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diff --git a/44953-0.txt b/44953-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5a28efe --- /dev/null +++ b/44953-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1441 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44953 *** + +[Illustration: PUNCH VOL CIX] + + LONDON: + + PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, + + AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. + + 1895. + + + + + LONDON: + BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS. + + * * * * * + + PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOL. 109. + + DECEMBER 28, 1895. + + + + +[Illustration: PREFACE] + +A COLLOQUY IN CLOUDLAND. + + SCENE--_Cloudland, nigh to midnight of the last day of the Old + Year. The Incomparable Sage of Fleet Street and "La Mancha's + Matchless Knight" mounted on their respective wooden horses._ + +_Mr. Punch_ (_spurring the Spotted One_). Yoicks! Tallyho!! Hark +forward!!! Something like space-consuming speed this, eh, my dear Don? +Who talks now of a Horseless Age? + +_Don Quixote_ (_turning the peg of Malambruno's magic steed_). Only +your scientific and sensational journals, who, dryasdust dogs! are, +after all, endless leagues behind Merlin the Enchanter, and the +magic-aided heroes of old romance. + +_Mr. Punch._ Kim up, my timber-built timber-topper, and spotted +space-devourer! As though the much-talked of motor-carriage, +auto-cycle, or petroleum-propelled tram-car of these mouthing days of +modernity might compare with the Trifaldi's steed, my spotted Pegasus, +or even the peripatetic carpet of Persian story! Speed you well, +valorous knight! + +_Don Quixote._ Heaven guide thee, undaunted Sage! Hah! How you fly +aloft! How you cut the air more swiftly than an arrow!! How you mount, +and soar, and astonish the world below!!! + +_Mr. Punch._ Haha! Ours is no imaginary, bellows-blown flight, as was +yours, worthy knight, when seated with SANCHO on the wooden crupper of +Clavileno, pressed aforetime by the valourous PETER of Provence, and +the fair MAGALONA! + +_Don Quixote._ Nay, indeed, Sir Knight of the Spotted Bucephalus--for +thou art no chivalry-scorning TRIFALDI--we are not now blindfolded, +and _thy_ Pegasus, _thy_ Brilladoro, _thy_ Bayarte, _thy_ Frontino, +_thy_ Clavileno el Aligero--or Wooden-Peg the Winged--might give a +lead even to my renowned Rosinante! + +_Mr. Punch._ Blindfolded? Nay, dear knight, I am the Dazzling +Illuminator, not the Bewildering Blinder! + +_Don Quixote._ I plainly perceive that thou art a Progressive. + +_Mr. Punch._ I am a Progressive Moderate and a Moderate Progressive. +Badge me not therefore in any less comprehensive fashion, O Knight of +the Rueful Countenance. + +_Don Quixote._ I presume, Sir Sage, that those same Progressives, +however, who claim to initiate all the forthright movement of the Age, +did originate and invent the motor-carriages, auto-cycles, and other +the horseless locomotive vehicles of which we spake but now? + +_Mr. Punch._ Who better than yourself should know, my dear Don, that +all are not Progressives who make a stir about Progress? Like the +circumgyrators in the game of "Giant's Stride," many of them ramp +round in a circle, and "get no forrader." _I_ am the only true and +trustworthy Progressive, and my auto-motor cuts _all_ records! + +_Don Quixote._ And is it propelled by petroleum? + +_Mr. Punch._ By nothing so crude, flaring, and fuliginous, dear Don. +It is "motived" by--LIGHT! + +_Don Quixote._ Wondrous machine! How would I like to mount it! Is it +in likeness of a horse? + +_Mr. Punch._ Say not the witlings and wiseacres that we are on the +verge of a Horseless Age? + +_Don Quixote._ They do. But, by the bones of my beloved Rosinante, the +idea liketh me not. The horse is indeed a noble animal---- + +_Mr. Punch._ And will continue to be "useful to man," our current +cyclo-and-auto-motormania notwithstanding. The cycle doubtless hath +its utility, and even charm, though in certain of its characteristics +it seems qualified to give mankind the hump! + +_Don Quixote._ And womankind the wobbles! + +_Mr. Punch._ + + When lovely woman stoops to wheeling, + And finds too late that bikes betray, + Beauty, and grace, and finer feeling + She'll see the sex hath chucked away! + +_Don Quixote._ Verily, had my peerless DULCINEA herself bestraddled a +spinning-wheel in ungraceful posture and unseemly garb, I, her sworn +knight, should have deemed her the victim of diabolic enchantment. +Why, even the afflicted duenna, with her fair cheeks beard-begrown by +enchantment, she whom SANCHO called the Countess Three-Skirts, would +not--save under dire compulsion--have donned the modern divided skirt +and mounted the man-saddled steed of steel. Art sure, Sir Sage, +that after all it is _not_ enchantment that hath so far unsexed your +afflicted damosels and duennas, and that 'tis not my duty in their +defence to lay lance in rest---- + +_Mr. Punch._ Nay, sweet soul of chivalry, Mayfair is not La Mancha, +and you may safely leave its fair denizens to the defence--or, if need +be, chastening--of that knightly lance of to-day, my own invincible +and unerring _bâton_. But, verily, 'twere a punishment not +ill-deserved by certain of our mannish maidens and male-mimicking +matrons did MALAMBRUNO clap bristly scrubbing-brush hairs upon them as +upon your distressful Duenna of Toledo. + +_Don Quixote._ Verily, Sir Sage, we are mounting skyward, dawn-ward, +New Year-ward in a wondrous manner! Thy spotted steed is surely +Pegasus itself, for Skyworld is full of myriad voices of wisdom and +melody. + +_Mr. Punch._ But my Auto-Motor, comparable only with the Sun God's +glowing chariot, shall outsoar and outshine even our present empyrean +flight. + +_Voice_ (_suddenly sounding behind them_). Wuff! Wuff! Wuff! + +_Don Quixote_ (_looking round_). Saints preserve us! What is this new +marvellous enchantment? Hath Sirius itself broken loose?--doth the Dog +Star follow our trail? + +_Mr. Punch._ What seest thou, Sir Knight? + +_Don Quixote_ (_with awe_). I behold, as it were, an aerial +fire-wheeled car, shapen in the guise of a Titanic Tome, coruscating +comet-like in its career, whereon is mounted--yes, verily--a Dog--a +Dog of Dogs! What, Sir PUNCH, may be this portent? + +_Mr. Punch._ Why, my dear DON QUIXOTE--who seems scarcely the Quixote +Quicksight of the nursery rhyme--what _should_ it be but TOBIAS +himself with that promised specimen of my Auroral Autocar, or +Mirific Motor-Carriage, self-impelled, self-steered, self-lighted, +self-heated, the most peerless outcome of the true Progressive spirit, +the true acme of sure and speedy Progress; in other words, dear Don, +and at your entire service, my + + =One Hundred and Ninth Volume!!!= + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + + PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + Volume 109, July 6, 1895. + + _edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + + + +[Illustration: VOL 109] + + * * * * * + +A PATH OF PEACE. + +(_The Baltic Canal, June 22, 1895._) + +["Peace reigns over the whole fleet," &c.--_"Daily News" Special._] + + A work of Peace, whereto from near and far + Gather the iron-bosomed brood of war, + Like new Stymphalian birds, whose claws and wings + The warrior welcomes and the poet sings. + Oh, gentle Peace, how strange in our strange day. + Thy mailèd retinue, thine armed array! + Those flower-deck'd obelisks, that silken rope,-- + Bright illustrations of the Tales of Hope,-- + The royal speeches and the loyal cheers, + Disguise misgivings as they silence fears. + But Denmark's memories, and the thoughts of France, + As through the stream that yacht's white bows advance, + Breaking that slender cord from bank to bank, + Might move reflections strange. Yet let us thank + Adventurous skill which gives our ships to-day + A shorter passage and a safer way! + Not war alone, but trade, will take the track + That shuns the wild and stormy Skager Rak; + And may Brunsbüttel's now familiar name + Be little linked with Empire's big War-Game + May battle-echoes in the Baltic cease, + And the Canal be a new Path for Peace + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Our B. A. (_i.e._, "Baron's Assistant") begs to congratulate Mr. +GERALD CAMPBELL very heartily on the success of _The Joneses and +the Asterisks_ (JOHN LANE). It is no easy task to write a story in a +series of what may be called monological dialogues,--dialogues, +that is to say, in which only one party speaks while the rest are +understood,--and yet to keep that lightness of touch and that sparkle +of wit without which dialogues become mere barren boredom. This is the +task that Mr. CAMPBELL has brilliantly accomplished. _The Joneses and +the Asterisks_ is as keen and telling a piece of social satire as it +has been the B. A.'s good fortune to come across for many a long day. + +Thursday. June 27, Mid-day. The Baron opens ventilators, doors, +windows. Then, at haphazard, he takes up a book. Its title, _What is +heat?_... Answer immediately given by thermometer, "95° in the shade." +That's heat! And if that isn't, what is? The second title of book is, +_A Peep into Nature's Most Hidden Secrets_. But the Baron is not _Paul +Pry_; he doesn't want to peep; at all events he cannot undertake +any exertion until about November, say, when he will be delighted +to peruse the work of Mr. FREDERICK HOVENDEN, F.L.S., F.G.S., +F.R.M.S.,--"Three single Fellows rolled into one." "Let me descend +to the ice-cellar, or in cool grot let me sit, with a soothing iced +beverage and a choice Havannah; let me read there _About the North +Pole_, and _Gunter's Tales of Ices_," quoth the + + BURDENED BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +SHAKSPEARE ON THE SITUATION. + + _Caius Marcius Coriolanus_ MR. CH-MB-RL-N. + _Tullus Aufidius_ L-RD S-L-SB-RY. + +_Act IV., Sc. 4. Antium_ (_Downing Street_). _Before Aufidius's +House._ + + _Cor._ O world, thy slippery turns! Friends now fast sworn, + Whose double bosoms seem to wear one heart, + Whose hours, whose bed, whose meals, and exercise, + Are still together, who twin, as 'twere, in love + Unseparable, should, within this hour, + On the dissension of a doit, break out + To bitterest enmity: so, fellest foes, + Whose passions and whose plots have broke their sleep, + To take the one the other, by some chance, + Some trick, not worth an egg, shall grow dear friends, + And interjoin their issues. So with me: + My birth-place hate I, and my love's upon + This enemy town. * * * * + + _Auf._ (_entering, Sc. 5_). Say, what's thy name? + + _Cor._ My name is CAIUS MARCIUS, who hath done, + To thee particularly, and all the VOLCES, + Great hurt and mischief.... Now, this extremity, + Hath brought me to thy hearth. + + _Auf._ O MARCIUS, MARCIUS! + Each word thou has spoken hath weeded from my heart + A root of ancient envy. If Jupiter + Should from yond' cloud speak divine things, + And say, "'Tis true," I'd not believe them more + Than thee, all noble MARCIUS.--Let me twine + Mine arms about that body, where against + My grainèd ash a hundred times hath broke. + .... I do contest + As hotly and as nobly with thy love + As ever in ambitious strength I did + Contend against thy valour.... Why, thou Mars! I tell thee + We have a power on foot.... O, come, go in, + And take our friendly senators by the hands.... + + _Cor._ You bless me, gods! + + _Auf._ Therefore, most absolute Sir, if thou wilt have + The leading of thine own revenges, take + The one half of my commission. But come in: + Let me commend thee first to those that shall + Say "Yea" to thy desires. A thousand welcomes + And more a friend than e'er an enemy; + Yet, MARCIUS, that was much. Your hand! most welcome! + + [_Exeunt_ CORIOLANUS _and_ AUFIDIUS. + + * * * * * + +TOBY'S MEM.--_Wednesday, July 3._--"Dog Days begin." Go down to coast. +"My bark is on the sea!" Avoid going south for fear of the Muzzle-man. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN THE SHADE. + +_Lord R-s-b-ry._ "WHO'D BE A MINISTER?" + +_Sir W. V. H-rc-rt._ "WHO, INDEED? WHY I WOULDN'T DO IT IF _THEY +ASKED_ ME!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOW ROMANTIC! + +_She._ "I SAY, _THIS_ IS PRETTY AWFUL! POOR LITTLE MISS MESSUP!--IT +SAYS HERE THAT 'SHORTLY AFTER THE WEDDING SHE DISCOVERED HE WASN'T +REALLY A BARON!'" + +_He._ "WELL. THINK OF THE POOR JOHNNY WHEN _HE_ FOUND OUT SHE WASN'T +REALLY AN HEIRESS!"] + + * * * * * + +THE CANDIDATE'S VADE MECUM. + +_Question._ Why do you desire to enter the House of Commons? + +_Answer._ Because, if I am honoured by my fellow-men by being chosen +to represent them, it is my ambition to serve them faithfully and +maintain in all its glorious integrity the time-honoured heritage of +this mighty empire. + +_Q._ Yes, so you have said in your address to the electors; but have +you no other reason for wishing to occupy a seat in Parliament? + +_A._ Certainly. The prestige bestowed by the letters "M.P." is +pleasing, and if the honour ultimately culminates in a baronetcy or a +knighthood the distinction will be gratifying to my wife. + +_Q._ Then you would not be adverse to receiving promotion in the line +to which you have referred? + +_A._ No; because I should consider that I acted merely as a trustee to +my constituents--that I, in fact, appeared in the character of their +personal representative. + +_Q._ Yes, you said something of the sort the other evening at a +canvassing meeting in reply to a question put to you by one of your +voters; but surely the decoration would be desirable for some other +consideration? + +_A._ It undoubtedly would have a certain market value in the City in +the eyes of promoters of public companies of limited liability. + +_Q._ What measures have you taken to secure election beyond issuing +the very admirable address to which I have, more than once, referred? + +_A._ For the last two or three years I have assiduously nursed the +constituency. + +_Q._ What do you mean by nursing a constituency? + +_A._ Obtaining a stake in the shape of land and a house in +the division, and making myself generally popular amongst my +fellow-ratepayers. + +_Q._ How can you become popular? + +_A._ By subscribing largely to local charities and institutions, +laying foundation stones, and opening fancy bazaars with untiring +energy. + +_Q._ What considerations weigh with you when you are invited to add +your name to a subscription-list? + +_A._ I take care to make the sum I give a little larger than that +contributed by my opponent, and take it as a general rule that lawn +tennis is of more importance than dispensaries, and polo, from a +benevolent point of view, takes precedence of associations established +to relieve dire distress. + +_Q._ Is there any other method which may be adopted with advantage by +those desirous of nursing a constituency? + +_A._ Speaking frequently in assembly rooms, taking nursery gardens for +the same purpose, and generally improving trade in the neighbourhood. + +_Q._ Then the money paid for the hirings to which you refer is +commercially popular? + +_A._ It is, and (joined of course to the eloquence of my friends and +myself) should distinctly influence the election. + +_Q._ And should you be elected, what do you suppose you will have to +do? + +_A._ To thoroughly enjoy the honour of being able to treat the House +of Commons as a club, and being asked by the leaders of my Party +to all their entertainments. I shall see my name in every newspaper +report when I have happened to take part in a popular function. I +shall find that I have mounted the social ladder by leaps and bounds, +and be able to pleasurably patronise or cut direct those who now +become my inferiors. + +_Q._ And what consideration will support you in your general +demeanour? + +_A._ The conviction that all I do, and have done, is and has been +actuated by the purest patriotism. + + * * * * * + +"DALY NEWS! SPECIAL!" + +Once again we welcome the return of Miss ADA REHAN, with JAMES LEWIS +the Lively, and Mrs. GILBERT the Good, to DALY'S, in Leicester Square. +But so short is their season, and so many are the pieces +announced, that to take more than a snap-shot at any one of them is +impracticable, seeing that the Daly changes are weekly. Ere anyone +sees these lines AUGUSTIN DALY'S train of thought will have passed +over, and beyond them. _The Railroad of Love_ will have served its +purpose, and become a siding. _Two Gentlemen of Verona_ will be +travelling first-class on Shakspearian main line leading to _Midsummer +Night's Dream_, which, with its fairy revels and its music, will +represent the terminus of this short journey. When will DALY & CO. +come to stay? + + * * * * * + +THE SOMALIS AT SYDENHAM. + +IN THE STABLES. + +_Miss Simplicia Simpson_ (_looking at the native saddles on +brackets_). I suppose those are what they put on the ostriches! + +_Her Companion._ They don't _ride_ ostriches. + +_Miss Simpson_ (_in a tone of pity and reproof_). That only shows +you've never read your _Swiss Family Robinson!_ + +_A Gobe-mouche._ Well, I never see a white lamb with a black 'ed +before; that _is_ a curiosity, ain't it'? + +_His Phlegmatic Friend._ Not arf such a curiosity as if it 'ad 'ad a +black 'ed be'ind. + +_A Censorious Lady_ (_before a row of baby elephants_). Oh, _aren't_ +they horrid! Look at their horrid little eyes. (_As one of them +protrudes a predatory trunk._) Oh, get away, _do!_ They are _the_ most +hideous creatures I've _ever_ seen! _Look_ at that one, all wrinkled +and baggy like an old man. See, it's wagging its head about like a +Chinese doll! I do think they're _quite_ loathsome, don't you? + +_Her Companion_ (_a more Tolerant Person_). I daresay they would'nt +look so bad if they were varnished up a bit. + +IN THE OSTRICH FARM. + +_The Keeper_ (_who apparently considers his Show as moral as_ +ARTEMUS WARD'S--_to the Public generally_). I've came over here From +California, whose golden waters kiss The mouth of her Sunny Sands, and +where there air strawberries all the year round. On the farm where I +live there were only fourteen days in all of lasst year when we had no +strawberries. The most Glorious climate In the World; and, if anyone +don't believe it, all they've got to _do_ is to die; and then, if +they've been good, they'll go there, and find out for themselves. I'm +not under Con-tràct To say a single word here, but I want to talk to +you about these birds, because they're generally misunderstood. They +walk en-tirely From the Toe, which gives them the graceful, springy +action you see. They air all named after the greatest people now +living on airth. This one close to the rails is called JIM BLAKE. Mark +well the Peculiarities, Life, Habits, _and_ Characteristics of the +Ostrich, and you will all of you go away And lead A moral life. The +only absolootly Purrfect Being on This ole Universe is the bird now +passing in front of me. Her name is GAIL HAMILTON, and She has The +Smallest Feet of anyone here present, _and_ the Smallest Head. She has +only one ounce of brains inside of it, and that is Sufficient for her +requirements, and nobody would have any use for more if they did not +suffer From swelled heads.... Yes, little girl, you're purrfectly +right--the ostrich _does_ run zig-zag, which is A Fact that is +Unknown to many Scientific men. The kick of the ostrich is as quick as +lightning--_quicker_ 'n lightning, be-cause you can see lightning, but +you _cann't_ see an ostrich's kick, which is four kicks to the second, +and kills a man every time. At certain seasons it is Impossible to go +among these birds except On horseback, and pro-vided with a stout pole +with a fork at the end for Self-defence. All of these birds are here +on Sale, and there is a large demand for them for Gentlemen's Parks +and Country seats. + +_A Suburban Humourist_ (_to his_ Wife). What d'ye say to gettin' a +pair on 'em fur our back-yard, eh? + +_His Wife._ 'Ow you _do_ tork, 'ENERY! 'Oo do _you_ suppose is goin' +to 'ang the washing out with two o' them great houtlandish beasts +lolloping around? Not _me_, and so I _tell_ yer. I've enough work on +_my_ 'ands without no austridges! + + [_She fans herself violently with her programme, and_ 'ENERY + _is reduced to explain that his suggestion was not seriously + intended._ + +IN THE STANDS--DURING THE NATIVE DISPLAY. + +_Mrs. Keyveve_ (_to her brother_, Mr. FREDERICK FRIVELL, _as the +Somalis are performing a marriage dance_). It seems a curious kind of +wedding, doesn't it, FRED? Can you make out which are the bride and +bridegroom? + +_Mr. Frivell._ Fancy that's the bride in red cotton, with her hair +down, prancing with maidenly gaiety between the first bridesmaid and +the best man, while the bridegroom, becomingly draped in a bath-towel, +may be observed capering up and down clapping hands with the +officiating clergy. A simple but impressive ceremony. + +_Mrs. Keyveve._ Very. I wonder if they get any wedding presents. + +_Mr. Frivell._ Rather. The sportsman in the rusty wig gave 'em +BROWNING'S poems and an afternoon tea-kettle, and the Johnny with +the feathers in his wool presented her with a dressing-bag. The +photo-frames, card-cases and carriage-clocks are all laid out in one +of the huts, according to the savage custom of the country, guarded +by a detective in the disguise of a wedding guest, armed with poisoned +spears. + +_Mrs. Keyveve._ How silly you are! Look, they're rolling along a +great wicker-basket. What _can_ they have in it--the bride's luggage, +perhaps?... Why, it's an enormous snake! See, it's crawling out! + +_Mr. Frivell._ It's the bride's going-away dress, that's all. Someone +ought to tell her that boas aren't worn this season, though. + +_'Arriet_ (_in the Sixpenny Promenade, to_ 'ARRY). What are they +miking all that row about--are they supposed to be _torking_, or what? + +_'Arry_ (_vaguely_). I expect they're declarin' war--against +_somebody_ or other. + +_'Arriet_ (_reflectively_). I wonder if that little bit of 'air +stickin' up grows out of that feller's 'ed like that. Look at all them +little nippers runnin' about--(_with an air of discovery_)--I expect +they _belong_ to some of 'em. + + [_The Somalis perform a war-dance, which seems to consist in + squatting down opposite one another in a double row, chanting + "Razza-Ho! Ho-hoâ-ho-ho!" or words to that effect, while two + of the party dodge between the ranks and cluck like poultry, + after which all rise, knock their wooden shields together + until they lose further interest in the affair, and stroll + away satiated._ + +_Mrs. Keyveve._ Is that really their war-dance? It's very much the +same as the _marriage_ dance, isn't it? + +_Mr. Frivell_ (_a contented bachelor_). Yes; subtle beggars, these +Somalis. + +_'Arry_ (_during the Sham Fight_). 'Ark at one on 'em 'owlin' +"Oo-oo-oo!" he's took bad _agen_! Good ole Mop 'Ed got one in _that_ +time! "Olla-olla-olla!"--he's sayin' the other bloke 'it 'im on the +jor. + +_'Arriet._ There's one keeps sayin' "Pudd'n" as plain as possible. +There agen--"Pudd'n!" d'jear 'im? They orter bring that young +SHAZARDER chap to see this; he'd feel at _'ome_ 'ere, among all these +Injians, wouldn' 'e? + +_'Arry._ They ain't Injians--they're _Afrikins_, didn't you know +_that_ much? + +_'Arriet._ Oh, you're so partickler, _you_ are! + +_Mrs. Keyveve_ (_during the Dromedary Race_). _How_ seasick one must +feel on those wobbly camels! + +_Mr. Frivell._ The Camel has been beautifully called the "Ship of the +Desert." + +_A Husband_ (_confidentially, to his neighbour_). Yer know, the Missus +ain't _enjoyin'_ all this, _she_ aint--you see. I'll arsk her, and +you 'ear what she sez. (_To his_ "Missus.") 'Ow d'yer _like_ it, eh, +Mother? + +_His "Missus"_ (_with self-repression_). Oh--middlin'. + +_Husband_ (_insistently_). Ah, I know what _that_ means; yer don't +_care_ about it. Now, _do_ yer? + +_His "Missus."_ It's well enough--in its way. (_With irrepressible +candour._) I'd sooner see the Mow'ork Minstruels. + +_Husband_ (_to his neighbour, with a mixture of chagrin and +complacency_). Didn't I _tell_ yer? That's where it is. I don't know a +more severer criteek anywheres than what my ole woman is! + +_Miss Simpson._ Look at those dear ostriches running after one another +and opening their beaks. Now _that_'s not imitation, you know! + +_'Arry_ (_with his characteristic eye for analogy--as the entire +caravan parades past in procession_). There they _are_, yer +see--_Comin' 'Ome from Southend!_ + +[Illustration: "There they _are_, yer see--Comin' 'Ome from +Southend!"] + + * * * * * + +SMALL BY DEGREES AND BEAUTIFULLY LESS.--Our excellent contemporary +the _Northern Whig_ allows a correspondent to call attention to the +nuisance of cycling in Malone Park. Apparently our "fellow-subjects +of the sister kingdom" have followed the lead of "the beginners of +Battersea," and "made themselves a source of annoyance to the majority +of people resident in the locality." If "the nuisance" is permitted, +the correspondent suggests the Park will soon be deserted. When this +happens, the cyclist can appropriately alter his ride (by cutting off +a letter) around Malone to Alone. + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +[Illustration: Zerlina Patti accompanied by her Squire on the +violoncello.] + +Another two "turns" and PATTI is off. Delightful to see and hear her +as _Zerlina_ in immortal Opera _Don Giovanni_. "_Patti Patti_" with +"_Batti Batti_," "_La ci darem_," and all old friends admirably given +and heartily encored. After one of the encores MAGGIE MACINTYRE walks +off suddenly as if in search of lost pocket-handkerchief. In most +serious moments ever a twinkle in MAGGIE'S eye, and twitch at the +corners of MAGGIE'S mouth, as if giving audience clearly to understand +that she is "only purtendin'." + +Second Act. Enter PATTI; sings, pauses; wonders; sings note, like +nightingale summoning mate; pauses; again wonders. "Some one had +blundered!" BEVIGNANI beaming but bothered. "He cometh not," they +said. Exit PATTI, shrugging shoulders. Curtain drops. Very short Act. +Audience, amused, applaud. Curtain up again. BEVIGNANI brightens. +Re-enter PATTI with merry _Masetto_, who privately explains that for +a few moments he had lost his voice and had been looking for it. +Fortunately, voice found; in chest; quite safe. Surely a little +modern dramatic polish might be used to furbish up utterly idiotic +old-fashioned stage-business of this ancient Italian Opera? Eh, Signor +DRURIOLANUS? + +In the trio at end of Act II. somebody got off the line, and audience, +determined that they would be better for a little more practice, +called Ma'am ADINI, Miss MAGGIE, and Master BROZEL before the curtain, +and then made them go through their exercise once more. Nothing like +practice, to make perfect. + +The Statuesque _Commendatore_ to be highly commended as represented +by aristocratic MANNERS. New Italian Opera proverb "Manners makes the +Commendatore." PATTI at premium. Royalty Restored to Box. Brilliant +night. Crammed, jammed house. + +_In Lobby._--Much agitation among ancient Opera-goers on hearing +report that MARIO is to sing here on Saturday afternoon. "MARIO!" they +exclaim; "impossible!" Not at all: it turns out that _this_ "MARIO" is +a character in a new Opera by "ALICK MACLEAN" (pretty name, but nicer +if it were "A WASH MECLEAN"), entitled _Petruccio_ (not SHAKSPEAR'S +_Petruchio_), in which one _Mario_ is "_Elvira's little brother_;" and +so, possibly, he was quite an infant when sister _Elvira_ was cruelly +treated by _Don Giovanni_. Also in this new Opera appears "_Elvira's +mother_." In fact, it is rather lucky for _Don_ that he has gone below +with Stony _Commendatore_ to Stony Stratford, or elsewhere, as +the talented _Elvira_ family, with whom is associated _Rubino_, a +gentleman "formerly betrothed to _Elvira_," would make it rather too +hot for him. + +_Tuesday._--GLÜCK'S _Orfeo_. "Gen'lm'n," if overtaken with wine, as +was _David Copperfield_ on a notable occasion, would say, "G'luck t' +you," that is, could any gentleman in such state be possibly admitted +to Covent Garden, and could dare to address JULIA RAVOGLI, admirable +as _Orfeo_, _Cavalleria_ to follow. + +_Thursday._--Madame SEMBRICH nice as _Violetta Traviata_, "were +t'other dear charmer away!" Very hot night. MANCINELLI must for once +have wished himself a non-conductor? Result, MANCINELLI Melted. + +_Friday._--_Adelina Zerlina Patti-cake_ and the Im-Maurel _Don G._ +Why not in such hot weather give opera with ice in it; PATTI in skates +"_en Patti-neuse_." + +_Saturday._--Welcome to Madame ALBANI, our _Valentine_ in what +WAGSTAFF calls "_Lay Hug-me-nots_." "Not bad title," he explains; +"after crowd of ecclesiastics in swearing scene, pleasing to find +two principal characters are 'lay': not 'lay-figures' but lovers not +permitted by hard Fate either to embrace each other or any opportunity +of eloping together; so '_Hug-me-not_' curiously applicable." So far, +WAGSTAFF. Strong cast this with GIULIA RAVOGLI as _Urbano_ the page of +music, MELBA as _Margherita_ the Queen with the top-notes in her +air; JUPITER-PLANÇON as _Marcel_, TAM AGNO as _Hug-me-not Raoul_, and +ANCONA as _Conte de Nevers-say-die_. Conducting orchestral army to +victory, Marshal MANCINELLI is Merry and Meritorious. + + * * * * * + +THE BOY AND THE BAT. + +["Who may describe a small boy's passion for his bat?"--_Daily News._] + +_Jemmy Bilkins, aged Thirteen-and-a-half, loquitur_:-- + + I've won it, BILL, I've won it! And it's pooty nigh full size! + Leastways, anyhow, it _looks_ it. O, I tell yer, it's a prize. + Yaller-backed, BILL, and cane-'andled, and its got a sort o' feel, + As yer swing it wot reminds yer of a STODDART _or_ a STEEL. + Last Saturday as ever wos I turned out afore six, + And practised in our back yard, wiv three lumps o' deal for + "sticks." + Young POLLY she bowled to me, and I drove 'er, and I cut, + And "swiped over the Pervilion"--which I mean our water-butt. + POLL can do a fair round-armer _for_ a girl and no mistake, + And she'll 'ave you, middle-stumpo, if yer don't look wide awake. + 'Twos the day of our School Match, BILL, and our gaffer, Mister + BLORE, + 'Ad promised a cane-'andler to the boy as made top score. + Oh I tell yer I meant 'aving it, if _practisin'_ would do, + But _my_ bat 'ad split a lump off, and it seemed to 'it askew. + 'Ow _can_ yer "keep a straight bat" when your bat itself aint + straight? + But we did our level best, BILL, me an' POLLY. + At our _fate_ + Out at Petersham I tell you as we done the thing to rights, + None o' yer 'at-an'-coat piles for the wickets, as is sights + A cricketer cocks snooks at, when 'e knows the _real_ game. + No penny injy-rubber and a club! Though, all the same, + Wiv a second-'and stripped tennis-ball, a little on the lop, + Or even a ha'penny woodeny, an' the chump end of a mop, + And my jacket on a stick for stump, I've 'ad a lot of fun, + And wiv such on Gosling Green, BILL, I fust larned to 'it an' run. + But to-day we did it different. Real stumps was pitched O. K., + We'd a scoring-sheet, _and umpire!_ We'd a red new ball to play, + As it seemed a sin to slog at, 'cos it took the pooty out; + But I tell yer we forgot that wiv the fust good 'it and shout. + + Lanky STEVE 'e made that 'it, 'e did. It scooted past long slip, + At forty mile a hour or so. That STEVE _can_ make 'em skip. + He tops me by a 'ed, too, and I feared he'd cop the bun. + Yus, I thought the Bat was his'n when he'd piled up twenty-one! + _I_ wanted fanning, BILLY, when I ups and takes my block, + And the ball came thunderin' at me like a little earthquake shock. + Seemed heverywhere, yet nowhere, if you understand me, BILLY. + And pitched just in that orkud spot as always knocks yer silly. + Coming off the pitch like pickles, as though aiming at yer heye; + But I pulls myself together for a volley, an' let fly. + And fust thing I knowed I heard it busting 'ard agin the fence; + And I felt I'd scored a boundary, and the cheering wos emense. + + Then BILLY I lammed into 'em! They came as easy then + As little POLLY'S easiest lobs. BILLY, they called _hus_ "Men!" + "The next man in wos BILKINS" the reporter sez--that's me!-- + "An' e's a young phernomenon, a infant W. G. + Who piled his quarter-century in fair Doctorial form!"-- + Just fancy! But them scribbling chaps _can_ pile it thick and warm. + I won that Bat 'owever with a score of twenty-five, + And POLLY--in the Press-tent!--wos the 'appiest girl alive + While as for _me!_ O BILLY, when I drawed it from the baize, + Caught the whiff of the fresh willow!--well the world looked all a + haze. + If "the Doctor" feels much 'appier when _his_ Testimonial comes-- + Well, though 'e's the pet of England, me a urchin from the slums, + I jist guess he'll hunderstand me! Ony wish I'd got a bob + To send the _Telygraft_, BILL. I should soon be on the job. + _Ain't_ GRACE a 'Oly Stunner; and the Pride o' the Pervilion? + Well I 'ope 'is Testymonial will run up to a Million!!! + And when _he_ makes his next "Century" may _I_ be there to see!-- + Wich the Master says he'll take me, now I'm called "Young W. G." + + * * * * * + +HOW TO FIX THE HAPPY DAY.--_Q._ When's the best day for a wedding? +_A._ Why, of course, "A _Weddin's day_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNLUCKY SPEECHES. + +_Host._ "YOU'LL HAVE A NICE DRIVE HOME!" + +_Guest._ "YES; THAT'S THE BEST OF IT!"] + + * * * * * + +DRESS À LA PREMIÈRE MODE. + +(_A Dialogue Pastoral and Sartorial._) + + SCENE--_A Boudoir._ PRESENT--_A Lady and her Modiste._ + TIME--_The passing hour._ + +_Modiste._ No, Madame, it is utterly impossible for you to wear silks +and satins. They have quite gone out. + +_Lady._ But hasn't alpaca come in a little? + +_Modiste._ Scarcely. It may be used for divided skirts at Battersea +Park, but it is not really recognised. + +_Lady._ Then what am I to wear? + +_Modiste._ Flowers, Madame, flowers. Of course they should be fixed on +foundations, but they are the only materials used at the present time. + +_Lady._ Are they not rather expensive? + +_Modiste._ Well, no. I shall not charge more for them than velvet or +brocade. And, of course, if you choose to wear your dresses more than +once, your maid can get them renovated with new flowers at an almost +fabulous reduction. + +_Lady._ I do not think a gown ever looks well when worn a second time. + +_Modiste._ Quite so, Madame; quite so. Well, would you like a charming +dress of pink hyacinths, with bishop's sleeves of Gloire de Dijon +roses? The skirt would be of variegated lilac. + +_Lady._ But could you get the material for the floral combination? + +_Modiste._ Oh dear yes, Madame! Since the fashion for real flowers has +come in we are supplied daily from all parts of the world, and have a +large stock always at hand on the premises. Why, our greenhouses are +the finest in London. Will you want any other costume to-day? + +_Lady._ Only one for a small dance to-morrow. I want something cool +and quiet. + +_Modiste._ You can scarcely do better than wear a costume _d'Eden_, +or as it is facetiously termed in England, "a dress for EVE." It is an +arrangement in oak leaves and apples _à la mode de la première femme +du monde_. + +_Lady._ Very well. Let me have it home by eleven. + +_Modiste._ You can depend upon my punctuality, Madame. If you are +careful not to dance too much it will last until 2 A.M., and permit of +your partaking of supper. I would not say this with confidence of +all the gowns I turn out, but in this instance you will find leaves +stronger than flowers. And now, Madame, permit me to take your +measure. + + [_Scene closes in upon mysteries of the toilet._ + + * * * * * + +AFTER THE CONGRESS WAS OVER. + +(_A Strange Fragment dealing with a Mystery._) + +Every important question that could be considered had been thoroughly +examined and decided. The delegates, who had come from North, South, +East and West, had expressed their satisfaction with everything +they had seen in London. As for the British Empire generally, their +admiration knew no bounds. "It was magnificent." "It was beautiful." +"It was grand." And yet when they prepared to take their departure +there was a shade of disappointment upon their expressive +countenances. + +"I wish I could have understood it," said one. + +"It would have been a triumph of ingenuity to have comprehended it," +observed another. + +"The queries of the Egyptian Sphinx were the easiest of conundrums in +comparison," added a third. + +And others chimed in to the same effect. But to the very last the +delegates tried their best to solve the problem. At length the company +departed. The hall in which the great assembly had been held was +empty. There was one striking object in the deserted apartment. It was +a book--a yellow-covered book. Evidently it had been much read. But, +in spite of the fingering, there was no distinct evidence that the +full meaning of its contents had been grasped by anyone. + +In the quiet of the night the moonbeams illuminated the title-page. + +The volume that rested so securely with its knowledge carefully +concealed between its paper covers was _Bradshaw's Railway Guide_. + + * * * * * + +WHO WOULDN'T BE AN ALDERMAN?--I have often wished to be an Alderman, +and, after reading the following extract from the _Birmingham +Daily Gazette_, I have fixed upon West Bromwich as the scene of my +aldermanic labours. It must be glorious to joke with such ease:-- + + "A WEST BROMWICH ALDERMAN'S JOKE.--Yesterday morning when the + West Bromwich guardians entered the Board Room at the West + Bromwich Workhouse, the blinds were all drawn, and as a + consequence the room presented a very gloomy appearance. The + business was about to be commenced, when Alderman R. WILLIAMS + objected to the blinds being lowered. He inquired whether + their lowering had a political significance, and whether the + house was in mourning for the death of the Radical Government. + If his assumption was true he considered they should + not commence the business until the blinds were raised + (_Laughter._) Two of the largest blinds were then raised, but + six others were allowed to remain down." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GREAT POLITICAL COMBINATION TROUPE. + +S-L-SB-RY (THE STRONG MAN), B-LF-R, DUKE OF D-V-NSH-RE, AND JOE +CH-MB-RL-N (THE "CLIMBING BOY").] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OMNISCIENCE. + +_Son of the House._ "I'M GOING TO OXFORD FOR A WEEK, MARY, SO MIND AND +SEND MY LETTERS THERE. _YOU_ KNOW WHERE OXFORD IS?" + +_Mary Elizabeth Jane_ (_the smart new Parlourmaid who knows +everything_). "YES, SIR. _CAMBRIDGE_, OF COURSE!"] + + * * * * * + +ROUNDABOUT READINGS. + +Some of us like our English short, others prefer it expanded. Some of +us, for instance, might say that "NERO fiddled while Rome burnt." +But this bald statement is obviously quite unsuited to the decorative +instincts of the age, for in the _Daily Telegraph_, only last week, I +read that "a notorious Roman Emperor is credited with the performance +of a violin solo during the raging of a serious conflagration in +the heart of his capital." The omission of NERO'S name gives to this +sentence a delicate parliamentary flavour, which brings it absolutely +up to date. + + * * * + +But what a noble example it is! Henceforward, for instance, if it +should ever fall to my lot to write about HENRY THE EIGHTH of England, +I shall feel a mere fool if I state that he married seven wives. No, +no. A British monarch, celebrated in the books of the historians as +the Eighth, and hitherto the last of his name, is reported, on +the authority of the Ecclesiastical registers of his time, to have +entertained so warm and overpowering an affection for the connubial +condition commonly known as matrimony, as to have entered into it with +a comparatively light heart on as many occasions as would equal the +sum total of predecessors bearing his name who have supported the +burden of the crown of these realms. For a very slight increase of +salary I am prepared to double the length of this sentence without +adding a single fact to it. + + * * * + +Here, too, is a delightful extract from a gorgeously illustrated +volume issued by a firm of house-agents in praise of what they very +properly term "an imposing structure in red brick." "It is difficult," +they declare (and after reading their description one can well believe +it) "to conceive a more replete Town Mansion, embodying such artistic +and delicate schemes of decoration, one where wealth has wrought such +a revelation of harmonious and fitly fitments, or where the studious +consideration of the minutest detail contributing to health, enjoyment +and comfort has been more completely manifested. This, combined with +its advantageous position removed from any main thoroughfare with its +accompanying turmoil, renders it a perfect dwelling and an idealistic +London Home." + + No more by White Star or by Guion + I leave my native land to roam. + I've purchased and I occupy an + Idealistic London Home. + + Last year my London I to quit meant; + But now, with all an owner's pride, + I gaze upon each fitly fitment, + And, lo, desire for flight has died. + + Place me where schemes of decoration + Give both to Art and Health increase, + Where Wealth has wrought a Revelation-- + I ask no more, I rest in peace. + + * * * + +Next let us contemplate a pure gem of descriptive English from a +sporting contemporary. It occurs in an account of the athletic contest +between Cambridge University and the United Hospitals:-- + + Scarcely a cloud flecked the blue heaven yesterday afternoon, + and a dazzling sky burnished the Stamford Bridge grounds into + an acre of reflected sunshine. What a pleasant spot the tryst + of the premier athletic club on which to hold athletic revels! + It was not to be expected that the people would show a front + at the carnival. So much to do nowadays, what with cycling at + Hurlingham, and the Beauty wheel show on the Row in Battersea + Park. Equal to the occasion though proved many English girls, + and it was pleasing indeed to note their presence in the + pavilion and enclosures. Bold as Britannia as a rule in this, + the nineteenth century. And don't forget this, innocent as + a posy all the while.... Think of this now. W. MENDLESON + (C.U.A.C.), but by birth a New Zealander, figuratively + speaking, gazed on the ruins (long jump ruins, of course) of + Britishers at Stamford Bridge. It was with a quickened pulse + that one watched the Hurdle Race. 'Pon our soul 'twas a + difficult problem to solve a few steps from home to tell + which would win, PILKINGTON or LOWE. The flag went up for the + visitor from the banks of the Cam. Nevertheless, no one can + assert but that the medical banner remained hoisted at the + truck in honour of their representatives. Gallant seconds!... + Of course H. A. MUNRO gave us a taste of his quality in the + Three Miles. Verily he ran as though able to keep up pacing + from sunrise to sunset. 'Twas a glorious victory that + he gained. Neither must the plucky bid made by HORAN be + forgotten. Ah! if he had only been MUNRO! But he wasn't, so + there was no use in thinking about that. + +How melancholy are these might-have-beens. If NAPOLEON had only been +WELLINGTON. But he wasn't. So there was no use in thinking about that. + + * * * + +HENLEY Regatta, I understand, is to be an international festival +this year. A Dutch crew has entered for the Thames Cup, but it is not +stated that they carry a broom in their bows. Nor is it to be inferred +that they will make a clean sweep of the prize. Besides many English +crews they will meet a crew from France. Then from Toronto come four +Argonauts sailing not for the Golden Fleece, but for the Stewards' +Challenge Cap; and from Ithaca, N.Y., eight modern Trojans, +undergraduates of Cornell University, have set out intent on the +capture of the Grand Challenge Cup. To all of them _Mr. Punch_ extends +the right hand of good fellowship, though, being British to the +backbone, he cannot wish for their triumph over his own gallant +oarsmen. And amongst these he especially welcomes Mr. C. W. KENT, the +Hero of Leander, who, having four times stroked his crew to victory, +is once more seated on the slide of honour to defend possession of the +Grand,--KENT, the pride of joyous Moulsey, whom at his birth the +Fates endowed with the triple gifts of cunning, resource and courage, +bidding him wield an indomitable oar in undefeated crews. As when +a fox, emerging from the tangled covert----But I cannot pursue the +Virgilian method any further. Let the event next week speak for +itself. Here's luck all round, and may the best crew be an English +one. In any case, may the best crew win. + + * * * + +The gentlemen from Cornell have brought over with them, in addition to +their boats and oars, a terrible battle-cry, "Cornell, yell, yell, I +yell Cornell." Manifestly the members of the London Rowing Club cannot +model themselves on this, for to cry, "London, done, done, I'm done, +London" would, I trust, be as inappropriate as it would certainly be +discouraging. + + * * * + +My recent investigations into the condition of some of our great +provincial cities lead me to the depressing belief that something is +always wrong with some of their streets. Here, for instance, is "NEMO" +writing to the _Manchester Guardian_ to complain that "on Saturday +evening the Bury New Road was filthy, whilst the odour was equal to +that of the Ship Canal, but different. Formerly there seemed to be an +effort made to have the road brushed up on Friday ready for Saturday +and Sunday, when thousands of well-dressed and happy people--Jew and +Gentile--promenade it on their way to breezy Kersal Moor." But why, +may I ask, should there be no well-dressed and happy Christians +promenading on their way to Kersal Moor? It may be that they have +followed "our local representatives," who, "NEMO" suggests, "are +enjoying their holidays, or are immersed in golf," which I take to be +a delicate euphemism for bunkered. + + * * * * * + +A LATE-AT-NIGHT RIDDLE.--_Q._ Why is it probable that the supper +provided by the Royal Academicians for their guests at their _soirée_ +would be chiefly or entirely vegetarian? _A._ Because all the dishes +are "R. A. dishes." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TRUE TEST. + +_First Screever_ (_stopping before a Pastel in a Picture-dealer's +window_). "'ULLO 'ERBERT, LOOK 'ERE! CHALKS!" + +_Second Screever._ "AH, VERY TRICKY, I DESSAY. BUT YOU SET THAT CHAP +ON THE PIVEMENT ALONGSIDE O' YOU AN' ME, TO DROR 'ARF A SALMON AN' A +NEMPTY 'AT, AN' WHERE 'UD 'E BE?" + +_First Screever._ "AH!" + + [_Exeunt ambo._ +] + + * * * * * + +SCRAPS FROM CHAPS. + +Is it well to temper justice with jokes? This important question has +been settled in the affirmative in many courts of law, but it has +been left for his Honour, Judge EDGE, to use his own name (instead of +somebody else's) in the playful manner requisite to excite "laughter +in the Court." A solicitor recently took upon himself to argue with +his Honour in the Plymouth County Court a question of costs in respect +of a case heard some months since. He conducted his argument with +much warmth and inaccuracy. This combination of bad law and bad temper +enabled the Judge to score an easy victory. "Stand down," said his +Honour; "if you play with edged tools you must pay for it." Thus +triumphed the Law and the Judge, and once more "unquenchable laughter +arose amongst the blessed gods" up in the gallery. + + * * * * * + +The British earthquake has been sadly neglected. Therefore Mr. CHARLES +DAVISON, M.A., F.G.S., of Birmingham, is writing a _History of the +British Earthquakes of the Nineteenth Century_. With a view to add to +the completeness of this work, he has appealed to the readers of the +_Western Daily Mercury_ for "notices of British earthquakes, either +past or future, of any kind and from any place whatever." He specially +desires to become acquainted with earthquakes "of which descriptions +appear in the local press, or entries are made in private diaries." +All local papers should at once start a special earthquake +column--"Earthquakes Day by Day," or "Yesterday's Earthquakes"--and +writers of diaries would do well to dive into the past. There are so +many remarkable phenomena not otherwise recorded. Here is one. "Dined +with BROWN last night. Insisted on walking home, instead of taking +BROWN'S advice and a cab. Had not gone far when strange thing +happened. Pavement suddenly upheaved and hit me violent blow on +forehead. Fell prostrate. Taken home in dazed condition by friendly +policeman. No time to observe affect of earthquake on adjoining +houses. Shock very short, but exceedingly severe. In bed all +day. Large bruise on forehead. Headache, &c." There must be many +interesting entries of this kind in diaries which will afford valuable +material for Mr. DAVISON'S work. As to "notice of future earthquakes," +which he requests, perhaps the Meteorological Office, the Geological +Society and Zadkiel will kindly oblige with probable dates and other +information. + + * * * * * + +WIZARD AND WITTLES.--Long life to the Glasgow Sir Walter Scott +Club! It "promotes the study of Sir WALTER'S life and writings, and +encourages a more familiar acquaintance with the localities rendered +classic by his pen." Ninety members set off the other day to +Edinburgh, and drove in four-in-hands to the "beechy grove" at +Melville Castle, the Esk and DRUMMOND'S Hawthornden, and then on to +the castle and chapel at Roslin. Lunch at Dalkeith, dinner at the +Balmoral Hotel at Edinburgh, and back rejoicing at eventide to Glasgy, +"after the happiest and most successful excursion in the history of +the club." This is the way to keep up the dignity of literature. Far +better than knighthoods! An excursion "under the presidency of the +genial Sheriff SPENS," too; no Sheriff SAVES _this_ time; and a dinner +at the Balmoral to wind up--it's a Talisman to make the heart of +Midlothian leap up! + + * * * * * + +A MUSICAL TREAT. A PRONOUNCEMENT AND A HINT.--Herr NIKISCH'S +performance is so brilliant, and has so much real fire in it, as to +have given rise to the suggestion that, to express the _diablerie_ of +his effects, both syllables of his name should be short, and that his +style should be henceforward known as the "Old Nickish" manner. When +the chance recurs, go and hear the symphony by TSCHAIKOWSKY. Only be +prepared. To pronounce this name correctly you must take pungent snuff +and sneeze violently while trying to utter the word "Whisky." Take +care to have a medical man ready at hand; also a tailor, with needle, +thread, and buttons. + + * * * * * + +FROM the _South Wales Daily News_:-- + + As Groom, Coachman, or Groom-Gardener, plain; wife good Cook; + or otherwise, if required. Good references. + +"Or otherwise, if required," is delicious. She would be a bad cook or +an indifferent one "if required." So convenient! + + * * * * * + +Half-and-Half. + +(_After Reading some recent Political Speeches._) + + Although in the queer Party story + There's many a turn, and many a twist; + _'Tis_ strange to see JOSEPH half Tory, + And SALISBURY half Socialist! + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY M.P. + +[Illustration: Jesse, the Pilot-Engine, clears the Line!] + +_House of Commons, Monday, June 24._--Back to-day from the booming +Baltic to wan Westminster. Given up the company of Kings and Queens +which formed Don CURRIE'S daily fare; descended to level of Commons. +And what a state of things to come back to! Left less than a fortnight +ago, with House in almost comatose state. Even the Busy B's had ceased +to hum. TANNER no longer disturbed at hour of midnight by poignant +curiosity as to when the Dook would retire. SILOMIO, his head bandaged +after latest buffeting by EDWARD GREY and SYDNEY BUXTON, temporarily +silent. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS for awhile content with management of House +by "my right hon. friend the CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER." In a moment, +in the twinkling of ST. JOHN BRODRICK'S eye, crisis and chaos come. +Ministry blown up with charge of cordite, surreptitiously brought in; +concealed under Front Opposition Bench; fired in the dinner hour. + +"Cordite?" said TOMLINSON. "What is this cordite they're all talking +about? Thought it was something they made trousers of." + +"No, no," said Private HANBURY, up in all military matters. "You're +thinking of corduroy." + +House crowded from furthest bench of side galleries to gangway steps +on floor. A buzz of excitement completes fulness of chamber. Only +two empty seats. These on front benches, where SQUIRE OF MALWOOD +and PRINCE ARTHUR were wont to face each other. JOSEPH'S seat below +gangway filled by COURTNEY, who, in honour of occasion, has put on a +white waistcoat and a smile. Wears both throughout proceedings. A loud +cheer welcomes arrival of PRINCE ARTHUR looking graver than usual. +Three minutes later another rings forth, and the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD +enters with slow step and countenance set, suitable to the obsequies +of an assassinated Ministry. JESSE COLLINGS comes in; startled by +cheer from Irish Members. + +"JOE'S not far off," said TIM HEALY, grimly. "In times like these +sends JESSE on ahead, like the pilot-engine that goes before CZAR'S +train. If there were any murderous plot on hand, by JUSTIN MCCARTHY or +any other brigand, the blameless figure of JESSE would be blown into +space, and JOSEPH would proceed on his journey with his hair +unsinged." + +On stroke of half-past three SQUIRE OF MALWOOD made formal +announcement of familiar fact that Government had resigned; THE +MARKISS had been sent for; Ministers kept their places only till their +successors were appointed. + +"I would ask leave to say," the SQUIRE, with unwonted tremor in his +voice, observed, bringing to close his brief, business-like speech, +"that for every man who has taken part in the noble conflict of +Parliamentary life, the chiefest of all ambitions, whether in a +majority or in a minority, must be to stand well with the House of +Commons." + +How in this respect the Leader of the House through two Sessions of +peculiar difficulty stands with both tides, testified to by a ringing +cheer, repeated when PRINCE ARTHUR, who always does these things well, +voiced the common feeling as he recognised in the blushing SQUIRE "one +of the greatest ornaments of this House." + +"That's all very well, TOBY," said the SQUIRE, when I offered him +my congratulations on deliverance from a situation long become +intolerable. "You put it prettily. But I hope the experience of the +last fortnight will be a lesson to you. You hadn't been gone a week +and two days when the cordite bomb was exploded. Never forget what you +must have learned in your nursery kennel: + + When the dog's away, + The rats will play." + +All business set aside. All Bills dropped save Seal Fisheries. This +Cap'en TOMMY BOWLES, master of himself though Ministers fall, proceeds +to discuss as calmly as if nothing had happened. Whilst other Members +already have their eyes on their constituencies and their faces +towards the door, TOMMY, buttonholing Time as it were with his hooked +arm, leisurely discusses the close season for Seal Fishing. + +_Business done._--The Government's. + +_Tuesday._--House met again, expecting further particulars about the +Ministerial crisis. Benches full, but not so crowded as yesterday. +Again the SQUIRE, PRINCE ARTHUR, and JOSEPH absent. The two latter not +expected. When they reappear they will sit side by side on Treasury +Bench. But where was the SQUIRE? + +Preliminary business finished. House waiting for next move. Must be +made by SQUIRE. Where was he? Members tossed about on seats. All +eyes strained towards space behind SPEAKER'S chair, whence Ministers +approaching Treasury Bench emerge. Minutes passed; SQUIRE still +tarried. Horrible rumour that cordite had done fresh stroke of work. +FREDERICK MILNER said he distinctly heard sound of explosion in +neighbourhood of room of Leader of House. Another report was that +SQUIRE had been kidnapped, shipped off to distant colony by direction +of new SECRETARY OF STATE. Whilst probability of these wild guesses +balanced, SQUIRE entered, whole and hale. Had been waiting to hear +from THE MARKISS. Nothing had come, so must adjourn. + +_Business done._--House adjourned. + +[Illustration: THEIR NEW SUITS. + +_Admiral G-sch-n._ "Oh, I say, Joey old man, what a comical costume! +It does make me laugh!" + +_Colonial Ch-mb-rl-n._ "Well, hang it, Jokey old boy, _you_ can't say +much!"] + +_Wednesday._--All settled: SQUIRE announces that MARKISS has +undertaken to form new Ministry. Writs moved for elections to fill +vacancies consequent on acceptance of office. Amongst them West +Birmingham, JOSEPH having undertaken to care for the Colonies. +Prospect of "Our JOE," as SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE affectionately +calls him, sitting in Cabinet Council with THE MARKISS, strangely +moves House. Irish Members in particular give vent to feelings in +cries that forebode lively times for new Minister. + +House lost crowded appearance of earlier days of week. Interest +already transferred to constituencies. GORST among absentees. SARK +looking for him everywhere. Been reading article in magazine where +GORST writes:--"A lady resident in East London informed me that she +once knew a man who was attending fourteen doctors at the same time. +The man died." + +SARK wants to know what was the matter with the doctors? Why the man +was attending them? And whether this is cited as case of overwork, or +of death resulting from infectious disease? + +The worst of SARK is that his curiosity is almost feminine in its +intensity. + +_Business done._--Foundation stones of new Ministry laid. + +[Illustration: Cap'en Tommy Casabianca Bowles.] + +_House of Lords, Thursday._--Quite a crowded House. THE MARKISS, not +seen in his place since he became Prime Minister, now there faced by +ROSEBERY. Large attendance and eager interest explained by attempt to +purloin Seals of SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR. In dim and distant future +this likely to rank with the Diamond Necklace Affair. SARK, who has +been reading Radical newspapers on incident, tells me all about it. + +As soon as Vote of Censure passed on CAWMELL-BANNERMAN, MARKISS became +possessed of uncontrollable passion for instant possession of his +seals of office. How was it to be done? CAWMELL a Scotchman; not +easy to get loose property out of his grip. MARKISS, instinct with +influences of spacious times of Queen ELIZABETH, not to be trifled +with. Clapped his hands. Enter faithful henchman, one SCHOMBERG. A +stoutly-built man of herculean strength, bowed legs, grizzled beard, +short thick hair like hand-spikes standing up above pair of ears +resembling nothing so much as Tower Bridge when, in opening, either +flap stands out at angle of forty-five degrees. A certain piquancy +given to his features by front tooth protruding like tusk of wild +boar. + +"SCHOMBERG," said THE MARKISS, hoarsely, "I want CAWMELL-BANNERMAN'S +Seals. His address is 6, Grosvenor Place, S.W. He comes home late, +with a latch-key. Take twenty stout fellows, as like yourself as the +country produces. Await his coming. Take the Seals. If he resists, a +slit weasand will scarcely be noticed in a population of (according to +the last census) 4,349,166. _But bring the Seals._" + +That is SARK'S idea of the episode after reading the papers. THE +MARKISS'S version differs in some details. + + +_Business done._--THE MARKISS, challenged by ROSEBERY, says new +Ministry have no policy at present. However, since ROSEBERY seems +anxious on point, will send over to WHITELEY'S and see what can be +done. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUNDERED LIVES. + +_Bertie._ "I THOUGHT YOU TWO NEVER MET WITHOUT KISSING. ANYTHING THE +MATTER? THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER?" + +_Muriel._ "NO, YOU SILLY! HATS!"] + + * * * * * + +A DISCOVERY IN LIQUEURS. + +SIR,--You remember _Mr. Squeers's_ system of theoretical and practical +teaching, "'_W-i-n-d-e-r-s_.' Go and clean 'em"? Of course you do; and +if the quotation is not letter perfect, it is its "spirit," which is +more suited to my present theme, at all events. Well, Sir, "them's +my principles." Accordingly, after reading your advice as to taking a +Summer Sunday trip to Calais and back by _Calais-Doûvres_, or one of +the large boats in L. C. and D. service, I acted upon it, and went. +The _trajet_ was simply perfect! Such weather! Sea so calm! Breeze +refreshing! Company distinguished! Commander WATTELBLED, and First +Lieutenant CARINI, with all hands, waiting to give us (at a price as +fair and moderate as the Channel breeze on this occasion) excellent +refreshment. But to sing their praise is not my point; they do their +duty, and pay it too, as we _voyageurs_ have to do, on cigars, +teas, and tobacco. I had time to refer to hotel's list of wines and +liqueurs, and among the latter there appeared a name which brought +tears to the eyes of the wanderer far from his English home; and that +name, Sir, coming after "Kümmel, and Marasquin, and Whisky," was "_Old +Tom-Gim_"--"Tom Gi_m_" with an "m." How far superior to "Gin" with an +"n." It brought to mind early days of catechism, "_M. or N., as the +case may be_." This was a case of liqueurs. How preferable the soft +liquid "_m_" to the less soft "_n_" in making "_Gin_" into "_Gim_"! +And how much one would like to alter the spelling, and make it "_Old +Tom Jim_." Would he not be seized upon by a French librettist as the +very name, _par excellence_, for a typical Ancient English Mariner in +an opera? Don't you see it? "_Capitaine_ John Smith; _First Mate_ Old +Tom Jim" with song (nautical). _Vive_ Gim! Now, with my discovery, +I regain the good ship, and, once aboard the lugger ... by the way, +there is an eighteen-penny tax now levied by the French on those who +land at Calais. "_Happy Thought._ Don't land." But, _Unhappy Thought_, +if we don't land in the _pas-de-Calais_, the result will be _pas de +déjeuner_. So--"bang goes sax-pence," for "We don't kill a pig every +week." + + Yours, + THOMAS LE VIEUX. + +P.S.--And another one-and-sixpence extra on landing at Dover! All the +"fun of the fare," eh? + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note + + += = represents Old English font. + +Page 12: 'Cawmel-Bannerman' corrected to 'Cawmell-Bannerman' (a.k.a. +Campbell-Bannerman, Sir Henry (1836-1908), Scottish statesman, M.P.) + +"SCHOMBERG," said THE MARKISS, hoarsely, "I want CAWMELL-BANNERMAN'S +Seals." + + * * * * * + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +109, July 6, 1895, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44953 *** |