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diff --git a/44933-8.txt b/44933-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 99d35f1..0000000 --- a/44933-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2239 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 148, -February 10, 1915, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 148, February 10, 1915 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Owen Seaman - -Release Date: February 16, 2014 [EBook #44933] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 148, FEBRUARY 10, 1915 *** - - - - -Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer -and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at -http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - -PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - -VOL. 148. - -FEBRUARY 10, 1915. - - - -CHARIVARIA. - -"Kultur belongs to my Germans alone," says the KAISER. We were -not aware that the charge had been brought against any other country. - -* * * - -"The Indians," complains the _Frankfurter Zeitung_, "have an -extraordinary way of fighting. They jump up, shoot with wonderful -precision, and disappear before one has time to notice them properly." -Our contemporary has evidently not been studying the pages of _Punch_, -or it would know that the disappearance is worked by the well-known -Indian trick of throwing a rope into the air and climbing up it. - -* * * - -Letters from the British troops operating in Damaraland show that the -prevailing complaint there is with respect to the heat; and a dear and -very thoughtful old lady writes to suggest that, as our men in Flanders -dislike the cold, it might be possible to arrange an exchange. - -* * * - -With reference to the attentions paid by German aeroplanes, the other -day, to the British provision establishments at Dunkirk, we understand -that the bombs which were dropped made no impression whatever on our -bully beef, so famous for its durability. - -* * * - -The Norwich Liberals have selected as their candidate Lieutenant -HILTON YOUNG, and it has been decided that the election -shall not be contested. It is realised that in time of war "_Le monde -appartient aux Jeunes_." - -* * * - -In his account of the dynamiting of the C. P. R. bridge over the St. -Croix river, REUTER tells us that "A German officer who -has been hanging around the neighbourhood for the past few days has -been arrested." We have a shrewd idea that he may be hanging in the -neighbourhood again very shortly. - -* * * - -We are surprised that the advocates of Mr. WILLETT'S Daylight -Saving Bill have been so quiet lately. Surely it would be an enormous -advantage to rush this measure through now so that the Germans may have -less darkness to take advantage of? - -* * * - -Dr. HANS RICHTER, the celebrated WAGNER conductor, -who enjoyed English hospitality for so long, has now expressed the -hope that Germany may punish England who has so profoundly disgraced -herself. It is even said that the amiable Doctor asked to be allowed to -conduct a Parsifal airship to this country. - -* * * - -Professor KOBERT, of Rostock University, one of Germany's -best-known chemists, is advocating a mixture of pig's blood and -rye-meal as a most nutritious form of bread for his countrymen. -There is, of course, already a certain amount of pig's blood in the -composition of some Germans. - -* * * - -Our newspapers really ought to be more careful. We feel quite sure -that the following paragraph in _The Daily Mail_ will be quoted in -the German Press as showing the Londoner's fears of a Zeppelin visit: -"The Golder's Green Training Corps yesterday morning mobilised eighty -motor-cars and drove out to Harpenden to see how quickly the corps -could get out of London in case of emergency." - -* * * - -_The Times_ has been discussing the question as to whether khaki is the -best protective colour for soldiers. In this connection it is worth -noting that the uniforms worn by the men of KITCHENER'S Army -appear to render them almost completely invisible to the correspondents -of German newspapers in this country, who report that there is only a -mere handful of these soldiers. - -* * * - -By the way Colonel MAUDE pointed out recently in _Land and -Water_ that it is essential that our gunners should be able to watch -our infantry closing on the enemy, and that in this respect khaki is a -drawback. We now hear that the wide-awake Germans are taking the hint, -and that their new uniforms will have scarlet backs, which will not -only help their artillery, but will act as a powerful deterrent should -their troops think of running away. - -* * * - -Extract from a Book Merchant's Catalogue:--"I venture to assert no -more acceptable gift could be sent to our Heroes on Active Service -than a few cwts. of Literature. A book is the best of all companions -and always useful, for one in the breast pocket has been the means of -saving many a man's life in action." A Society for supplying every -recruit with a complete set of _The Encyclopædia Britannica_ is now, we -believe, in process of formation. - -* * * - -A book which is stated to have been "kept back on account of the war" -is entitled _Hell's Playground_. One would have thought it would have -been peculiarly _à propos_. - -* * * - -A live frog has been discovered embedded in a piece of coal hewn from a -colliery in the Forest of Dean. It is thought that the colliery owners, -by means of a series of bonuses like this, intend to make their coal -look almost worth the price that is now being charged for it. - -* * * - -Frankly we were not surprised to hear that the moon was full a little -while ago. In these times our own planet is certainly not a very -desirable place. - -* * * - -It is now stated that Herr LIEBKNECHT, the Socialist leader, -who was called to the colours a few days ago, has been relieved of -service in the Landwehr. This is most annoying as it throws out all the -carefully calculated figures of our experts as to the number of men -Germany is putting into the field. - -* * * - -Even the Censor nods occasionally. _The Tailor and Cutter_ has been -allowed to state that a Holborn tailor is making a uniform for a -sergeant in KITCHENER'S Army who stands 6 ft. 8 ins. high. -The fact that we have a man of these dimensions in reserve was, we -understand, to have been one of our surprises for Germany. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Small Military Enthusiast._ "AUNTIE, DO YOU MIND IF -I MAKE THE GERMANS WIN JUST ONE BATTLE NOW AND THEN? THEY'RE GETTING -WORN OUT."] - - * * * * * - -THE MARK OF THE BEAST. - -(_With acknowledgments to a cartoon by Mr. WILL DYSON._) - - [In a Munich paper Herr GANGHOFER recites the following - remark of the KAISER'S, whose special journalistic confidant - he is said to be:--"To possess Kultur means to have the deepest - conscientiousness and the highest morality. My Germans possess that."] - - 'Tis enough that we know you have said it; - We feel that the facts correspond - With your speech as a Person of credit, - Whose word is as good as his bond; - Who are we that our critics should quarrel - With the flattering doctrine you preach-- - That the German, in all that is moral, - Is an absolute peach? - - But the puzzle grows odder and odder: - If your people are spotless of blame, - Being perfectly sound cannon-fodder, - Then whose is the fault and the shame? - If it's just from a deep sense of duty - That they prey upon woman and priest, - And their minds are a model of Beauty, - Then who is the Beast? - - For a Beast is at work in this matter; - We have seen--and the traces endure-- - The red blood of the innocent spatter - The print of his horrible spoor; - On their snouts, like the lovers of Circe-- - Your men that are changed into swine-- - The Mark of the Beast-without-mercy - Is set for a sign. - - You have posed (next to God) as the pillar - That steadies the fabric of State, - Whence issues the brave baby-killer - Supplied with his hymnal of hate; - Once known for a chivalrous knight, he - Now hogs with the Gadarene herd; - Since it can't be the other Almighty, - How _has_ it occurred? - - When at last they begin to be weary - Of sluicing their virtues in slime, - And they put the embarrassing query:-- - "Who turned us to brutes of the prime? - Full of culture and most conscientious, - Who made us a bestial crew? - Who pounded the poisons that drench us?"-- - I wouldn't be you. - - O. S. - - * * * * * - -THE PLAINT OF A BRITISH DACHSHUND. - -DEAR _Mr. Punch_,--I desire to address you on a painful -subject. Let me state that I am (1) a dachshund of unblemished -character; (2) a British-born subject; (3) a member of a family which, -though originally of foreign extraction, has for several generations -been honourably domiciled in one of the most exclusive and aristocratic -of our English country seats. Imagine then the surprise and indignation -experienced by myself, my wife and our only daughter when, shortly -after the opening of the present unfortunate hostilities between our -country and a certain continental Power, we found the atmosphere of -friendly, nay, affectionate respect with which we had so long been -surrounded becoming gradually superseded by one of suspicion and -animosity. - -The ball was started by Macalister, an Aberdeen terrier of unprincipled -character, who has never forgiven me for summarily crushing the -unwelcome advances which he had the bad taste to make last spring to -my daughter. He had had the impertinence to approach me with a large -(and, I confess, a distinctly succulent-looking) object, which he -laid with an oily smile on the ground before my nose. But I had heard -from Gertrude (my wife) of his attentions to our offspring, and I saw -through the ruse. - -"If you imagine," I said, "for one moment that this insidious offer -of a stolen bone will induce a gentleman of family to countenance an -engagement between his daughter and an advertisement for Scotch whisky -you are greatly mistaken. Be off with you, and never let me see your -ruffianly whiskers near my basket again!" - -Rather severe, no doubt, but when I am deeply moved I seldom mince -matters; in fact, as a Briton, I prefer to hit out straight from the -shoulder. In any case, for the time being it settled Macalister. - -I say for the time being. In the autumn he had his revenge. One morning -early in October I was walking down the drive accompanied by a recent -arrival within our circle, a rather brainless St. Bernard (who gave his -name with a lisp as "Bwuno"), when we met my child's rejected suitor. -Since the incident mentioned above I had consistently cut Macalister, -and I passed him now without recognition. No sooner was he by, however, -and at a safe distance, than he deliberately turned and snarled over -his shoulder at me the offensive epithet, "Potsdammer!" - -My blood boiled; I longed to bury my teeth in the scoundrel's throat; -but I remembered that Gertrude had once told me that galloping made me -look ridiculous. So I affected not to hear the insult, and proceeded, -outwardly calm, with my morning constitutional. But, for some reason -or other, Bruno's flow of small talk appeared suddenly to dry up, and -once or twice I detected him looking at me curiously out of the corners -of his eyes. Next day, on my calling for him as usual he pleaded a -cold. His manner struck me as odd; still I accepted his excuse. But -when the cold had lasted, without any perceptible loss of appetite, for -a fortnight, and I had seen him meanwhile on two occasions actually -rabbiting (an absurd pastime for a St. Bernard) with Macalister, I -saw what had happened and decided to ask him what he meant by it. He -endeavoured to assume a conciliatory attitude, but the long and short -of it was, he said, that as a Swiss, and therefore a neutral, it was -impossible for him to be too careful, and he feared that my society -might compromise him. I did not argue with him; it would merely have -involved a loss of dignity to do so. - -Since that time, though we have endured in silence, the lot of myself -and my family has been a hard one. We have been fed and housed as -usual, it is true, but when one has been accustomed to live on terms -of the most privileged friendship with a household it is galling to -find oneself suddenly treated by every member of it, from the butler -downwards, as a prisoner of war. I am not even allowed now to bite the -postmen; and I used to enjoy them so much, especially the evening one, -who wears quite thin trousers. Our only consolation has been the hope -that our misfortune might be an isolated instance. To-day, however, I -learn that it is not so. I have discovered by my basket (and I have -reason to think that they were conveyed thither by the malignant -Macalister) three humorous (?) sketches depicting members of my race -in situations which I can only describe as ridiculous, and obviously -insinuating that they were to be regarded as aliens. - -I appeal to you, Sir, as a lover of justice and animals, to put this -matter right with the public, for the life that a British dachshund has -to lead at the present moment is what is vulgarly known as a dog's life. - - Yours to the bottom biscuit, FRITZ. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE RIDDLE OF THE SANDS. - -TURKISH CAMEL. "WHERE TO?" - -GERMAN OFFICER. "EGYPT." - -CAMEL. "GUESS AGAIN."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE REFUGEE. - -"BOBBY DEAR, CAN'T YOU GET MARCELLE TO PLAY WITH YOU -SOMETIMES?" - -"I DO TRY, BUT SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE ABOUT IT--SHE'S ALWAYS -KNITTING. I THINK, MOTHER, PERHAPS IT MIGHT BE BETTER IF, FOR THE NEXT -WAR, WE HAD A BOY."] - - * * * * * - -HOT WATER. - -At the beginning of things I sat outside my tent in the early hours of -the morning while a stalwart warrior poured buckets of cold water down -my spine. I felt heroic. - -Towards the end of October I began to dislike my servant; I had a -suspicion he was icing the water. Before November was in I had given up -sitting outside my tent. My bathing I decided (one cold wet morning) -should take place under cover, either at the Golf Club or at some -kindly person's house. - -A few days later, not being on duty, I had arranged to dine with the -Fergusons. In the late afternoon I strode into the Golf Club and had a -hot bath. From there I wandered into town, where I met Mrs. Johnston. - -"Hello!" she said. "I'm just going home. Won't you come with me?" - -Mrs. Johnston is one in a thousand. - -"Rather," I agreed. "Forward--by the right." - -Tea over, my hostess turned to me brightly. "Now," she said, "I know -what it must be in camp. I'm sure you'd like a nice hot bath," and she -rang the bell. - -Somehow I didn't tell her I'd had one at the Club. You might have -done differently perhaps, but--well, the little lady was beaming -hospitality; was it for me to stifle her generous intentions? I thought -not. - -I went upstairs and splashed manfully. - -For the third time that day I dressed; then I went downstairs and found -Johnston. - -"Hello," he said. "Been having a bath? Good!" - -I stiffened perceptibly at "good." - -We chatted a little while, then I breathed my sincere thanks and left -them. - -My arrival at the Fergusons' was rather early, somewhere about -seven-thirty. I was shown into the drawing-room while the maid went to -inform Mrs. Ferguson of my arrival. In two minutes she returned. - -"Will you come this way, Sir?" she said. - -I went that way. - -Ten minutes later I emerged from Ferguson's bath and walked into his -dressing-room. Ferguson had arrived. - -"Hello!" he said. "Been having a bath? Good!" - -I winced at the word; then I smiled bravely and started to dress--for -the fourth time. - -* * * - -It was eleven o'clock when I got back to camp, and I found to my -surprise that the Mess had been moved from the tent to the new hut. - -"Hello!" they said, "how do you like the new quarters?" - -I surveyed the bare boards. - -"Topping," I replied, "but it's not anywhere near finished." - -"No," said the Junior Major, "but the bath's in. Hot water, by Gad! Go -and have a bath." - -I looked at him blankly. "I've had three, Sir, to-day." - -I might have known it was foolish; the Junior Major is still young. - -"It's up to the subalterns," he suggested, "to see he has No. 4." - -They saw to it. - - * * * * * - -"Baron von Bissing, the Governor of Belgium," says _The Central News_, -"has paid a visit to Turnhout and inspected the German guards along -the Belgo-Dutch frontier." In the whole of our experience we know no -finer example of self-control than our refusal to play with that word -Turnhout. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE BLOCKADE. A FAIR WARNING.] - -NOTICE - -ON AND AFTER FEBRUARY 18, ANY MERCHANT SHIP (ENEMY OR NEUTRAL) -FOUND IN THE MILITARY AREA WITHIN 500 MILES OF THE ATTACHED SUBMARINE -WILL BE LIABLE TO BE SUNK AT SIGHT, WITH OR WITHOUT HER CREW. - -BY ORDER] - - * * * * * - -IN QUAINTEST CINEMALAND. - -In these troublous times Cinemaland is about the only foreign country -in which it is possible to travel for pleasure. It has occurred to me -that some account of its curious manners and customs may not be without -interest for such readers as are still unacquainted with them. - -As Cinemaland contains many departments, each of which has -peculiarities of its own, I cannot attempt more than a general -description. - -The chief national industry is the chase of fugitives. In some -departments this is done on horseback, with a considerable and rather -aimless expenditure of ammunition; in others by motor car, or along the -roofs of railway carriages. It seems a healthy pursuit and provides all -concerned with exercise and excitement. The women are, almost without -exception, young and extremely prepossessing. Nature has endowed them, -among other personal advantages, with superb teeth, of which they make -a pardonably ostentatious display on the slightest provocation. They -are all magnificent horsewomen and fearless swimmers, and they do not -in the least mind spoiling their clothes. - -In their domestic circles, however, they show a feminine and clinging -disposition, with a marked tendency to fall in love at first sight with -any undesirable stranger. - -The principal occupation of the children is reconciling estranged -parents by contracting serious illnesses or getting run over. -The latter is even easier to manage in Cinemaland than in any -London thoroughfare. I have seldom, if ever, seen an aged Cinemian -grandparent, a long-lost wife, or a strayed child try to cross the -emptiest street without being immediately bowled over by a motor-car. -The mere wind of it has the strange potency not only of knocking down a -pedestrian, but inflicting the gravest internal injuries. Fortunately, -Cinemaland is a country rich in coincidences, so the car is invariably -occupied by the very person who has been vainly seeking the sufferer -for years. This of course is some compensation, but, all the same, it -is hardly the ideal method of running across people one is anxious to -meet. - -The victims are always removed to the nearest hospital, but, if I may -judge from what I have seen of their wards, I should say that medical -science in Cinemaland is still in its infancy, and it has never -surprised me that so many patients die soon after admission. - -But then Science of any kind seems to be a dangerous and unprofitable -occupation there. The inventor, designer, or discoverer of anything -is simply asking for trouble. If he doesn't blow himself up in his -laboratory and get blinded for life, some envious rival is certain to -undertake this for him. Or else a vague villain will steal his formula -or plans and sell them to a Foreign Power with Dundreary whiskers. And -the extraordinary part of it is that no Cinemian has ever invented -anything yet of which the secret could possibly be worth more than -twopence. I fancy the stealing must be done from sheer wanton devilry. - -Crime in Cinemaland is invariably detected sooner or later, though I -doubt if it would be but for a careless practice among criminals there -of carrying in their breastpockets the document that proves their -guilt. They seem to have a superstitious idea that to destroy it would -bring them bad luck. - -The exterior of a private mansion in a fashionable Cinemian suburb is -stately and imposing, but the interior is generally disappointing, -the rooms being small and overcrowded with furniture that is showy -without being distinguished. In some houses the owners appear to have a -taste for collecting antiques and to have been grossly imposed upon by -dealers. - -It is usual for young couples with a very moderate income to keep -not only a smart parlourmaid but a butler as well. The manner of all -Cinemian domestics is one of exaggerated deference; an ordinary English -employer would be painfully embarrassed if his servants bowed to him so -low and so often, but they appear to like it in Cinemaland. - -Social etiquette there has exigencies that are all its own. For -example, a guest at an evening party who happens to lose a brooch or -necklace is expected at once to stop the festivities by complaining -to her hostess and insisting on a constable being called in to search -everybody present. It might be thought that Cinemian Society would have -learnt by this time that the person in whose possession the missing -article is discovered is absolutely sure to be innocent. But the -supposed culprit is always hauled off (with quite unnecessary violence) -to prison, amidst the scorn and reprobation of the hostess and her -other guests. It is true they make the handsomest amends afterwards, -which are gratefully accepted, but in any other country the hostess's -next invitation to any social function would be met with the plea of -a previous engagement. If these amiable and impulsive people _have_ a -failing, I should say it was a readiness to believe the worst of one -another on evidence which would not hang an earwig. - -They are indefatigable letter-writers, but, after having had the -privilege of inspecting numerous examples of their correspondence, I -am compelled to own that, while their penmanship is bold and legible, -their epistolary style is apt to be a trifle crude. - -The clergy of Cinemaland all wear short side whiskers and are a -despised and servile class who appear to derive most of their -professional income from marrying runaway couples in back parlours. - -In certain departments it is a frequent practice to dress up in Federal -and Confederate uniforms and engage in desperate conflict. I have -witnessed battles there with over a hundred combatants on each side. -There was a profusion of flags and white smoke on these occasions, but, -so far as I was able to observe, no blood was actually shed. - -There is another department which is inhabited by a singularly -high-strung, not to say jerky, race, the women especially betraying -their emotions with a primitive absence of self-control. There, the -pleasure of the cause has become a delirious orgy, though much valuable -time is lost both by pursuers and pursued, owing to an inveterate habit -of stopping and leaping high at intervals. Squinting is a not uncommon -affliction, as is also abnormal stoutness, the latter, however, being -always combined with a surprising agility. In personal encounters, -which are by no means uncommon, it is considered not only legitimate -but laudable to kick the adversary whenever he turns his back, and also -to spring at him, encircle his waist with your legs, and bite his ear. -The local police are all either overgrown or undersized, and have been -carefully trained to fall over one another at about every five yards. -As guardians of the peace, however, I prefer our own force. - -I could not have written even so brief an account as this unless I had -paid many visits to Cinemaland. If I am spared I fully expect to pay -many more. The truth is that I cannot keep away from the country. Why, -I can't explain, but I fancy it is because it is so absolutely unlike -any other country with which I happen to be familiar. - - F. A. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _The one seated_ (_reading newspaper of January -29th_). "'20,000 GERMANS FALLEN IN ATTEMPT AT COUP-DE-MAIN.' CAN -YER SEE IT? C-O-U-P., D-E., M-A-I-N. STICK A UNION JACK IN -THERE."] - - * * * * * - - "The practice of compulsorily enrolling men for defence against - invasion can be traced from before the time of Alfred the Great, when - every man between 18 and 60 had to serve right up to the time of the - Napoleonic wars."--_Saturday Review._ - -It was found, however, that men who had enlisted in ALFRED THE -GREAT'S time at the age of sixty were of little real use in the -Napoleonic wars. - - * * * * * - -FLEET VISIONS SEEN THROUGH GERMAN EYES. - - [A number of curious facts about the British Army, lately gathered - from German sources, may be supplemented by some further information - of interest bearing on our Fleet.] - -The facts may be obscured for purposes of recruiting, but it remains -true that British seamen are no better than serfs. Their officers have -the most complete proprietorship in their persons and can do with -them what they like, as in the case of the English captain who had a -favourite shark, which followed his ship, and to which he threw an A.B. -each morning. That their slavery is acknowledged by the men is shown by -their custom of referring to the Captain as "The Owner." - - * * * * * - -The savagery of the British Navy has passed into a by-word, and the -bluejackets popularly go by the name of Jack Tartars. - - * * * * * - -It is all very well for America to protest her neutrality to Berlin, -but how can we ignore the fact that President WILSON actually -has a seat on the board of the British Admiralty--where he is known -as "Tug" WILSON. He is even the author of a work aimed -deliberately at us, and entitled _Der Tug_. - - * * * * * - -The superstitions of ignorant British seamen, notably the Horse -Marines, whose credulity has no parallel, is extra-ordinary. Mascots -are carried on all ships. For instance, no ship's carpenter will ever -go to sea without a walrus. - - * * * * * - -SELECT CONVERSATIONS. - -(_At about three o'clock in the morning._) - -AT THE WAR OFFICE. - -_Myself._ I want to see Lord KITCHENER, please. - -_Policeman._ Quite impossible, Sir. - -_Myself_ (_coldly handing card_). I don't think you realise who I am. - -_Policeman_ (_much impressed_). This way, Sir. - - [_I ascend the secret staircase, pat the bloodhounds chained outside - the sanctum, and enter._ - -_Kitchener_ (_sternly_). Good morning; what can I do for you? - -_Myself_ (_simply_). I have come to offer my services to the War Office. - -_Kitchener._ Have you had any previous military experience? - -_Myself._ None at all, Sir. - -_Kitchener_ (_warmly_). Excellent. The very man we want. You will bring -an absolutely fresh and unbiassed mind to the problem before us. Sit -down. (_I sit down._) You have a plan for defeating the Germans? Quite -so. Now--er--roughly, what would your idea be? - -_Myself_ (_waving arm_). Roughly, Sir, a broad sweeping movement. - -_Kitchener_ (_replacing ink-pot and getting to work with the -blotting-paper_). Excellent. - -_Myself._ The details I should work out later. I think perhaps I had -better explain them personally to Sir JOHN FRENCH and General -JOFFRE. - -_Kitchener._ I agree. You will be attached to Sir JOHN'S -Staff, with the rank of Major. I shall require you to leave for the -Front to-night. Good day, Major. - - [_We salute each other, and the scene changes._ - -AT GENERAL HEADQUARTERS. - -_French._ Ah, how do you do, Major? We have been waiting for you. - -_Myself._ How do you do, Sir? (_To_ JOFFRE, _slowly_) _Comment -vous portéz-vous?_ - -_Joffre._ Thank you; I speak English. - -_Myself_ (_a little disappointed_). Good. - -_French._ Now then, Major, let us hear your plan. - -_Myself._ Well, roughly it is a broad sweeping move----I _beg_ your -pardon, Sir! - -_Joffre_ (_with native politeness_). Not at all, Monsieur. - -_Myself_ (_stepping back so as to have more room_)--a broad sweeping -movement. More particularly my idea is---- - -[It is a curious thing, but I can never remember the rest of this -speech when I wake up. I know it disclosed a very masterly piece of -tactics ... the region of the Argonne ... a _point d'appui_.... No, it -has gone again. But I fancy the word "wedge" came in somewhere.] - -_French._ Marvellous! - -_Joffre._ _Magnifique!_ - -_Myself_ (_modestly_). Of course it's only an idea I jotted down on the -boat, but I think there's something in it. - -_French._ My dear Major, you have saved Europe. - -_Joffre_ (_unpinning medal from his coat_). In the name of France I -give you this. But you have a medal already, Monsieur? - -_Myself_ (_proudly_). My special constable's badge, General. I shall be -proud to see the other alongside it. - -_The scene fades._ - -[I can only suppose that at this moment I am moved by the desire to -save useless bloodshed, for I next find myself with the enemy.] - -AT POTSDAM. - -_Kaiser_ (_eagerly_). Ah, my good TIRPITZ, what news of our -blockade? - -_Myself_ (_removing whiskers_). No, WILLIAM, not -TIRPITZ! - -_Kaiser._ An Englishman! - -_Myself._ An Englishman--and come to beg you to give up the struggle. - -_Kaiser._ Never, while there is breath in man or horse! - -_Myself._ One moment. Let me tell you what is about to happen. On my -advice the Allies are making a broad swee---- Put back your sword, -Sire. I am not going to strike you--a broad sweeping movement through -Germany. - -_Kaiser_ (_going pale_). We are undone. It is the end of all. And this -was _your_ idea? - -_Myself._ My own, your Majesty. - -_Kaiser_ (_eagerly_). Would an Iron Cross and a Barony tempt you to -join us? Only a brain like yours could defeat such a movement. - -_Myself_ (_with dignity_). As a Major and a gentleman---- - -_Kaiser._ Enough. I feared it was useless. _(Gloomily)_ We surrender. - -_The scene closes._ - -[The final scene is not so clear in my memory that I can place it with -confidence upon paper. But the idea of it is this.] - -AT ---- PALACE. - -_A Certain Person._ Your country can never sufficiently reward you, -Major, but we must do what we can. I confer on you the V.C., the -D.S.O., the M.V.O., the P.T.O. and the P. and O. The payment of a -special grant of £5,000 a year for life will be proposed in the House -to-morrow. - -_Myself._ Thank you, Sir. As for the grant, I shall value it more for -the spirit which prompted it than for its actual---- Did you say _five_ -thousand, Sir? - -[At this point I realise with horror that I have only a very short vest -on, and with a great effort I wake.... The papers seem very dull at -breakfast.] - - A. A. M. - - * * * * * - -THE SOLDIER'S ENGLAND. - - My England was a draper's shop, - And seemed to be the place to fit - My size of man; and I'd to stop - And make believe I fancied it-- - That and a yearly glimpse of mountain blue, - A book or two. - - A bigger England stirs afloat. - I see it well in one who's come - From where he left his home and boat - By Cornish coasts, whose rollers drum - Their English music on an English shore - Right at his door. - - And one who's left the North a spell - Has found an England he can love, - Hacking out coal. He's learnt her well - Though mines are narrow and, above, - The dingy houses set in dreary rows, - Seem all he knows. - - The one of us who's travelled most - Says England, stretching far beyond - Her narrow borders, means a host - Of countries where her word's her bond - Because she's steadfast, everywhere the same, - To play the game. - - Our college chum (my mate these days) - Thinks England is a garden where - There blooms in English speech and ways, - Nurtured in faith and thought we share, - A fellowship of pride we make our own, - And ours alone. - - And England's all we say, but framed - Too big for shallow words to hold. - We tell our bit and halt, ashamed, - Feeling the things that can't be told; - And so we're one and all in camp to-night, - And come to fight. - - * * * * * - - "No judgment of recent years has aroused more widespread interest - than that of Mr. Justice Bargrave Deane, in which he decided that the - Slingsby baby was the son of his mother."--_Evening News._ - -Wonderful men our judges. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Doctor._ "YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT NOW, AND I HAVE MUCH -PLEASURE IN RETURNING YOU THE TWO SOVEREIGNS WHICH I FOUND SHOT INTO -YOU WITH THE PURSE." - -_Sergeant._ "THANK YOU, SIR; I DON'T CALL HALF A QUID DEAR FOR -DOIN' THAT JOB." - -_Doctor._ "I DON'T FOLLOW YOU." - -_Sergeant._ "WELL, I HAD TWO-POUND-TEN IN THAT PURSE."] - - * * * * * - -HOW TO DEAL WITH SUBMARINES. - - ["_The Syren and Shipping_ offers £500 to the captain, officers and - crew of the first British merchant vessel which succeeds in sinking a - German submarine."--_The Times._] - -In order to assist captains of merchant ships to deal with raiding -submarines, a few suggestions and comments, which it is hoped will be -helpful, are offered by our Naval Expert. - -In the absence of a 4·7 naval gun, a provision suggested as useful by -a writer in _The Times_, any 13-inch shells that you happen to have on -board might be hoisted over the side, disguised as bunches of bananas, -and dropped on to the offending submarine. If this does not sink her at -once, additional bunches should be dropped. - -But before disposing of your shells be sure that your submarine is -close alongside. In case she should hold off, let the first mate beckon -to her, in a manner as nonchalant as possible, to come closer. - -When the enemy boards your ship, the captain should endeavour to -interest the boarding party with the latest war news from German -bulletins, whilst the bo'sun, the second steward and the stewardess, -with the aid of peashooters, pour liquid explosive down the submarine's -periscope. - -If you are fortunate enough to have on board one of those trained -sea lions which have been showing for some years at the music-halls, -you need not trouble to practise the subterfuges given above. On the -enemy's submarine making her appearance on the starboard side you -should lower your sea lion over the port side, preferably near the -stern, having previously attached to it a bomb connected with wires to -a battery. When the sea lion is close to the submarine just press the -button. Possibly you will lose your pet, but the general result should -be satisfactory. - -Owing to unavoidable circumstances you may not be able to put into -practice any of these hints. If that be so, when the enemy comes -aboard, work up a heated discussion on the origin of the War. If -skilfully managed, you should draw into the discussion the entire -company of the submarine, with the result that you will make time and -possibly be got out of your difficulty by one of our patrol ships. - -Should all and every one of these expedients be useless, as a forlorn -hope you should read aloud the appropriate clauses of the Hague -Convention, and at the same time take the names and addresses of the -boarding party for future reference. - -If you have an amateur photographer aboard, let him get going. The -payment made by illustrated papers for pictures that reproduce the -sinking of your ship will probably exceed the value of the ship, so -that in any case your owners will not lose by the deal. - -But it is always best, where possible, to sink the submarine. - - * * * * * - -From a letter in _The Liverpool Echo_:-- - - "At a time like this we must be prepared to have our prejudices - shattered. When the whole world has been turned upside down, is it - fair that women should be left standing still?" - -It is a delicate question, and the women must be left to take up their -own position in the matter. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Village Constable_ (_to the Vicar, who has been -hurrying to fetch fire engine_). "SO YOUR 'OUSE IS AFIRE, IS IT? -AH! I'VE BIN A-WATCHIN' THAT LIGHT. DIDN'T EXPECT TO RUN INTO _ME_, DID -YOU? 'OW'M I TO KNOW YOU BAIN'T SIGNALLIN' TO GERMANY?"] - - * * * * * - -JOHNSON. - - When the task of training scholars Johnson manfully essayed - At a school whose Eton collars were the finest ever made, - It was largely lack of dollars drove him to the teaching trade. - - Nature meant, had Fate allowed, him to command a t.b.d., - Both his parents gladly vowed him to the service of the sea, - But the Navy doctors ploughed him for some _itis_ of the knee. - - Yet, in spite of this embargo, he had spent each Oxford vac. - In a tramp as supercargo or on board a fishing-smack, - Till of sailors' lore and _argot_ he was full as he could pack. - - In the sphere of gerund-grinding Johnson wasn't a success; - Boys are overprone to finding fault with masters who transgress - Rules which they consider binding in regard to form and dress. - - Johnson's taste was always slightly _outré_ in his ties and caps; - Furthermore he never rightly saw the fun of booby traps; - And he clouted, none too lightly, boys who larked with watertaps. - - Some considered him half-witted, or at best a harmless freak; - Some reluctantly admitted that he knew a lot of Greek; - All agreed he was unfitted for the calling of a "beak." - - So, reluctantly returning to their mid-autumnal grind, - Nearly all the boys, on learning Mr. Johnson had resigned, - Showed the usual undiscerning acquiescence of their kind. - - Thus he passed unmourned, unheeded, by nine boys in ev'ry ten, - And as week to week succeeded, bringing Christmas near again, - Quite a miracle was needed to recall him to their ken. - - Deeds that merit lasting glory almost daily leap to light; - But one morning brought a story which was "excellently bright," - And the Head, _rotunda ore_, read it out in Hall that night. - - 'Twas a tale of nerve unshrinking--of a "sweeper" off the Tyne, - Which had rescued from a sinking trawler, shattered by a mine, - Though a submarine was slinking in her wake, a crew of nine. - - Well, you won't be slow in guessing at the gallant skipper's name, - Or from whom the most caressing message to the hero came-- - Boys are generous in redressing wrongs for which they are to blame. - - Johnson still continues "sweeping," in the best of trim and cheer, - As indifferent to reaping laurels as immune from fear, - While five hundred boys are keeping friendly watch on his career. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE OUTCAST. - -A PLACE IN THE SHADOW.] - - * * * * * - -ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. - -(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) - -_House of Commons, Tuesday, 2nd February._--First business on -resumption of sittings after Recess was issue of writ for election of -Member for Shipley Division of Yorkshire to fill the seat of PERCY -ILLINGWORTH, whose place on Treasury Bench and in Whips' Room will -know him no more. - -Herein a tragedy notable even amid absorbing interest of the War. When -in last week of November House adjourned for recess, the CHIEF -LIBERAL WHIP was in what seemed to be perfection of health. A -little tired perhaps with exhausting labour of prolonged Session, but -cheerily looking forward to interval of comparative rest. Physically -and intellectually in the prime of life, he had happy constitutional -turn of making the best of everything. A good sportsman, a famed -footballer, healthy in mind and body, he habitually counteracted -influence of sedentary life by outdoor exercise. If one had cast an eye -round Benches on both sides and estimated which was the most likely -man for whose county or borough a writ would, on reassembling of -Parliament, be moved to fill vacancy created by his death, one would -last of all have thought of PERCY ILLINGWORTH. - -Two years ago selection by PRIME MINISTER of a young, -comparatively unknown, inexperienced man to fill important post of -Chief Ministerial Whip was regarded with some surprise. That shrewd -judge of character and capacity as usual justified by the event, -ILLINGWORTH speedily made his mark. Courteous in manner, frank -in speech, swift and capable in control of circumstance, he gained, -and in increasing measure maintained, that confidence and personal -popularity indispensable to the successful Whip. - -Pleasant for his many friends to think that he lived long enough -to have conferred upon him a Privy Councillorship--a simple title, -but good enough for PEEL and GLADSTONE, and for -DIZZY throughout the plenitude of his prime. - -It was not without emotion that GULLAND, promoted to the Chair -in the Whips' Room vacated by his esteemed Leader, moved the writ. He -was comforted and encouraged by hearty cheers, not wholly confined to -Ministerial side, approving the PREMIER'S choice. - -Full but not crowded attendance such as usually foregathers on -opening days of the school at Westminster. Khaki-clad warriors moving -about House and Lobbies with martial step suggested explanation of -falling-off. Two hundred Members are at the Front on active service, a -score or more engaged in civilian service in connection with the War. - -Business brief, curiously lifeless. Only one Question on Printed Paper -where in ordinary times not unusual to find two hundred. On motion -for adjournment, made within twenty minutes of SPEAKER'S -taking the Chair, number of desultory topics were introduced by way of -cross-examination of Ministers. No disposition shown to pursue them in -controversial mood. At 4.30 House adjourned. - -[Illustration: PROMOTED TO THE CHAIR IN THE WHIPS' ROOM. - -(MR. J. W. GULLAND.)] - -[Illustration: ON THE OLD TACK. - -(MR. GINNELL.)] - -_Business done._--Both Houses reassembled after Winter Recess. In -Commons PREMIER announced that Government will take the whole -time for official business. Private Members and their Bills thus -shunted, it will not be necessary to meet on Fridays. - -_Wednesday._--Gloom that lies like a pall over House momentarily lifted -by unexpected agency. As at the circus when things are drifting into -dullness the Clown suddenly enters, displacing monotony by merriment, -so when Questions about enemy alien and the sacredness of the rights of -private Members had droned along for some time Mr. GINNELL, -who classifies himself as "an Independent Nationalist," presented -himself from below Gangway. First distinguished himself above common -horde on occasion of election of SPEAKER at opening sitting of -present Parliament. The SPEAKER being as yet non-existent, the -authority of the Chair undelegated, he had House at his mercy. Might -talk as long as he pleased, say what he thought proper, with none to -call him to order. Used opportunity to make violent personal attack on -SPEAKER-DESIGNATE. - -Up again now on same tack. Appears that yesterday he handed in at -the Table two Bills he proposed to carry through. No record of the -procedure on to-day's Paper. Mr. GINNELL smelt a rat. He -"saw it moving in the air" in person of the SPEAKER, who -was "perverting against the House powers conferred on him for the -maintenance of its functions and its privileges." Mr. GINNELL -not sort of man to stand this. Proposed to indict SPEAKER for -misconduct. But not disposed to be unreasonable; always ready to oblige. - -"If," he said, addressing the SPEAKER, "I should be out of -order now, may I to-morrow call attention to your conduct in the Chair?" - -SPEAKER cautiously replied that before ruling on the point he -would like to see the terms of motion put down on the Paper. - -Thereupon Mr. GINNELL proceeded to read a few remarks not -entirely complimentary to the SPEAKER, which for greater -accuracy he had written out on what PRINCE ARTHUR once alluded -to as a sheet of notepaper. Holding this firmly with both hands, lest -some myrmidon of the Chair should snatch it from him, he emphasised -his points by bobbing it up and down between his chin and his knee. -Whilst primarily denunciatory of the SPEAKER he had a word to -say in reproof of PRIME MINISTER, whose concession to private -Members of opportunity for an hour's talk on motion for adjournment -he described as being "like cutting off a private Member's head, then -clipping off a portion of his ear and throwing it to his relatives." - -_Business done._--Without division House consented that Government -business shall have precedence on every day the House sits. -PREMIER in exquisite phrases lamented the early cutting-off -of PERCY ILLINGWORTH, of whom he said: "No man had imbibed -and assimilated with more zest and sympathy that strange, indefinable, -almost impalpable atmosphere compounded of old traditions and of -modern influences which preserves, as we all of us think, the unique -but indestructible personality of the most ancient of the deliberative -assemblies of the world." - -Impossible more fully and accurately to describe that particular -quality of the House of Commons which every one who intimately knows it -feels but would hesitate to attempt to define. - -_Thursday._--Noble Lords are studiously and successfully disposed to -conceal passing emotion. Masters of themselves though China fall, -even should it drag down with it Japan and Korea. Return of Lord -LANSDOWNE after prolonged bout of illness, an event so popular -that it broke through this iron shield of hereditary conventionality. -His reappearance welcomed from both sides with hearty cheer, in volume -more nearly approaching House of Commons habit than what is familiar in -the Lords. - -LEADER OF OPPOSITION is unquestionably one of the most highly -esteemed among Peers. There have been crises in history of present -Parliament when, through attitude taken by extreme partisans, he has -found himself in difficult situation. Invariably circumvented it. -Without making pretension to be a Parliamentary orator--pretension of -any kind is foreign to his nature--he has the gift of saying the right -thing in appropriate words at the proper moment. Looks a little worn -down with long seclusion in sick chamber. But, as the House noticed -with satisfaction gracefully reflected by Lord CREWE, "is -unimpaired in his power of Parliamentary expression." - -This afternoon, to debate on Lord PARMOOR'S Bill amending -Defence of Realm Act he contributed a weighty speech instinct with -sound constitutional principles. - -_Business done._--In Commons MCKENNA found opportunity of -refuting by statement of simple facts circumstantial fables about Home -Office patronage of ex-German waiters. Supplementary Estimates for -Civil Service voted. House counted out at 5.40. Adjourned till Monday. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: PEOPLE WHO OUGHT TO BE INTERNED. - -"I MIGHT LET HAROLD GO TO THE FRONT IF I THOUGHT IT REALLY -NECESSARY. BUT THERE ARE SO MANY BOYS WHO ARE MORE USED TO ROUGHING. -YOU SEE, HAROLD HAS BEEN SO VERY CAREFULLY BROUGHT UP."] - - * * * * * - -ST. VALENTINE'S DAY, 1915. - -_A Missive from the Front._ - - Ere the first grey dawn has banished - Restless night and her alarms, - When the sleeper's snores have vanished - On the order "Stand to arms!" - When the sky is bleak and dreary - And the rain is chill and thin, - Be I ne'er so damp and weary, - Yet my thoughts on You I pin. - - When the bullets fly unheeded - O'er the meagre parapet, - As I pace my ditch impeded - By the squelching mud and wet; - When I eat my Army ration - With my fingers caked in clay-- - You can stake your total cash on - Me remembering You this day. - - Though the glittering knight whose charger - Bore him on his lady's quest - With an infinitely larger - Share of warfare's pomp was blest, - Yet he offered love no higher, - No more difficult to quench, - Than this filthy occupier - Of an unromantic trench. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Recruit_ (_who had given his age as 33 on enlistment_). -"DID YOU 'EAR THAT? TOLD ME MY BRIDLE WASN'T PUT ON RIGHT! BLESS -'IS BLOOMIN' INNOCENCE! AND ME BIN IN A RACIN' STABLE FOR THE LAST -FIVE-AND-THIRTY YEAR!"] - - * * * * * - -A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA. - -IV. - -MY DEAR _Mr. Punch_,--In case you formed any mental pictures -of my first Christmas as a Territorial in India, let me hasten to -assure you that every single one of them was wrong. I neither took -part in the uproarious festivities of the Barracks nor shared the more -dignified rejoicings of the Staff Office in which I am condemned for a -time to waste my military talents. An unexpected five days' holiday, -and a still more unexpected windfall of Rs. 4 as a Christmas Box -(fabulous gift for an impecunious private) enabled me to pay a visit -to some relatives, who live at, well ----. One has to be careful. The -Germans are getting desperate, and they would give worlds to know -exactly where I am. - ----- is a place rich in historical interest and scenic beauties. -Freed from the rigid bonds of military discipline and the still more -hampering restrictions of official routine, I was at liberty to enjoy -them to the full. It was the opportunity of a lifetime to see something -of the real India. Did I take it? No, _Mr. Punch_, to be honest, I did -not. - -After hundreds of years (so it seems) of Army active service rations, -of greasy mess tins and enamelled iron mugs, I found myself suddenly -confronted by civilised food waiting to be eaten in a civilised -fashion. And I fell. Starting with _chota hazri_ at 7 A.M., I -ate steadily every day till midnight. That is how I spent my holiday. I -may as well complete this shameful confession; it was the best time I -ever had in my life. - -I feel confident that my stomachic feats will never be forgotten in -----. I shouldn't be surprised if in years to come the natives are -found worshipping a tree trunk or stone monolith rudely carved into the -semblance of an obese Territorial. It is pleasant to think that one may -even have founded a new religion. - -But I am grieved and troubled about one thing. I ate plantains and -guavas and sweet limes and Cape gooseberries and pomolos and numberless -other Indian fruits (O bliss!), but not custard apples. Custard apples, -it appears, are the best of all, and they went out of season just -before I arrived in India and will not come into season again for -months and months. - -I am confident that you will appreciate my predicament. I want the War -to finish quickly, but I want to eat custard apples. I want to get to -the Front and have a go at the Germans, but I desire passionately to -eat custard apples. I want to get home again to you, but after all I -have heard about them I feel that my life will have been lived in vain -if I do not eat custard apples. It is a trying position. - -Home was very much in my thoughts at Christmas time. The fact of having -relatives around me, the plum pudding, the mince pies, the mistletoe, -the clean plates, the china cups and saucers, the crackers, the -cushions, the absence of stew,--all these and many other circumstances -served to remind me vividly of the old life in England. And when -regretfully I left ----, and (like a true soldier cheerfully running -desperate risks) travelled back in a first-class carriage with a -third-class ticket, I found at the Office yet another reminder of home -and the old days. My kindly colleagues had determined that I should not -feel I was in a strange land amid alien customs. They had let all the -work accumulate while I was away and had it waiting for me in a vast -pile on my return. - -That is why this is such a short letter. - - Yours ever, - - ONE OF THE _PUNCH_ BRIGADE. - - * * * * * - -THE CHEERY DOGS. - -I.--_Mr. A._ - -"Well, what have we done?--that's what I want to know. Where are the -Germans? In France and Belgium. Where are we? This side of them. Where -is their Navy? Still only too active. And so it goes on. My dear -fellow, I like to be cheerful, but you give me no material to do it on. -The cold truth is that we are just where we were months ago. 'Time is -on our side,' you say. May be; but the War can't go on for ever, and -meanwhile look at things here--food rising, coal rising, distress all -around. What do you think the income-tax is going to be soon? Ha! Still -it does not do to air these opinions and doubts. We must all be gay. -That is our first duty." - -II.--_Mr. B._ - -"Yes, of course there's Russia, as you say. But what is Russia? You -know what Russia is. They've no heart in fighting, and I'm told that -many personages in high places, and one very high indeed, are moving -at this moment towards peace. That would be a nice thing, wouldn't it? -It would liberate all the East frontier men and guns to come over to -the West. And there's another thing about Russia too--how is it to get -any more ammunition into the country with Archangel frozen? I suppose -you know that we have been supplying them with ammunition ever since -the start; and there's precious little left, I can tell you. You didn't -know that? You surprise me. No, it doesn't do to lean too much on -Russia. And money too. Where is that coming from? For ultimately, you -know, all wars are fought with money. We shall have to find that too. -So it isn't too easy to grin, is it? And yet I flatter myself that I -succeed in conveying an impression of distinct optimism." - -III.--_Mr. C._ - -"Well, of course, if all the naturalised Germans in this country are -not interned we have only ourselves to thank if we are completely -conquered. Think of the terrible advantage to the enemy to have waiters -spying on the guests in hotels and at once communicating with Berlin! -What chance have we if that kind of thing goes on? I was in an hotel at -Aylesbury only yesterday, and I am sure a waiter there was a German, -although he was called Swiss. He watched everything I ate. I tell you -there are German spies everywhere. What can a waiter at Aylesbury -tell Berlin? Ah! that's what we don't understand. But something of -the highest moment and all to our disadvantage in war. But we have -spies too? Never. I can't believe that England would ever be clever -enough to make use of any system of secret service. No, Sir, we're back -numbers. Still, it mustn't get out. We must all pretend, as I do, that -everything is all right." - -IV.--_Mr. D._ - -"I don't like the look of things in America, I can assure you. -Anything but satisfactory. DERNBURG'S a clever fellow and the -politicians can't forget what the German vote means to them. I see -nothing but trouble for us there. This Shipping Purchase Bill--that's -very grave, you know; and they don't like us--it's no use pretending -that they do. I read an extract only this morning from a most -significant article in _The Wells Fargo Tri-Weekly Leaflet_ which shows -only too clearly how the wind is blowing. No, I view America and its -share in the future with the gloomiest forebodings, although of course -I do my best to conceal them. To the world I turn as brave a face as -anyone, I trust." - -V.--_Mr. E._ - -"I don't doubt the bravery of the French; but what I do say is, where -is the advance we were promised? Nibbling is all very well, but -meanwhile men are dying by the thousand, and the Germans are still in -the invaded country. I hear too of serious disaffection in France. -There's a stop-the-war party there, growing in strength every day. -We'll have 'em here soon, mark my words. The French have no stomach for -long campaigns. They want their results quickly, and then back to their -meals again. I take a very serious view of the situation, I can tell -you, although I do all I can to keep bright and hopeful, and disguise -my real feelings." - -VI.--_Mr. F._ - -"This activity of the German submarines is most depressing. Man for -man we may have a better navy, but when it comes to submarines they -beat us. What kind of chance have we against these stealthy invisible -death-dealers? They're the things that are going to do for us. I can -see it coming. But I keep the fact to myself as much as possible--one -must not be a wet blanket." - -VII.--_Mr. G._ - -"If only we had a decent government, instead of this set of weaklings, -I should feel more secure. But with this Cabinet--some of them -pro-Germans at heart, if the truth were known--what can you expect? -Still, one must not drag party politics in now. We must be solid for -the country, and if anyone raises his voice against the Liberals in my -presence he gets it hot, I can tell you. None the less a good rousing -attack by BONAR LAW on the Government, root and branch, every -few days would be a grand thing. As I always say, the duty of the -Opposition is to oppose." - -And these are not all. - - * * * * * - -REVERSES. - -(_From the Front._) - - Just a line to let you know, Jim, howall goes. - Well, in spite of Bosches, rain and mud and muck, - I've had nothing to complain of as I knows - Till last week, when comes a run of rotten luck. - - First, a Black Maria busts aside o' me, - And I lost, well, I should say a hundred fags! - Then I goes and drops a fine mouth-organ--see? - And it sinks in one of these here slimy quags. - - Then I chucks my kit down when we charged next day - (You've no use for eighty pounds odd when you sprints), - And while we was at it, what d' yer think, mate, eh? - Why, some blighter pinched my tin o' peppermints! - - Crool luck, warn't it? But I'm pretty bobbish still-- - Here's the Surgeon come, a very decent bloke; - I'm in horspital, I should 'a' said--not ill, - Just my right leg crocked and four or five ribs broke. - - * * * * * - -First Lessons in Seamanship. - -Extract from the CHURCHILL interview:-- - - "Pacing his room thoughtfully, Mr. Churchill paused before a globe - which he twirled round in his fingers like the rudder of a ship." - - * * * * * - -This is "What 'Roger' Hears" in _The Northampton Daily Chronicle_:-- - - "That a burglar entered 34, Birchfield road, Northampton, last - evening, and decamped with several articles of jewellery while the - residents, Mr. and Mrs. Mace, were out for an hour and a half. - - That the Belgian guests who are being so generously entertained by the - Mount Pleasant friends were present, and rendered musical items." - -On police whistles, we hope. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Small boy._ "WHAT'S ON THE POSTER, MOTHER?" - -_Mother._ "ONLY 'MORE GAINS AND LOSSES,' BUT WHETHER ON OUR SIDE OR -THE OTHER IT DOESN'T SAY."] - - * * * * * - -BROKEN MELODIES. - -"Aren't music publishers maddening?" said Clarice. "Here's a tune that -promises awfully well, and breaks off suddenly." - -I went over to the piano. - -On the music-rest was a sheet of music, back to front, showing the -opening bars of several songs the publishers wished to commend to our -notice; appetisers, as it were. - -Clarice played the opening bars, the only ones which were given. - -"Please continue," I said; "I'm beginning to like it already." - -"How can I?" said Clarice. "How do I know how it goes on? It's simply -maddening." - -"Aren't there any rules?" I said. "What I mean is, don't certain notes -follow certain other notes?" - -"Not necessarily," said Clarice. "Why should they?" - -"Why shouldn't they?" I persisted. "In hockey, footer, billiards and -the other arts certain movements are inevitably followed by certain -consequences. It ought to be the same in music. However, as a poet -it is the words which really interest me. Listen to this: '_Somebody -whispered to me yestre'en, Somebody whispered to me, And my heart gave -a flutter and_--' Ah, of course I know--_and I trod on the butter_." - -"_Which soon wasn't fit to be seen_," said Clarice. - -"Bravo," I said, "very soulful. Now look at the one above it: '_The -rosy glow of summer is on thy dimpled cheek, While_----' There's a -poser for you." - -"Oh, how pretty!" said Clarice. "And listen to the tune." She played -what notes there were two or three times over. "I really must get that -one," she added. - -"Do," I said. "I should like to hear more about that girl. These -publishers know how to whet one's appetite, don't they? By Jove, here's -a gem--'_I sat by the window dreaming, In the hush of eventide, Of -the_----' Now what does one dream about at that time?" - -"You dream of dinner chiefly, I've noticed," said Clarice. - -"That's the idea," I said. "_Of the soup (tomato) steaming, The steak -and mushrooms fried._ Who's the publisher?" - -"Crammer," said Clarice. - -I took up another sheet of music and hunted for more treasure. "Here's -something fruity," I said, "published by Scarey and Co.: '_Oh, the -lover hills are happy at the dawning of the day; There are winds to -kiss and bless us, there is_----'" - -"What?" said Clarice. - -"How should I know?" I said. "Let's get the song and find out. Get them -all, in fact." - -"Do you think we ought to?" said Clarice. - -"Yes, certainly," I said. "It's good for trade. My motto is 'Music as -Usual during the War.'" - - * * * * * - -The Contractor's Touch. - -From a label on a tin of Army jam:-- - - "DAMSON AND APPLE, - - From Seville Oranges and Refined Sugar only." - -Thus monotony is avoided. - - * * * * * - - "In standing at ease recruits _will_ not carry the left leg twelve - paces to the left, and balance the body on both legs equally."--_Royal - Magazine._ - -Probably they think that they would not feel really at ease if they -did. Personally we find that two paces and a half is our limit. - - * * * * * - -MORE THAN TWO. - -_Host._ No, please don't sit there. - -_1st Guest._ Oh yes, I much prefer it. - -_2nd Guest._ Do let me. - -_Host._ I can't have you sitting there. - -_1st Guest._ I assure you I like being back to the driver. - -_Host._ No, if anyone sits there, naturally it must be me. - -_2nd Guest._ Do let me. - -_1st Guest._ Not at all. - -_2nd Guest._ I assure you I prefer it too. - -_Host._ No, sit here. When you're both comfortably settled, I'll get in. - -_1st Guest._ Oh no, please. I'm sure you never sit there. I hate to -take away your own place. - -_2nd Guest._ Do let me. - -_Host._ I insist. - -_1st Guest._ Please don't say any more about it. See, I'm in now and -quite comfy. - -_Host._ It's very wrong of you to be there. - -_2nd Guest._ Do let me. - -_Host._ Can't I persuade you to change? - -_1st Guest._ No. - -_2nd Guest._ Do let me. - -_Host._ Well, it's very wrong. I know that. - -_1st Guest_. Please let us get on now. I never was more comfy in my -life. - -_Host._ You're sure? - -_2nd Guest._ Do let me. - -_Host._ But it's most unsatisfactory. - -_1st Guest._ Not at all. - -_Host._ Then you're sure you're all right? - -_1st Guest._ Absolutely. I love it here. - -_Host._ Very well then. (_Sighs._) - -_2nd Guest._ Do let me. - -_1st Guest._ No, we're all fixed now. - -_Host._ All right. (_To chauffeur_) Let her go! (_To 1st Guest_) It's a -great shame, though. - -_1st Guest._ I love it. - -_2nd Guest._ I do wish you had let me. - -And that is what happens whenever three polite people are about to ride -in a motor-car. - - * * * * * - -Shares. - - "A purse, containing sum of money; owner can have some."--_Advt. in - "Portsmouth Evening News._" - -And the finder may keep the rest for his trouble. - - * * * * * - -_The Daily Chronicle_ (Kingston, Jamaica) says of the new Military -Decoration:-- - - "It is of silver, and bears the imperial crown on each arm and in the - centre the letters 'G.R.I.' (George, ex-Imperator)." - -At least that's WILLIAM'S interpretation of it. - - * * * * * - -AT THE PLAY. - -"A BUSY DAY." - -I have always wanted to be a grocer. To spend the morning arranging -the currants in the window; to spend the afternoon recommending (with -a parent's partiality) such jolly things as bottled gooseberries and -bloater paste; to spend the evening examining the till and wondering if -you have got off the bad half-crown yet--that is a life. Many grocers, -I believe, do not realise it, and envy (foolishly enough) the dramatic -critic, knowing little of the troubles hidden behind his apparently -spotless shirt-front; but even they will admit that to be a grocer for -an hour would be fun. - -[Illustration: CLEAN BRITISH HUMOUR. - -(_As the saying is._) - -MR. HAWTREY AND MISS COMPTON EXCHANGE BADINAGE OVER A BAR OF -SOAP.] - -And that (very nearly) was _Lord Charles Temperleigh's_ luck. Being a -spendthrift he was kept at The Bungalow, Ashford, without money; he -escaped to the shop of his old nurse at Mudborough, with the idea of -borrowing from her--and if you are a clever dramatist you can easily -arrange that he should be left alone in the shop and mistaken for the -genuine salesman. Unfortunately for my complete happiness (and no doubt -_Lord Charles's_ too) the shop was a chandler's; however, if that is -not the rose, it is at least very near it. The chandler sells soap and -the grocer sells cheese, and you can make a joke about the likeness as -Mr. R. C. CARTON did. And if _Lord Charles_ should happen to -be Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY and he should be accompanied by Miss -COMPTON, you can understand that this and other jokes would -lose nothing in their delivery. - -Yet somehow the shop scene was not the success it should have -been. The First and Third Acts were better; they left more to Mr. -HAWTREY. When Mr. CARTON is trying to be funny, -even Mr. HAWTREY cannot help him much; but when he is taking -it easily then he and Mr. HAWTREY together are delightful. -Mr. EDWARD FITZGERALD as an Irish waiter was a joy. Miss -COMPTON was Miss COMPTON; if you like her (as I -do), then you like her. The others had not much chance. It is a -HAWTREY evening, and (as such) an oasis in a desert of War -thoughts. - - M. - - * * * * * - -A PRELUDE. - - ["Birds in London are already growing alive to the approach of - Spring."--_The Times._] - - A portly, fancy-vested thrush, - That carolled, on a wintry spray, - A crazy song of Spring-time--Hush! - No, not the one - By MENDELSSOHN - Victorian Britons used to play, - But just the sort of casual thing - An absent-minded bird might sing. - - Observing whom--"Alas," I said, - "Good friend, how premature your theme! - By some phenomenon misled, - You've overshot - The date a lot; - Things are so seldom what they seem!" - "Then hear the simple truth," quoth he, - "For that's another rarity. - - "There is a foreign, furious man, - That sends great engines through the air - To deal destruction where they can, - To rain their fires - On ancient spires, - Ousting the birds that settle there, - And agitates, of fixed intent, - Our pleasaunce in the firmament. - - "And everybody says the Spring - Will see him pay the price of it, - So that is why I choose to sing - What isn't true-- - But as for you, - Be off and do your little bit! - It's not for you to stand and quiz-- - The season's _what I say it is!_" - - * * * * * - - "A Chicago Reuter message says that Hugh Henderson has won the - American draughts championship by defeating Alfred Jordan, the London - champion. - - Draught horses were in most demand at Aldridge's, St. Martin's-lane, - yesterday, and the sums obtained ranged from 30gs. to 49gs." - - _Daily Telegraph_. - -The forty-nine guinea one has challenged HUGH HENDERSON. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _East Coast Farmer._ "HAVE I REALLY TO DO THIS WI' -ALL MY BEASTS, IF SO BE AS THE GERMANS LAND IN THESE PARTS?" - -_Officer._ "YES. LIVE STOCK OF EVERY DESCRIPTION HAS TO BE BRANDED -AND DRIVEN WEST." - -_Farmer._ "I CAN SEE MY WAY ALL RIGHT EXCEPT FOR MY BEES. WHAT AM I -TO DO WI' MY BEES?"] - - * * * * * - -OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. - -(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) - -There are few living writers of romance who can carry the sword and -doublet with the ease of Miss MARJORIE BOWEN. She has long -since proved herself a practised mistress of mediævalism, and _The -Carnival of Florence_ (METHUEN) finds her therefore on sure -ground. It is a pleasantly stimulating tale of love and adventure -in the days of SAVONAROLA. The heroine is one _Aprilis_, a -fair Florentine whose matrimonial affairs were complicated by the -fact that early in the story she had been abducted (strictly _pour -le bon motif_ in order to score off the gentleman to whom she was -then engaged) by the too notorious PIERO DEI MEDICI. The -unfortunate results were twofold, for though _Aprilis_ was returned -unharmed to her father's house her noble betrothed would have no more -of her, so she had to put up with another husband who took her for -charity, and to suffer in addition the pangs of unrequited love for the -Lord of Florence whom she was unable to forget. What happened--how the -MEDICI were turned from their heritage, and the part played in -all this by the grim Revivalist of San Marco--is the matter of a story -well worth reading. As is his way with tales in which he appears, the -figure of SAVONAROLA comes gradually to dominate the whole; -did he not even master GEORGE ELIOT? The present story is -dedicated "In Memory of Florence, Summer 1914." Presumably, therefore, -Miss BOWEN shares with me certain memories that have been very -vividly recalled by her pages--memories of a June evening when, as -in the days of which she writes, the Piazza della Signoria echoed to -the clash of swords and the tumult of an angry mob. That it has thus -reminded me of what would, but for greater happenings since, have been -one of my most thrilling chimney-corner reminiscences, is among the -pleasures that I owe to a stirring and successful novel. - - * * * * * - -Among my favourite gambits in fiction is the return to his impoverished -home of one who left it a supposed wastrel, and has now lots and lots -of money. Personally, if I have a preference, it is that my wanderer -should be at first unrecognised; but I am perhaps too fastidious. -Certainly I am not going to complain about _Big Tremaine_ (MILLS -AND BOON) just because when he came back to the Virginian township -that he had quitted as a bank thief his old coloured nurse saw through -him in once. There is, of course, Homeric precedent for the situation; -it is one that, deftly handled, can scarcely fail of its effect. And -the story of _Big Tremaine_ is very deftly handled almost all through. -MARIE VAN VORST evidently knows the gentle Southern life -thoroughly; her pictures of it have served to increase my conviction -that Virginia must be one of the pleasantest places on earth. Not less -true and delicate is her treatment of the relations between masterful -_Tremaine_ and the gently obstinate mother who turns so slowly from -distrust to adoration of her returned son. There are, in short, a great -many qualities in this story that I have found vastly agreeable. Also -what seems to me one big defect. But as this latter is so far essential -that without it there would be no story I am unable further to tell -you about it. Still, I am bound to say that its revelation was a nasty -shock to my admiration, which had been roused more than anything else -by the sincerity and unconventionality of the argument. This is a -matter on which you shall pass your own verdict. Mine would be "A Happy -Ending committed through unjustified fear of the libraries"; and in -view of the charm of her earlier chapters I should discharge the author -with a friendly caution. - - * * * * * - -Most of us might freely confess to some vagueness in our minds as to -"the social and economic state of things in the Prairie Provinces of -the Dominion," and not a few of us are ready to spend five shillings -and a leisure hour or two in finding out for certain, if only to be -prepared with a refuge in the event of England being Teutonised. Miss -E. B. MITCHELL, the author of _In Western Canada Before the -War_ (MURRAY), knows her subject at first hand and deals -with the right matter in the right manner for our purpose; that is to -say, she is discriminating in her selection of topics and is always -pleasant if never violently exciting or amusing in her treatment of -them. The book is short, as such books should be; it does not pretend -to be exhaustive, yet it leaves a very clear and precise impression -on the mind. But (and every intelligent reader will have been waiting -for this "but") why on earth should it be called _In Western Canada -Before the War_, seeing that it was clearly written without any thought -of the present European conditions and would have been published just -about this time even if we had been at peace with everybody everywhere? -The only reference in point which I can recall is a passing wonder -expressed in a few lines as to what, if any, effect Armageddon will -have in Canada; this is hardly enough, I fancy, to justify the topical -suggestion of the cover. I cannot help feeling that the object of the -last three words of that title was less literary than commercial. - -[Illustration: _Voice on telephone (from Berlin)._ "WELL, HAVE YOU -DAMMED THE SUEZ CANAL YET?" - -_Turk._ "YES--OFTEN!"] - -_In the City of Under_ (ARNOLD) shows Miss EVELYNE -RYND to have quite a pretty talent in the not unattractive _genre_ -of fantastic incoherence something after the pattern of _The Napoleon -of Notting Hill_, though in a less robustious mood. But I doubt if -talent (however pretty) is altogether sufficient to carry the reader -through three hundred pages with no possible clue as to what it is -really all about. All the same I do, in justice and most gladly, say -that the author keeps one piqued to the extent of wishing to find -out; one also loses all suspicion of its being an improving book, -and distinctly likes that uncharacteristic Cheltenham boy, _Augustus -Clickson_, who helps little _John Hazard_ to find a job. _John_ was -very small and ineffectual and engaging, and his V.C. father had left -the family wofully ill off, and _John_ felt it was up to him to do -something about it. He meets the _Hawker_, who has a comforting habit -of turning up at odd moments and assuring people that there's a way out -of every difficulty, whereas the old lady, _Mrs. Letitlie_, asserted -roundly and frequently that there was none. Then we have a nice wild -unpractical Professor and a perplexed archæologist who get tangled in -the skein; as also a spy, and, in fact, any old person and thing that -occurred to the writer. There's enough good stuff and good humour in -this queer patchwork to make me sure that any defect is one merely -of form, and I would wager that it was the Notting Hill hero, before -alluded to, that was responsible for setting our author on a dangerous -path. - - * * * * * - -_The Seventh Post Card_ (GREENING) was one of a series written -anonymously, as harbingers of sudden death, to motor-car drivers whose -bad luck or bad management had made them run over a fellow-creature -with capital consequences. Capital, also, for helping on the plot -of the story; for the sudden death really did come off in such a -considerable number of cases that we should have been quite justified -in feeling worried when the delightful _Joanna_, driving the car -belonging to her equally delightful _Jack_, was unfortunate enough to -knock down a tramp; even though the immediate consequences when _Jack_ -found her awakening from unconsciousness by the roadside were--well, -delightful too, and such as could be expected. Indeed, the sadly-worn -word "delightful" seems somehow applicable to the entire string of -clues, deductions, inquests, murders and other horrid thrills, or, at -any rate, to Mr. FLOWERDEW'S telling of them. Is my capability -for melodramatic emotion declining, that I thread this maze of tragic -mystery in a mood no more intense than that of comfortable content? -Perhaps; or it may be only the soothing effect of the author's clean -English, coupled with the conviction that so long as he takes care to -keep _Sir Julian Daymont_--the famous novelist-detective--on their -side, no serious harm can come to the people we care about most. So, -although a really nasty charge of murdering his grandfather turns up -against the hero just when things (but for the number of pages left) -are beginning to look prosperous, I can defy you to get seriously -uneasy about his future; and, sure enough, _Sir Conan_--I mean _Sir -Julian_--solves the problem in convenient time to pack the lovers -safely off on their honeymoon. And, really, what more could you ask for? - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. -148, February 10, 1915, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 148, FEBRUARY 10, 1915 *** - -***** This file should be named 44933-8.txt or 44933-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/9/3/44933/ - -Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer -and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at -http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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