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diff --git a/45554-0.txt b/45554-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..53f77df --- /dev/null +++ b/45554-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1195 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 45554 *** + +DOCTOR BIRCH AND HIS YOUNG FRIENDS. + +By Mr. M. A. Titmarsh. + +London: + +Chapman and Hall + +1840. + +[Illustration: 0008] + +[Illustration: 0009] + +[Illustration: 00011] + + + + +DOCTOR BIRCH. + + + + +THE DOCTOR AND HIS STAFF. + +|There is no need to say why I became Assistant Master and Professor of +the English and French languages, flower-painting, and the German flute, +in Doctor Birch's Academy, at Rodwell Regis. Good folks may depend on +this that there was good reason for my leaving lodgings near London, +and a genteel society, for an under-master's desk in that old school. +I promise you, the fare at the Usher's table, the getting up at five +o'clock in the morning, the walking out with little boys in the fields, +(who used to play me tricks, and never could be got to respect my awful +and responsible character as teacher in the school,) Miss Birch's vulgar +insolence, Jack Birch's glum condescension, and the poor old Doctor's +patronage, were not matters in themselves pleasurable: and that that +patronage and those dinners were sometimes cruel hard to swallow. Never +mind--my connexion with the place is over now, and I hope they have got +a more efficient under-master. + +Jack Birch (Rev. J. Birch, of St. Neot's Hall, Oxford,) is partner with +his father the Doctor, and takes some of the classes. About his Greek +I can't say much; but I will construe him in Latin any day. A more +supercilious little prig, (giving himself airs, too, about his cousin, +Miss Baby, who lives with the Doctor,) a more empty pompous little +coxcomb I never saw. His white neckcloth looked as if it choked him. He +used to try and look over that starch upon me and Prince the assistant, +as if we were a couple of footmen. He didn't do much business in the +school; but occupied his time in writing sanctified letters to the boys' +parents, and in composing dreary sermons to preach to them. + +The real master of the school is Prince; an Oxford man too: shy, +haughty, and learned; crammed with Greek and a quantity of useless +learning; uncommonly kind to the small boys; pitiless with the fools +and the braggarts: respected of all for his honesty, his learning, his +bravery, (for he hit out once in a boat-row in a way which astonished +the boys and the bargemen,) and for a latent power about him, which all +saw and confessed somehow. Jack Birch could never look him in the face. +Old Miss Z. dared not put off any of _her_ airs upon him. Miss Rosa made +him the lowest of curtsies. Miss Raby said she was afraid of him. +Good old Prince! many a pleasant night we have smoked in the Doctor's +harness-room, whither we retired when our boys were gone to bed, and our +cares and canes put by. + +After Jack Birch had taken his degree at Oxford--a process which he +effected with great difficulty--this place, which used to be called +"Birch's," "Dr. Birch's Academy," and what not, became suddenly +"Archbishop Wigsby's College of Rodwell Regis." They took down the old +blue board with the gold letters, which has been used to mend the pig- +stye since. Birch had a large school-room run up in the Gothic taste, +with statuettes, and a little belfry, and a bust of Archbishop Wigsby in +the middle of the school. He put the six senior boys into caps and +gowns, which had rather a good effect as the lads sauntered down the +street of the town, but which certainly provoked the contempt and +hostility of the bargemen; and so great was his rage for academic +costumes and ordinances, that he would have put me myself into a lay +gown, with red knots and fringes, but that I flatly resisted, and said +that a writing-master had no business with such paraphernalia. + +By the way, I have forgotten to mention the Doctor himself. And what +shall I say of him? Well, he has a very crisp gown and bands, a solemn +air, a tremendous loud voice, and a grand and solemn air with the boys' +parents, whom he receives in a study, covered round with the best bound +books, which imposes upon many--upon the women especially--and makes +them fancy that this is a Doctor indeed. But, Law bless you! He never +reads the books; or opens one of them, except that in which he keeps his +bands--and a Dugdale's Monasticon, which looks like a book, but is in +reality a cupboard, where he has his almond cakes, and decanter of port +wine. He gets up his classics with translations, or what the boys call +cribs. They pass wicked tricks upon him when he hears the forms. The +elder wags go to his study, and ask him to help them in hard bits of +Herodotus or Thucydides: he says he will look over the passage, and +flies for refuge to Mr. Prince, or to the crib. + +He keeps the flogging department in his own hands; finding that his +son was too savage. He has awful brows and a big voice. But his roar +frightens nobody. It is only a lion's skin, or, so to say, a muff. + +Little Mordant made a picture of him with large ears, like a well-known +domestic animal, and had his own justly boxed for the caricature. +The Doctor discovered him in the fact, and was in a flaming rage, and +threatened whipping at first; but in the course of the day an opportune +basket of game arriving from Mordant's father, the Doctor became +mollified, and has burnt the picture with the ears. However I have one +wafered up in my desk by the hand of the same little rascal: and the +frontispiece of this very book is drawn from it. + + + + +THE COCK OF THE SCHOOL. + +|I am growing an old fellow--and have seen many great folks in the +course of my travels and time--Louis Philippe coming out of the +Tuileries, His Majesty the King of Prussia and the Reichsverweser +accolading each other, at Cologne, at my elbow; Admiral Sir Charles +Napier (in an omnibus once), the Duke of Wellington, the immortal Goethe +at Weimar, the late benevolent Pope Gregory XVI., and a score more of +the famous in this world--the whom, whenever one looks at, one has a +mild shock of awe and tremor. I like this feeling and decent fear and +trembling with which a modest spirit salutes a _Great Man_. + +Well, I have seen Generals capering on horseback at the head of their +crimson battalions; Bishops sailing down cathedral aisles, with downcast +eyes, pressing their trencher caps to their hearts with their fat white +hands; College heads when her Majesty is on a visit; the Doctor in all +his glory at the head of his school on Speech-day, a great sight,--and +all great men these. + +I have never met the late Mr. Thomas Cribb, but I have no doubt should +have regarded him with the same feeling of awe with which I look every +day at George Champion, the cock of Dr. Birch's school. + +When, I say, I reflect as I go up and set him a sum, that he could whop +me in two minutes, double up Prince and the other assistant, and pitch +the Doctor out of window, I can't but think how great, how generous, how +magnanimous a creature this is, that sits quite quiet and good-natured, +and works his equation, and ponders through his Greek play. He might +take the schoolroom pillars and pull the house down if he liked. He +might close the door, and demolish every one of us like Antar, the lover +of Ibla; but he lets us live. He never thrashes anybody without a cause, +when woe betide the tyrant or the sneak! + +I think that to be strong, and able to whop everybody,--(not to do +it, mind you, but to feel that you were able to do it,)--would be the +greatest of all gifts. There is a serene good humour which plays about +George Champion's broad face, which shows the consciousness of this +power, and lights up his honest blue eyes with a magnanimous calm. + +He is invictus. Even when a cub there was no beating this lion. Six +years ago the undaunted little warrior actually stood up to Frank +Davison,--(the Indian officer now--poor little Charley's brother, whom +Miss Raby nursed so affectionately,)--then seventeen years old, and the +cock of Birch's. They were obliged to drag off the boy, and Frank, with +admiration and regard for him, prophesied the great things he would do. +Legends of combats are preserved fondly in schools; they have stories of +such at Rodwell Regis, performed in the old Doctor's time, forty years +ago. + +Champion's affair with the Young Tutbury Pet, who was down here in +training,--with Black the Bargeman,--with the three head boys of Doctor +Wapshot's academy, whom he caught maltreating an outlying day-boy +of ours, &c.,--are known to all the Rodwell Regis men. He was always +victorious. He is modest and kind, like all great men. He has a good, +brave, honest understanding. He cannot make verses like young Pinder, +or read Greek like Lawrence the Prefect, who is a perfect young abyss of +learning, and knows enough, Prince says, to furnish any six first-class +men; but he does his work in a sound, downright way, and he is made +to be the bravest of soldiers, the best of country parsons, an honest +English gentleman wherever he may go. + +[Illustration: 0021] + +Like all great men, George is good-humoured and lazy. There is a +particular bench in the play-ground on which he will loll for hours on +half-holidays, and is so affable that the smallest boys come and speak +to him. It is pleasant to see the young cubs frisking round the honest +lion. His chief friend and attendant, however, is young Jack Hall, whom +he saved when drowning, out of the Miller's Pool. The attachment of the +two is curious to witness. The smaller lad gambolling, playing tricks +round the bigger one, and perpetually making fun of his protector. They +are never far apart, and of holidays you may meet them miles away from +the school. George sauntering heavily down the lanes with his big stick, +and little Jack larking with the pretty girls in the cottage windows. + +George has a boat on the river, in which, however, he commonly lies +smoking, whilst Jack sculls him. He does not play at cricket, except +when the school plays the county, or at Lord's in the holidays. The boys +can't stand his bowling, and when he hits, it is like trying to catch a +cannon-ball. I have seen him at tennis. It is a splendid sight to behold +the young fellow bounding over the court with streaming yellow hair, +like young Apollo in a flannel jacket. + +The other head boys are Lawrence the Captain, Bunce, famous chiefly for +his magnificent appetite, and Pitman, sur-named Roscius, for his love of +the drama. Add to these Swanky, called Macassar, from his partiality +to that condiment, and who has varnished boots, wears white gloves on +Sundays, and looks out for Miss Pinkerton's school (transferred from +Chiswick to Rodwell Regis, and conducted by the nieces of the late Miss +Barbara Pinkerton, the friend of Our Great Lexicograplier, upon the +principles approved by him and practised by that admirable woman,) as it +passes into church. + +[Illustration: 0025] + +Representations have been made concerning Mr. Horace Swanky's +behaviour; rumours have been uttered about notes in verse, conveyed in +three-cornered puffs, by Mrs. Buggies, who serves Miss Pinkerton's young +ladies on Fridays--and how Miss Didow, to whom the tart and enclosure +were addressed, tried to make away with herself by swallowing a ball of +cotton. But I pass over these absurd reports, as likely to affect the +reputation of an admirable Seminary conducted by irreproachable females. +As they go into church (Miss P. driving in her flock of lambkins with +the crook of her parasol,) how can it be helped if her forces and ours +sometimes collide, as the boys are on their way up to the organ-loft? +And I don't believe a word about the three-cornered puff, but rather +that it was the invention of that jealous Miss Birch, who is jealous of +Miss Raby, jealous of everybody who is good and handsome, and who has +_her own ends_ in view, or I am very much in error. + + + + +THE LITTLE SCHOOL-ROOM. + +|What they call the little school-room is a small room at the other end +of the great school; through which you go to the Doctor's private house, +and where Miss Raby sits with her pupils. She has a half-dozen very +small ones over whom she presides and teaches them in her simple way, +until they are big or learned enough to face the great school-room. Many +of them are in a hurry for promotion, the graceless little simpletons, +and know no more than their elders when they are well off. + +[Illustration: 0029] + +She keeps the accounts, writes out the bills, superintends the linen and +sews on the general shirt-buttons. Think of having such a woman at home +to sew on one's shirt-buttons! But peace, peace, thou foolish heart! + +Miss Raby is the Doctor's niece. Her mother was a beauty (quite unlike +old Zoe therefore); and she married a pupil in the old Doctor's time, +who was killed afterwards, a Captain in the East India service, at +the siege of Bhurtpore. Hence a number of Indian children come to the +Doctor's, for Raby was very much liked, and the uncle's kind reception +of the orphan has been a good speculation for the school-keeper. + +It is wonderful how brightly and gaily that little quick creature +does her duty. She is the first to rise, and the last to sleep, if any +business is to be done. She sees the other two women go off to parties +in the town without even so much as wishing to join them. It is +Cinderella, only contented to stay at home--content to bear Zoe's scorn +and to admit Flora's superior charms,--and to do her utmost to repay her +uncle for his great kindness in housing her. + +So, you see, she works as much as three maid-servants for the wages of +one. She is as thankful when the Doctor gives her a new gown, as if +he had presented her with a fortune: laughs at his stories most +good-humouredly, listens to Zoe's scolding most meekly, admires Flora +with all her heart, and only goes out of the way when Jack Birch shows +his sallow face: for she can't bear him, and always finds work when he +comes near. + +How different she is when some folks approach her! I won't be +presumptuous; but I think, I think, I have made a not unfavourable +impression in some quarters. However, let us be mum on this subject. I +like to see her, because she always looks good-humoured; because she is +always kind, because she is always modest, because she is fond of those +poor little brats--orphans some of them,--because she is rather pretty, +I dare say, or because I think so, which comes to the same thing. + +Though she is kind to all, it must be owned she shows the most gross +favouritism towards the amiable children. She brings them cakes from +dessert, and regales them with Zoe's preserves; spends many of her +little shillings in presents for her favourites, and will tell them +stories by the hour. She has one very sad story about a little boy, who +died long ago; the younger children are never weary of hearing about +him; and Miss Raby has shown to one of them a lock of the little chap's +hair, which she keeps in her work-box to this day. + + + + +THE DEAR BROTHERS. + +_A Melodrama in several Rounds_. + +The Doctor. + +Mr. Tipper, Uncle to the Masters Boxall. + +Boxall Major, Boxall Minor, Brown, Jones, Smith, + +Robinson, Tiffin Minimus. + +B. Go it old Boxall. + +J. Give it him young Boxall. + +R. Pitch into him old Boxall. + +S. Two to one on young Boxall. + + [Enter Tiffin Minimus, _running._ + +_Tiffin Minimus_. Boxalls! you 're wanted. + +(_The Doctor to Mr. Tipper._) Every boy in the school loves them, +my dear sir; your nephews are a credit to my establishment. They are +orderly, well-conducted, gentleman-like boys. Let us enter and find them +at their studies. + + [_Enter_ The Doctor _and_ Mr. Tipper. + +GRAND TABLEAU. + + + + +A HOPELESS CASE. + +|Let us, people who are so uncommonly clever and learned, have a great +tenderness and pity for the poor folks who are not endowed with the +prodigious talents which we have. I have always had a regard for +dunces;--those of my own school-days were amongst the pleasantest of the +fellows, and have turned out by no means the dullest in life; whereas +many a youth who could turn off Latin hexameters by the yard, and +construe Greek quite glibly, is no better than a feeble prig now, with +not a pennyworth more brains than were in his head before his beard +grew. + +Those poor dunces! Talk of being the last man, ah! what a pang it must +be to be the last boy--huge, misshapen, fourteen years of age,--and +"taken up" by a chap who is but six years old, and can't speak quite +plain yet! + +[Illustration: 0037] + +Master Hulker is in that condition at Birch's. He is the most honest, +kind, active, plucky, generous creature. He can do many things better +than most boys. He can go up a tree, jump, play at cricket, dive and +swim perfectly--he can eat twice as much as almost any lady (as Miss +Birch well knows), he has a pretty talent at carving figures with his +hack-knife, he makes and paints little coaches, he can take a watch to +pieces and put it together again. He can do everything but learn his +lesson; and there he sticks at the bottom of the school, hopeless. As +the little boys are drafted in from Miss Raby's class, (it is true she +is one of the best instructresses in the world,) they enter and hop over +poor Hulker. He would be handed over to the governess only he is too +big. Sometimes I used to think, that this desperate stupidity was a +stratagem of the poor rascal's; and that he shammed dulness so that he +might be degraded into Miss Raby's class: if she would teach _me_, I +know, before George, I would put on a pinafore and a little jacket--but +no, it is a natural incapacity for the Latin Grammar. + +If you could see his grammar, it is a perfect curiosity of dog's ears. +The leaves and cover are all curled and ragged. Many of the pages are +worn away, with the rubbing of his elbows as he sits poring over the +hopeless volume, with the blows of his fists as he thumps it madly, or +with the poor fellow's tears. You see him wiping them away with the back +of his hand, as he tries and tries, and can't do it. + +When I think of that Latin Grammar, and that infernal As in Præsenti, +and of other things which I was made to learn in my youth: upon my +conscience I am surprised that we ever survived it. When one thinks +of the boys who have been caned because they could not master that +intolerable jargon! Good Lord, what a pitiful chorus these poor little +creatures send up! Be gentle with them, ye schoolmasters, and only whop +those who _won't_ learn. + +The Doctor has operated upon Hulker (between ourselves), but the boy was +so little affected you would have thought he had taken chloroform. Birch +is weary of whipping now, and leaves the boy to go his own gait. Prince, +when he hears the lesson, and who cannot help making fun of a fool, +adopts the sarcastic manner with Master Hulker, and says, "Mr. Hulker, +may I take the liberty to inquire if your brilliant intellect has +enabled you to perceive the difference between those words which +grammarians have defined as substantive and adjective nouns?--if not, +perhaps Mr. Ferdinand Timmins will instruct you." And Timmins hops over +Hulker's head. + +I wish Prince would leave off girding at the poor lad. He's an only son, +and his mother is a widow woman, who loves him with all her might. There +is a famous sneer about the suckling of fools and the chronicling of +small beer; but remember it was a rascal who uttered it. + + + + +A WORD ABOUT MISS BIRCH. + +"The Gentlemen, and especially the younger and more tender of the +Pupils, will have the advantage of the constant superintendence and +affectionate care of Miss Zoe Birch, sister of the Principal: whose +dearest aim will be to supply (as far as may be) the absent maternal +friend."--_Prospectus of Rodwell Regis School_. + +This is all very fine in the Doctor's circulars, and Miss Zoe Birch--(a +sweet birch blossom it is, fifty-five years old, during two score of +which she has dosed herself with pills; with a nose as red and a face as +sour as a crab-apple)--may do mighty well in a prospectus. But I should +like to know who would take Miss Zoe for a mother, or would have her for +one? + +[Illustration: 0042] + +The only persons in the house who are not afraid of her are Miss Flora +and I--no, I am afraid of her, though I _do_ know the story about the +French usher in 1830--but all the rest tremble before the woman, from +the Doctor down to poor Francis the knife-boy, and whom she bullies into +his miserable blacking-hole. + +The Doctor is a pompous and outwardly severe man--but inwardly weak +and easy: loving a joke and a glass of port wine. I get on with him, +therefore, much better than Mr. Prince, who scorns him for an ass, +and under whose keen eyes the worthy Doctor writhes like a convicted +impostor; and many a sunshiny afternoon would he have said, "Mr. T., +Sir, shall we try another glass of that yellow sealed wine which you +seem to like?" (and which he likes even better than I do), had not the +old harridan of a Zoe been down upon us, and insisted on turning me +out with her miserable weak coffee. She a mother indeed! A sour milk +generation she would have nursed. She is always croaking, scolding, +bullying,--yowling at the housemaids, snarling at Miss Raby, bowwowing +after the little boys, barking after the big ones. She knows how much +every boy eats to an ounce; and her delight is to ply with fat the +little ones who can't bear it, and with raw meat those who hate +underdone. It was she who caused the Doctor to be eaten out three times; +and nearly created a rebellion in the school because she insisted on his +flogging Goliah Longman. + +The only time that woman is happy is when she comes in of a morning to +the little boys' dormitories with a cup of hot Epsom salts, and a sippet +of bread. Boo!--the very notion makes me quiver. She stands over them. +I saw her do it to young Byles only a few days since--and her presence +makes the abomination doubly abominable. + +As for attending them in real illness, do you suppose that she would +watch a single night for any one of them? Not she. When poor little +Charley Davison (that child, a lock of whose soft hair I have said how +Miss Raby still keeps) lay ill of scarlet fever in the holidays--for the +Colonel, the father of these boys, was in India--it was Anne Raby who +tended the child, who watched him all through the fever, who never left +him while it lasted, or until she had closed the little eyes that were +never to brighten or moisten more. Anny watched and deplored him, but it +was Miss Birch who wrote the letter announcing his demise, and got the +gold chain and locket which the Colonel ordered as a memento of his +gratitude. It was through a row with Miss Birch that Frank Davison ran +away. I promise you that after he joined his regiment in India, the +Ahmednuggar Irregulars, which his gallant father commands, there came +over no more annual shawls and presents to Dr. and Miss Birch, and that +if she fancied the Colonel was coming home to marry her (on account of +her tenderness to his motherless children, which he was always writing +about), _that_ notion was very soon given up. But these affairs are +of early date, seven years back, and I only heard of them in a very +confused manner from Miss Raby, who was a girl, and had just come to +Rodwell Regis. She is always very much moved when she speaks about those +boys, which is but seldom. I take it the death of the little one still +grieves her tender heart. + +Yes, it is Miss Birch, who has turned away seventeen ushers and second +masters in eleven years, and half as many French masters; inconsolable, +I suppose, since the departure of her _favourite_, M. Grinche, with her +gold watch, &c.; but this is only surmise--and what I gather from the +taunts of Miss Rosa when she and her aunt have a tiff at tea. + +But besides this, I have another way of keeping her in order. + +Whenever she is particularly odious or insolent to Miss Raby, I have but +to introduce raspberry jam into the conversation, and the woman holds +her tongue. She will understand me. I need not say more. + +_Note, 12th December_.--I _may_ speak now. I have left the place and +don't mind. I say then at once, and without caring twopence for the +consequences, that I saw this woman, this _mother_ of the boys, _eating +jam with a spoon out of Master Wiggins's trunk in the box-room_; and of +this I am ready to take an affidavit any day. + + + + +A TRAGEDY. + +THIS DRAMA OUGHT TO BE REPRESENTED IN ABOUT SIX CUTS. + +_[The School is hushed. Lawrence the Prefect, and Custos of the rods, is +marching after the Doctor into the operating-room. Master Backhouse is +about to follow.]_ + +[Illustration: 0048] + +_Master Backhouse_. It's all very well, but you see if I don't pay you +out after school--you sneak, you. + +_Master Lurcher_. If you do I '1l tell again. + + [Exit Backhouse. + +[_The rod is heard from the adjoining apartment. +Hwish--Hhwish--hwish--hwish--hwish--hwish--hwish._] + + [Re-enter Backhouse. + + + + +BRIGGS IN LUCK. + +_Enter the Knife-boy_.--Hamper for Briggses! + +_Master Brown._--Hurray, Tom Briggs! I'll lend you my knife. + +If this story does not carry its own moral, what fable does, I wonder? +Before the arrival of that hamper, Master Briggs was in no better repute +than any other young gentleman of the lower school; and in fact I had +occasion myself, only lately, to correct Master Brown for kicking his +friend's shins during the writing-lesson. But how this basket directed +by his mother's housekeeper, and marked "Glass with care," (whence I +conclude that it contains some jam and some bottles of wine probably, as +well as the usual cake and game-pie, and half a sovereign for the elder +Master B., and five new shillings for Master Decimus Briggs)--how, +I say, the arrival of this basket, alters all Master Briggs's +circumstances in life, and the estimation in which many persons regard +him! + +[Illustration: 0051] + +If he is a good-hearted boy, as I have reason to think, the very first +thing he will do, before inspecting the contents of the hamper, or +cutting into them with the knife which Master Brown has so considerately +lent him; will be to read over the letter from home which lies on the +top of the parcel. He does so, as I remark to Miss Raby (for whom I +happened to be mending pens when the little circumstance arose), with a +flushed face and winking eyes. Look how the other boys are peering into +the basket as he reads.--I say to her, "Isn't it a pretty picture?" Part +of the letter is in a very large hand. That is from his little sister. +And I would wager that she netted the little purse which he has just +taken out of it, and which Master Lynx is eyeing. + +"You are a droll man, and remark all sorts of queer things," Miss Raby +says, smiling, and plying her swift needle and fingers as quick as +possible. + +"I am glad we are both on the spot, and that the little fellow +lies under our guns as it were, and so is protected from some such +brutal school-pirates as young Duval for instance, who would rob him +probably of some of those good things, good in themselves, and better +because fresh from home. See, there is a pie as I said, and which I dare +say is better than those which are served at our table (but you never +take any notice of these kind of things, Miss Raby), a cake of course, a +bottle of currant wine, jam-pots, and no end of pears in the straw. + +"With this money little Briggs will be able to pay the tick which that +imprudent child has run up with Mrs. Ruggles; and I shall let Briggs +Major pay for the pencil-case which Bullock sold to him.--It will be a +lesson to the young prodigal for the future. + +"But, I say, what a change there will be in his life for some time to +come, and at least until his present wealth is spent! The boys who bully +him will mollify towards him, and accept his pie and sweetmeats. +They will have feasts in the bed-room; and that wine will taste more +deliciously to them than the best out of the Doctor's cellar. The +cronies will be invited. Young Master Wagg will tell his most dreadful +story and sing his best song for a slice of that pie. What a jolly night +they will have! When we go the rounds at night, Mr. Prince and I will +take care to make a noise before we come to Briggs's room, so that the +boys may have time to put the light out, to push the things away, and +to scud into bed. Doctor Spry may be put in requisition the next +morning..." + +"Nonsense! you absurd creature," cries out Miss Raby, laughing; and I +lay down the twelfth pen very nicely mended. + +"Yes; after luxury comes the doctor, I say; after extravagance, a hole +in the breeches pocket. To judge from his disposition, Briggs Major will +not be much better off a couple of days hence than he is now, and, if +I am not mistaken, will end life a poor man. Brown will be kicking his +shins before a week is over, depend upon it. There are boys and men of +all sorts, Miss R.--there are selfish sneaks who hoard until the store +they daren't use grows mouldy--there are spendthrifts who fling away, +parasites who flatter and lick its shoes, and snarling curs who hate +and envy, good fortune."--I put down the last of the pens, brushing away +with it the quill-chips from her desk first, and she looked at me with a +kind wondering face. I brushed them away, clicked the pen-knife into +my pocket, made her a bow, and walked off--for the bell was ringing for +school. + + + + +A YOUNG FELLOW WHO IS PRETTY SURE TO SUCCEED. + +|If Master Briggs is destined in all probability to be a poor man, the +chances are, that Mr. Bullock will have a very different lot. He is +a son of a partner of the eminent banking firm of Bullock and Hulker, +Lombard Street, and very high in the upper school--quite out of my +jurisdiction, consequently. + +He writes the most beautiful current hand ever seen; and the way in +which he mastered arithmetic (going away into recondite and wonderful +rules in the Tutor's Assistant, which some masters even dare not +approach) is described by the Doctor in terms of admiration. He is +Mr. Prince's best algebra pupil; and a very fair classic, too, doing +everything well for which he has a mind. + +He does not busy himself with the sports of his comrades, and holds a +cricket-bat no better than Miss Raby would. He employs the play hours +in improving his mind, and reading the newspaper; he is a profound +politician, and, it must be owned, on the Liberal side. The elder boys +despise him rather; and when Champion Major passes, he turns his head, +and looks down. I don't like the expression of Bullock's narrow, green +eyes, as they follow the elder Champion, who does not seem to know or +care how much the other hates him. + +No--Mr. Bullock, though perhaps the cleverest and most accomplished boy +in the school, associates with the quite little boys when he is minded +for society. To these he is quite affable, courteous, and winning. +He never fagged or thrashed one of them. He has done the verses and +corrected the exercises of many, and many is the little lad to whom he +has lent a little money. + +It is true he charges at the rate of a penny a week for every sixpence +lent out, but many a fellow to whom tarts are a present necessity is +happy to pay this interest for the loan. These transactions are kept +secret. Mr. Bullock, in rather a whining tone, when he takes Master +Green aside and does the requisite business for him, says, "You know +you'll go and talk about it everywhere. I don't want to lend you the +money, I want to buy something with it. It's only to oblige you; and yet +I am sure you will go and make fun of me." Whereon, of course, Green, +eager for the money, vows solemnly that the transaction shall be +confidential, and only speaks when the payment of the interest becomes +oppressive. + +Thus it is that Mr. Bullock's practices are at all known. At a very +early period indeed his commercial genius manifested itself; and by +happy speculations in toffey; by composing a sweet drink made of stick +liquorice and brown sugar, and selling it at a profit to the younger +children; by purchasing a series of novels, which he let out at an +adequate remuneration; by doing boys exercises for a penny, and other +processes, he showed the bent of his mind. At the end of the half year +he always went home richer than when he arrived at school, with his +purse full of money. + +Nobody knows how much he brought: but the accounts are fabulous. Twenty, +thirty, fifty--it is impossible to say how many sovereigns. When joked +about his money, he turns pale and swears he has not a shilling: whereas +he has had a banker's account ever since he was thirteen years old. + +At the present moment he is employed in negotiating the sale of a knife +with Master Green, and is pointing out to the latter the beauty of the +six blades, and that he need not pay until after the holidays. + +[Illustration: 0059] + +Champion Major has sworn that he will break every bone in his skin the +next time that he cheats a little boy, and is bearing down upon him. +Let us come away. It is frightful to see that big peaceful clever coward +moaning under well deserved blows and whining for mercy. + + + + +DUVAL, THE PIRATE. + +(_Jones Minimus passes, laden with tarts._) + +[Illustration: 0062] + +_Duval_. Hullo! you small boy with the tarts! Come here, Sir. + +_Jones Minimus_. Please, Duval, they ain't mine. + +_Duval._ O you abominable young story-teller. + + [He confiscates the goods. + +I think I like young Duval's mode of levying contributions better than +Bullock's. The former's, at least, has the merit of more candour. Duval +is the pirate of Birch's, and lies in wait for small boys laden with +money or provender. He scents plunder from afar off: and pounces out on +it. Woe betide the little fellow when Duval boards him! + +There was a youth here whose money I used to keep, as he was of an +extravagant and weak disposition; and I doled it out to him in weekly +shillings, sufficient for the purchase of the necessary tarts. This boy +came to me one day for half a sovereign, for a very particular purpose, +he said. I afterwards found he wanted to lend the money to Duval. + +The young ogre burst out laughing, when in a great wrath and fury I +ordered him to refund to the little boy: and proposed a bill of exchange +at three months. It is true Duval's father does not pay the Doctor, and +the lad never has a shilling, save that which he levies; and though he +is always bragging about the splendour of Freenystown, Co. Cork, and +the fox-hounds his father keeps, and the claret they drink there--there +comes no remittance from Castle Freeny in these bad times to the honest +Doctor, who is a kindly man enough, and never yet turned an insolvent +boy out of doors. + + + + +THE DORMITORIES. + +_MASTER HEWLETT AND MASTER NIGHTINGALE._ + +(Rather a cold winter night.) + +_Hewlett (flinging a shoe at Master Nightingale's bed, with which he +hits that young gentleman.)_ Hullo! You! Get up and bring me that shoe. + +[Illustration: 0066] + +_Nightingale._ Yes, Hewlett. _(He gets up.)_ + +_Hewlett_. Don't drop it, and be very careful of it, Sir. + +_Nightingale_. Yes, Hewlett. + +_Hewlett_. Silence in the Dormitory! Any boy who opens his mouth I'll +murder him. Now, Sir, are not you the boy what can sing? + +_Nightingale_. Yes, Hewlett. + +_Hewlett_. Chaunt then till I go to sleep, and if I wake when you stop, +you 'll have this at your head. + + [Master Hewlett lays his Bluchers on the bed, ready to shy at Master +Nightingale's head in the case contemplated. + +_Nightingale (timidly.)_ Please, Hewlett? + +_Hewlett_. Well, Sir. + +_Nightingale_. May I put on my trowsers, please? _Hewlett. No_, Sir. Go +on, or I '11-- + +_Nightingale_, + + "Through pleasures and palaces + + Though we may roam, + + Be it ever so humble, + + There's no place like home. + + "Home, home! sweet, sweet home! + + There's no place like ho-ome! + + There's no place like home!" + + (Da Capo.) + + + + +A CAPTURE AND A RESCUE. + +[Illustration: 0070] + +My young friend, Patrick Champion, George's younger brother, is a late +arrival among us; has much of the family quality and good-nature; is not +in the least a tyrant to the small boys, but is as eager as an Amadis to +fight. He is boxing his way up the school, emulating his great brother. +He fixes his eye on a boy above him in strength or size, and you hear +somehow that a difference has arisen between them at football, and they +have their coats off presently. He has thrashed himself over the heads +of many youths in this manner; for instance, if Champion can lick +Dobson, who can thrash Hobson, how much more, then, can he thrash +Hobson. Thus he works up and establishes his position in the school. Nor +does Mr. Prince think it advisable that we ushers should walk much in +the way when these little differences are being settled, unless there is +some gross disparity, or danger is apprehended. + +For instance, I own to having seen the row depicted here as I was +shaving at my bed-room window. I did not hasten down to prevent its +consequences. Fogle had confiscated a top, the property of Snivins, the +which, as the little wretch was always pegging it at my toes, I did +not regret. Snivins whimpered; and young Champion came up, lusting for +battle. Directly he made out Fogle, he steered for him, pulling up his +coat-sleeves, and clearing for action. + +"Who spoke to _you_, young Champion?" Fogle said, and he flung down +the top to Master Snivins. I knew there would be no fight; and perhaps +Champion, too, was disappointed. + + + + +THE GARDEN, + +_WHERE THE PARLOUR-BOARDERS GO._ + +Noblemen have been rather scarce at Birch's--but the heir of a great +Prince has been living with the Doctor for some years.--He is Lord +George Gaunt's eldest son, the noble Plan-tagenet Gaunt Gaunt, and +nephew of the Most Honourable the Marquis of Steyne. + +[Illustration: 0074] + +They are very proud of him at the Doctor's--and the two Misses and Papa, +whenever a stranger comes down whom they want to dazzle, are pretty sure +to bring Lord Steyne into the conversation, mentioning the last party +at Gaunt House, and cursorily remarking that they have with them a young +friend who will be in all human probability Marquis of Steyne and Earl +of Gaunt, &c. + +Plantagenet does not care much about these future honours: provided +he can get some brown sugar on his bread and butter, or sit with three +chairs and play at coach and horses, quite quietly by himself, he is +tolerably happy. He saunters in and out of school when he likes, and +looks at the masters and other boys with a listless grin. He used to be +taken to church, but he laughed and talked in odd places, so they are +forced to leave him at home now. He will sit with a bit of string and +play cats-cradle for many hours. He likes to go and join the very small +children at their games. Some are frightened at him, but they soon cease +to fear, and order him about. I have seen him go and fetch tarts from +Mrs. Ruggles for a boy of eight years old; and cry bitterly if he did +not get a piece. He cannot speak quite plain, but very nearly; and is +not more, I suppose, than three-and-twenty. + +Of course at home they know his age, though they never come and see him. +But they forget that Miss Rosa Birch is no longer a young chit as +she was ten years ago, when Gaunt was brought to the school. On the +contrary, she has had no small experience in the tender passion, and is +at this moment smitten with a disinterested affection for Plantagenet +Gaunt. + +Next to a little doll with a burnt nose, which he hides away in cunning +places, Mr. Gaunt is very fond of Miss Rosa too. What a pretty match +it would make! and how pleased they would be at Gaunt House, if the +grandson and heir of the great Marquis of Steyne, the descendant of a +hundred Gaunts and Tudors, should marry Miss Birch, the schoolmaster's +daughter! It is true she has the sense on her side, and poor Plantagenet +is only an idiot: but there he is, a zany, with such expectations and +such a pedigree! + +If Miss Rosa would run away with Mr. Gaunt, she would leave off bullying +her cousin, Miss Anny Raby. Shall I put her up to the notion, and offer +to lend her the money to run away? Mr. Gaunt is not allowed money. He +had some once, but Bullock took him into a corner, and got it from him. +He has a moderate tick opened at the tart-woman's. He stops at Rodwell +Regis through the year, school-time and holiday time; it is all the same +to him. Nobody asks about him, or thinks about him, save twice a year, +when the Doctor goes to Gaunt House, and gets the amount of his bills, +and a glass of wine in the steward's room. + +And yet you see somehow that he is a gentleman. His manner is different +to that of the owners of that coarse table and parlour at which he is a +boarder, (I do not speak of Miss R. of course, for _her_ manners are +as good as those of a Duchess). When he caught Miss Rosa boxing +little Fiddes's ears, his face grew red, and he broke into a fierce, +inarticulate rage. After that, and for some days, he used to shrink +from her; but they are reconciled now. I saw them this afternoon in +the garden, where only the parlour-boarders walk. He was playful, and +touched her with his stick. She raised her handsome eyes in surprise, +and smiled on him very kindly. + +The thing was so clear, that I thought it my duty to speak to old Zoe +about it. The wicked old catamaran told me she wished that some people +would mind their own business, and hold their tongues--that some people +were paid to teach writing, and not to tell tales and make mischief: +and I have since been thinking whether I ought to communicate with the +Doctor. + + + + +THE OLD PUPIL. + +|As I came into the play-grounds this morning, I saw a dashing young +fellow, with a tanned face and a blonde moustache, who was walking up +and down the green, arm-in-arm with Champion Major, and followed by a +little crowd of boys. + +They were talking of old times evidently. "What had become of Irvine and +Smith?"--"Where was Bill Harris and Jones, not Squinny Jones, but Cocky +Jones?"--and so forth. The gentleman was no stranger; he was an old +pupil evidently, come to see if any of his old comrades remained, and to +revisit the _cari luogi_ of his youth. + +Champion was evidently proud of his arm-fellow. He espied his brother, +young Champion, and introduced him. "Come here, Sir," he called. "The +young 'un wasn't here in your time, Davison." + +"Pat, Sir," said he, "this is Captain Davison, one of Birch's boys. Ask +him who was among the first in the lines at Sobraon?" + +Pat's face kindled up as he looked Davison full in the face, and held +out his hand. Old Champion and Davison both blushed. The infantry set up +a "Hurray! hurray! hurray!" Champion leading, and waving his wide-awake. +I protest that the scene did one good to witness. Here was the hero and +cock of the school come back to see his old haunts and cronies. He had +always remembered them. Since he had seen them last, he had faced death +and achieved honour. But for my dignity I would have shied up my hat +too. + +With a resolute step, and his arm still linked in Champion's, Captain +Davison now advanced, followed by a wake of little boys, to that corner +of the green where Mrs. Buggies has her tart-stand. + +"Hullo, Mother Buggies! don't you remember me?" he said, and shook her +by the hand. + +"Lor, if it ain't Davison Major!" she said. "Well, Davison Major, you +owe me fourpence for two sausage-rolls from when you went away." + +Davison laughed, and all the little crew of boys set up a similar +chorus. + +"I buy the whole shop," he said. "Now, young 'uns--eat away!" + +Then there was such a "Hurray! hurray!" as surpassed the former cheer in +loudness. Everybody engaged in it except Piggy Duff, who made an instant +dash at the three-cornered puffs, but was stopped by Champion, who +said there should be a fair distribution. And so there was, and no one +lacked, neither of raspberry open-tarts, nor of mellifluous bull's-eyes, +nor of polonies, beautiful to the sight and taste. + +The hurraying brought out the Doctor himself, who put his hand up to his +spectacles and started when he saw the old pupil. Each blushed when +he recognised the other; for seven years ago they had parted not good +friends. + +"What--Davison?" the Doctor said, with a tremulous voice. "God bless +you, my dear fellow!"--and they shook hands. "A half-holiday, of course, +boys," he added, and there was another hurray: there was to be no end to +the cheering that day. + +"How's--how's the family, Sir?" Captain Davison asked. + +"Come in and see. Flora's grown quite a lady. Dine with us, of course. +Champion Major, come to dinner at five. Mr. Titmarsh, the pleasure of +your company?" The Doctor swung open the garden-gate: the old master and +pupil entered the house reconciled. + +I thought I would just peep into Miss Raby's room, and tell her of this +event. She was working away at her linen there, as usual, quiet and +cheerful. + +"You should put up," I said with a smile; "the Doctor has given us a +half-holiday." + +"I never have holidays," Miss Raby replied. + +Then I told her of the scene I had just witnessed, of the arrival of the +old pupil, the purchase of the tarts, the proclamation of the holiday, +and the shouts of the boys of "Hurray, Davison." + +"_Who_ is it?" cried out Miss Raby, starting and turning as white as a +sheet. + +I told her it was Captain Davison from India, and described the +appearance and behaviour of the Captain. When I had finished speaking, +she asked me to go and get her a glass of water; she felt unwell. But +she was gone when I came back with the water. + +I know all now. After sitting for a quarter of an hour with the Doctor, +who attributed his guest's uneasiness no doubt to his desire to see Miss +Laura Birch, Davison started up and said he wanted to see Miss Raby. +"You remember, Sir, how kind she was to my little brother," he said. +Whereupon the Doctor, with a look of surprise that anybody should want +to see Miss Raby, said she was in the little school-room, whither the +Captain went, knowing the way from old times. + +A few minutes afterwards, Miss B. and Miss Z. returned from a drive +with Plantagenet Gaunt in their one-horse fly, and being informed of +Davison's arrival, and that he was closeted with Miss Raby in the little +school-room, of course made for that apartment at once. I was coming +into it from the other door. I wanted to know whether she had drunk the +water. + +[Illustration: 0084] + +This is what both parties saw. The two were in this very attitude. +"Well, upon my word!" cries out Miss Zoe, But Davison did not let go his +hold; and Miss Raby's head only sank down on his hand. + +"You must get another governess, Sir, for the little boys," Frank +Davison said to the Doctor. "Anny Raby has promised to come with me." + +You may suppose I shut to the door on my side. And when I returned to +the little school-room, it was blank and empty. Everybody was gone. I +could hear the boys shouting at play in the green, outside. The glass +of water was on the table where I had placed it. I took it and drank +it myself, to the health of Anny Raby and her husband. It was rather a +choker. + +But of course I wasn't going to stop on at Birch's. When his young +friends re-assemble on the 1st of February next, they will have two new +masters. Prince resigned too, and is at present living with me at my +old lodgings at Mrs. Cammysole's. If any nobleman or gentleman wants a +private tutor for his son, a note to the Rev. F. Prince will find him +there. + +Miss Clapperclaw says we are both a couple of old fools; and that she +knew, when I set off last year to Rodwell Regis, after meeting the two +young ladies at a party at General Champion's house in our street, that +I was going on a goose's errand. Well, well, that journey is over now; I +shall dine at the General's on Christmas-day, where I shall meet Captain +and Mrs. Davison, and some of the old pupils of Birch's; and I wish a +merry Christmas to them, and to all young and old boys. + +|The play is done; the curtain drops, + +Slow falling, to the prompter's bell: + +A moment yet the actor stops, + + And looks around, to say farewell. + + It is an irksome word and task; + + And when he 's laughed and said his say, + + He shows, as he removes the mask, + + A face that's anything but gay. + + One word, ere yet the evening ends, + + Let's close it with a parting rhyme, + + And pledge a hand to all young friends, + + As fits the merry Christmas-time. + + On life's wide scene you, too, have parts, + + That Fate ere long shall bid you play; + + Good night! with honest gentle hearts + + A kindly greeting go alway! + + Good night!--I'd say, the griefs, the joys, + + Just hinted in this mimic page, + + The triumphs and defeats of boys, + + Are but repeated in our age. + + I 'd say, your woes were not less keen, + + Your hopes more vain, than those of men; + + Your pangs or pleasures of fifteen, + + At forty-five played o'er again. + + I'd say, we suffer and we strive + + Not less nor more as men than boys; + + With grizzled beards at forty-five, + + As erst at twelve, in corduroys. + + And if, in time of sacred youth, + + We learned at home to love and pray, + + Pray Heaven, that early Love and Truth + + May never wholly pass away. + + And in the world, as in the school, + + I 'd say, how fate may change and shift; + + The prize be sometimes with the fool, + + The race not always to the swift. + + The strong may yield, the good may fall, + + The great man he a vulgar clown, + + The knave be lifted over all, + + The kind cast pitilessly down. + + Who knows the inscrutable design? + + Blessed be He who took and gave! + + Why should your mother, Charles, not mine, + + Be weeping at her darling's grave? * + + We bow to Heaven that will'd it so, + + That darkly rules the fate of all, + + That sends the respite or the blow, + + That's free to give or to recall. + + This crowns his feast with wine and wit: + + Who brought him to that mirth aud state? + + His betters, see, below him sit, + + Or hunger hopeless at the gate. + + Who bade the mud from Dives' wheel + + To spurn the rags of Lazarus? + + Come, brother, in that dust we '11 kneel, + + Confessing Heaven that ruled it thus. + + * C. B., ob. 29 Nov. 1848, set. 42. + + So each shall mourn, in life's advance, + + Dear hopes, dear friends, untimely killed; + + Shall grieve for many a forfeit chance, + + And longing passion unfulfilled. + + Amen! whatever fate be sent,-- + + Pray God the heart may kindly glow, + + Although the heart with cares be bent, + + And whitened with the winter-snow. + + Come wealth or want, come good or ill, + + Let young and old accept their part, + + And bow before the Awful Will, + + And bear it with an honest heart. + + Who misses, or who wins the prize? + + Go, lose or conquer as you can: + + But if you fail, or if you rise, + + Be each, pray God, a gentleman, + + A gentleman, or old or young! + + (Bear kindly with my humble lays); + + The sacred chorus first was sung + + Upon the first of Christmas-days: + + The shepherds heard it overhead-- + + The joyful angels raised it then: + + Glory to Heaven 011 high, it said, + + And peace 011 earth to gentle men. + + My song, save this, is little worth; + + I lay the weary pen aside, + + And wish you health, and love, and mirth, + + As fits the solemn Christmas-tide. + + As fits the holy Christmas birth, + + Be this, good friends, our carol still-- + + Be peace on earth, be peace on earth, + + To men of gentle will. + +THE END. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Doctor Birch and His Young Friends, by +M. A. Titmarsh + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 45554 *** |