no one could get for a sovereign. - -"A real pedigree pup?" - -"With a pedigree as long as your own," said Goby. - -Bob sighed, and laid his hand on Goby's. - -"I say, Pen, isn't Captain Goby a real good 'un?" he asked. "Baker -says--" - -But what Baker said does not come into this history, as the lunch -finished, and they all went into the garden. Goby spoke to Bob as they -went out. - -"I say, Bob, get hold of that ass De Vere, and talk to him as hard as -the very deuce, will you?" - -"You meant that about the pup?" said Bob. - -"Of course, Bob." - -"I'll talk his beastly head off," said Bob. - -And this was why Penelope spoke confidentially to Captain Goby before -she did so to the poet. She was exceedingly pale and very dignified, -but she lost no time in getting to the point. - -"Captain Goby," she said, "you have asked me to marry you at least three -times." - -Goby sighed. - -"Is it only three?" he demanded, and he added, firmly, "it will be more -yet." - -"And I said 'no' because I had no idea of marrying any one." - -"That was rot," said Goby. "For, if you married no one else, you would -marry me." - -"Certainly not as you are," retorted Penelope. "I want you and all men -(that I know) to reform." - -Goby was not astonished at anything Penelope said. - -"I reformed long ago," he said. "As soon as I saw you, I said I'd -reform and I did. It was a great deal of trouble, but I did it. Oh, -you've no idea how I suffered. But I said, 'Plantagenet, my boy, if you -are to be worthy, you must buck up!'" - -This was encouraging. - -"I'm glad I've had so much influence," said Pen, who didn't quite know -what his reforms had been. "But there are other things. This is merely -negative. What are you doing to be useful to the state? Are you loafing -about on your money? Do you do any work? Are you educating yourself?" - -Goby gasped. - -"I say, come, Lady Penelope, I've done all that! Education! why, I had a -horrid time at school and at a crammer's--" - -"Do you read?" asked Pen, severely. - -"Why, of course," said Goby. - -"What?" - -Goby rubbed his cropped hair with two fingers. - -"Papers?" - -"Anything?" said Pen. - -"Well, I read the _Sportsman_ and the _Pink Un_ (at least, I did before -I reformed) and the _Referee_," said Goby. - -"Books?" - -"Not many," said Goby. "But I will. What do you recommend?" - -"I think Tennyson and Shelley would do you good," said Pen, "but you had -better ask Mr. de Vere. And do you do anything useful?" - -"De Vere! Oh, Lord!" cried Goby. "Anything useful? Why, I was in the -army--" - -"And now you do nothing. Well," said Penelope, "I think you had better -begin at once. Any man I know has to do something useful. You must go -to the War Office and ask to be made something again. I think a -colonelcy of a militia regiment would suit you. And I am going to ask -Mr. de Vere to take an interest in your reading." - -"The devil!" said Goby. "I say, my dear Lady Penelope, I can't stand -him. Why, you may have seen we are barely civil to each other." - -"I shall speak to him firmly," said Penelope, "and it's for his good, -too. He leads an unhealthy indoor life. I want you to change all that. -You row a great deal still, don't you?" - -"Since I reformed I began again," said Goby. He felt the muscles of his -right arm with complacency. - -"Take him out and make him row, then," said Pen, "and while he rows you -can read poetry to him, and so on. It will be good for both of you." - -"But--" said Goby. - -"Yes?" - -"If I do this, will you marry me?" - -Penelope shook her head. - -"If you do it, I'll think whether I'll marry you." - -"Oh," said the soldier, "and if I just can't hit it off with that poet?" - -"Then I won't think about it," replied Pen. "I'll never, never consider -the possibility of marrying any one who isn't leading a useful life, and -educating himself, and living on less than a thousand a year. Can you -do that, too?" - -"Dashed if I see how it can be done," said Plantagenet Goby. "But I'll -try, oh, yes, I'll try." - -"Now you talk to Chloe," said Penelope, and she went away to the rescue -of the poet. For Bob had got him in a corner. - -[Illustration: CAPTAIN PLANTAGENET GOBY, V.C., LATE OF THE GUARDS. Who -was ordered to read poetry] - -"I say, Mr. de Vere, wasn't that ripping of old Goby to say he'd give me -a real pedigree bull-pup? He knows a bull-pup from a window-shutter, as -Baker says. You don't like them? No, but you would if you had one. I -feed mine myself, and I wear thick gloves, so's not to get hydrophobia -when he bites. He's a most interesting dog, and not so good-tempered as -most bulldogs. When he sees a cat, oh, my, it's fun! Look here, when -Goby gives me the new pup with the pedigree, you can have mine, if you -like, cheap. I know you have a place in the country, and you must want -a bulldog. Will you buy him?" - -"Good heavens, no!" said the poet. - -"Humph!" cried Bob, who of course had quite forgotten that he was doing -all this for Goby, and was just enjoying himself. "Why, what do you do -in the country without a dog? Do you ride?" - -"No," said De Vere. - -"Well, of all--I say, Mr. de Vere, what do you do? Do you walk about -and make poetry, and do you like making it? Old Guth, I mean Mr. -Guthrie, he's my tutor, and he's over there talking to Mrs. Cadwallader, -he reads a lot, and some of yours, too." - -"Oh, does he!" said De Vere, who began to take some interest. "Does -he?" - -"Oh, a lot of yours, he says; most of it, I think." - -"And does he like it?" - -Bob put his head on one side. - -"Well, he says it's not bad, some of it." - -De Vere flinched at this faint praise. - -"Indeed! And what does he like best?" he asked. - -"Oh, the beastliest rot," returned Bob, "Browning and Shelley, and I -say, do you see that bulge in his pocket? That's Catullus. He reads -him all day. But here comes Pen. I say, won't you have my bull-pup? -I'll let you have him for half a sovereign; I got him for a sovereign, -at least, Baker did. _I_ think your poetry's very fine, sir; Mr. -Guthrie lent me some." - -But Penelope came across the lawn, and De Vere forgot Bob and the -bull-pup, and fell down and worshipped. And the goddess took hold of -him, and stripped a lot of his poetry away, and set a few facts before -him and made him gasp. - -"I heard a very strange rumour, Lady Penelope," he said, when he was -once more standing upright before Aphrodite. "I heard--oh, but it was -absurd! I can't believe it." - -"Then it is probably true," said the goddess, breathlessly, "for I mean -to have my own way and to initiate a reform in marriages, Mr. de Vere. I -have been reading the accounts of some fashionable weddings lately, and -they made me ill. What you have heard is quite true." - -The poet shook his head. - -"I have had the honour to beg you to believe a thousand times that I am -devoted to you--" - -"Three times, I think," said Pen, who was good at arithmetic. - -"Is it only thrice? But do I understand that, if I were to have the -inexpressible delight of winning your love, Lady Penelope, that the -marriage would be a secret one, that no one would know of it?" - -"I mean that," said Penelope, enthusiastically. "It is a new departure, -an assertion of a just individualism, although I am a socialist. I -abhor ceremonies, and will not be interfered with. I have stated with -the utmost clarity to all my relations that I shall not consult them or -let them know until I choose, and I shall only get married (if I ever -do) on these terms." - -"I agree to them," said the poet. "Lady Penelope, will you do me the -inexpressible honour to be my wife?" - -"Oh, dear, no," said Pen. "Why, certainly not, Mr. de Vere. I don't -love any one yet, and perhaps I never shall. But what I say is this: -I'll think as to whether I shall marry you if you do as I wish about -this matter and about others." - -"My blessed lady," said the poet, "is there anything I would not dare or -do?" - -"I've told Captain Goby exactly the same thing," said Penelope, thereby -putting her pretty foot upon the sudden flowers of De Vere's -imagination, "and what I want of you is to be more an out-of-door man. -You live too much in rooms, hothouses, Mr. de Vere, and in your own -garden." - -"I was in a garden, I a poet, with one who was (oh, and is) an angel," -said De Vere, "but now I dwell in arid deserts, shall I say the Desert -of Gobi? What have I to do with him? Shall he dare to pretend to you, -dear lady?" - -"He's a very good chap," said Pen, quite shortly, "and I think it would -do you good to associate with him more. I've told him so, and he -agrees. I want you to make him read a little, and exercise his -imagination. And he can take you out rowing and shooting perhaps, and I -think a little hunting wouldn't do you harm. You might ask him to stay -with you, and he'll ask you. And I want you to go out in motor-cars." - -"Good heavens!" said De Vere. - -"I know it will be hard," said Pen, consolingly. "But you know what I -want. It's not enough to be rich and write poetry, Mr. de Vere. I -think you might read statistics; statistics are a tonic, and I want you -to be a useful citizen, too. There are things to be done. Just look at -my cousin Bob. Now he'll be a splendid man." - -"He wanted to sell me a bull-pup," murmured the poet. - -"He's a good boy," said Pen, affectionately, "and his instincts are to -be trusted. I think a bulldog would do you good perhaps. And I shall -expect to hear you have asked Captain Goby to stay with you. And don't -forget the statistics." - -"I'll do it," said the unhappy poet, "for while the One Hope I have -exists, and until 'vain desire at last and vain regret go hand in hand -to death,' I am your slave." - -And, as he went away, he called Bob to him. - -"I'll give you half a sovereign for that bulldog," he said, bitterly. - -"Oh, I say. But Baker says he's worth two sovereigns," cried Bob. - -"I'll give you two," said the poet. - -And Bob danced on the lawn. - - - - - *CHAPTER IV.* - - -If Penelope had had any sense of humour, she would have deprived the -round world of much to laugh at in sad times, when laughter was wanted. -But thanks be to whatever gods there are, some folks have no humour, and -some have a little, and a few much, and thus the world gets on in spite -of the spirit of gravity, which, as may be remembered by students of -philosophy, Nietzsche branded as the enemy. Pen went ahead, bent on -cutting her own swath in the hay-field, and she cut a big one. Goby and -the poet must stand as exemplars of her clear and childlike method. It -was Pen's Short Way with Her Lovers. She got Rivaulx, who was -Nationalist and Anti-Semite to his manicured finger-tips, and had been -mixed up in the Dreyfus case, and set him cheek by jowl with Gordon, -alias Isaac Levi. - -She made them dine together in public, and the poor marquis, being head -over heels in love with the earnest creature who was so beautiful, -submitted like a lamb. - -"Very well, I will," said Rivaulx. There were almighty shrieks in the -Paris press. The _Journal_ had an article that was wonderful. The -affair woke up anti-Semitism again. Rivaulx had been bought by Jewry; -France was once more betrayed; the bottom of the world was falling out. - -Pen, with no sense of humour, had a native capacity for discovering -every one's real weakness. As the Frenchman would rather have died than -dine as he did, so Gordon would almost prefer to die suddenly than to -run the risk of it. He had wonderful brains, and was a power in -finance: he could risk a million when he hadn't it or when he had it as -coolly as most men can risk a penny on the chance of a slot-machine -working. But physically he was timid. Rivaulx went ballooning. He -intended to rival Santos-Dumont. - -"You must go with him, Mr. Gordon," said Penelope. Gordon nearly -fainted, but Pen was firm, as firm as a rock. Gordon offered to -subscribe to all the hospitals in London if she would let him off. He -offered to build a small one and endow it; he even suggested that he -would build a church. But the poor man had to go. It was now thoroughly -understood that any man who refused to do exactly what she told him was -struck off the list. The comic papers were almost comic about it. On -the day that Gordon went up with Rivaulx in an entirely non-dirigible -balloon, the Crystal Palace grounds were crowded with all the Frenchmen -and all the Jews in London. The balloon came down in a turnip-field -fifteen miles from anywhere, and Gordon got back to London and went to -bed. He was consoled by a telegram from Penelope, who congratulated him -on overcoming his natural cowardice, and suggested he should do it -again. - -"I'll give her up first," said Gordon, knowing all the time that he -could no more do it than give up finance. He went out and robbed a lot -of his friends as a compensation for disturbance, and found himself a -hero. In about forty-eight hours the sensation of being looked on as a -man of exceptional grit so pleased him that he adored Penelope more than -ever. He was as proud of having been in a balloon as Rivaulx was of -having dined _tete-a-tete_ with him in the open. - -She sent for Rufus Q. Plant, and she introduced him to Lord Bramber. -Plant was a big American with the common delusion among Americans that -he had an entirely English accent. But he hated aristocrats. Bramber -had an Oxford accent (Balliol variety), and disliked Americans more than -getting up in the morning. He was a fine-looking young fellow with a -good skull, who did nothing with it. He had the tendencies of a citizen -of Sybaris, and got up at noon. Plant rose at dawn. Bramber loved -horses and hated motor-cars. Plant had a manufactory of motors. Pen -sent them away together on a little tour, and hinted delicately to Plant -that his English accent would be improved by a little Oxford polish. - -"And as for you, Lord Bramber, when you come back, I hope you will be -more ready to acknowledge that you don't know everything. Mr. Plant -will do you good, and will teach you to drive a motor!" - -She had never been so beautiful. She showed at her best when her -interest in humanity made her courageous and brutal. The colour in her -cheeks was splendid; her eyes were as earnest as the sea. If Bramber -choked, he submitted, though he blasphemed awfully when he got alone. - -"Go at once," said Penelope. - -She paired off Carteret Williams with Jimmy Carew, A.R.A. Williams knew -as much about art as a hog does of harmony. Jimmy thought the war -correspondent a howling Philistine, as indeed he was, and believed -anything that could not be painted was a mere by-product of the -universe. - -"You'll do each other good," said Pen, clasping her beautiful hands -together with enthusiasm. Jimmy wanted to draw her at once. Williams -wished for an immediate invasion, so that he could save her life and -write a flamboyant article about it. - -"Show him pictures, Mr. Carew, beginning with Turner and Whistler." - -"Make him understand that art isn't everything, Mr. Williams." - -She sent them away together, and was wonderfully pleased with herself. - -"They are all fine men," she said, thoughtfully, "but it is curious that -every man I know thinks every other man more or less of a fool or an -idiot, or a cad. They are dreadfully one-sided. When they come back -they will be much improved. This is my work in the world, and I don't -care a bit what people say." - -People said lots, though after a bit the fun died down, except among her -own people. And even they laughed at last. At least, every one did but -Titania, and she had no more sense of humour than Penelope herself. -Indeed, she had less, for Penelope could understand a joke when it was -explained to her carefully, and Titania couldn't. And in after years -Pen came to see the humourous side of things. She even appreciated a -joke against herself, which is the crucial test of humour. But Titania -died maintaining that life was a serious business, and should be taken -like medicine. - -"I never heard of more insane proceedings," said Titania, "never! The -notion of sending that poor Jew up in a balloon with that mad Frenchman! -Balloons at the best are blasphemous. And to make Captain Goby read -with poor little De Vere! I'm sure there will be murder done before -she's married. And now it's an understood thing that she will marry one -of them. And Brading laughs! If he is only her half-brother, I -consider him responsible. And Augustin smiles and smokes and smokes and -smiles. And Chloe Cadwallader, whom I never approved of and never -shall, backs her up, of course. One of these days I shall tell Chloe -Cadwallader what I think of her!" - -"I say, granny, what do you think of her?" asked Bob. - -"Never mind," said Titania; "there are things that you know nothing of, -Robert." - -"Oh, are there?" said Bob. "I say, granny, I ain't sure of that. I've -been expelled from three schools, and Baker says--" - -"Oh, bother Baker," cried his exasperated grandmother. "I think Mr. -Guthrie might keep you away from Baker." - -"He can't," said Bob, cheerfully. "Old Guth and I have made a treaty. -I do what he tells me between ten and twelve, and what I like afterward. -If we are reading Latin, and the clock strikes twelve, I say, 'Mr. -Guthrie, don't you think Latin's rot?' and he says, 'Oh, is it twelve? -I thought it was only eleven!' I get on with Guth, I tell you." - -And he was very thick with Goby, who had given him the pedigree -bull-pup. Mr. de Vere now owned the interesting one which had to be fed -with gloves on, and loathed it with an exceeding hatred only exceeded by -his hatred for Goby. - -"I say, Pen, you go it," said Bob. "There's heaps of fun in this. They -all tip me now like winking." - -But Pen did not see the fun. It was a serious business. She looked -after her lovers with the greatest care. They brought her reports; they -complained of each other. She smoothed over difficulties, and explained -what they were to do. - -"How the devil am I to live on a thousand a year!" said Goby. But he -tried it and found it quite exciting. It exercised his self-control -wonderfully. He went into the War Office once a week and demanded some -kind of job, and was put off with all kinds of regulations. He sent a -telegram to Penelope the first week, saying that according to his -accounts he had spent no more than L20. She wired congratulations, and -received another wire: - - -"Have made a mistake. Forgot to include a few bills. Will be more -careful in future. - -"GOBY." - - -Plant said: - -"What, a thousand a year! That's easy. I can live on thirty shillings -a week. My dear Lady Penelope, I've done it on half a dollar a day. -I'll show you." - -He took one room in Bloomsbury, and sent in his bills and accounts to -her weekly. She suggested he should find out if his great success in -the United States had ruined any one in particular, and if so that he -should compensate them. This cost him a hundred thousand dollars. -Almost every other day she got a telegram something like this: - -"Have found another person I ruined. Am cabling five thousand dollars -to widow and orphans. Man is dead." - -Or,-- - -"Another find. Man said to be a lunatic, but perfectly sane except on -point of Trusts. Have cabled for his transfer to more comfortable -asylum." - -Or,-- - -"Widow refuses money with insults. Have settled it on daughter, and -have given son job." - -Or,-- - -"Man in question has given amount cabled to Republicans of New York. -Has recovered and has started a Trust himself." - -This was very satisfactory. Penelope saw she was doing good. In the -middle of her joy, she received a wire from Goby. - - -"May I stop poetry with De Vere? Doctor says I am overdoing it. GOBY." - - -She also received one at the same time from De Vere: - - -"If I could have a week to myself to write satire, should be eternally -grateful. Doctor says rowing may be carried to excess. The bulldog is -well. - -"DE VERE." - - -The Marquis de Rivaulx, after a fortnight with Gordon, asked to be -allowed to go over to Paris to see his mother. But he acknowledged that -Gordon was not a bad chap, though he was as white as a sheet in the -balloon. - -"And he told me, my dear lady, what to buy. He knows very well what to -buy and what to sell. He is immensely clevair, oh, yes. And may I go -and see _maman_?" - -She let him go, but not before he promised to take no part in any -further anti-Semitic proceedings. She told Gordon not to brag so much -of having been in a balloon. - -"You know you were afraid," she said. "The marquis said you were." - -"Of course I was," said Gordon, "but I went, didn't I?" - -That was unanswerable. - -She had an "at home" once a week. It was understood that no one but her -own relatives and members of the horde were to call on that day. She -then issued any directions that she thought of during the week. -Bradstock was now openly and recklessly on her side. - -"I believe you're doing good, real good," said Augustin. "I'm proud of -you. Don't mind my laughing, Pen. Oh, but you are wonderful." - -He gave her advice. - -"Kick young Bramber into public life," he said. "He's got brains." - -"Lord Bramber," said Pen, "you are to go into Parliament at once. Speak -to Lord Bradstock about it, and I'll talk to Mrs. Mytton on your behalf. -I expect you to be an Under-Secretary of State at once." - -"Damn! this is worse than Plant," said the obedient Bramber. -Nevertheless, he owned that Plant was a man, and a real good sort. - -"I go to see him, Lady Penelope, in his room in Bloomsbury. He's living -on about half a crown a day. I--oh--yes, I'm coming down to the -thousand by degrees. And of course if you want me to go into the House, -I'll go." - -Carteret Williams was there, and was put through his paces by Pen about -art. He had learnt something about it by rote. - -"The Academy is composed of painters," he said, mechanically, "but there -are few artists in it. I quite agree with Carew, who had his pictures -chucked before they made him an associate through fear. Turner is a -very great artist. He shows how near the sublime can get to the -ridiculous. Whistler is also great. He shows how near the ridiculous -can go to the sublime. Art is a combination of the material and the -spiritual. So Carew says. He showed me a lot of Blake, and he says -that the beauty of Blake is that you can't understand him by any -ordinary means, such as the intellect. I'm not up to Blake yet. The -old masters are very fine. I admit it. Velasquez is dry, but wonderful. -Rembrandt appeals to me because he is very dark; I think he would be -better if he were darker. We go to the National Gallery every day, and -then I take him to the Press Club, where he hears about real life." - -When Carew came, he owned that Williams wasn't a bad sort. - -"And he's doing his level best to understand," said Carew, with -enthusiasm. "He stands before a picture of mine every day for an hour -while I explain it. He sees something in it at last. And he's reading -about art, and is beginning to see why a photograph isn't the last word -of things. He's led a wonderful life, Lady Penelope, and when he gets -on what he's seen and done, I feel almost ashamed to live as I do." - -"That's right," said Pen; "every artist should. And every man who is not -an artist should be sorry that he is not. We are far from perfect yet." - -How beautiful she looked, thought Carew. - -"She lives in the world of the ideal, and so do I." - -"I am very much pleased with everything," said Pen at large to the -assembly, and De Vere, who was having a holiday for his satire, was -pleased too. And Goby was delighted at being let off poetry for awhile. - -"Not but what there's something in it, I admit," said Goby, critically. -"Robert Lindsay Gordon is a fair snorter at it. I can't say I'm up to -Shelley yet. De Vere read me the Epi-something-or-other." - -"'Epipsychidion,'" said Pen. - -"That's it, a regular water-jump of a word," said Goby, "and he took it -in his stride, while I boggled on the bank. However, I'm coming up hand -over hand with him. I'm reading Keats with him. He's all right when -you get to know him, Lady Penelope, and rowing's doing him no end of -good. He's a well-made little chap, and getting some good muscle. If -I'm not dead by the time I can take the Epi-what's-his-name, I'll make a -man of him." - -Rivaulx, who had come in with Gordon on his return from seeing his -mother in Paris, was very proud of himself. - -"A year ago I should not have had the courage to show myself with a -Jew," said Rivaulx, triumphantly. "Lady, dear lady, I thought I should -have died when I asked him to dinner. But now I like him. He is -wonderful. When he says 'buy,' I buy, and heigh, presto! the shares go -up like my balloon. And when he says 'sell,' I sell, and they go down -like a barometer when you go up. Oh, yes, and all your aristocracy -admire him. I saw seven great lords with him the other day, and they -said: 'What company am I to be a director of, Gordon?' and he said he'd -ask his clerk. But I have refused to be a director. I should not like -_maman_ to know I know him. She is very dreadful against Jews, owing to -the _affaire_ in France." - -And that was the celebrated afternoon that Penelope, who found that she -was doing good in every way to all mankind by obliterating all class and -professional jealousies, raised passion and curiosity to its highest -point by saying, with the sweetest blush: - -"Very well, then, I promise to marry one of you!" - - - - - *CHAPTER V.* - - -Penelope was the swan, and all her relations were the ducks. The noise -they made was simply unendurable. For, besides Titania, she had cousins -and other aunts, or people who were in the position of aunts, and she -had friends who had been friends of her mother, and they came down on -her like the Assyrian. They objected to publicity, especially for other -people, and for a young woman to become a public character was something -worse than immorality. Nothing but Penelope's entire singleness of -character and her humourous want of humour enabled her to meet and -overcome them. And even she felt at times that flight was the only thing -left. She sent to her solicitor for a list of all the houses and -mansions and castles that she owned, and she took her motor-car and her -pet chauffeur, and, having borrowed Bob from his grandmother, she set -off on a tour. She disappeared for a week at a time. Then she -disappeared for two weeks. She was even lost for a month. - -"She ought to be in an asylum," said Titania, "and I have to let Bob go -with her. He is some kind of a safeguard. How do I know she isn't -married already? Bob, dear Bob, has ceased to confide in me. When I -interrogate him, he puts me off. I get nothing out of him. The only -thing that I can congratulate myself on is that now, instead of 'Baker -says,' it is 'Pen says.' And I doubt, I own I doubt, and I cannot help -it, whether Bob is not being done serious harm to, considering that he -will one day be a duke. A duke should be brought up properly. Goring -was brought up badly, I deeply regret to say. He laughs at Penelope's -behaviour, and says girls will be girls. I say they will be women, and -he says, 'Thank the Lord,' and I don't know what he means. But, as I -say, this wretched girl may be married by now. It is already months -since she said, in my hearing, to a whole crowd of men, 'I promise to -marry one of you!' Was there ever an aunt in a more unfortunate -position? I feel as if I should become a lunatic. Augustin, do you -hear me, I am rapidly becoming insane." - -"Oh, ah," said Augustin, who always knew more about Pen's actions than -any one else. She wrote to him from a hundred places. - -"Keep your eye upon Mr. Gordon," she said. "And what are people saying -about Lord Bramber's speech? I shall be up in town in time to see Mr. -Carew's new picture. I got a letter from Mr. de Vere, saying that -Captain Goby was learning Wordsworth's ode on the 'Intimations of -Immortality in Childhood' by heart. Mr. de Vere says he is doing what I -told him, and is keeping his eye on Mr. Roosevelt. I told him to model -himself on the President of the United States. He says he rows and has -bought a Sandow exerciser, and he says it does not make him so tired -now. Mr. Williams told me when I was last in town that he was thinking -of writing a guide to Dulwich Gallery if war didn't break out. I am -afraid he hopes it will. Mr. Plant's last weekly accounts were only -10*s*. 6*d*. I advised him to see a doctor if he thought it was doing -him harm. The marquis has written a very good article in the _Revue des -Deux Mondes_ against anti-Semitism. I am greatly pleased with this. I -hope Mr. Carew's picture is intelligible. I told him it was no absolute -sign of genius to be entirely incomprehensible. He took it very well. I -think Mr. Williams will have a good effect on him. I have visited ten -mansions, seven castles (two with moats; mother used to love moats, -because there are none in America), and several other houses of mine. -Most need repairs. I shall be home next week. Tell aunt that Bob is -very well and brown, and is learning to drive my car at full speed down -a narrow road with sharp turns in it. Smith says he will be the best -driver in England when he is grown up, if he goes on and doesn't have -his nerve broken up early by an accident. But I think his nerve is -good, though I can't always tell, as I shut my eyes when we go very -fast. Good-bye now, dear Guardy. - -"Your loving - "PENELOPE. - -"P. S. I am sure I am doing good!" - - -Bob was very sure of it, too. - -"I say, Pen, old Guth will be lonely, won't he? But he's all right if he -has a bally Catullus in his pocket, and he draws his screw just the -same. Granny is very decent to him, take it all around. And I like him -because he likes dogs. I must wire to Baker to hear how 'Captain' is -getting on. I called him Captain because old Goby gave him to me. I -say, Pen, don't you think Smith is a ripping good driver? He says that -he'll be my chauffeur when I'm a duke, if you don't want him. He says -him and me'll win every bally race. I'd like to do that. I begin to -think horse-racing is rot. You see three or four people can't ride a -race-horse, and the responsibility of driving you fast when the road's -crooked is the fun. Every time I miss a cart, Pen, I feel as happy as -if I'd hit Rhodes for four every time he sent a ball down to me. That -would be fun. Baker says--no, I mean Smith says that all other sports -are rot of the worst kind. He says if he's ever rich, he'll go through -the city every day as fast as he can. He hates the police, and some of -them hate him. He rode over a sergeant in the Kingston Road once, but -he didn't hurt him much. When shall we leave this castle and go to -another one? I hope the next is a long way off. Smith says he wants a -good road to show what she'll do when she's out to the last notch. And -it must be down-hill." - -And in town, while Pen was going about the country, people's tongues ran -as fast as any motorcar. - -"It is nonsense," said one; "she's married already." - -"I know she's not. I paid a shilling and looked it up at Somerset -House." - -"That's nothing," said a barrister. "They could have been married under -wrong names." - -"That wouldn't be legal." - -"Yes, it would. It's only illegal if a false name is used and one of -the parties doesn't know. Then the one who is deceived can get a -declaration of nullity," said the barrister. - -"Oh, well, but who is it?" - -"It's no one. I don't believe she'll marry at all." - -"She's a crank." - -"It's madness. I hear the Duchess of Goring has taken to her bed." - -"Well, Goring hasn't. I saw him at the Frivolity." - -"Who is it now?" - -"I don't know her name. But where's Lady Penelope?" - -No one knew but Bradstock, and even Augustin was behind by a post or -two. None of the "horde" knew, and they began to get suspicious of each -other. Goby watched De Vere, and De Vere kept his eye on Goby. It was -obvious from the newspapers that Bramber was in the House. Gordon was -seen at his Club. And then Carteret Williams was missing. Carew hunted -for him in vain at the Press Club and at the office of the _Morning -Hour_. There was no war yet, though there were rumours of it in the -Balkans as usual. - -It got about that she had married Williams, though he had only run away -from Carew for a week. - -"The very worst of the lot," wailed Titania. "I knew it would be -Williams. He's hardly a gentleman, though he comes of a good family. -Being a war correspondent makes a man brutal. I knew, I knew, I knew it -was Williams, and now I shall never speak to her; and he will beat her -in time, I know it, and there will be a horrible scandal; and what, oh, -what can she have done with Bob? Augustin, go at once and find where Bob -is. I knew it would be Williams! Didn't I always say it would be -Williams? I could have forgiven her any one else." - -Gordon came to ask Bradstock if it was true. And Bradstock had a sense -of humour, if Pen had none. - -"My dear sir," he said, "how can I tell? She liked him very much, took -a great interest in him. She told me he was writing a guide to the art -of Dulwich Gallery. Do you think that a bad sign?" - -Gordon groaned. - -"It looks bad, Lord Bradstock. But I don't believe she takes much -interest in him. She takes an interest in me, my lord! Why, I went up -in a balloon all on her account. I went with that madman, the French -marquis, and as sure as my name's Le-- I mean Gordon, there's not -another woman in the world I'd have done it for. Don't you think that -going up in a balloon, when you'd rather die than do it, ought to touch -a woman's heart? I give you my word that she as good as said, 'Go up in -a balloon and I'll--' well, or words to that effect. I tell you what, -Lord Bradstock, I know you ain't a rich man, not a very rich one, that -is, but, if you'll be on my side, I'll put you on to a good thing, the -best thing in the market. It's going up like--oh, like a beastly -balloon, sir,--my lord, I mean. I'm making it go up, and I'll tell you -when to sell. Oh, Lord, I'm very unhappy, my lord. I love the ground -she walks on. I'd like to buy it at the price of a city frontage. Come -in with me, my lord, and you shall have a tip that half a dozen dukes -are dying for. There's a room full of bally dukes waiting to see me -now, and I gave them the slip. Will you come in with me? Do, do!" - -He was a lamentable object, and there was a spot upon his hat which did -not shine. He worked at it eagerly with his sleeve, and stood waiting -for a reply. - -"I don't mind telling you," said Bradstock, "that my income is only five -thousand a year." - -"Poor beggar!" murmured Gordon. - -"But I only spend four. And if I had more what could I do with it?" - -"Give it me," said Gordon, eagerly, "and I'll make more of it for you. -Man alive,--my lord, I mean--I can make it millions." - -There was a faint suspicion of the "millionth" in the word. - -"I can make it millionth," said Gordon. "I've put a pound or two into -that Frenchman's pocket, I can tell you, though he did take me up in a -balloon, and I'll put fifty for one into yourth, so help me." - -"I don't want it." - -"Well, you can give it away," shrieked Gordon. "They'll make you a duke -if you only give away enough. If there wathn't a faint thuspithion of -Jewish blood in me, I'd be a baron now at leathth. Give it away to -hospithalths, build a lunatic asylum, finanth your party. And if that -don't thucktheed, go into beer or biscuits, and you'll be made anything -you like." - -"If they would make me thirty, I'd do it," said Bradstock. - -"Thirty dukes?" asked Gordon, in bewilderment. - -"Thirty years old," said Bradstock. - -[Illustration: LEOPOLD NORFOLK GORDON. Some said his real name was Isaac -Levi] - -Gordon advanced on him and took him by a button. - -"My lord," he said, solemnly, "money ith youth and strength and -everything except Lady Penelope. If you had a million, you'd feel -twenty-five. When I had a measly hundred thousand, I was thin and -always going to doctors. When I got two, I got fatter and gave 'em up. -Now I'm worth two millionth." - -But Bradstock said, brutally: "No, Mr. Gordon, I don't want money, and I -don't want you to marry Lady Penelope. If I had a million, I'd rather -lose it than see her do so." - -"Did you tell her that?" asked Gordon. - -"I did." - -"I'm damned glad," said Gordon. "If you want a cat to go one way, pull -its tail the other." - -"Tut, tut," said Bradstock, and Gordon went away sorrowfully, for he had -great riches, and saw no good in them without Pen. - -Bradstock had to interview all the lovers one after one. They came to -implore his vote and interest. He saw Rivaulx, whose great desire was -to look like an Englishman and act like one. Rivaulx adopted a stony -calm, which sat upon him like a title on a Jew, but did not stick so -tight. He ended a talk which began most conventionally in a wild and -impassioned waltz around Bradstock's room, with despair for a partner. -He tore at his hair, but, having had it clipped till it was like a -shaved blacking-brush, he could not get hold of it. - -"I must wed her," he howled. "I told _maman_ so, or I shall perish. I -will become an Englishman. _Mon Dieu_, I am sad. I am fearfully -mournful. I weep exceedingly. Have I not done all? I have eaten -largely in public with Mr. Gordon. I have bought his shares and have -sold them, but in my heart I cannot. When I return to Paris, I shall -fight duels because I have written for Dreyfus with tears in my eye and -my tongue in my cheek for sorrow. Where is she, Lord Bradstock? Tell -me where she is? I will go to her and say I have done all and can no -more!" - -De Vere tackled him, too. - -"My dear chap," said Bradstock, "I don't know her mind." - -"She knows her own," said De Vere, with much bitterness, "and so does -that boy Bob. I bought a bulldog of him, because she said she thought -one would do me good. I don't know why, and now Bob sells me dogs by -telegram, and I daren't refuse 'em." - -"Great Scott!" said his host; "but why?" - -"That young ruffian has an influence over her," mourned the poet. "He -is always with her. He is capable of saying I am a 'rotter'; yes, a -rotter, a dozen times a day if I refuse, and to have him doing that -would be more than I can endure. I want her to love me, and so I buy -his dogs. I have a bulldog which hasn't done me any good. All he has -done is to tear my trousers and trample over my flower-beds. I have an -Irish terrier who is now being cured of bulldog bites by a veterinary -surgeon. I've a retriever who howls at night and makes the bulldog -unhappy. I have a Borzois with bronchitis and no hair on his tail. Bob -wrote to say the hair would grow if I put hair-wash on it myself. He -said men couldn't be trusted to do it. And then I've Goby on my hands. -I speak in confidence, Lord Bradstock." - -"Of course," said Bradstock. - -"Then I own I loathe Goby," said De Vere, viciously. "He has less -brains than my bulldog, and I think the bulldog has less brains than the -retriever. He reads poetry because she said he was to, and he makes me -explain mine to him. Explain it! And he makes me row every day he's -with me, and he says I'm not imitating Roosevelt if I don't. She said I -was to imitate Roosevelt. Why should I? I loathe Republicans. She -also told me I was to imitate Sven Hedin. On inquiry I found Sven Hedin -was an ass who explored deserts, and went without water for many days. -Goby can do that, as my wine-cellar can testify. He says he only tastes -water when he cleans his teeth, and then it makes him sick. And, though -I keep wine for my friends, I am a water-drinker. How can I do without -it? I am very unhappy." - -"I should chuck Goby and give it up," said Bradstock. - -"I wish I could," said the poet, "but my nature is an enduring one. We -learn in suffering Gobies and bulldogs what we teach in song. A dog may -be the friend of man, but a bulldog is a tailor's enemy. And I believe -they gave Goby the V.C. to get rid of him. Do they ever give -decorations to get rid of people?" - -Bradstock said he thought so, and wondered what he could give De Vere. - -And then the poet sighed and rose. - -"I have to meet Goby and lunch with him. And afterward we read Shelley -together, and then he will teach me billiards at his club. I loathe -billiards. It is the most foolish game on earth except keeping bulldogs. -And Goby's friends are not sympathetic. They are sportsmen, and ought to -be hunted with bulldogs." - -He went away sadly, and Bradstock lay on a sofa and laughed till he -cried. - -"Pen will be my death and the death of a dozen," he said. "And as for -Bob--" - -No sooner had De Vere departed than young Bramber was announced. - -"Conceited young ass," said Bradstock. But Bramber was in the House, -and was supposed to be doing very well. He had brains, no doubt, and -the manner of Oxford (Balliol variety, as aforesaid) sat on him well. -He made speeches, and Mr. Mytton congratulated him on one of them. -Nothing but his passion for Penelope prevented him being as conceited as -Bradstock supposed him to be. But it must be remembered that Bradstock -couldn't make speeches. - -"I thought I'd come and look you up," said Bramber. "I thought you -could tell me something about Lady Penelope." - -"I can't," replied Bradstock. "I spend all my afternoons in saying so. -I've had Rivaulx and Austin de Vere and Gordon here already, and after -you go I don't doubt that Goby or Plant will turn up. How do you get on -with Plant? Do you know, Bramber, I believe Plant is the best man of -the lot of you." - -Bramber frowned. - -"He has an accent that can be cut into slabs, to use his own dialect," -said Bramber. - -"Your own accent is equally disagreeable to an American," said -Bradstock, who had been in the United States several times. - -"I have no accent," said Bramber, haughtily. - -"Oh," returned Bradstock. "And how do you get along with Plant?" - -Bramber was obviously more jealous of Plant than any one. But he made a -tremendous effort to be fair. - -"He's a very able man," he said at last, "but there's no man I should -find it so hard to get on with. He says just what he thinks in the most -awful way. And because Lady Penelope said he was not to spend more than -twenty-five pounds a week, he is living on ten shillings out of bravado. -I hate bravado. He made me dine with him in Soho, and our dinners came -to elevenpence each. Where is Lady Penelope?" - -"I don't know," said Bradstock. - -"I didn't see Plant yesterday," said Bramber, uneasily. - -"The devil!" - -"You don't think?" - -"I don't know what to think," said Bradstock, wickedly. "I hear that -Jimmy Carew hasn't been seen for days, either." - -Bramber fidgeted on his chair. - -"She _can't_ marry Carew. He's a thorough outsider." - -"Women don't understand the word, my dear chap. How are you getting on -in the House? And have you been motoring with Plant?" - -"Yes," said Bramber; "we killed three fowls and a dog yesterday. And -Plant was fined ten pounds a week ago. He said he would wire to Lady -Penelope to know if that was business expenses. I believe he wants to -break my neck." - -"I shouldn't be surprised," said Bradstock. "Has he gone out alone -to-day, do you think? I suppose you know Penelope is doing a lot of it -now?" - -"The devil she is!" said Bramber. "I think I'll go and look up Plant." - -Bradstock got some amusement out of the situation, if Titania didn't. - - - - - *CHAPTER VI.* - - -Penelope came back to town about a week later and saw every one. - -"I wonder whom I love," said Pen, "for I'm sure I love some one. And -they are all so kind and sweet and good. I'm sorry I shall have to hurt -so many of them, for the poor dears all adore me." - -It was marvellous how they had developed in a short time under Pen's -system, which was evidently sound, as Bradstock declared. Plant, under -his ten-and-sixpence-a-week scheme, had lost a stone weight, and was as -hard and fine as a coil of wire. His search after the people he had -ruined gave him a peace of mind to which he had long been a stranger, -for American millionaires in business have no peace of mind. - -"I feel good," said Plant, meaning it both ways, "and my endurance of -young Bramber has stiffened my moral fibre." - -"Whether I marry you or not, Mr. Plant," said Penelope, "I am awfully -pleased with you. And how has Lord Bramber behaved?" - -"He's been death on what he called my accent," said Plant, a little -bitterly, "and it is notorious I've none to speak of; and, for that -matter, his own you could cut with a knife. However, I think he's a -good boy, and will discover he has brains. I've talked to him straight, -Lady Penelope. I told him you meant me to. I said he might be a lord -and the son of an earl, but that he was a lazy, loafing scallawag, and -that, if he'd been my son, I'd have cowhided him. That did him good; it -made him sit up, I tell you. Oh, he fairly fizzled and felt like going -for me, but he knew better. He has brains, and I've talked with members -of your legislature who say he'll do well. Put this down to me, Lady -Penelope. Credit me with this. I've looked after him like a baby, and -I've hustled him around in my motor till he can't help going when he's -out of it. You and me together, my dear young lady, could educate the -entire universe. If you'll only marry me, I'll start a university on -these lines of yours." - -The idea was a pleasing one, but of course Pen pointed out to him that -it was his duty to do it whether she married him or not. - -"Duty is duty," said Pen. "I'm doing all this out of a sense of duty." - -"Don't marry out of a sense of it," retorted Plant. "I just want to be -loved. I'm going around feeling I want to be loved. I've never been -loved properly all my life, and I begin to hanker after it wildly. And, -if you do marry me, Lady Penelope, I want you to understand right here -and now that I don't want you to do your duty by me. If you begin to do -that, I'll take a Colt's forty-five and scatter my brains out. I want -love, that's what I want. I want it straight, without water in it." - -"I see what you mean," said Penelope. "I think you are a very -noble-hearted man, Mr. Plant." - -And away went poor Plant to draw up a scheme for a university. - -"I think I could almost love him," said the pensive Penelope. "I -could--almost--" - -Her contemplations were interrupted by Captain Goby. He was a little -paler than usual, and perhaps a trifle more intelligent. And he was -more in love than ever. - -"I've done everything you told me," he said, as he sat down and eyed her -wistfully. "I've gone into poetry like a bull at a hedge, Lady -Penelope. I begin to see what it means. Old Austin (poor old josser) -has taken the deuce's own pains over me. He's read 'The Lady of the -Garden' to me seventeen times. He wrote it ten years ago. He says he -wonders how he did it, and so do I. I've been trying to write poetry to -you, do you know. That showed me there must be some special gift in it, -for I never did anything worth the horrid trouble. And I've been -worrying the War Office like a bulldog. They say they'll think of me, -and haven't gone any further, and talking of bulldogs, Bob's bulldog bit -Austin de Vere, and he swore like a man. I was surprised. But if I -were you, I'd tell Bob to stop sending him more dogs. He's very kind to -them, but they worry him. Bob's prices are very high, too. How is Bob? -Oh, by the way, I'm living on ten pounds a week. Need I reckon tailor's -bills in, do you think? Oh, yes, this bulge is the Golden Treasury. I -take it out and read a lyric between meals. The chaps at the Rag chaff -me like blazes, but I don't mind so long as I improve. I want to -improve so as to be worthy of your intellect, Lady Penelope." - -"The poor dear," said Pen, when he was gone, "I think I could almost -love him!" - -As luck would have it, Bob and Austin de Vere came in almost at the same -minute. For now Titania couldn't keep Bob away. For the matter of -that, she did not want to. Bob was to be Penelope's safeguard. He was -much better than Chloe Cadwallader, said Titania. - -However, De Vere came in first. He held Penelope's hand no longer than -a poet should, as poets naturally hold girls' hands rather longer than -other people. - -"You are looking really well, Mr. de Vere," said Penelope, when she was -free. - -"I am well," said the poet, "exceedingly well in a way. My dear lady of -the beautiful garden, I owe all that to you. At first I was afraid of -Captain Goby. I told Lord Bradstock so the other day. I'm afraid I -left him under a false impression as to my feelings to Goby, by the way. -I'm quite proud of Goby. He says I am really a powerful man, and he -made me row till I was worn out. And then he insisted that I should use -Sandow's exerciser. I own I did it with reluctance. I pointed out to -Goby that I did not wish to look like Mr. Sandow. Goby always stopped -by the posters in which Mr. Sandow is lifting ten tons or so, and -pointed out certain muscles to me as ideals. I was recalcitrant, for, -although I admire Mr. Sandow immensely, I think muscle can be overdone. -However, I used the machine, which is ingenious and elastic, and only -dangerous if the hook comes out of the wall, and I've found I rather -like it. I should miss it now. I think it imparts a certain vigour to -verse, if not overdone. Oh--" - -For in came Bob. He rushed at Pen and kissed her hair, and then bounced -at the poet. - -"I say is it true the bulldog bit you? I saw Goby yesterday in the -park, and he said so," asked Bob, in great excitement. - -"It is true," said the poet. - -Penelope shook her head at the late owner of the dog. - -"Oh, Bob! Mr. de Vere, I'm very sorry." - -"So was I," said De Vere. - -"Where did he bite you?" asked Bob, anxiously. "Was it the arm or the -leg? And did he hang on like a proper bulldog? Baker says that if a -bulldog once gets hold, you have to use a red-hot poker to make him let -go. Did you use a red-hot poker?" - -"He only snapped and fetched blood," said De Vere. - -"Ah!" cried Bob, "I always thought he wasn't a real good bulldog." - -"At any rate, he bit the Irish terrier," said the poet. "I mean the one -you sold to me for three pounds." - -"I'm glad he did, sir. That Irish terrier, though he's splendidly bred, -Baker says, has an awful temper and is very troublesome. Does Rollo, -the retriever, howl much at night, sir?" - -"Oh, not so very much," said De Vere. "It's only when the moon is near -the full that he does his best." - -"I never thought of that," said Bob, "but now I remember that it was -very moony when I sent him over to you. Baker said you'd like him. His -kennel is next to Baker's house." - -"I'm much obliged to Baker," said De Vere. "But the tail of the Borzois -is still bald, Bob." - -Bob opened his eyes wide. - -"Oh, dear, I thought you would have cured him by now; and how about his -bronchitis?" - -"That's better, I hope and trust," said the poet. And Penelope, who was -very greatly touched by his kindness to all these dogs, sent Bob into -the library. - -"It's so good of you to be kind to Bob," she said. "Bob's a dear, and -he adores me. He says that he's going to live with me always, even when -I'm married." - -[Illustration: AUSTIN DE VERE. He wrote poetry, and abhorred bulldogs -and motor-cars] - -"Oh!" gasped De Vere. "We were talking about Goby, I think, when dear -Bob came in. You'll find him much improved, I'm sure, my dear Lady -Penelope. He has read a great deal of Shelley and Keats and Browning -with me. He was especially struck with 'Sordello.' I read it to him -and he sat with his hand to his forehead taking it all in. And every -now and again he said, 'Great Scott!' which is his way of expressing -wonderment and admiration. I do not know its origin. I've written to -Doctor Murray to ask him if he knows. And Goby, oh, yes, you'll find him -improved. I've done my best with him, and I've really struggled hard. -Any improvement you notice is, I really believe, under you and -Providence, due to me." - -And when he went, Penelope sat thinking. - -"The poor dear, how nicely he took the bulldog bites and the howling of -the retriever. I think--I think I could almost love him!" - -And that afternoon and evening she saw Bramber and Carteret Williams and -Jimmy Carew and Gordon, and they were all most marvellously improved. -Bramber was alert and bright, and began to show that he had some -ambition in him, and, if he did not tell Penelope his exact mind about -Plant, he did show some little appreciation of the American's qualities. - -"Associating with him has done you good," said Pen. "I see it has. You -lived far too much for yourself, Lord Bramber. I cannot endure -selfishness." - -"I'm not selfish any more, I think," said Bramber. "I rather like Plant. -He seems a man, take him all around. He is abrupt, perhaps, and brutal. -I own I've found him trying, and he says things one finds it hard to -forgive." - -"Yes, he told me," said Pen, delightedly. "Oh, he told me he said you -ought to be beaten severely, and he said you took it very nicely. Did -you?" - -Bramber bit his lip. - -"I did." - -"That's right," said Pen. "Oh, I'm improving you all so much. You've -no idea how much improved you are. Mr. Mytton said he'd make something -out of you, Lord Bramber." - -"Did he really?" - -"Oh, yes. He said he made fair successes out of very much worse -material. - -"He's quite a dear," she sighed, when he was gone, but, before she could -add that she might almost love him, Carew and Williams came in together. -And before she could greet them, Gordon came, too. Williams eyed him -with strange ferocity, for he was by nature a hater of Hebrews, and -wanted to dust the floor with him. Pen, who was as quick as lightning, -caught his glances and said to him, sweetly: - -"I think you would get on nicely with Mr. Gordon." - -And Williams blenched visibly. - -"Oh, I couldn't leave Carew," he said. "I'm deep in art, very deep; I -adore it. Carew has introduced me to several Academicians, and I have -bought a box of paints. One Academician took me home with him and -showed me his pictures. He doesn't agree with Jimmy altogether, and he -says Jimmy will alter his opinions presently. His idea is that when a -man is an A.R.A., he is only beginning, you see. He also explained to -me the attitude of the R.A. with regard to the Chantrey Bequest. He -says that if they found a good picture not by an Academician, they would -buy it, which is interesting, isn't it? He was painting a picture -called 'War,' and wanted my opinion. I said I'd ask Jimmy, because I -didn't know anything about war except what I'd seen. I don't know why -he was chuffy about it. I find artists get chuffy and huffy very quick, -and I don't know what for. Do you think there will be war soon?" - -Penelope didn't know, and said she wanted eternal peace and happiness -for every one, and meant having it if it could be got by any legitimate -influence. - -"War is horrible!" - -"It is," said Carew, who joined in just here, after getting away from -Gordon, who told him to buy Hittites at 3-1/8. "War is horrid. -Williams is always talking of it." - -"I'm not," said Williams, angrily. "I want peace, eternal peace and -happiness for every one." - -"Ah, so do I," put in Gordon. "My idea is to have a peaceful life, far -from the roar of London, in a deep green vale, where I shall hear no one -talking of shares, and where mines are unknown, and there are no Chinese -or crushing reports. Why is it that most reports from mines are -crushing? I wish I knew." - -"Ah, how sweet it would all be," said beautiful Penelope. "You could -keep cows, Mr. Gordon." - -"I adore them," said Gordon. "There is a breed without horns, isn't -there?" - -"They look incomplete," said Jimmy. - -"What are you painting now?" asked Pen. - -"I'm not really painting, I'm modelling in clay, as you told me," said -the obsequious lover. "Don't you remember saying I was to model in -clay? I'm doing Williams in clay. He looks very well in it. I'm also -doing a bull going at a gate. When I get tired of Williams, I do the -bull, and when I'm fatigued by the bull I go back to Williams." - -"And are they like?" asked Penelope. - -"Oh, exactly," replied Carew. - -And the interesting conversation was interrupted by Chloe and Ethel. -But Penelope said to herself that they were all dears. - -"Mr. Williams is greatly improved," she murmured happily. "And Mr. -Carew looks more healthy and less engrossed in himself. I was awfully -glad to hear Mr. Gordon speak like that about a peaceful life." - -And Williams slipped Carew on the door-step and went to his club. He -roared of war till two o'clock in the morning, and then got three -out-of-work war correspondents in the corner and told them the great -story of his love. But Jimmy went down to Chelsea, and damned modelling -in clay to other impressionist painters, and had a real good time. As -for Gordon of the "deep green vale," he went home and found a clerk -waiting with a bundle of cables from all quarters of the mining globe. -He sent a wire to Bramber to be let off an engagement to hear a debate -on drains. - -On the whole, every one was tolerably happy, if we do not include -Titania and the retriever who howled at nights. - - - - - *CHAPTER VII.* - - -It is possible that Penelope never enjoyed herself so much as she did at -this period. She was so busy that she had no time to worry; her team -took all her time. She was young, she was beautiful, she was adored, -she was popular, she was even notorious. A dozen reporters dogged her -footsteps, and when they lost her they followed her lovers. They -haunted her door-step armed with kodaks; they invented paragraphs; they -hunted her men and her maids. They made love to the girls, and seduced -the men into neighbouring bars. One newspaper man, who belonged to the -_Mayfair Daily_, got into her establishment as a footman, and was -discovered by the butler drawing Penelope at dinner when he should have -been drawing corks. A search in his clothes revealed some pencils and a -note-book and another book of drawings. They were of such a character -that the reporter was put outside into the street. The butler could -have forgiven the sketch of his mistress: there was one of himself that -no man could forgive. - -The great desire of all these men was to spot the winner. Penelope's -maid, Harriet Weekes, who was more or less engaged to Timothy Bunting, -the groom (a sad _mesalliance_, by the way), found it impossible to go -out without being accosted respectfully by a new admirer, who tried to -lead the conversation around to her mistress. - -"If you please, my lady, another of them spoke to me to-day. I hope, my -lady, you don't think it my fault," said Weekes. - -"What do they say?" asked Penelope, curiously. She took great interest -in the manners and customs of other classes, perhaps with a view of -altering them when she got time. - -"Oh, my lady, they always say the same thing. I think men are very much -the same all over the world. They say 'It's a fine day,' even if it's -raining, and of course it is, and they say they want to walk a little -way with me (begging your pardon), and that I am very beautiful, and -that they have long loved me, if you please, my lady, and have been -trying to speak about it for years. And I tell 'em I don't want 'em, -and I don't, to be sure, though one (he's on the _Piccadilly Circus -Gazette_) is a very handsome man with a heagle's glance, dressed in gray -tweeds. And they won't be put off, I assure you, my lady. Men on -newspapers are hextremely persevering with a fine flow of language. And -if, being persuaded to take a little walk, for they are difficult to put -off by trade, I do take one, they begin to ask, begging your pardon, I'm -sure, my lady, if I am your sister, and I'm sure I'm as like you as a -butterfly is to a beetle, as Mr. Bunting says, though he adores the -ground I walk on, if he's to be believed, which I'm not sure of yet, and -the butler is very angry with me about the whole affair. And one, who -said he was the editor of the _Times_, which I don't believe in the -least, because it doesn't seem likely, does it, my lady, that the editor -of the _Times_ would do such things himself? said he wanted to marry me -and put me on the staff as his lovely bride. I must say he spoke most -beautifully, and he said he knew Captain Goby, and also Mr. Gordon, and -he said they were getting thin he thought. And another, quite the -gentleman, though by his trousers poor and careful, said he owned most -of the _Daily Telegraph_. And I couldn't help looking at his clothes. -He was very quick, and said that was owing to the competition of the -half-penny papers. Would I save the _Daily Telegraph_ from himpending -ruin by telling him which it would be, he said. And I said flatly that -I wouldn't. I never saw such wicked impudence. Oh, yes, my lady, your -hair's done now, and it's as lovely as a dream." - -And, as Miss Weekes finished, she wondered, quite as much as any of the -newspaper men, who it was to be. - -"It's my belief," she said to Timothy, a little later, "that my lady is -beginning to incline to one of 'em. I've noticed she's quieter like and -more gentle. And there's a soft sadness in her eye and a colour that -comes and goes." - -"There ain't one of the biling worthy of her," said Timothy, bitterly. -"But there, Miss Weekes, there ain't no man worthy of a real beautiful, -good lidy. A fair wonder how I dares to hope that some day far off, -when motor-cars has killed every 'orse, you'll be Mrs. Bunting." - -"It's a great come down, Tim," said Harriet. "Mr. Gubbles says he -wonders, too." - -"If he wasn't the butler, and old, I'd plug 'im," said Timothy, crossly. -"It's all right for me to wonder, but he ain't in it." - -"Ah, but class distinctions is hard to get over, Mr. Bunting," said -Harriet. "You must pardon a butler's feelings. Even Mr. Gubbles has -his feelings. And he agrees with you that there's no one but a duke -ought to marry our dear lady. And she demeaning herself (if I dare say -so) with Academicians and war correspondencies and Jew men; not but what -Mr. Gordon is very gentlemanly and generous. Only yesterday, Mr. -Bunting, he says to me when he met me outside, 'Do you read?' And I -says, 'Yes, sir,' being some flustered, and he says, 'You read that.' -And it was a five-pound note. And he adds something about 'your vote -and hinfluence.' But I can't do it, Mr. Bunting, I can't. If it was -Captain Goby, I might, and if it was young Lord Bramber I might more so, -and even if it was Mr. de Vere, with a duke remote in his family, but -for a Jewish man I can't. So I said, 'Thank you, sir,' and he went off. -But some one is beginnin' to rise up in my lady's mind, I saw it plainly -when I was dressing her. It would be worth more than five pounds to -know who is risin'." - -"Yes," said Timothy. "'Ow much would it run to, do you think?" - -"I believe it would be worth a public 'ouse." - -"Beer and spirits?" asked Timothy, eagerly. - -"And a corner 'ouse at that," replied Harriet, nodding her head. - -"Oh, 'Arriet," said Timothy, with a gasp, "you fairly dazzle me." - -The newspaper men had dazzled Harriet. - -But indeed what she said seemed true to her. And it seemed true to Lord -Bradstock, who had, like the man of the _Circus Gazette_, an eagle's -glance. - -"She has been playing fair," said Bradstock, "but one of them is drawing -ahead, Titania." - -"Good heavens, who is he, and how do you know?" asked Titania. - -"It's intuition," said Bradstock, "intuition combined with, or founded -on, a little observation. She's different, Titania. She takes no -interest in the London County Council." - -"You don't say so!" cried the duchess, in alarm. - -Bradstock nodded. - -"It's a fact. I asked her if she had read the last debate, and she -hadn't, and when I mentioned the Deceased Wife's Sister she yawned." - -"That looks bad," said Titania, "for only a week ago she raved about -her, and Goring said he'd vote for her if she insisted on it. And she -did insist, and tears came in her eyes about the poor thing." - -"Well, I told you so," said Bradstock, "and I do hope it isn't Williams. -I'm afraid of Williams. He's capable of knocking her down and carrying -her off on his shoulder. Do you remember with what joy she read us the -account of the savage tribe somewhere (was it the east of London?) where -they do that?" - -"It made me shiver with apprehension," said Titania. "Oh, if she was -only married safely to a good duke, one not like Goring! Is there a -good duke, Augustin?" - -"Several, so I'm informed," replied Bradstock, "and there are quite a -number of good earls, some quite admirable. But I wish you'd get hold -of Chloe Cadwallader, and find out something." - -Titania bristled like a porcupine. - -"There is no need to find out anything about Mrs. Cadwallader," she -said. "If Penelope wasn't too dangerously innocent to be single, she -would not have anything to do with her." - -"I'm sure the poor woman was only silly," said Bradstock. "Haven't we -all been silly in our time, Titania? Didn't I marry twice? And you -married once." - -"I'll speak to her," said the duchess, hastily. "If we can only find out -who it is, we can, I'm sure, prevent her doing as she says and making a -secret marriage of it. The scandal would be horrid. Oh, Augustin, -suppose she did it, and had a large family suddenly. I should die of -it." - -"Good heavens," said Bradstock, "you alarm me, Titania, you are so -gloomy. She would surely acknowledge her marriage then?" - -Titania threw up her hands. - -"Augustin, I'm sure of nothing with Penelope. I cannot answer for her. -She will bring my gray hairs with sorrow--" - -"To cremation," said Bradstock. "She has invested money in a -crematorium." - -"I thought it was dairy-farming," cried Titania. "Oh, but think, -Augustin, of the horror of the situation as it might be! What would her -Royal Highness say to me? Imagine her marrying and keeping it dark, and -having, as I say, a large family suddenly without a husband producible -on the moment to answer natural inquiries! Imagine her saying _then_ -that her marriage was her own business, and her certificate of marriage -firmly withheld by a young and obstinate mother in a safe! She has a -safe. She has a safe, Augustin, with many keys. I wish I could get at -it, and find things out that are in it. I wish I knew a burglar, a good -honest and reliable burglar, married and trustworthy, that I could send -in to break it open. Most girls have a desk with an ordinary key, easy -to open, but Penelope has a Lord Milner's safe with patent things to -keep it shut. It's not natural, it's wicked. Oh, I did hope, when I -found out what the duke was like and what his ways were, that I knew the -extent of my troubles, but there is no end to them, and Penelope begins -where Goring leaves off." - -"Is it as bad as that?" asked Bradstock. - -"And then there's Bob--" - -"By Jove," said Augustin, "I believe Bob's the key to the safe! -Titania, he's more likely to find something out than any one." - -Titania nodded solemnly. - -"Augustin, you are right. I'll speak to Bob." - -"Let me do it." - -"No, no, Augustin. He is very quick and suspicious, and he loves her, -he adores her. This requires a feminine intelligence. I will work upon -him quietly." - -And she went away to work upon Bob quietly. - - - - - *CHAPTER VIII.* - - -Now Titania believed that she was very smart and very clever, and that -she would do things subtly and do them better than Bradstock or a -barrister, even if he was a K.C. And as it is the most invariably weak -point in people that they think young people fools, or at any rate -easily hoodwinked, she really believed that Bob, her dearly beloved -young scoundrel of a grandson, would be as easy to work on as butter. -And yet she had the sense to see that Bob adored Penelope. - -"I am very greatly troubled about Penelope, Bob," she said to him, as -soon as she got him alone. - -"Don't you worry about Pen, granny," replied Bob, cheerfully, "she can -take care of herself. Why, she can drive a motor-car now up to about -thirty miles an hour, and Geordie Smith says she's all there. And so -does old Guth. He had long talks with her, and he says she has brains. -I tell you old Guth knows 'em when he sees 'em." - -Titania nodded. - -"Oh, I know she is clever, dear, but her ideas are so extraordinary." - -"Ain't they?" said Bob. "I do wonder which of 'em she'll marry, don't -you?" - -"Indeed I do," replied his grandmother. "Have you any idea, Bob, which -she likes best?" - -Bob shook his head. - -"Not me. I wish it was Goby; old Goby is a ripping good sort. He knows -what's what, does old Goby." - -Goby tipped him freely and frequently, and Bob sold him a spavined pony, -aged fifteen years. - -"He's a bit of a fool, of course," said Bob, thoughtfully. "Do you -know, granny, he isn't the judge of horses you'd think he is?" - -"Does Penelope ever confide in you, Bob?" asked Titania. - -There was a touch of anxiety in her voice that the boy felt at once. He -put his head on one side and looked at her out of the corner of his eye. -He didn't answer the question. - -"I say, granny, don't you think I can have a bigger allowance now? I -find mine much too little. If I had ten shillings a week more, I could -get on for a bit." - -"You shall have it," said Titania. "Does she ever confide in you, Bob?" - -"Some," said Bob, carelessly. - -"Which do you think she likes best?" asked Titania. - -"I don't know," said Bob, "but I dare say I could find out. I say, -should you be very angry if it was Gordon?" - -Titania uttered a little scream. - -"Great heavens, Bob, I should die of it!" - -Bob sat down and looked at her. - -"He's not bad, granny, not half mean, oh, no, not at all!" - -He had given Bob as much as he gave Miss Harriet Weekes about three days -before. - -"I rather like him," said Bob. "Pen thinks he's much improved since she -put him in harness with the Frenchy. It touched her his going up in a -balloon. I say, may I go up in a balloon? Rivaulx said I might." - -"No!" screamed his grandmother. "Oh, Bob, you wouldn't?" - -"I won't if you don't want me to," sighed Bob, "but it's a horrid -disappointment. He says going up in one is jolly, and London underneath -is ripping. If I don't, will you ask grandfather to give me another -hunter?" - -"Yes, of course," said poor Titania; "but what do you think about -Penelope? Could you find out anything, Bob, if I let you go and stay -with her?" - -Bob's eyes gleamed. - -"Rather," he said, "of course. But I needn't worry about old Guth if I -do? I've been working very hard, and I think a holiday would do him -good, too. I'm very much overworked. Do I look tired, granny? I -always feel tired now in my head. Guth says a breakdown from overwork is -much worse than most fatal diseases." - -"You shall go to Penelope if she'll have you," said his anxious -grandmother. "Do you have headaches, Bob?" - -"Not headaches," said Bob, "I shouldn't call 'em headaches exactly. -They're pains, and old Guth says he had 'em when he was at Oxford. They -get worse, he says, and then the breakdown comes, and you have to take a -very long rest. I'll go on working if you like, though." - -He sighed. - -"You shall go to your cousin's," said Titania, "and my dear, dear Bob, -keep your eye on Penelope and tell me all you discover. Her ideas are -very strange, you know, and we are all so anxious about her future." - -"So am I," said Bob. "If she married the wrong one I shall be out of -it. I couldn't get on well with old De Vere, and if she married him I'm -quite convinced he wouldn't buy any more dogs. I want her to marry Goby -or Bramber. But I think Bramber is rather mean in some ways, and very -thoughtless of others. I told him I wanted some salmon fishing at his -father's place in Scotland, and he's said nothing about it since." - -"I shouldn't mind Lord Bramber so much," said Titania. "But I'm afraid -it won't be Bramber." - -"Cheer up," said her grandson. "I'll look after her. But don't forget -about the extra ten shillings and the horse. Could you give me the ten -shillings for six weeks now, granny?" - -And he went off to Penelope's house and marched in on her. - -"Pen, I'm coming to stay with you if you'll have me," he said. - -"Of course I will," said Penelope. "But how did you manage it?" - -"I'm overworked," said Bob, solemnly, "and sitting on chairs and -learning Latin don't agree with me. I want more open air, I think, or I -shall get consumption." - -He was fat and ruddy and as strong as a bull-calf. He put his arm around -Pen's neck. - -"I say, Pen, I do love you," he said. "I think it's rot I'm so young, -or I'd have married you myself. Granny's in an awful state about you, -Pen. She asked me if I knew who it was you liked best, and she threw -out hints a foot wide that I was to find out if I could." - -"Indeed," said Pen; "and what did you say?" - -Bob chuckled. - -"I said the best thing would be for me to come and stay with you. And -that's why I'm here. But I say, Pen, I'll never sneak, not even if you -marry Mr. de Vere. Granny's raised my allowance ten bob a week, and I'm -to have another hunter. I got too big for the pony, so I sold him to -Goby; Goby looked very melancholy, but he said he wanted him badly for -some reason. And he said he hoped I'd be his friend always. I like -poor old Goby. I think I'll go into the park, Pen. My things will be -here by and by. Couldn't we go to the theatre to-night? There's a -ripping farce with a fight in it at the Globe. And will you have plum -pudding for dinner, and ice meringues?" - -He went into the park and met Williams there. - -"I say, Mr. Williams, where's Mr. Carew?" he asked. - -"Damn Carew," said Williams. "I don't know where he is, and I don't -want to." - -"I'm staying at my cousin's," said Bob. - -"At Lady Penelope's?" asked the war correspondent. - -"That's it," said Bob. "Would you like to know what theatre we are -going to to-night?" - -"Yes," said Williams, eagerly. - -Bob shook his head. - -"I don't suppose I ought to tell you. Tell me something very exciting -about some bloody war, Mr. Williams." - -Williams grunted. - -"Or an execution. Have you ever seen heads chopped off with a sword?" - -"Often in China, Bob." - -"I say, what fun!" said Bob. "Tell me all about it. Is it true they -smoke cigarettes while they are being chopped? And do they mind? Could -I see one if I went out? I say, if you'll describe it, I'll see if I -can tell you about the theatre." - -Carteret Williams described it. - -"Seventeen!" said Bob. "By Jove, I'll tell this to Penelope. She'll be -greatly interested. Do you think I could be a war correspondent, Mr. -Williams? I'd like to be, because Latin wouldn't be needed. I'm -awfully sorry for war correspondents in those days when no one but the -Roman chaps did any fighting. I've enjoyed that story of yours more -than anything I've heard for years, Mr. Williams. When they write about -these things in books, why don't they describe the blood the way you do? -It's the Globe we're going to; there's a ripping farce there. I wish -they would do an execution of pirates. I say, don't tell Pen I told -you; she might be waxy with me. Think of something else to tell me. -Good-bye." - -And he went to look at the ducks. - -"Williams is all right," said Bob; "I wonder if it is Williams." - -And at home Pen began to know who it was. And Ethel Mytton began to know -it was some one. And so did Chloe Cadwallader. - -Miss Weekes was right, there is no mistake about that. - - - - - *CHAPTER IX.* - - -Penelope was certainly on the verge of being in love, to go no farther -than that. She discovered that certain of the horde had a curious -tendency to disappear from her mind, though none of them lost any -opportunity of appearing in her drawing-room. She was so sorry for those -she didn't love that her kindness to them increased. Her dread of the -one she began to adore forbade her to show how soft she had grown to -him. Not even Ethel and Chloe together could make anything out of it, -which shows every one, of course, that they were two simple idiots, or -that Penelope had a very remarkable character. It seems to me that the -latter must have been the case, for Chloe was no fool in spite of the -folly she had shown on one particular occasion. - -"Am I a fool?" she asked Ethel Mytton, "or is Penelope the deepest, -darkest mystery of modern times? I am convinced she has made her -choice." - -"Oh, which do you think?" asked Ethel, with much anxiety. "Do you--do -you think it is Captain Goby?" - -"I don't know," replied Chloe; "it may be. I give it up. I shall ask -Bob." - -"I've asked him," said Ethel, "and he won't say anything. I think he -knows more than we do. He's a sweet boy, but just as cunning as a -ferret." - -But of course Bob knew no more than they did, though he would never own -to it. He threw out casual hints that he was wiser than his elders, and -the only one he was in the least frank with was Lord Bradstock, who -asked him to lunch and was infinitely amused with him. - -"I say, Lord Bradstock, if you'll keep it dark, I'll tell you -something!" - -Bradstock promised to keep it as dark as a dry plate. - -"All these women think I know who Penelope's sweet on, and I don't. -And, what's more, I wouldn't tell if I did. Would you?" - -"Certainly not," said Bradstock. - -"You can't think how I'm chased," said Bob. "Ethel Mytton is the worst. -She's dead nuts on poor Goby, and Goby doesn't see her when Pen's in the -room. And Mrs. Cadwallader, she's always mugging up to me with -chocolates or something to get things out of me. And the newspaper -Johnnies are on me, too. And Williams takes me out, and Carew (I don't -care for Carew), and I like Goby best. Mr. de Vere is a rotter, don't -you think? The marquis was at Pen's, and he said that if Pen didn't -marry him he'd go up in a balloon and never come back. I want him to -take me in a balloon. Don't you think I might go? Granny's cross when I -speak of it. I've always wanted to go in a balloon, and I think it hard -lines I can't go because she doesn't like 'em. Pen won't go, either. -She thinks that if she did, Rivaulx would never let her come down again, -or something. I daresay he wouldn't; he's quite mad, I think, -sometimes. Baker says all Frenchmen are mad. Do you think so?" - -Bradstock didn't know; he wasn't sure of it, though he owned to thinking -it was possible. - -"After all, Bob," he said, when Bob went at last, "and after all I dare -say Penelope won't marry any of them." - -And of course that is what a good many people said. They said it was -Lady Penelope's fun. The Marchioness of Rigsby, who settled every one's -affairs, said so to Titania. - -"Why wasn't she beaten, my dear, when she was young?" asked the -marchioness. "I was severely beaten; it did me good; it gave me sense. -I always used to beat my girls with the flat of my hand, and now they -are _most_ sensible and married excellently, although I own they are not -beauties. I can afford to own it now. I shall speak to Penelope -myself." - -She did it and was routed. Pen was direct; she beat no one, and -certainly did not beat about the bush. She had no fear of the world, -and dreaded no marchioness. - -"I'll attend to my own affairs, thank you," said Pen. - -"My dear love," said the marchioness, "you ought to have been beaten -while you were still young. This conduct of yours is a scandal. It is -merely a means of attracting public notice. And I am old enough to -speak about it. I will speak about it." - -Pen left her speaking and went out. - -"She is distinctly rude," said the marchioness, viciously. "I wish she -was about ten and I was her mother!" - -But Pen could not endure being spoken to. - -"I love him," said Pen, "and what business is it of theirs? If they -disapprove I shall hate them! If they approve I shall hate them worse. -Oh, I almost wish I was going to marry some one who would make them -die!" - -"Mark me," said the marchioness to Titania, "this will end in her -marrying a groom. Has she a good-looking one?" - -Titania started. - -"Oh, a very good-looking one," she cried. - -"What did I say? Remember what I said," said the marchioness, darkly. -"No really good girl could act as she does. She will marry a groom!" - -She went around saying so in revenge for Penelope's want of politeness. -The journalists took Timothy Bunting's photograph, and Miss Weekes was -proud till she heard the dreadful rumour. Timothy beat a man on a paper, -and Bob was delighted. Titania took to her bed, and said the end of the -world was at hand. Bradstock laughed till he cried, and cut the -marchioness in the park. Her husband was very much pleased at this, and -said it served her right. Chloe Cadwallader wrote her first letter -since the scandal to Cadwallader in the Rockies, for she felt he would -be the only man in the world who hadn't heard of it. Ethel lay wait for -Captain Goby, and asked him to kill some one. There was not a soul in -London who did not hear of it. And then Timothy quarrelled with Harriet -Weekes. He went to Penelope, and with a crimson face and bated breath -and much humbleness asked to be sent down to the country. - -"You shall go," said Penelope, with great decision. "I can trust you, I -know." - -"My lady, you can trust me with untold gold and diamonds," replied -Timothy Bunting, almost with tears. - -"I shall send you to a house of mine you have never heard of," said -Penelope. "And I expect you, Bunting, not to write to any one from -there. I do not wish any one to know I live there." - -"I'll not tell the Harchbishop of Canterbury 'imself, my lady, not if he -begged me on his knees, with lighted candles in his 'and," said Bunting. -"And, above all, my lady, I'll not tell it to Miss Weekes. Her and me -'ave quarrelled, and 'ave parted for hever. And I wouldn't trust her, -my lady, not farther than you can sling a bull by the tail, my lady. -I've trusted her to my rueing, so I have, and if she finds out hanything -she'll sell it to the _Times_, which 'ave promised her a public 'ouse at -a corner." - -This revelation of the methods of Printing House Square shocked Penelope -dreadfully. - -"Oh, I always thought the _Times_ was a respectable journal," she said. - -But Timothy Bunting shook his head. - -"Their sportin' tips ain't a patch on many of the penny papers, my lady. -But don't you forget what I says of Miss Weekes. She's a serpent in -your boodore a-coiling everywhere, and speaking to newspaper men outside -the harea like an 'ousemaid. Not but that I knows an 'ousemaid far above -such dirty work, my lady." - -A little encouragement might have led him to say more about the -housemaid who would not condescend to talk with journalists. But -Penelope gave him an address, verbally. - -"You will go to this place to-morrow," she said. "There are no horses -now, but there will be next week. I trust you to do what I tell you." - -"Miss--my lady, I mean," said Timothy, proudly, "I wouldn't reveal where -I was if the Hemperor of Germany crawled to me for that purpose all -along of the ground, making speeches as he went." - -Penelope smiled at her faithful henchman kindly, and she wondered how it -happened that he thought of placing the emperor in such an absurd -position; a position, too, which was very unlikely. - -"Now are you sure you remember, Bunting?" she asked. - -"Miss Mackarness, Moat 'Ouse, near Spilsby, Lincolnshire," repeated -Timothy. - -"And you will speak personally to Miss Mackarness, who will give you -every instruction," said his young mistress. "I hope you don't drink, -Bunting?" - -"Never," said Bunting, promptly, "at least I won't from now on till you -give the word, my lady. But, my lady, as I'm goin' from here I don't -mind revealin' to you that Mr. Gubbles does. Mr. Gubbles 'as been very -unkind to me, and--" - -"That will do," said Penelope. "Good-bye, Bunting. I expect to see you -in about a month. It may be less." - -"I 'opes, my lady, it will be much less," said the groom, and as he went -away he nodded his close-cropped head. - -"This is a damned rum start," he murmured. "Wot's up, I wonder? This -'ere Miss Mackarness was 'ousekeeper at Upwell Castle, and I'm a -Dutchman if any one of us 'as ever 'eard of Moat 'Ouse. She's goin' to -do it, as she said, goin' to be married and keep it dark. Women is -wonderful strange and, so to speak, dreadful. I thot I knew 'Arriet -Weekes through and through, and she turned out to be a serpent with -false teeth, ready to sell Lady Penelope to the _Times_. And my lady -'as turned me round 'er finger. I'm knee-deep in secret hoaths, and, -without knowin' what I was doin', I've swore off drink. Well, I always -did like ginger-beer!" - -But he sighed all the same. And that afternoon he packed up and -disappeared, and no one knew what had become of him. Neither he nor any -one of those who hunted for news had any notion of the fame which would -presently be his. Nor did Penelope see quite what she had done when this -nice-looking young man suddenly vanished by her orders. - -But Penelope was in love. - - - - - *CHAPTER X.* - - -Love is a pathological state which can only be cured by one means. It -is a disease, and robs the most humourous of their humour. When -Rabelais was in love he no doubt wrote poems which he afterward -destroyed. When Dante was in love he did the Paradiso. When he cheered -up he wrote the Inferno. Neither of these is any joke. But then, Dante -had no more humour than Penelope. It can be imagined (or it cannot be -imagined) how unhumourous Pen became when she found she had made her -choice between Plant and De Vere and Goby and Carew and Williams and -Bramber and Gordon and Rivaulx. She wept at night over those she could -not marry. And it added grief to grief to think that the unmarried -would probably relapse into their evil ways. - -"What can one poor girl do with so many?" she asked. "I'm sure they -will turn around on me, and once more follow their dreadful instincts! -And they have improved so much!" - -The result of her sorrow was such pity that every poor wretch of them -all was convinced she loved him better and better. They were quite -cheerful. They looked at each other almost sympathetically. They grieved -for each other, and struggled on the hard cinder-path of duty, with -Penelope at least a long lap ahead. The amount of good they did was -wonderful. Plant got his university started, Rivaulx went over to Paris -and asked Dreyfus to dinner, Goby was deep in Imperial Yeomanry and -rifle ranges, Bramber spoke on every opportunity in the House and voted -with the insistence of a whip. De Vere wrote a monograph on outdoor -sports, with an appendix on bulldogs. He also owned that poetry was not -everything, and went so far as to say that the poet laureate was a very -good fellow. Gordon floated a company without any water in the capital, -and ran the whole affair with absolute honesty and no waiver clause. -Carew learned to draw, and spoke sober truth about the Chantry Bequest. - -Williams never swore in public, and painted in water-colours. And none -of them played bridge or went into good society. - -"And when they know?" said poor Penelope. - -"I wonder if I ought not to sacrifice him and myself on the altar of -duty?" said Pen. But she was in love, and the motor-car in which she -was to disappear stood ready. She made weekly trips in it with Bob. -Sometimes they stayed away for three days, sometimes even for a week. - -"Oh, Bob, I'm so unhappy: so happy," said Pen. - -And Bob looked at her critically. - -"Well, you look stunning, anyhow," he replied, "you get better looking -every day, Pen. Old De Vere said so. He let on that you were a cross -between a lily and a rose, or some such rot. You mark me, Pen, he'll go -back to poetry if you marry him, and give up dogs. I don't want him to -do that. Baker has some pups coming on, a new kind of very savage dog, -and I'm halves in 'em. Can't you give me a tip as to whether it's De -Vere? If it is, I'll sell him one now, cheap." - -But Pen looked beautiful and kept her mouth shut. Neither Bob nor -Titania nor Bradstock could extract a word from her. And, nevertheless, -the whole world grew suspicious. The society papers said she had made -her choice. The sporting papers gave tips. They said, "For the _Lady -Penelope Stakes_ we give Plant or Bramber," or at least one of them did. -Others selected De Vere, and one rude man said a rank outsider would get -it. Of course he didn't believe in Pen's word. But then, no one did. - -And still Pen kept her teeth shut and was as obstinate as a government -mule to all persuasion. Ethel cried and said: - -"Oh, is it Captain Goby?" - -Chloe laughed and laid traps for Penelope saying: - -"Oh, by the way, I saw Lord Bramber just now." - -Or it might be De Vere or Carew or Williams. But no one got a rise out -of Penelope. - -"I am entirely determined to give a lead to those who wish to be married -without publicity. I shall found a society presently," said Penelope. - -When Titania, whom nothing could discourage, went at her furiously, -Bradstock smiled. - -"If she has a daughter, some day we shall see the girl married in -Westminster Abbey," said Bradstock. But even he was very curious. - -"Have you found out anything yet, Bob?" he asked that young financier. - -"I'm on the way," said Bob, "give me time, Lord Bradstock. I feel sure -it's not De Vere. He's buying all the dogs I offer him. If he was -sure, he wouldn't." - -But Bradstock wasn't certain. Penelope might have no humour, but she -was quite equal to ordering De Vere to buy in order to blind Bob. - -"I never thought of that," said Bob. "I frankly own Pen's a deal worse -than Euclid. And I never thought to say that of anything." - -And upon a certain day in June, when June was doing its best to live up -to the poet's ideal, Pen disappeared, by herself, leaving Bob at home -with Guthrie, who now came over each day to keep the young vagabond -doing something. She came back after lunch, and Bob found her -abnormally silent. She had nothing to say, and there was a curious -far-off look in her eyes. Her interest in dogs was nil; she showed no -appreciation of ferrets; when he spoke she said "Oh" and "Ah" and -"what's that you say?" And Bob had no suspicion whatsoever, just as -clever people never have when they might be expected to show their -wisdom. - -When she did speak, though, it was to the point. - -"I think, Bob, it is time you went back to your grandmother's," she -declared, suddenly, and back he went in spite of all his cajoleries. -Pen was very strange, he thought, and rather beastly. There certainly -was a change in her, for she dismissed Harriet Weekes with a douceur -which did not really sweeten that lady's departure. - -And in the afternoon Pen casually remarked to Chloe that she was going -out of town for three days. When she said so the motor-car was at the -door, and Geordie Smith was there too. - -If Timothy Bunting had known that Smith was as deep in his lady's -confidence as he was himself, he would have been jealous. But he must -have been, for Pen said to him, when they were out of Piccadilly: - -"How long will it take to get to Spilsby, Smith?" - -"My lady, with this new racing-car I'll get there when you like," -replied Smith, firmly. - -Pen remembered that Bob said Smith's ambition was to ride through the -city regardless of fines. - -"I wouldn't try to do it under three hours," she said. - -"Unless we are followed," said Smith. "If we are followed, my lady, may -I let her go?" - -"Yes," said Penelope. - -Geordie Smith nodded to himself. - -"Fines be damned, and legal limits ditto," said Smith to himself; "wait, -my darling, till we get through the traffic." - -He meant "darling" for his new car. He adored it as much as he did his -mistress. He used to dream of it at night and had nightmares about it. -Dream ruffians cut up his tires; he was in the middle of Salisbury Plain -without petrol; "she" refused to spark; he was held up by gigantic -policemen with stop watches the size of a church clock. But now she -moved under him smooth and cosy, with a vast reserve of power; she was -quick, swift, docile, intelligent, fearless of policemen, careless of -the limping law. - -"If my lady wants to go quick, I'm the man," said Geordie. "But I -wonder what's up?" - -Geordie played the car as Joachim plays the violin, or Paderewski the -piano. She skated, she swam, she shot like a water-beetle, she was -responsive to his lightest touch. He heard her music as every engineer -does, and found it as lovely as a dream song. - -"Oh, for a clear road," said the player. He found some of it clear -before they reached Barnet, and then he fingered the keyboard, as it -were, like a master. - -"Horses, horses," said Smith, "the poor miserable things! Ain't I sorry -for Tim Bunting! Here we go, my lady." - -He broke the law magnificently, and with such skill that Penelope -wondered. But only once he ran against the law in the shape of a -policeman, north of Hatfield, who saw him coming and signalled to him to -stop. - -"Shall I?" said Smith. - -"No!" shrieked Pen, against the tide of wind. - -They passed him flying and saw him run as they passed. - -"He'll wire to Hitchin and have us there," said Smith. But he knew his -roads. "Oh, will he?" - -He took the right fork of the roads at Welwyn and roared through -Stevenage to Baldock and found the main road again at Sandy. They -reached Huntington, sixty miles from town, in an hour and three -quarters. - -"And I've never let her out but once," said Smith; "she's a daisy!" - -The eighteen miles to Spilsborough they did at a speed that made -Penelope bend her head. She felt wonderful: she was on a shooting-star. -They slackened on the outskirts of the cathedral city and rolled through -it delicately. She looked about her and remembered the dear bishop who -had christened her when he was no more than a vicar. - -"We'll go by Crowland and Spalding, Smith." A car followed them out of -Spilsborough, and Smith, going easy, looked back and saw it. - -"Catch us, my son," he said, contemptuously. But when they were well -clear of town and he turned her loose, so to speak, Pen's nerve went, or -it appeared to go. - -"Don't go so fast, Smith," she commanded. - -And Smith obeyed sorrowfully. - -"They can't stand it," he said; "none of 'em can stand it really. They -let on they can, but it's no go. A few hot miles gives them the -mulligrubs." - -But nevertheless they were running over thirty miles an hour. The car -behind crawled up to them. - -"All I've got to do, my lady, is to ask her to shake 'em off, and away -we go and leave 'em," he suggested. - -"Oh, no, no," said Pen. - -At Spalding the pursuer, if he were one, was not a hundred yards behind. -But in the town Smith got ahead. He did not see Penelope trembling. -Smith had taken a look at the one behind. - -"There's power there," he said, savagely. "If he lets her out and my -lady squeals, I'm passed!" - -She did "squeal" the other side of Spalding, but not for herself. The -other car had to stop. - -"That's done 'em," said Smith; "they're in the ditch." He gained ten -miles on them, and Penelope wept. - -And just as they were coming into Boston at an easy gait, Smith turned -and saw the other car coming up behind like a meteor, with the dust -astern of her in a fume. - -"That chap can drive after all," said Smith. "Won't you try to let me -get away from him before we get to Spilsby, my lady?" - -"I--I don't want to," said Pen. - -And five miles outside of Spilsby the pursuing car drew up with them. -Two indistinguishable monsters drove it, and through his glaring goggles -Smith glared at them as they came alongside. - -"Stop," said Penelope, suddenly. "Stop, Smith." - -And the other car stopped too. - -"I'll go on with the other car," said Penelope. She took her place by -the most unrecognizable portent of the two, and disappeared in a sudden -and terrific cloud of dust. - -"Damned if I know who it is, even now," said Smith. - - - - - *CHAPTER XI.* - - -It was Friday when Penelope disappeared from London in a motor-car, and -was carried off by a motor pirate, unknown to any one, because he wore a -peak cap, a fur coat with the fur outside, and gigantic goggles, making -him resemble a diver or a cuttlefish. - -It was Monday when she returned to town in a motor-car with Geordie -Smith. And all the way into town Geordie said: - -"Blessed if I'd ha' thought it. I always reckoned it would have been -one of the others. I lose money on this, but if I do, it warms the -cockles of my heart to see my lady happy. Bless her sweet face, I wish -she'd leave the blooming world alone and have a good time. I never set -eyes on such an aggravatin' beautiful sweet lady for interferin' with -men. Just as if the queen herself could alter our ways! Women always -gas that they can or mean to, and they're just like hens with men for -ducks." - -If he had been a classical scholar he might have remembered Ariadne up -to her knees in the sea, with her lover on the deep in a boat. - -"When I saw who it was at Moat House," said Geordie, "you could have -knocked me endwise with something less than a steel spanner. And that -horse-whipping ass of a Bunting was equal took aback. For somehow we -never spotted him as likely to make the non-stop run. Humph, humph!" - -And he left Penelope at her house just in time for afternoon tea. As -she lay on the sofa she handed a paper to Chloe Cadwallader, saying: - -"I wish you would send out cards to all these people for Thursday -night." - -"That's very short notice, darling," said Chloe. - -"They'll come," said Pen. - -And when Chloe looked at the list she found it included only Pen's -particular friends, her most bitter relations, and the whole of the -"horde." - -"I wonder--" said Chloe, and she wondered somewhat later with Ethel. - -"Is it?" said Ethel. - -"Can it be?" cried Chloe. - -"It can't be," said Ethel. - -"Who knows?" asked Chloe. "She is so plain and so simple and -straightforward that there is no certainty about anything she does. I -understand the wicked and the weak, but Penelope--" - -She threw up her hands, and presently wrote out the cards. And Penelope -was trying "to a degree," as Chloe said all Monday and Tuesday and -Wednesday. And on Thursday she sent for Bob, who came helter-skelter in -a hansom. - -"You'll stand by me, Bob," said Pen, clutching him. - -Bob put his hands in his pockets and stood straddle-legs. He stared at -her. What was hidden from the wisdom of Chloe was revealed to the -simplicity of this boy. - -"Pen," said Bob, solemnly, "I'll stick by you till death. But ain't you -going to tell me who it is?" - -"Who what is?" asked Pen, feebly. - -"Him," said Bob. "Pen, you've been and gone and done it." - -Pen, the strong and mighty Pen, wept a little. - -"Don't snivel," said Bob. "It can't be helped now, I suppose, unless -you get a divorce. Do you want one?" - -"Oh, no!" said Pen. "Not at all!" - -Bob considered the matter for a few minutes. - -"I say, what makes you cry?" he asked. - -"I--I don't know," said Penelope. - -"Girls are very rum. Baker says they are. He's not married, you know. -He says mules are easy to them. He drove mules once in India, he says. -You know you are doing all this off your own bat, Pen, ain't you? Why -don't you chuck it?" - -"Chuck what, dear?" - -"Oh, this notion of not letting on. Baker says it's the rummest start -he ever knew, and he says he's seen some rum things in his life, -especially when he was a sergeant in the Dublin Fusiliers. Can't you -chuck it?" - -"Oh, no, certainly not," said Pen, firmly. "It's only, Bob, that I'm -not used to it yet, you see." - -"Of course not," said Bob. "Being married is strange at first, I -suppose. Baker says he knew a woman who was married four times, and by -the fourth time she wasn't nervous to speak of. But is it true, Pen, -that you won't tell any one who it is?" - -"I won't," said Pen. - -"Bravo," cried Bob. "Stick to it. Oh, it will make granny so savage! -Has Bill spoken about it to you?" - -"He laughs," said Pen. "He always does laugh." - -"He tells rattling good stories," said Bob. "He told me a splendid one -about a man who stole a parrot the other day. I'll tell it you sometime -when I remember it. Is anything going to happen to-night, Pen?" - -Pen shivered. - -"Oh, dear, I don't know. Mind you come, too, Bob." - -Bob vowed he wouldn't miss coming for worlds. - -"I believe you're thinking of telling 'em you've done it," he said, and -Pen said she was thinking of telling them. - -"You won't tell me who it is? I'm as close as wax," urged Bob. - -"I can't, dear," said Pen. - -"Oh, by Jove, I remember Bill's parrot story, Pen. A man stole a -parrot, and when he was caught he said he took it for a lark. And the -man who owned it said he'd make a bally fine judge at a bird-show." - -"Oh," said Pen, rather blankly; "but if he only took it for a lark, I -suppose they let him off. Did they?" - -"Let him off what?" - -"Why--going to prison, of course," said Pen. - -"I don't know," replied Bob, staring. "Don't you see it's a joke?" - -"Yes, I see, of course," said Pen. "Why, the man said it was a lark, -and it was a parrot. I think it's a very good story, Bob." - -And Bob went away wondering whether it was or not. - -"I'll tell it to Baker," he said, thoughtfully. - -He turned up at nine o'clock that night with Titania, who was in a state -of mind requiring instant attention from a physician. - -"Good heavens, what is it, I wonder," said Titania. "Robert, I wonder -what it is? But what do you know? I am in a tremble; I am sure she -will do or say something even more scandalous than she has done yet. I -put it all on Bradstock; to make him her guardian was a fatal error. My -nerves--but I have none. I quiver like a jelly; I shake; I must be pale -as a ghost. Why should we take so much trouble over anything? I must -think of myself. I will go to bed and stay there for a week, and send -for Dr. Lumsden Griff." - -But Bradstock was as calm as a philosopher without anything in the -objective world to worry him. - -"What does it matter?" he inquired. "Does anything matter?" - -Brading, whom no one had seen for many months, as he had spent the whole -winter in a yacht down the Mediterranean, was perfectly good-humoured. - -"You see, she's a dear, but only my half-sister after all," he said to -Bradstock, "and women are so wonderful! I can tell you a story by and -by of a Greek lady, and one about a Spaniard. And, to tell the truth, I -almost agree with Pen. I'm a bit of a socialist, or an anarchist, if -you like. Have you read Nietzsche?" - -"Who wrote it?" asked Bradstock. - -But the horde came in one by one, and Penelope, who was dressed in the -most unremarkable costume at her disposal, and looked like a lily, -received them at the door. - -"A most awful and improper situation," said Titania. - -"I say, I'll tell you about that Greek girl," said Brading. "Do you -think Pen could stick a knife in a fellow?" - -Bradstock didn't think so, and listened to the story of the lady who -suggested the notion. - -"Right through my coat and waistcoat," said Brading. "Only a very stiff -piece of starch saved my life!" - -"Good heavens!" cried Bradstock. - -The room was full, and Bob buzzed around it like a bluebottle in an -orchard. - -"Oh, I say," he cried to every one. He told the story of the parrot -after he had asked Brading whether he had it right. He tried it on De -Vere and failed. Goby roared handsomely. Bramber was absent-minded -with his eye on Penelope. Gordon said, "Yes, yes, a ripping good story." -The Marquis de Rivaulx balked at it, but was led to understand it. - -"And when can I go up in a balloon?" asked Bob. He waited for no -answer, but told it to Williams, suggesting that the war correspondent -might pay for it by a story with blood and torture in it, please. And -all of a sudden it was noticed that the hostess had slipped out of the -room. - -"Where--where is Penelope?" asked trembling Titania. "Mrs. Cadwallader, -where is Lady Penelope?" - -Bob ran her to earth in her bedroom, and after many appeals he was let -in. - -"Oh, dear, oh, dear," said Penelope. "Bob, let me take hold of you. Do -I tremble?" - -"Rather," said Bob. "I'll bet you couldn't drink a glass of wine -without spilling it. What's wrong? Buck up. Ain't you comin' in to -tell 'em? I've broken it a bit for you." - -Pen screamed. - -"You wretched boy, what have you done?" - -"Bless you, nothing to speak of," said Bob. "I only said you would make -'em sit up presently. They think I know something, and want to bribe me. -I say, Pen, if you say nothing for a few days, I believe old Gordon will -make me a director. Can you? I want to make money and restore the -family property. I say, do." - -But Pen paid no attention to him. She groaned instead. - -"Where's the pain?" asked Bob, anxiously. "Shall I get you some brandy?" - -"No, no, Bob! I _must_ go in and tell them." - -"Come on, then," said Bob, eagerly. "I don't care about the -directorship. They're all white and shaking. I _guess_ they _are_ in a -stew." - -But still Pen did not move, and when Chloe came she sent her away, -saying, "In a moment, in a moment!" - -Then Bob had a brilliant idea. - -"I say, Pen, I'll do it!" - -"Do what?" - -"I'll go in and tell 'em you've done it. It would be a lark!" - -But Pen shook her head. - -"No, I must, I will be brave. If a woman has ideas she must live up to -them. I have done good so far. Are they not very much improved, Bob?" - -"Some, I think," said Bob, carelessly. "But I dare say they'll go -regular muckers now. Come on, Pen, I do want to see their jaws drop." - -And Pen went with him. She stayed outside the door, and Bob went in -first. - -"She's coming," said Bob. And Pen entered with her eyes on the floor. -Bob took her hand. - -"Buck up and spit it out," he said, in an encouraging whisper, which was -audible in the farthest corner of the room. Some of the horde turned -pale; Titania fell back in her chair; Bradstock leant against the wall. -Brading put up his eyeglass, and then told Bradstock Pen reminded him of -a girl who had once tried to smother him with a pillow. - -"She had Penelope's straightforwardness, and never gave in, just like -Pen," said Brading, thoughtfully. - -And now Penelope took hold of her courage, so to speak, and opened her -mouth. - -"S-sh," said Bob, who looked on himself as the master of the ceremonies, -"s-sh, I say." - -And he took hold of Pen's hand. - -"I'm so glad to see you here to-night," said the reformer, "for I am so -much interested in you all, you see. And you've all been so brave." - -"Hear, hear," said Bob. - -"So brave in different ways, about balloons and motor-cars and curing -yourselves of your weak points," went on Penelope. "That's what I hoped -my influence would do. I said I was only a girl, but even a girl ought -to do something, and I knew you all liked me very much, for you all said -so, and I said, what can I do for you? And I did my best, and you did -yours, I'm sure, for I've heard from every one of you all about the -others." - -This made many of them look rather queer, as no doubt it might. - -"And months ago I said--I said--" - -"Go ahead, Pen," whispered Bob. "You mean you said you'd marry one of -'em." - -"I said I'd--marry one of you." - -Titania groaned in the corner of a vast settee. Bradstock and Brading -whistled, or it seemed so. But the other poor wretches stared at -Penelope, and saw no one, heard no one, but her. - -"And I wanted you to come to-night so that I could ask you all to go on -in the path of rectitude and simplicity and courage, balloons and hard -work and healthiness and thought for others, even if I was married," -said Pen, with a gasp. "Will you, oh, will you?" - -"We will," said the crowd, Goby leading with a deep bass voice and tears -in his eyes. - -"Oh, I'm so glad," said Penelope, "for I shall not have lived in vain -even if I died to-night. And now--and now--I have to tell you -something." - -"Great heavens," said Titania, in an awestricken and penetrating -whisper, "what is she going to say now?" - -"I have kept my word," said Penelope, with her eyes on the floor. "I -have kept my word!" - -"What--what word?" asked the collapsed duchess, and Pen tried to say -what word she had kept. - -"Speak up," said Bob, "speak up, Pen!" - -And she did speak up. - -"For--for," gasped Penelope, "for, you see, I _have_ married one of -you!" - -Titania uttered a scream and promptly fainted. The men looked at each -other furiously and suspiciously, while Pen was on her knees beside the -poor duchess. At that moment a message was brought in for Gordon, and -an urgent note from the whip for Bramber. Brading stood in a corner and -whistled. Bradstock shrugged his shoulders, and Bob buzzed all over the -room like a wasp in a bottle. By dint of water and smelling-salts and -the slapping of hands Titania was brought to, and when she had recovered -consciousness to the extent of knowing what it was that had bowled her -over, she uttered words on the spur of the moment which were almost as -much of a bombshell as those Penelope had spoken. - -"I don't believe she's married at all," said Titania. - - - - - *CHAPTER XII.* - - -To talk about the grounds of certainty is to talk metaphysically, and -metaphysics being the highest form of nonsense, becomes sense in that -altitude, as it must be if Hegel is to be believed. But in the conduct -of life the grounds of certainty are an estate beyond the rainbow. If -Penelope believed any one thing with more fervour than another, it was -that her truthfulness must be self-evident. The course of events after -the evening on which Titania fainted and recovered so sharply showed her -that nothing was certain, not even self-evident truths. For though she -said she was married, few, if any, believed her. Titania, who believed -in her intuitions, as all right-minded women must, because reason is -only an attribute of man, declared that Penelope had lied, to put it -plainly. She invented an hypothesis to account for it. - -"She found out she didn't want to marry any of them, and her courage to -say so failed her. This notion of hers gives her time, and of course, -my dear, as you see from what I say, she's not married in the least." - -Bradstock, who was a philosopher, disagreed with her, and agreed with -Bob. - -"Not married in the least, eh?" said Bradstock. "What is the least -degree of marriage which would meet with your moral approval, Titania?" - -"Don't talk nonsense, Augustin," replied Titania, tartly. - -"I cannot help it," said Augustin, "the situation is so absurd." - -And so it was for every one but the Duchess and Penelope, who did not -understand a joke even with illustrations. And they undoubtedly had the -illustrations. There were leading articles in several papers on the -subject of marriage, with discreet allusions to Penelope's case. There -was a long and rabid correspondence in the _Daily Turncoat_, a new -halfpenny paper, to which every lady with a past or a future -contributed. The editor of the _Dictator_ wrote a moral essay with his -own hand, obvious to every student of his immemorial style, which proved -that another such case would knock the bottom out of the British Empire -and bring on protection. He showed that marriage, open and -unadulterated, in a chapel, at the least, was the minimum on which -morality could exist, and he pointed out with sad firmness that the -ethical standards of the true Briton were the only decent ones at -present unfurled in the universe, and that they were in great danger of -being rolled up and put away. As every one knows, all he said was -undoubtedly fact. The true Briton is the only moral person in the -world. As a result Penelope felt that she wasn't a true Briton, and it -made her very mournful, as it should have done. Nothing but her native -obstinacy, which was imperial if not British, made her stick to her -ideas, when her half-brother came to her and asked her crudely to -"chuck" it. For, though he was humourous, it was past a joke now, and -his admiration of Pen was tinged with alarm. - -"I say, old girl, chuck it," said Bill. - -"I can't! I won't!" said Penelope. - -"Nobody believes you." - -Penelope couldn't help that. - -"I've spoken the truth." - -"Why, even the other men don't believe it," said her brother. "Why, I -met three of 'em to-day, and they all said, 'Oh, yes, we understand.' I -say, Pen, this is too much. Chuck it!" - -"Once for all, dear, I won't," said Penelope. "Much as I dislike this -publicity, I see it is doing good. I get letters every day from scores -of people saying that I am doing good. Three to-day declared that they -were following my example in a registrar's office, and three more are -thinking of it. One lady writes, saying she hopes I would go in for -abolishing marriage altogether when public opinion was prepared for the -extinction of the race. I don't agree with her, but she was -enthusiastic, and enthusiasm is a great thing." - -"I shall go yachting for a year," said Bill. - -"I wish you would, dear Bill," replied Penelope. "It will do you good. -You look quite pale, and I don't like you to do that. Have you any -cough?" - -"Damn it, no," said Brading, crossly. - -And he went yachting again without publicity but with a lady. He was no -true Briton, and never read the _Dictator_. - -His departure took one thing off Pen's hands, but none of her lovers -departed. Titania's words had sunk deep in their minds. - -"She's not married," they said. "And if she says she is, it is only to -try us." - -They all interviewed Bob, and made things very pleasant for that rising -statesman. If he believed Pen was married there was no reason to say so -openly. - -"Am I old enough to be a director, do you think?" he asked Gordon. -"What I want is to make pots of money and rebuild Goring, which is a -bally ruin." - -"You don't answer my questions," said Gordon. - -"Oh, about Pen," said Bob. "She's queer. I don't know, Mr. Gordon, I -can't tell. She may be, for all I know. She's so clever, I don't know -that she hasn't married you, and put you up to coming and asking me -questions." - -Gordon couldn't help grinning. - -"I think you'll be a director of something some day," said he. "I can't -make you one now, but if you have a hundred pounds I'll invest it in -something for you, my son, that will make your hair curl." - -"Like yours?" asked Bob, curiously, and Gordon flinched. - -"Well," went on Bob, without waiting for an answer, "I haven't a hundred -pounds, but I've an idea how to get it." - -"Yes?" said the financier. "What's your idea, Bob?" - -"It's a safe and a certain investment, is it?" - -"Why, of course," replied Gordon. - -"Then I'll tell you what, you lend it me," said Bob, brightly, "and -invest it for me." - -"Damned if I don't," cried Gordon. "Bob, when you are twenty-one I'll -make you a director and ask your advice! And you'll come and tell me if -you find out anything about Lady Penelope?" - -Bob looked at him and shook his head. - -"I say, you're so clever, I don't know how to take you. I dare say it's -you!" - -The flattered financier smiled. - -"Oh, by the way," said Bob, rather in a hurry, "I suppose I should get -nearly as much if I invested ninety pounds as if I put in a hundred?" - -"Nearly," said Gordon, who hoped to be let off a little, "only ten per -cent. less." - -"That'll do me," said Bob. "Then you can give me the tenner now, Mr. -Gordon, and put in the rest for me." - -"I wish I had a boy like that," said Gordon. He went away ten pounds -poorer, but with a great admiration for Bob, who was determined to -restore the faded splendour of Goring. - -"Hanged if I know who it is," said Bob. "It may be Gordon after all. -And every one but De Vere and Bramber have been at me. Is it one of -these?" - -He had a remarkable list of all those who had pretended to Penelope's -hand, for he was very curious, like all the rest of the world. He was -also a little sore with Pen for not confiding in him. - -"I told her I'd find out," he said, "and I will." - -This was his list, and a curious document it was, written in a big, -round hand that "old Guth" could never get him to modify. His spelling -was almost ducal in its splendour. - - -"_Plant_. It isn't Mr. Plant, because he said would I like to go out in -a motor, a new one, ninety-horse power, and I said rather, if he'd let -her rip. And he looked anshious I thought. He tiped me. - -"_Goby_. It isn't Goby, Goby says he'll always be my friend. He said -had I another pony not sound, to experiment with. He stamped up and -down, some. He tiped me. - -"_Williams_. It isn't Williams, he took me to lunch and told me lots of -things about the Chinese that his paper wouldn't print. They were -orful. He said if I'd keep in with him he knew worse. He didn't tip me -this time because the lunch was so much. I had turtell three times. - -"_Rivaulx_. It isn't the Frenchy because he tore his hair, and said I -could go up in a baloon any day. At least, he didn't tear his hair; -it's too short. He keeps it up with Gordon too but looks horrid. He -tiped me. - -"_Carew_. It isn't him. He's very anxshus and says he can't paint: -says the crittics are right. He was a sad sight to see, walking around -in his studio. He said would I sit to him for an angel. He stops -walking and tries to do Pen quick. I think it's muck. I wouldn't like a -tip from him, for if an artist can't paint through grief what becomes of -him? Do the others buy him for the Chantrey Bequest?" - - -"That's the lot so far," said Bob. And he added to his notes: - - -"_Gordon_. It isn't Gordon. He lent me a hundred pounds to invest in -something to make hair curl. I said make it ninety and give me ten now, -and he did. He didn't tip me, but I don't think him mean on that -account." - - -"That leaves only De Vere and Bramber," said Bob, "and she never seemed -much stuck on either to my mind. But if they don't say anything to me I -shall begin to suspect." - -He said so to Bradstock, who called him a young devil. - -But about three days later Bob added to his notes: - - -"_Bramber_. It isn't Bramber. I met him in the park. He took me to -the House and gave me a beastly lunch. But he didn't notice it as he -couldn't eat and looked very pale and savidge. He tiped me. - -"_De Vere_. It's not the poetry rotter. He wants me to stay with him -and look after the dogs. He said if I had a sick one he'd rather have -it than not. He said he was desprit. I don't know why, but suppose it's -Pen. He tiped me." - - -"Now where am I at?" he said, blankly. "I've written down it isn't any -of 'em. And that's what granny says. But I don't believe her." - -He chewed his pencil till it was in rags, and then a sudden idea struck -him. - -"I'll buy all Sherlock Holmes and read him right through," said Bob. -"That's the way to find out anything. I wish I knew the man that wrote -him. I wonder if De Vere knows him? I'll ask Baker to get a sick dog -from the vet's, and I'll go down and stay with De Vere if I can make -granny say 'yes.' I wonder why old De Vere wants a sick dog, though. I -can't understand poets." - -It was no wonder Gordon wished he had a boy like Bob. - - - - - *CHAPTER XIII.* - - -It was all very well for Bob to declare that his grandmother was -altogether "off it" when she said that Penelope wasn't married at all. -For, little by little, after furious discussions in ten thousand houses, -in the court, the camp, and the grove, that came to be the general -opinion. - -Titania expressed the general opinion: - -"She is mad, of course. What can one expect when her mother was an -American? All Americans are mad. Bradstock assures me there is a -something in the air of the United States (oh, even in Canada) which -makes one take entirely new views of everything. And that, of course, -is madness, my dear, madness undoubted and dangerous. He assured me, -poor fellow, that six months in that absurd country made him tremble for -his belief in a constitutional monarchy! He adds that he has only -partially recovered, by firmly fixing his eyes on what a limited monarch -might be, if he tried. Yes, she was an American, and adored our -aristocracy, not knowing what we are, poor thing. And yet where -Penelope's ideas come from I do not know. I firmly believe Bradstock is -the cause of them. When she was a little girl he would take her on his -knee and pour anarchism into her innocent ears. You know his way; he -runs counter to everything, though now comparatively silent. And -Penelope was always ready to go against me, though she loves me. This -was an early idea of hers; Augustin owns that he suggested it -humourously to her years ago. There is nothing so dangerous as humour; -it is always liable to be taken seriously. Mr. Browning, the poet, said -so to me at a garden-party; he said he was a humourist, and he said Mr. -Tennyson (oh, yes, Lord Tennyson) lacked humour, while he himself had -too much of it. He explained Sordello to me, and made me laugh -heartily. But as I was saying, Penelope took up the idea and gave it -out, and now is sorry, and, not having the courage to say so, she has -taken refuge in what I am reluctantly compelled to characterize as a -lie, and it is a great relief to me. The scandal will blow over; -already the halfpenny papers are tired of her. I expect she will marry -by and by. Oh, no, of course she isn't married!" - -And as Penelope's ideas were in every way absolutely contrary to what -one has a right to expect, it is only natural that, proof of the -contrary being lacking, the whole world began gradually to come around -to Titania's opinion. A duchess has a great deal of influence if she -only likes to use it, and the public is no more proof against her than -the public offices are. - -And Pen set her teeth together and ignored every one, and had very -little to say to society. Her apparent passion was for motor-cars, and -she went out in the sixty-horse Panhard almost every day. And every end -of the week she disappeared, coming back on Monday or Tuesday. - -"I could tell 'em something," said Geordie Smith, "couldn't I, old -girl?" - -The "old girl" he referred to was the machine he loved next best, at -least, to Lady Penelope. - -"Me and Bunting could wake 'em up some," he said. "I'd like Bunting if -he'd only get rid of the notion that horses are everything. I hope to -see the time when there won't be any except in parks, running wild like -deer." - -It was an awful notion, and it was a wonder that he and Bunting got on -without fighting. - -"My lady _uses_ your bloomin' tracking engine," said Tim, -contemptuously, "but she _loves_ 'orses. You can't give carrots to your -old thing, and it ain't got no smooth and silky muzzle to pat. Faugh! -the smell of it makes me sick; give me the 'ealthy hodour of the stable, -Smith!" - -"Find me a horse that'd carry her and me a hundred and twenty miles in -three hours and damn the expense in fines," replied Smith, "and I'm with -you. My lady loves this car a'most as much as I do. Who can catch her -and me, flying along? Let 'em come, let 'em try, and I'll put her out to -the top notch and let her sizzle. You come out and try, Tim; one drive -and you'll be another man, looking on horses as what they are, mere -animals and not up to date. My lady's up to date and beyond it." - -"When I go in your bally machine hit'll be by my lady's horders," said -Timothy, "and it'll be tryin' my hallegiance very 'ard. Come and 'ave a -drink, if you hain't too advanced for that! 'Ave you been chased lately -as you brought my lady 'ome?" - -"I thought I was," replied Smith, "but I shook 'em off. I'm egging her -on to get a ninety-horse in case. That young cousin of hers let on to -me that she'll be followed up some day, and I told her. She'll do it!" - -"I wonder what's her game?" said Tim. "Blowed if I hunderstand." - -"So far's I see," replied Smith, "it's a general notion that a party's -private biz is their private biz. And the others says it isn't, and -there's where the trouble begins. I agree with her in a measure, don't -you?" - -"I agrees with my lady hevery time," said Tim. "She's a sweet lady, and, -my word, if I didn't I'd get the sack, which I don't want. What she -says she sticks to, bein' in that different to hany woman I never met. -That's what the trouble is, that and reformin' lovers and husbands and -law and so hon!" - -But the real trouble was that what she said she stuck to. She began to -care much less for reform, and now never read Herbert Spencer and the -greater philosopher, who has discovered that man doesn't think so much -of yesterday as he does of to-morrow. She forgot the Deceased Wife's -Sister, and ignored the London County Council, and didn't read the -_Times_ except on great occasions. She spent the days in dreaming, and, -except when she was devouring the space between London and Lincolnshire, -she lay about on sofas and read poetry or listened to Bob, and looked -ten thousand times more beautiful than ever, like the Eastern beauties, -of whom one reads in the Arabian Nights, returning from the bath. She -was wonderfully affectionate to Bob, who was a most considerate boy, and -didn't worry her when he had once discovered that asking questions was -no use. He told her of his vain efforts to find out whom she had -married, and was very amusing. He began to have great ambitions. - -"Mr. Gordon says I've a great future before me, Pen. He thinks no end -of me. He says being a duke by and by is all very well, but I agree -with him there are greater things than merely being one. He says the men -with power are the rulers of the world. He told me how he and -Rothschild stopped a war in a hurry. He didn't say which war. I asked -him why he didn't stop the South African War, and he said that was -different. I asked him did he bring it on then, and he said 'No.' But -I think he did, somehow. Will you ask old Sir Henry if he did? I don't -like Sir Henry, though, do you?" - -He went on to tell her about Sherlock Holmes. - -"I'm reading him through again, Pen. And when I go down to De Vere's I -shall ask De Vere to invite the man that wrote him. I'm going to De -Vere's to take him a sick dog. He said he wanted one, and I've got one -from Baker. Baker says he must want to vivisect him, and he doesn't -like the idea. Baker's a very kind man to animals, but I've given my -word that the dog sha'n't be vivisected. You don't think a poet would, -do you? Did you tell him to learn to be a vet or anything? If you did, -that would explain it. I've been through the whole list, Pen, and, -though I won't worry you, I've come to the conclusion so far that I -don't know which you've married. If I find out I won't tell." - -"You're a dear," said Pen, languidly. - -"I've got a notion how to find out, though," said Bob. "At least, I -shall have when I've finished Sherlock Holmes. I'd rather be Sherlock -Holmes than a duke. It seems to me that unless you are the Duke of -Norfolk or the Duke of Devonshire you are out of it. Being a common -duke is dull, but being Holmes must be very exciting." - -One thing that he told her made her think furiously. - -"Not one of 'em really believes you, Pen, and they're much more jealous -of each other than they were. I believe they'll be fighting presently." - -"Don't talk nonsense," said Pen, anxiously. - -Bob shrugged his shoulders, a trick he had caught from the marquis. - -"It's not nonsense. I can see bloodshed in their eyes. The marquis -looks awfully ferocious, and Williams, too. Of course, I don't say that -Gordon would fight much. And I should snigger to see old De Vere in a -duel, shouldn't you? But if Bramber and the marquis and Williams and -Goby get together, I shouldn't be surprised if they fought with swords -or guns. I think Rivaulx would like that. He would stick them all and -make 'em squeal, I can tell you. He's a whale at fencing. He took me -to see him once, and when he stamped and said 'Ha-ha,' like a war-horse, -I wondered the other man didn't run." - -"If they had a duel, any of them, I shouldn't speak to them again," said -Penelope. "I abhor duels and warfare and weapons, and think they should -be abolished in universal peace. And as I am married now, Bob, I hope -you will do what you can to make them believe it." - -"You can make 'em believe it at once," said Bob. "I do think this is -absurd. And don't you see it's funny, too, Pen?" - -"No," said Pen, "it's not. It's right, and what is right can't be -funny." - -Bob reflected. - -"Well, there's something in that. It ain't much fun generally." - -And he returned to Sherlock Holmes. - -"I wonder what he would do," said Bob to himself, pensively. "There -ain't any footsteps or blood in this. I suppose he'd take a look at Pen -and then have a smoke and go out in a hansom and come back very tired. -I've looked at Pen a lot, but smoking still makes me sick, and I don't -know where to go in a hansom. And I think Holmes would think it mean to -follow her when she goes off with Smith in her car. Besides, a hansom -can't catch a sixty-horse Panhard unless it breaks down. I think he -would get at it by looking at the men." - -That put him on the track of a dreadful scheme, a most wicked and -immoral scheme, that his hero would have disapproved of. - -"I believe I have it," said Bob, starting up in wild excitement. "If I -go around to them all and say that I'm sure she's not married, but that -she loves the one they hate most, they will jump and be in a rage, won't -they? I should be, I know. And the one that doesn't jump will be him. -I dare say De Vere won't jump, but he's not a jumping sort, but he'll -cry, likely. Rivaulx _will_ snort if it isn't him." - -He sat and pondered over this lovely scheme. - -"But if she loves one of 'em, why don't she own it to him, and why this -mystery? They'll ask that, of course. Oh, but that doesn't matter; -they'll do the snorting first. And, besides, I could let on that not -all of them are in earnest. Ain't it possible that the one she loves -won't ask her now, and she's covering up her disappointment? That would -make Rivaulx fairly howl, I know. He's a real good chap, and between -howling and weeping he says he wants her to be happy. I'll do it." - -He went off to do it at once. - -"Ha, ha, my beautiful boy," said the Marquis of Rivaulx, whom he found -in his rooms in Piccadilly, "have you come with news for me, the devoted -and despairing?" - -"Well, I don't know, marquis," returned Bob, soberly. "I've been -thinking about it, and I'm in a state of puzzle." - -"And I am in a state of the devil himself," replied Rivaulx. "I suspect -every one. I am enraged. I suspect you, Bob, my boy." - -Bob shook his head. - -"I suspect you, too. I've never got over thinking that it may be you," -he said, "for you are all just like each other, and it's obvious some -one is telling me lies." - -Rivaulx smiled, a deep and dark French smile, which was agonizing to -behold. It puzzled Bob dreadfully. - -"There," he said, "you smile, and so does Pen, and you all smile. But I -believe I've discovered something." - -"About who or which?" asked Rivaulx. "Is it about that Goby?" - -He might loathe Gordon, but he was jealous of Goby. He promenaded the -room, and was already in a rage. - -"Yes," said Bob, boldly. "I believe she's not married, and I believe -she likes him best." - -"The hound, the vile one, the unmeasured beast," roared Rivaulx, "it -cannot be. If she loves him (no, I can't believe it), why does she not -wed him? I shall slay him. Is she unhappy? Does she weep? I adore her, -but if she loves him he shall marry her or I will stab him to the -heart." - -"I dare say he's not in earnest," said Bob. And the marquis ground his -teeth and foamed at the mouth, and again tried to tear his close-cropped -hair without the least success. - -"Not--oh, sacred dog of a man,--ha--let me kill him!" - -He tore around the room and knocked two ornaments off the mantelpiece -and upset a table, which Bob laboriously restored to its place. After -he had put it back three times, he gave it up and cowered under the -storm. - -"I shouldn't be surprised if this was put on," said Bob, rather -gloomily. "I know he can act like blazes; Pen says he can. She said he -was finer than Irving or Toole in a tragedy. I don't think it has the -true ring of sincerity." - -And making his escape from the cyclone, he went off to see Goby, who was -hideously jealous of Carteret Williams. - -"I hope he won't be as mad as the marquis," said Bob. "That table -barked my shins horribly the last time it fell. I wish Frenchmen -wouldn't shout so when they're angry; I'm nearly deaf." - -There was the devil to pay with Goby. He announced his intention of -assaulting Williams at once. - -"Oh, I say, you mustn't," cried Bob, in great alarm. "She'll never -forgive you." - -"That Williams!" said Goby. "I always did hate war correspondents. I -don't believe it." - -But it looked as if he did. - -"I dare say you are putting it on," cried Bob. "I don't know where I -am." - -Goby said he didn't, either, but that if this turned out to be true he -would wring Williams's neck in the park the first fine Sunday in June. - -"He would have acted just the same if he was married to her, and thought -she loved Williams best after all," said Bob to himself. "I'll try -Bramber and Williams, and then give it up." - -Bramber was in a furious temper, and when Bob assured him that Penelope -loved Gordon best of any one, he swore horribly. As he rarely swore, -this was very impressive, and Bob almost shivered. - -"I say, you mustn't kick Gordon," he urged. "After all, I may be -mistaken." - -"I wish you were dead," said Bramber, "and you will be if you don't get -out." - -Bob got out, and when he was in the open air he sighed. - -"I don't think I'll try Williams," he said, thoughtfully. "He's much -bigger and stronger even than Goby, and they say he's a terror when he's -very angry. My scheme doesn't seem to work; there's something wrong -with it." - -But there was nothing wrong with it, and it worked marvellously. The -report that Bob said positively that Pen wasn't married carried much -weight. Goby and Rivaulx both gave it away. And all the men now loathed -each other openly. Rivaulx cut Goby and Goby cut Williams and Bramber -sneered at Gordon, and there was great likelihood of there being the -devil to pay. Pen tried to patch up peace among them, and failed, and -wept about it, seeing so much of the good she had done melt like sugar -in warm rain. At last she announced her intention of leaving them and -the world alone. - -"I almost think I'll give up reform," she sighed. - -And the season went by and the autumn came, and Titania found herself at -Goring in October with a large house-party which didn't include -Penelope. - -"She is, of course, somewhat ashamed of herself," said Titania, happily. -"This comes of having ideas and foolishly attempting to carry them into -practice. Now that I am certain she is not married and that she only -says so, I feel quite different. I no longer abhor the poor, foolish -men who are so much in love with her. I see plainly (for I, too, am -naturally a democrat of the proper kind) that they have fine qualities. -I have marked my sense of this in a way which appears to amuse Lord -Bradstock for some reason that I do not follow,--but then, I never could -follow Augustin, poor fellow,--by asking them all down here. I dare say -they think Penelope will come, for they have all accepted. I am -delighted, for I really admire them. Mr. Carew is the handsomest young -man in London, and will paint my portrait between meals. I wonder -whether I shall try to get thinner by eating less, or will it be better -to tell Mr. Carew to make me thinner in his picture. That seems the -easiest course; for if Penelope's conduct has not made me thin, what -would? Neither hot weather nor despair has the least effect upon me. I -shall trust to Mr. Carew's idea of what is right and proper. I wish I -could rely with equal confidence upon poor, dear, misguided Penelope." - -There was much discontent in the camp when the lovers learnt that their -beloved was not one of Titania's house-party. They were not civil to -each other, and with difficulty were civil to Titania. - -"Confound the old harridan," said Goby. This was wicked, for Titania -was very sweet, and retained much more than a trace of her youthful -beauty. She belonged to the modern band of those who sternly refuse to -grow old. - -"Great Scott!" said Carteret Williams. The others made equally -appropriate exclamations. They damned Goring in heaps, and looked at -each other like a crowd of strange dogs. Owing to Penelope's influence -they all came in motor-cars. Even De Vere turned up in one which was -guaranteed by age and its maker not to go more than ten miles an hour. -There wasn't room to get them into the temporary garage out of the wet. -But the marquis did not come in a balloon or a flying-machine. That was -something, at any rate, though Bob growled about it bitterly. Pen's -request that he should do his best to make the world believe she was -married was entirely forgotten. Without quite meaning to say so, he -practically asserted in every word that she was not. - -"After all," said Bob, "I believe she is capable of deceiving even me, -for she is a woman. Horace, in his Odes, seems to think that. It seems -to me that classical authors had a very poor opinion of women." - -He went to Rivaulx crossly. - -"I say, I think you ought to have come in a flying-machine. Why didn't -you? Pen will be mad." - -He introduced De Vere to Baker (who had been a sergeant in the Dublin -Fusiliers), and left him with him, discussing hydrophobia and bulldogs. - -"Baker says he has a great admiration for you, sir," said Bob. "He has -lots of pups for you to look at. There's a very queer spotted one that -Pen said she was sure you would like. It's very cheap for a spotted dog -of the kind, Baker says." - -But they were an unhappy crowd, and even the shooting, which was fairly -good for a poor duke's place, hardly consoled them. - -At night the women, who all gambled, naturally were very cross. It -appeared that not one of the men would play bridge, because Penelope had -made them swear off. There were only three men in the house not in love -with Penelope. Titania had a dreadful time, and much regretted her -hospitality. Carew was furious, of course, and his notions of colour -were very morbid. And he appeared to see the duchess as she was, in -spite of the hints the poor woman threw out to the desperate painter, -who looked at her sorrowfully and sighed as he shook his head. - -"Being painted is an ordeal," she said. Not one of the others consoled -her. De Vere wept with her in the drawing-room; Williams wrecked her -orchids in the hothouse; Plant and Gordon quarrelled in the -smoking-room. And Bramber, who was only there for four days, looked -horridly sorry for himself, and sneered at every one. The marquis went -around the park in a ninety-horse-power racer seventeen times between -breakfast and lunch. The chauffeurs quarrelled furiously; they even -fought in the stable yard with Baker as umpire and Bob as timekeeper. - -At the dinner-table was the only time of peace, and then it was too -peaceful. Nobody but Bob and Ethel Mytton and Titania did any talking. -Bob spoke of very little but Penelope, which was natural but awkward. -He told them what Baker said, till they all desired to go out and -strangle Baker. Bradstock encouraged him, for Bradstock was the only man -there who had any apparent desire to be amused. The rest of them played -with the soup, toyed with the _entrees_, fooled with the roasts, choked -over the birds, and went out and oversmoked themselves. Then they met -in the big hall and the drawing-room, and Titania had to assure them all -one after the other, that she was certain Penelope was not married. - -"Then why does she say she is?" they asked, bitterly. - -"It must be to try you," said Titania. "Augustin, don't you think it is -to try them?" - -Bradstock made that sound which the English write as "Humph" and the -Scotch put down as "Imphm." It means a great deal, but is intelligible -to the intelligent. - -"Yes, it is to try you," said Titania. "She is a dear, sweet thing, but -has ideas which do not commend themselves to me. I understand them, of -course, but regret them. It may be, of course, that she does not love -any of you, and is trying to get out of it. By and by you will find out -if that is so. She is enthusiastic and impulsive. Oh, these impulses -of youth! How well I remember the delightful impulses of youth, when -one feels as if one could fly with wings! Even now I get impulses. -Poor Penelope! Ah, dear, I wish she would come. I have written again -and again to ask her, but I'm afraid she will not." - -And, indeed, no one at that moment knew where she was, unless, indeed, -it was Timothy and Geordie Smith and Miss Mackarness and the pirate in -goggles of the motor-car who carried her off. - -Titania and Bob between them, at any rate, accomplished one thing. No -one pretended to assign a satisfactory reason for Pen's conduct, but -every one, except one, perhaps, believed she was still single. They -were sure of it, and grew surer every day. As a result, they recovered -some little peace of mind; they quarrelled less and ate more and shot -straighter. Rivaulx only went fifteen times around the park before -lunch; De Vere bought more dogs; Plant agreed to go into some scheme of -trust robbery with Gordon, who assured the rest of them that he had -Rothschild up his sleeve. Williams stamped less on flower-beds and -swore half as much as usual. Goby and Bramber went out walks together -with Bob and Ethel Mytton. Titania's barometer went up and her size -went down in Carew's picture. He saw her less yellow, and did not -insist on her wrinkles. Augustin sat in the library and read books which -were of so humourous a character that they compelled him to put them -down and laugh continually. It was certainly a most amusing house-party. - -"I thought there would have been duels in the park," said Augustin. "I -wonder what the deuce Pen would think of them if she saw them now." - -And then one day something serious happened. It was on a Sunday, and on -Sundays the post came in at half-past ten, just at the time they were -all having breakfast before going to church. They were just about as -happy as they could ever hope to be till Penelope married one or all of -them. Bob, who was especially greedy that morning, was eating against -time and winning. Only Ethel was sad, for Goby seemed quite cheerful. -When he was mournful she was happier always. Titania flowed -wonderfully. Augustin was saying the kind of thing he could say when -sitting down. Goring himself was eating as if he was in rivalry with -Bob. He never said anything, but looked like a duke, which is a very -fine thing when a man is a duke, and can afford it with care. Gordon -was eating bacon as if he had no great appetite for it. - -"Oh, here's the post," said Titania. Augustin took Saturday's _Times_ -and opened it. - -"I wonder whether dear Penelope has written to me," said Titania. The -"horde" looked up; they hoped even yet that Penelope would give in and -come at last. - -"Any news?" grunted Goring. - -"I don't see any," replied Augustin. - -"What are Jack Sheppard's United?" asked Gordon, slipping a piece of -bacon into his pocket. - -And Augustin made his celebrated speech over again, his single speech in -the House of Lords. - -"Good God!" said Augustin, and he turned almost as white as the _Times_ -paper before it went through the machines. Every one stared at him. - -"What is it?" screamed Titania. Bob jumped up and deserted a pig's -cheek just as it was showing signs of utter defeat. - -"It's--it's--" said Augustin, and he stammered vainly. - -"I say, let's look," cried Bob. "Granny, it's something in the Births, -Marriages, and Deaths!" - -"Good heavens, speak, Augustin!" implored Titania. - -The band of lovers went as white as Augustin; they stood up -simultaneously. - -"I see it, I see it," said Bob, and he actually snatched the paper from -Lord Bradstock's hand. - -"Is she married? Is she dead?" asked Titania. - -"No, no," said Bob, sputtering and aflame with wild excitement; "it's -'Brading--Lady Penelope Brading on the 18th of a son!'" - - - - - *CHAPTER XIV.* - - -There are blows which stun; this was, of course, one of them. Titania -did not shriek or faint at the awful intelligence conveyed by the -Thunderer of Printing House Square. She nodded her head as if she was -partially paralyzed, and at last murmured in a dry whisper: - -"Of a son! Of a son!" - -Bradstock's eyebrows were as high as they would go, and he stared at -Titania, and then look around on the circle of men and women. Ethel -squeaked a little squeak, like a mouse behind the wainscot and was -silent. - -"Oh--of a son," said Goby, sighing and looking at the floor. - -"Of a son!" said Plant, eyeing the ceiling. - -"_Un fils!_" shrieked Rivaulx. - -Gordon said "Damnation;" De Vere shook like a stranded jelly-fish; -Bramber went as scarlet as a lobster, and then as white as cotton; -Carteret Williams looked blue, and Carew looked green, and Bob said: "My -eye!" - -There is something organic in any given number of people acting under -the same shock or the same impulse. What one thinks another thinks; and -now all the room fixed their eyes on Titania, whose lips moved in -silence. - -"This is dreadful!" said Titania to herself. "I don't believe she's -married at all. One of these men is a scoundrel, a ruffian, a seducer!" - -No one heard what she said, but as she thought it the men looked at each -other with awful suspicions. And then Titania, whose mind was whirling, -said feebly: - -"We--we must hush it up!" - -And there lay the _Times_! Hush it up indeed! And Bradstock recovered -some of his equanimity. - -"Nonsense! She's married, as she says," he remarked, with comparative -coolness. - -But no one believed it. The men drew apart from each other. De Vere -moved his chair, because Goby was looking at him like a demon. Carew -shrank from Carteret Williams. Gordon went livid under Plant's eyes. -Bramber looked at them all as if he would die on the spot. Rivaulx rose -up and waltzed around the room. It was a happy chance that he did so; -it is possible that he saved immediate bloodshed. Bradstock and Bob -caught the Frenchman in their arms, and led him outside to the lawn, -where there was ample room for a frantic _pas seul_. - -"Steady, old chap!" said Bradstock, "steady! Her husband _must_ -acknowledge now who he is!" - -"Oh, no," said Bob, in immense delight, "not much! If she's married at -all, she's sworn him not to. She told me she'd swear him not to! And -she said if he broke his oath she'd never see him again!" - -"Great heavens!" said Bradstock, "so she did. I remember now, she _did_ -speak of oaths, dreadful oaths!" - -Rivaulx danced over a flower-bed, came in contact with a fence, fell -over it, and uttered a howl which brought every one into the garden. He -tumbled into a ditch, fortunately a comparatively dry one, and lay -there, using the very worst French language. - -The gloomy crowd lined the ditch and listened, and wished they -understood. As a matter of fact, only Bradstock and Bramber knew -sufficient decent French to guess what Rivaulx said, and they shivered. -In the background Titania and Ethel hung to each other and wept; old -Goring remained inside sucking at an unlighted cigar. - -"The terrible, terrible disgrace!" said Titania. She believed the very -worst at once. "Is it the marquis? Is he smitten with remorse?" - -Rivaulx got out of the ditch on the wrong side, and walked out into the -park, where he addressed a commination service to a nice little herd of -Jersey cows. After five minutes of this exercise, he returned toward -the house and climbed the fence. Then he shook his fist at the others. - -"One of you is a _scelerat_," he howled, "a scoundrrrel! I challenge -you all to fight! Ha, ha!" - -Bradstock took him by the arm and led him away. - -"One of us is a hound!" said Goby. - -"Yes," said the others, "yes!" - -They glared at each other horribly, and clenched their fists. Bob ran -around them in the wildest excitement. - -"Look here, I say, Captain Goby. Oh, Mr. de Vere! I say, Mr. Plant, if -you want to fight, come into the stables. Granny says you mustn't fight -here." - -He grabbed several of them, and was hurled into space at once. He -finally laid hold of De Vere, who wasn't capable of hurling a ladybird -off his finger. - -"You shall fight Goby if you want to," he roared. - -[Illustration: THE MARQUIS DE RIVAULX. Anti-Semite to his manicured -finger-tips] - -"But I don't want to," shrieked the poet. "What shall I do? My heart is -broken!" - -"Oh, what rot!" said Bob. "I don't understand what the row is about. -Pen said she married, and she's got a kid. It will make her happy, for -she always loved kids." - -But then the notice in her maiden name! Was it not awful, horrible, -brazen, peculiar, anti-social, against all law? It was wicked, immoral, -indecent. Behind it there must be a dreadful story. - -"By God!" said Bradstock, speaking at large to all but Rivaulx, who was -breaking up a cane chair at a short distance, "I do think, oaths or -none, that the man who is married to her should tell the duchess in -confidence." - -But Rivaulx heard in the intervals of destruction, and stayed his hand. - -"Ha, ha!" he said aloud, "I love her! I am a man! I love her! What -shall I do?" - -He threw the fragments of the chair into a fountain, kicked over a -flower-pot, and ran again into the park, taking the fence in his stride. - -"I believe it's remorse," said Titania. "I begin to suspect the -marquis!" - -But everybody suspected everybody, and yet at the very height of their -rage what Bradstock said sank into their hearts. Pen had selected them -with care for their inherent nobility. They said to themselves that -they would show how noble they were. With one accord they straightened -themselves up, and an air of desperate resolve was upon every man's -face. - -"I will think it out and make up my mind this afternoon," said each of -them. They walked away in different directions, and in five minutes not -one of them was in sight but the marquis, who was knocking his head -against a sapling in a way that caused the herd of Jerseys to revise -their estimate of humanity. Even he gave up at last, and went off into -the distance with great strides. - -"I say," said Bob, "I don't know what to make of this. Where are they -going, and what are they going to do? I wish I knew where Pen is; I'd -send her a telegram." - -The rest of the party said nothing. Titania wept. Old Goring asked -Bradstock for a light, and at last got his cigar going. He said nothing -whatsoever. Ethel Mytton was in a fearful state of nervousness, and -shook with it. Bradstock walked up and down whistling. The men who -were not in it gathered in the billiard-room, and said they thought they -had better have urgent calls to town. They wanted to discuss the -scandal in their clubs. They knew that there wasn't a house in England -that would not consider their presence in the light of a tremendous -favour, considering all that had occurred at Goring while they were -there. They went, and regretted it afterward, for much occurred that -very afternoon that no man could have foreseen. - -Not a soul came in to lunch but Bob and Bradstock and the old duke. - -"Augustin, my boy," said Goring, "these are surprising events, very -surprising events. I thought I understood something about women, but I -find I'm as ignorant as a two-year-old. What the devil does Penelope -mean?" - -Bob intervened. - -"I believe, grandfather, that she wants to make you all sit up," he -said, eagerly. - -"Shut up, Bob," said the duke. "Eat pie and hold your tongue. -Augustin, is she married, or isn't she?" - -"I'm sure of it," said Bradstock, "but--" - -"I think it's a damn silly business," said the duke. "I can't remember -any parallel except when Miss Wimple, who was a devilish pretty girl -fifty years ago, married Prince Scharfskopf morganatically, and kept it -dark in spite of twins. There was a devil of a fuss, but it was kept -quiet, no announcements in papers, and so on. The emperor boxed -Scharfskopf's ears in court when it came out, for it upset his -diplomatic apple-cart, as Scharfskopf was to have married Princess -Hedwig of Wigstein. She was virtuous and particular, and made trouble, -being thirty-five. Do you think Penelope has married any damn prince, -for instance?" - -Bradstock didn't think so. - -"Was any prince sneaking about, eh?" - -"Oh, I say," cried Bob, who was listening eagerly, "there was the Rajah -of Jugpore!" - -"Good heavens!" said Goring, "so there was. I say, Bradstock, what have -you to say to that? I'd like to have a look at the infant. Damme, it's -a wonderful world!" - -And this bore its fruit afterward in scandal and conjecture, for Bob -threw out hints about it. But in the meantime they could only talk, and -presently they saw the marquis coming across the lawn. He kept on -stopping and looking up at the sky, as if for help or a balloon, and he -smote his breast repeatedly in a very peculiar fashion. - -"Queer cuss, Rivaulx," said Goring. "Takes it hard. Give me a light, -Bob. Look at the Johnny smiting himself in the chest. What's he -thinking of now? Looks as if he was bound upon a desperate deed. Dear -me, I hope there will be no bloodshed, Bradstock! I'm too old for -bloodshed now. I won't have duels in the immediate neighbourhood of the -house, Bradstock, mind that." - -"All right," said Augustin, still looking at Rivaulx gesticulating -violently in front of a large laurestinus. "Bob, give me those -glasses." - -Through the glass Rivaulx's face was plain to see. - -"Damn!" said Augustin to himself, "what's up? He's going to do -something, something desperate. He is looking like a hero on a -scaffold. He has an air of sad nobility. Oh, Pen, Pen!" - -Rivaulx advanced on the house with his head up. He came in and sent -word to the collapsed duchess that he desired most humbly an audience -with her. Bob listened. - -"He wanted to see granny," said Bob. - -"Let him," said the duke. "I don't; I want peace." - -Titania sent down word that she would see him. - -"Poor sad Penelope, poor mournful Penelope!" said Rivaulx. "Ha, but I -will save her from further woe!" - -He found Titania on a sofa, and he kissed her hand. This pleased poor -Titania; it reminded her of her youth. - -"Oh, marquis, I am in despair!" she cried. - -"Despair not," said Rivaulx, as he stood up and smote his forehead, -"despair not. All is not lost. But for me, I stand between two -dreadful alternatives, and I have resolved to do my duty." - -There was an air of tragedy about him that covered him like a robe. -Titania shivered. - -"What is it? What have you to tell me?" - -"Ah, what!" cried Rivaulx. "But I shall do it. I shall do it at once, -immediately, if not sooner, as your poet says." - -"You won't kill any one, at least not here," shrieked Titania. - -"Far from it," replied the marquis. "Oh, but it is terrible, for I have -to smash, to break an oath. I swore not to reveal what I am about to -reveal." - -"Good heavens!" said Titania. "Oh, what? Is it--can it be--no--" - -"Yes, yes," cried Rivaulx, "it is true; I own it!" - -"Own what, marquis?" - -He smote his breast and looked above her. - -"I am the man!" - -"Oh, what man?" squealed the duchess. - -"I am the husband--and--and--the father," said Rivaulx, with a gulp, as -if he were swallowing an apple whole. - -"Of my Penelope?" - -"Yes, yes," said the marquis. "Say nothing. It is a secret, full of -oaths. Why, I know not, but she, the dear, insists, and what am I?" - -Titania lay and gasped. The relief was tremendous. Three hours ago she -would have refused to think of Rivaulx as Pen's husband. Now she -welcomed the notion; she sighed and almost fainted. Rivaulx muttered -strange things to himself. - -"Can I announce it?" - -"No," said the marquis, "it is a secret. But it is all right. I go." - -"Take my blessing," said Titania. "Go to her quickly, poor dear, and -implore her to let me come to her, and bid her tell all the world. What -is her address?" - -"I cannot give it," said Rivaulx, pallidly. "It is a secret. But I go, -I hasten. Adieu, duchess; I am distracted. Oh, my mother and my -country!" - -He fled from the room, and, leaving his man to bring on his things, went -away at an illegal speed toward London. - -"Well, well," said Titania, with a gasp, "I cannot understand anything. -But, after all, the marquis is a fine man and of a good family. I could -almost sleep a little." - -But just as she was composing herself to rest, Mr. Plant sent up word -that he wished to see her for a few moments on urgent business before he -went back to town. - -"Let him come up," said the duchess. When Plant entered, he stood bolt -upright in front of her, with a strange air of determination. - -"I shall surprise you, I reckon," he said, in an American accent as -thick as petrol fumes. "I know I shall." - -"No, you won't," said Titania. "Nothing can surprise me now, I assure -you." - -"I shall surprise you, ma'am," said Plant, "and you'll have to own it. -Prepare yourself and remember that what I tell you is in the nature of a -secret. I can stand it no longer. I have to let it out. To hear Lady -Penelope, whom I adore, spoken of as I do, makes my blood boil. She may -have made some mistakes, but I've made some, too. I am going to surprise -you--" - -"No, you are not, Mr. Plant," said Titania. - -"I--I am Lady Penelope's husband," said Plant, desperately, fixing his -eyes on space. - -"You are _what_?" shrieked Titania. - -"Her husband--and--the parent of the announcement in the _Times_," said -Plant, firmly. - -"Am I mad?" asked Titania. - -"No, but I am," said Plant, who was as pale as a traditional ghost. -"I'm mad both ways. I want to kill." - -"You mustn't," cried Titania, feebly. "I don't know where I am. What -did you say? Oh, say it again!" - -He said it again, and before she could say anything further, he rushed -from the room and bounded down-stairs. She heard him turn his motor-car -loose, and knew that in twenty seconds he was a mile away. - -"What's wrong with everything, and me, and them?" asked Titania. "I -wish I was a dairy-maid in a quiet farm, and had no relations. Am I -mad? Did the marquis say it? Or did I dream it?" - -Lord Bramber was announced. - -"Oh, oh, oh!" said Titania. "Yes, I'll see him." - -Bramber came in fuming, and, like the others, fixed his eyes over her -head. He was nervous and abrupt. - -"I can't stand any more, duchess," he began. - -"I can't stand much," said Titania. - -"It's a secret of course," said Bramber, "and I'm breaking my word!" - -"Are you the husband of Penelope?" asked Titania. - -"I--I am," replied Bramber, "and the cause, so to speak, of the notice -in the _Times_." - -"I thought so," said Titania. "Look at me, Ronald. Do I look mad? does -my hair stand on end? do I seem wild and wandering?" - -"No, of course not," said Bramber. "I'm telling you this because I feel -I ought to. Now I'm going to her at once. This last news was rather -unexpected, of course. Good-bye--" - -"Stay!" shrieked Titania, but she was too late. Bramber was down-stairs -and bounded into his motor-car and let her rip. - -"What's the matter with everybody?" wailed Titania. "The marquis made -me happy, but now I'm confused, very sadly confused, and I can't think -she's married them all." - -Gordon was announced, and in about three sentences he told her that, -though the affair was a secret, he was Penelope's husband. - -"I knew you were," said Titania. "When I heard you wanted to see me, I -knew you were coming to say so. Oh, good-bye. Ask Lord Bradstock to -send for a doctor. Good-bye, Mr. Gordon. Go now." - -And Gordon went, just as De Vere came in. - -"You have come to say you have married Penelope, I _know_," said -Titania. "I feel sure you have." - -"I have a heart for sorrow, for disgrace, for all things lovely. I--I -am responsible for everything, even the _Times_," said De Vere, who was -as pale as plaster. - -"Leave me," said Titania. "Go and see her at once. Settle who it is. -Go!" - -And when he had gone, Carteret Williams and Carew came one after the -other with the same confession. And she received them sadly, and -appeared to wander. When the house was empty, she sent for Bradstock. - -"Augustin, dear Augustin," she said, "you won't let them put me in an -asylum. Have me taken care of at home, won't you? Don't let Goring -give me cruel keepers. I am quite gentle and broken down!" - -"I won't let anything beastly be done," said Bradstock. "But, my dear -child, what's the matter?" - -And Titania told him: - -"By the Lord," said Bradstock, "they are damned good chaps! but where -the devil are we?" - -He went down-stairs when the doctor came and told everything to Goring. -And Goring told Bob. For Titania forgot to mention to Augustin that all -the husbands had insisted it was a dead secret. - -"I say," said Bob, "of all the larks I've ever heard of, this takes the -cake! I wonder what I ought to do. I think I'll ask Baker." - -And he asked Baker. And in less than twenty-four hours the world knew -all about it. - - - - - *CHAPTER XV.* - - -But when it is said that all the world knew of it, Penelope herself must -be excepted. She knew nothing for some time, and, whoever her husband -was, he certainly never acquainted her with the horrible details of all -the good men who sacrificed their honour in the noble attempt to save -her from the results of the terrible misfortune they believed had -happened to her. It was, indeed, Miss Mackarness who told her about it, -and Miss Mackarness was the old governess whom Penelope had once sacked -and sent away. The poor woman was in a terrible state of mind about the -affair, and in that was no different from all the rest of the world. To -her went Timothy Bunting with the strange story. - -"If you please, ma'am, Geordie Smith 'as just brought in a paper wiv a -true and pertic'ler account of 'ow all the gents that was courtin' our -lady told the Duchess of Goring as 'ow they 'as married 'er!" - -"What!" said Miss Mackarness. - -"A true and perticuler account as 'ow they 'ad hall married our lady, -sayin' as they 'ad concealed it till they could no longer!" repeated -Timothy more loudly. - -"Good heavens!" said Miss Mackarness, trembling very much, "I fear it -will upset Lady Penelope, to say nothing of the infant. Do they all -claim the infant, Bunting?" - -"I presume so, ma'am," said Bunting. "It looks likely." - -"Under these circumstances, Bunting," cried Miss Mackarness, "I feel it -is my duty to communicate the facts to our lady. Give me the paper, -Bunting!" - -Bunting said he would get it, and came back with a hatful of fragments. - -"If you please, ma'am, this is hall I can rescue of the details. The -cook and the parlour-maid and the two 'ousemaids 'ave fought over it in -the servants' 'all, and are now in tears, not 'aving read a word." - -And Miss Mackarness took the hatful up to Penelope, who sat with her -nurse and the cause of all the trouble in a south room overlooking the -moat. - -"In the name of all that is wonderful, what's in that hat?" asked -Penelope. - -"It is Timothy Bunting's hat, my lady," replied the Mackarness. - -"So I perceive," said Penelope. "Is a bird in it?" - -"Oh, no, my lady. It's the bits of a newspaper," replied the -housekeeper, as if she served up the _Times_ in a groom's hat every day. -"It's Timothy's hat, but a clean new one." - -"But why do you bring it, and why do you put newspaper in it?" asked -Penelope. - -"If you please, my lady, I cannot help it. The cook and the -parlour-maid and the two housemaids fought over it in the servants' -hall, and are now in tears, not having read a word of it." - -To all appearance the housekeeper had lost her senses. Though this was -no wonder, Penelope wondered at it. - -"Well," she said at last, "I see what's in the hat, but what's in the -newspaper?" - -"If you please, my lady, according to Timothy Bunting and Smith, who -appear to have read it, it contains the true account of what happened at -Goring House the other day, when all the gentlemen staying there, -hearing from the _Times_ that your ladyship had a fine boy on the -eighteenth, and no husband named by your ladyship's particular -directions, all got up one after the other, and, requesting private -interviews with her upset Grace, the duchess, declared upon their oaths, -though in secret, that they had married you themselves!" - -She recited this in a strange, mechanical way, which would have been -extremely effective upon the stage, as a picture of hopeless -conventionality wounded to death, and at last dying in sheer -indifference to all things. - -"Dear me!" said Penelope, "dear me!" - -"It furthermore appears, my lady, begging your pardon for mentioning it, -and I have reproved Bunting bitterly for daring to do so, though I -haven't read the fragments in the hat, that no one believes your -ladyship's word at all as to your being married." - -"Oh, how shameful!" said Penelope. "Why, here's baby!" - -The nurse coughed and hid her mouth with her hand. - -"Yes, my lady, so he is," said Miss Mackarness. "There doesn't seem any -doubt whatsoever about that, but--" - -And Penelope sighed. Suddenly her face lighted up. - -"Ah!" she said, "I see why they said it to aunty. How very, very noble -of them! I knew they were all splendid men; men of the highest -character and attainments and possibilities. Will you have telegrams -written out to all of them, saying, 'Your conduct is noble, and I am -deeply grateful'?" - -"Yes, my lady," replied the housekeeper, "and how will you sign it?" - -"Sign it Penelope Brading," said Penelope. "And tell Smith to take his -car as quickly as he can to Spilsborough, and send them from there." - -She lay back in her pillows. - -"They are noble fellows," she said. "I have done them an immense amount -of good. A year ago not one of them could have risen to such heights of -abnegation, such love, such tenderness. I shall see them bringing in a -new era yet. Leopold Gordon will inaugurate a new and pure finance. -The dear marquis will abolish anti-Semitism and duelling in France. De -Vere will write poems of a purity appealing equally to Brixton and -Belgravia, and my dear friend Carew will vindicate the Royal Academy's -policy of showing that charity begins at home. And the rest--ah, me! -Poor dear aunty, how I love her!" - -And by the time that she had pondered over a renewed world, Geordie -Smith was sending off the wires from Spilsborough with wonderful -results. - -"I like this," said Smith. "This is what I like! There's nothing dull -about it. I wonder what'll happen now? I'll lay five to one I can -guess!" - -He guessed right as to some, for in about four hours Rufus Plant arrived -in Spilsborough on his racing-car, and put up at the Grand Hotel. - -"I guess she must be somewhere in this neighbourhood," said Plant. "And -here I stay till I find her. And by the tail of the sacred bull, -whatever happens, I'll marry her right here in this hyer noble pile of a -cathedral. And if she'll do it, I'll restore it for the authorities -free of charge, till it's as gawdy as a breastpin and right up to date." - -He ran against Gordon, and the two men fell back in horrible surprise. - -"You--" - -"You!" - -"Oh, yes," said Plant, "I'm here on business connected with the -cathedral." - -"And I'm to see the--bishop, who will join the board on allotment," -mumbled Gordon. - -And then Goby roared into town on his motorcar. The others saw him, and -he saw them, and ignored them palely. He, too, put up at the Grand, but -never spoke to them. And De Vere came in while they were at dinner, and -sat down opposite to Goby. He said, "Oh!" and, rising, at once bolted -from the table. - -"I'm damned," said Goby, and he lost his appetite. - -"How many more of us?" they asked themselves. - -They looked up at every one who entered. - -"Bramber will be in any moment," said Plant. - -Poor De Vere sat in his bedroom and was ill. - -"If I look out into the corridor, I know I shall see that beast -Williams," he sobbed. - -"Where's that French fool, Rivaulx?" asked Gordon. They all believed -the other was the scoundrel of the dreadful drama. - -And then the evening papers came in. They declared in big lines that -there had been "A Fracas in High Life." They added that it had taken -place in the Row at four o'clock that very afternoon. They went on to -say that Lord Bramber and the Marquis de Rivaulx, well known as a great -sportsman and a balloonist, had fought in a flower-bed, and had been -torn from each other's arms and a big rhododendron by two dukes, three -earls, and a viscount. They further declared that it was a matter of -public notoriety that all the trouble rose out of the mystery connected -with the _Times_ and Lady Penelope Brading. They promised more details -in later editions. - -"They'll fight," said Gordon, savagely. "I hope they'll kill each -other. But especially I hope that the marquis will be killed first and -most!" - -And about eleven o'clock Rivaulx turned up with his chauffeur and a bad -black eye. - -"He shall fight me here," said Rivaulx. "This is a quiet town. No one -will think of Spilsborough! He does not know that _she_ sent me a -telegram from here!" - -He put up at the Angel, and escaped seeing the others for the time. On -his way up he had sent a defiant telegram to Bramber, desiring him to -come to Spilsborough, and fight there with swords or pistols or any -weapon that commended itself to him. This telegram Bramber never got, -for, on reaching home and washing away the traces of the struggle in -Hyde Park before all the loveliness of London, he had found his telegram -from Spilsborough sent by Geordie Smith. After looking in the ABC -guide, and finding no good train, he pelted off in his motor-car, -leaving a note for Rivaulx, saying that, though duels were absurd and -illegal, he would not refuse to meet the marquis in France or Belgium, -if he desired to make a bigger fool of himself than he had already done -in the park. - -"Curse and confound them all," said Bramber, who was horribly cross and -exceedingly sick of the whole world, even including Penelope. "I wonder -what she means by this telegram. I wish I was dead! Is she at -Spilsborough?" - -Just in the middle of Spilsborough he met Rivaulx and pulled up short, -not having the least notion, of course, that he would meet him there. -But Rivaulx grinned a ghastly smile and raised his hat, as Bramber -stopped. - -"Ha, I am pleased to see you," said the French marquis. "You have come -quickly. It is a fine night, there is a moon, and close by here under -the shadow of the cathedral there is a most beautiful piece of grass. -There we will fight. I have brought swords with me. Or have you -brought guns?" - -"I haven't brought guns," said Bramber, who was entirely stunned and at -a loss for a word. - -The marquis bowed. - -"We will fight with swords, my lord. I think this hotel is good; the -lady is amiable; there are rooms to spare. When the moon rises, ha! I -will call you forth." - -And Bramber went to the hotel to think what he should do. - -"The ass! the lunatic! How did he get here? I can't get out of fighting -him." - -He sat outside in his car. - -"No, I won't. I'm damned if I do!" he said. - -He went in and wrote a note for Rivaulx, who was out in the cathedral -close picking what he considered a good place for a duel. The spot he -chose was not far from the dean's house. - -"I wish it had been Mr. Plant," he said. "Of Bramber, who is a young -ass, I am not jealous. But of Plant I am horribly jealous, and he is a -bad man. If I met Plant I would say, 'Fight me at once now, and I will -put off Lord Bramber till another day.'" - -And, going around the corner, he ran right into Plant, who was raging -about the town, wondering where Penelope was and how everything was -going to end. - -"The scoundrel is that marquis," said Plant. And he ran into the -scoundrel's arms. - -And just while Bramber was shaking the dust of Spilsborough from the -tires of his motor-car, Bob himself came into the town in a hired -Daimler, full of the most extraordinary news. And Titania was having a -series of fits down at Goring, with Dr. Lumsden Griff in attendance. - - - - - *CHAPTER XVI.* - - -It cannot be imagined that Titania, who had survived so many shocks, was -ill for nothing. When Bob discovered what she was ill of, he stood -outside on the lawn with his hands deep in his pockets and with his legs -wide apart. - -"I must tell 'em this at once," said Bob, gloomily. "If I don't tell -Gordon, he'll forget he's invested a hundred of mine in something to -make hair curl, and I shall lose the money. I mean to make money to -keep up Goring by and by. And he said he'd make me a director, too. -For the sake of the family, I can't neglect him. Or De Vere, either. -Or any of 'em. But--but I never thought it of Pen!" - -With his pockets full of money derived from the sale of dogs to De Vere, -he rushed off to the station and caught a train for town. When he -reached London, he sent a wire to "Old Guth." - -"I'm in town on important business. Break it to grandmother between -fits. I hope to be back to-morrow." - -He rushed off to Park Lane to find Gordon. - -"Mr. Gordon has gone to Spilsborough, sir," said Gordon's man. - -"D-- I mean confound it!" said Bob. He went to Plant's. - -"Mr. Plant went to Spilsborough in a great hurry this afternoon, sir," -said Plant's landlady. The American millionaire still lived in -Bloomsbury, though not on ten shillings a week. - -"Oh," said Bob, "I wonder what this means. There's a secret here!" - -He drove in a hansom to find Bramber. A very ingenuous piece of -humanity in buttons told Bob that Lord Bramber came in about four -o'clock torn to ribbons, and found a telegram waiting him. - -"And off he went in his motor-car." - -"Where?" asked Bob. - -"I don't know," said the buttons. But on Bob's going to Bramber's room, -he found the ABC open on the table at the page with Spilsborough on it. - -"Sherlock Holmes would say he has gone to Spilsborough," cried Bob. -"And if Gordon and Plant have gone there, too, I'll bet all the rest -have gone. I'll go, too." - -But there was no train for three hours! - -"I'm done," said Bob, "No, I'm not. I'll hire a motor-car." - -He went to the nearest place in Regent Street and hired one. - -"Very well, sir," said the man, "but it's rather expensive, you know." - -Bob pulled out a handful of sovereigns. - -"Take as many as you think fair," he said, grandly. "And don't forget I -want a speedy one, and a man that can drive, and I'll pay the fines of -course!" - -That was how he came to Spilsborough just in time and about the hour -when the moon was to rise. He passed a motor-car in the ditch about ten -miles out of the cathedral city, and did not stop to find out what was -the matter. He thus missed the discovery that Bramber and his chauffeur -were both sitting upon the wreck, using very awful language to each -other on the subject of losing the way and coming bolt down a side road -into the opposing hedge. It is astonishing how an accident at thirty -miles an hour brings owners and mechanics down to the same human level. - -When Bob reached Spilsborough, he was covered with dust, but was as spry -as a grasshopper and awfully full of his news. - -"You _can_ drive," said Bob to his man. "I'm very much pleased with -you. Stop at this hotel." - -He went into the Angel, and staggered blithely to the office. - -"Is Mr. Gordon here, or Mr. Plant, or the Marquis of Rivaulx?" he -demanded. - -He thus discovered the marquis. - -He drove off to the Grand, and found Plant and Goby and De Vere and -Gordon were there. They were all in bed but Plant, and Plant had gone -to see the cathedral by moonlight. - -"All right, we'll put up here," said Bob, "and I'll see if I can find -Plant. I say, I wonder what Baker will think of this? It beats me!" - -He got to the cathedral precincts just about an hour after Rivaulx and -Plant had run into each other's arms. Much had occurred since then. - -For Rivaulx started back from Plant and almost forgot the existence of -Bramber. - -"You are a scoundrrrel," said Rivaulx, rolling his r's in the most -fearful manner. - -"You are a lunatic," replied Plant, coolly; "when did you escape?" - -"I have not escaped, I am here," snorted Rivaulx, "but you shall not -escape. I meant to kill Lord Bramber upon this spot, but I prefer to -keel you. I let him go; he is nothing. You are the scoundrrel!" - -"Oh, dry up!" said Plant, crossly. "You tire me, you fatigue me very -much. I am exhausted by looking at you. Go home, or I will break you -in three pieces and eat them!" - -Rivaulx foamed at the mouth. - -"Do you refuse to fight me, sare?" - -"Certainly not," said Plant. "Take your coat off and hang it on a -tombstone, and I'll leave nothing of you but a smear." - -"I do not fight with fists," said Rivaulx, contemptuously. "I fight -with swords, with steel, with guns or pistols." - -Plant shook his head. - -"I've none of 'em about me, my son!" - -"At the hotel I have swords," cried Rivaulx, eagerly. "I brought them -to kill Bramber, who punched my eye in the Rotten Row, and we rolled in -bushes. But I will first fight you. Wait and I fetch the swords." - -He ran violently into the darkness, and Plant sat on a railing. - -"What am I to do? Am I to wait and fight a lunatic? Or shall I go back -to the hotel? I think I'll go back. If that raging idiot is found -prancing about here with swords, they will run him in." - -But he did not know how fast the marquis could run and how near the -hotel was. Before he had made up his mind to go, Rivaulx came back -again. He flung the swords at Plant's feet. - -"Take one and let us begin," he said. - -"I think on the whole I'll have both," said Plant, suiting the action to -the word. "Now go home, marquis, like a good little boy, and come to -the Grand Hotel in the morning and tell me why you want to be hanged in -England." - -He put both the weapons under his arm. - -"You will not fight?" said the marquis, gasping like a dying dolphin. - -"What kind of a galoot do you reckon me?" asked Plant, quite -unintelligibly. - -"Ha!" said the marquis, "I know not what a galoot is, but I will fight -you here and leave your body on the grass." - -Neither of them had observed the approach of a portly and pleasant -gentleman behind them. He was now leaning upon the railing, watching -them with a great deal of kindly curiosity. - -"I think, gentlemen, that the dean will object," he said at length, and -they both turned around suddenly. - -"You must not interfere," said Rivaulx; "we do not know you." - -[Illustration: RUFUS Q. PLANT. Born in Virginia] - -"To be sure, to be sure," replied the gentleman, who was dressed very -curiously, as Rivaulx noticed. "I hate interfering, especially with -anything belonging to a dean. Deans, gentlemen, are very touchy about -matters connected with their cathedrals. Now Dean Briggs, gentlemen, -takes the very greatest care of that grass on which you both are now -illegally trampling, and I understand that he has made a rule never to -have duels upon it. He is very firm on that point. Do I mistake you if -I say that it looks to an unprejudiced observer as if you were going to -fight a duel?" - -Rivaulx bowed. - -"I do not know you, sare, and I do not want to. I want to keel this man, -who is a scoundrrel." - -The stranger addressed Plant. - -"And are you equally anxious to break this very rigid rule of the -dean's?" he asked, suavely. - -"Certainly not," replied Plant; "I want to go to bed." - -"I am delighted to hear it. I am intensely gratified to hear it. If -one duellist, having possession of both deadly weapons, desires to go to -bed, I cannot see anything to hinder him, unless, indeed, he wants to -lie down on Mr. Dean's grass. You see, gentlemen, I am a bishop, and a -bishop's first desire is to be on good terms with the dean. If Mr. Dean -heard that I encouraged any one to break his rules about duelling or -going to bed in the precincts of this cathedral, I should _not_ be on -good terms with him, I assure you." - -"I do not understand," said Rivaulx. "I want to fight, that is all I -want to do!" - -"Stay!" said the bishop, mildly. "If the somewhat excited gentleman, -who is, I gather, not an Englishman, will accompany me a few yards, we -will go to the dean's, with whom I have been dining, and will refer the -matter to him." - -"Of course," said Plant, "that is the right thing to do. Marquis, his -lordship the bishop suggests the only course open to gentlemen. I trust -you will accept his offer, and, if you do, I undertake to fight you if -the dean gives his permission." - -"Stay, sare, my lord the bishop," said Rivaulx, "one moment, sare, the -bishop. Is this dean of whom you speak a gentleman?" - -"Certainly, certainly," replied the bishop, hastily. "He is of the -highest breeding, and in his youth he fenced like a fencing-master." - -"Then he understands the code of honour, sare the bishop?" - -"Absolutely, for a dean," replied his lordship. - -"Then I agree, sir lord," cried Rivaulx. - -"Ha, we will go to his house, then," said the bishop, "if you will step -over this railing. But stop here one moment and observe the moon rising -over Mr. Dean's cathedral. Is it not a peaceful, pleasant spot, -gentlemen?" - -"It beats thunder," said Plant. - -"It does, it does," nodded his lordship. "Many Americans, who admire -this cathedral immensely, have made the same acute observation. May I -ask your names, gentlemen? I am the bishop of this diocese." - -"My name is Plant, Rufus Q. Plant, and my friend is the Marquis of -Rivaulx." - -"Indeed," returned the bishop, "is the gentleman the French nobleman who -is interested in balloons?" - -"Yes," said Plant. - -"Dear me! I am delighted," said his lordship. "I, too, am interested in -balloons. I saw one go up once." - -"You like them?" asked Rivaulx, warmly. "That is good! I will take you -up in one." - -"We will talk of it later," said the bishop, rather hastily for a man of -his gentle flowing speech. "But this is the dean's house. If I knock at -this window, he will put his head out." - -He knocked at the window, and Mr. Dean did put his head out. - -"I am _so_ loath to disturb you, Mr. Dean," said his lordship, "but, as -I was leaving you and taking a little stroll before retiring, I met two -gentlemen, one from the United States and one a French marquis, who were -engaged in a warm discussion on a point of honour. I am ignorant of the -exact point, and I dare say there is no necessity for our knowing. As a -result of this discussion, the French marquis desired to fight a duel -with swords (you will observe them under the arm of the gentleman from -the United States), and I ventured to intervene, as the duel was to take -place upon your grass." - -"Humph, indeed!" said the dean, in great astonishment. "And what did you -say?" - -"I said that it was against your rules to allow any one to fight duels -there. Was I not right?" - -"Rather!" said the dean. "I should say so." - -"And on the other hand," continued the bishop, "the gentleman from -across the Atlantic wished to go to bed." - -"Then why the--why doesn't he?" asked the dean. - -"It seemed to me that the gentleman from across the water wanted to go -to bed upon your grass," said the bishop. "I pointed out to him that -there was a very old and strict rule dating from the time beyond record -which forbade this. Was I not right?" - -"You were," said the dean. "I never go to bed on the grass myself, and -do not permit others to do so. I never fight duels there, either, and -do not allow it." - -"You see, gentlemen," said the bishop, but before he could add another -word Bob rushed right upon the group outside the dean's windows, and saw -that Plant made one of them. He saw the swords also, and then -recognized Rivaulx. - -"Oh, I say," said Bob, "you were going to fight a duel about Pen! I've -come in time! It's no good. She has married Timothy Bunting, her -groom!" - - - - - *CHAPTER XVII.* - - -It was such an awful shock to Plant and Rivaulx, and, for the matter of -that, to his lordship the Bishop of Spilsborough, that they all gasped -dreadfully. Plant took the bishop by the sleeve. Rivaulx lay down upon -the grass under the dean's window, and howled as he tore at the turf. -The dean said: - -"I'll come out! This is becoming serious!" - -He came out, and, as he opened the door, the light of the hall lamp fell -upon Bob's face. - -"Good heavens!" said the bishop, "I thought I knew the voice. Is that -you, Robert Goring?" - -Bob said it was, but added that he didn't know the bishop. - -"Boy, I christened you," said the bishop. "Is all this trouble about -Penelope Brading, whom I also christened?" - -"Yes," replied Bob; "shall I tell you about it?" - -"Let us retire a few paces, and you can tell me," said the bishop. "In -the meantime, Mr. Dean, I beg you to exercise patience with the French -nobleman on the grass. Come, Bob." - -"Well, it's awful rot, you know," said Bob, speaking very rapidly. "We -don't know where we are in the family, and grandmother is lying on a -sofa screaming." - -"Why, Bob?" - -"You must have heard of it." - -The bishop had heard a great deal, but not all. - -"Pen says she's married and has a kid," said Bob, "and she won't say who -it is. And all these jossers, including Plant, he's the American over -there, and the marquis chewing the grass, said they had married her -themselves. Do you see, sir,--my lord, I mean?" - -"I see," said the bishop, putting his finger-tips together. "It was, I -think, very noble of them." - -"But granny said it was very trying, and it made her ill, for she wasn't -any further than before, unless Pen had married them all. And -grandfather, who kept cool, said that was unlikely." - -"It certainly seems unlikely," said the bishop. "But when you came to -us, you made some very astonishing remarks about a groom, one Bunting, I -think. Now what is there to know about him?" - -"Weekes said that, the beast!" cried Bob. - -"Who is the beast Weekes?" asked the bishop. - -Bob told him who Miss Harriet Weekes was. - -"And not an hour after these had said they were married to Pen, this -Weekes woman came in black and in a cab and said she must see granny. -And granny saw her, and is now in fits, with the doctor feeling her -pulse and giving her brandy. For Weekes was very solemn (I listened), -and she said: 'Your Grace, I shall reveal the truth, which lies upon my -bosom like a tombstone. Her ladyship treated me cruel, and gave me the -sack moreover, and I've no call to be silent no more 'avin' diskivered -the truth.' She talks like that. Weekes is an uneducated beast, and -why Pen ever had her as a maid I can't tell. And granny was confused -with the others, having said they were all married to Pen, and she -waggled her head awfully. 'I shall surprise your Grace,' said Weekes, -and granny said she wouldn't. And she said, 'I shall surprise your -Grace, for I've to reveal that I know the man, the serpent, that her -ladyship 'as married.' And granny smiled very curiously, and said, -'Weekes, who do you say it is?' And then Weekes cried, the crocodile, -and she said that Penelope had married Timothy Bunting, the groom, and -that Timothy had been engaged to her, and had as good as told her that -he was looking high and despised a public-house at a corner. I don't -know what she meant. And she was so solemn and furious that granny -believed her, and went off into fit after fit most awful, my lord, and -they sent for the doctor, and I came away, for I knew the others would -fight when they learnt that all of them had said the same thing. And I -believe it is Timothy myself." - -"Dear, dear me!" said the bishop, "this is even more remarkable than I -anticipated from the very strange reports in the papers. But I think -you have done well, Robert, and I do not regret having christened you by -any means, which is more than I can say for some of the aristocracy. -Let us return to the dean, who is, I am afraid, having some trouble with -the French marquis. He is not accustomed to foreign noblemen and to -Americans, except when they come here to see his cathedral." - -They turned toward the deanery, where Rivaulx was still rolling on the -grass. - -"Do you think it is Timothy?" asked Bob. - -The bishop shook his head gently. - -"I do not see what grounds we have to go on, Robert. Here we have an -American who states, if I understand you rightly, that he has married my -poor Penelope, and a French marquis of high repute who also states the -same. And there are others--" - -"Five or six!" said Bob. - -"And there are five or six others who commit themselves to the same -statement. And then a lady's maid says she knows that Penelope has -married a groom. I do not see what logical grounds we have for -concluding anything more than that some one has told a lie, or that -Penelope has been breaking the law by marrying more than one man at a -time. Speaking _a priori_, I think this latter alternative unlikely, -and, as a matter of probability, I am forced to believe that only one at -least out of seven (is it seven?) gentlemen of unblemished reputation -has told the truth." - -It was all very sad. But there were practical details to be attended -to. Though the marquis had ceased to raise the echoes of the stilly -night, to say nothing of the echoes of the cathedral's west front, he -was still in a fearfully mournful condition. He was now weeping in the -dean's arms, and the dean was endeavouring to soothe him as best he -could. When the bishop came back, Mr. Dean seemed much relieved. - -"Don't you think you could get them to go away, bishop?" he inquired, -pathetically. "This kind of thing is beyond my experience, and I am -extremely fatigued by it." - -"I will do my best," replied the bishop. - -Turning to the marquis, he said: - -"Get up, marquis. I will walk with you to the hotel. Mr. Plant, please -follow with Robert, and be good enough to take care of those lethal -instruments, which are, I rejoice to say, little understood in a quiet -cathedral town. It appears to me we are all in a state of mind which -needs repose. On the morrow, after I have slept upon it, I shall be -happy to receive you all and give you the best advice in my power. Now, -marquis, I am waiting for you. The grass is damp." - -And they walked to the hotel, leaving the dean staring open-mouthed. - -"This is very unusual," sighed the dean. "I cannot recollect anything -exactly like it in my long experience." - -No more could the bishop. Plant was in the same state of mind. Rivaulx -wept silently. Bob was in the seventh heaven of delight, in spite of -Bunting. He thoroughly believed in what Harriet Weekes said. Neither -Plant nor Rivaulx knew that he knew they both claimed to be Pen's -husband. - -"This story of Bunting is a goldarned lie," said Plant, hoarsely. Bob -did not reply. He was sorry for them all, and relied on the bishop. -What he relied on him for he did not know. All he did know was that the -bishop seemed fully equal to the situation. - -"How many more of you are there, Mr. Plant?" he asked at length. - -"Gordon and Goby and De Vere," replied Plant, miserably. - -"I must see Mr. Gordon," said Bob. And then they came to the Angel. By -this time Rivaulx and the bishop were great friends, for Rivaulx was a -clerical in his heart of hearts, and, if there wasn't a Catholic bishop -to lean on, a Protestant one was a good substitute. He stopped weeping, -and held the bishop's hand. - -"You are a good man, sare bishop," he said. "I wish I was a good bishop, -but I cannot. Life is a very terrible thing. I wish I could cut my -throat. I am weary." - -"I should go to bed," said the bishop, "and I'll look in and see you in -the morning. Bed is the best place when one is weary. I assure you -that I am not wholly ignorant of the world, or of the desire to cut my -throat, but I find that after a good night's rest the wish to do so -evaporates, and one determines to live for another twelve hours at -least. But before you go, I hope you will give me your word that you -will cut no one else's." - -"I give it," said Rivaulx. "The desire to kill Mr. Plant has left me. -I am no longer furious, even with Bramber. I am simply sad and -fearfully mournful. I thank you, sare; good night." - -"Good night," said the bishop. "Stay, marquis, I think Mr. Plant has -the weapons." - -The marquis waved them off. - -"I have no need of them. I give them you, sare bishop. Take them." - -And when the bishop had bidden Plant and Bob good night, and had -arranged to see Bob in the morning, the curious sight might have been -witnessed of a great ornament of the Episcopal bench walking through the -precincts of the cathedral to his palace, with a couple of -duelling-swords under his arm. - -"This has been a very interesting evening," said the bishop. "I very -much wonder what Ridley will think when he sees me come in. A butler's -mind is naturally limited." - -He went in and gave the swords to Ridley. - -"Take these," said his lordship. - -"Yes, m'lord," said Ridley, stolidly. - -"I think you can hang them up in the dining-room, Ridley." - -"Yes, m'lord." - -"They are trophies, Ridley." - -"So I perceive, m'lord," said Ridley. - -"What are trophies, Ridley?" - -"These, m'lord," said Ridley. - -"Exactly so," said his lordship. - -And while he was taking off his gaiters and thinking of Penelope, Bob -was sitting on the edge of Gordon's bed and telling him all about it. - -"Why are you here?" asked Bob. - -"She sent me a telegram," said poor Gordon. - -"I say, what about?" - -"Sayin' I wath a noble character and so on," replied Gordon, miserably, -"and I came here at onth becauth the telegram came from here." - -As the sleep went out of his eyes, he talked less Hebraically. - -"I thought she might be here," he added, shaking his curly head. - -Bob thought very hard. - -"I say, this is awfully mixed, Mr. Gordon, because I know you told -granny you were married to Pen!" - -Gordon gulped something down. It was probably very bad language. - -"So--so I am," he said, sternly, without looking at Bob. - -"Rivaulx says so, too." - -"The devil!" cried Gordon. - -"And so does Goby and Rivaulx and Bramber and De Vere and all of 'em!" - -Gordon fell back on his pillows. - -"So you see," said Bob, "we're no further than we were, except that -Weekes, who used to be Pen's maid, came to granny this afternoon and -told her, the beast, that Pen had married Timothy Bunting!" - -Gordon bounced out of bed in his night-shirt. - -"Who the devil is Timothy Bunting?" he roared. - -Bob told him. - -"It's a lie--a lie!" - -"Of course it must be, if you've married her, as you say," said Bob. -"But perhaps I'm disturbing you. Would you like to go to sleep?" - -"Very much indeed," replied Gordon. "I should like to go to sleep and -stay asleep. I wish you'd go and serve Goby and De Vere as you've -served me!" - -"I'm so sorry," said Bob, "but you always said you wanted any news, and -that's why I told you first." - -Gordon held out his hand, and Bob shook it warmly. - -"By the way," he asked, "what about the hair restorer?" - -"What hair restorer?" asked the astonished Hebrew. - -"The one you put ninety pounds of mine in, sir." - -"It wasn't in a hair restorer. What makes you say so?" - -"Well," replied Bob, "I thought it was. You said it would make my hair -curl. How much did it make, whatever it was?" - -A glow of pleasure spread over Gordon's sad countenance. Making money -was something even in despair. - -"My boy, I bought you Amalekites at half a crown, five hundred and sixty -of 'em, and now they're at L4." - -"Dear me," said Bob, "how much does that make? Why, it's L2,240." - -"Less commission," agreed the financier. - -"By Jove, that's a very, very good beginning," said Bob. "Do you think -they will go up more, Mr. Gordon?" - -Gordon looked at him and sighed. - -"They might. But don't you think it would be safer to get out now, -Bob?" - -Bob shook his head. - -"I'll follow your advice, sir, of course. If it was only myself, I'd -take the money, but I'm thinking of Goring, when my father and -grandfather and uncle die. What I want is fifty thousand, at least. -Grandfather often says that is the least that can put the house on its -legs again. Let me see, L2,240 is eight times four times L90. That's -thirty-two times L90. What's thirty-two times L2,240?" - -"Seventy-one thousand six hundred and eighty," replied Gordon, promptly. - -"That would do very well indeed," said Bob. "Please go on, sir, till -it's that. Or shall I take half and ask Mr. Plant to do something with -it? He offered to help me." - -"Certainly not," replied Gordon, angrily. "Plant's a reckless speculator -and a liar, and he'll wake up some day worth half a million less than -nothing. I'll do my best for you and Goring, Bob." - -"I'm sure you will, sir," said Bob. "Good night, Mr. Gordon. I'm sorry -if I've worried you." - -And he went off to worry Goby. Gordon walked up and down the room -weeping. - -"If I only had a boy like that!" he cried. "By Moses and all the -prophets, I'll put Amalekites up sky-high, and squeeze the bears till -they howl. Oh, Pen, Pen!" - - - - - *CHAPTER XVIII.* - - -By breakfast-time or a little later, Goby and Gordon and De Vere and -Rivaulx knew not only what was said about Timothy Bunting, but also that -every one of them had told the Duchess of Goring that he was married to -Penelope. When the bishop looked in to see the marquis, he found him -exceedingly difficult to manage. He wanted the duelling-swords back in -order to fight every one. His especial desire now was to put cold steel -through Gordon, and this led to a general evacuation of Spilsborough. - -"I say, Mr. Gordon," said Bob, rushing in upon the financier while he -was shaving, "I've just met the bishop, and he wanted to know if I knew -you, and I said 'rather,' and he said would I ask you, in the interests -of peace, to go back to London, because the marquis wanted to cut your -throat with swords hanging in the bishop's dining-room. I say, will you -go, or stay and fight?" - -Gordon cut himself, and then, as Bob said, "cut his stick" and went back -to town shaved on one side and not on the other. As a result of this, -several men in the city sold bears of everything that Gordon was -interested in, and they got left most horribly, especially on -Amalekites. Never afterward did they venture to think that any -financier was on the borders of ruin if he came into the city partially -shaved. In fact, three very shady Jews, with some wildcat stock to -boom, played the trick successfully, and, through not being shaved -themselves, they shaved others. - -But this is all by the way, and it only shows that a real financier in -love or in despair is just as dangerous as at other times. Bob and the -bishop talked the situation over in Spilsborough while Gordon was going -to town, and the result was what might have been expected. - -"All we know is that Penelope, poor dear Penelope is near Spilsborough," -said the bishop. - -"And that she's married," said Bob. - -"We infer that from general grounds, our knowledge of her character," -said the logical bishop. "Strictly we cannot be said to know it. It is -not a primary datum of consciousness, nor is it a judgment or a purely -rational conclusion, Bob." - -"Oh," said Bob, "well, perhaps not." - -"I think," said the bishop, "that I shall write to her--" - -"Where to?" - -"To everywhere," said the bishop, "and ask her to come and confide in -me. And in the meantime, as the others have gone, and your presence -here is no longer necessary, I think you should go home and console your -grandmother, and apply yourself to work." - -"All right," said Bob; "I don't think it's interesting here any more. -But are you glad I came in time to stop the duel?" - -"I am glad," said the bishop. "But, to tell the truth, Robert, I should -not have allowed a duel on Mr. Dean's ancient grass and under his -immemorial elms without a remonstrance, even a physical remonstrance." - -Within the memory of this portly and admirable pillar of the Church to -which the British Empire owes all its greatness, and to which it pays a -great deal of its money, were many fierce encounters at Oxford, that -haunt of ancient peace and modern progress. - -"Would you have knocked 'em down?" asked Bob, eagerly. - -"Certainly," said the bishop. "I would have knocked them as flat as a -flounder." - -And Bob bade him good-bye. - -"I think he's a ripping good bishop," said Bob. "I'll ask Mr. Gordon to -help restore the cathedral." - -He got back to Goring to find Titania no longer suffering from fits. -Fits were not equal to the situation. All her friends were writing to -her to condole with her on the marriage of Penelope to Timothy Bunting. -They came down in droves to condole and to get the latest intelligence, -while gamekeepers and grooms were keeping journalists out of the grounds -with guns and pitchforks. - -For the world was absolutely certain that Miss Weekes was right, and -Pen's _ci-devant_ maid was making the salary of a star at the Empire by -according interviews to those halfpenny papers which are England's glory -and her hope. The editors endeavoured to interview the lovers, but they -were stern and savage. They would not speak to each other and avoided -strangers. But it was no secret now that they each claimed to be Lady -Penelope's husband. As the acutest journalist of them all remarked, -this was hardly possible. The only theory that held water (or, at -least, "good" water, as the Baboo pleader remarked) was the Bunting -theory. But if Bunting was the man, where was he? and why this mystery? -A journalist solved it, or said he did. Bunting was a very handsome -man. There was no doubt of that. But he was an uneducated man. That -was quite certain. If a lady of Penelope's standing married a man of -Bunting's, what would she do? The answer was easy. She would send him -to Oxford to acquire the accent and the aplomb and the insolence which -have rendered Oxford men the idols of the mob, and have put them into -every position where tact with inferior races is a _sine qua non_. This -is what the journalist said. He ought to have known, as he had been -brought up in the Yorkshire Dissenting College, and dissented from all -other codes of manners, except those popular with the non-conformist -conscience, which, equally with the Church of England, has made the -empire what it is and what it should be. - -But this journalist knew his market. The eyes of the civilized world -once more turned to Oxford. - -"If it's Bunting, I'll kill him," said all the lovers who were not -married to Penelope. "She has made a mistake, if it's true, and he must -be got rid of." - -Now was the time of the Marchioness of Rigsby's glory. - -"Did I not tell you she had married her groom?" she demanded of Titania. -"Penelope was extremely rude to me. I am almost glad she has married a -groom. If he is a nice groom, he may improve her manners." - -"She hasn't married any groom," cried Titania, furiously. "I am -perfectly certain it is the Marquis of Rivaulx." - -She was certain of nothing. Bradstock was certain of nothing. They -both asked Bob what he was certain of, and Bob replied all the lovers -were in such a state of mind that it couldn't be any of them. And then -at last Titania hit upon a certain truth. - -"Whoever it is would be just as miserable as all the others," she said. -"He'll be sorry now that he agreed to it, and he'll be asking her to -give in, and she won't. And they'll quarrel." - -"You're right, Titania," cried Bradstock, slapping his thigh. "Bob, I -believe the most miserable of them all is the man. Which is the most -miserable?" - -Bob thought. - -"Gordon cried a little." - -"Ha!" said the duchess. - -"But Rivaulx cried a good deal," said Bob. - -"Oh," said the duchess. "But which do you think it is, Robert?" - -"I think it's Timothy Bunting," said Bob. "And I want to go to Oxford to -find out if he's there. Baker says--" - -"Do you discuss these matters with Baker?" demanded his grandmother, -haughtily. - -"He knows a great deal about the world," said Bob, "and about Bunting, -you know. Baker says--" - -"You may go to Oxford," cried Titania, "and I will go to bed and stay -there. I am a most unhappy woman, and Goring does not care!" - -So Bob went to Oxford all by himself, and called upon an undergraduate -who had just come up from Harrow, one of the schools which Bob had been -requested to leave on account of pugilism. Jack Harcourt was four years -Bob's senior, but could not fight so well in spite of that, and there -was much more equality between them than would seem possible at first -sight. But then it is almost impossible to feel very much superior to a -boy who has knocked you absolutely senseless, as Bob did Harcourt. And -Bob was one of those boys who make all the world equal. He was familiar -with princes, and said "Baker says" to cabinet ministers. And if his -uncle didn't marry, he was bound to be a duke. Dukes are very important -people, somehow, and the fact that Bob never showed any side was much in -his favour over and above that important fact. - -"I say, is there a man up here called Bunting?" asked Bob. - -And Harcourt, after consulting a calendar, said there was. - -"Timothy Bunting?" asked Bob, jumping as if he were shot. - -"Thomas," said Harcourt. - -"Oh, he'd say Thomas, I dare say," said Bob. And he told Harcourt all -about it. - -"Do you think she's married him?" asked the undergraduate. - -"Who knows what girls will do?" said Bob. "Don't you remember the -black-eyed one in the pastry-cook's at Harrow who wouldn't look at you -and was in love with that beast Black?" - -Harcourt did remember, but changed the conversation as quickly as -possible. - -"This fellow is at All Saints," he said. "I dare say, they'd let a -groom in there." - -"Let's go and find him," said Bob. "Poor old Bunting will be sick to -see me. I'm very sorry for him if he is a presumptuous beast. It will -be very awkward for the family. But we must know. The uncertainty is -killing my grandmother, and Baker says it's always best to know the -worst at once. Baker's the best judge of dogs and horses I know. He was -a sergeant in the Dublin Fusiliers. Oh, I told you that!" - -And when they got into the High Street, they ran right into Plant, who -smiled a sickly smile and said he had come up to have a look at Oxford. - -"I say, Mr. Plant, what's the matter with your clothes?" asked Bob. -"Have you fallen downstairs?" - -Plant murmured something unintelligible and hurried away, leaving Bob -staring. - -"That's one of 'em, Harcourt," he said to his friend. "He's a -millionaire." - -"Then I think he might afford a hat without a dint in it," replied -Harcourt. - -Bob shook his head. - -"I can't make it out. He's very particular," he said. "But let's get -on." - -Around the next corner they bumped into Gordon, who also announced that -he had been struck with a wild desire to have a look at the ancient -university city. Bob shook his head. - -"I say, Mr. Gordon, you want brushing badly. Do you know you look as if -you had fallen downstairs?" he asked. - -Gordon said, "Do I?" and bolted. - -"I can't make this out," said Bob. "This has all the appearance of a -mystery, Harcourt." - -"It has," said Harcourt. As they entered All Saints, they saw a man run -across the grass and disappear under the far archway which led out into -the Turl. - -"That looked very much like De Vere," said Bob, "very much. Only I -never saw him run except that time when the bulldog chased him. And -then he ran differently. But of course it can't be De Vere." - -After asking two reverend-looking members of the university, who looked -as if they knew all about the subjective world, and a scout with every -appearance of a deep acquaintance with the objective one, they -discovered Mr. Bunting's rooms. - -"I think he's havin' some gents to lunch, though I'm not his scout, sir, -and they seems to be enjoying themselves now very much," said the scout. -"Mr. Bunting is readin' 'ard, so I 'ear, but he's relaxin' a little -to-day. Just now I see a gentleman drop hout of 'is window, sir. And -you're the third lot I've directed there. This is 'is staircase, gents, -first floor. Thank you, sir, I'm sure. I'll drink your 'ealth." - -And here Harcourt said he thought he'd leave Bob. So Bob went up about -six dark steps by himself, and then he stopped. - -"Whoever he is, he's making a devil of a row," said Bob, pausing, "a -devil of a row. I wonder if it is Bunting. I think Harcourt might have -stayed. But he never did like fighting or rows." - -He climbed up another step or two, and heard a mighty uproar. - -"I think they must be having a boxing party," said Bob. And then he -heard a door open on the landing above him. - -"Confound you, sir! to the devil with you, sir!" said a voice that he -certainly did not recognize. Then he heard a noise which was presently -explained by the fact that Carteret Williams fell down the stairs, -turning a crooked corner most wonderfully in company with a very large -Liddell and Scott's Dictionary of that beautiful language, Greek. - -"Oh, is that you, Mr. Williams?" asked Bob. - -Williams appeared rather confused. - -"Yes, Bob," he said, as he hugged the dictionary. "I--I think so." - -"Why have you fallen down-stairs?" asked Bob. - -"That damn groom threw me down," said Williams. "At least, he threw this -book at me, and I came down." - -[Illustration: CARTERET WILLIAMS, WAR CORRESPONDENT. He wrote with a red -picturesqueness which was horribly attractive] - -"What, is it really Bunting?" roared Bob, eagerly. - -"He says his name's Bunting," replied Williams. "But he's very difficult -to handle." - -"Oh, Tim can box," said Bob. "But is he our Bunting?" - -"Whichever Bunting he is, you are welcome to him," said the enraged war -correspondent. - -"I must go up and see," said Bob. "Do you think he threw Mr. Plant and -Mr. Gordon down, too? I met 'em just now, and they looked as if he -had." - -"I'm sure he's capable of it," said Williams, bitterly. "Here, take -this book with you. I don't want it." - -And Bob climbed up, hugging several pounds' weight of Greek with him. -He stood at the door and listened, and heard a man inside snorting -violently and slamming things about as if he was very much disturbed in -his mind. Bob knocked at the door, and it was opened suddenly. The man -who opened it was in deep shadow. - -"It is--it is. No, it isn't," said Bob, quite aloud. - -"Are you another of 'em?" asked the occupier of the rooms. - -"Oh, it isn't," said Bob. And, choking down his disappointment, his -politeness returned. - -"Is this your Greek dictionary?" he asked, courteously. "I found it -lying on Mr. Carteret Williams on the next landing, and he said he -didn't want it." - -The man named Bunting seized the dictionary, and then took Bob by the -shoulder and led him in. Bob went like a lamb, for this Mr. Bunting was -six feet high, about three feet across the chest, more or less, and had -a grip like clip-hooks on a bale. - -"Was that man named Williams?" he asked. - -"Yes," said Bob. - -"You know him?" - -"Why, of course," said Bob. "I know 'em all." - -"All I've thrown down-stairs this afternoon?" - -"I think so," said Bob, modestly. "At least, I met Mr. Plant and Mr. -Gordon, who looked very much as if they had fallen down-stairs. And I -think the little gentleman you dropped out of the window on the grass -must have been Mr. Austin de Vere." - -"Oh," said Mr. Bunting, "sit down, boy, and look at me. Do I look mad?" - -Bob looked at him and then at the room. - -"The room looks mad," he replied. And it certainly did. - -"That was the last one," said Mr. Bunting. "He was very troublesome." - -"He's a war correspondent," said Bob. "But why is your name Bunting?" - -"How the devil do I know?" asked the other, in reply. "Perhaps, as you -seem to know them, you can explain what it all means?" - -"I will try, sir, if you will tell me what occurred," said Bob. - -"First of all," said the outraged member of All Saints, "the American -person knocked and came in, and he said: 'Is your name Bunting?' And I -said, 'Yes, confound you, for your infernal impudence, and what is -yours?' And he said, 'What the devil do you mean by saying you have -married her?' And I said I'd said nothing of the kind, and I said if he -didn't get out in two shakes of a lamb's tail, I'd throw him out. And -he was furious, and couldn't and wouldn't explain, so I did throw him -out. And, as he tumbled down-stairs, he said he'd married her himself. -And he went away, and I sat down to read Thucydides. He's under the -sofa now somewhere. And then the Jew came, and he said: 'You mutht -contradict the report of your being married to her at onth,' and that -made me very cross, and I said I wouldn't, and that made him very wild, -so I said I was married to her just as he said he was--" - -"Oh," said Bob, "and are you? Oh, dear, I am so confused! Are you -really, really married to Pen?" - -"I shall drop you out of the window in a minute," said Mr. Bunting. "I -said it to annoy him, and it did, and he said I was a liar. So I opened -the door and took him by the neck and dropped him down-stairs, and he -howled awfully. And I said to him over the bannisters, 'I am married to -her, and have been married for years to her, and she loves me very much, -and we are going to acknowledge it as soon as I've taken my B.A.' And -he went away holding his neck, and then the little man came in. Did you -say he was a poet?" - -"A very good poet, too," said Bob. "And I sell him bulldogs." - -"Oh," said Mr. Bunting, blankly, "you do, do you? Why?" - -"Because Pen thought they would do him good." - -Mr. Bunting shook his head. - -"Thicksides is lucid compared with this!" he murmured. "But patience, -patience, and I shall construe it yet." - -"And what did Mr. de Vere say?" asked Bob. - -"The same thing. He stood there and said I must contradict it. And he -said of course it was very kind of her to have me educated, but that, if -I had a spark of decency, I should know that a man who had once occupied -the position I had couldn't possibly marry her. And, by the way, what -position had I occupied in regard to her?" - -"A groom," said Bob. "You were supposed to have been a groom." - -"Dear me," said Mr. Bunting, "how interesting and remarkable. Still no -light, no real light! And of course I said I had married her, and I -asked him did he think I would desert the lady now? And he went -scarlet. Why did he go scarlet do you think?" - -"I know," said Bob, "it must have been on account of the baby!" - -Mr. Bunting smote his forehead. - -"So it must," he said. "I never thought of that. What a fearful -complication! And then he, too, said I was a liar. So I took him by -the collar and led him to the window, and I opened it and dropped him -out. And then the one you call Williams came, and he also was -indignant, and said I was to deny it, and I wouldn't of course. And -then we fought, and the furniture was much disarranged and Thicksides -went under the sofa, and at last I got him outside, and finished him -with Liddell and Scott. And now you know all! In your turn you can -explain what it means. I beg you to do it, and then we will have some -tea." - -And Bob explained the whole story. - -"You might have seen it in the papers," said Bob. - -"I don't read 'em," said Bunting, "except to turn a _Times_ leader into -Greek. But it seems a complicated situation, doesn't it?" - -"It is very complicated," sighed Bob, "and my grandmother is very ill -about it. And now she will wonder if it's you, after all!" - -"Dear me, so she will," said Bunting. "Have some tea." - -They had tea, and Bob rose to go. - -"Will you write to the _Times_, and say you haven't married her?" he -asked. - -"Certainly not," said Mr. Bunting. "Didn't I say to the others that I -threw down-stairs that I _had_ married her?" - -"So you did," said Bob. "But of course you haven't?" - -Bunting smiled. - -"Good-bye. When you come to Oxford again, come and see me. I must -crawl under the sofa now." - -"What for?" asked Bob. - -"For Thucydides, of course," replied Mr. Bunting. - -And when Bob was in the train for London, he turned very pale. - -"Good heavens!" he said, "how do I know it isn't this Bunting, after -all?" - - - - - *CHAPTER XIX.* - - -After this, things by no means cleared up, as they should have done -considering the amount of trouble that all the world took to find out -the truth. Every one said something different from some one else. Bob -gave horribly imaginative accounts of his adventures at Oxford, and -threw out suggestions that Pen was really married to a Bunting, if not -to Timothy Bunting. But when he appealed for corroboration to Gordon, -that gentleman shuffled and prevaricated dreadfully, as he did not like -to acknowledge he had been thrown down-stairs. There was a very curious -scene, in which Gordon and Bob had the best part of a row before -Titania, who came up to town to be near Dr. Lumsden Griff, who knew all -about the left or right ventricle of her heart. As his jealous -confreres said he knew nothing else, perhaps he did. However, that is -by the way. - -"Tell it me again, Robert," said Titania. - -Bob told her again. - -"He said he was married to her?" - -"He said he said so to Mr. Plant and Mr. Gordon, and Williams and De -Vere," said Bob, gloating over the details of the row. "And he slung -'em all down-stairs. He's about six feet six high, and as broad as a -billiard-table, and as strong as three Sandows, I should say." - -"I am much confused again," said Titania, plaintively. "I had come to -the point where certain news of her marriage to a groom would have been -a relief to me. Where are we now?" - -As she asked, Gordon was announced. Bob rushed at him. - -"I say, Mr. Gordon, tell us how he threw you down-stairs, and what he -said?" - -"He didn't throw me down-stairs," said Gordon, quite crossly. "I threw -myself down--I mean I slipped." - -"Tell us how you slipped, then, and why," said Bob. - -But Gordon wouldn't. - -"Oh, I say!" said Bob. - -Titania begged Gordon to tell her. - -"But then he told me he had married Pen," she said to herself. "What is -the use of asking any one anything?" - -"How did you find him?" asked Bob. - -"I looked him up," said Gordon. - -"Why did you look him up?" - -"Because I wanted to find him out," returned Gordon, sulkily. "But I -didn't come to be cross-examined by you, Bob." - -In spite of the large sums of money which Gordon owed Bob, Bob was on -the point of an explosion. But trouble was averted by Plant's entrance. -Before he could say a word, a telegram was brought to Titania, and she -read it at once and uttered dismal groans. - -"What is it?" chorused the two men and Bob. - -"It's from Penelope." - -"Please read it out." - -Bob read it for his grandmother. - - -"Am exceedingly displeased with latest reports and news. Contradict at -once. Am not married to Bunting, who is much upset by report, and can -hardly look me in the face. PENELOPE." - - -"Bunting is with her!" said Titania. - -"Which Bunting?" asked Bob. "He--I mean the one at Oxford--told Mr. -Gordon and Mr. de Vere that he was married to her." - -Gordon groaned, and, seizing his hat, fled from the room. He came back -again. - -"Where does the wire come from?" - -"From Spilsborough," said Bob. "Granny, I wonder if the bishop is in -it." - -Gordon groaned and went. And went a little too early, for another wire -came. It was a very long one. - -Titania looked at the signature first, and she sat up. - -"It's from Penelope's husband," she cried. - -"Who is he really?" shrieked Bob. - -"It's signed Penelope's husband, I mean," said Titania, "and he seems -very unhappy." - -The telegram read: - - -"Am in great distress. Penelope is furious because told you confidence -that was married to her. She has heard this, and has learnt that others, -lying scoundrels, said they were, too. She says their noble conduct -saved her, and will not speak at present, though holding out hopes of -reconciliation later to her and infant, which is doing well, if I say -nothing and do not fight with others, but do my duty, which I find hard -under peculiar circumstances. Hence am precluded from confirming what I -told you, and can only communicate anonymously, as Penelope threatens to -have divorce or equivalent, being headstrong, as you are aware, and I am -in distress about it. Wire reply. - -"PENELOPE'S HUSBAND." - - -"He's mad," said Titania. "How can I wire reply to a man I know nothing -of?" - -She turned to Plant. - -"You told me in confidence, Mr. Plant. Did you send this?" - -Plant turned all the colours of the rainbow. - -"Yes," he said, desperately, and he bolted from the room and the house -and disappeared, while Bob gasped, and Titania nodded her head in a most -awe-inspiring manner. - -"Get some telegraph forms," she said. And when Bob brought them, she -dictated telegrams to all the horde in the diplomatic form of identic -notes. - - -"Have received sad telegram signed Penelope's husband. Recognize under -painful circumstances he cannot reveal himself. Am much composed and -have given up hope. It appears it cannot be Bunting, though Bunting is -with her. Contradict this; also the rumour that it is the Rajah of -Jugpore. - -"TITANIA GORING." - - -"Send them," she said, "and let me rest. I presume that the right one -will get it. The only trouble is that six of the wrong ones will, too." - -"Goby will go insane," said Bob. "I know he will. I can't see how this -will end without murder." - -And Titania laughed dreadfully. She laughed so queerly that Doctor -Griff was sent for, and refused to allow her to see De Vere and Goby and -Bramber and Gordon and Plant and Williams and Carew. The last turned up -first in a hansom cab, with a large palette knife in his hand. He had -forgotten to put it down. As hansom after hansom came up and discharged -one furious lover after another at the steps of Titania's town house, it -looked as if Bob's foreseen murder would occur there and then. It is -possible that nothing but the timely arrival of Bradstock saved London -from the desirable news of a murder in high life and Belgrave Square. -He got hold of the men one by one, and sent them away. As they went, a -telegraph boy came to the house with another telegram addressed to -Titania. - -"I shall open this, Bob," said Bradstock. It was another from Pen. - - -"Have just learnt that you and others have been trying to discover my -whereabouts. If I am pursued, I shall leave and go elsewhere. This is -final. - -PENELOPE." - - -"From Spilsborough, Bob," said Bradstock. - -"She's heard that I and Goby and Rivaulx and the others were there," -said Bob. "Do you think the bishop knows where she is?" - -"I wouldn't trust a bishop," said Bradstock. "I daresay he does. It is -said that bishops steal Elzevirs and umbrellas, Bob. I think I shall go -to Spilsborough myself. Have you seen the evening papers, Bob?" - -Bob had seen none of them. - -"Some say now that she is married to Jugpore, and others say it is a -morganatic marriage to the mediatized Prince of Bodenstrau." - -"Oh, I say, Pen will be mad," cried Bob. "Isn't he a real bad un?" - -"The very worst," said Bradstock. - -"And are you really going to Spilsborough, Lord Bradstock?" - -"I really think so," said Bradstock. "I begin to think I must do -something." - -He stood pondering. - -"May I come with you?" - -Bradstock declined the honour. - -"If I don't succeed, you may go again if you like," he said. And that -very afternoon he went to Liverpool Street and took the train for -Spilsborough to call on the bishop. - -"My dear Bradstock, I am delighted to see you," said his lordship. "I -presume you, too, have come here about Penelope?" - -"I have," said Bradstock, "every one does." - -"Did young Bob tell you all about the peculiar occurrences which took -place here only lately? They were quite remarkable." - -Bradstock agreed that they were remarkable. - -"A duel on the dean's grass, now! Who would have thought of that but a -Frenchman? Have you seen the marquis lately, and that very agreeable -financier, the American? I was much grieved not to be able to ask him -to dinner, owing to his sudden departure. He showed considerable skill -in grasping the essentials of the situation, for, when the marquis, who -was literally foaming at the mouth, offered him the choice of swords in -a violent but perfectly gentlemanly way, he chose both of them, and put -them under his arm. It is not every one who could have displayed such -readiness in preventing violence. One would not have expected it in an -American, for I understand disorder and disturbances leading to -bloodshed are quite common even in Washington." - -"I have frequently seen most bloodthirsty duels behind the Capitol -during the sessions of Congress," said Bradstock, gravely. - -"Ah, so I understand," replied the bishop. "But is there no news of -dear Penelope?" - -"Come, bishop, let us be frank," said Bradstock. "Have you no idea whom -she has married?" - -The gentle bishop looked much surprised. - -"I? My dear Bradstock, I haven't the least idea. But I gather that both -the gentlemen I interrupted the other day claim to be her husband, to -say nothing of many others whom I have not yet set eyes on." - -"And you have no notion where she is?" - -The bishop lifted his hands. - -"I think she must be near this place," he said. "I consider there can be -no doubt of that, owing to matters with which Bob made me acquainted. By -the way, I think this young Bob a very remarkable boy, Bradstock." - -"So do I, bishop," said Bradstock. - -"A very remarkable boy. The dean, who saw very little of him, came to -that conclusion. He said he would be an ornament to the House of Lords, -or the biggest young rip that ever disgraced it." - -"Your dean must be a clever man," said Bradstock. - -"Do not call him my dean," replied the bishop. "He is the cathedral's -dean, and very difficult to handle. However, he is said to be clever, -and I dare say is clever, especially about grass and a choir and things -material. But, as I was going on to say, I consider it quite easy to -find out where Penelope is, provided we go about it skilfully. I cannot -but remember that I christened her, and I still take an interest in -her." - -"How do you propose to discover her whereabouts?" asked Bradstock. - -"She sends telegrams from our Spilsborough post-office, does she not?" - -"Yes," said Bradstock. - -"Then some one should watch the post-office for her messenger. It seems -probable that you would know him, as she is not likely to confide in -strangers. Who can say that the very man she has married does not send -them?" - -That was easily disposed of, for, to Bradstock's certain knowledge, all -the lovers were in town when the last wires came. - -"Well, I suggest you watch the post-office," said the bishop. "It is, I -opine, a perfectly legitimate thing to do." - -Bradstock objected that she mightn't send any more for weeks. - -A brilliant idea struck the bishop. - -"Send her one which requires an answer, Bradstock." - -"Where to?" asked Bradstock. - -"Tut, tut!" said the bishop, "how foolish of me. Stay, I have it. Put -something in the _Times_ which requires an answer." - -"I will," said Bradstock. - -"And send for young Bob to watch," said the bishop. "It is time that -this scandal was stopped. I am exceedingly grieved with Penelope for -getting married in a registrar's office. I will offer to marry her all -over again in this very cathedral. And now you shall come and have -lunch, and I will show you the swords given me by the marquis." - -After lunch and an inspection of the trophies in the dining-room, -Bradstock and the bishop drafted an advertisement for the _Times_, -imploring Pen to telegraph to Bradstock, saying how she was, as there -was a rumour afloat that she didn't feel well. This was sent by wire to -town, and was accompanied in its flight by one to Bob, asking him to -come up in a motor-car at once. - -"I think," said the bishop, "that I should like to go in a motor-car. -There must be something delightful in speeding through the country -feeling that steel and petrol do not suffer any of the strain that comes -on horses. I shall ask young Bob to take me out." - -"He will be delighted," said Bradstock. "I'm sure he will be delighted. -They say he is an enterprising driver for his youth." - -"I love enterprise," murmured the bishop. "I am surprised now to think -of my own. I entered the Church meaning to be a bishop, and I am a -bishop. I love enterprise. All curates seem full of it. Deans, I -regret to say, are seldom vigorously enterprising. Archdeacons, too, -have a tendency to take things easily, too easily." - -"What do you think of the Higher Criticism?" asked Bradstock. - -"Ha!" said the bishop, "ha! I think--oh, I think a great deal of it. -That is, I think of it a great deal. I do not think all enterprise is -praiseworthy. Would you like to know the dean?" - -They spent the afternoon in the dean's cathedral, and walked on the -dean's grass, and about six o'clock Bob rolled into the cathedral close -in a fifteen-horse-power Daimler, and drew up in front of the bishop's -palace. - -"Have you found her out?" he demanded, eagerly, of Bradstock. - -"No, but you shall," said Bradstock. - - - - - *CHAPTER XX.* - - -The bishop was very kind and amiable to Bob. Some people say that -bishops are always kind and good to people who will be dukes by and by. -One never knows what a duke can do for one later, and, of course, a -bishop wants to be an archbishop. That is only natural: even a cardinal -wants to be Pope, although he almost always says he is sorry he became -one when he finds himself at the end of his tether. The bishop was a -human being, but a nice one, and he really liked Bob, who suggested -youth and strength and the future, all of them agreeable things to those -who are not young and see their future behind them. So he talked to Bob -almost as if he was one of the Bench of Bishops. He was familiar and -jovial, and told some good stories of other bishops and even one of an -archbishop. And he suggested to Bob that he rather wanted to see what a -motor-car was like. - -"There is a prejudice against them here," said the bishop. "Perhaps a -natural prejudice among those who own chickens and dogs and children. -But Providence works in a mysterious way, and I should be the last to -hasten to blame even the gentleman known as a road hog. I begin to -perceive an unwonted sprightliness in the villagers as the elimination -of the unfit, the rheumatic, the undecided, and the foolish proceeds -apace. A young man, who told me that he had in the course of his career -as an owner of cars killed nearly a thousand dogs, two thousand five -hundred fowls, several aged persons, some idiots, and a policeman, said -that he noticed nowadays an air of bright alertness in his immediate -neighbourhood which was at once a pleasure and an encouragement. He -asserted that the dogs who remained were of a higher type of intellect -than the others; and he said that even the fowls now stood sideways in -the road and used their natural advantage of looking both ways at once. -There was, too, a great improvement in village children and even in -policemen. Oh, yes, I think much may be said for the motor-car." - -"I should very much like to take you out in one, my lord," said Bob. - -The bishop smiled graciously. - -"You shall, my boy, as soon as this matter of Penelope is settled. I -shall greatly enjoy passing rapidly through the country. I think of -buying one for purposes of my pastoral visitations. Perhaps I may wake -up some of my more somnolent clergy. I may even raise their general -intellectual average, which is low, really low." - -Bob's chauffeur put up at the Angel, but Bob himself had a bed in the -palace, and dined in state with the bishop and Bradstock. They -discussed Penelope all dinner-time, even before Ridley, for, as the -bishop explained, Ridley took no interest in anything whatever but wine. - -"I believe," said the bishop, with a chuckle, "that I might venture in -his presence to advocate the disestablishment of the Church, or to give -vent to heretical or even atheistical sentiments without his being aware -that I was doing anything surprising, improper, or unusual. By all -means, let us talk before Ridley. How do you think Bob should proceed, -Bradstock?" - -"He must stay in his car near, but not too near, the post-office," said -Bradstock. "If Bob is properly goggled, this George Smith, whom we -suppose to bring Pen's letters and telegrams, will not notice him. -Shall you know him, Bob?" - -"Rather," said Bob. "He walks very queerly. I could tell him a mile -off." - -"Very well, then," Bradstock continued, "when he goes, you will follow -him at a distance. He must not be lost sight of." - -"I much underrate our young friend's enterprise if he loses him," said -the bishop. "There are occasions when exceeding the legal limit becomes -a duty, Bob." - -"Rather," said Bob. "Oh, I'll do it." - -They calculated that the _Times_ would reach Pen about noon, as they -believed she must be within twenty miles of Spilsborough. Bob -accordingly arranged to take up his watch at the post-office before one -o'clock. - -"And perhaps to-morrow night the mystery will be solved," said the -bishop. "It is really remarkable. I am not at all able to follow -Penelope's mind." - -Bob explained it to him. - -"They ragged her," he said,--by "they" meaning Titania and others,--"and -she loves peace and hates showing off, and she's as obstinate as a pig. -And grandmother said she was to be married in Westminster Abbey by a -bishop, and that put her back up. Oh, Pen's easy to understand, I -think." - -"You have no idea whom she has really married?" asked the bishop. - -"Not much," said Bob. "I give it up. I've thought it was all of 'em, -and every one has done or said something that could be taken both ways. -I was sure it was Goby, and then I was certain it was Bramber, and then -I fairly knew it was Rivaulx, and I could have sworn it was Plant. And -I'm very much worried by what occurred at Oxford. This new Bunting was -very surprising." - -The bishop had not heard of the new Bunting, and listened to Bob's story -with great interest. - -"The world is a very surprising place," said the bishop, with emphasis; -"a very surprising place indeed. We do not need to go to Africa for new -things. We are surrounded by the unexpected, by the marvellous. Bob's -delightful story makes me feel that no one can reckon with certainty -upon anything. I am half-inclined to think that this new Bunting must -be a relation of the other Bunting, and that Penelope has met him, been -struck with him, and has married him and lives in temporary retirement, -while her husband struggles with Thucydides under a sofa. But after -to-morrow we shall know more." - -"I hope so," said Bradstock. - -"I feel sure of it," said the bishop. - -And Bob went to bed. - -"Do you know, Bradstock," said the bishop, as he stroked his leg, which -was a very reasonable leg for a bishop, "I wonder you didn't think I had -married Penelope." - -"Good heavens!" said Bradstock, "have you?" - -"Certainly not," replied the bishop, "but it is odd she should be near -Spilsborough, isn't it?" - -"She must be somewhere," said Bradstock, rather irritably. "Hang it! -the girl must be somewhere." - -"When you think of it, she must," said the bishop. "Yes, yes, you are -right. Still, Spilsborough--yes, it's odd, but not remarkable. As you -say, she must be somewhere. I hope it's not the Jew, Bradstock." - -So did Bradstock. - -"It looks very much as if she was ashamed of him. But I'm incapable of -judging, not having been married," said the bishop. - -"I've been married twice," said Bradstock, "and Pen is a woman, which -means she resembles no other woman in any respect whatever as regards -her ways, manners, customs, and thoughts." - -"You say that coolly?" asked the bishop. - -"Icily," replied Bradstock. - -The bishop shook his head. - -"You surprise me," said the bishop, "and I think I will go to bed." - -Bradstock went to bed, too. - -"I shouldn't be surprised if she had married the bishop and was under -this roof now," said Bradstock. "Nothing would surprise me unless I -discover she's married to Rivaulx or Bramber. I don't think I should -mind either of 'em." - -And next day at half-past twelve Bob and his chauffeur took up a -position near the post-office. As Geordie Smith knew Bradstock, he kept -quietly at the palace. But the interested bishop who had not married -Penelope kept bustling about the neighbourhood in quite an excitement. - -"I wish I was coming with you, Bob." - -"Oh, do!" said Bob. - -"I almost think it would be advisable," said the bishop. "What I said -would have weight with Penelope, I believe." - -"I rather wish you'd come," cried Bob. "It would be fun, and you said -you'd like to go in a motor-car." - -"So I did," said the bishop, "but I've never been in one. No one has -seen me in one. I fear a crowd would assemble." - -"At any rate, my lord, you might get in and sit down a minute." - -The bishop looked around. - -"I really think I will," he said. And he entered the car. - -"This is really comfortable, Bob, very comfortable, quite like an -armchair. Is your driver a good one?" - -"A ripper," said Bob. "The best they have where I got the car. It's -not mine, but when I get all the money that Gordon owes me, I'll buy -one." - -The chauffeur got down and did something inexplicable to the machinery -with a spanner. And the spanner broke. - -"I'll just run across and get a new one, sir," said the chauffeur. - -"It's getting late," said Bob. "Don't be long, and before you go start -her up." - -The driver set her going, and the bishop caught hold of Bob. - -"You're not off? This is very surprising. It makes a very curious -noise." - -"There won't be any to speak of when we get her moving," said Bob. "You -see the engine is going, and when we like we can start at once." - -He was happy, bright, and eager. - -"There's a motor-car coming," whispered the bishop. - -Bob jumped. - -"I say, it's yellow like Pen's big new one," he said. And the car -stopped in front of the post-office ten yards away. Bob grabbed the -bishop's arm. - -"That's Geordie Smith," he said. "That's Geordie getting out. I could -tell his legs a mile off. Where's my man?" - -But the man didn't come, and Geordie was back in his car. He went off -sweetly. - -"The north road," said Bob. "I'm sure he'll take it. He's going quick. -We can't wait for my man." - -He grabbed the steering-wheel, shifted the lever, and the car moved off -on the first speed. - -"I'll--I'll go a little way with you," said the bishop. - -"You'll have to unless you jump," replied Bob. "I'll keep in sight if I -die for it." - -This encouraged the bishop very much, of course, and it is possible that -he might have jumped if he had not caught sight of the dean and a minor -canon, who were staring hard at him with their mouths as wide open as -the grotesque muzzle of a Gothic gargoyle. - -"I'll not jump," said the bishop, and he waved his hand to Mr. Dean. -"No, I'll not jump before the dean if I die for it." - -Before he knew it, they were out on the road, and the dust of the yellow -car in front was like the pillar of smoke to the Hebrews in the desert. -Bob let her out to the second speed, and the bishop gasped. - -"We go very quick," he said. - -"Oh, not at all," replied Bob. "I don't want to go fast. If Geordie -thinks he's being followed, he'll go sixty miles an hour, and I don't -think I can do more than forty-five in this." - -"Can't you?" asked the bishop. "I'm almost glad you can't." - -"Is this the great north road?" asked Bob. - -"No," said the bishop, "it's the road to Crowland and Spalding. I've -often driven on it, but never so fast as this." - -Geordie's car drew ahead, and Bob put his car on the third speed. - -"Bob!" cried the bishop, as he clutched the sides of his seat. "Bob!" - -"Yes?" - -"Isn't this an illegal speed?" - -"Rather," said Bob. - -"I cannot aid and abet you in going at it, then," said the bishop, as -firmly as he could. "I must request you to be legal." - -Bob kept his eyes ahead. - -"Please don't talk," he roared, "or I shall have an accident. You must -remember I'm not at all experienced." - -What could the poor bishop do? He groaned and sat very tight indeed, -and, seeing the landscape eaten up by this monster at the rate of thirty -miles an hour, came to the conclusion that there was nothing stable in -the universe, not even theology. And about a mile ahead of them rose a -pillar of dust. - -"This is a remarkable situation," thought the bishop; "a situation which -requires some firmness of mind. I am a bishop, and I am no better than -half my clergy who break the law regularly. This must be nearly a -hundred miles an hour! I wish, I almost wish Penelope had died soon -after I christened her. This Bob is an infernal young ruffian; his -manner is not respectful. I should like to cane him. But how can I -stop him? I do not understand these strange brass things. I could as -soon play the big organ in the cathedral that I wish I was in. If I -pull Bob he will have an accident. If I speak to him, I may divert his -attention--oh!" - -They executed a fowl which had not learnt to stand sideways, and slammed -through a village, scattering several ancient inhabitants who were -enjoying a gossip in the middle of the road. As a matter of fact, they -were damning Geordie Smith in heaps when the pursuing Bob fell upon -them. They passed a church, and the bishop saw a clergyman staring over -the wall. The village fell into the category of things which had been -and slid away behind them. - -"We are stopping still and the world slides," said the bishop, "but that -was Griggs, I know, and he knew me. He has eyes like a hawk's. I am -much surprised at myself. I have seventeen engagements this afternoon. -Ridley will be alarmed. The dean--oh!" - -They slammed a barking dog into the middle of the week after next. - -"That was a near shave," roared Bob, exulting. "I've seen a smaller dog -than that capsize a bigger car than this!" - -"May I speak now?" implored the bishop. - -"Righto," said Bob. "Here's a good straight bit. What is it?" - -He was the superior: he was a big bird and the bishop was a beetle. He -was the head master; his lordship of the see of Spilsborough was a new -boy. The bishop felt small, terrified, amazed, humiliated. - -"Are we going a hundred miles an hour?" asked the bishop. - -"Rot!" said Bob, "we're only doing about thirty." - -They scorched through quiet Crowland. - -"Please put me down," implored the humble bishop. - -"I can't stop," said Bob. "I'm afraid he's getting ahead. Sit tight, -bishop, I'm going faster now." - -"You mustn't, you can't," said the bishop. - -Bob stooped for an answer and turned on the fourth speed. The bishop -felt the machine sailing underneath him. He fell back and lost all -ordinary consciousness. - -"It is true," said his mind deep inside him; "it is true that all things -are illusion! I have sometimes suspected it. We are a mode of motion; -we are affections of the ether. I believe Professor Osborne Reynolds is -right. I am a kind of vortex spinning in piled grains of ether. Bob is -a vortex. We are in a vortex. We are straws in ether; we are shadows. -I have a real non-existent pain in my real imaginary non-existent -stomach. I am not alive and I am not dead. I am brave; I am a coward; -I am a bishop. This is very wonderful. I shall preach about it when I -return to earth. Is that a hedge? Did I see a cow?--a strange, -elongated, horned, lowing, permanent, impermanent possibility of -sensation and milk in a field made of matter, which is energy, which is -an illusion. I become calm; motion is relative. I almost enjoy it. I -become a Hegelian. I see that being equals non-being; that pain becomes -pleasure if you only have enough of it. I no longer pity those who -suffer sufficiently. There is apparently too little pain in the -universe. Torquemada did his best to remedy it. Oh, was that a dog? I -quite enjoy myself. I wonder if he can go faster. If he can, I wish he -would. We are going slow, too slow!" - -And, as Geordie's dust showed up much nearer, Bob put his car again at -the third speed, and the bishop gasped. - -"How do you like it?" asked Bob, as they spun through Spalding. - -The bishop's face was a fine glowing crimson; his bloodshot eyes -glittered like opals; he was intoxicated with movement and with new -lights on philosophy. - -"I--I should like to go a thousand miles an hour at night," said the -bishop. "I think it is wonderful, Bob. Are you Bob, and I a bishop? -Where is Spilsborough? Is there a Spilsborough?" - -"Steady on!" said Bob. "I say, you're excited!" - -"I am," replied the bishop. "I am excited; I feel peculiar. I think I -can originate a new philosophy. Why are we doing this?" - -"We are trying to find out where Penelope is," said Bob. - -"Penelope, Penelope," said the bishop. "Penelope is a vortex. Yes, she -is a vortex. Men and women are vortices. I shall study mathematics and -apply it to theology." - -"Hello!" said Bob, and he stopped almost dead. For Geordie's dust had -suddenly died down. - -"I'll bet he has a puncture," said Bob. And the bishop sighed and -stared about him, as if he were just awakened. - -"Where are we?" he asked. - -"Blessed if I know," said Bob. "But you ought to know." - -"I don't," said the bishop. And he got out and stood on the dusty road. -He reeled, and the dean would have said he was intoxicated. And so he -was. - -"Geordie's off again," said Bob. "Come, jump in." - -"I won't," said the bishop. "Certainly I won't. That machine is a kind -of devil. It undermines the strongest convictions. I am afraid of it. -I shall have to resign my bishopric if I ride another mile." - -"Oh, rot!" said Bob. "Aren't you coming? I can't wait." - -"Take the devilish thing away," cried the bishop. "Anathema maranatha -and all the rest of it!" - -Without another word, Bob pulled the lever and sailed off up the road, -leaving a trail of petrol vapour behind him. - -"Mentally and physically, I don't know where I am," said the bishop. "I -don't know who I am, either. From my clothes I conclude I am a bishop, -but to come to that conclusion I have to assume that I have the right to -wear them. I have had a remarkable experience. Yes, I am a bishop. -This is the earth and very dusty. It is hot, and I am miles from -anywhere." - -He looked up the road and saw a far cloud of dust. - -"Under that dust is Bob," said the bishop. "As I said, Penelope is a -vortex. Everything is much more remarkable than I thought, much more -remarkable. I shall write to the professor to discover what he means. -It is dreadful that what may be called a mere physical experience should -incline me to look on some of my fellow bishops and the higher criticism -with a more lenient eye. I don't see how any dogma can survive a -hundred miles an hour. But Bob has not treated me altogether well. He -plumps me down somewhere between Spalding and Spilsby or Boston or some -other dreadful locality under the ghostly influence of my brother of -Lincoln, and disappears in dust and smell. He was distinctly -disrespectful. He said, 'Sit down, bishop,' in a very authoritative -manner. He told me I was excited. I own I was, but I resented being -told so by a boy, because he was a boy, or was it because I am a bishop? -An unaccustomed bishop in a motor-car is plainly nobody compared with an -experienced boy in one. I wish Penelope was a sensible person, or that -I had never known her, or that she hadn't been born! I wonder what I am -to do. I must walk; I may be overtaken by a cart and get a ride in one. -I anticipate much talk in Spilsborough about this. I wonder what Ridley -will say. Ridley is a stoic; perhaps he will say nothing. I wish I was -near Ridley; I am thirsty. This road is dusty. It also appears long -and interminable. I am as dry as convocation. I much resent Bob's -treatment of me. I wish Bradstock was here, and I was where Bradstock -is. Bradstock is in my library, in my chair, with a book in his hand and -a whiskey and soda by his side. He takes things with great calmness. I -wish he was here to take this with calmness." - -And he walked south for three hours and got back to Spalding, and there -took a train for Spilsborough. - - - - - *CHAPTER XXI.* - - -"I don't think I quite understand the bishop," said Bob, as he left the -dignitary of the Church stranded long miles from anywhere. "He looked -very queer. But I suppose they're made bishops because they are queer, -unless it's on account of their legs. I can understand the gaiters, but -the apron licks me. I'll ask him about it some day. But I wonder where -we are, and how much longer Geordie will go on. It's luck I've had no -puncture and no breakdown. I thought it was all up when I sent that dog -over the hedge. He did fly. I wonder whether any bobbies have spotted -my number. I don't care. Gordon owes me a lot of money by now. What's -thirty-two times two thousand odd? Oh, I can't remember. I'm getting -rather tired." - -But he stuck to Geordie like a burr to a sheep, and between the two of -them they stirred up more ancient peace and the haunts of it than any -other two cars in the United Kingdom. They fairly bounded through -sleepy old Boston, and a policeman, waked up from sleep by Geordie, was -wide-awake enough by the time Bob came through to call on him to stop. - -"I wouldn't stop for an army of policemen," said Bob, recklessly. "I -don't care. I'll catch Geordie if I die for it. Gordon will pay my -fines. I wonder how the bishop is. This is the Spilsby road, is it? I -wonder whether Pen's at Spilsby? Will she be very cross with me? Oh, -that was a hen! I _do_ think hens shouldn't be allowed in a road." - -A dog stood in the middle of the way and barked. In the middle of his -second bark, the front wheel caught him. He ended his bark in the -ditch, and was very dreamy about the whole affair for some time -afterward. - -"That was a dog," said Bob. "I _do_ think dogs shouldn't be allowed in -a road." - -He missed a horse by a hairbreadth a mile farther on, and felt very -cross. He said horses shouldn't be allowed in a road. He said the same -of carts and of a carriage, of children and agricultural labourers. -They were so slow. For now Geordie was going pretty fast, and Bob had -to go on the fourth speed, which is highly illegal and wicked and very -dangerous. He had never enjoyed himself so much before, and he was -undoubtedly the happiest boy in the three kingdoms. - -"Geordie doesn't know I'm after him," he said. "I'll bet he's riding -along easy. That car of Pen's can go like lightning if he lets her out. -He will be mad when I come up." - -And suddenly he perceived down a long, white road that Geordie was going -more slowly. - -"This must be Spilsby," said Bob. He saw Geordie's dust go off at a -right angle toward the right. - -"I've done it," said the exultant boy. "We must be near Pen's now." - -For to turn to the right in the neighbourhood of Spilsby means to go -toward the North Sea. - -Bob ran into Spilsby quite meekly on the second speed, and turned after -Geordie. A mile farther on, Bob saw a house in some trees, and all of a -sudden there was no more dust from Geordie's car. Bob pulled up in the -middle of the road. - -"By Jove, I've done it, I know," said Bob, "and now I feel a bit -nervous. I wonder what Pen will say, and whether her husband is there, -and what the kid's like. Well, here's for it! She can't do more than -eat me." - -And he drove on till he came to the house, which was an ivy-covered -building like a square barrack, and would have been hideous without its -creepers. There was a moat around it and big elms hid it from a -distance. The gate was open, and by the front door stood Geordie and -his car. Bob gave a view-halloo, and, twisting through the gate, came -to a standstill alongside Pen's big yellow racer. - -And Penelope herself came to the door, and saw not only Geordie, whom -she recognized simply by the fact that he was in a car she knew, but an -undistinguishable stranger also. - -"Oh!" said Bob. - -"Eh?" said Geordie. - -"Who--" said Penelope. - -And Bob staggered out of his machine, and fairly reeled when he stood -upright. He had no notion that no one, not even Titania, could have -recognized him. He forgot his goggles, and he forgot he was so dusty -that one might have planted cabbages on his cheeks. He did not know -that he weighed several pounds more than usual, owing to the amount of -Lincolnshire that he carried on him. He had no idea that he was awful, -hideous, a goggled, dirty portent. He smiled, and the dirt cracked upon -him, and Penelope shrank back. - -"Oh, I say, Pen, are you mad with me?" he asked. - -And Penelope shrieked and ran to him, and, falling upon him, embraced -him with horrible results to her clothes. - -"Oh, Bob, Bob, is it you?" she cried. - -"It's me, right enough," said Bob. "I say, can I have a drink? I'm -dying! Am I dusty? Yes, so I am. Oh, Pen, it's come off on you! I -say, I do want a drink. It's such a warm day, and Geordie would go so -fast. I followed Geordie." - -Geordie looked horribly disgusted, but neither Pen nor Bob paid the -least attention to him. - -"Followed up by a boy," groaned Geordie, "and in that thing!" - -He regarded the mean fifteen-horse-power concern with great contempt. -"Well, I'm blessed!" - -"Oh, come in, Bob, dear Bob," said Pen. - -"Are you glad to see me?" - -"Oh, I've been dying to see you." - -"Upon your honour?" asked Bob. - -"Yes, yes," said Penelope. "I want to ask you so much, and I've got so -much to say. But tell me, tell me quick. Does any one else know where -I am?" - -Bob shook dust out of his head. - -"Not a soul, unless it's the bishop," he replied. - -"What bishop?" - -"The Bishop of Spilsborough," replied Bob. "I left him on the road." - -"Oh!" gasped Pen, "is he following you?" - -"Not much," said Bob. "He got scared and got out and wouldn't get in -again, and he talked such rot I thought he was mad, for a bishop, so I -left him, and suppose he's walking home again." - -Pen almost shook him. - -"But what was he doing with you?" - -"He wanted to come part of the way in my car, so I let him, and he was -awfully funky. I don't think much of bishops if they're all like him, -though he did stop Plant and Rivaulx fighting with swords in the -cathedral." - -"Fighting? with swords? Oh, what--" said Penelope. - -"To be sure, I forgot you very likely didn't know. I'll tell you by and -by. Bradstock's at Spilsborough. Where's my drink, Pen? I say, did -you hear of Mr. Bunting at Oxford? That was fun. He threw De Vere out -of the window, and knocked Carteret Williams down with Liddell and -Scott." - -"What Mr. Bunting?" - -"They thought he was Timothy Bunting, but he wasn't. I had tea with him -afterward. I'll tell you by and by. Do you know grandmother had fits -about it all?" - -Penelope knew nothing, or very little, and as the results of her fatal -conduct were thus revealed to her in dreadful incomplete chunks, her -heart almost failed her and she half-forgot her own terrible troubles. - -"Am I mad, or is Bob?" she asked. "Oh, the bishop and Guardy and duels -and fits and Mr. Bunting and windows and Liddell and Bob having tea!" - -She ran for a drink herself, and poured it over Bob in her eagerness for -more news. - -"I say, Pen, be careful! That went down my neck," said Bob, "and -outside it, too. I say, who've you married? Tell me. Where's the kid? -May I see it? I say, Pen, you look splendid, but sad somehow and rather -worried. I feel better now. I don't mind what went down outside. I'll -have a bath soon. Where's the kid? They _do_ talk a lot about it in -town. They say, some of 'em, that you've married the Rajah of Jugpore, -the little beast, and that the baby is black, or partly black. Is it? -I know it isn't." - -"Oh, oh!" said Pen, "how horrible of them!" - -She rushed at the bell, and when the servant came she commanded the -instant appearance of the baby and the nurse. - -"You know they said you married Timothy Bunting," said Bob. - -Penelope flushed crimson. - -"It was wicked of them." - -"That beast Weekes told granny you had. She said she knew it. That's -how I had tea with Mr. Bunting at Oxford, after he'd chucked Plant and -Gordon down-stairs. They were sick. Oh, oh! is this the kid?" - -Pen took the precious infant in her arms, and told the nurse she might -go and have tea. When she had disappeared, Pen burst into tears. - -"He's--he's all I've got," she said, sobbing. - -Bob started. - -"I say, what do you mean? You don't mean you aren't married at all?" - -"No, no," said Penelope. "I mean--oh, it's terrible! Oh, baby, I love -you!" - -She kissed the baby, who was certainly a very fine baby, and wept again. -Bob inspected the boy with great interest. - -"I say, I rather think it's like Plant," he said. - -Pen gasped. - -"But in this light, it's rather like Gordon." - -"Oh!" said Penelope. - -"And its forehead is like De Vere's a little. I say, won't you tell me -who you've married?" - -Penelope hugged the baby and howled. - -"I can't, I can't. We've q-quarrelled," she said, "and he's furious, -and I'm f-furious with him." - -"Why?" asked Bob, still inspecting the baby for signs of his male -parentage, "why? Oh, I say, sideways he reminds me of Williams and -Rivaulx, and upside down he's a little like Carew and Goby. But why have -you quarrelled, Pen?" - -Pen explained with tears how it had happened. - -"You see, I said he wasn't to tell," she said. "And he went to your -grandmother and told!" - -"So did all the rest," said Bob, "and that was where granny got very -confused. I listened. I know it was a sneak thing to do, but I was -thinking of your interests, and she said to the last of 'em: 'I know -you've come to say you've married dear Penelope.' It was very pathetic, -Pen. I never thought granny could be pathetic before. She usually -makes me pathetic instead, or she used to. But was he one of 'em?" - -"He was," sniffed Pen, "and he broke his solemn oath. The others were -noble. I sent them telegrams to say they were noble." - -"That's why they all went to Spilsborough, where you sent the telegrams -from," said Bob, "and that's why Plant and Rivaulx fought with swords -under the cathedral, till the bishop and the dean stopped them. I tell -you the dean _was_ mad." - -"Oh, dear, dear!" said Penelope. "I wish they wouldn't. Did they hurt -each other?" - -"Not much, I think," replied Bob. "I didn't see any blood. But when I -told 'em you'd married Timothy Bunting, Rivaulx lay on the grass and -tried to bite it and howled dreadfully." - -"Poor marquis!" said Pen. "But why did you tell them so dreadful a -story?" - -Bob shook his head. - -"I'm sorry, Pen, but I believed it. Weekes said she _knew_, and granny -had fits. There's something about fits that makes you believe almost -anything. But you haven't told me who it is. I say, with the light -sideways on that baby, he reminds me of Bramber. But who is it?" - -"We've p-parted," said Penelope. "He came and said he'd told, and I was -very f-furious, and we had a r-row. And he was so cross and mad, -because without me he couldn't prove it. For we were married in other -names, and I wrote my name in another handwriting, and I said I would -deny it. And he flew into a passion and into a motor-car and went away. -And I've only my p-pride and b-baby left. And I'm so sorry for every -one. And how did you find me?" - -Bob told her how he had done it, and told her of Bradstock's -advertisement, and told her about the bishop, and more about Mr. Bunting -of All Saints, Oxford, who was the strongest man he had ever seen. -Carteret Williams was nothing in his hands. - -"And now I've told you everything, won't you tell me who it is?" - -"No," said poor Penelope; "it would humiliate me to tell now, and I -won't." - -"But they must know here," said Bob. - -"Only three," replied Penelope. "Miss Mackarness and Geordie Smith and -Timothy. And Timothy was so unhappy when he heard he had married me -that I sent him away to Upwell, where there are more horses. But he's -back now. And Miss Mackarness and Geordie Smith have sworn not to tell. -And I expect you not to ask them." - -Bob snorted a little at this. - -"Oh, all right, but I shall have to say where you are when I go back to -Spilsborough." - -"Oh, you won't," said Pen. - -"I must," said Bob. "Bradstock is terribly worried about it now, and -thinks you've treated him badly, and the bishop is very curious, and he -asks questions in a way that it's difficult not to answer somehow. And -besides there's granny and all the rest. I say, do you know Gordon has -been speculating for me, and has made seventy thousand pounds for me?" - -"You don't say so?" cried Pen. - -"I think it must be Gordon," said Bob. "When the shadow's on that kid, -he looks rather like Gordon, if you can think of Gordon as a baby, which -is hard. But when I'm a duke, I shall rebuild Goring and pay off some -of the mortgages. Whoever you've married, I'm very grateful to you, -Pen, about Gordon and De Vere. De Vere bought the spotted dog I told -you of. I found Goby weeping with Ethel. That made me think it wasn't -him. But now you say you've quarrelled with him, I'm not sure again. I -say, I'm very sleepy. May I stay to-night?" - -"Of course," said Penelope. And then a brilliant idea struck her. - -"Bob, you do love me, don't you?" - -"What rot! of course," said Bob. - -"Then stay here altogether for a time," said Pen. - -"By Jove, what fun!" cried Bob. "I'll send 'em a wire, and I will. Can -Geordie go somewhere else but Spilsborough and send one?" - -"Certainly," said Penelope. And it was arranged that Geordie should go -to Lincoln to send it from there. This is the telegram Bob sent to Lord -Bradstock: - -"I have found Penelope. She won't say who it is because she has -quarrelled with him, and she won't let me come back yet. I will take -care of her. Tell grandmother and Guthrie. She quarrelled with him -because he said he was married to her. But the baby is not black." - -And Bradstock swore. The bishop was too tired to swear, perhaps, but he -was very cross. So were all the others, including her husband. - - - - - *CHAPTER XXII.* - - -They had relied greatly upon Bob. The bishop, though rather bitter on -the subject of Bob, tried to be fair to him, and said he was a very -promising boy. - -"I think it most remarkable," said his lordship, when his fine but tired -legs were beneath the mahogany once more, "that he should be able to -drive these dreadful machines with such skill. He missed a great many -things that he might have hit, but, as he said, he 'boosted' one dog -over a hedge in a most skilful way. He said 'boosted,' a very peculiar -word. I must write to Doctor Murray about it. But I do not think he -has been brought up with care. He was not altogether respectful to me, -Bradstock." - -"I much regret it," said Bradstock, "but what can you expect at Goring? -On the whole, his manners are not so bad. Perhaps you annoyed him. He -does not like being annoyed." - -"Indeed," said the bishop, "indeed! Well, I may have worried him in a -way that I do not quite understand. But I have to own that for a boy to -put his hand on my shoulder and say, 'Sit down, bishop,' in a most -authoritative way, made me a little cross. And when I refused to enter -the motorcar again, I think he might have given me more time to reflect -on the fact that I was a very long way from anywhere. He was very short -and peremptory with me. It was most curious, and I regret I did not go -on with him, for I am extremely anxious to put an end to this scandal. -One never knows what will happen. The duel in the moonlight under the -cathedral was most remarkable. I wonder when Bob will return." - -"So do I," said Bradstock, drily. - -"Why do you say so in that tone?" asked the bishop. - -"Because I doubt whether he will return at all if he finds Penelope," -replied Bradstock. - -"Good heavens!" cried the bishop, "but he went for the very purpose of -discovering her." - -"You don't know Pen," said Bradstock, "and he worships her. If she -doesn't want to be discovered, she will keep him. I am certain of it." - -This showed that Bradstock, though a silent peer, was a very sensible -one. The bishop frowned and smote the table. - -"I shall be extremely angry with Bob if you turn out to be right," he -said, firmly. "I shall be extremely angry with him." - -"Much he will care about that," said Bradstock. "You ought to have gone -on with him." - -"I believe I ought to have done so. Yes, you are right, Bradstock; it -was an error of judgment. I was a coward. I was afraid to die. I did -not like the idea of being 'boosted' over a hedge. I am ashamed of -myself." - -"Never mind," said Bradstock, consolingly, "I have seen heroes quail in -a motor-car. I myself have quailed in one." - -The bishop shook his head. - -"Nevertheless, I blame myself. I ought not to have been afraid, even -though I felt peculiar and unwonted sensations in my gaiters," he -murmured. - -He smote the table again. - -"I will make amends, Bradstock. I will devote myself to the task of -finding Penelope at any speed that is necessary. I cannot quite -reconcile myself to the notion that I am a coward. I will find her if -Bob deceives us." - -"You can't," said Bradstock, rather gloomily. - -"I can, I will," said the bishop. "I will use my brains." - -It was a happy thought. The bishop mused. There was a knock at the -outer door. It was a double, a telegraphic knock. - -"From the duchess?" asked the bishop. - -"From Bob, or I am a bishop," said the peer. - -And Ridley gave him a telegram. Bradstock read it slowly, lifted his -eyebrows, rubbed his handsome white head, and handed it to the bishop. - -"From Bob, bishop, a very remarkable Bobbish document." - -The bishop read it. - -"It certainly is a remarkable document, a very remarkable document, -indeed," said his lordship. "I see it was handed in at Lincoln. She -won't say who it is because she has quarrelled with him. With her -husband, that is to say. She will not let Bob come back. She -quarrelled with _him_ because he said he was married to _her_. Very -remarkable! Somewhat confusing. But it is a relief to hear that the -baby is not black, Bradstock." - -Bradstock was pessimistic. - -"It may be half-black," he said, mournfully. - -"Which half?" asked the bishop, with alarm. "If it is, I hope it will -not be the top half." - -"Absurd!" said Bradstock. "I mean it may be dun or yellowish." - -"Let us trust not," replied the bishop. "I am inclined to think Bob -would have said it was not very black if it had been at all coloured. I -think we may dismiss the Jugpore legend." - -"I trust we may," said Bradstock. - -"I have an idea," said the bishop, "I have a luminous idea. Let us go -to the library." - -They adjourned to the library, and Bradstock lighted a cigar. - -"What is your idea?" he asked. - -"I will tell you in a few minutes," said the bishop, as he laid a big -atlas upon his table. Bradstock watched him curiously. The bishop -opened the atlas and laid a flat ruler on it. He shifted it once or -twice, nodded his head, said "Ah!" and nodded it again. - -"I believe I have it," said the bishop. "It will be worth trying, at -any rate." - -"What is it?" asked Bradstock. - -"Come and look at the atlas," said the bishop, and Bradstock did as he -was asked. - -The bishop put his finger-tips together and began: - -"Bob was following this person named Smith, and went north, did he not? -Let us say north. I believe it is technically north by east. He put me -out, or, to be fair even to Bob, I got out and was asked to return very -casually, north of Spalding in the Boston road, miles from anywhere. -This Smith was going back to Penelope. For while Bob and I were away, -you got her telegram dated Spilsborough, sent to London and -re-telegraphed to you here, saying that she was well, in reply to your -_Times_ advertisement. Obviously, Penelope lives somewhere north of the -spot where Bob left me without time for argument. Do you follow me?" - -"Certainly," said Bradstock. "It is all as clear as quaternions." - -"Now we get this very remarkable document from Lincoln." - -"We do, bishop." - -"It is obvious she doesn't live at Lincoln. She has sent this very fast -Smith there to send off Bob's telegram. Is that not so?" - -"Of course," said Bradstock. - -"Let us imagine that Lincoln is nearly as far from where she is as -Spilsborough is." - -"Let us imagine it," said Bradstock. "I am willing to imagine it." - -"What conclusion do you draw?" asked the bishop. - -Bradstock shook his head. - -"Really, Bradstock," said the bishop, "I am surprised at you. If she is -between Spalding and Lough, as I'm sure she is, an equal distance from -her to Lincoln and from her to Spilsborough would place her about -Boston, or perhaps farther north. Now, if on inquiry we find she is not -near Boston, she must be near a decent road fit for motor-cars to -Lincoln. Do you follow me?" - -"I do," said Bradstock. - -"Then if she is not near Boston, where is she?" Bradstock studied the -map. - -"I should say Burgh, or Warnfleet, or Spilsby." - -"Right," said the bishop. "I am almost sure of it. For if she had been -farther north, she would not have chosen Spilsborough to telegraph from -in the first instance. What do you say to that?" - -"I say that I am not surprised that you are a bishop, though I may -wonder why you are in the Church," said Bradstock. - -"What do you mean by that, Bradstock?" asked his lordship. - -"Nothing, nothing at all," replied Bradstock, hastily. "I agree with -you. What shall we do?" - -The bishop eyed him a little doubtfully, but returned to his muttons. - -"I want to bowl out Bob," he said. - -"A bishop is a human being, after all," thought Bradstock. - -"He might have reasoned with me," said the bishop. "I am quite free the -day after to-morrow, and we will go to Boston and make inquiries. If -they fail, we will try Warnfleet and Spilsby and Burgh." - -"We will," said Bradstock. "I think this idea of yours exceedingly -clever, bishop." - -"You do?" - -"Certain, I do." - -"I forgive your recent gibe," said the bishop. "It was clearer than -quaternions to me, and much clearer than Bob's rudeness, which I -continue to find inexplicable. And now I think the duchess should be -informed of his telegram. It will console her, I am sure, to learn that -this fatherless infant is not black." - -"Not very black," insisted Bradstock. - -And the bishop sent a wire to Titania, saying that Bob had disappeared -into space, but had telegraphed saying that he had found Penelope with a -normal infant. - -"After all, he only said it wasn't black," sighed Bradstock. - -But the bishop would not listen to him. So he went out and sent a wire -to Titania himself. - -"I should like to make Bob black and blue," the bishop said. For his -legs still ached. - - - - - *CHAPTER XXIII.* - - -Next morning the bishop had an hysteric telegram from Titania. It was -obscure and of great length: - -"Do not understand anything, but have hopes. Your telegram arrived -before Augustin's. You say normal; he says Robert's words do not convey -anything but negation of extreme blackness. Jugpore going back to India, -owing to scandalous conduct at music-hall. India Office furious. -Secretary of State in bed. Rumour now affirms infant not Penelope's. -Says adopted. Have just seen Plant and Gordon and Carteret Williams, -and expect the others. They say they knew it all the time. Say they -gave her the infant. Am confused, but hope you and Augustin will clear -up details and find Penelope. Am exceedingly vexed with Robert. De Vere -has just come, weeps, but seems pleased. Bramber wires wishes to see me, -but father is ill at Pulborough, doctors (three) giving up hope. Goby -just left. Will come to Spilsborough myself to-day if doctor permits, -owing to palpitations. Keep me informed." - -"Dear me!" said the bishop, "this seems quite a new development, a very -surprising one. But I am sorry to see, Bradstock, that you sent another -telegram without consulting me." - -"I didn't want you to give her too much hope," replied Bradstock. "You -were so certain. Your telegram was not logical. What is not black is -not necessarily white, for not-black may be green, or blue, or magenta." - -"You are a pessimist," said the bishop. "However, I forgive you. What -surprises me is this adoption story. I don't believe it." - -Bradstock was fractious. - -"Well, I don't know, bishop. She always said if she had none of her own -she would adopt one." - -"Nonsense!" said the bishop. - -"It is not nonsense," said Bradstock. - -"Why don't you say they are twins?" demanded the bishop. - -"What are twins?" - -"It," said the bishop. "Really, Bradstock, don't you see you are -unreasonable? You will believe anything." - -"And this from a bishop," murmured Bradstock. "Why should I say it was -twins?" - -"If she adopted one, she might adopt two," said the bishop. - -"That is ridiculous. I never heard of twins being adopted," cried -Bradstock. "Besides, Bob says 'the baby.'" - -"Well, well," said the bishop, "do not let us argue passionately about a -detail." - -"I do not see that twins can be called a detail," said Bradstock, -crossly. - -"Very well, call them what you like," said the bishop, hastily. "But I -expect the duchess will be here any moment." - -Bradstock said he shouldn't wonder if she was. - -"She will insist on coming with us to-morrow," he said. - -The bishop started. - -"Bradstock, we will go to-day. I will put off my business and go at -once. The duchess is a remarkable woman, but she talks too much." - -And such was his lordship's energy that they started by train for Boston -in less than half an hour. - -"I rather enjoy this," said the bishop. "This is an unusual event in a -life like mine, Bradstock. I wonder whether we shall succeed, and I -wonder what the young rascal will say when he sees me. He will be rather -abashed, I fancy." - -"Do you fancy that?" asked Bradstock. "Is imagination necessary, by the -way, for the clerical or episcopal life?" - -"It is highly necessary, but rare," said the bishop. - -"So I should imagine," said Bradstock. - -"What do you mean by that?" asked the bishop, a little warmly. - -Bradstock said he meant nothing by it, except that he was glad it was -necessary. Nevertheless, the bishop looked at him sternly for some -minutes, and he felt rather uncomfortable. - -"I should not be surprised if Titania was now at the palace," he said, -to change the conversation. - -"Ridley and my housekeeper must deal with her," said the bishop. -"Ridley deals with every one calmly. Kings and curates come equally and -easily within his powers. Ridley may most distinctly be called an -adequate butler. He will offer her my best spare bedroom, or arrange -for her sojourn at the Grand. I do not believe an archbishop in a fit -would throw Ridley off his balance. I rather wondered whether it would -disturb him to see me come in with two duelling-swords under my arm upon -that memorable occasion of the duel, but Ridley was as calm as--as an -adequate butler. I rejoice in Ridley. If we fail to-day, I think I will -ask his advice. He is a sound and solid thinker. I hardly think I -should have been a bishop to-day, but for Ridley. When I was a vicar of -St. Mary's at Ray Pogis, he came to me, then deeply engaged in smashing -Harnack into dust, and said: 'Sir, the Prime Minister is staying at -Pogis House.' I knew if he was at Pogis House, he would attend New -Pogis church. The incumbent at New Pogis was one of those men whom it -would require much courage to make an archdeacon of, and he was under -great obligations to me. I spoke to him. He fell ill most opportunely. -I preached a sermon which had every appearance of spontaneity, though I -had spent months upon it, keeping it by me for some such occasion, as it -dealt with the duties of men in high position, and three months later I -was offered Spilsborough. But for Ridley, I might still be a vicar. -This, I believe, Bradstock, is Boston." - -They left the train and began to make inquiries just about the time that -Ridley was dealing with the duchess. He knew all about her, all about -the duke, all about Penelope, all about Bradstock, and all about the -"horde." He had read all the telegrams, those which were sent and those -which he had picked out of the bishop's waste-paper basket. - -"Yes, your Grace," said Ridley, "his lordship the bishop was called away -early with Lord Bradstock on important business. He wrote a letter -which his lordship has probably taken away in his pocket, and desired me -to ask your Grace whether you would prefer to stay here or at the Grand. -The Grand is comfortable, but this is quiet." - -"I will stay here," said the duchess. "I should like to lie down at -once." - -And when she was comfortable, Ridley cross-examined her maid about -everything, and was soon on firm ground. - -"You may rely on his lordship," said Ridley. "With me at his back, he -will be an archbishop yet. No, certainly not. The baby is not black if -his lordship says so." - -"But they do say she's not married and it isn't hers," said the lady's -maid, shaking her head. "They say now that she has adopted it." - -"When I hear of young ladies adopting infants in obscure parts of the -country, I know what to think," said Ridley. - -"Lord, Mr. Ridley, but I can't believe it of her," urged the maid. - -"I am alleging nothing against her young ladyship," said Ridley. "She -states it is hers. I said that if she stated that she had adopted it, I -should know what to think. When she states it, I will tell you what I -think. And in the meantime I may say that I expect every one connected -with this unseemly business to be here shortly. I am a man of some -discernment. This adoption rumour will encourage these poor gentlemen, -who are all mad, and they will follow her Grace here, or I am a mere -footman in a poor family and my name's not Ridley." - -It apparently was Ridley, for there was a very loud knock at the door. - -"Mr. Ridley, will you see this gentleman?" said the footman, handing the -butler a card, on which was engraved the name of Leopold Norfolk Gordon. -"He seems very excited. I think he's a Jew." - -"A Jew!" said Ridley. - -"By the looks of 'im a Jew," said the footman. And her Grace's maid gave -them a few details of Mr. Gordon's career. - -"Oh, yes, of course," said Ridley. "I remember. Let him wait, Johnson. -He can wait in the little room. As a Christian, I confess to feeling -bitter against Jews, especially as I once borrowed money from one." - -"This is a very nice one, though," said the lady's maid, "and Mr. Robert -is quite fond of him." - -"I cannot stomach the idea," said Ridley. "I thought better of the boy. -But I suppose I must see what he wants, though I can guess." - -He interviewed Gordon in the little room. - -"I want to see his lordship the bishop," said Gordon. - -"His lordship the bishop is absent on important business, sir," said -Ridley. He added to himself, "As the butler of a Christian bishop, I -object to calling him 'sir;' but as a butler in the habstract I must." - -"Where has he gone?" asked Gordon. "Do you know?" - -"He has gone to look for her young ladyship, sir." - -"Ah! I guessed it! With Lord Bradstock?" - -"Yes, sir, with his lordship." - -"Which way has he gone?" - -"I don't think, sir, that I should be justified in mentioning which way, -sir," said Ridley. - -"Oh, yes, you would," said Gordon. He put his hand in his pocket. - -"I do not think so, sir. At least, I have doubts," said Ridley, with -modified firmness. - -Gordon took out a sovereign and scratched his nose with it. - -"Which way?" - -"Boston way," said Ridley. "Thank you, sir. But I do not think you can -find him or catch him. Could I assist you in any manner, sir? Things -are mixed, sir. Have you heard the news that Mr. Robert sent?" - -"What news?" asked Gordon. - -"I 'ardly think I should be justified in repeating it, sir," said -Ridley. - -"Oh, yes, you would," said Gordon, as he put his hand in his pocket. - -And Ridley told him all about everything. Gordon knew very little beyond -the fact that Bob had sent a telegram to Bradstock, who had sent it to -the duchess, who had published it on the wires that the infant was not -black. And of course he knew the fresh London rumour that Penelope had -adopted it. - -"Her Grace the Duchess of Goring is now in the palace, sir," said -Ridley. "And between you and me, sir, I should not be surprised if all -the other gentlemen came. I suppose you heard of the duel, sir?" - -"What duel?" asked Gordon. - -"I do not think I should be justified in saying which duel, sir," said -Ridley. - -"Oh, yes, you would," said Gordon, thinking that a Christian butler was -a very expensive person to deal with. And Ridley told him. - -"You'll send me word to the Grand when his lordship comes back?" said -Gordon. - -"I should hardly be--" - -"Of course, you would be," said Gordon. - -"Very well, I will, sir," said Ridley. - -Gordon went back to the hotel, and Ridley went back to the others. - -"He's not at all bad for a Jew," he said, contemplatively, "not at all -bad. I only hope that the Christian gentlemen whom I expect every -moment will be as reasonable." - -Before the evening was over, he interviewed with varying results Mr. -Rufus Q. Plant, Mr. de Vere, Captain Goby, and Mr. Carteret Williams. -He knew that Lord Bramber couldn't come on account of the illness of the -earl, and he heard that Carew was down with influenza and delirious on -the subject of Penelope. He told the others what he thought of them -all. - -"Mr. Plant is a man I should like to meet often," said Ridley. "I have -heard people say unpleasant things of Americans. It may be true that -they know little of cathedrals. I myself have heard an American speak -of our best Norman harches as vurry elegant Gothic. I have known one -voluble with hadmiration of a beastly bit of late perpendic'lar. But a -man may know little of harchitecture and be a very worthy person for all -that. This Mr. Plant has ways that I've heard described as befitting a -nobleman. My own opinion is that very few noblemen have ideas befitting -an American millionaire. Dukes are often mean; earls also. I am -acquainted with one viscount who is viciously careful. Mr. Plant is a -gentleman far above the others, even above Captain Goby, who has a -generous mind. Mr. Williams is peculiar, but, for a poor man, not mean. -His second cousin, Lord Carteret, when I knew him, was as fine an -open-handed, swearing nobleman as one would wish to meet. Mr. Austin de -Vere is peculiar; mad, I think, about dogs especially. Young Mr. Robert -told me he collected bulldogs. He said it with a wink which I did not -understand. I wonder where his lordship is now." - -His lordship the bishop and Lord Bradstock were both cross. They had -drawn Boston blank, and found it too late and too hot to go on to -Spilsby and Waynfleet and Burgh. - -"Well," said the bishop, "we have proved a certain amount. She isn't at -Boston." - -"Nor at Windsor or Manchester or Bristol or Plymouth," said Bradstock, -whose temper was rapidly going. - -"I am surprised at you," said the bishop, who felt it necessary not to -be cross when Bradstock was. "We have also proved that a yellow car -comes through here very often, mostly without disastrous results. She -is farther north. We will go to Spilsby to-morrow, I think." - -"I think I will stay at home," replied Bradstock, "or at your place, and -I'll read theology." - -The bishop raised his eyebrows. - -"It will do you good, if you can understand it," he said, a little -tartly. - -"I do not expect to understand it," said Bradstock. - -"Then why read it?" - -"Only to see if the theologians understand it," replied Bradstock. - -It was quite evident that events were proving too much for Bradstock. -It was also evident that Bradstock was proving too much for the bishop. - -"As a layman, you had better stick to Paley," said the bishop, tartly. -"But let us return to Spilsborough. I own my temper is a little touchy -to-day, Bradstock." - -Bradstock's heart softened. - -"Bishop, I apologize for touching it," he said. "Penelope is rather too -much for me." - -"She is too much for all of us, I fear," said the bishop. - -They took the train for home, and, as they moved out of the station, a -man in the waterproof clothing of a chauffeur came on the platform. He -was not wearing goggles. - -"Bishop," said Bradstock, "that man is Geordie Smith." - -"Do you think he saw us?" - -"How do I know?" - -"I didn't ask how you could know. I only asked what your opinion was," -said the bishop. - -"My opinion is worthless," said Bradstock. - -"Dear me!" said the bishop, blandly. - - - - - *CHAPTER XXIV.* - - -England was excited, and London was more excited still. But -Spilsborough was the most excited of them all. How it came out, no one -knew, but the fact that the bishop was hunting for Lady Penelope -Brading, who was married, who was unmarried, who had an infant which was -black, which was white, which was adopted, was blazed all over that -quiet episcopal town. Dean Briggs was very much annoyed, for the -cathedral was no longer the centre of interest in the place. The clergy -and the choir and the beadles and the tradesmen all discussed Lady -Penelope. They stood in knots and fought and wrangled and argued till -they were metaphorically black in the face. The lovers were pursued by -gangs of boys who knew their names, and expected them to fight when they -met, and followed them around in the hope of making a ring for them. -All the world was aware that the duchess was at the palace. As a -result, every one called there who was on terms with the bishop. It is -not at all surprising that rumour ran fast, east and west and south and -north. It is not every day that a quiet cathedral town is the centre of -a vast social cyclone. Boston and Spalding had their eyes on -Spilsborough. Boston knew that the bishop had made an unepiscopal -visitation there with a white-haired peer. Spilsby heard of it, and was -jealous. Spilsby talked of it and began to wonder who the young married -lady at the Moat House was. Spilsby wondered slowly. In Lincolnshire -things move slowly. Lincolnshire is not fast. Folks there are rooted -to the soil; they consider matters firmly and stolidly. And of course -it has to be remembered that they belong to the see of Lincoln and do -not think very much of Spilsborough. Spilsborough was all very well, no -doubt, but Lincoln was older and finer and much more wonderful. -Nevertheless, though the Lincolnshire folks are slow, they get there at -last. It was all very well for Penelope to call herself Mrs. Bramwell. -The Spilsby people began to see through the matter. In another month -they would have solved the problem, and would have given away the -solution by calling Mrs. Bramwell "Your ladyship." But this was not to -be, for when Geordie came back from Boston, he went to Bob at once. - -"Mr. Robert, the gaff is pretty nigh blowed," he said, earnestly. - -"Is it?" asked Bob. - -"Safe as houses," said Geordie. "I've my suspicions that the whole show -is up the spout, or very nigh up!" - -"You don't say so?" said Bob. - -"Blimy, but I do say it," replied Geordie. "I saw that gaitered josser, -the bishop, at Boston this very afternoon. Her ladyship will be spoofed -and smelt out. Some one is givin' the game away. I don't trust that -bishop." - -"No more do I," said Bob. "He's very mean, Geordie. He encouraged me -to follow you so that I could tell them where my cousin was." - -"Bah!" said Geordie, "and they call him a bishop! Her ladyship wishes -not to be found out, and she sha'n't be--by a bishop. I own I don't -understand her ladyship's idea." - -"I do," said Bob. "Suppose some one said you couldn't do something, -Geordie, a hundred miles an hour for instance." - -Geordie shook his head. - -"I'd show 'em!" - -"And that you wouldn't after you said you would." - -"I'd show 'em," repeated Geordie. - -"And that you shouldn't?" - -"Shouldn't be damned, beggin' your pardon, Mr. Robert. I'd show 'em!" - -"That's my cousin's idea," said Bob. - -"And a dashed good idea, too," said Geordie. "I hate interferin' folks -worse than policemen. I'd tell her ladyship about this here bishop. And -Lord Bradstock was with him, sir." - -"The devil!" said Bob, and he ran to Penelope bawling. - -"I say, Pen, you'll have to go," he roared, bursting into the room where -Pen was lamenting over her many griefs. "The bishop is after you. -Geordie's seen him and Bradstock, too. And I feel quite certain that -all of 'em will be at Spilsborough now." - -"I won't go," sniffed Pen. - -"Oh, but you must," said Bob. "You can't be caught here now by the -whole lot." - -"I don't seem to care," said Penelope. - -"Oh, what rot!" cried Bob. "You won't break down now, Pen, just in the -middle of the game. I mean in the middle of your idea. Just think how -they'll crow over you and the baby." - -That roused Penelope. - -"They--they sha'n't!" - -"Well, they will, unless you've got the one you are married to here," -said Bob. "Or are you going to tell me who it is?" - -Pen snuffled sadly. - -"How can I when we've q-quarrelled?" she demanded. - -"Then we'll start at once," said Bob. "I'll tell Miss Mackarness and -Tim and all of 'em, and we'll get your car and mine and we'll go -somewhere else." - -"But where?" asked Pen. - -"What rot!" said Bob. "You've got heaps of houses; any of 'em that are -deserted. Upwell Castle will do." - -"So it will," said Penelope, helplessly. "But we can't go to-day, Bob. -Baby is always asleep at this hour. Can't it be to-morrow?" - -Bob shook his head. - -"It's very dangerous, with the bishop on our track," he said; "it's very -dangerous. He's very determined, except in motor-cars. In motor-cars, -going fast, he's not at all determined. But out of 'em he's a terror. -I'd go to-day." - -"No, no, to-morrow," said Penelope, weeping. - -And Bob went away. - -"I wish Baker was here," he said. "Baker is quite as determined as the -bishop, and his advice would be very valuable. I wish I knew how to -treat Gordon. I'm afraid he'll be angry. If he's angry, he may keep my -money. Well, I don't care." - -He told Miss Mackarness to pack up, and Miss Mackarness said she would. -Miss Mackarness remarked that the world was not what she had imagined it -when she was young. It had in fact come to an end. She said she was -not surprised at anything and never would be again. She said she had -never been in a motor-car, but wanted to be in one, because death seemed -quick and easy in a motor-car. She also said that if she escaped, and -Lady Penelope was killed, she knew of a good opening in a lunatic asylum -for a woman without nerves, who could not be surprised, and had been -accustomed to the ways of the highest society. - -"Oh, yes, yes; we'll be ready," said Miss Mackarness. And Bob went away -to instruct Geordie and Timothy Bunting, and he spent the whole -afternoon, covered with dirty oil, dancing about the two motor-cars, -while Geordie put them into first-class trim. - -"We ain't going to be run to ground by a bishop," said Bob. - -"Not much we ain't, sir," said Tim. "I'd sooner go in one of these -machines, so I would." - -It was the first time he had ever said as much, and Geordie paid him a -compliment from under the car. - -"That's the first sensible remark I've ever heard you make, Tim," said -the concealed chauffeur. - -"Thank you," said Timothy. "I always said you were a good chap, -Geordie, even if you was wrapped up in muck and grease." And an idea -came to Bob. - -"I know what I'll do about Gordon," he said. "I'll write something about -this now so's to show it him afterward." - -He wrote: - -"Pen is very sad. I fear she has quarrelled with Gordon. I'm sure she -has married Gordon. I wish she would let me send to him to come, but -she has sworn me not to. I think the baby is very like Gordon. It is -clever like him, only, being younger, not so clever. I don't mind if it -is Gordon. Gordon has been very kind to me, knowing how poor the family -is. I wish I was as clever as he is." - -He read it over carefully. - -"He's more jealous of Rivaulx than any one. I'll put something in about -him." - -He added: - -"I think Rivaulx an ass because of balloons." - -"That will please Gordon," said Bob, as he stowed his note-book away. -"But I do wish I knew who it is. Women are very fond of secrets. They -seem to like babies and secrets best. Pen likes both together, and it's -very confusing to any one." - -They started next morning in the two cars for Upwell Castle, taking the -whole household. Bob installed an old villager and his wife as -caretakers. He had selected them himself on the ground that they seemed -the stupidest people in the village. Bob was very clever, if not so -clever as Gordon. - -"I think we've spoofed 'em, Pen," said Bob. - -Penelope hugged her baby and wept. - -"Why are you crying?" asked Bob. - -"I don't know," said Penelope. - -"Then don't," said Bob. "It makes me very uncomfortable." - -They devoured space, and Timothy held on to the car and to Miss -Mackarness. Miss Mackarness said it altered her ideas. Tim said it -didn't, but then he was very conservative. - -"Now, let 'em all come," said Bob. - - - - - *CHAPTER XXV.* - - -Titania fell on Bradstock's neck when he came back with the bishop. She -very nearly fell on the bishop's neck, too, which alarmed him very much -indeed, though he had all that confidence with women which marks the -celibate clergy, especially when they are beautiful. - -"My dear-r Augustin," said Titania, "I came at once. I felt I had to. -I felt I must. There is no sympathy at home for me in my troubles. The -duke laughs, laughs in my face, and says Penelope is damn fine sport!" - -"Tut, tut!" said the bishop, who was loath to think that dukes could use -bad language. "I very much regret to hear it." - -Titania waved her hands at large. - -"But I do not care. I am wrapped up in woe, and in Robert. Where is -he? Show me the telegram he sent." - -They showed her the telegram. - -"Not black! Oh, Augustin, that might mean anything." - -"So it might. What did I say, bishop?" asked Augustin. - -"Nonsense!" said the bishop. "I do not believe it is even dark. This -is all waste of time. Time cannot now be wasted. This scandal grows. -Ridley tells me all these unfortunate gentlemen, but Lord Bramber and -Mr. Carew, are in the town. I have had telegrams from both of those -asking for information, most excited telegrams. Mr. Carew says he is -delirious with fever, and I believe him. Lord Bramber says his father -is delirious, which I much regret. I think the son is also delirious, -though he does not say he is. He implores me to remember that he is -entitled to know first where Penelope is, as he is her husband. This is -the telegram." - -Augustin and Titania read it. - -"If we could only believe it," said Titania. - -"We cannot," said the bishop. "Ridley declares they all say the same. -They also say the infant is an adopted one. I do not remember, in the -course of all that wide experience which comes to a country clergyman in -a place like Ray Pogis, any situation equal to this. As a bishop with a -wider experience, I have seen nothing so absurd even in the conduct of -my clergy, who are indeed hard to beat in stupidity. I regret we did -not go on to Waynfleet and Spilsby, Bradstock." - -"So do I," said Bradstock, eyeing Titania. - -"We will go to-morrow," said the bishop. "I have an intuition that -to-morrow we shall find her. I feel sure of it." - -"I will come with you," said Titania. "I must! I must! I cannot help -fearing, Augustin, that the very worst may have happened. I have now no -confidence whatever in dear, misguided Penelope's morals. I do not feel -sure that the child is not black, or that it is adopted!" - -"Good heavens!" said Augustin. - -"Good heavens!" echoed the bishop. - -"I haven't," affirmed Titania, dreadfully. "No such thing has happened -in our family since the time of Charles the Second, which was lamentable -but natural, and has long since been forgiven. I mistrust the general -attitude of all these men, bishop. I mistrust it!" - -"Certainly they seem in great distress," said the bishop. - -Titania rose and looked awful. - -"Only upon one supposition can I account for it, bishop. This is their -remorse. They are remorseful. They have treated her badly, and she has -fled from them in her shame and will not see them!" - -"Ha!" said the bishop, "there is something in that!" - -"A great deal in it," boomed Titania, in her deepest tone of tragedy. -"It explains everything." - -But Bradstock said: - -"Infernal nonsense, Titania! Bishop, I am surprised at you. They can't -_all_ be remorseful." - -"Why not?" demanded Titania; "why not, Augustin?" - -"Of course not," interjected the bishop, hastily. - -"Why not, I ask?" repeated the duchess. - -"Oh, well, you know," said Bradstock, "when you come to think of it, -wouldn't _one_ be enough to be remorseful for having behaved like a -scoundrel?" - -The duchess collapsed. - -"Dear me! so it would," she said, weakly. "Now I come to think of it, -one would be sufficient. Nothing is explained or can be explained till -we find Penelope." - -The same feeling of desperation inspired the lovers in the various -hotels. Their hopeless passion grew upon them. The sense of mystery -deepened. They were sorry for Penelope, for the others, for themselves. -What did she mean by it? They were all agreed now about the adoption -theory, though they stuck to it manfully that they were married to her. -Each one believed the infant was adopted, while he nobly claimed it as -his own. They were really noble creatures, and showed themselves worthy -of a better fate. A peculiar feeling of sympathy grew up among them, as -it does among the unfortunate who are yet strong enough not to be -overwhelmed. They spoke to each other again. Goby took De Vere's arm -and walked about with him. - -"I wish I could tell you all the truth, old chap," sighed Goby. - -"Ah, so do I," said the poet. "A great passion is a wonderful thing, -Goby." - -"So it is, old chap," said Goby. "Do you remember the happy days we -spent in your home when we read Browning and Shelley together, and you -explained your poems to me?" - -Austin de Vere sighed. - -"Ah, they were happy days, when my nose peeled on the water and my hands -were blistered by rowing." - -"Do you remember the bulldog?" asked Goby. - -"Ah, and the terrier he bit!" - -"And the howling retriever?" - -"And the bald, bronchitic Borzois," said De Vere, with enthusiasm. "I -bought them all of Bob because she loved him." - -"I didn't like you then, Austin, old chap," said Goby. - -Austin gripped his arm. - -"Plantagenet, we will be friends always. Now I can confess that I -loathed you. I told Bradstock so. I said you were an ass." - -"So I am," said poor Goby. "I admit now I can't understand Browning." - -Austin looked about him: - -"My dear chap, no more do I," he said, in an alarmed whisper. "He's a -much overrated man." - -"I never overrated him myself," said Goby, sagely. "Look here, Austin. -You know, of course, that I'm married to Penelope?" - -"Of course," said Austin. "And you know that I am?" - -"We'll quarrel about nothing now. To-morrow we'll look for her. -Ridley, the bishop's butler, told me Bradstock and the bishop were going -to Spilsby to-morrow. I gave him a sovereign." - -"So did I," said Austin. "Let's go in to dinner. I'm glad we are -friends, Plantagenet." - -"So am I, old chap," said Goby. - -At a near table to them were Rivaulx and Gordon. Farther off Plant was -with Carteret Williams. Plant regretted that Bramber wasn't there. -Williams sighed for the artistic company of the delirious Carew. Not -one look of envy or hatred or malice passed between any of them. - -"Marquis," said Gordon, gloomily, "will you come to-morrow with me to -find my--I mean, Penelope?" - -"I will, my dear Gordon," replied the marquis. "To Spilsby." - -"How did you know?" - -"Ridley, the bishop's man, said it." - -"He told me, too. I gave him five pounds," said Gordon. - -"I gave him four." - -"I'll bet he's told 'em all," said Gordon. "I say, marquis, those were -jolly, happy days before this misery came on, when you and I dined -together." - -"And went up in balloons," said the marquis. - -Gordon shook his head. - -"Well, yes, even the balloons. Do you know, marquis, I hated you then. -I don't now. I think you a real good chap." - -The marquis held out his hand, and Gordon shook it. - -"Gordon, I used to despise you. It was a great trial to dine with you. -I'm glad I did it now. I'm a wiser, better man for the trials. I see -that Jews can be noble by nature just as they can be barons by creation. -I finally absolve Dreyfus. I almost love you now!" - -"Good old marquis," said Gordon. "When we get up to town, I'll put you -on the betht thing in the market. I will, so help me!" - -Carteret Williams and Plant got on well together. They talked first of -Bramber and Carew. - -"Carew's all right," said Williams; "all right for an artist. I was in -the Ashanti war with an artist once. I put his head in a bucket of -water!" - -"Why?" asked Plant. - -"Because he was too drunk to draw," said Williams. "He hated me when he -got sober, and caricatured me. I never liked artists afterward. But -when Penelope put me into harness with Carew, I found there was good -stuff in him. He could work. He talked awful rot, but there was -something at the back of it. I had to own it. How did you get on with -Bramber?" - -"I thought him a damn fool," said Plant. "But I found out he wasn't. -There's stuff in Bramber. My--I mean, Penelope knew that. I say, as he -isn't here, poor chap, will you come to Spilsby with me to-morrow?" - -Williams started. - -"How did you come to think of Spilsby?" he asked, suspiciously. - -"The bishop's butler told me. I gave him five pounds," said Plant. - -"I gave him two," said Williams. "Yes, I'll go with you, as Carew isn't -here. I like Carew now. Poor Carew!" - -"And I like Bramber, poor chap," said Plant. "And now I'll go and shake -hands with the marquis, who wanted to kill me last time I was here." - -"I wish I'd seen that," said Williams, simply. "I like seeing fights!" - -They spent a happy evening together and talked of Bob. Austin was great -upon Bob. And so was Gordon. Austin told them all about the dogs. Goby -spoke about the spavined pony he had bought. Gordon told them how Bob -had borrowed a hundred pounds of him to be put into something. - -"I owe him fifty thousand pounds, at least," said Gordon. "The boy is a -financier. I wish I had a boy like Bob." - -And just then Carew walked into the room. He looked ill, but was as -handsome as paint. Williams jumped to his feet. - -"Oh, Jimmy, I heard you were delirious," he said, anxiously. - -"I was," said Jimmy, "very delirious, extraordinarily so. I'm not sure -that I'm not delirious now." - -He looked around the room anxiously, and drew Williams into a corner. - -"Do you know anything about delirium?" he asked, anxiously. - -"A lot about delirium tremens," said Williams. "Most of the artists I've -been with in Africa had it. They said it was malaria. But have you -been drinking?" - -Carew shook his head. - -"Not much, but I see the room is full of 'em!" - -"Full of what?" - -"Things, visions, phantasms!" said Jimmy, creepily. Williams looked -around in alarm. - -"You don't say so!" - -"Yes," said Jimmy. "This influenza is awful! I could swear I see the -marquis and Gordon and that ass Goby and De Vere!" - -"Pull yourself together," said Williams. "They're here all right!" - -"Are they real?" asked Jimmy. "They're not delusions?" - -"Devil a bit!" said Williams. - -"Oh," said Jimmy, "then I think I'll have some brandy. What are they -doing here?" - -[Illustration: JIMMY CAREW, A.R.A. He was the best looking of the whole -"horde"] - -"What are we doing here?" asked Williams. "We're mad! Oh, but, Jimmy, -I'm dashed glad to see you," said Williams, with a lurid string of -emphatic war expressions. "Those were happy days when I learnt about -art with you, and you learnt about life with me!" - -"They were," said Jimmy. "But now I'm almost sick of art." - -Williams implored him not to say so. - -"Think of Rembrandt and Velasquez and Whistler!" - -"I can't think of them. I think of Penelope!" - -"Try to think of Monet and Manet," said Williams. "They'll do you -good." - -"To be sure, to be sure," sighed Jimmy. "I'll try to." - -They talked till two in the morning, and the only man missing was -Bramber. - -"Perhaps he's chucked it," said Williams. "The last time I saw him he -looked sick enough to chuck anything. But I suppose the old earl is so -rocky he can't get away." - -"I hate earls," said Jimmy, jealously. He added with extraordinary -irrelevance, "But I'm glad she adopted him." - -No doubt he referred to the infant. - - - - - *CHAPTER XXVI.* - - -While Pen and Bob and the baby were going as fast as they could toward -Upwell Castle, Pen wept at intervals and hugged the child that all the -"horde" were glad she had adopted. - -"My only darling," said Pen, convulsively. - -Bob shook his head. - -"I say, Pen, I really don't understand you, you know! I say, this is -rot! You mustn't cry; I can't stand it. And you keep on saying it's -your only one in a very silly way. You irritate me very much, Pen!" - -"Why, Bob?" asked the desolate creature at his side. - -"You could stop all this if you wanted to!" - -"Not now," said Pen, "since we've quarrelled!" - -"Rot!" said Bob. "You tell me who it is and I'll bring him along. But -I'm glad it isn't Timothy, you know." - -Timothy was now with Geordie in the other car. - -"I can't tell you," said Pen. - -"Then don't snivel, please," said Bob, crossly, "or I shall drive into -something and kill the baby." - -"Oh!" said Pen, "oh, please don't!" - -"I think it's very hard lines," said Bob, "especially as Geordie and Tim -know, and Miss Mackarness. If they know, I ought to." - -"I had to tell them, Bob. Besides, they knew him," said the incautious -Pen. - -Bob's eyebrows lifted, and he drove rather fast down the next straight -bit of road. - -"I say," he said to himself, "I ought to make something of that." - -He thought very hard and did not speak for a mile. He thought all the -more. - -"Tim knows 'em all, of course. And Geordie may, though I remember his -saying he didn't. But who does Miss Mackarness know? If I can spot -that, I can spot the winner." - -He went back to the time of Pen's youth, which he only knew by hearsay, -as he wasn't much more than born then, and went through the list one by -one. - -"By Jove!" he said, suddenly, and Penelope started. - -"Yes, Bob." - -"No," said Bob, thoughtfully; "no, I'm not sure." - -"What aren't you sure of, dear?" - -"Him," said Bob, and Penelope sighed. - -After another mile's silence, Bob spoke again. - -"By Jove!" - -"You said that before," cried Pen, irritably. He turned his eyes upon -her, and she saw them full of strange intelligence. - -"Oh, what is it?" she asked, in alarm. - -Bob shook his head. - -"You've told me who it is," he said. - -"I haven't." - -"You have," said Bob. "Pen, you're a wonder! I say, are all girls like -you?" - -Penelope said she didn't know, and demanded his meaning. - -"If they are, they're interesting but trying," said Bob. "You couldn't -have made more fuss about it if it had been Bunting. Pen, you are a -wonder. Well, I don't mind; I like him well enough. He's all right. I -hope Bill will like him." - -"You are an annoying, irritating boy," said Pen, crossly. "And you know -nothing." - -"Bar him and Miss Mackarness and Timothy and Smith, I'm the only one -that does," said Bob, drily. "I know you, Pen. You were ashamed of -him, after all you used to say. All right, don't get angry. I'm all -right. I'll keep it dark till you say pull up the blinds. It's not my -business. But I'm glad I know. For granny doesn't, and no one has -guessed, not even Baker. And he's had great experience with girls in -all parts of the world, just as he has had with dogs." - -Pen wept. - -"You are saying all this to worry me. How can you know?" she cried. - -"I'll tell you some day," said Bob. "But because you haven't told me -yourself, and have made me find out, I won't tell you who it is till I -want to. But one thing I'll say, I don't think your brother Bill really -likes him." - -He whistled and let the car out till she fairly hummed. Pen was -exceedingly cross, and hugged the baby, hoping that they would both be -killed at once. - -"I don't know what's going to happen," she said. "I've done my best, -and nothing but trouble comes of it. If I had to begin again, I don't -think I'd try to reform anything. I--I hate reform!" - -In the meantime Miss Mackarness's ideas got sadly altered. She did not -mind dying at first, but when Bob really went fast, it seemed to her -that she loved life better than she thought. - -"If I am to die," she said, "I would rather die in my bed, much rather. -I want peace, and my dear lady gives me none. This young wretch is no -better than a murderer. He laughs. I can't laugh. I can't even speak. -The wind stops my screaming. I want to get out and die quietly." - -They pulled up close to a village to let a wagon loaded with long -timbers get into a side road. Miss Mackarness seized her chance, and, -opening the door, jumped to the ground. - -"If you please, my lady, I'm going no farther. I will come on later in a -cart." - -Penelope remonstrated with her. Bob was urgent and impatient. - -"We may be caught any minute," he said. "Pen, let her come on in a -cart." - -"If you prefer it," said Penelope. - -"My lady, I much prefer it," said the housekeeper. - -Bob let the car go, and Geordie, coming on behind, pulled up to -interview Miss Mackarness. - -"Sooner than go in one a mile farther," she said, firmly, "I would lie -down and die." - -"That's silly, ma'am," said Geordie. - -"I would rather live silly than die wise," replied Miss Mackarness. "I -may be used to much and past surprises, but I can't stomach these cars." - -They left her in the road. And now they drove fast, for Bob set the -pace, and made it a rapid one. - -"I say, Geordie," said Timothy, about twenty miles farther on, "don't -you think you could go slower?" - -"How can I, with the other car ahead, man?" demanded Geordie. - -"Well, I feels queer inside," said poor Timothy. "I'd rather ride a -bucking man-eater than go another yard. Set me down!" - -"Not me," said Geordie. "Be a man, Tim!" - -"I won't," said Tim. "Set me down. I'll walk." - -"Or come on in a cart," sneered Geordie. "Why, Mary here don't mind, do -you, Mary?" - -Mary did mind, but she adored Geordie, and said she didn't. She -preferred to die with Geordie than to ride with Miss Mackarness in a -cart. - -"I don't care," said Tim; "if Mary wants to die in a blazin' fiery mass -of petrol under a wreck, I don't. Let me down." - -And Geordie let him down. - -"A mad bull sooner," said Tim. "And, though I 'ates walkin', bein' a -groom, I'd rather walk to hell than motor into paradise." - -But peace was established in the cars by now. Geordie and Mary sat side -by side, and whenever the pace was hot, she grabbed him so tightly that -he remonstrated. - -"My dear, I'd rather you hugged me when we go slow," he said at last. - -"Lor', Mr. Smith, I wasn't huggin' you," remonstrated the blushing Mary. - -"To an outsider it would appear so," said Geordie. "When a young lady -puts her arms around a man's neck, it looks like huggin'. Mind I don't -say I object, but I _might_ run into the hedge." - -"What a very amusin' gentleman you are," said Mary. "I've a very small -opinion of Mr. Bunting except upon an 'orse. I'm surprised he preferred -to walk." - -"I'm not," said Geordie. "I expected it, and if we went really fast, -you'd want to walk." - -"Never," said Mary. "I love goin' fast. There's great po'try in a -motor-car, Mr. Smith." - -"Poetry, well, maybe," said Geordie. "To my mind, there's more -machinery and oil. I wonder what the next thing will be with my lady, -Mary." - -"Ah," said Mary, "that's more than I can say. She's very sweet and kind, -but I've give up tryin' to understand 'er. And such an 'usband, too. -If I 'ad an 'usband, I'd like to show 'im off, if I was proud of 'im, -and I would." - -"Would you be?" asked Geordie. - -"I 'ope so," said Mary. - -"I guess you'd expect him to do what you wanted, like my lady," said -Geordie. - -"Oh, no, never," said Mary. "I'd do hexactly as I was told by 'im I -loved. I don't believe in a woman 'angin' on a man and tellin' 'im to -do this or that!" - -And just then a mighty fine stretch of road opened before them, and Bob, -half a mile in front, turned his car loose at the top speed. Geordie -put his on the third, and Mary squealed. - -"Hush your row, my dear," said Geordie. "Why, bless me, what's the -matter with the girl!" - -She had him tight by the neck. - -"Oh, I'm frightened, Mr. Smith. Don't go so fast," she screamed. - -"Lemme go," gasped Geordie, whom she was nearly strangling. "Lemme go, -girl!" - -"Never, never!" said Mary, settling on him tighter still. "Stop, stop!" - -"I won't," said Geordie. "D'ye think I'll let that young un get away -from me?" - -"You must," screamed Mary, "or I'll get out." - -"Then get out," said Geordie, rudely. - -"Oh, you cruel, cruel Mr. Smith!" wailed Mary. "Let me down before I'm -killed." - -Geordie wrenched himself free. - -"D'ye mean it?" he asked. - -"Yes, you brute!" said Mary, "I does mean it." - -He put her down there and then. - -"You're no gentleman," said Mary. - -"I never said I was," retorted Geordie, with his eyes on the vanishing -Bob. - -"And I hate you, you coward," sobbed Mary. - -"There's a village a mile up the road," said Geordie. And he left her, -disappearing in a whirlwind. - -"Oh, I'm a sad, des'late, disappinted, jilted woman, with thin shoes and -three and tuppence in my pocket," said Mary. "And I don't know where I -am!" - -She sat on a pile of road metal and cried bitterly. She took it much -harder than the bishop did in a similar situation. - -"Well, it can't be helped," said Geordie, "and I don't know that I'm -sorry. She'd have proposed if I'd kept her at the second speed, I know -that; so perhaps I'm well out of it." - -He whirled after Bob and his lady, and soon caught them up. - -There was peace on that car, too, for Bob hadn't been able to keep his -discovery to himself. - -"Yes, you're right, Bob," sighed Penelope. "But what could I do after -what I'd said? And what can I do now?" - -"Cheer up!" said Bob. "I'll fix it for you somehow. Do you know, Pen, -I begin to think that after all women aren't as difficult to understand -as Baker says." - -They came to Upwell in the early afternoon, and were ignorant that the -world was on their track. Bob sent a telegram to "Mr. Bramwell" as soon -as they got there. - - - - - *CHAPTER XXVII.* - - -The bishop was excited. There is no doubt about it. Nor is it any -wonder, for the sporting element exists even on the episcopal bench, and -the hunting of Penelope was peculiar and choice sport. The clergy of his -diocese were moderately tame, and when he pointed his episcopal gun at -them, they said they would come down, just as the celebrated squirrel -did when Colonel Crockett raised his weapon. Not for a long time had he -felt so pleased with himself. He was quite certain that Penelope was to -be run to earth in the neighbourhood of Spilsby, and, when he had found -her, he proposed to speak to her like a father. - -"I shall certainly suggest a religious ceremony in the cathedral," he -said, blandly. "Oh, yes, I shall insist on it." - -"You'll do what?" asked Bradstock, who was with him and the duchess in -the early train to Spilsby. "You'll do what?" - -The bishop rubbed his hands. - -"As the one who christened her, I shall insist on a religious ceremony," -he replied. - -"Will you?" asked Bradstock. - -"To be sure I shall," said the bishop. - -"Did you ever hear of Mrs. Partington?" asked Bradstock, "or of King -Canute, or of any other celebrated character in history or fiction whose -insistence did not come off?" - -"I scarcely understand you, Bradstock," said the bishop, with dignity. -"I can hardly imagine that you mean to hint, not altogether obscurely, -that Lady Penelope will treat any suggestion of mine with disrespect." - -Bradstock intimated that that was what he did mean, and Titania, who had -got up too early and felt like it, said that she expected nothing from -Penelope now but the worst. - -"I don't know why I am here, or why I am going there," she said. "I -cannot imagine why any of us are doing anything but hiding our disgraced -heads in the remoter parts of the country, while Penelope flaunts a -black, adopted, illegitimate child in some peculiar part of -Lincolnshire, while she is being chased on motor-cars by remorseful -scoundrels, of whom I saw about a dozen as we left Spilsborough. Little -did I think that I should be running after her with Augustin and you, -bishop, while the duke stays at Goring saying she is sport, and Robert -is with her when he ought to be at home with Mr. Guthrie learning to -spell. And as a result of Penelope's being away like this, that -disgraceful Chloe Cadwallader, of whom I shall always have the lowest -opinion, is living in her house in Piccadilly, and I dare say spending -her money right and left. The marchioness said she knew, on the highest -authority, that this was so. The marchioness always goes on the -principle of believing the worst, though, of course, she hopes the best. -I hope the best for Penelope, but I'm sure the worst is before us. I'm -sure of it." - -The bishop asked her to cheer up, and Augustin stroked her hand to calm -her. But nothing calmed or cheered her. - -"I am calm," she said. "I am even peaceful. What can be worse than the -worst? I am cheerful, for I believe there is a better world than this, -in which even a duchess may find some kind of rest on the highest -authority. I shall be glad to go there, and leave you all." - -"Don't say so," said Augustin. - -"I do say so," said the duchess. "I say it firmly and with faith. You -don't dare to deny there is a better world than this, Augustin?" - -"Certainly not, in the presence of the bishop," replied Augustin. -"Though, in looking out of the windows, I should not be surprised to -learn that there is a more exciting spot than Spilsby." - -For they had arrived. - -"_I_ will make inquiries," said the bishop, "while you look after the -duchess in the waiting-room. I see that my wishes have been attended to. -I telegraphed for a carriage to be in attendance, and it is in -attendance. I will speak with the driver." - -He spoke to the driver, who was much intimidated by the apron and the -gaiters of the clerical dignitary. - -"This is the carriage I ordered, I think," said the bishop. "I want to -drive to--to Lady Penelope Brading's house. Do you know it?" - -"No, sir," said the driver. "I never heard owt of it, sir." - -"Dear me, dear me!" said the bishop. "Well, well! But that is easily -explicable, my good man, for my young friend is in the peculiar position -of having several names. This is rare; yes, rare I admit, but not -altogether so very rare. Can you tell me if there is any one lately -come to this neighbourhood known, let us say, as Mrs.--Mrs. Plant, for -instance?" - -"No, sir, there be not as I knows," said the driver. - -"Or Mrs. Gordon, shall I say?" - -The driver scratched his head. - -"I never heard of her," he replied. - -"How remarkable," said the bishop, smiling. "But I am not surprised. -Indeed, in this last case I am almost gratified, though I withhold my -reasons for saying so. Are you then acquainted with any one called De -Vere? No; or with a Mrs. Carteret Williams?" - -Light dawned in the driver's face at last. "Mrs. Williams! Ay, sure -enif. She do sell sweets and tobacco." - -"Indeed," said the bishop, "indeed, how remarkable! But I don't think -she will do. Have you heard of a Mrs. Rivaulx or a Mrs. Goby? Perhaps -I surprise you in this part of Lincolnshire, but in London it is not at -all uncommon for married ladies to have several names, not at all -uncommon." - -"No, sir, I never heard o' none of 'em," returned the driver, thinking -that this gentleman talked most remarkable "cat-blash." - -"Good heavens!" said the bishop, "this new custom is trying. Do you -then know a Mrs. Carew or Mrs. Bramber?" - -Again the man scratched his head and shook it. What did this strange -person in gaiters mean? - -"Oh! ah!" he said at last. "There be a Mrs. Bramwell at the Moat -House." - -"Indeed," said the bishop. "Perhaps that may be the lady. At the Moat -House! Do you know Mr. Bramwell?" - -"I've seen un," said the driver. - -"What is he like?" asked the bishop. "Is he fair or dark, or tall or -short?" - -"He's fairish to dark and betwixt and between," said the driver, wishing -to be accurate, "and mostly goes in big spectacles in his engine." - -"Ha!" said the bishop, "we are on the scent! And what is Mrs. Bramwell -like?" - -"She do mostly go in the engine with specs on, too, sir. But my wife do -say she be a very fine woman." - -The bishop nodded. - -"I think you may drive us to the Moat House," he said. "I will bring my -friends out." - -He rubbed his hands and congratulated himself on the skill with which he -had discovered the object of his search. - -"I really believe I have found her," he said, when he entered the -waiting-room. "I really believe it." - -"No!" said the duchess. - -"Yes," said the bishop. "By a series of skilful questions and the -exercise of a little pardonable deceit, I have learnt that there is a -Mrs. Bramwell here, who is said to be a very fine woman, and goes out in -goggles in a motor-car with her husband, who is fairish to dark and tall -and short and also wears goggles." - -Augustin nodded. - -"This looks like--something," he said, hopefully. "Bramwell! Perhaps -really Bramber, Titania." - -"No, no," said Titania. "I expect disaster. I anticipate the Jew or -Williams." - -"But Bramwell--the first syllable being Bram," suggested the bishop. - -"I cannot build on Bram," said the duchess. "We are an unfortunate -family. Lord Bramber may be an earl at any minute, and she has married -a coal-heaver, of course! Let us go at once." - -When they got into the carriage, the bishop told the man to drive to the -Moat House. - -"Did you say Moat House?" asked the duchess. - -"I did," replied the bishop. - -"Augustin, do you remember that Penelope's mother loved houses with -moats? I think the bishop may be right. I tremble with nervousness." - -She had more reason to tremble in a moment, for a big motor-car shaved -them and scared the horse. - -"Perhaps--" she cried. - -"No," said Augustin, "it's Plant and Williams and Carew!" - -The duchess gasped. And before she could say another word, another car -swept by them. - -"Perhaps--" she cried. - -"No," said the bishop; "in spite of goggles, I recognize the marquis and -Mr. Gordon and Mr. Austin de Vere. This is very remarkable, and not a -little annoying. We shall all descend upon Penelope at once, and I fear -it will somewhat disturb her. I should have much preferred to see her -quietly in order to bring her to a just sense of her peculiar, and our -painful, position." - -When they got to the house, they found all the lovers but Bramber -assembled at the gates. If it hadn't been for the illness of the Earl -of Pulborough, he would have been there, they knew. - -"Oh, which is it?" moaned Titania. "They all said they were married to -her, and I know it's none of 'em." - -The bishop greeted the crowd in the most courteous manner. He shook -hands with those he knew, and bowed to those he hoped to know. - -"I think, gentleman, that, with your permission, I will go in first and -see Lady Penelope before any one else does." - -And while he went up the carriage drive, Titania glared at the lovers. - -"Don't look at 'em like that, Titania," said Augustin. - -"Like what, Augustin?" - -"Like a Gorgon, Titania," said Augustin. - -"I look as I feel," said Titania. "I hate them all. I shall not be -able to restrain myself when I see Penelope. I shall shake her. I -shall say what I think. No, I won't be wise, Augustin! I decline to be -wise. I am full of bitterness. From her earliest youth, she has been a -thorn. And it is your fault; you encouraged her in reform, in -anarchism. Don't speak to me! I shall explode!" - -And Augustin got out just as the bishop rang the door-bell across the -moat. Instead of the kind of servant he expected to see, he was greeted -by a bent old woman, whose chief glory was her rheumatism, though her -claim on Bob had been her stupidity. - -"Is Mrs. Bramwell at home?" asked the bishop, with a beaming smile. - -"Naw," said the old lady, not beaming in the least. - -"No? Then when will she be back?" - -"I don't know," replied the caretaker. - -"You don't know! Will it be soon?" - -"She never said," snarled the old lady. - -"Did she go early?" - -"Maybe an hour ago, maybe two." - -"Will she be back late?" - -"Eh? I'm 'ard of 'earin'." - -"Will she be back late?" roared the bishop. - -"She didn't say." - -"What did she say, then?" - -"Nothin' as I knows of." - -"Where did she go, my good woman?" - -"She didn't say." - -"Dear me, how vexing!" said the bishop. - -"I'm 'ard of 'earin', I tell ye," said the old dame. - -"Who went with her?" - -"All of 'em, so I 'eard." - -"Who were they?" asked the desperate bishop. - -"All as was 'ere. There ain't one left." - -"Was a boy with her?" - -"To be sure, a young gentleman as fetched me 'ere, and give me a -shillin'." - -"What was his name?" - -"'E didn't say," said the old woman, and the bishop wiped his fevered -brow and tried again. - -"Was Mr. Bramwell with her?" - -"I never seed un." - -"How did they go?" - -"In two engines." - -"Ha!" sighed the bishop, "in two motor-cars." - -"Likely." - -"Will they be back to-night?" - -"I 'ope not," said the woman. - -"Why do you hope not?" asked the wretched bishop. - -"Because of fifteen bob a week, to be sure." - -"Then Mrs. Bramwell has gone, has left?" - -"Ain't I been sayin' so this last hour?" asked the exasperated old -person. "Me, with rheumatics, standin' on cold stones for hours arglin' -that she and all have gone in engines!" - -"Good heavens!" said the bishop, "she has escaped! She has eluded us! -She has kept her word and has fled! This is remarkable; it is annoying. -I feel nearer losing my temper than I have done with any one but the -dean for the last ten years. I must go back and tell them." - -He went back to the gate. - -"Is it--" they cried. - -"This is her house," said the bishop, who looked rather flushed, "but I -have discovered by a series of skilfully devised questions that she is -no longer here. Duchess, Lord Bradstock, marquis, and gentlemen, she -went away this morning in two motorcars with all her household, leaving -behind her no one but a caretaker who, in my humble opinion, ought to be -taken care of in an idiot asylum!" - -The duchess sighed. - -"Then she has kept her word! Finding out that we are still pursuing -her, she has fled from us. Oh, I think it wicked of her, wicked to all -of us. When I get hold of Robert, I shall take steps to show him what I -think of him. Do you give it up, bishop?" - -The bishop's eyes flashed with indignation. - -"Never!" he said. "I propose that we pursue her at once. She cannot -have thought we should be here so soon. If we find out which road she -took, we may yet overtake her." - -"In what?" asked Bradstock, with his hand on the ramshackle landau the -duchess sat in. "In this conveyance, for instance?" - -The bishop looked at the two big motor-cars, and at their wretched -owners, Plant and Rivaulx. - -"Taking my courage in both hands," he said, bravely, "I propose that we -lose no time. _I_ will go in this car with the marquis, if he will take -me." - -The marquis said through his clenched teeth that he would. - -"Bradstock, you will escort the duchess back to Spilsborough." - -"Certainly not," said the duchess. "I am coming, too. I must and I -will. Whatever the condition of Penelope may now be, it is my duty. I -come with you!" - -"And so do I," said Bradstock. - -They packed themselves in the cars, and moved away from the deserted -house of the moat. In the village they soon discovered that "Mrs. -Bramwell" had gone northwest by the road to Horncastle, and a moment -later the bishop said, "Oh!" as Rivaulx fairly launched his car into -space. Even Bradstock in Plant's car said something, and the duchess, -losing the repose which stamps all duchesses the moment they become -duchesses, uttered a scream. Gordon consoled the bishop, being very much -pleased to find himself with one, by saying that he had been in a -balloon with Rivaulx, and found him careful and very trustworthy. - -"I do not think any one who goes in a balloon," gasped his lordship, -"can properly be described by any such terms." - -Williams said he didn't care if he was killed, as soon as Penelope had -acknowledged she was married to him. Gordon, who was desperately scared -of Williams, said nothing, but gave the bishop to understand by signs -that the war correspondent was mad. Carew, who was still suffering from -influenza, sat in his corner and wept at intervals. - -In Plant's car the duchess and Goby and De Vere got on admirably. -Bradstock sat by Plant and prepared to die. The duchess held Captain -Goby's hand. De Vere said some poetry before the speed was very great. -Afterward he said his prayers, and wished he was at home with his -bulldogs. - -"What does anything matter?" he asked, as he clutched Goby's offside. - -And all of a sudden Rivaulx's motor pulled up so quickly that the bishop -was nearly precipitated upon the road. A scared, oldish woman in -respectable and sub-freak garments had done her best to get run over. -Rivaulx swore terrible French oaths, and the bishop, who knew French far -better than he dared acknowledge except in a literary conversation on -Rabelais or _argot_, sympathized with him in awestruck silence. - -"You accursed old lady! Why?" demanded Rivaulx. - -"Hush, hush!" said the bishop, and, leaning from the car, he said: "It -is all right, my good woman. I hope we have not alarmed you." - -Miss Mackarness said they had. It was very hard to have got out of one -car and then to be almost killed by another. Then the car behind came -up, and the duchess looked at the lady who had given her a little -respite. The duchess absolutely screamed again. - -"Augustin, it is Miss Mackarness! I remember her well!" - -"Who the deuce is Miss Mackarness?" grumbled Bradstock. - -But Titania paid no attention to him. Her eyes brightened. She became -clever all at once. - -"I remember," she said, "I remember!" - -She called to the stranger in the road. - -"I am so pleased to see you again after such a long time, Miss -Mackarness," she said, kindly. "Are you still at Upwell Castle?" - -"I'm going there now, ma'am," said the housekeeper, who didn't recognize -her Grace. - -"Are you walking?" asked Titania, kindly. "It is a long way to walk. -You don't remember me, I see." - -"No, ma'am," said Miss Mackarness. - -"I am the Duchess of Goring," said Titania. - -"Oh, your Grace! I beg your Grace's pardon, but, of course, you are," -gasped Miss Mackarness. - -"And I am going to Upwell now to see my niece." - -Miss Mackarness gasped again and could not speak. - -"To see Mrs. Bramwell, you know," said Titania, sweetly. "Of course, -_I_ know all about it, Miss Mackarness." - -"To be sure, your Grace," replied her victim, not knowing what to do or -say. - -"Then _good_-bye," said the duchess. "I hope you will enjoy your walk, -Miss Mackarness. It's such pleasant weather for a walk." - -They left the poor woman in the middle of the road, an easy victim to -the slowest vehicle in the county. - -"Oh, I've done wrong, I know!" said Pen's housekeeper. "What shall I do -now?" - -"I said that on purpose," said Titania, viciously. "She has known all -along, and ought to have told me. But now we know all about it, -Augustin!" - -"What about 'Mr. Bramwell'?" asked Augustin. Goby and De Vere turned -pale, and the duchess threw up her hands. - -"I might have asked her!" she cried. - -"Captain Goby looked at her severely," said Augustin, "and so did De -Vere." - -Goby and De Vere denied it. - -"Never mind," said the duchess, "this time she can't escape. We are on -the track." - -They passed a man a few miles farther on, and only Augustin noticed him. - -"You are right, Titania; we are certainly on the track. That man was -Timothy Bunting," he said. "Pen has been shedding her retainers all -along the road. I suspect Bob of furious driving." - -A few miles farther, at the foot of a steep rise, they saw a young and -pretty woman weeping on a heap of stones. - -"I wonder if that is another of 'em," said Augustin. - -It was Mary, whom Geordie had deposited on the road half-way between two -villages. - -"Have two motor-cars gone this way?" asked Bradstock. - -"Yes, sir," sobbed Mary. - -"Why are you crying?" asked the sympathetic peer. - -"Because Geordie Smith is no gentleman," said Mary. - -"That's Mrs. Bramwell's driver, isn't it? I know her well," said -Bradstock. - -"Yes, it is, and he ain't a gentleman. He drove so fast he frightened -me, and I got out." - -"How sad," said Bradstock. "We are going on to Upwell Castle now. Can -we help you?" - -"I would rather walk to Australia than get in another one of 'em," said -Mary. - -"You are right," said Augustin. "Titania, you are right. In half an -hour we shall see Penelope." - -"And I shall see Bob," said Titania, viciously. - -But the bishop felt rather pleased with Bob now. He was in a car driven -by Rivaulx. And Rivaulx was desperate. And when Rivaulx was desperate -he lacked consideration for others. - - - - - *CHAPTER XXVIII.* - - -As all antiquarians know, Upwell Castle consists of two wings and a kind -of centrepiece joining two civilizations and two divergent schools of -architecture. The right wing is Tudor, and ruined; the left is -Georgian, and habitable; the centre is nondescript and pseudo-Palladian. -It cost a great deal to keep up, and nothing could keep it from falling -down. Penelope's mother fell in love with it on first sight, and fell -out with her husband about the price. Its value has fallen since then, -for landed property is the only stable thing which always falls. There -were pictures in it that connoisseurs gloated over, and some that -picture-cleaners had restored till they were as valuable as a Gothic -cathedral brought up to date by a resurrected Vandal. There were -carvings by Grinling Gibbons to be seen, and some that were not by -Grinling Gibbons. There were some rooms decorated by Adams that would -have made Adam ill. There was an oak staircase there that a thousand -intoxicated noblemen had fallen down; there was another that no sober -gentleman could go up. It was ruinous, romantic, and rat-haunted; -tapestry waved in its corridors, ghosts loved its precincts; there was a -room stained with something that the servants said was blood, and that -the skeptical averred to be port wine. The only thing against the -latter theory was that the dining-room was not stained, though some said -it had been so flooded all over that nothing showed. It was a -delightful place, and Penelope never stayed there. Miss Mackarness did, -but then she was a Scotchwoman, and didn't count. Bob adored it, but -then Bob was Bob, and nothing could change him. - -"I'll fix this all up," said Bob, "and make her happy. She's silly. -I'll blow the gaff, as Baker says. She's up-stairs now, crying her eyes -out, and making the baby bellow." - -He wandered about the grounds, and wondered where Mary and Bunting and -Miss Mackarness were. - -"Silly fools!" said Bob; "the idea of being afraid of going in a -motor-car. By Jove, I wonder what's become of my man at Spilsborough! -I suppose those people in Regent Street think I've stolen the car. What -fun!" - -He explored the ruined wing, and ruined it a little more, and came out -again into the Queen Anne garden. - -"By Jove, I do wish I knew where they all were!" he said. "I wonder -what granny is doing. Is she having fits, and Dr. Lumsden Griff to look -after 'em? I think Griff's a soft-soapy ass. He says, 'Well, how are -we this morning?' By Jove, all the rest of 'em will have fits, too. -They will be sick. But I'm glad they're out of it. I wonder where Lord -Bradstock is. He'll pull my wig when he sees me. And the bishop! -Well, he's not a bad old boy. I rather like bishops, but their legs are -queer. By Jove, but it's fun having skipped and done them! If they -ever get to Spilsby and find us gone, they'll be mad!" - -He walked around the corner of the house, and _paff_ came a motor-car -and made him jump. Another one followed like a streak of light. Bob -went quite pale for a boy with a complexion like an ancient red brick, -and made a bolt for the door. He was too late, for Bradstock and the -bishop stood in his way. Bob slowed down, put his hands in his pockets -and whistled. - -"I say," said Bob, "how did you find this place out?" - -"I own to being surprised and disappointed with you, Robert," said the -bishop; "very much surprised and greatly disappointed." - -Bob wagged his head to and fro. - -"Why, what about?" he asked. - -"At your not returning, sir," said his lordship. "You treated me and -Lord Bradstock, I regret to say, with great disrespect." - -"I'm very sorry," said Bob, "but I couldn't help it. Pen--Oh, Lord! -there's granny!" - -The duchess intervened. - -"Robert, where is Penelope?" - -Bob hesitated. - -"Gone to--t-to London for Paris and Marseilles and Australia," said Bob, -hurriedly. "She said she couldn't wait, but had an appointment there -somewhere. And she said I was to say she was sorry if any one called." - -"Robert," said the duchess, severely, "do not keep your eyes fixed upon -the distant landscape. Look me in the face. Are you speaking the -truth?" - -Bob wriggled and shuffled. - -"No, I'm not," he said. "It's a beastly lie. But she did say the other -day that she would go to the ends of the earth. And that's Australia, -ain't it?" - -"Bob," said the bishop, "this is very painful to me. Speak the truth -like a man." - -"I won't," said Bob; "it isn't my truth. I won't give Pen away to any -one." - -His vision cleared, and he saw the lovers ranked behind his grandmother -and the bishop. - -"Oh, Mr. Gordon," he cried, "do come and help me! Would you tell if you -were me?" - -"No," said Gordon, "no, of course not." - -"I always liked you," said Bob, "so I won't." - -"I command you," said Titania, looking at Gordon furiously. - -"It's no good," said Bob, rapidly; "Pen's a great way off, far enough, -that is, and I swore I'd never disclose the secret of her whereabouts to -any one. At least, if I didn't swear it, I said it, and, if I said it, -my lord, and broke my promise, it wouldn't be honourable, would it?" - -"I don't care," began Titania. - -"Would it, my lord?" asked Bob. - -"I'm afraid not," said the bishop, "though perhaps in the circumstances, -which are very peculiar--" - -"Well, I won't," said Bob, "and that's flat. Goby wouldn't, I know, -would you, Captain Goby?" - -But the duchess waved Goby into the background. - -"I mean to have the truth. Shall we listen to your foolish scruples -now? If you won't tell us where she is, tell us whom she has married. -Is it one of these gentlemen?" - -"I won't give any of 'em away," said Bob. - -"Then you know?" - -"Of course I know," said Bob. - -"Ah," sighed the duchess, "then she is married?" - -"She says so," said Bob, "and, if it's true, as I suppose, I know who it -is. But Pen, before she went up--before she went, said I wasn't to -speak." - -Bradstock smiled. - -"Titania, Penelope is in the house. Let us go in," he said, and he -marched up the steps. Bob shook himself free from the duchess and -darted indoors before Bradstock. He bolted up-stairs to Penelope, and -burst in upon her like a whirlwind. - -"Pen, they're all here, all the gang! I couldn't keep 'em out!" - -"Who are here?" asked Pen, in awful dismay. - -"All of 'em, and the bishop and Bradstock and granny!" - -"Oh, what shall I do?" wailed Penelope. - -"I'll tell you," said Bob. "Let's sneak down the back way and steal one -of their cars now, and get away!" - -"No, no," said Penelope, "it wouldn't be dignified. I must be -dignified, Bob, I must be; I will go down and see them." - -"No," said Bob. - -"I will," said Penelope. - -"And tell 'em the truth?" - -Penelope started. - -"I can't, I can't, because we've quarrelled. But I will see them; I -must." - -She went red and white and red again, and once more as pale as dawn. -She kissed the sleeping, adopted, illegitimate, normal-coloured infant -as he sprawled upon an historic bed, and went to the door. - -"Come with me, Bob." - -"I'll hold your hand, Pen. I say, you shake!" - -"Squeeze my hand till you hurt me," said Pen. "Now come!" - -She swept down the big staircase, with Bob in tow, and found herself in -the presence of the entire "gang," as Bob had called them. - -"Penelope!" said Titania, recoiling. - -"Oh, Pen," said Bradstock, advancing. - -"My dear Lady Penelope," said the bishop, sweetly, "do you recollect -that I christened you at the early age of three months?" - -"No," said Penelope. - -"No!" said the bishop, "no, to be sure, how could you? But I did." - -"It--it was very kind of you," said Penelope. Titania recovered herself -and advanced. Gordon and the rest hung about in the distance, looking -as wretched as the ruined wing of the castle. - -"Are you married, Penelope?" asked Titania. - -"Yes," said Penelope. - -"Of course she is," said Bob. - -"Hold your tongue, Robert," said his grandmother. "And to whom?" - -"I won't say," replied Penelope. "I told you I wouldn't, and I won't." - -"I said she wouldn't," cried Bob. - -Titania pointed her hand at the shrinking horde. - -"Every single one of these gentlemen, to say nothing of Lord Bramber, -who is with his invalid father at the present moment, came to me and -said he was married to you! Every one of them without an exception!" - -"I am very much obliged to them," said Pen. "In the circumstances, I -think it was noble of them." - -"Are you alluding to the advertisement in the _Times_?" asked Titania. -"Are you aware that every one now says that you have adopted an infant?" - -"What rot!" said Bob. - -"Robert," cried his grandmother, "be silent, I command you. I will not -be interrupted by you. Are you aware, Penelope, that it is said all over -England and Europe and the blatant United States that you have adopted -an infant?" - -Penelope shook her head. - -"It's the first I've heard of it," said Penelope, who was the colour of -a rose. - -"Is it true? Do not evade my question," cried Titania. - -"I don't see, granny, what right you have to ask 'em," said the -irrepressible Bob. "I sent you a wire to say it wasn't black, and it -isn't." - -"Augustin, silence that boy," said Titania. - -But Augustin shook his head. - -"Don't you answer anything, Pen," said Bob. "No one has any right to ask -you anything." - -He marched over to Gordon. - -"Don't look so sad, Mr. Gordon." - -"I can't help it, my boy," said Gordon. "It's a horrid situation. I -don't care whether it's adopted or not. If she'll marry me, I'll have -her." - -Bob squeezed his hand. - -"I ain't _absolutely_ sure it isn't you yet," he said. "Pen hasn't told -me all, you know. By the way, Mr. Gordon, did that speculation come -off?" - -"Not so well as I thought by ten thousand," said Gordon. - -"Oh, I say," said Bob, "but, after all, it doesn't matter. I'll make -fifty or sixty thousand do." - -"You're a fine boy," said Gordon. "But, Bob, I would like to strangle -your grandmother." - -"Would you?" asked Bob, eagerly. "I dare say Pen does, too. -Grandmothers and aunts are very trying. At least, I find them so." - -The duchess's voice rose now quite above the limits of social decency, -except when any one is playing or singing. - -"I will not be put off, Penelope. You will say who it is, and you will -be married again by the bishop in his fine Gothic cathedral--" - -"Mr. Dean's cathedral," interjected the bishop. - -"With a proper service and the usual hymns, breathing over Eden, or I -will stay here till you do." - -"Steady, Titania," said Bradstock. "If she won't, she won't." - -"But she shall," shrieked Titania. "Gentlemen, which of you is it? I -am now entirely desperate; which of you is it?" - -No one said a word. - -"Marquis, is it you?" asked the duchess. "You said so before." - -"How can I say?" asked poor Rivaulx. "She says no one must." - -"Quite right," said Bradstock. "Who will believe any one, Titania? -Let's have lunch and be friendly and stop this. I'm very hungry, Pen. -And let's see the baby." - -The duchess shivered. - -"I cannot and will not see it," said Titania. "For by all accounts, it -is an adopted illegitimate child. If Penelope will send it back to the -person she got it of, and own the truth, I will forgive her and have -lunch, for I am very faint." - -"I want to see the baby, Pen," said Augustin, with his hand on Pen's -shoulder. "You know, Pen, they still say it's rather dusky." - -Penelope was very indignant. - -"He's not," she cried. "They sha'n't say it any more. Bob, tell that -girl up-stairs to bring him down." - -And Bob ran up-stairs like a monkey up a stick. - -"I decline to see it," said Titania. "A baby without a name is a -terrible object to me. It is an insult to the bishop and to the Church -to bring one into the room. I will retire into the open air and try to -breathe again." - -Goby assisted her outside. - -"This is a calamity," said Titania. "It's a catastrophe. What is the -truth, Captain Goby? Are you a liar, too?" - -Goby sobbed. - -"How can I say?" he asked. "You know I can't." - -He looked out into the park. - -"Here's some one coming in a motor," he cried. They all ran to the -windows. But just then Bob and the nurse came down with the infant, -who, though evidently awed by the number of creatures he saw about him, -behaved like a gentleman, and not in the least like an adopted child. - -"I congratulate you, Pen," said Bradstock. "The mother must be a -devilish pretty woman! Does she miss it much, Pen? Oh, Pen, what a -queer, mad darling you are! I begin to see daylight." - -But nobody else did. Penelope blushed and hugged the baby tenderly, -while Bob danced around her in the wildest state of excitement. - -"I say, Captain Goby, come and look at it! Mr. de Vere! I say, -marquis! Ain't it a ripper, and as fat as a pup, and hardly a squeal -out of it day or night! Granny dear, won't you look at it?" - -"No, no," said Titania. "I cannot, cannot bring myself to do so!" - -"You'll soon be jolly sorry, I can tell you," cried the loving grandson. -"I'll bet you'll be sorry." - -He ran to Pen. - -"I say, Pen, give the kid to me, or you'll drop it." - -"Drop him!" exclaimed Penelope. "Oh, Bob, is it likely?" - -"Very likely," said Bob, "if you knew that I sent a telegram to some one -just as soon as we got here!" - -Pen flushed scarlet. But not with anger. - -"Oh, Bob!" - -"I did! You ain't angry?" - -"Oh, Bob!" - -"I don't care," said Bob, as he took the child. "I don't care a hang. -I'm ruined with all these jossers now. De Vere will never buy any more -dogs of me. I say, who's that?" - -A motor-car stopped outside the great hall door, and a gentleman in -black got out. He came up the steps rapidly, and stopped dead when he -found all the world in front of him. - -"I thought so," said Bradstock. "Now the catalogue is complete." - -"Lord Bramber!" cried the others. Penelope stood in the centre of the -great hall as if she were turned to marble. But no marble ever had so -sweet a colour. - -[Illustration: THE EARL OF PULBOROUGH. Clever; but indolent] - -"I believe it is now the Earl of Pulborough," said Bradstock, gravely, -to the newcomer. - -"Yes," he replied. "Penelope, you sent for me?" - -Pen fell upon his neck before them all and did not deny it. - -And, as they stood still in great amazement, Bob danced the baby up and -down till that young gentleman made up his mind to roar as soon as he -got his breath. - -"This--this is Lord Bramber," howled Bob, triumphantly. "Now admit you -feel sorry you spoke, granny!" - -He gave the baby to the nurse, and grabbed Goby by the arm. - -"I say, I'm awfully sorry, but it isn't my fault, Captain Goby, and -Ethel Mytton is a very nice girl, and dead in love with you." - -"Is she?" sighed Goby. - -"Mr. de Vere, I've got a bulldog--" - -"Damn bulldogs!" said De Vere. - -Bob seized Gordon. - -"Do you feel very bad, Mr. Gordon?" he asked, sympathetically. "I -almost wish it had been you." - -"It can't be helped," said Gordon, gloomily. "I never had a chance. -Come and see me in the city next week, Bob." - -Rivaulx and Carew and Williams took their hats and slipped from the -house, while Bob did what he could to soften things for them. - -"I'll come and see you all very often," he cried. "Good-bye now!" - -An hour later, when Titania had the baby upon her capacious lap, and -said how certain she had been the whole time that Bramber was Penelope's -choice, Bob walked around the garden with the bishop and Lord Bradstock. - -"Oh, it's quite easy to understand," said Bob. "After all she said, you -expected she would marry some outsider, and you see she took the pick of -the basket, and of course was ashamed. Oh, I know Pen." - -"You are a wonder, Bob," said Bradstock. - -The bishop said that upon adequate reflection he was inclined to agree -with Bradstock. - -"Well, Pen's all right," said Bob. - - - - THE END. - - - - - * * * * * * * * - - - - -*L. C. Page and Company's -Announcement List -of New fiction* - - - -*The Flight of Georgiana* - -A ROMANCE OF THE DAYS OF THE YOUNG PRETENDER. By ROBERT NEILSON -STEPHENS, author of "The Bright Face of Danger," "An Enemy to the King," -"The Mystery of Murray Davenport," etc. - -Library 12mo, cloth decorative, illustrated . . . $1.50 - -Mr. Stephens's novels all bear the hall-mark of success for his men are -always live, his women are always worthy of their cavaliers, and his -adventures are of the sort to stir the most sluggish blood without -overstepping the bounds of good taste. - -The theme of the new novel is one which will give Mr. Stephens splendid -scope for all the powers at his command. The career of "Bonnie Prince -Charlie" was full of romance, intrigue, and adventure; his life was a -series of episodes to delight the soul of a reader of fiction, and Mr. -Stephens is to be congratulated for his selection of such a promising -subject. - - - -*Mrs. Jim and Mrs. Jimmie* - -By STEPHEN CONRAD, author of "The Second Mrs. Jim." - -Library 12mo, cloth decorative, illustrated . . . $1.50 - -This new book is in a sense a sequel to "The Second Mrs. Jim," since it -gives further glimpses of that delightful stepmother and her philosophy. -This time, however, she divides the field with "Mrs. Jimmie," who is -quite as attractive in her different way. The book has more plot than -the former volume, a little less philosophy perhaps, but just as much -wholesome fun. In many ways it is a stronger book, and will therefore -take an even firmer hold on the public. - - - -*The Story of Red Fox* - -Told by CHARLES G. D. ROBERTS, author of "The Watchers of the Trails," -"The Kindred of the Wild," "Barbara Ladd," etc. - -Library 12mo, cloth decorative, with fifty illustrations and cover -design by Charles Livingston Bull . . . $2.00 - -Mr. Roberts's reputation as a scientifically accurate writer, whose -literary skill transforms his animal stories into masterpieces, stands -unrivalled in his particular field. - -This is his first long animal story, and his romance of Red Fox, from -babyhood to patriarchal old age, makes reading more fascinating than any -work of fiction. In his hands Red Fox becomes a personality so strong -that one entirely forgets he is an animal, and his haps and mishaps grip -you as do those of a person. - -Mr. Bull, as usual, fits his pictures to the text as hand to glove, and -the ensemble becomes a book as near perfection as it is possible to -attain. - - - -*Return* - -A STORY OF THE SEA ISLANDS IN 1739. By ALICE MACGOWAN and GRACE -MACGOWAN COOKE, authors of "The Last Word," etc. With six illustrations -by C. D. Williams. - -Library 12mo, cloth . . . $1.50 - -A new romance, undoubtedly the best work yet done by Miss MacGowan and -Mrs. Cooke. The heroine of "Return," Diana Chaters, is the belle of the -Colonial city of Charles Town, S.C., in the early eighteenth century, -and the hero is a young Virginian of the historical family of Marshall. -The youth, beauty, and wealth of the fashionable world, which first form -the environment of the romance, are pictured in sharp contrast to the -rude and exciting life of the frontier settlements in the Georgia -Colony, and the authors have missed no opportunities for telling -characterizations. But "Return" is, above all, a love-story. - -We quote the opinion of Prof. Charles G. D. Roberts, who has read the -advance sheets: "It seems to me a story of quite unusual strength and -interest, full of vitality and crowded with telling characters. I -greatly like the authors' firm, bold handling of their subject." - - - -*Lady Penelope* - -By MORLEY ROBERTS, author of "Rachel Marr," "The Promotion of the -Admiral," etc. With nine illustrations by Arthur W. Brown. - -Library 12mo, cloth . . . $1.50 - -Mr. Roberts certainly has versatility, since this book has not a single -point of similarity with either "Rachel Marr" or his well-known sea -stories. Its setting is the English so-called "upper crust" of the -present day. Lady Penelope is quite the most up-to-date young lady -imaginable and equally charming. As might be expected from such a -heroine, her automobiling plays an important part in the development of -the plot. Lady Penelope has a large number of suitors, and her method -of choosing her husband is original and provocative of delightful -situations and mirthful incidents. - - - -*The Winged Helmet* - -By HAROLD STEELE MACKAYE, author of "The Panchronicon," etc. With six -illustrations by H. C. Edwards. - -Library 12mo, cloth . . . $1.50 - -When an author has an original theme on which to build his story, -ability in construction of unusual situations, skill in novel -characterization, and a good literary style, there can be no doubt but -that his work is worth reading. "The Winged Helmet" is of this -description. - -The author gives in this novel a convincing picture of life in the early -sixteenth century, and the reader will be delighted with its originality -of treatment, freshness of plot, and unexpected climaxes. - - - -*A Captain of Men* - -By E. ANSON MORE. - -Library 12mo, cloth, illustrated . . . $1.50 - -A tale of Tyre and those merchant princes whose discovery of the value -of tin brought untold riches into the country and afforded adventures -without number to those daring seekers for the mines. Merodach, the -Assyrian, Tanith, the daughter of the richest merchant of Tyre, Miriam, -her Hebrew slave, and the dwarf Hiram, who was the greatest artist of -his day, are a quartette of characters hard to surpass in individuality. -It has been said that the powerful order of Free Masons first had its -origin in the meetings which were held at Hiram's studio in Tyre, where -gathered together the greatest spirits of that age and place. - - - -*The Paradise of the Wild Apple* - -By RICHARD LEGALLIENNE, author of "Old Love Stories Retold," "The Quest -of the Golden Girl," etc. - -Library 12mo, cloth decorative . . . $1.50 - -The theme of Mr. LeGallienne's new romance deals with the instinct of -wildness in human nature,--the wander spirit and impatience of tame -domesticity, the preference for wild flowers and fruits, and the glee in -summer storms and elemental frolics. A wild apple-tree, high up in a -rocky meadow, is symbolic of all this, and Mr. LeGallienne works out in -a fashion at once imaginative and serious the romance of a young man -well placed from the view of worldly goods and estate, who suddenly -hungers for the "wild apples" of his youth. The theme has limitless -possibilities, and Mr. LeGallienne is artist enough to make adequate use -of them. - - - -*The Grapple* - -Library 12mo, cloth decorative . . . $1.50 - -This story of a strike in the coal mines of Pennsylvania gives both -sides of the question,--the Union and its methods, and the non-Union -workers and their loyal adherents, with a final typical clash at the -end. The question is an absorbing one, and it is handled fearlessly. - -For the present at least "The Grapple" will be issued anonymously. - - - -*Brothers of Peril* - -By THEODORE ROBERTS, author of "Hemming the Adventurer." - -Library 12mo, cloth decorative, illustrated . . . $1.50 - -"Brothers of Peril" has an unusual plot, dealing with a now extinct -race, the Beothic Indians of the sixteenth century, who were the -original inhabitants of Newfoundland when that island was merely a -fishing-station for the cod-seeking fleets of the old world. - -The story tells of the adventures of a young English cavalier, who, left -behind by the fleet, finds another Englishman, with his daughter and -servants, who is hiding from the law. A French adventurer and pirate, -who is an unwelcome suitor for the daughter, plays an important part. -Encounters between the Indians and the small colony of white men on -shore, and perilous adventures at sea with a shipload of pirates led by -the French buccaneer, make a story of breathless interest. - - - -*The Black Barque* - -By T. JENKINS HAINS, author of "The Wind Jammers," "The Strife of the -Sea," etc. With five illustrations by W. Herbert Dunton. - -Library 12mo, cloth . . . $1.50 - -According to a high naval authority who has seen the advance sheets, -this is one of the best sea stories ever offered to the public. "The -Black Barque" is a story of slavery and piracy upon the high seas about -1815, and is written with a thorough knowledge of deep-water sailing. -This, Captain Hains's first long sea story, realistically pictures a -series of stirring scenes at the period of the destruction of the -exciting but nefarious traffic in slaves, in the form of a narrative by -a young American lieutenant, who, by force of circumstances, finds -himself the gunner of "The Black Barque." - - - -*Cameron of Lochiel* - -Translated from the French of PHILIPPE AUBERT DE GASPE by PROF. CHARLES -G. D. ROBERTS. - -Library 12mo, cloth decorative . . . $1.50 - -The publishers are gratified to announce a new edition of a book by this -famous author, who may be called the Walter Scott of Canada. This -interesting and valuable romance is fortunate in having for its -translator Professor Roberts, who has caught perfectly the spirit of the -original. The French edition first appeared under the title of "Les -Anciens Canadiens" in 1862, and was later translated and appeared in an -American edition now out of print. - -Patriotism, devotion to the French-Canadian nationality, a just pride of -race, and a loving memory for his people's romantic and heroic past, are -the dominant chords struck by the author throughout the story. - - - -*Castel del Monte* - -By NATHAN GALLIZIER. Illustrated by H. C. Edwards. - -Library 12mo, cloth . . . $1.5O - -A powerful romance of the fall of the Hohenstaufen dynasty in Italy, and -the overthrow of Manfred by Charles of Anjou, the champion of Pope -Clement IV. The Middle Ages are noted for the weird mysticism and the -deep fatalism characteristic of a people believing in signs and portents -and the firm hand of fate. Mr. Gallizier has brought out these -characteristics in a marked degree. - - - -*Slaves of Success* - -By ELLIOTT FLOWER, author of "The Spoilsmen," etc. With twenty -illustrations by different artists. - -Library 12mo, cloth . . . $1.50 - -Another striking book by Mr. Flower, whose work is already so well -known, both through his long stories and his contributions to -_Collier's_, the _Saturday Evening Post_, etc. Like his first success, -"The Spoilsmen," it deals with politics, but in the broader field of -state and national instead of municipal. The book has recently appeared -in condensed form as a serial in _Collier's Magazine_, where it -attracted wide-spread attention, and the announcement of its appearance -in book form will be welcomed by Mr. Flower's rapidly increasing -audience. The successful delineation of characters like John Wade, Ben -Carroll, Azro Craig, and Allen Sidway throws new strong lights on the -inside workings of American business and political "graft." - - - -*Silver Bells* - -By COL. ANDREW C. P. HAGGARD, author of "Hannibal's Daughter," "Louis -XIV. in Court and Camp," etc. With cover design and frontispiece by -Charles Livingston Bull. - -Library 12mo, cloth . . . $1.50 - -Under the thin veneer of conventionality and custom lurks in many hearts -the primeval instinct to throw civilization to the winds and hark back -to the ways of the savages in the wilderness, and it often requires but -a mental crisis or an emotional upheaval to break through the coating. -Geoffrey Digby was such an one, who left home and kindred to seek -happiness among the Indians of Canada, in the vast woods which always -hold an undefinable mystery and fascination. He gained renown as a -mighty hunter, and the tale of his life there, and the romance which -awaited him, will be heartily enjoyed by all who like a good love-story -with plenty of action not of the "stock" order. "Silver Bells," the -Indian girl, is a perfect "child of nature." - - - - -*Selections from -L. C. Page and Company's -List of Fiction* - - - - *WORKS OF - ROBERT NEILSON STEPHENS* - - - -*Captain Ravenshaw;* OR, THE MAID OF CHEAPSIDE. (40th thousand.) A -romance of Elizabethan London. Illustrations by Howard Pyle and other -artists. - -Library 12mo, cloth . . . $1.50 - -Not since the absorbing adventures of D'Artagnan have we had anything so -good in the blended vein of romance and comedy. The beggar student, the -rich goldsmith, the roisterer and the rake, the fop and the maid, are -all here: foremost among them Captain Ravenshaw himself, soldier of -fortune and adventurer, who, after escapades of binding interest, -finally wins a way to fame and to matrimony. - - - -*Philip Winwood.* (70th thousand) A Sketch of the Domestic History of -an American Captain in the War of Independence, embracing events that -occurred between and during the years 1763 and 1785 in New York and -London. Written by his Enemy in War, Herbert Russell, Lieutenant in the -Loyalist Forces. Presented anew by ROBERT NEILSON STEPHENS. -Illustrated by E. W. D. Hamilton. - -Library 12mo, cloth . . . $1.50 - -"One of the most stirring and remarkable romances that have been -published in a long while, and its episodes, incidents, and actions are -as interesting and agreeable as they are vivid and dramatic."--_Boston -Times_. - - - -*The Mystery of Murray Davenport.* (30th thousand.) By ROBERT NEILSON -STEPHENS, author of "An Enemy to the King," "Philip Winwood," etc. - -Library 12mo, cloth, with six full-page illustrations by H. C. Edwards . -. . $1.50 - -"This is easily the best thing that Mr. Stephens has yet done. Those -familiar with his other novels can best judge the measure of this -praise, which is generous."--_Buffalo News_. - -"Mr. Stephens won a host of friends through his earlier volumes, but we -think he will do still better work in his new field if the present -volume is a criterion."--_N. Y. Com. Advertiser_. - - - -*An Enemy to the King.* (60th thousand.) From the "Recently Discovered -Memoirs of the Sieur de la Tournoire." Illustrated by H. De M. Young. - -Library 12mo, cloth . . . $1.50 - -An historical romance of the sixteenth century, describing the -adventures of a young French nobleman at the Court of Henry III., and on -the field with Henry of Navarre. - -"A stirring tale."--_Detroit Free Press_. - -"A royally strong piece of fiction."--_Boston Ideas_. - -"Interesting from the first to the last page."--_Brooklyn Eagle_. - -"Brilliant as a play; it is equally brilliant as a romantic -novel."--_Philadelphia Press_. - - - -*The Continental Dragoon:* A ROMANCE OF PHILIPSE MANOR HOUSE IN 1778. -(43d thousand.) Illustrated by H. C. Edwards. - -Library 12mo, cloth . . . $1.50 - -A stirring romance of the Revolution, the scene being laid in and around -the old Philipse Manor House, near Yonkers, which at the time of the -story was the central point of the so-called "neutral territory" between -the two armies. - - - -*The Road to Paris:* A STORY OF ADVENTURE. (25th thousand.) Illustrated -by H. C. Edwards. - -Library 12mo, cloth . . . $1.50 - -An historical romance of the 18th century, being an account of the life -of an American gentleman adventurer of Jacobite ancestry, whose family -early settled in the colony of Pennsylvania. - - - -*A Gentleman Player:* HIS ADVENTURES ON A SECRET MISSION FOR QUEEN -ELIZABETH. (38th thousand.) Illustrated by Frank T. Merrill. - -Library 12mo, cloth . . . $1.50 - -"A Gentleman Player" is a romance of the Elizabethan period. It relates -the story of a young gentleman who, in the reign of Elizabeth, falls so -low in his fortune that he joins Shakespeare's company of players, and -becomes a friend and protege of the great poet. - - - - - *WORKS OF - CHARLES G. D. ROBERTS* - - - -*Barbara Ladd.* With four illustrations by Frank Verbeck. - -Library 12mo, gilt top . . . $1.50 - -"From the opening chapter to the final page Mr. Roberts lures us on by -his rapt devotion to the changing aspects of Nature and by his keen and -sympathetic analysis of human character."--_Boston Transcript_. - - - -*The Kindred of the Wild.* A BOOK OF ANIMAL LIFE. With fifty-one -full-page plates and many decorations from drawings by Charles -Livingston Bull. - -Small quarto, decorative cover . . . $2.00 - -"Professor Roberts has caught wonderfully the elusive individualities of -which he writes. His animal stories are marvels of sympathetic science -and literary exactness. Bound with the superb illustrations by Charles -Livingston Bull, they make a volume which charms, entertains, and -informs."--New York World. - -"... Is in many ways the most brilliant collection of animal stories -that has appeared ... well named and well done."--_John Burroughs_. - - - -*The Forge in the Forest.* Being the Narrative of the Acadian Ranger, -Jean de Mer, Seigneur de Briart, and how he crossed the Black Abbe, and -of his Adventures in a Strange Fellowship. Illustrated by Henry -Sandham, R.C.A. - -Library 12mo, cloth, gilt top . . . $1.50 - -A romance of the convulsive period of the struggle between the French -and English for the possession of North America. The story is one of -pure love and heroic adventure, and deals with that fiery fringe of -conflict that waved between Nova Scotia and New England. The Expulsion -of the Acadians is foreshadowed in these brilliant pages, and the part -of the "Black Abbe's" intrigues in precipitating that catastrophe is -shown. - - - -*The Heart of the Ancient Wood.* With six illustrations by James L. -Weston. - -Library 12mo, decorative cover . . . $1.50 - -"One of the most fascinating novels of recent days."--_Boston Journal_. - -"A classic twentieth-century romance."--_New York Commercial -Advertiser_. - - - -*A Sister to Evangeline.* Being the story of Yvonne de Lamourie, and -how she went into Exile with the Villagers of Grand Pre. - -Library 12mo, cloth, gilt top, illustrated . . . $1.50 - -This is a romance of the great expulsion of the Acadians, which -Longfellow first immortalized in "Evangeline." Swift action, fresh -atmosphere, wholesome purity, deep passion, searching analysis, -characterize this strong novel. - - - -*By the Marshes of Minas.* - -Library 12mo, cloth, gilt top, illustrated . . . $1.50 - -This is a volume of romance, of love and adventure in that picturesque -period when Nova Scotia was passing from the French to the English -regime. Each tale is independent of the others, but the scenes are -similar, and in several of them the evil "Black Abbe"," well known from -the author's previous novels, again appears with his savages at his -heels--but to be thwarted always by woman's wit or soldier's courage. - - - -*Earth's Enigmas.* A new edition, with the addition of three new -stories, and ten illustrations by Charles Livingston Bull. - -Library 12mo, cloth, uncut edges . . . $1.50 - -"Throughout the volume runs that subtle questioning of the cruel, -predatory side of nature which suggests the general title of the book. -In certain cases it is the picture of savage nature ravening for -food--for death to preserve life; in others it is the secret symbolism -of woods and waters prophesying of evils and misadventures to come. All -this does not mean, however, that Mr. Roberts is either pessimistic or -morbid--it is nature in his books after all, wholesome in her cruel -moods as in her tender."--_The New York Independent_. - - - - - *WORKS OF - LILIAN BELL* - - - -*Hope Loring.* Illustrated by Frank T. Merrill. - -Library 12mo, cloth, decorative cover . . . $1.50 - -"Lilian Bell's new novel, 'Hope Loring,' does for the American girl in -fiction what Gibson has done for her in art. - -"Tall, slender, and athletic, fragile-looking, yet with nerves and -sinews of steel under the velvet flesh, frank as a boy and tender and -beautiful as a woman, free and independent, yet not bold--such is 'Hope -Loring,' by long odds the subtlest study that has yet been made of the -American girl."--_Dorothy Dix, in the New York American_. - - - -*Abroad with the Jimmies.* With a portrait, in duogravure, of the -author. - -Library 12mo, cloth, decorative cover . . . $1.50 - -"A deliciously fresh, graphic book. The writer is so original and -unspoiled that her point of view has value."--_Mary Hartwell -Catherwood_. - -"Full of ozone, of snap, of ginger, of swing and momentum."--_Chicago -Evening Post_. - -"... Is one of her best and cleverest novels ... filled to the brim with -amusing incidents and experiences. This vivacious narrative needs no -commendation to the readers of Miss Bell's well-known earlier -books."--_N. Y. Press_. - - - -*The Interference of Patricia.* With a frontispiece from drawing by -Frank T. Merrill. - -Small 12mo, cloth, decorative cover . . . $1.00 - -"There is life and action and brilliancy and dash and cleverness and a -keen appreciation of business ways in this story."--_Grand Rapids -Herald_. - -"A story full of keen and flashing satire."--_Chicago Record-Herald_. - - - -*A Book Of Girls.* With a frontispiece. - -Small 12mo, cloth, decorative cover . . . $1.00 - -"The stories are all eventful and have effective humor."--_New York -Sun_. - -"Lilian Bell surely understands girls, for she depicts all the -variations of girl nature so charmingly."--_Chicago Journal_. - -_The above two volumes boxed in special holiday dress, per set, $2.50_. - - - -*The Red Triangle.* Being some further chronicles of Martin Hewitt, -investigator. By ARTHUR MORRISON, author of "The Hole in the Wall," -"Tales of Mean Streets," etc. - -Library 12mo, cloth decorative . . . $1.50 - -This is a genuine, straightforward detective story of the kind that -keeps the reader on the _qui vive_. Martin Hewitt, investigator, might -well have studied his methods from Sherlock Holmes, so searching and -successful are they. - -"Better than Sherlock Holmes."--_New York Tribune_. - -"The reader who has a grain of fancy or imagination may be defied to lay -this book down, once he has begun it, until the last word has been -reached."--_Philadelphia North American_. - -"If you like a good detective story you will enjoy this."--_Brooklyn -Eagle_. - -"We have found 'The Red Triangle' a book of absorbing -interest."--_Rochester Herald_. - -"Will be eagerly read by every one who likes a tale of mystery."--_The -Scotsman, England_. - - - -*Prince Hagen.* By UPTON SINCLAIR, author of "King Midas," etc. - -Library 12mo, cloth decorative . . . . $1.50 - -In this book Mr. Sinclair has written a satire of the first order--one -worthy to be compared with Swift's biting tirades against the follies -and abuses of mankind. - -"A telling satire on politics and society in modern New -York."--_Philadelphia Public Ledger_. - -"The book has a living vitality and is a strong depiction of political -New York."--_Bookseller, Newsdealer, and Stationer_. - - - -*The Silent Maid.* By FREDERIC W. PANGBORN. - -Large 16mo, cloth decorative, with a frontispiece by Frank T. Merrill . -. . $1.00 - -A dainty and delicate legend of the brave days of old, of sprites and -pixies, of trolls and gnomes, of ruthless barons and noble knights. -"The Silent Maid" herself, with her strange bewitchment and wondrous -song, is equalled only by Undine in charm and mystery. - -"Seldom does one find a short tale so idyllic in tone and so fanciful in -motive. The book shows great delicacy of imagination."--_The -Criterion_. - - - -*The Spoilsmen.* By ELLIOTT FLOWER, author of "Policeman Flynn," etc. - -Library 12mo, cloth . . . $1.50 - -"The best one may hear of 'The Spoilsmen' will be none too good. As a -wide-awake, snappy, brilliant political story it has few equals, its -title-page being stamped with that elusive mark, 'success.' One should -not miss a word of a book like this at a time like this and in a world -of politics like this."--_Boston Transcript_. - -"Elliott Flower, whose 'Policeman Flynn' attested his acquaintance with -certain characteristic aspects of the American city, has written a novel -of municipal politics, which should interest many readers.... The -characters are obviously suggested by certain actual figures in local -politics, and while the conditions he depicts are general in large -cities in the United States, they will be unusually familiar to local -readers.... Ned Bell, the 'Old Man,' or political boss; Billy Ryan, his -lieutenant; 'Rainbow John,' the alderman, are likely to be -identified.... and other personages of the story are traceable to their -prototypes."--_Chicago Evening Post_. - - - -*Stephen Holton.* By CHARLES FELTON PIDGIN, author of "Quincy Adams -Sawyer," "Blennerhassett," etc. The frontispiece is a portrait of the -hero by Frank T. Merrill. - -One vol., library 12mo, cloth, gilt top . . . $1.50 - -"In the delineation of rural life, the author shows that intimate -sympathy which distinguished his first success, 'Quincy Adams -Sawyer.'"--_Boston Daily Advertiser_. - -"'Stephen Holton' stands as his best achievement."--_Detroit Free -Press_. - -"New England's common life seems a favorite material for this sterling -author, who in this particular instance mixes his colors with masterly -skill."--_Boston Globe_. - - - -*Asa Holmes;* OR, AT THE CROSS-ROADS. A Sketch of Country Life and -Country Humor. By ANNIE FELLOWS JOHNSTON. With a frontispiece by -Ernest Fosbery. - -Large 16mo, cloth, gilt top . . . $1.00 - -"'Asa Holmes; or, At the Cross-Roads' is the most delightful, most -sympathetic and wholesome book that has been published in a long while. -The lovable, cheerful, touching incidents, the descriptions of persons -and things are wonderfully true to nature."--_Boston Times_. - - - -*A Daughter Of Thespis.* By JOHN D. BARRY, author of "The Intriguers," -"Mademoiselle Blanche," etc. - -Library 12mo, cloth decorative . . . $1.50 - -"I should say that 'A Daughter of Thespis' seemed so honest about actors -and acting that it made you feel as if the stage had never been truly -written about before."--_W. D. Howells, in Harper's Weekly_. - -"This story of the experiences of Evelyn Johnson, actress, may be -praised just because it is so true and so wholly free from melodrama and -the claptrap which we have come to think inseparable from any narrative -which has to do with theatrical experiences."--_Professor Harry Thurston -Peck, of Columbia University_. - -"Certainly written from a close and shrewd observation of stage -life."--_Chicago Record-Herald_. - - - -*The Golden Dog:* A ROMANCE OF QUEBEC. By WILLIAM KIRBY. New -authorized edition, printed from new plates. Illustrated by J. W. -Kennedy. - -One vol., library 12mo, cloth . . . $1.25 - -"A powerful romance of love, intrigue, and adventure in the times of -Louis XV. and Madame de Pompadour, when the French colonies were making -their great struggle to retain for an ungrateful court the fairest -jewels in the colonial diadem of France. It is a most masterly picture -of the cruelties and the jealousies of a maiden, Angelique des -Melloises--fair as an angel and murderous as Medea. Mr. Kirby has shown -how false prides and ambitions stalked abroad at this time, how they -entered the heart of man to work his destruction, and particularly how -they influenced a beautiful demon in female form to continued -vengeances."--_Boston Herald_. - - - -*The Last Word*. By ALICE MACGOWAN. Illustrated with seven portraits -of the heroine. - -Library 12mo, cloth, gilt top . . . $1.50 - -"When one receives full measure to overflowing of delight in a tender, -charming, and wholly fascinating new piece of fiction, the enthusiasm is -apt to come uppermost. Miss MacGowan has been known before, but her -best gift has here declared itself."--_Louisville Post_. - -"The story begins and ends in Western Texas. Between chapters, there is -the ostensible autobiography of a girl who makes her way in New York -journalism. Out of it all comes a book, vivid, bright, original--one of -a kind and the kind most welcome to readers of the hitherto -conventional."--_New York World_. - - - -*The Captain's Wife.* By W. CLARK RUSSELL, author of "The Wreck of the -Grosvenor." With a frontispiece by C. H. Dunton. - -Library 12mo, cloth decorative . . . $1.50 - -"Mr. Russell's descriptions of the sea are vivid and full of color, and -he brings home to the reader the feeling that he is looking upon the -real thing drawn by one who has seen the scenes and writes from -knowledge."--_Brooklyn Eagle_. - -"Every page is readable and exciting."--_Baltimore Herald_. - -"This story may be considered as one of the best of his excellent tales -of the sea."--_Chicago Post_. - -"There are suggestions of Marryat in it, and reminders of Charles Reade, -but mostly it is Clark Russell, with his delightful descriptions and -irresistible sea yarns."--_Phila. North American_. - - - -*The Mate of the Good Ship York.* By W. CLARK RUSSELL, author of "The -Wreck of the Grosvenor," etc. With a frontispiece by C. H. Dunton. - -Library 12mo, cloth decorative . . . $1.50 - -"One of the breeziest, most absorbing books that have come to our table -is W. Clark Russell's 'The Mate of the Good Ship York.'"--_Buffalo -Commercial_. - -"For a rousing, absorbing, and, withal, a truthful tale of the sea, -commend me to W. Clark Russell. His novel, 'The Mate of the Good Ship -York,' is one of the best, and the love romance that runs through it -will be appreciated by every one."--_Philadelphia North American_. - -"Romantic adventures, hairbreadth escapes, and astounding achievements -keep things spinning at a lively rate and hold the reader's attention -throughout the breezy narrative."--_Toledo Blade_. - - - -*The Golden Kingdom.* By ANDREW BALFOUR, author of "Vengeance Is Mine," -"To Arms!" etc. - -Library 12mo, cloth decorative . . . $1.50 - -This is a story of adventure on land and sea, beginning in England and -ending in South Africa, in the last days of the seventeenth century. -The scheme of the tale at once puts the reader in mind of Stevenson's -"Treasure Island." - -"Every one imbued with the spirit of adventure and with a broad -imaginative faculty will want to read this tale."--_Boston Transcript_. - -"'The Golden Kingdom' is the rarest adventure book of them all."--_N. Y. -World_. - - - -*The Schemers: A Tale of Modern Life.* - -By EDWARD F. HARKINS, author of "Little Pilgrimages Among the Men Who -Have Written Famous Books," etc. With a frontispiece by Ernest Fosbery. - -Library 12mo, cloth . . . $1.50 - -A story of a new and real phase of social life in Boston, skilfully and -daringly handled. There is plenty of life and color abounding, and a -diversity of characters--shop-girls, society belles, men about town, -city politicians, and others. The various schemers and their schemes -will be followed with interest, and there will be some discerning -readers who may claim to recognize in certain points of the story -certain happenings in the shopping and the society circles of the Hub. - -"A faithful delineation of real shop-girl life."--_Milwaukee Sentinel_. - -"This comes nearer to the actual life of a modern American city, with -all its complexities, than any other work of American fiction. The book -shows an unusual power of observation and a still more unusual power to -concentrate and interpret what is observed."--_St. Louis Star_. - - - -*The Promotion of The Admiral.* By MORLEY ROBERTS, author of "The -Colossus," "The Fugitives," "Sons of Empire," etc. - -Library 12mo, cloth decorative, illustrated . . . $1.50 - -This volume contains half a dozen stories of sea life,--fresh, racy, and -bracing,--all laid in America,--stories full of rollicking, jolly, -sea-dog humor, tempered to the keen edge of wit. - -"If any one writes better sea stories than Mr. Roberts, we don't know -who it is; and if there is a better sea story of its kind than this it -would be a joy to have the pleasure of reading it."--_New York Sun_. - -"To read these stories is a tonic for the mind; the stories are gems, -and for pith and vigor of description they are unequalled."--_New York -Commercial Advertiser_. - -"There is a hearty laugh in every one of these stories."--_The Reader_. - -"Mr. Roberts treats the life of the sea in a way that is intensely real -and intensely human."--_Milwaukee Sentinel_. - -"The author knows his sea men from A to Z."--_Philadelphia North -American_. - - - - - - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LADY PENELOPE *** - - - - -A Word from Project Gutenberg - - -We will update this book if we find any errors. - -This book can be found under: http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/45648 - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so -the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. -Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this -license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg(tm) -electronic works to protect the Project Gutenberg(tm) concept and -trademark. 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