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-*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 45386 ***

-

-

-

-

-LINCOLNIANA

-

-OR THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE

-

-By ANDREW ADDERUP

-

-1864

-

-[Illustration: 0001]

-

-[Illustration: 0003]

-

-[Illustration: 0005]

-

-

-Preface

-

-Is Joe Miller "complete?" I doubt it, maugre the pretenses of

-title-pages. An old joke is sometimes like a piece of painted glass in

-a kaleidoscope--every turn gives it a new aspect, and the new view is

-sometimes taken for the original phase. Perhaps this is true of some

-herein, although I am unconscious of that being so. If the accusation be

-made, try Uncle Abe first, for he is used to trials. As for me, I shall

-plead my privilege of telling you "the tale as it was told to me." But

-if these "little jokes" be not "sworn upon" for Miller, they shall stand

-for Uncle Abe--the writer hereof claiming only a godfathership. And

-others shall follow as fast as I glean them. To aid this purpose, let

-everybody who has a "good thing" send it to the publisher of this, and

-duly it will appear in the "complete" edition of Uncle Abe's jokes,

-always excepting the last, for the act of dying over will remind him of

-some little story with a _hic jacet_ moral.

-

-ANDREW ADDERUP.

-

-Springfield, Ill., April 1, 1864.

-

-

-

-

-LINCOLNIANA; OR, THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE,

-

-

-

-An Involuntary Black Republican.

-

-Sometime after Mr. Lincoln's well remembered passage of the rebel

-Rubicon at Baltimore, some radical Republicans, who thought they saw

-some signs of the President's backwardness in vindicating the Chicago

-platform, went in committee to the White House to beg him to carry out

-his principles--or rather to stretch them in Queen Dido's style.

-

-"I don't know about it, gentlemen," replied Uncle Abe; "with a pretty

-strong opposition at home and a rebellion at the South, we'd best push

-republicanism rather slow. Fact is, I'm worse off than old blind Jack

-Loudermill was when he got married on a short courtship. Some one asked

-him a few days after, how he liked his new position. 'Dunno,' said he;

-'I went it blind to start with, and ain't had a chance to feel my way to

-a conclusion yet.' So it is with me. Perhaps you can see further than I

-can, to me the future is dark and lowering; and we have now got to feel

-every step of our way forward. Making Republicans used to be hard work,

-and I don't see as I could do much at it now, unless I proselyte by

-giving fat offices to weak-kneed opponents; but that," continued

-Uncle Abe, with a sly look toward several of his old Illinois friends,

-"would'nt be quite fair to those who believe that 'to the victors belong

-the spoils.' Your idea about pushing things reminds me of the first

-_black_ Republican I ever made."

-

-And the President threw his left leg over his right and subsided into

-that air of _abandon_ which denotes his pregnancy of a good story.

-

-"You see, gentlemen," he began, "in my boyhood days, I had a slim chance

-for schooling, and did'nt improve what I did have. Occasionally a Yankee

-would wander into Kentuck, and open a school in the log building that

-was a church and school house as well, and keep it till he got starved

-out or heard of a better location. One Fall a bald headed, sour-visaged

-old man came along and opened the school, and my people concluded I must

-go; as usual the big boys soon began to test the master, who, though he

-was a patient Jeffersonian Republican, seemed very tyrannical to us. My

-good nature singled me out soon, as the scapegoat of the school, and I

-got more than my share of the birch: at least, my back was as good as an

-almanac, for every day of the week was recorded there. But, though this

-record of past time was no pastime to me, I could stand it better than I

-could the taunts and jibes of the boys out of school.

-

-"One morning when a half dozen of us were warming before the broad

-logwood fire, I noted a big fellow (who had got me flogged the day

-before) standing on the side opposite, his back to the blaze: both hands

-were partially open, one laid in the other; some would lay it to the

-devil, but it was only the spirit of revenge which prompted me to pick

-up a live coal, covered with ashes, and drop it into his hands. For a

-moment he did'nt mind it, but it burned all the deeper; when it did burn

-he jumped and bellowed like a stuck calf.

-

-"'Who made that noise?' Demanded old Whitey? the master.

-

-"'I made it,' replied the big fellow, rubbing his hands.

-

-"'Why?' more angrily demanded old Whitey.

-

-"'Some one put a coal of fire in my hand and burnt me,' sniffled the

-booby.

-

-"The big fellow, however, didn't know who did it. Some of the boys, who

-had a lurking pity for me, said it snapt into his hand; but the master

-'couldn't see it;' and at last it leaked out that 'Abe Lincoln done it.'

-

-"So you see, gentlemen," said Uncle Abe, moralizing, "I got the blame of

-a long score of supposititious shortcomings by one act of my own, pretty

-much as I had to bear the sins of my whole party in the late canvass,

-because of a few sins of my own."

-

-"'Abraham, come up here!' thundered the master, (By the way, gentlemen,

-my people always called me Abe--my wife still calls me plain Abe--but

-that old fellow called me _Abraham_ so often and so severely that I

-early dropped all claim to a definite appellative, and chose to be

-indefinitely 'A. Lincoln.') * But to go on. I got a deserved threshing

-that time, and a reputation withal for wickedness that saved all the

-little rogues in school. At last, however, I determined to be even with

-old Whitey, somehow.

-

-"It wasn't long till I worked out an idea. Just over the master's desk

-was a rude shelf, upon which he kept some books and a big-bellied bottle

-of ink, which some admirer of his Jeffersonian-Republican principles had

-presented him. I had observed that in stepping upon his desk platform,

-he never touched or moved his chair, beyond leaning back in it, which

-he always did, after taking his seat. So next day I robbed our old

-long-tailed white horse of a few hairs and braided them in a three

-stranded cord. While the master was gone out to his dinner, I put the

-thin glass ink bottle upon the edge of the shelf propped a-cant, and

-tied one end of the cord to the bottle, and the other end to the back

-of his chair. The boys sympathized with me, and were in an extacy of

-delight. Anon the master came. Without looking to the right or left, he

-marched sternly to the chair, and hence saw not the repressed titter of

-expectation that was ready to burst over the whole room. I stood just

-outside of the door expecting the result; he sat down and then leaned

-back. Down came the bottle, deluging the bald head in a shower

-of Stygian blackness! Yes, gentlemen, I fancy that was the first

-_black_ Republican ever made in Kentuck, but the conversion was too

-sudden."

-

-"How was that?" queried Cassius M. Clay.

-

-"Why," replied Uncle Abe, "he afterwards married a widow and----twelve

-negroes."

-

-     * When Mr. Lincoln was nominated, very many papers ran up

-     the name of "Abram Lincoln."

-

-

-

-

-The Wrong Pig by the Ear.

-

-I never knew a flash phrase worse used up than was one by Uncle Abe

-attending one of the neighboring Circuit Courts above Springfield. He

-was employed to aid a young County Attorney to prosecute some reputed

-hog thieves. The crime of hog stealing had become so common that the

-people were considerably excited and an example was determined on. The

-first person tried was acquitted on a pretty clear _alibi_ or pretty

-hard swearing. As the fellow thus acquitted was lounging round the Court

-House, Uncle Abe was passing, and he hailed him.

-

-"Well Mr. Lincoln, I reckon you got the wrong sow by the ear when you

-undertook to pen me up."

-

-"So it seems," replied Uncle Abe, blandly, "but really you must excuse

-me, pigs are so very much alike! In fact, people up here don't all seem

-to know their own."

-

-

-

-

-"Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln Live."

-

-In "Clay times," as the old farmers of Sangamon still recall the period

-of Henry Clay's powerful canvass for the Presidency, Uncle Abe had a

-wide circuit practice. In travelling to the various courts, he generally

-drove a horse and vehicle that some people will still remember. The

-horse had belonged to an undertaker, and the "funeral business,"

-together with years, had made him a grave and staid animal. His

-_physique_ presented those angularities that characterized his master,

-but unlike his owner, he was never known to perpetrate a joke or indulge

-in a "horselaugh." The vehicle was neither buggy, nor Jersey wagon,

-but had become, by virtue of alterations and repairs, what Uncle Abe

-afterwards described the Union under the plan of free and Slave States

-"neither one thing or the other." There was in fact an "eternal

-fitness" in horse and man that was not exactly a "standing joke," but a

-peripatetic one.

-

-I would give all my expectation of a brigadiership for a portrait of

-Uncle Abe seated in this strange "turnout," as he "might have been seen"

-wending his meditative way across the prairies.

-

-About this time Uncle Abe was nominated for Congress in the Sangamon.

-Yet he did not forego his business, but prosecuted his legal course, as

-well as all evil-doers who chanced to fall into his hands. He had

-just started on a circuit trip, to be gone a month. Often, since Mr.

-Lincoln's nomination for Congress, had Mrs. Lincoln begged him to add

-a second story to their humble dwelling, but he pleaded poverty. But a

-relation of Mrs. Lincoln's having died in Kentucky leaving her a

-small legacy, she determined her husband should have a house worthy a

-candidate for Congress. Doubtless she felt an inward satisfaction at the

-thought of furnishing a good surprise for her husband on his return. So

-she at once bought material, set mechanics at work, and in three weeks

-metamorphosed the dwelling into what political pilgrims to Springfield

-in 1860 will remember as a neat, two-story, clay-colored residence.

-

-Uncle Abe arrived home just after dark, and drove up to what he thought

-to be Eighth street, but not seeing his house, and thinking he had made

-a mistake, he drove round on to the next street. Recognizing the houses

-there; he again drove around to Eighth, and, passing his own house,

-recognized that occupied by W------n, a clever tailor, who was standing

-at his own gate.

-

-"Why, is that you, Wilkie?" (said Uncle Abe patronizingly.) W------n,

-assured him of his own identity, "Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln

-live now."

-

-"Well," said W------n, "The Loco's say he's so sure of his election that

-he's gone to Washington to select his seat; but Mrs. Lincoln lives now

-in that beautiful new two-story house you have just passed." Uncle Abe

-indulged in a quaint laugh, and then turned his ancient horse around,

-alighted and asked if Mrs. Lincoln lived in the house before which he

-stood. Mrs. Lincoln received him as a fond woman should receive her

-lord, and the return was the cause of much pleasant badinage in social

-circles.

-

-

-

-

-Too Literal Obedience.

-

-Gen. McClellan was complaining to Uncle Abe of one of his division

-commanders, who had literally obeyed an order publicly given for the

-purpose of hood-winking the rebels through the aid of the numerous

-undetected spies known to lurk in the camp as well as the capital.

-

-"That reminds me of a little story--a little thing that happened to me

-when I was out in the Black Hawk war," said Uncle Abe.

-

-"You see, after we brought the Foxes to terms, they were as sweet as

-wild honey. The women especially tried to make a good thing out of the

-defeat of their braves, by selling us moccasins, deerskin breeches, &c.

-One squaw in particular, made beautiful breeches, and I concluded to

-have a pair made. How she was to fit my spindles, puzzled me at first,

-as the Indians are no tailors in any _measurable_ degree. At last I

-bethought me of an old pair which I had in my saddle bag, and these I

-gave to her that she might rip them open and use the parts for patterns.

-When she brought the new ones home, I was not a little angry to find

-that she had exactly imitated the old patch on the nether parts of the

-new breeches."

-

-Little Mac smiled in his peculiar grave way, and remarked that when he

-gave an order for a similar purpose, he would tell this story by way of

-a hint.

-

-

-

-

-How Uncle Abe Felt.

-

-Soon after Uncle Abe's defeat by Judge Douglas in 1848, (whereby Douglas

-unwittingly made a President) some one asked Uncle Abe how he felt over

-the result.

-

-"Well," said he, "I feel a good deal like a big boy I knew in Kentuck.

-After he'd got a terrible pounding by the school master, someone asked

-him how he felt? 'Oh! said he, it hurt so awful bad, I couldn't laugh,

-and I was too big to cry over it.' That's just my case."

-

-It is presumed the questioner got an idea how a defeated politician

-feels.

-

-

-

-

-P.P.P.

-

-Soon after the advent of Uncle Abe at the White House, the pressure of

-aspirants for official positions was perfectly crushing.

-

-In fact, Uncle Abe sometimes got so flustered by their bedevilment, that

-he not only failed to recollect an illustrating anecdote, but soon lost

-his temper.

-

-One of the Illinois applicants--a fellow named Jeff.

-

-D------r, was particularly a bore, seeming to think it part of the

-Chicago platform to give every village politician an office.

-

-"Seems to me, Jeff," said Uncle Abe, "you got the Chicago platform

-reduced to enormous brevity--in fact, just three p's would seem to

-express your idea of it."

-

-"How's that, Mr. Lincoln?" inquired-Jeff.

-

-"Why, it looks to me as if it was patriotism, place and plunder, and a

-mighty important plea is the last one, I reckon."

-

-Jeff was silent for a while, but bored on until he "struck ile" in the

-shape-of a clerkship.

-

-

-

-

-Rattaned for a Rat Joke.

-

-Just after the retreat of the rebels from Bull Run, when it leaked

-out that our troops had been held at bay by wooden or Quaker guns, a

-Pennsylvanian Congressman remarked to Uncle Abe--"Well, Mr. Lincoln, you

-see that Quaker principles even embodied in wood may be of some service

-in war."

-

-"Yes, but as you see in that shape, they are only substituted

-principles; such things may do once, but found out, they will avail

-worse than nothing. Your remark, however, 'reminds me of a little

-story.'

-

-"When I was a youngster of fifteen or so, I went to an 'Academy' for a

-few weeks, just to brush up my old-field school learning. Such schools

-are called Academies in the East, to distinguish their intermediate

-position between colleges and common schools; but in Kentuck and

-the West, generally the high sounding title merely meant that the

-'principal' taught a few branches ahead of the old-field schools. Well,

-the rats were thick about the old building where we daily gathered

-to reap the fruit of knowledge; and as many of the boys brought their

-dinners and threw the fragments under their old-fashioned box desks,

-they soon grew as bold as they were thick. The teacher had a mortal

-antipathy to rats, and as I didn't 'take' to the teacher, I naturally

-encouraged the rats. Whenever one showed himself, he was sure to get a

-whack from the old teacher's rattan. Sometimes he missed his aim at the

-rats, but never at us boys, which was owing, perhaps, to the difference

-in the size of the game.

-

-"An industrious rat had made a hole from beneath the floor up under my

-desk, and thence out through the end, and as I fed him well he was quite

-tame. Often during school hours he would come up and peer out into the

-aisles through his hole in the end of the desk, and whenever he was seen

-by the teacher, he was sure to see the rattan whirling in the air. An

-idea struck me one day. I got a dead rat--I did not like to kill my

-pet--and stuffing it, made quite a good-looking 'Quaker' rat. Then I

-fixed some springs so I could work my rat out and in at pleasure; so

-whenever the teacher was looking up, my rat was always out; but when

-the whack came down, he was in betimes. At last he seemed to think it

-wondrous tame, and the ill-suppressed titter of the school boys finally

-made him suspicious. The boys had been let into my secret, and relished

-it hugely, and I was too prone to give a few exhibitions. At last the

-teacher watched me sharper than he did the rat, and then caught me in

-the act. He got hold of the rat and beat me alternately with rat and

-switch, and you may well guess, I was well rattaned. If soldiers who use

-wooden guns ever get worse usage, I pity them."

-

-The 300 Pounder Parrot since used by the Government, shows Uncle Abe's

-poor appreciation of Quaker guns and Quaker principles.

-

-

-

-

-The State House Struck by Whiggery.

-

-Soon after the State House at Springfield was erected, in 1840, Mr.

-Lincoln stood on the east side of the Capitol Square one day, in

-conversation with a Democratic friend, who was loth to believe that the

-Whigs could carry the State for "Tip and Ty."

-

-"Nothing is more morally certain," said Uncle Abe. "All the signs of

-the times point to it, and--why even the State House is struck with

-Whiggery" he said, pointing up under the eves, where is yet seen a

-remarkable representation of a "coon" in the stone.

-

-

-

-

-Graphic and True.

-

-When Hon. Emerson Etheridge escaped from Tennessee during the summer

-of 1862, his opinions on Tennessee affairs were eagerly listened to in

-Washington. Among other questions, Uncle Abe asked:

-

-"Do the Methodist clergy in your State take to secession?"

-

-"Take? Why, sir, they take to it like a duck to water, or a sailor to a

-duff kid."

-

-

-

-

-A Judge of the Post Office.

-

-Judge David Davis of Bloomington, Illinois, who was recently appointed

-(by Uncle Abe) to a position on the bench of the Supreme Court of

-the United States, is known to many of his friends as one of the best

-hearted men in the world. His, is withal, full of the piety of good

-humor. I call it "piety," because I think a smiling face is a perpetual

-thanksgiving to God. His benevolence, however, edges down his wit, and

-gives it more the characteristic of humor, strictly speaking. This,

-while it may have helped that "belly with fat capon lined," has kept him

-at peace with himself and the world.

-

-On one occasion, while Judge Davis was presiding at the Logan County

-Circuit Court, a case came up that involved a question of postal law.

-Uncle Abe was on the case, and politely loaned Judge D. a small manual

-of postal law, that he might see for himself what the letter of the

-law was. The Judge gave his understanding of the law, but had hardly

-finished when Mr. S------s, a burley farmer from Clear Creek, jumped up

-and sang out--

-

-"I reckon that ain't so, Judge. I've been Post-Master more'n a dozen

-years, and I reckon I ought to know what's Post Office law."

-

-Of course Judge Davis had every right to fine the man for contempt, but

-he had a different way of treating such cases. "With a tone in which

-sarcasm only slightly blended, he said:

-

-"Truly, I think you ought, Mr. S------s. It has never been my privilege

-to be a Post-Master, and I would like your opinion in this case. Please

-step this way."

-

-The Judge moved over and made room on the bench, which Mr. S------s

-occupied, and proceeded to give _his_ opinion on the mooted question.

-The bar sat smiling in expectation.

-

-"Keep your seat, Mr. S------s, while I speak a word with my friend

-Parks."

-

-Uncle Abe it was who had been interrupted, so he resumed:

-

-"May it please the Court, I had some doubt on this point myself, so

-I borrowed the usual manual of Postal Law, to be perfectly assured.

-I regret to contend that the clear letter of the law conflicts--sadly

-conflicts--with the view just taken by Judge S------s;" but here the bar

-indulged in a quiet "smile" without a stick in it, and it just popped

-into Mr. S------'s head, that he was out of place, and he skedaddled in

-haste.

-

-"The largest _pussie_ Judge that sat on our bench," remarked Will Wyatt.

-From that day to this, Mr. S------s, has never lost the title he so

-suddenly gained.

-

-

-

-

-I'm an Inderlid.

-

-One day while Uncle Abe was attending to a case at Mount Pulaski, (the

-country seat of Logan County, Illinois,) he was beset by old B------s,

-a worthy farmer, but a notorious malaprop, for an opinion as to his

-amenability to the road tax. "You look here, Mr. Lincoln, these fellows

-here want to make me work on the road."

-

-"Well!" said Uncle Abe.

-

-"Well, I tells them that they can't do it, cause I'm an _inderlid_, you

-see."

-

-(Of course Uncle Abe concurred in B------s opinion, and forgot to charge

-a fee.)

-

-"On another occasion, he wanted John G. Gillette, the great cattle

-dealer, to _proximate_ him because he'd got the best pair of cattle

-scales in Logan County."

-

-

-

-

-How Uncle Abe got his Sobriquet.

-

-Some one ventured to ask Uncle Abe, soon after his arrival at the White

-House, how he got the sobriquet of "Honest Abe."

-

-"Oh," said he, "I suppose my case was pretty much like that of a country

-merchant I once read of. Some one called him a 'little rascal.' 'Thank

-you for the compliment,' said he. 'Why so?' asked the stigmatizer.

-'Because that title distinguishes me from my fellow tradesmen, who are

-all _great_ rascals.'"

-

-"So honest lawyers were so scarce in Illinois that you were thus

-distinguished from them?" persisted the questioner.

-

-"Well," quoth Uncle Abe, glancing slyly at Douglas, Sweet, and others

-from Illinois, "it's hard to say where the honest ones are."

-

-

-

-

-"I'll take Number Eleven too."

-

-Thirty-five or forty years ago, a trip from Sangamon or Macon County, to

-St. Louis, was an event to be talked of. It took as long to make it, and

-furnished food for as much rustic enquiry and comment, as does a voyage

-to Europe now. Uncle Abe had then given up rail-splitting, and was

-studying law. Having a little while before treated himself to a (then)

-rare thing, a suit of "store clothes;" and a neighbor being about to

-leave for St. Louis, he resolved to go along. As the teams toiled on at

-the rate of fifteen or twenty miles a day, they were gradually joined by

-others, till the train presented somewhat the sights now to be seen on

-our great overland routes to the Pacific.

-

-On arrival at St. Louis, Abe determined to see high life, and

-accordingly made tracks for a letter A. No. 1, first class Hotel.

-The Old City Hotel was then the only house that could claim that

-distinction. There the merchants congregated, and there the Indian

-trader sought relaxation from frontier hardships, while the rough

-trapper was content with the humble fare of the "Hunter's Home."

-

-I forget what association called out this reminiscence of that trip; but

-there can be no harm in repeating the story. Such mishaps have befallen

-incipient greatness before.

-

-At the dinner table, each waiter was provided with a wine card, and each

-guest had his wine charged to the number of his room, simply calling

-out, as for instance, Sherry No. 9, &c. A jolly Indian trader, sat just

-opposite Abe, who betimes called "Claret, No 11." Abe saw that most of

-the guests were similarly providing for themselves, and concluded not to

-appear penurious, so he said he'd take some wine too.

-

-"What kind, sah?" asked the waiter.

-

-"Oh, I'll take the same,"--pointing to the bottle just called for by the

-Indian trader.

-

-"What number, sah?"

-

-Abe was puzzled. Ho had not been used to wine or hotel life; but it was

-only a moment before he broke the ice.

-

-"Oh, I'll just take No. 11 too."

-

-The trader looked up surprised, while several others near by, smiled a

-faint comprehension as to the state of affairs.

-

-"Why, young man," said the trader, "that is my number, and mine is a

-single room."

-

-"I beg pardon," stammered Abe, conscious that he had betrayed rusticity

-and ignorance; but not knowing exactly how to extricate himself, the

-good-hearted trader came to his aid--

-

-"Were you ever in the city before?" asked he.

-

-"Never before."

-

-"Well, then, in memory of your advent, it shall be No. 11 too," and he

-quietly pushed the bottle across the table. So agreeable was he that

-Abe rallied, and the second bottle followed the fate of the first. On

-renewing the conversation after dinner, the trader was satisfied that

-Abe had 'lots' of 'horse sense,' but little of worldly experience,

-and he friendlily invited him to go out with him as a clerk; but, Abe

-declined. Had he gone--what? Perhaps he might have become a respectable

-Indian trader--perhaps he never had been elected President, and perhaps

-we would have had no rebellion.

-

-

-

-

-A Severe Retort.

-

-Uncle Abe took a great liking to the late Col. Ellsworth, and afterwards

-did him the honor of making a Colonel of him. The rebel Jackson did

-the rest, but enough of that. Many of our readers will recall the

-slim, spruce figure of Col. Ellsworth as he paraded the streets

-of Springfield, dressed in a unique Zouave uniform, a mere boy in

-appearance. He was full of animal spirits. He and Bob O'Lincoln were

-cutting up didoes in the Law office of Lincoln and Hornden, which

-greatly annoyed Uncle Abe, and he gently reproved them. Bob, a little

-nettled, replied by quoting the common couplet:

-

-``"A little nonsense now and then,

-

-``Is relished by the wisest men."

-

-"Yes," said Uncle Abe, looking severely at Bob, "that's the difference

-between a wise man and a fool who relishes it all the time."

-

-Bob subsided, and Ellsworth betook himself anew to Blackstone.

-

-

-

-

-Had all the Time there Was.

-

-When Uncle Abe used to attend the Courts in the regions round about

-Sangamon, he generally made easy stays, and was wont to look at the

-country and talk to the people at his leisure. On one occasion he

-was riding by the premises of old H------, who was notorious for his

-unthriftiness, and who was in the act of driving some stray hogs out of

-his corn-field.

-

-"Good morning, Mr. H------," said Uncle Abe.

-

-"Morning, Mr. Lincoln, morning."

-

-"Why don't you mend that piece of fence thoroughly, Mr. H------, and

-keep the pigs out?" asked Uncle Abe.

-

-"Ha'n't got time," said H------.

-

-"Why," said Uncle Abe, with an air of blended reproof and humor, "you've

-got all the time there is Mr. H------."

-

-Whether H------ mended his fence and his thriftless habits, this

-deponent knoweth not; but has often thought how true was the remark,

-whether as a joke or an admonition. Every second, minute or hour is

-ours--ours to use or ours to squander. How wontonly wasteful would be

-the rich man who should stand upon a vessel's deck and cast his million

-golden coins into the sea; yet day after day we stand upon the shores of

-eternity, and cast the golden moments into the unreturning past. All the

-knowledge and wealth of the world is but the result of improved time. So

-don't say you "havn't got time," for you've got all there is, as Uncle

-Abe says.

-

-

-

-

-Could Stand it a Day or Two,

-

-About the time this occurred, there stood on one side of Capitol Square,

-in Springfield, a Hotel, now doubtless out of memory of most of the

-occupants of the out-lots and additions which speculators have hitched

-to the original village. In its day it was a "first-class hotel," but

-it waned before the "American" and is now among the "things that were."

-There were some who doubted the cleanliness of the _cuisine_, and

-"thereby hangs a tale."

-

-Judge Brown arrived in town and put up at the aforesaid hotel, whereat,

-Uncle Abe, on meeting him, expressed his regret, begging him to become

-_his_ guest. The Judge would fain not trouble his friend.

-

-"But you know the reputation of the place--the kitchen?" said Uncle Abe.

-

-"I've heard of it," said the Judge; "but as I want to keep my appetite,

-I always shun the kitchen, if not the cooks."

-

-"But surely, can't you see by the table alone, Judge?"

-

-"I know, Mr. Lincoln, but I'm going to stop only a day or two, and I

-guess I can stand for that time what the landlord's family stand all

-their lives."

-

-Speaking of Hotels, reminds me of a little episode of one of Uncle

-Abe's professional visits to Cairo, in Egypt, a town fenced in with

-mud-banks and celebrated for its mud-holes and mean whisky. Thereabouts

-is a Hotel, and thereat Uncle Abe stopped because the water forbade

-further traveling. When his bill was presented to him next morning,

-he ventured to remark, "that his accommodation had not been of the most

-agreeable kind."

-

-"We are very much crowded," apologetically replied the landlord.

-

-"But I had hard work to get breakfast this morning."

-

-"Yes," continued the apologist, "we are greatly in need of help."

-

-"Well, well," said Uncle Abe, "you keep a first rate hotel in one

-respect."

-

-"Ah!" said the landlord, brightening up, "in what respect is that?"

-

-"Your bills," said Undo Abe, vanishing towards the "Central" cars.

-

-The Ky-ro-ite landlord perhaps thought he ought to be well compensated

-for keeping a hotel in such a place. A man of his sort used to "keep

-tavern" in Pasy County, Indiana, several years ago. A pedestrian stopped

-with him over night, for which the charge was 2.50.

-

-"Why, landlord," said he, "this is an outrageous bill."

-

-"You mean it's a big'un?" said the insatiate Boniface.

-

-"Yes, I do."

-

-"Well, stranger, we keep tavern here."

-

-"What has that to do with such a bill?"

-

-"Look at that'ere sign, stranger--cost ten dollars; your'n the fust

-trav'ler that's bin along for three weeks, and we can't afford to keep

-tavern for nothin--_we_ can't!"

-

-

-

-

-Not the Worst of it.

-

-Gov. Morgan, of New York, was urging the employment of General W------in

-active service, Seward objected, that he was "too old" for the emergency

-of the times.

-

-"Yes," said Uncle Abe, "we've got too many old officers in the army, and

-that is not the worst of it--_we've got two many old women_ there!" This

-was when Uncle Abe's faith was strong in little Mac.

-

-"Some conclusions;" said Uncle Abe on one occasion, "are nonsequential.

-To say that Rome was not built in a day, does not prove that it was

-built in a night."

-

-

-

-

-Accoutred en Militaire.

-

-In the outset of the famous Black-hawk war in Illinois, a "hoss company"

-was raised in the region where Uncle Abe was (then) a rising lawyer.

-I say rising, although he had then reached a height sufficient to

-help himself to most blessings--and he, the aforesaid U.A., was chosen

-Captain. Uncle Abe rode a "slapping stallion," who was either naturally

-restive, or appreciated his new honor too highly--at any rate, he

-corvetted and pirouetted like a very Bucephalus. At last he unhorsed

-his rider, who landed sprawling on the prairie in one of those green

-excrescences that abound where bovine herds range. As the discomfitted

-Uncle Abe rose, and surveyed his predicament, old Pierre Menard, who was

-a near spectator, remarked in his broken French:

-

-"Vell, I nevair sees any man accoutred en militaire like zat before."

-

-Most old suckers pronounce accoutred as the Yankees do the word

-cowcumber, and this rendered Menard's joke more unctious.

-

-

-

-

-Perils of Illinois Lawyers.

-

-Years ago, when the capital of Suckerdom was a village of less

-"magnificence" than it now presents--when Lincoln, Harden, Baker,

-McDougal, Douglas, Shields and Ferguson were all village lawyers, and

-scarcely known to fame--Judge Thomas Brown was on the Supreme bench

-of the State. He was to some extent a "character;" but not a very

-successful lawyer. He went to California, since when he has been

-generally lost sight of; but his old friends may be assured that if he

-is in the "land of the living," Uncle Abe's tax collectors will find

-him. But that's neither here nor there. His ideas of the perils of

-practicing law in Illinois, in early times, is what is now before the

-reader.

-

-On one occasion, after he had changed his residence to Peoria, having

-some business to transact in Springfield, he arrived in that place and

-put up at the old American House, (now kept by Henry Bidgely, Esq.)

-He chanced to mention the name of Peoria. Instantly the attention of a

-countryman was fixed, upon him, who, at the first opportunity accosted

-him--

-

-"From Peoria, Squar?"

-

-"Yes."

-

-"Much acquainted?"

-

-"Pretty well, Sir."

-

-"Know a lawyer up there named H------g R------s?"

-

-"Yes sir."

-

-"How's he getting along?"

-

-"Oh, first rate--devilish lucky man."

-

-"He's getting hold of considerable land, hain't he?"

-

-"Yes a deal--devilish lucky man.

-

-"Yes--large--devilish lucky man."

-

-"Look here, Squar," said the countryman, evidently puzzled at R------s

-being so devilish lucky.

-

-"What do you mean about his being so lucky?"

-

-"Mean? why I call any man lucky that practices law twenty years in

-Illinoiss, and don't get into the penitentiary."

-

-

-

-

-Couldn't Make a Presidential Chair.

-

-"Mr. Lincoln," said an ardent sovereignty man just at the beginning of

-the last Presidential contest "Mr. Douglas is a cabinet maker."

-

-"He _was_ when I first knew him," said Uncle Abe "but he gave up the

-business so long ago, that I don't think he can make a Presidential

-chair now." Uncle Abe proved himself a prophet, although at a tremendous

-cost to the country.

-

-

-

-

-"Couldn't see It in that Light."

-

-A delegation of temperance men recently sought to influence Uncle Abe to

-take some stringent steps to suppress intemperance in our armies. Among

-other reasons urged, they said our armies were often beaten because of

-intemperance.

-

-"Is that so?" said Undo Abe. "I've heard on all sides that the rebels

-drink more than our boys do, and I can't see why our boys, who drink

-less, are more liable to get whipped."

-

-"But you know the corrupting influence of the army in regard to drinking

-habits," pursued the Committee.

-

-"I've heard that, too," said Uncle Abe, "but I think they will do pretty

-well _if I can keep them out of Washington!_"

-

-The Committee didn't carry their measure, by a jug full.

-

-

-

-

-Too Tough for the Rebels.

-

-When the Illinois boys gathered at Springfield, under the call of the

-ten regiment bill, they were quartered on the fair grounds, just out

-of the city. All the stalls were filled with troops, before which were

-signs as "St. Nicholas," "Richmond House," etc., etc. Charley W------,

-on going through the fair grounds, looked into the "Richmond House," and

-said--

-

-"Well, boys, how do you get along?"

-

-"Oh, first rate," replied the Chicagoians, "we're all _stall fed_."

-

-"Bully for you," said Charley; "hope you'll be too tough for the

-rebels."

-

-

-

-

-Little Mac Helped by an Illustration.

-

-"I can't seem to reap any advantage from the rebel movements," said

-McClellan, in consultation with Uncle Abe.

-

-"Oh, you just keep a watchful, careful eye on Leer and perhaps you will

-yet see how to make use of them, as old Mother Grundy did of her crooked

-wood."

-

-"Thereby hangs a tale," remarked little Mac, with one of his peculiar,

-quaint smiles.

-

-"You're right, General. Your remark reminded me of a good old

-neighbor of my father's, in Kentucky, who died many years ago. She was

-sweet-tempered--few such in this world." Uncle Abe stopped as though a

-mental comparison had damaged some woman of his acquaintance. "Yes, her

-disposition was of that kind that extracts 'good from things evil.' And

-she was her husband's pride and boast. One day he was praising her to a

-neighbor."

-

-"'Look here, old man Grundy,' said the neighbor 'these women are just

-like cats--they are all right as long as you stroke the fur the right

-way, but reverse the movement, and you'll see the fire fly. Now, I'll

-tell you what, I bet a four-gallon keg of my four-year-old peach, that I

-can tell you how to make her as mad as a set-hen, if you dare to try."

-

-"'Done,' cried old man Grundy.

-

-"'Well, you just haul home all the crookedest sticks of wood you can

-find, and then see.'

-

-"Old man Grundy brought home a small load every day or two, and it was

-knotty and crooked as a pigs-tail; but not a word or look of complaint.

-For a week this continued, with the same result, when he asked the good

-wife how she liked the wood."

-

-"'Oh,'tis beautiful wood,' said she; 'it burns finely, and then it fits

-_around my pots and kettles just, as if 'twas made on purpose_.'"

-

-Lee did not fit into Mac's hand so well, yet the story was not without

-its use to him.

-

-

-

-

-An Acre of Fight.

-

-During the progress of the Senatorial campaign between Douglas and

-Lincoln, Uncle Abe came home to recreate a few days. Douglas, long used

-to the political arena, bore the fatigues of the canvass like a veteran.

-His custom was to bathe just after supper, getting some friend to rub

-him like a race horse, when he would sit down and enjoy his whisky

-and cigar. Lincoln, lank and abstemious, bore his yoke with evident

-weariness. But to the story.

-

-Uncle Abe went up into the Governor's room in the State House, where he

-was soon joined by many of the leading Republicans of the town. Some one

-remarked on his look of weariness. "It is a mighty contest," remarked

-Uncle Jesse Du Bois.

-

-"But Mr. Lincoln does not show his great appreciation of it upon the

-stand," remarked a Chicago correspondent, in allusion to Uncle Abe's

-good humored replies to Douglas.

-

-"But still, when the day's gladiatorial combat is over, it seems to

-me, as the Kentucky fellow said, that I had been through 'an acre of

-fight.'"

-

-"Give us that story, Abe," said Dr. Wallace, Uncle Abe's brother-in-law.

-

-"Well, one of my earliest recollections of a Kentucky Court, was a trial

-about a fight. It took place in the Court House grounds, and the Judge,

-thinking it constructable as a contempt of Court, sent out the Sheriff,

-and had the parties quickly brought before him. Both had bruised noses

-and beavers, and showed the unmistakable evidence of having been in

-a scrimage. The witnesses were numerous, and the evidence was so

-conflicting, that the Judge declared he could legally reach no other

-conclusion than that there had _been no fight at all_. But the Sheriff

-ventured to suggest:

-

-"Here's Jim Blowers--he had hold on one of them fellers, when I arrested

-them."

-

-"Mr. Clerk," said the Judge, "you will at once swear Mr. Blowers."

-

-"Now, Mr. Blowers," said the Clerk, "you will please tell the Court what

-you know about this affair."

-

-"Well, ax on."

-

-"Well, was there a fight between these parties?"

-

-"Just a bit of scrimage."

-

-"It was a real fight, was it?"

-

-"Well, some people would call it that."

-

-"How much of a fight was it?"

-

-"Oh, considerable--they pulled and hauled about kinder like two cows

-when they lock horns."

-

-"But, tell the Court more precisely?"

-

-"Well, I should say it was a right smart fight."

-

-"But _how_ much of a fight?"

-

-"Well, then, just about an acre, I reckon."

-

-It is needless to say that the crowd enjoyed the joke hugely.

-

-"It is easier to pay a small debt than a larger one."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Believes in the Intelligence of Oysters.

-

-In the year 1860 or thereabouts, when a great patent case was being

-tried in Chicago, and champagne and oysters were the favorite viands

-served nightly to Counsel and Jurors after the adjournment of Court, it

-happened that one Ed. D------n, a young patent lawyer from New York, was

-present on one of those occasions. Now, Ned is terribly afflicted with a

-determination of words to the mouth, and managed to monopolize the whole

-conversation. Ned had a speech to make upon everything, and kept buzzing

-around like a musquito, dipping his bill into everything animate or

-inanimate, no matter which. At last he began to officiate at serving out

-the oysters, and with ladle in hand, said in his usual stilted style,

-"I wonder whether this bivalve, this seemingly obtuse oyster, is endowed

-with any degree of intelligence." Uncle Abe looked at the puppy, who, by

-the way, had prevented him cracking a single one of his favorite jokes

-for the entire evening, and quaintly remarked, that "he was satisfied

-that an oyster knew when to shut up, and that was more than some

-New York lawyers knew." Ned has never propounded the query as to the

-intellect of oysters since.

-

-

-

-

-An Egyptian Snake Story

-

-The last county made in Illinois--I don't mean by the Legislature, but

-by Nature, and where dirt was so short that it lies under water part of

-the year--is called Alexander, and used to boast two rival towns, both

-thoroughly Egyptian in their nomenclative association--Cairo and Thebes.

-Twenty years ago Thebes was the "seat of justice;" but Cairo was then

-beginning to entertain magnificent expectations, and her citizens wanted

-to have the Court House removed to their town. The contest waxed warm.

-The Thebans contended that Cairo was only a "daub of mud on the tail

-of the State," while Thebes was destined to hold the same relation to

-Alexander, that its ancient namesake did to Egypt in the time of Menes.

-[See Herodotus.] But to settle the dispute, the Legislature must be

-appealed to, and that involved the choice of a man favorable to the

-change. This narrowed the fight right down to a hot county canvass

-between the Theban and Cairoine interests.

-

-A Cairo man conceived a scheme that was ahead of anything yet achieved

-by Uncle Abe's brigadiers in the way of "strategy." He wrapped a boulder

-in a green hide, making a perfectly round mass, to which he attached a

-mule; then night after night he drew the stone through sand and mud.

-By going on a straight line, the mule's tracks were concealed, and the

-track left, resembled that made by a huge serpent.

-

-[Illustration: 0041]

-

-These tracks were mainly in the south end of the county, and caused

-an excitement that almost absorbed the election interest. Soon it was

-reported that Mrs. so and so had seen a huge snake. The wonder grew

-apace. Anon it was currently reported that two men had seen the great

-serpent five miles above Cairo. The excitement increased. Several daring

-hunters followed the track, of which new ones were made every night;

-but the trail always led into water and was lost. Several persons missed

-hogs and calves, which were surmised to have gone into the capacious maw

-of the serpent. Finally word was given out that a great hunt was to come

-off in the lower part of the county, and the rendezvous was appointed.

-On the morning, hundreds were there from all parts of the county, and

-dividing into squads they started to scour the country about. At night

-they returned from their snakeless hunt, but so anxious were the people

-to get rid of his snakeship, that they furnished an abundance of edibles

-and whisky. All were in hilarious spirits, determined to renew the hunt

-on the following morning. By daylight the hunters were again on the

-tramp, and men from the lower part of the county happened to fall into

-the squad.

-

-About 3 o'clock in the afternoon, a squad of the bans hove in sight

-of a small village, _i.e._ one house a blacksmith shop and a grocery,

-where, seeing a large crowd assembled, they hurried up in expectation of

-seeing the dead monster. _But the men were voting!_

-

-"Thunder!" cried a Theban, "this is election day, and I'll bet my bottom

-dollar we're sold!"

-

-They started for the rendezvous and spread their suspicions; but so few

-reached their own precincts, that the Cairo man was elected.

-

-Then the joke came out; but the Thebans couldn't see the "laughing

-place;" their rage and mortification was so intense.

-

-Uncle Abe was a member of the Legislature, when an effort was made to

-change the county seat of Alexander; and though he liked the joke hugely

-by which the Thebans had been "diddled," he saw the honesty of the thing

-and so voted against any change.

-

-

-

-

-Why Uncle Abe Made a Brigadier.

-

-When the rebellion had gone so far as to give the most hopeful

-some clear idea of its extent and malignancy, it chanced that J. A.

-Mc------d, a leading politician of Illinois, made a visit to Washington,

-and imitated his friend Douglas so far as to call upon Uncle Abe. The

-"shoot" that certain prominent Democrats gave indication of taking,

-by talking of reconstruction and a Northwestern Republic, gave the new

-administration some concern. Uncle Abe was very sociable with Logan,

-Mac, and a few of their "ilk." So Uncle Abe not only extended to Mac the

-hospitalities of the White House, but accompanied him on a visit to the

-arsenal. While there, their attention was drawn to some muskets which

-the speculators had furnished to Cameron, and which were thought

-(generally) very dangerous to those who used them.

-

-Mac caught up one, and sighted along the barrel.

-

-"Do that again, Mac," said Uncle Abe.

-

-Mac complied. Uncle Abe was evidently struck with an idea, and Mac was

-anxious to know what it was like.

-

-"Why, Mac," said Uncle Abe, "I was thinking if we could get all our

-soldiers to make up that kind of a face, that the rebels couldn't stand

-it a moment." Mac didn't relish Uncle Abe's joke, as he was hopefully

-in pursuit of the third wife; but he put the best face he could upon the

-matter, and remarked to Uncle Abe--

-

-"Perhaps you'd better make me a Brigadier then!"

-

-"And why not?" asked Uncle Abe.

-

-Mac got his commission.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Puzzled.

-

-Uncle Abe was met one day near Springfield, by a conceited coxcomb, who

-had built him a house at some distance, and invited him to dinner.

-Uncle Abe did not much relish the Jackenape's acquaintance. In fact,

-as Justice Shallow has it, had "written him down an Ass." However, Abe

-enquired very minutely, where Snooks lived? "Thistle Grove," replied the

-verdant Snooks; "but there's no grove now, and not a single thistle!"

-

-"Eh, what!" cries Uncle Abe, "not a single thistle! Then what on airth

-do you live on?"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Divided on a Question.

-

-In 1840 or '41, Uncle Abo was a member of the Illinois Legislature.

-The Capital had lately been removed from Vandalia to Springfield. The

-Legislature met in the Presbyterian church.

-

-I have forgotten what measure was before the house; but it was one in

-which there were many members who did not wish to commit themselves.

-Uncle Abe was in this predicament. He sat near an open window, and when

-the clerk, calling the ayes and nays had got down to L's, Uncle Abe

-thrust his right leg out of the window, and was just drawing its long

-companion after it, when an anti-dodging member "seeing the game," shut

-the sash down and held Uncle Abe in a trap.

-

-"Lincoln," called out the Clerk.

-

-"Mr. Speaker," said Col. Thornton, "Mr. Lincoln is _divided_ on this

-question, and I move you that the sergeant at arms be sent to bring in

-that part of him that is out of the window."

-

-Uncle Abe was "_brought in_" amid a universal titter, to his evident

-mortification.

-

-In 1840, the Union generally went for Harrison; but Illinois,

-particularly, was democratic. When the Legislature met in the Fall

-of that year, the Whig members tried to break up the _new_ Session by

-absenting themselves from voting to adjourn the old Session _sine die_,

-so that they could Constitutionally meet the next Wednesday morning; the

-State Constitution requiring the Legislature to meet "the first Monday

-in December next, ensuing the election of members." After the breaking

-up of the morning Session, the Sergeant-at-arms hunted up the delinquent

-Whigs, and at 3 o'clock there was a quorum obtained, and the doors

-locked. The Springfield _Register_ of Dec. 11, 1840, mentions this

-matter, but thinks Uncle Abe "come off without damage, as it was noticed

-that his legs reached nearly from the window to the ground!"

-

-A proposition was afterwards humorously proposed, to add another story

-to the new State House, so that fugacious members would have to go down

-the water spouts if they ran!

-

-

-

-

-Tried for Scaring the Girls.

-

-Thirty years ago, when Springfield was blooming into the dignity of its

-Capitalive position, the American House was its great hotel, (and it

-isn't its smallest yet,) and the resort of those who loved to spend

-a few hours in the society of the _bon vivants_ who then

-assembled--Lincoln, Douglas, Shields, Ferguson, Herndon, (then a young

-man, but since the law partner of Uncle Abe,) and many others "not

-unknown to fame," could almost always be found here during the evening.

-

-One evening as they were sitting in free converse in the bar-room, one

-of the chamber maids came in and informed the landlord that a man was

-under her bed.

-

-It seems while stooping down to untie her gaiters, she saw a man under

-the bed. With rare presence of mind, she excused herself to her fellow

-servant as having forgotten some duty, and reported her discovery to

-the landlord. Boniface at once called for volunteers to secure the

-interloper. So eager were they for fun, that all volunteered. They

-surprised and captured the man, and brought him down to the bar-room;

-but what to do with him? was the next question. Springfield then had no

-vagabonds who made fees out of misfortunes--i.e. policemen--and it was

-determined to treat him with the prompt justice peculiar to that era. A

-court was therefore got together at once, all expectant of fun but the

-unfortunate culprit.

-

-Judge Thomas Brown was decided upon to act as Judge; Melborn, the

-talented, but eccentric State Attorney, was detailed to prosecute;

-and Lincoln and Douglas to defend the prisoner. Dr. Wallace acted as

-Sheriff, and upon the jury were Dr. Merriman, * Gen. Shields, John

-Calhoun (of Lecompton memory,) Uri Manly, and many other well known

-personages.

-

-Lawborn, though a regularly-educated and talented lawyer, took occasion

-not only to be as "funny as he could," but to imitate the prevailing

-style of oratory too common in Illinois--a style in which the

-Hard-shell-Baptist devil mingled with the rough dialect of the

-back-woodsman.

-

-"_May it please your Honor, and you, gentlemen of the Jury_: The

-Legislature of Illinois, though it has legislated upon every subject it

-could think of, has omitted to pass any act against a man being born as

-ugly as he pleases. If such an idea ever occurred to my friend Lincoln

-here, when in the Legislature, I know he would at once dismiss it,

-not only as too personal, but as repugnant to his honest heart. As for

-myself, I like ugly men. An ugly man stands up on his own merits. Nature

-has done nothing for him, and he feels that he must labor to supply the

-deficit by amiability and good conduct generally. There is not an ugly

-man in this room but has felt this. A pretty man, on the contrary,

-trusts his face to supply head, heart and everything. He is an anomaly

-in nature, as though the productions had been at fault as to sex, and

-sought to correct it when too late. They are girl's first loves, and

-doting husband's jealous bane. I confess I don't like pretty men half so

-well as I do pretty women.

-

-     * Afterward murdered and robbed on the Pacific.

-

-"No, gentlemen, ugliness is nothing. It is manners that is everything.

-The ugliest man that ever lived, never intentionally frightened a

-woman--nay, never was so unfortunate as to do so. But this creature,

-gentlemen of the Jury, this mendacious wretch whom you set in judgment

-upon--this creature, who would doubtless enter for a prize of beauty at

-a vanity fair--how has he failed in his duty to society? Why, gentlemen,

-by crawling under the bed upon which two fair damsels were about to

-expose their loveliness to Diana's envious gaze. Did he wish to woo

-them? Petruche's was rough in his wooing--this man was mean! Woman loves

-not surprises. Their hearts are fond of open sieges. This is the case of

-all women-kind. Maugre the slander of Hudibras:=

-

-``"He that woos a maid,

-

-``Must lie, love, and flatter."=

-

-"It is a _mystery_ that adds to beauty, and the woman who surrenders that

-to importunity or surprise, has lost half her vantage ground. The story

-of Guyges and Candaules' queen, if not paralleled here, is not without

-its moral. What else meant this wretch, gentlemen of the Jury, but to

-surprise these charming damsels when only armed with the light shield

-that the Huntress and the cotton plant throws over earthly beauty? Or,

-perhaps he meant more--his own guilty heart can only accuse him there.

-

-"Gentlemen of the Jury, the failure of our Legislature to provide a

-specific punishment for such miscreants, as this--lecherous creatures,

-who steal upon woman amid the mysteries of the bed-room--is no reason

-why society should fold its arms and leave woman's hidden beauties to be

-anatomized by guilty eyes. No, gentlemen of the Jury, outraged decency

-cries for its victim, and here he tremblingly, guiltily stands.

-

-"Gentlemen of the Jury, where are the spirits of the fathers of the

-Constitution? Are they not hovering over us in the air of the still

-summer day? Are they not wailing upon the winds that sweep over our

-prairies? Are they not heard in the sigh of the mountain pine? Are they

-not abroad in all lands, whispering to earth's downtrodden millions like

-a voice of hope? Yes, gentlemen of the Jury! and where was this creature

-then? Why, creeping under the bed of two girls, hazzarding the chance of

-overturning--well, it matters not."

-

---And much more, in a view that needed to be heard to be appreciated.

-

-Lincoln followed, illustrating with anecdotes meet for the place and

-occasion, of which I recollect only the opening. "Gentlemen of the

-Jury," said he, "the remarks of my friend Lawborn about ugly men, comes

-home to my bosom like the sweet oders of a rose to its neighboring great

-sister, the cabbage. It was a grateful, a just tribute to that neglected

-class of the community--ugly men, I wish to say something for my

-client, although it must in candor be admitted, that he had 'gone to

-pot.' I don't see why we should throw the kettle after him; he may be

-the victim of circumstances; he looks very bashful now, and it may be

-the girls scared him; who knows? At least I claim for him the benefit of

-a doubt.

-

-"Why, gentlemen, many of us have, or might have suffered from a

-concatenation of circumstances as strong as that under which my client

-labors. Let me relate a little personal anecdote in illustration. When

-I was making the secret canvass of this country, with my friend

-Cartwright, the Pioneer Preacher, we chanced to stop at the house of one

-of our old Kentucky farmers, whose log-cabin parlor, kitchen and hall

-were blended in one, and only separated at night by sundry blankets hung

-up between the beds. As we were candidates for the august Legislature of

-Illinois, our host treated us with the privacy of a blanket room. During

-the night I was awakened by some one throwing their leg over me with

-some force. I thought it was neighbor Cartright, and took hold of it to

-give it a toss back; but it didn't feel like one of his white oak legs,

-and while I was feeling it to ascertain the correctness of my half-awake

-doubts, a stifled scream thoroughly awakened me, and the leg was

-withdrawn. Why, gentlemen, would you believe me? It was the leg of our

-host's daughter! Imagine my position if you can! What an _apparent_

-breach of hospitality! While I was imagining an excuse for my conduct,

-the 'old folks' struck a light, and the blanket between our bed and

-that of the buxom damsel, was discovered to have been pulled down! More

-damning proof, thought I. I feigned sleep, but kept one corner of my

-left eye open for observation. The blanket was soon fixed up, and I

-was greatly relieved to hear the damsel explain to her mother that she

-herself had invaded our bed while dreaming, caused by some un-digestable

-vegetables she had eaten for her supper. Our host was serene and affable

-in the morning, and I had no need to apologize; but, gentlemen, imagine

-what an escape I had, and have mercy on my client."

-

-Uncle Abe made a side splitting speech all through, and Douglas followed

-with a "constitutional" argument.

-

-The Jury returned a verdict of "guilty of scaring the girls," and the

-Judge sentenced the culprit to be whipped in the back yard, by the girls

-he had scared.

-

-Dr. Wallace, the acting Sheriff, (no, a paymaster in the army,) went out

-and bought a cow hide, and the fellow was soon tied up to a post, and

-the girls made per force to give him thirty-nine well laid on.

-

-The whole affair was a rich evening's divertisement, and cost nothing

-more than a few lost vest buttons and strained button holes.

-

-It is needless to say that the fellow became a _non est_ man from that

-day thenceforth.

-

-

-

-

-"Thank God for the Sassengers."

-

-Most of the readers of this have perhaps read a good story of Oliver

-Ditson, the celebrated Boston Music publisher. After he had been in

-business several years, his New Hampshire friends invited him to open

-his Thanksgiving in his native town, he accepted the invitation and

-started with some of his friends. On the way Ditson was the great man of

-the occasion, and was therefore placed at the head of the table, when

-it devolved upon him to ask the blessing. Now Oliver practiced more

-religion than he knew the exact forms for, and he was in a sad dilemma;

-but he essayed boldly the task. He thanked God for all the 'creature

-comforts' there were upon the table--for all there ever had been--for

-all that was expected. But how to quit? He went on, thanking and trying

-to think at the same time how 'blessings' ended, but to no purpose.

-Knives rattled, plates moved, and Oliver saw the hungry people were

-getting impatient, and he came to the end in a real business like style,

-with--"Yours, respectfully, OLIVER DITSON."

-

-Almost as good an anecdote is told by Uncle Abe of one of his old

-friends, a Mr. Sawyer, who merchandized either in Macon or Champaign

-County. Sawyer, was a Yankee, and distinguished for little besides an

-immoderate liking for "sassingers," as he called that "linked sweetness"

-which polite people call sausages. When Uncle Abe was stumping the

-Sangamon District for Congress, it befell that he and Sawyer met at the

-same country hotel, which was kept by a hardshell Baptist, whose

-foible was long prayers and blessings at table. They--Lincoln and

-Sawyer--happened to be going to the same town by the same coaches. So

-they were up betimes and ready, but breakfast was delayed. They at last

-got to the table, and the Deacon was just closing his eyes preliminary

-to the blessing, when the stage horn blew.

-

-"Bless me, Deacon, there's the stage ready," cried the Sawyer; "thank

-God for the sassengers, and let us fall too."

-

-I hardly need say the Deacon's blessing--and perhaps his breakfast were

-spoiled. But Sawyer had his "sassengers."

-

-

-

-

-Was'nt Murder After All.

-

-When the present State House of Illinois, was being built--and it's a

-passable edifice, baring it is too low in the ground, and the _summer

-house_ up on its top is too low to catch the cool breezes--it chanced

-that among the workmen engaged upon it was a New Yorker named Johnson.

-This man had a sovereign contempt for most of the shinplasters then

-circulating in Illinois; nor was he much amiss in this, for if it

-was now in existence, it would be exchangable at par with Jeff Davis'

-shinplasters. But through the instrumentality of Col. Thornton's

-negotiations in New York with McAlister of Stebbins, (a claim, by the

-way, that has never been settled but came near _settling_ the State _a

-la_ Mattoon,) a large amount of the bills of the New York _Metropolitan

-Bank_ were put into circulation about Springfield. For this currency

-Johnson conceived so great a partiality that the passion of avarice soon

-turned it into a mania. He bought all these notes his means permitted,

-and stored them away about his person with miserly care.

-

-One Sunday Johnson was invited to ride out to the Cut off by a man

-(Smith for the nonce) and accepted. They did'nt stop at the Cut-off, but

-went direct to Sangamon River. Here, they were overheard quarrelling.

-

-Smith came home without Johnson, who was soon missed, and as he was

-known to have gone away with Smith, that individual was soon put in that

-log building still standing (it did in '62) back of Carrigan's Hotel,

-and which has since served as a hen house etc. (Why don't Butler take a

-picture of it, to show the "rising generation" what a small house used

-to hold all the _known or taken_ rogues of old Sangamon?)

-

-The examination of Smith, did not take place until the river bank had

-been examined. There were signs of a struggle on the bank, and to the

-water's edge, which gave force to the evidence of the man who heard

-them in dispute, and all felt convinced that Johnson had been murdered.

-Although a careful examination and dredging of the river failed to

-produce the body, Smith was committed for trial.

-

-Uncle Abe was engaged as counsel for Johnson, but had little hopes of

-being of any earthly aid to him.

-

-At last the day of trial came, and the prisoner plead "not guilty."

-

-I think it was Melborn who was the prosecuting Attorney; before the

-prosecution had opened the case Uncle Abe rose and said:

-

-"May it please the Court, I have a motion to make before the prosecution

-opens; and as it may save the Court some unnecessary labor, I hope it

-will be entertained. _I move that the indictment be quashed and the

-prisoner discharged!_"

-

-The astonishment of the crowded Court room was immense, shared alike by

-Judge, bar and spectators. As soon as the Judge recovered his equanimity

-he asked:

-

-"Upon what grounds is so extraordinary a motion made?"

-

-"Why the man Johnson, was not murdered at all, and I have the pleasure

-of introducing _him to the presence of the Court_."

-

-Johnson was led forward. Hundreds recognized him immediately, The

-excitement was so great that the Judge adjourned the Court.

-

-It seems that the parties had quarreled, Johnson had been pushed into

-the river, but had got out and wandered off in a state of partial

-aberation of mind and had been working on a farm. His passion for

-Metropolitan Bank Notes and his name suggested an idea that he was the

-missing man, and he was opportunely produced in time to save a man from

-being hung.

-

-

-

-

-Joe Reed's Mule Hunt.

-

-One of the best natured fellows in the world, when he is not mad, is

-Joe Reed, of Logan County, Illinois, Joe is a staunch Republican--a real

-rip-rarer in the cause, and has given Uncle Abe the lift of a mighty

-broad pair of shoulders more than once, although at first he had a poor

-opinion of the rail-splitter. Thereby hangs a tale.

-

-In 18--, (the date is forgotten on account of the coldness of the

-weather that winter,) Joe lost a couple of mules. After they had

-been gone for a long time, he chanced to hear of them in a settlement

-somewhere within the present bounds of Macon County. Illinois. At the

-first opportunity Joe started on a mule hunt, determined to find either

-the mules or some _trace_ of them. On reaching the neighborhood in

-question, Joe was satisfied that an old fellow named Bosby Sheel, had

-his mules; and when he went in person, and saw them, the assurance of

-his eyes made "assurance double sure." He at once made claim, but the

-old fellow had heard that possession was nine points of the law--he

-declined to surrender them; Joe immediately appealed to old Squire

-P------, who at once summoned the holder of the mules to his Court. The

-Squire informed Joe that he would have to prove property; but Joe said

-he would only have to swear to his property. In this dilemma, the Squire

-adjourned Court till after dinner and remarked to Joe that he had better

-get a lawyer.

-

-"There is young Abe Lincoln, he don't live far from here, and he'll be

-at my house after dinner."

-

-As he was the only lawyer immediately thereabouts, Joe thought he had

-best employ him, in order to "have the law on his side."

-

-Soon after dinner a stranger arrived, and the Justice (who was landlord

-of the only hotel in the settlement,) whispered to Joe, that that was

-the lawyer.

-

-"What!" exclaimed Joe, "that lean, lank gawky? Why, I'll bet both

-of them mules I know more law nor he does, for I'm a 'Squire at home

-myself--I am."

-

-"But his looks is mighty deceivin', I tell you," said Boniface. "He's

-gin out to be one of the piertest young fellows short o' Sangamon."

-

-But Joe was decided, and the 'Squire re-convened his Court, he having

-the meantime laid the case before his young friend, the lawyer, and got

-his opinion.

-

-Acting his own lawyer, Joe felt it due to his course to give a concise

-statement of the law. As he stood up, he still continued to read from a

-green-covered book that had engaged his attention most of the day It was

-one of Cooper's latest novels. As Joe gave his version of the law, it

-seemed to 'Squire P------ that he was _reading_ the law.

-

-"Is that really the law?" said he, as Joe finished his version of the

-law--not the book. "Let me see that book."

-

-Joe mechanically handed it to him.

-

-After pouring over it for some time, he handed it back, with an air of

-disappointment, remarking:

-

-"Drat me! if I see any sich law in that book."

-

-"Well, it ain't no wonder ye don't--that's the _Red Rover_, a novel and

-not a law book, and you've been and lost my place too," Joe found his

-place, and continued: "what I told you is what the law says, and I know

-it's so."

-

-"Well, as you're a 'Squire, too, I reckon you ought to know. As the mules

-don't belong to old man Bosby Sheel and you swear they are you'rn, I

-hold he's bound to give'em up."

-

-Joe rallied the old Squire rather hard about looking over the _Red

-Rover_ for extra law, but finally "give a treat" and left the Squire and

-his friend in the best of humors.

-

-Said Uncle Abe when he had the small-pox, "I now can give something to

-every one who calls."

-

-

-

-

-Has no Influence with the Administration.

-

-Judge Baldwin, an old and highly respectable and sedate gentleman,

-called a few days since on Gen. Halleck, and presuming upon a familiar

-acquaintance in California formerly, solicited a pass outside of our

-lines, to see a brother in Virginia, not thinking that he would be met

-with a refusal, as both his brother and himself were good Union men.

-

-"We have been deceived too often," said General Halleck, "and I regret I

-can't grant it."

-

-Judge B. then went to Stanton, and was very briefly disposed of with the

-same result. Finally he obtained an interview with Uncle Abe, and stated

-his case.

-

-"Have you applied to Gen. Halleck?" inquired the President.

-

-"And met with a flat refusal," said Judge B.

-

-"Then you must see Stanton," continued Uncle Abe.

-

-"I have, and with the same result," was the reply.

-

-"Well, then," said Uncle Abe, with a smile of good humor, "I can do

-nothing; for you must know _that I have very little influence with this

-Administration_."

-

-

-

-

-A Touching Incident.

-

-The following incident, which occurred at the White House, will appeal

-to every heart. It reveals unmistakably the deep kindness of Uncle Abe's

-character:

-

-"At a reception recently at the White House, many persons present

-noticed three little girls poorly dressed, the children of some mechanic

-or laboring man, who had followed the visitors into the house to gratify

-their curiosity. They were passed from room to room, and were passing

-through the reception room with some trepidation, when Uncle Abe, called

-to them: 'Little girls, are you going to pass me without shaking hands?'

-Then he bent his tall, awkward form down, and shook each little girl

-warmly by the hand. Everybody in the apartment was spellbound by the

-incident, so simple in itself, yet revealing so much of Uncle Abe's

-character."

-

-

-

-

-A Lincoln Man Ducked.

-

-During the canvass between Uncle Abe, and Peter Cartright, the

-celebrated Pioneer Preacher, it chanced that Cartright, was returning to

-his home from the Williamsville and Wiggins Lane settlement. The nearest

-crossing of the Sangamon was at Carpenter's Mills, where there was the

-convenience of a ferry instead of a bridge, as is now the case. Upon the

-hill on the western side of the river, Cartright saw a man elevated upon

-a barrel in front of a little grocery--and on nearing him, he discovered

-that he was giving the Democrats in general, and Uncle Peter Cartright

-in particular, a perfect fusilade of small shots of slang and abuse.

-

-"I tell you, boys, I'm a Whig,--a real Harrison Tippacanoe and Tyler

-too, Whig," said he. "I'm for putting down all these cuss'd locofocos,

-and if we can't vote'em down, why I go for lickin'em' down. There's

-long Abe Lincoln that's runnin' for the Legislature--he's the chap to

-vote for. He's one of the people--split rails and got his edycation by

-moonlight. He don't go round the country prayin' and preachin' like that

-mean Methodist cuss, Peter Cartright, that's runnin' agin him. I'd like

-to know what we wants of a parson to make laws for us? Just elect him,

-and fust you know he'll have a bill into the Legislature, to fine us for

-not goin' to meetin' or for drinkin' a glass of whisky. I'll tell

-you what, if he ever comes round here, I'll just pass him inter the

-Sangamon--certain--sure."

-

-Just here Uncle Peter Cartright enquired for "the ferryman.

-

-"I'm the ferry-man, old hoss," sung out the rustic orator, "and ken

-put ye cross the river in no time." Uncle Peter signified his desire

-to cross, and the twain started towards the ferry boat. The Preacher

-stepping into the boat, hitched his horse to the side, while the

-ferryman shoved out into the stream.

-

-"So you are a Lincoln man?" queried Uncle Peter. "I'm that hoss."

-

-"And so I presume you would douse a Cartright man if you had a chance?"

-

-"I mought do it stranger."

-

-"Certainly you would douse Mr. Cartright?"

-

-"Sure's winkin', old fellow."

-

-"Well Sir, I am Peter Cartright at your service," and before the

-ferryman recovered from his surprise Uncle Peter pitched him into the

-river, took the pole and put himself across the river.

-

-The ferryman did'nt vote for Uncle Peter but he altered his opinion of

-Methodist preachers in general and Uncle Peter in particular.

-

-

-

-

-A Comparison.

-

-One day as Uncle Abe, and a friend were sitting on the House of

-Representatives steps, the session closed, and the members filed out in

-a body. Uncle Abe looked after them with a serious smile. "That reminds

-me," said he, "of a little incident when I was a boy; my flat boat lay

-up at Alton on the Mississippi, for a day, and I strolled about the

-town. I saw a large stone building, with massive stone walls, not

-so handsome though, as this, and while I was looking at it, the iron

-gateway opened, and a great body of men came out. 'What do you call

-that?' I asked a bystander. 'That,' said he, 'is the State Prison, and

-those are all thieves going home. Their time is up.'"

-

-

-

-

-"There's Enough for All."

-

-Uncle Abe was terribly bored by the office seekers, even before the

-Presidential house-warming had scarcely began. The Illinois politicians

-were the most ravenous pap-Suckers of all.

-

-"Just wait a little," said Uncle Abe, "I can assure you, as L------d

-S------t did the swine, 'there's enough for all.'"

-

-"Let us have the story, Uncle Abe," said one of the crowd, who evidently

-expected something rich.

-

-"Why, you see," began Uncle Abe, "I attended court many years ago at

-Mt. Pulaski, the first county seat of Logan County, and there was the

-jolliest set of rollicking young Lawyers there that you ever saw

-together. There was Bill F------n, Bill H------n, L------d S------t, and

-a lot more, and they mixed law and Latin, water and whisky, with equal

-success. It so fell out that the whisky seemed to be possessed of the

-very spirit of Jonah. At any rate, S------t went out to the hog-pen,

-and, leaning over, began to 'throw up Jonah.' The hogs evidently thought

-it feed time, for they rushed forward and began to squabble over the

-voided matter.

-

-"'Don't fight (hic),' said S------t: 'there's enough (hic) for all.'"

-

---The politicians couldn't see anything to laugh at, although the

-"snubbin" was plain enough.

-

-

-

-

-Making a President.

-

-Uncle Abe, in elucidating his estimate of Presidential honors, tells a

-clever story, as he always does, when he sets about it. It seems that

-Windy Billy, who is a politician of no ordinary pretensions, was a

-candidate for the Consulship of Bayonne, and he urged his appointment

-with the eloquence of a Clay or a Seward. He boasted vociferously of his

-activity in promoting the success of the Republican ticket, and averred

-with his impassioned earnestness that he and he alone had made Uncle Abe

-President.

-

-"Ah!" exclaimed Uncle Abe, "and it was you who made me President, was

-it?" a twinkle in his eye all the time.

-

-"Yes," said Billy, rubbing his hands and throwing out his chest, as a

-baggage-master would a small valise, "yes, I think I may say I am the

-man who made you President."

-

-"Well, Billy, my boy, if that's the case, it's a h--ll of a muss you got

-me into, that's all."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Boss of the Cabinet.

-

-A prominent Senator was remonstrating with Uncle Abe a few days ago

-about keeping Mr. Chase in his Cabinet, when it was as well known that

-Mr. C. is opposed, tooth and nail, to Uncle Abe's re-election.

-

-"Now, see here," said Uncle Abe, "when I was elected I resolved to hire

-my four Presidential rivals, pay them their wages and be their 'boss.'

-These were Seward, Chase, Cameron and Bates; but I got rid of Cameron

-after he had played himself out. As to discharging Chase or Seward,

-don't talk of it. I pay them their wages and am their boss, and would'nt

-let either of them out on the loose for the fee simple of the Almaden

-patent."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Peter Cartright's Wonder.

-

-Some of the farmers in and about Saggamon county, Illinois, have been and

-still are so intent on cattle-raising, that the business is a sort

-of cattle-mania. Uncle Peter was one Sunday preaching near a good old

-deacon of this sort, whose piety was somewhat like that of a card-playing

-lady mentioned by Addison, (Spectator No. 7,) who had a set hour for her

-devotions, and if she happened to be at a game, would get a friend to

-"hold her hand" while she said her prayers. Our worthy deacon was rather

-vain of his "gift" praying and saying "blessings" at table. As a matter

-of courtesy, he might occasionally ask a visiting preacher to pray

-or ask a blessing; but he never failed to exhibit his "gift" to his

-visitors. He had a singsong way of "getting it off," at the same time

-beating time with his hands on either side of his plate. On the occasion

-alluded to, he began--"Oh Lord! (thump) bless the creature comforts

-(thump) provided for our (thump) sustenance (thump.) Bless it (thump) to

-our needs (thump) and necessities, (thump). Lead us aright, (thump) but

-if we stray (thump) put us back (thump) into the right path, (thump).

-Bless the stranger (thump) that comes beneath our roof, (thump) and keep

-his feet (thump) in pleasant paths, (thump). What we ask (thump)

-amiss, (thump) withhold; (thump) but grant us what our (thump)

-short-sightedness omits, (thump) and thine be the glory (thump) now and

-for ever, (thump) a------."

-

-And here the old deacon stopped suddenly, opened his eyes, and looking

-across the table, asked:

-

-"Son John, did Mr. Jones settle yet for that Durham cow?"

-

-"Yes, father--it's all right."

-

-"Amen," concluded the deacon.

-

-"Cattle! cattle!" exclaimed Uncle Peter in ill-concealed disgust.

-

-"Why, you can't say your prayers without having cattle running through

-your head; I wonder the Lord don't turn such Christians into cattle!"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe a Shaksperian.

-

-When Uncle Abe was making a plea in one of the county Circuit Courts,

-not far from Springfield, one of the lawyers becoming sensible that he

-was being out-generaled, remarked to Uncle Abe, as he sat down--

-

-"I smell a mice."

-

-"Why don't you quote Shakspeare correctly?" said Uncle Abe.

-

-"Why," said the other, "I was not aware that I Was quoting Shakspeare at

-all."

-

-"Certainly you were, and had you done it properly, it would have been

-more expressive and less vulgar. The correct expression is, 'I smell a

-device.'"

-

-

-

-

-The Running Sickness.

-

-In the Black Hawk war, Uncle Abe belonged to a militia company in the

-service. On a scout, the company encountered the Indians, and in a

-brisk skirmish drove them some miles, when, night coming on, our forces

-encamped. Great was the consternation on discovering that Lincoln was

-missing. His absence or rather his stories, from the bivouac, was a

-misfortune. Suddenly, however, he came into camp. "Maj. Abe, is that

-you? Thought you were killed. Where've you been?" were the startling

-speculations. "Yes," said Uncle Abe, "this is me--ain't killed either."

-

-"But where have you been all the time?"

-

-"Oh, just over there."

-

-"But what were you over there for? Didn't run away, did you?"

-

-"No," said he deliberately, "I don't think I run away; but, after all, I

-reckon if anybody had seen me going, and had been told I was going for a

-doctor, he would have thought somebody was almighty sick."

-

-

-

-

-How to Get Rid of Rats.

-

-So thick had the rats become in Logan County, a few years ago, that the

-means of getting rid of the nuisance was freely discussed. The newly

-organized Agricultural Society, finally concluded to offer three

-premiums for the then largest numbers. The man who took the largest

-prize, exhibited over 1,700 scalps all caught in the space of three

-weeks. At the time these prizes were pending, Uncle Abe attended Court

-there, and Col. L------n, (a considerable gourmand,) by the way, was

-discussing the best way to get rid of the rats, and finally asked Uncle

-Abe's opinion.

-

-"Why," said Uncle Abe, "rats are a 'cunning cattle,' and soon find out

-how things are going. I introduce them to your table as a delicacy, and

-when they find out you are making 'game' of them they will soon give you

-a wide berth."

-

-The Colonel winced under a faint impression; but silently ratified Uncle

-Abe's conclusions. "Yes," chimed in M------, "we might go so far as to

-use their pelts to ornament our winter clothing."

-

-

-

-

-A Palpable Application

-

-On a late occasion, when the White House was open to the public, a

-farmer from one of the border counties of Virginia told Uncle Abe that

-the Union soldiers, in passing his farm, had helped themselves not only

-to hay, but his horses, and he hoped the President would urge the proper

-officer to consider his claim immediately. "Why, my dear sir," replied

-Uncle Abe, blandly, "I couldn't think of such a thing. If I considered

-individual cases, I should find work for twenty Presidents!" Bowie urged

-his needs persistently; Uncle Abe declined good-naturedly. "But," said

-the persevering sufferer, "couldn't you just give me a line to Colonel

-------- about it? just one line?" "Ha, ha, ha!" responded amiable Uncle

-Abe, shaking himself fervently, and crossing his legs the other way,

-"that reminds me of old Jack Chase out in Illinois." At this the crowd

-huddled forward to listen. "You have seen Jack--I knew him like a

-brother--used to be a lumberman on the Illinois, and he was steady

-and sober, and the best raftsman on the river. It was quite a trick

-twenty-five years ago to take the logs over the rapids, but he was

-skillful, with a raft, and always kept her straight in the channel.

-Finally a steamboat was put on, and Jack--he's dead now, poor

-fellow!--was made captain of her. He used to take the wheel going

-through the rapids. One day, when the boat was plunging and wallowing

-along the boiling current, and Jack's utmost vigilance was exercised to

-keep her in the narrow channel, a boy pulled his coat tail, and hailed

-him with, 'Sir, Mister Captain! I wish you'd just stop your boat a

-minute--I've lost my apple overboard!'"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe on the Whisky Question.

-

-A committee, just previous to the fall of Vicksburg, solicitous for the

-_morale_ of our armies, took it upon themselves to visit the President

-and urge the removal of General Grant. .

-

-"What for?" asked Uncle Abe.

-

-"Why," replied the busy-bodies, "he drinks too much whisky."

-

-"Ah!" rejoined Uncle Abe, "can you inform me gentlemen, where General

-Grant procures his whisky?"

-

-The committee confessed they could not.

-

-"Because," added Uncle Abe, with a merry twinkle in his eye, "If I can

-find out, I'll send a barrel of it to every General in the field!"

-

-The delegation retired in reasonable good order.

-

-

-

-

-Edwards vs. Lincoln.

-

-One day soon after Uncle Abe began the canvass with Judge Douglas

-for the United States Senate, Lincoln, an Editor, accosted Nivian W.

-Edwards, (Uncle Abe's brother-in-law,) as Mr. Lincoln himself.

-

-"Well," said Edwards, "I think I must be growing taller and uglier every

-day, for this is the sixth time I've been taken for Abe within a week."

-

-Notwithstanding Edwards was a Democrat and a joker, Uncle Abe made him a

-commissary in the army.

-

-

-

-

-Metalic Ring.

-

-The new practical postal currency have upon the face, a faint oval

-ring of bronze, encircling the vignette. Uncle Abe being asked its use,

-replied that it was a faint attempt on the part of Mr. Chase, to give

-the new currency a metalic ring.

-

-

-

-

-A Grateful Postmaster.

-

-Said a long legged hoosier, on receiving the appointment of Postmaster,

-in Sangamon County, "I tell you Uncle Abe, you're a hoss," "yes replied

-Uncle Abe, a _draft_ horse."

-

-

-

-

-A Serious Joke.

-

-Washington, February 18, 1864

-

-To Wm. Fishback

-

-When I fixed a _plan_ for an election in Arkansas I did it in ignorance

-that your convention was at the same work. Since I learned the latter

-fact I have been constantly trying to yield my _plan_ to theirs. I have

-sent two letters to General Steel, and three or four dispatches to you

-and others, saying that (General Steel,) must be master, but that it

-will probably be best for him to keep the convention on its own _plan_.

-Some single mind must be master, else there will be no agreement on

-any thing; and General Steel, commanding the military, and being on

-the ground, is the best man to be that master. Even now citizens are

-telegraphing me to postpone the election to a later day than either

-fixed by the Convention or me This discord must be silenced.

-

-A. LINCOLN.

-

-A young Massachusetts soldier, named Merrill, writes a Washington

-correspondent, had on ounce ball pass through his head during the battle

-of Fredericksburg. It entered near his right eye and was extracted

-behind his left ear. Another ball would have entered a vital part of his

-body had it not been arrested by a Testament, in which it lodged.

-When this safeguard was shown to Uncle Abe, he sent to the hospital a

-handsome pocket Bible, in which was written: "Charles V. Merrill, Co. A.

-19th Massachusetts, from A. Lincoln."

-

-"Major-General Grant,--Understanding that your lodgment at Chattanooga

-and Knoxville is now secure I wish to tender you, and all under your

-command, my more than thanks--my profoundest gratitude--for the skill,

-courage, and perseverence with which you and they, over so great

-difficulties, have effected that important object. God bless you all!

-

-"A. LINCOLN."

-

-

-

-

-Fix the Date.

-

-Uncle Abe, was conversing with some friends and remarked, "There's

-a good Time coming," a countryman stepped up to Uncle Abe, and said:

-"Mister, you could'nt fix to date, could yous?"

-

-

-

-

-Rival of Uncle Abe.

-

-Old Abe has got off many good things since he left Springfield, but the

-following equals anything which has proceeded from that veteran joker.

-

-"In the Georgia Legislature, Mr. Linton Stephens, brother of the rebel

-Vice President, introduced a resolution in the House of Representatives

-declaring that peace be officially offered to the enemy after every

-Confederate victory."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Estimate of the Senate.

-

-Uncle Abe, says that in the Senate, he "owns nine of the Senators and

-one-half of another."

-

-"Who owns the other half?" asked a gentleman to whom Uncle Abe was

-speaking. "Henry Wilson of Massachusetts," replied the Chief Magistrate,

-"Wilson is for me," says the President, "before breakfast; rather

-against me while his digestion is going on after it; loves me like pie

-during the hours which he spends visiting the various departments and

-asking for places and patronage; and bitterly my enemy from seven every

-evening until he goes to bed, drops asleep and commences snoring. Wilson

-is carrying water on both shoulders but I guess he'll get a wetting and

-soil his clothes before he gets through."

-

-

-

-

-"Thought he Must be Good for Something."

-

-An Illinois man who had known the "boy Mayor," John Hay, from boyhood,

-was expressing to Uncle Abe, after the massacre at Olustee, some regret

-that he should have supposed him capable of any military position.

-

-"About Hay," said Uncle Abe, "the fact was, I was pretty much like

-Jim Hawks, out in Illinois, who sold a dog to a hunting neighbor, as

-a first-rate coon dog. A few days after, the fellow brought him back,

-saying he 'wasn't worth a cuss for coons.' 'Well,' said Jim, I tried him

-for everything else, and he wasn't worth a d----n, and so I thought he

-_must_ be good for coons.'"

-

-

-

-

-Aptly Said.

-

-To a man who was condoling Uncle Abe on the disaster at Olustee, and

-suggesting how it might have been prevented, he said:

-

-"Your remarks are well intended, doubtless; but they do little less than

-aggravate a thing which I can't help thinking might have been helped.

-It reminds me of a story that I read when I was a boy. An old fellow who

-had clambered rather high into an apple tree, fell and broke his arm.

-A sympathizing and philosophic neighbor, seeing his mishap, went to his

-aid. 'Ah,' said he, 'if you had followed my plan you would have escaped

-this.' 'Indeed, what is your plan?' enquired the groaning man. 'Why,

-never to let go both hands, till you get one hold somewhere else.'"

-

-The would-be Brigadier saw the point, and left.

-

-"I see you've got to the sticking point at last," as the Democrat

-remarked to a slippery Republican, whose team had gone into the ground

-up to the hub.

-

-"They have gone up every Creek and Bayou where it was a little damp."

-

-"Linkums" Sold Cheap.

-

-Daring the Presidential contest of 1860, there was an Italian artist

-of plaster figures in Springfield, who supplied "leetel Linkums," as

-he called his figures, faster than ever Uncle Abe did. He succeeded in

-putting one of these Republican penates into every Republican house in

-town, but they finally became a "drug" in the market. However, he kept

-his "asking price" up; but his selling price was as various as his

-buyers, and hard to deal with.

-

-One day, with a load of these upon his head, he entered a jeweller's

-shop, and accosted the man behind the counter with-- *

-

-"You buys'em leetel Linkums?"

-

-"No--don't want'em."

-

-"Sells'em cheap," persisted the Italian.

-

-"Well, how do you sell to-day?"

-

-"Fifty cent piece."

-

-"I'll give you a dollar for the lot," said A------, expecting to pose

-the Italian.

-

-"You takes'em," greedily exclaimed the artist, and he left Mr. L. A.

-A------n with a lot of plaster on hand which he had hard work to give

-away.

-

-"There's an odor of nationality about those bills, said Secretary Chase,

-showing a lot of the firstlings of his greenbacks to Uncle Abe.

-

-"A very good figure of speech," replied Uncle Abe, "but you must not get

-too many under the public nostril, or your figure of speech will be an

-odor of fact."

-

-April 1, 1862, greenbacks, 100. April 1, 1864, greenbacks, 55.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe as a Pilot.

-

-The captain of one of the Mississippi river steamers one morning, while

-his boat was lying at her moorings at New Orleans, waiting for the tardy

-pilot, who, it appears, was a rather uncertain sort of fellow, saw a

-tall, gaunt Sucker make his appearance before the captain's office, and

-sing out--

-

-"Hello, cap'n! you don't want a pilot nor nothin' about this 'ere craft,

-do ye?"

-

-"How do you know I don't?" responded the captain.

-

-"Oh, you don't understand; I axed you s'posin' you did?"

-

-"Then, supposing I do, what of it?"

-

-"Well," said Uncle Abe, for it was he, "I reckon I know suthin' about

-that ere sort o' business, provided you wanted a feller of jest about my

-size."

-

-The captain gave him a scrutinising glance, and with an expression of

-countenance which seemed to say, "I should pity the steamer that you

-piloted," asked--

-

-"Are you acquainted with the river, and do you know where the snags

-are?"

-

-"Well, ye-as," responded Uncle Abe rather hesitatingly, "I'm pretty well

-acquainted with the river, but the snags, I don't know exactly so much

-about them."

-

-"Don't know about the snags?" exclaimed the captain, contemptuously,

-"don't know about the snags! You'd make a pretty pilot!"

-

-At this Uncle Abe's countenance assumed anything but an angelic

-expression, and with a darkened brow and a fiercely flashing eye, he

-drew himself up to his full height, and indignantly roared back in a

-voice of thunder:

-

-"What do I want to know where the snags are for, old sea-hoss? I know

-where they ain't, and there's where I do my sailing!"

-

-It is sufficient to know that Uncle Abe was promptly engaged, and that

-the captain takes pleasure in saying that he proved himself one of the

-best pilots on the river.

-

-(Wonder if Uncle Abe has forgotten how to sail in clear water? A. A.)

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Valentine.

-

-Uncle Abe on the 14th of last February, received a valentine in the

-shape of a picture of the American eagle, with a financial allusion. The

-bird of freedom appeared to be engaged in picking up gold coin, while

-at the end of the bird most remote from his head there was a pile of

-"green-backs," into which this coin seemed to have been mysteriously

-transmuted.

-

-Uncle Abe, who takes such things philosophically, and always

-acknowledges a palpable hit with grace and good natured cheerfulness,

-went to his Secretary of the Treasury, to exhibit his bird, in order

-that the latter might enjoy the joke with him. Mr. Chase, however, was

-not disposed to take the matter in the same spirit Uncle Abe did; but

-appeared to be much out of humor at this hieroglyphical attack upon his

-department of the government. In tones in which there was evidently a

-slight admixture of irritability, he remarked to Uncle Abe that he would

-like to know who had made this unwarrantable attack upon his financial

-management of the affairs of the nation--that he feared that some of his

-subordinates had got up this libel upon him, and that he would give

-a hundred dollars to know who had done it. Uncle Abe? whose

-question-asking proclivities are well known, said that the offer seemed

-liberal; "but, Mr. Chase," said he, "before I shall make up my mind on

-this subject, will you allow me to ask you one question?" "Certainly,"

-replied the Secretary. "I merely wanted to understand," said Uncle Abe,

-"at which end of the bird you propose to pay?"

-

-"'Et tu Brute?'" responded the head of the Treasury department. "If I am

-thus to be made the subject of ridicule, I must renew my application to

-be relieved from my duties as Secretary."

-

-"O, never mind! never mind! Mr. Secretary," said Uncle Abe, "we can

-soon remedy all these difficulties. All we have to do, after we have

-suppressed this rebellion, is to turn the bird end for end, and let

-the gold and 'greenbacks' remain just as they are and all will come

-out right." The Secretary, restored to good humor, agreed not to resign

-unless Seward did.

-

-"That reminds me of a little story."

-

-

-

-

-"My Mary Ann."

-

-Many months ago the post commander at Cairo was a certain West Point

-colonel of a Northwestern regiment, noted for his soldierly qualities

-and rigid discipline. One day he passed by the barracks and heard a

-group of soldiers singing the well-known street piece, "My Mary Ann."

-An angry shade crossed his brow, and he forthwith ordered the men to

-be placed in the guard-house, where they remained all night The next

-morning he visited them, when one ventured to ask the cause of their

-confinement.

-

-"Cause enough," said the rigid colonel; "you were singing a song in

-derision of Mrs. Colonel B------."

-

-The men replied by roars of laughter, and it was some time before the

-choler of the Colonel could be sufficiently subdued to understand that

-the song was an old one, and sung by half the school-boys in the land,

-or the risibles of the men be calmed down to learn that the colonel's

-wife rejoiced in the name of "Mary Ann."

-

-Uncle Abe made the Colonel a Brigadier the moment he heard this story.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Honor.

-

-At one time Uncle Abe aspired to a position on the bench, and Mrs.

-Lincoln, so as to be prepared for the event, practiced the habit of

-calling her husband "his Honor," or "your Honor," as the case might be.

-Uncle Abe never, however, succeeded to the dignity of the ermine; but

-attending Circuit at Chicago, and stopping at the -------- Hotel, Mrs.

-L. accompanied her husband, as was her custom. Uncle Abe had donned a

-bran new pair of boots, which were anything but comfortable, and almost

-as uncertain as a pair of skates to a learner on the keenest of ice.

-Mrs. Lincoln was enjoying herself in the parlor in a chit-chat with a

-number of other ladies, and putting on as many airs as her provincial

-position in Springfield would admit, when a strange, rumbling sound

-disturbed the pleasant company, who rushed out to learn what was the

-matter. Lo and behold! there was Uncle Abe in the undignified

-predicament of tumbling down stairs and bumping the end of his spine

-upon every step. The new boots, or the swig of forty-rod which he had

-taken in his bed-room, had proved traitor to him. Mrs. Lincoln was

-nearly non-plussed, but exclaimed in a consoling voice, "Is your Honor

-hurt?"

-

-"No," said Uncle Abe, sitting gracefully on the carpet, with legs spread

-out amidst the bevy of tittering damsels, and rubbing the seat of his

-trowsers, "No, my honor is not hurt but my--my--my head is!"

-

-

-

-

-"Smoke That."

-

-During the session of the Legislature of Illinois, in 1836-7, the

-Sangamon County delegation of nine members, became known as the "Long

-Nine," from the fact of their remarkable average height. In this

-delegation were Uncle Abe, Gen. Baker, (killed at Bull's Bluff,) N. W.

-Edwards, (brother-in-law of Uncle Abe, and now Captain commissary,) and

-some others of note in their day. A law had passed the previous session

-to remove the capital from Vandalia to Springfield, to be carried out

-as soon as a new capitol could be built. In the meantime, Gen. W. L. D.

-Ewing, an influential Egyptian member, made periodical efforts to repeal

-the law and keep the capital at Vandalia. During the session of 1837,

-we had a regular tilt with the "long nine," during which, whenever Uncle

-Abe or Gen. Baker made a point, Ewing would be saluted with the cry

-"smoke that!" in allusion to "long nines," a popular kind of cigars used

-at that day. This probably gave rise to saying, "put that in your pipe

-and smoke it."

-

-

-

-

-A Sufficient Reason.

-

-Some one recently asked Uncle Abe why he didn't promote merit? "Because

-merit never helped promote me," said our Uncle Abe.

-

-

-

-

-The Boy and the Bear.

-

-A committee of the enemies of Mr. Chase called on the President just

-after the Pomroy circular was sent forth and advised him to purify his

-cabinet and let Chase go. Old Abe replied that "it is not so easy a

-thing to let Chase go. I am situated very much as the boy was who held

-the bear by the hind legs. I will tell you how it was. There was a very

-vicious bear which, after being some time chased by a couple of boys,

-turned upon his pursuers. The boldest of the two ran up and caught the

-bear by the hind legs, while the other climbed up into a little tree,

-and complacently witnessed the conflict going on beneath, between the

-bear and his companion. The tussel was a sharp one, and the boy, after

-becoming quite exhausted, cried out in alarm, 'Bill, for God's sake

-come down and help me let this darned bear go!' Now, gentlemen," said

-Mr. Lincoln, "you see what a fix I am in--it may be dangerous to hold on

-to Chase, but it will require more assistance than I see at present, to

-help me let him go."

-

-

-

-

-Too Deep.

-

-During the Black Hawk war, when the valiant Illinoisians were in

-hasty retreat from what they thought certain scalping, and the roads

-exclusively bad, in fact, unfathomable mud.--In this predicament,

-the corps in which Uncle Abe was, became somewhat scattered, when the

-officer commanding, called out to the men to form _two deep_. "Blast

-me!" shouted Abe from a slough, in which he was nearly buried, "I am too

-deep already; I am up to the neck."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's First Speech.

-

-When Uncle Abe first made his appearance in the Illinois House of

-Representatives, and was desirous of delivering his sentiments on a

-certain measure, he rose and began:--"Mr. Speaker, _I conceive_----" but

-could go no further. Thrice he repeated unsuccessfully the same attempt;

-when Douglas, who had more confidence, and had been a year longer in the

-House, completely dumbfounded Abe by saying: "Mr. Speaker, The honorable

-gentleman has _conceived three times, and brought forth nothing._"

-

-

-

-

-Cute.

-

-One night Uncle Abe came wet and cold to a cross road tavern in Indiana,

-and found the fire more thoroughly blockaded with Hoosiers than mother

-Welles has been able to blockade the Southern Confederacy. Abe ordered

-the landlord to carry his horse a peck of catfish. "He can't eat

-catfish," said Boniface. "Try him," said Abe, "there's nothing like

-trying." The crowd all rushed after the landlord to see Abe's horse

-eat the peck of catfish. "He won't eat them, as I told you," said the

-landlord, on returning. "Then," coolly responded Uncle Abe, who had

-squatted on the best seat, "bring them to me and I'll eat them myself."

-

-

-

-

-Abe's Spelling.

-

-Being asked by a client in Springfield why he spelled so badly in his

-law papers, Uncle Abe replied, "Because, the Suckers are so cussed mean

-they won't pay for good spelling."

-

-

-

-

-A Soldier's Theory of the War.

-

-The soldiers at Helena, in Arkansas, used to amuse the inhabitants of

-that place, on their first arrival, by telling them yarns, of which the

-following is a sample:

-

-"Some time ago Jeff. Davis got tired of the war and invited President

-Lincoln to meet him on neutral ground to discuss terms of peace. They

-met accordingly, and after a talk, concluded to settle the war by

-dividing the territory and stopping the fighting. The North took the

-Northern States, and the South the Gulf and seaboard Southern States.

-Lincoln took Texas and Missouri, and Davis Kentucky and Tennessee; so

-that all were parcelled off excepting Arkansas. Lincoln did'nt want

-it--Jeff, would'nt have it. Neither would consent to take it, and on

-that they split; and the war has been going on ever since."

-

-

-

-

-Nigger Mathematics.

-

-Uncle Abe was lately visited by one of the "On to Richmond" sword of

-Gideon gentry, who confidently expressed the hope, so common among the

-Abolition noodles, that Lee's army would be "bagged." Uncle Abe grinned

-to the utmost of his classic mouth, and remarked that he was afraid

-there would be too much "nigger mathematics" in it. The visitor smiled

-at the allusion, as he felt bound in politeness to do supposing there

-must be something in it, though he could not see the point. "But I

-suppose you don't know what 'nigger mathematics' is," continued Uncle

-Abe. "Lay down your hat a minute, and I'll tell you." He, himself,

-resumed the sitting posture leaned back in his chair, elevated his heels

-on the table, and went on with his story. "There was a darkey in my

-neighborhood, called Pompey, who, from a certain quickness in figuring

-up the prices of chickens and vegetables, got the reputation of being a

-mathematical genius. Johnson, a darkey preacher, heard of Pompey, and

-called to see him. 'Here ye're a great mat'm'tishum, Pompey.' 'Yes sar,

-you jas try.' 'Well Pompey, Ize compound a problem in mat'matics.' 'All

-right, sar.' 'Now, Pompey, spose dere am tree pigeons sittin' on a rail

-fence, and you fire a gun at'em and shoot one, how many's left?' 'Two,

-ob cooors,' replies Pompey after a little wool scratching. 'Ya-ya-ya,'

-laughs Mr. Johnson; 'I knowed you was a fool, Pompey; dere's _none_

-left--one's dead, and d'udder two's flown away.' "That's what makes me

-say," continued Uncle Abe, "that I am afraid there was too much nigger

-mathematics in the Pennsylvania campaign." And the result showed that in

-this instance, at least, the anecdote suited the fact. Lee's army was

-then three pigeons. One of them was taken down at Gettysburg, but the

-other two flew off over the Potomac.

-

-

-

-

-Long and Short of it.

-

-"Here I am, and here is Mrs. Lincoln, and that's the long and short

-of it."--_Speech of Mr. Lincoln from the balcony of the White House at

-Washington_.

-

-

-

-

-A Handy Faculty.

-

-Whilst Uncle Abe was passing, in his flat-boat, a small town on the

-Wabash, an old chum accosted him from shore thus:--

-

-"Uncle Abe, are you asleep?"

-

-"Why?"

-

-"Because, I want to borrow some whiskey."

-

-"Then" said Abe, "_I am asleep._"

-

-And he rolled over drowsily on the flat-boat, and it passed on.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe on Time.

-

-A Methodist dominie was lecturing Abe on his love of gambling. "Ah

-Abraham, it is a grievous sin--in the first place, consider the loss of

-time."

-

-"Yes," replied Uncle Abe, "I have often begrudged the loss of time--in

-_shuffling and dealing_."

-

-

-

-

-A Story that had no Reminder.

-

-During a conversation which took place between Uncle Abe and a

-distinguished western senator, the recent legislative nominations for

-the next presidency were incidentally referred to. "Yes," said Uncle

-Abe, nursing his leg with evident gratification--"yes senator, the

-current seems to be setting all one way!"

-

-"It does, really, seem to be setting all one way," was the answer of

-the senator; "but, Mr. Lincoln, as you have told me several good stories

-since I have been here, permit me if you please, to tell _you_ one.

-It has always been observed that the Atlantic Ocean, at the Straits

-of Gibraltar, constantly pours into the Mediterranean with tremendous

-volume. The Bosphorus empties into it, at its other end, and rivers are

-seen contributing to its waters all along its coast. It was for many

-years the constant puzzle of geographers, why the Mediterranean, under

-all these accessions, never got full, and overran its banks. After a

-while, however, a curious fellow took the notion of dropping a plummet

-in the center of the Straits, when, lo! he discovered that, though the

-tremendous body of water on the surface was rushing inward from the

-ocean, a still more powerful body was passing outward, in a counter

-current, some twenty feet below!"

-

-"Oh, ah!" said Uncle Abe, seriously, evidently nonplussed, for the first

-time in his life; "that _does not_ remind me of any story I ever heard

-before!"

-

-

-

-

-Has it "Gin Out?"

-

-We do not know what joke Uncle Abe made when he heard the news of the

-surrender of Plymouth. In regard to the Fort Pillow affair he made

-a Bunsby speech, but no joke. His last joke, of which we have any

-knowledge, occurred when Secretary Chase was starting on his trip to

-New York. Uncle Abe is like Cromwell without his military genius, and is

-very fond of playing practical jokes on his associates. It is said that

-after Cromwell had signed the warrant for the execution of King Charles

-he turned round to one of his colleagues and smeared his face with the

-ink. This he thought capital fun. Uncle Abe's jokes are of about the

-same quality. When Chase called upon him to say good bye, the Secretary

-of the Treasury asked for some information about the probable end of

-the war, saying it would help him greatly in getting more money in Wall

-street. "Do you want more money?" asked Lincoln, and then quickly added,

-"What! has the printing machine gin out?" This joke is fully equal to

-Cromwell's.

-

-

-

-

-A Major

-

-At one of Uncle Abe's levees recently, among the Company was a

-Pennsylvania Avenue tailor whom Abe recognized but could not name. "My

-dear Sir} I remember your face, but I forget your name," said Uncle Abe.

-The knight of the needle whispered confidentially into Uncle Abe's ear.

-"I made your breeches." Uncle Abe took him most affectionately by the

-hand and exclaimed enthusiastically "Major Breeches, I am happy to meet

-you at the White House!"

-

-

-

-

-A Dry Drop.

-

-A refugee from Richmond was telling Uncle Abe of the sad state of

-affairs reigning there. Among other things he said liquor was so scarce

-that the rebel President himself could scarcely get a drop to drink.

-

-"He ought not to have a drop _to drink_ in this world or the next," said

-Uncle Abe.

-

-"You are rather severe," replied the refugee.

-

-"Well," said Uncle Abe, "if you think a drop would do him good, let it

-be a drop from the scaffold."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe as a Physiognomist.

-

-While the western governors were in conversation the other day, one of

-them asked him if he remembered a certain Major of the ------ Illinois

-regiment.

-

-Uncle Abe replied that "he could'nt say that he did." The gentleman

-who addressed him then tried to jog the executive memory a little by

-mentioning a circumstance or two connected with the Major's history.

-Finally Uncle Abe remembered him very well--which fact he stated in

-the following graphic language: "O yes, I know who you mean. _It's that

-turkey egg faced fellow that you'd think did'nt know as much as a last

-year's bird's nest_." This was the very individual referred to. It will

-be seen that Uncle Abe has other fortes than statesmanship--and that of

-a physiognoist is one of them.

-

-

-

-

-The Concrete vs. the Abstract.

-

-Dick Yates, the jolly Governor of the Suckers, tells that he called

-on Uncle Abe one morning when he was trying to get the 88,000

-"Hundredazers" accepted, and that during their interview Uncle Abe

-remarked: "Yates, I'll tell you the difference between the concrete and

-the abstract. When the Senate passed a resolution requesting me not to

-appoint any more Brigadiers, as the vacancies were all full, that's the

-concrete. But when a Senator comes up here with a long petition and a

-longer face, requesting me to make a brigadier out of some scallawag of

-a friend of his, as it happens every day--I call that the abstract."

-

-

-

-

-Symptoms of Civilization.

-

-Uncle Abe and his chums were wrecked and swamped once on a trip to

-New Orleans, and having waded ashore, were in search of shelter and

-refreshment, without much prospect of success, in a thickly timbered

-bottom. They had traveled through the forest a long distance, and were

-in despair of finding any human habitation, when they discovered a negro

-hanging on the projecting limb of a tree. "The joy," said Abe, when

-telling the adventure, "which this cheering view excited, cannot be

-described, for it convinced us that we were in a _civilized country._"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe goes into Partnership.

-

-In the days when Uncle Abe plied the flat-boat business on the Wabash

-and Sangamon, he made it a practice to troll for catfish and dispose

-of them to the planters in Mississippi, when passing their plantations.

-This brought him quite a revenue, which was always expended for "forty

-rod" whisky, or the fish were traded off direct for that fluid chain

-lightning. Once while passing the plantation of Mr. Percy, he was bound

-to have some forty rod, and went ashore with a fine lot of fish. A large

-party were assembled at the mansion of the aristocratic Percy; when

-Julius Cæsar informed him that Uncle Abe was below with some very fine

-fish. "Well," said Percy, "give him his forty rod as usual, and let him

-go."

-

-"But sah, he won't take it dis time," said the darkey, "he wants a

-hundred lashes on the bare back, well laid on massa." Uncle Abe insisted

-to the surprise of every one on this strange price for his fish, and Mr.

-Percy to humor him, complied, directing the overseer to cut him gently.

-When Uncle Abe had received the fiftieth lash, he cried, "Hold! I have

-got a partner in this business, to whom I have engaged to give half of

-whatever I should get for the fish--this overseer would not admit me

-only on that condition." O course the overseer had his share well paid,

-and Abe got his forty-rod as usual, with something added.

-

-

-

-

-Abe Passing Counterfeit Money.

-

-

-One day a poor woman ran into Uncle Abe's law office in great fright

-exclaiming:--

-

-"Oh, Mr. Lincoln, my boy has swallowed a penny!"

-

-"Was it a counterfeit," coolly asked Mr. Lincoln.

-

-"No, certainly not," replied the woman, somewhat indignantly.

-

-"Oh! well, then _it will pass_, of course," said Uncle Abe.

-

-It is hardly necessary to add that the anxious mother went home

-comforted and that the boy who "swallowed the penny," at the last

-Presidentia-election voted for "Honest Old Abe."

-

-

-

-

-The Wrong Man Poulticed.

-

-At the famous watering place, of the Blue Lick Springs, Uncle Abe

-was severely afflicted with a pain in the stomach, which neither gin

-cock-tails nor other cordials could remove. It was night and he was in

-bed. His loving wife, unwilling to awake the domestics, descended to

-the kitchen, and prepared mustard poultice, which she spread on her own

-handkerchief, and proceeded with it to the distressed Uncle Abe. Before

-leaving him, she left a light dimly burning in the apartment; but deeply

-impressed with anxiety, she was not as careful as she might have been in

-noting the number of her room.

-

-Guided by a light which she saw shining in a chamber, and which she

-supposed was the one she had left, she entered, and gently raising the

-bed clothes, &c., laid the warm poultice upon a stomach but not the

-stomach of Uncle Abe.

-

-"Hello there! What the -------- are you about?" shouted a voice of

-thunder, and the body and sleeves? whence it issued, sprang out of bed.

-

-The lady screamed and ran; Uncle Abe rushed to the rescue from the next

-room, the waiters joined and a small scene ensued, much to the amusement

-of all concerned. The poulticed gentleman had indiscreetly left a light

-in his room, and this lured the lady from her path.

-

-Uncle Abe was so amused and excited by the mistake that he quite forgot

-his pains; but early the next morning, with his wife and trunks,

-left for Springfield, 111. The poulticed man still retains the

-handkerchief--a beautiful cambric--with the lady's name on it, the

-initials of Frances Amelia E. Todd.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe as School Superintendent.

-

-When Uncle Abe kept grocery on the Sangamon he was elected as School

-Superintendent out of his district. It was his duty to examine the

-applicant teachers on mathematics; which he once did in this wise in his

-grocery store. "If two pigs weigh twenty pounds how much will a large

-hog weigh."

-

-"Jump into the scales," said the weilder of the birch, "and I'll soon tell

-you."

-

-Abe did not examine him further in mathematics.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Nose.

-

-Uncle Abe being asked once why he walked so crookedly? said, "Oh my

-nose, you see, is crooked, and I have to follow it!"

-

-

-

-

-Take Away the Fowls.

-

-After Uncle Abe had studied law some time and whilst travelling in the

-Prairie country in Knox County, Illinois, he stopped at the house of

-Mrs. Galt, an old Scotch lady whose husband was largely engaged in wool

-growing. Abe at this time was beginning to be proud of his learning,

-especially of his pronunciation of English. Mrs. Galt when dinner was

-over desired the servant in waiting to take away the fowls, which she,

-(as is sometimes done in Scotland), pronounced _fools_, "I presume,

-madam, you mean fowls" said Abe rather sententiously. "Very well, be it

-so," said Mrs. Galt; "take away the _fowls_, but let the _fool_ remain!"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Well Fed.

-

-Old Whitey, Abe's school master, said to him angrily one day, "Abraham

-you are better fed than taught!"

-

-"Should think I was," said Abe, "as I feed myself and you teach me!"

-

-Uncle Abe says there is a good deal of the devil in the Rebels. They

-sometimes fight like him, frequently run like him, and always lie like

-him.

-

-

-

-

-A Man of Means.

-

-Uncle Abe was asked by a client whether his neighbor Brown was "a man of

-means."

-

-"Well I reckon he ought to be," said Abe, "for he is just the meanest

-man in Springfield."

-

-

-

-

-Call Again.

-

-When Uncle Abe was taken sick recently, and Mrs Lincoln had sent for

-the doctor; Uncle Abe, having an aversion to physic, said, he had better

-call another time, as he was too sick then to joke with him.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Swapped when a Baby.

-

-Abe when asked whether he could account for his excessive homeliness

-said "when I was two months old I was the handsomest child in Kentuck,

-but my nigger nurse swapped me off for another boy just to please

-a friend who was going down the river whose child was rather plain

-looking."

-

-

-

-

-Hit at Antietam.

-

-Another story of Uncle Abe, too good to be lost, has leaked out. It

-seems he had accompanied a young lady to one of the hospitals in

-the capitol where the sympathizing creature, as in duty bound became

-interested in a wounded soldier. To all her inquiries as to the location

-of the wound, however, she could only get one reply, thus: "My good

-fellow where were you hit!"

-

-"At Antietam."

-

-"Yes, but where did the bullet strike you?"

-

-"At Antietam."

-

-"But where did it hit you!"

-

-"At Antietam." Becoming discouraged, she deputized Uncle Abe to

-prosecute the inquiry, which he did successfully Upon his rejoining her,

-she was more curious than, ever, when the President, taking both her

-hands in his said in his most impressive style. "My dear girl, the ball

-that hit _him_, would not have injured _you_."

-

-

-

-

-A Poor Crop.

-

-An old acquaintance of Uncle Abe's called upon him a short time since

-with the view to getting hold of a contract. Uncle Abe told him that

-contracts were not what they were in Cameron's time. "In fact," said he,

-"they remind me now of a piece of meadow land on the Sangamon bottoms

-during a drouth."

-

-"How was that?" said the Sucker--"Why," said Abe, looking rather

-quizical, "the grass was so short that they had to lather before they

-could mow it."

-

-

-

-

-Handy in Case of Emergencies.

-

-During the fall of 1863, Uncle Abe was riding on the Virginia side of

-the Potomac, between Arlington Heights and Alexandria, accompanied by

-Dr. N-------- of New Jersey. Passing the huge earth-work fortifications,

-the Doctor observed: "Mr. President, I have never yet been enabled to

-discover the utility of constructing and maintaining those forts. What

-is your opinion about them?"

-

-"Well doctor," replied Uncle Abe, "you are a medical man! and I will ask

-you a question in the line of your profession. Can you tell me the use

-of a man's nipples?"

-

-"No I can't" said the doctor "Well I can tell you," said Uncle

-Abe,--"They would be mighty handy if he happened to have a child."

-

-

-

-

-Value of a Reputation.

-

-A client of Uncle Abe's was tried for stealing, in Springfield,

-Illinois, when it was satisfactorily proven that he had acknowledged the

-theft to several persons. Uncle Abe argued in behalf of his client that

-he was such an abominable liar that no one could believe him and the

-jury ought not to. The judge charged against the prisoner, but to his

-astonishment the jury brought in a verdict that the accused was entirely

-unworthy of belief; and he was therefore acquitted.

-

-

-

-

-Didn't Like the Name.

-

-A young U. S. Officer being indicted at Chicago, for an assault on

-an aged gentleman, Uncle Abe began to open the case thus: "this is an

-indictment against a soldier for assaulting an old man."

-

-"Sir," indignantly interrupted the defendant, "I am no soldier, I am an

-officer!"

-

-"I beg your pardon," said Abe, grinning blandly; "then, gentlemen of the

-jury, this is an indictment against _an officer_, who is _no soldier_,

-for assaulting an old man."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Good Bye.

-

-When Uncle Abe joined the Sangamon Militia and entered on the Black Hawk

-war campaign, his Colonel was a small snipe of a fellow about four feet

-three inches. Physically, of course, Uncle Abe looked down upon his

-Colonel. Abe had rather a slouching look and gait at that time, and

-attracted by his awkward appearance, the dapper little Colonel thus

-saluted the future Executive and manufacturer of both Colonels and

-Brigadiers. "Come, Uncle Abe, hold up your head; higher, fellow!"

-

-"Yes sir."

-

-"Higher, fellow--higher." Abe stretched his lank neck to its greatest

-altitudinous tension and said, "What--so, Sir?"

-

-"Yes, fellow, a little higher."

-

-"And am I always to remain so?"

-

-"Yes, fellow, certainly!"

-

-"Then," said Uncle Abe, with a woeful countenance, "good bye, Colonel,

-for I shall never see _you again!_"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Last.

-

-Yesterday a Western correspondent, in search for something definite in

-relation to the fighting now going on, stepped into the White House and

-asked the President if he had anything authentic from Gen. Grant.

-The President stated that he had not, as Grant, was like the man that

-climbed the pole and then pulled the pole up after him.-- _Washington

-Union, May 16_.

-

-

-*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 45386 ***

+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 45386 ***
+
+LINCOLNIANA
+
+OR THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE
+
+By ANDREW ADDERUP
+
+1864
+
+[Illustration: 0001]
+
+[Illustration: 0003]
+
+[Illustration: 0005]
+
+
+Preface
+
+Is Joe Miller "complete?" I doubt it, maugre the pretenses of
+title-pages. An old joke is sometimes like a piece of painted glass in
+a kaleidoscope--every turn gives it a new aspect, and the new view is
+sometimes taken for the original phase. Perhaps this is true of some
+herein, although I am unconscious of that being so. If the accusation be
+made, try Uncle Abe first, for he is used to trials. As for me, I shall
+plead my privilege of telling you "the tale as it was told to me." But
+if these "little jokes" be not "sworn upon" for Miller, they shall stand
+for Uncle Abe--the writer hereof claiming only a godfathership. And
+others shall follow as fast as I glean them. To aid this purpose, let
+everybody who has a "good thing" send it to the publisher of this, and
+duly it will appear in the "complete" edition of Uncle Abe's jokes,
+always excepting the last, for the act of dying over will remind him of
+some little story with a _hic jacet_ moral.
+
+ANDREW ADDERUP.
+
+Springfield, Ill., April 1, 1864.
+
+
+
+
+LINCOLNIANA; OR, THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE,
+
+
+
+An Involuntary Black Republican.
+
+Sometime after Mr. Lincoln's well remembered passage of the rebel
+Rubicon at Baltimore, some radical Republicans, who thought they saw
+some signs of the President's backwardness in vindicating the Chicago
+platform, went in committee to the White House to beg him to carry out
+his principles--or rather to stretch them in Queen Dido's style.
+
+"I don't know about it, gentlemen," replied Uncle Abe; "with a pretty
+strong opposition at home and a rebellion at the South, we'd best push
+republicanism rather slow. Fact is, I'm worse off than old blind Jack
+Loudermill was when he got married on a short courtship. Some one asked
+him a few days after, how he liked his new position. 'Dunno,' said he;
+'I went it blind to start with, and ain't had a chance to feel my way to
+a conclusion yet.' So it is with me. Perhaps you can see further than I
+can, to me the future is dark and lowering; and we have now got to feel
+every step of our way forward. Making Republicans used to be hard work,
+and I don't see as I could do much at it now, unless I proselyte by
+giving fat offices to weak-kneed opponents; but that," continued
+Uncle Abe, with a sly look toward several of his old Illinois friends,
+"would'nt be quite fair to those who believe that 'to the victors belong
+the spoils.' Your idea about pushing things reminds me of the first
+_black_ Republican I ever made."
+
+And the President threw his left leg over his right and subsided into
+that air of _abandon_ which denotes his pregnancy of a good story.
+
+"You see, gentlemen," he began, "in my boyhood days, I had a slim chance
+for schooling, and did'nt improve what I did have. Occasionally a Yankee
+would wander into Kentuck, and open a school in the log building that
+was a church and school house as well, and keep it till he got starved
+out or heard of a better location. One Fall a bald headed, sour-visaged
+old man came along and opened the school, and my people concluded I must
+go; as usual the big boys soon began to test the master, who, though he
+was a patient Jeffersonian Republican, seemed very tyrannical to us. My
+good nature singled me out soon, as the scapegoat of the school, and I
+got more than my share of the birch: at least, my back was as good as an
+almanac, for every day of the week was recorded there. But, though this
+record of past time was no pastime to me, I could stand it better than I
+could the taunts and jibes of the boys out of school.
+
+"One morning when a half dozen of us were warming before the broad
+logwood fire, I noted a big fellow (who had got me flogged the day
+before) standing on the side opposite, his back to the blaze: both hands
+were partially open, one laid in the other; some would lay it to the
+devil, but it was only the spirit of revenge which prompted me to pick
+up a live coal, covered with ashes, and drop it into his hands. For a
+moment he did'nt mind it, but it burned all the deeper; when it did burn
+he jumped and bellowed like a stuck calf.
+
+"'Who made that noise?' Demanded old Whitey? the master.
+
+"'I made it,' replied the big fellow, rubbing his hands.
+
+"'Why?' more angrily demanded old Whitey.
+
+"'Some one put a coal of fire in my hand and burnt me,' sniffled the
+booby.
+
+"The big fellow, however, didn't know who did it. Some of the boys, who
+had a lurking pity for me, said it snapt into his hand; but the master
+'couldn't see it;' and at last it leaked out that 'Abe Lincoln done it.'
+
+"So you see, gentlemen," said Uncle Abe, moralizing, "I got the blame of
+a long score of supposititious shortcomings by one act of my own, pretty
+much as I had to bear the sins of my whole party in the late canvass,
+because of a few sins of my own."
+
+"'Abraham, come up here!' thundered the master, (By the way, gentlemen,
+my people always called me Abe--my wife still calls me plain Abe--but
+that old fellow called me _Abraham_ so often and so severely that I
+early dropped all claim to a definite appellative, and chose to be
+indefinitely 'A. Lincoln.') * But to go on. I got a deserved threshing
+that time, and a reputation withal for wickedness that saved all the
+little rogues in school. At last, however, I determined to be even with
+old Whitey, somehow.
+
+"It wasn't long till I worked out an idea. Just over the master's desk
+was a rude shelf, upon which he kept some books and a big-bellied bottle
+of ink, which some admirer of his Jeffersonian-Republican principles had
+presented him. I had observed that in stepping upon his desk platform,
+he never touched or moved his chair, beyond leaning back in it, which
+he always did, after taking his seat. So next day I robbed our old
+long-tailed white horse of a few hairs and braided them in a three
+stranded cord. While the master was gone out to his dinner, I put the
+thin glass ink bottle upon the edge of the shelf propped a-cant, and
+tied one end of the cord to the bottle, and the other end to the back
+of his chair. The boys sympathized with me, and were in an extacy of
+delight. Anon the master came. Without looking to the right or left, he
+marched sternly to the chair, and hence saw not the repressed titter of
+expectation that was ready to burst over the whole room. I stood just
+outside of the door expecting the result; he sat down and then leaned
+back. Down came the bottle, deluging the bald head in a shower
+of Stygian blackness! Yes, gentlemen, I fancy that was the first
+_black_ Republican ever made in Kentuck, but the conversion was too
+sudden."
+
+"How was that?" queried Cassius M. Clay.
+
+"Why," replied Uncle Abe, "he afterwards married a widow and----twelve
+negroes."
+
+     * When Mr. Lincoln was nominated, very many papers ran up
+     the name of "Abram Lincoln."
+
+
+
+
+The Wrong Pig by the Ear.
+
+I never knew a flash phrase worse used up than was one by Uncle Abe
+attending one of the neighboring Circuit Courts above Springfield. He
+was employed to aid a young County Attorney to prosecute some reputed
+hog thieves. The crime of hog stealing had become so common that the
+people were considerably excited and an example was determined on. The
+first person tried was acquitted on a pretty clear _alibi_ or pretty
+hard swearing. As the fellow thus acquitted was lounging round the Court
+House, Uncle Abe was passing, and he hailed him.
+
+"Well Mr. Lincoln, I reckon you got the wrong sow by the ear when you
+undertook to pen me up."
+
+"So it seems," replied Uncle Abe, blandly, "but really you must excuse
+me, pigs are so very much alike! In fact, people up here don't all seem
+to know their own."
+
+
+
+
+"Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln Live."
+
+In "Clay times," as the old farmers of Sangamon still recall the period
+of Henry Clay's powerful canvass for the Presidency, Uncle Abe had a
+wide circuit practice. In travelling to the various courts, he generally
+drove a horse and vehicle that some people will still remember. The
+horse had belonged to an undertaker, and the "funeral business,"
+together with years, had made him a grave and staid animal. His
+_physique_ presented those angularities that characterized his master,
+but unlike his owner, he was never known to perpetrate a joke or indulge
+in a "horselaugh." The vehicle was neither buggy, nor Jersey wagon,
+but had become, by virtue of alterations and repairs, what Uncle Abe
+afterwards described the Union under the plan of free and Slave States
+"neither one thing or the other." There was in fact an "eternal
+fitness" in horse and man that was not exactly a "standing joke," but a
+peripatetic one.
+
+I would give all my expectation of a brigadiership for a portrait of
+Uncle Abe seated in this strange "turnout," as he "might have been seen"
+wending his meditative way across the prairies.
+
+About this time Uncle Abe was nominated for Congress in the Sangamon.
+Yet he did not forego his business, but prosecuted his legal course, as
+well as all evil-doers who chanced to fall into his hands. He had
+just started on a circuit trip, to be gone a month. Often, since Mr.
+Lincoln's nomination for Congress, had Mrs. Lincoln begged him to add
+a second story to their humble dwelling, but he pleaded poverty. But a
+relation of Mrs. Lincoln's having died in Kentucky leaving her a
+small legacy, she determined her husband should have a house worthy a
+candidate for Congress. Doubtless she felt an inward satisfaction at the
+thought of furnishing a good surprise for her husband on his return. So
+she at once bought material, set mechanics at work, and in three weeks
+metamorphosed the dwelling into what political pilgrims to Springfield
+in 1860 will remember as a neat, two-story, clay-colored residence.
+
+Uncle Abe arrived home just after dark, and drove up to what he thought
+to be Eighth street, but not seeing his house, and thinking he had made
+a mistake, he drove round on to the next street. Recognizing the houses
+there; he again drove around to Eighth, and, passing his own house,
+recognized that occupied by W------n, a clever tailor, who was standing
+at his own gate.
+
+"Why, is that you, Wilkie?" (said Uncle Abe patronizingly.) W------n,
+assured him of his own identity, "Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln
+live now."
+
+"Well," said W------n, "The Loco's say he's so sure of his election that
+he's gone to Washington to select his seat; but Mrs. Lincoln lives now
+in that beautiful new two-story house you have just passed." Uncle Abe
+indulged in a quaint laugh, and then turned his ancient horse around,
+alighted and asked if Mrs. Lincoln lived in the house before which he
+stood. Mrs. Lincoln received him as a fond woman should receive her
+lord, and the return was the cause of much pleasant badinage in social
+circles.
+
+
+
+
+Too Literal Obedience.
+
+Gen. McClellan was complaining to Uncle Abe of one of his division
+commanders, who had literally obeyed an order publicly given for the
+purpose of hood-winking the rebels through the aid of the numerous
+undetected spies known to lurk in the camp as well as the capital.
+
+"That reminds me of a little story--a little thing that happened to me
+when I was out in the Black Hawk war," said Uncle Abe.
+
+"You see, after we brought the Foxes to terms, they were as sweet as
+wild honey. The women especially tried to make a good thing out of the
+defeat of their braves, by selling us moccasins, deerskin breeches, &c.
+One squaw in particular, made beautiful breeches, and I concluded to
+have a pair made. How she was to fit my spindles, puzzled me at first,
+as the Indians are no tailors in any _measurable_ degree. At last I
+bethought me of an old pair which I had in my saddle bag, and these I
+gave to her that she might rip them open and use the parts for patterns.
+When she brought the new ones home, I was not a little angry to find
+that she had exactly imitated the old patch on the nether parts of the
+new breeches."
+
+Little Mac smiled in his peculiar grave way, and remarked that when he
+gave an order for a similar purpose, he would tell this story by way of
+a hint.
+
+
+
+
+How Uncle Abe Felt.
+
+Soon after Uncle Abe's defeat by Judge Douglas in 1848, (whereby Douglas
+unwittingly made a President) some one asked Uncle Abe how he felt over
+the result.
+
+"Well," said he, "I feel a good deal like a big boy I knew in Kentuck.
+After he'd got a terrible pounding by the school master, someone asked
+him how he felt? 'Oh! said he, it hurt so awful bad, I couldn't laugh,
+and I was too big to cry over it.' That's just my case."
+
+It is presumed the questioner got an idea how a defeated politician
+feels.
+
+
+
+
+P.P.P.
+
+Soon after the advent of Uncle Abe at the White House, the pressure of
+aspirants for official positions was perfectly crushing.
+
+In fact, Uncle Abe sometimes got so flustered by their bedevilment, that
+he not only failed to recollect an illustrating anecdote, but soon lost
+his temper.
+
+One of the Illinois applicants--a fellow named Jeff.
+
+D------r, was particularly a bore, seeming to think it part of the
+Chicago platform to give every village politician an office.
+
+"Seems to me, Jeff," said Uncle Abe, "you got the Chicago platform
+reduced to enormous brevity--in fact, just three p's would seem to
+express your idea of it."
+
+"How's that, Mr. Lincoln?" inquired-Jeff.
+
+"Why, it looks to me as if it was patriotism, place and plunder, and a
+mighty important plea is the last one, I reckon."
+
+Jeff was silent for a while, but bored on until he "struck ile" in the
+shape-of a clerkship.
+
+
+
+
+Rattaned for a Rat Joke.
+
+Just after the retreat of the rebels from Bull Run, when it leaked
+out that our troops had been held at bay by wooden or Quaker guns, a
+Pennsylvanian Congressman remarked to Uncle Abe--"Well, Mr. Lincoln, you
+see that Quaker principles even embodied in wood may be of some service
+in war."
+
+"Yes, but as you see in that shape, they are only substituted
+principles; such things may do once, but found out, they will avail
+worse than nothing. Your remark, however, 'reminds me of a little
+story.'
+
+"When I was a youngster of fifteen or so, I went to an 'Academy' for a
+few weeks, just to brush up my old-field school learning. Such schools
+are called Academies in the East, to distinguish their intermediate
+position between colleges and common schools; but in Kentuck and
+the West, generally the high sounding title merely meant that the
+'principal' taught a few branches ahead of the old-field schools. Well,
+the rats were thick about the old building where we daily gathered
+to reap the fruit of knowledge; and as many of the boys brought their
+dinners and threw the fragments under their old-fashioned box desks,
+they soon grew as bold as they were thick. The teacher had a mortal
+antipathy to rats, and as I didn't 'take' to the teacher, I naturally
+encouraged the rats. Whenever one showed himself, he was sure to get a
+whack from the old teacher's rattan. Sometimes he missed his aim at the
+rats, but never at us boys, which was owing, perhaps, to the difference
+in the size of the game.
+
+"An industrious rat had made a hole from beneath the floor up under my
+desk, and thence out through the end, and as I fed him well he was quite
+tame. Often during school hours he would come up and peer out into the
+aisles through his hole in the end of the desk, and whenever he was seen
+by the teacher, he was sure to see the rattan whirling in the air. An
+idea struck me one day. I got a dead rat--I did not like to kill my
+pet--and stuffing it, made quite a good-looking 'Quaker' rat. Then I
+fixed some springs so I could work my rat out and in at pleasure; so
+whenever the teacher was looking up, my rat was always out; but when
+the whack came down, he was in betimes. At last he seemed to think it
+wondrous tame, and the ill-suppressed titter of the school boys finally
+made him suspicious. The boys had been let into my secret, and relished
+it hugely, and I was too prone to give a few exhibitions. At last the
+teacher watched me sharper than he did the rat, and then caught me in
+the act. He got hold of the rat and beat me alternately with rat and
+switch, and you may well guess, I was well rattaned. If soldiers who use
+wooden guns ever get worse usage, I pity them."
+
+The 300 Pounder Parrot since used by the Government, shows Uncle Abe's
+poor appreciation of Quaker guns and Quaker principles.
+
+
+
+
+The State House Struck by Whiggery.
+
+Soon after the State House at Springfield was erected, in 1840, Mr.
+Lincoln stood on the east side of the Capitol Square one day, in
+conversation with a Democratic friend, who was loth to believe that the
+Whigs could carry the State for "Tip and Ty."
+
+"Nothing is more morally certain," said Uncle Abe. "All the signs of
+the times point to it, and--why even the State House is struck with
+Whiggery" he said, pointing up under the eves, where is yet seen a
+remarkable representation of a "coon" in the stone.
+
+
+
+
+Graphic and True.
+
+When Hon. Emerson Etheridge escaped from Tennessee during the summer
+of 1862, his opinions on Tennessee affairs were eagerly listened to in
+Washington. Among other questions, Uncle Abe asked:
+
+"Do the Methodist clergy in your State take to secession?"
+
+"Take? Why, sir, they take to it like a duck to water, or a sailor to a
+duff kid."
+
+
+
+
+A Judge of the Post Office.
+
+Judge David Davis of Bloomington, Illinois, who was recently appointed
+(by Uncle Abe) to a position on the bench of the Supreme Court of
+the United States, is known to many of his friends as one of the best
+hearted men in the world. His, is withal, full of the piety of good
+humor. I call it "piety," because I think a smiling face is a perpetual
+thanksgiving to God. His benevolence, however, edges down his wit, and
+gives it more the characteristic of humor, strictly speaking. This,
+while it may have helped that "belly with fat capon lined," has kept him
+at peace with himself and the world.
+
+On one occasion, while Judge Davis was presiding at the Logan County
+Circuit Court, a case came up that involved a question of postal law.
+Uncle Abe was on the case, and politely loaned Judge D. a small manual
+of postal law, that he might see for himself what the letter of the
+law was. The Judge gave his understanding of the law, but had hardly
+finished when Mr. S------s, a burley farmer from Clear Creek, jumped up
+and sang out--
+
+"I reckon that ain't so, Judge. I've been Post-Master more'n a dozen
+years, and I reckon I ought to know what's Post Office law."
+
+Of course Judge Davis had every right to fine the man for contempt, but
+he had a different way of treating such cases. "With a tone in which
+sarcasm only slightly blended, he said:
+
+"Truly, I think you ought, Mr. S------s. It has never been my privilege
+to be a Post-Master, and I would like your opinion in this case. Please
+step this way."
+
+The Judge moved over and made room on the bench, which Mr. S------s
+occupied, and proceeded to give _his_ opinion on the mooted question.
+The bar sat smiling in expectation.
+
+"Keep your seat, Mr. S------s, while I speak a word with my friend
+Parks."
+
+Uncle Abe it was who had been interrupted, so he resumed:
+
+"May it please the Court, I had some doubt on this point myself, so
+I borrowed the usual manual of Postal Law, to be perfectly assured.
+I regret to contend that the clear letter of the law conflicts--sadly
+conflicts--with the view just taken by Judge S------s;" but here the bar
+indulged in a quiet "smile" without a stick in it, and it just popped
+into Mr. S------'s head, that he was out of place, and he skedaddled in
+haste.
+
+"The largest _pussie_ Judge that sat on our bench," remarked Will Wyatt.
+From that day to this, Mr. S------s, has never lost the title he so
+suddenly gained.
+
+
+
+
+I'm an Inderlid.
+
+One day while Uncle Abe was attending to a case at Mount Pulaski, (the
+country seat of Logan County, Illinois,) he was beset by old B------s,
+a worthy farmer, but a notorious malaprop, for an opinion as to his
+amenability to the road tax. "You look here, Mr. Lincoln, these fellows
+here want to make me work on the road."
+
+"Well!" said Uncle Abe.
+
+"Well, I tells them that they can't do it, cause I'm an _inderlid_, you
+see."
+
+(Of course Uncle Abe concurred in B------s opinion, and forgot to charge
+a fee.)
+
+"On another occasion, he wanted John G. Gillette, the great cattle
+dealer, to _proximate_ him because he'd got the best pair of cattle
+scales in Logan County."
+
+
+
+
+How Uncle Abe got his Sobriquet.
+
+Some one ventured to ask Uncle Abe, soon after his arrival at the White
+House, how he got the sobriquet of "Honest Abe."
+
+"Oh," said he, "I suppose my case was pretty much like that of a country
+merchant I once read of. Some one called him a 'little rascal.' 'Thank
+you for the compliment,' said he. 'Why so?' asked the stigmatizer.
+'Because that title distinguishes me from my fellow tradesmen, who are
+all _great_ rascals.'"
+
+"So honest lawyers were so scarce in Illinois that you were thus
+distinguished from them?" persisted the questioner.
+
+"Well," quoth Uncle Abe, glancing slyly at Douglas, Sweet, and others
+from Illinois, "it's hard to say where the honest ones are."
+
+
+
+
+"I'll take Number Eleven too."
+
+Thirty-five or forty years ago, a trip from Sangamon or Macon County, to
+St. Louis, was an event to be talked of. It took as long to make it, and
+furnished food for as much rustic enquiry and comment, as does a voyage
+to Europe now. Uncle Abe had then given up rail-splitting, and was
+studying law. Having a little while before treated himself to a (then)
+rare thing, a suit of "store clothes;" and a neighbor being about to
+leave for St. Louis, he resolved to go along. As the teams toiled on at
+the rate of fifteen or twenty miles a day, they were gradually joined by
+others, till the train presented somewhat the sights now to be seen on
+our great overland routes to the Pacific.
+
+On arrival at St. Louis, Abe determined to see high life, and
+accordingly made tracks for a letter A. No. 1, first class Hotel.
+The Old City Hotel was then the only house that could claim that
+distinction. There the merchants congregated, and there the Indian
+trader sought relaxation from frontier hardships, while the rough
+trapper was content with the humble fare of the "Hunter's Home."
+
+I forget what association called out this reminiscence of that trip; but
+there can be no harm in repeating the story. Such mishaps have befallen
+incipient greatness before.
+
+At the dinner table, each waiter was provided with a wine card, and each
+guest had his wine charged to the number of his room, simply calling
+out, as for instance, Sherry No. 9, &c. A jolly Indian trader, sat just
+opposite Abe, who betimes called "Claret, No 11." Abe saw that most of
+the guests were similarly providing for themselves, and concluded not to
+appear penurious, so he said he'd take some wine too.
+
+"What kind, sah?" asked the waiter.
+
+"Oh, I'll take the same,"--pointing to the bottle just called for by the
+Indian trader.
+
+"What number, sah?"
+
+Abe was puzzled. Ho had not been used to wine or hotel life; but it was
+only a moment before he broke the ice.
+
+"Oh, I'll just take No. 11 too."
+
+The trader looked up surprised, while several others near by, smiled a
+faint comprehension as to the state of affairs.
+
+"Why, young man," said the trader, "that is my number, and mine is a
+single room."
+
+"I beg pardon," stammered Abe, conscious that he had betrayed rusticity
+and ignorance; but not knowing exactly how to extricate himself, the
+good-hearted trader came to his aid--
+
+"Were you ever in the city before?" asked he.
+
+"Never before."
+
+"Well, then, in memory of your advent, it shall be No. 11 too," and he
+quietly pushed the bottle across the table. So agreeable was he that
+Abe rallied, and the second bottle followed the fate of the first. On
+renewing the conversation after dinner, the trader was satisfied that
+Abe had 'lots' of 'horse sense,' but little of worldly experience,
+and he friendlily invited him to go out with him as a clerk; but, Abe
+declined. Had he gone--what? Perhaps he might have become a respectable
+Indian trader--perhaps he never had been elected President, and perhaps
+we would have had no rebellion.
+
+
+
+
+A Severe Retort.
+
+Uncle Abe took a great liking to the late Col. Ellsworth, and afterwards
+did him the honor of making a Colonel of him. The rebel Jackson did
+the rest, but enough of that. Many of our readers will recall the
+slim, spruce figure of Col. Ellsworth as he paraded the streets
+of Springfield, dressed in a unique Zouave uniform, a mere boy in
+appearance. He was full of animal spirits. He and Bob O'Lincoln were
+cutting up didoes in the Law office of Lincoln and Hornden, which
+greatly annoyed Uncle Abe, and he gently reproved them. Bob, a little
+nettled, replied by quoting the common couplet:
+
+``"A little nonsense now and then,
+
+``Is relished by the wisest men."
+
+"Yes," said Uncle Abe, looking severely at Bob, "that's the difference
+between a wise man and a fool who relishes it all the time."
+
+Bob subsided, and Ellsworth betook himself anew to Blackstone.
+
+
+
+
+Had all the Time there Was.
+
+When Uncle Abe used to attend the Courts in the regions round about
+Sangamon, he generally made easy stays, and was wont to look at the
+country and talk to the people at his leisure. On one occasion he
+was riding by the premises of old H------, who was notorious for his
+unthriftiness, and who was in the act of driving some stray hogs out of
+his corn-field.
+
+"Good morning, Mr. H------," said Uncle Abe.
+
+"Morning, Mr. Lincoln, morning."
+
+"Why don't you mend that piece of fence thoroughly, Mr. H------, and
+keep the pigs out?" asked Uncle Abe.
+
+"Ha'n't got time," said H------.
+
+"Why," said Uncle Abe, with an air of blended reproof and humor, "you've
+got all the time there is Mr. H------."
+
+Whether H------ mended his fence and his thriftless habits, this
+deponent knoweth not; but has often thought how true was the remark,
+whether as a joke or an admonition. Every second, minute or hour is
+ours--ours to use or ours to squander. How wontonly wasteful would be
+the rich man who should stand upon a vessel's deck and cast his million
+golden coins into the sea; yet day after day we stand upon the shores of
+eternity, and cast the golden moments into the unreturning past. All the
+knowledge and wealth of the world is but the result of improved time. So
+don't say you "havn't got time," for you've got all there is, as Uncle
+Abe says.
+
+
+
+
+Could Stand it a Day or Two,
+
+About the time this occurred, there stood on one side of Capitol Square,
+in Springfield, a Hotel, now doubtless out of memory of most of the
+occupants of the out-lots and additions which speculators have hitched
+to the original village. In its day it was a "first-class hotel," but
+it waned before the "American" and is now among the "things that were."
+There were some who doubted the cleanliness of the _cuisine_, and
+"thereby hangs a tale."
+
+Judge Brown arrived in town and put up at the aforesaid hotel, whereat,
+Uncle Abe, on meeting him, expressed his regret, begging him to become
+_his_ guest. The Judge would fain not trouble his friend.
+
+"But you know the reputation of the place--the kitchen?" said Uncle Abe.
+
+"I've heard of it," said the Judge; "but as I want to keep my appetite,
+I always shun the kitchen, if not the cooks."
+
+"But surely, can't you see by the table alone, Judge?"
+
+"I know, Mr. Lincoln, but I'm going to stop only a day or two, and I
+guess I can stand for that time what the landlord's family stand all
+their lives."
+
+Speaking of Hotels, reminds me of a little episode of one of Uncle
+Abe's professional visits to Cairo, in Egypt, a town fenced in with
+mud-banks and celebrated for its mud-holes and mean whisky. Thereabouts
+is a Hotel, and thereat Uncle Abe stopped because the water forbade
+further traveling. When his bill was presented to him next morning,
+he ventured to remark, "that his accommodation had not been of the most
+agreeable kind."
+
+"We are very much crowded," apologetically replied the landlord.
+
+"But I had hard work to get breakfast this morning."
+
+"Yes," continued the apologist, "we are greatly in need of help."
+
+"Well, well," said Uncle Abe, "you keep a first rate hotel in one
+respect."
+
+"Ah!" said the landlord, brightening up, "in what respect is that?"
+
+"Your bills," said Undo Abe, vanishing towards the "Central" cars.
+
+The Ky-ro-ite landlord perhaps thought he ought to be well compensated
+for keeping a hotel in such a place. A man of his sort used to "keep
+tavern" in Pasy County, Indiana, several years ago. A pedestrian stopped
+with him over night, for which the charge was 2.50.
+
+"Why, landlord," said he, "this is an outrageous bill."
+
+"You mean it's a big'un?" said the insatiate Boniface.
+
+"Yes, I do."
+
+"Well, stranger, we keep tavern here."
+
+"What has that to do with such a bill?"
+
+"Look at that'ere sign, stranger--cost ten dollars; your'n the fust
+trav'ler that's bin along for three weeks, and we can't afford to keep
+tavern for nothin--_we_ can't!"
+
+
+
+
+Not the Worst of it.
+
+Gov. Morgan, of New York, was urging the employment of General W------in
+active service, Seward objected, that he was "too old" for the emergency
+of the times.
+
+"Yes," said Uncle Abe, "we've got too many old officers in the army, and
+that is not the worst of it--_we've got two many old women_ there!" This
+was when Uncle Abe's faith was strong in little Mac.
+
+"Some conclusions;" said Uncle Abe on one occasion, "are nonsequential.
+To say that Rome was not built in a day, does not prove that it was
+built in a night."
+
+
+
+
+Accoutred en Militaire.
+
+In the outset of the famous Black-hawk war in Illinois, a "hoss company"
+was raised in the region where Uncle Abe was (then) a rising lawyer.
+I say rising, although he had then reached a height sufficient to
+help himself to most blessings--and he, the aforesaid U.A., was chosen
+Captain. Uncle Abe rode a "slapping stallion," who was either naturally
+restive, or appreciated his new honor too highly--at any rate, he
+corvetted and pirouetted like a very Bucephalus. At last he unhorsed
+his rider, who landed sprawling on the prairie in one of those green
+excrescences that abound where bovine herds range. As the discomfitted
+Uncle Abe rose, and surveyed his predicament, old Pierre Menard, who was
+a near spectator, remarked in his broken French:
+
+"Vell, I nevair sees any man accoutred en militaire like zat before."
+
+Most old suckers pronounce accoutred as the Yankees do the word
+cowcumber, and this rendered Menard's joke more unctious.
+
+
+
+
+Perils of Illinois Lawyers.
+
+Years ago, when the capital of Suckerdom was a village of less
+"magnificence" than it now presents--when Lincoln, Harden, Baker,
+McDougal, Douglas, Shields and Ferguson were all village lawyers, and
+scarcely known to fame--Judge Thomas Brown was on the Supreme bench
+of the State. He was to some extent a "character;" but not a very
+successful lawyer. He went to California, since when he has been
+generally lost sight of; but his old friends may be assured that if he
+is in the "land of the living," Uncle Abe's tax collectors will find
+him. But that's neither here nor there. His ideas of the perils of
+practicing law in Illinois, in early times, is what is now before the
+reader.
+
+On one occasion, after he had changed his residence to Peoria, having
+some business to transact in Springfield, he arrived in that place and
+put up at the old American House, (now kept by Henry Bidgely, Esq.)
+He chanced to mention the name of Peoria. Instantly the attention of a
+countryman was fixed, upon him, who, at the first opportunity accosted
+him--
+
+"From Peoria, Squar?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Much acquainted?"
+
+"Pretty well, Sir."
+
+"Know a lawyer up there named H------g R------s?"
+
+"Yes sir."
+
+"How's he getting along?"
+
+"Oh, first rate--devilish lucky man."
+
+"He's getting hold of considerable land, hain't he?"
+
+"Yes a deal--devilish lucky man.
+
+"Yes--large--devilish lucky man."
+
+"Look here, Squar," said the countryman, evidently puzzled at R------s
+being so devilish lucky.
+
+"What do you mean about his being so lucky?"
+
+"Mean? why I call any man lucky that practices law twenty years in
+Illinoiss, and don't get into the penitentiary."
+
+
+
+
+Couldn't Make a Presidential Chair.
+
+"Mr. Lincoln," said an ardent sovereignty man just at the beginning of
+the last Presidential contest "Mr. Douglas is a cabinet maker."
+
+"He _was_ when I first knew him," said Uncle Abe "but he gave up the
+business so long ago, that I don't think he can make a Presidential
+chair now." Uncle Abe proved himself a prophet, although at a tremendous
+cost to the country.
+
+
+
+
+"Couldn't see It in that Light."
+
+A delegation of temperance men recently sought to influence Uncle Abe to
+take some stringent steps to suppress intemperance in our armies. Among
+other reasons urged, they said our armies were often beaten because of
+intemperance.
+
+"Is that so?" said Undo Abe. "I've heard on all sides that the rebels
+drink more than our boys do, and I can't see why our boys, who drink
+less, are more liable to get whipped."
+
+"But you know the corrupting influence of the army in regard to drinking
+habits," pursued the Committee.
+
+"I've heard that, too," said Uncle Abe, "but I think they will do pretty
+well _if I can keep them out of Washington!_"
+
+The Committee didn't carry their measure, by a jug full.
+
+
+
+
+Too Tough for the Rebels.
+
+When the Illinois boys gathered at Springfield, under the call of the
+ten regiment bill, they were quartered on the fair grounds, just out
+of the city. All the stalls were filled with troops, before which were
+signs as "St. Nicholas," "Richmond House," etc., etc. Charley W------,
+on going through the fair grounds, looked into the "Richmond House," and
+said--
+
+"Well, boys, how do you get along?"
+
+"Oh, first rate," replied the Chicagoians, "we're all _stall fed_."
+
+"Bully for you," said Charley; "hope you'll be too tough for the
+rebels."
+
+
+
+
+Little Mac Helped by an Illustration.
+
+"I can't seem to reap any advantage from the rebel movements," said
+McClellan, in consultation with Uncle Abe.
+
+"Oh, you just keep a watchful, careful eye on Leer and perhaps you will
+yet see how to make use of them, as old Mother Grundy did of her crooked
+wood."
+
+"Thereby hangs a tale," remarked little Mac, with one of his peculiar,
+quaint smiles.
+
+"You're right, General. Your remark reminded me of a good old
+neighbor of my father's, in Kentucky, who died many years ago. She was
+sweet-tempered--few such in this world." Uncle Abe stopped as though a
+mental comparison had damaged some woman of his acquaintance. "Yes, her
+disposition was of that kind that extracts 'good from things evil.' And
+she was her husband's pride and boast. One day he was praising her to a
+neighbor."
+
+"'Look here, old man Grundy,' said the neighbor 'these women are just
+like cats--they are all right as long as you stroke the fur the right
+way, but reverse the movement, and you'll see the fire fly. Now, I'll
+tell you what, I bet a four-gallon keg of my four-year-old peach, that I
+can tell you how to make her as mad as a set-hen, if you dare to try."
+
+"'Done,' cried old man Grundy.
+
+"'Well, you just haul home all the crookedest sticks of wood you can
+find, and then see.'
+
+"Old man Grundy brought home a small load every day or two, and it was
+knotty and crooked as a pigs-tail; but not a word or look of complaint.
+For a week this continued, with the same result, when he asked the good
+wife how she liked the wood."
+
+"'Oh,'tis beautiful wood,' said she; 'it burns finely, and then it fits
+_around my pots and kettles just, as if 'twas made on purpose_.'"
+
+Lee did not fit into Mac's hand so well, yet the story was not without
+its use to him.
+
+
+
+
+An Acre of Fight.
+
+During the progress of the Senatorial campaign between Douglas and
+Lincoln, Uncle Abe came home to recreate a few days. Douglas, long used
+to the political arena, bore the fatigues of the canvass like a veteran.
+His custom was to bathe just after supper, getting some friend to rub
+him like a race horse, when he would sit down and enjoy his whisky
+and cigar. Lincoln, lank and abstemious, bore his yoke with evident
+weariness. But to the story.
+
+Uncle Abe went up into the Governor's room in the State House, where he
+was soon joined by many of the leading Republicans of the town. Some one
+remarked on his look of weariness. "It is a mighty contest," remarked
+Uncle Jesse Du Bois.
+
+"But Mr. Lincoln does not show his great appreciation of it upon the
+stand," remarked a Chicago correspondent, in allusion to Uncle Abe's
+good humored replies to Douglas.
+
+"But still, when the day's gladiatorial combat is over, it seems to
+me, as the Kentucky fellow said, that I had been through 'an acre of
+fight.'"
+
+"Give us that story, Abe," said Dr. Wallace, Uncle Abe's brother-in-law.
+
+"Well, one of my earliest recollections of a Kentucky Court, was a trial
+about a fight. It took place in the Court House grounds, and the Judge,
+thinking it constructable as a contempt of Court, sent out the Sheriff,
+and had the parties quickly brought before him. Both had bruised noses
+and beavers, and showed the unmistakable evidence of having been in
+a scrimage. The witnesses were numerous, and the evidence was so
+conflicting, that the Judge declared he could legally reach no other
+conclusion than that there had _been no fight at all_. But the Sheriff
+ventured to suggest:
+
+"Here's Jim Blowers--he had hold on one of them fellers, when I arrested
+them."
+
+"Mr. Clerk," said the Judge, "you will at once swear Mr. Blowers."
+
+"Now, Mr. Blowers," said the Clerk, "you will please tell the Court what
+you know about this affair."
+
+"Well, ax on."
+
+"Well, was there a fight between these parties?"
+
+"Just a bit of scrimage."
+
+"It was a real fight, was it?"
+
+"Well, some people would call it that."
+
+"How much of a fight was it?"
+
+"Oh, considerable--they pulled and hauled about kinder like two cows
+when they lock horns."
+
+"But, tell the Court more precisely?"
+
+"Well, I should say it was a right smart fight."
+
+"But _how_ much of a fight?"
+
+"Well, then, just about an acre, I reckon."
+
+It is needless to say that the crowd enjoyed the joke hugely.
+
+"It is easier to pay a small debt than a larger one."
+
+
+
+
+Uncle Abe Believes in the Intelligence of Oysters.
+
+In the year 1860 or thereabouts, when a great patent case was being
+tried in Chicago, and champagne and oysters were the favorite viands
+served nightly to Counsel and Jurors after the adjournment of Court, it
+happened that one Ed. D------n, a young patent lawyer from New York, was
+present on one of those occasions. Now, Ned is terribly afflicted with a
+determination of words to the mouth, and managed to monopolize the whole
+conversation. Ned had a speech to make upon everything, and kept buzzing
+around like a musquito, dipping his bill into everything animate or
+inanimate, no matter which. At last he began to officiate at serving out
+the oysters, and with ladle in hand, said in his usual stilted style,
+"I wonder whether this bivalve, this seemingly obtuse oyster, is endowed
+with any degree of intelligence." Uncle Abe looked at the puppy, who, by
+the way, had prevented him cracking a single one of his favorite jokes
+for the entire evening, and quaintly remarked, that "he was satisfied
+that an oyster knew when to shut up, and that was more than some
+New York lawyers knew." Ned has never propounded the query as to the
+intellect of oysters since.
+
+
+
+
+An Egyptian Snake Story
+
+The last county made in Illinois--I don't mean by the Legislature, but
+by Nature, and where dirt was so short that it lies under water part of
+the year--is called Alexander, and used to boast two rival towns, both
+thoroughly Egyptian in their nomenclative association--Cairo and Thebes.
+Twenty years ago Thebes was the "seat of justice;" but Cairo was then
+beginning to entertain magnificent expectations, and her citizens wanted
+to have the Court House removed to their town. The contest waxed warm.
+The Thebans contended that Cairo was only a "daub of mud on the tail
+of the State," while Thebes was destined to hold the same relation to
+Alexander, that its ancient namesake did to Egypt in the time of Menes.
+[See Herodotus.] But to settle the dispute, the Legislature must be
+appealed to, and that involved the choice of a man favorable to the
+change. This narrowed the fight right down to a hot county canvass
+between the Theban and Cairoine interests.
+
+A Cairo man conceived a scheme that was ahead of anything yet achieved
+by Uncle Abe's brigadiers in the way of "strategy." He wrapped a boulder
+in a green hide, making a perfectly round mass, to which he attached a
+mule; then night after night he drew the stone through sand and mud.
+By going on a straight line, the mule's tracks were concealed, and the
+track left, resembled that made by a huge serpent.
+
+[Illustration: 0041]
+
+These tracks were mainly in the south end of the county, and caused
+an excitement that almost absorbed the election interest. Soon it was
+reported that Mrs. so and so had seen a huge snake. The wonder grew
+apace. Anon it was currently reported that two men had seen the great
+serpent five miles above Cairo. The excitement increased. Several daring
+hunters followed the track, of which new ones were made every night;
+but the trail always led into water and was lost. Several persons missed
+hogs and calves, which were surmised to have gone into the capacious maw
+of the serpent. Finally word was given out that a great hunt was to come
+off in the lower part of the county, and the rendezvous was appointed.
+On the morning, hundreds were there from all parts of the county, and
+dividing into squads they started to scour the country about. At night
+they returned from their snakeless hunt, but so anxious were the people
+to get rid of his snakeship, that they furnished an abundance of edibles
+and whisky. All were in hilarious spirits, determined to renew the hunt
+on the following morning. By daylight the hunters were again on the
+tramp, and men from the lower part of the county happened to fall into
+the squad.
+
+About 3 o'clock in the afternoon, a squad of the bans hove in sight
+of a small village, _i.e._ one house a blacksmith shop and a grocery,
+where, seeing a large crowd assembled, they hurried up in expectation of
+seeing the dead monster. _But the men were voting!_
+
+"Thunder!" cried a Theban, "this is election day, and I'll bet my bottom
+dollar we're sold!"
+
+They started for the rendezvous and spread their suspicions; but so few
+reached their own precincts, that the Cairo man was elected.
+
+Then the joke came out; but the Thebans couldn't see the "laughing
+place;" their rage and mortification was so intense.
+
+Uncle Abe was a member of the Legislature, when an effort was made to
+change the county seat of Alexander; and though he liked the joke hugely
+by which the Thebans had been "diddled," he saw the honesty of the thing
+and so voted against any change.
+
+
+
+
+Why Uncle Abe Made a Brigadier.
+
+When the rebellion had gone so far as to give the most hopeful
+some clear idea of its extent and malignancy, it chanced that J. A.
+Mc------d, a leading politician of Illinois, made a visit to Washington,
+and imitated his friend Douglas so far as to call upon Uncle Abe. The
+"shoot" that certain prominent Democrats gave indication of taking,
+by talking of reconstruction and a Northwestern Republic, gave the new
+administration some concern. Uncle Abe was very sociable with Logan,
+Mac, and a few of their "ilk." So Uncle Abe not only extended to Mac the
+hospitalities of the White House, but accompanied him on a visit to the
+arsenal. While there, their attention was drawn to some muskets which
+the speculators had furnished to Cameron, and which were thought
+(generally) very dangerous to those who used them.
+
+Mac caught up one, and sighted along the barrel.
+
+"Do that again, Mac," said Uncle Abe.
+
+Mac complied. Uncle Abe was evidently struck with an idea, and Mac was
+anxious to know what it was like.
+
+"Why, Mac," said Uncle Abe, "I was thinking if we could get all our
+soldiers to make up that kind of a face, that the rebels couldn't stand
+it a moment." Mac didn't relish Uncle Abe's joke, as he was hopefully
+in pursuit of the third wife; but he put the best face he could upon the
+matter, and remarked to Uncle Abe--
+
+"Perhaps you'd better make me a Brigadier then!"
+
+"And why not?" asked Uncle Abe.
+
+Mac got his commission.
+
+
+
+
+Uncle Abe Puzzled.
+
+Uncle Abe was met one day near Springfield, by a conceited coxcomb, who
+had built him a house at some distance, and invited him to dinner.
+Uncle Abe did not much relish the Jackenape's acquaintance. In fact,
+as Justice Shallow has it, had "written him down an Ass." However, Abe
+enquired very minutely, where Snooks lived? "Thistle Grove," replied the
+verdant Snooks; "but there's no grove now, and not a single thistle!"
+
+"Eh, what!" cries Uncle Abe, "not a single thistle! Then what on airth
+do you live on?"
+
+
+
+
+Uncle Abe Divided on a Question.
+
+In 1840 or '41, Uncle Abo was a member of the Illinois Legislature.
+The Capital had lately been removed from Vandalia to Springfield. The
+Legislature met in the Presbyterian church.
+
+I have forgotten what measure was before the house; but it was one in
+which there were many members who did not wish to commit themselves.
+Uncle Abe was in this predicament. He sat near an open window, and when
+the clerk, calling the ayes and nays had got down to L's, Uncle Abe
+thrust his right leg out of the window, and was just drawing its long
+companion after it, when an anti-dodging member "seeing the game," shut
+the sash down and held Uncle Abe in a trap.
+
+"Lincoln," called out the Clerk.
+
+"Mr. Speaker," said Col. Thornton, "Mr. Lincoln is _divided_ on this
+question, and I move you that the sergeant at arms be sent to bring in
+that part of him that is out of the window."
+
+Uncle Abe was "_brought in_" amid a universal titter, to his evident
+mortification.
+
+In 1840, the Union generally went for Harrison; but Illinois,
+particularly, was democratic. When the Legislature met in the Fall
+of that year, the Whig members tried to break up the _new_ Session by
+absenting themselves from voting to adjourn the old Session _sine die_,
+so that they could Constitutionally meet the next Wednesday morning; the
+State Constitution requiring the Legislature to meet "the first Monday
+in December next, ensuing the election of members." After the breaking
+up of the morning Session, the Sergeant-at-arms hunted up the delinquent
+Whigs, and at 3 o'clock there was a quorum obtained, and the doors
+locked. The Springfield _Register_ of Dec. 11, 1840, mentions this
+matter, but thinks Uncle Abe "come off without damage, as it was noticed
+that his legs reached nearly from the window to the ground!"
+
+A proposition was afterwards humorously proposed, to add another story
+to the new State House, so that fugacious members would have to go down
+the water spouts if they ran!
+
+
+
+
+Tried for Scaring the Girls.
+
+Thirty years ago, when Springfield was blooming into the dignity of its
+Capitalive position, the American House was its great hotel, (and it
+isn't its smallest yet,) and the resort of those who loved to spend
+a few hours in the society of the _bon vivants_ who then
+assembled--Lincoln, Douglas, Shields, Ferguson, Herndon, (then a young
+man, but since the law partner of Uncle Abe,) and many others "not
+unknown to fame," could almost always be found here during the evening.
+
+One evening as they were sitting in free converse in the bar-room, one
+of the chamber maids came in and informed the landlord that a man was
+under her bed.
+
+It seems while stooping down to untie her gaiters, she saw a man under
+the bed. With rare presence of mind, she excused herself to her fellow
+servant as having forgotten some duty, and reported her discovery to
+the landlord. Boniface at once called for volunteers to secure the
+interloper. So eager were they for fun, that all volunteered. They
+surprised and captured the man, and brought him down to the bar-room;
+but what to do with him? was the next question. Springfield then had no
+vagabonds who made fees out of misfortunes--i.e. policemen--and it was
+determined to treat him with the prompt justice peculiar to that era. A
+court was therefore got together at once, all expectant of fun but the
+unfortunate culprit.
+
+Judge Thomas Brown was decided upon to act as Judge; Melborn, the
+talented, but eccentric State Attorney, was detailed to prosecute;
+and Lincoln and Douglas to defend the prisoner. Dr. Wallace acted as
+Sheriff, and upon the jury were Dr. Merriman, * Gen. Shields, John
+Calhoun (of Lecompton memory,) Uri Manly, and many other well known
+personages.
+
+Lawborn, though a regularly-educated and talented lawyer, took occasion
+not only to be as "funny as he could," but to imitate the prevailing
+style of oratory too common in Illinois--a style in which the
+Hard-shell-Baptist devil mingled with the rough dialect of the
+back-woodsman.
+
+"_May it please your Honor, and you, gentlemen of the Jury_: The
+Legislature of Illinois, though it has legislated upon every subject it
+could think of, has omitted to pass any act against a man being born as
+ugly as he pleases. If such an idea ever occurred to my friend Lincoln
+here, when in the Legislature, I know he would at once dismiss it,
+not only as too personal, but as repugnant to his honest heart. As for
+myself, I like ugly men. An ugly man stands up on his own merits. Nature
+has done nothing for him, and he feels that he must labor to supply the
+deficit by amiability and good conduct generally. There is not an ugly
+man in this room but has felt this. A pretty man, on the contrary,
+trusts his face to supply head, heart and everything. He is an anomaly
+in nature, as though the productions had been at fault as to sex, and
+sought to correct it when too late. They are girl's first loves, and
+doting husband's jealous bane. I confess I don't like pretty men half so
+well as I do pretty women.
+
+     * Afterward murdered and robbed on the Pacific.
+
+"No, gentlemen, ugliness is nothing. It is manners that is everything.
+The ugliest man that ever lived, never intentionally frightened a
+woman--nay, never was so unfortunate as to do so. But this creature,
+gentlemen of the Jury, this mendacious wretch whom you set in judgment
+upon--this creature, who would doubtless enter for a prize of beauty at
+a vanity fair--how has he failed in his duty to society? Why, gentlemen,
+by crawling under the bed upon which two fair damsels were about to
+expose their loveliness to Diana's envious gaze. Did he wish to woo
+them? Petruche's was rough in his wooing--this man was mean! Woman loves
+not surprises. Their hearts are fond of open sieges. This is the case of
+all women-kind. Maugre the slander of Hudibras:=
+
+``"He that woos a maid,
+
+``Must lie, love, and flatter."=
+
+"It is a _mystery_ that adds to beauty, and the woman who surrenders that
+to importunity or surprise, has lost half her vantage ground. The story
+of Guyges and Candaules' queen, if not paralleled here, is not without
+its moral. What else meant this wretch, gentlemen of the Jury, but to
+surprise these charming damsels when only armed with the light shield
+that the Huntress and the cotton plant throws over earthly beauty? Or,
+perhaps he meant more--his own guilty heart can only accuse him there.
+
+"Gentlemen of the Jury, the failure of our Legislature to provide a
+specific punishment for such miscreants, as this--lecherous creatures,
+who steal upon woman amid the mysteries of the bed-room--is no reason
+why society should fold its arms and leave woman's hidden beauties to be
+anatomized by guilty eyes. No, gentlemen of the Jury, outraged decency
+cries for its victim, and here he tremblingly, guiltily stands.
+
+"Gentlemen of the Jury, where are the spirits of the fathers of the
+Constitution? Are they not hovering over us in the air of the still
+summer day? Are they not wailing upon the winds that sweep over our
+prairies? Are they not heard in the sigh of the mountain pine? Are they
+not abroad in all lands, whispering to earth's downtrodden millions like
+a voice of hope? Yes, gentlemen of the Jury! and where was this creature
+then? Why, creeping under the bed of two girls, hazzarding the chance of
+overturning--well, it matters not."
+
+--And much more, in a view that needed to be heard to be appreciated.
+
+Lincoln followed, illustrating with anecdotes meet for the place and
+occasion, of which I recollect only the opening. "Gentlemen of the
+Jury," said he, "the remarks of my friend Lawborn about ugly men, comes
+home to my bosom like the sweet oders of a rose to its neighboring great
+sister, the cabbage. It was a grateful, a just tribute to that neglected
+class of the community--ugly men, I wish to say something for my
+client, although it must in candor be admitted, that he had 'gone to
+pot.' I don't see why we should throw the kettle after him; he may be
+the victim of circumstances; he looks very bashful now, and it may be
+the girls scared him; who knows? At least I claim for him the benefit of
+a doubt.
+
+"Why, gentlemen, many of us have, or might have suffered from a
+concatenation of circumstances as strong as that under which my client
+labors. Let me relate a little personal anecdote in illustration. When
+I was making the secret canvass of this country, with my friend
+Cartwright, the Pioneer Preacher, we chanced to stop at the house of one
+of our old Kentucky farmers, whose log-cabin parlor, kitchen and hall
+were blended in one, and only separated at night by sundry blankets hung
+up between the beds. As we were candidates for the august Legislature of
+Illinois, our host treated us with the privacy of a blanket room. During
+the night I was awakened by some one throwing their leg over me with
+some force. I thought it was neighbor Cartright, and took hold of it to
+give it a toss back; but it didn't feel like one of his white oak legs,
+and while I was feeling it to ascertain the correctness of my half-awake
+doubts, a stifled scream thoroughly awakened me, and the leg was
+withdrawn. Why, gentlemen, would you believe me? It was the leg of our
+host's daughter! Imagine my position if you can! What an _apparent_
+breach of hospitality! While I was imagining an excuse for my conduct,
+the 'old folks' struck a light, and the blanket between our bed and
+that of the buxom damsel, was discovered to have been pulled down! More
+damning proof, thought I. I feigned sleep, but kept one corner of my
+left eye open for observation. The blanket was soon fixed up, and I
+was greatly relieved to hear the damsel explain to her mother that she
+herself had invaded our bed while dreaming, caused by some un-digestable
+vegetables she had eaten for her supper. Our host was serene and affable
+in the morning, and I had no need to apologize; but, gentlemen, imagine
+what an escape I had, and have mercy on my client."
+
+Uncle Abe made a side splitting speech all through, and Douglas followed
+with a "constitutional" argument.
+
+The Jury returned a verdict of "guilty of scaring the girls," and the
+Judge sentenced the culprit to be whipped in the back yard, by the girls
+he had scared.
+
+Dr. Wallace, the acting Sheriff, (no, a paymaster in the army,) went out
+and bought a cow hide, and the fellow was soon tied up to a post, and
+the girls made per force to give him thirty-nine well laid on.
+
+The whole affair was a rich evening's divertisement, and cost nothing
+more than a few lost vest buttons and strained button holes.
+
+It is needless to say that the fellow became a _non est_ man from that
+day thenceforth.
+
+
+
+
+"Thank God for the Sassengers."
+
+Most of the readers of this have perhaps read a good story of Oliver
+Ditson, the celebrated Boston Music publisher. After he had been in
+business several years, his New Hampshire friends invited him to open
+his Thanksgiving in his native town, he accepted the invitation and
+started with some of his friends. On the way Ditson was the great man of
+the occasion, and was therefore placed at the head of the table, when
+it devolved upon him to ask the blessing. Now Oliver practiced more
+religion than he knew the exact forms for, and he was in a sad dilemma;
+but he essayed boldly the task. He thanked God for all the 'creature
+comforts' there were upon the table--for all there ever had been--for
+all that was expected. But how to quit? He went on, thanking and trying
+to think at the same time how 'blessings' ended, but to no purpose.
+Knives rattled, plates moved, and Oliver saw the hungry people were
+getting impatient, and he came to the end in a real business like style,
+with--"Yours, respectfully, OLIVER DITSON."
+
+Almost as good an anecdote is told by Uncle Abe of one of his old
+friends, a Mr. Sawyer, who merchandized either in Macon or Champaign
+County. Sawyer, was a Yankee, and distinguished for little besides an
+immoderate liking for "sassingers," as he called that "linked sweetness"
+which polite people call sausages. When Uncle Abe was stumping the
+Sangamon District for Congress, it befell that he and Sawyer met at the
+same country hotel, which was kept by a hardshell Baptist, whose
+foible was long prayers and blessings at table. They--Lincoln and
+Sawyer--happened to be going to the same town by the same coaches. So
+they were up betimes and ready, but breakfast was delayed. They at last
+got to the table, and the Deacon was just closing his eyes preliminary
+to the blessing, when the stage horn blew.
+
+"Bless me, Deacon, there's the stage ready," cried the Sawyer; "thank
+God for the sassengers, and let us fall too."
+
+I hardly need say the Deacon's blessing--and perhaps his breakfast were
+spoiled. But Sawyer had his "sassengers."
+
+
+
+
+Was'nt Murder After All.
+
+When the present State House of Illinois, was being built--and it's a
+passable edifice, baring it is too low in the ground, and the _summer
+house_ up on its top is too low to catch the cool breezes--it chanced
+that among the workmen engaged upon it was a New Yorker named Johnson.
+This man had a sovereign contempt for most of the shinplasters then
+circulating in Illinois; nor was he much amiss in this, for if it
+was now in existence, it would be exchangable at par with Jeff Davis'
+shinplasters. But through the instrumentality of Col. Thornton's
+negotiations in New York with McAlister of Stebbins, (a claim, by the
+way, that has never been settled but came near _settling_ the State _a
+la_ Mattoon,) a large amount of the bills of the New York _Metropolitan
+Bank_ were put into circulation about Springfield. For this currency
+Johnson conceived so great a partiality that the passion of avarice soon
+turned it into a mania. He bought all these notes his means permitted,
+and stored them away about his person with miserly care.
+
+One Sunday Johnson was invited to ride out to the Cut off by a man
+(Smith for the nonce) and accepted. They did'nt stop at the Cut-off, but
+went direct to Sangamon River. Here, they were overheard quarrelling.
+
+Smith came home without Johnson, who was soon missed, and as he was
+known to have gone away with Smith, that individual was soon put in that
+log building still standing (it did in '62) back of Carrigan's Hotel,
+and which has since served as a hen house etc. (Why don't Butler take a
+picture of it, to show the "rising generation" what a small house used
+to hold all the _known or taken_ rogues of old Sangamon?)
+
+The examination of Smith, did not take place until the river bank had
+been examined. There were signs of a struggle on the bank, and to the
+water's edge, which gave force to the evidence of the man who heard
+them in dispute, and all felt convinced that Johnson had been murdered.
+Although a careful examination and dredging of the river failed to
+produce the body, Smith was committed for trial.
+
+Uncle Abe was engaged as counsel for Johnson, but had little hopes of
+being of any earthly aid to him.
+
+At last the day of trial came, and the prisoner plead "not guilty."
+
+I think it was Melborn who was the prosecuting Attorney; before the
+prosecution had opened the case Uncle Abe rose and said:
+
+"May it please the Court, I have a motion to make before the prosecution
+opens; and as it may save the Court some unnecessary labor, I hope it
+will be entertained. _I move that the indictment be quashed and the
+prisoner discharged!_"
+
+The astonishment of the crowded Court room was immense, shared alike by
+Judge, bar and spectators. As soon as the Judge recovered his equanimity
+he asked:
+
+"Upon what grounds is so extraordinary a motion made?"
+
+"Why the man Johnson, was not murdered at all, and I have the pleasure
+of introducing _him to the presence of the Court_."
+
+Johnson was led forward. Hundreds recognized him immediately, The
+excitement was so great that the Judge adjourned the Court.
+
+It seems that the parties had quarreled, Johnson had been pushed into
+the river, but had got out and wandered off in a state of partial
+aberation of mind and had been working on a farm. His passion for
+Metropolitan Bank Notes and his name suggested an idea that he was the
+missing man, and he was opportunely produced in time to save a man from
+being hung.
+
+
+
+
+Joe Reed's Mule Hunt.
+
+One of the best natured fellows in the world, when he is not mad, is
+Joe Reed, of Logan County, Illinois, Joe is a staunch Republican--a real
+rip-rarer in the cause, and has given Uncle Abe the lift of a mighty
+broad pair of shoulders more than once, although at first he had a poor
+opinion of the rail-splitter. Thereby hangs a tale.
+
+In 18--, (the date is forgotten on account of the coldness of the
+weather that winter,) Joe lost a couple of mules. After they had
+been gone for a long time, he chanced to hear of them in a settlement
+somewhere within the present bounds of Macon County. Illinois. At the
+first opportunity Joe started on a mule hunt, determined to find either
+the mules or some _trace_ of them. On reaching the neighborhood in
+question, Joe was satisfied that an old fellow named Bosby Sheel, had
+his mules; and when he went in person, and saw them, the assurance of
+his eyes made "assurance double sure." He at once made claim, but the
+old fellow had heard that possession was nine points of the law--he
+declined to surrender them; Joe immediately appealed to old Squire
+P------, who at once summoned the holder of the mules to his Court. The
+Squire informed Joe that he would have to prove property; but Joe said
+he would only have to swear to his property. In this dilemma, the Squire
+adjourned Court till after dinner and remarked to Joe that he had better
+get a lawyer.
+
+"There is young Abe Lincoln, he don't live far from here, and he'll be
+at my house after dinner."
+
+As he was the only lawyer immediately thereabouts, Joe thought he had
+best employ him, in order to "have the law on his side."
+
+Soon after dinner a stranger arrived, and the Justice (who was landlord
+of the only hotel in the settlement,) whispered to Joe, that that was
+the lawyer.
+
+"What!" exclaimed Joe, "that lean, lank gawky? Why, I'll bet both
+of them mules I know more law nor he does, for I'm a 'Squire at home
+myself--I am."
+
+"But his looks is mighty deceivin', I tell you," said Boniface. "He's
+gin out to be one of the piertest young fellows short o' Sangamon."
+
+But Joe was decided, and the 'Squire re-convened his Court, he having
+the meantime laid the case before his young friend, the lawyer, and got
+his opinion.
+
+Acting his own lawyer, Joe felt it due to his course to give a concise
+statement of the law. As he stood up, he still continued to read from a
+green-covered book that had engaged his attention most of the day It was
+one of Cooper's latest novels. As Joe gave his version of the law, it
+seemed to 'Squire P------ that he was _reading_ the law.
+
+"Is that really the law?" said he, as Joe finished his version of the
+law--not the book. "Let me see that book."
+
+Joe mechanically handed it to him.
+
+After pouring over it for some time, he handed it back, with an air of
+disappointment, remarking:
+
+"Drat me! if I see any sich law in that book."
+
+"Well, it ain't no wonder ye don't--that's the _Red Rover_, a novel and
+not a law book, and you've been and lost my place too," Joe found his
+place, and continued: "what I told you is what the law says, and I know
+it's so."
+
+"Well, as you're a 'Squire, too, I reckon you ought to know. As the mules
+don't belong to old man Bosby Sheel and you swear they are you'rn, I
+hold he's bound to give'em up."
+
+Joe rallied the old Squire rather hard about looking over the _Red
+Rover_ for extra law, but finally "give a treat" and left the Squire and
+his friend in the best of humors.
+
+Said Uncle Abe when he had the small-pox, "I now can give something to
+every one who calls."
+
+
+
+
+Has no Influence with the Administration.
+
+Judge Baldwin, an old and highly respectable and sedate gentleman,
+called a few days since on Gen. Halleck, and presuming upon a familiar
+acquaintance in California formerly, solicited a pass outside of our
+lines, to see a brother in Virginia, not thinking that he would be met
+with a refusal, as both his brother and himself were good Union men.
+
+"We have been deceived too often," said General Halleck, "and I regret I
+can't grant it."
+
+Judge B. then went to Stanton, and was very briefly disposed of with the
+same result. Finally he obtained an interview with Uncle Abe, and stated
+his case.
+
+"Have you applied to Gen. Halleck?" inquired the President.
+
+"And met with a flat refusal," said Judge B.
+
+"Then you must see Stanton," continued Uncle Abe.
+
+"I have, and with the same result," was the reply.
+
+"Well, then," said Uncle Abe, with a smile of good humor, "I can do
+nothing; for you must know _that I have very little influence with this
+Administration_."
+
+
+
+
+A Touching Incident.
+
+The following incident, which occurred at the White House, will appeal
+to every heart. It reveals unmistakably the deep kindness of Uncle Abe's
+character:
+
+"At a reception recently at the White House, many persons present
+noticed three little girls poorly dressed, the children of some mechanic
+or laboring man, who had followed the visitors into the house to gratify
+their curiosity. They were passed from room to room, and were passing
+through the reception room with some trepidation, when Uncle Abe, called
+to them: 'Little girls, are you going to pass me without shaking hands?'
+Then he bent his tall, awkward form down, and shook each little girl
+warmly by the hand. Everybody in the apartment was spellbound by the
+incident, so simple in itself, yet revealing so much of Uncle Abe's
+character."
+
+
+
+
+A Lincoln Man Ducked.
+
+During the canvass between Uncle Abe, and Peter Cartright, the
+celebrated Pioneer Preacher, it chanced that Cartright, was returning to
+his home from the Williamsville and Wiggins Lane settlement. The nearest
+crossing of the Sangamon was at Carpenter's Mills, where there was the
+convenience of a ferry instead of a bridge, as is now the case. Upon the
+hill on the western side of the river, Cartright saw a man elevated upon
+a barrel in front of a little grocery--and on nearing him, he discovered
+that he was giving the Democrats in general, and Uncle Peter Cartright
+in particular, a perfect fusilade of small shots of slang and abuse.
+
+"I tell you, boys, I'm a Whig,--a real Harrison Tippacanoe and Tyler
+too, Whig," said he. "I'm for putting down all these cuss'd locofocos,
+and if we can't vote'em down, why I go for lickin'em' down. There's
+long Abe Lincoln that's runnin' for the Legislature--he's the chap to
+vote for. He's one of the people--split rails and got his edycation by
+moonlight. He don't go round the country prayin' and preachin' like that
+mean Methodist cuss, Peter Cartright, that's runnin' agin him. I'd like
+to know what we wants of a parson to make laws for us? Just elect him,
+and fust you know he'll have a bill into the Legislature, to fine us for
+not goin' to meetin' or for drinkin' a glass of whisky. I'll tell
+you what, if he ever comes round here, I'll just pass him inter the
+Sangamon--certain--sure."
+
+Just here Uncle Peter Cartright enquired for "the ferryman.
+
+"I'm the ferry-man, old hoss," sung out the rustic orator, "and ken
+put ye cross the river in no time." Uncle Peter signified his desire
+to cross, and the twain started towards the ferry boat. The Preacher
+stepping into the boat, hitched his horse to the side, while the
+ferryman shoved out into the stream.
+
+"So you are a Lincoln man?" queried Uncle Peter. "I'm that hoss."
+
+"And so I presume you would douse a Cartright man if you had a chance?"
+
+"I mought do it stranger."
+
+"Certainly you would douse Mr. Cartright?"
+
+"Sure's winkin', old fellow."
+
+"Well Sir, I am Peter Cartright at your service," and before the
+ferryman recovered from his surprise Uncle Peter pitched him into the
+river, took the pole and put himself across the river.
+
+The ferryman did'nt vote for Uncle Peter but he altered his opinion of
+Methodist preachers in general and Uncle Peter in particular.
+
+
+
+
+A Comparison.
+
+One day as Uncle Abe, and a friend were sitting on the House of
+Representatives steps, the session closed, and the members filed out in
+a body. Uncle Abe looked after them with a serious smile. "That reminds
+me," said he, "of a little incident when I was a boy; my flat boat lay
+up at Alton on the Mississippi, for a day, and I strolled about the
+town. I saw a large stone building, with massive stone walls, not
+so handsome though, as this, and while I was looking at it, the iron
+gateway opened, and a great body of men came out. 'What do you call
+that?' I asked a bystander. 'That,' said he, 'is the State Prison, and
+those are all thieves going home. Their time is up.'"
+
+
+
+
+"There's Enough for All."
+
+Uncle Abe was terribly bored by the office seekers, even before the
+Presidential house-warming had scarcely began. The Illinois politicians
+were the most ravenous pap-Suckers of all.
+
+"Just wait a little," said Uncle Abe, "I can assure you, as L------d
+S------t did the swine, 'there's enough for all.'"
+
+"Let us have the story, Uncle Abe," said one of the crowd, who evidently
+expected something rich.
+
+"Why, you see," began Uncle Abe, "I attended court many years ago at
+Mt. Pulaski, the first county seat of Logan County, and there was the
+jolliest set of rollicking young Lawyers there that you ever saw
+together. There was Bill F------n, Bill H------n, L------d S------t, and
+a lot more, and they mixed law and Latin, water and whisky, with equal
+success. It so fell out that the whisky seemed to be possessed of the
+very spirit of Jonah. At any rate, S------t went out to the hog-pen,
+and, leaning over, began to 'throw up Jonah.' The hogs evidently thought
+it feed time, for they rushed forward and began to squabble over the
+voided matter.
+
+"'Don't fight (hic),' said S------t: 'there's enough (hic) for all.'"
+
+--The politicians couldn't see anything to laugh at, although the
+"snubbin" was plain enough.
+
+
+
+
+Making a President.
+
+Uncle Abe, in elucidating his estimate of Presidential honors, tells a
+clever story, as he always does, when he sets about it. It seems that
+Windy Billy, who is a politician of no ordinary pretensions, was a
+candidate for the Consulship of Bayonne, and he urged his appointment
+with the eloquence of a Clay or a Seward. He boasted vociferously of his
+activity in promoting the success of the Republican ticket, and averred
+with his impassioned earnestness that he and he alone had made Uncle Abe
+President.
+
+"Ah!" exclaimed Uncle Abe, "and it was you who made me President, was
+it?" a twinkle in his eye all the time.
+
+"Yes," said Billy, rubbing his hands and throwing out his chest, as a
+baggage-master would a small valise, "yes, I think I may say I am the
+man who made you President."
+
+"Well, Billy, my boy, if that's the case, it's a h--ll of a muss you got
+me into, that's all."
+
+
+
+
+Uncle Abe Boss of the Cabinet.
+
+A prominent Senator was remonstrating with Uncle Abe a few days ago
+about keeping Mr. Chase in his Cabinet, when it was as well known that
+Mr. C. is opposed, tooth and nail, to Uncle Abe's re-election.
+
+"Now, see here," said Uncle Abe, "when I was elected I resolved to hire
+my four Presidential rivals, pay them their wages and be their 'boss.'
+These were Seward, Chase, Cameron and Bates; but I got rid of Cameron
+after he had played himself out. As to discharging Chase or Seward,
+don't talk of it. I pay them their wages and am their boss, and would'nt
+let either of them out on the loose for the fee simple of the Almaden
+patent."
+
+
+
+
+Uncle Peter Cartright's Wonder.
+
+Some of the farmers in and about Saggamon county, Illinois, have been and
+still are so intent on cattle-raising, that the business is a sort
+of cattle-mania. Uncle Peter was one Sunday preaching near a good old
+deacon of this sort, whose piety was somewhat like that of a card-playing
+lady mentioned by Addison, (Spectator No. 7,) who had a set hour for her
+devotions, and if she happened to be at a game, would get a friend to
+"hold her hand" while she said her prayers. Our worthy deacon was rather
+vain of his "gift" praying and saying "blessings" at table. As a matter
+of courtesy, he might occasionally ask a visiting preacher to pray
+or ask a blessing; but he never failed to exhibit his "gift" to his
+visitors. He had a singsong way of "getting it off," at the same time
+beating time with his hands on either side of his plate. On the occasion
+alluded to, he began--"Oh Lord! (thump) bless the creature comforts
+(thump) provided for our (thump) sustenance (thump.) Bless it (thump) to
+our needs (thump) and necessities, (thump). Lead us aright, (thump) but
+if we stray (thump) put us back (thump) into the right path, (thump).
+Bless the stranger (thump) that comes beneath our roof, (thump) and keep
+his feet (thump) in pleasant paths, (thump). What we ask (thump)
+amiss, (thump) withhold; (thump) but grant us what our (thump)
+short-sightedness omits, (thump) and thine be the glory (thump) now and
+for ever, (thump) a------."
+
+And here the old deacon stopped suddenly, opened his eyes, and looking
+across the table, asked:
+
+"Son John, did Mr. Jones settle yet for that Durham cow?"
+
+"Yes, father--it's all right."
+
+"Amen," concluded the deacon.
+
+"Cattle! cattle!" exclaimed Uncle Peter in ill-concealed disgust.
+
+"Why, you can't say your prayers without having cattle running through
+your head; I wonder the Lord don't turn such Christians into cattle!"
+
+
+
+
+Uncle Abe a Shaksperian.
+
+When Uncle Abe was making a plea in one of the county Circuit Courts,
+not far from Springfield, one of the lawyers becoming sensible that he
+was being out-generaled, remarked to Uncle Abe, as he sat down--
+
+"I smell a mice."
+
+"Why don't you quote Shakspeare correctly?" said Uncle Abe.
+
+"Why," said the other, "I was not aware that I Was quoting Shakspeare at
+all."
+
+"Certainly you were, and had you done it properly, it would have been
+more expressive and less vulgar. The correct expression is, 'I smell a
+device.'"
+
+
+
+
+The Running Sickness.
+
+In the Black Hawk war, Uncle Abe belonged to a militia company in the
+service. On a scout, the company encountered the Indians, and in a
+brisk skirmish drove them some miles, when, night coming on, our forces
+encamped. Great was the consternation on discovering that Lincoln was
+missing. His absence or rather his stories, from the bivouac, was a
+misfortune. Suddenly, however, he came into camp. "Maj. Abe, is that
+you? Thought you were killed. Where've you been?" were the startling
+speculations. "Yes," said Uncle Abe, "this is me--ain't killed either."
+
+"But where have you been all the time?"
+
+"Oh, just over there."
+
+"But what were you over there for? Didn't run away, did you?"
+
+"No," said he deliberately, "I don't think I run away; but, after all, I
+reckon if anybody had seen me going, and had been told I was going for a
+doctor, he would have thought somebody was almighty sick."
+
+
+
+
+How to Get Rid of Rats.
+
+So thick had the rats become in Logan County, a few years ago, that the
+means of getting rid of the nuisance was freely discussed. The newly
+organized Agricultural Society, finally concluded to offer three
+premiums for the then largest numbers. The man who took the largest
+prize, exhibited over 1,700 scalps all caught in the space of three
+weeks. At the time these prizes were pending, Uncle Abe attended Court
+there, and Col. L------n, (a considerable gourmand,) by the way, was
+discussing the best way to get rid of the rats, and finally asked Uncle
+Abe's opinion.
+
+"Why," said Uncle Abe, "rats are a 'cunning cattle,' and soon find out
+how things are going. I introduce them to your table as a delicacy, and
+when they find out you are making 'game' of them they will soon give you
+a wide berth."
+
+The Colonel winced under a faint impression; but silently ratified Uncle
+Abe's conclusions. "Yes," chimed in M------, "we might go so far as to
+use their pelts to ornament our winter clothing."
+
+
+
+
+A Palpable Application
+
+On a late occasion, when the White House was open to the public, a
+farmer from one of the border counties of Virginia told Uncle Abe that
+the Union soldiers, in passing his farm, had helped themselves not only
+to hay, but his horses, and he hoped the President would urge the proper
+officer to consider his claim immediately. "Why, my dear sir," replied
+Uncle Abe, blandly, "I couldn't think of such a thing. If I considered
+individual cases, I should find work for twenty Presidents!" Bowie urged
+his needs persistently; Uncle Abe declined good-naturedly. "But," said
+the persevering sufferer, "couldn't you just give me a line to Colonel
+------- about it? just one line?" "Ha, ha, ha!" responded amiable Uncle
+Abe, shaking himself fervently, and crossing his legs the other way,
+"that reminds me of old Jack Chase out in Illinois." At this the crowd
+huddled forward to listen. "You have seen Jack--I knew him like a
+brother--used to be a lumberman on the Illinois, and he was steady
+and sober, and the best raftsman on the river. It was quite a trick
+twenty-five years ago to take the logs over the rapids, but he was
+skillful, with a raft, and always kept her straight in the channel.
+Finally a steamboat was put on, and Jack--he's dead now, poor
+fellow!--was made captain of her. He used to take the wheel going
+through the rapids. One day, when the boat was plunging and wallowing
+along the boiling current, and Jack's utmost vigilance was exercised to
+keep her in the narrow channel, a boy pulled his coat tail, and hailed
+him with, 'Sir, Mister Captain! I wish you'd just stop your boat a
+minute--I've lost my apple overboard!'"
+
+
+
+
+Uncle Abe on the Whisky Question.
+
+A committee, just previous to the fall of Vicksburg, solicitous for the
+_morale_ of our armies, took it upon themselves to visit the President
+and urge the removal of General Grant. .
+
+"What for?" asked Uncle Abe.
+
+"Why," replied the busy-bodies, "he drinks too much whisky."
+
+"Ah!" rejoined Uncle Abe, "can you inform me gentlemen, where General
+Grant procures his whisky?"
+
+The committee confessed they could not.
+
+"Because," added Uncle Abe, with a merry twinkle in his eye, "If I can
+find out, I'll send a barrel of it to every General in the field!"
+
+The delegation retired in reasonable good order.
+
+
+
+
+Edwards vs. Lincoln.
+
+One day soon after Uncle Abe began the canvass with Judge Douglas
+for the United States Senate, Lincoln, an Editor, accosted Nivian W.
+Edwards, (Uncle Abe's brother-in-law,) as Mr. Lincoln himself.
+
+"Well," said Edwards, "I think I must be growing taller and uglier every
+day, for this is the sixth time I've been taken for Abe within a week."
+
+Notwithstanding Edwards was a Democrat and a joker, Uncle Abe made him a
+commissary in the army.
+
+
+
+
+Metalic Ring.
+
+The new practical postal currency have upon the face, a faint oval
+ring of bronze, encircling the vignette. Uncle Abe being asked its use,
+replied that it was a faint attempt on the part of Mr. Chase, to give
+the new currency a metalic ring.
+
+
+
+
+A Grateful Postmaster.
+
+Said a long legged hoosier, on receiving the appointment of Postmaster,
+in Sangamon County, "I tell you Uncle Abe, you're a hoss," "yes replied
+Uncle Abe, a _draft_ horse."
+
+
+
+
+A Serious Joke.
+
+Washington, February 18, 1864
+
+To Wm. Fishback
+
+When I fixed a _plan_ for an election in Arkansas I did it in ignorance
+that your convention was at the same work. Since I learned the latter
+fact I have been constantly trying to yield my _plan_ to theirs. I have
+sent two letters to General Steel, and three or four dispatches to you
+and others, saying that (General Steel,) must be master, but that it
+will probably be best for him to keep the convention on its own _plan_.
+Some single mind must be master, else there will be no agreement on
+any thing; and General Steel, commanding the military, and being on
+the ground, is the best man to be that master. Even now citizens are
+telegraphing me to postpone the election to a later day than either
+fixed by the Convention or me This discord must be silenced.
+
+A. LINCOLN.
+
+A young Massachusetts soldier, named Merrill, writes a Washington
+correspondent, had on ounce ball pass through his head during the battle
+of Fredericksburg. It entered near his right eye and was extracted
+behind his left ear. Another ball would have entered a vital part of his
+body had it not been arrested by a Testament, in which it lodged.
+When this safeguard was shown to Uncle Abe, he sent to the hospital a
+handsome pocket Bible, in which was written: "Charles V. Merrill, Co. A.
+19th Massachusetts, from A. Lincoln."
+
+"Major-General Grant,--Understanding that your lodgment at Chattanooga
+and Knoxville is now secure I wish to tender you, and all under your
+command, my more than thanks--my profoundest gratitude--for the skill,
+courage, and perseverence with which you and they, over so great
+difficulties, have effected that important object. God bless you all!
+
+"A. LINCOLN."
+
+
+
+
+Fix the Date.
+
+Uncle Abe, was conversing with some friends and remarked, "There's
+a good Time coming," a countryman stepped up to Uncle Abe, and said:
+"Mister, you could'nt fix to date, could yous?"
+
+
+
+
+Rival of Uncle Abe.
+
+Old Abe has got off many good things since he left Springfield, but the
+following equals anything which has proceeded from that veteran joker.
+
+"In the Georgia Legislature, Mr. Linton Stephens, brother of the rebel
+Vice President, introduced a resolution in the House of Representatives
+declaring that peace be officially offered to the enemy after every
+Confederate victory."
+
+
+
+
+Uncle Abe's Estimate of the Senate.
+
+Uncle Abe, says that in the Senate, he "owns nine of the Senators and
+one-half of another."
+
+"Who owns the other half?" asked a gentleman to whom Uncle Abe was
+speaking. "Henry Wilson of Massachusetts," replied the Chief Magistrate,
+"Wilson is for me," says the President, "before breakfast; rather
+against me while his digestion is going on after it; loves me like pie
+during the hours which he spends visiting the various departments and
+asking for places and patronage; and bitterly my enemy from seven every
+evening until he goes to bed, drops asleep and commences snoring. Wilson
+is carrying water on both shoulders but I guess he'll get a wetting and
+soil his clothes before he gets through."
+
+
+
+
+"Thought he Must be Good for Something."
+
+An Illinois man who had known the "boy Mayor," John Hay, from boyhood,
+was expressing to Uncle Abe, after the massacre at Olustee, some regret
+that he should have supposed him capable of any military position.
+
+"About Hay," said Uncle Abe, "the fact was, I was pretty much like
+Jim Hawks, out in Illinois, who sold a dog to a hunting neighbor, as
+a first-rate coon dog. A few days after, the fellow brought him back,
+saying he 'wasn't worth a cuss for coons.' 'Well,' said Jim, I tried him
+for everything else, and he wasn't worth a d----n, and so I thought he
+_must_ be good for coons.'"
+
+
+
+
+Aptly Said.
+
+To a man who was condoling Uncle Abe on the disaster at Olustee, and
+suggesting how it might have been prevented, he said:
+
+"Your remarks are well intended, doubtless; but they do little less than
+aggravate a thing which I can't help thinking might have been helped.
+It reminds me of a story that I read when I was a boy. An old fellow who
+had clambered rather high into an apple tree, fell and broke his arm.
+A sympathizing and philosophic neighbor, seeing his mishap, went to his
+aid. 'Ah,' said he, 'if you had followed my plan you would have escaped
+this.' 'Indeed, what is your plan?' enquired the groaning man. 'Why,
+never to let go both hands, till you get one hold somewhere else.'"
+
+The would-be Brigadier saw the point, and left.
+
+"I see you've got to the sticking point at last," as the Democrat
+remarked to a slippery Republican, whose team had gone into the ground
+up to the hub.
+
+"They have gone up every Creek and Bayou where it was a little damp."
+
+"Linkums" Sold Cheap.
+
+Daring the Presidential contest of 1860, there was an Italian artist
+of plaster figures in Springfield, who supplied "leetel Linkums," as
+he called his figures, faster than ever Uncle Abe did. He succeeded in
+putting one of these Republican penates into every Republican house in
+town, but they finally became a "drug" in the market. However, he kept
+his "asking price" up; but his selling price was as various as his
+buyers, and hard to deal with.
+
+One day, with a load of these upon his head, he entered a jeweller's
+shop, and accosted the man behind the counter with-- *
+
+"You buys'em leetel Linkums?"
+
+"No--don't want'em."
+
+"Sells'em cheap," persisted the Italian.
+
+"Well, how do you sell to-day?"
+
+"Fifty cent piece."
+
+"I'll give you a dollar for the lot," said A------, expecting to pose
+the Italian.
+
+"You takes'em," greedily exclaimed the artist, and he left Mr. L. A.
+A------n with a lot of plaster on hand which he had hard work to give
+away.
+
+"There's an odor of nationality about those bills, said Secretary Chase,
+showing a lot of the firstlings of his greenbacks to Uncle Abe.
+
+"A very good figure of speech," replied Uncle Abe, "but you must not get
+too many under the public nostril, or your figure of speech will be an
+odor of fact."
+
+April 1, 1862, greenbacks, 100. April 1, 1864, greenbacks, 55.
+
+
+
+
+Uncle Abe as a Pilot.
+
+The captain of one of the Mississippi river steamers one morning, while
+his boat was lying at her moorings at New Orleans, waiting for the tardy
+pilot, who, it appears, was a rather uncertain sort of fellow, saw a
+tall, gaunt Sucker make his appearance before the captain's office, and
+sing out--
+
+"Hello, cap'n! you don't want a pilot nor nothin' about this 'ere craft,
+do ye?"
+
+"How do you know I don't?" responded the captain.
+
+"Oh, you don't understand; I axed you s'posin' you did?"
+
+"Then, supposing I do, what of it?"
+
+"Well," said Uncle Abe, for it was he, "I reckon I know suthin' about
+that ere sort o' business, provided you wanted a feller of jest about my
+size."
+
+The captain gave him a scrutinising glance, and with an expression of
+countenance which seemed to say, "I should pity the steamer that you
+piloted," asked--
+
+"Are you acquainted with the river, and do you know where the snags
+are?"
+
+"Well, ye-as," responded Uncle Abe rather hesitatingly, "I'm pretty well
+acquainted with the river, but the snags, I don't know exactly so much
+about them."
+
+"Don't know about the snags?" exclaimed the captain, contemptuously,
+"don't know about the snags! You'd make a pretty pilot!"
+
+At this Uncle Abe's countenance assumed anything but an angelic
+expression, and with a darkened brow and a fiercely flashing eye, he
+drew himself up to his full height, and indignantly roared back in a
+voice of thunder:
+
+"What do I want to know where the snags are for, old sea-hoss? I know
+where they ain't, and there's where I do my sailing!"
+
+It is sufficient to know that Uncle Abe was promptly engaged, and that
+the captain takes pleasure in saying that he proved himself one of the
+best pilots on the river.
+
+(Wonder if Uncle Abe has forgotten how to sail in clear water? A. A.)
+
+
+
+
+Uncle Abe's Valentine.
+
+Uncle Abe on the 14th of last February, received a valentine in the
+shape of a picture of the American eagle, with a financial allusion. The
+bird of freedom appeared to be engaged in picking up gold coin, while
+at the end of the bird most remote from his head there was a pile of
+"green-backs," into which this coin seemed to have been mysteriously
+transmuted.
+
+Uncle Abe, who takes such things philosophically, and always
+acknowledges a palpable hit with grace and good natured cheerfulness,
+went to his Secretary of the Treasury, to exhibit his bird, in order
+that the latter might enjoy the joke with him. Mr. Chase, however, was
+not disposed to take the matter in the same spirit Uncle Abe did; but
+appeared to be much out of humor at this hieroglyphical attack upon his
+department of the government. In tones in which there was evidently a
+slight admixture of irritability, he remarked to Uncle Abe that he would
+like to know who had made this unwarrantable attack upon his financial
+management of the affairs of the nation--that he feared that some of his
+subordinates had got up this libel upon him, and that he would give
+a hundred dollars to know who had done it. Uncle Abe? whose
+question-asking proclivities are well known, said that the offer seemed
+liberal; "but, Mr. Chase," said he, "before I shall make up my mind on
+this subject, will you allow me to ask you one question?" "Certainly,"
+replied the Secretary. "I merely wanted to understand," said Uncle Abe,
+"at which end of the bird you propose to pay?"
+
+"'Et tu Brute?'" responded the head of the Treasury department. "If I am
+thus to be made the subject of ridicule, I must renew my application to
+be relieved from my duties as Secretary."
+
+"O, never mind! never mind! Mr. Secretary," said Uncle Abe, "we can
+soon remedy all these difficulties. All we have to do, after we have
+suppressed this rebellion, is to turn the bird end for end, and let
+the gold and 'greenbacks' remain just as they are and all will come
+out right." The Secretary, restored to good humor, agreed not to resign
+unless Seward did.
+
+"That reminds me of a little story."
+
+
+
+
+"My Mary Ann."
+
+Many months ago the post commander at Cairo was a certain West Point
+colonel of a Northwestern regiment, noted for his soldierly qualities
+and rigid discipline. One day he passed by the barracks and heard a
+group of soldiers singing the well-known street piece, "My Mary Ann."
+An angry shade crossed his brow, and he forthwith ordered the men to
+be placed in the guard-house, where they remained all night The next
+morning he visited them, when one ventured to ask the cause of their
+confinement.
+
+"Cause enough," said the rigid colonel; "you were singing a song in
+derision of Mrs. Colonel B------."
+
+The men replied by roars of laughter, and it was some time before the
+choler of the Colonel could be sufficiently subdued to understand that
+the song was an old one, and sung by half the school-boys in the land,
+or the risibles of the men be calmed down to learn that the colonel's
+wife rejoiced in the name of "Mary Ann."
+
+Uncle Abe made the Colonel a Brigadier the moment he heard this story.
+
+
+
+
+Uncle Abe's Honor.
+
+At one time Uncle Abe aspired to a position on the bench, and Mrs.
+Lincoln, so as to be prepared for the event, practiced the habit of
+calling her husband "his Honor," or "your Honor," as the case might be.
+Uncle Abe never, however, succeeded to the dignity of the ermine; but
+attending Circuit at Chicago, and stopping at the -------- Hotel, Mrs.
+L. accompanied her husband, as was her custom. Uncle Abe had donned a
+bran new pair of boots, which were anything but comfortable, and almost
+as uncertain as a pair of skates to a learner on the keenest of ice.
+Mrs. Lincoln was enjoying herself in the parlor in a chit-chat with a
+number of other ladies, and putting on as many airs as her provincial
+position in Springfield would admit, when a strange, rumbling sound
+disturbed the pleasant company, who rushed out to learn what was the
+matter. Lo and behold! there was Uncle Abe in the undignified
+predicament of tumbling down stairs and bumping the end of his spine
+upon every step. The new boots, or the swig of forty-rod which he had
+taken in his bed-room, had proved traitor to him. Mrs. Lincoln was
+nearly non-plussed, but exclaimed in a consoling voice, "Is your Honor
+hurt?"
+
+"No," said Uncle Abe, sitting gracefully on the carpet, with legs spread
+out amidst the bevy of tittering damsels, and rubbing the seat of his
+trowsers, "No, my honor is not hurt but my--my--my head is!"
+
+
+
+
+"Smoke That."
+
+During the session of the Legislature of Illinois, in 1836-7, the
+Sangamon County delegation of nine members, became known as the "Long
+Nine," from the fact of their remarkable average height. In this
+delegation were Uncle Abe, Gen. Baker, (killed at Bull's Bluff,) N. W.
+Edwards, (brother-in-law of Uncle Abe, and now Captain commissary,) and
+some others of note in their day. A law had passed the previous session
+to remove the capital from Vandalia to Springfield, to be carried out
+as soon as a new capitol could be built. In the meantime, Gen. W. L. D.
+Ewing, an influential Egyptian member, made periodical efforts to repeal
+the law and keep the capital at Vandalia. During the session of 1837,
+we had a regular tilt with the "long nine," during which, whenever Uncle
+Abe or Gen. Baker made a point, Ewing would be saluted with the cry
+"smoke that!" in allusion to "long nines," a popular kind of cigars used
+at that day. This probably gave rise to saying, "put that in your pipe
+and smoke it."
+
+
+
+
+A Sufficient Reason.
+
+Some one recently asked Uncle Abe why he didn't promote merit? "Because
+merit never helped promote me," said our Uncle Abe.
+
+
+
+
+The Boy and the Bear.
+
+A committee of the enemies of Mr. Chase called on the President just
+after the Pomroy circular was sent forth and advised him to purify his
+cabinet and let Chase go. Old Abe replied that "it is not so easy a
+thing to let Chase go. I am situated very much as the boy was who held
+the bear by the hind legs. I will tell you how it was. There was a very
+vicious bear which, after being some time chased by a couple of boys,
+turned upon his pursuers. The boldest of the two ran up and caught the
+bear by the hind legs, while the other climbed up into a little tree,
+and complacently witnessed the conflict going on beneath, between the
+bear and his companion. The tussel was a sharp one, and the boy, after
+becoming quite exhausted, cried out in alarm, 'Bill, for God's sake
+come down and help me let this darned bear go!' Now, gentlemen," said
+Mr. Lincoln, "you see what a fix I am in--it may be dangerous to hold on
+to Chase, but it will require more assistance than I see at present, to
+help me let him go."
+
+
+
+
+Too Deep.
+
+During the Black Hawk war, when the valiant Illinoisians were in
+hasty retreat from what they thought certain scalping, and the roads
+exclusively bad, in fact, unfathomable mud.--In this predicament,
+the corps in which Uncle Abe was, became somewhat scattered, when the
+officer commanding, called out to the men to form _two deep_. "Blast
+me!" shouted Abe from a slough, in which he was nearly buried, "I am too
+deep already; I am up to the neck."
+
+
+
+
+Uncle Abe's First Speech.
+
+When Uncle Abe first made his appearance in the Illinois House of
+Representatives, and was desirous of delivering his sentiments on a
+certain measure, he rose and began:--"Mr. Speaker, _I conceive_----" but
+could go no further. Thrice he repeated unsuccessfully the same attempt;
+when Douglas, who had more confidence, and had been a year longer in the
+House, completely dumbfounded Abe by saying: "Mr. Speaker, The honorable
+gentleman has _conceived three times, and brought forth nothing._"
+
+
+
+
+Cute.
+
+One night Uncle Abe came wet and cold to a cross road tavern in Indiana,
+and found the fire more thoroughly blockaded with Hoosiers than mother
+Welles has been able to blockade the Southern Confederacy. Abe ordered
+the landlord to carry his horse a peck of catfish. "He can't eat
+catfish," said Boniface. "Try him," said Abe, "there's nothing like
+trying." The crowd all rushed after the landlord to see Abe's horse
+eat the peck of catfish. "He won't eat them, as I told you," said the
+landlord, on returning. "Then," coolly responded Uncle Abe, who had
+squatted on the best seat, "bring them to me and I'll eat them myself."
+
+
+
+
+Abe's Spelling.
+
+Being asked by a client in Springfield why he spelled so badly in his
+law papers, Uncle Abe replied, "Because, the Suckers are so cussed mean
+they won't pay for good spelling."
+
+
+
+
+A Soldier's Theory of the War.
+
+The soldiers at Helena, in Arkansas, used to amuse the inhabitants of
+that place, on their first arrival, by telling them yarns, of which the
+following is a sample:
+
+"Some time ago Jeff. Davis got tired of the war and invited President
+Lincoln to meet him on neutral ground to discuss terms of peace. They
+met accordingly, and after a talk, concluded to settle the war by
+dividing the territory and stopping the fighting. The North took the
+Northern States, and the South the Gulf and seaboard Southern States.
+Lincoln took Texas and Missouri, and Davis Kentucky and Tennessee; so
+that all were parcelled off excepting Arkansas. Lincoln did'nt want
+it--Jeff, would'nt have it. Neither would consent to take it, and on
+that they split; and the war has been going on ever since."
+
+
+
+
+Nigger Mathematics.
+
+Uncle Abe was lately visited by one of the "On to Richmond" sword of
+Gideon gentry, who confidently expressed the hope, so common among the
+Abolition noodles, that Lee's army would be "bagged." Uncle Abe grinned
+to the utmost of his classic mouth, and remarked that he was afraid
+there would be too much "nigger mathematics" in it. The visitor smiled
+at the allusion, as he felt bound in politeness to do supposing there
+must be something in it, though he could not see the point. "But I
+suppose you don't know what 'nigger mathematics' is," continued Uncle
+Abe. "Lay down your hat a minute, and I'll tell you." He, himself,
+resumed the sitting posture leaned back in his chair, elevated his heels
+on the table, and went on with his story. "There was a darkey in my
+neighborhood, called Pompey, who, from a certain quickness in figuring
+up the prices of chickens and vegetables, got the reputation of being a
+mathematical genius. Johnson, a darkey preacher, heard of Pompey, and
+called to see him. 'Here ye're a great mat'm'tishum, Pompey.' 'Yes sar,
+you jas try.' 'Well Pompey, Ize compound a problem in mat'matics.' 'All
+right, sar.' 'Now, Pompey, spose dere am tree pigeons sittin' on a rail
+fence, and you fire a gun at'em and shoot one, how many's left?' 'Two,
+ob cooors,' replies Pompey after a little wool scratching. 'Ya-ya-ya,'
+laughs Mr. Johnson; 'I knowed you was a fool, Pompey; dere's _none_
+left--one's dead, and d'udder two's flown away.' "That's what makes me
+say," continued Uncle Abe, "that I am afraid there was too much nigger
+mathematics in the Pennsylvania campaign." And the result showed that in
+this instance, at least, the anecdote suited the fact. Lee's army was
+then three pigeons. One of them was taken down at Gettysburg, but the
+other two flew off over the Potomac.
+
+
+
+
+Long and Short of it.
+
+"Here I am, and here is Mrs. Lincoln, and that's the long and short
+of it."--_Speech of Mr. Lincoln from the balcony of the White House at
+Washington_.
+
+
+
+
+A Handy Faculty.
+
+Whilst Uncle Abe was passing, in his flat-boat, a small town on the
+Wabash, an old chum accosted him from shore thus:--
+
+"Uncle Abe, are you asleep?"
+
+"Why?"
+
+"Because, I want to borrow some whiskey."
+
+"Then" said Abe, "_I am asleep._"
+
+And he rolled over drowsily on the flat-boat, and it passed on.
+
+
+
+
+Uncle Abe on Time.
+
+A Methodist dominie was lecturing Abe on his love of gambling. "Ah
+Abraham, it is a grievous sin--in the first place, consider the loss of
+time."
+
+"Yes," replied Uncle Abe, "I have often begrudged the loss of time--in
+_shuffling and dealing_."
+
+
+
+
+A Story that had no Reminder.
+
+During a conversation which took place between Uncle Abe and a
+distinguished western senator, the recent legislative nominations for
+the next presidency were incidentally referred to. "Yes," said Uncle
+Abe, nursing his leg with evident gratification--"yes senator, the
+current seems to be setting all one way!"
+
+"It does, really, seem to be setting all one way," was the answer of
+the senator; "but, Mr. Lincoln, as you have told me several good stories
+since I have been here, permit me if you please, to tell _you_ one.
+It has always been observed that the Atlantic Ocean, at the Straits
+of Gibraltar, constantly pours into the Mediterranean with tremendous
+volume. The Bosphorus empties into it, at its other end, and rivers are
+seen contributing to its waters all along its coast. It was for many
+years the constant puzzle of geographers, why the Mediterranean, under
+all these accessions, never got full, and overran its banks. After a
+while, however, a curious fellow took the notion of dropping a plummet
+in the center of the Straits, when, lo! he discovered that, though the
+tremendous body of water on the surface was rushing inward from the
+ocean, a still more powerful body was passing outward, in a counter
+current, some twenty feet below!"
+
+"Oh, ah!" said Uncle Abe, seriously, evidently nonplussed, for the first
+time in his life; "that _does not_ remind me of any story I ever heard
+before!"
+
+
+
+
+Has it "Gin Out?"
+
+We do not know what joke Uncle Abe made when he heard the news of the
+surrender of Plymouth. In regard to the Fort Pillow affair he made
+a Bunsby speech, but no joke. His last joke, of which we have any
+knowledge, occurred when Secretary Chase was starting on his trip to
+New York. Uncle Abe is like Cromwell without his military genius, and is
+very fond of playing practical jokes on his associates. It is said that
+after Cromwell had signed the warrant for the execution of King Charles
+he turned round to one of his colleagues and smeared his face with the
+ink. This he thought capital fun. Uncle Abe's jokes are of about the
+same quality. When Chase called upon him to say good bye, the Secretary
+of the Treasury asked for some information about the probable end of
+the war, saying it would help him greatly in getting more money in Wall
+street. "Do you want more money?" asked Lincoln, and then quickly added,
+"What! has the printing machine gin out?" This joke is fully equal to
+Cromwell's.
+
+
+
+
+A Major
+
+At one of Uncle Abe's levees recently, among the Company was a
+Pennsylvania Avenue tailor whom Abe recognized but could not name. "My
+dear Sir} I remember your face, but I forget your name," said Uncle Abe.
+The knight of the needle whispered confidentially into Uncle Abe's ear.
+"I made your breeches." Uncle Abe took him most affectionately by the
+hand and exclaimed enthusiastically "Major Breeches, I am happy to meet
+you at the White House!"
+
+
+
+
+A Dry Drop.
+
+A refugee from Richmond was telling Uncle Abe of the sad state of
+affairs reigning there. Among other things he said liquor was so scarce
+that the rebel President himself could scarcely get a drop to drink.
+
+"He ought not to have a drop _to drink_ in this world or the next," said
+Uncle Abe.
+
+"You are rather severe," replied the refugee.
+
+"Well," said Uncle Abe, "if you think a drop would do him good, let it
+be a drop from the scaffold."
+
+
+
+
+Uncle Abe as a Physiognomist.
+
+While the western governors were in conversation the other day, one of
+them asked him if he remembered a certain Major of the ------ Illinois
+regiment.
+
+Uncle Abe replied that "he could'nt say that he did." The gentleman
+who addressed him then tried to jog the executive memory a little by
+mentioning a circumstance or two connected with the Major's history.
+Finally Uncle Abe remembered him very well--which fact he stated in
+the following graphic language: "O yes, I know who you mean. _It's that
+turkey egg faced fellow that you'd think did'nt know as much as a last
+year's bird's nest_." This was the very individual referred to. It will
+be seen that Uncle Abe has other fortes than statesmanship--and that of
+a physiognoist is one of them.
+
+
+
+
+The Concrete vs. the Abstract.
+
+Dick Yates, the jolly Governor of the Suckers, tells that he called
+on Uncle Abe one morning when he was trying to get the 88,000
+"Hundredazers" accepted, and that during their interview Uncle Abe
+remarked: "Yates, I'll tell you the difference between the concrete and
+the abstract. When the Senate passed a resolution requesting me not to
+appoint any more Brigadiers, as the vacancies were all full, that's the
+concrete. But when a Senator comes up here with a long petition and a
+longer face, requesting me to make a brigadier out of some scallawag of
+a friend of his, as it happens every day--I call that the abstract."
+
+
+
+
+Symptoms of Civilization.
+
+Uncle Abe and his chums were wrecked and swamped once on a trip to
+New Orleans, and having waded ashore, were in search of shelter and
+refreshment, without much prospect of success, in a thickly timbered
+bottom. They had traveled through the forest a long distance, and were
+in despair of finding any human habitation, when they discovered a negro
+hanging on the projecting limb of a tree. "The joy," said Abe, when
+telling the adventure, "which this cheering view excited, cannot be
+described, for it convinced us that we were in a _civilized country._"
+
+
+
+
+Uncle Abe goes into Partnership.
+
+In the days when Uncle Abe plied the flat-boat business on the Wabash
+and Sangamon, he made it a practice to troll for catfish and dispose
+of them to the planters in Mississippi, when passing their plantations.
+This brought him quite a revenue, which was always expended for "forty
+rod" whisky, or the fish were traded off direct for that fluid chain
+lightning. Once while passing the plantation of Mr. Percy, he was bound
+to have some forty rod, and went ashore with a fine lot of fish. A large
+party were assembled at the mansion of the aristocratic Percy; when
+Julius Cæsar informed him that Uncle Abe was below with some very fine
+fish. "Well," said Percy, "give him his forty rod as usual, and let him
+go."
+
+"But sah, he won't take it dis time," said the darkey, "he wants a
+hundred lashes on the bare back, well laid on massa." Uncle Abe insisted
+to the surprise of every one on this strange price for his fish, and Mr.
+Percy to humor him, complied, directing the overseer to cut him gently.
+When Uncle Abe had received the fiftieth lash, he cried, "Hold! I have
+got a partner in this business, to whom I have engaged to give half of
+whatever I should get for the fish--this overseer would not admit me
+only on that condition." O course the overseer had his share well paid,
+and Abe got his forty-rod as usual, with something added.
+
+
+
+
+Abe Passing Counterfeit Money.
+
+
+One day a poor woman ran into Uncle Abe's law office in great fright
+exclaiming:--
+
+"Oh, Mr. Lincoln, my boy has swallowed a penny!"
+
+"Was it a counterfeit," coolly asked Mr. Lincoln.
+
+"No, certainly not," replied the woman, somewhat indignantly.
+
+"Oh! well, then _it will pass_, of course," said Uncle Abe.
+
+It is hardly necessary to add that the anxious mother went home
+comforted and that the boy who "swallowed the penny," at the last
+Presidentia-election voted for "Honest Old Abe."
+
+
+
+
+The Wrong Man Poulticed.
+
+At the famous watering place, of the Blue Lick Springs, Uncle Abe
+was severely afflicted with a pain in the stomach, which neither gin
+cock-tails nor other cordials could remove. It was night and he was in
+bed. His loving wife, unwilling to awake the domestics, descended to
+the kitchen, and prepared mustard poultice, which she spread on her own
+handkerchief, and proceeded with it to the distressed Uncle Abe. Before
+leaving him, she left a light dimly burning in the apartment; but deeply
+impressed with anxiety, she was not as careful as she might have been in
+noting the number of her room.
+
+Guided by a light which she saw shining in a chamber, and which she
+supposed was the one she had left, she entered, and gently raising the
+bed clothes, &c., laid the warm poultice upon a stomach but not the
+stomach of Uncle Abe.
+
+"Hello there! What the -------- are you about?" shouted a voice of
+thunder, and the body and sleeves? whence it issued, sprang out of bed.
+
+The lady screamed and ran; Uncle Abe rushed to the rescue from the next
+room, the waiters joined and a small scene ensued, much to the amusement
+of all concerned. The poulticed gentleman had indiscreetly left a light
+in his room, and this lured the lady from her path.
+
+Uncle Abe was so amused and excited by the mistake that he quite forgot
+his pains; but early the next morning, with his wife and trunks,
+left for Springfield, 111. The poulticed man still retains the
+handkerchief--a beautiful cambric--with the lady's name on it, the
+initials of Frances Amelia E. Todd.
+
+
+
+
+Uncle Abe as School Superintendent.
+
+When Uncle Abe kept grocery on the Sangamon he was elected as School
+Superintendent out of his district. It was his duty to examine the
+applicant teachers on mathematics; which he once did in this wise in his
+grocery store. "If two pigs weigh twenty pounds how much will a large
+hog weigh."
+
+"Jump into the scales," said the weilder of the birch, "and I'll soon tell
+you."
+
+Abe did not examine him further in mathematics.
+
+
+
+
+Uncle Abe's Nose.
+
+Uncle Abe being asked once why he walked so crookedly? said, "Oh my
+nose, you see, is crooked, and I have to follow it!"
+
+
+
+
+Take Away the Fowls.
+
+After Uncle Abe had studied law some time and whilst travelling in the
+Prairie country in Knox County, Illinois, he stopped at the house of
+Mrs. Galt, an old Scotch lady whose husband was largely engaged in wool
+growing. Abe at this time was beginning to be proud of his learning,
+especially of his pronunciation of English. Mrs. Galt when dinner was
+over desired the servant in waiting to take away the fowls, which she,
+(as is sometimes done in Scotland), pronounced _fools_, "I presume,
+madam, you mean fowls" said Abe rather sententiously. "Very well, be it
+so," said Mrs. Galt; "take away the _fowls_, but let the _fool_ remain!"
+
+
+
+
+Uncle Abe Well Fed.
+
+Old Whitey, Abe's school master, said to him angrily one day, "Abraham
+you are better fed than taught!"
+
+"Should think I was," said Abe, "as I feed myself and you teach me!"
+
+Uncle Abe says there is a good deal of the devil in the Rebels. They
+sometimes fight like him, frequently run like him, and always lie like
+him.
+
+
+
+
+A Man of Means.
+
+Uncle Abe was asked by a client whether his neighbor Brown was "a man of
+means."
+
+"Well I reckon he ought to be," said Abe, "for he is just the meanest
+man in Springfield."
+
+
+
+
+Call Again.
+
+When Uncle Abe was taken sick recently, and Mrs Lincoln had sent for
+the doctor; Uncle Abe, having an aversion to physic, said, he had better
+call another time, as he was too sick then to joke with him.
+
+
+
+
+Uncle Abe Swapped when a Baby.
+
+Abe when asked whether he could account for his excessive homeliness
+said "when I was two months old I was the handsomest child in Kentuck,
+but my nigger nurse swapped me off for another boy just to please
+a friend who was going down the river whose child was rather plain
+looking."
+
+
+
+
+Hit at Antietam.
+
+Another story of Uncle Abe, too good to be lost, has leaked out. It
+seems he had accompanied a young lady to one of the hospitals in
+the capitol where the sympathizing creature, as in duty bound became
+interested in a wounded soldier. To all her inquiries as to the location
+of the wound, however, she could only get one reply, thus: "My good
+fellow where were you hit!"
+
+"At Antietam."
+
+"Yes, but where did the bullet strike you?"
+
+"At Antietam."
+
+"But where did it hit you!"
+
+"At Antietam." Becoming discouraged, she deputized Uncle Abe to
+prosecute the inquiry, which he did successfully Upon his rejoining her,
+she was more curious than, ever, when the President, taking both her
+hands in his said in his most impressive style. "My dear girl, the ball
+that hit _him_, would not have injured _you_."
+
+
+
+
+A Poor Crop.
+
+An old acquaintance of Uncle Abe's called upon him a short time since
+with the view to getting hold of a contract. Uncle Abe told him that
+contracts were not what they were in Cameron's time. "In fact," said he,
+"they remind me now of a piece of meadow land on the Sangamon bottoms
+during a drouth."
+
+"How was that?" said the Sucker--"Why," said Abe, looking rather
+quizical, "the grass was so short that they had to lather before they
+could mow it."
+
+
+
+
+Handy in Case of Emergencies.
+
+During the fall of 1863, Uncle Abe was riding on the Virginia side of
+the Potomac, between Arlington Heights and Alexandria, accompanied by
+Dr. N-------- of New Jersey. Passing the huge earth-work fortifications,
+the Doctor observed: "Mr. President, I have never yet been enabled to
+discover the utility of constructing and maintaining those forts. What
+is your opinion about them?"
+
+"Well doctor," replied Uncle Abe, "you are a medical man! and I will ask
+you a question in the line of your profession. Can you tell me the use
+of a man's nipples?"
+
+"No I can't" said the doctor "Well I can tell you," said Uncle
+Abe,--"They would be mighty handy if he happened to have a child."
+
+
+
+
+Value of a Reputation.
+
+A client of Uncle Abe's was tried for stealing, in Springfield,
+Illinois, when it was satisfactorily proven that he had acknowledged the
+theft to several persons. Uncle Abe argued in behalf of his client that
+he was such an abominable liar that no one could believe him and the
+jury ought not to. The judge charged against the prisoner, but to his
+astonishment the jury brought in a verdict that the accused was entirely
+unworthy of belief; and he was therefore acquitted.
+
+
+
+
+Didn't Like the Name.
+
+A young U. S. Officer being indicted at Chicago, for an assault on
+an aged gentleman, Uncle Abe began to open the case thus: "this is an
+indictment against a soldier for assaulting an old man."
+
+"Sir," indignantly interrupted the defendant, "I am no soldier, I am an
+officer!"
+
+"I beg your pardon," said Abe, grinning blandly; "then, gentlemen of the
+jury, this is an indictment against _an officer_, who is _no soldier_,
+for assaulting an old man."
+
+
+
+
+Uncle Abe's Good Bye.
+
+When Uncle Abe joined the Sangamon Militia and entered on the Black Hawk
+war campaign, his Colonel was a small snipe of a fellow about four feet
+three inches. Physically, of course, Uncle Abe looked down upon his
+Colonel. Abe had rather a slouching look and gait at that time, and
+attracted by his awkward appearance, the dapper little Colonel thus
+saluted the future Executive and manufacturer of both Colonels and
+Brigadiers. "Come, Uncle Abe, hold up your head; higher, fellow!"
+
+"Yes sir."
+
+"Higher, fellow--higher." Abe stretched his lank neck to its greatest
+altitudinous tension and said, "What--so, Sir?"
+
+"Yes, fellow, a little higher."
+
+"And am I always to remain so?"
+
+"Yes, fellow, certainly!"
+
+"Then," said Uncle Abe, with a woeful countenance, "good bye, Colonel,
+for I shall never see _you again!_"
+
+
+
+
+Uncle Abe's Last.
+
+Yesterday a Western correspondent, in search for something definite in
+relation to the fighting now going on, stepped into the White House and
+asked the President if he had anything authentic from Gen. Grant.
+The President stated that he had not, as Grant, was like the man that
+climbed the pole and then pulled the pole up after him.-- _Washington
+Union, May 16_.
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 45386 ***
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-      Lincolniana, by Andrew Adderup

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-<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 45386 ***</div>

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-    <h1>

-      LINCOLNIANA

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-    <h3>

-      OR THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE

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-    <h2>

-      By ANDREW ADDERUP

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-    <h4>

-      1864

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-      <br /><br />

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-      <b>CONTENTS</b>

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-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_PREF"> Preface </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> LINCOLNIANA; OR, THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE, </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> The Wrong Pig by the Ear. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> "Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln Live." </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> Too Literal Obedience. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> How Uncle Abe Felt. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> P.P.P. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> Rattaned for a Rat Joke. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> The State House Struck by Whiggery. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> Graphic and True. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> A Judge of the Post Office. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> I'm an Inderlid. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> How Uncle Abe got his Sobriquet. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> "I'll take Number Eleven too." </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> A Severe Retort. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> Had all the Time there Was. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> Could Stand it a Day or Two, </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> Not the Worst of it. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0019"> Accoutred en Militaire. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> Perils of Illinois Lawyers. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> Couldn't Make a Presidential Chair. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> "Couldn't see It in that Light." </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> Too Tough for the Rebels. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0024"> Little Mac Helped by an Illustration. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> An Acre of Fight. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0026"> Uncle Abe Believes in the Intelligence of

-      Oysters. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> An Egyptian Snake Story </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> Why Uncle Abe Made a Brigadier. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> Uncle Abe Puzzled. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0030"> Uncle Abe Divided on a Question. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0031"> Tried for Scaring the Girls. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0032"> "Thank God for the Sassengers." </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0033"> Was'nt Murder After All. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0034"> Joe Reed's Mule Hunt. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0035"> Has no Influence with the Administration. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0036"> A Touching Incident. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0037"> A Lincoln Man Ducked. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0038"> A Comparison. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0039"> "There's Enough for All." </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0040"> Making a President. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0041"> Uncle Abe Boss of the Cabinet. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0042"> Uncle Peter Cartright's Wonder. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0043"> Uncle Abe a Shaksperian. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0044"> The Running Sickness. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0045"> How to Get Rid of Rats. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0046"> A Palpable Application </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0047"> Uncle Abe on the Whisky Question. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0048"> Edwards vs. Lincoln. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0049"> Metalic Ring. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0050"> A Grateful Postmaster. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0051"> A Serious Joke. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0052"> Fix the Date. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0053"> Rival of Uncle Abe. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0054"> Uncle Abe's Estimate of the Senate. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0055"> "Thought he Must be Good for Something." </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0056"> Aptly Said. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0057"> Uncle Abe as a Pilot. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0058"> Uncle Abe's Valentine. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0059"> "My Mary Ann." </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0060"> Uncle Abe's Honor. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0061"> "Smoke That." </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0062"> A Sufficient Reason. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0063"> The Boy and the Bear. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0064"> Too Deep. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0065"> Uncle Abe's First Speech. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0066"> Cute. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0067"> Abe's Spelling. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0068"> A Soldier's Theory of the War. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0069"> Nigger Mathematics. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0070"> Long and Short of it. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0071"> A Handy Faculty. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0072"> Uncle Abe on Time. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0073"> A Story that had no Reminder. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0074"> Has it "Gin Out?" </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0075"> A Major </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0076"> A Dry Drop. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0077"> Uncle Abe as a Physiognomist. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0078"> The Concrete vs. the Abstract. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0079"> Symptoms of Civilization. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0080"> Uncle Abe goes into Partnership. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0081"> Abe Passing Counterfeit Money. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0082"> The Wrong Man Poulticed. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0083"> Uncle Abe as School Superintendent. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0084"> Uncle Abe's Nose. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0085"> Take Away the Fowls. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0086"> Uncle Abe Well Fed. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0087"> A Man of Means. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0088"> Call Again. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0089"> Uncle Abe Swapped when a Baby. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0090"> Hit at Antietam. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0091"> A Poor Crop. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0092"> Handy in Case of Emergencies. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0093"> Value of a Reputation. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0094"> Didn't Like the Name. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0095"> Uncle Abe's Good Bye. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0096"> Uncle Abe's Last. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_PREF" id="link2H_PREF"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Preface

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Is Joe Miller "complete?" I doubt it, maugre the pretenses of title-pages.

-      An old joke is sometimes like a piece of painted glass in a kaleidoscope&mdash;every

-      turn gives it a new aspect, and the new view is sometimes taken for the

-      original phase. Perhaps this is true of some herein, although I am

-      unconscious of that being so. If the accusation be made, try Uncle Abe

-      first, for he is used to trials. As for me, I shall plead my privilege of

-      telling you "the tale as it was told to me." But if these "little jokes"

-      be not "sworn upon" for Miller, they shall stand for Uncle Abe&mdash;the

-      writer hereof claiming only a godfathership. And others shall follow as

-      fast as I glean them. To aid this purpose, let everybody who has a "good

-      thing" send it to the publisher of this, and duly it will appear in the

-      "complete" edition of Uncle Abe's jokes, always excepting the last, for

-      the act of dying over will remind him of some little story with a <i>hic

-      jacet</i> moral.

-    </p>

-    <h3>

-      ANDREW ADDERUP.

-    </h3>

-    <p>

-      Springfield, Ill., April 1, 1864.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h1>

-      LINCOLNIANA; OR, THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE,

-    </h1>

-    <div class="fig" style="width:65%;">

-      <img src="images/0003m.jpg" alt="0003m " width="100%" /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h5>

-      <a href="images/0003.jpg"><i>Original</i></a>

-    </h5>

-    <h2>

-      An Involuntary Black Republican.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Sometime after Mr. Lincoln's well remembered passage of the rebel Rubicon

-      at Baltimore, some radical Republicans, who thought they saw some signs of

-      the President's backwardness in vindicating the Chicago platform, went in

-      committee to the White House to beg him to carry out his principles&mdash;or

-      rather to stretch them in Queen Dido's style.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I don't know about it, gentlemen," replied Uncle Abe; "with a pretty

-      strong opposition at home and a rebellion at the South, we'd best push

-      republicanism rather slow. Fact is, I'm worse off than old blind Jack

-      Loudermill was when he got married on a short courtship. Some one asked

-      him a few days after, how he liked his new position. 'Dunno,' said he; 'I

-      went it blind to start with, and ain't had a chance to feel my way to a

-      conclusion yet.' So it is with me. Perhaps you can see further than I can,

-      to me the future is dark and lowering; and we have now got to feel every

-      step of our way forward. Making Republicans used to be hard work, and I

-      don't see as I could do much at it now, unless I proselyte by giving fat

-      offices to weak-kneed opponents; but that," continued Uncle Abe, with a

-      sly look toward several of his old Illinois friends, "would'nt be quite

-      fair to those who believe that 'to the victors belong the spoils.' Your

-      idea about pushing things reminds me of the first <i>black</i> Republican

-      I ever made."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      And the President threw his left leg over his right and subsided into that

-      air of <i>abandon</i> which denotes his pregnancy of a good story.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "You see, gentlemen," he began, "in my boyhood days, I had a slim chance

-      for schooling, and did'nt improve what I did have. Occasionally a Yankee

-      would wander into Kentuck, and open a school in the log building that was

-      a church and school house as well, and keep it till he got starved out or

-      heard of a better location. One Fall a bald headed, sour-visaged old man

-      came along and opened the school, and my people concluded I must go; as

-      usual the big boys soon began to test the master, who, though he was a

-      patient Jeffersonian Republican, seemed very tyrannical to us. My good

-      nature singled me out soon, as the scapegoat of the school, and I got more

-      than my share of the birch: at least, my back was as good as an almanac,

-      for every day of the week was recorded there. But, though this record of

-      past time was no pastime to me, I could stand it better than I could the

-      taunts and jibes of the boys out of school.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "One morning when a half dozen of us were warming before the broad logwood

-      fire, I noted a big fellow (who had got me flogged the day before)

-      standing on the side opposite, his back to the blaze: both hands were

-      partially open, one laid in the other; some would lay it to the devil, but

-      it was only the spirit of revenge which prompted me to pick up a live

-      coal, covered with ashes, and drop it into his hands. For a moment he

-      did'nt mind it, but it burned all the deeper; when it did burn he jumped

-      and bellowed like a stuck calf.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "'Who made that noise?' Demanded old Whitey? the master.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "'I made it,' replied the big fellow, rubbing his hands.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "'Why?' more angrily demanded old Whitey.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "'Some one put a coal of fire in my hand and burnt me,' sniffled the

-      booby.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "The big fellow, however, didn't know who did it. Some of the boys, who

-      had a lurking pity for me, said it snapt into his hand; but the master

-      'couldn't see it;' and at last it leaked out that 'Abe Lincoln done it.'

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "So you see, gentlemen," said Uncle Abe, moralizing, "I got the blame of a

-      long score of supposititious shortcomings by one act of my own, pretty

-      much as I had to bear the sins of my whole party in the late canvass,

-      because of a few sins of my own."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "'Abraham, come up here!' thundered the master, (By the way, gentlemen, my

-      people always called me Abe&mdash;my wife still calls me plain Abe&mdash;but

-      that old fellow called me <i>Abraham</i> so often and so severely that I

-      early dropped all claim to a definite appellative, and chose to be

-      indefinitely 'A. Lincoln.') * But to go on. I got a deserved threshing

-      that time, and a reputation withal for wickedness that saved all the

-      little rogues in school. At last, however, I determined to be even with

-      old Whitey, somehow.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "It wasn't long till I worked out an idea. Just over the master's desk was

-      a rude shelf, upon which he kept some books and a big-bellied bottle of

-      ink, which some admirer of his Jeffersonian-Republican principles had

-      presented him. I had observed that in stepping upon his desk platform, he

-      never touched or moved his chair, beyond leaning back in it, which he

-      always did, after taking his seat. So next day I robbed our old

-      long-tailed white horse of a few hairs and braided them in a three

-      stranded cord. While the master was gone out to his dinner, I put the thin

-      glass ink bottle upon the edge of the shelf propped a-cant, and tied one

-      end of the cord to the bottle, and the other end to the back of his chair.

-      The boys sympathized with me, and were in an extacy of delight. Anon the

-      master came. Without looking to the right or left, he marched sternly to

-      the chair, and hence saw not the repressed titter of expectation that was

-      ready to burst over the whole room. I stood just outside of the door

-      expecting the result; he sat down and then leaned back. Down came the

-      bottle, deluging the bald head in a shower of Stygian blackness! Yes,

-      gentlemen, I fancy that was the first <i>black</i> Republican ever made in

-      Kentuck, but the conversion was too sudden."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "How was that?" queried Cassius M. Clay.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why," replied Uncle Abe, "he afterwards married a widow and&mdash;&mdash;twelve

-      negroes."

-    </p>

-<pre xml:space="preserve">

-     * When Mr. Lincoln was nominated, very many papers ran up

-     the name of "Abram Lincoln."

-</pre>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      The Wrong Pig by the Ear.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      I never knew a flash phrase worse used up than was one by Uncle Abe

-      attending one of the neighboring Circuit Courts above Springfield. He was

-      employed to aid a young County Attorney to prosecute some reputed hog

-      thieves. The crime of hog stealing had become so common that the people

-      were considerably excited and an example was determined on. The first

-      person tried was acquitted on a pretty clear <i>alibi</i> or pretty hard

-      swearing. As the fellow thus acquitted was lounging round the Court House,

-      Uncle Abe was passing, and he hailed him.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well Mr. Lincoln, I reckon you got the wrong sow by the ear when you

-      undertook to pen me up."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "So it seems," replied Uncle Abe, blandly, "but really you must excuse me,

-      pigs are so very much alike! In fact, people up here don't all seem to

-      know their own."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      "Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln Live."

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      In "Clay times," as the old farmers of Sangamon still recall the period of

-      Henry Clay's powerful canvass for the Presidency, Uncle Abe had a wide

-      circuit practice. In travelling to the various courts, he generally drove

-      a horse and vehicle that some people will still remember. The horse had

-      belonged to an undertaker, and the "funeral business," together with

-      years, had made him a grave and staid animal. His <i>physique</i>

-      presented those angularities that characterized his master, but unlike his

-      owner, he was never known to perpetrate a joke or indulge in a

-      "horselaugh." The vehicle was neither buggy, nor Jersey wagon, but had

-      become, by virtue of alterations and repairs, what Uncle Abe afterwards

-      described the Union under the plan of free and Slave States "neither one

-      thing or the other." There was in fact an "eternal fitness" in horse and

-      man that was not exactly a "standing joke," but a peripatetic one.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      I would give all my expectation of a brigadiership for a portrait of Uncle

-      Abe seated in this strange "turnout," as he "might have been seen" wending

-      his meditative way across the prairies.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      About this time Uncle Abe was nominated for Congress in the Sangamon. Yet

-      he did not forego his business, but prosecuted his legal course, as well

-      as all evil-doers who chanced to fall into his hands. He had just started

-      on a circuit trip, to be gone a month. Often, since Mr. Lincoln's

-      nomination for Congress, had Mrs. Lincoln begged him to add a second story

-      to their humble dwelling, but he pleaded poverty. But a relation of Mrs.

-      Lincoln's having died in Kentucky leaving her a small legacy, she

-      determined her husband should have a house worthy a candidate for

-      Congress. Doubtless she felt an inward satisfaction at the thought of

-      furnishing a good surprise for her husband on his return. So she at once

-      bought material, set mechanics at work, and in three weeks metamorphosed

-      the dwelling into what political pilgrims to Springfield in 1860 will

-      remember as a neat, two-story, clay-colored residence.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe arrived home just after dark, and drove up to what he thought to

-      be Eighth street, but not seeing his house, and thinking he had made a

-      mistake, he drove round on to the next street. Recognizing the houses

-      there; he again drove around to Eighth, and, passing his own house,

-      recognized that occupied by W&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n, a clever tailor, who

-      was standing at his own gate.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why, is that you, Wilkie?" (said Uncle Abe patronizingly.) W&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n,

-      assured him of his own identity, "Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln live

-      now."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well," said W&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n, "The Loco's say he's so sure of his

-      election that he's gone to Washington to select his seat; but Mrs. Lincoln

-      lives now in that beautiful new two-story house you have just passed."

-      Uncle Abe indulged in a quaint laugh, and then turned his ancient horse

-      around, alighted and asked if Mrs. Lincoln lived in the house before which

-      he stood. Mrs. Lincoln received him as a fond woman should receive her

-      lord, and the return was the cause of much pleasant badinage in social

-      circles.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Too Literal Obedience.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Gen. McClellan was complaining to Uncle Abe of one of his division

-      commanders, who had literally obeyed an order publicly given for the

-      purpose of hood-winking the rebels through the aid of the numerous

-      undetected spies known to lurk in the camp as well as the capital.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "That reminds me of a little story&mdash;a little thing that happened to

-      me when I was out in the Black Hawk war," said Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "You see, after we brought the Foxes to terms, they were as sweet as wild

-      honey. The women especially tried to make a good thing out of the defeat

-      of their braves, by selling us moccasins, deerskin breeches, &amp;c. One

-      squaw in particular, made beautiful breeches, and I concluded to have a

-      pair made. How she was to fit my spindles, puzzled me at first, as the

-      Indians are no tailors in any <i>measurable</i> degree. At last I

-      bethought me of an old pair which I had in my saddle bag, and these I gave

-      to her that she might rip them open and use the parts for patterns. When

-      she brought the new ones home, I was not a little angry to find that she

-      had exactly imitated the old patch on the nether parts of the new

-      breeches."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Little Mac smiled in his peculiar grave way, and remarked that when he

-      gave an order for a similar purpose, he would tell this story by way of a

-      hint.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      How Uncle Abe Felt.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Soon after Uncle Abe's defeat by Judge Douglas in 1848, (whereby Douglas

-      unwittingly made a President) some one asked Uncle Abe how he felt over

-      the result.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well," said he, "I feel a good deal like a big boy I knew in Kentuck.

-      After he'd got a terrible pounding by the school master, someone asked him

-      how he felt? 'Oh! said he, it hurt so awful bad, I couldn't laugh, and I

-      was too big to cry over it.' That's just my case."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      It is presumed the questioner got an idea how a defeated politician feels.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      P.P.P.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Soon after the advent of Uncle Abe at the White House, the pressure of

-      aspirants for official positions was perfectly crushing.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      In fact, Uncle Abe sometimes got so flustered by their bedevilment, that

-      he not only failed to recollect an illustrating anecdote, but soon lost

-      his temper.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      One of the Illinois applicants&mdash;a fellow named Jeff.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      D&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;r, was particularly a bore, seeming to think it part

-      of the Chicago platform to give every village politician an office.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Seems to me, Jeff," said Uncle Abe, "you got the Chicago platform reduced

-      to enormous brevity&mdash;in fact, just three p's would seem to express

-      your idea of it."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "How's that, Mr. Lincoln?" inquired-Jeff.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why, it looks to me as if it was patriotism, place and plunder, and a

-      mighty important plea is the last one, I reckon."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Jeff was silent for a while, but bored on until he "struck ile" in the

-      shape-of a clerkship.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Rattaned for a Rat Joke.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Just after the retreat of the rebels from Bull Run, when it leaked out

-      that our troops had been held at bay by wooden or Quaker guns, a

-      Pennsylvanian Congressman remarked to Uncle Abe&mdash;"Well, Mr. Lincoln,

-      you see that Quaker principles even embodied in wood may be of some

-      service in war."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes, but as you see in that shape, they are only substituted principles;

-      such things may do once, but found out, they will avail worse than

-      nothing. Your remark, however, 'reminds me of a little story.'

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "When I was a youngster of fifteen or so, I went to an 'Academy' for a few

-      weeks, just to brush up my old-field school learning. Such schools are

-      called Academies in the East, to distinguish their intermediate position

-      between colleges and common schools; but in Kentuck and the West,

-      generally the high sounding title merely meant that the 'principal' taught

-      a few branches ahead of the old-field schools. Well, the rats were thick

-      about the old building where we daily gathered to reap the fruit of

-      knowledge; and as many of the boys brought their dinners and threw the

-      fragments under their old-fashioned box desks, they soon grew as bold as

-      they were thick. The teacher had a mortal antipathy to rats, and as I

-      didn't 'take' to the teacher, I naturally encouraged the rats. Whenever

-      one showed himself, he was sure to get a whack from the old teacher's

-      rattan. Sometimes he missed his aim at the rats, but never at us boys,

-      which was owing, perhaps, to the difference in the size of the game.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "An industrious rat had made a hole from beneath the floor up under my

-      desk, and thence out through the end, and as I fed him well he was quite

-      tame. Often during school hours he would come up and peer out into the

-      aisles through his hole in the end of the desk, and whenever he was seen

-      by the teacher, he was sure to see the rattan whirling in the air. An idea

-      struck me one day. I got a dead rat&mdash;I did not like to kill my pet&mdash;and

-      stuffing it, made quite a good-looking 'Quaker' rat. Then I fixed some

-      springs so I could work my rat out and in at pleasure; so whenever the

-      teacher was looking up, my rat was always out; but when the whack came

-      down, he was in betimes. At last he seemed to think it wondrous tame, and

-      the ill-suppressed titter of the school boys finally made him suspicious.

-      The boys had been let into my secret, and relished it hugely, and I was

-      too prone to give a few exhibitions. At last the teacher watched me

-      sharper than he did the rat, and then caught me in the act. He got hold of

-      the rat and beat me alternately with rat and switch, and you may well

-      guess, I was well rattaned. If soldiers who use wooden guns ever get worse

-      usage, I pity them."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The 300 Pounder Parrot since used by the Government, shows Uncle Abe's

-      poor appreciation of Quaker guns and Quaker principles.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      The State House Struck by Whiggery.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Soon after the State House at Springfield was erected, in 1840, Mr.

-      Lincoln stood on the east side of the Capitol Square one day, in

-      conversation with a Democratic friend, who was loth to believe that the

-      Whigs could carry the State for "Tip and Ty."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Nothing is more morally certain," said Uncle Abe. "All the signs of the

-      times point to it, and&mdash;why even the State House is struck with

-      Whiggery" he said, pointing up under the eves, where is yet seen a

-      remarkable representation of a "coon" in the stone.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Graphic and True.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      When Hon. Emerson Etheridge escaped from Tennessee during the summer of

-      1862, his opinions on Tennessee affairs were eagerly listened to in

-      Washington. Among other questions, Uncle Abe asked:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Do the Methodist clergy in your State take to secession?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Take? Why, sir, they take to it like a duck to water, or a sailor to a

-      duff kid."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Judge of the Post Office.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Judge David Davis of Bloomington, Illinois, who was recently appointed (by

-      Uncle Abe) to a position on the bench of the Supreme Court of the United

-      States, is known to many of his friends as one of the best hearted men in

-      the world. His, is withal, full of the piety of good humor. I call it

-      "piety," because I think a smiling face is a perpetual thanksgiving to

-      God. His benevolence, however, edges down his wit, and gives it more the

-      characteristic of humor, strictly speaking. This, while it may have helped

-      that "belly with fat capon lined," has kept him at peace with himself and

-      the world.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      On one occasion, while Judge Davis was presiding at the Logan County

-      Circuit Court, a case came up that involved a question of postal law.

-      Uncle Abe was on the case, and politely loaned Judge D. a small manual of

-      postal law, that he might see for himself what the letter of the law was.

-      The Judge gave his understanding of the law, but had hardly finished when

-      Mr. S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s, a burley farmer from Clear Creek, jumped up

-      and sang out&mdash;

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I reckon that ain't so, Judge. I've been Post-Master more'n a dozen

-      years, and I reckon I ought to know what's Post Office law."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Of course Judge Davis had every right to fine the man for contempt, but he

-      had a different way of treating such cases. "With a tone in which sarcasm

-      only slightly blended, he said:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Truly, I think you ought, Mr. S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s. It has never been

-      my privilege to be a Post-Master, and I would like your opinion in this

-      case. Please step this way."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The Judge moved over and made room on the bench, which Mr. S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s

-      occupied, and proceeded to give <i>his</i> opinion on the mooted question.

-      The bar sat smiling in expectation.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Keep your seat, Mr. S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s, while I speak a word with my

-      friend Parks."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe it was who had been interrupted, so he resumed:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "May it please the Court, I had some doubt on this point myself, so I

-      borrowed the usual manual of Postal Law, to be perfectly assured. I regret

-      to contend that the clear letter of the law conflicts&mdash;sadly

-      conflicts&mdash;with the view just taken by Judge S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s;"

-      but here the bar indulged in a quiet "smile" without a stick in it, and it

-      just popped into Mr. S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;'s head, that he was out of

-      place, and he skedaddled in haste.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "The largest <i>pussie</i> Judge that sat on our bench," remarked Will

-      Wyatt. From that day to this, Mr. S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s, has never lost

-      the title he so suddenly gained.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      I'm an Inderlid.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      One day while Uncle Abe was attending to a case at Mount Pulaski, (the

-      country seat of Logan County, Illinois,) he was beset by old B&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s,

-      a worthy farmer, but a notorious malaprop, for an opinion as to his

-      amenability to the road tax. "You look here, Mr. Lincoln, these fellows

-      here want to make me work on the road."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well!" said Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, I tells them that they can't do it, cause I'm an <i>inderlid</i>,

-      you see."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      (Of course Uncle Abe concurred in B&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s opinion, and

-      forgot to charge a fee.)

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "On another occasion, he wanted John G. Gillette, the great cattle dealer,

-      to <i>proximate</i> him because he'd got the best pair of cattle scales in

-      Logan County."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      How Uncle Abe got his Sobriquet.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Some one ventured to ask Uncle Abe, soon after his arrival at the White

-      House, how he got the sobriquet of "Honest Abe."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh," said he, "I suppose my case was pretty much like that of a country

-      merchant I once read of. Some one called him a 'little rascal.' 'Thank you

-      for the compliment,' said he. 'Why so?' asked the stigmatizer. 'Because

-      that title distinguishes me from my fellow tradesmen, who are all <i>great</i>

-      rascals.'"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "So honest lawyers were so scarce in Illinois that you were thus

-      distinguished from them?" persisted the questioner.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well," quoth Uncle Abe, glancing slyly at Douglas, Sweet, and others from

-      Illinois, "it's hard to say where the honest ones are."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      "I'll take Number Eleven too."

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Thirty-five or forty years ago, a trip from Sangamon or Macon County, to

-      St. Louis, was an event to be talked of. It took as long to make it, and

-      furnished food for as much rustic enquiry and comment, as does a voyage to

-      Europe now. Uncle Abe had then given up rail-splitting, and was studying

-      law. Having a little while before treated himself to a (then) rare thing,

-      a suit of "store clothes;" and a neighbor being about to leave for St.

-      Louis, he resolved to go along. As the teams toiled on at the rate of

-      fifteen or twenty miles a day, they were gradually joined by others, till

-      the train presented somewhat the sights now to be seen on our great

-      overland routes to the Pacific.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      On arrival at St. Louis, Abe determined to see high life, and accordingly

-      made tracks for a letter A. No. 1, first class Hotel. The Old City Hotel

-      was then the only house that could claim that distinction. There the

-      merchants congregated, and there the Indian trader sought relaxation from

-      frontier hardships, while the rough trapper was content with the humble

-      fare of the "Hunter's Home."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      I forget what association called out this reminiscence of that trip; but

-      there can be no harm in repeating the story. Such mishaps have befallen

-      incipient greatness before.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      At the dinner table, each waiter was provided with a wine card, and each

-      guest had his wine charged to the number of his room, simply calling out,

-      as for instance, Sherry No. 9, &amp;c. A jolly Indian trader, sat just

-      opposite Abe, who betimes called "Claret, No 11." Abe saw that most of the

-      guests were similarly providing for themselves, and concluded not to

-      appear penurious, so he said he'd take some wine too.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "What kind, sah?" asked the waiter.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh, I'll take the same,"&mdash;pointing to the bottle just called for by

-      the Indian trader.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "What number, sah?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Abe was puzzled. Ho had not been used to wine or hotel life; but it was

-      only a moment before he broke the ice.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh, I'll just take No. 11 too."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The trader looked up surprised, while several others near by, smiled a

-      faint comprehension as to the state of affairs.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why, young man," said the trader, "that is my number, and mine is a

-      single room."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I beg pardon," stammered Abe, conscious that he had betrayed rusticity

-      and ignorance; but not knowing exactly how to extricate himself, the

-      good-hearted trader came to his aid&mdash;

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Were you ever in the city before?" asked he.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Never before."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, then, in memory of your advent, it shall be No. 11 too," and he

-      quietly pushed the bottle across the table. So agreeable was he that Abe

-      rallied, and the second bottle followed the fate of the first. On renewing

-      the conversation after dinner, the trader was satisfied that Abe had

-      'lots' of 'horse sense,' but little of worldly experience, and he

-      friendlily invited him to go out with him as a clerk; but, Abe declined.

-      Had he gone&mdash;what? Perhaps he might have become a respectable Indian

-      trader&mdash;perhaps he never had been elected President, and perhaps we

-      would have had no rebellion.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Severe Retort.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe took a great liking to the late Col. Ellsworth, and afterwards

-      did him the honor of making a Colonel of him. The rebel Jackson did the

-      rest, but enough of that. Many of our readers will recall the slim, spruce

-      figure of Col. Ellsworth as he paraded the streets of Springfield, dressed

-      in a unique Zouave uniform, a mere boy in appearance. He was full of

-      animal spirits. He and Bob O'Lincoln were cutting up didoes in the Law

-      office of Lincoln and Hornden, which greatly annoyed Uncle Abe, and he

-      gently reproved them. Bob, a little nettled, replied by quoting the common

-      couplet:

-    </p>

-    <p class="indent10">

-      "A little nonsense now and then,

-    </p>

-    <p class="indent10">

-      Is relished by the wisest men."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes," said Uncle Abe, looking severely at Bob, "that's the difference

-      between a wise man and a fool who relishes it all the time."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Bob subsided, and Ellsworth betook himself anew to Blackstone.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Had all the Time there Was.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      When Uncle Abe used to attend the Courts in the regions round about

-      Sangamon, he generally made easy stays, and was wont to look at the

-      country and talk to the people at his leisure. On one occasion he was

-      riding by the premises of old H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;, who was notorious

-      for his unthriftiness, and who was in the act of driving some stray hogs

-      out of his corn-field.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Good morning, Mr. H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;," said Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Morning, Mr. Lincoln, morning."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why don't you mend that piece of fence thoroughly, Mr. H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;,

-      and keep the pigs out?" asked Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Ha'n't got time," said H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why," said Uncle Abe, with an air of blended reproof and humor, "you've

-      got all the time there is Mr. H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Whether H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash; mended his fence and his thriftless habits,

-      this deponent knoweth not; but has often thought how true was the remark,

-      whether as a joke or an admonition. Every second, minute or hour is ours&mdash;ours

-      to use or ours to squander. How wontonly wasteful would be the rich man

-      who should stand upon a vessel's deck and cast his million golden coins

-      into the sea; yet day after day we stand upon the shores of eternity, and

-      cast the golden moments into the unreturning past. All the knowledge and

-      wealth of the world is but the result of improved time. So don't say you

-      "havn't got time," for you've got all there is, as Uncle Abe says.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Could Stand it a Day or Two,

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      About the time this occurred, there stood on one side of Capitol Square,

-      in Springfield, a Hotel, now doubtless out of memory of most of the

-      occupants of the out-lots and additions which speculators have hitched to

-      the original village. In its day it was a "first-class hotel," but it

-      waned before the "American" and is now among the "things that were." There

-      were some who doubted the cleanliness of the <i>cuisine</i>, and "thereby

-      hangs a tale."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Judge Brown arrived in town and put up at the aforesaid hotel, whereat,

-      Uncle Abe, on meeting him, expressed his regret, begging him to become <i>his</i>

-      guest. The Judge would fain not trouble his friend.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But you know the reputation of the place&mdash;the kitchen?" said Uncle

-      Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I've heard of it," said the Judge; "but as I want to keep my appetite, I

-      always shun the kitchen, if not the cooks."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But surely, can't you see by the table alone, Judge?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I know, Mr. Lincoln, but I'm going to stop only a day or two, and I guess

-      I can stand for that time what the landlord's family stand all their

-      lives."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Speaking of Hotels, reminds me of a little episode of one of Uncle Abe's

-      professional visits to Cairo, in Egypt, a town fenced in with mud-banks

-      and celebrated for its mud-holes and mean whisky. Thereabouts is a Hotel,

-      and thereat Uncle Abe stopped because the water forbade further traveling.

-      When his bill was presented to him next morning, he ventured to remark,

-      "that his accommodation had not been of the most agreeable kind."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "We are very much crowded," apologetically replied the landlord.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But I had hard work to get breakfast this morning."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes," continued the apologist, "we are greatly in need of help."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, well," said Uncle Abe, "you keep a first rate hotel in one

-      respect."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Ah!" said the landlord, brightening up, "in what respect is that?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Your bills," said Undo Abe, vanishing towards the "Central" cars.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The Ky-ro-ite landlord perhaps thought he ought to be well compensated for

-      keeping a hotel in such a place. A man of his sort used to "keep tavern"

-      in Pasy County, Indiana, several years ago. A pedestrian stopped with him

-      over night, for which the charge was 2.50.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why, landlord," said he, "this is an outrageous bill."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "You mean it's a big'un?" said the insatiate Boniface.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes, I do."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, stranger, we keep tavern here."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "What has that to do with such a bill?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Look at that'ere sign, stranger&mdash;cost ten dollars; your'n the fust

-      trav'ler that's bin along for three weeks, and we can't afford to keep

-      tavern for nothin&mdash;<i>we</i> can't!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Not the Worst of it.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Gov. Morgan, of New York, was urging the employment of General W&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;in

-      active service, Seward objected, that he was "too old" for the emergency

-      of the times.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes," said Uncle Abe, "we've got too many old officers in the army, and

-      that is not the worst of it&mdash;<i>we've got two many old women</i>

-      there!" This was when Uncle Abe's faith was strong in little Mac.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Some conclusions;" said Uncle Abe on one occasion, "are nonsequential. To

-      say that Rome was not built in a day, does not prove that it was built in

-      a night."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0019" id="link2H_4_0019"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Accoutred en Militaire.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      In the outset of the famous Black-hawk war in Illinois, a "hoss company"

-      was raised in the region where Uncle Abe was (then) a rising lawyer. I say

-      rising, although he had then reached a height sufficient to help himself

-      to most blessings&mdash;and he, the aforesaid U.A., was chosen Captain.

-      Uncle Abe rode a "slapping stallion," who was either naturally restive, or

-      appreciated his new honor too highly&mdash;at any rate, he corvetted and

-      pirouetted like a very Bucephalus. At last he unhorsed his rider, who

-      landed sprawling on the prairie in one of those green excrescences that

-      abound where bovine herds range. As the discomfitted Uncle Abe rose, and

-      surveyed his predicament, old Pierre Menard, who was a near spectator,

-      remarked in his broken French:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Vell, I nevair sees any man accoutred en militaire like zat before."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Most old suckers pronounce accoutred as the Yankees do the word cowcumber,

-      and this rendered Menard's joke more unctious.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Perils of Illinois Lawyers.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Years ago, when the capital of Suckerdom was a village of less

-      "magnificence" than it now presents&mdash;when Lincoln, Harden, Baker,

-      McDougal, Douglas, Shields and Ferguson were all village lawyers, and

-      scarcely known to fame&mdash;Judge Thomas Brown was on the Supreme bench

-      of the State. He was to some extent a "character;" but not a very

-      successful lawyer. He went to California, since when he has been generally

-      lost sight of; but his old friends may be assured that if he is in the

-      "land of the living," Uncle Abe's tax collectors will find him. But that's

-      neither here nor there. His ideas of the perils of practicing law in

-      Illinois, in early times, is what is now before the reader.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      On one occasion, after he had changed his residence to Peoria, having some

-      business to transact in Springfield, he arrived in that place and put up

-      at the old American House, (now kept by Henry Bidgely, Esq.) He chanced to

-      mention the name of Peoria. Instantly the attention of a countryman was

-      fixed, upon him, who, at the first opportunity accosted him&mdash;

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "From Peoria, Squar?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Much acquainted?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Pretty well, Sir."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Know a lawyer up there named H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;g R&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes sir."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "How's he getting along?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh, first rate&mdash;devilish lucky man."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "He's getting hold of considerable land, hain't he?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes a deal&mdash;devilish lucky man.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes&mdash;large&mdash;devilish lucky man."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Look here, Squar," said the countryman, evidently puzzled at R&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s

-      being so devilish lucky.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "What do you mean about his being so lucky?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Mean? why I call any man lucky that practices law twenty years in

-      Illinoiss, and don't get into the penitentiary."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Couldn't Make a Presidential Chair.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      "Mr. Lincoln," said an ardent sovereignty man just at the beginning of the

-      last Presidential contest "Mr. Douglas is a cabinet maker."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "He <i>was</i> when I first knew him," said Uncle Abe "but he gave up the

-      business so long ago, that I don't think he can make a Presidential chair

-      now." Uncle Abe proved himself a prophet, although at a tremendous cost to

-      the country.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      "Couldn't see It in that Light."

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      A delegation of temperance men recently sought to influence Uncle Abe to

-      take some stringent steps to suppress intemperance in our armies. Among

-      other reasons urged, they said our armies were often beaten because of

-      intemperance.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Is that so?" said Undo Abe. "I've heard on all sides that the rebels

-      drink more than our boys do, and I can't see why our boys, who drink less,

-      are more liable to get whipped."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But you know the corrupting influence of the army in regard to drinking

-      habits," pursued the Committee.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I've heard that, too," said Uncle Abe, "but I think they will do pretty

-      well <i>if I can keep them out of Washington!</i>"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The Committee didn't carry their measure, by a jug full.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Too Tough for the Rebels.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      When the Illinois boys gathered at Springfield, under the call of the ten

-      regiment bill, they were quartered on the fair grounds, just out of the

-      city. All the stalls were filled with troops, before which were signs as

-      "St. Nicholas," "Richmond House," etc., etc. Charley W&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;,

-      on going through the fair grounds, looked into the "Richmond House," and

-      said&mdash;

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, boys, how do you get along?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh, first rate," replied the Chicagoians, "we're all <i>stall fed</i>."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Bully for you," said Charley; "hope you'll be too tough for the rebels."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Little Mac Helped by an Illustration.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      "I can't seem to reap any advantage from the rebel movements," said

-      McClellan, in consultation with Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh, you just keep a watchful, careful eye on Leer and perhaps you will

-      yet see how to make use of them, as old Mother Grundy did of her crooked

-      wood."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Thereby hangs a tale," remarked little Mac, with one of his peculiar,

-      quaint smiles.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "You're right, General. Your remark reminded me of a good old neighbor of

-      my father's, in Kentucky, who died many years ago. She was sweet-tempered&mdash;few

-      such in this world." Uncle Abe stopped as though a mental comparison had

-      damaged some woman of his acquaintance. "Yes, her disposition was of that

-      kind that extracts 'good from things evil.' And she was her husband's

-      pride and boast. One day he was praising her to a neighbor."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "'Look here, old man Grundy,' said the neighbor 'these women are just like

-      cats&mdash;they are all right as long as you stroke the fur the right way,

-      but reverse the movement, and you'll see the fire fly. Now, I'll tell you

-      what, I bet a four-gallon keg of my four-year-old peach, that I can tell

-      you how to make her as mad as a set-hen, if you dare to try."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "'Done,' cried old man Grundy.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "'Well, you just haul home all the crookedest sticks of wood you can find,

-      and then see.'

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Old man Grundy brought home a small load every day or two, and it was

-      knotty and crooked as a pigs-tail; but not a word or look of complaint.

-      For a week this continued, with the same result, when he asked the good

-      wife how she liked the wood."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "'Oh,'tis beautiful wood,' said she; 'it burns finely, and then it fits <i>around

-      my pots and kettles just, as if 'twas made on purpose</i>.'"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Lee did not fit into Mac's hand so well, yet the story was not without its

-      use to him.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      An Acre of Fight.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      During the progress of the Senatorial campaign between Douglas and

-      Lincoln, Uncle Abe came home to recreate a few days. Douglas, long used to

-      the political arena, bore the fatigues of the canvass like a veteran. His

-      custom was to bathe just after supper, getting some friend to rub him like

-      a race horse, when he would sit down and enjoy his whisky and cigar.

-      Lincoln, lank and abstemious, bore his yoke with evident weariness. But to

-      the story.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe went up into the Governor's room in the State House, where he

-      was soon joined by many of the leading Republicans of the town. Some one

-      remarked on his look of weariness. "It is a mighty contest," remarked

-      Uncle Jesse Du Bois.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But Mr. Lincoln does not show his great appreciation of it upon the

-      stand," remarked a Chicago correspondent, in allusion to Uncle Abe's good

-      humored replies to Douglas.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But still, when the day's gladiatorial combat is over, it seems to me, as

-      the Kentucky fellow said, that I had been through 'an acre of fight.'"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Give us that story, Abe," said Dr. Wallace, Uncle Abe's brother-in-law.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, one of my earliest recollections of a Kentucky Court, was a trial

-      about a fight. It took place in the Court House grounds, and the Judge,

-      thinking it constructable as a contempt of Court, sent out the Sheriff,

-      and had the parties quickly brought before him. Both had bruised noses and

-      beavers, and showed the unmistakable evidence of having been in a

-      scrimage. The witnesses were numerous, and the evidence was so

-      conflicting, that the Judge declared he could legally reach no other

-      conclusion than that there had <i>been no fight at all</i>. But the

-      Sheriff ventured to suggest:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Here's Jim Blowers&mdash;he had hold on one of them fellers, when I

-      arrested them."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Mr. Clerk," said the Judge, "you will at once swear Mr. Blowers."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Now, Mr. Blowers," said the Clerk, "you will please tell the Court what

-      you know about this affair."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, ax on."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, was there a fight between these parties?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Just a bit of scrimage."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "It was a real fight, was it?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, some people would call it that."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "How much of a fight was it?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh, considerable&mdash;they pulled and hauled about kinder like two cows

-      when they lock horns."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But, tell the Court more precisely?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, I should say it was a right smart fight."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But <i>how</i> much of a fight?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, then, just about an acre, I reckon."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      It is needless to say that the crowd enjoyed the joke hugely.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "It is easier to pay a small debt than a larger one."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0026" id="link2H_4_0026"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe Believes in the Intelligence of Oysters.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      In the year 1860 or thereabouts, when a great patent case was being tried

-      in Chicago, and champagne and oysters were the favorite viands served

-      nightly to Counsel and Jurors after the adjournment of Court, it happened

-      that one Ed. D&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n, a young patent lawyer from New York,

-      was present on one of those occasions. Now, Ned is terribly afflicted with

-      a determination of words to the mouth, and managed to monopolize the whole

-      conversation. Ned had a speech to make upon everything, and kept buzzing

-      around like a musquito, dipping his bill into everything animate or

-      inanimate, no matter which. At last he began to officiate at serving out

-      the oysters, and with ladle in hand, said in his usual stilted style, "I

-      wonder whether this bivalve, this seemingly obtuse oyster, is endowed with

-      any degree of intelligence." Uncle Abe looked at the puppy, who, by the

-      way, had prevented him cracking a single one of his favorite jokes for the

-      entire evening, and quaintly remarked, that "he was satisfied that an

-      oyster knew when to shut up, and that was more than some New York lawyers

-      knew." Ned has never propounded the query as to the intellect of oysters

-      since.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      An Egyptian Snake Story

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      The last county made in Illinois&mdash;I don't mean by the Legislature,

-      but by Nature, and where dirt was so short that it lies under water part

-      of the year&mdash;is called Alexander, and used to boast two rival towns,

-      both thoroughly Egyptian in their nomenclative association&mdash;Cairo and

-      Thebes. Twenty years ago Thebes was the "seat of justice;" but Cairo was

-      then beginning to entertain magnificent expectations, and her citizens

-      wanted to have the Court House removed to their town. The contest waxed

-      warm. The Thebans contended that Cairo was only a "daub of mud on the tail

-      of the State," while Thebes was destined to hold the same relation to

-      Alexander, that its ancient namesake did to Egypt in the time of Menes.

-      [See Herodotus.] But to settle the dispute, the Legislature must be

-      appealed to, and that involved the choice of a man favorable to the

-      change. This narrowed the fight right down to a hot county canvass between

-      the Theban and Cairoine interests.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      A Cairo man conceived a scheme that was ahead of anything yet achieved by

-      Uncle Abe's brigadiers in the way of "strategy." He wrapped a boulder in a

-      green hide, making a perfectly round mass, to which he attached a mule;

-      then night after night he drew the stone through sand and mud. By going on

-      a straight line, the mule's tracks were concealed, and the track left,

-      resembled that made by a huge serpent.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div class="fig" style="width:65%;">

-      <img src="images/0041m.jpg" alt="0041m " width="100%" /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h5>

-      <a href="images/0041.jpg"><i>Original</i></a>

-    </h5>

-    <p>

-      These tracks were mainly in the south end of the county, and caused an

-      excitement that almost absorbed the election interest. Soon it was

-      reported that Mrs. so and so had seen a huge snake. The wonder grew apace.

-      Anon it was currently reported that two men had seen the great serpent

-      five miles above Cairo. The excitement increased. Several daring hunters

-      followed the track, of which new ones were made every night; but the trail

-      always led into water and was lost. Several persons missed hogs and

-      calves, which were surmised to have gone into the capacious maw of the

-      serpent. Finally word was given out that a great hunt was to come off in

-      the lower part of the county, and the rendezvous was appointed. On the

-      morning, hundreds were there from all parts of the county, and dividing

-      into squads they started to scour the country about. At night they

-      returned from their snakeless hunt, but so anxious were the people to get

-      rid of his snakeship, that they furnished an abundance of edibles and

-      whisky. All were in hilarious spirits, determined to renew the hunt on the

-      following morning. By daylight the hunters were again on the tramp, and

-      men from the lower part of the county happened to fall into the squad.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      About 3 o'clock in the afternoon, a squad of the bans hove in sight of a

-      small village, <i>i.e.</i> one house a blacksmith shop and a grocery,

-      where, seeing a large crowd assembled, they hurried up in expectation of

-      seeing the dead monster. <i>But the men were voting!</i>

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Thunder!" cried a Theban, "this is election day, and I'll bet my bottom

-      dollar we're sold!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      They started for the rendezvous and spread their suspicions; but so few

-      reached their own precincts, that the Cairo man was elected.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Then the joke came out; but the Thebans couldn't see the "laughing place;"

-      their rage and mortification was so intense.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe was a member of the Legislature, when an effort was made to

-      change the county seat of Alexander; and though he liked the joke hugely

-      by which the Thebans had been "diddled," he saw the honesty of the thing

-      and so voted against any change.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Why Uncle Abe Made a Brigadier.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      When the rebellion had gone so far as to give the most hopeful some clear

-      idea of its extent and malignancy, it chanced that J. A. Mc&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;d,

-      a leading politician of Illinois, made a visit to Washington, and imitated

-      his friend Douglas so far as to call upon Uncle Abe. The "shoot" that

-      certain prominent Democrats gave indication of taking, by talking of

-      reconstruction and a Northwestern Republic, gave the new administration

-      some concern. Uncle Abe was very sociable with Logan, Mac, and a few of

-      their "ilk." So Uncle Abe not only extended to Mac the hospitalities of

-      the White House, but accompanied him on a visit to the arsenal. While

-      there, their attention was drawn to some muskets which the speculators had

-      furnished to Cameron, and which were thought (generally) very dangerous to

-      those who used them.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Mac caught up one, and sighted along the barrel.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Do that again, Mac," said Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Mac complied. Uncle Abe was evidently struck with an idea, and Mac was

-      anxious to know what it was like.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why, Mac," said Uncle Abe, "I was thinking if we could get all our

-      soldiers to make up that kind of a face, that the rebels couldn't stand it

-      a moment." Mac didn't relish Uncle Abe's joke, as he was hopefully in

-      pursuit of the third wife; but he put the best face he could upon the

-      matter, and remarked to Uncle Abe&mdash;

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Perhaps you'd better make me a Brigadier then!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "And why not?" asked Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Mac got his commission.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe Puzzled.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe was met one day near Springfield, by a conceited coxcomb, who

-      had built him a house at some distance, and invited him to dinner. Uncle

-      Abe did not much relish the Jackenape's acquaintance. In fact, as Justice

-      Shallow has it, had "written him down an Ass." However, Abe enquired very

-      minutely, where Snooks lived? "Thistle Grove," replied the verdant Snooks;

-      "but there's no grove now, and not a single thistle!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Eh, what!" cries Uncle Abe, "not a single thistle! Then what on airth do

-      you live on?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0030" id="link2H_4_0030"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe Divided on a Question.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      In 1840 or '41, Uncle Abo was a member of the Illinois Legislature. The

-      Capital had lately been removed from Vandalia to Springfield. The

-      Legislature met in the Presbyterian church.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      I have forgotten what measure was before the house; but it was one in

-      which there were many members who did not wish to commit themselves. Uncle

-      Abe was in this predicament. He sat near an open window, and when the

-      clerk, calling the ayes and nays had got down to L's, Uncle Abe thrust his

-      right leg out of the window, and was just drawing its long companion after

-      it, when an anti-dodging member "seeing the game," shut the sash down and

-      held Uncle Abe in a trap.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Lincoln," called out the Clerk.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Mr. Speaker," said Col. Thornton, "Mr. Lincoln is <i>divided</i> on this

-      question, and I move you that the sergeant at arms be sent to bring in

-      that part of him that is out of the window."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe was "<i>brought in</i>" amid a universal titter, to his evident

-      mortification.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      In 1840, the Union generally went for Harrison; but Illinois,

-      particularly, was democratic. When the Legislature met in the Fall of that

-      year, the Whig members tried to break up the <i>new</i> Session by

-      absenting themselves from voting to adjourn the old Session <i>sine die</i>,

-      so that they could Constitutionally meet the next Wednesday morning; the

-      State Constitution requiring the Legislature to meet "the first Monday in

-      December next, ensuing the election of members." After the breaking up of

-      the morning Session, the Sergeant-at-arms hunted up the delinquent Whigs,

-      and at 3 o'clock there was a quorum obtained, and the doors locked. The

-      Springfield <i>Register</i> of Dec. 11, 1840, mentions this matter, but

-      thinks Uncle Abe "come off without damage, as it was noticed that his legs

-      reached nearly from the window to the ground!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      A proposition was afterwards humorously proposed, to add another story to

-      the new State House, so that fugacious members would have to go down the

-      water spouts if they ran!

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0031" id="link2H_4_0031"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Tried for Scaring the Girls.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Thirty years ago, when Springfield was blooming into the dignity of its

-      Capitalive position, the American House was its great hotel, (and it isn't

-      its smallest yet,) and the resort of those who loved to spend a few hours

-      in the society of the <i>bon vivants</i> who then assembled&mdash;Lincoln,

-      Douglas, Shields, Ferguson, Herndon, (then a young man, but since the law

-      partner of Uncle Abe,) and many others "not unknown to fame," could almost

-      always be found here during the evening.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      One evening as they were sitting in free converse in the bar-room, one of

-      the chamber maids came in and informed the landlord that a man was under

-      her bed.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      It seems while stooping down to untie her gaiters, she saw a man under the

-      bed. With rare presence of mind, she excused herself to her fellow servant

-      as having forgotten some duty, and reported her discovery to the landlord.

-      Boniface at once called for volunteers to secure the interloper. So eager

-      were they for fun, that all volunteered. They surprised and captured the

-      man, and brought him down to the bar-room; but what to do with him? was

-      the next question. Springfield then had no vagabonds who made fees out of

-      misfortunes&mdash;i.e. policemen&mdash;and it was determined to treat him

-      with the prompt justice peculiar to that era. A court was therefore got

-      together at once, all expectant of fun but the unfortunate culprit.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Judge Thomas Brown was decided upon to act as Judge; Melborn, the

-      talented, but eccentric State Attorney, was detailed to prosecute; and

-      Lincoln and Douglas to defend the prisoner. Dr. Wallace acted as Sheriff,

-      and upon the jury were Dr. Merriman, * Gen. Shields, John Calhoun (of

-      Lecompton memory,) Uri Manly, and many other well known personages.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Lawborn, though a regularly-educated and talented lawyer, took occasion

-      not only to be as "funny as he could," but to imitate the prevailing style

-      of oratory too common in Illinois&mdash;a style in which the

-      Hard-shell-Baptist devil mingled with the rough dialect of the

-      back-woodsman.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "<i>May it please your Honor, and you, gentlemen of the Jury</i>: The

-      Legislature of Illinois, though it has legislated upon every subject it

-      could think of, has omitted to pass any act against a man being born as

-      ugly as he pleases. If such an idea ever occurred to my friend Lincoln

-      here, when in the Legislature, I know he would at once dismiss it, not

-      only as too personal, but as repugnant to his honest heart. As for myself,

-      I like ugly men. An ugly man stands up on his own merits. Nature has done

-      nothing for him, and he feels that he must labor to supply the deficit by

-      amiability and good conduct generally. There is not an ugly man in this

-      room but has felt this. A pretty man, on the contrary, trusts his face to

-      supply head, heart and everything. He is an anomaly in nature, as though

-      the productions had been at fault as to sex, and sought to correct it when

-      too late. They are girl's first loves, and doting husband's jealous bane.

-      I confess I don't like pretty men half so well as I do pretty women.

-    </p>

-<pre xml:space="preserve">

-     * Afterward murdered and robbed on the Pacific.

-</pre>

-    <p>

-      "No, gentlemen, ugliness is nothing. It is manners that is everything. The

-      ugliest man that ever lived, never intentionally frightened a woman&mdash;nay,

-      never was so unfortunate as to do so. But this creature, gentlemen of the

-      Jury, this mendacious wretch whom you set in judgment upon&mdash;this

-      creature, who would doubtless enter for a prize of beauty at a vanity fair&mdash;how

-      has he failed in his duty to society? Why, gentlemen, by crawling under

-      the bed upon which two fair damsels were about to expose their loveliness

-      to Diana's envious gaze. Did he wish to woo them? Petruche's was rough in

-      his wooing&mdash;this man was mean! Woman loves not surprises. Their

-      hearts are fond of open sieges. This is the case of all women-kind. Maugre

-      the slander of Hudibras:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br />

-    </p>

-    <p class="indent10">

-      "He that woos a maid,

-    </p>

-    <p class="indent10">

-      Must lie, love, and flatter."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br />

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "It is a <i>mystery</i> that adds to beauty, and the woman who surrenders

-      that to importunity or surprise, has lost half her vantage ground. The

-      story of Guyges and Candaules' queen, if not paralleled here, is not

-      without its moral. What else meant this wretch, gentlemen of the Jury, but

-      to surprise these charming damsels when only armed with the light shield

-      that the Huntress and the cotton plant throws over earthly beauty? Or,

-      perhaps he meant more&mdash;his own guilty heart can only accuse him

-      there.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Gentlemen of the Jury, the failure of our Legislature to provide a

-      specific punishment for such miscreants, as this&mdash;lecherous

-      creatures, who steal upon woman amid the mysteries of the bed-room&mdash;is

-      no reason why society should fold its arms and leave woman's hidden

-      beauties to be anatomized by guilty eyes. No, gentlemen of the Jury,

-      outraged decency cries for its victim, and here he tremblingly, guiltily

-      stands.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Gentlemen of the Jury, where are the spirits of the fathers of the

-      Constitution? Are they not hovering over us in the air of the still summer

-      day? Are they not wailing upon the winds that sweep over our prairies? Are

-      they not heard in the sigh of the mountain pine? Are they not abroad in

-      all lands, whispering to earth's downtrodden millions like a voice of

-      hope? Yes, gentlemen of the Jury! and where was this creature then? Why,

-      creeping under the bed of two girls, hazzarding the chance of overturning&mdash;well,

-      it matters not."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      &mdash;And much more, in a view that needed to be heard to be appreciated.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Lincoln followed, illustrating with anecdotes meet for the place and

-      occasion, of which I recollect only the opening. "Gentlemen of the Jury,"

-      said he, "the remarks of my friend Lawborn about ugly men, comes home to

-      my bosom like the sweet oders of a rose to its neighboring great sister,

-      the cabbage. It was a grateful, a just tribute to that neglected class of

-      the community&mdash;ugly men, I wish to say something for my client,

-      although it must in candor be admitted, that he had 'gone to pot.' I don't

-      see why we should throw the kettle after him; he may be the victim of

-      circumstances; he looks very bashful now, and it may be the girls scared

-      him; who knows? At least I claim for him the benefit of a doubt.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why, gentlemen, many of us have, or might have suffered from a

-      concatenation of circumstances as strong as that under which my client

-      labors. Let me relate a little personal anecdote in illustration. When I

-      was making the secret canvass of this country, with my friend Cartwright,

-      the Pioneer Preacher, we chanced to stop at the house of one of our old

-      Kentucky farmers, whose log-cabin parlor, kitchen and hall were blended in

-      one, and only separated at night by sundry blankets hung up between the

-      beds. As we were candidates for the august Legislature of Illinois, our

-      host treated us with the privacy of a blanket room. During the night I was

-      awakened by some one throwing their leg over me with some force. I thought

-      it was neighbor Cartright, and took hold of it to give it a toss back; but

-      it didn't feel like one of his white oak legs, and while I was feeling it

-      to ascertain the correctness of my half-awake doubts, a stifled scream

-      thoroughly awakened me, and the leg was withdrawn. Why, gentlemen, would

-      you believe me? It was the leg of our host's daughter! Imagine my position

-      if you can! What an <i>apparent</i> breach of hospitality! While I was

-      imagining an excuse for my conduct, the 'old folks' struck a light, and

-      the blanket between our bed and that of the buxom damsel, was discovered

-      to have been pulled down! More damning proof, thought I. I feigned sleep,

-      but kept one corner of my left eye open for observation. The blanket was

-      soon fixed up, and I was greatly relieved to hear the damsel explain to

-      her mother that she herself had invaded our bed while dreaming, caused by

-      some un-digestable vegetables she had eaten for her supper. Our host was

-      serene and affable in the morning, and I had no need to apologize; but,

-      gentlemen, imagine what an escape I had, and have mercy on my client."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe made a side splitting speech all through, and Douglas followed

-      with a "constitutional" argument.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The Jury returned a verdict of "guilty of scaring the girls," and the

-      Judge sentenced the culprit to be whipped in the back yard, by the girls

-      he had scared.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Dr. Wallace, the acting Sheriff, (no, a paymaster in the army,) went out

-      and bought a cow hide, and the fellow was soon tied up to a post, and the

-      girls made per force to give him thirty-nine well laid on.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The whole affair was a rich evening's divertisement, and cost nothing more

-      than a few lost vest buttons and strained button holes.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      It is needless to say that the fellow became a <i>non est</i> man from

-      that day thenceforth.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0032" id="link2H_4_0032"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      "Thank God for the Sassengers."

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Most of the readers of this have perhaps read a good story of Oliver

-      Ditson, the celebrated Boston Music publisher. After he had been in

-      business several years, his New Hampshire friends invited him to open his

-      Thanksgiving in his native town, he accepted the invitation and started

-      with some of his friends. On the way Ditson was the great man of the

-      occasion, and was therefore placed at the head of the table, when it

-      devolved upon him to ask the blessing. Now Oliver practiced more religion

-      than he knew the exact forms for, and he was in a sad dilemma; but he

-      essayed boldly the task. He thanked God for all the 'creature comforts'

-      there were upon the table&mdash;for all there ever had been&mdash;for all

-      that was expected. But how to quit? He went on, thanking and trying to

-      think at the same time how 'blessings' ended, but to no purpose. Knives

-      rattled, plates moved, and Oliver saw the hungry people were getting

-      impatient, and he came to the end in a real business like style, with&mdash;"Yours,

-      respectfully, OLIVER DITSON."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Almost as good an anecdote is told by Uncle Abe of one of his old friends,

-      a Mr. Sawyer, who merchandized either in Macon or Champaign County.

-      Sawyer, was a Yankee, and distinguished for little besides an immoderate

-      liking for "sassingers," as he called that "linked sweetness" which polite

-      people call sausages. When Uncle Abe was stumping the Sangamon District

-      for Congress, it befell that he and Sawyer met at the same country hotel,

-      which was kept by a hardshell Baptist, whose foible was long prayers and

-      blessings at table. They&mdash;Lincoln and Sawyer&mdash;happened to be

-      going to the same town by the same coaches. So they were up betimes and

-      ready, but breakfast was delayed. They at last got to the table, and the

-      Deacon was just closing his eyes preliminary to the blessing, when the

-      stage horn blew.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Bless me, Deacon, there's the stage ready," cried the Sawyer; "thank God

-      for the sassengers, and let us fall too."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      I hardly need say the Deacon's blessing&mdash;and perhaps his breakfast

-      were spoiled. But Sawyer had his "sassengers."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0033" id="link2H_4_0033"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Was'nt Murder After All.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      When the present State House of Illinois, was being built&mdash;and it's a

-      passable edifice, baring it is too low in the ground, and the <i>summer

-      house</i> up on its top is too low to catch the cool breezes&mdash;it

-      chanced that among the workmen engaged upon it was a New Yorker named

-      Johnson. This man had a sovereign contempt for most of the shinplasters

-      then circulating in Illinois; nor was he much amiss in this, for if it was

-      now in existence, it would be exchangable at par with Jeff Davis'

-      shinplasters. But through the instrumentality of Col. Thornton's

-      negotiations in New York with McAlister of Stebbins, (a claim, by the way,

-      that has never been settled but came near <i>settling</i> the State <i>a

-      la</i> Mattoon,) a large amount of the bills of the New York <i>Metropolitan

-      Bank</i> were put into circulation about Springfield. For this currency

-      Johnson conceived so great a partiality that the passion of avarice soon

-      turned it into a mania. He bought all these notes his means permitted, and

-      stored them away about his person with miserly care.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      One Sunday Johnson was invited to ride out to the Cut off by a man (Smith

-      for the nonce) and accepted. They did'nt stop at the Cut-off, but went

-      direct to Sangamon River. Here, they were overheard quarrelling.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Smith came home without Johnson, who was soon missed, and as he was known

-      to have gone away with Smith, that individual was soon put in that log

-      building still standing (it did in '62) back of Carrigan's Hotel, and

-      which has since served as a hen house etc. (Why don't Butler take a

-      picture of it, to show the "rising generation" what a small house used to

-      hold all the <i>known or taken</i> rogues of old Sangamon?)

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The examination of Smith, did not take place until the river bank had been

-      examined. There were signs of a struggle on the bank, and to the water's

-      edge, which gave force to the evidence of the man who heard them in

-      dispute, and all felt convinced that Johnson had been murdered. Although a

-      careful examination and dredging of the river failed to produce the body,

-      Smith was committed for trial.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe was engaged as counsel for Johnson, but had little hopes of

-      being of any earthly aid to him.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      At last the day of trial came, and the prisoner plead "not guilty."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      I think it was Melborn who was the prosecuting Attorney; before the

-      prosecution had opened the case Uncle Abe rose and said:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "May it please the Court, I have a motion to make before the prosecution

-      opens; and as it may save the Court some unnecessary labor, I hope it will

-      be entertained. <i>I move that the indictment be quashed and the prisoner

-      discharged!</i>"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The astonishment of the crowded Court room was immense, shared alike by

-      Judge, bar and spectators. As soon as the Judge recovered his equanimity

-      he asked:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Upon what grounds is so extraordinary a motion made?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why the man Johnson, was not murdered at all, and I have the pleasure of

-      introducing <i>him to the presence of the Court</i>."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Johnson was led forward. Hundreds recognized him immediately, The

-      excitement was so great that the Judge adjourned the Court.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      It seems that the parties had quarreled, Johnson had been pushed into the

-      river, but had got out and wandered off in a state of partial aberation of

-      mind and had been working on a farm. His passion for Metropolitan Bank

-      Notes and his name suggested an idea that he was the missing man, and he

-      was opportunely produced in time to save a man from being hung.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0034" id="link2H_4_0034"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Joe Reed's Mule Hunt.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      One of the best natured fellows in the world, when he is not mad, is Joe

-      Reed, of Logan County, Illinois, Joe is a staunch Republican&mdash;a real

-      rip-rarer in the cause, and has given Uncle Abe the lift of a mighty broad

-      pair of shoulders more than once, although at first he had a poor opinion

-      of the rail-splitter. Thereby hangs a tale.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      In 18&mdash;, (the date is forgotten on account of the coldness of the

-      weather that winter,) Joe lost a couple of mules. After they had been gone

-      for a long time, he chanced to hear of them in a settlement somewhere

-      within the present bounds of Macon County. Illinois. At the first

-      opportunity Joe started on a mule hunt, determined to find either the

-      mules or some <i>trace</i> of them. On reaching the neighborhood in

-      question, Joe was satisfied that an old fellow named Bosby Sheel, had his

-      mules; and when he went in person, and saw them, the assurance of his eyes

-      made "assurance double sure." He at once made claim, but the old fellow

-      had heard that possession was nine points of the law&mdash;he declined to

-      surrender them; Joe immediately appealed to old Squire P&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;,

-      who at once summoned the holder of the mules to his Court. The Squire

-      informed Joe that he would have to prove property; but Joe said he would

-      only have to swear to his property. In this dilemma, the Squire adjourned

-      Court till after dinner and remarked to Joe that he had better get a

-      lawyer.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "There is young Abe Lincoln, he don't live far from here, and he'll be at

-      my house after dinner."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      As he was the only lawyer immediately thereabouts, Joe thought he had best

-      employ him, in order to "have the law on his side."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Soon after dinner a stranger arrived, and the Justice (who was landlord of

-      the only hotel in the settlement,) whispered to Joe, that that was the

-      lawyer.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "What!" exclaimed Joe, "that lean, lank gawky? Why, I'll bet both of them

-      mules I know more law nor he does, for I'm a 'Squire at home myself&mdash;I

-      am."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But his looks is mighty deceivin', I tell you," said Boniface. "He's gin

-      out to be one of the piertest young fellows short o' Sangamon."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      But Joe was decided, and the 'Squire re-convened his Court, he having the

-      meantime laid the case before his young friend, the lawyer, and got his

-      opinion.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Acting his own lawyer, Joe felt it due to his course to give a concise

-      statement of the law. As he stood up, he still continued to read from a

-      green-covered book that had engaged his attention most of the day It was

-      one of Cooper's latest novels. As Joe gave his version of the law, it

-      seemed to 'Squire P&mdash;&mdash;&mdash; that he was <i>reading</i> the

-      law.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Is that really the law?" said he, as Joe finished his version of the law&mdash;not

-      the book. "Let me see that book."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Joe mechanically handed it to him.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      After pouring over it for some time, he handed it back, with an air of

-      disappointment, remarking:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Drat me! if I see any sich law in that book."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, it ain't no wonder ye don't&mdash;that's the <i>Red Rover</i>, a

-      novel and not a law book, and you've been and lost my place too," Joe

-      found his place, and continued: "what I told you is what the law says, and

-      I know it's so."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, as you're a 'Squire, too, I reckon you ought to know. As the mules

-      don't belong to old man Bosby Sheel and you swear they are you'rn, I hold

-      he's bound to give'em up."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Joe rallied the old Squire rather hard about looking over the <i>Red Rover</i>

-      for extra law, but finally "give a treat" and left the Squire and his

-      friend in the best of humors.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Said Uncle Abe when he had the small-pox, "I now can give something to

-      every one who calls."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0035" id="link2H_4_0035"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Has no Influence with the Administration.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Judge Baldwin, an old and highly respectable and sedate gentleman, called

-      a few days since on Gen. Halleck, and presuming upon a familiar

-      acquaintance in California formerly, solicited a pass outside of our

-      lines, to see a brother in Virginia, not thinking that he would be met

-      with a refusal, as both his brother and himself were good Union men.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "We have been deceived too often," said General Halleck, "and I regret I

-      can't grant it."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Judge B. then went to Stanton, and was very briefly disposed of with the

-      same result. Finally he obtained an interview with Uncle Abe, and stated

-      his case.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Have you applied to Gen. Halleck?" inquired the President.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "And met with a flat refusal," said Judge B.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Then you must see Stanton," continued Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I have, and with the same result," was the reply.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, then," said Uncle Abe, with a smile of good humor, "I can do

-      nothing; for you must know <i>that I have very little influence with this

-      Administration</i>."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0036" id="link2H_4_0036"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Touching Incident.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      The following incident, which occurred at the White House, will appeal to

-      every heart. It reveals unmistakably the deep kindness of Uncle Abe's

-      character:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "At a reception recently at the White House, many persons present noticed

-      three little girls poorly dressed, the children of some mechanic or

-      laboring man, who had followed the visitors into the house to gratify

-      their curiosity. They were passed from room to room, and were passing

-      through the reception room with some trepidation, when Uncle Abe, called

-      to them: 'Little girls, are you going to pass me without shaking hands?'

-      Then he bent his tall, awkward form down, and shook each little girl

-      warmly by the hand. Everybody in the apartment was spellbound by the

-      incident, so simple in itself, yet revealing so much of Uncle Abe's

-      character."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0037" id="link2H_4_0037"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Lincoln Man Ducked.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      During the canvass between Uncle Abe, and Peter Cartright, the celebrated

-      Pioneer Preacher, it chanced that Cartright, was returning to his home

-      from the Williamsville and Wiggins Lane settlement. The nearest crossing

-      of the Sangamon was at Carpenter's Mills, where there was the convenience

-      of a ferry instead of a bridge, as is now the case. Upon the hill on the

-      western side of the river, Cartright saw a man elevated upon a barrel in

-      front of a little grocery&mdash;and on nearing him, he discovered that he

-      was giving the Democrats in general, and Uncle Peter Cartright in

-      particular, a perfect fusilade of small shots of slang and abuse.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I tell you, boys, I'm a Whig,&mdash;a real Harrison Tippacanoe and Tyler

-      too, Whig," said he. "I'm for putting down all these cuss'd locofocos, and

-      if we can't vote'em down, why I go for lickin'em' down. There's long Abe

-      Lincoln that's runnin' for the Legislature&mdash;he's the chap to vote

-      for. He's one of the people&mdash;split rails and got his edycation by

-      moonlight. He don't go round the country prayin' and preachin' like that

-      mean Methodist cuss, Peter Cartright, that's runnin' agin him. I'd like to

-      know what we wants of a parson to make laws for us? Just elect him, and

-      fust you know he'll have a bill into the Legislature, to fine us for not

-      goin' to meetin' or for drinkin' a glass of whisky. I'll tell you what, if

-      he ever comes round here, I'll just pass him inter the Sangamon&mdash;certain&mdash;sure."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Just here Uncle Peter Cartright enquired for "the ferryman.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I'm the ferry-man, old hoss," sung out the rustic orator, "and ken put ye

-      cross the river in no time." Uncle Peter signified his desire to cross,

-      and the twain started towards the ferry boat. The Preacher stepping into

-      the boat, hitched his horse to the side, while the ferryman shoved out

-      into the stream.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "So you are a Lincoln man?" queried Uncle Peter. "I'm that hoss."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "And so I presume you would douse a Cartright man if you had a chance?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I mought do it stranger."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Certainly you would douse Mr. Cartright?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Sure's winkin', old fellow."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well Sir, I am Peter Cartright at your service," and before the ferryman

-      recovered from his surprise Uncle Peter pitched him into the river, took

-      the pole and put himself across the river.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The ferryman did'nt vote for Uncle Peter but he altered his opinion of

-      Methodist preachers in general and Uncle Peter in particular.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0038" id="link2H_4_0038"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Comparison.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      One day as Uncle Abe, and a friend were sitting on the House of

-      Representatives steps, the session closed, and the members filed out in a

-      body. Uncle Abe looked after them with a serious smile. "That reminds me,"

-      said he, "of a little incident when I was a boy; my flat boat lay up at

-      Alton on the Mississippi, for a day, and I strolled about the town. I saw

-      a large stone building, with massive stone walls, not so handsome though,

-      as this, and while I was looking at it, the iron gateway opened, and a

-      great body of men came out. 'What do you call that?' I asked a bystander.

-      'That,' said he, 'is the State Prison, and those are all thieves going

-      home. Their time is up.'"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0039" id="link2H_4_0039"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      "There's Enough for All."

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe was terribly bored by the office seekers, even before the

-      Presidential house-warming had scarcely began. The Illinois politicians

-      were the most ravenous pap-Suckers of all.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Just wait a little," said Uncle Abe, "I can assure you, as L&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;d

-      S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;t did the swine, 'there's enough for all.'"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Let us have the story, Uncle Abe," said one of the crowd, who evidently

-      expected something rich.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why, you see," began Uncle Abe, "I attended court many years ago at Mt.

-      Pulaski, the first county seat of Logan County, and there was the jolliest

-      set of rollicking young Lawyers there that you ever saw together. There

-      was Bill F&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n, Bill H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n, L&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;d

-      S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;t, and a lot more, and they mixed law and Latin,

-      water and whisky, with equal success. It so fell out that the whisky

-      seemed to be possessed of the very spirit of Jonah. At any rate, S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;t

-      went out to the hog-pen, and, leaning over, began to 'throw up Jonah.' The

-      hogs evidently thought it feed time, for they rushed forward and began to

-      squabble over the voided matter.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "'Don't fight (hic),' said S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;t: 'there's enough (hic)

-      for all.'"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      &mdash;The politicians couldn't see anything to laugh at, although the

-      "snubbin" was plain enough.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0040" id="link2H_4_0040"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Making a President.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe, in elucidating his estimate of Presidential honors, tells a

-      clever story, as he always does, when he sets about it. It seems that

-      Windy Billy, who is a politician of no ordinary pretensions, was a

-      candidate for the Consulship of Bayonne, and he urged his appointment with

-      the eloquence of a Clay or a Seward. He boasted vociferously of his

-      activity in promoting the success of the Republican ticket, and averred

-      with his impassioned earnestness that he and he alone had made Uncle Abe

-      President.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Ah!" exclaimed Uncle Abe, "and it was you who made me President, was it?"

-      a twinkle in his eye all the time.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes," said Billy, rubbing his hands and throwing out his chest, as a

-      baggage-master would a small valise, "yes, I think I may say I am the man

-      who made you President."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, Billy, my boy, if that's the case, it's a h&mdash;ll of a muss you

-      got me into, that's all."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0041" id="link2H_4_0041"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe Boss of the Cabinet.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      A prominent Senator was remonstrating with Uncle Abe a few days ago about

-      keeping Mr. Chase in his Cabinet, when it was as well known that Mr. C. is

-      opposed, tooth and nail, to Uncle Abe's re-election.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Now, see here," said Uncle Abe, "when I was elected I resolved to hire my

-      four Presidential rivals, pay them their wages and be their 'boss.' These

-      were Seward, Chase, Cameron and Bates; but I got rid of Cameron after he

-      had played himself out. As to discharging Chase or Seward, don't talk of

-      it. I pay them their wages and am their boss, and would'nt let either of

-      them out on the loose for the fee simple of the Almaden patent."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0042" id="link2H_4_0042"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Peter Cartright's Wonder.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Some of the farmers in and about Saggamon county, Illinois, have been and

-      still are so intent on cattle-raising, that the business is a sort of

-      cattle-mania. Uncle Peter was one Sunday preaching near a good old deacon

-      of this sort, whose piety was somewhat like that of a card-playing lady

-      mentioned by Addison, (Spectator No. 7,) who had a set hour for her

-      devotions, and if she happened to be at a game, would get a friend to

-      "hold her hand" while she said her prayers. Our worthy deacon was rather

-      vain of his "gift" praying and saying "blessings" at table. As a matter of

-      courtesy, he might occasionally ask a visiting preacher to pray or ask a

-      blessing; but he never failed to exhibit his "gift" to his visitors. He

-      had a singsong way of "getting it off," at the same time beating time with

-      his hands on either side of his plate. On the occasion alluded to, he

-      began&mdash;"Oh Lord! (thump) bless the creature comforts (thump) provided

-      for our (thump) sustenance (thump.) Bless it (thump) to our needs (thump)

-      and necessities, (thump). Lead us aright, (thump) but if we stray (thump)

-      put us back (thump) into the right path, (thump). Bless the stranger

-      (thump) that comes beneath our roof, (thump) and keep his feet (thump) in

-      pleasant paths, (thump). What we ask (thump) amiss, (thump) withhold;

-      (thump) but grant us what our (thump) short-sightedness omits, (thump) and

-      thine be the glory (thump) now and for ever, (thump) a&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      And here the old deacon stopped suddenly, opened his eyes, and looking

-      across the table, asked:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Son John, did Mr. Jones settle yet for that Durham cow?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes, father&mdash;it's all right."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Amen," concluded the deacon.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Cattle! cattle!" exclaimed Uncle Peter in ill-concealed disgust.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why, you can't say your prayers without having cattle running through

-      your head; I wonder the Lord don't turn such Christians into cattle!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0043" id="link2H_4_0043"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe a Shaksperian.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      When Uncle Abe was making a plea in one of the county Circuit Courts, not

-      far from Springfield, one of the lawyers becoming sensible that he was

-      being out-generaled, remarked to Uncle Abe, as he sat down&mdash;

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I smell a mice."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why don't you quote Shakspeare correctly?" said Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why," said the other, "I was not aware that I Was quoting Shakspeare at

-      all."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Certainly you were, and had you done it properly, it would have been more

-      expressive and less vulgar. The correct expression is, 'I smell a

-      device.'"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0044" id="link2H_4_0044"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      The Running Sickness.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      In the Black Hawk war, Uncle Abe belonged to a militia company in the

-      service. On a scout, the company encountered the Indians, and in a brisk

-      skirmish drove them some miles, when, night coming on, our forces

-      encamped. Great was the consternation on discovering that Lincoln was

-      missing. His absence or rather his stories, from the bivouac, was a

-      misfortune. Suddenly, however, he came into camp. "Maj. Abe, is that you?

-      Thought you were killed. Where've you been?" were the startling

-      speculations. "Yes," said Uncle Abe, "this is me&mdash;ain't killed

-      either."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But where have you been all the time?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh, just over there."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But what were you over there for? Didn't run away, did you?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "No," said he deliberately, "I don't think I run away; but, after all, I

-      reckon if anybody had seen me going, and had been told I was going for a

-      doctor, he would have thought somebody was almighty sick."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0045" id="link2H_4_0045"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      How to Get Rid of Rats.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      So thick had the rats become in Logan County, a few years ago, that the

-      means of getting rid of the nuisance was freely discussed. The newly

-      organized Agricultural Society, finally concluded to offer three premiums

-      for the then largest numbers. The man who took the largest prize,

-      exhibited over 1,700 scalps all caught in the space of three weeks. At the

-      time these prizes were pending, Uncle Abe attended Court there, and Col. L&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n,

-      (a considerable gourmand,) by the way, was discussing the best way to get

-      rid of the rats, and finally asked Uncle Abe's opinion.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why," said Uncle Abe, "rats are a 'cunning cattle,' and soon find out how

-      things are going. I introduce them to your table as a delicacy, and when

-      they find out you are making 'game' of them they will soon give you a wide

-      berth."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The Colonel winced under a faint impression; but silently ratified Uncle

-      Abe's conclusions. "Yes," chimed in M&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;, "we might go

-      so far as to use their pelts to ornament our winter clothing."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0046" id="link2H_4_0046"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Palpable Application

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      On a late occasion, when the White House was open to the public, a farmer

-      from one of the border counties of Virginia told Uncle Abe that the Union

-      soldiers, in passing his farm, had helped themselves not only to hay, but

-      his horses, and he hoped the President would urge the proper officer to

-      consider his claim immediately. "Why, my dear sir," replied Uncle Abe,

-      blandly, "I couldn't think of such a thing. If I considered individual

-      cases, I should find work for twenty Presidents!" Bowie urged his needs

-      persistently; Uncle Abe declined good-naturedly. "But," said the

-      persevering sufferer, "couldn't you just give me a line to Colonel &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;-

-      about it? just one line?" "Ha, ha, ha!" responded amiable Uncle Abe,

-      shaking himself fervently, and crossing his legs the other way, "that

-      reminds me of old Jack Chase out in Illinois." At this the crowd huddled

-      forward to listen. "You have seen Jack&mdash;I knew him like a brother&mdash;used

-      to be a lumberman on the Illinois, and he was steady and sober, and the

-      best raftsman on the river. It was quite a trick twenty-five years ago to

-      take the logs over the rapids, but he was skillful, with a raft, and

-      always kept her straight in the channel. Finally a steamboat was put on,

-      and Jack&mdash;he's dead now, poor fellow!&mdash;was made captain of her.

-      He used to take the wheel going through the rapids. One day, when the boat

-      was plunging and wallowing along the boiling current, and Jack's utmost

-      vigilance was exercised to keep her in the narrow channel, a boy pulled

-      his coat tail, and hailed him with, 'Sir, Mister Captain! I wish you'd

-      just stop your boat a minute&mdash;I've lost my apple overboard!'"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0047" id="link2H_4_0047"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe on the Whisky Question.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      A committee, just previous to the fall of Vicksburg, solicitous for the <i>morale</i>

-      of our armies, took it upon themselves to visit the President and urge the

-      removal of General Grant. .

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "What for?" asked Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why," replied the busy-bodies, "he drinks too much whisky."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Ah!" rejoined Uncle Abe, "can you inform me gentlemen, where General

-      Grant procures his whisky?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The committee confessed they could not.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Because," added Uncle Abe, with a merry twinkle in his eye, "If I can

-      find out, I'll send a barrel of it to every General in the field!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The delegation retired in reasonable good order.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0048" id="link2H_4_0048"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Edwards vs. Lincoln.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      One day soon after Uncle Abe began the canvass with Judge Douglas for the

-      United States Senate, Lincoln, an Editor, accosted Nivian W. Edwards,

-      (Uncle Abe's brother-in-law,) as Mr. Lincoln himself.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well," said Edwards, "I think I must be growing taller and uglier every

-      day, for this is the sixth time I've been taken for Abe within a week."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Notwithstanding Edwards was a Democrat and a joker, Uncle Abe made him a

-      commissary in the army.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0049" id="link2H_4_0049"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Metalic Ring.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      The new practical postal currency have upon the face, a faint oval ring of

-      bronze, encircling the vignette. Uncle Abe being asked its use, replied

-      that it was a faint attempt on the part of Mr. Chase, to give the new

-      currency a metalic ring.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0050" id="link2H_4_0050"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Grateful Postmaster.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Said a long legged hoosier, on receiving the appointment of Postmaster, in

-      Sangamon County, "I tell you Uncle Abe, you're a hoss," "yes replied Uncle

-      Abe, a <i>draft</i> horse."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0051" id="link2H_4_0051"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Serious Joke.

-    </h2>

-    <h3>

-      Washington, February 18, 1864

-    </h3>

-    <p>

-      To Wm. Fishback

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      When I fixed a <i>plan</i> for an election in Arkansas I did it in

-      ignorance that your convention was at the same work. Since I learned the

-      latter fact I have been constantly trying to yield my <i>plan</i> to

-      theirs. I have sent two letters to General Steel, and three or four

-      dispatches to you and others, saying that (General Steel,) must be master,

-      but that it will probably be best for him to keep the convention on its

-      own <i>plan</i>. Some single mind must be master, else there will be no

-      agreement on any thing; and General Steel, commanding the military, and

-      being on the ground, is the best man to be that master. Even now citizens

-      are telegraphing me to postpone the election to a later day than either

-      fixed by the Convention or me This discord must be silenced.

-    </p>

-    <h3>

-      A. LINCOLN.

-    </h3>

-    <p>

-      A young Massachusetts soldier, named Merrill, writes a Washington

-      correspondent, had on ounce ball pass through his head during the battle

-      of Fredericksburg. It entered near his right eye and was extracted behind

-      his left ear. Another ball would have entered a vital part of his body had

-      it not been arrested by a Testament, in which it lodged. When this

-      safeguard was shown to Uncle Abe, he sent to the hospital a handsome

-      pocket Bible, in which was written: "Charles V. Merrill, Co. A. 19th

-      Massachusetts, from A. Lincoln."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Major-General Grant,&mdash;Understanding that your lodgment at

-      Chattanooga and Knoxville is now secure I wish to tender you, and all

-      under your command, my more than thanks&mdash;my profoundest gratitude&mdash;for

-      the skill, courage, and perseverence with which you and they, over so

-      great difficulties, have effected that important object. God bless you

-      all!

-    </p>

-    <h3>

-      "A. LINCOLN."

-    </h3>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0052" id="link2H_4_0052"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Fix the Date.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe, was conversing with some friends and remarked, "There's a good

-      Time coming," a countryman stepped up to Uncle Abe, and said: "Mister, you

-      could'nt fix to date, could yous?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0053" id="link2H_4_0053"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Rival of Uncle Abe.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Old Abe has got off many good things since he left Springfield, but the

-      following equals anything which has proceeded from that veteran joker.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "In the Georgia Legislature, Mr. Linton Stephens, brother of the rebel

-      Vice President, introduced a resolution in the House of Representatives

-      declaring that peace be officially offered to the enemy after every

-      Confederate victory."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0054" id="link2H_4_0054"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe's Estimate of the Senate.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe, says that in the Senate, he "owns nine of the Senators and

-      one-half of another."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Who owns the other half?" asked a gentleman to whom Uncle Abe was

-      speaking. "Henry Wilson of Massachusetts," replied the Chief Magistrate,

-      "Wilson is for me," says the President, "before breakfast; rather against

-      me while his digestion is going on after it; loves me like pie during the

-      hours which he spends visiting the various departments and asking for

-      places and patronage; and bitterly my enemy from seven every evening until

-      he goes to bed, drops asleep and commences snoring. Wilson is carrying

-      water on both shoulders but I guess he'll get a wetting and soil his

-      clothes before he gets through."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0055" id="link2H_4_0055"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      "Thought he Must be Good for Something."

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      An Illinois man who had known the "boy Mayor," John Hay, from boyhood, was

-      expressing to Uncle Abe, after the massacre at Olustee, some regret that

-      he should have supposed him capable of any military position.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "About Hay," said Uncle Abe, "the fact was, I was pretty much like Jim

-      Hawks, out in Illinois, who sold a dog to a hunting neighbor, as a

-      first-rate coon dog. A few days after, the fellow brought him back, saying

-      he 'wasn't worth a cuss for coons.' 'Well,' said Jim, I tried him for

-      everything else, and he wasn't worth a d&mdash;&mdash;n, and so I thought

-      he <i>must</i> be good for coons.'"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0056" id="link2H_4_0056"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Aptly Said.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      To a man who was condoling Uncle Abe on the disaster at Olustee, and

-      suggesting how it might have been prevented, he said:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Your remarks are well intended, doubtless; but they do little less than

-      aggravate a thing which I can't help thinking might have been helped. It

-      reminds me of a story that I read when I was a boy. An old fellow who had

-      clambered rather high into an apple tree, fell and broke his arm. A

-      sympathizing and philosophic neighbor, seeing his mishap, went to his aid.

-      'Ah,' said he, 'if you had followed my plan you would have escaped this.'

-      'Indeed, what is your plan?' enquired the groaning man. 'Why, never to let

-      go both hands, till you get one hold somewhere else.'"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The would-be Brigadier saw the point, and left.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I see you've got to the sticking point at last," as the Democrat remarked

-      to a slippery Republican, whose team had gone into the ground up to the

-      hub.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "They have gone up every Creek and Bayou where it was a little damp."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Linkums" Sold Cheap.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Daring the Presidential contest of 1860, there was an Italian artist of

-      plaster figures in Springfield, who supplied "leetel Linkums," as he

-      called his figures, faster than ever Uncle Abe did. He succeeded in

-      putting one of these Republican penates into every Republican house in

-      town, but they finally became a "drug" in the market. However, he kept his

-      "asking price" up; but his selling price was as various as his buyers, and

-      hard to deal with.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      One day, with a load of these upon his head, he entered a jeweller's shop,

-      and accosted the man behind the counter with&mdash; *

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "You buys'em leetel Linkums?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "No&mdash;don't want'em."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Sells'em cheap," persisted the Italian.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, how do you sell to-day?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Fifty cent piece."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I'll give you a dollar for the lot," said A&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;,

-      expecting to pose the Italian.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "You takes'em," greedily exclaimed the artist, and he left Mr. L. A. A&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n

-      with a lot of plaster on hand which he had hard work to give away.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "There's an odor of nationality about those bills, said Secretary Chase,

-      showing a lot of the firstlings of his greenbacks to Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "A very good figure of speech," replied Uncle Abe, "but you must not get

-      too many under the public nostril, or your figure of speech will be an

-      odor of fact."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      April 1, 1862, greenbacks, 100. April 1, 1864, greenbacks, 55.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0057" id="link2H_4_0057"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe as a Pilot.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      The captain of one of the Mississippi river steamers one morning, while

-      his boat was lying at her moorings at New Orleans, waiting for the tardy

-      pilot, who, it appears, was a rather uncertain sort of fellow, saw a tall,

-      gaunt Sucker make his appearance before the captain's office, and sing out&mdash;

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Hello, cap'n! you don't want a pilot nor nothin' about this 'ere craft,

-      do ye?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "How do you know I don't?" responded the captain.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh, you don't understand; I axed you s'posin' you did?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Then, supposing I do, what of it?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well," said Uncle Abe, for it was he, "I reckon I know suthin' about that

-      ere sort o' business, provided you wanted a feller of jest about my size."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The captain gave him a scrutinising glance, and with an expression of

-      countenance which seemed to say, "I should pity the steamer that you

-      piloted," asked&mdash;

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Are you acquainted with the river, and do you know where the snags are?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, ye-as," responded Uncle Abe rather hesitatingly, "I'm pretty well

-      acquainted with the river, but the snags, I don't know exactly so much

-      about them."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Don't know about the snags?" exclaimed the captain, contemptuously,

-      "don't know about the snags! You'd make a pretty pilot!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      At this Uncle Abe's countenance assumed anything but an angelic

-      expression, and with a darkened brow and a fiercely flashing eye, he drew

-      himself up to his full height, and indignantly roared back in a voice of

-      thunder:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "What do I want to know where the snags are for, old sea-hoss? I know

-      where they ain't, and there's where I do my sailing!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      It is sufficient to know that Uncle Abe was promptly engaged, and that the

-      captain takes pleasure in saying that he proved himself one of the best

-      pilots on the river.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      (Wonder if Uncle Abe has forgotten how to sail in clear water? A. A.)

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0058" id="link2H_4_0058"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe's Valentine.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe on the 14th of last February, received a valentine in the shape

-      of a picture of the American eagle, with a financial allusion. The bird of

-      freedom appeared to be engaged in picking up gold coin, while at the end

-      of the bird most remote from his head there was a pile of "green-backs,"

-      into which this coin seemed to have been mysteriously transmuted.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe, who takes such things philosophically, and always acknowledges

-      a palpable hit with grace and good natured cheerfulness, went to his

-      Secretary of the Treasury, to exhibit his bird, in order that the latter

-      might enjoy the joke with him. Mr. Chase, however, was not disposed to

-      take the matter in the same spirit Uncle Abe did; but appeared to be much

-      out of humor at this hieroglyphical attack upon his department of the

-      government. In tones in which there was evidently a slight admixture of

-      irritability, he remarked to Uncle Abe that he would like to know who had

-      made this unwarrantable attack upon his financial management of the

-      affairs of the nation&mdash;that he feared that some of his subordinates

-      had got up this libel upon him, and that he would give a hundred dollars

-      to know who had done it. Uncle Abe? whose question-asking proclivities are

-      well known, said that the offer seemed liberal; "but, Mr. Chase," said he,

-      "before I shall make up my mind on this subject, will you allow me to ask

-      you one question?" "Certainly," replied the Secretary. "I merely wanted to

-      understand," said Uncle Abe, "at which end of the bird you propose to

-      pay?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "'Et tu Brute?'" responded the head of the Treasury department. "If I am

-      thus to be made the subject of ridicule, I must renew my application to be

-      relieved from my duties as Secretary."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "O, never mind! never mind! Mr. Secretary," said Uncle Abe, "we can soon

-      remedy all these difficulties. All we have to do, after we have suppressed

-      this rebellion, is to turn the bird end for end, and let the gold and

-      'greenbacks' remain just as they are and all will come out right." The

-      Secretary, restored to good humor, agreed not to resign unless Seward did.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "That reminds me of a little story."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0059" id="link2H_4_0059"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      "My Mary Ann."

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Many months ago the post commander at Cairo was a certain West Point

-      colonel of a Northwestern regiment, noted for his soldierly qualities and

-      rigid discipline. One day he passed by the barracks and heard a group of

-      soldiers singing the well-known street piece, "My Mary Ann." An angry

-      shade crossed his brow, and he forthwith ordered the men to be placed in

-      the guard-house, where they remained all night The next morning he visited

-      them, when one ventured to ask the cause of their confinement.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Cause enough," said the rigid colonel; "you were singing a song in

-      derision of Mrs. Colonel B&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The men replied by roars of laughter, and it was some time before the

-      choler of the Colonel could be sufficiently subdued to understand that the

-      song was an old one, and sung by half the school-boys in the land, or the

-      risibles of the men be calmed down to learn that the colonel's wife

-      rejoiced in the name of "Mary Ann."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe made the Colonel a Brigadier the moment he heard this story.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0060" id="link2H_4_0060"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe's Honor.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      At one time Uncle Abe aspired to a position on the bench, and Mrs.

-      Lincoln, so as to be prepared for the event, practiced the habit of

-      calling her husband "his Honor," or "your Honor," as the case might be.

-      Uncle Abe never, however, succeeded to the dignity of the ermine; but

-      attending Circuit at Chicago, and stopping at the &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;

-      Hotel, Mrs. L. accompanied her husband, as was her custom. Uncle Abe had

-      donned a bran new pair of boots, which were anything but comfortable, and

-      almost as uncertain as a pair of skates to a learner on the keenest of

-      ice. Mrs. Lincoln was enjoying herself in the parlor in a chit-chat with a

-      number of other ladies, and putting on as many airs as her provincial

-      position in Springfield would admit, when a strange, rumbling sound

-      disturbed the pleasant company, who rushed out to learn what was the

-      matter. Lo and behold! there was Uncle Abe in the undignified predicament

-      of tumbling down stairs and bumping the end of his spine upon every step.

-      The new boots, or the swig of forty-rod which he had taken in his

-      bed-room, had proved traitor to him. Mrs. Lincoln was nearly non-plussed,

-      but exclaimed in a consoling voice, "Is your Honor hurt?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "No," said Uncle Abe, sitting gracefully on the carpet, with legs spread

-      out amidst the bevy of tittering damsels, and rubbing the seat of his

-      trowsers, "No, my honor is not hurt but my&mdash;my&mdash;my head is!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0061" id="link2H_4_0061"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      "Smoke That."

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      During the session of the Legislature of Illinois, in 1836-7, the Sangamon

-      County delegation of nine members, became known as the "Long Nine," from

-      the fact of their remarkable average height. In this delegation were Uncle

-      Abe, Gen. Baker, (killed at Bull's Bluff,) N. W. Edwards, (brother-in-law

-      of Uncle Abe, and now Captain commissary,) and some others of note in

-      their day. A law had passed the previous session to remove the capital

-      from Vandalia to Springfield, to be carried out as soon as a new capitol

-      could be built. In the meantime, Gen. W. L. D. Ewing, an influential

-      Egyptian member, made periodical efforts to repeal the law and keep the

-      capital at Vandalia. During the session of 1837, we had a regular tilt

-      with the "long nine," during which, whenever Uncle Abe or Gen. Baker made

-      a point, Ewing would be saluted with the cry "smoke that!" in allusion to

-      "long nines," a popular kind of cigars used at that day. This probably

-      gave rise to saying, "put that in your pipe and smoke it."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0062" id="link2H_4_0062"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Sufficient Reason.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Some one recently asked Uncle Abe why he didn't promote merit? "Because

-      merit never helped promote me," said our Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0063" id="link2H_4_0063"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      The Boy and the Bear.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      A committee of the enemies of Mr. Chase called on the President just after

-      the Pomroy circular was sent forth and advised him to purify his cabinet

-      and let Chase go. Old Abe replied that "it is not so easy a thing to let

-      Chase go. I am situated very much as the boy was who held the bear by the

-      hind legs. I will tell you how it was. There was a very vicious bear

-      which, after being some time chased by a couple of boys, turned upon his

-      pursuers. The boldest of the two ran up and caught the bear by the hind

-      legs, while the other climbed up into a little tree, and complacently

-      witnessed the conflict going on beneath, between the bear and his

-      companion. The tussel was a sharp one, and the boy, after becoming quite

-      exhausted, cried out in alarm, 'Bill, for God's sake come down and help me

-      let this darned bear go!' Now, gentlemen," said Mr. Lincoln, "you see what

-      a fix I am in&mdash;it may be dangerous to hold on to Chase, but it will

-      require more assistance than I see at present, to help me let him go."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0064" id="link2H_4_0064"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Too Deep.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      During the Black Hawk war, when the valiant Illinoisians were in hasty

-      retreat from what they thought certain scalping, and the roads exclusively

-      bad, in fact, unfathomable mud.&mdash;In this predicament, the corps in

-      which Uncle Abe was, became somewhat scattered, when the officer

-      commanding, called out to the men to form <i>two deep</i>. "Blast me!"

-      shouted Abe from a slough, in which he was nearly buried, "I am too deep

-      already; I am up to the neck."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0065" id="link2H_4_0065"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe's First Speech.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      When Uncle Abe first made his appearance in the Illinois House of

-      Representatives, and was desirous of delivering his sentiments on a

-      certain measure, he rose and began:&mdash;"Mr. Speaker, <i>I conceive</i>&mdash;&mdash;"

-      but could go no further. Thrice he repeated unsuccessfully the same

-      attempt; when Douglas, who had more confidence, and had been a year longer

-      in the House, completely dumbfounded Abe by saying: "Mr. Speaker, The

-      honorable gentleman has <i>conceived three times, and brought forth

-      nothing.</i>"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0066" id="link2H_4_0066"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Cute.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      One night Uncle Abe came wet and cold to a cross road tavern in Indiana,

-      and found the fire more thoroughly blockaded with Hoosiers than mother

-      Welles has been able to blockade the Southern Confederacy. Abe ordered the

-      landlord to carry his horse a peck of catfish. "He can't eat catfish,"

-      said Boniface. "Try him," said Abe, "there's nothing like trying." The

-      crowd all rushed after the landlord to see Abe's horse eat the peck of

-      catfish. "He won't eat them, as I told you," said the landlord, on

-      returning. "Then," coolly responded Uncle Abe, who had squatted on the

-      best seat, "bring them to me and I'll eat them myself."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0067" id="link2H_4_0067"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Abe's Spelling.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Being asked by a client in Springfield why he spelled so badly in his law

-      papers, Uncle Abe replied, "Because, the Suckers are so cussed mean they

-      won't pay for good spelling."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0068" id="link2H_4_0068"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Soldier's Theory of the War.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      The soldiers at Helena, in Arkansas, used to amuse the inhabitants of that

-      place, on their first arrival, by telling them yarns, of which the

-      following is a sample:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Some time ago Jeff. Davis got tired of the war and invited President

-      Lincoln to meet him on neutral ground to discuss terms of peace. They met

-      accordingly, and after a talk, concluded to settle the war by dividing the

-      territory and stopping the fighting. The North took the Northern States,

-      and the South the Gulf and seaboard Southern States. Lincoln took Texas

-      and Missouri, and Davis Kentucky and Tennessee; so that all were parcelled

-      off excepting Arkansas. Lincoln did'nt want it&mdash;Jeff, would'nt have

-      it. Neither would consent to take it, and on that they split; and the war

-      has been going on ever since."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0069" id="link2H_4_0069"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Nigger Mathematics.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe was lately visited by one of the "On to Richmond" sword of

-      Gideon gentry, who confidently expressed the hope, so common among the

-      Abolition noodles, that Lee's army would be "bagged." Uncle Abe grinned to

-      the utmost of his classic mouth, and remarked that he was afraid there

-      would be too much "nigger mathematics" in it. The visitor smiled at the

-      allusion, as he felt bound in politeness to do supposing there must be

-      something in it, though he could not see the point. "But I suppose you

-      don't know what 'nigger mathematics' is," continued Uncle Abe. "Lay down

-      your hat a minute, and I'll tell you." He, himself, resumed the sitting

-      posture leaned back in his chair, elevated his heels on the table, and

-      went on with his story. "There was a darkey in my neighborhood, called

-      Pompey, who, from a certain quickness in figuring up the prices of

-      chickens and vegetables, got the reputation of being a mathematical

-      genius. Johnson, a darkey preacher, heard of Pompey, and called to see

-      him. 'Here ye're a great mat'm'tishum, Pompey.' 'Yes sar, you jas try.'

-      'Well Pompey, Ize compound a problem in mat'matics.' 'All right, sar.'

-      'Now, Pompey, spose dere am tree pigeons sittin' on a rail fence, and you

-      fire a gun at'em and shoot one, how many's left?' 'Two, ob cooors,'

-      replies Pompey after a little wool scratching. 'Ya-ya-ya,' laughs Mr.

-      Johnson; 'I knowed you was a fool, Pompey; dere's <i>none</i> left&mdash;one's

-      dead, and d'udder two's flown away.' "That's what makes me say," continued

-      Uncle Abe, "that I am afraid there was too much nigger mathematics in the

-      Pennsylvania campaign." And the result showed that in this instance, at

-      least, the anecdote suited the fact. Lee's army was then three pigeons.

-      One of them was taken down at Gettysburg, but the other two flew off over

-      the Potomac.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0070" id="link2H_4_0070"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Long and Short of it.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      "Here I am, and here is Mrs. Lincoln, and that's the long and short of

-      it."&mdash;<i>Speech of Mr. Lincoln from the balcony of the White House at

-      Washington</i>.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0071" id="link2H_4_0071"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Handy Faculty.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Whilst Uncle Abe was passing, in his flat-boat, a small town on the

-      Wabash, an old chum accosted him from shore thus:&mdash;

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Uncle Abe, are you asleep?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Because, I want to borrow some whiskey."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Then" said Abe, "<i>I am asleep.</i>"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      And he rolled over drowsily on the flat-boat, and it passed on.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0072" id="link2H_4_0072"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe on Time.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      A Methodist dominie was lecturing Abe on his love of gambling. "Ah

-      Abraham, it is a grievous sin&mdash;in the first place, consider the loss

-      of time."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes," replied Uncle Abe, "I have often begrudged the loss of time&mdash;in

-      <i>shuffling and dealing</i>."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0073" id="link2H_4_0073"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Story that had no Reminder.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      During a conversation which took place between Uncle Abe and a

-      distinguished western senator, the recent legislative nominations for the

-      next presidency were incidentally referred to. "Yes," said Uncle Abe,

-      nursing his leg with evident gratification&mdash;"yes senator, the current

-      seems to be setting all one way!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "It does, really, seem to be setting all one way," was the answer of the

-      senator; "but, Mr. Lincoln, as you have told me several good stories since

-      I have been here, permit me if you please, to tell <i>you</i> one. It has

-      always been observed that the Atlantic Ocean, at the Straits of Gibraltar,

-      constantly pours into the Mediterranean with tremendous volume. The

-      Bosphorus empties into it, at its other end, and rivers are seen

-      contributing to its waters all along its coast. It was for many years the

-      constant puzzle of geographers, why the Mediterranean, under all these

-      accessions, never got full, and overran its banks. After a while, however,

-      a curious fellow took the notion of dropping a plummet in the center of

-      the Straits, when, lo! he discovered that, though the tremendous body of

-      water on the surface was rushing inward from the ocean, a still more

-      powerful body was passing outward, in a counter current, some twenty feet

-      below!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh, ah!" said Uncle Abe, seriously, evidently nonplussed, for the first

-      time in his life; "that <i>does not</i> remind me of any story I ever

-      heard before!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0074" id="link2H_4_0074"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Has it "Gin Out?"

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      We do not know what joke Uncle Abe made when he heard the news of the

-      surrender of Plymouth. In regard to the Fort Pillow affair he made a

-      Bunsby speech, but no joke. His last joke, of which we have any knowledge,

-      occurred when Secretary Chase was starting on his trip to New York. Uncle

-      Abe is like Cromwell without his military genius, and is very fond of

-      playing practical jokes on his associates. It is said that after Cromwell

-      had signed the warrant for the execution of King Charles he turned round

-      to one of his colleagues and smeared his face with the ink. This he

-      thought capital fun. Uncle Abe's jokes are of about the same quality. When

-      Chase called upon him to say good bye, the Secretary of the Treasury asked

-      for some information about the probable end of the war, saying it would

-      help him greatly in getting more money in Wall street. "Do you want more

-      money?" asked Lincoln, and then quickly added, "What! has the printing

-      machine gin out?" This joke is fully equal to Cromwell's.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0075" id="link2H_4_0075"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Major

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      At one of Uncle Abe's levees recently, among the Company was a

-      Pennsylvania Avenue tailor whom Abe recognized but could not name. "My

-      dear Sir} I remember your face, but I forget your name," said Uncle Abe.

-      The knight of the needle whispered confidentially into Uncle Abe's ear. "I

-      made your breeches." Uncle Abe took him most affectionately by the hand

-      and exclaimed enthusiastically "Major Breeches, I am happy to meet you at

-      the White House!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0076" id="link2H_4_0076"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Dry Drop.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      A refugee from Richmond was telling Uncle Abe of the sad state of affairs

-      reigning there. Among other things he said liquor was so scarce that the

-      rebel President himself could scarcely get a drop to drink.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "He ought not to have a drop <i>to drink</i> in this world or the next,"

-      said Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "You are rather severe," replied the refugee.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well," said Uncle Abe, "if you think a drop would do him good, let it be

-      a drop from the scaffold."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0077" id="link2H_4_0077"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe as a Physiognomist.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      While the western governors were in conversation the other day, one of

-      them asked him if he remembered a certain Major of the &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;

-      Illinois regiment.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe replied that "he could'nt say that he did." The gentleman who

-      addressed him then tried to jog the executive memory a little by

-      mentioning a circumstance or two connected with the Major's history.

-      Finally Uncle Abe remembered him very well&mdash;which fact he stated in

-      the following graphic language: "O yes, I know who you mean. <i>It's that

-      turkey egg faced fellow that you'd think did'nt know as much as a last

-      year's bird's nest</i>." This was the very individual referred to. It will

-      be seen that Uncle Abe has other fortes than statesmanship&mdash;and that

-      of a physiognoist is one of them.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0078" id="link2H_4_0078"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      The Concrete vs. the Abstract.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Dick Yates, the jolly Governor of the Suckers, tells that he called on

-      Uncle Abe one morning when he was trying to get the 88,000 "Hundredazers"

-      accepted, and that during their interview Uncle Abe remarked: "Yates, I'll

-      tell you the difference between the concrete and the abstract. When the

-      Senate passed a resolution requesting me not to appoint any more

-      Brigadiers, as the vacancies were all full, that's the concrete. But when

-      a Senator comes up here with a long petition and a longer face, requesting

-      me to make a brigadier out of some scallawag of a friend of his, as it

-      happens every day&mdash;I call that the abstract."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0079" id="link2H_4_0079"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Symptoms of Civilization.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe and his chums were wrecked and swamped once on a trip to New

-      Orleans, and having waded ashore, were in search of shelter and

-      refreshment, without much prospect of success, in a thickly timbered

-      bottom. They had traveled through the forest a long distance, and were in

-      despair of finding any human habitation, when they discovered a negro

-      hanging on the projecting limb of a tree. "The joy," said Abe, when

-      telling the adventure, "which this cheering view excited, cannot be

-      described, for it convinced us that we were in a <i>civilized country.</i>"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0080" id="link2H_4_0080"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe goes into Partnership.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      In the days when Uncle Abe plied the flat-boat business on the Wabash and

-      Sangamon, he made it a practice to troll for catfish and dispose of them

-      to the planters in Mississippi, when passing their plantations. This

-      brought him quite a revenue, which was always expended for "forty rod"

-      whisky, or the fish were traded off direct for that fluid chain lightning.

-      Once while passing the plantation of Mr. Percy, he was bound to have some

-      forty rod, and went ashore with a fine lot of fish. A large party were

-      assembled at the mansion of the aristocratic Percy; when Julius C�sar

-      informed him that Uncle Abe was below with some very fine fish. "Well,"

-      said Percy, "give him his forty rod as usual, and let him go."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But sah, he won't take it dis time," said the darkey, "he wants a hundred

-      lashes on the bare back, well laid on massa." Uncle Abe insisted to the

-      surprise of every one on this strange price for his fish, and Mr. Percy to

-      humor him, complied, directing the overseer to cut him gently. When Uncle

-      Abe had received the fiftieth lash, he cried, "Hold! I have got a partner

-      in this business, to whom I have engaged to give half of whatever I should

-      get for the fish&mdash;this overseer would not admit me only on that

-      condition." O course the overseer had his share well paid, and Abe got his

-      forty-rod as usual, with something added.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0081" id="link2H_4_0081"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Abe Passing Counterfeit Money.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      One day a poor woman ran into Uncle Abe's law office in great fright

-      exclaiming:&mdash;

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh, Mr. Lincoln, my boy has swallowed a penny!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Was it a counterfeit," coolly asked Mr. Lincoln.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "No, certainly not," replied the woman, somewhat indignantly.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh! well, then <i>it will pass</i>, of course," said Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      It is hardly necessary to add that the anxious mother went home comforted

-      and that the boy who "swallowed the penny," at the last

-      Presidentia-election voted for "Honest Old Abe."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0082" id="link2H_4_0082"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      The Wrong Man Poulticed.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      At the famous watering place, of the Blue Lick Springs, Uncle Abe was

-      severely afflicted with a pain in the stomach, which neither gin

-      cock-tails nor other cordials could remove. It was night and he was in

-      bed. His loving wife, unwilling to awake the domestics, descended to the

-      kitchen, and prepared mustard poultice, which she spread on her own

-      handkerchief, and proceeded with it to the distressed Uncle Abe. Before

-      leaving him, she left a light dimly burning in the apartment; but deeply

-      impressed with anxiety, she was not as careful as she might have been in

-      noting the number of her room.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Guided by a light which she saw shining in a chamber, and which she

-      supposed was the one she had left, she entered, and gently raising the bed

-      clothes, &amp;c., laid the warm poultice upon a stomach but not the

-      stomach of Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Hello there! What the &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash; are you about?"

-      shouted a voice of thunder, and the body and sleeves? whence it issued,

-      sprang out of bed.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The lady screamed and ran; Uncle Abe rushed to the rescue from the next

-      room, the waiters joined and a small scene ensued, much to the amusement

-      of all concerned. The poulticed gentleman had indiscreetly left a light in

-      his room, and this lured the lady from her path.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe was so amused and excited by the mistake that he quite forgot

-      his pains; but early the next morning, with his wife and trunks, left for

-      Springfield, 111. The poulticed man still retains the handkerchief&mdash;a

-      beautiful cambric&mdash;with the lady's name on it, the initials of

-      Frances Amelia E. Todd.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0083" id="link2H_4_0083"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe as School Superintendent.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      When Uncle Abe kept grocery on the Sangamon he was elected as School

-      Superintendent out of his district. It was his duty to examine the

-      applicant teachers on mathematics; which he once did in this wise in his

-      grocery store. "If two pigs weigh twenty pounds how much will a large hog

-      weigh."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Jump into the scales," said the weilder of the birch, "and I'll soon tell

-      you."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Abe did not examine him further in mathematics.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0084" id="link2H_4_0084"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe's Nose.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe being asked once why he walked so crookedly? said, "Oh my nose,

-      you see, is crooked, and I have to follow it!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0085" id="link2H_4_0085"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Take Away the Fowls.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      After Uncle Abe had studied law some time and whilst travelling in the

-      Prairie country in Knox County, Illinois, he stopped at the house of Mrs.

-      Galt, an old Scotch lady whose husband was largely engaged in wool

-      growing. Abe at this time was beginning to be proud of his learning,

-      especially of his pronunciation of English. Mrs. Galt when dinner was over

-      desired the servant in waiting to take away the fowls, which she, (as is

-      sometimes done in Scotland), pronounced <i>fools</i>, "I presume, madam,

-      you mean fowls" said Abe rather sententiously. "Very well, be it so," said

-      Mrs. Galt; "take away the <i>fowls</i>, but let the <i>fool</i> remain!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0086" id="link2H_4_0086"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe Well Fed.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Old Whitey, Abe's school master, said to him angrily one day, "Abraham you

-      are better fed than taught!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Should think I was," said Abe, "as I feed myself and you teach me!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe says there is a good deal of the devil in the Rebels. They

-      sometimes fight like him, frequently run like him, and always lie like

-      him.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0087" id="link2H_4_0087"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Man of Means.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe was asked by a client whether his neighbor Brown was "a man of

-      means."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well I reckon he ought to be," said Abe, "for he is just the meanest man

-      in Springfield."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0088" id="link2H_4_0088"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Call Again.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      When Uncle Abe was taken sick recently, and Mrs Lincoln had sent for the

-      doctor; Uncle Abe, having an aversion to physic, said, he had better call

-      another time, as he was too sick then to joke with him.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0089" id="link2H_4_0089"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe Swapped when a Baby.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Abe when asked whether he could account for his excessive homeliness said

-      "when I was two months old I was the handsomest child in Kentuck, but my

-      nigger nurse swapped me off for another boy just to please a friend who

-      was going down the river whose child was rather plain looking."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0090" id="link2H_4_0090"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Hit at Antietam.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Another story of Uncle Abe, too good to be lost, has leaked out. It seems

-      he had accompanied a young lady to one of the hospitals in the capitol

-      where the sympathizing creature, as in duty bound became interested in a

-      wounded soldier. To all her inquiries as to the location of the wound,

-      however, she could only get one reply, thus: "My good fellow where were

-      you hit!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "At Antietam."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes, but where did the bullet strike you?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "At Antietam."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But where did it hit you!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "At Antietam." Becoming discouraged, she deputized Uncle Abe to prosecute

-      the inquiry, which he did successfully Upon his rejoining her, she was

-      more curious than, ever, when the President, taking both her hands in his

-      said in his most impressive style. "My dear girl, the ball that hit <i>him</i>,

-      would not have injured <i>you</i>."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0091" id="link2H_4_0091"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Poor Crop.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      An old acquaintance of Uncle Abe's called upon him a short time since with

-      the view to getting hold of a contract. Uncle Abe told him that contracts

-      were not what they were in Cameron's time. "In fact," said he, "they

-      remind me now of a piece of meadow land on the Sangamon bottoms during a

-      drouth."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "How was that?" said the Sucker&mdash;"Why," said Abe, looking rather

-      quizical, "the grass was so short that they had to lather before they

-      could mow it."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0092" id="link2H_4_0092"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Handy in Case of Emergencies.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      During the fall of 1863, Uncle Abe was riding on the Virginia side of the

-      Potomac, between Arlington Heights and Alexandria, accompanied by Dr. N&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;

-      of New Jersey. Passing the huge earth-work fortifications, the Doctor

-      observed: "Mr. President, I have never yet been enabled to discover the

-      utility of constructing and maintaining those forts. What is your opinion

-      about them?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well doctor," replied Uncle Abe, "you are a medical man! and I will ask

-      you a question in the line of your profession. Can you tell me the use of

-      a man's nipples?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "No I can't" said the doctor "Well I can tell you," said Uncle Abe,&mdash;"They

-      would be mighty handy if he happened to have a child."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0093" id="link2H_4_0093"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Value of a Reputation.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      A client of Uncle Abe's was tried for stealing, in Springfield, Illinois,

-      when it was satisfactorily proven that he had acknowledged the theft to

-      several persons. Uncle Abe argued in behalf of his client that he was such

-      an abominable liar that no one could believe him and the jury ought not

-      to. The judge charged against the prisoner, but to his astonishment the

-      jury brought in a verdict that the accused was entirely unworthy of

-      belief; and he was therefore acquitted.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0094" id="link2H_4_0094"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Didn't Like the Name.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      A young U. S. Officer being indicted at Chicago, for an assault on an aged

-      gentleman, Uncle Abe began to open the case thus: "this is an indictment

-      against a soldier for assaulting an old man."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Sir," indignantly interrupted the defendant, "I am no soldier, I am an

-      officer!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I beg your pardon," said Abe, grinning blandly; "then, gentlemen of the

-      jury, this is an indictment against <i>an officer</i>, who is <i>no

-      soldier</i>, for assaulting an old man."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0095" id="link2H_4_0095"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe's Good Bye.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      When Uncle Abe joined the Sangamon Militia and entered on the Black Hawk

-      war campaign, his Colonel was a small snipe of a fellow about four feet

-      three inches. Physically, of course, Uncle Abe looked down upon his

-      Colonel. Abe had rather a slouching look and gait at that time, and

-      attracted by his awkward appearance, the dapper little Colonel thus

-      saluted the future Executive and manufacturer of both Colonels and

-      Brigadiers. "Come, Uncle Abe, hold up your head; higher, fellow!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes sir."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Higher, fellow&mdash;higher." Abe stretched his lank neck to its greatest

-      altitudinous tension and said, "What&mdash;so, Sir?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes, fellow, a little higher."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "And am I always to remain so?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes, fellow, certainly!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Then," said Uncle Abe, with a woeful countenance, "good bye, Colonel, for

-      I shall never see <i>you again!</i>"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0096" id="link2H_4_0096"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe's Last.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Yesterday a Western correspondent, in search for something definite in

-      relation to the fighting now going on, stepped into the White House and

-      asked the President if he had anything authentic from Gen. Grant. The

-      President stated that he had not, as Grant, was like the man that climbed

-      the pole and then pulled the pole up after him.&mdash; <i>Washington

-      Union, May 16</i>.

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 6em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-

-<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 45386 ***</div>

-  </body>

-</html>

-

+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN"
+   "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" >
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en">
+  <head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=utf-8" />
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" />
+    <title>
+      Lincolniana, by Andrew Adderup
+    </title>
+<link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" />
+    <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve">
+
+    body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify}
+    P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; }
+    H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; }
+    hr  { width: 50%; text-align: center;}
+    .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; }
+    blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;}
+    .mynote    {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;}
+    .toc       { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;}
+    .toc2      { margin-left: 20%;}
+    .indent5   { margin-left: 5%;}
+    .indent10  { margin-left: 10%;}
+    .indent15  { margin-left: 15%;}
+    div.fig    { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; }
+    div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; }
+    .figleft   {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;}
+    .figright  {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;}
+    .pagenum   {display:inline; font-size: 100%; font-style:normal;
+               margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%;
+               text-align: right;}
+    .side      { float: left; font-size: 75%; width: 25%; padding-left: 0.8em;
+               border-left: dashed thin; text-align: left;
+               text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;
+               font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;}
+    p.pfirst, p.noindent {text-indent: 0}
+    span.dropcap         { float: left; margin: 0 0.1em 0 0; line-height: 1 }
+    pre        { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;}
+
+</style>
+  </head>
+<body>
+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 45386 ***</div>
+
+
+    <div style="height: 8em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h1>
+      LINCOLNIANA
+    </h1>
+    <h3>
+      OR THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE
+    </h3>
+    <h2>
+      By ANDREW ADDERUP
+    </h2>
+    <h4>
+      1864
+    </h4>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:65%;">
+      <img src="images/0001m.jpg" alt="0001m " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/0001.jpg"><i>Original</i></a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:65%;">
+      <img src="images/0003m.jpg" alt="0003m " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/0003.jpg"><i>Original</i></a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:65%;">
+      <img src="images/0005m.jpg" alt="0005m " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/0005.jpg"><i>Original</i></a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <b>CONTENTS</b>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_PREF"> Preface </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> LINCOLNIANA; OR, THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE, </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> The Wrong Pig by the Ear. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> "Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln Live." </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> Too Literal Obedience. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> How Uncle Abe Felt. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> P.P.P. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> Rattaned for a Rat Joke. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> The State House Struck by Whiggery. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> Graphic and True. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> A Judge of the Post Office. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> I'm an Inderlid. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> How Uncle Abe got his Sobriquet. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> "I'll take Number Eleven too." </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> A Severe Retort. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> Had all the Time there Was. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> Could Stand it a Day or Two, </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> Not the Worst of it. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0019"> Accoutred en Militaire. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> Perils of Illinois Lawyers. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> Couldn't Make a Presidential Chair. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> "Couldn't see It in that Light." </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> Too Tough for the Rebels. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0024"> Little Mac Helped by an Illustration. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> An Acre of Fight. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0026"> Uncle Abe Believes in the Intelligence of
+      Oysters. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> An Egyptian Snake Story </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> Why Uncle Abe Made a Brigadier. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> Uncle Abe Puzzled. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0030"> Uncle Abe Divided on a Question. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0031"> Tried for Scaring the Girls. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0032"> "Thank God for the Sassengers." </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0033"> Was'nt Murder After All. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0034"> Joe Reed's Mule Hunt. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0035"> Has no Influence with the Administration. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0036"> A Touching Incident. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0037"> A Lincoln Man Ducked. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0038"> A Comparison. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0039"> "There's Enough for All." </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0040"> Making a President. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0041"> Uncle Abe Boss of the Cabinet. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0042"> Uncle Peter Cartright's Wonder. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0043"> Uncle Abe a Shaksperian. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0044"> The Running Sickness. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0045"> How to Get Rid of Rats. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0046"> A Palpable Application </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0047"> Uncle Abe on the Whisky Question. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0048"> Edwards vs. Lincoln. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0049"> Metalic Ring. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0050"> A Grateful Postmaster. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0051"> A Serious Joke. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0052"> Fix the Date. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0053"> Rival of Uncle Abe. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0054"> Uncle Abe's Estimate of the Senate. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0055"> "Thought he Must be Good for Something." </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0056"> Aptly Said. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0057"> Uncle Abe as a Pilot. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0058"> Uncle Abe's Valentine. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0059"> "My Mary Ann." </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0060"> Uncle Abe's Honor. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0061"> "Smoke That." </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0062"> A Sufficient Reason. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0063"> The Boy and the Bear. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0064"> Too Deep. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0065"> Uncle Abe's First Speech. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0066"> Cute. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0067"> Abe's Spelling. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0068"> A Soldier's Theory of the War. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0069"> Nigger Mathematics. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0070"> Long and Short of it. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0071"> A Handy Faculty. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0072"> Uncle Abe on Time. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0073"> A Story that had no Reminder. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0074"> Has it "Gin Out?" </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0075"> A Major </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0076"> A Dry Drop. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0077"> Uncle Abe as a Physiognomist. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0078"> The Concrete vs. the Abstract. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0079"> Symptoms of Civilization. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0080"> Uncle Abe goes into Partnership. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0081"> Abe Passing Counterfeit Money. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0082"> The Wrong Man Poulticed. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0083"> Uncle Abe as School Superintendent. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0084"> Uncle Abe's Nose. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0085"> Take Away the Fowls. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0086"> Uncle Abe Well Fed. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0087"> A Man of Means. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0088"> Call Again. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0089"> Uncle Abe Swapped when a Baby. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0090"> Hit at Antietam. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0091"> A Poor Crop. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0092"> Handy in Case of Emergencies. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0093"> Value of a Reputation. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0094"> Didn't Like the Name. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0095"> Uncle Abe's Good Bye. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0096"> Uncle Abe's Last. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_PREF" id="link2H_PREF"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Preface
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Is Joe Miller "complete?" I doubt it, maugre the pretenses of title-pages.
+      An old joke is sometimes like a piece of painted glass in a kaleidoscope&mdash;every
+      turn gives it a new aspect, and the new view is sometimes taken for the
+      original phase. Perhaps this is true of some herein, although I am
+      unconscious of that being so. If the accusation be made, try Uncle Abe
+      first, for he is used to trials. As for me, I shall plead my privilege of
+      telling you "the tale as it was told to me." But if these "little jokes"
+      be not "sworn upon" for Miller, they shall stand for Uncle Abe&mdash;the
+      writer hereof claiming only a godfathership. And others shall follow as
+      fast as I glean them. To aid this purpose, let everybody who has a "good
+      thing" send it to the publisher of this, and duly it will appear in the
+      "complete" edition of Uncle Abe's jokes, always excepting the last, for
+      the act of dying over will remind him of some little story with a <i>hic
+      jacet</i> moral.
+    </p>
+    <h3>
+      ANDREW ADDERUP.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      Springfield, Ill., April 1, 1864.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h1>
+      LINCOLNIANA; OR, THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE,
+    </h1>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:65%;">
+      <img src="images/0003m.jpg" alt="0003m " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/0003.jpg"><i>Original</i></a>
+    </h5>
+    <h2>
+      An Involuntary Black Republican.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Sometime after Mr. Lincoln's well remembered passage of the rebel Rubicon
+      at Baltimore, some radical Republicans, who thought they saw some signs of
+      the President's backwardness in vindicating the Chicago platform, went in
+      committee to the White House to beg him to carry out his principles&mdash;or
+      rather to stretch them in Queen Dido's style.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I don't know about it, gentlemen," replied Uncle Abe; "with a pretty
+      strong opposition at home and a rebellion at the South, we'd best push
+      republicanism rather slow. Fact is, I'm worse off than old blind Jack
+      Loudermill was when he got married on a short courtship. Some one asked
+      him a few days after, how he liked his new position. 'Dunno,' said he; 'I
+      went it blind to start with, and ain't had a chance to feel my way to a
+      conclusion yet.' So it is with me. Perhaps you can see further than I can,
+      to me the future is dark and lowering; and we have now got to feel every
+      step of our way forward. Making Republicans used to be hard work, and I
+      don't see as I could do much at it now, unless I proselyte by giving fat
+      offices to weak-kneed opponents; but that," continued Uncle Abe, with a
+      sly look toward several of his old Illinois friends, "would'nt be quite
+      fair to those who believe that 'to the victors belong the spoils.' Your
+      idea about pushing things reminds me of the first <i>black</i> Republican
+      I ever made."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And the President threw his left leg over his right and subsided into that
+      air of <i>abandon</i> which denotes his pregnancy of a good story.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "You see, gentlemen," he began, "in my boyhood days, I had a slim chance
+      for schooling, and did'nt improve what I did have. Occasionally a Yankee
+      would wander into Kentuck, and open a school in the log building that was
+      a church and school house as well, and keep it till he got starved out or
+      heard of a better location. One Fall a bald headed, sour-visaged old man
+      came along and opened the school, and my people concluded I must go; as
+      usual the big boys soon began to test the master, who, though he was a
+      patient Jeffersonian Republican, seemed very tyrannical to us. My good
+      nature singled me out soon, as the scapegoat of the school, and I got more
+      than my share of the birch: at least, my back was as good as an almanac,
+      for every day of the week was recorded there. But, though this record of
+      past time was no pastime to me, I could stand it better than I could the
+      taunts and jibes of the boys out of school.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "One morning when a half dozen of us were warming before the broad logwood
+      fire, I noted a big fellow (who had got me flogged the day before)
+      standing on the side opposite, his back to the blaze: both hands were
+      partially open, one laid in the other; some would lay it to the devil, but
+      it was only the spirit of revenge which prompted me to pick up a live
+      coal, covered with ashes, and drop it into his hands. For a moment he
+      did'nt mind it, but it burned all the deeper; when it did burn he jumped
+      and bellowed like a stuck calf.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Who made that noise?' Demanded old Whitey? the master.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'I made it,' replied the big fellow, rubbing his hands.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Why?' more angrily demanded old Whitey.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Some one put a coal of fire in my hand and burnt me,' sniffled the
+      booby.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "The big fellow, however, didn't know who did it. Some of the boys, who
+      had a lurking pity for me, said it snapt into his hand; but the master
+      'couldn't see it;' and at last it leaked out that 'Abe Lincoln done it.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "So you see, gentlemen," said Uncle Abe, moralizing, "I got the blame of a
+      long score of supposititious shortcomings by one act of my own, pretty
+      much as I had to bear the sins of my whole party in the late canvass,
+      because of a few sins of my own."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Abraham, come up here!' thundered the master, (By the way, gentlemen, my
+      people always called me Abe&mdash;my wife still calls me plain Abe&mdash;but
+      that old fellow called me <i>Abraham</i> so often and so severely that I
+      early dropped all claim to a definite appellative, and chose to be
+      indefinitely 'A. Lincoln.') * But to go on. I got a deserved threshing
+      that time, and a reputation withal for wickedness that saved all the
+      little rogues in school. At last, however, I determined to be even with
+      old Whitey, somehow.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "It wasn't long till I worked out an idea. Just over the master's desk was
+      a rude shelf, upon which he kept some books and a big-bellied bottle of
+      ink, which some admirer of his Jeffersonian-Republican principles had
+      presented him. I had observed that in stepping upon his desk platform, he
+      never touched or moved his chair, beyond leaning back in it, which he
+      always did, after taking his seat. So next day I robbed our old
+      long-tailed white horse of a few hairs and braided them in a three
+      stranded cord. While the master was gone out to his dinner, I put the thin
+      glass ink bottle upon the edge of the shelf propped a-cant, and tied one
+      end of the cord to the bottle, and the other end to the back of his chair.
+      The boys sympathized with me, and were in an extacy of delight. Anon the
+      master came. Without looking to the right or left, he marched sternly to
+      the chair, and hence saw not the repressed titter of expectation that was
+      ready to burst over the whole room. I stood just outside of the door
+      expecting the result; he sat down and then leaned back. Down came the
+      bottle, deluging the bald head in a shower of Stygian blackness! Yes,
+      gentlemen, I fancy that was the first <i>black</i> Republican ever made in
+      Kentuck, but the conversion was too sudden."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "How was that?" queried Cassius M. Clay.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Why," replied Uncle Abe, "he afterwards married a widow and&mdash;&mdash;twelve
+      negroes."
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     * When Mr. Lincoln was nominated, very many papers ran up
+     the name of "Abram Lincoln."
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Wrong Pig by the Ear.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I never knew a flash phrase worse used up than was one by Uncle Abe
+      attending one of the neighboring Circuit Courts above Springfield. He was
+      employed to aid a young County Attorney to prosecute some reputed hog
+      thieves. The crime of hog stealing had become so common that the people
+      were considerably excited and an example was determined on. The first
+      person tried was acquitted on a pretty clear <i>alibi</i> or pretty hard
+      swearing. As the fellow thus acquitted was lounging round the Court House,
+      Uncle Abe was passing, and he hailed him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well Mr. Lincoln, I reckon you got the wrong sow by the ear when you
+      undertook to pen me up."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "So it seems," replied Uncle Abe, blandly, "but really you must excuse me,
+      pigs are so very much alike! In fact, people up here don't all seem to
+      know their own."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      "Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln Live."
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      In "Clay times," as the old farmers of Sangamon still recall the period of
+      Henry Clay's powerful canvass for the Presidency, Uncle Abe had a wide
+      circuit practice. In travelling to the various courts, he generally drove
+      a horse and vehicle that some people will still remember. The horse had
+      belonged to an undertaker, and the "funeral business," together with
+      years, had made him a grave and staid animal. His <i>physique</i>
+      presented those angularities that characterized his master, but unlike his
+      owner, he was never known to perpetrate a joke or indulge in a
+      "horselaugh." The vehicle was neither buggy, nor Jersey wagon, but had
+      become, by virtue of alterations and repairs, what Uncle Abe afterwards
+      described the Union under the plan of free and Slave States "neither one
+      thing or the other." There was in fact an "eternal fitness" in horse and
+      man that was not exactly a "standing joke," but a peripatetic one.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I would give all my expectation of a brigadiership for a portrait of Uncle
+      Abe seated in this strange "turnout," as he "might have been seen" wending
+      his meditative way across the prairies.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      About this time Uncle Abe was nominated for Congress in the Sangamon. Yet
+      he did not forego his business, but prosecuted his legal course, as well
+      as all evil-doers who chanced to fall into his hands. He had just started
+      on a circuit trip, to be gone a month. Often, since Mr. Lincoln's
+      nomination for Congress, had Mrs. Lincoln begged him to add a second story
+      to their humble dwelling, but he pleaded poverty. But a relation of Mrs.
+      Lincoln's having died in Kentucky leaving her a small legacy, she
+      determined her husband should have a house worthy a candidate for
+      Congress. Doubtless she felt an inward satisfaction at the thought of
+      furnishing a good surprise for her husband on his return. So she at once
+      bought material, set mechanics at work, and in three weeks metamorphosed
+      the dwelling into what political pilgrims to Springfield in 1860 will
+      remember as a neat, two-story, clay-colored residence.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe arrived home just after dark, and drove up to what he thought to
+      be Eighth street, but not seeing his house, and thinking he had made a
+      mistake, he drove round on to the next street. Recognizing the houses
+      there; he again drove around to Eighth, and, passing his own house,
+      recognized that occupied by W&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n, a clever tailor, who
+      was standing at his own gate.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Why, is that you, Wilkie?" (said Uncle Abe patronizingly.) W&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n,
+      assured him of his own identity, "Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln live
+      now."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well," said W&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n, "The Loco's say he's so sure of his
+      election that he's gone to Washington to select his seat; but Mrs. Lincoln
+      lives now in that beautiful new two-story house you have just passed."
+      Uncle Abe indulged in a quaint laugh, and then turned his ancient horse
+      around, alighted and asked if Mrs. Lincoln lived in the house before which
+      he stood. Mrs. Lincoln received him as a fond woman should receive her
+      lord, and the return was the cause of much pleasant badinage in social
+      circles.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Too Literal Obedience.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Gen. McClellan was complaining to Uncle Abe of one of his division
+      commanders, who had literally obeyed an order publicly given for the
+      purpose of hood-winking the rebels through the aid of the numerous
+      undetected spies known to lurk in the camp as well as the capital.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "That reminds me of a little story&mdash;a little thing that happened to
+      me when I was out in the Black Hawk war," said Uncle Abe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "You see, after we brought the Foxes to terms, they were as sweet as wild
+      honey. The women especially tried to make a good thing out of the defeat
+      of their braves, by selling us moccasins, deerskin breeches, &amp;c. One
+      squaw in particular, made beautiful breeches, and I concluded to have a
+      pair made. How she was to fit my spindles, puzzled me at first, as the
+      Indians are no tailors in any <i>measurable</i> degree. At last I
+      bethought me of an old pair which I had in my saddle bag, and these I gave
+      to her that she might rip them open and use the parts for patterns. When
+      she brought the new ones home, I was not a little angry to find that she
+      had exactly imitated the old patch on the nether parts of the new
+      breeches."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Little Mac smiled in his peculiar grave way, and remarked that when he
+      gave an order for a similar purpose, he would tell this story by way of a
+      hint.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      How Uncle Abe Felt.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Soon after Uncle Abe's defeat by Judge Douglas in 1848, (whereby Douglas
+      unwittingly made a President) some one asked Uncle Abe how he felt over
+      the result.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well," said he, "I feel a good deal like a big boy I knew in Kentuck.
+      After he'd got a terrible pounding by the school master, someone asked him
+      how he felt? 'Oh! said he, it hurt so awful bad, I couldn't laugh, and I
+      was too big to cry over it.' That's just my case."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is presumed the questioner got an idea how a defeated politician feels.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      P.P.P.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Soon after the advent of Uncle Abe at the White House, the pressure of
+      aspirants for official positions was perfectly crushing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In fact, Uncle Abe sometimes got so flustered by their bedevilment, that
+      he not only failed to recollect an illustrating anecdote, but soon lost
+      his temper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One of the Illinois applicants&mdash;a fellow named Jeff.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      D&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;r, was particularly a bore, seeming to think it part
+      of the Chicago platform to give every village politician an office.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Seems to me, Jeff," said Uncle Abe, "you got the Chicago platform reduced
+      to enormous brevity&mdash;in fact, just three p's would seem to express
+      your idea of it."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "How's that, Mr. Lincoln?" inquired-Jeff.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Why, it looks to me as if it was patriotism, place and plunder, and a
+      mighty important plea is the last one, I reckon."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Jeff was silent for a while, but bored on until he "struck ile" in the
+      shape-of a clerkship.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Rattaned for a Rat Joke.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Just after the retreat of the rebels from Bull Run, when it leaked out
+      that our troops had been held at bay by wooden or Quaker guns, a
+      Pennsylvanian Congressman remarked to Uncle Abe&mdash;"Well, Mr. Lincoln,
+      you see that Quaker principles even embodied in wood may be of some
+      service in war."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Yes, but as you see in that shape, they are only substituted principles;
+      such things may do once, but found out, they will avail worse than
+      nothing. Your remark, however, 'reminds me of a little story.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "When I was a youngster of fifteen or so, I went to an 'Academy' for a few
+      weeks, just to brush up my old-field school learning. Such schools are
+      called Academies in the East, to distinguish their intermediate position
+      between colleges and common schools; but in Kentuck and the West,
+      generally the high sounding title merely meant that the 'principal' taught
+      a few branches ahead of the old-field schools. Well, the rats were thick
+      about the old building where we daily gathered to reap the fruit of
+      knowledge; and as many of the boys brought their dinners and threw the
+      fragments under their old-fashioned box desks, they soon grew as bold as
+      they were thick. The teacher had a mortal antipathy to rats, and as I
+      didn't 'take' to the teacher, I naturally encouraged the rats. Whenever
+      one showed himself, he was sure to get a whack from the old teacher's
+      rattan. Sometimes he missed his aim at the rats, but never at us boys,
+      which was owing, perhaps, to the difference in the size of the game.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "An industrious rat had made a hole from beneath the floor up under my
+      desk, and thence out through the end, and as I fed him well he was quite
+      tame. Often during school hours he would come up and peer out into the
+      aisles through his hole in the end of the desk, and whenever he was seen
+      by the teacher, he was sure to see the rattan whirling in the air. An idea
+      struck me one day. I got a dead rat&mdash;I did not like to kill my pet&mdash;and
+      stuffing it, made quite a good-looking 'Quaker' rat. Then I fixed some
+      springs so I could work my rat out and in at pleasure; so whenever the
+      teacher was looking up, my rat was always out; but when the whack came
+      down, he was in betimes. At last he seemed to think it wondrous tame, and
+      the ill-suppressed titter of the school boys finally made him suspicious.
+      The boys had been let into my secret, and relished it hugely, and I was
+      too prone to give a few exhibitions. At last the teacher watched me
+      sharper than he did the rat, and then caught me in the act. He got hold of
+      the rat and beat me alternately with rat and switch, and you may well
+      guess, I was well rattaned. If soldiers who use wooden guns ever get worse
+      usage, I pity them."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The 300 Pounder Parrot since used by the Government, shows Uncle Abe's
+      poor appreciation of Quaker guns and Quaker principles.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The State House Struck by Whiggery.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Soon after the State House at Springfield was erected, in 1840, Mr.
+      Lincoln stood on the east side of the Capitol Square one day, in
+      conversation with a Democratic friend, who was loth to believe that the
+      Whigs could carry the State for "Tip and Ty."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Nothing is more morally certain," said Uncle Abe. "All the signs of the
+      times point to it, and&mdash;why even the State House is struck with
+      Whiggery" he said, pointing up under the eves, where is yet seen a
+      remarkable representation of a "coon" in the stone.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Graphic and True.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      When Hon. Emerson Etheridge escaped from Tennessee during the summer of
+      1862, his opinions on Tennessee affairs were eagerly listened to in
+      Washington. Among other questions, Uncle Abe asked:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Do the Methodist clergy in your State take to secession?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Take? Why, sir, they take to it like a duck to water, or a sailor to a
+      duff kid."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Judge of the Post Office.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Judge David Davis of Bloomington, Illinois, who was recently appointed (by
+      Uncle Abe) to a position on the bench of the Supreme Court of the United
+      States, is known to many of his friends as one of the best hearted men in
+      the world. His, is withal, full of the piety of good humor. I call it
+      "piety," because I think a smiling face is a perpetual thanksgiving to
+      God. His benevolence, however, edges down his wit, and gives it more the
+      characteristic of humor, strictly speaking. This, while it may have helped
+      that "belly with fat capon lined," has kept him at peace with himself and
+      the world.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On one occasion, while Judge Davis was presiding at the Logan County
+      Circuit Court, a case came up that involved a question of postal law.
+      Uncle Abe was on the case, and politely loaned Judge D. a small manual of
+      postal law, that he might see for himself what the letter of the law was.
+      The Judge gave his understanding of the law, but had hardly finished when
+      Mr. S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s, a burley farmer from Clear Creek, jumped up
+      and sang out&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I reckon that ain't so, Judge. I've been Post-Master more'n a dozen
+      years, and I reckon I ought to know what's Post Office law."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Of course Judge Davis had every right to fine the man for contempt, but he
+      had a different way of treating such cases. "With a tone in which sarcasm
+      only slightly blended, he said:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Truly, I think you ought, Mr. S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s. It has never been
+      my privilege to be a Post-Master, and I would like your opinion in this
+      case. Please step this way."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Judge moved over and made room on the bench, which Mr. S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s
+      occupied, and proceeded to give <i>his</i> opinion on the mooted question.
+      The bar sat smiling in expectation.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Keep your seat, Mr. S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s, while I speak a word with my
+      friend Parks."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe it was who had been interrupted, so he resumed:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "May it please the Court, I had some doubt on this point myself, so I
+      borrowed the usual manual of Postal Law, to be perfectly assured. I regret
+      to contend that the clear letter of the law conflicts&mdash;sadly
+      conflicts&mdash;with the view just taken by Judge S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s;"
+      but here the bar indulged in a quiet "smile" without a stick in it, and it
+      just popped into Mr. S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;'s head, that he was out of
+      place, and he skedaddled in haste.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "The largest <i>pussie</i> Judge that sat on our bench," remarked Will
+      Wyatt. From that day to this, Mr. S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s, has never lost
+      the title he so suddenly gained.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      I'm an Inderlid.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      One day while Uncle Abe was attending to a case at Mount Pulaski, (the
+      country seat of Logan County, Illinois,) he was beset by old B&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s,
+      a worthy farmer, but a notorious malaprop, for an opinion as to his
+      amenability to the road tax. "You look here, Mr. Lincoln, these fellows
+      here want to make me work on the road."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well!" said Uncle Abe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well, I tells them that they can't do it, cause I'm an <i>inderlid</i>,
+      you see."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      (Of course Uncle Abe concurred in B&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s opinion, and
+      forgot to charge a fee.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "On another occasion, he wanted John G. Gillette, the great cattle dealer,
+      to <i>proximate</i> him because he'd got the best pair of cattle scales in
+      Logan County."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      How Uncle Abe got his Sobriquet.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Some one ventured to ask Uncle Abe, soon after his arrival at the White
+      House, how he got the sobriquet of "Honest Abe."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Oh," said he, "I suppose my case was pretty much like that of a country
+      merchant I once read of. Some one called him a 'little rascal.' 'Thank you
+      for the compliment,' said he. 'Why so?' asked the stigmatizer. 'Because
+      that title distinguishes me from my fellow tradesmen, who are all <i>great</i>
+      rascals.'"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "So honest lawyers were so scarce in Illinois that you were thus
+      distinguished from them?" persisted the questioner.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well," quoth Uncle Abe, glancing slyly at Douglas, Sweet, and others from
+      Illinois, "it's hard to say where the honest ones are."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      "I'll take Number Eleven too."
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Thirty-five or forty years ago, a trip from Sangamon or Macon County, to
+      St. Louis, was an event to be talked of. It took as long to make it, and
+      furnished food for as much rustic enquiry and comment, as does a voyage to
+      Europe now. Uncle Abe had then given up rail-splitting, and was studying
+      law. Having a little while before treated himself to a (then) rare thing,
+      a suit of "store clothes;" and a neighbor being about to leave for St.
+      Louis, he resolved to go along. As the teams toiled on at the rate of
+      fifteen or twenty miles a day, they were gradually joined by others, till
+      the train presented somewhat the sights now to be seen on our great
+      overland routes to the Pacific.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On arrival at St. Louis, Abe determined to see high life, and accordingly
+      made tracks for a letter A. No. 1, first class Hotel. The Old City Hotel
+      was then the only house that could claim that distinction. There the
+      merchants congregated, and there the Indian trader sought relaxation from
+      frontier hardships, while the rough trapper was content with the humble
+      fare of the "Hunter's Home."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I forget what association called out this reminiscence of that trip; but
+      there can be no harm in repeating the story. Such mishaps have befallen
+      incipient greatness before.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At the dinner table, each waiter was provided with a wine card, and each
+      guest had his wine charged to the number of his room, simply calling out,
+      as for instance, Sherry No. 9, &amp;c. A jolly Indian trader, sat just
+      opposite Abe, who betimes called "Claret, No 11." Abe saw that most of the
+      guests were similarly providing for themselves, and concluded not to
+      appear penurious, so he said he'd take some wine too.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "What kind, sah?" asked the waiter.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Oh, I'll take the same,"&mdash;pointing to the bottle just called for by
+      the Indian trader.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "What number, sah?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Abe was puzzled. Ho had not been used to wine or hotel life; but it was
+      only a moment before he broke the ice.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Oh, I'll just take No. 11 too."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The trader looked up surprised, while several others near by, smiled a
+      faint comprehension as to the state of affairs.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Why, young man," said the trader, "that is my number, and mine is a
+      single room."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I beg pardon," stammered Abe, conscious that he had betrayed rusticity
+      and ignorance; but not knowing exactly how to extricate himself, the
+      good-hearted trader came to his aid&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Were you ever in the city before?" asked he.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Never before."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well, then, in memory of your advent, it shall be No. 11 too," and he
+      quietly pushed the bottle across the table. So agreeable was he that Abe
+      rallied, and the second bottle followed the fate of the first. On renewing
+      the conversation after dinner, the trader was satisfied that Abe had
+      'lots' of 'horse sense,' but little of worldly experience, and he
+      friendlily invited him to go out with him as a clerk; but, Abe declined.
+      Had he gone&mdash;what? Perhaps he might have become a respectable Indian
+      trader&mdash;perhaps he never had been elected President, and perhaps we
+      would have had no rebellion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Severe Retort.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe took a great liking to the late Col. Ellsworth, and afterwards
+      did him the honor of making a Colonel of him. The rebel Jackson did the
+      rest, but enough of that. Many of our readers will recall the slim, spruce
+      figure of Col. Ellsworth as he paraded the streets of Springfield, dressed
+      in a unique Zouave uniform, a mere boy in appearance. He was full of
+      animal spirits. He and Bob O'Lincoln were cutting up didoes in the Law
+      office of Lincoln and Hornden, which greatly annoyed Uncle Abe, and he
+      gently reproved them. Bob, a little nettled, replied by quoting the common
+      couplet:
+    </p>
+    <p class="indent10">
+      "A little nonsense now and then,
+    </p>
+    <p class="indent10">
+      Is relished by the wisest men."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Yes," said Uncle Abe, looking severely at Bob, "that's the difference
+      between a wise man and a fool who relishes it all the time."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Bob subsided, and Ellsworth betook himself anew to Blackstone.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Had all the Time there Was.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      When Uncle Abe used to attend the Courts in the regions round about
+      Sangamon, he generally made easy stays, and was wont to look at the
+      country and talk to the people at his leisure. On one occasion he was
+      riding by the premises of old H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;, who was notorious
+      for his unthriftiness, and who was in the act of driving some stray hogs
+      out of his corn-field.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Good morning, Mr. H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;," said Uncle Abe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Morning, Mr. Lincoln, morning."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Why don't you mend that piece of fence thoroughly, Mr. H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;,
+      and keep the pigs out?" asked Uncle Abe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Ha'n't got time," said H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Why," said Uncle Abe, with an air of blended reproof and humor, "you've
+      got all the time there is Mr. H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Whether H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash; mended his fence and his thriftless habits,
+      this deponent knoweth not; but has often thought how true was the remark,
+      whether as a joke or an admonition. Every second, minute or hour is ours&mdash;ours
+      to use or ours to squander. How wontonly wasteful would be the rich man
+      who should stand upon a vessel's deck and cast his million golden coins
+      into the sea; yet day after day we stand upon the shores of eternity, and
+      cast the golden moments into the unreturning past. All the knowledge and
+      wealth of the world is but the result of improved time. So don't say you
+      "havn't got time," for you've got all there is, as Uncle Abe says.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Could Stand it a Day or Two,
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      About the time this occurred, there stood on one side of Capitol Square,
+      in Springfield, a Hotel, now doubtless out of memory of most of the
+      occupants of the out-lots and additions which speculators have hitched to
+      the original village. In its day it was a "first-class hotel," but it
+      waned before the "American" and is now among the "things that were." There
+      were some who doubted the cleanliness of the <i>cuisine</i>, and "thereby
+      hangs a tale."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Judge Brown arrived in town and put up at the aforesaid hotel, whereat,
+      Uncle Abe, on meeting him, expressed his regret, begging him to become <i>his</i>
+      guest. The Judge would fain not trouble his friend.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "But you know the reputation of the place&mdash;the kitchen?" said Uncle
+      Abe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I've heard of it," said the Judge; "but as I want to keep my appetite, I
+      always shun the kitchen, if not the cooks."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "But surely, can't you see by the table alone, Judge?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I know, Mr. Lincoln, but I'm going to stop only a day or two, and I guess
+      I can stand for that time what the landlord's family stand all their
+      lives."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Speaking of Hotels, reminds me of a little episode of one of Uncle Abe's
+      professional visits to Cairo, in Egypt, a town fenced in with mud-banks
+      and celebrated for its mud-holes and mean whisky. Thereabouts is a Hotel,
+      and thereat Uncle Abe stopped because the water forbade further traveling.
+      When his bill was presented to him next morning, he ventured to remark,
+      "that his accommodation had not been of the most agreeable kind."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "We are very much crowded," apologetically replied the landlord.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "But I had hard work to get breakfast this morning."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Yes," continued the apologist, "we are greatly in need of help."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well, well," said Uncle Abe, "you keep a first rate hotel in one
+      respect."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Ah!" said the landlord, brightening up, "in what respect is that?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Your bills," said Undo Abe, vanishing towards the "Central" cars.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Ky-ro-ite landlord perhaps thought he ought to be well compensated for
+      keeping a hotel in such a place. A man of his sort used to "keep tavern"
+      in Pasy County, Indiana, several years ago. A pedestrian stopped with him
+      over night, for which the charge was 2.50.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Why, landlord," said he, "this is an outrageous bill."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "You mean it's a big'un?" said the insatiate Boniface.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Yes, I do."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well, stranger, we keep tavern here."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "What has that to do with such a bill?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Look at that'ere sign, stranger&mdash;cost ten dollars; your'n the fust
+      trav'ler that's bin along for three weeks, and we can't afford to keep
+      tavern for nothin&mdash;<i>we</i> can't!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Not the Worst of it.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Gov. Morgan, of New York, was urging the employment of General W&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;in
+      active service, Seward objected, that he was "too old" for the emergency
+      of the times.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Yes," said Uncle Abe, "we've got too many old officers in the army, and
+      that is not the worst of it&mdash;<i>we've got two many old women</i>
+      there!" This was when Uncle Abe's faith was strong in little Mac.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Some conclusions;" said Uncle Abe on one occasion, "are nonsequential. To
+      say that Rome was not built in a day, does not prove that it was built in
+      a night."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0019" id="link2H_4_0019"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Accoutred en Militaire.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      In the outset of the famous Black-hawk war in Illinois, a "hoss company"
+      was raised in the region where Uncle Abe was (then) a rising lawyer. I say
+      rising, although he had then reached a height sufficient to help himself
+      to most blessings&mdash;and he, the aforesaid U.A., was chosen Captain.
+      Uncle Abe rode a "slapping stallion," who was either naturally restive, or
+      appreciated his new honor too highly&mdash;at any rate, he corvetted and
+      pirouetted like a very Bucephalus. At last he unhorsed his rider, who
+      landed sprawling on the prairie in one of those green excrescences that
+      abound where bovine herds range. As the discomfitted Uncle Abe rose, and
+      surveyed his predicament, old Pierre Menard, who was a near spectator,
+      remarked in his broken French:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Vell, I nevair sees any man accoutred en militaire like zat before."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Most old suckers pronounce accoutred as the Yankees do the word cowcumber,
+      and this rendered Menard's joke more unctious.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Perils of Illinois Lawyers.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Years ago, when the capital of Suckerdom was a village of less
+      "magnificence" than it now presents&mdash;when Lincoln, Harden, Baker,
+      McDougal, Douglas, Shields and Ferguson were all village lawyers, and
+      scarcely known to fame&mdash;Judge Thomas Brown was on the Supreme bench
+      of the State. He was to some extent a "character;" but not a very
+      successful lawyer. He went to California, since when he has been generally
+      lost sight of; but his old friends may be assured that if he is in the
+      "land of the living," Uncle Abe's tax collectors will find him. But that's
+      neither here nor there. His ideas of the perils of practicing law in
+      Illinois, in early times, is what is now before the reader.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On one occasion, after he had changed his residence to Peoria, having some
+      business to transact in Springfield, he arrived in that place and put up
+      at the old American House, (now kept by Henry Bidgely, Esq.) He chanced to
+      mention the name of Peoria. Instantly the attention of a countryman was
+      fixed, upon him, who, at the first opportunity accosted him&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "From Peoria, Squar?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Yes."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Much acquainted?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Pretty well, Sir."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Know a lawyer up there named H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;g R&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Yes sir."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "How's he getting along?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Oh, first rate&mdash;devilish lucky man."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "He's getting hold of considerable land, hain't he?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Yes a deal&mdash;devilish lucky man.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Yes&mdash;large&mdash;devilish lucky man."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Look here, Squar," said the countryman, evidently puzzled at R&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s
+      being so devilish lucky.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "What do you mean about his being so lucky?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Mean? why I call any man lucky that practices law twenty years in
+      Illinoiss, and don't get into the penitentiary."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Couldn't Make a Presidential Chair.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      "Mr. Lincoln," said an ardent sovereignty man just at the beginning of the
+      last Presidential contest "Mr. Douglas is a cabinet maker."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "He <i>was</i> when I first knew him," said Uncle Abe "but he gave up the
+      business so long ago, that I don't think he can make a Presidential chair
+      now." Uncle Abe proved himself a prophet, although at a tremendous cost to
+      the country.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      "Couldn't see It in that Light."
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      A delegation of temperance men recently sought to influence Uncle Abe to
+      take some stringent steps to suppress intemperance in our armies. Among
+      other reasons urged, they said our armies were often beaten because of
+      intemperance.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Is that so?" said Undo Abe. "I've heard on all sides that the rebels
+      drink more than our boys do, and I can't see why our boys, who drink less,
+      are more liable to get whipped."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "But you know the corrupting influence of the army in regard to drinking
+      habits," pursued the Committee.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I've heard that, too," said Uncle Abe, "but I think they will do pretty
+      well <i>if I can keep them out of Washington!</i>"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Committee didn't carry their measure, by a jug full.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Too Tough for the Rebels.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      When the Illinois boys gathered at Springfield, under the call of the ten
+      regiment bill, they were quartered on the fair grounds, just out of the
+      city. All the stalls were filled with troops, before which were signs as
+      "St. Nicholas," "Richmond House," etc., etc. Charley W&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;,
+      on going through the fair grounds, looked into the "Richmond House," and
+      said&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well, boys, how do you get along?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Oh, first rate," replied the Chicagoians, "we're all <i>stall fed</i>."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Bully for you," said Charley; "hope you'll be too tough for the rebels."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Little Mac Helped by an Illustration.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      "I can't seem to reap any advantage from the rebel movements," said
+      McClellan, in consultation with Uncle Abe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Oh, you just keep a watchful, careful eye on Leer and perhaps you will
+      yet see how to make use of them, as old Mother Grundy did of her crooked
+      wood."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Thereby hangs a tale," remarked little Mac, with one of his peculiar,
+      quaint smiles.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "You're right, General. Your remark reminded me of a good old neighbor of
+      my father's, in Kentucky, who died many years ago. She was sweet-tempered&mdash;few
+      such in this world." Uncle Abe stopped as though a mental comparison had
+      damaged some woman of his acquaintance. "Yes, her disposition was of that
+      kind that extracts 'good from things evil.' And she was her husband's
+      pride and boast. One day he was praising her to a neighbor."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Look here, old man Grundy,' said the neighbor 'these women are just like
+      cats&mdash;they are all right as long as you stroke the fur the right way,
+      but reverse the movement, and you'll see the fire fly. Now, I'll tell you
+      what, I bet a four-gallon keg of my four-year-old peach, that I can tell
+      you how to make her as mad as a set-hen, if you dare to try."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Done,' cried old man Grundy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Well, you just haul home all the crookedest sticks of wood you can find,
+      and then see.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Old man Grundy brought home a small load every day or two, and it was
+      knotty and crooked as a pigs-tail; but not a word or look of complaint.
+      For a week this continued, with the same result, when he asked the good
+      wife how she liked the wood."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Oh,'tis beautiful wood,' said she; 'it burns finely, and then it fits <i>around
+      my pots and kettles just, as if 'twas made on purpose</i>.'"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Lee did not fit into Mac's hand so well, yet the story was not without its
+      use to him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      An Acre of Fight.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      During the progress of the Senatorial campaign between Douglas and
+      Lincoln, Uncle Abe came home to recreate a few days. Douglas, long used to
+      the political arena, bore the fatigues of the canvass like a veteran. His
+      custom was to bathe just after supper, getting some friend to rub him like
+      a race horse, when he would sit down and enjoy his whisky and cigar.
+      Lincoln, lank and abstemious, bore his yoke with evident weariness. But to
+      the story.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe went up into the Governor's room in the State House, where he
+      was soon joined by many of the leading Republicans of the town. Some one
+      remarked on his look of weariness. "It is a mighty contest," remarked
+      Uncle Jesse Du Bois.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "But Mr. Lincoln does not show his great appreciation of it upon the
+      stand," remarked a Chicago correspondent, in allusion to Uncle Abe's good
+      humored replies to Douglas.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "But still, when the day's gladiatorial combat is over, it seems to me, as
+      the Kentucky fellow said, that I had been through 'an acre of fight.'"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Give us that story, Abe," said Dr. Wallace, Uncle Abe's brother-in-law.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well, one of my earliest recollections of a Kentucky Court, was a trial
+      about a fight. It took place in the Court House grounds, and the Judge,
+      thinking it constructable as a contempt of Court, sent out the Sheriff,
+      and had the parties quickly brought before him. Both had bruised noses and
+      beavers, and showed the unmistakable evidence of having been in a
+      scrimage. The witnesses were numerous, and the evidence was so
+      conflicting, that the Judge declared he could legally reach no other
+      conclusion than that there had <i>been no fight at all</i>. But the
+      Sheriff ventured to suggest:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Here's Jim Blowers&mdash;he had hold on one of them fellers, when I
+      arrested them."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Mr. Clerk," said the Judge, "you will at once swear Mr. Blowers."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Now, Mr. Blowers," said the Clerk, "you will please tell the Court what
+      you know about this affair."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well, ax on."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well, was there a fight between these parties?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Just a bit of scrimage."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "It was a real fight, was it?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well, some people would call it that."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "How much of a fight was it?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Oh, considerable&mdash;they pulled and hauled about kinder like two cows
+      when they lock horns."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "But, tell the Court more precisely?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well, I should say it was a right smart fight."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "But <i>how</i> much of a fight?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well, then, just about an acre, I reckon."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is needless to say that the crowd enjoyed the joke hugely.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "It is easier to pay a small debt than a larger one."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0026" id="link2H_4_0026"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Uncle Abe Believes in the Intelligence of Oysters.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      In the year 1860 or thereabouts, when a great patent case was being tried
+      in Chicago, and champagne and oysters were the favorite viands served
+      nightly to Counsel and Jurors after the adjournment of Court, it happened
+      that one Ed. D&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n, a young patent lawyer from New York,
+      was present on one of those occasions. Now, Ned is terribly afflicted with
+      a determination of words to the mouth, and managed to monopolize the whole
+      conversation. Ned had a speech to make upon everything, and kept buzzing
+      around like a musquito, dipping his bill into everything animate or
+      inanimate, no matter which. At last he began to officiate at serving out
+      the oysters, and with ladle in hand, said in his usual stilted style, "I
+      wonder whether this bivalve, this seemingly obtuse oyster, is endowed with
+      any degree of intelligence." Uncle Abe looked at the puppy, who, by the
+      way, had prevented him cracking a single one of his favorite jokes for the
+      entire evening, and quaintly remarked, that "he was satisfied that an
+      oyster knew when to shut up, and that was more than some New York lawyers
+      knew." Ned has never propounded the query as to the intellect of oysters
+      since.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      An Egyptian Snake Story
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The last county made in Illinois&mdash;I don't mean by the Legislature,
+      but by Nature, and where dirt was so short that it lies under water part
+      of the year&mdash;is called Alexander, and used to boast two rival towns,
+      both thoroughly Egyptian in their nomenclative association&mdash;Cairo and
+      Thebes. Twenty years ago Thebes was the "seat of justice;" but Cairo was
+      then beginning to entertain magnificent expectations, and her citizens
+      wanted to have the Court House removed to their town. The contest waxed
+      warm. The Thebans contended that Cairo was only a "daub of mud on the tail
+      of the State," while Thebes was destined to hold the same relation to
+      Alexander, that its ancient namesake did to Egypt in the time of Menes.
+      [See Herodotus.] But to settle the dispute, the Legislature must be
+      appealed to, and that involved the choice of a man favorable to the
+      change. This narrowed the fight right down to a hot county canvass between
+      the Theban and Cairoine interests.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A Cairo man conceived a scheme that was ahead of anything yet achieved by
+      Uncle Abe's brigadiers in the way of "strategy." He wrapped a boulder in a
+      green hide, making a perfectly round mass, to which he attached a mule;
+      then night after night he drew the stone through sand and mud. By going on
+      a straight line, the mule's tracks were concealed, and the track left,
+      resembled that made by a huge serpent.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:65%;">
+      <img src="images/0041m.jpg" alt="0041m " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/0041.jpg"><i>Original</i></a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      These tracks were mainly in the south end of the county, and caused an
+      excitement that almost absorbed the election interest. Soon it was
+      reported that Mrs. so and so had seen a huge snake. The wonder grew apace.
+      Anon it was currently reported that two men had seen the great serpent
+      five miles above Cairo. The excitement increased. Several daring hunters
+      followed the track, of which new ones were made every night; but the trail
+      always led into water and was lost. Several persons missed hogs and
+      calves, which were surmised to have gone into the capacious maw of the
+      serpent. Finally word was given out that a great hunt was to come off in
+      the lower part of the county, and the rendezvous was appointed. On the
+      morning, hundreds were there from all parts of the county, and dividing
+      into squads they started to scour the country about. At night they
+      returned from their snakeless hunt, but so anxious were the people to get
+      rid of his snakeship, that they furnished an abundance of edibles and
+      whisky. All were in hilarious spirits, determined to renew the hunt on the
+      following morning. By daylight the hunters were again on the tramp, and
+      men from the lower part of the county happened to fall into the squad.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      About 3 o'clock in the afternoon, a squad of the bans hove in sight of a
+      small village, <i>i.e.</i> one house a blacksmith shop and a grocery,
+      where, seeing a large crowd assembled, they hurried up in expectation of
+      seeing the dead monster. <i>But the men were voting!</i>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Thunder!" cried a Theban, "this is election day, and I'll bet my bottom
+      dollar we're sold!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They started for the rendezvous and spread their suspicions; but so few
+      reached their own precincts, that the Cairo man was elected.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then the joke came out; but the Thebans couldn't see the "laughing place;"
+      their rage and mortification was so intense.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe was a member of the Legislature, when an effort was made to
+      change the county seat of Alexander; and though he liked the joke hugely
+      by which the Thebans had been "diddled," he saw the honesty of the thing
+      and so voted against any change.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Why Uncle Abe Made a Brigadier.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      When the rebellion had gone so far as to give the most hopeful some clear
+      idea of its extent and malignancy, it chanced that J. A. Mc&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;d,
+      a leading politician of Illinois, made a visit to Washington, and imitated
+      his friend Douglas so far as to call upon Uncle Abe. The "shoot" that
+      certain prominent Democrats gave indication of taking, by talking of
+      reconstruction and a Northwestern Republic, gave the new administration
+      some concern. Uncle Abe was very sociable with Logan, Mac, and a few of
+      their "ilk." So Uncle Abe not only extended to Mac the hospitalities of
+      the White House, but accompanied him on a visit to the arsenal. While
+      there, their attention was drawn to some muskets which the speculators had
+      furnished to Cameron, and which were thought (generally) very dangerous to
+      those who used them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mac caught up one, and sighted along the barrel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Do that again, Mac," said Uncle Abe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mac complied. Uncle Abe was evidently struck with an idea, and Mac was
+      anxious to know what it was like.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Why, Mac," said Uncle Abe, "I was thinking if we could get all our
+      soldiers to make up that kind of a face, that the rebels couldn't stand it
+      a moment." Mac didn't relish Uncle Abe's joke, as he was hopefully in
+      pursuit of the third wife; but he put the best face he could upon the
+      matter, and remarked to Uncle Abe&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Perhaps you'd better make me a Brigadier then!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "And why not?" asked Uncle Abe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mac got his commission.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Uncle Abe Puzzled.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe was met one day near Springfield, by a conceited coxcomb, who
+      had built him a house at some distance, and invited him to dinner. Uncle
+      Abe did not much relish the Jackenape's acquaintance. In fact, as Justice
+      Shallow has it, had "written him down an Ass." However, Abe enquired very
+      minutely, where Snooks lived? "Thistle Grove," replied the verdant Snooks;
+      "but there's no grove now, and not a single thistle!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Eh, what!" cries Uncle Abe, "not a single thistle! Then what on airth do
+      you live on?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0030" id="link2H_4_0030"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Uncle Abe Divided on a Question.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      In 1840 or '41, Uncle Abo was a member of the Illinois Legislature. The
+      Capital had lately been removed from Vandalia to Springfield. The
+      Legislature met in the Presbyterian church.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have forgotten what measure was before the house; but it was one in
+      which there were many members who did not wish to commit themselves. Uncle
+      Abe was in this predicament. He sat near an open window, and when the
+      clerk, calling the ayes and nays had got down to L's, Uncle Abe thrust his
+      right leg out of the window, and was just drawing its long companion after
+      it, when an anti-dodging member "seeing the game," shut the sash down and
+      held Uncle Abe in a trap.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Lincoln," called out the Clerk.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Mr. Speaker," said Col. Thornton, "Mr. Lincoln is <i>divided</i> on this
+      question, and I move you that the sergeant at arms be sent to bring in
+      that part of him that is out of the window."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe was "<i>brought in</i>" amid a universal titter, to his evident
+      mortification.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In 1840, the Union generally went for Harrison; but Illinois,
+      particularly, was democratic. When the Legislature met in the Fall of that
+      year, the Whig members tried to break up the <i>new</i> Session by
+      absenting themselves from voting to adjourn the old Session <i>sine die</i>,
+      so that they could Constitutionally meet the next Wednesday morning; the
+      State Constitution requiring the Legislature to meet "the first Monday in
+      December next, ensuing the election of members." After the breaking up of
+      the morning Session, the Sergeant-at-arms hunted up the delinquent Whigs,
+      and at 3 o'clock there was a quorum obtained, and the doors locked. The
+      Springfield <i>Register</i> of Dec. 11, 1840, mentions this matter, but
+      thinks Uncle Abe "come off without damage, as it was noticed that his legs
+      reached nearly from the window to the ground!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A proposition was afterwards humorously proposed, to add another story to
+      the new State House, so that fugacious members would have to go down the
+      water spouts if they ran!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0031" id="link2H_4_0031"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Tried for Scaring the Girls.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Thirty years ago, when Springfield was blooming into the dignity of its
+      Capitalive position, the American House was its great hotel, (and it isn't
+      its smallest yet,) and the resort of those who loved to spend a few hours
+      in the society of the <i>bon vivants</i> who then assembled&mdash;Lincoln,
+      Douglas, Shields, Ferguson, Herndon, (then a young man, but since the law
+      partner of Uncle Abe,) and many others "not unknown to fame," could almost
+      always be found here during the evening.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One evening as they were sitting in free converse in the bar-room, one of
+      the chamber maids came in and informed the landlord that a man was under
+      her bed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It seems while stooping down to untie her gaiters, she saw a man under the
+      bed. With rare presence of mind, she excused herself to her fellow servant
+      as having forgotten some duty, and reported her discovery to the landlord.
+      Boniface at once called for volunteers to secure the interloper. So eager
+      were they for fun, that all volunteered. They surprised and captured the
+      man, and brought him down to the bar-room; but what to do with him? was
+      the next question. Springfield then had no vagabonds who made fees out of
+      misfortunes&mdash;i.e. policemen&mdash;and it was determined to treat him
+      with the prompt justice peculiar to that era. A court was therefore got
+      together at once, all expectant of fun but the unfortunate culprit.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Judge Thomas Brown was decided upon to act as Judge; Melborn, the
+      talented, but eccentric State Attorney, was detailed to prosecute; and
+      Lincoln and Douglas to defend the prisoner. Dr. Wallace acted as Sheriff,
+      and upon the jury were Dr. Merriman, * Gen. Shields, John Calhoun (of
+      Lecompton memory,) Uri Manly, and many other well known personages.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Lawborn, though a regularly-educated and talented lawyer, took occasion
+      not only to be as "funny as he could," but to imitate the prevailing style
+      of oratory too common in Illinois&mdash;a style in which the
+      Hard-shell-Baptist devil mingled with the rough dialect of the
+      back-woodsman.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "<i>May it please your Honor, and you, gentlemen of the Jury</i>: The
+      Legislature of Illinois, though it has legislated upon every subject it
+      could think of, has omitted to pass any act against a man being born as
+      ugly as he pleases. If such an idea ever occurred to my friend Lincoln
+      here, when in the Legislature, I know he would at once dismiss it, not
+      only as too personal, but as repugnant to his honest heart. As for myself,
+      I like ugly men. An ugly man stands up on his own merits. Nature has done
+      nothing for him, and he feels that he must labor to supply the deficit by
+      amiability and good conduct generally. There is not an ugly man in this
+      room but has felt this. A pretty man, on the contrary, trusts his face to
+      supply head, heart and everything. He is an anomaly in nature, as though
+      the productions had been at fault as to sex, and sought to correct it when
+      too late. They are girl's first loves, and doting husband's jealous bane.
+      I confess I don't like pretty men half so well as I do pretty women.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     * Afterward murdered and robbed on the Pacific.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      "No, gentlemen, ugliness is nothing. It is manners that is everything. The
+      ugliest man that ever lived, never intentionally frightened a woman&mdash;nay,
+      never was so unfortunate as to do so. But this creature, gentlemen of the
+      Jury, this mendacious wretch whom you set in judgment upon&mdash;this
+      creature, who would doubtless enter for a prize of beauty at a vanity fair&mdash;how
+      has he failed in his duty to society? Why, gentlemen, by crawling under
+      the bed upon which two fair damsels were about to expose their loveliness
+      to Diana's envious gaze. Did he wish to woo them? Petruche's was rough in
+      his wooing&mdash;this man was mean! Woman loves not surprises. Their
+      hearts are fond of open sieges. This is the case of all women-kind. Maugre
+      the slander of Hudibras:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="indent10">
+      "He that woos a maid,
+    </p>
+    <p class="indent10">
+      Must lie, love, and flatter."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "It is a <i>mystery</i> that adds to beauty, and the woman who surrenders
+      that to importunity or surprise, has lost half her vantage ground. The
+      story of Guyges and Candaules' queen, if not paralleled here, is not
+      without its moral. What else meant this wretch, gentlemen of the Jury, but
+      to surprise these charming damsels when only armed with the light shield
+      that the Huntress and the cotton plant throws over earthly beauty? Or,
+      perhaps he meant more&mdash;his own guilty heart can only accuse him
+      there.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Gentlemen of the Jury, the failure of our Legislature to provide a
+      specific punishment for such miscreants, as this&mdash;lecherous
+      creatures, who steal upon woman amid the mysteries of the bed-room&mdash;is
+      no reason why society should fold its arms and leave woman's hidden
+      beauties to be anatomized by guilty eyes. No, gentlemen of the Jury,
+      outraged decency cries for its victim, and here he tremblingly, guiltily
+      stands.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Gentlemen of the Jury, where are the spirits of the fathers of the
+      Constitution? Are they not hovering over us in the air of the still summer
+      day? Are they not wailing upon the winds that sweep over our prairies? Are
+      they not heard in the sigh of the mountain pine? Are they not abroad in
+      all lands, whispering to earth's downtrodden millions like a voice of
+      hope? Yes, gentlemen of the Jury! and where was this creature then? Why,
+      creeping under the bed of two girls, hazzarding the chance of overturning&mdash;well,
+      it matters not."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &mdash;And much more, in a view that needed to be heard to be appreciated.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Lincoln followed, illustrating with anecdotes meet for the place and
+      occasion, of which I recollect only the opening. "Gentlemen of the Jury,"
+      said he, "the remarks of my friend Lawborn about ugly men, comes home to
+      my bosom like the sweet oders of a rose to its neighboring great sister,
+      the cabbage. It was a grateful, a just tribute to that neglected class of
+      the community&mdash;ugly men, I wish to say something for my client,
+      although it must in candor be admitted, that he had 'gone to pot.' I don't
+      see why we should throw the kettle after him; he may be the victim of
+      circumstances; he looks very bashful now, and it may be the girls scared
+      him; who knows? At least I claim for him the benefit of a doubt.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Why, gentlemen, many of us have, or might have suffered from a
+      concatenation of circumstances as strong as that under which my client
+      labors. Let me relate a little personal anecdote in illustration. When I
+      was making the secret canvass of this country, with my friend Cartwright,
+      the Pioneer Preacher, we chanced to stop at the house of one of our old
+      Kentucky farmers, whose log-cabin parlor, kitchen and hall were blended in
+      one, and only separated at night by sundry blankets hung up between the
+      beds. As we were candidates for the august Legislature of Illinois, our
+      host treated us with the privacy of a blanket room. During the night I was
+      awakened by some one throwing their leg over me with some force. I thought
+      it was neighbor Cartright, and took hold of it to give it a toss back; but
+      it didn't feel like one of his white oak legs, and while I was feeling it
+      to ascertain the correctness of my half-awake doubts, a stifled scream
+      thoroughly awakened me, and the leg was withdrawn. Why, gentlemen, would
+      you believe me? It was the leg of our host's daughter! Imagine my position
+      if you can! What an <i>apparent</i> breach of hospitality! While I was
+      imagining an excuse for my conduct, the 'old folks' struck a light, and
+      the blanket between our bed and that of the buxom damsel, was discovered
+      to have been pulled down! More damning proof, thought I. I feigned sleep,
+      but kept one corner of my left eye open for observation. The blanket was
+      soon fixed up, and I was greatly relieved to hear the damsel explain to
+      her mother that she herself had invaded our bed while dreaming, caused by
+      some un-digestable vegetables she had eaten for her supper. Our host was
+      serene and affable in the morning, and I had no need to apologize; but,
+      gentlemen, imagine what an escape I had, and have mercy on my client."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe made a side splitting speech all through, and Douglas followed
+      with a "constitutional" argument.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Jury returned a verdict of "guilty of scaring the girls," and the
+      Judge sentenced the culprit to be whipped in the back yard, by the girls
+      he had scared.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dr. Wallace, the acting Sheriff, (no, a paymaster in the army,) went out
+      and bought a cow hide, and the fellow was soon tied up to a post, and the
+      girls made per force to give him thirty-nine well laid on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The whole affair was a rich evening's divertisement, and cost nothing more
+      than a few lost vest buttons and strained button holes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is needless to say that the fellow became a <i>non est</i> man from
+      that day thenceforth.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0032" id="link2H_4_0032"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      "Thank God for the Sassengers."
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Most of the readers of this have perhaps read a good story of Oliver
+      Ditson, the celebrated Boston Music publisher. After he had been in
+      business several years, his New Hampshire friends invited him to open his
+      Thanksgiving in his native town, he accepted the invitation and started
+      with some of his friends. On the way Ditson was the great man of the
+      occasion, and was therefore placed at the head of the table, when it
+      devolved upon him to ask the blessing. Now Oliver practiced more religion
+      than he knew the exact forms for, and he was in a sad dilemma; but he
+      essayed boldly the task. He thanked God for all the 'creature comforts'
+      there were upon the table&mdash;for all there ever had been&mdash;for all
+      that was expected. But how to quit? He went on, thanking and trying to
+      think at the same time how 'blessings' ended, but to no purpose. Knives
+      rattled, plates moved, and Oliver saw the hungry people were getting
+      impatient, and he came to the end in a real business like style, with&mdash;"Yours,
+      respectfully, OLIVER DITSON."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Almost as good an anecdote is told by Uncle Abe of one of his old friends,
+      a Mr. Sawyer, who merchandized either in Macon or Champaign County.
+      Sawyer, was a Yankee, and distinguished for little besides an immoderate
+      liking for "sassingers," as he called that "linked sweetness" which polite
+      people call sausages. When Uncle Abe was stumping the Sangamon District
+      for Congress, it befell that he and Sawyer met at the same country hotel,
+      which was kept by a hardshell Baptist, whose foible was long prayers and
+      blessings at table. They&mdash;Lincoln and Sawyer&mdash;happened to be
+      going to the same town by the same coaches. So they were up betimes and
+      ready, but breakfast was delayed. They at last got to the table, and the
+      Deacon was just closing his eyes preliminary to the blessing, when the
+      stage horn blew.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Bless me, Deacon, there's the stage ready," cried the Sawyer; "thank God
+      for the sassengers, and let us fall too."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I hardly need say the Deacon's blessing&mdash;and perhaps his breakfast
+      were spoiled. But Sawyer had his "sassengers."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0033" id="link2H_4_0033"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Was'nt Murder After All.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      When the present State House of Illinois, was being built&mdash;and it's a
+      passable edifice, baring it is too low in the ground, and the <i>summer
+      house</i> up on its top is too low to catch the cool breezes&mdash;it
+      chanced that among the workmen engaged upon it was a New Yorker named
+      Johnson. This man had a sovereign contempt for most of the shinplasters
+      then circulating in Illinois; nor was he much amiss in this, for if it was
+      now in existence, it would be exchangable at par with Jeff Davis'
+      shinplasters. But through the instrumentality of Col. Thornton's
+      negotiations in New York with McAlister of Stebbins, (a claim, by the way,
+      that has never been settled but came near <i>settling</i> the State <i>a
+      la</i> Mattoon,) a large amount of the bills of the New York <i>Metropolitan
+      Bank</i> were put into circulation about Springfield. For this currency
+      Johnson conceived so great a partiality that the passion of avarice soon
+      turned it into a mania. He bought all these notes his means permitted, and
+      stored them away about his person with miserly care.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One Sunday Johnson was invited to ride out to the Cut off by a man (Smith
+      for the nonce) and accepted. They did'nt stop at the Cut-off, but went
+      direct to Sangamon River. Here, they were overheard quarrelling.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Smith came home without Johnson, who was soon missed, and as he was known
+      to have gone away with Smith, that individual was soon put in that log
+      building still standing (it did in '62) back of Carrigan's Hotel, and
+      which has since served as a hen house etc. (Why don't Butler take a
+      picture of it, to show the "rising generation" what a small house used to
+      hold all the <i>known or taken</i> rogues of old Sangamon?)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The examination of Smith, did not take place until the river bank had been
+      examined. There were signs of a struggle on the bank, and to the water's
+      edge, which gave force to the evidence of the man who heard them in
+      dispute, and all felt convinced that Johnson had been murdered. Although a
+      careful examination and dredging of the river failed to produce the body,
+      Smith was committed for trial.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe was engaged as counsel for Johnson, but had little hopes of
+      being of any earthly aid to him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At last the day of trial came, and the prisoner plead "not guilty."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I think it was Melborn who was the prosecuting Attorney; before the
+      prosecution had opened the case Uncle Abe rose and said:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "May it please the Court, I have a motion to make before the prosecution
+      opens; and as it may save the Court some unnecessary labor, I hope it will
+      be entertained. <i>I move that the indictment be quashed and the prisoner
+      discharged!</i>"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The astonishment of the crowded Court room was immense, shared alike by
+      Judge, bar and spectators. As soon as the Judge recovered his equanimity
+      he asked:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Upon what grounds is so extraordinary a motion made?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Why the man Johnson, was not murdered at all, and I have the pleasure of
+      introducing <i>him to the presence of the Court</i>."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Johnson was led forward. Hundreds recognized him immediately, The
+      excitement was so great that the Judge adjourned the Court.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It seems that the parties had quarreled, Johnson had been pushed into the
+      river, but had got out and wandered off in a state of partial aberation of
+      mind and had been working on a farm. His passion for Metropolitan Bank
+      Notes and his name suggested an idea that he was the missing man, and he
+      was opportunely produced in time to save a man from being hung.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0034" id="link2H_4_0034"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Joe Reed's Mule Hunt.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      One of the best natured fellows in the world, when he is not mad, is Joe
+      Reed, of Logan County, Illinois, Joe is a staunch Republican&mdash;a real
+      rip-rarer in the cause, and has given Uncle Abe the lift of a mighty broad
+      pair of shoulders more than once, although at first he had a poor opinion
+      of the rail-splitter. Thereby hangs a tale.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In 18&mdash;, (the date is forgotten on account of the coldness of the
+      weather that winter,) Joe lost a couple of mules. After they had been gone
+      for a long time, he chanced to hear of them in a settlement somewhere
+      within the present bounds of Macon County. Illinois. At the first
+      opportunity Joe started on a mule hunt, determined to find either the
+      mules or some <i>trace</i> of them. On reaching the neighborhood in
+      question, Joe was satisfied that an old fellow named Bosby Sheel, had his
+      mules; and when he went in person, and saw them, the assurance of his eyes
+      made "assurance double sure." He at once made claim, but the old fellow
+      had heard that possession was nine points of the law&mdash;he declined to
+      surrender them; Joe immediately appealed to old Squire P&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;,
+      who at once summoned the holder of the mules to his Court. The Squire
+      informed Joe that he would have to prove property; but Joe said he would
+      only have to swear to his property. In this dilemma, the Squire adjourned
+      Court till after dinner and remarked to Joe that he had better get a
+      lawyer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "There is young Abe Lincoln, he don't live far from here, and he'll be at
+      my house after dinner."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As he was the only lawyer immediately thereabouts, Joe thought he had best
+      employ him, in order to "have the law on his side."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Soon after dinner a stranger arrived, and the Justice (who was landlord of
+      the only hotel in the settlement,) whispered to Joe, that that was the
+      lawyer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "What!" exclaimed Joe, "that lean, lank gawky? Why, I'll bet both of them
+      mules I know more law nor he does, for I'm a 'Squire at home myself&mdash;I
+      am."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "But his looks is mighty deceivin', I tell you," said Boniface. "He's gin
+      out to be one of the piertest young fellows short o' Sangamon."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But Joe was decided, and the 'Squire re-convened his Court, he having the
+      meantime laid the case before his young friend, the lawyer, and got his
+      opinion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Acting his own lawyer, Joe felt it due to his course to give a concise
+      statement of the law. As he stood up, he still continued to read from a
+      green-covered book that had engaged his attention most of the day It was
+      one of Cooper's latest novels. As Joe gave his version of the law, it
+      seemed to 'Squire P&mdash;&mdash;&mdash; that he was <i>reading</i> the
+      law.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Is that really the law?" said he, as Joe finished his version of the law&mdash;not
+      the book. "Let me see that book."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Joe mechanically handed it to him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After pouring over it for some time, he handed it back, with an air of
+      disappointment, remarking:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Drat me! if I see any sich law in that book."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well, it ain't no wonder ye don't&mdash;that's the <i>Red Rover</i>, a
+      novel and not a law book, and you've been and lost my place too," Joe
+      found his place, and continued: "what I told you is what the law says, and
+      I know it's so."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well, as you're a 'Squire, too, I reckon you ought to know. As the mules
+      don't belong to old man Bosby Sheel and you swear they are you'rn, I hold
+      he's bound to give'em up."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Joe rallied the old Squire rather hard about looking over the <i>Red Rover</i>
+      for extra law, but finally "give a treat" and left the Squire and his
+      friend in the best of humors.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Said Uncle Abe when he had the small-pox, "I now can give something to
+      every one who calls."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0035" id="link2H_4_0035"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Has no Influence with the Administration.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Judge Baldwin, an old and highly respectable and sedate gentleman, called
+      a few days since on Gen. Halleck, and presuming upon a familiar
+      acquaintance in California formerly, solicited a pass outside of our
+      lines, to see a brother in Virginia, not thinking that he would be met
+      with a refusal, as both his brother and himself were good Union men.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "We have been deceived too often," said General Halleck, "and I regret I
+      can't grant it."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Judge B. then went to Stanton, and was very briefly disposed of with the
+      same result. Finally he obtained an interview with Uncle Abe, and stated
+      his case.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Have you applied to Gen. Halleck?" inquired the President.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "And met with a flat refusal," said Judge B.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Then you must see Stanton," continued Uncle Abe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I have, and with the same result," was the reply.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well, then," said Uncle Abe, with a smile of good humor, "I can do
+      nothing; for you must know <i>that I have very little influence with this
+      Administration</i>."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0036" id="link2H_4_0036"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Touching Incident.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The following incident, which occurred at the White House, will appeal to
+      every heart. It reveals unmistakably the deep kindness of Uncle Abe's
+      character:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "At a reception recently at the White House, many persons present noticed
+      three little girls poorly dressed, the children of some mechanic or
+      laboring man, who had followed the visitors into the house to gratify
+      their curiosity. They were passed from room to room, and were passing
+      through the reception room with some trepidation, when Uncle Abe, called
+      to them: 'Little girls, are you going to pass me without shaking hands?'
+      Then he bent his tall, awkward form down, and shook each little girl
+      warmly by the hand. Everybody in the apartment was spellbound by the
+      incident, so simple in itself, yet revealing so much of Uncle Abe's
+      character."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0037" id="link2H_4_0037"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Lincoln Man Ducked.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      During the canvass between Uncle Abe, and Peter Cartright, the celebrated
+      Pioneer Preacher, it chanced that Cartright, was returning to his home
+      from the Williamsville and Wiggins Lane settlement. The nearest crossing
+      of the Sangamon was at Carpenter's Mills, where there was the convenience
+      of a ferry instead of a bridge, as is now the case. Upon the hill on the
+      western side of the river, Cartright saw a man elevated upon a barrel in
+      front of a little grocery&mdash;and on nearing him, he discovered that he
+      was giving the Democrats in general, and Uncle Peter Cartright in
+      particular, a perfect fusilade of small shots of slang and abuse.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I tell you, boys, I'm a Whig,&mdash;a real Harrison Tippacanoe and Tyler
+      too, Whig," said he. "I'm for putting down all these cuss'd locofocos, and
+      if we can't vote'em down, why I go for lickin'em' down. There's long Abe
+      Lincoln that's runnin' for the Legislature&mdash;he's the chap to vote
+      for. He's one of the people&mdash;split rails and got his edycation by
+      moonlight. He don't go round the country prayin' and preachin' like that
+      mean Methodist cuss, Peter Cartright, that's runnin' agin him. I'd like to
+      know what we wants of a parson to make laws for us? Just elect him, and
+      fust you know he'll have a bill into the Legislature, to fine us for not
+      goin' to meetin' or for drinkin' a glass of whisky. I'll tell you what, if
+      he ever comes round here, I'll just pass him inter the Sangamon&mdash;certain&mdash;sure."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Just here Uncle Peter Cartright enquired for "the ferryman.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I'm the ferry-man, old hoss," sung out the rustic orator, "and ken put ye
+      cross the river in no time." Uncle Peter signified his desire to cross,
+      and the twain started towards the ferry boat. The Preacher stepping into
+      the boat, hitched his horse to the side, while the ferryman shoved out
+      into the stream.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "So you are a Lincoln man?" queried Uncle Peter. "I'm that hoss."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "And so I presume you would douse a Cartright man if you had a chance?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I mought do it stranger."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Certainly you would douse Mr. Cartright?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Sure's winkin', old fellow."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well Sir, I am Peter Cartright at your service," and before the ferryman
+      recovered from his surprise Uncle Peter pitched him into the river, took
+      the pole and put himself across the river.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The ferryman did'nt vote for Uncle Peter but he altered his opinion of
+      Methodist preachers in general and Uncle Peter in particular.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0038" id="link2H_4_0038"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Comparison.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      One day as Uncle Abe, and a friend were sitting on the House of
+      Representatives steps, the session closed, and the members filed out in a
+      body. Uncle Abe looked after them with a serious smile. "That reminds me,"
+      said he, "of a little incident when I was a boy; my flat boat lay up at
+      Alton on the Mississippi, for a day, and I strolled about the town. I saw
+      a large stone building, with massive stone walls, not so handsome though,
+      as this, and while I was looking at it, the iron gateway opened, and a
+      great body of men came out. 'What do you call that?' I asked a bystander.
+      'That,' said he, 'is the State Prison, and those are all thieves going
+      home. Their time is up.'"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0039" id="link2H_4_0039"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      "There's Enough for All."
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe was terribly bored by the office seekers, even before the
+      Presidential house-warming had scarcely began. The Illinois politicians
+      were the most ravenous pap-Suckers of all.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Just wait a little," said Uncle Abe, "I can assure you, as L&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;d
+      S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;t did the swine, 'there's enough for all.'"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Let us have the story, Uncle Abe," said one of the crowd, who evidently
+      expected something rich.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Why, you see," began Uncle Abe, "I attended court many years ago at Mt.
+      Pulaski, the first county seat of Logan County, and there was the jolliest
+      set of rollicking young Lawyers there that you ever saw together. There
+      was Bill F&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n, Bill H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n, L&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;d
+      S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;t, and a lot more, and they mixed law and Latin,
+      water and whisky, with equal success. It so fell out that the whisky
+      seemed to be possessed of the very spirit of Jonah. At any rate, S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;t
+      went out to the hog-pen, and, leaning over, began to 'throw up Jonah.' The
+      hogs evidently thought it feed time, for they rushed forward and began to
+      squabble over the voided matter.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Don't fight (hic),' said S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;t: 'there's enough (hic)
+      for all.'"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &mdash;The politicians couldn't see anything to laugh at, although the
+      "snubbin" was plain enough.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0040" id="link2H_4_0040"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Making a President.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe, in elucidating his estimate of Presidential honors, tells a
+      clever story, as he always does, when he sets about it. It seems that
+      Windy Billy, who is a politician of no ordinary pretensions, was a
+      candidate for the Consulship of Bayonne, and he urged his appointment with
+      the eloquence of a Clay or a Seward. He boasted vociferously of his
+      activity in promoting the success of the Republican ticket, and averred
+      with his impassioned earnestness that he and he alone had made Uncle Abe
+      President.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Ah!" exclaimed Uncle Abe, "and it was you who made me President, was it?"
+      a twinkle in his eye all the time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Yes," said Billy, rubbing his hands and throwing out his chest, as a
+      baggage-master would a small valise, "yes, I think I may say I am the man
+      who made you President."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well, Billy, my boy, if that's the case, it's a h&mdash;ll of a muss you
+      got me into, that's all."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0041" id="link2H_4_0041"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Uncle Abe Boss of the Cabinet.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      A prominent Senator was remonstrating with Uncle Abe a few days ago about
+      keeping Mr. Chase in his Cabinet, when it was as well known that Mr. C. is
+      opposed, tooth and nail, to Uncle Abe's re-election.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Now, see here," said Uncle Abe, "when I was elected I resolved to hire my
+      four Presidential rivals, pay them their wages and be their 'boss.' These
+      were Seward, Chase, Cameron and Bates; but I got rid of Cameron after he
+      had played himself out. As to discharging Chase or Seward, don't talk of
+      it. I pay them their wages and am their boss, and would'nt let either of
+      them out on the loose for the fee simple of the Almaden patent."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0042" id="link2H_4_0042"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Uncle Peter Cartright's Wonder.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Some of the farmers in and about Saggamon county, Illinois, have been and
+      still are so intent on cattle-raising, that the business is a sort of
+      cattle-mania. Uncle Peter was one Sunday preaching near a good old deacon
+      of this sort, whose piety was somewhat like that of a card-playing lady
+      mentioned by Addison, (Spectator No. 7,) who had a set hour for her
+      devotions, and if she happened to be at a game, would get a friend to
+      "hold her hand" while she said her prayers. Our worthy deacon was rather
+      vain of his "gift" praying and saying "blessings" at table. As a matter of
+      courtesy, he might occasionally ask a visiting preacher to pray or ask a
+      blessing; but he never failed to exhibit his "gift" to his visitors. He
+      had a singsong way of "getting it off," at the same time beating time with
+      his hands on either side of his plate. On the occasion alluded to, he
+      began&mdash;"Oh Lord! (thump) bless the creature comforts (thump) provided
+      for our (thump) sustenance (thump.) Bless it (thump) to our needs (thump)
+      and necessities, (thump). Lead us aright, (thump) but if we stray (thump)
+      put us back (thump) into the right path, (thump). Bless the stranger
+      (thump) that comes beneath our roof, (thump) and keep his feet (thump) in
+      pleasant paths, (thump). What we ask (thump) amiss, (thump) withhold;
+      (thump) but grant us what our (thump) short-sightedness omits, (thump) and
+      thine be the glory (thump) now and for ever, (thump) a&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And here the old deacon stopped suddenly, opened his eyes, and looking
+      across the table, asked:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Son John, did Mr. Jones settle yet for that Durham cow?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Yes, father&mdash;it's all right."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Amen," concluded the deacon.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Cattle! cattle!" exclaimed Uncle Peter in ill-concealed disgust.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Why, you can't say your prayers without having cattle running through
+      your head; I wonder the Lord don't turn such Christians into cattle!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0043" id="link2H_4_0043"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Uncle Abe a Shaksperian.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      When Uncle Abe was making a plea in one of the county Circuit Courts, not
+      far from Springfield, one of the lawyers becoming sensible that he was
+      being out-generaled, remarked to Uncle Abe, as he sat down&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I smell a mice."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Why don't you quote Shakspeare correctly?" said Uncle Abe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Why," said the other, "I was not aware that I Was quoting Shakspeare at
+      all."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Certainly you were, and had you done it properly, it would have been more
+      expressive and less vulgar. The correct expression is, 'I smell a
+      device.'"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0044" id="link2H_4_0044"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Running Sickness.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      In the Black Hawk war, Uncle Abe belonged to a militia company in the
+      service. On a scout, the company encountered the Indians, and in a brisk
+      skirmish drove them some miles, when, night coming on, our forces
+      encamped. Great was the consternation on discovering that Lincoln was
+      missing. His absence or rather his stories, from the bivouac, was a
+      misfortune. Suddenly, however, he came into camp. "Maj. Abe, is that you?
+      Thought you were killed. Where've you been?" were the startling
+      speculations. "Yes," said Uncle Abe, "this is me&mdash;ain't killed
+      either."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "But where have you been all the time?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Oh, just over there."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "But what were you over there for? Didn't run away, did you?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "No," said he deliberately, "I don't think I run away; but, after all, I
+      reckon if anybody had seen me going, and had been told I was going for a
+      doctor, he would have thought somebody was almighty sick."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0045" id="link2H_4_0045"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      How to Get Rid of Rats.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      So thick had the rats become in Logan County, a few years ago, that the
+      means of getting rid of the nuisance was freely discussed. The newly
+      organized Agricultural Society, finally concluded to offer three premiums
+      for the then largest numbers. The man who took the largest prize,
+      exhibited over 1,700 scalps all caught in the space of three weeks. At the
+      time these prizes were pending, Uncle Abe attended Court there, and Col. L&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n,
+      (a considerable gourmand,) by the way, was discussing the best way to get
+      rid of the rats, and finally asked Uncle Abe's opinion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Why," said Uncle Abe, "rats are a 'cunning cattle,' and soon find out how
+      things are going. I introduce them to your table as a delicacy, and when
+      they find out you are making 'game' of them they will soon give you a wide
+      berth."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Colonel winced under a faint impression; but silently ratified Uncle
+      Abe's conclusions. "Yes," chimed in M&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;, "we might go
+      so far as to use their pelts to ornament our winter clothing."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0046" id="link2H_4_0046"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Palpable Application
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      On a late occasion, when the White House was open to the public, a farmer
+      from one of the border counties of Virginia told Uncle Abe that the Union
+      soldiers, in passing his farm, had helped themselves not only to hay, but
+      his horses, and he hoped the President would urge the proper officer to
+      consider his claim immediately. "Why, my dear sir," replied Uncle Abe,
+      blandly, "I couldn't think of such a thing. If I considered individual
+      cases, I should find work for twenty Presidents!" Bowie urged his needs
+      persistently; Uncle Abe declined good-naturedly. "But," said the
+      persevering sufferer, "couldn't you just give me a line to Colonel &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;-
+      about it? just one line?" "Ha, ha, ha!" responded amiable Uncle Abe,
+      shaking himself fervently, and crossing his legs the other way, "that
+      reminds me of old Jack Chase out in Illinois." At this the crowd huddled
+      forward to listen. "You have seen Jack&mdash;I knew him like a brother&mdash;used
+      to be a lumberman on the Illinois, and he was steady and sober, and the
+      best raftsman on the river. It was quite a trick twenty-five years ago to
+      take the logs over the rapids, but he was skillful, with a raft, and
+      always kept her straight in the channel. Finally a steamboat was put on,
+      and Jack&mdash;he's dead now, poor fellow!&mdash;was made captain of her.
+      He used to take the wheel going through the rapids. One day, when the boat
+      was plunging and wallowing along the boiling current, and Jack's utmost
+      vigilance was exercised to keep her in the narrow channel, a boy pulled
+      his coat tail, and hailed him with, 'Sir, Mister Captain! I wish you'd
+      just stop your boat a minute&mdash;I've lost my apple overboard!'"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0047" id="link2H_4_0047"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Uncle Abe on the Whisky Question.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      A committee, just previous to the fall of Vicksburg, solicitous for the <i>morale</i>
+      of our armies, took it upon themselves to visit the President and urge the
+      removal of General Grant. .
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "What for?" asked Uncle Abe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Why," replied the busy-bodies, "he drinks too much whisky."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Ah!" rejoined Uncle Abe, "can you inform me gentlemen, where General
+      Grant procures his whisky?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The committee confessed they could not.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Because," added Uncle Abe, with a merry twinkle in his eye, "If I can
+      find out, I'll send a barrel of it to every General in the field!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The delegation retired in reasonable good order.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0048" id="link2H_4_0048"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Edwards vs. Lincoln.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      One day soon after Uncle Abe began the canvass with Judge Douglas for the
+      United States Senate, Lincoln, an Editor, accosted Nivian W. Edwards,
+      (Uncle Abe's brother-in-law,) as Mr. Lincoln himself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well," said Edwards, "I think I must be growing taller and uglier every
+      day, for this is the sixth time I've been taken for Abe within a week."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Notwithstanding Edwards was a Democrat and a joker, Uncle Abe made him a
+      commissary in the army.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0049" id="link2H_4_0049"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Metalic Ring.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The new practical postal currency have upon the face, a faint oval ring of
+      bronze, encircling the vignette. Uncle Abe being asked its use, replied
+      that it was a faint attempt on the part of Mr. Chase, to give the new
+      currency a metalic ring.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0050" id="link2H_4_0050"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Grateful Postmaster.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Said a long legged hoosier, on receiving the appointment of Postmaster, in
+      Sangamon County, "I tell you Uncle Abe, you're a hoss," "yes replied Uncle
+      Abe, a <i>draft</i> horse."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0051" id="link2H_4_0051"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Serious Joke.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      Washington, February 18, 1864
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      To Wm. Fishback
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When I fixed a <i>plan</i> for an election in Arkansas I did it in
+      ignorance that your convention was at the same work. Since I learned the
+      latter fact I have been constantly trying to yield my <i>plan</i> to
+      theirs. I have sent two letters to General Steel, and three or four
+      dispatches to you and others, saying that (General Steel,) must be master,
+      but that it will probably be best for him to keep the convention on its
+      own <i>plan</i>. Some single mind must be master, else there will be no
+      agreement on any thing; and General Steel, commanding the military, and
+      being on the ground, is the best man to be that master. Even now citizens
+      are telegraphing me to postpone the election to a later day than either
+      fixed by the Convention or me This discord must be silenced.
+    </p>
+    <h3>
+      A. LINCOLN.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      A young Massachusetts soldier, named Merrill, writes a Washington
+      correspondent, had on ounce ball pass through his head during the battle
+      of Fredericksburg. It entered near his right eye and was extracted behind
+      his left ear. Another ball would have entered a vital part of his body had
+      it not been arrested by a Testament, in which it lodged. When this
+      safeguard was shown to Uncle Abe, he sent to the hospital a handsome
+      pocket Bible, in which was written: "Charles V. Merrill, Co. A. 19th
+      Massachusetts, from A. Lincoln."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Major-General Grant,&mdash;Understanding that your lodgment at
+      Chattanooga and Knoxville is now secure I wish to tender you, and all
+      under your command, my more than thanks&mdash;my profoundest gratitude&mdash;for
+      the skill, courage, and perseverence with which you and they, over so
+      great difficulties, have effected that important object. God bless you
+      all!
+    </p>
+    <h3>
+      "A. LINCOLN."
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0052" id="link2H_4_0052"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Fix the Date.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe, was conversing with some friends and remarked, "There's a good
+      Time coming," a countryman stepped up to Uncle Abe, and said: "Mister, you
+      could'nt fix to date, could yous?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0053" id="link2H_4_0053"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Rival of Uncle Abe.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Old Abe has got off many good things since he left Springfield, but the
+      following equals anything which has proceeded from that veteran joker.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "In the Georgia Legislature, Mr. Linton Stephens, brother of the rebel
+      Vice President, introduced a resolution in the House of Representatives
+      declaring that peace be officially offered to the enemy after every
+      Confederate victory."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0054" id="link2H_4_0054"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Uncle Abe's Estimate of the Senate.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe, says that in the Senate, he "owns nine of the Senators and
+      one-half of another."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Who owns the other half?" asked a gentleman to whom Uncle Abe was
+      speaking. "Henry Wilson of Massachusetts," replied the Chief Magistrate,
+      "Wilson is for me," says the President, "before breakfast; rather against
+      me while his digestion is going on after it; loves me like pie during the
+      hours which he spends visiting the various departments and asking for
+      places and patronage; and bitterly my enemy from seven every evening until
+      he goes to bed, drops asleep and commences snoring. Wilson is carrying
+      water on both shoulders but I guess he'll get a wetting and soil his
+      clothes before he gets through."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0055" id="link2H_4_0055"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      "Thought he Must be Good for Something."
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      An Illinois man who had known the "boy Mayor," John Hay, from boyhood, was
+      expressing to Uncle Abe, after the massacre at Olustee, some regret that
+      he should have supposed him capable of any military position.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "About Hay," said Uncle Abe, "the fact was, I was pretty much like Jim
+      Hawks, out in Illinois, who sold a dog to a hunting neighbor, as a
+      first-rate coon dog. A few days after, the fellow brought him back, saying
+      he 'wasn't worth a cuss for coons.' 'Well,' said Jim, I tried him for
+      everything else, and he wasn't worth a d&mdash;&mdash;n, and so I thought
+      he <i>must</i> be good for coons.'"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0056" id="link2H_4_0056"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Aptly Said.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      To a man who was condoling Uncle Abe on the disaster at Olustee, and
+      suggesting how it might have been prevented, he said:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Your remarks are well intended, doubtless; but they do little less than
+      aggravate a thing which I can't help thinking might have been helped. It
+      reminds me of a story that I read when I was a boy. An old fellow who had
+      clambered rather high into an apple tree, fell and broke his arm. A
+      sympathizing and philosophic neighbor, seeing his mishap, went to his aid.
+      'Ah,' said he, 'if you had followed my plan you would have escaped this.'
+      'Indeed, what is your plan?' enquired the groaning man. 'Why, never to let
+      go both hands, till you get one hold somewhere else.'"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The would-be Brigadier saw the point, and left.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I see you've got to the sticking point at last," as the Democrat remarked
+      to a slippery Republican, whose team had gone into the ground up to the
+      hub.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "They have gone up every Creek and Bayou where it was a little damp."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Linkums" Sold Cheap.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Daring the Presidential contest of 1860, there was an Italian artist of
+      plaster figures in Springfield, who supplied "leetel Linkums," as he
+      called his figures, faster than ever Uncle Abe did. He succeeded in
+      putting one of these Republican penates into every Republican house in
+      town, but they finally became a "drug" in the market. However, he kept his
+      "asking price" up; but his selling price was as various as his buyers, and
+      hard to deal with.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One day, with a load of these upon his head, he entered a jeweller's shop,
+      and accosted the man behind the counter with&mdash; *
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "You buys'em leetel Linkums?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "No&mdash;don't want'em."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Sells'em cheap," persisted the Italian.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well, how do you sell to-day?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Fifty cent piece."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I'll give you a dollar for the lot," said A&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;,
+      expecting to pose the Italian.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "You takes'em," greedily exclaimed the artist, and he left Mr. L. A. A&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n
+      with a lot of plaster on hand which he had hard work to give away.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "There's an odor of nationality about those bills, said Secretary Chase,
+      showing a lot of the firstlings of his greenbacks to Uncle Abe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "A very good figure of speech," replied Uncle Abe, "but you must not get
+      too many under the public nostril, or your figure of speech will be an
+      odor of fact."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      April 1, 1862, greenbacks, 100. April 1, 1864, greenbacks, 55.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0057" id="link2H_4_0057"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Uncle Abe as a Pilot.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The captain of one of the Mississippi river steamers one morning, while
+      his boat was lying at her moorings at New Orleans, waiting for the tardy
+      pilot, who, it appears, was a rather uncertain sort of fellow, saw a tall,
+      gaunt Sucker make his appearance before the captain's office, and sing out&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Hello, cap'n! you don't want a pilot nor nothin' about this 'ere craft,
+      do ye?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "How do you know I don't?" responded the captain.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Oh, you don't understand; I axed you s'posin' you did?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Then, supposing I do, what of it?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well," said Uncle Abe, for it was he, "I reckon I know suthin' about that
+      ere sort o' business, provided you wanted a feller of jest about my size."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The captain gave him a scrutinising glance, and with an expression of
+      countenance which seemed to say, "I should pity the steamer that you
+      piloted," asked&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Are you acquainted with the river, and do you know where the snags are?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well, ye-as," responded Uncle Abe rather hesitatingly, "I'm pretty well
+      acquainted with the river, but the snags, I don't know exactly so much
+      about them."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Don't know about the snags?" exclaimed the captain, contemptuously,
+      "don't know about the snags! You'd make a pretty pilot!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At this Uncle Abe's countenance assumed anything but an angelic
+      expression, and with a darkened brow and a fiercely flashing eye, he drew
+      himself up to his full height, and indignantly roared back in a voice of
+      thunder:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "What do I want to know where the snags are for, old sea-hoss? I know
+      where they ain't, and there's where I do my sailing!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is sufficient to know that Uncle Abe was promptly engaged, and that the
+      captain takes pleasure in saying that he proved himself one of the best
+      pilots on the river.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      (Wonder if Uncle Abe has forgotten how to sail in clear water? A. A.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0058" id="link2H_4_0058"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Uncle Abe's Valentine.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe on the 14th of last February, received a valentine in the shape
+      of a picture of the American eagle, with a financial allusion. The bird of
+      freedom appeared to be engaged in picking up gold coin, while at the end
+      of the bird most remote from his head there was a pile of "green-backs,"
+      into which this coin seemed to have been mysteriously transmuted.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe, who takes such things philosophically, and always acknowledges
+      a palpable hit with grace and good natured cheerfulness, went to his
+      Secretary of the Treasury, to exhibit his bird, in order that the latter
+      might enjoy the joke with him. Mr. Chase, however, was not disposed to
+      take the matter in the same spirit Uncle Abe did; but appeared to be much
+      out of humor at this hieroglyphical attack upon his department of the
+      government. In tones in which there was evidently a slight admixture of
+      irritability, he remarked to Uncle Abe that he would like to know who had
+      made this unwarrantable attack upon his financial management of the
+      affairs of the nation&mdash;that he feared that some of his subordinates
+      had got up this libel upon him, and that he would give a hundred dollars
+      to know who had done it. Uncle Abe? whose question-asking proclivities are
+      well known, said that the offer seemed liberal; "but, Mr. Chase," said he,
+      "before I shall make up my mind on this subject, will you allow me to ask
+      you one question?" "Certainly," replied the Secretary. "I merely wanted to
+      understand," said Uncle Abe, "at which end of the bird you propose to
+      pay?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Et tu Brute?'" responded the head of the Treasury department. "If I am
+      thus to be made the subject of ridicule, I must renew my application to be
+      relieved from my duties as Secretary."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "O, never mind! never mind! Mr. Secretary," said Uncle Abe, "we can soon
+      remedy all these difficulties. All we have to do, after we have suppressed
+      this rebellion, is to turn the bird end for end, and let the gold and
+      'greenbacks' remain just as they are and all will come out right." The
+      Secretary, restored to good humor, agreed not to resign unless Seward did.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "That reminds me of a little story."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0059" id="link2H_4_0059"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      "My Mary Ann."
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Many months ago the post commander at Cairo was a certain West Point
+      colonel of a Northwestern regiment, noted for his soldierly qualities and
+      rigid discipline. One day he passed by the barracks and heard a group of
+      soldiers singing the well-known street piece, "My Mary Ann." An angry
+      shade crossed his brow, and he forthwith ordered the men to be placed in
+      the guard-house, where they remained all night The next morning he visited
+      them, when one ventured to ask the cause of their confinement.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Cause enough," said the rigid colonel; "you were singing a song in
+      derision of Mrs. Colonel B&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The men replied by roars of laughter, and it was some time before the
+      choler of the Colonel could be sufficiently subdued to understand that the
+      song was an old one, and sung by half the school-boys in the land, or the
+      risibles of the men be calmed down to learn that the colonel's wife
+      rejoiced in the name of "Mary Ann."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe made the Colonel a Brigadier the moment he heard this story.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0060" id="link2H_4_0060"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Uncle Abe's Honor.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      At one time Uncle Abe aspired to a position on the bench, and Mrs.
+      Lincoln, so as to be prepared for the event, practiced the habit of
+      calling her husband "his Honor," or "your Honor," as the case might be.
+      Uncle Abe never, however, succeeded to the dignity of the ermine; but
+      attending Circuit at Chicago, and stopping at the &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;
+      Hotel, Mrs. L. accompanied her husband, as was her custom. Uncle Abe had
+      donned a bran new pair of boots, which were anything but comfortable, and
+      almost as uncertain as a pair of skates to a learner on the keenest of
+      ice. Mrs. Lincoln was enjoying herself in the parlor in a chit-chat with a
+      number of other ladies, and putting on as many airs as her provincial
+      position in Springfield would admit, when a strange, rumbling sound
+      disturbed the pleasant company, who rushed out to learn what was the
+      matter. Lo and behold! there was Uncle Abe in the undignified predicament
+      of tumbling down stairs and bumping the end of his spine upon every step.
+      The new boots, or the swig of forty-rod which he had taken in his
+      bed-room, had proved traitor to him. Mrs. Lincoln was nearly non-plussed,
+      but exclaimed in a consoling voice, "Is your Honor hurt?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "No," said Uncle Abe, sitting gracefully on the carpet, with legs spread
+      out amidst the bevy of tittering damsels, and rubbing the seat of his
+      trowsers, "No, my honor is not hurt but my&mdash;my&mdash;my head is!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0061" id="link2H_4_0061"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      "Smoke That."
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      During the session of the Legislature of Illinois, in 1836-7, the Sangamon
+      County delegation of nine members, became known as the "Long Nine," from
+      the fact of their remarkable average height. In this delegation were Uncle
+      Abe, Gen. Baker, (killed at Bull's Bluff,) N. W. Edwards, (brother-in-law
+      of Uncle Abe, and now Captain commissary,) and some others of note in
+      their day. A law had passed the previous session to remove the capital
+      from Vandalia to Springfield, to be carried out as soon as a new capitol
+      could be built. In the meantime, Gen. W. L. D. Ewing, an influential
+      Egyptian member, made periodical efforts to repeal the law and keep the
+      capital at Vandalia. During the session of 1837, we had a regular tilt
+      with the "long nine," during which, whenever Uncle Abe or Gen. Baker made
+      a point, Ewing would be saluted with the cry "smoke that!" in allusion to
+      "long nines," a popular kind of cigars used at that day. This probably
+      gave rise to saying, "put that in your pipe and smoke it."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0062" id="link2H_4_0062"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Sufficient Reason.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Some one recently asked Uncle Abe why he didn't promote merit? "Because
+      merit never helped promote me," said our Uncle Abe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0063" id="link2H_4_0063"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Boy and the Bear.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      A committee of the enemies of Mr. Chase called on the President just after
+      the Pomroy circular was sent forth and advised him to purify his cabinet
+      and let Chase go. Old Abe replied that "it is not so easy a thing to let
+      Chase go. I am situated very much as the boy was who held the bear by the
+      hind legs. I will tell you how it was. There was a very vicious bear
+      which, after being some time chased by a couple of boys, turned upon his
+      pursuers. The boldest of the two ran up and caught the bear by the hind
+      legs, while the other climbed up into a little tree, and complacently
+      witnessed the conflict going on beneath, between the bear and his
+      companion. The tussel was a sharp one, and the boy, after becoming quite
+      exhausted, cried out in alarm, 'Bill, for God's sake come down and help me
+      let this darned bear go!' Now, gentlemen," said Mr. Lincoln, "you see what
+      a fix I am in&mdash;it may be dangerous to hold on to Chase, but it will
+      require more assistance than I see at present, to help me let him go."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0064" id="link2H_4_0064"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Too Deep.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      During the Black Hawk war, when the valiant Illinoisians were in hasty
+      retreat from what they thought certain scalping, and the roads exclusively
+      bad, in fact, unfathomable mud.&mdash;In this predicament, the corps in
+      which Uncle Abe was, became somewhat scattered, when the officer
+      commanding, called out to the men to form <i>two deep</i>. "Blast me!"
+      shouted Abe from a slough, in which he was nearly buried, "I am too deep
+      already; I am up to the neck."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0065" id="link2H_4_0065"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Uncle Abe's First Speech.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      When Uncle Abe first made his appearance in the Illinois House of
+      Representatives, and was desirous of delivering his sentiments on a
+      certain measure, he rose and began:&mdash;"Mr. Speaker, <i>I conceive</i>&mdash;&mdash;"
+      but could go no further. Thrice he repeated unsuccessfully the same
+      attempt; when Douglas, who had more confidence, and had been a year longer
+      in the House, completely dumbfounded Abe by saying: "Mr. Speaker, The
+      honorable gentleman has <i>conceived three times, and brought forth
+      nothing.</i>"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0066" id="link2H_4_0066"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Cute.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      One night Uncle Abe came wet and cold to a cross road tavern in Indiana,
+      and found the fire more thoroughly blockaded with Hoosiers than mother
+      Welles has been able to blockade the Southern Confederacy. Abe ordered the
+      landlord to carry his horse a peck of catfish. "He can't eat catfish,"
+      said Boniface. "Try him," said Abe, "there's nothing like trying." The
+      crowd all rushed after the landlord to see Abe's horse eat the peck of
+      catfish. "He won't eat them, as I told you," said the landlord, on
+      returning. "Then," coolly responded Uncle Abe, who had squatted on the
+      best seat, "bring them to me and I'll eat them myself."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0067" id="link2H_4_0067"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Abe's Spelling.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Being asked by a client in Springfield why he spelled so badly in his law
+      papers, Uncle Abe replied, "Because, the Suckers are so cussed mean they
+      won't pay for good spelling."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0068" id="link2H_4_0068"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Soldier's Theory of the War.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The soldiers at Helena, in Arkansas, used to amuse the inhabitants of that
+      place, on their first arrival, by telling them yarns, of which the
+      following is a sample:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Some time ago Jeff. Davis got tired of the war and invited President
+      Lincoln to meet him on neutral ground to discuss terms of peace. They met
+      accordingly, and after a talk, concluded to settle the war by dividing the
+      territory and stopping the fighting. The North took the Northern States,
+      and the South the Gulf and seaboard Southern States. Lincoln took Texas
+      and Missouri, and Davis Kentucky and Tennessee; so that all were parcelled
+      off excepting Arkansas. Lincoln did'nt want it&mdash;Jeff, would'nt have
+      it. Neither would consent to take it, and on that they split; and the war
+      has been going on ever since."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0069" id="link2H_4_0069"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Nigger Mathematics.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe was lately visited by one of the "On to Richmond" sword of
+      Gideon gentry, who confidently expressed the hope, so common among the
+      Abolition noodles, that Lee's army would be "bagged." Uncle Abe grinned to
+      the utmost of his classic mouth, and remarked that he was afraid there
+      would be too much "nigger mathematics" in it. The visitor smiled at the
+      allusion, as he felt bound in politeness to do supposing there must be
+      something in it, though he could not see the point. "But I suppose you
+      don't know what 'nigger mathematics' is," continued Uncle Abe. "Lay down
+      your hat a minute, and I'll tell you." He, himself, resumed the sitting
+      posture leaned back in his chair, elevated his heels on the table, and
+      went on with his story. "There was a darkey in my neighborhood, called
+      Pompey, who, from a certain quickness in figuring up the prices of
+      chickens and vegetables, got the reputation of being a mathematical
+      genius. Johnson, a darkey preacher, heard of Pompey, and called to see
+      him. 'Here ye're a great mat'm'tishum, Pompey.' 'Yes sar, you jas try.'
+      'Well Pompey, Ize compound a problem in mat'matics.' 'All right, sar.'
+      'Now, Pompey, spose dere am tree pigeons sittin' on a rail fence, and you
+      fire a gun at'em and shoot one, how many's left?' 'Two, ob cooors,'
+      replies Pompey after a little wool scratching. 'Ya-ya-ya,' laughs Mr.
+      Johnson; 'I knowed you was a fool, Pompey; dere's <i>none</i> left&mdash;one's
+      dead, and d'udder two's flown away.' "That's what makes me say," continued
+      Uncle Abe, "that I am afraid there was too much nigger mathematics in the
+      Pennsylvania campaign." And the result showed that in this instance, at
+      least, the anecdote suited the fact. Lee's army was then three pigeons.
+      One of them was taken down at Gettysburg, but the other two flew off over
+      the Potomac.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0070" id="link2H_4_0070"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Long and Short of it.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      "Here I am, and here is Mrs. Lincoln, and that's the long and short of
+      it."&mdash;<i>Speech of Mr. Lincoln from the balcony of the White House at
+      Washington</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0071" id="link2H_4_0071"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Handy Faculty.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Whilst Uncle Abe was passing, in his flat-boat, a small town on the
+      Wabash, an old chum accosted him from shore thus:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Uncle Abe, are you asleep?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Why?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Because, I want to borrow some whiskey."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Then" said Abe, "<i>I am asleep.</i>"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And he rolled over drowsily on the flat-boat, and it passed on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0072" id="link2H_4_0072"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Uncle Abe on Time.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      A Methodist dominie was lecturing Abe on his love of gambling. "Ah
+      Abraham, it is a grievous sin&mdash;in the first place, consider the loss
+      of time."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Yes," replied Uncle Abe, "I have often begrudged the loss of time&mdash;in
+      <i>shuffling and dealing</i>."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0073" id="link2H_4_0073"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Story that had no Reminder.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      During a conversation which took place between Uncle Abe and a
+      distinguished western senator, the recent legislative nominations for the
+      next presidency were incidentally referred to. "Yes," said Uncle Abe,
+      nursing his leg with evident gratification&mdash;"yes senator, the current
+      seems to be setting all one way!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "It does, really, seem to be setting all one way," was the answer of the
+      senator; "but, Mr. Lincoln, as you have told me several good stories since
+      I have been here, permit me if you please, to tell <i>you</i> one. It has
+      always been observed that the Atlantic Ocean, at the Straits of Gibraltar,
+      constantly pours into the Mediterranean with tremendous volume. The
+      Bosphorus empties into it, at its other end, and rivers are seen
+      contributing to its waters all along its coast. It was for many years the
+      constant puzzle of geographers, why the Mediterranean, under all these
+      accessions, never got full, and overran its banks. After a while, however,
+      a curious fellow took the notion of dropping a plummet in the center of
+      the Straits, when, lo! he discovered that, though the tremendous body of
+      water on the surface was rushing inward from the ocean, a still more
+      powerful body was passing outward, in a counter current, some twenty feet
+      below!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Oh, ah!" said Uncle Abe, seriously, evidently nonplussed, for the first
+      time in his life; "that <i>does not</i> remind me of any story I ever
+      heard before!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0074" id="link2H_4_0074"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Has it "Gin Out?"
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      We do not know what joke Uncle Abe made when he heard the news of the
+      surrender of Plymouth. In regard to the Fort Pillow affair he made a
+      Bunsby speech, but no joke. His last joke, of which we have any knowledge,
+      occurred when Secretary Chase was starting on his trip to New York. Uncle
+      Abe is like Cromwell without his military genius, and is very fond of
+      playing practical jokes on his associates. It is said that after Cromwell
+      had signed the warrant for the execution of King Charles he turned round
+      to one of his colleagues and smeared his face with the ink. This he
+      thought capital fun. Uncle Abe's jokes are of about the same quality. When
+      Chase called upon him to say good bye, the Secretary of the Treasury asked
+      for some information about the probable end of the war, saying it would
+      help him greatly in getting more money in Wall street. "Do you want more
+      money?" asked Lincoln, and then quickly added, "What! has the printing
+      machine gin out?" This joke is fully equal to Cromwell's.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0075" id="link2H_4_0075"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Major
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      At one of Uncle Abe's levees recently, among the Company was a
+      Pennsylvania Avenue tailor whom Abe recognized but could not name. "My
+      dear Sir} I remember your face, but I forget your name," said Uncle Abe.
+      The knight of the needle whispered confidentially into Uncle Abe's ear. "I
+      made your breeches." Uncle Abe took him most affectionately by the hand
+      and exclaimed enthusiastically "Major Breeches, I am happy to meet you at
+      the White House!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0076" id="link2H_4_0076"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Dry Drop.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      A refugee from Richmond was telling Uncle Abe of the sad state of affairs
+      reigning there. Among other things he said liquor was so scarce that the
+      rebel President himself could scarcely get a drop to drink.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "He ought not to have a drop <i>to drink</i> in this world or the next,"
+      said Uncle Abe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "You are rather severe," replied the refugee.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well," said Uncle Abe, "if you think a drop would do him good, let it be
+      a drop from the scaffold."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0077" id="link2H_4_0077"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Uncle Abe as a Physiognomist.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      While the western governors were in conversation the other day, one of
+      them asked him if he remembered a certain Major of the &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;
+      Illinois regiment.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe replied that "he could'nt say that he did." The gentleman who
+      addressed him then tried to jog the executive memory a little by
+      mentioning a circumstance or two connected with the Major's history.
+      Finally Uncle Abe remembered him very well&mdash;which fact he stated in
+      the following graphic language: "O yes, I know who you mean. <i>It's that
+      turkey egg faced fellow that you'd think did'nt know as much as a last
+      year's bird's nest</i>." This was the very individual referred to. It will
+      be seen that Uncle Abe has other fortes than statesmanship&mdash;and that
+      of a physiognoist is one of them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0078" id="link2H_4_0078"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Concrete vs. the Abstract.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Dick Yates, the jolly Governor of the Suckers, tells that he called on
+      Uncle Abe one morning when he was trying to get the 88,000 "Hundredazers"
+      accepted, and that during their interview Uncle Abe remarked: "Yates, I'll
+      tell you the difference between the concrete and the abstract. When the
+      Senate passed a resolution requesting me not to appoint any more
+      Brigadiers, as the vacancies were all full, that's the concrete. But when
+      a Senator comes up here with a long petition and a longer face, requesting
+      me to make a brigadier out of some scallawag of a friend of his, as it
+      happens every day&mdash;I call that the abstract."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0079" id="link2H_4_0079"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Symptoms of Civilization.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe and his chums were wrecked and swamped once on a trip to New
+      Orleans, and having waded ashore, were in search of shelter and
+      refreshment, without much prospect of success, in a thickly timbered
+      bottom. They had traveled through the forest a long distance, and were in
+      despair of finding any human habitation, when they discovered a negro
+      hanging on the projecting limb of a tree. "The joy," said Abe, when
+      telling the adventure, "which this cheering view excited, cannot be
+      described, for it convinced us that we were in a <i>civilized country.</i>"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0080" id="link2H_4_0080"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Uncle Abe goes into Partnership.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      In the days when Uncle Abe plied the flat-boat business on the Wabash and
+      Sangamon, he made it a practice to troll for catfish and dispose of them
+      to the planters in Mississippi, when passing their plantations. This
+      brought him quite a revenue, which was always expended for "forty rod"
+      whisky, or the fish were traded off direct for that fluid chain lightning.
+      Once while passing the plantation of Mr. Percy, he was bound to have some
+      forty rod, and went ashore with a fine lot of fish. A large party were
+      assembled at the mansion of the aristocratic Percy; when Julius C�sar
+      informed him that Uncle Abe was below with some very fine fish. "Well,"
+      said Percy, "give him his forty rod as usual, and let him go."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "But sah, he won't take it dis time," said the darkey, "he wants a hundred
+      lashes on the bare back, well laid on massa." Uncle Abe insisted to the
+      surprise of every one on this strange price for his fish, and Mr. Percy to
+      humor him, complied, directing the overseer to cut him gently. When Uncle
+      Abe had received the fiftieth lash, he cried, "Hold! I have got a partner
+      in this business, to whom I have engaged to give half of whatever I should
+      get for the fish&mdash;this overseer would not admit me only on that
+      condition." O course the overseer had his share well paid, and Abe got his
+      forty-rod as usual, with something added.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0081" id="link2H_4_0081"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Abe Passing Counterfeit Money.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      One day a poor woman ran into Uncle Abe's law office in great fright
+      exclaiming:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Oh, Mr. Lincoln, my boy has swallowed a penny!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Was it a counterfeit," coolly asked Mr. Lincoln.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "No, certainly not," replied the woman, somewhat indignantly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Oh! well, then <i>it will pass</i>, of course," said Uncle Abe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is hardly necessary to add that the anxious mother went home comforted
+      and that the boy who "swallowed the penny," at the last
+      Presidentia-election voted for "Honest Old Abe."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0082" id="link2H_4_0082"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Wrong Man Poulticed.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      At the famous watering place, of the Blue Lick Springs, Uncle Abe was
+      severely afflicted with a pain in the stomach, which neither gin
+      cock-tails nor other cordials could remove. It was night and he was in
+      bed. His loving wife, unwilling to awake the domestics, descended to the
+      kitchen, and prepared mustard poultice, which she spread on her own
+      handkerchief, and proceeded with it to the distressed Uncle Abe. Before
+      leaving him, she left a light dimly burning in the apartment; but deeply
+      impressed with anxiety, she was not as careful as she might have been in
+      noting the number of her room.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Guided by a light which she saw shining in a chamber, and which she
+      supposed was the one she had left, she entered, and gently raising the bed
+      clothes, &amp;c., laid the warm poultice upon a stomach but not the
+      stomach of Uncle Abe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Hello there! What the &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash; are you about?"
+      shouted a voice of thunder, and the body and sleeves? whence it issued,
+      sprang out of bed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The lady screamed and ran; Uncle Abe rushed to the rescue from the next
+      room, the waiters joined and a small scene ensued, much to the amusement
+      of all concerned. The poulticed gentleman had indiscreetly left a light in
+      his room, and this lured the lady from her path.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe was so amused and excited by the mistake that he quite forgot
+      his pains; but early the next morning, with his wife and trunks, left for
+      Springfield, 111. The poulticed man still retains the handkerchief&mdash;a
+      beautiful cambric&mdash;with the lady's name on it, the initials of
+      Frances Amelia E. Todd.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0083" id="link2H_4_0083"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Uncle Abe as School Superintendent.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      When Uncle Abe kept grocery on the Sangamon he was elected as School
+      Superintendent out of his district. It was his duty to examine the
+      applicant teachers on mathematics; which he once did in this wise in his
+      grocery store. "If two pigs weigh twenty pounds how much will a large hog
+      weigh."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Jump into the scales," said the weilder of the birch, "and I'll soon tell
+      you."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Abe did not examine him further in mathematics.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0084" id="link2H_4_0084"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Uncle Abe's Nose.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe being asked once why he walked so crookedly? said, "Oh my nose,
+      you see, is crooked, and I have to follow it!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0085" id="link2H_4_0085"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Take Away the Fowls.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      After Uncle Abe had studied law some time and whilst travelling in the
+      Prairie country in Knox County, Illinois, he stopped at the house of Mrs.
+      Galt, an old Scotch lady whose husband was largely engaged in wool
+      growing. Abe at this time was beginning to be proud of his learning,
+      especially of his pronunciation of English. Mrs. Galt when dinner was over
+      desired the servant in waiting to take away the fowls, which she, (as is
+      sometimes done in Scotland), pronounced <i>fools</i>, "I presume, madam,
+      you mean fowls" said Abe rather sententiously. "Very well, be it so," said
+      Mrs. Galt; "take away the <i>fowls</i>, but let the <i>fool</i> remain!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0086" id="link2H_4_0086"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Uncle Abe Well Fed.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Old Whitey, Abe's school master, said to him angrily one day, "Abraham you
+      are better fed than taught!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Should think I was," said Abe, "as I feed myself and you teach me!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe says there is a good deal of the devil in the Rebels. They
+      sometimes fight like him, frequently run like him, and always lie like
+      him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0087" id="link2H_4_0087"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Man of Means.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Uncle Abe was asked by a client whether his neighbor Brown was "a man of
+      means."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well I reckon he ought to be," said Abe, "for he is just the meanest man
+      in Springfield."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0088" id="link2H_4_0088"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Call Again.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      When Uncle Abe was taken sick recently, and Mrs Lincoln had sent for the
+      doctor; Uncle Abe, having an aversion to physic, said, he had better call
+      another time, as he was too sick then to joke with him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0089" id="link2H_4_0089"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Uncle Abe Swapped when a Baby.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Abe when asked whether he could account for his excessive homeliness said
+      "when I was two months old I was the handsomest child in Kentuck, but my
+      nigger nurse swapped me off for another boy just to please a friend who
+      was going down the river whose child was rather plain looking."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0090" id="link2H_4_0090"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Hit at Antietam.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Another story of Uncle Abe, too good to be lost, has leaked out. It seems
+      he had accompanied a young lady to one of the hospitals in the capitol
+      where the sympathizing creature, as in duty bound became interested in a
+      wounded soldier. To all her inquiries as to the location of the wound,
+      however, she could only get one reply, thus: "My good fellow where were
+      you hit!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "At Antietam."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Yes, but where did the bullet strike you?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "At Antietam."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "But where did it hit you!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "At Antietam." Becoming discouraged, she deputized Uncle Abe to prosecute
+      the inquiry, which he did successfully Upon his rejoining her, she was
+      more curious than, ever, when the President, taking both her hands in his
+      said in his most impressive style. "My dear girl, the ball that hit <i>him</i>,
+      would not have injured <i>you</i>."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0091" id="link2H_4_0091"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Poor Crop.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      An old acquaintance of Uncle Abe's called upon him a short time since with
+      the view to getting hold of a contract. Uncle Abe told him that contracts
+      were not what they were in Cameron's time. "In fact," said he, "they
+      remind me now of a piece of meadow land on the Sangamon bottoms during a
+      drouth."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "How was that?" said the Sucker&mdash;"Why," said Abe, looking rather
+      quizical, "the grass was so short that they had to lather before they
+      could mow it."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0092" id="link2H_4_0092"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Handy in Case of Emergencies.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      During the fall of 1863, Uncle Abe was riding on the Virginia side of the
+      Potomac, between Arlington Heights and Alexandria, accompanied by Dr. N&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;
+      of New Jersey. Passing the huge earth-work fortifications, the Doctor
+      observed: "Mr. President, I have never yet been enabled to discover the
+      utility of constructing and maintaining those forts. What is your opinion
+      about them?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well doctor," replied Uncle Abe, "you are a medical man! and I will ask
+      you a question in the line of your profession. Can you tell me the use of
+      a man's nipples?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "No I can't" said the doctor "Well I can tell you," said Uncle Abe,&mdash;"They
+      would be mighty handy if he happened to have a child."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0093" id="link2H_4_0093"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Value of a Reputation.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      A client of Uncle Abe's was tried for stealing, in Springfield, Illinois,
+      when it was satisfactorily proven that he had acknowledged the theft to
+      several persons. Uncle Abe argued in behalf of his client that he was such
+      an abominable liar that no one could believe him and the jury ought not
+      to. The judge charged against the prisoner, but to his astonishment the
+      jury brought in a verdict that the accused was entirely unworthy of
+      belief; and he was therefore acquitted.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0094" id="link2H_4_0094"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Didn't Like the Name.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      A young U. S. Officer being indicted at Chicago, for an assault on an aged
+      gentleman, Uncle Abe began to open the case thus: "this is an indictment
+      against a soldier for assaulting an old man."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Sir," indignantly interrupted the defendant, "I am no soldier, I am an
+      officer!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I beg your pardon," said Abe, grinning blandly; "then, gentlemen of the
+      jury, this is an indictment against <i>an officer</i>, who is <i>no
+      soldier</i>, for assaulting an old man."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0095" id="link2H_4_0095"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Uncle Abe's Good Bye.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      When Uncle Abe joined the Sangamon Militia and entered on the Black Hawk
+      war campaign, his Colonel was a small snipe of a fellow about four feet
+      three inches. Physically, of course, Uncle Abe looked down upon his
+      Colonel. Abe had rather a slouching look and gait at that time, and
+      attracted by his awkward appearance, the dapper little Colonel thus
+      saluted the future Executive and manufacturer of both Colonels and
+      Brigadiers. "Come, Uncle Abe, hold up your head; higher, fellow!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Yes sir."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Higher, fellow&mdash;higher." Abe stretched his lank neck to its greatest
+      altitudinous tension and said, "What&mdash;so, Sir?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Yes, fellow, a little higher."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "And am I always to remain so?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Yes, fellow, certainly!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Then," said Uncle Abe, with a woeful countenance, "good bye, Colonel, for
+      I shall never see <i>you again!</i>"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0096" id="link2H_4_0096"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Uncle Abe's Last.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Yesterday a Western correspondent, in search for something definite in
+      relation to the fighting now going on, stepped into the White House and
+      asked the President if he had anything authentic from Gen. Grant. The
+      President stated that he had not, as Grant, was like the man that climbed
+      the pole and then pulled the pole up after him.&mdash; <i>Washington
+      Union, May 16</i>.
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 6em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 45386 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
+
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-The Project Gutenberg EBook of Lincolniana, by Andrew Adderup

-

-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with

-almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or

-re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included

-with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org

-

-

-Title: Lincolniana

-       Or The Humors of Uncle Abe

-

-Author: Andrew Adderup

-

-Release Date: April 14, 2014 [EBook #45386]

-

-Language: English

-

-Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1

-

-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LINCOLNIANA ***

-

-

-

-

-Produced by David Widger from page images generously

-provided by the Internet Archive

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-LINCOLNIANA

-

-OR THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE

-

-By ANDREW ADDERUP

-

-1864

-

-[Illustration: 0001]

-

-[Illustration: 0003]

-

-[Illustration: 0005]

-

-

-Preface

-

-Is Joe Miller "complete?" I doubt it, maugre the pretenses of

-title-pages. An old joke is sometimes like a piece of painted glass in

-a kaleidoscope--every turn gives it a new aspect, and the new view is

-sometimes taken for the original phase. Perhaps this is true of some

-herein, although I am unconscious of that being so. If the accusation be

-made, try Uncle Abe first, for he is used to trials. As for me, I shall

-plead my privilege of telling you "the tale as it was told to me." But

-if these "little jokes" be not "sworn upon" for Miller, they shall stand

-for Uncle Abe--the writer hereof claiming only a godfathership. And

-others shall follow as fast as I glean them. To aid this purpose, let

-everybody who has a "good thing" send it to the publisher of this, and

-duly it will appear in the "complete" edition of Uncle Abe's jokes,

-always excepting the last, for the act of dying over will remind him of

-some little story with a _hic jacet_ moral.

-

-ANDREW ADDERUP.

-

-Springfield, Ill., April 1, 1864.

-

-

-

-

-LINCOLNIANA; OR, THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE,

-

-

-

-An Involuntary Black Republican.

-

-Sometime after Mr. Lincoln's well remembered passage of the rebel

-Rubicon at Baltimore, some radical Republicans, who thought they saw

-some signs of the President's backwardness in vindicating the Chicago

-platform, went in committee to the White House to beg him to carry out

-his principles--or rather to stretch them in Queen Dido's style.

-

-"I don't know about it, gentlemen," replied Uncle Abe; "with a pretty

-strong opposition at home and a rebellion at the South, we'd best push

-republicanism rather slow. Fact is, I'm worse off than old blind Jack

-Loudermill was when he got married on a short courtship. Some one asked

-him a few days after, how he liked his new position. 'Dunno,' said he;

-'I went it blind to start with, and ain't had a chance to feel my way to

-a conclusion yet.' So it is with me. Perhaps you can see further than I

-can, to me the future is dark and lowering; and we have now got to feel

-every step of our way forward. Making Republicans used to be hard work,

-and I don't see as I could do much at it now, unless I proselyte by

-giving fat offices to weak-kneed opponents; but that," continued

-Uncle Abe, with a sly look toward several of his old Illinois friends,

-"would'nt be quite fair to those who believe that 'to the victors belong

-the spoils.' Your idea about pushing things reminds me of the first

-_black_ Republican I ever made."

-

-And the President threw his left leg over his right and subsided into

-that air of _abandon_ which denotes his pregnancy of a good story.

-

-"You see, gentlemen," he began, "in my boyhood days, I had a slim chance

-for schooling, and did'nt improve what I did have. Occasionally a Yankee

-would wander into Kentuck, and open a school in the log building that

-was a church and school house as well, and keep it till he got starved

-out or heard of a better location. One Fall a bald headed, sour-visaged

-old man came along and opened the school, and my people concluded I must

-go; as usual the big boys soon began to test the master, who, though he

-was a patient Jeffersonian Republican, seemed very tyrannical to us. My

-good nature singled me out soon, as the scapegoat of the school, and I

-got more than my share of the birch: at least, my back was as good as an

-almanac, for every day of the week was recorded there. But, though this

-record of past time was no pastime to me, I could stand it better than I

-could the taunts and jibes of the boys out of school.

-

-"One morning when a half dozen of us were warming before the broad

-logwood fire, I noted a big fellow (who had got me flogged the day

-before) standing on the side opposite, his back to the blaze: both hands

-were partially open, one laid in the other; some would lay it to the

-devil, but it was only the spirit of revenge which prompted me to pick

-up a live coal, covered with ashes, and drop it into his hands. For a

-moment he did'nt mind it, but it burned all the deeper; when it did burn

-he jumped and bellowed like a stuck calf.

-

-"'Who made that noise?' Demanded old Whitey? the master.

-

-"'I made it,' replied the big fellow, rubbing his hands.

-

-"'Why?' more angrily demanded old Whitey.

-

-"'Some one put a coal of fire in my hand and burnt me,' sniffled the

-booby.

-

-"The big fellow, however, didn't know who did it. Some of the boys, who

-had a lurking pity for me, said it snapt into his hand; but the master

-'couldn't see it;' and at last it leaked out that 'Abe Lincoln done it.'

-

-"So you see, gentlemen," said Uncle Abe, moralizing, "I got the blame of

-a long score of supposititious shortcomings by one act of my own, pretty

-much as I had to bear the sins of my whole party in the late canvass,

-because of a few sins of my own."

-

-"'Abraham, come up here!' thundered the master, (By the way, gentlemen,

-my people always called me Abe--my wife still calls me plain Abe--but

-that old fellow called me _Abraham_ so often and so severely that I

-early dropped all claim to a definite appellative, and chose to be

-indefinitely 'A. Lincoln.') * But to go on. I got a deserved threshing

-that time, and a reputation withal for wickedness that saved all the

-little rogues in school. At last, however, I determined to be even with

-old Whitey, somehow.

-

-"It wasn't long till I worked out an idea. Just over the master's desk

-was a rude shelf, upon which he kept some books and a big-bellied bottle

-of ink, which some admirer of his Jeffersonian-Republican principles had

-presented him. I had observed that in stepping upon his desk platform,

-he never touched or moved his chair, beyond leaning back in it, which

-he always did, after taking his seat. So next day I robbed our old

-long-tailed white horse of a few hairs and braided them in a three

-stranded cord. While the master was gone out to his dinner, I put the

-thin glass ink bottle upon the edge of the shelf propped a-cant, and

-tied one end of the cord to the bottle, and the other end to the back

-of his chair. The boys sympathized with me, and were in an extacy of

-delight. Anon the master came. Without looking to the right or left, he

-marched sternly to the chair, and hence saw not the repressed titter of

-expectation that was ready to burst over the whole room. I stood just

-outside of the door expecting the result; he sat down and then leaned

-back. Down came the bottle, deluging the bald head in a shower

-of Stygian blackness! Yes, gentlemen, I fancy that was the first

-_black_ Republican ever made in Kentuck, but the conversion was too

-sudden."

-

-"How was that?" queried Cassius M. Clay.

-

-"Why," replied Uncle Abe, "he afterwards married a widow and----twelve

-negroes."

-

-     * When Mr. Lincoln was nominated, very many papers ran up

-     the name of "Abram Lincoln."

-

-

-

-

-The Wrong Pig by the Ear.

-

-I never knew a flash phrase worse used up than was one by Uncle Abe

-attending one of the neighboring Circuit Courts above Springfield. He

-was employed to aid a young County Attorney to prosecute some reputed

-hog thieves. The crime of hog stealing had become so common that the

-people were considerably excited and an example was determined on. The

-first person tried was acquitted on a pretty clear _alibi_ or pretty

-hard swearing. As the fellow thus acquitted was lounging round the Court

-House, Uncle Abe was passing, and he hailed him.

-

-"Well Mr. Lincoln, I reckon you got the wrong sow by the ear when you

-undertook to pen me up."

-

-"So it seems," replied Uncle Abe, blandly, "but really you must excuse

-me, pigs are so very much alike! In fact, people up here don't all seem

-to know their own."

-

-

-

-

-"Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln Live."

-

-In "Clay times," as the old farmers of Sangamon still recall the period

-of Henry Clay's powerful canvass for the Presidency, Uncle Abe had a

-wide circuit practice. In travelling to the various courts, he generally

-drove a horse and vehicle that some people will still remember. The

-horse had belonged to an undertaker, and the "funeral business,"

-together with years, had made him a grave and staid animal. His

-_physique_ presented those angularities that characterized his master,

-but unlike his owner, he was never known to perpetrate a joke or indulge

-in a "horselaugh." The vehicle was neither buggy, nor Jersey wagon,

-but had become, by virtue of alterations and repairs, what Uncle Abe

-afterwards described the Union under the plan of free and Slave States

-"neither one thing or the other." There was in fact an "eternal

-fitness" in horse and man that was not exactly a "standing joke," but a

-peripatetic one.

-

-I would give all my expectation of a brigadiership for a portrait of

-Uncle Abe seated in this strange "turnout," as he "might have been seen"

-wending his meditative way across the prairies.

-

-About this time Uncle Abe was nominated for Congress in the Sangamon.

-Yet he did not forego his business, but prosecuted his legal course, as

-well as all evil-doers who chanced to fall into his hands. He had

-just started on a circuit trip, to be gone a month. Often, since Mr.

-Lincoln's nomination for Congress, had Mrs. Lincoln begged him to add

-a second story to their humble dwelling, but he pleaded poverty. But a

-relation of Mrs. Lincoln's having died in Kentucky leaving her a

-small legacy, she determined her husband should have a house worthy a

-candidate for Congress. Doubtless she felt an inward satisfaction at the

-thought of furnishing a good surprise for her husband on his return. So

-she at once bought material, set mechanics at work, and in three weeks

-metamorphosed the dwelling into what political pilgrims to Springfield

-in 1860 will remember as a neat, two-story, clay-colored residence.

-

-Uncle Abe arrived home just after dark, and drove up to what he thought

-to be Eighth street, but not seeing his house, and thinking he had made

-a mistake, he drove round on to the next street. Recognizing the houses

-there; he again drove around to Eighth, and, passing his own house,

-recognized that occupied by W------n, a clever tailor, who was standing

-at his own gate.

-

-"Why, is that you, Wilkie?" (said Uncle Abe patronizingly.) W------n,

-assured him of his own identity, "Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln

-live now."

-

-"Well," said W------n, "The Loco's say he's so sure of his election that

-he's gone to Washington to select his seat; but Mrs. Lincoln lives now

-in that beautiful new two-story house you have just passed." Uncle Abe

-indulged in a quaint laugh, and then turned his ancient horse around,

-alighted and asked if Mrs. Lincoln lived in the house before which he

-stood. Mrs. Lincoln received him as a fond woman should receive her

-lord, and the return was the cause of much pleasant badinage in social

-circles.

-

-

-

-

-Too Literal Obedience.

-

-Gen. McClellan was complaining to Uncle Abe of one of his division

-commanders, who had literally obeyed an order publicly given for the

-purpose of hood-winking the rebels through the aid of the numerous

-undetected spies known to lurk in the camp as well as the capital.

-

-"That reminds me of a little story--a little thing that happened to me

-when I was out in the Black Hawk war," said Uncle Abe.

-

-"You see, after we brought the Foxes to terms, they were as sweet as

-wild honey. The women especially tried to make a good thing out of the

-defeat of their braves, by selling us moccasins, deerskin breeches, &c.

-One squaw in particular, made beautiful breeches, and I concluded to

-have a pair made. How she was to fit my spindles, puzzled me at first,

-as the Indians are no tailors in any _measurable_ degree. At last I

-bethought me of an old pair which I had in my saddle bag, and these I

-gave to her that she might rip them open and use the parts for patterns.

-When she brought the new ones home, I was not a little angry to find

-that she had exactly imitated the old patch on the nether parts of the

-new breeches."

-

-Little Mac smiled in his peculiar grave way, and remarked that when he

-gave an order for a similar purpose, he would tell this story by way of

-a hint.

-

-

-

-

-How Uncle Abe Felt.

-

-Soon after Uncle Abe's defeat by Judge Douglas in 1848, (whereby Douglas

-unwittingly made a President) some one asked Uncle Abe how he felt over

-the result.

-

-"Well," said he, "I feel a good deal like a big boy I knew in Kentuck.

-After he'd got a terrible pounding by the school master, someone asked

-him how he felt? 'Oh! said he, it hurt so awful bad, I couldn't laugh,

-and I was too big to cry over it.' That's just my case."

-

-It is presumed the questioner got an idea how a defeated politician

-feels.

-

-

-

-

-P.P.P.

-

-Soon after the advent of Uncle Abe at the White House, the pressure of

-aspirants for official positions was perfectly crushing.

-

-In fact, Uncle Abe sometimes got so flustered by their bedevilment, that

-he not only failed to recollect an illustrating anecdote, but soon lost

-his temper.

-

-One of the Illinois applicants--a fellow named Jeff.

-

-D------r, was particularly a bore, seeming to think it part of the

-Chicago platform to give every village politician an office.

-

-"Seems to me, Jeff," said Uncle Abe, "you got the Chicago platform

-reduced to enormous brevity--in fact, just three p's would seem to

-express your idea of it."

-

-"How's that, Mr. Lincoln?" inquired-Jeff.

-

-"Why, it looks to me as if it was patriotism, place and plunder, and a

-mighty important plea is the last one, I reckon."

-

-Jeff was silent for a while, but bored on until he "struck ile" in the

-shape-of a clerkship.

-

-

-

-

-Rattaned for a Rat Joke.

-

-Just after the retreat of the rebels from Bull Run, when it leaked

-out that our troops had been held at bay by wooden or Quaker guns, a

-Pennsylvanian Congressman remarked to Uncle Abe--"Well, Mr. Lincoln, you

-see that Quaker principles even embodied in wood may be of some service

-in war."

-

-"Yes, but as you see in that shape, they are only substituted

-principles; such things may do once, but found out, they will avail

-worse than nothing. Your remark, however, 'reminds me of a little

-story.'

-

-"When I was a youngster of fifteen or so, I went to an 'Academy' for a

-few weeks, just to brush up my old-field school learning. Such schools

-are called Academies in the East, to distinguish their intermediate

-position between colleges and common schools; but in Kentuck and

-the West, generally the high sounding title merely meant that the

-'principal' taught a few branches ahead of the old-field schools. Well,

-the rats were thick about the old building where we daily gathered

-to reap the fruit of knowledge; and as many of the boys brought their

-dinners and threw the fragments under their old-fashioned box desks,

-they soon grew as bold as they were thick. The teacher had a mortal

-antipathy to rats, and as I didn't 'take' to the teacher, I naturally

-encouraged the rats. Whenever one showed himself, he was sure to get a

-whack from the old teacher's rattan. Sometimes he missed his aim at the

-rats, but never at us boys, which was owing, perhaps, to the difference

-in the size of the game.

-

-"An industrious rat had made a hole from beneath the floor up under my

-desk, and thence out through the end, and as I fed him well he was quite

-tame. Often during school hours he would come up and peer out into the

-aisles through his hole in the end of the desk, and whenever he was seen

-by the teacher, he was sure to see the rattan whirling in the air. An

-idea struck me one day. I got a dead rat--I did not like to kill my

-pet--and stuffing it, made quite a good-looking 'Quaker' rat. Then I

-fixed some springs so I could work my rat out and in at pleasure; so

-whenever the teacher was looking up, my rat was always out; but when

-the whack came down, he was in betimes. At last he seemed to think it

-wondrous tame, and the ill-suppressed titter of the school boys finally

-made him suspicious. The boys had been let into my secret, and relished

-it hugely, and I was too prone to give a few exhibitions. At last the

-teacher watched me sharper than he did the rat, and then caught me in

-the act. He got hold of the rat and beat me alternately with rat and

-switch, and you may well guess, I was well rattaned. If soldiers who use

-wooden guns ever get worse usage, I pity them."

-

-The 300 Pounder Parrot since used by the Government, shows Uncle Abe's

-poor appreciation of Quaker guns and Quaker principles.

-

-

-

-

-The State House Struck by Whiggery.

-

-Soon after the State House at Springfield was erected, in 1840, Mr.

-Lincoln stood on the east side of the Capitol Square one day, in

-conversation with a Democratic friend, who was loth to believe that the

-Whigs could carry the State for "Tip and Ty."

-

-"Nothing is more morally certain," said Uncle Abe. "All the signs of

-the times point to it, and--why even the State House is struck with

-Whiggery" he said, pointing up under the eves, where is yet seen a

-remarkable representation of a "coon" in the stone.

-

-

-

-

-Graphic and True.

-

-When Hon. Emerson Etheridge escaped from Tennessee during the summer

-of 1862, his opinions on Tennessee affairs were eagerly listened to in

-Washington. Among other questions, Uncle Abe asked:

-

-"Do the Methodist clergy in your State take to secession?"

-

-"Take? Why, sir, they take to it like a duck to water, or a sailor to a

-duff kid."

-

-

-

-

-A Judge of the Post Office.

-

-Judge David Davis of Bloomington, Illinois, who was recently appointed

-(by Uncle Abe) to a position on the bench of the Supreme Court of

-the United States, is known to many of his friends as one of the best

-hearted men in the world. His, is withal, full of the piety of good

-humor. I call it "piety," because I think a smiling face is a perpetual

-thanksgiving to God. His benevolence, however, edges down his wit, and

-gives it more the characteristic of humor, strictly speaking. This,

-while it may have helped that "belly with fat capon lined," has kept him

-at peace with himself and the world.

-

-On one occasion, while Judge Davis was presiding at the Logan County

-Circuit Court, a case came up that involved a question of postal law.

-Uncle Abe was on the case, and politely loaned Judge D. a small manual

-of postal law, that he might see for himself what the letter of the

-law was. The Judge gave his understanding of the law, but had hardly

-finished when Mr. S------s, a burley farmer from Clear Creek, jumped up

-and sang out--

-

-"I reckon that ain't so, Judge. I've been Post-Master more'n a dozen

-years, and I reckon I ought to know what's Post Office law."

-

-Of course Judge Davis had every right to fine the man for contempt, but

-he had a different way of treating such cases. "With a tone in which

-sarcasm only slightly blended, he said:

-

-"Truly, I think you ought, Mr. S------s. It has never been my privilege

-to be a Post-Master, and I would like your opinion in this case. Please

-step this way."

-

-The Judge moved over and made room on the bench, which Mr. S------s

-occupied, and proceeded to give _his_ opinion on the mooted question.

-The bar sat smiling in expectation.

-

-"Keep your seat, Mr. S------s, while I speak a word with my friend

-Parks."

-

-Uncle Abe it was who had been interrupted, so he resumed:

-

-"May it please the Court, I had some doubt on this point myself, so

-I borrowed the usual manual of Postal Law, to be perfectly assured.

-I regret to contend that the clear letter of the law conflicts--sadly

-conflicts--with the view just taken by Judge S------s;" but here the bar

-indulged in a quiet "smile" without a stick in it, and it just popped

-into Mr. S------'s head, that he was out of place, and he skedaddled in

-haste.

-

-"The largest _pussie_ Judge that sat on our bench," remarked Will Wyatt.

-From that day to this, Mr. S------s, has never lost the title he so

-suddenly gained.

-

-

-

-

-I'm an Inderlid.

-

-One day while Uncle Abe was attending to a case at Mount Pulaski, (the

-country seat of Logan County, Illinois,) he was beset by old B------s,

-a worthy farmer, but a notorious malaprop, for an opinion as to his

-amenability to the road tax. "You look here, Mr. Lincoln, these fellows

-here want to make me work on the road."

-

-"Well!" said Uncle Abe.

-

-"Well, I tells them that they can't do it, cause I'm an _inderlid_, you

-see."

-

-(Of course Uncle Abe concurred in B------s opinion, and forgot to charge

-a fee.)

-

-"On another occasion, he wanted John G. Gillette, the great cattle

-dealer, to _proximate_ him because he'd got the best pair of cattle

-scales in Logan County."

-

-

-

-

-How Uncle Abe got his Sobriquet.

-

-Some one ventured to ask Uncle Abe, soon after his arrival at the White

-House, how he got the sobriquet of "Honest Abe."

-

-"Oh," said he, "I suppose my case was pretty much like that of a country

-merchant I once read of. Some one called him a 'little rascal.' 'Thank

-you for the compliment,' said he. 'Why so?' asked the stigmatizer.

-'Because that title distinguishes me from my fellow tradesmen, who are

-all _great_ rascals.'"

-

-"So honest lawyers were so scarce in Illinois that you were thus

-distinguished from them?" persisted the questioner.

-

-"Well," quoth Uncle Abe, glancing slyly at Douglas, Sweet, and others

-from Illinois, "it's hard to say where the honest ones are."

-

-

-

-

-"I'll take Number Eleven too."

-

-Thirty-five or forty years ago, a trip from Sangamon or Macon County, to

-St. Louis, was an event to be talked of. It took as long to make it, and

-furnished food for as much rustic enquiry and comment, as does a voyage

-to Europe now. Uncle Abe had then given up rail-splitting, and was

-studying law. Having a little while before treated himself to a (then)

-rare thing, a suit of "store clothes;" and a neighbor being about to

-leave for St. Louis, he resolved to go along. As the teams toiled on at

-the rate of fifteen or twenty miles a day, they were gradually joined by

-others, till the train presented somewhat the sights now to be seen on

-our great overland routes to the Pacific.

-

-On arrival at St. Louis, Abe determined to see high life, and

-accordingly made tracks for a letter A. No. 1, first class Hotel.

-The Old City Hotel was then the only house that could claim that

-distinction. There the merchants congregated, and there the Indian

-trader sought relaxation from frontier hardships, while the rough

-trapper was content with the humble fare of the "Hunter's Home."

-

-I forget what association called out this reminiscence of that trip; but

-there can be no harm in repeating the story. Such mishaps have befallen

-incipient greatness before.

-

-At the dinner table, each waiter was provided with a wine card, and each

-guest had his wine charged to the number of his room, simply calling

-out, as for instance, Sherry No. 9, &c. A jolly Indian trader, sat just

-opposite Abe, who betimes called "Claret, No 11." Abe saw that most of

-the guests were similarly providing for themselves, and concluded not to

-appear penurious, so he said he'd take some wine too.

-

-"What kind, sah?" asked the waiter.

-

-"Oh, I'll take the same,"--pointing to the bottle just called for by the

-Indian trader.

-

-"What number, sah?"

-

-Abe was puzzled. Ho had not been used to wine or hotel life; but it was

-only a moment before he broke the ice.

-

-"Oh, I'll just take No. 11 too."

-

-The trader looked up surprised, while several others near by, smiled a

-faint comprehension as to the state of affairs.

-

-"Why, young man," said the trader, "that is my number, and mine is a

-single room."

-

-"I beg pardon," stammered Abe, conscious that he had betrayed rusticity

-and ignorance; but not knowing exactly how to extricate himself, the

-good-hearted trader came to his aid--

-

-"Were you ever in the city before?" asked he.

-

-"Never before."

-

-"Well, then, in memory of your advent, it shall be No. 11 too," and he

-quietly pushed the bottle across the table. So agreeable was he that

-Abe rallied, and the second bottle followed the fate of the first. On

-renewing the conversation after dinner, the trader was satisfied that

-Abe had 'lots' of 'horse sense,' but little of worldly experience,

-and he friendlily invited him to go out with him as a clerk; but, Abe

-declined. Had he gone--what? Perhaps he might have become a respectable

-Indian trader--perhaps he never had been elected President, and perhaps

-we would have had no rebellion.

-

-

-

-

-A Severe Retort.

-

-Uncle Abe took a great liking to the late Col. Ellsworth, and afterwards

-did him the honor of making a Colonel of him. The rebel Jackson did

-the rest, but enough of that. Many of our readers will recall the

-slim, spruce figure of Col. Ellsworth as he paraded the streets

-of Springfield, dressed in a unique Zouave uniform, a mere boy in

-appearance. He was full of animal spirits. He and Bob O'Lincoln were

-cutting up didoes in the Law office of Lincoln and Hornden, which

-greatly annoyed Uncle Abe, and he gently reproved them. Bob, a little

-nettled, replied by quoting the common couplet:

-

-``"A little nonsense now and then,

-

-``Is relished by the wisest men."

-

-"Yes," said Uncle Abe, looking severely at Bob, "that's the difference

-between a wise man and a fool who relishes it all the time."

-

-Bob subsided, and Ellsworth betook himself anew to Blackstone.

-

-

-

-

-Had all the Time there Was.

-

-When Uncle Abe used to attend the Courts in the regions round about

-Sangamon, he generally made easy stays, and was wont to look at the

-country and talk to the people at his leisure. On one occasion he

-was riding by the premises of old H------, who was notorious for his

-unthriftiness, and who was in the act of driving some stray hogs out of

-his corn-field.

-

-"Good morning, Mr. H------," said Uncle Abe.

-

-"Morning, Mr. Lincoln, morning."

-

-"Why don't you mend that piece of fence thoroughly, Mr. H------, and

-keep the pigs out?" asked Uncle Abe.

-

-"Ha'n't got time," said H------.

-

-"Why," said Uncle Abe, with an air of blended reproof and humor, "you've

-got all the time there is Mr. H------."

-

-Whether H------ mended his fence and his thriftless habits, this

-deponent knoweth not; but has often thought how true was the remark,

-whether as a joke or an admonition. Every second, minute or hour is

-ours--ours to use or ours to squander. How wontonly wasteful would be

-the rich man who should stand upon a vessel's deck and cast his million

-golden coins into the sea; yet day after day we stand upon the shores of

-eternity, and cast the golden moments into the unreturning past. All the

-knowledge and wealth of the world is but the result of improved time. So

-don't say you "havn't got time," for you've got all there is, as Uncle

-Abe says.

-

-

-

-

-Could Stand it a Day or Two,

-

-About the time this occurred, there stood on one side of Capitol Square,

-in Springfield, a Hotel, now doubtless out of memory of most of the

-occupants of the out-lots and additions which speculators have hitched

-to the original village. In its day it was a "first-class hotel," but

-it waned before the "American" and is now among the "things that were."

-There were some who doubted the cleanliness of the _cuisine_, and

-"thereby hangs a tale."

-

-Judge Brown arrived in town and put up at the aforesaid hotel, whereat,

-Uncle Abe, on meeting him, expressed his regret, begging him to become

-_his_ guest. The Judge would fain not trouble his friend.

-

-"But you know the reputation of the place--the kitchen?" said Uncle Abe.

-

-"I've heard of it," said the Judge; "but as I want to keep my appetite,

-I always shun the kitchen, if not the cooks."

-

-"But surely, can't you see by the table alone, Judge?"

-

-"I know, Mr. Lincoln, but I'm going to stop only a day or two, and I

-guess I can stand for that time what the landlord's family stand all

-their lives."

-

-Speaking of Hotels, reminds me of a little episode of one of Uncle

-Abe's professional visits to Cairo, in Egypt, a town fenced in with

-mud-banks and celebrated for its mud-holes and mean whisky. Thereabouts

-is a Hotel, and thereat Uncle Abe stopped because the water forbade

-further traveling. When his bill was presented to him next morning,

-he ventured to remark, "that his accommodation had not been of the most

-agreeable kind."

-

-"We are very much crowded," apologetically replied the landlord.

-

-"But I had hard work to get breakfast this morning."

-

-"Yes," continued the apologist, "we are greatly in need of help."

-

-"Well, well," said Uncle Abe, "you keep a first rate hotel in one

-respect."

-

-"Ah!" said the landlord, brightening up, "in what respect is that?"

-

-"Your bills," said Undo Abe, vanishing towards the "Central" cars.

-

-The Ky-ro-ite landlord perhaps thought he ought to be well compensated

-for keeping a hotel in such a place. A man of his sort used to "keep

-tavern" in Pasy County, Indiana, several years ago. A pedestrian stopped

-with him over night, for which the charge was 2.50.

-

-"Why, landlord," said he, "this is an outrageous bill."

-

-"You mean it's a big'un?" said the insatiate Boniface.

-

-"Yes, I do."

-

-"Well, stranger, we keep tavern here."

-

-"What has that to do with such a bill?"

-

-"Look at that'ere sign, stranger--cost ten dollars; your'n the fust

-trav'ler that's bin along for three weeks, and we can't afford to keep

-tavern for nothin--_we_ can't!"

-

-

-

-

-Not the Worst of it.

-

-Gov. Morgan, of New York, was urging the employment of General W------in

-active service, Seward objected, that he was "too old" for the emergency

-of the times.

-

-"Yes," said Uncle Abe, "we've got too many old officers in the army, and

-that is not the worst of it--_we've got two many old women_ there!" This

-was when Uncle Abe's faith was strong in little Mac.

-

-"Some conclusions;" said Uncle Abe on one occasion, "are nonsequential.

-To say that Rome was not built in a day, does not prove that it was

-built in a night."

-

-

-

-

-Accoutred en Militaire.

-

-In the outset of the famous Black-hawk war in Illinois, a "hoss company"

-was raised in the region where Uncle Abe was (then) a rising lawyer.

-I say rising, although he had then reached a height sufficient to

-help himself to most blessings--and he, the aforesaid U.A., was chosen

-Captain. Uncle Abe rode a "slapping stallion," who was either naturally

-restive, or appreciated his new honor too highly--at any rate, he

-corvetted and pirouetted like a very Bucephalus. At last he unhorsed

-his rider, who landed sprawling on the prairie in one of those green

-excrescences that abound where bovine herds range. As the discomfitted

-Uncle Abe rose, and surveyed his predicament, old Pierre Menard, who was

-a near spectator, remarked in his broken French:

-

-"Vell, I nevair sees any man accoutred en militaire like zat before."

-

-Most old suckers pronounce accoutred as the Yankees do the word

-cowcumber, and this rendered Menard's joke more unctious.

-

-

-

-

-Perils of Illinois Lawyers.

-

-Years ago, when the capital of Suckerdom was a village of less

-"magnificence" than it now presents--when Lincoln, Harden, Baker,

-McDougal, Douglas, Shields and Ferguson were all village lawyers, and

-scarcely known to fame--Judge Thomas Brown was on the Supreme bench

-of the State. He was to some extent a "character;" but not a very

-successful lawyer. He went to California, since when he has been

-generally lost sight of; but his old friends may be assured that if he

-is in the "land of the living," Uncle Abe's tax collectors will find

-him. But that's neither here nor there. His ideas of the perils of

-practicing law in Illinois, in early times, is what is now before the

-reader.

-

-On one occasion, after he had changed his residence to Peoria, having

-some business to transact in Springfield, he arrived in that place and

-put up at the old American House, (now kept by Henry Bidgely, Esq.)

-He chanced to mention the name of Peoria. Instantly the attention of a

-countryman was fixed, upon him, who, at the first opportunity accosted

-him--

-

-"From Peoria, Squar?"

-

-"Yes."

-

-"Much acquainted?"

-

-"Pretty well, Sir."

-

-"Know a lawyer up there named H------g R------s?"

-

-"Yes sir."

-

-"How's he getting along?"

-

-"Oh, first rate--devilish lucky man."

-

-"He's getting hold of considerable land, hain't he?"

-

-"Yes a deal--devilish lucky man.

-

-"Yes--large--devilish lucky man."

-

-"Look here, Squar," said the countryman, evidently puzzled at R------s

-being so devilish lucky.

-

-"What do you mean about his being so lucky?"

-

-"Mean? why I call any man lucky that practices law twenty years in

-Illinoiss, and don't get into the penitentiary."

-

-

-

-

-Couldn't Make a Presidential Chair.

-

-"Mr. Lincoln," said an ardent sovereignty man just at the beginning of

-the last Presidential contest "Mr. Douglas is a cabinet maker."

-

-"He _was_ when I first knew him," said Uncle Abe "but he gave up the

-business so long ago, that I don't think he can make a Presidential

-chair now." Uncle Abe proved himself a prophet, although at a tremendous

-cost to the country.

-

-

-

-

-"Couldn't see It in that Light."

-

-A delegation of temperance men recently sought to influence Uncle Abe to

-take some stringent steps to suppress intemperance in our armies. Among

-other reasons urged, they said our armies were often beaten because of

-intemperance.

-

-"Is that so?" said Undo Abe. "I've heard on all sides that the rebels

-drink more than our boys do, and I can't see why our boys, who drink

-less, are more liable to get whipped."

-

-"But you know the corrupting influence of the army in regard to drinking

-habits," pursued the Committee.

-

-"I've heard that, too," said Uncle Abe, "but I think they will do pretty

-well _if I can keep them out of Washington!_"

-

-The Committee didn't carry their measure, by a jug full.

-

-

-

-

-Too Tough for the Rebels.

-

-When the Illinois boys gathered at Springfield, under the call of the

-ten regiment bill, they were quartered on the fair grounds, just out

-of the city. All the stalls were filled with troops, before which were

-signs as "St. Nicholas," "Richmond House," etc., etc. Charley W------,

-on going through the fair grounds, looked into the "Richmond House," and

-said--

-

-"Well, boys, how do you get along?"

-

-"Oh, first rate," replied the Chicagoians, "we're all _stall fed_."

-

-"Bully for you," said Charley; "hope you'll be too tough for the

-rebels."

-

-

-

-

-Little Mac Helped by an Illustration.

-

-"I can't seem to reap any advantage from the rebel movements," said

-McClellan, in consultation with Uncle Abe.

-

-"Oh, you just keep a watchful, careful eye on Leer and perhaps you will

-yet see how to make use of them, as old Mother Grundy did of her crooked

-wood."

-

-"Thereby hangs a tale," remarked little Mac, with one of his peculiar,

-quaint smiles.

-

-"You're right, General. Your remark reminded me of a good old

-neighbor of my father's, in Kentucky, who died many years ago. She was

-sweet-tempered--few such in this world." Uncle Abe stopped as though a

-mental comparison had damaged some woman of his acquaintance. "Yes, her

-disposition was of that kind that extracts 'good from things evil.' And

-she was her husband's pride and boast. One day he was praising her to a

-neighbor."

-

-"'Look here, old man Grundy,' said the neighbor 'these women are just

-like cats--they are all right as long as you stroke the fur the right

-way, but reverse the movement, and you'll see the fire fly. Now, I'll

-tell you what, I bet a four-gallon keg of my four-year-old peach, that I

-can tell you how to make her as mad as a set-hen, if you dare to try."

-

-"'Done,' cried old man Grundy.

-

-"'Well, you just haul home all the crookedest sticks of wood you can

-find, and then see.'

-

-"Old man Grundy brought home a small load every day or two, and it was

-knotty and crooked as a pigs-tail; but not a word or look of complaint.

-For a week this continued, with the same result, when he asked the good

-wife how she liked the wood."

-

-"'Oh,'tis beautiful wood,' said she; 'it burns finely, and then it fits

-_around my pots and kettles just, as if 'twas made on purpose_.'"

-

-Lee did not fit into Mac's hand so well, yet the story was not without

-its use to him.

-

-

-

-

-An Acre of Fight.

-

-During the progress of the Senatorial campaign between Douglas and

-Lincoln, Uncle Abe came home to recreate a few days. Douglas, long used

-to the political arena, bore the fatigues of the canvass like a veteran.

-His custom was to bathe just after supper, getting some friend to rub

-him like a race horse, when he would sit down and enjoy his whisky

-and cigar. Lincoln, lank and abstemious, bore his yoke with evident

-weariness. But to the story.

-

-Uncle Abe went up into the Governor's room in the State House, where he

-was soon joined by many of the leading Republicans of the town. Some one

-remarked on his look of weariness. "It is a mighty contest," remarked

-Uncle Jesse Du Bois.

-

-"But Mr. Lincoln does not show his great appreciation of it upon the

-stand," remarked a Chicago correspondent, in allusion to Uncle Abe's

-good humored replies to Douglas.

-

-"But still, when the day's gladiatorial combat is over, it seems to

-me, as the Kentucky fellow said, that I had been through 'an acre of

-fight.'"

-

-"Give us that story, Abe," said Dr. Wallace, Uncle Abe's brother-in-law.

-

-"Well, one of my earliest recollections of a Kentucky Court, was a trial

-about a fight. It took place in the Court House grounds, and the Judge,

-thinking it constructable as a contempt of Court, sent out the Sheriff,

-and had the parties quickly brought before him. Both had bruised noses

-and beavers, and showed the unmistakable evidence of having been in

-a scrimage. The witnesses were numerous, and the evidence was so

-conflicting, that the Judge declared he could legally reach no other

-conclusion than that there had _been no fight at all_. But the Sheriff

-ventured to suggest:

-

-"Here's Jim Blowers--he had hold on one of them fellers, when I arrested

-them."

-

-"Mr. Clerk," said the Judge, "you will at once swear Mr. Blowers."

-

-"Now, Mr. Blowers," said the Clerk, "you will please tell the Court what

-you know about this affair."

-

-"Well, ax on."

-

-"Well, was there a fight between these parties?"

-

-"Just a bit of scrimage."

-

-"It was a real fight, was it?"

-

-"Well, some people would call it that."

-

-"How much of a fight was it?"

-

-"Oh, considerable--they pulled and hauled about kinder like two cows

-when they lock horns."

-

-"But, tell the Court more precisely?"

-

-"Well, I should say it was a right smart fight."

-

-"But _how_ much of a fight?"

-

-"Well, then, just about an acre, I reckon."

-

-It is needless to say that the crowd enjoyed the joke hugely.

-

-"It is easier to pay a small debt than a larger one."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Believes in the Intelligence of Oysters.

-

-In the year 1860 or thereabouts, when a great patent case was being

-tried in Chicago, and champagne and oysters were the favorite viands

-served nightly to Counsel and Jurors after the adjournment of Court, it

-happened that one Ed. D------n, a young patent lawyer from New York, was

-present on one of those occasions. Now, Ned is terribly afflicted with a

-determination of words to the mouth, and managed to monopolize the whole

-conversation. Ned had a speech to make upon everything, and kept buzzing

-around like a musquito, dipping his bill into everything animate or

-inanimate, no matter which. At last he began to officiate at serving out

-the oysters, and with ladle in hand, said in his usual stilted style,

-"I wonder whether this bivalve, this seemingly obtuse oyster, is endowed

-with any degree of intelligence." Uncle Abe looked at the puppy, who, by

-the way, had prevented him cracking a single one of his favorite jokes

-for the entire evening, and quaintly remarked, that "he was satisfied

-that an oyster knew when to shut up, and that was more than some

-New York lawyers knew." Ned has never propounded the query as to the

-intellect of oysters since.

-

-

-

-

-An Egyptian Snake Story

-

-The last county made in Illinois--I don't mean by the Legislature, but

-by Nature, and where dirt was so short that it lies under water part of

-the year--is called Alexander, and used to boast two rival towns, both

-thoroughly Egyptian in their nomenclative association--Cairo and Thebes.

-Twenty years ago Thebes was the "seat of justice;" but Cairo was then

-beginning to entertain magnificent expectations, and her citizens wanted

-to have the Court House removed to their town. The contest waxed warm.

-The Thebans contended that Cairo was only a "daub of mud on the tail

-of the State," while Thebes was destined to hold the same relation to

-Alexander, that its ancient namesake did to Egypt in the time of Menes.

-[See Herodotus.] But to settle the dispute, the Legislature must be

-appealed to, and that involved the choice of a man favorable to the

-change. This narrowed the fight right down to a hot county canvass

-between the Theban and Cairoine interests.

-

-A Cairo man conceived a scheme that was ahead of anything yet achieved

-by Uncle Abe's brigadiers in the way of "strategy." He wrapped a boulder

-in a green hide, making a perfectly round mass, to which he attached a

-mule; then night after night he drew the stone through sand and mud.

-By going on a straight line, the mule's tracks were concealed, and the

-track left, resembled that made by a huge serpent.

-

-[Illustration: 0041]

-

-These tracks were mainly in the south end of the county, and caused

-an excitement that almost absorbed the election interest. Soon it was

-reported that Mrs. so and so had seen a huge snake. The wonder grew

-apace. Anon it was currently reported that two men had seen the great

-serpent five miles above Cairo. The excitement increased. Several daring

-hunters followed the track, of which new ones were made every night;

-but the trail always led into water and was lost. Several persons missed

-hogs and calves, which were surmised to have gone into the capacious maw

-of the serpent. Finally word was given out that a great hunt was to come

-off in the lower part of the county, and the rendezvous was appointed.

-On the morning, hundreds were there from all parts of the county, and

-dividing into squads they started to scour the country about. At night

-they returned from their snakeless hunt, but so anxious were the people

-to get rid of his snakeship, that they furnished an abundance of edibles

-and whisky. All were in hilarious spirits, determined to renew the hunt

-on the following morning. By daylight the hunters were again on the

-tramp, and men from the lower part of the county happened to fall into

-the squad.

-

-About 3 o'clock in the afternoon, a squad of the bans hove in sight

-of a small village, _i.e._ one house a blacksmith shop and a grocery,

-where, seeing a large crowd assembled, they hurried up in expectation of

-seeing the dead monster. _But the men were voting!_

-

-"Thunder!" cried a Theban, "this is election day, and I'll bet my bottom

-dollar we're sold!"

-

-They started for the rendezvous and spread their suspicions; but so few

-reached their own precincts, that the Cairo man was elected.

-

-Then the joke came out; but the Thebans couldn't see the "laughing

-place;" their rage and mortification was so intense.

-

-Uncle Abe was a member of the Legislature, when an effort was made to

-change the county seat of Alexander; and though he liked the joke hugely

-by which the Thebans had been "diddled," he saw the honesty of the thing

-and so voted against any change.

-

-

-

-

-Why Uncle Abe Made a Brigadier.

-

-When the rebellion had gone so far as to give the most hopeful

-some clear idea of its extent and malignancy, it chanced that J. A.

-Mc------d, a leading politician of Illinois, made a visit to Washington,

-and imitated his friend Douglas so far as to call upon Uncle Abe. The

-"shoot" that certain prominent Democrats gave indication of taking,

-by talking of reconstruction and a Northwestern Republic, gave the new

-administration some concern. Uncle Abe was very sociable with Logan,

-Mac, and a few of their "ilk." So Uncle Abe not only extended to Mac the

-hospitalities of the White House, but accompanied him on a visit to the

-arsenal. While there, their attention was drawn to some muskets which

-the speculators had furnished to Cameron, and which were thought

-(generally) very dangerous to those who used them.

-

-Mac caught up one, and sighted along the barrel.

-

-"Do that again, Mac," said Uncle Abe.

-

-Mac complied. Uncle Abe was evidently struck with an idea, and Mac was

-anxious to know what it was like.

-

-"Why, Mac," said Uncle Abe, "I was thinking if we could get all our

-soldiers to make up that kind of a face, that the rebels couldn't stand

-it a moment." Mac didn't relish Uncle Abe's joke, as he was hopefully

-in pursuit of the third wife; but he put the best face he could upon the

-matter, and remarked to Uncle Abe--

-

-"Perhaps you'd better make me a Brigadier then!"

-

-"And why not?" asked Uncle Abe.

-

-Mac got his commission.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Puzzled.

-

-Uncle Abe was met one day near Springfield, by a conceited coxcomb, who

-had built him a house at some distance, and invited him to dinner.

-Uncle Abe did not much relish the Jackenape's acquaintance. In fact,

-as Justice Shallow has it, had "written him down an Ass." However, Abe

-enquired very minutely, where Snooks lived? "Thistle Grove," replied the

-verdant Snooks; "but there's no grove now, and not a single thistle!"

-

-"Eh, what!" cries Uncle Abe, "not a single thistle! Then what on airth

-do you live on?"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Divided on a Question.

-

-In 1840 or '41, Uncle Abo was a member of the Illinois Legislature.

-The Capital had lately been removed from Vandalia to Springfield. The

-Legislature met in the Presbyterian church.

-

-I have forgotten what measure was before the house; but it was one in

-which there were many members who did not wish to commit themselves.

-Uncle Abe was in this predicament. He sat near an open window, and when

-the clerk, calling the ayes and nays had got down to L's, Uncle Abe

-thrust his right leg out of the window, and was just drawing its long

-companion after it, when an anti-dodging member "seeing the game," shut

-the sash down and held Uncle Abe in a trap.

-

-"Lincoln," called out the Clerk.

-

-"Mr. Speaker," said Col. Thornton, "Mr. Lincoln is _divided_ on this

-question, and I move you that the sergeant at arms be sent to bring in

-that part of him that is out of the window."

-

-Uncle Abe was "_brought in_" amid a universal titter, to his evident

-mortification.

-

-In 1840, the Union generally went for Harrison; but Illinois,

-particularly, was democratic. When the Legislature met in the Fall

-of that year, the Whig members tried to break up the _new_ Session by

-absenting themselves from voting to adjourn the old Session _sine die_,

-so that they could Constitutionally meet the next Wednesday morning; the

-State Constitution requiring the Legislature to meet "the first Monday

-in December next, ensuing the election of members." After the breaking

-up of the morning Session, the Sergeant-at-arms hunted up the delinquent

-Whigs, and at 3 o'clock there was a quorum obtained, and the doors

-locked. The Springfield _Register_ of Dec. 11, 1840, mentions this

-matter, but thinks Uncle Abe "come off without damage, as it was noticed

-that his legs reached nearly from the window to the ground!"

-

-A proposition was afterwards humorously proposed, to add another story

-to the new State House, so that fugacious members would have to go down

-the water spouts if they ran!

-

-

-

-

-Tried for Scaring the Girls.

-

-Thirty years ago, when Springfield was blooming into the dignity of its

-Capitalive position, the American House was its great hotel, (and it

-isn't its smallest yet,) and the resort of those who loved to spend

-a few hours in the society of the _bon vivants_ who then

-assembled--Lincoln, Douglas, Shields, Ferguson, Herndon, (then a young

-man, but since the law partner of Uncle Abe,) and many others "not

-unknown to fame," could almost always be found here during the evening.

-

-One evening as they were sitting in free converse in the bar-room, one

-of the chamber maids came in and informed the landlord that a man was

-under her bed.

-

-It seems while stooping down to untie her gaiters, she saw a man under

-the bed. With rare presence of mind, she excused herself to her fellow

-servant as having forgotten some duty, and reported her discovery to

-the landlord. Boniface at once called for volunteers to secure the

-interloper. So eager were they for fun, that all volunteered. They

-surprised and captured the man, and brought him down to the bar-room;

-but what to do with him? was the next question. Springfield then had no

-vagabonds who made fees out of misfortunes--i.e. policemen--and it was

-determined to treat him with the prompt justice peculiar to that era. A

-court was therefore got together at once, all expectant of fun but the

-unfortunate culprit.

-

-Judge Thomas Brown was decided upon to act as Judge; Melborn, the

-talented, but eccentric State Attorney, was detailed to prosecute;

-and Lincoln and Douglas to defend the prisoner. Dr. Wallace acted as

-Sheriff, and upon the jury were Dr. Merriman, * Gen. Shields, John

-Calhoun (of Lecompton memory,) Uri Manly, and many other well known

-personages.

-

-Lawborn, though a regularly-educated and talented lawyer, took occasion

-not only to be as "funny as he could," but to imitate the prevailing

-style of oratory too common in Illinois--a style in which the

-Hard-shell-Baptist devil mingled with the rough dialect of the

-back-woodsman.

-

-"_May it please your Honor, and you, gentlemen of the Jury_: The

-Legislature of Illinois, though it has legislated upon every subject it

-could think of, has omitted to pass any act against a man being born as

-ugly as he pleases. If such an idea ever occurred to my friend Lincoln

-here, when in the Legislature, I know he would at once dismiss it,

-not only as too personal, but as repugnant to his honest heart. As for

-myself, I like ugly men. An ugly man stands up on his own merits. Nature

-has done nothing for him, and he feels that he must labor to supply the

-deficit by amiability and good conduct generally. There is not an ugly

-man in this room but has felt this. A pretty man, on the contrary,

-trusts his face to supply head, heart and everything. He is an anomaly

-in nature, as though the productions had been at fault as to sex, and

-sought to correct it when too late. They are girl's first loves, and

-doting husband's jealous bane. I confess I don't like pretty men half so

-well as I do pretty women.

-

-     * Afterward murdered and robbed on the Pacific.

-

-"No, gentlemen, ugliness is nothing. It is manners that is everything.

-The ugliest man that ever lived, never intentionally frightened a

-woman--nay, never was so unfortunate as to do so. But this creature,

-gentlemen of the Jury, this mendacious wretch whom you set in judgment

-upon--this creature, who would doubtless enter for a prize of beauty at

-a vanity fair--how has he failed in his duty to society? Why, gentlemen,

-by crawling under the bed upon which two fair damsels were about to

-expose their loveliness to Diana's envious gaze. Did he wish to woo

-them? Petruche's was rough in his wooing--this man was mean! Woman loves

-not surprises. Their hearts are fond of open sieges. This is the case of

-all women-kind. Maugre the slander of Hudibras:=

-

-``"He that woos a maid,

-

-``Must lie, love, and flatter."=

-

-"It is a _mystery_ that adds to beauty, and the woman who surrenders that

-to importunity or surprise, has lost half her vantage ground. The story

-of Guyges and Candaules' queen, if not paralleled here, is not without

-its moral. What else meant this wretch, gentlemen of the Jury, but to

-surprise these charming damsels when only armed with the light shield

-that the Huntress and the cotton plant throws over earthly beauty? Or,

-perhaps he meant more--his own guilty heart can only accuse him there.

-

-"Gentlemen of the Jury, the failure of our Legislature to provide a

-specific punishment for such miscreants, as this--lecherous creatures,

-who steal upon woman amid the mysteries of the bed-room--is no reason

-why society should fold its arms and leave woman's hidden beauties to be

-anatomized by guilty eyes. No, gentlemen of the Jury, outraged decency

-cries for its victim, and here he tremblingly, guiltily stands.

-

-"Gentlemen of the Jury, where are the spirits of the fathers of the

-Constitution? Are they not hovering over us in the air of the still

-summer day? Are they not wailing upon the winds that sweep over our

-prairies? Are they not heard in the sigh of the mountain pine? Are they

-not abroad in all lands, whispering to earth's downtrodden millions like

-a voice of hope? Yes, gentlemen of the Jury! and where was this creature

-then? Why, creeping under the bed of two girls, hazzarding the chance of

-overturning--well, it matters not."

-

---And much more, in a view that needed to be heard to be appreciated.

-

-Lincoln followed, illustrating with anecdotes meet for the place and

-occasion, of which I recollect only the opening. "Gentlemen of the

-Jury," said he, "the remarks of my friend Lawborn about ugly men, comes

-home to my bosom like the sweet oders of a rose to its neighboring great

-sister, the cabbage. It was a grateful, a just tribute to that neglected

-class of the community--ugly men, I wish to say something for my

-client, although it must in candor be admitted, that he had 'gone to

-pot.' I don't see why we should throw the kettle after him; he may be

-the victim of circumstances; he looks very bashful now, and it may be

-the girls scared him; who knows? At least I claim for him the benefit of

-a doubt.

-

-"Why, gentlemen, many of us have, or might have suffered from a

-concatenation of circumstances as strong as that under which my client

-labors. Let me relate a little personal anecdote in illustration. When

-I was making the secret canvass of this country, with my friend

-Cartwright, the Pioneer Preacher, we chanced to stop at the house of one

-of our old Kentucky farmers, whose log-cabin parlor, kitchen and hall

-were blended in one, and only separated at night by sundry blankets hung

-up between the beds. As we were candidates for the august Legislature of

-Illinois, our host treated us with the privacy of a blanket room. During

-the night I was awakened by some one throwing their leg over me with

-some force. I thought it was neighbor Cartright, and took hold of it to

-give it a toss back; but it didn't feel like one of his white oak legs,

-and while I was feeling it to ascertain the correctness of my half-awake

-doubts, a stifled scream thoroughly awakened me, and the leg was

-withdrawn. Why, gentlemen, would you believe me? It was the leg of our

-host's daughter! Imagine my position if you can! What an _apparent_

-breach of hospitality! While I was imagining an excuse for my conduct,

-the 'old folks' struck a light, and the blanket between our bed and

-that of the buxom damsel, was discovered to have been pulled down! More

-damning proof, thought I. I feigned sleep, but kept one corner of my

-left eye open for observation. The blanket was soon fixed up, and I

-was greatly relieved to hear the damsel explain to her mother that she

-herself had invaded our bed while dreaming, caused by some un-digestable

-vegetables she had eaten for her supper. Our host was serene and affable

-in the morning, and I had no need to apologize; but, gentlemen, imagine

-what an escape I had, and have mercy on my client."

-

-Uncle Abe made a side splitting speech all through, and Douglas followed

-with a "constitutional" argument.

-

-The Jury returned a verdict of "guilty of scaring the girls," and the

-Judge sentenced the culprit to be whipped in the back yard, by the girls

-he had scared.

-

-Dr. Wallace, the acting Sheriff, (no, a paymaster in the army,) went out

-and bought a cow hide, and the fellow was soon tied up to a post, and

-the girls made per force to give him thirty-nine well laid on.

-

-The whole affair was a rich evening's divertisement, and cost nothing

-more than a few lost vest buttons and strained button holes.

-

-It is needless to say that the fellow became a _non est_ man from that

-day thenceforth.

-

-

-

-

-"Thank God for the Sassengers."

-

-Most of the readers of this have perhaps read a good story of Oliver

-Ditson, the celebrated Boston Music publisher. After he had been in

-business several years, his New Hampshire friends invited him to open

-his Thanksgiving in his native town, he accepted the invitation and

-started with some of his friends. On the way Ditson was the great man of

-the occasion, and was therefore placed at the head of the table, when

-it devolved upon him to ask the blessing. Now Oliver practiced more

-religion than he knew the exact forms for, and he was in a sad dilemma;

-but he essayed boldly the task. He thanked God for all the 'creature

-comforts' there were upon the table--for all there ever had been--for

-all that was expected. But how to quit? He went on, thanking and trying

-to think at the same time how 'blessings' ended, but to no purpose.

-Knives rattled, plates moved, and Oliver saw the hungry people were

-getting impatient, and he came to the end in a real business like style,

-with--"Yours, respectfully, OLIVER DITSON."

-

-Almost as good an anecdote is told by Uncle Abe of one of his old

-friends, a Mr. Sawyer, who merchandized either in Macon or Champaign

-County. Sawyer, was a Yankee, and distinguished for little besides an

-immoderate liking for "sassingers," as he called that "linked sweetness"

-which polite people call sausages. When Uncle Abe was stumping the

-Sangamon District for Congress, it befell that he and Sawyer met at the

-same country hotel, which was kept by a hardshell Baptist, whose

-foible was long prayers and blessings at table. They--Lincoln and

-Sawyer--happened to be going to the same town by the same coaches. So

-they were up betimes and ready, but breakfast was delayed. They at last

-got to the table, and the Deacon was just closing his eyes preliminary

-to the blessing, when the stage horn blew.

-

-"Bless me, Deacon, there's the stage ready," cried the Sawyer; "thank

-God for the sassengers, and let us fall too."

-

-I hardly need say the Deacon's blessing--and perhaps his breakfast were

-spoiled. But Sawyer had his "sassengers."

-

-

-

-

-Was'nt Murder After All.

-

-When the present State House of Illinois, was being built--and it's a

-passable edifice, baring it is too low in the ground, and the _summer

-house_ up on its top is too low to catch the cool breezes--it chanced

-that among the workmen engaged upon it was a New Yorker named Johnson.

-This man had a sovereign contempt for most of the shinplasters then

-circulating in Illinois; nor was he much amiss in this, for if it

-was now in existence, it would be exchangable at par with Jeff Davis'

-shinplasters. But through the instrumentality of Col. Thornton's

-negotiations in New York with McAlister of Stebbins, (a claim, by the

-way, that has never been settled but came near _settling_ the State _a

-la_ Mattoon,) a large amount of the bills of the New York _Metropolitan

-Bank_ were put into circulation about Springfield. For this currency

-Johnson conceived so great a partiality that the passion of avarice soon

-turned it into a mania. He bought all these notes his means permitted,

-and stored them away about his person with miserly care.

-

-One Sunday Johnson was invited to ride out to the Cut off by a man

-(Smith for the nonce) and accepted. They did'nt stop at the Cut-off, but

-went direct to Sangamon River. Here, they were overheard quarrelling.

-

-Smith came home without Johnson, who was soon missed, and as he was

-known to have gone away with Smith, that individual was soon put in that

-log building still standing (it did in '62) back of Carrigan's Hotel,

-and which has since served as a hen house etc. (Why don't Butler take a

-picture of it, to show the "rising generation" what a small house used

-to hold all the _known or taken_ rogues of old Sangamon?)

-

-The examination of Smith, did not take place until the river bank had

-been examined. There were signs of a struggle on the bank, and to the

-water's edge, which gave force to the evidence of the man who heard

-them in dispute, and all felt convinced that Johnson had been murdered.

-Although a careful examination and dredging of the river failed to

-produce the body, Smith was committed for trial.

-

-Uncle Abe was engaged as counsel for Johnson, but had little hopes of

-being of any earthly aid to him.

-

-At last the day of trial came, and the prisoner plead "not guilty."

-

-I think it was Melborn who was the prosecuting Attorney; before the

-prosecution had opened the case Uncle Abe rose and said:

-

-"May it please the Court, I have a motion to make before the prosecution

-opens; and as it may save the Court some unnecessary labor, I hope it

-will be entertained. _I move that the indictment be quashed and the

-prisoner discharged!_"

-

-The astonishment of the crowded Court room was immense, shared alike by

-Judge, bar and spectators. As soon as the Judge recovered his equanimity

-he asked:

-

-"Upon what grounds is so extraordinary a motion made?"

-

-"Why the man Johnson, was not murdered at all, and I have the pleasure

-of introducing _him to the presence of the Court_."

-

-Johnson was led forward. Hundreds recognized him immediately, The

-excitement was so great that the Judge adjourned the Court.

-

-It seems that the parties had quarreled, Johnson had been pushed into

-the river, but had got out and wandered off in a state of partial

-aberation of mind and had been working on a farm. His passion for

-Metropolitan Bank Notes and his name suggested an idea that he was the

-missing man, and he was opportunely produced in time to save a man from

-being hung.

-

-

-

-

-Joe Reed's Mule Hunt.

-

-One of the best natured fellows in the world, when he is not mad, is

-Joe Reed, of Logan County, Illinois, Joe is a staunch Republican--a real

-rip-rarer in the cause, and has given Uncle Abe the lift of a mighty

-broad pair of shoulders more than once, although at first he had a poor

-opinion of the rail-splitter. Thereby hangs a tale.

-

-In 18--, (the date is forgotten on account of the coldness of the

-weather that winter,) Joe lost a couple of mules. After they had

-been gone for a long time, he chanced to hear of them in a settlement

-somewhere within the present bounds of Macon County. Illinois. At the

-first opportunity Joe started on a mule hunt, determined to find either

-the mules or some _trace_ of them. On reaching the neighborhood in

-question, Joe was satisfied that an old fellow named Bosby Sheel, had

-his mules; and when he went in person, and saw them, the assurance of

-his eyes made "assurance double sure." He at once made claim, but the

-old fellow had heard that possession was nine points of the law--he

-declined to surrender them; Joe immediately appealed to old Squire

-P------, who at once summoned the holder of the mules to his Court. The

-Squire informed Joe that he would have to prove property; but Joe said

-he would only have to swear to his property. In this dilemma, the Squire

-adjourned Court till after dinner and remarked to Joe that he had better

-get a lawyer.

-

-"There is young Abe Lincoln, he don't live far from here, and he'll be

-at my house after dinner."

-

-As he was the only lawyer immediately thereabouts, Joe thought he had

-best employ him, in order to "have the law on his side."

-

-Soon after dinner a stranger arrived, and the Justice (who was landlord

-of the only hotel in the settlement,) whispered to Joe, that that was

-the lawyer.

-

-"What!" exclaimed Joe, "that lean, lank gawky? Why, I'll bet both

-of them mules I know more law nor he does, for I'm a 'Squire at home

-myself--I am."

-

-"But his looks is mighty deceivin', I tell you," said Boniface. "He's

-gin out to be one of the piertest young fellows short o' Sangamon."

-

-But Joe was decided, and the 'Squire re-convened his Court, he having

-the meantime laid the case before his young friend, the lawyer, and got

-his opinion.

-

-Acting his own lawyer, Joe felt it due to his course to give a concise

-statement of the law. As he stood up, he still continued to read from a

-green-covered book that had engaged his attention most of the day It was

-one of Cooper's latest novels. As Joe gave his version of the law, it

-seemed to 'Squire P------ that he was _reading_ the law.

-

-"Is that really the law?" said he, as Joe finished his version of the

-law--not the book. "Let me see that book."

-

-Joe mechanically handed it to him.

-

-After pouring over it for some time, he handed it back, with an air of

-disappointment, remarking:

-

-"Drat me! if I see any sich law in that book."

-

-"Well, it ain't no wonder ye don't--that's the _Red Rover_, a novel and

-not a law book, and you've been and lost my place too," Joe found his

-place, and continued: "what I told you is what the law says, and I know

-it's so."

-

-"Well, as you're a 'Squire, too, I reckon you ought to know. As the mules

-don't belong to old man Bosby Sheel and you swear they are you'rn, I

-hold he's bound to give'em up."

-

-Joe rallied the old Squire rather hard about looking over the _Red

-Rover_ for extra law, but finally "give a treat" and left the Squire and

-his friend in the best of humors.

-

-Said Uncle Abe when he had the small-pox, "I now can give something to

-every one who calls."

-

-

-

-

-Has no Influence with the Administration.

-

-Judge Baldwin, an old and highly respectable and sedate gentleman,

-called a few days since on Gen. Halleck, and presuming upon a familiar

-acquaintance in California formerly, solicited a pass outside of our

-lines, to see a brother in Virginia, not thinking that he would be met

-with a refusal, as both his brother and himself were good Union men.

-

-"We have been deceived too often," said General Halleck, "and I regret I

-can't grant it."

-

-Judge B. then went to Stanton, and was very briefly disposed of with the

-same result. Finally he obtained an interview with Uncle Abe, and stated

-his case.

-

-"Have you applied to Gen. Halleck?" inquired the President.

-

-"And met with a flat refusal," said Judge B.

-

-"Then you must see Stanton," continued Uncle Abe.

-

-"I have, and with the same result," was the reply.

-

-"Well, then," said Uncle Abe, with a smile of good humor, "I can do

-nothing; for you must know _that I have very little influence with this

-Administration_."

-

-

-

-

-A Touching Incident.

-

-The following incident, which occurred at the White House, will appeal

-to every heart. It reveals unmistakably the deep kindness of Uncle Abe's

-character:

-

-"At a reception recently at the White House, many persons present

-noticed three little girls poorly dressed, the children of some mechanic

-or laboring man, who had followed the visitors into the house to gratify

-their curiosity. They were passed from room to room, and were passing

-through the reception room with some trepidation, when Uncle Abe, called

-to them: 'Little girls, are you going to pass me without shaking hands?'

-Then he bent his tall, awkward form down, and shook each little girl

-warmly by the hand. Everybody in the apartment was spellbound by the

-incident, so simple in itself, yet revealing so much of Uncle Abe's

-character."

-

-

-

-

-A Lincoln Man Ducked.

-

-During the canvass between Uncle Abe, and Peter Cartright, the

-celebrated Pioneer Preacher, it chanced that Cartright, was returning to

-his home from the Williamsville and Wiggins Lane settlement. The nearest

-crossing of the Sangamon was at Carpenter's Mills, where there was the

-convenience of a ferry instead of a bridge, as is now the case. Upon the

-hill on the western side of the river, Cartright saw a man elevated upon

-a barrel in front of a little grocery--and on nearing him, he discovered

-that he was giving the Democrats in general, and Uncle Peter Cartright

-in particular, a perfect fusilade of small shots of slang and abuse.

-

-"I tell you, boys, I'm a Whig,--a real Harrison Tippacanoe and Tyler

-too, Whig," said he. "I'm for putting down all these cuss'd locofocos,

-and if we can't vote'em down, why I go for lickin'em' down. There's

-long Abe Lincoln that's runnin' for the Legislature--he's the chap to

-vote for. He's one of the people--split rails and got his edycation by

-moonlight. He don't go round the country prayin' and preachin' like that

-mean Methodist cuss, Peter Cartright, that's runnin' agin him. I'd like

-to know what we wants of a parson to make laws for us? Just elect him,

-and fust you know he'll have a bill into the Legislature, to fine us for

-not goin' to meetin' or for drinkin' a glass of whisky. I'll tell

-you what, if he ever comes round here, I'll just pass him inter the

-Sangamon--certain--sure."

-

-Just here Uncle Peter Cartright enquired for "the ferryman.

-

-"I'm the ferry-man, old hoss," sung out the rustic orator, "and ken

-put ye cross the river in no time." Uncle Peter signified his desire

-to cross, and the twain started towards the ferry boat. The Preacher

-stepping into the boat, hitched his horse to the side, while the

-ferryman shoved out into the stream.

-

-"So you are a Lincoln man?" queried Uncle Peter. "I'm that hoss."

-

-"And so I presume you would douse a Cartright man if you had a chance?"

-

-"I mought do it stranger."

-

-"Certainly you would douse Mr. Cartright?"

-

-"Sure's winkin', old fellow."

-

-"Well Sir, I am Peter Cartright at your service," and before the

-ferryman recovered from his surprise Uncle Peter pitched him into the

-river, took the pole and put himself across the river.

-

-The ferryman did'nt vote for Uncle Peter but he altered his opinion of

-Methodist preachers in general and Uncle Peter in particular.

-

-

-

-

-A Comparison.

-

-One day as Uncle Abe, and a friend were sitting on the House of

-Representatives steps, the session closed, and the members filed out in

-a body. Uncle Abe looked after them with a serious smile. "That reminds

-me," said he, "of a little incident when I was a boy; my flat boat lay

-up at Alton on the Mississippi, for a day, and I strolled about the

-town. I saw a large stone building, with massive stone walls, not

-so handsome though, as this, and while I was looking at it, the iron

-gateway opened, and a great body of men came out. 'What do you call

-that?' I asked a bystander. 'That,' said he, 'is the State Prison, and

-those are all thieves going home. Their time is up.'"

-

-

-

-

-"There's Enough for All."

-

-Uncle Abe was terribly bored by the office seekers, even before the

-Presidential house-warming had scarcely began. The Illinois politicians

-were the most ravenous pap-Suckers of all.

-

-"Just wait a little," said Uncle Abe, "I can assure you, as L------d

-S------t did the swine, 'there's enough for all.'"

-

-"Let us have the story, Uncle Abe," said one of the crowd, who evidently

-expected something rich.

-

-"Why, you see," began Uncle Abe, "I attended court many years ago at

-Mt. Pulaski, the first county seat of Logan County, and there was the

-jolliest set of rollicking young Lawyers there that you ever saw

-together. There was Bill F------n, Bill H------n, L------d S------t, and

-a lot more, and they mixed law and Latin, water and whisky, with equal

-success. It so fell out that the whisky seemed to be possessed of the

-very spirit of Jonah. At any rate, S------t went out to the hog-pen,

-and, leaning over, began to 'throw up Jonah.' The hogs evidently thought

-it feed time, for they rushed forward and began to squabble over the

-voided matter.

-

-"'Don't fight (hic),' said S------t: 'there's enough (hic) for all.'"

-

---The politicians couldn't see anything to laugh at, although the

-"snubbin" was plain enough.

-

-

-

-

-Making a President.

-

-Uncle Abe, in elucidating his estimate of Presidential honors, tells a

-clever story, as he always does, when he sets about it. It seems that

-Windy Billy, who is a politician of no ordinary pretensions, was a

-candidate for the Consulship of Bayonne, and he urged his appointment

-with the eloquence of a Clay or a Seward. He boasted vociferously of his

-activity in promoting the success of the Republican ticket, and averred

-with his impassioned earnestness that he and he alone had made Uncle Abe

-President.

-

-"Ah!" exclaimed Uncle Abe, "and it was you who made me President, was

-it?" a twinkle in his eye all the time.

-

-"Yes," said Billy, rubbing his hands and throwing out his chest, as a

-baggage-master would a small valise, "yes, I think I may say I am the

-man who made you President."

-

-"Well, Billy, my boy, if that's the case, it's a h--ll of a muss you got

-me into, that's all."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Boss of the Cabinet.

-

-A prominent Senator was remonstrating with Uncle Abe a few days ago

-about keeping Mr. Chase in his Cabinet, when it was as well known that

-Mr. C. is opposed, tooth and nail, to Uncle Abe's re-election.

-

-"Now, see here," said Uncle Abe, "when I was elected I resolved to hire

-my four Presidential rivals, pay them their wages and be their 'boss.'

-These were Seward, Chase, Cameron and Bates; but I got rid of Cameron

-after he had played himself out. As to discharging Chase or Seward,

-don't talk of it. I pay them their wages and am their boss, and would'nt

-let either of them out on the loose for the fee simple of the Almaden

-patent."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Peter Cartright's Wonder.

-

-Some of the farmers in and about Saggamon county, Illinois, have been and

-still are so intent on cattle-raising, that the business is a sort

-of cattle-mania. Uncle Peter was one Sunday preaching near a good old

-deacon of this sort, whose piety was somewhat like that of a card-playing

-lady mentioned by Addison, (Spectator No. 7,) who had a set hour for her

-devotions, and if she happened to be at a game, would get a friend to

-"hold her hand" while she said her prayers. Our worthy deacon was rather

-vain of his "gift" praying and saying "blessings" at table. As a matter

-of courtesy, he might occasionally ask a visiting preacher to pray

-or ask a blessing; but he never failed to exhibit his "gift" to his

-visitors. He had a singsong way of "getting it off," at the same time

-beating time with his hands on either side of his plate. On the occasion

-alluded to, he began--"Oh Lord! (thump) bless the creature comforts

-(thump) provided for our (thump) sustenance (thump.) Bless it (thump) to

-our needs (thump) and necessities, (thump). Lead us aright, (thump) but

-if we stray (thump) put us back (thump) into the right path, (thump).

-Bless the stranger (thump) that comes beneath our roof, (thump) and keep

-his feet (thump) in pleasant paths, (thump). What we ask (thump)

-amiss, (thump) withhold; (thump) but grant us what our (thump)

-short-sightedness omits, (thump) and thine be the glory (thump) now and

-for ever, (thump) a------."

-

-And here the old deacon stopped suddenly, opened his eyes, and looking

-across the table, asked:

-

-"Son John, did Mr. Jones settle yet for that Durham cow?"

-

-"Yes, father--it's all right."

-

-"Amen," concluded the deacon.

-

-"Cattle! cattle!" exclaimed Uncle Peter in ill-concealed disgust.

-

-"Why, you can't say your prayers without having cattle running through

-your head; I wonder the Lord don't turn such Christians into cattle!"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe a Shaksperian.

-

-When Uncle Abe was making a plea in one of the county Circuit Courts,

-not far from Springfield, one of the lawyers becoming sensible that he

-was being out-generaled, remarked to Uncle Abe, as he sat down--

-

-"I smell a mice."

-

-"Why don't you quote Shakspeare correctly?" said Uncle Abe.

-

-"Why," said the other, "I was not aware that I Was quoting Shakspeare at

-all."

-

-"Certainly you were, and had you done it properly, it would have been

-more expressive and less vulgar. The correct expression is, 'I smell a

-device.'"

-

-

-

-

-The Running Sickness.

-

-In the Black Hawk war, Uncle Abe belonged to a militia company in the

-service. On a scout, the company encountered the Indians, and in a

-brisk skirmish drove them some miles, when, night coming on, our forces

-encamped. Great was the consternation on discovering that Lincoln was

-missing. His absence or rather his stories, from the bivouac, was a

-misfortune. Suddenly, however, he came into camp. "Maj. Abe, is that

-you? Thought you were killed. Where've you been?" were the startling

-speculations. "Yes," said Uncle Abe, "this is me--ain't killed either."

-

-"But where have you been all the time?"

-

-"Oh, just over there."

-

-"But what were you over there for? Didn't run away, did you?"

-

-"No," said he deliberately, "I don't think I run away; but, after all, I

-reckon if anybody had seen me going, and had been told I was going for a

-doctor, he would have thought somebody was almighty sick."

-

-

-

-

-How to Get Rid of Rats.

-

-So thick had the rats become in Logan County, a few years ago, that the

-means of getting rid of the nuisance was freely discussed. The newly

-organized Agricultural Society, finally concluded to offer three

-premiums for the then largest numbers. The man who took the largest

-prize, exhibited over 1,700 scalps all caught in the space of three

-weeks. At the time these prizes were pending, Uncle Abe attended Court

-there, and Col. L------n, (a considerable gourmand,) by the way, was

-discussing the best way to get rid of the rats, and finally asked Uncle

-Abe's opinion.

-

-"Why," said Uncle Abe, "rats are a 'cunning cattle,' and soon find out

-how things are going. I introduce them to your table as a delicacy, and

-when they find out you are making 'game' of them they will soon give you

-a wide berth."

-

-The Colonel winced under a faint impression; but silently ratified Uncle

-Abe's conclusions. "Yes," chimed in M------, "we might go so far as to

-use their pelts to ornament our winter clothing."

-

-

-

-

-A Palpable Application

-

-On a late occasion, when the White House was open to the public, a

-farmer from one of the border counties of Virginia told Uncle Abe that

-the Union soldiers, in passing his farm, had helped themselves not only

-to hay, but his horses, and he hoped the President would urge the proper

-officer to consider his claim immediately. "Why, my dear sir," replied

-Uncle Abe, blandly, "I couldn't think of such a thing. If I considered

-individual cases, I should find work for twenty Presidents!" Bowie urged

-his needs persistently; Uncle Abe declined good-naturedly. "But," said

-the persevering sufferer, "couldn't you just give me a line to Colonel

-------- about it? just one line?" "Ha, ha, ha!" responded amiable Uncle

-Abe, shaking himself fervently, and crossing his legs the other way,

-"that reminds me of old Jack Chase out in Illinois." At this the crowd

-huddled forward to listen. "You have seen Jack--I knew him like a

-brother--used to be a lumberman on the Illinois, and he was steady

-and sober, and the best raftsman on the river. It was quite a trick

-twenty-five years ago to take the logs over the rapids, but he was

-skillful, with a raft, and always kept her straight in the channel.

-Finally a steamboat was put on, and Jack--he's dead now, poor

-fellow!--was made captain of her. He used to take the wheel going

-through the rapids. One day, when the boat was plunging and wallowing

-along the boiling current, and Jack's utmost vigilance was exercised to

-keep her in the narrow channel, a boy pulled his coat tail, and hailed

-him with, 'Sir, Mister Captain! I wish you'd just stop your boat a

-minute--I've lost my apple overboard!'"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe on the Whisky Question.

-

-A committee, just previous to the fall of Vicksburg, solicitous for the

-_morale_ of our armies, took it upon themselves to visit the President

-and urge the removal of General Grant. .

-

-"What for?" asked Uncle Abe.

-

-"Why," replied the busy-bodies, "he drinks too much whisky."

-

-"Ah!" rejoined Uncle Abe, "can you inform me gentlemen, where General

-Grant procures his whisky?"

-

-The committee confessed they could not.

-

-"Because," added Uncle Abe, with a merry twinkle in his eye, "If I can

-find out, I'll send a barrel of it to every General in the field!"

-

-The delegation retired in reasonable good order.

-

-

-

-

-Edwards vs. Lincoln.

-

-One day soon after Uncle Abe began the canvass with Judge Douglas

-for the United States Senate, Lincoln, an Editor, accosted Nivian W.

-Edwards, (Uncle Abe's brother-in-law,) as Mr. Lincoln himself.

-

-"Well," said Edwards, "I think I must be growing taller and uglier every

-day, for this is the sixth time I've been taken for Abe within a week."

-

-Notwithstanding Edwards was a Democrat and a joker, Uncle Abe made him a

-commissary in the army.

-

-

-

-

-Metalic Ring.

-

-The new practical postal currency have upon the face, a faint oval

-ring of bronze, encircling the vignette. Uncle Abe being asked its use,

-replied that it was a faint attempt on the part of Mr. Chase, to give

-the new currency a metalic ring.

-

-

-

-

-A Grateful Postmaster.

-

-Said a long legged hoosier, on receiving the appointment of Postmaster,

-in Sangamon County, "I tell you Uncle Abe, you're a hoss," "yes replied

-Uncle Abe, a _draft_ horse."

-

-

-

-

-A Serious Joke.

-

-Washington, February 18, 1864

-

-To Wm. Fishback

-

-When I fixed a _plan_ for an election in Arkansas I did it in ignorance

-that your convention was at the same work. Since I learned the latter

-fact I have been constantly trying to yield my _plan_ to theirs. I have

-sent two letters to General Steel, and three or four dispatches to you

-and others, saying that (General Steel,) must be master, but that it

-will probably be best for him to keep the convention on its own _plan_.

-Some single mind must be master, else there will be no agreement on

-any thing; and General Steel, commanding the military, and being on

-the ground, is the best man to be that master. Even now citizens are

-telegraphing me to postpone the election to a later day than either

-fixed by the Convention or me This discord must be silenced.

-

-A. LINCOLN.

-

-A young Massachusetts soldier, named Merrill, writes a Washington

-correspondent, had on ounce ball pass through his head during the battle

-of Fredericksburg. It entered near his right eye and was extracted

-behind his left ear. Another ball would have entered a vital part of his

-body had it not been arrested by a Testament, in which it lodged.

-When this safeguard was shown to Uncle Abe, he sent to the hospital a

-handsome pocket Bible, in which was written: "Charles V. Merrill, Co. A.

-19th Massachusetts, from A. Lincoln."

-

-"Major-General Grant,--Understanding that your lodgment at Chattanooga

-and Knoxville is now secure I wish to tender you, and all under your

-command, my more than thanks--my profoundest gratitude--for the skill,

-courage, and perseverence with which you and they, over so great

-difficulties, have effected that important object. God bless you all!

-

-"A. LINCOLN."

-

-

-

-

-Fix the Date.

-

-Uncle Abe, was conversing with some friends and remarked, "There's

-a good Time coming," a countryman stepped up to Uncle Abe, and said:

-"Mister, you could'nt fix to date, could yous?"

-

-

-

-

-Rival of Uncle Abe.

-

-Old Abe has got off many good things since he left Springfield, but the

-following equals anything which has proceeded from that veteran joker.

-

-"In the Georgia Legislature, Mr. Linton Stephens, brother of the rebel

-Vice President, introduced a resolution in the House of Representatives

-declaring that peace be officially offered to the enemy after every

-Confederate victory."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Estimate of the Senate.

-

-Uncle Abe, says that in the Senate, he "owns nine of the Senators and

-one-half of another."

-

-"Who owns the other half?" asked a gentleman to whom Uncle Abe was

-speaking. "Henry Wilson of Massachusetts," replied the Chief Magistrate,

-"Wilson is for me," says the President, "before breakfast; rather

-against me while his digestion is going on after it; loves me like pie

-during the hours which he spends visiting the various departments and

-asking for places and patronage; and bitterly my enemy from seven every

-evening until he goes to bed, drops asleep and commences snoring. Wilson

-is carrying water on both shoulders but I guess he'll get a wetting and

-soil his clothes before he gets through."

-

-

-

-

-"Thought he Must be Good for Something."

-

-An Illinois man who had known the "boy Mayor," John Hay, from boyhood,

-was expressing to Uncle Abe, after the massacre at Olustee, some regret

-that he should have supposed him capable of any military position.

-

-"About Hay," said Uncle Abe, "the fact was, I was pretty much like

-Jim Hawks, out in Illinois, who sold a dog to a hunting neighbor, as

-a first-rate coon dog. A few days after, the fellow brought him back,

-saying he 'wasn't worth a cuss for coons.' 'Well,' said Jim, I tried him

-for everything else, and he wasn't worth a d----n, and so I thought he

-_must_ be good for coons.'"

-

-

-

-

-Aptly Said.

-

-To a man who was condoling Uncle Abe on the disaster at Olustee, and

-suggesting how it might have been prevented, he said:

-

-"Your remarks are well intended, doubtless; but they do little less than

-aggravate a thing which I can't help thinking might have been helped.

-It reminds me of a story that I read when I was a boy. An old fellow who

-had clambered rather high into an apple tree, fell and broke his arm.

-A sympathizing and philosophic neighbor, seeing his mishap, went to his

-aid. 'Ah,' said he, 'if you had followed my plan you would have escaped

-this.' 'Indeed, what is your plan?' enquired the groaning man. 'Why,

-never to let go both hands, till you get one hold somewhere else.'"

-

-The would-be Brigadier saw the point, and left.

-

-"I see you've got to the sticking point at last," as the Democrat

-remarked to a slippery Republican, whose team had gone into the ground

-up to the hub.

-

-"They have gone up every Creek and Bayou where it was a little damp."

-

-"Linkums" Sold Cheap.

-

-Daring the Presidential contest of 1860, there was an Italian artist

-of plaster figures in Springfield, who supplied "leetel Linkums," as

-he called his figures, faster than ever Uncle Abe did. He succeeded in

-putting one of these Republican penates into every Republican house in

-town, but they finally became a "drug" in the market. However, he kept

-his "asking price" up; but his selling price was as various as his

-buyers, and hard to deal with.

-

-One day, with a load of these upon his head, he entered a jeweller's

-shop, and accosted the man behind the counter with-- *

-

-"You buys'em leetel Linkums?"

-

-"No--don't want'em."

-

-"Sells'em cheap," persisted the Italian.

-

-"Well, how do you sell to-day?"

-

-"Fifty cent piece."

-

-"I'll give you a dollar for the lot," said A------, expecting to pose

-the Italian.

-

-"You takes'em," greedily exclaimed the artist, and he left Mr. L. A.

-A------n with a lot of plaster on hand which he had hard work to give

-away.

-

-"There's an odor of nationality about those bills, said Secretary Chase,

-showing a lot of the firstlings of his greenbacks to Uncle Abe.

-

-"A very good figure of speech," replied Uncle Abe, "but you must not get

-too many under the public nostril, or your figure of speech will be an

-odor of fact."

-

-April 1, 1862, greenbacks, 100. April 1, 1864, greenbacks, 55.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe as a Pilot.

-

-The captain of one of the Mississippi river steamers one morning, while

-his boat was lying at her moorings at New Orleans, waiting for the tardy

-pilot, who, it appears, was a rather uncertain sort of fellow, saw a

-tall, gaunt Sucker make his appearance before the captain's office, and

-sing out--

-

-"Hello, cap'n! you don't want a pilot nor nothin' about this 'ere craft,

-do ye?"

-

-"How do you know I don't?" responded the captain.

-

-"Oh, you don't understand; I axed you s'posin' you did?"

-

-"Then, supposing I do, what of it?"

-

-"Well," said Uncle Abe, for it was he, "I reckon I know suthin' about

-that ere sort o' business, provided you wanted a feller of jest about my

-size."

-

-The captain gave him a scrutinising glance, and with an expression of

-countenance which seemed to say, "I should pity the steamer that you

-piloted," asked--

-

-"Are you acquainted with the river, and do you know where the snags

-are?"

-

-"Well, ye-as," responded Uncle Abe rather hesitatingly, "I'm pretty well

-acquainted with the river, but the snags, I don't know exactly so much

-about them."

-

-"Don't know about the snags?" exclaimed the captain, contemptuously,

-"don't know about the snags! You'd make a pretty pilot!"

-

-At this Uncle Abe's countenance assumed anything but an angelic

-expression, and with a darkened brow and a fiercely flashing eye, he

-drew himself up to his full height, and indignantly roared back in a

-voice of thunder:

-

-"What do I want to know where the snags are for, old sea-hoss? I know

-where they ain't, and there's where I do my sailing!"

-

-It is sufficient to know that Uncle Abe was promptly engaged, and that

-the captain takes pleasure in saying that he proved himself one of the

-best pilots on the river.

-

-(Wonder if Uncle Abe has forgotten how to sail in clear water? A. A.)

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Valentine.

-

-Uncle Abe on the 14th of last February, received a valentine in the

-shape of a picture of the American eagle, with a financial allusion. The

-bird of freedom appeared to be engaged in picking up gold coin, while

-at the end of the bird most remote from his head there was a pile of

-"green-backs," into which this coin seemed to have been mysteriously

-transmuted.

-

-Uncle Abe, who takes such things philosophically, and always

-acknowledges a palpable hit with grace and good natured cheerfulness,

-went to his Secretary of the Treasury, to exhibit his bird, in order

-that the latter might enjoy the joke with him. Mr. Chase, however, was

-not disposed to take the matter in the same spirit Uncle Abe did; but

-appeared to be much out of humor at this hieroglyphical attack upon his

-department of the government. In tones in which there was evidently a

-slight admixture of irritability, he remarked to Uncle Abe that he would

-like to know who had made this unwarrantable attack upon his financial

-management of the affairs of the nation--that he feared that some of his

-subordinates had got up this libel upon him, and that he would give

-a hundred dollars to know who had done it. Uncle Abe? whose

-question-asking proclivities are well known, said that the offer seemed

-liberal; "but, Mr. Chase," said he, "before I shall make up my mind on

-this subject, will you allow me to ask you one question?" "Certainly,"

-replied the Secretary. "I merely wanted to understand," said Uncle Abe,

-"at which end of the bird you propose to pay?"

-

-"'Et tu Brute?'" responded the head of the Treasury department. "If I am

-thus to be made the subject of ridicule, I must renew my application to

-be relieved from my duties as Secretary."

-

-"O, never mind! never mind! Mr. Secretary," said Uncle Abe, "we can

-soon remedy all these difficulties. All we have to do, after we have

-suppressed this rebellion, is to turn the bird end for end, and let

-the gold and 'greenbacks' remain just as they are and all will come

-out right." The Secretary, restored to good humor, agreed not to resign

-unless Seward did.

-

-"That reminds me of a little story."

-

-

-

-

-"My Mary Ann."

-

-Many months ago the post commander at Cairo was a certain West Point

-colonel of a Northwestern regiment, noted for his soldierly qualities

-and rigid discipline. One day he passed by the barracks and heard a

-group of soldiers singing the well-known street piece, "My Mary Ann."

-An angry shade crossed his brow, and he forthwith ordered the men to

-be placed in the guard-house, where they remained all night The next

-morning he visited them, when one ventured to ask the cause of their

-confinement.

-

-"Cause enough," said the rigid colonel; "you were singing a song in

-derision of Mrs. Colonel B------."

-

-The men replied by roars of laughter, and it was some time before the

-choler of the Colonel could be sufficiently subdued to understand that

-the song was an old one, and sung by half the school-boys in the land,

-or the risibles of the men be calmed down to learn that the colonel's

-wife rejoiced in the name of "Mary Ann."

-

-Uncle Abe made the Colonel a Brigadier the moment he heard this story.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Honor.

-

-At one time Uncle Abe aspired to a position on the bench, and Mrs.

-Lincoln, so as to be prepared for the event, practiced the habit of

-calling her husband "his Honor," or "your Honor," as the case might be.

-Uncle Abe never, however, succeeded to the dignity of the ermine; but

-attending Circuit at Chicago, and stopping at the -------- Hotel, Mrs.

-L. accompanied her husband, as was her custom. Uncle Abe had donned a

-bran new pair of boots, which were anything but comfortable, and almost

-as uncertain as a pair of skates to a learner on the keenest of ice.

-Mrs. Lincoln was enjoying herself in the parlor in a chit-chat with a

-number of other ladies, and putting on as many airs as her provincial

-position in Springfield would admit, when a strange, rumbling sound

-disturbed the pleasant company, who rushed out to learn what was the

-matter. Lo and behold! there was Uncle Abe in the undignified

-predicament of tumbling down stairs and bumping the end of his spine

-upon every step. The new boots, or the swig of forty-rod which he had

-taken in his bed-room, had proved traitor to him. Mrs. Lincoln was

-nearly non-plussed, but exclaimed in a consoling voice, "Is your Honor

-hurt?"

-

-"No," said Uncle Abe, sitting gracefully on the carpet, with legs spread

-out amidst the bevy of tittering damsels, and rubbing the seat of his

-trowsers, "No, my honor is not hurt but my--my--my head is!"

-

-

-

-

-"Smoke That."

-

-During the session of the Legislature of Illinois, in 1836-7, the

-Sangamon County delegation of nine members, became known as the "Long

-Nine," from the fact of their remarkable average height. In this

-delegation were Uncle Abe, Gen. Baker, (killed at Bull's Bluff,) N. W.

-Edwards, (brother-in-law of Uncle Abe, and now Captain commissary,) and

-some others of note in their day. A law had passed the previous session

-to remove the capital from Vandalia to Springfield, to be carried out

-as soon as a new capitol could be built. In the meantime, Gen. W. L. D.

-Ewing, an influential Egyptian member, made periodical efforts to repeal

-the law and keep the capital at Vandalia. During the session of 1837,

-we had a regular tilt with the "long nine," during which, whenever Uncle

-Abe or Gen. Baker made a point, Ewing would be saluted with the cry

-"smoke that!" in allusion to "long nines," a popular kind of cigars used

-at that day. This probably gave rise to saying, "put that in your pipe

-and smoke it."

-

-

-

-

-A Sufficient Reason.

-

-Some one recently asked Uncle Abe why he didn't promote merit? "Because

-merit never helped promote me," said our Uncle Abe.

-

-

-

-

-The Boy and the Bear.

-

-A committee of the enemies of Mr. Chase called on the President just

-after the Pomroy circular was sent forth and advised him to purify his

-cabinet and let Chase go. Old Abe replied that "it is not so easy a

-thing to let Chase go. I am situated very much as the boy was who held

-the bear by the hind legs. I will tell you how it was. There was a very

-vicious bear which, after being some time chased by a couple of boys,

-turned upon his pursuers. The boldest of the two ran up and caught the

-bear by the hind legs, while the other climbed up into a little tree,

-and complacently witnessed the conflict going on beneath, between the

-bear and his companion. The tussel was a sharp one, and the boy, after

-becoming quite exhausted, cried out in alarm, 'Bill, for God's sake

-come down and help me let this darned bear go!' Now, gentlemen," said

-Mr. Lincoln, "you see what a fix I am in--it may be dangerous to hold on

-to Chase, but it will require more assistance than I see at present, to

-help me let him go."

-

-

-

-

-Too Deep.

-

-During the Black Hawk war, when the valiant Illinoisians were in

-hasty retreat from what they thought certain scalping, and the roads

-exclusively bad, in fact, unfathomable mud.--In this predicament,

-the corps in which Uncle Abe was, became somewhat scattered, when the

-officer commanding, called out to the men to form _two deep_. "Blast

-me!" shouted Abe from a slough, in which he was nearly buried, "I am too

-deep already; I am up to the neck."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's First Speech.

-

-When Uncle Abe first made his appearance in the Illinois House of

-Representatives, and was desirous of delivering his sentiments on a

-certain measure, he rose and began:--"Mr. Speaker, _I conceive_----" but

-could go no further. Thrice he repeated unsuccessfully the same attempt;

-when Douglas, who had more confidence, and had been a year longer in the

-House, completely dumbfounded Abe by saying: "Mr. Speaker, The honorable

-gentleman has _conceived three times, and brought forth nothing._"

-

-

-

-

-Cute.

-

-One night Uncle Abe came wet and cold to a cross road tavern in Indiana,

-and found the fire more thoroughly blockaded with Hoosiers than mother

-Welles has been able to blockade the Southern Confederacy. Abe ordered

-the landlord to carry his horse a peck of catfish. "He can't eat

-catfish," said Boniface. "Try him," said Abe, "there's nothing like

-trying." The crowd all rushed after the landlord to see Abe's horse

-eat the peck of catfish. "He won't eat them, as I told you," said the

-landlord, on returning. "Then," coolly responded Uncle Abe, who had

-squatted on the best seat, "bring them to me and I'll eat them myself."

-

-

-

-

-Abe's Spelling.

-

-Being asked by a client in Springfield why he spelled so badly in his

-law papers, Uncle Abe replied, "Because, the Suckers are so cussed mean

-they won't pay for good spelling."

-

-

-

-

-A Soldier's Theory of the War.

-

-The soldiers at Helena, in Arkansas, used to amuse the inhabitants of

-that place, on their first arrival, by telling them yarns, of which the

-following is a sample:

-

-"Some time ago Jeff. Davis got tired of the war and invited President

-Lincoln to meet him on neutral ground to discuss terms of peace. They

-met accordingly, and after a talk, concluded to settle the war by

-dividing the territory and stopping the fighting. The North took the

-Northern States, and the South the Gulf and seaboard Southern States.

-Lincoln took Texas and Missouri, and Davis Kentucky and Tennessee; so

-that all were parcelled off excepting Arkansas. Lincoln did'nt want

-it--Jeff, would'nt have it. Neither would consent to take it, and on

-that they split; and the war has been going on ever since."

-

-

-

-

-Nigger Mathematics.

-

-Uncle Abe was lately visited by one of the "On to Richmond" sword of

-Gideon gentry, who confidently expressed the hope, so common among the

-Abolition noodles, that Lee's army would be "bagged." Uncle Abe grinned

-to the utmost of his classic mouth, and remarked that he was afraid

-there would be too much "nigger mathematics" in it. The visitor smiled

-at the allusion, as he felt bound in politeness to do supposing there

-must be something in it, though he could not see the point. "But I

-suppose you don't know what 'nigger mathematics' is," continued Uncle

-Abe. "Lay down your hat a minute, and I'll tell you." He, himself,

-resumed the sitting posture leaned back in his chair, elevated his heels

-on the table, and went on with his story. "There was a darkey in my

-neighborhood, called Pompey, who, from a certain quickness in figuring

-up the prices of chickens and vegetables, got the reputation of being a

-mathematical genius. Johnson, a darkey preacher, heard of Pompey, and

-called to see him. 'Here ye're a great mat'm'tishum, Pompey.' 'Yes sar,

-you jas try.' 'Well Pompey, Ize compound a problem in mat'matics.' 'All

-right, sar.' 'Now, Pompey, spose dere am tree pigeons sittin' on a rail

-fence, and you fire a gun at'em and shoot one, how many's left?' 'Two,

-ob cooors,' replies Pompey after a little wool scratching. 'Ya-ya-ya,'

-laughs Mr. Johnson; 'I knowed you was a fool, Pompey; dere's _none_

-left--one's dead, and d'udder two's flown away.' "That's what makes me

-say," continued Uncle Abe, "that I am afraid there was too much nigger

-mathematics in the Pennsylvania campaign." And the result showed that in

-this instance, at least, the anecdote suited the fact. Lee's army was

-then three pigeons. One of them was taken down at Gettysburg, but the

-other two flew off over the Potomac.

-

-

-

-

-Long and Short of it.

-

-"Here I am, and here is Mrs. Lincoln, and that's the long and short

-of it."--_Speech of Mr. Lincoln from the balcony of the White House at

-Washington_.

-

-

-

-

-A Handy Faculty.

-

-Whilst Uncle Abe was passing, in his flat-boat, a small town on the

-Wabash, an old chum accosted him from shore thus:--

-

-"Uncle Abe, are you asleep?"

-

-"Why?"

-

-"Because, I want to borrow some whiskey."

-

-"Then" said Abe, "_I am asleep._"

-

-And he rolled over drowsily on the flat-boat, and it passed on.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe on Time.

-

-A Methodist dominie was lecturing Abe on his love of gambling. "Ah

-Abraham, it is a grievous sin--in the first place, consider the loss of

-time."

-

-"Yes," replied Uncle Abe, "I have often begrudged the loss of time--in

-_shuffling and dealing_."

-

-

-

-

-A Story that had no Reminder.

-

-During a conversation which took place between Uncle Abe and a

-distinguished western senator, the recent legislative nominations for

-the next presidency were incidentally referred to. "Yes," said Uncle

-Abe, nursing his leg with evident gratification--"yes senator, the

-current seems to be setting all one way!"

-

-"It does, really, seem to be setting all one way," was the answer of

-the senator; "but, Mr. Lincoln, as you have told me several good stories

-since I have been here, permit me if you please, to tell _you_ one.

-It has always been observed that the Atlantic Ocean, at the Straits

-of Gibraltar, constantly pours into the Mediterranean with tremendous

-volume. The Bosphorus empties into it, at its other end, and rivers are

-seen contributing to its waters all along its coast. It was for many

-years the constant puzzle of geographers, why the Mediterranean, under

-all these accessions, never got full, and overran its banks. After a

-while, however, a curious fellow took the notion of dropping a plummet

-in the center of the Straits, when, lo! he discovered that, though the

-tremendous body of water on the surface was rushing inward from the

-ocean, a still more powerful body was passing outward, in a counter

-current, some twenty feet below!"

-

-"Oh, ah!" said Uncle Abe, seriously, evidently nonplussed, for the first

-time in his life; "that _does not_ remind me of any story I ever heard

-before!"

-

-

-

-

-Has it "Gin Out?"

-

-We do not know what joke Uncle Abe made when he heard the news of the

-surrender of Plymouth. In regard to the Fort Pillow affair he made

-a Bunsby speech, but no joke. His last joke, of which we have any

-knowledge, occurred when Secretary Chase was starting on his trip to

-New York. Uncle Abe is like Cromwell without his military genius, and is

-very fond of playing practical jokes on his associates. It is said that

-after Cromwell had signed the warrant for the execution of King Charles

-he turned round to one of his colleagues and smeared his face with the

-ink. This he thought capital fun. Uncle Abe's jokes are of about the

-same quality. When Chase called upon him to say good bye, the Secretary

-of the Treasury asked for some information about the probable end of

-the war, saying it would help him greatly in getting more money in Wall

-street. "Do you want more money?" asked Lincoln, and then quickly added,

-"What! has the printing machine gin out?" This joke is fully equal to

-Cromwell's.

-

-

-

-

-A Major

-

-At one of Uncle Abe's levees recently, among the Company was a

-Pennsylvania Avenue tailor whom Abe recognized but could not name. "My

-dear Sir} I remember your face, but I forget your name," said Uncle Abe.

-The knight of the needle whispered confidentially into Uncle Abe's ear.

-"I made your breeches." Uncle Abe took him most affectionately by the

-hand and exclaimed enthusiastically "Major Breeches, I am happy to meet

-you at the White House!"

-

-

-

-

-A Dry Drop.

-

-A refugee from Richmond was telling Uncle Abe of the sad state of

-affairs reigning there. Among other things he said liquor was so scarce

-that the rebel President himself could scarcely get a drop to drink.

-

-"He ought not to have a drop _to drink_ in this world or the next," said

-Uncle Abe.

-

-"You are rather severe," replied the refugee.

-

-"Well," said Uncle Abe, "if you think a drop would do him good, let it

-be a drop from the scaffold."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe as a Physiognomist.

-

-While the western governors were in conversation the other day, one of

-them asked him if he remembered a certain Major of the ------ Illinois

-regiment.

-

-Uncle Abe replied that "he could'nt say that he did." The gentleman

-who addressed him then tried to jog the executive memory a little by

-mentioning a circumstance or two connected with the Major's history.

-Finally Uncle Abe remembered him very well--which fact he stated in

-the following graphic language: "O yes, I know who you mean. _It's that

-turkey egg faced fellow that you'd think did'nt know as much as a last

-year's bird's nest_." This was the very individual referred to. It will

-be seen that Uncle Abe has other fortes than statesmanship--and that of

-a physiognoist is one of them.

-

-

-

-

-The Concrete vs. the Abstract.

-

-Dick Yates, the jolly Governor of the Suckers, tells that he called

-on Uncle Abe one morning when he was trying to get the 88,000

-"Hundredazers" accepted, and that during their interview Uncle Abe

-remarked: "Yates, I'll tell you the difference between the concrete and

-the abstract. When the Senate passed a resolution requesting me not to

-appoint any more Brigadiers, as the vacancies were all full, that's the

-concrete. But when a Senator comes up here with a long petition and a

-longer face, requesting me to make a brigadier out of some scallawag of

-a friend of his, as it happens every day--I call that the abstract."

-

-

-

-

-Symptoms of Civilization.

-

-Uncle Abe and his chums were wrecked and swamped once on a trip to

-New Orleans, and having waded ashore, were in search of shelter and

-refreshment, without much prospect of success, in a thickly timbered

-bottom. They had traveled through the forest a long distance, and were

-in despair of finding any human habitation, when they discovered a negro

-hanging on the projecting limb of a tree. "The joy," said Abe, when

-telling the adventure, "which this cheering view excited, cannot be

-described, for it convinced us that we were in a _civilized country._"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe goes into Partnership.

-

-In the days when Uncle Abe plied the flat-boat business on the Wabash

-and Sangamon, he made it a practice to troll for catfish and dispose

-of them to the planters in Mississippi, when passing their plantations.

-This brought him quite a revenue, which was always expended for "forty

-rod" whisky, or the fish were traded off direct for that fluid chain

-lightning. Once while passing the plantation of Mr. Percy, he was bound

-to have some forty rod, and went ashore with a fine lot of fish. A large

-party were assembled at the mansion of the aristocratic Percy; when

-Julius Cæsar informed him that Uncle Abe was below with some very fine

-fish. "Well," said Percy, "give him his forty rod as usual, and let him

-go."

-

-"But sah, he won't take it dis time," said the darkey, "he wants a

-hundred lashes on the bare back, well laid on massa." Uncle Abe insisted

-to the surprise of every one on this strange price for his fish, and Mr.

-Percy to humor him, complied, directing the overseer to cut him gently.

-When Uncle Abe had received the fiftieth lash, he cried, "Hold! I have

-got a partner in this business, to whom I have engaged to give half of

-whatever I should get for the fish--this overseer would not admit me

-only on that condition." O course the overseer had his share well paid,

-and Abe got his forty-rod as usual, with something added.

-

-

-

-

-Abe Passing Counterfeit Money.

-

-

-One day a poor woman ran into Uncle Abe's law office in great fright

-exclaiming:--

-

-"Oh, Mr. Lincoln, my boy has swallowed a penny!"

-

-"Was it a counterfeit," coolly asked Mr. Lincoln.

-

-"No, certainly not," replied the woman, somewhat indignantly.

-

-"Oh! well, then _it will pass_, of course," said Uncle Abe.

-

-It is hardly necessary to add that the anxious mother went home

-comforted and that the boy who "swallowed the penny," at the last

-Presidentia-election voted for "Honest Old Abe."

-

-

-

-

-The Wrong Man Poulticed.

-

-At the famous watering place, of the Blue Lick Springs, Uncle Abe

-was severely afflicted with a pain in the stomach, which neither gin

-cock-tails nor other cordials could remove. It was night and he was in

-bed. His loving wife, unwilling to awake the domestics, descended to

-the kitchen, and prepared mustard poultice, which she spread on her own

-handkerchief, and proceeded with it to the distressed Uncle Abe. Before

-leaving him, she left a light dimly burning in the apartment; but deeply

-impressed with anxiety, she was not as careful as she might have been in

-noting the number of her room.

-

-Guided by a light which she saw shining in a chamber, and which she

-supposed was the one she had left, she entered, and gently raising the

-bed clothes, &c., laid the warm poultice upon a stomach but not the

-stomach of Uncle Abe.

-

-"Hello there! What the -------- are you about?" shouted a voice of

-thunder, and the body and sleeves? whence it issued, sprang out of bed.

-

-The lady screamed and ran; Uncle Abe rushed to the rescue from the next

-room, the waiters joined and a small scene ensued, much to the amusement

-of all concerned. The poulticed gentleman had indiscreetly left a light

-in his room, and this lured the lady from her path.

-

-Uncle Abe was so amused and excited by the mistake that he quite forgot

-his pains; but early the next morning, with his wife and trunks,

-left for Springfield, 111. The poulticed man still retains the

-handkerchief--a beautiful cambric--with the lady's name on it, the

-initials of Frances Amelia E. Todd.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe as School Superintendent.

-

-When Uncle Abe kept grocery on the Sangamon he was elected as School

-Superintendent out of his district. It was his duty to examine the

-applicant teachers on mathematics; which he once did in this wise in his

-grocery store. "If two pigs weigh twenty pounds how much will a large

-hog weigh."

-

-"Jump into the scales," said the weilder of the birch, "and I'll soon tell

-you."

-

-Abe did not examine him further in mathematics.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Nose.

-

-Uncle Abe being asked once why he walked so crookedly? said, "Oh my

-nose, you see, is crooked, and I have to follow it!"

-

-

-

-

-Take Away the Fowls.

-

-After Uncle Abe had studied law some time and whilst travelling in the

-Prairie country in Knox County, Illinois, he stopped at the house of

-Mrs. Galt, an old Scotch lady whose husband was largely engaged in wool

-growing. Abe at this time was beginning to be proud of his learning,

-especially of his pronunciation of English. Mrs. Galt when dinner was

-over desired the servant in waiting to take away the fowls, which she,

-(as is sometimes done in Scotland), pronounced _fools_, "I presume,

-madam, you mean fowls" said Abe rather sententiously. "Very well, be it

-so," said Mrs. Galt; "take away the _fowls_, but let the _fool_ remain!"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Well Fed.

-

-Old Whitey, Abe's school master, said to him angrily one day, "Abraham

-you are better fed than taught!"

-

-"Should think I was," said Abe, "as I feed myself and you teach me!"

-

-Uncle Abe says there is a good deal of the devil in the Rebels. They

-sometimes fight like him, frequently run like him, and always lie like

-him.

-

-

-

-

-A Man of Means.

-

-Uncle Abe was asked by a client whether his neighbor Brown was "a man of

-means."

-

-"Well I reckon he ought to be," said Abe, "for he is just the meanest

-man in Springfield."

-

-

-

-

-Call Again.

-

-When Uncle Abe was taken sick recently, and Mrs Lincoln had sent for

-the doctor; Uncle Abe, having an aversion to physic, said, he had better

-call another time, as he was too sick then to joke with him.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Swapped when a Baby.

-

-Abe when asked whether he could account for his excessive homeliness

-said "when I was two months old I was the handsomest child in Kentuck,

-but my nigger nurse swapped me off for another boy just to please

-a friend who was going down the river whose child was rather plain

-looking."

-

-

-

-

-Hit at Antietam.

-

-Another story of Uncle Abe, too good to be lost, has leaked out. It

-seems he had accompanied a young lady to one of the hospitals in

-the capitol where the sympathizing creature, as in duty bound became

-interested in a wounded soldier. To all her inquiries as to the location

-of the wound, however, she could only get one reply, thus: "My good

-fellow where were you hit!"

-

-"At Antietam."

-

-"Yes, but where did the bullet strike you?"

-

-"At Antietam."

-

-"But where did it hit you!"

-

-"At Antietam." Becoming discouraged, she deputized Uncle Abe to

-prosecute the inquiry, which he did successfully Upon his rejoining her,

-she was more curious than, ever, when the President, taking both her

-hands in his said in his most impressive style. "My dear girl, the ball

-that hit _him_, would not have injured _you_."

-

-

-

-

-A Poor Crop.

-

-An old acquaintance of Uncle Abe's called upon him a short time since

-with the view to getting hold of a contract. Uncle Abe told him that

-contracts were not what they were in Cameron's time. "In fact," said he,

-"they remind me now of a piece of meadow land on the Sangamon bottoms

-during a drouth."

-

-"How was that?" said the Sucker--"Why," said Abe, looking rather

-quizical, "the grass was so short that they had to lather before they

-could mow it."

-

-

-

-

-Handy in Case of Emergencies.

-

-During the fall of 1863, Uncle Abe was riding on the Virginia side of

-the Potomac, between Arlington Heights and Alexandria, accompanied by

-Dr. N-------- of New Jersey. Passing the huge earth-work fortifications,

-the Doctor observed: "Mr. President, I have never yet been enabled to

-discover the utility of constructing and maintaining those forts. What

-is your opinion about them?"

-

-"Well doctor," replied Uncle Abe, "you are a medical man! and I will ask

-you a question in the line of your profession. Can you tell me the use

-of a man's nipples?"

-

-"No I can't" said the doctor "Well I can tell you," said Uncle

-Abe,--"They would be mighty handy if he happened to have a child."

-

-

-

-

-Value of a Reputation.

-

-A client of Uncle Abe's was tried for stealing, in Springfield,

-Illinois, when it was satisfactorily proven that he had acknowledged the

-theft to several persons. Uncle Abe argued in behalf of his client that

-he was such an abominable liar that no one could believe him and the

-jury ought not to. The judge charged against the prisoner, but to his

-astonishment the jury brought in a verdict that the accused was entirely

-unworthy of belief; and he was therefore acquitted.

-

-

-

-

-Didn't Like the Name.

-

-A young U. S. Officer being indicted at Chicago, for an assault on

-an aged gentleman, Uncle Abe began to open the case thus: "this is an

-indictment against a soldier for assaulting an old man."

-

-"Sir," indignantly interrupted the defendant, "I am no soldier, I am an

-officer!"

-

-"I beg your pardon," said Abe, grinning blandly; "then, gentlemen of the

-jury, this is an indictment against _an officer_, who is _no soldier_,

-for assaulting an old man."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Good Bye.

-

-When Uncle Abe joined the Sangamon Militia and entered on the Black Hawk

-war campaign, his Colonel was a small snipe of a fellow about four feet

-three inches. Physically, of course, Uncle Abe looked down upon his

-Colonel. Abe had rather a slouching look and gait at that time, and

-attracted by his awkward appearance, the dapper little Colonel thus

-saluted the future Executive and manufacturer of both Colonels and

-Brigadiers. "Come, Uncle Abe, hold up your head; higher, fellow!"

-

-"Yes sir."

-

-"Higher, fellow--higher." Abe stretched his lank neck to its greatest

-altitudinous tension and said, "What--so, Sir?"

-

-"Yes, fellow, a little higher."

-

-"And am I always to remain so?"

-

-"Yes, fellow, certainly!"

-

-"Then," said Uncle Abe, with a woeful countenance, "good bye, Colonel,

-for I shall never see _you again!_"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Last.

-

-Yesterday a Western correspondent, in search for something definite in

-relation to the fighting now going on, stepped into the White House and

-asked the President if he had anything authentic from Gen. Grant.

-The President stated that he had not, as Grant, was like the man that

-climbed the pole and then pulled the pole up after him.-- _Washington

-Union, May 16_.

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Lincolniana, by Andrew Adderup

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-The Project Gutenberg EBook of Lincolniana, by Andrew Adderup

-

-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with

-almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or

-re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included

-with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org

-

-

-Title: Lincolniana

-       Or The Humors of Uncle Abe

-

-Author: Andrew Adderup

-

-Release Date: April 14, 2014 [EBook #45386]

-

-Language: English

-

-Character set encoding: ASCII

-

-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LINCOLNIANA ***

-

-

-

-

-Produced by David Widger from page images generously

-provided by the Internet Archive

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-LINCOLNIANA

-

-OR THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE

-

-By ANDREW ADDERUP

-

-1864

-

-[Illustration: 0001]

-

-[Illustration: 0003]

-

-[Illustration: 0005]

-

-

-Preface

-

-Is Joe Miller "complete?" I doubt it, maugre the pretenses of

-title-pages. An old joke is sometimes like a piece of painted glass in

-a kaleidoscope--every turn gives it a new aspect, and the new view is

-sometimes taken for the original phase. Perhaps this is true of some

-herein, although I am unconscious of that being so. If the accusation be

-made, try Uncle Abe first, for he is used to trials. As for me, I shall

-plead my privilege of telling you "the tale as it was told to me." But

-if these "little jokes" be not "sworn upon" for Miller, they shall stand

-for Uncle Abe--the writer hereof claiming only a godfathership. And

-others shall follow as fast as I glean them. To aid this purpose, let

-everybody who has a "good thing" send it to the publisher of this, and

-duly it will appear in the "complete" edition of Uncle Abe's jokes,

-always excepting the last, for the act of dying over will remind him of

-some little story with a _hic jacet_ moral.

-

-ANDREW ADDERUP.

-

-Springfield, Ill., April 1, 1864.

-

-

-

-

-LINCOLNIANA; OR, THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE,

-

-

-

-An Involuntary Black Republican.

-

-Sometime after Mr. Lincoln's well remembered passage of the rebel

-Rubicon at Baltimore, some radical Republicans, who thought they saw

-some signs of the President's backwardness in vindicating the Chicago

-platform, went in committee to the White House to beg him to carry out

-his principles--or rather to stretch them in Queen Dido's style.

-

-"I don't know about it, gentlemen," replied Uncle Abe; "with a pretty

-strong opposition at home and a rebellion at the South, we'd best push

-republicanism rather slow. Fact is, I'm worse off than old blind Jack

-Loudermill was when he got married on a short courtship. Some one asked

-him a few days after, how he liked his new position. 'Dunno,' said he;

-'I went it blind to start with, and ain't had a chance to feel my way to

-a conclusion yet.' So it is with me. Perhaps you can see further than I

-can, to me the future is dark and lowering; and we have now got to feel

-every step of our way forward. Making Republicans used to be hard work,

-and I don't see as I could do much at it now, unless I proselyte by

-giving fat offices to weak-kneed opponents; but that," continued

-Uncle Abe, with a sly look toward several of his old Illinois friends,

-"would'nt be quite fair to those who believe that 'to the victors belong

-the spoils.' Your idea about pushing things reminds me of the first

-_black_ Republican I ever made."

-

-And the President threw his left leg over his right and subsided into

-that air of _abandon_ which denotes his pregnancy of a good story.

-

-"You see, gentlemen," he began, "in my boyhood days, I had a slim chance

-for schooling, and did'nt improve what I did have. Occasionally a Yankee

-would wander into Kentuck, and open a school in the log building that

-was a church and school house as well, and keep it till he got starved

-out or heard of a better location. One Fall a bald headed, sour-visaged

-old man came along and opened the school, and my people concluded I must

-go; as usual the big boys soon began to test the master, who, though he

-was a patient Jeffersonian Republican, seemed very tyrannical to us. My

-good nature singled me out soon, as the scapegoat of the school, and I

-got more than my share of the birch: at least, my back was as good as an

-almanac, for every day of the week was recorded there. But, though this

-record of past time was no pastime to me, I could stand it better than I

-could the taunts and jibes of the boys out of school.

-

-"One morning when a half dozen of us were warming before the broad

-logwood fire, I noted a big fellow (who had got me flogged the day

-before) standing on the side opposite, his back to the blaze: both hands

-were partially open, one laid in the other; some would lay it to the

-devil, but it was only the spirit of revenge which prompted me to pick

-up a live coal, covered with ashes, and drop it into his hands. For a

-moment he did'nt mind it, but it burned all the deeper; when it did burn

-he jumped and bellowed like a stuck calf.

-

-"'Who made that noise?' Demanded old Whitey? the master.

-

-"'I made it,' replied the big fellow, rubbing his hands.

-

-"'Why?' more angrily demanded old Whitey.

-

-"'Some one put a coal of fire in my hand and burnt me,' sniffled the

-booby.

-

-"The big fellow, however, didn't know who did it. Some of the boys, who

-had a lurking pity for me, said it snapt into his hand; but the master

-'couldn't see it;' and at last it leaked out that 'Abe Lincoln done it.'

-

-"So you see, gentlemen," said Uncle Abe, moralizing, "I got the blame of

-a long score of supposititious shortcomings by one act of my own, pretty

-much as I had to bear the sins of my whole party in the late canvass,

-because of a few sins of my own."

-

-"'Abraham, come up here!' thundered the master, (By the way, gentlemen,

-my people always called me Abe--my wife still calls me plain Abe--but

-that old fellow called me _Abraham_ so often and so severely that I

-early dropped all claim to a definite appellative, and chose to be

-indefinitely 'A. Lincoln.') * But to go on. I got a deserved threshing

-that time, and a reputation withal for wickedness that saved all the

-little rogues in school. At last, however, I determined to be even with

-old Whitey, somehow.

-

-"It wasn't long till I worked out an idea. Just over the master's desk

-was a rude shelf, upon which he kept some books and a big-bellied bottle

-of ink, which some admirer of his Jeffersonian-Republican principles had

-presented him. I had observed that in stepping upon his desk platform,

-he never touched or moved his chair, beyond leaning back in it, which

-he always did, after taking his seat. So next day I robbed our old

-long-tailed white horse of a few hairs and braided them in a three

-stranded cord. While the master was gone out to his dinner, I put the

-thin glass ink bottle upon the edge of the shelf propped a-cant, and

-tied one end of the cord to the bottle, and the other end to the back

-of his chair. The boys sympathized with me, and were in an extacy of

-delight. Anon the master came. Without looking to the right or left, he

-marched sternly to the chair, and hence saw not the repressed titter of

-expectation that was ready to burst over the whole room. I stood just

-outside of the door expecting the result; he sat down and then leaned

-back. Down came the bottle, deluging the bald head in a shower

-of Stygian blackness! Yes, gentlemen, I fancy that was the first

-_black_ Republican ever made in Kentuck, but the conversion was too

-sudden."

-

-"How was that?" queried Cassius M. Clay.

-

-"Why," replied Uncle Abe, "he afterwards married a widow and----twelve

-negroes."

-

-     * When Mr. Lincoln was nominated, very many papers ran up

-     the name of "Abram Lincoln."

-

-

-

-

-The Wrong Pig by the Ear.

-

-I never knew a flash phrase worse used up than was one by Uncle Abe

-attending one of the neighboring Circuit Courts above Springfield. He

-was employed to aid a young County Attorney to prosecute some reputed

-hog thieves. The crime of hog stealing had become so common that the

-people were considerably excited and an example was determined on. The

-first person tried was acquitted on a pretty clear _alibi_ or pretty

-hard swearing. As the fellow thus acquitted was lounging round the Court

-House, Uncle Abe was passing, and he hailed him.

-

-"Well Mr. Lincoln, I reckon you got the wrong sow by the ear when you

-undertook to pen me up."

-

-"So it seems," replied Uncle Abe, blandly, "but really you must excuse

-me, pigs are so very much alike! In fact, people up here don't all seem

-to know their own."

-

-

-

-

-"Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln Live."

-

-In "Clay times," as the old farmers of Sangamon still recall the period

-of Henry Clay's powerful canvass for the Presidency, Uncle Abe had a

-wide circuit practice. In travelling to the various courts, he generally

-drove a horse and vehicle that some people will still remember. The

-horse had belonged to an undertaker, and the "funeral business,"

-together with years, had made him a grave and staid animal. His

-_physique_ presented those angularities that characterized his master,

-but unlike his owner, he was never known to perpetrate a joke or indulge

-in a "horselaugh." The vehicle was neither buggy, nor Jersey wagon,

-but had become, by virtue of alterations and repairs, what Uncle Abe

-afterwards described the Union under the plan of free and Slave States

-"neither one thing or the other." There was in fact an "eternal

-fitness" in horse and man that was not exactly a "standing joke," but a

-peripatetic one.

-

-I would give all my expectation of a brigadiership for a portrait of

-Uncle Abe seated in this strange "turnout," as he "might have been seen"

-wending his meditative way across the prairies.

-

-About this time Uncle Abe was nominated for Congress in the Sangamon.

-Yet he did not forego his business, but prosecuted his legal course, as

-well as all evil-doers who chanced to fall into his hands. He had

-just started on a circuit trip, to be gone a month. Often, since Mr.

-Lincoln's nomination for Congress, had Mrs. Lincoln begged him to add

-a second story to their humble dwelling, but he pleaded poverty. But a

-relation of Mrs. Lincoln's having died in Kentucky leaving her a

-small legacy, she determined her husband should have a house worthy a

-candidate for Congress. Doubtless she felt an inward satisfaction at the

-thought of furnishing a good surprise for her husband on his return. So

-she at once bought material, set mechanics at work, and in three weeks

-metamorphosed the dwelling into what political pilgrims to Springfield

-in 1860 will remember as a neat, two-story, clay-colored residence.

-

-Uncle Abe arrived home just after dark, and drove up to what he thought

-to be Eighth street, but not seeing his house, and thinking he had made

-a mistake, he drove round on to the next street. Recognizing the houses

-there; he again drove around to Eighth, and, passing his own house,

-recognized that occupied by W------n, a clever tailor, who was standing

-at his own gate.

-

-"Why, is that you, Wilkie?" (said Uncle Abe patronizingly.) W------n,

-assured him of his own identity, "Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln

-live now."

-

-"Well," said W------n, "The Loco's say he's so sure of his election that

-he's gone to Washington to select his seat; but Mrs. Lincoln lives now

-in that beautiful new two-story house you have just passed." Uncle Abe

-indulged in a quaint laugh, and then turned his ancient horse around,

-alighted and asked if Mrs. Lincoln lived in the house before which he

-stood. Mrs. Lincoln received him as a fond woman should receive her

-lord, and the return was the cause of much pleasant badinage in social

-circles.

-

-

-

-

-Too Literal Obedience.

-

-Gen. McClellan was complaining to Uncle Abe of one of his division

-commanders, who had literally obeyed an order publicly given for the

-purpose of hood-winking the rebels through the aid of the numerous

-undetected spies known to lurk in the camp as well as the capital.

-

-"That reminds me of a little story--a little thing that happened to me

-when I was out in the Black Hawk war," said Uncle Abe.

-

-"You see, after we brought the Foxes to terms, they were as sweet as

-wild honey. The women especially tried to make a good thing out of the

-defeat of their braves, by selling us moccasins, deerskin breeches, &c.

-One squaw in particular, made beautiful breeches, and I concluded to

-have a pair made. How she was to fit my spindles, puzzled me at first,

-as the Indians are no tailors in any _measurable_ degree. At last I

-bethought me of an old pair which I had in my saddle bag, and these I

-gave to her that she might rip them open and use the parts for patterns.

-When she brought the new ones home, I was not a little angry to find

-that she had exactly imitated the old patch on the nether parts of the

-new breeches."

-

-Little Mac smiled in his peculiar grave way, and remarked that when he

-gave an order for a similar purpose, he would tell this story by way of

-a hint.

-

-

-

-

-How Uncle Abe Felt.

-

-Soon after Uncle Abe's defeat by Judge Douglas in 1848, (whereby Douglas

-unwittingly made a President) some one asked Uncle Abe how he felt over

-the result.

-

-"Well," said he, "I feel a good deal like a big boy I knew in Kentuck.

-After he'd got a terrible pounding by the school master, someone asked

-him how he felt? 'Oh! said he, it hurt so awful bad, I couldn't laugh,

-and I was too big to cry over it.' That's just my case."

-

-It is presumed the questioner got an idea how a defeated politician

-feels.

-

-

-

-

-P.P.P.

-

-Soon after the advent of Uncle Abe at the White House, the pressure of

-aspirants for official positions was perfectly crushing.

-

-In fact, Uncle Abe sometimes got so flustered by their bedevilment, that

-he not only failed to recollect an illustrating anecdote, but soon lost

-his temper.

-

-One of the Illinois applicants--a fellow named Jeff.

-

-D------r, was particularly a bore, seeming to think it part of the

-Chicago platform to give every village politician an office.

-

-"Seems to me, Jeff," said Uncle Abe, "you got the Chicago platform

-reduced to enormous brevity--in fact, just three p's would seem to

-express your idea of it."

-

-"How's that, Mr. Lincoln?" inquired-Jeff.

-

-"Why, it looks to me as if it was patriotism, place and plunder, and a

-mighty important plea is the last one, I reckon."

-

-Jeff was silent for a while, but bored on until he "struck ile" in the

-shape-of a clerkship.

-

-

-

-

-Rattaned for a Rat Joke.

-

-Just after the retreat of the rebels from Bull Run, when it leaked

-out that our troops had been held at bay by wooden or Quaker guns, a

-Pennsylvanian Congressman remarked to Uncle Abe--"Well, Mr. Lincoln, you

-see that Quaker principles even embodied in wood may be of some service

-in war."

-

-"Yes, but as you see in that shape, they are only substituted

-principles; such things may do once, but found out, they will avail

-worse than nothing. Your remark, however, 'reminds me of a little

-story.'

-

-"When I was a youngster of fifteen or so, I went to an 'Academy' for a

-few weeks, just to brush up my old-field school learning. Such schools

-are called Academies in the East, to distinguish their intermediate

-position between colleges and common schools; but in Kentuck and

-the West, generally the high sounding title merely meant that the

-'principal' taught a few branches ahead of the old-field schools. Well,

-the rats were thick about the old building where we daily gathered

-to reap the fruit of knowledge; and as many of the boys brought their

-dinners and threw the fragments under their old-fashioned box desks,

-they soon grew as bold as they were thick. The teacher had a mortal

-antipathy to rats, and as I didn't 'take' to the teacher, I naturally

-encouraged the rats. Whenever one showed himself, he was sure to get a

-whack from the old teacher's rattan. Sometimes he missed his aim at the

-rats, but never at us boys, which was owing, perhaps, to the difference

-in the size of the game.

-

-"An industrious rat had made a hole from beneath the floor up under my

-desk, and thence out through the end, and as I fed him well he was quite

-tame. Often during school hours he would come up and peer out into the

-aisles through his hole in the end of the desk, and whenever he was seen

-by the teacher, he was sure to see the rattan whirling in the air. An

-idea struck me one day. I got a dead rat--I did not like to kill my

-pet--and stuffing it, made quite a good-looking 'Quaker' rat. Then I

-fixed some springs so I could work my rat out and in at pleasure; so

-whenever the teacher was looking up, my rat was always out; but when

-the whack came down, he was in betimes. At last he seemed to think it

-wondrous tame, and the ill-suppressed titter of the school boys finally

-made him suspicious. The boys had been let into my secret, and relished

-it hugely, and I was too prone to give a few exhibitions. At last the

-teacher watched me sharper than he did the rat, and then caught me in

-the act. He got hold of the rat and beat me alternately with rat and

-switch, and you may well guess, I was well rattaned. If soldiers who use

-wooden guns ever get worse usage, I pity them."

-

-The 300 Pounder Parrot since used by the Government, shows Uncle Abe's

-poor appreciation of Quaker guns and Quaker principles.

-

-

-

-

-The State House Struck by Whiggery.

-

-Soon after the State House at Springfield was erected, in 1840, Mr.

-Lincoln stood on the east side of the Capitol Square one day, in

-conversation with a Democratic friend, who was loth to believe that the

-Whigs could carry the State for "Tip and Ty."

-

-"Nothing is more morally certain," said Uncle Abe. "All the signs of

-the times point to it, and--why even the State House is struck with

-Whiggery" he said, pointing up under the eves, where is yet seen a

-remarkable representation of a "coon" in the stone.

-

-

-

-

-Graphic and True.

-

-When Hon. Emerson Etheridge escaped from Tennessee during the summer

-of 1862, his opinions on Tennessee affairs were eagerly listened to in

-Washington. Among other questions, Uncle Abe asked:

-

-"Do the Methodist clergy in your State take to secession?"

-

-"Take? Why, sir, they take to it like a duck to water, or a sailor to a

-duff kid."

-

-

-

-

-A Judge of the Post Office.

-

-Judge David Davis of Bloomington, Illinois, who was recently appointed

-(by Uncle Abe) to a position on the bench of the Supreme Court of

-the United States, is known to many of his friends as one of the best

-hearted men in the world. His, is withal, full of the piety of good

-humor. I call it "piety," because I think a smiling face is a perpetual

-thanksgiving to God. His benevolence, however, edges down his wit, and

-gives it more the characteristic of humor, strictly speaking. This,

-while it may have helped that "belly with fat capon lined," has kept him

-at peace with himself and the world.

-

-On one occasion, while Judge Davis was presiding at the Logan County

-Circuit Court, a case came up that involved a question of postal law.

-Uncle Abe was on the case, and politely loaned Judge D. a small manual

-of postal law, that he might see for himself what the letter of the

-law was. The Judge gave his understanding of the law, but had hardly

-finished when Mr. S------s, a burley farmer from Clear Creek, jumped up

-and sang out--

-

-"I reckon that ain't so, Judge. I've been Post-Master more'n a dozen

-years, and I reckon I ought to know what's Post Office law."

-

-Of course Judge Davis had every right to fine the man for contempt, but

-he had a different way of treating such cases. "With a tone in which

-sarcasm only slightly blended, he said:

-

-"Truly, I think you ought, Mr. S------s. It has never been my privilege

-to be a Post-Master, and I would like your opinion in this case. Please

-step this way."

-

-The Judge moved over and made room on the bench, which Mr. S------s

-occupied, and proceeded to give _his_ opinion on the mooted question.

-The bar sat smiling in expectation.

-

-"Keep your seat, Mr. S------s, while I speak a word with my friend

-Parks."

-

-Uncle Abe it was who had been interrupted, so he resumed:

-

-"May it please the Court, I had some doubt on this point myself, so

-I borrowed the usual manual of Postal Law, to be perfectly assured.

-I regret to contend that the clear letter of the law conflicts--sadly

-conflicts--with the view just taken by Judge S------s;" but here the bar

-indulged in a quiet "smile" without a stick in it, and it just popped

-into Mr. S------'s head, that he was out of place, and he skedaddled in

-haste.

-

-"The largest _pussie_ Judge that sat on our bench," remarked Will Wyatt.

-From that day to this, Mr. S------s, has never lost the title he so

-suddenly gained.

-

-

-

-

-I'm an Inderlid.

-

-One day while Uncle Abe was attending to a case at Mount Pulaski, (the

-country seat of Logan County, Illinois,) he was beset by old B------s,

-a worthy farmer, but a notorious malaprop, for an opinion as to his

-amenability to the road tax. "You look here, Mr. Lincoln, these fellows

-here want to make me work on the road."

-

-"Well!" said Uncle Abe.

-

-"Well, I tells them that they can't do it, cause I'm an _inderlid_, you

-see."

-

-(Of course Uncle Abe concurred in B------s opinion, and forgot to charge

-a fee.)

-

-"On another occasion, he wanted John G. Gillette, the great cattle

-dealer, to _proximate_ him because he'd got the best pair of cattle

-scales in Logan County."

-

-

-

-

-How Uncle Abe got his Sobriquet.

-

-Some one ventured to ask Uncle Abe, soon after his arrival at the White

-House, how he got the sobriquet of "Honest Abe."

-

-"Oh," said he, "I suppose my case was pretty much like that of a country

-merchant I once read of. Some one called him a 'little rascal.' 'Thank

-you for the compliment,' said he. 'Why so?' asked the stigmatizer.

-'Because that title distinguishes me from my fellow tradesmen, who are

-all _great_ rascals.'"

-

-"So honest lawyers were so scarce in Illinois that you were thus

-distinguished from them?" persisted the questioner.

-

-"Well," quoth Uncle Abe, glancing slyly at Douglas, Sweet, and others

-from Illinois, "it's hard to say where the honest ones are."

-

-

-

-

-"I'll take Number Eleven too."

-

-Thirty-five or forty years ago, a trip from Sangamon or Macon County, to

-St. Louis, was an event to be talked of. It took as long to make it, and

-furnished food for as much rustic enquiry and comment, as does a voyage

-to Europe now. Uncle Abe had then given up rail-splitting, and was

-studying law. Having a little while before treated himself to a (then)

-rare thing, a suit of "store clothes;" and a neighbor being about to

-leave for St. Louis, he resolved to go along. As the teams toiled on at

-the rate of fifteen or twenty miles a day, they were gradually joined by

-others, till the train presented somewhat the sights now to be seen on

-our great overland routes to the Pacific.

-

-On arrival at St. Louis, Abe determined to see high life, and

-accordingly made tracks for a letter A. No. 1, first class Hotel.

-The Old City Hotel was then the only house that could claim that

-distinction. There the merchants congregated, and there the Indian

-trader sought relaxation from frontier hardships, while the rough

-trapper was content with the humble fare of the "Hunter's Home."

-

-I forget what association called out this reminiscence of that trip; but

-there can be no harm in repeating the story. Such mishaps have befallen

-incipient greatness before.

-

-At the dinner table, each waiter was provided with a wine card, and each

-guest had his wine charged to the number of his room, simply calling

-out, as for instance, Sherry No. 9, &c. A jolly Indian trader, sat just

-opposite Abe, who betimes called "Claret, No 11." Abe saw that most of

-the guests were similarly providing for themselves, and concluded not to

-appear penurious, so he said he'd take some wine too.

-

-"What kind, sah?" asked the waiter.

-

-"Oh, I'll take the same,"--pointing to the bottle just called for by the

-Indian trader.

-

-"What number, sah?"

-

-Abe was puzzled. Ho had not been used to wine or hotel life; but it was

-only a moment before he broke the ice.

-

-"Oh, I'll just take No. 11 too."

-

-The trader looked up surprised, while several others near by, smiled a

-faint comprehension as to the state of affairs.

-

-"Why, young man," said the trader, "that is my number, and mine is a

-single room."

-

-"I beg pardon," stammered Abe, conscious that he had betrayed rusticity

-and ignorance; but not knowing exactly how to extricate himself, the

-good-hearted trader came to his aid--

-

-"Were you ever in the city before?" asked he.

-

-"Never before."

-

-"Well, then, in memory of your advent, it shall be No. 11 too," and he

-quietly pushed the bottle across the table. So agreeable was he that

-Abe rallied, and the second bottle followed the fate of the first. On

-renewing the conversation after dinner, the trader was satisfied that

-Abe had 'lots' of 'horse sense,' but little of worldly experience,

-and he friendlily invited him to go out with him as a clerk; but, Abe

-declined. Had he gone--what? Perhaps he might have become a respectable

-Indian trader--perhaps he never had been elected President, and perhaps

-we would have had no rebellion.

-

-

-

-

-A Severe Retort.

-

-Uncle Abe took a great liking to the late Col. Ellsworth, and afterwards

-did him the honor of making a Colonel of him. The rebel Jackson did

-the rest, but enough of that. Many of our readers will recall the

-slim, spruce figure of Col. Ellsworth as he paraded the streets

-of Springfield, dressed in a unique Zouave uniform, a mere boy in

-appearance. He was full of animal spirits. He and Bob O'Lincoln were

-cutting up didoes in the Law office of Lincoln and Hornden, which

-greatly annoyed Uncle Abe, and he gently reproved them. Bob, a little

-nettled, replied by quoting the common couplet:

-

-``"A little nonsense now and then,

-

-``Is relished by the wisest men."

-

-"Yes," said Uncle Abe, looking severely at Bob, "that's the difference

-between a wise man and a fool who relishes it all the time."

-

-Bob subsided, and Ellsworth betook himself anew to Blackstone.

-

-

-

-

-Had all the Time there Was.

-

-When Uncle Abe used to attend the Courts in the regions round about

-Sangamon, he generally made easy stays, and was wont to look at the

-country and talk to the people at his leisure. On one occasion he

-was riding by the premises of old H------, who was notorious for his

-unthriftiness, and who was in the act of driving some stray hogs out of

-his corn-field.

-

-"Good morning, Mr. H------," said Uncle Abe.

-

-"Morning, Mr. Lincoln, morning."

-

-"Why don't you mend that piece of fence thoroughly, Mr. H------, and

-keep the pigs out?" asked Uncle Abe.

-

-"Ha'n't got time," said H------.

-

-"Why," said Uncle Abe, with an air of blended reproof and humor, "you've

-got all the time there is Mr. H------."

-

-Whether H------ mended his fence and his thriftless habits, this

-deponent knoweth not; but has often thought how true was the remark,

-whether as a joke or an admonition. Every second, minute or hour is

-ours--ours to use or ours to squander. How wontonly wasteful would be

-the rich man who should stand upon a vessel's deck and cast his million

-golden coins into the sea; yet day after day we stand upon the shores of

-eternity, and cast the golden moments into the unreturning past. All the

-knowledge and wealth of the world is but the result of improved time. So

-don't say you "havn't got time," for you've got all there is, as Uncle

-Abe says.

-

-

-

-

-Could Stand it a Day or Two,

-

-About the time this occurred, there stood on one side of Capitol Square,

-in Springfield, a Hotel, now doubtless out of memory of most of the

-occupants of the out-lots and additions which speculators have hitched

-to the original village. In its day it was a "first-class hotel," but

-it waned before the "American" and is now among the "things that were."

-There were some who doubted the cleanliness of the _cuisine_, and

-"thereby hangs a tale."

-

-Judge Brown arrived in town and put up at the aforesaid hotel, whereat,

-Uncle Abe, on meeting him, expressed his regret, begging him to become

-_his_ guest. The Judge would fain not trouble his friend.

-

-"But you know the reputation of the place--the kitchen?" said Uncle Abe.

-

-"I've heard of it," said the Judge; "but as I want to keep my appetite,

-I always shun the kitchen, if not the cooks."

-

-"But surely, can't you see by the table alone, Judge?"

-

-"I know, Mr. Lincoln, but I'm going to stop only a day or two, and I

-guess I can stand for that time what the landlord's family stand all

-their lives."

-

-Speaking of Hotels, reminds me of a little episode of one of Uncle

-Abe's professional visits to Cairo, in Egypt, a town fenced in with

-mud-banks and celebrated for its mud-holes and mean whisky. Thereabouts

-is a Hotel, and thereat Uncle Abe stopped because the water forbade

-further traveling. When his bill was presented to him next morning,

-he ventured to remark, "that his accommodation had not been of the most

-agreeable kind."

-

-"We are very much crowded," apologetically replied the landlord.

-

-"But I had hard work to get breakfast this morning."

-

-"Yes," continued the apologist, "we are greatly in need of help."

-

-"Well, well," said Uncle Abe, "you keep a first rate hotel in one

-respect."

-

-"Ah!" said the landlord, brightening up, "in what respect is that?"

-

-"Your bills," said Undo Abe, vanishing towards the "Central" cars.

-

-The Ky-ro-ite landlord perhaps thought he ought to be well compensated

-for keeping a hotel in such a place. A man of his sort used to "keep

-tavern" in Pasy County, Indiana, several years ago. A pedestrian stopped

-with him over night, for which the charge was 2.50.

-

-"Why, landlord," said he, "this is an outrageous bill."

-

-"You mean it's a big'un?" said the insatiate Boniface.

-

-"Yes, I do."

-

-"Well, stranger, we keep tavern here."

-

-"What has that to do with such a bill?"

-

-"Look at that'ere sign, stranger--cost ten dollars; your'n the fust

-trav'ler that's bin along for three weeks, and we can't afford to keep

-tavern for nothin--_we_ can't!"

-

-

-

-

-Not the Worst of it.

-

-Gov. Morgan, of New York, was urging the employment of General W------in

-active service, Seward objected, that he was "too old" for the emergency

-of the times.

-

-"Yes," said Uncle Abe, "we've got too many old officers in the army, and

-that is not the worst of it--_we've got two many old women_ there!" This

-was when Uncle Abe's faith was strong in little Mac.

-

-"Some conclusions;" said Uncle Abe on one occasion, "are nonsequential.

-To say that Rome was not built in a day, does not prove that it was

-built in a night."

-

-

-

-

-Accoutred en Militaire.

-

-In the outset of the famous Black-hawk war in Illinois, a "hoss company"

-was raised in the region where Uncle Abe was (then) a rising lawyer.

-I say rising, although he had then reached a height sufficient to

-help himself to most blessings--and he, the aforesaid U.A., was chosen

-Captain. Uncle Abe rode a "slapping stallion," who was either naturally

-restive, or appreciated his new honor too highly--at any rate, he

-corvetted and pirouetted like a very Bucephalus. At last he unhorsed

-his rider, who landed sprawling on the prairie in one of those green

-excrescences that abound where bovine herds range. As the discomfitted

-Uncle Abe rose, and surveyed his predicament, old Pierre Menard, who was

-a near spectator, remarked in his broken French:

-

-"Vell, I nevair sees any man accoutred en militaire like zat before."

-

-Most old suckers pronounce accoutred as the Yankees do the word

-cowcumber, and this rendered Menard's joke more unctious.

-

-

-

-

-Perils of Illinois Lawyers.

-

-Years ago, when the capital of Suckerdom was a village of less

-"magnificence" than it now presents--when Lincoln, Harden, Baker,

-McDougal, Douglas, Shields and Ferguson were all village lawyers, and

-scarcely known to fame--Judge Thomas Brown was on the Supreme bench

-of the State. He was to some extent a "character;" but not a very

-successful lawyer. He went to California, since when he has been

-generally lost sight of; but his old friends may be assured that if he

-is in the "land of the living," Uncle Abe's tax collectors will find

-him. But that's neither here nor there. His ideas of the perils of

-practicing law in Illinois, in early times, is what is now before the

-reader.

-

-On one occasion, after he had changed his residence to Peoria, having

-some business to transact in Springfield, he arrived in that place and

-put up at the old American House, (now kept by Henry Bidgely, Esq.)

-He chanced to mention the name of Peoria. Instantly the attention of a

-countryman was fixed, upon him, who, at the first opportunity accosted

-him--

-

-"From Peoria, Squar?"

-

-"Yes."

-

-"Much acquainted?"

-

-"Pretty well, Sir."

-

-"Know a lawyer up there named H------g R------s?"

-

-"Yes sir."

-

-"How's he getting along?"

-

-"Oh, first rate--devilish lucky man."

-

-"He's getting hold of considerable land, hain't he?"

-

-"Yes a deal--devilish lucky man.

-

-"Yes--large--devilish lucky man."

-

-"Look here, Squar," said the countryman, evidently puzzled at R------s

-being so devilish lucky.

-

-"What do you mean about his being so lucky?"

-

-"Mean? why I call any man lucky that practices law twenty years in

-Illinoiss, and don't get into the penitentiary."

-

-

-

-

-Couldn't Make a Presidential Chair.

-

-"Mr. Lincoln," said an ardent sovereignty man just at the beginning of

-the last Presidential contest "Mr. Douglas is a cabinet maker."

-

-"He _was_ when I first knew him," said Uncle Abe "but he gave up the

-business so long ago, that I don't think he can make a Presidential

-chair now." Uncle Abe proved himself a prophet, although at a tremendous

-cost to the country.

-

-

-

-

-"Couldn't see It in that Light."

-

-A delegation of temperance men recently sought to influence Uncle Abe to

-take some stringent steps to suppress intemperance in our armies. Among

-other reasons urged, they said our armies were often beaten because of

-intemperance.

-

-"Is that so?" said Undo Abe. "I've heard on all sides that the rebels

-drink more than our boys do, and I can't see why our boys, who drink

-less, are more liable to get whipped."

-

-"But you know the corrupting influence of the army in regard to drinking

-habits," pursued the Committee.

-

-"I've heard that, too," said Uncle Abe, "but I think they will do pretty

-well _if I can keep them out of Washington!_"

-

-The Committee didn't carry their measure, by a jug full.

-

-

-

-

-Too Tough for the Rebels.

-

-When the Illinois boys gathered at Springfield, under the call of the

-ten regiment bill, they were quartered on the fair grounds, just out

-of the city. All the stalls were filled with troops, before which were

-signs as "St. Nicholas," "Richmond House," etc., etc. Charley W------,

-on going through the fair grounds, looked into the "Richmond House," and

-said--

-

-"Well, boys, how do you get along?"

-

-"Oh, first rate," replied the Chicagoians, "we're all _stall fed_."

-

-"Bully for you," said Charley; "hope you'll be too tough for the

-rebels."

-

-

-

-

-Little Mac Helped by an Illustration.

-

-"I can't seem to reap any advantage from the rebel movements," said

-McClellan, in consultation with Uncle Abe.

-

-"Oh, you just keep a watchful, careful eye on Leer and perhaps you will

-yet see how to make use of them, as old Mother Grundy did of her crooked

-wood."

-

-"Thereby hangs a tale," remarked little Mac, with one of his peculiar,

-quaint smiles.

-

-"You're right, General. Your remark reminded me of a good old

-neighbor of my father's, in Kentucky, who died many years ago. She was

-sweet-tempered--few such in this world." Uncle Abe stopped as though a

-mental comparison had damaged some woman of his acquaintance. "Yes, her

-disposition was of that kind that extracts 'good from things evil.' And

-she was her husband's pride and boast. One day he was praising her to a

-neighbor."

-

-"'Look here, old man Grundy,' said the neighbor 'these women are just

-like cats--they are all right as long as you stroke the fur the right

-way, but reverse the movement, and you'll see the fire fly. Now, I'll

-tell you what, I bet a four-gallon keg of my four-year-old peach, that I

-can tell you how to make her as mad as a set-hen, if you dare to try."

-

-"'Done,' cried old man Grundy.

-

-"'Well, you just haul home all the crookedest sticks of wood you can

-find, and then see.'

-

-"Old man Grundy brought home a small load every day or two, and it was

-knotty and crooked as a pigs-tail; but not a word or look of complaint.

-For a week this continued, with the same result, when he asked the good

-wife how she liked the wood."

-

-"'Oh,'tis beautiful wood,' said she; 'it burns finely, and then it fits

-_around my pots and kettles just, as if 'twas made on purpose_.'"

-

-Lee did not fit into Mac's hand so well, yet the story was not without

-its use to him.

-

-

-

-

-An Acre of Fight.

-

-During the progress of the Senatorial campaign between Douglas and

-Lincoln, Uncle Abe came home to recreate a few days. Douglas, long used

-to the political arena, bore the fatigues of the canvass like a veteran.

-His custom was to bathe just after supper, getting some friend to rub

-him like a race horse, when he would sit down and enjoy his whisky

-and cigar. Lincoln, lank and abstemious, bore his yoke with evident

-weariness. But to the story.

-

-Uncle Abe went up into the Governor's room in the State House, where he

-was soon joined by many of the leading Republicans of the town. Some one

-remarked on his look of weariness. "It is a mighty contest," remarked

-Uncle Jesse Du Bois.

-

-"But Mr. Lincoln does not show his great appreciation of it upon the

-stand," remarked a Chicago correspondent, in allusion to Uncle Abe's

-good humored replies to Douglas.

-

-"But still, when the day's gladiatorial combat is over, it seems to

-me, as the Kentucky fellow said, that I had been through 'an acre of

-fight.'"

-

-"Give us that story, Abe," said Dr. Wallace, Uncle Abe's brother-in-law.

-

-"Well, one of my earliest recollections of a Kentucky Court, was a trial

-about a fight. It took place in the Court House grounds, and the Judge,

-thinking it constructable as a contempt of Court, sent out the Sheriff,

-and had the parties quickly brought before him. Both had bruised noses

-and beavers, and showed the unmistakable evidence of having been in

-a scrimage. The witnesses were numerous, and the evidence was so

-conflicting, that the Judge declared he could legally reach no other

-conclusion than that there had _been no fight at all_. But the Sheriff

-ventured to suggest:

-

-"Here's Jim Blowers--he had hold on one of them fellers, when I arrested

-them."

-

-"Mr. Clerk," said the Judge, "you will at once swear Mr. Blowers."

-

-"Now, Mr. Blowers," said the Clerk, "you will please tell the Court what

-you know about this affair."

-

-"Well, ax on."

-

-"Well, was there a fight between these parties?"

-

-"Just a bit of scrimage."

-

-"It was a real fight, was it?"

-

-"Well, some people would call it that."

-

-"How much of a fight was it?"

-

-"Oh, considerable--they pulled and hauled about kinder like two cows

-when they lock horns."

-

-"But, tell the Court more precisely?"

-

-"Well, I should say it was a right smart fight."

-

-"But _how_ much of a fight?"

-

-"Well, then, just about an acre, I reckon."

-

-It is needless to say that the crowd enjoyed the joke hugely.

-

-"It is easier to pay a small debt than a larger one."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Believes in the Intelligence of Oysters.

-

-In the year 1860 or thereabouts, when a great patent case was being

-tried in Chicago, and champagne and oysters were the favorite viands

-served nightly to Counsel and Jurors after the adjournment of Court, it

-happened that one Ed. D------n, a young patent lawyer from New York, was

-present on one of those occasions. Now, Ned is terribly afflicted with a

-determination of words to the mouth, and managed to monopolize the whole

-conversation. Ned had a speech to make upon everything, and kept buzzing

-around like a musquito, dipping his bill into everything animate or

-inanimate, no matter which. At last he began to officiate at serving out

-the oysters, and with ladle in hand, said in his usual stilted style,

-"I wonder whether this bivalve, this seemingly obtuse oyster, is endowed

-with any degree of intelligence." Uncle Abe looked at the puppy, who, by

-the way, had prevented him cracking a single one of his favorite jokes

-for the entire evening, and quaintly remarked, that "he was satisfied

-that an oyster knew when to shut up, and that was more than some

-New York lawyers knew." Ned has never propounded the query as to the

-intellect of oysters since.

-

-

-

-

-An Egyptian Snake Story

-

-The last county made in Illinois--I don't mean by the Legislature, but

-by Nature, and where dirt was so short that it lies under water part of

-the year--is called Alexander, and used to boast two rival towns, both

-thoroughly Egyptian in their nomenclative association--Cairo and Thebes.

-Twenty years ago Thebes was the "seat of justice;" but Cairo was then

-beginning to entertain magnificent expectations, and her citizens wanted

-to have the Court House removed to their town. The contest waxed warm.

-The Thebans contended that Cairo was only a "daub of mud on the tail

-of the State," while Thebes was destined to hold the same relation to

-Alexander, that its ancient namesake did to Egypt in the time of Menes.

-[See Herodotus.] But to settle the dispute, the Legislature must be

-appealed to, and that involved the choice of a man favorable to the

-change. This narrowed the fight right down to a hot county canvass

-between the Theban and Cairoine interests.

-

-A Cairo man conceived a scheme that was ahead of anything yet achieved

-by Uncle Abe's brigadiers in the way of "strategy." He wrapped a boulder

-in a green hide, making a perfectly round mass, to which he attached a

-mule; then night after night he drew the stone through sand and mud.

-By going on a straight line, the mule's tracks were concealed, and the

-track left, resembled that made by a huge serpent.

-

-[Illustration: 0041]

-

-These tracks were mainly in the south end of the county, and caused

-an excitement that almost absorbed the election interest. Soon it was

-reported that Mrs. so and so had seen a huge snake. The wonder grew

-apace. Anon it was currently reported that two men had seen the great

-serpent five miles above Cairo. The excitement increased. Several daring

-hunters followed the track, of which new ones were made every night;

-but the trail always led into water and was lost. Several persons missed

-hogs and calves, which were surmised to have gone into the capacious maw

-of the serpent. Finally word was given out that a great hunt was to come

-off in the lower part of the county, and the rendezvous was appointed.

-On the morning, hundreds were there from all parts of the county, and

-dividing into squads they started to scour the country about. At night

-they returned from their snakeless hunt, but so anxious were the people

-to get rid of his snakeship, that they furnished an abundance of edibles

-and whisky. All were in hilarious spirits, determined to renew the hunt

-on the following morning. By daylight the hunters were again on the

-tramp, and men from the lower part of the county happened to fall into

-the squad.

-

-About 3 o'clock in the afternoon, a squad of the bans hove in sight

-of a small village, _i.e._ one house a blacksmith shop and a grocery,

-where, seeing a large crowd assembled, they hurried up in expectation of

-seeing the dead monster. _But the men were voting!_

-

-"Thunder!" cried a Theban, "this is election day, and I'll bet my bottom

-dollar we're sold!"

-

-They started for the rendezvous and spread their suspicions; but so few

-reached their own precincts, that the Cairo man was elected.

-

-Then the joke came out; but the Thebans couldn't see the "laughing

-place;" their rage and mortification was so intense.

-

-Uncle Abe was a member of the Legislature, when an effort was made to

-change the county seat of Alexander; and though he liked the joke hugely

-by which the Thebans had been "diddled," he saw the honesty of the thing

-and so voted against any change.

-

-

-

-

-Why Uncle Abe Made a Brigadier.

-

-When the rebellion had gone so far as to give the most hopeful

-some clear idea of its extent and malignancy, it chanced that J. A.

-Mc------d, a leading politician of Illinois, made a visit to Washington,

-and imitated his friend Douglas so far as to call upon Uncle Abe. The

-"shoot" that certain prominent Democrats gave indication of taking,

-by talking of reconstruction and a Northwestern Republic, gave the new

-administration some concern. Uncle Abe was very sociable with Logan,

-Mac, and a few of their "ilk." So Uncle Abe not only extended to Mac the

-hospitalities of the White House, but accompanied him on a visit to the

-arsenal. While there, their attention was drawn to some muskets which

-the speculators had furnished to Cameron, and which were thought

-(generally) very dangerous to those who used them.

-

-Mac caught up one, and sighted along the barrel.

-

-"Do that again, Mac," said Uncle Abe.

-

-Mac complied. Uncle Abe was evidently struck with an idea, and Mac was

-anxious to know what it was like.

-

-"Why, Mac," said Uncle Abe, "I was thinking if we could get all our

-soldiers to make up that kind of a face, that the rebels couldn't stand

-it a moment." Mac didn't relish Uncle Abe's joke, as he was hopefully

-in pursuit of the third wife; but he put the best face he could upon the

-matter, and remarked to Uncle Abe--

-

-"Perhaps you'd better make me a Brigadier then!"

-

-"And why not?" asked Uncle Abe.

-

-Mac got his commission.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Puzzled.

-

-Uncle Abe was met one day near Springfield, by a conceited coxcomb, who

-had built him a house at some distance, and invited him to dinner.

-Uncle Abe did not much relish the Jackenape's acquaintance. In fact,

-as Justice Shallow has it, had "written him down an Ass." However, Abe

-enquired very minutely, where Snooks lived? "Thistle Grove," replied the

-verdant Snooks; "but there's no grove now, and not a single thistle!"

-

-"Eh, what!" cries Uncle Abe, "not a single thistle! Then what on airth

-do you live on?"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Divided on a Question.

-

-In 1840 or '41, Uncle Abo was a member of the Illinois Legislature.

-The Capital had lately been removed from Vandalia to Springfield. The

-Legislature met in the Presbyterian church.

-

-I have forgotten what measure was before the house; but it was one in

-which there were many members who did not wish to commit themselves.

-Uncle Abe was in this predicament. He sat near an open window, and when

-the clerk, calling the ayes and nays had got down to L's, Uncle Abe

-thrust his right leg out of the window, and was just drawing its long

-companion after it, when an anti-dodging member "seeing the game," shut

-the sash down and held Uncle Abe in a trap.

-

-"Lincoln," called out the Clerk.

-

-"Mr. Speaker," said Col. Thornton, "Mr. Lincoln is _divided_ on this

-question, and I move you that the sergeant at arms be sent to bring in

-that part of him that is out of the window."

-

-Uncle Abe was "_brought in_" amid a universal titter, to his evident

-mortification.

-

-In 1840, the Union generally went for Harrison; but Illinois,

-particularly, was democratic. When the Legislature met in the Fall

-of that year, the Whig members tried to break up the _new_ Session by

-absenting themselves from voting to adjourn the old Session _sine die_,

-so that they could Constitutionally meet the next Wednesday morning; the

-State Constitution requiring the Legislature to meet "the first Monday

-in December next, ensuing the election of members." After the breaking

-up of the morning Session, the Sergeant-at-arms hunted up the delinquent

-Whigs, and at 3 o'clock there was a quorum obtained, and the doors

-locked. The Springfield _Register_ of Dec. 11, 1840, mentions this

-matter, but thinks Uncle Abe "come off without damage, as it was noticed

-that his legs reached nearly from the window to the ground!"

-

-A proposition was afterwards humorously proposed, to add another story

-to the new State House, so that fugacious members would have to go down

-the water spouts if they ran!

-

-

-

-

-Tried for Scaring the Girls.

-

-Thirty years ago, when Springfield was blooming into the dignity of its

-Capitalive position, the American House was its great hotel, (and it

-isn't its smallest yet,) and the resort of those who loved to spend

-a few hours in the society of the _bon vivants_ who then

-assembled--Lincoln, Douglas, Shields, Ferguson, Herndon, (then a young

-man, but since the law partner of Uncle Abe,) and many others "not

-unknown to fame," could almost always be found here during the evening.

-

-One evening as they were sitting in free converse in the bar-room, one

-of the chamber maids came in and informed the landlord that a man was

-under her bed.

-

-It seems while stooping down to untie her gaiters, she saw a man under

-the bed. With rare presence of mind, she excused herself to her fellow

-servant as having forgotten some duty, and reported her discovery to

-the landlord. Boniface at once called for volunteers to secure the

-interloper. So eager were they for fun, that all volunteered. They

-surprised and captured the man, and brought him down to the bar-room;

-but what to do with him? was the next question. Springfield then had no

-vagabonds who made fees out of misfortunes--i.e. policemen--and it was

-determined to treat him with the prompt justice peculiar to that era. A

-court was therefore got together at once, all expectant of fun but the

-unfortunate culprit.

-

-Judge Thomas Brown was decided upon to act as Judge; Melborn, the

-talented, but eccentric State Attorney, was detailed to prosecute;

-and Lincoln and Douglas to defend the prisoner. Dr. Wallace acted as

-Sheriff, and upon the jury were Dr. Merriman, * Gen. Shields, John

-Calhoun (of Lecompton memory,) Uri Manly, and many other well known

-personages.

-

-Lawborn, though a regularly-educated and talented lawyer, took occasion

-not only to be as "funny as he could," but to imitate the prevailing

-style of oratory too common in Illinois--a style in which the

-Hard-shell-Baptist devil mingled with the rough dialect of the

-back-woodsman.

-

-"_May it please your Honor, and you, gentlemen of the Jury_: The

-Legislature of Illinois, though it has legislated upon every subject it

-could think of, has omitted to pass any act against a man being born as

-ugly as he pleases. If such an idea ever occurred to my friend Lincoln

-here, when in the Legislature, I know he would at once dismiss it,

-not only as too personal, but as repugnant to his honest heart. As for

-myself, I like ugly men. An ugly man stands up on his own merits. Nature

-has done nothing for him, and he feels that he must labor to supply the

-deficit by amiability and good conduct generally. There is not an ugly

-man in this room but has felt this. A pretty man, on the contrary,

-trusts his face to supply head, heart and everything. He is an anomaly

-in nature, as though the productions had been at fault as to sex, and

-sought to correct it when too late. They are girl's first loves, and

-doting husband's jealous bane. I confess I don't like pretty men half so

-well as I do pretty women.

-

-     * Afterward murdered and robbed on the Pacific.

-

-"No, gentlemen, ugliness is nothing. It is manners that is everything.

-The ugliest man that ever lived, never intentionally frightened a

-woman--nay, never was so unfortunate as to do so. But this creature,

-gentlemen of the Jury, this mendacious wretch whom you set in judgment

-upon--this creature, who would doubtless enter for a prize of beauty at

-a vanity fair--how has he failed in his duty to society? Why, gentlemen,

-by crawling under the bed upon which two fair damsels were about to

-expose their loveliness to Diana's envious gaze. Did he wish to woo

-them? Petruche's was rough in his wooing--this man was mean! Woman loves

-not surprises. Their hearts are fond of open sieges. This is the case of

-all women-kind. Maugre the slander of Hudibras:=

-

-``"He that woos a maid,

-

-``Must lie, love, and flatter."=

-

-"It is a _mystery_ that adds to beauty, and the woman who surrenders that

-to importunity or surprise, has lost half her vantage ground. The story

-of Guyges and Candaules' queen, if not paralleled here, is not without

-its moral. What else meant this wretch, gentlemen of the Jury, but to

-surprise these charming damsels when only armed with the light shield

-that the Huntress and the cotton plant throws over earthly beauty? Or,

-perhaps he meant more--his own guilty heart can only accuse him there.

-

-"Gentlemen of the Jury, the failure of our Legislature to provide a

-specific punishment for such miscreants, as this--lecherous creatures,

-who steal upon woman amid the mysteries of the bed-room--is no reason

-why society should fold its arms and leave woman's hidden beauties to be

-anatomized by guilty eyes. No, gentlemen of the Jury, outraged decency

-cries for its victim, and here he tremblingly, guiltily stands.

-

-"Gentlemen of the Jury, where are the spirits of the fathers of the

-Constitution? Are they not hovering over us in the air of the still

-summer day? Are they not wailing upon the winds that sweep over our

-prairies? Are they not heard in the sigh of the mountain pine? Are they

-not abroad in all lands, whispering to earth's downtrodden millions like

-a voice of hope? Yes, gentlemen of the Jury! and where was this creature

-then? Why, creeping under the bed of two girls, hazzarding the chance of

-overturning--well, it matters not."

-

---And much more, in a view that needed to be heard to be appreciated.

-

-Lincoln followed, illustrating with anecdotes meet for the place and

-occasion, of which I recollect only the opening. "Gentlemen of the

-Jury," said he, "the remarks of my friend Lawborn about ugly men, comes

-home to my bosom like the sweet oders of a rose to its neighboring great

-sister, the cabbage. It was a grateful, a just tribute to that neglected

-class of the community--ugly men, I wish to say something for my

-client, although it must in candor be admitted, that he had 'gone to

-pot.' I don't see why we should throw the kettle after him; he may be

-the victim of circumstances; he looks very bashful now, and it may be

-the girls scared him; who knows? At least I claim for him the benefit of

-a doubt.

-

-"Why, gentlemen, many of us have, or might have suffered from a

-concatenation of circumstances as strong as that under which my client

-labors. Let me relate a little personal anecdote in illustration. When

-I was making the secret canvass of this country, with my friend

-Cartwright, the Pioneer Preacher, we chanced to stop at the house of one

-of our old Kentucky farmers, whose log-cabin parlor, kitchen and hall

-were blended in one, and only separated at night by sundry blankets hung

-up between the beds. As we were candidates for the august Legislature of

-Illinois, our host treated us with the privacy of a blanket room. During

-the night I was awakened by some one throwing their leg over me with

-some force. I thought it was neighbor Cartright, and took hold of it to

-give it a toss back; but it didn't feel like one of his white oak legs,

-and while I was feeling it to ascertain the correctness of my half-awake

-doubts, a stifled scream thoroughly awakened me, and the leg was

-withdrawn. Why, gentlemen, would you believe me? It was the leg of our

-host's daughter! Imagine my position if you can! What an _apparent_

-breach of hospitality! While I was imagining an excuse for my conduct,

-the 'old folks' struck a light, and the blanket between our bed and

-that of the buxom damsel, was discovered to have been pulled down! More

-damning proof, thought I. I feigned sleep, but kept one corner of my

-left eye open for observation. The blanket was soon fixed up, and I

-was greatly relieved to hear the damsel explain to her mother that she

-herself had invaded our bed while dreaming, caused by some un-digestable

-vegetables she had eaten for her supper. Our host was serene and affable

-in the morning, and I had no need to apologize; but, gentlemen, imagine

-what an escape I had, and have mercy on my client."

-

-Uncle Abe made a side splitting speech all through, and Douglas followed

-with a "constitutional" argument.

-

-The Jury returned a verdict of "guilty of scaring the girls," and the

-Judge sentenced the culprit to be whipped in the back yard, by the girls

-he had scared.

-

-Dr. Wallace, the acting Sheriff, (no, a paymaster in the army,) went out

-and bought a cow hide, and the fellow was soon tied up to a post, and

-the girls made per force to give him thirty-nine well laid on.

-

-The whole affair was a rich evening's divertisement, and cost nothing

-more than a few lost vest buttons and strained button holes.

-

-It is needless to say that the fellow became a _non est_ man from that

-day thenceforth.

-

-

-

-

-"Thank God for the Sassengers."

-

-Most of the readers of this have perhaps read a good story of Oliver

-Ditson, the celebrated Boston Music publisher. After he had been in

-business several years, his New Hampshire friends invited him to open

-his Thanksgiving in his native town, he accepted the invitation and

-started with some of his friends. On the way Ditson was the great man of

-the occasion, and was therefore placed at the head of the table, when

-it devolved upon him to ask the blessing. Now Oliver practiced more

-religion than he knew the exact forms for, and he was in a sad dilemma;

-but he essayed boldly the task. He thanked God for all the 'creature

-comforts' there were upon the table--for all there ever had been--for

-all that was expected. But how to quit? He went on, thanking and trying

-to think at the same time how 'blessings' ended, but to no purpose.

-Knives rattled, plates moved, and Oliver saw the hungry people were

-getting impatient, and he came to the end in a real business like style,

-with--"Yours, respectfully, OLIVER DITSON."

-

-Almost as good an anecdote is told by Uncle Abe of one of his old

-friends, a Mr. Sawyer, who merchandized either in Macon or Champaign

-County. Sawyer, was a Yankee, and distinguished for little besides an

-immoderate liking for "sassingers," as he called that "linked sweetness"

-which polite people call sausages. When Uncle Abe was stumping the

-Sangamon District for Congress, it befell that he and Sawyer met at the

-same country hotel, which was kept by a hardshell Baptist, whose

-foible was long prayers and blessings at table. They--Lincoln and

-Sawyer--happened to be going to the same town by the same coaches. So

-they were up betimes and ready, but breakfast was delayed. They at last

-got to the table, and the Deacon was just closing his eyes preliminary

-to the blessing, when the stage horn blew.

-

-"Bless me, Deacon, there's the stage ready," cried the Sawyer; "thank

-God for the sassengers, and let us fall too."

-

-I hardly need say the Deacon's blessing--and perhaps his breakfast were

-spoiled. But Sawyer had his "sassengers."

-

-

-

-

-Was'nt Murder After All.

-

-When the present State House of Illinois, was being built--and it's a

-passable edifice, baring it is too low in the ground, and the _summer

-house_ up on its top is too low to catch the cool breezes--it chanced

-that among the workmen engaged upon it was a New Yorker named Johnson.

-This man had a sovereign contempt for most of the shinplasters then

-circulating in Illinois; nor was he much amiss in this, for if it

-was now in existence, it would be exchangable at par with Jeff Davis'

-shinplasters. But through the instrumentality of Col. Thornton's

-negotiations in New York with McAlister of Stebbins, (a claim, by the

-way, that has never been settled but came near _settling_ the State _a

-la_ Mattoon,) a large amount of the bills of the New York _Metropolitan

-Bank_ were put into circulation about Springfield. For this currency

-Johnson conceived so great a partiality that the passion of avarice soon

-turned it into a mania. He bought all these notes his means permitted,

-and stored them away about his person with miserly care.

-

-One Sunday Johnson was invited to ride out to the Cut off by a man

-(Smith for the nonce) and accepted. They did'nt stop at the Cut-off, but

-went direct to Sangamon River. Here, they were overheard quarrelling.

-

-Smith came home without Johnson, who was soon missed, and as he was

-known to have gone away with Smith, that individual was soon put in that

-log building still standing (it did in '62) back of Carrigan's Hotel,

-and which has since served as a hen house etc. (Why don't Butler take a

-picture of it, to show the "rising generation" what a small house used

-to hold all the _known or taken_ rogues of old Sangamon?)

-

-The examination of Smith, did not take place until the river bank had

-been examined. There were signs of a struggle on the bank, and to the

-water's edge, which gave force to the evidence of the man who heard

-them in dispute, and all felt convinced that Johnson had been murdered.

-Although a careful examination and dredging of the river failed to

-produce the body, Smith was committed for trial.

-

-Uncle Abe was engaged as counsel for Johnson, but had little hopes of

-being of any earthly aid to him.

-

-At last the day of trial came, and the prisoner plead "not guilty."

-

-I think it was Melborn who was the prosecuting Attorney; before the

-prosecution had opened the case Uncle Abe rose and said:

-

-"May it please the Court, I have a motion to make before the prosecution

-opens; and as it may save the Court some unnecessary labor, I hope it

-will be entertained. _I move that the indictment be quashed and the

-prisoner discharged!_"

-

-The astonishment of the crowded Court room was immense, shared alike by

-Judge, bar and spectators. As soon as the Judge recovered his equanimity

-he asked:

-

-"Upon what grounds is so extraordinary a motion made?"

-

-"Why the man Johnson, was not murdered at all, and I have the pleasure

-of introducing _him to the presence of the Court_."

-

-Johnson was led forward. Hundreds recognized him immediately, The

-excitement was so great that the Judge adjourned the Court.

-

-It seems that the parties had quarreled, Johnson had been pushed into

-the river, but had got out and wandered off in a state of partial

-aberation of mind and had been working on a farm. His passion for

-Metropolitan Bank Notes and his name suggested an idea that he was the

-missing man, and he was opportunely produced in time to save a man from

-being hung.

-

-

-

-

-Joe Reed's Mule Hunt.

-

-One of the best natured fellows in the world, when he is not mad, is

-Joe Reed, of Logan County, Illinois, Joe is a staunch Republican--a real

-rip-rarer in the cause, and has given Uncle Abe the lift of a mighty

-broad pair of shoulders more than once, although at first he had a poor

-opinion of the rail-splitter. Thereby hangs a tale.

-

-In 18--, (the date is forgotten on account of the coldness of the

-weather that winter,) Joe lost a couple of mules. After they had

-been gone for a long time, he chanced to hear of them in a settlement

-somewhere within the present bounds of Macon County. Illinois. At the

-first opportunity Joe started on a mule hunt, determined to find either

-the mules or some _trace_ of them. On reaching the neighborhood in

-question, Joe was satisfied that an old fellow named Bosby Sheel, had

-his mules; and when he went in person, and saw them, the assurance of

-his eyes made "assurance double sure." He at once made claim, but the

-old fellow had heard that possession was nine points of the law--he

-declined to surrender them; Joe immediately appealed to old Squire

-P------, who at once summoned the holder of the mules to his Court. The

-Squire informed Joe that he would have to prove property; but Joe said

-he would only have to swear to his property. In this dilemma, the Squire

-adjourned Court till after dinner and remarked to Joe that he had better

-get a lawyer.

-

-"There is young Abe Lincoln, he don't live far from here, and he'll be

-at my house after dinner."

-

-As he was the only lawyer immediately thereabouts, Joe thought he had

-best employ him, in order to "have the law on his side."

-

-Soon after dinner a stranger arrived, and the Justice (who was landlord

-of the only hotel in the settlement,) whispered to Joe, that that was

-the lawyer.

-

-"What!" exclaimed Joe, "that lean, lank gawky? Why, I'll bet both

-of them mules I know more law nor he does, for I'm a 'Squire at home

-myself--I am."

-

-"But his looks is mighty deceivin', I tell you," said Boniface. "He's

-gin out to be one of the piertest young fellows short o' Sangamon."

-

-But Joe was decided, and the 'Squire re-convened his Court, he having

-the meantime laid the case before his young friend, the lawyer, and got

-his opinion.

-

-Acting his own lawyer, Joe felt it due to his course to give a concise

-statement of the law. As he stood up, he still continued to read from a

-green-covered book that had engaged his attention most of the day It was

-one of Cooper's latest novels. As Joe gave his version of the law, it

-seemed to 'Squire P------ that he was _reading_ the law.

-

-"Is that really the law?" said he, as Joe finished his version of the

-law--not the book. "Let me see that book."

-

-Joe mechanically handed it to him.

-

-After pouring over it for some time, he handed it back, with an air of

-disappointment, remarking:

-

-"Drat me! if I see any sich law in that book."

-

-"Well, it ain't no wonder ye don't--that's the _Red Rover_, a novel and

-not a law book, and you've been and lost my place too," Joe found his

-place, and continued: "what I told you is what the law says, and I know

-it's so."

-

-"Well, as you're a 'Squire, too, I reckon you ought to know. As the mules

-don't belong to old man Bosby Sheel and you swear they are you'rn, I

-hold he's bound to give'em up."

-

-Joe rallied the old Squire rather hard about looking over the _Red

-Rover_ for extra law, but finally "give a treat" and left the Squire and

-his friend in the best of humors.

-

-Said Uncle Abe when he had the small-pox, "I now can give something to

-every one who calls."

-

-

-

-

-Has no Influence with the Administration.

-

-Judge Baldwin, an old and highly respectable and sedate gentleman,

-called a few days since on Gen. Halleck, and presuming upon a familiar

-acquaintance in California formerly, solicited a pass outside of our

-lines, to see a brother in Virginia, not thinking that he would be met

-with a refusal, as both his brother and himself were good Union men.

-

-"We have been deceived too often," said General Halleck, "and I regret I

-can't grant it."

-

-Judge B. then went to Stanton, and was very briefly disposed of with the

-same result. Finally he obtained an interview with Uncle Abe, and stated

-his case.

-

-"Have you applied to Gen. Halleck?" inquired the President.

-

-"And met with a flat refusal," said Judge B.

-

-"Then you must see Stanton," continued Uncle Abe.

-

-"I have, and with the same result," was the reply.

-

-"Well, then," said Uncle Abe, with a smile of good humor, "I can do

-nothing; for you must know _that I have very little influence with this

-Administration_."

-

-

-

-

-A Touching Incident.

-

-The following incident, which occurred at the White House, will appeal

-to every heart. It reveals unmistakably the deep kindness of Uncle Abe's

-character:

-

-"At a reception recently at the White House, many persons present

-noticed three little girls poorly dressed, the children of some mechanic

-or laboring man, who had followed the visitors into the house to gratify

-their curiosity. They were passed from room to room, and were passing

-through the reception room with some trepidation, when Uncle Abe, called

-to them: 'Little girls, are you going to pass me without shaking hands?'

-Then he bent his tall, awkward form down, and shook each little girl

-warmly by the hand. Everybody in the apartment was spellbound by the

-incident, so simple in itself, yet revealing so much of Uncle Abe's

-character."

-

-

-

-

-A Lincoln Man Ducked.

-

-During the canvass between Uncle Abe, and Peter Cartright, the

-celebrated Pioneer Preacher, it chanced that Cartright, was returning to

-his home from the Williamsville and Wiggins Lane settlement. The nearest

-crossing of the Sangamon was at Carpenter's Mills, where there was the

-convenience of a ferry instead of a bridge, as is now the case. Upon the

-hill on the western side of the river, Cartright saw a man elevated upon

-a barrel in front of a little grocery--and on nearing him, he discovered

-that he was giving the Democrats in general, and Uncle Peter Cartright

-in particular, a perfect fusilade of small shots of slang and abuse.

-

-"I tell you, boys, I'm a Whig,--a real Harrison Tippacanoe and Tyler

-too, Whig," said he. "I'm for putting down all these cuss'd locofocos,

-and if we can't vote'em down, why I go for lickin'em' down. There's

-long Abe Lincoln that's runnin' for the Legislature--he's the chap to

-vote for. He's one of the people--split rails and got his edycation by

-moonlight. He don't go round the country prayin' and preachin' like that

-mean Methodist cuss, Peter Cartright, that's runnin' agin him. I'd like

-to know what we wants of a parson to make laws for us? Just elect him,

-and fust you know he'll have a bill into the Legislature, to fine us for

-not goin' to meetin' or for drinkin' a glass of whisky. I'll tell

-you what, if he ever comes round here, I'll just pass him inter the

-Sangamon--certain--sure."

-

-Just here Uncle Peter Cartright enquired for "the ferryman.

-

-"I'm the ferry-man, old hoss," sung out the rustic orator, "and ken

-put ye cross the river in no time." Uncle Peter signified his desire

-to cross, and the twain started towards the ferry boat. The Preacher

-stepping into the boat, hitched his horse to the side, while the

-ferryman shoved out into the stream.

-

-"So you are a Lincoln man?" queried Uncle Peter. "I'm that hoss."

-

-"And so I presume you would douse a Cartright man if you had a chance?"

-

-"I mought do it stranger."

-

-"Certainly you would douse Mr. Cartright?"

-

-"Sure's winkin', old fellow."

-

-"Well Sir, I am Peter Cartright at your service," and before the

-ferryman recovered from his surprise Uncle Peter pitched him into the

-river, took the pole and put himself across the river.

-

-The ferryman did'nt vote for Uncle Peter but he altered his opinion of

-Methodist preachers in general and Uncle Peter in particular.

-

-

-

-

-A Comparison.

-

-One day as Uncle Abe, and a friend were sitting on the House of

-Representatives steps, the session closed, and the members filed out in

-a body. Uncle Abe looked after them with a serious smile. "That reminds

-me," said he, "of a little incident when I was a boy; my flat boat lay

-up at Alton on the Mississippi, for a day, and I strolled about the

-town. I saw a large stone building, with massive stone walls, not

-so handsome though, as this, and while I was looking at it, the iron

-gateway opened, and a great body of men came out. 'What do you call

-that?' I asked a bystander. 'That,' said he, 'is the State Prison, and

-those are all thieves going home. Their time is up.'"

-

-

-

-

-"There's Enough for All."

-

-Uncle Abe was terribly bored by the office seekers, even before the

-Presidential house-warming had scarcely began. The Illinois politicians

-were the most ravenous pap-Suckers of all.

-

-"Just wait a little," said Uncle Abe, "I can assure you, as L------d

-S------t did the swine, 'there's enough for all.'"

-

-"Let us have the story, Uncle Abe," said one of the crowd, who evidently

-expected something rich.

-

-"Why, you see," began Uncle Abe, "I attended court many years ago at

-Mt. Pulaski, the first county seat of Logan County, and there was the

-jolliest set of rollicking young Lawyers there that you ever saw

-together. There was Bill F------n, Bill H------n, L------d S------t, and

-a lot more, and they mixed law and Latin, water and whisky, with equal

-success. It so fell out that the whisky seemed to be possessed of the

-very spirit of Jonah. At any rate, S------t went out to the hog-pen,

-and, leaning over, began to 'throw up Jonah.' The hogs evidently thought

-it feed time, for they rushed forward and began to squabble over the

-voided matter.

-

-"'Don't fight (hic),' said S------t: 'there's enough (hic) for all.'"

-

---The politicians couldn't see anything to laugh at, although the

-"snubbin" was plain enough.

-

-

-

-

-Making a President.

-

-Uncle Abe, in elucidating his estimate of Presidential honors, tells a

-clever story, as he always does, when he sets about it. It seems that

-Windy Billy, who is a politician of no ordinary pretensions, was a

-candidate for the Consulship of Bayonne, and he urged his appointment

-with the eloquence of a Clay or a Seward. He boasted vociferously of his

-activity in promoting the success of the Republican ticket, and averred

-with his impassioned earnestness that he and he alone had made Uncle Abe

-President.

-

-"Ah!" exclaimed Uncle Abe, "and it was you who made me President, was

-it?" a twinkle in his eye all the time.

-

-"Yes," said Billy, rubbing his hands and throwing out his chest, as a

-baggage-master would a small valise, "yes, I think I may say I am the

-man who made you President."

-

-"Well, Billy, my boy, if that's the case, it's a h--ll of a muss you got

-me into, that's all."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Boss of the Cabinet.

-

-A prominent Senator was remonstrating with Uncle Abe a few days ago

-about keeping Mr. Chase in his Cabinet, when it was as well known that

-Mr. C. is opposed, tooth and nail, to Uncle Abe's re-election.

-

-"Now, see here," said Uncle Abe, "when I was elected I resolved to hire

-my four Presidential rivals, pay them their wages and be their 'boss.'

-These were Seward, Chase, Cameron and Bates; but I got rid of Cameron

-after he had played himself out. As to discharging Chase or Seward,

-don't talk of it. I pay them their wages and am their boss, and would'nt

-let either of them out on the loose for the fee simple of the Almaden

-patent."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Peter Cartright's Wonder.

-

-Some of the farmers in and about Saggamon county, Illinois, have been and

-still are so intent on cattle-raising, that the business is a sort

-of cattle-mania. Uncle Peter was one Sunday preaching near a good old

-deacon of this sort, whose piety was somewhat like that of a card-playing

-lady mentioned by Addison, (Spectator No. 7,) who had a set hour for her

-devotions, and if she happened to be at a game, would get a friend to

-"hold her hand" while she said her prayers. Our worthy deacon was rather

-vain of his "gift" praying and saying "blessings" at table. As a matter

-of courtesy, he might occasionally ask a visiting preacher to pray

-or ask a blessing; but he never failed to exhibit his "gift" to his

-visitors. He had a singsong way of "getting it off," at the same time

-beating time with his hands on either side of his plate. On the occasion

-alluded to, he began--"Oh Lord! (thump) bless the creature comforts

-(thump) provided for our (thump) sustenance (thump.) Bless it (thump) to

-our needs (thump) and necessities, (thump). Lead us aright, (thump) but

-if we stray (thump) put us back (thump) into the right path, (thump).

-Bless the stranger (thump) that comes beneath our roof, (thump) and keep

-his feet (thump) in pleasant paths, (thump). What we ask (thump)

-amiss, (thump) withhold; (thump) but grant us what our (thump)

-short-sightedness omits, (thump) and thine be the glory (thump) now and

-for ever, (thump) a------."

-

-And here the old deacon stopped suddenly, opened his eyes, and looking

-across the table, asked:

-

-"Son John, did Mr. Jones settle yet for that Durham cow?"

-

-"Yes, father--it's all right."

-

-"Amen," concluded the deacon.

-

-"Cattle! cattle!" exclaimed Uncle Peter in ill-concealed disgust.

-

-"Why, you can't say your prayers without having cattle running through

-your head; I wonder the Lord don't turn such Christians into cattle!"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe a Shaksperian.

-

-When Uncle Abe was making a plea in one of the county Circuit Courts,

-not far from Springfield, one of the lawyers becoming sensible that he

-was being out-generaled, remarked to Uncle Abe, as he sat down--

-

-"I smell a mice."

-

-"Why don't you quote Shakspeare correctly?" said Uncle Abe.

-

-"Why," said the other, "I was not aware that I Was quoting Shakspeare at

-all."

-

-"Certainly you were, and had you done it properly, it would have been

-more expressive and less vulgar. The correct expression is, 'I smell a

-device.'"

-

-

-

-

-The Running Sickness.

-

-In the Black Hawk war, Uncle Abe belonged to a militia company in the

-service. On a scout, the company encountered the Indians, and in a

-brisk skirmish drove them some miles, when, night coming on, our forces

-encamped. Great was the consternation on discovering that Lincoln was

-missing. His absence or rather his stories, from the bivouac, was a

-misfortune. Suddenly, however, he came into camp. "Maj. Abe, is that

-you? Thought you were killed. Where've you been?" were the startling

-speculations. "Yes," said Uncle Abe, "this is me--ain't killed either."

-

-"But where have you been all the time?"

-

-"Oh, just over there."

-

-"But what were you over there for? Didn't run away, did you?"

-

-"No," said he deliberately, "I don't think I run away; but, after all, I

-reckon if anybody had seen me going, and had been told I was going for a

-doctor, he would have thought somebody was almighty sick."

-

-

-

-

-How to Get Rid of Rats.

-

-So thick had the rats become in Logan County, a few years ago, that the

-means of getting rid of the nuisance was freely discussed. The newly

-organized Agricultural Society, finally concluded to offer three

-premiums for the then largest numbers. The man who took the largest

-prize, exhibited over 1,700 scalps all caught in the space of three

-weeks. At the time these prizes were pending, Uncle Abe attended Court

-there, and Col. L------n, (a considerable gourmand,) by the way, was

-discussing the best way to get rid of the rats, and finally asked Uncle

-Abe's opinion.

-

-"Why," said Uncle Abe, "rats are a 'cunning cattle,' and soon find out

-how things are going. I introduce them to your table as a delicacy, and

-when they find out you are making 'game' of them they will soon give you

-a wide berth."

-

-The Colonel winced under a faint impression; but silently ratified Uncle

-Abe's conclusions. "Yes," chimed in M------, "we might go so far as to

-use their pelts to ornament our winter clothing."

-

-

-

-

-A Palpable Application

-

-On a late occasion, when the White House was open to the public, a

-farmer from one of the border counties of Virginia told Uncle Abe that

-the Union soldiers, in passing his farm, had helped themselves not only

-to hay, but his horses, and he hoped the President would urge the proper

-officer to consider his claim immediately. "Why, my dear sir," replied

-Uncle Abe, blandly, "I couldn't think of such a thing. If I considered

-individual cases, I should find work for twenty Presidents!" Bowie urged

-his needs persistently; Uncle Abe declined good-naturedly. "But," said

-the persevering sufferer, "couldn't you just give me a line to Colonel

-------- about it? just one line?" "Ha, ha, ha!" responded amiable Uncle

-Abe, shaking himself fervently, and crossing his legs the other way,

-"that reminds me of old Jack Chase out in Illinois." At this the crowd

-huddled forward to listen. "You have seen Jack--I knew him like a

-brother--used to be a lumberman on the Illinois, and he was steady

-and sober, and the best raftsman on the river. It was quite a trick

-twenty-five years ago to take the logs over the rapids, but he was

-skillful, with a raft, and always kept her straight in the channel.

-Finally a steamboat was put on, and Jack--he's dead now, poor

-fellow!--was made captain of her. He used to take the wheel going

-through the rapids. One day, when the boat was plunging and wallowing

-along the boiling current, and Jack's utmost vigilance was exercised to

-keep her in the narrow channel, a boy pulled his coat tail, and hailed

-him with, 'Sir, Mister Captain! I wish you'd just stop your boat a

-minute--I've lost my apple overboard!'"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe on the Whisky Question.

-

-A committee, just previous to the fall of Vicksburg, solicitous for the

-_morale_ of our armies, took it upon themselves to visit the President

-and urge the removal of General Grant. .

-

-"What for?" asked Uncle Abe.

-

-"Why," replied the busy-bodies, "he drinks too much whisky."

-

-"Ah!" rejoined Uncle Abe, "can you inform me gentlemen, where General

-Grant procures his whisky?"

-

-The committee confessed they could not.

-

-"Because," added Uncle Abe, with a merry twinkle in his eye, "If I can

-find out, I'll send a barrel of it to every General in the field!"

-

-The delegation retired in reasonable good order.

-

-

-

-

-Edwards vs. Lincoln.

-

-One day soon after Uncle Abe began the canvass with Judge Douglas

-for the United States Senate, Lincoln, an Editor, accosted Nivian W.

-Edwards, (Uncle Abe's brother-in-law,) as Mr. Lincoln himself.

-

-"Well," said Edwards, "I think I must be growing taller and uglier every

-day, for this is the sixth time I've been taken for Abe within a week."

-

-Notwithstanding Edwards was a Democrat and a joker, Uncle Abe made him a

-commissary in the army.

-

-

-

-

-Metalic Ring.

-

-The new practical postal currency have upon the face, a faint oval

-ring of bronze, encircling the vignette. Uncle Abe being asked its use,

-replied that it was a faint attempt on the part of Mr. Chase, to give

-the new currency a metalic ring.

-

-

-

-

-A Grateful Postmaster.

-

-Said a long legged hoosier, on receiving the appointment of Postmaster,

-in Sangamon County, "I tell you Uncle Abe, you're a hoss," "yes replied

-Uncle Abe, a _draft_ horse."

-

-

-

-

-A Serious Joke.

-

-Washington, February 18, 1864

-

-To Wm. Fishback

-

-When I fixed a _plan_ for an election in Arkansas I did it in ignorance

-that your convention was at the same work. Since I learned the latter

-fact I have been constantly trying to yield my _plan_ to theirs. I have

-sent two letters to General Steel, and three or four dispatches to you

-and others, saying that (General Steel,) must be master, but that it

-will probably be best for him to keep the convention on its own _plan_.

-Some single mind must be master, else there will be no agreement on

-any thing; and General Steel, commanding the military, and being on

-the ground, is the best man to be that master. Even now citizens are

-telegraphing me to postpone the election to a later day than either

-fixed by the Convention or me This discord must be silenced.

-

-A. LINCOLN.

-

-A young Massachusetts soldier, named Merrill, writes a Washington

-correspondent, had on ounce ball pass through his head during the battle

-of Fredericksburg. It entered near his right eye and was extracted

-behind his left ear. Another ball would have entered a vital part of his

-body had it not been arrested by a Testament, in which it lodged.

-When this safeguard was shown to Uncle Abe, he sent to the hospital a

-handsome pocket Bible, in which was written: "Charles V. Merrill, Co. A.

-19th Massachusetts, from A. Lincoln."

-

-"Major-General Grant,--Understanding that your lodgment at Chattanooga

-and Knoxville is now secure I wish to tender you, and all under your

-command, my more than thanks--my profoundest gratitude--for the skill,

-courage, and perseverence with which you and they, over so great

-difficulties, have effected that important object. God bless you all!

-

-"A. LINCOLN."

-

-

-

-

-Fix the Date.

-

-Uncle Abe, was conversing with some friends and remarked, "There's

-a good Time coming," a countryman stepped up to Uncle Abe, and said:

-"Mister, you could'nt fix to date, could yous?"

-

-

-

-

-Rival of Uncle Abe.

-

-Old Abe has got off many good things since he left Springfield, but the

-following equals anything which has proceeded from that veteran joker.

-

-"In the Georgia Legislature, Mr. Linton Stephens, brother of the rebel

-Vice President, introduced a resolution in the House of Representatives

-declaring that peace be officially offered to the enemy after every

-Confederate victory."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Estimate of the Senate.

-

-Uncle Abe, says that in the Senate, he "owns nine of the Senators and

-one-half of another."

-

-"Who owns the other half?" asked a gentleman to whom Uncle Abe was

-speaking. "Henry Wilson of Massachusetts," replied the Chief Magistrate,

-"Wilson is for me," says the President, "before breakfast; rather

-against me while his digestion is going on after it; loves me like pie

-during the hours which he spends visiting the various departments and

-asking for places and patronage; and bitterly my enemy from seven every

-evening until he goes to bed, drops asleep and commences snoring. Wilson

-is carrying water on both shoulders but I guess he'll get a wetting and

-soil his clothes before he gets through."

-

-

-

-

-"Thought he Must be Good for Something."

-

-An Illinois man who had known the "boy Mayor," John Hay, from boyhood,

-was expressing to Uncle Abe, after the massacre at Olustee, some regret

-that he should have supposed him capable of any military position.

-

-"About Hay," said Uncle Abe, "the fact was, I was pretty much like

-Jim Hawks, out in Illinois, who sold a dog to a hunting neighbor, as

-a first-rate coon dog. A few days after, the fellow brought him back,

-saying he 'wasn't worth a cuss for coons.' 'Well,' said Jim, I tried him

-for everything else, and he wasn't worth a d----n, and so I thought he

-_must_ be good for coons.'"

-

-

-

-

-Aptly Said.

-

-To a man who was condoling Uncle Abe on the disaster at Olustee, and

-suggesting how it might have been prevented, he said:

-

-"Your remarks are well intended, doubtless; but they do little less than

-aggravate a thing which I can't help thinking might have been helped.

-It reminds me of a story that I read when I was a boy. An old fellow who

-had clambered rather high into an apple tree, fell and broke his arm.

-A sympathizing and philosophic neighbor, seeing his mishap, went to his

-aid. 'Ah,' said he, 'if you had followed my plan you would have escaped

-this.' 'Indeed, what is your plan?' enquired the groaning man. 'Why,

-never to let go both hands, till you get one hold somewhere else.'"

-

-The would-be Brigadier saw the point, and left.

-

-"I see you've got to the sticking point at last," as the Democrat

-remarked to a slippery Republican, whose team had gone into the ground

-up to the hub.

-

-"They have gone up every Creek and Bayou where it was a little damp."

-

-"Linkums" Sold Cheap.

-

-Daring the Presidential contest of 1860, there was an Italian artist

-of plaster figures in Springfield, who supplied "leetel Linkums," as

-he called his figures, faster than ever Uncle Abe did. He succeeded in

-putting one of these Republican penates into every Republican house in

-town, but they finally became a "drug" in the market. However, he kept

-his "asking price" up; but his selling price was as various as his

-buyers, and hard to deal with.

-

-One day, with a load of these upon his head, he entered a jeweller's

-shop, and accosted the man behind the counter with-- *

-

-"You buys'em leetel Linkums?"

-

-"No--don't want'em."

-

-"Sells'em cheap," persisted the Italian.

-

-"Well, how do you sell to-day?"

-

-"Fifty cent piece."

-

-"I'll give you a dollar for the lot," said A------, expecting to pose

-the Italian.

-

-"You takes'em," greedily exclaimed the artist, and he left Mr. L. A.

-A------n with a lot of plaster on hand which he had hard work to give

-away.

-

-"There's an odor of nationality about those bills, said Secretary Chase,

-showing a lot of the firstlings of his greenbacks to Uncle Abe.

-

-"A very good figure of speech," replied Uncle Abe, "but you must not get

-too many under the public nostril, or your figure of speech will be an

-odor of fact."

-

-April 1, 1862, greenbacks, 100. April 1, 1864, greenbacks, 55.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe as a Pilot.

-

-The captain of one of the Mississippi river steamers one morning, while

-his boat was lying at her moorings at New Orleans, waiting for the tardy

-pilot, who, it appears, was a rather uncertain sort of fellow, saw a

-tall, gaunt Sucker make his appearance before the captain's office, and

-sing out--

-

-"Hello, cap'n! you don't want a pilot nor nothin' about this 'ere craft,

-do ye?"

-

-"How do you know I don't?" responded the captain.

-

-"Oh, you don't understand; I axed you s'posin' you did?"

-

-"Then, supposing I do, what of it?"

-

-"Well," said Uncle Abe, for it was he, "I reckon I know suthin' about

-that ere sort o' business, provided you wanted a feller of jest about my

-size."

-

-The captain gave him a scrutinising glance, and with an expression of

-countenance which seemed to say, "I should pity the steamer that you

-piloted," asked--

-

-"Are you acquainted with the river, and do you know where the snags

-are?"

-

-"Well, ye-as," responded Uncle Abe rather hesitatingly, "I'm pretty well

-acquainted with the river, but the snags, I don't know exactly so much

-about them."

-

-"Don't know about the snags?" exclaimed the captain, contemptuously,

-"don't know about the snags! You'd make a pretty pilot!"

-

-At this Uncle Abe's countenance assumed anything but an angelic

-expression, and with a darkened brow and a fiercely flashing eye, he

-drew himself up to his full height, and indignantly roared back in a

-voice of thunder:

-

-"What do I want to know where the snags are for, old sea-hoss? I know

-where they ain't, and there's where I do my sailing!"

-

-It is sufficient to know that Uncle Abe was promptly engaged, and that

-the captain takes pleasure in saying that he proved himself one of the

-best pilots on the river.

-

-(Wonder if Uncle Abe has forgotten how to sail in clear water? A. A.)

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Valentine.

-

-Uncle Abe on the 14th of last February, received a valentine in the

-shape of a picture of the American eagle, with a financial allusion. The

-bird of freedom appeared to be engaged in picking up gold coin, while

-at the end of the bird most remote from his head there was a pile of

-"green-backs," into which this coin seemed to have been mysteriously

-transmuted.

-

-Uncle Abe, who takes such things philosophically, and always

-acknowledges a palpable hit with grace and good natured cheerfulness,

-went to his Secretary of the Treasury, to exhibit his bird, in order

-that the latter might enjoy the joke with him. Mr. Chase, however, was

-not disposed to take the matter in the same spirit Uncle Abe did; but

-appeared to be much out of humor at this hieroglyphical attack upon his

-department of the government. In tones in which there was evidently a

-slight admixture of irritability, he remarked to Uncle Abe that he would

-like to know who had made this unwarrantable attack upon his financial

-management of the affairs of the nation--that he feared that some of his

-subordinates had got up this libel upon him, and that he would give

-a hundred dollars to know who had done it. Uncle Abe? whose

-question-asking proclivities are well known, said that the offer seemed

-liberal; "but, Mr. Chase," said he, "before I shall make up my mind on

-this subject, will you allow me to ask you one question?" "Certainly,"

-replied the Secretary. "I merely wanted to understand," said Uncle Abe,

-"at which end of the bird you propose to pay?"

-

-"'Et tu Brute?'" responded the head of the Treasury department. "If I am

-thus to be made the subject of ridicule, I must renew my application to

-be relieved from my duties as Secretary."

-

-"O, never mind! never mind! Mr. Secretary," said Uncle Abe, "we can

-soon remedy all these difficulties. All we have to do, after we have

-suppressed this rebellion, is to turn the bird end for end, and let

-the gold and 'greenbacks' remain just as they are and all will come

-out right." The Secretary, restored to good humor, agreed not to resign

-unless Seward did.

-

-"That reminds me of a little story."

-

-

-

-

-"My Mary Ann."

-

-Many months ago the post commander at Cairo was a certain West Point

-colonel of a Northwestern regiment, noted for his soldierly qualities

-and rigid discipline. One day he passed by the barracks and heard a

-group of soldiers singing the well-known street piece, "My Mary Ann."

-An angry shade crossed his brow, and he forthwith ordered the men to

-be placed in the guard-house, where they remained all night The next

-morning he visited them, when one ventured to ask the cause of their

-confinement.

-

-"Cause enough," said the rigid colonel; "you were singing a song in

-derision of Mrs. Colonel B------."

-

-The men replied by roars of laughter, and it was some time before the

-choler of the Colonel could be sufficiently subdued to understand that

-the song was an old one, and sung by half the school-boys in the land,

-or the risibles of the men be calmed down to learn that the colonel's

-wife rejoiced in the name of "Mary Ann."

-

-Uncle Abe made the Colonel a Brigadier the moment he heard this story.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Honor.

-

-At one time Uncle Abe aspired to a position on the bench, and Mrs.

-Lincoln, so as to be prepared for the event, practiced the habit of

-calling her husband "his Honor," or "your Honor," as the case might be.

-Uncle Abe never, however, succeeded to the dignity of the ermine; but

-attending Circuit at Chicago, and stopping at the -------- Hotel, Mrs.

-L. accompanied her husband, as was her custom. Uncle Abe had donned a

-bran new pair of boots, which were anything but comfortable, and almost

-as uncertain as a pair of skates to a learner on the keenest of ice.

-Mrs. Lincoln was enjoying herself in the parlor in a chit-chat with a

-number of other ladies, and putting on as many airs as her provincial

-position in Springfield would admit, when a strange, rumbling sound

-disturbed the pleasant company, who rushed out to learn what was the

-matter. Lo and behold! there was Uncle Abe in the undignified

-predicament of tumbling down stairs and bumping the end of his spine

-upon every step. The new boots, or the swig of forty-rod which he had

-taken in his bed-room, had proved traitor to him. Mrs. Lincoln was

-nearly non-plussed, but exclaimed in a consoling voice, "Is your Honor

-hurt?"

-

-"No," said Uncle Abe, sitting gracefully on the carpet, with legs spread

-out amidst the bevy of tittering damsels, and rubbing the seat of his

-trowsers, "No, my honor is not hurt but my--my--my head is!"

-

-

-

-

-"Smoke That."

-

-During the session of the Legislature of Illinois, in 1836-7, the

-Sangamon County delegation of nine members, became known as the "Long

-Nine," from the fact of their remarkable average height. In this

-delegation were Uncle Abe, Gen. Baker, (killed at Bull's Bluff,) N. W.

-Edwards, (brother-in-law of Uncle Abe, and now Captain commissary,) and

-some others of note in their day. A law had passed the previous session

-to remove the capital from Vandalia to Springfield, to be carried out

-as soon as a new capitol could be built. In the meantime, Gen. W. L. D.

-Ewing, an influential Egyptian member, made periodical efforts to repeal

-the law and keep the capital at Vandalia. During the session of 1837,

-we had a regular tilt with the "long nine," during which, whenever Uncle

-Abe or Gen. Baker made a point, Ewing would be saluted with the cry

-"smoke that!" in allusion to "long nines," a popular kind of cigars used

-at that day. This probably gave rise to saying, "put that in your pipe

-and smoke it."

-

-

-

-

-A Sufficient Reason.

-

-Some one recently asked Uncle Abe why he didn't promote merit? "Because

-merit never helped promote me," said our Uncle Abe.

-

-

-

-

-The Boy and the Bear.

-

-A committee of the enemies of Mr. Chase called on the President just

-after the Pomroy circular was sent forth and advised him to purify his

-cabinet and let Chase go. Old Abe replied that "it is not so easy a

-thing to let Chase go. I am situated very much as the boy was who held

-the bear by the hind legs. I will tell you how it was. There was a very

-vicious bear which, after being some time chased by a couple of boys,

-turned upon his pursuers. The boldest of the two ran up and caught the

-bear by the hind legs, while the other climbed up into a little tree,

-and complacently witnessed the conflict going on beneath, between the

-bear and his companion. The tussel was a sharp one, and the boy, after

-becoming quite exhausted, cried out in alarm, 'Bill, for God's sake

-come down and help me let this darned bear go!' Now, gentlemen," said

-Mr. Lincoln, "you see what a fix I am in--it may be dangerous to hold on

-to Chase, but it will require more assistance than I see at present, to

-help me let him go."

-

-

-

-

-Too Deep.

-

-During the Black Hawk war, when the valiant Illinoisians were in

-hasty retreat from what they thought certain scalping, and the roads

-exclusively bad, in fact, unfathomable mud.--In this predicament,

-the corps in which Uncle Abe was, became somewhat scattered, when the

-officer commanding, called out to the men to form _two deep_. "Blast

-me!" shouted Abe from a slough, in which he was nearly buried, "I am too

-deep already; I am up to the neck."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's First Speech.

-

-When Uncle Abe first made his appearance in the Illinois House of

-Representatives, and was desirous of delivering his sentiments on a

-certain measure, he rose and began:--"Mr. Speaker, _I conceive_----" but

-could go no further. Thrice he repeated unsuccessfully the same attempt;

-when Douglas, who had more confidence, and had been a year longer in the

-House, completely dumbfounded Abe by saying: "Mr. Speaker, The honorable

-gentleman has _conceived three times, and brought forth nothing._"

-

-

-

-

-Cute.

-

-One night Uncle Abe came wet and cold to a cross road tavern in Indiana,

-and found the fire more thoroughly blockaded with Hoosiers than mother

-Welles has been able to blockade the Southern Confederacy. Abe ordered

-the landlord to carry his horse a peck of catfish. "He can't eat

-catfish," said Boniface. "Try him," said Abe, "there's nothing like

-trying." The crowd all rushed after the landlord to see Abe's horse

-eat the peck of catfish. "He won't eat them, as I told you," said the

-landlord, on returning. "Then," coolly responded Uncle Abe, who had

-squatted on the best seat, "bring them to me and I'll eat them myself."

-

-

-

-

-Abe's Spelling.

-

-Being asked by a client in Springfield why he spelled so badly in his

-law papers, Uncle Abe replied, "Because, the Suckers are so cussed mean

-they won't pay for good spelling."

-

-

-

-

-A Soldier's Theory of the War.

-

-The soldiers at Helena, in Arkansas, used to amuse the inhabitants of

-that place, on their first arrival, by telling them yarns, of which the

-following is a sample:

-

-"Some time ago Jeff. Davis got tired of the war and invited President

-Lincoln to meet him on neutral ground to discuss terms of peace. They

-met accordingly, and after a talk, concluded to settle the war by

-dividing the territory and stopping the fighting. The North took the

-Northern States, and the South the Gulf and seaboard Southern States.

-Lincoln took Texas and Missouri, and Davis Kentucky and Tennessee; so

-that all were parcelled off excepting Arkansas. Lincoln did'nt want

-it--Jeff, would'nt have it. Neither would consent to take it, and on

-that they split; and the war has been going on ever since."

-

-

-

-

-Nigger Mathematics.

-

-Uncle Abe was lately visited by one of the "On to Richmond" sword of

-Gideon gentry, who confidently expressed the hope, so common among the

-Abolition noodles, that Lee's army would be "bagged." Uncle Abe grinned

-to the utmost of his classic mouth, and remarked that he was afraid

-there would be too much "nigger mathematics" in it. The visitor smiled

-at the allusion, as he felt bound in politeness to do supposing there

-must be something in it, though he could not see the point. "But I

-suppose you don't know what 'nigger mathematics' is," continued Uncle

-Abe. "Lay down your hat a minute, and I'll tell you." He, himself,

-resumed the sitting posture leaned back in his chair, elevated his heels

-on the table, and went on with his story. "There was a darkey in my

-neighborhood, called Pompey, who, from a certain quickness in figuring

-up the prices of chickens and vegetables, got the reputation of being a

-mathematical genius. Johnson, a darkey preacher, heard of Pompey, and

-called to see him. 'Here ye're a great mat'm'tishum, Pompey.' 'Yes sar,

-you jas try.' 'Well Pompey, Ize compound a problem in mat'matics.' 'All

-right, sar.' 'Now, Pompey, spose dere am tree pigeons sittin' on a rail

-fence, and you fire a gun at'em and shoot one, how many's left?' 'Two,

-ob cooors,' replies Pompey after a little wool scratching. 'Ya-ya-ya,'

-laughs Mr. Johnson; 'I knowed you was a fool, Pompey; dere's _none_

-left--one's dead, and d'udder two's flown away.' "That's what makes me

-say," continued Uncle Abe, "that I am afraid there was too much nigger

-mathematics in the Pennsylvania campaign." And the result showed that in

-this instance, at least, the anecdote suited the fact. Lee's army was

-then three pigeons. One of them was taken down at Gettysburg, but the

-other two flew off over the Potomac.

-

-

-

-

-Long and Short of it.

-

-"Here I am, and here is Mrs. Lincoln, and that's the long and short

-of it."--_Speech of Mr. Lincoln from the balcony of the White House at

-Washington_.

-

-

-

-

-A Handy Faculty.

-

-Whilst Uncle Abe was passing, in his flat-boat, a small town on the

-Wabash, an old chum accosted him from shore thus:--

-

-"Uncle Abe, are you asleep?"

-

-"Why?"

-

-"Because, I want to borrow some whiskey."

-

-"Then" said Abe, "_I am asleep._"

-

-And he rolled over drowsily on the flat-boat, and it passed on.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe on Time.

-

-A Methodist dominie was lecturing Abe on his love of gambling. "Ah

-Abraham, it is a grievous sin--in the first place, consider the loss of

-time."

-

-"Yes," replied Uncle Abe, "I have often begrudged the loss of time--in

-_shuffling and dealing_."

-

-

-

-

-A Story that had no Reminder.

-

-During a conversation which took place between Uncle Abe and a

-distinguished western senator, the recent legislative nominations for

-the next presidency were incidentally referred to. "Yes," said Uncle

-Abe, nursing his leg with evident gratification--"yes senator, the

-current seems to be setting all one way!"

-

-"It does, really, seem to be setting all one way," was the answer of

-the senator; "but, Mr. Lincoln, as you have told me several good stories

-since I have been here, permit me if you please, to tell _you_ one.

-It has always been observed that the Atlantic Ocean, at the Straits

-of Gibraltar, constantly pours into the Mediterranean with tremendous

-volume. The Bosphorus empties into it, at its other end, and rivers are

-seen contributing to its waters all along its coast. It was for many

-years the constant puzzle of geographers, why the Mediterranean, under

-all these accessions, never got full, and overran its banks. After a

-while, however, a curious fellow took the notion of dropping a plummet

-in the center of the Straits, when, lo! he discovered that, though the

-tremendous body of water on the surface was rushing inward from the

-ocean, a still more powerful body was passing outward, in a counter

-current, some twenty feet below!"

-

-"Oh, ah!" said Uncle Abe, seriously, evidently nonplussed, for the first

-time in his life; "that _does not_ remind me of any story I ever heard

-before!"

-

-

-

-

-Has it "Gin Out?"

-

-We do not know what joke Uncle Abe made when he heard the news of the

-surrender of Plymouth. In regard to the Fort Pillow affair he made

-a Bunsby speech, but no joke. His last joke, of which we have any

-knowledge, occurred when Secretary Chase was starting on his trip to

-New York. Uncle Abe is like Cromwell without his military genius, and is

-very fond of playing practical jokes on his associates. It is said that

-after Cromwell had signed the warrant for the execution of King Charles

-he turned round to one of his colleagues and smeared his face with the

-ink. This he thought capital fun. Uncle Abe's jokes are of about the

-same quality. When Chase called upon him to say good bye, the Secretary

-of the Treasury asked for some information about the probable end of

-the war, saying it would help him greatly in getting more money in Wall

-street. "Do you want more money?" asked Lincoln, and then quickly added,

-"What! has the printing machine gin out?" This joke is fully equal to

-Cromwell's.

-

-

-

-

-A Major

-

-At one of Uncle Abe's levees recently, among the Company was a

-Pennsylvania Avenue tailor whom Abe recognized but could not name. "My

-dear Sir} I remember your face, but I forget your name," said Uncle Abe.

-The knight of the needle whispered confidentially into Uncle Abe's ear.

-"I made your breeches." Uncle Abe took him most affectionately by the

-hand and exclaimed enthusiastically "Major Breeches, I am happy to meet

-you at the White House!"

-

-

-

-

-A Dry Drop.

-

-A refugee from Richmond was telling Uncle Abe of the sad state of

-affairs reigning there. Among other things he said liquor was so scarce

-that the rebel President himself could scarcely get a drop to drink.

-

-"He ought not to have a drop _to drink_ in this world or the next," said

-Uncle Abe.

-

-"You are rather severe," replied the refugee.

-

-"Well," said Uncle Abe, "if you think a drop would do him good, let it

-be a drop from the scaffold."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe as a Physiognomist.

-

-While the western governors were in conversation the other day, one of

-them asked him if he remembered a certain Major of the ------ Illinois

-regiment.

-

-Uncle Abe replied that "he could'nt say that he did." The gentleman

-who addressed him then tried to jog the executive memory a little by

-mentioning a circumstance or two connected with the Major's history.

-Finally Uncle Abe remembered him very well--which fact he stated in

-the following graphic language: "O yes, I know who you mean. _It's that

-turkey egg faced fellow that you'd think did'nt know as much as a last

-year's bird's nest_." This was the very individual referred to. It will

-be seen that Uncle Abe has other fortes than statesmanship--and that of

-a physiognoist is one of them.

-

-

-

-

-The Concrete vs. the Abstract.

-

-Dick Yates, the jolly Governor of the Suckers, tells that he called

-on Uncle Abe one morning when he was trying to get the 88,000

-"Hundredazers" accepted, and that during their interview Uncle Abe

-remarked: "Yates, I'll tell you the difference between the concrete and

-the abstract. When the Senate passed a resolution requesting me not to

-appoint any more Brigadiers, as the vacancies were all full, that's the

-concrete. But when a Senator comes up here with a long petition and a

-longer face, requesting me to make a brigadier out of some scallawag of

-a friend of his, as it happens every day--I call that the abstract."

-

-

-

-

-Symptoms of Civilization.

-

-Uncle Abe and his chums were wrecked and swamped once on a trip to

-New Orleans, and having waded ashore, were in search of shelter and

-refreshment, without much prospect of success, in a thickly timbered

-bottom. They had traveled through the forest a long distance, and were

-in despair of finding any human habitation, when they discovered a negro

-hanging on the projecting limb of a tree. "The joy," said Abe, when

-telling the adventure, "which this cheering view excited, cannot be

-described, for it convinced us that we were in a _civilized country._"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe goes into Partnership.

-

-In the days when Uncle Abe plied the flat-boat business on the Wabash

-and Sangamon, he made it a practice to troll for catfish and dispose

-of them to the planters in Mississippi, when passing their plantations.

-This brought him quite a revenue, which was always expended for "forty

-rod" whisky, or the fish were traded off direct for that fluid chain

-lightning. Once while passing the plantation of Mr. Percy, he was bound

-to have some forty rod, and went ashore with a fine lot of fish. A large

-party were assembled at the mansion of the aristocratic Percy; when

-Julius Caesar informed him that Uncle Abe was below with some very fine

-fish. "Well," said Percy, "give him his forty rod as usual, and let him

-go."

-

-"But sah, he won't take it dis time," said the darkey, "he wants a

-hundred lashes on the bare back, well laid on massa." Uncle Abe insisted

-to the surprise of every one on this strange price for his fish, and Mr.

-Percy to humor him, complied, directing the overseer to cut him gently.

-When Uncle Abe had received the fiftieth lash, he cried, "Hold! I have

-got a partner in this business, to whom I have engaged to give half of

-whatever I should get for the fish--this overseer would not admit me

-only on that condition." O course the overseer had his share well paid,

-and Abe got his forty-rod as usual, with something added.

-

-

-

-

-Abe Passing Counterfeit Money.

-

-

-One day a poor woman ran into Uncle Abe's law office in great fright

-exclaiming:--

-

-"Oh, Mr. Lincoln, my boy has swallowed a penny!"

-

-"Was it a counterfeit," coolly asked Mr. Lincoln.

-

-"No, certainly not," replied the woman, somewhat indignantly.

-

-"Oh! well, then _it will pass_, of course," said Uncle Abe.

-

-It is hardly necessary to add that the anxious mother went home

-comforted and that the boy who "swallowed the penny," at the last

-Presidentia-election voted for "Honest Old Abe."

-

-

-

-

-The Wrong Man Poulticed.

-

-At the famous watering place, of the Blue Lick Springs, Uncle Abe

-was severely afflicted with a pain in the stomach, which neither gin

-cock-tails nor other cordials could remove. It was night and he was in

-bed. His loving wife, unwilling to awake the domestics, descended to

-the kitchen, and prepared mustard poultice, which she spread on her own

-handkerchief, and proceeded with it to the distressed Uncle Abe. Before

-leaving him, she left a light dimly burning in the apartment; but deeply

-impressed with anxiety, she was not as careful as she might have been in

-noting the number of her room.

-

-Guided by a light which she saw shining in a chamber, and which she

-supposed was the one she had left, she entered, and gently raising the

-bed clothes, &c., laid the warm poultice upon a stomach but not the

-stomach of Uncle Abe.

-

-"Hello there! What the -------- are you about?" shouted a voice of

-thunder, and the body and sleeves? whence it issued, sprang out of bed.

-

-The lady screamed and ran; Uncle Abe rushed to the rescue from the next

-room, the waiters joined and a small scene ensued, much to the amusement

-of all concerned. The poulticed gentleman had indiscreetly left a light

-in his room, and this lured the lady from her path.

-

-Uncle Abe was so amused and excited by the mistake that he quite forgot

-his pains; but early the next morning, with his wife and trunks,

-left for Springfield, 111. The poulticed man still retains the

-handkerchief--a beautiful cambric--with the lady's name on it, the

-initials of Frances Amelia E. Todd.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe as School Superintendent.

-

-When Uncle Abe kept grocery on the Sangamon he was elected as School

-Superintendent out of his district. It was his duty to examine the

-applicant teachers on mathematics; which he once did in this wise in his

-grocery store. "If two pigs weigh twenty pounds how much will a large

-hog weigh."

-

-"Jump into the scales," said the weilder of the birch, "and I'll soon tell

-you."

-

-Abe did not examine him further in mathematics.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Nose.

-

-Uncle Abe being asked once why he walked so crookedly? said, "Oh my

-nose, you see, is crooked, and I have to follow it!"

-

-

-

-

-Take Away the Fowls.

-

-After Uncle Abe had studied law some time and whilst travelling in the

-Prairie country in Knox County, Illinois, he stopped at the house of

-Mrs. Galt, an old Scotch lady whose husband was largely engaged in wool

-growing. Abe at this time was beginning to be proud of his learning,

-especially of his pronunciation of English. Mrs. Galt when dinner was

-over desired the servant in waiting to take away the fowls, which she,

-(as is sometimes done in Scotland), pronounced _fools_, "I presume,

-madam, you mean fowls" said Abe rather sententiously. "Very well, be it

-so," said Mrs. Galt; "take away the _fowls_, but let the _fool_ remain!"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Well Fed.

-

-Old Whitey, Abe's school master, said to him angrily one day, "Abraham

-you are better fed than taught!"

-

-"Should think I was," said Abe, "as I feed myself and you teach me!"

-

-Uncle Abe says there is a good deal of the devil in the Rebels. They

-sometimes fight like him, frequently run like him, and always lie like

-him.

-

-

-

-

-A Man of Means.

-

-Uncle Abe was asked by a client whether his neighbor Brown was "a man of

-means."

-

-"Well I reckon he ought to be," said Abe, "for he is just the meanest

-man in Springfield."

-

-

-

-

-Call Again.

-

-When Uncle Abe was taken sick recently, and Mrs Lincoln had sent for

-the doctor; Uncle Abe, having an aversion to physic, said, he had better

-call another time, as he was too sick then to joke with him.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Swapped when a Baby.

-

-Abe when asked whether he could account for his excessive homeliness

-said "when I was two months old I was the handsomest child in Kentuck,

-but my nigger nurse swapped me off for another boy just to please

-a friend who was going down the river whose child was rather plain

-looking."

-

-

-

-

-Hit at Antietam.

-

-Another story of Uncle Abe, too good to be lost, has leaked out. It

-seems he had accompanied a young lady to one of the hospitals in

-the capitol where the sympathizing creature, as in duty bound became

-interested in a wounded soldier. To all her inquiries as to the location

-of the wound, however, she could only get one reply, thus: "My good

-fellow where were you hit!"

-

-"At Antietam."

-

-"Yes, but where did the bullet strike you?"

-

-"At Antietam."

-

-"But where did it hit you!"

-

-"At Antietam." Becoming discouraged, she deputized Uncle Abe to

-prosecute the inquiry, which he did successfully Upon his rejoining her,

-she was more curious than, ever, when the President, taking both her

-hands in his said in his most impressive style. "My dear girl, the ball

-that hit _him_, would not have injured _you_."

-

-

-

-

-A Poor Crop.

-

-An old acquaintance of Uncle Abe's called upon him a short time since

-with the view to getting hold of a contract. Uncle Abe told him that

-contracts were not what they were in Cameron's time. "In fact," said he,

-"they remind me now of a piece of meadow land on the Sangamon bottoms

-during a drouth."

-

-"How was that?" said the Sucker--"Why," said Abe, looking rather

-quizical, "the grass was so short that they had to lather before they

-could mow it."

-

-

-

-

-Handy in Case of Emergencies.

-

-During the fall of 1863, Uncle Abe was riding on the Virginia side of

-the Potomac, between Arlington Heights and Alexandria, accompanied by

-Dr. N-------- of New Jersey. Passing the huge earth-work fortifications,

-the Doctor observed: "Mr. President, I have never yet been enabled to

-discover the utility of constructing and maintaining those forts. What

-is your opinion about them?"

-

-"Well doctor," replied Uncle Abe, "you are a medical man! and I will ask

-you a question in the line of your profession. Can you tell me the use

-of a man's nipples?"

-

-"No I can't" said the doctor "Well I can tell you," said Uncle

-Abe,--"They would be mighty handy if he happened to have a child."

-

-

-

-

-Value of a Reputation.

-

-A client of Uncle Abe's was tried for stealing, in Springfield,

-Illinois, when it was satisfactorily proven that he had acknowledged the

-theft to several persons. Uncle Abe argued in behalf of his client that

-he was such an abominable liar that no one could believe him and the

-jury ought not to. The judge charged against the prisoner, but to his

-astonishment the jury brought in a verdict that the accused was entirely

-unworthy of belief; and he was therefore acquitted.

-

-

-

-

-Didn't Like the Name.

-

-A young U. S. Officer being indicted at Chicago, for an assault on

-an aged gentleman, Uncle Abe began to open the case thus: "this is an

-indictment against a soldier for assaulting an old man."

-

-"Sir," indignantly interrupted the defendant, "I am no soldier, I am an

-officer!"

-

-"I beg your pardon," said Abe, grinning blandly; "then, gentlemen of the

-jury, this is an indictment against _an officer_, who is _no soldier_,

-for assaulting an old man."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Good Bye.

-

-When Uncle Abe joined the Sangamon Militia and entered on the Black Hawk

-war campaign, his Colonel was a small snipe of a fellow about four feet

-three inches. Physically, of course, Uncle Abe looked down upon his

-Colonel. Abe had rather a slouching look and gait at that time, and

-attracted by his awkward appearance, the dapper little Colonel thus

-saluted the future Executive and manufacturer of both Colonels and

-Brigadiers. "Come, Uncle Abe, hold up your head; higher, fellow!"

-

-"Yes sir."

-

-"Higher, fellow--higher." Abe stretched his lank neck to its greatest

-altitudinous tension and said, "What--so, Sir?"

-

-"Yes, fellow, a little higher."

-

-"And am I always to remain so?"

-

-"Yes, fellow, certainly!"

-

-"Then," said Uncle Abe, with a woeful countenance, "good bye, Colonel,

-for I shall never see _you again!_"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Last.

-

-Yesterday a Western correspondent, in search for something definite in

-relation to the fighting now going on, stepped into the White House and

-asked the President if he had anything authentic from Gen. Grant.

-The President stated that he had not, as Grant, was like the man that

-climbed the pole and then pulled the pole up after him.-- _Washington

-Union, May 16_.

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Lincolniana, by Andrew Adderup

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-The Project Gutenberg EBook of Lincolniana, by Andrew Adderup

-

-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with

-almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or

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-

-

-Title: Lincolniana

-       Or The Humors of Uncle Abe

-

-Author: Andrew Adderup

-

-Release Date: April 14, 2014 [EBook #45386]

-

-Language: English

-

-Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1

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-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LINCOLNIANA ***

-

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-

-Produced by David Widger from page images generously

-provided by the Internet Archive

-

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-

-

-

-LINCOLNIANA

-

-OR THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE

-

-By ANDREW ADDERUP

-

-1864

-

-[Illustration: 0001]

-

-[Illustration: 0003]

-

-[Illustration: 0005]

-

-

-Preface

-

-Is Joe Miller "complete?" I doubt it, maugre the pretenses of

-title-pages. An old joke is sometimes like a piece of painted glass in

-a kaleidoscope--every turn gives it a new aspect, and the new view is

-sometimes taken for the original phase. Perhaps this is true of some

-herein, although I am unconscious of that being so. If the accusation be

-made, try Uncle Abe first, for he is used to trials. As for me, I shall

-plead my privilege of telling you "the tale as it was told to me." But

-if these "little jokes" be not "sworn upon" for Miller, they shall stand

-for Uncle Abe--the writer hereof claiming only a godfathership. And

-others shall follow as fast as I glean them. To aid this purpose, let

-everybody who has a "good thing" send it to the publisher of this, and

-duly it will appear in the "complete" edition of Uncle Abe's jokes,

-always excepting the last, for the act of dying over will remind him of

-some little story with a _hic jacet_ moral.

-

-ANDREW ADDERUP.

-

-Springfield, Ill., April 1, 1864.

-

-

-

-

-LINCOLNIANA; OR, THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE,

-

-

-

-An Involuntary Black Republican.

-

-Sometime after Mr. Lincoln's well remembered passage of the rebel

-Rubicon at Baltimore, some radical Republicans, who thought they saw

-some signs of the President's backwardness in vindicating the Chicago

-platform, went in committee to the White House to beg him to carry out

-his principles--or rather to stretch them in Queen Dido's style.

-

-"I don't know about it, gentlemen," replied Uncle Abe; "with a pretty

-strong opposition at home and a rebellion at the South, we'd best push

-republicanism rather slow. Fact is, I'm worse off than old blind Jack

-Loudermill was when he got married on a short courtship. Some one asked

-him a few days after, how he liked his new position. 'Dunno,' said he;

-'I went it blind to start with, and ain't had a chance to feel my way to

-a conclusion yet.' So it is with me. Perhaps you can see further than I

-can, to me the future is dark and lowering; and we have now got to feel

-every step of our way forward. Making Republicans used to be hard work,

-and I don't see as I could do much at it now, unless I proselyte by

-giving fat offices to weak-kneed opponents; but that," continued

-Uncle Abe, with a sly look toward several of his old Illinois friends,

-"would'nt be quite fair to those who believe that 'to the victors belong

-the spoils.' Your idea about pushing things reminds me of the first

-_black_ Republican I ever made."

-

-And the President threw his left leg over his right and subsided into

-that air of _abandon_ which denotes his pregnancy of a good story.

-

-"You see, gentlemen," he began, "in my boyhood days, I had a slim chance

-for schooling, and did'nt improve what I did have. Occasionally a Yankee

-would wander into Kentuck, and open a school in the log building that

-was a church and school house as well, and keep it till he got starved

-out or heard of a better location. One Fall a bald headed, sour-visaged

-old man came along and opened the school, and my people concluded I must

-go; as usual the big boys soon began to test the master, who, though he

-was a patient Jeffersonian Republican, seemed very tyrannical to us. My

-good nature singled me out soon, as the scapegoat of the school, and I

-got more than my share of the birch: at least, my back was as good as an

-almanac, for every day of the week was recorded there. But, though this

-record of past time was no pastime to me, I could stand it better than I

-could the taunts and jibes of the boys out of school.

-

-"One morning when a half dozen of us were warming before the broad

-logwood fire, I noted a big fellow (who had got me flogged the day

-before) standing on the side opposite, his back to the blaze: both hands

-were partially open, one laid in the other; some would lay it to the

-devil, but it was only the spirit of revenge which prompted me to pick

-up a live coal, covered with ashes, and drop it into his hands. For a

-moment he did'nt mind it, but it burned all the deeper; when it did burn

-he jumped and bellowed like a stuck calf.

-

-"'Who made that noise?' Demanded old Whitey? the master.

-

-"'I made it,' replied the big fellow, rubbing his hands.

-

-"'Why?' more angrily demanded old Whitey.

-

-"'Some one put a coal of fire in my hand and burnt me,' sniffled the

-booby.

-

-"The big fellow, however, didn't know who did it. Some of the boys, who

-had a lurking pity for me, said it snapt into his hand; but the master

-'couldn't see it;' and at last it leaked out that 'Abe Lincoln done it.'

-

-"So you see, gentlemen," said Uncle Abe, moralizing, "I got the blame of

-a long score of supposititious shortcomings by one act of my own, pretty

-much as I had to bear the sins of my whole party in the late canvass,

-because of a few sins of my own."

-

-"'Abraham, come up here!' thundered the master, (By the way, gentlemen,

-my people always called me Abe--my wife still calls me plain Abe--but

-that old fellow called me _Abraham_ so often and so severely that I

-early dropped all claim to a definite appellative, and chose to be

-indefinitely 'A. Lincoln.') * But to go on. I got a deserved threshing

-that time, and a reputation withal for wickedness that saved all the

-little rogues in school. At last, however, I determined to be even with

-old Whitey, somehow.

-

-"It wasn't long till I worked out an idea. Just over the master's desk

-was a rude shelf, upon which he kept some books and a big-bellied bottle

-of ink, which some admirer of his Jeffersonian-Republican principles had

-presented him. I had observed that in stepping upon his desk platform,

-he never touched or moved his chair, beyond leaning back in it, which

-he always did, after taking his seat. So next day I robbed our old

-long-tailed white horse of a few hairs and braided them in a three

-stranded cord. While the master was gone out to his dinner, I put the

-thin glass ink bottle upon the edge of the shelf propped a-cant, and

-tied one end of the cord to the bottle, and the other end to the back

-of his chair. The boys sympathized with me, and were in an extacy of

-delight. Anon the master came. Without looking to the right or left, he

-marched sternly to the chair, and hence saw not the repressed titter of

-expectation that was ready to burst over the whole room. I stood just

-outside of the door expecting the result; he sat down and then leaned

-back. Down came the bottle, deluging the bald head in a shower

-of Stygian blackness! Yes, gentlemen, I fancy that was the first

-_black_ Republican ever made in Kentuck, but the conversion was too

-sudden."

-

-"How was that?" queried Cassius M. Clay.

-

-"Why," replied Uncle Abe, "he afterwards married a widow and----twelve

-negroes."

-

-     * When Mr. Lincoln was nominated, very many papers ran up

-     the name of "Abram Lincoln."

-

-

-

-

-The Wrong Pig by the Ear.

-

-I never knew a flash phrase worse used up than was one by Uncle Abe

-attending one of the neighboring Circuit Courts above Springfield. He

-was employed to aid a young County Attorney to prosecute some reputed

-hog thieves. The crime of hog stealing had become so common that the

-people were considerably excited and an example was determined on. The

-first person tried was acquitted on a pretty clear _alibi_ or pretty

-hard swearing. As the fellow thus acquitted was lounging round the Court

-House, Uncle Abe was passing, and he hailed him.

-

-"Well Mr. Lincoln, I reckon you got the wrong sow by the ear when you

-undertook to pen me up."

-

-"So it seems," replied Uncle Abe, blandly, "but really you must excuse

-me, pigs are so very much alike! In fact, people up here don't all seem

-to know their own."

-

-

-

-

-"Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln Live."

-

-In "Clay times," as the old farmers of Sangamon still recall the period

-of Henry Clay's powerful canvass for the Presidency, Uncle Abe had a

-wide circuit practice. In travelling to the various courts, he generally

-drove a horse and vehicle that some people will still remember. The

-horse had belonged to an undertaker, and the "funeral business,"

-together with years, had made him a grave and staid animal. His

-_physique_ presented those angularities that characterized his master,

-but unlike his owner, he was never known to perpetrate a joke or indulge

-in a "horselaugh." The vehicle was neither buggy, nor Jersey wagon,

-but had become, by virtue of alterations and repairs, what Uncle Abe

-afterwards described the Union under the plan of free and Slave States

-"neither one thing or the other." There was in fact an "eternal

-fitness" in horse and man that was not exactly a "standing joke," but a

-peripatetic one.

-

-I would give all my expectation of a brigadiership for a portrait of

-Uncle Abe seated in this strange "turnout," as he "might have been seen"

-wending his meditative way across the prairies.

-

-About this time Uncle Abe was nominated for Congress in the Sangamon.

-Yet he did not forego his business, but prosecuted his legal course, as

-well as all evil-doers who chanced to fall into his hands. He had

-just started on a circuit trip, to be gone a month. Often, since Mr.

-Lincoln's nomination for Congress, had Mrs. Lincoln begged him to add

-a second story to their humble dwelling, but he pleaded poverty. But a

-relation of Mrs. Lincoln's having died in Kentucky leaving her a

-small legacy, she determined her husband should have a house worthy a

-candidate for Congress. Doubtless she felt an inward satisfaction at the

-thought of furnishing a good surprise for her husband on his return. So

-she at once bought material, set mechanics at work, and in three weeks

-metamorphosed the dwelling into what political pilgrims to Springfield

-in 1860 will remember as a neat, two-story, clay-colored residence.

-

-Uncle Abe arrived home just after dark, and drove up to what he thought

-to be Eighth street, but not seeing his house, and thinking he had made

-a mistake, he drove round on to the next street. Recognizing the houses

-there; he again drove around to Eighth, and, passing his own house,

-recognized that occupied by W------n, a clever tailor, who was standing

-at his own gate.

-

-"Why, is that you, Wilkie?" (said Uncle Abe patronizingly.) W------n,

-assured him of his own identity, "Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln

-live now."

-

-"Well," said W------n, "The Loco's say he's so sure of his election that

-he's gone to Washington to select his seat; but Mrs. Lincoln lives now

-in that beautiful new two-story house you have just passed." Uncle Abe

-indulged in a quaint laugh, and then turned his ancient horse around,

-alighted and asked if Mrs. Lincoln lived in the house before which he

-stood. Mrs. Lincoln received him as a fond woman should receive her

-lord, and the return was the cause of much pleasant badinage in social

-circles.

-

-

-

-

-Too Literal Obedience.

-

-Gen. McClellan was complaining to Uncle Abe of one of his division

-commanders, who had literally obeyed an order publicly given for the

-purpose of hood-winking the rebels through the aid of the numerous

-undetected spies known to lurk in the camp as well as the capital.

-

-"That reminds me of a little story--a little thing that happened to me

-when I was out in the Black Hawk war," said Uncle Abe.

-

-"You see, after we brought the Foxes to terms, they were as sweet as

-wild honey. The women especially tried to make a good thing out of the

-defeat of their braves, by selling us moccasins, deerskin breeches, &c.

-One squaw in particular, made beautiful breeches, and I concluded to

-have a pair made. How she was to fit my spindles, puzzled me at first,

-as the Indians are no tailors in any _measurable_ degree. At last I

-bethought me of an old pair which I had in my saddle bag, and these I

-gave to her that she might rip them open and use the parts for patterns.

-When she brought the new ones home, I was not a little angry to find

-that she had exactly imitated the old patch on the nether parts of the

-new breeches."

-

-Little Mac smiled in his peculiar grave way, and remarked that when he

-gave an order for a similar purpose, he would tell this story by way of

-a hint.

-

-

-

-

-How Uncle Abe Felt.

-

-Soon after Uncle Abe's defeat by Judge Douglas in 1848, (whereby Douglas

-unwittingly made a President) some one asked Uncle Abe how he felt over

-the result.

-

-"Well," said he, "I feel a good deal like a big boy I knew in Kentuck.

-After he'd got a terrible pounding by the school master, someone asked

-him how he felt? 'Oh! said he, it hurt so awful bad, I couldn't laugh,

-and I was too big to cry over it.' That's just my case."

-

-It is presumed the questioner got an idea how a defeated politician

-feels.

-

-

-

-

-P.P.P.

-

-Soon after the advent of Uncle Abe at the White House, the pressure of

-aspirants for official positions was perfectly crushing.

-

-In fact, Uncle Abe sometimes got so flustered by their bedevilment, that

-he not only failed to recollect an illustrating anecdote, but soon lost

-his temper.

-

-One of the Illinois applicants--a fellow named Jeff.

-

-D------r, was particularly a bore, seeming to think it part of the

-Chicago platform to give every village politician an office.

-

-"Seems to me, Jeff," said Uncle Abe, "you got the Chicago platform

-reduced to enormous brevity--in fact, just three p's would seem to

-express your idea of it."

-

-"How's that, Mr. Lincoln?" inquired-Jeff.

-

-"Why, it looks to me as if it was patriotism, place and plunder, and a

-mighty important plea is the last one, I reckon."

-

-Jeff was silent for a while, but bored on until he "struck ile" in the

-shape-of a clerkship.

-

-

-

-

-Rattaned for a Rat Joke.

-

-Just after the retreat of the rebels from Bull Run, when it leaked

-out that our troops had been held at bay by wooden or Quaker guns, a

-Pennsylvanian Congressman remarked to Uncle Abe--"Well, Mr. Lincoln, you

-see that Quaker principles even embodied in wood may be of some service

-in war."

-

-"Yes, but as you see in that shape, they are only substituted

-principles; such things may do once, but found out, they will avail

-worse than nothing. Your remark, however, 'reminds me of a little

-story.'

-

-"When I was a youngster of fifteen or so, I went to an 'Academy' for a

-few weeks, just to brush up my old-field school learning. Such schools

-are called Academies in the East, to distinguish their intermediate

-position between colleges and common schools; but in Kentuck and

-the West, generally the high sounding title merely meant that the

-'principal' taught a few branches ahead of the old-field schools. Well,

-the rats were thick about the old building where we daily gathered

-to reap the fruit of knowledge; and as many of the boys brought their

-dinners and threw the fragments under their old-fashioned box desks,

-they soon grew as bold as they were thick. The teacher had a mortal

-antipathy to rats, and as I didn't 'take' to the teacher, I naturally

-encouraged the rats. Whenever one showed himself, he was sure to get a

-whack from the old teacher's rattan. Sometimes he missed his aim at the

-rats, but never at us boys, which was owing, perhaps, to the difference

-in the size of the game.

-

-"An industrious rat had made a hole from beneath the floor up under my

-desk, and thence out through the end, and as I fed him well he was quite

-tame. Often during school hours he would come up and peer out into the

-aisles through his hole in the end of the desk, and whenever he was seen

-by the teacher, he was sure to see the rattan whirling in the air. An

-idea struck me one day. I got a dead rat--I did not like to kill my

-pet--and stuffing it, made quite a good-looking 'Quaker' rat. Then I

-fixed some springs so I could work my rat out and in at pleasure; so

-whenever the teacher was looking up, my rat was always out; but when

-the whack came down, he was in betimes. At last he seemed to think it

-wondrous tame, and the ill-suppressed titter of the school boys finally

-made him suspicious. The boys had been let into my secret, and relished

-it hugely, and I was too prone to give a few exhibitions. At last the

-teacher watched me sharper than he did the rat, and then caught me in

-the act. He got hold of the rat and beat me alternately with rat and

-switch, and you may well guess, I was well rattaned. If soldiers who use

-wooden guns ever get worse usage, I pity them."

-

-The 300 Pounder Parrot since used by the Government, shows Uncle Abe's

-poor appreciation of Quaker guns and Quaker principles.

-

-

-

-

-The State House Struck by Whiggery.

-

-Soon after the State House at Springfield was erected, in 1840, Mr.

-Lincoln stood on the east side of the Capitol Square one day, in

-conversation with a Democratic friend, who was loth to believe that the

-Whigs could carry the State for "Tip and Ty."

-

-"Nothing is more morally certain," said Uncle Abe. "All the signs of

-the times point to it, and--why even the State House is struck with

-Whiggery" he said, pointing up under the eves, where is yet seen a

-remarkable representation of a "coon" in the stone.

-

-

-

-

-Graphic and True.

-

-When Hon. Emerson Etheridge escaped from Tennessee during the summer

-of 1862, his opinions on Tennessee affairs were eagerly listened to in

-Washington. Among other questions, Uncle Abe asked:

-

-"Do the Methodist clergy in your State take to secession?"

-

-"Take? Why, sir, they take to it like a duck to water, or a sailor to a

-duff kid."

-

-

-

-

-A Judge of the Post Office.

-

-Judge David Davis of Bloomington, Illinois, who was recently appointed

-(by Uncle Abe) to a position on the bench of the Supreme Court of

-the United States, is known to many of his friends as one of the best

-hearted men in the world. His, is withal, full of the piety of good

-humor. I call it "piety," because I think a smiling face is a perpetual

-thanksgiving to God. His benevolence, however, edges down his wit, and

-gives it more the characteristic of humor, strictly speaking. This,

-while it may have helped that "belly with fat capon lined," has kept him

-at peace with himself and the world.

-

-On one occasion, while Judge Davis was presiding at the Logan County

-Circuit Court, a case came up that involved a question of postal law.

-Uncle Abe was on the case, and politely loaned Judge D. a small manual

-of postal law, that he might see for himself what the letter of the

-law was. The Judge gave his understanding of the law, but had hardly

-finished when Mr. S------s, a burley farmer from Clear Creek, jumped up

-and sang out--

-

-"I reckon that ain't so, Judge. I've been Post-Master more'n a dozen

-years, and I reckon I ought to know what's Post Office law."

-

-Of course Judge Davis had every right to fine the man for contempt, but

-he had a different way of treating such cases. "With a tone in which

-sarcasm only slightly blended, he said:

-

-"Truly, I think you ought, Mr. S------s. It has never been my privilege

-to be a Post-Master, and I would like your opinion in this case. Please

-step this way."

-

-The Judge moved over and made room on the bench, which Mr. S------s

-occupied, and proceeded to give _his_ opinion on the mooted question.

-The bar sat smiling in expectation.

-

-"Keep your seat, Mr. S------s, while I speak a word with my friend

-Parks."

-

-Uncle Abe it was who had been interrupted, so he resumed:

-

-"May it please the Court, I had some doubt on this point myself, so

-I borrowed the usual manual of Postal Law, to be perfectly assured.

-I regret to contend that the clear letter of the law conflicts--sadly

-conflicts--with the view just taken by Judge S------s;" but here the bar

-indulged in a quiet "smile" without a stick in it, and it just popped

-into Mr. S------'s head, that he was out of place, and he skedaddled in

-haste.

-

-"The largest _pussie_ Judge that sat on our bench," remarked Will Wyatt.

-From that day to this, Mr. S------s, has never lost the title he so

-suddenly gained.

-

-

-

-

-I'm an Inderlid.

-

-One day while Uncle Abe was attending to a case at Mount Pulaski, (the

-country seat of Logan County, Illinois,) he was beset by old B------s,

-a worthy farmer, but a notorious malaprop, for an opinion as to his

-amenability to the road tax. "You look here, Mr. Lincoln, these fellows

-here want to make me work on the road."

-

-"Well!" said Uncle Abe.

-

-"Well, I tells them that they can't do it, cause I'm an _inderlid_, you

-see."

-

-(Of course Uncle Abe concurred in B------s opinion, and forgot to charge

-a fee.)

-

-"On another occasion, he wanted John G. Gillette, the great cattle

-dealer, to _proximate_ him because he'd got the best pair of cattle

-scales in Logan County."

-

-

-

-

-How Uncle Abe got his Sobriquet.

-

-Some one ventured to ask Uncle Abe, soon after his arrival at the White

-House, how he got the sobriquet of "Honest Abe."

-

-"Oh," said he, "I suppose my case was pretty much like that of a country

-merchant I once read of. Some one called him a 'little rascal.' 'Thank

-you for the compliment,' said he. 'Why so?' asked the stigmatizer.

-'Because that title distinguishes me from my fellow tradesmen, who are

-all _great_ rascals.'"

-

-"So honest lawyers were so scarce in Illinois that you were thus

-distinguished from them?" persisted the questioner.

-

-"Well," quoth Uncle Abe, glancing slyly at Douglas, Sweet, and others

-from Illinois, "it's hard to say where the honest ones are."

-

-

-

-

-"I'll take Number Eleven too."

-

-Thirty-five or forty years ago, a trip from Sangamon or Macon County, to

-St. Louis, was an event to be talked of. It took as long to make it, and

-furnished food for as much rustic enquiry and comment, as does a voyage

-to Europe now. Uncle Abe had then given up rail-splitting, and was

-studying law. Having a little while before treated himself to a (then)

-rare thing, a suit of "store clothes;" and a neighbor being about to

-leave for St. Louis, he resolved to go along. As the teams toiled on at

-the rate of fifteen or twenty miles a day, they were gradually joined by

-others, till the train presented somewhat the sights now to be seen on

-our great overland routes to the Pacific.

-

-On arrival at St. Louis, Abe determined to see high life, and

-accordingly made tracks for a letter A. No. 1, first class Hotel.

-The Old City Hotel was then the only house that could claim that

-distinction. There the merchants congregated, and there the Indian

-trader sought relaxation from frontier hardships, while the rough

-trapper was content with the humble fare of the "Hunter's Home."

-

-I forget what association called out this reminiscence of that trip; but

-there can be no harm in repeating the story. Such mishaps have befallen

-incipient greatness before.

-

-At the dinner table, each waiter was provided with a wine card, and each

-guest had his wine charged to the number of his room, simply calling

-out, as for instance, Sherry No. 9, &c. A jolly Indian trader, sat just

-opposite Abe, who betimes called "Claret, No 11." Abe saw that most of

-the guests were similarly providing for themselves, and concluded not to

-appear penurious, so he said he'd take some wine too.

-

-"What kind, sah?" asked the waiter.

-

-"Oh, I'll take the same,"--pointing to the bottle just called for by the

-Indian trader.

-

-"What number, sah?"

-

-Abe was puzzled. Ho had not been used to wine or hotel life; but it was

-only a moment before he broke the ice.

-

-"Oh, I'll just take No. 11 too."

-

-The trader looked up surprised, while several others near by, smiled a

-faint comprehension as to the state of affairs.

-

-"Why, young man," said the trader, "that is my number, and mine is a

-single room."

-

-"I beg pardon," stammered Abe, conscious that he had betrayed rusticity

-and ignorance; but not knowing exactly how to extricate himself, the

-good-hearted trader came to his aid--

-

-"Were you ever in the city before?" asked he.

-

-"Never before."

-

-"Well, then, in memory of your advent, it shall be No. 11 too," and he

-quietly pushed the bottle across the table. So agreeable was he that

-Abe rallied, and the second bottle followed the fate of the first. On

-renewing the conversation after dinner, the trader was satisfied that

-Abe had 'lots' of 'horse sense,' but little of worldly experience,

-and he friendlily invited him to go out with him as a clerk; but, Abe

-declined. Had he gone--what? Perhaps he might have become a respectable

-Indian trader--perhaps he never had been elected President, and perhaps

-we would have had no rebellion.

-

-

-

-

-A Severe Retort.

-

-Uncle Abe took a great liking to the late Col. Ellsworth, and afterwards

-did him the honor of making a Colonel of him. The rebel Jackson did

-the rest, but enough of that. Many of our readers will recall the

-slim, spruce figure of Col. Ellsworth as he paraded the streets

-of Springfield, dressed in a unique Zouave uniform, a mere boy in

-appearance. He was full of animal spirits. He and Bob O'Lincoln were

-cutting up didoes in the Law office of Lincoln and Hornden, which

-greatly annoyed Uncle Abe, and he gently reproved them. Bob, a little

-nettled, replied by quoting the common couplet:

-

-``"A little nonsense now and then,

-

-``Is relished by the wisest men."

-

-"Yes," said Uncle Abe, looking severely at Bob, "that's the difference

-between a wise man and a fool who relishes it all the time."

-

-Bob subsided, and Ellsworth betook himself anew to Blackstone.

-

-

-

-

-Had all the Time there Was.

-

-When Uncle Abe used to attend the Courts in the regions round about

-Sangamon, he generally made easy stays, and was wont to look at the

-country and talk to the people at his leisure. On one occasion he

-was riding by the premises of old H------, who was notorious for his

-unthriftiness, and who was in the act of driving some stray hogs out of

-his corn-field.

-

-"Good morning, Mr. H------," said Uncle Abe.

-

-"Morning, Mr. Lincoln, morning."

-

-"Why don't you mend that piece of fence thoroughly, Mr. H------, and

-keep the pigs out?" asked Uncle Abe.

-

-"Ha'n't got time," said H------.

-

-"Why," said Uncle Abe, with an air of blended reproof and humor, "you've

-got all the time there is Mr. H------."

-

-Whether H------ mended his fence and his thriftless habits, this

-deponent knoweth not; but has often thought how true was the remark,

-whether as a joke or an admonition. Every second, minute or hour is

-ours--ours to use or ours to squander. How wontonly wasteful would be

-the rich man who should stand upon a vessel's deck and cast his million

-golden coins into the sea; yet day after day we stand upon the shores of

-eternity, and cast the golden moments into the unreturning past. All the

-knowledge and wealth of the world is but the result of improved time. So

-don't say you "havn't got time," for you've got all there is, as Uncle

-Abe says.

-

-

-

-

-Could Stand it a Day or Two,

-

-About the time this occurred, there stood on one side of Capitol Square,

-in Springfield, a Hotel, now doubtless out of memory of most of the

-occupants of the out-lots and additions which speculators have hitched

-to the original village. In its day it was a "first-class hotel," but

-it waned before the "American" and is now among the "things that were."

-There were some who doubted the cleanliness of the _cuisine_, and

-"thereby hangs a tale."

-

-Judge Brown arrived in town and put up at the aforesaid hotel, whereat,

-Uncle Abe, on meeting him, expressed his regret, begging him to become

-_his_ guest. The Judge would fain not trouble his friend.

-

-"But you know the reputation of the place--the kitchen?" said Uncle Abe.

-

-"I've heard of it," said the Judge; "but as I want to keep my appetite,

-I always shun the kitchen, if not the cooks."

-

-"But surely, can't you see by the table alone, Judge?"

-

-"I know, Mr. Lincoln, but I'm going to stop only a day or two, and I

-guess I can stand for that time what the landlord's family stand all

-their lives."

-

-Speaking of Hotels, reminds me of a little episode of one of Uncle

-Abe's professional visits to Cairo, in Egypt, a town fenced in with

-mud-banks and celebrated for its mud-holes and mean whisky. Thereabouts

-is a Hotel, and thereat Uncle Abe stopped because the water forbade

-further traveling. When his bill was presented to him next morning,

-he ventured to remark, "that his accommodation had not been of the most

-agreeable kind."

-

-"We are very much crowded," apologetically replied the landlord.

-

-"But I had hard work to get breakfast this morning."

-

-"Yes," continued the apologist, "we are greatly in need of help."

-

-"Well, well," said Uncle Abe, "you keep a first rate hotel in one

-respect."

-

-"Ah!" said the landlord, brightening up, "in what respect is that?"

-

-"Your bills," said Undo Abe, vanishing towards the "Central" cars.

-

-The Ky-ro-ite landlord perhaps thought he ought to be well compensated

-for keeping a hotel in such a place. A man of his sort used to "keep

-tavern" in Pasy County, Indiana, several years ago. A pedestrian stopped

-with him over night, for which the charge was 2.50.

-

-"Why, landlord," said he, "this is an outrageous bill."

-

-"You mean it's a big'un?" said the insatiate Boniface.

-

-"Yes, I do."

-

-"Well, stranger, we keep tavern here."

-

-"What has that to do with such a bill?"

-

-"Look at that'ere sign, stranger--cost ten dollars; your'n the fust

-trav'ler that's bin along for three weeks, and we can't afford to keep

-tavern for nothin--_we_ can't!"

-

-

-

-

-Not the Worst of it.

-

-Gov. Morgan, of New York, was urging the employment of General W------in

-active service, Seward objected, that he was "too old" for the emergency

-of the times.

-

-"Yes," said Uncle Abe, "we've got too many old officers in the army, and

-that is not the worst of it--_we've got two many old women_ there!" This

-was when Uncle Abe's faith was strong in little Mac.

-

-"Some conclusions;" said Uncle Abe on one occasion, "are nonsequential.

-To say that Rome was not built in a day, does not prove that it was

-built in a night."

-

-

-

-

-Accoutred en Militaire.

-

-In the outset of the famous Black-hawk war in Illinois, a "hoss company"

-was raised in the region where Uncle Abe was (then) a rising lawyer.

-I say rising, although he had then reached a height sufficient to

-help himself to most blessings--and he, the aforesaid U.A., was chosen

-Captain. Uncle Abe rode a "slapping stallion," who was either naturally

-restive, or appreciated his new honor too highly--at any rate, he

-corvetted and pirouetted like a very Bucephalus. At last he unhorsed

-his rider, who landed sprawling on the prairie in one of those green

-excrescences that abound where bovine herds range. As the discomfitted

-Uncle Abe rose, and surveyed his predicament, old Pierre Menard, who was

-a near spectator, remarked in his broken French:

-

-"Vell, I nevair sees any man accoutred en militaire like zat before."

-

-Most old suckers pronounce accoutred as the Yankees do the word

-cowcumber, and this rendered Menard's joke more unctious.

-

-

-

-

-Perils of Illinois Lawyers.

-

-Years ago, when the capital of Suckerdom was a village of less

-"magnificence" than it now presents--when Lincoln, Harden, Baker,

-McDougal, Douglas, Shields and Ferguson were all village lawyers, and

-scarcely known to fame--Judge Thomas Brown was on the Supreme bench

-of the State. He was to some extent a "character;" but not a very

-successful lawyer. He went to California, since when he has been

-generally lost sight of; but his old friends may be assured that if he

-is in the "land of the living," Uncle Abe's tax collectors will find

-him. But that's neither here nor there. His ideas of the perils of

-practicing law in Illinois, in early times, is what is now before the

-reader.

-

-On one occasion, after he had changed his residence to Peoria, having

-some business to transact in Springfield, he arrived in that place and

-put up at the old American House, (now kept by Henry Bidgely, Esq.)

-He chanced to mention the name of Peoria. Instantly the attention of a

-countryman was fixed, upon him, who, at the first opportunity accosted

-him--

-

-"From Peoria, Squar?"

-

-"Yes."

-

-"Much acquainted?"

-

-"Pretty well, Sir."

-

-"Know a lawyer up there named H------g R------s?"

-

-"Yes sir."

-

-"How's he getting along?"

-

-"Oh, first rate--devilish lucky man."

-

-"He's getting hold of considerable land, hain't he?"

-

-"Yes a deal--devilish lucky man.

-

-"Yes--large--devilish lucky man."

-

-"Look here, Squar," said the countryman, evidently puzzled at R------s

-being so devilish lucky.

-

-"What do you mean about his being so lucky?"

-

-"Mean? why I call any man lucky that practices law twenty years in

-Illinoiss, and don't get into the penitentiary."

-

-

-

-

-Couldn't Make a Presidential Chair.

-

-"Mr. Lincoln," said an ardent sovereignty man just at the beginning of

-the last Presidential contest "Mr. Douglas is a cabinet maker."

-

-"He _was_ when I first knew him," said Uncle Abe "but he gave up the

-business so long ago, that I don't think he can make a Presidential

-chair now." Uncle Abe proved himself a prophet, although at a tremendous

-cost to the country.

-

-

-

-

-"Couldn't see It in that Light."

-

-A delegation of temperance men recently sought to influence Uncle Abe to

-take some stringent steps to suppress intemperance in our armies. Among

-other reasons urged, they said our armies were often beaten because of

-intemperance.

-

-"Is that so?" said Undo Abe. "I've heard on all sides that the rebels

-drink more than our boys do, and I can't see why our boys, who drink

-less, are more liable to get whipped."

-

-"But you know the corrupting influence of the army in regard to drinking

-habits," pursued the Committee.

-

-"I've heard that, too," said Uncle Abe, "but I think they will do pretty

-well _if I can keep them out of Washington!_"

-

-The Committee didn't carry their measure, by a jug full.

-

-

-

-

-Too Tough for the Rebels.

-

-When the Illinois boys gathered at Springfield, under the call of the

-ten regiment bill, they were quartered on the fair grounds, just out

-of the city. All the stalls were filled with troops, before which were

-signs as "St. Nicholas," "Richmond House," etc., etc. Charley W------,

-on going through the fair grounds, looked into the "Richmond House," and

-said--

-

-"Well, boys, how do you get along?"

-

-"Oh, first rate," replied the Chicagoians, "we're all _stall fed_."

-

-"Bully for you," said Charley; "hope you'll be too tough for the

-rebels."

-

-

-

-

-Little Mac Helped by an Illustration.

-

-"I can't seem to reap any advantage from the rebel movements," said

-McClellan, in consultation with Uncle Abe.

-

-"Oh, you just keep a watchful, careful eye on Leer and perhaps you will

-yet see how to make use of them, as old Mother Grundy did of her crooked

-wood."

-

-"Thereby hangs a tale," remarked little Mac, with one of his peculiar,

-quaint smiles.

-

-"You're right, General. Your remark reminded me of a good old

-neighbor of my father's, in Kentucky, who died many years ago. She was

-sweet-tempered--few such in this world." Uncle Abe stopped as though a

-mental comparison had damaged some woman of his acquaintance. "Yes, her

-disposition was of that kind that extracts 'good from things evil.' And

-she was her husband's pride and boast. One day he was praising her to a

-neighbor."

-

-"'Look here, old man Grundy,' said the neighbor 'these women are just

-like cats--they are all right as long as you stroke the fur the right

-way, but reverse the movement, and you'll see the fire fly. Now, I'll

-tell you what, I bet a four-gallon keg of my four-year-old peach, that I

-can tell you how to make her as mad as a set-hen, if you dare to try."

-

-"'Done,' cried old man Grundy.

-

-"'Well, you just haul home all the crookedest sticks of wood you can

-find, and then see.'

-

-"Old man Grundy brought home a small load every day or two, and it was

-knotty and crooked as a pigs-tail; but not a word or look of complaint.

-For a week this continued, with the same result, when he asked the good

-wife how she liked the wood."

-

-"'Oh,'tis beautiful wood,' said she; 'it burns finely, and then it fits

-_around my pots and kettles just, as if 'twas made on purpose_.'"

-

-Lee did not fit into Mac's hand so well, yet the story was not without

-its use to him.

-

-

-

-

-An Acre of Fight.

-

-During the progress of the Senatorial campaign between Douglas and

-Lincoln, Uncle Abe came home to recreate a few days. Douglas, long used

-to the political arena, bore the fatigues of the canvass like a veteran.

-His custom was to bathe just after supper, getting some friend to rub

-him like a race horse, when he would sit down and enjoy his whisky

-and cigar. Lincoln, lank and abstemious, bore his yoke with evident

-weariness. But to the story.

-

-Uncle Abe went up into the Governor's room in the State House, where he

-was soon joined by many of the leading Republicans of the town. Some one

-remarked on his look of weariness. "It is a mighty contest," remarked

-Uncle Jesse Du Bois.

-

-"But Mr. Lincoln does not show his great appreciation of it upon the

-stand," remarked a Chicago correspondent, in allusion to Uncle Abe's

-good humored replies to Douglas.

-

-"But still, when the day's gladiatorial combat is over, it seems to

-me, as the Kentucky fellow said, that I had been through 'an acre of

-fight.'"

-

-"Give us that story, Abe," said Dr. Wallace, Uncle Abe's brother-in-law.

-

-"Well, one of my earliest recollections of a Kentucky Court, was a trial

-about a fight. It took place in the Court House grounds, and the Judge,

-thinking it constructable as a contempt of Court, sent out the Sheriff,

-and had the parties quickly brought before him. Both had bruised noses

-and beavers, and showed the unmistakable evidence of having been in

-a scrimage. The witnesses were numerous, and the evidence was so

-conflicting, that the Judge declared he could legally reach no other

-conclusion than that there had _been no fight at all_. But the Sheriff

-ventured to suggest:

-

-"Here's Jim Blowers--he had hold on one of them fellers, when I arrested

-them."

-

-"Mr. Clerk," said the Judge, "you will at once swear Mr. Blowers."

-

-"Now, Mr. Blowers," said the Clerk, "you will please tell the Court what

-you know about this affair."

-

-"Well, ax on."

-

-"Well, was there a fight between these parties?"

-

-"Just a bit of scrimage."

-

-"It was a real fight, was it?"

-

-"Well, some people would call it that."

-

-"How much of a fight was it?"

-

-"Oh, considerable--they pulled and hauled about kinder like two cows

-when they lock horns."

-

-"But, tell the Court more precisely?"

-

-"Well, I should say it was a right smart fight."

-

-"But _how_ much of a fight?"

-

-"Well, then, just about an acre, I reckon."

-

-It is needless to say that the crowd enjoyed the joke hugely.

-

-"It is easier to pay a small debt than a larger one."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Believes in the Intelligence of Oysters.

-

-In the year 1860 or thereabouts, when a great patent case was being

-tried in Chicago, and champagne and oysters were the favorite viands

-served nightly to Counsel and Jurors after the adjournment of Court, it

-happened that one Ed. D------n, a young patent lawyer from New York, was

-present on one of those occasions. Now, Ned is terribly afflicted with a

-determination of words to the mouth, and managed to monopolize the whole

-conversation. Ned had a speech to make upon everything, and kept buzzing

-around like a musquito, dipping his bill into everything animate or

-inanimate, no matter which. At last he began to officiate at serving out

-the oysters, and with ladle in hand, said in his usual stilted style,

-"I wonder whether this bivalve, this seemingly obtuse oyster, is endowed

-with any degree of intelligence." Uncle Abe looked at the puppy, who, by

-the way, had prevented him cracking a single one of his favorite jokes

-for the entire evening, and quaintly remarked, that "he was satisfied

-that an oyster knew when to shut up, and that was more than some

-New York lawyers knew." Ned has never propounded the query as to the

-intellect of oysters since.

-

-

-

-

-An Egyptian Snake Story

-

-The last county made in Illinois--I don't mean by the Legislature, but

-by Nature, and where dirt was so short that it lies under water part of

-the year--is called Alexander, and used to boast two rival towns, both

-thoroughly Egyptian in their nomenclative association--Cairo and Thebes.

-Twenty years ago Thebes was the "seat of justice;" but Cairo was then

-beginning to entertain magnificent expectations, and her citizens wanted

-to have the Court House removed to their town. The contest waxed warm.

-The Thebans contended that Cairo was only a "daub of mud on the tail

-of the State," while Thebes was destined to hold the same relation to

-Alexander, that its ancient namesake did to Egypt in the time of Menes.

-[See Herodotus.] But to settle the dispute, the Legislature must be

-appealed to, and that involved the choice of a man favorable to the

-change. This narrowed the fight right down to a hot county canvass

-between the Theban and Cairoine interests.

-

-A Cairo man conceived a scheme that was ahead of anything yet achieved

-by Uncle Abe's brigadiers in the way of "strategy." He wrapped a boulder

-in a green hide, making a perfectly round mass, to which he attached a

-mule; then night after night he drew the stone through sand and mud.

-By going on a straight line, the mule's tracks were concealed, and the

-track left, resembled that made by a huge serpent.

-

-[Illustration: 0041]

-

-These tracks were mainly in the south end of the county, and caused

-an excitement that almost absorbed the election interest. Soon it was

-reported that Mrs. so and so had seen a huge snake. The wonder grew

-apace. Anon it was currently reported that two men had seen the great

-serpent five miles above Cairo. The excitement increased. Several daring

-hunters followed the track, of which new ones were made every night;

-but the trail always led into water and was lost. Several persons missed

-hogs and calves, which were surmised to have gone into the capacious maw

-of the serpent. Finally word was given out that a great hunt was to come

-off in the lower part of the county, and the rendezvous was appointed.

-On the morning, hundreds were there from all parts of the county, and

-dividing into squads they started to scour the country about. At night

-they returned from their snakeless hunt, but so anxious were the people

-to get rid of his snakeship, that they furnished an abundance of edibles

-and whisky. All were in hilarious spirits, determined to renew the hunt

-on the following morning. By daylight the hunters were again on the

-tramp, and men from the lower part of the county happened to fall into

-the squad.

-

-About 3 o'clock in the afternoon, a squad of the bans hove in sight

-of a small village, _i.e._ one house a blacksmith shop and a grocery,

-where, seeing a large crowd assembled, they hurried up in expectation of

-seeing the dead monster. _But the men were voting!_

-

-"Thunder!" cried a Theban, "this is election day, and I'll bet my bottom

-dollar we're sold!"

-

-They started for the rendezvous and spread their suspicions; but so few

-reached their own precincts, that the Cairo man was elected.

-

-Then the joke came out; but the Thebans couldn't see the "laughing

-place;" their rage and mortification was so intense.

-

-Uncle Abe was a member of the Legislature, when an effort was made to

-change the county seat of Alexander; and though he liked the joke hugely

-by which the Thebans had been "diddled," he saw the honesty of the thing

-and so voted against any change.

-

-

-

-

-Why Uncle Abe Made a Brigadier.

-

-When the rebellion had gone so far as to give the most hopeful

-some clear idea of its extent and malignancy, it chanced that J. A.

-Mc------d, a leading politician of Illinois, made a visit to Washington,

-and imitated his friend Douglas so far as to call upon Uncle Abe. The

-"shoot" that certain prominent Democrats gave indication of taking,

-by talking of reconstruction and a Northwestern Republic, gave the new

-administration some concern. Uncle Abe was very sociable with Logan,

-Mac, and a few of their "ilk." So Uncle Abe not only extended to Mac the

-hospitalities of the White House, but accompanied him on a visit to the

-arsenal. While there, their attention was drawn to some muskets which

-the speculators had furnished to Cameron, and which were thought

-(generally) very dangerous to those who used them.

-

-Mac caught up one, and sighted along the barrel.

-

-"Do that again, Mac," said Uncle Abe.

-

-Mac complied. Uncle Abe was evidently struck with an idea, and Mac was

-anxious to know what it was like.

-

-"Why, Mac," said Uncle Abe, "I was thinking if we could get all our

-soldiers to make up that kind of a face, that the rebels couldn't stand

-it a moment." Mac didn't relish Uncle Abe's joke, as he was hopefully

-in pursuit of the third wife; but he put the best face he could upon the

-matter, and remarked to Uncle Abe--

-

-"Perhaps you'd better make me a Brigadier then!"

-

-"And why not?" asked Uncle Abe.

-

-Mac got his commission.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Puzzled.

-

-Uncle Abe was met one day near Springfield, by a conceited coxcomb, who

-had built him a house at some distance, and invited him to dinner.

-Uncle Abe did not much relish the Jackenape's acquaintance. In fact,

-as Justice Shallow has it, had "written him down an Ass." However, Abe

-enquired very minutely, where Snooks lived? "Thistle Grove," replied the

-verdant Snooks; "but there's no grove now, and not a single thistle!"

-

-"Eh, what!" cries Uncle Abe, "not a single thistle! Then what on airth

-do you live on?"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Divided on a Question.

-

-In 1840 or '41, Uncle Abo was a member of the Illinois Legislature.

-The Capital had lately been removed from Vandalia to Springfield. The

-Legislature met in the Presbyterian church.

-

-I have forgotten what measure was before the house; but it was one in

-which there were many members who did not wish to commit themselves.

-Uncle Abe was in this predicament. He sat near an open window, and when

-the clerk, calling the ayes and nays had got down to L's, Uncle Abe

-thrust his right leg out of the window, and was just drawing its long

-companion after it, when an anti-dodging member "seeing the game," shut

-the sash down and held Uncle Abe in a trap.

-

-"Lincoln," called out the Clerk.

-

-"Mr. Speaker," said Col. Thornton, "Mr. Lincoln is _divided_ on this

-question, and I move you that the sergeant at arms be sent to bring in

-that part of him that is out of the window."

-

-Uncle Abe was "_brought in_" amid a universal titter, to his evident

-mortification.

-

-In 1840, the Union generally went for Harrison; but Illinois,

-particularly, was democratic. When the Legislature met in the Fall

-of that year, the Whig members tried to break up the _new_ Session by

-absenting themselves from voting to adjourn the old Session _sine die_,

-so that they could Constitutionally meet the next Wednesday morning; the

-State Constitution requiring the Legislature to meet "the first Monday

-in December next, ensuing the election of members." After the breaking

-up of the morning Session, the Sergeant-at-arms hunted up the delinquent

-Whigs, and at 3 o'clock there was a quorum obtained, and the doors

-locked. The Springfield _Register_ of Dec. 11, 1840, mentions this

-matter, but thinks Uncle Abe "come off without damage, as it was noticed

-that his legs reached nearly from the window to the ground!"

-

-A proposition was afterwards humorously proposed, to add another story

-to the new State House, so that fugacious members would have to go down

-the water spouts if they ran!

-

-

-

-

-Tried for Scaring the Girls.

-

-Thirty years ago, when Springfield was blooming into the dignity of its

-Capitalive position, the American House was its great hotel, (and it

-isn't its smallest yet,) and the resort of those who loved to spend

-a few hours in the society of the _bon vivants_ who then

-assembled--Lincoln, Douglas, Shields, Ferguson, Herndon, (then a young

-man, but since the law partner of Uncle Abe,) and many others "not

-unknown to fame," could almost always be found here during the evening.

-

-One evening as they were sitting in free converse in the bar-room, one

-of the chamber maids came in and informed the landlord that a man was

-under her bed.

-

-It seems while stooping down to untie her gaiters, she saw a man under

-the bed. With rare presence of mind, she excused herself to her fellow

-servant as having forgotten some duty, and reported her discovery to

-the landlord. Boniface at once called for volunteers to secure the

-interloper. So eager were they for fun, that all volunteered. They

-surprised and captured the man, and brought him down to the bar-room;

-but what to do with him? was the next question. Springfield then had no

-vagabonds who made fees out of misfortunes--i.e. policemen--and it was

-determined to treat him with the prompt justice peculiar to that era. A

-court was therefore got together at once, all expectant of fun but the

-unfortunate culprit.

-

-Judge Thomas Brown was decided upon to act as Judge; Melborn, the

-talented, but eccentric State Attorney, was detailed to prosecute;

-and Lincoln and Douglas to defend the prisoner. Dr. Wallace acted as

-Sheriff, and upon the jury were Dr. Merriman, * Gen. Shields, John

-Calhoun (of Lecompton memory,) Uri Manly, and many other well known

-personages.

-

-Lawborn, though a regularly-educated and talented lawyer, took occasion

-not only to be as "funny as he could," but to imitate the prevailing

-style of oratory too common in Illinois--a style in which the

-Hard-shell-Baptist devil mingled with the rough dialect of the

-back-woodsman.

-

-"_May it please your Honor, and you, gentlemen of the Jury_: The

-Legislature of Illinois, though it has legislated upon every subject it

-could think of, has omitted to pass any act against a man being born as

-ugly as he pleases. If such an idea ever occurred to my friend Lincoln

-here, when in the Legislature, I know he would at once dismiss it,

-not only as too personal, but as repugnant to his honest heart. As for

-myself, I like ugly men. An ugly man stands up on his own merits. Nature

-has done nothing for him, and he feels that he must labor to supply the

-deficit by amiability and good conduct generally. There is not an ugly

-man in this room but has felt this. A pretty man, on the contrary,

-trusts his face to supply head, heart and everything. He is an anomaly

-in nature, as though the productions had been at fault as to sex, and

-sought to correct it when too late. They are girl's first loves, and

-doting husband's jealous bane. I confess I don't like pretty men half so

-well as I do pretty women.

-

-     * Afterward murdered and robbed on the Pacific.

-

-"No, gentlemen, ugliness is nothing. It is manners that is everything.

-The ugliest man that ever lived, never intentionally frightened a

-woman--nay, never was so unfortunate as to do so. But this creature,

-gentlemen of the Jury, this mendacious wretch whom you set in judgment

-upon--this creature, who would doubtless enter for a prize of beauty at

-a vanity fair--how has he failed in his duty to society? Why, gentlemen,

-by crawling under the bed upon which two fair damsels were about to

-expose their loveliness to Diana's envious gaze. Did he wish to woo

-them? Petruche's was rough in his wooing--this man was mean! Woman loves

-not surprises. Their hearts are fond of open sieges. This is the case of

-all women-kind. Maugre the slander of Hudibras:=

-

-``"He that woos a maid,

-

-``Must lie, love, and flatter."=

-

-"It is a _mystery_ that adds to beauty, and the woman who surrenders that

-to importunity or surprise, has lost half her vantage ground. The story

-of Guyges and Candaules' queen, if not paralleled here, is not without

-its moral. What else meant this wretch, gentlemen of the Jury, but to

-surprise these charming damsels when only armed with the light shield

-that the Huntress and the cotton plant throws over earthly beauty? Or,

-perhaps he meant more--his own guilty heart can only accuse him there.

-

-"Gentlemen of the Jury, the failure of our Legislature to provide a

-specific punishment for such miscreants, as this--lecherous creatures,

-who steal upon woman amid the mysteries of the bed-room--is no reason

-why society should fold its arms and leave woman's hidden beauties to be

-anatomized by guilty eyes. No, gentlemen of the Jury, outraged decency

-cries for its victim, and here he tremblingly, guiltily stands.

-

-"Gentlemen of the Jury, where are the spirits of the fathers of the

-Constitution? Are they not hovering over us in the air of the still

-summer day? Are they not wailing upon the winds that sweep over our

-prairies? Are they not heard in the sigh of the mountain pine? Are they

-not abroad in all lands, whispering to earth's downtrodden millions like

-a voice of hope? Yes, gentlemen of the Jury! and where was this creature

-then? Why, creeping under the bed of two girls, hazzarding the chance of

-overturning--well, it matters not."

-

---And much more, in a view that needed to be heard to be appreciated.

-

-Lincoln followed, illustrating with anecdotes meet for the place and

-occasion, of which I recollect only the opening. "Gentlemen of the

-Jury," said he, "the remarks of my friend Lawborn about ugly men, comes

-home to my bosom like the sweet oders of a rose to its neighboring great

-sister, the cabbage. It was a grateful, a just tribute to that neglected

-class of the community--ugly men, I wish to say something for my

-client, although it must in candor be admitted, that he had 'gone to

-pot.' I don't see why we should throw the kettle after him; he may be

-the victim of circumstances; he looks very bashful now, and it may be

-the girls scared him; who knows? At least I claim for him the benefit of

-a doubt.

-

-"Why, gentlemen, many of us have, or might have suffered from a

-concatenation of circumstances as strong as that under which my client

-labors. Let me relate a little personal anecdote in illustration. When

-I was making the secret canvass of this country, with my friend

-Cartwright, the Pioneer Preacher, we chanced to stop at the house of one

-of our old Kentucky farmers, whose log-cabin parlor, kitchen and hall

-were blended in one, and only separated at night by sundry blankets hung

-up between the beds. As we were candidates for the august Legislature of

-Illinois, our host treated us with the privacy of a blanket room. During

-the night I was awakened by some one throwing their leg over me with

-some force. I thought it was neighbor Cartright, and took hold of it to

-give it a toss back; but it didn't feel like one of his white oak legs,

-and while I was feeling it to ascertain the correctness of my half-awake

-doubts, a stifled scream thoroughly awakened me, and the leg was

-withdrawn. Why, gentlemen, would you believe me? It was the leg of our

-host's daughter! Imagine my position if you can! What an _apparent_

-breach of hospitality! While I was imagining an excuse for my conduct,

-the 'old folks' struck a light, and the blanket between our bed and

-that of the buxom damsel, was discovered to have been pulled down! More

-damning proof, thought I. I feigned sleep, but kept one corner of my

-left eye open for observation. The blanket was soon fixed up, and I

-was greatly relieved to hear the damsel explain to her mother that she

-herself had invaded our bed while dreaming, caused by some un-digestable

-vegetables she had eaten for her supper. Our host was serene and affable

-in the morning, and I had no need to apologize; but, gentlemen, imagine

-what an escape I had, and have mercy on my client."

-

-Uncle Abe made a side splitting speech all through, and Douglas followed

-with a "constitutional" argument.

-

-The Jury returned a verdict of "guilty of scaring the girls," and the

-Judge sentenced the culprit to be whipped in the back yard, by the girls

-he had scared.

-

-Dr. Wallace, the acting Sheriff, (no, a paymaster in the army,) went out

-and bought a cow hide, and the fellow was soon tied up to a post, and

-the girls made per force to give him thirty-nine well laid on.

-

-The whole affair was a rich evening's divertisement, and cost nothing

-more than a few lost vest buttons and strained button holes.

-

-It is needless to say that the fellow became a _non est_ man from that

-day thenceforth.

-

-

-

-

-"Thank God for the Sassengers."

-

-Most of the readers of this have perhaps read a good story of Oliver

-Ditson, the celebrated Boston Music publisher. After he had been in

-business several years, his New Hampshire friends invited him to open

-his Thanksgiving in his native town, he accepted the invitation and

-started with some of his friends. On the way Ditson was the great man of

-the occasion, and was therefore placed at the head of the table, when

-it devolved upon him to ask the blessing. Now Oliver practiced more

-religion than he knew the exact forms for, and he was in a sad dilemma;

-but he essayed boldly the task. He thanked God for all the 'creature

-comforts' there were upon the table--for all there ever had been--for

-all that was expected. But how to quit? He went on, thanking and trying

-to think at the same time how 'blessings' ended, but to no purpose.

-Knives rattled, plates moved, and Oliver saw the hungry people were

-getting impatient, and he came to the end in a real business like style,

-with--"Yours, respectfully, OLIVER DITSON."

-

-Almost as good an anecdote is told by Uncle Abe of one of his old

-friends, a Mr. Sawyer, who merchandized either in Macon or Champaign

-County. Sawyer, was a Yankee, and distinguished for little besides an

-immoderate liking for "sassingers," as he called that "linked sweetness"

-which polite people call sausages. When Uncle Abe was stumping the

-Sangamon District for Congress, it befell that he and Sawyer met at the

-same country hotel, which was kept by a hardshell Baptist, whose

-foible was long prayers and blessings at table. They--Lincoln and

-Sawyer--happened to be going to the same town by the same coaches. So

-they were up betimes and ready, but breakfast was delayed. They at last

-got to the table, and the Deacon was just closing his eyes preliminary

-to the blessing, when the stage horn blew.

-

-"Bless me, Deacon, there's the stage ready," cried the Sawyer; "thank

-God for the sassengers, and let us fall too."

-

-I hardly need say the Deacon's blessing--and perhaps his breakfast were

-spoiled. But Sawyer had his "sassengers."

-

-

-

-

-Was'nt Murder After All.

-

-When the present State House of Illinois, was being built--and it's a

-passable edifice, baring it is too low in the ground, and the _summer

-house_ up on its top is too low to catch the cool breezes--it chanced

-that among the workmen engaged upon it was a New Yorker named Johnson.

-This man had a sovereign contempt for most of the shinplasters then

-circulating in Illinois; nor was he much amiss in this, for if it

-was now in existence, it would be exchangable at par with Jeff Davis'

-shinplasters. But through the instrumentality of Col. Thornton's

-negotiations in New York with McAlister of Stebbins, (a claim, by the

-way, that has never been settled but came near _settling_ the State _a

-la_ Mattoon,) a large amount of the bills of the New York _Metropolitan

-Bank_ were put into circulation about Springfield. For this currency

-Johnson conceived so great a partiality that the passion of avarice soon

-turned it into a mania. He bought all these notes his means permitted,

-and stored them away about his person with miserly care.

-

-One Sunday Johnson was invited to ride out to the Cut off by a man

-(Smith for the nonce) and accepted. They did'nt stop at the Cut-off, but

-went direct to Sangamon River. Here, they were overheard quarrelling.

-

-Smith came home without Johnson, who was soon missed, and as he was

-known to have gone away with Smith, that individual was soon put in that

-log building still standing (it did in '62) back of Carrigan's Hotel,

-and which has since served as a hen house etc. (Why don't Butler take a

-picture of it, to show the "rising generation" what a small house used

-to hold all the _known or taken_ rogues of old Sangamon?)

-

-The examination of Smith, did not take place until the river bank had

-been examined. There were signs of a struggle on the bank, and to the

-water's edge, which gave force to the evidence of the man who heard

-them in dispute, and all felt convinced that Johnson had been murdered.

-Although a careful examination and dredging of the river failed to

-produce the body, Smith was committed for trial.

-

-Uncle Abe was engaged as counsel for Johnson, but had little hopes of

-being of any earthly aid to him.

-

-At last the day of trial came, and the prisoner plead "not guilty."

-

-I think it was Melborn who was the prosecuting Attorney; before the

-prosecution had opened the case Uncle Abe rose and said:

-

-"May it please the Court, I have a motion to make before the prosecution

-opens; and as it may save the Court some unnecessary labor, I hope it

-will be entertained. _I move that the indictment be quashed and the

-prisoner discharged!_"

-

-The astonishment of the crowded Court room was immense, shared alike by

-Judge, bar and spectators. As soon as the Judge recovered his equanimity

-he asked:

-

-"Upon what grounds is so extraordinary a motion made?"

-

-"Why the man Johnson, was not murdered at all, and I have the pleasure

-of introducing _him to the presence of the Court_."

-

-Johnson was led forward. Hundreds recognized him immediately, The

-excitement was so great that the Judge adjourned the Court.

-

-It seems that the parties had quarreled, Johnson had been pushed into

-the river, but had got out and wandered off in a state of partial

-aberation of mind and had been working on a farm. His passion for

-Metropolitan Bank Notes and his name suggested an idea that he was the

-missing man, and he was opportunely produced in time to save a man from

-being hung.

-

-

-

-

-Joe Reed's Mule Hunt.

-

-One of the best natured fellows in the world, when he is not mad, is

-Joe Reed, of Logan County, Illinois, Joe is a staunch Republican--a real

-rip-rarer in the cause, and has given Uncle Abe the lift of a mighty

-broad pair of shoulders more than once, although at first he had a poor

-opinion of the rail-splitter. Thereby hangs a tale.

-

-In 18--, (the date is forgotten on account of the coldness of the

-weather that winter,) Joe lost a couple of mules. After they had

-been gone for a long time, he chanced to hear of them in a settlement

-somewhere within the present bounds of Macon County. Illinois. At the

-first opportunity Joe started on a mule hunt, determined to find either

-the mules or some _trace_ of them. On reaching the neighborhood in

-question, Joe was satisfied that an old fellow named Bosby Sheel, had

-his mules; and when he went in person, and saw them, the assurance of

-his eyes made "assurance double sure." He at once made claim, but the

-old fellow had heard that possession was nine points of the law--he

-declined to surrender them; Joe immediately appealed to old Squire

-P------, who at once summoned the holder of the mules to his Court. The

-Squire informed Joe that he would have to prove property; but Joe said

-he would only have to swear to his property. In this dilemma, the Squire

-adjourned Court till after dinner and remarked to Joe that he had better

-get a lawyer.

-

-"There is young Abe Lincoln, he don't live far from here, and he'll be

-at my house after dinner."

-

-As he was the only lawyer immediately thereabouts, Joe thought he had

-best employ him, in order to "have the law on his side."

-

-Soon after dinner a stranger arrived, and the Justice (who was landlord

-of the only hotel in the settlement,) whispered to Joe, that that was

-the lawyer.

-

-"What!" exclaimed Joe, "that lean, lank gawky? Why, I'll bet both

-of them mules I know more law nor he does, for I'm a 'Squire at home

-myself--I am."

-

-"But his looks is mighty deceivin', I tell you," said Boniface. "He's

-gin out to be one of the piertest young fellows short o' Sangamon."

-

-But Joe was decided, and the 'Squire re-convened his Court, he having

-the meantime laid the case before his young friend, the lawyer, and got

-his opinion.

-

-Acting his own lawyer, Joe felt it due to his course to give a concise

-statement of the law. As he stood up, he still continued to read from a

-green-covered book that had engaged his attention most of the day It was

-one of Cooper's latest novels. As Joe gave his version of the law, it

-seemed to 'Squire P------ that he was _reading_ the law.

-

-"Is that really the law?" said he, as Joe finished his version of the

-law--not the book. "Let me see that book."

-

-Joe mechanically handed it to him.

-

-After pouring over it for some time, he handed it back, with an air of

-disappointment, remarking:

-

-"Drat me! if I see any sich law in that book."

-

-"Well, it ain't no wonder ye don't--that's the _Red Rover_, a novel and

-not a law book, and you've been and lost my place too," Joe found his

-place, and continued: "what I told you is what the law says, and I know

-it's so."

-

-"Well, as you're a 'Squire, too, I reckon you ought to know. As the mules

-don't belong to old man Bosby Sheel and you swear they are you'rn, I

-hold he's bound to give'em up."

-

-Joe rallied the old Squire rather hard about looking over the _Red

-Rover_ for extra law, but finally "give a treat" and left the Squire and

-his friend in the best of humors.

-

-Said Uncle Abe when he had the small-pox, "I now can give something to

-every one who calls."

-

-

-

-

-Has no Influence with the Administration.

-

-Judge Baldwin, an old and highly respectable and sedate gentleman,

-called a few days since on Gen. Halleck, and presuming upon a familiar

-acquaintance in California formerly, solicited a pass outside of our

-lines, to see a brother in Virginia, not thinking that he would be met

-with a refusal, as both his brother and himself were good Union men.

-

-"We have been deceived too often," said General Halleck, "and I regret I

-can't grant it."

-

-Judge B. then went to Stanton, and was very briefly disposed of with the

-same result. Finally he obtained an interview with Uncle Abe, and stated

-his case.

-

-"Have you applied to Gen. Halleck?" inquired the President.

-

-"And met with a flat refusal," said Judge B.

-

-"Then you must see Stanton," continued Uncle Abe.

-

-"I have, and with the same result," was the reply.

-

-"Well, then," said Uncle Abe, with a smile of good humor, "I can do

-nothing; for you must know _that I have very little influence with this

-Administration_."

-

-

-

-

-A Touching Incident.

-

-The following incident, which occurred at the White House, will appeal

-to every heart. It reveals unmistakably the deep kindness of Uncle Abe's

-character:

-

-"At a reception recently at the White House, many persons present

-noticed three little girls poorly dressed, the children of some mechanic

-or laboring man, who had followed the visitors into the house to gratify

-their curiosity. They were passed from room to room, and were passing

-through the reception room with some trepidation, when Uncle Abe, called

-to them: 'Little girls, are you going to pass me without shaking hands?'

-Then he bent his tall, awkward form down, and shook each little girl

-warmly by the hand. Everybody in the apartment was spellbound by the

-incident, so simple in itself, yet revealing so much of Uncle Abe's

-character."

-

-

-

-

-A Lincoln Man Ducked.

-

-During the canvass between Uncle Abe, and Peter Cartright, the

-celebrated Pioneer Preacher, it chanced that Cartright, was returning to

-his home from the Williamsville and Wiggins Lane settlement. The nearest

-crossing of the Sangamon was at Carpenter's Mills, where there was the

-convenience of a ferry instead of a bridge, as is now the case. Upon the

-hill on the western side of the river, Cartright saw a man elevated upon

-a barrel in front of a little grocery--and on nearing him, he discovered

-that he was giving the Democrats in general, and Uncle Peter Cartright

-in particular, a perfect fusilade of small shots of slang and abuse.

-

-"I tell you, boys, I'm a Whig,--a real Harrison Tippacanoe and Tyler

-too, Whig," said he. "I'm for putting down all these cuss'd locofocos,

-and if we can't vote'em down, why I go for lickin'em' down. There's

-long Abe Lincoln that's runnin' for the Legislature--he's the chap to

-vote for. He's one of the people--split rails and got his edycation by

-moonlight. He don't go round the country prayin' and preachin' like that

-mean Methodist cuss, Peter Cartright, that's runnin' agin him. I'd like

-to know what we wants of a parson to make laws for us? Just elect him,

-and fust you know he'll have a bill into the Legislature, to fine us for

-not goin' to meetin' or for drinkin' a glass of whisky. I'll tell

-you what, if he ever comes round here, I'll just pass him inter the

-Sangamon--certain--sure."

-

-Just here Uncle Peter Cartright enquired for "the ferryman.

-

-"I'm the ferry-man, old hoss," sung out the rustic orator, "and ken

-put ye cross the river in no time." Uncle Peter signified his desire

-to cross, and the twain started towards the ferry boat. The Preacher

-stepping into the boat, hitched his horse to the side, while the

-ferryman shoved out into the stream.

-

-"So you are a Lincoln man?" queried Uncle Peter. "I'm that hoss."

-

-"And so I presume you would douse a Cartright man if you had a chance?"

-

-"I mought do it stranger."

-

-"Certainly you would douse Mr. Cartright?"

-

-"Sure's winkin', old fellow."

-

-"Well Sir, I am Peter Cartright at your service," and before the

-ferryman recovered from his surprise Uncle Peter pitched him into the

-river, took the pole and put himself across the river.

-

-The ferryman did'nt vote for Uncle Peter but he altered his opinion of

-Methodist preachers in general and Uncle Peter in particular.

-

-

-

-

-A Comparison.

-

-One day as Uncle Abe, and a friend were sitting on the House of

-Representatives steps, the session closed, and the members filed out in

-a body. Uncle Abe looked after them with a serious smile. "That reminds

-me," said he, "of a little incident when I was a boy; my flat boat lay

-up at Alton on the Mississippi, for a day, and I strolled about the

-town. I saw a large stone building, with massive stone walls, not

-so handsome though, as this, and while I was looking at it, the iron

-gateway opened, and a great body of men came out. 'What do you call

-that?' I asked a bystander. 'That,' said he, 'is the State Prison, and

-those are all thieves going home. Their time is up.'"

-

-

-

-

-"There's Enough for All."

-

-Uncle Abe was terribly bored by the office seekers, even before the

-Presidential house-warming had scarcely began. The Illinois politicians

-were the most ravenous pap-Suckers of all.

-

-"Just wait a little," said Uncle Abe, "I can assure you, as L------d

-S------t did the swine, 'there's enough for all.'"

-

-"Let us have the story, Uncle Abe," said one of the crowd, who evidently

-expected something rich.

-

-"Why, you see," began Uncle Abe, "I attended court many years ago at

-Mt. Pulaski, the first county seat of Logan County, and there was the

-jolliest set of rollicking young Lawyers there that you ever saw

-together. There was Bill F------n, Bill H------n, L------d S------t, and

-a lot more, and they mixed law and Latin, water and whisky, with equal

-success. It so fell out that the whisky seemed to be possessed of the

-very spirit of Jonah. At any rate, S------t went out to the hog-pen,

-and, leaning over, began to 'throw up Jonah.' The hogs evidently thought

-it feed time, for they rushed forward and began to squabble over the

-voided matter.

-

-"'Don't fight (hic),' said S------t: 'there's enough (hic) for all.'"

-

---The politicians couldn't see anything to laugh at, although the

-"snubbin" was plain enough.

-

-

-

-

-Making a President.

-

-Uncle Abe, in elucidating his estimate of Presidential honors, tells a

-clever story, as he always does, when he sets about it. It seems that

-Windy Billy, who is a politician of no ordinary pretensions, was a

-candidate for the Consulship of Bayonne, and he urged his appointment

-with the eloquence of a Clay or a Seward. He boasted vociferously of his

-activity in promoting the success of the Republican ticket, and averred

-with his impassioned earnestness that he and he alone had made Uncle Abe

-President.

-

-"Ah!" exclaimed Uncle Abe, "and it was you who made me President, was

-it?" a twinkle in his eye all the time.

-

-"Yes," said Billy, rubbing his hands and throwing out his chest, as a

-baggage-master would a small valise, "yes, I think I may say I am the

-man who made you President."

-

-"Well, Billy, my boy, if that's the case, it's a h--ll of a muss you got

-me into, that's all."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Boss of the Cabinet.

-

-A prominent Senator was remonstrating with Uncle Abe a few days ago

-about keeping Mr. Chase in his Cabinet, when it was as well known that

-Mr. C. is opposed, tooth and nail, to Uncle Abe's re-election.

-

-"Now, see here," said Uncle Abe, "when I was elected I resolved to hire

-my four Presidential rivals, pay them their wages and be their 'boss.'

-These were Seward, Chase, Cameron and Bates; but I got rid of Cameron

-after he had played himself out. As to discharging Chase or Seward,

-don't talk of it. I pay them their wages and am their boss, and would'nt

-let either of them out on the loose for the fee simple of the Almaden

-patent."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Peter Cartright's Wonder.

-

-Some of the farmers in and about Saggamon county, Illinois, have been and

-still are so intent on cattle-raising, that the business is a sort

-of cattle-mania. Uncle Peter was one Sunday preaching near a good old

-deacon of this sort, whose piety was somewhat like that of a card-playing

-lady mentioned by Addison, (Spectator No. 7,) who had a set hour for her

-devotions, and if she happened to be at a game, would get a friend to

-"hold her hand" while she said her prayers. Our worthy deacon was rather

-vain of his "gift" praying and saying "blessings" at table. As a matter

-of courtesy, he might occasionally ask a visiting preacher to pray

-or ask a blessing; but he never failed to exhibit his "gift" to his

-visitors. He had a singsong way of "getting it off," at the same time

-beating time with his hands on either side of his plate. On the occasion

-alluded to, he began--"Oh Lord! (thump) bless the creature comforts

-(thump) provided for our (thump) sustenance (thump.) Bless it (thump) to

-our needs (thump) and necessities, (thump). Lead us aright, (thump) but

-if we stray (thump) put us back (thump) into the right path, (thump).

-Bless the stranger (thump) that comes beneath our roof, (thump) and keep

-his feet (thump) in pleasant paths, (thump). What we ask (thump)

-amiss, (thump) withhold; (thump) but grant us what our (thump)

-short-sightedness omits, (thump) and thine be the glory (thump) now and

-for ever, (thump) a------."

-

-And here the old deacon stopped suddenly, opened his eyes, and looking

-across the table, asked:

-

-"Son John, did Mr. Jones settle yet for that Durham cow?"

-

-"Yes, father--it's all right."

-

-"Amen," concluded the deacon.

-

-"Cattle! cattle!" exclaimed Uncle Peter in ill-concealed disgust.

-

-"Why, you can't say your prayers without having cattle running through

-your head; I wonder the Lord don't turn such Christians into cattle!"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe a Shaksperian.

-

-When Uncle Abe was making a plea in one of the county Circuit Courts,

-not far from Springfield, one of the lawyers becoming sensible that he

-was being out-generaled, remarked to Uncle Abe, as he sat down--

-

-"I smell a mice."

-

-"Why don't you quote Shakspeare correctly?" said Uncle Abe.

-

-"Why," said the other, "I was not aware that I Was quoting Shakspeare at

-all."

-

-"Certainly you were, and had you done it properly, it would have been

-more expressive and less vulgar. The correct expression is, 'I smell a

-device.'"

-

-

-

-

-The Running Sickness.

-

-In the Black Hawk war, Uncle Abe belonged to a militia company in the

-service. On a scout, the company encountered the Indians, and in a

-brisk skirmish drove them some miles, when, night coming on, our forces

-encamped. Great was the consternation on discovering that Lincoln was

-missing. His absence or rather his stories, from the bivouac, was a

-misfortune. Suddenly, however, he came into camp. "Maj. Abe, is that

-you? Thought you were killed. Where've you been?" were the startling

-speculations. "Yes," said Uncle Abe, "this is me--ain't killed either."

-

-"But where have you been all the time?"

-

-"Oh, just over there."

-

-"But what were you over there for? Didn't run away, did you?"

-

-"No," said he deliberately, "I don't think I run away; but, after all, I

-reckon if anybody had seen me going, and had been told I was going for a

-doctor, he would have thought somebody was almighty sick."

-

-

-

-

-How to Get Rid of Rats.

-

-So thick had the rats become in Logan County, a few years ago, that the

-means of getting rid of the nuisance was freely discussed. The newly

-organized Agricultural Society, finally concluded to offer three

-premiums for the then largest numbers. The man who took the largest

-prize, exhibited over 1,700 scalps all caught in the space of three

-weeks. At the time these prizes were pending, Uncle Abe attended Court

-there, and Col. L------n, (a considerable gourmand,) by the way, was

-discussing the best way to get rid of the rats, and finally asked Uncle

-Abe's opinion.

-

-"Why," said Uncle Abe, "rats are a 'cunning cattle,' and soon find out

-how things are going. I introduce them to your table as a delicacy, and

-when they find out you are making 'game' of them they will soon give you

-a wide berth."

-

-The Colonel winced under a faint impression; but silently ratified Uncle

-Abe's conclusions. "Yes," chimed in M------, "we might go so far as to

-use their pelts to ornament our winter clothing."

-

-

-

-

-A Palpable Application

-

-On a late occasion, when the White House was open to the public, a

-farmer from one of the border counties of Virginia told Uncle Abe that

-the Union soldiers, in passing his farm, had helped themselves not only

-to hay, but his horses, and he hoped the President would urge the proper

-officer to consider his claim immediately. "Why, my dear sir," replied

-Uncle Abe, blandly, "I couldn't think of such a thing. If I considered

-individual cases, I should find work for twenty Presidents!" Bowie urged

-his needs persistently; Uncle Abe declined good-naturedly. "But," said

-the persevering sufferer, "couldn't you just give me a line to Colonel

-------- about it? just one line?" "Ha, ha, ha!" responded amiable Uncle

-Abe, shaking himself fervently, and crossing his legs the other way,

-"that reminds me of old Jack Chase out in Illinois." At this the crowd

-huddled forward to listen. "You have seen Jack--I knew him like a

-brother--used to be a lumberman on the Illinois, and he was steady

-and sober, and the best raftsman on the river. It was quite a trick

-twenty-five years ago to take the logs over the rapids, but he was

-skillful, with a raft, and always kept her straight in the channel.

-Finally a steamboat was put on, and Jack--he's dead now, poor

-fellow!--was made captain of her. He used to take the wheel going

-through the rapids. One day, when the boat was plunging and wallowing

-along the boiling current, and Jack's utmost vigilance was exercised to

-keep her in the narrow channel, a boy pulled his coat tail, and hailed

-him with, 'Sir, Mister Captain! I wish you'd just stop your boat a

-minute--I've lost my apple overboard!'"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe on the Whisky Question.

-

-A committee, just previous to the fall of Vicksburg, solicitous for the

-_morale_ of our armies, took it upon themselves to visit the President

-and urge the removal of General Grant. .

-

-"What for?" asked Uncle Abe.

-

-"Why," replied the busy-bodies, "he drinks too much whisky."

-

-"Ah!" rejoined Uncle Abe, "can you inform me gentlemen, where General

-Grant procures his whisky?"

-

-The committee confessed they could not.

-

-"Because," added Uncle Abe, with a merry twinkle in his eye, "If I can

-find out, I'll send a barrel of it to every General in the field!"

-

-The delegation retired in reasonable good order.

-

-

-

-

-Edwards vs. Lincoln.

-

-One day soon after Uncle Abe began the canvass with Judge Douglas

-for the United States Senate, Lincoln, an Editor, accosted Nivian W.

-Edwards, (Uncle Abe's brother-in-law,) as Mr. Lincoln himself.

-

-"Well," said Edwards, "I think I must be growing taller and uglier every

-day, for this is the sixth time I've been taken for Abe within a week."

-

-Notwithstanding Edwards was a Democrat and a joker, Uncle Abe made him a

-commissary in the army.

-

-

-

-

-Metalic Ring.

-

-The new practical postal currency have upon the face, a faint oval

-ring of bronze, encircling the vignette. Uncle Abe being asked its use,

-replied that it was a faint attempt on the part of Mr. Chase, to give

-the new currency a metalic ring.

-

-

-

-

-A Grateful Postmaster.

-

-Said a long legged hoosier, on receiving the appointment of Postmaster,

-in Sangamon County, "I tell you Uncle Abe, you're a hoss," "yes replied

-Uncle Abe, a _draft_ horse."

-

-

-

-

-A Serious Joke.

-

-Washington, February 18, 1864

-

-To Wm. Fishback

-

-When I fixed a _plan_ for an election in Arkansas I did it in ignorance

-that your convention was at the same work. Since I learned the latter

-fact I have been constantly trying to yield my _plan_ to theirs. I have

-sent two letters to General Steel, and three or four dispatches to you

-and others, saying that (General Steel,) must be master, but that it

-will probably be best for him to keep the convention on its own _plan_.

-Some single mind must be master, else there will be no agreement on

-any thing; and General Steel, commanding the military, and being on

-the ground, is the best man to be that master. Even now citizens are

-telegraphing me to postpone the election to a later day than either

-fixed by the Convention or me This discord must be silenced.

-

-A. LINCOLN.

-

-A young Massachusetts soldier, named Merrill, writes a Washington

-correspondent, had on ounce ball pass through his head during the battle

-of Fredericksburg. It entered near his right eye and was extracted

-behind his left ear. Another ball would have entered a vital part of his

-body had it not been arrested by a Testament, in which it lodged.

-When this safeguard was shown to Uncle Abe, he sent to the hospital a

-handsome pocket Bible, in which was written: "Charles V. Merrill, Co. A.

-19th Massachusetts, from A. Lincoln."

-

-"Major-General Grant,--Understanding that your lodgment at Chattanooga

-and Knoxville is now secure I wish to tender you, and all under your

-command, my more than thanks--my profoundest gratitude--for the skill,

-courage, and perseverence with which you and they, over so great

-difficulties, have effected that important object. God bless you all!

-

-"A. LINCOLN."

-

-

-

-

-Fix the Date.

-

-Uncle Abe, was conversing with some friends and remarked, "There's

-a good Time coming," a countryman stepped up to Uncle Abe, and said:

-"Mister, you could'nt fix to date, could yous?"

-

-

-

-

-Rival of Uncle Abe.

-

-Old Abe has got off many good things since he left Springfield, but the

-following equals anything which has proceeded from that veteran joker.

-

-"In the Georgia Legislature, Mr. Linton Stephens, brother of the rebel

-Vice President, introduced a resolution in the House of Representatives

-declaring that peace be officially offered to the enemy after every

-Confederate victory."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Estimate of the Senate.

-

-Uncle Abe, says that in the Senate, he "owns nine of the Senators and

-one-half of another."

-

-"Who owns the other half?" asked a gentleman to whom Uncle Abe was

-speaking. "Henry Wilson of Massachusetts," replied the Chief Magistrate,

-"Wilson is for me," says the President, "before breakfast; rather

-against me while his digestion is going on after it; loves me like pie

-during the hours which he spends visiting the various departments and

-asking for places and patronage; and bitterly my enemy from seven every

-evening until he goes to bed, drops asleep and commences snoring. Wilson

-is carrying water on both shoulders but I guess he'll get a wetting and

-soil his clothes before he gets through."

-

-

-

-

-"Thought he Must be Good for Something."

-

-An Illinois man who had known the "boy Mayor," John Hay, from boyhood,

-was expressing to Uncle Abe, after the massacre at Olustee, some regret

-that he should have supposed him capable of any military position.

-

-"About Hay," said Uncle Abe, "the fact was, I was pretty much like

-Jim Hawks, out in Illinois, who sold a dog to a hunting neighbor, as

-a first-rate coon dog. A few days after, the fellow brought him back,

-saying he 'wasn't worth a cuss for coons.' 'Well,' said Jim, I tried him

-for everything else, and he wasn't worth a d----n, and so I thought he

-_must_ be good for coons.'"

-

-

-

-

-Aptly Said.

-

-To a man who was condoling Uncle Abe on the disaster at Olustee, and

-suggesting how it might have been prevented, he said:

-

-"Your remarks are well intended, doubtless; but they do little less than

-aggravate a thing which I can't help thinking might have been helped.

-It reminds me of a story that I read when I was a boy. An old fellow who

-had clambered rather high into an apple tree, fell and broke his arm.

-A sympathizing and philosophic neighbor, seeing his mishap, went to his

-aid. 'Ah,' said he, 'if you had followed my plan you would have escaped

-this.' 'Indeed, what is your plan?' enquired the groaning man. 'Why,

-never to let go both hands, till you get one hold somewhere else.'"

-

-The would-be Brigadier saw the point, and left.

-

-"I see you've got to the sticking point at last," as the Democrat

-remarked to a slippery Republican, whose team had gone into the ground

-up to the hub.

-

-"They have gone up every Creek and Bayou where it was a little damp."

-

-"Linkums" Sold Cheap.

-

-Daring the Presidential contest of 1860, there was an Italian artist

-of plaster figures in Springfield, who supplied "leetel Linkums," as

-he called his figures, faster than ever Uncle Abe did. He succeeded in

-putting one of these Republican penates into every Republican house in

-town, but they finally became a "drug" in the market. However, he kept

-his "asking price" up; but his selling price was as various as his

-buyers, and hard to deal with.

-

-One day, with a load of these upon his head, he entered a jeweller's

-shop, and accosted the man behind the counter with-- *

-

-"You buys'em leetel Linkums?"

-

-"No--don't want'em."

-

-"Sells'em cheap," persisted the Italian.

-

-"Well, how do you sell to-day?"

-

-"Fifty cent piece."

-

-"I'll give you a dollar for the lot," said A------, expecting to pose

-the Italian.

-

-"You takes'em," greedily exclaimed the artist, and he left Mr. L. A.

-A------n with a lot of plaster on hand which he had hard work to give

-away.

-

-"There's an odor of nationality about those bills, said Secretary Chase,

-showing a lot of the firstlings of his greenbacks to Uncle Abe.

-

-"A very good figure of speech," replied Uncle Abe, "but you must not get

-too many under the public nostril, or your figure of speech will be an

-odor of fact."

-

-April 1, 1862, greenbacks, 100. April 1, 1864, greenbacks, 55.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe as a Pilot.

-

-The captain of one of the Mississippi river steamers one morning, while

-his boat was lying at her moorings at New Orleans, waiting for the tardy

-pilot, who, it appears, was a rather uncertain sort of fellow, saw a

-tall, gaunt Sucker make his appearance before the captain's office, and

-sing out--

-

-"Hello, cap'n! you don't want a pilot nor nothin' about this 'ere craft,

-do ye?"

-

-"How do you know I don't?" responded the captain.

-

-"Oh, you don't understand; I axed you s'posin' you did?"

-

-"Then, supposing I do, what of it?"

-

-"Well," said Uncle Abe, for it was he, "I reckon I know suthin' about

-that ere sort o' business, provided you wanted a feller of jest about my

-size."

-

-The captain gave him a scrutinising glance, and with an expression of

-countenance which seemed to say, "I should pity the steamer that you

-piloted," asked--

-

-"Are you acquainted with the river, and do you know where the snags

-are?"

-

-"Well, ye-as," responded Uncle Abe rather hesitatingly, "I'm pretty well

-acquainted with the river, but the snags, I don't know exactly so much

-about them."

-

-"Don't know about the snags?" exclaimed the captain, contemptuously,

-"don't know about the snags! You'd make a pretty pilot!"

-

-At this Uncle Abe's countenance assumed anything but an angelic

-expression, and with a darkened brow and a fiercely flashing eye, he

-drew himself up to his full height, and indignantly roared back in a

-voice of thunder:

-

-"What do I want to know where the snags are for, old sea-hoss? I know

-where they ain't, and there's where I do my sailing!"

-

-It is sufficient to know that Uncle Abe was promptly engaged, and that

-the captain takes pleasure in saying that he proved himself one of the

-best pilots on the river.

-

-(Wonder if Uncle Abe has forgotten how to sail in clear water? A. A.)

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Valentine.

-

-Uncle Abe on the 14th of last February, received a valentine in the

-shape of a picture of the American eagle, with a financial allusion. The

-bird of freedom appeared to be engaged in picking up gold coin, while

-at the end of the bird most remote from his head there was a pile of

-"green-backs," into which this coin seemed to have been mysteriously

-transmuted.

-

-Uncle Abe, who takes such things philosophically, and always

-acknowledges a palpable hit with grace and good natured cheerfulness,

-went to his Secretary of the Treasury, to exhibit his bird, in order

-that the latter might enjoy the joke with him. Mr. Chase, however, was

-not disposed to take the matter in the same spirit Uncle Abe did; but

-appeared to be much out of humor at this hieroglyphical attack upon his

-department of the government. In tones in which there was evidently a

-slight admixture of irritability, he remarked to Uncle Abe that he would

-like to know who had made this unwarrantable attack upon his financial

-management of the affairs of the nation--that he feared that some of his

-subordinates had got up this libel upon him, and that he would give

-a hundred dollars to know who had done it. Uncle Abe? whose

-question-asking proclivities are well known, said that the offer seemed

-liberal; "but, Mr. Chase," said he, "before I shall make up my mind on

-this subject, will you allow me to ask you one question?" "Certainly,"

-replied the Secretary. "I merely wanted to understand," said Uncle Abe,

-"at which end of the bird you propose to pay?"

-

-"'Et tu Brute?'" responded the head of the Treasury department. "If I am

-thus to be made the subject of ridicule, I must renew my application to

-be relieved from my duties as Secretary."

-

-"O, never mind! never mind! Mr. Secretary," said Uncle Abe, "we can

-soon remedy all these difficulties. All we have to do, after we have

-suppressed this rebellion, is to turn the bird end for end, and let

-the gold and 'greenbacks' remain just as they are and all will come

-out right." The Secretary, restored to good humor, agreed not to resign

-unless Seward did.

-

-"That reminds me of a little story."

-

-

-

-

-"My Mary Ann."

-

-Many months ago the post commander at Cairo was a certain West Point

-colonel of a Northwestern regiment, noted for his soldierly qualities

-and rigid discipline. One day he passed by the barracks and heard a

-group of soldiers singing the well-known street piece, "My Mary Ann."

-An angry shade crossed his brow, and he forthwith ordered the men to

-be placed in the guard-house, where they remained all night The next

-morning he visited them, when one ventured to ask the cause of their

-confinement.

-

-"Cause enough," said the rigid colonel; "you were singing a song in

-derision of Mrs. Colonel B------."

-

-The men replied by roars of laughter, and it was some time before the

-choler of the Colonel could be sufficiently subdued to understand that

-the song was an old one, and sung by half the school-boys in the land,

-or the risibles of the men be calmed down to learn that the colonel's

-wife rejoiced in the name of "Mary Ann."

-

-Uncle Abe made the Colonel a Brigadier the moment he heard this story.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Honor.

-

-At one time Uncle Abe aspired to a position on the bench, and Mrs.

-Lincoln, so as to be prepared for the event, practiced the habit of

-calling her husband "his Honor," or "your Honor," as the case might be.

-Uncle Abe never, however, succeeded to the dignity of the ermine; but

-attending Circuit at Chicago, and stopping at the -------- Hotel, Mrs.

-L. accompanied her husband, as was her custom. Uncle Abe had donned a

-bran new pair of boots, which were anything but comfortable, and almost

-as uncertain as a pair of skates to a learner on the keenest of ice.

-Mrs. Lincoln was enjoying herself in the parlor in a chit-chat with a

-number of other ladies, and putting on as many airs as her provincial

-position in Springfield would admit, when a strange, rumbling sound

-disturbed the pleasant company, who rushed out to learn what was the

-matter. Lo and behold! there was Uncle Abe in the undignified

-predicament of tumbling down stairs and bumping the end of his spine

-upon every step. The new boots, or the swig of forty-rod which he had

-taken in his bed-room, had proved traitor to him. Mrs. Lincoln was

-nearly non-plussed, but exclaimed in a consoling voice, "Is your Honor

-hurt?"

-

-"No," said Uncle Abe, sitting gracefully on the carpet, with legs spread

-out amidst the bevy of tittering damsels, and rubbing the seat of his

-trowsers, "No, my honor is not hurt but my--my--my head is!"

-

-

-

-

-"Smoke That."

-

-During the session of the Legislature of Illinois, in 1836-7, the

-Sangamon County delegation of nine members, became known as the "Long

-Nine," from the fact of their remarkable average height. In this

-delegation were Uncle Abe, Gen. Baker, (killed at Bull's Bluff,) N. W.

-Edwards, (brother-in-law of Uncle Abe, and now Captain commissary,) and

-some others of note in their day. A law had passed the previous session

-to remove the capital from Vandalia to Springfield, to be carried out

-as soon as a new capitol could be built. In the meantime, Gen. W. L. D.

-Ewing, an influential Egyptian member, made periodical efforts to repeal

-the law and keep the capital at Vandalia. During the session of 1837,

-we had a regular tilt with the "long nine," during which, whenever Uncle

-Abe or Gen. Baker made a point, Ewing would be saluted with the cry

-"smoke that!" in allusion to "long nines," a popular kind of cigars used

-at that day. This probably gave rise to saying, "put that in your pipe

-and smoke it."

-

-

-

-

-A Sufficient Reason.

-

-Some one recently asked Uncle Abe why he didn't promote merit? "Because

-merit never helped promote me," said our Uncle Abe.

-

-

-

-

-The Boy and the Bear.

-

-A committee of the enemies of Mr. Chase called on the President just

-after the Pomroy circular was sent forth and advised him to purify his

-cabinet and let Chase go. Old Abe replied that "it is not so easy a

-thing to let Chase go. I am situated very much as the boy was who held

-the bear by the hind legs. I will tell you how it was. There was a very

-vicious bear which, after being some time chased by a couple of boys,

-turned upon his pursuers. The boldest of the two ran up and caught the

-bear by the hind legs, while the other climbed up into a little tree,

-and complacently witnessed the conflict going on beneath, between the

-bear and his companion. The tussel was a sharp one, and the boy, after

-becoming quite exhausted, cried out in alarm, 'Bill, for God's sake

-come down and help me let this darned bear go!' Now, gentlemen," said

-Mr. Lincoln, "you see what a fix I am in--it may be dangerous to hold on

-to Chase, but it will require more assistance than I see at present, to

-help me let him go."

-

-

-

-

-Too Deep.

-

-During the Black Hawk war, when the valiant Illinoisians were in

-hasty retreat from what they thought certain scalping, and the roads

-exclusively bad, in fact, unfathomable mud.--In this predicament,

-the corps in which Uncle Abe was, became somewhat scattered, when the

-officer commanding, called out to the men to form _two deep_. "Blast

-me!" shouted Abe from a slough, in which he was nearly buried, "I am too

-deep already; I am up to the neck."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's First Speech.

-

-When Uncle Abe first made his appearance in the Illinois House of

-Representatives, and was desirous of delivering his sentiments on a

-certain measure, he rose and began:--"Mr. Speaker, _I conceive_----" but

-could go no further. Thrice he repeated unsuccessfully the same attempt;

-when Douglas, who had more confidence, and had been a year longer in the

-House, completely dumbfounded Abe by saying: "Mr. Speaker, The honorable

-gentleman has _conceived three times, and brought forth nothing._"

-

-

-

-

-Cute.

-

-One night Uncle Abe came wet and cold to a cross road tavern in Indiana,

-and found the fire more thoroughly blockaded with Hoosiers than mother

-Welles has been able to blockade the Southern Confederacy. Abe ordered

-the landlord to carry his horse a peck of catfish. "He can't eat

-catfish," said Boniface. "Try him," said Abe, "there's nothing like

-trying." The crowd all rushed after the landlord to see Abe's horse

-eat the peck of catfish. "He won't eat them, as I told you," said the

-landlord, on returning. "Then," coolly responded Uncle Abe, who had

-squatted on the best seat, "bring them to me and I'll eat them myself."

-

-

-

-

-Abe's Spelling.

-

-Being asked by a client in Springfield why he spelled so badly in his

-law papers, Uncle Abe replied, "Because, the Suckers are so cussed mean

-they won't pay for good spelling."

-

-

-

-

-A Soldier's Theory of the War.

-

-The soldiers at Helena, in Arkansas, used to amuse the inhabitants of

-that place, on their first arrival, by telling them yarns, of which the

-following is a sample:

-

-"Some time ago Jeff. Davis got tired of the war and invited President

-Lincoln to meet him on neutral ground to discuss terms of peace. They

-met accordingly, and after a talk, concluded to settle the war by

-dividing the territory and stopping the fighting. The North took the

-Northern States, and the South the Gulf and seaboard Southern States.

-Lincoln took Texas and Missouri, and Davis Kentucky and Tennessee; so

-that all were parcelled off excepting Arkansas. Lincoln did'nt want

-it--Jeff, would'nt have it. Neither would consent to take it, and on

-that they split; and the war has been going on ever since."

-

-

-

-

-Nigger Mathematics.

-

-Uncle Abe was lately visited by one of the "On to Richmond" sword of

-Gideon gentry, who confidently expressed the hope, so common among the

-Abolition noodles, that Lee's army would be "bagged." Uncle Abe grinned

-to the utmost of his classic mouth, and remarked that he was afraid

-there would be too much "nigger mathematics" in it. The visitor smiled

-at the allusion, as he felt bound in politeness to do supposing there

-must be something in it, though he could not see the point. "But I

-suppose you don't know what 'nigger mathematics' is," continued Uncle

-Abe. "Lay down your hat a minute, and I'll tell you." He, himself,

-resumed the sitting posture leaned back in his chair, elevated his heels

-on the table, and went on with his story. "There was a darkey in my

-neighborhood, called Pompey, who, from a certain quickness in figuring

-up the prices of chickens and vegetables, got the reputation of being a

-mathematical genius. Johnson, a darkey preacher, heard of Pompey, and

-called to see him. 'Here ye're a great mat'm'tishum, Pompey.' 'Yes sar,

-you jas try.' 'Well Pompey, Ize compound a problem in mat'matics.' 'All

-right, sar.' 'Now, Pompey, spose dere am tree pigeons sittin' on a rail

-fence, and you fire a gun at'em and shoot one, how many's left?' 'Two,

-ob cooors,' replies Pompey after a little wool scratching. 'Ya-ya-ya,'

-laughs Mr. Johnson; 'I knowed you was a fool, Pompey; dere's _none_

-left--one's dead, and d'udder two's flown away.' "That's what makes me

-say," continued Uncle Abe, "that I am afraid there was too much nigger

-mathematics in the Pennsylvania campaign." And the result showed that in

-this instance, at least, the anecdote suited the fact. Lee's army was

-then three pigeons. One of them was taken down at Gettysburg, but the

-other two flew off over the Potomac.

-

-

-

-

-Long and Short of it.

-

-"Here I am, and here is Mrs. Lincoln, and that's the long and short

-of it."--_Speech of Mr. Lincoln from the balcony of the White House at

-Washington_.

-

-

-

-

-A Handy Faculty.

-

-Whilst Uncle Abe was passing, in his flat-boat, a small town on the

-Wabash, an old chum accosted him from shore thus:--

-

-"Uncle Abe, are you asleep?"

-

-"Why?"

-

-"Because, I want to borrow some whiskey."

-

-"Then" said Abe, "_I am asleep._"

-

-And he rolled over drowsily on the flat-boat, and it passed on.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe on Time.

-

-A Methodist dominie was lecturing Abe on his love of gambling. "Ah

-Abraham, it is a grievous sin--in the first place, consider the loss of

-time."

-

-"Yes," replied Uncle Abe, "I have often begrudged the loss of time--in

-_shuffling and dealing_."

-

-

-

-

-A Story that had no Reminder.

-

-During a conversation which took place between Uncle Abe and a

-distinguished western senator, the recent legislative nominations for

-the next presidency were incidentally referred to. "Yes," said Uncle

-Abe, nursing his leg with evident gratification--"yes senator, the

-current seems to be setting all one way!"

-

-"It does, really, seem to be setting all one way," was the answer of

-the senator; "but, Mr. Lincoln, as you have told me several good stories

-since I have been here, permit me if you please, to tell _you_ one.

-It has always been observed that the Atlantic Ocean, at the Straits

-of Gibraltar, constantly pours into the Mediterranean with tremendous

-volume. The Bosphorus empties into it, at its other end, and rivers are

-seen contributing to its waters all along its coast. It was for many

-years the constant puzzle of geographers, why the Mediterranean, under

-all these accessions, never got full, and overran its banks. After a

-while, however, a curious fellow took the notion of dropping a plummet

-in the center of the Straits, when, lo! he discovered that, though the

-tremendous body of water on the surface was rushing inward from the

-ocean, a still more powerful body was passing outward, in a counter

-current, some twenty feet below!"

-

-"Oh, ah!" said Uncle Abe, seriously, evidently nonplussed, for the first

-time in his life; "that _does not_ remind me of any story I ever heard

-before!"

-

-

-

-

-Has it "Gin Out?"

-

-We do not know what joke Uncle Abe made when he heard the news of the

-surrender of Plymouth. In regard to the Fort Pillow affair he made

-a Bunsby speech, but no joke. His last joke, of which we have any

-knowledge, occurred when Secretary Chase was starting on his trip to

-New York. Uncle Abe is like Cromwell without his military genius, and is

-very fond of playing practical jokes on his associates. It is said that

-after Cromwell had signed the warrant for the execution of King Charles

-he turned round to one of his colleagues and smeared his face with the

-ink. This he thought capital fun. Uncle Abe's jokes are of about the

-same quality. When Chase called upon him to say good bye, the Secretary

-of the Treasury asked for some information about the probable end of

-the war, saying it would help him greatly in getting more money in Wall

-street. "Do you want more money?" asked Lincoln, and then quickly added,

-"What! has the printing machine gin out?" This joke is fully equal to

-Cromwell's.

-

-

-

-

-A Major

-

-At one of Uncle Abe's levees recently, among the Company was a

-Pennsylvania Avenue tailor whom Abe recognized but could not name. "My

-dear Sir} I remember your face, but I forget your name," said Uncle Abe.

-The knight of the needle whispered confidentially into Uncle Abe's ear.

-"I made your breeches." Uncle Abe took him most affectionately by the

-hand and exclaimed enthusiastically "Major Breeches, I am happy to meet

-you at the White House!"

-

-

-

-

-A Dry Drop.

-

-A refugee from Richmond was telling Uncle Abe of the sad state of

-affairs reigning there. Among other things he said liquor was so scarce

-that the rebel President himself could scarcely get a drop to drink.

-

-"He ought not to have a drop _to drink_ in this world or the next," said

-Uncle Abe.

-

-"You are rather severe," replied the refugee.

-

-"Well," said Uncle Abe, "if you think a drop would do him good, let it

-be a drop from the scaffold."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe as a Physiognomist.

-

-While the western governors were in conversation the other day, one of

-them asked him if he remembered a certain Major of the ------ Illinois

-regiment.

-

-Uncle Abe replied that "he could'nt say that he did." The gentleman

-who addressed him then tried to jog the executive memory a little by

-mentioning a circumstance or two connected with the Major's history.

-Finally Uncle Abe remembered him very well--which fact he stated in

-the following graphic language: "O yes, I know who you mean. _It's that

-turkey egg faced fellow that you'd think did'nt know as much as a last

-year's bird's nest_." This was the very individual referred to. It will

-be seen that Uncle Abe has other fortes than statesmanship--and that of

-a physiognoist is one of them.

-

-

-

-

-The Concrete vs. the Abstract.

-

-Dick Yates, the jolly Governor of the Suckers, tells that he called

-on Uncle Abe one morning when he was trying to get the 88,000

-"Hundredazers" accepted, and that during their interview Uncle Abe

-remarked: "Yates, I'll tell you the difference between the concrete and

-the abstract. When the Senate passed a resolution requesting me not to

-appoint any more Brigadiers, as the vacancies were all full, that's the

-concrete. But when a Senator comes up here with a long petition and a

-longer face, requesting me to make a brigadier out of some scallawag of

-a friend of his, as it happens every day--I call that the abstract."

-

-

-

-

-Symptoms of Civilization.

-

-Uncle Abe and his chums were wrecked and swamped once on a trip to

-New Orleans, and having waded ashore, were in search of shelter and

-refreshment, without much prospect of success, in a thickly timbered

-bottom. They had traveled through the forest a long distance, and were

-in despair of finding any human habitation, when they discovered a negro

-hanging on the projecting limb of a tree. "The joy," said Abe, when

-telling the adventure, "which this cheering view excited, cannot be

-described, for it convinced us that we were in a _civilized country._"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe goes into Partnership.

-

-In the days when Uncle Abe plied the flat-boat business on the Wabash

-and Sangamon, he made it a practice to troll for catfish and dispose

-of them to the planters in Mississippi, when passing their plantations.

-This brought him quite a revenue, which was always expended for "forty

-rod" whisky, or the fish were traded off direct for that fluid chain

-lightning. Once while passing the plantation of Mr. Percy, he was bound

-to have some forty rod, and went ashore with a fine lot of fish. A large

-party were assembled at the mansion of the aristocratic Percy; when

-Julius Cæsar informed him that Uncle Abe was below with some very fine

-fish. "Well," said Percy, "give him his forty rod as usual, and let him

-go."

-

-"But sah, he won't take it dis time," said the darkey, "he wants a

-hundred lashes on the bare back, well laid on massa." Uncle Abe insisted

-to the surprise of every one on this strange price for his fish, and Mr.

-Percy to humor him, complied, directing the overseer to cut him gently.

-When Uncle Abe had received the fiftieth lash, he cried, "Hold! I have

-got a partner in this business, to whom I have engaged to give half of

-whatever I should get for the fish--this overseer would not admit me

-only on that condition." O course the overseer had his share well paid,

-and Abe got his forty-rod as usual, with something added.

-

-

-

-

-Abe Passing Counterfeit Money.

-

-

-One day a poor woman ran into Uncle Abe's law office in great fright

-exclaiming:--

-

-"Oh, Mr. Lincoln, my boy has swallowed a penny!"

-

-"Was it a counterfeit," coolly asked Mr. Lincoln.

-

-"No, certainly not," replied the woman, somewhat indignantly.

-

-"Oh! well, then _it will pass_, of course," said Uncle Abe.

-

-It is hardly necessary to add that the anxious mother went home

-comforted and that the boy who "swallowed the penny," at the last

-Presidentia-election voted for "Honest Old Abe."

-

-

-

-

-The Wrong Man Poulticed.

-

-At the famous watering place, of the Blue Lick Springs, Uncle Abe

-was severely afflicted with a pain in the stomach, which neither gin

-cock-tails nor other cordials could remove. It was night and he was in

-bed. His loving wife, unwilling to awake the domestics, descended to

-the kitchen, and prepared mustard poultice, which she spread on her own

-handkerchief, and proceeded with it to the distressed Uncle Abe. Before

-leaving him, she left a light dimly burning in the apartment; but deeply

-impressed with anxiety, she was not as careful as she might have been in

-noting the number of her room.

-

-Guided by a light which she saw shining in a chamber, and which she

-supposed was the one she had left, she entered, and gently raising the

-bed clothes, &c., laid the warm poultice upon a stomach but not the

-stomach of Uncle Abe.

-

-"Hello there! What the -------- are you about?" shouted a voice of

-thunder, and the body and sleeves? whence it issued, sprang out of bed.

-

-The lady screamed and ran; Uncle Abe rushed to the rescue from the next

-room, the waiters joined and a small scene ensued, much to the amusement

-of all concerned. The poulticed gentleman had indiscreetly left a light

-in his room, and this lured the lady from her path.

-

-Uncle Abe was so amused and excited by the mistake that he quite forgot

-his pains; but early the next morning, with his wife and trunks,

-left for Springfield, 111. The poulticed man still retains the

-handkerchief--a beautiful cambric--with the lady's name on it, the

-initials of Frances Amelia E. Todd.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe as School Superintendent.

-

-When Uncle Abe kept grocery on the Sangamon he was elected as School

-Superintendent out of his district. It was his duty to examine the

-applicant teachers on mathematics; which he once did in this wise in his

-grocery store. "If two pigs weigh twenty pounds how much will a large

-hog weigh."

-

-"Jump into the scales," said the weilder of the birch, "and I'll soon tell

-you."

-

-Abe did not examine him further in mathematics.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Nose.

-

-Uncle Abe being asked once why he walked so crookedly? said, "Oh my

-nose, you see, is crooked, and I have to follow it!"

-

-

-

-

-Take Away the Fowls.

-

-After Uncle Abe had studied law some time and whilst travelling in the

-Prairie country in Knox County, Illinois, he stopped at the house of

-Mrs. Galt, an old Scotch lady whose husband was largely engaged in wool

-growing. Abe at this time was beginning to be proud of his learning,

-especially of his pronunciation of English. Mrs. Galt when dinner was

-over desired the servant in waiting to take away the fowls, which she,

-(as is sometimes done in Scotland), pronounced _fools_, "I presume,

-madam, you mean fowls" said Abe rather sententiously. "Very well, be it

-so," said Mrs. Galt; "take away the _fowls_, but let the _fool_ remain!"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Well Fed.

-

-Old Whitey, Abe's school master, said to him angrily one day, "Abraham

-you are better fed than taught!"

-

-"Should think I was," said Abe, "as I feed myself and you teach me!"

-

-Uncle Abe says there is a good deal of the devil in the Rebels. They

-sometimes fight like him, frequently run like him, and always lie like

-him.

-

-

-

-

-A Man of Means.

-

-Uncle Abe was asked by a client whether his neighbor Brown was "a man of

-means."

-

-"Well I reckon he ought to be," said Abe, "for he is just the meanest

-man in Springfield."

-

-

-

-

-Call Again.

-

-When Uncle Abe was taken sick recently, and Mrs Lincoln had sent for

-the doctor; Uncle Abe, having an aversion to physic, said, he had better

-call another time, as he was too sick then to joke with him.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Swapped when a Baby.

-

-Abe when asked whether he could account for his excessive homeliness

-said "when I was two months old I was the handsomest child in Kentuck,

-but my nigger nurse swapped me off for another boy just to please

-a friend who was going down the river whose child was rather plain

-looking."

-

-

-

-

-Hit at Antietam.

-

-Another story of Uncle Abe, too good to be lost, has leaked out. It

-seems he had accompanied a young lady to one of the hospitals in

-the capitol where the sympathizing creature, as in duty bound became

-interested in a wounded soldier. To all her inquiries as to the location

-of the wound, however, she could only get one reply, thus: "My good

-fellow where were you hit!"

-

-"At Antietam."

-

-"Yes, but where did the bullet strike you?"

-

-"At Antietam."

-

-"But where did it hit you!"

-

-"At Antietam." Becoming discouraged, she deputized Uncle Abe to

-prosecute the inquiry, which he did successfully Upon his rejoining her,

-she was more curious than, ever, when the President, taking both her

-hands in his said in his most impressive style. "My dear girl, the ball

-that hit _him_, would not have injured _you_."

-

-

-

-

-A Poor Crop.

-

-An old acquaintance of Uncle Abe's called upon him a short time since

-with the view to getting hold of a contract. Uncle Abe told him that

-contracts were not what they were in Cameron's time. "In fact," said he,

-"they remind me now of a piece of meadow land on the Sangamon bottoms

-during a drouth."

-

-"How was that?" said the Sucker--"Why," said Abe, looking rather

-quizical, "the grass was so short that they had to lather before they

-could mow it."

-

-

-

-

-Handy in Case of Emergencies.

-

-During the fall of 1863, Uncle Abe was riding on the Virginia side of

-the Potomac, between Arlington Heights and Alexandria, accompanied by

-Dr. N-------- of New Jersey. Passing the huge earth-work fortifications,

-the Doctor observed: "Mr. President, I have never yet been enabled to

-discover the utility of constructing and maintaining those forts. What

-is your opinion about them?"

-

-"Well doctor," replied Uncle Abe, "you are a medical man! and I will ask

-you a question in the line of your profession. Can you tell me the use

-of a man's nipples?"

-

-"No I can't" said the doctor "Well I can tell you," said Uncle

-Abe,--"They would be mighty handy if he happened to have a child."

-

-

-

-

-Value of a Reputation.

-

-A client of Uncle Abe's was tried for stealing, in Springfield,

-Illinois, when it was satisfactorily proven that he had acknowledged the

-theft to several persons. Uncle Abe argued in behalf of his client that

-he was such an abominable liar that no one could believe him and the

-jury ought not to. The judge charged against the prisoner, but to his

-astonishment the jury brought in a verdict that the accused was entirely

-unworthy of belief; and he was therefore acquitted.

-

-

-

-

-Didn't Like the Name.

-

-A young U. S. Officer being indicted at Chicago, for an assault on

-an aged gentleman, Uncle Abe began to open the case thus: "this is an

-indictment against a soldier for assaulting an old man."

-

-"Sir," indignantly interrupted the defendant, "I am no soldier, I am an

-officer!"

-

-"I beg your pardon," said Abe, grinning blandly; "then, gentlemen of the

-jury, this is an indictment against _an officer_, who is _no soldier_,

-for assaulting an old man."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Good Bye.

-

-When Uncle Abe joined the Sangamon Militia and entered on the Black Hawk

-war campaign, his Colonel was a small snipe of a fellow about four feet

-three inches. Physically, of course, Uncle Abe looked down upon his

-Colonel. Abe had rather a slouching look and gait at that time, and

-attracted by his awkward appearance, the dapper little Colonel thus

-saluted the future Executive and manufacturer of both Colonels and

-Brigadiers. "Come, Uncle Abe, hold up your head; higher, fellow!"

-

-"Yes sir."

-

-"Higher, fellow--higher." Abe stretched his lank neck to its greatest

-altitudinous tension and said, "What--so, Sir?"

-

-"Yes, fellow, a little higher."

-

-"And am I always to remain so?"

-

-"Yes, fellow, certainly!"

-

-"Then," said Uncle Abe, with a woeful countenance, "good bye, Colonel,

-for I shall never see _you again!_"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Last.

-

-Yesterday a Western correspondent, in search for something definite in

-relation to the fighting now going on, stepped into the White House and

-asked the President if he had anything authentic from Gen. Grant.

-The President stated that he had not, as Grant, was like the man that

-climbed the pole and then pulled the pole up after him.-- _Washington

-Union, May 16_.

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Lincolniana, by Andrew Adderup

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-   "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" >

-

-<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en">

-  <head>

-    <title>

-      Lincolniana, by Andrew Adderup

-    </title>

-<link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" />

-    <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve">

-

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-    .toc       { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;}

-    .toc2      { margin-left: 20%;}

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-    span.dropcap         { float: left; margin: 0 0.1em 0 0; line-height: 1 }

-    pre        { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;}

-

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-  </head>

-  <body>

-

-

-<pre>

-

-The Project Gutenberg EBook of Lincolniana, by Andrew Adderup

-

-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with

-almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or

-re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included

-with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org

-

-

-Title: Lincolniana

-       Or The Humors of Uncle Abe

-

-Author: Andrew Adderup

-

-Release Date: April 14, 2014 [EBook #45386]

-

-Language: English

-

-Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1

-

-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LINCOLNIANA ***

-

-

-

-

-Produced by David Widger from page images generously

-provided by the Internet Archive

-

-

-

-

-

-

-</pre>

-

-    <div style="height: 8em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h1>

-      LINCOLNIANA

-    </h1>

-    <h3>

-      OR THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE

-    </h3>

-    <h2>

-      By ANDREW ADDERUP

-    </h2>

-    <h4>

-      1861

-    </h4>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div class="fig" style="width:65%;">

-      <img src="images/0001m.jpg" alt="0001m " width="100%" /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h5>

-      <a href="images/0001.jpg"><i>Original</i></a>

-    </h5>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div class="fig" style="width:65%;">

-      <img src="images/0003m.jpg" alt="0003m " width="100%" /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h5>

-      <a href="images/0003.jpg"><i>Original</i></a>

-    </h5>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div class="fig" style="width:65%;">

-      <img src="images/0005m.jpg" alt="0005m " width="100%" /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h5>

-      <a href="images/0005.jpg"><i>Original</i></a>

-    </h5>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <b>CONTENTS</b>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_PREF"> Preface </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> LINCOLNIANA; OR, THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE, </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> The Wrong Pig by the Ear. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> "Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln Live." </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> Too Literal Obedience. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> How Uncle Abe Felt. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> P.P.P. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> Rattaned for a Rat Joke. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> The State House Struck by Whiggery. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> Graphic and True. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> A Judge of the Post Office. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> I'm an Inderlid. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> How Uncle Abe got his Sobriquet. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> "I'll take Number Eleven too." </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> A Severe Retort. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> Had all the Time there Was. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> Could Stand it a Day or Two, </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> Not the Worst of it. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0019"> Accoutred en Militaire. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> Perils of Illinois Lawyers. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> Couldn't Make a Presidential Chair. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> "Couldn't see It in that Light." </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> Too Tough for the Rebels. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0024"> Little Mac Helped by an Illustration. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> An Acre of Fight. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0026"> Uncle Abe Believes in the Intelligence of

-      Oysters. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> An Egyptian Snake Story </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> Why Uncle Abe Made a Brigadier. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> Uncle Abe Puzzled. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0030"> Uncle Abe Divided on a Question. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0031"> Tried for Scaring the Girls. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0032"> "Thank God for the Sassengers." </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0033"> Was'nt Murder After All. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0034"> Joe Reed's Mule Hunt. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0035"> Has no Influence with the Administration. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0036"> A Touching Incident. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0037"> A Lincoln Man Ducked. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0038"> A Comparison. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0039"> "There's Enough for All." </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0040"> Making a President. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0041"> Uncle Abe Boss of the Cabinet. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0042"> Uncle Peter Cartright's Wonder. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0043"> Uncle Abe a Shaksperian. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0044"> The Running Sickness. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0045"> How to Get Rid of Rats. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0046"> A Palpable Application </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0047"> Uncle Abe on the Whisky Question. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0048"> Edwards vs. Lincoln. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0049"> Metalic Ring. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0050"> A Grateful Postmaster. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0051"> A Serious Joke. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0052"> Fix the Date. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0053"> Rival of Uncle Abe. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0054"> Uncle Abe's Estimate of the Senate. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0055"> "Thought he Must be Good for Something." </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0056"> Aptly Said. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0057"> Uncle Abe as a Pilot. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0058"> Uncle Abe's Valentine. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0059"> "My Mary Ann." </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0060"> Uncle Abe's Honor. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0061"> "Smoke That." </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0062"> A Sufficient Reason. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0063"> The Boy and the Bear. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0064"> Too Deep. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0065"> Uncle Abe's First Speech. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0066"> Cute. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0067"> Abe's Spelling. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0068"> A Soldier's Theory of the War. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0069"> Nigger Mathematics. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0070"> Long and Short of it. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0071"> A Handy Faculty. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0072"> Uncle Abe on Time. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0073"> A Story that had no Reminder. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0074"> Has it "Gin Out?" </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0075"> A Major </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0076"> A Dry Drop. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0077"> Uncle Abe as a Physiognomist. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0078"> The Concrete vs. the Abstract. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0079"> Symptoms of Civilization. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0080"> Uncle Abe goes into Partnership. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0081"> Abe Passing Counterfeit Money. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0082"> The Wrong Man Poulticed. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0083"> Uncle Abe as School Superintendent. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0084"> Uncle Abe's Nose. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0085"> Take Away the Fowls. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0086"> Uncle Abe Well Fed. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0087"> A Man of Means. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0088"> Call Again. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0089"> Uncle Abe Swapped when a Baby. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0090"> Hit at Antietam. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0091"> A Poor Crop. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0092"> Handy in Case of Emergencies. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0093"> Value of a Reputation. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0094"> Didn't Like the Name. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0095"> Uncle Abe's Good Bye. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p class="toc">

-      <a href="#link2H_4_0096"> Uncle Abe's Last. </a>

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_PREF" id="link2H_PREF"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Preface

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Is Joe Miller "complete?" I doubt it, maugre the pretenses of title-pages.

-      An old joke is sometimes like a piece of painted glass in a kaleidoscope&mdash;every

-      turn gives it a new aspect, and the new view is sometimes taken for the

-      original phase. Perhaps this is true of some herein, although I am

-      unconscious of that being so. If the accusation be made, try Uncle Abe

-      first, for he is used to trials. As for me, I shall plead my privilege of

-      telling you "the tale as it was told to me." But if these "little jokes"

-      be not "sworn upon" for Miller, they shall stand for Uncle Abe&mdash;the

-      writer hereof claiming only a godfathership. And others shall follow as

-      fast as I glean them. To aid this purpose, let everybody who has a "good

-      thing" send it to the publisher of this, and duly it will appear in the

-      "complete" edition of Uncle Abe's jokes, always excepting the last, for

-      the act of dying over will remind him of some little story with a <i>hic

-      jacet</i> moral.

-    </p>

-    <h3>

-      ANDREW ADDERUP.

-    </h3>

-    <p>

-      Springfield, Ill., April 1, 1864.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h1>

-      LINCOLNIANA; OR, THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE,

-    </h1>

-    <div class="fig" style="width:65%;">

-      <img src="images/0003m.jpg" alt="0003m " width="100%" /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h5>

-      <a href="images/0003.jpg"><i>Original</i></a>

-    </h5>

-    <h2>

-      An Involuntary Black Republican.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Sometime after Mr. Lincoln's well remembered passage of the rebel Rubicon

-      at Baltimore, some radical Republicans, who thought they saw some signs of

-      the President's backwardness in vindicating the Chicago platform, went in

-      committee to the White House to beg him to carry out his principles&mdash;or

-      rather to stretch them in Queen Dido's style.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I don't know about it, gentlemen," replied Uncle Abe; "with a pretty

-      strong opposition at home and a rebellion at the South, we'd best push

-      republicanism rather slow. Fact is, I'm worse off than old blind Jack

-      Loudermill was when he got married on a short courtship. Some one asked

-      him a few days after, how he liked his new position. 'Dunno,' said he; 'I

-      went it blind to start with, and ain't had a chance to feel my way to a

-      conclusion yet.' So it is with me. Perhaps you can see further than I can,

-      to me the future is dark and lowering; and we have now got to feel every

-      step of our way forward. Making Republicans used to be hard work, and I

-      don't see as I could do much at it now, unless I proselyte by giving fat

-      offices to weak-kneed opponents; but that," continued Uncle Abe, with a

-      sly look toward several of his old Illinois friends, "would'nt be quite

-      fair to those who believe that 'to the victors belong the spoils.' Your

-      idea about pushing things reminds me of the first <i>black</i> Republican

-      I ever made."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      And the President threw his left leg over his right and subsided into that

-      air of <i>abandon</i> which denotes his pregnancy of a good story.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "You see, gentlemen," he began, "in my boyhood days, I had a slim chance

-      for schooling, and did'nt improve what I did have. Occasionally a Yankee

-      would wander into Kentuck, and open a school in the log building that was

-      a church and school house as well, and keep it till he got starved out or

-      heard of a better location. One Fall a bald headed, sour-visaged old man

-      came along and opened the school, and my people concluded I must go; as

-      usual the big boys soon began to test the master, who, though he was a

-      patient Jeffersonian Republican, seemed very tyrannical to us. My good

-      nature singled me out soon, as the scapegoat of the school, and I got more

-      than my share of the birch: at least, my back was as good as an almanac,

-      for every day of the week was recorded there. But, though this record of

-      past time was no pastime to me, I could stand it better than I could the

-      taunts and jibes of the boys out of school.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "One morning when a half dozen of us were warming before the broad logwood

-      fire, I noted a big fellow (who had got me flogged the day before)

-      standing on the side opposite, his back to the blaze: both hands were

-      partially open, one laid in the other; some would lay it to the devil, but

-      it was only the spirit of revenge which prompted me to pick up a live

-      coal, covered with ashes, and drop it into his hands. For a moment he

-      did'nt mind it, but it burned all the deeper; when it did burn he jumped

-      and bellowed like a stuck calf.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "'Who made that noise?' Demanded old Whitey? the master.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "'I made it,' replied the big fellow, rubbing his hands.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "'Why?' more angrily demanded old Whitey.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "'Some one put a coal of fire in my hand and burnt me,' sniffled the

-      booby.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "The big fellow, however, didn't know who did it. Some of the boys, who

-      had a lurking pity for me, said it snapt into his hand; but the master

-      'couldn't see it;' and at last it leaked out that 'Abe Lincoln done it.'

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "So you see, gentlemen," said Uncle Abe, moralizing, "I got the blame of a

-      long score of supposititious shortcomings by one act of my own, pretty

-      much as I had to bear the sins of my whole party in the late canvass,

-      because of a few sins of my own."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "'Abraham, come up here!' thundered the master, (By the way, gentlemen, my

-      people always called me Abe&mdash;my wife still calls me plain Abe&mdash;but

-      that old fellow called me <i>Abraham</i> so often and so severely that I

-      early dropped all claim to a definite appellative, and chose to be

-      indefinitely 'A. Lincoln.') * But to go on. I got a deserved threshing

-      that time, and a reputation withal for wickedness that saved all the

-      little rogues in school. At last, however, I determined to be even with

-      old Whitey, somehow.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "It wasn't long till I worked out an idea. Just over the master's desk was

-      a rude shelf, upon which he kept some books and a big-bellied bottle of

-      ink, which some admirer of his Jeffersonian-Republican principles had

-      presented him. I had observed that in stepping upon his desk platform, he

-      never touched or moved his chair, beyond leaning back in it, which he

-      always did, after taking his seat. So next day I robbed our old

-      long-tailed white horse of a few hairs and braided them in a three

-      stranded cord. While the master was gone out to his dinner, I put the thin

-      glass ink bottle upon the edge of the shelf propped a-cant, and tied one

-      end of the cord to the bottle, and the other end to the back of his chair.

-      The boys sympathized with me, and were in an extacy of delight. Anon the

-      master came. Without looking to the right or left, he marched sternly to

-      the chair, and hence saw not the repressed titter of expectation that was

-      ready to burst over the whole room. I stood just outside of the door

-      expecting the result; he sat down and then leaned back. Down came the

-      bottle, deluging the bald head in a shower of Stygian blackness! Yes,

-      gentlemen, I fancy that was the first <i>black</i> Republican ever made in

-      Kentuck, but the conversion was too sudden."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "How was that?" queried Cassius M. Clay.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why," replied Uncle Abe, "he afterwards married a widow and&mdash;&mdash;twelve

-      negroes."

-    </p>

-<pre xml:space="preserve">

-     * When Mr. Lincoln was nominated, very many papers ran up

-     the name of "Abram Lincoln."

-</pre>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      The Wrong Pig by the Ear.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      I never knew a flash phrase worse used up than was one by Uncle Abe

-      attending one of the neighboring Circuit Courts above Springfield. He was

-      employed to aid a young County Attorney to prosecute some reputed hog

-      thieves. The crime of hog stealing had become so common that the people

-      were considerably excited and an example was determined on. The first

-      person tried was acquitted on a pretty clear <i>alibi</i> or pretty hard

-      swearing. As the fellow thus acquitted was lounging round the Court House,

-      Uncle Abe was passing, and he hailed him.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well Mr. Lincoln, I reckon you got the wrong sow by the ear when you

-      undertook to pen me up."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "So it seems," replied Uncle Abe, blandly, "but really you must excuse me,

-      pigs are so very much alike! In fact, people up here don't all seem to

-      know their own."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      "Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln Live."

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      In "Clay times," as the old farmers of Sangamon still recall the period of

-      Henry Clay's powerful canvass for the Presidency, Uncle Abe had a wide

-      circuit practice. In travelling to the various courts, he generally drove

-      a horse and vehicle that some people will still remember. The horse had

-      belonged to an undertaker, and the "funeral business," together with

-      years, had made him a grave and staid animal. His <i>physique</i>

-      presented those angularities that characterized his master, but unlike his

-      owner, he was never known to perpetrate a joke or indulge in a

-      "horselaugh." The vehicle was neither buggy, nor Jersey wagon, but had

-      become, by virtue of alterations and repairs, what Uncle Abe afterwards

-      described the Union under the plan of free and Slave States "neither one

-      thing or the other." There was in fact an "eternal fitness" in horse and

-      man that was not exactly a "standing joke," but a peripatetic one.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      I would give all my expectation of a brigadiership for a portrait of Uncle

-      Abe seated in this strange "turnout," as he "might have been seen" wending

-      his meditative way across the prairies.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      About this time Uncle Abe was nominated for Congress in the Sangamon. Yet

-      he did not forego his business, but prosecuted his legal course, as well

-      as all evil-doers who chanced to fall into his hands. He had just started

-      on a circuit trip, to be gone a month. Often, since Mr. Lincoln's

-      nomination for Congress, had Mrs. Lincoln begged him to add a second story

-      to their humble dwelling, but he pleaded poverty. But a relation of Mrs.

-      Lincoln's having died in Kentucky leaving her a small legacy, she

-      determined her husband should have a house worthy a candidate for

-      Congress. Doubtless she felt an inward satisfaction at the thought of

-      furnishing a good surprise for her husband on his return. So she at once

-      bought material, set mechanics at work, and in three weeks metamorphosed

-      the dwelling into what political pilgrims to Springfield in 1860 will

-      remember as a neat, two-story, clay-colored residence.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe arrived home just after dark, and drove up to what he thought to

-      be Eighth street, but not seeing his house, and thinking he had made a

-      mistake, he drove round on to the next street. Recognizing the houses

-      there; he again drove around to Eighth, and, passing his own house,

-      recognized that occupied by W&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n, a clever tailor, who

-      was standing at his own gate.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why, is that you, Wilkie?" (said Uncle Abe patronizingly.) W&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n,

-      assured him of his own identity, "Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln live

-      now."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well," said W&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n, "The Loco's say he's so sure of his

-      election that he's gone to Washington to select his seat; but Mrs. Lincoln

-      lives now in that beautiful new two-story house you have just passed."

-      Uncle Abe indulged in a quaint laugh, and then turned his ancient horse

-      around, alighted and asked if Mrs. Lincoln lived in the house before which

-      he stood. Mrs. Lincoln received him as a fond woman should receive her

-      lord, and the return was the cause of much pleasant badinage in social

-      circles.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Too Literal Obedience.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Gen. McClellan was complaining to Uncle Abe of one of his division

-      commanders, who had literally obeyed an order publicly given for the

-      purpose of hood-winking the rebels through the aid of the numerous

-      undetected spies known to lurk in the camp as well as the capital.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "That reminds me of a little story&mdash;a little thing that happened to

-      me when I was out in the Black Hawk war," said Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "You see, after we brought the Foxes to terms, they were as sweet as wild

-      honey. The women especially tried to make a good thing out of the defeat

-      of their braves, by selling us moccasins, deerskin breeches, &amp;c. One

-      squaw in particular, made beautiful breeches, and I concluded to have a

-      pair made. How she was to fit my spindles, puzzled me at first, as the

-      Indians are no tailors in any <i>measurable</i> degree. At last I

-      bethought me of an old pair which I had in my saddle bag, and these I gave

-      to her that she might rip them open and use the parts for patterns. When

-      she brought the new ones home, I was not a little angry to find that she

-      had exactly imitated the old patch on the nether parts of the new

-      breeches."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Little Mac smiled in his peculiar grave way, and remarked that when he

-      gave an order for a similar purpose, he would tell this story by way of a

-      hint.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      How Uncle Abe Felt.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Soon after Uncle Abe's defeat by Judge Douglas in 1848, (whereby Douglas

-      unwittingly made a President) some one asked Uncle Abe how he felt over

-      the result.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well," said he, "I feel a good deal like a big boy I knew in Kentuck.

-      After he'd got a terrible pounding by the school master, someone asked him

-      how he felt? 'Oh! said he, it hurt so awful bad, I couldn't laugh, and I

-      was too big to cry over it.' That's just my case."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      It is presumed the questioner got an idea how a defeated politician feels.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      P.P.P.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Soon after the advent of Uncle Abe at the White House, the pressure of

-      aspirants for official positions was perfectly crushing.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      In fact, Uncle Abe sometimes got so flustered by their bedevilment, that

-      he not only failed to recollect an illustrating anecdote, but soon lost

-      his temper.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      One of the Illinois applicants&mdash;a fellow named Jeff.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      D&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;r, was particularly a bore, seeming to think it part

-      of the Chicago platform to give every village politician an office.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Seems to me, Jeff," said Uncle Abe, "you got the Chicago platform reduced

-      to enormous brevity&mdash;in fact, just three p's would seem to express

-      your idea of it."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "How's that, Mr. Lincoln?" inquired-Jeff.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why, it looks to me as if it was patriotism, place and plunder, and a

-      mighty important plea is the last one, I reckon."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Jeff was silent for a while, but bored on until he "struck ile" in the

-      shape-of a clerkship.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Rattaned for a Rat Joke.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Just after the retreat of the rebels from Bull Run, when it leaked out

-      that our troops had been held at bay by wooden or Quaker guns, a

-      Pennsylvanian Congressman remarked to Uncle Abe&mdash;"Well, Mr. Lincoln,

-      you see that Quaker principles even embodied in wood may be of some

-      service in war."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes, but as you see in that shape, they are only substituted principles;

-      such things may do once, but found out, they will avail worse than

-      nothing. Your remark, however, 'reminds me of a little story.'

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "When I was a youngster of fifteen or so, I went to an 'Academy' for a few

-      weeks, just to brush up my old-field school learning. Such schools are

-      called Academies in the East, to distinguish their intermediate position

-      between colleges and common schools; but in Kentuck and the West,

-      generally the high sounding title merely meant that the 'principal' taught

-      a few branches ahead of the old-field schools. Well, the rats were thick

-      about the old building where we daily gathered to reap the fruit of

-      knowledge; and as many of the boys brought their dinners and threw the

-      fragments under their old-fashioned box desks, they soon grew as bold as

-      they were thick. The teacher had a mortal antipathy to rats, and as I

-      didn't 'take' to the teacher, I naturally encouraged the rats. Whenever

-      one showed himself, he was sure to get a whack from the old teacher's

-      rattan. Sometimes he missed his aim at the rats, but never at us boys,

-      which was owing, perhaps, to the difference in the size of the game.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "An industrious rat had made a hole from beneath the floor up under my

-      desk, and thence out through the end, and as I fed him well he was quite

-      tame. Often during school hours he would come up and peer out into the

-      aisles through his hole in the end of the desk, and whenever he was seen

-      by the teacher, he was sure to see the rattan whirling in the air. An idea

-      struck me one day. I got a dead rat&mdash;I did not like to kill my pet&mdash;and

-      stuffing it, made quite a good-looking 'Quaker' rat. Then I fixed some

-      springs so I could work my rat out and in at pleasure; so whenever the

-      teacher was looking up, my rat was always out; but when the whack came

-      down, he was in betimes. At last he seemed to think it wondrous tame, and

-      the ill-suppressed titter of the school boys finally made him suspicious.

-      The boys had been let into my secret, and relished it hugely, and I was

-      too prone to give a few exhibitions. At last the teacher watched me

-      sharper than he did the rat, and then caught me in the act. He got hold of

-      the rat and beat me alternately with rat and switch, and you may well

-      guess, I was well rattaned. If soldiers who use wooden guns ever get worse

-      usage, I pity them."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The 300 Pounder Parrot since used by the Government, shows Uncle Abe's

-      poor appreciation of Quaker guns and Quaker principles.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      The State House Struck by Whiggery.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Soon after the State House at Springfield was erected, in 1840, Mr.

-      Lincoln stood on the east side of the Capitol Square one day, in

-      conversation with a Democratic friend, who was loth to believe that the

-      Whigs could carry the State for "Tip and Ty."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Nothing is more morally certain," said Uncle Abe. "All the signs of the

-      times point to it, and&mdash;why even the State House is struck with

-      Whiggery" he said, pointing up under the eves, where is yet seen a

-      remarkable representation of a "coon" in the stone.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Graphic and True.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      When Hon. Emerson Etheridge escaped from Tennessee during the summer of

-      1862, his opinions on Tennessee affairs were eagerly listened to in

-      Washington. Among other questions, Uncle Abe asked:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Do the Methodist clergy in your State take to secession?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Take? Why, sir, they take to it like a duck to water, or a sailor to a

-      duff kid."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Judge of the Post Office.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Judge David Davis of Bloomington, Illinois, who was recently appointed (by

-      Uncle Abe) to a position on the bench of the Supreme Court of the United

-      States, is known to many of his friends as one of the best hearted men in

-      the world. His, is withal, full of the piety of good humor. I call it

-      "piety," because I think a smiling face is a perpetual thanksgiving to

-      God. His benevolence, however, edges down his wit, and gives it more the

-      characteristic of humor, strictly speaking. This, while it may have helped

-      that "belly with fat capon lined," has kept him at peace with himself and

-      the world.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      On one occasion, while Judge Davis was presiding at the Logan County

-      Circuit Court, a case came up that involved a question of postal law.

-      Uncle Abe was on the case, and politely loaned Judge D. a small manual of

-      postal law, that he might see for himself what the letter of the law was.

-      The Judge gave his understanding of the law, but had hardly finished when

-      Mr. S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s, a burley farmer from Clear Creek, jumped up

-      and sang out&mdash;

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I reckon that ain't so, Judge. I've been Post-Master more'n a dozen

-      years, and I reckon I ought to know what's Post Office law."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Of course Judge Davis had every right to fine the man for contempt, but he

-      had a different way of treating such cases. "With a tone in which sarcasm

-      only slightly blended, he said:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Truly, I think you ought, Mr. S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s. It has never been

-      my privilege to be a Post-Master, and I would like your opinion in this

-      case. Please step this way."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The Judge moved over and made room on the bench, which Mr. S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s

-      occupied, and proceeded to give <i>his</i> opinion on the mooted question.

-      The bar sat smiling in expectation.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Keep your seat, Mr. S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s, while I speak a word with my

-      friend Parks."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe it was who had been interrupted, so he resumed:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "May it please the Court, I had some doubt on this point myself, so I

-      borrowed the usual manual of Postal Law, to be perfectly assured. I regret

-      to contend that the clear letter of the law conflicts&mdash;sadly

-      conflicts&mdash;with the view just taken by Judge S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s;"

-      but here the bar indulged in a quiet "smile" without a stick in it, and it

-      just popped into Mr. S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;'s head, that he was out of

-      place, and he skedaddled in haste.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "The largest <i>pussie</i> Judge that sat on our bench," remarked Will

-      Wyatt. From that day to this, Mr. S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s, has never lost

-      the title he so suddenly gained.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      I'm an Inderlid.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      One day while Uncle Abe was attending to a case at Mount Pulaski, (the

-      country seat of Logan County, Illinois,) he was beset by old B&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s,

-      a worthy farmer, but a notorious malaprop, for an opinion as to his

-      amenability to the road tax. "You look here, Mr. Lincoln, these fellows

-      here want to make me work on the road."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well!" said Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, I tells them that they can't do it, cause I'm an <i>inderlid</i>,

-      you see."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      (Of course Uncle Abe concurred in B&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s opinion, and

-      forgot to charge a fee.)

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "On another occasion, he wanted John G. Gillette, the great cattle dealer,

-      to <i>proximate</i> him because he'd got the best pair of cattle scales in

-      Logan County."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      How Uncle Abe got his Sobriquet.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Some one ventured to ask Uncle Abe, soon after his arrival at the White

-      House, how he got the sobriquet of "Honest Abe."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh," said he, "I suppose my case was pretty much like that of a country

-      merchant I once read of. Some one called him a 'little rascal.' 'Thank you

-      for the compliment,' said he. 'Why so?' asked the stigmatizer. 'Because

-      that title distinguishes me from my fellow tradesmen, who are all <i>great</i>

-      rascals.'"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "So honest lawyers were so scarce in Illinois that you were thus

-      distinguished from them?" persisted the questioner.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well," quoth Uncle Abe, glancing slyly at Douglas, Sweet, and others from

-      Illinois, "it's hard to say where the honest ones are."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      "I'll take Number Eleven too."

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Thirty-five or forty years ago, a trip from Sangamon or Macon County, to

-      St. Louis, was an event to be talked of. It took as long to make it, and

-      furnished food for as much rustic enquiry and comment, as does a voyage to

-      Europe now. Uncle Abe had then given up rail-splitting, and was studying

-      law. Having a little while before treated himself to a (then) rare thing,

-      a suit of "store clothes;" and a neighbor being about to leave for St.

-      Louis, he resolved to go along. As the teams toiled on at the rate of

-      fifteen or twenty miles a day, they were gradually joined by others, till

-      the train presented somewhat the sights now to be seen on our great

-      overland routes to the Pacific.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      On arrival at St. Louis, Abe determined to see high life, and accordingly

-      made tracks for a letter A. No. 1, first class Hotel. The Old City Hotel

-      was then the only house that could claim that distinction. There the

-      merchants congregated, and there the Indian trader sought relaxation from

-      frontier hardships, while the rough trapper was content with the humble

-      fare of the "Hunter's Home."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      I forget what association called out this reminiscence of that trip; but

-      there can be no harm in repeating the story. Such mishaps have befallen

-      incipient greatness before.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      At the dinner table, each waiter was provided with a wine card, and each

-      guest had his wine charged to the number of his room, simply calling out,

-      as for instance, Sherry No. 9, &amp;c. A jolly Indian trader, sat just

-      opposite Abe, who betimes called "Claret, No 11." Abe saw that most of the

-      guests were similarly providing for themselves, and concluded not to

-      appear penurious, so he said he'd take some wine too.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "What kind, sah?" asked the waiter.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh, I'll take the same,"&mdash;pointing to the bottle just called for by

-      the Indian trader.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "What number, sah?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Abe was puzzled. Ho had not been used to wine or hotel life; but it was

-      only a moment before he broke the ice.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh, I'll just take No. 11 too."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The trader looked up surprised, while several others near by, smiled a

-      faint comprehension as to the state of affairs.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why, young man," said the trader, "that is my number, and mine is a

-      single room."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I beg pardon," stammered Abe, conscious that he had betrayed rusticity

-      and ignorance; but not knowing exactly how to extricate himself, the

-      good-hearted trader came to his aid&mdash;

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Were you ever in the city before?" asked he.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Never before."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, then, in memory of your advent, it shall be No. 11 too," and he

-      quietly pushed the bottle across the table. So agreeable was he that Abe

-      rallied, and the second bottle followed the fate of the first. On renewing

-      the conversation after dinner, the trader was satisfied that Abe had

-      'lots' of 'horse sense,' but little of worldly experience, and he

-      friendlily invited him to go out with him as a clerk; but, Abe declined.

-      Had he gone&mdash;what? Perhaps he might have become a respectable Indian

-      trader&mdash;perhaps he never had been elected President, and perhaps we

-      would have had no rebellion.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Severe Retort.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe took a great liking to the late Col. Ellsworth, and afterwards

-      did him the honor of making a Colonel of him. The rebel Jackson did the

-      rest, but enough of that. Many of our readers will recall the slim, spruce

-      figure of Col. Ellsworth as he paraded the streets of Springfield, dressed

-      in a unique Zouave uniform, a mere boy in appearance. He was full of

-      animal spirits. He and Bob O'Lincoln were cutting up didoes in the Law

-      office of Lincoln and Hornden, which greatly annoyed Uncle Abe, and he

-      gently reproved them. Bob, a little nettled, replied by quoting the common

-      couplet:

-    </p>

-    <p class="indent10">

-      "A little nonsense now and then,

-    </p>

-    <p class="indent10">

-      Is relished by the wisest men."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes," said Uncle Abe, looking severely at Bob, "that's the difference

-      between a wise man and a fool who relishes it all the time."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Bob subsided, and Ellsworth betook himself anew to Blackstone.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Had all the Time there Was.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      When Uncle Abe used to attend the Courts in the regions round about

-      Sangamon, he generally made easy stays, and was wont to look at the

-      country and talk to the people at his leisure. On one occasion he was

-      riding by the premises of old H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;, who was notorious

-      for his unthriftiness, and who was in the act of driving some stray hogs

-      out of his corn-field.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Good morning, Mr. H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;," said Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Morning, Mr. Lincoln, morning."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why don't you mend that piece of fence thoroughly, Mr. H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;,

-      and keep the pigs out?" asked Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Ha'n't got time," said H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why," said Uncle Abe, with an air of blended reproof and humor, "you've

-      got all the time there is Mr. H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Whether H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash; mended his fence and his thriftless habits,

-      this deponent knoweth not; but has often thought how true was the remark,

-      whether as a joke or an admonition. Every second, minute or hour is ours&mdash;ours

-      to use or ours to squander. How wontonly wasteful would be the rich man

-      who should stand upon a vessel's deck and cast his million golden coins

-      into the sea; yet day after day we stand upon the shores of eternity, and

-      cast the golden moments into the unreturning past. All the knowledge and

-      wealth of the world is but the result of improved time. So don't say you

-      "havn't got time," for you've got all there is, as Uncle Abe says.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Could Stand it a Day or Two,

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      About the time this occurred, there stood on one side of Capitol Square,

-      in Springfield, a Hotel, now doubtless out of memory of most of the

-      occupants of the out-lots and additions which speculators have hitched to

-      the original village. In its day it was a "first-class hotel," but it

-      waned before the "American" and is now among the "things that were." There

-      were some who doubted the cleanliness of the <i>cuisine</i>, and "thereby

-      hangs a tale."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Judge Brown arrived in town and put up at the aforesaid hotel, whereat,

-      Uncle Abe, on meeting him, expressed his regret, begging him to become <i>his</i>

-      guest. The Judge would fain not trouble his friend.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But you know the reputation of the place&mdash;the kitchen?" said Uncle

-      Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I've heard of it," said the Judge; "but as I want to keep my appetite, I

-      always shun the kitchen, if not the cooks."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But surely, can't you see by the table alone, Judge?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I know, Mr. Lincoln, but I'm going to stop only a day or two, and I guess

-      I can stand for that time what the landlord's family stand all their

-      lives."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Speaking of Hotels, reminds me of a little episode of one of Uncle Abe's

-      professional visits to Cairo, in Egypt, a town fenced in with mud-banks

-      and celebrated for its mud-holes and mean whisky. Thereabouts is a Hotel,

-      and thereat Uncle Abe stopped because the water forbade further traveling.

-      When his bill was presented to him next morning, he ventured to remark,

-      "that his accommodation had not been of the most agreeable kind."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "We are very much crowded," apologetically replied the landlord.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But I had hard work to get breakfast this morning."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes," continued the apologist, "we are greatly in need of help."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, well," said Uncle Abe, "you keep a first rate hotel in one

-      respect."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Ah!" said the landlord, brightening up, "in what respect is that?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Your bills," said Undo Abe, vanishing towards the "Central" cars.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The Ky-ro-ite landlord perhaps thought he ought to be well compensated for

-      keeping a hotel in such a place. A man of his sort used to "keep tavern"

-      in Pasy County, Indiana, several years ago. A pedestrian stopped with him

-      over night, for which the charge was 2.50.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why, landlord," said he, "this is an outrageous bill."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "You mean it's a big'un?" said the insatiate Boniface.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes, I do."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, stranger, we keep tavern here."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "What has that to do with such a bill?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Look at that'ere sign, stranger&mdash;cost ten dollars; your'n the fust

-      trav'ler that's bin along for three weeks, and we can't afford to keep

-      tavern for nothin&mdash;<i>we</i> can't!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Not the Worst of it.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Gov. Morgan, of New York, was urging the employment of General W&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;in

-      active service, Seward objected, that he was "too old" for the emergency

-      of the times.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes," said Uncle Abe, "we've got too many old officers in the army, and

-      that is not the worst of it&mdash;<i>we've got two many old women</i>

-      there!" This was when Uncle Abe's faith was strong in little Mac.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Some conclusions;" said Uncle Abe on one occasion, "are nonsequential. To

-      say that Rome was not built in a day, does not prove that it was built in

-      a night."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0019" id="link2H_4_0019"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Accoutred en Militaire.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      In the outset of the famous Black-hawk war in Illinois, a "hoss company"

-      was raised in the region where Uncle Abe was (then) a rising lawyer. I say

-      rising, although he had then reached a height sufficient to help himself

-      to most blessings&mdash;and he, the aforesaid U.A., was chosen Captain.

-      Uncle Abe rode a "slapping stallion," who was either naturally restive, or

-      appreciated his new honor too highly&mdash;at any rate, he corvetted and

-      pirouetted like a very Bucephalus. At last he unhorsed his rider, who

-      landed sprawling on the prairie in one of those green excrescences that

-      abound where bovine herds range. As the discomfitted Uncle Abe rose, and

-      surveyed his predicament, old Pierre Menard, who was a near spectator,

-      remarked in his broken French:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Vell, I nevair sees any man accoutred en militaire like zat before."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Most old suckers pronounce accoutred as the Yankees do the word cowcumber,

-      and this rendered Menard's joke more unctious.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Perils of Illinois Lawyers.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Years ago, when the capital of Suckerdom was a village of less

-      "magnificence" than it now presents&mdash;when Lincoln, Harden, Baker,

-      McDougal, Douglas, Shields and Ferguson were all village lawyers, and

-      scarcely known to fame&mdash;Judge Thomas Brown was on the Supreme bench

-      of the State. He was to some extent a "character;" but not a very

-      successful lawyer. He went to California, since when he has been generally

-      lost sight of; but his old friends may be assured that if he is in the

-      "land of the living," Uncle Abe's tax collectors will find him. But that's

-      neither here nor there. His ideas of the perils of practicing law in

-      Illinois, in early times, is what is now before the reader.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      On one occasion, after he had changed his residence to Peoria, having some

-      business to transact in Springfield, he arrived in that place and put up

-      at the old American House, (now kept by Henry Bidgely, Esq.) He chanced to

-      mention the name of Peoria. Instantly the attention of a countryman was

-      fixed, upon him, who, at the first opportunity accosted him&mdash;

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "From Peoria, Squar?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Much acquainted?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Pretty well, Sir."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Know a lawyer up there named H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;g R&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes sir."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "How's he getting along?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh, first rate&mdash;devilish lucky man."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "He's getting hold of considerable land, hain't he?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes a deal&mdash;devilish lucky man.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes&mdash;large&mdash;devilish lucky man."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Look here, Squar," said the countryman, evidently puzzled at R&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;s

-      being so devilish lucky.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "What do you mean about his being so lucky?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Mean? why I call any man lucky that practices law twenty years in

-      Illinoiss, and don't get into the penitentiary."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Couldn't Make a Presidential Chair.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      "Mr. Lincoln," said an ardent sovereignty man just at the beginning of the

-      last Presidential contest "Mr. Douglas is a cabinet maker."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "He <i>was</i> when I first knew him," said Uncle Abe "but he gave up the

-      business so long ago, that I don't think he can make a Presidential chair

-      now." Uncle Abe proved himself a prophet, although at a tremendous cost to

-      the country.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      "Couldn't see It in that Light."

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      A delegation of temperance men recently sought to influence Uncle Abe to

-      take some stringent steps to suppress intemperance in our armies. Among

-      other reasons urged, they said our armies were often beaten because of

-      intemperance.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Is that so?" said Undo Abe. "I've heard on all sides that the rebels

-      drink more than our boys do, and I can't see why our boys, who drink less,

-      are more liable to get whipped."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But you know the corrupting influence of the army in regard to drinking

-      habits," pursued the Committee.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I've heard that, too," said Uncle Abe, "but I think they will do pretty

-      well <i>if I can keep them out of Washington!</i>"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The Committee didn't carry their measure, by a jug full.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Too Tough for the Rebels.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      When the Illinois boys gathered at Springfield, under the call of the ten

-      regiment bill, they were quartered on the fair grounds, just out of the

-      city. All the stalls were filled with troops, before which were signs as

-      "St. Nicholas," "Richmond House," etc., etc. Charley W&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;,

-      on going through the fair grounds, looked into the "Richmond House," and

-      said&mdash;

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, boys, how do you get along?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh, first rate," replied the Chicagoians, "we're all <i>stall fed</i>."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Bully for you," said Charley; "hope you'll be too tough for the rebels."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Little Mac Helped by an Illustration.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      "I can't seem to reap any advantage from the rebel movements," said

-      McClellan, in consultation with Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh, you just keep a watchful, careful eye on Leer and perhaps you will

-      yet see how to make use of them, as old Mother Grundy did of her crooked

-      wood."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Thereby hangs a tale," remarked little Mac, with one of his peculiar,

-      quaint smiles.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "You're right, General. Your remark reminded me of a good old neighbor of

-      my father's, in Kentucky, who died many years ago. She was sweet-tempered&mdash;few

-      such in this world." Uncle Abe stopped as though a mental comparison had

-      damaged some woman of his acquaintance. "Yes, her disposition was of that

-      kind that extracts 'good from things evil.' And she was her husband's

-      pride and boast. One day he was praising her to a neighbor."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "'Look here, old man Grundy,' said the neighbor 'these women are just like

-      cats&mdash;they are all right as long as you stroke the fur the right way,

-      but reverse the movement, and you'll see the fire fly. Now, I'll tell you

-      what, I bet a four-gallon keg of my four-year-old peach, that I can tell

-      you how to make her as mad as a set-hen, if you dare to try."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "'Done,' cried old man Grundy.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "'Well, you just haul home all the crookedest sticks of wood you can find,

-      and then see.'

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Old man Grundy brought home a small load every day or two, and it was

-      knotty and crooked as a pigs-tail; but not a word or look of complaint.

-      For a week this continued, with the same result, when he asked the good

-      wife how she liked the wood."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "'Oh,'tis beautiful wood,' said she; 'it burns finely, and then it fits <i>around

-      my pots and kettles just, as if 'twas made on purpose</i>.'"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Lee did not fit into Mac's hand so well, yet the story was not without its

-      use to him.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      An Acre of Fight.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      During the progress of the Senatorial campaign between Douglas and

-      Lincoln, Uncle Abe came home to recreate a few days. Douglas, long used to

-      the political arena, bore the fatigues of the canvass like a veteran. His

-      custom was to bathe just after supper, getting some friend to rub him like

-      a race horse, when he would sit down and enjoy his whisky and cigar.

-      Lincoln, lank and abstemious, bore his yoke with evident weariness. But to

-      the story.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe went up into the Governor's room in the State House, where he

-      was soon joined by many of the leading Republicans of the town. Some one

-      remarked on his look of weariness. "It is a mighty contest," remarked

-      Uncle Jesse Du Bois.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But Mr. Lincoln does not show his great appreciation of it upon the

-      stand," remarked a Chicago correspondent, in allusion to Uncle Abe's good

-      humored replies to Douglas.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But still, when the day's gladiatorial combat is over, it seems to me, as

-      the Kentucky fellow said, that I had been through 'an acre of fight.'"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Give us that story, Abe," said Dr. Wallace, Uncle Abe's brother-in-law.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, one of my earliest recollections of a Kentucky Court, was a trial

-      about a fight. It took place in the Court House grounds, and the Judge,

-      thinking it constructable as a contempt of Court, sent out the Sheriff,

-      and had the parties quickly brought before him. Both had bruised noses and

-      beavers, and showed the unmistakable evidence of having been in a

-      scrimage. The witnesses were numerous, and the evidence was so

-      conflicting, that the Judge declared he could legally reach no other

-      conclusion than that there had <i>been no fight at all</i>. But the

-      Sheriff ventured to suggest:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Here's Jim Blowers&mdash;he had hold on one of them fellers, when I

-      arrested them."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Mr. Clerk," said the Judge, "you will at once swear Mr. Blowers."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Now, Mr. Blowers," said the Clerk, "you will please tell the Court what

-      you know about this affair."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, ax on."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, was there a fight between these parties?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Just a bit of scrimage."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "It was a real fight, was it?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, some people would call it that."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "How much of a fight was it?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh, considerable&mdash;they pulled and hauled about kinder like two cows

-      when they lock horns."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But, tell the Court more precisely?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, I should say it was a right smart fight."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But <i>how</i> much of a fight?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, then, just about an acre, I reckon."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      It is needless to say that the crowd enjoyed the joke hugely.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "It is easier to pay a small debt than a larger one."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0026" id="link2H_4_0026"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe Believes in the Intelligence of Oysters.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      In the year 1860 or thereabouts, when a great patent case was being tried

-      in Chicago, and champagne and oysters were the favorite viands served

-      nightly to Counsel and Jurors after the adjournment of Court, it happened

-      that one Ed. D&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n, a young patent lawyer from New York,

-      was present on one of those occasions. Now, Ned is terribly afflicted with

-      a determination of words to the mouth, and managed to monopolize the whole

-      conversation. Ned had a speech to make upon everything, and kept buzzing

-      around like a musquito, dipping his bill into everything animate or

-      inanimate, no matter which. At last he began to officiate at serving out

-      the oysters, and with ladle in hand, said in his usual stilted style, "I

-      wonder whether this bivalve, this seemingly obtuse oyster, is endowed with

-      any degree of intelligence." Uncle Abe looked at the puppy, who, by the

-      way, had prevented him cracking a single one of his favorite jokes for the

-      entire evening, and quaintly remarked, that "he was satisfied that an

-      oyster knew when to shut up, and that was more than some New York lawyers

-      knew." Ned has never propounded the query as to the intellect of oysters

-      since.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      An Egyptian Snake Story

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      The last county made in Illinois&mdash;I don't mean by the Legislature,

-      but by Nature, and where dirt was so short that it lies under water part

-      of the year&mdash;is called Alexander, and used to boast two rival towns,

-      both thoroughly Egyptian in their nomenclative association&mdash;Cairo and

-      Thebes. Twenty years ago Thebes was the "seat of justice;" but Cairo was

-      then beginning to entertain magnificent expectations, and her citizens

-      wanted to have the Court House removed to their town. The contest waxed

-      warm. The Thebans contended that Cairo was only a "daub of mud on the tail

-      of the State," while Thebes was destined to hold the same relation to

-      Alexander, that its ancient namesake did to Egypt in the time of Menes.

-      [See Herodotus.] But to settle the dispute, the Legislature must be

-      appealed to, and that involved the choice of a man favorable to the

-      change. This narrowed the fight right down to a hot county canvass between

-      the Theban and Cairoine interests.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      A Cairo man conceived a scheme that was ahead of anything yet achieved by

-      Uncle Abe's brigadiers in the way of "strategy." He wrapped a boulder in a

-      green hide, making a perfectly round mass, to which he attached a mule;

-      then night after night he drew the stone through sand and mud. By going on

-      a straight line, the mule's tracks were concealed, and the track left,

-      resembled that made by a huge serpent.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div class="fig" style="width:65%;">

-      <img src="images/0041m.jpg" alt="0041m " width="100%" /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h5>

-      <a href="images/0041.jpg"><i>Original</i></a>

-    </h5>

-    <p>

-      These tracks were mainly in the south end of the county, and caused an

-      excitement that almost absorbed the election interest. Soon it was

-      reported that Mrs. so and so had seen a huge snake. The wonder grew apace.

-      Anon it was currently reported that two men had seen the great serpent

-      five miles above Cairo. The excitement increased. Several daring hunters

-      followed the track, of which new ones were made every night; but the trail

-      always led into water and was lost. Several persons missed hogs and

-      calves, which were surmised to have gone into the capacious maw of the

-      serpent. Finally word was given out that a great hunt was to come off in

-      the lower part of the county, and the rendezvous was appointed. On the

-      morning, hundreds were there from all parts of the county, and dividing

-      into squads they started to scour the country about. At night they

-      returned from their snakeless hunt, but so anxious were the people to get

-      rid of his snakeship, that they furnished an abundance of edibles and

-      whisky. All were in hilarious spirits, determined to renew the hunt on the

-      following morning. By daylight the hunters were again on the tramp, and

-      men from the lower part of the county happened to fall into the squad.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      About 3 o'clock in the afternoon, a squad of the bans hove in sight of a

-      small village, <i>i.e.</i> one house a blacksmith shop and a grocery,

-      where, seeing a large crowd assembled, they hurried up in expectation of

-      seeing the dead monster. <i>But the men were voting!</i>

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Thunder!" cried a Theban, "this is election day, and I'll bet my bottom

-      dollar we're sold!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      They started for the rendezvous and spread their suspicions; but so few

-      reached their own precincts, that the Cairo man was elected.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Then the joke came out; but the Thebans couldn't see the "laughing place;"

-      their rage and mortification was so intense.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe was a member of the Legislature, when an effort was made to

-      change the county seat of Alexander; and though he liked the joke hugely

-      by which the Thebans had been "diddled," he saw the honesty of the thing

-      and so voted against any change.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Why Uncle Abe Made a Brigadier.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      When the rebellion had gone so far as to give the most hopeful some clear

-      idea of its extent and malignancy, it chanced that J. A. Mc&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;d,

-      a leading politician of Illinois, made a visit to Washington, and imitated

-      his friend Douglas so far as to call upon Uncle Abe. The "shoot" that

-      certain prominent Democrats gave indication of taking, by talking of

-      reconstruction and a Northwestern Republic, gave the new administration

-      some concern. Uncle Abe was very sociable with Logan, Mac, and a few of

-      their "ilk." So Uncle Abe not only extended to Mac the hospitalities of

-      the White House, but accompanied him on a visit to the arsenal. While

-      there, their attention was drawn to some muskets which the speculators had

-      furnished to Cameron, and which were thought (generally) very dangerous to

-      those who used them.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Mac caught up one, and sighted along the barrel.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Do that again, Mac," said Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Mac complied. Uncle Abe was evidently struck with an idea, and Mac was

-      anxious to know what it was like.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why, Mac," said Uncle Abe, "I was thinking if we could get all our

-      soldiers to make up that kind of a face, that the rebels couldn't stand it

-      a moment." Mac didn't relish Uncle Abe's joke, as he was hopefully in

-      pursuit of the third wife; but he put the best face he could upon the

-      matter, and remarked to Uncle Abe&mdash;

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Perhaps you'd better make me a Brigadier then!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "And why not?" asked Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Mac got his commission.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe Puzzled.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe was met one day near Springfield, by a conceited coxcomb, who

-      had built him a house at some distance, and invited him to dinner. Uncle

-      Abe did not much relish the Jackenape's acquaintance. In fact, as Justice

-      Shallow has it, had "written him down an Ass." However, Abe enquired very

-      minutely, where Snooks lived? "Thistle Grove," replied the verdant Snooks;

-      "but there's no grove now, and not a single thistle!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Eh, what!" cries Uncle Abe, "not a single thistle! Then what on airth do

-      you live on?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0030" id="link2H_4_0030"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe Divided on a Question.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      In 1840 or '41, Uncle Abo was a member of the Illinois Legislature. The

-      Capital had lately been removed from Vandalia to Springfield. The

-      Legislature met in the Presbyterian church.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      I have forgotten what measure was before the house; but it was one in

-      which there were many members who did not wish to commit themselves. Uncle

-      Abe was in this predicament. He sat near an open window, and when the

-      clerk, calling the ayes and nays had got down to L's, Uncle Abe thrust his

-      right leg out of the window, and was just drawing its long companion after

-      it, when an anti-dodging member "seeing the game," shut the sash down and

-      held Uncle Abe in a trap.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Lincoln," called out the Clerk.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Mr. Speaker," said Col. Thornton, "Mr. Lincoln is <i>divided</i> on this

-      question, and I move you that the sergeant at arms be sent to bring in

-      that part of him that is out of the window."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe was "<i>brought in</i>" amid a universal titter, to his evident

-      mortification.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      In 1840, the Union generally went for Harrison; but Illinois,

-      particularly, was democratic. When the Legislature met in the Fall of that

-      year, the Whig members tried to break up the <i>new</i> Session by

-      absenting themselves from voting to adjourn the old Session <i>sine die</i>,

-      so that they could Constitutionally meet the next Wednesday morning; the

-      State Constitution requiring the Legislature to meet "the first Monday in

-      December next, ensuing the election of members." After the breaking up of

-      the morning Session, the Sergeant-at-arms hunted up the delinquent Whigs,

-      and at 3 o'clock there was a quorum obtained, and the doors locked. The

-      Springfield <i>Register</i> of Dec. 11, 1840, mentions this matter, but

-      thinks Uncle Abe "come off without damage, as it was noticed that his legs

-      reached nearly from the window to the ground!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      A proposition was afterwards humorously proposed, to add another story to

-      the new State House, so that fugacious members would have to go down the

-      water spouts if they ran!

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0031" id="link2H_4_0031"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Tried for Scaring the Girls.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Thirty years ago, when Springfield was blooming into the dignity of its

-      Capitalive position, the American House was its great hotel, (and it isn't

-      its smallest yet,) and the resort of those who loved to spend a few hours

-      in the society of the <i>bon vivants</i> who then assembled&mdash;Lincoln,

-      Douglas, Shields, Ferguson, Herndon, (then a young man, but since the law

-      partner of Uncle Abe,) and many others "not unknown to fame," could almost

-      always be found here during the evening.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      One evening as they were sitting in free converse in the bar-room, one of

-      the chamber maids came in and informed the landlord that a man was under

-      her bed.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      It seems while stooping down to untie her gaiters, she saw a man under the

-      bed. With rare presence of mind, she excused herself to her fellow servant

-      as having forgotten some duty, and reported her discovery to the landlord.

-      Boniface at once called for volunteers to secure the interloper. So eager

-      were they for fun, that all volunteered. They surprised and captured the

-      man, and brought him down to the bar-room; but what to do with him? was

-      the next question. Springfield then had no vagabonds who made fees out of

-      misfortunes&mdash;i.e. policemen&mdash;and it was determined to treat him

-      with the prompt justice peculiar to that era. A court was therefore got

-      together at once, all expectant of fun but the unfortunate culprit.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Judge Thomas Brown was decided upon to act as Judge; Melborn, the

-      talented, but eccentric State Attorney, was detailed to prosecute; and

-      Lincoln and Douglas to defend the prisoner. Dr. Wallace acted as Sheriff,

-      and upon the jury were Dr. Merriman, * Gen. Shields, John Calhoun (of

-      Lecompton memory,) Uri Manly, and many other well known personages.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Lawborn, though a regularly-educated and talented lawyer, took occasion

-      not only to be as "funny as he could," but to imitate the prevailing style

-      of oratory too common in Illinois&mdash;a style in which the

-      Hard-shell-Baptist devil mingled with the rough dialect of the

-      back-woodsman.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "<i>May it please your Honor, and you, gentlemen of the Jury</i>: The

-      Legislature of Illinois, though it has legislated upon every subject it

-      could think of, has omitted to pass any act against a man being born as

-      ugly as he pleases. If such an idea ever occurred to my friend Lincoln

-      here, when in the Legislature, I know he would at once dismiss it, not

-      only as too personal, but as repugnant to his honest heart. As for myself,

-      I like ugly men. An ugly man stands up on his own merits. Nature has done

-      nothing for him, and he feels that he must labor to supply the deficit by

-      amiability and good conduct generally. There is not an ugly man in this

-      room but has felt this. A pretty man, on the contrary, trusts his face to

-      supply head, heart and everything. He is an anomaly in nature, as though

-      the productions had been at fault as to sex, and sought to correct it when

-      too late. They are girl's first loves, and doting husband's jealous bane.

-      I confess I don't like pretty men half so well as I do pretty women.

-    </p>

-<pre xml:space="preserve">

-     * Afterward murdered and robbed on the Pacific.

-</pre>

-    <p>

-      "No, gentlemen, ugliness is nothing. It is manners that is everything. The

-      ugliest man that ever lived, never intentionally frightened a woman&mdash;nay,

-      never was so unfortunate as to do so. But this creature, gentlemen of the

-      Jury, this mendacious wretch whom you set in judgment upon&mdash;this

-      creature, who would doubtless enter for a prize of beauty at a vanity fair&mdash;how

-      has he failed in his duty to society? Why, gentlemen, by crawling under

-      the bed upon which two fair damsels were about to expose their loveliness

-      to Diana's envious gaze. Did he wish to woo them? Petruche's was rough in

-      his wooing&mdash;this man was mean! Woman loves not surprises. Their

-      hearts are fond of open sieges. This is the case of all women-kind. Maugre

-      the slander of Hudibras:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br />

-    </p>

-    <p class="indent10">

-      "He that woos a maid,

-    </p>

-    <p class="indent10">

-      Must lie, love, and flatter."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br />

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "It is a <i>mystery</i> that adds to beauty, and the woman who surrenders

-      that to importunity or surprise, has lost half her vantage ground. The

-      story of Guyges and Candaules' queen, if not paralleled here, is not

-      without its moral. What else meant this wretch, gentlemen of the Jury, but

-      to surprise these charming damsels when only armed with the light shield

-      that the Huntress and the cotton plant throws over earthly beauty? Or,

-      perhaps he meant more&mdash;his own guilty heart can only accuse him

-      there.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Gentlemen of the Jury, the failure of our Legislature to provide a

-      specific punishment for such miscreants, as this&mdash;lecherous

-      creatures, who steal upon woman amid the mysteries of the bed-room&mdash;is

-      no reason why society should fold its arms and leave woman's hidden

-      beauties to be anatomized by guilty eyes. No, gentlemen of the Jury,

-      outraged decency cries for its victim, and here he tremblingly, guiltily

-      stands.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Gentlemen of the Jury, where are the spirits of the fathers of the

-      Constitution? Are they not hovering over us in the air of the still summer

-      day? Are they not wailing upon the winds that sweep over our prairies? Are

-      they not heard in the sigh of the mountain pine? Are they not abroad in

-      all lands, whispering to earth's downtrodden millions like a voice of

-      hope? Yes, gentlemen of the Jury! and where was this creature then? Why,

-      creeping under the bed of two girls, hazzarding the chance of overturning&mdash;well,

-      it matters not."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      &mdash;And much more, in a view that needed to be heard to be appreciated.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Lincoln followed, illustrating with anecdotes meet for the place and

-      occasion, of which I recollect only the opening. "Gentlemen of the Jury,"

-      said he, "the remarks of my friend Lawborn about ugly men, comes home to

-      my bosom like the sweet oders of a rose to its neighboring great sister,

-      the cabbage. It was a grateful, a just tribute to that neglected class of

-      the community&mdash;ugly men, I wish to say something for my client,

-      although it must in candor be admitted, that he had 'gone to pot.' I don't

-      see why we should throw the kettle after him; he may be the victim of

-      circumstances; he looks very bashful now, and it may be the girls scared

-      him; who knows? At least I claim for him the benefit of a doubt.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why, gentlemen, many of us have, or might have suffered from a

-      concatenation of circumstances as strong as that under which my client

-      labors. Let me relate a little personal anecdote in illustration. When I

-      was making the secret canvass of this country, with my friend Cartwright,

-      the Pioneer Preacher, we chanced to stop at the house of one of our old

-      Kentucky farmers, whose log-cabin parlor, kitchen and hall were blended in

-      one, and only separated at night by sundry blankets hung up between the

-      beds. As we were candidates for the august Legislature of Illinois, our

-      host treated us with the privacy of a blanket room. During the night I was

-      awakened by some one throwing their leg over me with some force. I thought

-      it was neighbor Cartright, and took hold of it to give it a toss back; but

-      it didn't feel like one of his white oak legs, and while I was feeling it

-      to ascertain the correctness of my half-awake doubts, a stifled scream

-      thoroughly awakened me, and the leg was withdrawn. Why, gentlemen, would

-      you believe me? It was the leg of our host's daughter! Imagine my position

-      if you can! What an <i>apparent</i> breach of hospitality! While I was

-      imagining an excuse for my conduct, the 'old folks' struck a light, and

-      the blanket between our bed and that of the buxom damsel, was discovered

-      to have been pulled down! More damning proof, thought I. I feigned sleep,

-      but kept one corner of my left eye open for observation. The blanket was

-      soon fixed up, and I was greatly relieved to hear the damsel explain to

-      her mother that she herself had invaded our bed while dreaming, caused by

-      some un-digestable vegetables she had eaten for her supper. Our host was

-      serene and affable in the morning, and I had no need to apologize; but,

-      gentlemen, imagine what an escape I had, and have mercy on my client."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe made a side splitting speech all through, and Douglas followed

-      with a "constitutional" argument.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The Jury returned a verdict of "guilty of scaring the girls," and the

-      Judge sentenced the culprit to be whipped in the back yard, by the girls

-      he had scared.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Dr. Wallace, the acting Sheriff, (no, a paymaster in the army,) went out

-      and bought a cow hide, and the fellow was soon tied up to a post, and the

-      girls made per force to give him thirty-nine well laid on.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The whole affair was a rich evening's divertisement, and cost nothing more

-      than a few lost vest buttons and strained button holes.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      It is needless to say that the fellow became a <i>non est</i> man from

-      that day thenceforth.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0032" id="link2H_4_0032"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      "Thank God for the Sassengers."

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Most of the readers of this have perhaps read a good story of Oliver

-      Ditson, the celebrated Boston Music publisher. After he had been in

-      business several years, his New Hampshire friends invited him to open his

-      Thanksgiving in his native town, he accepted the invitation and started

-      with some of his friends. On the way Ditson was the great man of the

-      occasion, and was therefore placed at the head of the table, when it

-      devolved upon him to ask the blessing. Now Oliver practiced more religion

-      than he knew the exact forms for, and he was in a sad dilemma; but he

-      essayed boldly the task. He thanked God for all the 'creature comforts'

-      there were upon the table&mdash;for all there ever had been&mdash;for all

-      that was expected. But how to quit? He went on, thanking and trying to

-      think at the same time how 'blessings' ended, but to no purpose. Knives

-      rattled, plates moved, and Oliver saw the hungry people were getting

-      impatient, and he came to the end in a real business like style, with&mdash;"Yours,

-      respectfully, OLIVER DITSON."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Almost as good an anecdote is told by Uncle Abe of one of his old friends,

-      a Mr. Sawyer, who merchandized either in Macon or Champaign County.

-      Sawyer, was a Yankee, and distinguished for little besides an immoderate

-      liking for "sassingers," as he called that "linked sweetness" which polite

-      people call sausages. When Uncle Abe was stumping the Sangamon District

-      for Congress, it befell that he and Sawyer met at the same country hotel,

-      which was kept by a hardshell Baptist, whose foible was long prayers and

-      blessings at table. They&mdash;Lincoln and Sawyer&mdash;happened to be

-      going to the same town by the same coaches. So they were up betimes and

-      ready, but breakfast was delayed. They at last got to the table, and the

-      Deacon was just closing his eyes preliminary to the blessing, when the

-      stage horn blew.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Bless me, Deacon, there's the stage ready," cried the Sawyer; "thank God

-      for the sassengers, and let us fall too."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      I hardly need say the Deacon's blessing&mdash;and perhaps his breakfast

-      were spoiled. But Sawyer had his "sassengers."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0033" id="link2H_4_0033"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Was'nt Murder After All.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      When the present State House of Illinois, was being built&mdash;and it's a

-      passable edifice, baring it is too low in the ground, and the <i>summer

-      house</i> up on its top is too low to catch the cool breezes&mdash;it

-      chanced that among the workmen engaged upon it was a New Yorker named

-      Johnson. This man had a sovereign contempt for most of the shinplasters

-      then circulating in Illinois; nor was he much amiss in this, for if it was

-      now in existence, it would be exchangable at par with Jeff Davis'

-      shinplasters. But through the instrumentality of Col. Thornton's

-      negotiations in New York with McAlister of Stebbins, (a claim, by the way,

-      that has never been settled but came near <i>settling</i> the State <i>a

-      la</i> Mattoon,) a large amount of the bills of the New York <i>Metropolitan

-      Bank</i> were put into circulation about Springfield. For this currency

-      Johnson conceived so great a partiality that the passion of avarice soon

-      turned it into a mania. He bought all these notes his means permitted, and

-      stored them away about his person with miserly care.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      One Sunday Johnson was invited to ride out to the Cut off by a man (Smith

-      for the nonce) and accepted. They did'nt stop at the Cut-off, but went

-      direct to Sangamon River. Here, they were overheard quarrelling.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Smith came home without Johnson, who was soon missed, and as he was known

-      to have gone away with Smith, that individual was soon put in that log

-      building still standing (it did in '62) back of Carrigan's Hotel, and

-      which has since served as a hen house etc. (Why don't Butler take a

-      picture of it, to show the "rising generation" what a small house used to

-      hold all the <i>known or taken</i> rogues of old Sangamon?)

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The examination of Smith, did not take place until the river bank had been

-      examined. There were signs of a struggle on the bank, and to the water's

-      edge, which gave force to the evidence of the man who heard them in

-      dispute, and all felt convinced that Johnson had been murdered. Although a

-      careful examination and dredging of the river failed to produce the body,

-      Smith was committed for trial.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe was engaged as counsel for Johnson, but had little hopes of

-      being of any earthly aid to him.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      At last the day of trial came, and the prisoner plead "not guilty."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      I think it was Melborn who was the prosecuting Attorney; before the

-      prosecution had opened the case Uncle Abe rose and said:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "May it please the Court, I have a motion to make before the prosecution

-      opens; and as it may save the Court some unnecessary labor, I hope it will

-      be entertained. <i>I move that the indictment be quashed and the prisoner

-      discharged!</i>"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The astonishment of the crowded Court room was immense, shared alike by

-      Judge, bar and spectators. As soon as the Judge recovered his equanimity

-      he asked:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Upon what grounds is so extraordinary a motion made?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why the man Johnson, was not murdered at all, and I have the pleasure of

-      introducing <i>him to the presence of the Court</i>."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Johnson was led forward. Hundreds recognized him immediately, The

-      excitement was so great that the Judge adjourned the Court.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      It seems that the parties had quarreled, Johnson had been pushed into the

-      river, but had got out and wandered off in a state of partial aberation of

-      mind and had been working on a farm. His passion for Metropolitan Bank

-      Notes and his name suggested an idea that he was the missing man, and he

-      was opportunely produced in time to save a man from being hung.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0034" id="link2H_4_0034"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Joe Reed's Mule Hunt.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      One of the best natured fellows in the world, when he is not mad, is Joe

-      Reed, of Logan County, Illinois, Joe is a staunch Republican&mdash;a real

-      rip-rarer in the cause, and has given Uncle Abe the lift of a mighty broad

-      pair of shoulders more than once, although at first he had a poor opinion

-      of the rail-splitter. Thereby hangs a tale.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      In 18&mdash;, (the date is forgotten on account of the coldness of the

-      weather that winter,) Joe lost a couple of mules. After they had been gone

-      for a long time, he chanced to hear of them in a settlement somewhere

-      within the present bounds of Macon County. Illinois. At the first

-      opportunity Joe started on a mule hunt, determined to find either the

-      mules or some <i>trace</i> of them. On reaching the neighborhood in

-      question, Joe was satisfied that an old fellow named Bosby Sheel, had his

-      mules; and when he went in person, and saw them, the assurance of his eyes

-      made "assurance double sure." He at once made claim, but the old fellow

-      had heard that possession was nine points of the law&mdash;he declined to

-      surrender them; Joe immediately appealed to old Squire P&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;,

-      who at once summoned the holder of the mules to his Court. The Squire

-      informed Joe that he would have to prove property; but Joe said he would

-      only have to swear to his property. In this dilemma, the Squire adjourned

-      Court till after dinner and remarked to Joe that he had better get a

-      lawyer.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "There is young Abe Lincoln, he don't live far from here, and he'll be at

-      my house after dinner."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      As he was the only lawyer immediately thereabouts, Joe thought he had best

-      employ him, in order to "have the law on his side."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Soon after dinner a stranger arrived, and the Justice (who was landlord of

-      the only hotel in the settlement,) whispered to Joe, that that was the

-      lawyer.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "What!" exclaimed Joe, "that lean, lank gawky? Why, I'll bet both of them

-      mules I know more law nor he does, for I'm a 'Squire at home myself&mdash;I

-      am."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But his looks is mighty deceivin', I tell you," said Boniface. "He's gin

-      out to be one of the piertest young fellows short o' Sangamon."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      But Joe was decided, and the 'Squire re-convened his Court, he having the

-      meantime laid the case before his young friend, the lawyer, and got his

-      opinion.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Acting his own lawyer, Joe felt it due to his course to give a concise

-      statement of the law. As he stood up, he still continued to read from a

-      green-covered book that had engaged his attention most of the day It was

-      one of Cooper's latest novels. As Joe gave his version of the law, it

-      seemed to 'Squire P&mdash;&mdash;&mdash; that he was <i>reading</i> the

-      law.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Is that really the law?" said he, as Joe finished his version of the law&mdash;not

-      the book. "Let me see that book."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Joe mechanically handed it to him.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      After pouring over it for some time, he handed it back, with an air of

-      disappointment, remarking:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Drat me! if I see any sich law in that book."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, it ain't no wonder ye don't&mdash;that's the <i>Red Rover</i>, a

-      novel and not a law book, and you've been and lost my place too," Joe

-      found his place, and continued: "what I told you is what the law says, and

-      I know it's so."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, as you're a 'Squire, too, I reckon you ought to know. As the mules

-      don't belong to old man Bosby Sheel and you swear they are you'rn, I hold

-      he's bound to give'em up."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Joe rallied the old Squire rather hard about looking over the <i>Red Rover</i>

-      for extra law, but finally "give a treat" and left the Squire and his

-      friend in the best of humors.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Said Uncle Abe when he had the small-pox, "I now can give something to

-      every one who calls."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0035" id="link2H_4_0035"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Has no Influence with the Administration.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Judge Baldwin, an old and highly respectable and sedate gentleman, called

-      a few days since on Gen. Halleck, and presuming upon a familiar

-      acquaintance in California formerly, solicited a pass outside of our

-      lines, to see a brother in Virginia, not thinking that he would be met

-      with a refusal, as both his brother and himself were good Union men.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "We have been deceived too often," said General Halleck, "and I regret I

-      can't grant it."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Judge B. then went to Stanton, and was very briefly disposed of with the

-      same result. Finally he obtained an interview with Uncle Abe, and stated

-      his case.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Have you applied to Gen. Halleck?" inquired the President.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "And met with a flat refusal," said Judge B.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Then you must see Stanton," continued Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I have, and with the same result," was the reply.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, then," said Uncle Abe, with a smile of good humor, "I can do

-      nothing; for you must know <i>that I have very little influence with this

-      Administration</i>."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0036" id="link2H_4_0036"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Touching Incident.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      The following incident, which occurred at the White House, will appeal to

-      every heart. It reveals unmistakably the deep kindness of Uncle Abe's

-      character:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "At a reception recently at the White House, many persons present noticed

-      three little girls poorly dressed, the children of some mechanic or

-      laboring man, who had followed the visitors into the house to gratify

-      their curiosity. They were passed from room to room, and were passing

-      through the reception room with some trepidation, when Uncle Abe, called

-      to them: 'Little girls, are you going to pass me without shaking hands?'

-      Then he bent his tall, awkward form down, and shook each little girl

-      warmly by the hand. Everybody in the apartment was spellbound by the

-      incident, so simple in itself, yet revealing so much of Uncle Abe's

-      character."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0037" id="link2H_4_0037"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Lincoln Man Ducked.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      During the canvass between Uncle Abe, and Peter Cartright, the celebrated

-      Pioneer Preacher, it chanced that Cartright, was returning to his home

-      from the Williamsville and Wiggins Lane settlement. The nearest crossing

-      of the Sangamon was at Carpenter's Mills, where there was the convenience

-      of a ferry instead of a bridge, as is now the case. Upon the hill on the

-      western side of the river, Cartright saw a man elevated upon a barrel in

-      front of a little grocery&mdash;and on nearing him, he discovered that he

-      was giving the Democrats in general, and Uncle Peter Cartright in

-      particular, a perfect fusilade of small shots of slang and abuse.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I tell you, boys, I'm a Whig,&mdash;a real Harrison Tippacanoe and Tyler

-      too, Whig," said he. "I'm for putting down all these cuss'd locofocos, and

-      if we can't vote'em down, why I go for lickin'em' down. There's long Abe

-      Lincoln that's runnin' for the Legislature&mdash;he's the chap to vote

-      for. He's one of the people&mdash;split rails and got his edycation by

-      moonlight. He don't go round the country prayin' and preachin' like that

-      mean Methodist cuss, Peter Cartright, that's runnin' agin him. I'd like to

-      know what we wants of a parson to make laws for us? Just elect him, and

-      fust you know he'll have a bill into the Legislature, to fine us for not

-      goin' to meetin' or for drinkin' a glass of whisky. I'll tell you what, if

-      he ever comes round here, I'll just pass him inter the Sangamon&mdash;certain&mdash;sure."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Just here Uncle Peter Cartright enquired for "the ferryman.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I'm the ferry-man, old hoss," sung out the rustic orator, "and ken put ye

-      cross the river in no time." Uncle Peter signified his desire to cross,

-      and the twain started towards the ferry boat. The Preacher stepping into

-      the boat, hitched his horse to the side, while the ferryman shoved out

-      into the stream.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "So you are a Lincoln man?" queried Uncle Peter. "I'm that hoss."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "And so I presume you would douse a Cartright man if you had a chance?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I mought do it stranger."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Certainly you would douse Mr. Cartright?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Sure's winkin', old fellow."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well Sir, I am Peter Cartright at your service," and before the ferryman

-      recovered from his surprise Uncle Peter pitched him into the river, took

-      the pole and put himself across the river.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The ferryman did'nt vote for Uncle Peter but he altered his opinion of

-      Methodist preachers in general and Uncle Peter in particular.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0038" id="link2H_4_0038"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Comparison.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      One day as Uncle Abe, and a friend were sitting on the House of

-      Representatives steps, the session closed, and the members filed out in a

-      body. Uncle Abe looked after them with a serious smile. "That reminds me,"

-      said he, "of a little incident when I was a boy; my flat boat lay up at

-      Alton on the Mississippi, for a day, and I strolled about the town. I saw

-      a large stone building, with massive stone walls, not so handsome though,

-      as this, and while I was looking at it, the iron gateway opened, and a

-      great body of men came out. 'What do you call that?' I asked a bystander.

-      'That,' said he, 'is the State Prison, and those are all thieves going

-      home. Their time is up.'"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0039" id="link2H_4_0039"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      "There's Enough for All."

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe was terribly bored by the office seekers, even before the

-      Presidential house-warming had scarcely began. The Illinois politicians

-      were the most ravenous pap-Suckers of all.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Just wait a little," said Uncle Abe, "I can assure you, as L&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;d

-      S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;t did the swine, 'there's enough for all.'"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Let us have the story, Uncle Abe," said one of the crowd, who evidently

-      expected something rich.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why, you see," began Uncle Abe, "I attended court many years ago at Mt.

-      Pulaski, the first county seat of Logan County, and there was the jolliest

-      set of rollicking young Lawyers there that you ever saw together. There

-      was Bill F&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n, Bill H&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n, L&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;d

-      S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;t, and a lot more, and they mixed law and Latin,

-      water and whisky, with equal success. It so fell out that the whisky

-      seemed to be possessed of the very spirit of Jonah. At any rate, S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;t

-      went out to the hog-pen, and, leaning over, began to 'throw up Jonah.' The

-      hogs evidently thought it feed time, for they rushed forward and began to

-      squabble over the voided matter.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "'Don't fight (hic),' said S&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;t: 'there's enough (hic)

-      for all.'"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      &mdash;The politicians couldn't see anything to laugh at, although the

-      "snubbin" was plain enough.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0040" id="link2H_4_0040"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Making a President.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe, in elucidating his estimate of Presidential honors, tells a

-      clever story, as he always does, when he sets about it. It seems that

-      Windy Billy, who is a politician of no ordinary pretensions, was a

-      candidate for the Consulship of Bayonne, and he urged his appointment with

-      the eloquence of a Clay or a Seward. He boasted vociferously of his

-      activity in promoting the success of the Republican ticket, and averred

-      with his impassioned earnestness that he and he alone had made Uncle Abe

-      President.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Ah!" exclaimed Uncle Abe, "and it was you who made me President, was it?"

-      a twinkle in his eye all the time.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes," said Billy, rubbing his hands and throwing out his chest, as a

-      baggage-master would a small valise, "yes, I think I may say I am the man

-      who made you President."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, Billy, my boy, if that's the case, it's a h&mdash;ll of a muss you

-      got me into, that's all."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0041" id="link2H_4_0041"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe Boss of the Cabinet.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      A prominent Senator was remonstrating with Uncle Abe a few days ago about

-      keeping Mr. Chase in his Cabinet, when it was as well known that Mr. C. is

-      opposed, tooth and nail, to Uncle Abe's re-election.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Now, see here," said Uncle Abe, "when I was elected I resolved to hire my

-      four Presidential rivals, pay them their wages and be their 'boss.' These

-      were Seward, Chase, Cameron and Bates; but I got rid of Cameron after he

-      had played himself out. As to discharging Chase or Seward, don't talk of

-      it. I pay them their wages and am their boss, and would'nt let either of

-      them out on the loose for the fee simple of the Almaden patent."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0042" id="link2H_4_0042"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Peter Cartright's Wonder.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Some of the farmers in and about Saggamon county, Illinois, have been and

-      still are so intent on cattle-raising, that the business is a sort of

-      cattle-mania. Uncle Peter was one Sunday preaching near a good old deacon

-      of this sort, whose piety was somewhat like that of a card-playing lady

-      mentioned by Addison, (Spectator No. 7,) who had a set hour for her

-      devotions, and if she happened to be at a game, would get a friend to

-      "hold her hand" while she said her prayers. Our worthy deacon was rather

-      vain of his "gift" praying and saying "blessings" at table. As a matter of

-      courtesy, he might occasionally ask a visiting preacher to pray or ask a

-      blessing; but he never failed to exhibit his "gift" to his visitors. He

-      had a singsong way of "getting it off," at the same time beating time with

-      his hands on either side of his plate. On the occasion alluded to, he

-      began&mdash;"Oh Lord! (thump) bless the creature comforts (thump) provided

-      for our (thump) sustenance (thump.) Bless it (thump) to our needs (thump)

-      and necessities, (thump). Lead us aright, (thump) but if we stray (thump)

-      put us back (thump) into the right path, (thump). Bless the stranger

-      (thump) that comes beneath our roof, (thump) and keep his feet (thump) in

-      pleasant paths, (thump). What we ask (thump) amiss, (thump) withhold;

-      (thump) but grant us what our (thump) short-sightedness omits, (thump) and

-      thine be the glory (thump) now and for ever, (thump) a&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      And here the old deacon stopped suddenly, opened his eyes, and looking

-      across the table, asked:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Son John, did Mr. Jones settle yet for that Durham cow?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes, father&mdash;it's all right."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Amen," concluded the deacon.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Cattle! cattle!" exclaimed Uncle Peter in ill-concealed disgust.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why, you can't say your prayers without having cattle running through

-      your head; I wonder the Lord don't turn such Christians into cattle!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0043" id="link2H_4_0043"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe a Shaksperian.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      When Uncle Abe was making a plea in one of the county Circuit Courts, not

-      far from Springfield, one of the lawyers becoming sensible that he was

-      being out-generaled, remarked to Uncle Abe, as he sat down&mdash;

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I smell a mice."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why don't you quote Shakspeare correctly?" said Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why," said the other, "I was not aware that I Was quoting Shakspeare at

-      all."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Certainly you were, and had you done it properly, it would have been more

-      expressive and less vulgar. The correct expression is, 'I smell a

-      device.'"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0044" id="link2H_4_0044"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      The Running Sickness.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      In the Black Hawk war, Uncle Abe belonged to a militia company in the

-      service. On a scout, the company encountered the Indians, and in a brisk

-      skirmish drove them some miles, when, night coming on, our forces

-      encamped. Great was the consternation on discovering that Lincoln was

-      missing. His absence or rather his stories, from the bivouac, was a

-      misfortune. Suddenly, however, he came into camp. "Maj. Abe, is that you?

-      Thought you were killed. Where've you been?" were the startling

-      speculations. "Yes," said Uncle Abe, "this is me&mdash;ain't killed

-      either."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But where have you been all the time?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh, just over there."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But what were you over there for? Didn't run away, did you?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "No," said he deliberately, "I don't think I run away; but, after all, I

-      reckon if anybody had seen me going, and had been told I was going for a

-      doctor, he would have thought somebody was almighty sick."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0045" id="link2H_4_0045"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      How to Get Rid of Rats.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      So thick had the rats become in Logan County, a few years ago, that the

-      means of getting rid of the nuisance was freely discussed. The newly

-      organized Agricultural Society, finally concluded to offer three premiums

-      for the then largest numbers. The man who took the largest prize,

-      exhibited over 1,700 scalps all caught in the space of three weeks. At the

-      time these prizes were pending, Uncle Abe attended Court there, and Col. L&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n,

-      (a considerable gourmand,) by the way, was discussing the best way to get

-      rid of the rats, and finally asked Uncle Abe's opinion.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why," said Uncle Abe, "rats are a 'cunning cattle,' and soon find out how

-      things are going. I introduce them to your table as a delicacy, and when

-      they find out you are making 'game' of them they will soon give you a wide

-      berth."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The Colonel winced under a faint impression; but silently ratified Uncle

-      Abe's conclusions. "Yes," chimed in M&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;, "we might go

-      so far as to use their pelts to ornament our winter clothing."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0046" id="link2H_4_0046"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Palpable Application

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      On a late occasion, when the White House was open to the public, a farmer

-      from one of the border counties of Virginia told Uncle Abe that the Union

-      soldiers, in passing his farm, had helped themselves not only to hay, but

-      his horses, and he hoped the President would urge the proper officer to

-      consider his claim immediately. "Why, my dear sir," replied Uncle Abe,

-      blandly, "I couldn't think of such a thing. If I considered individual

-      cases, I should find work for twenty Presidents!" Bowie urged his needs

-      persistently; Uncle Abe declined good-naturedly. "But," said the

-      persevering sufferer, "couldn't you just give me a line to Colonel &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;-

-      about it? just one line?" "Ha, ha, ha!" responded amiable Uncle Abe,

-      shaking himself fervently, and crossing his legs the other way, "that

-      reminds me of old Jack Chase out in Illinois." At this the crowd huddled

-      forward to listen. "You have seen Jack&mdash;I knew him like a brother&mdash;used

-      to be a lumberman on the Illinois, and he was steady and sober, and the

-      best raftsman on the river. It was quite a trick twenty-five years ago to

-      take the logs over the rapids, but he was skillful, with a raft, and

-      always kept her straight in the channel. Finally a steamboat was put on,

-      and Jack&mdash;he's dead now, poor fellow!&mdash;was made captain of her.

-      He used to take the wheel going through the rapids. One day, when the boat

-      was plunging and wallowing along the boiling current, and Jack's utmost

-      vigilance was exercised to keep her in the narrow channel, a boy pulled

-      his coat tail, and hailed him with, 'Sir, Mister Captain! I wish you'd

-      just stop your boat a minute&mdash;I've lost my apple overboard!'"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0047" id="link2H_4_0047"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe on the Whisky Question.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      A committee, just previous to the fall of Vicksburg, solicitous for the <i>morale</i>

-      of our armies, took it upon themselves to visit the President and urge the

-      removal of General Grant. .

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "What for?" asked Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why," replied the busy-bodies, "he drinks too much whisky."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Ah!" rejoined Uncle Abe, "can you inform me gentlemen, where General

-      Grant procures his whisky?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The committee confessed they could not.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Because," added Uncle Abe, with a merry twinkle in his eye, "If I can

-      find out, I'll send a barrel of it to every General in the field!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The delegation retired in reasonable good order.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0048" id="link2H_4_0048"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Edwards vs. Lincoln.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      One day soon after Uncle Abe began the canvass with Judge Douglas for the

-      United States Senate, Lincoln, an Editor, accosted Nivian W. Edwards,

-      (Uncle Abe's brother-in-law,) as Mr. Lincoln himself.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well," said Edwards, "I think I must be growing taller and uglier every

-      day, for this is the sixth time I've been taken for Abe within a week."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Notwithstanding Edwards was a Democrat and a joker, Uncle Abe made him a

-      commissary in the army.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0049" id="link2H_4_0049"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Metalic Ring.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      The new practical postal currency have upon the face, a faint oval ring of

-      bronze, encircling the vignette. Uncle Abe being asked its use, replied

-      that it was a faint attempt on the part of Mr. Chase, to give the new

-      currency a metalic ring.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0050" id="link2H_4_0050"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Grateful Postmaster.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Said a long legged hoosier, on receiving the appointment of Postmaster, in

-      Sangamon County, "I tell you Uncle Abe, you're a hoss," "yes replied Uncle

-      Abe, a <i>draft</i> horse."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0051" id="link2H_4_0051"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Serious Joke.

-    </h2>

-    <h3>

-      Washington, February 18, 1864

-    </h3>

-    <p>

-      To Wm. Fishback

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      When I fixed a <i>plan</i> for an election in Arkansas I did it in

-      ignorance that your convention was at the same work. Since I learned the

-      latter fact I have been constantly trying to yield my <i>plan</i> to

-      theirs. I have sent two letters to General Steel, and three or four

-      dispatches to you and others, saying that (General Steel,) must be master,

-      but that it will probably be best for him to keep the convention on its

-      own <i>plan</i>. Some single mind must be master, else there will be no

-      agreement on any thing; and General Steel, commanding the military, and

-      being on the ground, is the best man to be that master. Even now citizens

-      are telegraphing me to postpone the election to a later day than either

-      fixed by the Convention or me This discord must be silenced.

-    </p>

-    <h3>

-      A. LINCOLN.

-    </h3>

-    <p>

-      A young Massachusetts soldier, named Merrill, writes a Washington

-      correspondent, had on ounce ball pass through his head during the battle

-      of Fredericksburg. It entered near his right eye and was extracted behind

-      his left ear. Another ball would have entered a vital part of his body had

-      it not been arrested by a Testament, in which it lodged. When this

-      safeguard was shown to Uncle Abe, he sent to the hospital a handsome

-      pocket Bible, in which was written: "Charles V. Merrill, Co. A. 19th

-      Massachusetts, from A. Lincoln."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Major-General Grant,&mdash;Understanding that your lodgment at

-      Chattanooga and Knoxville is now secure I wish to tender you, and all

-      under your command, my more than thanks&mdash;my profoundest gratitude&mdash;for

-      the skill, courage, and perseverence with which you and they, over so

-      great difficulties, have effected that important object. God bless you

-      all!

-    </p>

-    <h3>

-      "A. LINCOLN."

-    </h3>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0052" id="link2H_4_0052"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Fix the Date.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe, was conversing with some friends and remarked, "There's a good

-      Time coming," a countryman stepped up to Uncle Abe, and said: "Mister, you

-      could'nt fix to date, could yous?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0053" id="link2H_4_0053"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Rival of Uncle Abe.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Old Abe has got off many good things since he left Springfield, but the

-      following equals anything which has proceeded from that veteran joker.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "In the Georgia Legislature, Mr. Linton Stephens, brother of the rebel

-      Vice President, introduced a resolution in the House of Representatives

-      declaring that peace be officially offered to the enemy after every

-      Confederate victory."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0054" id="link2H_4_0054"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe's Estimate of the Senate.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe, says that in the Senate, he "owns nine of the Senators and

-      one-half of another."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Who owns the other half?" asked a gentleman to whom Uncle Abe was

-      speaking. "Henry Wilson of Massachusetts," replied the Chief Magistrate,

-      "Wilson is for me," says the President, "before breakfast; rather against

-      me while his digestion is going on after it; loves me like pie during the

-      hours which he spends visiting the various departments and asking for

-      places and patronage; and bitterly my enemy from seven every evening until

-      he goes to bed, drops asleep and commences snoring. Wilson is carrying

-      water on both shoulders but I guess he'll get a wetting and soil his

-      clothes before he gets through."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0055" id="link2H_4_0055"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      "Thought he Must be Good for Something."

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      An Illinois man who had known the "boy Mayor," John Hay, from boyhood, was

-      expressing to Uncle Abe, after the massacre at Olustee, some regret that

-      he should have supposed him capable of any military position.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "About Hay," said Uncle Abe, "the fact was, I was pretty much like Jim

-      Hawks, out in Illinois, who sold a dog to a hunting neighbor, as a

-      first-rate coon dog. A few days after, the fellow brought him back, saying

-      he 'wasn't worth a cuss for coons.' 'Well,' said Jim, I tried him for

-      everything else, and he wasn't worth a d&mdash;&mdash;n, and so I thought

-      he <i>must</i> be good for coons.'"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0056" id="link2H_4_0056"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Aptly Said.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      To a man who was condoling Uncle Abe on the disaster at Olustee, and

-      suggesting how it might have been prevented, he said:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Your remarks are well intended, doubtless; but they do little less than

-      aggravate a thing which I can't help thinking might have been helped. It

-      reminds me of a story that I read when I was a boy. An old fellow who had

-      clambered rather high into an apple tree, fell and broke his arm. A

-      sympathizing and philosophic neighbor, seeing his mishap, went to his aid.

-      'Ah,' said he, 'if you had followed my plan you would have escaped this.'

-      'Indeed, what is your plan?' enquired the groaning man. 'Why, never to let

-      go both hands, till you get one hold somewhere else.'"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The would-be Brigadier saw the point, and left.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I see you've got to the sticking point at last," as the Democrat remarked

-      to a slippery Republican, whose team had gone into the ground up to the

-      hub.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "They have gone up every Creek and Bayou where it was a little damp."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Linkums" Sold Cheap.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Daring the Presidential contest of 1860, there was an Italian artist of

-      plaster figures in Springfield, who supplied "leetel Linkums," as he

-      called his figures, faster than ever Uncle Abe did. He succeeded in

-      putting one of these Republican penates into every Republican house in

-      town, but they finally became a "drug" in the market. However, he kept his

-      "asking price" up; but his selling price was as various as his buyers, and

-      hard to deal with.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      One day, with a load of these upon his head, he entered a jeweller's shop,

-      and accosted the man behind the counter with&mdash; *

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "You buys'em leetel Linkums?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "No&mdash;don't want'em."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Sells'em cheap," persisted the Italian.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, how do you sell to-day?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Fifty cent piece."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I'll give you a dollar for the lot," said A&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;,

-      expecting to pose the Italian.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "You takes'em," greedily exclaimed the artist, and he left Mr. L. A. A&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;n

-      with a lot of plaster on hand which he had hard work to give away.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "There's an odor of nationality about those bills, said Secretary Chase,

-      showing a lot of the firstlings of his greenbacks to Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "A very good figure of speech," replied Uncle Abe, "but you must not get

-      too many under the public nostril, or your figure of speech will be an

-      odor of fact."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      April 1, 1862, greenbacks, 100. April 1, 1864, greenbacks, 55.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0057" id="link2H_4_0057"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe as a Pilot.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      The captain of one of the Mississippi river steamers one morning, while

-      his boat was lying at her moorings at New Orleans, waiting for the tardy

-      pilot, who, it appears, was a rather uncertain sort of fellow, saw a tall,

-      gaunt Sucker make his appearance before the captain's office, and sing out&mdash;

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Hello, cap'n! you don't want a pilot nor nothin' about this 'ere craft,

-      do ye?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "How do you know I don't?" responded the captain.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh, you don't understand; I axed you s'posin' you did?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Then, supposing I do, what of it?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well," said Uncle Abe, for it was he, "I reckon I know suthin' about that

-      ere sort o' business, provided you wanted a feller of jest about my size."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The captain gave him a scrutinising glance, and with an expression of

-      countenance which seemed to say, "I should pity the steamer that you

-      piloted," asked&mdash;

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Are you acquainted with the river, and do you know where the snags are?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well, ye-as," responded Uncle Abe rather hesitatingly, "I'm pretty well

-      acquainted with the river, but the snags, I don't know exactly so much

-      about them."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Don't know about the snags?" exclaimed the captain, contemptuously,

-      "don't know about the snags! You'd make a pretty pilot!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      At this Uncle Abe's countenance assumed anything but an angelic

-      expression, and with a darkened brow and a fiercely flashing eye, he drew

-      himself up to his full height, and indignantly roared back in a voice of

-      thunder:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "What do I want to know where the snags are for, old sea-hoss? I know

-      where they ain't, and there's where I do my sailing!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      It is sufficient to know that Uncle Abe was promptly engaged, and that the

-      captain takes pleasure in saying that he proved himself one of the best

-      pilots on the river.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      (Wonder if Uncle Abe has forgotten how to sail in clear water? A. A.)

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0058" id="link2H_4_0058"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe's Valentine.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe on the 14th of last February, received a valentine in the shape

-      of a picture of the American eagle, with a financial allusion. The bird of

-      freedom appeared to be engaged in picking up gold coin, while at the end

-      of the bird most remote from his head there was a pile of "green-backs,"

-      into which this coin seemed to have been mysteriously transmuted.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe, who takes such things philosophically, and always acknowledges

-      a palpable hit with grace and good natured cheerfulness, went to his

-      Secretary of the Treasury, to exhibit his bird, in order that the latter

-      might enjoy the joke with him. Mr. Chase, however, was not disposed to

-      take the matter in the same spirit Uncle Abe did; but appeared to be much

-      out of humor at this hieroglyphical attack upon his department of the

-      government. In tones in which there was evidently a slight admixture of

-      irritability, he remarked to Uncle Abe that he would like to know who had

-      made this unwarrantable attack upon his financial management of the

-      affairs of the nation&mdash;that he feared that some of his subordinates

-      had got up this libel upon him, and that he would give a hundred dollars

-      to know who had done it. Uncle Abe? whose question-asking proclivities are

-      well known, said that the offer seemed liberal; "but, Mr. Chase," said he,

-      "before I shall make up my mind on this subject, will you allow me to ask

-      you one question?" "Certainly," replied the Secretary. "I merely wanted to

-      understand," said Uncle Abe, "at which end of the bird you propose to

-      pay?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "'Et tu Brute?'" responded the head of the Treasury department. "If I am

-      thus to be made the subject of ridicule, I must renew my application to be

-      relieved from my duties as Secretary."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "O, never mind! never mind! Mr. Secretary," said Uncle Abe, "we can soon

-      remedy all these difficulties. All we have to do, after we have suppressed

-      this rebellion, is to turn the bird end for end, and let the gold and

-      'greenbacks' remain just as they are and all will come out right." The

-      Secretary, restored to good humor, agreed not to resign unless Seward did.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "That reminds me of a little story."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0059" id="link2H_4_0059"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      "My Mary Ann."

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Many months ago the post commander at Cairo was a certain West Point

-      colonel of a Northwestern regiment, noted for his soldierly qualities and

-      rigid discipline. One day he passed by the barracks and heard a group of

-      soldiers singing the well-known street piece, "My Mary Ann." An angry

-      shade crossed his brow, and he forthwith ordered the men to be placed in

-      the guard-house, where they remained all night The next morning he visited

-      them, when one ventured to ask the cause of their confinement.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Cause enough," said the rigid colonel; "you were singing a song in

-      derision of Mrs. Colonel B&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The men replied by roars of laughter, and it was some time before the

-      choler of the Colonel could be sufficiently subdued to understand that the

-      song was an old one, and sung by half the school-boys in the land, or the

-      risibles of the men be calmed down to learn that the colonel's wife

-      rejoiced in the name of "Mary Ann."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe made the Colonel a Brigadier the moment he heard this story.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0060" id="link2H_4_0060"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe's Honor.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      At one time Uncle Abe aspired to a position on the bench, and Mrs.

-      Lincoln, so as to be prepared for the event, practiced the habit of

-      calling her husband "his Honor," or "your Honor," as the case might be.

-      Uncle Abe never, however, succeeded to the dignity of the ermine; but

-      attending Circuit at Chicago, and stopping at the &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;

-      Hotel, Mrs. L. accompanied her husband, as was her custom. Uncle Abe had

-      donned a bran new pair of boots, which were anything but comfortable, and

-      almost as uncertain as a pair of skates to a learner on the keenest of

-      ice. Mrs. Lincoln was enjoying herself in the parlor in a chit-chat with a

-      number of other ladies, and putting on as many airs as her provincial

-      position in Springfield would admit, when a strange, rumbling sound

-      disturbed the pleasant company, who rushed out to learn what was the

-      matter. Lo and behold! there was Uncle Abe in the undignified predicament

-      of tumbling down stairs and bumping the end of his spine upon every step.

-      The new boots, or the swig of forty-rod which he had taken in his

-      bed-room, had proved traitor to him. Mrs. Lincoln was nearly non-plussed,

-      but exclaimed in a consoling voice, "Is your Honor hurt?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "No," said Uncle Abe, sitting gracefully on the carpet, with legs spread

-      out amidst the bevy of tittering damsels, and rubbing the seat of his

-      trowsers, "No, my honor is not hurt but my&mdash;my&mdash;my head is!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0061" id="link2H_4_0061"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      "Smoke That."

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      During the session of the Legislature of Illinois, in 1836-7, the Sangamon

-      County delegation of nine members, became known as the "Long Nine," from

-      the fact of their remarkable average height. In this delegation were Uncle

-      Abe, Gen. Baker, (killed at Bull's Bluff,) N. W. Edwards, (brother-in-law

-      of Uncle Abe, and now Captain commissary,) and some others of note in

-      their day. A law had passed the previous session to remove the capital

-      from Vandalia to Springfield, to be carried out as soon as a new capitol

-      could be built. In the meantime, Gen. W. L. D. Ewing, an influential

-      Egyptian member, made periodical efforts to repeal the law and keep the

-      capital at Vandalia. During the session of 1837, we had a regular tilt

-      with the "long nine," during which, whenever Uncle Abe or Gen. Baker made

-      a point, Ewing would be saluted with the cry "smoke that!" in allusion to

-      "long nines," a popular kind of cigars used at that day. This probably

-      gave rise to saying, "put that in your pipe and smoke it."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0062" id="link2H_4_0062"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Sufficient Reason.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Some one recently asked Uncle Abe why he didn't promote merit? "Because

-      merit never helped promote me," said our Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0063" id="link2H_4_0063"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      The Boy and the Bear.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      A committee of the enemies of Mr. Chase called on the President just after

-      the Pomroy circular was sent forth and advised him to purify his cabinet

-      and let Chase go. Old Abe replied that "it is not so easy a thing to let

-      Chase go. I am situated very much as the boy was who held the bear by the

-      hind legs. I will tell you how it was. There was a very vicious bear

-      which, after being some time chased by a couple of boys, turned upon his

-      pursuers. The boldest of the two ran up and caught the bear by the hind

-      legs, while the other climbed up into a little tree, and complacently

-      witnessed the conflict going on beneath, between the bear and his

-      companion. The tussel was a sharp one, and the boy, after becoming quite

-      exhausted, cried out in alarm, 'Bill, for God's sake come down and help me

-      let this darned bear go!' Now, gentlemen," said Mr. Lincoln, "you see what

-      a fix I am in&mdash;it may be dangerous to hold on to Chase, but it will

-      require more assistance than I see at present, to help me let him go."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0064" id="link2H_4_0064"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Too Deep.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      During the Black Hawk war, when the valiant Illinoisians were in hasty

-      retreat from what they thought certain scalping, and the roads exclusively

-      bad, in fact, unfathomable mud.&mdash;In this predicament, the corps in

-      which Uncle Abe was, became somewhat scattered, when the officer

-      commanding, called out to the men to form <i>two deep</i>. "Blast me!"

-      shouted Abe from a slough, in which he was nearly buried, "I am too deep

-      already; I am up to the neck."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0065" id="link2H_4_0065"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe's First Speech.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      When Uncle Abe first made his appearance in the Illinois House of

-      Representatives, and was desirous of delivering his sentiments on a

-      certain measure, he rose and began:&mdash;"Mr. Speaker, <i>I conceive</i>&mdash;&mdash;"

-      but could go no further. Thrice he repeated unsuccessfully the same

-      attempt; when Douglas, who had more confidence, and had been a year longer

-      in the House, completely dumbfounded Abe by saying: "Mr. Speaker, The

-      honorable gentleman has <i>conceived three times, and brought forth

-      nothing.</i>"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0066" id="link2H_4_0066"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Cute.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      One night Uncle Abe came wet and cold to a cross road tavern in Indiana,

-      and found the fire more thoroughly blockaded with Hoosiers than mother

-      Welles has been able to blockade the Southern Confederacy. Abe ordered the

-      landlord to carry his horse a peck of catfish. "He can't eat catfish,"

-      said Boniface. "Try him," said Abe, "there's nothing like trying." The

-      crowd all rushed after the landlord to see Abe's horse eat the peck of

-      catfish. "He won't eat them, as I told you," said the landlord, on

-      returning. "Then," coolly responded Uncle Abe, who had squatted on the

-      best seat, "bring them to me and I'll eat them myself."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0067" id="link2H_4_0067"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Abe's Spelling.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Being asked by a client in Springfield why he spelled so badly in his law

-      papers, Uncle Abe replied, "Because, the Suckers are so cussed mean they

-      won't pay for good spelling."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0068" id="link2H_4_0068"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Soldier's Theory of the War.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      The soldiers at Helena, in Arkansas, used to amuse the inhabitants of that

-      place, on their first arrival, by telling them yarns, of which the

-      following is a sample:

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Some time ago Jeff. Davis got tired of the war and invited President

-      Lincoln to meet him on neutral ground to discuss terms of peace. They met

-      accordingly, and after a talk, concluded to settle the war by dividing the

-      territory and stopping the fighting. The North took the Northern States,

-      and the South the Gulf and seaboard Southern States. Lincoln took Texas

-      and Missouri, and Davis Kentucky and Tennessee; so that all were parcelled

-      off excepting Arkansas. Lincoln did'nt want it&mdash;Jeff, would'nt have

-      it. Neither would consent to take it, and on that they split; and the war

-      has been going on ever since."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0069" id="link2H_4_0069"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Nigger Mathematics.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe was lately visited by one of the "On to Richmond" sword of

-      Gideon gentry, who confidently expressed the hope, so common among the

-      Abolition noodles, that Lee's army would be "bagged." Uncle Abe grinned to

-      the utmost of his classic mouth, and remarked that he was afraid there

-      would be too much "nigger mathematics" in it. The visitor smiled at the

-      allusion, as he felt bound in politeness to do supposing there must be

-      something in it, though he could not see the point. "But I suppose you

-      don't know what 'nigger mathematics' is," continued Uncle Abe. "Lay down

-      your hat a minute, and I'll tell you." He, himself, resumed the sitting

-      posture leaned back in his chair, elevated his heels on the table, and

-      went on with his story. "There was a darkey in my neighborhood, called

-      Pompey, who, from a certain quickness in figuring up the prices of

-      chickens and vegetables, got the reputation of being a mathematical

-      genius. Johnson, a darkey preacher, heard of Pompey, and called to see

-      him. 'Here ye're a great mat'm'tishum, Pompey.' 'Yes sar, you jas try.'

-      'Well Pompey, Ize compound a problem in mat'matics.' 'All right, sar.'

-      'Now, Pompey, spose dere am tree pigeons sittin' on a rail fence, and you

-      fire a gun at'em and shoot one, how many's left?' 'Two, ob cooors,'

-      replies Pompey after a little wool scratching. 'Ya-ya-ya,' laughs Mr.

-      Johnson; 'I knowed you was a fool, Pompey; dere's <i>none</i> left&mdash;one's

-      dead, and d'udder two's flown away.' "That's what makes me say," continued

-      Uncle Abe, "that I am afraid there was too much nigger mathematics in the

-      Pennsylvania campaign." And the result showed that in this instance, at

-      least, the anecdote suited the fact. Lee's army was then three pigeons.

-      One of them was taken down at Gettysburg, but the other two flew off over

-      the Potomac.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0070" id="link2H_4_0070"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Long and Short of it.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      "Here I am, and here is Mrs. Lincoln, and that's the long and short of

-      it."&mdash;<i>Speech of Mr. Lincoln from the balcony of the White House at

-      Washington</i>.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0071" id="link2H_4_0071"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Handy Faculty.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Whilst Uncle Abe was passing, in his flat-boat, a small town on the

-      Wabash, an old chum accosted him from shore thus:&mdash;

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Uncle Abe, are you asleep?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Why?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Because, I want to borrow some whiskey."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Then" said Abe, "<i>I am asleep.</i>"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      And he rolled over drowsily on the flat-boat, and it passed on.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0072" id="link2H_4_0072"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe on Time.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      A Methodist dominie was lecturing Abe on his love of gambling. "Ah

-      Abraham, it is a grievous sin&mdash;in the first place, consider the loss

-      of time."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes," replied Uncle Abe, "I have often begrudged the loss of time&mdash;in

-      <i>shuffling and dealing</i>."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0073" id="link2H_4_0073"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Story that had no Reminder.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      During a conversation which took place between Uncle Abe and a

-      distinguished western senator, the recent legislative nominations for the

-      next presidency were incidentally referred to. "Yes," said Uncle Abe,

-      nursing his leg with evident gratification&mdash;"yes senator, the current

-      seems to be setting all one way!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "It does, really, seem to be setting all one way," was the answer of the

-      senator; "but, Mr. Lincoln, as you have told me several good stories since

-      I have been here, permit me if you please, to tell <i>you</i> one. It has

-      always been observed that the Atlantic Ocean, at the Straits of Gibraltar,

-      constantly pours into the Mediterranean with tremendous volume. The

-      Bosphorus empties into it, at its other end, and rivers are seen

-      contributing to its waters all along its coast. It was for many years the

-      constant puzzle of geographers, why the Mediterranean, under all these

-      accessions, never got full, and overran its banks. After a while, however,

-      a curious fellow took the notion of dropping a plummet in the center of

-      the Straits, when, lo! he discovered that, though the tremendous body of

-      water on the surface was rushing inward from the ocean, a still more

-      powerful body was passing outward, in a counter current, some twenty feet

-      below!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh, ah!" said Uncle Abe, seriously, evidently nonplussed, for the first

-      time in his life; "that <i>does not</i> remind me of any story I ever

-      heard before!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0074" id="link2H_4_0074"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Has it "Gin Out?"

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      We do not know what joke Uncle Abe made when he heard the news of the

-      surrender of Plymouth. In regard to the Fort Pillow affair he made a

-      Bunsby speech, but no joke. His last joke, of which we have any knowledge,

-      occurred when Secretary Chase was starting on his trip to New York. Uncle

-      Abe is like Cromwell without his military genius, and is very fond of

-      playing practical jokes on his associates. It is said that after Cromwell

-      had signed the warrant for the execution of King Charles he turned round

-      to one of his colleagues and smeared his face with the ink. This he

-      thought capital fun. Uncle Abe's jokes are of about the same quality. When

-      Chase called upon him to say good bye, the Secretary of the Treasury asked

-      for some information about the probable end of the war, saying it would

-      help him greatly in getting more money in Wall street. "Do you want more

-      money?" asked Lincoln, and then quickly added, "What! has the printing

-      machine gin out?" This joke is fully equal to Cromwell's.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0075" id="link2H_4_0075"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Major

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      At one of Uncle Abe's levees recently, among the Company was a

-      Pennsylvania Avenue tailor whom Abe recognized but could not name. "My

-      dear Sir} I remember your face, but I forget your name," said Uncle Abe.

-      The knight of the needle whispered confidentially into Uncle Abe's ear. "I

-      made your breeches." Uncle Abe took him most affectionately by the hand

-      and exclaimed enthusiastically "Major Breeches, I am happy to meet you at

-      the White House!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0076" id="link2H_4_0076"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Dry Drop.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      A refugee from Richmond was telling Uncle Abe of the sad state of affairs

-      reigning there. Among other things he said liquor was so scarce that the

-      rebel President himself could scarcely get a drop to drink.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "He ought not to have a drop <i>to drink</i> in this world or the next,"

-      said Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "You are rather severe," replied the refugee.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well," said Uncle Abe, "if you think a drop would do him good, let it be

-      a drop from the scaffold."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0077" id="link2H_4_0077"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe as a Physiognomist.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      While the western governors were in conversation the other day, one of

-      them asked him if he remembered a certain Major of the &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;

-      Illinois regiment.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe replied that "he could'nt say that he did." The gentleman who

-      addressed him then tried to jog the executive memory a little by

-      mentioning a circumstance or two connected with the Major's history.

-      Finally Uncle Abe remembered him very well&mdash;which fact he stated in

-      the following graphic language: "O yes, I know who you mean. <i>It's that

-      turkey egg faced fellow that you'd think did'nt know as much as a last

-      year's bird's nest</i>." This was the very individual referred to. It will

-      be seen that Uncle Abe has other fortes than statesmanship&mdash;and that

-      of a physiognoist is one of them.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0078" id="link2H_4_0078"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      The Concrete vs. the Abstract.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Dick Yates, the jolly Governor of the Suckers, tells that he called on

-      Uncle Abe one morning when he was trying to get the 88,000 "Hundredazers"

-      accepted, and that during their interview Uncle Abe remarked: "Yates, I'll

-      tell you the difference between the concrete and the abstract. When the

-      Senate passed a resolution requesting me not to appoint any more

-      Brigadiers, as the vacancies were all full, that's the concrete. But when

-      a Senator comes up here with a long petition and a longer face, requesting

-      me to make a brigadier out of some scallawag of a friend of his, as it

-      happens every day&mdash;I call that the abstract."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0079" id="link2H_4_0079"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Symptoms of Civilization.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe and his chums were wrecked and swamped once on a trip to New

-      Orleans, and having waded ashore, were in search of shelter and

-      refreshment, without much prospect of success, in a thickly timbered

-      bottom. They had traveled through the forest a long distance, and were in

-      despair of finding any human habitation, when they discovered a negro

-      hanging on the projecting limb of a tree. "The joy," said Abe, when

-      telling the adventure, "which this cheering view excited, cannot be

-      described, for it convinced us that we were in a <i>civilized country.</i>"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0080" id="link2H_4_0080"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe goes into Partnership.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      In the days when Uncle Abe plied the flat-boat business on the Wabash and

-      Sangamon, he made it a practice to troll for catfish and dispose of them

-      to the planters in Mississippi, when passing their plantations. This

-      brought him quite a revenue, which was always expended for "forty rod"

-      whisky, or the fish were traded off direct for that fluid chain lightning.

-      Once while passing the plantation of Mr. Percy, he was bound to have some

-      forty rod, and went ashore with a fine lot of fish. A large party were

-      assembled at the mansion of the aristocratic Percy; when Julius Cæsar

-      informed him that Uncle Abe was below with some very fine fish. "Well,"

-      said Percy, "give him his forty rod as usual, and let him go."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But sah, he won't take it dis time," said the darkey, "he wants a hundred

-      lashes on the bare back, well laid on massa." Uncle Abe insisted to the

-      surprise of every one on this strange price for his fish, and Mr. Percy to

-      humor him, complied, directing the overseer to cut him gently. When Uncle

-      Abe had received the fiftieth lash, he cried, "Hold! I have got a partner

-      in this business, to whom I have engaged to give half of whatever I should

-      get for the fish&mdash;this overseer would not admit me only on that

-      condition." O course the overseer had his share well paid, and Abe got his

-      forty-rod as usual, with something added.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0081" id="link2H_4_0081"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Abe Passing Counterfeit Money.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      One day a poor woman ran into Uncle Abe's law office in great fright

-      exclaiming:&mdash;

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh, Mr. Lincoln, my boy has swallowed a penny!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Was it a counterfeit," coolly asked Mr. Lincoln.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "No, certainly not," replied the woman, somewhat indignantly.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Oh! well, then <i>it will pass</i>, of course," said Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      It is hardly necessary to add that the anxious mother went home comforted

-      and that the boy who "swallowed the penny," at the last

-      Presidentia-election voted for "Honest Old Abe."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0082" id="link2H_4_0082"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      The Wrong Man Poulticed.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      At the famous watering place, of the Blue Lick Springs, Uncle Abe was

-      severely afflicted with a pain in the stomach, which neither gin

-      cock-tails nor other cordials could remove. It was night and he was in

-      bed. His loving wife, unwilling to awake the domestics, descended to the

-      kitchen, and prepared mustard poultice, which she spread on her own

-      handkerchief, and proceeded with it to the distressed Uncle Abe. Before

-      leaving him, she left a light dimly burning in the apartment; but deeply

-      impressed with anxiety, she was not as careful as she might have been in

-      noting the number of her room.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Guided by a light which she saw shining in a chamber, and which she

-      supposed was the one she had left, she entered, and gently raising the bed

-      clothes, &amp;c., laid the warm poultice upon a stomach but not the

-      stomach of Uncle Abe.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Hello there! What the &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash; are you about?"

-      shouted a voice of thunder, and the body and sleeves? whence it issued,

-      sprang out of bed.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      The lady screamed and ran; Uncle Abe rushed to the rescue from the next

-      room, the waiters joined and a small scene ensued, much to the amusement

-      of all concerned. The poulticed gentleman had indiscreetly left a light in

-      his room, and this lured the lady from her path.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe was so amused and excited by the mistake that he quite forgot

-      his pains; but early the next morning, with his wife and trunks, left for

-      Springfield, 111. The poulticed man still retains the handkerchief&mdash;a

-      beautiful cambric&mdash;with the lady's name on it, the initials of

-      Frances Amelia E. Todd.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0083" id="link2H_4_0083"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe as School Superintendent.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      When Uncle Abe kept grocery on the Sangamon he was elected as School

-      Superintendent out of his district. It was his duty to examine the

-      applicant teachers on mathematics; which he once did in this wise in his

-      grocery store. "If two pigs weigh twenty pounds how much will a large hog

-      weigh."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Jump into the scales," said the weilder of the birch, "and I'll soon tell

-      you."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Abe did not examine him further in mathematics.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0084" id="link2H_4_0084"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe's Nose.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe being asked once why he walked so crookedly? said, "Oh my nose,

-      you see, is crooked, and I have to follow it!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0085" id="link2H_4_0085"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Take Away the Fowls.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      After Uncle Abe had studied law some time and whilst travelling in the

-      Prairie country in Knox County, Illinois, he stopped at the house of Mrs.

-      Galt, an old Scotch lady whose husband was largely engaged in wool

-      growing. Abe at this time was beginning to be proud of his learning,

-      especially of his pronunciation of English. Mrs. Galt when dinner was over

-      desired the servant in waiting to take away the fowls, which she, (as is

-      sometimes done in Scotland), pronounced <i>fools</i>, "I presume, madam,

-      you mean fowls" said Abe rather sententiously. "Very well, be it so," said

-      Mrs. Galt; "take away the <i>fowls</i>, but let the <i>fool</i> remain!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0086" id="link2H_4_0086"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe Well Fed.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Old Whitey, Abe's school master, said to him angrily one day, "Abraham you

-      are better fed than taught!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Should think I was," said Abe, "as I feed myself and you teach me!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe says there is a good deal of the devil in the Rebels. They

-      sometimes fight like him, frequently run like him, and always lie like

-      him.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0087" id="link2H_4_0087"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Man of Means.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Uncle Abe was asked by a client whether his neighbor Brown was "a man of

-      means."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well I reckon he ought to be," said Abe, "for he is just the meanest man

-      in Springfield."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0088" id="link2H_4_0088"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Call Again.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      When Uncle Abe was taken sick recently, and Mrs Lincoln had sent for the

-      doctor; Uncle Abe, having an aversion to physic, said, he had better call

-      another time, as he was too sick then to joke with him.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0089" id="link2H_4_0089"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe Swapped when a Baby.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Abe when asked whether he could account for his excessive homeliness said

-      "when I was two months old I was the handsomest child in Kentuck, but my

-      nigger nurse swapped me off for another boy just to please a friend who

-      was going down the river whose child was rather plain looking."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0090" id="link2H_4_0090"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Hit at Antietam.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Another story of Uncle Abe, too good to be lost, has leaked out. It seems

-      he had accompanied a young lady to one of the hospitals in the capitol

-      where the sympathizing creature, as in duty bound became interested in a

-      wounded soldier. To all her inquiries as to the location of the wound,

-      however, she could only get one reply, thus: "My good fellow where were

-      you hit!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "At Antietam."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes, but where did the bullet strike you?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "At Antietam."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "But where did it hit you!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "At Antietam." Becoming discouraged, she deputized Uncle Abe to prosecute

-      the inquiry, which he did successfully Upon his rejoining her, she was

-      more curious than, ever, when the President, taking both her hands in his

-      said in his most impressive style. "My dear girl, the ball that hit <i>him</i>,

-      would not have injured <i>you</i>."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0091" id="link2H_4_0091"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      A Poor Crop.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      An old acquaintance of Uncle Abe's called upon him a short time since with

-      the view to getting hold of a contract. Uncle Abe told him that contracts

-      were not what they were in Cameron's time. "In fact," said he, "they

-      remind me now of a piece of meadow land on the Sangamon bottoms during a

-      drouth."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "How was that?" said the Sucker&mdash;"Why," said Abe, looking rather

-      quizical, "the grass was so short that they had to lather before they

-      could mow it."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0092" id="link2H_4_0092"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Handy in Case of Emergencies.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      During the fall of 1863, Uncle Abe was riding on the Virginia side of the

-      Potomac, between Arlington Heights and Alexandria, accompanied by Dr. N&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;

-      of New Jersey. Passing the huge earth-work fortifications, the Doctor

-      observed: "Mr. President, I have never yet been enabled to discover the

-      utility of constructing and maintaining those forts. What is your opinion

-      about them?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Well doctor," replied Uncle Abe, "you are a medical man! and I will ask

-      you a question in the line of your profession. Can you tell me the use of

-      a man's nipples?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "No I can't" said the doctor "Well I can tell you," said Uncle Abe,&mdash;"They

-      would be mighty handy if he happened to have a child."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0093" id="link2H_4_0093"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Value of a Reputation.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      A client of Uncle Abe's was tried for stealing, in Springfield, Illinois,

-      when it was satisfactorily proven that he had acknowledged the theft to

-      several persons. Uncle Abe argued in behalf of his client that he was such

-      an abominable liar that no one could believe him and the jury ought not

-      to. The judge charged against the prisoner, but to his astonishment the

-      jury brought in a verdict that the accused was entirely unworthy of

-      belief; and he was therefore acquitted.

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0094" id="link2H_4_0094"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Didn't Like the Name.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      A young U. S. Officer being indicted at Chicago, for an assault on an aged

-      gentleman, Uncle Abe began to open the case thus: "this is an indictment

-      against a soldier for assaulting an old man."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Sir," indignantly interrupted the defendant, "I am no soldier, I am an

-      officer!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "I beg your pardon," said Abe, grinning blandly; "then, gentlemen of the

-      jury, this is an indictment against <i>an officer</i>, who is <i>no

-      soldier</i>, for assaulting an old man."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0095" id="link2H_4_0095"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe's Good Bye.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      When Uncle Abe joined the Sangamon Militia and entered on the Black Hawk

-      war campaign, his Colonel was a small snipe of a fellow about four feet

-      three inches. Physically, of course, Uncle Abe looked down upon his

-      Colonel. Abe had rather a slouching look and gait at that time, and

-      attracted by his awkward appearance, the dapper little Colonel thus

-      saluted the future Executive and manufacturer of both Colonels and

-      Brigadiers. "Come, Uncle Abe, hold up your head; higher, fellow!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes sir."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Higher, fellow&mdash;higher." Abe stretched his lank neck to its greatest

-      altitudinous tension and said, "What&mdash;so, Sir?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes, fellow, a little higher."

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "And am I always to remain so?"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Yes, fellow, certainly!"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      "Then," said Uncle Abe, with a woeful countenance, "good bye, Colonel, for

-      I shall never see <i>you again!</i>"

-    </p>

-    <p>

-      <br /><br />

-    </p>

-    <hr />

-    <p>

-      <a name="link2H_4_0096" id="link2H_4_0096"> </a>

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 4em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-    <h2>

-      Uncle Abe's Last.

-    </h2>

-    <p>

-      Yesterday a Western correspondent, in search for something definite in

-      relation to the fighting now going on, stepped into the White House and

-      asked the President if he had anything authentic from Gen. Grant. The

-      President stated that he had not, as Grant, was like the man that climbed

-      the pole and then pulled the pole up after him.&mdash; <i>Washington

-      Union, May 16</i>.

-    </p>

-    <div style="height: 6em;">

-      <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />

-    </div>

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-<pre>

-

-

-

-

-

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-The Project Gutenberg EBook of Lincolniana, by Andrew Adderup

-

-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with

-almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or

-re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included

-with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org

-

-

-Title: Lincolniana

-       Or The Humors of Uncle Abe

-

-Author: Andrew Adderup

-

-Release Date: April 14, 2014 [EBook #45386]

-

-Language: English

-

-Character set encoding: ASCII

-

-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LINCOLNIANA ***

-

-

-

-

-Produced by David Widger from page images generously

-provided by the Internet Archive

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-LINCOLNIANA

-

-OR THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE

-

-By ANDREW ADDERUP

-

-1864

-

-[Illustration: 0001]

-

-[Illustration: 0003]

-

-[Illustration: 0005]

-

-

-Preface

-

-Is Joe Miller "complete?" I doubt it, maugre the pretenses of

-title-pages. An old joke is sometimes like a piece of painted glass in

-a kaleidoscope--every turn gives it a new aspect, and the new view is

-sometimes taken for the original phase. Perhaps this is true of some

-herein, although I am unconscious of that being so. If the accusation be

-made, try Uncle Abe first, for he is used to trials. As for me, I shall

-plead my privilege of telling you "the tale as it was told to me." But

-if these "little jokes" be not "sworn upon" for Miller, they shall stand

-for Uncle Abe--the writer hereof claiming only a godfathership. And

-others shall follow as fast as I glean them. To aid this purpose, let

-everybody who has a "good thing" send it to the publisher of this, and

-duly it will appear in the "complete" edition of Uncle Abe's jokes,

-always excepting the last, for the act of dying over will remind him of

-some little story with a _hic jacet_ moral.

-

-ANDREW ADDERUP.

-

-Springfield, Ill., April 1, 1864.

-

-

-

-

-LINCOLNIANA; OR, THE HUMORS OF UNCLE ABE,

-

-

-

-An Involuntary Black Republican.

-

-Sometime after Mr. Lincoln's well remembered passage of the rebel

-Rubicon at Baltimore, some radical Republicans, who thought they saw

-some signs of the President's backwardness in vindicating the Chicago

-platform, went in committee to the White House to beg him to carry out

-his principles--or rather to stretch them in Queen Dido's style.

-

-"I don't know about it, gentlemen," replied Uncle Abe; "with a pretty

-strong opposition at home and a rebellion at the South, we'd best push

-republicanism rather slow. Fact is, I'm worse off than old blind Jack

-Loudermill was when he got married on a short courtship. Some one asked

-him a few days after, how he liked his new position. 'Dunno,' said he;

-'I went it blind to start with, and ain't had a chance to feel my way to

-a conclusion yet.' So it is with me. Perhaps you can see further than I

-can, to me the future is dark and lowering; and we have now got to feel

-every step of our way forward. Making Republicans used to be hard work,

-and I don't see as I could do much at it now, unless I proselyte by

-giving fat offices to weak-kneed opponents; but that," continued

-Uncle Abe, with a sly look toward several of his old Illinois friends,

-"would'nt be quite fair to those who believe that 'to the victors belong

-the spoils.' Your idea about pushing things reminds me of the first

-_black_ Republican I ever made."

-

-And the President threw his left leg over his right and subsided into

-that air of _abandon_ which denotes his pregnancy of a good story.

-

-"You see, gentlemen," he began, "in my boyhood days, I had a slim chance

-for schooling, and did'nt improve what I did have. Occasionally a Yankee

-would wander into Kentuck, and open a school in the log building that

-was a church and school house as well, and keep it till he got starved

-out or heard of a better location. One Fall a bald headed, sour-visaged

-old man came along and opened the school, and my people concluded I must

-go; as usual the big boys soon began to test the master, who, though he

-was a patient Jeffersonian Republican, seemed very tyrannical to us. My

-good nature singled me out soon, as the scapegoat of the school, and I

-got more than my share of the birch: at least, my back was as good as an

-almanac, for every day of the week was recorded there. But, though this

-record of past time was no pastime to me, I could stand it better than I

-could the taunts and jibes of the boys out of school.

-

-"One morning when a half dozen of us were warming before the broad

-logwood fire, I noted a big fellow (who had got me flogged the day

-before) standing on the side opposite, his back to the blaze: both hands

-were partially open, one laid in the other; some would lay it to the

-devil, but it was only the spirit of revenge which prompted me to pick

-up a live coal, covered with ashes, and drop it into his hands. For a

-moment he did'nt mind it, but it burned all the deeper; when it did burn

-he jumped and bellowed like a stuck calf.

-

-"'Who made that noise?' Demanded old Whitey? the master.

-

-"'I made it,' replied the big fellow, rubbing his hands.

-

-"'Why?' more angrily demanded old Whitey.

-

-"'Some one put a coal of fire in my hand and burnt me,' sniffled the

-booby.

-

-"The big fellow, however, didn't know who did it. Some of the boys, who

-had a lurking pity for me, said it snapt into his hand; but the master

-'couldn't see it;' and at last it leaked out that 'Abe Lincoln done it.'

-

-"So you see, gentlemen," said Uncle Abe, moralizing, "I got the blame of

-a long score of supposititious shortcomings by one act of my own, pretty

-much as I had to bear the sins of my whole party in the late canvass,

-because of a few sins of my own."

-

-"'Abraham, come up here!' thundered the master, (By the way, gentlemen,

-my people always called me Abe--my wife still calls me plain Abe--but

-that old fellow called me _Abraham_ so often and so severely that I

-early dropped all claim to a definite appellative, and chose to be

-indefinitely 'A. Lincoln.') * But to go on. I got a deserved threshing

-that time, and a reputation withal for wickedness that saved all the

-little rogues in school. At last, however, I determined to be even with

-old Whitey, somehow.

-

-"It wasn't long till I worked out an idea. Just over the master's desk

-was a rude shelf, upon which he kept some books and a big-bellied bottle

-of ink, which some admirer of his Jeffersonian-Republican principles had

-presented him. I had observed that in stepping upon his desk platform,

-he never touched or moved his chair, beyond leaning back in it, which

-he always did, after taking his seat. So next day I robbed our old

-long-tailed white horse of a few hairs and braided them in a three

-stranded cord. While the master was gone out to his dinner, I put the

-thin glass ink bottle upon the edge of the shelf propped a-cant, and

-tied one end of the cord to the bottle, and the other end to the back

-of his chair. The boys sympathized with me, and were in an extacy of

-delight. Anon the master came. Without looking to the right or left, he

-marched sternly to the chair, and hence saw not the repressed titter of

-expectation that was ready to burst over the whole room. I stood just

-outside of the door expecting the result; he sat down and then leaned

-back. Down came the bottle, deluging the bald head in a shower

-of Stygian blackness! Yes, gentlemen, I fancy that was the first

-_black_ Republican ever made in Kentuck, but the conversion was too

-sudden."

-

-"How was that?" queried Cassius M. Clay.

-

-"Why," replied Uncle Abe, "he afterwards married a widow and----twelve

-negroes."

-

-     * When Mr. Lincoln was nominated, very many papers ran up

-     the name of "Abram Lincoln."

-

-

-

-

-The Wrong Pig by the Ear.

-

-I never knew a flash phrase worse used up than was one by Uncle Abe

-attending one of the neighboring Circuit Courts above Springfield. He

-was employed to aid a young County Attorney to prosecute some reputed

-hog thieves. The crime of hog stealing had become so common that the

-people were considerably excited and an example was determined on. The

-first person tried was acquitted on a pretty clear _alibi_ or pretty

-hard swearing. As the fellow thus acquitted was lounging round the Court

-House, Uncle Abe was passing, and he hailed him.

-

-"Well Mr. Lincoln, I reckon you got the wrong sow by the ear when you

-undertook to pen me up."

-

-"So it seems," replied Uncle Abe, blandly, "but really you must excuse

-me, pigs are so very much alike! In fact, people up here don't all seem

-to know their own."

-

-

-

-

-"Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln Live."

-

-In "Clay times," as the old farmers of Sangamon still recall the period

-of Henry Clay's powerful canvass for the Presidency, Uncle Abe had a

-wide circuit practice. In travelling to the various courts, he generally

-drove a horse and vehicle that some people will still remember. The

-horse had belonged to an undertaker, and the "funeral business,"

-together with years, had made him a grave and staid animal. His

-_physique_ presented those angularities that characterized his master,

-but unlike his owner, he was never known to perpetrate a joke or indulge

-in a "horselaugh." The vehicle was neither buggy, nor Jersey wagon,

-but had become, by virtue of alterations and repairs, what Uncle Abe

-afterwards described the Union under the plan of free and Slave States

-"neither one thing or the other." There was in fact an "eternal

-fitness" in horse and man that was not exactly a "standing joke," but a

-peripatetic one.

-

-I would give all my expectation of a brigadiership for a portrait of

-Uncle Abe seated in this strange "turnout," as he "might have been seen"

-wending his meditative way across the prairies.

-

-About this time Uncle Abe was nominated for Congress in the Sangamon.

-Yet he did not forego his business, but prosecuted his legal course, as

-well as all evil-doers who chanced to fall into his hands. He had

-just started on a circuit trip, to be gone a month. Often, since Mr.

-Lincoln's nomination for Congress, had Mrs. Lincoln begged him to add

-a second story to their humble dwelling, but he pleaded poverty. But a

-relation of Mrs. Lincoln's having died in Kentucky leaving her a

-small legacy, she determined her husband should have a house worthy a

-candidate for Congress. Doubtless she felt an inward satisfaction at the

-thought of furnishing a good surprise for her husband on his return. So

-she at once bought material, set mechanics at work, and in three weeks

-metamorphosed the dwelling into what political pilgrims to Springfield

-in 1860 will remember as a neat, two-story, clay-colored residence.

-

-Uncle Abe arrived home just after dark, and drove up to what he thought

-to be Eighth street, but not seeing his house, and thinking he had made

-a mistake, he drove round on to the next street. Recognizing the houses

-there; he again drove around to Eighth, and, passing his own house,

-recognized that occupied by W------n, a clever tailor, who was standing

-at his own gate.

-

-"Why, is that you, Wilkie?" (said Uncle Abe patronizingly.) W------n,

-assured him of his own identity, "Wilkie, where does Old Abe Lincoln

-live now."

-

-"Well," said W------n, "The Loco's say he's so sure of his election that

-he's gone to Washington to select his seat; but Mrs. Lincoln lives now

-in that beautiful new two-story house you have just passed." Uncle Abe

-indulged in a quaint laugh, and then turned his ancient horse around,

-alighted and asked if Mrs. Lincoln lived in the house before which he

-stood. Mrs. Lincoln received him as a fond woman should receive her

-lord, and the return was the cause of much pleasant badinage in social

-circles.

-

-

-

-

-Too Literal Obedience.

-

-Gen. McClellan was complaining to Uncle Abe of one of his division

-commanders, who had literally obeyed an order publicly given for the

-purpose of hood-winking the rebels through the aid of the numerous

-undetected spies known to lurk in the camp as well as the capital.

-

-"That reminds me of a little story--a little thing that happened to me

-when I was out in the Black Hawk war," said Uncle Abe.

-

-"You see, after we brought the Foxes to terms, they were as sweet as

-wild honey. The women especially tried to make a good thing out of the

-defeat of their braves, by selling us moccasins, deerskin breeches, &c.

-One squaw in particular, made beautiful breeches, and I concluded to

-have a pair made. How she was to fit my spindles, puzzled me at first,

-as the Indians are no tailors in any _measurable_ degree. At last I

-bethought me of an old pair which I had in my saddle bag, and these I

-gave to her that she might rip them open and use the parts for patterns.

-When she brought the new ones home, I was not a little angry to find

-that she had exactly imitated the old patch on the nether parts of the

-new breeches."

-

-Little Mac smiled in his peculiar grave way, and remarked that when he

-gave an order for a similar purpose, he would tell this story by way of

-a hint.

-

-

-

-

-How Uncle Abe Felt.

-

-Soon after Uncle Abe's defeat by Judge Douglas in 1848, (whereby Douglas

-unwittingly made a President) some one asked Uncle Abe how he felt over

-the result.

-

-"Well," said he, "I feel a good deal like a big boy I knew in Kentuck.

-After he'd got a terrible pounding by the school master, someone asked

-him how he felt? 'Oh! said he, it hurt so awful bad, I couldn't laugh,

-and I was too big to cry over it.' That's just my case."

-

-It is presumed the questioner got an idea how a defeated politician

-feels.

-

-

-

-

-P.P.P.

-

-Soon after the advent of Uncle Abe at the White House, the pressure of

-aspirants for official positions was perfectly crushing.

-

-In fact, Uncle Abe sometimes got so flustered by their bedevilment, that

-he not only failed to recollect an illustrating anecdote, but soon lost

-his temper.

-

-One of the Illinois applicants--a fellow named Jeff.

-

-D------r, was particularly a bore, seeming to think it part of the

-Chicago platform to give every village politician an office.

-

-"Seems to me, Jeff," said Uncle Abe, "you got the Chicago platform

-reduced to enormous brevity--in fact, just three p's would seem to

-express your idea of it."

-

-"How's that, Mr. Lincoln?" inquired-Jeff.

-

-"Why, it looks to me as if it was patriotism, place and plunder, and a

-mighty important plea is the last one, I reckon."

-

-Jeff was silent for a while, but bored on until he "struck ile" in the

-shape-of a clerkship.

-

-

-

-

-Rattaned for a Rat Joke.

-

-Just after the retreat of the rebels from Bull Run, when it leaked

-out that our troops had been held at bay by wooden or Quaker guns, a

-Pennsylvanian Congressman remarked to Uncle Abe--"Well, Mr. Lincoln, you

-see that Quaker principles even embodied in wood may be of some service

-in war."

-

-"Yes, but as you see in that shape, they are only substituted

-principles; such things may do once, but found out, they will avail

-worse than nothing. Your remark, however, 'reminds me of a little

-story.'

-

-"When I was a youngster of fifteen or so, I went to an 'Academy' for a

-few weeks, just to brush up my old-field school learning. Such schools

-are called Academies in the East, to distinguish their intermediate

-position between colleges and common schools; but in Kentuck and

-the West, generally the high sounding title merely meant that the

-'principal' taught a few branches ahead of the old-field schools. Well,

-the rats were thick about the old building where we daily gathered

-to reap the fruit of knowledge; and as many of the boys brought their

-dinners and threw the fragments under their old-fashioned box desks,

-they soon grew as bold as they were thick. The teacher had a mortal

-antipathy to rats, and as I didn't 'take' to the teacher, I naturally

-encouraged the rats. Whenever one showed himself, he was sure to get a

-whack from the old teacher's rattan. Sometimes he missed his aim at the

-rats, but never at us boys, which was owing, perhaps, to the difference

-in the size of the game.

-

-"An industrious rat had made a hole from beneath the floor up under my

-desk, and thence out through the end, and as I fed him well he was quite

-tame. Often during school hours he would come up and peer out into the

-aisles through his hole in the end of the desk, and whenever he was seen

-by the teacher, he was sure to see the rattan whirling in the air. An

-idea struck me one day. I got a dead rat--I did not like to kill my

-pet--and stuffing it, made quite a good-looking 'Quaker' rat. Then I

-fixed some springs so I could work my rat out and in at pleasure; so

-whenever the teacher was looking up, my rat was always out; but when

-the whack came down, he was in betimes. At last he seemed to think it

-wondrous tame, and the ill-suppressed titter of the school boys finally

-made him suspicious. The boys had been let into my secret, and relished

-it hugely, and I was too prone to give a few exhibitions. At last the

-teacher watched me sharper than he did the rat, and then caught me in

-the act. He got hold of the rat and beat me alternately with rat and

-switch, and you may well guess, I was well rattaned. If soldiers who use

-wooden guns ever get worse usage, I pity them."

-

-The 300 Pounder Parrot since used by the Government, shows Uncle Abe's

-poor appreciation of Quaker guns and Quaker principles.

-

-

-

-

-The State House Struck by Whiggery.

-

-Soon after the State House at Springfield was erected, in 1840, Mr.

-Lincoln stood on the east side of the Capitol Square one day, in

-conversation with a Democratic friend, who was loth to believe that the

-Whigs could carry the State for "Tip and Ty."

-

-"Nothing is more morally certain," said Uncle Abe. "All the signs of

-the times point to it, and--why even the State House is struck with

-Whiggery" he said, pointing up under the eves, where is yet seen a

-remarkable representation of a "coon" in the stone.

-

-

-

-

-Graphic and True.

-

-When Hon. Emerson Etheridge escaped from Tennessee during the summer

-of 1862, his opinions on Tennessee affairs were eagerly listened to in

-Washington. Among other questions, Uncle Abe asked:

-

-"Do the Methodist clergy in your State take to secession?"

-

-"Take? Why, sir, they take to it like a duck to water, or a sailor to a

-duff kid."

-

-

-

-

-A Judge of the Post Office.

-

-Judge David Davis of Bloomington, Illinois, who was recently appointed

-(by Uncle Abe) to a position on the bench of the Supreme Court of

-the United States, is known to many of his friends as one of the best

-hearted men in the world. His, is withal, full of the piety of good

-humor. I call it "piety," because I think a smiling face is a perpetual

-thanksgiving to God. His benevolence, however, edges down his wit, and

-gives it more the characteristic of humor, strictly speaking. This,

-while it may have helped that "belly with fat capon lined," has kept him

-at peace with himself and the world.

-

-On one occasion, while Judge Davis was presiding at the Logan County

-Circuit Court, a case came up that involved a question of postal law.

-Uncle Abe was on the case, and politely loaned Judge D. a small manual

-of postal law, that he might see for himself what the letter of the

-law was. The Judge gave his understanding of the law, but had hardly

-finished when Mr. S------s, a burley farmer from Clear Creek, jumped up

-and sang out--

-

-"I reckon that ain't so, Judge. I've been Post-Master more'n a dozen

-years, and I reckon I ought to know what's Post Office law."

-

-Of course Judge Davis had every right to fine the man for contempt, but

-he had a different way of treating such cases. "With a tone in which

-sarcasm only slightly blended, he said:

-

-"Truly, I think you ought, Mr. S------s. It has never been my privilege

-to be a Post-Master, and I would like your opinion in this case. Please

-step this way."

-

-The Judge moved over and made room on the bench, which Mr. S------s

-occupied, and proceeded to give _his_ opinion on the mooted question.

-The bar sat smiling in expectation.

-

-"Keep your seat, Mr. S------s, while I speak a word with my friend

-Parks."

-

-Uncle Abe it was who had been interrupted, so he resumed:

-

-"May it please the Court, I had some doubt on this point myself, so

-I borrowed the usual manual of Postal Law, to be perfectly assured.

-I regret to contend that the clear letter of the law conflicts--sadly

-conflicts--with the view just taken by Judge S------s;" but here the bar

-indulged in a quiet "smile" without a stick in it, and it just popped

-into Mr. S------'s head, that he was out of place, and he skedaddled in

-haste.

-

-"The largest _pussie_ Judge that sat on our bench," remarked Will Wyatt.

-From that day to this, Mr. S------s, has never lost the title he so

-suddenly gained.

-

-

-

-

-I'm an Inderlid.

-

-One day while Uncle Abe was attending to a case at Mount Pulaski, (the

-country seat of Logan County, Illinois,) he was beset by old B------s,

-a worthy farmer, but a notorious malaprop, for an opinion as to his

-amenability to the road tax. "You look here, Mr. Lincoln, these fellows

-here want to make me work on the road."

-

-"Well!" said Uncle Abe.

-

-"Well, I tells them that they can't do it, cause I'm an _inderlid_, you

-see."

-

-(Of course Uncle Abe concurred in B------s opinion, and forgot to charge

-a fee.)

-

-"On another occasion, he wanted John G. Gillette, the great cattle

-dealer, to _proximate_ him because he'd got the best pair of cattle

-scales in Logan County."

-

-

-

-

-How Uncle Abe got his Sobriquet.

-

-Some one ventured to ask Uncle Abe, soon after his arrival at the White

-House, how he got the sobriquet of "Honest Abe."

-

-"Oh," said he, "I suppose my case was pretty much like that of a country

-merchant I once read of. Some one called him a 'little rascal.' 'Thank

-you for the compliment,' said he. 'Why so?' asked the stigmatizer.

-'Because that title distinguishes me from my fellow tradesmen, who are

-all _great_ rascals.'"

-

-"So honest lawyers were so scarce in Illinois that you were thus

-distinguished from them?" persisted the questioner.

-

-"Well," quoth Uncle Abe, glancing slyly at Douglas, Sweet, and others

-from Illinois, "it's hard to say where the honest ones are."

-

-

-

-

-"I'll take Number Eleven too."

-

-Thirty-five or forty years ago, a trip from Sangamon or Macon County, to

-St. Louis, was an event to be talked of. It took as long to make it, and

-furnished food for as much rustic enquiry and comment, as does a voyage

-to Europe now. Uncle Abe had then given up rail-splitting, and was

-studying law. Having a little while before treated himself to a (then)

-rare thing, a suit of "store clothes;" and a neighbor being about to

-leave for St. Louis, he resolved to go along. As the teams toiled on at

-the rate of fifteen or twenty miles a day, they were gradually joined by

-others, till the train presented somewhat the sights now to be seen on

-our great overland routes to the Pacific.

-

-On arrival at St. Louis, Abe determined to see high life, and

-accordingly made tracks for a letter A. No. 1, first class Hotel.

-The Old City Hotel was then the only house that could claim that

-distinction. There the merchants congregated, and there the Indian

-trader sought relaxation from frontier hardships, while the rough

-trapper was content with the humble fare of the "Hunter's Home."

-

-I forget what association called out this reminiscence of that trip; but

-there can be no harm in repeating the story. Such mishaps have befallen

-incipient greatness before.

-

-At the dinner table, each waiter was provided with a wine card, and each

-guest had his wine charged to the number of his room, simply calling

-out, as for instance, Sherry No. 9, &c. A jolly Indian trader, sat just

-opposite Abe, who betimes called "Claret, No 11." Abe saw that most of

-the guests were similarly providing for themselves, and concluded not to

-appear penurious, so he said he'd take some wine too.

-

-"What kind, sah?" asked the waiter.

-

-"Oh, I'll take the same,"--pointing to the bottle just called for by the

-Indian trader.

-

-"What number, sah?"

-

-Abe was puzzled. Ho had not been used to wine or hotel life; but it was

-only a moment before he broke the ice.

-

-"Oh, I'll just take No. 11 too."

-

-The trader looked up surprised, while several others near by, smiled a

-faint comprehension as to the state of affairs.

-

-"Why, young man," said the trader, "that is my number, and mine is a

-single room."

-

-"I beg pardon," stammered Abe, conscious that he had betrayed rusticity

-and ignorance; but not knowing exactly how to extricate himself, the

-good-hearted trader came to his aid--

-

-"Were you ever in the city before?" asked he.

-

-"Never before."

-

-"Well, then, in memory of your advent, it shall be No. 11 too," and he

-quietly pushed the bottle across the table. So agreeable was he that

-Abe rallied, and the second bottle followed the fate of the first. On

-renewing the conversation after dinner, the trader was satisfied that

-Abe had 'lots' of 'horse sense,' but little of worldly experience,

-and he friendlily invited him to go out with him as a clerk; but, Abe

-declined. Had he gone--what? Perhaps he might have become a respectable

-Indian trader--perhaps he never had been elected President, and perhaps

-we would have had no rebellion.

-

-

-

-

-A Severe Retort.

-

-Uncle Abe took a great liking to the late Col. Ellsworth, and afterwards

-did him the honor of making a Colonel of him. The rebel Jackson did

-the rest, but enough of that. Many of our readers will recall the

-slim, spruce figure of Col. Ellsworth as he paraded the streets

-of Springfield, dressed in a unique Zouave uniform, a mere boy in

-appearance. He was full of animal spirits. He and Bob O'Lincoln were

-cutting up didoes in the Law office of Lincoln and Hornden, which

-greatly annoyed Uncle Abe, and he gently reproved them. Bob, a little

-nettled, replied by quoting the common couplet:

-

-``"A little nonsense now and then,

-

-``Is relished by the wisest men."

-

-"Yes," said Uncle Abe, looking severely at Bob, "that's the difference

-between a wise man and a fool who relishes it all the time."

-

-Bob subsided, and Ellsworth betook himself anew to Blackstone.

-

-

-

-

-Had all the Time there Was.

-

-When Uncle Abe used to attend the Courts in the regions round about

-Sangamon, he generally made easy stays, and was wont to look at the

-country and talk to the people at his leisure. On one occasion he

-was riding by the premises of old H------, who was notorious for his

-unthriftiness, and who was in the act of driving some stray hogs out of

-his corn-field.

-

-"Good morning, Mr. H------," said Uncle Abe.

-

-"Morning, Mr. Lincoln, morning."

-

-"Why don't you mend that piece of fence thoroughly, Mr. H------, and

-keep the pigs out?" asked Uncle Abe.

-

-"Ha'n't got time," said H------.

-

-"Why," said Uncle Abe, with an air of blended reproof and humor, "you've

-got all the time there is Mr. H------."

-

-Whether H------ mended his fence and his thriftless habits, this

-deponent knoweth not; but has often thought how true was the remark,

-whether as a joke or an admonition. Every second, minute or hour is

-ours--ours to use or ours to squander. How wontonly wasteful would be

-the rich man who should stand upon a vessel's deck and cast his million

-golden coins into the sea; yet day after day we stand upon the shores of

-eternity, and cast the golden moments into the unreturning past. All the

-knowledge and wealth of the world is but the result of improved time. So

-don't say you "havn't got time," for you've got all there is, as Uncle

-Abe says.

-

-

-

-

-Could Stand it a Day or Two,

-

-About the time this occurred, there stood on one side of Capitol Square,

-in Springfield, a Hotel, now doubtless out of memory of most of the

-occupants of the out-lots and additions which speculators have hitched

-to the original village. In its day it was a "first-class hotel," but

-it waned before the "American" and is now among the "things that were."

-There were some who doubted the cleanliness of the _cuisine_, and

-"thereby hangs a tale."

-

-Judge Brown arrived in town and put up at the aforesaid hotel, whereat,

-Uncle Abe, on meeting him, expressed his regret, begging him to become

-_his_ guest. The Judge would fain not trouble his friend.

-

-"But you know the reputation of the place--the kitchen?" said Uncle Abe.

-

-"I've heard of it," said the Judge; "but as I want to keep my appetite,

-I always shun the kitchen, if not the cooks."

-

-"But surely, can't you see by the table alone, Judge?"

-

-"I know, Mr. Lincoln, but I'm going to stop only a day or two, and I

-guess I can stand for that time what the landlord's family stand all

-their lives."

-

-Speaking of Hotels, reminds me of a little episode of one of Uncle

-Abe's professional visits to Cairo, in Egypt, a town fenced in with

-mud-banks and celebrated for its mud-holes and mean whisky. Thereabouts

-is a Hotel, and thereat Uncle Abe stopped because the water forbade

-further traveling. When his bill was presented to him next morning,

-he ventured to remark, "that his accommodation had not been of the most

-agreeable kind."

-

-"We are very much crowded," apologetically replied the landlord.

-

-"But I had hard work to get breakfast this morning."

-

-"Yes," continued the apologist, "we are greatly in need of help."

-

-"Well, well," said Uncle Abe, "you keep a first rate hotel in one

-respect."

-

-"Ah!" said the landlord, brightening up, "in what respect is that?"

-

-"Your bills," said Undo Abe, vanishing towards the "Central" cars.

-

-The Ky-ro-ite landlord perhaps thought he ought to be well compensated

-for keeping a hotel in such a place. A man of his sort used to "keep

-tavern" in Pasy County, Indiana, several years ago. A pedestrian stopped

-with him over night, for which the charge was 2.50.

-

-"Why, landlord," said he, "this is an outrageous bill."

-

-"You mean it's a big'un?" said the insatiate Boniface.

-

-"Yes, I do."

-

-"Well, stranger, we keep tavern here."

-

-"What has that to do with such a bill?"

-

-"Look at that'ere sign, stranger--cost ten dollars; your'n the fust

-trav'ler that's bin along for three weeks, and we can't afford to keep

-tavern for nothin--_we_ can't!"

-

-

-

-

-Not the Worst of it.

-

-Gov. Morgan, of New York, was urging the employment of General W------in

-active service, Seward objected, that he was "too old" for the emergency

-of the times.

-

-"Yes," said Uncle Abe, "we've got too many old officers in the army, and

-that is not the worst of it--_we've got two many old women_ there!" This

-was when Uncle Abe's faith was strong in little Mac.

-

-"Some conclusions;" said Uncle Abe on one occasion, "are nonsequential.

-To say that Rome was not built in a day, does not prove that it was

-built in a night."

-

-

-

-

-Accoutred en Militaire.

-

-In the outset of the famous Black-hawk war in Illinois, a "hoss company"

-was raised in the region where Uncle Abe was (then) a rising lawyer.

-I say rising, although he had then reached a height sufficient to

-help himself to most blessings--and he, the aforesaid U.A., was chosen

-Captain. Uncle Abe rode a "slapping stallion," who was either naturally

-restive, or appreciated his new honor too highly--at any rate, he

-corvetted and pirouetted like a very Bucephalus. At last he unhorsed

-his rider, who landed sprawling on the prairie in one of those green

-excrescences that abound where bovine herds range. As the discomfitted

-Uncle Abe rose, and surveyed his predicament, old Pierre Menard, who was

-a near spectator, remarked in his broken French:

-

-"Vell, I nevair sees any man accoutred en militaire like zat before."

-

-Most old suckers pronounce accoutred as the Yankees do the word

-cowcumber, and this rendered Menard's joke more unctious.

-

-

-

-

-Perils of Illinois Lawyers.

-

-Years ago, when the capital of Suckerdom was a village of less

-"magnificence" than it now presents--when Lincoln, Harden, Baker,

-McDougal, Douglas, Shields and Ferguson were all village lawyers, and

-scarcely known to fame--Judge Thomas Brown was on the Supreme bench

-of the State. He was to some extent a "character;" but not a very

-successful lawyer. He went to California, since when he has been

-generally lost sight of; but his old friends may be assured that if he

-is in the "land of the living," Uncle Abe's tax collectors will find

-him. But that's neither here nor there. His ideas of the perils of

-practicing law in Illinois, in early times, is what is now before the

-reader.

-

-On one occasion, after he had changed his residence to Peoria, having

-some business to transact in Springfield, he arrived in that place and

-put up at the old American House, (now kept by Henry Bidgely, Esq.)

-He chanced to mention the name of Peoria. Instantly the attention of a

-countryman was fixed, upon him, who, at the first opportunity accosted

-him--

-

-"From Peoria, Squar?"

-

-"Yes."

-

-"Much acquainted?"

-

-"Pretty well, Sir."

-

-"Know a lawyer up there named H------g R------s?"

-

-"Yes sir."

-

-"How's he getting along?"

-

-"Oh, first rate--devilish lucky man."

-

-"He's getting hold of considerable land, hain't he?"

-

-"Yes a deal--devilish lucky man.

-

-"Yes--large--devilish lucky man."

-

-"Look here, Squar," said the countryman, evidently puzzled at R------s

-being so devilish lucky.

-

-"What do you mean about his being so lucky?"

-

-"Mean? why I call any man lucky that practices law twenty years in

-Illinoiss, and don't get into the penitentiary."

-

-

-

-

-Couldn't Make a Presidential Chair.

-

-"Mr. Lincoln," said an ardent sovereignty man just at the beginning of

-the last Presidential contest "Mr. Douglas is a cabinet maker."

-

-"He _was_ when I first knew him," said Uncle Abe "but he gave up the

-business so long ago, that I don't think he can make a Presidential

-chair now." Uncle Abe proved himself a prophet, although at a tremendous

-cost to the country.

-

-

-

-

-"Couldn't see It in that Light."

-

-A delegation of temperance men recently sought to influence Uncle Abe to

-take some stringent steps to suppress intemperance in our armies. Among

-other reasons urged, they said our armies were often beaten because of

-intemperance.

-

-"Is that so?" said Undo Abe. "I've heard on all sides that the rebels

-drink more than our boys do, and I can't see why our boys, who drink

-less, are more liable to get whipped."

-

-"But you know the corrupting influence of the army in regard to drinking

-habits," pursued the Committee.

-

-"I've heard that, too," said Uncle Abe, "but I think they will do pretty

-well _if I can keep them out of Washington!_"

-

-The Committee didn't carry their measure, by a jug full.

-

-

-

-

-Too Tough for the Rebels.

-

-When the Illinois boys gathered at Springfield, under the call of the

-ten regiment bill, they were quartered on the fair grounds, just out

-of the city. All the stalls were filled with troops, before which were

-signs as "St. Nicholas," "Richmond House," etc., etc. Charley W------,

-on going through the fair grounds, looked into the "Richmond House," and

-said--

-

-"Well, boys, how do you get along?"

-

-"Oh, first rate," replied the Chicagoians, "we're all _stall fed_."

-

-"Bully for you," said Charley; "hope you'll be too tough for the

-rebels."

-

-

-

-

-Little Mac Helped by an Illustration.

-

-"I can't seem to reap any advantage from the rebel movements," said

-McClellan, in consultation with Uncle Abe.

-

-"Oh, you just keep a watchful, careful eye on Leer and perhaps you will

-yet see how to make use of them, as old Mother Grundy did of her crooked

-wood."

-

-"Thereby hangs a tale," remarked little Mac, with one of his peculiar,

-quaint smiles.

-

-"You're right, General. Your remark reminded me of a good old

-neighbor of my father's, in Kentucky, who died many years ago. She was

-sweet-tempered--few such in this world." Uncle Abe stopped as though a

-mental comparison had damaged some woman of his acquaintance. "Yes, her

-disposition was of that kind that extracts 'good from things evil.' And

-she was her husband's pride and boast. One day he was praising her to a

-neighbor."

-

-"'Look here, old man Grundy,' said the neighbor 'these women are just

-like cats--they are all right as long as you stroke the fur the right

-way, but reverse the movement, and you'll see the fire fly. Now, I'll

-tell you what, I bet a four-gallon keg of my four-year-old peach, that I

-can tell you how to make her as mad as a set-hen, if you dare to try."

-

-"'Done,' cried old man Grundy.

-

-"'Well, you just haul home all the crookedest sticks of wood you can

-find, and then see.'

-

-"Old man Grundy brought home a small load every day or two, and it was

-knotty and crooked as a pigs-tail; but not a word or look of complaint.

-For a week this continued, with the same result, when he asked the good

-wife how she liked the wood."

-

-"'Oh,'tis beautiful wood,' said she; 'it burns finely, and then it fits

-_around my pots and kettles just, as if 'twas made on purpose_.'"

-

-Lee did not fit into Mac's hand so well, yet the story was not without

-its use to him.

-

-

-

-

-An Acre of Fight.

-

-During the progress of the Senatorial campaign between Douglas and

-Lincoln, Uncle Abe came home to recreate a few days. Douglas, long used

-to the political arena, bore the fatigues of the canvass like a veteran.

-His custom was to bathe just after supper, getting some friend to rub

-him like a race horse, when he would sit down and enjoy his whisky

-and cigar. Lincoln, lank and abstemious, bore his yoke with evident

-weariness. But to the story.

-

-Uncle Abe went up into the Governor's room in the State House, where he

-was soon joined by many of the leading Republicans of the town. Some one

-remarked on his look of weariness. "It is a mighty contest," remarked

-Uncle Jesse Du Bois.

-

-"But Mr. Lincoln does not show his great appreciation of it upon the

-stand," remarked a Chicago correspondent, in allusion to Uncle Abe's

-good humored replies to Douglas.

-

-"But still, when the day's gladiatorial combat is over, it seems to

-me, as the Kentucky fellow said, that I had been through 'an acre of

-fight.'"

-

-"Give us that story, Abe," said Dr. Wallace, Uncle Abe's brother-in-law.

-

-"Well, one of my earliest recollections of a Kentucky Court, was a trial

-about a fight. It took place in the Court House grounds, and the Judge,

-thinking it constructable as a contempt of Court, sent out the Sheriff,

-and had the parties quickly brought before him. Both had bruised noses

-and beavers, and showed the unmistakable evidence of having been in

-a scrimage. The witnesses were numerous, and the evidence was so

-conflicting, that the Judge declared he could legally reach no other

-conclusion than that there had _been no fight at all_. But the Sheriff

-ventured to suggest:

-

-"Here's Jim Blowers--he had hold on one of them fellers, when I arrested

-them."

-

-"Mr. Clerk," said the Judge, "you will at once swear Mr. Blowers."

-

-"Now, Mr. Blowers," said the Clerk, "you will please tell the Court what

-you know about this affair."

-

-"Well, ax on."

-

-"Well, was there a fight between these parties?"

-

-"Just a bit of scrimage."

-

-"It was a real fight, was it?"

-

-"Well, some people would call it that."

-

-"How much of a fight was it?"

-

-"Oh, considerable--they pulled and hauled about kinder like two cows

-when they lock horns."

-

-"But, tell the Court more precisely?"

-

-"Well, I should say it was a right smart fight."

-

-"But _how_ much of a fight?"

-

-"Well, then, just about an acre, I reckon."

-

-It is needless to say that the crowd enjoyed the joke hugely.

-

-"It is easier to pay a small debt than a larger one."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Believes in the Intelligence of Oysters.

-

-In the year 1860 or thereabouts, when a great patent case was being

-tried in Chicago, and champagne and oysters were the favorite viands

-served nightly to Counsel and Jurors after the adjournment of Court, it

-happened that one Ed. D------n, a young patent lawyer from New York, was

-present on one of those occasions. Now, Ned is terribly afflicted with a

-determination of words to the mouth, and managed to monopolize the whole

-conversation. Ned had a speech to make upon everything, and kept buzzing

-around like a musquito, dipping his bill into everything animate or

-inanimate, no matter which. At last he began to officiate at serving out

-the oysters, and with ladle in hand, said in his usual stilted style,

-"I wonder whether this bivalve, this seemingly obtuse oyster, is endowed

-with any degree of intelligence." Uncle Abe looked at the puppy, who, by

-the way, had prevented him cracking a single one of his favorite jokes

-for the entire evening, and quaintly remarked, that "he was satisfied

-that an oyster knew when to shut up, and that was more than some

-New York lawyers knew." Ned has never propounded the query as to the

-intellect of oysters since.

-

-

-

-

-An Egyptian Snake Story

-

-The last county made in Illinois--I don't mean by the Legislature, but

-by Nature, and where dirt was so short that it lies under water part of

-the year--is called Alexander, and used to boast two rival towns, both

-thoroughly Egyptian in their nomenclative association--Cairo and Thebes.

-Twenty years ago Thebes was the "seat of justice;" but Cairo was then

-beginning to entertain magnificent expectations, and her citizens wanted

-to have the Court House removed to their town. The contest waxed warm.

-The Thebans contended that Cairo was only a "daub of mud on the tail

-of the State," while Thebes was destined to hold the same relation to

-Alexander, that its ancient namesake did to Egypt in the time of Menes.

-[See Herodotus.] But to settle the dispute, the Legislature must be

-appealed to, and that involved the choice of a man favorable to the

-change. This narrowed the fight right down to a hot county canvass

-between the Theban and Cairoine interests.

-

-A Cairo man conceived a scheme that was ahead of anything yet achieved

-by Uncle Abe's brigadiers in the way of "strategy." He wrapped a boulder

-in a green hide, making a perfectly round mass, to which he attached a

-mule; then night after night he drew the stone through sand and mud.

-By going on a straight line, the mule's tracks were concealed, and the

-track left, resembled that made by a huge serpent.

-

-[Illustration: 0041]

-

-These tracks were mainly in the south end of the county, and caused

-an excitement that almost absorbed the election interest. Soon it was

-reported that Mrs. so and so had seen a huge snake. The wonder grew

-apace. Anon it was currently reported that two men had seen the great

-serpent five miles above Cairo. The excitement increased. Several daring

-hunters followed the track, of which new ones were made every night;

-but the trail always led into water and was lost. Several persons missed

-hogs and calves, which were surmised to have gone into the capacious maw

-of the serpent. Finally word was given out that a great hunt was to come

-off in the lower part of the county, and the rendezvous was appointed.

-On the morning, hundreds were there from all parts of the county, and

-dividing into squads they started to scour the country about. At night

-they returned from their snakeless hunt, but so anxious were the people

-to get rid of his snakeship, that they furnished an abundance of edibles

-and whisky. All were in hilarious spirits, determined to renew the hunt

-on the following morning. By daylight the hunters were again on the

-tramp, and men from the lower part of the county happened to fall into

-the squad.

-

-About 3 o'clock in the afternoon, a squad of the bans hove in sight

-of a small village, _i.e._ one house a blacksmith shop and a grocery,

-where, seeing a large crowd assembled, they hurried up in expectation of

-seeing the dead monster. _But the men were voting!_

-

-"Thunder!" cried a Theban, "this is election day, and I'll bet my bottom

-dollar we're sold!"

-

-They started for the rendezvous and spread their suspicions; but so few

-reached their own precincts, that the Cairo man was elected.

-

-Then the joke came out; but the Thebans couldn't see the "laughing

-place;" their rage and mortification was so intense.

-

-Uncle Abe was a member of the Legislature, when an effort was made to

-change the county seat of Alexander; and though he liked the joke hugely

-by which the Thebans had been "diddled," he saw the honesty of the thing

-and so voted against any change.

-

-

-

-

-Why Uncle Abe Made a Brigadier.

-

-When the rebellion had gone so far as to give the most hopeful

-some clear idea of its extent and malignancy, it chanced that J. A.

-Mc------d, a leading politician of Illinois, made a visit to Washington,

-and imitated his friend Douglas so far as to call upon Uncle Abe. The

-"shoot" that certain prominent Democrats gave indication of taking,

-by talking of reconstruction and a Northwestern Republic, gave the new

-administration some concern. Uncle Abe was very sociable with Logan,

-Mac, and a few of their "ilk." So Uncle Abe not only extended to Mac the

-hospitalities of the White House, but accompanied him on a visit to the

-arsenal. While there, their attention was drawn to some muskets which

-the speculators had furnished to Cameron, and which were thought

-(generally) very dangerous to those who used them.

-

-Mac caught up one, and sighted along the barrel.

-

-"Do that again, Mac," said Uncle Abe.

-

-Mac complied. Uncle Abe was evidently struck with an idea, and Mac was

-anxious to know what it was like.

-

-"Why, Mac," said Uncle Abe, "I was thinking if we could get all our

-soldiers to make up that kind of a face, that the rebels couldn't stand

-it a moment." Mac didn't relish Uncle Abe's joke, as he was hopefully

-in pursuit of the third wife; but he put the best face he could upon the

-matter, and remarked to Uncle Abe--

-

-"Perhaps you'd better make me a Brigadier then!"

-

-"And why not?" asked Uncle Abe.

-

-Mac got his commission.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Puzzled.

-

-Uncle Abe was met one day near Springfield, by a conceited coxcomb, who

-had built him a house at some distance, and invited him to dinner.

-Uncle Abe did not much relish the Jackenape's acquaintance. In fact,

-as Justice Shallow has it, had "written him down an Ass." However, Abe

-enquired very minutely, where Snooks lived? "Thistle Grove," replied the

-verdant Snooks; "but there's no grove now, and not a single thistle!"

-

-"Eh, what!" cries Uncle Abe, "not a single thistle! Then what on airth

-do you live on?"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Divided on a Question.

-

-In 1840 or '41, Uncle Abo was a member of the Illinois Legislature.

-The Capital had lately been removed from Vandalia to Springfield. The

-Legislature met in the Presbyterian church.

-

-I have forgotten what measure was before the house; but it was one in

-which there were many members who did not wish to commit themselves.

-Uncle Abe was in this predicament. He sat near an open window, and when

-the clerk, calling the ayes and nays had got down to L's, Uncle Abe

-thrust his right leg out of the window, and was just drawing its long

-companion after it, when an anti-dodging member "seeing the game," shut

-the sash down and held Uncle Abe in a trap.

-

-"Lincoln," called out the Clerk.

-

-"Mr. Speaker," said Col. Thornton, "Mr. Lincoln is _divided_ on this

-question, and I move you that the sergeant at arms be sent to bring in

-that part of him that is out of the window."

-

-Uncle Abe was "_brought in_" amid a universal titter, to his evident

-mortification.

-

-In 1840, the Union generally went for Harrison; but Illinois,

-particularly, was democratic. When the Legislature met in the Fall

-of that year, the Whig members tried to break up the _new_ Session by

-absenting themselves from voting to adjourn the old Session _sine die_,

-so that they could Constitutionally meet the next Wednesday morning; the

-State Constitution requiring the Legislature to meet "the first Monday

-in December next, ensuing the election of members." After the breaking

-up of the morning Session, the Sergeant-at-arms hunted up the delinquent

-Whigs, and at 3 o'clock there was a quorum obtained, and the doors

-locked. The Springfield _Register_ of Dec. 11, 1840, mentions this

-matter, but thinks Uncle Abe "come off without damage, as it was noticed

-that his legs reached nearly from the window to the ground!"

-

-A proposition was afterwards humorously proposed, to add another story

-to the new State House, so that fugacious members would have to go down

-the water spouts if they ran!

-

-

-

-

-Tried for Scaring the Girls.

-

-Thirty years ago, when Springfield was blooming into the dignity of its

-Capitalive position, the American House was its great hotel, (and it

-isn't its smallest yet,) and the resort of those who loved to spend

-a few hours in the society of the _bon vivants_ who then

-assembled--Lincoln, Douglas, Shields, Ferguson, Herndon, (then a young

-man, but since the law partner of Uncle Abe,) and many others "not

-unknown to fame," could almost always be found here during the evening.

-

-One evening as they were sitting in free converse in the bar-room, one

-of the chamber maids came in and informed the landlord that a man was

-under her bed.

-

-It seems while stooping down to untie her gaiters, she saw a man under

-the bed. With rare presence of mind, she excused herself to her fellow

-servant as having forgotten some duty, and reported her discovery to

-the landlord. Boniface at once called for volunteers to secure the

-interloper. So eager were they for fun, that all volunteered. They

-surprised and captured the man, and brought him down to the bar-room;

-but what to do with him? was the next question. Springfield then had no

-vagabonds who made fees out of misfortunes--i.e. policemen--and it was

-determined to treat him with the prompt justice peculiar to that era. A

-court was therefore got together at once, all expectant of fun but the

-unfortunate culprit.

-

-Judge Thomas Brown was decided upon to act as Judge; Melborn, the

-talented, but eccentric State Attorney, was detailed to prosecute;

-and Lincoln and Douglas to defend the prisoner. Dr. Wallace acted as

-Sheriff, and upon the jury were Dr. Merriman, * Gen. Shields, John

-Calhoun (of Lecompton memory,) Uri Manly, and many other well known

-personages.

-

-Lawborn, though a regularly-educated and talented lawyer, took occasion

-not only to be as "funny as he could," but to imitate the prevailing

-style of oratory too common in Illinois--a style in which the

-Hard-shell-Baptist devil mingled with the rough dialect of the

-back-woodsman.

-

-"_May it please your Honor, and you, gentlemen of the Jury_: The

-Legislature of Illinois, though it has legislated upon every subject it

-could think of, has omitted to pass any act against a man being born as

-ugly as he pleases. If such an idea ever occurred to my friend Lincoln

-here, when in the Legislature, I know he would at once dismiss it,

-not only as too personal, but as repugnant to his honest heart. As for

-myself, I like ugly men. An ugly man stands up on his own merits. Nature

-has done nothing for him, and he feels that he must labor to supply the

-deficit by amiability and good conduct generally. There is not an ugly

-man in this room but has felt this. A pretty man, on the contrary,

-trusts his face to supply head, heart and everything. He is an anomaly

-in nature, as though the productions had been at fault as to sex, and

-sought to correct it when too late. They are girl's first loves, and

-doting husband's jealous bane. I confess I don't like pretty men half so

-well as I do pretty women.

-

-     * Afterward murdered and robbed on the Pacific.

-

-"No, gentlemen, ugliness is nothing. It is manners that is everything.

-The ugliest man that ever lived, never intentionally frightened a

-woman--nay, never was so unfortunate as to do so. But this creature,

-gentlemen of the Jury, this mendacious wretch whom you set in judgment

-upon--this creature, who would doubtless enter for a prize of beauty at

-a vanity fair--how has he failed in his duty to society? Why, gentlemen,

-by crawling under the bed upon which two fair damsels were about to

-expose their loveliness to Diana's envious gaze. Did he wish to woo

-them? Petruche's was rough in his wooing--this man was mean! Woman loves

-not surprises. Their hearts are fond of open sieges. This is the case of

-all women-kind. Maugre the slander of Hudibras:=

-

-``"He that woos a maid,

-

-``Must lie, love, and flatter."=

-

-"It is a _mystery_ that adds to beauty, and the woman who surrenders that

-to importunity or surprise, has lost half her vantage ground. The story

-of Guyges and Candaules' queen, if not paralleled here, is not without

-its moral. What else meant this wretch, gentlemen of the Jury, but to

-surprise these charming damsels when only armed with the light shield

-that the Huntress and the cotton plant throws over earthly beauty? Or,

-perhaps he meant more--his own guilty heart can only accuse him there.

-

-"Gentlemen of the Jury, the failure of our Legislature to provide a

-specific punishment for such miscreants, as this--lecherous creatures,

-who steal upon woman amid the mysteries of the bed-room--is no reason

-why society should fold its arms and leave woman's hidden beauties to be

-anatomized by guilty eyes. No, gentlemen of the Jury, outraged decency

-cries for its victim, and here he tremblingly, guiltily stands.

-

-"Gentlemen of the Jury, where are the spirits of the fathers of the

-Constitution? Are they not hovering over us in the air of the still

-summer day? Are they not wailing upon the winds that sweep over our

-prairies? Are they not heard in the sigh of the mountain pine? Are they

-not abroad in all lands, whispering to earth's downtrodden millions like

-a voice of hope? Yes, gentlemen of the Jury! and where was this creature

-then? Why, creeping under the bed of two girls, hazzarding the chance of

-overturning--well, it matters not."

-

---And much more, in a view that needed to be heard to be appreciated.

-

-Lincoln followed, illustrating with anecdotes meet for the place and

-occasion, of which I recollect only the opening. "Gentlemen of the

-Jury," said he, "the remarks of my friend Lawborn about ugly men, comes

-home to my bosom like the sweet oders of a rose to its neighboring great

-sister, the cabbage. It was a grateful, a just tribute to that neglected

-class of the community--ugly men, I wish to say something for my

-client, although it must in candor be admitted, that he had 'gone to

-pot.' I don't see why we should throw the kettle after him; he may be

-the victim of circumstances; he looks very bashful now, and it may be

-the girls scared him; who knows? At least I claim for him the benefit of

-a doubt.

-

-"Why, gentlemen, many of us have, or might have suffered from a

-concatenation of circumstances as strong as that under which my client

-labors. Let me relate a little personal anecdote in illustration. When

-I was making the secret canvass of this country, with my friend

-Cartwright, the Pioneer Preacher, we chanced to stop at the house of one

-of our old Kentucky farmers, whose log-cabin parlor, kitchen and hall

-were blended in one, and only separated at night by sundry blankets hung

-up between the beds. As we were candidates for the august Legislature of

-Illinois, our host treated us with the privacy of a blanket room. During

-the night I was awakened by some one throwing their leg over me with

-some force. I thought it was neighbor Cartright, and took hold of it to

-give it a toss back; but it didn't feel like one of his white oak legs,

-and while I was feeling it to ascertain the correctness of my half-awake

-doubts, a stifled scream thoroughly awakened me, and the leg was

-withdrawn. Why, gentlemen, would you believe me? It was the leg of our

-host's daughter! Imagine my position if you can! What an _apparent_

-breach of hospitality! While I was imagining an excuse for my conduct,

-the 'old folks' struck a light, and the blanket between our bed and

-that of the buxom damsel, was discovered to have been pulled down! More

-damning proof, thought I. I feigned sleep, but kept one corner of my

-left eye open for observation. The blanket was soon fixed up, and I

-was greatly relieved to hear the damsel explain to her mother that she

-herself had invaded our bed while dreaming, caused by some un-digestable

-vegetables she had eaten for her supper. Our host was serene and affable

-in the morning, and I had no need to apologize; but, gentlemen, imagine

-what an escape I had, and have mercy on my client."

-

-Uncle Abe made a side splitting speech all through, and Douglas followed

-with a "constitutional" argument.

-

-The Jury returned a verdict of "guilty of scaring the girls," and the

-Judge sentenced the culprit to be whipped in the back yard, by the girls

-he had scared.

-

-Dr. Wallace, the acting Sheriff, (no, a paymaster in the army,) went out

-and bought a cow hide, and the fellow was soon tied up to a post, and

-the girls made per force to give him thirty-nine well laid on.

-

-The whole affair was a rich evening's divertisement, and cost nothing

-more than a few lost vest buttons and strained button holes.

-

-It is needless to say that the fellow became a _non est_ man from that

-day thenceforth.

-

-

-

-

-"Thank God for the Sassengers."

-

-Most of the readers of this have perhaps read a good story of Oliver

-Ditson, the celebrated Boston Music publisher. After he had been in

-business several years, his New Hampshire friends invited him to open

-his Thanksgiving in his native town, he accepted the invitation and

-started with some of his friends. On the way Ditson was the great man of

-the occasion, and was therefore placed at the head of the table, when

-it devolved upon him to ask the blessing. Now Oliver practiced more

-religion than he knew the exact forms for, and he was in a sad dilemma;

-but he essayed boldly the task. He thanked God for all the 'creature

-comforts' there were upon the table--for all there ever had been--for

-all that was expected. But how to quit? He went on, thanking and trying

-to think at the same time how 'blessings' ended, but to no purpose.

-Knives rattled, plates moved, and Oliver saw the hungry people were

-getting impatient, and he came to the end in a real business like style,

-with--"Yours, respectfully, OLIVER DITSON."

-

-Almost as good an anecdote is told by Uncle Abe of one of his old

-friends, a Mr. Sawyer, who merchandized either in Macon or Champaign

-County. Sawyer, was a Yankee, and distinguished for little besides an

-immoderate liking for "sassingers," as he called that "linked sweetness"

-which polite people call sausages. When Uncle Abe was stumping the

-Sangamon District for Congress, it befell that he and Sawyer met at the

-same country hotel, which was kept by a hardshell Baptist, whose

-foible was long prayers and blessings at table. They--Lincoln and

-Sawyer--happened to be going to the same town by the same coaches. So

-they were up betimes and ready, but breakfast was delayed. They at last

-got to the table, and the Deacon was just closing his eyes preliminary

-to the blessing, when the stage horn blew.

-

-"Bless me, Deacon, there's the stage ready," cried the Sawyer; "thank

-God for the sassengers, and let us fall too."

-

-I hardly need say the Deacon's blessing--and perhaps his breakfast were

-spoiled. But Sawyer had his "sassengers."

-

-

-

-

-Was'nt Murder After All.

-

-When the present State House of Illinois, was being built--and it's a

-passable edifice, baring it is too low in the ground, and the _summer

-house_ up on its top is too low to catch the cool breezes--it chanced

-that among the workmen engaged upon it was a New Yorker named Johnson.

-This man had a sovereign contempt for most of the shinplasters then

-circulating in Illinois; nor was he much amiss in this, for if it

-was now in existence, it would be exchangable at par with Jeff Davis'

-shinplasters. But through the instrumentality of Col. Thornton's

-negotiations in New York with McAlister of Stebbins, (a claim, by the

-way, that has never been settled but came near _settling_ the State _a

-la_ Mattoon,) a large amount of the bills of the New York _Metropolitan

-Bank_ were put into circulation about Springfield. For this currency

-Johnson conceived so great a partiality that the passion of avarice soon

-turned it into a mania. He bought all these notes his means permitted,

-and stored them away about his person with miserly care.

-

-One Sunday Johnson was invited to ride out to the Cut off by a man

-(Smith for the nonce) and accepted. They did'nt stop at the Cut-off, but

-went direct to Sangamon River. Here, they were overheard quarrelling.

-

-Smith came home without Johnson, who was soon missed, and as he was

-known to have gone away with Smith, that individual was soon put in that

-log building still standing (it did in '62) back of Carrigan's Hotel,

-and which has since served as a hen house etc. (Why don't Butler take a

-picture of it, to show the "rising generation" what a small house used

-to hold all the _known or taken_ rogues of old Sangamon?)

-

-The examination of Smith, did not take place until the river bank had

-been examined. There were signs of a struggle on the bank, and to the

-water's edge, which gave force to the evidence of the man who heard

-them in dispute, and all felt convinced that Johnson had been murdered.

-Although a careful examination and dredging of the river failed to

-produce the body, Smith was committed for trial.

-

-Uncle Abe was engaged as counsel for Johnson, but had little hopes of

-being of any earthly aid to him.

-

-At last the day of trial came, and the prisoner plead "not guilty."

-

-I think it was Melborn who was the prosecuting Attorney; before the

-prosecution had opened the case Uncle Abe rose and said:

-

-"May it please the Court, I have a motion to make before the prosecution

-opens; and as it may save the Court some unnecessary labor, I hope it

-will be entertained. _I move that the indictment be quashed and the

-prisoner discharged!_"

-

-The astonishment of the crowded Court room was immense, shared alike by

-Judge, bar and spectators. As soon as the Judge recovered his equanimity

-he asked:

-

-"Upon what grounds is so extraordinary a motion made?"

-

-"Why the man Johnson, was not murdered at all, and I have the pleasure

-of introducing _him to the presence of the Court_."

-

-Johnson was led forward. Hundreds recognized him immediately, The

-excitement was so great that the Judge adjourned the Court.

-

-It seems that the parties had quarreled, Johnson had been pushed into

-the river, but had got out and wandered off in a state of partial

-aberation of mind and had been working on a farm. His passion for

-Metropolitan Bank Notes and his name suggested an idea that he was the

-missing man, and he was opportunely produced in time to save a man from

-being hung.

-

-

-

-

-Joe Reed's Mule Hunt.

-

-One of the best natured fellows in the world, when he is not mad, is

-Joe Reed, of Logan County, Illinois, Joe is a staunch Republican--a real

-rip-rarer in the cause, and has given Uncle Abe the lift of a mighty

-broad pair of shoulders more than once, although at first he had a poor

-opinion of the rail-splitter. Thereby hangs a tale.

-

-In 18--, (the date is forgotten on account of the coldness of the

-weather that winter,) Joe lost a couple of mules. After they had

-been gone for a long time, he chanced to hear of them in a settlement

-somewhere within the present bounds of Macon County. Illinois. At the

-first opportunity Joe started on a mule hunt, determined to find either

-the mules or some _trace_ of them. On reaching the neighborhood in

-question, Joe was satisfied that an old fellow named Bosby Sheel, had

-his mules; and when he went in person, and saw them, the assurance of

-his eyes made "assurance double sure." He at once made claim, but the

-old fellow had heard that possession was nine points of the law--he

-declined to surrender them; Joe immediately appealed to old Squire

-P------, who at once summoned the holder of the mules to his Court. The

-Squire informed Joe that he would have to prove property; but Joe said

-he would only have to swear to his property. In this dilemma, the Squire

-adjourned Court till after dinner and remarked to Joe that he had better

-get a lawyer.

-

-"There is young Abe Lincoln, he don't live far from here, and he'll be

-at my house after dinner."

-

-As he was the only lawyer immediately thereabouts, Joe thought he had

-best employ him, in order to "have the law on his side."

-

-Soon after dinner a stranger arrived, and the Justice (who was landlord

-of the only hotel in the settlement,) whispered to Joe, that that was

-the lawyer.

-

-"What!" exclaimed Joe, "that lean, lank gawky? Why, I'll bet both

-of them mules I know more law nor he does, for I'm a 'Squire at home

-myself--I am."

-

-"But his looks is mighty deceivin', I tell you," said Boniface. "He's

-gin out to be one of the piertest young fellows short o' Sangamon."

-

-But Joe was decided, and the 'Squire re-convened his Court, he having

-the meantime laid the case before his young friend, the lawyer, and got

-his opinion.

-

-Acting his own lawyer, Joe felt it due to his course to give a concise

-statement of the law. As he stood up, he still continued to read from a

-green-covered book that had engaged his attention most of the day It was

-one of Cooper's latest novels. As Joe gave his version of the law, it

-seemed to 'Squire P------ that he was _reading_ the law.

-

-"Is that really the law?" said he, as Joe finished his version of the

-law--not the book. "Let me see that book."

-

-Joe mechanically handed it to him.

-

-After pouring over it for some time, he handed it back, with an air of

-disappointment, remarking:

-

-"Drat me! if I see any sich law in that book."

-

-"Well, it ain't no wonder ye don't--that's the _Red Rover_, a novel and

-not a law book, and you've been and lost my place too," Joe found his

-place, and continued: "what I told you is what the law says, and I know

-it's so."

-

-"Well, as you're a 'Squire, too, I reckon you ought to know. As the mules

-don't belong to old man Bosby Sheel and you swear they are you'rn, I

-hold he's bound to give'em up."

-

-Joe rallied the old Squire rather hard about looking over the _Red

-Rover_ for extra law, but finally "give a treat" and left the Squire and

-his friend in the best of humors.

-

-Said Uncle Abe when he had the small-pox, "I now can give something to

-every one who calls."

-

-

-

-

-Has no Influence with the Administration.

-

-Judge Baldwin, an old and highly respectable and sedate gentleman,

-called a few days since on Gen. Halleck, and presuming upon a familiar

-acquaintance in California formerly, solicited a pass outside of our

-lines, to see a brother in Virginia, not thinking that he would be met

-with a refusal, as both his brother and himself were good Union men.

-

-"We have been deceived too often," said General Halleck, "and I regret I

-can't grant it."

-

-Judge B. then went to Stanton, and was very briefly disposed of with the

-same result. Finally he obtained an interview with Uncle Abe, and stated

-his case.

-

-"Have you applied to Gen. Halleck?" inquired the President.

-

-"And met with a flat refusal," said Judge B.

-

-"Then you must see Stanton," continued Uncle Abe.

-

-"I have, and with the same result," was the reply.

-

-"Well, then," said Uncle Abe, with a smile of good humor, "I can do

-nothing; for you must know _that I have very little influence with this

-Administration_."

-

-

-

-

-A Touching Incident.

-

-The following incident, which occurred at the White House, will appeal

-to every heart. It reveals unmistakably the deep kindness of Uncle Abe's

-character:

-

-"At a reception recently at the White House, many persons present

-noticed three little girls poorly dressed, the children of some mechanic

-or laboring man, who had followed the visitors into the house to gratify

-their curiosity. They were passed from room to room, and were passing

-through the reception room with some trepidation, when Uncle Abe, called

-to them: 'Little girls, are you going to pass me without shaking hands?'

-Then he bent his tall, awkward form down, and shook each little girl

-warmly by the hand. Everybody in the apartment was spellbound by the

-incident, so simple in itself, yet revealing so much of Uncle Abe's

-character."

-

-

-

-

-A Lincoln Man Ducked.

-

-During the canvass between Uncle Abe, and Peter Cartright, the

-celebrated Pioneer Preacher, it chanced that Cartright, was returning to

-his home from the Williamsville and Wiggins Lane settlement. The nearest

-crossing of the Sangamon was at Carpenter's Mills, where there was the

-convenience of a ferry instead of a bridge, as is now the case. Upon the

-hill on the western side of the river, Cartright saw a man elevated upon

-a barrel in front of a little grocery--and on nearing him, he discovered

-that he was giving the Democrats in general, and Uncle Peter Cartright

-in particular, a perfect fusilade of small shots of slang and abuse.

-

-"I tell you, boys, I'm a Whig,--a real Harrison Tippacanoe and Tyler

-too, Whig," said he. "I'm for putting down all these cuss'd locofocos,

-and if we can't vote'em down, why I go for lickin'em' down. There's

-long Abe Lincoln that's runnin' for the Legislature--he's the chap to

-vote for. He's one of the people--split rails and got his edycation by

-moonlight. He don't go round the country prayin' and preachin' like that

-mean Methodist cuss, Peter Cartright, that's runnin' agin him. I'd like

-to know what we wants of a parson to make laws for us? Just elect him,

-and fust you know he'll have a bill into the Legislature, to fine us for

-not goin' to meetin' or for drinkin' a glass of whisky. I'll tell

-you what, if he ever comes round here, I'll just pass him inter the

-Sangamon--certain--sure."

-

-Just here Uncle Peter Cartright enquired for "the ferryman.

-

-"I'm the ferry-man, old hoss," sung out the rustic orator, "and ken

-put ye cross the river in no time." Uncle Peter signified his desire

-to cross, and the twain started towards the ferry boat. The Preacher

-stepping into the boat, hitched his horse to the side, while the

-ferryman shoved out into the stream.

-

-"So you are a Lincoln man?" queried Uncle Peter. "I'm that hoss."

-

-"And so I presume you would douse a Cartright man if you had a chance?"

-

-"I mought do it stranger."

-

-"Certainly you would douse Mr. Cartright?"

-

-"Sure's winkin', old fellow."

-

-"Well Sir, I am Peter Cartright at your service," and before the

-ferryman recovered from his surprise Uncle Peter pitched him into the

-river, took the pole and put himself across the river.

-

-The ferryman did'nt vote for Uncle Peter but he altered his opinion of

-Methodist preachers in general and Uncle Peter in particular.

-

-

-

-

-A Comparison.

-

-One day as Uncle Abe, and a friend were sitting on the House of

-Representatives steps, the session closed, and the members filed out in

-a body. Uncle Abe looked after them with a serious smile. "That reminds

-me," said he, "of a little incident when I was a boy; my flat boat lay

-up at Alton on the Mississippi, for a day, and I strolled about the

-town. I saw a large stone building, with massive stone walls, not

-so handsome though, as this, and while I was looking at it, the iron

-gateway opened, and a great body of men came out. 'What do you call

-that?' I asked a bystander. 'That,' said he, 'is the State Prison, and

-those are all thieves going home. Their time is up.'"

-

-

-

-

-"There's Enough for All."

-

-Uncle Abe was terribly bored by the office seekers, even before the

-Presidential house-warming had scarcely began. The Illinois politicians

-were the most ravenous pap-Suckers of all.

-

-"Just wait a little," said Uncle Abe, "I can assure you, as L------d

-S------t did the swine, 'there's enough for all.'"

-

-"Let us have the story, Uncle Abe," said one of the crowd, who evidently

-expected something rich.

-

-"Why, you see," began Uncle Abe, "I attended court many years ago at

-Mt. Pulaski, the first county seat of Logan County, and there was the

-jolliest set of rollicking young Lawyers there that you ever saw

-together. There was Bill F------n, Bill H------n, L------d S------t, and

-a lot more, and they mixed law and Latin, water and whisky, with equal

-success. It so fell out that the whisky seemed to be possessed of the

-very spirit of Jonah. At any rate, S------t went out to the hog-pen,

-and, leaning over, began to 'throw up Jonah.' The hogs evidently thought

-it feed time, for they rushed forward and began to squabble over the

-voided matter.

-

-"'Don't fight (hic),' said S------t: 'there's enough (hic) for all.'"

-

---The politicians couldn't see anything to laugh at, although the

-"snubbin" was plain enough.

-

-

-

-

-Making a President.

-

-Uncle Abe, in elucidating his estimate of Presidential honors, tells a

-clever story, as he always does, when he sets about it. It seems that

-Windy Billy, who is a politician of no ordinary pretensions, was a

-candidate for the Consulship of Bayonne, and he urged his appointment

-with the eloquence of a Clay or a Seward. He boasted vociferously of his

-activity in promoting the success of the Republican ticket, and averred

-with his impassioned earnestness that he and he alone had made Uncle Abe

-President.

-

-"Ah!" exclaimed Uncle Abe, "and it was you who made me President, was

-it?" a twinkle in his eye all the time.

-

-"Yes," said Billy, rubbing his hands and throwing out his chest, as a

-baggage-master would a small valise, "yes, I think I may say I am the

-man who made you President."

-

-"Well, Billy, my boy, if that's the case, it's a h--ll of a muss you got

-me into, that's all."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Boss of the Cabinet.

-

-A prominent Senator was remonstrating with Uncle Abe a few days ago

-about keeping Mr. Chase in his Cabinet, when it was as well known that

-Mr. C. is opposed, tooth and nail, to Uncle Abe's re-election.

-

-"Now, see here," said Uncle Abe, "when I was elected I resolved to hire

-my four Presidential rivals, pay them their wages and be their 'boss.'

-These were Seward, Chase, Cameron and Bates; but I got rid of Cameron

-after he had played himself out. As to discharging Chase or Seward,

-don't talk of it. I pay them their wages and am their boss, and would'nt

-let either of them out on the loose for the fee simple of the Almaden

-patent."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Peter Cartright's Wonder.

-

-Some of the farmers in and about Saggamon county, Illinois, have been and

-still are so intent on cattle-raising, that the business is a sort

-of cattle-mania. Uncle Peter was one Sunday preaching near a good old

-deacon of this sort, whose piety was somewhat like that of a card-playing

-lady mentioned by Addison, (Spectator No. 7,) who had a set hour for her

-devotions, and if she happened to be at a game, would get a friend to

-"hold her hand" while she said her prayers. Our worthy deacon was rather

-vain of his "gift" praying and saying "blessings" at table. As a matter

-of courtesy, he might occasionally ask a visiting preacher to pray

-or ask a blessing; but he never failed to exhibit his "gift" to his

-visitors. He had a singsong way of "getting it off," at the same time

-beating time with his hands on either side of his plate. On the occasion

-alluded to, he began--"Oh Lord! (thump) bless the creature comforts

-(thump) provided for our (thump) sustenance (thump.) Bless it (thump) to

-our needs (thump) and necessities, (thump). Lead us aright, (thump) but

-if we stray (thump) put us back (thump) into the right path, (thump).

-Bless the stranger (thump) that comes beneath our roof, (thump) and keep

-his feet (thump) in pleasant paths, (thump). What we ask (thump)

-amiss, (thump) withhold; (thump) but grant us what our (thump)

-short-sightedness omits, (thump) and thine be the glory (thump) now and

-for ever, (thump) a------."

-

-And here the old deacon stopped suddenly, opened his eyes, and looking

-across the table, asked:

-

-"Son John, did Mr. Jones settle yet for that Durham cow?"

-

-"Yes, father--it's all right."

-

-"Amen," concluded the deacon.

-

-"Cattle! cattle!" exclaimed Uncle Peter in ill-concealed disgust.

-

-"Why, you can't say your prayers without having cattle running through

-your head; I wonder the Lord don't turn such Christians into cattle!"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe a Shaksperian.

-

-When Uncle Abe was making a plea in one of the county Circuit Courts,

-not far from Springfield, one of the lawyers becoming sensible that he

-was being out-generaled, remarked to Uncle Abe, as he sat down--

-

-"I smell a mice."

-

-"Why don't you quote Shakspeare correctly?" said Uncle Abe.

-

-"Why," said the other, "I was not aware that I Was quoting Shakspeare at

-all."

-

-"Certainly you were, and had you done it properly, it would have been

-more expressive and less vulgar. The correct expression is, 'I smell a

-device.'"

-

-

-

-

-The Running Sickness.

-

-In the Black Hawk war, Uncle Abe belonged to a militia company in the

-service. On a scout, the company encountered the Indians, and in a

-brisk skirmish drove them some miles, when, night coming on, our forces

-encamped. Great was the consternation on discovering that Lincoln was

-missing. His absence or rather his stories, from the bivouac, was a

-misfortune. Suddenly, however, he came into camp. "Maj. Abe, is that

-you? Thought you were killed. Where've you been?" were the startling

-speculations. "Yes," said Uncle Abe, "this is me--ain't killed either."

-

-"But where have you been all the time?"

-

-"Oh, just over there."

-

-"But what were you over there for? Didn't run away, did you?"

-

-"No," said he deliberately, "I don't think I run away; but, after all, I

-reckon if anybody had seen me going, and had been told I was going for a

-doctor, he would have thought somebody was almighty sick."

-

-

-

-

-How to Get Rid of Rats.

-

-So thick had the rats become in Logan County, a few years ago, that the

-means of getting rid of the nuisance was freely discussed. The newly

-organized Agricultural Society, finally concluded to offer three

-premiums for the then largest numbers. The man who took the largest

-prize, exhibited over 1,700 scalps all caught in the space of three

-weeks. At the time these prizes were pending, Uncle Abe attended Court

-there, and Col. L------n, (a considerable gourmand,) by the way, was

-discussing the best way to get rid of the rats, and finally asked Uncle

-Abe's opinion.

-

-"Why," said Uncle Abe, "rats are a 'cunning cattle,' and soon find out

-how things are going. I introduce them to your table as a delicacy, and

-when they find out you are making 'game' of them they will soon give you

-a wide berth."

-

-The Colonel winced under a faint impression; but silently ratified Uncle

-Abe's conclusions. "Yes," chimed in M------, "we might go so far as to

-use their pelts to ornament our winter clothing."

-

-

-

-

-A Palpable Application

-

-On a late occasion, when the White House was open to the public, a

-farmer from one of the border counties of Virginia told Uncle Abe that

-the Union soldiers, in passing his farm, had helped themselves not only

-to hay, but his horses, and he hoped the President would urge the proper

-officer to consider his claim immediately. "Why, my dear sir," replied

-Uncle Abe, blandly, "I couldn't think of such a thing. If I considered

-individual cases, I should find work for twenty Presidents!" Bowie urged

-his needs persistently; Uncle Abe declined good-naturedly. "But," said

-the persevering sufferer, "couldn't you just give me a line to Colonel

-------- about it? just one line?" "Ha, ha, ha!" responded amiable Uncle

-Abe, shaking himself fervently, and crossing his legs the other way,

-"that reminds me of old Jack Chase out in Illinois." At this the crowd

-huddled forward to listen. "You have seen Jack--I knew him like a

-brother--used to be a lumberman on the Illinois, and he was steady

-and sober, and the best raftsman on the river. It was quite a trick

-twenty-five years ago to take the logs over the rapids, but he was

-skillful, with a raft, and always kept her straight in the channel.

-Finally a steamboat was put on, and Jack--he's dead now, poor

-fellow!--was made captain of her. He used to take the wheel going

-through the rapids. One day, when the boat was plunging and wallowing

-along the boiling current, and Jack's utmost vigilance was exercised to

-keep her in the narrow channel, a boy pulled his coat tail, and hailed

-him with, 'Sir, Mister Captain! I wish you'd just stop your boat a

-minute--I've lost my apple overboard!'"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe on the Whisky Question.

-

-A committee, just previous to the fall of Vicksburg, solicitous for the

-_morale_ of our armies, took it upon themselves to visit the President

-and urge the removal of General Grant. .

-

-"What for?" asked Uncle Abe.

-

-"Why," replied the busy-bodies, "he drinks too much whisky."

-

-"Ah!" rejoined Uncle Abe, "can you inform me gentlemen, where General

-Grant procures his whisky?"

-

-The committee confessed they could not.

-

-"Because," added Uncle Abe, with a merry twinkle in his eye, "If I can

-find out, I'll send a barrel of it to every General in the field!"

-

-The delegation retired in reasonable good order.

-

-

-

-

-Edwards vs. Lincoln.

-

-One day soon after Uncle Abe began the canvass with Judge Douglas

-for the United States Senate, Lincoln, an Editor, accosted Nivian W.

-Edwards, (Uncle Abe's brother-in-law,) as Mr. Lincoln himself.

-

-"Well," said Edwards, "I think I must be growing taller and uglier every

-day, for this is the sixth time I've been taken for Abe within a week."

-

-Notwithstanding Edwards was a Democrat and a joker, Uncle Abe made him a

-commissary in the army.

-

-

-

-

-Metalic Ring.

-

-The new practical postal currency have upon the face, a faint oval

-ring of bronze, encircling the vignette. Uncle Abe being asked its use,

-replied that it was a faint attempt on the part of Mr. Chase, to give

-the new currency a metalic ring.

-

-

-

-

-A Grateful Postmaster.

-

-Said a long legged hoosier, on receiving the appointment of Postmaster,

-in Sangamon County, "I tell you Uncle Abe, you're a hoss," "yes replied

-Uncle Abe, a _draft_ horse."

-

-

-

-

-A Serious Joke.

-

-Washington, February 18, 1864

-

-To Wm. Fishback

-

-When I fixed a _plan_ for an election in Arkansas I did it in ignorance

-that your convention was at the same work. Since I learned the latter

-fact I have been constantly trying to yield my _plan_ to theirs. I have

-sent two letters to General Steel, and three or four dispatches to you

-and others, saying that (General Steel,) must be master, but that it

-will probably be best for him to keep the convention on its own _plan_.

-Some single mind must be master, else there will be no agreement on

-any thing; and General Steel, commanding the military, and being on

-the ground, is the best man to be that master. Even now citizens are

-telegraphing me to postpone the election to a later day than either

-fixed by the Convention or me This discord must be silenced.

-

-A. LINCOLN.

-

-A young Massachusetts soldier, named Merrill, writes a Washington

-correspondent, had on ounce ball pass through his head during the battle

-of Fredericksburg. It entered near his right eye and was extracted

-behind his left ear. Another ball would have entered a vital part of his

-body had it not been arrested by a Testament, in which it lodged.

-When this safeguard was shown to Uncle Abe, he sent to the hospital a

-handsome pocket Bible, in which was written: "Charles V. Merrill, Co. A.

-19th Massachusetts, from A. Lincoln."

-

-"Major-General Grant,--Understanding that your lodgment at Chattanooga

-and Knoxville is now secure I wish to tender you, and all under your

-command, my more than thanks--my profoundest gratitude--for the skill,

-courage, and perseverence with which you and they, over so great

-difficulties, have effected that important object. God bless you all!

-

-"A. LINCOLN."

-

-

-

-

-Fix the Date.

-

-Uncle Abe, was conversing with some friends and remarked, "There's

-a good Time coming," a countryman stepped up to Uncle Abe, and said:

-"Mister, you could'nt fix to date, could yous?"

-

-

-

-

-Rival of Uncle Abe.

-

-Old Abe has got off many good things since he left Springfield, but the

-following equals anything which has proceeded from that veteran joker.

-

-"In the Georgia Legislature, Mr. Linton Stephens, brother of the rebel

-Vice President, introduced a resolution in the House of Representatives

-declaring that peace be officially offered to the enemy after every

-Confederate victory."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Estimate of the Senate.

-

-Uncle Abe, says that in the Senate, he "owns nine of the Senators and

-one-half of another."

-

-"Who owns the other half?" asked a gentleman to whom Uncle Abe was

-speaking. "Henry Wilson of Massachusetts," replied the Chief Magistrate,

-"Wilson is for me," says the President, "before breakfast; rather

-against me while his digestion is going on after it; loves me like pie

-during the hours which he spends visiting the various departments and

-asking for places and patronage; and bitterly my enemy from seven every

-evening until he goes to bed, drops asleep and commences snoring. Wilson

-is carrying water on both shoulders but I guess he'll get a wetting and

-soil his clothes before he gets through."

-

-

-

-

-"Thought he Must be Good for Something."

-

-An Illinois man who had known the "boy Mayor," John Hay, from boyhood,

-was expressing to Uncle Abe, after the massacre at Olustee, some regret

-that he should have supposed him capable of any military position.

-

-"About Hay," said Uncle Abe, "the fact was, I was pretty much like

-Jim Hawks, out in Illinois, who sold a dog to a hunting neighbor, as

-a first-rate coon dog. A few days after, the fellow brought him back,

-saying he 'wasn't worth a cuss for coons.' 'Well,' said Jim, I tried him

-for everything else, and he wasn't worth a d----n, and so I thought he

-_must_ be good for coons.'"

-

-

-

-

-Aptly Said.

-

-To a man who was condoling Uncle Abe on the disaster at Olustee, and

-suggesting how it might have been prevented, he said:

-

-"Your remarks are well intended, doubtless; but they do little less than

-aggravate a thing which I can't help thinking might have been helped.

-It reminds me of a story that I read when I was a boy. An old fellow who

-had clambered rather high into an apple tree, fell and broke his arm.

-A sympathizing and philosophic neighbor, seeing his mishap, went to his

-aid. 'Ah,' said he, 'if you had followed my plan you would have escaped

-this.' 'Indeed, what is your plan?' enquired the groaning man. 'Why,

-never to let go both hands, till you get one hold somewhere else.'"

-

-The would-be Brigadier saw the point, and left.

-

-"I see you've got to the sticking point at last," as the Democrat

-remarked to a slippery Republican, whose team had gone into the ground

-up to the hub.

-

-"They have gone up every Creek and Bayou where it was a little damp."

-

-"Linkums" Sold Cheap.

-

-Daring the Presidential contest of 1860, there was an Italian artist

-of plaster figures in Springfield, who supplied "leetel Linkums," as

-he called his figures, faster than ever Uncle Abe did. He succeeded in

-putting one of these Republican penates into every Republican house in

-town, but they finally became a "drug" in the market. However, he kept

-his "asking price" up; but his selling price was as various as his

-buyers, and hard to deal with.

-

-One day, with a load of these upon his head, he entered a jeweller's

-shop, and accosted the man behind the counter with-- *

-

-"You buys'em leetel Linkums?"

-

-"No--don't want'em."

-

-"Sells'em cheap," persisted the Italian.

-

-"Well, how do you sell to-day?"

-

-"Fifty cent piece."

-

-"I'll give you a dollar for the lot," said A------, expecting to pose

-the Italian.

-

-"You takes'em," greedily exclaimed the artist, and he left Mr. L. A.

-A------n with a lot of plaster on hand which he had hard work to give

-away.

-

-"There's an odor of nationality about those bills, said Secretary Chase,

-showing a lot of the firstlings of his greenbacks to Uncle Abe.

-

-"A very good figure of speech," replied Uncle Abe, "but you must not get

-too many under the public nostril, or your figure of speech will be an

-odor of fact."

-

-April 1, 1862, greenbacks, 100. April 1, 1864, greenbacks, 55.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe as a Pilot.

-

-The captain of one of the Mississippi river steamers one morning, while

-his boat was lying at her moorings at New Orleans, waiting for the tardy

-pilot, who, it appears, was a rather uncertain sort of fellow, saw a

-tall, gaunt Sucker make his appearance before the captain's office, and

-sing out--

-

-"Hello, cap'n! you don't want a pilot nor nothin' about this 'ere craft,

-do ye?"

-

-"How do you know I don't?" responded the captain.

-

-"Oh, you don't understand; I axed you s'posin' you did?"

-

-"Then, supposing I do, what of it?"

-

-"Well," said Uncle Abe, for it was he, "I reckon I know suthin' about

-that ere sort o' business, provided you wanted a feller of jest about my

-size."

-

-The captain gave him a scrutinising glance, and with an expression of

-countenance which seemed to say, "I should pity the steamer that you

-piloted," asked--

-

-"Are you acquainted with the river, and do you know where the snags

-are?"

-

-"Well, ye-as," responded Uncle Abe rather hesitatingly, "I'm pretty well

-acquainted with the river, but the snags, I don't know exactly so much

-about them."

-

-"Don't know about the snags?" exclaimed the captain, contemptuously,

-"don't know about the snags! You'd make a pretty pilot!"

-

-At this Uncle Abe's countenance assumed anything but an angelic

-expression, and with a darkened brow and a fiercely flashing eye, he

-drew himself up to his full height, and indignantly roared back in a

-voice of thunder:

-

-"What do I want to know where the snags are for, old sea-hoss? I know

-where they ain't, and there's where I do my sailing!"

-

-It is sufficient to know that Uncle Abe was promptly engaged, and that

-the captain takes pleasure in saying that he proved himself one of the

-best pilots on the river.

-

-(Wonder if Uncle Abe has forgotten how to sail in clear water? A. A.)

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Valentine.

-

-Uncle Abe on the 14th of last February, received a valentine in the

-shape of a picture of the American eagle, with a financial allusion. The

-bird of freedom appeared to be engaged in picking up gold coin, while

-at the end of the bird most remote from his head there was a pile of

-"green-backs," into which this coin seemed to have been mysteriously

-transmuted.

-

-Uncle Abe, who takes such things philosophically, and always

-acknowledges a palpable hit with grace and good natured cheerfulness,

-went to his Secretary of the Treasury, to exhibit his bird, in order

-that the latter might enjoy the joke with him. Mr. Chase, however, was

-not disposed to take the matter in the same spirit Uncle Abe did; but

-appeared to be much out of humor at this hieroglyphical attack upon his

-department of the government. In tones in which there was evidently a

-slight admixture of irritability, he remarked to Uncle Abe that he would

-like to know who had made this unwarrantable attack upon his financial

-management of the affairs of the nation--that he feared that some of his

-subordinates had got up this libel upon him, and that he would give

-a hundred dollars to know who had done it. Uncle Abe? whose

-question-asking proclivities are well known, said that the offer seemed

-liberal; "but, Mr. Chase," said he, "before I shall make up my mind on

-this subject, will you allow me to ask you one question?" "Certainly,"

-replied the Secretary. "I merely wanted to understand," said Uncle Abe,

-"at which end of the bird you propose to pay?"

-

-"'Et tu Brute?'" responded the head of the Treasury department. "If I am

-thus to be made the subject of ridicule, I must renew my application to

-be relieved from my duties as Secretary."

-

-"O, never mind! never mind! Mr. Secretary," said Uncle Abe, "we can

-soon remedy all these difficulties. All we have to do, after we have

-suppressed this rebellion, is to turn the bird end for end, and let

-the gold and 'greenbacks' remain just as they are and all will come

-out right." The Secretary, restored to good humor, agreed not to resign

-unless Seward did.

-

-"That reminds me of a little story."

-

-

-

-

-"My Mary Ann."

-

-Many months ago the post commander at Cairo was a certain West Point

-colonel of a Northwestern regiment, noted for his soldierly qualities

-and rigid discipline. One day he passed by the barracks and heard a

-group of soldiers singing the well-known street piece, "My Mary Ann."

-An angry shade crossed his brow, and he forthwith ordered the men to

-be placed in the guard-house, where they remained all night The next

-morning he visited them, when one ventured to ask the cause of their

-confinement.

-

-"Cause enough," said the rigid colonel; "you were singing a song in

-derision of Mrs. Colonel B------."

-

-The men replied by roars of laughter, and it was some time before the

-choler of the Colonel could be sufficiently subdued to understand that

-the song was an old one, and sung by half the school-boys in the land,

-or the risibles of the men be calmed down to learn that the colonel's

-wife rejoiced in the name of "Mary Ann."

-

-Uncle Abe made the Colonel a Brigadier the moment he heard this story.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Honor.

-

-At one time Uncle Abe aspired to a position on the bench, and Mrs.

-Lincoln, so as to be prepared for the event, practiced the habit of

-calling her husband "his Honor," or "your Honor," as the case might be.

-Uncle Abe never, however, succeeded to the dignity of the ermine; but

-attending Circuit at Chicago, and stopping at the -------- Hotel, Mrs.

-L. accompanied her husband, as was her custom. Uncle Abe had donned a

-bran new pair of boots, which were anything but comfortable, and almost

-as uncertain as a pair of skates to a learner on the keenest of ice.

-Mrs. Lincoln was enjoying herself in the parlor in a chit-chat with a

-number of other ladies, and putting on as many airs as her provincial

-position in Springfield would admit, when a strange, rumbling sound

-disturbed the pleasant company, who rushed out to learn what was the

-matter. Lo and behold! there was Uncle Abe in the undignified

-predicament of tumbling down stairs and bumping the end of his spine

-upon every step. The new boots, or the swig of forty-rod which he had

-taken in his bed-room, had proved traitor to him. Mrs. Lincoln was

-nearly non-plussed, but exclaimed in a consoling voice, "Is your Honor

-hurt?"

-

-"No," said Uncle Abe, sitting gracefully on the carpet, with legs spread

-out amidst the bevy of tittering damsels, and rubbing the seat of his

-trowsers, "No, my honor is not hurt but my--my--my head is!"

-

-

-

-

-"Smoke That."

-

-During the session of the Legislature of Illinois, in 1836-7, the

-Sangamon County delegation of nine members, became known as the "Long

-Nine," from the fact of their remarkable average height. In this

-delegation were Uncle Abe, Gen. Baker, (killed at Bull's Bluff,) N. W.

-Edwards, (brother-in-law of Uncle Abe, and now Captain commissary,) and

-some others of note in their day. A law had passed the previous session

-to remove the capital from Vandalia to Springfield, to be carried out

-as soon as a new capitol could be built. In the meantime, Gen. W. L. D.

-Ewing, an influential Egyptian member, made periodical efforts to repeal

-the law and keep the capital at Vandalia. During the session of 1837,

-we had a regular tilt with the "long nine," during which, whenever Uncle

-Abe or Gen. Baker made a point, Ewing would be saluted with the cry

-"smoke that!" in allusion to "long nines," a popular kind of cigars used

-at that day. This probably gave rise to saying, "put that in your pipe

-and smoke it."

-

-

-

-

-A Sufficient Reason.

-

-Some one recently asked Uncle Abe why he didn't promote merit? "Because

-merit never helped promote me," said our Uncle Abe.

-

-

-

-

-The Boy and the Bear.

-

-A committee of the enemies of Mr. Chase called on the President just

-after the Pomroy circular was sent forth and advised him to purify his

-cabinet and let Chase go. Old Abe replied that "it is not so easy a

-thing to let Chase go. I am situated very much as the boy was who held

-the bear by the hind legs. I will tell you how it was. There was a very

-vicious bear which, after being some time chased by a couple of boys,

-turned upon his pursuers. The boldest of the two ran up and caught the

-bear by the hind legs, while the other climbed up into a little tree,

-and complacently witnessed the conflict going on beneath, between the

-bear and his companion. The tussel was a sharp one, and the boy, after

-becoming quite exhausted, cried out in alarm, 'Bill, for God's sake

-come down and help me let this darned bear go!' Now, gentlemen," said

-Mr. Lincoln, "you see what a fix I am in--it may be dangerous to hold on

-to Chase, but it will require more assistance than I see at present, to

-help me let him go."

-

-

-

-

-Too Deep.

-

-During the Black Hawk war, when the valiant Illinoisians were in

-hasty retreat from what they thought certain scalping, and the roads

-exclusively bad, in fact, unfathomable mud.--In this predicament,

-the corps in which Uncle Abe was, became somewhat scattered, when the

-officer commanding, called out to the men to form _two deep_. "Blast

-me!" shouted Abe from a slough, in which he was nearly buried, "I am too

-deep already; I am up to the neck."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's First Speech.

-

-When Uncle Abe first made his appearance in the Illinois House of

-Representatives, and was desirous of delivering his sentiments on a

-certain measure, he rose and began:--"Mr. Speaker, _I conceive_----" but

-could go no further. Thrice he repeated unsuccessfully the same attempt;

-when Douglas, who had more confidence, and had been a year longer in the

-House, completely dumbfounded Abe by saying: "Mr. Speaker, The honorable

-gentleman has _conceived three times, and brought forth nothing._"

-

-

-

-

-Cute.

-

-One night Uncle Abe came wet and cold to a cross road tavern in Indiana,

-and found the fire more thoroughly blockaded with Hoosiers than mother

-Welles has been able to blockade the Southern Confederacy. Abe ordered

-the landlord to carry his horse a peck of catfish. "He can't eat

-catfish," said Boniface. "Try him," said Abe, "there's nothing like

-trying." The crowd all rushed after the landlord to see Abe's horse

-eat the peck of catfish. "He won't eat them, as I told you," said the

-landlord, on returning. "Then," coolly responded Uncle Abe, who had

-squatted on the best seat, "bring them to me and I'll eat them myself."

-

-

-

-

-Abe's Spelling.

-

-Being asked by a client in Springfield why he spelled so badly in his

-law papers, Uncle Abe replied, "Because, the Suckers are so cussed mean

-they won't pay for good spelling."

-

-

-

-

-A Soldier's Theory of the War.

-

-The soldiers at Helena, in Arkansas, used to amuse the inhabitants of

-that place, on their first arrival, by telling them yarns, of which the

-following is a sample:

-

-"Some time ago Jeff. Davis got tired of the war and invited President

-Lincoln to meet him on neutral ground to discuss terms of peace. They

-met accordingly, and after a talk, concluded to settle the war by

-dividing the territory and stopping the fighting. The North took the

-Northern States, and the South the Gulf and seaboard Southern States.

-Lincoln took Texas and Missouri, and Davis Kentucky and Tennessee; so

-that all were parcelled off excepting Arkansas. Lincoln did'nt want

-it--Jeff, would'nt have it. Neither would consent to take it, and on

-that they split; and the war has been going on ever since."

-

-

-

-

-Nigger Mathematics.

-

-Uncle Abe was lately visited by one of the "On to Richmond" sword of

-Gideon gentry, who confidently expressed the hope, so common among the

-Abolition noodles, that Lee's army would be "bagged." Uncle Abe grinned

-to the utmost of his classic mouth, and remarked that he was afraid

-there would be too much "nigger mathematics" in it. The visitor smiled

-at the allusion, as he felt bound in politeness to do supposing there

-must be something in it, though he could not see the point. "But I

-suppose you don't know what 'nigger mathematics' is," continued Uncle

-Abe. "Lay down your hat a minute, and I'll tell you." He, himself,

-resumed the sitting posture leaned back in his chair, elevated his heels

-on the table, and went on with his story. "There was a darkey in my

-neighborhood, called Pompey, who, from a certain quickness in figuring

-up the prices of chickens and vegetables, got the reputation of being a

-mathematical genius. Johnson, a darkey preacher, heard of Pompey, and

-called to see him. 'Here ye're a great mat'm'tishum, Pompey.' 'Yes sar,

-you jas try.' 'Well Pompey, Ize compound a problem in mat'matics.' 'All

-right, sar.' 'Now, Pompey, spose dere am tree pigeons sittin' on a rail

-fence, and you fire a gun at'em and shoot one, how many's left?' 'Two,

-ob cooors,' replies Pompey after a little wool scratching. 'Ya-ya-ya,'

-laughs Mr. Johnson; 'I knowed you was a fool, Pompey; dere's _none_

-left--one's dead, and d'udder two's flown away.' "That's what makes me

-say," continued Uncle Abe, "that I am afraid there was too much nigger

-mathematics in the Pennsylvania campaign." And the result showed that in

-this instance, at least, the anecdote suited the fact. Lee's army was

-then three pigeons. One of them was taken down at Gettysburg, but the

-other two flew off over the Potomac.

-

-

-

-

-Long and Short of it.

-

-"Here I am, and here is Mrs. Lincoln, and that's the long and short

-of it."--_Speech of Mr. Lincoln from the balcony of the White House at

-Washington_.

-

-

-

-

-A Handy Faculty.

-

-Whilst Uncle Abe was passing, in his flat-boat, a small town on the

-Wabash, an old chum accosted him from shore thus:--

-

-"Uncle Abe, are you asleep?"

-

-"Why?"

-

-"Because, I want to borrow some whiskey."

-

-"Then" said Abe, "_I am asleep._"

-

-And he rolled over drowsily on the flat-boat, and it passed on.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe on Time.

-

-A Methodist dominie was lecturing Abe on his love of gambling. "Ah

-Abraham, it is a grievous sin--in the first place, consider the loss of

-time."

-

-"Yes," replied Uncle Abe, "I have often begrudged the loss of time--in

-_shuffling and dealing_."

-

-

-

-

-A Story that had no Reminder.

-

-During a conversation which took place between Uncle Abe and a

-distinguished western senator, the recent legislative nominations for

-the next presidency were incidentally referred to. "Yes," said Uncle

-Abe, nursing his leg with evident gratification--"yes senator, the

-current seems to be setting all one way!"

-

-"It does, really, seem to be setting all one way," was the answer of

-the senator; "but, Mr. Lincoln, as you have told me several good stories

-since I have been here, permit me if you please, to tell _you_ one.

-It has always been observed that the Atlantic Ocean, at the Straits

-of Gibraltar, constantly pours into the Mediterranean with tremendous

-volume. The Bosphorus empties into it, at its other end, and rivers are

-seen contributing to its waters all along its coast. It was for many

-years the constant puzzle of geographers, why the Mediterranean, under

-all these accessions, never got full, and overran its banks. After a

-while, however, a curious fellow took the notion of dropping a plummet

-in the center of the Straits, when, lo! he discovered that, though the

-tremendous body of water on the surface was rushing inward from the

-ocean, a still more powerful body was passing outward, in a counter

-current, some twenty feet below!"

-

-"Oh, ah!" said Uncle Abe, seriously, evidently nonplussed, for the first

-time in his life; "that _does not_ remind me of any story I ever heard

-before!"

-

-

-

-

-Has it "Gin Out?"

-

-We do not know what joke Uncle Abe made when he heard the news of the

-surrender of Plymouth. In regard to the Fort Pillow affair he made

-a Bunsby speech, but no joke. His last joke, of which we have any

-knowledge, occurred when Secretary Chase was starting on his trip to

-New York. Uncle Abe is like Cromwell without his military genius, and is

-very fond of playing practical jokes on his associates. It is said that

-after Cromwell had signed the warrant for the execution of King Charles

-he turned round to one of his colleagues and smeared his face with the

-ink. This he thought capital fun. Uncle Abe's jokes are of about the

-same quality. When Chase called upon him to say good bye, the Secretary

-of the Treasury asked for some information about the probable end of

-the war, saying it would help him greatly in getting more money in Wall

-street. "Do you want more money?" asked Lincoln, and then quickly added,

-"What! has the printing machine gin out?" This joke is fully equal to

-Cromwell's.

-

-

-

-

-A Major

-

-At one of Uncle Abe's levees recently, among the Company was a

-Pennsylvania Avenue tailor whom Abe recognized but could not name. "My

-dear Sir} I remember your face, but I forget your name," said Uncle Abe.

-The knight of the needle whispered confidentially into Uncle Abe's ear.

-"I made your breeches." Uncle Abe took him most affectionately by the

-hand and exclaimed enthusiastically "Major Breeches, I am happy to meet

-you at the White House!"

-

-

-

-

-A Dry Drop.

-

-A refugee from Richmond was telling Uncle Abe of the sad state of

-affairs reigning there. Among other things he said liquor was so scarce

-that the rebel President himself could scarcely get a drop to drink.

-

-"He ought not to have a drop _to drink_ in this world or the next," said

-Uncle Abe.

-

-"You are rather severe," replied the refugee.

-

-"Well," said Uncle Abe, "if you think a drop would do him good, let it

-be a drop from the scaffold."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe as a Physiognomist.

-

-While the western governors were in conversation the other day, one of

-them asked him if he remembered a certain Major of the ------ Illinois

-regiment.

-

-Uncle Abe replied that "he could'nt say that he did." The gentleman

-who addressed him then tried to jog the executive memory a little by

-mentioning a circumstance or two connected with the Major's history.

-Finally Uncle Abe remembered him very well--which fact he stated in

-the following graphic language: "O yes, I know who you mean. _It's that

-turkey egg faced fellow that you'd think did'nt know as much as a last

-year's bird's nest_." This was the very individual referred to. It will

-be seen that Uncle Abe has other fortes than statesmanship--and that of

-a physiognoist is one of them.

-

-

-

-

-The Concrete vs. the Abstract.

-

-Dick Yates, the jolly Governor of the Suckers, tells that he called

-on Uncle Abe one morning when he was trying to get the 88,000

-"Hundredazers" accepted, and that during their interview Uncle Abe

-remarked: "Yates, I'll tell you the difference between the concrete and

-the abstract. When the Senate passed a resolution requesting me not to

-appoint any more Brigadiers, as the vacancies were all full, that's the

-concrete. But when a Senator comes up here with a long petition and a

-longer face, requesting me to make a brigadier out of some scallawag of

-a friend of his, as it happens every day--I call that the abstract."

-

-

-

-

-Symptoms of Civilization.

-

-Uncle Abe and his chums were wrecked and swamped once on a trip to

-New Orleans, and having waded ashore, were in search of shelter and

-refreshment, without much prospect of success, in a thickly timbered

-bottom. They had traveled through the forest a long distance, and were

-in despair of finding any human habitation, when they discovered a negro

-hanging on the projecting limb of a tree. "The joy," said Abe, when

-telling the adventure, "which this cheering view excited, cannot be

-described, for it convinced us that we were in a _civilized country._"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe goes into Partnership.

-

-In the days when Uncle Abe plied the flat-boat business on the Wabash

-and Sangamon, he made it a practice to troll for catfish and dispose

-of them to the planters in Mississippi, when passing their plantations.

-This brought him quite a revenue, which was always expended for "forty

-rod" whisky, or the fish were traded off direct for that fluid chain

-lightning. Once while passing the plantation of Mr. Percy, he was bound

-to have some forty rod, and went ashore with a fine lot of fish. A large

-party were assembled at the mansion of the aristocratic Percy; when

-Julius Caesar informed him that Uncle Abe was below with some very fine

-fish. "Well," said Percy, "give him his forty rod as usual, and let him

-go."

-

-"But sah, he won't take it dis time," said the darkey, "he wants a

-hundred lashes on the bare back, well laid on massa." Uncle Abe insisted

-to the surprise of every one on this strange price for his fish, and Mr.

-Percy to humor him, complied, directing the overseer to cut him gently.

-When Uncle Abe had received the fiftieth lash, he cried, "Hold! I have

-got a partner in this business, to whom I have engaged to give half of

-whatever I should get for the fish--this overseer would not admit me

-only on that condition." O course the overseer had his share well paid,

-and Abe got his forty-rod as usual, with something added.

-

-

-

-

-Abe Passing Counterfeit Money.

-

-

-One day a poor woman ran into Uncle Abe's law office in great fright

-exclaiming:--

-

-"Oh, Mr. Lincoln, my boy has swallowed a penny!"

-

-"Was it a counterfeit," coolly asked Mr. Lincoln.

-

-"No, certainly not," replied the woman, somewhat indignantly.

-

-"Oh! well, then _it will pass_, of course," said Uncle Abe.

-

-It is hardly necessary to add that the anxious mother went home

-comforted and that the boy who "swallowed the penny," at the last

-Presidentia-election voted for "Honest Old Abe."

-

-

-

-

-The Wrong Man Poulticed.

-

-At the famous watering place, of the Blue Lick Springs, Uncle Abe

-was severely afflicted with a pain in the stomach, which neither gin

-cock-tails nor other cordials could remove. It was night and he was in

-bed. His loving wife, unwilling to awake the domestics, descended to

-the kitchen, and prepared mustard poultice, which she spread on her own

-handkerchief, and proceeded with it to the distressed Uncle Abe. Before

-leaving him, she left a light dimly burning in the apartment; but deeply

-impressed with anxiety, she was not as careful as she might have been in

-noting the number of her room.

-

-Guided by a light which she saw shining in a chamber, and which she

-supposed was the one she had left, she entered, and gently raising the

-bed clothes, &c., laid the warm poultice upon a stomach but not the

-stomach of Uncle Abe.

-

-"Hello there! What the -------- are you about?" shouted a voice of

-thunder, and the body and sleeves? whence it issued, sprang out of bed.

-

-The lady screamed and ran; Uncle Abe rushed to the rescue from the next

-room, the waiters joined and a small scene ensued, much to the amusement

-of all concerned. The poulticed gentleman had indiscreetly left a light

-in his room, and this lured the lady from her path.

-

-Uncle Abe was so amused and excited by the mistake that he quite forgot

-his pains; but early the next morning, with his wife and trunks,

-left for Springfield, 111. The poulticed man still retains the

-handkerchief--a beautiful cambric--with the lady's name on it, the

-initials of Frances Amelia E. Todd.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe as School Superintendent.

-

-When Uncle Abe kept grocery on the Sangamon he was elected as School

-Superintendent out of his district. It was his duty to examine the

-applicant teachers on mathematics; which he once did in this wise in his

-grocery store. "If two pigs weigh twenty pounds how much will a large

-hog weigh."

-

-"Jump into the scales," said the weilder of the birch, "and I'll soon tell

-you."

-

-Abe did not examine him further in mathematics.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Nose.

-

-Uncle Abe being asked once why he walked so crookedly? said, "Oh my

-nose, you see, is crooked, and I have to follow it!"

-

-

-

-

-Take Away the Fowls.

-

-After Uncle Abe had studied law some time and whilst travelling in the

-Prairie country in Knox County, Illinois, he stopped at the house of

-Mrs. Galt, an old Scotch lady whose husband was largely engaged in wool

-growing. Abe at this time was beginning to be proud of his learning,

-especially of his pronunciation of English. Mrs. Galt when dinner was

-over desired the servant in waiting to take away the fowls, which she,

-(as is sometimes done in Scotland), pronounced _fools_, "I presume,

-madam, you mean fowls" said Abe rather sententiously. "Very well, be it

-so," said Mrs. Galt; "take away the _fowls_, but let the _fool_ remain!"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Well Fed.

-

-Old Whitey, Abe's school master, said to him angrily one day, "Abraham

-you are better fed than taught!"

-

-"Should think I was," said Abe, "as I feed myself and you teach me!"

-

-Uncle Abe says there is a good deal of the devil in the Rebels. They

-sometimes fight like him, frequently run like him, and always lie like

-him.

-

-

-

-

-A Man of Means.

-

-Uncle Abe was asked by a client whether his neighbor Brown was "a man of

-means."

-

-"Well I reckon he ought to be," said Abe, "for he is just the meanest

-man in Springfield."

-

-

-

-

-Call Again.

-

-When Uncle Abe was taken sick recently, and Mrs Lincoln had sent for

-the doctor; Uncle Abe, having an aversion to physic, said, he had better

-call another time, as he was too sick then to joke with him.

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe Swapped when a Baby.

-

-Abe when asked whether he could account for his excessive homeliness

-said "when I was two months old I was the handsomest child in Kentuck,

-but my nigger nurse swapped me off for another boy just to please

-a friend who was going down the river whose child was rather plain

-looking."

-

-

-

-

-Hit at Antietam.

-

-Another story of Uncle Abe, too good to be lost, has leaked out. It

-seems he had accompanied a young lady to one of the hospitals in

-the capitol where the sympathizing creature, as in duty bound became

-interested in a wounded soldier. To all her inquiries as to the location

-of the wound, however, she could only get one reply, thus: "My good

-fellow where were you hit!"

-

-"At Antietam."

-

-"Yes, but where did the bullet strike you?"

-

-"At Antietam."

-

-"But where did it hit you!"

-

-"At Antietam." Becoming discouraged, she deputized Uncle Abe to

-prosecute the inquiry, which he did successfully Upon his rejoining her,

-she was more curious than, ever, when the President, taking both her

-hands in his said in his most impressive style. "My dear girl, the ball

-that hit _him_, would not have injured _you_."

-

-

-

-

-A Poor Crop.

-

-An old acquaintance of Uncle Abe's called upon him a short time since

-with the view to getting hold of a contract. Uncle Abe told him that

-contracts were not what they were in Cameron's time. "In fact," said he,

-"they remind me now of a piece of meadow land on the Sangamon bottoms

-during a drouth."

-

-"How was that?" said the Sucker--"Why," said Abe, looking rather

-quizical, "the grass was so short that they had to lather before they

-could mow it."

-

-

-

-

-Handy in Case of Emergencies.

-

-During the fall of 1863, Uncle Abe was riding on the Virginia side of

-the Potomac, between Arlington Heights and Alexandria, accompanied by

-Dr. N-------- of New Jersey. Passing the huge earth-work fortifications,

-the Doctor observed: "Mr. President, I have never yet been enabled to

-discover the utility of constructing and maintaining those forts. What

-is your opinion about them?"

-

-"Well doctor," replied Uncle Abe, "you are a medical man! and I will ask

-you a question in the line of your profession. Can you tell me the use

-of a man's nipples?"

-

-"No I can't" said the doctor "Well I can tell you," said Uncle

-Abe,--"They would be mighty handy if he happened to have a child."

-

-

-

-

-Value of a Reputation.

-

-A client of Uncle Abe's was tried for stealing, in Springfield,

-Illinois, when it was satisfactorily proven that he had acknowledged the

-theft to several persons. Uncle Abe argued in behalf of his client that

-he was such an abominable liar that no one could believe him and the

-jury ought not to. The judge charged against the prisoner, but to his

-astonishment the jury brought in a verdict that the accused was entirely

-unworthy of belief; and he was therefore acquitted.

-

-

-

-

-Didn't Like the Name.

-

-A young U. S. Officer being indicted at Chicago, for an assault on

-an aged gentleman, Uncle Abe began to open the case thus: "this is an

-indictment against a soldier for assaulting an old man."

-

-"Sir," indignantly interrupted the defendant, "I am no soldier, I am an

-officer!"

-

-"I beg your pardon," said Abe, grinning blandly; "then, gentlemen of the

-jury, this is an indictment against _an officer_, who is _no soldier_,

-for assaulting an old man."

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Good Bye.

-

-When Uncle Abe joined the Sangamon Militia and entered on the Black Hawk

-war campaign, his Colonel was a small snipe of a fellow about four feet

-three inches. Physically, of course, Uncle Abe looked down upon his

-Colonel. Abe had rather a slouching look and gait at that time, and

-attracted by his awkward appearance, the dapper little Colonel thus

-saluted the future Executive and manufacturer of both Colonels and

-Brigadiers. "Come, Uncle Abe, hold up your head; higher, fellow!"

-

-"Yes sir."

-

-"Higher, fellow--higher." Abe stretched his lank neck to its greatest

-altitudinous tension and said, "What--so, Sir?"

-

-"Yes, fellow, a little higher."

-

-"And am I always to remain so?"

-

-"Yes, fellow, certainly!"

-

-"Then," said Uncle Abe, with a woeful countenance, "good bye, Colonel,

-for I shall never see _you again!_"

-

-

-

-

-Uncle Abe's Last.

-

-Yesterday a Western correspondent, in search for something definite in

-relation to the fighting now going on, stepped into the White House and

-asked the President if he had anything authentic from Gen. Grant.

-The President stated that he had not, as Grant, was like the man that

-climbed the pole and then pulled the pole up after him.-- _Washington

-Union, May 16_.

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Lincolniana, by Andrew Adderup

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