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diff --git a/4558.txt b/4558.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..36f53cd --- /dev/null +++ b/4558.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12119 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Barry Lyndon, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Barry Lyndon + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: October, 2003 [Etext #4558] +Posting Date: December 4, 2009 +[Last updated: August 19, 2012] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BARRY LYNDON *** + + + + +Produced by Steve Harris, Charles Franks and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +BARRY LYNDON + +By William Makepeace Thackeray + + +From The Works Of William Makepeace Thackeray + + +Edited By Walter Jerrold + + + +CONTENTS + + BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE + + I.--MY PEDIGREE AND FAMILY--UNDERGO THE INFLUENCE OF THE TENDER + PASSION + + II.--IN WHICH I SHOW MYSELF TO BE A MAN OF SPIRIT + + III.--I MAKE A FALSE START IN THE GENTEEL WORLD + + IV.--IN WHICH BARRY TAKES A NEAR VIEW OF MILITARY GLORY + + V.--IN WHICH BARRY TRIES TO REMOVE AS FAR FROM MILITARY GLORY AS + POSSIBLE + + VI.--THE CRIMP WAGGON--MILITARY EPISODES + + VII.--BARRY LEADS A GARRISON LIFE, AND FINDS MANY FRIENDS THERE + + VIII.--BARRY BIDS ADIEU TO THE MILITARY PROFESSION + + IX.--I APPEAR IN A MANNER BECOMING MY NAME AND LINEAGE + + X.--MORE RUNS OF LUCK + + XI.--IN WHICH THE LUCK GOES AGAINST BARRY + + XII.--CONTAINS THE TRAGICAL HISTORY OF THE PRINCESS OF X----- + + XIII.--I CONTINUE MY CAREER AS A MAN OF FASHION + + XIV.--I RETURN TO IRELAND, AND EXHIBIT MY SPLENDOUR AND GENEROSITY + IN THAT KINGDOM + + XV.--I PAY COURT TO MY LADY LYNDON + + XVI.--I PROVIDE NOBLY FOR MY FAMILY, AND ATTAIN THE HEIGHT OF MY + (SEEMING) GOOD FORTUNE + + XVII.--I APPEAR AS AN ORNAMENT OF ENGLISH SOCIETY + + XVIII.--IN WHICH MY GOOD FORTUNE BEGINS TO WAVER + + XIX.--CONCLUSION + + + + + +BARRY LYNDON + + + + +A BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE + +Barry Lyndon--far from the best known, but by some critics acclaimed as +the finest, of Thackeray's works--appeared originally as a serial a few +years before VANITY FAIR was written; yet it was not published in book +form, and then not by itself, until after the publication of VANITY +FAIR, PENDENNIS, ESMOND and THE NEWCOMES had placed its author in the +forefront of the literary men of the day. So many years after the event +we cannot help wondering why the story was not earlier put in book form; +for in its delineation of the character of an adventurer it is as great +as VANITY FAIR, while for the local colour of history, if I may put it +so, it is no undistinguished precursor of ESMOND. + +In the number of FRASER'S MAGAZINE for January 1844 appeared the first +instalment of 'THE LUCK OF BARRY LYNDON, ESQ., A ROMANCE OF THE LAST +CENTURY, by FitzBoodle,' and the story continued to appear month by +month--with the exception of October--up to the end of the year, when +the concluding portion was signed 'G. S. FitzBoodle.' FITZBOODLE'S +CONFESSIONS, it should be added, had appeared occasionally in the +magazine during the years immediately precedent, so that the pseudonym +was familiar to FRASER'S readers. The story was written, according to +its author's own words, 'with a great deal of dulness, unwillingness and +labour,' and was evidently done as the instalments were required, for in +August he wrote 'read for "B. L." all the morning at the club,' and four +days later of '"B. L." lying like a nightmare on my mind.' The journey +to the East--which was to give us in literary results NOTES OF A +JOURNEY FROM CORNHILL TO GRAND CAIRO--was begun with BARRY LYNDON yet +unfinished, for at Malta the author noted on the first three days of +November--'Wrote Barry but slowly and with great difficulty.' 'Wrote +Barry with no more success than yesterday.' 'Finished Barry after great +throes late at night.' In the number of Fraser's for the following +month, as I have said, the conclusion appeared. A dozen years later, in +1856, the story formed the first part of the third volume of Thackeray's +MISCELLANIES, when it was called MEMOIRS OF BARRY LYNDON, ESQ., WRITTEN +BY HIMSELF. Since then, it has nearly always been issued with other +matter, as though it were not strong enough to stand alone, or as though +the importance of a work was mainly to be gauged by the number of +pages to be crowded into one cover. The scheme of the present edition +fortunately allows fitting honour to be done to the memoirs of the great +adventurer. + +To come from the story as a whole to the personality of the eponymous +hero. Three widely-differing historical individuals are suggested as +having contributed to the composite portrait. Best known of these was +that very prince among adventurers, G. J. Casanova de Seingalt, a man +who in the latter half of the eighteenth century played the part of +adventurer--and generally that of the successful adventurer--in most of +the European capitals; who within the first five-and-twenty years of +his life had been 'abbe, secretary to Cardinal Aquaviva, ensign, and +violinist, at Rome, Constantinople, Corfu, and his own birthplace +(Venice), where he cured a senator of apoplexy.' His autobiography, +MEMOIRES ECRIT PAR LUI MEME (in twelve volumes), has been described +as 'unmatched as a self-revelation of scoundrelism.' It has also +been suggested, with I think far less colour of probability, that the +original of Barry was the diplomatist and satiric poet Sir Charles +Hanbury Williams, whom Dr Johnson described as 'our lively and elegant +though too licentious lyrick bard.' The third original, and one who, +there cannot be the slightest doubt, contributed features to the great +portrait, is a certain Andrew Robinson Stoney, afterwards Stoney-Bowes. + +The original of the Countess Lyndon was Mary Eleanor Bowes, Dowager +Countess of Strathmore, and heiress of a very wealthy Durham family. +This lady had many suitors, but in 1777 Stoney, a bankrupt lieutenant on +half pay, who had fought a duel on her behalf, induced her to marry him, +and subsequently hyphenated her name with his own. He became member +of Parliament, and ran such extravagant courses as does Barry Lyndon, +treated his wife with similar barbarity, abducted her when she had +escaped from him, and then, after being divorced, found his way to +a debtors' prison. There are similarities here which no seeker after +originals can overlook. Mrs Ritchie says that her father had a friend +at Paris, 'a Mr Bowes, who may have first told him this history of which +the details are almost incredible, as quoted from the papers of the +time.' The name of Thackeray's friend is a curious coincidence, unless, +as may well have been the case, he was a connection of the family into +which the notorious adventurer had married. It is not unlikely +that Thackeray had seen the work published in 1810--the year of +Stoney-Bowes's death--in which the whole unhappy romance was set forth. +This was 'THE LIVES OF ANDREW ROBINSON BOWES ESQ., and THE COUNTESS OF +STRATHMORE. Written from thirty-three years' Professional Attendance, +from letters and other well authenticated Documents by Jesse Foot, +Surgeon.' In this book we find several incidents similar to ones in +the story. Bowes cut down all the timber on his wife's estate, but +'the neighbours would not buy it.' Such practical jokes as Barry Lyndon +played upon his son's tutor were played by Bowes on his chaplain. The +story of Stoney and his marriage will be found briefly given in the +notice of the Countess's life in the DICTIONARY OF NATIONAL BIOGRAPHY. + +Whence that part of the romantic interlude dealing with the stay in +the Duchy of X----, dealt with in chapter x., etc., was inspired, +Thackeray's own note\books (as quoted by Mrs Ritchie) conclusively show: +'January 4,1844. Read in a silly book called L'EMPIRE, a good story +about the first K. of Wurtemberg's wife; killed by her husband for +adultery. Frederic William, born in 1734 (?), m. in 1780 the Princess +Caroline of Brunswick Wolfenbuttel, who died the 27th September 1788. +For the rest of the story see L'EMPIRE, OU DIX ANS SOUS NAPOLEON, PAR UN +CHAMBELLAN: Paris, Allardin, 1836; vol. i. 220.' The 'Captain Freny' to +whom Barry owed his adventures on his journey to Dublin (chapter iii.) +was a notorious highwayman, on whose doings Thackeray had enlarged in +the fifteenth chapter of his IRISH SKETCH BOOK. + +Despite the slowness with which it was written, and the seeming neglect +with which it was permitted to remain unreprinted, BARRY LYNDON was +to be hailed by competent critics as one of Thackeray's finest +performances, though the author himself seems to have had no strong +regard for the story. His daughter has recorded, 'My father once said +to me when I was a girl: "You needn't read BARRY LYNDON, you won't like +it." Indeed, it is scarcely a book to LIKE, but one to admire and to +wonder at for its consummate power and mastery.' Another novelist, +Anthony Trollope, has said of it: 'In imagination, language, +construction, and general literary capacity, Thackeray never did +anything more remarkable than BARRY LYNDON.' Mr Leslie Stephen says: +'All later critics have recognised in this book one of his most powerful +performances. In directness and vigour he never surpassed it.' + +W.J. + + + + + +THE MEMOIRES OF BARRY LYNDON, ESQ. + + + +CHAPTER I. MY PEDIGREE AND FAMILY--UNDERGO THE INFLUENCE OF THE TENDER +PASSION + + +Since the days of Adam, there has been hardly a mischief done in this +world but a woman has been at the bottom of it. Ever since ours was +a family (and that must be very NEAR Adam's time,--so old, noble, and +illustrious are the Barrys, as everybody knows) women have played a +mighty part with the destinies of our race. + +I presume that there is no gentleman in Europe that has not heard of +the house of Barry of Barryogue, of the kingdom of Ireland, than which a +more famous name is not to be found in Gwillim or D'Hozier; and though, +as a man of the world, I have learned to despise heartily the claims +of some PRETENDERS to high birth who have no more genealogy than the +lacquey who cleans my boots, and though I laugh to utter scorn the +boasting of many of my countrymen, who are all for descending from kings +of Ireland, and talk of a domain no bigger than would feed a pig as if +it were a principality; yet truth compels me to assert that my family +was the noblest of the island, and, perhaps, of the universal world; +while their possessions, now insignificant and torn from us by war, by +treachery, by the loss of time, by ancestral extravagance, by adhesion +to the old faith and monarch, were formerly prodigious, and embraced +many counties, at a time when Ireland was vastly more prosperous than +now. I would assume the Irish crown over my coat-of-arms, but that there +are so many silly pretenders to that distinction who bear it and render +it common. + +Who knows, but for the fault of a woman, I might have been wearing +it now? You start with incredulity. I say, why not? Had there been a +gallant chief to lead my countrymen, instead or puling knaves who bent +the knee to King Richard II., they might have been freemen; had there +been a resolute leader to meet the murderous ruffian Oliver Cromwell, we +should have shaken off the English for ever. But there was no Barry in +the field against the usurper; on the contrary, my ancestor, Simon de +Bary, came over with the first-named monarch, and married the daughter +of the then King of Munster, whose sons in battle he pitilessly slew. + +In Oliver's time it was too late for a chief of the name of Barry +to lift up his war-cry against that of the murderous brewer. We were +princes of the land no longer; our unhappy race had lost its possessions +a century previously, and by the most shameful treason. This I know to +be the fact, for my mother has often told me the story, and besides had +worked it in a worsted pedigree which hung up in the yellow saloon at +Barryville where we lived. + +That very estate which the Lyndons now possess in Ireland was once the +property of my race. Rory Barry of Barryogue owned it in Elizabeth's +time, and half Munster beside. The Barry was always in feud with the +O'Mahonys in those times; and, as it happened, a certain English colonel +passed through the former's country with a body of men-at-arms, on the +very day when the O'Mahonys had made an inroad upon our territories, and +carried off a frightful plunder of our flocks and herds. + +This young Englishman, whose name was Roger Lyndon, Linden, or Lyndaine, +having been most hospitably received by the Barry, and finding him just +on the point of carrying an inroad into the O'Mahonys' land, offered +the aid of himself and his lances, and behaved himself so well, as it +appeared, that the O'Mahonys were entirely overcome, all the Barrys' +property restored, and with it, says the old chronicle, twice as much of +the O'Mahonys' goods and cattle. + +It was the setting in of the winter season, and the young soldier was +pressed by the Barry not to quit his house of Barryogue, and remained +there during several months, his men being quartered with Barry's own +gallowglasses, man by man in the cottages round about. They conducted +themselves, as is their wont, with the most intolerable insolence +towards the Irish; so much so, that fights and murders continually +ensued, and the people vowed to destroy them. + +The Barry's son (from whom I descend) was as hostile to the English as +any other man on his domain; and, as they would not go when bidden, he +and his friends consulted together and determined on destroying these +English to a man. + +But they had let a woman into their plot, and this was the Barry's +daughter. She was in love with the English Lyndon, and broke the whole +secret to him; and the dastardly English prevented the just massacre of +themselves by falling on the Irish, and destroying Phaudrig Barry, my +ancestor, and many hundreds of his men. The cross at Barrycross near +Carrignadihioul is the spot where the odious butchery took place. + +Lyndon married the daughter of Roderick Barry, and claimed the estate +which he left: and though the descendants of Phaudrig were alive, as +indeed they are in my person,[Footnote: As we have never been able to +find proofs of the marriage of my ancestor Phaudrig with his wife, +I make no doubt that Lyndon destroyed the contract, and murdered the +priest and witnesses of the marriage.--B. L.] on appealing to the +English courts, the estate was awarded to the Englishman, as has ever +been the case where English and Irish were concerned. + +Thus, had it not been for the weakness of a woman, I should have been +born to the possession of those very estates which afterwards came to me +by merit, as you shall hear. But to proceed with my family, history. + +My father was well known to the best circles in this kingdom, as in that +of Ireland, under the name of Roaring Harry Barry. He was bred like many +other young sons of genteel families to the profession of the law, being +articled to a celebrated attorney of Sackville Street in the city of +Dublin; and, from his great genius and aptitude for learning, there is +no doubt he would have made an eminent figure in his profession, had not +his social qualities, love of field-sports, and extraordinary graces +of manner, marked him out for a higher sphere. While he was attorney's +clerk he kept seven race-horses, and hunted regularly both with the +Kildare and Wicklow hunts; and rode on his grey horse Endymion that +famous match against Captain Punter, which is still remembered by lovers +of the sport, and of which I caused a splendid picture to be made and +hung over my dining-hall mantelpiece at Castle Lyndon. A year afterwards +he had the honour of riding that very horse Endymion before his late +Majesty King George II. at New-market, and won the plate there and the +attention of the august sovereign. + +Although he was only the second son of our family, my dear father came +naturally into the estate (now miserably reduced to L400 a year); for my +grandfather's eldest son Cornelius Barry (called the Chevalier Borgne, +from a wound which he received in Germany) remained constant to the old +religion in which our family was educated, and not only served abroad +with credit, but against His Most Sacred Majesty George II. in the +unhappy Scotch disturbances in '45. We shall hear more of the Chevalier +hereafter. + +For the conversion of my father I have to thank my dear mother, Miss +Bell Brady, daughter of Ulysses Brady of Castle Brady, county Kerry, +Esquire and J.P. She was the most beautiful woman of her day in Dublin, +and universally called the Dasher there. Seeing her at the assembly, +my father became passionately attached to her; but her soul was above +marrying a Papist or an attorney's clerk; and so, for the love of her, +the good old laws being then in force, my dear father slipped into my +uncle Cornelius's shoes and took the family estate. Besides the force of +my mother's bright eyes, several persons, and of the genteelest society +too, contributed to this happy change; and I have often heard my mother +laughingly tell the story of my father's recantation, which was solemnly +pronounced at the tavern in the company of Sir Dick Ringwood, Lord +Bagwig, Captain Punter, and two or three other young sparks of the +town. Roaring Harry won 300 pieces that very night at faro, and laid +the necessary information the next morning against his brother; but his +conversion caused a coolness between him and my uncle Corney, who joined +the rebels in consequence. + +This great difficulty being settled, my Lord Bagwig lent my father his +own yacht, then lying at the Pigeon House, and the handsome Bell Brady +was induced to run away with him to England, although her parents +were against the match, and her lovers (as I have heard her tell many +thousands of times) were among the most numerous and the most wealthy +in all the kingdom of Ireland. They were married at the Savoy, and my +grandfather dying very soon, Harry Barry, Esquire, took possession of +his paternal property and supported our illustrious name with credit in +London. He pinked the famous Count Tiercelin behind Montague House, he +was a member of 'White's,' and a frequenter of all the chocolate-houses; +and my mother, likewise, made no small figure. At length, after his +great day of triumph before His Sacred Majesty at Newmarket, Harry's +fortune was just on the point of being made, for the gracious monarch +promised to provide for him. But alas! he was taken in charge by another +monarch, whose will have no delay or denial,--by Death, namely, who +seized upon my father at Chester races, leaving me a helpless orphan. +Peace be to his ashes! He was not faultless, and dissipated all our +princely family property; but he was as brave a fellow as ever tossed +a bumper or called a main, and he drove his coach-and-six like a man of +fashion. + +I do not know whether His gracious Majesty was much affected by this +sudden demise of my father, though my mother says he shed some royal +tears on the occasion. But they helped us to nothing: and all that was +found in the house for the wife and creditors was a purse of ninety +guineas, which my dear mother naturally took, with the family plate, and +my father's wardrobe and her own; and putting them into our great coach, +drove off to Holyhead, whence she took shipping for Ireland. My father's +body accompanied us in the finest hearse and plumes money could buy; for +though the husband and wife had quarrelled repeatedly in life, yet at my +father's death his high-spirited widow forgot all her differences, gave +him the grandest funeral that had been seen for many a day, and erected +a monument over his remains (for which I subsequently paid), which +declared him to be the wisest, purest, and most affectionate of men. + +In performing these sad duties over her deceased lord, the widow spent +almost every guinea she had, and, indeed, would have spent a great deal +more, had she discharged one-third of the demands which the ceremonies +occasioned. But the people around our old house of Barryogue, although +they did not like my father for his change of faith, yet stood by him at +this moment, and were for exterminating the mutes sent by Mr. Plumer of +London with the lamented remains. The monument and vault in the church +were then, alas! all that remained of my vast possessions; for my father +had sold every stick of the property to one Notley, an attorney, and we +received but a cold welcome in his house--a miserable old tumble-down +place it was. [Footnote: In another part of his memoir Mr. Barry will +be found to describe this mansion as one of the most splendid palaces +in Europe; but this is a practice not unusual with his nation; and with +respect to the Irish principality claimed by him, it is known that Mr. +Barry's grandfather was an attorney and maker of his own fortune.] + +The splendour of the funeral did not fail to increase the widow Barry's +reputation as a woman of spirit and fashion; and when she wrote to her +brother Michael Brady, that worthy gentleman immediately rode across the +country to fling himself in her arms, and to invite her in his wife's +name to Castle Brady. + +Mick and Barry had quarrelled, as all men will, and very high words had +passed between them during Barry's courtship of Miss Bell. When he took +her off, Brady swore he would never forgive Barry or Bell; but coming +to London in the year '46, he fell in once more with Roaring Harry, and +lived in his fine house in Clarges Street, and lost a few pieces to +him at play, and broke a watchman's head or two in his company,--all +of which reminiscences endeared Bell and her son very much to the +good-hearted gentleman, and he received us both with open arms. Mrs. +Barry did not, perhaps wisely, at first make known to her friends what +was her condition; but arriving in a huge gilt coach with enormous +armorial bearings, was taken by her sister-in-law and the rest of the +county for a person of considerable property and distinction. For a +time, then, and as was right and proper, Mrs. Barry gave the law at +Castle Brady. She ordered the servants to and fro, and taught them, +what indeed they much wanted, a little London neatness; and 'English +Redmond,' as I was called, was treated like a little lord, and had a +maid and a footman to himself; and honest Mick paid their wages,--which +was much more than he was used to do for his own domestics,--doing +all in his power to make his sister decently comfortable under her +afflictions. Mamma, in return, determined that, when her affairs were +arranged, she would make her kind brother a handsome allowance for +her son's maintenance and her own; and promised to have her handsome +furniture brought over from Clarges Street to adorn the somewhat +dilapidated rooms of Castle Brady. + +But it turned out that the rascally landlord seized upon every chair and +table that ought by rights to have belonged to the widow. The estate to +which I was heir was in the hands of rapacious creditors; and the only +means of subsistence remaining to the widow and child was a rent-charge +of L50 upon my Lord Bagwig's property, who had many turf-dealings with +the deceased. And so my dear mother's liberal intentions towards her +brother were of course never fulfilled. + +It must be confessed, very much to the discredit of Mrs. Brady of Castle +Brady, that when her sister-in-law's poverty was thus made manifest, +she forgot all the respect which she had been accustomed to pay her, +instantly turned my maid and man-servant out of doors, and told Mrs. +Barry that she might follow them as soon as she chose. Mrs. Mick was of +a low family, and a sordid way of thinking; and after about a couple +of years (during which she had saved almost all her little income) the +widow complied with Madam Brady's desire. At the same time, giving way +to a just though prudently dissimulated resentment, she made a vow that +she would never enter the gates of Castle Brady while the lady of the +house remained alive within them. + +She fitted up her new abode with much economy and considerable taste, +and never, for all her poverty, abated a jot of the dignity which was +her due and which all the neighbourhood awarded to her. How, indeed, +could they refuse respect to a lady who had lived in London, frequented +the most fashionable society there, and had been presented (as she +solemnly declared) at Court? These advantages gave her a right which +seems to be pretty unsparingly exercised in Ireland by those natives who +have it,--the right of looking down with scorn upon all persons who have +not had the opportunity of quitting the mother-country and inhabiting +England for a while. Thus, whenever Madam Brady appeared abroad in a +new dress, her sister-in-law would say, 'Poor creature! how can it +be expected that she should know anything of the fashion?' And though +pleased to be called the handsome widow, as she was, Mrs. Barry was +still better pleased to be called the English widow. + +Mrs. Brady, for her part, was not slow to reply: she used to say +that the defunct Barry was a bankrupt and a beggar; and as for the +fashionable society which he saw, he saw it from my Lord Bagwig's +side-table, whose flatterer and hanger-on he was known to be. Regarding +Mrs. Barry, the lady of Castle Brady would make insinuations still more +painful. However, why should we allude to these charges, or rake up +private scandal of a hundred years old? It was in the reign of George +II that the above-named personages lived and quarrelled; good or bad, +handsome or ugly, rich or poor, they are all equal now; and do not the +Sunday papers and the courts of law supply us every week with more novel +and interesting slander? + +At any rate, it must be allowed that Mrs. Barry, after her husband's +death and her retirement, lived in such a way as to defy slander. For +whereas Bell Brady had been the gayest girl in the whole county of +Wexford, with half the bachelors at her feet, and plenty of smiles and +encouragement for every one of them, Bell Barry adopted a dignified +reserve that almost amounted to pomposity, and was as starch as any +Quakeress. Many a man renewed his offers to the widow, who had been +smitten by the charms of the spinster; but Mrs. Barry refused all offers +of marriage, declaring that she lived now for her son only, and for the +memory of her departed saint. + +'Saint forsooth!' said ill-natured Mrs. Brady. + +'Harry Barry was as big a sinner as ever was known; and 'tis notorious +that he and Bell hated each other. If she won't marry now, depend on it, +the artful woman has a husband in her eye for all that, and only waits +until Lord Bagwig is a widower.' + +And suppose she did, what then? Was not the widow of a Barry fit to +marry with any lord of England? and was it not always said that a woman +was to restore the fortunes of the Barry family? If my mother fancied +that SHE was to be that woman, I think it was a perfectly justifiable +notion on her part; for the Earl (my godfather) was always most +attentive to her: I never knew how deeply this notion of advancing my +interests in the world had taken possession of mamma's mind, until +his Lordship's marriage in the year '57 with Miss Goldmore, the Indian +nabob's rich daughter. + +Meanwhile we continued to reside at Barryville, and, considering the +smallness of our income, kept up a wonderful state. Of the half-dozen +families that formed the congregation at Brady's Town, there was not a +single person whose appearance was so respectable as that of the widow, +who, though she always dressed in mourning, in memory of her deceased +husband, took care that her garments should be made so as to set off her +handsome person to the greatest advantage; and, indeed, I think, +spent six hours out of every day in the week in cutting, trimming, +and altering them to the fashion. She had the largest of hoops and the +handsomest of furbelows, and once a month (under my Lord Bagwig's cover) +would come a letter from London containing the newest accounts of the +fashions there. Her complexion was so brilliant that she had no call to +use rouge, as was the mode in those days. No, she left red and white, +she said (and hence the reader may imagine how the two ladies hated each +other) to Madam Brady, whose yellow complexion no plaster could alter. +In a word, she was so accomplished a beauty, that all the women in the +country took pattern by her, and the young fellows from ten miles round +would ride over to Castle Brady church to have the sight of her. + +But if (like every other woman that ever I saw or read of) she was proud +of her beauty, to do her justice she was still more proud of her son, +and has said a thousand times to me that I was the handsomest young +fellow in the world. This is a matter of taste. A man of sixty may, +however, say what he was at fourteen without much vanity, and I must say +I think there was some cause for my mother's opinion. The good soul's +pleasure was to dress me; and on Sundays and holidays I turned out in a +velvet coat with a silver-hilted sword by my side and a gold garter at +my knee, as fine as any lord in the land. My mother worked me several +most splendid waistcoats, and I had plenty of lace for my ruffles, and +a fresh riband to my hair, and as we walked to church on Sundays, even +envious Mrs. Brady was found to allow that there was not a prettier pair +in the kingdom. + +Of course, too, the lady of Castle Brady used to sneer, because on these +occasions a certain Tim, who used to be called my valet, followed me and +my mother to church, carrying a huge prayer-book and a cane, and dressed +in the livery of one of our own fine footmen from Clarges Street, which, +as Tim was a bandy-shanked little fellow, did not exactly become him. +But, though poor, we were gentlefolks, and not to be sneered out of +these becoming appendages to our rank; and so would march up the aisle +to our pew with as much state and gravity as the Lord Lieutenant's lady +and son might do. When there, my mother would give the responses and +amens in a loud dignified voice that was delightful to hear, and, +besides, had a fine loud voice for singing, which art she had perfected +in London under a fashionable teacher; and she would exercise her talent +in such a way that you would hardly hear any other voice of the little +congregation which chose to join in the psalm. In fact, my mother had +great gifts in every way, and believed herself to be one of the most +beautiful, accomplished, and meritorious persons in the world. Often and +often has she talked to me and the neighbours regarding her own humility +and piety, pointing them out in such a way that I would defy the most +obstinate to disbelieve her. + +When we left Castle Brady we came to occupy a house in Brady's town, +which mamma christened Barryville. I confess it was but a small place, +but, indeed, we made the most of it. I have mentioned the family +pedigree which hung up in the drawingroom, which mamma called the yellow +saloon, and my bedroom was called the pink bedroom, and hers the orange +tawny apartment (how well I remember them all!); and at dinner-time Tim +regularly rang a great bell, and we each had a silver tankard to drink +from, and mother boasted with justice that I had as good a bottle of +claret by my side as any squire of the land. So indeed I had, but I was +not, of course, allowed at my tender years to drink any of the wine; +which thus attained a considerable age, even in the decanter. + +Uncle Brady (in spite of the family quarrel) found out the above fact +one day by calling at Barryville at dinner-time, and unluckily tasting +the liquor. You should have seen how he sputtered and made faces! But +the honest gentleman was not particular about his wine, or the company +in which he drank it. He would get drunk, indeed, with the parson or the +priest indifferently; with the latter, much to my mother's indignation, +for, as a true blue Nassauite, she heartily despised all those of the +old faith, and would scarcely sit down in the room with a benighted +Papist. But the squire had no such scruples; he was, indeed, one of the +easiest, idlest, and best-natured fellows that ever lived, and many +an hour would he pass with the lonely widow when he was tired of Madam +Brady at home. He liked me, he said, as much as one of his own sons, +and at length, after the widow had held out for a couple of years, she +agreed to allow me to return to the castle; though, for herself, +she resolutely kept the oath which she had made with regard to her +sister-in-law. + +The very first day I returned to Castle Brady my trials may be said, +in a manner, to have begun. My cousin, Master Mick, a huge monster of +nineteen (who hated me, and I promise you I returned the compliment), +insulted me at dinner about my mother's poverty, and made all the girls +of the family titter. So when we went to the stables, whither Mick +always went for his pipe of tobacco after dinner, I told him a piece of +my mind, and there was a fight for at least ten minutes, during which I +stood to him like a man, and blacked his left eye, though I was myself +only twelve years old at the time. Of course he beat me, but a beating +makes only a small impression on a lad of that tender age, as I had +proved many times in battles with the ragged Brady's Town boys before, +not one of whom, at my time of life, was my match. My uncle was very +much pleased when he heard of my gallantry; my cousin Nora brought brown +paper and vinegar for my nose, and I went home that night with a pint of +claret under my girdle, not a little proud, let me tell you, at having +held my own against Mick so long. + +And though he persisted in his bad treatment of me, and used to cane +me whenever I fell in his way, yet I was very happy now at Castle +Brady with the company there, and my cousins, or some of them, and the +kindness of my uncle, with whom I became a prodigious favourite. He +bought a colt for me, and taught me to ride. He took me out coursing and +fowling, and instructed me to shoot flying. And at length I was released +from Mick's persecution, for his brother, Master Ulick, returning from +Trinity College, and hating his elder brother, as is mostly the way in +families of fashion, took me under his protection; and from that time, +as Ulick was a deal bigger and stronger than Mick, I, English Redmond, +as I was called, was left alone; except when the former thought fit to +thrash me, which he did whenever he thought proper. + +Nor was my learning neglected in the ornamental parts, for I had +an uncommon natural genius for many things, and soon topped in +accomplishments most of the persons around me. I had a quick ear and a +fine voice, which my mother cultivated to the best of her power, and +she taught me to step a minuet gravely and gracefully, and thus laid +the foundation of my future success in life. The common dances I learned +(as, perhaps, I ought not to confess) in the servants' hall, which, +you may be sure, was never without a piper, and where I was considered +unrivalled both at a hornpipe and a jig. + +In the matter of book-learning, I had always an uncommon taste for +reading plays and novels, as the best part of a gentleman's polite +education, and never let a pedlar pass the village, if I had a penny, +without having a ballad or two from him. As for your dull grammar, +and Greek and Latin and stuff, I have always hated them from my youth +upwards, and said, very unmistakably, I would have none of them. + +This I proved pretty clearly at the age of thirteen, when my aunt Biddy +Brady's legacy of L100 came in to mamma, who thought to employ the sum +on my education, and sent me to Doctor Tobias Tickler's famous academy +at Ballywhacket--Backwhacket, as my uncle used to call it. But six +weeks after I had been consigned to his reverence, I suddenly made my +appearance again at Castle Brady, having walked forty miles from the +odious place, and left the Doctor in a state near upon apoplexy. The +fact was, that at taw, prison-bars, or boxing, I was at the head of the +school, but could not be brought to excel in the classics; and after +having been flogged seven times, without its doing me the least good +in my Latin, I refused to submit altogether (finding it useless) to an +eighth application of the rod. 'Try some other way, sir,' said I, when +he was for horsing me once more; but he wouldn't; whereon, and to defend +myself, I flung a slate at him, and knocked down a Scotch usher with a +leaden inkstand. All the lads huzza'd at this, and some or the servants +wanted to stop me; but taking out a large clasp-knife that my cousin +Nora had given me, I swore I would plunge it into the waistcoat of the +first man who dared to balk me, and faith they let me pass on. I slept +that night twenty miles off Ballywhacket, at the house of a cottier, who +gave me potatoes and milk, and to whom I gave a hundred guineas after, +when I came to visit Ireland in my days of greatness. I wish I had the +money now. But what's the use of regret? I have had many a harder bed +than that I shall sleep on to-night, and many a scantier meal than +honest Phil Murphy gave me on the evening I ran away from school. So six +weeks' was all the schooling I ever got. And I say this to let parents +know the value of it; for though I have met more learned book-worms in +the world, especially a great hulking, clumsy, blear-eyed old doctor, +whom they called Johnson, and who lived in a court off Fleet Street, +in London, yet I pretty soon silenced him in an argument (at 'Button's +Coffeehouse'); and in that, and in poetry, and what I call natural +philosophy, or the science of life, and in riding, music, leaping, +the small-sword, the knowledge of a horse, or a main of cocks, and the +manners of an accomplished gentleman and a man of fashion, I may say for +myself that Redmond Barry has seldom found his equal. 'Sir,' said I to +Mr. Johnson, on the occasion I allude to--he was accompanied by a Mr. +Buswell of Scotland, and I was presented to the club by a Mr. Goldsmith, +a countryman of my own--'Sir,' said I, in reply to the schoolmaster's +great thundering quotation in Greek, 'you fancy you know a great deal +more than me, because you quote your Aristotle and your Pluto; but can +you tell me which horse will win at Epsom Downs next week?--Can you run +six miles without breathing?--Can you shoot the ace of spades ten times +without missing? If so, talk about Aristotle and Pluto to me.' + +'D'ye knaw who ye're speaking to?' roared out the Scotch gentleman, Mr. +Boswell, at this. + +'Hold your tongue, Mr. Boswell,' said the old schoolmaster. 'I had no +right to brag of my Greek to the gentleman, and he has answered me very +well.' + +'Doctor,' says I, looking waggishly at him, 'do you know ever a rhyme +for ArisTOTLE?' + +'Port, if you plaise,' says Mr. Goldsmith, laughing. And we had SIX +RHYMES FOR ARISTOTLE before we left the coffee-house that evening. It +became a regular joke afterwards when I told the story, and at 'White's' +or the 'Cocoa-tree' you would hear the wags say, 'Waiter, bring me one +of Captain Barry's rhymes for Aristotle.' Once, when I was in liquor at +the latter place, young Dick Sheridan called me a great Staggerite, a +joke which I could never understand. But I am wandering from my story, +and must get back to home, and dear old Ireland again. + +I have made acquaintance with the best in the land since, and my +manners are such, I have said, as to make me the equal of them all; and, +perhaps, you will wonder how a country boy, as I was, educated amongst +Irish squires, and their dependants of the stable and farm, should +arrive at possessing such elegant manners as I was indisputably allowed +to have. I had, the fact is, a very valuable instructor in the person of +an old gamekeeper, who had served the French king at Fontenoy, and who +taught me the dances and customs, and a smattering of the language of +that country, with the use of the sword, both small and broad. Many +and many a long mile I have trudged by his side as a lad, he telling me +wonderful stories of the French king, and the Irish brigade, and Marshal +Saxe, and the opera-dancers; he knew my uncle, too, the Chevalier +Borgne, and indeed had a thousand accomplishments which he taught me in +secret. I never knew a man like him for making or throwing a fly, for +physicking a horse, or breaking, or choosing one; he taught me manly +sports, from birds'-nesting upwards, and I always shall consider Phil +Purcell as the very best tutor I could have had. His fault was drink, +but for that I have always had a blind eye; and he hated my cousin Mick +like poison; but I could excuse him that too. + +With Phil, and at the age of fifteen, I was a more accomplished man than +either of my cousins; and I think Nature had been also more bountiful to +me in the matter of person. Some of the Castle Brady girls (as you shall +hear presently) adored me. At fairs and races many of the prettiest +lasses present said they would like to have me for their bachelor; and +yet somehow, it must be confessed, I was not popular. + +In the first place, every one knew I was bitter poor; and I think, +perhaps, it was my good mother's fault that I was bitter proud too. I +had a habit of boasting in company of my birth, and the splendour of my +carriages, gardens, cellars, and domestics, and this before people who +were perfectly aware of my real circumstances. If it was boys, and they +ventured to sneer, I would beat them, or die for it; and many's the time +I've been brought home well-nigh killed by one or more of them, on what, +when my mother asked me, I would say was 'a family quarrel.' 'Support +your name with your blood, Reddy my boy,' would that saint say, with the +tears in her eyes; and so would she herself have done with her voice, +ay, and her teeth and nails. + +Thus, at fifteen, there was scarce a lad of twenty, for half-a-dozen +miles round, that I had not beat for one cause or other. There were the +vicar's two sons of Castle Brady--in course I could not associate with +such beggarly brats as them, and many a battle did we have as to +who should take the wall in Brady's Town; there was Pat Lurgan, the +blacksmith's son, who had the better of me four times before we came +to the crowning fight, when I overcame him; and I could mention a score +more of my deeds of prowess in that way, but that fisticuff facts are +dull subjects to talk of, and to discuss before high-bred gentlemen and +ladies. + +However, there is another subject, ladies, on which I must discourse, +and THAT is never out of place. Day and night you like to hear of it: +young and old, you dream and think of it. Handsome and ugly (and, faith, +before fifty, I never saw such a thing as a plain woman), it's the +subject next to the hearts of all of you; and I think you guess my +riddle without more trouble. LOVE! sure the word is formed on purpose +out of the prettiest soft vowels and consonants in the language, and +he or she who does not care to read about it is not worth a fig, to my +thinking. + +My uncle's family consisted of ten children; who, as is the custom in +such large families, were divided into two camps, or parties; the one +siding with their mamma, the other taking the part of my uncle in all +the numerous quarrels which arose between that gentleman and his lady. +Mrs. Brady's faction was headed by Mick, the eldest son, who hated me +so, and disliked his father for keeping him out of his property: while +Ulick, the second brother, was his father's own boy; and, in revenge, +Master Mick was desperately afraid of him. I need not mention the girls' +names; I had plague enough with them in after-life, Heaven knows; and +one of them was the cause of all my early troubles: this was (though to +be sure all her sisters denied it) the belle of the family, Miss Honoria +Brady by name. + +She said she was only nineteen at the time; but I could read the +fly-leaf in the family Bible as well as another (it was one of the three +books which, with the backgammon-board, formed my uncle's library), and +know that she was born in the year '37, and christened by Doctor Swift, +Dean of St. Patrick's, Dublin: hence she was three-and-twenty years old +at the time she and I were so much together. + +When I come to think about her now, I know she never could have been +handsome; for her figure was rather of the fattest, and her mouth of the +widest; she was freckled over like a partridge's egg, and her hair was +the colour of a certain vegetable which we eat with boiled beef, to +use the mildest term. Often and often would my dear mother make these +remarks concerning her; but I did not believe them then, and somehow +had gotten to think Honoria an angelical being, far above all the other +angels of her sex. + +And as we know very well that a lady who is skilled in dancing or +singing never can perfect herself without a deal of study in private, +and that the song or the minuet which is performed with so much graceful +ease in the assembly-room has not been acquired without vast labour +and perseverance in private; so it is with the dear creatures who are +skilled in coquetting. Honoria, for instance, was always practising, +and she would take poor me to rehearse her accomplishment upon; or the +exciseman, when he came his rounds, or the steward, or the poor curate, +or the young apothecary's lad from Brady's Town: whom I recollect +beating once for that very reason. If he is alive now I make him my +apologies. Poor fellow! as if it was HIS fault that he should be a +victim to the wiles of one of the greatest coquettes (considering her +obscure life and rustic breeding) in the world. + +If the truth must be told--and every word of this narrative of my life +is of the most sacred veracity--my passion for Nora began in a very +vulgar and unromantic way. I did not save her life; on the contrary, I +once very nearly killed her, as you shall hear. I did not behold her +by moonlight playing on the guitar, or rescue her from the hands of +ruffians, as Alfonso does Lindamira in the novel; but one day, after +dinner at Brady's Town, in summer, going into the garden to pull +gooseberries for my dessert, and thinking only of gooseberries, I pledge +my honour, I came upon Miss Nora and one of her sisters, with whom +she was friends at the time, who were both engaged in the very same +amusement. + +'What's the Latin for gooseberry, Redmond?' says she. She was always +'poking her fun,' as the Irish phrase it. + +'I know the Latin for goose,' says I. + +'And what's that?' cries Miss Mysie, as pert as a peacock. + +'Bo to you!' says I (for I had never a want of wit); and so we fell to +work at the gooseberry-bush, laughing and talking as happy as might be. +In the course of our diversion Nora managed to scratch her arm, and it +bled, and she screamed, and it was mighty round and white, and I tied it +up, and I believe was permitted to kiss her hand; and though it was as +big and clumsy a hand as ever you saw, yet I thought the favour the +most ravishing one that was ever conferred upon me, and went home in a +rapture. + +I was much too simple a fellow to disguise any sentiment I chanced to +feel in those days; and not one of the eight Castle Brady girls but +was soon aware of my passion, and joked and complimented Nora about her +bachelor. + +The torments of jealousy the cruel coquette made me endure were +horrible. Sometimes she would treat me as a child, sometimes as a man. +She would always leave me if ever there came a stranger to the house. + +'For after all, Redmond,' she would say, 'you are but fifteen, and you +haven't a guinea in the world.' At which I would swear that I would +become the greatest hero ever known out of Ireland, and vow that before +I was twenty I would have money enough to purchase an estate six times +as big as Castle Brady. All which vain promises, of course, I did not +keep; but I make no doubt they influenced me in my very early life, and +caused me to do those great actions for which I have been celebrated, +and which shall be narrated presently in order. + +I must tell one of them, just that my dear young lady readers may +know what sort of a fellow Redmond Barry was, and what a courage and +undaunted passion he had. I question whether any of the jenny-jessamines +of the present day would do half as much in the face of danger. + +About this time, it must be premised, the United Kingdom was in a state +of great excitement from the threat generally credited of a French +invasion. The Pretender was said to be in high favour at Versailles, +a descent upon Ireland was especially looked to, and the noblemen and +people of condition in that and all other parts of the kingdom showed +their loyalty by raising regiments of horse and foot to resist the +invaders. Brady's Town sent a company to join the Kilwangan regiment, of +which Master Mick was the captain; and we had a letter from Master +Ulick at Trinity College, stating that the University had also formed a +regiment, in which he had the honour to be a corporal. How I envied +them both! especially that odious Mick as I saw him in his laced scarlet +coat, with a ribbon in his hat, march off at the head of his men. He, +the poor spiritless creature, was a captain, and I nothing,--I who felt +I had as much courage as the Duke of Cumberland himself, and felt, too, +that a red jacket would mightily become me! My mother said I was too +young to join the new regiment; but the fact was, that it was she +herself who was too poor, for the cost of a new uniform would have +swallowed up half her year's income, and she would only have her boy +appear in a way suitable to his birth, riding the finest of racers, +dressed in the best of clothes, and keeping the genteelest of company. + +Well, then, the whole country was alive with war's alarums, the three +kingdoms ringing with military music, and every man of merit paying his +devoirs at the court of Bellona, whilst poor I was obliged to stay at +home in my fustian jacket and sigh for fame in secret. Mr. Mick came +to and fro from the regiment, and brought numerous of his comrades with +him. Their costume and swaggering airs filled me with grief, and Miss +Nora's unvarying attentions to them served to make me half wild. No one, +however, thought of attributing this sadness to the young lady's +score, but rather to my disappointment at not being allowed to join the +military profession. + +Once the officers of the Fencibles gave a grand ball at Kilwangan, to +which, as a matter of course, all the ladies of Castle Brady (and a +pretty ugly coachful they were) were invited. I knew to what tortures +the odious little flirt of a Nora would put me with her eternal +coquetries with the officers, and refused for a long time to be one of +the party to the ball. But she had a way of conquering me, against which +all resistance of mine was in vain. She vowed that riding in a coach +always made her ill. 'And how can I go to the ball,' said she, 'unless +you take me on Daisy behind you on the pillion?' Daisy was a good +blood-mare of my uncle's, and to such a proposition I could not for my +soul say no; so we rode in safety to Kilwangan, and I felt myself as +proud as any prince when she promised to dance a country-dance with me. + +When the dance was ended, the little ungrateful flirt informed me that +she had quite forgotten her engagement; she had actually danced the set +with an Englishman! I have endured torments in my life, but none like +that. She tried to make up for her neglect, but I would not. Some of the +prettiest girls there offered to console me, for I was the best dancer +in the room. I made one attempt, but was too wretched to continue, and +so remained alone all night in a state of agony. I would have played, +but I had no money; only the gold piece that my mother bade me always +keep in my purse as a gentleman should. I did not care for drink, or +know the dreadful comfort of it in those days; but I thought of killing +myself and Nora, and most certainly of making away with Captain Quin! + +At last, and at morning, the ball was over. The rest of our ladies went +off in the lumbering creaking old coach; Daisy was brought out, and Miss +Nora took her place behind me, which I let her do without a word. But we +were not half-a-mile out of town when she began to try with her coaxing +and blandishments to dissipate my ill-humour. + +'Sure it's a bitter night, Redmond dear, and you'll catch cold without a +handkerchief to your neck.' To this sympathetic remark from the pillion, +the saddle made no reply. + +'Did you and Miss Clancy have a pleasant evening, Redmond? You were +together, I saw, all night.' To this the saddle only replied by grinding +his teeth, and giving a lash to Daisy. + +'O mercy! you'll make Daisy rear and throw me, you careless creature +you: and you know, Redmond, I'm so timid.' The pillion had by this +got her arm round the saddle's waist, and perhaps gave it the gentlest +squeeze in the world. + +'I hate Miss Clancy, you know I do!' answers the saddle; 'and I only +danced with her because--because--the person with whom I intended to +dance chose to be engaged the whole night.' + +'Sure there were my sisters,' said the pillion, now laughing outright in +the pride of her conscious superiority; 'and for me, my dear, I had +not been in the room five minutes before I was engaged for every single +set.' + +'Were you obliged to dance five times with Captain Quin?' said I; and +oh! strange delicious charm of coquetry, I do believe Miss Nora Brady +at twenty-three years of age felt a pang of delight in thinking that she +had so much power over a guileless lad of fifteen. Of course she replied +that she did not care a fig for Captain Quin: that he danced prettily, +to be sure, and was a pleasant rattle of a man; that he looked well in +his regimentals too; and if he chose to ask her to dance, how could she +refuse him? + +'But you refused me, Nora.' + +'Oh! I can dance with you any day,' answered Miss Nora, with a toss +of her head; 'and to dance with your cousin at a ball, looks as if you +could find no other partner. Besides,' said Nora--and this was a +cruel, unkind cut, which showed what a power she had over me, and how +mercilessly she used it,--'besides, Redmond, Captain Quin's a man and +you are only a boy!' + +'If ever I meet him again,' I roared out with an oath, 'you shall see +which is the best man of the two. I'll fight him with sword or with +pistol, captain as he is. A man indeed! I'll fight any man--every man! +Didn't I stand up to Mick Brady when I was eleven years old?--Didn't I +beat Tom Sullivan, the great hulking brute, who is nineteen?--Didn't I +do for the Scotch usher? O Nora, it's cruel of you to sneer at me so!' + +But Nora was in the sneering mood that night, and pursued her sarcasms; +she pointed out that Captain Quin was already known as a valiant +soldier, famous as a man of fashion in London, and that it was mighty +well of Redmond to talk and boast of beating ushers and farmers' boys, +but to fight an Englishman was a very different matter. + +Then she fell to talk of the invasion, and of military matters +in general; of King Frederick (who was called, in those days, the +Protestant hero), of Monsieur Thurot and his fleet, of Monsieur Conflans +and his squadron, of Minorca, how it was attacked, and where it was; we +both agreed it must be in America, and hoped the French might be soundly +beaten there. + +I sighed after a while (for I was beginning to melt), and said how much +I longed to be a soldier; on which Nora recurred to her infallible 'Ah! +now, would you leave me, then? But, sure, you're not big enough for +anything more than a little drummer.' To which I replied, by swearing +that a soldier I would be, and a general too. + +As we were chattering in this silly way, we came to a place that has +ever since gone by the name of Redmond's Leap Bridge. It was an old high +bridge, over a stream sufficiently deep and rocky, and as the mare Daisy +with her double load was crossing this bridge, Miss Nora, giving a loose +to her imagination, and still harping on the military theme (I would lay +a wager that she was thinking of Captain Quin)--Miss Nora said, 'Suppose +now, Redmond, you, who are such a hero, was passing over the bridge, and +the inimy on the other side?' + +'I'd draw my sword, and cut my way through them.' + +'What, with me on the pillion? Would you kill poor me?' (This young lady +was perpetually speaking of 'poor me!') + +'Well, then, I'll tell you what I'd do. I'd jump Daisy into the river, +and swim you both across, where no enemy could follow us.' + +'Jump twenty feet! you wouldn't dare to do any such thing on Daisy. +There's the Captain's horse, Black George, I've heard say that Captain +Qui--' + +She never finished the word, for, maddened by the continual recurrence +of that odious monosyllable, I shouted to her to 'hold tight by my +waist,' and, giving Daisy the spur, in a minute sprang with Nora over +the parapet into the deep water below. I don't know why, now--whether +it was I wanted to drown myself and Nora, or to perform an act that +even Captain Quin should crane at, or whether I fancied that the enemy +actually was in front of us, I can't tell now; but over I went. The +horse sank over his head, the girl screamed as she sank and screamed as +she rose, and I landed her, half fainting, on the shore, where we were +soon found by my uncle's people, who returned on hearing the screams. I +went home, and was ill speedily of a fever, which kept me to my bed for +six weeks; and I quitted my couch prodigiously increased in stature, +and, at the same time, still more violently in love than I had been even +before. At the commencement of my illness, Miss Nora had been pretty +constant in her attendance at my bedside, forgetting, for the sake of +me, the quarrel between my mother and her family; which my good mother +was likewise pleased, in the most Christian manner, to forget. And, let +me tell you, it was no small mark of goodness in a woman of her haughty +disposition, who, as a rule, never forgave anybody, for my sake to give +up her hostility to Miss Brady, and to receive her kindly. For, like a +mad boy as I was, it was Nora I was always raving about and asking for; +I would only accept medicines from her hand, and would look rudely and +sulkily upon the good mother, who loved me better than anything else +in the world, and gave up even her favourite habits, and proper and +becoming jealousies, to make me happy. + +As I got well, I saw that Nora's visits became daily more rare: 'Why +don't she come?' I would say, peevishly, a dozen times in the day; +in reply to which query, Mrs. Barry would be obliged to make the best +excuses she could find,--such as that Nora had sprained her ankle, or +that they had quarrelled together, or some other answer to soothe me. +And many a time has the good soul left me to go and break her heart in +her own room alone, and come back with a smiling face, so that I should +know nothing of her mortification. Nor, indeed, did I take much pains to +ascertain it: nor should I, I fear, have been very much touched even had +I discovered it; for the commencement of manhood, I think, is the period +of our extremest selfishness. We get such a desire then to take wing +and leave the parent nest, that no tears, entreaties, or feelings +of affection will counter-balance this overpowering longing after +independence. She must have been very sad, that poor mother of +mine--Heaven be good to her!--at that period of my life; and has often +told me since what a pang of the heart it was to her to see all her care +and affection of years forgotten by me in a minute, and for the sake of +a little heartless jilt, who was only playing with me while she could +get no better suitor. For the fact is, that during the last four weeks +of my illness, no other than Captain Quin was staying at Castle Brady, +and making love to Miss Nora in form. My mother did not dare to break +this news to me, and you may be sure that Nora herself kept it a secret: +it was only by chance that I discovered it. + +Shall I tell you how? The minx had been to see me one day, as I sat up +in my bed, convalescent; she was in such high spirits, and so gracious +and kind to me, that my heart poured over with joy and gladness, and I +had even for my poor mother a kind word and a kiss that morning. I felt +myself so well that I ate up a whole chicken, and promised my uncle, who +had come to see me, to be ready against partridge-shooting, to accompany +him, as my custom was. + +The next day but one was a Sunday, and I had a project for that day +which I determined to realise, in spite of all the doctor's and my +mother's injunctions: which were that I was on no account to leave the +house, for the fresh air would be the death of me. + +Well, I lay wondrous quiet, composing a copy of verses, the first I ever +made in my life; and I give them here, spelt as I spelt them in those +days when I knew no better. And though they are not so polished and +elegant as 'Ardelia ease a Love-sick Swain,' and 'When Sol bedecks the +Daisied Mead,' and other lyrical effusions of mine which obtained me +so much reputation in after life, I still think them pretty good for a +humble lad of fifteen:-- + +THE ROSE OF FLORA. + +Sent by a Young Gentleman of Quality to Miss Brady, of Castle Brady. + + On Brady's tower there grows a flower, + It is the loveliest flower that blows,-- + At Castle Brady there lives a lady + (And how I love her no one knows): + Her name is Nora, and the goddess Flora + Presents her with this blooming rose. + +'O Lady Nora,' says the goddess Flora, + 'I've many a rich and bright parterre; + In Brady's towers there's seven more flowers, + But you're the fairest lady there: + Not all the county, nor Ireland's bounty, + Can projuice a treasure that's half so fair! + + What cheek is redder? sure roses fed her! + Her hair is maregolds, and her eye of blew + Beneath her eyelid is like the vi'let, + That darkly glistens with gentle jew? + The lily's nature is not surely whiter + Than Nora's neck is,--and her arrums too. + +'Come, gentle Nora,' says the goddess Flora, + 'My dearest creature, take my advice, + There is a poet, full well you know it, + Who spends his lifetime in heavy sighs,-- + Young Redmond Barry, 'tis him you'll marry, + If rhyme and raisin you'd choose likewise.' + +On Sunday, no sooner was my mother gone to church, than I summoned Phil +the valet, and insisted upon his producing my best suit, in which I +arrayed myself (although I found that I had shot up so in my illness +that the old dress was wofully too small for me), and, with my notable +copy of verses in my hand, ran down towards Castle Brady, bent upon +beholding my beauty. The air was so fresh and bright, and the birds sang +so loud amidst the green trees, that I felt more elated than I had been +for months before, and sprang down the avenue (my uncle had cut down +every stick of the trees, by the way) as brisk as a young fawn. My heart +began to thump as I mounted the grass-grown steps of the terrace, and +passed in by the rickety hall-door. The master and mistress were at +church, Mr. Screw the butler told me (after giving a start back at +seeing my altered appearance, and gaunt lean figure), and so were six of +the young ladies. + +'Was Miss Nora one?' I asked. + +'No, Miss Nora was not one,' said Mr. Screw, assuming a very puzzled, +and yet knowing look. + +'Where was she?' To this question he answered, or rather made believe +to answer, with usual Irish ingenuity, and left me to settle whether she +was gone to Kilwangan on the pillion behind her brother, or whether she +and her sister had gone for a walk, or whether she was ill in her room; +and while I was settling this query, Mr. Screw left me abruptly. + +I rushed away to the back court, where the Castle Brady stables stand, +and there I found a dragoon whistling the 'Roast Beef of Old England,' +as he cleaned down a cavalry horse. 'Whose horse, fellow, is that?' +cried I. + +'Feller, indeed!' replied the Englishman: 'the horse belongs to my +captain, and he's a better FELLER nor you any day.' + +I did not stop to break his bones, as I would on another occasion, for +a horrible suspicion had come across me, and I made for the garden as +quickly as I could. + +I knew somehow what I should see there. I saw Captain Quin and Nora +pacing the alley together. Her arm was under his, and the scoundrel was +fondling and squeezing the hand which lay closely nestling against his +odious waistcoat. Some distance beyond them was Captain Fagan of the +Kilwangan regiment, who was paying court to Nora's sister Mysie. + +I am not afraid of any man or ghost; but as I saw that sight my knees +fell a-trembling violently under me, and such a sickness came over me, +that I was fain to sink down on the grass by a tree against which I +leaned, and lost almost all consciousness for a minute or two: then +I gathered myself up, and, advancing towards the couple on the walk, +loosened the blade of the little silver-hilted hanger I always wore in +its scabbard; for I was resolved to pass it through the bodies of the +delinquents, and spit them like two pigeons. I don't tell what feelings +else besides those of rage were passing through my mind; what bitter +blank disappointment, what mad wild despair, what a sensation as if the +whole world was tumbling from under me; I make no doubt that my reader +hath been jilted by the ladies many times, and so bid him recall his own +sensations when the shock first fell upon him. + +'No, Norelia,' said the Captain (for it was the fashion of those times +for lovers to call themselves by the most romantic names out of novels), +'except for you and four others, I vow before all the gods, my heart has +never felt the soft flame!' + +'Ah! you men, you men, Eugenio!' said she (the beast's name was John), +'your passion is not equal to ours. We are like--like some plant I've +read of--we bear but one flower and then we die!' + +'Do you mean you never felt an inclination for another?' said Captain +Quin. + +'Never, my Eugenio, but for thee! How can you ask a blushing nymph such +a question?' + +'Darling Norelia!' said he, raising her hand to his lips. + +I had a knot of cherry-coloured ribands, which she had given me out of +her breast, and which somehow I always wore upon me. I pulled these out +of my bosom, and flung them in Captain Quin's face, and rushed out with +my little sword drawn, shrieking, 'She's a liar--she's a liar, Captain +Quin! Draw, sir, and defend yourself, if you are a man!' and with these +words I leapt at the monster, and collared him, while Nora made the air +echo with her screams; at the sound of which the other captain and Mysie +hastened up. + +Although I sprang up like a weed in my illness, and was now nearly +attained to my full growth of six feet, yet I was but a lath by the side +of the enormous English captain, who had calves and shoulders such as no +chairman at Bath ever boasted. He turned very red, and then exceedingly +pale at my attack upon him, and slipped back and clutched at his +sword--when Nora, in an agony of terror, flung herself round him, +screaming, 'Eugenio! Captain Quin, for Heaven's sake spare the child--he +is but an infant.' + +'And ought to be whipped for his impudence,' said the Captain; 'but +never fear, Miss Brady, I shall not touch him; your FAVOURITE is safe +from me.' So saying, he stooped down and picked up the bunch of ribands +which had fallen at Nora's feet, and handing it to her, said in a +sarcastic tone, 'When ladies make presents to gentlemen, it is time for +OTHER gentlemen to retire.' + +'Good heavens, Quin!' cried the girl; 'he is but a boy.' + +'I am a man,' roared I, 'and will prove it.' + +'And don't signify any more than my parrot or lap-dog. Mayn't I give a +bit of riband to my own cousin?' + +'You are perfectly welcome, miss,' continued the Captain, 'as many yards +as you like.' + +'Monster!' exclaimed the dear girl; 'your father was a tailor, and +you are always thinking of the shop. But I'll have my revenge, I will! +Reddy, will you see me insulted?' + +'Indeed, Miss Nora,' says I, 'I intend to have his blood as sure as my +name's Redmond.' + +'I'll send for the usher to cane you, little boy,' said the Captain, +regaining his self-possession; 'but as for you, miss, I have the honour +to wish you a good-day.' + +He took off his hat with much ceremony, made a low CONGE, and was just +walking off, when Mick, my cousin, came up, whose ear had likewise been +caught by the scream. + +'Hoity-toity! Jack Quin, what's the matter here?' says Mick; 'Nora in +tears, Redmond's ghost here with his sword drawn, and you making a bow?' + +'I'll tell you what it is, Mr. Brady,' said the Englishman: 'I have had +enough of Miss Nora, here, and your Irish ways. I ain't used to 'em, +sir.' + +'Well, well! what is it?' said Mick good-humouredly (for he owed Quin a +great deal of money as it turned out); 'we'll make you used to our ways, +or adopt English ones.' + +'It's not the English way for ladies to have two lovers' (the 'Henglish +way,' as the captain called it), 'and so, Mr. Brady, I'll thank you +to pay me the sum you owe me, and I'll resign all claims to this young +lady. If she has a fancy for schoolboys, let her take 'em, sir.' + +'Pooh, pooh! Quin, you are joking,' said Mick. + +'I never was more in earnest,' replied the other. + +'By Heaven, then, look to yourself!' shouted Mick. 'Infamous seducer! +infernal deceiver!--you come and wind your toils round this suffering +angel here--you win her heart and leave her--and fancy her brother won't +defend her? Draw this minute, you slave! and let me cut the wicked heart +out of your body!' + +'This is regular assassination,' said Quin, starting back; 'there's two +on 'em on me at once. Fagan, you won't let 'em murder me?' + +'Faith!' said Captain Fagan, who seemed mightily amused, 'you may settle +your own quarrel, Captain Quin;' and coming over to me, whispered, 'At +him again, you little fellow.' + +'As long as Mr. Quin withdraws his claim,' said I, 'I, of course, do not +interfere.' + +'I do, sir--I do,' said Mr. Quin, more and more flustered. + +'Then defend yourself like a man, curse you!' cried Mick again. 'Mysie, +lead this poor victim away--Redmond and Fagan will see fair play between +us.' + +'Well now--I don't--give me time--I'm puzzled--I--I don't know which way +to look.' + +'Like the donkey betwixt the two bundles of hay,' said Mr. Fagan drily, +'and there's pretty pickings on either side.' + + + + +CHAPTER II. I SHOW MYSELF TO BE A MAN OF SPIRIT + +During this dispute, my cousin Nora did the only thing that a lady, +under such circumstances, could do, and fainted in due form. I was in +hot altercation with Mick at the time, or I should have, of course, +flown to her assistance, but Captain Fagan (a dry sort of fellow this +Fagan was) prevented me, saying, 'I advise you to leave the young +lady to herself, Master Redmond, and be sure she will come to.' And so +indeed, after a while, she did, which has shown me since that Fagan +knew the world pretty well, for many's the lady I've seen in after times +recover in a similar manner. Quin did not offer to help her, you may be +sure, for, in the midst of the diversion, caused by her screaming, the +faithless bully stole away. + +'Which of us is Captain Quin to engage?' said I to Mick; for it was my +first affair, and I was as proud of it as of a suit of laced velvet. 'Is +it you or I, Cousin Mick, that is to have the honour of chastising this +insolent Englishman?' And I held out my hand as I spoke, for my heart +melted towards my cousin under the triumph of the moment. + +But he rejected the proffered offer of friendship. 'You--you!' said he, +in a towering passion; 'hang you for a meddling brat: your hand is in +everybody's pie. What business had you to come brawling and quarrelling +here, with a gentleman who has fifteen hundred a year?' + +'Oh,' gasped Nora, from the stone bench, 'I shall die: I know I shall. I +shall never leave this spot.' + +'The Captain's not gone yet,' whispered Fagan; on which Nora, giving him +an indignant look, jumped up and walked towards the house. + +'Meanwhile,' Mick continued, 'what business have you, you meddling +rascal, to interfere with a daughter of this house?' + +'Rascal yourself!' roared I: 'call me another such name, Mick Brady, and +I'll drive my hanger into your weasand. Recollect, I stood to you when I +was eleven years old. I'm your match now, and, by Jove, provoke me, and +I'll beat you like--like your younger brother always did.' That was a +home-cut, and I saw Mick turn blue with fury. + +'This is a pretty way to recommend yourself to the family,' said Fagan, +in a soothing tone. + +'The girl's old enough to be his mother,' growled Mick. + +'Old or not,' I replied: 'you listen to this, Mick Brady' (and I swore a +tremendous oath, that need not be put down here): 'the man that marries +Nora Brady must first kill me--do you mind that?' + +'Pooh, sir,' said Mick, turning away, 'kill you--flog you, you mean! +I'll send for Nick the huntsman to do it;' and so he went off. + +Captain Fagan now came up, and taking me kindly by the hand, said I was +a gallant lad, and he liked my spirit. 'But what Brady says is true,' +continued he; 'it's a hard thing to give a lad counsel who is in such +a far-gone state as you; but, believe me, I know the world, and if you +will but follow my advice, you won't regret having taken it. Nora Brady +has not a penny; you are not a whit richer. You are but fifteen, and +she's four-and-twenty. In ten years, when you're old enough to marry, +she will be an old woman; and, my poor boy, don't you see--though it's a +hard matter to see--that she's a flirt, and does not care a pin for you +or Quin either?' + +But who in love (or in any other point, for the matter of that) listens +to advice? I never did, and I told Captain Fagan fairly, that Nora might +love me or not as she liked, but that Quin should fight me before he +married her--that I swore. + +'Faith,' says Fagan, 'I think you are a lad that's likely to keep your +word;' and, looking hard at me for a second or two, he walked away +likewise, humming a tune: and I saw he looked back at me as he went +through the old gate out of the garden. When he was gone, and I was +quite alone, I flung myself down on the bench where Nora had made +believe to faint, and had left her handkerchief; and, taking it up, hid +my face in it, and burst into such a passion of tears as I would then +have had nobody see for the world. The crumpled riband which I had flung +at Quin lay in the walk, and I sat there for hours, as wretched as any +man in Ireland, I believe, for the time being. But it's a changeable +world! When we consider how great our sorrows SEEM, and how small they +ARE; how we think we shall die of grief, and how quickly we forget, I +think we ought to be ashamed of ourselves and our fickle-heartedness. +For, after all, what business has time to bring us consolation? I +have not, perhaps, in the course of my multifarious adventures and +experience, hit upon the right woman; and have forgotten, after a +little, every single creature I adored; but I think, if I could but have +lighted on the right one, I would have loved her for EVER. + +I must have sat for some hours bemoaning myself on the garden bench, for +it was morning when I came to Castle Brady, and the dinner-bell +clanged as usual at three o'clock, which wakened me up from my reverie. +Presently I gathered up the handkerchief, and once more took the riband. +As I passed through the offices, I saw the Captain's saddle was still +hanging up at the stable-door, and saw his odious red-coated brute of +a servant swaggering with the scullion-girls and kitchen-people. 'The +Englishman's still there, Master Redmond,' said one of the maids to me +(a sentimental black-eyed girl, who waited on the young ladies). 'He's +there in the parlour, with the sweetest fillet of vale; go in, and don't +let him browbeat you, Master Redmond.' + +And in I went, and took my place at the bottom of the big table, as +usual, and my friend the butler speedily brought me a cover. + +'Hallo, Reddy my boy!' said my uncle, 'up and well?--that's right.' + +'He'd better be home with his mother,' growled my aunt. + +'Don't mind her,' says Uncle Brady; 'it's the cold goose she ate at +breakfast didn't agree with her. Take a glass of spirits, Mrs. Brady, to +Redmond's health.' It was evident he did not know of what had happened; +but Mick, who was at dinner too, and Ulick, and almost all the girls, +looked exceedingly black, and the Captain foolish; and Miss Nora, who +was again by his side, ready to cry. Captain Fagan sat smiling; and I +looked on as cold as a stone. I thought the dinner would choke me: but +I was determined to put a good face on it, and when the cloth was drawn, +filled my glass with the rest; and we drank the King and the Church, +as gentlemen should. My uncle was in high good-humour, and especially +always joking with Nora and the Captain. It was, 'Nora, divide that +merry-thought with the Captain! see who'll be married first.' 'Jack +Quin, my dear boy, never mind a clean glass for the claret, we're short +of crystal at Castle Brady; take Nora's and the wine will taste none the +worse;' and so on. He was in the highest glee,--I did not know why. Had +there been a reconciliation between the faithless girl and her lover +since they had come into the house? + +I learned the truth very soon. At the third toast, it was always the +custom for the ladies to withdraw; but my uncle stopped them this time, +in spite of the remonstrances of Nora, who said, 'Oh, pa! do let us go!' +and said, 'No, Mrs. Brady and ladies, if you plaise; this is a sort of +toast that is drunk a great dale too seldom in my family, and you'll +plaise to receive it with all the honours. Here's CAPTAIN AND MRS. +JOHN QUIN, and long life to them. Kiss her, Jack, you rogue: for 'faith +you've got a treasure!' + +'He has already '----I screeched out, springing up. + +'Hold your tongue, you fool--hold your tongue!' said big Ulick, who sat +by me; but I wouldn't hear. + +'He has already,' I screamed, 'been slapped in the face this morning, +Captain John Quin; he's already been called coward, Captain John Quin; +and this is the way I'll drink his health. Here's your health, Captain +John Quin!' And I flung a glass of claret into his face. I don't know +how he looked after it, for the next moment I myself was under the +table, tripped up by Ulick, who hit me a violent cuff on the head as I +went down; and I had hardly leisure to hear the general screaming and +skurrying that was taking place above me, being so fully occupied with +kicks, and thumps, and curses, with which Ulick was belabouring me. 'You +fool!' roared he--' you great blundering marplot--you silly beggarly +brat' (a thump at each), 'hold your tongue!' These blows from Ulick, of +course, I did not care for, for he had always been my friend, and had +been in the habit of thrashing me all my life. + +When I got up from under the table all the ladies were gone; and I had +the satisfaction of seeing the Captain's nose was bleeding, as mine +was--HIS was cut across the bridge, and his beauty spoiled for ever. +Ulick shook himself, sat down quietly, filled a bumper, and pushed the +bottle to me. 'There, you young donkey,' said he, 'sup that; and let's +hear no more of your braying.' + +'In Heaven's name, what does all the row mean?' says my uncle. 'Is the +boy in the fever again?' + +'It's all your fault,' said Mick sulkily: 'yours and those who brought +him here.' + +'Hold your noise, Mick!' says Ulick, turning on him; 'speak civil of my +father and me, and don't let me be called upon to teach you manners.' + +'It IS your fault,' repeated Mick. 'What business has the vagabond here? +If I had my will, I'd have him flogged and turned out.' + +'And so he should be,' said Captain Quin. + +'You'd best not try it, Quin,' said Ulick, who was always my champion; +and turning to his father, 'The fact is, sir, that the young monkey has +fallen in love with Nora, and finding her and the Captain mighty sweet +in the garden to-day, he was for murdering Jack Quin.' + +'Gad, he's beginning young,' said my uncle, quite good-humouredly. +''Faith, Fagan, that boy's a Brady, every inch of him.' + +'And I'll tell you what, Mr. B.,' cried Quin, bristling up: 'I've been +insulted grossly in this 'OUSE. I ain't at all satisfied with these here +ways of going on. I'm an Englishman I am, and a man of property; and +I--I'--'If you're insulted, and not satisfied, remember there's two of +us, Quin,' said Ulick gruffly. On which the Captain fell to washing his +nose in water, and answered never a word. + +'Mr. Quin,' said I, in the most dignified tone I could assume, 'may +also have satisfaction any time he pleases, by calling on Redmond Barry, +Esquire, of Barryville.' At which speech my uncle burst out a-laughing +(as he did at everything); and in this laugh, Captain Fagan, much to my +mortification, joined. I turned rather smartly upon him, however, and +bade him to understand that as for my cousin Ulick, who had been my best +friend through life, I could put up with rough treatment from him; yet, +though I was a boy, even that sort of treatment I would bear from him +no longer; and any other person who ventured on the like would find me a +man, to their cost. 'Mr. Quin,' I added, 'knows that fact very well; and +if HE'S a man, he'll know where to find me.' + +My uncle now observed that it was getting late, and that my mother would +be anxious about me. 'One of you had better go home with him,' said he, +turning to his sons, 'or the lad may be playing more pranks.' But Ulick +said, with a nod to his brother, 'Both of us ride home with Quin here.' + +'I'm not afraid of Freny's people,' said the Captain, with a faint +attempt at a laugh; 'my man is armed, and so am I.' + +'You know the use of arms very well, Quin,' said Ulick; 'and no one can +doubt your courage; but Mick and I will see you home for all that.' + +'Why, you'll not be home till morning, boys. Kilwangan's a good ten mile +from here.' + +'We'll sleep at Quin's quarters,' replied Ulick: 'WE'RE GOING TO STOP A +WEEK THERE.' + +'Thank you,' says Quin, very faint; 'it's very kind of you.' + +'You'll be lonely, you know, without us.' + +'Oh yes, very lonely!' says Quin. + +'And in ANOTHER WEEK, my boy,' says Ulick (and here he whispered +something in the Captain's ear, in which I thought I caught the words +'marriage,' 'parson,' and felt all my fury returning again). + +'As you please,' whined out the Captain; and the horses were quickly +brought round, and the three gentlemen rode away. + +Fagan stopped, and, at my uncle's injunction, walked across the old +treeless park with me. He said that after the quarrel at dinner, he +thought I would scarcely want to see the ladies that night, in which +opinion I concurred entirely; and so we went off without an adieu. + +'A pretty day's work of it you have made, Master Redmond,' said +he. 'What! you a friend to the Bradys, and knowing your uncle to be +distressed for money, try and break off a match which will bring fifteen +hundred a year into the family? Quin has promised to pay off the four +thousand pounds which is bothering your uncle so. He takes a girl +without a penny--a girl with no more beauty than yonder bullock. +Well, well, don't look furious; let's say she IS handsome--there's no +accounting for tastes,--a girl that has been flinging herself at the +head of every man in these parts these ten years past, and MISSING them +all. And you, as poor as herself, a boy of fifteen--well, sixteen, if +you insist--and a boy who ought to be attached to your uncle as to your +father'-- + +'And so I am,' said I. + +'And this is the return you make him for his kindness! Didn't he harbour +you in his house when you were an orphan, and hasn't he given you +rent-free your fine mansion of Barryville yonder? And now, when his +affairs can be put into order, and a chance offers for his old age to +be made comfortable, who flings himself in the way of him and +competence?--You, of all others; the man in the world most obliged to +him. It's wicked, ungrateful, unnatural. From a lad of such spirit as +you are, I expect a truer courage.' + +'I am not afraid of any man alive,' exclaimed I (for this latter part of +the Captain's argument had rather staggered me, and I wished, of course, +to turn it--as one always should when the enemy's too strong); 'and it's +_I_ am the injured man, Captain Fagan. No man was ever, since the world +began, treated so. Look here--look at this riband. I've worn it in +my heart for six months. I've had it there all the time of the fever. +Didn't Nora take it out of her own bosom and give it me? Didn't she kiss +me when she gave it me, and call me her darling Redmond?' + +'She was PRACTISING,' replied Mr. Fagan, with a sneer. 'I know women, +sir. Give them time, and let nobody else come to the house, and they'll +fall in love with a chimney-sweep. There was a young lady in Fermoy'-- + +'A young lady in flames,' roared I (but I used a still hotter word). +'Mark this; come what will of it, I swear I'll fight the man who +pretends to the hand of Nora Brady. I'll follow him, if it's into the +church, and meet him there. I'll have his blood, or he shall have mine; +and this riband shall be found dyed in it. Yes, and if I kill him, I'll +pin it on his breast, and then she may go and take back her token.' This +I said because I was very much excited at the time, and because I had +not read novels and romantic plays for nothing. + +'Well,' says Fagan after a pause, 'if it must be, it must. For a young +fellow, you are the most blood-thirsty I ever saw. Quin's a determined +fellow, too.' + +'Will you take my message to him?' said I, quite eagerly. + +'Hush!' said Fagan: 'your mother may be on the look-out. Here we are, +close to Barryville.' + +'Mind! not a word to my mother,' I said; and went into the house +swelling with pride and exultation to think that I should have a chance +against the Englishman I hated so. + +Tim, my servant, had come up from Barryville on my mother's return from +church; for the good lady was rather alarmed at my absence, and anxious +for my return. But he had seen me go in to dinner, at the invitation of +the sentimental lady's-maid; and when he had had his own share of the +good things in the kitchen, which was always better furnished than ours +at home, had walked back again to inform his mistress where I was, and, +no doubt, to tell her, in his own fashion, of all the events that had +happened at Castle Brady. In spite of my precautions to secrecy, then, +I half suspected that my mother knew all, from the manner in which she +embraced me on my arrival, and received our guest, Captain Fagan. The +poor soul looked a little anxious and flushed, and every now and then +gazed very hard in the Captain's face; but she said not a word about the +quarrel, for she had a noble spirit, and would as lief have seen anyone +of her kindred hanged as shirking from the field of honour. What has +become of those gallant feelings nowadays? Sixty years ago a man was a +MAN, in old Ireland, and the sword that was worn by his side was at the +service of any gentleman's gizzard, upon the slightest difference. But +the good old times and usages are fast fading away. One scarcely every +hears of a fair meeting now, and the use of those cowardly pistols, in +place of the honourable and manly weapon of gentlemen, has introduced +a deal of knavery into the practice of duelling, that cannot be +sufficiently deplored. + +When I arrived at home I felt that I was a man in earnest, and welcoming +Captain Fagan to Barryville, and introducing him to my mother, in a +majestic and dignified way, said the Captain must be thirsty after his +walk, and called upon Tim to bring up a bottle of the yellow-sealed +Bordeaux, and cakes and glasses, immediately. + +Tim looked at the mistress in great wonderment: and the fact is, that +six hours previous I would as soon have thought of burning the house +down as calling for a bottle of claret on my own account; but I felt I +was a man now, and had a right to command; and my mother felt this too, +for she turned to the fellow and said, sharply, 'Don't you hear, you +rascal, what YOUR MASTER says! Go, get the wine, and the cakes and +glasses, directly.' Then (for you may be sure she did not give Tim the +keys of our little cellar) she went and got the liquor herself; and Tim +brought it in, on the silver tray, in due form. My dear mother poured +out the wine, and drank the Captain welcome; but I observed her hand +shook very much as she performed this courteous duty, and the bottle +went clink, clink, against the glass. When she had tasted her glass, +she said she had a headache, and would go to bed; and so I asked her +blessing, as becomes a dutiful son--(the modern BLOODS have given up the +respectful ceremonies which distinguished a gentleman in my time)--and +she left me and Captain Fagan to talk over our important business. + +'Indeed,' said the Captain,' I see now no other way out of the scrape +than a meeting. The fact is, there was a talk of it at Castle Brady, +after your attack upon Quin this afternoon, and he vowed that he would +cut you in pieces: but the tears and supplications of Miss Honoria +induced him, though very unwillingly, to relent. Now, however, matters +have gone too far. No officer, bearing His Majesty's commission, can +receive a glass of wine on his nose--this claret of yours is very good, +by the way, and by your leave we'll ring for another bottle--without +resenting the affront. Fight you must; and Quin is a huge strong +fellow.' + +'He'll give the better mark,' said I. 'I am not afraid of him.' + +'In faith,' said the Captain,' I believe you are not; for a lad, I never +saw more game in my life.' + +'Look at that sword, sir,' says I, pointing to an elegant silver-mounted +one, in a white shagreen case, that hung on the mantelpiece, under the +picture of my father, Harry Barry. 'It was with that sword, sir, that my +father pinked Mohawk O'Driscol, in Dublin, in the year 1740; with that +sword, sir, he met Sir Huddlestone Fuddlestone, the Hampshire baronet, +and ran him through the neck. They met on horseback, with sword and +pistol, on Hounslow Heath, as I dare say you have heard tell of, and +those are the pistols' (they hung on each side of the picture) 'which +the gallant Barry used. He was quite in the wrong, having insulted Lady +Fuddlestone, when in liquor, at the Brentford assembly. But, like a +gentleman, he scorned to apologise, and Sir Huddlestone received a ball +through his hat, before they engaged with the sword. I am Harry Barry's +son, sir, and will act as becomes my name and my quality.' + +'Give me a kiss, my dear boy,' said Fagan, with tears in his eyes. +'You're after my own soul. As long as Jack Fagan lives you shall never +want a friend or a second.' + +Poor fellow! he was shot six months afterwards, carrying orders to my +Lord George Sackville, at Minden, and I lost thereby a kind friend. But +we don't know what is in store for us, and that night was a merry one +at least. We had a second bottle, and a third too (I could hear the poor +mother going downstairs for each, but she never came into the parlour +with them, and sent them in by the butler, Mr. Tim): and we parted +at length, he engaging to arrange matters with Mr. Quin's second that +night, and to bring me news in the morning as to the place where the +meeting should take place. I have often thought since, how different my +fate might have been, had I not fallen in love with Nora at that early +age; and had I not flung the wine in Quin's face, and so brought on +the duel. I might have settled down in Ireland but for that (for Miss +Quinlan was an heiress, within twenty miles of us, and Peter Burke, +of Kilwangan, left his daughter Judy L700 a year, and I might have had +either of them, had I waited a few years). But it was in my fate to be +a wanderer, and that battle with Quin sent me on my travels at a very +early age: as you shall hear anon. + +I never slept sounder in my life, though I woke a little earlier than +usual; and you may be sure my first thought was of the event of the day, +for which I was fully prepared. I had ink and pen in my room--had I not +been writing those verses to Nora but the day previous, like a poor fond +fool as I was? And now I sat down and wrote a couple of letters more: +they might be the last, thought I, that I ever should write in my life. +The first was to my mother:-- + +'Honoured Madam'--I wrote--'This will not be given you unless I fall by +the hand of Captain Quin, whom I meet this day in the field of honour, +with sword and pistol. If I die, it is as a good Christian and a +gentleman,--how should I be otherwise when educated by such a mother as +you? I forgive all my enemies--I beg your blessing as a dutiful son. +I desire that my mare Nora, which my uncle gave me, and which I called +after the most faithless of her sex, may be returned to Castle Brady, +and beg you will give my silver-hiked hanger to Phil Purcell, the +gamekeeper. Present my duty to my uncle and Ulick, and all the girls of +MY party there. And I remain your dutiful son, + +'REDMOND BARRY.' + +To Nora I wrote:-- + +'This letter will be found in my bosom along with the token you gave me. +It will be dyed in my blood (unless I have Captain Quin's, whom I +hate, but forgive), and will be a pretty ornament for you on your +marriage-day. Wear it, and think of the poor boy to whom you gave it, +and who died (as he was always ready to do) for your sake. + +'REDMOND.' + +These letters being written, and sealed with my father's great silver +seal of the Barry arms, I went down to breakfast; where my mother was +waiting for me, you may be sure. We did not say a single word about what +was taking place: on the contrary, we talked of anything but that; about +who was at church the day before, and about my wanting new clothes now +I was grown so tall. She said I must have a suit against winter, +if--if--she could afford it. She winced rather at the 'if,' Heaven bless +her! I knew what was in her mind. And then she fell to telling me about +the black pig that must be killed, and that she had found the speckled +hen's nest that morning, whose eggs I liked so, and other such trifling +talk. Some of these eggs were for breakfast, and I ate them with a +good appetite; but in helping myself to salt I spilled it, on which she +started up with a scream. 'THANK GOD,' said she, 'IT'S FALLEN TOWARDS +ME.' And then, her heart being too full, she left the room. Ah! they +have their faults, those mothers; but are there any other women like +them? + +When she was gone I went to take down the sword with which my father had +vanquished the Hampshire baronet, and, would you believe it?--the brave +woman had tied A NEW RIBAND to the hilt: for indeed she had the courage +of a lioness and a Brady united. And then I took down the pistols, which +were always kept bright and well oiled, and put some fresh flints I +had into the locks, and got balls and powder ready against the Captain +should come. There was claret and a cold fowl put ready for him on the +sideboard, and a case-bottle of old brandy too, with a couple of little +glasses on the silver tray with the Barry arms emblazoned. In after +life, and in the midst of my fortune and splendour, I paid thirty-five +guineas, and almost as much more interest, to the London goldsmith who +supplied my father with that very tray. A scoundrel pawnbroker would +only give me sixteen for it afterwards; so little can we trust the +honour of rascally tradesmen! + +At eleven o'clock Captain Fagan arrived, on horseback, with a mounted +dragoon after him. He paid his compliments to the collation which my +mother's care had provided for him, and then said, 'Look ye, Redmond my +boy; this is a silly business. The girl will marry Quin, mark my words; +and as sure as she does you'll forget her. You are but a boy. Quin is +willing to consider you as such. Dublin's a fine place, and if you have +a mind to take a ride thither and see the town for a month, here are +twenty guineas at your service. Make Quin an apology, and be off.' + +'A man of honour, Mr. Fagan,' says I, 'dies, but never apologises. I'll +see the Captain hanged before I apologise.' + +'Then there's nothing for it but a meeting.' + +'My mare is saddled and ready,' says I; 'where's the meeting, and who's +the Captain's second?' + +'Your cousins go out with him,' answered Mr. Fagan. + +'I'll ring for my groom to bring my mare round,' I said, 'as soon as you +have rested yourself.' Tim was accordingly despatched for Nora, and I +rode away, but I didn't take leave of Mrs. Barry. The curtains of +her bedroom windows were down, and they didn't move as we mounted and +trotted off... BUT TWO HOURS AFTERWARDS, you should have seen her as she +came tottering downstairs, and heard the scream which she gave as she +hugged her boy to her heart, quite unharmed and without a wound in his +body. + +What had taken place I may as well tell here. When we got to the ground, +Ulick, Mick, and the Captain were already there: Quin, flaming in red +regimentals, as big a monster as ever led a grenadier company. The party +were laughing together at some joke of one or the other: and I must say +I thought this laughter very unbecoming in my cousins, who were met, +perhaps, to see the death of one of their kindred. + +'I hope to spoil this sport,' says I to Captain Fagan, in a great rage, +'and trust to see this sword of mine in yonder big bully's body.' + +'Oh! it's with pistols we fight,' replied Mr. Fagan. 'You are no match +for Quin with the sword.' + +'I'll match any man with the sword,' said I. + +'But swords are to-day impossible; Captain Quin is--is lame. He knocked +his knee against the swinging park-gate last night, as he was riding +home, and can scarce move it now.' + +'Not against Castle Brady gate,' says I: 'that has been off the hinges +these ten years.' On which Fagan said it must have been some other +gate, and repeated what he had said to Mr. Quin and my cousins, when, on +alighting from our horses, we joined and saluted those gentlemen. + +'Oh yes! dead lame,' said Ulick, coming to shake me by the hand, while +Captain Quin took off his hat and turned extremely red. 'And very lucky +for you, Redmond my boy,' continued Ulick; 'you were a dead man else; +for he is a devil of a fellow--isn't he, Fagan?' + +'A regular Turk,' answered Fagan; adding, 'I never yet knew the man who +stood to Captain Quin.' + +'Hang the business!' said Ulick; 'I hate it. I'm ashamed of it. Say +you're sorry, Redmond: you can easily say that.' + +'If the young FELLER will go to DUBLING, as proposed'--here interposed +Mr. Quin. + +'I am NOT sorry--I'll NOT apologise--and I'll as soon go to DUBLING as +to--!' said I, with a stamp of my foot. + +'There's nothing else for it,' said Ulick with a laugh to Fagan. 'Take +your ground, Fagan,--twelve paces, I suppose?' + +'Ten, sir,' said Mr. Quin, in a big voice; 'and make them short ones, do +you hear, Captain Fagan?' + +'Don't bully, Mr. Quin,' said Ulick surlily; 'here are the pistols.' And +he added, with some emotion, to me, 'God bless you, my boy; and when I +count three, fire.' + +Mr. Fagan put my pistol into my hand,--that is, not one of mine (which +were to serve, if need were, for the next round), but one of Ulick's. +'They are all right,' said he. 'Never fear: and, Redmond, fire at his +neck--hit him there under the gorget. See how the fool shows himself +open.' Mick, who had never spoken a word, Ulick, and the Captain retired +to one side, and Ulick gave the signal. It was slowly given, and I had +leisure to cover my man well. I saw him changing colour and trembling as +the numbers were given. At 'three,' both our pistols went off. I heard +something whizz by me, and my antagonist, giving a most horrible groan, +staggered backwards and fell. + +'He's down--he's down!' cried the seconds, running towards him. Ulick +lifted him up--Mick took his head. + +'He's hit here, in the neck,' said Mick; and laying open his coat, blood +was seen gurgling from under his gorget, at the very spot at which I +aimed. + +'How is it with you?' said Ulick. 'Is he really hit?' said he, looking +hard at him. The unfortunate man did not answer, but when the support +of Ulick's arm was withdrawn from his back, groaned once more, and fell +backwards. + +'The young fellow has begun well,' said Mick, with a scowl. 'You had +better ride off, young sir, before the police are up. They had wind of +the business before we left Kilwangan.' + +'Is he quite dead?' said I. + +'Quite dead,' answered Mick. + +'Then the world's rid of A COWARD,' said Captain Fagan, giving the huge +prostrate body a scornful kick with his foot. 'It's all over with him, +Reddy,--he doesn't stir.' + +'WE are not cowards, Fagan,' said Ulick roughly, 'whatever he was! Let's +get the boy off as quick as we may. Your man shall go for a cart, and +take away the body of this unhappy gentleman. This has been a sad day's +work for our family, Redmond Barry: you have robbed us of 1500(pounds) a +year.' + +'It was Nora did it,' said I; 'not I.' And I took the riband she gave me +out of my waistcoat, and the letter, and flung them down on the body of +Captain Quin. 'There!' says I--'take her those ribands. She'll know what +they mean: and that's all that's left to her of two lovers she had and +ruined.' + +I did not feel any horror or fear, young as I was, in seeing my enemy +prostrate before me; for I knew that I had met and conquered him +honourably in the field, as became a man of my name and blood. + +'And now, in Heaven's name, get the youngster out of the way,' said +Mick. + +Ulick said he would ride with me, and off accordingly we galloped, never +drawing bridle till we came to my mother's door. When there, Ulick told +Tim to feed my mare, as I would have far to ride that day; and I was in +the poor mother's arms in a minute. + +I need not tell how great were her pride and exultation when she heard +from Ulick's lips the account of my behaviour at the duel. He urged, +however, that I should go into hiding for a short time; and it was +agreed between them that I should drop my name of Barry, and, taking +that of Redmond, go to Dublin, and there wait until matters were blown +over. This arrangement was not come to without some discussion; for why +should I not be as safe at Barryville, she said, as my cousin and Ulick +at Castle Brady?--bailiffs and duns never got near THEM; why should +constables be enabled to come upon me? But Ulick persisted in the +necessity of my instant departure; in which argument, as I was anxious +to see the world, I must confess, I sided with him; and my mother was +brought to see that in our small house at Barryville, in the midst of +the village, and with the guard but of a couple of servants, escape +would be impossible. So the kind soul was forced to yield to my cousin's +entreaties, who promised her, however, that the affair would soon be +arranged, and that I should be restored to her. Ah! how little did he +know what fortune was in store for me! + +My dear mother had some forebodings, I think, that our separation was +to be a long one; for she told me that all night long she had been +consulting the cards regarding my fate in the duel: and that all the +signs betokened a separation; then, taking out a stocking from her +escritoire, the kind soul put twenty guineas in a purse for me (she had +herself but twenty-five), and made up a little valise, to be placed +at the back of my mare, in which were my clothes, linen, and a silver +dressing-case of my father's. She bade me, too, to keep the sword and +the pistols I had known to use so like a man. She hurried my departure +now (though her heart, I know, was full), and almost in half-an-hour +after my arrival at home I was once more on the road again, with the +wide world as it were before me. I need not tell how Tim and the cook +cried at my departure: and, mayhap, I had a tear or two myself in my +eyes; but no lad of sixteen is VERY sad who has liberty for the first +time, and twenty guineas in his pocket: and I rode away, thinking, I +confess, not so much of the kind mother left alone, and of the home +behind me, as of to-morrow, and all the wonders it would bring. + + + + +CHAPTER III. A FALSE START IN THE GENTEEL WORLD + +I rode that night as far as Carlow, where I lay at the best inn; and +being asked what was my name by the landlord of the house, gave it as +Mr. Redmond, according to my cousin's instructions, and said I was of +the Redmonds of Waterford county, and was on my road to Trinity +College, Dublin, to be educated there. Seeing my handsome appearance, +silver-hiked sword, and well-filled valise, my landlord made free to +send up a jug of claret without my asking; and charged, you may be sure, +pretty handsomely for it in the bill. No gentleman in those good old +days went to bed without a good share of liquor to set him sleeping, and +on this my first day's entrance into the world, I made a point to act +the fine gentleman completely; and, I assure you, succeeded in my part +to admiration. The excitement of the events of the day, the quitting my +home, the meeting with Captain Quin, were enough to set my brains in a +whirl, without the claret; which served to finish me completely. I did +not dream of the death of Quin, as some milksops, perhaps, would have +done; indeed, I have never had any of that foolish remorse consequent +upon any of my affairs of honour: always considering, from the first, +that where a gentleman risks his own life in manly combat, he is a fool +to be ashamed because he wins. I slept at Carlow as sound as man could +sleep; drank a tankard of small beer and a toast to my breakfast; and +exchanged the first of my gold pieces to settle the bill, not forgetting +to pay all the servants liberally, and as a gentleman should. I began +so the first day of my life, and so have continued. No man has been +at greater straits than I, and has borne more pinching poverty and +hardship; but nobody can say of me that, if I had a guinea, I was not +free-handed with it, and did not spend it as well as a lord could do. + +I had no doubts of the future: thinking that a man of my person, parts, +and courage, could make his way anywhere. Besides, I had twenty gold +guineas in my pocket; a sum which (although I was mistaken) I calculated +would last me for four months at least, during which time something +would be done towards the making of my fortune. So I rode on, singing +to myself, or chatting with the passers-by; and all the girls along the +road said God save me for a clever gentleman! As for Nora and Castle +Brady, between to-day and yesterday there seemed to be a gap as of +half-a-score of years. I vowed I would never re-enter the place but as a +great man; and I kept my vow too, as you shall hear in due time. + +There was much more liveliness and bustle on the king's highroad in +those times, than in these days of stage-coaches, which carry you from +one end of the kingdom to another in a few score hours. The gentry rode +their own horses or drove in their own coaches, and spent three days +on a journey which now occupies ten hours; so that there was no lack +of company for a person travelling towards Dublin. I made part of +the journey from Carlow towards Naas with a well-armed gentleman from +Kilkenny, dressed in green and a gold cord, with a patch on his eye, and +riding a powerful mare. He asked me the question of the day, and whither +I was bound, and whether my mother was not afraid on account of the +highwaymen to let one so young as myself to travel? But I said, pulling +out one of them from a holster, that I had a pair of good pistols that +had already done execution, and were ready to do it again; and here, a +pock-marked man coming up, he put spurs into his bay mare and left me. +She was a much more powerful animal than mine; and, besides, I did not +wish to fatigue my horse, wishing to enter Dublin that night, and in +reputable condition. + +As I rode towards Kilcullen, I saw a crowd of the peasant-people +assembled round a one-horse chair, and my friend in green, as I thought, +making off half a mile up the hill. A footman was howling 'Stop thief!' +at the top of his voice; but the country fellows were only laughing at +his distress, and making all sorts of jokes at the adventure which had +just befallen. + +'Sure you might have kept him off with your blunderBUSH!' says one +fellow. + +'Oh, the coward! to let the Captain BATE you; and he only one eye!' +cries another. + +'The next time my Lady travels, she'd better lave you at home!' said a +third. + +'What is this noise, fellows?' said I, riding up amongst them, and, +seeing a lady in the carriage very pale and frightened, gave a slash of +my whip, and bade the red-shanked ruffians keep off. 'What has happened, +madam, to annoy your Ladyship?' I said, pulling off my hat, and bringing +my mare up in a prance to the chair window. + +The lady explained. She was the wife of Captain Fitzsimons, and was +hastening to join the Captain at Dublin. Her chair had been stopped by a +highway-man: the great oaf of a servant-man had fallen down on his knees +armed as he was; and though there were thirty people in the next field +working when the ruffian attacked her, not one of them would help her; +but, on the contrary, wished the Captain, as they called the highwayman, +good luck. + +'Sure he's the friend of the poor,' said one fellow, 'and good luck to +him!' + +'Was it any business of ours?' asked another. And another told, +grinning, that it was the famous Captain Freny, who, having bribed the +jury to acquit him two days back at Kilkenny assizes, had mounted his +horse at the gaol door, and the very next day had robbed two barristers +who were going the circuit. + +I told this pack of rascals to be off to their work, or they should +taste of my thong, and proceeded, as well as I could, to comfort Mrs. +Fitzsimons under her misfortunes. 'Had she lost much?' 'Everything: her +purse, containing upwards of a hundred guineas; her jewels, snuff-boxes, +watches, and a pair of diamond shoe-buckles of the Captain's.' These +mishaps I sincerely commiserated; and knowing her by her accent to be +an Englishwoman, deplored the difference that existed between the +two countries, and said that in OUR country (meaning England) such +atrocities were unknown. + +'You, too, are an Englishman?' said she, with rather a tone of surprise. +On which I said I was proud to be such: as, in fact, I was; and I never +knew a true Tory gentleman of Ireland who did not wish he could say as +much. + +I rode by Mrs. Fitzsimon's chair all the way to Naas; and, as she had +been robbed of her purse, asked permission to lend her a couple of +pieces to pay her expenses at the inn: which sum she was graciously +pleased to accept, and was, at the same time, kind enough to invite +me to share her dinner. To the lady's questions regarding my birth and +parentage, I replied that I was a young gentleman of large fortune (this +was not true; but what is the use of crying bad fish? my dear mother +instructed me early in this sort of prudence) and good family in the +county of Waterford; that I was going to Dublin for my studies, and that +my mother allowed me five hundred per annum. Mrs. Fitzsimons was equally +communicative. She was the daughter of General Granby Somerset of +Worcestershire, of whom, of course, I had heard (and though I had not, +of course I was too well-bred to say so); and had made, as she must +confess, a runaway match with Ensign Fitzgerald Fitzsimons. Had I been +in Donegal?--No! That was a pity. The Captain's father possesses a +hundred thousand acres there, and Fitzsimonsburgh Castle's the finest +mansion in Ireland. Captain Fitzsimons is the eldest son; and, though he +has quarrelled with his father, must inherit the vast property. She went +on to tell me about the balls at Dublin, the banquets at the Castle, the +horse-races at the Phoenix, the ridottos and routs, until I became quite +eager to join in those pleasures; and I only felt grieved to think that +my position would render secrecy necessary, and prevent me from being +presented at the Court, of which the Fitzsimonses were the most elegant +ornaments. How different was her lively rattle to that of the vulgar +wenches at the Kilwangan assemblies! In every sentence she mentioned a +lord or a person of quality. She evidently spoke French and Italian, of +the former of which languages I have said I knew a few words; and, as +for her English accent, why, perhaps I was no judge of that, for, to +say the truth, she was the first REAL English person I had ever met. She +recommended me, further, to be very cautious with regard to the company +I should meet at Dublin, where rogues and adventurers of all countries +abounded; and my delight and gratitude to her may be imagined, when, as +our conversation grew more intimate (as we sat over our dessert), she +kindly offered to accommodate me with lodgings in her own house, where +her Fitzsimons, she said, would welcome with delight her gallant young +preserver. + +'Indeed, madam,' said I, 'I have preserved nothing for you.' Which was +perfectly true; for had I not come up too late after the robbery to +prevent the highwayman from carrying off her money and pearls? + +'And sure, ma'am, them wasn't much,' said Sullivan, the blundering +servant, who had been so frightened at Freny's approach, and was waiting +on us at dinner. 'Didn't he return you the thirteenpence in copper, and +the watch, saying it was only pinch-beck?' + +But his lady rebuked him for a saucy varlet, and turned him out of the +room at once, saying to me when he had gone, 'that the fool didn't +know what was the meaning of a hundred-pound bill, which was in the +pocket-book that Freny took from her.' + +Perhaps had I been a little older in the world's experience, I should +have begun to see that Madam Fitzsimons was not the person of fashion +she pretended to be; but, as it was, I took all her stories for truth, +and, when the landlord brought the bill for dinner, paid it with the air +of a lord. Indeed, she made no motion to produce the two pieces I had +lent to her; and so we rode on slowly towards Dublin, into which city we +made our entrance at nightfall. The rattle and splendour of the coaches, +the flare of the linkboys, the number and magnificence of the houses, +struck me with the greatest wonder; though I was careful to disguise +this feeling, according to my dear mother's directions, who told me that +it was the mark of a man of fashion never to wonder at anything, and +never to admit that any house, equipage, or company he saw, was more +splendid or genteel than what he had been accustomed to at home. + +We stopped, at length, at a house of rather mean appearance, and were +let into a passage by no means so clean as that at Barryville, where +there was a great smell of supper and punch. A stout red-faced man, +without a periwig, and in rather a tattered nightgown and cap, made his +appearance from the parlour, and embraced his lady (for it was Captain +Fitzsimons) with a great deal of cordiality. Indeed, when he saw that a +stranger accompanied her, he embraced her more rapturously than ever. +In introducing me, she persisted in saying that I was her preserver, and +complimented my gallantry as much as if I had killed Freny, instead +of coming up when the robbery was over. The Captain said he knew the +Redmonds of Waterford intimately well: which assertion alarmed me, as I +knew nothing of the family to which I was stated to belong. But I posed +him, by asking WHICH of the Redmonds he knew, for I had never heard his +name in our family. He said he knew the Redmonds of Redmondstown. 'Oh,' +says I, 'mine are the Redmonds of Castle Redmond;' and so I put him off +the scent. I went to see my nag put up at a livery-stable hard by, with +the Captain's horse and chair, and returned to my entertainer. + +Although there were the relics of some mutton-chops and onions on a +cracked dish before him, the Captain said, 'My love, I wish I had known +of your coming, for Bob Moriarty and I just finished the most delicious +venison pasty, which his Grace the Lord Lieutenant sent us, with a +flask of Sillery from his own cellar. You know the wine, my dear? But as +bygones are bygones, and no help for them, what say ye to a fine lobster +and a bottle of as good claret as any in Ireland? Betty, clear these +things from the table, and make the mistress and our young friend +welcome to our home.' + +Not having small change, Mr. Fitzsimons asked me to lend him a +tenpenny-piece to purchase the dish of lobsters; but his lady, handing +out one of the guineas I had given her, bade the girl get the change +for that, and procure the supper; which she did presently, bringing back +only a very few shillings out of the guinea to her mistress, saying that +the fishmonger had kept the remainder for an old account. 'And the more +great big blundering fool you, for giving the gold piece to him,' roared +Mr. Fitzsimons. I forget how many hundred guineas he said he had paid +the fellow during the year. + +Our supper was seasoned, if not by any great elegance, at least by a +plentiful store of anecdotes, concerning the highest personages of the +city; with whom, according to himself, the Captain lived on terms of +the utmost intimacy. Not to be behindhand with him, I spoke of my own +estates and property as if I was as rich as a duke. I told all the +stories of the nobility I had ever heard from my mother, and some that, +perhaps, I had invented; and ought to have been aware that my host +was an impostor himself, as he did not find out my own blunders and +misstatements. But youth is ever too confident. It was some time +before I knew that I had made no very desirable acquaintance in Captain +Fitzsimons and his lady; and, indeed, went to bed congratulating myself +upon my wonderful good luck in having, at the outset of my adventures, +fallen in with so distinguished a couple. + +The appearance of the chamber I occupied might, indeed, have led me to +imagine that the heir of Fitzsimonsburgh Castle, county Donegal, was not +as yet reconciled with his wealthy parents; and, had I been an English +lad, probably my suspicion and distrust would have been aroused +instantly. But perhaps, as the reader knows, we are not so particular in +Ireland on the score of neatness as people are in this precise country; +hence the disorder of my bedchamber did not strike me so much. For were +not all the windows broken and stuffed with rags even at Castle Brady, +my uncle's superb mansion? Was there ever a lock to the doors there, or +if a lock, a handle to the lock or a hasp to fasten it to? So, though +my bedroom boasted of these inconveniences, and a few more; though my +counterpane was evidently a greased brocade dress of Mrs. Fitzsimons's, +and my cracked toilet-glass not much bigger than a half-crown, yet I was +used to this sort of ways in Irish houses, and still thought myself in +that of a man of fashion. There was no lock to the drawers, which, when +they DID open, were full of my hostess's rouge-pots, shoes, stays, and +rags; so I allowed my wardrobe to remain in my valise, but set out my +silver dressing-apparatus upon the ragged cloth on the drawers, where it +shone to great advantage. + +When Sullivan appeared in the morning, I asked him about my mare, +which he informed me was doing well. I then bade him bring me hot +shaving-water, in a loud dignified tone. + +'Hot shaving-water!' says he, bursting out laughing (and I confess not +without reason). 'Is it yourself you're going to shave?' said he. 'And +maybe when I bring you up the water I'll bring you up the cat too, and +you can shave her.' I flung a boot at the scoundrel's head in reply +to this impertinence, and was soon with my friends in the parlour for +breakfast. There was a hearty welcome, and the same cloth that had +been used the night before: as I recognised by the black mark of the +Irish-stew dish, and the stain left by a pot of porter at supper. + +My host greeted me with great cordiality; Mrs. Fitzsimons said I was an +elegant figure for the Phoenix; and indeed, without vanity, I may say of +myself that there were worse-looking fellows in Dublin than I. I had not +the powerful chest and muscular proportion which I have since attained +(to be exchanged, alas! for gouty legs and chalk-stones in my fingers; +but 'tis the way of mortality), but I had arrived at near my present +growth of six feet, and with my hair in buckle, a handsome lace jabot +and wristbands to my shirt, and a red plush waistcoat, barred with gold, +looked the gentleman I was born. I wore my drab coat with plate +buttons, that was grown too small for me, and quite agreed with Captain +Fitzsimons that I must pay a visit to his tailor, in order to procure +myself a coat more fitting my size. + +'I needn't ask whether you had a comfortable bed,' said he. 'Young Fred +Pimpleton (Lord Pimpleton's second son) slept in it for seven months, +during which he did me the honour to stay with me, and if HE was +satisfied, I don't know who else wouldn't be.' + +After breakfast we walked out to see the town, and Mr. Fitzsimons +introduced me to several of his acquaintances whom we met, as his +particular young friend Mr. Redmond, of Waterford county; he also +presented me at his hatter's and tailor's as a gentleman of great +expectations and large property; and although I told the latter that I +should not pay him ready cash for more than one coat, which fitted me to +a nicety, yet he insisted upon making me several, which I did not care +to refuse. The Captain, also, who certainly wanted such a renewal of +raiment, told the tailor to send him home a handsome military frock, +which he selected. + +Then we went home to Mrs. Fitzsimons, who drove out in her chair to the +Phoenix Park, where a review was, and where numbers of the young gentry +were round about her; to all of whom she presented me as her preserver +of the day before. Indeed, such was her complimentary account of me, +that before half-an-hour I had got to be considered as a young gentleman +of the highest family in the land, related to all the principal +nobility, a cousin of Captain Fitzsimons, and heir to L10,000 a year. +Fitzsimons said he had ridden over every inch of my estate; and +'faith, as he chose to tell these stories for me, I let him have his +way--indeed, was not a little pleased (as youth is) to be made much of, +and to pass for a great personage. I had little notion then that I +had got among a set of impostors--that Captain Fitzsimons was only an +adventurer, and his lady a person of no credit; but such are the dangers +to which youth is perpetually subject, and hence let young men take +warning by me. + +I purposely hurry over the description of my life in which the incidents +were painful, of no great interest except to my unlucky self, and of +which my companions were certainly not of a kind befitting my quality. +The fact was, a young man could hardly have fallen into worse hands than +those in which I now found myself. I have been to Donegal since, +and have never seen the famous Castle of Fitzsimonsburgh, which is, +likewise, unknown to the oldest inhabitants of that county; nor are the +Granby Somersets much better known in Worcestershire. The couple into +whose hands I had fallen were of a sort much more common then than at +present, for the vast wars of later days have rendered it very difficult +for noblemen's footmen or hangers-on to procure commissions; and such, +in fact, had been the original station of Captain Fitzsimons. Had +I known his origin, of course I would have died rather than have +associated with him: but in those simple days of youth I took his tales +for truth, and fancied myself in high luck at being, at my outset into +life, introduced into such a family. Alas! we are the sport of destiny. +When I consider upon what small circumstances all the great events of my +life have turned, I can hardly believe myself to have been anything +but a puppet in the hands of Fate; which has played its most fantastic +tricks upon me. + +The Captain had been a gentleman's gentleman, and his lady of no higher +rank. The society which this worthy pair kept was at a sort of ordinary +which they held, and at which their friends were always welcome on +payment of a certain moderate sum for their dinner. After dinner, you +may be sure that cards were not wanting, and that the company who played +did not play for love merely. To these parties persons of all sorts +would come: young bloods from the regiments garrisoned in Dublin: young +clerks from the Castle; horse-riding, wine-tippling, watchman-beating +men of fashion about town, such as existed in Dublin in that day more +than in any other city with which I am acquainted in Europe. I never +knew young fellows make such a show, and upon such small means. I never +knew young gentlemen with what I may call such a genius for idleness; +and whereas an Englishman with fifty guineas a year is not able to do +much more than starve, and toil like a slave in a profession, a young +Irish buck with the same sum will keep his horses, and drink his bottle, +and live as lazy as a lord. Here was a doctor who never had a patient, +cheek by jowl with an attorney who never had a client: neither had +a guinea--each had a good horse to ride in the Park, and the best of +clothes to his back. A sporting clergyman without a living; several +young wine-merchants, who consumed much more liquor than they had or +sold; and men of similar character, formed the society at the house +into which, by ill luck, I was thrown. What could happen to a man but +misfortune from associating with such company?--(I have not mentioned +the ladies of the society, who were, perhaps, no better than the +males)--and in a very very short time I became their prey. + +As for my poor twenty guineas, in three days I saw, with terror, that +they had dwindled down to eight: theatres and taverns having already +made such cruel inroads in my purse. At play I had lost, it is true, a +couple of pieces; but seeing that every one round about me played upon +honour and gave their bills, I, of course, preferred that medium to the +payment of ready money, and when I lost paid on account. + +With the tailors, saddlers, and others, I employed similar means; and +in so far Mr. Fitzsimons's representation did me good, for the tradesmen +took him at his word regarding my fortune (I have since learned that the +rascal pigeoned several other young men of property), and for a little +time supplied me with any goods I might be pleased to order. At length, +my cash running low, I was compelled to pawn some of the suits with +which the tailor had provided me; for I did not like to part with my +mare, on which I daily rode in the Park, and which I loved as the +gift of my respected uncle. I raised some little money, too, on a few +trinkets which I had purchased of a jeweller who pressed his credit upon +me; and thus was enabled to keep up appearances for yet a little time. + +I asked at the post-office repeatedly for letters for Mr. Redmond, but +none such had arrived; and, indeed, I always felt rather relieved when +the answer of 'No' was given to me; for I was not very anxious that my +mother should know my proceedings in the extravagant life which I was +leading at Dublin. It could not last very long, however; for when my +cash was quite exhausted, and I paid a second visit to the tailor, +requesting him to make me more clothes, the fellow hummed and ha'd, and +had the impudence to ask payment for those already supplied: on which, +telling him I should withdraw my custom from him, I abruptly left him. +The goldsmith too (a rascal Jew) declined to let me take a gold chain +to which I had a fancy; and I felt now, for the first time, in some +perplexity. To add to it, one of the young gentlemen who frequented Mr. +Fitzsimons's boarding-house had received from me, in the way of play, +an IOU for eighteen pounds (which I lost to him at piquet), and which, +owing Mr. Curbyn, the livery-stable keeper, a bill, he passed into that +person's hands. Fancy my rage and astonishment, then, on going for my +mare, to find that he positively refused to let me have her out of the +stable, except under payment of my promissory note! It was in vain that +I offered him his choice of four notes that I had in my pocket--one of +Fitzsimons's for L20, one of Counsellor Mulligan's, and so forth; the +dealer, who was a Yorkshireman, shook his head, and laughed at every one +of them; and said, 'I tell you what, Master Redmond, you appear a young +fellow of birth and fortune, and let me whisper in your ear that you +have fallen into very bad hands--it's a regular gang of swindlers; and a +gentleman of your rank and quality should never be seen in such company. +Go home: pack up your valise, pay the little trifle to me, mount your +mare, and ride back again to your parents,--it's the very best thing you +can do.' + +In a pretty nest of villains, indeed, was I plunged! It seemed as if +all my misfortunes were to break on me at once; for, on going home and +ascending to my bedroom in a disconsolate way, I found the Captain +and his lady there before me, my valise open, my wardrobe lying on the +ground, and my keys in the possession of the odious Fitzsimons. 'Whom +have I been harbouring in my house?' roared he, as I entered the +apartment. 'Who are you, sirrah?' + +'SIRRAH! Sir,' said I, 'I am as good a gentleman as any in Ireland.' + +'You're an impostor, young man: a schemer, a deceiver!' shouted the +Captain. + +'Repeat the words again, and I will run you through the body,' replied +I. + +'Tut, tut! I can play at fencing as well as you, Mr. REDMOND BARRY. Ah! +you change colour, do you--your secret is known, is it? You come like a +viper into the bosom of innocent families; you represent yourself as the +heir of my friends the Redmonds of Castle Redmond; I inthrojuice you to +the nobility and genthry of this methropolis' (the Captain's brogue was +large, and his words, by preference, long); 'I take you to my tradesmen, +who give you credit, and what do I find? That you have pawned the goods +which you took up at their houses.' + +'I have given them my acceptances, sir,' said I with a dignified air. + +'UNDER WHAT NAME, unhappy boy--under what name?' screamed Mrs. +Fitzsimons; and then, indeed, I remembered that I had signed the +documents Barry Redmond instead of Redmond Barry: but what else could +I do? Had not my mother desired me to take no other designation? After +uttering a furious tirade against me, in which he spoke of the fatal +discovery of my real name on my linen--of his misplaced confidence of +affection, and the shame with which he should be obliged to meet his +fashionable friends and confess that he had harboured a swindler, he +gathered up the linen, clothes, silver toilet articles, and the rest of +my gear, saying that he should step out that moment for an officer and +give me up to the just revenge of the law. + +During the first part of his speech, the thought of the imprudence of +which I had been guilty, and the predicament in which I was plunged, had +so puzzled and confounded me, that I had not uttered a word in reply to +the fellow's abuse, but had stood quite dumb before him. The sense of +danger, however, at once roused me to action. 'Hark ye, Mr. Fitzsimons,' +said I; 'I will tell you why I was obliged to alter my name: which is +Barry, and the best name in Ireland. I changed it, sir, because, on +the day before I came to Dublin, I killed a man in deadly combat--an +Englishman, sir, and a captain in His Majesty's service; and if you +offer to let or hinder me in the slightest way, the same arm which +destroyed him is ready to punish you; and by Heaven, sir, you or I don't +leave this room alive!' + +So saying, I drew my sword like lightning, and giving a 'ha! ha!' and +a stamp with my foot, lunged within an inch of Fitzsimons's heart, who +started back and turned deadly pale, while his wife, with a scream, +flung herself between us. + +'Dearest Redmond,' she cried, 'be pacified. Fitzsimons, you don't want +the poor child's blood. Let him escape--in Heaven's name let him go.' + +'He may go hang for me,' said Fitzsimons sulkily; 'and he'd better be +off quickly, too, for the jeweller and the tailor have called once, +and will be here again before long. It was Moses the pawnbroker that +peached: I had the news from him myself.' By which I conclude that Mr. +Fitzsimons had been with the new laced frock-coat which he procured from +the merchant tailor on the day when the latter first gave me credit. + +What was the end of our conversation? Where was now a home for the +descendant of the Barrys? Home was shut to me by my misfortune in the +duel. I was expelled from Dublin by a persecution occasioned, I must +confess, by my own imprudence. I had no time to wait and choose: no +place of refuge to fly to. Fitzsimons, after his abuse of me, left the +room growling, but not hostile; his wife insisted that we should shake +hands, and he promised not to molest me. Indeed, I owed the fellow +nothing; and, on the contrary, had his acceptance actually in my pocket +for money lost at play. As for my friend Mrs. Fitzsimons, she sat down +on the bed and fairly burst out crying. She had her faults, but her +heart was kind; and though she possessed but three shillings in the +world, and fourpence in copper, the poor soul made me take it before +I left her--to go--whither? My mind was made up: there was a score of +recruiting-parties in the town beating up for men to join our gallant +armies in America and Germany; I knew where to find one of these, having +stood by the sergeant at a review in the Phoenix Park, where he pointed +out to me characters on the field, for which I treated him to drink. + +I gave one of my shillings to Sullivan the butler of the Fitzsimonses, +and, running into the street, hastened to the little alehouse at which +my acquaintance was quartered, and before ten minutes had accepted His +Majesty's shilling. I told him frankly that I was a young gentleman in +difficulties; that I had killed an officer in a duel, and was anxious +to get out of the country. But I need not have troubled myself with any +explanations; King George was too much in want of men then to heed from +whence they came, and a fellow of my inches, the sergeant said, was +always welcome. Indeed, I could not, he said, have chosen my time +better. A transport was lying at Dunleary, waiting for a wind, and on +board that ship, to which I marched that night, I made some surprising +discoveries, which shall be told in the next chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. IN WHICH BARRY TAKES A NEAR VIEW OF MILITARY GLORY + +I never had a taste for anything but genteel company, and hate all +descriptions of low life. Hence my account of the society in which I +at present found myself must of necessity be short; and, indeed, +the recollection of it is profoundly disagreeable to me. Pah! the +reminiscences of the horrid black-hole of a place in which we soldiers +were confined; of the wretched creatures with whom I was now forced to +keep company; of the ploughmen, poachers, pickpockets, who had taken +refuge from poverty, or the law (as, in truth, I had done myself), is +enough to make me ashamed even now, and it calls the blush into my old +cheeks to think I was ever forced to keep such company. I should have +fallen into despair, but that, luckily, events occurred to rouse my +spirits, and in some measure to console me for my misfortunes. + +The first of these consolations I had was a good quarrel, which took +place on the day after my entrance into the transport-ship, with a huge +red-haired monster of a fellow--a chairman, who had enlisted to fly from +a vixen of a wife, who, boxer as he was, had been more than a match for +him. As soon as this fellow--Toole, I remember, was his name--got away +from the arms of the washerwoman his lady, his natural courage and +ferocity returned, and he became the tyrant of all round about him. +All recruits, especially, were the object of the brute's insult and +ill-treatment. + +I had no money, as I said, and was sitting very disconsolately over a +platter of rancid bacon and mouldy biscuit, which was served to us at +mess, when it came to my turn to be helped to drink, and I was served, +like the rest, with a dirty tin noggin, containing somewhat more than +half a pint of rum-and-water. The beaker was so greasy and filthy that I +could not help turning round to the messman and saying, 'Fellow, get me +a glass!' At which all the wretches round about me burst into a roar of +laughter, the very loudest among them being, of course, Mr. Toole. +'Get the gentleman a towel for his hands, and serve him a basin of +turtle-soup,' roared the monster, who was sitting, or rather squatting, +on the deck opposite me; and as he spoke he suddenly seized my beaker of +grog and emptied it, in the midst of another burst of applause. + +'If you want to vex him, ax him about his wife the washerwoman, who +BATES him,' here whispered in my ear another worthy, a retired link-boy, +who, disgusted with his profession, had adopted the military life. + +'Is it a towel of your wife's washing, Mr. Toole?' said I. 'I'm told she +wiped your face often with one.' + +'Ax him why he wouldn't see her yesterday, when she came to the ship,' +continued the link-boy. And so I put to him some other foolish jokes +about soapsuds, henpecking, and flat-irons, which set the man into a +fury, and succeeded in raising a quarrel between us. We should have +fallen to at once, but a couple of grinning marines, who kept watch at +the door, for fear we should repent of our bargain and have a fancy to +escape, came forward and interposed between us with fixed bayonets; +but the sergeant coming down the ladder, and hearing the dispute, +condescended to say that we might fight it out like men with FISTES if +we chose, and that the fore-deck should be free to us for that purpose. +But the use of fistes, as the Englishman called them, was not then +general in Ireland, and it was agreed that we should have a pair +of cudgels; with one of which weapons I finished the fellow in four +minutes, giving him a thump across his stupid sconce which laid +him lifeless on the deck, and not receiving myself a single hurt of +consequence. + +This victory over the cock of the vile dunghill obtained me respect +among the wretches of whom I formed part, and served to set up my +spirits, which otherwise were flagging; and my position was speedily +made more bearable by the arrival on board our ship of an old friend. +This was no other than my second in the fatal duel which had sent me +thus early out into the world, Captain Fagan. There was a young nobleman +who had a company in our regiment (Gale's foot), and who, preferring the +delights of the Mall and the clubs to the dangers of a rough campaign, +had given Fagan the opportunity of an exchange; which, as the latter had +no fortune but his sword, he was glad to make. The sergeant was +putting us through our exercise on deck (the seamen and officers of the +transport looking grinning on) when a boat came from the shore bringing +our captain to the ship; and though I started and blushed red as he +recognised me--a descendant of the Barrys--in this degrading posture, I +promise you that the sight of Fagan's face was most welcome to me, for +it assured me that a friend was near me. Before that I was so melancholy +that I would certainly have deserted had I found the means, and had not +the inevitable marines kept a watch to prevent any such escapes. +Fagan gave me a wink of recognition, but offered no public token of +acquaintance; it was not until two days afterwards, and when we had +bidden adieu to old Ireland and were standing out to sea, that he called +me into his cabin, and then, shaking hands with me cordially, gave me +news, which I much wanted, of my family. 'I had news of you in Dublin,' +he said. ''Faith you've begun early, like your father's son; and I think +you could not do better than as you have done. But why did you not write +home to your poor mother? She has sent a half-dozen letters to you at +Dublin.' + +I said I had asked for letters at the post-office, but there were none +for Mr. Redmond. I did not like to add that I had been ashamed, after +the first week, to write to my mother. + +'We must write to her by the pilot,' said he, 'who will leave us in +two hours; and you can tell her that you are safe, and married to Brown +Bess.' I sighed when he talked about being married; on which he said +with a laugh, 'I see you are thinking of a certain young lady at Brady's +Town.' + +'Is Miss Brady well?' said I; and indeed, could hardly utter it, for I +certainly WAS thinking about her: for, though I had forgotten her in +the gaieties of Dublin, I have always found adversity makes man very +affectionate. + +'There's only seven Miss Bradys now,' answered Fagan, in a solemn voice. +'Poor Nora'-- + +'Good heavens! what of her?' I thought grief had killed her. + +'She took on so at your going away that she was obliged to console +herself with a husband. She's now Mrs. John Quin.' + +'Mrs. John Quin! Was there ANOTHER Mr. John Quin?' asked I, quite +wonder-stricken. + +'No; the very same one, my boy. He recovered from his wound. The ball +you hit him with was not likely to hurt him. It was only made of tow. +Do you think the Bradys would let you kill fifteen hundred a year out of +the family?' And then Fagan further told me that, in order to get me out +of the way--for the cowardly Englishman could never be brought to marry +from fear of me--the plan of the duel had been arranged. 'But hit him +you certainly did, Redmond, and with a fine thick plugget of tow; and +the fellow was so frightened, that he was an hour in coming to. We +told your mother the story afterwards, and a pretty scene she made; she +despatched a half-score of letters to Dublin after you, but I suppose +addressed them to you in your real name, by which you never thought to +ask for them.' + +'The coward!' said I (though, I confess, my mind was considerably +relieved at the thoughts of not having killed him). 'And did the Bradys +of Castle Brady consent to admit a poltroon like that into one of the +most ancient and honourable families in the world?' + +'He has paid off your uncle's mortgage,' said Fagan; 'he gives Nora +a coach-and-six; he is to sell out, and Lieutenant Ulick Brady of the +Militia is to purchase his company. That coward of a fellow has been the +making of your uncle's family. 'Faith! the business was well done.' And +then, laughing, he told me how Mick and Ulick had never let him out +of their sight, although he was for deserting to England, until the +marriage was completed and the happy couple off on their road to Dublin. +'Are you in want of cash, my boy?' continued the good-natured Captain. +'You may draw upon me, for I got a couple of hundred out of Master Quin +for my share, and while they last you shall never want.' + +And so he bade me sit down and write a letter to my mother, which I did +forthwith in very sincere and repentant terms, stating that I had been +guilty of extravagances, that I had not known until that moment under +what a fatal error I had been labouring, and that I had embarked for +Germany as a volunteer. The letter was scarcely finished when the pilot +sang out that he was going on shore; and he departed, taking with him, +from many an anxious fellow besides myself, our adieux to friends in old +Ireland. + +Although I was called Captain Barry for many years of my life, and have +been known as such by the first people of Europe, yet I may as well +confess I had no more claim to the title than many a gentleman who +assumes it, and never had a right to an epaulet, or to any military +decoration higher than a corporal's stripe of worsted. I was made +corporal by Fagan during our voyage to the Elbe, and my rank was +confirmed on TERRA FIRMA. I was promised a halbert, too, and afterwards, +perhaps, an ensigncy, if I distinguished myself; but Fate did not intend +that I should remain long an English soldier: as shall appear presently. +Meanwhile, our passage was very favourable; my adventures were told +by Fagan to his brother officers, who treated me with kindness; and my +victory over the big chairman procured me respect from my comrades of +the fore-deck. Encouraged and strongly exhorted by Fagan, I did my duty +resolutely; but, though affable and good-humoured with the men, I never +at first condescended to associate with such low fellows: and, indeed, +was called generally amongst them 'my Lord.' I believe it was the +ex-link-boy, a facetious knave, who gave me the title; and I felt that I +should become such a rank as well as any peer in the kingdom. + +It would require a greater philosopher and historian than I am to +explain the causes of the famous Seven Years' War in which Europe was +engaged; and, indeed, its origin has always appeared to me to be +so complicated, and the books written about it so amazingly hard to +understand, that I have seldom been much wiser at the end of a chapter +than at the beginning, and so shall not trouble my reader with any +personal disquisitions concerning the matter. All I know is, that after +His Majesty's love of his Hanoverian dominions had rendered him most +unpopular in his English kingdom, with Mr. Pitt at the head of the +anti-German war-party, all of a sudden, Mr. Pitt becoming Minister, +the rest of the empire applauded the war as much as they had hated it +before. The victories of Dettingen and Crefeld were in every-body's +mouths, and 'the Protestant hero,' as we used to call the godless old +Frederick of Prussia, was adored by us as a saint, a very short time +after we had been about to make war against him in alliance with the +Empress-queen. Now, somehow, we were on Frederick's side: the Empress, +the French, the Swedes, and the Russians, were leagued against us; and +I remember, when the news of the battle of Lissa came even to our remote +quarter of Ireland, we considered it as a triumph for the cause of +Protestantism, and illuminated and bonfired, and had a sermon at church, +and kept the Prussian king's birthday; on which my uncle would get +drunk: as indeed on any other occasion. Most of the low fellows enlisted +with myself were, of course, Papists (the English army was filled with +such, out of that never-failing country of ours), and these, forsooth, +were fighting the battles of Protestantism with Frederick; who was +belabouring the Protestant Swedes and the Protestant Saxons, as well as +the Russians of the Greek Church, and the Papist troops of the Emperor +and the King of France. It was against these latter that the English +auxiliaries were employed, and we know that, be the quarrel what it may, +an Englishman and a Frenchman are pretty willing to make a fight of it. + +We landed at Cuxhaven, and before I had been a month in the Electorate +I was transformed into a tall and proper young soldier, and having a +natural aptitude for military exercise, was soon as accomplished at the +drill as the oldest sergeant in the regiment. It is well, however, to +dream of glorious war in a snug arm-chair at home; ay, or to make it as +an officer, surrounded by gentlemen, gorgeously dressed, and cheered by +chances of promotion. But those chances do not shine on poor fellows in +worsted lace: the rough texture of our red coats made me ashamed when I +saw an officer go by; my soul used to shudder when, on going the rounds, +I would hear their voices as they sat jovially over the mess-table; +my pride revolted at being obliged to plaster my hair with flour and +candle-grease, instead of using the proper pomatum for a gentleman. +Yes, my tastes have always been high and fashionable, and I loathed the +horrid company in which I was fallen. What chances had I of promotion? +None of my relatives had money to buy me a commission, and I became soon +so low-spirited, that I longed for a general action and a ball to finish +me, and vowed that I would take some opportunity to desert. + +When I think that I, the descendant of the kings of Ireland, was +threatened with a caning by a young scoundrel who had just joined from +Eton College--when I think that he offered to make me his footman, and +that I did not, on either occasion, murder him! On the first occasion I +burst into tears (I do not care to own it) and had serious thoughts of +committing suicide, so great was my mortification. But my kind friend +Fagan came to my aid in the circumstance, with some very timely +consolation. 'My poor boy,' said he, 'you must not take the matter to +heart so. Caning is only a relative disgrace. Young Ensign Fakenham was +flogged himself at Eton School only a month ago: I would lay a wager +that his scars are not yet healed. You must cheer up, my boy; do your +duty, be a gentleman, and no serious harm can fall on you.' And I heard +afterwards that my champion had taken Mr. Fakenham very severely to +task for this threat, and said to him that any such proceedings for the +future he should consider as an insult to himself; whereon the young +ensign was, for the moment, civil. As for the sergeants, I told one of +them, that if any man struck me, no matter who he might be, or what +the penalty, I would take his life. And, 'faith! there was an air of +sincerity in my speech which convinced the whole bevy of them; and as +long as I remained in the English service no rattan was ever laid on the +shoulders of Redmond Barry. Indeed, I was in that savage moody state, +that my mind was quite made up to the point, and I looked to hear my own +dead march played as sure as I was alive. When I was made a corporal, +some of my evils were lessened; I messed with the sergeants by special +favour, and used to treat them to drink, and lose money to the rascals +at play: with which cash my good friend Mr. Fagan punctually supplied +me. + +Our regiment, which was quartered about Stade and Luneburg, speedily +got orders to march southwards towards the Rhine, for news came that our +great General, Prince Ferdinand of Brunswick, had been defeated--no, not +defeated, but foiled in his attack upon the French under the Duke of +Broglio, at Bergen, near Frankfort-on-the-Main, and had been obliged to +fall back. As the allies retreated the French rushed forward, and made +a bold push for the Electorate of our gracious monarch in Hanover, +threatening that they would occupy it; as they had done before, when +D'Estrees beat the hero of Culloden, the gallant Duke of Cumberland, and +caused him to sign the capitulation of Closter Zeven. An advance upon +Hanover always caused a great agitation in the Royal bosom of the King +of England; more troops were sent to join us, convoys of treasure were +passed over to our forces, and to our ally's the King of Prussia; and +although, in spite of all assistance, the army under Prince Ferdinand +was very much weaker than that of the invading enemy, yet we had the +advantage of better supplies, one of the greatest Generals in the world: +and, I was going to add, of British valour, but the less we say about +THAT the better. My Lord George Sackville did not exactly cover himself +with laurels at Minden; otherwise there might have been won there one of +the greatest victories of modern times. + +Throwing himself between the French and the interior of the Electorate, +Prince Ferdinand wisely took possession of the free town of Bremen, +which he made his storehouse and place of arms; and round which he +gathered all his troops, making ready to fight the famous battle of +Minden. + +Were these Memoirs not characterised by truth, and did I deign to utter +a single word for which my own personal experience did not give me the +fullest authority, I might easily make myself the hero of some strange +and popular adventures, and, after the fashion of novel-writers, +introduce my reader to the great characters of this remarkable time. +These persons (I mean the romance-writers), if they take a drummer or +a dustman for a hero, somehow manage to bring him in contact with +the greatest lords and most notorious personages of the empire; and +I warrant me there's not one of them but, in describing the battle +of Minden, would manage to bring Prince Ferdinand, and my Lord George +Sackville, and my Lord Granby, into presence. It would have been easy +for me to have SAID I was present when the orders were brought to Lord +George to charge with the cavalry and finish the rout of the Frenchmen, +and when he refused to do so, and thereby spoiled the great victory. But +the fact is, I was two miles off from the cavalry when his Lordship's +fatal hesitation took place, and none of us soldiers of the line knew of +what had occurred until we came to talk about the fight over our kettles +in the evening, and repose after the labours of a hard-fought day. I saw +no one of higher rank that day than my colonel and a couple of orderly +officers riding by in the smoke--no one on our side, that is. A poor +corporal (as I then had the disgrace of being) is not generally invited +into the company of commanders and the great; but, in revenge, I saw, +I promise you, some very good company on the FRENCH part, for their +regiments of Lorraine and Royal Cravate were charging us all day; and +in THAT sort of MELEE high and low are pretty equally received. I hate +bragging, but I cannot help saying that I made a very close acquaintance +with the colonel of the Cravates; for I drove my bayonet into his body, +and finished off a poor little ensign, so young, slender, and small, +that a blow from my pigtail would have despatched him, I think, in +place of the butt of my musket, with which I clubbed him down. I killed, +besides, four more officers and men, and in the poor ensign's pocket +found a purse of fourteen louis-d'or, and a silver box of sugar-plums; +of which the former present was very agreeable to me. If people would +tell their stories of battles in this simple way, I think the cause of +truth would not suffer by it. All I know of this famous fight of Minden +(except from books) is told here above. The ensign's silver bon-bon box +and his purse of gold; the livid face of the poor fellow as he fell; +the huzzas of the men of my company as I went out under a smart fire +and rifled him; their shouts and curses as we came hand in hand with the +Frenchmen,--these are, in truth, not very dignified recollections, and +had best be passed over briefly. When my kind friend Fagan was shot, a +brother captain, and his very good friend, turned to Lieutenant Rawson +and said, 'Fagan's down; Rawson, there's your company.' It was all the +epitaph my brave patron got. 'I should have left you a hundred guineas, +Redmond,' were his last words to me, 'but for a cursed run of ill luck +last night at faro.' And he gave me a faint squeeze of the hand; then, +as the word was given to advance, I left him. When we came back to our +old ground, which we presently did, he was lying there still; but he +was dead. Some of our people had already torn off his epaulets, and, +no doubt, had rifled his purse. Such knaves and ruffians do men in war +become! It is well for gentlemen to talk of the age of chivalry; but +remember the starving brutes whom they lead--men nursed in poverty, +entirely ignorant, made to take a pride in deeds of blood--men who can +have no amusement but in drunkenness, debauch, and plunder. It is with +these shocking instruments that your great warriors and kings have been +doing their murderous work in the world; and while, for instance, we are +at the present moment admiring the 'Great Frederick,' as we call him, +and his philosophy, and his liberality, and his military genius, I, who +have served him, and been, as it were, behind the scenes of which that +great spectacle is composed, can only look at it with horror. What +a number of items of human crime, misery, slavery, go to form that +sum-total of glory! I can recollect a certain day about three weeks +after the battle of Minden, and a farmhouse in which some of us entered; +and how the old woman and her daughters served us, trembling, to wine; +and how we got drunk over the wine, and the house was in a flame, +presently; and woe betide the wretched fellow afterwards who came home +to look for his house and his children! + + + + +CHAPTER V. BARRY FAR FROM MILITARY GLORY + +After the death of my protector, Captain Fagan, I am forced to confess +that I fell into the very worst of courses and company. Being a rough +soldier of fortune himself, he had never been a favourite with the +officers of his regiment; who had a contempt for Irishmen, as Englishmen +sometimes will have, and used to mock his brogue, and his blunt uncouth +manners. I had been insolent to one or two of them, and had only been +screened from punishment by his intercession; especially his successor, +Mr. Rawson, had no liking for me, and put another man into the +sergeant's place vacant in his company after the battle of Minden. +This act of injustice rendered my service very disagreeable to me; and, +instead of seeking to conquer the dislike of my superiors, and win their +goodwill by good behaviour, I only sought for means to make my situation +easier to me, and grasped at all the amusements in my power. In a +foreign country, with the enemy before us, and the people continually +under contribution from one side or the other, numberless irregularities +were permitted to the troops which would not have been allowed in more +peaceable times. I descended gradually to mix with the sergeants, and to +share their amusements: drinking and gambling were, I am sorry to say, +our principal pastimes; and I fell so readily into their ways, that +though only a young lad of seventeen, I was the master of them all in +daring wickedness; though there were some among them who, I promise you, +were far advanced in the science of every kind of profligacy. I should +have been under the provost-marshal's hands, for a dead certainty, had +I continued much longer in the army: but an accident occurred which took +me out of the English service in rather a singular manner. + +The year in which George II died, our regiment had the honour to be +present at the battle of Warburg (where the Marquis of Granby and his +horse fully retrieved the discredit which had fallen upon the cavalry +since Lord George Sackville's defalcation at Minden), and where Prince +Ferdinand once more completely defeated the Frenchmen. During the +action, my lieutenant, Mr. Fakenham, of Fakenham, the gentleman who had +threatened me, it may be remembered, with the caning, was struck by a +musket-ball in the side. He had shown no want of courage in this or any +other occasion where he had been called upon to act against the French; +but this was his first wound, and the young gentleman was exceedingly +frightened by it. He offered five guineas to be carried into the town, +which was hard by; and I and another man, taking him up in a cloak, +managed to transport him into a place of decent appearance, where we put +him to bed, and where a young surgeon (who desired nothing better than +to take himself out of the fire of the musketry) went presently to dress +his wound. + +In order to get into the house, we had been obliged, it must be +confessed, to fire into the locks with our pieces; which summons brought +an inhabitant of the house to the door, a very pretty and black-eyed +young woman, who lived there with her old half-blind father, a retired +Jagdmeister of the Duke of Cassel, hard by. When the French were in the +town, Meinherr's house had suffered like those of his neighbours; and +he was at first exceedingly unwilling to accommodate his guests. But the +first knocking at the door had the effect of bringing a speedy answer; +and Mr. Fakenham, taking a couple of guineas out of a very full purse, +speedily convinced the people that they had only to deal with a person +of honour. + +Leaving the doctor (who was very glad to stop) with his patient, who +paid me the stipulated reward, I was returning to my regiment with my +other comrade--after having paid, in my German jargon, some deserved +compliments to the black-eyed beauty of Warburg, and thinking, with no +small envy, how comfortable it would be to be billeted there--when the +private who was with me cut short my reveries by suggesting that we +should divide the five guineas the lieutenant had given me. + +'There is your share,' said I, giving the fellow one piece; which was +plenty, as I was the leader of the expedition. But he swore a dreadful +oath that he would have half; and when I told him to go to a quarter +which I shall not name, the fellow, lifting his musket, hit me a blow +with the butt-end of it, which sent me lifeless to the ground: when I +awoke from my trance, I found myself bleeding with a large wound in the +head, and had barely time to stagger back to the house where I had left +the lieutenant, when I again fell fainting at the door. + +Here I must have been discovered by the surgeon on his issuing out; for +when I awoke a second time I found myself in the ground-floor of the +house, supported by the black-eyed girl, while the surgeon was copiously +bleeding me at the arm. There was another bed in the room where the +lieutenant had been laid,--it was that occupied by Gretel, the servant; +while Lischen, as my fair one was called, had, till now, slept in the +couch where the wounded officer lay. + +'Who are you putting into that bed?' said he languidly, in German; for +the ball had been extracted from his side with much pain and loss of +blood. + +They told him it was the corporal who had brought him. + +'A corporal?' said he, in English; 'turn him out.' And you may be sure +I felt highly complimented by the words. But we were both too faint to +compliment or to abuse each other much, and I was put to bed carefully; +and, on being undressed, had an opportunity to find that my pockets +had been rifled by the English soldier after he had knocked me down. +However, I was in good quarters: the young lady who sheltered me +presently brought me a refreshing drink; and, as I took it, I could not +help pressing the kind hand that gave it me; nor, in truth, did this +token of my gratitude seem unwelcome. + +This intimacy did not decrease with further acquaintance. I found +Lischen the tenderest of nurses. Whenever any delicacy was to be +provided for the wounded lieutenant, a share was always sent to the +bed opposite his, and to the avaricious man's no small annoyance. His +illness was long. On the second day the fever declared itself; for some +nights he was delirious; and I remember it was when a commanding +officer was inspecting our quarters, with an intention, very likely, of +billeting himself on the house, that the howling and mad words of the +patient overhead struck him, and he retired rather frightened. I had +been sitting up very comfortably in the lower apartment, for my hurt was +quite subsided; and it was only when the officer asked me, with a +rough voice, why I was not at my regiment, that I began to reflect how +pleasant my quarters were to me, and that I was much better here than +crawling under an odious tent with a parcel of tipsy soldiers, or going +the night-rounds or rising long before daybreak for drill. + +The delirium of Mr. Fakenham gave me a hint, and I determined forthwith +to GO MAD. There was a poor fellow about Brady's Town called 'Wandering +Billy,' whose insane pranks I had often mimicked as a lad, and I +again put them in practice. That night I made an attempt upon Lischen, +saluting her with a yell and a grin which frightened her almost out of +her wits; and when anybody came I was raving. The blow on the head had +disordered my brain; the doctor was ready to vouch for this fact. One +night I whispered to him that I was Julius Caesar, and considered him +to be my affianced wife Queen Cleopatra, which convinced him of my +insanity. Indeed, if Her Majesty had been like my Aesculapius, she must +have had a carroty beard, such as is rare in Egypt. + +A movement on the part of the French speedily caused an advance on our +part. The town was evacuated, except by a few Prussian troops, whose +surgeons were to visit the wounded in the place; and, when we were well, +we were to be drafted to our regiments. I determined that I never would +join mine again. My intention was to make for Holland, almost the only +neutral country of Europe in those times, and thence to get a passage +somehow to England, and home to dear old Brady's Town. + +If Mr. Fakenham is now alive, I here tender him my apologies for my +conduct to him. He was very rich; he used me very ill. I managed to +frighten away his servant who came to attend him after the affair of +Warburg, and from that time would sometimes condescend to wait upon the +patient, who always treated me with scorn; but it was my object to +have him alone, and I bore his brutality with the utmost civility and +mildness, meditating in my own mind a very pretty return for all his +favours to me. Nor was I the only person in the house to whom the worthy +gentleman was uncivil. He ordered the fair Lischen hither and thither, +made impertinent love to her, abused her soups, quarrelled with her +omelettes, and grudged the money which was laid out for his maintenance; +so that our hostess detested him as much as, I think, without vanity, +she regarded me. + +For, if the truth must be told, I had made very deep love to her during +my stay under her roof; as is always my way with women, of whatever +age or degree of beauty. To a man who has to make his way in the world, +these dear girls can always be useful in one fashion or another; never +mind, if they repel your passion; at any rate, they are not offended +with your declaration of it, and only look upon you with more favourable +eyes in consequence of your misfortune. As for Lischen, I told her such +a pathetic story of my life (a tale a great deal more romantic than that +here narrated,--for I did not restrict myself to the exact truth in that +history, as in these pages I am bound to do), that I won the poor girl's +heart entirely, and, besides, made considerable progress in the +German language under her instruction. Do not think me very cruel and +heartless, ladies; this heart of Lischen's was like many a town in the +neighbourhood in which she dwelt, and had been stormed and occupied +several times before I came to invest it; now mounting French colours, +now green and yellow Saxon, now black and white Prussian, as the case +may be. A lady who sets her heart upon a lad in uniform must prepare to +change lovers pretty quickly, or her life will be but a sad one. + +The German surgeon who attended us after the departure of the English +only condescended to pay our house a visit twice during my residence; +and I took care, for a reason I had, to receive him in a darkened room, +much to the annoyance of Mr. Fakenham, who lay there: but I said the +light affected my eyes dreadfully since my blow on the head; and so I +covered up my head with clothes when the doctor came, and told him that +I was an Egyptian mummy, or talked to him some insane nonsense, in order +to keep up my character. + +'What is that nonsense you were talking about an Egyptian mummy, +fellow?' asked Mr. Fakenham peevishly. + +'Oh! you'll know soon, sir,' said I. + +The next time that I expected the doctor to come, instead of receiving +him in a darkened room, with handkerchiefs muffled, I took care to be +in the lower room, and was having a game at cards with Lischen as the +surgeon entered. I had taken possession of a dressing-jacket of the +lieutenant's, and some other articles of his wardrobe, which fitted me +pretty well; and, I flatter myself, was no ungentlemanlike figure. + +'Good-morrow, Corporal,' said the doctor, rather gruffly, in reply to my +smiling salute. + +'Corporal! Lieutenant, if you please,' answered I, giving an arch look +at Lischen, whom I had instructed in my plot. + +'How lieutenant?' asked the surgeon. 'I thought the lieutenant was'-- + +'Upon my word, you do me great honour,' cried I, laughing; 'you mistook +me for the mad corporal upstairs. The fellow has once or twice pretended +to be an officer, but my kind hostess here can answer which is which.' + +'Yesterday he fancied he was Prince Ferdinand,' said Lischen; 'the day +you came he said he was an Egyptian mummy.' + +'So he did,' said the doctor; 'I remember; but, ha! ha! do you know, +Lieutenant, I have in my notes made a mistake in you two?' + +'Don't talk to me about his malady; he is calm now.' + +Lischen and I laughed at this error as at the most ridiculous thing +in the world; and when the surgeon went up to examine his patient, I +cautioned him not to talk to him about the subject of his malady, for he +was in a very excited state. + +The reader will be able to gather from the above conversation what my +design really was. I was determined to escape, and to escape under the +character of Lieutenant Fakenham; taking it from him to his face, as +it were, and making use of it to meet my imperious necessity. It +was forgery and robbery, if you like; for I took all his money and +clothes,--I don't care to conceal it; but the need was so urgent, that +I would do so again: and I knew I could not effect my escape without his +purse, as well as his name. Hence it became my duty to take possession +of one and the other. + +As the lieutenant lay still in bed upstairs, I did not hesitate at +all about assuming his uniform, especially after taking care to inform +myself from the doctor whether any men of ours who might know me were in +the town. But there were none that I could hear of; and so I calmly took +my walks with Madame Lischen, dressed in the lieutenant's uniform, made +inquiries as to a horse that I wanted to purchase, reported myself to +the commandant of the place as Lieutenant Fakenham, of Gale's English +regiment of foot, convalescent, and was asked to dine with the officers +of the Prussian regiment at a very sorry mess they had. How Fakenham +would have stormed and raged, had he known the use I was making of his +name! + +Whenever that worthy used to inquire about his clothes, which he did +with many oaths and curses that he would have me caned at the regiment +for inattention, I, with a most respectful air, informed him that they +were put away in perfect safety below; and, in fact, had them very +neatly packed, and ready for the day when I proposed to depart. His +papers and money, however, he kept under his pillow; and, as I had +purchased a horse, it became necessary to pay for it. + +At a certain hour, then, I ordered the animal to be brought round, when +I would pay the dealer for him. (I shall pass over my adieux with my +kind hostess, which were very tearful indeed). And then, making up my +mind to the great action, walked upstairs to Fakenham's room attired in +his full regimentals, and with his hat cocked over my left eye. + +'You gWeat scoundWel!' said he, with a multiplicity of oaths; 'you +mutinous dog! what do you mean by dWessing yourself in my Wegimentals? +As sure as my name's Fakenham, when we get back to the Wegiment, I'll +have your soul cut out of your body.' + +'I'm promoted, Lieutenant,' said I, with a sneer. 'I'm come to take my +leave of you;' and then going up to his bed, I said, 'I intend to have +your papers and purse.' With this I put my hand under his pillow; at +which he gave a scream that might have called the whole garrison about +my ears. 'Hark ye, sir!' said I, 'no more noise, or you are a dead +man!' and taking a handkerchief, I bound it tight around his mouth so +as well-nigh to throttle him, and, pulling forward the sleeves of his +shirt, tied them in a knot together, and so left him; removing the +papers and the purse, you may be sure, and wishing him politely a good +day. + +'It is the mad corporal,' said I to the people down below who were +attracted by the noise from the sick man's chamber; and so taking leave +of the old blind Jagdmeister, and an adieu (I will not say how tender) +of his daughter, I mounted my newly purchased animal; and, as I pranced +away, and the sentinels presented arms to me at the town-gates, felt +once more that I was in my proper sphere, and determined never again to +fall from the rank of a gentleman. + +I took at first the way towards Bremen, where our army was, and gave out +that I was bringing reports and letters from the Prussian commandant +of Warburg to headquarters; but, as soon as I got out of sight of the +advanced sentinels, I turned bridle and rode into the Hesse-Cassel +territory, which is luckily not very far from Warburg: and I promise you +I was very glad to see the blue-and-red stripes on the barriers, which +showed me that I was out of the land occupied by our countrymen. I rode +to Hof, and the next day to Cassel, giving out that I was the bearer of +despatches to Prince Henry, then on the Lower Rhine, and put up at the +best hotel of the place, where the field-officers of the garrison had +their ordinary. These gentlemen I treated to the best wines that the +house afforded, for I was determined to keep up the character of the +English gentleman, and I talked to them about my English estates with a +fluency that almost made me believe in the stories which I invented. I +was even asked to an assembly at Wilhelmshohe, the Elector's palace, and +danced a minuet there with the Hofmarshal's lovely daughter, and lost a +few pieces to his excellency the first huntmaster of his Highness. + +At our table at the inn there was a Prussian officer who treated me with +great civility, and asked me a thousand questions about England; which +I answered as best I might. But this best, I am bound to say, was bad +enough. I knew nothing about England, and the Court, and the noble +families there; but, led away by the vaingloriousness of youth (and a +propensity which I possessed in my early days, but of which I have long +since corrected myself, to boast and talk in a manner not altogether +consonant with truth), I invented a thousand stories which I told him; +described the King and the Ministers to him, said the British Ambassador +at Berlin was my uncle, and promised my acquaintance a letter of +recommendation to him. When the officer asked me my uncle's name, I was +not able to give him the real name, and so said his name was O'Grady: it +is as good a name as any other, and those of Kilballyowen, county +Cork, are as good a family as any in the world, as I have heard. As for +stories about my regiment, of these, of course, I had no lack. I wish my +other histories had been equally authentic. + +On the morning I left Cassel, my Prussian friend came to me with an open +smiling countenance, and said he, too, was bound for Dusseldorf, whither +I said my route lay; and so laying our horses' heads together we jogged +on. The country was desolate beyond description. The prince in whose +dominions we were was known to be the most ruthless seller of men in +Germany. He would sell to any bidder, and during the five years which +the war (afterwards called the Seven Years' War) had now lasted, had +so exhausted the males of his principality, that the fields remained +untilled: even the children of twelve years old were driven off to the +war, and I saw herds of these wretches marching forwards, attended by +a few troopers, now under the guidance of a red-coated Hanovarian +sergeant, now with a Prussian sub-officer accompanying them; with some +of whom my companion exchanged signs of recognition. + +'It hurts my feelings,' said he, 'to be obliged to commune with such +wretches; but the stern necessities of war demand men continually, and +hence these recruiters whom you see market in human flesh. They get +five-and-twenty dollars from our Government for every man they bring +in. For fine men--for men like you,' he added, laughing, 'we would go as +high as a hundred. In the old King's time we would have given a thousand +for you, when he had his giant regiment that our present monarch +disbanded.' + +'I knew one of them,' said I, 'who served with you: we used to call him +Morgan Prussia.' + +'Indeed; and who was this Morgan Prussia?' + +'Why, a huge grenadier of ours, who was somehow snapped up in Hanover by +some of your recruiters.' + +'The rascals!' said my friend: 'and did they dare take an Englishman?' + +''Faith this was an Irishman, and a great deal too sharp for them; +as you shall hear. Morgan was taken, then, and drafted into the giant +guard, and was the biggest man almost among all the giants there. Many +of these monsters used to complain of their life, and their caning, and +their long drills, and their small pay; but Morgan was not one of the +grumblers. "It's a deal better," said he, "to get fat here in Berlin, +than to starve in rags in Tipperary!"' + +'Where is Tipperary?' asked my companion. + +'That is exactly what Morgan's friends asked him. It is a beautiful +district in Ireland, the capital of which is the magnificent city of +Clonmel: a city, let me tell you, sir, only inferior to Dublin and +London, and far more sumptuous than any on the Continent. Well, Morgan +said that his birthplace was near that city, and the only thing which +caused him unhappiness, in his present situation, was the thought that +his brothers were still starving at home, when they might be so much +better off in His Majesty's service. + +'"'Faith," says Morgan to the sergeant, to whom he imparted the +information, "it's my brother Bin that would make the fine sergeant of +the guards, entirely!" + +'"Is Ben as tall as you are?" asked the sergeant. + +'"As tall as ME, is it? Why, man, I'm the shortest of my family! There's +six more of us, but Bin's the biggest of all. Oh! out and out the +biggest. Seven feet in his stockin-FUT, as sure as my name's Morgan!" + +'"Can't we send and fetch them over, these brothers of yours?" + +'"Not you. Ever since I was seduced by one of you gentlemen of the cane, +they've a mortal aversion to all sergeants," answered Morgan: "but +it's a pity they cannot come, too. What a monster Bin would be in a +grenadier's cap!" + +'He said nothing more at the time regarding his brothers, but only +sighed as if lamenting their hard fate. However, the story was told by +the sergeant to the officers, and by the officers to the King himself; +and His Majesty was so inflamed by curiosity, that he actually consented +to let Morgan go home in order to bring back with him his seven enormous +brothers.' + +'And were they as big as Morgan pretended?' asked my comrade. I could +not help laughing at his simplicity. + +'Do you suppose,' cried I, 'that Morgan ever came back? No, no; once +free, he was too wise for that. He has bought a snug farm in Tipperary +with the money that was given him to secure his brothers; and I fancy +few men of the guards ever profited so much by it.' + +The Prussian captain laughed exceedingly at this story, said that the +English were the cleverest nation in the world, and, on my setting him +right, agreed that the Irish were even more so. We rode on very well +pleased with each other; for he had a thousand stories of the war to +tell, of the skill and gallantry of Frederick, and the thousand escapes, +and victories, and defeats scarcely less glorious than victories, +through which the King had passed. Now that I was a gentleman, I could +listen with admiration to these tales: and yet the sentiment recorded +at the end of the last chapter was uppermost in my mind but three weeks +back, when I remembered that it was the great general got the glory, and +the poor soldier only insult and the cane. + +'By the way, to whom are you taking despatches?' asked the officer. + +It was another ugly question, which I determined to answer at +hap-hazard; and so I said 'To General Rolls.' I had seen the general +a year before, and gave the first name in my head. My friend was quite +satisfied with it, and we continued our ride until evening came on; and +our horses being weary, it was agreed that we should come to a halt. + +'There is a very good inn,' said the Captain, as we rode up to what +appeared to me a very lonely-looking place. + +'This may be a very good inn for Germany,' said I, 'but it would not +pass in old Ireland. Corbach is only a league off: let us push on for +Corbach.' + +'Do you want to see the loveliest woman in Europe?' said the officer. +'Ah! you sly rogue, I see THAT will influence you;' and, truth to say, +such a proposal WAS always welcome to me, as I don't care to own. 'The +people are great farmers,' said the Captain, 'as well as innkeepers;' +and, indeed, the place seemed more a farm than an inn yard. We entered +by a great gate into a Court walled round, and at one end of which was +the building, a dingy ruinous place. A couple of covered waggens were in +the court, their horses were littered under a shed hard by, and lounging +about the place were some men and a pair of sergeants in the Prussian +uniform, who both touched their hats to my friend the Captain. This +customary formality struck me as nothing extraordinary, but the aspect +of the inn had something exceedingly chilling and forbidding in it, +and I observed the men shut to the great yard-gates as soon as we were +entered. Parties of French horsemen, the Captain said, were about +the country, and one could not take too many precautions against such +villains. + +We went into supper, after the two sergeants had taken charge of our +horses; the Captain, also, ordering one of them to take my valise to my +bedroom. I promised the worthy fellow a glass of schnapps for his pains. + +A dish of fried eggs-and-bacon was ordered from a hideous old wench that +came to serve us, in place of the lovely creature I had expected to see; +and the Captain, laughing, said, 'Well, our meal is a frugal one, but a +soldier has many a time a worse:' and, taking off his hat, sword-belt, +and gloves, with great ceremony, he sat down to eat. I would not be +behindhand with him in politeness, and put my weapon securely on the old +chest of drawers where his was laid. + +The hideous old woman before mentioned brought us in a pot of very sour +wine, at which and at her ugliness I felt a considerable ill-humour. + +'Where's the beauty you promised me?' said I, as soon as the old hag had +left the room. + +'Bah!' said he, laughing, and looking hard at me: 'it was my joke. I was +tired, and did not care to go farther. There's no prettier woman here +than that. If she won't suit your fancy, my friend, you must wait a +while.' + +This increased my ill-humour. + +'Upon my word, sir,' said I sternly, 'I think you have acted very +coolly!' + +'I have acted as I think fit!' replied the captain. + +'Sir,' said I, 'I'm a British officer!' + +'It's a lie!' roared the other, 'you're a DESERTER! You're an impostor, +sir; I have known you for such these three hours. I suspected you +yesterday. My men heard of a man escaping from Warburg, and I thought +you were the man. Your lies and folly have confirmed me. You pretend to +carry despatches to a general who has been dead these ten months: you +have an uncle who is an ambassador, and whose name forsooth you don't +know. Will you join and take the bounty, sir; or will you be given up?' + +'Neither!' said I, springing at him like a tiger. But, agile as I was, +he was equally on his guard. He took two pistols out of his pocket, +fired one off, and said, from the other end of the table where he stood +dodging me, as it were,-- + +'Advance a step, and I send this bullet into your brains!' In another +minute the door was flung open, and the two sergeants entered, armed +with musket and bayonet to aid their comrade. + +The game was up. I flung down a knife with which I had armed myself; for +the old hag on bringing in the wine had removed my sword. + +'I volunteer,' said I. + +'That's my good fellow. What name shall I put on my list?' + +'Write Redmond Barry of Bally Barry,' said I haughtily; 'a descendant of +the Irish kings!' + +'I was once with the Irish brigade, Roche's,' said the recruiter, +sneering, 'trying if I could get any likely fellows among the few +countrymen of yours that are in the brigade, and there was scarcely one +of them that was not descended from the kings of Ireland.' + +'Sir,' said I, 'king or not, I am a gentleman, as you can see.' + +'Oh! you will find plenty more in our corps,' answered the Captain, +still in the sneering mood. 'Give up your papers, Mr. Gentleman, and let +us see who you really are.' + +As my pocket-book contained some bank-notes as well as papers of Mr. +Fakenham's, I was not willing to give up my property; suspecting very +rightly that it was but a scheme on the part of the Captain to get and +keep it. + +'It can matter very little to you,' said I, 'what my private papers are: +I am enlisted under the name of Redmond Barry.' + +'Give it up, sirrah!' said the Captain, seizing his cane. + +'I will not give it up!' answered I. + +'HOUND! do you mutiny?' screamed he, and, at the same time, gave me a +lash across the face with the cane, which had the anticipated effect +of producing a struggle. I dashed forward to grapple with him, the two +sergeants flung themselves on me, I was thrown to the ground and +stunned again; being hit on my former wound in the head. It was bleeding +severely when I came to myself, my laced coat was already torn off my +back, my purse and papers gone, and my hands tied behind my back. + +The great and illustrious Frederick had scores of these white +slave-dealers all round the frontiers of his kingdom, debauching troops +or kidnapping peasants, and hesitating at no crime to supply those +brilliant regiments of his with food for powder; and I cannot help +telling here, with some satisfaction, the fate which ultimately befell +the atrocious scoundrel who, violating all the rights of friendship and +good-fellowship, had just succeeded in entrapping me. This individual +was a person of high family and known talents and courage, but who had +a propensity to gambling and extravagance, and found his calling as a +recruit-decoy far more profitable to him than his pay of second captain +in the line. The sovereign, too, probably found his services more useful +in the former capacity. His name was Monsieur de Galgenstein, and he was +one of the most successful of the practisers of his rascally trade. He +spoke all languages, and knew all countries, and hence had no difficulty +in finding out the simple braggadocio of a young lad like me. + +About 1765, however, he came to his justly merited end. He was at this +time living at Kehl, opposite Strasburg, and used to take his walk upon +the bridge there, and get into conversation with the French advanced +sentinels; to whom he was in the habit of promising 'mountains and +marvels,' as the French say, if they would take service in Prussia. +One day there was on the bridge a superb grenadier, whom Galgenstein +accosted, and to whom he promised a company, at least, if he would +enlist under Frederick. + +'Ask my comrade yonder,' said the grenadier; 'I can do nothing without +him. We were born and bred together, we are of the same company, sleep +in the same room, and always go in pairs. If he will go and you will +give him a captaincy, I will go too.' + +'Bring your comrade over to Kehl,' said Galgenstein, delighted. 'I will +give you the best of dinners, and can promise to satisfy both of you.' + +'Had you not better speak to him on the bridge?' said the grenadier. +'I dare not leave my post; but you have but to pass, and talk over the +matter.' + +Galgenstein, after a little parley, passed the sentinel; but presently a +panic took him, and he retraced his steps. But the grenadier brought +his bayonet to the Prussian's breast and bade him stand: that he was his +prisoner. + +The Prussian, however, seeing his danger, made a bound across the bridge +and into the Rhine; whither, flinging aside his musket, the intrepid +sentry followed him. The Frenchman was the better swimmer of the two, +seized upon the recruiter, and bore him to the Strasburg side of the +stream, where he gave him up. + +'You deserve to be shot,' said the general to him, 'for abandoning your +post and arms; but you merit reward for an act of courage and daring. +The King prefers to reward you,' and the man received money and +promotion. + +As for Galgenstein, he declared his quality as a nobleman and a captain +in the Prussian service, and applications were made to Berlin to know if +his representations were true. But the King, though he employed men of +this stamp (officers to seduce the subjects of his allies) could not +acknowledge his own shame. Letters were written back from Berlin to +say that such a family existed in the kingdom, but that the person +representing himself to belong to it must be an impostor, for +every officer of the name was at his regiment and his post. It was +Galgenstein's death-warrant, and he was hanged as a spy in Strasburg. + + 'Turn him into the cart with the rest,' said he, as soon as I awoke +from my trance. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. THE CRIMP WAGGON--MILITARY EPISODES + +The covered waggon to which I was ordered to march was standing, as I +have said, in the courtyard of the farm, with another dismal vehicle +of the same kind hard by it. Each was pretty well filled with a crew of +men, whom the atrocious crimp who had seized upon me, had enlisted under +the banners of the glorious Frederick; and I could see by the lanterns +of the sentinels, as they thrust me into the straw, a dozen dark figures +huddled together in the horrible moving prison where I was now to be +confined. A scream and a curse from my opposite neighbour showed me that +he was most likely wounded, as I myself was; and, during the whole of +the wretched night, the moans and sobs of the poor fellows in similar +captivity kept up a continual painful chorus, which effectually +prevented my getting any relief from my ills in sleep. At midnight +(as far as I could judge) the horses were put to the waggons, and the +creaking lumbering machines were put in motion. A couple of soldiers, +strongly armed, sat on the outer bench of the cart, and their grim faces +peered in with their lanterns every now and then through the canvas +curtains, that they might count the number of their prisoners. The +brutes were half-drunk, and were singing love and war songs, such as 'O +Gretchen mein Taubchen, mein Herzenstrompet, Mein Kanon, mein Heerpauk +und meine Musket,' 'Prinz Eugen der edle Ritter.' and the like; their +wild whoops and jodels making doleful discord with the groans of us +captives within the waggons. Many a time afterwards have I heard these +ditties sung on the march, or in the barrack-room, or round the fires as +we lay out at night. + +I was not near so unhappy, in spite of all, as I had been on my first +enlisting in Ireland. At least, thought I, if I am degraded to be a +private soldier there will be no one of my acquaintance who will witness +my shame; and that is the point which I have always cared for most. +There will be no one to say, 'There is young Redmond Barry, the +descendant or the Barrys, the fashionable young blood of Dublin, +pipeclaying his belt and carrying his brown Bess.' Indeed, but for +that opinion of the world, with which it is necessary that every man of +spirit should keep upon equal terms, I, for my part, would have always +been contented with the humblest portion. Now here, to all intents +and purposes, one was as far removed from the world as in the wilds +of Siberia, or in Robinson Crusoe's Island. And I reasoned with myself +thus:--'Now you are caught, there is no use in repining: make the best +of your situation, and get all the pleasure you can out of it. There +are a thousand opportunities of plunder, &c., offered to the soldier in +war-time, out of which he can get both pleasure and profit: make use of +these, and be happy. Besides, you are extraordinarily brave, handsome, +and clever: and who knows but you may procure advancement in your new +service?' + +In this philosophical way I looked at my misfortunes, determining not +to be cast down by them; and bore woes and my broken head with perfect +magnanimity. The latter was, for the moment, an evil against which it +required no small powers of endurance to contend; for the jolts of the +waggon were dreadful, and every shake caused a throb in my brain which I +thought would have split my skull. As the morning dawned, I saw that the +man next me, a gaunt yellow-haired creature, in black, had a cushion of +straw under his head. + +'Are you wounded, comrade?' said I. + +'Praised be the Lord,' said he, 'I am sore hurt in spirit and body, +and bruised in many members; wounded, however, am I not. And you, poor +youth?' + +'I am wounded in the head,' said I, 'and I want your pillow: give +it me--I've a clasp-knife in my pocket!' and with this I gave him a +terrible look, meaning to say (and mean it I did, for look you, A LA +GUERRE C'EST A LA GUERRE, and I am none of your milksops) that, unless +he yielded me the accommodation, I would give him a taste of my steel. + +'I would give it thee without any threat, friend,' said the +yellow-haired man meekly, and handed me over his little sack of straw. + +He then leaned himself back as comfortably as he could against the +cart, and began repeating, 'Ein' feste Burg ist unser Gott,' by which I +concluded that I had got into the company of a parson. With the jolts of +the waggon, and accidents of the journey, various more exclamations and +movements of the passengers showed what a motley company we were. Every +now and then a countryman would burst into tears; a French voice would +be heard to say, 'O mon Dieu!--mon Dieu!' a couple more of the same +nation were jabbering oaths and chattering incessantly; and a certain +allusion to his own and everybody else's eyes, which came from a +stalwart figure at the far corner, told me that there was certainly an +Englishman in our crew. + +But I was spared soon the tedium and discomforts of the journey. In +spite of the clergyman's cushion, my head, which was throbbing with +pain, was brought abruptly in contact with the side of the waggon; it +began to bleed afresh: I became almost light-headed. I only recollect +having a draught of water here and there; once stopping at a fortified +town, where an officer counted us:--all the rest of the journey was +passed in a drowsy stupor, from which, when I awoke, I found myself +lying in a hospital bed, with a nun in a white hood watching over me. + +'They are in sad spiritual darkness,' said a voice from the bed next to +me, when the nun had finished her kind offices and retired: 'they are +in the night of error, and yet there is the light of faith in those poor +creatures.' + +It was my comrade of the crimp waggon, his huge broad face looming out +from under a white nightcap, and ensconced in the bed beside. + +'What! you there, Herr Pastor?' said I. + +'Only a candidate, sir,' answered the white nightcap. 'But, praised be +Heaven! you have come to. You have had a wild time of it. You have been +talking in the English language (with which I am acquainted) of Ireland, +and a young lady, and Mick, and of another young lady, and of a house on +fire, and of the British Grenadiers, concerning whom you sung us parts +of a ballad, and of a number of other matters appertaining, no doubt, to +your personal history.' + +'It has been a very strange one,' said I; 'and, perhaps, there is no man +in the world, of my birth, whose misfortunes can at all be compared to +mine.' + +I do not object to own that I am disposed to brag of my birth and +other acquirements; for I have always found that if a man does not give +himself a good word, his friends will not do it for him. + +'Well,' said my fellow-patient, 'I have no doubt yours is a strange +tale, and shall be glad to hear it anon; but at present you must not +be permitted to speak much, for your fever has been long, and your +exhaustion great.' + +'Where are we?' I asked; and the candidate informed me that we were in +the bishopric and town of Fulda, at present occupied by Prince Henry's +troops. There had been a skirmish with an out-party of French near the +town, in which a shot entering the waggon, the poor candidate had been +wounded. + +As the reader knows already my history, I will not take the trouble +to repeat it here, or to give the additions with which I favoured +my comrade in misfortune. But I confess that I told him ours was the +greatest family and finest palace in Ireland, that we were enormously +wealthy, related to all the peerage descended from the ancient kings, +&c.; and, to my surprise, in the course of our conversation, I found +that my interlocutor knew a great deal more about Ireland than I did. +When, for instance, I spoke of my descent,-- + +'From which race of kings?' said he. + +'Oh!' said I (for my memory for dates was never very accurate), 'from +the old ancient kings of all.' + +'What! can you trace your origin to the sons Japhet?' said he. + +''Faith, I can,' answered I, 'and farther too,--Nebuchadnezzar, if you +like.' + +'I see,' said the candidate, smiling, 'that you look upon those legends +with incredulity. These Partholans and Nemedians, of whom your writers +fondly make mention, cannot be authentically vouched for in history. Nor +do I believe that we have any more foundation for the tales concerning +them, than for the legends relative to Joseph of Arimathea and King +Bruce which prevailed two centuries back in the sister island. + +And then he began a discourse about the Phoenicians, the Scyths or +Goths, the Tuath de Danans, Tacitus, and King MacNeil; which was, to say +the truth, the very first news I had heard of those personages. As for +English, he spoke it as well as I, and had seven more languages, he +said, equally at his command; for, on my quoting the only Latin line +that I knew, that out of the poet Homer, which says,-- + + 'As in praesenti perfectum fumat in avi,' + +he began to speak to me in the Roman tongue; on which I was fain to tell +him that we pronounced it in a different way in Ireland, and so got off +the conversation. + +My honest friend's history was a curious one, and it may be told here in +order to show of what motley materials our levies were composed:-- + +'I am,' said he, 'a Saxon by birth, my father being pastor of the +village of Pfannkuchen, where I imbibed the first rudiments of +knowledge. At sixteen (I am now twenty-three), having mastered the Greek +and Latin tongues, with the French, English, Arabic, and Hebrew; and +having come into possession of a legacy of a hundred rixdalers, a sum +amply sufficient to defray my University courses, I went to the famous +academy of Gottingen, where I devoted four years to the exact sciences +and theology. Also, I learned what worldly accomplishments I could +command; taking a dancing-tutor at the expense of a groschen a lesson, a +course of fencing from a French practitioner, and attending lectures +on the great horse and the equestrian science at the hippodrome of a +celebrated cavalry professor. My opinion is, that a man should know +everything as far as in his power lies: that he should complete his +cycle of experience; and, one science being as necessary as another, it +behoves him. + +'I am not of a saving turn, hence my little fortune of a hundred +rixdalers, which has served to keep many a prudent man for a score of +years, barely sufficed for five years' studies; after which my studies +were interrupted, my pupils fell off, and I was obliged to devote much +time to shoe-binding in order to save money, and, at a future +period, resume my academic course. During this period I contracted an +attachment' (here the candidate sighed a little) 'with a person, +who, though not beautiful, and forty years of age, is yet likely to +sympathise with my existence; and, a month since, my kind friend and +patron, University Prorector Doctor Nasenbrumm, having informed me that +the Pfarrer of Rumpelwitz was dead, asked whether I would like to have +my name placed upon the candidate list, and if I were minded to preach a +trial sermon? As the gaining of this living would further my union with +my Amalia, I joyously consented, and prepared a discourse. + +'If you like I will recite it to you--No?--Well, I will give you +extracts from it upon our line of march. To proceed, then, with my +biographical sketch, which is now very near a conclusion; or, as I +should more correctly say, which has very nearly brought me to the +present period of time: I preached that sermon at Rumpelwitz, in which I +hope that the Babylonian question was pretty satisfactorily set at +rest. I preached it before the Herr Baron and his noble family, and some +officers of distinction who were staying at his castle. Mr. Doctor Moser +of Halle followed me in the evening discourse; but, though his exercise +was learned, and he disposed of a passage of Ignatius, which he proved +to be a manifest interpolation, I do not think his sermon had the effect +which mine produced, and that the Rumpelwitzers much relished it. After +the sermon, all the candidates walked out of church together, and supped +lovingly at the "Blue Stag" in Rumpelwitz. + +'While so occupied, a waiter came in and said that a person without +wished to speak to one of the reverend candidates, "the tall one." This +could only mean me, for I was a head and shoulders higher than any +other reverend gentleman present. I issued out to see who was the +person desiring to hold converse with me, and found a man whom I had no +difficulty in recognising as one of the Jewish persuasion. + +'"Sir," said this Hebrew, "I have heard from a friend, who was in your +church to-day, the heads of the admirable discourse you pronounced +there. It has affected me deeply, most deeply. There are only one or +two points on which I am yet in doubt, and if your honour could but +condescend to enlighten me on these, I think--I think Solomon Hirsch +would be a convert to your eloquence." + +'"What are these points, my good friend?" said I; and I pointed out to +him the twenty-four heads of my sermon, asking him in which of these his +doubts lay. + +'We had been walking up and down before the inn while our conversation +took place, but the windows being open, and my comrades having heard the +discourse in the morning, requested me, rather peevishly, not to resume +it at that period. I, therefore, moved on with my disciple, and, at his +request, began at once the sermon; for my memory is good for anything, +and I can repeat any book I have read thrice. + +'I poured out, then, under the trees, and in the calm moonlight, that +discourse which I had pronounced under the blazing sun of noon. My +Israelite only interrupted me by exclamations indicative of surprise, +assent, admiration, and increasing conviction. "Prodigious!" said +he;--"Wunderschon!" would he remark at the conclusion of some eloquent +passage; in a word, he exhausted the complimentary interjections of our +language: and to compliments what man is averse? I think we must have +walked two miles when I got to my third head and my companion begged I +would enter his house, which we now neared, and partake of a glass of +beer; to which I was never averse. + +'That house, sir, was the inn at which you, too, if I judge aright, were +taken. No sooner was I in the place, than three crimps rushed upon me, +told me I was a deserter, and their prisoner, and called upon me to +deliver up my money and papers; which I did with a solemn protest as +to my sacred character. They consisted of my sermon in MS., Prorector +Nasenbrumm's recommendatory letter, proving my identity, and three +groschen four pfennigs in bullion. I had already been in the cart twenty +hours when you reached the house. The French officer, who lay opposite +you (he who screamed when you trod on his foot, for he was wounded), +was brought in shortly before your arrival. He had been taken with his +epaulets and regimentals, and declared his quality and rank; but he was +alone (I believe it was some affair of love with a Hessian lady which +caused him to be unattended); and as the persons into whose hands he +fell will make more profit of him as a recruit than as a prisoner, he is +made to share our fate. He is not the first by many scores so captured. +One of M. de Soubise's cooks, and three actors out of a troop in the +French camp, several deserters from your English troops (the men are led +away by being told that there is no flogging in the Prussian service), +and three Dutchmen were taken besides.' + +'And you,' said I--'you who were just on the point of getting a valuable +living,--you who have so much learning, are you not indignant at the +outrage?' + +'I am a Saxon,' said the candidate, 'and there is no use in indignation. +Our government is crushed under Frederick's heel these five years, and +I might as well hope for mercy from the Grand Mogul. Nor am I, in truth, +discontented with my lot; I have lived on a penny bread for so many +years, that a soldier's rations will be a luxury to me. I do not care +about more or less blows of a cane; all such evils are passing, and +therefore endurable. I will never, God willing, slay a man in combat; +but I am not unanxious to experience on myself the effect of the +war-passion, which has had so great an influence on the human race. It +was for the same reason that I determined to marry Amalia, for a man is +not a complete Mensch until he is the father of a family; to be which +is a condition of his existence, and therefore a duty of his education. +Amalia must wait; she is out of the reach of want, being, indeed, cook +to the Frau Prorectorinn Nasenbrumm, my worthy patron's lady. I have one +or two books with me, which no one is likely to take from me, and one in +my heart which is the best of all. If it shall please Heaven to finish +my existence here, before I can prosecute my studies further, what cause +have I to repine? I pray God I may not be mistaken, but I think I have +wronged no man, and committed no mortal sin. If I have, I know where to +look for forgiveness; and if I die, as I have said, without knowing all +that I would desire to learn, shall I not be in a situation to learn +EVERYTHING, and what can human soul ask for more? + +'Pardon me for putting so many _I_'s in my discourse,' said the +candidate, 'but when a man is talking of himself, 'tis the briefest and +simplest way of talking.' + +In which, perhaps, though I hate egotism, I think my friend was right. +Although he acknowledged himself to be a mean-spirited fellow, with no +more ambition than to know the contents of a few musty books, I think +the man had some good in him; especially in the resolution with which he +bore his calamities. Many a gallant man of the highest honour is often +not proof against these, and has been known to despair over a bad +dinner, or to be cast down at a ragged-elbowed coat. MY maxim is to bear +all, to put up with water if you cannot get Burgundy, and if you have no +velvet to be content with frieze. But Burgundy and velvet are the best, +bien entendu, and the man is a fool who will not seize the best when the +scramble is open. + +The heads of the sermon which my friend the theologian intended to +impart to me, were, however, never told; for, after our coming out +of the hospital, he was drafted into a regiment quartered as far as +possible from his native country, in Pomerania; while I was put into +the Bulow regiment, of which the ordinary headquarters were Berlin. The +Prussian regiments seldom change their garrisons as ours do, for the +fear of desertion is so great, that it becomes necessary to know the +face of every individual in the service; and, in time of peace, men live +and die in the same town. This does not add, as may be imagined, to the +amusements of the soldier's life. It is lest any young gentleman like +myself should take a fancy to a military career, and fancy that of a +private soldier a tolerable one, that I am giving these, I hope, moral +descriptions of what we poor fellows in the ranks really suffered. + +As soon as we recovered, we were dismissed from the nuns and the +hospital to the town prison of Fulda, where we were kept like slaves and +criminals, with artillerymen with lighted matches at the doors of the +courtyards and the huge black dormitory where some hundreds of us lay; +until we were despatched to our different destinations. It was soon seen +by the exercise which were the old soldiers amongst us, and which the +recruits; and for the former, while we lay in prison, there was a little +more leisure: though, if possible, a still more strict watch kept than +over the broken-spirited yokels who had been forced or coaxed into the +service. To describe the characters here assembled would require Mr. +Gilray's own pencil. There were men of all nations and callings. The +Englishmen boxed and bullied; the Frenchmen played cards, and danced, +and fenced; the heavy Germans smoked their pipes and drank beer, if they +could manage to purchase it. Those who had anything to risk gambled, and +at this sport I was pretty lucky, for, not having a penny when I entered +the depot (having been robbed of every farthing of my property by the +rascally crimps), I won near a dollar in my very first game at cards +with one of the Frenchmen; who did not think of asking whether I could +pay or not upon losing. Such, at least, is the advantage of having a +gentlemanlike appearance; it has saved me many a time since by procuring +me credit when my fortunes were at their lowest ebb. + +Among the Frenchmen there was a splendid man and soldier, whose +real name we never knew, but whose ultimate history created no small +sensation, when it came to be known in the Prussian army. If beauty and +courage are proofs of nobility, as (although I have seen some of the +ugliest dogs and the greatest cowards in the world in the noblesse) I +have no doubt courage and beauty are, this Frenchman must have been of +the highest families in France, so grand and noble was his manner, so +superb his person. He was not quite so tall as myself, fair, while I am +dark, and, if possible, rather broader in the shoulders. He was the only +man I ever met who could master me with the small-sword; with which he +would pink me four times to my three. As for the sabre, I could knock +him to pieces with it; and I could leap farther and carry more than +he could. This, however, is mere egotism. This Frenchman, with whom I +became pretty intimate--for we were the two cocks, as it were, of the +depot, and neither had any feeling of low jealousy--was called, for want +of a better name, Le Blondin, on account of his complexion. He was not a +deserter, but had come in from the Lower Rhine and the bishoprics, as I +fancy; fortune having proved unfavourable to him at play probably, and +other means of existence being denied him. I suspect that the Bastile +was waiting for him in his own country, had he taken a fancy to return +thither. + +He was passionately fond of play and liquor, and thus we had a +considerable sympathy together: when excited by one or the other, he +became frightful. I, for my part, can bear, without wincing, both ill +luck and wine; hence my advantage over him was considerable in our +bouts, and I won enough money from him to make my position tenable. He +had a wife outside (who, I take it, was the cause of his misfortunes +and separation from his family), and she used to be admitted to see him +twice or thrice a week, and never came empty-handed---a little brown +bright-eyed creature, whose ogles had made the greatest impression upon +all the world. + +This man was drafted into a regiment that was quartered at Neiss in +Silesia, which is only at a short distance from the Austrian frontier; +he maintained always the same character for daring and skill, and was, +in the secret republic of the regiment--which always exists as well +as the regular military hierarchy--the acknowledged leader. He was +an admirable soldier, as I have said; but haughty, dissolute, and a +drunkard. A man of this mark, unless he takes care to coax and flatter +his officers (which I always did), is sure to fall out with them. Le +Blondin's captain was his sworn enemy, and his punishments were frequent +and severe. + +His wife and the women of the regiment (this was after the peace) used +to carry on a little commerce of smuggling across the Austrian frontier, +where their dealings were winked at by both parties; and in obedience +to the instructions of her husband, this woman, from every one of her +excursions, would bring in a little powder and ball: commodities which +are not to be procured by the Prussian soldier, and which were stowed +away in secret till wanted. They WERE to be wanted, and that soon. + +Le Blondin had organised a great and extraordinary conspiracy. We don't +know how far it went, how many hundreds or thousands it embraced; but +strange were the stories told about the plot amongst us privates: for +the news was spread from garrison to garrison, and talked of by the +army, in spite of all the Government efforts to hush it up--hush it +up, indeed! I have been of the people myself; I have seen the Irish +rebellion, and I know what is the free-masonry of the poor. + +He made himself the head of the plot. There were no writings nor papers. +No single one of the conspirators communicated with any other than +the Frenchman; but personally he gave his orders to them all. He had +arranged matters for a general rising of the garrison, at twelve o'clock +on a certain day: the guard-houses in the town were to be seized, the +sentinels cut down, and--who knows the rest? Some of our people used +to say that the conspiracy was spread through all Silesia, and that Le +Blondin was to be made a general in the Austrian service. + +At twelve o'clock, and opposite the guard-house by the Bohmer-Thor of +Neiss, some thirty men were lounging about in their undress, and the +Frenchman stood near the sentinel of the guard-house, sharpening a wood +hatchet on a stone. At the stroke of twelve, he got up, split open the +sentinel's head with a blow of his axe, and the thirty men, rushing into +the guard-house, took possession of the arms there, and marched at once +to the gate. The sentry there tried to drop the bar, but the Frenchman +rushed up to him, and, with another blow of the axe, cut off his right +hand, with which he held the chain. Seeing the men rushing out armed, +the guard without the gate drew up across the road to prevent their +passage; but the Frenchman's thirty gave them a volley, charged them +with the bayonet, and brought down several, and the rest flying, the +thirty rushed on. The frontier is only a league from Neiss, and they +made rapidly towards it. + +But the alarm was given in the town, and what saved it was that the +clock by which the Frenchman went was a quarter of an hour faster than +any of the clocks in the town. The generale was beat, the troops +called to arms, and thus the men who were to have attacked the other +guard-houses, were obliged to fall into the ranks, and their project +was defeated. This, however, likewise rendered the discovery of the +conspirators impossible, for no man could betray his comrade, nor, of +course, would he criminate himself. + +Cavalry was sent in pursuit of the Frenchman and his thirty fugitives, +who were, by this time, far on their way to the Bohemian frontier. When +the horse came up with them, they turned, received them with a volley +and the bayonet, and drove them back. The Austrians were out at the +barriers, looking eagerly on at the conflict. The women, who were on the +look-out too, brought more ammunition to these intrepid deserters, and +they engaged and drove back the dragoons several times. But in these +gallant and fruitless combats much time was lost, and a battalion +presently came up, and surrounded the brave thirty; when the fate of the +poor fellows was decided. They fought with the fury of despair: not one +of them asked for quarter. When their ammunition failed, they fought +with the steel, and were shot down or bayoneted where they stood. The +Frenchman was the very last man who was hit. He received a bullet in the +thigh, and fell, and in this state was overpowered, killing the officer +who first advanced to seize him. + +He and the very few of his comrades who survived were carried back +to Neiss, and immediately, as the ringleader, he was brought before a +council of war. He refused all interrogations which were made as to his +real name and family. 'What matters who I am?' said he; 'you have me and +will shoot me. My name would not save me were it ever so famous.' In the +same way he declined to make a single discovery regarding the plot. 'It +was all my doing,' he said; 'each man engaged in it only knew me, and is +ignorant of every one of his comrades. The secret is mine alone, and +the secret shall die with me.' When the officers asked him what was the +reason which induced him to meditate a crime so horrible?--'It was +your infernal brutality and tyranny,' he said. 'You are all butchers, +ruffians, tigers, and you owe it to the cowardice of your men that you +were not murdered long ago.' + +At this his captain burst into the most furious exclamations against the +wounded man, and rushing up to him, struck him a blow with his fist. But +Le Blondin, wounded as he was, as quick as thought seized the bayonet of +one of the soldiers who supported him, and plunged it into the officer's +breast. 'Scoundrel and monster,' said he, 'I shall have the consolation +of sending you out of the world before I die.' He was shot that day. +He offered to write to the King, if the officers would agree to let his +letter go sealed into the hands of the postmaster; but they feared, no +doubt, that something might be said to inculpate themselves, and refused +him the permission. At the next review Frederick treated them, it is +said, with great severity, and rebuked them for not having granted the +Frenchman his request. However, it was the King's interest to conceal +the matter, and so it was, as I have said before, hushed up--so well +hushed up, that a hundred thousand soldiers in the army knew it; and +many's the one of us that has drunk to the Frenchman's memory over our +wine, as a martyr for the cause of the soldier. I shall have, +doubtless, some readers who will cry out at this, that I am encouraging +insubordination and advocating murder. If these men had served as +privates in the Prussian army from 1760 to 1765, they would not be +so apt to take objection. This man destroyed two sentinels to get his +liberty; how many hundreds of thousands of his own and the Austrian +people did King Frederick kill because he took a fancy to Silesia? It +was the accursed tyranny of the system that sharpened the axe which +brained the two sentinels of Neiss: and so let officers take warning, +and think twice ere they visit poor fellows with the cane. + +I could tell many more stories about the army; but as, from having been +a soldier myself, all my sympathies are in the ranks, no doubt my +tales would be pronounced to be of an immoral tendency, and I had best, +therefore, be brief. Fancy my surprise while in this depot, when one day +a well-known voice saluted my ear, and I heard a meagre young gentleman, +who was brought in by a couple of troopers and received a few cuts +across the shoulders from one of them, say in the best English, 'You +infernal WASCAL, I'll be wevenged for this. I'll WITE to my ambassador, +as sure as my name's Fakenham of Fakenham.' I burst out laughing at +this: it was my old acquaintance in MY corporal's coat. Lischen had +sworn stoutly, that he was really and truly the private, and the poor +fellow had been drafted off, and was to be made one of us. But I bear no +malice, and having made the whole room roar with the story of the way +in which I had tricked the poor lad, I gave him a piece of advice, which +procured him his liberty. 'Go to the inspecting officer,' said I; 'if +they once get you into Prussia it is all over with you, and they will +never give you up. Go now to the commandant of the depot, promise him +a hundred--five hundred guineas to set you free; say that the crimping +captain has your papers and portfolio' (this was true); 'above all, show +him that you have the means of paying him the promised money, and I will +warrant you are set free.' He did as I advised, and when we were put on +the march Mr. Fakenham found means to be allowed to go into hospital, +and while in hospital the matter was arranged as I had recommended. +He had nearly, however, missed his freedom by his own stinginess in +bargaining for it, and never showed the least gratitude towards me his +benefactor. + +I am not going to give any romantic narrative of the Seven Years' War. +At the close of it, the Prussian army, so renowned for its disciplined +valour, was officered and under-officered by native Prussians, it is +true; but was composed for the most part of men hired or stolen, like +myself, from almost every nation in Europe. The deserting to and fro +was prodigious. In my regiment (Bulow's) alone before the war, there had +been no less than 600 Frenchmen, and as they marched out of Berlin +for the campaign, one of the fellows had an old fiddle on which he +was flaying a French tune, and his comrades danced almost, rather than +walked, after him, singing, 'Nous allons en France.' Two years after, +when they returned to Berlin, there were only six of these men left; the +rest had fled or were killed in action. The life the private soldier led +was a frightful one to any but men of iron courage and endurance. There +was a corporal to every three men, marching behind them, and pitilessly +using the cane; so much so that it used to be said that in action +there was a front rank of privates and a second rank of sergeants +and corporals to drive them on. Many men would give way to the most +frightful acts of despair under these incessant persecutions and +tortures; and amongst several regiments of the army a horrible practice +had sprung up, which for some time caused the greatest alarm to the +Government. This was a strange frightful custom of CHILD-MURDER. The men +used to say that life was unbearable, that suicide was a crime; in +order to avert which, and to finish with the intolerable misery of their +position, the best plan was to kill a young child, which was innocent, +and therefore secure of heaven, and then to deliver themselves up as +guilty of the murder. The King himself--the hero, sage, and philosopher, +the prince who had always liberality on his lips and who affected a +horror of capital punishments--was frightened at this dreadful protest, +on the part of the wretches whom he had kidnapped, against his monstrous +tyranny; but his only means of remedying the evil was strictly to forbid +that such criminals should be attended by any ecclesiastic whatever, and +denied all religious consolation. + +The punishment was incessant. Every officer had the liberty to inflict +it, and in peace it was more cruel than in war. For when peace came +the King turned adrift such of his officers as were not noble; whatever +their services might have been. He would call a captain to the front of +his company and say, 'He is not noble, let him go.' We were afraid of +him somehow, and were cowed before him like wild beasts before their +keeper. I have seen the bravest men of the army cry like children at a +cut of the cane; I have seen a little ensign of fifteen call out a man +of fifty from the ranks, a man who had been in a hundred battles, and +he has stood presenting arms, and sobbing and howling like a baby, while +the young wretch lashed him over the arms and thighs with the stick. +In a day of action this man would dare anything. A button might be awry +THEN and nobody touched him; but when they had made the brute fight, +then they lashed him again into subordination. Almost all of us yielded +to the spell--scarce one could break it. The French officer I have +spoken of as taken along with me, was in my company, and caned like +a dog. I met him at Versailles twenty years afterwards, and he turned +quite pale and sick when I spoke to him of old days. 'For God's sake,' +said he, 'don't talk of that time: I wake up from my sleep trembling and +crying even now.' + +As for me, after a very brief time (in which it must be confessed +I tasted, like my comrades, of the cane) and after I had found +opportunities to show myself to be a brave and dexterous soldier, I +took the means I had adopted in the English army to prevent any further +personal degradation. I wore a bullet around my neck, which I did not +take the pains to conceal, and I gave out that it should be for the man +or officer who caused me to be chastised. And there was something in +my character which made my superiors believe me; for that bullet had +already served me to kill an Austrian colonel, and I would have given +it to a Prussian with as little remorse. For what cared I for their +quarrels, or whether the eagle under which I marched had one head or +two? All I said was, 'No man shall find me tripping in my duty; but no +man shall ever lay a hand upon me.' And by this maxim I abided as long +as I remained in the service. + +I do not intend to make a history of battles in the Prussian any more +than in the English service. I did my duty in them as well as another, +and by the time that my moustache had grown to a decent length, which +it did when I was twenty years of age, there was not a braver, cleverer, +handsomer, and I must own, wickeder soldier in the Prussian army. I had +formed myself to the condition of the proper fighting beast; on a day of +action I was savage and happy; out of the field I took all the pleasure +I could get, and was by no means delicate as to its quality or the +manner of procuring it. The truth is, however, that there was among our +men a much higher tone of society than among the clumsy louts in the +English army, and our service was generally so strict that we had little +time for doing mischief. I am very dark and swarthy in complexion, +and was called by our fellows the 'Black Englander,' the 'Schwartzer +Englander,' or the English Devil. If any service was to be done, I was +sure to be put upon it. I got frequent gratifications of money, but no +promotion; and it was on the day after I had killed the Austrian colonel +(a great officer of Uhlans, whom I engaged--singly and on foot) that +General Bulow, my colonel, gave me two Frederics-d'or in front of the +regiment, and said, 'I reward thee now; but I fear I shall have to hang +thee one day or other.' I spent the money, and that I had taken from the +colonel's body, every groschen, that night with some jovial companions; +but as long as war lasted was never without a dollar in my purse. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. BARRY LEADS A GARRISON LIFE, AND FINDS MANY FRIENDS THERE + +After the war our regiment was garrisoned in the capital, the least +dull, perhaps, of all the towns of Prussia: but that does not say much +for its gaiety. Our service, which was always severe, still left many +hours of the day disengaged, in which we might take our pleasure had we +the means of paying for the same. Many of our mess got leave to work +in trades; but I had been brought up to none: and besides, my honour +forbade me; for as a gentleman, I could not soil my fingers by a manual +occupation. But our pay was barely enough to keep us from starving; and +as I have always been fond of pleasure, and as the position in which we +now were, in the midst of the capital, prevented us from resorting to +those means of levying contributions which are always pretty feasible in +wartime, I was obliged to adopt the only means left me of providing +for my expenses: and in a word became the ORDONNANZ, or confidential +military gentleman, of my captain. I spurned the office four years +previously, when it was made to me in the English service; but the +position is very different in a foreign country; besides, to tell the +truth, after five years in the ranks, a man's pride will submit to many +rebuffs which would be intolerable to him in an independent condition. + +The captain was a young man and had distinguished himself during the +war, or he would never have been advanced to rank so early. He was, +moreover, the nephew and heir of the Minister of Police, Monsieur de +Potzdorff, a relationship which no doubt aided in the young gentleman's +promotion. Captain de Potzdorff was a severe officer enough on parade or +in barracks, but he was a person easily led by flattery. I won his heart +in the first place by my manner of tying my hair in queue (indeed, +it was more neatly dressed than that of any man in the regiment), +and subsequently gained his confidence by a thousand little arts and +compliments, which as a gentleman myself I knew how to employ. He was a +man of pleasure, which he pursued more openly than most men in the stern +Court of the King; he was generous and careless with his purse, and he +had a great affection for Rhine wine: in all which qualities I sincerely +sympathised with him; and from which I, of course, had my profit. He was +disliked in the regiment, because he was supposed to have too intimate +relations with his uncle the Police Minister; to whom, it was hinted, he +carried the news of the corps. + +Before long I had ingratiated myself considerably with my officer, +and knew most of his affairs. Thus I was relieved from many drills and +parades, which would otherwise have fallen to my lot, and came in for a +number of perquisites; which enabled me to support a genteel figure and +to appear with some ECLAT in a certain, though it must be confessed very +humble, society in Berlin. Among the ladies I was always an especial +favourite, and so polished was my behaviour amongst them, that they +could not understand how I should have obtained my frightful nickname of +the Black Devil in the regiment. 'He is not so black as he is painted,' +I laughingly would say; and most of the ladies agreed that the private +was quite as well-bred as the captain: as indeed how should it be +otherwise, considering my education and birth? + +When I was sufficiently ingratiated with him, I asked leave to address a +letter to my poor mother in Ireland, to whom I had not given any news of +myself for many many years; for the letters of the foreign soldiers were +never admitted to the post, for fear of appeals or disturbances on the +part of their parents abroad. My captain agreed to find means to forward +the letter, and as I knew that he would open it, I took care to give it +him unsealed; thus showing my confidence in him. But the letter was, as +you may imagine, written so that the writer should come to no harm were +it intercepted. I begged my honoured mother's forgiveness for having +fled from her; I said that my extravagance and folly in my own country +I knew rendered my return thither impossible; but that she would, at +least, be glad to know that I was well and happy in the service of the +greatest monarch in the world, and that the soldier's life was most +agreeable to me: and, I added, that I had found a kind protector and +patron, who I hoped would some day provide for me as I knew it was out +of her power to do. I offered remembrances to all the girls at Castle +Brady, naming them from Biddy to Becky downwards, and signed myself, +as in truth I was, her affectionate son, Redmond Barry, in Captain +Potzdorffs company of the Bulowisch regiment of foot in garrison at +Berlin. Also I told her a pleasant story about the King kicking the +Chancellor and three judges downstairs, as he had done one day when I +was on guard at Potsdam, and said I hoped for another war soon, when I +might rise to be an officer. In fact, you might have imagined my letter +to be that of the happiest fellow in the world, and I was not on this +head at all sorry to mislead my kind parent. + +I was sure my letter was read, for Captain Potzdorff began asking me +some days afterwards about my family, and I told him the circumstances +pretty truly, all things considered. I was a cadet of a good family, but +my mother was almost ruined and had barely enough to support her eight +daughters, whom I named. I had been to study for the law at Dublin, +where I had got into debt and bad company, had killed a man in a +duel, and would be hanged or imprisoned by his powerful friends, if I +returned. I had enlisted in the English service, where an opportunity +for escape presented itself to me such as I could not resist; and +hereupon I told the story of Mr. Fakenham of Fakenham in such a way as +made my patron to be convulsed with laughter, and he told me afterwards +that he had repeated the story at Madame de Kamake's evening assembly, +where all the world was anxious to have a sight of the young Englander. + +'Was the British Ambassador there?' I asked, in a tone of the greatest +alarm, and added, 'For Heaven's sake, sir, do not tell my name to him, +or he might ask to have me delivered up: and I have no fancy to go to +be hanged in my dear native country.' Potzdorff, laughing, said he would +take care that I should remain where I was, on which I swore eternal +gratitude to him. + +Some days afterwards, and with rather a grave face, he said to me, +'Redmond, I have been talking to our colonel about you, and as I +wondered that a fellow of your courage and talents had not been advanced +during the war, the general said they had had their eye upon you: that +you were a gallant soldier, and had evidently come of a good stock; that +no man in the regiment had had less fault found with him; but that no +man merited promotion less. You were idle, dissolute, and unprincipled; +you had done a deal of harm to the men; and, for all your talents and +bravery, he was sure would come to no good.' + +'Sir!' said I, quite astonished that any mortal man should have formed +such an opinion of me, 'I hope General Bulow is mistaken regarding my +character. I have fallen into bad company, it is true; but I have only +done as other soldiers have done; and, above all, I have never had a +kind friend and protector before, to whom I might show that I was worthy +of better things. The general may say I am a ruined lad, and send me to +the d---l: but be sure of this, I would go to the d---l to serve YOU.' +This speech I saw pleased my patron very much; and, as I was very +discreet and useful in a thousand delicate ways to him, he soon came to +have a sincere attachment for me. One day, or rather night, when he +was tete-a-tete with the lady of the Tabaks Rath von Dose for instance, +I--But there is no use in telling affairs which concern nobody now. + +Four months after my letter to my mother, I got, under cover to the +Captain, a reply, which created in my mind a yearning after home, and +a melancholy which I cannot describe. I had not seen the dear soul's +writing for five years. All the old days, and the fresh happy sunshine +of the old green fields in Ireland, and her love, and my uncle, and Phil +Purcell, and everything that I had done and thought, came back to me +as I read the letter; and when I was alone I cried over it, as I hadn't +done since the day when Nora jilted me. I took care not to show my +feelings to the regiment or my captain: but that night, when I was +to have taken tea at the Garden-house outside Brandenburg Gate, with +Fraulein Lottchen (the Tabaks Rathinn's gentlewoman of company), I +somehow had not the courage to go; but begged to be excused, and went +early to bed in barracks, out of which I went and came now almost as I +willed, and passed a long night weeping and thinking about dear Ireland. + +Next day, my spirits rose again and I got a ten-guinea bill cashed, +which my mother sent in the letter, and gave a handsome treat to some of +my acquaintance. The poor soul's letter was blotted all over with tears, +full of texts, and written in the wildest incoherent way. She said +she was delighted to think I was under a Protestant prince, though she +feared he was not in the right way: that right way, she said, she had +the blessing to find, under the guidance of the Reverend Joshua Jowls, +whom she sat under. She said he was a precious chosen vessel; a sweet +ointment and precious box of spikenard; and made use of a great number +more phrases that I could not understand; but one thing was clear in the +midst of all this jargon, that the good soul loved her son still, and +thought and prayed day and night for her wild Redmond. Has it not come +across many a poor fellow, in a solitary night's watch, or in sorrow, +sickness, or captivity, that at that very minute, most likely, his +mother is praying for him? I often have had these thoughts; but they are +none of the gayest, and it's quite as well that they don't come to you +in company; for where would be a set of jolly fellows then?--as mute as +undertakers at a funeral, I promise you. I drank my mother's health that +night in a bumper, and lived like a gentleman whilst the money lasted. +She pinched herself to give it me, as she told me afterwards; and Mr. +Jowls was very wroth with her. Although the good soul's money was very +quickly spent, I was not long in getting more; for I had a hundred ways +of getting it, and became a universal favourite with the Captain and +his friends. Now, it was Madame von Dose who gave me a Frederic-d'or for +bringing her a bouquet or a letter from the Captain; now it was, on +the contrary, the old Privy Councillor who treated me with a bottle of +Rhenish, and slipped into my hand a dollar or two, in order that I might +give him some information regarding the liaison between my captain and +his lady. But though I was not such a fool as not to take his money, you +may be sure I was not dishonourable enough to betray my benefactor; and +he got very little out of ME. When the Captain and the lady fell out, +and he began to pay his addresses to the rich daughter of the Dutch +Minister, I don't know how many more letters and guineas the unfortunate +Tabaks Rathinn handed over to me, that I might get her lover back again. +But such returns are rare in love, and the Captain used only to laugh at +her stale sighs and entreaties. In the house of Mynheer Van Guldensack +I made myself so pleasant to high and low, that I came to be quite +intimate there: and got the knowledge of a state secret or two, which +surprised and pleased my captain very much. These little hints he +carried to his uncle, the Minister of Police, who, no doubt, made +his advantage of them; and thus I began to be received quite in a +confidential light by the Potzdorff family, and became a mere nominal +soldier, being allowed to appear in plain clothes (which were, I warrant +you, of a neat fashion), and to enjoy myself in a hundred ways, which +the poor fellows my comrades envied. As for the sergeants, they were as +civil to me as to an officer: it was as much as their stripes were worth +to offend a person who had the ear of the Minister's nephew. There was +in my company a young fellow by the name of Kurz, who was six feet high +in spite of his name, and whose life I had saved in some affair of +the war. What does this lad do, after I had recounted to him one of my +adventures, but call me a spy and informer, and beg me not to call +him DU any more, as is the fashion with young men when they are very +intimate. I had nothing for it but to call him out; but I owed him no +grudge. I disarmed him in a twinkling; and as I sent his sword flying +over his head, said to him, 'Kurz, did ever you know a man guilty of +a mean action who can do as I do now?' This silenced the rest of the +grumblers; and no man ever sneered at me after that. + +No man can suppose that to a person of my fashion the waiting in +antechambers, the conversation of footmen and hangers-on, was pleasant. +But it was not more degrading than the barrack-room, of which I need not +say I was heartily sick. My protestations of liking for the army were +all intended to throw dust into the eyes of my employer. I sighed to be +out of slavery. I knew I was born to make a figure in the world. Had I +been one of the Neiss garrison, I would have cut my way to freedom +by the side of the gallant Frenchman; but here I had only artifice to +enable me to attain my end, and was not I justified in employing it? My +plan was this: I may make myself so necessary to M. de Potzdorff, that +he will obtain my freedom. Once free, with my fine person and good +family, I will do what ten thousand Irish gentlemen have done before, +and will marry a lady of fortune and condition. And the proof that I +was, if not disinterested, at least actuated by a noble ambition, is +this. There was a fat grocer's widow in Berlin with six hundred thalers +of rent, and a good business, who gave me to understand that she would +purchase my discharge if I would marry her; but I frankly told her that +I was not made to be a grocer, and thus absolutely flung away a chance +of freedom which she offered me. + +And I was grateful to my employers; more grateful than they to me. The +Captain was in debt, and had dealings with the Jews, to whom he gave +notes of hand payable on his uncle's death. The old Herr von Potzdorff, +seeing the confidence his nephew had in me, offered to bribe me to know +what the young man's affairs really were. But what did I do? I informed +Monsieur George von Potzdorff of the fact; and we made out, in concert, +a list of little debts, so moderate, that they actually appeased the old +uncle instead of irritating, and he paid them, being glad to get off so +cheap. + +And a pretty return I got for this fidelity. One morning, the old +gentleman being closeted with his nephew (he used to come to get any +news stirring as to what the young officers of the regiment were doing: +whether this or that gambled; who intrigued, and with whom; who was at +the ridotto on such a night; who was in debt, and what not; for the King +liked to know the business of every officer in his army), I was +sent with a letter to the Marquis d'Argens (that afterwards married +Mademoiselle Cochois the actress), and, meeting the Marquis at a few +paces off in the street, gave my message, and returned to the Captain's +lodging. He and his worthy uncle were making my unworthy self the +subject of conversation. + +'He is noble,' said the Captain. + +'Bah!' replied the uncle (whom I could have throttled for his +insolence). 'All the beggarly Irish who ever enlisted tell the same +story.' + +'He was kidnapped by Galgenstein,' resumed the other. + +'A kidnapped deserter,' said M. Potzdorff; 'la belle affaire!' + +'Well, I promised the lad I would ask for his discharge; and I am sure +you can make him useful.' + +'You HAVE asked his discharge,' answered the elder, laughing. 'Bon Dieu! +You are a model of probity! You'll never succeed to my place, George, if +you are no wiser than you are just now. Make the fellow as useful to you +as you please. He has a good manner and a frank countenance. He can lie +with an assurance that I never saw surpassed, and fight, you say, on a +pinch. The scoundrel does not want for good qualities; but he is vain, a +spendthrift, and a bavard. As long as you have the regiment in terrorem +over him, you can do as you like with him. Once let him loose, and the +lad is likely to give you the slip. Keep on promising him; promise to +make him a general, if you like. What the deuce do I care? There are +spies enough to be had in this town without him.' + +It was thus that the services I rendered to M. Potzdorff were qualified +by that ungrateful old gentleman; and I stole away from the room +extremely troubled in spirit, to think that another of my fond dreams +was thus dispelled; and that my hopes of getting out of the army, +by being useful to the Captain, were entirely vain. For some time +my despair was such, that I thought of marrying the widow; but the +marriages of privates are never allowed without the direct permission +of the King; and it was a matter of very great doubt whether His Majesty +would allow a young fellow of twenty-two, the handsomest man of his +army, to be coupled to a pimplefaced old widow of sixty, who was +quite beyond the age when her marriage would be likely to multiply the +subjects of His Majesty. This hope of liberty was therefore vain; nor +could I hope to purchase my discharge, unless any charitable soul would +lend me a large sum of money; for, though I made a good deal, as I +have said, yet I have always had through life an incorrigible knack of +spending, and (such is my generosity of disposition) have been in debt +ever since I was born. + +My captain, the sly rascal! gave me a very different version of his +conversation with his uncle to that which I knew to be the true one; and +said smilingly to me, 'Redmond, I have spoken to the Minister regarding +thy services,[Footnote: The service about which Mr. Barry here speaks +has, and we suspect purposely, been described by him in very dubious +terms. It is most probable that he was employed to wait at the table +of strangers in Berlin, and to bring to the Police Minister any news +concerning them which might at all interest the Government. The great +Frederick never received a guest without taking these hospitable +precautions; and as for the duels which Mr. Barry fights, may we be +allowed to hint a doubt as to a great number of these combats. It will +be observed, in one or two other parts of his Memoirs, that whenever he +is at an awkward pass, or does what the world does not usually consider +respectable, a duel, in which he is victorious, is sure to ensue; from +which he argues that he is a man of undoubted honour.] and thy fortune +is made. We shall get thee out of the army, appoint thee to the police +bureau, and procure for thee an inspectorship of customs; and, in fine, +allow thee to move in a better sphere than that in which Fortune has +hitherto placed thee. + +Although I did not believe a word of this speech, I affected to be very +much moved by it, and of course swore eternal gratitude to the Captain +for his kindness to the poor Irish castaway. + +'Your service at the Dutch Minister's has pleased me very well. There is +another occasion on which you may make yourself useful to us; and if you +succeed, depend on it your reward will be secure.' + +'What is the service, sir?' said I; 'I will do anything for so kind a +master.' + +'There is lately come to Berlin,' said the Captain, 'a gentleman in +the service of the Empress-Queen, who calls himself the Chevalier de +Balibari, and wears the red riband and star of the Pope's order of the +Spur. He speaks Italian or French indifferently; but we have some +reason to fancy this Monsieur de Balibari is a native of your country of +Ireland. Did you ever hear such a name as Balibari in Ireland?' + +'Balibari? Balyb--?' A sudden thought flashed across me. 'No, sir,' said +I, 'I never heard the name.' + +'You must go into his service. Of course you will not know a word of +English: and if the Chevalier asks as to the particularity of your +accent, say you are a Hungarian. The servant who came with him will be +turned away to-day, and the person to whom he has applied for a faithful +fellow will recommend you. You are a Hungarian; you served in the Seven +Years' War. You left the army on account of weakness of the loins. You +served Monsieur de Quellenberg two years; he is now with the army in +Silesia, but there is your certificate signed by him. You afterwards +lived with Doctor Mopsius, who will give you a character, if need be; +and the landlord of the "Star" will, of course, certify that you are an +honest fellow: but his certificate goes for nothing. As for the rest of +your story, you can fashion that as you will, and make it as romantic +or as ludicrous as your fancy dictates. Try, however, to win the +Chevalier's confidence by provoking his compassion. He gambles a great +deal, and WINS. Do you know the cards well?' + +'Only a very little, as soldiers do.' + +'I had thought you more expert. You must find out if the Chevalier +cheats; if he does, we have him. He sees the English and Austrian envoys +continually, and the young men of either Ministry sup repeatedly at his +house. Find out what they talk of; for how much each plays, especially +if any of them play on parole: if you can read his private letters, of +course you will; though about those which go to the post, you need not +trouble yourself; we look at them there. But never see him write a note +without finding out to whom it goes, and by what channel or messenger. +He sleeps with the keys of his despatch-box on a string round his neck. +Twenty Frederics, if you get an impression of the keys. You will, of +course, go in plain clothes. You had best brush the powder out of your +hair, and tie it with a riband simply; your moustache you must of course +shave off. + +With these instructions, and a very small gratuity, the Captain left me. +When I again saw him, he was amused at the change in my appearance. +I had, not without a pang (for they were as black as jet, and curled +elegantly), shaved off my moustaches; had removed the odious grease and +flour, which I always abominated, out of my hair; had mounted a demure +French grey coat, black satin breeches, and a maroon plush waistcoat, +and a hat without a cockade. I looked as meek and humble as any servant +out of place could possibly appear; and I think not my own regiment, +which was now at the review at Potsdam, would have known me. Thus +accoutred, I went to the 'Star Hotel,' where this stranger was,--my +heart beating with anxiety, and something telling me that this Chevalier +de Balibari was no other than Barry, of Ballybarry, my father's eldest +brother, who had given up his estate in consequence of his obstinate +adherence to the Romish superstition. Before I went in to present +myself, I went to look in the remises at his carriage. Had he the Barry +arms? Yes, there they were: argent, a bend gules, with four escallops of +the field,--the ancient coat of my house. They were painted in a shield +about as big as my hat, on a smart chariot handsomely gilded, surmounted +with a coronet, and supported by eight or nine Cupids, cornucopias, and +flower-baskets, according to the queer heraldic fashion of those days. +It must be he! I felt quite feint as I went up the stairs. I was going +to present myself before my uncle in the character of a servant! + +'You are the young man whom M. de Seebach recommended?' + +I bowed, and handed him a letter from that gentleman, with which my +captain had taken care to provide me. As he looked at it I had leisure +to examine him. My uncle was a man of sixty years of age, dressed +superbly in a coat and breeches of apricot-coloured velvet, a white +satin waistcoat embroidered with gold like the coat. Across his breast +went the purple riband of his order of the Spur; and the star of the +order, an enormous one, sparkled on his breast. He had rings on all his +fingers, a couple of watches in his fobs, a rich diamond solitaire in +the black riband round his neck, and fastened to the bag of his wig; his +ruffles and frills were decorated with a profusion of the richest lace. +He had pink silk stockings rolled over the knee, and tied with gold +garters; and enormous diamond buckles to his red-heeled shoes. A sword +mounted in gold, in a white fish-skin scabbard; and a hat richly laced, +and lined with white feathers, which were lying on a table beside him, +completed the costume of this splendid gentleman. In height he was +about my size, that is, six feet and half an inch; his cast of features +singularly like mine, and extremely distingue. One of his eyes was +closed with a black patch, however; he wore a little white and red +paint, by no means an unusual ornament in those days; and a pair of +moustaches, which fell over his lip and hid a mouth that I afterwards +found had rather a disagreeable expression. When his beard was removed, +the upper teeth appeared to project very much; and his countenance wore +a ghastly fixed smile, by no means pleasant. + +It was very imprudent of me; but when I saw the splendour of his +appearance, the nobleness of his manner, I felt it impossible to keep +disguise with him; and when he said, 'Ah, you are a Hungarian, I see!' I +could hold no longer. + +'Sir,' said I, 'I am an Irishman, and my name is Redmond Barry, of +Ballybarry.' As I spoke, I burst into tears; I can't tell why; but I had +seen none of my kith or kin for six years, and my heart longed for some +one. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. BARRY'S ADIEU TO MILITARY PROFESSION + +You who have never been out of your country, know little what it is to +hear a friendly voice in captivity; and there's many a man that will not +understand the cause of the burst of feeling which I have confessed took +place on my seeing my uncle. He never for a minute thought to question +the truth of what I said. 'Mother of God!' cried he, 'it's my brother +Harry's son.' And I think in my heart he was as much affected as I was +at thus suddenly finding one of his kindred; for he, too, was an exile +from home, and a friendly voice, a look, brought the old country back to +his memory again, and the old days of his boyhood. 'I'd give five years +of my life to see them again,' said he, after caressing me very warmly. +'What?' asked I. 'Why,' replied he, 'the green fields, and the river, +and the old round tower, and the burying-place at Ballybarry. 'Twas a +shame for your father to part with the land, Redmond, that went so long +with the name.' + +He then began to ask me concerning myself, and I gave him my history at +some length; at which the worthy gentleman laughed many times, saying, +that I was a Barry all over. In the middle of my story he would stop +me, to make me stand back to back, and measure with him (by which I +ascertained that our heights were the same, and that my uncle had +a stiff knee, moreover, which made him walk in a peculiar way), and +uttered, during the course of the narrative, a hundred exclamations of +pity, and kindness, and sympathy. It was 'Holy Saints!' and 'Mother of +Heaven!' and 'Blessed Mary!' continually; by which, and with justice, I +concluded that he was still devotedly attached to the ancient faith of +our family. + +It was with some difficulty that I came to explain to him the last part +of my history, viz., that I was put into his service as a watch upon his +actions, of which I was to give information in a certain quarter. When +I told him (with a great deal of hesitation) of this fact, he burst out +laughing, and enjoyed the joke amazingly. 'The rascals!' said he; 'they +think to catch me, do they? Why, Redmond, my chief conspiracy is a +faro-bank. But the King is so jealous, that he will see a spy in every +person who comes to his miserable capital in the great sandy desert +here. Ah, my boy, I must show you Paris and Vienna!' + +I said there was nothing I longed for more than to see any city but +Berlin, and should be delighted to be free of the odious military +service. Indeed, I thought, from his splendour of appearance, the +knickknacks about the room, the gilded carriage in the remise, that my +uncle was a man of vast property; and that he would purchase a dozen, +nay, a whole regiment of substitutes, in order to restore me to freedom. + +But I was mistaken in my calculations regarding him, as his history of +himself speedily showed me. 'I have been beaten about the world,' said +he, 'ever since the year 1742, when my brother your father (and Heaven +forgive him) cut my family estate from under my heels, by turning +heretic, in order to marry that scold of a mother of yours. Well, let +bygones be bygones. 'Tis probable that I should have run through the +little property as he did in my place, and I should have had to begin +a year or two later the life I have been leading ever since I was +compelled to leave Ireland. My lad, I have been in every service; +and, between ourselves, owe money in every capital in Europe. I made a +campaign or two with the Pandours under Austrian Trenck. I was captain +in the Guard of His Holiness the Pope, I made the campaign of Scotland +with the Prince of Wales--a bad fellow, my dear, caring more for +his mistress and his brandy-bottle than for the crowns of the three +kingdoms. I have served in Spain and in Piedmont; but I have been a +rolling stone, my good fellow. Play--play has been my ruin; that and +beauty' (here he gave a leer which made him, I must confess, look +anything but handsome; besides, his rouged cheeks were all beslobbered +with the tears which he had shed on receiving me). 'The women have made +a fool of me, my dear Redmond. I am a soft-hearted creature, and this +minute, at sixty-two, have no more command of myself than when Peggy +O'Dwyer made a fool of me at sixteen.' + +''Faith sir,' says I, laughing, 'I think it runs in the family!' and +described to him, much to his amusement, my romantic passion for my +cousin, Nora Brady. He resumed his narrative. + +'The cards now are my only livelihood. Sometimes I am in luck, and then +I lay out my money in these trinkets you see. It's property, look you, +Redmond; and the only way I have found of keeping a little about me. +When the luck goes against me, why, my dear, my diamonds go to the +pawnbrokers, and I wear paste. Friend Moses the goldsmith will pay me a +visit this very day; for the chances have been against me all the week +past, and I must raise money for the bank to-night. Do you understand +the cards?' + +I replied that I could play as soldiers do, but had no great skill. + +'We will practise in the morning, my boy,' said he, 'and I'll put you up +to a thing or two worth knowing.' + +Of course I was glad to have such an opportunity of acquiring knowledge, +and professed myself delighted to receive my uncle's instruction. + +The Chevalier's account of himself rather disagreeably affected me. +All his show was on his back, as he said. His carriage, with the fine +gilding, was a part of his stock in trade. He HAD a sort of mission from +the Austrian Court:--it was to discover whether a certain quantity of +alloyed ducats which had been traced to Berlin, were from the King's +treasury. But the real end of Monsieur de Balibari was play. There was +a young attache of the English embassy, my Lord Deuceace, afterwards +Viscount and Earl of Crabs in the English peerage, who was playing high; +and it was after hearing of the passion of this young English nobleman +that my uncle, then at Prague, determined to visit Berlin and engage +him. For there is a sort of chivalry among the knights of the dice-box: +the fame of great players is known all over Europe. I have known the +Chevalier de Casanova, for instance, to travel six hundred miles, from +Paris to Turin, for the purpose of meeting Mr. Charles Fox, then only my +Lord Holland's dashing son, afterwards the greatest of European orators +and statesmen. + +It was agreed that I should keep my character of valet; that in the +presence of strangers I should not know a word of English; that I should +keep a good look-out on the trumps when I was serving the champagne and +punch about; and, having a remarkably fine eyesight and a great natural +aptitude, I was speedily able to give my dear uncle much assistance +against his opponents at the green table. Some prudish persons may +affect indignation at the frankness of these confessions, but Heaven +pity them! Do you suppose that any man who has lost or won a hundred +thousand pounds at play will not take the advantages which his neighbour +enjoys? They are all the same. But it is only the clumsy fool who +CHEATS; who resorts to the vulgar expedients of cogged dice and cut +cards. Such a man is sure to go wrong some time or other, and is not fit +to play in the society of gallant gentlemen; and my advice to people who +see such a vulgar person at his pranks is, of course, to back him +while he plays, but never--never to have anything to do with him. Play +grandly, honourably. Be not, of course, cast down at losing; but above +all, be not eager at winning, as mean souls are. And, indeed, with all +one's skill and advantages, winning is often problematical; I have seen +a sheer ignoramus that knows no more of play than of Hebrew, blunder you +out of five thousand pounds in a few turns of the cards. I have seen a +gentleman and his confederate play against another and HIS confederate. +One never is secure in these cases: and when one considers the time and +labour spent, the genius, the anxiety, the outlay of money required, the +multiplicity of bad debts that one meets with (for dishonourable rascals +are to be found at the play-table, as everywhere else in the world), +I say, for my part, the profession is a bad one; and, indeed, have +scarcely ever met a man who, in the end, profited by it. I am writing +now with the experience of a man of the world. At the time I speak of I +was a lad, dazzled by the idea of wealth, and respecting, certainly too +much, my uncle's superior age and station in life. + +There is no need to particularise here the little arrangements made +between us; the playmen of the present day want no instruction, I take +it, and the public have little interest in the matter. But simplicity +was our secret. Everything successful is simple. If, for instance, I +wiped the dust off a chair with my napkin, it was to show that the enemy +was strong in diamonds; if I pushed it, he had ace, king; if I said, +'Punch or wine, my Lord?' hearts was meant; if 'Wine or punch?' clubs. +If I blew my nose, it was to indicate that there was another confederate +employed by the adversary; and THEN, I warrant you, some pretty trials +of skill would take place. My Lord Deuceace, although so young, had a +very great skill and cleverness with the cards in every way; and it was +only from hearing Frank Punter, who came with him, yawn three times when +the Chevalier had the ace of trumps, that I knew we were Greek to Greek, +as it were. + +My assumed dulness was perfect; and I used to make Monsieur de +Potzdorff laugh with it, when I carried my little reports to him at +the Garden-house outside the town where he gave me rendezvous. These +reports, of course, were arranged between me and my uncle beforehand. I +was instructed (and it is always far the best way) to tell as much truth +as my story would possibly bear. When, for instance, he would ask me, +'What does the Chevalier do of a morning?' + +'He goes to church regularly' (he was very religious), 'and after +hearing mass comes home to breakfast. Then he takes an airing in his +chariot till dinner, which is served at noon. After dinner he writes his +letters, if he have any letters to write: but he has very little to +do in this way. His letters are to the Austrian envoy, with whom he +corresponds, but who does not acknowledge him; and being written in +English, of course I look over his shoulder. He generally writes for +money. He says he wants it to bribe the secretaries of the Treasury, +in order to find out really where the alloyed ducats come from; but, +in fact, he wants it to play of evenings, when he makes his party with +Calsabigi, the lottery-contractor, the Russian attaches, two from the +English embassy, my Lords Deuceace and Punter, who play a jeu d'enfer, +and a few more. The same set meet every night at supper: there are +seldom any ladies; those who come are chiefly French ladies, members of +the corps de ballet. He wins often, but not always. Lord Deuceace is a +very fine player. The Chevalier Elliot, the English Minister, sometimes +comes, on which occasion the secretaries do not play. Monsieur de +Balibari dines at the missions, but en petit comite, not on grand days +of reception. Calsabigi, I think, is his confederate at play. He has +won lately; but the week before last he pledged his solitaire for four +hundred ducats.' + +'Do he and the English attaches talk together in their own language?' + +'Yes; he and the envoy spoke yesterday for half-an-hour about the new +danseuse and the American troubles: chiefly about the new danseuse.' + +It will be seen that the information I gave was very minute and +accurate, though not very important. But such as it was, it was carried +to the ears of that famous hero and warrior the Philosopher of Sans +Souci; and there was not a stranger who entered the capital but his +actions were similarly spied and related to Frederick the Great. + +As long as the play was confined to the young men of the different +embassies, His Majesty did not care to prevent it; nay, he encouraged +play at all the missions, knowing full well that a man in difficulties +can be made to speak, and that a timely rouleau of Frederics would +often get him a secret worth many thousands. He got some papers from +the French house in this way: and I have no doubt that my Lord Deuceace +would have supplied him with information at a similar rate, had his +chief not known the young nobleman's character pretty well, and had +(as is usually the case) the work of the mission performed by a steady +roturier, while the young brilliant bloods of the suite sported their +embroidery at the balls, or shook their Mechlin ruffles over the green +tables at faro. I have seen many scores of these young sprigs since, +of these and their principals, and, mon Dieu! what fools they are! What +dullards, what fribbles, what addle-headed simple coxcombs! This is one +of the lies of the world, this diplomacy; or how could we suppose, that +were the profession as difficult as the solemn red-box and tape-men +would have us believe, they would invariably choose for it little +pink-faced boys from school, with no other claim than mamma's title, and +able at most to judge of a curricle, a new dance, or a neat boot? + +When it became known, however, to the officers of the garrison that +there was a faro-table in town, they were wild to be admitted to the +sport; and, in spite of my entreaties to the contrary, my uncle was +not averse to allow the young gentlemen their fling, and once or twice +cleared a handsome sum out of their purses. It was in vain I told him +that I must carry the news to my captain, before whom his comrades would +not fail to talk, and who would thus know of the intrigue even without +my information. + +'Tell him,' said my uncle. + +'They will send you away,' said I; 'then what is to become of me?' + +'Make your mind easy,' said the latter, with a smile; 'you shall not be +left behind, I warrant you. Go take a last look at your barracks, make +your mind easy; say a farewell to your friends in Berlin. The dear +souls, how they will weep when they hear you are out of the country; +and, as sure as my name is Barry, out of it you shall go!' + +'But how, sir?' said I. + +'Recollect Mr. Fakenham of Fakenham,' said he knowingly. ''Tis you +yourself taught me how. Go get me one of my wigs. Open my despatch-box +yonder, where the great secrets of the Austrian Chancery lie; put your +hair back off you forehead; clap me on this patch and these moustaches, +and now look in the glass!' + +'The Chevalier de Balibari,' said I, bursting with laughter, and began +walking the room in his manner with his stiff knee. + +The next day, when I went to make my report to Monsieur de Potzdorff, I +told him of the young Prussian officers that had been of late gambling; +and he replied, as I expected, that the King had determined to send the +Chevalier out of the country. + +'He is a stingy curmudgeon,' I replied; 'I have had but three Frederics +from him in two months, and I hope you will remember your promise to +advance me!' + +'Why, three Frederics were too much for the news you have picked up,' +said the Captain, sneering. + +'It is not my fault that there has been no more,' I replied. 'When is he +to go, sir?' + +'The day after to-morrow. You say he drives after breakfast and before +dinner. When he comes out to his carriage, a couple of gendarmes will +mount the box, and the coachman will get his orders to move on.' + +'And his baggage, sir?' said I. + +'Oh! that will be sent after him. I have a fancy to look into that red +box which contains his papers, you say; and at noon, after parade, shall +be at the inn. You will not say a word to any one there regarding the +affair, and will wait for me at the Chevalier's rooms until my arrival. +We must force that box. You are a clumsy hound, or you would have got +the key long ago!' + +I begged the Captain to remember me, and so took my leave of him. The +next night I placed a couple of pistols under the carriage seat; and +I think the adventures of the following day are quite worthy of the +honours of a separate chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. I APPEAR IN A MANNER BECOMING MY NAME AND LINEAGE + +Fortune smiling at parting upon Monsieur de Balibari, enabled him to win +a handsome sum with his faro-bank. + +At ten o'clock the next morning, the carriage of the Chevalier de +Balibari drew up as usual at the door of his hotel; and the Chevalier, +who was at his window, seeing the chariot arrive, came down the stairs +in his usual stately manner. + +'Where is my rascal Ambrose?' said he, looking around and not finding +his servant to open the door. + +'I will let down the steps for your honour,' said a gendarme, who was +standing by the carriage; and no sooner had the Chevalier entered, +than the officer jumped in after him, another mounted the box by the +coachman, and the latter began to drive. + +'Good gracious!' said the Chevalier, 'what is this?' + +'You are going to drive to the frontier,' said the gendarme, touching +his hat. + +'It is shameful--infamous! I insist upon being put down at the Austrian +Ambassador's house!' + +'I have orders to gag your honour if you cry out,' said the gendarme. + +'All Europe shall hear of this!' said the Chevalier, in a fury. + +'As you please,' answered the officer, and then both relapsed into +silence. + +The silence was not broken between Berlin and Potsdam, through which +place the Chevalier passed as His Majesty was reviewing his guards +there, and the regiments of Bulow, Zitwitz, and Henkel de Donnersmark. +As the Chevalier passed His Majesty, the King raised his hat and said, +'Qu'il ne descende pas: je lui souhaite un bon voyage.' The Chevalier de +Balibari acknowledged this courtesy by a profound bow. + +They had not got far beyond Potsdam, when boom! the alarm cannon began +to roar. + +'It is a deserter,' said the officer. + +'Is it possible?' said the Chevalier, and sank back into his carriage +again. + +Hearing the sound of the guns, the common people came out along the road +with fowling-pieces and pitchforks, in hopes to catch the truant. The +gendarmes seemed very anxious to be on the look-out for him too. The +price of a deserter was fifty crowns to those who brought him in. + +'Confess, sir,' said the Chevalier to the police officer in the carriage +with him, 'that you long to be rid of me, from whom you can get nothing, +and to be on the look-out for the deserter who may bring you in fifty +crowns? Why not tell the postilion to push on? You may land me at the +frontier and get back to your hunt all the sooner.' The officer told +the postillion to get on; but the way seemed intolerably long to +the Chevalier. Once or twice he thought he heard the noise of horse +galloping behind: his own horses did not seem to go two miles an hour; +but they DID go. The black and white barriers came in view at last, hard +by Bruck, and opposite them the green and yellow of Saxony. The Saxon +custom-house officers came out. + +'I have no luggage,' said the Chevalier. + +'The gentleman has nothing contraband,' said the Prussian officers, +grinning, and took their leave of their prisoner with much respect. + +The Chevalier de Balibari gave them a Frederic apiece. + +'Gentlemen,' said he, 'I wish you a good day. Will you please to go to +the house whence we set out this morning, and tell my man there to send +on my baggage to the "Three Kings" at Dresden?' + +Then ordering fresh horses, the Chevalier set off on his journey for +that capital. I need not tell you that _I_ was the Chevalier. + +'From the Chevalier de Balibari to Redmond Barry, Esquire, Gentilhomme +Anglais, a l'Hotel des 3 Couronnes, a Dresde en Saxe. + +'Nephew Redmond,--This comes to you by a sure hand, no other than Mr. +Lumpit of the English Mission, who is acquainted, as all Berlin will +be directly, with our wonderful story. They only know half as yet; +they only know that a deserter went off in my clothes, and all are in +admiration of your cleverness and valour. + +'I confess that for two hours after your departure I lay in bed in no +small trepidation, thinking whether His Majesty might have a fancy to +send me to Spandau, for the freak of which we had both been guilty. But +in that case I had taken my precautions: I had written a statement of +the case to my chief, the Austrian Minister, with the full and true +story how you had been set to spy upon me, how you turned out to be +my very near relative, how you had been kidnapped yourself into the +service, and how we both had determined to effect your escape. The laugh +would have been so much against the King, that he never would have dared +to lay a finger upon me. What would Monsieur de Voltaire have said +to such an act of tyranny? But it was a lucky day, and everything has +turned out to my wish. As I lay in my bed two and a half hours after +your departure, in comes your ex-Captain Potzdorff. "Redmont!" says he, +in his imperious High-Dutch way, "are you there?" No answer. "The rogue +is gone out," said he; and straightway makes for my red box where I keep +my love-letters, my glass eye which I used to wear, my favourite lucky +dice with which I threw the thirteen mains at Prague; my two sets of +Paris teeth, and my other private matters that you know of. + +'He first tried a bunch of keys, but none of them would fit the little +English lock. Then my gentleman takes out of his pocket a chisel and +hammer, and falls to work like a professional burglar, actually bursting +open my little box! + +'Now was my time to act. I advance towards him armed with an immense +water-jug. I come noiselessly up to him just as he had broken the box, +and with all my might I deal him such a blow over the head as smashes +the water-jug to atoms, and sends my captain with a snort lifeless to +the ground. I thought I had killed him. + +'Then I ring all the bells in the house; and shout and swear and +scream, "Thieves!--thieves!--landlord!--murder!--fire!" until the whole +household come tumbling up the stairs. "Where is my servant?" roar I. +"Who dares to rob me in open day? Look at the villain whom I find in +the act of breaking my chest open! Send for the police, send for his +Excellency the Austrian Minister! all Europe shall know of this insult!" + +'"Dear Heaven!" says the landlord, "we saw you go away three hours ago!" + +'"ME!" says I; "why, man, I have been in bed all the morning. I am +ill--I have taken physic--I have not left the house this morning! Where +is that scoundrel Ambrose? But, stop! where are my clothes and wig?" +for I was standing before them in my chamber-gown and stockings, with my +nightcap on. + +'"I have it--I have it!" says a little chambermaid: "Ambrose is off in +your honour's dress." + +'"And my money--my money!" says I; "where is my purse with forty-eight +Frederics in it? But we have one of the villains left. Officers, seize +him!" + +'"It's the young Herr von Potzdorff!" says the landlord, more and more +astonished. + +'"What! a gentleman breaking open my trunk with hammer and +chisel--impossible!" + +'Herr von Potzdorff was returning to life by this time, with a swelling +on his skull as big as a saucepan; and the officers carried him off, and +the judge who was sent for dressed a proces verbal of the matter, and I +demanded a copy of it, which I sent forthwith to my ambassador. + +'I was kept a prisoner to my room the next day, and a judge, a general, +and a host of lawyers, officers, and officials, were set upon me to +bully, perplex, threaten, and cajole me. I said it was true you had told +me that you had been kidnapped into the service, that I thought you were +released from it, and that I had you with the best recommendations. I +appealed to my Minister, who was bound to come to my aid; and, to make +a long story short, poor Potzdorff is now on his way to Spandau; and his +uncle, the elder Potzdorff, has brought me five hundred louis, with a +humble request that I would leave Berlin forthwith, and hush up this +painful matter. + +'I shall be with you at the "Three Crowns" the day after you receive +this. Ask Mr. Lumpit to dinner. Do not spare your money--you are my son. +Everybody in Dresden knows your loving uncle, + +'THE CHEVALIER DE BALIBARI.' + + +And by these wonderful circumstances I was once more free again: and I +kept my resolution then made, never to fall more into the hands of any +recruiter, and henceforth and for ever to be a gentleman. + +With this sum of money, and a good run of luck which ensued presently, +we were enabled to make no ungenteel figure. My uncle speedily joined +me at the inn at Dresden, where, under pretence of illness, I had +kept quiet until his arrival; and, as the Chevalier de Balibari was in +particular good odour at the Court of Dresden (having been an intimate +acquaintance of the late monarch, the Elector, King of Poland, the most +dissolute and agreeable of European princes), I was speedily in the very +best society of the Saxon capital: where I may say that my own person +and manners, and the singularity of the adventures in which I had been a +hero, made me especially welcome. There was not a party of the nobility +to which the two gentlemen of Balibari were not invited. I had the +honour of kissing hands and being graciously received at Court by the +Elector, and I wrote home to my mother such a flaming description of my +prosperity, that the good soul very nearly forgot her celestial welfare +and her confessor, the Reverend Joshua Jowls, in order to come after me +to Germany; but travelling was very difficult in those days, and so we +were spared the arrival of the good lady. + +I think the soul of Harry Barry, my father, who was always so genteel +in his turn of mind, must have rejoiced to see the position which I now +occupied; all the women anxious to receive me, all the men in a fury; +hobnobbing with dukes and counts at supper, dancing minuets with +high-well-born baronesses (as they absurdly call themselves in Germany), +with lovely excellencies, nay, with highnesses and transparencies +themselves: who could compete with the gallant young Irish noble? who +would suppose that seven weeks before I had been a common--bah! I am +ashamed to think of it! One of the pleasantest moments of my life was at +a grand gala at the Electoral Palace, where I had the honour of walking +a polonaise with no other than the Margravine of Bayreuth, old Fritz's +own sister: old Fritz's, whose hateful blue-baize livery I had worn, +whose belts I had pipeclayed, and whose abominable rations of small beer +and sauerkraut I had swallowed for five years. + +Having won an English chariot from an Italian gentleman at play, my +uncle had our arms painted on the panels in a more splendid way than +ever, surmounted (as we were descended from the ancient kings) with an +Irish crown of the most splendid size and gilding. I had this crown in +lieu of a coronet engraved on a large amethyst signet-ring worn on my +forefinger; and I don't mind confessing that I used to say the jewel had +been in my family for several thousand years, having originally belonged +to my direct ancestor, his late Majesty King Brian Boru, or Barry. I +warrant the legends of the Heralds' College are not more authentic than +mine was. + +At first the Minister and the gentlemen at the English hotel used to be +rather shy of us two Irish noblemen, and questioned our pretensions to +rank. The Minister was a lord's son, it is true, but he was likewise a +grocer's grandson; and so I told him at Count Lobkowitz's masquerade. +My uncle, like a noble gentleman as he was, knew the pedigree of +every considerable family in Europe. He said it was the only knowledge +befitting a gentleman; and when we were not at cards, we would pass +hours over Gwillim or D'Hozier, reading the genealogies, learning the +blazons, and making ourselves acquainted with the relationships of +our class. Alas! the noble science is going into disrepute now: so are +cards, without which studies and pastimes I can hardly conceive how a +man of honour can exist. + +My first affair of honour with a man of undoubted fashion was on the +score of my nobility, with young Sir Rumford Bumford of the English +embassy; my uncle at the same time sending a cartel to the Minister, who +declined to come. I shot Sir Rumford in the leg, amidst the tears of joy +of my uncle, who accompanied me to the ground; and I promise you that +none of the young gentlemen questioned the authenticity of my pedigree, +or laughed at my Irish crown again. + +What a delightful life did we now lead! I knew I was born a gentleman, +from the kindly way in which I took to the business: as business +it certainly is. For though it SEEMS all pleasure, yet I assure any +low-bred persons who may chance to read this, that we, their betters, +have to work as well as they: though I did not rise until noon, yet had +I not been up at play until long past midnight? Many a time have we come +home to bed as the troops were marching out to early parade; and oh! +it did my heart good to hear the bugles blowing the reveille before +daybreak, or to see the regiments marching out to exercise, and think +that I was no longer bound to that disgusting discipline, but restored +to my natural station. + +I came into it at once, and as if I had never done anything else all my +life. I had a gentleman to wait upon me, a French friseur to dress my +hair of a morning; I knew the taste of chocolate as by intuition almost, +and could distinguish between the right Spanish and the French before +I had been a week in my new position; I had rings on all my fingers, +watches in both my fobs, canes, trinkets, and snuffboxes of all sorts, +and each outvying the other in elegance. I had the finest natural taste +for lace and china of any man I ever knew; I could judge a horse as well +as any Jew dealer in Germany; in shooting and athletic exercises I +was unrivalled; I could not spell, but I could speak German and French +cleverly. I had at the least twelve suits of clothes; three richly +embroidered with gold, two laced with silver, a garnet-coloured velvet +pelisse lined with sable; one of French grey, silver-laced, and lined +with chinchilla. I had damask morning robes. I took lessons on the +guitar, and sang French catches exquisitely. Where, in fact, was there a +more accomplished gentleman than Redmond de Balibari? + +All the luxuries becoming my station could not, of course, be purchased +without credit and money: to procure which, as our patrimony had been +wasted by our ancestors, and we were above the vulgarity and slow +returns and doubtful chances of trade, my uncle kept a faro-bank. We +were in partnership with a Florentine, well known in all the Courts +of Europe, the Count Alessandro Pippi, as skilful a player as ever was +seen; but he turned out a sad knave latterly, and I have discovered that +his countship was a mere imposture. My uncle was maimed, as I have said; +Pippi, like all impostors, was a coward; it was my unrivalled skill with +the sword, and readiness to use it, that maintained the reputation of +the firm, so to speak, and silenced many a timid gambler who might have +hesitated to pay his losings. We always played on parole with anybody: +any person, that is, of honour and noble lineage. We never pressed for +our winnings or declined to receive promissory notes in lieu of gold. +But woe to the man who did not pay when the note became due! Redmond +de Balibari was sure to wait upon him with his bill, and I promise you +there were very few bad debts: on the contrary, gentlemen were +grateful to us for our forbearance, and our character for honour stood +unimpeached. In later times, a vulgar national prejudice has chosen +to cast a slur upon the character of men of honour engaged in the +profession of play; but I speak of the good old days in Europe, before +the cowardice of the French aristocracy (in the shameful Revolution, +which served them right) brought discredit and ruin upon our order. They +cry fie now upon men engaged in play; but I should like to know how much +more honourable THEIR modes of livelihood are than ours. The broker of +the Exchange who bulls and bears, and buys and sells, and dabbles with +lying loans, and trades on State secrets, what is he but a gamester? The +merchant who deals in teas and tallow, is he any better? His bales of +dirty indigo are his dice, his cards come up every year instead of every +ten minutes, and the sea is his green table. You call the profession of +the law an honourable one, where a man will lie for any bidder; lie down +poverty for the sake of a fee from wealth, lie down right because wrong +is in his brief. You call a doctor an honourable man, a swindling quack, +who does not believe in the nostrums which he prescribes, and takes your +guinea for whispering in your ear that it is a fine morning; and +yet, forsooth, a gallant man who sits him down before the baize and +challenges all comers, his money against theirs, his fortune against +theirs, is proscribed by your modern moral world. It is a conspiracy +of the middle classes against gentlemen: it is only the shopkeeper cant +which is to go down nowadays. I say that play was an institution of +chivalry: it has been wrecked, along with other privileges of men of +birth. When Seingalt engaged a man for six-and-thirty hours without +leaving the table, do you think he showed no courage? How have we had +the best blood, and the brightest eyes, too, of Europe throbbing round +the table, as I and my uncle have held the cards and the bank against +some terrible player, who was matching some thousands out of his +millions against our all which was there on the baize! when we engaged +that daring Alexis Kossloffsky, and won seven thousand louis in a single +coup, had we lost, we should have been beggars the next day; when HE +lost, he was only a village and a few hundred serfs in pawn the worse. +When, at Toeplitz, the Duke of Courland brought fourteen lacqueys, each +with four bags of florins, and challenged our bank to play against +the sealed bags, what did we ask? 'Sir,' said we, 'we have but eighty +thousand florins in bank, or two hundred thousand at three months. If +your Highness's bags do not contain more than eighty thousand, we will +meet you.' And we did, and after eleven hours' play, in which our +bank was at one time reduced to two hundred and three ducats, we won +seventeen thousand florins of him. Is THIS not something like boldness? +does THIS profession not require skill, and perseverance, and bravery? +Four crowned heads looked on at the game, and an Imperial princess, when +I turned up the ace of hearts and made Paroli, burst into tears. No +man on the European Continent held a higher position than Redmond Barry +then; and when the Duke of Courland lost, he was pleased to say that we +had won nobly; and so we had, and spent nobly what we won. + +At this period my uncle, who attended mass every day regularly, always +put ten florins into the box. Wherever we went, the tavern-keepers made +us more welcome than royal princes. We used to give away the broken meat +from our suppers and dinners to scores of beggars who blessed us. Every +man who held my horse or cleaned my boots got a ducat for his pains. +I was, I may say, the author of our common good fortune, by putting +boldness into our play. Pippi was a faint-hearted fellow, who was always +cowardly when he began to win. My uncle (I speak with great respect of +him) was too much of a devotee, and too much of a martinet at play ever +to win GREATLY. His moral courage was unquestionable, but his daring was +not sufficient. Both of these my seniors very soon acknowledged me to be +their chief, and hence the style of splendour I have described. + +I have mentioned H.I.H. the Princess Frederica Amelia, who was affected +by my success, and shall always think with gratitude of the protection +with which that exalted lady honoured me. She was passionately fond of +play, as indeed were the ladies of almost all the Courts in Europe in +those days, and hence would often arise no small trouble to us; for the +truth must be told, that ladies love to play, certainly, but not to PAY. +The point of honour is not understood by the charming sex; and it was +with the greatest difficulty, in our peregrinations to the various +Courts of Northern Europe, that we could keep them from the table, could +get their money if they lost, or, if they paid, prevent them from using +the most furious and extraordinary means of revenge. In those great days +of our fortune, I calculate that we lost no less than fourteen thousand +louis by such failures of payment. A princess of a ducal house gave us +paste instead of diamonds, which she had solemnly pledged to us; another +organised a robbery of the Crown jewels, and would have charged the +theft upon us, but for Pippi's caution, who had kept back a note of hand +'her High Transparency' gave us, and sent it to his ambassador; by which +precaution I do believe our necks were saved. A third lady of high (but +not princely) rank, after I had won a considerable sum in diamonds and +pearls from her, sent her lover with a band of cut-throats to waylay me; +and it was only by extraordinary courage, skill, and good luck, that +I escaped from these villains, wounded myself, but leaving the chief +aggressor dead on the ground: my sword entered his eye and broke there, +and the villains who were with him fled, seeing their chief fall. They +might have finished me else, for I had no weapon of defence. + +Thus it will be seen that our life, for all its splendour, was one of +extreme danger and difficulty, requiring high talents and courage for +success; and often, when we were in a full vein of success, we were +suddenly driven from our ground on account of some freak of a reigning +prince, some intrigue of a disappointed mistress, or some quarrel with +the police minister. If the latter personage were not bribed or won +over, nothing was more common than for us to receive a sudden order of +departure; and so, perforce, we lived a wandering and desultory life. + +Though the gains of such a life are, as I have said, very great, yet the +expenses are enormous. Our appearance and retinue was too splendid for +the narrow mind of Pippi, who was always crying out at my extravagance, +though obliged to own that his own meanness and parsimony would never +have achieved the great victories which my generosity had won. With all +our success, our capital was not very great. That speech to the Duke +of Courland, for instance, was a mere boast as far as the two hundred +thousand florins at three months were concerned. We had no credit, and +no money beyond that on our table, and should have been forced to fly if +his Highness had won and accepted our bills. Sometimes, too, we were +hit very hard. A bank is a certainty, ALMOST; but now and then a bad day +will come; and men who have the courage of good fortune, at least, ought +to meet bad luck well: the former, believe me, is the harder task of the +two. + +One of these evil chances befell us in the Duke of Baden's territory, at +Mannheim. Pippi, who was always on the look-out for business, offered +to make a bank at the inn where we put up, and where the officers of the +Duke's cuirassiers supped; and some small play accordingly took place, +and some wretched crowns and louis changed hands: I trust, rather to +the advantage of these poor gentlemen of the army, who are surely the +poorest of all devils under the sun. + +But, as ill luck would have it, a couple of young students from the +neighbouring University of Heidelberg, who had come to Mannheim for +their quarter's revenue, and so had some hundred of dollars between +them, were introduced to the table, and, having never played before, +began to win (as is always the case). As ill luck would have it, too, +they were tipsy, and against tipsiness I have often found the best +calculations of play fail entirely. They played in the most perfectly +insane way, and yet won always. Every card they backed turned up in +their favour. They had won a hundred louis from us in ten minutes; and, +seeing that Pippi was growing angry and the luck against us, I was for +shutting up the bank for the night, saying the play was only meant for a +joke, and that now we had had enough. + +But Pippi, who had quarrelled with me that day, was determined to +proceed, and the upshot was, that the students played and won more; +then they lent money to the officers, who began to win, too; and in this +ignoble way, in a tavern room thick with tobacco-smoke, across a +deal table besmeared with beer and liquor, and to a parcel of hungry +subalterns and a pair of beardless students, three of the most skilful +and renowned players in Europe lost seventeen hundred louis! I blush +now when I think of it. It was like Charles XII or Richard Coeur de Lion +falling before a petty fortress and an unknown hand (as my friend Mr. +Johnson wrote), and was, in fact, a most shameful defeat. + +Nor was this the only defeat. When our poor conquerors had gone off, +bewildered with the treasure which fortune had flung in their way +(one of these students was called the Baron de Clootz, perhaps he who +afterwards lost his head at Paris), Pippi resumed the quarrel of the +morning, and some exceedingly high words passed between us. Among other +things I recollect I knocked him down with a stool, and was for flinging +him out of the window; but my uncle, who was cool, and had been +keeping Lent with his usual solemnity, interposed between us, and a +reconciliation took place, Pippi apologising and confessing he had been +wrong. + +I ought to have doubted, however, the sincerity of the treacherous +Italian; indeed, as I never before believed a word that he said in his +life, I know not why I was so foolish as to credit him now, and go to +bed, leaving the keys of our cash-box with him. It contained, after our +loss to the cuirassiers, in bills and money, near upon L8000 sterling. +Pippi insisted that our reconciliation should be ratified over a bowl of +hot wine, and I have no doubt put some soporific drug into the liquor; +for my uncle and I both slept till very late the next morning, and woke +with violent headaches and fever: we did not quit our beds till noon. He +had been gone twelve hours, leaving our treasury empty; and behind him +a sort of calculation, by which he strove to make out that this was his +share of the profits, and that all the losses had been incurred without +his consent. + +Thus, after eighteen months, we had to begin the world again. But was I +cast down? No. Our wardrobes still were worth a very large sum of money; +for gentlemen did not dress like parish-clerks in those days, and +a person of fashion would often wear a suit of clothes and a set of +ornaments that would be a shop-boy's fortune; so, without repining for +one single minute, or saying a single angry word (my uncle's temper in +this respect was admirable), or allowing the secret of our loss to +be known to a mortal soul, we pawned three-fourths of our jewels and +clothes to Moses Lowe the banker, and with the produce of the sale, and +our private pocket-money, amounting in all to something less than 800 +louis, we took the field again. + + + + +CHAPTER X. MORE RUNS OF LUCK + +I am not going to entertain my readers with an account of my +professional career as a gamester, any more than I did with anecdotes of +my life as a military man. I might fill volumes with tales of this kind +were I so minded; but at this rate, my recital would not be brought to +a conclusion for years, and who knows how soon I may be called upon to +stop? I have gout, rheumatism, gravel, and a disordered liver. I have +two or three wounds in my body, which break out every now and then, and +give me intolerable pain, and a hundred more signs of breaking up. +Such are the effects of time, illness, and free-living, upon one of +the strongest constitutions and finest forms the world ever saw. Ah! I +suffered from none of these ills in the year '66, when there was no +man in Europe more gay in spirits, more splendid in personal +accomplishments, than young Redmond Barry. + +Before the treachery of the scoundrel Pippi, I had visited many of +the best Courts of Europe; especially the smaller ones, where play was +patronised, and the professors of that science always welcome. Among +the ecclesiastical principalities of the Rhine we were particularly well +received. I never knew finer or gayer Courts than those of the Electors +of Treves and Cologne, where there was more splendour and gaiety than at +Vienna; far more than in the wretched barrack-court of Berlin. The Court +of the Archduchess-Governess of the Netherlands was, likewise, a royal +place for us knights of the dice-box and gallant votaries of fortune; +whereas in the stingy Dutch or the beggarly Swiss republics, it was +impossible for a gentleman to gain a livelihood unmolested. + +After our mishap at Mannheim, my uncle and I made for the Duchy of X---. +The reader may find out the place easily enough; but I do not choose to +print at full the names of some illustrious persons in whose society I +then fell, and among whom I was made the sharer in a very strange and +tragical adventure. + +There was no Court in Europe at which strangers were more welcome than +at that of the noble Duke of X---; none where pleasure was more eagerly +sought after, and more splendidly enjoyed. The Prince did not inhabit +his capital of S---, but, imitating in every respect the ceremonial of +the Court of Versailles, built himself a magnificent palace at a +few leagues from his chief city, and round about his palace a superb +aristocratic town, inhabited entirely by his nobles, and the officers of +his sumptuous Court. The people were rather hardly pressed, to be sure, +in order to keep up this splendour; for his Highness's dominions were +small, and so he wisely lived in a sort of awful retirement from them, +seldom showing his face in his capital, or seeing any countenances but +those of his faithful domestics and officers. His palace and gardens of +Ludwigslust were exactly on the French model. Twice a week there were +Court receptions, and grand Court galas twice a month. There was the +finest opera out of France, and a ballet unrivalled in splendour; +on which his Highness, a great lover of music and dancing, expended +prodigious sums. It may be because I was then young, but I think I never +saw such an assemblage of brilliant beauty as used to figure there on +the stage of the Court theatre, in the grand mythological ballets which +were then the mode, and in which you saw Mars in red-heeled pumps and +a periwig, and Venus in patches and a hoop. They say the costume was +incorrect, and have changed it since; but for my part, I have never +seen a Venus more lovely than the Coralie, who was the chief dancer, and +found no fault with the attendant nymphs, in their trains, and lappets, +and powder. These operas used to take place twice a week, after +which some great officer of the Court would have his evening, and his +brilliant supper, and the dice-box rattled everywhere, and all the world +played. I have seen seventy play-tables set out in the grand gallery +of Ludwigslust, besides the faro-bank; where the Duke himself would +graciously come and play, and win or lose with a truly royal splendour. + +It was hither we came after the Mannheim misfortune. The nobility of the +Court were pleased to say our reputation had preceded us, and the two +Irish gentleman were made welcome. The very first night at Court we lost +740 of our 800 louis; the next evening, at the Court Marshal's table, I +won them back, with 1300 more. You may be sure we allowed no one to know +how near we were to ruin on the first evening; but, on the contrary, +I endeared every one to me by my gay manner of losing, and the Finance +Minister himself cashed a note for 400 ducats, drawn by me upon my +steward of Ballybarry Castle in the kingdom of Ireland; which very note +I won from his Excellency the next day, along with a considerable sum in +ready cash. In that noble Court everybody was a gambler. You would see +the lacqueys in the ducal ante-rooms at work with their dirty packs of +cards; the coach and chair men playing in the court, while their masters +were punting in the saloons above; the very cook-maids and scullions, I +was told, had a bank, where one of them, an Italian confectioner, made +a handsome fortune: he purchased afterwards a Roman marquisate, and +his son has figured as one of the most fashionable of the illustrious +foreigners in London. The poor devils of soldiers played away their pay +when they got it, which was seldom; and I don't believe there was an +officer in any one of the guard regiments but had his cards in his +pouch, and no more forgot his dice than his sword-knot. Among such +fellows it was diamond cut diamond. What you call fair play would have +been a folly. The gentlemen of Ballybarry would have been fools indeed +to appear as pigeons in such a hawk's nest. None but men of courage and +genius could live and prosper in a society where every one was bold and +clever; and here my uncle and I held our own: ay, and more than our own. + +His Highness the Duke was a widower, or rather, since the death of the +reigning Duchess, had contracted a morganatic marriage with a lady +whom he had ennobled, and who considered it a compliment (such was the +morality of those days) to be called the Northern Dubarry. He had been +married very young, and his son, the Hereditary Prince, may be said to +have been the political sovereign of the State: for the reigning Duke +was fonder of pleasure than of politics, and loved to talk a great deal +more with his grand huntsman, or the director of his opera, than with +ministers and ambassadors. + +The Hereditary Prince, whom I shall call Prince Victor, was of a very +different character from his august father. He had made the Wars of the +Succession and Seven Years with great credit in the Empress's service, +was of a stern character, seldom appeared at Court, except when ceremony +called him, but lived almost alone in his wing of the palace, where he +devoted himself to the severest studies, being a great astronomer and +chemist. He shared in the rage then common throughout Europe, of hunting +for the philosopher's stone; and my uncle often regretted that he had no +smattering of chemistry, like Balsamo (who called himself Cagliostro), +St. Germain, and other individuals, who had obtained very great sums +from Duke Victor by aiding him in his search after the great secret. His +amusements were hunting and reviewing the troops; but for him, and if +his good-natured father had not had his aid, the army would have been +playing at cards all day, and so it was well that the prudent prince was +left to govern. + +Duke Victor was fifty years of age, and his princess, the Princess +Olivia, was scarce three-and-twenty. They had been married seven years, +and in the first years of their union the Princess had borne him a son +and a daughter. The stern morals and manners, the dark and ungainly +appearance, of the husband, were little likely to please the brilliant +and fascinating young woman, who had been educated in the south (she +was connected with the ducal house of S---), who had passed two years +at Paris under the guardianship of Mesdames the daughters of His Most +Christian Majesty, and who was the life and soul of the Court of X---, +the gayest of the gay, the idol of her august father-in-law, and, +indeed, of the whole Court. She was not beautiful, but charming; not +witty, but charming, too, in her conversation as in her person. She was +extravagant beyond all measure; so false, that you could not trust her; +but her very weaknesses were more winning than the virtues of other +women, her selfishness more delightful than others' generosity. I never +knew a woman whose faults made her so attractive. She used to ruin +people, and yet they all loved her. My old uncle has seen her cheating +at ombre, and let her win 400 louis without resisting in the least. Her +caprices with the officers and ladies of her household were ceaseless: +but they adored her. She was the only one of the reigning family whom +the people worshipped. She never went abroad but they followed her +carriage with shouts of acclamation: and, to be generous to them, she +would borrow the last penny from one of her poor maids of honour, +whom she would never pay. In the early days her husband was as much +fascinated by her as all the rest of the world was; but her caprices had +caused frightful outbreaks of temper on his part, and an estrangement +which, though interrupted by almost mad returns of love, was still +general. I speak of her Royal Highness with perfect candour and +admiration, although I might be pardoned for judging her more severely, +considering her opinion of myself. She said the elder Monsieur de +Balibari was a finished old gentleman, and the younger one had the +manners of a courier. The world has given a different opinion, and I can +afford to chronicle this almost single sentence against me. Besides, she +had a reason for her dislike to me, which you shall hear. + +Five years in the army, long experience of the world, had ere now +dispelled any of those romantic notions regarding love with which I +commenced life; and I had determined, as is proper with gentlemen (it +is only your low people who marry for mere affection), to consolidate my +fortunes by marriage. In the course of our peregrinations, my uncle +and I had made several attempts to carry this object into effect; but +numerous disappointments had occurred which are not worth mentioning +here, and had prevented me hitherto from making such a match as I +thought was worthy of a man of my birth, abilities, and personal +appearance. Ladies are not in the habit of running away on the +Continent, as is the custom in England (a custom whereby many +honourable gentlemen of my country have much benefited!); guardians, and +ceremonies, and difficulties of all kinds intervene; true love is not +allowed to have its course, and poor women cannot give away their honest +hearts to the gallant fellows who have won them. Now it was settlements +that were asked for; now it was my pedigree and title-deeds that were +not satisfactory: though I had a plan and rent-roll of the Ballybarry +estates, and the genealogy of the family up to King Brian Boru, or +Barry, most handsomely designed on paper; now it was a young lady who +was whisked off to a convent just as she was ready to fall into my arms; +on another occasion, when a rich widow of the Low Countries was about to +make me lord of a noble estate in Flanders, comes an order of the police +which drives me out of Brussels at an hour's notice, and consigns my +mourner to her chateau. But at X---I had an opportunity of playing a +great game: and had won it too, but for the dreadful catastrophe which +upset my fortune. + +In the household of the Hereditary Princess there was a lady nineteen +years of age, and possessor of the greatest fortune in the whole duchy. +The Countess Ida, such was her name, was daughter of a late Minister and +favourite of his Highness the Duke of X---and his Duchess, who had done +her the honour to be her sponsors at birth, and who, at the father's +death, had taken her under their august guardianship and protection. At +sixteen she was brought from her castle, where, up to that period, she +had been permitted to reside, and had been placed with the Princess +Olivia, as one of her Highness's maids of honour. + +The aunt of the Countess Ida, who presided over her house during her +minority, had foolishly allowed her to contract an attachment for her +cousin-german, a penniless sub-lieutenant in one of the Duke's foot +regiments, who had flattered himself to be able to carry off this rich +prize; and if he had not been a blundering silly idiot indeed, with the +advantage of seeing her constantly, of having no rival near him, and the +intimacy attendant upon close kinsmanship, might easily, by a private +marriage, have secured the young Countess and her possessions. But +he managed matters so foolishly, that he allowed her to leave her +retirement, to come to Court for a year, and take her place in the +Princess Olivia's household; and then what does my young gentleman do, +but appear at the Duke's levee one day, in his tarnished epaulet and +threadbare coat, and make an application in due form to his Highness, +as the young lady's guardian, for the hand of the richest heiress in his +dominions! + +The weakness of the good-natured Prince was such that, as the Countess +Ida herself was quite as eager for the match as her silly cousin, +his Highness might have been induced to allow the match, had not the +Princess Olivia been induced to interpose, and to procure from the +Duke a peremptory veto to the hopes of the young man. The cause of this +refusal was as yet unknown; no other suitor for the young lady's hand +was mentioned, and the lovers continued to correspond, hoping that time +might effect a change in his Highness's resolutions; when, of a sudden, +the lieutenant was drafted into one of the regiments which the Prince +was in the habit of selling to the great powers then at war (this +military commerce was a principal part of his Highness's and other +princes' revenues in those days), and their connection was thus abruptly +broken off. + +It was strange that the Princess Olivia should have taken this part +against a young lady who had been her favourite; for, at first, with +those romantic and sentimental notions which almost every woman has, she +had somewhat encouraged the Countess Ida and her penniless lover, but +now suddenly turned against them; and, from loving the Countess, as she +previously had done, pursued her with every manner of hatred which a +woman knows how to inflict: there was no end to the ingenuity of her +tortures, the venom of her tongue, the bitterness of her sarcasm and +scorn. When I first came to Court at X--, the young fellows there had +nicknamed the young lady the Dumme Grafinn, the stupid Countess. She +was generally silent, handsome, but pale, stolid-looking, and awkward; +taking no interest in the amusements of the place, and appearing in the +midst of the feasts as glum as the death's-head which, they say, the +Romans used to have at their tables. + +It was rumoured that a young gentleman of French extraction, the +Chevalier de Magny, equerry to the Hereditary Prince, and present at +Paris when the Princess Olivia was married to him by proxy there, was +the intended of the rich Countess Ida; but no official declaration +of the kind was yet made, and there were whispers of a dark intrigue: +which, subsequently, received frightful confirmation. + +This Chevalier de Magny was the grandson of an old general officer in +the Duke's service, the Baron de Magny. The Baron's father had quitted +France at the expulsion of Protestants after the revocation of the edict +of Nantes, and taken service in X--, where he died. The son succeeded +him, and, quite unlike most French gentlemen of birth whom I have known, +was a stern and cold Calvinist, rigid in the performance of his duty, +retiring in his manners, mingling little with the Court, and a close +friend and favourite of Duke Victor; whom he resembled in disposition. + +The Chevalier his grandson was a true Frenchman; he had been born in +France, where his father held a diplomatic appointment in the Duke's +service. He had mingled in the gay society of the most brilliant Court +in the world, and had endless stories to tell us of the pleasures of the +petites maisons, of the secrets of the Parc aux Cerfs, and of the wild +gaieties of Richelieu and his companions. He had been almost ruined at +play, as his father had been before him; for, out of the reach of the +stern old Baron in Germany, both son and grandson had led the most +reckless of lives. He came back from Paris soon after the embassy which +had been despatched thither on the occasion of the marriage of the +Princess, was received sternly by his old grandfather; who, however, +paid his debts once more, and procured him the post in the Duke's +household. The Chevalier de Magny rendered himself a great favourite +of his august master; he brought with him the modes and the gaieties +of Paris; he was the deviser of all the masquerades and balls, the +recruiter of the ballet-dancers, and by far the most brilliant and +splendid young gentleman of the Court. + +After we had been a few weeks at Ludwigslust, the old Baron de Magny +endeavoured to have us dismissed from the duchy; but his voice was not +strong enough to overcome that of the general public, and the Chevalier +de Magny especially stood our friend with his Highness when the question +was debated before him. The Chevalier's love of play had not deserted +him. He was a regular frequenter of our bank, where he played for some +time with pretty good luck; and where, when he began to lose, he paid +with a regularity surprising to all those who knew the smallness of his +means, and the splendour of his appearance. + +Her Highness the Princess Olivia was also very fond of play. On +half-a-dozen occasions when we held a bank at Court, I could see her +passion for the game. I could see--that is, my cool-headed old uncle +could see--much more. There was an intelligence between Monsieur de +Magny and this illustrious lady. 'If her Highness be not in love with +the little Frenchman,' my uncle said to me one night after play, 'may I +lose the sight of my last eye!' + +'And what then, sir?' said I. + +'What then?' said my uncle, looking me hard in the face. 'Are you so +green as not to know what then? Your fortune is to be made, if you +choose to back it now; and we may have back the Barry estates in two +years, my boy.' + +'How is that?' asked I, still at a loss. + +My uncle drily said, 'Get Magny to play; never mind his paying: take +his notes of hand. The more he owes the better; but, above all, make him +play.' + +'He can't pay a shilling,' answered I. 'The Jews will not discount his +notes at cent. per cent.' + +'So much the better. You shall see we will make use of them,' answered +the old gentleman. And I must confess that the plan he laid was a +gallant, clever, and fair one. + +I was to make Magny play; in this there was no great difficulty. We had +an intimacy together, for he was a good sportsman as well as myself, and +we came to have a pretty considerable friendship for one another; if he +saw a dice-box it was impossible to prevent him from handling it; but he +took to it as natural as a child does to sweetmeats. + +At first he won of me; then he began to lose; then I played him money +against some jewels that he brought: family trinkets, he said, and +indeed of considerable value. He begged me, however, not to dispose of +them in the duchy, and I gave and kept my word to him to this effect. +From jewels he got to playing upon promissory notes; and as they would +not allow him to play at the Court tables and in public upon credit, he +was very glad to have an opportunity of indulging his favourite passion +in private. I have had him for hours at my pavilion (which I had fitted +up in the Eastern manner, very splendid) rattling the dice till it +became time to go to his service at Court, and we would spend day after +day in this manner. He brought me more jewels,--a pearl necklace, +an antique emerald breast ornament, and other trinkets, as a set-off +against these losses: for I need not say that I should not have played +with him all this time had he been winning; but, after about a week, the +luck set in against him, and he became my debtor in a prodigious sum. I +do not care to mention the extent of it; it was such as I never thought +the young man could pay. + +Why, then, did I play for it? Why waste days in private play with a mere +bankrupt, when business seemingly much more profitable was to be done +elsewhere? My reason I boldly confess. I wanted to win from Monsieur de +Magny, not his money, but his intended wife, the Countess Ida. Who can +say that I had not a right to use ANY stratagem in this matter of love? +Or, why say love? I wanted the wealth of the lady: I loved her quite as +much as Magny did; I loved her quite as much as yonder blushing virgin +of seventeen does who marries an old lord of seventy. I followed the +practice of the world in this; having resolved that marriage should +achieve my fortune. + +I used to make Magny, after his losses, give me a friendly letter of +acknowledgment to some such effect as this,-- + +'MY DEAR MONSIEUR DE BALIBARI,--I acknowledge to have lost to you this +day at lansquenet [or picquet, or hazard, as the case may be: I was +master of him at any game that is played] the sum of three hundred +ducats, and shall hold it as a great kindness on your part if you will +allow the debt to stand over until a future day, when you shall receive +payment from your very grateful humble servant.' + +With the jewels he brought me I also took the precaution (but this was +my uncle's idea, and a very good one) to have a sort of invoice, and a +letter begging me to receive the trinkets as so much part payment of a +sum of money he owed me. + +When I had put him in such a position as I deemed favourable to my +intentions, I spoke to him candidly, and without any reserve, as one man +of the world should speak to another. 'I will not, my dear fellow,' said +I, 'pay you so bad a compliment as to suppose that you expect we are +to go on playing at this rate much longer, and that there is any +satisfaction to me in possessing more or less sheets of paper bearing +your signature, and a series of notes of hand which I know you never +can pay. Don't look fierce or angry, for you know Redmond Barry is your +master at the sword; besides, I would not be such a fool as to fight a +man who owes me so much money; but hear calmly what I have to propose. + +'You have been very confidential to me during our intimacy of the last +month; and I know all your personal affairs completely. You have given +your word of honour to your grandfather never to play upon parole, and +you know how you have kept it, and that he will disinherit you if he +hears the truth. Nay, suppose he dies to-morrow, his estate is not +sufficient to pay the sum in which you are indebted to me; and, were you +to yield me up all, you would be a beggar, and a bankrupt too. + +'Her Highness the Princess Olivia denies you nothing. I shall not ask +why; but give me leave to say, I was aware of the fact when we began to +play together.' + +'Will you be made baron-chamberlain, with the grand cordon of the +order?' gasped the poor fellow. 'The Princess can do anything with the +Duke.' + +'I shall have no objection,' said I, 'to the yellow riband and the gold +key; though a gentleman of the house of Ballybarry cares little for +the titles of the German nobility. But this is not what I want. My good +Chevalier, you have hid no secrets from me. You have told me with +what difficulty you have induced the Princess Olivia to consent to the +project of your union with the Grafinn Ida, whom you don't love. I know +whom you love very well.' + +'Monsieur de Balibari!' said the discomfited Chevalier; he could get out +no more. The truth began to dawn upon him. + +'You begin to understand,' continued I. 'Her Highness the Princess' (I +said this in a sarcastic way) 'will not be very angry, believe me, if +you break off your connection with the stupid Countess. I am no more an +admirer of that lady than you are; but I want her estate. I played you +for that estate, and have won it; and I will give you your bills and +five thousand ducats on the day I am married to it.' + +'The day _I_ am married to the Countess,' answered the Chevalier, +thinking to have me, 'I will be able to raise money to pay your claim +ten times over' (this was true, for the Countess's property may have +been valued at near half a million of our money); 'and then I will +discharge my obligations to you. Meanwhile, if you annoy me by threats, +or insult me again as you have done, I will use that influence, which, +as you say, I possess, and have you turned out of the duchy, as you were +out of the Netherlands last year.' + +I rang the bell quite quietly. 'Zamor,' said I to a tall negro fellow +habited like a Turk, that used to wait upon me, 'when you hear the bell +ring a second time, you will take this packet to the Marshal of the +Court, this to his Excellency the General de Magny, and this you +will place in the hands of one of the equerries of his Highness the +Hereditary Prince. Wait in the ante-room, and do not go with the parcels +until I ring again.' + +The black fellow having retired, I turned to Monsieur de Magny and said, +'Chevalier, the first packet contains a letter from you to me, declaring +your solvency, and solemnly promising payment of the sums you owe me; it +is accompanied by a document from myself (for I expected some resistance +on your part), stating that my honour has been called in question, +and begging that the paper may be laid before your august master his +Highness. The second packet is for your grandfather, enclosing the +letter from you in which you state yourself to be his heir, and begging +for a confirmation of the fact. The last parcel, for his Highness the +Hereditary Duke,' added I, looking most sternly, 'contains the Gustavus +Adolphus emerald, which he gave to his princess, and which you pledged +to me as a family jewel of your own. Your influence with her Highness +must be great indeed,' I concluded, 'when you could extort from her +such a jewel as that, and when you could make her, in order to pay your +play-debts, give up a secret upon which both your heads depend.' + +'Villain!' said the Frenchman, quite aghast with fury and terror, 'would +you implicate the Princess?' + +'Monsieur de Magny,' I answered, with a sneer, 'no: I will say YOU STOLE +the jewel.' It was my belief he did, and that the unhappy and infatuated +Princess was never privy to the theft until long after it had been +committed. How we came to know the history of the emerald is simple +enough. As we wanted money (for my occupation with Magny caused our bank +to be much neglected), my uncle had carried Magny's trinkets to Mannheim +to pawn. The Jew who lent upon them knew the history of the stone in +question; and when he asked how her Highness came to part with it, my +uncle very cleverly took up the story where he found it, said that the +Princess was very fond of play, that it was not always convenient to +her to pay, and hence the emerald had come into our hands. He brought it +wisely back with him to S--; and, as regards the other jewels which the +Chevalier pawned to us, they were of no particular mark: no inquiries +have ever been made about them to this day; and I did not only not know +then that they came from her Highness, but have only my conjectures upon +the matter now. + +The unfortunate young gentleman must have had a cowardly spirit, when I +charged him with the theft, not to make use of my two pistols that were +lying by chance before him, and to send out of the world his accuser and +his own ruined self. With such imprudence and miserable recklessness on +his part and that of the unhappy lady who had forgotten herself for this +poor villain, he must have known that discovery was inevitable. But it +was written that this dreadful destiny should be accomplished: instead +of ending like a man, he now cowered before me quite spirit-broken, and, +flinging himself down on the sofa, burst into tears, calling wildly upon +all the saints to help him: as if they could be interested in the fate +of such a wretch as he! + +I saw that I had nothing to fear from him; and, calling back Zamor my +black, said I would myself carry the parcels, which I returned to my +escritoire; and, my point being thus gained, I acted, as I always do, +generously towards him. I said that, for security's sake, I should send +the emerald out of the country, but that I pledged my honour to restore +it to the Duchess, without any pecuniary consideration, on the day when +she should procure the sovereign's consent to my union with the Countess +Ida. + +This will explain pretty clearly, I flatter myself, the game I was +playing; and, though some rigid moralist may object to its propriety, I +say that anything is fair in love, and that men so poor as myself can't +afford to be squeamish about their means of getting on in life. The +great and rich are welcomed, smiling, up the grand staircase of the +world; the poor but aspiring must clamber up the wall, or push and +struggle up the back stair, or, PARDI, crawl through any of the conduits +of the house, never mind how foul and narrow, that lead to the top. The +unambitious sluggard pretends that the eminence is not worth attaining, +declines altogether the struggle, and calls himself a philosopher. I say +he is a poor-spirited coward. What is life good for but for honour? and +that is so indispensable, that we should attain it anyhow. + +The manner to be adopted for Magny's retreat was proposed by myself, and +was arranged so as to consult the feelings of delicacy of both parties. +I made Magny take the Countess Ida aside, and say to her, 'Madam, though +I have never declared myself your admirer, you and the Court have had +sufficient proof of my regard for you; and my demand would, I know, have +been backed by his Highness, your august guardian. I know the Duke's +gracious wish is, that my attentions should be received favourably; but, +as time has not appeared to alter your attachment elsewhere, and as I +have too much spirit to force a lady of your name and rank to be united +to me against your will, the best plan is, that I should make you, for +form's sake, a proposal UNauthorised by his Highness: that you should +reply, as I am sorry to think your heart dictates to you, in the +negative: on which I also will formally withdraw from my pursuit of +you, stating that, after a refusal, nothing, not even the Duke's desire, +should induce me to persist in my suit.' + +The Countess Ida almost wept at hearing these words from Monsieur de +Magny, and tears came into her eyes, he said, as she took his hand for +the first time, and thanked him for the delicacy of the proposal. She +little knew that the Frenchman was incapable of that sort of delicacy, +and that the graceful manner in which he withdrew his addresses was of +my invention. + +As soon as he withdrew, it became my business to step forward; but +cautiously and gently, so as not to alarm the lady, and yet firmly, so +as to convince her of the hopelessness of her design of uniting herself +with her shabby lover, the sub-lieutenant. The Princess Olivia was good +enough to perform this necessary part of the plan in my favour, and +solemnly to warn the Countess Ida, that, though Monsieur de Magny had +retired from paying his addresses, his Highness her guardian would +still marry her as he thought fit, and that she must for ever forget her +out-at-elbowed adorer. In fact, I can't conceive how such a shabby rogue +as that could ever have had the audacity to propose for her: his birth +was certainly good; but what other qualifications had he? + +When the Chevalier de Magny withdrew, numbers of other suitors, you +may be sure, presented themselves; and amongst these your very humble +servant, the cadet of Ballybarry. There was a carrousel, or tournament, +held at this period, in imitation of the antique meetings of chivalry, +in which the chevaliers tilted at each other, or at the ring; and on +this occasion I was habited in a splendid Roman dress (viz., a silver +helmet, a flowing periwig, a cuirass of gilt leather richly embroidered, +a light blue velvet mantle, and crimson morocco half-boots): and in this +habit I rode my bay horse Brian, carried off three rings, and won +the prize over all the Duke's gentry, and the nobility of surrounding +countries who had come to the show. A wreath of gilded laurel was to +be the prize of the victor, and it was to be awarded by the lady he +selected. So I rode up to the gallery where the Countess Ida was seated +behind the Hereditary Princess, and, calling her name loudly, yet +gracefully, begged to be allowed to be crowned by her, and thus +proclaimed myself to the face of all Germany, as it were, her suitor. +She turned very pale, and the Princess red, I observed; but the Countess +Ida ended by crowning me: after which, putting spurs into my horse, I +galloped round the ring, saluting his Highness the Duke at the opposite +end, and performing the most wonderful exercises with my bay. + +My success did not, as you may imagine, increase my popularity with the +young gentry. They called me adventurer, bully, dice-loader, impostor, +and a hundred pretty names; but I had a way of silencing these gentry. +I took the Count de Schmetterling, the richest and bravest of the young +men who seemed to have a hankering for the Countess Ida, and publicly +insulted him at the ridotto; flinging my cards into his face. The next +day I rode thirty-five miles into the territory of the Elector of B----, +and met Monsieur de Schmetterling, and passed my sword twice through +his body; then rode back with my second, the Chevalier de Magny, and +presented myself at the Duchess's whist that evening. Magny was very +unwilling to accompany me at first; but I insisted upon his support, and +that he should countenance my quarrel. Directly after paying my homage +to her Highness, I went up to the Countess Ida, and made her a marked +and low obeisance, gazing at her steadily in the face until she grew +crimson red; and then staring round at every man who formed her circle, +until, MA FOI, I stared them all away. I instructed Magny to say, +everywhere, that the Countess was madly in love with me; which +commission, along with many others of mine, the poor devil was obliged +to perform. He made rather a SOTTE FIGURE, as the French say, acting the +pioneer for me, praising me everywhere, accompanying me always! he +who had been the pink of the MODE until my arrival; he who thought his +pedigree of beggarly Barons of Magny was superior to the race of great +Irish kings from which I descended; who had sneered at me a hundred +times as a spadassin, a deserter, and had called me a vulgar Irish +upstart. Now I had my revenge of the gentleman, and took it too. + +I used to call him, in the choicest societies, by his Christian name +of Maxime. I would say, 'Bon jour, Maxime; comment vas-TU?' in the +Princess's hearing, and could see him bite his lips for fury and +vexation. But I had him under my thumb, and her Highness too--I, poor +private of Bulow's regiment. And this is a proof of what genius and +perseverance can do, and should act as a warning to great people never +to have SECRETS--if they can help it. + +I knew the Princess hated me; but what did I care? She knew I knew all: +and indeed, I believe, so strong was her prejudice against me, that she +thought I was an indelicate villain, capable of betraying a lady, which +I would scorn to do; so that she trembled before me as a child before +its schoolmaster. She would, in her woman's way, too, make all sorts +of jokes and sneers at me on reception days; ask about my palace in +Ireland, and the kings my ancestors, and whether, when I was a private +in Bulow's foot, my royal relatives had interposed to rescue me, and +whether the cane was smartly administered there,--anything to mortify +me. But, Heaven bless you! I can make allowances for people, and used to +laugh in her face. Whilst her jibes and jeers were continuing, it was my +pleasure to look at poor Magny and see how HE bore them. The poor devil +was trembling lest I should break out under the Princess's sarcasm and +tell all; but my revenge was, when the Princess attacked me, to say +something bitter to HIM,--to pass it on, as boys do at school. And THAT +was the thing which used to make her Highness feel. She would wince just +as much when I attacked Magny as if I had been saying anything rude to +herself. And, though she hated me, she used to beg my pardon in private; +and though her pride would often get the better of her, yet her +prudence obliged this magnificent princess to humble herself to the poor +penniless Irish boy. + +As soon as Magny had formally withdrawn from the Countess Ida, the +Princess took the young lady into favour again, and pretended to be very +fond of her. To do them justice, I don't know which of the two disliked +me most,--the Princess, who was all eagerness, and fire, and coquetry; +or the Countess, who was all state and splendour. The latter, +especially, pretended to be disgusted by me: and yet, after all, I have +pleased her betters; was once one of the handsomest men in Europe, and +would defy any heyduc of the Court to measure a chest or a leg with me: +but I did not care for any of her silly prejudices, and determined +to win her and wear her in spite of herself. Was it on account of +her personal charms or qualities? No. She was quite white, thin, +short-sighted, tall, and awkward, and my taste is quite the contrary; +and as for her mind, no wonder that a poor creature who had a hankering +after a wretched ragged ensign could never appreciate ME. It was her +estate I made love to; as for herself, it would be a reflection on my +taste as a man of fashion to own that I liked her. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. IN WHICH THE LUCK GOES AGAINST BARRY + +My hopes of obtaining the hand of one of the richest heiresses in +Germany were now, as far as all human probability went, and as far as +my own merits and prudence could secure my fortune, pretty certain of +completion. I was admitted whenever I presented myself at the Princess's +apartments, and had as frequent opportunities as I desired of seeing +the Countess Ida there. I cannot say that she received me with any +particular favour; the silly young creature's affections were, as I have +said, engaged ignobly elsewhere; and, however captivating my own person +and manners may have been, it was not to be expected that she should all +of a sudden forget her lover for the sake of the young Irish gentleman +who was paying his addresses to her. But such little rebuffs as I got +were far from discouraging me. I had very powerful friends, who were to +aid me in my undertaking; and knew that, sooner or later, the victory +must be mine. In fact, I only waited my time to press my suit. Who +could tell the dreadful stroke of fortune which was impending over my +illustrious protectress, and which was to involve me partially in her +ruin? + +All things seemed for a while quite prosperous to my wishes; and in +spite of the Countess Ida's disinclination, it was much easier to +bring her to her senses than, perhaps, may be supposed in a silly +constitutional country like England, where people are not brought up +with those wholesome sentiments of obedience to Royalty which were +customary in Europe at the time when I was a young man. + +I have stated how, through Magny, I had the Princess, as it were, at my +feet. Her Highness had only to press the match upon the old Duke, over +whom her influence was unbounded, and to secure the goodwill of +the Countess of Liliengarten, (which was the romantic title of his +Highness's morganatic spouse), and the easy old man would give an +order for the marriage: which his ward would perforce obey. Madame de +Liliengarten was, too, from her position, extremely anxious to oblige +the Princess Olivia; who might be called upon any day to occupy the +throne. The old Duke was tottering, apoplectic, and exceedingly fond of +good living. When he was gone, his relict would find the patronage of +the Duchess Olivia most necessary to her. Hence there was a close +mutual understanding between the two ladies; and the world said that the +Hereditary Princess was already indebted to the favourite for help on +various occasions. Her Highness had obtained, through the Countess, +several large grants of money for the payment of her multifarious debts; +and she was now good enough to exert her gracious influence over Madame +de Liliengarten in order to obtain for me the object so near my +heart. It is not to be supposed that my end was to be obtained without +continual unwillingness and refusals on Magny's part; but I pushed +my point resolutely, and had means in my hands of overcoming the +stubbornness of that feeble young gentleman. Also, I may say, without +vanity, that if the high and mighty Princess detested me, the Countess +(though she was of extremely low origin, it is said) had better taste +and admired me. She often did us the honour to go partners with us in +one of our faro-banks, and declared that I was the handsomest man in the +duchy. All I was required to prove was my nobility, and I got at Vienna +such a pedigree as would satisfy the most greedy in that way. In fact, +what had a man descended from the Barrys and the Bradys to fear before +any VON in Germany? By way of making assurance doubly sure, I promised +Madame de Liliengarten ten thousand louis on the day of my marriage, and +she knew that as a play-man I had never failed in my word: and I vow, +that had I paid fifty per cent. for it, I would have got the money. + +Thus by my talents, honesty, and acuteness, I had, considering I was +a poor patronless outcast, raised for myself very powerful protectors. +Even his Highness the Duke Victor was favourably inclined to me; for, +his favourite charger falling ill of the staggers, I gave him a ball +such as my uncle Brady used to administer, and cured the horse; after +which his Highness was pleased to notice me frequently. He invited me +to his hunting and shooting parties, where I showed myself to be a good +sportsman; and once or twice he condescended to talk to me about my +prospects in life, lamenting that I had taken to gambling, and that I +had not adopted a more regular means of advancement. 'Sir,' said I, 'if +you will allow me to speak frankly to your Highness, play with me is +only a means to an end. Where should I have been without it? A private +still in King Frederick's grenadiers. I come of a race which gave +princes to my country; but persecutions have deprived them of their vast +possessions. My uncle's adherence to his ancient faith drove him from +our country. I too resolved to seek advancement in the military service; +but the insolence and ill-treatment which I received at the hands of +the English were not bearable by a high-born gentleman, and I fled their +service. It was only to fall into another bondage to all appearance +still more hopeless; when my good star sent a preserver to me in my +uncle, and my spirit and gallantry enabled me to take advantage of the +means of escape afforded me. Since then we have lived, I do not disguise +it, by play; but who can say I have done him a wrong? Yet, if I could +find myself in an honourable post, and with an assured maintenance, I +would never, except for amusement, such as every gentleman must have, +touch a card again. I beseech your Highness to inquire of your resident +at Berlin if I did not on every occasion act as a gallant soldier. I +feel that I have talents of a higher order, and should be proud to have +occasion to exert them; if, as I do not doubt, my fortune shall bring +them into play.' + +The candour of this statement struck his Highness greatly, and impressed +him in my favour, and he was pleased to say that he believed me, and +would be glad to stand my friend. + +Having thus the two Dukes, the Duchess, and the reigning favourite +enlisted on my side, the chances certainly were that I should carry off +the great prize; and I ought, according to all common calculations, to +have been a Prince of the Empire at this present writing, but that +my ill luck pursued me in a matter in which I was not the least to +blame,--the unhappy Duchess's attachment to the weak, silly, cowardly +Frenchman. The display of this love was painful to witness, as its end +was frightful to think of. The Princess made no disguise of it. If +Magny spoke a word to a lady of her household, she would be jealous, and +attack with all the fury of her tongue the unlucky offender. She would +send him a half-dozen of notes in the day: at his arrival to join her +circle or the courts which she held, she would brighten up, so that all +might perceive. It was a wonder that her husband had not long ere this +been made aware of her faithlessness; but the Prince Victor was himself +of so high and stern a nature that he could not believe in her stooping +so far from her rank as to forget her virtue: and I have heard say, +that when hints were given to him of the evident partiality which the +Princess showed for the equerry, his answer was a stern command never +more to be troubled on the subject. 'The Princess is light-minded,' he +said; 'she was brought up at a frivolous Court; but her folly goes not +beyond coquetry: crime is impossible; she has her birth, and my name, +and her children, to defend her.' And he would ride off to his +military inspections and be absent for weeks, or retire to his suite of +apartments, and remain closeted there whole days; only appearing to +make a bow at her Highness's LEVEE, or to give her his hand at the Court +galas, where ceremony required that he should appear. He was a man of +vulgar tastes, and I have seen him in the private garden, with his great +ungainly figure, running races, or playing at ball with his little son +and daughter, whom he would find a dozen pretexts daily for visiting. +The serene children were brought to their mother every morning at +her toilette; but she received them very indifferently: except on one +occasion, when the young Duke Ludwig got his little uniform as colonel +of hussars, being presented with a regiment by his godfather the Emperor +Leopold. Then, for a day or two, the Duchess Olivia was charmed with +the little boy; but she grew tired of him speedily, as a child does of +a toy. I remember one day, in the morning circle, some of the Princess's +rouge came off on the arm of her son's little white military jacket; on +which she slapped the poor child's face, and sent him sobbing away. Oh, +the woes that have been worked by women in this world! the misery into +which men have lightly stepped with smiling faces; often not even with +the excuse of passion, but from mere foppery, vanity, and bravado! Men +play with these dreadful two-edged tools, as if no harm could come to +them. I, who have seen more of life than most men, if I had a son, would +go on my knees to him and beg him to avoid woman, who is worse than +poison. Once intrigue, and your whole life is endangered: you never know +when the evil may fall upon you; and the woe of whole families, and the +ruin of innocent people perfectly dear to you, may be caused by a moment +of your folly. + +When I saw how entirely lost the unlucky Monsieur de Magny seemed to be, +in spite of all the claims I had against him, I urged him to fly. He had +rooms in the palace, in the garrets over the Princess's quarters +(the building was a huge one, and accommodated almost a city of noble +retainers of the family); but the infatuated young fool would not +budge, although he had not even the excuse of love for staying. 'How +she squints,' he would say of the Princess, 'and how crooked she is! She +thinks no one can perceive her deformity. She writes me verses out of +Gresset or Crebillon, and fancies I believe them to be original. Bah! +they are no more her own than her hair is!' It was in this way that the +wretched lad was dancing over the ruin that was yawning under him. I do +believe that his chief pleasure in making love to the Princess was, that +he might write about his victories to his friends of the PETITES MAISONS +at Paris, where he longed to be considered as a wit and a VAINQUEUR DE +DAMES. + +Seeing the young man's recklessness, and the danger of his position, +I became very anxious that MY little scheme should be brought to a +satisfactory end, and pressed him warmly on the matter. + +My solicitations with him were, I need not say, from the nature of the +connection between us, generally pretty successful; and, in fact, the +poor fellow could REFUSE ME NOTHING: as I used often laughingly to say +to him, very little to his liking. But I used more than threats, or the +legitimate influence I had over him. I used delicacy and generosity; +as a proof of which, I may mention that I promised to give back to the +Princess the family emerald, which I mentioned in the last chapter that +I had won from her unprincipled admirer at play. + +This was done by my uncle's consent, and was one of the usual acts of +prudence and foresight which distinguish that clever man. "Press the +matter now, Redmond my boy," he would urge. "This affair between her +Highness and Magny must end ill for both of them, and that soon; and +where will be your chance to win the Countess then? Now is your time! +win her and wear her before the month is over, and we will give up the +punting business, and go live like noblemen at our castle in Swabia. Get +rid of that emerald, too," he added: "should an accident happen, it will +be an ugly deposit found in our hand." This it was that made me agree to +forego the possession of the trinket; which, I must confess, I was +loth to part with. It was lucky for us both that I did: as you shall +presently hear. + +Meanwhile, then, I urged Magny: I myself spoke strongly to the Countess +of Liliengarten, who promised formally to back my claim with his +Highness the reigning Duke; and Monsieur de Magny was instructed to +induce the Princess Olivia to make a similar application to the old +sovereign in my behalf. It was done. The two ladies urged the Prince; +his Highness (at a supper of oysters and champagne) was brought to +consent, and her Highness the Hereditary Princess did me the honour of +notifying personally to the Countess Ida that it was the Prince's will +that she should marry the young Irish nobleman, the Chevalier Redmond de +Balibari. The notification was made in my presence; and though the young +Countess said 'Never!' and fell down in a swoon at her lady's feet, I +was, you may be sure, entirely unconcerned at this little display of +mawkish sensibility, and felt, indeed, now that my prize was secure. + +That evening I gave the Chevalier de Magny the emerald, which he +promised to restore to the Princess; and now the only difficulty in my +way lay with the Hereditary Prince, of whom his father, his wife, and +the favourite, were alike afraid. He might not be disposed to allow the +richest heiress in his duchy to be carried off by a noble, though not +a wealthy foreigner. Time was necessary in order to break the matter to +Prince Victor. The Princess must find him at some moment of good-humour. +He had days of infatuation still, when he could refuse his wife nothing; +and our plan was to wait for one of these, or for any other chance which +might occur. + +But it was destined that the Princess should never see her husband at +her feet, as often as he had been. Fate was preparing a terrible ending +to her follies, and my own hope. In spite of his solemn promises to me, +Magny never restored the emerald to the Princess Olivia. + +He had heard, in casual intercourse with me, that my uncle and I had +been beholden to Mr. Moses Lowe, the banker of Heidelberg, who had given +us a good price for our valuables; and the infatuated young man took +a pretext to go thither, and offered the jewel for pawn. Moses Lowe +recognised the emerald at once, gave Magny the sum the latter demanded, +which the Chevalier lost presently at play: never, you may be sure, +acquainting us with the means by which he had made himself master of so +much capital. We, for our parts, supposed that he had been supplied by +his usual banker, the Princess: and many rouleaux of his gold pieces +found their way into our treasury, when at the Court galas, at our own +lodgings, or at the apartments of Madame de Liliengarten (who on these +occasions did us the honour to go halves with us) we held our bank of +faro. + +Thus Magny's money was very soon gone. But though the Jew held his +jewel, of thrice the value no doubt of the sums he had lent upon it, +that was not all the profit which he intended to have from his unhappy +creditor; over whom he began speedily to exercise his authority. His +Hebrew connections at X--, money-brokers, bankers, horse-dealers, about +the Court there, must have told their Heidelberg brother what Magny's +relations with the Princess were; and the rascal determined to take +advantage of these, and to press to the utmost both victims. My +uncle and I were, meanwhile, swimming upon the high tide of fortune, +prospering with our cards, and with the still greater matrimonial game +which we were playing; and we were quite unaware of the mine under our +feet. + +Before a month was passed, the Jew began to pester Magny. He presented +himself at X--, and asked for further interest-hush-money; otherwise +he must sell the emerald. Magny got money for him; the Princess again +befriended her dastardly lover. The success of the first demand only +rendered the second more exorbitant. I know not how much money was +extorted and paid on this unluckly emerald: but it was the cause of the +ruin of us all. + +One night we were keeping our table as usual at the Countess of +Liliengarten's, and Magny being in cash somehow, kept drawing out +rouleau after rouleau, and playing with his common ill success. In +the middle of the play a note was brought into him, which he read, and +turned very pale on perusing; but the luck was against him, and looking +up rather anxiously at the clock, he waited for a few more turns of the +cards, when having, I suppose, lost his last rouleau, he got up with a +wild oath that scared some of the polite company assembled, and left +the room. A great trampling of horses was heard without; but we were +too much engaged with our business to heed the noise, and continued our +play. + +Presently some one came into the play-room and said to the Countess, +'Here is a strange story! A Jew has been murdered in the Kaiserwald. +Magny was arrested when he went out of the room.' All the party broke +up on hearing this strange news, and we shut up our bank for the night. +Magny had been sitting by me during the play (my uncle dealt and I paid +and took the money), and, looking under the chair, there was a crumpled +paper, which I took up and read. It was that which had been delivered to +him, and ran thus:--'If you have done it, take the orderly's horse who +brings this. It is the best of my stable. There are a hundred louis in +each holster, and the pistols are loaded. Either course lies open to +you if you know what I mean. In a quarter of an hour I shall know our +fate--whether I am to be dishonoured and survive you, whether you are +guilty and a coward, or whether you are still worthy of the name of + + 'M.' + +This was in the handwriting of the old General de Magny; and my uncle +and I, as we walked home at night, having made and divided with the +Countess Liliengarten no inconsiderable profits that night, felt our +triumphs greatly dashed by the perusal of the letter. 'Has Magny,' we +asked, 'robbed the Jew, or has his intrigue been discovered?' In either +case, my claims on the Countess Ida were likely to meet with serious +drawbacks: and I began to feel that my 'great card' was played and +perhaps lost. + +Well, it WAS lost: though I say, to this day, it was well and gallantly +played. After supper (which we never for fear of consequences took +during play) I became so agitated in my mind as to what was occurring +that I determined to sally out about midnight into the town, and inquire +what was the real motive of Magny's apprehension. A sentry was at the +door, and signified to me that I and my uncle were under arrest. + +We were left in our quarters for six weeks, so closely watched that +escape was impossible, had we desired it; but, as innocent men, we had +nothing to fear. Our course of life was open to all, and we desired and +courted inquiry. Great and tragical events happened during those six +weeks; of which, though we heard the outline, as all Europe did, when we +were released from our captivity, we were yet far from understanding all +the particulars, which were not much known to me for many years after. +Here they are, as they were told me by the lady, who of all the world +perhaps was most likely to know them. But the narrative had best form +the contents of another chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. TRAGICAL HISTORY OF PRINCESS OF X---- + +More than twenty years after the events described in the past chapters, +I was walking with my Lady Lyndon in the Rotunda at Ranelagh. It was in +the year 1790; the emigration from France had already commenced, the +old counts and marquises were thronging to our shores: not starving and +miserable, as one saw them a few years afterwards, but unmolested as +yet, and bringing with them some token of their national splendour. +I was walking with Lady Lyndon, who, proverbially jealous and always +anxious to annoy me, spied out a foreign lady who was evidently +remarking me, and of course asked who was the hideous fat Dutchwoman who +was leering at me so? I knew her not in the least. I felt I had seen the +lady's face somewhere (it was now, as my wife said, enormously fat and +bloated); but I did not recognise in the bearer of that face one who had +been among the most beautiful women in Germany in her day. + +It was no other than Madame de Liliengarten, the mistress, or as some +said the morganatic wife, of the old Duke of X----, Duke Victor's +father. She had left X----a few months after the elder Duke's demise, +had gone to Paris, as I heard, where some unprincipled adventurer +had married her for her money; but, however, had always retained her +quasi-royal title, and pretended, amidst the great laughter of the +Parisians who frequented her house, to the honours and ceremonial of a +sovereign's widow. She had a throne erected in her state-room, and was +styled by her servants and those who wished to pay court to her, +or borrow money from her, 'Altesse.' Report said she drank rather +copiously--certainly her face bore every mark of that habit, and +had lost the rosy, frank, good-humoured beauty which had charmed the +sovereign who had ennobled her. + +Although she did not address me in the circle at Ranelagh, I was at this +period as well known as the Prince of Wales, and she had no difficulty +in finding my house in Berkeley Square; whither a note was next morning +despatched to me. 'An old friend of Monsieur de Balibari,' it stated +(in extremely bad French), 'is anxious to see the Chevalier again and +to talk over old happy times. Rosina de Liliengarten (can it be that +Redmond Balibari has forgotten her?) will be at her house in Leicester +Fields all the morning, looking for one who would never have passed her +by TWENTY YEARS ago.' + +Rosina of Liliengarten it was indeed--such a full-blown Rosina I have +seldom seen. I found her in a decent first-floor in Leicester Fields +(the poor soul fell much lower afterwards) drinking tea, which had +somehow a very strong smell of brandy in it; and after salutations, +which would be more tedious to recount than they were to perform, and +after further straggling conversation, she gave me briefly the +following narrative of the events in X----, which I may well entitle the +'Princess's Tragedy.' + +'You remember Monsieur de Geldern, the Police Minister. He was of Dutch +extraction, and, what is more, of a family of Dutch Jews. Although +everybody was aware of this blot in his scutcheon, he was mortally angry +if ever his origin was suspected; and made up for his fathers' errors +by outrageous professions of religion, and the most austere practices +of devotion. He visited church every morning, confessed once a week, and +hated Jews and Protestants as much as an inquisitor could do. He never +lost an opportunity of proving his sincerity, by persecuting one or the +other whenever occasion fell in his way. + +'He hated the Princess mortally; for her Highness in some whim had +insulted him with his origin, caused pork to be removed from before him +at table, or injured him in some such silly way; and he had a violent +animosity to the old Baron de Magny, both in his capacity of Protestant, +and because the latter in some haughty mood had publicly turned his back +upon him as a sharper and a spy. Perpetual quarrels were taking place +between them in council; where it was only the presence of his +august masters that restrained the Baron from publicly and frequently +expressing the contempt which he felt for the officer of police. + +'Thus Geldern had hatred as one reason for ruining the Princess, and it +is my belief he had a stronger motive still--interest. You remember whom +the Duke married, after the death of his first wife?--a princess of the +house of F----. Geldern built his fine palace two years after, and, as I +feel convinced, with the money which was paid to him by the F----family +for forwarding the match. + +'To go to Prince Victor, and report to his Highness a case which +everybody knew, was not by any means Geldern's desire. He knew the man +would be ruined for ever in the Prince's estimation who carried him +intelligence so disastrous. His aim, therefore, was to leave the matter +to explain itself to his Highness; and, when the time was ripe, he cast +about for a means of carrying his point. He had spies in the houses of +the elder and younger Magny; but this you know, of course, from your +experience of Continental customs. We had all spies over each other. +Your black (Zamor, I think, was his name) used to give me reports every +morning; and I used to entertain the dear old Duke with stories of you +and your uncle practising picquet and dice in the morning, and with your +quarrels and intrigues. We levied similar contributions on everybody +in X----, to amuse the dear old man. Monsieur de Magny's valet used to +report both to me and Monsieur de Geldern. + +'I knew of the fact of the emerald being in pawn; and it was out of my +exchequer that the poor Princess drew the funds which were spent upon +the odious Lowe, and the still more worthless young Chevalier. How the +Princess could trust the latter as she persisted in doing, is beyond my +comprehension; but there is no infatuation like that of a woman in +love: and you will remark, my dear Monsieur de Balibari, that our sex +generally fix upon a bad man.' + +'Not always, madam,' I interposed; 'your humble servant has created many +such attachments.' + +'I do not see that that affects the truth of the proposition,' said +the old lady drily, and continued her narrative. 'The Jew who held the +emerald had had many dealings with the Princess, and at last was offered +a bribe of such magnitude, that he determined to give up the pledge. He +committed the inconceivable imprudence of bringing the emerald with him +to X----, and waited on Magny, who was provided by the Princess with +money to redeem the pledge, and was actually ready to pay it.' + +'Their interview took place in Magny's own apartments, when his valet +overheard every word of their conversation. The young man, who was +always utterly careless of money when it was in his possession, was +so easy in offering it, that Lowe rose in his demands, and had the +conscience to ask double the sum for which he had previously stipulated. + +'At this the Chevalier lost all patience, fell on the wretch and was for +killing him; when the opportune valet rushed in and saved him. The man +had heard every word of the conversation between the disputants, and +the Jew ran flying with terror into his arms; and Magny, a quick and +passionate, but not a violent man, bade the servant lead the villain +downstairs, and thought no more of him. + +'Perhaps he was not sorry to be rid of him, and to have in his +possession a large sum of money, four thousand ducats, with which he +could tempt fortune once more; as you know he did at your table that +night.' + +'Your ladyship went halves, madam,' said I; 'and you know how little I +was the better for my winnings.' + +'The man conducted the trembling Israelite out of the palace, and no +sooner had seen him lodged at the house of one of his brethren, where +he was accustomed to put up, than he went away to the office of his +Excellency the Minister of Police, and narrated every word of the +conversation which had taken place between the Jew and his master. + +'Geldern expressed the greatest satisfaction at his spy's prudence and +fidelity. He gave him a purse of twenty ducats, and promised to provide +for him handsomely: as great men do sometimes promise to reward their +instruments; but you, Monsieur de Balibari, know how seldom those +promises are kept. "Now, go and find out," said Monsieur de Geldern, +"at what time the Israelite proposes to return home again, or whether he +will repent and take the money." The man went on this errand. Meanwhile, +to make matters sure, Geldern arranged a play-party at my house, +inviting you thither with your bank, as you may remember; and finding +means, at the same time, to let Maxime de Magny know that there was +to be faro at Madame de Liliengarten's. It was an invitation the poor +fellow never neglected.' + +I remembered the facts, and listened on, amazed at the artifice of the +infernal Minister of Police. + +'The spy came back from his message to Lowe, and stated that he had made +inquiries among the servants of the house where the Heidelberg banker +lodged, and that it was the latter's intention to leave X----that +afternoon. He travelled by himself, riding an old horse, exceedingly +humbly attired, after the manner of his people. + +'"Johann," said the Minister, clapping the pleased spy upon the +shoulder, "I am more and more pleased with you. I have been thinking, +since you left me, of your intelligence, and the faithful manner in +which you have served me; and shall soon find an occasion to place you +according to your merits. Which way does this Israelitish scoundrel +take?" + +'"He goes to R----to-night." + +'"And must pass by the Kaiserwald. Are you a man of courage, Johann +Kerner?" + +'"Will your Excellency try me?" said the man, his eyes glittering: "I +served through the Seven Years' War, and was never known to fail there." + +'"Now, listen. The emerald must be taken from that Jew: in the very +keeping it the scoundrel has committed high treason. To the man who +brings me that emerald I swear I will give five hundred louis. You +understand why it is necessary that it should be restored to her +Highness. I need say no more." + +'"You shall have it to-night, sir," said the man. "Of course your +Excellency will hold me harmless in case of accident." + +'"Psha!" answered the Minister; "I will pay you half the money +beforehand; such is my confidence in you. Accident's impossible if you +take your measures properly. There are four leagues of wood; the Jew +rides slowly. It will be night before he can reach, let us say, the +old Powder-Mill in the wood. What's to prevent you from putting a +rope across the road, and dealing with him there? Be back with me +this evening at supper. If you meet any of the patrol, say 'foxes are +loose,'--that's the word for to-night. They will let you pass them +without questions." + +'The man went off quite charmed with his commission; and when Magny was +losing his money at our faro-table, his servant waylaid the Jew at the +spot named the Powder-Mill, in the Kaiserwald. The Jew's horse stumbled +over a rope which had been placed across the road; and, as the rider +fell groaning to the ground, Johann Kerner rushed out on him, masked, +and pistol in hand, and demanded his money. He had no wish to kill the +Jew, I believe, unless his resistance should render extreme measures +necessary. + +'Nor did he commit any such murder; for, as the yelling Jew roared for +mercy, and his assailant menaced him with a pistol, a squad of patrol +came up, and laid hold of the robber and the wounded man. + +'Kerner swore an oath. "You have come too soon," said he to the sergeant +of the police. "FOXES ARE LOOSE." "Some are caught," said the sergeant, +quite unconcerned; and bound the fellow's hands with the rope which he +had stretched across the road to entrap the Jew. He was placed behind +a policeman on a horse; Lowe was similarly accommodated, and the +party thus came back into the town as the night fell. 'They were taken +forthwith to the police quarter; and, as the chief happened to be there, +they were examined by his Excellency in person. Both were rigorously +searched; the Jew's papers and cases taken from him: the jewel was +found in a private pocket. As for the spy, the Minister, looking at him +angrily, said, "Why, this is the servant of the Chevalier de Magny, one +of her Highness's equerries!" and without hearing a word in exculpation +from the poor frightened wretch, ordered him into close confinement. + +'Calling for his horse, he then rode to the Prince's apartments at the +palace, and asked for an instant audience. When admitted, he produced +the emerald. "This jewel," said he, "has been found on the person of a +Heidelberg Jew, who has been here repeatedly of late, and has had many +dealings with her Highness's equerry, the Chevalier de Magny. This +afternoon the Chevalier's servant came from his master's lodgings, +accompanied by the Hebrew; was heard to make inquiries as to the route +the man intended to take on his way homewards; followed him, or preceded +him rather, and was found in the act of rifling his victim by my police +in the Kaiserwald. The man will confess nothing; but, on being searched, +a large sum in gold was found on his person; and though it is with the +utmost pain that I can bring myself to entertain such an opinion, and to +implicate a gentleman of the character and name of Monsieur de Magny, +I do submit that our duty is to have the Chevalier examined relative to +the affair. As Monsieur de Magny is in her Highness's private service, +and in her confidence I have heard, I would not venture to apprehend him +without your Highness's permission." + +'The Prince's Master of the Horse, a friend of the old Baron de +Magny, who was present at the interview, no sooner heard the strange +intelligence than he hastened away to the old general with the dreadful +news of his grandson's supposed crime. Perhaps his Highness himself +was not unwilling that his old friend and tutor in arms should have the +chance of saving his family from disgrace; at all events, Monsieur de +Hengst, the Master of the Horse, was permitted to go off to the Baron +undisturbed, and break to him the intelligence of the accusation pending +over the unfortunate Chevalier. + +'It is possible that he expected some such dreadful catastrophe, for, +after hearing Hengst's narrative (as the latter afterwards told me), he +only said, "Heaven's will be done!" for some time refused to stir a +step in the matter, and then only by the solicitation of his friend +was induced to write the letter which Maxime de Magny received at our +play-table. + +'Whilst he was there, squandering the Princess's money, a police visit +was paid to his apartments, and a hundred proofs, not of his guilt with +respect to the robbery, but of his guilty connection with the Princess, +were discovered there,--tokens of her giving, passionate letters +from her, copies of his own correspondence to his young friends at +Paris,--all of which the Police Minister perused, and carefully put +together under seal for his Highness, Prince Victor. I have no doubt he +perused them, for, on delivering them to the Hereditary Prince, Geldern +said that, IN OBEDIENCE TO HIS HIGHNESS'S ORDERS, he had collected +the Chevalier's papers; but he need not say that, on his honour, he +(Geldern) himself had never examined the documents. His difference with +Messieurs de Magny was known; he begged his Highness to employ any other +official person in the judgment of the accusation brought against the +young Chevalier. + +'All these things were going on while the Chevalier was at play. A run +of luck--you had great luck in those days, Monsieur de Balibari--was +against him. He stayed and lost his 4000 ducats. He received his uncle's +note, and such was the infatuation of the wretched gambler, that, on +receipt of it, he went down to the courtyard, where the horse was in +waiting, absolutely took the money which the poor old gentleman had +placed in the saddle-holsters, brought it upstairs, played it, and lost +it; and when he issued from the room to fly, it was too late: he +was placed in arrest at the bottom of my staircase, as you were upon +entering your own home. + +'Even when he came in under the charge of the soldiery sent to arrest +him, the old General, who was waiting, was overjoyed to see him, and +flung himself into the lad's arms, and embraced him: it was said, +for the first time in many years. "He is here, gentlemen," he sobbed +out,--"thank God he is not guilty of the robbery!" and then sank back in +a chair in a burst of emotion; painful, it was said by those present, +to witness on the part of a man so brave, and known to be so cold and +stern. + +'"Robbery!" said the young man. "I swear before Heaven I am guilty of +none!" and a scene of almost touching reconciliation passed between +them, before the unhappy young man was led from the guard-house into the +prison which he was destined never to quit. + +'That night the Duke looked over the papers which Geldern had brought to +him. It was at a very early stage of the perusal, no doubt, that he gave +orders for your arrest; for you were taken at midnight, Magny at ten +o'clock; after which time the old Baron de Magny had seen his Highness, +protesting of his grandson's innocence, and the Prince had received him +most graciously and kindly. His Highness said he had no doubt the +young man was innocent; his birth and his blood rendered such a crime +impossible; but suspicion was too strong against him: he was known to +have been that day closeted with the Jew; to have received a very large +sum of money which he squandered at play, and of which the Hebrew had, +doubtless, been the lender,--to have despatched his servant after him, +who inquired the hour of the Jew's departure, lay in wait for him, and +rifled him. Suspicion was so strong against the Chevalier, that common +justice required his arrest; and, meanwhile, until he cleared himself, +he should be kept in not dishonourable durance, and every regard had +for his name, and the services of his honourable grandfather. With +this assurance, and with a warm grasp of the hand, the Prince left old +General de Magny that night; and the veteran retired to rest almost +consoled, and confident in Maxime's eventual and immediate release. + +'But in the morning, before daybreak, the Prince, who had been reading +papers all night, wildly called to the page, who slept in the next +room across the door, bade him get horses, which were always kept in +readiness in the stables, and, flinging a parcel of letters into a +box, told the page to follow him on horseback with these. The young man +(Monsieur de Weissenborn) told this to a young lady who was then of my +household, and who is now Madame de Weissenborn, and a mother of a score +of children. + +'The page described that never was such a change seen as in his august +master in the course of that single night. His eyes were bloodshot, his +face livid, his clothes were hanging loose about him, and he who +had always made his appearance on parade as precisely dressed as any +sergeant of his troops, might have been seen galloping through the +lonely streets at early dawn without a hat, his unpowdered hair +streaming behind him like a madman. + +'The page, with the box of papers, clattered after his master,--it was +no easy task to follow him; and they rode from the palace to the town, +and through it to the General's quarter. The sentinels at the door were +scared at the strange figure that rushed up to the General's gate, and, +not knowing him, crossed bayonets, and refused him admission. "Fools," +said Weissenborn, "it is the Prince!" And, jangling at the bell as if +for an alarm of fire, the door was at length opened by the porter, and +his Highness ran up to the Generals bedchamber, followed by the page +with the box. + +'"Magny--Magny," roared the Prince, thundering at the closed door, "get +up!" And to the queries of the old man from within, answered, "It is +I--Victor--the Prince!--get up!" And presently the door was opened by +the General in his ROBE-DE-CHAMBRE, and the Prince entered. The page +brought in the box, and was bidden to wait without, which he did; but +there led from Monsieur de Magny's bedroom into his antechamber two +doors, the great one which formed the entrance into his room, and a +smaller one which led, as the fashion is with our houses abroad, into +the closet which communicates with the alcove where the bed is. The door +of this was found by M. de Weissenborn to be open, and the young man +was thus enabled to hear and see everything which occurred within the +apartment. + +'The General, somewhat nervously, asked what was the reason of so early +a visit from his Highness; to which the Prince did not for a while +reply, farther than by staring at him rather wildly, and pacing up and +down the room. + +'At last he said, "Here is the cause!" dashing his fist on the box; and, +as he had forgotten to bring the key with him, he went to the door for a +moment, saying, "Weissenborn perhaps has it;" but seeing over the stove +one of the General's couteaux de chasse, he took it down, and said, +"That will do," and fell to work to burst the red trunk open with the +blade of the forest knife. The point broke, and he gave an oath, but +continued haggling on with the broken blade, which was better suited +to his purpose than the long pointed knife, and finally succeeded in +wrenching open the lid of the chest. + +'"What is the matter?" said he, laughing. "Here's the matter;--read +that!--here's more matter, read that!--here's more--no, not that; that's +somebody else's picture--but here's hers! Do you know that, Magny? My +wife's--the Princess's! Why did you and your cursed race ever come out +of France, to plant your infernal wickedness wherever your feet fell, +and to ruin honest German homes? What have you and yours ever had from +my family but confidence and kindness? We gave you a home when you +had none, and here's our reward!" and he flung a parcel of papers down +before the old General; who saw the truth at once;--he had known it long +before, probably, and sank down on his chair, covering his face. + +'The Prince went on gesticulating, and shrieking almost. "If a man +injured you so, Magny, before you begot the father of that gambling +lying villain yonder, you would have known how to revenge yourself. You +would have killed him! Yes, would have killed him. But who's to help +me to my revenge? I've no equal. I can't meet that dog of a +Frenchman,--that pimp from Versailles,--and kill him, as if he had +played the traitor to one of his own degree." + +'"The blood of Maxime de Magny," said the old gentleman proudly, "is as +good as that of any prince in Christendom." + +'"Can I take it?" cried the Prince; "you know I can't. I can't have the +privilege of any other gentleman in Europe. What am I to do? Look here, +Magny: I was wild when I came here; I didn't know what to do. You've +served me for thirty years; you've saved my life twice: they are all +knaves and harlots about my poor old father here--no honest men or +women--you are the only one--you saved my life; tell me what am I to +do?" Thus from insulting Monsieur de Magny, the poor distracted Prince +fell to supplicating him; and, at last, fairly flung himself down, and +burst out in an agony of tears. + +'Old Magny, one of the most rigid and cold of men on common occasions, +when he saw this outbreak of passion on the Prince's part, became, as my +informant has described to me, as much affected as his master. The +old man from being cold and high, suddenly fell, as it were, into +the whimpering querulousness of extreme old age. He lost all sense of +dignity; he went down on his knees, and broke out into all sorts of wild +incoherent attempts at consolation; so much so, that Weissenborn said he +could not bear to look at the scene, and actually turned away from the +contemplation of it. + +'But, from what followed in a few days, we may guess the results of the +long interview. The Prince, when he came away from the conversation with +his old servant, forgot his fatal box of papers and sent the page back +for them. The General was on his knees praying in the room when the +young man entered, and only stirred and looked wildly round as the other +removed the packet. The Prince rode away to his hunting-lodge at three +leagues from X----, and three days after that Maxime de Magny died in +prison; having made a confession that he was engaged in an attempt to +rob the Jew, and that he had made away with himself, ashamed of his +dishonour. + +'But it is not known that it was the General himself who took his +grandson poison: it was said even that he shot him in the prison. This, +however, was not the case. General de Magny carried his grandson the +draught which was to carry him out of the world; represented to the +wretched youth that his fate was inevitable; that it would be public and +disgraceful unless he chose to anticipate the punishment, and so left +him. But IT WAS NOT OF HIS OWN ACCORD, and not until he had used EVERY +means of escape, as you shall hear, that the unfortunate being's life +was brought to an end. + +'As for General de Magny, he quite fell into imbecility a short time +after his grandson's death, and my honoured Duke's demise. After his +Highness the Prince married the Princess Mary of F----, as they were +walking in the English park together they once met old Magny riding in +the sun in the easy chair, in which he was carried commonly abroad +after his paralytic fits. "This is my wife, Magny," said the Prince +affectionately, taking the veteran's hand; and he added, turning to his +Princess, "General de Magny saved my life during the Seven Years' War." + +'"What, you've taken her back again?" said the old man. "I wish you'd +send me back my poor Maxime." He had quite forgotten the death of the +poor Princess Olivia, and the Prince, looking very dark indeed, passed +away. + +'And now,' said Madame de Liliengarten, 'I have only one more gloomy +story to relate to you--the death of the Princess Olivia. It is even +more horrible than the tale I have just told you.' With which preface +the old lady resumed her narrative. + +'The kind weak Princess's fate was hastened, if not occasioned, by the +cowardice of Magny. He found means to communicate with her from his +prison, and her Highness, who was not in open disgrace yet (for the +Duke, out of regard to the family, persisted in charging Magny with only +robbery), made the most desperate efforts to relieve him, and to bribe +the gaolers to effect his escape. She was so wild that she lost all +patience and prudence in the conduct of any schemes she may have had +for Magny's liberation; for her husband was inexorable, and caused the +Chevalier's prison to be too strictly guarded for escape to be possible. +She offered the State jewels in pawn to the Court banker; who of course +was obliged to decline the transaction. She fell down on her knees, it +is said, to Geldern, the Police Minister, and offered him Heaven knows +what as a bribe. Finally, she came screaming to my poor dear Duke, who, +with his age, diseases, and easy habits, was quite unfit for scenes of +so violent a nature; and who, in consequence of the excitement created +in his august bosom by her frantic violence and grief, had a fit +in which I very nigh lost him. That his dear life was brought to an +untimely end by these transactions I have not the slightest doubt; for +the Strasbourg pie, of which they said he died, never, I am sure, +could have injured him, but for the injury which his dear gentle heart +received from the unusual occurrences in which he was forced to take a +share. + +'All her Highness's movements were carefully, though not ostensibly, +watched by her husband, Prince Victor; who, waiting upon his august +father, sternly signified to him that if his Highness (MY Duke) should +dare to aid the Princess in her efforts to release Magny, he, Prince +Victor, would publicly accuse the Princess and her paramour of high +treason, and take measures with the Diet for removing his father from +the throne, as incapacitated to reign. Hence interposition on our part +was vain, and Magny was left to his fate. + +'It came, as you are aware, very suddenly. Geldern, Police Minister, +Hengst, Master of the Horse, and the colonel of the Prince's guard, +waited upon the young man in his prison two days after his grandfather +had visited him there and left behind him the phial of poison which the +criminal had not the courage to use. And Geldern signified to the young +man that unless he took of his own accord the laurelwater provided by +the elder Magny, more violent means of death would be instantly employed +upon him, and that a file of grenadiers was in waiting in the +courtyard to despatch him. Seeing this, Magny, with the most dreadful +self-abasement, after dragging himself round the room on his knees +from one officer to another, weeping and screaming with terror, at last +desperately drank off the potion, and was a corpse in a few minutes. +Thus ended this wretched young man. + +'His death was made public in the COURT GAZETTE two days after, the +paragraph stating that Monsieur de M----, struck with remorse for having +attempted the murder of the Jew, had put himself to death by poison in +prison; and a warning was added to all young noblemen of the duchy to +avoid the dreadful sin of gambling, which had been the cause of the +young man's ruin, and had brought upon the grey hairs of one of the +noblest and most honourable of the servants of the Duke irretrievable +sorrow. + +'The funeral was conducted with decent privacy, the General de Magny +attending it. The carriages of the two Dukes and all the first people +of the Court made their calls upon the General afterwards. He attended +parade as usual the next day on the Arsenal-Place, and Duke Victor, who +had been inspecting the building, came out of it leaning on the brave +old warrior's arm. He was particularly gracious to the old man, and +told his officers the oft-repeated story how at Rosbach, when the +X----contingent served with the troops of the unlucky Soubise, the +General had thrown himself in the way of a French dragoon, who was +pressing hard upon his Highness in the rout, had received the blow +intended for his master, and killed the assailant. And he alluded to +the family motto of "Magny sans tache," and said, "It had been always +so with his gallant friend and tutor in arms." This speech affected all +present very much; with the exception of the old General, who only bowed +and did not speak: but when he went home he was heard muttering "Magny +sans tache, Magny sans tache!" and was attacked with paralysis that +night, from which he never more than partially recovered. + +'The news of Maxime's death had somehow been kept from the Princess +until now: a GAZETTE even being printed without the paragraph containing +the account of his suicide; but it was at length, I know not how, made +known to her. And when she heard it, her ladies tell me, she screamed +and fell, as if struck dead; then sat up wildly and raved like a +madwoman, and was then carried to her bed, where her physician attended +her, and where she lay of a brain-fever. All this while the Prince used +to send to make inquiries concerning her; and from his giving orders +that his Castle of Schlangenfels should be prepared and furnished, I +make no doubt it was his intention to send her into confinement thither: +as had been done with the unhappy sister of His Britannic Majesty at +Zell. + +'She sent repeatedly to demand an interview with his Highness; which the +latter declined, saying that he would communicate with her Highness when +her health was sufficiently recovered. To one of her passionate letters +he sent back for reply a packet, which, when opened, was found to +contain the emerald that had been the cause round which all this dark +intrigue moved. + +'Her Highness at this time became quite frantic; vowed in the presence +of all her ladies that one lock of her darling Maxime's hair was more +precious to her than all the jewels in the world: rang for her carriage, +and said she would go and kiss his tomb; proclaimed the murdered +martyr's innocence, and called down the punishment of Heaven, the wrath +of her family, upon his assassin. The Prince, on hearing these speeches +(they were all, of course, regularly brought to him), is said to have +given one of his dreadful looks (which I remember now), and to have +said, "This cannot last much longer." + +'All that day and the next the Princess Olivia passed in dictating +the most passionate letters to the Prince her father, to the Kings of +France, Naples, and Spain, her kinsmen, and to all other branches of her +family, calling upon them in the most incoherent terms to protect her +against the butcher and assassin her husband, assailing his person in +the maddest terms of reproach, and at the same time confessing her +love for the murdered Magny. It was in vain that those ladies who were +faithful to her pointed out to her the inutility of these letters, the +dangerous folly of the confessions which they made; she insisted +upon writing them, and used to give them to her second robe-woman, a +Frenchwoman (her Highness always affectioned persons of that nation), +who had the key of her cassette, and carried every one of these epistles +to Geldern. + +'With the exception that no public receptions were held, the ceremony of +the Princess's establishment went on as before. Her ladies were allowed +to wait upon her and perform their usual duties about her person. +The only men admitted were, however, her servants, her physician and +chaplain; and one day when she wished to go into the garden, a heyduc, +who kept the door, intimated to her Highness that the Prince's orders +were that she should keep her apartments. + +'They abut, as you remember, upon the landing of the marble staircase +of Schloss X----; the entrance to Prince Victor's suite of rooms being +opposite the Princess's on the same landing. This space is large, filled +with sofas and benches, and the gentlemen and officers who waited upon +the Duke used to make a sort of antechamber of the landing-place, and +pay their court to his Highness there, as he passed out, at eleven +o'clock, to parade. At such a time, the heyducs within the Princess's +suite of rooms used to turn out with their halberts and present to +Prince Victor--the same ceremony being performed on his own side, when +pages came out and announced the approach of his Highness. The pages +used to come out and say, "The Prince, gentlemen!" and the drums beat in +the hall, and the gentlemen rose, who were waiting on the benches that +ran along the balustrade. + +'As if fate impelled her to her death, one day the Princess, as her +guards turned out, and she was aware that the Prince was standing, as +was his wont, on the landing, conversing with his gentlemen (in the +old days he used to cross to the Princess's apartment and kiss her +hand)--the Princess, who had been anxious all the morning, complaining +of heat, insisting that all the doors of the apartments should be left +open; and giving tokens of an insanity which I think was now evident, +rushed wildly at the doors when the guards passed out, flung them open, +and before a word could be said, or her ladies could follow her, was +in presence of Duke Victor, who was talking as usual on the landing: +placing herself between him and the stair, she began apostrophising him +with frantic vehemence:-- + +'"Take notice, gentlemen!" she screamed out, "that this man is a +murderer and a liar; that he lays plots for honourable gentlemen, and +kills them in prison! Take notice, that I too am in prison, and fear the +same fate: the same butcher who killed Maxime de Magny, may, any night, +put the knife to my throat. I appeal to you, and to all the kings of +Europe, my Royal kinsmen. I demand to be set free from this tyrant +and villain, this liar and traitor! I adjure you all, as gentlemen of +honour, to carry these letters to my relatives, and say from whom you +had them!" and with this the unhappy lady began scattering letters about +among the astonished crowd. + +'"LET NO MAN STOOP!" cried the Prince, in a voice of thunder. "Madame de +Gleim, you should have watched your patient better. Call the Princess's +physicians: her Highness's brain is affected. Gentlemen, have the +goodness to retire." And the Prince stood on the landing as the +gentlemen went down the stairs, saying fiercely to the guard, "Soldier, +if she moves, strike with your halbert!" on which the man brought the +point of his weapon to the Princess's breast; and the lady, frightened, +shrank back and re-entered her apartments. "Now, Monsieur de +Weissenborn," said the Prince, "pick up all those papers;" and the +Prince went into his own apartments, preceded by his pages, and never +quitted them until he had seen every one of the papers burnt. + +'The next day the COURT GAZETTE contained a bulletin signed by the three +physicians, stating that "her Highness the Hereditary Princess laboured +under inflammation of the brain, and had passed a restless and disturbed +night." Similar notices were issued day after day. The services of all +her ladies, except two, were dispensed with. Guards were placed within +and without her doors; her windows were secured, so that escape from +them was impossible: and you know what took place ten days after. The +church-bells were ringing all night, and the prayers of the faithful +asked for a person IN EXTREMIS. A GAZETTE appeared in the morning, edged +with black, and stating that the high and mighty Princess Olivia +Maria Ferdinanda, consort of His Serene Highness Victor Louis Emanuel, +Hereditary Prince of X----, had died in the evening of the 24th of +January 1769. + +'But do you know HOW she died, sir? That, too, is a mystery. +Weissenborn, the page, was concerned in this dark tragedy; and the +secret was so dreadful, that never, believe me, till Prince Victor's +death, did I reveal it. + +'After the fatal ESCLANDRE which the Princess had made, the Prince +sent for Weissenborn, and binding him by the most solemn adjuration to +secrecy (he only broke it to his wife many years after: indeed, there is +no secret in the world that women cannot know if they will), despatched +him on the following mysterious commission. + +'"There lives," said his Highness, "on the Kehl side of the river, +opposite to Strasbourg, a man whose residence you will easily find +out from his name, which is MONSIEUR DE STRASBOURG. You will make your +inquiries concerning him quietly, and without occasioning any remark; +perhaps you had better go into Strasbourg for the purpose, where the +person is quite well known. You will take with you any comrade on whom +you can perfectly rely: the lives of both, remember, depend on your +secrecy. You will find out some period when MONSIEUR DE STRASBOURG is +alone, or only in company of the domestic who lives with him (I myself +visited the man by accident on my return from Paris five years since, +and hence am induced to send for him now, in my present emergency). You +will have your carriage waiting at his door at night; and you and your +comrade will enter his house masked; and present him with a purse of +a hundred louis; promising him double that sum on his return from his +expedition. If he refuse, you must use force and bring him; menacing him +with instant death should he decline to follow you. You will place him +in the carriage with the blinds drawn, one or other of you never +losing sight of him the whole way, and threatening him with death if he +discover himself or cry out. You will lodge him in the old Tower here, +where a room shall be prepared for him; and his work being done, you +will restore him to his home with the same speed and secrecy with which +you brought him from it." + +'Such were the mysterious orders Prince Victor gave his page; and +Weissenborn, selecting for his comrade in the expedition Lieutenant +Bartenstein, set out on his strange journey. + +'All this while the palace was hushed, as if in mourning, the bulletins +in the COURT GAZETTE appeared, announcing the continuance of the +Princess's malady; and though she had but few attendants, strange +and circumstantial stories were told regarding the progress of her +complaint. She was quite wild. She had tried to kill herself. She +had fancied herself to be I don't know how many different characters. +Expresses were sent to her family informing them of her state, and +couriers despatched PUBLICLY to Vienna and Paris to procure the +attendance of physicians skilled in treating diseases of the brain. +That pretended anxiety was all a feint: it was never intended that the +Princess should recover. + +'The day on which Weissenborn and Bartenstein returned from their +expedition, it was announced that her Highness the Princess was much +worse; that night the report through the town was that she was at the +agony: and that night the unfortunate creature was endeavouring to make +her escape. + +'She had unlimited confidence in the French chamber-woman who attended +her, and between her and this woman the plan of escape was arranged. The +Princess took her jewels in a casket; a private door, opening from +one of her rooms and leading into the outer gate, it was said, of +the palace, was discovered for her: and a letter was brought to her, +purporting to be from the Duke, her father-in-law, and stating that a +carriage and horses had been provided, and would take her to B----: the +territory where she might communicate with her family and be safe. + +'The unhappy lady, confiding in her guardian, set out on the expedition. +The passages wound through the walls of the modern part of the palace +and abutted in effect at the old Owl Tower, as it was called, on the +outer wall: the tower was pulled down afterwards, and for good reason. + +'At a certain place the candle, which the chamberwoman was carrying, +went out; and the Princess would have screamed with terror, but her hand +was seized, and a voice cried "Hush!" The next minute a man in a +mask (it was the Duke himself) rushed forward, gagged her with a +handkerchief, her hands and legs were bound, and she was carried +swooning with terror into a vaulted room, where she was placed by a +person there waiting, and tied in an arm-chair. The same mask who had +gagged her, came and bared her neck and said, "It had best be done now +she has fainted." + +'Perhaps it would have been as well; for though she recovered from her +swoon, and her confessor, who was present, came forward and endeavoured +to prepare her for the awful deed which was about to be done upon her, +and for the state into which she was about to enter, when she came to +herself it was only to scream like a maniac, to curse the Duke as a +butcher and tyrant, and to call upon Magny, her dear Magny. + +'At this the Duke said, quite calmly, "May God have mercy on her sinful +soul!" He, the confessor, and Geldern, who were present, went down on +their knees; and, as his Highness dropped his handkerchief, Weissenborn +fell down in a fainting fit; while MONSIEUR DE STRASBOURG, taking the +back hair in his hand, separated the shrieking head of Olivia from the +miserable sinful body. May Heaven have mercy upon her soul!' + +***** + +This was the story told by Madame de Liliengarten, and the reader will +have no difficulty in drawing from it that part which affected myself +and my uncle; who, after six weeks of arrest, were set at liberty, but +with orders to quit the duchy immediately: indeed, with an escort of +dragoons to conduct us to the frontier. What property we had, we were +allowed to sell and realise in money; but none of our play debts were +paid to us: and all my hopes of the Countess Ida were thus at an end. + +When Duke Victor came to the throne, which he did when, six months +after, apoplexy carried off the old sovereign his father, all the good +old usages of X----were given up,--play forbidden; the opera and ballet +sent to the right-about; and the regiments which the old Duke had +sold recalled from their foreign service: with them came my Countess's +beggarly cousin the ensign, and he married her. I don't know whether +they were happy or not. It is certain that a woman of such a poor spirit +did not merit any very high degree of pleasure. + +The now reigning Duke of X----himself married four years after his first +wife's demise, and Geldern, though no longer Police Minister, built the +grand house of which Madame de Liliengarten spoke. What became of +the minor actors in the great tragedy, who knows? Only MONSIEUR DE +STRASBOURG was restored to his duties. Of the rest--the Jew, the +chamber-woman, the spy on Magny--I know nothing. Those sharp tools with +which great people cut out their enterprises are generally broken in the +using: nor did I ever hear that their employers had much regard for them +in their ruin. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. I CONTINUE MY CAREER AS A MAN OF FASHION + +I find I have already filled up many scores of pages, and yet a vast +deal of the most interesting portion of my history remains to be told, +viz. that which describes my sojourn in the kingdoms of England and +Ireland, and the great part I played there; moving among the most +illustrious of the land, myself not the least distinguished of the +brilliant circle. In order to give due justice to this portion of my +Memoirs, then,--which is more important than my foreign adventures can +be (though I could fill volumes with interesting descriptions of the +latter),--I shall cut short the account of my travels in Europe, and of +my success at the Continental Courts, in order to speak of what befell +me at home. Suffice it to say that there is not a capital in Europe, +except the beggarly one of Berlin, where the young Chevalier de Balibari +was not known and admired; and where he has not made the brave, the +high-born, and the beautiful talk of him. I won 80,000 roubles from +Potemkin at the Winter Palace at Petersburg, which the scoundrelly +favourite never paid me; I have had the honour of seeing his Royal +Highness the Chevalier Charles Edward as drunk as any porter at Rome; +my uncle played several matches at billiards against the celebrated Lord +C----at Spa, and I promise you did not come off a loser. In fact, by a +neat stratagem of ours, we raised the laugh against his Lordship, and +something a great deal more substantial. My Lord did not know that the +Chevalier Barry had a useless eye; and when, one day, my uncle playfully +bet him odds at billiards that he would play him with a patch over +one eye, the noble lord, thinking to bite us (he was one of the most +desperate gamblers that ever lived), accepted the bet, and we won a very +considerable amount of him. + +Nor need I mention my successes among the fairer portion of the +creation. One of the most accomplished, the tallest, the most athletic, +and the handsomest gentlemen of Europe, as I was then, a young fellow +of my figure could not fail of having advantages, which a person of my +spirit knew very well how to use. But upon these subjects I am dumb. +Charming Schuvaloff, black-eyed Sczotarska, dark Valdez, tender +Hegenheim, brilliant Langeac!--ye gentle hearts that knew how to beat in +old times for the warm young Irish gentleman, where are you now? Though +my hair has grown grey now, and my sight dim, and my heart cold with +years, and ennui, and disappointment, and the treachery of friends, +yet I have but to lean back in my arm-chair and think, and those sweet +figures come rising up before me out of the past, with their smiles, and +their kindnesses, and their bright tender eyes! There are no women like +them now--no manners like theirs! Look you at a bevy of women at the +Prince's, stitched up in tight white satin sacks, with their waists +under their arms, and compare them to the graceful figures of the old +time! Why, when I danced with Coralie de Langeac at the fetes on the +birth of the first Dauphin at Versailles, her hoop was eighteen feet +in circumference, and the heels of her lovely little mules were three +inches from the ground; the lace of my jabot was worth a thousand +crowns, and the buttons of my amaranth velvet coat alone cost eighty +thousand livres. Look at the difference now! The gentlemen are dressed +like boxers, Quakers, or hackney-coachmen; and the ladies are not +dressed at all. There is no elegance, no refinement; none of the +chivalry of the old world, of which I form a portion. Think of the +fashion of London being led by a Br-mm-l! [Footnote: This manuscript +must have been written at the time when Mr. Brummel was the leader of +the London fashion.] a nobody's son: a low creature, who can no more +dance a minuet than I can talk Cherokee; who cannot even crack a bottle +like a gentleman; who never showed himself to be a man with his sword in +his hand: as we used to approve ourselves in the good old times, before +that vulgar Corsican upset the gentry of the world! Oh, to see the +Valdez once again, as on that day I met her first driving in state, +with her eight mules and her retinue of gentlemen, by the side of yellow +Mancanares! Oh, for another drive with Hegenheim, in the gilded sledge, +over the Saxon snow! False as Schuvaloff was, 'twas better to be jilted +by her than to be adored by any other woman. I can't think of any one +of them without tenderness. I have ringlets of all their hair in my poor +little museum of recollections. Do you keep mine, you dear souls that +survive the turmoils and troubles of near half a hundred years? How +changed its colour is now, since the day Sczotarska wore it round her +neck, after my duel with Count Bjernaski, at Warsaw. + +I never kept any beggarly books of accounts in those days. I had no +debts. I paid royally for everything I took; and I took everything +I wanted. My income must have been very large. My entertainments and +equipages were those of a gentleman of the highest distinction; nor let +any scoundrel presume to sneer because I carried off and married my Lady +Lyndon (as you shall presently hear), and call me an adventurer, or say +I was penniless, or the match unequal. Penniless! I had the wealth +of Europe at my command. Adventurer! So is a meritorious lawyer or +a gallant soldier; so is every man who makes his own fortune an +adventurer. My profession was play: in which I was then unrivalled. No +man could play with me through Europe, on the square; and my income was +just as certain (during health and the exercise of my profession) as +that of a man who draws on his Three-per-cents., or any fat squire whose +acres bring him revenue. Harvest is not more certain than the effect of +skill is: a crop is a chance, as much as a game of cards greatly played +by a fine player: there may be a drought, or a frost, or a hail-storm, +and your stake is lost; but one man is just as much an adventurer as +another. + +In evoking the recollection of these kind and fair creatures I have +nothing but pleasure. I would I could say as much of the memory of +another lady, who will henceforth play a considerable part in the drama +of my life,--I mean the Countess of Lyndon; whose fatal acquaintance I +made at Spa, very soon after the events described in the last chapter +had caused me to quit Germany. + +Honoria, Countess of Lyndon, Viscountess Bullingdon in England, Baroness +Castle Lyndon of the kingdom of Ireland, was so well known to the great +world in her day, that I have little need to enter into her family +history; which is to be had in any peerage that the reader may lay +his hand on. She was, as I need not say, a countess, viscountess, and +baroness in her own right. Her estates in Devon and Cornwall were +among the most extensive in those parts; her Irish possessions not less +magnificent; and they have been alluded to, in a very early part of +these Memoirs, as lying near to my own paternal property in the kingdom +of Ireland: indeed, unjust confiscations in the time of Elizabeth and +her father went to diminish my acres, while they added to the already +vast possessions of the Lyndon family. + +The Countess, when I first saw her at the assembly at Spa, was the wife +of her cousin, the Right Honourable Sir Charles Reginald Lyndon, Knight +of the Bath, and Minister to George II. and George III. at several of +the smaller Courts of Europe. Sir Charles Lyndon was celebrated as a wit +and bon vivant: he could write love-verses against Hanbury Williams, and +make jokes with George Selwyn; he was a man of vertu like Harry Walpole, +with whom and Mr. Grey he had made a part of the grand tour; and was +cited, in a word, as one of the most elegant and accomplished men of his +time. + +I made this gentleman's acquaintance as usual at the play-table, of +which he was a constant frequenter. Indeed, one could not but admire the +spirit and gallantry with which he pursued his favourite pastime; for, +though worn out by gout and a myriad of diseases, a cripple wheeled +about in a chair, and suffering pangs of agony, yet you would see him +every morning and every evening at his post behind the delightful green +cloth: and if, as it would often happen, his own hands were too feeble +or inflamed to hold the box, he would call the mains, nevertheless, +and have his valet or a friend to throw for him. I like this courageous +spirit in a man; the greatest successes in life have been won by such +indomitable perseverance. + +I was by this time one of the best-known characters in Europe; and the +fame of my exploits, my duels, my courage at play, would bring crowds +around me in any public society where I appeared. I could show reams of +scented paper, to prove that this eagerness to make my acquaintance was +not confined to the gentlemen only; but that I hate boasting, and +only talk of myself in so far as it is necessary to relate myself's +adventures: the most singular of any man's in Europe. Well, Sir Charles +Lyndon's first acquaintance with me originated in the right honourable +knight's winning 700 pieces of me at picquet (for which he was almost my +match); and I lost them with much good-humour, and paid them: and paid +them, you may be sure, punctually. Indeed, I will say this for myself, +that losing money at play never in the least put me out of good-humour +with the winner, and that wherever I found a superior, I was always +ready to acknowledge and hail him. + +Lyndon was very proud of winning from so celebrated a person, and we +contracted a kind of intimacy; which, however, did not for a while go +beyond pump-room attentions, and conversations over the supper-table at +play: but which gradually increased, until I was admitted into his more +private friendship. He was a very free-spoken man (the gentry of those +days were much prouder than at present), and used to say to me in his +haughty easy way, 'Hang it, Mr. Barry, you have no more manners than a +barber, and I think my black footman has been better educated than you; +but you are a young fellow of originality and pluck, and I like you, +sir, because you seem determined to go to the deuce by a way of your +own.' I would thank him laughingly for this compliment, and say, that +as he was bound to the next world much sooner than I was, I would be +obliged to him to get comfortable quarters arranged there for me. He +used also to be immensely amused with my stories about the splendour of +my family and the magnificence of Castle Brady: he would never tire of +listening or laughing at those histories. + +'Stick to the trumps, however, my lad,' he would say, when I told him of +my misfortunes in the conjugal line, and how near I had been winning the +greatest fortune in Germany. 'Do anything but marry, my artless Irish +rustic' (he called me by a multiplicity of queer names). 'Cultivate your +great talents in the gambling line; but mind this, that a woman will +beat you.' + +That I denied; mentioning several instances in which I had conquered the +most intractable tempers among the sex. + +'They will beat you in the long run, my Tipperary Alcibiades. As soon +as you are married, take my word of it, you are conquered. Look at me. I +married my cousin, the noblest and greatest heiress in England--married +her in spite of herself almost' (here a dark shade passed over Sir +Charles Lyndon's countenance). 'She is a weak woman. You shall see her, +sir, HOW weak she is; but she is my mistress. She has embittered my +whole life. She is a fool; but she has got the better of one of the best +heads in Christendom. She is enormously rich; but somehow I have never +been so poor as since I married her. I thought to better myself; and +she has made me miserable and killed me. And she will do as much for my +successor, when I am gone.' + +'Has her Ladyship a very large income?' said I. At which Sir Charles +burst out into a yelling laugh, and made me blush not a little at my +gaucherie; for the fact is, seeing him in the condition in which he was, +I could not help speculating upon the chance a man of spirit might have +with his widow. + +'No, no!' said he, laughing. 'Waugh hawk, Mr. Barry; don't think, if +you value your peace of mind, to stand in my shoes when they are vacant. +Besides, I don't think my Lady Lyndon would QUITE condescend to marry +a'---- + +'Marry a what, sir?' said I, in a rage. + +"Never mind what: but the man who gets her will rue it, take my word +on't. A plague on her! had it not been for my father's ambition and mine +(he was her uncle and guardian, and we wouldn't let such a prize out of +the family), I might have died peaceably, at least; carried my gout down +to my grave in quiet, lived in my modest tenement in Mayfair, had every +house in England open to me; and now, now I have six of my own, and +every one of them is a hell to me. Beware of greatness, Mr. Barry. Take +warning by me. Ever since I have been married and have been rich, I have +been the most miserable wretch in the world. Look at me. I am dying a +worn-out cripple at the age of fifty. Marriage has added forty years to +my life. When I took off Lady Lyndon, there was no man of my years +who looked so young as myself. Fool that I was! I had enough with my +pensions, perfect freedom, the best society in Europe; and I gave up +all these, and married, and was miserable. Take a warning by me, Captain +Barry, and stick to the trumps." + +Though my intimacy with the knight was considerable, for a long time I +never penetrated into any other apartments of his hotel but those which +he himself occupied. His lady lived entirely apart from him; and it +is only curious how they came to travel together at all. She was a +goddaughter of old Mary Wortley Montagu: and, like that famous old woman +of the last century, made considerable pretensions to be a blue-stocking +and a bel esprit. Lady Lyndon wrote poems in English and Italian, which +still may be read by the curious in the pages of the magazines of the +day. She entertained a correspondence with several of the European +savans upon history, science, and ancient languages, and especially +theology. Her pleasure was to dispute controversial points with abbes +and bishops; and her flatterers said she rivalled Madam Dacier in +learning. Every adventurer who had a discovery in chemistry, a new +antique bust, or a plan for discovering the philosopher's stone, was +sure to find a patroness in her. She had numberless works dedicated to +her, and sonnets without end addressed to her by all the poetasters of +Europe, under the name of Lindonira or Calista. Her rooms were crowded +with hideous China magots, and all sorts of objects of VERTU. + +No woman piqued herself more upon her principles, or allowed love to be +made to her more profusely. There was a habit of courtship practised +by the fine gentlemen of those days, which is little understood in our +coarse downright times: and young and old fellows would pour out floods +of compliments in letters and madrigals, such as would make a sober lady +stare were they addressed to her nowadays: so entirely has the gallantry +of the last century disappeared out of our manners. + +Lady Lyndon moved about with a little court of her own. She had +half-a-dozen carriages in her progresses. In her own she would travel +with her companion (some shabby lady of quality), her birds, and +poodles, and the favourite savant for the time being. In another would +be her female secretary and her waiting-women; who, in spite of their +care, never could make their mistress look much better than a slattern. +Sir Charles Lyndon had his own chariot, and the domestics of the +establishment would follow in other vehicles. + +Also must be mentioned the carriage in which rode her Ladyship's +chaplain, Mr. Runt, who acted in capacity of governor to her son, the +little Viscount Bullingdon,--a melancholy deserted little boy, about +whom his father was more than indifferent, and whom his mother never +saw, except for two minutes at her levee, when she would put to him a +few questions of history or Latin grammar; after which he was consigned +to his own amusements, or the care of his governor, for the rest of the +day. + +The notion of such a Minerva as this, whom I saw in the public places +now and then, surrounded by swarms of needy abbes and schoolmasters, +who flattered her, frightened me for some time, and I had not the +least desire to make her acquaintance. I had no desire to be one of the +beggarly adorers in the great lady's train,--fellows, half friend, half +lacquey, who made verses, and wrote letters, and ran errands, content to +be paid by a seat in her Ladyship's box at the comedy, or a cover at her +dinner-table at noon. 'Don't be afraid,' Sir Charles Lyndon would +say, whose great subject of conversation and abuse was his lady: 'my +Lindonira will have nothing to do with you. She likes the Tuscan brogue, +not that of Kerry. She says you smell too much of the stable to be +admitted to ladies' society; and last Sunday fortnight, when she did me +the honour to speak to me last, said, "I wonder, Sir Charles Lyndon, +a gentleman who has been the King's ambassador can demean himself by +gambling and boozing with low Irish blacklegs!" Don't fly in a fury! I'm +a cripple, and it was Lindonira said it, not I.' + +This piqued me, and I resolved to become acquainted with Lady Lyndon; +if it were but to show her Ladyship that the descendant of those Barrys, +whose property she unjustly held, was not an unworthy companion for any +lady, were she ever so high. Besides, my friend the knight was dying: +his widow would be the richest prize in the three kingdoms. Why should I +not win her, and, with her, the means of making in the world that figure +which my genius and inclination desired? I felt I was equal in blood +and breeding to any Lyndon in Christendom, and determined to bend this +haughty lady. When I determine, I look upon the thing as done. + +My uncle and I talked the matter over, and speedily settled upon a +method for making our approaches upon this stately lady of Castle +Lyndon. Mr. Runt, young Lord Bullingdon's governor, was fond of +pleasure, of a glass of Rhenish in the garden-houses in the summer +evenings, and of a sly throw of the dice when the occasion offered; and +I took care to make friends with this person, who, being a college tutor +and an Englishman, was ready to go on his knees to any one who resembled +a man of fashion. Seeing me with my retinue of servants, my vis-a-vis +and chariots, my valets, my hussar, and horses, dressed in gold, and +velvet, and sables, saluting the greatest people in Europe as we met +on the course, or at the Spas, Runt was dazzled by my advances, and +was mine by a beckoning of the finger. I shall never forget the poor +wretch's astonishment when I asked him to dine, with two counts, off +gold plate, at the little room in the casino: he was made happy by +being allowed to win a few pieces of us, became exceedingly tipsy, sang +Cambridge songs, and recreated the company by telling us, in his horrid +Yorkshire French, stories about the gyps, and all the lords that had +ever been in his college. I encouraged him to come and see me oftener, +and bring with him his little viscount; for whom, though the boy always +detested me, I took care to have a good stock of sweetmeats, toys, and +picture-books when he came. + +I then began to enter into a controversy with Mr. Runt, and confided to +him some doubts which I had, and a very very earnest leaning towards the +Church of Rome. I made a certain abbe whom I knew write me letters upon +transubstantiation, &c., which the honest tutor was rather puzzled to +answer. I knew that they would be communicated to his lady, as they +were; for, asking leave to attend the English service which was +celebrated in her apartments, and frequented by the best English then +at the Spa, on the second Sunday she condescended to look at me; on the +third she was pleased to reply to my profound bow by a curtsey; the next +day I followed up the acquaintance by another obeisance in the public +walk; and, to make a long story short, her Ladyship and I were in full +correspondence on transubstantiation before six weeks were over. My Lady +came to the aid of her chaplain; and then I began to see the prodigious +weight of his arguments: as was to be expected. The progress of this +harmless little intrigue need not be detailed. I make no doubt every one +of my readers has practised similar stratagems when a fair lady was in +the case. + +I shall never forget the astonishment of Sir Charles Lyndon when, on +one summer evening, as he was issuing out to the play-table in his +sedan-chair, according to his wont, her Ladyship's barouche and four, +with her outriders in the tawny livery of the Lyndon family, came +driving into the courtyard of the house which they inhabited; and in +that carriage, by her Ladyship's side, sat no other than the 'vulgar +Irish adventurer,' as she was pleased to call him: I mean Redmond Barry, +Esquire. He made the most courtly of his bows, and grinned and waved his +hat in as graceful a manner as the gout permitted; and her Ladyship and +I replied to the salutation with the utmost politeness and elegance on +our parts. + +I could not go to the play-table for some time afterwards for Lady +Lyndon and I had an argument on transubstantiation, which lasted for +three hours; in which she was, as usual, victorious, and, in which her +companion, the Honourable Miss Flint Skinner, fell asleep; but when, at +last, I joined Sir Charles at the casino, he received me with a yell of +laughter, as his wont was, and introduced me to all the company as Lady +Lyndon's interesting young convert. This was his way. He laughed and +sneered at everything. He laughed when he was in a paroxysm of pain; he +laughed when he won money, or when he lost it: his laugh was not jovial +or agreeable, but rather painful and sardonic. + +'Gentlemen,' said he to Punter, Colonel Loder, Count du Carreau, and +several jovial fellows with whom he used to discuss a flask of champagne +and a Rhenish trout or two after play, 'see this amiable youth! He has +been troubled by religious scruples, and has flown for refuge to my +chaplain, Mr. Runt, who has asked for advice from my wife, Lady Lyndon; +and, between them both, they are confirming my ingenious young friend in +his faith. Did you ever hear of such doctors, and such a disciple?' + +''Faith, sir,' said I, 'if I want to learn good principles, it's surely +better I should apply for them to your lady and your chaplain than to +you!' + +'He wants to step into my shoes!' continued the knight. + +'The man would be happy who did so,' responded I, 'provided there were +no chalk-stones included!' At which reply Sir Charles was not very well +pleased, and went on with increased rancour. He was always free-spoken +in his cups; and, to say the truth, he was in his cups many more times +in a week than his doctors allowed. + +'Is it not a pleasure, gentlemen,' said he, 'for me, as I am drawing +near the goal, to find my home such a happy one; my wife so fond of me, +that she is even now thinking of appointing a successor? (I don't mean +you precisely, Mr. Barry; you are only taking your chance with a score +of others whom I could mention.) Isn't it a comfort to see her, like +a prudent housewife, getting everything ready for her husband's +departure?' + +'I hope you are not thinking of leaving us soon, knight?' said I, with +perfect sincerity; for I liked him, as a most amusing companion. 'Not +so soon, my dear, as you may fancy, perhaps,' continued he. 'Why, man, +I have been given over any time these four years; and there was always a +candidate or two waiting to apply for the situation. Who knows how long +I may keep you waiting?' and he DID keep me waiting some little time +longer than at that period there was any reason to suspect. + +As I declared myself pretty openly, according to my usual way, and +authors are accustomed to describe the persons of the ladies with whom +their heroes fall in love; in compliance with this fashion, I perhaps +should say a word or two respecting the charms of my Lady Lyndon. But +though I celebrated them in many copies of verses, of my own and other +persons' writing; and though I filled reams of paper in the passionate +style of those days with compliments to every one of her beauties and +smiles, in which I compared her to every flower, goddess, or famous +heroine ever heard of,--truth compels me to say that there was nothing +divine about her at all. She was very well; but no more. Her shape was +fine, her hair dark, her eyes good, and exceedingly active; she loved +singing, but performed it as so great a lady should, very much out of +tune. She had a smattering of half-a-dozen modern languages, and, as I +have said before, of many more sciences than I even knew the names of. +She piqued herself on knowing Greek and Latin; but the truth is, that +Mr. Runt, used to supply her with the quotations which she introduced +into her voluminous correspondence. She had as much love of admiration, +as strong, uneasy a vanity, and as little heart, as any woman I ever +knew. Otherwise, when her son, Lord Bullingdon, on account of his +differences with me, ran--but that matter shall be told in its proper +time. Finally, my Lady Lyndon was about a year older than myself; +though, of course, she would take her Bible oath that she was three +years younger. + +Few men are so honest as I am; for few will own to their real motives, +and I don't care a button about confessing mine. What Sir Charles Lyndon +said was perfectly true. I made the acquaintance of Lady Lyndon with +ulterior views. 'Sir,' said I to him, when, after the scene described +and the jokes he made upon me, we met alone, 'let those laugh that win. +You were very pleasant upon me a few nights since, and on my intentions +regarding your lady. Well, if they ARE what you think they are,--if I DO +wish to step into your shoes, what then? I have no other intentions than +you had yourself. I'll be sworn to muster just as much regard for my +Lady Lyndon as you ever showed her; and if I win her and wear her when +you are dead and gone, corbleu, knight, do you think it will be the fear +of your ghost will deter me?' + +Lyndon laughed as usual; but somewhat disconcertedly: indeed I had +clearly the best of him in the argument, and had just as much right to +hunt my fortune as he had. + +But one day he said, 'If you marry such a woman as my Lady Lyndon, mark +my words, you will regret it. You will pine after the liberty you once +enjoyed. By George! Captain Barry,' he added, with a sigh, 'the thing +that I regret most in life--perhaps it is because I am old, blase, and +dying--is, that I never had a virtuous attachment.' + +'Ha! ha! a milkmaid's daughter!' said I, laughing at the absurdity. + +'Well, why not a milkmaid's daughter? My good fellow, I WAS in love +in youth, as most gentlemen are, with my tutor's daughter, Helena, a +bouncing girl; of course older than myself' (this made me remember my +own little love-passages with Nora Brady in the days of my early life), +'and do you know, sir, I heartily regret I didn't marry her? There's +nothing like having a virtuous drudge at home, sir; depend upon that. It +gives a zest to one's enjoyments in the world, take my word for it. No +man of sense need restrict himself, or deny himself a single amusement +for his wife's sake: on the contrary, if he select the animal properly, +he will choose such a one as shall be no bar to his pleasure, but a +comfort in his hours of annoyance. For instance, I have got the gout: +who tends me? A hired valet, who robs me whenever he has the power. My +wife never comes near me. What friend have I? None in the wide world. +Men of the world, as you and I are, don't make friends; and we are +fools for our pains. Get a friend, sir, and that friend a woman--a +good household drudge, who loves you. THAT is the most precious sort of +friendship; for the expense of it is all on the woman's side. The man +needn't contribute anything. If he's a rogue, she'll vow he's an angel; +if he's a brute, she will like him all the better for his ill-treatment +of her. They like it, sir, these women. They are born to be our greatest +comforts and conveniences; our--our moral bootjacks, as it were; and to +men in your way of life, believe me such a person would be invaluable. +I am only speaking for your bodily and mental comfort's sake, mind. Why +didn't I marry poor Helena Flower, the curate's daughter?' + +I thought these speeches the remarks of a weakly disappointed man; +although since, perhaps, I have had reason to find the truth of Sir +Charles Lyndon's statements. The fact is, in my opinion, that we often +buy money very much too dear. To purchase a few thousands a year at the +expense of an odious wife, is very bad economy for a young fellow of any +talent and spirit; and there have been moments of my life when, in the +midst of my greatest splendour and opulence, with half-a-dozen lords at +my levee, with the finest horses in my stables, the grandest house over +my head, with unlimited credit at my banker's, and--Lady Lyndon to boot, +I have wished myself back a private of Bulow's, or anything, so as to +get rid of her. To return, however, to the story. Sir Charles, with his +complication of ills, was dying before us by inches! and I've no doubt +it could not have been very pleasant to him to see a young handsome +fellow paying court to his widow before his own face as it were. After +I once got into the house on the transubstantiation dispute, I found a +dozen more occasions to improve my intimacy, and was scarcely ever out +of her Ladyship's doors. The world talked and blustered; but what cared +I? The men cried fie upon the shameless Irish adventurer; but I have +told my way of silencing such envious people: and my sword had by this +time got such a reputation through Europe, that few people cared to +encounter it. If I can once get my hold of a place, I keep it. Many's +the house I have been to where I have seen the men avoid me. 'Faugh! the +low Irishman,' they would say. 'Bah! the coarse adventurer!' 'Out on the +insufferable blackleg and puppy!' and so forth. This hatred has been +of no inconsiderable service to me in the world; for when I fasten on a +man, nothing can induce me to release my hold: and I am left to myself, +which is all the better. As I told Lady Lyndon in those days, with +perfect sincerity, 'Calista' (I used to call her Calista in my +correspondence)--' Calista, I swear to thee, by the spotlessness of thy +own soul, by the brilliancy of thy immitigable eyes, by everything pure +and chaste in heaven and in thy own heart, that I will never cease +from following thee! Scorn I can bear, and have borne at thy hands. +Indifference I can surmount; 'tis a rock which my energy will climb +over, a magnet which attracts the dauntless iron of my soul!' And it was +true, I wouldn't have left her--no, though they had kicked me downstairs +every day I presented myself at her door. + +That is my way of fascinating women. Let the man who has to make his +fortune in life remember this maxim. ATTACKING is his only secret. Dare, +and the world always yields: or, if it beat you sometimes, dare again, +and it will succumb. In those days my spirit was so great, that if I +had set my heart upon marrying a princess of the blood, I would have had +her! + +I told Calista my story, and altered very very little of the truth. +My object was to frighten her: to show her that what I wanted, that I +dared; that what I dared, that I won; and there were striking passages +enough in my history to convince her of my iron will and indomitable +courage. 'Never hope to escape me, madam,' I would say: 'offer to +marry another man, and he dies upon this sword, which never yet met its +master. Fly from me, and I will follow you, though it were to the gates +of Hades.' I promise you this was very different language to that she +had been in the habit of hearing from her Jemmy-Jessamy adorers. You +should have seen how I scared the fellows from her. + +When I said in this energetic way that I would follow Lady Lyndon across +the Styx if necessary, of course I meant that I would do so, provided +nothing more suitable presented itself in the interim. If Lyndon would +not die, where was the use of my pursuing the Countess? And somehow, +towards the end of the Spa season, very much to my mortification I do +confess, the knight made another rally: it seemed as if nothing would +kill him. 'I am sorry for you, Captain Barry,' he would say, laughing as +usual. 'I'm grieved to keep you, or any gentleman, waiting. Had you not +better arrange with my doctor, or get the cook to flavour my omelette +with arsenic? What are the odds, gentlemen,' he would add, 'that I don't +live to see Captain Barry hanged yet?' + +In fact, the doctors tinkered him up for a year. 'It's my usual luck,' +I could not help saying to my uncle, who was my confidential and most +excellent adviser in all matters of the heart. 'I've been wasting the +treasures of my affections upon that flirt of a countess, and here's +her husband restored to health and likely to live I don't know how many +years!' And, as if to add to my mortification, there came just at this +period to Spa an English tallow-chandler's heiress, with a plum to +her fortune; and Madame Cornu, the widow of a Norman cattle-dealer and +farmer-general, with a dropsy and two hundred thousand livres a year. + +'What's the use of my following the Lyndons to England,' says I, 'if the +knight won't die?' + +'Don't follow them, my dear simple child,' replied my uncle. 'Stop here +and pay court to the new arrivals.' + +'Yes, and lose Calista for ever, and the greatest estate in all +England.' + +'Pooh, pooh! youths like you easily fire and easily despond. Keep up a +correspondence with Lady Lyndon. You know there's nothing she likes +so much. There's the Irish abbe, who will write you the most charming +letters for a crown apiece. Let her go; write to her, and meanwhile look +out for anything else which may turn up. Who knows? you might marry the +Norman widow, bury her, take her money, and be ready for the Countess +against the knight's death.' + +And so, with vows of the most profound respectful attachment, and having +given twenty louis to Lady Lyndon's waiting-woman for a lock of her +hair (of which fact, of course, the woman informed her mistress), I took +leave of the Countess, when it became necessary for her return to her +estates in England; swearing I would follow her as soon as an affair of +honour I had on my hands could be brought to an end. + +I shall pass over the events of the year that ensued before I again +saw her. She wrote to me according to promise; with much regularity at +first, with somewhat less frequency afterwards. My affairs, meanwhile, +at the play-table went on not unprosperously, and I was just on the +point of marrying the widow Cornu (we were at Brussels by this time, and +the poor soul was madly in love with me,) when the London Gazette was +put into my hands, and I read the following announcement:-- + +'Died at Castle-Lyndon, in the kingdom of Ireland, the Right Honourable +Sir Charles Lyndon, Knight of the Bath, member of Parliament for Lyndon +in Devonshire, and many years His Majesty's representative at various +European Courts. He hath left behind him a name which is endeared to all +his friends for his manifold virtues and talents, a reputation justly +acquired in the service of His Majesty, and an inconsolable widow to +deplore his loss. Her Ladyship, the bereaved Countess of Lyndon, was +at the Bath when the horrid intelligence reached her of her husband's +demise, and hastened to Ireland immediately in order to pay her last sad +duties to his beloved remains.' + +That very night I ordered my chariot and posted to Ostend, whence I +freighted a vessel to Dover, and travelling rapidly into the West, +reached Bristol; from which port I embarked for Waterford, and found +myself, after an absence of eleven years, in my native country. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. I RETURN TO IRELAND, AND EXHIBIT MY SPLENDOUR AND +GENEROSITY IN THAT KINGDOM + +How were times changed with me now! I had left my country a poor +penniless boy--a private soldier in a miserable marching regiment. +I returned an accomplished man, with property to the amount of five +thousand guineas in my possession, with a splendid wardrobe and +jewel-case worth two thousand more; having mingled in all the scenes of +life a not undistinguished actor in them; having shared in war and in +love; having by my own genius and energy won my way from poverty and +obscurity to competence and splendour. As I looked out from my chariot +windows as it rolled along over the bleak bare roads, by the miserable +cabins of the peasantry, who came out in their rags to stare as the +splendid equipage passed, and huzza'd for his Lordship's honour as +they saw the magnificent stranger in the superb gilded vehicle, my +huge body-servant Fritz lolling behind with curling moustaches and +long queue, his green livery barred with silver lace, I could not help +thinking of myself with considerable complacency, and thanking my stars +that had endowed me with so many good qualities. But for my own merits +I should have been a raw Irish squireen such as those I saw swaggering +about the wretched towns through which my chariot passed on its road to +Dublin. I might have married Nora Brady (and though, thank Heaven, I +did not, I have never thought of that girl but with kindness, and even +remember the bitterness of losing her more clearly at this moment than +any other incident of my life); I might have been the father of ten +children by this time, or a farmer on my own account, or an agent to +a squire, or a gauger, or an attorney; and here I was one of the most +famous gentlemen of Europe! I bade my fellow get a bag of copper money +and throw it among the crowd as we changed horses; and I warrant me +there was as much shouting set up in praise of my honour as if my Lord +Townshend, the Lord Lieutenant himself, had been passing. + +My second day's journey--for the Irish roads were rough in those days, +and the progress of a gentleman's chariot terribly slow--brought me to +Carlow, where I put up at the very inn which I had used eleven years +back, when flying from home after the supposed murder of Quin in the +duel. How well I remember every moment of the scene! The old landlord +was gone who had served me; the inn that I then thought so comfortable +looked wretched and dismantled; but the claret was as good as in the old +days, and I had the host to partake of a jug of it and hear the news of +the country. + +He was as communicative as hosts usually are: the crops and the markets, +the price of beasts at last Castle Dermot fair, the last story about the +vicar, and the last joke of Father Hogan the priest; how the Whiteboys +had burned Squire Scanlan's ricks, and the highwaymen had been beaten +off in their attack upon Sir Thomas's house; who was to hunt the +Kilkenny hounds next season, and the wonderful run entirely they had +last March; what troops were in the town, and how Miss Biddy Toole +had run off with Ensign Mullins: all the news of sport, assize, and +quarter-sessions were detailed by this worthy chronicler of small-beer, +who wondered that my honour hadn't heard of them in England, or in +foreign parts, where he seemed to think the world was as interested +as he was about the doings of Kilkenny and Carlow. I listened to these +tales with, I own, a considerable pleasure; for every now and then a +name would come up in the conversation which I remembered in old days, +and bring with it a hundred associations connected with them. + +I had received many letters from my mother, which informed me of the +doings of the Brady's Town family. My uncle was dead, and Mick, his +eldest son, had followed him too to the grave. The Brady girls had +separated from their paternal roof as soon as their elder brother came +to rule over it. Some were married, some gone to settle with their +odious old mother in out-of-the-way watering-places. Ulick, though he +had succeeded to the estate, had come in for a bankrupt property, and +Castle Brady was now inhabited only by the bats and owls, and the old +gamekeeper. My mother, Mrs. Harry Barry, had gone to live at Bray, to +sit under Mr. Jowls, her favourite preacher, who had a chapel there; +and, finally, the landlord told me, that Mrs. Barry's son had gone to +foreign parts, enlisted in the Prussian service, and had been shot there +as a deserter. + +I don't care to own that I hired a stout nag from the landlord's stable +after dinner, and rode back at nightfall twenty miles to my old home. +My heart beat to see it. Barryville had got a pestle and mortar over the +door, and was called 'The Esculapian Repository,' by Doctor Macshane; +a red-headed lad was spreading a plaster in the old parlour; the little +window of my room, once so neat and bright, was cracked in many places, +and stuffed with rags here and there; the flowers had disappeared +from the trim garden-beds which my good orderly mother tended. In the +churchyard there were two more names put into the stone over the family +vault of the Bradys: they were those of my cousin, for whom my regard +was small, and my uncle, whom I had always loved. I asked my old +companion the blacksmith, who had beaten me so often in old days, to +give my horse a feed and a litter: he was a worn weary-looking man now, +with a dozen dirty ragged children paddling about his smithy, and had no +recollection of the fine gentleman who stood before him. I did not +seek to recall my-self to his memory till the next day, when I put ten +guineas into his hand, and bade him drink the health of English Redmond. + +As for Castle Brady, the gates of the park were still there; but the old +trees were cut down in the avenue, a black stump jutting out here and +there, and casting long shadows as I passed in the moonlight over +the worn grass-grown old road. A few cows were at pasture there. The +garden-gate was gone, and the place a tangled wilderness. I sat down on +the old bench, where I had sat on the day when Nora jilted me; and I do +believe my feelings were as strong then as they had been when I was a +boy, eleven years before; and I caught myself almost crying again, to +think that Nora Brady had deserted me. I believe a man forgets nothing. +I've seen a flower, or heard some trivial word or two, which have +awakened recollections that somehow had lain dormant for scores of +years; and when I entered the house in Clarges Street, where I was born +(it was used as a gambling-house when I first visited London), all of a +sudden the memory of my childhood came back to me--of my actual infancy: +I recollected my father in green and gold, holding me up to look at a +gilt coach which stood at the door, and my mother in a flowered sack, +with patches on her face. Some day, I wonder, will everything we have +seen and thought and done come and flash across our minds in this way? +I had rather not. I felt so as I sat upon the bench at Castle Brady, and +thought of the bygone times. + +The hall-door was open--it was always so at that house; the moon was +flaring in at the long old windows, and throwing ghastly chequers upon +the floors; and the stars were looking in on the other side, in the blue +of the yawning window over the great stair: from it you could see the +old stable-clock, with the letters glistening on it still. There had +been jolly horses in those stables once; and I could see my uncle's +honest face, and hear him talking to his dogs as they came jumping and +whining and barking round about him of a gay winter morning. We used to +mount there; and the girls looked out at us from the hall-window, where +I stood and looked at the sad, mouldy, lonely old place. There was a +red light shining through the crevices of a door at one corner of the +building, and a dog presently came out baying loudly, and a limping man +followed with a fowling-piece. + +'Who's there?' said the old man. + +'PHIL PURCELL, don't you know me?' shouted I; 'it's Redmond Barry.' + +I thought the old man would have fired his piece at me at first, for he +pointed it at the window; but I called to him to hold his hand, and came +down and embraced him.... Psha! I don't care to tell the rest: Phil and +I had a long night, and talked over a thousand foolish old things that +have no interest for any soul alive now: for what soul is there alive +that cares for Barry Lyndon? + +I settled a hundred guineas on the old man when I got to Dublin, and +made him an annuity which enabled him to pass his old days in comfort. + +Poor Phil Purcell was amusing himself at a game of exceedingly dirty +cards with an old acquaintance of mine; no other than Tim, who was +called my 'valet' in the days of yore, and whom the reader may remember +as clad in my father's old liveries. They used to hang about him in +those times, and lap over his wrists and down to his heels; but Tim, +though he protested he had nigh killed himself with grief when I went +away, had managed to grow enormously fat in my absence, and would have +fitted almost into Daniel Lambert's coat, or that of the vicar of Castle +Brady, whom he served in the capacity of clerk. I would have engaged +the fellow in my service but for his monstrous size, which rendered him +quite unfit to be the attendant of any gentleman of condition; and so I +presented him with a handsome gratuity, and promised to stand godfather +to his next child: the eleventh since my absence. There is no country in +the world where the work of multiplying is carried on so prosperously +as in my native island. Mr. Tim had married the girls' waiting-maid, +who had been a kind friend of mine in the early times; and I had to go +salute poor Molly next day, and found her a slatternly wench in a mud +hut, surrounded by a brood of children almost as ragged as those of my +friend the blacksmith. + +From Tim and Phil Purcell, thus met fortuitously together, I got the +very last news respecting my family. My mother was well. + +''Faith sir,' says Tim, 'and you're come in time, mayhap, for preventing +an addition to your family.' + +'Sir!' exclaimed I, in a fit of indignation. + +'In the shape of father-in-law, I mane, sir,' says Tim: 'the misthress +is going to take on with Mister Jowls the praacher.' + +Poor Nora, he added, had made many additions to the illustrious race of +Quin; and my cousin Ulick was in Dublin, coming to little good, both my +informants feared, and having managed to run through the small available +remains of property which my good old uncle had left behind him. + +I saw I should have no small family to provide for; and then, to +conclude the evening, Phil, Tim, and I, had a bottle of usquebaugh, the +taste of which I had remembered for eleven good years, and did not part +except with the warmest terms of fellowship, and until the sun had been +some time in the sky. I am exceedingly affable; that has always been +one of my characteristics. I have no false pride, as many men of high +lineage like my own have, and, in default of better company, will hob +and nob with a ploughboy or a private soldier just as readily as with +the first noble in the land. + +I went back to the village in the morning, and found a pretext for +visiting Barryville under a device of purchasing drugs. The hooks were +still in the wall where my silver-hiked sword used to hang; a blister +was lying on the window-sill, where my mother's 'Whole Duty of Man' had +its place; and the odious Doctor Macshane had found out who I was (my +countrymen find out everything, and a great deal more besides), and +sniggering, asked me how I left the King of Prussia, and whether my +friend the Emperor Joseph was as much liked as the Empress Maria Theresa +had been. The bell-ringers would have had a ring of bells for me, but +there was but one, Tim, who was too fat to pull; and I rode off before +the vicar, Doctor Bolter (who had succeeded old Mr. Texter, who had +the living in my time), had time to come out to compliment me; but the +rapscallions of the beggarly village had assembled in a dirty army to +welcome me, and cheered 'Hurrah for Masther Redmond!' as I rode away. + +My people were not a little anxious regarding me, by the time I returned +to Carlow, and the landlord was very much afraid, he said, that the +highwaymen had gotten hold of me. There, too, my name and station had +been learned from my servant Fritz: who had not spared his praises of +his master, and had invented some magnificent histories concerning me. +He said it was the truth that I was intimate with half the sovereigns of +Europe, and the prime favourite with most of them. Indeed I had made +my uncle's order of the Spur hereditary, and travelled under +the name of the Chevalier Barry, chamberlain to the Duke of +Hohenzollern-Sigmaringen. + +They gave me the best horses the stable possessed to carry me on my road +to Dublin, and the strongest ropes for harness; and we got on pretty +well, and there was no rencontre between the highwaymen and the pistols +with which Fritz and I were provided. We lay that night at Kilcullen, +and the next day I made my entry into the city of Dublin, with four +horses to my carriage, five thousand guineas in my purse, and one of the +most brilliant reputations in Europe, having quitted the city a beggarly +boy, eleven years before. + +The citizens of Dublin have as great and laudable a desire for knowing +their neighbours' concerns as the country people have; and it is +impossible for a gentleman, however modest his desires may be (and such +mine have notoriously been through life), to enter the capital without +having his name printed in every newspaper and mentioned in a number of +societies. My name and titles were all over the town the day after my +arrival. A great number of polite persons did me the honour to call at +my lodgings, when I selected them; and this was a point very necessarily +of immediate care, for the hotels in the town were but vulgar holes, +unfit for a nobleman of my fashion and elegance. I had been informed +of the fact by travellers on the Continent; and determining to fix on +a lodging at once, I bade the drivers go slowly up and down the streets +with my chariot, until I had selected a place suitable to my rank. This +proceeding, and the uncouth questions and behaviour of my German Fritz, +who was instructed to make inquiries at the different houses until +convenient apartments could be lighted upon, brought an immense mob +round my coach; and by the time the rooms were chosen you might have +supposed I was the new General of the Forces, so great was the multitude +following us. + +I fixed at length upon a handsome suite of apartments in Capel Street, +paid the ragged postilions who had driven me a splendid gratuity, and +establishing myself in the rooms with my baggage and Fritz, desired the +landlord to engage me a second fellow to wear my liveries, a couple +of stout reputable chairmen and their machine, and a coachman who +had handsome job-horses to hire for my chariot, and serviceable +riding-horses to sell. I gave him a handsome sum in advance; and I +promise you the effect of my advertisement was such, that next day I had +a regular levee in my antechamber: grooms, valets, and maitres-d'hotel +offered themselves without number; I had proposals for the purchase of +horses sufficient to mount a regiment, both from dealers and gentlemen +of the first fashion. Sir Lawler Gawler came to propose to me the most +elegant bay-mare ever stepped; my Lord Dundoodle had a team of four that +wouldn't disgrace my friend the Emperor; and the Marquess of Ballyragget +sent his gentleman and his compliments, stating that if I would step +up to his stables, or do him the honour of breakfasting with him +previously, he would show me the two finest greys in Europe. I +determined to accept the invitations of Dundoodle and Ballyragget, +but to purchase my horses from the dealers. It is always the best way. +Besides, in those days, in Ireland, if a gentleman warranted his horse, +and it was not sound, or a dispute arose, the remedy you had was the +offer of a bullet in your waistcoat. I had played at the bullet game too +much in earnest to make use of it heedlessly: and I may say, proudly for +myself, that I never engaged in a duel unless I had a real, available, +and prudent reason for it. + +There was a simplicity about this Irish gentry which amused and made me +wonder. If they tell more fibs than their downright neighbours across +the water, on the other hand they believe more; and I made myself in a +single week such a reputation in Dublin as would take a man ten years +and a mint of money to acquire in London. I had won five hundred +thousand pounds at play; I was the favourite of the Empress Catherine of +Russia; the confidential agent of Frederick of Prussia; it was I won the +battle of Hochkirchen; I was the cousin of Madame Du Barry, the French +King's favourite, and a thousand things beside. Indeed, to tell the +truth, I hinted a number of these stories to my kind friends Ballyragget +and Gawler; and they were not slow to improve the hints I gave them. + +After having witnessed the splendours of civilised life abroad, the +sight of Dublin in the year 1771, when I returned thither, struck me +with anything but respect. It was as savage as Warsaw almost, without +the regal grandeur of the latter city. The people looked more ragged +than any race I have ever seen, except the gipsy hordes along the banks +of the Danube. There was, as I have said, not an inn in the town fit for +a gentleman of condition to dwell in. Those luckless fellows who could +not keep a carriage, and walked the streets at night, ran imminent risks +of the knives of the women and ruffians who lay in wait there,--of a set +of ragged savage villains, who neither knew the use of shoe nor razor; +and as a gentleman entered his chair or his chariot, to be carried to +his evening rout, or the play, the flambeaux of the footmen would light +up such a set of wild gibbering Milesian faces as would frighten a +genteel person of average nerves. I was luckily endowed with strong +ones; besides, had seen my amiable countrymen before. + +I know this description of them will excite anger among some Irish +patriots, who don't like to have the nakedness of our land abused, and +are angry if the whole truth be told concerning it. But bah! it was a +poor provincial place, Dublin, in the old days of which I speak; and +many a tenth-rate German residency is more genteel. There were, it is +true, near three hundred resident Peers at the period; and a House of +Commons; and my Lord Mayor and his corporation; and a roystering noisy +University, whereof the students made no small disturbances nightly, +patronised the roundhouse, ducked obnoxious printers and tradesmen, and +gave the law at the Crow Street Theatre. But I had seen too much of the +first society of Europe to be much tempted by the society of these noisy +gentry, and was a little too much of a gentleman to mingle with the +disputes and politics of my Lord Mayor and his Aldermen. In the House of +Commons there were some dozen of right pleasant fellows. I never heard +in the English Parliament better speeches than from Flood, and Daly, of +Galway. Dick Sheridan, though not a well-bred person, was as amusing and +ingenious a table-companion as ever I met; and though during Mr. Edmund +Burke's interminable speeches in the English House I used always to go +to sleep, I yet have heard from well-informed parties that Mr. Burke was +a person of considerable abilities, and even reputed to be eloquent in +his more favourable moments. + +I soon began to enjoy to the full extent the pleasures that the wretched +place affords, and which were within a gentleman's reach: Ranelagh and +the Ridotto; Mr. Mossop, at Crow Street; my Lord Lieutenant's parties, +where there was a great deal too much boozing, and too little play, to +suit a person of my elegant and refined habits. 'Daly's Coffee-house,' +and the houses of the nobility, were soon open to me; and I remarked +with astonishment in the higher circles, what I had experienced in the +lower on my first unhappy visit to Dublin, an extraordinary want of +money, and a preposterous deal of promissory notes flying about, for +which I was quite unwilling to stake my guineas. The ladies, too, were +mad for play; but exceeding unwilling to pay when they lost. Thus, when +the old Countess of Trumpington lost ten pieces to me at quadrille, she +gave me, instead of the money, her Ladyship's note of hand on her +agent in Galway; which I put, with a great deal of politeness, into the +candle. But when the Countess made me a second proposition to play, I +said that as soon as her Ladyship's remittances were arrived, I would +be the readiest person to meet her; but till then was her very humble +servant. And I maintained this resolution and singular character +throughout the Dublin society: giving out at 'Daly's' that I was ready +to play any man, for any sum, at any game; or to fence with him, or to +ride with him (regard being had to our weight), or to shoot flying, or +at a mark; and in this latter accomplishment, especially if the mark be +a live one, Irish gentlemen of that day had no ordinary skill. + +Of course I despatched a courier in my liveries to Castle Lyndon with +a private letter for Runt, demanding from him full particulars of +the Countess of Lyndon's state of health and mind; and a touching and +eloquent letter to her Ladyship, in which I bade her remember ancient +days, which I tied up with a single hair from the lock which I had +purchased from her woman, and in which I told her that Sylvander +remembered his oath, and could never forget his Calista. The answer I +received from her was exceedingly unsatisfactory and inexplicit; that +from Mr. Runt explicit enough, but not at all pleasant in its contents. +My Lord George Poynings, the Marquess of Tiptoff's younger son, was +paying very marked addresses to the widow; being a kinsman of the +family, and having been called to Ireland relative to the will of the +deceased Sir Charles Lyndon. + +Now, there was a sort of rough-and-ready law in Ireland in those days, +which was of great convenience to persons desirous of expeditious +justice; and of which the newspapers of the time contain a hundred +proofs. Fellows with the nicknames of Captain Fireball, Lieutenant +Buffcoat, and Ensign Steele, were repeatedly sending warning letters +to landlords, and murdering them if the notes were unattended to. The +celebrated Captain Thunder ruled in the southern counties, and his +business seemed to be to procure wives for gentlemen who had not +sufficient means to please the parents of the young ladies; or, perhaps, +had not time for a long and intricate courtship. + +I had found my cousin Ulick at Dublin, grown very fat, and very poor; +hunted up by Jews and creditors: dwelling in all sorts of queer corners, +from which he issued at nightfall to the Castle, or to his card-party at +his tavern; but he was always the courageous fellow: and I hinted to him +the state of my affections regarding Lady Lyndon. + +'The Countess of Lyndon!' said poor Ulick; 'well, that IS a wonder. I +myself have been mightily sweet upon a young lady, one of the Kiljoys of +Ballyhack, who has ten thousand pounds to her fortune, and to whom her +Ladyship is guardian; but how is a poor fellow without a coat to his +back to get on with an heiress in such company as that? I might as well +propose for the Countess myself.' + +'You had better not,' said I, laughing; 'the man who tries runs a +chance of going out of the world first.' And I explained to him my own +intention regarding Lady Lyndon. Honest Ulick, whose respect for me was +prodigious when he saw how splendid my appearance was, and heard how +wonderful my adventures and great my experience of fashionable life had +been, was lost in admiration of my daring and energy, when I confided to +him my intention of marrying the greatest heiress in England. + +I bade Ulick go out of town on any pretext he chose, and put a letter +into a post-office near Castle Lyndon, which I prepared in a feigned +hand, and in which I gave a solemn warning to Lord George Poynings to +quit the country; saying that the great prize was never meant for the +likes of him, and that there were heiresses enough in England, without +coming to rob them out of the domains of Captain Fireball. The letter +was written on a dirty piece of paper, in the worst of spelling: it came +to my Lord by the post-conveyance, and, being a high-spirited young man, +he of course laughed at it. + +As ill-luck would have it for him, he appeared in Dublin a very short +time afterwards; was introduced to the Chevalier Redmond Barry, at the +Lord Lieutenant's table; adjourned with him and several other gentlemen +to the club at 'Daly's,' and there, in a dispute about the pedigree of +a horse, in which everybody said I was in the right, words arose, and +a meeting was the consequence. I had had no affair in Dublin since +my arrival, and people were anxious to see whether I was equal to my +reputation. I make no boast about these matters, but always do them when +the time comes; and poor Lord George, who had a neat hand and a quick +eye enough, but was bred in the clumsy English school, only stood before +my point until I had determined where I should hit him. + +My sword went in under his guard, and came out at his back. When he +fell, he good-naturedly extended his hand to me, and said, 'Mr. Barry, I +was wrong!' I felt not very well at ease when the poor fellow made this +confession: for the dispute had been of my making, and, to tell the +truth, I had never intended it should end in any other way than a +meeting. + +He lay on his bed for four months with the effects of that wound; +and the same post which conveyed to Lady Lyndon the news of the duel, +carried her a message from Captain Fireball to say, 'This is NUMBER +ONE!' + +'You, Ulick,' said I, 'shall be NUMBER TWO.' + +''Faith,' said my cousin, 'one's enough:' But I had my plan regarding +him, and determined at once to benefit this honest fellow, and to +forward my own designs upon the widow. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. I PAY COURT TO MY LADY LYNDON + +As my uncle's attainder was not reversed for being out with the +Pretender in 1745, it would have been inconvenient for him to accompany +his nephew to the land of our ancestors; where, if not hanging, at least +a tedious process of imprisonment, and a doubtful pardon, would have +awaited the good old gentleman. In any important crisis of my life, his +advice was always of advantage to me, and I did not fail to seek it at +this juncture, and to implore his counsel as regarded my pursuit of the +widow. I told him the situation of her heart, as I have described it in +the last chapter; of the progress that young Poynings had made in her +affections, and of her forgetfulness of her old admirer; and I got a +letter, in reply, full of excellent suggestions, by which I did not fail +to profit. The kind Chevalier prefaced it by saying, that he was for +the present boarding in the Minorite convent at Brussels; that he had +thoughts of making his salut there, and retiring for ever from the +world, devoting himself to the severest practices of religion. Meanwhile +he wrote with regard to the lovely widow: it was natural that a person +of her vast wealth and not disagreeable person should have many adorers +about her; and that, as in her husband's lifetime she had shown herself +not at all disinclined to receive my addresses, I must make no manner +of doubt I was not the first person whom she had so favoured; nor was I +likely to be the last. + +'I would, my dear child,' he added, 'that the ugly attainder round my +neck, and the resolution I have formed of retiring from a world of sin +and vanity altogether, did not prevent me from coming personally to your +aid in this delicate crisis of your affairs; for, to lead them to a +good end, it requires not only the indomitable courage, swagger, and +audacity, which you possess beyond any young man I have ever known' (as +for the 'swagger,' as the Chevalier calls it, I deny it in toto, being +always most modest in my demeanour); 'but though you have the vigour to +execute, you have not the ingenuity to suggest plans of conduct for the +following out of a scheme that is likely to be long and difficult of +execution. Would you have ever thought of the brilliant scheme of the +Countess Ida, which so nearly made you the greatest fortune in Europe, +but for the advice and experience of a poor old man, now making up his +accounts with the world, and about to retire from it for good and all? + +'Well, with regard to the Countess of Lyndon, your manner of winning her +is quite en l'air at present to me; nor can I advise day by day, as +I would I could, according to circumstances as they arise. But your +general scheme should be this. If I remember the letters you used to +have from her during the period of the correspondence which the silly +woman entertained you with, much high-flown sentiment passed between +you; and especially was written by her Ladyship herself: she is a +blue-stocking, and fond of writing; she used to make her griefs with her +husband the continual theme of her correspondence (as women will do). I +recollect several passages in her letters bitterly deploring her fate in +being united to one so unworthy of her. + +'Surely, in the mass of billets you possess from her, there must be +enough to compromise her. Look them well over; select passages, and +threaten to do so. Write to her at first in the undoubting tone of a +lover who has every claim upon her. Then, if she is silent, remonstrate, +alluding to former promises from her; producing proofs of her former +regard for you; vowing despair, destruction, revenge, if she prove +unfaithful. Frighten her--astonish her by some daring feat, which will +let her see your indomitable resolution: you are the man to do it. Your +sword has a reputation in Europe, and you have a character for boldness; +which was the first thing that caused my Lady Lyndon to turn her eyes +upon you. Make the people talk about you at Dublin. Be as splendid, and +as brave, and as odd as possible. How I wish I were near you! You have +no imagination to invent such a character as I would make for you--but +why speak; have I not had enough of the world and its vanities?' + +There was much practical good sense in this advice; which I quote, +unaccompanied with the lengthened description of his mortifications and +devotions which my uncle indulged in, finishing his letter, as usual, +with earnest prayers for my conversion to the true faith. But he +was constant to his form of worship; and I, as a man of honour and +principle, was resolute to mine; and have no doubt that the one, in this +respect, will be as acceptable as the other. + +Under these directions it was, then, I wrote to Lady Lyndon, to ask on +my arrival when the most respectful of her admirers might be permitted +to intrude upon her grief? Then, as her Ladyship was silent, I demanded, +Had she forgotten old times, and one whom she had favoured with her +intimacy at a very happy period? Had Calista forgotten Eugenio? At the +same time I sent down by my servant with this letter a present of a +little sword for Lord Bullingdon, and a private note to his governor; +whose note of hand, by the way, I possessed for a sum--I forget +what--but such as the poor fellow would have been very unwilling to pay. +To this an answer came from her Ladyship's amanuensis, stating that Lady +Lyndon was too much disturbed by grief at her recent dreadful calamity +to see any one but her own relations; and advices from my friend, the +boy's governor, stating that my Lord George Poynings was the young +kinsman who was about to console her. + +This caused the quarrel between me and the young nobleman; whom I took +care to challenge on his first arrival at Dublin. + +When the news of the duel was brought to the widow at Castle Lyndon, my +informant wrote me that Lady Lyndon shrieked and flung down the journal, +and said, 'The horrible monster! He would not shrink from murder, I +believe;' and little Lord Bullingdon, drawing his sword--the sword I had +given him, the rascal!--declared he would kill with it the man who had +hurt Cousin George. On Mr. Runt telling him that I was the donor of the +weapon, the little rogue still vowed that he would kill me all the same! +Indeed, in spite of my kindness to him, that boy always seemed to detest +me. + +Her Ladyship sent up daily couriers to inquire after the health of Lord +George; and, thinking to myself that she would probably be induced to +come to Dublin if she were to hear that he was in danger, I managed to +have her informed that he was in a precarious state; that he grew worse; +that Redmond Barry had fled in consequence: of this flight I caused the +Mercury newspaper to give notice also, but indeed it did not carry me +beyond the town of Bray, where my poor mother dwelt; and where, under +the difficulties of a duel, I might be sure of having a welcome. + +Those readers who have the sentiment of filial duty strong in their +mind, will wonder that I have not yet described my interview with that +kind mother whose sacrifices for me in youth had been so considerable, +and for whom a man of my warm and affectionate nature could not but feel +the most enduring and sincere regard. + +But a man, moving in the exalted sphere of society in which I now +stood, has his public duties to perform before he consults his private +affections; and so, upon my first arrival, I despatched a messenger +to Mrs. Barry, stating my arrival, conveying to her my sentiments of +respect and duty, and promising to pay them to her personally so soon as +my business in Dublin would leave me free. + +This, I need not say, was very considerable. I had my horses to buy, my +establishment to arrange, my entree into the genteel world to make; and, +having announced my intention to purchase horses and live in a genteel +style, was in a couple of days so pestered by visits of the nobility and +gentry, and so hampered by invitations to dinners and suppers, that +it became exceedingly difficult for me during some days to manage my +anxiously desired visit to Mrs. Barry. + +It appears that the good soul provided an entertainment as soon as she +heard of my arrival, and invited all her humble acquaintances of Bray to +be present: but I was engaged subsequently to my Lord Ballyragget on the +day appointed, and was, of course, obliged to break the promise that I +had made to Mrs. Barry to attend her humble festival. + +I endeavoured to sweeten the disappointment by sending my mother a +handsome satin sack and velvet robe, which I purchased for her at the +best mercers in Dublin (and indeed told her I had brought from Paris +expressly for her); but the messenger whom I despatched with the +presents brought back the parcels, with the piece of satin torn half +way up the middle: and I did not need his descriptions to be aware that +something had offended the good lady; who came out, he said, and +abused him at the door, and would have boxed his cars, but that she was +restrained by a gentleman in black; who I concluded, with justice, was +her clerical friend Mr. Jowls. + +This reception of my presents made me rather dread than hope for an +interview with Mrs. Barry, and delayed my visit to her for some days +further. I wrote her a dutiful and soothing letter, to which there was +no answer returned; although I mentioned that on my way to the capital I +had been at Barryville, and revisited the old haunts of my youth. + +I don't care to own that she is the only human being whom I am afraid +to face. I can recollect her fits of anger as a child, and the +reconciliations, which used to be still more violent and painful: and +so, instead of going myself, I sent my factotum, Ulick Brady, to her; +who rode back, saying that he had met with a reception he would not +again undergo for twenty guineas; that he had been dismissed the house, +with strict injunctions to inform me that my mother disowned me for +ever. This parental anathema, as it were, affected me much, for I was +always the most dutiful of sons; and I determined to go as soon as +possible, and brave what I knew must be an inevitable scene of reproach +and anger, for the sake, as I hoped, of as certain a reconciliation. + +I had been giving one night an entertainment to some of the genteelest +company in Dublin, and was showing my Lord Marquess downstairs with a +pair of wax tapers, when I found a woman in a grey coat seated at my +doorsteps: to whom, taking her for a beggar, I tendered a piece of +money, and whom my noble friends, who were rather hot with wine, began +to joke, as my door closed and I bade them all good-night. + +I was rather surprised and affected to find afterwards that the hooded +woman was no other than my mother; whose pride had made her vow that she +would not enter my doors, but whose natural maternal yearnings had made +her long to see her son's face once again, and who had thus planted +herself in disguise at my gate. Indeed, I have found in my experience +that these are the only women who never deceive a man, and whose +affection remains constant through all trials. Think of the hours that +the kind soul must have passed, lonely in the street, listening to the +din and merriment within my apartments, the clinking of the glasses, the +laughing, the choruses, and the cheering. + +When my affair with Lord George happened, and it became necessary to me, +for the reasons I have stated, to be out of the way; now, thought I, is +the time to make my peace with my good mother: she will never refuse me +an asylum now that I seem in distress. So sending to her a notice that I +was coming, that I had had a duel which had brought me into trouble, and +required I should go into hiding, I followed my messenger half-an-hour +afterwards: and, I warrant me, there was no want of a good reception, +for presently, being introduced into an empty room by the barefooted +maid who waited upon Mrs. Barry, the door was opened, and the poor +mother flung herself into my arms with a scream, and with transports +of joy which I shall not attempt to describe--they are but to be +comprehended by women who have held in their arms an only child after a +twelve years' absence from him. + +The Reverend Mr. Jowls, my mother's director, was the only person to +whom the door of her habitation was opened during my sojourn; and he +would take no denial. He mixed for himself a glass of rum-punch, which +he seemed in the habit of drinking at my good mother's charge, groaned +aloud, and forthwith began reading me a lecture upon the sinfulness of +my past courses, and especially of the last horrible action I had been +committing. + +'Sinful!' said my mother, bristling up when her son was attacked; +'sure we're all sinners; and it's you, Mr. Jowls, who have given me the +inexpressible blessing to let me know THAT. But how else would you have +had the poor child behave?' + +'I would have had the gentleman avoid the drink, and the quarrel, and +this wicked duel altogether,' answered the clergyman. + +But my mother cut him short, by saying such sort of conduct might be +very well in a person of his cloth and his birth, but it neither became +a Brady nor a Barry. In fact, she was quite delighted with the thought +that I had pinked an English marquis's son in a duel; and so, to console +her, I told her of a score more in which I had been engaged, and of some +of which I have already informed the reader. + +As my late antagonist was in no sort of danger when I spread that report +of his perilous situation, there was no particular call that my hiding +should be very close. But the widow did not know the fact as well as I +did: and caused her house to be barricaded, and Becky, her barefooted +serving-wench, to be a perpetual sentinel to give alarm, lest the +officers should be in search of me. + +The only person I expected, however, was my cousin Ulick, who was to +bring me the welcome intelligence of Lady Lyndon's arrival; and I own, +after two days' close confinement at Bray, in which I narrated all the +adventures of my life to my mother, and succeeded in making her accept +the dresses she had formerly refused, and a considerable addition to +her income which I was glad to make, I was very glad when I saw that +reprobate Ulick Brady, as my mother called him, ride up to the door in +my carriage with the welcome intelligence for my mother, that the young +lord was out of danger; and for me, that the Countess of Lyndon had +arrived in Dublin. + +'And I wish, Redmond, that the young gentleman had been in danger a +little longer,' said the widow, her eyes filling with tears, 'and you'd +have stayed so much the more with your poor old mother.' But I dried her +tears, embracing her warmly, and promised to see her often; and hinted +I would have, mayhap, a house of my own and a noble daughter to welcome +her. + +'Who is she, Redmond dear?' said the old lady. + +'One of the noblest and richest women in the empire, mother,' answered +I. 'No mere Brady this time,' I added, laughing: with which hopes I left +Mrs. Barry in the best of tempers. + +No man can bear less malice than I do; and, when I have once carried +my point, I am one of the most placable creatures in the world. I was a +week in Dublin before I thought it necessary to quit that capital. I +had become quite reconciled to my rival in that time; made a point of +calling at his lodgings, and speedily became an intimate consoler of his +bed-side. He had a gentleman to whom I did not neglect to be civil, and +towards whom I ordered my people to be particular in their attentions; +for I was naturally anxious to learn what my Lord George's position with +the lady of Castle Lyndon had really been, whether other suitors were +about the widow, and how she would bear the news of his wound. + +The young nobleman himself enlightened me somewhat upon the subjects I +was most desirous to inquire into. + +'Chevalier,' said he to me one morning when I went to pay him my +compliments, 'I find you are an old acquaintance with my kinswoman, the +Countess of Lyndon. She writes me a page of abuse of you in a letter +here; and the strange part of the story is this, that one day when there +was talk about you at Castle Lyndon, and the splendid equipage you were +exhibiting in Dublin, the fair widow vowed and protested she never had +heard of you. + +'"Oh yes, mamma," said the little Bullingdon, "the tall dark man at Spa +with the cast in his eye, who used to make my governor tipsy and sent me +the sword: his name is Mr. Barry." + +'But my Lady ordered the boy out of the room, and persisted in knowing +nothing about you.' + +'And are you a kinsman and acquaintance of my Lady Lyndon, my Lord?' +said I, in a tone of grave surprise. + +'Yes, indeed,' answered the young gentleman. 'I left her house but to +get this ugly wound from you. And it came at a most unlucky time too.' + +'Why more unlucky now than at another moment?' + +'Why, look you, Chevalier, I think the widow was not unpartial to me. I +think I might have induced her to make our connection a little closer: +and faith, though she is older than I am, she is the richest party now +in England.' + +'My Lord George,' said I, 'will you let me ask you a frank but an odd +question?--will you show me her letters?' + +'Indeed I'll do no such thing,' replied he, in a rage. + +'Nay, don't be angry. If _I_ show you letters of Lady Lyndon's to me, +will you let me see hers to you?' + +'What, in Heaven's name, do you mean, Mr. Barry?' said the young +gentleman. + +'_I_ mean that I passionately loved Lady Lyndon. I mean that I am +a--that I rather was not indifferent to her. I mean that I love her to +distraction at this present moment, and will die myself, or kill the man +who possesses her before me.' + +'YOU marry the greatest heiress and the noblest blood in England?' said +Lord George haughtily. + +'There's no nobler blood in Europe than mine,' answered I: 'and I tell +you I don't know whether to hope or not. But this I know, that there +were days in which, poor as I am, the great heiress did not disdain to +look down upon my poverty: and that any man who marries her passes over +my dead body to do it. It's lucky for you,' I added gloomily, 'that on +the occasion of my engagement with you, I did not know what were your +views regarding my Lady Lyndon. My poor boy, you are a lad of courage +and I love you. Mine is the first sword in Europe, and you would have +been lying in a narrower bed than that you now occupy.' + +'Boy!' said Lord George: 'I am not four years younger than you are.' + +'You are forty years younger than I am in experience. I have passed +through every grade of life. With my own skill and daring I have made +my own fortune. I have been in fourteen pitched battles as a private +soldier, and have been twenty-three times on the ground, and never was +touched but once; and that was by the sword of a French maitre-d'armes, +Whom I killed. I started in life at seventeen, a beggar, and am now at +seven-and-twenty, with twenty thousand guineas. Do you suppose a man +of my courage and energy can't attain anything that he dares, and that +having claims upon the widow, I will not press them?' + +This speech was not exactly true to the letter (for I had multiplied my +pitched battles, my duels, and my wealth somewhat); but I saw that it +made the impression I desired to effect upon the young gentleman's +mind, who listened to my statement with peculiar seriousness, and whom I +presently left to digest it. + +A couple of days afterwards I called to see him again, when I brought +with me some of the letters that had passed between me and my Lady +Lyndon. 'Here,' said I, 'look--I show it you in confidence--it is a +lock of her Ladyship's hair; here are her letters signed Calista, and +addressed to Eugenio. Here is a poem, "When Sol bedecks the mead with +light, And pallid Cynthia sheds her ray," addressed by her Ladyship to +your humble servant.' + +'Calista! Eugenio! Sol bedecks the mead with light?' cried the young +lord. 'Am I dreaming? Why, my dear Barry, the widow has sent me the +very poem herself! "Rejoicing in the sunshine bright, Or musing in the +evening grey."' + +I could not help laughing as he made the quotation. They were, in +fact, the very words MY Calista had addressed to me. And we found, upon +comparing letters, that whole passages of eloquence figured in the +one correspondence which appeared in the other. See what it is to be a +blue-stocking and have a love of letter-writing! + +The young man put down the papers in great perturbation. 'Well, thank +Heaven!' said he, after a pause of some duration,--'thank Heaven for +a good riddance! Ah, Mr. Barry, what a woman I MIGHT have married had +these lucky papers not come in my way! I thought my Lady Lyndon had a +heart, sir, I must confess, though not a very warm one; and that, at +least, one could TRUST her. But marry her now! I would as lief send +my servant into the street to get me a wife, as put up with such an +Ephesian matron as that.' + +'My Lord George,' said I, 'you little know the world. Remember what a +bad husband Lady Lyndon had, and don't be astonished that she, on her +side, should be indifferent. Nor has she, I will dare to wager, ever +passed beyond the bounds of harmless gallantry, or sinned beyond the +composing of a sonnet or a billet-doux.' + +'My wife,' said the little lord, 'shall write no sonnets or +billets-doux; and I'm heartily glad to think I have obtained, in good +time, a knowledge of the heartless vixen with whom I thought myself for +a moment in love.' + +The wounded young nobleman was either, as I have said, very young and +green in matters of the world--for to suppose that a man would give up +forty thousand a year, because, forsooth, the lady connected with it had +written a few sentimental letters to a young fellow, is too absurd--or, +as I am inclined to believe, he was glad of an excuse to quit the field +altogether, being by no means anxious to meet the victorious sword of +Redmond Barry a second time. + +When the idea of Poynings' danger, or the reproaches probably addressed +by him to the widow regarding myself, had brought this exceedingly weak +and feeble woman up to Dublin, as I expected, and my worthy Ulick had +informed me of her arrival, I quitted my good mother, who was quite +reconciled to me (indeed the duel had done that), and found the +disconsolate Calista was in the habit of paying visits to the wounded +swain; much to the annoyance, the servants told me, of that gentleman. +The English are often absurdly high and haughty upon a point of +punctilio; and, after his kinswoman's conduct, Lord Poynings swore he +would have no more to do with her. + +I had this information from his Lordship's gentleman; with whom, as +I have said, I took particular care to be friends; nor was I denied +admission by his porter, when I chose to call, as before. + +Her Ladyship had most likely bribed that person, as I had; for she had +found her way up, though denied admission; and, in fact, I had watched +her from her own house to Lord George Poynings' lodgings, and seen her +descend from her chair there and enter, before I myself followed her. I +proposed to await her quietly in the ante-room, to make a scene there, +and reproach her with infidelity, if necessary; but matters were, as +it happened, arranged much more conveniently for me; and walking, +unannounced, into the outer room of his Lordship's apartments, I had the +felicity of hearing in the next chamber, of which the door was partially +open, the voice of my Calista. She was in full cry, appealing to the +poor patient, as he lay confined in his bed, and speaking in the most +passionate manner. 'What can lead you, George,' she said, 'to doubt of +my faith? How can you break my heart by casting me off in this monstrous +manner? Do you wish to drive your poor Calista to the grave? Well, well, +I shall join there the dear departed angel.' + +'Who entered it three months since,' said Lord George, with a sneer. +'It's a wonder you have survived so long.' + +'Don't treat your poor Calista in this cruel cruel manner, Antonio!' +cried the widow. + +'Bah!' said Lord George, 'my wound is bad. My doctors forbid me much +talk. Suppose your Antonio tired, my dear. Can't you console yourself +with somebody else?' + +'Heavens, Lord George! Antonio!' + +'Console yourself with Eugenio,' said the young nobleman bitterly, and +began ringing his bell; on which his valet, who was in an inner room, +came out, and he bade him show her Ladyship downstairs. + +Lady Lyndon issued from the room in the greatest flurry. She was dressed +in deep weeds, with a veil over her face, and did not recognise the +person waiting in the outer apartment. As she went down the stairs, I +stepped lightly after her, and as her chairman opened her door, sprang +forward, and took her hand to place her in the vehicle. 'Dearest widow,' +said I, 'his Lordship spoke correctly. Console yourself with Eugenio!' +She was too frightened even to scream, as her chairman carried her away. +She was set down at her house, and you may be sure that I was at the +chair-door, as before, to help her out. + +'Monstrous man!' said she, 'I desire you to leave me.' + +'Madam, it would be against my oath,' replied I; 'recollect the vow +Eugenio sent to Calista.' + +'If you do not quit me, I will call for the domestics to turn you from +the door.' + +'What! when I am come with my Calista's letters in my pocket, to return +them mayhap? You can soothe, madam, but you cannot frighten Redmond +Barry.' + +'What is it you would have of me, sir?' said the widow, rather agitated. + +'Let me come upstairs, and I will tell you all,' I replied; and she +condescended to give me her hand, and to permit me to lead her from her +chair to her drawing-room. + +When we were alone I opened my mind honourably to her. + +'Dearest madam,' said I, 'do not let your cruelty drive a desperate +slave to fatal measures. I adore you. In former days you allowed me to +whisper my passion to you unrestrained; at present you drive me from +your door, leave my letters unanswered, and prefer another to me. My +flesh and blood cannot bear such treatment. Look upon the punishment I +have been obliged to inflict; tremble at that which I may be compelled +to administer to that unfortunate young man: so sure as he marries you, +madam, he dies.' + +'I do not recognise,' said the widow, 'the least right you have to give +the law to the Countess of Lyndon: I do not in the least understand +your threats, or heed them. What has passed between me and an Irish +adventurer that should authorise this impertinent intrusion?' + +'THESE have passed, madam,' said I,--'Calista's letters to Eugenio. They +may have been very innocent; but will the world believe it? You may have +only intended to play with the heart of the poor artless Irish gentleman +who adored and confided in you. But who will believe the stories of your +innocence, against the irrefragable testimony of your own handwriting? +Who will believe that you could write these letters in the mere +wantonness of coquetry, and not under the influence of affection?' + +'Villain!' cried my Lady Lyndon, 'could you dare to construe out of +those idle letters of mine any other meaning than that which they really +bear?' + +'I will construe anything out of them,' said I; 'such is the passion +which animates me towards you. I have sworn it--you must and shall be +mine! Did you ever know me promise to accomplish a thing and fail? Which +will you prefer to have from me--a love such as woman never knew from +man before, or a hatred to which there exists no parallel?' + +'A woman of my rank, sir, can fear nothing from the hatred of an +adventurer like yourself,' replied the lady, drawing up stately. + +'Look at your Poynings--was HE of your rank? You are the cause of that +young man's wound, madam; and, but that the instrument of your savage +cruelty relented, would have been the author of his murder--yes, of his +murder; for, if a wife is faithless, does not she arm the husband who +punishes the seducer! And I look upon you, Honoria Lyndon, as my wife.' + +'Husband? wife, sir!' cried the widow, quite astonished. + +'Yes, wife! husband! I am not one of those poor souls with whom +coquettes can play, and who may afterwards throw them aside. You would +forget what passed between us at Spa: Calista would forget Eugenio; but +I will not let you forget me. You thought to trifle with my heart, did +you? When once moved, Honoria, it is moved for ever. I love you--love as +passionately now as I did when my passion was hopeless; and, now that +I can win you, do you think I will forego you? Cruel cruel Calista! you +little know the power of your own charms if you think their effect is so +easily obliterated--you little know the constancy of this pure and noble +heart if you think that, having once loved, it can ever cease to +adore you. No! I swear by your cruelty that I will revenge it; by your +wonderful beauty that I will win it, and be worthy to win it. Lovely, +fascinating, fickle, cruel woman! you shall be mine--I swear it! Your +wealth may be great; but am I not of a generous nature enough to use it +worthily? Your rank is lofty; but not so lofty as my ambition. You threw +yourself away once on a cold and spiritless debauchee: give yourself +now, Honoria, to a MAN; and one who, however lofty your rank may be, +will enhance it and become it!' + +As I poured words to this effect out on the astonished widow, I stood +over her, and fascinated her with the glance of my eye; saw her turn red +and pale with fear and wonder; saw that my praise of her charms and the +exposition of my passion were not unwelcome to her, and witnessed with +triumphant composure the mastery I was gaining over her. Terror, be sure +of that, is not a bad ingredient of love. A man who wills fiercely to +win the heart of a weak and vapourish woman MUST succeed, if he have +opportunity enough. + +'Terrible man!' said Lady Lyndon, shrinking from me as soon as I had +done speaking (indeed, I was at a loss for words, and thinking of +another speech to make to her)--'terrible man! leave me.' + +I saw that I had made an impression on her, from those very words. 'If +she lets me into the house to-morrow,' said I, 'she is mine.' + +As I went downstairs I put ten guineas into the hand of the hall-porter, +who looked quite astonished at such a gift. + +'It is to repay you for the trouble of opening the door to me,' said I; +'you will have to do so often.' + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. I PROVIDE NOBLY FOR MY FAMILY + +The next day when I went back, my fears were realised: the door was +refused to me--my Lady was not at home. This I knew to be false: I had +watched the door the whole morning from a lodging I took at a house +opposite. + +'Your lady is not out,' said I: 'she has denied me, and I can't, of +course, force my way to her. But listen: you are an Englishman?' 'That +I am,' said the fellow, with an air of the utmost superiority. 'Your +honour could tell that by my HACCENT.' + +I knew he was, and might therefore offer him a bribe. An Irish family +servant in rags, and though his wages were never paid him, would +probably fling the money in your face. + +'Listen, then,' said I. 'Your lady's letters pass through your hands, +don't they? A crown for every one that you bring me to read. There is a +whisky-shop in the next street; bring them there when you go to drink, +and call for me by the name of Dermot.' + +'I recollect your honour at SPAR,' says the fellow, grinning: 'seven's +the main, hey?' and being exceedingly proud of this reminiscence, I bade +my inferior adieu. + +I do not defend this practice of letter-opening in private life, except +in cases of the most urgent necessity: when we must follow the examples +of our betters, the statesmen of all Europe, and, for the sake of a +great good, infringe a little matter of ceremony. My Lady Lyndon's +letters were none the worse for being opened, and a great deal +the better; the knowledge obtained from the perusal of some of her +multifarious epistles enabling me to become intimate with her character +in a hundred ways, and obtain a power over her by which I was not slow +to profit. By the aid of the letters and of my English friend, whom I +always regaled with the best of liquor, and satisfied with presents of +money still more agreeable (I used to put on a livery in order to meet +him, and a red wig, in which it was impossible to know the dashing and +elegant Redmond Barry), I got such an insight into the widow's movements +as astonished her. I knew beforehand to what public places she would +go; they were, on account of her widowhood, but few: and wherever she +appeared, at church or in the park, I was always ready to offer her her +book, or to canter on horseback by the side of her chariot. + +Many of her Ladyship's letters were the most whimsical rodomontades that +ever blue-stocking penned. She was a woman who took up and threw off +a greater number of dear friends than any one I ever knew. To some of +these female darlings she began presently to write about my unworthy +self, and it was with a sentiment of extreme satisfaction I found at +length that the widow was growing dreadfully afraid of me; calling me +her bete noire, her dark spirit, her murderous adorer, and a thousand +other names indicative of her extreme disquietude and terror. It was: +'The wretch has been dogging my chariot through the park,' or, 'my fate +pursued me at church,' and 'my inevitable adorer handed me out of +my chair at the mercer's,' or what not. My wish was to increase this +sentiment of awe in her bosom, and to make her believe that I was a +person from whom escape was impossible. + +To this end I bribed a fortune-teller, whom she consulted along with a +number of the most foolish and distinguished people of Dublin, in those +days; and who, although she went dressed like one of her waiting-women, +did not fail to recognise her real rank, and to describe as her future +husband her persevering adorer Redmond Barry, Esquire. This incident +disturbed her very much. She wrote about it in terms of great wonder +and terror to her female correspondents. 'Can this monster,' she wrote, +'indeed do as he boasts, and bend even Fate to his will?--can he make +me marry him though I cordially detest him, and bring me a slave to +his feet. The horrid look of his black serpent-like eyes fascinates and +frightens me: it seems to follow me everywhere, and even when I close my +own eyes, the dreadful gaze penetrates the lids, and is still upon me.' + +When a woman begins to talk of a man in this way, he is an ass who +does not win her; and, for my part, I used to follow her about, and put +myself in an attitude opposite her, 'and fascinate her with my glance,' +as she said, most assiduously. Lord George Poynings, her former admirer, +was meanwhile keeping his room with his wound, and seemed determined to +give up all claims to her favour; for he denied her admittance when she +called, sent no answer to her multiplied correspondence, and contented +himself by saying generally, that the surgeon had forbidden him to +receive visitors or to answer letters. Thus, while he went into the +background, I came forward, and took good care that no other rivals +should present themselves with any chance of success; for, as soon as I +heard of one, I had a quarrel fastened on him, and, in this way, pinked +two more, besides my first victim Lord George. I always took another +pretext for quarrelling with them than the real one of attention to +Lady Lyndon, so that no scandal or hurt to her Ladyship's feelings might +arise in consequence; but she very well knew what was the meaning of +these duels; and the young fellows of Dublin, too, by laying two and two +together, began to perceive that there was a certain dragon in watch for +the wealthy heiress, and that the dragon must be subdued first before +they could get at the lady. I warrant that, after the first three, not +many champions were found to address the lady; and have often laughed +(in my sleeve) to see many of the young Dublin beaux riding by the side +of her carriage scamper off as soon as my bay-mare and green liveries +made their appearance. + +I wanted to impress her with some great and awful instance of my power, +and to this end had determined to confer a great benefit upon my honest +cousin Ulick, and carry off for him the fair object of his affections, +Miss Kiljoy, under the very eyes of her guardian and friend, Lady +Lyndon; and in the teeth of the squires, the young lady's brothers, who +passed the season at Dublin, and made as much swagger and to-do about +their sister's L10,000 Irish, as if she had had a plum to her fortune. +The girl was by no means averse to Mr. Brady; and it only shows how +faint-spirited some men are, and how a superior genius can instantly +overcome difficulties which to common minds seem insuperable, that he +never had thought of running off with her: as I at once and boldly did. +Miss Kiljoy had been a ward in Chancery until she attained her majority +(before which period it would have been a dangerous matter for me to +put in execution the scheme I meditated concerning her); but, though now +free to marry whom she liked, she was a young lady of timid disposition, +and as much under fear of her brothers and relatives as though she had +not been independent of them. They had some friend of their own in view +for the young lady, and had scornfully rejected the proposal of Ulick +Brady, the ruined gentleman; who was quite unworthy, as these rustic +bucks thought, of the hand of such a prodigiously wealthy heiress as +their sister. + +Finding herself lonely in her great house in Dublin, the Countess of +Lyndon invited her friend Miss Amelia to pass the season with her at +Dublin; and, in a fit of maternal fondness, also sent for her son the +little Bullingdon, and my old acquaintance his governor, to come to +the capital and bear her company. A family coach brought the boy, the +heiress, and the tutor from Castle Lyndon; and I determined to take the +first opportunity of putting my plan in execution. + +For this chance I had not very long to wait. I have said, in a former +chapter of my biography, that the kingdom of Ireland was at this +period ravaged by various parties of banditti; who, under the name +of Whiteboys, Oakboys, Steelboys, with captains at their head, killed +proctors, fired stacks, houghed and maimed cattle, and took the law into +their own hands. One of these bands, or several of them for what I know, +was commanded by a mysterious personage called Captain Thunder; whose +business seemed to be that of marrying people with or without their own +consent, or that of their parents. The Dublin Gazettes and Mercuries +of that period (the year 1772) teem with proclamations from the Lord +Lieutenant, offering rewards for the apprehension of this dreadful +Captain Thunder and his gang, and describing at length various exploits +of the savage aide-de-camp of Hymen. I determined to make use, if not +of the services, at any rate of the name of Captain Thunder, and put my +cousin Ulick in possession of his lady and her ten thousand pounds. She +was no great beauty, and, I presume, it was the money he loved rather +than the owner of it. + +On account of her widowhood, Lady Lyndon could not as yet frequent the +balls and routs which the hospitable nobility of Dublin were in the +custom of giving; but her friend Miss Kiljoy had no such cause for +retirement, and was glad to attend any parties to which she might be +invited. I made Ulick Brady a present of a couple of handsome suits of +velvet, and by my influence procured him an invitation to many of the +most elegant of these assemblies. But he had not had my advantages or +experience of the manners of Court; was as shy with ladies as a young +colt, and could no more dance a minuet than a donkey. He made very +little way in the polite world or in his mistress's heart: in fact, I +could see that she preferred several other young gentlemen to him, who +were more at home in the ball-room than poor Ulick; he had made his +first impression upon the heiress, and felt his first flame for her, in +her father's house of Ballykiljoy, where he used to hunt and get drunk +with the old gentleman. + +'I could do THIM two well enough, anyhow,' Ulick would say, heaving +a sigh; 'and if it's drinking or riding across country would do it, +there's no man in Ireland would have a better chance with Amalia.' + +'Never fear, Ulick,' was my reply; 'you shall have your Amalia, or my +name is not Redmond Barry.' + +My Lord Charlemont--who was one of the most elegant and accomplished +noblemen in Ireland in those days, a fine scholar and wit, a gentleman +who had travelled much abroad, where I had the honour of knowing +him--gave a magnificent masquerade at his house of Marino, some +few miles from Dublin, on the Dunleary road. And it was at this +entertainment that I was determined that Ulick should be made happy for +life. Miss Kiljoy was invited to the masquerade, and the little Lord +Bullingdon, who longed to witness such a scene; and it was agreed that +he was to go under the guardianship of his governor, my old friend the +Reverend Mr. Runt. I learned what was the equipage in which the party +were to be conveyed to the ball, and took my measures accordingly. + +Ulick Brady was not present: his fortune and quality were not sufficient +to procure him an invitation to so distinguished a place, and I had +it given out three days previous that he had been arrested for debt: a +rumour which surprised nobody who knew him. + +I appeared that night in a character with which I was very familiar, +that of a private soldier in the King of Prussia's guard. I had a +grotesque mask made, with an immense nose and moustaches, talked +a jumble of broken English and German, in which the latter greatly +predominated; and had crowds round me laughing at my droll accent, and +whose curiosity was increased by a knowledge of my previous history. +Miss Kiljoy was attired as an antique princess, with little Bullingdon +as a page of the times of chivalry; his hair was in powder, his doublet +rose-colour, and pea-green and silver, and he looked very handsome and +saucy as he strutted about with my sword by his side. As for Mr. Runt, +he walked about very demurely in a domino, and perpetually paid his +respects to the buffet, and ate enough cold chicken and drank enough +punch and champagne to satisfy a company of grenadiers. + +The Lord Lieutenant came and went in state-the ball was magnificent. +Miss Kiljoy had partners in plenty, among whom was myself, who walked +a minuet with her (if the clumsy waddling of the Irish heiress may be +called by such a name); and I took occasion to plead my passion for Lady +Lyndon in the most pathetic terms, and to beg her friend's interference +in my favour. + +It was three hours past midnight when the party for Lyndon House went +away. Little Bullingdon had long since been asleep in one of Lady +Charlemont's china closets. Mr. Runt was exceedingly husky in talk, and +unsteady in gait. A young lady of the present day would be alarmed to +see a gentleman in such a condition; but it was a common sight in those +jolly old times, when a gentleman was thought a milksop unless he was +occasionally tipsy. I saw Miss Kiljoy to her carriage, with several +other gentlemen: and, peering through the crowd of ragged linkboys, +drivers, beggars, drunken men and women, who used invariably to wait +round great men's doors when festivities were going on, saw the carriage +drive off, with a hurrah from the mob; then came back presently to the +supper-room, where I talked German, favoured the three or four topers +still there with a High-Dutch chorus, and attacked the dishes and wine +with great resolution. + +'How can you drink aisy with that big nose on?' said one gentleman. + +'Go an be hangt!' said I, in the true accent, applying myself again +to the wine; with which the others laughed, and I pursued my supper in +silence. + +There was a gentleman present who had seen the Lyndon party go off, with +whom I had made a bet, which I lost; and the next morning I called upon +him and paid it him. All which particulars the reader will be surprised +at hearing enumerated; but the fact is, that it was not I who went back +to the party, but my late German valet, who was of my size, and, +dressed in my mask, could perfectly pass for me. We changed clothes in +a hackney-coach that stood near Lady Lyndon's chariot, and driving after +it, speedily overtook it. + +The fated vehicle which bore the lovely object of Ulick Brady's +affections had not advanced very far, when, in the midst of a deep rut +in the road, it came suddenly to with a jolt; the footman, springing off +the back, cried 'Stop!' to the coachman, warning him that a wheel +was off, and that it would be dangerous to proceed with only three. +Wheel-caps had not been invented in those days, as they have since been +by the ingenious builders of Long Acre. And how the linch-pin of the +wheel had come out I do not pretend to say; but it possibly may have +been extracted by some rogues among the crowd before Lord Charlemont's +gate. + +Miss Kiljoy thrust her head out of the window, screaming as ladies +do; Mr. Runt the chaplain woke up from his boozy slumbers; and little +Bullingdon, starting up and drawing his little sword, said, 'Don't be +afraid, Miss Amelia: if it's footpads, I am armed.' The young rascal had +the spirit of a lion, that's the truth; as I must acknowledge, in spite +of all my after quarrels with him. + +The hackney-coach which had been following Lady Lyndon's chariot by this +time came up, and the coachman seeing the disaster, stepped down from +his box, and politely requested her Ladyship's honour to enter his +vehicle; which was as clean and elegant as any person of tiptop quality +might desire. This invitation was, after a minute or two, accepted by +the passengers of the chariot: the hackney-coachman promising to drive +them to Dublin 'in a hurry.' Thady, the valet, proposed to accompany +his young master and the young lady; and the coachman, who had a friend +seemingly drunk by his side on the box, with a grin told Thady to get +up behind. However, as the footboard there was covered with spikes, as +a defence against the street-boys, who love a ride gratis, Thady's +fidelity would not induce him to brave these; and he was persuaded +to remain by the wounded chariot, for which he and the coachman +manufactured a linch-pin out of a neighbouring hedge. + +Meanwhile, although the hackney-coachman drove on rapidly, yet the party +within seemed to consider it was a long distance from Dublin; and what +was Miss Kiljoy's astonishment, on looking out of the window at length, +to see around her a lonely heath, with no signs of buildings or city. +She began forthwith to scream out to the coachman to stop; but the man +only whipped the horses the faster for her noise, and bade her Ladyship +'hould on--'twas a short cut he was taking.' + +Miss Kiljoy continued screaming, the coachman flogging, the horses +galloping, until two or three men appeared suddenly from a hedge, to +whom the fair one cried for assistance; and the young Bullingdon opening +the coach-door, jumped valiantly out, toppling over head and heels as +he fell; but jumping up in an instant, he drew his little sword, and, +running towards the carriage, exclaimed, 'This way, gentlemen! stop the +rascal!' + +'Stop!' cried the men; at which the coachman pulled up with +extraordinary obedience. Runt all the while lay tipsy in the carriage, +having only a dreamy half-consciousness of all that was going on. + +The newly arrived champions of female distress now held a consultation, +in which they looked at the young lord and laughed considerably. + +'Do not be alarmed,' said the leader, coming up to the door; 'one of my +people shall mount the box by the side of that treacherous rascal, and, +with your Ladyship's leave, I and my companions will get in and see you +home. We are well armed, and can defend you in case of danger.' + +With this, and without more ado, he jumped into the carriage, his +companion following him. + +'Know your place, fellow!' cried out little Bullingdon indignantly: 'and +give place to the Lord Viscount Bullingdon!' and put himself before the +huge person of the new-comer, who was about to enter the hackney-coach. + +'Get out of that, my Lord,' said the man, in a broad brogue, and shoving +him aside. On which the boy, crying 'Thieves! thieves!' drew out his +little hanger, and ran at the man, and would have wounded him (for a +small sword will wound as well as a great one); but his opponent, who +was armed with a long stick, struck the weapon luckily out of the lad's +hands: it went flying over his head, and left him aghast and mortified +at his discomfiture. + +He then pulled off his hat, making his Lordship a low bow, and entered +the carriage; the door of which was shut upon him by his confederate, +who was to mount the box. Miss Kiljoy might have screamed; but I presume +her shrieks were stopped by the sight of an enormous horse-pistol which +one of her champions produced, who said, 'No harm is intended you, +ma'am, but if you cry out, we must gag you;' on which she suddenly +became as mute as a fish. + +All these events took place in an exceedingly short space of time; and +when the three invaders had taken possession of the carriage, the poor +little Bullingdon being left bewildered and astonished on the heath, one +of them putting his head out of the window, said,-- + +'My Lord, a word with you.' + +'What is it?' said the boy, beginning to whimper: he was but eleven +years old, and his courage had been excellent hitherto. + +'You are only two miles from Marino. Walk back till you come to a big +stone, there turn to the right, and keep on straight till you get to the +high-road, when you will easily find your way back. And when you see her +Ladyship your mamma, give CAPTAIN THUNDER'S compliments, and say Miss +Amelia Kiljoy is going to be married.' + +'O heavens!' sighed out that young lady. + +The carriage drove swiftly on, and the poor little nobleman was left +alone on the heath, just as the morning began to break. He was fairly +frightened; and no wonder. He thought of running after the coach; but +his courage and his little legs failed him: so he sat down upon a stone +and cried for vexation. + +It was in this way that Ulick Brady made what I call a Sabine marriage. +When he halted with his two groomsmen at the cottage where the ceremony +was to be performed, Mr. Runt, the chaplain, at first declined to +perform it. But a pistol was held at the head of that unfortunate +preceptor, and he was told, with dreadful oaths, that his miserable +brains would be blown out; when he consented to read the service. The +lovely Amelia had, very likely, a similar inducement held out to her, +but of that I know nothing; for I drove back to town with the coachman +as soon as we had set the bridal party down, and had the satisfaction +of finding Fritz, my German, arrived before me: he had come back in my +carriage in my dress, having left the masquerade undiscovered, and done +everything there according to my orders. + +Poor Runt came back the next day in a piteous plight, keeping silence as +to his share in the occurrences of the evening, and with a dismal story +of having been drunk, of having been waylaid and bound, of having been +left on the road and picked up by a Wicklow cart, which was coming in +with provisions to Dublin, and found him helpless on the road. There was +no possible means of fixing any share of the conspiracy upon him. Little +Bullingdon, who, too, found his way home, was unable in any way to +identify me. But Lady Lyndon knew that I was concerned in the plot, for +I met her hurrying the next day to the Castle; all the town being up +about the enlevement. And I saluted her with a smile so diabolical, +that I knew she was aware that I had been concerned in the daring and +ingenious scheme. + +Thus it was that I repaid Ulick Brady's kindness to me in early days; +and had the satisfaction of restoring the fallen fortunes of a deserving +branch of my family. He took his bride into Wicklow, where he lived +with her in the strictest seclusion until the affair was blown over; the +Kiljoys striving everywhere in vain to discover his retreat. They did +not for a while even know who was the lucky man who had carried off +the heiress; nor was it until she wrote a letter some weeks afterwards, +signed Amelia Brady, and expressing perfect happiness in her new +condition, and stating that she had been married by Lady Lyndon's +chaplain Mr. Runt, that the truth was known, and my worthy friend +confessed his share of the transaction. As his good-natured mistress +did not dismiss him from his post in consequence, everybody persisted in +supposing that poor Lady Lyndon was privy to the plot; and the story of +her Ladyship's passionate attachment for me gained more and more credit. + +I was not slow, you may be sure, in profiting by these rumours. Every +one thought I had a share in the Brady marriage; though no one could +prove it. Every one thought I was well with the widowed Countess; though +no one could show that I said so. But there is a way of proving a thing +even while you contradict it, and I used to laugh and joke so apropos +that all men began to wish me joy of my great fortune, and look up to +me as the affianced husband of the greatest heiress in the kingdom. +The papers took up the matter; the female friends of Lady Lyndon +remonstrated with her and cried 'Fie!' Even the English journals and +magazines, which in those days were very scandalous, talked of the +matter; and whispered that a beautiful and accomplished widow, with +a title and the largest possessions in the two kingdoms, was about to +bestow her hand upon a young gentleman of high birth and fashion, who +had distinguished himself in the service of His M-----y the K--- of +Pr----. I won't say who was the author of these paragraphs; or how +two pictures, one representing myself under the title of 'The Prussian +Irishman,' and the other Lady Lyndon as 'The Countess of Ephesus,' +actually appeared in the Town and Country Magazine, published at London, +and containing the fashionable tittle-tattle of the day. + +Lady Lyndon was so perplexed and terrified by this continual hold upon +her, that she determined to leave the country. Well, she did; and +who was the first to receive her on landing at Holyhead? Your humble +servant, Redmond Barry, Esquire. And, to crown all, the Dublin Mercury, +which announced her Ladyship's departure, announced mine THE DAY BEFORE. +There was not a soul but thought she had followed me to England; whereas +she was only flying me. Vain hope!--a man of my resolution was not thus +to be balked in pursuit. Had she fled to the antipodes, I would have +been there: ay, and would have followed her as far as Orpheus did +Eurydice! + +Her Ladyship had a house in Berkeley Square, London, more splendid than +that which she possessed in Dublin; and, knowing that she would come +thither, I preceded her to the English capital, and took handsome +apartments in Hill Street, hard by. I had the same intelligence in her +London house which I had procured in Dublin. The same faithful porter +was there to give me all the information I required. I promised to +treble his wages as soon as a certain event should happen. I won over +Lady Lyndon's companion by a present of a hundred guineas down, and a +promise of two thousand when I should be married, and gained the +favours of her favourite lady's-maid by a bribe of similar magnitude. My +reputation had so far preceded me in London that, on my arrival, numbers +of the genteel were eager to receive me at their routs. We have no idea +in this humdrum age what a gay and splendid place London was then: what +a passion for play there was among young and old, male and female; what +thousands were lost and won in a night; what beauties there were--how +brilliant, gay, and dashing! Everybody was delightfully wicked: the +Royal Dukes of Gloucester and Cumberland set the example; the nobles +followed close behind. Running away was the fashion. Ah! it was a +pleasant time; and lucky was he who had fire, and youth, and money, and +could live in it! I had all these; and the old frequenters of 'White's,' +'Wattier's,' and 'Goosetree's' could tell stories of the gallantry, +spirit, and high fashion of Captain Barry. + +The progress of a love-story is tedious to all those who are not +concerned, and I leave such themes to the hack novel-writers, and the +young boarding-school misses for whom they write. It is not my intention +to follow, step by step, the incidents of my courtship, or to narrate +all the difficulties I had to contend with, and my triumphant manner of +surmounting them. Suffice it to say, I DID overcome these difficulties. +I am of opinion, with my friend the late ingenious Mr. Wilkes, that such +impediments are nothing in the way of a man of spirit; and that he can +convert indifference and aversion into love, if he have perseverance and +cleverness sufficient. By the time the Countess's widowhood was expired, +I had found means to be received into her house; I had her women +perpetually talking in my favour, vaunting my powers, expatiating +upon my reputation, and boasting of my success and popularity in the +fashionable world. + +Also, the best friends I had in the prosecution of my tender suit were +the Countess's noble relatives; who were far from knowing the service +that they did me, and to whom I beg leave to tender my heartfelt thanks +for the abuse with which they then loaded me! and to whom I fling +my utter contempt for the calumny and hatred with which they have +subsequently pursued me. + +The chief of these amiable persons was the Marchioness of Tiptoff, +mother of the young gentleman whose audacity I had punished at Dublin. +This old harridan, on the Countess's first arrival in London, +waited upon her, and favoured her with such a storm of abuse for her +encouragement of me, that I do believe she advanced my cause more than +six months' courtship could have done, or the pinking of a half-dozen +of rivals. It was in vain that poor Lady Lyndon pleaded her entire +innocence and vowed she had never encouraged me. 'Never encouraged him!' +screamed out the old fury; 'didn't you encourage the wretch at Spa, +during Sir Charles's own life? Didn't you marry a dependant of yours to +one of this profligate's bankrupt cousins? When he set off for England, +didn't you follow him like a mad woman the very next day? Didn't he +take lodgings at your very door almost--and do you call this no +encouragement? For shame, madam, shame! You might have married my +son--my dear and noble George; but that he did not choose to interfere +with your shameful passion for the beggarly upstart whom you caused to +assassinate him; and the only counsel I have to give your Ladyship +is this, to legitimatise the ties which you have contracted with this +shameless adventurer; to make that connection legal which, real as it is +now, is against both decency and religion; and to spare your family and +your son the shame of your present line of life.' + +With this the old fury of a marchioness left the room, and Lady Lyndon +in tears: I had the whole particulars of the conversation from her +Ladyship's companion, and augured the best result from it in my favour. + +Thus, by the sage influence of my Lady Tiptoff, the Countess of Lyndon's +natural friends and family were kept from her society. Even when Lady +Lyndon went to Court the most august lady in the realm received her with +such marked coldness, that the unfortunate widow came home and took to +her bed with vexation. And thus I may say that Royalty itself became +an agent in advancing my suit, and helping the plans of the poor Irish +soldier of fortune. So it is that Fate works with agents, great and +small; and by means over which they have no control the destinies of men +and women are accomplished. + +I shall always consider the conduct of Mrs. Bridget (Lady Lyndon's +favourite maid at this juncture) as a masterpiece of ingenuity: and, +indeed, had such an opinion of her diplomatic skill, that the very +instant I became master of the Lyndon estates, and paid her the promised +sum--I am a man of honour, and rather than not keep my word with the +woman, I raised the money of the Jews, at an exorbitant interest--as +soon, I say, as I achieved my triumph, I took Mrs. Bridget by the hand, +and said, "Madam, you have shown such unexampled fidelity in my service +that I am glad to reward you, according to my promise; but you have +given proofs of such extraordinary cleverness and dissimulation, that +I must decline keeping you in Lady Lyndon's establishment, and beg +you will leave it this very day:" which she did, and went over to the +Tiptoff faction, and has abused me ever since. + +But I must tell you what she did which was so clever. Why, it was the +simplest thing in the world, as all master-strokes are. When Lady +Lyndon lamented her fate and my--as she was pleased to call it--shameful +treatment of her, Mrs. Bridget said, 'Why should not your Ladyship write +this young gentleman word of the evil which he is causing you? Appeal to +his feelings (which, I have heard say, are very good indeed--the whole +town is ringing with accounts of his spirit and generosity), and beg him +to desist from a pursuit which causes the best of ladies so much pain? +Do, my Lady, write: I know your style is so elegant that I, for my part, +have many a time burst into tears in reading your charming letters, and +I have no doubt Mr. Barry will sacrifice anything rather than hurt your +feelings.' And, of course, the abigail swore to the fact. + +'Do you think so, Bridget?' said her Ladyship. And my mistress forthwith +penned me a letter, in her most fascinating and winning manner:--'Why, +sir,' wrote she, 'will you pursue me? why environ me in a web of +intrigue so frightful that my spirit sinks under it, seeing escape is +hopeless from your frightful, your diabolical art? They say you are +generous to others--be so to me. I know your bravery but too well: +exercise it on men who can meet your sword, not on a poor feeble woman, +who cannot resist you. Remember the friendship you once professed +for me. And now, I beseech you, I implore you, to give a proof of it. +Contradict the calumnies which you have spread against me, and repair, +if you can, and if you have a spark of honour left, the miseries which +you have caused to the heart-broken + +'H. LYNDON.' + + +What was this letter meant for but that I should answer it in person? My +excellent ally told me where I should meet Lady Lyndon, and accordingly +I followed, and found her at the Pantheon. I repeated the scene at +Dublin over again; showed her how prodigious my power was, humble as +I was, and that my energy was still untired. 'But,' I added, 'I am as +great in good as I am in evil; as fond and faithful as a friend as I am +terrible as an enemy. I will do everything,' I said, 'which you ask of +me, except when you bid me not to love you. That is beyond my power; and +while my heart has a pulse I must follow you. It is MY fate; your fate. +Cease to battle against it, and be mine. Loveliest of your sex! with +life alone can end my passion for you; and, indeed, it is only by dying +at your command that I can be brought to obey you. Do you wish me to +die?' + +She said, laughing (for she was a woman of a lively, humorous turn), +that she did not wish me to commit self-murder; and I felt from that +moment that she was mine. + +***** + +A year from that day, on the 15th of May, in the year 1773, I had the +honour and happiness to lead to the altar Honoria, Countess of Lyndon, +widow of the late Right Honourable Sir Charles Lyndon, K.B. The ceremony +was performed at St. George's, Hanover Square, by the Reverend Samuel +Runt, her Ladyship's chaplain. A magnificent supper and ball was given +at our house in Berkeley Square, and the next morning I had a duke, four +earls, three generals, and a crowd of the most distinguished people +in London at my LEVEE. Walpole made a lampoon about the marriage, and +Selwyn cut jokes at the 'Cocoa-Tree.' Old Lady Tiptoff, although she had +recommended it, was ready to bite off her fingers with vexation; and as +for young Bullingdon, who was grown a tall lad of fourteen, when called +upon by the Countess to embrace his papa, he shook his fist in my face +and said, 'HE my father! I would as soon call one of your Ladyship's +footmen Papa!' + +But I could afford to laugh at the rage of the boy and the old woman, +and at the jokes of the wits of St. James's. I sent off a flaming +account of our nuptials to my mother and my uncle the good Chevalier; +and now, arrived at the pitch of prosperity, and having, at thirty years +of age, by my own merits and energy, raised myself to one of the highest +social positions that any man in England could occupy, I determined to +enjoy myself as became a man of quality for the remainder of my life. + +After we had received the congratulations of our friends in London--for +in those days people were not ashamed of being married, as they seem +to be now--I and Honoria (who was all complacency, and a most handsome, +sprightly, and agreeable companion) set off to visit our estates in the +West of England, where I had never as yet set foot. We left London in +three chariots, each with four horses; and my uncle would have been +pleased could he have seen painted on their panels the Irish crown and +the ancient coat of the Barrys beside the Countess's coronet and the +noble cognisance of the noble family of Lyndon. + +Before quitting London, I procured His Majesty's gracious permission to +add the name of my lovely lady to my own; and henceforward assumed +the style and title of BARRY LYNDON, as I have written it in this +autobiography. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. I APPEAR AS AN ORNAMENT OF ENGLISH SOCIETY + +All the journey down to Hackton Castle, the largest and most ancient of +our ancestral seats in Devonshire, was performed with the slow and sober +state becoming people of the first quality in the realm. An outrider in +my livery went on before us, and bespoke our lodging from town to town; +and thus we lay in state at Andover, Ilminster, and Exeter; and the +fourth evening arrived in time for supper before the antique baronial +mansion, of which the gate was in an odious Gothic taste that would have +set Mr. Walpole wild with pleasure. + +The first days of a marriage are commonly very trying; and I have known +couples, who lived together like turtle-doves for the rest of their +lives, peck each other's eyes out almost during the honeymoon. I did not +escape the common lot; in our journey westward my Lady Lyndon chose to +quarrel with me because I pulled out a pipe of tobacco (the habit of +smoking which I had acquired in Germany when a soldier in Billow's, and +could never give it over), and smoked it in the carriage; and also her +Ladyship chose to take umbrage both at Ilminster and Andover, because +in the evenings when we lay there I chose to invite the landlords of +the 'Bell' and the 'Lion' to crack a bottle with me. Lady Lyndon was +a haughty woman, and I hate pride; and I promise you that in both +instances I overcame this vice in her. On the third day of our journey +I had her to light my pipematch with her own hands, and made her deliver +it to me with tears in her eyes; and at the 'Swan Inn' at Exeter I had +so completely subdued her, that she asked me humbly whether I would not +wish the landlady as well as the host to step up to dinner with us. To +this I should have had no objection, for, indeed, Mrs. Bonnyface was a +very good-looking woman; but we expected a visit from my Lord Bishop, +a kinsman of Lady Lyndon, and the BIENSEANCES did not permit the +indulgence of my wife's request. I appeared with her at evening service, +to compliment our right reverend cousin, and put her name down for +twenty-five guineas, and my own for one hundred, to the famous new organ +which was then being built for the cathedral. This conduct, at the very +outset of my career in the county, made me not a little popular; and +the residentiary canon, who did me the favour to sup with me at the inn, +went away after the sixth bottle, hiccuping the most solemn vows for the +welfare of such a p-p-pious gentleman. + +Before we reached Hackton Castle, we had to drive through ten miles of +the Lyndon estates, where the people were out to visit us, the church +bells set a-ringing, the parson and the farmers assembled in their best +by the roadside, and the school children and the labouring people were +loud in their hurrahs for her Ladyship. I flung money among these worthy +characters, stopped to bow and chat with his reverence and the farmers, +and if I found that the Devonshire girls were among the handsomest in +the kingdom is it my fault? These remarks my Lady Lyndon especially +would take in great dudgeon; and I do believe she was made more angry by +my admiration of the red cheeks of Miss Betsy Quarringdon of Clumpton, +than by any previous speech or act of mine in the journey. 'Ah, ah, my +fine madam, you are jealous, are you?' thought I, and reflected, not +without deep sorrow, how lightly she herself had acted in her husband's +lifetime, and that those are most jealous who themselves give most cause +for jealousy. + +Round Hackton village the scene of welcome was particularly gay: a band +of music had been brought from Plymouth, and arches and flags had been +raised, especially before the attorney's and the doctor's houses, who +were both in the employ of the family. There were many hundreds of stout +people at the great lodge, which, with the park-wall, bounds one side of +Hackton Green, and from which, for three miles, goes (or rather went) an +avenue of noble elms up to the towers of the old castle. I wished they +had been oak when I cut the trees down in '79, for they would have +fetched three times the money: I know nothing more culpable than the +carelessness of ancestors in planting their grounds with timber of small +value, when they might just as easily raise oak. Thus I have always said +that the Roundhead Lyndon of Hackton, who planted these elms in Charles +II.'s time, cheated me of ten thousand pounds. + +For the first few days after our arrival, my time was agreeably spent +in receiving the visits of the nobility and gentry who came to pay their +respects to the noble new-married couple, and, like Bluebeard's wife +in the fairy tale, in inspecting the treasures, the furniture, and the +numerous chambers of the castle. It is a huge old place, built as far +back as Henry V.'s time, besieged and battered by the Cromwellians in +the Revolution, and altered and patched up, in an odious old-fashioned +taste, by the Roundhead Lyndon, who succeeded to the property at the +death of a brother whose principles were excellent and of the true +Cavalier sort, but who ruined himself chiefly by drinking, dicing, and +a dissolute life, and a little by supporting the King. The castle stands +in a fine chase, which was prettily speckled over with deer; and I can't +but own that my pleasure was considerable at first, as I sat in the oak +parlour of summer evenings, with the windows open, the gold and silver +plate shining in a hundred dazzling colours on the side-boards, a dozen +jolly companions round the table, and could look out over the wide green +park and the waving woods, and see the sun setting on the lake, and hear +the deer calling to one another. + +The exterior was, when I first arrived, a quaint composition of all +sorts of architecture; of feudal towers, and gable-ends in Queen Bess's +style, and rough-patched walls built up to repair the ravages of the +Roundhead cannon: but I need not speak of this at large, having had the +place new-faced at a vast expense, under a fashionable architect, and +the facade laid out in the latest French-Greek and most classical style. +There had been moats, and drawbridges, and outer walls; these I had +shaved away into elegant terraces, and handsomely laid out in parterres +according to the plans of Monsieur Cornichon, the great Parisian +architect, who visited England for the purpose. + +After ascending the outer steps, you entered an antique hall of vast +dimensions, wainscoted with black carved oak, and ornamented with +portraits of our ancestors: from the square beard of Brook Lyndon, the +great lawyer in Queen Bess's time, to the loose stomacher and ringlets +of Lady Saccharissa Lyndon, whom Vandyck painted when she was a maid of +honour to Queen Henrietta Maria, and down to Sir Charles Lyndon, with +his riband as a knight of the Bath; and my Lady, painted by Hudson, in +a white satin sack and the family diamonds, as she was presented to +the old King George II. These diamonds were very fine: I first had +them reset by Boehmer when we appeared before their French Majesties at +Versailles; and finally raised L18,000 upon them, after that infernal +run of ill luck at 'Goosetree's,' when Jemmy Twitcher (as we called +my Lord Sandwich), Carlisle, Charley Fox, and I played hombre for +four-and-forty hours SANS DESEMPARER. Bows and pikes, huge stag-heads +and hunting implements, and rusty old suits of armour, that may have +been worn in the days of Gog and Magog for what I know, formed the other +old ornaments of this huge apartment; and were ranged round a fireplace +where you might have turned a coach-and-six. This I kept pretty much in +its antique condition, but had the old armour eventually turned out +and consigned to the lumber-rooms upstairs; replacing it with china +monsters, gilded settees from France, and elegant marbles, of which the +broken noses and limbs, and ugliness, undeniably proved their antiquity: +and which an agent purchased for me at Rome. But such was the taste +of the times (and, perhaps, the rascality of my agent), that thirty +thousand pounds' worth of these gems of art only went for three hundred +guineas at a subsequent period, when I found it necessary to raise money +on my collections. + +From this main hall branched off on either side the long series of +state-rooms, poorly furnished with high-backed chairs and long queer +Venice glasses, when first I came to the property; but afterwards +rendered so splendid by me, with the gold damasks of Lyons and the +magnificent Gobelin tapestries I won from Richelieu at play. There +were thirty-six bedrooms DE MAITRE, of which I only kept three in their +antique condition,--the haunted room as it was called, where the murder +was done in James II.'s time, the bed where William slept after +landing at Torbay, and Queen Elizabeth's state-room. All the rest were +redecorated by Cornichon in the most elegant taste; not a little to the +scandal of some of the steady old country dowagers; for I had pictures +of Boucher and Vanloo to decorate the principal apartments, in which the +Cupids and Venuses were painted in a manner so natural, that I recollect +the old wizened Countess of Frumpington pinning over the curtains of her +bed, and sending her daughter, Lady Blanche Whalebone, to sleep with her +waiting-woman, rather than allow her to lie in a chamber hung all over +with looking-glasses, after the exact fashion of the Queen's closet at +Versailles. + +For many of these ornaments I was not so much answerable as Cornichon, +whom Lauraguais lent me, and who was the intendant of my buildings +during my absence abroad. I had given the man CARTE BLANCHE, and when he +fell down and broke his leg, as he was decorating a theatre in the room +which had been the old chapel of the castle, the people of the +country thought it was a judgment of Heaven upon him. In his rage for +improvement the fellow dared anything. Without my orders he cut down +an old rookery which was sacred in the country, and had a prophecy +regarding it, stating, 'When the rook-wood shall fall, down goes Hackton +Hall.' The rooks went over and colonised Tiptoff Woods, which lay near +us (and be hanged to them!), and Cornichon built a temple to Venus and +two lovely fountains on their site. Venuses and Cupids were the rascal's +adoration: he wanted to take down the Gothic screen and place Cupids in +our pew there; but old Doctor Huff the rector came out with a large oak +stick, and addressed the unlucky architect in Latin, of which he did not +comprehend a word, yet made him understand that he would break his +bones if he laid a single finger upon the sacred edifice. Cornichon +made complaints about the 'Abbe Huff,' as he called him. ('Et quel abbe, +grand Dieu!' added he, quite bewildered, 'un abbe avec douze enfans'); +but I encouraged the Church in this respect, and bade Cornichon exert +his talents only in the castle. + +There was a magnificent collection of ancient plate, to which I added +much of the most splendid modern kind; a cellar which, however well +furnished, required continual replenishing, and a kitchen which I +reformed altogether. My friend, Jack Wilkes, sent me down a cook from +the Mansion House, for the English cookery,--the turtle and venison +department: I had a CHEF (who called out the Englishman, by the way, and +complained sadly of the GROS COCHON who wanted to meet him with COUPS DE +POING) and a couple of AIDES from Paris, and an Italian confectioner, +as my OFFICIERS DE BOUCHE. All which natural appendages to a man of +fashion, the odious, stingy old Tiptoff, my kinsman and neighbour, +affected to view with horror; and he spread through the country a report +that I had my victuals cooked by Papists, lived upon frogs, and, he +verily believed, fricasseed little children. + +But the squires ate my dinners very readily for all that, and old Doctor +Huff himself was compelled to allow that my venison and turtle were +most orthodox. The former gentry I knew how to conciliate, too, in +other ways. There had been only a subscription pack of fox-hounds in +the county and a few beggarly couples of mangy beagles, with which old +Tiptoff pattered about his grounds; I built a kennel and stables, +which cost L30,000, and stocked them in a manner which was worthy of +my ancestors, the Irish kings. I had two packs of hounds, and took +the field in the season four times a week, with three gentlemen in +my hunt-uniform to follow me, and open house at Hackton for all who +belonged to the hunt. + +These changes and this train de vivre required, as may be supposed, no +small outlay; and I confess that I have little of that base spirit of +economy in my composition which some people practise and admire. For +instance, old Tiptoff was hoarding up his money to repair his father's +extravagance and disencumber his estates; a good deal of the money +with which he paid off his mortgages my agent procured upon mine. And, +besides, it must be remembered I had only a life-interest upon the +Lyndon property, was always of an easy temper in dealing with the +money-brokers, and had to pay heavily for insuring her Ladyship's life. + +At the end of a year Lady Lyndon presented me with a son--Bryan Lyndon +I called him, in compliment to my royal ancestry: but what more had I to +leave him than a noble name? Was not the estate of his mother entailed +upon the odious little Turk, Lord Bullingdon? and whom, by the way, I +have not mentioned as yet, though he was living at Hackton, consigned to +a new governor. The insubordination of that boy was dreadful. He used +to quote passages of 'Hamlet' to his mother, which made her very angry. +Once when I took a horsewhip to chastise him, he drew a knife, and would +have stabbed me: and, 'faith, I recollected my own youth, which was +pretty similar; and, holding out my hand, burst out laughing, and +proposed to him to be friends. We were reconciled for that time, and +the next, and the next; but there was no love lost between us, and his +hatred for me seemed to grow as he grew, which was apace. + +I determined to endow my darling boy Bryan with a property, and to this +end cut down twelve thousand pounds' worth of timber on Lady Lyndon's +Yorkshire and Irish estates: at which proceeding Bullingdon's guardian, +Tiptoff, cried out, as usual, and swore I had no right to touch a +stick of the trees; but down they went; and I commissioned my mother to +repurchase the ancient lands of Ballybarry and Barryogue, which had once +formed part of the immense possessions of my house. These she bought +back with excellent prudence and extreme joy; for her heart was +gladdened at the idea that a son was born to my name, and with the +notion of my magnificent fortunes. + +To say truth, I was rather afraid, now that I lived in a very different +sphere from that in which she was accustomed to move, lest she should +come to pay me a visit, and astonish my English friends by her bragging +and her brogue, her rouge and her old hoops and furbelows of the time +of George II.: in which she had figured advantageously in her youth, and +which she still fondly thought to be at the height of the fashion. So +I wrote to her, putting off her visit; begging her to visit us when +the left wing of the castle was finished, or the stables built, and so +forth. There was no need of such precaution. 'A hint's enough for me, +Redmond,' the old lady would reply. 'I am not coming to disturb you +among your great English friends with my old-fashioned Irish ways. It's +a blessing to me to think that my darling boy has attained the position +which I always knew was his due, and for which I pinched myself to +educate him. You must bring me the little Bryan, that his grandmother +may kiss him, one day. Present my respectful blessing to her Ladyship +his mamma. Tell her she has got a treasure in her husband, which she +couldn't have had had she taken a duke to marry her; and that the Barrys +and the Bradys, though without titles, have the best of blood in their +veins. I shall never rest until I see you Earl of Ballybarry, and my +grandson Lord Viscount Barryogue.' + +How singular it was that the very same ideas should be passing in my +mother's mind and my own! The very title she had pitched upon had also +been selected (naturally enough) by me; and I don't mind confessing that +I had filled a dozen sheets of paper with my signature, under the +names of Ballybarry and Barryogue, and had determined with my usual +impetuosity to carry my point. My mother went and established herself +at Ballybarry, living with the priest there until a tenement could be +erected, and dating from 'Ballybarry Castle;' which, you may be sure, +I gave out to be a place of no small importance. I had a plan of the +estate in my study, both at Hackton and in Berkeley Square, and the +plans of the elevation of Ballybarry Castle, the ancestral residence of +Barry Lyndon, Esq., with the projected improvements, in which the castle +was represented as about the size of Windsor, with more ornaments to +the architecture; and eight hundred acres of bog falling in handy, I +purchased them at three pounds an acre, so that my estate upon the map +looked to be no insignificant one. [Footnote: On the strength of this +estate, and pledging his honour that it was not mortgaged, Mr. Barry +Lyndon borrowed L17,000 in the year 1786, from young Captain Pigeon, the +city merchant's son, who had just come in for his property. At for the +Polwellan estate and mines, 'the cause of endless litigation,' it must +be owned that our hero purchased them; but he never paid more than the +first L5000 of the purchase-money. Hence the litigation of which he +complains, and the famous Chancery suit of 'Trecothick v. Lyndon,' in +which Mr. John Scott greatly distinguished himself.-ED.] + +I also in this year made arrangements for purchasing the Polwellan +estate and mines in Cornwall from Sir John Trecothick, for L70,000--an +imprudent bargain, which was afterwards the cause to me of much dispute +and litigation. The troubles of property, the rascality of agents, the +quibbles of lawyers, are endless. Humble people envy us great men, and +fancy that our lives are all pleasure. Many a time in the course of my +prosperity I have sighed for the days of my meanest fortune, and envied +the boon companions at my table, with no clothes to their backs but +such as my credit supplied them, without a guinea but what came from +my pocket; but without one of the harassing cares and responsibilities +which are the dismal adjuncts of great rank and property. + +I did little more than make my appearance, and assume the command of my +estates, in the kingdom of Ireland; rewarding generously those persons +who had been kind to me in my former adversities, and taking my fitting +place among the aristocracy of the land. But, in truth, I had small +inducements to remain in it after having tasted of the genteeler and +more complete pleasures of English and Continental life; and we passed +our summers at Buxton, Bath, and Harrogate, while Hackton Castle was +being beautified in the elegant manner already described by me, and the +season at our mansion in Berkeley Square. + +It is wonderful how the possession of wealth brings out the virtues of +a man; or, at any rate, acts as a varnish or lustre to them, and +brings out their brilliancy and colour in a manner never known when the +individual stood in the cold grey atmosphere of poverty. I assure you it +was a very short time before I was a pretty fellow of the first class; +made no small sensation at the coffee-houses in Pall Mall and +afterwards at the most famous clubs. My style, equipages, and elegant +entertainments were in everybody's mouth, and were described in all the +morning prints. The needier part of Lady Lyndon's relatives, and such as +had been offended by the intolerable pomposity of old Tiptoff, began to +appear at our routs and assemblies; and as for relations of my own, I +found in London and Ireland more than I had ever dreamed of, of cousins +who claimed affinity with me. There were, of course, natives of my own +country (of which I was not particularly proud), and I received visits +from three or four swaggering shabby Temple bucks, with tarnished lace +and Tipperary brogue, who were eating their way to the bar in London; +from several gambling adventurers at the watering-places, whom I soon +speedily let to know their place; and from others of more reputable +condition. Among them I may mention my cousin the Lord Kilbarry, who, on +the score of his relationship, borrowed thirty pieces from me to pay his +landlady in Swallow Street; and whom, for my own reasons, I allowed to +maintain and credit a connection for which the Heralds' College gave no +authority whatsoever. Kilbarry had a cover at my table; punted at play, +and paid when he liked, which was seldom; had an intimacy with, and was +under considerable obligations to, my tailor; and always boasted of his +cousin the great Barry Lyndon of the West country. + +Her Ladyship and I lived, after a while, pretty separate when in London. +She preferred quiet: or to say the truth, I preferred it; being a great +friend to a modest tranquil behaviour in woman, and a taste for the +domestic pleasures. Hence I encouraged her to dine at home with her +ladies, her chaplain, and a few of her friends; admitted three or four +proper and discreet persons to accompany her to her box at the opera or +play on proper occasions; and indeed declined for her the too frequent +visits of her friends and family, preferring to receive them only twice +or thrice in a season on our grand reception days. Besides, she was a +mother, and had great comfort in the dressing, educating, and dandling +our little Bryan, for whose sake it was fit that she should give up the +pleasures and frivolities of the world; so she left THAT part of the +duty of every family of distinction to be performed by me. To say the +truth, Lady Lyndon's figure and appearance were not at this time such as +to make for their owner any very brilliant appearance in the fashionable +world. She had grown very fat, was short-sighted, pale in complexion, +careless about her dress, dull in demeanour; her conversations with +me characterised by a stupid despair, or a silly blundering attempt at +forced cheerfulness still more disagreeable: hence our intercourse was +but trifling, and my temptations to carry her into the world, or to +remain in her society, of necessity exceedingly small. She would try my +temper at home, too, in a thousand ways. When requested by me (often, +I own, rather roughly) to entertain the company with conversation, wit, +and learning, of which she was a mistress: or music, of which she was +an accomplished performer, she would as often as not begin to cry, and +leave the room. My company from this, of course, fancied I was a tyrant +over her; whereas I was only a severe and careful guardian over a silly, +bad-tempered, and weak-minded lady. + +She was luckily very fond of her youngest son, and through him I had a +wholesome and effectual hold of her; for if in any of her tantrums or +fits of haughtiness--(this woman was intolerably proud; and repeatedly, +at first, in our quarrels, dared to twit me with my own original poverty +and low birth),--if, I say, in our disputes she pretended to have the +upper hand, to assert her authority against mine, to refuse to sign such +papers as I might think necessary for the distribution of our large and +complicated property, I would have Master Bryan carried off to Chiswick +for a couple of days; and I warrant me his lady-mother could hold out +no longer, and would agree to anything I chose to propose. The servants +about her I took care should be in my pay, not hers: especially the +child's head nurse was under MY orders, not those of my lady; and a very +handsome, red-cheeked, impudent jade she was; and a great fool she made +me make of myself. This woman was more mistress of the house than the +poor-spirited lady who owned it. She gave the law to the servants; and +if I showed any particular attention to any of the ladies who visited +us, the slut would not scruple to show her jealousy, and to find means +to send them packing. The fact is, a generous man is always made a fool +of by some woman or other, and this one had such an influence over me +that she could turn me round her finger. [Footnote: From these curious +confessions, it would appear that Mr. Lyndon maltreated his lady in +every possible way; that he denied her society, bullied her into +signing away her property, spent it in gambling and taverns, was openly +unfaithful to her; and, when she complained, threatened to remove her +children from her. Nor, indeed, is he the only husband who has done +the like, and has passed for 'nobody's enemy but his own:' a jovial +good-natured fellow. The world contains scores of such amiable people; +and, indeed, it is because justice has not been done them that we +have edited this autobiography. Had it been that of a mere hero of +romance--one of those heroic youths who figure in the novels of Scott +and James--there would have been no call to introduce the reader to a +personage already so often and so charmingly depicted. Mr. Barry Lyndon +is not, we repeat, a hero of the common pattern; but let the reader look +round, and ask himself, Do not as many rogues succeed in life as honest +men? more fools than men of talent? And is it not just that the lives of +this class should be described by the student of human nature as well +as the actions of those fairy-tale princes, those perfect impossible +heroes, whom our writers love to describe? There is something naive +and simple in that time-honoured style of novel-writing by which Prince +Prettyman, at the end of his adventures, is put in possession of every +worldly prosperity, as he has been endowed with every mental and bodily +excellence previously. The novelist thinks that he can do no more for +his darling hero than make him a lord. Is it not a poor standard that, +of the summum bonum? The greatest good in life is not to be a lord; +perhaps not even to be happy. Poverty, illness, a humpback, may be +rewards and conditions of good, as well as that bodily prosperity which +all of us unconsciously set up for worship. But this is a subject for +an essay, not a note; and it is best to allow Mr. Lyndon to resume the +candid and ingenious narrative of his virtues and defects.] + +Her infernal temper (Mrs. Stammer was the jade's name) and my wife's +moody despondency, made my house and home not over-pleasant: hence I was +driven a good deal abroad, where, as play was the fashion at every club, +tavern, and assembly, I, of course, was obliged to resume my old habit, +and to commence as an amateur those games at which I was once unrivalled +in Europe. But whether a man's temper changes with prosperity, or his +skill leaves him when, deprived of a confederate, and pursuing the game +no longer professionally, he joins in it, like the rest of the world, +for pastime, I know not; but certain it is, that in the seasons of +1774-75 I lost much money at 'White's' and the 'Cocoa-Tree,' and +was compelled to meet my losses by borrowing largely upon my wife's +annuities, insuring her Ladyship's life, and so forth. The terms at +which I raised these necessary sums and the outlays requisite for my +improvements were, of course, very onerous, and clipped the property +considerably; and it was some of these papers which my Lady Lyndon (who +was of a narrow, timid, and stingy turn) occasionally refused to sign: +until I PERSUADED her, as I have before shown. + +My dealings on the turf ought to be mentioned, as forming part of my +history at this time; but, in truth, I have no particular pleasure +in recalling my Newmarket doings. I was infernally bit and bubbled in +almost every one of my transactions there; and though I could ride +a horse as well as any man in England, was no match with the English +noblemen at backing him. Fifteen years after my horse, Bay Bulow, by +Sophy Hardcastle, out of Eclipse, lost the Newmarket stakes, for which +he was the first favourite, I found that a noble earl, who shall be +nameless, had got into his stable the morning before he ran; and the +consequence was that an outside horse won, and your humble servant was +out to the amount of fifteen thousand pounds. Strangers had no chance +in those days on the heath: and, though dazzled by the splendour and +fashion assembled there, and surrounded by the greatest persons of the +land,--the royal dukes, with their wives and splendid equipages; old +Grafton, with his queer bevy of company, and such men as Ancaster, +Sandwich, Lorn,--a man might have considered himself certain of fair +play and have been not a little proud of the society he kept; yet, I +promise you, that, exalted as it was, there was no set of men in Europe +who knew how to rob more genteelly, to bubble a stranger, to bribe +a jockey, to doctor a horse, or to arrange a betting-book. Even _I_ +couldn't stand against these accomplished gamesters of the highest +families in Europe. Was it my own want of style, or my want of fortune? +I know not. But now I was arrived at the height of my ambition, both +my skill and my luck seemed to be deserting me. Everything I touched +crumbled in my hand; every speculation I had failed, every agent I +trusted deceived me. I am, indeed, one of those born to make, and not to +keep fortunes; for the qualities and energy which lead a man to effect +the first are often the very causes of his ruin in the latter case: +indeed, I know of no other reason for the misfortunes which finally +befell me. [Footnote: The Memoirs seem to have been written about the +year 1814, in that calm retreat which Fortune had selected for the +author at the close of his life.] + +I had always a taste for men of letters, and perhaps, if the truth must +be told, have no objection to playing the fine gentleman and patron +among the wits. Such people are usually needy, and of low birth, and +have an instinctive awe and love of a gentleman and a laced coat; as all +must have remarked who have frequented their society. Mr. Reynolds, who +was afterwards knighted, and certainly the most elegant painter of +his day, was a pretty dexterous courtier of the wit tribe; and it was +through this gentleman, who painted a piece of me, Lady Lyndon, and +our little Bryan, which was greatly admired at the Exhibition (I +was represented as quitting my wife, in the costume of the Tippleton +Yeomanry, of which I was major; the child starting back from my helmet +like what-d'ye-call'im--Hector's son, as described by Mr. Pope in his +'Iliad'); it was through Mr. Reynolds that I was introduced to a score +of these gentlemen, and their great chief, Mr. Johnson. I always thought +their great chief a great bear. He drank tea twice or thrice at my +house, misbehaving himself most grossly; treating my opinions with no +more respect than those of a schoolboy, and telling me to mind my +horses and tailors, and not trouble myself about letters. His Scotch +bear-leader, Mr. Boswell, was a butt of the first quality. I never saw +such a figure as the fellow cut in what he called a Corsican habit, +at one of Mrs. Cornely's balls, at Carlisle House, Soho. But that +the stories connected with that same establishment are not the most +profitable tales in the world, I could tell tales of scores of queer +doings there. All the high and low demireps of the town gathered there, +from his Grace of Ancaster down to my countryman, poor Mr. Oliver +Goldsmith the poet, and from the Duchess of Kingston down to the Bird +of Paradise, or Kitty Fisher. Here I have met very queer characters, +who came to queer ends too: poor Hackman, that afterwards was hanged for +killing Miss Reay, and (on the sly) his Reverence Doctor Simony, whom +my friend Sam Foote, of the 'Little Theatre,' bade to live even after +forgery and the rope cut short the unlucky parson's career. + +It was a merry place, London, in those days, and that's the truth. I'm +writing now in my gouty old age, and people have grown vastly more moral +and matter-of-fact than they were at the close of the last century, when +the world was young with me. There was a difference between a gentleman +and a common fellow in those times. We wore silk and embroidery then. +Now every man has the same coachmanlike look in his belcher and caped +coat, and there is no outward difference between my Lord and his groom. +Then it took a man of fashion a couple of hours to make his toilette, +and he could show some taste and genius in the selecting it. What a +blaze of splendour was a drawing-room, or an opera, of a gala night! +What sums of money were lost and won at the delicious faro-table! My +gilt curricle and out-riders, blazing in green and gold, were very +different objects from the equipages you see nowadays in the ring, with +the stunted grooms behind them. A man could drink four times as much as +the milksops nowadays can swallow; but 'tis useless expatiating on this +theme. Gentlemen are dead and gone. The fashion has now turned upon your +soldiers and sailors, and I grow quite moody and sad when I think of +thirty years ago. + +This is a chapter devoted to reminiscences of what was a very happy +and splendid time with me, but presenting little of mark in the way of +adventure; as is generally the case when times are happy and easy. It +would seem idle to fill pages with accounts of the every-day occupations +of a man of fashion,--the fair ladies who smiled upon him, the dresses +he wore, the matches he played, and won or lost. At this period of time, +when youngsters are employed cutting the Frenchmen's throats in Spain +and France, lying out in bivouacs, and feeding off commissariat beef and +biscuit, they would not understand what a life their ancestors led; and +so I shall leave further discourse upon the pleasures of the times when +even the Prince was a lad in leading-strings, when Charles Fox had not +subsided into a mere statesman, and Buonaparte was a beggarly brat in +his native island. + +Whilst these improvements were going on in my estates,--my house, from +an antique Norman castle, being changed to an elegant Greek temple, +or palace--my gardens and woods losing their rustic appearance to be +adapted to the most genteel French style--my child growing up at his +mother's knees, and my influence in the country increasing,--it must +not be imagined that I stayed in Devonshire all this while, and that I +neglected to make visits to London, and my various estates in England +and Ireland. + +I went to reside at the Trecothick estate and the Polwellan Wheal, where +I found, instead of profit, every kind of pettifogging chicanery; I +passed over in state to our territories in Ireland, where I entertained +the gentry in a style the Lord Lieutenant himself could not equal; gave +the fashion to Dublin (to be sure it was a beggarly savage city in those +days; and, since the time there has been a pother about the Union, and +the misfortunes attending it, I have been at a loss to account for the +mad praises of the old order of things, which the fond Irish patriots +have invented); I say I set the fashion to Dublin; and small praise to +me, for a poor place it was in those times, whatever the Irish party may +say. + +In a former chapter I have given you a description of it. It was +the Warsaw of our part of the world: there was a splendid, ruined, +half-civilised nobility, ruling over a half-savage population. I say +half-savage advisedly. The commonalty in the streets were wild, unshorn, +and in rags. The most public places were not safe after nightfall. +The College, the public buildings, and the great gentry's houses were +splendid (the latter unfinished for the most part); but the people were +in a state more wretched than any vulgar I have ever known: the exercise +of their religion was only half allowed to them; their clergy were +forced to be educated out of the country; their aristocracy was quite +distinct from them; there was a Protestant nobility, and in the towns, +poor insolent Protestant corporations, with a bankrupt retinue of +mayors, aldermen, and municipal officers--all of whom figured in +addresses and had the public voice in the country; but there was no +sympathy and connection between the upper and the lower people of +the Irish. To one who had been bred so much abroad as myself, this +difference between Catholic and Protestant was doubly striking; +and though as firm as a rock in my own faith, yet I could not help +remembering my grandfather held a different one, and wondering that +there should be such a political difference between the two. I passed +among my neighbours for a dangerous leveller, for entertaining and +expressing such opinions, and especially for asking the priest of the +parish to my table at Castle Lyndon. He was a gentleman, educated +at Salamanca, and, to my mind, a far better bred and more agreeable +companion than his comrade the rector, who had but a dozen Protestants +for his congregation; who was a lord's son, to be sure, but he could +hardly spell, and the great field of his labours was in the kennel and +cockpit. + +I did not extend and beautify the house of Castle Lyndon as I had done +our other estates, but contented myself with paying an occasional visit +there; exercising an almost royal hospitality, and keeping open house +during my stay. When absent, I gave to my aunt, the widow Brady, and her +six unmarried daughters (although they always detested me), permission +to inhabit the place; my mother preferring my new mansion of Barryogue. + +And as my Lord Bullingdon was by this time grown excessively tall +and troublesome, I determined to leave him under the care of a proper +governor in Ireland, with Mrs. Brady and her six daughters to take care +of him; and he was welcome to fall in love with all the old ladies if he +were so minded, and thereby imitate his stepfather's example. When tired +of Castle Lyndon, his Lordship was at liberty to go and reside at my +house with my mamma; but there was no love lost between him and her, +and, on account of my son Bryan, I think she hated him as cordially as +ever I myself could possibly do. + +The county of Devon is not so lucky as the neighbouring county of +Cornwall, and has not the share of representatives which the latter +possesses; where I have known a moderate country gentleman, with a +few score of hundreds per annum from his estate, treble his income by +returning three or four Members to Parliament, and by the influence with +Ministers which these seats gave him. The parliamentary interest of the +house of Lyndon had been grossly neglected during my wife's minority, +and the incapacity of the Earl her father; or, to speak more correctly, +it had been smuggled away from the Lyndon family altogether by the +adroit old hypocrite of Tiptoff Castle, who acted as most kinsmen and +guardians do by their wards and relatives, and robbed them. The Marquess +of Tiptoff returned four Members to Parliament: two for the borough of +Tippleton, which, as all the world knows, lies at the foot of our estate +of Hackton, bounded on the other side by Tiptoff Park. For time out +of mind we had sent Members for that borough, until Tiptoff, taking +advantage of the late lord's imbecility, put in his own nominees. When +his eldest son became of age, of course my Lord was to take his seat for +Tippleton; when Rigby (Nabob Rigby, who made his fortune under Clive in +India) died, the Marquess thought fit to bring down his second son, my +Lord George Poynings, to whom I have introduced the reader in a former +chapter, and determined, in his high mightiness, that he too should go +in and swell the ranks of the Opposition--the big old Whigs, with whom +the Marquess acted. + +Rigby had been for some time in an ailing condition previous to his +demise, and you may be sure that the circumstance of his failing health +had not been passed over by the gentry of the county, who were staunch +Government men for the most part, and hated my Lord Tiptoff's principles +as dangerous and ruinous, 'We have been looking out for a man to fight +against him,' said the squires to me; 'we can only match Tiptoff out +of Hackton Castle. You, Mr. Lyndon, are our man, and at the next county +election we will swear to bring you in.' + +I hated the Tiptoffs so, that I would have fought them at any election. +They not only would not visit at Hackton, but declined to receive those +who visited us; they kept the women of the county from receiving +my wife: they invented half the wild stories of my profligacy and +extravagance with which the neighbourhood was entertained; they said +I had frightened my wife into marriage, and that she was a lost woman; +they hinted that Bullingdon's life was not secure under my roof, that +his treatment was odious, and that I wanted to put him out of the way +to make place for Bryan my son. I could scarce have a friend to Hackton, +but they counted the bottles drunk at my table. They ferreted out my +dealings with my lawyers and agents. If a creditor was unpaid, every +item of his bill was known at Tiptoff Hall; if I looked at a farmer's +daughter, it was said I had ruined her. My faults are many, I confess, +and as a domestic character, I can't boast of any particular regularity +or temper; but Lady Lyndon and I did not quarrel more than fashionable +people do, and, at first, we always used to make it up pretty well. I +am a man full of errors, certainly, but not the devil that these odious +backbiters at Tiptoff represented me to be. For the first three years +I never struck my wife but when I was in liquor. When I flung the +carving-knife at Bullingdon I was drunk, as everybody present can +testify; but as for having any systematic scheme against the poor lad, +I can declare solemnly that, beyond merely hating him (and one's +inclinations are not in one's power), I am guilty of no evil towards +him. + +I had sufficient motives, then, for enmity against the Tiptoffs, and am +not a man to let a feeling of that kind lie inactive. Though a Whig, +or, perhaps, because a Whig, the Marquess was one of the haughtiest +men breathing, and treated commoners as his idol the great Earl used to +treat them--after he came to a coronet himself--as so many low vassals, +who might be proud to lick his shoe-buckle. When the Tippleton mayor and +corporation waited upon him, he received them covered, never offered Mr. +Mayor a chair, but retired when the refreshments were brought, or had +them served to the worshipful aldermen in the steward's room. These +honest Britons never rebelled against such treatment, until instructed +to do so by my patriotism. No, the dogs liked to be bullied; and, in the +course of a long experience, I have met with but very few Englishmen who +are not of their way of thinking. + +It was not until I opened their eyes that they knew their degradation. +I invited the Mayor to Hackton, and Mrs. Mayoress (a very buxom pretty +groceress she was, by the way) I made sit by my wife, and drove them +both out to the races in my curricle. Lady Lyndon fought very hard +against this condescension; but I had a way with her, as the saying is, +and though she had a temper, yet I had a better one. A temper, psha! A +wild-cat has a temper, but a keeper can get the better of it; and I know +very few women in the world whom I could not master. + +Well, I made much of the mayor and corporation; sent them bucks for +their dinners, or asked them to mine; made a point of attending their +assemblies, dancing with their wives and daughters, going through, in +short, all the acts of politeness which are necessary on such occasions: +and though old Tiptoff must have seen my goings on, yet his head was +so much in the clouds, that he never once condescended to imagine his +dynasty could be overthrown in his own town of Tippleton, and issued +his mandates as securely as if he had been the Grand Turk, and the +Tippletonians no better than so many slaves of his will. + +Every post which brought us any account of Rigby's increasing illness, +was the sure occasion of a dinner from me; so much so, that my friends +of the hunt used to laugh and say, 'Rigby's worse; there's a corporation +dinner at Hackton.' + +It was in 1776, when the American war broke out, that I came into +Parliament. My Lord Chatham, whose wisdom his party in those days used +to call superhuman, raised his oracular voice in the House of Peers +against the American contest; and my countryman, Mr. Burke--a great +philosopher, but a plaguy long-winded orator--was the champion of the +rebels in the Commons--where, however, thanks to British patriotism, he +could get very few to back him. Old Tiptoff would have sworn black was +white if the great Earl had bidden him; and he made his son give up his +commission in the Guards, in imitation of my Lord Pitt, who resigned his +ensigncy rather than fight against what he called his American brethren. + +But this was a height of patriotism extremely little relished in +England, where, ever since the breaking out of hostilities, our people +hated the Americans heartily; and where, when we heard of the fight of +Lexington, and the glorious victory of Bunker's Hill (as we used to call +it in those days), the nation flushed out in its usual hot-headed anger. +The talk was all against the philosophers after that, and the people +were most indomitably loyal. It was not until the land-tax was +increased, that the gentry began to grumble a little; but still my party +in the West was very strong against the Tiptoffs, and I determined to +take the field and win as usual. + +The old Marquess neglected every one of the decent precautions which are +requisite in a parliamentary campaign. He signified to the corporation +and freeholders his intention of presenting his son, Lord George, and +his desire that the latter should be elected their burgess; but he +scarcely gave so much as a glass of beer to whet the devotedness of his +adherents: and I, as I need not say, engaged every tavern in Tippleton +in my behalf. + +There is no need to go over the twenty-times-told tale of an election. I +rescued the borough of Tippleton from the hands of Lord Tiptoff and his +son, Lord George. I had a savage sort of satisfaction, too, in forcing +my wife (who had been at one time exceedingly smitten by her kinsman, +as I have already related) to take part against him, and to wear and +distribute my colours when the day of election came. And when we spoke +at one another, I told the crowd that I had beaten Lord George in +love, that I had beaten him in war, and that I would now beat him in +Parliament; and so I did, as the event proved: for, to the inexpressible +anger of the old Marquess, Barry Lyndon, Esquire, was returned member of +Parliament for Tippleton, in place of John Rigby, Esquire, deceased; and +I threatened him at the next election to turn him out of BOTH his seats, +and went to attend my duties in Parliament. + +It was then I seriously determined on achieving for myself the Irish +peerage, to be enjoyed after me by my beloved son and heir. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. MY GOOD FORTUNE BEGINS TO WAVER + +And now, if any people should be disposed to think my history immoral +(for I have heard some assert that I was a man who never deserved that +so much prosperity should fall to my share), I will beg those cavillers +to do me the favour to read the conclusion of my adventures; when they +will see it was no such great prize that I had won, and that wealth, +splendour, thirty thousand per annum, and a seat in Parliament, are +often purchased at too dear a rate, when one has to buy those enjoyments +at the price of personal liberty, and saddled with the charge of a +troublesome wife. + +They are the deuce, these troublesome wives, and that is the truth. No +man knows until he tries how wearisome and disheartening the burthen of +one of them is, and how the annoyance grows and strengthens from year +to year, and the courage becomes weaker to bear it; so that that trouble +which seemed light and trivial the first year, becomes intolerable +ten years after. I have heard of one of the classical fellows in the +dictionary who began by carrying a calf up a hill every day, and so +continued until the animal grew to be a bull, which he still easily +accommodated upon his shoulders; but take my word for it, young +unmarried gentlemen, a wife is a very much harder pack to the back than +the biggest heifer in Smithfield and, if I can prevent one of you from +marrying, the 'Memoirs of Barry Lyndon, Esq.' will not be written in +vain. Not that my Lady was a scold or a shrew, as some wives are; I +could have managed to have cured her of that; but she was of a cowardly, +crying, melancholy, maudlin temper, which is to me still more odious: +do what one would to please her, she would never be happy or in +good-humour. I left her alone after a while; and because, as was natural +in my case, where a disagreeable home obliged me to seek amusement and +companions abroad, she added a mean detestable jealousy to all her other +faults: I could not for some time pay the commonest attention to any +other woman, but my Lady Lyndon must weep, and wring her hands, and +threaten to commit suicide, and I know not what. + +Her death would have been no comfort to me, as I leave any person of +common prudence to imagine; for that scoundrel of a young Bullingdon +(who was now growing up a tall, gawky, swarthy lad, and about to become +my greatest plague and annoyance) would have inherited every penny of +the property, and I should have been left considerably poorer even than +when I married the widow: for I spent my personal fortune as well as the +lady's income in the keeping up of our rank, and was always too much a +man of honour and spirit to save a penny of Lady Lyndon's income. Let +this be flung in the teeth of my detractors, who say I never could have +so injured the Lyndon property had I not been making a private purse for +myself; and who believe that, even in my present painful situation, I +have hoards of gold laid by somewhere, and could come out as a Croesus +when I choose. I never raised a shilling upon Lady Lyndon's property but +I spent it like a man of honour; besides incurring numberless personal +obligations for money, which all went to the common stock. Independent +of the Lyndon mortgages and incumbrances, I owe myself at least one +hundred and twenty thousand pounds, which I spent while in occupancy of +my wife's estate; so that I may justly say that property is indebted to +me in the above-mentioned sum. + +Although I have described the utter disgust and distaste which speedily +took possession of my breast as regarded Lady Lyndon; and although I +took no particular pains (for I am all frankness and above-board) to +disguise my feelings in general, yet she was of such a mean spirit, that +she pursued me with her regard in spite of my indifference to her, and +would kindle up at the smallest kind word I spoke to her. The fact is, +between my respected reader and myself, that I was one of the handsomest +and most dashing young men of England in those days, and my wife was +violently in love with me; and though I say it who shouldn't, as the +phrase goes, my wife was not the only woman of rank in London who had a +favourable opinion of the humble Irish adventurer. What a riddle these +women are, I have often thought! I have seen the most elegant creatures +at St. James's grow wild for love of the coarsest and most vulgar of +men; the cleverest women passionately admire the most illiterate of +our sex, and so on. There is no end to the contrariety in the foolish +creatures; and though I don't mean to hint that _I_ am vulgar or +illiterate, as the persons mentioned above (I would cut the throat of +any man who dared to whisper a word against my birth or my breeding), +yet I have shown that Lady Lyndon had plenty of reason to dislike me +if she chose: but, like the rest of her silly sex, she was governed +by infatuation, not reason; and, up to the very last day of our being +together, would be reconciled to me, and fondle me, if I addressed her a +single kind word. + +'Ah,' she would say, in these moments of tenderness--'Ah, REDMOND, if +you would always be so!' And in these fits of love she was the most easy +creature in the world to be persuaded, and would have signed away her +whole property, had it been possible. And, I must confess, it was +with very little attention on my part that I could bring her into +good-humour. To walk with her on the Mall, or at Ranelagh, to attend her +to church at St. James's, to purchase any little present or trinket for +her, was enough to coax her. Such is female inconsistency! The next +day she would be calling me 'Mr. Barry' probably, and be bemoaning her +miserable fate that she ever should have been united to such a monster. +So it was she was pleased to call one of the most brilliant men in His +Majesty's three kingdoms: and I warrant me OTHER ladies had a much more +flattering opinion of me. + +Then she would threaten to leave me; but I had a hold of her in the +person of her son, of whom she was passionately fond: I don't know +why, for she had always neglected Bullingdon her older son, and never +bestowed a thought upon his health, his welfare, or his education. + +It was our young boy, then, who formed the great bond of union between +me and her Ladyship; and there was no plan of ambition I could propose +in which she would not join for the poor lad's behoof, and no expense +she would not eagerly incur, if it might by any means be shown to tend +to his advancement. I can tell you, bribes were administered, and in +high places too,--so near the royal person of His Majesty, that you +would be astonished were I to mention what great personages condescended +to receive our loans. I got from the English and Irish heralds a +description and detailed pedigree of the Barony of Barryogue, and +claimed respectfully to be reinstated in my ancestral titles, and also +to be rewarded with the Viscounty of Ballybarry. 'This head would become +a coronet,' my Lady would sometimes say, in her fond moments, smoothing +down my hair; and, indeed, there is many a puny whipster in their +Lordships' house who has neither my presence nor my courage, my +pedigree, nor any of my merits. + +The striving after this peerage I considered to have been one of +the most unlucky of all my unlucky dealings at this period. I made +unheard-of sacrifices to bring it about. I lavished money here and +diamonds there. I bought lands at ten times their value; purchased +pictures and articles of vertu at ruinous prices. I gave repeated +entertainments to those friends to my claims who, being about the Royal +person, were likely to advance it. I lost many a bet to the Royal Dukes +His Majesty's brothers; but let these matters be forgotten, and, +because of my private injuries, let me not be deficient in loyalty to my +Sovereign. + +The only person in this transaction whom I shall mention openly, is that +old scamp and swindler, Gustavus Adolphus, thirteenth Earl of Crabs. +This nobleman was one of the gentlemen of His Majesty's closet, and one +with whom the revered monarch was on terms of considerable intimacy. A +close regard had sprung up between them in the old King's time; when +His Royal Highness, playing at battledore and shuttlecock with the young +lord on the landing-place of the great staircase at Kew, in some moment +of irritation the Prince of Wales kicked the young Earl downstairs, who, +falling, broke his leg. The Prince's hearty repentance for his violence +caused him to ally himself closely with the person whom he had injured; +and when His Majesty came to the throne there was no man, it is said, of +whom the Earl of Bute was so jealous as of my Lord Crabs. The latter was +poor and extravagant, and Bute got him out of the way, by sending him +on the Russian and other embassies; but on this favourite's dismissal, +Crabs sped back from the Continent, and was appointed almost immediately +to a place about His Majesty's person. + +It was with this disreputable nobleman that I contracted an unluckly +intimacy; when, fresh and unsuspecting, I first established myself in +town, after my marriage with Lady Lyndon: and, as Crabs was really one +of the most entertaining fellows in the world, I took a sincere pleasure +in his company; besides the interesting desire I had in cultivating the +society of a man who was so near the person of the highest personage in +the realm. + +To hear the fellow, you would fancy that there was scarce any +appointment made in which he had not a share. He told me, for instance, +of Charles Fox being turned out of his place a day before poor Charley +himself was aware of the fact. He told me when the Howes were coming +back from America, and who was to succeed to the command there. Not +to multiply instances, it was upon this person that I fixed my chief +reliance for the advancement of my claim to the Barony of Barryogue and +the Viscounty which I proposed to get. + +One of the main causes of expense which this ambition of mine entailed +upon me was the fitting out and arming a company of infantry from the +Castle Lyndon and Hackton estates in Ireland, which I offered to my +gracious Sovereign for the campaign against the American rebels. These +troops, superbly equipped and clothed, were embarked at Portsmouth in +the year 1778; and the patriotism of the gentleman who had raised them +was so acceptable at Court, that, on being presented by my Lord North, +His Majesty condescended to notice me particularly, and said, 'That's +right, Mr. Lyndon, raise another company; and go with them, too!' But +this was by no means, as the reader may suppose, to my notions. A man +with thirty thousand pounds per annum is a fool to risk his life like a +common beggar: and on this account I have always admired the conduct of +my friend Jack Bolter, who had been a most active and resolute cornet +of horse, and, as such, engaged in every scrape and skirmish which could +fall to his lot; but just before the battle of Minden he received news +that his uncle, the great army contractor, was dead, and had left him +five thousand per annum. Jack that instant applied for leave; and, as +it was refused him on the eve of a general action, my gentleman took it, +and never fired a pistol again: except against an officer who questioned +his courage, and whom he winged in such a cool and determined manner, as +showed all the world that it was from prudence and a desire of enjoying +his money, not from cowardice, that he quitted the profession of arms. + +When this Hackton company was raised, my stepson, who was now sixteen +years of age, was most eager to be allowed to join it, and I would have +gladly consented to have been rid of the young man; but his guardian, +Lord Tiptoff, who thwarted me in everything, refused his permission, and +the lad's military inclinations were balked. If he could have gone on +the expedition, and a rebel rifle had put an end to him, I believe, to +tell the truth, I should not have been grieved over-much; and I should +have had the pleasure of seeing my other son the heir to the estate +which his father had won with so much pains. + +The education of this young nobleman had been, I confess, some of the +loosest; and perhaps the truth is, I DID neglect the brat. He was of +so wild, savage, and insubordinate a nature, that I never had the least +regard for him; and before me and his mother, at least, was so moody and +dull, that I thought instruction thrown away upon him, and left him for +the most part to shift for himself. For two whole years he remained +in Ireland away from us; and when in England, we kept him mainly at +Hackton, never caring to have the uncouth ungainly lad in the genteel +company in the capital in which we naturally mingled. My own poor boy, +on the contrary, was the most polite and engaging child ever seen: it +was a pleasure to treat him with kindness and distinction; and before he +was five years old, the little fellow was the pink of fashion, beauty, +and good breeding. + +In fact he could not have been otherwise, with the care both his parents +bestowed upon him, and the attentions that were lavished upon him in +every way. When he was four years old, I quarrelled with the English +nurse who had attended upon him, and about whom my wife had been so +jealous, and procured for him a French gouvernante, who had lived with +families of the first quality in Paris; and who, of course, must set my +Lady Lyndon jealous too. Under the care of this young woman my little +rogue learned to chatter French most charmingly. It would have done your +heart good to hear the dear rascal swear Mort de ma vie! and to see +him stamp his little foot, and send the manants and canaille of the +domestics to the trente mille diables. He was precocious in all things: +at a very early age he would mimic everybody; at five, he would sit at +table, and drink his glass of champagne with the best of us; and his +nurse would teach him little French catches, and the last Parisian songs +of Vade and Collard,--pretty songs they were too; and would make such +of his hearers as understood French burst with laughing, and, I promise +you, scandalise some of the old dowagers who were admitted into the +society of his mamma: not that there were many of them; for I did not +encourage the visits of what you call respectable people to Lady Lyndon. +They are sad spoilers of sport,--tale-bearers, envious narrow-minded +people; making mischief between man and wife. Whenever any of these +grave personages in hoops and high heels used to make their appearance +at Hackton, or in Berkeley Square, it was my chief pleasure to frighten +them off; and I would make my little Bryan dance, sing, and play the +diable a quatre, and aid him myself, so as to scare the old frumps. + +I never shall forget the solemn remonstrances of our old square-toes of +a rector at Hackton, who made one or two vain attempts to teach little +Bryan Latin, and with whose innumerable children I sometimes allowed the +boy to associate. They learned some of Bryan's French songs from him, +which their mother, a poor soul who understood pickles and custards much +better than French, used fondly to encourage them in singing; but which +their father one day hearing, he sent Miss Sarah to her bedroom and +bread and water for a week, and solemnly horsed Master Jacob in the +presence of all his brothers and sisters, and of Bryan, to whom he hoped +that flogging would act as a warning. But my little rogue kicked and +plunged at the old parson's shins until he was obliged to get his sexton +to hold him down, and swore, corbleu, morbleu, ventrebleu, that his +young friend Jacob should not be maltreated. After this scene, his +reverence forbade Bryan the rectory-house; on which I swore that his +eldest son, who was bringing up for the ministry, should never have the +succession of the living of Hackton, which I had thoughts of bestowing +on him; and his father said, with a canting hypocritical air, which +I hate, that Heaven's will must be done; that he would not have his +children disobedient or corrupted for the sake of a bishopric, and wrote +me a pompous and solemn letter, charged with Latin quotations, taking +farewell of me and my house. 'I do so with regret,' added the old +gentleman, 'for I have received so many kindnesses from the Hackton +family that it goes to my heart to be disunited from them. My poor, I +fear, may suffer in consequence of my separation from you, and my being +hence-forward unable to bring to your notice instances of distress +and affliction; which, when they were known to you, I will do you the +justice to say, your generosity was always prompt to relieve.' + +There may have been some truth in this, for the old gentleman was +perpetually pestering me with petitions, and I know for a certainty, +from his own charities, was often without a shilling in his pocket; +but I suspect the good dinners at Hackton had a considerable share in +causing his regrets at the dissolution of our intimacy: and I know +that his wife was quite sorry to forego the acquaintance of Bryan's +gouvernante, Mademoiselle Louison, who had all the newest French +fashions at her fingers' ends, and who never went to the rectory but you +would see the girls of the family turn out in new sacks or mantles the +Sunday after. + +I used to punish the old rebel by snoring very loud in my pew on Sundays +during sermon-time; and I got a governor presently for Bryan, and a +chaplain of my own, when he became of age sufficient to be separated +from the women's society and guardianship. His English nurse I married +to my head gardener, with a handsome portion; his French gouvernante I +bestowed upon my faithful German Fritz, not forgetting the dowry in the +latter instance; and they set up a French dining-house in Soho, and I +believe at the time I write they are richer in the world's goods than +their generous and free-handed master. + +For Bryan I now got a young gentleman from Oxford, the Rev. Edmund +Lavender, who was commissioned to teach him Latin, when the boy was +in the humour, and to ground him in history, grammar, and the other +qualifications of a gentleman. Lavender was a precious addition to our +society at Hackton. He was the means of making a deal of fun there. He +was the butt of all our jokes, and bore them with the most admirable and +martyrlike patience. He was one of that sort of men who would rather be +kicked by a great man than not be noticed by him; and I have often put +his wig into the fire in the face of the company, when he would laugh +at the joke as well as any man there. It was a delight to put him on +a high-mettled horse, and send him after the hounds,--pale, sweating, +calling on us, for Heaven's sake, to stop, and holding on for dear life +by the mane and the crupper. How it happened that the fellow was never +killed I know not; but I suppose hanging is the way in which HIS neck +will be broke. He never met with any accident, to speak of, in our +hunting-matches: but you were pretty sure to find him at dinner in his +place at the bottom of the table making the punch, whence he would be +carried off fuddled to bed before the night was over. Many a time have +Bryan and I painted his face black on those occasions. We put him into +a haunted room, and frightened his soul out of his body with ghosts; we +let loose cargoes of rats upon his bed; we cried fire, and filled his +boots with water; we cut the legs of his preaching-chair, and filled his +sermon-book with snuff. Poor Lavender bore it all with patience; and +at our parties, or when we came to London, was amply repaid by being +allowed to sit with the gentlefolks, and to fancy himself in the society +of men of fashion. It was good to hear the contempt with which he talked +about our rector. 'He has a son, sir, who is a servitor: and a servitor +at a small college,' he would say. 'How COULD you, my dear sir, think of +giving the reversion of Hackton to such a low-bred creature?' + +I should now speak of my other son, at least my Lady Lyndon's: I mean +the Viscount Bullingdon. I kept him in Ireland for some years, under the +guardianship of my mother, whom I had installed at Castle Lyndon; and +great, I promise you, was her state in that occupation, and prodigious +the good soul's splendour and haughty bearing. With all her oddities, +the Castle Lyndon estate was the best managed of all our possessions; +the rents were excellently paid, the charges of getting them in smaller +than they would have been under the management of any steward. It was +astonishing what small expenses the good widow incurred; although she +kept up the dignity of the TWO families, as she would say. She had a set +of domestics to attend upon the young lord; she never went out herself +but in an old gilt coach and six; the house was kept clean and tight; +the furniture and gardens in the best repair; and, in our occasional +visits to Ireland, we never found any house we visited in such good +condition as our own. There were a score of ready serving-lasses, +and half as many trim men about the castle; and everything in as fine +condition as the best housekeeper could make it. All this she did with +scarcely any charges to us: for she fed sheep and cattle in the parks, +and made a handsome profit of them at Ballinasloe; she supplied I don't +know how many towns with butter and bacon; and the fruit and vegetables +from the gardens of Castle Lyndon got the highest prices in Dublin +market. She had no waste in the kitchen, as there used to be in most of +our Irish houses; and there was no consumption of liquor in the cellars, +for the old lady drank water, and saw little or no company. All her +society was a couple of the girls of my ancient flame Nora Brady, now +Mrs. Quin; who with her husband had spent almost all their property, +and who came to see me once in London, looking very old, fat, and +slatternly, with two dirty children at her side. She wept very much when +she saw me, called me 'Sir,' and 'Mr. Lyndon,' at which I was not sorry, +and begged me to help her husband; which I did, getting him, through +my friend Lord Crabs, a place in the excise in Ireland, and paying the +passage of his family and himself to that country. I found him a dirty, +cast-down, snivelling drunkard; and, looking at poor Nora, could not but +wonder at the days when I had thought her a divinity. But if ever I have +had a regard for a woman, I remain through life her constant friend, +and could mention a thousand such instances of my generous and faithful +disposition. + +Young Bullingdon, however, was almost the only person with whom she was +concerned that my mother could not keep in order. The accounts she sent +me of him at first were such as gave my paternal heart considerable +pain. He rejected all regularity and authority. He would absent himself +for weeks from the house on sporting or other expeditions. He was when +at home silent and queer, refusing to make my mother's game at piquet of +evenings, but plunging into all sorts of musty old books, with which he +muddled his brains; more at ease laughing and chatting with the +pipers and maids in the servants' hall, than with the gentry in the +drawing-room; always cutting jibes and jokes at Mrs. Barry, at which +she (who was rather a slow woman at repartee) would chafe violently: in +fact, leading a life of insubordination and scandal. And, to crown +all, the young scapegrace took to frequenting the society of the Romish +priest of the parish--a threadbare rogue, from some Popish seminary in +France or Spain--rather than the company of the vicar of Castle Lyndon, +a gentleman of Trinity, who kept his hounds and drank his two bottles a +day. + +Regard for the lad's religion made me not hesitate then how I should act +towards him. If I have any principle which has guided me through life, +it has been respect for the Establishment, and a hearty scorn and +abhorrence of all other forms of belief. I therefore sent my French +body-servant, in the year 17--, to Dublin with a commission to bring +the young reprobate over; and the report brought to me was that he +had passed the whole of the last night of his stay in Ireland with his +Popish friend at the mass-house; that he and my mother had a violent +quarrel on the very last day; that, on the contrary, he kissed Biddy and +Dosy, her two nieces, who seemed very sorry that he should go; and that +being pressed to go and visit the rector, he absolutely refused, saying +he was a wicked old Pharisee, inside whose doors he would never set his +foot. The doctor wrote me a letter, warning me against the deplorable +errors of this young imp of perdition, as he called him; and I could see +that there was no love lost between them. But it appeared that, if not +agreeable to the gentry of the country, young Bullingdon had a huge +popularity among the common people. There was a regular crowd weeping +round the gate when his coach took its departure. Scores of the ignorant +savage wretches ran for miles along by the side of the chariot; and some +went even so far as to steal away before his departure, and appear +at the Pigeon-House at Dublin to bid him a last farewell. It was with +considerable difficulty that some of these people could be kept from +secreting themselves in the vessel, and accompanying their young lord to +England. + +To do the young scoundrel justice, when he came among us, he was a +manly noble-looking lad, and everything in his bearing and appearance +betokened the high blood from which he came. He was the very portrait +of some of the dark cavaliers of the Lyndon race, whose pictures hung +in the gallery at Hackton: where the lad was fond of spending the chief +part of his time, occupied with the musty old books which he took out of +the library, and which I hate to see a young man of spirit poring over. +Always in my company he preserved the most rigid silence, and a haughty +scornful demeanour; which was so much the more disagreeable because +there was nothing in his behaviour I could actually take hold of to find +fault with: although his whole conduct was insolent and supercilious to +the highest degree. His mother was very much agitated at receiving him +on his arrival; if he felt any such agitation he certainly did not show +it. He made her a very low and formal bow when he kissed her hand; and, +when I held out mine, put both his hands behind his back, stared me full +in the face, and bent his head, saying, 'Mr. Barry Lyndon, I believe;' +turned on his heel, and began talking about the state of the weather to +his mother, whom he always styled 'Your Ladyship.' She was angry at this +pert bearing, and, when they were alone, rebuked him sharply for not +shaking hands with his father. + +'My father, madam?' said he; 'surely you mistake. My father was the +Right Honourable Sir Charles Lyndon. _I_ at least have not forgotten +him, if others have.' It was a declaration of war to me, as I saw at +once; though I declare I was willing enough to have received the boy +well on his coming amongst us, and to have lived with him on terms of +friendliness. But as men serve me I serve them. Who can blame me for my +after-quarrels with this young reprobate, or lay upon my shoulders +the evils which afterwards befell? Perhaps I lost my temper, and my +subsequent treatment of him WAS hard. But it was he began the quarrel, +and not I; and the evil consequences which ensued were entirely of his +creating. + +As it is best to nip vice in the bud, and for a master of a family to +exercise his authority in such a manner as that there may be no question +about it, I took the earliest opportunity of coming to close quarters +with Master Bullingdon; and the day after his arrival among us, upon +his refusal to perform some duty which I requested of him, I had him +conveyed to my study, and thrashed him soundly. This process, I confess, +at first agitated me a good deal, for I had never laid a whip on a lord +before; but I got speedily used to the practice, and his back and my +whip became so well acquainted, that I warrant there was very little +CEREMONY between us after a while. + +If I were to repeat all the instances of the insubordination and brutal +conduct of young Bullingdon, I should weary the reader. His perseverance +in resistance was, I think, even greater than mine in correcting him: +for a man, be he ever so much resolved to do his duty as a parent, can't +be flogging his children all day, or for every fault they commit: and +though I got the character of being so cruel a stepfather to him, I +pledge my word I spared him correction when he merited it many more +times than I administered it. Besides, there were eight clear months +in the year when he was quit of me, during the time of my presence in +London, at my place in Parliament, and at the Court of my Sovereign. + +At this period I made no difficulty to allow him to profit by the +Latin and Greek of the old rector; who had christened him, and had a +considerable influence over the wayward lad. After a scene or a quarrel +between us, it was generally to the rectory-house that the young rebel +would fly for refuge and counsel; and I must own that the parson was a +pretty just umpire between us in our disputes. Once he led the boy +back to Hackton by the hand, and actually brought him into my presence, +although he had vowed never to enter the doors in my lifetime again, and +said, 'He had brought his Lordship to acknowledge his error, and submit +to any punishment I might think proper to inflict.' Upon which I caned +him in the presence of two or three friends of mine, with whom I was +sitting drinking at the time; and to do him justice, he bore a pretty +severe punishment without wincing or crying in the least. This will +show that I was not too severe in my treatment of the lad, as I had the +authority of the clergyman himself for inflicting the correction which I +thought proper. + +Twice or thrice, Lavender, Bryan's governor, attempted to punish my +Lord Bullingdon; but I promise you the rogue was too strong for HIM, +and levelled the Oxford man to the ground with a chair: greatly to the +delight of little Byran, who cried out, 'Bravo, Bully! thump him, thump +him!' And Bully certainly did, to the governor's heart's content; who +never attempted personal chastisement afterwards; but contented himself +by bringing the tales of his Lordship's misdoings to me, his natural +protector and guardian. + +With the child, Bullingdon was, strange to say, pretty tractable. He +took a liking for the little fellow,--as, indeed, everybody who saw that +darling boy did,--liked him the more, he said, because he was 'half +a Lyndon.' And well he might like him, for many a time, at the dear +angel's intercession of 'Papa, don't flog Bully to-day!' I have held my +hand, and saved him a horsing, which he richly deserved. + +With his mother, at first, he would scarcely deign to have any +communication. He said she was no longer one of the family. Why should +he love her, as she had never been a mother to him? But it will give +the reader an idea of the dogged obstinacy and surliness of the lad's +character, when I mention one trait regarding him. It has been made +a matter of complaint against me, that I denied him the education +befitting a gentleman, and never sent him to college or to school; but +the fact is, it was of his own choice that he went to neither. He +had the offer repeatedly from me (who wished to see as little of his +impudence as possible), but he as repeatedly declined; and, for a long +time, I could not make out what was the charm which kept him in a house +where he must have been far from comfortable. + +It came out, however, at last. There used to be very frequent disputes +between my Lady Lyndon and myself, in which sometimes she was wrong, +sometimes I was; and which, as neither of us had very angelical +tempers, used to run very high. I was often in liquor; and when in that +condition, what gentleman is master of himself? Perhaps I DID, in this +state, use my Lady rather roughly; fling a glass or two at her, and call +her by a few names that were not complimentary. I may have threatened +her life (which it was obviously my interest not to take), and have +frightened her, in a word, considerably. + +After one of these disputes, in which she ran screaming through the +galleries, and I, as tipsy as a lord, came staggering after, it appears +Bullingdon was attracted out of his room by the noise; as I came up +with her, the audacious rascal tripped up my heels, which were not very +steady, and catching his fainting mother in his arms, took her into his +own room; where he, upon her entreaty, swore he would never leave the +house as long as she continued united with me. I knew nothing of the +vow, or indeed of the tipsy frolic which was the occasion of it; I was +taken up 'glorious,' as the phrase is, by my servants, and put to bed, +and, in the morning, had no more recollection of what had occurred any +more than of what happened when I was a baby at the breast. Lady Lyndon +told me of the circumstance years after; and I mention it here, as it +enables me to plead honourably 'not guilty' to one of the absurd charges +of cruelty trumped up against me with respect to my stepson. Let my +detractors apologise, if they dare, for the conduct of a graceless +ruffian who trips up the heels of his own natural guardian and +stepfather after dinner. + +This circumstance served to unite mother and son for a little; but their +characters were too different. I believe she was too fond of me ever to +allow him to be sincerely reconciled to her. As he grew up to be a man, +his hatred towards me assumed an intensity quite wicked to think of (and +which I promise you I returned with interest): and it was at the age +of sixteen, I think, that the impudent young hangdog, on my return from +Parliament one summer, and on my proposing to cane him as usual, gave me +to understand that he would submit to no farther chastisement from me, +and said, grinding his teeth, that he would shoot me if I laid hands on +him. I looked at him; he was grown, in fact, to be a tall young man, and +I gave up that necessary part of his education. + +It was about this time that I raised the company which was to serve in +America; and my enemies in the country (and since my victory over the +Tiptoffs I scarce need say I had many of them) began to propagate +the most shameful reports regarding my conduct to that precious young +scapegrace my stepson, and to insinuate that I actually wished to get +rid of him. Thus my loyalty to my Sovereign was actually construed into +a horrid unnatural attempt on my part on Bullingdon's life; and it +was said that I had raised the American corps for the sole purpose of +getting the young Viscount to command it, and so of getting rid of him. +I am not sure that they had not fixed upon the name of the very man in +the company who was ordered to despatch him at the first general action, +and the bribe I was to give him for this delicate piece of service. + +But the truth is, I was of opinion then (and though the fulfilment of +my prophecy has been delayed, yet I make no doubt it will be brought to +pass ere long), that my Lord Bullingdon needed none of MY aid in sending +him into the other world; but had a happy knack of finding the way +thither himself, which he would be sure to pursue. In truth, he began +upon this way early: of all the violent, daring, disobedient scapegraces +that ever caused an affectionate parent pain, he was certainly the most +incorrigible; there was no beating him, or coaxing him, or taming him. + +For instance, with my little son, when his governor brought him into the +room as we were over the bottle after dinner, my Lord would begin his +violent and undutiful sarcasms at me. + +'Dear child,' he would say, beginning to caress and fondle him, 'what +a pity it is I am not dead for thy sake! The Lyndons would then have a +worthier representative, and enjoy all the benefit of the illustrious +blood of the Barrys of Barryogue; would they not, Mr. Barry Lyndon?' +He always chose the days when company, or the clergy or gentry of the +neighbourhood, were present, to make these insolent speeches to me. + +Another day (it was Bryan's birthday) we were giving a grand ball +and gala at Hackton, and it was time for my little Bryan to make his +appearance among us, as he usually did in the smartest little court-suit +you ever saw (ah me! but it brings tears into my old eyes now to think +of the bright looks of that darling little face). There was a great +crowding and tittering when the child came in, led by his half-brother, +who walked into the dancing-room (would you believe it?) in his +stocking-feet, leading little Bryan by the hand, paddling about in the +great shoes of the elder! 'Don't you think he fits my shoes very well, +Sir Richard Wargrave?' says the young reprobate: upon which the company +began to look at each other and to titter; and his mother, coming up to +Lord Bullingdon with great dignity, seized the child to her breast, and +said, 'From the manner in which I love this child, my Lord, you ought +to know how I would have loved his elder brother had he proved worthy of +any mother's affection!' and, bursting into tears, Lady Lyndon left the +apartment, and the young lord rather discomfited for once. + +At last, on one occasion, his behaviour to me was so outrageous (it was +in the hunting-field and in a large public company), that I lost all +patience, rode at the urchin straight, wrenched him out of his saddle +with all my force, and, flinging him roughly to the ground, sprang +down to it myself, and administered such a correction across the young +caitiff's head and shoulders with my horsewhip as might have ended in +his death, had I not been restrained in time; for my passion was up, and +I was in a state to do murder or any other crime. The lad was taken home +and put to bed, where he lay for a day or two in a fever, as much from +rage and vexation as from the chastisement I had given him; and three +days afterwards, on sending to inquire at his chamber whether he would +join the family at table, a note was found on his table, and his bed +was empty and cold. The young villain had fled, and had the audacity to +write in the following terms regarding me to my wife, his mother:-- + +'Madam,' he said, 'I have borne as long as mortal could endure the +ill-treatment of the insolent Irish upstart whom you have taken to your +bed. It is not only the lowness of his birth and the general brutality +of his manners which disgust me, and must make me hate him so long as I +have the honour to bear the name of Lyndon, which he is unworthy of, but +the shameful nature of his conduct towards your Ladyship; his brutal +and ungentlemanlike behaviour, his open infidelity, his habits of +extravagance, intoxication, his shameless robberies and swindling of my +property and yours. It is these insults to you which shock and annoy me, +more than the ruffian's infamous conduct to myself. I would have stood +by your Ladyship as I promised, but you seem to have taken latterly +your husband's part; and, as I cannot personally chastise this low-bred +ruffian, who, to our shame be it spoken, is the husband of my mother; +and as I cannot bear to witness his treatment of you, and loathe his +horrible society as if it were the plague, I am determined to quit my +native country: at least during his detested life, or during my own. +I possess a small income from my father, of which I have no doubt Mr. +Barry will cheat me if he can; but which, if your Ladyship has some +feelings of a mother left, you will, perhaps, award to me. Messrs. +Childs, the bankers, can have orders to pay it to me when due; if they +receive no such orders, I shall be not in the least surprised, knowing +you to be in the hands of a villain who would not scruple to rob on +the highway; and shall try to find out some way in life for myself more +honourable than that by which the penniless Irish adventurer has arrived +to turn me out of my rights and home.' + +This mad epistle was signed 'Bullingdon,' and all the neighbours vowed +that I had been privy to his flight, and would profit by it; though I +declare on my honour my true and sincere desire, after reading the above +infamous letter, was to have the author within a good arm's length of +me, that I might let him know my opinion regarding him. But there was no +eradicating this idea from people's minds, who insisted that I wanted +to kill Bullingdon; whereas murder, as I have said, was never one of my +evil qualities: and even had I wished to injure my young enemy ever so +much, common prudence would have made my mind easy, as I knew he was +going to ruin his own way. + +It was long before we heard of the fate of the audacious young truant; +but after some fifteen months had elapsed, I had the pleasure of being +able to refute some of the murderous calumnies which had been uttered +against me, by producing a bill with Bullingdon's own signature, drawn +from General Tarleton's army in America, where my company was conducting +itself with the greatest glory, and with which my Lord was serving as +a volunteer. There were some of my kind friends who persisted still in +attributing all sorts of wicked intentions to me. Lord Tiptoff would +never believe that I would pay any bill, much more any bill of Lord +Bullingdon's; old Lady Betty Grimsby, his sister, persisted in declaring +the bill was a forgery, and the poor dear lord dead; until there came a +letter to her Ladyship from Lord Bullingdon himself, who had been at New +York at headquarters, and who described at length the splendid festival +given by the officers of the garrison to our distinguished chieftains, +the two Howes. + +In the meanwhile, if I HAD murdered my Lord, I could scarcely have been +received with more shameful obloquy and slander than now followed me in +town and country. 'You will hear of the lad's death, be sure,' exclaimed +one of my friends. 'And then his wife's will follow,' added another. 'He +will marry Jenny Jones,' added a third; and so on. Lavender brought me +the news of these scandals about me: the country was up against me. The +farmers on market-days used to touch their hats sulkily, and get out of +my way; the gentlemen who followed my hunt now suddenly seceded from it, +and left off my uniform; at the county ball, where I led out Lady Susan +Capermore, and took my place third in the dance after the duke and the +marquis, as was my wont, all the couples turned away as we came to them, +and we were left to dance alone. Sukey Capermore has a love of dancing +which would make her dance at a funeral if anybody asked her, and I had +too much spirit to give in at this signal instance of insult towards me; +so we danced with some of the very commonest low people at the bottom of +the set--your apothecaries, wine-merchants, attorneys, and such scum as +are allowed to attend our public assemblies. + +The bishop, my Lady Lyndon's relative, neglected to invite us to the +palace at the assizes; and, in a word, every indignity was put upon me +which could by possibility be heaped upon an innocent and honourable +gentleman. + +My reception in London, whither I now carried my wife and family, was +scarcely more cordial. On paying my respects to my Sovereign at +St. James's, His Majesty pointedly asked me when I had news of Lord +Bullingdon. On which I replied, with no ordinary presence of mind, 'Sir, +my Lord Bullingdon is fighting the rebels against your Majesty's crown +in America. Does your Majesty desire that I should send another regiment +to aid him?' On which the King turned on his heel, and I made my bow out +of the presence-chamber. When Lady Lyndon kissed the Queen's hand at the +drawing-room, I found that precisely the same question had been put to +her Ladyship; and she came home much agitated at the rebuke which had +been administered to her. Thus it was that my loyalty was rewarded, +and my sacrifice, in favour of my country, viewed! I took away my +establishment abruptly to Paris, where I met with a very different +reception: but my stay amidst the enchanting pleasures of that capital +was extremely short; for the French Government, which had been long +tampering with the American rebels, now openly acknowledged the +independence of the United States. A declaration of war ensued: all we +happy English were ordered away from Paris; and I think I left one +or two fair ladies there inconsolable. It is the only place where a +gentleman can live as he likes without being incommoded by his wife. +The Countess and I, during our stay, scarcely saw each other except upon +public occasions, at Versailles, or at the Queen's play-table; and our +dear little Bryan advanced in a thousand elegant accomplishments which +rendered him the delight of all who knew him. + +I must not forget to mention here my last interview with my good +uncle, the Chevalier de Ballybarry, whom I left at Brussels with strong +intentions of making his salut, as the phrase is, and who had gone into +retirement at a convent there. Since then he had come into the world +again, much to his annoyance and repentance; having fallen desperately +in love in his old age with a French actress, who had done, as most +ladies of her character do,--ruined him, left him, and laughed at him. +His repentance was very edifying. Under the guidance of Messieurs of the +Irish College, he once more turned his thoughts towards religion; and +his only prayer to me when I saw him and asked in what I could relieve +him, was to pay a handsome fee to the convent into which he proposed to +enter. + +This I could not, of course, do: my religious principles forbidding me +to encourage superstition in any way; and the old gentleman and I parted +rather coolly, in consequence of my refusal, as he said, to make his old +days comfortable. + +I was very poor at the time, that is the fact; and entre nous, the +Rosemont of the French Opera, an indifferent dancer, but a charming +figure and ankle, was ruining me in diamonds, equipages, and furniture +bills, added to which I had a run of ill-luck at play, and was forced to +meet my losses by the most shameful sacrifices to the money-lenders, by +pawning part of Lady Lyndon's diamonds (that graceless little Rosemont +wheedled me out of some of them), and by a thousand other schemes for +raising money. But when Honour is in the case, was I ever found backward +at her call: and what man can say that Barry Lyndon lost a bet which he +did not pay? + +As for my ambitious hopes regarding the Irish peerage, I began, on my +return, to find out that I had been led wildly astray by that rascal +Lord Crabs; who liked to take my money, but had no more influence to get +me a coronet than to procure for me the Pope's tiara. The Sovereign was +not a whit more gracious to me on returning from the Continent than he +had been before my departure; and I had it from one of the aides-de-camp +of the Royal Dukes his brothers, that my conduct and amusements at Paris +had been odiously misrepresented by some spies there, and had formed +the subject of Royal comment; and that the King had, influenced by these +calumnies, actually said I was the most disreputable man in the three +kingdoms. I disreputable! I a dishonour to my name and country! When +I heard these falsehoods, I was in such a rage that I went off to Lord +North at once to remonstrate with the Minister; to insist upon being +allowed to appear before His Majesty and clear myself of the imputations +against me, to point out my services to the Government in voting with +them, and to ask when the reward that had been promised to me--viz., the +title held by my ancestors--was again to be revived in my person? + +There was a sleepy coolness in that fat Lord North which was the most +provoking thing that the Opposition had ever to encounter from him. +He heard me with half-shut eyes. When I had finished a long violent +speech--which I made striding about his room in Downing Street, and +gesticulating with all the energy of an Irishman--he opened one eye, +smiled, and asked me gently if I had done. On my replying in the +affirmative, he said, 'Well, Mr. Barry, I'll answer you, point by point. +The King is exceedingly averse to make peers, as you know. Your claims, +as you call them, HAVE been laid before him, and His Majesty's gracious +reply was, that you were the most impudent man in his dominions, and +merited a halter rather than a coronet. As for withdrawing your support +from us, you are perfectly welcome to carry yourself and your vote +whithersoever you please. And now, as I have a great deal of occupation, +perhaps you will do me the favour to retire.' So saying, he raised his +hand lazily to the bell, and bowed me out; asking blandly if there was +any other thing in the world in which he could oblige me. + +I went home in a fury which can't be described; and having Lord Crabs to +dinner that day, assailed his Lordship by pulling his wig off his head, +and smothering it in his face, and by attacking him in that part of the +person where, according to report, he had been formerly assaulted by +Majesty. The whole story was over the town the next day, and pictures +of me were hanging in the clubs and print-shops performing the operation +alluded to. All the town laughed at the picture of the lord and the +Irishman, and, I need not say, recognised both. As for me, I was one of +the most celebrated characters in London in those days: my dress, style, +and equipage being as well known as those of any leader of the fashion; +and my popularity, if not great in the highest quarters, was at least +considerable elsewhere. The people cheered me in the Gordon rows, at +the time they nearly killed my friend Jemmy Twitcher and burned Lord +Mansfield's house down. Indeed, I was known as a staunch Protestant, and +after my quarrel with Lord North veered right round to the Opposition, +and vexed him with all the means in my power. + +These were not, unluckily, very great, for I was a bad speaker, and the +House would not listen to me, and presently, in 1780, after the Gordon +disturbance, was dissolved, when a general election took place. It came +on me, as all my mishaps were in the habit of coming, at a most unlucky +time. I was obliged to raise more money, at most ruinous rates, to face +the confounded election, and had the Tiptoffs against me in the field +more active and virulent than ever. + +My blood boils even now when I think of the rascally conduct of my +enemies in that scoundrelly election. I was held up as the Irish +Bluebeard, and libels of me were printed, and gross caricatures drawn +representing me flogging Lady Lyndon, whipping Lord Bullingdon, turning +him out of doors in a storm, and I know not what. There were pictures of +a pauper cabin in Ireland, from which it was pretended I came; others in +which I was represented as a lacquey and shoeblack. A flood of calumny +was let loose upon me, in which any man of less spirit would have gone +down. + +But though I met my accusers boldly, though I lavished sums of money in +the election, though I flung open Hackton Hall and kept champagne and +Burgundy running there, and at all my inns in the town, as commonly as +water, the election went against me. The rascally gentry had all turned +upon me and joined the Tiptoff faction: it was even represented that +I held my wife by force; and though I sent her into the town alone, +wearing my colours, with Bryan in her lap, and made her visit the +mayor's lady and the chief women there, nothing would persuade the +people but that she lived in fear and trembling of me; and the brutal +mob had the insolence to ask her why she dared to go back, and how she +liked horsewhip for supper. + +I was thrown out of my election, and all the bills came down upon me +together--all the bills I had been contracting during the years of my +marriage, which the creditors, with a rascally unanimity, sent in until +they lay upon my table in heaps. I won't cite their amount: it was +frightful. My stewards and lawyers made matters worse. I was bound up +in an inextricable toil of bills and debts, of mortgages and insurances, +and all the horrible evils attendant upon them. Lawyers upon lawyers +posted down from London; composition after composition was made, and +Lady Lyndon's income hampered almost irretrievably to satisfy these +cormorants. To do her justice, she behaved with tolerable kindness at +this season of trouble; for whenever I wanted money I had to coax +her, and whenever I coaxed her I was sure of bringing this weak and +light-minded woman to good-humour: who was of such a weak terrified +nature, that to secure an easy week with me she would sign away a +thousand a year. And when my troubles began at Hackton, and I determined +on the only chance left, viz. to retire to Ireland and retrench, +assigning over the best part of my income to the creditors until their +demands were met, my Lady was quite cheerful at the idea of going, and +said, if we would be quiet, she had no doubt all would be well; indeed, +was glad to undergo the comparative poverty in which we must now live +for the sake of the retirement and the chance of domestic quiet which +she hoped to enjoy. + +We went off to Bristol pretty suddenly, leaving the odious and +ungrateful wretches at Hackton to vilify us, no doubt, in our absence. +My stud and hounds were sold off immediately; the harpies would have +been glad to pounce upon my person; but that was out of their power. +I had raised, by cleverness and management, to the full as much on my +mines and private estates as they were worth; so the scoundrels were +disappointed in THIS instance; and as for the plate and property in the +London house, they could not touch that, as it was the property of the +heirs of the house of Lyndon. + +I passed over to Ireland, then, and took up my abode at Castle Lyndon +for a while; all the world imagining that I was an utterly ruined man, +and that the famous and dashing Barry Lyndon would never again appear in +the circles of which he had been an ornament. But it was not so. In the +midst of my perplexities, Fortune reserved a great consolation for me +still. Despatches came home from America announcing Lord Cornwallis's +defeat of General Gates in Carolina, and the death of Lord Bullingdon, +who was present as a volunteer. + +For my own desires to possess a paltry Irish title I cared little. My +son was now heir to an English earldom, and I made him assume forthwith +the title of Lord Viscount Castle Lyndon, the third of the family +titles. My mother went almost mad with joy at saluting her grandson as +'my Lord,' and I felt that all my sufferings and privations were repaid +by seeing this darling child advanced to such a post of honour. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. CONCLUSION + +If the world were not composed of a race of ungrateful scoundrels, who +share your prosperity while it lasts, and, even when gorged with your +venison and Burgundy, abuse the generous giver of the feast, I am sure I +merit a good name and a high reputation: in Ireland, at least, where +my generosity was unbounded, and the splendour of my mansion and +entertainments unequalled by any other nobleman of my time. As long as +my magnificence lasted, all the country was free to partake of it; I had +hunters sufficient in my stables to mount a regiment of dragoons, and +butts of wine in my cellar which would have made whole counties drunk +for years. Castle Lyndon became the headquarters of scores of needy +gentlemen, and I never rode a-hunting but I had a dozen young fellows of +the best blood of the country riding as my squires and gentlemen of +the horse. My son, little Castle Lyndon, was a prince; his breeding and +manners, even at his early age, showed him to be worthy of the two noble +families from whom he was descended: I don't know what high hopes I had +for the boy, and indulged in a thousand fond anticipations as to his +future success and figure in the world. But stern Fate had determined +that I should leave none of my race behind me, and ordained that I +should finish my career, as I see it closing now--poor, lonely, and +childless. I may have had my faults; but no man shall dare to say of me +that I was not a good and tender father. I loved that boy passionately; +perhaps with a blind partiality: I denied him nothing. Gladly, gladly, +I swear, would I have died that his premature doom might have been +averted. I think there is not a day since I lost him but his bright face +and beautiful smiles look down on me out of heaven, where he is, and +that my heart does not yearn towards him. That sweet child was taken +from me at the age of nine years, when he was full of beauty and +promise: and so powerful is the hold his memory has of me that I have +never been able to forget him; his little spirit haunts me of nights +on my restless solitary pillow; many a time, in the wildest and maddest +company, as the bottle is going round, and the song and laugh roaring +about, I am thinking of him. I have got a lock of his soft brown hair +hanging round my breast now: it will accompany me to the dishonoured +pauper's grave; where soon, no doubt, Barry Lyndon's worn-out old bones +will be laid. + +My Bryan was a boy of amazing high spirit (indeed how, coming from such +a stock, could he be otherwise?), impatient even of my control, against +which the dear little rogue would often rebel gallantly; how much more, +then, of his mother's and the women's, whose attempts to direct him he +would laugh to scorn. Even my own mother ('Mrs. Barry of Lyndon' the +good soul now called herself, in compliment to my new family) was quite +unable to check him; and hence you may fancy what a will he had of his +own. If it had not been for that, he might have lived to this day: he +might--but why repine? Is he not in a better place? would the heritage +of a beggar do any service to him? It is best as it is--Heaven be good +to us!--Alas! that I, his father, should be left to deplore him. + +It was in the month of October I had been to Dublin, in order to see a +lawyer and a moneyed man who had come over to Ireland to consult with me +about some sales of mine and the cut of Hackton timber; of which, as I +hated the place and was greatly in want of money, I was determined to +cut down every stick. There had been some difficulty in the matter. It +was said I had no right to touch the timber. The brute peasantry about +the estate had been roused to such a pitch of hatred against me, that +the rascals actually refused to lay an axe to the trees; and my agent +(that scoundrel Larkins) declared that his life was in danger among +them if he attempted any further despoilment (as they called it) of the +property. Every article of the splendid furniture was sold by this time, +as I need not say; and as for the plate, I had taken good care to bring +it off to Ireland, where it now was in the best of keeping--my banker's, +who had advanced six thousand pounds on it: which sum I soon had +occasion for. + +I went to Dublin, then, to meet the English man of business; and so +far succeeded in persuading Mr. Splint, a great shipbuilder and +timber-dealer of Plymouth, of my claim to the Hackton timber, that he +agreed to purchase it off-hand at about one-third of its value, and +handed me over five thousand pounds: which, being pressed with debts at +the time, I was fain to accept. HE had no difficulty in getting down the +wood, I warrant. He took a regiment of shipwrights and sawyers from his +own and the King's yards at Plymouth, and in two months Hackton Park was +as bare of trees as the Bog of Allen. + +I had but ill luck with that accursed expedition and money. I lost the +greater part of it in two nights' play at 'Daly's,' so that my debts +stood just as they were before; and before the vessel sailed for +Holyhead, which carried away my old sharper of a timber-merchant, all +that I had left of the money he brought me was a couple of hundred +pounds, with which I returned home very disconsolately: and very +suddenly, too, for my Dublin tradesmen were hot upon me, hearing I had +spent the loan, and two of my wine-merchants had writs out against me +for some thousands of pounds. + +I bought in Dublin, according to my promise, however--for when I give +a promise I will keep it at any sacrifices--a little horse for my dear +little Bryan; which was to be a present for his tenth birthday, that was +now coming on: it was a beautiful little animal and stood me in a good +sum. I never regarded money for that dear child. But the horse was very +wild. He kicked off one of my horse-boys, who rode him at first, and +broke the lad's leg; and, though I took the animal in hand on the +journey home, it was only my weight and skill that made the brute quiet. + +When we got home I sent the horse away with one of my grooms to a +farmer's house, to break him thoroughly in, and told Bryan, who was all +anxiety to see his little horse, that he would arrive by his birthday, +when he should hunt him along with my hounds; and I promised myself +no small pleasure in presenting the dear fellow to the field that day: +which I hoped to see him lead some time or other in place of his fond +father. Ah me! never was that gallant boy to ride a fox-chase, or to +take the place amongst the gentry of his country which his birth and +genius had pointed out for him! + +Though I don't believe in dreams and omens, yet I can't but own that +when a great calamity is hanging over a man he has frequently many +strange and awful forebodings of it. I fancy now I had many. Lady +Lyndon, especially, twice dreamed of her son's death; but, as she was +now grown uncommonly nervous and vapourish, I treated her fears with +scorn, and my own, of course, too. And in an unguarded moment, over the +bottle after dinner, I told poor Bryan, who was always questioning me +about the little horse, and when it was to come, that it was arrived; +that it was in Doolan's farm, where Mick the groom was breaking him in. +'Promise me, Bryan,' screamed his mother, 'that you will not ride the +horse except in company of your father.' But I only said, 'Pooh, madam, +you are an ass!' being angry at her silly timidity, which was always +showing itself in a thousand disagreeable ways now; and, turning round +to Bryan, said, 'I promise your Lordship a good flogging if you mount +him without my leave.' + +I suppose the poor child did not care about paying this penalty for the +pleasure he was to have, or possibly thought a fond father would remit +the punishment altogether; for the next morning, when I rose rather +late, having sat up drinking the night before, I found the child had +been off at daybreak, having slipt through his tutor's room (this was +Redmond Quin, our cousin, whom I had taken to live with me), and I had +no doubt but that he was gone to Doolan's farm. + +I took a great horsewhip and galloped off after him in a rage, swearing +I would keep my promise. But, Heaven forgive me! I little thought of it +when at three miles from home I met a sad procession coming towards me: +peasants moaning and howling as our Irish do, the black horse led by the +hand, and, on a door that some of the folk carried, my poor dear dear +little boy. There he lay in his little boots and spurs, and his little +coat of scarlet and gold. His dear face was quite white, and he smiled +as he held a hand out to me, and said painfully, 'You won't whip me, +will you, papa?' I could only burst out into tears in reply. I have seen +many and many a man dying, and there's a look about the eyes which you +cannot mistake. There was a little drummer-boy I was fond of who was hit +down before my company at Kuhnersdorf; when I ran up to give him +some water, he looked exactly like my dear Bryan then did--there's no +mistaking that awful look of the eyes. We carried him home and scoured +the country round for doctors to come and look at his hurt. + +But what does a doctor avail in a contest with the grim invincible +enemy? Such as came could only confirm our despair by their account +of the poor child's case. He had mounted his horse gallantly, sat him +bravely all the time the animal plunged and kicked, and, having overcome +his first spite, ran him at a hedge by the roadside. But there were +loose stones at the top, and the horse's foot caught among them, and he +and his brave little rider rolled over together at the other side. The +people said they saw the noble little boy spring up after his fall and +run to catch the horse; which had broken away from him, kicking him on +the back, as it would seem, as they lay on the ground. Poor Bryan ran a +few yards and then dropped down as if shot. A pallor came over his face, +and they thought he was dead. But they poured whisky down his mouth, and +the poor child revived: still he could not move; his spine was injured; +the lower half of him was dead when they laid him in bed at home. The +rest did not last long, God help me! He remained yet for two days with +us; and a sad comfort it was to think he was in no pain. + +During this time the dear angel's temper seemed quite to change: he +asked his mother and me pardon for any act of disobedience he had been +guilty of towards us; he said often he should like to see his brother +Bullingdon. 'Bully was better than you, papa,' he said; 'he used not +to swear so, and he told and taught me many good things while you were +away.' And, taking a hand of his mother and mine in each of his little +clammy ones, he begged us not to quarrel so, but love each other, so +that we might meet again in heaven, where Bully told him quarrelsome +people never went. His mother was very much affected by these +admonitions from the poor suffering angel's mouth; and I was so too. I +wish she had enabled me to keep the counsel which the dying boy gave us. + +At last, after two days, he died. There he lay, the hope of my family, +the pride of my manhood, the link which had kept me and my Lady Lyndon +together. 'Oh, Redmond,' said she, kneeling by the sweet child's body, +'do, do let us listen to the truth out of his blessed mouth: and do you +amend your life, and treat your poor loving fond wife as her dying child +bade you.' And I said I would: but there are promises which it is out of +a man's power to keep; especially with such a woman as her. But we +drew together after that sad event, and were for several months better +friends. + +I won't tell you with what splendour we buried him. Of what avail are +undertakers' feathers and heralds' trumpery? I went out and shot the +fatal black horse that had killed him, at the door of the vault where we +laid my boy. I was so wild, that I could have shot myself too. But for +the crime, it would have been better that I should, perhaps; for what +has my life been since that sweet flower was taken out of my bosom? +A succession of miseries, wrongs, disasters, and mental and bodily +sufferings which never fell to the lot of any other man in Christendom. + +Lady Lyndon, always vapourish and nervous, after our blessed boy's +catastrophe became more agitated than ever, and plunged into devotion +with so much fervour, that you would have fancied her almost distracted +at times. She imagined she saw visions. She said an angel from heaven +had told her that Bryan's death was as a punishment to her for her +neglect of her first-born. Then she would declare Bullingdon was alive; +she had seen him in a dream. Then again she would fall into fits of +sorrow about his death, and grieve for him as violently as if he had +been the last of her sons who had died, and not our darling Bryan; who, +compared to Bullingdon, was what a diamond is to a vulgar stone. Her +freaks were painful to witness, and difficult to control. It began to +be said in the country that the Countess was going mad. My scoundrelly +enemies did not fail to confirm and magnify the rumour, and would add +that I was the cause of her insanity: I had driven her to distraction, I +had killed Bullingdon, I had murdered my own son; I don't know what else +they laid to my charge. Even in Ireland their hateful calumnies reached +me: my friends fell away from me. They began to desert my hunt, as they +did in England, and when I went to race or market found sudden reasons +for getting out of my neighbourhood. I got the name of Wicked Barry, +Devil Lyndon, which you please: the country-folk used to make marvellous +legends about me: the priests said I had massacred I don't know how +many German nuns in the Seven Years' War; that the ghost of the murdered +Bullingdon haunted my house. Once at a fair in a town hard by, when I +had a mind to buy a waistcoat for one of my people, a fellow standing by +said, ''Tis a strait-waistcoat he's buying for my Lady Lyndon.' And +from this circumstance arose a legend of my cruelty to my wife; and many +circumstantial details were narrated regarding my manner and ingenuity +of torturing her. + +The loss of my dear boy pressed not only on my heart as a father, but +injured my individual interests in a very considerable degree; for as +there was now no direct heir to the estate, and Lady Lyndon was of a +weak health, and supposed to be quite unlikely to leave a family, the +next in succession-that detestable family of Tiptoff--began to exert +themselves in a hundred ways to annoy me, and were at the head of +the party of enemies who were raising reports to my discredit. They +interposed between me and my management of the property in a hundred +different ways; making an outcry if I cut a stick, sunk a shaft, sold a +picture, or sent a few ounces of plate to be remodelled. They harassed +me with ceaseless lawsuits, got injunctions from Chancery, hampered my +agents in the execution of their work; so much so that you would have +fancied my own was not my own, but theirs, to do as they liked with. +What is worse, as I have reason to believe, they had tamperings and +dealings with my own domestics under my own roof; for I could not have +a word with Lady Lyndon but it somehow got abroad, and I could not be +drunk with my chaplain and friends but some sanctified rascals would +get hold of the news, and reckon up all the bottles I drank and all the +oaths I swore. That these were not few, I acknowledge. I am of the old +school; was always a free liver and speaker; and, at least, if I did and +said what I liked, was not so bad as many a canting scoundrel I know of +who covers his foibles and sins, unsuspected, with a mask of holiness. +As I am making a clean breast of it, and am no hypocrite, I may as well +confess now that I endeavoured to ward off the devices of my enemies +by an artifice which was not, perhaps, strictly justifiable. Everything +depended on my having an heir to the estate; for if Lady Lyndon, who +was of weakly health, had died, the next day I was a beggar: all my +sacrifices of money, &c., on the estate would not have been held in a +farthing's account; all the debts would have been left on my shoulders; +and my enemies would have triumphed over me: which, to a man of my +honourable spirit, was 'the unkindest cut of all,' as some poet says. + +I confess, then, it was my wish to supplant these scoundrels; and, as I +could not do so without an heir to my property, _I_ DETERMINED TO FIND +ONE. If I had him near at hand, and of my own blood too, though with +the bar sinister, is not here the question. It was then I found out the +rascally machinations of my enemies; for, having broached this plan to +Lady Lyndon, whom I made to be, outwardly at least, the most obedient +of wives,--although I never let a letter from her or to her go or arrive +without my inspection,--although I allowed her to see none but those +persons who I thought, in her delicate health, would be fitting society +for her; yet the infernal Tiptoffs got wind of my scheme, protested +instantly against it, not only by letter, but in the shameful libellous +public prints, and held me up to public odium as a 'child-forger,' as +they called me. Of course I denied the charge--I could do no otherwise, +and offered to meet any one of the Tiptoffs on the field of honour, and +prove him a scoundrel and a liar: as he was; though, perhaps, not +in this instance. But they contented themselves by answering me by a +lawyer, and declined an invitation which any man of spirit would have +accepted. My hopes of having an heir were thus blighted completely: +indeed, Lady Lyndon (though, as I have said, I take her opposition for +nothing) had resisted the proposal with as much energy as a woman of her +weakness could manifest; and said she had committed one great crime in +consequence of me, but would rather die than perform another. I could +easily have brought her Ladyship to her senses, however: but my scheme +had taken wind, and it was now in vain to attempt it. We might have had +a dozen children in honest wedlock, and people would have said they were +false. + +As for raising money on annuities, I may say I had used her life +interest up. There were but few of those assurance societies in my time +which have since sprung up in the city of London; underwriters did +the business, and my wife's life was as well known among them as, I do +believe, that of any woman in Christendom. Latterly, when I wanted to +get a sum against her life, the rascals had the impudence to say my +treatment of her did not render it worth a year's purchase,--as if my +interest lay in killing her! Had my boy lived, it would have been a +different thing; he and his mother might have cut off the entail of a +good part of the property between them, and my affairs have been put in +better order. Now they were in a bad condition indeed. All my schemes +had turned out failures; my lands, which I had purchased with borrowed +money, made me no return, and I was obliged to pay ruinous interest for +the sums with which I had purchased them. My income, though very large, +was saddled with hundreds of annuities, and thousands of lawyers' +charges; and I felt the net drawing closer and closer round me, and no +means to extricate myself from its toils. + +To add to all my perplexities, two years after my poor child's death, my +wife, whose vagaries of temper and wayward follies I had borne with for +twelve years, wanted to leave me, and absolutely made attempts at what +she called escaping from my tyranny. + +My mother, who was the only person that, in my misfortunes, remained +faithful to me (indeed, she has always spoken of me in my true light, as +a martyr to the rascality of others and a victim of my own generous and +confiding temper), found out the first scheme that was going on; and +of which those artful and malicious Tiptoffs were, as usual, the main +promoters. Mrs. Barry, indeed, though her temper was violent and her +ways singular, was an invaluable person to me in my house; which would +have been at rack and ruin long before, but for her spirit of order +and management, and for her excellent economy in the government of my +numerous family. As for my Lady Lyndon, she, poor soul! was much too +fine a lady to attend to household matters--passed her days with her +doctor, or her books of piety, and never appeared among us except at my +compulsion; when she and my mother would be sure to have a quarrel. + +Mrs. Barry, on the contrary, had a talent for management in all matters. +She kept the maids stirring, and the footmen to their duty; had an eye +over the claret in the cellar, and the oats and hay in the stable; saw +to the salting and pickling, the potatoes and the turf-stacking, the +pig-killing and the poultry, the linen-room and the bakehouse, and the +ten thousand minutiae of a great establishment. If all Irish housewives +were like her, I warrant many a hall-fire would be blazing where the +cobwebs only grow now, and many a park covered with sheep and fat cattle +where the thistles are at present the chief occupiers. If anything +could have saved me from the consequences of villainy in others, and +(I confess it, for I am not above owning to my faults) my own too easy, +generous, and careless nature, it would have been the admirable prudence +of that worthy creature. She never went to bed until all the house was +quiet and all the candles out; and you may fancy that this was a matter +of some difficulty with a man of my habits, who had commonly a dozen of +jovial fellows (artful scoundrels and false friends most of them were!) +to drink with me every night, and who seldom, for my part, went to bed +sober. Many and many a night, when I was unconscious of her attention, +has that good soul pulled my boots off, and seen me laid by my servants +snug in bed, and carried off the candle herself; and been the first +in the morning, too, to bring me my drink of small-beer. Mine were no +milksop times, I can tell you. A gentleman thought no shame of taking +his half-dozen bottles; and, as for your coffee and slops, they were +left to Lady Lyndon, her doctor, and the other old women. It was my +mother's pride that I could drink more than any man in the country,--as +much, within a pint, as my father before me, she said. + +That Lady Lyndon should detest her was quite natural. She is not the +first of woman or mankind either that has hated a mother-in-law. I set +my mother to keep a sharp watch over the freaks of her Ladyship; and +this, you may be sure, was one of the reasons why the latter disliked +her. I never minded that, however. Mrs. Barry's assistance and +surveillance were invaluable to me; and, if I had paid twenty spies +to watch my Lady, I should not have been half so well served as by the +disinterested care and watchfulness of my excellent mother. She slept +with the house-keys under her pillow, and had an eye everywhere. She +followed all the Countess's movements like a shadow; she managed to +know, from morning to night, everything that my Lady did. If she walked +in the garden, a watchful eye was kept on the wicket; and if she chose +to drive out, Mrs. Barry accompanied her, and a couple of fellows in my +liveries rode alongside of the carriage to see that she came to no harm. +Though she objected, and would have kept her room in sullen silence, +I made a point that we should appear together at church in the +coach-and-six every Sunday; and that she should attend the race-balls +in my company, whenever the coast was clear of the rascally bailiffs who +beset me. This gave the lie to any of those maligners who said I wished +to make a prisoner of my wife. The fact is, that, knowing her levity, +and seeing the insane dislike to me and mine which had now begun to +supersede what, perhaps, had been an equally insane fondness for me, I +was bound to be on my guard that she should not give me the slip. Had +she left me, I was ruined the next day. This (which my mother knew) +compelled us to keep a tight watch over her; but as for imprisoning her, +I repel the imputation with scorn. Every man imprisons his wife to a +certain degree; the world would be in a pretty condition if women were +allowed to quit home and return to it whenever they had a mind. In +watching over my wife, Lady Lyndon, I did no more than exercise the +legitimate authority which awards honour and obedience to every husband. + +Such, however, is female artifice, that, in spite of all my watchfulness +in guarding her, it is probable my Lady would have given me the slip, +had I not had quite as acute a person as herself as my ally: for, as +the proverb says that 'the best way to catch one thief is to set another +after him,' so the best way to get the better of a woman is to engage +one of her own artful sex to guard her. One would have thought that, +followed as she was, all her letters read, and all her acquaintances +strictly watched by me, living in a remote part of Ireland away from her +family, Lady Lyndon could have had no chance of communicating with +her allies, or of making her wrongs, as she was pleased to call them, +public; and yet, for a while, she carried on a correspondence under my +very nose, and acutely organised a conspiracy for flying from me; as +shall be told. + +She always had an inordinate passion for dress, and, as she was never +thwarted in any whimsey she had of this kind (for I spared no money to +gratify her, and among my debts are milliners' bills to the amount of +many thousands), boxes used to pass continually to and fro from Dublin, +with all sorts of dresses, caps, flounces, and furbelows, as her fancy +dictated. With these would come letters from her milliner, in answer to +numerous similar injunctions from my Lady; all of which passed through +my hands, without the least suspicion, for some time. And yet in these +very papers, by the easy means of sympathetic ink, were contained all +her Ladyship's correspondence; and Heaven knows (for it was some time, +as I have said, before I discovered the trick) what charges against me. + +But clever Mrs. Barry found out that always before my lady-wife chose to +write letters to her milliner, she had need of lemons to make her drink, +as she said; this fact, being mentioned to me, set me a-thinking, and +so I tried one of the letters before the fire, and the whole scheme +of villainy was brought to light. I will give a specimen of one of the +horrid artful letters of this unhappy woman. In a great hand, with wide +lines, were written a set of directions to her mantua-maker, setting +forth the articles of dress for which my Lady had need, the peculiarity +of their make, the stuff she selected, &c. She would make out long lists +in this way, writing each article in a separate line, so as to have more +space for detailing all my cruelties and her tremendous wrongs. Between +these lines she kept the journal of her captivity: it would have made +the fortune of a romance-writer in those days but to have got a copy of +it, and to have published it under the title of the 'Lovely Prisoner, +or the Savage Husband,' or by some name equally taking and absurd. The +journal would be as follows:-- + +***** + +'MONDAY.--Yesterday I was made to go to church. My odious, MONSTROUS, +VULGAR SHE-DRAGON OF A MOTHER-IN-LAW, in a yellow satin and red ribands, +taking the first place in the coach; Mr. L. riding by its side, on the +horse he never paid for to Captain Hurdlestone. The wicked hypocrite led +me to the pew, with hat in hand and a smiling countenance, and kissed +my hand as I entered the coach after service, and patted my Italian +greyhound--all that the few people collected might see. He made me +come downstairs in the evening to make tea for his company; of whom +three-fourths, he himself included, were, as usual, drunk. They painted +the parson's face black, when his reverence had arrived at his seventh +bottle; and at his usual insensible stage, they tied him on the grey +mare with his face to the tail. The she-dragon read the "Whole Duty of +Man" all the evening till bedtime; when she saw me to my apartments, +locked me in, and proceeded to wait upon her abominable son: whom she +adores for his wickedness, I should think, AS STYCORAX DID CALIBAN.' + +***** + +You should have seen my mother's fury as I read her out this passage! +Indeed, I have always had a taste for a joke (that practised on the +parson, as described above, is, I confess, a true bill), and used +carefully to select for Mrs. Barry's hearing all the COMPLIMENTS that +Lady Lyndon passed upon her. The dragon was the name by which she was +known in this precious correspondence: or sometimes she was designated +by the title of the 'Irish Witch.' As for me, I was denominated 'my +gaoler,' 'my tyrant,' 'the dark spirit which has obtained the mastery +over my being,' and so on; in terms always complimentary to my power, +however little they might be so to my amiability. Here is another +extract from her 'Prison Diary,' by which it will be seen that my Lady, +although she pretended to be so indifferent to my goings on, had a sharp +woman's eye, and could be as jealous as another:-- + +***** + +'WEDNESDAY.--This day two years my last hope and pleasure in life was +taken from me, and my dear child was called to heaven. Has he joined his +neglected brother there, whom I suffered to grow up unheeded by my side: +and whom the tyranny of the monster to whom I am united drove to exile, +and perhaps to death? Or is the child alive, as my fond heart sometimes +deems? Charles Bullingdon! come to the aid of a wretched mother, who +acknowledges her crimes, her coldness towards thee, and now bitterly +pays for her error! But no, he cannot live! I am distracted! My only +hope is in you, my cousin--you whom I had once thought to salute by a +STILL FONDER TITLE, my dear George Poynings! Oh, be my knight and my +preserver, the true chivalric being thou ever wert, and rescue me from +the thrall of the felon caitiff who holds me captive--rescue me from +him, and from Stycorax, the vile Irish witch, his mother!' + +(Here follow some verses, such as her Ladyship was in the habit of +composing by reams, in which she compares herself to Sabra, in the +'Seven Champions,' and beseeches her George to rescue her from THE +DRAGON, meaning Mrs. Barry. I omit the lines, and proceed:)-- + +'Even my poor child, who perished untimely on this sad anniversary, the +tyrant who governs me had taught to despise and dislike me. 'Twas +in disobedience to my orders, my prayers, that he went on the fatal +journey. What sufferings, what humiliations have I had to endure since +then! I am a prisoner in my own halls. I should fear poison, but that I +know the wretch has a sordid interest in keeping me alive, and that my +death would be the signal for his ruin. But I dare not stir without my +odious, hideous, vulgar gaoler, the horrid Irishwoman, who pursues my +every step. I am locked into my chamber at night, like a felon, and +only suffered to leave it when ORDERED into the presence of my lord (_I_ +ordered!), to be present at his orgies with his boon companions, and +to hear his odious converse as he lapses into the disgusting madness of +intoxication! He has given up even the semblance of constancy--he, who +swore that I alone could attach or charm him! And now he brings +his vulgar mistresses before my very eyes, and would have had me +acknowledge, as heir to my own property, his child by another! + +'No, I never will submit! Thou, and thou only, my George, my early +friend, shalt be heir to the estates of Lyndon. Why did not Fate join me +to thee, instead of to the odious man who holds me under his sway, and +make the poor Calista happy?' + +***** + +So the letters would run on for sheets upon sheets, in the closest +cramped handwriting; and I leave any unprejudiced reader to say whether +the writer of such documents must not have been as silly and vain a +creature as ever lived, and whether she did not want being taken care +of? I could copy out yards of rhapsody to Lord George Poynings, her old +flame, in which she addressed him by the most affectionate names, and +implored him to find a refuge for her against her oppressors; but they +would fatigue the reader to peruse, as they would me to copy. The fact +is, that this unlucky lady had the knack of writing a great deal more +than she meant. She was always reading novels and trash; putting +herself into imaginary characters and flying off into heroics and +sentimentalities with as little heart as any woman I ever knew; yet +showing the most violent disposition to be in love. She wrote always as +if she was in a flame of passion. I have an elegy on her lap-dog, the +most tender and pathetic piece she ever wrote; and most tender notes +of remonstrance to Betty, her favourite maid; to her housekeeper, on +quarrelling with her; to half-a-dozen acquaintances, each of whom she +addressed as the dearest friend in the world, and forgot the very moment +she took up another fancy. As for her love for her children, the above +passage will show how much she was capable of true maternal feeling: +the very sentence in which she records the death of one child serves +to betray her egotisms, and to wreak her spleen against myself; and she +only wishes to recall another from the grave, in order that he may be of +some personal advantage to her. If I DID deal severely with this woman, +keeping her from her flatterers who would have bred discord between us, +and locking her up out of mischief, who shall say that I was wrong? If +any woman deserved a strait-waistcoat,--it was my Lady Lyndon; and I +have known people in my time manacled, and with their heads shaved, in +the straw, who had not committed half the follies of that foolish, vain, +infatuated creature. + +My mother was so enraged by the charges against me and herself which +these letters contained, that it was with the utmost difficulty I could +keep her from discovering our knowledge of them to Lady Lyndon; whom it +was, of course, my object to keep in ignorance of our knowledge of her +designs: for I was anxious to know how far they went, and to what pitch +of artifice she would go. The letters increased in interest (as they say +of the novels) as they proceeded. Pictures were drawn of my treatment +of her which would make your heart throb. I don't know of what +monstrosities she did not accuse me, and what miseries and starvation +she did not profess herself to undergo; all the while she was living +exceedingly fat and contented, to outward appearances, at our house at +Castle Lyndon. Novel-reading and vanity had turned her brain. I could +not say a rough word to her (and she merited many thousands a day, I +can tell you), but she declared I was putting her to the torture; and +my mother could not remonstrate with her but she went off into a fit of +hysterics, of which she would declare the worthy old lady was the cause. + +At last she began to threaten to kill herself; and though I by no means +kept the cutlery out of the way, did not stint her in garters, and left +her doctor's shop at her entire service,--knowing her character full +well, and that there was no woman in Christendom less likely to lay +hands on her precious life than herself; yet these threats had an +effect, evidently, in the quarter to which they were addressed; for the +milliner's packets now began to arrive with great frequency, and the +bills sent to her contained assurances of coming aid. The chivalrous +Lord George Poynings was coming to his cousin's rescue, and did me +the compliment to say that he hoped to free his dear cousin from the +clutches of the most atrocious villain that ever disgraced humanity; and +that, when she was free, measures should be taken for a divorce, on the +ground of cruelty and every species of ill-usage on my part. + +I had copies of all these precious documents on one side and the other +carefully made, by my beforementioned relative, godson, and secretary, +Mr. Redmond Quin at present the WORTHY agent of the Castle Lyndon +property. This was a son of my old flame Nora, whom I had taken from her +in a fit of generosity; promising to care for his education at Trinity +College, and provide for him through life. But after the lad had been +for a year at the University, the tutors would not admit him to commons +or lectures until his college bills were paid; and, offended by this +insolent manner of demanding the paltry sum due, I withdrew my patronage +from the place, and ordered my gentleman to Castle Lyndon; where I made +him useful to me in a hundred ways. In my dear little boy's lifetime, +he tutored the poor child as far as his high spirit would let him; but +I promise you it was small trouble poor dear Bryan ever gave the +books. Then he kept Mrs. Barry's accounts; copied my own interminable +correspondence with my lawyers and the agents of all my various +property; took a hand at piquet or backgammon of evenings with me and +my mother; or, being an ingenious lad enough (though of a mean boorish +spirit, as became the son of such a father), accompanied my Lady +Lyndon's spinet with his flageolet; or read French and Italian with her: +in both of which languages her Ladyship was a fine scholar, and with +which he also became conversant. It would make my watchful old mother +very angry to hear them conversing in these languages; for, not +understanding a word of either of them, Mrs. Barry was furious when they +were spoken, and always said it was some scheming they were after. It +was Lady Lyndon's constant way of annoying the old lady, when the three +were alone together, to address Quin in one or other of these tongues. + +I was perfectly at ease with regard to his fidelity, for I had bred the +lad, and loaded him with benefits; and, besides, had had various proofs +of his trustworthiness. He it was who brought me three of Lord George's +letters, in reply to some of my Lady's complaints; which were concealed +between the leather and the boards of a book which was sent from the +circulating library for her Ladyship's perusal. He and my Lady too had +frequent quarrels. She mimicked his gait in her pleasanter moments; +in her haughty moods, she would not sit down to table with a tailor's +grandson. 'Send me anything for company but that odious Quin,' she would +say, when I proposed that he should go and amuse her with his books and +his flute; for, quarrelsome as we were, it must not be supposed we were +always at it: I was occasionally attentive to her. We would be friends +for a month together, sometimes; then we would quarrel for a fortnight; +then she would keep her apartments for a month: all of which domestic +circumstances were noted down, in her Ladyship's peculiar way, in her +journal of captivity, as she called it; and a pretty document it is! +Sometimes she writes, 'My monster has been almost kind to-day;' or, 'My +ruffian has deigned to smile.' Then she will break out into expressions +of savage hate; but for my poor mother it was ALWAYS hatred. It was, +'The she-dragon is sick to-day; I wish to Heaven she would die!' or, +'The hideous old Irish basketwoman has been treating me to some of her +Billingsgate to-day,' and so forth: all which expressions, read to Mrs. +Barry, or translated from the French and Italian, in which many of them +were written, did not fail to keep the old lady in a perpetual fury +against her charge: and so I had my watch-dog, as I called her, always +on the alert. In translating these languages, young Quin was of great +service to me; for I had a smattering of French--and High Dutch, when I +was in the army, of course, I knew well--but Italian I knew nothing of, +and was glad of the services of so faithful and cheap an interpreter. + +This cheap and faithful interpreter, this godson and kinsman, on whom +and on whose family I had piled up benefits, was actually trying to +betray me; and for several months, at least, was in league with the +enemy against me. I believe that the reason why they did not move +earlier was the want of the great mover of all treasons--money: of +which, in all parts of my establishment, there was a woful scarcity; but +of this they also managed to get a supply through my rascal of a godson, +who could come and go quite unsuspected: the whole scheme was arranged +under our very noses, and the post-chaise ordered, and the means of +escape actually got ready; while I never suspected their design. + +A mere accident made me acquainted with their plan. One of my colliers +had a pretty daughter; and this pretty lass had for her bachelor, as +they call them in Ireland, a certain lad, who brought the letter-bag +for Castle Lyndon (and many a dunning letter for me was there in it, God +wot!): this letter-boy told his sweetheart how he brought a bag of money +from the town for Master Quin; and how that Tim the post-boy had told +him that he was to bring a chaise down to the water at a certain hour. +Miss Rooney, who had no secrets from me, blurted out the whole story; +asked me what scheming I was after, and what poor unlucky girl I was +going to carry away with the chaise I had ordered, and bribe with the +money I had got from town? + +Then the whole secret flashed upon me, that the man I had cherished in +my bosom was going to betray me. I thought at one time of catching the +couple in the act of escape, half drowning them in the ferry which they +had to cross to get to their chaise, and of pistolling the young traitor +before Lady Lyndon's eyes; but, on second thoughts, it was quite clear +that the news of the escape would make a noise through the country, and +rouse the confounded justice's people about my ears, and bring me no +good in the end. So I was obliged to smother my just indignation, and +to content myself by crushing the foul conspiracy, just at the moment it +was about to be hatched. + +I went home, and in half-an-hour, and with a few of my terrible looks, I +had Lady Lyndon on her knees, begging me to forgive her; confessing +all and everything; ready to vow and swear she would never make such an +attempt again; and declaring that she was fifty times on the point of +owning everything to me, but that she feared my wrath against the poor +young lad her accomplice: who was indeed the author and inventor of +all the mischief. This--though I knew how entirely false the statement +was--I was fain to pretend to believe; so I begged her to write to her +cousin, Lord George, who had supplied her with money, as she admitted, +and with whom the plan had been arranged, stating, briefly, that she had +altered her mind as to the trip to the country proposed; and that, as +her dear husband was rather in delicate health, she preferred to stay at +home and nurse him. I added a dry postscript, in which I stated that it +would give me great pleasure if his Lordship would come and visit us +at Castle Lyndon, and that I longed to renew an acquaintance which in +former times gave me so much satisfaction. 'I should seek him out,' +I added, 'so soon as ever I was in his neighbourhood, and eagerly +anticipated the pleasure of a meeting with him.' I think he must have +understood my meaning perfectly well; which was, that I would run him +through the body on the very first occasion I could come at him. + +Then I had a scene with my perfidious rascal of a nephew; in which the +young reprobate showed an audacity and a spirit for which I was quite +unprepared. When I taxed him with ingratitude, 'What do I owe you?' said +he. 'I have toiled for you as no man ever did for another, and worked +without a penny of wages. It was you yourself who set me against you, +by giving me a task against which my soul revolted,--by making me a spy +over your unfortunate wife, whose weakness is as pitiable as are her +misfortunes and your rascally treatment of her. Flesh and blood could +not bear to see the manner in which you used her. I tried to help her +to escape from you; and I would do it again, if the opportunity offered, +and so I tell you to your teeth!' When I offered to blow his brains out +for his insolence, 'Pooh!' said he,--'kill the man who saved your poor +boy's life once, and who was endeavouring to keep him out of the +ruin and perdition into which a wicked father was leading him, when a +Merciful Power interposed, and withdrew him from this house of crime? I +would have left you months ago, but I hoped for some chance of rescuing +this unhappy lady. I swore I would try, the day I saw you strike her. +Kill me, you woman's bully! You would if you dared; but you have not the +heart. Your very servants like me better than you. Touch me, and they +will rise and send you to the gallows you merit!' + +I interrupted this neat speech by sending a water-bottle at the young +gentleman's head, which felled him to the ground; and then I went to +meditate upon what he had said to me. It was true the fellow had saved +poor little Bryan's life, and the boy to his dying day was tenderly +attached to him. 'Be good to Redmond, papa,' were almost the last words +he spoke; and I promised the poor child, on his death-bed, that I would +do as he asked. It was also true, that rough usage of him would be +little liked by my people, with whom he had managed to become a great +favourite: for, somehow, though I got drunk with the rascals often, and +was much more familiar with them than a man of my rank commonly is, +yet I knew I was by no means liked by them; and the scoundrels were +murmuring against me perpetually. + +But I might have spared myself the trouble of debating what his fate +should be, for the young gentleman took the disposal of it out of my +hands in the simplest way in the world: viz. by washing and binding up +his head so soon as he came to himself: by taking his horse from the +stables; and, as he was quite free to go in and out of the house and +park as he liked, he disappeared without the least let or hindrance; +and leaving the horse behind him at the ferry, went off in the very +post-chaise which was waiting for Lady Lyndon. I saw and heard no more +of him for a considerable time; and now that he was out of the house, +did not consider him a very troublesome enemy. + +But the cunning artifice of woman is such that, I think, in the long +run, no man, were he Machiavel himself, could escape from it; and +though I had ample proofs in the above transaction (in which my wife's +perfidious designs were frustrated by my foresight), and under her own +handwriting, of the deceitfulness of her character and her hatred +for me, yet she actually managed to deceive me, in spite of all my +precautions and the vigilance of my mother in my behalf. Had I followed +that good lady's advice, who scented the danger from afar off, as it +were, I should never have fallen into the snare prepared for me; and +which was laid in a way that was as successful as it was simple. + +My Lady Lyndon's relation with me was a singular one. Her life was +passed in a crack-brained sort of alternation between love and hatred +for me. If I was in a good-humour with her (as occurred sometimes) there +was nothing she would not do to propitiate me further; and she would +be as absurd and violent in her expressions of fondness as, at other +moments, she would be in her demonstrations of hatred. It is not your +feeble easy husbands who are loved best in the world; according to my +experience of it. I do think the women like a little violence of temper, +and think no worse of a husband who exercises his authority pretty +smartly. I had got my Lady into such a terror about me, that when I +smiled, it was quite an era of happiness to her; and if I beckoned to +her, she would come fawning up to me like a dog. I recollect how, for +the few days I was at school, the cowardly mean-spirited fellows would +laugh if ever our schoolmaster made a joke. It was the same in +the regiment whenever the bully of a sergeant was disposed to be +jocular--not a recruit but was on the broad grin. Well, a wise and +determined husband will get his wife into this condition of discipline; +and I brought my high-born wife to kiss my hand, to pull off my boots, +to fetch and carry for me like a servant, and always to make it a +holiday, too, when I was in good-humour. I confided perhaps too much +in the duration of this disciplined obedience, and forgot that the very +hypocrisy which forms a part of it (all timid people are liars in their +hearts) may be exerted in a way that may be far from agreeable, in order +to deceive you. + +After the ill-success of her last adventure, which gave me endless +opportunities to banter her, one would have thought I might have been on +my guard as to what her real intentions were; but she managed to mislead +me with an art of dissimulation quite admirable, and lulled me into a +fatal security with regard to her intentions: for, one day, as I was +joking her, and asking her whether she would take the water again, +whether she had found another lover, and so forth, she suddenly burst +into tears, and, seizing hold of my hand, cried passionately out,-- + +'Ah, Barry, you know well enough that I have never loved but you! Was I +ever so wretched that a kind word from you did not make me happy! ever +so angry, but the least offer of goodwill on your part did not bring me +to your side? Did I not give a sufficient proof of my affection for +you, in bestowing one of the first fortunes in England upon you? Have I +repined or rebuked you for the way you have wasted it? No, I loved you +too much and too fondly; I have always loved you. From the first moment +I saw you, I felt irresistibly attracted towards you. I saw your bad +qualities, and trembled at your violence; but I could not help loving +you. I married you, though I knew I was sealing my own fate in doing so; +and in spite of reason and duty. What sacrifice do you want from me? I +am ready to make any, so you will but love me; or, if not, that at least +you will gently use me.' + +I was in a particularly good humour that day, and we had a sort of +reconciliation: though my mother, when she heard the speech, and saw me +softening towards her Ladyship, warned me solemnly, and said, 'Depend +on it, the artful hussy has some other scheme in her head now.' The old +lady was right; and I swallowed the bait which her Ladyship had prepared +to entrap me as simply as any gudgeon takes a hook. + +I had been trying to negotiate with a man for some money, for which I +had pressing occasion; but since our dispute regarding the affair of +the succession, my Lady had resolutely refused to sign any papers for my +advantage: and without her name, I am sorry to say, my own was of little +value in the market, and I could not get a guinea from any money-dealer +in London or Dublin. Nor could I get the rascals from the latter place +to visit me at Castle Lyndon: owing to that unlucky affair I had with +Lawyer Sharp when I made him lend me the money he brought down, and +old Salmon the Jew being robbed of the bond I gave him after leaving my +house, [Footnote: These exploits of Mr. Lyndon are not related in the +narrative. He probably, in the cases above alluded to, took the law into +his own hands.] the people would not trust themselves within my walls +any more. Our rents, too, were in the hands of receivers by this time, +and it was as much as I could do to get enough money from the rascals to +pay my wine-merchants their bills. Our English property, as I have +said, was equally hampered; and, as often as I applied to my lawyers and +agents for money, would come a reply demanding money of me, for debts +and pretended claims which the rapacious rascals said they had on me. + +It was, then, with some feelings of pleasure that I got a letter from +my confidential man in Gray's Inn, London, saying (in reply to some +ninety-ninth demand of mine) that he thought he could get me some money; +and inclosing a letter from a respectable firm in the city of London, +connected with the mining interest, which offered to redeem the +incumbrance in taking a long lease of certain property of ours, which +was still pretty free, upon the Countess's signature; and provided they +could be assured of her free will in giving it. They said they heard +she lived in terror of her life from me, and meditated a separation, in +which case she might repudiate any deeds signed by her while in durance, +and subject them, at any rate, to a doubtful and expensive litigation; +and demanded to be made assured of her Ladyship's perfect free will in +the transaction before they advanced a shilling of their capital. + +Their terms were so exorbitant, that I saw at once their offer must be +sincere; and, as my Lady was in her gracious mood, had no difficulty in +persuading her to write a letter, in her own hand, declaring that the +accounts of our misunderstandings were utter calumnies; that we lived +in perfect union, and that she was quite ready to execute any deed which +her husband might desire her to sign. + +This proposal was a very timely one, and filled me with great hopes. +I have not pestered my readers with many accounts of my debts and law +affairs; which were by this time so vast and complicated that I never +thoroughly knew them myself, and was rendered half wild by their +urgency. Suffice it to say, my money was gone--my credit was done. I was +living at Castle Lyndon off my own beef and mutton, and the bread, turf, +and potatoes off my own estate: I had to watch Lady Lyndon within, and +the bailiffs without. For the last two years, since I went to Dublin +to receive money (which I unluckily lost at play there, to the +disappointment of my creditors), I did not venture to show in that city: +and could only appear at our own county town at rare intervals, and +because I knew the sheriffs: whom I swore I would murder if any ill +chance happened to me. A chance of a good loan, then, was the most +welcome prospect possible to me, and I hailed it with all the eagerness +imaginable. + +In reply to Lady Lyndon's letter, came, in course of time, an answer +from the confounded London merchants, stating that if her Ladyship +would confirm by word of mouth, at their counting-house in Birchin Lane, +London, the statement of her letter, they, having surveyed her property, +would no doubt come to terms; but they declined incurring the risk of +a visit to Castle Lyndon to negotiate, as they were aware how other +respectable parties, such as Messrs. Sharp and Salmon of Dublin, +had been treated there. This was a hit at me; but there are certain +situations in which people can't dictate their own terms: and, 'faith, +I was so pressed now for money, that I could have signed a bond with Old +Nick himself, if he had come provided with a good round sum. + +I resolved to go and take the Countess to London. It was in vain that +my mother prayed and warned me. 'Depend on it,' says she, 'there is some +artifice. When once you get into that wicked town, you are not safe. +Here you may live for years and years, in luxury and splendour, barring +claret and all the windows broken; but as soon as they have you in +London, they'll get the better of my poor innocent lad; and the first +thing I shall hear of you will be, that you are in trouble.' + +'Why go, Redmond?' said my wife. 'I am happy here, as long as you are +kind to me, as you are now. We can't appear in London as we ought; the +little money you will get will be spent, like all the rest has been. +Let us turn shepherd and shepherdess, and look to our flocks and be +content.' And she took my hand and kissed it; while my mother only said, +'Humph! I believe she's at the bottom of it--the wicked SCHAMER!' + +I told my wife she was a fool; bade Mrs. Barry not be uneasy, and was +hot upon going: I would take no denial from either party. How I was to +get the money to go was the question; but that was solved by my good +mother, who was always ready to help me on a pinch, and who produced +sixty guineas from a stocking. This was all the ready money that Barry +Lyndon, of Castle Lyndon, and married to a fortune of forty thousand a +year, could command: such had been the havoc made in this fine fortune +by my own extravagance (as I must confess), but chiefly by my misplaced +confidence and the rascality of others. + +We did not start in state, you may be sure. We did not let the country +know we were going, or leave notice of adieu with our neighbours. The +famous Mr. Barry Lyndon and his noble wife travelled in a hack-chaise +and pair to Waterford, under the name of Mr. and Mrs. Jones, and thence +took shipping for Bristol, where we arrived quite without accident. When +a man is going to the deuce, how easy and pleasant the journey is! The +thought of the money quite put me in a good humour, and my wife, as she +lay on my shoulder in the post-chaise going to London, said it was the +happiest ride she had taken since our marriage. + +One night we stayed at Reading, whence I despatched a note to my agent +at Gray's Inn, saying I would be with him during the day, and begging +him to procure me a lodging, and to hasten the preparations for the +loan. My Lady and I agreed that we would go to France, and wait there +for better times; and that night, over our supper, formed a score of +plans both for pleasure and retrenchment. You would have thought it +was Darby and Joan together over their supper. O woman! woman! when I +recollect Lady Lyndon's smiles and blandishments--how happy she seemed +to be on that night! what an air of innocent confidence appeared in +her behaviour, and what affectionate names she called me!--I am lost +in wonder at the depth of her hypocrisy. Who can be surprised that an +unsuspecting person like myself should have been a victim to such a +consummate deceiver! + +We were in London at three o'clock, and half-an-hour before the time +appointed our chaise drove to Gray's Inn. I easily found out Mr. +Tapewell's apartments--a gloomy den it was, and in an unlucky hour I +entered it! As we went up the dirty back-stair, lighted by a feeble lamp +and the dim sky of a dismal London afternoon, my wife seemed agitated +and faint. + +'Redmond,' said she, as we got up to the door, 'don't go in: I am +sure there is danger. There's time yet; let us go back--to +Ireland--anywhere!' And she put herself before the door, in one of her +theatrical attitudes, and took my hand. + +I just pushed her away to one side. 'Lady Lyndon,' said I, 'you are an +old fool!' + +'Old fool!' said she; and she jumped at the bell, which was quickly +answered by a mouldy-looking gentleman in an unpowdered wig, to whom she +cried, 'Say Lady Lyndon is here;' and stalked down the passage muttering +'Old fool.' It was 'OLD' which was the epithet that touched her. I might +call her anything but that. + +Mr. Tapewell was in his musty room, surrounded by his parchments and tin +boxes. He advanced and bowed; begged her Ladyship to be seated; pointed +towards a chair for me, which I took, rather wondering at his insolence; +and then retreated to a side-door, saying he would be back in one +moment. + +And back he DID come in one moment, bringing with him--whom do you +think? Another lawyer, six constables in red waistcoats with bludgeons +and pistols, my Lord George Poynings, and his aunt Lady Jane Peckover. + +When my Lady Lyndon saw her old flame, she flung herself into his arms +in an hysterical passion. She called him her saviour, her preserver, +her gallant knight; and then, turning round to me, poured out a flood of +invective which quite astonished me. + +'Old fool as I am,' said she, 'I have outwitted the most crafty and +treacherous monster under the sun. Yes, I WAS a fool when I married you, +and gave up other and nobler hearts for your sake--yes, I was a fool +when I forgot my name and lineage to unite myself with a base-born +adventurer--a fool to bear, without repining, the most monstrous tyranny +that ever woman suffered; to allow my property to be squandered; to see +women, as base and low-born as yourself'-- + +'For Heaven's sake, be calm!' cries the lawyer; and then bounded back +behind the constables, seeing a threatening look in my eye which the +rascal did not like. Indeed. I could have torn him to pieces, had he +come near me. Meanwhile, my Lady continued in a strain of incoherent +fury; screaming against me, and against my mother especially, upon whom +she heaped abuse worthy of Billingsgate, and always beginning and ending +the sentence with the word fool. + +'You don't tell all, my Lady,' says I bitterly; 'I said OLD fool.' + +'I have no doubt you said and did, sir, everything that a blackguard +could say or do,' interposed little Poynings. 'This lady is now safe +under the protection of her relations and the law, and need fear your +infamous persecutions no longer.' + +'But YOU are not safe,' roared I; 'and, as sure as I am a man of honour, +and have tasted your blood once, I will have your heart's blood now.' + +'Take down his words, constables: swear the peace against him!' screamed +the little lawyer, from behind his tipstaffs. + +'I would not sully my sword with the blood of such a ruffian,' cried my +Lord, relying on the same doughty protection. 'If the scoundrel remains +in London another day, he will be seized as a common swindler.' And this +threat indeed made me wince; for I knew that there were scores of writs +out against me in town, and that once in prison my case was hopeless. + +'Where's the man will seize me!' shouted I, drawing my sword, and +placing my back to the door. 'Let the scoundrel come. You--you cowardly +braggart, come first, if you have the soul of a man!' + +'We're not going to seize you!' said the lawyer; my Ladyship, her aunt, +and a division of the bailiffs moving off as he spoke. 'My dear sir, we +don't wish to seize you: we will give you a handsome sum to leave the +country; only leave her Ladyship in peace!' + +'And the country will be well rid of such a villain!' says my Lord, +retreating too, and not sorry to get out of my reach: and the scoundrel +of a lawyer followed him, leaving me in possession of the apartment, and +in company of the bullies from the police-office, who were all armed to +the teeth. I was no longer the man I was at twenty, when I should have +charged the ruffians sword in hand, and have sent at least one of them +to his account. I was broken in spirit; regularly caught in the toils: +utterly baffled and beaten by that woman. Was she relenting at the door, +when she paused and begged me turn back? Had she not a lingering love +for me still? Her conduct showed it, as I came to reflect on it. It was +my only chance now left in the world, so I put down my sword upon the +lawyer's desk. + +'Gentlemen,' said I, 'I shall use no violence; you may tell Mr. Tapewell +I am quite ready to speak with him when he is at leisure!' and I sat +down and folded my arms quite peaceably. What a change from the Barry +Lyndon of old days! but, as I have read in an old book about Hannibal +the Carthaginian general, when he invaded the Romans, his troops, which +were the most gallant in the world, and carried all before them, went +into cantonments in some city where they were so sated with the +luxuries and pleasures of life, that they were easily beaten in the next +campaign. It was so with me now. My strength of mind and body were no +longer those of the brave youth who shot his man at fifteen, and fought +a score of battles within six years afterwards. Now, in the Fleet +Prison, where I write this, there is a small man who is always jeering +me and making game of me; who asks me to fight, and I haven't the +courage to touch him. But I am anticipating the gloomy and wretched +events of my history of humiliation, and had better proceed in order. + +I took a lodging in a coffee-house near Gray's Inn; taking care to +inform Mr. Tapewell of my whereabouts, and anxiously expecting a visit +from him. He came and brought me the terms which Lady Lyndon's friends +proposed-a paltry annuity of L300 a year; to be paid on the condition of +my remaining abroad out of the three kingdoms, and to be stopped on the +instant of my return. He told me what I very well knew, that my stay +in London would infallibly plunge me in gaol; that there were writs +innumerable taken out against me here, and in the West of England; that +my credit was so blown upon that I could not hope to raise a shilling; +and he left me a night to consider of his proposal; saying that, if I +refused it, the family would proceed: if I acceded, a quarter's salary +should be paid to me at any foreign port I should prefer. + +What was the poor, lonely, and broken-hearted man to do? I took the +annuity, and was declared outlaw in the course of next week. The rascal +Quin had, I found, been, after all, the cause of my undoing. It was he +devised the scheme for bringing me up to London; sealing the attorney's +letter with a seal which had been agreed upon between him and the +Countess formerly: indeed he had always been for trying the plan, and +had proposed it at first; but her Ladyship, with her inordinate love of +romance, preferred the project of elopement. Of these points my mother +wrote me word in my lonely exile, offering at the same time to come over +and share it with me; which proposal I declined. She left Castle Lyndon +a very short time after I had quitted it; and there was silence in that +hall where, under my authority, had been exhibited so much hospitality +and splendour. She thought she would never see me again, and bitterly +reproached me for neglecting her; but she was mistaken in that, and in +her estimate of me. She is very old, and is sitting by my side at this +moment in the prison, working: she has a bedroom in Fleet Market over +the way; and, with the fifty-pound annuity, which she has kept with +a wise prudence, we manage to eke out a miserable existence, quite +unworthy of the famous and fashionable Barry Lyndon. + + Mr. Barry Lyndon's personal narrative finishes here, for the hand +of death interrupted the ingenious author soon after the period at which +the Memoir was compiled; after he had lived nineteen years an inmate +of the Fleet Prison, where the prison records state he died of delirium +tremens. His mother attained a prodigious old age, and the inhabitants +of the place in her time can record with accuracy the daily disputes +which used to take place between mother and son; until the latter, from +habits of intoxication, falling into a state of almost imbecility, +was tended by his tough old parent as a baby almost, and would cry if +deprived of his necessary glass of brandy. + +His life on the Continent we have not the means of following accurately; +but he appears to have resumed his former profession of a gambler, +without his former success. + +He returned secretly to England, after some time, and made an abortive +attempt to extort money from Lord George Poynings, under a threat of +publishing his correspondence with Lady Lyndon, and so preventing +his Lordship's match with Miss Driver, a great heiress, of strict +principles, and immense property in slaves in the West Indies. +Barry narrowly escaped being taken prisoner by the bailiffs who were +despatched after him by his lordship, who would have stopped his +pension; but Lady Lyndon would never consent to that act of justice, +and, indeed, broke with my Lord George the very moment he married the +West India lady. + +The fact is, the old Countess thought her charms were perennial, and was +never out of love with her husband. She was living at Bath; her property +being carefully nursed by her noble relatives the Tiptoffs, who were to +succeed to it in default of direct heirs: and such was the address of +Barry, and the sway he still held over the woman, that he actually had +almost persuaded her to go and live with him again; when his plan and +hers was interrupted by the appearance of a person who had been deemed +dead for several years. + +This was no other than Viscount Bullingdon, who started up to the +surprise of all; and especially to that of his kinsman of the house +of Tiptoff. This young nobleman made his appearance at Bath, with +the letter from Barry to Lord George in his hand; in which the former +threatened to expose his connection with Lady Lyndon--a connection, +we need not state, which did not reflect the slightest dishonour upon +either party, and only showed that her Ladyship was in the habit of +writing exceedingly foolish letters; as many ladies, nay gentlemen, have +done ere this. For calling the honour of his mother in question, Lord +Bullingdon assaulted his stepfather (living at Bath under the name of +Mr. Jones), and administered to him a tremendous castigation in the +Pump-Room. + +His Lordship's history, since his departure, was a romantic one, which +we do not feel bound to narrate. He had been wounded in the American +War, reported dead, left prisoner, and escaped. The remittances which +were promised him were never sent; the thought of the neglect almost +broke the heart of the wild and romantic young man, and he determined to +remain dead to the world at least, and to the mother who had denied +him. It was in the woods of Canada, and three years after the event had +occurred, that he saw the death of his half-brother chronicled in +the Gentleman's Magazine, under the title of 'Fatal Accident to Lord +Viscount Castle Lyndon;' on which he determined to return to England: +where, though he made himself known, it was with very great difficulty +indeed that he satisfied Lord Tiptoff of the authenticity of his +claim. He was about to pay a visit to his lady mother at Bath, when +he recognised the well-known face of Mr. Barry Lyndon, in spite of the +modest disguise which that gentleman wore, and revenged upon his person +the insults of former days. + +Lady Lyndon was furious when she heard of the rencounter; declined +to see her son, and was for rushing at once to the arms of her adored +Barry; but that gentleman had been carried off, meanwhile, from gaol to +gaol, until he was lodged in the hands of Mr. Bendigo, of Chancery Lane, +an assistant to the Sheriff of Middlesex; from whose house he went to +the Fleet Prison. The Sheriff and his assistant, the prisoner, nay, the +prison itself, are now no more. + +As long as Lady Lyndon lived, Barry enjoyed his income, and was perhaps +as happy in prison as at any period of his existence; when her Ladyship +died, her successor sternly cut off the annuity, devoting the sum +to charities: which, he said, would make a nobler use of it than the +scoundrel who had enjoyed it hitherto. At his Lordship's death, in the +Spanish campaign, in the year 1811, his estate fell in to the family of +the Tiptoffs, and his title merged in their superior rank; but it does +not appear that the Marquis of Tiptoff (Lord George succeeded to the +title on the demise of his brother) renewed either the pension of Mr. +Barry or the charities which the late lord had endowed. The estate has +vastly improved under his Lordship's careful management. The trees in +Hackton Park are all about forty years old, and the Irish property is +rented in exceedingly small farms to the peasantry; who still entertain +the stranger with stories of the daring and the devilry, and the +wickedness and the fall of Barry Lyndon. + +THE END + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Barry Lyndon, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BARRY LYNDON *** + +***** This file should be named 4558.txt or 4558.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/5/5/4558/ + +Produced by Steve Harris, Charles Franks and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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