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diff --git a/4496-0.txt b/4496-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..020f03f --- /dev/null +++ b/4496-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1453 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 4496 *** + +THE GENTLEMAN OF FIFTY AND THE DAMSEL OF NINETEEN + +(An early uncompleted fragment.) + +By George Meredith + + + +CHAPTER I + +Passing over Ickleworth Bridge and rounding up the heavily-shadowed river +of our narrow valley, I perceived a commotion as of bathers in a certain +bright space immediately underneath the vicar's terrace-garden steps. My +astonishment was considerable when it became evident to me that the vicar +himself was disporting in the water, which, reaching no higher than his +waist, disclosed him in the ordinary habiliments of his cloth. I knew my +friend to be one of the most absent-minded of men, and my first effort to +explain the phenomenon of his appearance there, suggested that he might +have walked in, the victim of a fit of abstraction, and that he had not +yet fully comprehended his plight; but this idea was dispersed when I +beheld the very portly lady, his partner in joy and adversity, standing +immersed, and perfectly attired, some short distance nearer to the bank. +As I advanced along the bank opposed to them, I was further amazed to +hear them discoursing quite equably together, so that it was impossible +to say on the face of it whether a catastrophe had occurred, or the great +heat of a cloudless summer day had tempted an eccentric couple to seek +for coolness in the directest fashion, without absolute disregard to +propriety. I made a point of listening for the accentuation of the +'my dear' which was being interchanged, but the key-note to the harmony +existing between husband and wife was neither excessively unctuous, nor +shrewd, and the connubial shuttlecock was so well kept up on both sides +that I chose to await the issue rather than speculate on the origin of +this strange exhibition. I therefore, as I could not be accused of an +outrage to modesty, permitted myself to maintain what might be +invidiously termed a satyr-like watch from behind a forward flinging +willow, whose business in life was to look at its image in a brown depth, +branches, trunk, and roots. The sole indication of discomfort displayed +by the pair was that the lady's hand worked somewhat fretfully to keep +her dress from ballooning and puffing out of all proportion round about +her person, while the vicar, who stood without his hat, employed a spongy +handkerchief from time to time in tempering the ardours of a vertical +sun. If you will consent to imagine a bald blackbird, his neck being +shrunk in apprehensively, as you may see him in the first rolling of the +thunder, you will gather an image of my friend's appearance. + +He performed his capital ablutions with many loud 'poofs,' and a casting +up of dazzled eyes, an action that gave point to his recital of the +invocation of Chryses to Smintheus which brought upon the Greeks disaster +and much woe. Between the lines he replied to his wife, whose remarks +increased in quantity, and also, as I thought, in emphasis, under the +river of verse which he poured forth unbaffled, broadening his chest to +the sonorous Greek music in a singular rapture of obliviousness. + +A wise man will not squander his laughter if he can help it, but will +keep the agitation of it down as long as he may. The simmering of humour +sends a lively spirit into the mind, whereas the boiling over is but a +prodigal expenditure and the disturbance of a clear current: for the +comic element is visible to you in all things, if you do but keep your +mind charged with the perception of it, as I have heard a great expounder +deliver himself on another subject; and he spoke very truly. So, I +continued to look on with the gravity of Nature herself, and I could not +but fancy, and with less than our usual wilfulness when we fancy things +about Nature's moods, that the Mother of men beheld this scene with half +a smile, differently from the simple observation of those cows whisking +the flies from their flanks at the edge of the shorn meadow and its +aspens, seen beneath the curved roof of a broad oak-branch. Save for +this happy upward curve of the branch, we are encompassed by breathless +foliage; even the gloom was hot; the little insects that are food for +fish tried a flight and fell on the water's surface, as if panting. Here +and there, a sullen fish consented to take them, and a circle spread, +telling of past excitement. + +I had listened to the vicar's Homeric lowing for the space of a minute or +so--what some one has called, the great beast-like, bellow-like, roar and +roll of the Iliad hexameter: it stopped like a cut cord. One of the +numerous daughters of his house appeared in the arch of white cluster- +roses on the lower garden-terrace, and with an exclamation, stood +petrified at the extraordinary spectacle, and then she laughed outright. +I had hitherto resisted, but the young lady's frank and boisterous +laughter carried me along, and I too let loose a peal, and discovered +myself. The vicar, seeing me, acknowledged a consciousness of his absurd +position with a laugh as loud. As for the scapegrace girl, she went off +into a run of high-pitched shriekings like twenty woodpeckers, crying: I +Mama, mama, you look as if you were in Jordan!' + +The vicar cleared his throat admonishingly, for it was apparent that Miss +Alice was giving offence to her mother, and I presume he thought it was +enough for one of the family to have done so. + +'Wilt thou come out of Jordan?' I cried. + +'I am sufficiently baptized with the water,' said the helpless man. . . + +'Indeed, Mr. Amble,' observed his spouse, 'you can lecture a woman for +not making the best of circumstances; I hope you'll bear in mind that +it's you who are irreverent. I can endure this no longer. You deserve +Mr. Pollingray's ridicule.' + +Upon this, I interposed: 'Pray, ma'am, don't imagine that you have +anything but sympathy from me.'--but as I was protesting, having my mouth +open, the terrible Miss Alice dragged the laughter remorselessly out of +me. + +They have been trying Frank's new boat, Mr. Pollingray, and they've upset +it. Oh! oh' and again there was the woodpeckers' chorus. + +'Alice, I desire you instantly to go and fetch John the gardener,' said +the angry mother. + +'Mama, I can't move; wait a minute, only a minute. John's gone about the +geraniums. Oh! don't look so resigned, papa; you'll kill me! Mama, +come and take my hand. Oh! oh!' + +The young lady put her hands in against her waist and rolled her body +like a possessed one. + +'Why don't you come in through the boat-house?' she asked when she had +mastered her fit. + +'Ah!' said the vicar. I beheld him struck by this new thought. + +'How utterly absurd you are, Mr. Amble!' exclaimed his wife, 'when you +know that the boat-house is locked, and that the boat was lying under the +camshot when you persuaded me to step into it.' + +Hearing this explanation of the accident, Alice gave way to an +ungovernable emotion. + +'You see, my dear,' the vicar addressed his wife, she can do nothing; +it's useless. If ever patience is counselled to us, it is when accidents +befall us, for then, as we are not responsible, we know we are in other +hands, and it is our duty to be comparatively passive. Perhaps I may say +that in every difficulty, patience is a life-belt. I beg of you to be +patient still.' + +'Mr. Amble, I shall think you foolish,' said the spouse, with a nod of +more than emphasis. + +My dear, you have only to decide,' was the meek reply. + +By this time, Miss Alice had so far conquered the fiend of laughter that +she could venture to summon her mother close up to the bank and extend a +rescuing hand. Mrs. Amble waded to within reach, her husband following. +Arrangements were made for Alice to pull, and the vicar to push; both in +accordance with Mrs. Amble's stipulations, for even in her extremity of +helplessness she affected rule and sovereignty. Unhappily, at the +decisive moment, I chanced (and I admit it was more than an inadvertence +on my part, it was a most ill-considered thing to do) I chanced, I say, +to call out--and that I refrained from quoting Voltaire is something in +my favour: + +'How on earth did you manage to tumble in?' + +There can be no contest of opinion that I might have kept my curiosity +waiting, and possibly it may be said with some justification that I was +the direct cause of my friend's unparalleled behaviour; but could a +mortal man guess that in the very act of assisting his wife's return to +dry land, and while she was--if I may put it so--modestly in his hands, +he would turn about with a quotation that compared him to old Palinurus, +all the while allowing his worthy and admirable burden to sink lower and +dispread in excess upon the surface of the water, until the vantage of +her daughter's help was lost to her; I beheld the consequences of my +indiscretion, dismayed. I would have checked the preposterous Virgilian, +but in contempt of my uplifted hand and averted head, and regardless of +the fact that his wife was then literally dependent upon him, the vicar +declaimed (and the drenching effect produced by Latin upon a lady at such +a season, may be thought on): + + Vix primos inopina quies laxaverat artus, + Et super incumbens, cum puppis parte revulsa + Cumque gubernaclo liquidas projecit in undas.' + +It is not easy when you are unacquainted with the language, to retort +upon Latin, even when the attempt to do so is made in English. Very few +even of the uneducated ears can tolerate such anti-climax vituperative as +English after sounding Latin. Mrs. Amble kept down those sentiments +which her vernacular might have expressed. I heard but one groan that +came from her as she lay huddled indistinguishably in the, arms of her +husband. + +'Not--praecipitem! I am happy to say,' my senseless friend remarked +further, and laughed cheerfully as he fortified his statement with a run +of negatives. 'No, no'; in a way peculiar to him. 'No, no. If I plant +my grey hairs anywhere, it will be on dry land: no. But, now, my dear; +he returned to his duty; why, you're down again. Come: one, two, and +up.' + +He was raising a dead weight. The passion for sarcastic speech was +manifestly at war with common prudence in the bosom of Mrs. Amble; +prudence, however, overcame it. She cast on him a look of a kind that +makes matrimony terrific in the dreams of bachelors, and then wedding her +energy to the assistance given she made one of those senseless springs of +the upper half of the body, which strike the philosophic eye with the +futility of an effort that does not arise from a solid basis. Owing to +the want of concert between them, the vicar's impulsive strength was +expended when his wife's came into play. Alice clutched her mother +bravely. The vicar had force enough to stay his wife's descent; but +Alice (she boasts of her muscle) had not the force in the other +direction--and no wonder. There are few young ladies who could pull +fourteen stone sheer up a camshot. + +Mrs. Amble remained in suspense between the two. + +Oh, Mr. Pollingray, if you were only on this side to help us,' Miss Alice +exclaimed very piteously, though I could see that she was half mad with +the internal struggle of laughter at the parents and concern for them. + +'Now, pull, Alice,' shouted the vicar. + +'No, not yet,' screamed Mrs. Amble; I'm sinking.' + +'Pull, Alice.' + +'Now, Mama.' + +'Oh!' + +'Push, Papa.' + +'I'm down.' + +'Up, Ma'am; Jane; woman, up.' + +'Gently, Papa: Abraham, I will not.' + +'My dear, but you must.' + +'And that man opposite.' + +'What, Pollingray? He's fifty.' + +I found myself walking indignantly down the path. Even now I protest my +friend was guilty of bad manners, though I make every allowance for him; +I excuse, I pass the order; but why--what justifies one man's bawling out +another man's age? What purpose does it serve? I suppose the vicar +wished to reassure his wife, on the principle (I have heard him enunciate +it) that the sexes are merged at fifty--by which he means, I must +presume, that something which may be good or bad, and is generally silly +--of course, I admire and respect modesty and pudeur as much as any man-- +something has gone: a recognition of the bounds of division. There is, +if that is a lamentable matter, a loss of certain of our young tricks at +fifty. We have ceased to blush readily: and let me ask you to define a +blush. Is it an involuntary truth or an ingenuous lie? I know that this +will sound like the language of a man not a little jealous of his +youthful compeers. I can but leave it to rightly judging persons to +consider whether a healthy man in his prime, who has enough, and is not +cursed by ambition, need be jealous of any living soul. + +A shriek from Miss Alice checked my retreating steps. The vicar was +staggering to support the breathing half of his partner while she +regained her footing in the bed of the river. Their effort to scale the +camshot had failed. Happily at this moment I caught sight of Master +Frank's boat, which had floated, bottom upwards, against a projecting +mud-bank of forget-me-nots. I contrived to reach it and right it, and +having secured one of the sculls, I pulled up to the rescue; though not +before I had plucked a flower, actuated by a motive that I cannot account +for. The vicar held the boat firmly against the camshot, while I, at the +imminent risk of joining them (I shall not forget the combined expression +of Miss Alice's retreating eyes and the malicious corners of her mouth) +hoisted the lady in, and the river with her. From the seat of the boat +she stood sufficiently high to project the step towards land without +peril. When she had set her foot there, we all assumed an attitude of +respectful attention, and the vicar, who could soar over calamity like a +fairweather swallow, acknowledged the return of his wife to the element +with a series of apologetic yesses and short coughings. + +'That would furnish a good concert for the poets,' he remarked. +'A parting, a separation of lovers; "even as a body from the watertorn," +or "from the water plucked"; eh? do you think--"so I weep round her, +tearful in her track," an excellent--' + +But the outraged woman, dripping in grievous discomfort above him, made a +peremptory gesture. + +'Mr. Amble, will you come on shore instantly, I have borne with your +stupidity long enough. I insist upon your remembering, sir, that you +have a family dependent upon you. Other men may commit these follies.' + +This was a blow at myself, a bachelor whom the lady had never persuaded +to dream of relinquishing his freedom. + +'My dear, I am coming,' said the vicar. + +'Then, come at once, or I shall think you idiotic,' the wife retorted. + +'I have been endeavouring,' the vicar now addressed me, 'to prove by a +practical demonstration that women are capable of as much philosophy as +men, under any sudden and afflicting revolution of circumstances.' + +'And if you get a sunstroke, you will be rightly punished, and I shall +not be sorry, Mr. Amble.' + +'I am coming, my dear Jane. Pray run into the house and change your +things.' + +'Not till I see you out of the water, sir.' + +'You are losing your temper, my love.' + +'You would make a saint lose his temper, Mr. Amble.' + +'There were female saints, my dear,' the vicar mildly responded; and +addressed me further: 'Up to this point, I assure you, Pollingray, no +conduct could have been more exemplary than Mrs. Amble's. I had got her +into the boat--a good boat, a capital boat--but getting in myself, we +overturned. The first impulse of an ordinary woman would have been to +reproach and scold; but Mrs. Amble succumbed only to the first impulse. +Discovering that all effort unaided to climb the bank was fruitless, she +agreed to wait patiently and make the best of circumstances; and she did; +and she learnt to enjoy it. There is marrow in every bone. My dear. +Jane, I have never admired you so much. I tried her, Pollingray, in +metaphysics. I talked to her of the opera we last heard, I think fifty +years ago. And as it is less endurable for a woman to be patient in +tribulation--the honour is greater, when she overcomes the fleshy trial. +Insomuch,' the vicar put on a bland air of abnegation of honour, 'that I +am disposed to consider any male philosopher our superior; when you've +found one, ha, ha--when you've found one. O sol pulcher! I am ready to +sing that the day has been glorious, so far. Pulcher ille dies.' + +Mrs. Amble appealed to me. 'Would anybody not swear that he is mad to +see him standing waist-deep in the water and the sun on his bald head, +I am reduced to entreat you not to--though you have no family of your +own--not to encourage him. It is amusing to you. Pray, reflect that +such folly is too often fatal. Compel him to come on shore.' + +The logic of the appeal was no doubt distinctly visible in the lady's +mind, though it was not accurately worded. I saw that I stood marked to +be the scape goat of the day, and humbly continued to deserve well, +notwithstanding. By dint of simple signs and nods of affirmative, +and a constant propulsion of my friend's arm, I drew him into the boat, +and thence projected him up to the level with his wife, who had perhaps +deigned to understand that it was best to avoid the arresting of his +divergent mind by any remark during the passage, and remained silent. +No sooner was he established on his feet, than she plucked him away. + +'Your papa's hat,' she called, flashing to her daughter, and streamed up +the lawn into the rose-trellised pathways leading on aloft to the +vicarage house. Behind roses the weeping couple disappeared. The last I +saw of my friend was a smiting of his hand upon his head in a vain effort +to catch at one of the fleeting ideas sowed in him by the quick passage +of objects before his vision, and shaken out of him by abnormal hurry. +The Rev. Abraham Amble had been lord of his wife in the water, but his +innings was over. He had evidently enjoyed it vastly, and I now +understood why he had chosen to prolong it as much as possible. Your +eccentric characters are not uncommonly amateurs of petty artifice. +There are hours of vengeance even for henpecked men. + +I found myself sighing over the enslaved condition of every Benedict of +my acquaintance, when the thought came like a surprise that I was alone +with Alice. The fair and pleasant damsel made a clever descent into the +boat, and having seated herself, she began to twirl the scull in the +rowlock, and said: 'Do you feel disposed to join me in looking after the +other scull and papa's hat, Mr. Pollingray?' I suggested 'Will you not +get your feet wet? I couldn't manage to empty all the water in the +boat.' + +'Oh' cried she, with a toss of her head; I wet feet never hurt young +people.' + +There was matter for an admonitory lecture in this. Let me confess I was +about to give it, when she added: But Mr. Pollingray, I am really afraid +that your feet are wet! You had to step into the water when you righted +the boat: + +My reply was to jump down by her side with as much agility as I could +combine with a proper discretion. The amateur craft rocked +threateningly, and I found myself grasped by and grasping the pretty +damsel, until by great good luck we were steadied and preserved from the +same misfortune which had befallen her parents. She laughed and blushed, +and we tottered asunder. + +'Would you have talked metaphysics to me in the water, Mr. Pollingray?' + +Alice was here guilty of one of those naughty sort of innocent speeches +smacking of Eve most strongly; though, of course, of Eve in her best +days. + +I took the rudder lines to steer against the sculling of her single +scull, and was Adam enough to respond to temptation: 'I should perhaps +have been grateful to your charitable construction of it as being +metaphysics.' + +She laughed colloquially, to fill a pause. It had not been coquetry: +merely the woman unconsciously at play. A man is bound to remember the +seniority of his years when this occurs, for a veteran of ninety and a +worn out young debauchee will equally be subject to it if they do not +shun the society of the sex. My long robust health and perfect self- +reliance apparently tend to give me unguarded moments, or lay me open to +fitful impressions. Indeed there are times when I fear I have the heart +of a boy, and certainly nothing more calamitous can be conceived, +supposing that it should ever for one instant get complete mastery of my +head. This is the peril of a man who has lived soberly. Do we never +know when we are safe? I am, in reflecting thereupon, positively +prepared to say that if there is no fool like what they call an old fool +(and a man in his prime, who can be laughed at, is the world's old fool) +there is wisdom in the wild oats theory, and I shall come round to my +nephew's way of thinking: that is, as far as Master Charles by his acting +represents his thinking. I shall at all events be more lenient in my +judgement of him, and less stern in my allocutions, for I shall have no +text to preach from. + +We picked up the hat and the scull in one of the little muddy bays of our +brown river, forming an amphitheatre for water-rats and draped with great +dockleaves, nettle-flowers, ragged robins, and other weeds for which the +learned young lady gave the botanical names. It was pleasant to hear her +speak with the full authority of absolute knowledge of her subject. She +has intelligence. She is decidedly too good for Charles, unless he +changes his method of living. + +'Shall we row on?' she asked, settling her arms to work the pair of +sculls. + +'You have me in your power,' said I, and she struck out. Her shape is +exceedingly graceful; I was charmed by the occasional tightening in of +her lips as she exerted her muscle, while at intervals telling me of her +race with one of her boastful younger brothers, whom she had beaten. +I believe it is only when they are using physical exertion that the eyes +of young girls have entire simplicity--the simplicity of nature as +opposed to that other artificial simplicity which they learn from their +governesses, their mothers, and the admiration of witlings. Attractive +purity, or the nice glaze of no comprehension of anything which is +considered to be improper in a wicked world, and is no doubt very useful, +is not to my taste. French girls, as a rule, cannot compete with our +English in the purer graces. They are only incomparable when as women +they have resort to art. + +Alice could look at me as she rowed, without thinking it necessary to +force a smile, or to speak, or to snigger and be foolish. I felt towards +the girl like a comrade. + +We went no further than Hatchard's mile, where the water plumps the poor +sleepy river from a sidestream, and, as it turned the boat's head quite +round, I let the boat go. These studies of young women are very well as +a pastime; but they soon cease to be a recreation. She forms an +agreeable picture when she is rowing, and possesses a musical laugh. Now +and then she gives way to the bad trick of laughing without caring or +daring to explain the cause for it. She is moderately well-bred. I hope +that she has principle. Certain things a man of my time of life learns +by associating with very young people which are serviceable to him. What +a different matter this earth must be to that girl from what it is to me! +I knew it before. And--mark the difference--I feel it now. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +SHE + +Papa never will cease to meet with accidents and adventures. If he only +walks out to sit for half an hour with one of his old dames, as he calls +them, something is sure to happen to him, and it is almost as sure that +Mr. Pollingray will be passing at the time and mixed up in it. + +Since Mr. Pollingray's return from his last residence on the Continent, +I have learnt to know him and like him. Charles is unjust to his uncle. +He is not at all the grave kind of man I expected from Charles's +description. He is extremely entertaining, and then he understands the +world, and I like to hear him talk, he is so unpretentious and uses just +the right words. No one would imagine his age, from his appearance, and +he has more fun than any young man I have listened to. + +But, I am convinced I have discovered his weakness. It is my fatal. +peculiarity that I cannot be with people ten minutes without seeing some +point about them where they are tenderest. Mr. Pollingray wants to be +thought quite youthful. He can bear any amount of fatigue; he is always +fresh and a delightful companion; but you cannot get him to show even a +shadow of exhaustion or to admit that he ever knew what it was to lie +down beaten. This is really to pretend that he is superhuman. I like +him so much that I could wish him superior to such--it is nothing other +than--vanity. Which is worse? A young man giving himself the air of a +sage, or--but no one can call Mr. Pollingray an old man. He is a +confirmed bachelor. That puts the case. Charles, when he says of him +that he is a 'gentleman in a good state of preservation,' means to be +ironical. I doubt whether Charles at fifty would object to have the same +said of Mr. Charles Everett. Mr. Pollingray has always looked to his +health. He has not been disappointed. I am sure he was always very +good. But, whatever he was, he is now very pleasant, and he does not +talk to women as if he thought them singular, and feel timid, I mean, +confused, as some men show that they feel--the good ones. Perhaps he +felt so once, and that is why he is still free. Charles's dread that his +uncle will marry is most unworthy. He never will, but why should he not? +Mama declares that he is waiting for a woman of intellect, I can hear +her: 'Depend upon it, a woman of intellect will marry Dayton Manor.' +Should that mighty event not come to pass, poor Charles will have to sink +the name of Everett in that of Pollingray. Mr. Pollingray's name is the +worst thing about him. When I think of his name I see him ten times +older than he is. My feelings are in harmony with his pedigree +concerning the age of the name. One would have to be a woman of +profound intellect to see the advantage of sharing it. + +'Mrs. Pollingray!' She must be a lady with a wig. + +It was when we were rowing up by Hatchard's mill that I first perceived +his weakness, he was looking at me so kindly, and speaking of his +friendship for papa, and how glad he was to be fixed at last, near to us +at Dayton. I wished to use some term of endearment in reply, and said, +I remember, 'Yes, and we are also glad, Godpapa.' I was astonished that +he should look so disconcerted, and went on: 'Have you forgotten that you +are my godpapa?' + +He answered: 'Am I? Oh! yes--the name of Alice.' + +Still he looked uncertain, uncomfortable, and I said, 'Do you want to +cancel the past, and cast me off?' + +'No, certainly not'; he, I suppose, thought he was assuring me. + +I saw his lips move at the words I cancel the past,' though he did not +speak them out. He positively blushed. I know the sort of young man he +must have been. Exactly the sort of young man mama would like for a son- +in-law, and her daughters would accept in pure obedience when reduced to +be capable of the virtue by rigorous diet, or consumption. + +He let the boat go round instantly. This was enough for me. It struck +me then that when papa had said to mama (as he did in that absurd +situation) 'He is fifty,' Mr. Pollingray must have heard it across the +river, for he walked away hurriedly. He came back, it is true, with the +boat, but I have my own ideas. He is always ready to do a service, but +on this occasion I think it was an afterthought. I shall not venture to +call him 'Godpapa' again. + +Indeed, if I have a desire, it is that I may be blind to people's +weakness. My insight is inveterate. Papa says he has heard Mr. +Pollingray boast of his age. If so, there has come a change over him. +I cannot be deceived. I see it constantly. After my unfortunate speech, +Mr. Pollingray shunned our house for two whole weeks, and scarcely bowed +to us when coming out of church. Miss Pollingray idolises him--spoils +him. She says that he is worth twenty of Charles. Nous savons ce que +nous savons, nous autres. Charles is wild, but Charles would be above +these littlenesses. How could Miss Pollingray comprehend the romance of +Charles's nature? + +My sister Evelina is now Mr. Pollingray's favourite. She could not say +Godpapa to him, if she would. Persons who are very much petted at home, +are always establishing favourites abroad. For my part, let them praise +me or not, I know that I can do any thing I set my mind upon. At present +I choose to be frivolous. I know I am frivolous. What then? If there +is fun in the world am I not to laugh at it? I shall astonish them by +and by. But, I will laugh while I can. I am sure, there is so much +misery in the world, it is a mercy to be able to laugh. Mr. Pollingray +may think what he likes of me. When Charles tells me that I must do my +utmost to propitiate his uncle, he cannot mean that I am to refrain from +laughing, because that is being a hypocrite, which I may become when I +have gone through all the potential moods and not before. + +It is preposterous to suppose that I am to be tied down to the views of +life of elderly people. + +I dare say I did laugh a little too much the other night, but could I +help it? We had a dinner party. Present were Mr. Pollingray, Mrs. +Kershaw, the Wilbury people (three), Charles, my brother Duncan, Evelina, +mama, papa, myself, and Mr. and Mrs. (put them last for emphasis) Romer +Pattlecombe, Mrs. Pattlecombe (the same number of syllables as +Pollingray, and a 'P' to begin with) is thirty-one years her husband's +junior, and she is twenty-six; full of fun, and always making fun of him, +the mildest, kindest, goody old thing, who has never distressed himself +for anything and never will. Mrs. Romer not only makes fun, but is fun. +When you have done laughing with her, you can laugh at her. She is the +salt of society in these parts. Some one, as we were sitting on the lawn +after dinner, alluded to the mishap to papa and mama, and mama, who has +never forgiven Mr. Pollingray for having seen her in her ridiculous +plight, said that men were in her opinion greater gossips than women. +'That is indisputable, ma'am,' said Mr. Pollingray, he loves to bewilder +her; 'only, we never mention it.' + +'There is an excuse for us,' said Mrs. Romer; 'our trials are so great, +we require a diversion, and so we talk of others.' + +'Now really,' said Charles, 'I don't think your trials are equal to +ours.' + +For which remark papa bantered him, and his uncle was sharp on him; and +Charles, I know, spoke half seriously, though he was seeking to draw Mrs. +Romer out: he has troubles. + +From this, we fell upon a comparison of sufferings, and Mrs. Romer took +up the word. She is a fair, smallish, nervous woman, with delicate hands +and outlines, exceedingly sympathetic; so much so that while you are +telling her anything, she makes half a face in anticipation, and is ready +to shriek with laughter or shake her head with uttermost grief; and +sometimes, if you let her go too far in one direction, she does both. +All her narrations are with ups and downs of her hands, her eyes, her +chin, and her voice. Taking poor, good old Mr. Romer by the roll of his +coat, she made as if posing him, and said: 'There! Now, it's all very +well for you to say that there is anything equal to a woman's sufferings +in this world. I do declare you know nothing of what we unhappy women +have to endure. It's dreadful! No male creature can possibly know what +tortures I have to undergo.' + +Mama neatly contrived, after interrupting her, to divert the subject. +I think that all the ladies imagined they were in jeopardy, but I knew +Mrs. Romer was perfectly to be trusted. She has wit which pleases, +jusqu'aux ongles, and her sense of humour never overrides her discretion +with more than a glance--never with preparation. + +'Now,' she pursued, 'let me tell you what excruciating trials I have to +go through. This man,' she rocked the patient old gentleman to and fro, +'this man will be the death of me. He is utterly devoid of a sense of +propriety. Again and again I say to him--cannot the tailor cut down +these trowsers of yours? Yes, Mr. Amble, you preach patience to women, +but this is too much for any woman's endurance. Now, do attempt to +picture to yourself what an agony it must be to me:--he will shave, and +he will wear those enormously high trowsers that, when they are braced, +reach up behind to the nape of his neck! Only yesterday morning, as I +was lying in bed, I could see him in his dressing-room. I tell you: he +will shave, and he will choose the time for shaving early after he has +braced these immensely high trowsers that make such a placard of him. +Oh, my goodness! My dear Romer, I have said to him fifty times if I have +said it once, my goodness me! why can you not get decent trowsers such as +other men wear? He has but one answer--he has been accustomed to wear +those trowsers, and he would not feel at home in another pair. And what +does he say if I continue to complain? and I cannot but continue to +complain, for it is not only moral, it is physical torment to see the +sight he makes of himself; he says: "My dear, you should not have married +an old man." What! I say to him, must an old man wear antiquated +trowsers? No! nothing will turn him; those are his habits. But, you +have not heard the worst. The sight of those hideous trowsers totally +destroying all shape in the man, is horrible enough; but it is absolutely +more than a woman can bear to see him--for he will shave--first cover his +face with white soap with that ridiculous centre-piece to his trowsers +reaching quite up to his poll, and then, you can fancy a woman's rage and +anguish! the figure lifts its nose by the extremist tip. Oh! it's +degradation! What respect can a woman have for her husband after that +sight? Imagine it! And I have implored him to spare me. It's useless. +You sneer at our hbops and say that you are inconvenienced by them but +you gentlemen are not degraded,--Oh! unutterably!--as I am every morning +of my life by that cruel spectacle of a husband.' + +I have but faintly sketched Mrs. Romer's style. Evelina, who is prudish +and thinks her vulgar, refused to laugh, but it came upon me, as the +picture of 'your own old husband,' with so irresistibly comic an effect +that I was overcome by convulsions of laughter. I do not defend myself. +It was as much a fit as any other attack. I did all I could to arrest +it. At last, I ran indoors and upstairs to my bedroom and tried hard to +become dispossessed. I am sure I was an example of the sufferings of my +sex. It could hardly have been worse for Mrs. Romer than it was for me. +I was drowned in internal laughter long after I had got a grave face. +Early in the evening Mr. Pollingray left us. + + + + +CHAPTER III + +HE + +I am carried by the fascination of a musical laugh. Apparently I am +doomed to hear it at my own expense. We are secure from nothing in this +life. + +I have determined to stand for the county. An unoccupied man is a prey +to every hook of folly. Be dilettante all your days, and you might as +fairly hope to reap a moral harvest as if you had chased butterflies. +The activities created by a profession or determined pursuit are +necessary to the growth of the mind. + +Heavens! I find myself writing like an illegitimate son of La +Rochefoucauld, or of Vauvenargues. But, it is true that I am fifty years +old, and I am not mature. I am undeveloped somewhere. + +The question for me to consider is, whether this development is to be +accomplished by my being guilty of an act of egregious folly. + +Dans la cinquantaine! The reflection should produce a gravity in men. +Such a number of years will not ring like bridal bells in a man's ears. +I have my books about me, my horses, my dogs, a contented household. +I move in the centre of a perfect machine, and I am dissatisfied. I rise +early. I do not digest badly. What is wrong? + +The calamity of my case is that I am in danger of betraying what is wrong +with me to others, without knowing it myself. Some woman will be +suspecting and tattling, because she has nothing else to do. Girls have +wonderfully shrewd eyes for a weakness in the sex which they are +instructed to look upon as superior. But I am on my guard. + +The fact is manifest: I feel I have been living more or less uselessly. +It is a fat time. There are a certain set of men in every prosperous +country who, having wherewithal, and not being compelled to toil, become +subjected to the moral ideal. Most of them in the end sit down with our +sixth Henry or second Richard and philosophise on shepherds. To be no +better than a simple hind! Am I better? Prime bacon and an occasional +draft of shrewd beer content him, and they do not me. Yet I am sound, +and can sit through the night and be ready, and on the morrow I shall +stand for the county. + +I made the announcement that I had thoughts of entering Parliament, +before I had half formed the determination, at my sister's lawn party +yesterday. + +'Gilbert!' she cried, and raised her hands. A woman is hurt if you do +not confide to her your plans as soon as you can conceive them. She must +be present to assist at the birth, or your plans are unblessed plans. + +I had been speaking aside in a casual manner to my friend Amble, whose +idea is that the Church is not represented with sufficient strength in +the Commons, and who at once, as I perceived, grasped the notion of +getting me to promote sundry measures connected with schools and clerical +stipends, for his eyes dilated; he said: 'Well, if you do, I can put you +up to several things,' and imparting the usual chorus of yesses to his +own mind, he continued absently: 'Pollingray might be made strong on +church rates. There is much to do. He has lived abroad and requires +schooling in these things. We want a man. Yes, yes, yes. It's a good +idea; a notion.' + +My sister, however, was of another opinion. She did me the honour to +take me aside. + +'Gilbert, were you serious just now?' + +'Quite serious. Is it not my characteristic?' + +'Not on these occasions. I saw the idea come suddenly upon you. You +were looking at Charles.' + +'Continue: and at what was he looking?' + +'He was looking at Alice Amble.' + +'And the young lady?' + +'She looked at you.' + +I was here attacked by a singularly pertinacious fly, and came out of the +contest with a laugh. + +'Did she have that condescension towards me? And from the glance, +my resolution to enter Parliament was born? It is the French +vaudevilliste's doctrine of great events from little causes. The slipper +of a soubrette trips the heart of a king and changes the destiny of a +nation-the history of mankind. It may be true. If I were but shot into +the House from a little girl's eye!' + +With this I took her arm gaily, walked with her, and had nearly +overreached myself with excess of cunning. I suppose we are reduced to +see more plainly that which we systematically endeavour to veil from +others. It is best to flutter a handkerchief, instead of nailing up a +curtain. The principal advantage is that you may thereby go on deceiving +yourself, for this reason: few sentiments are wholly matter of fact; but +when they are half so, you make them concrete by deliberately seeking +either to crush or conceal them, and you are doubly betrayed--betrayed +to the besieging eye and to yourself. When a sentiment has grown to be +a passion (mercifully may I be spared!) different tactics are required. +By that time, you will have already betrayed yourself too deeply to dare +to be flippant: the investigating eye is aware that it has been purposely +diverted: knowing some things, it makes sure of the rest from which you +turn it away. If you want to hide a very grave case, you must speak +gravely about it.--At which season, be but sure of your voice, and +simulate a certain depth of sentimental philosophy, and you may once +more, and for a long period, bewilder the investigator of the secrets of +your bosom. To sum up: in the preliminary stages of a weakness, be +careful that you do not show your own alarm, or all will be suspected. +Should the weakness turn to fever, let a little of it be seen, like a +careless man, and nothing will really be thought. + +I can say this, I can do this; and is it still possible that a pin's +point has got through the joints of the armour of a man like me? + +Elizabeth quitted my side with the conviction that I am as considerate an +uncle as I am an affectionate brother. + +I said to her, apropos, 'I have been observing those two. It seems to me +they are deciding things for themselves.' + +'I have been going to speak to you about them Gilbert,' said she. + +And I: 'The girl must be studied. The family is good. While Charles is +in Wales, you must have her at Dayton. She laughs rather vacantly, don't +you think? but the sound of it has the proper wholesome ring. I will +give her what attention I can while she is here, but in the meantime I +must have a bride of my own and commence courting.' + +'Parliament, you mean,' said Elizabeth with a frank and tender smile. +The hostess was summoned to welcome a new guest, and she left me, pleased +with her successful effort to reach my meaning, and absorbed by it. + +I would not have challenged Machiavelli; but I should not have +encountered the Florentine ruefully. I feel the same keen delight in +intellectual dexterity. On some points my sister is not a bad match for +me. She can beat me seven games out of twelve at chess; but the five I +win sequently, for then I am awake. There is natural art and artificial +art, and the last beats the first. Fortunately for us, women are +strangers to the last. They have had to throw off a mask before they +have, got the schooling; so, when they are thus armed we know what we +meet, and what are the weapons to be used. + +Alice, if she is a fine fencer at all, will expect to meet the ordinary +English squire in me. I have seen her at the baptismal font! It is +inconceivable. She will fancy that at least she is ten times more subtle +than I. When I get the mastery--it is unlikely to make me the master. +What may happen is, that the nature of the girl will declare itself, +under the hard light of intimacy, vulgar. Charles I cause to be absent +for six weeks; so there will be time enough for the probation. I do not +see him till he returns. If by chance I had come earlier to see him and +he to allude to her, he would have had my conscience on his side, and +that is what a scrupulous man takes care to prevent. + +I wonder whether my friends imagine me to be the same man whom they knew +as Gilbert Pollingray a month back? I see the change, I feel the change; +but I have no retrospection, no remorse, no looking forward, no feeling: +none for others, very little, for myself. I am told that I am losing +fluency as a dinner-table talker. There is now more savour to me in a +silvery laugh than in a spiced wit. And this is the man who knows women, +and is far too modest to give a decided opinion upon any of their merits. +Search myself through as I may, I cannot tell when the change began, or +what the change consists of, or what is the matter with me, or what charm +there is in the person who does the mischief. She is the counterpart of +dozens of girls; lively, brown-eyed, brown-haired, underbred--it is not +too harsh to say so--underbred slightly; half-educated, whether +quickwitted I dare not opine. She is undoubtedly the last whom I or +another person would have fixed upon as one to work me this unmitigated +evil. I do not know her, and I believe I do not care to know her, and I +am thirsting for the hour to come when I shall study her. Is not this to +have the poison of a bite in one's blood? The wrath of Venus is not a +fable. I was a hard reader and I despised the sex in my youth, before +the family estates fell to me; since when I have playfully admired the +sex; I have dallied with a passion, and not read at all, save for +diversion: her anger is not a fable. You may interpret many a mythic +tale by the facts which lie in your own blood. My emotions have lain +altogether dormant in sentimental attachment. I have, I suppose, boasted +of, Python slain, and Cupid has touched me up with an arrow. I trust to +my own skill rather than to his mercy for avoiding a second from his +quiver. I will understand this girl if I have to submit to a close +intimacy with her for six months. There is no doubt of the elegance of +her movements. Charles might as well take his tour, and let us see him +again next year. Yes, her movements are (or will be) gracious. In a +year's time she will have acquired the fuller tones and poetry of +womanliness. Perhaps then, too, her smile will linger instead of +flashing. I have known infinitely lovelier women than she. One I have +known! but let her be. Louise and I have long since said adieu. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +SHE + +Behold me installed in Dayton Manor House, and brought here for the +express purpose (so Charles has written me word) of my being studied, +that it may be seen whether I am worthy to be, on some august future +occasion--possibly--a member (Oh, so much to mumble!) of this great +family. Had I known it when I was leaving home, I should have +countermanded the cording of my boxes. If you please, I do the packing, +and not the cording. I must practise being polite, or I shall be +horrifying these good people. + +I am mortally offended. I am very very angry. I shall show temper. +Indeed, I have shown it. Mr. Pollingray must and does think me a goose. +Dear sir, and I think you are justified. If any one pretends to guess +how, I have names to suit that person. I am a ninny, an ape, and mind +I call myself these bad things because I deserve worse. I am flighty, +I believe I am heartless. Charles is away, and I suffer no pangs. +The truth is, I fancied myself so exceedingly penetrating, and it was my +vanity looking in a glass. I saw something that answered to my nods and +howd'ye-do's and--but I am ashamed, and so penitent I might begin making +a collection of beetles. I cannot lift up my head. + +Mr. Pollingray is such a different man from the one I had imagined! +What that one was, I have now quite forgotten. I remember too clearly +what the wretched guesser was. I have been three weeks at Dayton, and if +my sisters know me when I return to the vicarage, they are not foolish +virgins. For my part, I know that I shall always hate Mrs. Romer +Pattlecombe, and that I am unjust to the good woman, but I do hate her, +and I think the stories shocking, and wonder intensely what it was that I +could have found in them to laugh at. I shall never laugh again for many +years. Perhaps, when I am an old woman, I may. I wish the time had +come. All young people seem to me so helplessly silly. I am one of them +for the present, and have no hope that I can appear to be anything else. +The young are a crowd--a shoal of small fry. Their elders are the select +of the world. + +On the morning of the day when I was to leave home for Dayton, a distance +of eight miles, I looked out of my window while dressing--as early as +halfpast seven--and I saw Mr. Pollingray's groom on horseback, leading up +and down the walk a darling little, round, plump, black cob that made my +heart leap with an immense bound of longing to be on it and away across +the downs. And then the maid came to my door with a letter: + +'Mr. Pollingray, in return for her considerate good behaviour and saving +of trouble to him officially, begs his goddaughter to accept the +accompanying little animal: height 14 h., age 31 years; hunts, is sure- +footed, and likely to be the best jumper in the county.' + +I flew downstairs. I rushed out of the house and up to my treasure, and +kissed his nose and stroked his mane. I could not get my fingers away +from him. Horses are so like the very best and beautifullest of women +when you caress them. They show their pleasure so at being petted. They +curve their necks, and paw, and look proud. They take your flattery like +sunshine and are lovely in it. I kissed my beauty, peering at his black- +mottled skin, which is like Allingborough Heath in the twilight. The +smell of his new saddle and bridle-leather was sweeter than a garden to +me. The man handed me a large riding-whip mounted with silver. I longed +to jump up and ride till midnight. + +Then mama and papa came out and read the note and looked, at my darling +little cob, and my sisters saw him and kissed me, for they are not +envious girls. The most distressing thing was that we had not a riding- +habit in the family. I was ready to wear any sort. I would have ridden +as a guy rather than not ride at all. But mama gave me a promise that in +two days a riding-habit should be sent on to Dayton, and I had to let my +pet be led back from where he came. I had no life till I was following +him. I could have believed him to be a fairy prince who had charmed me. +I called him Prince Leboo, because he was black and good. I forgive +anybody who talks about first love after what my experience has been with +Prince Leboo. + +What papa thought of the present I do not know, but I know very well what +mama thought: and for my part I thought everything, not distinctly +including that, for I could not suppose such selfishness in one so +generous as Mr. Pollingray. But I came to Dayton in a state of arrogant +pride, that gave assurance if not ease to my manners. I thanked Mr. +Pollingray warmly, but in a way to let him see it was the matter of a +horse between us. 'You give, I register thanks, and there's an end.' + +'He thinks me a fool! a fool! + +'My habit,' I said, 'comes after me. I hope we shall have some rides +together.' + +'Many,' replied Mr. Pollingray, and his bow inflated me with ideas of my +condescension. + +And because Miss Pollingray (Queen Elizabeth he calls her) looked half +sad, I read it--! I do not write what I read it to be. + +Behold the uttermost fool of all female creation led over the house by +Mr. Pollingray. He showed me the family pictures. + +'I am no judge of pictures, Mr. Pollingray.' + +'You will learn to see the merits of these.' + +'I'm afraid not, though I were to study them for years.' + +'You may have that opportunity.' + +'Oh! that is more than I can expect.' + +'You will develop intelligence on such subjects by and by.' + +A dull sort of distant blow struck me in this remark; but I paid no heed +to it. + +He led me over the gardens and the grounds. The Great John Methlyn +Pollingray planted those trees, and designed the house, and the flower- +garden still speaks of his task; but he is not my master, and +consequently I could not share his three great-grandsons' veneration for +him. There are high fir-woods and beech woods, and a long ascending +narrow meadow between them, through which a brook falls in continual +cascades. It is the sort of scene I love, for it has a woodland grandeur +and seclusion that leads, me to think, and makes a better girl of me. +But what I said was: 'Yes, it is the place of all others to come and +settle in for the evening of one's days.' + +'You could not take to it now?' said Mr. Pollingray. + +'Now?' my expression of face must have been a picture. + +'You feel called upon to decline such a residence in the morning of your +days?' + +He persisted in looking at me as he spoke, and I felt like something +withering scarlet. + +I am convinced he saw through me, while his face was polished brass. My +self-possession returned, for my pride was not to be dispersed +immediately. + +'Please, take me to the stables,' I entreated; and there I was at home. +There I saw my Prince Leboo, and gave him a thousand caresses.' + +'He knows me already,' I said. + +Then he is some degrees in advance of me,' said Mr. Pollingray. + +Is not cold dissection of one's character a cruel proceeding? And I +think, too, that a form of hospitality like this by which I am invited to +be analysed at leisure, is both mean and base. I have been kindly +treated and I am grateful, but I do still say (even though I may have +improved under it) it is unfair. + +To proceed: the dinner hour arrived. The atmosphere of his own house +seems to favour Mr. Pollingray as certain soils and sites favour others. +He walked into the dining-room between us with his hands behind him, +talking to us both so easily and smoothly cheerfully--naturally and +pleasantly--inimitable by any young man! You hardly feel the change of +room. We were but three at table, but there was no lack of +entertainment. Mr. Pollingray is an admirable host; he talks just enough +himself and helps you to talk. What does comfort me is that it gives him +real pleasure to see a hearty appetite. Young men, I know it for a +certainty, never quite like us to be so human. Ah! which is right? +I would not miss the faith in our nobler essence which Charles has. +But, if it nobler? One who has lived longer in the world ought to know +better, and Mr. Pollingray approves of naturalness in everything. I have +now seen through Charles's eyes for several months; so implicitly that I +am timid when I dream of trusting to another's judgement. It is, +however, a fact that I am not quite natural with Charles. + +Every day Mr. Pollingray puts on evening dress out of deference to his +sister. If young men had these good habits they would gain our respect, +and lose their own self-esteem less early. + +After dinner I sang. Then Mr. Pollingray read an amusing essay to us, +and retired to his library. Miss Pollingray sat and talked to me of +her brother, and of her nephew--for whom it is that Mr. Pollingray is +beginning to receive company, and is going into society. Charles's +subsequently received letter explained the 'receive company.' I could +not comprehend it at the time. + +'The house has been shut up for years, or rarely inhabited by us for more +than a month in the year. Mr. Pollingray prefers France. All his +asociations, I may say his sympathies, are in France. Latterly he seems +to have changed a little; but from Normandy to Touraine and Dauphiny--we +had a triangular home over there. Indeed, we have it still. I am never +certain of my brother.' + +While Miss Pollingray was speaking, my eyes were fixed on a Vidal crayon +drawing, faintly coloured with chalks, of a foreign lady--I could have +sworn to her being French--young, quite girlish, I doubt if her age was +more than mine. + +She is pretty, is she not?' said Miss Pollingray. + +She is almost beautiful,' I exclaimed, and Miss Pollingray, seeing my +curiosity, was kind enough not to keep me in suspense. + +'That is the Marquise de Mazardouin--nee Louise de Riverolles. You will +see other portraits of her in the house. This is the most youthful of +them, if I except one representing a baby, and bearing her initials.' + +I remembered having noticed a similarity of feature in some of the +portraits in the different rooms. My longing to look at them again was +like a sudden jet of flame within me. There was no chance of seeing them +till morning; so, promising myself to dream of the face before me, +I dozed through a conversation with my hostess, until I had got the +French lady's eyes and hair and general outline stamped accurately, as I +hoped, on my mind. I was no sooner on my way to bed than all had faded. +The torment of trying to conjure up that face was inconceivable. I lay, +and tossed, and turned to right and to left, and scattered my sleep; +but by and by my thoughts reverted to Mr. Pollingray, and then like +sympathetic ink held to the heat, I beheld her again; but vividly, +as she must have been when she was sitting to the artist. The hair was +naturally crisped, waving thrice over the forehead and brushed clean from +the temples, showing the small ears, and tied in a knot loosely behind. +Her eyebrows were thick and dark, but soft; flowing eyebrows; far +lovelier, to my thinking, than any pencilled arch. Dark eyes, and full, +not prominent. I find little expression of inward sentiment in very +prominent eyes. On the contrary they seem to have a fish-like dependency +of gaze on what is without, and show fishy depths, if any. For instance, +my eyes are rather prominent, and I am just the little fool--but the +French lady is my theme. Madame la Marquise, your eyes are sweeter to me +than celestial. I never saw such candour and unaffected innocence in +eyes before. Accept the compliment of the pauvre Anglaise. Did you do +mischief with them? Did Vidal's delicate sketch do justice to you? Your +lips and chin and your throat all repose in such girlish grace, that if +ever it is my good fortune to see you, you will not be aged to me! + +I slept and dreamed of her. + +In the morning, I felt certain that she had often said: 'Mon cher +Gilbert,' to Mr. Pollingray. Had he ever said: 'Ma chere Louise?' He +might have said: 'Ma bien aimee!' for it was a face to be loved. + +My change of feeling towards him dates from that morning. He had +previously seemed to me a man so much older. I perceived in him now a +youthfulness beyond mere vigour of frame. I could not detach him from my +dreams of the night. He insists upon addressing me by the terms of our +'official' relationship, as if he made it a principle of our intercourse. + +'Well, and is your godpapa to congratulate you on your having had a quiet +rest?' was his greeting. + +I answered stupidly: 'Oh, yes, thank you,' and would have given worlds +for the courage to reply in French, but I distrusted my accent. At +breakfast, the opportunity or rather the excuse for an attempt, was +offered. His French valet, Francois, waits on him at breakfast. Mr. +Pollingray and his sister asked for things in the French tongue, and, +as if fearing some breach of civility, Mr. Pollingray asked me if I knew +French. + +Yes, I know it; that is, I understand it,' I stuttered. Allons, nous +parlerons francais,' said he. But I shook my head, and remained like a +silly mute. + +I was induced towards the close of the meal to come out with a few French +words. I was utterly shamefaced. Mr. Pollingray has got the French +manner of protesting that one is all but perfect in one's speaking. I +know how absurd it must have sounded. But I felt his kindness, and in my +heart I thanked him humbly. I believe now that a residence in France +does not deteriorate an Englishman. Mr. Pollingray, when in his own +house, has the best qualities of the two countries. He is gay, and, yes, +while he makes a study of me, I am making a study of him. Which of us +two will know the other first? He was papa's college friend--papa's +junior, of course, and infinitely more papa's junior now. I observe that +weakness in him, I mean, his clinging to youthfulness, less and less; but +I do see it, I cannot be quite in error. The truth is, I begin to feel +that I cannot venture to mistrust my infallible judgement, or I shall +have no confidence in myself at all. + +After breakfast, I was handed over to Miss Pollingray, with the +intimation that I should not see him till dinner. + +'Gilbert is anxious to cultivate the society of his English neighbours, +now that he has, as he supposes, really settled among them,' she remarked +to me. 'At his time of life, the desire to be useful is almost a malady. +But, he cherishes the poor, and that is more than an occupation, it is a +virtue.' + +Her speech has become occasionally French in the construction of the +sentences. + +'Mais oui,' I said shyly, and being alone with her, I was not rebuffed by +her smile, especially as she encouraged me on. + +I am, she told me, to see a monde of French people here in September. +So, the story of me is to be completer, or continued in September. +I could not get Miss Pollingray to tell me distinctly whether Madame la +Marquise will be one of the guests. But I know that she is not a widow. +In that case, she has a husband. In that case, what is the story of her +relations towards Mr. Pollingray? There must be some story. He would +not surely have so many portraits of her about the house (and they travel +with him wherever he goes) if she were but a lovely face to him. +I cannot understand it. They were frequent, constant visitors to one +another's estates in France; always together. Perhaps a man of Mr. +Pollingray's age, or perhaps M. le Marquis--and here I lose myself. +French habits are so different from ours. One thing I am certain of: +no charge can be brought against my Englishman. I read perfect rectitude +in his face. I would cast anchor by him. He must have had a dreadful +unhappiness. + + +Mama kept her promise by sending my riding habit and hat punctually, but +I had run far ahead of all the wishes I had formed when I left home, and +I half feared my ride out with Mr. Pollingray. That was before I had +received Charles's letter, letting me know the object of my invitation +here. I require at times a morbid pride to keep me up to the work. I +suppose I rode befittingly, for Mr. Pollingray praised my seat on +horseback. I know I can ride, or feel the 'blast of a horse like my own' +--as he calls it. Yet he never could have had a duller companion. My +conversation was all yes and no, as if it went on a pair of crutches like +a miserable cripple. I was humiliated and vexed. All the while I was +trying to lead up to the French lady, and I could not commence with a +single question. He appears to, have really cancelled the past in every +respect save his calling me his goddaughter. His talk was of the English +poor, and vegetation, and papa's goodness to his old dames in Ickleworth +parish, and defects in my education acknowledged by me, but not likely to +restore me in my depressed state. The ride was beautiful. We went the +length of a twelve-mile ridge between Ickleworth and Hillford, over high +commons, with immense views on both sides, and through beech-woods, +oakwoods, and furzy dells and downs spotted with juniper and yewtrees-- +old picnic haunts of mine, but Mr. Pollingray's fresh delight in the +landscape made them seem new and strange. Home through the valley. + +The next day Miss Pollingray joined us, wearing a feutre gris and green +plume, which looked exceedingly odd until you became accustomed to it. +Her hair has decided gray streaks, and that, and the Queen Elizabeth +nose, and the feutre gris!--but she is so kind, I could not even smile in +my heart. It is singular that Mr. Pollingray, who's but three years her +junior, should look at least twenty years younger--at the very least. +His moustache and beard are of the colour of a corn sheaf, and his blue +eyes shining over them remind me of summer. That describes him. He is +summer, and has not fallen into his autumn yet. Miss Pollingray helped +me to talk a little. She tried to check her brother's enthusiasm for our +scenery, and extolled the French paysage. He laughed at her, for when +they were in France it was she who used to say, 'There is nothing here +like England!' Miss Fool rode between them attentive to the jingling of +the bells in her cap: 'Yes' and 'No' at anybody's command, in and out of +season. + +Thank you, Charles, for your letter! I was beginning to think my +invitation to Dayton inexplicable, when that letter arrived. I cannot +but deem it an unworthy baseness to entrap a girl to study her without a +warning to her. I went up to my room after I had read it, and wrote in +reply till the breakfast-bell rang. I resumed my occupation an hour +later, and wrote till one o'clock. In all, fifteen pages of writing, +which I carefully folded and addressed to Charles; sealed the envelope, +stamped it, and destroyed it. I went to bed. 'No, I won't ride out to- +day, I have a headache!' I repeated this about half-a-dozen times to +nobody's knocking on the door, and when at last somebody knocked I tried +to repeat it once, but having the message that Mr. Pollingray +particularly wished to have my company in a ride, I rose submissively +and cried. This humiliation made my temper ferocious. Mr. Pollingray +observed my face, and put it down in his notebook. 'A savage +disposition,' or, no, 'An untamed little rebel'; for he has hopes of me. +He had the cruelty to say so. + +'What I am, I shall remain,' said I. + +He informed me that it was perfectly natural for me to think it; and on +my replying that persons ought to know themselves best: 'At my age, +perhaps,' he said, and added, 'I cannot speak very confidently of my +knowledge of myself.' + +'Then you make us out to be nothing better than puppets, Mr. Pollingray.' + +'If we have missed an early apprenticeship to the habit of self-command, +ma filleule.' + +'Merci, mon parrain.' + +He laughed. My French, I suppose. + +I determined that, if he wanted to study me, I would help him. + +'I can command myself when I choose, but it is only when I choose.' + +This seemed to me quite a reasonable speech, until I found him looking +for something to follow, in explanation, and on coming to sift my +meaning, I saw that it was temper, and getting more angry, continued: + +'The sort of young people who have such wonderful command of themselves +are not the pleasantest.' + +'No,' he said; 'they disappoint us. We expect folly from the young.' + +I shut my lips. Prince Leboo knew that he must go, and a good gallop +reconciled me to circumstances. Then I was put to jumping little furzes +and ditches, which one cannot pretend to do without a fair appearance of +gaiety; for, while you are running the risk of a tumble, you are +compelled to look cheerful and gay, at least, I am. To fall frowning +will never do. I had no fall. My gallant Leboo made my heart leap with +love of him, though mill-stones were tied to it. I may be vexed when I +begin, but I soon ride out a bad temper. And he is mine! I am certainly +inconstant to Charles, for I think of Leboo fifty times more. Besides, +there is no engagement as yet between Charles and me. I have first to be +approved worthy by Mr. and Miss Pollingray: two pairs of eyes and ears, +over which I see a solemnly downy owl sitting, conning their reports of +me. It is a very unkind ordeal to subject any inexperienced young woman +to. It was harshly conceived and it is being remorselessly executed. +I would complain more loudly--in shrieks--if I could say I was unhappy; +but every night I look out of my window before going to bed and see the +long falls of the infant river through the meadow, and the dark woods +seeming to enclose the house from harm: I dream of the old inhabitant, +his ancestors, and the numbers and numbers of springs when the +wildflowers have flourished in those woods and the nightingales have sung +there. And I feel there will never be a home to me like Dayton. + + + + +CHAPTER V + +HE + +For twenty years of my life I have embraced the phantom of the fairest +woman that ever drew breath. I have submitted to her whims, I have +worshipped her feet, I have, I believe, strengthened her principle. +I have done all in my devotion but adopt her religious faith. And I +have, as I trusted some time since, awakened to perceive that those +twenty years were a period of mere sentimental pastime, perfectly +useless, fruitless, unless, as is possible, it has saved me from other +follies. But it was a folly in itself. Can one's nature be too +stedfast? The question whether a spice of frivolousness may not be a +safeguard has often risen before me. The truth, I must learn to think, +is, that my mental power is not the match for my ideal or sentimental +apprehension and native tenacity of attachment. I have fallen into one +of the pits of a well-meaning but idle man. The world discredits the +existence of pure platonism in love. I myself can barely look back on +those twenty years of amatory servility with a full comprehension of the +part I have been playing in them. And yet I would not willingly forfeit +the exalted admiration of Louise for my constancy: as little willingly as +I would have imperilled her purity. I cling to the past as to something +in which I have deserved well, though I am scarcely satisfied with it. +According to our English notions I know my name. English notions, +however, are not to be accepted in all matters, any more than the flat +declaration of a fact will develop it in alt its bearings. When our +English society shall have advanced to a high civilization, it will be +less expansive in denouncing the higher stupidities. Among us, much of +the social judgement of Bodge upon the relations of men to women is the +stereotyped opinion of the land. There is the dictum here for a man who +adores a woman who is possessed by a husband. If he has long adored her, +and known himself to be preferred by her in innocency of heart; if he has +solved the problem of being her bosom's lord, without basely seeking to +degrade her to being his mistress; the epithets to characterise him in +our vernacular will probably be all the less flattering. Politically we +are the most self-conscious people upon earth, and socially the frankest +animals. The terrorism of our social laws is eminently serviceable, +for without it such frank animals as we are might run into bad excesses. +I judge rather by the abstract evidence than by the examples our fair +matrons give to astounded foreigners when abroad. + +Louise writes that her husband is paralysed. The Marquis de Mazardouin +is at last tasting of his mortality. I bear in mind the day when he +married her. She says that he has taken to priestly counsel, and, like +a woman, she praises him for that. It is the one thing which I have not +done to please her. She anticipates his decease. Should she be free-- +what then? My heart does not beat the faster for the thought. There are +twenty years upon it, and they make a great load. But I have a desire +that she should come over to us. The old folly might rescue me from the +new one. Not that I am any further persecuted by the dread that I am in +imminent danger here. I have established a proper mastery over my young +lady. 'Nous avons change de role'. Alice is subdued; she laughs feebly, +is becoming conscious--a fact to be regretted, if I desired to check the +creature's growth. There is vast capacity in the girl. She has plainly +not centred her affections upon Charles, so that a man's conscience might +be at ease if--if he chose to disregard what is due to decency. But, +why, when I contest it, do I bow to the world's opinion concerning +disparity of years between husband and wife? I know innumerable cases of +an old husband making a young wife happy. My friend, Dr. Galliot, +married his ward, and he had the best wife of any man of my acquaintance. +She has been publishing his learned manuscripts ever since his death. +That is an extreme case, for he was forty-five years her senior, and +stood bald at the altar. Old General Althorpe married Julia Dahoop, and, +but for his preposterous jealousy of her, might be cited in proof that +the ordinary reckonings are not to be a yoke on the neck of one who +earnestly seeks to spouse a fitting mate, though late in life. But, +what are fifty years? They mark the prime of a healthy man's existence. +He has by that time seen the world, can decide, and settle, and is +virtually more eligible--to use the cant phrase of gossips--than a young +man, even for a young girl. And may not some fair and fresh reward be +justly claimed as the crown of a virtuous career? + +I say all this, yet my real feeling is as if I were bald as Dr. Galliot +and jealous as General Althorpe. For, with my thorough knowledge of +myself, I, were I like either one of them, should not have offered myself +to the mercy of a young woman, or of the world. Nor, as I am and know +myself to be, would I offer myself to the mercy of Alice Amble. When my +filleule first drove into Dayton she had some singularly audacious ideas +of her own. Those vivid young feminine perceptions and untamed +imaginations are desperate things to encounter. There is nothing beyond +their reach. Our safety from them lies in the fact that they are always +seeing too much, and imagining too wildly; so that, with a little help +from us, they may be taught to distrust themselves; and when they have +once distrusted themselves, we need not afterwards fear them: their +supernatural vitality has vanished. I fancy my pretty Alice to be in +this state now. She leaves us to-morrow. In the autumn we shall have +her with us again, and Louise will scan her compassionately. I desire +that they should meet. It will be hardly fair to the English girl, but, +if I stand in the gap between them, I shall summon up no small quantity +of dormant compatriotic feeling. The contemplation of the contrast, too, +may save me from both: like the logic ass with the two trusses of hay on +either side of him. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +SHE + +I am at home. There was never anybody who felt so strange in her home. +It is not a month since I left my sisters, and I hardly remember that I +know them. They all, and even papa, appear to be thinking about such +petty things. They complain that I tell them nothing. What have I to +tell? My Prince! my own Leboo, if I might lie in the stall with you, +then I should feel thoroughly happy! That is, if I could fall asleep. +Evelina declares we are not eight miles from Dayton. It seems to me I +am eight millions of miles distant, and shall be all my life travelling +along a weary road to get there again just for one long sunny day. And +it might rain when I got there after all! My trouble nobody knows. +Nobody knows a thing! + +The night before my departure, Miss Pollingray did me the honour to +accompany me up to my bedroom. She spoke to me searchingly about +Charles; but she did not demand compromising answers. She is not in +favour of early marriages, so she merely wishes to know the footing upon +which we stand: that of friends. I assured her we were simply friends. +'It is the firmest basis of an attachment,' she said; and I did not look +hurried. + +But I gained my end. I led her to talk of the beautiful Marquise. This +is the tale. Mr. Pollingray, when a very young man, and comparatively +poor, went over to France with good introductions, and there saw and fell +in love with Louise de Riverolles. She reciprocated his passion. If he +would have consented to abjure his religion and worship with her, Madame +de Riverolles, her mother, would have listened to her entreaties. But +Gilbert was firm. Mr. Pollingray, I mean, refused to abandon his faith. +Her mother, consequently, did not interfere, and Monsieur de Riverolles, +her father, gave her to the Marquis de Marzardouin, a roue young +nobleman, immensely rich, and shockingly dissipated. And she married +him. No, I cannot understand French girls. Do as I will, it is quite +incomprehensible to me how Louise, loving another, could suffer herself +to be decked out in bridal finery and go to the altar and take the +marriage oaths. Not if perdition had threatened would I have submitted. +I have a feeling that Mr. Pollingray should have shown at least one +year's resentment at such conduct; and yet I admire him for his immediate +generous forgiveness of her. It was fatherly. She was married at +sixteen. His forgiveness was the fruit of his few years' seniority, +said Miss Pollingray, whose opinion of the Marquise I cannot arrive at. +At any rate, they have been true and warm friends ever since, constantly +together interchangeing visits. That is why Mr. Pollingray has been more +French than English for those long years. + +Miss Pollingray concluded by asking me what I thought of the story. I +said: 'It is very strange French habits are so different from ours. I +dare say . . . I hope . . , perhaps . . . indeed, Mr. Pollingray +seems happy now.' Her idea of my wits must be that they are of the +schoolgirl order--a perfect receptacle for indefinite impressions. + +'Ah!' said she. 'Gilbert has burnt his heart to ashes by this time.' + +I slept with that sentence in my brain. In the morning, I rose and +dressed, dreaming. As I was turning the handle of my door to go down to +breakfast, suddenly I swung round in a fit of tears. It was so piteous +to think that he should have waited by her twenty years in a slow +anguish, his heart burning out, without a reproach or a complaint. I saw +him, I still see him, like a martyr. + +'Some people,' Miss Pollingray said, I permitted themselves to think evil +of my brother's assiduous devotion to a married woman. There is not a +spot on his character, or on that of the person whom Gilbert loved.' + +I would believe it in the teeth of calumny. I would cling to my, belief +in him if I were drowning. + +I consider that those twenty years are just nothing, if he chooses to +have them so. He has lived embalmed in a saintly affection. No wonder +he considers himself still youthful. He is entitled to feel that his +future is before him. + +No amount of sponging would get the stains away from my horrid red +eyelids. I slunk into my seat at the breakfast-table, not knowing that +one of the maids had dropped a letter from Charles into my hand, and that +I had opened it and was holding it open. The letter, as I found +afterwards, told me that Charles has received an order from his uncle to +go over to Mr. Pollingray's estate in Dauphiny on business. I am not +sorry that they should have supposed I was silly enough to cry at the +thought of Charles's crossing the Channel. They did imagine it, I know; +for by and by Miss Pollingray whispered: 'Les absents n'auront pas tort, +cette fois, n'est-ce-pas? 'And Mr. Pollingray was cruelly gentle: an air +of 'I would not intrude on such emotions'; and I heightened their +delusions as much as I could: there was no other way of accounting for my +pantomime face. Why should he fancy I suffered so terribly? He talked +with an excited cheerfulness meant to relieve me, of course, but there +was no justification for his deeming me a love-sick kind of woe-begone +ballad girl. It caused him likewise to adopt a manner--what to call it, +I cannot think: tender respect, frigid regard, anything that accompanies +and belongs to the pressure of your hand with the finger-tips. He said +goodbye so tenderly that I would have kissed his sleeve. The effort to +restrain myself made me like an icicle. Oh! adieu, mon parrain! + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +A wise man will not squander his laughter if he can help it +A woman is hurt if you do not confide to her your plans +Gentleman in a good state of preservation +Imparting the usual chorus of yesses to his own mind +In every difficulty, patience is a life-belt +Knew my friend to be one of the most absent-minded of men +Rapture of obliviousness +Telling her anything, she makes half a face in anticipation +When you have done laughing with her, you can laugh at her + + +[The End] + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 4496 *** |