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diff --git a/45365/45365-8.txt b/45365/45365-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..93fde46 --- /dev/null +++ b/45365/45365-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5192 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Josh Billings, Hiz Sayings, by Henry Wheeler Shaw
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Josh Billings, Hiz Sayings
+
+Author: Henry Wheeler Shaw
+
+Release Date: April 12, 2014 [EBook #45365]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOSH BILLINGS, HIZ SAYINGS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was
+produced from images generously made available by The
+Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: Josh Billings at home.--Preparing his new Lecture.]
+
+
+
+
+ JOSH BILLINGS,
+
+ Hiz Sayings.
+
+ WITH COMIC ILLUSTRATIONS.
+
+ [Illustration]
+
+ NEW YORK:
+ _Carleton, Publisher, Madison Square._
+
+ LONDON: S. LOW, SON & CO.
+ M DCCC LXX.
+
+
+
+
+ Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1865, by
+ G. W. CARLETON,
+
+ In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the Southern District of
+ New York
+
+
+
+
+ TO
+ DEAKON URIAH BILLINGS,
+
+ (A man ov menny virtues, and sum vices) this book
+ iz completely dedikated--and may he hav
+ the strength tew stand it.
+
+ Hiz own nephew,
+ JOSHUA BILLINGS
+
+Tred litely, dear reader, for the ^way iz ruff. This book waz got up
+tew sell, but if it don't prove tew be a sell, I shan't worry about it.
+
+ J. BILLINGS.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+
+ Page.
+
+ I. JOSH BILLINGS ON THE MULE. 13
+
+ II. JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE. 15
+
+ III. REMARKS. 17
+
+ IV. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 19
+
+ V. A TABLOWS IN 4 ACKS. 22
+
+ VI. FEMALE EDDIKASHUN. 25
+
+ VII. DEPOZETIONS. 28
+
+ VIII. WAR AND ARMY PHRAZES. 31
+
+ IX. PASHUNCE OV JOB. 34
+
+ X. FRIENDLY LETTER. 35
+
+ XI. AFFURISIMS. 37
+
+ XII. JOSH BILLINGS ON CATS. 40
+
+ XIII. REMARKS. 43
+
+ XIV. JOSH BILLINGS ADDRESSES THE BILLINGSVILLE
+ SOWING SOSIETY. 45
+
+ XV. NOSHUNS. 47
+
+ XVI. SAYINS. 51
+
+ XVII. REMARKS. 53
+
+ XVIII. THE DEVIL'S PUTTY AND VARNISH. 56
+
+ XIX. MANIFEST DESTINY 59
+
+ XX. ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS. 62
+
+ XXI. ON DOGS. 64
+
+ XXII. SAYINGS OF JOSH BILLINGS. 67
+
+ XXIII. FASHION. 70
+
+ XXIV. REMARKS. 73
+
+ XXV. PROVERBIAL PIG. 75
+
+ XXVI. PROVERBS. 77
+
+ XXVII. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 79
+
+ XXVIII. PROVERBS OF THE BILLINGS FAMILY. 82
+
+ XXIX. A FU REMARKS. 85
+
+ XXX. A LEKTURE TEW MALE YUNG MEN ONLY. 87
+
+ XXXI. CLEVER FELLOWS. 90
+
+ XXXII. AFFERISIMS. 92
+
+ XXXIII. ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS. 94
+
+ XXXIV. A SHORT AND VERY AFFEKTING ESSA
+ ON MAN. 97
+
+ XXXV. THE RASE KOARSE. 100
+
+ XXXVI. "GIV THE DEVIL HIZ DUE." 106
+
+ XXXVII. WATCH DOGS. 108
+
+ XXXVIII. ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS. 110
+
+ XXXIX. REMARKS. 113
+
+ XL. AN ESSA ONTO MUSIK. 117
+
+ XLI. "MAN WAZ MADE TEW MOURN." 120
+
+ XLII. PROVERBS. 122
+
+ XLIII. KISSING CONSIDERED. 124
+
+ XLIV. FOR A FU MINNITS AMONG THE SPEERITS. 128
+
+ XLV. SAYINGS. 131
+
+ XLVI. JOSH GOES TO LONG BRANCH. 133
+
+ XLVII. TO MY LADY CORRESPONDENTS. 137
+
+ XLVIII. ON WIDDERS. 140
+
+ XLIX. THINGS THAT I DON'T HANKER AFTER
+ TO SEE. 143
+
+ L. ON COURTING. 145
+
+ LI. REMARKS. 149
+
+ LII. THE FAULT FINDER. 152
+
+ LIII. PROVERBS. 154
+
+ LIV. KOLIDING. 156
+
+ LV. ON SNAIKS AND MUDTURKLES. 157
+
+ LVI. TRUE BILLS. 161
+
+ LVII. NARRATIF. 163
+
+ LVIII. PHOTOGRAPHS. 167
+
+ LIX. AFFERISIMS. 169
+
+ LX. JOSH GITS ORFULLY BIT. 172
+
+ LXI. THINGS THAT SUIT ME. 174
+
+ LXII. MY FIRST GONG. 176
+
+ LXIII. PROVERBS. 178
+
+ LXIV. DISIPLIN IZ EVRATHING--IN 2 PARTS. 181
+
+ LXV. CORRESPONDENTS. 183
+
+ LXVI. JOSH BILLINGS AT SARATOGA SPRINGS. 186
+
+ LXVII. NOT ENNY SHANGHI FOR ME. 189
+
+ LXVIII. IS DISPOSING OF THINGS FOR CHARITABLE
+ PURPOSES BI "LOT" A SIN. 191
+
+ LXIX. ADVERTIZEMENT. 193
+
+ LXX. OUT WEST. 196
+
+ LXXI. SAYINS. 198
+
+ LXXII. A WIMMIN'S LEAGUE MEETIN. 200
+
+ LXXIII. A TRUE FISH STORY FOUNDED ON FAK. 203
+
+ LXXIV. AT SARATOGA SPRINGS. 205
+
+ LXXV. SPIRITUAL BELIEF OV THE BILLINGSES. 208
+
+ LXXVI. JOSH BILLINGS CORRESPONDS WITH A
+ "HAIR OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN." 209
+
+ LXXVII. PROVERBS. 213
+
+ LXXVIII. DOMESTIK RECEIPTS IN FULL. 216
+
+ LXXIX. FAKS. 218
+
+ LXXX. ON LECTURES. 219
+
+ LXXXI. YANKEE NOSHUNS. 222
+
+ LXXXII. ATTENTION! SQUAD! 224
+
+ LXXXIII. THE FUST BABY. 226
+
+ LXXXIV. LAUGHING. 228
+
+ LXXXV. PIONEERS. 229
+
+
+
+
+JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+
+
+I.
+
+JOSH BILLINGS ON THE MULE.
+
+
+The mule is haf hoss, and haf Jackass, and then kums tu a full stop,
+natur diskovering her mistake. Tha weigh more, akordin tu their heft,
+than enny other kreetur, except a crowbar. Tha kant hear enny quicker,
+nor further than the hoss, yet their ears are big enuff for snow shoes.
+You kan trust them with enny one whose life aint worth enny more than
+the mules. The only wa tu keep them into a paster, is tu turn them
+into a medder jineing, and let them jump out. Tha are reddy for use,
+just as soon as they will du tu abuse. Tha haint got enny friends, and
+will live on huckel berry brush, with an ockasional chanse at Kanada
+thissels. Tha are a modern invenshun, i dont think the Bible deludes tu
+them at tall. Tha sel for more money than enny other domestik animile.
+Yu kant tell their age by looking into their mouth, enny more than you
+kould a Mexican cannons. Tha never hav no dissease that a good club
+wont heal. If tha ever die tha must kum rite tu life agin, for i never
+herd nobody sa "ded mule." Tha are like sum men, very korrupt at harte;
+ive known them tu be good mules for 6 months, just tu git a good chanse
+to kick sumbody. I never owned one, nor never mean to, unless there is
+a United Staits law passed, requiring it. The only reason why tha are
+pashunt, is bekause tha are ashamed ov themselfs. I have seen eddikated
+mules in a sirkus. Tha kould kick, and bite, tremenjis. I would not sa
+what I am forced tu sa again the mule, if his birth want an outrage,
+and man want tu blame for it. Enny man who is willing tu drive a mule,
+ought to be exempt by law from running for the legislatur. Tha are the
+strongest creeturs on earth, and heaviest, ackording tu their sise; I
+herd tell ov one who fell oph from the tow path, on the Eri kanawl, and
+sunk as soon as he touched bottom, but he kept rite on towing the boat
+tu the nex stashun, breathing thru his ears, which stuck out ov the
+water about 2 feet 6 inches; i did'nt see this did, but an auctioneer
+told me ov it, and i never knew an auctioneer tu lie unless it was
+absolutely convenient.
+
+
+
+
+II.
+
+JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE.
+
+
+I kum to the conclusion, lately, that life waz so onsartin, that the
+only wa for me tu stand a fair chance with other folks, was to git my
+life insured, and so i kalled on the Agent of the "Garden Angel life
+insurance Co.," and answered the following questions, which waz put tu
+me over the top ov a pair of goold specks, by a slik little fat old
+feller, with a little round gray head, and az pretty a little belly on
+him az enny man ever owned:--
+
+
+QUESTIONS.
+
+1st--Are yu mail or femail? if so, Pleze state how long you have been
+so.
+
+2d--Are yu subjec tu fits, and if so, do yu hav more than one at a time?
+
+3d--What is yure precise fiteing weight?
+
+4th--Did yu ever have enny ancestors, and if so, how much?
+
+5th--What iz yure legal opinion ov the constitutionality ov the 10
+commandments!
+
+6th--Du yu ever hav enny nite mares?
+
+7th--Are you married and single, or are yu a Bachelor?
+
+8th--Do yu beleave in a futer state? if yu du, state it.
+
+9th--What are yure private sentiments about a rush ov rats tu the head;
+can it be did successfully?
+
+10th--Hav yu ever committed suiside, and if so, how did it seem to
+affect yu?
+
+After answering the above questions, like a man in the confirmatif, the
+slik little fat old fellow with goold specks on, ced I was insured for
+life, and proberly would remain so for a term ov years. I thanked him,
+and smiled one ov my moste pensive smiles.
+
+
+
+
+III.
+
+REMARKS.
+
+
+Tha tell me that them who hav the _harte diseaze_ are liable tu di at
+enny time, but i hav known thousands tew reach a mean old age with it.
+
+
+Fust appearances are ced tu be everything. I dont put all mi fathe into
+this saying; i think oysters and klams, for instanze, will bear looking
+into.
+
+
+It strains a man's philosophee the wust kind tew laff when he gits beat.
+
+
+Love aint one ov the vartues, bekauze it kant be controlled.
+
+
+Wimmin are like flowers, a little dust ov squeezing makes them the more
+fragrant.
+
+Charitee kant alwus be administered delikately. If you want to
+extrikate a crab from a dilemmer, yu hav got to take holt ov him just
+rite.
+
+
+Men liv tu a _ripe_ old age bi keeping _green_.
+
+
+Dont hav enny more sekrets than yu kan keep yureself.
+
+
+"Truth is mitey and will prevail;" so iz cider mitey, but yu hav got
+tew tap the barrell before it will prevale.
+
+
+
+
+IV.
+
+ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
+
+
+"_Amelia._"--Yure inquiry, about the moste best time tu marry, dus yu
+grate credit, it iz a subject which i hav swet over a good deal, and i
+am real glad you spoke about it, mi spase wont allow me tu go into the
+thing, clean up to the hub, az i wud like tu, but in a few wurds, i
+will sa, i hav alwus considered cool weather, the moste best time.
+
+
+_"Fred."_--Yu aint obliged tu ask a gals mother, if yu ma go home
+with her from a partee, git the gals endorsement, and sale in; it iz
+proper enuff tu ask her tu take yure arm, but you haint got no rite tu
+put yure arm around her waste, unless yu meet a Bear on the rode, and
+then yu are bound tu take yure arm away, just az soon az the Bear gits
+safely by.
+
+
+"_Whip._"--Yu are rite. Mules live tu a long age, iv'e known them
+miself, tu live 100 years, and not half tri. Yu are rite also, about
+their being sure footed, iv'e known them tu kick a man, twise in a
+sekund, 10 feet oph.
+
+
+"_Gertrude._"--Yure inquiry stumps me, the darndest. The more i think
+on it, the more i kant tell. Az near az i kan rekolek now, i think i
+dont kno. Much mite be ced both ways, and neether wa be rite. Upon the
+whole i rather reckon i wud, or i wuddent, jist az i thought best, or
+otherwise.
+
+
+"_Plutark._"--Yu'are mistaken, the Shakers dont marry. If young
+Shakers fall in luv tha are sot tu weeding onions, and that kures them
+forthwithly. I kant tell yu now, how much it dus kost tu jine the
+Shakers but i beleave the expenze used tu be, inkluding having yure
+hair cut and larning how tu danse, about $65,00. I disreckoleckt what
+their religun iz, but if mi memry sarves me rite, it iz making almitey
+good brooms, and sellin devilish poor grape cuttings, for 75 cents a
+foot.
+
+
+"_Sportsman._"--Yure inquiry iz not edzackly in mi line, but i haste
+tu repli, as follers, to wit: The rite length tu cut oph a dog's tale
+haz never yet bin fully diskovered, but iz undoubtedly somewhare bak ov
+hiz ears, provided yu git the dog's consent. N. B.--It aint absolutely
+necessara the dog's consent should be in riteing.
+
+
+"_Kate._"--I think Lord Biron waz the author ov the lines yu speke ov;
+'twas either him or 'twas Captain Kid, one or tother. Biron waz dredful
+limber at riteing potri, so waz Kidd, but Biron waz the limberest.
+
+
+
+
+V.
+
+A TABLOWS IN 4 ACKS
+
+
+_Ack Fust._--Enter a lap dorg, carrying a boarding skool miss in his
+arms, about 16 hands high--it makes the dorg puff--the dorg lays down
+the boarding skool miss, and orders mint juleks for 2, with the usual
+suckshun. The dorg begins tew loll, the boarding skool miss tells
+him "tew dri up," (in French,) and the dorg sez "he be darned if he
+will," (in Dorg.) [Grate sensashun among the awjence, with cries, "put
+him out!"] Finally a compromize iz affected, the boarding skool miss
+kisses the dorg, with tears in his eyes. Konlusion--Lap dorg diskovers
+a wicked flee at work on his tale--pursues him--round and round tha
+go--dorg a leettle ahead--sumbody hollers out, "mad dorg!"--boarding
+skool girl faints standing--the curtin drops.
+
+_Ack number 2._--Curtin highsts--sevral blind men in the distanse,
+looking thru a key whole--one ov them sez, "he don't see it!"
+A shanghi ruseter cums out, with epaulets on, and crows Yankee
+Doodle--musik bi the band. The shanghi lays an egg on the stage, about
+the size ov a wasps nest, and then limps oph, very much tired and
+redused. Curtin falls agin.
+
+_Ack number 3._--Curtin rizes sloly--big bolona sarsage on a
+tabel--bolona sarsage lifts up her hed, and begins tew bark--band plays
+"Old Dorg Tray." Cat cums in--cat's tail begins tew swell bad--bolona
+sarsage and cat haz a fite--tha fite 14 rounds--the stage iz covered
+with cats and dorgs. Konlusion--tha awl jine hands, and walk tew the
+foot lights--an old Bull Tarrier reads the President's call for "300,
+000 more"--band plays "Go in Lemons!"--a bell rings, and the curtin
+drops.
+
+_Ack number 4._--A scene on the Eri kanall--a terribel storm rages--the
+kanall acks bad--sevral line botes go down hed fust, with awl their
+boarders on board--kant make a lee shore--tha drag their ankers--sum
+ov the kaptins tri tew pra, but moste ov them hav the best luck at
+swareing--the water iz strewd with pots and kittles--sevral ov the cook
+maids swim ashore, with their cook stoves in their teeth--tha hav tew
+draw oph the kanal tew stop the storm. Konlusion--men are seen along
+on the banks ov the kanall spearing ded hosses and eels--band plays "a
+life on the oshun wave." Amid tremduous applauze the curtin falls, and
+the awjence disperce, single file.
+
+[Illustration: Josh Billings' advice.
+
+and
+
+Answers to Correspondents.--_See pages_ 19, 20.]
+
+
+
+
+VI.
+
+FEMALE EDDIKASHUN.
+
+
+Thare iz so mutch ced about the importanze ov female eddikashun, now a
+daze, that a near-sighted person wud suppoze that wimmin was running
+tu waist. The more that wimmin ar elevated, the more men ar histed
+up too, so tha sa, and them who maik this statement, ain't fur from
+out ov the wa fur men hav bin clus after the wimmin, ever sinse humin
+beins waz perpetrated. Dear reader, dear, don't be maid a fool uv, by
+beleaving for the space ov a half-grown seckond, that Josh Billings,
+(more properly Joshua Billings, Esq.,) don't love, respeck, adore, and
+worship the sex, and ain't willing tu fite, even with the belly-ake
+onto him, two hundred pounds ov any kind ov man, in behalf ov enny
+vartuous, and worthy, or even good-looking woman.
+
+I beleave in femail eddikashun, clear up tu the handle, provided
+the woman hankers for it, but if she don't hanker for it, i kant
+see why she shud be histed up into a posishun, where men has got to
+cease luving her, just in proposhun az tha are asked to wonder at
+her. Tha tell us that thare aint enny posishun that man kan fill, but
+what wimmin kan fill it tu; but iz that enny reson why it iz best to
+prove it. I haven't enny doubt, that you could eddicate wimmin so
+muchly, that tha wouldn't kno enny more about getting dinner, than
+sum ministers ov the gospil kno about preaching, and while tha mite
+translate one ov Virgils ecklogs tu a spot, tha couldn't translate a
+baby out ov a kradle, without letting it cum apart.
+
+I hold that natur haz its laws and programmy, all the wa down, from
+the biling over ov a volkano tu the wiggle ov a lam's tale.--Suppose
+you shud take 100 yung injuns and eddikate them tu the highest
+pint, and then turn them luce! 95 ov them wud throw a blanket ontu
+their shoulders, bid fair-well tu civilizashun, and dive intu the
+wildnerness; the uther 5 wud wander about among the pail faces, az far
+from hum az a Bufferlo wud be among a herd ov short tailed durhams.
+I believe in femail eddikashun, but i had ruther a woman cud beet me
+nussing a baby than tu feel that she cud beet me or enny other man in
+a stump speech or a lektur on veteranara praktiss.
+
+If Billings understands human natur, and he thinks he duz, thare aint
+nothing that a true woman luvs more than the hole ov a man's harte;
+and, in order tu git this, she haz got tu kno less than he duz, or maik
+him think so. I thank the lord that thare aint menny wimmin in the
+wurld who want tu know evry thing. I kalkerlate that 9 out ov evry 10
+ov the wimmin who luv their huzbands and glory in their children, will
+sa that tha had ruther be looked down upon in luving tenderniss than tu
+be looked up tu in silent aw.
+
+If Josh Billings haz ced a wurd, in what he haz now rit, wich iz
+kalkulated tu damp the arder ov one single aspirin' woman, he iz reddy
+tu shed tears, but i hav alwus thort that the very highly eddikated
+wimmin work best in single harniss. In konklusion, i sa, elevate the
+wimmin, but if their heds and their hartes bekum antagonicks in the
+operashun, i shall continner tu think that luv, swapped for wizdom, iz
+a doutful gain to the wimmin and a pozatif loss to us poor mail-claid
+devils. Mi christian friends, ajew!
+
+
+
+
+VII.
+
+DEPOZETIONS.
+
+
+Josh Billings being duly sworn deposes as follows.
+
+ That, John Brown haz halted a fu days for refreshment.
+
+ That, moste men had ruther sa a smart thing than tew dew a good one.
+
+ That, baksliding iz a big thing, espeshila on ice.
+
+ That, a live traitor smells wuss than a ded one.
+
+ That, there iz 2 things in this life for which we are never fully
+ prepared, and that iz twins.
+
+ That, yu kant judge a man bi hiz religgun eny more than yu kan judge
+ hiz shurt bi the size ov the collar and ristbands.
+
+ That, the devil iz alwus prepared tew see kompany.
+
+ That, it iz treating a man like a dog tew cut him oph short in hiz
+ narrative.
+
+ That, "ignoranse iz bliss," ignoranse of sawing wood, for instanse.
+
+ That, menny will fale tew be saved simpla bekause tha haint got
+ ennything tew saive.
+
+ That, the vartues ov woman are awl her own, but her frailities hav bin
+ taught her.
+
+ That, dry _pastors_ are the best for flocks; flocks ov sheep i mean.
+
+ That, men ov genius are like eagles, tha live on what tha kill, while
+ men ov talents are like crows, tha live on what haz bin killed for
+ them.
+
+ That, some peoples are fond ov bragging about their ansesstors, and
+ their grate descent, when in fack, their _grate descent_ iz jist
+ what's the matter ov them.
+
+ That, a woman kant keep a sekret nor let ennybody else keep one.
+
+ That, "a little larning iz a dangerous thing"; this iz az tru az it iz
+ common.
+
+ That, sider brandee taken inwardly in large quantitys iz good--for a
+ rat hole.
+
+ That, a grate menny folks have bin eddikated oph from their feet.
+
+
+
+
+VIII.
+
+WAR AND ARMY PHRAZES.
+
+
+ "A suckcessful Rade,"--cutting oph a turnpike within the enama's
+ lines, and bringing in a blind mule, and 2 niggers tu board.
+
+ "Reserv'd Korps,"--this i take it means our ophisers; who die at the
+ tavern stands, and are stuffed, and cent home tu berry.
+
+ "Bace of supplize,"--Unkle Samuel's pocket-Book.
+
+ "Pickitts,"--these are surplus chaps, who ar cent out tu borry
+ turbacker, and to see if the kussed rebels hav got enny pass.
+
+ "An Armstise,"--giving the enema tu chances tu git licked instead ov
+ one.
+
+ "Militara Stratergee,"--trying to reduse a swamp by ketching the
+ bilyus fever out ov it.
+
+ "Lite Hoss Calvary,"--picked men who ride the hosses tu drink, when
+ tha git thin.
+
+ "Rekrutin Ophisers,"--individuals who are cent into the rural
+ destriks, on a furlong, to rekrute--themselfs.
+
+ "Armee Rashuns,"--back pay, and preserved beef!
+
+ "Quartring on the enemee,"--this phraze is defunkted, bekaze its
+ contraree tu Hoyle.
+
+ "War Hoops,"--jist the things fur a hot da, the injuns used tu hav
+ them.
+
+ "Corte Marshall,"--where tha tri the misdemeners out ov an ophiser, so
+ that he'll du to promoat.
+
+ "Forage Partee,"--Them who goes out to kech a hastack, and gits lost
+ in a forage ov treeze and haint been herd from sinse.
+
+ "On tu Richmond,"--that's tu sa if the kussed rebels will allow it.
+
+ "Parralel lines,"--are them kind of lines that never cum together.
+
+ "Militara necessita,"--ten ophisers and a gallon ov whiski to every
+ three privates.
+
+ "Onluce the dogs ov war;"--but muzzle the darn kritters; if you don't,
+ somebody will get hurt.
+
+ "War of Exterminashun,"--this fraze belongs holey tu the Kommissara
+ Department.
+
+ "Advance Gard,"--this is a gard tha hav tu hav in our army tu keep our
+ fellers from pichin in tu the enema frontwards.
+
+ "Rere Gard,"--this is a gard that hav tu keep our fellers, when tha
+ are surrounded from pitching intu the enema backwards.
+
+ "Awl quiet on the Potermuck,"--this shows what perfect subjekshun our
+ fellers are under.
+
+
+
+
+IX
+
+PASHUNCE OV JOB.
+
+
+Evryboddy iz in the habit ov bragging on Job, and Job did hav
+konsiderable bile pashunce, that's a fac, but did he ever keep a
+distrik skule for 8 dollars a month, and borde 'round? Did he ever reap
+lodged oats down hill in a hot da, and hav all hiz gallus buttons bust
+oph at once? Did he ever hav the jumpin teethake, and be made tu tend
+baby while hiz wife was over tu Perkinses tu a teasquall? Did he ever
+git up in the morning awful dri and turf it 3 miles befoar brekfast tu
+git a drink, and find that the man kep a tempranse hous? Did he ever
+undertaik tu milk a kicking hefer with a bushy tail, in fli time, out
+in the lot? Did he ever sot down onto a litter ov kittens in the old
+rockin cheer, with hiz summer pantyloons on without saing "damnashun!"
+If he cud du all theze things, and praze the Lord at the same time, all
+i hav got tu sa, iz, _Bully for Job_!
+
+
+
+
+X.
+
+FRIENDLY LETTER.
+
+
+FRIEND ELIAS:--You ask me menny questions about the draft that
+bothers me. It iz curis how it duz act, but it waz jist so in scripter
+times, "2 wimmin waz at a mill a grinding (corn i reckon), one waz
+took, and t'other want took." There aint enny dout but the draft iz
+for 3 years, or thereabouts, but i think a person would hav a rite to
+sell out hiz chanse at enny time during the 3 years, or thereabouts,
+for a premium, provided he could show tu the government that he waz
+conscientzly oppozed tu hard tak and bilyus fever.
+
+Again: Aleyens aint liable for the draft, espeshila if tha cum from the
+city ov Ireland, and hav bin in the habit, for the laste 5 years, ov
+voting the democratic ticket.
+
+Againly: Widder-wimmin, and their only son iz exempt, provided the
+widder's husband haz alreddy sarved 2 years in the war, and iz willing
+tu go agin, i beleave the supreme corte haz desided this thing forever.
+
+Onse more: If a drafted man shud run awa with hiz draft, he proberly
+wouldn't ever be allowed to stand a draft agin, this looks severe at
+fust site, but the more yu look at it, the more yu can see the wisdom
+into it.
+
+Onse morely: Xempts are thoze who hav bin drafted into the stait
+prizzen, for triing tu git an honest living bi supporting 2 wives at
+onst; also, all them people who are crazee, and unsound on the goose;
+also, all nusepaper korrespondents and fools in general.
+
+Onse morely again: No substidude will be acksepted, who iz less than
+3, or more than 10 feet high, he must know how to chaw terbacker and
+drink whiskee, and must'nt be afeered ov the itch nor the rebels. Moral
+Karakter aint required, the government furnishes that, and rashuns.
+
+Conclusively: No person kan be drafted but twice in 2 different plases
+without hiz consent, but awl men haz a rite tu be drafted at least
+onst; i don't think even a rit ov habus corpus could deprive a man ov
+this laste, blessed privlege.
+
+
+
+
+XI.
+
+AFFURISMS.
+
+
+ Truth iz the onla thing I kno ov that kant be improved upon.
+
+ If yu want tew git a sure krop, and a big yield for the seed, sow
+ wilde oats.
+
+ An insult tew one man iz an insult tew aul men.
+
+ Cunning is curiosity satisfied, and curiosity satisfied iz wisdom.
+
+ Wize men don't expeck tu do away with the visisitudes ov life, they
+ onla expeck tew blunt the edge ov them.
+
+ Yu kan gorge avaris, but ambishun knows no gorge but the grave.
+
+ A sarkastic wit iz a kind ov human pole-cat.
+
+ If thare is enny thing on this arth that angels kant imitate 'tis a
+ vartuous yung man trampling temtashun under hiz feet.
+
+ I had rather be a reseiver ov stolen goods than the keeper ov men's
+ sekrets.
+
+ Fame iz jist about az mutch use tew a ded man as 5.20's wud be,
+ interest payable in goold.
+
+ Sum people hav the power ov saing a good deal in a fu words, while
+ others hav the power ov saing a little in a good menny wurds.
+
+ Slander iz played on a tin horn, while truth steals forth like the
+ dieing song ov a lute.
+
+ Yu kan judge ov sum men's karakters onla bi what they eat and drink.
+
+ "Truth iz stranger than ficshun"--that iz tew sum folks.
+
+ I hav found a grate menny things in this wurld that waz _free_--free
+ az a well tew git into, but like a rat trap, not edzackly free tu git
+ out ov.
+
+ "Meet me bi moonlite alone," iz awl well enuff under sum
+ circumstances; but moonlite me for meat alone, iz not so well ennuff,
+ under enny circumstances.
+
+ I don't kno ov but one thing on arth that kan improve a good wife, and
+ that iz buty.
+
+ After you hav made up yure mind jist what you are going to du, then iz
+ a good time tew dew it.
+
+ We often hear ov men, who hav cum within an inch ov dieing, and i
+ haint enny dout thare iz sum, that evry boddy wuld lik tew hear had
+ cum within an inch ov bein born.
+
+ "The lapse ov ages," iz a pleasant thing tew dwell upon, but after
+ awl, verry mutch depends upon the ages ov the laps.
+
+ It iz not differkult tew find augers that wont bore, but yu seldom cum
+ across a bore that wont auger.
+
+ "Faith that iz founded on an arnest and truthful convickshun, iz
+ butiful tu behold; but faith that iz founded simpla on courage, aint
+ enny thing more than good grit."
+
+
+
+
+XII.
+
+JOSH BILLINGS ON CATS.
+
+
+[Illustration: Josh Billings on Cats.--_See page_ 40.]
+
+I hav studdyed cats clussly for years, and hav found them adikted tew a
+wild state. Tha haint got affekshun, nor vartues ov enny kind, tha will
+skratch their best friends, and wont ketch mice unless tha are hungry.
+It haz bin sed that tha are good tu make up into sassages; but this
+iz a grate mistake, i hav bin told bi a sassage maker that tha dont
+kompare with dogs. Thare is one thing sartin, tha are verry anxious
+tew liv, yu ma turn one inside out, and hang him up bi the tale, and
+az soon az yu are out ov sight, he will manage tew turn back summerset
+and cum around awl rite in a fu days. It iz verry hard wurk tew looze
+a cat. If one gits carried oph in a bag bi mistake a grate ways into
+the kuntry, tha wont sta lost onla a short time, but soon appear tew
+make the family happy with their presence. Old maids are very fond
+ov cats, for the reason i suppose that cats never marry if tha hav
+ever so good a chanse. Thare iz one thing about cats i dont like, if
+yu step on their tales by acksident tha git mad rite oph, and make a
+grate fuss about it. Thare iz anuther thing about them which makes them
+a good investment for poor folks. A pair ov cats will yield each year,
+without any outlay, something like eight hundred per cat. It iz a verry
+singular fack that cats dont like a mill-pond, i never knu one tew git
+drowned bi acksident. Tha luv cream, but it seems tew be agin their
+religgun tew tutch soap. Cats and dogs have never bin able tew agree
+on the main question, tha both seem tew want the affirmatiff side to
+onst. I think if i could hav mi way thare wouldn't be enny more cats
+born unless tha could sho a certifikate ov good moral karakter. Thare
+is one more thing about cats which seems tew me tew be awl affektashun,
+and that iz making sich a devlish noise under a fellers window nights,
+and then kall it musik. If i waz tew hav mi choise between a cat and a
+striped snake, i would take the snake bekause I could git rid ov the
+snake bi letting him go. Thare aint no sartin wa tew kill a cat, if yu
+git one wurked up into sassage, and yu think yu are awl right, jist
+az likely az not tha will cum to and take off a whole lot of good
+sassage with them.--Theze are mi views about cats, rather hastily hove
+together, and if i haint said enuff agin them it iz onla bekause i lack
+the informashun.
+
+
+
+
+XIII.
+
+REMARKS.
+
+
+ Impudense iz the affek ov tew _little_ knollege, and modesta, iz az
+ often the affek ov tew _mutch_.
+
+ We dont question a persons rite tew be a fule, but if he klaims
+ wisdom, we kompare it with our own.
+
+ Not one man in a thousand iz known while living, yet awl expeck tew be
+ well remembered, when tha are ded.
+
+ Men are very often ashamed tu tell the truth, bekause tha dont kno how.
+
+ Moste ov the advise we reseave from others, iz not so mutch an
+ evidense ov their affeckshun for us, az it iz an evidense ov their
+ affeckshun for themselves.
+
+ Aul ov us komplain ov the shortness ov life, yet we all waste more
+ time than we uze.
+
+ Aboutaz good a wa az enny tew be happee, iz tew pity thoze who are
+ below us, and forgit that there iz enny boddy above us.
+
+ Wit iz a pleasant surprize ov Truth.
+
+ No man haz a rite tu be proud till he bekums entirely vartuous, and
+ then he wont feel like being proud.
+
+ The power ov oratory lays more in the manner, than in the matter;
+ yu kant reduse it tew riting, enny more than yu kan pla a streak ov
+ lightning on a hand organ.
+
+ Sum folks when tha fite, will throw the fust brik bat tha kan git hold
+ ov, jist so sum folks will du when tha argy.
+
+ Epitaff--here lies John Ferguson, Esq., died wurth half a
+ million--less the kingdom ov heaven.
+
+ Avaris eats up all the good things in a man, and then feeds on his
+ vices.
+
+
+
+
+XIV.
+
+JOSH BILLINGS ADDRESSES THE "FEMAIL BILLINGSVILLE SOWING SOSIETY."
+
+
+FELLER SISTERS:--When I caste mi eye on a sirkle of luvely
+wimmin bizzy with their needles, mi harte seems tew stretch clean
+akross mi buzzum. And when i reflek for a minnit, that tha are tew
+work for nothing, and find themselfs, and that a yung heathin stans
+reddy yelping around the corner, for the very shirt tha are wurking
+on, it duz seem tu me, that i cud shout hozzanner for 3 weeks on a
+strech. Feller Sisters, yu kan kount on Josh Billings az a frend; he
+luves charitee, az a pup hankers for nu milk; his verry natur looks out
+onto the horizen ov the poor folks, jist as the lite ov a tin lantern
+shines akross a bog meddow. And he sees the little bare bak yung ones
+shivering for a krust ov bread, and hungry for a shirt; then he looks
+at the Sisters, a talking and sowing, and sowing and talking, and he
+kounts a hole parcil ov little shirts on the tabil, and then he thinks
+ov the widders cruise, and the bred hove onto the waters, menshioned
+in the good Book, and he feels jist az tho he wud like tew own awl
+the femail sowing sosieties in the wurld hisself, and put hiz hole
+fortin in the little reddy made cottin shirt bizziness. Oh Charitee!
+Oh Charitee! When Josh Billings communes with you, he feals az tho he
+had jist been tried out, and sot awa tew cool. Feller Sisters don't
+be skeered, let the ritch and the hawty stik up their nozes, and let
+the eddicated larf. Josh wud like no better fun than jiss to bet his
+9 dollars, that enny Sister, in full communion with this ere sowing
+sosiety, who puts in full time, and cuts the cotting tew advantage, wil
+git her final reward. Tew konklude, Feller Sisters, pitch in; remember
+Mr. Lots wife, she that was salted for looken bak. Cum together arly,
+and oftin, buy yure cottin by the pease; be keerful how yu deal out
+youre shirts, for thare iz evry now and then a bogus heathin. Stan
+bi yure konstitushion, and bi laws, dew awl this, and the "Femail
+Billingsville Sowing Sosiety" will go down tew futer prosterita, like a
+wide-awake torchlite possession. I bid yu tenderla ajew.
+
+
+
+
+XV.
+
+NOSHUNS.
+
+
+YANKEE NOSHUNS.
+
+In gazeing at the different kind ov noshuns that prevale jist now,
+we are struck with the vitality, and permiskuousness, ov the Yankee
+noshuns. These are a kind ov noshuns that reside in Nu England, but
+travel awl over the world. They are for the present known az the lead
+gimblet, the basswood sperm-kandle, and the sole leather juise harp
+noshun, relieved at times, by the hickory lossenge, the charkole led
+pensil, and the lard bears ile noshun, and okasionally interlined, tew
+keep up the appetite, with paper razor straps, plaster-paris sheep
+shears, and the sour milk opedeldock noshun, which iz warranted tew
+kure the attack ov a 50 cent shinplaster, in 4 seckunds; to which has
+lately bin added pewter jak knives, with pork rhine handles, and itch
+intement, made out ov strong butter, and lamblak. Yankee noshuns are
+the affek ov tew mutch genius.
+
+
+HOSS NOSHUNS.
+
+It iz really curis how folks differ in their noshuns about hosses, sum
+wants a bob-tailed hoss, and sum dont, sum wants a bay, and sum wants a
+yaller, and sum wants any culler so bad that they hav tew be sent tew
+state prizon, tew be healed ov their pashion for the nobel animal, the
+hoss. I knu ov one old feller who waz very noshunal, he wouldn't hav a
+hoss only jist so high, he never stabled him, and let him git hiz own
+fodder, he kept him for 47 years, and the hoss outlived him, the last
+time I saw the hoss he waz alive, but poor az wood; the old feller
+called the hoss "saw-buck," and sed he waz sired bi carpenter, out ov a
+white ash skantling. Hoss noshuns are well enuff, but they never ought
+tew be allowed tew interfere with a man's final salvashun.
+
+
+RUM NOSHUNS.
+
+[Illustration: Josh Billings on trotting horses.--_See page 63._]
+
+Perhaps thare iz no subjek that moste men agree on so well bi the
+gallon, but when it comes down tew a drink, that they are so full ov
+noshuns about, az their rum. I hav seen lots ov old-fashioned people,
+who never thought ov drinking tanzy, unless they put rum into it,
+and wouldn't no more drink a gin-coktale without nutmeg on the top ov
+it, than they would skim milk. Then agin their iz sum who must hav
+Jamaka, or the bronkeetis, one, or tuther; and sum who must hav the
+belly-ake 3 or 4 times a day, or they kant relish brandee and sugar.
+But thare waz one beardless boy, over whose hed skase 14 summers
+had melted, who beats them awl, he aktually hove a fust class mint
+julek away, and called for anuther, jist bekause it wouldn't suk fast
+enuff, through the straw; I call this letting a man's good sense git
+the better ov his judgment. Rum noshuns are like gitting struk with
+litening, the theory iz well enuff, but the praktis is a bad one tew
+git into.
+
+
+RELIGIOUS CREED NOSHUNS.
+
+The idee that thare iz onla one way tew git tew Heaven iz awl rong,
+but the idee that there iz but one Heaven tew git tew, iz awl right.
+Az a gineral thing nations go tew war for the most ornary things, so
+men will fite the wust kind, for a religious noshun, that they hain't
+got the fust smell of. I dont care, for mi part, whether a man iz a
+piscopaleyen, or a soft shell baptiss, nor I don't think the Lord duz
+nuther. Religious creed noshuns for man, are like the scent the foxes
+leave for the hounds, the less thare iz ov it, the more kerful the dorg
+hunts, and the less likely he iz tew take enny uther trak.
+
+
+
+
+XVI.
+
+SAYINS.
+
+
+ If yu hav got a real good wife, kepe perfectly still, and thank God
+ evry twenty minnitts for it.
+
+ A man with one idee alwus put me in mind ov an old goose a tryin to
+ hatch out a paving stun.
+
+ "Honesta is the best polisy," but dont take mi wurd for it, tri it.
+
+ Menny a book has bin writ, which proved tu be an obituara notis ov the
+ author.
+
+ Tha tells us "that munny is the rute ov all evil;" and then tell us
+ "tu rute hog or di."
+
+ A man running for offiss puts me in minde ov a dog that's lost--he
+ smells ov everybody he meets, and wags hisself all over.
+
+ Look out, galls! the Jack of hartes is alwus a nave.
+
+ Gravity is very often mistakin for wisdum, but thare is as much differ
+ as thare is between a gide board and the man who maid it.
+
+ Evra man has a goose that lays golden eggs, if he only nu it.
+
+
+
+
+XVII.
+
+ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS.
+
+
+ "_Lines tu a sleeping infant_, bi Alice," receaved. Tha are tender,
+ dredful tender, almost tu tender, tu keep thru this hot spel; yu hav
+ talons ov the highest order, but yu must kross yure t's, or yu kant
+ suckeed in portri; good bi Alice!
+
+ "_Reverie ov a Bachelor_," Anonimous.--Received, and kontents
+ noted. Thare iz only one trubble with this produckshun, which time
+ will correckt, and that iz, "it wont du at all for our collums,"
+ respekfully declined, (on the part ov the edditurs, by J. B.) on
+ account ov its length and thickness.
+
+ "_The Sea, the roarin Sea._"--A sublime standzas, wurth at least 7
+ dollars, intended, undoubtedly, for _The Atlantic Monthly_, and cent
+ tu us bi mistake, we wud like tu accept it, but dassent, fur fere
+ folks mite sa we stole it.
+
+ "_Will yu Kiss me Dearest_," Bi Mary Ann.--Acksepted. We take all them
+ kind ov chanses. The potri ain't fust rate, but we expect the kissin
+ kan't be beat, till then, fair Maid ajew!
+
+ "_A gealogikal synopsorum ov the heavenly spears_," Bi Paul
+ Vernon--Will appere in our nex issu. This writer haz attaked a subjeck
+ ov grate differkilty, with the biggest kind ov energee, and haz
+ suckceeded; his thesis is admirable, hiz argyment iz clus, and his
+ stile is camphene. We sa "Mount Vernon! on eagil wings, beyond the
+ klouds, and paint yure name rite over the top ov the door that leads
+ tu glory, Mount Vernon, mi boy!" We predick grate poplarity for this
+ writer, if he aint kut oph by a frost.
+
+ "_A Prairie on fire_," Bi Diogoneze.--Rejeckted to onst. Tu hot for
+ the sezon--cool artikles take the best now. It made me swet tu rede
+ the manuskrip. "Dont despair Diogoneze," if yu find literature aint
+ yure stile, tri sawing wood; iv'e known hundreds ov men make a dust
+ sawing wood, who want worth a cuss tu write for the nusepapirs.
+
+ "_Wait a little longer_," Bi Eugene.--This potri wants greasing. Thare
+ aint nothin so eaza tu rite az potri, if yu know how. Our advise tu
+ this author iz tu take pills, and if tha dont release him ov his
+ potri, he kan konklude he haz got the potri dizeaze the natral wa, and
+ iz liable tu brake out at sumtime.
+
+ In konklusion, Fustly, we would sa tu moste writers, "write often, and
+ publish seldom." Secondly, tu sum writers, "write seldom and publish
+ seldemmer."
+
+
+
+
+XVIII.
+
+THE DEVIL'S PUTTY AND VARNISH.
+
+
+When a man cums tew the konklusion that he would like tew kill sumboddy
+at thirty paces, he imagines that he haz bin wronged, and sends hiz
+best friend a challenge tew fite a dewell; tha meet, and an elegant
+murder iz committed; the cracks, in this transaktion are puttyed up,
+and then varnished over, bi being kalled, "_an affair ov honnor_." When
+a man robs a saving bank, or goes tew urope on the last steamer, with
+the stolen reseipts ov a sanitary kommittee in his pocket, a kommittee
+ov investigashun are got together tew examine the stait ov affairs, and
+unanimously report "_a diskrepansy in hiz akounts_." 2 yung men hire a
+hoss and buggy at a livri stable, and go into the kuntry on Sunda. Tha
+stop at the fust tavern tha meet, and invest in sum ardent speerits.
+They stop agin pretty soon, and histe in sum more ardent speerits.
+The more tha histe in, the more tha drive, till bi and bi a devilish
+bridge tips them over into a devilish gutter that sumboddy haz left
+bi the side ov the road, and tha are awl killed, including the hoss
+and buggy. This is kalled a "_Fatal acksident_." A man and hiz wife
+are living in the middle ov joy and consolashun, tha are surrounded on
+awl sides bi a yung and interesting familee, their bread iz cut thin,
+and buttered on both sides and the edges, but the destroyer enters the
+family, the wife wants a nu silk gown, the man sez he "be d--d if she
+duz," and she "be d--d if she dont." One word brings on another, till
+tha fite, both ov them lose awl the hair in their heds, and 2 full
+setts ov false teeth, the thing ends in a divorse, the man runs awa tew
+Australia bi the overland route, the woman marry's a cirkus rider at
+40 Dollars a month, the children are adopted bi sum sunda school, and
+are brought up on homopathy. This furnishes a collum and a half in the
+nusepaper, under the hed ov "_Disturbanse ov the marrid relation_." A
+youth ov 21 summer begins life with 36 thousand dollars. Sevral fast
+hosses belong tew him, there iz sevral fast wimmin that he belongs tew,
+awl the tavern keepers are hiz patrons, faro banks are bilt for hiz
+amuzement, consolidated lotterys are chartered on purpiss tew make
+him happee; nothing iz left undun tew make him feel good. He wakes up
+about the 25th ov next May, without a dollar in hiz pocket, and a host
+ov warm friends on hiz hands, without enny visible means ov supporting
+them. He takes an akount ov stock, he buys a pint ov rum and 4 yards
+ov bed kord, the one makes him limber, while the other makes him
+stiff. The putty and varnish in this kase iz, "_Driven tew desperashun
+on akount of finanshul preshure_." A rale rode trane stands snorting
+in front ov the depoe, the last bel iz ringing, the kars are full ov
+souls that belong tew different individuals, the konducktor iz full
+ov Bourbon, that belongs tew the devil, the engineer labors under an
+attack ov Jamaka for the broketis, the switchmen likes a leetle good
+old rye, the kars diskount 45 miles a hour, 2 trains tri tew pass each
+other on the same track; it kant be did suckcessfully; the mangled and
+ded are kounted bi skores, a searching investigashun takes plase, the
+community iz satizfied, bekause it waz, "_an unavoidable katastrophe_."
+The Devil furnishes putty and varnish, free ov expense, tew hide the
+frauds and guilt ov men. Aul ov which iz respekfully committed Bi
+
+ JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+
+
+XIX.
+
+MANIFEST DESTINY.
+
+
+Manifest destiny iz the science ov going tew the devil, or enny other
+place before yu git thare. I may be rong in this centiment, but that iz
+the way it strikes me, and i am so put together that when enny thing
+strikes me i immejiately strike back. Manifest destiny mite perhaps be
+blocked out agin az the condishun that man and things find themselfs in
+with a ring in their nozes and sumboddy hold ov the ring. I may be rong
+agin, but if i am, awl i hav got tew sa iz, i don't kno it, and what
+a man don't kno ain't no damage tew enny boddy else. The tru way that
+manifess destiny had better be sot down iz, the exact distance that
+a frog kan jump down hill with a striped snake after him; i dont kno
+but i may be wrong onst more, but if the frog don't git ketcthed the
+destiny iz jist what he iz a looking for.
+
+When a man falls into the bottom ov a well and makes up hiz minde tew
+stay thare, that ain't manifess destiny enny more than having yure
+hair cut short iz; but if he almoste gits out and then falls down in
+agin 16 foot deeper and brakes off his neck twice in the same plase
+and dies and iz buried thare at low water, that iz manifess destiny
+on the square. Standing behind a bull in fly time and gitting kicked
+twice at one time, must feel a good deal like manifess destiny. Being
+about 10 seckunds tew late tew git an express train, and then chasing
+the train with yure wife, and an umbreller in yure hands, in a hot
+day, and not getting az near tew the train az you waz when yu started,
+looks a leetle like manifess destiny on a rale rode trak. Going into a
+tempranse house and calling for a little old Bourbon on ice, and being
+told in a mild way that "the Bourbon iz jist out, but they hav got
+sum gin that cost 72 cents a gallon in Paris," sounds tew me like the
+manifess destiny ovmoste tempranse houses.
+
+Mi dear reader, don't beleave in manifess destiny untill yu see it.
+Thare iz such a thing az manifess destiny, but when it occurs it iz
+like the number ov rings on the rakoon's tale, ov no grate consequense
+onla for ornament. Man wan't made for a machine, if he waz, it waz a
+locomotiff machine, and manifess destiny must git oph from the trak
+when the bell rings, or git knocked higher than the price ov gold.
+Manifess destiny iz a disseaze, but it iz eazy tew heal; i hav seen
+it in its wust stages cured bi sawing a cord ov dri hickory wood. I
+thought i had it onse, it broke out in the shape ov poetry; i sent a
+speciment ov the disseaze tew a magazine, the magazine man wrote me nex
+day as follers,
+
+"_Dear Sur_ Yu may be a dam phule, but yu are no poeck. Yures, in
+haste."
+
+
+
+
+XX.
+
+ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS.
+
+
+Perkins.--I hav red yure peace, on "Wimmins Rites," thru, and thru, and
+must say that i luv it. In mi opinyun, wimmin haz a rite to tu dew enny
+thing well, but saw wood; sawin wood, ain't their stile; speshially if
+the sawbuk iz a high one, it must mortify them the wust wa.
+
+
+Harrold.--Yure genus iz not fully born yet, when it gits awl born,
+i think yu will be a poeck. Yu hav got imaginashun enuff tew keep a
+livery stable. Yure landguage iz a leetle too florid; did you ever
+travel in Florida? Tri agin--I notis one ov yure lines, haz 10 feet
+into it, and the nex one, haz only got 9 feet, six inches. Sum poiks
+air born, and sum are manafaktured; the manafaktured ones, are the
+moste stiddyest, tha aint so ap tew hanker after mint juleps. Yu ought
+to go up garrett when yu praktis, moste awl good poeckry haz bin rit
+up garrett.
+
+
+Hard Road.--Yure essa has sum good hits intu it, but iz not jis the
+thing for a religus nuzepaper, like ours; send it tu "Wilkes Spirit," a
+paper that knows how tu talk hoss. I will merely suggess, that pedigree
+iz not important for a fast trotting hoss; if he kan trot fast, never
+minde the pedigree. Thare iz a grate menny fast men, even, who haint
+got no pedigree. Thare aint mutch art in driving a trotting hoss, jist
+hold them bak hard, and holler them ahead hard, thats awl. A hoss
+will trot the fastest down hill, espeshila, if the briching brakes.
+Kuller is no kriterion. I hav seen awful mean hosses, ov awl kullers,
+excep green, i never cee a mean one ov this kuller. Hosses liv tew
+an honarabil old age, and i hav often seen them, that apeared fully
+prepared for deth. Heathins are alwus kind tew hosses; it iz only among
+christian people, that a hoss haz tew trot 3 mile heats, in a hot da,
+for $25,000 in kounterfit munny.
+
+
+
+
+XXI.
+
+ON DOGS.
+
+ When fickle frends and fickler fortin fales,
+ Dogs, unfickle still, for you will wag their tales.
+
+
+Dogs are various in kind, and thanks tew an allwise Providence, tha are
+various in number. Tha are the onla animil ov the brute perswashun,
+who hav voluntary left a wilde stait ov natur, and cum in under the
+flag ov man. Tha are not vagabones bi choise, and luv tew belong tu
+sumbody. This fac endears them tew us, and i hav alwas rated the dog
+az about the seventh cusin tew the humain specious. Tha kant talk, but
+tha kan lick yure hand, this shows that their hearts iz in the plase
+where uther folks' tungs iz. Dogs in the lump are useful, but tha are
+not alwas proffittable in the lump. The Nufoundlin dog is useful tew
+saive childiren from drowning, but yu hav got tew hav a pond or water,
+and children running around kareless, or else the dog aint profitable.
+Thare aint nothing maid boarding a Nufoundlin dog. Rat Tarries air
+useful tew kech rats, but the rats aint proffittable after yu hav
+keched them. The Shepard dog is useful tew drive sheep, but if yu hav
+got tew go and buy a flock ov sheep, and pay more than tha are wurth,
+jist to keep the dog bizzy, the dog aint proffittable, not mutch. Lap
+dogs are very useful, but if yu dont hold them in yure lap awl the
+time, tha aint proffittable at all. Bull dogs are extremely useful, but
+yu hav got tew keep a bull too, or else yu kant make ennything on the
+dog. The Coach dog iz one ov the moste usefullest ov dogs i kno ov,
+but yu hav got to hav a coach, (and that aint alwus pleasant) or yu
+kant realize from the dog. Thus we cee, that while dogs are ginerally
+useful, thare are times, when tha aint ginerally proffittable. I dont
+really luv a Yaller dog, nor a mad dog, but with these two unfortunate
+excepshuns, it is dredful hard work for me to sa a hard word agin a
+dog; the wag ov their tails is what takes me. Enny man who will abuze
+a dog, neadn't ask me to luv him, or pra for him. Enny man who will
+abuze a dog will abuse a woman, and enny man who will abuse a woman is
+thirty-five or forty miles meaner than--a pale paller dog. These are
+my centiments, and i shant change them, until i receive notice that the
+camel has smoothed down the hump on his back, and the sarpent ceases
+tew wiggle when he wanders.
+
+
+
+
+XXII.
+
+SAYINGS OF JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+ I think the fools do more hurt in this world than the raskals.
+
+ The prinsipal differense between a luxury and a necesaary iz, the
+ prise.
+
+ Awl men hav cunning, and sum men hav wisdum.
+
+ If I aint mistaken, the best wa tew git religion, iz tew git honesta,
+ and truth, and a sprinklin ov morality fust, and see how they agree
+ with us.
+
+ What a man spends in this life, he saves: what he dont git want ment
+ for him, and what he saves, he loozes.
+
+ Fame iz like a crop ov kanada thissells, very eazy tew sow, but hard
+ tew reap.
+
+ "Familiarity breeds contempt." this iz so--jist as soon az we git
+ familiarized with castor ile, for instance we contempt it.
+
+ Life is short, but it iz long enuff to ruin enny man who wants tew be
+ ruined.
+
+ When the soul iz in grief, it iz taking root, and when it iz in
+ smiles, it iz taking wing.
+
+ The grate art in writing well, iz tew kno when tew stop.
+
+ Every time yu forgive a man yu weaken him, and strengthen yurself.
+
+ Mi private opinion iz, that i should prefer boned fish tew boned
+ turkey.
+
+ "Giv the devil his due," but be very kerful that thare aint mutch due
+ him.
+
+ It haz bin obsarved, "that corporashuns haint got enny souls." Thare
+ iz excepshuns tew this rule, for i kno ov several that hav got the
+ meanest kind ov souls.
+
+ After a man has rode fast onse, he never wants tew go slow agin.
+
+ "Sparks fly upward." Old maids will pleaze make a note ov this.
+
+ "What will it proffit a man, if he gain the whole wurld, and loze his
+ own soul? i answer, nothing: but thare are cases, whare thare wouldn't
+ be enny loss tew speek ov.
+
+ "Think twice before yu speak onse," but don't think, "d--n it."
+
+ Thare iz onla one thing that i blame Adam for, and that iz, when he
+ had the onla woman on arth, he didn't git her warranted.
+
+
+
+
+XXIII.
+
+FASHION.
+
+
+Fashion is a compound mixtur ov much taist, and sum vanitee. The taist
+that is into it, saives it from ridikule. Fashun iz just az necessara
+tu govern men and wimmin with, az sivil law; in fack menny folks wud
+ruther brake a statu than tu ware a cut tale tu short, or a bunnet tu
+obtuze.
+
+Exsentrisity iz one thing, and fashun iz anuther thing. We haint got
+no more rite tu laff at fashun, than we hav tu laff at vittels. What
+a man, or woman eats, if it iz well cooked, iz all rite, and what tha
+ware, if it iz well cooked, is ditto.--After fashuns hav had their da,
+then iz the time tu despize them; just so it iz with vittels; cold
+vittels for instanze.
+
+Nobody iz tu blame for old fashuns. If our grate grand mother shud
+meet our present mother, both ov them dressed in the fashun ov their
+respektif daze, tha wud go tu kalling each other old Fools, and we
+should stan by, and offer tu bet on it. If evry boddy had a fashun ov
+their own, it wud make az mutch trubble az a shinplaster kurrensy. Them
+that sett the fashun, aught tu be vartuous and big minded, bekauze the
+morals ov a people are just about az mutch inflooensed by fashun az tha
+are by religun. In them daze, when tha had no partiklar fashun, tha
+didn't hav partiklar enny thing else. It iz more evidense ov vanitee to
+rejek fashun, than it iz tu adopt it.
+
+Evra boddy, more or lessly, hankers after fashun. Fashun makes the
+poor ambishus, and it makes the rich affabil; it makes the vartuous
+cheerful, and it makes the humbly kind ov handsum, and thare iz no
+reson why it shud make the modest bold, enny more than elegense shud
+make the butiful wicked. Thare has alwus bin wolfs in sheeps clothing,
+and fashun will okasionally be used for the same purpis, but that aint
+enny reson why mutton aint good, nor why fashun shud be hipokrasy.
+Bekauze sum peopil are slaves tu fashun only proves its power, and yu
+will find that thoze who are its slaves are ginerally free from moste
+ov the big sins that humin natur iz subjec tu. The big minded, and the
+noble, adopt fashun jist az tha du enny uther proper kustom, simpla
+bekause it iz the fashun.
+
+It is tru that sum ov the fashuns are absurd, and it is tru that sum ov
+the vartues are absurd also. If a fashun kant be maid tu square itself
+tu the rules ov either good cense or good taist, it aint fashun, it is
+consait. A grate menny folks ced that whoops was a failure, but tha
+held their own, and grew nisely; tha are realy evra thing in a hot da.
+I shud like tu set in one all thru Juli and August; a feller wud be as
+cool as a dog's nose in a wire muzzel.
+
+The essa is thru.
+
+[Illustration: The occasional effect of Santa Cruz Rum on a gentleman
+of genial spirits.--_See page 80._]
+
+
+
+
+XXIV.
+
+REMARKS.
+
+
+ Marrying a woman for her munny is vera mutch like setting a rat-trap,
+ and baiting it with yure own finger.
+
+ "Between tew evils chuze the least." Brandee and gin, for instance,
+ which will yu hav?
+
+ Perhaps sum philosophick mind kan tell me why the Jews never eat whats
+ on the left side ov a baked goose.
+
+ If men had a good deal more faith than tha had kommon sense, moste ov
+ them wud expek tu liv, as Eliger ov old did.
+
+ When a man's harte gits up into his hed, his charitees will smell
+ tu mutch ov wisdom; and when his hed gits down into his harte, his
+ wisdom smells tu much ov charitee.
+
+ I wud as soon take a ten dollar kounterfit bill on the Kodfish Bank
+ ov Nufoundland, as tu marry a woman with false hare, false teeth or a
+ false buzzum.
+
+ Men don't repli tu real sarkasm.
+
+ Ginowine proverbs ar like good kambrick needles--short, sharp, and
+ shiny.
+
+ The fust man who was born inter the wurld, killed the sekund one, and
+ i aint sure but it wud hav bin a good plan if the men had tuk their
+ turns at killing ever sinse.
+
+ Art improves a diamond, but kant make one.
+
+ "Gra hares are honarabil," but I kno ov a grate menny gra _heds_ that
+ the devil will keep under a glas kase, tu sho the curous in theze
+ matters.
+
+
+
+
+XXV.
+
+PROVERBIAL PIG.
+
+
+Az the white rose wakens intu buty, so dus the white Pig cum tu gladden
+us. His ears are like the lilac leaf, played upon bi the young zephurs
+at eventide, his silkaness is the woof ov buty, and his figger is the
+outline ov lovlaness. His food is white nectar, drawn from the full
+fountain ov affecshun. He waxes fatter, and more slik, evra da, and
+hangs from the buzzum ov his muther like an image ov alabastur. He
+laffeth at forms, and curleth his tale still clusser, as his feast
+goeth on, then he riseth with gladness, and wandereth with his kindred,
+beside the still waters. His brothers and sisters are az like him as
+flakes ov snow, and all the day long, amung the red klover, and beneath
+the white thorn, he maketh his joy, and leadeth a life arkadian. His
+words are low musik, and his language the untutored freshness ov natur.
+His pastime is the history ov innersence, and his lessure is elaganse.
+He walketh whare grase leadeth, and gambles tew the dallianse ov dewy
+fragranse. He gathereth straws in his mouth, and hasteneth awa on
+errants ov gladness. He listeneth tu the reproof of hiz parent; his
+ackshuns are the laws ov perliteness, and his logick is the power ov
+instinkt. His datime is pease and his evening is gentle forgitfullness.
+As he taketh on years, he loveth kool plases, and delveth in liquids,
+and stirreth the arth tew a fatness, and painteth hisself in dark
+cullers, a reffuge from flize, and the torments ov life. He forgetteth
+his parent, and bekumeth his own master, and larneth the mistery ov
+food, and groweth hugely. Men gaze at his porkyness, and kount his
+vallu bi pounds, and la in wate for him, and sacrifise him, and give
+his flesh salt for its safety. This is Pig life.
+
+
+
+
+XXVI.
+
+PROVERBS.
+
+
+ Preeching the gospel for nothin, is easy enuff, but preeching it fur 5
+ thousand a yere, and hav it sute, is anuther thing entirely.
+
+ A ded traitor makes a sweete korps.
+
+ Matches, ma be _made_ in heavin, but tha ar ginerally _sold_ down here.
+
+ Yu ma make a whissel out ov a pig's tale, but if you du, you'll find
+ you've spilte a verry worthy tale, and got a devilish poor whissel.
+
+ I consait thare is this difference between bashfullness, and modesta,
+ the one soon wares oph, the other never dus.
+
+ A vartuous, and ekonomikal, and knooing, and butiful woman is--_is_,
+ all that kan be sed on the subjec.
+
+ Fitckshun is a kind ov haf wa hous, betwen the temples ov Truth and
+ Fallshood, whare the good and the bad meet tu lie a little.
+
+ Praing, and Charitee, ought tu be dun on the sli.
+
+ The moste intensely butiful scene i ever perused, was a clene, fat,
+ haf dressed baby, on the floor, kicking up its little heels, and
+ pounding a lookin glass, and a gold watch together.
+
+ Munny is like promises, easier maid than kept.
+
+ The fules in this wurld make about as much trubble as the wicked du.
+
+ Misfortin and twins hardly ever cum singly.
+
+
+
+
+XXVII.
+
+ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
+
+
+_Bolivar._--Yu are rite about it, courtin a yung widder iz no boys
+play. Yu hav got to stick and hang. Feed them well, and take them
+tu the circus, and go out into the avenu with a kupple ov blood ba
+lightning calculators, that's the wa! Dont waste enny time waiting
+for a full moon nuther. Widders luv oysters and gass lite the best.
+Dont flatter them much, but pitch in, and rush matters. Menny a widder
+has bin lost, bi fuleing around, gitting reddy tu court. Maids luv
+centiment, but widders luv muscle.
+
+
+_Fanny._--Pork and beans are good, that's a fack, but yu must go down
+suller and eat them, don't let ennybody cee yu du it. Sassage grease iz
+ap tu rise on the stummuk, and if yu eat raw onions, and dont swaller
+them hull, tha are ap tu make yure breth defensive, so tha sa. If yu
+want tew katch yure bo, run rite tuther wa, and skream a small-sized
+skream, and dont look bak till yu katch him. If yure bo wants tew marry
+yu, and yu ar enny whar near reddy, it iz a good genral rule tew let
+him du it.
+
+
+_David._--The best kind ov a dog tew hav for awl purposes iz a wooden
+one. Tha dont kost much, and aint liable tew git out ov repair. They
+are easy kep, and yu alwus kno whare tu find them. Tha aint kross tu
+children when yu step on their tales. Bi awl means git a small one. I
+never knu one ov this breed tu foller ennybody oph.
+
+
+_Citizen._--I think yu hav cum tu just konklusion from the premisis.
+Yu sa, "enny man who will chaw plug terbakker, will drink santa kruize
+rum; enny man who will drink santa kruize rum, will go tew the devil;
+and enny man who will go tu the devil, is mean enuff tu du enny thing."
+Bi thunder, i think yure more than 3/4 rite, I will think the thing
+over clus, and if i find you are rite, i'll telegraff tew yu.
+
+
+_Richard._--Thare aint no sich thing az a munny aristokrat in this free
+Amerikan land ov freedum. If a man knows more than anuther man, he has
+got a rite tew throw his hed bak and brag onto it a little. But if a
+man haint got onla munny, he haint got no more rite tu brag onto it
+then he wud hav tu brag onto a big pile ov manure that wanted spreading.
+
+
+_Gipsey._--I kant giv yu enny partikler rule for riteing for the
+nuzepapers. Korrekt spelling iz the verry bowels ov suckcess. This
+art is onkomon hard tew obtain; but few ever reach it and liv. If yu
+want yure name tew go down tu posterita untarnished, dont rite for the
+nusepapers, but go and hav yure name painted in red letters onto a
+board, and la it awa up garrett.
+
+
+
+
+XXVIII.
+
+PROVERBS OF THE BILLINGS FAMILY.
+
+
+ Humin natur is the same all over the world, cept in Nu England, and
+ thar its akordin tu sarcumstances.
+
+ A kodfish aristokrat alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man a tryin tu
+ walk a krack.
+
+ Rum is good in its plase, and hel is the plase for it.
+
+ Akordin tu skripter thar will be just about as many Kammills in heavin
+ as rich men.
+
+ When yu korte a widder, yu want tu du it with spurs on.
+
+ Larfin at yure own story, while yu are tellin on it, is a good dele
+ like firing a gun oph thru the tuch hole.
+
+ A pet lam, alwus makes a kross ram.
+
+ A live harte sumtimes gits intu a ded body, so dus perls git intu
+ jersa clams.
+
+ "Glory enuff for one da," attendin a nigger kamp meeting.
+
+ He who skorns to be inflooensed at tall by fashun is a wize fool.
+
+ I am prepaired tu say tu sevin ov the rich men out ov evry ten, makes
+ the most ov yure money for it makes the most ov yu.
+
+ If i had a boy who didn't lie well enuff tu sute me, i wud set him tu
+ tendin a retale dri good store.
+
+ Man was kreated a little lower than the angells and has bin gittin a
+ little lower ever sinse.
+
+ The moste oneasy kreetur i ever perused, was a bob tale bull, in fli
+ time.
+
+ When a feller gits a goin down hil, it dus seem as tho evry thing had
+ bin greased for the okashun.
+
+ I hav known folks whose _calibre_ was very small, but whose _bore_ was
+ very big.
+
+ The meanest man i ever nu was the one who stole a suggar whissel from
+ a nigger baby tu sweeten a kup ov rye koffee with.
+
+ Pluk is a nise kompound ov pride, vanitee and vartue.
+
+ Robbers are like rane, tha fall on the just and the unjust.
+
+ We hate those who will not take our advise, and despise them who do.
+
+
+
+
+XXIX.
+
+A FU REMARKS.
+
+
+ Moral swashun consis in asking a man tu do what he aught tu do without
+ askin, and then beggin hiz pardon if he refuses tu do it.
+
+ I hav finally kum tu the konklusion, that a good reliable sett ov
+ bowels, iz wurth more tu a man, than enny quantity ov brains.
+
+ Musick hath charms tu soothe a savage; this may be so, but i wud
+ rather tri a revolver on him fust.
+
+ It alwus seemed to me that a left handed fiddler must pla the tune
+ backwards.
+
+ I hav often bin told that the best wa iz tu take a "Bull bi the
+ horns," but i think in many instanzes i shud prefer the "tale holt."
+
+ The fust law ov natur iz tu steal; the sekund law is tu hide, and the
+ third iz tu--steal agin.
+
+ Poverta acts the same onta a man's branes, az exercise dus onto hiz
+ boddy, gives an appetite.
+
+ I never could cee any use in making wooden gods mail and femail.
+
+ If the harte iz rite, the hed cant be very rong.
+
+ Tha tell me that femails are so skarse, in the far western country,
+ that a grate menny married wimmin are alreddy engaged tu their sekund
+ and third husbands.
+
+N. B. The above remarks are not intended to be personal.
+
+
+
+
+XXX.
+
+A LEKTURE TO MALE YOUNG MEN ONLY.
+
+
+Yu are about 2 begin life, yung men, for the fust time, and I suppose
+thare wud be no impropriety in mi saing, for the last time tew. It is
+hily important or thereabouts, that yu set down in sum kool plase,
+and take an honest akount ov stok, or in other wurds, less poetick
+but equally tru, yu sarch out the ramifikashun ov natur, and see what
+natur haz ramified yu for. Now skriptur will tell yu, that men don't
+gether pigs from thissels, neither dus the husband, nor hiz wife, nor
+enny ov his relashuns, plant korn when tha are after pumpkins, nor
+sow bukwheat, when he iz a lookin for old rye. Kauze and affeck iz
+anuther awful good thing to studdy; yu will find this talked ov in Dan
+Webster's dicktionary. Having follered the above advise, and having
+hefted the above reasoning, yu will cum tew the konklusion, whether
+it iz best for yu tu studdy law, or studdy shumaking, both ov them
+honerabil biznisses, and equally kondusiv tew helth. Yu will also be
+enabled tew bet with dispatch, whether yu hav a kall, tew preach the
+gospil, or sel yankee no shuns at auction, both ov them respektuous if
+honestla follared, and both ov them liabel tew be led estra, and end
+at laste in the bronkeetis. The studdy ov medisin will present itself
+and flap its wings and crow, but it kant fule yu, bekause yu have sot
+down, as rekomended above, and tuk akount ov yure liabilitys, and kno
+tew a spot whether yu air konstructed rite for a veteran surgeon amung
+hosses, or hav the rite natur for dealing out kalamil & gallup amung
+men, wimmin & childrin. Yu will likewize hav it in yure power tew gess
+clussly between being a kolporter or keeping a billiard tabil; if yu
+find that yure goose iz morally sound, yu will itinerate at onst, but
+if yu diskiver a leak in yure base, yu will take up yure cue, naturally
+& akordinly. Selling dri goods and blaksmithing wil klaim yure especial
+notis, and wil bother yu dredfully for a verdik; but if yu find yu hav
+kalico on the brain, & aint afraid tew stretch the cloth & the truth
+a little, when yu mezure it, yu will straddle the kounter like an
+ingyrubber clothes pin, and smile on yure kustomers like a sleeping
+babe trubbled with wind. Yu wil, without doubt, be asked tu sa whether
+yu wil be a pollytisian or a blakleg, both equally honorabil. If yu
+hav enny reasonable douts about cheatin yure moste intimate frends,
+and aint willing tew be seen in low grogerys on lecktion daze, buying
+votes with cheap whiska and kounterfit munny, and dont expek tew buy
+yure elekshun, and then sell yure prinsiples tew git even; if yu kant
+go this, and tend awl the churches near yu in rotashun, and hear folks
+sa, "What an ornyment to sosiety he iz!" i sa, if yu kant go all this
+without blushing, yu will ov course adopt the blakleg, and gain an
+honest living bi cheatin on the square.
+
+Yung men yu will awl detek in this lekture a frendla feeling towards
+yu bi the author, and if yu foller the direckshuns laid down above, yu
+wil diskiver the wigglings ov yure genius, in time perhaps, tew saive
+yureselfs from cuming the govenor ov sum state, when natur kindly
+ramified yu for a carpenter and jiner.
+
+
+
+
+XXXI.
+
+CLEVER FELLOWS.
+
+
+It is perfectly astounding how full ov _clever fellows_ the world
+iz. Yu kan find them almost ennywhere, on the korner ov the streets,
+reddy tew say, "mi dear fellow how are yu?" and adjourn at onst tew
+the hotell and take a drink with yu. Yu can find them in the churches,
+reddy tew slap yu on the back and take yure meazure for a front pew,
+next tew the Hon. Hannibal Herring Hallibut, Esq., at the lucid figger
+ov $450 Dollars per year, and a liberal chanse at the contribushun
+plate, twice evry Sunda. Yu kan find them in the lucky possession ov a
+blood bay pair ov geldings sired by Casshus M. Klay, and jist refused
+tu the widder ov a defunk sope biler, at $2700 dollars, but tew yu!
+confidensially! tew yu!! tha will be placed at $2000. Yu kan find them
+in nominashun for congress, bland, fond, and peculiar, kneeling tew
+acksep yure sufrage as limber az a lover, ov the milk weed genus, at
+the balmorell ov a $30,000 Dollars maiden.--Yu can find them reddy tew
+indorse yure paper, _yesterday_, for awl the munny in the institushun.
+Good Lord! Good Lord! how thick tha are. I alwus treat theze fellers
+kindly, jist az tho i loved them, but i alwus stand in frunt ov them,
+az i do when i admire a mule. I dont think tha hav az mutch malis az
+impudense, and sum ov them are so innersent, that i really beleaf tha
+think tha are honest. I dont think the wurld could git along without
+theze clever feller, tha ar jist what keep truth above par, and furnish
+the romanse ov life with a continual freshness. I sa, long live
+theze clever fellers! and when tha die, if tha kan manage tew wiggle
+themselves into the better land, i am the last man who will desire to
+step on their tales.
+
+
+
+
+XXXII
+
+AFFERISIMS.
+
+
+ God save the phools! and don't let them run out, for if it want for
+ them, wise men couldn't get a livin.
+
+ Sum peoples branes are located in their heds.
+
+ We are told "that there want ennything maid in vain," but i hav
+ thought that awl the time spent in manufakturing striped snaix, and
+ muskeeters, waz wasted.
+
+ If thare waz nothing but truth in this wurld, a fool would stand just
+ as good a chanse az a wize man.
+
+ True perlitenes consists in being anxus about the welfair ov uthers;
+ false perliteness consists in being verry anxus about nothing.
+
+ Robbers are like rain, tha fall on the just, and the unjust.
+
+ If a man iz az wize az a sarpent, he can afford to be as harmless as a
+ dove.
+
+ We are ap tu hate them, who wont take our advise, and despize them who
+ do.
+
+ It iz dredful eazy tew be a phool--a man kan be one and not know it.
+
+ Real happiness dont consiss so mutch in what a man dont hav, az it
+ duz, in what he dont want.
+
+ Fear iz the fust lesson larnt, and the laste one forgotten.
+
+ Noboddy but a phool, gits bit twise bi the same dog.
+
+
+
+
+XXXIII.
+
+ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS.
+
+
+Josh Billings wants it respekfully understood that, tho hiz duta az
+sensor ov a vartuous press ockasionally kauses him tew lite onto sum
+contributors at a high rate ov speed, he dus it, not out ov malis tu
+those who rite, but thru grate luv and tribulashun for thoze who read:
+
+
+TO CONTRIBUTORS.
+
+"_I Hear an Angell Whispre_," by _Clemantha_.--Theze lines contain more
+poeckry, and less truth. The fact is, Angells don't whispre, if tha hav
+got enny thing tew sa, tha sa it rite out loud. Tri agin, Clemantha;
+rite onto kontentment, or happiness, or sum sich subjec, that haint
+never bin rit onto.
+
+
+"_Slavery, ordained ov God_," _bi A. D. P._--This produckshion we cant
+accept. We are bound in our insuranse polisy not tew hav on hand
+"enny article extra hazardus on akount ov fire," and we don't want tu
+be struk bi litenin, nor sent tu purgatory, and looze our insurance
+besides. Furthermore, writers must giv us their names in full; A. D. P.
+mite stand for _A. D--m Phule_, and we aint a doing enny bizness with
+them kind not if we are credibly informed.
+
+
+"_On Pisgers nobil hites i stood, communin with our ansesters_," _bi
+Clarense_.--Blank varse, bi grashus! If my memry dont fule me, this iz
+the same spot whare Noer stood, with the Ark previously. We aint mutch
+on blank varse, but think we smel a rat. We hav sent the peace tew
+the "Kommitty on forrin relashuns," and if tha sa the peace iz on the
+square, it will be published, ackompanied with a full sized 3 dollar
+puff.
+
+
+"_Epitaff on a friend_," _bi Emeline Parsons_.--Epitaffs are played out
+with us. We continu tew publish them, at 25 cents ahed, az we du deth
+and weddings, and dont hold ourself resposible for truth or damage. We
+luv tu enkurage genius tho, and advise Emeline Parsons tu diet, and
+keep her hand in bi riteing for the Nu York Leger.
+
+
+"_Essa on Hurrykanes_," _bi Tempest Jun'_.--Wil appear jist az soon az
+the hurrykane softens down a little. This writer handles a hurrykane
+the best we ever see it did. Hiz deskripshun resembles chain litening
+quietly. He maiks the grate oaks tew wiggle lik mad sarpents, and the
+roks tew bile and bust open, and the hole arth tew rumbil az tho it
+had the kolick. This writer could git up a ghost that would be wurth
+having. Tempest Jun' will pleze send us his photergraff, we want a
+personal intervu.
+
+[Illustration: John Billings drives out to the Races.--_See page 100._]
+
+
+
+
+XXXIV.
+
+A SHORT AND VERY AFFEKTING ESSA ON MAN.
+
+
+Man iz a problem not yet solved, made out ov dirt, and smells ov the
+material. He waz kreated a little lower than the angells, and haz bin
+gittin a little lower ever sinse. He waz given a butiful hum, clus tew
+the borders ov heaven, the fruit and the flower waz planted for him,
+and the sweet waters were led along hiz futpath, birds sung onla for
+him, and woman was bilt tew make hiz joy komplete. The lam laid her hed
+on the lion's buzzum, and the viper knu not ov his sting. The winds
+waz tempered with soft fragranse, and awl things had onla the soul ov
+innersence in them. Guile there waz none, fear there waz none, even
+hope thare waz none, for thare waz nothing tew want. This waz butiful
+tew behold, but it didn't prove enny thing, but the kindness ov God.
+Could the arth be peopled? could the oseans be crossed? could the
+forest be chopped down? could sittys be built? could enny boddy be made
+tew work when thare waz nothing to hope for and nothing tew want? Man
+waz created tew govern a world ov ruggidness, and he couldn't dew it
+bi being as harmless as a dove; he must hav a touch ov a good sized
+sarpent in him, or he would has lived, he and hiz wife, growing butiful
+and useless, forever, in the Garden ov Eden. Man never waz bilt for the
+Garden ov Eden; he waz onla put thare tew see its buty, but not tew
+enjoy it till he had arnt it; not tew liv thare untill a weary round
+had bin paced. Eden waz hiz kradle, Eden was the pla ground ov hiz yung
+Adamhood, and under hiz vine and fig treeze waz hiz old age tew be
+gathered. How menny ov the countless millions, who hav gone forth from
+the pearly gate ov the garden hav ever entered agin? Sum few, perhaps
+hav got back, weary and worn, sum few hav got back within sight ov its
+glory, and sleep thare, but legions lay whare they hav fell az far from
+their hum az wandering feet could carry them; and man after 5,000 years
+ov birthrite tew awl the glora ov heaven, and arth, iz az mutch ov a
+problem az ever. If he governs the arth--if the lightnings obey him--if
+art iz the monark ov natur, and if even the angels are at times
+tempted tew admire him, strugling with the sarpent, iz he not, at this
+day, a moste magnificent failure? kan he, who haz governed so mutch,
+that even angels would shudder tew attack, can he govern _himself_.
+This iz the problem. It iz but a step from the furtherest grave tew the
+garden ov Eden, but how few will take it. We awl know the wa back tew
+the kradle ov Eden. We awl long tew be thare asleep, but if God dont
+take us in hiz arms, az froward children are taken, how few thare will
+be, who will ever git hum. Man iz the problem, God iz the solution.
+
+
+
+
+XXXV.
+
+THE RASE KOARSE.
+
+ "Grate rase! at Sulphur Flat trotting Park, on Thursda, April 9th,
+ for a puss ov 13 dollars, and a bulls-eye watch, free for awl hosses,
+ mares, geldings, mules, and Jackasses!"
+
+
+Seeing the above anounsement, pasted up on a gide board, at "Jamaka rum
+four corners," and having never saw a hoss trot, on a well regulated
+rase koarse, for the improvement ov the breed ov hosses, i agreed i wud
+go, jist tew encourage the breeding ov good hosses. I found the village
+of Sulphur Flats located in a lot and well watered bi a griss-mill
+and 2 tannerys. The prinsipal buildings seem tu consiss ov a tavern
+stand, 3 groserys, an insurance offiss, and anuther tavern stand, awl
+condukted on strik whiskee prinsiples. I found the inhabitants a good
+deal tired in their religus views and i thought the opening wud admit 3
+or 4 missionarys abreast.
+
+The moste prinsipal bizness ov the peopil waz pealing bark in the
+winter, and pitchin cents az soon az warm wether sot in. I asked a
+gentleman present, who ced he waz a reporter for "The Yung Man's
+Christian Gide," if he knew what the poplashun ov the plase definitely
+waz, and he ced he definitely didn't, but if i would set out a pail ov
+whiskee, with a dipper into it, on the top ov a hemlock stump, that
+grew in front ov the tavern, it wouldn't be 60 minnits befour i cud
+count the whole ov them, and then we both ov us smiled, az it were, tew
+onst. Having asked sum uther inquirys, ov a mexed natur, i santered
+down tu where the rase koarse waz.
+
+
+THE TRACK.
+
+I found the track waz about a mild in circumferense, and ov a sandy
+disposishun, fensed in by a kranbury mash on one side, and a brush
+fense on tuther, and in jist about 3 minnet condishun. The judge's
+stand waz an ox cart surrounded on the sides bi a ha rigging, and the
+reporters waz invited tew git intu the cart.
+
+
+THE HOSSES
+
+Waz a gra mare, about the usual stature, not verry fat, and laboring
+under a spring halt, which tha ced she had caught ov anuther hoss,
+about 10 days ago. Tha ced she had trotted tu a kamp-meeting last fall
+inside ov a verry short time, and that her back bone waz awl game. I
+asked a yung man with long yeller hair and bedtick pantyloons on, who
+waz currying oph the mare, what her pedigree was, and he with a wink
+tew anuther feller who stood clus bi, ced, "she waz got bi the Landlord
+out ov a Methdiss minister," and then tha both laffed. I found out bi
+inquirin, that her name waz "Fryin-Pan." The uther hoss waz a red hoss,
+rather hastily konstructed, with a spare tale on him, which tha ced waz
+kaused by his trotting so fast, in a windy day; i shud think he waz
+about 5 feet and a haf in hite, and ov a kickin natur. Tha ced he waz a
+stranger in theze parts, and that his rite name waz "Juise Harp."
+
+
+FUST HEAT.
+
+The hosses both cum up tew the skore in the immejiate visinity ov
+each uther, and got the wurd tew go, the fust time. The gra mare waz
+druv bi "Dave Larkin," and the hoss was handled bi "Ligh Turner." Tha
+trotted sublimely, az clus az the Siamese twins; the mare with her hed
+hi up and her noze full ov winde; the hoss waz stretched out tite,
+like a chalk line; tha passed the haf mile pole simultaneously, time,
+2 minnits. Now the kontost becum exsiting, "Dave" hollered, and "Ligh"
+yelled--on tha kum, the mare gru higher, and the hoss gru longer--tha
+make the last turn tew onst--tha look like a dubble team--the
+exsitement grows more intensely--the crowd sways to and fro--the ox
+cart trembles--tha cum! tha cum! sich shouting, sich yelling, sich
+swearing, sich chawing terbacker, waz never herd before; the mare iz
+ahed!--no, the hoss iz ahed! 'tis even, 'tis a ded hete, tha pass the
+ox-kart--the hoss wins bi 3 quarters ov an inch, time 4 minnits lacking
+2 seckunds.
+
+
+REMARKS.
+
+The bosses ar surrounded bi a crowd ov men, wimmin, and children. Each
+party are sanguinary ov suckces. The bettin iz 2 quarts ov whiskee to
+anything, on the red hoss. At this junktare the gentleman, reporter
+for the Young Man's Christian Gide, propozed tew bet 75 cents that the
+mare wud win the nex heat; i tuk the proposishun forthwithly, and the
+steaks, bi mutual consent, was placed in mi hat and sot under the kart,
+and here let me stait, before i forget it, that i haint saw the steaks
+nor the hat sinse.
+
+
+SECKUND HEAT.
+
+The hosses both sho signs ov distress. The gra mare's ears hang down
+the side ov her hed, like two wet rags, and the hoss rests his tale on
+the ground. Tha go slola bak tew the distanse pole, and cum up agin tew
+the skore, az tho tha waz yoked together. Awa tha go; the hoss a leetle
+ahed. The hoss leads tew the haf mild pole in 2:30. On the bak stretch,
+"Dave" went at the mare with hiz long purswader; she trots like
+litening, she passes the hoss! no! she busts! she busts! and befour
+"Dave" cud flatten her down tew her work, she broke from the trak and
+trotted clean up tew her hips in the krambery mash. The hoss cum in awl
+alone, trotting fast, and so clus down, that 2 feet ov his tale dragged
+on the ground. Time ov this heat, not fur from 5 minnits. "Juise Harp"
+winning, bi a quarter ov a mild. Thus ended the grate rase at "Sulphur
+Flats." I immejiately started on foot for "Jamaka Rum four corners,"
+bare headed, but fully impressed that, tho men, and even whiskee mite
+deteryoate, the breed ov hosses must begin tew improve in that seckshun
+ov the kuntry in a fu dais.
+
+
+
+
+XXXVI.
+
+'GIV THE DEVIL HIZ DUE.'
+
+
+This iz good advise. I don't kno who waz the auther ov it, if I did,
+i wud go for rewarding him, either with a sett ov plated ware, or a
+prize in the art union. No man kould giv better advise, or consolashun;
+he ought tew hav a 2 story monament, when he dize, with an epitaff on
+it, founded on fack; he ought tew hav at leaste fifteen hundred little
+children named after him each year; he ought tew be nussed in men's
+memorys like a plesant dreme, that afterwards turned out tew be true.
+He ought to hav his fotograph taken bi evry new sky-lite in the land,
+he ought tew be sett tew musick, and be sung in conneckshun with the
+docksaloger; he ought tew be stereotyped, so that nu edishuns could
+constantly be worked oph tew meet the pressing demand.
+
+"Giv the Devil hiz due." Yung man, this advise was got up for yu. If
+yu owe the Devil ennything pay him off at onse, and then discharge him,
+and dont hire him over agin at enny prise. That's what the author ment.
+Be honest, pay even the devil, if yu owe him, but dont owe him agin. If
+the proprietor ov this most worthy proverb, "Giv the devil hiz due,"
+still lives, altho i haint had the pleasure ov an introducksion tew
+him, if he ever wants enny thing, _even good advise_, he kan git it in
+awl natiff purity and innersense, bi dropping a line tu his everlasting
+well wisher.
+
+ JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+
+
+XXXVII.
+
+WATCH DOGS.
+
+
+Mi dearly beloved christian friend, did yu ever visit enny body? Did
+yu ever visit enny boddy who resided in the subburbs? Did yu ever
+visit enny boddy who resided in the subburbs, and kept a grate lank,
+watery-eyed, yeller dog, with very long hare on hiz bak?--Did yu ever
+hav this grate lank, yeller-devil dog cum loping down tu the frunt
+gate, tu welcum yu with a hiena yowl, and with the long hare on hiz bak
+pitching forward az tho it wud cum out bi the rutes, and his tale awl
+swelled up like a settin hen's? Kan yu rekolek the horrid fear that
+seized upon yu, and froze yu fast tu the arth, az the monster foamed
+in rage around yu? Yu gaze in agny tords the hous--it seems 3 weeks
+at least. At last the frunt door kautiously opens--yure lady friend
+recognizes yu: "Bless me! Mrs. Bingler, how glad i am tew cee yu!
+dew cum rite in. How pale the walk has made yu! Tiger! Tiger! hush
+yu! He is onla glad tew cee yu. Dew cum rite in, Mrs. Bingler." Mrs.
+Bingler, let me ask yu a question, privately: "Dew yu kandidly think
+that the luv yu bare for yure lady friend, Mrs. Baremore, who livs in
+the subberbs, iz enny kind ov atonement for the hate and horror that
+yu will alwus hav for the grate lank, watery-eyed, yeller dog Tiger
+that she keeps tew welcum her visitors with? If yu dew, please address,
+postage paid, JOSH BILLINGS, BOX 467, Pokeepsie
+sitty."
+
+
+
+
+XXXVIII.
+
+ANSWER TO CONTRIBUTORS.
+
+
+_Amerikus._--Your contribushun is in hand. We like its fluidness. It
+is like ile on a side hill. Natur haz did a good thing for yu, and
+yu ought tew be willing tew dew a good thing for natur. This line in
+your produkshun strikes us as very butiful and original; "And larn the
+luxury of dewing good." Gold smith hisself mite hav bin proud ov sich
+a line. And again; "Oh would sum power the gifty giv us, ov seeing
+oursels as uthers cee us;" yure idee ov indroducing the skotch acksent
+into yure stile, is verry happee. If yu never hav red Robert Burns, yu
+will be suprised to larn that his style verry mutch resembles yures.
+Onse more yu sa; "If ignoranse is bliss, tis folly tew be wise." This
+sentiment is jist as tru as tis common. Pope, I think, has sumthing
+similar; but awl grate minds sometimes express theirselfs alike. Yure
+contribushun will appear in our nex issu, with a _wood cut_ piktur ov
+a saw buck at the top ov it.
+
+
+_Beta_--I think sumly as yu do, "this wurld is all a fleetin cirkus,
+for man's illushun given," but that aint no rezon for not pitching in
+and being illusioned onse in a while. I wouldn't giv a cent for a man
+who hadn't bin illusioned, and who didn't expect tew be several times
+again.
+
+
+_Mathew._--I see bi yure letter that yu hav determined tew studdy
+ministry. Yu sa yu hav doubts about yure talents being enuffly tew make
+a minister; i don't think that ought tew bluff yu oph, for i hav saw
+menny men ov almity mean tallents, who got tew be first rate ministers.
+
+
+_Philander._--Yu ask me which iz the most best, the marrid or the
+single condishun?--Most evry boddy, at sum time in their life, has
+tried the single state; also, moste evry boddy haz hankered after the
+double state, or married condishun. I hav tried both states, and am
+reddy to sware, that if a man kan git a woman who kan fri pancakes on
+both sides without burning them, and dont hanker tew be a wimmin's
+kommitty, the marrid state iz a heaven and arth, awl tew onst. But
+after awl the married state is a good deal like falling out ov a cherry
+tree, if a person don't happen tew git hurt, it is a good reason for
+not trieing it agin.
+
+
+
+
+XXXIX.
+
+REMARKS.
+
+
+ It is highly important, when a man makes up his minde tew bekum a
+ raskall, that he shud examine hisself clusly, and see if he aint
+ better konstructed for a phool.
+
+ I argy in this way, if a man is right he cant be too radikal, if he is
+ rong he kant be too conservatiff.
+
+ "Tell the truth, and shame the Devil;" i kno lots ov people, who can
+ shame the devil easy enuff but the tother thing bothers them.
+
+ If yu don't beleaf in "total depravity," buy a quart ov gin and studdy
+ it.
+
+ Their is one advantage in a plurality ov wifes; tha fite each other,
+ insted ov their hustbands.
+
+ It is a verry delicate job to forgive a man, without lowering him in
+ his own estimashun, and yures too.
+
+ As a gineral thing, when a woman wares the britches, she has a good
+ rite tew them.
+
+ I am poor, and I am glad that i am, for i find that wealth makes more
+ people mean, than it duz generous.
+
+ Woman's inflooense is powerful--espeshila when she wants enny thing.
+
+ No man luvs tu git beat, but it is better tew git beat than tew be
+ rong.
+
+ Awl kind ov bores are a nuisance, but it is better tew be bored with a
+ 2 inch auger, than a gimblet.
+
+ "Be sure yu are rite then go ahed;" but in kase ov doubt go ahed enny
+ wa.
+
+ Sekts and creeds ov religion, are like pocket compesses, good enuff
+ tu pinte out the direction, but the nearer the pole yu git the wuss
+ tha wurk.
+
+ The rode tew Ruin, is alwus kept in good repair, and the travellers
+ pay the expense ov it.
+
+ If a man begins life bi being fust Lutenant in his familee, he never
+ need to look for promoshun.
+
+ I hav got as much munny as sum folks, but i hav got as much impudence
+ as enny ov them, and that is the next thing tew munny.
+
+ It aint often that a man's reputashun outlasts his munny.
+
+ Dont mistake arroganse for wisdum; menny people hav thought tha was
+ wise, when tha was onla windy.
+
+ The man who kant git ahed, without pulling others back, iz a limited
+ cuss.
+
+ Woman will sumtimes confess her sins, but i never knu one tu confess
+ her faults.
+
+ Thare is onla one advantage, that i kan see, in going tew the Devil,
+ and that is, the rode is easy, and yu are sure tew git thare.
+
+ Lastly--i am violently opposed tu arden speerits as a bevridge, but
+ for manufaktering purposes, i think a leetle of it tastes good.
+
+
+
+
+XL.
+
+AN ESSA ONTO MUSIK.
+
+ "Musick hath charms to sooth a savage.
+ To rend a rok or split a kabbage."
+
+
+So tha tell me, but i shud rather try a revolver on the savage, a blast
+ov powder on the rok, and good sharp vinegar on the kabbage. I haint
+searched history tew diskiver who giv the first consert ov musik. We
+are told, that in _those days_ "the stars sang together," but in _theze
+days_ yu kant git stars tew sing together. We often hear it said,
+"that such a person haz a good ear for musik." I don't fellership this
+remark; awl a person wants tew understand musik with, is a good soul;
+a "good ear" haint got enny more tew du with it than a good sett ov
+brains has tu do with charity. Musical crickets insist that if the
+gammut aint rite, the musik aint rite; this is awl nonsense; the gammut
+haint got enny more tew du with a musick-hungry man, than a knife and
+fork has with his dinner, if he is real hungry he can eat with his
+fingers. Musick want got up tew make us wise, but better natured. How
+much opera musick dew you suppose it wud taik tu make a man cry? Folks
+will tell yu that such an "overture fria dabulo" (or sum uther furrin
+big named thing) "waz moste heavenly rendered," tha mite as well tell
+me that a pumpkin pie was heavenly rendered. What do i care about the
+rendering, if i don't git a piece ov the pie? Let some Prime Donner,
+or Mezzer Soapraner, or Barrytown Base, or some sich latin individual,
+cum into this village, and histe their flag, and hav a programmy ov
+singing as long as a sarch warrant, and as hard tu spell out as a
+chinese proklamashun ritten upside down, and taxed seventy-five cents
+for a preserved seat, and moste evrybody will go tu hear it, bekause
+moste everybody else dus, and will sa, evry now and then, (out loud)
+"how bewitching! how delishus! how egstatick!" and nineteen out ov
+evry twenty-one ov them wouldn't kno it if the performance was a
+burlesk on their grandmother. Wouldn't it be fun tew cee one ov these
+opera singers undertake tu rok a baby tu sleep? i gess thare wud be
+two parts carried tu that song about that time. Suppoze yu shud come
+home at nite, a weary boy, and la yure hed in mother's lap, and she
+shud let out a opera, good Lord! wouldn't yu think yure mother was a
+lunatik, or ought to be one at onst, tu save her karacter. "Korrect
+taist," iz anuther big wurd; ive herd folks uze it whose finger nales
+wanted cleaning. Musik, after all, is sumthing like vittels, the more
+cooking and seasoning we uze, the more we have to hav, till after
+awhile we kant enjoy ennything ov the vittels but the pepper.--Opera
+dont hav enny more loosening affeck on me, than caster ile wud on a
+graven image. I set and gaze, and hark, and cee the whole aujence in
+hirogliphicks, and awl i kan do iz tu git mad that sich stuff is called
+musik. But awl the reasoning in the wurld wont convince menny people
+that tha haint got a rite tew go into fits over an opera tha dont
+understand a word ov; it iz the fashion tew expire and hav their souls
+dissolve in latin at the rate ov seventy-five cents, an it haz got to
+be did, "sink or swim, survive or perish." If enny boddy wants tu go
+and hear a man or woman disgorge musik, that has more kolik than melody
+into it, i suppose (under the constitushun) tha hav jist the same rite
+tew crusifi themselves enny uther wa, for sumbody's else sins that tha
+dont kno the natur of."
+
+
+
+
+XLI.
+
+"MAN WAZ MADE TEW MOURN."
+
+
+This waz the private opinion ov one Burns, a Skotchman, who waz very
+edikated tew poetri from his infansy. I and he differ, which is not
+uncommon among grate minds. The ornary minds in this wurld are disposed
+tew coinside, which iz the reson whi superstitions prevale so mutch.
+Tew differ upon matters with anuther is a fair presumpshun that yu are
+in the habit ov smelling ov things before yu swaller them. Man warnt
+made tew mourn, man waz made tew laff. He iz the onla creeter or thing
+that God made tew laff out loud. It iz tru he knows how to mourn, so
+duz the animills kno how, the birds can tell their sorrows, and the
+flowers kan hang their pretty heds. Man waz made tew smile, tew laff,
+tew haw! tew thro up his hat, and sing halleluger. Man waz made tew
+praze God, and he cant dew it bi mourning. Awl the mourning thare
+iz in this wurld was introduced bi man; man warnt made tew mourn any
+more than he was made to crawl. Tharfore i sa tew awl men and women,
+stop crying and go tew laffing, yu will last longer, and git fatter
+and stand jist as good a chanse tew git tew heaven with a smile on
+your countenanse, as yu will with yure fase leaking at every pore. I
+sa man want made tew mourn, if he had bin he would not hav bin put in
+Paradise, whare every thing else was made in the image ov smiles.
+
+[Illustration: Josh Billings wants to know why it is that so many women
+who are so thin in the face, stick out so everywhere else.--_See page
+122._]
+
+P.S.--I don't want ennybody tew think that i am down on Burns, for i
+dew consider him the most Poet that ever lived. I had ruther be the
+authur ov one poum i kno ov, that he rit, than tew be king and queen ov
+England, and keep a hoss and carriage; but "man warnt made tew mourn"
+Robert Burns, he iz the kause of hiz own sorrow. For enny further
+informashun tutching this subjek, address, post paid, with stamp
+enclosed.
+
+ JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+
+
+XLII.
+
+PROVERBS.
+
+
+ What a sarkasm it is tew a ded man's memory, tew ask "how much munny
+ he left?"
+
+ I don't like tew be alwus a asking questions, but i would really like
+ tu kno whi it is that so manny wimmin who are so thin in the face,
+ stick out so every where else!
+
+ Tha tell ov an orful sharp feller out west, who broke out ov an alms
+ houze and made sixteen hundred and thirty two 75/100 dollars, in the
+ substitude bizness, before tha kould ketch him.
+
+ The bible asks us, "what will it proffitt a man, if he gain the whole
+ world and loze hiz own soul?" i suppose this depends sumwhat upon the
+ size ov the soul, i think thare are kases whare the trade would do.
+
+ The term "skunked," which we often hear applied tew them that gits
+ beat, waz diskovered in this wa: a Radikal and a Conservatiff, went
+ out hunting skunks. The Radikal diskovered one at sum distanse off
+ and without trieing tew git nearer, drew up his musquet, and shot him
+ ded. The Consarvatiff undertook tew ketch his skunk alive, and the
+ konsequents waz, he got--skunked.
+
+ The old proverb sez, "Giv the Devil his due!" if this is put thru,
+ what will bekum ov yu, mi friend? and the rest ov the--nabors?
+
+
+
+
+XLIII.
+
+KISSING CONSIDERED.
+
+
+"Man was made tew mourn," so warbled Burns, "and woman was made tew
+kiss," so warbles Billings. One ov these centiments haz bin alreddy
+immortalised, and the other i intend shall be as soon as the Legislater
+meets. I am not yet lusid how i shall bring the matter befoar that
+honorabil boddy; but i dew kno how the honorabel boddy feals on the
+subject, and how tha will act if ever tha hav a good chanse. To give a
+fertile and golden opinyun, upon kissing in the lump, and kissing in
+the detale, requires a man ov truth, and sum experiense in tasteing.
+
+
+IN THE LUMP.
+
+Kissing iz one ov those fu things that is easier dun than deskribed;
+in fack, about the onla way tew deskribe it well is tew do it well.
+It iz, without doubt, a verry anshunt enterprise; and judgeing from
+what we kno ov human natur in this latitude, it must hav struk Adam
+as a good investment when he fust diskovered hiz wife. If Adam didn't
+kiss Eve at sight he aint the man i take him tew be; and if Eve didn't
+relish it, it must hav bin bekause it want well did. Thare iz one thing
+about kissing in the lump, diffrent from the rest ov the fine arts and
+that iz, it don't require enny eddikashun tew dew it; i hav even thort
+that the more unedikated it waz did (provided it didn't miss the mark)
+the more touching it was tew behold. But kissing is a good deal like
+eating; thare is not much fun (when a person iz hungry) in standing by,
+and see it did bi anuther fellow, if it iz did ever so well. It is one
+ov the cheapess and healthyess luxurys ov the season, and don't sho
+enny disposishun tew go out ov fashion, and will keep sweet in enny
+climate. Upon the whole, if yu examine kissing in the lump, clussly,
+yu will be led tew exclaim: Fustly, that it iz as easy tew hav it did,
+az it is handy tew dew it. Sekundly, that it is like Cowpers tea, it
+cures a man without corning him; and, Thirdly, it is a frugal, highly
+consentrated, and reverend luxury.
+
+
+IN DETALE.
+
+When we cum tew thro oph glittering generalitys and approach our
+subjeck in single file, it is then that the divinitee ov the art
+seems to be spotted; and reveals tew us awl the shades ov pomp and
+sirkumstanze, from the sublime and tender, clear down tew the redikilus
+and tuff. Mother's kiss and little baby's kiss are az pure az the
+utterance ov angells; so is the artless kiss ov sister Mary and--couzin
+Fanny; but thare iz one cold, blu, lean kiss, that alwus makes me
+shiver tew see. Two persons (ov the femail perswashun) who hav witnesst
+a grate menny younger and more pulpy daze, meet in sum publik plase,
+and not having saw each uther for 24 hours tha kiss immegiately; then
+tha talk about the weather, and the young man who preached yesterday,
+and then tha kiss immegiately, and then tha blush and laff at what
+tha sa tew each other, and kiss agin immegiately. I would not objeckt
+tew awl this if it want sich a waste ov swetness on the dessart air.
+I am willing tew be sworn that this kind ov kissing alwus puts me
+in minde ov two olde flints trieing tew strike fire. How different
+this from the konnubial kiss i witnesst laste nite. I knu he wast a
+husband jist got back from a bizzness tower, bi hiz haste. He passt
+me at the korner below, and awl unexpected enkountered hiz wife, and
+as natral as the bee tew the flower, tha flu together. Thare want
+enny thing sentimental about that kiss; thare want enny thing criminal
+about it. It rang out on the air as clear as the challenge ov a perlice
+offiser--it filled a whole block. Thare want mutch prelimnary about it
+neither, for it smashed a 50 dollar bonnett, and muxed up a barricade
+ov edging and frizzled tucker. It want the fust one, it waz tew well
+did for that. It want the sipping ov two trembling lovers, afraid ov
+the echo; it want studdyed out nor stolen, but it wast full ov honest
+ripeness and chastened struggle which made me hanker for--for, one oph
+from the same peace. Jist one more remark and I am thru. Thare is one
+kind ov kissing that has alwus been deeemd extra hazardous (on akount
+ov fire) and that is kissing yure naber's wife. Gitting the wife's
+consent don't seem tew make the matter enny the less risky.
+
+MORAL.--Don't eat onions during the kissing seazon unless yu
+chew them well.
+
+
+
+
+XLIV.
+
+FOR A FU MINNITS AMUNG THE SPEERITS.
+
+
+Bi invitashun i had the happiness tew attend a speerit cirkle in the
+good old town ov Billingsville last week. A long haired feller bi the
+name of Professer McGuire, with a face that looked like a sucked lemon,
+waz the midwife ov the okasion. It seemed that a Mister Bloodgood
+wanted a dispatch from Miss Jerusha Perkins, who, he claimed, was in
+the speerit land. After the kandel waz subdued and strikt silence
+ensued, sum ov the alfiredest thumps took plase on the tabel; mi hair
+begin tew stan up, and i wished i waz out ov the consarn; but after
+taking an akount ov stock i cum tew the inference that i could knock
+the spots oph from the whole bileing ov them, if it cum to actooal
+bizzness i agreed tew set still and see the whole sport.
+
+In a fu space ov time McGuire begin tew git news from Jerusha, which
+he ced waz official and waz in the shape ov a letter, and he wud
+translate it as follers:
+
+
+ _May 20th_, SPEERIT LAND, 1846.
+
+"_Dear Augustus Sidney Bloodgood_: Having a fu spare time tew devote
+terestial things, i take mi pen in hand tew rite yu a fu lines. I am
+well, and hope theze fu lines will find yu enjoying the same blessin.
+I hav jist returned from the gardin ov Eden whare i hav bin with Dave
+Sturgiss, who was killed at the battell ov Gettisburg bi gitting
+choked with a pease ov hard tacks. The weather iz fine, and there iz
+evry prospeck ov krops; I never see the potaters look finer. Dri goods
+is cheap here, yu can buy good factory cottin cloth, yard wide, for
+eleven cents a yard and hav thred thrown in. I see the Widder Bostwick
+yesterday, she looks as starched up as ever.
+
+"Would yu beleaf it, dear Augustus, that ugly Miss Snubdin is here,
+how yu used tew hate her! yu kno yu used tew sa that she wud go tew
+that uther land ov speerits. Let me hear from yu oftin thru the dear
+McGuire. Me and anuther speerit bi the name of Julia roost on the same
+celestial tree, and we oftin talk over the fellers we used tu know,
+and yu kan bet high, dear Augustus, that yu are the one that i brag
+on. Don't let enny ov them terestial mortals fool yu with their luv,
+for Jerusha's essence has no affinitee but for her corporeal jewell,
+Augustus Sidney Bloodgood."
+
+At this junkter thare waz 6 raps on the tabel about az fast and loud
+az tho there waz playing kards, and sumboddy about being eukered; then
+awl was still and the kandels waz lit, and evry boddy sot in aw and
+amazement. The sircle broke up immejiately, and i passed out with mi
+frend, who asked me what i thought ov speerit manifestashuns now. I
+told him i thought if evrything waz on the square, that Bloodgood had a
+ded sure thing on Jerush.
+
+
+
+
+XLV.
+
+SAYINGS.
+
+
+ A gest is sumthin that is sharp enuff to be notised, and not rude
+ enuff tu be resented.
+
+ "Solaman was a wize man," but when he ced thar warnt enny thing nu
+ under the sun, he hadn't herd ov Hudsin River time tables.
+
+ "Large bodys move slo," this ere proverb dont apply tu lies, for the
+ bigger tha ar, the faster tha go.
+
+ The only wa tu pleze evra boddy, is tu make evry boddy think yu ar a
+ bigger fule than tha ar.
+
+ Ignorance is ced tu be bliss, this ma be so, I never tried it.
+
+ It's just as natral for lawyers tu lie, as it is for a white hared
+ yung one's nose tu run.
+
+ The man who kan ware a shirt a hole week and keap it klean, aint fit
+ for enny thing else.
+
+ The more we hav, the more we want, and the more we want, the less we
+ hav.
+
+ "The law ov nashuns;" iron klad gun botes.
+
+ Evra sorrow has its twin joy; the fun of skraching almost pays for
+ having the ich.
+
+
+
+
+XLVI.
+
+JOSH GOES TO LONG BRANCH.
+
+
+"Hum agin! Hum agin! from a forrin shore!" or in uther wurds less
+juicy but equally tru, i hav got back from Long Branche, whither i
+went tew git mi buty and health restored. I waz thare 2 weeks, and
+lost 50 pounds in munny, and gained 10 pounds in meat. i feal like a
+fur tippet. I shall go down nex summer, if mi life iz spared also. I
+made a grate menny nu ackquaintance, that will be hard tew fergit,
+amung which, waz a nu kind of likker, which they kall apple toddy; this
+likker would be an invaluable dockument tew take amung the heathen tew
+convert them; 2 horns ov it would set them crazy--for civilizashun.
+The natur ov the sile or land there iz impregnated with sand, which
+iz adapted tew raisin a dust when the wind bloze, and also iz capabel
+ov produsing, (az i see bi the statisticks ov the state sensus) more
+fleas tew the aker without the aid ov manure, than iz needed for hum
+consumption. The two prinsipal attrackshuns there iz the air, and the
+water, which are to be had in enny quantity, at a slite advanse from
+fust cost. The men and wimmin go in swimming together which at the
+fust sight looks a leetle risky, but az soon az they git used tew it,
+tha tell me, tha aint afrade ov each other at all. Thare iz 15 taverns
+at Long Branch, and thare iz ground room tew build more ov them, and
+az far az i kno, no man need tew go away without spending awl ov hiz
+munny, if he haz got enny ambishun about him. Thare waz sevral verry
+fashionable wimmin on exhibishun thare, and altho they didn't hav on
+mutch clothes, what they did hav, waz wuth the munny. I also saw sevral
+diamonds thare, which they ced were discovered at little falls, in
+this state, and waz wuth respectfully, from 2, to 5 dollars. One verry
+pleazing feeter waz the fast trotting hosses which belonged tew the
+natives ov the surrounding country, which were brought down in front ov
+the taverns evry day, tew trot for the amuzement, & instruktion, ov the
+guests. The Hosses didn't seem to me tew trot az fast az the drivers
+did, but i dont think enny body ever saw more dust raized, still, if
+hollering out loud iz enny sign that the hosses waz a trotting fast,
+then Flory Temple never had any bizness at Long Branch, unless it waz
+for her health. Hoss trotting iz at best a cruel enterprize, but when
+it iz gone into, with slow hosses, and unskillful drivers, it iz about
+az disgusting az the opening ov Rockaway clams, with a shoe-hammer.
+You will find awl the different styles ov docktrine and pollyticks, at
+Long Branche. One feller asked me "if i didn't think that the southern
+confederasy would be recognized before long," and i ced, that the
+southren confederasy had bin _recognized_, for more than 3 years, bi
+awl sensibel & honest people, az the moste cussidest ov awl things
+cussid. And another feller asked me what i thought ov the doktrine ov
+poligamy. i replied tew him, in a few wurds, that it waz tew mutch
+doktrine, for enny one man tew hav, and dew the subjeck justiss. Az
+good a way az enny tew git tew Long Branch, iz bi the steam Bote Jesser
+Hoyt, and the Delaware Ba ralerode. The cars on this rale rode will put
+enny man in minde ov one ov the cages in which van amburgh's trained
+animels are carried around the kuntry, and az for speed, thare iz but
+one thing on arth slower, and that iz a bread pill. In konclusion,
+Long Branch iz about the onla thing in the state ov Nu Jersee, that
+dont belong tew the Camptown, and Amboy Ralerode, and ought tew be
+visited as a natral curiosity on that vera akount, if for no uther. The
+prinsipel amuzements ov the plase are pitching cents, and walking a
+mile and a half, back into the kuntry, tew see a liberty pole. Thare iz
+one custom thare that mite be altered, if it couldn't be improved, and
+that iz awl the niggers seem tew hav bin born for the express purpiss
+ov standing around when a guest leaves, with evry feature in their fase
+resembling a 25 cent shinplaster in distress, and even the Landlord's
+look, and act az tho you waz going oph, without paying them awl the
+munny yu had. Visiting Long Branch, in this respeck, iz like going down
+into a marsh, in muskeeter time, awl the inhabitants stick a bill into
+you. Thare iz no ingenuity in this wa ov skinning a man, it iz like
+skinning a cat, a little evry day, tew make it hurt less.
+
+ Yours at sight,
+ JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+
+
+XLVII.
+
+TO MY LADY CORRESPONDENTS.
+
+
+_Cora._--Now yu ask me tew mutch. I kant giv no sartin resippee tew
+make a feller pop the question. Sum men are awful slow on a court, tha
+are like olde houn dogs, all tha want iz to be sure tha are on the rite
+track, and don't seem tew kare if tha don't never cum up with the game.
+If i was a gal, and one ov this kind ov dogs got after me, i wud hole
+rite off, and if he didn't commense tu dig me out at onst, i shud kno
+he waz only hunting for fun.
+
+
+_Rebekar._--I am dredful sorry tew hear yu are a widder. I kno how tu
+pity yu, i haint never bin a widder miself, but i hav bin in a habit
+ov pittying widders, for a grate length ov time. And yu tell me yu are
+a yung widder too, wuss and wusser. If yu find that thare aint nobody
+in yure naberhood who understands pittying yung widders, let me kno at
+onst, and i will see what kan be did for yu.
+
+_Flora._--I like yure spirit, yu hav got a soul. Thare aint no diskount
+on to it. Stan yure ground, don't giv an inch the olde man will cum
+to hiz milk bimeby. The idee that yu kant hav a bonnet az good as Sal
+Parker haz got, iz darned likely. If i waz a gal, and mi olde man
+wouldn't go 50 dollars for me a plane bonnet, blame me if i wouldn't go
+into a dekline, spit blood, or hav a pane in the bak, or see a ghost,
+and set and shiver till the olde man cum doun with the bonnet.
+
+
+_Lizzy._--Yu sa yu are sixteen years old, and aint marrid yet. That
+looks a little dusty, but don't dispare, az long az thare iz life
+theres hope. If i hear ov enny boddy looking around for a woman, ill
+let yu kno forthwithly. Send me forty or fifty ov yure fotograffs, tha
+are good things tu skatter around luce. Az i ced in mi last letter i
+kant la doun no rule tu kech a hustband, men kant tell themselves half
+the time what ketched them, awl tha kno iz that tha git keched the
+cussedest evra now and then.
+
+
+_Matilda._--Lap dogs are verry skase jist now prinsipally owing tew
+the skasity ov them. I see one yesterda that was almost heavenly. The
+owner asked 50 dollars for him, he had sore eys, and the itch, but tha
+tell me that awl lap dogs haz theze trifling komplantes. I saw anuther
+one, which the owner onla asked thirty-five dollars for, he had small
+sized fits, but waz warrented not tew hav more than three fits in enny
+one da. I think this dog iz jist what yu are looking for; i offered
+thirty-seven dollars for him, if the owner wud heave in a vial ov fits
+medisin. He is tew giv me an anser tomorrow.
+
+P. S.--I hav bought the dog and will send him bi xpress. hiz name iz
+Agusty Seazer.
+
+
+
+
+XLVIII.
+
+ON WIDDERS.
+
+
+Widders are an interesting studdy. Tha ma be dividid (tew anser our
+purpis,) into 3 classes: _The Lone_, _The Grass_, and _The Star
+Spangled Banner Widder_. The Lone Widder iz ginerally selebrated for
+her piety, she haz passed the middle ov life, she knows she haz got
+gra hairs in her hed, she will tell her age, and talks tenderla ov her
+ded husband. Her grief iz sober, her weeds are rank, if she iz ritch,
+she is charitable, if she is poor, she is humble. She seldum marrys
+the sekund time. Her cheerfulness never bekums gayety, and her sorrow
+never bekums lamentashun. If she has children, she treats them as the
+partners ov her bereavment, if she has none, she bends down tew those
+she meets as she wud tew the arly flower in her pathway. Her hole life
+is a glora tew her sek, and an honour evra da tew him whose good memry
+amung men she perpetuates.
+
+The Grass Widder is marrid without enny husband. She keeps house
+at a hotel, and kalls the servants bi familiar names. She sez that
+her husband is a kurnel in the armee. Her thesis is unkongenial
+tempraments, she kan repeat Don Juan, and hides Boccassio's tales under
+her pillow. If she wud ride out she orders a coach, and a gentleman; if
+she is ritch, she is arrogant, if she is poor, she is brasen. She kalls
+virtue prudery, and sez she wouldn't swop chastity with Dianner. If her
+kurnel is fortunate enuff tew git shot in battle, yu ma meet her and
+hiz Lutenant at Nuport nex summer, marrid--for the season.
+
+The Star Spangled Widder iz yung, ornamental, and--a fule. She marrid
+her husband bekauze hiz name waz Alphonzo, and she mourns for him in
+at least 50 feet ov krape. Her fingers are as jewelled as the hilt ov
+a Spanish dagger. She was eddikated at a fust klass seminare, with a 9
+months' vakashun in it evry year, and talks awl the languages, excep
+english, bravely. She gases on you from beneath her limber eyelashes,
+as pensiv as a wel fed kitten. Yu ma think she wants tew marry, but she
+thinks she onla wants a friend. If she shud snare some old feller, with
+a full puss, she wil make him a good toddy stik for his beverage. She
+has more chastity than sens, and more vartue than affeckshun.
+
+Upon refleckshun i am disposed tew sa that there iz no condishun that
+a woman iz kalled upon tew fill so delikate, and so diffikult, as the
+widder; a condishun in which the lovlaness ov their naturs kan be made
+tew challenge our respek and admirashun, az alzo, a condishun in which
+their frailties may exsite our abhorrense, and their weakness, our
+disguss--Amen!
+
+
+
+
+XLIX.
+
+THINGS THAT I DON'T HANKER AFTER TO SEE.
+
+
+ A man out at the elbows, and his wife out tew a woman's rites
+ convenshun.
+
+ A yung lady ov more circumference than the diameter ov her father's
+ real estate.
+
+ A boy under 15 with over 15 bad habits.
+
+ A long bill at the tailor's, that belongs tew a short Bill at the St.
+ Nicholas.
+
+ A man who haz more hair under his nose than knows under his hair.
+
+ A virgin who haz beat 40, afrade ov a rane _bo_.
+
+ A pollytision leading in prayer.
+
+ A man whoze houze wants painting a different culler from hiz noze.
+
+ Charitee that evra boddy knowz ov.
+
+ A house so divided agin itself, that it dont kno which wa tew fall.
+
+ "Augers that won't bore," unless tha kan hav the privilege ov
+ splitting.
+
+[Illustration: Josh Billings goes in bathing at Long Branch.--_See page
+133._]
+
+
+
+
+L.
+
+ON COURTING.
+
+
+Courting is a luxury, it is sallad, it is ise water, it is a beveridge,
+it is the pla spell ov the soul. The man who has never courted haz
+lived in vain; he haz bin a blind man amung landskapes and waterskapes;
+he has bin a deff man in the land ov hand orgins, and by the side ov
+murmuring canals. Courting iz like 2 little springs ov soft water that
+steal out from under a rock at the fut ov a mountain and run down the
+hill side by side singing and dansing and spatering each uther, eddying
+and frothing and kaskading, now hiding under bank, now full ov sun and
+now full ov shadder, till bimeby tha jine and then tha go slow. I am in
+faver ov long courting; it gives the parties a chance to find out each
+uther's trump kards, it iz good exercise, and is jist as innersent as 2
+merino lambs. Courting iz like strawberries and cream, wants tew be did
+slow, then yu git the flaver. I hav saw folks git ackquainted, fall in
+luv, git marrid, settel down and git tew wurk, in 3 weeks from date.
+This is jist the wa sum folks larn a trade, and akounts for the grate
+number ov almitey mean mechanicks, we hav and the poor jobs tha turn
+out.
+
+Perhaps it iz best i shud state sum good advise tew yung men, who are
+about tew court with a final view to matrimony, az it waz. In the fust
+plase, yung man, yu want tew git yure systen awl rite, and then find a
+yung woman who iz willing tew be courted on the square. The nex thing
+is tew find out how old she is, which yu kan dew bi asking her and she
+will sa that she is 19 years old, and this yu will find won't be far
+from out ov the wa. The nex best thing iz tew begin moderate; say onse
+evry nite in the week for the fust six months, increasing the dose as
+the pasheint seems to require it. It is a fust rate wa tew court the
+girl's mother a leetle on the start, for there iz one thing a woman
+never despizes, and that iz, a leettle good courting, if it is dun
+strikly on the square. After the fust year yu will begin to be well
+ackquainted and will begin tew like the bizzness. Thare is one thing I
+alwus advise, and that iz not to swop fotograffs oftener than onse in
+10 daze, unless yu forgit how the gal looks.
+
+Okasionally yu want tew look sorry and draw in yure wind az tho yu had
+pain, this will set the gal tew teazing yu tew find out what ails yu.
+Evening meetings are a good thing tu tend, it will keep yure religgion
+in tune; and then if the gal happens tew be thare, bi acksident, she
+kan ask yu tew go hum with her.
+
+Az a ginral thing i wouldn't brag on uther gals mutch when i waz
+courting, it mite look az tho yu knu tew mutch. If yu will court 3
+years in this wa, awl the time on the square, if yu don't sa it iz a
+leettle the slikest time in yure life, yu kan git measured for a hat
+at my expense, and pa for it. Don't court for munny, nor buty, nor
+relashuns, theze things are jist about az onsartin as the kerosene ile
+refining bissness, liabel tew git out ov repair and bust at enny minnit.
+
+Court a gal for fun, for the luv yu bear her, for the vartue and
+bissness thare is in her; court her for a wife and for a mother, court
+her as yu wud court a farm--for the strength ov the sile and the
+parfeckshun ov the title; court her as tho she want a fule, and yu a
+nuther; court her in the kitchen, in the parlor, over the wash-tub,
+and at the pianner; court this wa, yung man, and if yu don't git a
+good wife and she don't git a good hustband, the falt won't be in the
+courting.
+
+Yung man, yu kan rely upon Josh Billings, and if yu kant make these
+rules wurk jist send for him and he will sho yu how the thing is did,
+and it shant kost yu a cent.
+
+
+
+
+LI.
+
+REMARKS.
+
+
+ Piety iz a good kind ov dissease for a man tew hav, but when he has so
+ mutch ov it that he has tew go behind the door on Sunday to drink his
+ whiskee, it will dew tew watch him the rest of the week.
+
+ Menny think tha luv their husbands almost tew deth, when in fack, tha
+ are only jealous ov them.
+
+ Thoze familys who are really fust class, never are afraid that tha
+ shall git cheated out ov their respektability, while the codfish
+ familys are alwus nervous lest tha mite.
+
+ The onla sure resipee tew govern mankind with, iz the rod; yu ma
+ festoon it with flowers and case it with velvet, if yu pleze, but it
+ iz the rod, after all, that duz the bizzness.
+
+ I kant conseive a more despikable opjek than a proud and arrogant man;
+ he makes me think ov an old Tom Turkey trieing tew git mad at a red
+ flannel pettycoat on a clothes line.
+
+ It iz not onla highly natral tew luv the femail sek, but 'tis highly
+ pleasant.
+
+ Verry few people enjoy munny, bekauze tha kant git enuff ov it.
+
+ We are told that a contented man is happy, and we mite hav bin told,
+ at the same, that a mudturkle could fly if it onla had wings.
+
+ It wont dew tew stir up a man when he is thinking, enny more than it
+ will a pan ov milk when the cream is rising.
+
+ Thare is one time when awl men are comparitiffly pure, and that is
+ when tha are in luv.
+
+ Humbolt was a man ov verry high attainments.
+
+ It iz eazy enuff tew raize the devil, but he iz a hard crop tew reap.
+
+ It appears tew me that a poor story iz a good deal like a grist, the
+ oftner it iz told, the less thare iz ov it; but then, perhaps, i am
+ mistaken.
+
+ I hav bin told that _swine Lager_ iz the Dutch for root beer.
+
+
+
+
+LII.
+
+THE FAULT-FINDER.
+
+
+Good Lord, deliver us from the Falt finder, one ov yure kronick
+grunters, i mean. Theze kind ov humin critters are alwuss full ov self
+consait; if tha waz humble and wud dam themself okasionally, i wud try
+tew pity them. Yure falt-finding old bachelor, for instanze, odars a
+pair ov No. 8 boots, and then kolides with his shumaker insted ov his
+big feet; he walks tew the depo tew saive hack-hire and misses the
+trane, and then kolides with the time-table; he kourts a gal till she
+has tew marry sumboddy else tew keep from spileing, and then he don't
+believe thare is a vartuous woman living. If he enjoys ennything he dus
+it under protess, and if ennyboddy else enjoys ennything he knows tha
+lie about it. He is like a seckund rate bull tarrier, alwus a fiteing,
+and alwus gitting licked. These kind ov critters never are reddy tew
+die, bekause tha haint never begun tew live. I never maik their
+ackquaintanse enny more than i dew sumboddy's small pox, bekause i am a
+looking after bright things and haint got enny to lose. Thare aint enny
+remedee for this dissease but hunger, and that aint parmanent unless it
+results in starvashun. Good Lord, deliver us from the falt-finder! if
+yu undertake tew argy with them yu onla flatter them, and if yu jine in
+with them yu onla maik them mad with themselfs.
+
+I had rather be a target for awl the bad luk in this wurld than tew
+go thru life shuteing a pizen arrow at awl the good luk. The more i
+think ov it, the more i keep thinking that falt-finding iz verry much
+like bobing for eels with a raw potater; a fust rate wa tew git out ov
+consait ov awl kinds ov fishing, and a fust rate wa not tew ketch enny
+eels.
+
+
+
+
+LIII.
+
+PROVERBS.
+
+
+ Chastity iz like an isikel. if it onse melts that's the last ov it.
+
+ Dew a good turn whenever yu kan even if yu hav tew turn sumboddy's
+ grinstun tu dew it.
+
+ When a man dies the fust thing we talk about iz hiz welth, the nex
+ thing hiz failings, and the last thing hiz vartues.
+
+ I suppose the "bone of contenshun" iz the collar bone.
+
+ An ungrateful childe is the revenge of Heaven.
+
+ After awl ced and dun the gran sekret of winning is tew win.
+
+ The studdy ov humin natur is a good deal like the studdy ov
+ dessekshun, yu finde out a good menny curis things, but it is a nasty
+ job after awl.
+
+ When a man's dog deserts him on akount ov his poverty, he kant git
+ enny lower down in this world, not bi land.
+
+ Sekrets maik a dungin of the harte, and a jailor ov its owner.
+
+ Don't let us forgit that the higher up we git the smaller will things
+ look tew us here belo.
+
+ Natur haz no artifise, she plants her flowers in the gardin and in the
+ wilderness, and endows them alike.
+
+ It iz tru that welth won't maik a man vartuous, but i notis thare
+ ain't ennyboddy who wants tew be poor jist for the purpiss ov being
+ good.
+
+ Luv iz like the meazels, we kant alwus tell when we ketched it and
+ ain't ap tew hav it severe but onst, and then it ain't kounted mutch
+ unless it strikes inly.
+
+ Tew be a suckcessful pollytysian, a man shud be butterd on both sides
+ and then keep awa from the fire.
+
+
+
+
+LIV.
+
+KOLIDING.
+
+
+The wurd "kolide," used bi ralerode men, haz an indefinit meaning tew
+menny folks. Thru the kindness of a nere and dear frend, i am able tew
+translate the wurd so that enny man ken understand it at onst. The
+term "kolide" is used tew explain the sarkumstanse ov 2 trains ov cars
+triing tew pass each uther on a single trak. It is ced that it never
+yet haz bin did suckcessfully, hence a "kolide."
+
+ JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+
+
+LV.
+
+ON SNAIKS AND MUDTURKLES.
+
+
+I divide snaiks into one class, to wit, the devilish:
+
+They are ov much antiquity, having appeared about the same time that
+Adam did. The exact purpis for which tha was built hain't been explored
+yet; but one thing is sartin, tha are quite slippery and eazy to bend.
+Tha travel on thair bellys, and go down hill the moste eazyest; this is
+owing tew the fack that tha hain't got enny good rigging tew hold back
+with.
+
+Snaix have but few warm friends, altho thare is folks who flatter them;
+sich persons ought tew be obliged to ware a pair ov them for a cravat.
+Thare is but one thing that makes me more horrible than a striped
+snaik, and that is a big black one jest sliding away from the place
+whare I was going tew sit down on the grass.
+
+We are told that Eve waz sedused bi a snaik, i don' beleave thare is
+a woman living now, in theze parts, that it could be did tew without
+spileing the snaik. I hav bin in the habit, ov late years, ov sedusing
+snaiks miself evvry chanse i could git; i ginerally dew it bi gitting
+them tew put their heds under a stone, and then i cruelly desert them;
+sich is life.
+
+Snaiks are amphibicus and thoze which dwell in the water are called
+eels. Tha are ov awl cullers, and sum are pizen tew behold; amung theze
+are the koperheds, but tha never bite enny ov their own folks. Snaiks
+hav got a big appertite, akordin tew their size; i hav saw them no
+thicker than your finger, with 4 inches wide ov toad in them, tha stuck
+out like 2 quarts ov milk that had got into a young pup bi acksident.
+
+The largest snaik in the wurld iz kept at Newport, he iz owned bi the
+landlords, he never haz bin shown tew but one person tew a time, and
+then he is generally 110 feet long; thousands go thare tew see him
+summers, and pay 3 dollars a da for board and 2 dollars a week tew the
+servants for something tew eat.
+
+I beleave a snaik never dies onla bi mistake, and never ventures out
+mutch in the winter when the travling iz bad, and lays eggs like a
+small hen, but don't set on them bekauze tha hain't got enny more heat
+in their body than a ramrod haz.
+
+Almoste evry humin being haz got a nateral appertite agin snaix, and
+i will bet, if you shud put a striped snaik in a 10 aker lot, whare
+there was 27 wimmin picking strawberries, and holler out, "striped
+snaik! striped snaik!" evry woman would skream, and go to feeling rite
+oph for the snaik. It is ced that snaik ile applied to the back ov a
+man's neck, will cure him from lieing. This is wuth trieing, even if
+it wont wurk, but mi individoal presentiment iz, that when the lieing
+disease gits familiar with a man, deth alone will put an eend to his
+sufferings. But I dont want it understood that I am agin snaik ile, for
+this one reason if no other, the more snaik ile there is in the market,
+the less snaiks.
+
+
+MUDTURKLES.
+
+Mudturkles liv in a shell, which tha git verry mutch attached to.
+Tha are not fond ov company, and seldom receive visitors in their
+houses. Their food consists prinsipally of what they eat, which tha
+find wharever tha kan git it. Their style iz haf land, and haf water,
+and tha are at home on the banks or at the bottom ov a kanal. Tha
+hav sum eggs, which tha lay in sum warm sand, and ginerally hav them
+hatched out tew the halves. Tha belong tew the class known az "close
+korporashuns," and are a hard animil tew whip, bekause tha alwus fite
+under cover. The mudturkle kant climb very well, and therefore seldum
+iz found up a tree. Tha are verry tuff ov life, and will outlive an
+injun rubber shoe, and don't seem tew gro old enny faster than a paving
+stone duz. Tha kan be domestikated without enny trubble; awl yu hav
+tew dew, iz tew put them into a barrel, and tha aint ap tew stray off
+far. Mudturkles hav their faults, but tha won't lie, nor drink rum, nor
+chaw terbacker, and tho tha cant trot as fast az sum hosses kan, thare
+sure tew git tew whare tha go tew, and never brake down on the rode.
+I take a deep interest in moste awl the animils, and particularly in
+mudturkles, and i dew hope that the Legislature in their wisdum won't
+pass a law "prohibiting enny more mudturkles." I regret tew hear,
+that in sum parts ov the kuntry, the people are in the habit of using
+mudturkles tew pitch quoits with, but I think this wants an affidavy
+with a revenew stamp onto it.
+
+In theze mi remarks about snaix and mudturkles i hav tried hard tew
+tell the truth, but if i hav failed, it is owing tew the grate skasity
+ov truth in theze days.
+
+
+
+
+LVI.
+
+TRUE BILLS.
+
+
+Tru dignity is the effeck ov the conscious possession ov ability and
+vartue. False dignity is the effeck ov nu clothes, no branes and mutch
+vittles.
+
+
+Tru currage is the knowledge ov right and the determination tew dew it.
+False currage is a willingness tew dew what is rong bekauze others sa
+it iz right.
+
+
+Tru religgun iz tew fear God, love man and hate the devil. False
+religgun iz tew hate God, fear man and luv the devil.
+
+
+True faith is a parfeck trust in what we are satisfied iz truth. False
+faith is a craziness tew beleave, simpla bekauze we kant understand.
+
+
+Tru liberta is the possession ov our own rights and due respek for the
+rights ov uthers. False liberta iz a desire tew possess uther's rights
+and no respek for our own.
+
+
+Tru wisdum iz a plenta ov experiense, observashun and reflekshun. False
+wisdom iz a plenta ov ignorance, arogance and impudence.
+
+
+
+
+LVII.
+
+NARRATIF.
+
+
+"Wunce as I was travling thru tioga keounty, a peddlin, selebrated
+pills," I was akosted by a individual whose dress indikated, that he
+was in the kolporter bisness. We met, and stopped smoltaneously, as
+it war; we looked into each others phases, sarching as it war, for
+a linamont, a oasus, that we nu, or had hearn tell of, but the trak
+pedlar, and pill pedlar, had evidently met for the first time on
+arth. The dela that was thus instituted, giv me a margin for a clus
+communion with the kolporturs feturs, and stile of habiliment, and tru
+to natur, tuk the chance--he was about 59 years old, was very lite in
+the karkass, and wore his close very much as a methodis dus, and had
+one of them kountenances that Moses was celebrated for. I felt at the
+first site, that he wud do tu ti to. He komensed as follers:--"Wafarin
+man, monament of sparin mersa, du yu feel as tho yu had enny intrest
+in yurself, hev yu ever been tried by the fire that takes awa the
+spiritoal dross, and had yur soal a flutterin agin the ribbid prisin
+bars of yur body, like a kaged song bird of heavin? If yu haint, read
+and peroose this trak; the ile that it kontains, will permoate thru the
+resesses of yur hart, like the quicksilver of luv, and lukrubrate the
+loose roaling stuns, that ly in yur jordanick pathwa." As he cum to a
+stop, he bent on tu me one of those meller looks, that a tom kat gives
+tu the mouse, as it lays pantin afore him, with a skin full of broken
+bones, and a reachin around, he pulled from his sadle bags, a trak of
+four pages, and give it tu me, with (if I ma be aloud the expresshun)
+a angelik tenderness, and as he did so, he karlessly tuk a look at my
+hoss, who stood quietly in the harness, a restin wun of his hine fete.
+I thanked him, and sed I wud peroose the trak, an hoped to find the
+ile, and silver, he spoak of. Not tu be bete in generosity, I opened
+the lid of mi waggin, and selekted a box of pills, with a full kount,
+and arisin from mi sete, I kommenced as follers, "respected kolportur,
+allou me tu disiprookate, by plasin at yur disposal a full kount box,
+of the selebrated antydiluvion pills, begot by Josh Billings (late of
+this tioga keounty,) who now stans befoor yu. These pills are friendla
+tu the innards of enny man, are holy made of rootes, are as saif tu
+take as a fotograph, and at the same time, are as thoro as a sarch
+warrant, there ar 26 ov them in a box, an tha sel, with a ful size fax
+similer of the author on the lid ov the box. He tuk the antydiluvions,
+and summed up as follers, "docter Billings, the perfeshun which you hav
+chose, is wone ov the most anshient as wel as wone of the most humain,
+it speaks volumes in yur praze, and as i winde mi wa on errants of
+soal mersa, upon mi noble hoss (whose only falt, or rather misfortin
+is a paneful saddil gaul,) swete gushes of jowus thout will wel up
+from mi happer harte, that praps our auspicious meeting tu da ma bee
+the menes of awakin in yu, a arnest kry what shal i du tu bee saved."
+At the kloze ov this speach, i wud have bin willin tu bet a Box of
+antydiluvions agin a 10 rowed papir of solid headed pins, that the
+kolporter was nasty on a hoss swap, and i kum tu the konklusion that i
+wud just feal of his stile in that wa. Pretendin tu hav just notised
+his hoss i went inter fits over the diskivery, and soon found i had
+struc a lead, for the star spangle bannor, never had at one time enny
+more sed in its praze, than the kolporter let of in favor ov his old
+hoss. Not edzackly disposed tu swaller, without stirrin, all he sed,
+i thout i wud look the kritter over, and; jumpin out ov my waggin,
+fur that purpis, soon found out that the trak pedler was after Jonas,
+insted of me. After i had got the full size of the sarkumstanses in the
+kase, i kum tu one of the brisk konklusions that the Billings family
+are subject tu, by hintin in oktave, "that the kolporter was a dam
+hiperkrit, and his spavined hoss a dam old pelter." This suddint bust
+of centiment on mi part, awoke the sleapin pieta of the trak pedlar,
+and he at wunst tuk me tu do for swarin. After i had told him, that his
+prain and my swarin, was oph of the same peace, an neather ov us ment
+any thing we sed, we parted,--the kolporter to save soals, and swap
+hosses, and Josh Billings tu sell, for 25 sents a box, the antidiluvion
+pills, as saif as rute beer, and as sartin as the bight ov a mogasin."
+
+
+
+
+LVIII.
+
+PHOTOGRAPHS.
+
+
+Enclosed yu will be pleazed tew find my fotograff, taken from life, on
+the spot, whare the circumstanze occurred. I take the liberta tew send
+yu the picter, for the 7 different ensuing reasons: 1--Photograffs are
+gitting skase. 2--If you should ever meet me by mistake, yu wud be able
+to kno me rite oph, bi asking me if I resembled the pictur. 3--I am a
+marrid man, and am the author ov a familee, and therefore the danger ov
+any femail fallin in luv with me, bi cuming in contak with the picter,
+will be painfully redused. 4--It iz better that 99 humbly cusses should
+eskape, than that one decent looking man should suffer bi not having
+hiz fotograff taken. 5--A grate menny folks, jist now at this time,
+are troubled with a literature on the brane. This pictur will put yu
+in clus communion with a man who haz had this diseaze, but who haz so
+far rekovered, that he iz able to sit up and laff at others, who are
+trieing to ketch the same disorder. 6--I resembel this pictur, and that
+ken be ced ov so few things in this wurld, that i thought noboddy would
+git mad and call me a verry d--n fule, for sirkulating the pictur.
+7--The artiss said I was hard tew take, and this pictur was a triumph
+ov the art; he alzo added that some ware so eazy tew take that it was
+actooally dangerous tew leave ennything in their reach. These reasons
+must be mi excuse for sending yu my pictur; if it don't look as yu
+expekted i did, jist let me kno, and i will have one taken that duz.
+Verry highly i remane yures,
+
+ JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+[Illustration: Josh Billings having stopped to kiss the baby once more,
+arrives at the depot just too late to catch the Express train (?)--_See
+page 156._]
+
+
+
+
+LIX.
+
+AFFERISIMS.
+
+
+ I suppoze the reazon why wimmin are so fast talkers, is bekause tha
+ dont hav tew stop tew spit on their hands.
+
+ After Joseph's bretheren had beat him out ov hiz cut ov menny cullers,
+ what did tha dew nex? Tha pittied him!
+
+ Thare is nothing in this life that will open the pores ov a man so
+ mutch, as tew fall in luv, it makes him fluent as a tin whissell, as
+ limber as a boy's watch chain, and as perlite as a dansing master; his
+ harte is as full ov sunshine as a hay field, and there aint any more
+ guile in him than there is in a stik ov merlasses candy.
+
+ Thare dont seem tew be enny end tew the ambishun ov men, but thare
+ is one thing that sum ov them will find out if tha ever dew get tew
+ heaven, and that is tha cant git enny further.
+
+ He who kan hold awl he gits, kan most generally git more.
+
+ Conshense, is onla another name for truth.
+
+ Yu kant alwus tell a gentleman by his clothes, but yu kan bi his
+ finger nails.
+
+ Adam invented "_Luv at first sight_," one ov the gratest laber saving
+ masheens the world ever saw.
+
+ It is a grave question whether, in curtailing super-fluitys in these
+ hard times, we have a moral right tew cut oph a dorg's tale tew save
+ the expense ov boarding it.
+
+ Are Greenbacks a lawful tender? If yu dont believe it tri one on me,
+ espeshila one ov the heavy ones.
+
+ Dont never parade yure good luck, nor yure bad luck before men, the
+ first will make them think less ov _yu_, and the second will make them
+ think more of _themselves_.
+
+ Thare are a grate multitude ov individuals who are like blind mules,
+ anxious enough to kick, but kant tell whare.
+
+ I hav herd a grate deal ced about "_broken hartes_," and thare may be
+ a fu ov them, but mi experiense is that nex tew the gizzard, the harte
+ is the tuffest peace ov meat in the whole critter.
+
+
+
+
+LX.
+
+JOSH GITS ORFULLY BIT.
+
+ I du consider musketers,
+ The moste pesky, ov all God's creeters.
+
+
+I hav finally ketched it. I hav bin like a lam led sudden tu the
+slauter and had mi blood sucked out ov me, az though it waz only sweet
+sider, and belonged tu sumbody else. I am a man ov peace, but low, and
+behold! there aint a peace in me now, but what iz bit, punkterd, and
+tore.
+
+ When muskeeters whisper in yure ear,
+ The devils angels are hovring near.
+
+I retired laste nite tu rest, at the usual time; on the north side ov
+me, and about 2 feet adjacent, waz the side ov the hous, on the south
+side ov me, and about 2 feet adjacent la mi wife. I dropt tu sleep,
+az a snoflake dus on the buzzum ov a silvery Lake, (i have a faint
+idee that this laste sentense, for lovlaness, kant be beat, handy.) I
+dreamed a good-sized, hot dream.
+
+ It felt like the breth ov a kanada Thissell,
+ A round mi hed, a triing tu Whissell
+
+ Suddenly i awoke.
+
+The room waz full ov yels, and skreams. responsiv I dashed wildly
+akross the room, ackompanied by mi shirt tale. i lit a lite. I harked,
+one ov mi moste reliable harks. Awl waz still; still az a crows nest,
+in the ded ov winter. I gazed a gaze, az tho i waz triing tu thread the
+rong end ov a kambrik needle. Awa in the distance, solitara, and alone,
+clus up tu the ceiling, chawing hiz cud, sot a little grey cuss. I
+dipped a koars towel into a basen ov water, and rung it out, i krept up
+under the little grey cuss, i tuk aim, and fired,
+
+ And hit the spot,
+ Whare the little grey cuss had sot.
+
+Awl waz still again. I onlighted the kandle, and saught mi kouch.
+
+
+
+
+LXI.
+
+THINGS THAT SUIT ME.
+
+
+ I like an aimabel man, (not one who will let yu spit on him,) but one
+ who don't want tew spit on enny boddy else.
+
+ I like a stirring man, (not one who stirs up musses,) but one who haz
+ got sumthing tew dew and duz it.
+
+ I like a good looking man, (not a pretty man), but one who looks
+ well--into things, one whom yu can't phule with a mare's nest, unless
+ he sees the old mare on it.
+
+ I like a gritty man, (not a dirty one), but one that pitches in like a
+ frog oph from a saw log, no matter how deep the water iz.
+
+I like a fass hoss, (one that goes fass bekauze he luvs tew), sich a
+critter iz half human; he never ought to be hitched tew a plough, he
+ought tew be took out ov hiz stable az a wild pigeon had out of hiz
+cage, and let him--go.
+
+
+I like a rat tarrier with hiz hair awl combed forward, hiz eyes on
+fire, hiz tale straight out stiff, evry muscle alive, and the entire
+dorg only 3 feet off from a rat hole.
+
+
+I like a woman, (handsum if it iz convenient,) with more wisdum than
+larning, chaste, but not frozen, soft, but not silly, and fond, but not
+fussy, sich wimmin are skase, and are going tew be skaser.
+
+
+I like religion, (the kind that wurks 6 days and rests on the 7,) which
+acks on a man's soul, az congriss water duz on hiz boddy, phesicks him
+well, but dont make him enny weaker.
+
+
+I like good order--good morals--good frends--and awl things well dun,
+except beefsteak, and that I want rare dun.
+
+
+
+
+LXII.
+
+MY FUST GONG.
+
+
+I never kan eradicate holy from mi memry the sound ov the first gong I
+ever herd--i was setting on the frunt stupe ov a tavern in the sitty
+ov Bufferlo, pensively a smokin. The sun was a goin tu bed, and the
+heavens fur and nere was blushing at the purformanse. The Eri kanall
+with its goldin waters was on its windin wa tu albany, and i was
+perusin the line botes, a flotin by, and thinkin ov Italy, (whare i
+used tu live,) and her gondolers, and gallus wimmin. Mi entire sole
+was, as it ware in a swet, i wanted tu climb, i felt grate, i aktually
+grew. Thar ar things in this life tu big tu be trifled with, thar ar
+times when a man brakes luce from hisself, when he sees speerits, when
+he kan almost tuch the moon, and feels as tho he kud fill both hands
+with the stars ov heavin and almost sware he was a bank president.
+Thats what ailed me. But the korse ov tru luv never did run smoove,
+(this iz Shakesperes opinion too, i and he often think thru one quill)
+just az i was duing my best, ... dummer, dummer, spat, bang, beller,
+crash, roar, ram, dummer, dummer, whang, rip, rare, rally, dummer,
+dummer, dummer dum, ... with one tremenjis jump, i struck the senter
+ov the side walk, with anuther i kleared the gutter and with anuther,
+i stud in the middle ov the strets snorting like a injin poney, at a
+band ov musik; i gazed in wilde dispare at the tavern stand, mi harte
+swelled up as big as an out door oven, mi teeth were as luce as a
+string ov prairy beads. I thout all the crokery in the tavern stand had
+fell down, i thout ov fenomenoms, i thought ov gabrel and his horn. i
+was just on the pint ov thinking ov sumthing else when the landlord
+cum out to the frunt stupe ov the tavern stand holding by a string the
+bottom ov an old brass kittle. He called me gentla with his hand i went
+slola and sadla tu him, he calmed mi feres, he ced it was a gong; i saw
+the cussed thing, he ced supper was reddy, he axed me if i would hav
+black or green tea and i ced i would.
+
+
+
+
+LXIII.
+
+PROVERBS.
+
+
+Up-and-down men are skase, but the horizontal are less skaser.
+
+
+Thare iz sum disseazes that kant be kured even bi deth, for we oftin
+see them brake out on a man's tombstun more violent than ever.
+
+
+The _burden_ ov menny ov the songs that are ritten iz the song itself.
+
+
+Thare iz no better kompliment tew vartue than this: "That Vise alwus
+konkocts her grate plans in the naim ov vartue."
+
+
+The tempel ov Fame iz lokated on an exceeding hi mountin, and yu hav
+got tew fli or kreep tew git tew it. (N. B. This provarb haz bin ced
+before, and ain't one ov mine, but it iz jiss as tru as tho it was.)
+
+
+Buty iz a short suckcess, but while it lastes it iz quite pretty.
+
+
+"The _flour_ ov the familee," iz, alas! quite oftin a little injun.
+
+
+If innersense iz onla the result ov ignoranse, it ain't enny more one
+ov the vartues than buty iz; but if it iz the effek ov eddikashun it iz
+the queen ov the vartues.
+
+
+Vartue needs awl the enemys she haz got, tew keep her tools bright and
+in order.
+
+
+I never beleaved mutch in _spirits_ unless tha kum direk from Jamaka,
+and then onla in small-sized ones.
+
+
+"Absense ov mind;" about 2 thirds ov the humin rase are trubbled with
+this kalamitee.
+
+
+It taiks 2 tew maik a bargin; it ought tew taik 2 tew brake it.
+
+
+Yu ma differ as mutch as yu plese about the stile ov a yung lady's
+figger, but i tell yu konfidenshally, if she has got $40,000, the
+figger is about as near rite as yu wil git it.
+
+
+"Glory enuff for one day;" attending a kamp meeting.
+
+
+Goldsmith sez, "Larn the luxury ov dewing good;" but the luxury, now a
+daze, consiss in larning how tew du a leetle better.
+
+
+I often hear affekshunate husbands kall their wifes "Mi Duck," i wunder
+if this ain't a sli delusion tew their big bills?
+
+
+
+
+LXIV.
+
+DISIPLIN IZ EVRATHING--IN 2 PARTS.
+
+
+_Part Fust_--I dont suppoze thare is enny dout about this assershun.
+A man who haint got propper disiplin, iz jist about ov az mutch uze
+tew hiz fellow critters az a wether cock wud be amung a parcil ov
+barnyard pulletts. Injuns haint got enny disciplin, and, konsequentla,
+the more injuns a man had tew run a kotton faktory with, the wus he
+wud be oph. Turning a grinstone iz fust rate disiplin. If a man ov
+ornary mind haint got disiplin, he bekums a lofer the fust good chanse
+he gits. Thare haz bin, perhaps, a fu individoals born into the world
+that did'nt want mutch disiplin--Homer, and Virgil, and Shakesper,
+and sich like, if tha had bin sot to turning a grinstone it mite hav
+spilt them--tha waz like Eagles, made tu fli without enny praktis.
+Disiplin iz evrathing. The thurer bred Hoss wants the smoothe bit ov
+disiplin--the mule wants the sled-stake disiplin.
+
+_Part Seckunt._--Majer Spenser had leaf ov abscense from his regiment,
+and was glad enuff, i tell yu, tew swap the pesky air ov the suthern
+konfederasy for the brittle breth ov Nu England. He spent his time a
+climeing the mountains ov his natiff land, and looking way down into
+the hollers; he worryed the trouts as tha swum up and down hill in the
+brooks, and he gethered penroyal for his good old Ma tu hang up in
+the wood hous chamber, tew make arb tea ov next winter. Majer Spenser
+had a brother who was a minister ov the gospil, and the Majer boarded
+with him. One Sunda nite the minister and the Majer sot kommuning
+together. The moon cum up out ov the East, as big as an old fashund
+kart wheel (one ov the ox kind ov kart wheels, i mean,) the stars stuk
+clean out ov the ski, and the air was filled with the musick ov the
+cows a chawing their cuds in the distance. All natur la undisturbed.
+"Brother," ced Parson, a braking the paws, "how did yu like divine
+sarvice to-day?" "Very well, sir, very well, sir," ced the Majer,
+"_if that dam deakin ov yurs hadn't refused to pra when yu asked him.
+Disiplin, sir, disiplin iz evry thing._"
+
+
+
+
+LXV.
+
+CORRESPONDENTS.
+
+
+_Olivia_--I never have visited the Mormons, but my friend Artemus Ward
+has, and he tells me they are a healthy people, and fond ov femail
+society. He says they hav more religion, akordin to their populashun,
+than tha kno what to dew with. They marry young and often. The
+produkshun ov the country iz Mormons. They beleaf in a hereafter, but
+it iz genrally a hereafter of wimmin. They are fond ov amusements, sich
+az pitching cents and sliding down hill.
+
+_Scipio_--If I had the dyspepsy I would buy me a hard trotting hoss
+(off from the kanawl,) and ride him bare back 40 miles a day for a
+spase ov time. If that didn't seem tew influense me, I would soke in
+cold water for 12 months. If that didn't seem tew influense me, I
+would issue proposals tew the lowest bidder to be fed for one year on
+bran bred and slippery elm tea. If that didn't seem tew influense
+me, I would sell my house and lot, and invest the proceeds in pattent
+medisin, and take the whole lot in rotashun. If that didn't seem tew
+influense me, I would cum tew the konklusion that I had the water
+brash, or some other thing, I didn't care which, and take a job ov
+thrashing out wet rye for evry tenth bushel, and git--well.
+
+_Clarence_--We never undertake tew return rejekted manuskrip. The fact
+iz, we don't read more than half we reject. It iz a way we hav got.
+
+_Matty_--It iz very natral that you should ask me in what manner you
+should reseave the proposal from your lover. It iz sumthing ov a trick
+tew dew it nice. You don't ought tew jump into the collar suddin, nor
+fly back suddin, like a bocky hoss, but yu ought tew take it kind,
+looking down hill, with an expreshun, about half tickled and half
+scart. After the pop iz over, if your luvver wants tew kiss you, I dont
+think I would say yes or no, but let the thing kind ov take its own
+course. There iz one thing I hav alwus stuck tew, and that iz, give me
+long courtships and engagements.
+
+_Stujent_--We never furnish ortograffs in less quantity than bi the
+package. It iz a bizness that grate men hav got into, but it dont strik
+us az being profitable nor amuzing. We furnished a near and very dear
+friend our ortograff a few years ago, for 90 days, and it got into the
+hands ov one of the banks, and it kost us $275 tew get it back. We went
+out of the bizzness then, and have not hankered for it sinse.
+
+
+
+
+LXVI.
+
+JOSH BILLINGS AT SARATOGA SPRINGS.
+
+
+It will probely fill you with an arnest solisitude for mi fate, az it
+dus me with emoshuns of stupenjus grander, tu find miself at this grate
+modern Siloam, this august whirlpool ov wine, wimmin and hosses; this
+fairy sceen ov poetry, dreams, and natural fisick. Upon mi arival,
+i took immegiate rooms at the tavern called the "_Union_ now and
+forever," and commensed at onst tu kreate a sensashun--"Dignatum hok
+hanimum disisimo." This centiment is from the Chocktaw ov Raphael, and
+is one ov mi faverite quotashuns.
+
+The town is about haf full ov folks, menny of them hav been highly
+renowned. I kould name them personaly by name, but this wud look like
+affekshun in me, az tha hav alreddy sent in their kard, and begged the
+privilege ov kalling on me, at mi moste soonest spare time. It will
+be impossible for me, my amiable friends, tu give yu ennything like
+a well digested orashun, ov the eckstatick wonders that hover around
+me, among which i am permitted tu menshun the pensiv modesta ov the
+unmarried; the gushing rapture ov the married; the shadowy tenderness
+ov the widders, and the universal fisick that fills up the pauzes.
+Theze are subjecks which hav bin writ onto so much that all the good
+things haz bin said.
+
+It iz a source ov grate pride tu see so menny here from youre citty,
+and what fills me with gratitude tu an overruling Providence, iz the
+fac that their festiv naturs develop into such lovelyness here; thare
+iz dekon L----, and Elder P----, for instanze, with whom i take a drink
+evry time tha ask me. I think now that i shall remain here for sevral
+years. I am allmost sorry i didn't bring mi jewelry trunk with me; i'll
+bet i could hav sold a thousand Dollars worth a da, ov brest pins. It
+iz a fust rate place here tu buy hosses cheap. i waz offered 2 carriage
+hosses for onla 25 hundred dollars; i shud hav tuk them, but i couldn't
+hire enny boddy tu take them hum for me. There iz a grate menny here
+who talk with a forrin tung. I am trieing it. My wife laffs at me, and
+kalls me "her dark komplekted one!"--Tha hav got here alreddy tu or
+three billyard tabils in suckcessful operrashun, and i am told that, if
+pease iz declared, nex season tha intend tu start a 10-pin allee.
+
+Congriss Spring is lokated here; it tasts verry much like sumthing
+or ruther, i kant tell which, and iz now generally admitted tu be
+kartharticus. I am partiklar impressed with the moral centiment that
+pervades things here. I am told a man wanted tu hire a room tu gamble
+in with dominoze, but the authoritize immejiately burnt him in effigee.
+Dimonds are trumps here, and menny good hands are held. Thare is no end
+tu the number ov selebrated belles here. Thare is one that cums out
+about 3 o'clock every day, that takes them all down. I allude now in
+a kind ov burleskish wa tu the _dinner_-bell. But, after all, Solomon
+gits mi time when he bust out in this fashun, "All is vanitee and
+vexashun of spirits." Good for Solomon! Mi christain friends, good-bi.
+
+ JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+
+
+LXVII.
+
+NOT ENNY SHANGHI FOR ME.
+
+
+The shanghi ruseter is a gentile, and speaks in a forrin tung. He is
+bilt on piles like a Sandy Hill crane. If he had bin bilt with 4 legs,
+he wud resembel the peruvian lama. He is not a game animil, but quite
+often cums off sekund best in a ruff and tumble fite; like the injuns,
+tha kant stand sivilization, and are fast disappearing. Tha roost on
+the ground, similar tew the mud turkle. Tha oftin go to sleep standing,
+and sum times pitch over, and when tha dew, tha enter the ground like a
+pickaxe. Thare food consis ov korn in the ear. Tha crow like a jackass,
+troubled with the bronskeesucks. Tha will eat as mutch tu onst as a
+district skule master, and ginerally sit down rite oph tew keep from
+tipping over. Tha are dredful unhandy tew cook, yu hav tu bile one eend
+ov them tu a time, yu kant git them awl into a potash kittle tu onst.
+The femail ruster lays an eg as big as a kokernut, and is sick for a
+week afterwards, and when she hatches out a litter of yung shanghis she
+has tew brood them standing and then kant kiver but 3 ov them--the rest
+stand around on the outside, like boys around a cirkus tent, gitting
+a peep under the kanvas when ever tha kan. The man who fust brought
+the breed into this kuntry ought tew own them all and be obliged tew
+feed them on grasshoppers, caught bi hand. I never owned but one and
+he got choked tu deth bi a kink in a clothes line, but not until he
+had swallered 18 feet ov it. Not enny shanghi for me, if yu pleze; i
+wuld rather board a travelling kolporter, and as for eating one, giv me
+a biled owl rare dun, or a turkee buzzard, roasted hole, and stuffed
+with a pair ov injun rubber boots, but not enny shanghi for me, not a
+shanghi!
+
+
+
+
+LXVIII.
+
+IS DISPOSING OV THINGS FOR CHARITABEL PURPOSES BI "LOT" A SIN?
+
+EXAMINED BY JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+_Fustly_--I think it is a sin. So it is a sin tew dew a sin, that good
+may cum out ov it, but the good that comes out ov it aint a sin, is it?
+Ha!
+
+_Sekundly_--I think it is a sin onse more. So i think the manefakter ov
+sider brandee is a sin, but the use ov it tew kure the rhumatiz aint a
+sin mutch.
+
+_Thirdly_--I think it is a sin onse morely. So is this war a sin, but
+we awl of us are in hopes that its fruits will be righteousness, and
+righteousness aint no sin.
+
+_Fourthly_--I keep thinking that it is a sin. So is cutting oph a dog's
+tale tew keep it from gitting stepped on, a sin, but it dont hurt the
+dog for ketching rats, duz it?
+
+_Fifthly_ and _lastly_, i kno it is a sin. Bekase awl those who make
+the most fuss about it, are the verry ones, who if tha shud be misled
+into buying a tiket for one dollar and didn't draw a mowing masheen,
+wud feal rite off as tho the Lord warnt on their side.
+
+_Moral._--Dont engage in a "Lot," unless yu are parfekly willing the
+Lord shud have the tiket and the mowing masheen too.
+
+[Illustration: "Not enny Shanghi for me, not enny."--_See page 189._]
+
+
+
+
+LXIX.
+
+ADVERTIZEMENT.
+
+
+I kan sell for eighteen hundred and thirty-nine dollars, a pallas,
+a sweet and pensive retirement, lokated on the virgin banks ov the
+Hudson, kontaining 85 acres. The land is luxuriously divided by
+the hand of natur and art, into pastor and tillage, into plain and
+deklivity, into stern abruptness, and the dallianse ov moss-tufted
+medder; streams ov sparkling gladness, (thick with trout,) danse
+through this wilderness ov buty, tew the low musik ov the kricket and
+grasshopper. The evergreen sighs az the evening zephir flits through
+its shadowy buzzum, and the aspen trembles like the luv-smitten harte
+ov a damsell. Fruits ov the tropicks, in golden buty, melt on the bows,
+and the bees go heavy and sweet from the fields to their garnering
+hives. The manshun iz ov Parian marble, the porch iz a single diamond,
+set with rubiz and the mother ov pearl; the floors are ov rosewood,
+and the ceilings are more butiful than the starry vault of heavin. Hot
+and cold water bubbles and squirts in evry apartment, and nothing is
+wanting that a poet could pra for, or art could portray. The stables
+are worthy of the steeds ov Nimrod or the studs ov Akilles, and its
+henery waz bilt expressly for the birds of paradice; while somber in
+the distance, like the cave ov a hermit, glimpses are caught ov the
+dorg-house. Here poets hav cum and warbled their laze--here skulptors
+hav cut, here painters hav robbed the scene ov dreamy landskapes, and
+here the philosopher diskovered the stun, which made him the alkimist
+ov natur. Nex northward ov this thing ov buty, sleeps the residense
+and domain ov the Duke John Smith; while southward, and nearer the
+spice-breathing tropicks, may be seen the barronial villy ov Earl
+Brown, and the Duchess, Widder Betsy Stevens. Walls ov primitiff rock,
+laid in Roman cement, bound the estate, while upward and downward, the
+eye catches far away, the magesta and slow grander ov the Hudson. As
+the young morn hangs like a cutting ov silver from the blu brest ov the
+ski, an angel may be seen each night dansing with golden tiptoes on the
+green. (N. B. This angel goes with the place.)
+
+Biagrams kan be seen at the offiss ov the broker. Terms flattering.
+None but principals delt with. Title as pure as the breth ov a white
+male infant, and possession given with the lark. For more full
+deskripshun, read Ovid's Art ov Luv, or kall (in yure carriage) on Josh
+Billings, Real Estate Agent.
+
+
+
+
+LXX.
+
+OUT WEST!
+
+
+Tha sa the praree chickens are so thik, out West, tha hav tew put up
+poles awl over the kuntry for them tew roost on.
+
+When tha bust up, out there, tha pay their debts, by jineing the church.
+
+It being agin the law tew carry consealed weepons, evry man carrys one
+in his hand.
+
+A man who don't kno how tew pla uker, would not be believed under oath.
+
+It iz 5 dollars fine, in Cinsinnatti, tew strike a hog, in anger.
+
+Tha don't bore for ile, out thare, tha bore for whiskee, and hav the
+best luk in the visinity ov the graveyards.
+
+In sum parts, out West, it iz almoste unpossibel tew git water; one
+man in Pike County dug a well 90 feet deep, and then struk a bed ov
+sawdust; he put in an injine, and iz pumping out a 1000 bushel a da,
+which he sells tew the Government, for hoss feed.
+
+The prinsipal produkshuns or the kuntry are, whiskee in the ear, and
+rale rode stok in the bundle.
+
+
+
+
+LXXI.
+
+SAYINS.
+
+
+About the only difference between the poor and the ritch, is this, the
+poor _suffer_ mizery, while the ritch hav tu _enjoy_ it.
+
+
+"Bee yee as wize as a sarpint, and as harmlis as a duve," and then if a
+feller cums a fooling around yure duve, yu kan set yure sarpint at him.
+
+
+Rize arly, work hard, and late, live on what yu kant sell, giv nothing
+awa, and if yu dont die ritch, and go tu the devil, yu ma sue me for
+damages.
+
+
+Marrin for love ma be a little risky, but it is so honest, that God
+kant help but smile on it.
+
+
+There is one thing I kant never forgit nor I hain tried to, and that
+is, the fust time I kissed a gal.
+
+
+If I was asked, "what is the chief end of man now a daze," I should
+immegiatly repli, "10 per cent."
+
+
+Yu may argy a bull Tarrier out ov a bone, but yu kant argy a woman out
+ov her will.
+
+
+Mi advise tu them who are about tu begin, in arnest, the jurney ov
+life, is tu take their harte in one hand and a club in the other.
+
+
+The biggest glutton I ever herd tell ov, was the feller out in
+Indianny, who eat a pair ov twin lams for brekfast, and then chased the
+ole yew three miles and a haf.
+
+
+The peacock has one ov the most butifullest tails in the world, but i
+tak notis he dont drag it on the ground when he walks out.
+
+
+
+
+LXXII.
+
+A WIMMIN'S LEAGUE MEETIN.
+
+
+I don't kno when i hav bin filled so near up tew the brim with a fond
+feelink for the fair sek az i was last nite at mi natiff plase, the
+good old borough ov Billingsville, whither i had gone on a visit tew
+git mi boots tapped. The wimmin had called a meetin' ov the fair sekts
+tew take into konsiderashun the propriety ov not wareing enny more
+clothes, that is, forrin bilt clothes. The meetin waz got into shape bi
+kalling Mrs. Peleg Pewter tew the chair. The fust thing she did waz tew
+create a silence, which she did after about 30 minnits, awl excep a fu
+whispering, which she could not dry up.
+
+The style ov the meetin' having bin sot up in big type bi the Mrs.
+Peleg Pewter, she ced thare waz an opening, and no less than 4 wimmin
+started for the opening at onst; but the president decided that Mrs.
+Cynthee Coon waz about one neck ahed, and tharefore, waz entitled
+tew the fust heat. She waz a woman about 14 hands hi, and wore wollen
+stockings. She ced she waz for home manafakter and waz agin awl luxury
+excep a nu shawl, and that she must hav. She ced she waz willing tew
+giv up silk, but she must hav 1 more nu shawl if it bust her.
+
+She ced she thought thare ought tew be sum diskriminashun between what
+folks didn't want and what tha did, and for her part she was reddy tew
+go her length or ennyboddy else's length agin the noshun that poor
+people had ov hankering after imported goods.
+
+Her speech lasted for about 2 hours, and was listened to with
+breathless expense. When she sot down the wimmin gathered around her;
+sum ov them held camphor tew her noze, sum ov them unhooked her dress,
+and one ov them, more thoughtful than the rest, mixed up a gin sling,
+which she struggled with for a minnit, and then ced it did her soul
+good. A committee ov 3 ov the heavyest wimmin was appointed bi the
+chair with power tew draw up a sett ov resolushuns which was reported
+as follows:
+
+_Whereas_, resolved, that silks, and shawls, and so forth, are a luxury
+from imported kuntrys, and we are down on them.
+
+_Resolved_, that we are down on silks and shawls.
+
+_Resolved_, that we wont uze silks and shawls onla in case ov sickness.
+
+_Resolved_, that the foregoing resolushuns be published 3 times a week
+in the _Billingsville Weekly_, and that our husbands foot the bills or
+we foot them--the bills.
+
+_Resolved_, that we pledg ourselfs, our fortins, and our natiff land,
+tew sustane the above sett ov resolushuns.
+
+After taking a pinch ov snuff, and kissing awl around, the meeting
+broke up tew meet "sine die" on the next Teusday.... Ov course no
+male man was allowed at the meetin', but i receaved a koppa ov the
+resolushuns the nex morning, accompanyed with mi respeks.
+
+
+
+
+LXXIII.
+
+A TRUE FISH STORY FOUNDED ON FAK.
+
+
+In a little town awa out wes whar i used tew liv, thare wast two elders
+resided. One ov them wast a Babtiss, Gaffit bi name, and the other wast
+a Methodis, Sturgiss bi name, and both ov them wast as good fellers as
+ever sarved the Lord. As good luk wud hav it tha both had a revival ov
+religion in their floks at the same time. Gaffit was a cunning critter,
+besides being as harmless as the duv. Thare was but one pond in the
+town, and that was used for babtizing by agreement, on wensday ov each
+week, bi Gaffit, and on saturday bi Sturgiss. One wensday, as Gaffit
+was engaged in marking his sheep, or in uther wurds, was bi the side ov
+the little pond ov water adminstering the rite ov babtism tew a goodla
+number, whom he had coaxed awa from the wiles ov the devil, Sturgiss
+looked in upon the happy scene, with eys brimful ov luv. Amung the
+menny who ware waiting tew be babtized, Sturgiss diskovered sevral
+whom he had convikted, and whom he expekted tew add tew his flok on the
+cumming saturda. The nex da the two elders met, Sturgiss charged Gaffit
+with the pious fraud he had detekted bi the side ov the little pond.
+Gaffit's eyes puckered with delite, as he listened tew the charge,
+then seezin the methodis elder bi the hand with an extra pucker in his
+eye, whispered: "Brother Sturgiss, mi father larnt me when i was but a
+little fisher-boy, tew string mi fish as fast as i ketched 'em."
+
+
+
+
+LXXIV.
+
+AT SARATOGA SPRINGS.
+
+
+I arrived here nite before last at arly kandle lite. Mi wife and 2
+children ackompanyed me. The fust thing that i did was tu call for a
+tavern; i got one immegiately, and took a room, from choice, in the
+Seventh story, all the rooms above wer took. The tavern whare i stop,
+is called the Union, one, and inseprable. The bar is stocked with the
+choicest lickers. Thare must be 3 or 4 hundred black serviants here,
+tha all wear white aporns, and hav their hair curled clos. The tavern
+keeper rings a gong with a klub when the vittles is reddy, and then the
+boarders march in; 'tis a moste effecting site! I havent et ennything
+yet but briled chickens. I gess evry body here knows me, tha look at me
+so. I kreated a sensashun yesterday after dinner, on the front stupe
+ov the tavern, by calling a cullard servant tu pick mi teeth. I herd
+one ov the ladys sa, "i was an English Lord, she had saw me at Nuport
+laste seson." I shall sta here as long as i can injuce mi females tu
+remain. This is the place where the congriss water cums from; tha dip
+it up out ov a hole in the ground, with a roof over it, you can drink 4
+or 5 tumblers ov it tu onst, without swallering; it tastes a good deal
+like sumthing i never tasted before, and it operates on the inwards
+for all the world, just like pills. It dus look so funny tu see 8 or 9
+hundred mails, and femails, all taking fisick tu once; 'tis a pensiv
+sight! The town kontains about 6 thousand folks, and about as menny
+more individuals; the individuals spend their time going up and down
+the back stairs and taking fisick. The natur ov the sile around here
+is sandy, and pine trees, about half and half. Thare is a rase course
+here, built in a sircile, whare tha make hosses go round and round;
+tis delitesum tu behold! Three miles out east of the village tha hav
+built a fashionable pond; evrybody goes thare tu spend their munny; tha
+ask 8 cents a glass for their whiska! The sosietah here is permiskus,
+blaklegs and deakons, divines and pugerlistics, judges and jockeys,
+congressmen and harlots, devils and Quakers, so judciously mixed up,
+'tis food for the filosopick mind. A grate menny young wimmin are
+brought here annually tu git married; the kourting is all did by the
+mothers, in fac the wimmin du it all here excep pay the bills. A man
+at Saratoger don't hav enny more tu sa, or du, than an old gander dus
+when a goose is setting. The citizens ov this place hav onla one kind
+ov religion or pollyticks, and that is congriss water. I kant rite enny
+more just now, i hav got tu go down stairs.
+
+ Aju, JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+
+
+LXXV.
+
+SPIRITUAL BELIEF OV THE BILLINGSES.
+
+
+We beleaf in ardent spirits--sich az charitee, parsaveranse, and
+patrotism. We beleaf in animil spirits--sich az fast hosses, vigerous
+cats, and ambishus rat terriers. We beleaf in the spirits ov 76--sich
+az ole Jamaka, and Santa Cruize, jist a little for the rumatiz. We
+beleaf in the evidence ov departed spirits, a good deal--sich az
+temprance houses, lemonade picknix, and water kure establishments. We
+beleaf in the spirits of just men--but beleaf they ar skase. We beleaf
+in the spirit ov revenge--if a muskeeter bites you without provocation,
+kill awl the muskeeters, nex ov kin, in the naberhood. We beleaf in the
+spirit ov forgiveness--if we owe a man, and we won't pay him, let him
+forgiv the det.
+
+
+
+
+LXXVI.
+
+JOSH BILLINGS CORRESPONDS WITH A "HAIR OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN".
+
+
+_Dear Doktor Hirsute_:--I reseaved a tin cup ov yure "Hair purswader,"
+also a bottle ov yure "Salvashum Bitters", bi express, for which, I
+express my thanks. The greenbak, which yu enklozed waz the kind ov
+purswader that we ov the press fully understand. Yur hair greese, shall
+hav a reglar gimnastik puff, jist az soon az i kan find a spare time.
+I tried a little ov it on an old counter brush in my offiss, this
+morning, and in 15 minnitts, the brussells grew az long az a hosses
+tale, and i notis this afternoon, the hair begins tew cum up thru, on
+bak ov the brush, 'tis really wonderful! 'tis almoste Eureka! I rubbed
+a drop or two on the head ov mi cane, which haz bin bald for more than
+5 years, and beggar me! if I don't hav to shave the cane handle, evry
+day, before I can walk out with it. I hav a verry favrite cat, she iz
+one ov the Hambletonian breed ov cats, and altho she iz young, and
+haint bin trained yet, she shows grate signs ov speed. I thought I
+would just rob the corck ov the bottle on the floor, in the corner ov
+the room whare the cat generally repozes. The consequents waz, sum ov
+the "purswader" got onto the hair ov the cat's tale. When the cat aroze
+from her slumbers she caught sight ov her tale, which had growed tew
+an exalted size; taking one more look at the tale, she started, and bi
+the good olde Mozes! sich running; across the yard! over the fence! up
+wun side ov an apple tree! and down the other! out into the fields,
+away! away! The laste i saw ov the cat, she waz pretty mutch awl tale.
+I wouldn't hav took 10 dollars for the cat, with her old tale on her.
+In a fu daze, i shall find a spare time, and then i shall write up, for
+our paper sumthing pyroteknik, which will make the hair grow on the
+head ov a number 2 mackrel, to read it.
+
+Dear Doktor, the fact iz, "sum men are born grate, sum men git grate
+after they are born, and sum men hav grateness hove upon them." Doctor,
+you are awl 3 ov these men, in one. You are a kind ov vegatable
+trinity, sassyfrass, pokeroot, and elderberry. It waz a happee thought
+in you, tew call your "Salvashun Bitters" a "vegatabel tonicks,"
+although, old rye aint one ov the vegatabels, whiskee iz one ov the
+tonicks. The peopel must hev tonicks, and the more vegatabels you kan
+git into the gratest amount ov whiskee, the more the peopel will luv
+you. Thare is nothing the christian world long for so mutch, just
+now, as a vegatabel bitter. Sassyfrass is good for a lonesum stummuk,
+pokeroot is an alteratiff, and Elderberry was known to the anshients,
+but what! oh tell me what! yee whispring winds, what! are awl these
+without whiskee. Thank the Lord, that at laste, we hav got a bitter,
+that will tonick a man up. Nothing, sinze the good old daze ov Jamaka
+Rum, and sider Brandee, haz sent sich a thrill ov joy thru the wurld,
+az "Hirsute's Salvashun Bitters," sold respektably bi awl druggists,
+far and near.
+
+Go on Doktur, manafaktring, and selling, let the cod liver, and pattent
+truss men, howl out in envy, let pills rant, and plasters rave, you hav
+got what the wurld wants, and will have, and that iz, an erb bitter,
+with a broad whiskee basis.
+
+N. B.--Bizziness, Doctor, iz bizziness. The hi prise ov material,
+and laber, haz put up puffs with us, but upon the reseipt ov 50
+Dollars more, yu kan rely upon sumthing, in our weekly, that will send
+"Salvashun, and Purswashun" whirling thru the land.
+
+P. S.--Let me advize yu az a friend; if it iz indispensible necessary
+tew cheat a little, in the manufakter ov the "Salvashun Bitters," let
+it by awl means be in the rutes, dont lower the basis.
+
+ Yures quietly,
+
+ JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+
+
+LXXVII.
+
+PROVERBS.
+
+
+He who buys begrudgingly, pays the higest prise and gits nothing that
+sutes him.
+
+
+It iz jist about az mutch mizery tew _want_ a dimond ring, as tew
+_want_ a shirt.
+
+
+The author who rites for bred, wil giv hiz reeders a taste ov emptins.
+
+
+I never knu a fool who hadn't a good voice.
+
+
+Thieves hunt in couples, but a liar has no accomplice.
+
+
+Az men gro older, their opinyuns, like their disseazes, grow kronick.
+
+
+Wimmin _luv_ their hustbands, but tha _worship_ their bonnets.
+
+
+The man who kant liv a week on hope, and then maik a harty meal on the
+result is no philozopher.
+
+
+I often cum akross inidividoals, quite oftenly, who think tha hav never
+committed enny sins or indiscreshuns in this life, such people i pitty,
+for they wont kno when they git to heaven.
+
+
+Az a gineral thing, if yu want tew git at the truth ov a perlitikal
+argyment, hear both sides and beleave neither.
+
+
+Thare iz a multitude of folks who mean well enuff but how like the
+devel tha act.
+
+
+Opportunitays, like eggs don't kum but one at a time.
+
+
+I luv to gaze upon a hily eddikated and intilektooal woman, but I kant
+sa that I want tew belong tew one ov this klass.
+
+
+True honour iz a keen perception ov what iz rite, falze honour iz a
+keen affectashun ov what iz rong.
+
+
+"Giv the devil hiz due," reads wel enuff in a proverb, but mi friend
+what will bekum ov you and me if this arrangement iz carried out?
+
+
+If yu are happy, dont proklaim it tew the world, the world dont luv tew
+hear about sich things.
+
+
+A jest iz sumthing that a fule admires, and a wize man laffs at.
+
+
+Vartue that haint bin tempted, and wine that haint bin tasted, iz verry
+good vartue, and verry good wine, in bottles.
+
+
+Thare iz jist this difference between a fule and a hen, the fule
+cackels before, and the hen not till after the egg iz lade.
+
+
+
+
+LXXVIII.
+
+DOMESTIK RECEIPTS IN FULL.
+
+
+Tew sarve up cowcumbers--pick them when the dew is on them, pare them
+neatly, slice them thin, add salt and let them stand for 60 minnitts,
+pepper them freely, add good sharpe vinegar, and then--raze up the
+window carefully, and throw them out.
+
+
+Tew make watermelons the old fashioned wa--steal them bi moonlite, and
+eat them in the next lot.
+
+
+Lobsters want tew be boiled whole till they are ded, pour ice cream
+over them, send for the docktor, eat them before going tu bed, and tell
+yure friends the next da, that yu hav bin threatened with an attak ov
+the--rebbels.
+
+
+Tew remove goose pimples--skin the goose.
+
+[Illustration: Women's Rights Convention--Mrs. Peleg Pewter takes the
+chair.--_See page 200._]
+
+
+Tew kure hams--bathe them in Hostetter's Bitters.
+
+
+Tew bring up a child in the wa he should go--travel that wa yourself.
+
+
+
+
+LXXIX.
+
+FAKS.
+
+
+Josh Billings, begs leaf tu state:
+
+That onions are _good_ for a _bad_ breth.
+
+That Rockawa clams are a good opening for enny yung man.
+
+That ships are kalled _she_ bekauze tha alwus keep a man on the
+_lookout_.
+
+That "turning water into wine" is a mirakle in theze days worth, at
+least, 300 per cent.
+
+That boys aint ap to turn out well who dont git up till 10 o'clock in
+the morning.
+
+That, if a man is agoing tu make a bizness ov sarving the Lord, he
+likes tu see him du it when he measures up onions as well as when he
+hollers glory halleluyer!
+
+That wisdum aint nothing more than edikated cunning.
+
+
+
+
+LXXX.
+
+ON LECTURES.
+
+
+ Dec. 9, 1864
+
+I take my pen in hand, to inform you, that i am in the Lekturing
+bizzness. I have jined the army ov martyrs, and am having a healthy
+time. I lektured laste nite, tew a flooded house. Had a revival, evry
+fu minnits, it would hav did yu good, tew hear the people holler.
+The way things look now, i think i shall be able tew retire from
+private life, in a fu months, and keep 3 or 4 dogs, and a fish pond.
+Yesterday, i reseaved a dunnin letter, from mi fashionable tailor, for
+a coat, that has bin wore out, more than 2 years. I replied tew the
+limited cuss, briefly, as follers: "Dear sur--Enklozed, pleze find 20
+dollars--if yu can. Yures, sum, Josh Billings."
+
+I thought i would try a tragik lektur at fust, but tragediz are gitting
+so common, now a daze, that yu kan git them done, and warrented, for 25
+dollars. Mi Lektur is the normal comick, with an okasional effort tew
+be witty.
+
+I hope you are well, and hav a good appetight. Remember me kindly
+tew Reub Fenton, when yu see him.--I also reseaved 2 letters bi to
+daez male, which i will let yu answer for me; thru yure valuable
+collums.--One ov them is from an individoal, who sines his name
+"Hennery," and tuther is from a person bi the name ov "Mirakle."
+
+_Hennery_:--The best time tew sett a hen, is when the hen is reddy. I
+kant tell you what the best breed is, but the shanghigh is the meanest.
+It kosts as mutch tew board one, as it duz a stage hoss, and yu mite as
+well undertake tew fat a fanning-mill, by running oats thru it. Thare
+aint no proffitt in keeping a hen for his eggs, if he laze less than
+one a day. Hens are very long lived, if they dont contrakt the thrut
+disseaze,--thare is a grate menny goes tew pot, evry year, bi this
+melankolly disseaze. I kant tell exactly how tew pick out a good hen,
+but as a genral thing, the long-eared ones, are kounted the best. The
+one-legged ones, i kno, are the lest ap tew skratch up the garden. Eggs
+packed in equal parts ov salt, and lime water, with the other end down,
+will keep from 30, or 40, years, if they are not disturbed. Fresh
+beef-stake is good for hens; i serpoze 4 or 5 pounds a day, would be
+awl a hen would need, at fust along. I shall be happee tew advise with
+yu, at enny time, on the hen question, and--take it in egg.
+
+_Mirakle_:--Yu sa "yu kant understand the mirakle ov the whale, that
+swallered Joner". I dont serpoze that Joner, nor the whale, ever fully
+understood it themselfs. I hav thought that it was eazyer for the whale
+tew swaller Joner, than it was for the outsiders, tew swaller the
+mirakel. I kant tell yu what Joner did while in the whale's sosiety;
+but i kno what a yankee would hav did, he would hav rigged a rudder
+on the animal, and run him into port, and either klaimed the ile for
+salvage, or sold out his chanse tew a petroleun grease company.
+
+
+
+
+LXXX.
+
+YANKEE NOSHUNS.
+
+
+The noshun that skule houzens are cheaper than stait prizens.
+
+
+The noshun that men are a better krop tew raize than enny thing else.
+
+
+The noshun that the whole wurld is the markit for a man's wits.
+
+
+The noshun that a people who hav branes enuff kant be governed bi enny
+body but themselfs.
+
+
+The noshun that if yu kant make a man think az yu do; try and make him
+do az yu think.
+
+
+The noshun that the United States iz liable at any time tew be doubled,
+but aint liable at enny time tew be divided.
+
+
+The noshun that Uncle Sam kan thrash hiz own children when tha need it,
+and kan thrash the hole wurld besides.
+
+
+The noshun that Yankees are a fourordained rase, and kant be kept from
+spredding, and striking in, enny more than turpentine kan when it once
+gits luce.
+
+
+
+
+LXXXII.
+
+ATTENTION! SQUAD!
+
+
+Men kalkulate with perfek accurasy, the rate ov speed attained bi
+earthly boddys, and ov moste matter, whether sublunary, or ov a
+heavenly natur. They tell us how long a ra ov light is on the way
+from the sun--how fass a comet travels--the best time that lightning
+can make--when the stars visit, and how long they are about it--the
+fraktional lapse kontained in the hop ov a flea--the flite ov a
+swallow--the velosity ov sound, and the smartness ov a hurrycane. They
+kan tell us how long it takes old Borus, after he leaves his cave, to
+reach this earth, and button up the coats ov shivring mortals. But i
+hav sarched their theorys and ransacked their mathematicks in vain,
+tew diskover the haste ov a Slander. But we kno ov nothing, on the
+earth, or above it, that equals it in quickness. It travels as well
+in the dark, as in the light--knows no law ov gravitashun, nor ov
+heat, or cold--is not traceable, or definable--has no parentage, and
+frequently no objek--is not matter, nor an essence--may fly in the
+glance ov an eye, or be felt in the point ov a finger--is the pet ov
+almost evry one--can hav the ear when charity, love, and the delikate
+pashuns, plead in vain--is everywhare in an instant--feeds upon nothing
+but sweet things, has more friends than truth, is a lie, faster than
+the wings ov the wind, and twin racer to thought--steals into the
+sakred pulpit--at midnite, robs the chaste maiden ov the ruddy truth
+in her cheeks--hangs sackcloth upon the manly form ov honesta--cums
+in a whisper--is misterious as an echo--will betray for a prise--has
+made kings tremble--has dried up the warm pulse ov hope, and driven
+modesta shreeking away--is a skorpion, invisible, but full ov madness,
+and menny stings. Who kan tell its whereabouts? Who can rate its speed?
+Who kan annylize its meanness? Who has not listened tew its preshious
+falsehoods? and who will not, with me, pronounse it a renegade, the
+common enemy ov humanitee? and who that kan shoot flieing, will not
+help tew bring down the base bird? Attenshun, squad!
+
+[Illustration: Josh Billings delivers an extemporaneous political
+lecture.--_See page 219._]
+
+
+
+
+LXXXIII.
+
+THE FUST BABY.
+
+
+The fust baby has bekum one ov the fixed stars ov life; and ever since
+the fust one was born, on the rong side of the gardin ov Eden, down
+tew the little stranger ov yesterday, they hav never failed tew be
+a budget ov mutch joy--an event ov mutch gladness. Tew wake up some
+cheerful morning, and cee a pair ov soft eyes looking into yours--to
+wonder how so mutch buty could have been entrusted to you--to sarch out
+the father, or the mother, in the sweet little fase, and then loze the
+survey, in an instant of buty, as a laffing Angel lays before you--tew
+pla with the golden hare, and sow fond kisses upon this little bird in
+yure nest--tiz this that makes the fust baby, the joy ov awl joys--a
+feast ov the harte. Tew find the pale Mother again bi yure side, more
+luvly than when she was wooed--tew see a new tenderness in her eye, and
+tew hear the chastened sweetness ov her laff, as she tells something
+new about "Willie"-tew luv her far more than ever, and tew find oftimes
+a prayer on yure lips--tiz this that makes the fust baby a fountain ov
+sparkling plezzure. Tew watch the bud on yure rosebush, tew ketch the
+fust notes ov yure song-bird, tew hear the warm praze ov kind frends,
+and tew giv up yure hours tew the trezzure--tiz this that makes the
+fust baby a gift that Angels hav brought yu. Tew look upon the trak
+that life takes--tew see the sunshine and shower--tew plead for the
+best, and shrink from the wust--tew shudder when sikness steals on, and
+tew be chastened when death comes--tiz this--oh! tiz this that makes
+the fust baby a hope upon arth, and a gem up in heaven.
+
+
+
+
+LXXXIV.
+
+LAUGHING.
+
+
+Laughing is strikly an amuzement, altho some folks make a bizzness ov
+it. It haz bin considered an index ov karakter, and thare iz sum, so
+close at reasoning, that they say, they kan tell what a man had for
+dinner, by seeing him laff. I never saw two laff alike. While thare are
+some, who dont make enny noise, thare are sum, who dont make ennything
+but noise; and sum agin, who hav musik in their laff, and others, who
+laff just az a rat duz, who haz caught a steel trap, with his tale.
+Thare is no mistake in the assershun, that it is a cumfert tew hear sum
+laffs, that cum rompin out ov a man's mouth, just like a distrik school
+ov yung girls, let out tew play. Then agin thare iz sum laffs, that
+are az kold and meaningless az a yesterday's bukwheat pancake,--that
+cum out ov the mouth twisted, and gritty, az a 2 inch auger, drawed
+out ov a hemlok board. One ov these kind ov laffs haz no more cumfert
+in it than the--stummuk ake haz, and makes yu feel, when yu hear it,
+az though yu waz being shaved bi a dull razer, without the benefit ov
+soap, or klergy. Men who never laff may have good hearts, but they are
+deep seated,--like sum springs, they hav their inlet and outlet from
+below, and show no sparkling bubble on the brim. I don't like a gigler,
+this kind ov laff iz like the dandylion, a feeble yeller, and not a bit
+ov good smell about it. It iz true that enny kind ov a laff iz better
+than none,--but giv me the laff that looks out ov a man's eyes fust,
+to see if the coast is clear, then steals down into the dimple ov his
+cheek, and rides in an eddy thare awhile, then waltzes a spell, at the
+korners ov his mouth, like a thing ov life, then busts its bonds ov
+buty, and fills the air for a moment with a shower ov silvery tongued
+sparks,--then steals bak, with a smile, to its lair, in the harte, tew
+watch agin for its prey,--this it is the kind ov laff that i luv, and
+aint afrade
+
+
+
+
+LXXXV.
+
+PIONEERS.
+
+
+God bless the pironeers--the whole ov them--inkluding the man who fust
+rode a mule. Hiz name waz Stickfasst, he will be remembered az long az
+black wax will be, hiz posterity have aul bin good stickers, sum ov
+the best clothes-pins the world ever saw, cum from this familee....
+I remember olde Buffaloo. He waz a sunsett pironeer; he started tew
+discover, "out west," 40 years ago, hiz property was a wife, with the
+side ake, 2 galls, just busting thru their clothes into womanhood,
+2 boys, who kould kill a skunk at 3 paces, and dodge the smell, a
+one-hoss wagging, a rifle, and a brass-kittle, he squat at Rock River,
+in the Illinoise, for 6 months, and then moved on more westly, the
+last that ware seen ov him, was the hind-board ov hiz wagging, just
+doubling the top ov the rocky mountains.... And thare waz Beltrigging,
+who fust diskovered the tempranse question, he had bin a suckcessful
+rumdrinker, and seller for 36 years, and had retired with a pile, he
+diskovered kold water one day, on the back side ov hiz farm, digging
+out foxes; he lektured nex day, in a 7-day babtiss church, and told
+his xperiense; he made 13 hundred dollars lekturing, and died 9 years
+afterwards, in grate agony, having drank 4 drops ov french brandee, on
+a lump ov brown sugar bi mistake. He begot Springwater, and Springwater
+begot Rainwater, and Rainwater begot Dewdrop, and Dewdrop begot
+Morning-Mist, awl ov them selebrated tempranse lekturers.... And there
+waz Solomon Saw-dust, the author ov bran-bred, and nailrod-soup; he waz
+a champion ov lite weights; he fit the dispepshee in aul its forms; he
+lived for 18 months, at one heat, on the smell ov a red herring, and
+gained 9 pounds in wind. He had menny admirers and immitaturs the moste
+grate ov which was Wet Pack and Water Kure.... And there waz Mehitable
+Saffron, the virgin-hero ov wimmins' rights; i herd her fust orashun,
+in the town hall; she spoke without notes, at arms' length. She ced,
+"woman had a destiny that man kouldn't fill for her, and az for her,
+she could go it alone, she didn't want no he-creeter around her, she
+had on a pair of kowhide pegged boots, and closed up bi holding hi in
+the air, a pair ov corduroy breeches, which she swore bi the good olde
+Mozes, waz awl enny man had to brag ov".... She waz the first pironeer
+in the corduroy britches business, she died celibate, and haz had menny
+followers amung her sexes, but none that had the jism she had.... And
+then thare waz Old Perpetual; he got crazee at last, but not till he
+had invented a pitch-pine dog, with a bass-wood tail, that would bark
+and chase every wagging that cum along, clean down to the bridge over
+bean kreek. He got out a patent for a sorrel horse, and a nu milch cow,
+and lived till he was 90 years olde, and then died from a kold he had
+caught, down seller, trieing tew make soft sope, out ov bull's liver.
+On hiz grave stun waz these affekting paragraph: "State, and county
+rights for sale, enquire ov ---- the widder."
+
+
+
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diff --git a/45365/45365-8.zip b/45365/45365-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..44dc603 --- /dev/null +++ b/45365/45365-8.zip diff --git a/45365/45365-h.zip b/45365/45365-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..59a70ea --- /dev/null +++ b/45365/45365-h.zip diff --git a/45365/45365-h/45365-h.htm b/45365/45365-h/45365-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8edc690 --- /dev/null +++ b/45365/45365-h/45365-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,7376 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN"
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+<pre>
+
+Project Gutenberg's Josh Billings, Hiz Sayings, by Henry Wheeler Shaw
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Josh Billings, Hiz Sayings
+
+Author: Henry Wheeler Shaw
+
+Release Date: April 12, 2014 [EBook #45365]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOSH BILLINGS, HIZ SAYINGS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was
+produced from images generously made available by The
+Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 382px;">
+<img src="images/end.jpg" width="382" height="600" alt="book end" />
+</div>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_i" id="Page_i">[Pg i]</a><br /><a name="Page_ii" id="Page_ii">[Pg ii]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 354px;">
+<img src="images/i_002.jpg" width="354" height="500" alt="Josh Billings at home.—Preparing his new Lecture." />
+<div class="caption">Josh Billings at home.—Preparing his new Lecture.</div>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_iii" id="Page_iii">[Pg iii]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+
+ <h1>JOSH BILLINGS,<br /><br />
+
+ Hiz Sayings.</h1>
+
+ <p class="ph3">WITH COMIC ILLUSTRATIONS.</p>
+
+ <div class="figcenter" style="width: 100px;">
+<img src="images/i_253.jpg" width="100" height="56" alt="logo" />
+</div>
+
+ <p class="center">NEW YORK:<br />
+ <i>Carleton, Publisher, Madison Square.</i><br /><br />
+
+ LONDON: S. LOW, SON & CO.<br />
+ M DCCC LXX.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_iv" id="Page_iv">[Pg iv]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+
+ <p class="center">Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1865, by<br />
+ G. W. CARLETON,<br /><br />
+
+ In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the Southern District of<br />
+ New York</p>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_v" id="Page_v">[Pg v]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+
+ <p class="center">TO<br /><br />
+ DEAKON URIAH BILLINGS,</p>
+
+ <p class="center">(A man ov menny virtues, and sum vices) this book<br />
+ iz completely dedikated—and may he hav<br />
+ the strength tew stand it.</p>
+
+ <p class="center">Hiz own nephew,</p>
+ <p class="center"><span class="inset">JOSHUA BILLINGS</span></p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_vi" id="Page_vi">[Pg vi]</a><br /><a name="Page_vii" id="Page_vii">[Pg vii]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="center">Tred litely, dear reader, for the <sup>way</sup> iz ruff. This book waz got up
+tew sell, but if it don't prove tew be a sell, I shan't worry about it.</p>
+
+
+ <p class="ph4">J. BILLINGS.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_viii" id="Page_viii">[Pg viii]</a><br /><a name="Page_ix" id="Page_ix">[Pg ix]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><a name="CONTENTS" id="CONTENTS">CONTENTS.</a></h2>
+
+
+<table class="centered" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="Contents">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="75%" />
+ <col width="10%" />
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td class="right"> </td>
+<td class="left"> </td>
+<td class="right">Page.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">I.</td>
+<td class="left">JOSH BILLINGS ON THE MULE.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_13">13</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">II.</td>
+<td class="left">JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_15">15</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">III.</td>
+<td class="left">REMARKS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_17">17</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">IV.</td>
+<td class="left">ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_19">19</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">V.</td>
+<td class="left">A TABLOWS IN 4 ACKS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_22">22</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">VI.</td>
+<td class="left">FEMALE EDDIKASHUN.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_25">25</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">VII.</td>
+<td class="left">DEPOZETIONS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_28">28</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">VIII.</td>
+<td class="left">WAR AND ARMY PHRAZES.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_31">31</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">IX.</td>
+<td class="left">PASHUNCE OV JOB.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_34">34</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">X.</td>
+<td class="left">FRIENDLY LETTER.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_35">35</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XI.</td>
+<td class="left">AFFURISIMS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_37">37</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XII.</td>
+<td class="left">JOSH BILLINGS ON CATS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_40">40</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XIII.</td>
+<td class="left">REMARKS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_43">43</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XIV.</td>
+<td class="left">JOSH BILLINGS ADDRESSES THE BILLINGSVILLE SOWING SOSIETY.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_45">45</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XV.</td>
+<td class="left">NOSHUNS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_47">47</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XVI.</td>
+<td class="left">SAYINS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_51">51</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XVII.</td>
+<td class="left">REMARKS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_53">53</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XVIII.</td>
+<td class="left">THE DEVIL'S PUTTY AND VARNISH.
+
+</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_56">56</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XIX.</td>
+<td class="left">MANIFEST DESTINY.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_59">59</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XX.</td>
+<td class="left">ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_62">62</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XXI.</td>
+<td class="left">ON DOGS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_64">64</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XXII.</td>
+<td class="left">SAYINGS OF JOSH BILLINGS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_67">67</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XXIII.</td>
+<td class="left">FASHION.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_70">70</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XXIV.</td>
+<td class="left">REMARKS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_73">73</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XXV.</td>
+<td class="left">PROVERBIAL PIG.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_75">75</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XXVI.</td>
+<td class="left">PROVERBS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_77">77</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XXVII.</td>
+<td class="left">ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_79">79</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XXVIII.</td>
+<td class="left">PROVERBS OF THE BILLINGS FAMILY.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_82">82</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XXIX.</td>
+<td class="left">A FU REMARKS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_85">85</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XXX.</td>
+<td class="left">A LEKTURE TEW MALE YUNG MEN ONLY.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_87">87</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XXXI.</td>
+<td class="left">CLEVER FELLOWS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_90">90</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XXXII.</td>
+<td class="left">AFFERISIMS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_92">92</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XXXIV.</td>
+<td class="left">A SHORT AND VERY AFFEKTING ESSA ON MAN.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_97">97</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XXXV.</td>
+<td class="left">THE RASE KOARSE.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_100">100</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XXXVI.</td>
+<td class="left">"GIV THE DEVIL HIZ DUE."</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_106">106</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XXXVII.</td>
+<td class="left">WATCH DOGS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_108">108</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XXXVIII.</td>
+<td class="left">ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_110">110</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XXXVIX.</td>
+<td class="left">REMARKS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_113">113</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XL.</td>
+<td class="left">AN ESSA ONTO MUSIK.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_117">117</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XLI.</td>
+<td class="left">"MAN WAZ MADE TEW MOURN."</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_120">120</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XLII.</td>
+<td class="left">PROVERBS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_122">122</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XLIII.</td>
+<td class="left">KISSING CONSIDERED.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_124">124</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XLIV.</td>
+<td class="left">FOR A FU MINNITS AMONG THE SPEERITS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_128">128</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XLV.</td>
+<td class="left">SAYINGS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_131">131</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XLVI.</td>
+<td class="left">JOSH GOES TO LONG BRANCH.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_133">133</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XLVII.</td>
+<td class="left">TO MY LADY CORRESPONDENTS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_137">137</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XLVIII.</td>
+<td class="left">ON WIDDERS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_140">140</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">XLIX.</td>
+<td class="left">THINGS THAT I DON'T HANKER AFTER TO SEE.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_143">143</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">L.</td>
+<td class="left">ON COURTING.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_145">145</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LI.</td>
+<td class="left">REMARKS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_149">149</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LII.</td>
+<td class="left">THE FAULT FINDER.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_152">152</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LIII.</td>
+<td class="left">PROVERBS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_154">154</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LIV.</td>
+<td class="left">KOLIDING.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_156">156</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LV.</td>
+<td class="left">ON SNAIKS AND MUDTURKLES.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_157">157</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LVI.</td>
+<td class="left">TRUE BILLS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_161">161</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LVII.</td>
+<td class="left">NARRATIF.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_163">163</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LVIII.</td>
+<td class="left">PHOTOGRAPHS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_167">167</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LVIX.</td>
+<td class="left">AFFERISIMS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_169">169</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LX.</td>
+<td class="left">JOSH GITS ORFULLY BIT.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_172">172</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXI.</td>
+<td class="left">THINGS THAT SUIT ME.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_174">174</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXII.</td>
+<td class="left">MY FIRST GONG.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_176">176</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXIII.</td>
+<td class="left">PROVERBS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_178">178</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXIV.</td>
+<td class="left">DISIPLIN IZ EVRATHING—IN 2 PARTS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_181">181</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXV.</td>
+<td class="left">CORRESPONDENTS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_183">183</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXVI.</td>
+<td class="left">JOSH BILLINGS AT SARATOGA SPRINGS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_186">186</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXVII.</td>
+<td class="left">NOT ENNY SHANGHI FOR ME.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_189">189</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXVIII.</td>
+<td class="left">IS DISPOSING OF THINGS FOR CHARITABLE PURPOSES BI "LOT" A SIN.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_191">191</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXIX.</td>
+<td class="left">ADVERTIZEMENT.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_193">193</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXX.</td>
+<td class="left">OUT WEST.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_196">196</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXXI.</td>
+<td class="left">SAYINS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_198">198</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXXII.</td>
+<td class="left">A WIMMIN'S LEAGUE MEETIN.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_200">200</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXXIII.</td>
+<td class="left">A TRUE FISH STORY FOUNDED ON FAK.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_203">203</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXXIV.</td>
+<td class="left">AT SARATOGA SPRINGS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_205">205</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXXV.</td>
+<td class="left">SPIRITUAL BELIEF OV THE BILLINGSES.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_208">208</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXXVI.</td>
+<td class="left">JOSH BILLINGS CORRESPONDS WITH A "HAIR OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN."</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_209">209</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXXVII.</td>
+<td class="left">PROVERBS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_213">213</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXXVIII.</td>
+<td class="left">DOMESTIK RECEIPTS IN FULL.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_216">216</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXXIX.</td>
+<td class="left">FAKS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_218">218</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXXX.</td>
+<td class="left">ON LECTURES.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_219">219</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXXXI.</td>
+<td class="left">YANKEE NOSHUNS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_222">222</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXXXII.</td>
+<td class="left">ATTENTION! SQUAD!</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_224">224</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXXXIII.</td>
+<td class="left">THE FUST BABY.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_226">226</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXXXIV.</td>
+<td class="left">LAUGHING.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_228">228</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="right">LXXXV.</td>
+<td class="left">PIONEERS.</td>
+<td class="right"><a href="#Page_229">229</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+
+</table>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><br /><br /><a name="JOSH_BILLINGS" id="JOSH_BILLINGS">JOSH BILLINGS.</a><br /><br /></h2>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+<p class="ph3"><a name="I" id="I">I.</a></p>
+
+<p class="ph4">JOSH BILLINGS ON THE MULE.</p>
+
+
+<p>The mule is haf hoss, and haf Jackass, and then kums tu a full stop,
+natur diskovering her mistake. Tha weigh more, akordin tu their heft,
+than enny other kreetur, except a crowbar. Tha kant hear enny quicker,
+nor further than the hoss, yet their ears are big enuff for snow shoes.
+You kan trust them with enny one whose life aint worth enny more than
+the mules. The only wa tu keep them into a paster, is tu turn them
+into a medder jineing, and let them jump out. Tha are reddy for use,
+just as soon as they will du tu abuse. Tha haint got enny friends, and
+will live on huckel berry brush, with an ockasional chanse at Kanada
+thissels. Tha are a modern invenshun, i dont think the Bible deludes tu
+them at tall. Tha sel for more money than enny other domestik animile.
+Yu kant tell their age by looking into their mouth, enny more than you
+kould a Mexican cannons.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> Tha never hav no dissease that a good club
+wont heal. If tha ever die tha must kum rite tu life agin, for i never
+herd nobody sa "ded mule." Tha are like sum men, very korrupt at harte;
+ive known them tu be good mules for 6 months, just tu git a good chanse
+to kick sumbody. I never owned one, nor never mean to, unless there is
+a United Staits law passed, requiring it. The only reason why tha are
+pashunt, is bekause tha are ashamed ov themselfs. I have seen eddikated
+mules in a sirkus. Tha kould kick, and bite, tremenjis. I would not sa
+what I am forced tu sa again the mule, if his birth want an outrage,
+and man want tu blame for it. Enny man who is willing tu drive a mule,
+ought to be exempt by law from running for the legislatur. Tha are the
+strongest creeturs on earth, and heaviest, ackording tu their sise; I
+herd tell ov one who fell oph from the tow path, on the Eri kanawl, and
+sunk as soon as he touched bottom, but he kept rite on towing the boat
+tu the nex stashun, breathing thru his ears, which stuck out ov the
+water about 2 feet 6 inches; i did'nt see this did, but an auctioneer
+told me ov it, and i never knew an auctioneer tu lie unless it was
+absolutely convenient.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="II" id="II">II.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE.</p>
+
+
+<p>I kum to the conclusion, lately, that life waz so onsartin, that the
+only wa for me tu stand a fair chance with other folks, was to git my
+life insured, and so i kalled on the Agent of the "Garden Angel life
+insurance Co.," and answered the following questions, which waz put tu
+me over the top ov a pair of goold specks, by a slik little fat old
+feller, with a little round gray head, and az pretty a little belly on
+him az enny man ever owned:—</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">QUESTIONS.</p>
+
+<p>1st—Are yu mail or femail? if so, Pleze state how long you have been
+so.</p>
+
+<p>2d—Are yu subjec tu fits, and if so, do yu hav more than one at a time?</p>
+
+<p>3d—What is yure precise fiteing weight?</p>
+
+<p>4th—Did yu ever have enny ancestors, and if so, how much?</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>5th—What iz yure legal opinion ov the constitutionality ov the 10
+commandments!</p>
+
+<p>6th—Du yu ever hav enny nite mares?</p>
+
+<p>7th—Are you married and single, or are yu a Bachelor?</p>
+
+<p>8th—Do yu beleave in a futer state? if yu du, state it.</p>
+
+<p>9th—What are yure private sentiments about a rush ov rats tu the head;
+can it be did successfully?</p>
+
+<p>10th—Hav yu ever committed suiside, and if so, how did it seem to
+affect yu?</p>
+
+<p>After answering the above questions, like a man in the confirmatif, the
+slik little fat old fellow with goold specks on, ced I was insured for
+life, and proberly would remain so for a term ov years. I thanked him,
+and smiled one ov my moste pensive smiles.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="III" id="III">III.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">REMARKS.</p>
+
+
+<p>Tha tell me that them who hav the <i>harte diseaze</i> are liable tu di at
+enny time, but i hav known thousands tew reach a mean old age with it.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Fust appearances are ced tu be everything. I dont put all mi fathe into
+this saying; i think oysters and klams, for instanze, will bear looking
+into.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>It strains a man's philosophee the wust kind tew laff when he gits beat.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Love aint one ov the vartues, bekauze it kant be controlled.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Wimmin are like flowers, a little dust ov squeezing makes them the more
+fragrant.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Charitee kant alwus be administered delikately. If you want to
+extrikate a crab from a dilemmer, yu hav got to take holt ov him just
+rite.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Men liv tu a <i>ripe</i> old age bi keeping <i>green</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Dont hav enny more sekrets than yu kan keep yureself.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>"Truth is mitey and will prevail;" so iz cider mitey, but yu hav got
+tew tap the barrell before it will prevale.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="IV" id="IV">IV.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</p>
+
+
+<p>"<i>Amelia.</i>"—Yure inquiry, about the moste best time tu marry, dus yu
+grate credit, it iz a subject which i hav swet over a good deal, and i
+am real glad you spoke about it, mi spase wont allow me tu go into the
+thing, clean up to the hub, az i wud like tu, but in a few wurds, i
+will sa, i hav alwus considered cool weather, the moste best time.</p>
+
+
+
+<p><i>"Fred."</i>—Yu aint obliged tu ask a gals mother, if yu ma go home
+with her from a partee, git the gals endorsement, and sale in; it iz
+proper enuff tu ask her tu take yure arm, but you haint got no rite tu
+put yure arm around her waste, unless yu meet a Bear on the rode, and
+then yu are bound tu take yure arm away, just az soon az the Bear gits
+safely by.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<p>"<i>Whip.</i>"—Yu are rite. Mules live tu a long age, iv'e known them
+miself, tu live 100 years, and not half tri. Yu are rite also, about
+their being sure footed, iv'e known them tu kick a man, twise in a
+sekund, 10 feet oph.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>"<i>Gertrude.</i>"—Yure inquiry stumps me, the darndest. The more i think
+on it, the more i kant tell. Az near az i kan rekolek now, i think i
+dont kno. Much mite be ced both ways, and neether wa be rite. Upon the
+whole i rather reckon i wud, or i wuddent, jist az i thought best, or
+otherwise.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>"<i>Plutark.</i>"—Yu'are mistaken, the Shakers dont marry. If young
+Shakers fall in luv tha are sot tu weeding onions, and that kures them
+forthwithly. I kant tell yu now, how much it dus kost tu jine the
+Shakers but i beleave the expenze used tu be, inkluding having yure
+hair cut and larning how tu danse, about $65,00. I disreckoleckt what
+their religun iz, but if mi memry sarves me rite, it iz making almitey
+good brooms, and sellin devilish poor grape cuttings, for 75 cents a
+foot.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>"<i>Sportsman.</i>"—Yure inquiry iz not edzackly in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> mi line, but i haste
+tu repli, as follers, to wit: The rite length tu cut oph a dog's tale
+haz never yet bin fully diskovered, but iz undoubtedly somewhare bak ov
+hiz ears, provided yu git the dog's consent. N. B.—It aint absolutely
+necessara the dog's consent should be in riteing.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>"<i>Kate.</i>"—I think Lord Biron waz the author ov the lines yu speke ov;
+'twas either him or 'twas Captain Kid, one or tother. Biron waz dredful
+limber at riteing potri, so waz Kidd, but Biron waz the limberest.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="V" id="V">V.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">A TABLOWS IN 4 ACKS</p>
+
+
+<p><i>Ack Fust.</i>—Enter a lap dorg, carrying a boarding skool miss in his
+arms, about 16 hands high—it makes the dorg puff—the dorg lays down
+the boarding skool miss, and orders mint juleks for 2, with the usual
+suckshun. The dorg begins tew loll, the boarding skool miss tells
+him "tew dri up," (in French,) and the dorg sez "he be darned if he
+will," (in Dorg.) [Grate sensashun among the awjence, with cries, "put
+him out!"] Finally a compromize iz affected, the boarding skool miss
+kisses the dorg, with tears in his eyes. Konlusion—Lap dorg diskovers
+a wicked flee at work on his tale—pursues him—round and round tha
+go—dorg a leettle ahead—sumbody hollers out, "mad dorg!"—boarding
+skool girl faints standing—the curtin drops.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ack number 2.</i>—Curtin highsts—sevral blind men in the distanse,
+looking thru a key whole—one<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> ov them sez, "he don't see it!"
+A shanghi ruseter cums out, with epaulets on, and crows Yankee
+Doodle—musik bi the band. The shanghi lays an egg on the stage, about
+the size ov a wasps nest, and then limps oph, very much tired and
+redused. Curtin falls agin.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ack number 3.</i>—Curtin rizes sloly—big bolona sarsage on a
+tabel—bolona sarsage lifts up her hed, and begins tew bark—band plays
+"Old Dorg Tray." Cat cums in—cat's tail begins tew swell bad—bolona
+sarsage and cat haz a fite—tha fite 14 rounds—the stage iz covered
+with cats and dorgs. Konlusion—tha awl jine hands, and walk tew the
+foot lights—an old Bull Tarrier reads the President's call for "300,
+000 more"—band plays "Go in Lemons!"—a bell rings, and the curtin
+drops.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ack number 4.</i>—A scene on the Eri kanall—a terribel storm rages—the
+kanall acks bad—sevral line botes go down hed fust, with awl their
+boarders on board—kant make a lee shore—tha drag their ankers—sum
+ov the kaptins tri tew pra, but moste ov them hav the best luck at
+swareing—the water iz strewd with pots and kittles—sevral ov the cook
+maids swim ashore, with their cook stoves in their teeth—tha hav tew
+draw oph the kanal tew stop<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> the storm. Konlusion—men are seen along
+on the banks ov the kanall spearing ded hosses and eels—band plays "a
+life on the oshun wave." Amid tremduous applauze the curtin falls, and
+the awjence disperce, single file.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 750px;">
+<img src="images/i_026.jpg" width="750" height="390" alt="Josh Billings' advice" />
+<div class="caption"><p><span class="inset">Josh Billings' advice.</span> <span class="inset">and</span> <span class="inset">Answers to Correspondents.—<i>See pages</i> <a href="#Page_19">19</a>,</span> 20.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="VI" id="VI">VI.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">FEMALE EDDIKASHUN.</p>
+
+
+<p>Thare iz so mutch ced about the importanze ov female eddikashun, now a
+daze, that a near-sighted person wud suppoze that wimmin was running
+tu waist. The more that wimmin ar elevated, the more men ar histed
+up too, so tha sa, and them who maik this statement, ain't fur from
+out ov the wa fur men hav bin clus after the wimmin, ever sinse humin
+beins waz perpetrated. Dear reader, dear, don't be maid a fool uv, by
+beleaving for the space ov a half-grown seckond, that Josh Billings,
+(more properly Joshua Billings, Esq.,) don't love, respeck, adore, and
+worship the sex, and ain't willing tu fite, even with the belly-ake
+onto him, two hundred pounds ov any kind ov man, in behalf ov enny
+vartuous, and worthy, or even good-looking woman.</p>
+
+<p>I beleave in femail eddikashun, clear up tu the handle, provided
+the woman hankers for it, but if<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> she don't hanker for it, i kant
+see why she shud be histed up into a posishun, where men has got to
+cease luving her, just in proposhun az tha are asked to wonder at
+her. Tha tell us that thare aint enny posishun that man kan fill, but
+what wimmin kan fill it tu; but iz that enny reson why it iz best to
+prove it. I haven't enny doubt, that you could eddicate wimmin so
+muchly, that tha wouldn't kno enny more about getting dinner, than
+sum ministers ov the gospil kno about preaching, and while tha mite
+translate one ov Virgils ecklogs tu a spot, tha couldn't translate a
+baby out ov a kradle, without letting it cum apart.</p>
+
+<p>I hold that natur haz its laws and programmy, all the wa down, from
+the biling over ov a volkano tu the wiggle ov a lam's tale.—Suppose
+you shud take 100 yung injuns and eddikate them tu the highest
+pint, and then turn them luce! 95 ov them wud throw a blanket ontu
+their shoulders, bid fair-well tu civilizashun, and dive intu the
+wildnerness; the uther 5 wud wander about among the pail faces, az far
+from hum az a Bufferlo wud be among a herd ov short tailed durhams.
+I believe in femail eddikashun, but i had ruther a woman cud beet me
+nussing a baby than tu feel that she cud beet me or<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> enny other man in
+a stump speech or a lektur on veteranara praktiss.</p>
+
+<p>If Billings understands human natur, and he thinks he duz, thare aint
+nothing that a true woman luvs more than the hole ov a man's harte;
+and, in order tu git this, she haz got tu kno less than he duz, or maik
+him think so. I thank the lord that thare aint menny wimmin in the
+wurld who want tu know evry thing. I kalkerlate that 9 out ov evry 10
+ov the wimmin who luv their huzbands and glory in their children, will
+sa that tha had ruther be looked down upon in luving tenderniss than tu
+be looked up tu in silent aw.</p>
+
+<p>If Josh Billings haz ced a wurd, in what he haz now rit, wich iz
+kalkulated tu damp the arder ov one single aspirin' woman, he iz reddy
+tu shed tears, but i hav alwus thort that the very highly eddikated
+wimmin work best in single harniss. In konklusion, i sa, elevate the
+wimmin, but if their heds and their hartes bekum antagonicks in the
+operashun, i shall continner tu think that luv, swapped for wizdom, iz
+a doutful gain to the wimmin and a pozatif loss to us poor mail-claid
+devils. Mi christian friends, ajew!</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="VII" id="VII">VII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">DEPOZETIONS.</p>
+
+
+<p>Josh Billings being duly sworn deposes as follows.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>That, John Brown haz halted a fu days for refreshment.</p>
+
+<p>That, moste men had ruther sa a smart thing than tew dew a good one.</p>
+
+<p>That, baksliding iz a big thing, espeshila on ice.</p>
+
+<p>That, a live traitor smells wuss than a ded one.</p>
+
+<p>That, there iz 2 things in this life for which we are never fully
+prepared, and that iz twins.</p>
+
+<p>That, yu kant judge a man bi hiz religgun<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> eny more than yu kan judge
+hiz shurt bi the size ov the collar and ristbands.</p>
+
+<p>That, the devil iz alwus prepared tew see kompany.</p>
+
+<p>That, it iz treating a man like a dog tew cut him oph short in hiz
+narrative.</p>
+
+<p>That, "ignoranse iz bliss," ignoranse of sawing wood, for instanse.</p>
+
+<p>That, menny will fale tew be saved simpla bekause tha haint got
+ennything tew saive.</p>
+
+<p>That, the vartues ov woman are awl her own, but her frailities hav bin
+taught her.</p>
+
+<p>That, dry <i>pastors</i> are the best for flocks; flocks ov sheep i mean.</p>
+
+<p>That, men ov genius are like eagles, tha live on what tha kill, while
+men ov talents are like crows, tha live on what haz bin killed for
+them.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>That, some peoples are fond ov bragging about their ansesstors, and
+their grate descent, when in fack, their <i>grate descent</i> iz jist
+what's the matter ov them.</p>
+
+<p>That, a woman kant keep a sekret nor let ennybody else keep one.</p>
+
+<p>That, "a little larning iz a dangerous thing"; this iz az tru az it iz
+common.</p>
+
+<p>That, sider brandee taken inwardly in large quantitys iz good—for a
+rat hole.</p>
+
+<p>That, a grate menny folks have bin eddikated oph from their feet.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="VIII" id="VIII">VIII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">WAR AND ARMY PHRAZES.</p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>"A suckcessful Rade,"—cutting oph a turnpike within the enama's
+lines, and bringing in a blind mule, and 2 niggers tu board.</p>
+
+<p>"Reserv'd Korps,"—this i take it means our ophisers; who die at the
+tavern stands, and are stuffed, and cent home tu berry.</p>
+
+<p>"Bace of supplize,"—Unkle Samuel's pocket-Book.</p>
+
+<p>"Pickitts,"—these are surplus chaps, who ar cent out tu borry
+turbacker, and to see if the kussed rebels hav got enny pass.</p>
+
+<p>"An Armstise,"—giving the enema tu chances tu git licked instead ov
+one.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Militara Stratergee,"—trying to reduse a swamp by ketching the
+bilyus fever out ov it.</p>
+
+<p>"Lite Hoss Calvary,"—picked men who ride the hosses tu drink, when
+tha git thin.</p>
+
+<p>"Rekrutin Ophisers,"—individuals who are cent into the rural
+destriks, on a furlong, to rekrute—themselfs.</p>
+
+<p>"Armee Rashuns,"—back pay, and preserved beef!</p>
+
+<p>"Quartring on the enemee,"—this phraze is defunkted, bekaze its
+contraree tu Hoyle.</p>
+
+<p>"War Hoops,"—jist the things fur a hot da, the injuns used tu hav
+them.</p>
+
+<p>"Corte Marshall,"—where tha tri the misdemeners out ov an ophiser, so
+that he'll du to promoat.</p>
+
+<p>"Forage Partee,"—Them who goes out to kech a hastack, and gits lost
+in a forage ov treeze and haint been herd from sinse.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"On tu Richmond,"—that's tu sa if the kussed rebels will allow it.</p>
+
+<p>"Parralel lines,"—are them kind of lines that never cum together.</p>
+
+<p>"Militara necessita,"—ten ophisers and a gallon ov whiski to every
+three privates.</p>
+
+<p>"Onluce the dogs ov war;"—but muzzle the darn kritters; if you don't,
+somebody will get hurt.</p>
+
+<p>"War of Exterminashun,"—this fraze belongs holey tu the Kommissara
+Department.</p>
+
+<p>"Advance Gard,"—this is a gard tha hav tu hav in our army tu keep our
+fellers from pichin in tu the enema frontwards.</p>
+
+<p>"Rere Gard,"—this is a gard that hav tu keep our fellers, when tha
+are surrounded from pitching intu the enema backwards.</p>
+
+<p>"Awl quiet on the Potermuck,"—this shows what perfect subjekshun our
+fellers are under.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="IX" id="IX">IX</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">PASHUNCE OV JOB.</p>
+
+
+<p>Evryboddy iz in the habit ov bragging on Job, and Job did hav
+konsiderable bile pashunce, that's a fac, but did he ever keep a
+distrik skule for 8 dollars a month, and borde 'round? Did he ever reap
+lodged oats down hill in a hot da, and hav all hiz gallus buttons bust
+oph at once? Did he ever hav the jumpin teethake, and be made tu tend
+baby while hiz wife was over tu Perkinses tu a teasquall? Did he ever
+git up in the morning awful dri and turf it 3 miles befoar brekfast tu
+git a drink, and find that the man kep a tempranse hous? Did he ever
+undertaik tu milk a kicking hefer with a bushy tail, in fli time, out
+in the lot? Did he ever sot down onto a litter ov kittens in the old
+rockin cheer, with hiz summer pantyloons on without saing "damnashun!"
+If he cud du all theze things, and praze the Lord at the same time, all
+i hav got tu sa, iz, <i>Bully for Job</i>!</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="X" id="X">X.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">FRIENDLY LETTER.</p>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Friend Elias</span>:—You ask me menny questions about the draft that
+bothers me. It iz curis how it duz act, but it waz jist so in scripter
+times, "2 wimmin waz at a mill a grinding (corn i reckon), one waz
+took, and t'other want took." There aint enny dout but the draft iz
+for 3 years, or thereabouts, but i think a person would hav a rite to
+sell out hiz chanse at enny time during the 3 years, or thereabouts,
+for a premium, provided he could show tu the government that he waz
+conscientzly oppozed tu hard tak and bilyus fever.</p>
+
+<p>Again: Aleyens aint liable for the draft, espeshila if tha cum from the
+city ov Ireland, and hav bin in the habit, for the laste 5 years, ov
+voting the democratic ticket.</p>
+
+<p>Againly: Widder-wimmin, and their only son iz exempt, provided the
+widder's husband haz alreddy<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> sarved 2 years in the war, and iz willing
+tu go agin, i beleave the supreme corte haz desided this thing forever.</p>
+
+<p>Onse more: If a drafted man shud run awa with hiz draft, he proberly
+wouldn't ever be allowed to stand a draft agin, this looks severe at
+fust site, but the more yu look at it, the more yu can see the wisdom
+into it.</p>
+
+<p>Onse morely: Xempts are thoze who hav bin drafted into the stait
+prizzen, for triing tu git an honest living bi supporting 2 wives at
+onst; also, all them people who are crazee, and unsound on the goose;
+also, all nusepaper korrespondents and fools in general.</p>
+
+<p>Onse morely again: No substidude will be acksepted, who iz less than
+3, or more than 10 feet high, he must know how to chaw terbacker and
+drink whiskee, and must'nt be afeered ov the itch nor the rebels. Moral
+Karakter aint required, the government furnishes that, and rashuns.</p>
+
+<p>Conclusively: No person kan be drafted but twice in 2 different plases
+without hiz consent, but awl men haz a rite tu be drafted at least
+onst; i don't think even a rit ov habus corpus could deprive a man ov
+this laste, blessed privlege.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XI" id="XI">XI.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">AFFURISMS.</p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>Truth iz the onla thing I kno ov that kant be improved upon.</p>
+
+<p>If yu want tew git a sure krop, and a big yield for the seed, sow
+wilde oats.</p>
+
+<p>An insult tew one man iz an insult tew aul men.</p>
+
+<p>Cunning is curiosity satisfied, and curiosity satisfied iz wisdom.</p>
+
+<p>Wize men don't expeck tu do away with the visisitudes ov life, they
+onla expeck tew blunt the edge ov them.</p>
+
+<p>Yu kan gorge avaris, but ambishun knows no gorge but the grave.</p>
+
+<p>A sarkastic wit iz a kind ov human pole-cat.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>If thare is enny thing on this arth that angels kant imitate 'tis a
+vartuous yung man trampling temtashun under hiz feet.</p>
+
+<p>I had rather be a reseiver ov stolen goods than the keeper ov men's
+sekrets.</p>
+
+<p>Fame iz jist about az mutch use tew a ded man as 5.20's wud be,
+interest payable in goold.</p>
+
+<p>Sum people hav the power ov saing a good deal in a fu words, while
+others hav the power ov saing a little in a good menny wurds.</p>
+
+<p>Slander iz played on a tin horn, while truth steals forth like the
+dieing song ov a lute.</p>
+
+<p>Yu kan judge ov sum men's karakters onla bi what they eat and drink.</p>
+
+<p>"Truth iz stranger than ficshun"—that iz tew sum folks.</p>
+
+<p>I hav found a grate menny things in this wurld that waz <i>free</i>—free
+az a well tew git into, but like a rat trap, not edzackly free tu git
+out ov.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Meet me bi moonlite alone," iz awl well enuff under sum
+circumstances; but moonlite me for meat alone, iz not so well ennuff,
+under enny circumstances.</p>
+
+<p>I don't kno ov but one thing on arth that kan improve a good wife, and
+that iz buty.</p>
+
+<p>After you hav made up yure mind jist what you are going to du, then iz
+a good time tew dew it.</p>
+
+<p>We often hear ov men, who hav cum within an inch ov dieing, and i
+haint enny dout thare iz sum, that evry boddy wuld lik tew hear had
+cum within an inch ov bein born.</p>
+
+<p>"The lapse ov ages," iz a pleasant thing tew dwell upon, but after
+awl, verry mutch depends upon the ages ov the laps.</p>
+
+<p>It iz not differkult tew find augers that wont bore, but yu seldom cum
+across a bore that wont auger.</p>
+
+<p>"Faith that iz founded on an arnest and truthful convickshun, iz
+butiful tu behold; but faith that iz founded simpla on courage, aint
+enny thing more than good grit."</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 485px;">
+<img src="images/i_043.jpg" width="485" height="600" alt="Josh Billings on Cats" />
+<div class="caption">Josh Billings on Cats.—<i>See page</i> <a href="#Page_40">40</a>.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XII" id="XII">XII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">JOSH BILLINGS ON CATS.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<p>I hav studdyed cats clussly for years, and hav found them adikted tew a
+wild state. Tha haint got affekshun, nor vartues ov enny kind, tha will
+skratch their best friends, and wont ketch mice unless tha are hungry.
+It haz bin sed that tha are good tu make up into sassages; but this
+iz a grate mistake, i hav bin told bi a sassage maker that tha dont
+kompare with dogs. Thare is one thing sartin, tha are verry anxious
+tew liv, yu ma turn one inside out, and hang him up bi the tale, and
+az soon az yu are out ov sight, he will manage tew turn back summerset
+and cum around awl rite in a fu days. It iz verry hard wurk tew looze
+a cat. If one gits carried oph in a bag bi mistake a grate ways into
+the kuntry, tha wont sta lost onla a short time, but soon appear tew
+make the family happy with their presence. Old maids are very<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> fond
+ov cats, for the reason i suppose that cats never marry if tha hav
+ever so good a chanse. Thare iz one thing about cats i dont like, if
+yu step on their tales by acksident tha git mad rite oph, and make a
+grate fuss about it. Thare iz anuther thing about them which makes them
+a good investment for poor folks. A pair ov cats will yield each year,
+without any outlay, something like eight hundred per cat. It iz a verry
+singular fack that cats dont like a mill-pond, i never knu one tew git
+drowned bi acksident. Tha luv cream, but it seems tew be agin their
+religgun tew tutch soap. Cats and dogs have never bin able tew agree
+on the main question, tha both seem tew want the affirmatiff side to
+onst. I think if i could hav mi way thare wouldn't be enny more cats
+born unless tha could sho a certifikate ov good moral karakter. Thare
+is one more thing about cats which seems tew me tew be awl affektashun,
+and that iz making sich a devlish noise under a fellers window nights,
+and then kall it musik. If i waz tew hav mi choise between a cat and a
+striped snake, i would take the snake bekause I could git rid ov the
+snake bi letting him go. Thare aint no sartin wa tew kill a cat, if yu
+git one wurked up into sassage, and yu think yu are awl right, jist
+az likely az not tha will<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span> cum to and take off a whole lot of good
+sassage with them.—Theze are mi views about cats, rather hastily hove
+together, and if i haint said enuff agin them it iz onla bekause i lack
+the informashun.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XIII" id="XIII">XIII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">REMARKS.</p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>Impudense iz the affek ov tew <i>little</i> knollege, and modesta, iz az
+often the affek ov tew <i>mutch</i>.</p>
+
+<p>We dont question a persons rite tew be a fule, but if he klaims
+wisdom, we kompare it with our own.</p>
+
+<p>Not one man in a thousand iz known while living, yet awl expeck tew be
+well remembered, when tha are ded.</p>
+
+<p>Men are very often ashamed tu tell the truth, bekause tha dont kno how.</p>
+
+<p>Moste ov the advise we reseave from others, iz not so mutch an
+evidense ov their affeckshun for us, az it iz an evidense ov their
+affeckshun for themselves.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Aul ov us komplain ov the shortness ov life, yet we all waste more
+time than we uze.</p>
+
+<p>Aboutaz good a wa az enny tew be happee, iz tew pity thoze who are
+below us, and forgit that there iz enny boddy above us.</p>
+
+<p>Wit iz a pleasant surprize ov Truth.</p>
+
+<p>No man haz a rite tu be proud till he bekums entirely vartuous, and
+then he wont feel like being proud.</p>
+
+<p>The power ov oratory lays more in the manner, than in the matter;
+yu kant reduse it tew riting, enny more than yu kan pla a streak ov
+lightning on a hand organ.</p>
+
+<p>Sum folks when tha fite, will throw the fust brik bat tha kan git hold
+ov, jist so sum folks will du when tha argy.</p>
+
+<p>Epitaff—here lies John Ferguson, Esq., died wurth half a
+million—less the kingdom ov heaven.</p>
+
+<p>Avaris eats up all the good things in a man, and then feeds on his
+vices.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XIV" id="XIV">XIV.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">JOSH BILLINGS ADDRESSES THE "FEMAIL BILLINGSVILLE SOWING SOSIETY."</p>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Feller Sisters</span>:—When I caste mi eye on a sirkle of luvely
+wimmin bizzy with their needles, mi harte seems tew stretch clean
+akross mi buzzum. And when i reflek for a minnit, that tha are tew
+work for nothing, and find themselfs, and that a yung heathin stans
+reddy yelping around the corner, for the very shirt tha are wurking
+on, it duz seem tu me, that i cud shout hozzanner for 3 weeks on a
+strech. Feller Sisters, yu kan kount on Josh Billings az a frend; he
+luves charitee, az a pup hankers for nu milk; his verry natur looks out
+onto the horizen ov the poor folks, jist as the lite ov a tin lantern
+shines akross a bog meddow. And he sees the little bare bak yung ones
+shivering for a krust ov bread, and hungry for a shirt; then he looks
+at the Sisters, a talking and sowing, and sowing and talking, and he
+kounts a hole parcil ov little shirts<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> on the tabil, and then he thinks
+ov the widders cruise, and the bred hove onto the waters, menshioned
+in the good Book, and he feels jist az tho he wud like tew own awl
+the femail sowing sosieties in the wurld hisself, and put hiz hole
+fortin in the little reddy made cottin shirt bizziness. Oh Charitee!
+Oh Charitee! When Josh Billings communes with you, he feals az tho he
+had jist been tried out, and sot awa tew cool. Feller Sisters don't
+be skeered, let the ritch and the hawty stik up their nozes, and let
+the eddicated larf. Josh wud like no better fun than jiss to bet his
+9 dollars, that enny Sister, in full communion with this ere sowing
+sosiety, who puts in full time, and cuts the cotting tew advantage, wil
+git her final reward. Tew konklude, Feller Sisters, pitch in; remember
+Mr. Lots wife, she that was salted for looken bak. Cum together arly,
+and oftin, buy yure cottin by the pease; be keerful how yu deal out
+youre shirts, for thare iz evry now and then a bogus heathin. Stan
+bi yure konstitushion, and bi laws, dew awl this, and the "Femail
+Billingsville Sowing Sosiety" will go down tew futer prosterita, like a
+wide-awake torchlite possession. I bid yu tenderla ajew.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XV" id="XV">XV.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">NOSHUNS.</p>
+
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Yankee Noshuns.</span></p>
+
+<p>In gazeing at the different kind ov noshuns that prevale jist now,
+we are struck with the vitality, and permiskuousness, ov the Yankee
+noshuns. These are a kind ov noshuns that reside in Nu England, but
+travel awl over the world. They are for the present known az the lead
+gimblet, the basswood sperm-kandle, and the sole leather juise harp
+noshun, relieved at times, by the hickory lossenge, the charkole led
+pensil, and the lard bears ile noshun, and okasionally interlined, tew
+keep up the appetite, with paper razor straps, plaster-paris sheep
+shears, and the sour milk opedeldock noshun, which iz warranted tew
+kure the attack ov a 50 cent shinplaster, in 4 seckunds; to which has
+lately bin added pewter jak knives, with pork rhine handles, and itch
+intement, made out ov strong butter, and lamblak. Yankee noshuns are
+the affek ov tew mutch genius.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Hoss Noshuns.</span></p>
+
+<p>It iz really curis how folks differ in their noshuns about hosses, sum
+wants a bob-tailed hoss, and sum dont, sum wants a bay, and sum wants a
+yaller, and sum wants any culler so bad that they hav tew be sent tew
+state prizon, tew be healed ov their pashion for the nobel animal, the
+hoss. I knu ov one old feller who waz very noshunal, he wouldn't hav a
+hoss only jist so high, he never stabled him, and let him git hiz own
+fodder, he kept him for 47 years, and the hoss outlived him, the last
+time I saw the hoss he waz alive, but poor az wood; the old feller
+called the hoss "saw-buck," and sed he waz sired bi carpenter, out ov a
+white ash skantling. Hoss noshuns are well enuff, but they never ought
+tew be allowed tew interfere with a man's final salvashun.</p>
+
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Rum Noshuns.</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 496px;">
+<img src="images/i_054.jpg" width="496" height="600" alt="Josh Billings on trotting horses" />
+<div class="caption">Josh Billings on trotting horses.—<i>See page <a href="#Page_63">63</a>.</i></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>Perhaps thare iz no subjek that moste men agree on so well bi the
+gallon, but when it comes down tew a drink, that they are so full ov
+noshuns about, az their rum. I hav seen lots ov old-fashioned people,
+who never thought ov drinking tanzy, unless they<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span> put rum into it,
+and wouldn't no more drink a gin-coktale without nutmeg on the top ov
+it, than they would skim milk. Then agin their iz sum who must hav
+Jamaka, or the bronkeetis, one, or tuther; and sum who must hav the
+belly-ake 3 or 4 times a day, or they kant relish brandee and sugar.
+But thare waz one beardless boy, over whose hed skase 14 summers
+had melted, who beats them awl, he aktually hove a fust class mint
+julek away, and called for anuther, jist bekause it wouldn't suk fast
+enuff, through the straw; I call this letting a man's good sense git
+the better ov his judgment. Rum noshuns are like gitting struk with
+litening, the theory iz well enuff, but the praktis is a bad one tew
+git into.</p>
+
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Religious Creed Noshuns.</span></p>
+
+<p>The idee that thare iz onla one way tew git tew Heaven iz awl rong,
+but the idee that there iz but one Heaven tew git tew, iz awl right.
+Az a gineral thing nations go tew war for the most ornary things, so
+men will fite the wust kind, for a religious noshun, that they hain't
+got the fust smell of. I dont care, for mi part, whether a man iz a
+piscopaleyen, or a soft shell baptiss, nor I don't think the Lord<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span> duz
+nuther. Religious creed noshuns for man, are like the scent the foxes
+leave for the hounds, the less thare iz ov it, the more kerful the dorg
+hunts, and the less likely he iz tew take enny uther trak.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XVI" id="XVI">XVI.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">SAYINS.</p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>If yu hav got a real good wife, kepe perfectly still, and thank God
+evry twenty minnitts for it.</p>
+
+<p>A man with one idee alwus put me in mind ov an old goose a tryin to
+hatch out a paving stun.</p>
+
+<p>"Honesta is the best polisy," but dont take mi wurd for it, tri it.</p>
+
+<p>Menny a book has bin writ, which proved tu be an obituara notis ov the
+author.</p>
+
+<p>Tha tells us "that munny is the rute ov all evil;" and then tell us
+"tu rute hog or di."</p>
+
+<p>A man running for offiss puts me in minde ov a dog that's lost—he
+smells ov everybody he meets, and wags hisself all over.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Look out, galls! the Jack of hartes is alwus a nave.</p>
+
+<p>Gravity is very often mistakin for wisdum, but thare is as much differ
+as thare is between a gide board and the man who maid it.</p>
+
+<p>Evra man has a goose that lays golden eggs, if he only nu it.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XVII" id="XVII">XVII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS.</p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>"<i>Lines tu a sleeping infant</i>, bi Alice," receaved. Tha are tender,
+dredful tender, almost tu tender, tu keep thru this hot spel; yu hav
+talons ov the highest order, but yu must kross yure t's, or yu kant
+suckeed in portri; good bi Alice!</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Reverie ov a Bachelor</i>," Anonimous.—Received, and kontents
+noted. Thare iz only one trubble with this produckshun, which time
+will correckt, and that iz, "it wont du at all for our collums,"
+respekfully declined, (on the part ov the edditurs, by J. B.) on
+account ov its length and thickness.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>The Sea, the roarin Sea.</i>"—A sublime standzas, wurth at least 7
+dollars, intended, undoubtedly, for <i>The Atlantic Monthly</i>, and cent
+tu us bi mis<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span>take, we wud like tu accept it, but dassent, fur fere
+folks mite sa we stole it.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Will yu Kiss me Dearest</i>," Bi Mary Ann.—Acksepted. We take all them
+kind ov chanses. The potri ain't fust rate, but we expect the kissin
+kan't be beat, till then, fair Maid ajew!</p>
+
+<p>"<i>A gealogikal synopsorum ov the heavenly spears</i>," Bi Paul
+Vernon—Will appere in our nex issu. This writer haz attaked a subjeck
+ov grate differkilty, with the biggest kind ov energee, and haz
+suckceeded; his thesis is admirable, hiz argyment iz clus, and his
+stile is camphene. We sa "Mount Vernon! on eagil wings, beyond the
+klouds, and paint yure name rite over the top ov the door that leads
+tu glory, Mount Vernon, mi boy!" We predick grate poplarity for this
+writer, if he aint kut oph by a frost.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>A Prairie on fire</i>," Bi Diogoneze.—Rejeckted to onst. Tu hot for
+the sezon—cool artikles take the best now. It made me swet tu rede
+the manuskrip. "Dont despair Diogoneze," if yu find literature aint
+yure stile, tri sawing wood; iv'e known<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span> hundreds ov men make a dust
+sawing wood, who want worth a cuss tu write for the nusepapirs.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Wait a little longer</i>," Bi Eugene.—This potri wants greasing. Thare
+aint nothin so eaza tu rite az potri, if yu know how. Our advise tu
+this author iz tu take pills, and if tha dont release him ov his
+potri, he kan konklude he haz got the potri dizeaze the natral wa, and
+iz liable tu brake out at sumtime.</p>
+
+<p>In konklusion, Fustly, we would sa tu moste writers, "write often, and
+publish seldom." Secondly, tu sum writers, "write seldom and publish
+seldemmer."</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XVIII" id="XVIII">XVIII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">THE DEVIL'S PUTTY AND VARNISH.</p>
+
+
+<p>When a man cums tew the konklusion that he would like tew kill sumboddy
+at thirty paces, he imagines that he haz bin wronged, and sends hiz
+best friend a challenge tew fite a dewell; tha meet, and an elegant
+murder iz committed; the cracks, in this transaktion are puttyed up,
+and then varnished over, bi being kalled, "<i>an affair ov honnor</i>." When
+a man robs a saving bank, or goes tew urope on the last steamer, with
+the stolen reseipts ov a sanitary kommittee in his pocket, a kommittee
+ov investigashun are got together tew examine the stait ov affairs, and
+unanimously report "<i>a diskrepansy in hiz akounts</i>." 2 yung men hire a
+hoss and buggy at a livri stable, and go into the kuntry on Sunda. Tha
+stop at the fust tavern tha meet, and invest in sum ardent speerits.
+They stop agin pretty soon, and histe in sum more ardent speerits.
+The more tha histe in, the more tha drive, till bi and bi<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> a devilish
+bridge tips them over into a devilish gutter that sumboddy haz left
+bi the side ov the road, and tha are awl killed, including the hoss
+and buggy. This is kalled a "<i>Fatal acksident</i>." A man and hiz wife
+are living in the middle ov joy and consolashun, tha are surrounded on
+awl sides bi a yung and interesting familee, their bread iz cut thin,
+and buttered on both sides and the edges, but the destroyer enters the
+family, the wife wants a nu silk gown, the man sez he "be d—d if she
+duz," and she "be d—d if she dont." One word brings on another, till
+tha fite, both ov them lose awl the hair in their heds, and 2 full
+setts ov false teeth, the thing ends in a divorse, the man runs awa tew
+Australia bi the overland route, the woman marry's a cirkus rider at
+40 Dollars a month, the children are adopted bi sum sunda school, and
+are brought up on homopathy. This furnishes a collum and a half in the
+nusepaper, under the hed ov "<i>Disturbanse ov the marrid relation</i>." A
+youth ov 21 summer begins life with 36 thousand dollars. Sevral fast
+hosses belong tew him, there iz sevral fast wimmin that he belongs tew,
+awl the tavern keepers are hiz patrons, faro banks are bilt for hiz
+amuzement, consolidated lotterys are chartered on purpiss tew make<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span>
+him happee; nothing iz left undun tew make him feel good. He wakes up
+about the 25th ov next May, without a dollar in hiz pocket, and a host
+ov warm friends on hiz hands, without enny visible means ov supporting
+them. He takes an akount ov stock, he buys a pint ov rum and 4 yards
+ov bed kord, the one makes him limber, while the other makes him
+stiff. The putty and varnish in this kase iz, "<i>Driven tew desperashun
+on akount of finanshul preshure</i>." A rale rode trane stands snorting
+in front ov the depoe, the last bel iz ringing, the kars are full ov
+souls that belong tew different individuals, the konducktor iz full
+ov Bourbon, that belongs tew the devil, the engineer labors under an
+attack ov Jamaka for the broketis, the switchmen likes a leetle good
+old rye, the kars diskount 45 miles a hour, 2 trains tri tew pass each
+other on the same track; it kant be did suckcessfully; the mangled and
+ded are kounted bi skores, a searching investigashun takes plase, the
+community iz satizfied, bekause it waz, "<i>an unavoidable katastrophe</i>."
+The Devil furnishes putty and varnish, free ov expense, tew hide the
+frauds and guilt ov men. Aul ov which iz respekfully committed Bi</p>
+
+<p class="author">
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><span class="smcap">Josh Billings.</span></span><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XIX" id="XIX">XIX.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">MANIFEST DESTINY.</p>
+
+
+<p>Manifest destiny iz the science ov going tew the devil, or enny other
+place before yu git thare. I may be rong in this centiment, but that iz
+the way it strikes me, and i am so put together that when enny thing
+strikes me i immejiately strike back. Manifest destiny mite perhaps be
+blocked out agin az the condishun that man and things find themselfs in
+with a ring in their nozes and sumboddy hold ov the ring. I may be rong
+agin, but if i am, awl i hav got tew sa iz, i don't kno it, and what
+a man don't kno ain't no damage tew enny boddy else. The tru way that
+manifess destiny had better be sot down iz, the exact distance that
+a frog kan jump down hill with a striped snake after him; i dont kno
+but i may be wrong onst more, but if the frog don't git ketcthed the
+destiny iz jist what he iz a looking for.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>When a man falls into the bottom ov a well and makes up hiz minde tew
+stay thare, that ain't manifess destiny enny more than having yure
+hair cut short iz; but if he almoste gits out and then falls down in
+agin 16 foot deeper and brakes off his neck twice in the same plase
+and dies and iz buried thare at low water, that iz manifess destiny
+on the square. Standing behind a bull in fly time and gitting kicked
+twice at one time, must feel a good deal like manifess destiny. Being
+about 10 seckunds tew late tew git an express train, and then chasing
+the train with yure wife, and an umbreller in yure hands, in a hot
+day, and not getting az near tew the train az you waz when yu started,
+looks a leetle like manifess destiny on a rale rode trak. Going into a
+tempranse house and calling for a little old Bourbon on ice, and being
+told in a mild way that "the Bourbon iz jist out, but they hav got
+sum gin that cost 72 cents a gallon in Paris," sounds tew me like the
+manifess destiny ovmoste tempranse houses.</p>
+
+<p>Mi dear reader, don't beleave in manifess destiny untill yu see it.
+Thare iz such a thing az manifess destiny, but when it occurs it iz
+like the number ov rings on the rakoon's tale, ov no grate consequense
+onla for ornament. Man wan't made for a machine,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span> if he waz, it waz a
+locomotiff machine, and manifess destiny must git oph from the trak
+when the bell rings, or git knocked higher than the price ov gold.
+Manifess destiny iz a disseaze, but it iz eazy tew heal; i hav seen
+it in its wust stages cured bi sawing a cord ov dri hickory wood. I
+thought i had it onse, it broke out in the shape ov poetry; i sent a
+speciment ov the disseaze tew a magazine, the magazine man wrote me nex
+day as follers,</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Dear Sur</i> Yu may be a dam phule, but yu are no poeck. Yures, in
+haste."</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XX" id="XX">XX.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS.</p>
+
+
+<p>Perkins.—I hav red yure peace, on "Wimmins Rites," thru, and thru, and
+must say that i luv it. In mi opinyun, wimmin haz a rite to tu dew enny
+thing well, but saw wood; sawin wood, ain't their stile; speshially if
+the sawbuk iz a high one, it must mortify them the wust wa.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Harrold.—Yure genus iz not fully born yet, when it gits awl born,
+i think yu will be a poeck. Yu hav got imaginashun enuff tew keep a
+livery stable. Yure landguage iz a leetle too florid; did you ever
+travel in Florida? Tri agin—I notis one ov yure lines, haz 10 feet
+into it, and the nex one, haz only got 9 feet, six inches. Sum poiks
+air born, and sum are manafaktured; the manafaktured ones, are the
+moste stiddyest, tha aint so ap tew hanker after mint juleps. Yu ought
+to go up<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span> garrett when yu praktis, moste awl good poeckry haz bin rit
+up garrett.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Hard Road.—Yure essa has sum good hits intu it, but iz not jis the
+thing for a religus nuzepaper, like ours; send it tu "Wilkes Spirit," a
+paper that knows how tu talk hoss. I will merely suggess, that pedigree
+iz not important for a fast trotting hoss; if he kan trot fast, never
+minde the pedigree. Thare iz a grate menny fast men, even, who haint
+got no pedigree. Thare aint mutch art in driving a trotting hoss, jist
+hold them bak hard, and holler them ahead hard, thats awl. A hoss
+will trot the fastest down hill, espeshila, if the briching brakes.
+Kuller is no kriterion. I hav seen awful mean hosses, ov awl kullers,
+excep green, i never cee a mean one ov this kuller. Hosses liv tew
+an honarabil old age, and i hav often seen them, that apeared fully
+prepared for deth. Heathins are alwus kind tew hosses; it iz only among
+christian people, that a hoss haz tew trot 3 mile heats, in a hot da,
+for $25,000 in kounterfit munny.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XXI" id="XXI">XXI.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">ON DOGS.</p>
+
+<div class="cpoem">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">When fickle frends and fickler fortin fales,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Dogs, unfickle still, for you will wag their tales.<br /></span>
+</div></div></div>
+
+
+
+
+
+<p>Dogs are various in kind, and thanks tew an allwise Providence, tha are
+various in number. Tha are the onla animil ov the brute perswashun,
+who hav voluntary left a wilde stait ov natur, and cum in under the
+flag ov man. Tha are not vagabones bi choise, and luv tew belong tu
+sumbody. This fac endears them tew us, and i hav alwas rated the dog
+az about the seventh cusin tew the humain specious. Tha kant talk, but
+tha kan lick yure hand, this shows that their hearts iz in the plase
+where uther folks' tungs iz. Dogs in the lump are useful, but tha are
+not alwas proffittable in the lump. The Nufoundlin dog is useful tew
+saive childiren from drowning, but yu hav got tew hav a pond or water,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span>
+and children running around kareless, or else the dog aint profitable.
+Thare aint nothing maid boarding a Nufoundlin dog. Rat Tarries air
+useful tew kech rats, but the rats aint proffittable after yu hav
+keched them. The Shepard dog is useful tew drive sheep, but if yu hav
+got tew go and buy a flock ov sheep, and pay more than tha are wurth,
+jist to keep the dog bizzy, the dog aint proffittable, not mutch. Lap
+dogs are very useful, but if yu dont hold them in yure lap awl the
+time, tha aint proffittable at all. Bull dogs are extremely useful, but
+yu hav got tew keep a bull too, or else yu kant make ennything on the
+dog. The Coach dog iz one ov the moste usefullest ov dogs i kno ov,
+but yu hav got to hav a coach, (and that aint alwus pleasant) or yu
+kant realize from the dog. Thus we cee, that while dogs are ginerally
+useful, thare are times, when tha aint ginerally proffittable. I dont
+really luv a Yaller dog, nor a mad dog, but with these two unfortunate
+excepshuns, it is dredful hard work for me to sa a hard word agin a
+dog; the wag ov their tails is what takes me. Enny man who will abuze
+a dog, neadn't ask me to luv him, or pra for him. Enny man who will
+abuze a dog will abuse a woman, and enny man who will abuse a woman is
+thirty-five or<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span> forty miles meaner than—a pale paller dog. These are
+my centiments, and i shant change them, until i receive notice that the
+camel has smoothed down the hump on his back, and the sarpent ceases
+tew wiggle when he wanders.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XXII" id="XXII">XXII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">SAYINGS OF JOSH BILLINGS.</p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>I think the fools do more hurt in this world than the raskals.</p>
+
+<p>The prinsipal differense between a luxury and a necesaary iz, the
+prise.</p>
+
+<p>Awl men hav cunning, and sum men hav wisdum.</p>
+
+<p>If I aint mistaken, the best wa tew git religion, iz tew git honesta,
+and truth, and a sprinklin ov morality fust, and see how they agree
+with us.</p>
+
+<p>What a man spends in this life, he saves: what he dont git want ment
+for him, and what he saves, he loozes.</p>
+
+<p>Fame iz like a crop ov kanada thissells, very eazy tew sow, but hard
+tew reap.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Familiarity breeds contempt." this iz so—jist as soon az we git
+familiarized with castor ile, for instance we contempt it.</p>
+
+<p>Life is short, but it iz long enuff to ruin enny man who wants tew be
+ruined.</p>
+
+<p>When the soul iz in grief, it iz taking root, and when it iz in
+smiles, it iz taking wing.</p>
+
+<p>The grate art in writing well, iz tew kno when tew stop.</p>
+
+<p>Every time yu forgive a man yu weaken him, and strengthen yurself.</p>
+
+<p>Mi private opinion iz, that i should prefer boned fish tew boned
+turkey.</p>
+
+<p>"Giv the devil his due," but be very kerful that thare aint mutch due
+him.</p>
+
+<p>It haz bin obsarved, "that corporashuns haint got enny souls." Thare
+iz excepshuns tew this rule, for i kno ov several that hav got the
+meanest kind ov souls.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>After a man has rode fast onse, he never wants tew go slow agin.</p>
+
+<p>"Sparks fly upward." Old maids will pleaze make a note ov this.</p>
+
+<p>"What will it proffit a man, if he gain the whole wurld, and loze his
+own soul? i answer, nothing: but thare are cases, whare thare wouldn't
+be enny loss tew speek ov.</p>
+
+<p>"Think twice before yu speak onse," but don't think, "d—n it."</p>
+
+<p>Thare iz onla one thing that i blame Adam for, and that iz, when he
+had the onla woman on arth, he didn't git her warranted.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XXIII" id="XXIII">XXIII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">FASHION.</p>
+
+
+<p>Fashion is a compound mixtur ov much taist, and sum vanitee. The taist
+that is into it, saives it from ridikule. Fashun iz just az necessara
+tu govern men and wimmin with, az sivil law; in fack menny folks wud
+ruther brake a statu than tu ware a cut tale tu short, or a bunnet tu
+obtuze.</p>
+
+<p>Exsentrisity iz one thing, and fashun iz anuther thing. We haint got
+no more rite tu laff at fashun, than we hav tu laff at vittels. What
+a man, or woman eats, if it iz well cooked, iz all rite, and what tha
+ware, if it iz well cooked, is ditto.—After fashuns hav had their da,
+then iz the time tu despize them; just so it iz with vittels; cold
+vittels for instanze.</p>
+
+<p>Nobody iz tu blame for old fashuns. If our grate grand mother shud
+meet our present mother, both ov them dressed in the fashun ov their
+respek<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span>tif daze, tha wud go tu kalling each other old Fools, and we
+should stan by, and offer tu bet on it. If evry boddy had a fashun ov
+their own, it wud make az mutch trubble az a shinplaster kurrensy. Them
+that sett the fashun, aught tu be vartuous and big minded, bekauze the
+morals ov a people are just about az mutch inflooensed by fashun az tha
+are by religun. In them daze, when tha had no partiklar fashun, tha
+didn't hav partiklar enny thing else. It iz more evidense ov vanitee to
+rejek fashun, than it iz tu adopt it.</p>
+
+<p>Evra boddy, more or lessly, hankers after fashun. Fashun makes the
+poor ambishus, and it makes the rich affabil; it makes the vartuous
+cheerful, and it makes the humbly kind ov handsum, and thare iz no
+reson why it shud make the modest bold, enny more than elegense shud
+make the butiful wicked. Thare has alwus bin wolfs in sheeps clothing,
+and fashun will okasionally be used for the same purpis, but that aint
+enny reson why mutton aint good, nor why fashun shud be hipokrasy.
+Bekauze sum peopil are slaves tu fashun only proves its power, and yu
+will find that thoze who are its slaves are ginerally free from moste
+ov the big sins that humin natur iz subjec tu. The big minded, and the
+noble, adopt fash<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span>un jist az tha du enny uther proper kustom, simpla
+bekause it iz the fashun.</p>
+
+<p>It is tru that sum ov the fashuns are absurd, and it is tru that sum ov
+the vartues are absurd also. If a fashun kant be maid tu square itself
+tu the rules ov either good cense or good taist, it aint fashun, it is
+consait. A grate menny folks ced that whoops was a failure, but tha
+held their own, and grew nisely; tha are realy evra thing in a hot da.
+I shud like tu set in one all thru Juli and August; a feller wud be as
+cool as a dog's nose in a wire muzzel.</p>
+
+<p>The essa is thru.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 441px;">
+<img src="images/i_080.jpg" width="441" height="500" alt="The occasional effect of Santa Cruz Rum" />
+<div class="caption"><p>The occasional effect of Santa Cruz Rum on a gentleman
+of genial spirits.—<i>See page <a href="#Page_80">80</a>.</i></p></div>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XXIV" id="XXIV">XXIV.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">REMARKS.</p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>Marrying a woman for her munny is vera mutch like setting a rat-trap,
+and baiting it with yure own finger.</p>
+
+<p>"Between tew evils chuze the least." Brandee and gin, for instance,
+which will yu hav?</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps sum philosophick mind kan tell me why the Jews never eat whats
+on the left side ov a baked goose.</p>
+
+<p>If men had a good deal more faith than tha had kommon sense, moste ov
+them wud expek tu liv, as Eliger ov old did.</p>
+
+<p>When a man's harte gits up into his hed, his charitees will smell
+tu mutch ov wisdom; and when<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span> his hed gits down into his harte, his
+wisdom smells tu much ov charitee.</p>
+
+<p>I wud as soon take a ten dollar kounterfit bill on the Kodfish Bank
+ov Nufoundland, as tu marry a woman with false hare, false teeth or a
+false buzzum.</p>
+
+<p>Men don't repli tu real sarkasm.</p>
+
+<p>Ginowine proverbs ar like good kambrick needles—short, sharp, and
+shiny.</p>
+
+<p>The fust man who was born inter the wurld, killed the sekund one, and
+i aint sure but it wud hav bin a good plan if the men had tuk their
+turns at killing ever sinse.</p>
+
+<p>Art improves a diamond, but kant make one.</p>
+
+<p>"Gra hares are honarabil," but I kno ov a grate menny gra <i>heds</i> that
+the devil will keep under a glas kase, tu sho the curous in theze
+matters.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XXV" id="XXV">XXV.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">PROVERBIAL PIG.</p>
+
+
+<p>Az the white rose wakens intu buty, so dus the white Pig cum tu gladden
+us. His ears are like the lilac leaf, played upon bi the young zephurs
+at eventide, his silkaness is the woof ov buty, and his figger is the
+outline ov lovlaness. His food is white nectar, drawn from the full
+fountain ov affecshun. He waxes fatter, and more slik, evra da, and
+hangs from the buzzum ov his muther like an image ov alabastur. He
+laffeth at forms, and curleth his tale still clusser, as his feast
+goeth on, then he riseth with gladness, and wandereth with his kindred,
+beside the still waters. His brothers and sisters are az like him as
+flakes ov snow, and all the day long, amung the red klover, and beneath
+the white thorn, he maketh his joy, and leadeth a life arkadian. His
+words are low musik, and his language the untutored freshness ov natur.
+His pastime is the his<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span>tory ov innersence, and his lessure is elaganse.
+He walketh whare grase leadeth, and gambles tew the dallianse ov dewy
+fragranse. He gathereth straws in his mouth, and hasteneth awa on
+errants ov gladness. He listeneth tu the reproof of hiz parent; his
+ackshuns are the laws ov perliteness, and his logick is the power ov
+instinkt. His datime is pease and his evening is gentle forgitfullness.
+As he taketh on years, he loveth kool plases, and delveth in liquids,
+and stirreth the arth tew a fatness, and painteth hisself in dark
+cullers, a reffuge from flize, and the torments ov life. He forgetteth
+his parent, and bekumeth his own master, and larneth the mistery ov
+food, and groweth hugely. Men gaze at his porkyness, and kount his
+vallu bi pounds, and la in wate for him, and sacrifise him, and give
+his flesh salt for its safety. This is Pig life.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XXVI" id="XXVI">XXVI.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">PROVERBS.</p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>Preeching the gospel for nothin, is easy enuff, but preeching it fur 5
+thousand a yere, and hav it sute, is anuther thing entirely.</p>
+
+<p>A ded traitor makes a sweete korps.</p>
+
+<p>Matches, ma be <i>made</i> in heavin, but tha ar ginerally <i>sold</i> down here.</p>
+
+<p>Yu ma make a whissel out ov a pig's tale, but if you du, you'll find
+you've spilte a verry worthy tale, and got a devilish poor whissel.</p>
+
+<p>I consait thare is this difference between bashfullness, and modesta,
+the one soon wares oph, the other never dus.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A vartuous, and ekonomikal, and knooing, and butiful woman is—<i>is</i>,
+all that kan be sed on the subjec.</p>
+
+<p>Fitckshun is a kind ov haf wa hous, betwen the temples ov Truth and
+Fallshood, whare the good and the bad meet tu lie a little.</p>
+
+<p>Praing, and Charitee, ought tu be dun on the sli.</p>
+
+<p>The moste intensely butiful scene i ever perused, was a clene, fat,
+haf dressed baby, on the floor, kicking up its little heels, and
+pounding a lookin glass, and a gold watch together.</p>
+
+<p>Munny is like promises, easier maid than kept.</p>
+
+<p>The fules in this wurld make about as much trubble as the wicked du.</p>
+
+<p>Misfortin and twins hardly ever cum singly.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XXVII" id="XXVII">XXVII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</p>
+
+
+<p><i>Bolivar.</i>—Yu are rite about it, courtin a yung widder iz no boys
+play. Yu hav got to stick and hang. Feed them well, and take them
+tu the circus, and go out into the avenu with a kupple ov blood ba
+lightning calculators, that's the wa! Dont waste enny time waiting
+for a full moon nuther. Widders luv oysters and gass lite the best.
+Dont flatter them much, but pitch in, and rush matters. Menny a widder
+has bin lost, bi fuleing around, gitting reddy tu court. Maids luv
+centiment, but widders luv muscle.</p>
+
+
+
+<p><i>Fanny.</i>—Pork and beans are good, that's a fack, but yu must go down
+suller and eat them, don't let ennybody cee yu du it. Sassage grease iz
+ap tu rise on the stummuk, and if yu eat raw onions, and dont swaller
+them hull, tha are ap tu make yure<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> breth defensive, so tha sa. If yu
+want tew katch yure bo, run rite tuther wa, and skream a small-sized
+skream, and dont look bak till yu katch him. If yure bo wants tew marry
+yu, and yu ar enny whar near reddy, it iz a good genral rule tew let
+him du it.</p>
+
+
+
+<p><i>David.</i>—The best kind ov a dog tew hav for awl purposes iz a wooden
+one. Tha dont kost much, and aint liable tew git out ov repair. They
+are easy kep, and yu alwus kno whare tu find them. Tha aint kross tu
+children when yu step on their tales. Bi awl means git a small one. I
+never knu one ov this breed tu foller ennybody oph.</p>
+
+
+
+<p><i>Citizen.</i>—I think yu hav cum tu just konklusion from the premisis.
+Yu sa, "enny man who will chaw plug terbakker, will drink santa kruize
+rum; enny man who will drink santa kruize rum, will go tew the devil;
+and enny man who will go tu the devil, is mean enuff tu du enny thing."
+Bi thunder, i think yure more than 3/4 rite, I will think the thing
+over clus, and if i find you are rite, i'll telegraff tew yu.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<p><i>Richard.</i>—Thare aint no sich thing az a munny aristokrat in this free
+Amerikan land ov freedum. If a man knows more than anuther man, he has
+got a rite tew throw his hed bak and brag onto it a little. But if a
+man haint got onla munny, he haint got no more rite tu brag onto it
+then he wud hav tu brag onto a big pile ov manure that wanted spreading.</p>
+
+
+
+<p><i>Gipsey.</i>—I kant giv yu enny partikler rule for riteing for the
+nuzepapers. Korrekt spelling iz the verry bowels ov suckcess. This
+art is onkomon hard tew obtain; but few ever reach it and liv. If yu
+want yure name tew go down tu posterita untarnished, dont rite for the
+nusepapers, but go and hav yure name painted in red letters onto a
+board, and la it awa up garrett.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XXVIII" id="XXVIII">XXVIII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">PROVERBS OF THE BILLINGS FAMILY.</p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>Humin natur is the same all over the world, cept in Nu England, and
+thar its akordin tu sarcumstances.</p>
+
+<p>A kodfish aristokrat alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man a tryin tu
+walk a krack.</p>
+
+<p>Rum is good in its plase, and hel is the plase for it.</p>
+
+<p>Akordin tu skripter thar will be just about as many Kammills in heavin
+as rich men.</p>
+
+<p>When yu korte a widder, yu want tu du it with spurs on.</p>
+
+<p>Larfin at yure own story, while yu are tellin on it, is a good dele
+like firing a gun oph thru the tuch hole.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A pet lam, alwus makes a kross ram.</p>
+
+<p>A live harte sumtimes gits intu a ded body, so dus perls git intu
+jersa clams.</p>
+
+<p>"Glory enuff for one da," attendin a nigger kamp meeting.</p>
+
+<p>He who skorns to be inflooensed at tall by fashun is a wize fool.</p>
+
+<p>I am prepaired tu say tu sevin ov the rich men out ov evry ten, makes
+the most ov yure money for it makes the most ov yu.</p>
+
+<p>If i had a boy who didn't lie well enuff tu sute me, i wud set him tu
+tendin a retale dri good store.</p>
+
+<p>Man was kreated a little lower than the angells and has bin gittin a
+little lower ever sinse.</p>
+
+<p>The moste oneasy kreetur i ever perused, was a bob tale bull, in fli
+time.</p>
+
+<p>When a feller gits a goin down hil, it dus seem as tho evry thing had
+bin greased for the okashun.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I hav known folks whose <i>calibre</i> was very small, but whose <i>bore</i> was
+very big.</p>
+
+<p>The meanest man i ever nu was the one who stole a suggar whissel from
+a nigger baby tu sweeten a kup ov rye koffee with.</p>
+
+<p>Pluk is a nise kompound ov pride, vanitee and vartue.</p>
+
+<p>Robbers are like rane, tha fall on the just and the unjust.</p>
+
+<p>We hate those who will not take our advise, and despise them who do.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XXIX" id="XXIX">XXIX.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">A FU REMARKS.</p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>Moral swashun consis in asking a man tu do what he aught tu do without
+askin, and then beggin hiz pardon if he refuses tu do it.</p>
+
+<p>I hav finally kum tu the konklusion, that a good reliable sett ov
+bowels, iz wurth more tu a man, than enny quantity ov brains.</p>
+
+<p>Musick hath charms tu soothe a savage; this may be so, but i wud
+rather tri a revolver on him fust.</p>
+
+<p>It alwus seemed to me that a left handed fiddler must pla the tune
+backwards.</p>
+
+<p>I hav often bin told that the best wa iz tu take a "Bull bi the
+horns," but i think in many instanzes i shud prefer the "tale holt."</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The fust law ov natur iz tu steal; the sekund law is tu hide, and the
+third iz tu—steal agin.</p>
+
+<p>Poverta acts the same onta a man's branes, az exercise dus onto hiz
+boddy, gives an appetite.</p>
+
+<p>I never could cee any use in making wooden gods mail and femail.</p>
+
+<p>If the harte iz rite, the hed cant be very rong.</p>
+
+<p>Tha tell me that femails are so skarse, in the far western country,
+that a grate menny married wimmin are alreddy engaged tu their sekund
+and third husbands.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>N. B. The above remarks are not intended to be personal.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XXX" id="XXX">XXX.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">A LEKTURE TO MALE YOUNG MEN ONLY.</p>
+
+
+<p>Yu are about 2 begin life, yung men, for the fust time, and I suppose
+thare wud be no impropriety in mi saing, for the last time tew. It is
+hily important or thereabouts, that yu set down in sum kool plase,
+and take an honest akount ov stok, or in other wurds, less poetick
+but equally tru, yu sarch out the ramifikashun ov natur, and see what
+natur haz ramified yu for. Now skriptur will tell yu, that men don't
+gether pigs from thissels, neither dus the husband, nor hiz wife, nor
+enny ov his relashuns, plant korn when tha are after pumpkins, nor
+sow bukwheat, when he iz a lookin for old rye. Kauze and affeck iz
+anuther awful good thing to studdy; yu will find this talked ov in Dan
+Webster's dicktionary. Having follered the above advise, and having
+hefted the above reasoning, yu will cum tew the konklusion, whether
+it iz best for yu tu studdy law,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span> or studdy shumaking, both ov them
+honerabil biznisses, and equally kondusiv tew helth. Yu will also be
+enabled tew bet with dispatch, whether yu hav a kall, tew preach the
+gospil, or sel yankee no shuns at auction, both ov them respektuous if
+honestla follared, and both ov them liabel tew be led estra, and end
+at laste in the bronkeetis. The studdy ov medisin will present itself
+and flap its wings and crow, but it kant fule yu, bekause yu have sot
+down, as rekomended above, and tuk akount ov yure liabilitys, and kno
+tew a spot whether yu air konstructed rite for a veteran surgeon amung
+hosses, or hav the rite natur for dealing out kalamil & gallup amung
+men, wimmin & childrin. Yu will likewize hav it in yure power tew gess
+clussly between being a kolporter or keeping a billiard tabil; if yu
+find that yure goose iz morally sound, yu will itinerate at onst, but
+if yu diskiver a leak in yure base, yu will take up yure cue, naturally
+& akordinly. Selling dri goods and blaksmithing wil klaim yure especial
+notis, and wil bother yu dredfully for a verdik; but if yu find yu hav
+kalico on the brain, & aint afraid tew stretch the cloth & the truth
+a little, when yu mezure it, yu will straddle the kounter like an
+ingyrubber clothes pin, and smile on yure kus<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span>tomers like a sleeping
+babe trubbled with wind. Yu wil, without doubt, be asked tu sa whether
+yu wil be a pollytisian or a blakleg, both equally honorabil. If yu
+hav enny reasonable douts about cheatin yure moste intimate frends,
+and aint willing tew be seen in low grogerys on lecktion daze, buying
+votes with cheap whiska and kounterfit munny, and dont expek tew buy
+yure elekshun, and then sell yure prinsiples tew git even; if yu kant
+go this, and tend awl the churches near yu in rotashun, and hear folks
+sa, "What an ornyment to sosiety he iz!" i sa, if yu kant go all this
+without blushing, yu will ov course adopt the blakleg, and gain an
+honest living bi cheatin on the square.</p>
+
+<p>Yung men yu will awl detek in this lekture a frendla feeling towards
+yu bi the author, and if yu foller the direckshuns laid down above, yu
+wil diskiver the wigglings ov yure genius, in time perhaps, tew saive
+yureselfs from cuming the govenor ov sum state, when natur kindly
+ramified yu for a carpenter and jiner.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XXXI" id="XXXI">XXXI.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">CLEVER FELLOWS.</p>
+
+
+<p>It is perfectly astounding how full ov <i>clever fellows</i> the world
+iz. Yu kan find them almost ennywhere, on the korner ov the streets,
+reddy tew say, "mi dear fellow how are yu?" and adjourn at onst tew
+the hotell and take a drink with yu. Yu can find them in the churches,
+reddy tew slap yu on the back and take yure meazure for a front pew,
+next tew the Hon. Hannibal Herring Hallibut, Esq., at the lucid figger
+ov $450 Dollars per year, and a liberal chanse at the contribushun
+plate, twice evry Sunda. Yu kan find them in the lucky possession ov a
+blood bay pair ov geldings sired by Casshus M. Klay, and jist refused
+tu the widder ov a defunk sope biler, at $2700 dollars, but tew yu!
+confidensially! tew yu!! tha will be placed at $2000. Yu kan find them
+in nominashun for congress, bland, fond, and peculiar, kneeling tew
+acksep yure sufrage<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span> as limber az a lover, ov the milk weed genus, at
+the balmorell ov a $30,000 Dollars maiden.—Yu can find them reddy tew
+indorse yure paper, <i>yesterday</i>, for awl the munny in the institushun.
+Good Lord! Good Lord! how thick tha are. I alwus treat theze fellers
+kindly, jist az tho i loved them, but i alwus stand in frunt ov them,
+az i do when i admire a mule. I dont think tha hav az mutch malis az
+impudense, and sum ov them are so innersent, that i really beleaf tha
+think tha are honest. I dont think the wurld could git along without
+theze clever feller, tha ar jist what keep truth above par, and furnish
+the romanse ov life with a continual freshness. I sa, long live
+theze clever fellers! and when tha die, if tha kan manage tew wiggle
+themselves into the better land, i am the last man who will desire to
+step on their tales.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XXXII" id="XXXII">XXXII</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">AFFERISIMS.</p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>God save the phools! and don't let them run out, for if it want for
+them, wise men couldn't get a livin.</p>
+
+<p>Sum peoples branes are located in their heds.</p>
+
+<p>We are told "that there want ennything maid in vain," but i hav
+thought that awl the time spent in manufakturing striped snaix, and
+muskeeters, waz wasted.</p>
+
+<p>If thare waz nothing but truth in this wurld, a fool would stand just
+as good a chanse az a wize man.</p>
+
+<p>True perlitenes consists in being anxus about the welfair ov uthers;
+false perliteness consists in being verry anxus about nothing.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Robbers are like rain, tha fall on the just, and the unjust.</p>
+
+<p>If a man iz az wize az a sarpent, he can afford to be as harmless as a
+dove.</p>
+
+<p>We are ap tu hate them, who wont take our advise, and despize them who
+do.</p>
+
+<p>It iz dredful eazy tew be a phool—a man kan be one and not know it.</p>
+
+<p>Real happiness dont consiss so mutch in what a man dont hav, az it
+duz, in what he dont want.</p>
+
+<p>Fear iz the fust lesson larnt, and the laste one forgotten.</p>
+
+<p>Noboddy but a phool, gits bit twise bi the same dog.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XXXIII" id="XXXIII">XXXIII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS.</p>
+
+
+<p>Josh Billings wants it respekfully understood that, tho hiz duta az
+sensor ov a vartuous press ockasionally kauses him tew lite onto sum
+contributors at a high rate ov speed, he dus it, not out ov malis tu
+those who rite, but thru grate luv and tribulashun for thoze who read:</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">TO CONTRIBUTORS.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>I Hear an Angell Whispre</i>," by <i>Clemantha</i>.—Theze lines contain more
+poeckry, and less truth. The fact is, Angells don't whispre, if tha hav
+got enny thing tew sa, tha sa it rite out loud. Tri agin, Clemantha;
+rite onto kontentment, or happiness, or sum sich subjec, that haint
+never bin rit onto.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>"<i>Slavery, ordained ov God</i>," <i>bi A. D. P.</i>—This produckshion we cant
+accept. We are bound<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> in our insuranse polisy not tew hav on hand
+"enny article extra hazardus on akount ov fire," and we don't want tu
+be struk bi litenin, nor sent tu purgatory, and looze our insurance
+besides. Furthermore, writers must giv us their names in full; A. D. P.
+mite stand for <i>A. D—m Phule</i>, and we aint a doing enny bizness with
+them kind not if we are credibly informed.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>"<i>On Pisgers nobil hites i stood, communin with our ansesters</i>," <i>bi
+Clarense</i>.—Blank varse, bi grashus! If my memry dont fule me, this iz
+the same spot whare Noer stood, with the Ark previously. We aint mutch
+on blank varse, but think we smel a rat. We hav sent the peace tew
+the "Kommitty on forrin relashuns," and if tha sa the peace iz on the
+square, it will be published, ackompanied with a full sized 3 dollar
+puff.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>"<i>Epitaff on a friend</i>," <i>bi Emeline Parsons</i>.—Epitaffs are played out
+with us. We continu tew publish them, at 25 cents ahed, az we du deth
+and weddings, and dont hold ourself resposible for truth or damage. We
+luv tu enkurage genius tho, and advise Emeline Parsons tu diet, and
+keep her hand in bi riteing for the Nu York Leger.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<p>"<i>Essa on Hurrykanes</i>," <i>bi Tempest Jun'</i>.—Wil appear jist az soon az
+the hurrykane softens down a little. This writer handles a hurrykane
+the best we ever see it did. Hiz deskripshun resembles chain litening
+quietly. He maiks the grate oaks tew wiggle lik mad sarpents, and the
+roks tew bile and bust open, and the hole arth tew rumbil az tho it
+had the kolick. This writer could git up a ghost that would be wurth
+having. Tempest Jun' will pleze send us his photergraff, we want a
+personal intervu.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;">
+<img src="images/i_104.jpg" width="700" height="458" alt="John Billings drives out to the Races" />
+<div class="caption">John Billings drives out to the Races.—<i>See page <a href="#Page_100">100</a>.</i></div>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XXXIV" id="XXXIV">XXXIV.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">A SHORT AND VERY AFFEKTING ESSA ON MAN.</p>
+
+
+<p>Man iz a problem not yet solved, made out ov dirt, and smells ov the
+material. He waz kreated a little lower than the angells, and haz bin
+gittin a little lower ever sinse. He waz given a butiful hum, clus tew
+the borders ov heaven, the fruit and the flower waz planted for him,
+and the sweet waters were led along hiz futpath, birds sung onla for
+him, and woman was bilt tew make hiz joy komplete. The lam laid her hed
+on the lion's buzzum, and the viper knu not ov his sting. The winds
+waz tempered with soft fragranse, and awl things had onla the soul ov
+innersence in them. Guile there waz none, fear there waz none, even
+hope thare waz none, for thare waz nothing tew want. This waz butiful
+tew behold, but it didn't prove enny thing, but the kindness ov God.
+Could the arth be peopled? could<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> the oseans be crossed? could the
+forest be chopped down? could sittys be built? could enny boddy be made
+tew work when thare waz nothing to hope for and nothing tew want? Man
+waz created tew govern a world ov ruggidness, and he couldn't dew it
+bi being as harmless as a dove; he must hav a touch ov a good sized
+sarpent in him, or he would has lived, he and hiz wife, growing butiful
+and useless, forever, in the Garden ov Eden. Man never waz bilt for the
+Garden ov Eden; he waz onla put thare tew see its buty, but not tew
+enjoy it till he had arnt it; not tew liv thare untill a weary round
+had bin paced. Eden waz hiz kradle, Eden was the pla ground ov hiz yung
+Adamhood, and under hiz vine and fig treeze waz hiz old age tew be
+gathered. How menny ov the countless millions, who hav gone forth from
+the pearly gate ov the garden hav ever entered agin? Sum few, perhaps
+hav got back, weary and worn, sum few hav got back within sight ov its
+glory, and sleep thare, but legions lay whare they hav fell az far from
+their hum az wandering feet could carry them; and man after 5,000 years
+ov birthrite tew awl the glora ov heaven, and arth, iz az mutch ov a
+problem az ever. If he governs the arth—if the lightnings obey him—if
+art iz the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> monark ov natur, and if even the angels are at times
+tempted tew admire him, strugling with the sarpent, iz he not, at this
+day, a moste magnificent failure? kan he, who haz governed so mutch,
+that even angels would shudder tew attack, can he govern <i>himself</i>.
+This iz the problem. It iz but a step from the furtherest grave tew the
+garden ov Eden, but how few will take it. We awl know the wa back tew
+the kradle ov Eden. We awl long tew be thare asleep, but if God dont
+take us in hiz arms, az froward children are taken, how few thare will
+be, who will ever git hum. Man iz the problem, God iz the solution.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XXXV" id="XXXV">XXXV.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">THE RASE KOARSE.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>"Grate rase! at Sulphur Flat trotting Park, on Thursda, April 9th,
+for a puss ov 13 dollars, and a bulls-eye watch, free for awl hosses,
+mares, geldings, mules, and Jackasses!"</p></blockquote>
+
+
+<p>Seeing the above anounsement, pasted up on a gide board, at "Jamaka rum
+four corners," and having never saw a hoss trot, on a well regulated
+rase koarse, for the improvement ov the breed ov hosses, i agreed i wud
+go, jist tew encourage the breeding ov good hosses. I found the village
+of Sulphur Flats located in a lot and well watered bi a griss-mill
+and 2 tannerys. The prinsipal buildings seem tu consiss ov a tavern
+stand, 3 groserys, an insurance offiss, and anuther tavern stand, awl
+condukted on strik whiskee prinsiples. I found the inhabitants a good
+deal tired in their religus views and i thought the opening wud admit 3
+or 4 missionarys abreast.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The moste prinsipal bizness ov the peopil waz pealing bark in the
+winter, and pitchin cents az soon az warm wether sot in. I asked a
+gentleman present, who ced he waz a reporter for "The Yung Man's
+Christian Gide," if he knew what the poplashun ov the plase definitely
+waz, and he ced he definitely didn't, but if i would set out a pail ov
+whiskee, with a dipper into it, on the top ov a hemlock stump, that
+grew in front ov the tavern, it wouldn't be 60 minnits befour i cud
+count the whole ov them, and then we both ov us smiled, az it were, tew
+onst. Having asked sum uther inquirys, ov a mexed natur, i santered
+down tu where the rase koarse waz.</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">THE TRACK.</p>
+
+<p>I found the track waz about a mild in circumferense, and ov a sandy
+disposishun, fensed in by a kranbury mash on one side, and a brush
+fense on tuther, and in jist about 3 minnet condishun. The judge's
+stand waz an ox cart surrounded on the sides bi a ha rigging, and the
+reporters waz invited tew git intu the cart.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<p class="center">THE HOSSES</p>
+
+<p>Waz a gra mare, about the usual stature, not verry fat, and laboring
+under a spring halt, which tha ced she had caught ov anuther hoss,
+about 10 days ago. Tha ced she had trotted tu a kamp-meeting last fall
+inside ov a verry short time, and that her back bone waz awl game. I
+asked a yung man with long yeller hair and bedtick pantyloons on, who
+waz currying oph the mare, what her pedigree was, and he with a wink
+tew anuther feller who stood clus bi, ced, "she waz got bi the Landlord
+out ov a Methdiss minister," and then tha both laffed. I found out bi
+inquirin, that her name waz "Fryin-Pan." The uther hoss waz a red hoss,
+rather hastily konstructed, with a spare tale on him, which tha ced waz
+kaused by his trotting so fast, in a windy day; i shud think he waz
+about 5 feet and a haf in hite, and ov a kickin natur. Tha ced he waz a
+stranger in theze parts, and that his rite name waz "Juise Harp."</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">FUST HEAT.</p>
+
+<p>The hosses both cum up tew the skore in the immejiate visinity ov
+each uther, and got the wurd<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span> tew go, the fust time. The gra mare waz
+druv bi "Dave Larkin," and the hoss was handled bi "Ligh Turner." Tha
+trotted sublimely, az clus az the Siamese twins; the mare with her hed
+hi up and her noze full ov winde; the hoss waz stretched out tite,
+like a chalk line; tha passed the haf mile pole simultaneously, time,
+2 minnits. Now the kontost becum exsiting, "Dave" hollered, and "Ligh"
+yelled—on tha kum, the mare gru higher, and the hoss gru longer—tha
+make the last turn tew onst—tha look like a dubble team—the
+exsitement grows more intensely—the crowd sways to and fro—the ox
+cart trembles—tha cum! tha cum! sich shouting, sich yelling, sich
+swearing, sich chawing terbacker, waz never herd before; the mare iz
+ahed!—no, the hoss iz ahed! 'tis even, 'tis a ded hete, tha pass the
+ox-kart—the hoss wins bi 3 quarters ov an inch, time 4 minnits lacking
+2 seckunds.</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">REMARKS.</p>
+
+<p>The bosses ar surrounded bi a crowd ov men, wimmin, and children. Each
+party are sanguinary ov suckces. The bettin iz 2 quarts ov whiskee to
+anything, on the red hoss. At this junktare the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> gentleman, reporter
+for the Young Man's Christian Gide, propozed tew bet 75 cents that the
+mare wud win the nex heat; i tuk the proposishun forthwithly, and the
+steaks, bi mutual consent, was placed in mi hat and sot under the kart,
+and here let me stait, before i forget it, that i haint saw the steaks
+nor the hat sinse.</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">SECKUND HEAT.</p>
+
+<p>The hosses both sho signs ov distress. The gra mare's ears hang down
+the side ov her hed, like two wet rags, and the hoss rests his tale on
+the ground. Tha go slola bak tew the distanse pole, and cum up agin tew
+the skore, az tho tha waz yoked together. Awa tha go; the hoss a leetle
+ahed. The hoss leads tew the haf mild pole in 2:30. On the bak stretch,
+"Dave" went at the mare with hiz long purswader; she trots like
+litening, she passes the hoss! no! she busts! she busts! and befour
+"Dave" cud flatten her down tew her work, she broke from the trak and
+trotted clean up tew her hips in the krambery mash. The hoss cum in awl
+alone, trotting fast, and so clus down, that 2 feet ov his tale dragged
+on the ground. Time ov this<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span> heat, not fur from 5 minnits. "Juise Harp"
+winning, bi a quarter ov a mild. Thus ended the grate rase at "Sulphur
+Flats." I immejiately started on foot for "Jamaka Rum four corners,"
+bare headed, but fully impressed that, tho men, and even whiskee mite
+deteryoate, the breed ov hosses must begin tew improve in that seckshun
+ov the kuntry in a fu dais.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XXXVI" id="XXXVI">XXXVI.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">'GIV THE DEVIL HIZ DUE.'</p>
+
+
+<p>This iz good advise. I don't kno who waz the auther ov it, if I did,
+i wud go for rewarding him, either with a sett ov plated ware, or a
+prize in the art union. No man kould giv better advise, or consolashun;
+he ought tew hav a 2 story monament, when he dize, with an epitaff on
+it, founded on fack; he ought tew hav at leaste fifteen hundred little
+children named after him each year; he ought tew be nussed in men's
+memorys like a plesant dreme, that afterwards turned out tew be true.
+He ought to hav his fotograph taken bi evry new sky-lite in the land,
+he ought tew be sett tew musick, and be sung in conneckshun with the
+docksaloger; he ought tew be stereotyped, so that nu edishuns could
+constantly be worked oph tew meet the pressing demand.</p>
+
+<p>"Giv the Devil hiz due." Yung man, this ad<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span>vise was got up for yu. If
+yu owe the Devil ennything pay him off at onse, and then discharge him,
+and dont hire him over agin at enny prise. That's what the author ment.
+Be honest, pay even the devil, if yu owe him, but dont owe him agin. If
+the proprietor ov this most worthy proverb, "Giv the devil hiz due,"
+still lives, altho i haint had the pleasure ov an introducksion tew
+him, if he ever wants enny thing, <i>even good advise</i>, he kan git it in
+awl natiff purity and innersense, bi dropping a line tu his everlasting
+well wisher.</p>
+
+<p class="author">
+<span class="smcap">Josh Billings.</span>
+</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XXXVII" id="XXXVII">XXXVII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">WATCH DOGS.</p>
+
+
+<p>Mi dearly beloved christian friend, did yu ever visit enny body? Did
+yu ever visit enny boddy who resided in the subburbs? Did yu ever
+visit enny boddy who resided in the subburbs, and kept a grate lank,
+watery-eyed, yeller dog, with very long hare on hiz bak?—Did yu ever
+hav this grate lank, yeller-devil dog cum loping down tu the frunt
+gate, tu welcum yu with a hiena yowl, and with the long hare on hiz bak
+pitching forward az tho it wud cum out bi the rutes, and his tale awl
+swelled up like a settin hen's? Kan yu rekolek the horrid fear that
+seized upon yu, and froze yu fast tu the arth, az the monster foamed
+in rage around yu? Yu gaze in agny tords the hous—it seems 3 weeks
+at least. At last the frunt door kautiously opens—yure lady friend
+recognizes yu: "Bless me! Mrs. Bingler, how glad i am tew cee yu!
+dew cum rite in.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> How pale the walk has made yu! Tiger! Tiger! hush
+yu! He is onla glad tew cee yu. Dew cum rite in, Mrs. Bingler." Mrs.
+Bingler, let me ask yu a question, privately: "Dew yu kandidly think
+that the luv yu bare for yure lady friend, Mrs. Baremore, who livs in
+the subberbs, iz enny kind ov atonement for the hate and horror that
+yu will alwus hav for the grate lank, watery-eyed, yeller dog Tiger
+that she keeps tew welcum her visitors with? If yu dew, please address,
+postage paid, <span class="smcap">Josh Billings</span>, <span class="smcap">Box</span> 467, Pokeepsie
+sitty."</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XXXVIII" id="XXXVIII">XXXVIII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">ANSWER TO CONTRIBUTORS.</p>
+
+
+<p><i>Amerikus.</i>—Your contribushun is in hand. We like its fluidness. It
+is like ile on a side hill. Natur haz did a good thing for yu, and
+yu ought tew be willing tew dew a good thing for natur. This line in
+your produkshun strikes us as very butiful and original; "And larn the
+luxury of dewing good." Gold smith hisself mite hav bin proud ov sich
+a line. And again; "Oh would sum power the gifty giv us, ov seeing
+oursels as uthers cee us;" yure idee ov indroducing the skotch acksent
+into yure stile, is verry happee. If yu never hav red Robert Burns, yu
+will be suprised to larn that his style verry mutch resembles yures.
+Onse more yu sa; "If ignoranse is bliss, tis folly tew be wise." This
+sentiment is jist as tru as tis common. Pope, I think, has sumthing
+similar; but awl grate minds sometimes express theirselfs alike. Yure
+contribu<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span>shun will appear in our nex issu, with a <i>wood cut</i> piktur ov
+a saw buck at the top ov it.</p>
+
+
+
+<p><i>Beta</i>—I think sumly as yu do, "this wurld is all a fleetin cirkus,
+for man's illushun given," but that aint no rezon for not pitching in
+and being illusioned onse in a while. I wouldn't giv a cent for a man
+who hadn't bin illusioned, and who didn't expect tew be several times
+again.</p>
+
+
+
+<p><i>Mathew.</i>—I see bi yure letter that yu hav determined tew studdy
+ministry. Yu sa yu hav doubts about yure talents being enuffly tew make
+a minister; i don't think that ought tew bluff yu oph, for i hav saw
+menny men ov almity mean tallents, who got tew be first rate ministers.</p>
+
+
+
+<p><i>Philander.</i>—Yu ask me which iz the most best, the marrid or the
+single condishun?—Most evry boddy, at sum time in their life, has
+tried the single state; also, moste evry boddy haz hankered after the
+double state, or married condishun. I hav tried both states, and am
+reddy to sware, that if a man kan git a woman who kan fri pancakes on
+both sides without burning them, and dont hanker tew<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span> be a wimmin's
+kommitty, the marrid state iz a heaven and arth, awl tew onst. But
+after awl the married state is a good deal like falling out ov a cherry
+tree, if a person don't happen tew git hurt, it is a good reason for
+not trieing it agin.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XXXIX" id="XXXIX">XXXIX.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">REMARKS.</p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>It is highly important, when a man makes up his minde tew bekum a
+raskall, that he shud examine hisself clusly, and see if he aint
+better konstructed for a phool.</p>
+
+<p>I argy in this way, if a man is right he cant be too radikal, if he is
+rong he kant be too conservatiff.</p>
+
+<p>"Tell the truth, and shame the Devil;" i kno lots ov people, who can
+shame the devil easy enuff but the tother thing bothers them.</p>
+
+<p>If yu don't beleaf in "total depravity," buy a quart ov gin and studdy
+it.</p>
+
+<p>Their is one advantage in a plurality ov wifes; tha fite each other,
+insted ov their hustbands.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>It is a verry delicate job to forgive a man, without lowering him in
+his own estimashun, and yures too.</p>
+
+<p>As a gineral thing, when a woman wares the britches, she has a good
+rite tew them.</p>
+
+<p>I am poor, and I am glad that i am, for i find that wealth makes more
+people mean, than it duz generous.</p>
+
+<p>Woman's inflooense is powerful—espeshila when she wants enny thing.</p>
+
+<p>No man luvs tu git beat, but it is better tew git beat than tew be
+rong.</p>
+
+<p>Awl kind ov bores are a nuisance, but it is better tew be bored with a
+2 inch auger, than a gimblet.</p>
+
+<p>"Be sure yu are rite then go ahed;" but in kase ov doubt go ahed enny
+wa.</p>
+
+<p>Sekts and creeds ov religion, are like pocket com<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span>pesses, good enuff
+tu pinte out the direction, but the nearer the pole yu git the wuss
+tha wurk.</p>
+
+<p>The rode tew Ruin, is alwus kept in good repair, and the travellers
+pay the expense ov it.</p>
+
+<p>If a man begins life bi being fust Lutenant in his familee, he never
+need to look for promoshun.</p>
+
+<p>I hav got as much munny as sum folks, but i hav got as much impudence
+as enny ov them, and that is the next thing tew munny.</p>
+
+<p>It aint often that a man's reputashun outlasts his munny.</p>
+
+<p>Dont mistake arroganse for wisdum; menny people hav thought tha was
+wise, when tha was onla windy.</p>
+
+<p>The man who kant git ahed, without pulling others back, iz a limited
+cuss.</p>
+
+<p>Woman will sumtimes confess her sins, but i never knu one tu confess
+her faults.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Thare is onla one advantage, that i kan see, in going tew the Devil,
+and that is, the rode is easy, and yu are sure tew git thare.</p>
+
+<p>Lastly—i am violently opposed tu arden speerits as a bevridge, but
+for manufaktering purposes, i think a leetle of it tastes good.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XL" id="XL">XL.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">AN ESSA ONTO MUSIK.</p>
+
+
+<div class="cpoem">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">"Musick hath charms to sooth a savage.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To rend a rok or split a kabbage."<br /></span>
+</div></div></div>
+
+
+<p>So tha tell me, but i shud rather try a revolver on the savage, a blast
+ov powder on the rok, and good sharp vinegar on the kabbage. I haint
+searched history tew diskiver who giv the first consert ov musik. We
+are told, that in <i>those days</i> "the stars sang together," but in <i>theze
+days</i> yu kant git stars tew sing together. We often hear it said,
+"that such a person haz a good ear for musik." I don't fellership this
+remark; awl a person wants tew understand musik with, is a good soul;
+a "good ear" haint got enny more tew du with it than a good sett ov
+brains has tu do with charity. Musical crickets insist that if the
+gammut aint rite, the musik aint rite; this is awl nonsense; the gammut
+haint got enny more tew du with a musick-hungry man, than<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> a knife and
+fork has with his dinner, if he is real hungry he can eat with his
+fingers. Musick want got up tew make us wise, but better natured. How
+much opera musick dew you suppose it wud taik tu make a man cry? Folks
+will tell yu that such an "overture fria dabulo" (or sum uther furrin
+big named thing) "waz moste heavenly rendered," tha mite as well tell
+me that a pumpkin pie was heavenly rendered. What do i care about the
+rendering, if i don't git a piece ov the pie? Let some Prime Donner,
+or Mezzer Soapraner, or Barrytown Base, or some sich latin individual,
+cum into this village, and histe their flag, and hav a programmy ov
+singing as long as a sarch warrant, and as hard tu spell out as a
+chinese proklamashun ritten upside down, and taxed seventy-five cents
+for a preserved seat, and moste evrybody will go tu hear it, bekause
+moste everybody else dus, and will sa, evry now and then, (out loud)
+"how bewitching! how delishus! how egstatick!" and nineteen out ov
+evry twenty-one ov them wouldn't kno it if the performance was a
+burlesk on their grandmother. Wouldn't it be fun tew cee one ov these
+opera singers undertake tu rok a baby tu sleep? i gess thare wud be
+two parts carried tu that song about that time. Suppoze yu<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span> shud come
+home at nite, a weary boy, and la yure hed in mother's lap, and she
+shud let out a opera, good Lord! wouldn't yu think yure mother was a
+lunatik, or ought to be one at onst, tu save her karacter. "Korrect
+taist," iz anuther big wurd; ive herd folks uze it whose finger nales
+wanted cleaning. Musik, after all, is sumthing like vittels, the more
+cooking and seasoning we uze, the more we have to hav, till after
+awhile we kant enjoy ennything ov the vittels but the pepper.—Opera
+dont hav enny more loosening affeck on me, than caster ile wud on a
+graven image. I set and gaze, and hark, and cee the whole aujence in
+hirogliphicks, and awl i kan do iz tu git mad that sich stuff is called
+musik. But awl the reasoning in the wurld wont convince menny people
+that tha haint got a rite tew go into fits over an opera tha dont
+understand a word ov; it iz the fashion tew expire and hav their souls
+dissolve in latin at the rate ov seventy-five cents, an it haz got to
+be did, "sink or swim, survive or perish." If enny boddy wants tu go
+and hear a man or woman disgorge musik, that has more kolik than melody
+into it, i suppose (under the constitushun) tha hav jist the same rite
+tew crusifi themselves enny uther wa, for sumbody's else sins that tha
+dont kno the natur of."</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XLI" id="XLI">XLI.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">"MAN WAZ MADE TEW MOURN."</p>
+
+
+<p>This waz the private opinion ov one Burns, a Skotchman, who waz very
+edikated tew poetri from his infansy. I and he differ, which is not
+uncommon among grate minds. The ornary minds in this wurld are disposed
+tew coinside, which iz the reson whi superstitions prevale so mutch.
+Tew differ upon matters with anuther is a fair presumpshun that yu are
+in the habit ov smelling ov things before yu swaller them. Man warnt
+made tew mourn, man waz made tew laff. He iz the onla creeter or thing
+that God made tew laff out loud. It iz tru he knows how to mourn, so
+duz the animills kno how, the birds can tell their sorrows, and the
+flowers kan hang their pretty heds. Man waz made tew smile, tew laff,
+tew haw! tew thro up his hat, and sing halleluger. Man waz made tew
+praze God, and he cant dew it bi mourning. Awl the mourning thare<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span>
+iz in this wurld was introduced bi man; man warnt made tew mourn any
+more than he was made to crawl. Tharfore i sa tew awl men and women,
+stop crying and go tew laffing, yu will last longer, and git fatter
+and stand jist as good a chanse tew git tew heaven with a smile on
+your countenanse, as yu will with yure fase leaking at every pore. I
+sa man want made tew mourn, if he had bin he would not hav bin put in
+Paradise, whare every thing else was made in the image ov smiles.</p>
+
+
+<p>P.S.—I don't want ennybody tew think that i am down on Burns, for i
+dew consider him the most Poet that ever lived. I had ruther be the
+authur ov one poum i kno ov, that he rit, than tew be king and queen ov
+England, and keep a hoss and carriage; but "man warnt made tew mourn"
+Robert Burns, he iz the kause of hiz own sorrow. For enny further
+informashun tutching this subjek, address, post paid, with stamp
+enclosed.</p>
+
+<p class="author">
+<span class="smcap">Josh Billings.</span>
+</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 448px;">
+<img src="images/i_130.jpg" width="448" height="600" alt="Josh Billings wants to know why" />
+<div class="caption">Josh Billings wants to know why it is that so many women
+who are so thin in the face, stick out so everywhere else.—<i>See page
+<a href="#Page_122">122</a>.</i></div>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XLII" id="XLII">XLII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">PROVERBS.</p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>What a sarkasm it is tew a ded man's memory, tew ask "how much munny
+he left?"</p>
+
+<p>I don't like tew be alwus a asking questions, but i would really like
+tu kno whi it is that so manny wimmin who are so thin in the face,
+stick out so every where else!</p>
+
+<p>Tha tell ov an orful sharp feller out west, who broke out ov an alms
+houze and made sixteen hundred and thirty two 75/100 dollars, in the
+substitude bizness, before tha kould ketch him.</p>
+
+<p>The bible asks us, "what will it proffitt a man, if he gain the whole
+world and loze hiz own soul?" i suppose this depends sumwhat upon the
+size ov the soul, i think thare are kases whare the trade would do.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The term "skunked," which we often hear applied tew them that gits
+beat, waz diskovered in this wa: a Radikal and a Conservatiff, went
+out hunting skunks. The Radikal diskovered one at sum distanse off
+and without trieing tew git nearer, drew up his musquet, and shot him
+ded. The Consarvatiff undertook tew ketch his skunk alive, and the
+konsequents waz, he got—skunked.</p>
+
+<p>The old proverb sez, "Giv the Devil his due!" if this is put thru,
+what will bekum ov yu, mi friend? and the rest ov the—nabors?</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XLIII" id="XLIII">XLIII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">KISSING CONSIDERED.</p>
+
+
+<p>"Man was made tew mourn," so warbled Burns, "and woman was made tew
+kiss," so warbles Billings. One ov these centiments haz bin alreddy
+immortalised, and the other i intend shall be as soon as the Legislater
+meets. I am not yet lusid how i shall bring the matter befoar that
+honorabil boddy; but i dew kno how the honorabel boddy feals on the
+subject, and how tha will act if ever tha hav a good chanse. To give a
+fertile and golden opinyun, upon kissing in the lump, and kissing in
+the detale, requires a man ov truth, and sum experiense in tasteing.</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">IN THE LUMP.</p>
+
+<p>Kissing iz one ov those fu things that is easier dun than deskribed;
+in fack, about the onla way<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span> tew deskribe it well is tew do it well.
+It iz, without doubt, a verry anshunt enterprise; and judgeing from
+what we kno ov human natur in this latitude, it must hav struk Adam
+as a good investment when he fust diskovered hiz wife. If Adam didn't
+kiss Eve at sight he aint the man i take him tew be; and if Eve didn't
+relish it, it must hav bin bekause it want well did. Thare iz one thing
+about kissing in the lump, diffrent from the rest ov the fine arts and
+that iz, it don't require enny eddikashun tew dew it; i hav even thort
+that the more unedikated it waz did (provided it didn't miss the mark)
+the more touching it was tew behold. But kissing is a good deal like
+eating; thare is not much fun (when a person iz hungry) in standing by,
+and see it did bi anuther fellow, if it iz did ever so well. It is one
+ov the cheapess and healthyess luxurys ov the season, and don't sho
+enny disposishun tew go out ov fashion, and will keep sweet in enny
+climate. Upon the whole, if yu examine kissing in the lump, clussly,
+yu will be led tew exclaim: Fustly, that it iz as easy tew hav it did,
+az it is handy tew dew it. Sekundly, that it is like Cowpers tea, it
+cures a man without corning him; and, Thirdly, it is a frugal, highly
+consentrated, and reverend luxury.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<p class="center">IN DETALE.</p>
+
+<p>When we cum tew thro oph glittering generalitys and approach our
+subjeck in single file, it is then that the divinitee ov the art
+seems to be spotted; and reveals tew us awl the shades ov pomp and
+sirkumstanze, from the sublime and tender, clear down tew the redikilus
+and tuff. Mother's kiss and little baby's kiss are az pure az the
+utterance ov angells; so is the artless kiss ov sister Mary and—couzin
+Fanny; but thare iz one cold, blu, lean kiss, that alwus makes me
+shiver tew see. Two persons (ov the femail perswashun) who hav witnesst
+a grate menny younger and more pulpy daze, meet in sum publik plase,
+and not having saw each uther for 24 hours tha kiss immegiately; then
+tha talk about the weather, and the young man who preached yesterday,
+and then tha kiss immegiately, and then tha blush and laff at what
+tha sa tew each other, and kiss agin immegiately. I would not objeckt
+tew awl this if it want sich a waste ov swetness on the dessart air.
+I am willing tew be sworn that this kind ov kissing alwus puts me
+in minde ov two olde flints trieing tew strike fire. How different
+this from the konnubial kiss i witnesst<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span> laste nite. I knu he wast a
+husband jist got back from a bizzness tower, bi hiz haste. He passt
+me at the korner below, and awl unexpected enkountered hiz wife, and
+as natral as the bee tew the flower, tha flu together. Thare want
+enny thing sentimental about that kiss; thare want enny thing criminal
+about it. It rang out on the air as clear as the challenge ov a perlice
+offiser—it filled a whole block. Thare want mutch prelimnary about it
+neither, for it smashed a 50 dollar bonnett, and muxed up a barricade
+ov edging and frizzled tucker. It want the fust one, it waz tew well
+did for that. It want the sipping ov two trembling lovers, afraid ov
+the echo; it want studdyed out nor stolen, but it wast full ov honest
+ripeness and chastened struggle which made me hanker for—for, one oph
+from the same peace. Jist one more remark and I am thru. Thare is one
+kind ov kissing that has alwus been deeemd extra hazardous (on akount
+ov fire) and that is kissing yure naber's wife. Gitting the wife's
+consent don't seem tew make the matter enny the less risky.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Moral.</span>—Don't eat onions during the kissing seazon unless yu
+chew them well.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XLIV" id="XLIV">XLIV.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">FOR A FU MINNITS AMUNG THE SPEERITS.</p>
+
+
+<p>Bi invitashun i had the happiness tew attend a speerit cirkle in the
+good old town ov Billingsville last week. A long haired feller bi the
+name of Professer McGuire, with a face that looked like a sucked lemon,
+waz the midwife ov the okasion. It seemed that a Mister Bloodgood
+wanted a dispatch from Miss Jerusha Perkins, who, he claimed, was in
+the speerit land. After the kandel waz subdued and strikt silence
+ensued, sum ov the alfiredest thumps took plase on the tabel; mi hair
+begin tew stan up, and i wished i waz out ov the consarn; but after
+taking an akount ov stock i cum tew the inference that i could knock
+the spots oph from the whole bileing ov them, if it cum to actooal
+bizzness i agreed tew set still and see the whole sport.</p>
+
+<p>In a fu space ov time McGuire begin tew git news<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span> from Jerusha, which
+he ced waz official and waz in the shape ov a letter, and he wud
+translate it as follers:</p>
+
+
+
+<p class="author">
+<i>May 20th</i>, <span class="smcap">Speerit Land</span>, 1846.
+</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Dear Augustus Sidney Bloodgood</i>: Having a fu spare time tew devote
+terestial things, i take mi pen in hand tew rite yu a fu lines. I am
+well, and hope theze fu lines will find yu enjoying the same blessin.
+I hav jist returned from the gardin ov Eden whare i hav bin with Dave
+Sturgiss, who was killed at the battell ov Gettisburg bi gitting
+choked with a pease ov hard tacks. The weather iz fine, and there iz
+evry prospeck ov krops; I never see the potaters look finer. Dri goods
+is cheap here, yu can buy good factory cottin cloth, yard wide, for
+eleven cents a yard and hav thred thrown in. I see the Widder Bostwick
+yesterday, she looks as starched up as ever.</p>
+
+<p>"Would yu beleaf it, dear Augustus, that ugly Miss Snubdin is here,
+how yu used tew hate her! yu kno yu used tew sa that she wud go tew
+that uther land ov speerits. Let me hear from yu oftin thru the dear
+McGuire. Me and anuther speerit bi the name of Julia roost on the same
+celestial tree, and we oftin talk over the fellers we used tu know,
+and yu kan bet high, dear Augustus, that yu are the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span> one that i brag
+on. Don't let enny ov them terestial mortals fool yu with their luv,
+for Jerusha's essence has no affinitee but for her corporeal jewell,
+Augustus Sidney Bloodgood."</p>
+
+<p>At this junkter thare waz 6 raps on the tabel about az fast and loud
+az tho there waz playing kards, and sumboddy about being eukered; then
+awl was still and the kandels waz lit, and evry boddy sot in aw and
+amazement. The sircle broke up immejiately, and i passed out with mi
+frend, who asked me what i thought ov speerit manifestashuns now. I
+told him i thought if evrything waz on the square, that Bloodgood had a
+ded sure thing on Jerush.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XLV" id="XLV">XLV.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">SAYINGS.</p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>A gest is sumthin that is sharp enuff to be notised, and not rude
+enuff tu be resented.</p>
+
+<p>"Solaman was a wize man," but when he ced thar warnt enny thing nu
+under the sun, he hadn't herd ov Hudsin River time tables.</p>
+
+<p>"Large bodys move slo," this ere proverb dont apply tu lies, for the
+bigger tha ar, the faster tha go.</p>
+
+<p>The only wa tu pleze evra boddy, is tu make evry boddy think yu ar a
+bigger fule than tha ar.</p>
+
+<p>Ignorance is ced tu be bliss, this ma be so, I never tried it.</p>
+
+<p>It's just as natral for lawyers tu lie, as it is for a white hared
+yung one's nose tu run.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The man who kan ware a shirt a hole week and keap it klean, aint fit
+for enny thing else.</p>
+
+<p>The more we hav, the more we want, and the more we want, the less we
+hav.</p>
+
+<p>"The law ov nashuns;" iron klad gun botes.</p>
+
+<p>Evra sorrow has its twin joy; the fun of skraching almost pays for
+having the ich.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XLVI" id="XLVI">XLVI.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">JOSH GOES TO LONG BRANCH.</p>
+
+
+<p>"Hum agin! Hum agin! from a forrin shore!" or in uther wurds less
+juicy but equally tru, i hav got back from Long Branche, whither i
+went tew git mi buty and health restored. I waz thare 2 weeks, and
+lost 50 pounds in munny, and gained 10 pounds in meat. i feal like a
+fur tippet. I shall go down nex summer, if mi life iz spared also. I
+made a grate menny nu ackquaintance, that will be hard tew fergit,
+amung which, waz a nu kind of likker, which they kall apple toddy; this
+likker would be an invaluable dockument tew take amung the heathen tew
+convert them; 2 horns ov it would set them crazy—for civilizashun.
+The natur ov the sile or land there iz impregnated with sand, which
+iz adapted tew raisin a dust when the wind bloze, and also iz capabel
+ov produsing, (az i see bi the statisticks ov the state sensus) more
+fleas tew the aker<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span> without the aid ov manure, than iz needed for hum
+consumption. The two prinsipal attrackshuns there iz the air, and the
+water, which are to be had in enny quantity, at a slite advanse from
+fust cost. The men and wimmin go in swimming together which at the
+fust sight looks a leetle risky, but az soon az they git used tew it,
+tha tell me, tha aint afrade ov each other at all. Thare iz 15 taverns
+at Long Branch, and thare iz ground room tew build more ov them, and
+az far az i kno, no man need tew go away without spending awl ov hiz
+munny, if he haz got enny ambishun about him. Thare waz sevral verry
+fashionable wimmin on exhibishun thare, and altho they didn't hav on
+mutch clothes, what they did hav, waz wuth the munny. I also saw sevral
+diamonds thare, which they ced were discovered at little falls, in
+this state, and waz wuth respectfully, from 2, to 5 dollars. One verry
+pleazing feeter waz the fast trotting hosses which belonged tew the
+natives ov the surrounding country, which were brought down in front ov
+the taverns evry day, tew trot for the amuzement, & instruktion, ov the
+guests. The Hosses didn't seem to me tew trot az fast az the drivers
+did, but i dont think enny body ever saw more dust raized, still, if
+hollering out loud iz enny sign that the hosses waz a trot<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span>ting fast,
+then Flory Temple never had any bizness at Long Branch, unless it waz
+for her health. Hoss trotting iz at best a cruel enterprize, but when
+it iz gone into, with slow hosses, and unskillful drivers, it iz about
+az disgusting az the opening ov Rockaway clams, with a shoe-hammer.
+You will find awl the different styles ov docktrine and pollyticks, at
+Long Branche. One feller asked me "if i didn't think that the southern
+confederasy would be recognized before long," and i ced, that the
+southren confederasy had bin <i>recognized</i>, for more than 3 years, bi
+awl sensibel & honest people, az the moste cussidest ov awl things
+cussid. And another feller asked me what i thought ov the doktrine ov
+poligamy. i replied tew him, in a few wurds, that it waz tew mutch
+doktrine, for enny one man tew hav, and dew the subjeck justiss. Az
+good a way az enny tew git tew Long Branch, iz bi the steam Bote Jesser
+Hoyt, and the Delaware Ba ralerode. The cars on this rale rode will put
+enny man in minde ov one ov the cages in which van amburgh's trained
+animels are carried around the kuntry, and az for speed, thare iz but
+one thing on arth slower, and that iz a bread pill. In konclusion,
+Long Branch iz about the onla thing in the state ov Nu Jersee, that
+dont belong tew<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span> the Camptown, and Amboy Ralerode, and ought tew be
+visited as a natral curiosity on that vera akount, if for no uther. The
+prinsipel amuzements ov the plase are pitching cents, and walking a
+mile and a half, back into the kuntry, tew see a liberty pole. Thare iz
+one custom thare that mite be altered, if it couldn't be improved, and
+that iz awl the niggers seem tew hav bin born for the express purpiss
+ov standing around when a guest leaves, with evry feature in their fase
+resembling a 25 cent shinplaster in distress, and even the Landlord's
+look, and act az tho you waz going oph, without paying them awl the
+munny yu had. Visiting Long Branch, in this respeck, iz like going down
+into a marsh, in muskeeter time, awl the inhabitants stick a bill into
+you. Thare iz no ingenuity in this wa ov skinning a man, it iz like
+skinning a cat, a little evry day, tew make it hurt less.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Yours at sight,</span><br />
+<span class="smcap inset">Josh Billings</span>.
+</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XLVII" id="XLVII">XLVII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">TO MY LADY CORRESPONDENTS.</p>
+
+
+<p><i>Cora.</i>—Now yu ask me tew mutch. I kant giv no sartin resippee tew
+make a feller pop the question. Sum men are awful slow on a court, tha
+are like olde houn dogs, all tha want iz to be sure tha are on the rite
+track, and don't seem tew kare if tha don't never cum up with the game.
+If i was a gal, and one ov this kind ov dogs got after me, i wud hole
+rite off, and if he didn't commense tu dig me out at onst, i shud kno
+he waz only hunting for fun.</p>
+
+
+
+<p><i>Rebekar.</i>—I am dredful sorry tew hear yu are a widder. I kno how tu
+pity yu, i haint never bin a widder miself, but i hav bin in a habit
+ov pittying widders, for a grate length ov time. And yu tell me yu are
+a yung widder too, wuss and wusser. If yu find that thare aint nobody
+in yure naberhood who understands pittying yung widders, let me kno at
+onst, and i will see what kan be did for yu.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Flora.</i>—I like yure spirit, yu hav got a soul. Thare aint no diskount
+on to it. Stan yure ground, don't giv an inch the olde man will cum
+to hiz milk bimeby. The idee that yu kant hav a bonnet az good as Sal
+Parker haz got, iz darned likely. If i waz a gal, and mi olde man
+wouldn't go 50 dollars for me a plane bonnet, blame me if i wouldn't go
+into a dekline, spit blood, or hav a pane in the bak, or see a ghost,
+and set and shiver till the olde man cum doun with the bonnet.</p>
+
+
+
+<p><i>Lizzy.</i>—Yu sa yu are sixteen years old, and aint marrid yet. That
+looks a little dusty, but don't dispare, az long az thare iz life
+theres hope. If i hear ov enny boddy looking around for a woman, ill
+let yu kno forthwithly. Send me forty or fifty ov yure fotograffs, tha
+are good things tu skatter around luce. Az i ced in mi last letter i
+kant la doun no rule tu kech a hustband, men kant tell themselves half
+the time what ketched them, awl tha kno iz that tha git keched the
+cussedest evra now and then.</p>
+
+
+
+<p><i>Matilda.</i>—Lap dogs are verry skase jist now prinsipally owing tew
+the skasity ov them. I see one yesterda that was almost heavenly. The
+owner<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span> asked 50 dollars for him, he had sore eys, and the itch, but tha
+tell me that awl lap dogs haz theze trifling komplantes. I saw anuther
+one, which the owner onla asked thirty-five dollars for, he had small
+sized fits, but waz warrented not tew hav more than three fits in enny
+one da. I think this dog iz jist what yu are looking for; i offered
+thirty-seven dollars for him, if the owner wud heave in a vial ov fits
+medisin. He is tew giv me an anser tomorrow.</p>
+
+<p>P. S.—I hav bought the dog and will send him bi xpress. hiz name iz
+Agusty Seazer.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XLVIII" id="XLVIII">XLVIII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">ON WIDDERS.</p>
+
+
+<p>Widders are an interesting studdy. Tha ma be dividid (tew anser our
+purpis,) into 3 classes: <i>The Lone</i>, <i>The Grass</i>, and <i>The Star
+Spangled Banner Widder</i>. The Lone Widder iz ginerally selebrated for
+her piety, she haz passed the middle ov life, she knows she haz got
+gra hairs in her hed, she will tell her age, and talks tenderla ov her
+ded husband. Her grief iz sober, her weeds are rank, if she iz ritch,
+she is charitable, if she is poor, she is humble. She seldum marrys
+the sekund time. Her cheerfulness never bekums gayety, and her sorrow
+never bekums lamentashun. If she has children, she treats them as the
+partners ov her bereavment, if she has none, she bends down tew those
+she meets as she wud tew the arly flower in her pathway. Her hole life
+is a glora tew her sek, and an honour evra da tew him whose good memry
+amung men she perpetuates.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The Grass Widder is marrid without enny husband. She keeps house
+at a hotel, and kalls the servants bi familiar names. She sez that
+her husband is a kurnel in the armee. Her thesis is unkongenial
+tempraments, she kan repeat Don Juan, and hides Boccassio's tales under
+her pillow. If she wud ride out she orders a coach, and a gentleman; if
+she is ritch, she is arrogant, if she is poor, she is brasen. She kalls
+virtue prudery, and sez she wouldn't swop chastity with Dianner. If her
+kurnel is fortunate enuff tew git shot in battle, yu ma meet her and
+hiz Lutenant at Nuport nex summer, marrid—for the season.</p>
+
+<p>The Star Spangled Widder iz yung, ornamental, and—a fule. She marrid
+her husband bekauze hiz name waz Alphonzo, and she mourns for him in
+at least 50 feet ov krape. Her fingers are as jewelled as the hilt ov
+a Spanish dagger. She was eddikated at a fust klass seminare, with a 9
+months' vakashun in it evry year, and talks awl the languages, excep
+english, bravely. She gases on you from beneath her limber eyelashes,
+as pensiv as a wel fed kitten. Yu ma think she wants tew marry, but she
+thinks she onla wants a friend. If she shud snare some old feller, with
+a full puss, she wil make<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span> him a good toddy stik for his beverage. She
+has more chastity than sens, and more vartue than affeckshun.</p>
+
+<p>Upon refleckshun i am disposed tew sa that there iz no condishun that
+a woman iz kalled upon tew fill so delikate, and so diffikult, as the
+widder; a condishun in which the lovlaness ov their naturs kan be made
+tew challenge our respek and admirashun, az alzo, a condishun in which
+their frailties may exsite our abhorrense, and their weakness, our
+disguss—Amen!</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="XLIX" id="XLIX">XLIX.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">THINGS THAT I DON'T HANKER AFTER TO SEE.</p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>A man out at the elbows, and his wife out tew a woman's rites
+convenshun.</p>
+
+<p>A yung lady ov more circumference than the diameter ov her father's
+real estate.</p>
+
+<p>A boy under 15 with over 15 bad habits.</p>
+
+<p>A long bill at the tailor's, that belongs tew a short Bill at the St.
+Nicholas.</p>
+
+<p>A man who haz more hair under his nose than knows under his hair.</p>
+
+<p>A virgin who haz beat 40, afrade ov a rane <i><b>bo</b></i>.</p>
+
+<p>A pollytision leading in prayer.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A man whoze houze wants painting a different culler from hiz noze.</p>
+
+<p>Charitee that evra boddy knowz ov.</p>
+
+<p>A house so divided agin itself, that it dont kno which wa tew fall.</p>
+
+<p>"Augers that won't bore," unless tha kan hav the privilege ov
+splitting.</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 750px;">
+<img src="images/i_155.jpg" width="750" height="488" alt="Josh Billings goes in bathing" />
+<div class="caption">Josh Billings goes in bathing at Long Branch.—<i>See page
+<a href="#Page_133">133</a>.</i></div>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="L" id="L">L.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">ON COURTING.</p>
+
+
+<p>Courting is a luxury, it is sallad, it is ise water, it is a beveridge,
+it is the pla spell ov the soul. The man who has never courted haz
+lived in vain; he haz bin a blind man amung landskapes and waterskapes;
+he has bin a deff man in the land ov hand orgins, and by the side ov
+murmuring canals. Courting iz like 2 little springs ov soft water that
+steal out from under a rock at the fut ov a mountain and run down the
+hill side by side singing and dansing and spatering each uther, eddying
+and frothing and kaskading, now hiding under bank, now full ov sun and
+now full ov shadder, till bimeby tha jine and then tha go slow. I am in
+faver ov long courting; it gives the parties a chance to find out each
+uther's trump kards, it iz good exercise, and is jist as innersent as 2
+merino lambs. Courting iz like strawberries and cream, wants tew be did
+slow, then yu git the flaver.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span> I hav saw folks git ackquainted, fall in
+luv, git marrid, settel down and git tew wurk, in 3 weeks from date.
+This is jist the wa sum folks larn a trade, and akounts for the grate
+number ov almitey mean mechanicks, we hav and the poor jobs tha turn
+out.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps it iz best i shud state sum good advise tew yung men, who are
+about tew court with a final view to matrimony, az it waz. In the fust
+plase, yung man, yu want tew git yure systen awl rite, and then find a
+yung woman who iz willing tew be courted on the square. The nex thing
+is tew find out how old she is, which yu kan dew bi asking her and she
+will sa that she is 19 years old, and this yu will find won't be far
+from out ov the wa. The nex best thing iz tew begin moderate; say onse
+evry nite in the week for the fust six months, increasing the dose as
+the pasheint seems to require it. It is a fust rate wa tew court the
+girl's mother a leetle on the start, for there iz one thing a woman
+never despizes, and that iz, a leettle good courting, if it is dun
+strikly on the square. After the fust year yu will begin to be well
+ackquainted and will begin tew like the bizzness. Thare is one thing I
+alwus advise, and that iz not to swop fotograffs oftener than onse in
+10 daze, unless yu forgit how the gal looks.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Okasionally yu want tew look sorry and draw in yure wind az tho yu had
+pain, this will set the gal tew teazing yu tew find out what ails yu.
+Evening meetings are a good thing tu tend, it will keep yure religgion
+in tune; and then if the gal happens tew be thare, bi acksident, she
+kan ask yu tew go hum with her.</p>
+
+<p>Az a ginral thing i wouldn't brag on uther gals mutch when i waz
+courting, it mite look az tho yu knu tew mutch. If yu will court 3
+years in this wa, awl the time on the square, if yu don't sa it iz a
+leettle the slikest time in yure life, yu kan git measured for a hat
+at my expense, and pa for it. Don't court for munny, nor buty, nor
+relashuns, theze things are jist about az onsartin as the kerosene ile
+refining bissness, liabel tew git out ov repair and bust at enny minnit.</p>
+
+<p>Court a gal for fun, for the luv yu bear her, for the vartue and
+bissness thare is in her; court her for a wife and for a mother, court
+her as yu wud court a farm—for the strength ov the sile and the
+parfeckshun ov the title; court her as tho she want a fule, and yu a
+nuther; court her in the kitchen, in the parlor, over the wash-tub,
+and at the pianner; court this wa, yung man, and if yu don't git a
+good<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span> wife and she don't git a good hustband, the falt won't be in the
+courting.</p>
+
+<p>Yung man, yu kan rely upon Josh Billings, and if yu kant make these
+rules wurk jist send for him and he will sho yu how the thing is did,
+and it shant kost yu a cent.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LI" id="LI">LI.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">REMARKS.</p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>Piety iz a good kind ov dissease for a man tew hav, but when he has so
+mutch ov it that he has tew go behind the door on Sunday to drink his
+whiskee, it will dew tew watch him the rest of the week.</p>
+
+<p>Menny think tha luv their husbands almost tew deth, when in fack, tha
+are only jealous ov them.</p>
+
+<p>Thoze familys who are really fust class, never are afraid that tha
+shall git cheated out ov their respektability, while the codfish
+familys are alwus nervous lest tha mite.</p>
+
+<p>The onla sure resipee tew govern mankind with, iz the rod; yu ma
+festoon it with flowers and case it with velvet, if yu pleze, but it
+iz the rod, after all, that duz the bizzness.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I kant conseive a more despikable opjek than a proud and arrogant man;
+he makes me think ov an old Tom Turkey trieing tew git mad at a red
+flannel pettycoat on a clothes line.</p>
+
+<p>It iz not onla highly natral tew luv the femail sek, but 'tis highly
+pleasant.</p>
+
+<p>Verry few people enjoy munny, bekauze tha kant git enuff ov it.</p>
+
+<p>We are told that a contented man is happy, and we mite hav bin told,
+at the same, that a mudturkle could fly if it onla had wings.</p>
+
+<p>It wont dew tew stir up a man when he is thinking, enny more than it
+will a pan ov milk when the cream is rising.</p>
+
+<p>Thare is one time when awl men are comparitiffly pure, and that is
+when tha are in luv.</p>
+
+<p>Humbolt was a man ov verry high attainments.</p>
+
+<p>It iz eazy enuff tew raize the devil, but he iz a hard crop tew reap.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>It appears tew me that a poor story iz a good deal like a grist, the
+oftner it iz told, the less thare iz ov it; but then, perhaps, i am
+mistaken.</p>
+
+<p>I hav bin told that <i>swine Lager</i> iz the Dutch for root beer.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LII" id="LII">LII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">THE FAULT-FINDER.</p>
+
+
+<p>Good Lord, deliver us from the Falt finder, one ov yure kronick
+grunters, i mean. Theze kind ov humin critters are alwuss full ov self
+consait; if tha waz humble and wud dam themself okasionally, i wud try
+tew pity them. Yure falt-finding old bachelor, for instanze, odars a
+pair ov No. 8 boots, and then kolides with his shumaker insted ov his
+big feet; he walks tew the depo tew saive hack-hire and misses the
+trane, and then kolides with the time-table; he kourts a gal till she
+has tew marry sumboddy else tew keep from spileing, and then he don't
+believe thare is a vartuous woman living. If he enjoys ennything he dus
+it under protess, and if ennyboddy else enjoys ennything he knows tha
+lie about it. He is like a seckund rate bull tarrier, alwus a fiteing,
+and alwus gitting licked. These kind ov critters never are reddy tew
+die, bekause tha haint never begun<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span> tew live. I never maik their
+ackquaintanse enny more than i dew sumboddy's small pox, bekause i am a
+looking after bright things and haint got enny to lose. Thare aint enny
+remedee for this dissease but hunger, and that aint parmanent unless it
+results in starvashun. Good Lord, deliver us from the falt-finder! if
+yu undertake tew argy with them yu onla flatter them, and if yu jine in
+with them yu onla maik them mad with themselfs.</p>
+
+<p>I had rather be a target for awl the bad luk in this wurld than tew
+go thru life shuteing a pizen arrow at awl the good luk. The more i
+think ov it, the more i keep thinking that falt-finding iz verry much
+like bobing for eels with a raw potater; a fust rate wa tew git out ov
+consait ov awl kinds ov fishing, and a fust rate wa not tew ketch enny
+eels.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LIII" id="LIII">LIII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">PROVERBS.</p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>Chastity iz like an isikel. if it onse melts that's the last ov it.</p>
+
+<p>Dew a good turn whenever yu kan even if yu hav tew turn sumboddy's
+grinstun tu dew it.</p>
+
+<p>When a man dies the fust thing we talk about iz hiz welth, the nex
+thing hiz failings, and the last thing hiz vartues.</p>
+
+<p>I suppose the "bone of contenshun" iz the collar bone.</p>
+
+<p>An ungrateful childe is the revenge of Heaven.</p>
+
+<p>After awl ced and dun the gran sekret of winning is tew win.</p>
+
+<p>The studdy ov humin natur is a good deal like<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span> the studdy ov
+dessekshun, yu finde out a good menny curis things, but it is a nasty
+job after awl.</p>
+
+<p>When a man's dog deserts him on akount ov his poverty, he kant git
+enny lower down in this world, not bi land.</p>
+
+<p>Sekrets maik a dungin of the harte, and a jailor ov its owner.</p>
+
+<p>Don't let us forgit that the higher up we git the smaller will things
+look tew us here belo.</p>
+
+<p>Natur haz no artifise, she plants her flowers in the gardin and in the
+wilderness, and endows them alike.</p>
+
+<p>It iz tru that welth won't maik a man vartuous, but i notis thare
+ain't ennyboddy who wants tew be poor jist for the purpiss ov being
+good.</p>
+
+<p>Luv iz like the meazels, we kant alwus tell when we ketched it and
+ain't ap tew hav it severe but onst, and then it ain't kounted mutch
+unless it strikes inly.</p>
+
+<p>Tew be a suckcessful pollytysian, a man shud be butterd on both sides
+and then keep awa from the fire.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LIV" id="LIV">LIV.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">KOLIDING.</p>
+
+
+<p>The wurd "kolide," used bi ralerode men, haz an indefinit meaning tew
+menny folks. Thru the kindness of a nere and dear frend, i am able tew
+translate the wurd so that enny man ken understand it at onst. The
+term "kolide" is used tew explain the sarkumstanse ov 2 trains ov cars
+triing tew pass each uther on a single trak. It is ced that it never
+yet haz bin did suckcessfully, hence a "kolide."</p>
+
+<p class="author">
+<span class="smcap">Josh Billings.</span>
+</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LV" id="LV">LV.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">ON SNAIKS AND MUDTURKLES.</p>
+
+
+<p>I divide snaiks into one class, to wit, the devilish:</p>
+
+<p>They are ov much antiquity, having appeared about the same time that
+Adam did. The exact purpis for which tha was built hain't been explored
+yet; but one thing is sartin, tha are quite slippery and eazy to bend.
+Tha travel on thair bellys, and go down hill the moste eazyest; this is
+owing tew the fack that tha hain't got enny good rigging tew hold back
+with.</p>
+
+<p>Snaix have but few warm friends, altho thare is folks who flatter them;
+sich persons ought tew be obliged to ware a pair ov them for a cravat.
+Thare is but one thing that makes me more horrible than a striped
+snaik, and that is a big black one jest sliding away from the place
+whare I was going tew sit down on the grass.</p>
+
+<p>We are told that Eve waz sedused bi a snaik, i don' beleave thare is
+a woman living now, in theze parts, that it could be did tew without
+spileing the snaik. I hav bin in the habit, ov late years, ov<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span> sedusing
+snaiks miself evvry chanse i could git; i ginerally dew it bi gitting
+them tew put their heds under a stone, and then i cruelly desert them;
+sich is life.</p>
+
+<p>Snaiks are amphibicus and thoze which dwell in the water are called
+eels. Tha are ov awl cullers, and sum are pizen tew behold; amung theze
+are the koperheds, but tha never bite enny ov their own folks. Snaiks
+hav got a big appertite, akordin tew their size; i hav saw them no
+thicker than your finger, with 4 inches wide ov toad in them, tha stuck
+out like 2 quarts ov milk that had got into a young pup bi acksident.</p>
+
+<p>The largest snaik in the wurld iz kept at Newport, he iz owned bi the
+landlords, he never haz bin shown tew but one person tew a time, and
+then he is generally 110 feet long; thousands go thare tew see him
+summers, and pay 3 dollars a da for board and 2 dollars a week tew the
+servants for something tew eat.</p>
+
+<p>I beleave a snaik never dies onla bi mistake, and never ventures out
+mutch in the winter when the travling iz bad, and lays eggs like a
+small hen, but don't set on them bekauze tha hain't got enny more heat
+in their body than a ramrod haz.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Almoste evry humin being haz got a nateral appertite agin snaix, and
+i will bet, if you shud put a striped snaik in a 10 aker lot, whare
+there was 27 wimmin picking strawberries, and holler out, "striped
+snaik! striped snaik!" evry woman would skream, and go to feeling rite
+oph for the snaik. It is ced that snaik ile applied to the back ov a
+man's neck, will cure him from lieing. This is wuth trieing, even if
+it wont wurk, but mi individoal presentiment iz, that when the lieing
+disease gits familiar with a man, deth alone will put an eend to his
+sufferings. But I dont want it understood that I am agin snaik ile, for
+this one reason if no other, the more snaik ile there is in the market,
+the less snaiks.</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">MUDTURKLES.</p>
+
+<p>Mudturkles liv in a shell, which tha git verry mutch attached to.
+Tha are not fond ov company, and seldom receive visitors in their
+houses. Their food consists prinsipally of what they eat, which tha
+find wharever tha kan git it. Their style iz haf land, and haf water,
+and tha are at home on the banks or at the bottom ov a kanal. Tha
+hav sum eggs, which tha lay in sum warm sand, and ginerally hav them
+hatched out tew the halves. Tha belong tew the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span> class known az "close
+korporashuns," and are a hard animil tew whip, bekause tha alwus fite
+under cover. The mudturkle kant climb very well, and therefore seldum
+iz found up a tree. Tha are verry tuff ov life, and will outlive an
+injun rubber shoe, and don't seem tew gro old enny faster than a paving
+stone duz. Tha kan be domestikated without enny trubble; awl yu hav
+tew dew, iz tew put them into a barrel, and tha aint ap tew stray off
+far. Mudturkles hav their faults, but tha won't lie, nor drink rum, nor
+chaw terbacker, and tho tha cant trot as fast az sum hosses kan, thare
+sure tew git tew whare tha go tew, and never brake down on the rode.
+I take a deep interest in moste awl the animils, and particularly in
+mudturkles, and i dew hope that the Legislature in their wisdum won't
+pass a law "prohibiting enny more mudturkles." I regret tew hear,
+that in sum parts ov the kuntry, the people are in the habit of using
+mudturkles tew pitch quoits with, but I think this wants an affidavy
+with a revenew stamp onto it.</p>
+
+<p>In theze mi remarks about snaix and mudturkles i hav tried hard tew
+tell the truth, but if i hav failed, it is owing tew the grate skasity
+ov truth in theze days.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LVI" id="LVI">LVI.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">TRUE BILLS.</p>
+
+
+<p>Tru dignity is the effeck ov the conscious possession ov ability and
+vartue. False dignity is the effeck ov nu clothes, no branes and mutch
+vittles.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Tru currage is the knowledge ov right and the determination tew dew it.
+False currage is a willingness tew dew what is rong bekauze others sa
+it iz right.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Tru religgun iz tew fear God, love man and hate the devil. False
+religgun iz tew hate God, fear man and luv the devil.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>True faith is a parfeck trust in what we are satisfied iz truth. False
+faith is a craziness tew beleave, simpla bekauze we kant understand.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<p>Tru liberta is the possession ov our own rights and due respek for the
+rights ov uthers. False liberta iz a desire tew possess uther's rights
+and no respek for our own.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Tru wisdum iz a plenta ov experiense, observashun and reflekshun. False
+wisdom iz a plenta ov ignorance, arogance and impudence.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LVII" id="LVII">LVII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">NARRATIF.</p>
+
+
+<p>"Wunce as I was travling thru tioga keounty, a peddlin, selebrated
+pills," I was akosted by a individual whose dress indikated, that he
+was in the kolporter bisness. We met, and stopped smoltaneously, as
+it war; we looked into each others phases, sarching as it war, for
+a linamont, a oasus, that we nu, or had hearn tell of, but the trak
+pedlar, and pill pedlar, had evidently met for the first time on
+arth. The dela that was thus instituted, giv me a margin for a clus
+communion with the kolporturs feturs, and stile of habiliment, and tru
+to natur, tuk the chance—he was about 59 years old, was very lite in
+the karkass, and wore his close very much as a methodis dus, and had
+one of them kountenances that Moses was celebrated for. I felt at the
+first site, that he wud do tu ti to. He komensed as follers:—"Wafarin
+man, monament of sparin mersa, du yu feel as tho yu had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span> enny intrest
+in yurself, hev yu ever been tried by the fire that takes awa the
+spiritoal dross, and had yur soal a flutterin agin the ribbid prisin
+bars of yur body, like a kaged song bird of heavin? If yu haint, read
+and peroose this trak; the ile that it kontains, will permoate thru the
+resesses of yur hart, like the quicksilver of luv, and lukrubrate the
+loose roaling stuns, that ly in yur jordanick pathwa." As he cum to a
+stop, he bent on tu me one of those meller looks, that a tom kat gives
+tu the mouse, as it lays pantin afore him, with a skin full of broken
+bones, and a reachin around, he pulled from his sadle bags, a trak of
+four pages, and give it tu me, with (if I ma be aloud the expresshun)
+a angelik tenderness, and as he did so, he karlessly tuk a look at my
+hoss, who stood quietly in the harness, a restin wun of his hine fete.
+I thanked him, and sed I wud peroose the trak, an hoped to find the
+ile, and silver, he spoak of. Not tu be bete in generosity, I opened
+the lid of mi waggin, and selekted a box of pills, with a full kount,
+and arisin from mi sete, I kommenced as follers, "respected kolportur,
+allou me tu disiprookate, by plasin at yur disposal a full kount box,
+of the selebrated antydiluvion pills, begot by Josh Billings (late of
+this tioga keounty,) who now stans<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span> befoor yu. These pills are friendla
+tu the innards of enny man, are holy made of rootes, are as saif tu
+take as a fotograph, and at the same time, are as thoro as a sarch
+warrant, there ar 26 ov them in a box, an tha sel, with a ful size fax
+similer of the author on the lid ov the box. He tuk the antydiluvions,
+and summed up as follers, "docter Billings, the perfeshun which you hav
+chose, is wone ov the most anshient as wel as wone of the most humain,
+it speaks volumes in yur praze, and as i winde mi wa on errants of
+soal mersa, upon mi noble hoss (whose only falt, or rather misfortin
+is a paneful saddil gaul,) swete gushes of jowus thout will wel up
+from mi happer harte, that praps our auspicious meeting tu da ma bee
+the menes of awakin in yu, a arnest kry what shal i du tu bee saved."
+At the kloze ov this speach, i wud have bin willin tu bet a Box of
+antydiluvions agin a 10 rowed papir of solid headed pins, that the
+kolporter was nasty on a hoss swap, and i kum tu the konklusion that i
+wud just feal of his stile in that wa. Pretendin tu hav just notised
+his hoss i went inter fits over the diskivery, and soon found i had
+struc a lead, for the star spangle bannor, never had at one time enny
+more sed in its praze, than the kolporter let of in favor ov his old
+hoss. Not edzack<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span>ly disposed tu swaller, without stirrin, all he sed,
+i thout i wud look the kritter over, and; jumpin out ov my waggin,
+fur that purpis, soon found out that the trak pedler was after Jonas,
+insted of me. After i had got the full size of the sarkumstanses in the
+kase, i kum tu one of the brisk konklusions that the Billings family
+are subject tu, by hintin in oktave, "that the kolporter was a dam
+hiperkrit, and his spavined hoss a dam old pelter." This suddint bust
+of centiment on mi part, awoke the sleapin pieta of the trak pedlar,
+and he at wunst tuk me tu do for swarin. After i had told him, that his
+prain and my swarin, was oph of the same peace, an neather ov us ment
+any thing we sed, we parted,—the kolporter to save soals, and swap
+hosses, and Josh Billings tu sell, for 25 sents a box, the antidiluvion
+pills, as saif as rute beer, and as sartin as the bight ov a mogasin."</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LVIII" id="LVIII">LVIII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">PHOTOGRAPHS.</p>
+
+
+<p>Enclosed yu will be pleazed tew find my fotograff, taken from life, on
+the spot, whare the circumstanze occurred. I take the liberta tew send
+yu the picter, for the 7 different ensuing reasons: 1—Photograffs are
+gitting skase. 2—If you should ever meet me by mistake, yu wud be able
+to kno me rite oph, bi asking me if I resembled the pictur. 3—I am a
+marrid man, and am the author ov a familee, and therefore the danger ov
+any femail fallin in luv with me, bi cuming in contak with the picter,
+will be painfully redused. 4—It iz better that 99 humbly cusses should
+eskape, than that one decent looking man should suffer bi not having
+hiz fotograff taken. 5—A grate menny folks, jist now at this time,
+are troubled with a literature on the brane. This pictur will put yu
+in clus communion with a man who haz had this diseaze, but who haz so
+far rekovered, that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span> he iz able to sit up and laff at others, who are
+trieing to ketch the same disorder. 6—I resembel this pictur, and that
+ken be ced ov so few things in this wurld, that i thought noboddy would
+git mad and call me a verry d—n fule, for sirkulating the pictur.
+7—The artiss said I was hard tew take, and this pictur was a triumph
+ov the art; he alzo added that some ware so eazy tew take that it was
+actooally dangerous tew leave ennything in their reach. These reasons
+must be mi excuse for sending yu my pictur; if it don't look as yu
+expekted i did, jist let me kno, and i will have one taken that duz.
+Verry highly i remane yures,</p>
+
+<p class="author">
+<span class="smcap">Josh Billings.</span>
+</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 750px;">
+<img src="images/i_181.jpg" width="750" height="515" alt="Josh Billings having stopped to kiss the baby" />
+<div class="caption">Josh Billings having stopped to kiss the baby once more,
+arrives at the depot just too late to catch the Express train (?)—<i>See
+page <a href="#Page_156">156</a>.</i></div>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LIX" id="LIX">LIX.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">AFFERISIMS.</p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>I suppoze the reazon why wimmin are so fast talkers, is bekause tha
+dont hav tew stop tew spit on their hands.</p>
+
+<p>After Joseph's bretheren had beat him out ov hiz cut ov menny cullers,
+what did tha dew nex? Tha pittied him!</p>
+
+<p>Thare is nothing in this life that will open the pores ov a man so
+mutch, as tew fall in luv, it makes him fluent as a tin whissell, as
+limber as a boy's watch chain, and as perlite as a dansing master; his
+harte is as full ov sunshine as a hay field, and there aint any more
+guile in him than there is in a stik ov merlasses candy.</p>
+
+<p>Thare dont seem tew be enny end tew the ambish<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span>un ov men, but thare
+is one thing that sum ov them will find out if tha ever dew get tew
+heaven, and that is tha cant git enny further.</p>
+
+<p>He who kan hold awl he gits, kan most generally git more.</p>
+
+<p>Conshense, is onla another name for truth.</p>
+
+<p>Yu kant alwus tell a gentleman by his clothes, but yu kan bi his
+finger nails.</p>
+
+<p>Adam invented "<i>Luv at first sight</i>," one ov the gratest laber saving
+masheens the world ever saw.</p>
+
+<p>It is a grave question whether, in curtailing super-fluitys in these
+hard times, we have a moral right tew cut oph a dorg's tale tew save
+the expense ov boarding it.</p>
+
+<p>Are Greenbacks a lawful tender? If yu dont believe it tri one on me,
+espeshila one ov the heavy ones.</p>
+
+<p>Dont never parade yure good luck, nor yure bad<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span> luck before men, the
+first will make them think less ov <i>yu</i>, and the second will make them
+think more of <i>themselves</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Thare are a grate multitude ov individuals who are like blind mules,
+anxious enough to kick, but kant tell whare.</p>
+
+<p>I hav herd a grate deal ced about "<i>broken hartes</i>," and thare may be
+a fu ov them, but mi experiense is that nex tew the gizzard, the harte
+is the tuffest peace ov meat in the whole critter.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LX" id="LX">LX.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">JOSH GITS ORFULLY BIT.</p>
+
+
+<div class="cpoem">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">I du consider musketers,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The moste pesky, ov all God's creeters.<br /></span>
+</div></div></div>
+
+
+
+<p>I hav finally ketched it. I hav bin like a lam led sudden tu the
+slauter and had mi blood sucked out ov me, az though it waz only sweet
+sider, and belonged tu sumbody else. I am a man ov peace, but low, and
+behold! there aint a peace in me now, but what iz bit, punkterd, and
+tore.</p>
+
+<div class="cpoem">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">When muskeeters whisper in yure ear,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The devils angels are hovring near.<br /></span>
+</div></div></div>
+
+
+<p>I retired laste nite tu rest, at the usual time; on the north side ov
+me, and about 2 feet adjacent, waz the side ov the hous, on the south
+side ov me, and about 2 feet adjacent la mi wife. I dropt tu sleep,
+az a snoflake dus on the buzzum ov a silvery Lake, (i<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span> have a faint
+idee that this laste sentense, for lovlaness, kant be beat, handy.) I
+dreamed a good-sized, hot dream.</p>
+
+<div class="cpoem">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">It felt like the breth ov a kanada Thissell,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A round mi hed, a triing tu Whissell.<br /></span>
+</div></div></div>
+
+
+<p>
+Suddenly i awoke.
+</p>
+
+<p>The room waz full ov yels, and skreams. responsiv I dashed wildly
+akross the room, ackompanied by mi shirt tale. i lit a lite. I harked,
+one ov mi moste reliable harks. Awl waz still; still az a crows nest,
+in the ded ov winter. I gazed a gaze, az tho i waz triing tu thread the
+rong end ov a kambrik needle. Awa in the distance, solitara, and alone,
+clus up tu the ceiling, chawing hiz cud, sot a little grey cuss. I
+dipped a koars towel into a basen ov water, and rung it out, i krept up
+under the little grey cuss, i tuk aim, and fired,</p>
+
+<div class="cpoem">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">And hit the spot,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Whare the little grey cuss had sot.<br /></span>
+</div></div></div>
+
+
+<p>Awl waz still again. I onlighted the kandle, and saught mi kouch.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXI" id="LXI">LXI.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">THINGS THAT SUIT ME.</p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>I like an aimabel man, (not one who will let yu spit on him,) but one
+who don't want tew spit on enny boddy else.</p>
+
+<p>I like a stirring man, (not one who stirs up musses,) but one who haz
+got sumthing tew dew and duz it.</p>
+
+<p>I like a good looking man, (not a pretty man), but one who looks
+well—into things, one whom yu can't phule with a mare's nest, unless
+he sees the old mare on it.</p>
+
+<p>I like a gritty man, (not a dirty one), but one that pitches in like a
+frog oph from a saw log, no matter how deep the water iz.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I like a fass hoss, (one that goes fass bekauze he luvs tew), sich a
+critter iz half human; he never ought to be hitched tew a plough, he
+ought tew be took out ov hiz stable az a wild pigeon had out of hiz
+cage, and let him—go.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>I like a rat tarrier with hiz hair awl combed forward, hiz eyes on
+fire, hiz tale straight out stiff, evry muscle alive, and the entire
+dorg only 3 feet off from a rat hole.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>I like a woman, (handsum if it iz convenient,) with more wisdum than
+larning, chaste, but not frozen, soft, but not silly, and fond, but not
+fussy, sich wimmin are skase, and are going tew be skaser.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>I like religion, (the kind that wurks 6 days and rests on the 7,) which
+acks on a man's soul, az congriss water duz on hiz boddy, phesicks him
+well, but dont make him enny weaker.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>I like good order—good morals—good frends—and awl things well dun,
+except beefsteak, and that I want rare dun.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXII" id="LXII">LXII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">MY FUST GONG.</p>
+
+
+<p>I never kan eradicate holy from mi memry the sound ov the first gong I
+ever herd—i was setting on the frunt stupe ov a tavern in the sitty
+ov Bufferlo, pensively a smokin. The sun was a goin tu bed, and the
+heavens fur and nere was blushing at the purformanse. The Eri kanall
+with its goldin waters was on its windin wa tu albany, and i was
+perusin the line botes, a flotin by, and thinkin ov Italy, (whare i
+used tu live,) and her gondolers, and gallus wimmin. Mi entire sole
+was, as it ware in a swet, i wanted tu climb, i felt grate, i aktually
+grew. Thar ar things in this life tu big tu be trifled with, thar ar
+times when a man brakes luce from hisself, when he sees speerits, when
+he kan almost tuch the moon, and feels as tho he kud fill both hands
+with the stars ov heavin and almost sware he was a bank president.
+Thats what ailed me. But the korse ov tru luv never did run<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span> smoove,
+(this iz Shakesperes opinion too, i and he often think thru one quill)
+just az i was duing my best, ... dummer, dummer, spat, bang, beller,
+crash, roar, ram, dummer, dummer, whang, rip, rare, rally, dummer,
+dummer, dummer dum, ... with one tremenjis jump, i struck the senter
+ov the side walk, with anuther i kleared the gutter and with anuther,
+i stud in the middle ov the strets snorting like a injin poney, at a
+band ov musik; i gazed in wilde dispare at the tavern stand, mi harte
+swelled up as big as an out door oven, mi teeth were as luce as a
+string ov prairy beads. I thout all the crokery in the tavern stand had
+fell down, i thout ov fenomenoms, i thought ov gabrel and his horn. i
+was just on the pint ov thinking ov sumthing else when the landlord
+cum out to the frunt stupe ov the tavern stand holding by a string the
+bottom ov an old brass kittle. He called me gentla with his hand i went
+slola and sadla tu him, he calmed mi feres, he ced it was a gong; i saw
+the cussed thing, he ced supper was reddy, he axed me if i would hav
+black or green tea and i ced i would.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXIII" id="LXIII">LXIII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">PROVERBS.</p>
+
+
+<p>Up-and-down men are skase, but the horizontal are less skaser.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Thare iz sum disseazes that kant be kured even bi deth, for we oftin
+see them brake out on a man's tombstun more violent than ever.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>The <i>burden</i> ov menny ov the songs that are ritten iz the song itself.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Thare iz no better kompliment tew vartue than this: "That Vise alwus
+konkocts her grate plans in the naim ov vartue."</p>
+
+
+
+<p>The tempel ov Fame iz lokated on an exceeding hi mountin, and yu hav
+got tew fli or kreep tew git tew it. (N. B. This provarb haz bin ced
+before, and ain't one ov mine, but it iz jiss as tru as tho it was.)</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<p>Buty iz a short suckcess, but while it lastes it iz quite pretty.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>"The <i>flour</i> ov the familee," iz, alas! quite oftin a little injun.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>If innersense iz onla the result ov ignoranse, it ain't enny more one
+ov the vartues than buty iz; but if it iz the effek ov eddikashun it iz
+the queen ov the vartues.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Vartue needs awl the enemys she haz got, tew keep her tools bright and
+in order.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>I never beleaved mutch in <i>spirits</i> unless tha kum direk from Jamaka,
+and then onla in small-sized ones.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>"Absense ov mind;" about 2 thirds ov the humin rase are trubbled with
+this kalamitee.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>It taiks 2 tew maik a bargin; it ought tew taik 2 tew brake it.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Yu ma differ as mutch as yu plese about the stile ov a yung lady's
+figger, but i tell yu konfidenshally,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span> if she has got $40,000, the
+figger is about as near rite as yu wil git it.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>"Glory enuff for one day;" attending a kamp meeting.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Goldsmith sez, "Larn the luxury ov dewing good;" but the luxury, now a
+daze, consiss in larning how tew du a leetle better.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>I often hear affekshunate husbands kall their wifes "Mi Duck," i wunder
+if this ain't a sli delusion tew their big bills?</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXIV" id="LXIV">LXIV.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">DISIPLIN IZ EVRATHING—IN 2 PARTS.</p>
+
+
+<p><i>Part Fust</i>—I dont suppoze thare is enny dout about this assershun.
+A man who haint got propper disiplin, iz jist about ov az mutch uze
+tew hiz fellow critters az a wether cock wud be amung a parcil ov
+barnyard pulletts. Injuns haint got enny disciplin, and, konsequentla,
+the more injuns a man had tew run a kotton faktory with, the wus he
+wud be oph. Turning a grinstone iz fust rate disiplin. If a man ov
+ornary mind haint got disiplin, he bekums a lofer the fust good chanse
+he gits. Thare haz bin, perhaps, a fu individoals born into the world
+that did'nt want mutch disiplin—Homer, and Virgil, and Shakesper,
+and sich like, if tha had bin sot to turning a grinstone it mite hav
+spilt them—tha waz like Eagles, made tu fli without enny praktis.
+Disiplin iz evrathing. The thurer bred Hoss wants the smoothe bit ov
+disiplin—the mule wants the sled-stake disiplin.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Part Seckunt.</i>—Majer Spenser had leaf ov abscense from his regiment,
+and was glad enuff, i tell yu, tew swap the pesky air ov the suthern
+konfederasy for the brittle breth ov Nu England. He spent his time a
+climeing the mountains ov his natiff land, and looking way down into
+the hollers; he worryed the trouts as tha swum up and down hill in the
+brooks, and he gethered penroyal for his good old Ma tu hang up in
+the wood hous chamber, tew make arb tea ov next winter. Majer Spenser
+had a brother who was a minister ov the gospil, and the Majer boarded
+with him. One Sunda nite the minister and the Majer sot kommuning
+together. The moon cum up out ov the East, as big as an old fashund
+kart wheel (one ov the ox kind ov kart wheels, i mean,) the stars stuk
+clean out ov the ski, and the air was filled with the musick ov the
+cows a chawing their cuds in the distance. All natur la undisturbed.
+"Brother," ced Parson, a braking the paws, "how did yu like divine
+sarvice to-day?" "Very well, sir, very well, sir," ced the Majer,
+"<i>if that dam deakin ov yurs hadn't refused to pra when yu asked him.
+Disiplin, sir, disiplin iz evry thing.</i>"</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXV" id="LXV">LXV.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">CORRESPONDENTS.</p>
+
+
+<p><i>Olivia</i>—I never have visited the Mormons, but my friend Artemus Ward
+has, and he tells me they are a healthy people, and fond ov femail
+society. He says they hav more religion, akordin to their populashun,
+than tha kno what to dew with. They marry young and often. The
+produkshun ov the country iz Mormons. They beleaf in a hereafter, but
+it iz genrally a hereafter of wimmin. They are fond ov amusements, sich
+az pitching cents and sliding down hill.</p>
+
+<p><i>Scipio</i>—If I had the dyspepsy I would buy me a hard trotting hoss
+(off from the kanawl,) and ride him bare back 40 miles a day for a
+spase ov time. If that didn't seem tew influense me, I would soke in
+cold water for 12 months. If that didn't seem tew influense me, I
+would issue proposals tew the lowest bidder to be fed for one year on
+bran bred and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span> slippery elm tea. If that didn't seem tew influense
+me, I would sell my house and lot, and invest the proceeds in pattent
+medisin, and take the whole lot in rotashun. If that didn't seem tew
+influense me, I would cum tew the konklusion that I had the water
+brash, or some other thing, I didn't care which, and take a job ov
+thrashing out wet rye for evry tenth bushel, and git—well.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clarence</i>—We never undertake tew return rejekted manuskrip. The fact
+iz, we don't read more than half we reject. It iz a way we hav got.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matty</i>—It iz very natral that you should ask me in what manner you
+should reseave the proposal from your lover. It iz sumthing ov a trick
+tew dew it nice. You don't ought tew jump into the collar suddin, nor
+fly back suddin, like a bocky hoss, but yu ought tew take it kind,
+looking down hill, with an expreshun, about half tickled and half
+scart. After the pop iz over, if your luvver wants tew kiss you, I dont
+think I would say yes or no, but let the thing kind ov take its own
+course. There iz one thing I hav alwus stuck tew, and that iz, give me
+long courtships and engagements.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Stujent</i>—We never furnish ortograffs in less quantity than bi the
+package. It iz a bizness that grate men hav got into, but it dont strik
+us az being profitable nor amuzing. We furnished a near and very dear
+friend our ortograff a few years ago, for 90 days, and it got into the
+hands ov one of the banks, and it kost us $275 tew get it back. We went
+out of the bizzness then, and have not hankered for it sinse.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXVI" id="LXVI">LXVI.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">JOSH BILLINGS AT SARATOGA SPRINGS.</p>
+
+
+<p>It will probely fill you with an arnest solisitude for mi fate, az it
+dus me with emoshuns of stupenjus grander, tu find miself at this grate
+modern Siloam, this august whirlpool ov wine, wimmin and hosses; this
+fairy sceen ov poetry, dreams, and natural fisick. Upon mi arival,
+i took immegiate rooms at the tavern called the "<i>Union</i> now and
+forever," and commensed at onst tu kreate a sensashun—"Dignatum hok
+hanimum disisimo." This centiment is from the Chocktaw ov Raphael, and
+is one ov mi faverite quotashuns.</p>
+
+<p>The town is about haf full ov folks, menny of them hav been highly
+renowned. I kould name them personaly by name, but this wud look like
+affekshun in me, az tha hav alreddy sent in their kard, and begged the
+privilege ov kalling on me, at mi moste soonest spare time. It will
+be impossible for me,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span> my amiable friends, tu give yu ennything like
+a well digested orashun, ov the eckstatick wonders that hover around
+me, among which i am permitted tu menshun the pensiv modesta ov the
+unmarried; the gushing rapture ov the married; the shadowy tenderness
+ov the widders, and the universal fisick that fills up the pauzes.
+Theze are subjecks which hav bin writ onto so much that all the good
+things haz bin said.</p>
+
+<p>It iz a source ov grate pride tu see so menny here from youre citty,
+and what fills me with gratitude tu an overruling Providence, iz the
+fac that their festiv naturs develop into such lovelyness here; thare
+iz dekon L——, and Elder P——, for instanze, with whom i take a drink
+evry time tha ask me. I think now that i shall remain here for sevral
+years. I am allmost sorry i didn't bring mi jewelry trunk with me; i'll
+bet i could hav sold a thousand Dollars worth a da, ov brest pins. It
+iz a fust rate place here tu buy hosses cheap. i waz offered 2 carriage
+hosses for onla 25 hundred dollars; i shud hav tuk them, but i couldn't
+hire enny boddy tu take them hum for me. There iz a grate menny here
+who talk with a forrin tung. I am trieing it. My wife laffs at me, and
+kalls me "her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span> dark komplekted one!"—Tha hav got here alreddy tu or
+three billyard tabils in suckcessful operrashun, and i am told that, if
+pease iz declared, nex season tha intend tu start a 10-pin allee.</p>
+
+<p>Congriss Spring is lokated here; it tasts verry much like sumthing
+or ruther, i kant tell which, and iz now generally admitted tu be
+kartharticus. I am partiklar impressed with the moral centiment that
+pervades things here. I am told a man wanted tu hire a room tu gamble
+in with dominoze, but the authoritize immejiately burnt him in effigee.
+Dimonds are trumps here, and menny good hands are held. Thare is no end
+tu the number ov selebrated belles here. Thare is one that cums out
+about 3 o'clock every day, that takes them all down. I allude now in
+a kind ov burleskish wa tu the <i>dinner</i>-bell. But, after all, Solomon
+gits mi time when he bust out in this fashun, "All is vanitee and
+vexashun of spirits." Good for Solomon! Mi christain friends, good-bi.</p>
+
+<p class="author">
+<span class="smcap">Josh Billings.</span>
+</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXVII" id="LXVII">LXVII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">NOT ENNY SHANGHI FOR ME.</p>
+
+
+<p>The shanghi ruseter is a gentile, and speaks in a forrin tung. He is
+bilt on piles like a Sandy Hill crane. If he had bin bilt with 4 legs,
+he wud resembel the peruvian lama. He is not a game animil, but quite
+often cums off sekund best in a ruff and tumble fite; like the injuns,
+tha kant stand sivilization, and are fast disappearing. Tha roost on
+the ground, similar tew the mud turkle. Tha oftin go to sleep standing,
+and sum times pitch over, and when tha dew, tha enter the ground like a
+pickaxe. Thare food consis ov korn in the ear. Tha crow like a jackass,
+troubled with the bronskeesucks. Tha will eat as mutch tu onst as a
+district skule master, and ginerally sit down rite oph tew keep from
+tipping over. Tha are dredful unhandy tew cook, yu hav tu bile one eend
+ov them tu a time, yu kant git them awl into a potash kittle tu onst.
+The femail<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span> ruster lays an eg as big as a kokernut, and is sick for a
+week afterwards, and when she hatches out a litter of yung shanghis she
+has tew brood them standing and then kant kiver but 3 ov them—the rest
+stand around on the outside, like boys around a cirkus tent, gitting
+a peep under the kanvas when ever tha kan. The man who fust brought
+the breed into this kuntry ought tew own them all and be obliged tew
+feed them on grasshoppers, caught bi hand. I never owned but one and
+he got choked tu deth bi a kink in a clothes line, but not until he
+had swallered 18 feet ov it. Not enny shanghi for me, if yu pleze; i
+wuld rather board a travelling kolporter, and as for eating one, giv me
+a biled owl rare dun, or a turkee buzzard, roasted hole, and stuffed
+with a pair ov injun rubber boots, but not enny shanghi for me, not a
+shanghi!</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXVIII" id="LXVIII">LXVIII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">IS DISPOSING OV THINGS FOR CHARITABEL PURPOSES BI "LOT" A SIN?</p>
+
+<p class="center">EXAMINED BY JOSH BILLINGS.</p>
+
+
+<p><i>Fustly</i>—I think it is a sin. So it is a sin tew dew a sin, that good
+may cum out ov it, but the good that comes out ov it aint a sin, is it?
+Ha!</p>
+
+<p><i>Sekundly</i>—I think it is a sin onse more. So i think the manefakter ov
+sider brandee is a sin, but the use ov it tew kure the rhumatiz aint a
+sin mutch.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thirdly</i>—I think it is a sin onse morely. So is this war a sin, but
+we awl of us are in hopes that its fruits will be righteousness, and
+righteousness aint no sin.</p>
+
+<p><i>Fourthly</i>—I keep thinking that it is a sin. So is cutting oph a dog's
+tale tew keep it from gitting stepped on, a sin, but it dont hurt the
+dog for ketching rats, duz it?</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Fifthly</i> and <i>lastly</i>, i kno it is a sin. Bekase awl those who make
+the most fuss about it, are the verry ones, who if tha shud be misled
+into buying a tiket for one dollar and didn't draw a mowing masheen,
+wud feal rite off as tho the Lord warnt on their side.</p>
+
+<p><i>Moral.</i>—Dont engage in a "Lot," unless yu are parfekly willing the
+Lord shud have the tiket and the mowing masheen too.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 481px;">
+<img src="images/i_208.jpg" width="481" height="600" alt="Not enny Shanghi for me" />
+<div class="caption">"Not enny Shanghi for me, not enny."—<i>See page <a href="#Page_189">189</a>.</i></div>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXIX" id="LXIX">LXIX.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">ADVERTIZEMENT.</p>
+
+
+<p>I kan sell for eighteen hundred and thirty-nine dollars, a pallas,
+a sweet and pensive retirement, lokated on the virgin banks ov the
+Hudson, kontaining 85 acres. The land is luxuriously divided by
+the hand of natur and art, into pastor and tillage, into plain and
+deklivity, into stern abruptness, and the dallianse ov moss-tufted
+medder; streams ov sparkling gladness, (thick with trout,) danse
+through this wilderness ov buty, tew the low musik ov the kricket and
+grasshopper. The evergreen sighs az the evening zephir flits through
+its shadowy buzzum, and the aspen trembles like the luv-smitten harte
+ov a damsell. Fruits ov the tropicks, in golden buty, melt on the bows,
+and the bees go heavy and sweet from the fields to their garnering
+hives. The manshun iz ov Parian marble, the porch iz a single diamond,
+set with rubiz and the mother ov pearl; the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span> floors are ov rosewood,
+and the ceilings are more butiful than the starry vault of heavin. Hot
+and cold water bubbles and squirts in evry apartment, and nothing is
+wanting that a poet could pra for, or art could portray. The stables
+are worthy of the steeds ov Nimrod or the studs ov Akilles, and its
+henery waz bilt expressly for the birds of paradice; while somber in
+the distance, like the cave ov a hermit, glimpses are caught ov the
+dorg-house. Here poets hav cum and warbled their laze—here skulptors
+hav cut, here painters hav robbed the scene ov dreamy landskapes, and
+here the philosopher diskovered the stun, which made him the alkimist
+ov natur. Nex northward ov this thing ov buty, sleeps the residense
+and domain ov the Duke John Smith; while southward, and nearer the
+spice-breathing tropicks, may be seen the barronial villy ov Earl
+Brown, and the Duchess, Widder Betsy Stevens. Walls ov primitiff rock,
+laid in Roman cement, bound the estate, while upward and downward, the
+eye catches far away, the magesta and slow grander ov the Hudson. As
+the young morn hangs like a cutting ov silver from the blu brest ov the
+ski, an angel may be seen each night dansing with golden tiptoes on the
+green. (N. B. This angel goes with the place.)</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Biagrams kan be seen at the offiss ov the broker. Terms flattering.
+None but principals delt with. Title as pure as the breth ov a white
+male infant, and possession given with the lark. For more full
+deskripshun, read Ovid's Art ov Luv, or kall (in yure carriage) on Josh
+Billings, Real Estate Agent.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXX" id="LXX">LXX.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">OUT WEST!</p>
+
+
+<p>Tha sa the praree chickens are so thik, out West, tha hav tew put up
+poles awl over the kuntry for them tew roost on.</p>
+
+<p>When tha bust up, out there, tha pay their debts, by jineing the church.</p>
+
+<p>It being agin the law tew carry consealed weepons, evry man carrys one
+in his hand.</p>
+
+<p>A man who don't kno how tew pla uker, would not be believed under oath.</p>
+
+<p>It iz 5 dollars fine, in Cinsinnatti, tew strike a hog, in anger.</p>
+
+<p>Tha don't bore for ile, out thare, tha bore for whiskee, and hav the
+best luk in the visinity ov the graveyards.</p>
+
+<p>In sum parts, out West, it iz almoste unpossibel tew git water; one
+man in Pike County dug a well 90 feet deep, and then struk a bed ov
+sawdust; he put<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span> in an injine, and iz pumping out a 1000 bushel a da,
+which he sells tew the Government, for hoss feed.</p>
+
+<p>The prinsipal produkshuns or the kuntry are, whiskee in the ear, and
+rale rode stok in the bundle.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXXI" id="LXXI">LXXI.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">SAYINS.</p>
+
+
+<p>About the only difference between the poor and the ritch, is this, the
+poor <i>suffer</i> mizery, while the ritch hav tu <i>enjoy</i> it.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>"Bee yee as wize as a sarpint, and as harmlis as a duve," and then if a
+feller cums a fooling around yure duve, yu kan set yure sarpint at him.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Rize arly, work hard, and late, live on what yu kant sell, giv nothing
+awa, and if yu dont die ritch, and go tu the devil, yu ma sue me for
+damages.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Marrin for love ma be a little risky, but it is so honest, that God
+kant help but smile on it.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>There is one thing I kant never forgit nor I hain tried to, and that
+is, the fust time I kissed a gal.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<p>If I was asked, "what is the chief end of man now a daze," I should
+immegiatly repli, "10 per cent."</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Yu may argy a bull Tarrier out ov a bone, but yu kant argy a woman out
+ov her will.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Mi advise tu them who are about tu begin, in arnest, the jurney ov
+life, is tu take their harte in one hand and a club in the other.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>The biggest glutton I ever herd tell ov, was the feller out in
+Indianny, who eat a pair ov twin lams for brekfast, and then chased the
+ole yew three miles and a haf.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>The peacock has one ov the most butifullest tails in the world, but i
+tak notis he dont drag it on the ground when he walks out.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXXII" id="LXXII">LXXII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">A WIMMIN'S LEAGUE MEETIN.</p>
+
+
+<p>I don't kno when i hav bin filled so near up tew the brim with a fond
+feelink for the fair sek az i was last nite at mi natiff plase, the
+good old borough ov Billingsville, whither i had gone on a visit tew
+git mi boots tapped. The wimmin had called a meetin' ov the fair sekts
+tew take into konsiderashun the propriety ov not wareing enny more
+clothes, that is, forrin bilt clothes. The meetin waz got into shape bi
+kalling Mrs. Peleg Pewter tew the chair. The fust thing she did waz tew
+create a silence, which she did after about 30 minnits, awl excep a fu
+whispering, which she could not dry up.</p>
+
+<p>The style ov the meetin' having bin sot up in big type bi the Mrs.
+Peleg Pewter, she ced thare waz an opening, and no less than 4 wimmin
+started for the opening at onst; but the president decided that Mrs.
+Cynthee Coon waz about one neck ahed, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span> tharefore, waz entitled
+tew the fust heat. She waz a woman about 14 hands hi, and wore wollen
+stockings. She ced she waz for home manafakter and waz agin awl luxury
+excep a nu shawl, and that she must hav. She ced she waz willing tew
+giv up silk, but she must hav 1 more nu shawl if it bust her.</p>
+
+<p>She ced she thought thare ought tew be sum diskriminashun between what
+folks didn't want and what tha did, and for her part she was reddy tew
+go her length or ennyboddy else's length agin the noshun that poor
+people had ov hankering after imported goods.</p>
+
+<p>Her speech lasted for about 2 hours, and was listened to with
+breathless expense. When she sot down the wimmin gathered around her;
+sum ov them held camphor tew her noze, sum ov them unhooked her dress,
+and one ov them, more thoughtful than the rest, mixed up a gin sling,
+which she struggled with for a minnit, and then ced it did her soul
+good. A committee ov 3 ov the heavyest wimmin was appointed bi the
+chair with power tew draw up a sett ov resolushuns which was reported
+as follows:</p>
+
+<p><i>Whereas</i>, resolved, that silks, and shawls, and so forth, are a luxury
+from imported kuntrys, and we are down on them.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Resolved</i>, that we are down on silks and shawls.</p>
+
+<p><i>Resolved</i>, that we wont uze silks and shawls onla in case ov sickness.</p>
+
+<p><i>Resolved</i>, that the foregoing resolushuns be published 3 times a week
+in the <i>Billingsville Weekly</i>, and that our husbands foot the bills or
+we foot them—the bills.</p>
+
+<p><i>Resolved</i>, that we pledg ourselfs, our fortins, and our natiff land,
+tew sustane the above sett ov resolushuns.</p>
+
+<p>After taking a pinch ov snuff, and kissing awl around, the meeting
+broke up tew meet "sine die" on the next Teusday.... Ov course no
+male man was allowed at the meetin', but i receaved a koppa ov the
+resolushuns the nex morning, accompanyed with mi respeks.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXXIII" id="LXXIII">LXXIII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">A TRUE FISH STORY FOUNDED ON FAK.</p>
+
+
+<p>In a little town awa out wes whar i used tew liv, thare wast two elders
+resided. One ov them wast a Babtiss, Gaffit bi name, and the other wast
+a Methodis, Sturgiss bi name, and both ov them wast as good fellers as
+ever sarved the Lord. As good luk wud hav it tha both had a revival ov
+religion in their floks at the same time. Gaffit was a cunning critter,
+besides being as harmless as the duv. Thare was but one pond in the
+town, and that was used for babtizing by agreement, on wensday ov each
+week, bi Gaffit, and on saturday bi Sturgiss. One wensday, as Gaffit
+was engaged in marking his sheep, or in uther wurds, was bi the side ov
+the little pond ov water adminstering the rite ov babtism tew a goodla
+number, whom he had coaxed awa from the wiles ov the devil, Sturgiss
+looked in upon the happy scene, with eys brimful ov luv. Amung the
+menny who ware waiting<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span> tew be babtized, Sturgiss diskovered sevral
+whom he had convikted, and whom he expekted tew add tew his flok on the
+cumming saturda. The nex da the two elders met, Sturgiss charged Gaffit
+with the pious fraud he had detekted bi the side ov the little pond.
+Gaffit's eyes puckered with delite, as he listened tew the charge,
+then seezin the methodis elder bi the hand with an extra pucker in his
+eye, whispered: "Brother Sturgiss, mi father larnt me when i was but a
+little fisher-boy, tew string mi fish as fast as i ketched 'em."</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXXIV" id="LXXIV">LXXIV.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">AT SARATOGA SPRINGS.</p>
+
+
+<p>I arrived here nite before last at arly kandle lite. Mi wife and 2
+children ackompanyed me. The fust thing that i did was tu call for a
+tavern; i got one immegiately, and took a room, from choice, in the
+Seventh story, all the rooms above wer took. The tavern whare i stop,
+is called the Union, one, and inseprable. The bar is stocked with the
+choicest lickers. Thare must be 3 or 4 hundred black serviants here,
+tha all wear white aporns, and hav their hair curled clos. The tavern
+keeper rings a gong with a klub when the vittles is reddy, and then the
+boarders march in; 'tis a moste effecting site! I havent et ennything
+yet but briled chickens. I gess evry body here knows me, tha look at me
+so. I kreated a sensashun yesterday after dinner, on the front stupe
+ov the tavern, by calling a cullard servant tu pick mi teeth. I herd
+one ov the ladys<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span> sa, "i was an English Lord, she had saw me at Nuport
+laste seson." I shall sta here as long as i can injuce mi females tu
+remain. This is the place where the congriss water cums from; tha dip
+it up out ov a hole in the ground, with a roof over it, you can drink 4
+or 5 tumblers ov it tu onst, without swallering; it tastes a good deal
+like sumthing i never tasted before, and it operates on the inwards
+for all the world, just like pills. It dus look so funny tu see 8 or 9
+hundred mails, and femails, all taking fisick tu once; 'tis a pensiv
+sight! The town kontains about 6 thousand folks, and about as menny
+more individuals; the individuals spend their time going up and down
+the back stairs and taking fisick. The natur ov the sile around here
+is sandy, and pine trees, about half and half. Thare is a rase course
+here, built in a sircile, whare tha make hosses go round and round;
+tis delitesum tu behold! Three miles out east of the village tha hav
+built a fashionable pond; evrybody goes thare tu spend their munny; tha
+ask 8 cents a glass for their whiska! The sosietah here is permiskus,
+blaklegs and deakons, divines and pugerlistics, judges and jockeys,
+congressmen and harlots, devils and Quakers, so judciously mixed up,
+'tis food for the filoso<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span>pick mind. A grate menny young wimmin are
+brought here annually tu git married; the kourting is all did by the
+mothers, in fac the wimmin du it all here excep pay the bills. A man
+at Saratoger don't hav enny more tu sa, or du, than an old gander dus
+when a goose is setting. The citizens ov this place hav onla one kind
+ov religion or pollyticks, and that is congriss water. I kant rite enny
+more just now, i hav got tu go down stairs.</p>
+
+<p class="author">
+Aju, <span class="smcap">Josh Billings</span>.
+</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXXV" id="LXXV">LXXV.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">SPIRITUAL BELIEF OV THE BILLINGSES.</p>
+
+
+<p>We beleaf in ardent spirits—sich az charitee, parsaveranse, and
+patrotism. We beleaf in animil spirits—sich az fast hosses, vigerous
+cats, and ambishus rat terriers. We beleaf in the spirits ov 76—sich
+az ole Jamaka, and Santa Cruize, jist a little for the rumatiz. We
+beleaf in the evidence ov departed spirits, a good deal—sich az
+temprance houses, lemonade picknix, and water kure establishments. We
+beleaf in the spirits of just men—but beleaf they ar skase. We beleaf
+in the spirit ov revenge—if a muskeeter bites you without provocation,
+kill awl the muskeeters, nex ov kin, in the naberhood. We beleaf in the
+spirit ov forgiveness—if we owe a man, and we won't pay him, let him
+forgiv the det.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXXVI" id="LXXVI">LXXVI.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">JOSH BILLINGS CORRESPONDS WITH A "HAIR OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN".</p>
+
+
+<p><i>Dear Doktor Hirsute</i>:—I reseaved a tin cup ov yure "Hair purswader,"
+also a bottle ov yure "Salvashum Bitters", bi express, for which, I
+express my thanks. The greenbak, which yu enklozed waz the kind ov
+purswader that we ov the press fully understand. Yur hair greese, shall
+hav a reglar gimnastik puff, jist az soon az i kan find a spare time.
+I tried a little ov it on an old counter brush in my offiss, this
+morning, and in 15 minnitts, the brussells grew az long az a hosses
+tale, and i notis this afternoon, the hair begins tew cum up thru, on
+bak ov the brush, 'tis really wonderful! 'tis almoste Eureka! I rubbed
+a drop or two on the head ov mi cane, which haz bin bald for more than
+5 years, and beggar me! if I don't hav to shave the cane handle,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span> evry
+day, before I can walk out with it. I hav a verry favrite cat, she iz
+one ov the Hambletonian breed ov cats, and altho she iz young, and
+haint bin trained yet, she shows grate signs ov speed. I thought I
+would just rob the corck ov the bottle on the floor, in the corner ov
+the room whare the cat generally repozes. The consequents waz, sum ov
+the "purswader" got onto the hair ov the cat's tale. When the cat aroze
+from her slumbers she caught sight ov her tale, which had growed tew
+an exalted size; taking one more look at the tale, she started, and bi
+the good olde Mozes! sich running; across the yard! over the fence! up
+wun side ov an apple tree! and down the other! out into the fields,
+away! away! The laste i saw ov the cat, she waz pretty mutch awl tale.
+I wouldn't hav took 10 dollars for the cat, with her old tale on her.
+In a fu daze, i shall find a spare time, and then i shall write up, for
+our paper sumthing pyroteknik, which will make the hair grow on the
+head ov a number 2 mackrel, to read it.</p>
+
+<p>Dear Doktor, the fact iz, "sum men are born grate, sum men git grate
+after they are born, and sum men hav grateness hove upon them." Doctor,
+you are awl 3 ov these men, in one. You are a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span> kind ov vegatable
+trinity, sassyfrass, pokeroot, and elderberry. It waz a happee thought
+in you, tew call your "Salvashun Bitters" a "vegatabel tonicks,"
+although, old rye aint one ov the vegatabels, whiskee iz one ov the
+tonicks. The peopel must hev tonicks, and the more vegatabels you kan
+git into the gratest amount ov whiskee, the more the peopel will luv
+you. Thare is nothing the christian world long for so mutch, just
+now, as a vegatabel bitter. Sassyfrass is good for a lonesum stummuk,
+pokeroot is an alteratiff, and Elderberry was known to the anshients,
+but what! oh tell me what! yee whispring winds, what! are awl these
+without whiskee. Thank the Lord, that at laste, we hav got a bitter,
+that will tonick a man up. Nothing, sinze the good old daze ov Jamaka
+Rum, and sider Brandee, haz sent sich a thrill ov joy thru the wurld,
+az "Hirsute's Salvashun Bitters," sold respektably bi awl druggists,
+far and near.</p>
+
+<p>Go on Doktur, manafaktring, and selling, let the cod liver, and pattent
+truss men, howl out in envy, let pills rant, and plasters rave, you hav
+got what the wurld wants, and will have, and that iz, an erb bitter,
+with a broad whiskee basis.</p>
+
+<p>N. B.—Bizziness, Doctor, iz bizziness. The hi<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span> prise ov material,
+and laber, haz put up puffs with us, but upon the reseipt ov 50
+Dollars more, yu kan rely upon sumthing, in our weekly, that will send
+"Salvashun, and Purswashun" whirling thru the land.</p>
+
+<p>P. S.—Let me advize yu az a friend; if it iz indispensible necessary
+tew cheat a little, in the manufakter ov the "Salvashun Bitters," let
+it by awl means be in the rutes, dont lower the basis.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+Yures quietly,<br />
+<span class="smcap inset">Josh Billings</span>.
+</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXXVII" id="LXXVII">LXXVII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">PROVERBS.</p>
+
+
+<p>He who buys begrudgingly, pays the higest prise and gits nothing that
+sutes him.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>It iz jist about az mutch mizery tew <i>want</i> a dimond ring, as tew
+<i>want</i> a shirt.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>The author who rites for bred, wil giv hiz reeders a taste ov emptins.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>I never knu a fool who hadn't a good voice.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Thieves hunt in couples, but a liar has no accomplice.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Az men gro older, their opinyuns, like their disseazes, grow kronick.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<p>Wimmin <i>luv</i> their hustbands, but tha <i>worship</i> their bonnets.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>The man who kant liv a week on hope, and then maik a harty meal on the
+result is no philozopher.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>I often cum akross inidividoals, quite oftenly, who think tha hav never
+committed enny sins or indiscreshuns in this life, such people i pitty,
+for they wont kno when they git to heaven.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Az a gineral thing, if yu want tew git at the truth ov a perlitikal
+argyment, hear both sides and beleave neither.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Thare iz a multitude of folks who mean well enuff but how like the
+devel tha act.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Opportunitays, like eggs don't kum but one at a time.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>I luv to gaze upon a hily eddikated and intilektooal woman, but I kant
+sa that I want tew belong tew one ov this klass.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<p>True honour iz a keen perception ov what iz rite, falze honour iz a
+keen affectashun ov what iz rong.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>"Giv the devil hiz due," reads wel enuff in a proverb, but mi friend
+what will bekum ov you and me if this arrangement iz carried out?</p>
+
+
+
+<p>If yu are happy, dont proklaim it tew the world, the world dont luv tew
+hear about sich things.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>A jest iz sumthing that a fule admires, and a wize man laffs at.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Vartue that haint bin tempted, and wine that haint bin tasted, iz verry
+good vartue, and verry good wine, in bottles.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Thare iz jist this difference between a fule and a hen, the fule
+cackels before, and the hen not till after the egg iz lade.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXXVIII" id="LXXVIII">LXXVIII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">DOMESTIK RECEIPTS IN FULL.</p>
+
+
+<p>Tew sarve up cowcumbers—pick them when the dew is on them, pare them
+neatly, slice them thin, add salt and let them stand for 60 minnitts,
+pepper them freely, add good sharpe vinegar, and then—raze up the
+window carefully, and throw them out.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Tew make watermelons the old fashioned wa—steal them bi moonlite, and
+eat them in the next lot.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Lobsters want tew be boiled whole till they are ded, pour ice cream
+over them, send for the docktor, eat them before going tu bed, and tell
+yure friends the next da, that yu hav bin threatened with an attak ov
+the—rebbels.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Tew remove goose pimples—skin the goose.</p>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<p>Tew kure hams—bathe them in Hostetter's Bitters.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Tew bring up a child in the wa he should go—travel that wa yourself.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 473px;">
+<img src="images/i_234.jpg" width="473" height="650" alt="Women's Rights Convention" />
+<div class="caption">Women's Rights Convention—Mrs. Peleg Pewter takes the
+chair.—<i>See page <a href="#Page_200">200</a>.</i></div>
+</div>
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXXIX" id="LXXIX">LXXIX.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">FAKS.</p>
+
+
+<p>Josh Billings, begs leaf tu state:</p>
+
+<p>That onions are <i>good</i> for a <i>bad</i> breth.</p>
+
+<p>That Rockawa clams are a good opening for enny yung man.</p>
+
+<p>That ships are kalled <i>she</i> bekauze tha alwus keep a man on the
+<i>lookout</i>.</p>
+
+<p>That "turning water into wine" is a mirakle in theze days worth, at
+least, 300 per cent.</p>
+
+<p>That boys aint ap to turn out well who dont git up till 10 o'clock in
+the morning.</p>
+
+<p>That, if a man is agoing tu make a bizness ov sarving the Lord, he
+likes tu see him du it when he measures up onions as well as when he
+hollers glory halleluyer!</p>
+
+<p>That wisdum aint nothing more than edikated cunning.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXXX" id="LXXX">LXXX.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">ON LECTURES.</p>
+
+
+<p class="author">
+Dec. 9, 1864
+</p>
+
+<p>I take my pen in hand, to inform you, that i am in the Lekturing
+bizzness. I have jined the army ov martyrs, and am having a healthy
+time. I lektured laste nite, tew a flooded house. Had a revival, evry
+fu minnits, it would hav did yu good, tew hear the people holler.
+The way things look now, i think i shall be able tew retire from
+private life, in a fu months, and keep 3 or 4 dogs, and a fish pond.
+Yesterday, i reseaved a dunnin letter, from mi fashionable tailor, for
+a coat, that has bin wore out, more than 2 years. I replied tew the
+limited cuss, briefly, as follers: "Dear sur—Enklozed, pleze find 20
+dollars—if yu can. Yures, sum, Josh Billings."</p>
+
+<p>I thought i would try a tragik lektur at fust, but tragediz are gitting
+so common, now a daze, that yu kan git them done, and warrented, for 25
+dollars.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span> Mi Lektur is the normal comick, with an okasional effort tew
+be witty.</p>
+
+<p>I hope you are well, and hav a good appetight. Remember me kindly
+tew Reub Fenton, when yu see him.—I also reseaved 2 letters bi to
+daez male, which i will let yu answer for me; thru yure valuable
+collums.—One ov them is from an individoal, who sines his name
+"Hennery," and tuther is from a person bi the name ov "Mirakle."</p>
+
+<p><i>Hennery</i>:—The best time tew sett a hen, is when the hen is reddy. I
+kant tell you what the best breed is, but the shanghigh is the meanest.
+It kosts as mutch tew board one, as it duz a stage hoss, and yu mite as
+well undertake tew fat a fanning-mill, by running oats thru it. Thare
+aint no proffitt in keeping a hen for his eggs, if he laze less than
+one a day. Hens are very long lived, if they dont contrakt the thrut
+disseaze,—thare is a grate menny goes tew pot, evry year, bi this
+melankolly disseaze. I kant tell exactly how tew pick out a good hen,
+but as a genral thing, the long-eared ones, are kounted the best. The
+one-legged ones, i kno, are the lest ap tew skratch up the garden. Eggs
+packed in equal parts ov salt, and lime water, with the other end down,
+will keep from 30, or 40, years, if they are not dis<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span>turbed. Fresh
+beef-stake is good for hens; i serpoze 4 or 5 pounds a day, would be
+awl a hen would need, at fust along. I shall be happee tew advise with
+yu, at enny time, on the hen question, and—take it in egg.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mirakle</i>:—Yu sa "yu kant understand the mirakle ov the whale, that
+swallered Joner". I dont serpoze that Joner, nor the whale, ever fully
+understood it themselfs. I hav thought that it was eazyer for the whale
+tew swaller Joner, than it was for the outsiders, tew swaller the
+mirakel. I kant tell yu what Joner did while in the whale's sosiety;
+but i kno what a yankee would hav did, he would hav rigged a rudder
+on the animal, and run him into port, and either klaimed the ile for
+salvage, or sold out his chanse tew a petroleun grease company.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3">LXXX.</p>
+<p class="ph4">YANKEE NOSHUNS.</p>
+
+
+<p>The noshun that skule houzens are cheaper than stait prizens.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>The noshun that men are a better krop tew raize than enny thing else.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>The noshun that the whole wurld is the markit for a man's wits.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>The noshun that a people who hav branes enuff kant be governed bi enny
+body but themselfs.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>The noshun that if yu kant make a man think az yu do; try and make him
+do az yu think.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>The noshun that the United States iz liable at any time tew be doubled,
+but aint liable at enny time tew be divided.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<p>The noshun that Uncle Sam kan thrash hiz own children when tha need it,
+and kan thrash the hole wurld besides.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>The noshun that Yankees are a fourordained rase, and kant be kept from
+spredding, and striking in, enny more than turpentine kan when it once
+gits luce.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXXXII" id="LXXXII">LXXXII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">ATTENTION! SQUAD!</p>
+
+
+<p>Men kalkulate with perfek accurasy, the rate ov speed attained bi
+earthly boddys, and ov moste matter, whether sublunary, or ov a
+heavenly natur. They tell us how long a ra ov light is on the way
+from the sun—how fass a comet travels—the best time that lightning
+can make—when the stars visit, and how long they are about it—the
+fraktional lapse kontained in the hop ov a flea—the flite ov a
+swallow—the velosity ov sound, and the smartness ov a hurrycane. They
+kan tell us how long it takes old Borus, after he leaves his cave, to
+reach this earth, and button up the coats ov shivring mortals. But i
+hav sarched their theorys and ransacked their mathematicks in vain,
+tew diskover the haste ov a Slander. But we kno ov nothing, on the
+earth, or above it, that equals it in quickness. It travels as well
+in the dark, as in the light—knows no law<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span> ov gravitashun, nor ov
+heat, or cold—is not traceable, or definable—has no parentage, and
+frequently no objek—is not matter, nor an essence—may fly in the
+glance ov an eye, or be felt in the point ov a finger—is the pet ov
+almost evry one—can hav the ear when charity, love, and the delikate
+pashuns, plead in vain—is everywhare in an instant—feeds upon nothing
+but sweet things, has more friends than truth, is a lie, faster than
+the wings ov the wind, and twin racer to thought—steals into the
+sakred pulpit—at midnite, robs the chaste maiden ov the ruddy truth
+in her cheeks—hangs sackcloth upon the manly form ov honesta—cums
+in a whisper—is misterious as an echo—will betray for a prise—has
+made kings tremble—has dried up the warm pulse ov hope, and driven
+modesta shreeking away—is a skorpion, invisible, but full ov madness,
+and menny stings. Who kan tell its whereabouts? Who can rate its speed?
+Who kan annylize its meanness? Who has not listened tew its preshious
+falsehoods? and who will not, with me, pronounse it a renegade, the
+common enemy ov humanitee? and who that kan shoot flieing, will not
+help tew bring down the base bird? Attenshun, squad!</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 494px;">
+<img src="images/i_244.jpg" width="494" height="600" alt="Josh Billings delivers an extemporaneous political lecture" />
+<div class="caption">Josh Billings delivers an extemporaneous political
+lecture.—<i>See page <a href="#Page_219">219</a>.</i></div>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXXXIII" id="LXXXIII">LXXXIII.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">THE FUST BABY.</p>
+
+
+<p>The fust baby has bekum one ov the fixed stars ov life; and ever since
+the fust one was born, on the rong side of the gardin ov Eden, down
+tew the little stranger ov yesterday, they hav never failed tew be
+a budget ov mutch joy—an event ov mutch gladness. Tew wake up some
+cheerful morning, and cee a pair ov soft eyes looking into yours—to
+wonder how so mutch buty could have been entrusted to you—to sarch out
+the father, or the mother, in the sweet little fase, and then loze the
+survey, in an instant of buty, as a laffing Angel lays before you—tew
+pla with the golden hare, and sow fond kisses upon this little bird in
+yure nest—tiz this that makes the fust baby, the joy ov awl joys—a
+feast ov the harte. Tew find the pale Mother again bi yure side, more
+luvly than when she was wooed—tew see a new tenderness in her eye, and
+tew hear the chastened sweet<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span>ness ov her laff, as she tells something
+new about "Willie"-tew luv her far more than ever, and tew find oftimes
+a prayer on yure lips—tiz this that makes the fust baby a fountain ov
+sparkling plezzure. Tew watch the bud on yure rosebush, tew ketch the
+fust notes ov yure song-bird, tew hear the warm praze ov kind frends,
+and tew giv up yure hours tew the trezzure—tiz this that makes the
+fust baby a gift that Angels hav brought yu. Tew look upon the trak
+that life takes—tew see the sunshine and shower—tew plead for the
+best, and shrink from the wust—tew shudder when sikness steals on, and
+tew be chastened when death comes—tiz this—oh! tiz this that makes
+the fust baby a hope upon arth, and a gem up in heaven.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXXXIV" id="LXXXIV">LXXXIV.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">LAUGHING.</p>
+
+
+<p>Laughing is strikly an amuzement, altho some folks make a bizzness ov
+it. It haz bin considered an index ov karakter, and thare iz sum, so
+close at reasoning, that they say, they kan tell what a man had for
+dinner, by seeing him laff. I never saw two laff alike. While thare are
+some, who dont make enny noise, thare are sum, who dont make ennything
+but noise; and sum agin, who hav musik in their laff, and others, who
+laff just az a rat duz, who haz caught a steel trap, with his tale.
+Thare is no mistake in the assershun, that it is a cumfert tew hear sum
+laffs, that cum rompin out ov a man's mouth, just like a distrik school
+ov yung girls, let out tew play. Then agin thare iz sum laffs, that
+are az kold and meaningless az a yesterday's bukwheat pancake,—that
+cum out ov the mouth twisted, and gritty, az a 2 inch auger,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span> drawed
+out ov a hemlok board. One ov these kind ov laffs haz no more cumfert
+in it than the—stummuk ake haz, and makes yu feel, when yu hear it,
+az though yu waz being shaved bi a dull razer, without the benefit ov
+soap, or klergy. Men who never laff may have good hearts, but they are
+deep seated,—like sum springs, they hav their inlet and outlet from
+below, and show no sparkling bubble on the brim. I don't like a gigler,
+this kind ov laff iz like the dandylion, a feeble yeller, and not a bit
+ov good smell about it. It iz true that enny kind ov a laff iz better
+than none,—but giv me the laff that looks out ov a man's eyes fust,
+to see if the coast is clear, then steals down into the dimple ov his
+cheek, and rides in an eddy thare awhile, then waltzes a spell, at the
+korners ov his mouth, like a thing ov life, then busts its bonds ov
+buty, and fills the air for a moment with a shower ov silvery tongued
+sparks,—then steals bak, with a smile, to its lair, in the harte, tew
+watch agin for its prey,—this it is the kind ov laff that i luv, and
+aint afrade</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="LXXXV" id="LXXXV">LXXXV.</a></p>
+<p class="ph4">PIONEERS.</p>
+
+
+<p>God bless the pironeers—the whole ov them—inkluding the man who fust
+rode a mule. Hiz name waz Stickfasst, he will be remembered az long az
+black wax will be, hiz posterity have aul bin good stickers, sum ov
+the best clothes-pins the world ever saw, cum from this familee....
+I remember olde Buffaloo. He waz a sunsett pironeer; he started tew
+discover, "out west," 40 years ago, hiz property was a wife, with the
+side ake, 2 galls, just busting thru their clothes into womanhood,
+2 boys, who kould kill a skunk at 3 paces, and dodge the smell, a
+one-hoss wagging, a rifle, and a brass-kittle, he squat at Rock River,
+in the Illinoise, for 6 months, and then moved on more westly, the
+last that ware seen ov him, was the hind-board ov hiz wagging, just
+doubling the top ov the rocky mountains.... And thare waz Beltrigging,
+who fust<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span> diskovered the tempranse question, he had bin a suckcessful
+rumdrinker, and seller for 36 years, and had retired with a pile, he
+diskovered kold water one day, on the back side ov hiz farm, digging
+out foxes; he lektured nex day, in a 7-day babtiss church, and told
+his xperiense; he made 13 hundred dollars lekturing, and died 9 years
+afterwards, in grate agony, having drank 4 drops ov french brandee, on
+a lump ov brown sugar bi mistake. He begot Springwater, and Springwater
+begot Rainwater, and Rainwater begot Dewdrop, and Dewdrop begot
+Morning-Mist, awl ov them selebrated tempranse lekturers.... And there
+waz Solomon Saw-dust, the author ov bran-bred, and nailrod-soup; he waz
+a champion ov lite weights; he fit the dispepshee in aul its forms; he
+lived for 18 months, at one heat, on the smell ov a red herring, and
+gained 9 pounds in wind. He had menny admirers and immitaturs the moste
+grate ov which was Wet Pack and Water Kure.... And there waz Mehitable
+Saffron, the virgin-hero ov wimmins' rights; i herd her fust orashun,
+in the town hall; she spoke without notes, at arms' length. She ced,
+"woman had a destiny that man kouldn't fill for her, and az for her,
+she could go it alone, she didn't<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span> want no he-creeter around her, she
+had on a pair of kowhide pegged boots, and closed up bi holding hi in
+the air, a pair ov corduroy breeches, which she swore bi the good olde
+Mozes, waz awl enny man had to brag ov".... She waz the first pironeer
+in the corduroy britches business, she died celibate, and haz had menny
+followers amung her sexes, but none that had the jism she had.... And
+then thare waz Old Perpetual; he got crazee at last, but not till he
+had invented a pitch-pine dog, with a bass-wood tail, that would bark
+and chase every wagging that cum along, clean down to the bridge over
+bean kreek. He got out a patent for a sorrel horse, and a nu milch cow,
+and lived till he was 90 years olde, and then died from a kold he had
+caught, down seller, trieing tew make soft sope, out ov bull's liver.
+On hiz grave stun waz these affekting paragraph: "State, and county
+rights for sale, enquire ov —— the widder."</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/i_252.jpg" width="300" height="82" alt="decoration" />
+</div>
+
+<p class="center">
+"<i>There is a kind of physiognomy in the titles</i><br />
+<i>of books no less than in the faces of</i><br />
+<i>men, by which a skilful observer</i><br />
+<i>will know as well what to expect</i><br />
+<i>from the one as the</i><br />
+<i>other.</i>"—<span class="smcap">Butler.</span>
+</p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="NEW_BOOKS" id="NEW_BOOKS">NEW BOOKS</a></p>
+
+<p class="ph4">And New Editions Recently Issued by CARLETON, Publisher, New York,</p>
+
+<p class="center">Madison Square, corner Fifth Av. and Broadway.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>N. B.—<span class="smcap">The Publishers</span>, upon receipt of the price in advance,
+will send any of the following Books by mail, <span class="smcap">POSTAGE FREE</span>,
+to any part of the United States. This convenient and very safe mode
+may be adopted when the neighboring Booksellers are not supplied with
+the desired work. State name and address in full.</p></blockquote>
+
+
+<p class="ph4">Marion Harland's Works.</p>
+
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 40%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="Marion Harland's Works.">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="45%" />
+ <col width="25%" />
+ <col width="25%" />
+ <col width="10%" />
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>ALONE.—</td>
+<td class="center">A novel.</td>
+<td class="center">12mo. cloth,</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>HIDDEN PATH.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>MOSS SIDE.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>NEMESIS.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>MIRIAM.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE EMPTY HEART.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>HELEN GARDNER'S WEDDING-DAY.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>SUNNYBANK.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>HUSBANDS AND HOMES.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>RUBY'S HUSBAND.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>PHEMIE'S TEMPTATION.—</td>
+<td class="center"><i>Just Published.</i></td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+
+</table>
+
+ <p class="ph4">Miss Muloch.</p>
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 60%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="Miss Muloch.">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="35%" />
+ <col width="25%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>JOHN HALIFAX.—</td>
+<td class="center">A novel.</td>
+<td class="center">With illustration.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>A LIFE FOR A LIFE.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+
+</table>
+
+<p class="ph4">CHARLOTTE BRONTE (Currer Bell).</p>
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 60%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="CHARLOTTE BRONTE">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="35%" />
+ <col width="25%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>JANE EYRE.—</td>
+<td class="center">A novel.</td>
+<td class="center">With illustration.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE PROFESSOR.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>SHIRLEY.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>VILLETTE.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+
+<p class="ph4">Hand-Books of Society.</p>
+
+
+<div class="cpoem">
+<p><span class="smcap">THE HABITS OF GOOD SOCIETY</span>; thoughts, hints, and anecdotes,
+concerning nice points of taste, good manners, and the art of making
+oneself agreeable. <span class="inset">12mo. cloth,</span> <span class="inset">$1.75</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">THE ART OF CONVERSATION.</span>—A sensible and instructive work,
+that ought to be in the hands of every one who wishes to be either an
+agreeable talker or listener. <span class="inset">12mo. cloth,</span> <span class="inset">$1.50</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">ARTS OF WRITING, READING, AND SPEAKING.</span>—An excellent book
+for self-instruction and improvement. <span class="inset">12mo. cloth,</span> <span class="inset">$1.50</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">HAND-BOOKS OF SOCIETY.</span>—The above three choice volumes bound
+in extra style, full gilt ornamental back, uniform in appearance, and
+in a handsome box. <span class="inset">$5.00</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="ph4">Mrs. Mary J. Holmes' Works.</p>
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 60%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="Mrs. Mary J. Holmes' Works.">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="40%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>'LENA RIVERS.—</td>
+<td class="center">A novel.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="right">cloth,</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>DARKNESS AND DAYLIGHT.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>TEMPEST AND SUNSHINE.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>MARIAN GREY.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>MEADOW BROOK.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>ENGLISH ORPHANS.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>DORA DEANE.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>HOMESTEAD ON THE HILLSIDE.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>HUGH WORTHINGTON.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE CAMERON PRIDE.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>ROSE MATHER.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>ETHELYN'S MISTAKE.—</td>
+<td><i>Just Published.</i></td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+
+<p class="ph4">Miss Augusta J. Evans.</p>
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 50%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="Miss Augusta J. Evans.">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="40%" />
+ <col width="30%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>BEULAH.—</td>
+<td class="center">A novel of great power.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cloth,</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>MACARIA.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>ST. ELMO.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$2.00</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>VASHTI.—</td>
+<td class="center"><i>Just Published.</i></td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$2.00</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<div class="cpoem">
+<p class="ph4">Victor Hugo.</p>
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">LES MISÉRABLES.</span>—The celebrated novel. <span class="inset">One large 8vo. volume,
+paper covers,$2.00;</span> <span class="inset">cloth bound, $2.50</span><br />
+<br />
+<span class="smcap">LES MISÉRABLES.</span>—Spanish. <span class="inset">Two vols., paper, $4.00;</span> <span class="inset">cl., $5.00</span><br />
+<br />
+<span class="smcap">JARGAL.</span>—A new novel. Illustrated. <span class="inset">12mo. cloth,</span> <span class="inset">$1.75</span><br />
+<br />
+<span class="smcap">CLAUDE GUEUX</span>, and Last Day of Condemned Man. <span class="inset">12mo. cloth,</span> <span class="inset">$1.50</span><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph4">Algernon Charles Swinburne.</p>
+
+<p>LAUS VENERIS, AND OTHER POEMS.— 12mo. cloth, $1.75</p>
+
+<p class="ph4">Captain Mayne Reid's Works—Illustrated.</p>
+</div>
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 50%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="Captain Mayne Reid's Works">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="40%" />
+ <col width="20%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="10%" />
+
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>THE SCALP HUNTERS.—</td>
+<td class="center">A romance.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cloth,</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE RIFLE RANGERS.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE TIGER HUNTER.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>OSCEOLA, THE SEMINOLE.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE WAR TRAIL.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE HUNTER'S FEAST.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>RANGERS AND REGULATORS.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE WHITE CHIEF.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE QUADROON.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE WILD HUNTRESS.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE WOOD RANGERS.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>WILD LIFE.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE MAROON.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>LOST LEONORE.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE WHITE GAUNTLET.—</td>
+<td class="center"><i>Just Published.</i></td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+
+<p class="ph4">A. S. Roe's Works.</p>
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 50%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="A. S. Roe's Works.">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="40%" />
+ <col width="20%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="10%" />
+
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>A LONG LOOK AHEAD.—</td>
+<td class="center">A novel.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cloth,</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>TO LOVE AND TO BE LOVED.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>TIME AND TIDE.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>I'VE BEEN THINKING.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE STAR AND THE CLOUD.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>TRUE TO THE LAST.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>HOW COULD HE HELP IT?—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>LIKE AND UNLIKE.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>LOOKING AROUND.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>WOMAN OUR ANGEL.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE CLOUD ON THE HEART.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<p class="ph4">Orpheus C. Kerr.</p>
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 50%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="Orpheus C. Kerr.">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="40%" />
+ <col width="25%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="10%" />
+ <col width="10%" />
+
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>THE ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS.—</td>
+<td class="center">Three vols.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cloth,</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>SMOKED GLASS.—</td>
+<td class="center">New comic book.</td>
+<td class="right">Three vols.</td>
+<td class="center">cloth,</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>AVERY GLIBUN.—</td>
+<td class="center">A powerful new novel.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cloth,</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+<p class="ph4">Richard B. Kimball.</p>
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 50%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="Richard B. Kimball.">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="40%" />
+ <col width="20%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="10%" />
+
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>WAS HE SUCCESSFUL?—</td>
+<td class="center">A novel.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cloth,</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>UNDERCURRENTS.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>SAINT LEGER.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>ROMANCE OF STUDENT LIFE.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>IN THE TROPICS.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>HENRY POWERS, Banker.—</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>TO-DAY.—</td>
+<td><i>Just published.</i></td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<p class="ph4">Comic Books—Illustrated.</p>
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 50%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="Comic Books—Illustrated.">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="60%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="10%" />
+
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>ARTEMUS WARD, His Book.—Letters, etc.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cl.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>ARTEMUS WARD, His Travels—Mormons, etc.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>ARTEMUS WARD, In London.—Punch Letters.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>ARTEMUS WARD, His Panorama and Lecture.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>JOSH BILLINGS ON ICE, and other things.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>JOSH BILLINGS ON ICE, His Book of Proverbs, etc.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>WIDOW SPRIGGINS.—By author "Widow Bedott."</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>FOLLY AS IT FLIES.—By Fanny Fern.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>CORRY O'LANUS.—His views and opinions.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>VERDANT GREEN.—A racy English college story.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>CONDENSED NOVELS, etc.—By F. Bret Harte.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE SQUIBOB PAPERS.—By John Phœnix.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>MILES O'REILLY.—His Book of Adventures.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+
+</table>
+
+
+<p class="ph4">"Brick" Pomeroy.</p>
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 50%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="Brick Pomeroy.">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="60%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="10%" />
+
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>SENSE.—An illustrated vol. of fireside musings.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cl.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>NONSENSE.—An illustrated vol. of fireside musings.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cl.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>OUR SATURDAY NIGHTS.An illustrated vol. of comic sketches.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cl.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<p class="ph4">Joseph Rodman Drake.</p>
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 70%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="Joseph Rodman Drake.">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="60%" />
+ <col width="5%" />
+ <col width="30%" />
+ <col width="5%" />
+
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>THE CULPRIT FAY.—A faery poem.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cloth.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.25</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE CULPRIT FAY.—An illustrated edition. 100 exquisite illustrations.</td>
+<td class="right">4to.,</td>
+<td class="center">beautifully printed and bound.</td>
+<td class="right">$5.00</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+<p class="ph4">Children's Books—Illustrated.</p>
+
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 60%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="Children's Books—Illustrated.">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="65%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>THE ART OF AMUSING.—With 150 illustrations.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cl.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>FRIENDLY COUNSEL FOR GIRLS.—A charming book.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE CHRISTMAS FONT.—By Mary J. Holmes.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.00</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>ROBINSON CRUSOE.—A Complete edition.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>LOUIE'S LAST TERM.—By author Rutledge.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>ROUNDHEARTS, and other stories.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>PASTIMES WITH MY LITTLE FRIENDS.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>WILL-O'-THE-WISP.—From the German.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+
+<p class="ph4">M. Michelet's Remarkable Works.</p>
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 60%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="M. Michelet's Remarkable Works.">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="65%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>LOVE (L'AMOUR).—Translated from the French.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cl.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td> WOMAN (LA FEMME).—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+<p class="ph4">Ernest Renan.</p>
+
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 60%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="Ernest Renan.">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="65%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>THE LIFE OF JESUS.—Translated from the French.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cl.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE APOSTLES.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>SAINT PAUL.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+<p class="ph4">Popular Italian Novels.</p>
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 60%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="Popular Italian Novels">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="65%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>DOCTOR ANTONIO.—A love story. By Ruffini.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cl.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>BEATRICE CENCI.—By Guerrazzi, with portrait.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<p class="ph4">Rev. John Cumming, D.D., of London.</p>
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 60%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="Rev. John Cumming, D.D., of London.">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="65%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>THE GREAT TRIBULATION.—Two series.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cl.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE GREAT PREPARATION.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE GREAT CONSUMMATION.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE LAST WARNING CRY.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<p class="ph4">Mrs. Ritchie (Anna Cora Mowatt).</p>
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 60%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="Mrs. Ritchie (Anna Cora Mowatt).">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="65%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>FAIRY FINGERS.—A capital new novel.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cloth.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE MUTE SINGER.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE CLERGYMAN'S WIFE.—and other stories.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+<p class="ph4">T. S. Arthur's New Works.</p>
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 60%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="T. S. Arthur's New Works.">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="65%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>LIGHT ON SHADOWED PATHS.—A novel.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cloth.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>OUT IN THE WORLD.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>NOTHING BUT MONEY.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>OUR NEIGHBORS.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+
+<p class="ph4">Geo. W. Carleton.</p>
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 60%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="Geo. W. Carleton.">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="65%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>OUR ARTIST IN CUBA.—With 50 comic illustrations.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cloth.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>OUR ARTIST IN PERU.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>OUR ARTIST IN AFRICA.—(<i>In press</i>)</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+
+<p class="ph4">John Esten Cooke.</p>
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 60%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="John Esten Cooke.">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="65%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>FAIRFAX.—A brilliant new novel.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cloth.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>HILT TO HILT.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>HAMMER AND RAPIER.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>OUT OF THE FOAM.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+
+<p class="ph4">How to Make Money</p>
+
+
+<div class="cpoem">
+ <p>AND HOW TO KEEP IT.—A practical, readable book, that ought
+ to be in the hands of every person who wishes to earn
+ money or to keep what he has. One of the best books ever
+ published. By Thomas A. Davies. <span class="inset">12mo. cloth, $1.50</span></p>
+
+
+
+<p class="ph4">J. Cordy Jeaffreson.</p>
+
+
+
+
+ <p>A BOOK ABOUT LAWYERS.—A collection of interesting anecdotes
+ and incidents connected with the most distinguished
+ members of the Legal Profession. <span class="inset">12mo. cloth, $2.00</span></p>
+
+
+
+<p class="ph4">Fred. Saunders.</p>
+
+
+ <p>WOMAN, LOVE, AND MARRIAGE.—A charming volume about
+ three most fascinating topics. <span class="inset">12mo. cloth, $1.50</span></p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p class="ph4">Edmund Kirke.</p>
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 60%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="John Esten Cooke.">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="65%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>AMONG THE PINES.—Or Life in the South.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cloth.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>MY SOUTHERN FRIENDS.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>DOWN IN TENNESSEE.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>ADRIFT IN DIXIE.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>AMONG THE GUERILLAS.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+
+<p class="ph4">Charles Reade.</p>
+
+<div class="cpoem">
+<p>
+THE CLOISTER AND THE HEARTH.—A magnificent new novel—the best this author ever wrote. <span class="inset">8vo. cloth, $2.00</span>
+</p>
+
+
+<p class="ph4">The Opera.</p>
+
+<p>
+"TALES FROM THE OPERAS.—A collection of clever stories, based upon the plots of all the famous operas.<span class="inset">12mo. cloth, $1.50</span>
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="ph4">Robert B. Roosevelt.</p>
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 60%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="Robert B. Roosevelt.">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="65%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>THE GAME-FISH OF THE NORTH.—Illustrated.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cloth.</td>
+<td class="right">$2.00</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>SUPERIOR FISHING.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$2.00</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE GAME-BIRDS OF THE NORTH.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$2.00</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+<p class="ph4">By the Author of "Rutledge."</p>
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 60%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="Robert B. Roosevelt.">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="65%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>RUTLEDGE.—A deeply interesting novel.</td>
+<td class="right">12mo.</td>
+<td class="center">cloth.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE SUTHERLANDS.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>FRANK WARRINGTON.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>ST. PHILIP'S.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>LOUIE'S LAST TERM AT ST. MARY'S.—</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>ROUNDHEARTS AND OTHER STORIES.—For children.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>A ROSARY FOR LENT.—Devotional Readings.</td>
+<td class="right">do.</td>
+<td class="center">do.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<div class="cpoem">
+<p class="ph4">Love in Letters.</p>
+
+
+ <p>A collection of piquant love-letters. <span class="inset">12mo. cloth,</span> <span class="inset">$2.00</span></p>
+
+
+
+<p class="ph4">Dr. J. J. Craven.</p>
+
+
+ <p>THE PRISON-LIFE OF JEFFERSON DAVIS.— <span class="inset">12mo. cloth,</span> <span class="inset">$2.00</span></p>
+
+
+
+<p class="ph4">Walter Barrett, Clerk.</p>
+
+
+ <p>THE OLD MERCHANTS OF NEW YORK.— <span class="inset">Five vols. cloth,</span> <span class="inset">$10.00</span></p>
+
+
+
+<p class="ph4">H. T. Sperry.</p>
+
+
+ <p>COUNTRY LOVE <i>vs.</i> CITY FLIRTATION.— <span class="inset">12mo. cloth,</span> <span class="inset">$2.00</span></p>
+
+</div>
+
+<p class="ph4">Miscellaneous Works.</p>
+
+<table class="centered" style="width: 50%;" border="0" cellpadding="1" summary="Robert B. Roosevelt.">
+<colgroup>
+ <col width="95%" />
+ <col width="15%" />
+
+
+</colgroup>
+
+<tr>
+<td>THE HONEYMOON.—A humorous story, with illustrations.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>WOMEN AND THEATRES.—A new book, by Olive Logan.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>WARWICK.—A new novel by Mansfield Tracy Walworth.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>SIBYL HUNTINGTON.—A novel by Mrs. J. C. R. Dorr.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>LIVING WRITERS OF THE SOUTH.—By Prof. Davidson.</td>
+<td class="right">$2.00</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>STRANGE VISITORS.—A book from the Spirit World.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>MILITARY RECORD, of Appointments in the U.S. Army.</td>
+<td class="right">$5.00</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>HONOR BRIGHT.—A new American novel.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>MALBROOK.—A new American novel.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY.—A new American novel.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>ROBERT GREATHOUSE.—A new novel by John F. Swift.</td>
+<td class="right">$2.00</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE GOLDEN CROSS, and poems by Irving Van Wart, jr.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>ATHALIAH.—A new novel by Joseph H. Greene, jr.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>REGINA, and other poems.—By Eliza Cruger.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE WICKEDEST WOMAN IN NEW YORK.—By C. H. Webb.</td>
+<td class="right">50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>MONTALBAN.—A new American novel.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>MADEMOISELLE MERQUEM.—A novel by George Sand.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE IMPENDING CRISIS OF THE SOUTH.—By H. R. Helper.</td>
+<td class="right">$2.00</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>NOJOQUE—A Question for a Continent.—</td>
+<td class="right">$2.00</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>PARIS IN 1867.—By Henry Morford.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE BISHOP'S SON.—A novel by Alice Cary.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>CRUISE OF THE ALABAMA AND SUMTER.—By Capt. Semmes.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>HELEN COURTENAY.—A novel, author "Vernon Grove."</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>SOUVENIRS OF TRAVEL.—By Madame Octavia W. LeVert.</td>
+<td class="right">$2.00</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>VANQUISHED.—A novel by Agnes Leonard.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>WILL-O'-THE-WISP.—A child's book, from the German.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>FOUR OAKS.—A novel by Kamba Thorpe.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE CHRISTMAS FONT.—A child's book, by M. J. Holmes.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.00</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>POEMS, BY SARAH T. BOLTON.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>MARY BRANDEGEE.—A novel by Cuyler Pine.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>RENSHAWE.—A novel by Cuyler Pine.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>MOUNT CALVARY.—By Matthew Hale Smith.</td>
+<td class="right">$2.00</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>PROMETHEUS IN ATLANTIS.—A prophecy.</td>
+<td class="right">$2.00</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>TITAN AGONISTES.—An American novel.</td>
+<td class="right">$2.00</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE MONTANAS.—A novel by Sallie J. Hancock.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.75</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>PASTIMES WITH LITTLE FRIENDS.—Martha Haines Butt.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>TREATISE ON DEAFNESS.—By Dr. E. B. Lighthill.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>CHINA AND THE CHINESE.—By W. L. G. Smith.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE RUSSIAN BALL.—An Illustrated Satirical Poem.</td>
+<td class="right">50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>THE SNOBLACE BALL.—An Illustrated Satirical Poem.</td>
+<td class="right">50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>AN ANSWER TO HUGH MILLER.—By Thomas A. Davies.</td>
+<td class="right">$1.50</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>COSMOGONY.—By Thomas A. Davies.</td>
+<td class="right">$2.00</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>RURAL ARCHITECTURE.—By M. Field. Illustrated.</td>
+<td class="right">$2.00</td>
+</tr>
+
+</table>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Josh Billings, Hiz Sayings, by Henry Wheeler Shaw
+
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diff --git a/45365/45365-h/images/cover.jpg b/45365/45365-h/images/cover.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..86b636a --- /dev/null +++ b/45365/45365-h/images/cover.jpg diff --git a/45365/45365-h/images/end.jpg b/45365/45365-h/images/end.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5143c34 --- /dev/null +++ b/45365/45365-h/images/end.jpg diff --git a/45365/45365-h/images/i_002.jpg b/45365/45365-h/images/i_002.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f14c620 --- /dev/null +++ b/45365/45365-h/images/i_002.jpg diff --git a/45365/45365-h/images/i_026.jpg b/45365/45365-h/images/i_026.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6862e84 --- /dev/null +++ b/45365/45365-h/images/i_026.jpg diff --git a/45365/45365-h/images/i_043.jpg b/45365/45365-h/images/i_043.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ef64d20 --- /dev/null +++ b/45365/45365-h/images/i_043.jpg diff --git a/45365/45365-h/images/i_054.jpg b/45365/45365-h/images/i_054.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..93d4259 --- /dev/null +++ b/45365/45365-h/images/i_054.jpg diff --git a/45365/45365-h/images/i_080.jpg b/45365/45365-h/images/i_080.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..af2bf34 --- /dev/null +++ b/45365/45365-h/images/i_080.jpg diff --git a/45365/45365-h/images/i_104.jpg b/45365/45365-h/images/i_104.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..576c99a --- /dev/null +++ b/45365/45365-h/images/i_104.jpg diff --git a/45365/45365-h/images/i_130.jpg b/45365/45365-h/images/i_130.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..aa9b83d --- /dev/null +++ b/45365/45365-h/images/i_130.jpg diff --git a/45365/45365-h/images/i_155.jpg b/45365/45365-h/images/i_155.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bc79657 --- /dev/null +++ b/45365/45365-h/images/i_155.jpg diff --git a/45365/45365-h/images/i_181.jpg b/45365/45365-h/images/i_181.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f867c88 --- /dev/null +++ b/45365/45365-h/images/i_181.jpg diff --git a/45365/45365-h/images/i_208.jpg b/45365/45365-h/images/i_208.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0c01c2f --- /dev/null +++ b/45365/45365-h/images/i_208.jpg diff --git a/45365/45365-h/images/i_234.jpg b/45365/45365-h/images/i_234.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8a756e2 --- /dev/null +++ b/45365/45365-h/images/i_234.jpg diff --git a/45365/45365-h/images/i_244.jpg b/45365/45365-h/images/i_244.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..52aebbe --- /dev/null +++ b/45365/45365-h/images/i_244.jpg diff --git a/45365/45365-h/images/i_252.jpg b/45365/45365-h/images/i_252.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e7690e2 --- /dev/null +++ b/45365/45365-h/images/i_252.jpg diff --git a/45365/45365-h/images/i_253.jpg b/45365/45365-h/images/i_253.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f882c1c --- /dev/null +++ b/45365/45365-h/images/i_253.jpg diff --git a/45365/45365.txt b/45365/45365.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..01a969d --- /dev/null +++ b/45365/45365.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5192 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Josh Billings, Hiz Sayings, by Henry Wheeler Shaw
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Josh Billings, Hiz Sayings
+
+Author: Henry Wheeler Shaw
+
+Release Date: April 12, 2014 [EBook #45365]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOSH BILLINGS, HIZ SAYINGS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was
+produced from images generously made available by The
+Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: Josh Billings at home.--Preparing his new Lecture.]
+
+
+
+
+ JOSH BILLINGS,
+
+ Hiz Sayings.
+
+ WITH COMIC ILLUSTRATIONS.
+
+ [Illustration]
+
+ NEW YORK:
+ _Carleton, Publisher, Madison Square._
+
+ LONDON: S. LOW, SON & CO.
+ M DCCC LXX.
+
+
+
+
+ Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1865, by
+ G. W. CARLETON,
+
+ In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the Southern District of
+ New York
+
+
+
+
+ TO
+ DEAKON URIAH BILLINGS,
+
+ (A man ov menny virtues, and sum vices) this book
+ iz completely dedikated--and may he hav
+ the strength tew stand it.
+
+ Hiz own nephew,
+ JOSHUA BILLINGS
+
+Tred litely, dear reader, for the ^way iz ruff. This book waz got up
+tew sell, but if it don't prove tew be a sell, I shan't worry about it.
+
+ J. BILLINGS.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+
+ Page.
+
+ I. JOSH BILLINGS ON THE MULE. 13
+
+ II. JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE. 15
+
+ III. REMARKS. 17
+
+ IV. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 19
+
+ V. A TABLOWS IN 4 ACKS. 22
+
+ VI. FEMALE EDDIKASHUN. 25
+
+ VII. DEPOZETIONS. 28
+
+ VIII. WAR AND ARMY PHRAZES. 31
+
+ IX. PASHUNCE OV JOB. 34
+
+ X. FRIENDLY LETTER. 35
+
+ XI. AFFURISIMS. 37
+
+ XII. JOSH BILLINGS ON CATS. 40
+
+ XIII. REMARKS. 43
+
+ XIV. JOSH BILLINGS ADDRESSES THE BILLINGSVILLE
+ SOWING SOSIETY. 45
+
+ XV. NOSHUNS. 47
+
+ XVI. SAYINS. 51
+
+ XVII. REMARKS. 53
+
+ XVIII. THE DEVIL'S PUTTY AND VARNISH. 56
+
+ XIX. MANIFEST DESTINY 59
+
+ XX. ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS. 62
+
+ XXI. ON DOGS. 64
+
+ XXII. SAYINGS OF JOSH BILLINGS. 67
+
+ XXIII. FASHION. 70
+
+ XXIV. REMARKS. 73
+
+ XXV. PROVERBIAL PIG. 75
+
+ XXVI. PROVERBS. 77
+
+ XXVII. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 79
+
+ XXVIII. PROVERBS OF THE BILLINGS FAMILY. 82
+
+ XXIX. A FU REMARKS. 85
+
+ XXX. A LEKTURE TEW MALE YUNG MEN ONLY. 87
+
+ XXXI. CLEVER FELLOWS. 90
+
+ XXXII. AFFERISIMS. 92
+
+ XXXIII. ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS. 94
+
+ XXXIV. A SHORT AND VERY AFFEKTING ESSA
+ ON MAN. 97
+
+ XXXV. THE RASE KOARSE. 100
+
+ XXXVI. "GIV THE DEVIL HIZ DUE." 106
+
+ XXXVII. WATCH DOGS. 108
+
+ XXXVIII. ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS. 110
+
+ XXXIX. REMARKS. 113
+
+ XL. AN ESSA ONTO MUSIK. 117
+
+ XLI. "MAN WAZ MADE TEW MOURN." 120
+
+ XLII. PROVERBS. 122
+
+ XLIII. KISSING CONSIDERED. 124
+
+ XLIV. FOR A FU MINNITS AMONG THE SPEERITS. 128
+
+ XLV. SAYINGS. 131
+
+ XLVI. JOSH GOES TO LONG BRANCH. 133
+
+ XLVII. TO MY LADY CORRESPONDENTS. 137
+
+ XLVIII. ON WIDDERS. 140
+
+ XLIX. THINGS THAT I DON'T HANKER AFTER
+ TO SEE. 143
+
+ L. ON COURTING. 145
+
+ LI. REMARKS. 149
+
+ LII. THE FAULT FINDER. 152
+
+ LIII. PROVERBS. 154
+
+ LIV. KOLIDING. 156
+
+ LV. ON SNAIKS AND MUDTURKLES. 157
+
+ LVI. TRUE BILLS. 161
+
+ LVII. NARRATIF. 163
+
+ LVIII. PHOTOGRAPHS. 167
+
+ LIX. AFFERISIMS. 169
+
+ LX. JOSH GITS ORFULLY BIT. 172
+
+ LXI. THINGS THAT SUIT ME. 174
+
+ LXII. MY FIRST GONG. 176
+
+ LXIII. PROVERBS. 178
+
+ LXIV. DISIPLIN IZ EVRATHING--IN 2 PARTS. 181
+
+ LXV. CORRESPONDENTS. 183
+
+ LXVI. JOSH BILLINGS AT SARATOGA SPRINGS. 186
+
+ LXVII. NOT ENNY SHANGHI FOR ME. 189
+
+ LXVIII. IS DISPOSING OF THINGS FOR CHARITABLE
+ PURPOSES BI "LOT" A SIN. 191
+
+ LXIX. ADVERTIZEMENT. 193
+
+ LXX. OUT WEST. 196
+
+ LXXI. SAYINS. 198
+
+ LXXII. A WIMMIN'S LEAGUE MEETIN. 200
+
+ LXXIII. A TRUE FISH STORY FOUNDED ON FAK. 203
+
+ LXXIV. AT SARATOGA SPRINGS. 205
+
+ LXXV. SPIRITUAL BELIEF OV THE BILLINGSES. 208
+
+ LXXVI. JOSH BILLINGS CORRESPONDS WITH A
+ "HAIR OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN." 209
+
+ LXXVII. PROVERBS. 213
+
+ LXXVIII. DOMESTIK RECEIPTS IN FULL. 216
+
+ LXXIX. FAKS. 218
+
+ LXXX. ON LECTURES. 219
+
+ LXXXI. YANKEE NOSHUNS. 222
+
+ LXXXII. ATTENTION! SQUAD! 224
+
+ LXXXIII. THE FUST BABY. 226
+
+ LXXXIV. LAUGHING. 228
+
+ LXXXV. PIONEERS. 229
+
+
+
+
+JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+
+
+I.
+
+JOSH BILLINGS ON THE MULE.
+
+
+The mule is haf hoss, and haf Jackass, and then kums tu a full stop,
+natur diskovering her mistake. Tha weigh more, akordin tu their heft,
+than enny other kreetur, except a crowbar. Tha kant hear enny quicker,
+nor further than the hoss, yet their ears are big enuff for snow shoes.
+You kan trust them with enny one whose life aint worth enny more than
+the mules. The only wa tu keep them into a paster, is tu turn them
+into a medder jineing, and let them jump out. Tha are reddy for use,
+just as soon as they will du tu abuse. Tha haint got enny friends, and
+will live on huckel berry brush, with an ockasional chanse at Kanada
+thissels. Tha are a modern invenshun, i dont think the Bible deludes tu
+them at tall. Tha sel for more money than enny other domestik animile.
+Yu kant tell their age by looking into their mouth, enny more than you
+kould a Mexican cannons. Tha never hav no dissease that a good club
+wont heal. If tha ever die tha must kum rite tu life agin, for i never
+herd nobody sa "ded mule." Tha are like sum men, very korrupt at harte;
+ive known them tu be good mules for 6 months, just tu git a good chanse
+to kick sumbody. I never owned one, nor never mean to, unless there is
+a United Staits law passed, requiring it. The only reason why tha are
+pashunt, is bekause tha are ashamed ov themselfs. I have seen eddikated
+mules in a sirkus. Tha kould kick, and bite, tremenjis. I would not sa
+what I am forced tu sa again the mule, if his birth want an outrage,
+and man want tu blame for it. Enny man who is willing tu drive a mule,
+ought to be exempt by law from running for the legislatur. Tha are the
+strongest creeturs on earth, and heaviest, ackording tu their sise; I
+herd tell ov one who fell oph from the tow path, on the Eri kanawl, and
+sunk as soon as he touched bottom, but he kept rite on towing the boat
+tu the nex stashun, breathing thru his ears, which stuck out ov the
+water about 2 feet 6 inches; i did'nt see this did, but an auctioneer
+told me ov it, and i never knew an auctioneer tu lie unless it was
+absolutely convenient.
+
+
+
+
+II.
+
+JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE.
+
+
+I kum to the conclusion, lately, that life waz so onsartin, that the
+only wa for me tu stand a fair chance with other folks, was to git my
+life insured, and so i kalled on the Agent of the "Garden Angel life
+insurance Co.," and answered the following questions, which waz put tu
+me over the top ov a pair of goold specks, by a slik little fat old
+feller, with a little round gray head, and az pretty a little belly on
+him az enny man ever owned:--
+
+
+QUESTIONS.
+
+1st--Are yu mail or femail? if so, Pleze state how long you have been
+so.
+
+2d--Are yu subjec tu fits, and if so, do yu hav more than one at a time?
+
+3d--What is yure precise fiteing weight?
+
+4th--Did yu ever have enny ancestors, and if so, how much?
+
+5th--What iz yure legal opinion ov the constitutionality ov the 10
+commandments!
+
+6th--Du yu ever hav enny nite mares?
+
+7th--Are you married and single, or are yu a Bachelor?
+
+8th--Do yu beleave in a futer state? if yu du, state it.
+
+9th--What are yure private sentiments about a rush ov rats tu the head;
+can it be did successfully?
+
+10th--Hav yu ever committed suiside, and if so, how did it seem to
+affect yu?
+
+After answering the above questions, like a man in the confirmatif, the
+slik little fat old fellow with goold specks on, ced I was insured for
+life, and proberly would remain so for a term ov years. I thanked him,
+and smiled one ov my moste pensive smiles.
+
+
+
+
+III.
+
+REMARKS.
+
+
+Tha tell me that them who hav the _harte diseaze_ are liable tu di at
+enny time, but i hav known thousands tew reach a mean old age with it.
+
+
+Fust appearances are ced tu be everything. I dont put all mi fathe into
+this saying; i think oysters and klams, for instanze, will bear looking
+into.
+
+
+It strains a man's philosophee the wust kind tew laff when he gits beat.
+
+
+Love aint one ov the vartues, bekauze it kant be controlled.
+
+
+Wimmin are like flowers, a little dust ov squeezing makes them the more
+fragrant.
+
+Charitee kant alwus be administered delikately. If you want to
+extrikate a crab from a dilemmer, yu hav got to take holt ov him just
+rite.
+
+
+Men liv tu a _ripe_ old age bi keeping _green_.
+
+
+Dont hav enny more sekrets than yu kan keep yureself.
+
+
+"Truth is mitey and will prevail;" so iz cider mitey, but yu hav got
+tew tap the barrell before it will prevale.
+
+
+
+
+IV.
+
+ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
+
+
+"_Amelia._"--Yure inquiry, about the moste best time tu marry, dus yu
+grate credit, it iz a subject which i hav swet over a good deal, and i
+am real glad you spoke about it, mi spase wont allow me tu go into the
+thing, clean up to the hub, az i wud like tu, but in a few wurds, i
+will sa, i hav alwus considered cool weather, the moste best time.
+
+
+_"Fred."_--Yu aint obliged tu ask a gals mother, if yu ma go home
+with her from a partee, git the gals endorsement, and sale in; it iz
+proper enuff tu ask her tu take yure arm, but you haint got no rite tu
+put yure arm around her waste, unless yu meet a Bear on the rode, and
+then yu are bound tu take yure arm away, just az soon az the Bear gits
+safely by.
+
+
+"_Whip._"--Yu are rite. Mules live tu a long age, iv'e known them
+miself, tu live 100 years, and not half tri. Yu are rite also, about
+their being sure footed, iv'e known them tu kick a man, twise in a
+sekund, 10 feet oph.
+
+
+"_Gertrude._"--Yure inquiry stumps me, the darndest. The more i think
+on it, the more i kant tell. Az near az i kan rekolek now, i think i
+dont kno. Much mite be ced both ways, and neether wa be rite. Upon the
+whole i rather reckon i wud, or i wuddent, jist az i thought best, or
+otherwise.
+
+
+"_Plutark._"--Yu'are mistaken, the Shakers dont marry. If young
+Shakers fall in luv tha are sot tu weeding onions, and that kures them
+forthwithly. I kant tell yu now, how much it dus kost tu jine the
+Shakers but i beleave the expenze used tu be, inkluding having yure
+hair cut and larning how tu danse, about $65,00. I disreckoleckt what
+their religun iz, but if mi memry sarves me rite, it iz making almitey
+good brooms, and sellin devilish poor grape cuttings, for 75 cents a
+foot.
+
+
+"_Sportsman._"--Yure inquiry iz not edzackly in mi line, but i haste
+tu repli, as follers, to wit: The rite length tu cut oph a dog's tale
+haz never yet bin fully diskovered, but iz undoubtedly somewhare bak ov
+hiz ears, provided yu git the dog's consent. N. B.--It aint absolutely
+necessara the dog's consent should be in riteing.
+
+
+"_Kate._"--I think Lord Biron waz the author ov the lines yu speke ov;
+'twas either him or 'twas Captain Kid, one or tother. Biron waz dredful
+limber at riteing potri, so waz Kidd, but Biron waz the limberest.
+
+
+
+
+V.
+
+A TABLOWS IN 4 ACKS
+
+
+_Ack Fust._--Enter a lap dorg, carrying a boarding skool miss in his
+arms, about 16 hands high--it makes the dorg puff--the dorg lays down
+the boarding skool miss, and orders mint juleks for 2, with the usual
+suckshun. The dorg begins tew loll, the boarding skool miss tells
+him "tew dri up," (in French,) and the dorg sez "he be darned if he
+will," (in Dorg.) [Grate sensashun among the awjence, with cries, "put
+him out!"] Finally a compromize iz affected, the boarding skool miss
+kisses the dorg, with tears in his eyes. Konlusion--Lap dorg diskovers
+a wicked flee at work on his tale--pursues him--round and round tha
+go--dorg a leettle ahead--sumbody hollers out, "mad dorg!"--boarding
+skool girl faints standing--the curtin drops.
+
+_Ack number 2._--Curtin highsts--sevral blind men in the distanse,
+looking thru a key whole--one ov them sez, "he don't see it!"
+A shanghi ruseter cums out, with epaulets on, and crows Yankee
+Doodle--musik bi the band. The shanghi lays an egg on the stage, about
+the size ov a wasps nest, and then limps oph, very much tired and
+redused. Curtin falls agin.
+
+_Ack number 3._--Curtin rizes sloly--big bolona sarsage on a
+tabel--bolona sarsage lifts up her hed, and begins tew bark--band plays
+"Old Dorg Tray." Cat cums in--cat's tail begins tew swell bad--bolona
+sarsage and cat haz a fite--tha fite 14 rounds--the stage iz covered
+with cats and dorgs. Konlusion--tha awl jine hands, and walk tew the
+foot lights--an old Bull Tarrier reads the President's call for "300,
+000 more"--band plays "Go in Lemons!"--a bell rings, and the curtin
+drops.
+
+_Ack number 4._--A scene on the Eri kanall--a terribel storm rages--the
+kanall acks bad--sevral line botes go down hed fust, with awl their
+boarders on board--kant make a lee shore--tha drag their ankers--sum
+ov the kaptins tri tew pra, but moste ov them hav the best luck at
+swareing--the water iz strewd with pots and kittles--sevral ov the cook
+maids swim ashore, with their cook stoves in their teeth--tha hav tew
+draw oph the kanal tew stop the storm. Konlusion--men are seen along
+on the banks ov the kanall spearing ded hosses and eels--band plays "a
+life on the oshun wave." Amid tremduous applauze the curtin falls, and
+the awjence disperce, single file.
+
+[Illustration: Josh Billings' advice.
+
+and
+
+Answers to Correspondents.--_See pages_ 19, 20.]
+
+
+
+
+VI.
+
+FEMALE EDDIKASHUN.
+
+
+Thare iz so mutch ced about the importanze ov female eddikashun, now a
+daze, that a near-sighted person wud suppoze that wimmin was running
+tu waist. The more that wimmin ar elevated, the more men ar histed
+up too, so tha sa, and them who maik this statement, ain't fur from
+out ov the wa fur men hav bin clus after the wimmin, ever sinse humin
+beins waz perpetrated. Dear reader, dear, don't be maid a fool uv, by
+beleaving for the space ov a half-grown seckond, that Josh Billings,
+(more properly Joshua Billings, Esq.,) don't love, respeck, adore, and
+worship the sex, and ain't willing tu fite, even with the belly-ake
+onto him, two hundred pounds ov any kind ov man, in behalf ov enny
+vartuous, and worthy, or even good-looking woman.
+
+I beleave in femail eddikashun, clear up tu the handle, provided
+the woman hankers for it, but if she don't hanker for it, i kant
+see why she shud be histed up into a posishun, where men has got to
+cease luving her, just in proposhun az tha are asked to wonder at
+her. Tha tell us that thare aint enny posishun that man kan fill, but
+what wimmin kan fill it tu; but iz that enny reson why it iz best to
+prove it. I haven't enny doubt, that you could eddicate wimmin so
+muchly, that tha wouldn't kno enny more about getting dinner, than
+sum ministers ov the gospil kno about preaching, and while tha mite
+translate one ov Virgils ecklogs tu a spot, tha couldn't translate a
+baby out ov a kradle, without letting it cum apart.
+
+I hold that natur haz its laws and programmy, all the wa down, from
+the biling over ov a volkano tu the wiggle ov a lam's tale.--Suppose
+you shud take 100 yung injuns and eddikate them tu the highest
+pint, and then turn them luce! 95 ov them wud throw a blanket ontu
+their shoulders, bid fair-well tu civilizashun, and dive intu the
+wildnerness; the uther 5 wud wander about among the pail faces, az far
+from hum az a Bufferlo wud be among a herd ov short tailed durhams.
+I believe in femail eddikashun, but i had ruther a woman cud beet me
+nussing a baby than tu feel that she cud beet me or enny other man in
+a stump speech or a lektur on veteranara praktiss.
+
+If Billings understands human natur, and he thinks he duz, thare aint
+nothing that a true woman luvs more than the hole ov a man's harte;
+and, in order tu git this, she haz got tu kno less than he duz, or maik
+him think so. I thank the lord that thare aint menny wimmin in the
+wurld who want tu know evry thing. I kalkerlate that 9 out ov evry 10
+ov the wimmin who luv their huzbands and glory in their children, will
+sa that tha had ruther be looked down upon in luving tenderniss than tu
+be looked up tu in silent aw.
+
+If Josh Billings haz ced a wurd, in what he haz now rit, wich iz
+kalkulated tu damp the arder ov one single aspirin' woman, he iz reddy
+tu shed tears, but i hav alwus thort that the very highly eddikated
+wimmin work best in single harniss. In konklusion, i sa, elevate the
+wimmin, but if their heds and their hartes bekum antagonicks in the
+operashun, i shall continner tu think that luv, swapped for wizdom, iz
+a doutful gain to the wimmin and a pozatif loss to us poor mail-claid
+devils. Mi christian friends, ajew!
+
+
+
+
+VII.
+
+DEPOZETIONS.
+
+
+Josh Billings being duly sworn deposes as follows.
+
+ That, John Brown haz halted a fu days for refreshment.
+
+ That, moste men had ruther sa a smart thing than tew dew a good one.
+
+ That, baksliding iz a big thing, espeshila on ice.
+
+ That, a live traitor smells wuss than a ded one.
+
+ That, there iz 2 things in this life for which we are never fully
+ prepared, and that iz twins.
+
+ That, yu kant judge a man bi hiz religgun eny more than yu kan judge
+ hiz shurt bi the size ov the collar and ristbands.
+
+ That, the devil iz alwus prepared tew see kompany.
+
+ That, it iz treating a man like a dog tew cut him oph short in hiz
+ narrative.
+
+ That, "ignoranse iz bliss," ignoranse of sawing wood, for instanse.
+
+ That, menny will fale tew be saved simpla bekause tha haint got
+ ennything tew saive.
+
+ That, the vartues ov woman are awl her own, but her frailities hav bin
+ taught her.
+
+ That, dry _pastors_ are the best for flocks; flocks ov sheep i mean.
+
+ That, men ov genius are like eagles, tha live on what tha kill, while
+ men ov talents are like crows, tha live on what haz bin killed for
+ them.
+
+ That, some peoples are fond ov bragging about their ansesstors, and
+ their grate descent, when in fack, their _grate descent_ iz jist
+ what's the matter ov them.
+
+ That, a woman kant keep a sekret nor let ennybody else keep one.
+
+ That, "a little larning iz a dangerous thing"; this iz az tru az it iz
+ common.
+
+ That, sider brandee taken inwardly in large quantitys iz good--for a
+ rat hole.
+
+ That, a grate menny folks have bin eddikated oph from their feet.
+
+
+
+
+VIII.
+
+WAR AND ARMY PHRAZES.
+
+
+ "A suckcessful Rade,"--cutting oph a turnpike within the enama's
+ lines, and bringing in a blind mule, and 2 niggers tu board.
+
+ "Reserv'd Korps,"--this i take it means our ophisers; who die at the
+ tavern stands, and are stuffed, and cent home tu berry.
+
+ "Bace of supplize,"--Unkle Samuel's pocket-Book.
+
+ "Pickitts,"--these are surplus chaps, who ar cent out tu borry
+ turbacker, and to see if the kussed rebels hav got enny pass.
+
+ "An Armstise,"--giving the enema tu chances tu git licked instead ov
+ one.
+
+ "Militara Stratergee,"--trying to reduse a swamp by ketching the
+ bilyus fever out ov it.
+
+ "Lite Hoss Calvary,"--picked men who ride the hosses tu drink, when
+ tha git thin.
+
+ "Rekrutin Ophisers,"--individuals who are cent into the rural
+ destriks, on a furlong, to rekrute--themselfs.
+
+ "Armee Rashuns,"--back pay, and preserved beef!
+
+ "Quartring on the enemee,"--this phraze is defunkted, bekaze its
+ contraree tu Hoyle.
+
+ "War Hoops,"--jist the things fur a hot da, the injuns used tu hav
+ them.
+
+ "Corte Marshall,"--where tha tri the misdemeners out ov an ophiser, so
+ that he'll du to promoat.
+
+ "Forage Partee,"--Them who goes out to kech a hastack, and gits lost
+ in a forage ov treeze and haint been herd from sinse.
+
+ "On tu Richmond,"--that's tu sa if the kussed rebels will allow it.
+
+ "Parralel lines,"--are them kind of lines that never cum together.
+
+ "Militara necessita,"--ten ophisers and a gallon ov whiski to every
+ three privates.
+
+ "Onluce the dogs ov war;"--but muzzle the darn kritters; if you don't,
+ somebody will get hurt.
+
+ "War of Exterminashun,"--this fraze belongs holey tu the Kommissara
+ Department.
+
+ "Advance Gard,"--this is a gard tha hav tu hav in our army tu keep our
+ fellers from pichin in tu the enema frontwards.
+
+ "Rere Gard,"--this is a gard that hav tu keep our fellers, when tha
+ are surrounded from pitching intu the enema backwards.
+
+ "Awl quiet on the Potermuck,"--this shows what perfect subjekshun our
+ fellers are under.
+
+
+
+
+IX
+
+PASHUNCE OV JOB.
+
+
+Evryboddy iz in the habit ov bragging on Job, and Job did hav
+konsiderable bile pashunce, that's a fac, but did he ever keep a
+distrik skule for 8 dollars a month, and borde 'round? Did he ever reap
+lodged oats down hill in a hot da, and hav all hiz gallus buttons bust
+oph at once? Did he ever hav the jumpin teethake, and be made tu tend
+baby while hiz wife was over tu Perkinses tu a teasquall? Did he ever
+git up in the morning awful dri and turf it 3 miles befoar brekfast tu
+git a drink, and find that the man kep a tempranse hous? Did he ever
+undertaik tu milk a kicking hefer with a bushy tail, in fli time, out
+in the lot? Did he ever sot down onto a litter ov kittens in the old
+rockin cheer, with hiz summer pantyloons on without saing "damnashun!"
+If he cud du all theze things, and praze the Lord at the same time, all
+i hav got tu sa, iz, _Bully for Job_!
+
+
+
+
+X.
+
+FRIENDLY LETTER.
+
+
+FRIEND ELIAS:--You ask me menny questions about the draft that
+bothers me. It iz curis how it duz act, but it waz jist so in scripter
+times, "2 wimmin waz at a mill a grinding (corn i reckon), one waz
+took, and t'other want took." There aint enny dout but the draft iz
+for 3 years, or thereabouts, but i think a person would hav a rite to
+sell out hiz chanse at enny time during the 3 years, or thereabouts,
+for a premium, provided he could show tu the government that he waz
+conscientzly oppozed tu hard tak and bilyus fever.
+
+Again: Aleyens aint liable for the draft, espeshila if tha cum from the
+city ov Ireland, and hav bin in the habit, for the laste 5 years, ov
+voting the democratic ticket.
+
+Againly: Widder-wimmin, and their only son iz exempt, provided the
+widder's husband haz alreddy sarved 2 years in the war, and iz willing
+tu go agin, i beleave the supreme corte haz desided this thing forever.
+
+Onse more: If a drafted man shud run awa with hiz draft, he proberly
+wouldn't ever be allowed to stand a draft agin, this looks severe at
+fust site, but the more yu look at it, the more yu can see the wisdom
+into it.
+
+Onse morely: Xempts are thoze who hav bin drafted into the stait
+prizzen, for triing tu git an honest living bi supporting 2 wives at
+onst; also, all them people who are crazee, and unsound on the goose;
+also, all nusepaper korrespondents and fools in general.
+
+Onse morely again: No substidude will be acksepted, who iz less than
+3, or more than 10 feet high, he must know how to chaw terbacker and
+drink whiskee, and must'nt be afeered ov the itch nor the rebels. Moral
+Karakter aint required, the government furnishes that, and rashuns.
+
+Conclusively: No person kan be drafted but twice in 2 different plases
+without hiz consent, but awl men haz a rite tu be drafted at least
+onst; i don't think even a rit ov habus corpus could deprive a man ov
+this laste, blessed privlege.
+
+
+
+
+XI.
+
+AFFURISMS.
+
+
+ Truth iz the onla thing I kno ov that kant be improved upon.
+
+ If yu want tew git a sure krop, and a big yield for the seed, sow
+ wilde oats.
+
+ An insult tew one man iz an insult tew aul men.
+
+ Cunning is curiosity satisfied, and curiosity satisfied iz wisdom.
+
+ Wize men don't expeck tu do away with the visisitudes ov life, they
+ onla expeck tew blunt the edge ov them.
+
+ Yu kan gorge avaris, but ambishun knows no gorge but the grave.
+
+ A sarkastic wit iz a kind ov human pole-cat.
+
+ If thare is enny thing on this arth that angels kant imitate 'tis a
+ vartuous yung man trampling temtashun under hiz feet.
+
+ I had rather be a reseiver ov stolen goods than the keeper ov men's
+ sekrets.
+
+ Fame iz jist about az mutch use tew a ded man as 5.20's wud be,
+ interest payable in goold.
+
+ Sum people hav the power ov saing a good deal in a fu words, while
+ others hav the power ov saing a little in a good menny wurds.
+
+ Slander iz played on a tin horn, while truth steals forth like the
+ dieing song ov a lute.
+
+ Yu kan judge ov sum men's karakters onla bi what they eat and drink.
+
+ "Truth iz stranger than ficshun"--that iz tew sum folks.
+
+ I hav found a grate menny things in this wurld that waz _free_--free
+ az a well tew git into, but like a rat trap, not edzackly free tu git
+ out ov.
+
+ "Meet me bi moonlite alone," iz awl well enuff under sum
+ circumstances; but moonlite me for meat alone, iz not so well ennuff,
+ under enny circumstances.
+
+ I don't kno ov but one thing on arth that kan improve a good wife, and
+ that iz buty.
+
+ After you hav made up yure mind jist what you are going to du, then iz
+ a good time tew dew it.
+
+ We often hear ov men, who hav cum within an inch ov dieing, and i
+ haint enny dout thare iz sum, that evry boddy wuld lik tew hear had
+ cum within an inch ov bein born.
+
+ "The lapse ov ages," iz a pleasant thing tew dwell upon, but after
+ awl, verry mutch depends upon the ages ov the laps.
+
+ It iz not differkult tew find augers that wont bore, but yu seldom cum
+ across a bore that wont auger.
+
+ "Faith that iz founded on an arnest and truthful convickshun, iz
+ butiful tu behold; but faith that iz founded simpla on courage, aint
+ enny thing more than good grit."
+
+
+
+
+XII.
+
+JOSH BILLINGS ON CATS.
+
+
+[Illustration: Josh Billings on Cats.--_See page_ 40.]
+
+I hav studdyed cats clussly for years, and hav found them adikted tew a
+wild state. Tha haint got affekshun, nor vartues ov enny kind, tha will
+skratch their best friends, and wont ketch mice unless tha are hungry.
+It haz bin sed that tha are good tu make up into sassages; but this
+iz a grate mistake, i hav bin told bi a sassage maker that tha dont
+kompare with dogs. Thare is one thing sartin, tha are verry anxious
+tew liv, yu ma turn one inside out, and hang him up bi the tale, and
+az soon az yu are out ov sight, he will manage tew turn back summerset
+and cum around awl rite in a fu days. It iz verry hard wurk tew looze
+a cat. If one gits carried oph in a bag bi mistake a grate ways into
+the kuntry, tha wont sta lost onla a short time, but soon appear tew
+make the family happy with their presence. Old maids are very fond
+ov cats, for the reason i suppose that cats never marry if tha hav
+ever so good a chanse. Thare iz one thing about cats i dont like, if
+yu step on their tales by acksident tha git mad rite oph, and make a
+grate fuss about it. Thare iz anuther thing about them which makes them
+a good investment for poor folks. A pair ov cats will yield each year,
+without any outlay, something like eight hundred per cat. It iz a verry
+singular fack that cats dont like a mill-pond, i never knu one tew git
+drowned bi acksident. Tha luv cream, but it seems tew be agin their
+religgun tew tutch soap. Cats and dogs have never bin able tew agree
+on the main question, tha both seem tew want the affirmatiff side to
+onst. I think if i could hav mi way thare wouldn't be enny more cats
+born unless tha could sho a certifikate ov good moral karakter. Thare
+is one more thing about cats which seems tew me tew be awl affektashun,
+and that iz making sich a devlish noise under a fellers window nights,
+and then kall it musik. If i waz tew hav mi choise between a cat and a
+striped snake, i would take the snake bekause I could git rid ov the
+snake bi letting him go. Thare aint no sartin wa tew kill a cat, if yu
+git one wurked up into sassage, and yu think yu are awl right, jist
+az likely az not tha will cum to and take off a whole lot of good
+sassage with them.--Theze are mi views about cats, rather hastily hove
+together, and if i haint said enuff agin them it iz onla bekause i lack
+the informashun.
+
+
+
+
+XIII.
+
+REMARKS.
+
+
+ Impudense iz the affek ov tew _little_ knollege, and modesta, iz az
+ often the affek ov tew _mutch_.
+
+ We dont question a persons rite tew be a fule, but if he klaims
+ wisdom, we kompare it with our own.
+
+ Not one man in a thousand iz known while living, yet awl expeck tew be
+ well remembered, when tha are ded.
+
+ Men are very often ashamed tu tell the truth, bekause tha dont kno how.
+
+ Moste ov the advise we reseave from others, iz not so mutch an
+ evidense ov their affeckshun for us, az it iz an evidense ov their
+ affeckshun for themselves.
+
+ Aul ov us komplain ov the shortness ov life, yet we all waste more
+ time than we uze.
+
+ Aboutaz good a wa az enny tew be happee, iz tew pity thoze who are
+ below us, and forgit that there iz enny boddy above us.
+
+ Wit iz a pleasant surprize ov Truth.
+
+ No man haz a rite tu be proud till he bekums entirely vartuous, and
+ then he wont feel like being proud.
+
+ The power ov oratory lays more in the manner, than in the matter;
+ yu kant reduse it tew riting, enny more than yu kan pla a streak ov
+ lightning on a hand organ.
+
+ Sum folks when tha fite, will throw the fust brik bat tha kan git hold
+ ov, jist so sum folks will du when tha argy.
+
+ Epitaff--here lies John Ferguson, Esq., died wurth half a
+ million--less the kingdom ov heaven.
+
+ Avaris eats up all the good things in a man, and then feeds on his
+ vices.
+
+
+
+
+XIV.
+
+JOSH BILLINGS ADDRESSES THE "FEMAIL BILLINGSVILLE SOWING SOSIETY."
+
+
+FELLER SISTERS:--When I caste mi eye on a sirkle of luvely
+wimmin bizzy with their needles, mi harte seems tew stretch clean
+akross mi buzzum. And when i reflek for a minnit, that tha are tew
+work for nothing, and find themselfs, and that a yung heathin stans
+reddy yelping around the corner, for the very shirt tha are wurking
+on, it duz seem tu me, that i cud shout hozzanner for 3 weeks on a
+strech. Feller Sisters, yu kan kount on Josh Billings az a frend; he
+luves charitee, az a pup hankers for nu milk; his verry natur looks out
+onto the horizen ov the poor folks, jist as the lite ov a tin lantern
+shines akross a bog meddow. And he sees the little bare bak yung ones
+shivering for a krust ov bread, and hungry for a shirt; then he looks
+at the Sisters, a talking and sowing, and sowing and talking, and he
+kounts a hole parcil ov little shirts on the tabil, and then he thinks
+ov the widders cruise, and the bred hove onto the waters, menshioned
+in the good Book, and he feels jist az tho he wud like tew own awl
+the femail sowing sosieties in the wurld hisself, and put hiz hole
+fortin in the little reddy made cottin shirt bizziness. Oh Charitee!
+Oh Charitee! When Josh Billings communes with you, he feals az tho he
+had jist been tried out, and sot awa tew cool. Feller Sisters don't
+be skeered, let the ritch and the hawty stik up their nozes, and let
+the eddicated larf. Josh wud like no better fun than jiss to bet his
+9 dollars, that enny Sister, in full communion with this ere sowing
+sosiety, who puts in full time, and cuts the cotting tew advantage, wil
+git her final reward. Tew konklude, Feller Sisters, pitch in; remember
+Mr. Lots wife, she that was salted for looken bak. Cum together arly,
+and oftin, buy yure cottin by the pease; be keerful how yu deal out
+youre shirts, for thare iz evry now and then a bogus heathin. Stan
+bi yure konstitushion, and bi laws, dew awl this, and the "Femail
+Billingsville Sowing Sosiety" will go down tew futer prosterita, like a
+wide-awake torchlite possession. I bid yu tenderla ajew.
+
+
+
+
+XV.
+
+NOSHUNS.
+
+
+YANKEE NOSHUNS.
+
+In gazeing at the different kind ov noshuns that prevale jist now,
+we are struck with the vitality, and permiskuousness, ov the Yankee
+noshuns. These are a kind ov noshuns that reside in Nu England, but
+travel awl over the world. They are for the present known az the lead
+gimblet, the basswood sperm-kandle, and the sole leather juise harp
+noshun, relieved at times, by the hickory lossenge, the charkole led
+pensil, and the lard bears ile noshun, and okasionally interlined, tew
+keep up the appetite, with paper razor straps, plaster-paris sheep
+shears, and the sour milk opedeldock noshun, which iz warranted tew
+kure the attack ov a 50 cent shinplaster, in 4 seckunds; to which has
+lately bin added pewter jak knives, with pork rhine handles, and itch
+intement, made out ov strong butter, and lamblak. Yankee noshuns are
+the affek ov tew mutch genius.
+
+
+HOSS NOSHUNS.
+
+It iz really curis how folks differ in their noshuns about hosses, sum
+wants a bob-tailed hoss, and sum dont, sum wants a bay, and sum wants a
+yaller, and sum wants any culler so bad that they hav tew be sent tew
+state prizon, tew be healed ov their pashion for the nobel animal, the
+hoss. I knu ov one old feller who waz very noshunal, he wouldn't hav a
+hoss only jist so high, he never stabled him, and let him git hiz own
+fodder, he kept him for 47 years, and the hoss outlived him, the last
+time I saw the hoss he waz alive, but poor az wood; the old feller
+called the hoss "saw-buck," and sed he waz sired bi carpenter, out ov a
+white ash skantling. Hoss noshuns are well enuff, but they never ought
+tew be allowed tew interfere with a man's final salvashun.
+
+
+RUM NOSHUNS.
+
+[Illustration: Josh Billings on trotting horses.--_See page 63._]
+
+Perhaps thare iz no subjek that moste men agree on so well bi the
+gallon, but when it comes down tew a drink, that they are so full ov
+noshuns about, az their rum. I hav seen lots ov old-fashioned people,
+who never thought ov drinking tanzy, unless they put rum into it,
+and wouldn't no more drink a gin-coktale without nutmeg on the top ov
+it, than they would skim milk. Then agin their iz sum who must hav
+Jamaka, or the bronkeetis, one, or tuther; and sum who must hav the
+belly-ake 3 or 4 times a day, or they kant relish brandee and sugar.
+But thare waz one beardless boy, over whose hed skase 14 summers
+had melted, who beats them awl, he aktually hove a fust class mint
+julek away, and called for anuther, jist bekause it wouldn't suk fast
+enuff, through the straw; I call this letting a man's good sense git
+the better ov his judgment. Rum noshuns are like gitting struk with
+litening, the theory iz well enuff, but the praktis is a bad one tew
+git into.
+
+
+RELIGIOUS CREED NOSHUNS.
+
+The idee that thare iz onla one way tew git tew Heaven iz awl rong,
+but the idee that there iz but one Heaven tew git tew, iz awl right.
+Az a gineral thing nations go tew war for the most ornary things, so
+men will fite the wust kind, for a religious noshun, that they hain't
+got the fust smell of. I dont care, for mi part, whether a man iz a
+piscopaleyen, or a soft shell baptiss, nor I don't think the Lord duz
+nuther. Religious creed noshuns for man, are like the scent the foxes
+leave for the hounds, the less thare iz ov it, the more kerful the dorg
+hunts, and the less likely he iz tew take enny uther trak.
+
+
+
+
+XVI.
+
+SAYINS.
+
+
+ If yu hav got a real good wife, kepe perfectly still, and thank God
+ evry twenty minnitts for it.
+
+ A man with one idee alwus put me in mind ov an old goose a tryin to
+ hatch out a paving stun.
+
+ "Honesta is the best polisy," but dont take mi wurd for it, tri it.
+
+ Menny a book has bin writ, which proved tu be an obituara notis ov the
+ author.
+
+ Tha tells us "that munny is the rute ov all evil;" and then tell us
+ "tu rute hog or di."
+
+ A man running for offiss puts me in minde ov a dog that's lost--he
+ smells ov everybody he meets, and wags hisself all over.
+
+ Look out, galls! the Jack of hartes is alwus a nave.
+
+ Gravity is very often mistakin for wisdum, but thare is as much differ
+ as thare is between a gide board and the man who maid it.
+
+ Evra man has a goose that lays golden eggs, if he only nu it.
+
+
+
+
+XVII.
+
+ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS.
+
+
+ "_Lines tu a sleeping infant_, bi Alice," receaved. Tha are tender,
+ dredful tender, almost tu tender, tu keep thru this hot spel; yu hav
+ talons ov the highest order, but yu must kross yure t's, or yu kant
+ suckeed in portri; good bi Alice!
+
+ "_Reverie ov a Bachelor_," Anonimous.--Received, and kontents
+ noted. Thare iz only one trubble with this produckshun, which time
+ will correckt, and that iz, "it wont du at all for our collums,"
+ respekfully declined, (on the part ov the edditurs, by J. B.) on
+ account ov its length and thickness.
+
+ "_The Sea, the roarin Sea._"--A sublime standzas, wurth at least 7
+ dollars, intended, undoubtedly, for _The Atlantic Monthly_, and cent
+ tu us bi mistake, we wud like tu accept it, but dassent, fur fere
+ folks mite sa we stole it.
+
+ "_Will yu Kiss me Dearest_," Bi Mary Ann.--Acksepted. We take all them
+ kind ov chanses. The potri ain't fust rate, but we expect the kissin
+ kan't be beat, till then, fair Maid ajew!
+
+ "_A gealogikal synopsorum ov the heavenly spears_," Bi Paul
+ Vernon--Will appere in our nex issu. This writer haz attaked a subjeck
+ ov grate differkilty, with the biggest kind ov energee, and haz
+ suckceeded; his thesis is admirable, hiz argyment iz clus, and his
+ stile is camphene. We sa "Mount Vernon! on eagil wings, beyond the
+ klouds, and paint yure name rite over the top ov the door that leads
+ tu glory, Mount Vernon, mi boy!" We predick grate poplarity for this
+ writer, if he aint kut oph by a frost.
+
+ "_A Prairie on fire_," Bi Diogoneze.--Rejeckted to onst. Tu hot for
+ the sezon--cool artikles take the best now. It made me swet tu rede
+ the manuskrip. "Dont despair Diogoneze," if yu find literature aint
+ yure stile, tri sawing wood; iv'e known hundreds ov men make a dust
+ sawing wood, who want worth a cuss tu write for the nusepapirs.
+
+ "_Wait a little longer_," Bi Eugene.--This potri wants greasing. Thare
+ aint nothin so eaza tu rite az potri, if yu know how. Our advise tu
+ this author iz tu take pills, and if tha dont release him ov his
+ potri, he kan konklude he haz got the potri dizeaze the natral wa, and
+ iz liable tu brake out at sumtime.
+
+ In konklusion, Fustly, we would sa tu moste writers, "write often, and
+ publish seldom." Secondly, tu sum writers, "write seldom and publish
+ seldemmer."
+
+
+
+
+XVIII.
+
+THE DEVIL'S PUTTY AND VARNISH.
+
+
+When a man cums tew the konklusion that he would like tew kill sumboddy
+at thirty paces, he imagines that he haz bin wronged, and sends hiz
+best friend a challenge tew fite a dewell; tha meet, and an elegant
+murder iz committed; the cracks, in this transaktion are puttyed up,
+and then varnished over, bi being kalled, "_an affair ov honnor_." When
+a man robs a saving bank, or goes tew urope on the last steamer, with
+the stolen reseipts ov a sanitary kommittee in his pocket, a kommittee
+ov investigashun are got together tew examine the stait ov affairs, and
+unanimously report "_a diskrepansy in hiz akounts_." 2 yung men hire a
+hoss and buggy at a livri stable, and go into the kuntry on Sunda. Tha
+stop at the fust tavern tha meet, and invest in sum ardent speerits.
+They stop agin pretty soon, and histe in sum more ardent speerits.
+The more tha histe in, the more tha drive, till bi and bi a devilish
+bridge tips them over into a devilish gutter that sumboddy haz left
+bi the side ov the road, and tha are awl killed, including the hoss
+and buggy. This is kalled a "_Fatal acksident_." A man and hiz wife
+are living in the middle ov joy and consolashun, tha are surrounded on
+awl sides bi a yung and interesting familee, their bread iz cut thin,
+and buttered on both sides and the edges, but the destroyer enters the
+family, the wife wants a nu silk gown, the man sez he "be d--d if she
+duz," and she "be d--d if she dont." One word brings on another, till
+tha fite, both ov them lose awl the hair in their heds, and 2 full
+setts ov false teeth, the thing ends in a divorse, the man runs awa tew
+Australia bi the overland route, the woman marry's a cirkus rider at
+40 Dollars a month, the children are adopted bi sum sunda school, and
+are brought up on homopathy. This furnishes a collum and a half in the
+nusepaper, under the hed ov "_Disturbanse ov the marrid relation_." A
+youth ov 21 summer begins life with 36 thousand dollars. Sevral fast
+hosses belong tew him, there iz sevral fast wimmin that he belongs tew,
+awl the tavern keepers are hiz patrons, faro banks are bilt for hiz
+amuzement, consolidated lotterys are chartered on purpiss tew make
+him happee; nothing iz left undun tew make him feel good. He wakes up
+about the 25th ov next May, without a dollar in hiz pocket, and a host
+ov warm friends on hiz hands, without enny visible means ov supporting
+them. He takes an akount ov stock, he buys a pint ov rum and 4 yards
+ov bed kord, the one makes him limber, while the other makes him
+stiff. The putty and varnish in this kase iz, "_Driven tew desperashun
+on akount of finanshul preshure_." A rale rode trane stands snorting
+in front ov the depoe, the last bel iz ringing, the kars are full ov
+souls that belong tew different individuals, the konducktor iz full
+ov Bourbon, that belongs tew the devil, the engineer labors under an
+attack ov Jamaka for the broketis, the switchmen likes a leetle good
+old rye, the kars diskount 45 miles a hour, 2 trains tri tew pass each
+other on the same track; it kant be did suckcessfully; the mangled and
+ded are kounted bi skores, a searching investigashun takes plase, the
+community iz satizfied, bekause it waz, "_an unavoidable katastrophe_."
+The Devil furnishes putty and varnish, free ov expense, tew hide the
+frauds and guilt ov men. Aul ov which iz respekfully committed Bi
+
+ JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+
+
+XIX.
+
+MANIFEST DESTINY.
+
+
+Manifest destiny iz the science ov going tew the devil, or enny other
+place before yu git thare. I may be rong in this centiment, but that iz
+the way it strikes me, and i am so put together that when enny thing
+strikes me i immejiately strike back. Manifest destiny mite perhaps be
+blocked out agin az the condishun that man and things find themselfs in
+with a ring in their nozes and sumboddy hold ov the ring. I may be rong
+agin, but if i am, awl i hav got tew sa iz, i don't kno it, and what
+a man don't kno ain't no damage tew enny boddy else. The tru way that
+manifess destiny had better be sot down iz, the exact distance that
+a frog kan jump down hill with a striped snake after him; i dont kno
+but i may be wrong onst more, but if the frog don't git ketcthed the
+destiny iz jist what he iz a looking for.
+
+When a man falls into the bottom ov a well and makes up hiz minde tew
+stay thare, that ain't manifess destiny enny more than having yure
+hair cut short iz; but if he almoste gits out and then falls down in
+agin 16 foot deeper and brakes off his neck twice in the same plase
+and dies and iz buried thare at low water, that iz manifess destiny
+on the square. Standing behind a bull in fly time and gitting kicked
+twice at one time, must feel a good deal like manifess destiny. Being
+about 10 seckunds tew late tew git an express train, and then chasing
+the train with yure wife, and an umbreller in yure hands, in a hot
+day, and not getting az near tew the train az you waz when yu started,
+looks a leetle like manifess destiny on a rale rode trak. Going into a
+tempranse house and calling for a little old Bourbon on ice, and being
+told in a mild way that "the Bourbon iz jist out, but they hav got
+sum gin that cost 72 cents a gallon in Paris," sounds tew me like the
+manifess destiny ovmoste tempranse houses.
+
+Mi dear reader, don't beleave in manifess destiny untill yu see it.
+Thare iz such a thing az manifess destiny, but when it occurs it iz
+like the number ov rings on the rakoon's tale, ov no grate consequense
+onla for ornament. Man wan't made for a machine, if he waz, it waz a
+locomotiff machine, and manifess destiny must git oph from the trak
+when the bell rings, or git knocked higher than the price ov gold.
+Manifess destiny iz a disseaze, but it iz eazy tew heal; i hav seen
+it in its wust stages cured bi sawing a cord ov dri hickory wood. I
+thought i had it onse, it broke out in the shape ov poetry; i sent a
+speciment ov the disseaze tew a magazine, the magazine man wrote me nex
+day as follers,
+
+"_Dear Sur_ Yu may be a dam phule, but yu are no poeck. Yures, in
+haste."
+
+
+
+
+XX.
+
+ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS.
+
+
+Perkins.--I hav red yure peace, on "Wimmins Rites," thru, and thru, and
+must say that i luv it. In mi opinyun, wimmin haz a rite to tu dew enny
+thing well, but saw wood; sawin wood, ain't their stile; speshially if
+the sawbuk iz a high one, it must mortify them the wust wa.
+
+
+Harrold.--Yure genus iz not fully born yet, when it gits awl born,
+i think yu will be a poeck. Yu hav got imaginashun enuff tew keep a
+livery stable. Yure landguage iz a leetle too florid; did you ever
+travel in Florida? Tri agin--I notis one ov yure lines, haz 10 feet
+into it, and the nex one, haz only got 9 feet, six inches. Sum poiks
+air born, and sum are manafaktured; the manafaktured ones, are the
+moste stiddyest, tha aint so ap tew hanker after mint juleps. Yu ought
+to go up garrett when yu praktis, moste awl good poeckry haz bin rit
+up garrett.
+
+
+Hard Road.--Yure essa has sum good hits intu it, but iz not jis the
+thing for a religus nuzepaper, like ours; send it tu "Wilkes Spirit," a
+paper that knows how tu talk hoss. I will merely suggess, that pedigree
+iz not important for a fast trotting hoss; if he kan trot fast, never
+minde the pedigree. Thare iz a grate menny fast men, even, who haint
+got no pedigree. Thare aint mutch art in driving a trotting hoss, jist
+hold them bak hard, and holler them ahead hard, thats awl. A hoss
+will trot the fastest down hill, espeshila, if the briching brakes.
+Kuller is no kriterion. I hav seen awful mean hosses, ov awl kullers,
+excep green, i never cee a mean one ov this kuller. Hosses liv tew
+an honarabil old age, and i hav often seen them, that apeared fully
+prepared for deth. Heathins are alwus kind tew hosses; it iz only among
+christian people, that a hoss haz tew trot 3 mile heats, in a hot da,
+for $25,000 in kounterfit munny.
+
+
+
+
+XXI.
+
+ON DOGS.
+
+ When fickle frends and fickler fortin fales,
+ Dogs, unfickle still, for you will wag their tales.
+
+
+Dogs are various in kind, and thanks tew an allwise Providence, tha are
+various in number. Tha are the onla animil ov the brute perswashun,
+who hav voluntary left a wilde stait ov natur, and cum in under the
+flag ov man. Tha are not vagabones bi choise, and luv tew belong tu
+sumbody. This fac endears them tew us, and i hav alwas rated the dog
+az about the seventh cusin tew the humain specious. Tha kant talk, but
+tha kan lick yure hand, this shows that their hearts iz in the plase
+where uther folks' tungs iz. Dogs in the lump are useful, but tha are
+not alwas proffittable in the lump. The Nufoundlin dog is useful tew
+saive childiren from drowning, but yu hav got tew hav a pond or water,
+and children running around kareless, or else the dog aint profitable.
+Thare aint nothing maid boarding a Nufoundlin dog. Rat Tarries air
+useful tew kech rats, but the rats aint proffittable after yu hav
+keched them. The Shepard dog is useful tew drive sheep, but if yu hav
+got tew go and buy a flock ov sheep, and pay more than tha are wurth,
+jist to keep the dog bizzy, the dog aint proffittable, not mutch. Lap
+dogs are very useful, but if yu dont hold them in yure lap awl the
+time, tha aint proffittable at all. Bull dogs are extremely useful, but
+yu hav got tew keep a bull too, or else yu kant make ennything on the
+dog. The Coach dog iz one ov the moste usefullest ov dogs i kno ov,
+but yu hav got to hav a coach, (and that aint alwus pleasant) or yu
+kant realize from the dog. Thus we cee, that while dogs are ginerally
+useful, thare are times, when tha aint ginerally proffittable. I dont
+really luv a Yaller dog, nor a mad dog, but with these two unfortunate
+excepshuns, it is dredful hard work for me to sa a hard word agin a
+dog; the wag ov their tails is what takes me. Enny man who will abuze
+a dog, neadn't ask me to luv him, or pra for him. Enny man who will
+abuze a dog will abuse a woman, and enny man who will abuse a woman is
+thirty-five or forty miles meaner than--a pale paller dog. These are
+my centiments, and i shant change them, until i receive notice that the
+camel has smoothed down the hump on his back, and the sarpent ceases
+tew wiggle when he wanders.
+
+
+
+
+XXII.
+
+SAYINGS OF JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+ I think the fools do more hurt in this world than the raskals.
+
+ The prinsipal differense between a luxury and a necesaary iz, the
+ prise.
+
+ Awl men hav cunning, and sum men hav wisdum.
+
+ If I aint mistaken, the best wa tew git religion, iz tew git honesta,
+ and truth, and a sprinklin ov morality fust, and see how they agree
+ with us.
+
+ What a man spends in this life, he saves: what he dont git want ment
+ for him, and what he saves, he loozes.
+
+ Fame iz like a crop ov kanada thissells, very eazy tew sow, but hard
+ tew reap.
+
+ "Familiarity breeds contempt." this iz so--jist as soon az we git
+ familiarized with castor ile, for instance we contempt it.
+
+ Life is short, but it iz long enuff to ruin enny man who wants tew be
+ ruined.
+
+ When the soul iz in grief, it iz taking root, and when it iz in
+ smiles, it iz taking wing.
+
+ The grate art in writing well, iz tew kno when tew stop.
+
+ Every time yu forgive a man yu weaken him, and strengthen yurself.
+
+ Mi private opinion iz, that i should prefer boned fish tew boned
+ turkey.
+
+ "Giv the devil his due," but be very kerful that thare aint mutch due
+ him.
+
+ It haz bin obsarved, "that corporashuns haint got enny souls." Thare
+ iz excepshuns tew this rule, for i kno ov several that hav got the
+ meanest kind ov souls.
+
+ After a man has rode fast onse, he never wants tew go slow agin.
+
+ "Sparks fly upward." Old maids will pleaze make a note ov this.
+
+ "What will it proffit a man, if he gain the whole wurld, and loze his
+ own soul? i answer, nothing: but thare are cases, whare thare wouldn't
+ be enny loss tew speek ov.
+
+ "Think twice before yu speak onse," but don't think, "d--n it."
+
+ Thare iz onla one thing that i blame Adam for, and that iz, when he
+ had the onla woman on arth, he didn't git her warranted.
+
+
+
+
+XXIII.
+
+FASHION.
+
+
+Fashion is a compound mixtur ov much taist, and sum vanitee. The taist
+that is into it, saives it from ridikule. Fashun iz just az necessara
+tu govern men and wimmin with, az sivil law; in fack menny folks wud
+ruther brake a statu than tu ware a cut tale tu short, or a bunnet tu
+obtuze.
+
+Exsentrisity iz one thing, and fashun iz anuther thing. We haint got
+no more rite tu laff at fashun, than we hav tu laff at vittels. What
+a man, or woman eats, if it iz well cooked, iz all rite, and what tha
+ware, if it iz well cooked, is ditto.--After fashuns hav had their da,
+then iz the time tu despize them; just so it iz with vittels; cold
+vittels for instanze.
+
+Nobody iz tu blame for old fashuns. If our grate grand mother shud
+meet our present mother, both ov them dressed in the fashun ov their
+respektif daze, tha wud go tu kalling each other old Fools, and we
+should stan by, and offer tu bet on it. If evry boddy had a fashun ov
+their own, it wud make az mutch trubble az a shinplaster kurrensy. Them
+that sett the fashun, aught tu be vartuous and big minded, bekauze the
+morals ov a people are just about az mutch inflooensed by fashun az tha
+are by religun. In them daze, when tha had no partiklar fashun, tha
+didn't hav partiklar enny thing else. It iz more evidense ov vanitee to
+rejek fashun, than it iz tu adopt it.
+
+Evra boddy, more or lessly, hankers after fashun. Fashun makes the
+poor ambishus, and it makes the rich affabil; it makes the vartuous
+cheerful, and it makes the humbly kind ov handsum, and thare iz no
+reson why it shud make the modest bold, enny more than elegense shud
+make the butiful wicked. Thare has alwus bin wolfs in sheeps clothing,
+and fashun will okasionally be used for the same purpis, but that aint
+enny reson why mutton aint good, nor why fashun shud be hipokrasy.
+Bekauze sum peopil are slaves tu fashun only proves its power, and yu
+will find that thoze who are its slaves are ginerally free from moste
+ov the big sins that humin natur iz subjec tu. The big minded, and the
+noble, adopt fashun jist az tha du enny uther proper kustom, simpla
+bekause it iz the fashun.
+
+It is tru that sum ov the fashuns are absurd, and it is tru that sum ov
+the vartues are absurd also. If a fashun kant be maid tu square itself
+tu the rules ov either good cense or good taist, it aint fashun, it is
+consait. A grate menny folks ced that whoops was a failure, but tha
+held their own, and grew nisely; tha are realy evra thing in a hot da.
+I shud like tu set in one all thru Juli and August; a feller wud be as
+cool as a dog's nose in a wire muzzel.
+
+The essa is thru.
+
+[Illustration: The occasional effect of Santa Cruz Rum on a gentleman
+of genial spirits.--_See page 80._]
+
+
+
+
+XXIV.
+
+REMARKS.
+
+
+ Marrying a woman for her munny is vera mutch like setting a rat-trap,
+ and baiting it with yure own finger.
+
+ "Between tew evils chuze the least." Brandee and gin, for instance,
+ which will yu hav?
+
+ Perhaps sum philosophick mind kan tell me why the Jews never eat whats
+ on the left side ov a baked goose.
+
+ If men had a good deal more faith than tha had kommon sense, moste ov
+ them wud expek tu liv, as Eliger ov old did.
+
+ When a man's harte gits up into his hed, his charitees will smell
+ tu mutch ov wisdom; and when his hed gits down into his harte, his
+ wisdom smells tu much ov charitee.
+
+ I wud as soon take a ten dollar kounterfit bill on the Kodfish Bank
+ ov Nufoundland, as tu marry a woman with false hare, false teeth or a
+ false buzzum.
+
+ Men don't repli tu real sarkasm.
+
+ Ginowine proverbs ar like good kambrick needles--short, sharp, and
+ shiny.
+
+ The fust man who was born inter the wurld, killed the sekund one, and
+ i aint sure but it wud hav bin a good plan if the men had tuk their
+ turns at killing ever sinse.
+
+ Art improves a diamond, but kant make one.
+
+ "Gra hares are honarabil," but I kno ov a grate menny gra _heds_ that
+ the devil will keep under a glas kase, tu sho the curous in theze
+ matters.
+
+
+
+
+XXV.
+
+PROVERBIAL PIG.
+
+
+Az the white rose wakens intu buty, so dus the white Pig cum tu gladden
+us. His ears are like the lilac leaf, played upon bi the young zephurs
+at eventide, his silkaness is the woof ov buty, and his figger is the
+outline ov lovlaness. His food is white nectar, drawn from the full
+fountain ov affecshun. He waxes fatter, and more slik, evra da, and
+hangs from the buzzum ov his muther like an image ov alabastur. He
+laffeth at forms, and curleth his tale still clusser, as his feast
+goeth on, then he riseth with gladness, and wandereth with his kindred,
+beside the still waters. His brothers and sisters are az like him as
+flakes ov snow, and all the day long, amung the red klover, and beneath
+the white thorn, he maketh his joy, and leadeth a life arkadian. His
+words are low musik, and his language the untutored freshness ov natur.
+His pastime is the history ov innersence, and his lessure is elaganse.
+He walketh whare grase leadeth, and gambles tew the dallianse ov dewy
+fragranse. He gathereth straws in his mouth, and hasteneth awa on
+errants ov gladness. He listeneth tu the reproof of hiz parent; his
+ackshuns are the laws ov perliteness, and his logick is the power ov
+instinkt. His datime is pease and his evening is gentle forgitfullness.
+As he taketh on years, he loveth kool plases, and delveth in liquids,
+and stirreth the arth tew a fatness, and painteth hisself in dark
+cullers, a reffuge from flize, and the torments ov life. He forgetteth
+his parent, and bekumeth his own master, and larneth the mistery ov
+food, and groweth hugely. Men gaze at his porkyness, and kount his
+vallu bi pounds, and la in wate for him, and sacrifise him, and give
+his flesh salt for its safety. This is Pig life.
+
+
+
+
+XXVI.
+
+PROVERBS.
+
+
+ Preeching the gospel for nothin, is easy enuff, but preeching it fur 5
+ thousand a yere, and hav it sute, is anuther thing entirely.
+
+ A ded traitor makes a sweete korps.
+
+ Matches, ma be _made_ in heavin, but tha ar ginerally _sold_ down here.
+
+ Yu ma make a whissel out ov a pig's tale, but if you du, you'll find
+ you've spilte a verry worthy tale, and got a devilish poor whissel.
+
+ I consait thare is this difference between bashfullness, and modesta,
+ the one soon wares oph, the other never dus.
+
+ A vartuous, and ekonomikal, and knooing, and butiful woman is--_is_,
+ all that kan be sed on the subjec.
+
+ Fitckshun is a kind ov haf wa hous, betwen the temples ov Truth and
+ Fallshood, whare the good and the bad meet tu lie a little.
+
+ Praing, and Charitee, ought tu be dun on the sli.
+
+ The moste intensely butiful scene i ever perused, was a clene, fat,
+ haf dressed baby, on the floor, kicking up its little heels, and
+ pounding a lookin glass, and a gold watch together.
+
+ Munny is like promises, easier maid than kept.
+
+ The fules in this wurld make about as much trubble as the wicked du.
+
+ Misfortin and twins hardly ever cum singly.
+
+
+
+
+XXVII.
+
+ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
+
+
+_Bolivar._--Yu are rite about it, courtin a yung widder iz no boys
+play. Yu hav got to stick and hang. Feed them well, and take them
+tu the circus, and go out into the avenu with a kupple ov blood ba
+lightning calculators, that's the wa! Dont waste enny time waiting
+for a full moon nuther. Widders luv oysters and gass lite the best.
+Dont flatter them much, but pitch in, and rush matters. Menny a widder
+has bin lost, bi fuleing around, gitting reddy tu court. Maids luv
+centiment, but widders luv muscle.
+
+
+_Fanny._--Pork and beans are good, that's a fack, but yu must go down
+suller and eat them, don't let ennybody cee yu du it. Sassage grease iz
+ap tu rise on the stummuk, and if yu eat raw onions, and dont swaller
+them hull, tha are ap tu make yure breth defensive, so tha sa. If yu
+want tew katch yure bo, run rite tuther wa, and skream a small-sized
+skream, and dont look bak till yu katch him. If yure bo wants tew marry
+yu, and yu ar enny whar near reddy, it iz a good genral rule tew let
+him du it.
+
+
+_David._--The best kind ov a dog tew hav for awl purposes iz a wooden
+one. Tha dont kost much, and aint liable tew git out ov repair. They
+are easy kep, and yu alwus kno whare tu find them. Tha aint kross tu
+children when yu step on their tales. Bi awl means git a small one. I
+never knu one ov this breed tu foller ennybody oph.
+
+
+_Citizen._--I think yu hav cum tu just konklusion from the premisis.
+Yu sa, "enny man who will chaw plug terbakker, will drink santa kruize
+rum; enny man who will drink santa kruize rum, will go tew the devil;
+and enny man who will go tu the devil, is mean enuff tu du enny thing."
+Bi thunder, i think yure more than 3/4 rite, I will think the thing
+over clus, and if i find you are rite, i'll telegraff tew yu.
+
+
+_Richard._--Thare aint no sich thing az a munny aristokrat in this free
+Amerikan land ov freedum. If a man knows more than anuther man, he has
+got a rite tew throw his hed bak and brag onto it a little. But if a
+man haint got onla munny, he haint got no more rite tu brag onto it
+then he wud hav tu brag onto a big pile ov manure that wanted spreading.
+
+
+_Gipsey._--I kant giv yu enny partikler rule for riteing for the
+nuzepapers. Korrekt spelling iz the verry bowels ov suckcess. This
+art is onkomon hard tew obtain; but few ever reach it and liv. If yu
+want yure name tew go down tu posterita untarnished, dont rite for the
+nusepapers, but go and hav yure name painted in red letters onto a
+board, and la it awa up garrett.
+
+
+
+
+XXVIII.
+
+PROVERBS OF THE BILLINGS FAMILY.
+
+
+ Humin natur is the same all over the world, cept in Nu England, and
+ thar its akordin tu sarcumstances.
+
+ A kodfish aristokrat alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man a tryin tu
+ walk a krack.
+
+ Rum is good in its plase, and hel is the plase for it.
+
+ Akordin tu skripter thar will be just about as many Kammills in heavin
+ as rich men.
+
+ When yu korte a widder, yu want tu du it with spurs on.
+
+ Larfin at yure own story, while yu are tellin on it, is a good dele
+ like firing a gun oph thru the tuch hole.
+
+ A pet lam, alwus makes a kross ram.
+
+ A live harte sumtimes gits intu a ded body, so dus perls git intu
+ jersa clams.
+
+ "Glory enuff for one da," attendin a nigger kamp meeting.
+
+ He who skorns to be inflooensed at tall by fashun is a wize fool.
+
+ I am prepaired tu say tu sevin ov the rich men out ov evry ten, makes
+ the most ov yure money for it makes the most ov yu.
+
+ If i had a boy who didn't lie well enuff tu sute me, i wud set him tu
+ tendin a retale dri good store.
+
+ Man was kreated a little lower than the angells and has bin gittin a
+ little lower ever sinse.
+
+ The moste oneasy kreetur i ever perused, was a bob tale bull, in fli
+ time.
+
+ When a feller gits a goin down hil, it dus seem as tho evry thing had
+ bin greased for the okashun.
+
+ I hav known folks whose _calibre_ was very small, but whose _bore_ was
+ very big.
+
+ The meanest man i ever nu was the one who stole a suggar whissel from
+ a nigger baby tu sweeten a kup ov rye koffee with.
+
+ Pluk is a nise kompound ov pride, vanitee and vartue.
+
+ Robbers are like rane, tha fall on the just and the unjust.
+
+ We hate those who will not take our advise, and despise them who do.
+
+
+
+
+XXIX.
+
+A FU REMARKS.
+
+
+ Moral swashun consis in asking a man tu do what he aught tu do without
+ askin, and then beggin hiz pardon if he refuses tu do it.
+
+ I hav finally kum tu the konklusion, that a good reliable sett ov
+ bowels, iz wurth more tu a man, than enny quantity ov brains.
+
+ Musick hath charms tu soothe a savage; this may be so, but i wud
+ rather tri a revolver on him fust.
+
+ It alwus seemed to me that a left handed fiddler must pla the tune
+ backwards.
+
+ I hav often bin told that the best wa iz tu take a "Bull bi the
+ horns," but i think in many instanzes i shud prefer the "tale holt."
+
+ The fust law ov natur iz tu steal; the sekund law is tu hide, and the
+ third iz tu--steal agin.
+
+ Poverta acts the same onta a man's branes, az exercise dus onto hiz
+ boddy, gives an appetite.
+
+ I never could cee any use in making wooden gods mail and femail.
+
+ If the harte iz rite, the hed cant be very rong.
+
+ Tha tell me that femails are so skarse, in the far western country,
+ that a grate menny married wimmin are alreddy engaged tu their sekund
+ and third husbands.
+
+N. B. The above remarks are not intended to be personal.
+
+
+
+
+XXX.
+
+A LEKTURE TO MALE YOUNG MEN ONLY.
+
+
+Yu are about 2 begin life, yung men, for the fust time, and I suppose
+thare wud be no impropriety in mi saing, for the last time tew. It is
+hily important or thereabouts, that yu set down in sum kool plase,
+and take an honest akount ov stok, or in other wurds, less poetick
+but equally tru, yu sarch out the ramifikashun ov natur, and see what
+natur haz ramified yu for. Now skriptur will tell yu, that men don't
+gether pigs from thissels, neither dus the husband, nor hiz wife, nor
+enny ov his relashuns, plant korn when tha are after pumpkins, nor
+sow bukwheat, when he iz a lookin for old rye. Kauze and affeck iz
+anuther awful good thing to studdy; yu will find this talked ov in Dan
+Webster's dicktionary. Having follered the above advise, and having
+hefted the above reasoning, yu will cum tew the konklusion, whether
+it iz best for yu tu studdy law, or studdy shumaking, both ov them
+honerabil biznisses, and equally kondusiv tew helth. Yu will also be
+enabled tew bet with dispatch, whether yu hav a kall, tew preach the
+gospil, or sel yankee no shuns at auction, both ov them respektuous if
+honestla follared, and both ov them liabel tew be led estra, and end
+at laste in the bronkeetis. The studdy ov medisin will present itself
+and flap its wings and crow, but it kant fule yu, bekause yu have sot
+down, as rekomended above, and tuk akount ov yure liabilitys, and kno
+tew a spot whether yu air konstructed rite for a veteran surgeon amung
+hosses, or hav the rite natur for dealing out kalamil & gallup amung
+men, wimmin & childrin. Yu will likewize hav it in yure power tew gess
+clussly between being a kolporter or keeping a billiard tabil; if yu
+find that yure goose iz morally sound, yu will itinerate at onst, but
+if yu diskiver a leak in yure base, yu will take up yure cue, naturally
+& akordinly. Selling dri goods and blaksmithing wil klaim yure especial
+notis, and wil bother yu dredfully for a verdik; but if yu find yu hav
+kalico on the brain, & aint afraid tew stretch the cloth & the truth
+a little, when yu mezure it, yu will straddle the kounter like an
+ingyrubber clothes pin, and smile on yure kustomers like a sleeping
+babe trubbled with wind. Yu wil, without doubt, be asked tu sa whether
+yu wil be a pollytisian or a blakleg, both equally honorabil. If yu
+hav enny reasonable douts about cheatin yure moste intimate frends,
+and aint willing tew be seen in low grogerys on lecktion daze, buying
+votes with cheap whiska and kounterfit munny, and dont expek tew buy
+yure elekshun, and then sell yure prinsiples tew git even; if yu kant
+go this, and tend awl the churches near yu in rotashun, and hear folks
+sa, "What an ornyment to sosiety he iz!" i sa, if yu kant go all this
+without blushing, yu will ov course adopt the blakleg, and gain an
+honest living bi cheatin on the square.
+
+Yung men yu will awl detek in this lekture a frendla feeling towards
+yu bi the author, and if yu foller the direckshuns laid down above, yu
+wil diskiver the wigglings ov yure genius, in time perhaps, tew saive
+yureselfs from cuming the govenor ov sum state, when natur kindly
+ramified yu for a carpenter and jiner.
+
+
+
+
+XXXI.
+
+CLEVER FELLOWS.
+
+
+It is perfectly astounding how full ov _clever fellows_ the world
+iz. Yu kan find them almost ennywhere, on the korner ov the streets,
+reddy tew say, "mi dear fellow how are yu?" and adjourn at onst tew
+the hotell and take a drink with yu. Yu can find them in the churches,
+reddy tew slap yu on the back and take yure meazure for a front pew,
+next tew the Hon. Hannibal Herring Hallibut, Esq., at the lucid figger
+ov $450 Dollars per year, and a liberal chanse at the contribushun
+plate, twice evry Sunda. Yu kan find them in the lucky possession ov a
+blood bay pair ov geldings sired by Casshus M. Klay, and jist refused
+tu the widder ov a defunk sope biler, at $2700 dollars, but tew yu!
+confidensially! tew yu!! tha will be placed at $2000. Yu kan find them
+in nominashun for congress, bland, fond, and peculiar, kneeling tew
+acksep yure sufrage as limber az a lover, ov the milk weed genus, at
+the balmorell ov a $30,000 Dollars maiden.--Yu can find them reddy tew
+indorse yure paper, _yesterday_, for awl the munny in the institushun.
+Good Lord! Good Lord! how thick tha are. I alwus treat theze fellers
+kindly, jist az tho i loved them, but i alwus stand in frunt ov them,
+az i do when i admire a mule. I dont think tha hav az mutch malis az
+impudense, and sum ov them are so innersent, that i really beleaf tha
+think tha are honest. I dont think the wurld could git along without
+theze clever feller, tha ar jist what keep truth above par, and furnish
+the romanse ov life with a continual freshness. I sa, long live
+theze clever fellers! and when tha die, if tha kan manage tew wiggle
+themselves into the better land, i am the last man who will desire to
+step on their tales.
+
+
+
+
+XXXII
+
+AFFERISIMS.
+
+
+ God save the phools! and don't let them run out, for if it want for
+ them, wise men couldn't get a livin.
+
+ Sum peoples branes are located in their heds.
+
+ We are told "that there want ennything maid in vain," but i hav
+ thought that awl the time spent in manufakturing striped snaix, and
+ muskeeters, waz wasted.
+
+ If thare waz nothing but truth in this wurld, a fool would stand just
+ as good a chanse az a wize man.
+
+ True perlitenes consists in being anxus about the welfair ov uthers;
+ false perliteness consists in being verry anxus about nothing.
+
+ Robbers are like rain, tha fall on the just, and the unjust.
+
+ If a man iz az wize az a sarpent, he can afford to be as harmless as a
+ dove.
+
+ We are ap tu hate them, who wont take our advise, and despize them who
+ do.
+
+ It iz dredful eazy tew be a phool--a man kan be one and not know it.
+
+ Real happiness dont consiss so mutch in what a man dont hav, az it
+ duz, in what he dont want.
+
+ Fear iz the fust lesson larnt, and the laste one forgotten.
+
+ Noboddy but a phool, gits bit twise bi the same dog.
+
+
+
+
+XXXIII.
+
+ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS.
+
+
+Josh Billings wants it respekfully understood that, tho hiz duta az
+sensor ov a vartuous press ockasionally kauses him tew lite onto sum
+contributors at a high rate ov speed, he dus it, not out ov malis tu
+those who rite, but thru grate luv and tribulashun for thoze who read:
+
+
+TO CONTRIBUTORS.
+
+"_I Hear an Angell Whispre_," by _Clemantha_.--Theze lines contain more
+poeckry, and less truth. The fact is, Angells don't whispre, if tha hav
+got enny thing tew sa, tha sa it rite out loud. Tri agin, Clemantha;
+rite onto kontentment, or happiness, or sum sich subjec, that haint
+never bin rit onto.
+
+
+"_Slavery, ordained ov God_," _bi A. D. P._--This produckshion we cant
+accept. We are bound in our insuranse polisy not tew hav on hand
+"enny article extra hazardus on akount ov fire," and we don't want tu
+be struk bi litenin, nor sent tu purgatory, and looze our insurance
+besides. Furthermore, writers must giv us their names in full; A. D. P.
+mite stand for _A. D--m Phule_, and we aint a doing enny bizness with
+them kind not if we are credibly informed.
+
+
+"_On Pisgers nobil hites i stood, communin with our ansesters_," _bi
+Clarense_.--Blank varse, bi grashus! If my memry dont fule me, this iz
+the same spot whare Noer stood, with the Ark previously. We aint mutch
+on blank varse, but think we smel a rat. We hav sent the peace tew
+the "Kommitty on forrin relashuns," and if tha sa the peace iz on the
+square, it will be published, ackompanied with a full sized 3 dollar
+puff.
+
+
+"_Epitaff on a friend_," _bi Emeline Parsons_.--Epitaffs are played out
+with us. We continu tew publish them, at 25 cents ahed, az we du deth
+and weddings, and dont hold ourself resposible for truth or damage. We
+luv tu enkurage genius tho, and advise Emeline Parsons tu diet, and
+keep her hand in bi riteing for the Nu York Leger.
+
+
+"_Essa on Hurrykanes_," _bi Tempest Jun'_.--Wil appear jist az soon az
+the hurrykane softens down a little. This writer handles a hurrykane
+the best we ever see it did. Hiz deskripshun resembles chain litening
+quietly. He maiks the grate oaks tew wiggle lik mad sarpents, and the
+roks tew bile and bust open, and the hole arth tew rumbil az tho it
+had the kolick. This writer could git up a ghost that would be wurth
+having. Tempest Jun' will pleze send us his photergraff, we want a
+personal intervu.
+
+[Illustration: John Billings drives out to the Races.--_See page 100._]
+
+
+
+
+XXXIV.
+
+A SHORT AND VERY AFFEKTING ESSA ON MAN.
+
+
+Man iz a problem not yet solved, made out ov dirt, and smells ov the
+material. He waz kreated a little lower than the angells, and haz bin
+gittin a little lower ever sinse. He waz given a butiful hum, clus tew
+the borders ov heaven, the fruit and the flower waz planted for him,
+and the sweet waters were led along hiz futpath, birds sung onla for
+him, and woman was bilt tew make hiz joy komplete. The lam laid her hed
+on the lion's buzzum, and the viper knu not ov his sting. The winds
+waz tempered with soft fragranse, and awl things had onla the soul ov
+innersence in them. Guile there waz none, fear there waz none, even
+hope thare waz none, for thare waz nothing tew want. This waz butiful
+tew behold, but it didn't prove enny thing, but the kindness ov God.
+Could the arth be peopled? could the oseans be crossed? could the
+forest be chopped down? could sittys be built? could enny boddy be made
+tew work when thare waz nothing to hope for and nothing tew want? Man
+waz created tew govern a world ov ruggidness, and he couldn't dew it
+bi being as harmless as a dove; he must hav a touch ov a good sized
+sarpent in him, or he would has lived, he and hiz wife, growing butiful
+and useless, forever, in the Garden ov Eden. Man never waz bilt for the
+Garden ov Eden; he waz onla put thare tew see its buty, but not tew
+enjoy it till he had arnt it; not tew liv thare untill a weary round
+had bin paced. Eden waz hiz kradle, Eden was the pla ground ov hiz yung
+Adamhood, and under hiz vine and fig treeze waz hiz old age tew be
+gathered. How menny ov the countless millions, who hav gone forth from
+the pearly gate ov the garden hav ever entered agin? Sum few, perhaps
+hav got back, weary and worn, sum few hav got back within sight ov its
+glory, and sleep thare, but legions lay whare they hav fell az far from
+their hum az wandering feet could carry them; and man after 5,000 years
+ov birthrite tew awl the glora ov heaven, and arth, iz az mutch ov a
+problem az ever. If he governs the arth--if the lightnings obey him--if
+art iz the monark ov natur, and if even the angels are at times
+tempted tew admire him, strugling with the sarpent, iz he not, at this
+day, a moste magnificent failure? kan he, who haz governed so mutch,
+that even angels would shudder tew attack, can he govern _himself_.
+This iz the problem. It iz but a step from the furtherest grave tew the
+garden ov Eden, but how few will take it. We awl know the wa back tew
+the kradle ov Eden. We awl long tew be thare asleep, but if God dont
+take us in hiz arms, az froward children are taken, how few thare will
+be, who will ever git hum. Man iz the problem, God iz the solution.
+
+
+
+
+XXXV.
+
+THE RASE KOARSE.
+
+ "Grate rase! at Sulphur Flat trotting Park, on Thursda, April 9th,
+ for a puss ov 13 dollars, and a bulls-eye watch, free for awl hosses,
+ mares, geldings, mules, and Jackasses!"
+
+
+Seeing the above anounsement, pasted up on a gide board, at "Jamaka rum
+four corners," and having never saw a hoss trot, on a well regulated
+rase koarse, for the improvement ov the breed ov hosses, i agreed i wud
+go, jist tew encourage the breeding ov good hosses. I found the village
+of Sulphur Flats located in a lot and well watered bi a griss-mill
+and 2 tannerys. The prinsipal buildings seem tu consiss ov a tavern
+stand, 3 groserys, an insurance offiss, and anuther tavern stand, awl
+condukted on strik whiskee prinsiples. I found the inhabitants a good
+deal tired in their religus views and i thought the opening wud admit 3
+or 4 missionarys abreast.
+
+The moste prinsipal bizness ov the peopil waz pealing bark in the
+winter, and pitchin cents az soon az warm wether sot in. I asked a
+gentleman present, who ced he waz a reporter for "The Yung Man's
+Christian Gide," if he knew what the poplashun ov the plase definitely
+waz, and he ced he definitely didn't, but if i would set out a pail ov
+whiskee, with a dipper into it, on the top ov a hemlock stump, that
+grew in front ov the tavern, it wouldn't be 60 minnits befour i cud
+count the whole ov them, and then we both ov us smiled, az it were, tew
+onst. Having asked sum uther inquirys, ov a mexed natur, i santered
+down tu where the rase koarse waz.
+
+
+THE TRACK.
+
+I found the track waz about a mild in circumferense, and ov a sandy
+disposishun, fensed in by a kranbury mash on one side, and a brush
+fense on tuther, and in jist about 3 minnet condishun. The judge's
+stand waz an ox cart surrounded on the sides bi a ha rigging, and the
+reporters waz invited tew git intu the cart.
+
+
+THE HOSSES
+
+Waz a gra mare, about the usual stature, not verry fat, and laboring
+under a spring halt, which tha ced she had caught ov anuther hoss,
+about 10 days ago. Tha ced she had trotted tu a kamp-meeting last fall
+inside ov a verry short time, and that her back bone waz awl game. I
+asked a yung man with long yeller hair and bedtick pantyloons on, who
+waz currying oph the mare, what her pedigree was, and he with a wink
+tew anuther feller who stood clus bi, ced, "she waz got bi the Landlord
+out ov a Methdiss minister," and then tha both laffed. I found out bi
+inquirin, that her name waz "Fryin-Pan." The uther hoss waz a red hoss,
+rather hastily konstructed, with a spare tale on him, which tha ced waz
+kaused by his trotting so fast, in a windy day; i shud think he waz
+about 5 feet and a haf in hite, and ov a kickin natur. Tha ced he waz a
+stranger in theze parts, and that his rite name waz "Juise Harp."
+
+
+FUST HEAT.
+
+The hosses both cum up tew the skore in the immejiate visinity ov
+each uther, and got the wurd tew go, the fust time. The gra mare waz
+druv bi "Dave Larkin," and the hoss was handled bi "Ligh Turner." Tha
+trotted sublimely, az clus az the Siamese twins; the mare with her hed
+hi up and her noze full ov winde; the hoss waz stretched out tite,
+like a chalk line; tha passed the haf mile pole simultaneously, time,
+2 minnits. Now the kontost becum exsiting, "Dave" hollered, and "Ligh"
+yelled--on tha kum, the mare gru higher, and the hoss gru longer--tha
+make the last turn tew onst--tha look like a dubble team--the
+exsitement grows more intensely--the crowd sways to and fro--the ox
+cart trembles--tha cum! tha cum! sich shouting, sich yelling, sich
+swearing, sich chawing terbacker, waz never herd before; the mare iz
+ahed!--no, the hoss iz ahed! 'tis even, 'tis a ded hete, tha pass the
+ox-kart--the hoss wins bi 3 quarters ov an inch, time 4 minnits lacking
+2 seckunds.
+
+
+REMARKS.
+
+The bosses ar surrounded bi a crowd ov men, wimmin, and children. Each
+party are sanguinary ov suckces. The bettin iz 2 quarts ov whiskee to
+anything, on the red hoss. At this junktare the gentleman, reporter
+for the Young Man's Christian Gide, propozed tew bet 75 cents that the
+mare wud win the nex heat; i tuk the proposishun forthwithly, and the
+steaks, bi mutual consent, was placed in mi hat and sot under the kart,
+and here let me stait, before i forget it, that i haint saw the steaks
+nor the hat sinse.
+
+
+SECKUND HEAT.
+
+The hosses both sho signs ov distress. The gra mare's ears hang down
+the side ov her hed, like two wet rags, and the hoss rests his tale on
+the ground. Tha go slola bak tew the distanse pole, and cum up agin tew
+the skore, az tho tha waz yoked together. Awa tha go; the hoss a leetle
+ahed. The hoss leads tew the haf mild pole in 2:30. On the bak stretch,
+"Dave" went at the mare with hiz long purswader; she trots like
+litening, she passes the hoss! no! she busts! she busts! and befour
+"Dave" cud flatten her down tew her work, she broke from the trak and
+trotted clean up tew her hips in the krambery mash. The hoss cum in awl
+alone, trotting fast, and so clus down, that 2 feet ov his tale dragged
+on the ground. Time ov this heat, not fur from 5 minnits. "Juise Harp"
+winning, bi a quarter ov a mild. Thus ended the grate rase at "Sulphur
+Flats." I immejiately started on foot for "Jamaka Rum four corners,"
+bare headed, but fully impressed that, tho men, and even whiskee mite
+deteryoate, the breed ov hosses must begin tew improve in that seckshun
+ov the kuntry in a fu dais.
+
+
+
+
+XXXVI.
+
+'GIV THE DEVIL HIZ DUE.'
+
+
+This iz good advise. I don't kno who waz the auther ov it, if I did,
+i wud go for rewarding him, either with a sett ov plated ware, or a
+prize in the art union. No man kould giv better advise, or consolashun;
+he ought tew hav a 2 story monament, when he dize, with an epitaff on
+it, founded on fack; he ought tew hav at leaste fifteen hundred little
+children named after him each year; he ought tew be nussed in men's
+memorys like a plesant dreme, that afterwards turned out tew be true.
+He ought to hav his fotograph taken bi evry new sky-lite in the land,
+he ought tew be sett tew musick, and be sung in conneckshun with the
+docksaloger; he ought tew be stereotyped, so that nu edishuns could
+constantly be worked oph tew meet the pressing demand.
+
+"Giv the Devil hiz due." Yung man, this advise was got up for yu. If
+yu owe the Devil ennything pay him off at onse, and then discharge him,
+and dont hire him over agin at enny prise. That's what the author ment.
+Be honest, pay even the devil, if yu owe him, but dont owe him agin. If
+the proprietor ov this most worthy proverb, "Giv the devil hiz due,"
+still lives, altho i haint had the pleasure ov an introducksion tew
+him, if he ever wants enny thing, _even good advise_, he kan git it in
+awl natiff purity and innersense, bi dropping a line tu his everlasting
+well wisher.
+
+ JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+
+
+XXXVII.
+
+WATCH DOGS.
+
+
+Mi dearly beloved christian friend, did yu ever visit enny body? Did
+yu ever visit enny boddy who resided in the subburbs? Did yu ever
+visit enny boddy who resided in the subburbs, and kept a grate lank,
+watery-eyed, yeller dog, with very long hare on hiz bak?--Did yu ever
+hav this grate lank, yeller-devil dog cum loping down tu the frunt
+gate, tu welcum yu with a hiena yowl, and with the long hare on hiz bak
+pitching forward az tho it wud cum out bi the rutes, and his tale awl
+swelled up like a settin hen's? Kan yu rekolek the horrid fear that
+seized upon yu, and froze yu fast tu the arth, az the monster foamed
+in rage around yu? Yu gaze in agny tords the hous--it seems 3 weeks
+at least. At last the frunt door kautiously opens--yure lady friend
+recognizes yu: "Bless me! Mrs. Bingler, how glad i am tew cee yu!
+dew cum rite in. How pale the walk has made yu! Tiger! Tiger! hush
+yu! He is onla glad tew cee yu. Dew cum rite in, Mrs. Bingler." Mrs.
+Bingler, let me ask yu a question, privately: "Dew yu kandidly think
+that the luv yu bare for yure lady friend, Mrs. Baremore, who livs in
+the subberbs, iz enny kind ov atonement for the hate and horror that
+yu will alwus hav for the grate lank, watery-eyed, yeller dog Tiger
+that she keeps tew welcum her visitors with? If yu dew, please address,
+postage paid, JOSH BILLINGS, BOX 467, Pokeepsie
+sitty."
+
+
+
+
+XXXVIII.
+
+ANSWER TO CONTRIBUTORS.
+
+
+_Amerikus._--Your contribushun is in hand. We like its fluidness. It
+is like ile on a side hill. Natur haz did a good thing for yu, and
+yu ought tew be willing tew dew a good thing for natur. This line in
+your produkshun strikes us as very butiful and original; "And larn the
+luxury of dewing good." Gold smith hisself mite hav bin proud ov sich
+a line. And again; "Oh would sum power the gifty giv us, ov seeing
+oursels as uthers cee us;" yure idee ov indroducing the skotch acksent
+into yure stile, is verry happee. If yu never hav red Robert Burns, yu
+will be suprised to larn that his style verry mutch resembles yures.
+Onse more yu sa; "If ignoranse is bliss, tis folly tew be wise." This
+sentiment is jist as tru as tis common. Pope, I think, has sumthing
+similar; but awl grate minds sometimes express theirselfs alike. Yure
+contribushun will appear in our nex issu, with a _wood cut_ piktur ov
+a saw buck at the top ov it.
+
+
+_Beta_--I think sumly as yu do, "this wurld is all a fleetin cirkus,
+for man's illushun given," but that aint no rezon for not pitching in
+and being illusioned onse in a while. I wouldn't giv a cent for a man
+who hadn't bin illusioned, and who didn't expect tew be several times
+again.
+
+
+_Mathew._--I see bi yure letter that yu hav determined tew studdy
+ministry. Yu sa yu hav doubts about yure talents being enuffly tew make
+a minister; i don't think that ought tew bluff yu oph, for i hav saw
+menny men ov almity mean tallents, who got tew be first rate ministers.
+
+
+_Philander._--Yu ask me which iz the most best, the marrid or the
+single condishun?--Most evry boddy, at sum time in their life, has
+tried the single state; also, moste evry boddy haz hankered after the
+double state, or married condishun. I hav tried both states, and am
+reddy to sware, that if a man kan git a woman who kan fri pancakes on
+both sides without burning them, and dont hanker tew be a wimmin's
+kommitty, the marrid state iz a heaven and arth, awl tew onst. But
+after awl the married state is a good deal like falling out ov a cherry
+tree, if a person don't happen tew git hurt, it is a good reason for
+not trieing it agin.
+
+
+
+
+XXXIX.
+
+REMARKS.
+
+
+ It is highly important, when a man makes up his minde tew bekum a
+ raskall, that he shud examine hisself clusly, and see if he aint
+ better konstructed for a phool.
+
+ I argy in this way, if a man is right he cant be too radikal, if he is
+ rong he kant be too conservatiff.
+
+ "Tell the truth, and shame the Devil;" i kno lots ov people, who can
+ shame the devil easy enuff but the tother thing bothers them.
+
+ If yu don't beleaf in "total depravity," buy a quart ov gin and studdy
+ it.
+
+ Their is one advantage in a plurality ov wifes; tha fite each other,
+ insted ov their hustbands.
+
+ It is a verry delicate job to forgive a man, without lowering him in
+ his own estimashun, and yures too.
+
+ As a gineral thing, when a woman wares the britches, she has a good
+ rite tew them.
+
+ I am poor, and I am glad that i am, for i find that wealth makes more
+ people mean, than it duz generous.
+
+ Woman's inflooense is powerful--espeshila when she wants enny thing.
+
+ No man luvs tu git beat, but it is better tew git beat than tew be
+ rong.
+
+ Awl kind ov bores are a nuisance, but it is better tew be bored with a
+ 2 inch auger, than a gimblet.
+
+ "Be sure yu are rite then go ahed;" but in kase ov doubt go ahed enny
+ wa.
+
+ Sekts and creeds ov religion, are like pocket compesses, good enuff
+ tu pinte out the direction, but the nearer the pole yu git the wuss
+ tha wurk.
+
+ The rode tew Ruin, is alwus kept in good repair, and the travellers
+ pay the expense ov it.
+
+ If a man begins life bi being fust Lutenant in his familee, he never
+ need to look for promoshun.
+
+ I hav got as much munny as sum folks, but i hav got as much impudence
+ as enny ov them, and that is the next thing tew munny.
+
+ It aint often that a man's reputashun outlasts his munny.
+
+ Dont mistake arroganse for wisdum; menny people hav thought tha was
+ wise, when tha was onla windy.
+
+ The man who kant git ahed, without pulling others back, iz a limited
+ cuss.
+
+ Woman will sumtimes confess her sins, but i never knu one tu confess
+ her faults.
+
+ Thare is onla one advantage, that i kan see, in going tew the Devil,
+ and that is, the rode is easy, and yu are sure tew git thare.
+
+ Lastly--i am violently opposed tu arden speerits as a bevridge, but
+ for manufaktering purposes, i think a leetle of it tastes good.
+
+
+
+
+XL.
+
+AN ESSA ONTO MUSIK.
+
+ "Musick hath charms to sooth a savage.
+ To rend a rok or split a kabbage."
+
+
+So tha tell me, but i shud rather try a revolver on the savage, a blast
+ov powder on the rok, and good sharp vinegar on the kabbage. I haint
+searched history tew diskiver who giv the first consert ov musik. We
+are told, that in _those days_ "the stars sang together," but in _theze
+days_ yu kant git stars tew sing together. We often hear it said,
+"that such a person haz a good ear for musik." I don't fellership this
+remark; awl a person wants tew understand musik with, is a good soul;
+a "good ear" haint got enny more tew du with it than a good sett ov
+brains has tu do with charity. Musical crickets insist that if the
+gammut aint rite, the musik aint rite; this is awl nonsense; the gammut
+haint got enny more tew du with a musick-hungry man, than a knife and
+fork has with his dinner, if he is real hungry he can eat with his
+fingers. Musick want got up tew make us wise, but better natured. How
+much opera musick dew you suppose it wud taik tu make a man cry? Folks
+will tell yu that such an "overture fria dabulo" (or sum uther furrin
+big named thing) "waz moste heavenly rendered," tha mite as well tell
+me that a pumpkin pie was heavenly rendered. What do i care about the
+rendering, if i don't git a piece ov the pie? Let some Prime Donner,
+or Mezzer Soapraner, or Barrytown Base, or some sich latin individual,
+cum into this village, and histe their flag, and hav a programmy ov
+singing as long as a sarch warrant, and as hard tu spell out as a
+chinese proklamashun ritten upside down, and taxed seventy-five cents
+for a preserved seat, and moste evrybody will go tu hear it, bekause
+moste everybody else dus, and will sa, evry now and then, (out loud)
+"how bewitching! how delishus! how egstatick!" and nineteen out ov
+evry twenty-one ov them wouldn't kno it if the performance was a
+burlesk on their grandmother. Wouldn't it be fun tew cee one ov these
+opera singers undertake tu rok a baby tu sleep? i gess thare wud be
+two parts carried tu that song about that time. Suppoze yu shud come
+home at nite, a weary boy, and la yure hed in mother's lap, and she
+shud let out a opera, good Lord! wouldn't yu think yure mother was a
+lunatik, or ought to be one at onst, tu save her karacter. "Korrect
+taist," iz anuther big wurd; ive herd folks uze it whose finger nales
+wanted cleaning. Musik, after all, is sumthing like vittels, the more
+cooking and seasoning we uze, the more we have to hav, till after
+awhile we kant enjoy ennything ov the vittels but the pepper.--Opera
+dont hav enny more loosening affeck on me, than caster ile wud on a
+graven image. I set and gaze, and hark, and cee the whole aujence in
+hirogliphicks, and awl i kan do iz tu git mad that sich stuff is called
+musik. But awl the reasoning in the wurld wont convince menny people
+that tha haint got a rite tew go into fits over an opera tha dont
+understand a word ov; it iz the fashion tew expire and hav their souls
+dissolve in latin at the rate ov seventy-five cents, an it haz got to
+be did, "sink or swim, survive or perish." If enny boddy wants tu go
+and hear a man or woman disgorge musik, that has more kolik than melody
+into it, i suppose (under the constitushun) tha hav jist the same rite
+tew crusifi themselves enny uther wa, for sumbody's else sins that tha
+dont kno the natur of."
+
+
+
+
+XLI.
+
+"MAN WAZ MADE TEW MOURN."
+
+
+This waz the private opinion ov one Burns, a Skotchman, who waz very
+edikated tew poetri from his infansy. I and he differ, which is not
+uncommon among grate minds. The ornary minds in this wurld are disposed
+tew coinside, which iz the reson whi superstitions prevale so mutch.
+Tew differ upon matters with anuther is a fair presumpshun that yu are
+in the habit ov smelling ov things before yu swaller them. Man warnt
+made tew mourn, man waz made tew laff. He iz the onla creeter or thing
+that God made tew laff out loud. It iz tru he knows how to mourn, so
+duz the animills kno how, the birds can tell their sorrows, and the
+flowers kan hang their pretty heds. Man waz made tew smile, tew laff,
+tew haw! tew thro up his hat, and sing halleluger. Man waz made tew
+praze God, and he cant dew it bi mourning. Awl the mourning thare
+iz in this wurld was introduced bi man; man warnt made tew mourn any
+more than he was made to crawl. Tharfore i sa tew awl men and women,
+stop crying and go tew laffing, yu will last longer, and git fatter
+and stand jist as good a chanse tew git tew heaven with a smile on
+your countenanse, as yu will with yure fase leaking at every pore. I
+sa man want made tew mourn, if he had bin he would not hav bin put in
+Paradise, whare every thing else was made in the image ov smiles.
+
+[Illustration: Josh Billings wants to know why it is that so many women
+who are so thin in the face, stick out so everywhere else.--_See page
+122._]
+
+P.S.--I don't want ennybody tew think that i am down on Burns, for i
+dew consider him the most Poet that ever lived. I had ruther be the
+authur ov one poum i kno ov, that he rit, than tew be king and queen ov
+England, and keep a hoss and carriage; but "man warnt made tew mourn"
+Robert Burns, he iz the kause of hiz own sorrow. For enny further
+informashun tutching this subjek, address, post paid, with stamp
+enclosed.
+
+ JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+
+
+XLII.
+
+PROVERBS.
+
+
+ What a sarkasm it is tew a ded man's memory, tew ask "how much munny
+ he left?"
+
+ I don't like tew be alwus a asking questions, but i would really like
+ tu kno whi it is that so manny wimmin who are so thin in the face,
+ stick out so every where else!
+
+ Tha tell ov an orful sharp feller out west, who broke out ov an alms
+ houze and made sixteen hundred and thirty two 75/100 dollars, in the
+ substitude bizness, before tha kould ketch him.
+
+ The bible asks us, "what will it proffitt a man, if he gain the whole
+ world and loze hiz own soul?" i suppose this depends sumwhat upon the
+ size ov the soul, i think thare are kases whare the trade would do.
+
+ The term "skunked," which we often hear applied tew them that gits
+ beat, waz diskovered in this wa: a Radikal and a Conservatiff, went
+ out hunting skunks. The Radikal diskovered one at sum distanse off
+ and without trieing tew git nearer, drew up his musquet, and shot him
+ ded. The Consarvatiff undertook tew ketch his skunk alive, and the
+ konsequents waz, he got--skunked.
+
+ The old proverb sez, "Giv the Devil his due!" if this is put thru,
+ what will bekum ov yu, mi friend? and the rest ov the--nabors?
+
+
+
+
+XLIII.
+
+KISSING CONSIDERED.
+
+
+"Man was made tew mourn," so warbled Burns, "and woman was made tew
+kiss," so warbles Billings. One ov these centiments haz bin alreddy
+immortalised, and the other i intend shall be as soon as the Legislater
+meets. I am not yet lusid how i shall bring the matter befoar that
+honorabil boddy; but i dew kno how the honorabel boddy feals on the
+subject, and how tha will act if ever tha hav a good chanse. To give a
+fertile and golden opinyun, upon kissing in the lump, and kissing in
+the detale, requires a man ov truth, and sum experiense in tasteing.
+
+
+IN THE LUMP.
+
+Kissing iz one ov those fu things that is easier dun than deskribed;
+in fack, about the onla way tew deskribe it well is tew do it well.
+It iz, without doubt, a verry anshunt enterprise; and judgeing from
+what we kno ov human natur in this latitude, it must hav struk Adam
+as a good investment when he fust diskovered hiz wife. If Adam didn't
+kiss Eve at sight he aint the man i take him tew be; and if Eve didn't
+relish it, it must hav bin bekause it want well did. Thare iz one thing
+about kissing in the lump, diffrent from the rest ov the fine arts and
+that iz, it don't require enny eddikashun tew dew it; i hav even thort
+that the more unedikated it waz did (provided it didn't miss the mark)
+the more touching it was tew behold. But kissing is a good deal like
+eating; thare is not much fun (when a person iz hungry) in standing by,
+and see it did bi anuther fellow, if it iz did ever so well. It is one
+ov the cheapess and healthyess luxurys ov the season, and don't sho
+enny disposishun tew go out ov fashion, and will keep sweet in enny
+climate. Upon the whole, if yu examine kissing in the lump, clussly,
+yu will be led tew exclaim: Fustly, that it iz as easy tew hav it did,
+az it is handy tew dew it. Sekundly, that it is like Cowpers tea, it
+cures a man without corning him; and, Thirdly, it is a frugal, highly
+consentrated, and reverend luxury.
+
+
+IN DETALE.
+
+When we cum tew thro oph glittering generalitys and approach our
+subjeck in single file, it is then that the divinitee ov the art
+seems to be spotted; and reveals tew us awl the shades ov pomp and
+sirkumstanze, from the sublime and tender, clear down tew the redikilus
+and tuff. Mother's kiss and little baby's kiss are az pure az the
+utterance ov angells; so is the artless kiss ov sister Mary and--couzin
+Fanny; but thare iz one cold, blu, lean kiss, that alwus makes me
+shiver tew see. Two persons (ov the femail perswashun) who hav witnesst
+a grate menny younger and more pulpy daze, meet in sum publik plase,
+and not having saw each uther for 24 hours tha kiss immegiately; then
+tha talk about the weather, and the young man who preached yesterday,
+and then tha kiss immegiately, and then tha blush and laff at what
+tha sa tew each other, and kiss agin immegiately. I would not objeckt
+tew awl this if it want sich a waste ov swetness on the dessart air.
+I am willing tew be sworn that this kind ov kissing alwus puts me
+in minde ov two olde flints trieing tew strike fire. How different
+this from the konnubial kiss i witnesst laste nite. I knu he wast a
+husband jist got back from a bizzness tower, bi hiz haste. He passt
+me at the korner below, and awl unexpected enkountered hiz wife, and
+as natral as the bee tew the flower, tha flu together. Thare want
+enny thing sentimental about that kiss; thare want enny thing criminal
+about it. It rang out on the air as clear as the challenge ov a perlice
+offiser--it filled a whole block. Thare want mutch prelimnary about it
+neither, for it smashed a 50 dollar bonnett, and muxed up a barricade
+ov edging and frizzled tucker. It want the fust one, it waz tew well
+did for that. It want the sipping ov two trembling lovers, afraid ov
+the echo; it want studdyed out nor stolen, but it wast full ov honest
+ripeness and chastened struggle which made me hanker for--for, one oph
+from the same peace. Jist one more remark and I am thru. Thare is one
+kind ov kissing that has alwus been deeemd extra hazardous (on akount
+ov fire) and that is kissing yure naber's wife. Gitting the wife's
+consent don't seem tew make the matter enny the less risky.
+
+MORAL.--Don't eat onions during the kissing seazon unless yu
+chew them well.
+
+
+
+
+XLIV.
+
+FOR A FU MINNITS AMUNG THE SPEERITS.
+
+
+Bi invitashun i had the happiness tew attend a speerit cirkle in the
+good old town ov Billingsville last week. A long haired feller bi the
+name of Professer McGuire, with a face that looked like a sucked lemon,
+waz the midwife ov the okasion. It seemed that a Mister Bloodgood
+wanted a dispatch from Miss Jerusha Perkins, who, he claimed, was in
+the speerit land. After the kandel waz subdued and strikt silence
+ensued, sum ov the alfiredest thumps took plase on the tabel; mi hair
+begin tew stan up, and i wished i waz out ov the consarn; but after
+taking an akount ov stock i cum tew the inference that i could knock
+the spots oph from the whole bileing ov them, if it cum to actooal
+bizzness i agreed tew set still and see the whole sport.
+
+In a fu space ov time McGuire begin tew git news from Jerusha, which
+he ced waz official and waz in the shape ov a letter, and he wud
+translate it as follers:
+
+
+ _May 20th_, SPEERIT LAND, 1846.
+
+"_Dear Augustus Sidney Bloodgood_: Having a fu spare time tew devote
+terestial things, i take mi pen in hand tew rite yu a fu lines. I am
+well, and hope theze fu lines will find yu enjoying the same blessin.
+I hav jist returned from the gardin ov Eden whare i hav bin with Dave
+Sturgiss, who was killed at the battell ov Gettisburg bi gitting
+choked with a pease ov hard tacks. The weather iz fine, and there iz
+evry prospeck ov krops; I never see the potaters look finer. Dri goods
+is cheap here, yu can buy good factory cottin cloth, yard wide, for
+eleven cents a yard and hav thred thrown in. I see the Widder Bostwick
+yesterday, she looks as starched up as ever.
+
+"Would yu beleaf it, dear Augustus, that ugly Miss Snubdin is here,
+how yu used tew hate her! yu kno yu used tew sa that she wud go tew
+that uther land ov speerits. Let me hear from yu oftin thru the dear
+McGuire. Me and anuther speerit bi the name of Julia roost on the same
+celestial tree, and we oftin talk over the fellers we used tu know,
+and yu kan bet high, dear Augustus, that yu are the one that i brag
+on. Don't let enny ov them terestial mortals fool yu with their luv,
+for Jerusha's essence has no affinitee but for her corporeal jewell,
+Augustus Sidney Bloodgood."
+
+At this junkter thare waz 6 raps on the tabel about az fast and loud
+az tho there waz playing kards, and sumboddy about being eukered; then
+awl was still and the kandels waz lit, and evry boddy sot in aw and
+amazement. The sircle broke up immejiately, and i passed out with mi
+frend, who asked me what i thought ov speerit manifestashuns now. I
+told him i thought if evrything waz on the square, that Bloodgood had a
+ded sure thing on Jerush.
+
+
+
+
+XLV.
+
+SAYINGS.
+
+
+ A gest is sumthin that is sharp enuff to be notised, and not rude
+ enuff tu be resented.
+
+ "Solaman was a wize man," but when he ced thar warnt enny thing nu
+ under the sun, he hadn't herd ov Hudsin River time tables.
+
+ "Large bodys move slo," this ere proverb dont apply tu lies, for the
+ bigger tha ar, the faster tha go.
+
+ The only wa tu pleze evra boddy, is tu make evry boddy think yu ar a
+ bigger fule than tha ar.
+
+ Ignorance is ced tu be bliss, this ma be so, I never tried it.
+
+ It's just as natral for lawyers tu lie, as it is for a white hared
+ yung one's nose tu run.
+
+ The man who kan ware a shirt a hole week and keap it klean, aint fit
+ for enny thing else.
+
+ The more we hav, the more we want, and the more we want, the less we
+ hav.
+
+ "The law ov nashuns;" iron klad gun botes.
+
+ Evra sorrow has its twin joy; the fun of skraching almost pays for
+ having the ich.
+
+
+
+
+XLVI.
+
+JOSH GOES TO LONG BRANCH.
+
+
+"Hum agin! Hum agin! from a forrin shore!" or in uther wurds less
+juicy but equally tru, i hav got back from Long Branche, whither i
+went tew git mi buty and health restored. I waz thare 2 weeks, and
+lost 50 pounds in munny, and gained 10 pounds in meat. i feal like a
+fur tippet. I shall go down nex summer, if mi life iz spared also. I
+made a grate menny nu ackquaintance, that will be hard tew fergit,
+amung which, waz a nu kind of likker, which they kall apple toddy; this
+likker would be an invaluable dockument tew take amung the heathen tew
+convert them; 2 horns ov it would set them crazy--for civilizashun.
+The natur ov the sile or land there iz impregnated with sand, which
+iz adapted tew raisin a dust when the wind bloze, and also iz capabel
+ov produsing, (az i see bi the statisticks ov the state sensus) more
+fleas tew the aker without the aid ov manure, than iz needed for hum
+consumption. The two prinsipal attrackshuns there iz the air, and the
+water, which are to be had in enny quantity, at a slite advanse from
+fust cost. The men and wimmin go in swimming together which at the
+fust sight looks a leetle risky, but az soon az they git used tew it,
+tha tell me, tha aint afrade ov each other at all. Thare iz 15 taverns
+at Long Branch, and thare iz ground room tew build more ov them, and
+az far az i kno, no man need tew go away without spending awl ov hiz
+munny, if he haz got enny ambishun about him. Thare waz sevral verry
+fashionable wimmin on exhibishun thare, and altho they didn't hav on
+mutch clothes, what they did hav, waz wuth the munny. I also saw sevral
+diamonds thare, which they ced were discovered at little falls, in
+this state, and waz wuth respectfully, from 2, to 5 dollars. One verry
+pleazing feeter waz the fast trotting hosses which belonged tew the
+natives ov the surrounding country, which were brought down in front ov
+the taverns evry day, tew trot for the amuzement, & instruktion, ov the
+guests. The Hosses didn't seem to me tew trot az fast az the drivers
+did, but i dont think enny body ever saw more dust raized, still, if
+hollering out loud iz enny sign that the hosses waz a trotting fast,
+then Flory Temple never had any bizness at Long Branch, unless it waz
+for her health. Hoss trotting iz at best a cruel enterprize, but when
+it iz gone into, with slow hosses, and unskillful drivers, it iz about
+az disgusting az the opening ov Rockaway clams, with a shoe-hammer.
+You will find awl the different styles ov docktrine and pollyticks, at
+Long Branche. One feller asked me "if i didn't think that the southern
+confederasy would be recognized before long," and i ced, that the
+southren confederasy had bin _recognized_, for more than 3 years, bi
+awl sensibel & honest people, az the moste cussidest ov awl things
+cussid. And another feller asked me what i thought ov the doktrine ov
+poligamy. i replied tew him, in a few wurds, that it waz tew mutch
+doktrine, for enny one man tew hav, and dew the subjeck justiss. Az
+good a way az enny tew git tew Long Branch, iz bi the steam Bote Jesser
+Hoyt, and the Delaware Ba ralerode. The cars on this rale rode will put
+enny man in minde ov one ov the cages in which van amburgh's trained
+animels are carried around the kuntry, and az for speed, thare iz but
+one thing on arth slower, and that iz a bread pill. In konclusion,
+Long Branch iz about the onla thing in the state ov Nu Jersee, that
+dont belong tew the Camptown, and Amboy Ralerode, and ought tew be
+visited as a natral curiosity on that vera akount, if for no uther. The
+prinsipel amuzements ov the plase are pitching cents, and walking a
+mile and a half, back into the kuntry, tew see a liberty pole. Thare iz
+one custom thare that mite be altered, if it couldn't be improved, and
+that iz awl the niggers seem tew hav bin born for the express purpiss
+ov standing around when a guest leaves, with evry feature in their fase
+resembling a 25 cent shinplaster in distress, and even the Landlord's
+look, and act az tho you waz going oph, without paying them awl the
+munny yu had. Visiting Long Branch, in this respeck, iz like going down
+into a marsh, in muskeeter time, awl the inhabitants stick a bill into
+you. Thare iz no ingenuity in this wa ov skinning a man, it iz like
+skinning a cat, a little evry day, tew make it hurt less.
+
+ Yours at sight,
+ JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+
+
+XLVII.
+
+TO MY LADY CORRESPONDENTS.
+
+
+_Cora._--Now yu ask me tew mutch. I kant giv no sartin resippee tew
+make a feller pop the question. Sum men are awful slow on a court, tha
+are like olde houn dogs, all tha want iz to be sure tha are on the rite
+track, and don't seem tew kare if tha don't never cum up with the game.
+If i was a gal, and one ov this kind ov dogs got after me, i wud hole
+rite off, and if he didn't commense tu dig me out at onst, i shud kno
+he waz only hunting for fun.
+
+
+_Rebekar._--I am dredful sorry tew hear yu are a widder. I kno how tu
+pity yu, i haint never bin a widder miself, but i hav bin in a habit
+ov pittying widders, for a grate length ov time. And yu tell me yu are
+a yung widder too, wuss and wusser. If yu find that thare aint nobody
+in yure naberhood who understands pittying yung widders, let me kno at
+onst, and i will see what kan be did for yu.
+
+_Flora._--I like yure spirit, yu hav got a soul. Thare aint no diskount
+on to it. Stan yure ground, don't giv an inch the olde man will cum
+to hiz milk bimeby. The idee that yu kant hav a bonnet az good as Sal
+Parker haz got, iz darned likely. If i waz a gal, and mi olde man
+wouldn't go 50 dollars for me a plane bonnet, blame me if i wouldn't go
+into a dekline, spit blood, or hav a pane in the bak, or see a ghost,
+and set and shiver till the olde man cum doun with the bonnet.
+
+
+_Lizzy._--Yu sa yu are sixteen years old, and aint marrid yet. That
+looks a little dusty, but don't dispare, az long az thare iz life
+theres hope. If i hear ov enny boddy looking around for a woman, ill
+let yu kno forthwithly. Send me forty or fifty ov yure fotograffs, tha
+are good things tu skatter around luce. Az i ced in mi last letter i
+kant la doun no rule tu kech a hustband, men kant tell themselves half
+the time what ketched them, awl tha kno iz that tha git keched the
+cussedest evra now and then.
+
+
+_Matilda._--Lap dogs are verry skase jist now prinsipally owing tew
+the skasity ov them. I see one yesterda that was almost heavenly. The
+owner asked 50 dollars for him, he had sore eys, and the itch, but tha
+tell me that awl lap dogs haz theze trifling komplantes. I saw anuther
+one, which the owner onla asked thirty-five dollars for, he had small
+sized fits, but waz warrented not tew hav more than three fits in enny
+one da. I think this dog iz jist what yu are looking for; i offered
+thirty-seven dollars for him, if the owner wud heave in a vial ov fits
+medisin. He is tew giv me an anser tomorrow.
+
+P. S.--I hav bought the dog and will send him bi xpress. hiz name iz
+Agusty Seazer.
+
+
+
+
+XLVIII.
+
+ON WIDDERS.
+
+
+Widders are an interesting studdy. Tha ma be dividid (tew anser our
+purpis,) into 3 classes: _The Lone_, _The Grass_, and _The Star
+Spangled Banner Widder_. The Lone Widder iz ginerally selebrated for
+her piety, she haz passed the middle ov life, she knows she haz got
+gra hairs in her hed, she will tell her age, and talks tenderla ov her
+ded husband. Her grief iz sober, her weeds are rank, if she iz ritch,
+she is charitable, if she is poor, she is humble. She seldum marrys
+the sekund time. Her cheerfulness never bekums gayety, and her sorrow
+never bekums lamentashun. If she has children, she treats them as the
+partners ov her bereavment, if she has none, she bends down tew those
+she meets as she wud tew the arly flower in her pathway. Her hole life
+is a glora tew her sek, and an honour evra da tew him whose good memry
+amung men she perpetuates.
+
+The Grass Widder is marrid without enny husband. She keeps house
+at a hotel, and kalls the servants bi familiar names. She sez that
+her husband is a kurnel in the armee. Her thesis is unkongenial
+tempraments, she kan repeat Don Juan, and hides Boccassio's tales under
+her pillow. If she wud ride out she orders a coach, and a gentleman; if
+she is ritch, she is arrogant, if she is poor, she is brasen. She kalls
+virtue prudery, and sez she wouldn't swop chastity with Dianner. If her
+kurnel is fortunate enuff tew git shot in battle, yu ma meet her and
+hiz Lutenant at Nuport nex summer, marrid--for the season.
+
+The Star Spangled Widder iz yung, ornamental, and--a fule. She marrid
+her husband bekauze hiz name waz Alphonzo, and she mourns for him in
+at least 50 feet ov krape. Her fingers are as jewelled as the hilt ov
+a Spanish dagger. She was eddikated at a fust klass seminare, with a 9
+months' vakashun in it evry year, and talks awl the languages, excep
+english, bravely. She gases on you from beneath her limber eyelashes,
+as pensiv as a wel fed kitten. Yu ma think she wants tew marry, but she
+thinks she onla wants a friend. If she shud snare some old feller, with
+a full puss, she wil make him a good toddy stik for his beverage. She
+has more chastity than sens, and more vartue than affeckshun.
+
+Upon refleckshun i am disposed tew sa that there iz no condishun that
+a woman iz kalled upon tew fill so delikate, and so diffikult, as the
+widder; a condishun in which the lovlaness ov their naturs kan be made
+tew challenge our respek and admirashun, az alzo, a condishun in which
+their frailties may exsite our abhorrense, and their weakness, our
+disguss--Amen!
+
+
+
+
+XLIX.
+
+THINGS THAT I DON'T HANKER AFTER TO SEE.
+
+
+ A man out at the elbows, and his wife out tew a woman's rites
+ convenshun.
+
+ A yung lady ov more circumference than the diameter ov her father's
+ real estate.
+
+ A boy under 15 with over 15 bad habits.
+
+ A long bill at the tailor's, that belongs tew a short Bill at the St.
+ Nicholas.
+
+ A man who haz more hair under his nose than knows under his hair.
+
+ A virgin who haz beat 40, afrade ov a rane _bo_.
+
+ A pollytision leading in prayer.
+
+ A man whoze houze wants painting a different culler from hiz noze.
+
+ Charitee that evra boddy knowz ov.
+
+ A house so divided agin itself, that it dont kno which wa tew fall.
+
+ "Augers that won't bore," unless tha kan hav the privilege ov
+ splitting.
+
+[Illustration: Josh Billings goes in bathing at Long Branch.--_See page
+133._]
+
+
+
+
+L.
+
+ON COURTING.
+
+
+Courting is a luxury, it is sallad, it is ise water, it is a beveridge,
+it is the pla spell ov the soul. The man who has never courted haz
+lived in vain; he haz bin a blind man amung landskapes and waterskapes;
+he has bin a deff man in the land ov hand orgins, and by the side ov
+murmuring canals. Courting iz like 2 little springs ov soft water that
+steal out from under a rock at the fut ov a mountain and run down the
+hill side by side singing and dansing and spatering each uther, eddying
+and frothing and kaskading, now hiding under bank, now full ov sun and
+now full ov shadder, till bimeby tha jine and then tha go slow. I am in
+faver ov long courting; it gives the parties a chance to find out each
+uther's trump kards, it iz good exercise, and is jist as innersent as 2
+merino lambs. Courting iz like strawberries and cream, wants tew be did
+slow, then yu git the flaver. I hav saw folks git ackquainted, fall in
+luv, git marrid, settel down and git tew wurk, in 3 weeks from date.
+This is jist the wa sum folks larn a trade, and akounts for the grate
+number ov almitey mean mechanicks, we hav and the poor jobs tha turn
+out.
+
+Perhaps it iz best i shud state sum good advise tew yung men, who are
+about tew court with a final view to matrimony, az it waz. In the fust
+plase, yung man, yu want tew git yure systen awl rite, and then find a
+yung woman who iz willing tew be courted on the square. The nex thing
+is tew find out how old she is, which yu kan dew bi asking her and she
+will sa that she is 19 years old, and this yu will find won't be far
+from out ov the wa. The nex best thing iz tew begin moderate; say onse
+evry nite in the week for the fust six months, increasing the dose as
+the pasheint seems to require it. It is a fust rate wa tew court the
+girl's mother a leetle on the start, for there iz one thing a woman
+never despizes, and that iz, a leettle good courting, if it is dun
+strikly on the square. After the fust year yu will begin to be well
+ackquainted and will begin tew like the bizzness. Thare is one thing I
+alwus advise, and that iz not to swop fotograffs oftener than onse in
+10 daze, unless yu forgit how the gal looks.
+
+Okasionally yu want tew look sorry and draw in yure wind az tho yu had
+pain, this will set the gal tew teazing yu tew find out what ails yu.
+Evening meetings are a good thing tu tend, it will keep yure religgion
+in tune; and then if the gal happens tew be thare, bi acksident, she
+kan ask yu tew go hum with her.
+
+Az a ginral thing i wouldn't brag on uther gals mutch when i waz
+courting, it mite look az tho yu knu tew mutch. If yu will court 3
+years in this wa, awl the time on the square, if yu don't sa it iz a
+leettle the slikest time in yure life, yu kan git measured for a hat
+at my expense, and pa for it. Don't court for munny, nor buty, nor
+relashuns, theze things are jist about az onsartin as the kerosene ile
+refining bissness, liabel tew git out ov repair and bust at enny minnit.
+
+Court a gal for fun, for the luv yu bear her, for the vartue and
+bissness thare is in her; court her for a wife and for a mother, court
+her as yu wud court a farm--for the strength ov the sile and the
+parfeckshun ov the title; court her as tho she want a fule, and yu a
+nuther; court her in the kitchen, in the parlor, over the wash-tub,
+and at the pianner; court this wa, yung man, and if yu don't git a
+good wife and she don't git a good hustband, the falt won't be in the
+courting.
+
+Yung man, yu kan rely upon Josh Billings, and if yu kant make these
+rules wurk jist send for him and he will sho yu how the thing is did,
+and it shant kost yu a cent.
+
+
+
+
+LI.
+
+REMARKS.
+
+
+ Piety iz a good kind ov dissease for a man tew hav, but when he has so
+ mutch ov it that he has tew go behind the door on Sunday to drink his
+ whiskee, it will dew tew watch him the rest of the week.
+
+ Menny think tha luv their husbands almost tew deth, when in fack, tha
+ are only jealous ov them.
+
+ Thoze familys who are really fust class, never are afraid that tha
+ shall git cheated out ov their respektability, while the codfish
+ familys are alwus nervous lest tha mite.
+
+ The onla sure resipee tew govern mankind with, iz the rod; yu ma
+ festoon it with flowers and case it with velvet, if yu pleze, but it
+ iz the rod, after all, that duz the bizzness.
+
+ I kant conseive a more despikable opjek than a proud and arrogant man;
+ he makes me think ov an old Tom Turkey trieing tew git mad at a red
+ flannel pettycoat on a clothes line.
+
+ It iz not onla highly natral tew luv the femail sek, but 'tis highly
+ pleasant.
+
+ Verry few people enjoy munny, bekauze tha kant git enuff ov it.
+
+ We are told that a contented man is happy, and we mite hav bin told,
+ at the same, that a mudturkle could fly if it onla had wings.
+
+ It wont dew tew stir up a man when he is thinking, enny more than it
+ will a pan ov milk when the cream is rising.
+
+ Thare is one time when awl men are comparitiffly pure, and that is
+ when tha are in luv.
+
+ Humbolt was a man ov verry high attainments.
+
+ It iz eazy enuff tew raize the devil, but he iz a hard crop tew reap.
+
+ It appears tew me that a poor story iz a good deal like a grist, the
+ oftner it iz told, the less thare iz ov it; but then, perhaps, i am
+ mistaken.
+
+ I hav bin told that _swine Lager_ iz the Dutch for root beer.
+
+
+
+
+LII.
+
+THE FAULT-FINDER.
+
+
+Good Lord, deliver us from the Falt finder, one ov yure kronick
+grunters, i mean. Theze kind ov humin critters are alwuss full ov self
+consait; if tha waz humble and wud dam themself okasionally, i wud try
+tew pity them. Yure falt-finding old bachelor, for instanze, odars a
+pair ov No. 8 boots, and then kolides with his shumaker insted ov his
+big feet; he walks tew the depo tew saive hack-hire and misses the
+trane, and then kolides with the time-table; he kourts a gal till she
+has tew marry sumboddy else tew keep from spileing, and then he don't
+believe thare is a vartuous woman living. If he enjoys ennything he dus
+it under protess, and if ennyboddy else enjoys ennything he knows tha
+lie about it. He is like a seckund rate bull tarrier, alwus a fiteing,
+and alwus gitting licked. These kind ov critters never are reddy tew
+die, bekause tha haint never begun tew live. I never maik their
+ackquaintanse enny more than i dew sumboddy's small pox, bekause i am a
+looking after bright things and haint got enny to lose. Thare aint enny
+remedee for this dissease but hunger, and that aint parmanent unless it
+results in starvashun. Good Lord, deliver us from the falt-finder! if
+yu undertake tew argy with them yu onla flatter them, and if yu jine in
+with them yu onla maik them mad with themselfs.
+
+I had rather be a target for awl the bad luk in this wurld than tew
+go thru life shuteing a pizen arrow at awl the good luk. The more i
+think ov it, the more i keep thinking that falt-finding iz verry much
+like bobing for eels with a raw potater; a fust rate wa tew git out ov
+consait ov awl kinds ov fishing, and a fust rate wa not tew ketch enny
+eels.
+
+
+
+
+LIII.
+
+PROVERBS.
+
+
+ Chastity iz like an isikel. if it onse melts that's the last ov it.
+
+ Dew a good turn whenever yu kan even if yu hav tew turn sumboddy's
+ grinstun tu dew it.
+
+ When a man dies the fust thing we talk about iz hiz welth, the nex
+ thing hiz failings, and the last thing hiz vartues.
+
+ I suppose the "bone of contenshun" iz the collar bone.
+
+ An ungrateful childe is the revenge of Heaven.
+
+ After awl ced and dun the gran sekret of winning is tew win.
+
+ The studdy ov humin natur is a good deal like the studdy ov
+ dessekshun, yu finde out a good menny curis things, but it is a nasty
+ job after awl.
+
+ When a man's dog deserts him on akount ov his poverty, he kant git
+ enny lower down in this world, not bi land.
+
+ Sekrets maik a dungin of the harte, and a jailor ov its owner.
+
+ Don't let us forgit that the higher up we git the smaller will things
+ look tew us here belo.
+
+ Natur haz no artifise, she plants her flowers in the gardin and in the
+ wilderness, and endows them alike.
+
+ It iz tru that welth won't maik a man vartuous, but i notis thare
+ ain't ennyboddy who wants tew be poor jist for the purpiss ov being
+ good.
+
+ Luv iz like the meazels, we kant alwus tell when we ketched it and
+ ain't ap tew hav it severe but onst, and then it ain't kounted mutch
+ unless it strikes inly.
+
+ Tew be a suckcessful pollytysian, a man shud be butterd on both sides
+ and then keep awa from the fire.
+
+
+
+
+LIV.
+
+KOLIDING.
+
+
+The wurd "kolide," used bi ralerode men, haz an indefinit meaning tew
+menny folks. Thru the kindness of a nere and dear frend, i am able tew
+translate the wurd so that enny man ken understand it at onst. The
+term "kolide" is used tew explain the sarkumstanse ov 2 trains ov cars
+triing tew pass each uther on a single trak. It is ced that it never
+yet haz bin did suckcessfully, hence a "kolide."
+
+ JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+
+
+LV.
+
+ON SNAIKS AND MUDTURKLES.
+
+
+I divide snaiks into one class, to wit, the devilish:
+
+They are ov much antiquity, having appeared about the same time that
+Adam did. The exact purpis for which tha was built hain't been explored
+yet; but one thing is sartin, tha are quite slippery and eazy to bend.
+Tha travel on thair bellys, and go down hill the moste eazyest; this is
+owing tew the fack that tha hain't got enny good rigging tew hold back
+with.
+
+Snaix have but few warm friends, altho thare is folks who flatter them;
+sich persons ought tew be obliged to ware a pair ov them for a cravat.
+Thare is but one thing that makes me more horrible than a striped
+snaik, and that is a big black one jest sliding away from the place
+whare I was going tew sit down on the grass.
+
+We are told that Eve waz sedused bi a snaik, i don' beleave thare is
+a woman living now, in theze parts, that it could be did tew without
+spileing the snaik. I hav bin in the habit, ov late years, ov sedusing
+snaiks miself evvry chanse i could git; i ginerally dew it bi gitting
+them tew put their heds under a stone, and then i cruelly desert them;
+sich is life.
+
+Snaiks are amphibicus and thoze which dwell in the water are called
+eels. Tha are ov awl cullers, and sum are pizen tew behold; amung theze
+are the koperheds, but tha never bite enny ov their own folks. Snaiks
+hav got a big appertite, akordin tew their size; i hav saw them no
+thicker than your finger, with 4 inches wide ov toad in them, tha stuck
+out like 2 quarts ov milk that had got into a young pup bi acksident.
+
+The largest snaik in the wurld iz kept at Newport, he iz owned bi the
+landlords, he never haz bin shown tew but one person tew a time, and
+then he is generally 110 feet long; thousands go thare tew see him
+summers, and pay 3 dollars a da for board and 2 dollars a week tew the
+servants for something tew eat.
+
+I beleave a snaik never dies onla bi mistake, and never ventures out
+mutch in the winter when the travling iz bad, and lays eggs like a
+small hen, but don't set on them bekauze tha hain't got enny more heat
+in their body than a ramrod haz.
+
+Almoste evry humin being haz got a nateral appertite agin snaix, and
+i will bet, if you shud put a striped snaik in a 10 aker lot, whare
+there was 27 wimmin picking strawberries, and holler out, "striped
+snaik! striped snaik!" evry woman would skream, and go to feeling rite
+oph for the snaik. It is ced that snaik ile applied to the back ov a
+man's neck, will cure him from lieing. This is wuth trieing, even if
+it wont wurk, but mi individoal presentiment iz, that when the lieing
+disease gits familiar with a man, deth alone will put an eend to his
+sufferings. But I dont want it understood that I am agin snaik ile, for
+this one reason if no other, the more snaik ile there is in the market,
+the less snaiks.
+
+
+MUDTURKLES.
+
+Mudturkles liv in a shell, which tha git verry mutch attached to.
+Tha are not fond ov company, and seldom receive visitors in their
+houses. Their food consists prinsipally of what they eat, which tha
+find wharever tha kan git it. Their style iz haf land, and haf water,
+and tha are at home on the banks or at the bottom ov a kanal. Tha
+hav sum eggs, which tha lay in sum warm sand, and ginerally hav them
+hatched out tew the halves. Tha belong tew the class known az "close
+korporashuns," and are a hard animil tew whip, bekause tha alwus fite
+under cover. The mudturkle kant climb very well, and therefore seldum
+iz found up a tree. Tha are verry tuff ov life, and will outlive an
+injun rubber shoe, and don't seem tew gro old enny faster than a paving
+stone duz. Tha kan be domestikated without enny trubble; awl yu hav
+tew dew, iz tew put them into a barrel, and tha aint ap tew stray off
+far. Mudturkles hav their faults, but tha won't lie, nor drink rum, nor
+chaw terbacker, and tho tha cant trot as fast az sum hosses kan, thare
+sure tew git tew whare tha go tew, and never brake down on the rode.
+I take a deep interest in moste awl the animils, and particularly in
+mudturkles, and i dew hope that the Legislature in their wisdum won't
+pass a law "prohibiting enny more mudturkles." I regret tew hear,
+that in sum parts ov the kuntry, the people are in the habit of using
+mudturkles tew pitch quoits with, but I think this wants an affidavy
+with a revenew stamp onto it.
+
+In theze mi remarks about snaix and mudturkles i hav tried hard tew
+tell the truth, but if i hav failed, it is owing tew the grate skasity
+ov truth in theze days.
+
+
+
+
+LVI.
+
+TRUE BILLS.
+
+
+Tru dignity is the effeck ov the conscious possession ov ability and
+vartue. False dignity is the effeck ov nu clothes, no branes and mutch
+vittles.
+
+
+Tru currage is the knowledge ov right and the determination tew dew it.
+False currage is a willingness tew dew what is rong bekauze others sa
+it iz right.
+
+
+Tru religgun iz tew fear God, love man and hate the devil. False
+religgun iz tew hate God, fear man and luv the devil.
+
+
+True faith is a parfeck trust in what we are satisfied iz truth. False
+faith is a craziness tew beleave, simpla bekauze we kant understand.
+
+
+Tru liberta is the possession ov our own rights and due respek for the
+rights ov uthers. False liberta iz a desire tew possess uther's rights
+and no respek for our own.
+
+
+Tru wisdum iz a plenta ov experiense, observashun and reflekshun. False
+wisdom iz a plenta ov ignorance, arogance and impudence.
+
+
+
+
+LVII.
+
+NARRATIF.
+
+
+"Wunce as I was travling thru tioga keounty, a peddlin, selebrated
+pills," I was akosted by a individual whose dress indikated, that he
+was in the kolporter bisness. We met, and stopped smoltaneously, as
+it war; we looked into each others phases, sarching as it war, for
+a linamont, a oasus, that we nu, or had hearn tell of, but the trak
+pedlar, and pill pedlar, had evidently met for the first time on
+arth. The dela that was thus instituted, giv me a margin for a clus
+communion with the kolporturs feturs, and stile of habiliment, and tru
+to natur, tuk the chance--he was about 59 years old, was very lite in
+the karkass, and wore his close very much as a methodis dus, and had
+one of them kountenances that Moses was celebrated for. I felt at the
+first site, that he wud do tu ti to. He komensed as follers:--"Wafarin
+man, monament of sparin mersa, du yu feel as tho yu had enny intrest
+in yurself, hev yu ever been tried by the fire that takes awa the
+spiritoal dross, and had yur soal a flutterin agin the ribbid prisin
+bars of yur body, like a kaged song bird of heavin? If yu haint, read
+and peroose this trak; the ile that it kontains, will permoate thru the
+resesses of yur hart, like the quicksilver of luv, and lukrubrate the
+loose roaling stuns, that ly in yur jordanick pathwa." As he cum to a
+stop, he bent on tu me one of those meller looks, that a tom kat gives
+tu the mouse, as it lays pantin afore him, with a skin full of broken
+bones, and a reachin around, he pulled from his sadle bags, a trak of
+four pages, and give it tu me, with (if I ma be aloud the expresshun)
+a angelik tenderness, and as he did so, he karlessly tuk a look at my
+hoss, who stood quietly in the harness, a restin wun of his hine fete.
+I thanked him, and sed I wud peroose the trak, an hoped to find the
+ile, and silver, he spoak of. Not tu be bete in generosity, I opened
+the lid of mi waggin, and selekted a box of pills, with a full kount,
+and arisin from mi sete, I kommenced as follers, "respected kolportur,
+allou me tu disiprookate, by plasin at yur disposal a full kount box,
+of the selebrated antydiluvion pills, begot by Josh Billings (late of
+this tioga keounty,) who now stans befoor yu. These pills are friendla
+tu the innards of enny man, are holy made of rootes, are as saif tu
+take as a fotograph, and at the same time, are as thoro as a sarch
+warrant, there ar 26 ov them in a box, an tha sel, with a ful size fax
+similer of the author on the lid ov the box. He tuk the antydiluvions,
+and summed up as follers, "docter Billings, the perfeshun which you hav
+chose, is wone ov the most anshient as wel as wone of the most humain,
+it speaks volumes in yur praze, and as i winde mi wa on errants of
+soal mersa, upon mi noble hoss (whose only falt, or rather misfortin
+is a paneful saddil gaul,) swete gushes of jowus thout will wel up
+from mi happer harte, that praps our auspicious meeting tu da ma bee
+the menes of awakin in yu, a arnest kry what shal i du tu bee saved."
+At the kloze ov this speach, i wud have bin willin tu bet a Box of
+antydiluvions agin a 10 rowed papir of solid headed pins, that the
+kolporter was nasty on a hoss swap, and i kum tu the konklusion that i
+wud just feal of his stile in that wa. Pretendin tu hav just notised
+his hoss i went inter fits over the diskivery, and soon found i had
+struc a lead, for the star spangle bannor, never had at one time enny
+more sed in its praze, than the kolporter let of in favor ov his old
+hoss. Not edzackly disposed tu swaller, without stirrin, all he sed,
+i thout i wud look the kritter over, and; jumpin out ov my waggin,
+fur that purpis, soon found out that the trak pedler was after Jonas,
+insted of me. After i had got the full size of the sarkumstanses in the
+kase, i kum tu one of the brisk konklusions that the Billings family
+are subject tu, by hintin in oktave, "that the kolporter was a dam
+hiperkrit, and his spavined hoss a dam old pelter." This suddint bust
+of centiment on mi part, awoke the sleapin pieta of the trak pedlar,
+and he at wunst tuk me tu do for swarin. After i had told him, that his
+prain and my swarin, was oph of the same peace, an neather ov us ment
+any thing we sed, we parted,--the kolporter to save soals, and swap
+hosses, and Josh Billings tu sell, for 25 sents a box, the antidiluvion
+pills, as saif as rute beer, and as sartin as the bight ov a mogasin."
+
+
+
+
+LVIII.
+
+PHOTOGRAPHS.
+
+
+Enclosed yu will be pleazed tew find my fotograff, taken from life, on
+the spot, whare the circumstanze occurred. I take the liberta tew send
+yu the picter, for the 7 different ensuing reasons: 1--Photograffs are
+gitting skase. 2--If you should ever meet me by mistake, yu wud be able
+to kno me rite oph, bi asking me if I resembled the pictur. 3--I am a
+marrid man, and am the author ov a familee, and therefore the danger ov
+any femail fallin in luv with me, bi cuming in contak with the picter,
+will be painfully redused. 4--It iz better that 99 humbly cusses should
+eskape, than that one decent looking man should suffer bi not having
+hiz fotograff taken. 5--A grate menny folks, jist now at this time,
+are troubled with a literature on the brane. This pictur will put yu
+in clus communion with a man who haz had this diseaze, but who haz so
+far rekovered, that he iz able to sit up and laff at others, who are
+trieing to ketch the same disorder. 6--I resembel this pictur, and that
+ken be ced ov so few things in this wurld, that i thought noboddy would
+git mad and call me a verry d--n fule, for sirkulating the pictur.
+7--The artiss said I was hard tew take, and this pictur was a triumph
+ov the art; he alzo added that some ware so eazy tew take that it was
+actooally dangerous tew leave ennything in their reach. These reasons
+must be mi excuse for sending yu my pictur; if it don't look as yu
+expekted i did, jist let me kno, and i will have one taken that duz.
+Verry highly i remane yures,
+
+ JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+[Illustration: Josh Billings having stopped to kiss the baby once more,
+arrives at the depot just too late to catch the Express train (?)--_See
+page 156._]
+
+
+
+
+LIX.
+
+AFFERISIMS.
+
+
+ I suppoze the reazon why wimmin are so fast talkers, is bekause tha
+ dont hav tew stop tew spit on their hands.
+
+ After Joseph's bretheren had beat him out ov hiz cut ov menny cullers,
+ what did tha dew nex? Tha pittied him!
+
+ Thare is nothing in this life that will open the pores ov a man so
+ mutch, as tew fall in luv, it makes him fluent as a tin whissell, as
+ limber as a boy's watch chain, and as perlite as a dansing master; his
+ harte is as full ov sunshine as a hay field, and there aint any more
+ guile in him than there is in a stik ov merlasses candy.
+
+ Thare dont seem tew be enny end tew the ambishun ov men, but thare
+ is one thing that sum ov them will find out if tha ever dew get tew
+ heaven, and that is tha cant git enny further.
+
+ He who kan hold awl he gits, kan most generally git more.
+
+ Conshense, is onla another name for truth.
+
+ Yu kant alwus tell a gentleman by his clothes, but yu kan bi his
+ finger nails.
+
+ Adam invented "_Luv at first sight_," one ov the gratest laber saving
+ masheens the world ever saw.
+
+ It is a grave question whether, in curtailing super-fluitys in these
+ hard times, we have a moral right tew cut oph a dorg's tale tew save
+ the expense ov boarding it.
+
+ Are Greenbacks a lawful tender? If yu dont believe it tri one on me,
+ espeshila one ov the heavy ones.
+
+ Dont never parade yure good luck, nor yure bad luck before men, the
+ first will make them think less ov _yu_, and the second will make them
+ think more of _themselves_.
+
+ Thare are a grate multitude ov individuals who are like blind mules,
+ anxious enough to kick, but kant tell whare.
+
+ I hav herd a grate deal ced about "_broken hartes_," and thare may be
+ a fu ov them, but mi experiense is that nex tew the gizzard, the harte
+ is the tuffest peace ov meat in the whole critter.
+
+
+
+
+LX.
+
+JOSH GITS ORFULLY BIT.
+
+ I du consider musketers,
+ The moste pesky, ov all God's creeters.
+
+
+I hav finally ketched it. I hav bin like a lam led sudden tu the
+slauter and had mi blood sucked out ov me, az though it waz only sweet
+sider, and belonged tu sumbody else. I am a man ov peace, but low, and
+behold! there aint a peace in me now, but what iz bit, punkterd, and
+tore.
+
+ When muskeeters whisper in yure ear,
+ The devils angels are hovring near.
+
+I retired laste nite tu rest, at the usual time; on the north side ov
+me, and about 2 feet adjacent, waz the side ov the hous, on the south
+side ov me, and about 2 feet adjacent la mi wife. I dropt tu sleep,
+az a snoflake dus on the buzzum ov a silvery Lake, (i have a faint
+idee that this laste sentense, for lovlaness, kant be beat, handy.) I
+dreamed a good-sized, hot dream.
+
+ It felt like the breth ov a kanada Thissell,
+ A round mi hed, a triing tu Whissell
+
+ Suddenly i awoke.
+
+The room waz full ov yels, and skreams. responsiv I dashed wildly
+akross the room, ackompanied by mi shirt tale. i lit a lite. I harked,
+one ov mi moste reliable harks. Awl waz still; still az a crows nest,
+in the ded ov winter. I gazed a gaze, az tho i waz triing tu thread the
+rong end ov a kambrik needle. Awa in the distance, solitara, and alone,
+clus up tu the ceiling, chawing hiz cud, sot a little grey cuss. I
+dipped a koars towel into a basen ov water, and rung it out, i krept up
+under the little grey cuss, i tuk aim, and fired,
+
+ And hit the spot,
+ Whare the little grey cuss had sot.
+
+Awl waz still again. I onlighted the kandle, and saught mi kouch.
+
+
+
+
+LXI.
+
+THINGS THAT SUIT ME.
+
+
+ I like an aimabel man, (not one who will let yu spit on him,) but one
+ who don't want tew spit on enny boddy else.
+
+ I like a stirring man, (not one who stirs up musses,) but one who haz
+ got sumthing tew dew and duz it.
+
+ I like a good looking man, (not a pretty man), but one who looks
+ well--into things, one whom yu can't phule with a mare's nest, unless
+ he sees the old mare on it.
+
+ I like a gritty man, (not a dirty one), but one that pitches in like a
+ frog oph from a saw log, no matter how deep the water iz.
+
+I like a fass hoss, (one that goes fass bekauze he luvs tew), sich a
+critter iz half human; he never ought to be hitched tew a plough, he
+ought tew be took out ov hiz stable az a wild pigeon had out of hiz
+cage, and let him--go.
+
+
+I like a rat tarrier with hiz hair awl combed forward, hiz eyes on
+fire, hiz tale straight out stiff, evry muscle alive, and the entire
+dorg only 3 feet off from a rat hole.
+
+
+I like a woman, (handsum if it iz convenient,) with more wisdum than
+larning, chaste, but not frozen, soft, but not silly, and fond, but not
+fussy, sich wimmin are skase, and are going tew be skaser.
+
+
+I like religion, (the kind that wurks 6 days and rests on the 7,) which
+acks on a man's soul, az congriss water duz on hiz boddy, phesicks him
+well, but dont make him enny weaker.
+
+
+I like good order--good morals--good frends--and awl things well dun,
+except beefsteak, and that I want rare dun.
+
+
+
+
+LXII.
+
+MY FUST GONG.
+
+
+I never kan eradicate holy from mi memry the sound ov the first gong I
+ever herd--i was setting on the frunt stupe ov a tavern in the sitty
+ov Bufferlo, pensively a smokin. The sun was a goin tu bed, and the
+heavens fur and nere was blushing at the purformanse. The Eri kanall
+with its goldin waters was on its windin wa tu albany, and i was
+perusin the line botes, a flotin by, and thinkin ov Italy, (whare i
+used tu live,) and her gondolers, and gallus wimmin. Mi entire sole
+was, as it ware in a swet, i wanted tu climb, i felt grate, i aktually
+grew. Thar ar things in this life tu big tu be trifled with, thar ar
+times when a man brakes luce from hisself, when he sees speerits, when
+he kan almost tuch the moon, and feels as tho he kud fill both hands
+with the stars ov heavin and almost sware he was a bank president.
+Thats what ailed me. But the korse ov tru luv never did run smoove,
+(this iz Shakesperes opinion too, i and he often think thru one quill)
+just az i was duing my best, ... dummer, dummer, spat, bang, beller,
+crash, roar, ram, dummer, dummer, whang, rip, rare, rally, dummer,
+dummer, dummer dum, ... with one tremenjis jump, i struck the senter
+ov the side walk, with anuther i kleared the gutter and with anuther,
+i stud in the middle ov the strets snorting like a injin poney, at a
+band ov musik; i gazed in wilde dispare at the tavern stand, mi harte
+swelled up as big as an out door oven, mi teeth were as luce as a
+string ov prairy beads. I thout all the crokery in the tavern stand had
+fell down, i thout ov fenomenoms, i thought ov gabrel and his horn. i
+was just on the pint ov thinking ov sumthing else when the landlord
+cum out to the frunt stupe ov the tavern stand holding by a string the
+bottom ov an old brass kittle. He called me gentla with his hand i went
+slola and sadla tu him, he calmed mi feres, he ced it was a gong; i saw
+the cussed thing, he ced supper was reddy, he axed me if i would hav
+black or green tea and i ced i would.
+
+
+
+
+LXIII.
+
+PROVERBS.
+
+
+Up-and-down men are skase, but the horizontal are less skaser.
+
+
+Thare iz sum disseazes that kant be kured even bi deth, for we oftin
+see them brake out on a man's tombstun more violent than ever.
+
+
+The _burden_ ov menny ov the songs that are ritten iz the song itself.
+
+
+Thare iz no better kompliment tew vartue than this: "That Vise alwus
+konkocts her grate plans in the naim ov vartue."
+
+
+The tempel ov Fame iz lokated on an exceeding hi mountin, and yu hav
+got tew fli or kreep tew git tew it. (N. B. This provarb haz bin ced
+before, and ain't one ov mine, but it iz jiss as tru as tho it was.)
+
+
+Buty iz a short suckcess, but while it lastes it iz quite pretty.
+
+
+"The _flour_ ov the familee," iz, alas! quite oftin a little injun.
+
+
+If innersense iz onla the result ov ignoranse, it ain't enny more one
+ov the vartues than buty iz; but if it iz the effek ov eddikashun it iz
+the queen ov the vartues.
+
+
+Vartue needs awl the enemys she haz got, tew keep her tools bright and
+in order.
+
+
+I never beleaved mutch in _spirits_ unless tha kum direk from Jamaka,
+and then onla in small-sized ones.
+
+
+"Absense ov mind;" about 2 thirds ov the humin rase are trubbled with
+this kalamitee.
+
+
+It taiks 2 tew maik a bargin; it ought tew taik 2 tew brake it.
+
+
+Yu ma differ as mutch as yu plese about the stile ov a yung lady's
+figger, but i tell yu konfidenshally, if she has got $40,000, the
+figger is about as near rite as yu wil git it.
+
+
+"Glory enuff for one day;" attending a kamp meeting.
+
+
+Goldsmith sez, "Larn the luxury ov dewing good;" but the luxury, now a
+daze, consiss in larning how tew du a leetle better.
+
+
+I often hear affekshunate husbands kall their wifes "Mi Duck," i wunder
+if this ain't a sli delusion tew their big bills?
+
+
+
+
+LXIV.
+
+DISIPLIN IZ EVRATHING--IN 2 PARTS.
+
+
+_Part Fust_--I dont suppoze thare is enny dout about this assershun.
+A man who haint got propper disiplin, iz jist about ov az mutch uze
+tew hiz fellow critters az a wether cock wud be amung a parcil ov
+barnyard pulletts. Injuns haint got enny disciplin, and, konsequentla,
+the more injuns a man had tew run a kotton faktory with, the wus he
+wud be oph. Turning a grinstone iz fust rate disiplin. If a man ov
+ornary mind haint got disiplin, he bekums a lofer the fust good chanse
+he gits. Thare haz bin, perhaps, a fu individoals born into the world
+that did'nt want mutch disiplin--Homer, and Virgil, and Shakesper,
+and sich like, if tha had bin sot to turning a grinstone it mite hav
+spilt them--tha waz like Eagles, made tu fli without enny praktis.
+Disiplin iz evrathing. The thurer bred Hoss wants the smoothe bit ov
+disiplin--the mule wants the sled-stake disiplin.
+
+_Part Seckunt._--Majer Spenser had leaf ov abscense from his regiment,
+and was glad enuff, i tell yu, tew swap the pesky air ov the suthern
+konfederasy for the brittle breth ov Nu England. He spent his time a
+climeing the mountains ov his natiff land, and looking way down into
+the hollers; he worryed the trouts as tha swum up and down hill in the
+brooks, and he gethered penroyal for his good old Ma tu hang up in
+the wood hous chamber, tew make arb tea ov next winter. Majer Spenser
+had a brother who was a minister ov the gospil, and the Majer boarded
+with him. One Sunda nite the minister and the Majer sot kommuning
+together. The moon cum up out ov the East, as big as an old fashund
+kart wheel (one ov the ox kind ov kart wheels, i mean,) the stars stuk
+clean out ov the ski, and the air was filled with the musick ov the
+cows a chawing their cuds in the distance. All natur la undisturbed.
+"Brother," ced Parson, a braking the paws, "how did yu like divine
+sarvice to-day?" "Very well, sir, very well, sir," ced the Majer,
+"_if that dam deakin ov yurs hadn't refused to pra when yu asked him.
+Disiplin, sir, disiplin iz evry thing._"
+
+
+
+
+LXV.
+
+CORRESPONDENTS.
+
+
+_Olivia_--I never have visited the Mormons, but my friend Artemus Ward
+has, and he tells me they are a healthy people, and fond ov femail
+society. He says they hav more religion, akordin to their populashun,
+than tha kno what to dew with. They marry young and often. The
+produkshun ov the country iz Mormons. They beleaf in a hereafter, but
+it iz genrally a hereafter of wimmin. They are fond ov amusements, sich
+az pitching cents and sliding down hill.
+
+_Scipio_--If I had the dyspepsy I would buy me a hard trotting hoss
+(off from the kanawl,) and ride him bare back 40 miles a day for a
+spase ov time. If that didn't seem tew influense me, I would soke in
+cold water for 12 months. If that didn't seem tew influense me, I
+would issue proposals tew the lowest bidder to be fed for one year on
+bran bred and slippery elm tea. If that didn't seem tew influense
+me, I would sell my house and lot, and invest the proceeds in pattent
+medisin, and take the whole lot in rotashun. If that didn't seem tew
+influense me, I would cum tew the konklusion that I had the water
+brash, or some other thing, I didn't care which, and take a job ov
+thrashing out wet rye for evry tenth bushel, and git--well.
+
+_Clarence_--We never undertake tew return rejekted manuskrip. The fact
+iz, we don't read more than half we reject. It iz a way we hav got.
+
+_Matty_--It iz very natral that you should ask me in what manner you
+should reseave the proposal from your lover. It iz sumthing ov a trick
+tew dew it nice. You don't ought tew jump into the collar suddin, nor
+fly back suddin, like a bocky hoss, but yu ought tew take it kind,
+looking down hill, with an expreshun, about half tickled and half
+scart. After the pop iz over, if your luvver wants tew kiss you, I dont
+think I would say yes or no, but let the thing kind ov take its own
+course. There iz one thing I hav alwus stuck tew, and that iz, give me
+long courtships and engagements.
+
+_Stujent_--We never furnish ortograffs in less quantity than bi the
+package. It iz a bizness that grate men hav got into, but it dont strik
+us az being profitable nor amuzing. We furnished a near and very dear
+friend our ortograff a few years ago, for 90 days, and it got into the
+hands ov one of the banks, and it kost us $275 tew get it back. We went
+out of the bizzness then, and have not hankered for it sinse.
+
+
+
+
+LXVI.
+
+JOSH BILLINGS AT SARATOGA SPRINGS.
+
+
+It will probely fill you with an arnest solisitude for mi fate, az it
+dus me with emoshuns of stupenjus grander, tu find miself at this grate
+modern Siloam, this august whirlpool ov wine, wimmin and hosses; this
+fairy sceen ov poetry, dreams, and natural fisick. Upon mi arival,
+i took immegiate rooms at the tavern called the "_Union_ now and
+forever," and commensed at onst tu kreate a sensashun--"Dignatum hok
+hanimum disisimo." This centiment is from the Chocktaw ov Raphael, and
+is one ov mi faverite quotashuns.
+
+The town is about haf full ov folks, menny of them hav been highly
+renowned. I kould name them personaly by name, but this wud look like
+affekshun in me, az tha hav alreddy sent in their kard, and begged the
+privilege ov kalling on me, at mi moste soonest spare time. It will
+be impossible for me, my amiable friends, tu give yu ennything like
+a well digested orashun, ov the eckstatick wonders that hover around
+me, among which i am permitted tu menshun the pensiv modesta ov the
+unmarried; the gushing rapture ov the married; the shadowy tenderness
+ov the widders, and the universal fisick that fills up the pauzes.
+Theze are subjecks which hav bin writ onto so much that all the good
+things haz bin said.
+
+It iz a source ov grate pride tu see so menny here from youre citty,
+and what fills me with gratitude tu an overruling Providence, iz the
+fac that their festiv naturs develop into such lovelyness here; thare
+iz dekon L----, and Elder P----, for instanze, with whom i take a drink
+evry time tha ask me. I think now that i shall remain here for sevral
+years. I am allmost sorry i didn't bring mi jewelry trunk with me; i'll
+bet i could hav sold a thousand Dollars worth a da, ov brest pins. It
+iz a fust rate place here tu buy hosses cheap. i waz offered 2 carriage
+hosses for onla 25 hundred dollars; i shud hav tuk them, but i couldn't
+hire enny boddy tu take them hum for me. There iz a grate menny here
+who talk with a forrin tung. I am trieing it. My wife laffs at me, and
+kalls me "her dark komplekted one!"--Tha hav got here alreddy tu or
+three billyard tabils in suckcessful operrashun, and i am told that, if
+pease iz declared, nex season tha intend tu start a 10-pin allee.
+
+Congriss Spring is lokated here; it tasts verry much like sumthing
+or ruther, i kant tell which, and iz now generally admitted tu be
+kartharticus. I am partiklar impressed with the moral centiment that
+pervades things here. I am told a man wanted tu hire a room tu gamble
+in with dominoze, but the authoritize immejiately burnt him in effigee.
+Dimonds are trumps here, and menny good hands are held. Thare is no end
+tu the number ov selebrated belles here. Thare is one that cums out
+about 3 o'clock every day, that takes them all down. I allude now in
+a kind ov burleskish wa tu the _dinner_-bell. But, after all, Solomon
+gits mi time when he bust out in this fashun, "All is vanitee and
+vexashun of spirits." Good for Solomon! Mi christain friends, good-bi.
+
+ JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+
+
+LXVII.
+
+NOT ENNY SHANGHI FOR ME.
+
+
+The shanghi ruseter is a gentile, and speaks in a forrin tung. He is
+bilt on piles like a Sandy Hill crane. If he had bin bilt with 4 legs,
+he wud resembel the peruvian lama. He is not a game animil, but quite
+often cums off sekund best in a ruff and tumble fite; like the injuns,
+tha kant stand sivilization, and are fast disappearing. Tha roost on
+the ground, similar tew the mud turkle. Tha oftin go to sleep standing,
+and sum times pitch over, and when tha dew, tha enter the ground like a
+pickaxe. Thare food consis ov korn in the ear. Tha crow like a jackass,
+troubled with the bronskeesucks. Tha will eat as mutch tu onst as a
+district skule master, and ginerally sit down rite oph tew keep from
+tipping over. Tha are dredful unhandy tew cook, yu hav tu bile one eend
+ov them tu a time, yu kant git them awl into a potash kittle tu onst.
+The femail ruster lays an eg as big as a kokernut, and is sick for a
+week afterwards, and when she hatches out a litter of yung shanghis she
+has tew brood them standing and then kant kiver but 3 ov them--the rest
+stand around on the outside, like boys around a cirkus tent, gitting
+a peep under the kanvas when ever tha kan. The man who fust brought
+the breed into this kuntry ought tew own them all and be obliged tew
+feed them on grasshoppers, caught bi hand. I never owned but one and
+he got choked tu deth bi a kink in a clothes line, but not until he
+had swallered 18 feet ov it. Not enny shanghi for me, if yu pleze; i
+wuld rather board a travelling kolporter, and as for eating one, giv me
+a biled owl rare dun, or a turkee buzzard, roasted hole, and stuffed
+with a pair ov injun rubber boots, but not enny shanghi for me, not a
+shanghi!
+
+
+
+
+LXVIII.
+
+IS DISPOSING OV THINGS FOR CHARITABEL PURPOSES BI "LOT" A SIN?
+
+EXAMINED BY JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+_Fustly_--I think it is a sin. So it is a sin tew dew a sin, that good
+may cum out ov it, but the good that comes out ov it aint a sin, is it?
+Ha!
+
+_Sekundly_--I think it is a sin onse more. So i think the manefakter ov
+sider brandee is a sin, but the use ov it tew kure the rhumatiz aint a
+sin mutch.
+
+_Thirdly_--I think it is a sin onse morely. So is this war a sin, but
+we awl of us are in hopes that its fruits will be righteousness, and
+righteousness aint no sin.
+
+_Fourthly_--I keep thinking that it is a sin. So is cutting oph a dog's
+tale tew keep it from gitting stepped on, a sin, but it dont hurt the
+dog for ketching rats, duz it?
+
+_Fifthly_ and _lastly_, i kno it is a sin. Bekase awl those who make
+the most fuss about it, are the verry ones, who if tha shud be misled
+into buying a tiket for one dollar and didn't draw a mowing masheen,
+wud feal rite off as tho the Lord warnt on their side.
+
+_Moral._--Dont engage in a "Lot," unless yu are parfekly willing the
+Lord shud have the tiket and the mowing masheen too.
+
+[Illustration: "Not enny Shanghi for me, not enny."--_See page 189._]
+
+
+
+
+LXIX.
+
+ADVERTIZEMENT.
+
+
+I kan sell for eighteen hundred and thirty-nine dollars, a pallas,
+a sweet and pensive retirement, lokated on the virgin banks ov the
+Hudson, kontaining 85 acres. The land is luxuriously divided by
+the hand of natur and art, into pastor and tillage, into plain and
+deklivity, into stern abruptness, and the dallianse ov moss-tufted
+medder; streams ov sparkling gladness, (thick with trout,) danse
+through this wilderness ov buty, tew the low musik ov the kricket and
+grasshopper. The evergreen sighs az the evening zephir flits through
+its shadowy buzzum, and the aspen trembles like the luv-smitten harte
+ov a damsell. Fruits ov the tropicks, in golden buty, melt on the bows,
+and the bees go heavy and sweet from the fields to their garnering
+hives. The manshun iz ov Parian marble, the porch iz a single diamond,
+set with rubiz and the mother ov pearl; the floors are ov rosewood,
+and the ceilings are more butiful than the starry vault of heavin. Hot
+and cold water bubbles and squirts in evry apartment, and nothing is
+wanting that a poet could pra for, or art could portray. The stables
+are worthy of the steeds ov Nimrod or the studs ov Akilles, and its
+henery waz bilt expressly for the birds of paradice; while somber in
+the distance, like the cave ov a hermit, glimpses are caught ov the
+dorg-house. Here poets hav cum and warbled their laze--here skulptors
+hav cut, here painters hav robbed the scene ov dreamy landskapes, and
+here the philosopher diskovered the stun, which made him the alkimist
+ov natur. Nex northward ov this thing ov buty, sleeps the residense
+and domain ov the Duke John Smith; while southward, and nearer the
+spice-breathing tropicks, may be seen the barronial villy ov Earl
+Brown, and the Duchess, Widder Betsy Stevens. Walls ov primitiff rock,
+laid in Roman cement, bound the estate, while upward and downward, the
+eye catches far away, the magesta and slow grander ov the Hudson. As
+the young morn hangs like a cutting ov silver from the blu brest ov the
+ski, an angel may be seen each night dansing with golden tiptoes on the
+green. (N. B. This angel goes with the place.)
+
+Biagrams kan be seen at the offiss ov the broker. Terms flattering.
+None but principals delt with. Title as pure as the breth ov a white
+male infant, and possession given with the lark. For more full
+deskripshun, read Ovid's Art ov Luv, or kall (in yure carriage) on Josh
+Billings, Real Estate Agent.
+
+
+
+
+LXX.
+
+OUT WEST!
+
+
+Tha sa the praree chickens are so thik, out West, tha hav tew put up
+poles awl over the kuntry for them tew roost on.
+
+When tha bust up, out there, tha pay their debts, by jineing the church.
+
+It being agin the law tew carry consealed weepons, evry man carrys one
+in his hand.
+
+A man who don't kno how tew pla uker, would not be believed under oath.
+
+It iz 5 dollars fine, in Cinsinnatti, tew strike a hog, in anger.
+
+Tha don't bore for ile, out thare, tha bore for whiskee, and hav the
+best luk in the visinity ov the graveyards.
+
+In sum parts, out West, it iz almoste unpossibel tew git water; one
+man in Pike County dug a well 90 feet deep, and then struk a bed ov
+sawdust; he put in an injine, and iz pumping out a 1000 bushel a da,
+which he sells tew the Government, for hoss feed.
+
+The prinsipal produkshuns or the kuntry are, whiskee in the ear, and
+rale rode stok in the bundle.
+
+
+
+
+LXXI.
+
+SAYINS.
+
+
+About the only difference between the poor and the ritch, is this, the
+poor _suffer_ mizery, while the ritch hav tu _enjoy_ it.
+
+
+"Bee yee as wize as a sarpint, and as harmlis as a duve," and then if a
+feller cums a fooling around yure duve, yu kan set yure sarpint at him.
+
+
+Rize arly, work hard, and late, live on what yu kant sell, giv nothing
+awa, and if yu dont die ritch, and go tu the devil, yu ma sue me for
+damages.
+
+
+Marrin for love ma be a little risky, but it is so honest, that God
+kant help but smile on it.
+
+
+There is one thing I kant never forgit nor I hain tried to, and that
+is, the fust time I kissed a gal.
+
+
+If I was asked, "what is the chief end of man now a daze," I should
+immegiatly repli, "10 per cent."
+
+
+Yu may argy a bull Tarrier out ov a bone, but yu kant argy a woman out
+ov her will.
+
+
+Mi advise tu them who are about tu begin, in arnest, the jurney ov
+life, is tu take their harte in one hand and a club in the other.
+
+
+The biggest glutton I ever herd tell ov, was the feller out in
+Indianny, who eat a pair ov twin lams for brekfast, and then chased the
+ole yew three miles and a haf.
+
+
+The peacock has one ov the most butifullest tails in the world, but i
+tak notis he dont drag it on the ground when he walks out.
+
+
+
+
+LXXII.
+
+A WIMMIN'S LEAGUE MEETIN.
+
+
+I don't kno when i hav bin filled so near up tew the brim with a fond
+feelink for the fair sek az i was last nite at mi natiff plase, the
+good old borough ov Billingsville, whither i had gone on a visit tew
+git mi boots tapped. The wimmin had called a meetin' ov the fair sekts
+tew take into konsiderashun the propriety ov not wareing enny more
+clothes, that is, forrin bilt clothes. The meetin waz got into shape bi
+kalling Mrs. Peleg Pewter tew the chair. The fust thing she did waz tew
+create a silence, which she did after about 30 minnits, awl excep a fu
+whispering, which she could not dry up.
+
+The style ov the meetin' having bin sot up in big type bi the Mrs.
+Peleg Pewter, she ced thare waz an opening, and no less than 4 wimmin
+started for the opening at onst; but the president decided that Mrs.
+Cynthee Coon waz about one neck ahed, and tharefore, waz entitled
+tew the fust heat. She waz a woman about 14 hands hi, and wore wollen
+stockings. She ced she waz for home manafakter and waz agin awl luxury
+excep a nu shawl, and that she must hav. She ced she waz willing tew
+giv up silk, but she must hav 1 more nu shawl if it bust her.
+
+She ced she thought thare ought tew be sum diskriminashun between what
+folks didn't want and what tha did, and for her part she was reddy tew
+go her length or ennyboddy else's length agin the noshun that poor
+people had ov hankering after imported goods.
+
+Her speech lasted for about 2 hours, and was listened to with
+breathless expense. When she sot down the wimmin gathered around her;
+sum ov them held camphor tew her noze, sum ov them unhooked her dress,
+and one ov them, more thoughtful than the rest, mixed up a gin sling,
+which she struggled with for a minnit, and then ced it did her soul
+good. A committee ov 3 ov the heavyest wimmin was appointed bi the
+chair with power tew draw up a sett ov resolushuns which was reported
+as follows:
+
+_Whereas_, resolved, that silks, and shawls, and so forth, are a luxury
+from imported kuntrys, and we are down on them.
+
+_Resolved_, that we are down on silks and shawls.
+
+_Resolved_, that we wont uze silks and shawls onla in case ov sickness.
+
+_Resolved_, that the foregoing resolushuns be published 3 times a week
+in the _Billingsville Weekly_, and that our husbands foot the bills or
+we foot them--the bills.
+
+_Resolved_, that we pledg ourselfs, our fortins, and our natiff land,
+tew sustane the above sett ov resolushuns.
+
+After taking a pinch ov snuff, and kissing awl around, the meeting
+broke up tew meet "sine die" on the next Teusday.... Ov course no
+male man was allowed at the meetin', but i receaved a koppa ov the
+resolushuns the nex morning, accompanyed with mi respeks.
+
+
+
+
+LXXIII.
+
+A TRUE FISH STORY FOUNDED ON FAK.
+
+
+In a little town awa out wes whar i used tew liv, thare wast two elders
+resided. One ov them wast a Babtiss, Gaffit bi name, and the other wast
+a Methodis, Sturgiss bi name, and both ov them wast as good fellers as
+ever sarved the Lord. As good luk wud hav it tha both had a revival ov
+religion in their floks at the same time. Gaffit was a cunning critter,
+besides being as harmless as the duv. Thare was but one pond in the
+town, and that was used for babtizing by agreement, on wensday ov each
+week, bi Gaffit, and on saturday bi Sturgiss. One wensday, as Gaffit
+was engaged in marking his sheep, or in uther wurds, was bi the side ov
+the little pond ov water adminstering the rite ov babtism tew a goodla
+number, whom he had coaxed awa from the wiles ov the devil, Sturgiss
+looked in upon the happy scene, with eys brimful ov luv. Amung the
+menny who ware waiting tew be babtized, Sturgiss diskovered sevral
+whom he had convikted, and whom he expekted tew add tew his flok on the
+cumming saturda. The nex da the two elders met, Sturgiss charged Gaffit
+with the pious fraud he had detekted bi the side ov the little pond.
+Gaffit's eyes puckered with delite, as he listened tew the charge,
+then seezin the methodis elder bi the hand with an extra pucker in his
+eye, whispered: "Brother Sturgiss, mi father larnt me when i was but a
+little fisher-boy, tew string mi fish as fast as i ketched 'em."
+
+
+
+
+LXXIV.
+
+AT SARATOGA SPRINGS.
+
+
+I arrived here nite before last at arly kandle lite. Mi wife and 2
+children ackompanyed me. The fust thing that i did was tu call for a
+tavern; i got one immegiately, and took a room, from choice, in the
+Seventh story, all the rooms above wer took. The tavern whare i stop,
+is called the Union, one, and inseprable. The bar is stocked with the
+choicest lickers. Thare must be 3 or 4 hundred black serviants here,
+tha all wear white aporns, and hav their hair curled clos. The tavern
+keeper rings a gong with a klub when the vittles is reddy, and then the
+boarders march in; 'tis a moste effecting site! I havent et ennything
+yet but briled chickens. I gess evry body here knows me, tha look at me
+so. I kreated a sensashun yesterday after dinner, on the front stupe
+ov the tavern, by calling a cullard servant tu pick mi teeth. I herd
+one ov the ladys sa, "i was an English Lord, she had saw me at Nuport
+laste seson." I shall sta here as long as i can injuce mi females tu
+remain. This is the place where the congriss water cums from; tha dip
+it up out ov a hole in the ground, with a roof over it, you can drink 4
+or 5 tumblers ov it tu onst, without swallering; it tastes a good deal
+like sumthing i never tasted before, and it operates on the inwards
+for all the world, just like pills. It dus look so funny tu see 8 or 9
+hundred mails, and femails, all taking fisick tu once; 'tis a pensiv
+sight! The town kontains about 6 thousand folks, and about as menny
+more individuals; the individuals spend their time going up and down
+the back stairs and taking fisick. The natur ov the sile around here
+is sandy, and pine trees, about half and half. Thare is a rase course
+here, built in a sircile, whare tha make hosses go round and round;
+tis delitesum tu behold! Three miles out east of the village tha hav
+built a fashionable pond; evrybody goes thare tu spend their munny; tha
+ask 8 cents a glass for their whiska! The sosietah here is permiskus,
+blaklegs and deakons, divines and pugerlistics, judges and jockeys,
+congressmen and harlots, devils and Quakers, so judciously mixed up,
+'tis food for the filosopick mind. A grate menny young wimmin are
+brought here annually tu git married; the kourting is all did by the
+mothers, in fac the wimmin du it all here excep pay the bills. A man
+at Saratoger don't hav enny more tu sa, or du, than an old gander dus
+when a goose is setting. The citizens ov this place hav onla one kind
+ov religion or pollyticks, and that is congriss water. I kant rite enny
+more just now, i hav got tu go down stairs.
+
+ Aju, JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+
+
+LXXV.
+
+SPIRITUAL BELIEF OV THE BILLINGSES.
+
+
+We beleaf in ardent spirits--sich az charitee, parsaveranse, and
+patrotism. We beleaf in animil spirits--sich az fast hosses, vigerous
+cats, and ambishus rat terriers. We beleaf in the spirits ov 76--sich
+az ole Jamaka, and Santa Cruize, jist a little for the rumatiz. We
+beleaf in the evidence ov departed spirits, a good deal--sich az
+temprance houses, lemonade picknix, and water kure establishments. We
+beleaf in the spirits of just men--but beleaf they ar skase. We beleaf
+in the spirit ov revenge--if a muskeeter bites you without provocation,
+kill awl the muskeeters, nex ov kin, in the naberhood. We beleaf in the
+spirit ov forgiveness--if we owe a man, and we won't pay him, let him
+forgiv the det.
+
+
+
+
+LXXVI.
+
+JOSH BILLINGS CORRESPONDS WITH A "HAIR OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN".
+
+
+_Dear Doktor Hirsute_:--I reseaved a tin cup ov yure "Hair purswader,"
+also a bottle ov yure "Salvashum Bitters", bi express, for which, I
+express my thanks. The greenbak, which yu enklozed waz the kind ov
+purswader that we ov the press fully understand. Yur hair greese, shall
+hav a reglar gimnastik puff, jist az soon az i kan find a spare time.
+I tried a little ov it on an old counter brush in my offiss, this
+morning, and in 15 minnitts, the brussells grew az long az a hosses
+tale, and i notis this afternoon, the hair begins tew cum up thru, on
+bak ov the brush, 'tis really wonderful! 'tis almoste Eureka! I rubbed
+a drop or two on the head ov mi cane, which haz bin bald for more than
+5 years, and beggar me! if I don't hav to shave the cane handle, evry
+day, before I can walk out with it. I hav a verry favrite cat, she iz
+one ov the Hambletonian breed ov cats, and altho she iz young, and
+haint bin trained yet, she shows grate signs ov speed. I thought I
+would just rob the corck ov the bottle on the floor, in the corner ov
+the room whare the cat generally repozes. The consequents waz, sum ov
+the "purswader" got onto the hair ov the cat's tale. When the cat aroze
+from her slumbers she caught sight ov her tale, which had growed tew
+an exalted size; taking one more look at the tale, she started, and bi
+the good olde Mozes! sich running; across the yard! over the fence! up
+wun side ov an apple tree! and down the other! out into the fields,
+away! away! The laste i saw ov the cat, she waz pretty mutch awl tale.
+I wouldn't hav took 10 dollars for the cat, with her old tale on her.
+In a fu daze, i shall find a spare time, and then i shall write up, for
+our paper sumthing pyroteknik, which will make the hair grow on the
+head ov a number 2 mackrel, to read it.
+
+Dear Doktor, the fact iz, "sum men are born grate, sum men git grate
+after they are born, and sum men hav grateness hove upon them." Doctor,
+you are awl 3 ov these men, in one. You are a kind ov vegatable
+trinity, sassyfrass, pokeroot, and elderberry. It waz a happee thought
+in you, tew call your "Salvashun Bitters" a "vegatabel tonicks,"
+although, old rye aint one ov the vegatabels, whiskee iz one ov the
+tonicks. The peopel must hev tonicks, and the more vegatabels you kan
+git into the gratest amount ov whiskee, the more the peopel will luv
+you. Thare is nothing the christian world long for so mutch, just
+now, as a vegatabel bitter. Sassyfrass is good for a lonesum stummuk,
+pokeroot is an alteratiff, and Elderberry was known to the anshients,
+but what! oh tell me what! yee whispring winds, what! are awl these
+without whiskee. Thank the Lord, that at laste, we hav got a bitter,
+that will tonick a man up. Nothing, sinze the good old daze ov Jamaka
+Rum, and sider Brandee, haz sent sich a thrill ov joy thru the wurld,
+az "Hirsute's Salvashun Bitters," sold respektably bi awl druggists,
+far and near.
+
+Go on Doktur, manafaktring, and selling, let the cod liver, and pattent
+truss men, howl out in envy, let pills rant, and plasters rave, you hav
+got what the wurld wants, and will have, and that iz, an erb bitter,
+with a broad whiskee basis.
+
+N. B.--Bizziness, Doctor, iz bizziness. The hi prise ov material,
+and laber, haz put up puffs with us, but upon the reseipt ov 50
+Dollars more, yu kan rely upon sumthing, in our weekly, that will send
+"Salvashun, and Purswashun" whirling thru the land.
+
+P. S.--Let me advize yu az a friend; if it iz indispensible necessary
+tew cheat a little, in the manufakter ov the "Salvashun Bitters," let
+it by awl means be in the rutes, dont lower the basis.
+
+ Yures quietly,
+
+ JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+
+
+LXXVII.
+
+PROVERBS.
+
+
+He who buys begrudgingly, pays the higest prise and gits nothing that
+sutes him.
+
+
+It iz jist about az mutch mizery tew _want_ a dimond ring, as tew
+_want_ a shirt.
+
+
+The author who rites for bred, wil giv hiz reeders a taste ov emptins.
+
+
+I never knu a fool who hadn't a good voice.
+
+
+Thieves hunt in couples, but a liar has no accomplice.
+
+
+Az men gro older, their opinyuns, like their disseazes, grow kronick.
+
+
+Wimmin _luv_ their hustbands, but tha _worship_ their bonnets.
+
+
+The man who kant liv a week on hope, and then maik a harty meal on the
+result is no philozopher.
+
+
+I often cum akross inidividoals, quite oftenly, who think tha hav never
+committed enny sins or indiscreshuns in this life, such people i pitty,
+for they wont kno when they git to heaven.
+
+
+Az a gineral thing, if yu want tew git at the truth ov a perlitikal
+argyment, hear both sides and beleave neither.
+
+
+Thare iz a multitude of folks who mean well enuff but how like the
+devel tha act.
+
+
+Opportunitays, like eggs don't kum but one at a time.
+
+
+I luv to gaze upon a hily eddikated and intilektooal woman, but I kant
+sa that I want tew belong tew one ov this klass.
+
+
+True honour iz a keen perception ov what iz rite, falze honour iz a
+keen affectashun ov what iz rong.
+
+
+"Giv the devil hiz due," reads wel enuff in a proverb, but mi friend
+what will bekum ov you and me if this arrangement iz carried out?
+
+
+If yu are happy, dont proklaim it tew the world, the world dont luv tew
+hear about sich things.
+
+
+A jest iz sumthing that a fule admires, and a wize man laffs at.
+
+
+Vartue that haint bin tempted, and wine that haint bin tasted, iz verry
+good vartue, and verry good wine, in bottles.
+
+
+Thare iz jist this difference between a fule and a hen, the fule
+cackels before, and the hen not till after the egg iz lade.
+
+
+
+
+LXXVIII.
+
+DOMESTIK RECEIPTS IN FULL.
+
+
+Tew sarve up cowcumbers--pick them when the dew is on them, pare them
+neatly, slice them thin, add salt and let them stand for 60 minnitts,
+pepper them freely, add good sharpe vinegar, and then--raze up the
+window carefully, and throw them out.
+
+
+Tew make watermelons the old fashioned wa--steal them bi moonlite, and
+eat them in the next lot.
+
+
+Lobsters want tew be boiled whole till they are ded, pour ice cream
+over them, send for the docktor, eat them before going tu bed, and tell
+yure friends the next da, that yu hav bin threatened with an attak ov
+the--rebbels.
+
+
+Tew remove goose pimples--skin the goose.
+
+[Illustration: Women's Rights Convention--Mrs. Peleg Pewter takes the
+chair.--_See page 200._]
+
+
+Tew kure hams--bathe them in Hostetter's Bitters.
+
+
+Tew bring up a child in the wa he should go--travel that wa yourself.
+
+
+
+
+LXXIX.
+
+FAKS.
+
+
+Josh Billings, begs leaf tu state:
+
+That onions are _good_ for a _bad_ breth.
+
+That Rockawa clams are a good opening for enny yung man.
+
+That ships are kalled _she_ bekauze tha alwus keep a man on the
+_lookout_.
+
+That "turning water into wine" is a mirakle in theze days worth, at
+least, 300 per cent.
+
+That boys aint ap to turn out well who dont git up till 10 o'clock in
+the morning.
+
+That, if a man is agoing tu make a bizness ov sarving the Lord, he
+likes tu see him du it when he measures up onions as well as when he
+hollers glory halleluyer!
+
+That wisdum aint nothing more than edikated cunning.
+
+
+
+
+LXXX.
+
+ON LECTURES.
+
+
+ Dec. 9, 1864
+
+I take my pen in hand, to inform you, that i am in the Lekturing
+bizzness. I have jined the army ov martyrs, and am having a healthy
+time. I lektured laste nite, tew a flooded house. Had a revival, evry
+fu minnits, it would hav did yu good, tew hear the people holler.
+The way things look now, i think i shall be able tew retire from
+private life, in a fu months, and keep 3 or 4 dogs, and a fish pond.
+Yesterday, i reseaved a dunnin letter, from mi fashionable tailor, for
+a coat, that has bin wore out, more than 2 years. I replied tew the
+limited cuss, briefly, as follers: "Dear sur--Enklozed, pleze find 20
+dollars--if yu can. Yures, sum, Josh Billings."
+
+I thought i would try a tragik lektur at fust, but tragediz are gitting
+so common, now a daze, that yu kan git them done, and warrented, for 25
+dollars. Mi Lektur is the normal comick, with an okasional effort tew
+be witty.
+
+I hope you are well, and hav a good appetight. Remember me kindly
+tew Reub Fenton, when yu see him.--I also reseaved 2 letters bi to
+daez male, which i will let yu answer for me; thru yure valuable
+collums.--One ov them is from an individoal, who sines his name
+"Hennery," and tuther is from a person bi the name ov "Mirakle."
+
+_Hennery_:--The best time tew sett a hen, is when the hen is reddy. I
+kant tell you what the best breed is, but the shanghigh is the meanest.
+It kosts as mutch tew board one, as it duz a stage hoss, and yu mite as
+well undertake tew fat a fanning-mill, by running oats thru it. Thare
+aint no proffitt in keeping a hen for his eggs, if he laze less than
+one a day. Hens are very long lived, if they dont contrakt the thrut
+disseaze,--thare is a grate menny goes tew pot, evry year, bi this
+melankolly disseaze. I kant tell exactly how tew pick out a good hen,
+but as a genral thing, the long-eared ones, are kounted the best. The
+one-legged ones, i kno, are the lest ap tew skratch up the garden. Eggs
+packed in equal parts ov salt, and lime water, with the other end down,
+will keep from 30, or 40, years, if they are not disturbed. Fresh
+beef-stake is good for hens; i serpoze 4 or 5 pounds a day, would be
+awl a hen would need, at fust along. I shall be happee tew advise with
+yu, at enny time, on the hen question, and--take it in egg.
+
+_Mirakle_:--Yu sa "yu kant understand the mirakle ov the whale, that
+swallered Joner". I dont serpoze that Joner, nor the whale, ever fully
+understood it themselfs. I hav thought that it was eazyer for the whale
+tew swaller Joner, than it was for the outsiders, tew swaller the
+mirakel. I kant tell yu what Joner did while in the whale's sosiety;
+but i kno what a yankee would hav did, he would hav rigged a rudder
+on the animal, and run him into port, and either klaimed the ile for
+salvage, or sold out his chanse tew a petroleun grease company.
+
+
+
+
+LXXX.
+
+YANKEE NOSHUNS.
+
+
+The noshun that skule houzens are cheaper than stait prizens.
+
+
+The noshun that men are a better krop tew raize than enny thing else.
+
+
+The noshun that the whole wurld is the markit for a man's wits.
+
+
+The noshun that a people who hav branes enuff kant be governed bi enny
+body but themselfs.
+
+
+The noshun that if yu kant make a man think az yu do; try and make him
+do az yu think.
+
+
+The noshun that the United States iz liable at any time tew be doubled,
+but aint liable at enny time tew be divided.
+
+
+The noshun that Uncle Sam kan thrash hiz own children when tha need it,
+and kan thrash the hole wurld besides.
+
+
+The noshun that Yankees are a fourordained rase, and kant be kept from
+spredding, and striking in, enny more than turpentine kan when it once
+gits luce.
+
+
+
+
+LXXXII.
+
+ATTENTION! SQUAD!
+
+
+Men kalkulate with perfek accurasy, the rate ov speed attained bi
+earthly boddys, and ov moste matter, whether sublunary, or ov a
+heavenly natur. They tell us how long a ra ov light is on the way
+from the sun--how fass a comet travels--the best time that lightning
+can make--when the stars visit, and how long they are about it--the
+fraktional lapse kontained in the hop ov a flea--the flite ov a
+swallow--the velosity ov sound, and the smartness ov a hurrycane. They
+kan tell us how long it takes old Borus, after he leaves his cave, to
+reach this earth, and button up the coats ov shivring mortals. But i
+hav sarched their theorys and ransacked their mathematicks in vain,
+tew diskover the haste ov a Slander. But we kno ov nothing, on the
+earth, or above it, that equals it in quickness. It travels as well
+in the dark, as in the light--knows no law ov gravitashun, nor ov
+heat, or cold--is not traceable, or definable--has no parentage, and
+frequently no objek--is not matter, nor an essence--may fly in the
+glance ov an eye, or be felt in the point ov a finger--is the pet ov
+almost evry one--can hav the ear when charity, love, and the delikate
+pashuns, plead in vain--is everywhare in an instant--feeds upon nothing
+but sweet things, has more friends than truth, is a lie, faster than
+the wings ov the wind, and twin racer to thought--steals into the
+sakred pulpit--at midnite, robs the chaste maiden ov the ruddy truth
+in her cheeks--hangs sackcloth upon the manly form ov honesta--cums
+in a whisper--is misterious as an echo--will betray for a prise--has
+made kings tremble--has dried up the warm pulse ov hope, and driven
+modesta shreeking away--is a skorpion, invisible, but full ov madness,
+and menny stings. Who kan tell its whereabouts? Who can rate its speed?
+Who kan annylize its meanness? Who has not listened tew its preshious
+falsehoods? and who will not, with me, pronounse it a renegade, the
+common enemy ov humanitee? and who that kan shoot flieing, will not
+help tew bring down the base bird? Attenshun, squad!
+
+[Illustration: Josh Billings delivers an extemporaneous political
+lecture.--_See page 219._]
+
+
+
+
+LXXXIII.
+
+THE FUST BABY.
+
+
+The fust baby has bekum one ov the fixed stars ov life; and ever since
+the fust one was born, on the rong side of the gardin ov Eden, down
+tew the little stranger ov yesterday, they hav never failed tew be
+a budget ov mutch joy--an event ov mutch gladness. Tew wake up some
+cheerful morning, and cee a pair ov soft eyes looking into yours--to
+wonder how so mutch buty could have been entrusted to you--to sarch out
+the father, or the mother, in the sweet little fase, and then loze the
+survey, in an instant of buty, as a laffing Angel lays before you--tew
+pla with the golden hare, and sow fond kisses upon this little bird in
+yure nest--tiz this that makes the fust baby, the joy ov awl joys--a
+feast ov the harte. Tew find the pale Mother again bi yure side, more
+luvly than when she was wooed--tew see a new tenderness in her eye, and
+tew hear the chastened sweetness ov her laff, as she tells something
+new about "Willie"-tew luv her far more than ever, and tew find oftimes
+a prayer on yure lips--tiz this that makes the fust baby a fountain ov
+sparkling plezzure. Tew watch the bud on yure rosebush, tew ketch the
+fust notes ov yure song-bird, tew hear the warm praze ov kind frends,
+and tew giv up yure hours tew the trezzure--tiz this that makes the
+fust baby a gift that Angels hav brought yu. Tew look upon the trak
+that life takes--tew see the sunshine and shower--tew plead for the
+best, and shrink from the wust--tew shudder when sikness steals on, and
+tew be chastened when death comes--tiz this--oh! tiz this that makes
+the fust baby a hope upon arth, and a gem up in heaven.
+
+
+
+
+LXXXIV.
+
+LAUGHING.
+
+
+Laughing is strikly an amuzement, altho some folks make a bizzness ov
+it. It haz bin considered an index ov karakter, and thare iz sum, so
+close at reasoning, that they say, they kan tell what a man had for
+dinner, by seeing him laff. I never saw two laff alike. While thare are
+some, who dont make enny noise, thare are sum, who dont make ennything
+but noise; and sum agin, who hav musik in their laff, and others, who
+laff just az a rat duz, who haz caught a steel trap, with his tale.
+Thare is no mistake in the assershun, that it is a cumfert tew hear sum
+laffs, that cum rompin out ov a man's mouth, just like a distrik school
+ov yung girls, let out tew play. Then agin thare iz sum laffs, that
+are az kold and meaningless az a yesterday's bukwheat pancake,--that
+cum out ov the mouth twisted, and gritty, az a 2 inch auger, drawed
+out ov a hemlok board. One ov these kind ov laffs haz no more cumfert
+in it than the--stummuk ake haz, and makes yu feel, when yu hear it,
+az though yu waz being shaved bi a dull razer, without the benefit ov
+soap, or klergy. Men who never laff may have good hearts, but they are
+deep seated,--like sum springs, they hav their inlet and outlet from
+below, and show no sparkling bubble on the brim. I don't like a gigler,
+this kind ov laff iz like the dandylion, a feeble yeller, and not a bit
+ov good smell about it. It iz true that enny kind ov a laff iz better
+than none,--but giv me the laff that looks out ov a man's eyes fust,
+to see if the coast is clear, then steals down into the dimple ov his
+cheek, and rides in an eddy thare awhile, then waltzes a spell, at the
+korners ov his mouth, like a thing ov life, then busts its bonds ov
+buty, and fills the air for a moment with a shower ov silvery tongued
+sparks,--then steals bak, with a smile, to its lair, in the harte, tew
+watch agin for its prey,--this it is the kind ov laff that i luv, and
+aint afrade
+
+
+
+
+LXXXV.
+
+PIONEERS.
+
+
+God bless the pironeers--the whole ov them--inkluding the man who fust
+rode a mule. Hiz name waz Stickfasst, he will be remembered az long az
+black wax will be, hiz posterity have aul bin good stickers, sum ov
+the best clothes-pins the world ever saw, cum from this familee....
+I remember olde Buffaloo. He waz a sunsett pironeer; he started tew
+discover, "out west," 40 years ago, hiz property was a wife, with the
+side ake, 2 galls, just busting thru their clothes into womanhood,
+2 boys, who kould kill a skunk at 3 paces, and dodge the smell, a
+one-hoss wagging, a rifle, and a brass-kittle, he squat at Rock River,
+in the Illinoise, for 6 months, and then moved on more westly, the
+last that ware seen ov him, was the hind-board ov hiz wagging, just
+doubling the top ov the rocky mountains.... And thare waz Beltrigging,
+who fust diskovered the tempranse question, he had bin a suckcessful
+rumdrinker, and seller for 36 years, and had retired with a pile, he
+diskovered kold water one day, on the back side ov hiz farm, digging
+out foxes; he lektured nex day, in a 7-day babtiss church, and told
+his xperiense; he made 13 hundred dollars lekturing, and died 9 years
+afterwards, in grate agony, having drank 4 drops ov french brandee, on
+a lump ov brown sugar bi mistake. He begot Springwater, and Springwater
+begot Rainwater, and Rainwater begot Dewdrop, and Dewdrop begot
+Morning-Mist, awl ov them selebrated tempranse lekturers.... And there
+waz Solomon Saw-dust, the author ov bran-bred, and nailrod-soup; he waz
+a champion ov lite weights; he fit the dispepshee in aul its forms; he
+lived for 18 months, at one heat, on the smell ov a red herring, and
+gained 9 pounds in wind. He had menny admirers and immitaturs the moste
+grate ov which was Wet Pack and Water Kure.... And there waz Mehitable
+Saffron, the virgin-hero ov wimmins' rights; i herd her fust orashun,
+in the town hall; she spoke without notes, at arms' length. She ced,
+"woman had a destiny that man kouldn't fill for her, and az for her,
+she could go it alone, she didn't want no he-creeter around her, she
+had on a pair of kowhide pegged boots, and closed up bi holding hi in
+the air, a pair ov corduroy breeches, which she swore bi the good olde
+Mozes, waz awl enny man had to brag ov".... She waz the first pironeer
+in the corduroy britches business, she died celibate, and haz had menny
+followers amung her sexes, but none that had the jism she had.... And
+then thare waz Old Perpetual; he got crazee at last, but not till he
+had invented a pitch-pine dog, with a bass-wood tail, that would bark
+and chase every wagging that cum along, clean down to the bridge over
+bean kreek. He got out a patent for a sorrel horse, and a nu milch cow,
+and lived till he was 90 years olde, and then died from a kold he had
+caught, down seller, trieing tew make soft sope, out ov bull's liver.
+On hiz grave stun waz these affekting paragraph: "State, and county
+rights for sale, enquire ov ---- the widder."
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ "_There is a kind of physiognomy in the titles
+ of books no less than in the faces of
+ men, by which a skilful observer
+ will know as well what to expect
+ from the one as the
+ other._"--BUTLER.
+
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+NEW BOOKS
+
+And New Editions Recently Issued by CARLETON, Publisher, New York,
+
+Madison Square, corner Fifth Av. and Broadway.
+
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+
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+
+ THE ART OF AMUSING.--With 150 illustrations. 12mo. cl., $1.50
+ FRIENDLY COUNSEL FOR GIRLS.--A charming book. do. $1.50
+ THE CHRISTMAS FONT.--By Mary J. Holmes. do. $1.00
+ ROBINSON CRUSOE.--A Complete edition. do. $1.50
+ LOUIE'S LAST TERM.--By author Rutledge. do. $1.75
+ ROUNDHEARTS, and other stories.-- do. do. $1.75
+ PASTIMES WITH MY LITTLE FRIENDS.-- do. $1.50
+ WILL-O'-THE-WISP.--From the German. do. $1.50
+
+
+M. Michelet's Remarkable Works.
+
+ LOVE (L'AMOUR).--Translated from the French. 12mo. cl., $1.50
+ WOMAN (LA FEMME).-- do. do. $1.50
+
+
+Ernest Renan.
+
+ THE LIFE OF JESUS.--Translated from the French. 12mo. cl., $1.75
+ THE APOSTLES.-- do. do. $1.75
+ SAINT PAUL.-- do. do. $1.75
+
+
+Popular Italian Novels.
+
+ DOCTOR ANTONIO.--A love story. By Ruffini. 12mo. cl., $1.75
+ BEATRICE CENCI.--By Guerrazzi, with portrait. do. $1.75
+
+
+Rev. John Cumming, D.D., of London.
+
+ THE GREAT TRIBULATION.--Two series. 12mo. cloth, $1.50
+ THE GREAT PREPARATION.-- do. do. $1.50
+ THE GREAT CONSUMMATION.-- do. do. $1.50
+ THE LAST WARNING CRY.-- do. $1.50
+
+
+Mrs. Ritchie (Anna Cora Mowatt).
+
+ FAIRY FINGERS.--A capital new novel. 12mo. cloth, $1.75
+ THE MUTE SINGER.-- do. do. $1.75
+ THE CLERGYMAN'S WIFE.--and other stories. do. $1.75
+
+
+T. S. Arthur's New Works.
+
+ LIGHT ON SHADOWED PATHS.--A novel. 12mo. cloth, $1.50
+ OUT IN THE WORLD.-- do. do. $1.50
+ NOTHING BUT MONEY.-- do. do. $1.50
+ WHAT CAME AFTERWARDS.-- do. do. $1.50
+ OUR NEIGHBORS.-- do. do. $1.50
+
+
+Geo. W. Carleton.
+
+ OUR ARTIST IN CUBA.--With 50 comic illustrations. $1.50
+ OUR ARTIST IN PERU.-- do. do. $1.50
+ OUR ARTIST IN AFRICA.--(_In press_) do. $1.50
+
+
+John Esten Cooke.
+
+ FAIRFAX.--A brilliant new novel. 12mo. cloth, $1.75
+ HILT TO HILT.-- do. do. $1.50
+ HAMMER AND RAPIER.-- do. do. $1.50
+ OUT OF THE FOAM.-- do. _In press._ do.
+
+
+How to Make Money
+
+ AND HOW TO KEEP IT.--A practical, readable book, that ought
+ to be in the hands of every person who wishes to earn
+ money or to keep what he has. One of the best books ever
+ published. By Thomas A. Davies. 12mo. cloth, $1.50
+
+
+J. Cordy Jeaffreson.
+
+ A BOOK ABOUT LAWYERS.--A collection of interesting anecdotes
+ and incidents connected with the most distinguished
+ members of the Legal Profession. 12mo. cloth, $2.00
+
+
+Fred. Saunders.
+
+ WOMAN, LOVE, AND MARRIAGE.--A charming volume about
+ three most fascinating topics. 12mo. cloth, $1.50
+
+
+Edmund Kirke.
+
+ AMONG THE PINES.--Or Life in the South. 12mo. cloth, $1.50
+ MY SOUTHERN FRIENDS.-- do. do. $1.50
+ DOWN IN TENNESSEE.-- do. do. $1.50
+ ADRIFT IN DIXIE.-- do. do. $1.50
+ AMONG THE GUERILLAS.-- do. do. $1.50
+
+
+Charles Reade.
+
+ THE CLOISTER AND THE HEARTH.--A magnificent new novel--the best this
+ author ever wrote. 8vo. cloth, $2.00
+
+
+The Opera.
+
+ TALES FROM THE OPERAS.--A collection of clever stories, based upon the
+ plots of all the famous operas. 12mo. cloth, $1.50
+
+
+Robert B. Roosevelt.
+
+ THE GAME-FISH OF THE NORTH.--Illustrated. 12mo. cloth, $2.00
+ SUPERIOR FISHING.-- do. do. $2.00
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+
+By the Author of "Rutledge."
+
+ RUTLEDGE.--A deeply interesting novel. 12mo. cloth, $1.75
+ THE SUTHERLANDS.-- do. do. $1.75
+ FRANK WARRINGTON.-- do. do. $1.75
+ ST. PHILIP'S.-- do. do. $1.75
+ LOUIE'S LAST TERM AT ST. MARY'S.-- do. $1.75
+ ROUNDHEARTS AND OTHER STORIES.--For children. do. $1.75
+ A ROSARY FOR LENT.--Devotional Readings. do. $1.75
+
+Love in Letters.
+
+ A collection of piquant love-letters. 12mo. cloth, $2.00
+
+
+Dr. J. J. Craven.
+
+ THE PRISON-LIFE OF JEFFERSON DAVIS.-- 12mo. cloth, $2.00
+
+
+Walter Barrett, Clerk.
+
+ THE OLD MERCHANTS OF NEW YORK.-- Five vols. cloth, $10.00
+
+
+H. T. Sperry.
+
+ COUNTRY LOVE _vs._ CITY FLIRTATION.-- 12mo. cloth, $2.00
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+
+Miscellaneous Works.
+
+ THE HONEYMOON.--A humorous story, with illustrations. $1.50
+ WOMEN AND THEATRES.--A new book, by Olive Logan. $1.50
+ WARWICK.--A new novel by Mansfield Tracy Walworth. $1.75
+ SIBYL HUNTINGTON.--A novel by Mrs. J. C. R. Dorr. $1.75
+ LIVING WRITERS OF THE SOUTH.--By Prof. Davidson. $2.00
+ STRANGE VISITORS.--A book from the Spirit World. $1.50
+ UP BROADWAY, and its Sequel.--A story by Eleanor Kirk. $1.50
+ MILITARY RECORD, of Appointments in the U.S. Army. $5.00
+ HONOR BRIGHT.--A new American novel. $1.50
+ MALBROOK.-- do. do. do. $1.50
+ GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY.-- do. do. $1.75
+ ROBERT GREATHOUSE.--A new novel by John F. Swift. $2.00
+ THE GOLDEN CROSS, and poems by Irving Van Wart, jr. $1.50
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+ THE WICKEDEST WOMAN IN NEW YORK.--By C. H. Webb. 50
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+ NOJOQUE--A Question for a Continent.-- do. $2.00
+ PARIS IN 1867.--By Henry Morford. $1.75
+ THE BISHOP'S SON.--A novel by Alice Cary. $1.75
+ CRUISE OF THE ALABAMA AND SUMTER.--By Capt. Semmes. $1.50
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+ SOUVENIRS OF TRAVEL.--By Madame Octavia W. LeVert. $2.00
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+ FOUR OAKS.--A novel by Kamba Thorpe. $1.75
+ THE CHRISTMAS FONT.--A child's book, by M. J. Holmes. $1.00
+ POEMS, BY SARAH T. BOLTON. $1.50
+ MARY BRANDEGEE.--A novel by Cuyler Pine. $1.75
+ RENSHAWE.-- do. do. $1.75
+ MOUNT CALVARY.--By Matthew Hale Smith. $2.00
+ PROMETHEUS IN ATLANTIS.--A prophecy. $2.00
+ TITAN AGONISTES.--An American novel. $2.00
+ THE MONTANAS.--A novel by Sallie J. Hancock. $1.75
+ PASTIMES WITH LITTLE FRIENDS.--Martha Haines Butt. $1.50
+ TREATISE ON DEAFNESS.--By Dr. E. B. Lighthill. $1.50
+ CHINA AND THE CHINESE.--By W. L. G. Smith. $1.50
+ THE RUSSIAN BALL.--An Illustrated Satirical Poem. 50
+ THE SNOBLACE BALL.-- do. do. 50
+ AN ANSWER TO HUGH MILLER.--By Thomas A. Davies. $1.50
+ COSMOGONY.--By Thomas A. Davies. $2.00
+ RURAL ARCHITECTURE.--By M. Field. Illustrated. $2.00
+
+
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