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diff --git a/44953-8.txt b/44953-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 393407d..0000000 --- a/44953-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1831 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, -July 6, 1895, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, July 6, 1895 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Sir Francis Burnand - -Release Date: February 18, 2014 [EBook #44953] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JULY 6, 1895 *** - - - - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - -[Illustration: PUNCH VOL CIX] - - LONDON: - - PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, - - AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. - - 1895. - - - - - LONDON: - BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS. - - * * * * * - - PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - - VOL. 109. - - DECEMBER 28, 1895. - - - - -[Illustration: PREFACE] - -A COLLOQUY IN CLOUDLAND. - - SCENE--_Cloudland, nigh to midnight of the last day of the Old - Year. The Incomparable Sage of Fleet Street and "La Mancha's - Matchless Knight" mounted on their respective wooden horses._ - -_Mr. Punch_ (_spurring the Spotted One_). Yoicks! Tallyho!! Hark -forward!!! Something like space-consuming speed this, eh, my dear Don? -Who talks now of a Horseless Age? - -_Don Quixote_ (_turning the peg of Malambruno's magic steed_). Only -your scientific and sensational journals, who, dryasdust dogs! are, -after all, endless leagues behind Merlin the Enchanter, and the -magic-aided heroes of old romance. - -_Mr. Punch._ Kim up, my timber-built timber-topper, and spotted -space-devourer! As though the much-talked of motor-carriage, -auto-cycle, or petroleum-propelled tram-car of these mouthing days of -modernity might compare with the Trifaldi's steed, my spotted Pegasus, -or even the peripatetic carpet of Persian story! Speed you well, -valorous knight! - -_Don Quixote._ Heaven guide thee, undaunted Sage! Hah! How you fly -aloft! How you cut the air more swiftly than an arrow!! How you mount, -and soar, and astonish the world below!!! - -_Mr. Punch._ Haha! Ours is no imaginary, bellows-blown flight, as was -yours, worthy knight, when seated with SANCHO on the wooden crupper of -Clavileno, pressed aforetime by the valourous PETER of Provence, and -the fair MAGALONA! - -_Don Quixote._ Nay, indeed, Sir Knight of the Spotted Bucephalus--for -thou art no chivalry-scorning TRIFALDI--we are not now blindfolded, -and _thy_ Pegasus, _thy_ Brilladoro, _thy_ Bayarte, _thy_ Frontino, -_thy_ Clavileno el Aligero--or Wooden-Peg the Winged--might give a -lead even to my renowned Rosinante! - -_Mr. Punch._ Blindfolded? Nay, dear knight, I am the Dazzling -Illuminator, not the Bewildering Blinder! - -_Don Quixote._ I plainly perceive that thou art a Progressive. - -_Mr. Punch._ I am a Progressive Moderate and a Moderate Progressive. -Badge me not therefore in any less comprehensive fashion, O Knight of -the Rueful Countenance. - -_Don Quixote._ I presume, Sir Sage, that those same Progressives, -however, who claim to initiate all the forthright movement of the Age, -did originate and invent the motor-carriages, auto-cycles, and other -the horseless locomotive vehicles of which we spake but now? - -_Mr. Punch._ Who better than yourself should know, my dear Don, that -all are not Progressives who make a stir about Progress? Like the -circumgyrators in the game of "Giant's Stride," many of them ramp -round in a circle, and "get no forrader." _I_ am the only true and -trustworthy Progressive, and my auto-motor cuts _all_ records! - -_Don Quixote._ And is it propelled by petroleum? - -_Mr. Punch._ By nothing so crude, flaring, and fuliginous, dear Don. -It is "motived" by--LIGHT! - -_Don Quixote._ Wondrous machine! How would I like to mount it! Is it -in likeness of a horse? - -_Mr. Punch._ Say not the witlings and wiseacres that we are on the -verge of a Horseless Age? - -_Don Quixote._ They do. But, by the bones of my beloved Rosinante, the -idea liketh me not. The horse is indeed a noble animal---- - -_Mr. Punch._ And will continue to be "useful to man," our current -cyclo-and-auto-motormania notwithstanding. The cycle doubtless hath -its utility, and even charm, though in certain of its characteristics -it seems qualified to give mankind the hump! - -_Don Quixote._ And womankind the wobbles! - -_Mr. Punch._ - - When lovely woman stoops to wheeling, - And finds too late that bikes betray, - Beauty, and grace, and finer feeling - She'll see the sex hath chucked away! - -_Don Quixote._ Verily, had my peerless DULCINEA herself bestraddled a -spinning-wheel in ungraceful posture and unseemly garb, I, her sworn -knight, should have deemed her the victim of diabolic enchantment. -Why, even the afflicted duenna, with her fair cheeks beard-begrown by -enchantment, she whom SANCHO called the Countess Three-Skirts, would -not--save under dire compulsion--have donned the modern divided skirt -and mounted the man-saddled steed of steel. Art sure, Sir Sage, -that after all it is _not_ enchantment that hath so far unsexed your -afflicted damosels and duennas, and that 'tis not my duty in their -defence to lay lance in rest---- - -_Mr. Punch._ Nay, sweet soul of chivalry, Mayfair is not La Mancha, -and you may safely leave its fair denizens to the defence--or, if need -be, chastening--of that knightly lance of to-day, my own invincible -and unerring _bâton_. But, verily, 'twere a punishment not -ill-deserved by certain of our mannish maidens and male-mimicking -matrons did MALAMBRUNO clap bristly scrubbing-brush hairs upon them as -upon your distressful Duenna of Toledo. - -_Don Quixote._ Verily, Sir Sage, we are mounting skyward, dawn-ward, -New Year-ward in a wondrous manner! Thy spotted steed is surely -Pegasus itself, for Skyworld is full of myriad voices of wisdom and -melody. - -_Mr. Punch._ But my Auto-Motor, comparable only with the Sun God's -glowing chariot, shall outsoar and outshine even our present empyrean -flight. - -_Voice_ (_suddenly sounding behind them_). Wuff! Wuff! Wuff! - -_Don Quixote_ (_looking round_). Saints preserve us! What is this new -marvellous enchantment? Hath Sirius itself broken loose?--doth the Dog -Star follow our trail? - -_Mr. Punch._ What seest thou, Sir Knight? - -_Don Quixote_ (_with awe_). I behold, as it were, an aerial -fire-wheeled car, shapen in the guise of a Titanic Tome, coruscating -comet-like in its career, whereon is mounted--yes, verily--a Dog--a -Dog of Dogs! What, Sir PUNCH, may be this portent? - -_Mr. Punch._ Why, my dear DON QUIXOTE--who seems scarcely the Quixote -Quicksight of the nursery rhyme--what _should_ it be but TOBIAS -himself with that promised specimen of my Auroral Autocar, or -Mirific Motor-Carriage, self-impelled, self-steered, self-lighted, -self-heated, the most peerless outcome of the true Progressive spirit, -the true acme of sure and speedy Progress; in other words, dear Don, -and at your entire service, my - - =One Hundred and Ninth Volume!!!= - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - - PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - - Volume 109, July 6, 1895. - - _edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ - - - - -[Illustration: VOL 109] - - * * * * * - -A PATH OF PEACE. - -(_The Baltic Canal, June 22, 1895._) - -["Peace reigns over the whole fleet," &c.--_"Daily News" Special._] - - A work of Peace, whereto from near and far - Gather the iron-bosomed brood of war, - Like new Stymphalian birds, whose claws and wings - The warrior welcomes and the poet sings. - Oh, gentle Peace, how strange in our strange day. - Thy mailèd retinue, thine armed array! - Those flower-deck'd obelisks, that silken rope,-- - Bright illustrations of the Tales of Hope,-- - The royal speeches and the loyal cheers, - Disguise misgivings as they silence fears. - But Denmark's memories, and the thoughts of France, - As through the stream that yacht's white bows advance, - Breaking that slender cord from bank to bank, - Might move reflections strange. Yet let us thank - Adventurous skill which gives our ships to-day - A shorter passage and a safer way! - Not war alone, but trade, will take the track - That shuns the wild and stormy Skager Rak; - And may Brunsbüttel's now familiar name - Be little linked with Empire's big War-Game - May battle-echoes in the Baltic cease, - And the Canal be a new Path for Peace - - * * * * * - -OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. - -Our B. A. (_i.e._, "Baron's Assistant") begs to congratulate Mr. -GERALD CAMPBELL very heartily on the success of _The Joneses and -the Asterisks_ (JOHN LANE). It is no easy task to write a story in a -series of what may be called monological dialogues,--dialogues, -that is to say, in which only one party speaks while the rest are -understood,--and yet to keep that lightness of touch and that sparkle -of wit without which dialogues become mere barren boredom. This is the -task that Mr. CAMPBELL has brilliantly accomplished. _The Joneses and -the Asterisks_ is as keen and telling a piece of social satire as it -has been the B. A.'s good fortune to come across for many a long day. - -Thursday. June 27, Mid-day. The Baron opens ventilators, doors, -windows. Then, at haphazard, he takes up a book. Its title, _What is -heat?_... Answer immediately given by thermometer, "95° in the shade." -That's heat! And if that isn't, what is? The second title of book is, -_A Peep into Nature's Most Hidden Secrets_. But the Baron is not _Paul -Pry_; he doesn't want to peep; at all events he cannot undertake -any exertion until about November, say, when he will be delighted -to peruse the work of Mr. FREDERICK HOVENDEN, F.L.S., F.G.S., -F.R.M.S.,--"Three single Fellows rolled into one." "Let me descend -to the ice-cellar, or in cool grot let me sit, with a soothing iced -beverage and a choice Havannah; let me read there _About the North -Pole_, and _Gunter's Tales of Ices_," quoth the - - BURDENED BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. - - * * * * * - -SHAKSPEARE ON THE SITUATION. - - _Caius Marcius Coriolanus_ MR. CH-MB-RL-N. - _Tullus Aufidius_ L-RD S-L-SB-RY. - -_Act IV., Sc. 4. Antium_ (_Downing Street_). _Before Aufidius's -House._ - - _Cor._ O world, thy slippery turns! Friends now fast sworn, - Whose double bosoms seem to wear one heart, - Whose hours, whose bed, whose meals, and exercise, - Are still together, who twin, as 'twere, in love - Unseparable, should, within this hour, - On the dissension of a doit, break out - To bitterest enmity: so, fellest foes, - Whose passions and whose plots have broke their sleep, - To take the one the other, by some chance, - Some trick, not worth an egg, shall grow dear friends, - And interjoin their issues. So with me: - My birth-place hate I, and my love's upon - This enemy town. * * * * - - _Auf._ (_entering, Sc. 5_). Say, what's thy name? - - _Cor._ My name is CAIUS MARCIUS, who hath done, - To thee particularly, and all the VOLCES, - Great hurt and mischief.... Now, this extremity, - Hath brought me to thy hearth. - - _Auf._ O MARCIUS, MARCIUS! - Each word thou has spoken hath weeded from my heart - A root of ancient envy. If Jupiter - Should from yond' cloud speak divine things, - And say, "'Tis true," I'd not believe them more - Than thee, all noble MARCIUS.--Let me twine - Mine arms about that body, where against - My grainèd ash a hundred times hath broke. - .... I do contest - As hotly and as nobly with thy love - As ever in ambitious strength I did - Contend against thy valour.... Why, thou Mars! I tell thee - We have a power on foot.... O, come, go in, - And take our friendly senators by the hands.... - - _Cor._ You bless me, gods! - - _Auf._ Therefore, most absolute Sir, if thou wilt have - The leading of thine own revenges, take - The one half of my commission. But come in: - Let me commend thee first to those that shall - Say "Yea" to thy desires. A thousand welcomes - And more a friend than e'er an enemy; - Yet, MARCIUS, that was much. Your hand! most welcome! - - [_Exeunt_ CORIOLANUS _and_ AUFIDIUS. - - * * * * * - -TOBY'S MEM.--_Wednesday, July 3._--"Dog Days begin." Go down to coast. -"My bark is on the sea!" Avoid going south for fear of the Muzzle-man. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: IN THE SHADE. - -_Lord R-s-b-ry._ "WHO'D BE A MINISTER?" - -_Sir W. V. H-rc-rt._ "WHO, INDEED? WHY I WOULDN'T DO IT IF _THEY -ASKED_ ME!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: HOW ROMANTIC! - -_She._ "I SAY, _THIS_ IS PRETTY AWFUL! POOR LITTLE MISS MESSUP!--IT -SAYS HERE THAT 'SHORTLY AFTER THE WEDDING SHE DISCOVERED HE WASN'T -REALLY A BARON!'" - -_He._ "WELL. THINK OF THE POOR JOHNNY WHEN _HE_ FOUND OUT SHE WASN'T -REALLY AN HEIRESS!"] - - * * * * * - -THE CANDIDATE'S VADE MECUM. - -_Question._ Why do you desire to enter the House of Commons? - -_Answer._ Because, if I am honoured by my fellow-men by being chosen -to represent them, it is my ambition to serve them faithfully and -maintain in all its glorious integrity the time-honoured heritage of -this mighty empire. - -_Q._ Yes, so you have said in your address to the electors; but have -you no other reason for wishing to occupy a seat in Parliament? - -_A._ Certainly. The prestige bestowed by the letters "M.P." is -pleasing, and if the honour ultimately culminates in a baronetcy or a -knighthood the distinction will be gratifying to my wife. - -_Q._ Then you would not be adverse to receiving promotion in the line -to which you have referred? - -_A._ No; because I should consider that I acted merely as a trustee to -my constituents--that I, in fact, appeared in the character of their -personal representative. - -_Q._ Yes, you said something of the sort the other evening at a -canvassing meeting in reply to a question put to you by one of your -voters; but surely the decoration would be desirable for some other -consideration? - -_A._ It undoubtedly would have a certain market value in the City in -the eyes of promoters of public companies of limited liability. - -_Q._ What measures have you taken to secure election beyond issuing -the very admirable address to which I have, more than once, referred? - -_A._ For the last two or three years I have assiduously nursed the -constituency. - -_Q._ What do you mean by nursing a constituency? - -_A._ Obtaining a stake in the shape of land and a house in -the division, and making myself generally popular amongst my -fellow-ratepayers. - -_Q._ How can you become popular? - -_A._ By subscribing largely to local charities and institutions, -laying foundation stones, and opening fancy bazaars with untiring -energy. - -_Q._ What considerations weigh with you when you are invited to add -your name to a subscription-list? - -_A._ I take care to make the sum I give a little larger than that -contributed by my opponent, and take it as a general rule that lawn -tennis is of more importance than dispensaries, and polo, from a -benevolent point of view, takes precedence of associations established -to relieve dire distress. - -_Q._ Is there any other method which may be adopted with advantage by -those desirous of nursing a constituency? - -_A._ Speaking frequently in assembly rooms, taking nursery gardens for -the same purpose, and generally improving trade in the neighbourhood. - -_Q._ Then the money paid for the hirings to which you refer is -commercially popular? - -_A._ It is, and (joined of course to the eloquence of my friends and -myself) should distinctly influence the election. - -_Q._ And should you be elected, what do you suppose you will have to -do? - -_A._ To thoroughly enjoy the honour of being able to treat the House -of Commons as a club, and being asked by the leaders of my Party -to all their entertainments. I shall see my name in every newspaper -report when I have happened to take part in a popular function. I -shall find that I have mounted the social ladder by leaps and bounds, -and be able to pleasurably patronise or cut direct those who now -become my inferiors. - -_Q._ And what consideration will support you in your general -demeanour? - -_A._ The conviction that all I do, and have done, is and has been -actuated by the purest patriotism. - - * * * * * - -"DALY NEWS! SPECIAL!" - -Once again we welcome the return of Miss ADA REHAN, with JAMES LEWIS -the Lively, and Mrs. GILBERT the Good, to DALY'S, in Leicester Square. -But so short is their season, and so many are the pieces -announced, that to take more than a snap-shot at any one of them is -impracticable, seeing that the Daly changes are weekly. Ere anyone -sees these lines AUGUSTIN DALY'S train of thought will have passed -over, and beyond them. _The Railroad of Love_ will have served its -purpose, and become a siding. _Two Gentlemen of Verona_ will be -travelling first-class on Shakspearian main line leading to _Midsummer -Night's Dream_, which, with its fairy revels and its music, will -represent the terminus of this short journey. When will DALY & CO. -come to stay? - - * * * * * - -THE SOMALIS AT SYDENHAM. - -IN THE STABLES. - -_Miss Simplicia Simpson_ (_looking at the native saddles on -brackets_). I suppose those are what they put on the ostriches! - -_Her Companion._ They don't _ride_ ostriches. - -_Miss Simpson_ (_in a tone of pity and reproof_). That only shows -you've never read your _Swiss Family Robinson!_ - -_A Gobe-mouche._ Well, I never see a white lamb with a black 'ed -before; that _is_ a curiosity, ain't it'? - -_His Phlegmatic Friend._ Not arf such a curiosity as if it 'ad 'ad a -black 'ed be'ind. - -_A Censorious Lady_ (_before a row of baby elephants_). Oh, _aren't_ -they horrid! Look at their horrid little eyes. (_As one of them -protrudes a predatory trunk._) Oh, get away, _do!_ They are _the_ most -hideous creatures I've _ever_ seen! _Look_ at that one, all wrinkled -and baggy like an old man. See, it's wagging its head about like a -Chinese doll! I do think they're _quite_ loathsome, don't you? - -_Her Companion_ (_a more Tolerant Person_). I daresay they would'nt -look so bad if they were varnished up a bit. - -IN THE OSTRICH FARM. - -_The Keeper_ (_who apparently considers his Show as moral as_ -ARTEMUS WARD'S--_to the Public generally_). I've came over here From -California, whose golden waters kiss The mouth of her Sunny Sands, and -where there air strawberries all the year round. On the farm where I -live there were only fourteen days in all of lasst year when we had no -strawberries. The most Glorious climate In the World; and, if anyone -don't believe it, all they've got to _do_ is to die; and then, if -they've been good, they'll go there, and find out for themselves. I'm -not under Con-tràct To say a single word here, but I want to talk to -you about these birds, because they're generally misunderstood. They -walk en-tirely From the Toe, which gives them the graceful, springy -action you see. They air all named after the greatest people now -living on airth. This one close to the rails is called JIM BLAKE. Mark -well the Peculiarities, Life, Habits, _and_ Characteristics of the -Ostrich, and you will all of you go away And lead A moral life. The -only absolootly Purrfect Being on This ole Universe is the bird now -passing in front of me. Her name is GAIL HAMILTON, and She has The -Smallest Feet of anyone here present, _and_ the Smallest Head. She has -only one ounce of brains inside of it, and that is Sufficient for her -requirements, and nobody would have any use for more if they did not -suffer From swelled heads.... Yes, little girl, you're purrfectly -right--the ostrich _does_ run zig-zag, which is A Fact that is -Unknown to many Scientific men. The kick of the ostrich is as quick as -lightning--_quicker_ 'n lightning, be-cause you can see lightning, but -you _cann't_ see an ostrich's kick, which is four kicks to the second, -and kills a man every time. At certain seasons it is Impossible to go -among these birds except On horseback, and pro-vided with a stout pole -with a fork at the end for Self-defence. All of these birds are here -on Sale, and there is a large demand for them for Gentlemen's Parks -and Country seats. - -_A Suburban Humourist_ (_to his_ Wife). What d'ye say to gettin' a -pair on 'em fur our back-yard, eh? - -_His Wife._ 'Ow you _do_ tork, 'ENERY! 'Oo do _you_ suppose is goin' -to 'ang the washing out with two o' them great houtlandish beasts -lolloping around? Not _me_, and so I _tell_ yer. I've enough work on -_my_ 'ands without no austridges! - - [_She fans herself violently with her programme, and_ 'ENERY - _is reduced to explain that his suggestion was not seriously - intended._ - -IN THE STANDS--DURING THE NATIVE DISPLAY. - -_Mrs. Keyveve_ (_to her brother_, Mr. FREDERICK FRIVELL, _as the -Somalis are performing a marriage dance_). It seems a curious kind of -wedding, doesn't it, FRED? Can you make out which are the bride and -bridegroom? - -_Mr. Frivell._ Fancy that's the bride in red cotton, with her hair -down, prancing with maidenly gaiety between the first bridesmaid and -the best man, while the bridegroom, becomingly draped in a bath-towel, -may be observed capering up and down clapping hands with the -officiating clergy. A simple but impressive ceremony. - -_Mrs. Keyveve._ Very. I wonder if they get any wedding presents. - -_Mr. Frivell._ Rather. The sportsman in the rusty wig gave 'em -BROWNING'S poems and an afternoon tea-kettle, and the Johnny with -the feathers in his wool presented her with a dressing-bag. The -photo-frames, card-cases and carriage-clocks are all laid out in one -of the huts, according to the savage custom of the country, guarded -by a detective in the disguise of a wedding guest, armed with poisoned -spears. - -_Mrs. Keyveve._ How silly you are! Look, they're rolling along a -great wicker-basket. What _can_ they have in it--the bride's luggage, -perhaps?... Why, it's an enormous snake! See, it's crawling out! - -_Mr. Frivell._ It's the bride's going-away dress, that's all. Someone -ought to tell her that boas aren't worn this season, though. - -_'Arriet_ (_in the Sixpenny Promenade, to_ 'ARRY). What are they -miking all that row about--are they supposed to be _torking_, or what? - -_'Arry_ (_vaguely_). I expect they're declarin' war--against -_somebody_ or other. - -_'Arriet_ (_reflectively_). I wonder if that little bit of 'air -stickin' up grows out of that feller's 'ed like that. Look at all them -little nippers runnin' about--(_with an air of discovery_)--I expect -they _belong_ to some of 'em. - - [_The Somalis perform a war-dance, which seems to consist in - squatting down opposite one another in a double row, chanting - "Razza-Ho! Ho-hoâ-ho-ho!" or words to that effect, while two - of the party dodge between the ranks and cluck like poultry, - after which all rise, knock their wooden shields together - until they lose further interest in the affair, and stroll - away satiated._ - -_Mrs. Keyveve._ Is that really their war-dance? It's very much the -same as the _marriage_ dance, isn't it? - -_Mr. Frivell_ (_a contented bachelor_). Yes; subtle beggars, these -Somalis. - -_'Arry_ (_during the Sham Fight_). 'Ark at one on 'em 'owlin' -"Oo-oo-oo!" he's took bad _agen_! Good ole Mop 'Ed got one in _that_ -time! "Olla-olla-olla!"--he's sayin' the other bloke 'it 'im on the -jor. - -_'Arriet._ There's one keeps sayin' "Pudd'n" as plain as possible. -There agen--"Pudd'n!" d'jear 'im? They orter bring that young -SHAZARDER chap to see this; he'd feel at _'ome_ 'ere, among all these -Injians, wouldn' 'e? - -_'Arry._ They ain't Injians--they're _Afrikins_, didn't you know -_that_ much? - -_'Arriet._ Oh, you're so partickler, _you_ are! - -_Mrs. Keyveve_ (_during the Dromedary Race_). _How_ seasick one must -feel on those wobbly camels! - -_Mr. Frivell._ The Camel has been beautifully called the "Ship of the -Desert." - -_A Husband_ (_confidentially, to his neighbour_). Yer know, the Missus -ain't _enjoyin'_ all this, _she_ aint--you see. I'll arsk her, and -you 'ear what she sez. (_To his_ "Missus.") 'Ow d'yer _like_ it, eh, -Mother? - -_His "Missus"_ (_with self-repression_). Oh--middlin'. - -_Husband_ (_insistently_). Ah, I know what _that_ means; yer don't -_care_ about it. Now, _do_ yer? - -_His "Missus."_ It's well enough--in its way. (_With irrepressible -candour._) I'd sooner see the Mow'ork Minstruels. - -_Husband_ (_to his neighbour, with a mixture of chagrin and -complacency_). Didn't I _tell_ yer? That's where it is. I don't know a -more severer criteek anywheres than what my ole woman is! - -_Miss Simpson._ Look at those dear ostriches running after one another -and opening their beaks. Now _that_'s not imitation, you know! - -_'Arry_ (_with his characteristic eye for analogy--as the entire -caravan parades past in procession_). There they _are_, yer -see--_Comin' 'Ome from Southend!_ - -[Illustration: "There they _are_, yer see--Comin' 'Ome from -Southend!"] - - * * * * * - -SMALL BY DEGREES AND BEAUTIFULLY LESS.--Our excellent contemporary -the _Northern Whig_ allows a correspondent to call attention to the -nuisance of cycling in Malone Park. Apparently our "fellow-subjects -of the sister kingdom" have followed the lead of "the beginners of -Battersea," and "made themselves a source of annoyance to the majority -of people resident in the locality." If "the nuisance" is permitted, -the correspondent suggests the Park will soon be deserted. When this -happens, the cyclist can appropriately alter his ride (by cutting off -a letter) around Malone to Alone. - - * * * * * - -OPERATIC NOTES. - -[Illustration: Zerlina Patti accompanied by her Squire on the -violoncello.] - -Another two "turns" and PATTI is off. Delightful to see and hear her -as _Zerlina_ in immortal Opera _Don Giovanni_. "_Patti Patti_" with -"_Batti Batti_," "_La ci darem_," and all old friends admirably given -and heartily encored. After one of the encores MAGGIE MACINTYRE walks -off suddenly as if in search of lost pocket-handkerchief. In most -serious moments ever a twinkle in MAGGIE'S eye, and twitch at the -corners of MAGGIE'S mouth, as if giving audience clearly to understand -that she is "only purtendin'." - -Second Act. Enter PATTI; sings, pauses; wonders; sings note, like -nightingale summoning mate; pauses; again wonders. "Some one had -blundered!" BEVIGNANI beaming but bothered. "He cometh not," they -said. Exit PATTI, shrugging shoulders. Curtain drops. Very short Act. -Audience, amused, applaud. Curtain up again. BEVIGNANI brightens. -Re-enter PATTI with merry _Masetto_, who privately explains that for -a few moments he had lost his voice and had been looking for it. -Fortunately, voice found; in chest; quite safe. Surely a little -modern dramatic polish might be used to furbish up utterly idiotic -old-fashioned stage-business of this ancient Italian Opera? Eh, Signor -DRURIOLANUS? - -In the trio at end of Act II. somebody got off the line, and audience, -determined that they would be better for a little more practice, -called Ma'am ADINI, Miss MAGGIE, and Master BROZEL before the curtain, -and then made them go through their exercise once more. Nothing like -practice, to make perfect. - -The Statuesque _Commendatore_ to be highly commended as represented -by aristocratic MANNERS. New Italian Opera proverb "Manners makes the -Commendatore." PATTI at premium. Royalty Restored to Box. Brilliant -night. Crammed, jammed house. - -_In Lobby._--Much agitation among ancient Opera-goers on hearing -report that MARIO is to sing here on Saturday afternoon. "MARIO!" they -exclaim; "impossible!" Not at all: it turns out that _this_ "MARIO" is -a character in a new Opera by "ALICK MACLEAN" (pretty name, but nicer -if it were "A WASH MECLEAN"), entitled _Petruccio_ (not SHAKSPEAR'S -_Petruchio_), in which one _Mario_ is "_Elvira's little brother_;" and -so, possibly, he was quite an infant when sister _Elvira_ was cruelly -treated by _Don Giovanni_. Also in this new Opera appears "_Elvira's -mother_." In fact, it is rather lucky for _Don_ that he has gone below -with Stony _Commendatore_ to Stony Stratford, or elsewhere, as -the talented _Elvira_ family, with whom is associated _Rubino_, a -gentleman "formerly betrothed to _Elvira_," would make it rather too -hot for him. - -_Tuesday._--GLÜCK'S _Orfeo_. "Gen'lm'n," if overtaken with wine, as -was _David Copperfield_ on a notable occasion, would say, "G'luck t' -you," that is, could any gentleman in such state be possibly admitted -to Covent Garden, and could dare to address JULIA RAVOGLI, admirable -as _Orfeo_, _Cavalleria_ to follow. - -_Thursday._--Madame SEMBRICH nice as _Violetta Traviata_, "were -t'other dear charmer away!" Very hot night. MANCINELLI must for once -have wished himself a non-conductor? Result, MANCINELLI Melted. - -_Friday._--_Adelina Zerlina Patti-cake_ and the Im-Maurel _Don G._ -Why not in such hot weather give opera with ice in it; PATTI in skates -"_en Patti-neuse_." - -_Saturday._--Welcome to Madame ALBANI, our _Valentine_ in what -WAGSTAFF calls "_Lay Hug-me-nots_." "Not bad title," he explains; -"after crowd of ecclesiastics in swearing scene, pleasing to find -two principal characters are 'lay': not 'lay-figures' but lovers not -permitted by hard Fate either to embrace each other or any opportunity -of eloping together; so '_Hug-me-not_' curiously applicable." So far, -WAGSTAFF. Strong cast this with GIULIA RAVOGLI as _Urbano_ the page of -music, MELBA as _Margherita_ the Queen with the top-notes in her -air; JUPITER-PLANÇON as _Marcel_, TAM AGNO as _Hug-me-not Raoul_, and -ANCONA as _Conte de Nevers-say-die_. Conducting orchestral army to -victory, Marshal MANCINELLI is Merry and Meritorious. - - * * * * * - -THE BOY AND THE BAT. - -["Who may describe a small boy's passion for his bat?"--_Daily News._] - -_Jemmy Bilkins, aged Thirteen-and-a-half, loquitur_:-- - - I've won it, BILL, I've won it! And it's pooty nigh full size! - Leastways, anyhow, it _looks_ it. O, I tell yer, it's a prize. - Yaller-backed, BILL, and cane-'andled, and its got a sort o' feel, - As yer swing it wot reminds yer of a STODDART _or_ a STEEL. - Last Saturday as ever wos I turned out afore six, - And practised in our back yard, wiv three lumps o' deal for - "sticks." - Young POLLY she bowled to me, and I drove 'er, and I cut, - And "swiped over the Pervilion"--which I mean our water-butt. - POLL can do a fair round-armer _for_ a girl and no mistake, - And she'll 'ave you, middle-stumpo, if yer don't look wide awake. - 'Twos the day of our School Match, BILL, and our gaffer, Mister - BLORE, - 'Ad promised a cane-'andler to the boy as made top score. - Oh I tell yer I meant 'aving it, if _practisin'_ would do, - But _my_ bat 'ad split a lump off, and it seemed to 'it askew. - 'Ow _can_ yer "keep a straight bat" when your bat itself aint - straight? - But we did our level best, BILL, me an' POLLY. - At our _fate_ - Out at Petersham I tell you as we done the thing to rights, - None o' yer 'at-an'-coat piles for the wickets, as is sights - A cricketer cocks snooks at, when 'e knows the _real_ game. - No penny injy-rubber and a club! Though, all the same, - Wiv a second-'and stripped tennis-ball, a little on the lop, - Or even a ha'penny woodeny, an' the chump end of a mop, - And my jacket on a stick for stump, I've 'ad a lot of fun, - And wiv such on Gosling Green, BILL, I fust larned to 'it an' run. - But to-day we did it different. Real stumps was pitched O. K., - We'd a scoring-sheet, _and umpire!_ We'd a red new ball to play, - As it seemed a sin to slog at, 'cos it took the pooty out; - But I tell yer we forgot that wiv the fust good 'it and shout. - - Lanky STEVE 'e made that 'it, 'e did. It scooted past long slip, - At forty mile a hour or so. That STEVE _can_ make 'em skip. - He tops me by a 'ed, too, and I feared he'd cop the bun. - Yus, I thought the Bat was his'n when he'd piled up twenty-one! - _I_ wanted fanning, BILLY, when I ups and takes my block, - And the ball came thunderin' at me like a little earthquake shock. - Seemed heverywhere, yet nowhere, if you understand me, BILLY. - And pitched just in that orkud spot as always knocks yer silly. - Coming off the pitch like pickles, as though aiming at yer heye; - But I pulls myself together for a volley, an' let fly. - And fust thing I knowed I heard it busting 'ard agin the fence; - And I felt I'd scored a boundary, and the cheering wos emense. - - Then BILLY I lammed into 'em! They came as easy then - As little POLLY'S easiest lobs. BILLY, they called _hus_ "Men!" - "The next man in wos BILKINS" the reporter sez--that's me!-- - "An' e's a young phernomenon, a infant W. G. - Who piled his quarter-century in fair Doctorial form!"-- - Just fancy! But them scribbling chaps _can_ pile it thick and warm. - I won that Bat 'owever with a score of twenty-five, - And POLLY--in the Press-tent!--wos the 'appiest girl alive - While as for _me!_ O BILLY, when I drawed it from the baize, - Caught the whiff of the fresh willow!--well the world looked all a - haze. - If "the Doctor" feels much 'appier when _his_ Testimonial comes-- - Well, though 'e's the pet of England, me a urchin from the slums, - I jist guess he'll hunderstand me! Ony wish I'd got a bob - To send the _Telygraft_, BILL. I should soon be on the job. - _Ain't_ GRACE a 'Oly Stunner; and the Pride o' the Pervilion? - Well I 'ope 'is Testymonial will run up to a Million!!! - And when _he_ makes his next "Century" may _I_ be there to see!-- - Wich the Master says he'll take me, now I'm called "Young W. G." - - * * * * * - -HOW TO FIX THE HAPPY DAY.--_Q._ When's the best day for a wedding? -_A._ Why, of course, "A _Weddin's day_." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: UNLUCKY SPEECHES. - -_Host._ "YOU'LL HAVE A NICE DRIVE HOME!" - -_Guest._ "YES; THAT'S THE BEST OF IT!"] - - * * * * * - -DRESS À LA PREMIÈRE MODE. - -(_A Dialogue Pastoral and Sartorial._) - - SCENE--_A Boudoir._ PRESENT--_A Lady and her Modiste._ - TIME--_The passing hour._ - -_Modiste._ No, Madame, it is utterly impossible for you to wear silks -and satins. They have quite gone out. - -_Lady._ But hasn't alpaca come in a little? - -_Modiste._ Scarcely. It may be used for divided skirts at Battersea -Park, but it is not really recognised. - -_Lady._ Then what am I to wear? - -_Modiste._ Flowers, Madame, flowers. Of course they should be fixed on -foundations, but they are the only materials used at the present time. - -_Lady._ Are they not rather expensive? - -_Modiste._ Well, no. I shall not charge more for them than velvet or -brocade. And, of course, if you choose to wear your dresses more than -once, your maid can get them renovated with new flowers at an almost -fabulous reduction. - -_Lady._ I do not think a gown ever looks well when worn a second time. - -_Modiste._ Quite so, Madame; quite so. Well, would you like a charming -dress of pink hyacinths, with bishop's sleeves of Gloire de Dijon -roses? The skirt would be of variegated lilac. - -_Lady._ But could you get the material for the floral combination? - -_Modiste._ Oh dear yes, Madame! Since the fashion for real flowers has -come in we are supplied daily from all parts of the world, and have a -large stock always at hand on the premises. Why, our greenhouses are -the finest in London. Will you want any other costume to-day? - -_Lady._ Only one for a small dance to-morrow. I want something cool -and quiet. - -_Modiste._ You can scarcely do better than wear a costume _d'Eden_, -or as it is facetiously termed in England, "a dress for EVE." It is an -arrangement in oak leaves and apples _à la mode de la première femme -du monde_. - -_Lady._ Very well. Let me have it home by eleven. - -_Modiste._ You can depend upon my punctuality, Madame. If you are -careful not to dance too much it will last until 2 A.M., and permit of -your partaking of supper. I would not say this with confidence of -all the gowns I turn out, but in this instance you will find leaves -stronger than flowers. And now, Madame, permit me to take your -measure. - - [_Scene closes in upon mysteries of the toilet._ - - * * * * * - -AFTER THE CONGRESS WAS OVER. - -(_A Strange Fragment dealing with a Mystery._) - -Every important question that could be considered had been thoroughly -examined and decided. The delegates, who had come from North, South, -East and West, had expressed their satisfaction with everything -they had seen in London. As for the British Empire generally, their -admiration knew no bounds. "It was magnificent." "It was beautiful." -"It was grand." And yet when they prepared to take their departure -there was a shade of disappointment upon their expressive -countenances. - -"I wish I could have understood it," said one. - -"It would have been a triumph of ingenuity to have comprehended it," -observed another. - -"The queries of the Egyptian Sphinx were the easiest of conundrums in -comparison," added a third. - -And others chimed in to the same effect. But to the very last the -delegates tried their best to solve the problem. At length the company -departed. The hall in which the great assembly had been held was -empty. There was one striking object in the deserted apartment. It was -a book--a yellow-covered book. Evidently it had been much read. But, -in spite of the fingering, there was no distinct evidence that the -full meaning of its contents had been grasped by anyone. - -In the quiet of the night the moonbeams illuminated the title-page. - -The volume that rested so securely with its knowledge carefully -concealed between its paper covers was _Bradshaw's Railway Guide_. - - * * * * * - -WHO WOULDN'T BE AN ALDERMAN?--I have often wished to be an Alderman, -and, after reading the following extract from the _Birmingham -Daily Gazette_, I have fixed upon West Bromwich as the scene of my -aldermanic labours. It must be glorious to joke with such ease:-- - - "A WEST BROMWICH ALDERMAN'S JOKE.--Yesterday morning when the - West Bromwich guardians entered the Board Room at the West - Bromwich Workhouse, the blinds were all drawn, and as a - consequence the room presented a very gloomy appearance. The - business was about to be commenced, when Alderman R. WILLIAMS - objected to the blinds being lowered. He inquired whether - their lowering had a political significance, and whether the - house was in mourning for the death of the Radical Government. - If his assumption was true he considered they should - not commence the business until the blinds were raised - (_Laughter._) Two of the largest blinds were then raised, but - six others were allowed to remain down." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE GREAT POLITICAL COMBINATION TROUPE. - -S-L-SB-RY (THE STRONG MAN), B-LF-R, DUKE OF D-V-NSH-RE, AND JOE -CH-MB-RL-N (THE "CLIMBING BOY").] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: OMNISCIENCE. - -_Son of the House._ "I'M GOING TO OXFORD FOR A WEEK, MARY, SO MIND AND -SEND MY LETTERS THERE. _YOU_ KNOW WHERE OXFORD IS?" - -_Mary Elizabeth Jane_ (_the smart new Parlourmaid who knows -everything_). "YES, SIR. _CAMBRIDGE_, OF COURSE!"] - - * * * * * - -ROUNDABOUT READINGS. - -Some of us like our English short, others prefer it expanded. Some of -us, for instance, might say that "NERO fiddled while Rome burnt." -But this bald statement is obviously quite unsuited to the decorative -instincts of the age, for in the _Daily Telegraph_, only last week, I -read that "a notorious Roman Emperor is credited with the performance -of a violin solo during the raging of a serious conflagration in -the heart of his capital." The omission of NERO'S name gives to this -sentence a delicate parliamentary flavour, which brings it absolutely -up to date. - - * * * - -But what a noble example it is! Henceforward, for instance, if it -should ever fall to my lot to write about HENRY THE EIGHTH of England, -I shall feel a mere fool if I state that he married seven wives. No, -no. A British monarch, celebrated in the books of the historians as -the Eighth, and hitherto the last of his name, is reported, on -the authority of the Ecclesiastical registers of his time, to have -entertained so warm and overpowering an affection for the connubial -condition commonly known as matrimony, as to have entered into it with -a comparatively light heart on as many occasions as would equal the -sum total of predecessors bearing his name who have supported the -burden of the crown of these realms. For a very slight increase of -salary I am prepared to double the length of this sentence without -adding a single fact to it. - - * * * - -Here, too, is a delightful extract from a gorgeously illustrated -volume issued by a firm of house-agents in praise of what they very -properly term "an imposing structure in red brick." "It is difficult," -they declare (and after reading their description one can well believe -it) "to conceive a more replete Town Mansion, embodying such artistic -and delicate schemes of decoration, one where wealth has wrought such -a revelation of harmonious and fitly fitments, or where the studious -consideration of the minutest detail contributing to health, enjoyment -and comfort has been more completely manifested. This, combined with -its advantageous position removed from any main thoroughfare with its -accompanying turmoil, renders it a perfect dwelling and an idealistic -London Home." - - No more by White Star or by Guion - I leave my native land to roam. - I've purchased and I occupy an - Idealistic London Home. - - Last year my London I to quit meant; - But now, with all an owner's pride, - I gaze upon each fitly fitment, - And, lo, desire for flight has died. - - Place me where schemes of decoration - Give both to Art and Health increase, - Where Wealth has wrought a Revelation-- - I ask no more, I rest in peace. - - * * * - -Next let us contemplate a pure gem of descriptive English from a -sporting contemporary. It occurs in an account of the athletic contest -between Cambridge University and the United Hospitals:-- - - Scarcely a cloud flecked the blue heaven yesterday afternoon, - and a dazzling sky burnished the Stamford Bridge grounds into - an acre of reflected sunshine. What a pleasant spot the tryst - of the premier athletic club on which to hold athletic revels! - It was not to be expected that the people would show a front - at the carnival. So much to do nowadays, what with cycling at - Hurlingham, and the Beauty wheel show on the Row in Battersea - Park. Equal to the occasion though proved many English girls, - and it was pleasing indeed to note their presence in the - pavilion and enclosures. Bold as Britannia as a rule in this, - the nineteenth century. And don't forget this, innocent as - a posy all the while.... Think of this now. W. MENDLESON - (C.U.A.C.), but by birth a New Zealander, figuratively - speaking, gazed on the ruins (long jump ruins, of course) of - Britishers at Stamford Bridge. It was with a quickened pulse - that one watched the Hurdle Race. 'Pon our soul 'twas a - difficult problem to solve a few steps from home to tell - which would win, PILKINGTON or LOWE. The flag went up for the - visitor from the banks of the Cam. Nevertheless, no one can - assert but that the medical banner remained hoisted at the - truck in honour of their representatives. Gallant seconds!... - Of course H. A. MUNRO gave us a taste of his quality in the - Three Miles. Verily he ran as though able to keep up pacing - from sunrise to sunset. 'Twas a glorious victory that - he gained. Neither must the plucky bid made by HORAN be - forgotten. Ah! if he had only been MUNRO! But he wasn't, so - there was no use in thinking about that. - -How melancholy are these might-have-beens. If NAPOLEON had only been -WELLINGTON. But he wasn't. So there was no use in thinking about that. - - * * * - -HENLEY Regatta, I understand, is to be an international festival -this year. A Dutch crew has entered for the Thames Cup, but it is not -stated that they carry a broom in their bows. Nor is it to be inferred -that they will make a clean sweep of the prize. Besides many English -crews they will meet a crew from France. Then from Toronto come four -Argonauts sailing not for the Golden Fleece, but for the Stewards' -Challenge Cap; and from Ithaca, N.Y., eight modern Trojans, -undergraduates of Cornell University, have set out intent on the -capture of the Grand Challenge Cup. To all of them _Mr. Punch_ extends -the right hand of good fellowship, though, being British to the -backbone, he cannot wish for their triumph over his own gallant -oarsmen. And amongst these he especially welcomes Mr. C. W. KENT, the -Hero of Leander, who, having four times stroked his crew to victory, -is once more seated on the slide of honour to defend possession of the -Grand,--KENT, the pride of joyous Moulsey, whom at his birth the -Fates endowed with the triple gifts of cunning, resource and courage, -bidding him wield an indomitable oar in undefeated crews. As when -a fox, emerging from the tangled covert----But I cannot pursue the -Virgilian method any further. Let the event next week speak for -itself. Here's luck all round, and may the best crew be an English -one. In any case, may the best crew win. - - * * * - -The gentlemen from Cornell have brought over with them, in addition to -their boats and oars, a terrible battle-cry, "Cornell, yell, yell, I -yell Cornell." Manifestly the members of the London Rowing Club cannot -model themselves on this, for to cry, "London, done, done, I'm done, -London" would, I trust, be as inappropriate as it would certainly be -discouraging. - - * * * - -My recent investigations into the condition of some of our great -provincial cities lead me to the depressing belief that something is -always wrong with some of their streets. Here, for instance, is "NEMO" -writing to the _Manchester Guardian_ to complain that "on Saturday -evening the Bury New Road was filthy, whilst the odour was equal to -that of the Ship Canal, but different. Formerly there seemed to be an -effort made to have the road brushed up on Friday ready for Saturday -and Sunday, when thousands of well-dressed and happy people--Jew and -Gentile--promenade it on their way to breezy Kersal Moor." But why, -may I ask, should there be no well-dressed and happy Christians -promenading on their way to Kersal Moor? It may be that they have -followed "our local representatives," who, "NEMO" suggests, "are -enjoying their holidays, or are immersed in golf," which I take to be -a delicate euphemism for bunkered. - - * * * * * - -A LATE-AT-NIGHT RIDDLE.--_Q._ Why is it probable that the supper -provided by the Royal Academicians for their guests at their _soirée_ -would be chiefly or entirely vegetarian? _A._ Because all the dishes -are "R. A. dishes." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE TRUE TEST. - -_First Screever_ (_stopping before a Pastel in a Picture-dealer's -window_). "'ULLO 'ERBERT, LOOK 'ERE! CHALKS!" - -_Second Screever._ "AH, VERY TRICKY, I DESSAY. BUT YOU SET THAT CHAP -ON THE PIVEMENT ALONGSIDE O' YOU AN' ME, TO DROR 'ARF A SALMON AN' A -NEMPTY 'AT, AN' WHERE 'UD 'E BE?" - -_First Screever._ "AH!" - - [_Exeunt ambo._ -] - - * * * * * - -SCRAPS FROM CHAPS. - -Is it well to temper justice with jokes? This important question has -been settled in the affirmative in many courts of law, but it has -been left for his Honour, Judge EDGE, to use his own name (instead of -somebody else's) in the playful manner requisite to excite "laughter -in the Court." A solicitor recently took upon himself to argue with -his Honour in the Plymouth County Court a question of costs in respect -of a case heard some months since. He conducted his argument with -much warmth and inaccuracy. This combination of bad law and bad temper -enabled the Judge to score an easy victory. "Stand down," said his -Honour; "if you play with edged tools you must pay for it." Thus -triumphed the Law and the Judge, and once more "unquenchable laughter -arose amongst the blessed gods" up in the gallery. - - * * * * * - -The British earthquake has been sadly neglected. Therefore Mr. CHARLES -DAVISON, M.A., F.G.S., of Birmingham, is writing a _History of the -British Earthquakes of the Nineteenth Century_. With a view to add to -the completeness of this work, he has appealed to the readers of the -_Western Daily Mercury_ for "notices of British earthquakes, either -past or future, of any kind and from any place whatever." He specially -desires to become acquainted with earthquakes "of which descriptions -appear in the local press, or entries are made in private diaries." -All local papers should at once start a special earthquake -column--"Earthquakes Day by Day," or "Yesterday's Earthquakes"--and -writers of diaries would do well to dive into the past. There are so -many remarkable phenomena not otherwise recorded. Here is one. "Dined -with BROWN last night. Insisted on walking home, instead of taking -BROWN'S advice and a cab. Had not gone far when strange thing -happened. Pavement suddenly upheaved and hit me violent blow on -forehead. Fell prostrate. Taken home in dazed condition by friendly -policeman. No time to observe affect of earthquake on adjoining -houses. Shock very short, but exceedingly severe. In bed all -day. Large bruise on forehead. Headache, &c." There must be many -interesting entries of this kind in diaries which will afford valuable -material for Mr. DAVISON'S work. As to "notice of future earthquakes," -which he requests, perhaps the Meteorological Office, the Geological -Society and Zadkiel will kindly oblige with probable dates and other -information. - - * * * * * - -WIZARD AND WITTLES.--Long life to the Glasgow Sir Walter Scott -Club! It "promotes the study of Sir WALTER'S life and writings, and -encourages a more familiar acquaintance with the localities rendered -classic by his pen." Ninety members set off the other day to -Edinburgh, and drove in four-in-hands to the "beechy grove" at -Melville Castle, the Esk and DRUMMOND'S Hawthornden, and then on to -the castle and chapel at Roslin. Lunch at Dalkeith, dinner at the -Balmoral Hotel at Edinburgh, and back rejoicing at eventide to Glasgy, -"after the happiest and most successful excursion in the history of -the club." This is the way to keep up the dignity of literature. Far -better than knighthoods! An excursion "under the presidency of the -genial Sheriff SPENS," too; no Sheriff SAVES _this_ time; and a dinner -at the Balmoral to wind up--it's a Talisman to make the heart of -Midlothian leap up! - - * * * * * - -A MUSICAL TREAT. A PRONOUNCEMENT AND A HINT.--Herr NIKISCH'S -performance is so brilliant, and has so much real fire in it, as to -have given rise to the suggestion that, to express the _diablerie_ of -his effects, both syllables of his name should be short, and that his -style should be henceforward known as the "Old Nickish" manner. When -the chance recurs, go and hear the symphony by TSCHAIKOWSKY. Only be -prepared. To pronounce this name correctly you must take pungent snuff -and sneeze violently while trying to utter the word "Whisky." Take -care to have a medical man ready at hand; also a tailor, with needle, -thread, and buttons. - - * * * * * - -FROM the _South Wales Daily News_:-- - - As Groom, Coachman, or Groom-Gardener, plain; wife good Cook; - or otherwise, if required. Good references. - -"Or otherwise, if required," is delicious. She would be a bad cook or -an indifferent one "if required." So convenient! - - * * * * * - -Half-and-Half. - -(_After Reading some recent Political Speeches._) - - Although in the queer Party story - There's many a turn, and many a twist; - _'Tis_ strange to see JOSEPH half Tory, - And SALISBURY half Socialist! - - * * * * * - -ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. - -EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY M.P. - -[Illustration: Jesse, the Pilot-Engine, clears the Line!] - -_House of Commons, Monday, June 24._--Back to-day from the booming -Baltic to wan Westminster. Given up the company of Kings and Queens -which formed Don CURRIE'S daily fare; descended to level of Commons. -And what a state of things to come back to! Left less than a fortnight -ago, with House in almost comatose state. Even the Busy B's had ceased -to hum. TANNER no longer disturbed at hour of midnight by poignant -curiosity as to when the Dook would retire. SILOMIO, his head bandaged -after latest buffeting by EDWARD GREY and SYDNEY BUXTON, temporarily -silent. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS for awhile content with management of House -by "my right hon. friend the CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER." In a moment, -in the twinkling of ST. JOHN BRODRICK'S eye, crisis and chaos come. -Ministry blown up with charge of cordite, surreptitiously brought in; -concealed under Front Opposition Bench; fired in the dinner hour. - -"Cordite?" said TOMLINSON. "What is this cordite they're all talking -about? Thought it was something they made trousers of." - -"No, no," said Private HANBURY, up in all military matters. "You're -thinking of corduroy." - -House crowded from furthest bench of side galleries to gangway steps -on floor. A buzz of excitement completes fulness of chamber. Only -two empty seats. These on front benches, where SQUIRE OF MALWOOD -and PRINCE ARTHUR were wont to face each other. JOSEPH'S seat below -gangway filled by COURTNEY, who, in honour of occasion, has put on a -white waistcoat and a smile. Wears both throughout proceedings. A loud -cheer welcomes arrival of PRINCE ARTHUR looking graver than usual. -Three minutes later another rings forth, and the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD -enters with slow step and countenance set, suitable to the obsequies -of an assassinated Ministry. JESSE COLLINGS comes in; startled by -cheer from Irish Members. - -"JOE'S not far off," said TIM HEALY, grimly. "In times like these -sends JESSE on ahead, like the pilot-engine that goes before CZAR'S -train. If there were any murderous plot on hand, by JUSTIN MCCARTHY or -any other brigand, the blameless figure of JESSE would be blown into -space, and JOSEPH would proceed on his journey with his hair -unsinged." - -On stroke of half-past three SQUIRE OF MALWOOD made formal -announcement of familiar fact that Government had resigned; THE -MARKISS had been sent for; Ministers kept their places only till their -successors were appointed. - -"I would ask leave to say," the SQUIRE, with unwonted tremor in his -voice, observed, bringing to close his brief, business-like speech, -"that for every man who has taken part in the noble conflict of -Parliamentary life, the chiefest of all ambitions, whether in a -majority or in a minority, must be to stand well with the House of -Commons." - -How in this respect the Leader of the House through two Sessions of -peculiar difficulty stands with both tides, testified to by a ringing -cheer, repeated when PRINCE ARTHUR, who always does these things well, -voiced the common feeling as he recognised in the blushing SQUIRE "one -of the greatest ornaments of this House." - -"That's all very well, TOBY," said the SQUIRE, when I offered him -my congratulations on deliverance from a situation long become -intolerable. "You put it prettily. But I hope the experience of the -last fortnight will be a lesson to you. You hadn't been gone a week -and two days when the cordite bomb was exploded. Never forget what you -must have learned in your nursery kennel: - - When the dog's away, - The rats will play." - -All business set aside. All Bills dropped save Seal Fisheries. This -Cap'en TOMMY BOWLES, master of himself though Ministers fall, proceeds -to discuss as calmly as if nothing had happened. Whilst other Members -already have their eyes on their constituencies and their faces -towards the door, TOMMY, buttonholing Time as it were with his hooked -arm, leisurely discusses the close season for Seal Fishing. - -_Business done._--The Government's. - -_Tuesday._--House met again, expecting further particulars about the -Ministerial crisis. Benches full, but not so crowded as yesterday. -Again the SQUIRE, PRINCE ARTHUR, and JOSEPH absent. The two latter not -expected. When they reappear they will sit side by side on Treasury -Bench. But where was the SQUIRE? - -Preliminary business finished. House waiting for next move. Must be -made by SQUIRE. Where was he? Members tossed about on seats. All -eyes strained towards space behind SPEAKER'S chair, whence Ministers -approaching Treasury Bench emerge. Minutes passed; SQUIRE still -tarried. Horrible rumour that cordite had done fresh stroke of work. -FREDERICK MILNER said he distinctly heard sound of explosion in -neighbourhood of room of Leader of House. Another report was that -SQUIRE had been kidnapped, shipped off to distant colony by direction -of new SECRETARY OF STATE. Whilst probability of these wild guesses -balanced, SQUIRE entered, whole and hale. Had been waiting to hear -from THE MARKISS. Nothing had come, so must adjourn. - -_Business done._--House adjourned. - -[Illustration: THEIR NEW SUITS. - -_Admiral G-sch-n._ "Oh, I say, Joey old man, what a comical costume! -It does make me laugh!" - -_Colonial Ch-mb-rl-n._ "Well, hang it, Jokey old boy, _you_ can't say -much!"] - -_Wednesday._--All settled: SQUIRE announces that MARKISS has -undertaken to form new Ministry. Writs moved for elections to fill -vacancies consequent on acceptance of office. Amongst them West -Birmingham, JOSEPH having undertaken to care for the Colonies. -Prospect of "Our JOE," as SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE affectionately -calls him, sitting in Cabinet Council with THE MARKISS, strangely -moves House. Irish Members in particular give vent to feelings in -cries that forebode lively times for new Minister. - -House lost crowded appearance of earlier days of week. Interest -already transferred to constituencies. GORST among absentees. SARK -looking for him everywhere. Been reading article in magazine where -GORST writes:--"A lady resident in East London informed me that she -once knew a man who was attending fourteen doctors at the same time. -The man died." - -SARK wants to know what was the matter with the doctors? Why the man -was attending them? And whether this is cited as case of overwork, or -of death resulting from infectious disease? - -The worst of SARK is that his curiosity is almost feminine in its -intensity. - -_Business done._--Foundation stones of new Ministry laid. - -[Illustration: Cap'en Tommy Casabianca Bowles.] - -_House of Lords, Thursday._--Quite a crowded House. THE MARKISS, not -seen in his place since he became Prime Minister, now there faced by -ROSEBERY. Large attendance and eager interest explained by attempt to -purloin Seals of SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR. In dim and distant future -this likely to rank with the Diamond Necklace Affair. SARK, who has -been reading Radical newspapers on incident, tells me all about it. - -As soon as Vote of Censure passed on CAWMELL-BANNERMAN, MARKISS became -possessed of uncontrollable passion for instant possession of his -seals of office. How was it to be done? CAWMELL a Scotchman; not -easy to get loose property out of his grip. MARKISS, instinct with -influences of spacious times of Queen ELIZABETH, not to be trifled -with. Clapped his hands. Enter faithful henchman, one SCHOMBERG. A -stoutly-built man of herculean strength, bowed legs, grizzled beard, -short thick hair like hand-spikes standing up above pair of ears -resembling nothing so much as Tower Bridge when, in opening, either -flap stands out at angle of forty-five degrees. A certain piquancy -given to his features by front tooth protruding like tusk of wild -boar. - -"SCHOMBERG," said THE MARKISS, hoarsely, "I want CAWMELL-BANNERMAN'S -Seals. His address is 6, Grosvenor Place, S.W. He comes home late, -with a latch-key. Take twenty stout fellows, as like yourself as the -country produces. Await his coming. Take the Seals. If he resists, a -slit weasand will scarcely be noticed in a population of (according to -the last census) 4,349,166. _But bring the Seals._" - -That is SARK'S idea of the episode after reading the papers. THE -MARKISS'S version differs in some details. - - -_Business done._--THE MARKISS, challenged by ROSEBERY, says new -Ministry have no policy at present. However, since ROSEBERY seems -anxious on point, will send over to WHITELEY'S and see what can be -done. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SUNDERED LIVES. - -_Bertie._ "I THOUGHT YOU TWO NEVER MET WITHOUT KISSING. ANYTHING THE -MATTER? THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER?" - -_Muriel._ "NO, YOU SILLY! HATS!"] - - * * * * * - -A DISCOVERY IN LIQUEURS. - -SIR,--You remember _Mr. Squeers's_ system of theoretical and practical -teaching, "'_W-i-n-d-e-r-s_.' Go and clean 'em"? Of course you do; and -if the quotation is not letter perfect, it is its "spirit," which is -more suited to my present theme, at all events. Well, Sir, "them's -my principles." Accordingly, after reading your advice as to taking a -Summer Sunday trip to Calais and back by _Calais-Doûvres_, or one of -the large boats in L. C. and D. service, I acted upon it, and went. -The _trajet_ was simply perfect! Such weather! Sea so calm! Breeze -refreshing! Company distinguished! Commander WATTELBLED, and First -Lieutenant CARINI, with all hands, waiting to give us (at a price as -fair and moderate as the Channel breeze on this occasion) excellent -refreshment. But to sing their praise is not my point; they do their -duty, and pay it too, as we _voyageurs_ have to do, on cigars, -teas, and tobacco. I had time to refer to hotel's list of wines and -liqueurs, and among the latter there appeared a name which brought -tears to the eyes of the wanderer far from his English home; and that -name, Sir, coming after "Kümmel, and Marasquin, and Whisky," was "_Old -Tom-Gim_"--"Tom Gi_m_" with an "m." How far superior to "Gin" with an -"n." It brought to mind early days of catechism, "_M. or N., as the -case may be_." This was a case of liqueurs. How preferable the soft -liquid "_m_" to the less soft "_n_" in making "_Gin_" into "_Gim_"! -And how much one would like to alter the spelling, and make it "_Old -Tom Jim_." Would he not be seized upon by a French librettist as the -very name, _par excellence_, for a typical Ancient English Mariner in -an opera? Don't you see it? "_Capitaine_ John Smith; _First Mate_ Old -Tom Jim" with song (nautical). _Vive_ Gim! Now, with my discovery, -I regain the good ship, and, once aboard the lugger ... by the way, -there is an eighteen-penny tax now levied by the French on those who -land at Calais. "_Happy Thought._ Don't land." But, _Unhappy Thought_, -if we don't land in the _pas-de-Calais_, the result will be _pas de -déjeuner_. So--"bang goes sax-pence," for "We don't kill a pig every -week." - - Yours, - THOMAS LE VIEUX. - -P.S.--And another one-and-sixpence extra on landing at Dover! All the -"fun of the fare," eh? - - * * * * * - - - - -Transcriber's Note - - -= = represents Old English font. - -Page 12: 'Cawmel-Bannerman' corrected to 'Cawmell-Bannerman' (a.k.a. -Campbell-Bannerman, Sir Henry (1836-1908), Scottish statesman, M.P.) - -"SCHOMBERG," said THE MARKISS, hoarsely, "I want CAWMELL-BANNERMAN'S -Seals." - - * * * * * - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. -109, July 6, 1895, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JULY 6, 1895 *** - -***** This file should be named 44953-8.txt or 44953-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/9/5/44953/ - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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