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-The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108,
-April 6, 1895, by Various
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
-almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
-re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
-with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
-
-
-Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, April 6, 1895
-
-Author: Various
-
-Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
-
-Release Date: February 13, 2014 [EBook #44887]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: UTF-8
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, APRIL 6, 1895 ***
-
-
-
-
-Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online
-Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
-
-
-
-
-
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44887 ***
 
 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
 
@@ -1268,359 +1236,4 @@ report progress."
 End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
 108, April 6, 1895, by Various
 
-*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, APRIL 6, 1895 ***
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+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44887 ***
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-The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108,
-April 6, 1895, by Various
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
-almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
-re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
-with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
-
-
-Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, April 6, 1895
-
-Author: Various
-
-Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
-
-Release Date: February 13, 2014 [EBook #44887]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, APRIL 6, 1895 ***
-
-
-
-
-Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online
-Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
-
-
-
-
-
-
-PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
-
-Volume 108, April 6, 1895.
-
-_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
-
-
-
-
-[Illustration: "ANIMAL SPIRITS."
-
-NO. X.--"EASY ALL!" PUMPED OUT]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-THE STUDIO SEEKER'S VADE MECUM.
-
-_Question._ On what occasions do you particularly seek the studios?
-
-_Answer._ On two Sundays in the year--the consecutive sabbaths devoted
-to the exhibition of proposed academy pictures by "Outsiders," and
-"A.'s," and "R.A.'s."
-
-_Q._ Do you haunt the abodes of artists at other times?
-
-_A._ Never; or, to cover all possibilities, hardly ever.
-
-_Q._ Then you are not a lover of paintings for their own sake?
-
-_A._ Certainly not; on the contrary, I am, as a rule, a better judge
-of frames than canvases.
-
-_Q._ Then why do you go to St. John's Wood, Chelsea and West
-Kensington?
-
-_A._ To see and be seen.
-
-_Q._ Is it necessary to know the artist whose pictures are "on view"?
-
-_A._ Certainly not. You can usually single him out by the absence
-of an overcoat, and can generally spot his wife and daughter by the
-non-appearance of promenading head-gear.
-
-_Q._ What have you to do when you have discovered your involuntary
-host and hostess?
-
-_A._ To shake hands with them with condescension, and partake of their
-refreshments with gusto.
-
-_Q._ Will this invasion of the domestic circle be resented?
-
-_A._ No; because it is highly probable that you will be mistaken for
-a newspaper Art critic, and respect for the Press in Art circles is
-universal.
-
-_Q._ Are not artists, as a body, a community of highly accomplished
-gentlemen?
-
-_A._ Certainly; and, consequently, on ordinary occasions entitled to
-well-merited respect.
-
-_Q._ Then why should that "well-merited respect" be refused to them a
-month before the May opening of Burlington House?
-
-_A._ Because it is the fashion.
-
-_Q._ Surely this fashion does not exist amongst the better classes of
-the community?
-
-_A._ To some extent; although it certainly is in greatest favour with
-cads and snobs, to say nothing of their female relations.
-
-_Q._ Has any effort been made to stem this tide of unauthorised and
-unwelcome invasion?
-
-_A._ In isolated cases the master of the studio has sought the
-protection of the police to keep his studio free of the unknown and
-the unknowable.
-
-_Q._ But could not the scandal be removed with the assistance of the
-leaders of Society?
-
-_A._ Assuredly. It would only have to become unfashionable to visit
-studios on the Show Sundays for the painter to be left at peace.
-
-_Q._ Would that be pleasing to the artists?
-
-_A._ That is the published opinion, but the matter has not been put
-absolutely to the test. However, the pleasure of the artists is not
-to be considered when the recreations of Brixton and Tooting are at
-stake.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-APRIL FOOLOSOPHY.
-
-(_By One of Them._)
-
-_Fools rush in where angels fear to tread._ Well, this only shows
-our valiant disregard of danger, our readiness of initiative, our
-championship of forlorn hopes. We are the heaven-sent leaders of all
-"New" enterprises, whether literary, theatrical, or artistic. It is
-we who penetrate the mysteries of Bodleyosophy, Beardsleyotechny, and
-Yellow Astrology. We are the real and only Mahatmaniacs, Sexomaniacs,
-Miasmaniacs. Among our ranks you will find the Women who Did, the
-anticonjuGallias, the shedonKeynotes, and all their attendant
-and Discordant tribe of Jack-asses. We are the elect and proper
-bell-wethers of mankind. Come to us, then, for guidance.
-
-_Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise._ Folly is therefore
-the true wisdom. However, this is an Oscarian paradox, which the
-Divine WILLIAMS has previously plagiarised, and enlarged on at some
-length, so we will pass on.
-
-_Fools build houses, but wise men live in them._ Exactly so; we are
-the architects of this generation. The wise man depends on us for his
-roof and lodging; and without us he would be homeless. We have built
-"Snookson's Folly" and "Babel Mansions"--half of London, in fact. The
-jerry-builders have done the rest.
-
-_A fool and his money are soon parted._ A compliment to our
-open-handed and indiscriminate generosity. It is we who swell the
-subscription list for the last new gold mine or building society;
-who subsidise insolvent South American Republics; who support the
-mendicant tramp and the deserving blackmailer.
-
-_There is no fool like an old fool._ That is, the quality of folly
-improves with keeping, like that of wine. The seniors of our class are
-thoroughly reliable old fools, and Past Grand Masters in the art of
-ineptitude. We, fools as we are, know how to pay the proper respect
-that is due to senility and second-childishness.
-
-_A fool at forty is a fool indeed._ This is a corollary of the
-preceding aphorism, for it is only at the age of two-score that we
-attain to years of full indiscretion. We develop later than the rest
-of humanity; we undergo a severe probation before our claim to the
-title of complete nincompoop is recognised. Before forty there is
-yet a chance that the budding ninny may desert, and degenerate into a
-prig, a Philistine, or a physician. After that age he is safe, and can
-be depended on for unwisdom, whereas your ordinary wiseacre cuts his
-back teeth and graduates in common-sense at twenty-one.
-
-Lastly, _Fools stand in slippery places_--where wise men tumble down;
-but this needs no further illustration than that provided years ago by
-C. K., in _Mr. Punch's_ pages.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-NOT FOR THEIR "BEN."--Judging from some of the evidence at the
-recent trial of _Tillett_ v. "_The Morning_" (_Limited_), it probably
-occurred to the unemployed dockers that they might have been well
-employed in "docking" B. T.'s salary.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-[Illustration: BISMARCK'S EIGHTIETH BIRTHDAY: A TARDY TRIBUTE.
-
-[Last week the Emperor of GERMANY presented Prince BISMARCK with a
-sword sheathed in gold as a birthday present.--_Vide Daily Papers._]
-
-A HISTORICAL PARALLEL.--"The notice you have been pleased to take of
-my labours, had it been early, had been kind; but it has been delayed
-till I am indifferent, and cannot enjoy it."--_Extract from Dr.
-Johnson's Letter to Lord Chesterfield, February 1755._]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-[Illustration: AN INNOCENT.
-
-_Sportsman_ (_who has been training a "Dark 'Un" of his own for the
-"Grand National"_). "THERE, MY BOY, THERE'S A FIFTY TO ONE CHANCE FOR
-YOU! NOW, JUST YOU TAKE MY ADVICE, AND GET ON AT ONCE!"
-
-_Little Greensmith._ "GET ON, EH? THANKY! PREFER TO SEE THE LAD ON
-HIM, THANKY!"]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-BISMARCK'S BIRTHDAY;
-
-_Or, a Tardy Tribute._
-
-    ["In the presence of this band I now come to hand my gift to
-    your Serene Highness. I could find no better present than a
-    sword, the noblest weapon of the Germans, a symbol of that
-    weapon which your Highness, with my blessed grandfather,
-    helped to forge, to sharpen, and also to wield--a symbol of
-    that great building-time during which the mortar was blood and
-    iron, a remedy which never fails."--_The German Emperor,
-    in presenting a Sword of Honour to Prince Bismarck, in
-    celebration of his eightieth birthday._]
-
-    ["The notice which you have been pleased to take of my
-    labours, had it been early, had been kind; but it has been
-    delayed till I am indifferent, and cannot enjoy it; till I am
-    solitary, and cannot impart it; till I am known, and do not
-    want it."--_Doctor Johnson to the Earl of Chesterfield._]
-
-  Not the Dropped Pilot now![A] The circling years
-    Bring their revenges, and to-day he stands,
-  Age-bowed but firm, amidst the ringing cheers
-    Of the young Monarch's mailed Germanic bands;
-  And with proud patience takes, from lesser hands,
-      The proffered Symbol-sword!
-  Grim face, with years and labours scarred and scored,
-  What marvel should those lines relax awhile
-      To a Saturnian smile?
-
-  Splendid old Sword-smith, WIELAND of our day,
-    Bestwielder of the matchless steel you made,
-  This "Sword of Honour" is but baby play
-    Compared with that tremendous Balsung-blade
-    Forged by the mightiest master of his trade
-      Since the great Norseman wrought,
-  For the fierce battle-field where Titans fought.
-  What may the shouting young AMILIAS know
-      Of its great swashing blow?
-
-  He prates of Brandenburg, Iron and Blood,
-    In swelling royal rhetoric, but _you_ hear
-  The clash of squadrons in war's sternest mood
-    In that "great building-time"; and the boy-cheer
-    Of him who, eager the State-bark to steer,
-      Snatched from your hands the helm,
-  Impetuous Palinurus of the realm,--
-  That cheer seems bitter and belated now,
-      Hollow, all sound and show!
-
-  You forged the blade he flourishes with pride,
-    That new Excalibur, "Unity"; you gave
-  That mighty weapon to Germania's side,
-    You and the iron comrades, silent, brave,
-    Who fought beneath the flag he loves to wave.
-      The man of scanty speech,
-  Who smote and shouted not, in war's dread breach,
-  The valiant Emperor, and his noble son,--
-      By these the work was done.
-
-  And he, the inheritor of fulfilled renown,
-    Set the survivor of the Splendid Four
-  Coldly aside; wearing the iron crown,
-    Won for his wearing 'midst red battle's roar,
-    Jauntily, and the blade you sharpened bore
-      With cool complacent pride
-  As though his own hands bound it to his side.
-  And now he comes like Mars amidst his ranks,
-      And brings--belated thanks!
-
-  What thinks the ancient Sword-smith in his soul?
-    Like the old scholar, sick with long neglect,
-  And help delayed till he had reached the goal,
-    Fame-crowned but solitary, self-respect
-    Might tempt him, old and weary,[B{double dagger}] to reject,
-      The tardy tribute. Raise
-  "Hochs," Emperor-fugled! Shout hurrahs of praise!
-  Render such honour as it may afford;
-      That glittering Symbol-sword!
-
-  All well-deserved, all worthily received!
-    But think they cold ingratitude's slug-trail
-  Dims not that blade? All generous spirits grieved
-    That grudging party malice so should fail
-    Of patriot magnanimity, and rail
-      At the great chief who gave
-  The sword they turned against him. Let the brave
-  Join in one voice in shouting loud, "Well done!"
-      To one who made _them_ One!
-
-[Footnote A: See Cartoon, "Dropping the Pilot," pp. 50-51, Vol. 98,
-March 29, 1890.]
-
-[Footnote B{double dagger}: "I am a weary old man."--_Prince Bismarck's speech in
-reply to his birthday congratulations._]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-Mrs. R.'S ABSTINENCE.--The good lady says, "My dear, I always like to
-strictly observe our Church's audiences, and so every Friday morning
-during Lent I invariably have a broiled skipper for breakfast."
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-CONCENTRATION.--Mightn't the verdicts of separation or divorce
-be reported in the papers under the ordinary business heading of
-"Partnerships Dissolved"?
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-DOING A CATHEDRAL.
-
-(_A Sketch from the Provinces._)
-
-    SCENE--_The interior of Dulchester Cathedral._ TIME--_About
-    12.30._ _The March sunshine slants in pale shafts through
-    the clerestory windows, leaving the aisles in shadow. From
-    without, the cawing of rooks and shouts of children at play
-    are faintly audible. By the West Door, a party of Intending
-    Sightseers have collected, and the several groups, feeling
-    that it would be a waste of time to observe anything in the
-    building until officially instructed to do so, are engaged in
-    eyeing one another with all the genial antipathy and suspicion
-    of true-born Britons._
-
-_A Stodgy Sightseer_ (_to his friend_). Disgraceful, keeping us
-standing about like this! If I'd only known, I'd have told the
-headwaiter at the "Mitre" to keep back those chops till----
-
-    [_He breaks off abruptly, finding that the chops are
-    reverberating from column to column with disproportionate
-    solemnity; a white-haired and apple-faced verger rustles down
-    from the choir and beckons the party forward benignantly,
-    whereupon they advance with a secret satisfaction at the
-    prospect of "getting the cathedral 'done' and having the rest
-    of the day to themselves;" they are conducted to a desk and
-    requested, as a preliminary, to put sixpence apiece in the
-    Restoration Fund box and inscribe their names in a book._
-
-_Confused Murmurs._ Would you put "Portico Lodge, Camden Road, or
-only London?"... Here, I'd better sign for the lot of you, eh?... They
-_might_ provide a better pen--in a _cathedral_, I _do_ think!... He
-might have given all our names in full instead of just "And party"!...
-Oh, I've been and made a blot--will it _matter_, should you think?...
-I never _can_ write my name with people looking on, can _you?_... I'm
-sure you've done it beautifully, dear!... Just hold my umbrella while
-I take off my glove, MARIA.... Oh, why _don't_ they make haste? &c.,
-&c.
-
-    [_The_ Stodgy Sightseer _fumes, feeling that, while they are
-    fiddling, his chops are burning_.
-
-[Illustration: "What did 'e want to go and git the fair 'ump about?"]
-
-_The Verger._ Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you will please to follow
-me, the portion of the building where we now are is part of the
-original hedifice founded by EALFRYTHA, wife of Earl BALDRIC, in the
-year height 'undred heighty-height, though we 'ave reason to believe
-that an even hearlier church was in existence 'ere so far back as the
-Roman occupation, as is proved by a hancient stone receptacle recently
-discovered under the crypt and hevidently used for baptismal purposes.
-
-_A Spectacled S._ (_who feels it due to herself to put an intelligent
-question at intervals_). What _was_ the method of baptism among the
-Early Christians?
-
-_The Verger._ We believe it to 'ave been by total immersion, Ma'am.
-
-_The Spect. S._ Oh? _Baptists!_
-
-    [_She sets down the Early Christians as Dissenters, and takes
-    no further interest in them._
-
-_The Verger._ At the back of the choir, and immediately in front of
-you, is the shrine, formerly containing the bones of St. Chasuble,
-with relics of St. Alb. (_An_ Evangelical Sightseer _snorts in
-disapproval_.) The 'ollow depressions in the steps leading up to the
-shrine, which are still visible, were worn away, as you see, by the
-pilgrims ascending on their knees. (_The party verify the depressions
-conscientiously, and click their tongues to express indulgent
-contempt._) The spaces between the harches of the shrine were
-originally enriched by valuable gems and mosaics, all of which 'ave
-now long since disappeared, 'aving been removed by the more devout
-parties who came 'ere on pilgrimages. In the chapel to your left
-a monument with recumbent heffigies of Bishop _Buttress_ and Dean
-_Gurgoyle_, represented laying side by side with clasped 'ands, in
-token of the lifelong affection between them. The late Bishop used to
-make a rather facetious remark about this tomb. He was in the 'abit
-of observing that it was the honly instance in _his_ experience of a
-Bishop being on friendly terms with his Dean. (_He glances round for
-appreciation of this instance of episcopal humour, but is pained to
-find that it has produced a general gloom; the_ Evangelical Sightseer,
-_indeed, conveys by another, and a louder snort, his sense that a
-Bishop ought to set a better example_.) In the harched recess to your
-right, a monument in painted halibarster to Sir RALPH RINGDOVE and
-his lady, erected immediately after her decease by the disconsolate
-widower, with a touching inscription in Latin, stating that their
-ashes would shortly be commingled in the tomb. (_He pauses, to allow
-the ladies of the party to express a becoming sympathy--which they
-do, by clicks._) Sir RALPH himself, however, is interred in Ficklebury
-Parish Church, forty mile from this spot, along with his third wife,
-who survived him.
-
-    [_The ladies regard the image of_ Sir RALPH _with indignation,
-    and pass on; the_ Verger _chuckles faintly at having produced
-    his effect_.
-
-_The Evangelical S._ (_snuffing the air suspiciously_). I'm sorry to
-perceive that you are in the habit of burning _incense_ here!
-
-    [_He looks sternly at the_ Verger, _as though to imply that it
-    is useless to impose upon him_.
-
-_The Verger._ No, Sir, what you smell ain't incense--on'y the vaults
-after the damp weather we've bin 'aving.
-
-    [_The_ Evangelical Sightseer _drops behind, divided between
-    relief and disappointment_.
-
-_A Plastic S._ (_to the_ Verger). What a perfectly _exquisite_
-rose-window that is! For all the world like a kaleidoscope. I suppose
-it dates from the Norman period, at _least?_
-
-_The Verger_ (_coldly_). No. ma'am, it was on'y put up about thirty
-year ago. _We_ consider it the poorest glass we 'ave.
-
-_The Plast. S._ Oh, the glass, yes; _that's_ hideous, certainly. I
-meant the--the other part.
-
-_The Verger._ The tracery, ma'am? That was restored at the same time
-by a local man--and a shocking job he made of it, too!
-
-_The Plast. S._ Yes, it _quite_ spoils the cathedral, _doesn't_ it?
-Couldn't it be taken down?
-
-_The Verger_ (_in answer to another Inquirer_). Crowborough Cathedral
-finer than this, Sir? Oh, _dear_ me, no. I went over a-purpose to 'ave
-a look at it the last 'oliday I took, and I was quite surprised to
-find 'ow very inferior it was. The spire? I don't say that mayn't be
-'igher as a mere matter of feet, but our lantern-tower is so 'appily
-proportioned as to give the effect of being by far the 'ighest in
-existence.
-
-_A Travelled S._ Ah, you should see the _continental_ cathedrals. Why,
-_our_ towers would hardly come up to the top of the naves of some of
-them!
-
-_The Verger_ (_loftily_). I don't take no notice of foreign
-cathedrals, Ma'am. If foreigners like to build so ostentatious, all I
-can say is, I'm sorry _for_ them.
-
-_A Lady_ (_who has provided herself with a "Manual of Architecture"
-and an unsympathetic Companion_). _Do_ notice the excessive use of
-the ball-flower as a decoration, dear. PARKER says it is especially
-characteristic of this cathedral.
-
-_Unsympathetic Companion._ I don't see _any_ flowers myself. And if
-they like to decorate for festivals and that, where's the harm?
-
-    [_The Lady with the Manual perceives that it is hopeless to
-    explain._
-
-_The Verger._ The dog-tooth mouldings round the triforium harches is
-considered to belong to the best period of Norman work----
-
-_The Lady with the Manual._ Surely not _Norman?_ Dog-tooth is Saxon,
-_I_ always understood.
-
-_The Verger_ (_indulgently_). You'll excuse _me_, Ma'am, but I fancy
-it's 'erringbone as is running in _your_ 'ed.
-
-_The Lady with the M._ (_after consulting "Parker" for corroboration,
-in vain_). Well, I'm sure dog-tooth is quite _Early English_, anyway.
-(_To her companion._) Did you know it was the interlacing of the round
-arches that gave the first idea of the pointed arch, dear?
-
-_Her Comp._ No. But I shouldn't have thought there was so very much in
-the _idea_.
-
-_The Lady with the M._ I do _wish_ you took more _interest_, dear.
-Look at those two young men who have just come in. They don't _look_
-as if they'd care for carving; but they've been studying every one of
-the Miserere seats in the choir-stalls. That's what _I_ like to see!
-
-_The Verger._ That concludes my dooties, ladies and gentlemen. You
-can go out by the South Transep door, and that'll take you through the
-Cloisters. (_The Party go out, with the exception of the two 'Arries,
-who linger, expectantly, and cough in embarrassment._) Was there
-anything you wished to know?
-
-_First 'Arry._ Well, Mister, it's on'y--er--'aven't you got some old
-carving or other 'ere of a rather--well, _funny_ kind--sorter thing
-you on'y show to _gentlemen_, if you know what I mean?
-
-_The Verger_ (_austerely_). There's nothing in _this_ Cathedral for
-gentlemen o' _your_ sort, and I'm surprised at your expecting of it.
-
-    [_He turns on his heel._
-
-_First 'Arry_ (_to Second_). I spoke civil enough to _'im_, didn't I?
-What did 'e want to go and git the fair 'ump about?
-
-_Second 'Arry._ Oh, _I_ dunno. But you don't ketch _me_ comin' over to
-no more cathedrils, and wastin' time and money all for nuthink--that's
-all!
-
-    [_They tramp out, feeling that their confidence has been
-    imposed upon._
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-TO A GREEK AT "THE ORIENT."
-
-  At your dress I marvel mutely--
-    Green and white, with gold about;
-  Grandly gay, you absolutely,
-                    Cut me out.
-
-  Like a lamp-shade is that nether
-    Garment, yet, without a doubt,
-  You look fine, and altogether
-                    Cut me out.
-
-  I, dull Englishman, am neatly
-    Clothed in black and grey, without
-  Any colours. You completely
-                    Cut me out.
-
-  She, whose smile is sweetly dimply,
-    Pretty, even though she pout,
-  Seems entranced. With _her_ you simply
-                    Cut me out.
-
-  She admires you, and she barely
-    Looks at me, a sombre lout.
-  Hang you, in that dress you fairly
-                    Cut me out.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-GENTLE AND SOOTHING OCCUPATION FOR AN OARSMAN.--"Stroking an eight."
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-[Illustration: BOTANY; OR, A DAY IN THE COUNTRY.
-
-"SAY, BILLIE, SHALL WE GAVER MUSHROOMS?"
-
-"YUS. I'M A BEGGAR TO CLIMB!"]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-MEETING A VERY OLD FRIEND.
-
-(_A Postscript to a Well-known Work._)
-
-ALICE was delighted with all she saw. Statesmen, generals, celebrities
-of every kind. Then there were marvellous animals--some ferocious,
-others satirical, every one of them as true to nature as could be.
-
-"Where am I?" asked ALICE.
-
-"In the gallery of the Fine Arts Society, 148, New Bond Street."
-
-"And, please, who has done all these wonderful things?"
-
-"The great J. T.," was the reply.
-
-And then she fell to admiring them. She had some difficulty in getting
-to the drawings, for every picture was surrounded by a little crowd
-of worshippers. And she was not in the least surprised, because the
-devotion had been justly earned. Before her she found a specimen of
-the labours of nearly half a century. Everything good and beautiful.
-
-"Dear me!" she murmured, as she approached No. 160 in the Catalogue.
-"Why here I am myself! I am so glad I am like that. What should I have
-been had I not had so kind an artist to sketch me?"
-
-And the possibility opened out such a vista of disasters that ALICE
-was almost moved to tears. But she soon regained her gaiety when she
-had glanced at "_Winding 'em up_" (No. 161), "_A Bicycle built for
-Two_" (No. 148), and "_The Mask of Momus_" (No. 99).
-
-"But shall I meet the Knights?" she asked, after a while. "I should,
-because I certainly am living in Wonderland."
-
-Then there was a chorus crying, "This is the work of the Black and
-White Knight, the greatest of all the Knights--good Sir JOHN."
-
-And ALICE agreed in an opinion held by all the world.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-ANOTHER TESTIMONIAL TO THE G. O. M.--In recognition of his most recent
-contribution to sacred literature. Mr. G. is to be presented with the
-freedom of the Dry-Psalter's company.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.
-
-_She._ "I'M SURPRISED TO SEE YOUR WIFE IN SUCH A _VERY_ LOW GOWN THIS
-COLD EVENING, BARON! I HEARD SHE WAS DELICATE."
-
-_He._ "ACH, NO! SHE VOS. BUT NOW, SANK HEAFEN, SHE IS KVITE
-_IN_DELICATE AGAIN!"]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-"QUOUSQUE TANDEM?" OR, ONE AT A TIME.
-
-_Duologue in a Dog-cart._
-
-_Driver._ Tc-c-c-h-k! Tc-c-c-h-k!!
-
-_Officious Friend._ Steady there! Wo-o-o-a!!
-
-_Driver_ (_aside_). Confound the fellow! I wish he wouldn't fidget so.
-
-_Officious Friend_ (_aside_). _He_ drive tandem? Wish he'd hand the
-ribbons to _me!_
-
-_Driver_ (_aloud_). Leader steps along, doesn't he?
-
-_Officious Friend_ (_aloud_). Ya-a-s. Bit _too_ fast, I fancy. Forgets
-that the wheeler has to do the work.
-
-_Driver._ Humph! Not so sure of that, in this case. Rather weedy, you
-know, and just a bit of a slug, if you ask me. _I_ think they'd do
-better reversed--this journey, anyhow.
-
-_Officious Friend_ (_testily_). Nonsense! You never _have_ done that
-wheeler justice. Fact is you don't understand the horse's character,
-or how to get the best out of him. Now I----
-
-_Driver_ (_adapting old Trin. Coll., Cam., Recitation_).
-
-  "Fact is, he understood computing
-    The odds at any bye-election;
-  Was a dead hand at elocuting,
-    Satire, and candidate-selection;
-  But, like his parallel, Lord RANDOM,
-  He couldn't, somehow, drive a tandem."
-
-_Officious Friend._ What _are_ you muttering about? You know I'm not
-up in poetry. As to poor Lord RANDOM, he was a smart whip, anyhow,
-and though I don't agree with "Z" in his impertinent comparisons,
-still----
-
-_Driver._ Still? Well, I wish you'd _sit_ still, old fellow, and not
-fidget with the reins. You're fretting that leader awfully.
-
-_Officious Friend._ Confound the leader! Leaders, equine
-or--otherwise--(_sotto voce_: I was _going_ to say asinine!)--are so
-apt to give themselves airs, and fancy they're pulling all the weight.
-Old G., for example!
-
-_Driver._ Ah! and he's not the _only_ instance.
-
-    [_Sighs._
-
-_Officious Friend._ If G. had taken my tip, he'd never have upset the
-coach as he did. But handlers of the ribbons are always so obstinate.
-Look out! Mind that finger-post! Why, the leader nearly ran into it.
-
-_Driver._ Not at all, dear boy. But we'll run into _something_, and be
-both spilt if you don't leave off twitching at the reins.
-
-_Officious Friend_ (_reading finger-post_). Leamington! Hythe! Aha!
-Now I think--as I know these roads well--if you'd just let _me_----
-
-_Driver_ (_decisively_). Look here, old man! You remember our Compact?
-
-_Officious Friend_ (_impatiently_). Oh, of course, of course. But--I
-don't quite understand it as you seem to do.
-
-_Driver._ Humph! (_Again adapting._)
-
-  "Your Rule of the Road seems a paradox, quite;
-    For, in tooling our dog-cart along,
-  If _you_'re left with the reins you are sure to be right,
-    If the reins are _my_ right, it's all wrong."
-
-_Officious Friend._ Oh, more poetry! What a chap you are for
-Metaphysics and the Muses! Now the foundations of _my_ belief are
-facts and figures.
-
-_Driver_ (_meditatively_). It's a fact that the Tory total figures out
-much larger than the Liberal Unionist.
-
-_Officious Friend._ Oh, bother! What's that got to do with it! Our
-Compact----
-
-_Driver._ Is ours--not Leamington's it seems.
-
-    [_Hums._
-
-  "There was a man at Leamington,
-    Who thought it would be nice
-  To jump into a Tory seat
-    By help of Tory "ayes."
-  But if those "ayes" should be "put out,"
-    It _may_ prove no great gain
-  Jumping into a Tory seat
-    To please J. CH-MB-RL-N!"
-
-_Officious Friend_ (_grabbing reins_). Here, I say! Whilst droning out
-your doggerel you're forgetting your driving. Where _are_ you going?
-Look at that dashed leader!
-
-    [_Leader faces sharp round and fidgets._
-
-_Driver_ (_sharply_). No wonder! Woa, lad, woa! Why on earth did you
-tug at the reins like that. I tell you that horse won't stand much
-more of it. Do you want a spill as well as a split?
-
-_Officious Friend._ Why, no! But according to our Compact, the
-wheeler----
-
-_Driver._ According to our Compact it's _my_ turn at the ribbons
-to-day. One at a time, if you please. Do you call _this_ driving
-tandem? We shall never get on like this! Are you driving this
-dog-cart, or am I?
-
-    [_Left settling it._
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-[Illustration: "QUOUSQUE TANDEM?" OR, ONE AT A TIME.
-
-ARTH-R B-LF-R (_driver, to officious friend_, JOE CH-MB-RL-N). "WE
-SHALL NEVER GET ON LIKE THIS! AM I DRIVING OR ARE _YOU?_"]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-[Illustration:
-
-_Mrs. Smith._ "I THINK IT DREADFUL THAT YOUR DIVORCE LAWS IN AMERICA
-SHOULD BE SO MUCH MORE LENIENT THAN THEY ARE IN ENGLAND."
-
-_Mr. Van Rensselaer._ "WELL, YOU SEE, MY DEAR MADAM, IN ENGLAND
-DIVORCE IS A LUXURY--WHILE WITH US IT IS--ER--A NECESSITY!"]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
-
-MARCO POLO ULYSSES HENRY NORMAN, having returned from a comprehensive
-tour in foreign parts, has set forth his experience in a handsome
-volume published by FISHER UNWIN. _The Far Fast_ is its alluring and
-well-sustained title. But why drag in ULYSSES and MARCO POLO? Their
-journeyings were on the scale of a jaunt to Switzerland as compared
-with Mr. NORMAN'S. He has travelled through British, French, Spanish
-and Portuguese Colonies; has visited Siberia, China, Japan, Corea,
-Siam and Malaya. Whether in his study of political problems, his
-pictures of people, or his sketches of scenery, he is equally keen and
-habile. Anything that relates to China is peculiarly interesting
-just now, and Mr. NORMAN throws a flood of light on the state of
-the unwieldly empire. The description of the examination halls is
-instructive. The Government of China, Mr. NORMAN testifies, is a vast
-system of competitive examination tempered by bribery. Those who
-come out successfully in examinations--the subject-matter of which is
-knowledge of the works of CONFUCIUS, the history of China, and the
-art of writing as practised by the old masters--have berths found
-them under the Government. They are sent all over the country to be
-magistrates, generals, ship captains, engineers, without having the
-slightest acquaintance with details or systems over which they are put
-in a position of command. This fully accounts for what has taken place
-in recent campaigns by land and sea in the Far East. We can't all
-undertake Mr. NORMAN'S monumental journey. But, adapting SHERIDAN'S
-advice to his son on a certain occasion, my Baronite counsels the
-public to read _The Far East_ and say they've been there.
-
-The immortal FLACCUS (writes one of the Baron's assistants) has, it
-appears, been sojourning in Cambridge, having gone into residence
-there some time before he stayed at Hawarden, either for translation
-or perversion. I make this statement after reading a delightful little
-book of light verse entitled _Horace at Cambridge_, by OWEN
-SEAMAN (London, A. D. INNES & CO.). To every University man, and
-particularly, of course, to Cambridge men, this book will be a
-rare treat. But in virtue of its humour, its extreme and felicitous
-dexterity of workmanship both in rhyme and metre, and the aptness
-of its allusions, it will appeal to a far wider public. I pledge Mr.
-SEAMAN in a bumper of College Audit! and beg him to give us more of
-his work.
-
-  THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-THE OLYMPIANS THREATEN.--A real ice rink, "said to be the largest in
-the world," is in course of construction at Olympia. Does "Niagara"
-realise, or, as in this conjunction it might be written, "real-ice,"
-the fact that its own nice invention may, by its rival, be beaten all
-to shivers?
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-FROM "LOVE'S LABOUR."--What our Sir FREDERIC, P.R.A. (quoting the
-Divine WILLIAMS), will soon be saying to the accepted artist, "_Bid
-him go hang!_"
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-A COCK AND BULL STORY.
-
-AIR--"_Casabianca._"
-
-    ["European navies were like fighting-cocks, armed to the
-    teeth; a single spark might cause an explosion."
-
-    _Dr. MacGregor on the Navy Estimates._]
-
-  The fighting-cock stood on the deck,
-    His eye was rolling red,
-  His feathers whiffled round his neck,
-    His crest was on his head.
-
-  He wore his spur above his heel,
-    His claws were underneath,
-  He also had a mass of steel
-    Plate-armour on his teeth.
-
-  Meanwhile the House was haggling on
-    In one of those debates
-  When Little England jumps upon
-    The Navy Estimates.
-
-  There CLEOPHAS, of many wiles,
-    Brought up his little lot,
-  And Mr. BYLES, with wreathèd smiles,
-    Was deadly on the spot.
-
-  And LABBY said the bootless pay
-    Of navies should be stamped on;
-  "There is no boot!" as strikers say
-    In LABBY'S own Northampton.
-
-  "Then came a burst of thunder-sound"
-    That shook the very street,
-  And lo! MACGREGOR'S form was found
-    To be upon its feet.
-
-  He called the rates a great expense,
-    He was a peaceful Scot,
-  And said the talk about "defense"
-    Was simply Tommy-rot.
-
-  Far better for his country's good,
-    So long allowed to bleed,
-  If only half the money could
-    Be spent across the Tweed.
-
-  Then with a petrifying shout,
-    Like some _clamantis vox_,
-  He fetched a trumpet-note about
-    The teeth of fighting-cocks.
-
-  A simile of crew and crew
-    All ripe for any ruction;
-  (Refer to verses one and two,
-    Or else the introduction).
-
-  A spark might fall from out the sea,
-    Completely unforeboded,
-  And then the birds--where would they be?
-    Why, they would be exploded.
-
-  He looked around for some applause
-    From front or side or rear;
-  They never said a word, because
-    They hadn't strength to cheer.
-
-  With many an accidental jest
-    The hearts of men were full,
-  But O! the thing they liked the best
-    Was bold MACGREGOR'S bull!
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-"SUR LE TAPIS" DE BRUXELLES.
-
-However clever as a dramatic author he, M. MAURICE MAETERLINCK of
-Brussels, may be, it is rather handicapping him to be dubbed by
-enthusiastic but injudicious admirers "The Belgian SHAKSPEARE,"
-though, of course, "Belgian" does qualify the SHAKSPEARE, just as
-Brussels prefixed to sprout decides the character of that favourite
-and useful vegetable. M. MAETERLINCK may be the "coming on," or
-sprouting, dramatist of the future. Up to the present time there has
-not been much in any way to connect Belgian and English drama,
-so MAETERLINCK may be the missing link destined to electrically
-illuminate "all the world," which "is," as the Divine WILLIAMS
-remarks, "a stage."
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS.
-
-THE PROCEDURE IN THE LAW COURTS HAD MANY POINTS OF RESEMBLANCE TO
-OUR OWN BUT AT TIMES IT WAS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO GIVE UNDIVIDED
-ATTENTION TO THE EVIDENCE!]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-PROPOSED RULES FOR THE LADIES' UNIVERSAL ATHLETIC ASSOCIATION.
-
-    (_Compiled by One thoroughly Conversant with the Necessities
-    of the Situation._)
-
-1. The costume of every member of the Club shall be of the most
-elegant description. The design shall not be governed by the
-requirements of the game for which the uniform is required, but rather
-by the characteristics of the wearer.
-
-2. Red and blue shall be worn according to the complexion of the
-player, and the choice of teams shall depend not upon prowess or
-locality, but the colour of the hair and eyes and the formation of the
-noses.
-
-3. Patent leather shoes shall invariably form a part of the _grande
-tenue_ of the Club, with high heels at discretion.
-
-4. Football shall be played with a light india-rubber globe,
-and "pushing" shall be strictly forbidden. However, it shall be
-permissible for one player to hold an opponent tightly by the hands if
-the former thinks the latter is about to give it "quite a hard kick"
-with her toe.
-
-5. No angry language will be allowed, but one member may tell another,
-in the height of an exciting contest, that she is "a spiteful,
-disagreeable old thing." On very special occasions the word "There!"
-may be added with emphasis.
-
-6. Cricket shall never be allowed to last for more than half an hour,
-and cups of tea shall be served to the strikers between the overs.
-
-7. Only ladies shall be permitted to watch the game of the members,
-as a rule. However, at times when everyone is looking her best,
-individuals of the inferior sex shall be admitted to the football
-ground or cricket field, on the condition that they "promise not to
-laugh."
-
-8. Players at football, cricket, and other games sanctioned by the
-Association, shall have full liberty to make their own rules and keep
-their own appointments. They will be usually expected to wait until a
-match is finished, unless called away to take a drive in the Park, or
-do a little shopping.
-
-9 and Lastly. As women are as excellent as men at field sports, the
-members of the Club shall be entitled to the franchise.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-[Illustration: SEQUELÆ!
-
-_The General._ "_YOU_'VE HAD IT, I SUPPOSE?"
-
-_The Judge._ "I SHOULD THINK SO. I'M AS WEAK AS A RAT!"
-
-_The General._ "THAT'S NOTHING. _I'M_ AS WEAK AS _TWO_ RATS!"
-
-_The Judge._ "BUT _TWO_ RATS ARE STRONGER THAN _ONE_ RAT!"
-
-_The General._ "IF YOU ARGUE, I SHALL CRY!"]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-
-THE LATEST FROM SOL.
-
-    SCENE--_The Sun. First Solarist discovered reading local
-    journal to Second Solarist._
-
-_First Solarist._ I say, have you seen what this century's _Earth_
-says?
-
-_Second Solarist._ No; it's much too hot for reading newspapers.
-
-_First S._ Why, the idiotic people on that ridiculous little planet
-have just discovered the existence of Helium!
-
-_Second S._ Dear me! How long have they taken about that?
-
-_First S._ About six thousand years (according to mundane measure), or
-thereabouts.
-
-_Second S._ They seem to have plenty of leisure on their hands! And
-now that they _have_ found out Helium, of what use will it be to them?
-
-_First S._ Oh, that they will probably discover in another fix
-thousand years! Let's liquor!
-
-    [_Exeunt. Scene closes in upon an eclipse._
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-BALLAD OF THE UNSURPRISED JUDGE.
-
-    ["Mr. Justice HAWKINS observed, 'I am surprised at
-    nothing.'"--_Pitts v. Joseph, "Times'" Report, March 27._]
-
-  All hail to Sir HENRY, whom nothing surprises;
-    Ye Judges and suitors, regard him with awe,
-  As he sits up aloft on the Bench and applies his
-    Swift mind to the shifts and the tricks of the Law.
-  Many years has he lived, and has always seen clear things
-    That Nox seemed to hide from our average eyes:
-  But still, though encompassed with all sorts of queer things,
-    He never, no never gives way to surprise.
-
-  When a rogue, for example, a company-monger,
-    Grows fat on the gain of the shares he has sold,
-  While the public gets lean, winning nothing but hunger
-    And a few scraps of scrip for its masses of gold;
-  When the fat man goes further and takes to religion,
-    A rascal in hymn-books and bibles disguised,
-  "It's a case," says Sir HENRY, "of rook _versus_ pigeon,
-    And the pigeon gets left--well, I'm hardly surprised."
-
-  There's a Heath at Newmarket, and horses that run there,
-    There are owners and jockeys, and sharpers and flats;
-  There are some who do nicely, and some who are done there,
-    There are loud men with pencils and satchels and hats.
-  But the Stewards see nothing of betting or money,
-    As they stand in the blinkers for Stewards devised;
-  Their blindness may strike HENRY HAWKINS as funny,
-    But he only smiles softly, he isn't surprised.
-
-  So, here's to Sir HENRY, the terror of tricksters,
-    Of Law he's a master, and likewise a limb:
-  His mind never once, when its purpose is fixed, errs;
-    For cuteness there's none holds a candle to him.
-  Let them try to deceive him, why, bless you, he's _been_ there,
-    And can track his way straight through a tangle of lies;
-  And, though some might grow grey at the things he has seen there,
-    He never, no never, gives way to surprise.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
-
-EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
-
-_House of Lords, Monday, March 25._--Impossible to avoid noticing
-depression of the MARKISS when he entered House to-night. At first
-thought feelings of a father had overcome him. CRANBORNE, immediately
-after eloquent and energetic attack in other House of Welsh
-Disestablishment Bill, was struck down by indisposition, reported to
-be measles. That all very well. Do not wish to suggest anything wrong;
-but coincidence at least remarkable. Measles, the Member for SARK
-tells me, can be conveyed in various apparently innoxious guises. In
-a controversy so acrid that GEORGE OSBORNE MORGAN has been publicly
-accused of profligacy, men will, it is too obvious, go any lengths.
-At present there is nothing that can be called evidence to connect
-CRANBORNE'S sudden indisposition with current controversy. But if this
-mysterious attack is followed by symptoms of croup, rickets, teething,
-or any other complaint usually associated with happy days in the
-nursery, the public will know what to think.
-
-Happily it turned out that the depression of the MARKISS had nothing
-to do with the condition of the heir of Hatfield. His sympathetic
-heart been touched by difficulties that environ a worthy class of
-men whom LORD CHANCELLOR, conscious that COBB'S eye is upon him,
-has recently been making magistrates. "Excellent persons," says
-the MARKISS; "self-made men. But unfortunately the process of
-self-manufacture does not include knowledge of the statutes at large."
-There is the Parish Councils Act, for example; one of those pieces of
-legislation with which a reckless Radical majority has embarrassed an
-ancient State. This law has to be administered by people unlearned
-in Acts of Parliament. They cannot take a step without having sixteen
-volumes of the statutes at large tucked under their arms. What the
-benevolent and thoughtful MARKISS suggested was, that in all future
-legislation there shall be reprinted sections of Acts of Parliament
-referred to in text of Bill.
-
-House listened with admiration to statesman who, his mind engrossed
-by imperial cares, could find time to think out schemes for easing the
-pathway of working-men magistrates, and assisting operation of Parish
-Councils Act. Only, somehow, there was left on minds of hearers a
-strong impression that working-men magistrates are a mistake, and the
-Parish Councils Act a public injury, of which the Government ought to
-be more than ordinarily ashamed.
-
-_Business done._--More speech-making round Welsh Disestablishment Bill
-in Commons. Direfully dull.
-
-_House of Commons, Tuesday._--"Speakers may come, and Speakers may
-go," said the Member for SARK, "but as long as the House of Commons
-produces men like VICARY GIBBS the institution is safe, and the
-State rocks safely on its everlasting foundations. It was, you will
-remember, VICARY who directly, though undesignedly, led to the row
-on that famous night in June when Home-Rule Committee was closured.
-VICARY shares with Heaven the peculiarity that order is his first
-law. On that particular night somebody had said something, and
-VICARY wanted to have his words taken down. Amid growing uproar
-his observations were inaudible to the Chair, and his presence
-undistinguishable. Some men would thereupon have resumed their seat.
-VICARY, his soul athirst to have something 'taken down,' moved on to
-the Front Opposition Bench, and shouted his desire in MELLOR'S left
-ear. Then LOGAN suddenly loomed large on the scene. HAYES FISHER
-reached forth a red right hand and shook him by the collar. Next an
-anonymous Irish Member fell over the bench on to SAUNDERSON'S knee,
-and was there incontinently but heartily pummelled. After that chaos;
-all arising out of VICARY GIBBS'S insatiable, uncontrollable desire to
-have something 'taken down' in the sacred name of order."
-
-These musings on the mighty past were occasioned by VICARY once
-more unexpectedly, but sternly and effectively, interposing as the
-custodian of order. WEIR broken out in epidemic of questions;
-puts down eleven on the paper; runs them up to the full score by
-supplementary questions, invariably prefaced by the formula "Is the
-right hon. gentleman A. WEIR that----?" A poor joke, its only flash of
-humour being in the subtly varied tone with which the SPEAKER eleven
-times pronounced the words, "Mr. WEIR." Also grotesquely funny to hear
-the reverberation of the deep chest notes, in which WEIR, with tragic
-sweep of _pince-nez_ on to his nose, said in succession, "Ques-ti-on
-one," "Ques-ti-on two," and so on.
-
-Touch of tragedy came in when VICARY, managing to throw into tone and
-form of question conviction that SQUIRE OF MALWOOD was secretly at
-bottom of the whole business, asked him whether this was not abuse
-of forms of the House, calculated to lead to curtailment of valuable
-privilege. No use SQUIRE assuming air of innocence. House knew all
-about it. Refreshed and revived by VICARY'S timely vindication of law
-and order, proceeded to business.
-
-_Business done._--Fourth night's Debate on Welsh Church
-Disestablishment Bill. The still prevalent dulness varied by speech
-from PLUNKET; witched the House by music of stately though simple
-eloquence.
-
-_Thursday._--Desperate dulness of week further relieved by discovery
-of new game. TOMMY BOWLES, _Inv._ House just got into Committee of
-Supply; Vote on Account under discussion; this covers multitudinous
-items; every spending department of State concerned. When Committee
-of Supply deals with Army Estimates, CAWMELL-BANNERMAN and the WINSOME
-WOODALL in their places. The rest of Ministers may go away, knowing
-that everything is well. The same when Navy Estimates are on, or
-when particular votes in the Civil Service Estimates are to the fore.
-Ministers of particular departments affected in their place; the rest
-at liberty.
-
-To-night, as no one knew who might be called on next, all agreed to
-stop away--all but the faithful HIBBERT. Cap'en TOMMY, as usual, aloft
-in the Crow's Nest, perceived this weak point. Hauling on the bowline,
-and making all taut, he bore down swiftly on the Treasury Bench, and
-hailed it for the President of the Board of Trade. Wanted to talk to
-BRYCE, he said, about lighthouses. No one knew better than TOMMY that
-BRYCE wasn't aboard. According to regulations, he ought to have been.
-Search made for him. Presently brought in with hands in pockets,
-trying to whistle, and otherwise present appearance of indifference.
-But a poor show.
-
-Encouraged by this success, Private HANBURY, observing ROBERTSON was
-among absentees, addressed question to Civil Lord of Admiralty about
-Peterhead Harbour. HIBBERT'S agony of mind at this juncture would have
-softened harder hearts. An elderly hen, that has counted its brood
-seven times, on each occasion finding one or two missing, not more
-perturbed. Looked up and down Treasury Bench. ROBERTSON, not within
-sight; might be below the Gangway. Vain hope. For Members opposite
-interest in Peterhead Harbour growing keener and more urgent. FRANCIS
-POWELL, usually mild-mannered man, went so far as to move to report
-progress. MELLOR declined to put question.
-
-"Very well," said the Blameless BARTLEY, with air of martyr. "We must
-go on talking about Peterhead Harbour till the Minister comes in."
-
-So he did, and when he ran dry TOMLINSON (having meanwhile ascertained
-where Peterhead Harbour is) took up the wondrous tale. Talking when
-HIBBERT reappeared, his breast now swelling with maternal pride and
-satisfaction. He had found the lost chick, and clucked low notes of
-supreme content as he brought him back to the roost. Pretty to see
-how, Civil Lord in his place, all interest in Peterhead Harbour
-subsided, Busy B's turning their attention to alleged felonious
-underrating of Government property.
-
-[Illustration: Sir John Leng strongly objects to Lion-taming
-Exhibitions.]
-
-_Business done._--Vote on Account through Committee. Sir JOHN LENG
-calls ASQUITH'S attention to dangerous occupation of lion-tamers.
-"All very well," he says, "for doughty knight like me. But these poor
-fellows with families shouldn't be allowed to run risks."
-
-_Friday Night._--"What's the business at to-night's sitting?" asked
-SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, looking over Orders of the Day. "Home Rule all
-round? Very well. Shall give practical proof of adherence to principle
-by stopping at home."
-
-JOHN MORLEY did same, most other Ministers following suit.
-CAWMEL-BANNERMAN sacrificed himself on altar of country. But insisted
-that he might at least dine out in interval between morning and
-evening sitting that made last day of Parliamentary week. His snowy
-shirt front gave air of almost reckless joviality to desolate Treasury
-Bench. PRINCE ARTHUR, not to be outdone in chivalry, also looked in
-after dinner, brightening up Front Bench opposite Minister for War.
-But two swallows don't make a summer, nor two gentlemen in evening
-dress a festive party. TREVELYAN only man in earnest, and he terribly
-so.
-
-_Business done._--Home Rule all round decreed by majority of 26 in
-House of 230.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-THE NEW CHIVALRY.
-
-    ["In a case heard before Judge FRENCH at Shoreditch, the Judge
-    remarked that the plea of infancy was not a very meritorious
-    one. 'No,' replied the defendant, 'but it's jolly
-    convenient.'"--_The Globe._]
-
-  When, toddling along with a swell, I pretend
-  Not to notice a shabby (though excellent) friend,--
-  Well, it is _not_ lofty, to that I assent,
-  But then, "it's so jolly con-ve-ni-ent!"
-
-  When a tenant has built up a business with care,
-  And saved to his landlord all cost of repair,
-  It may not be kind just to double his rent,
-  Yet somehow "it's jolly con-ve-ni-ent!"
-
-  If you've suffered, in polling, a "moral defeat,"
-  Then to grab each Committee and every paid seat
-  Some might say was the act of a "cad," not a "gent";
-  But, you see, "it's so jolly con-ve-ni-ent!"
-
-  Then your house is for sale, and, if gifted with brains,
-  You, of course, do not mention the damp, rats, and drains
-  Which is not what the ancients by "honesty" meant,
-  But, still, it _is_ "jolly con-ve-ni-ent!"
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-
-
-
-Transcriber's Note
-
-Page 159: Footnote [A] refers to
-
-  [www.] gutenberg.org/ebooks/30739
-
-Page 168: 'progess' corrected to 'progress'.
-
-"FRANCIS POWELL, usually mild-mannered man, went so far as to move to
-report progress."
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-
-
-
-
-
-End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
-108, April 6, 1895, by Various
-
-*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, APRIL 6, 1895 ***
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   <title>Punch, or the London Charivari, April 6th, 1895.</title>
 
@@ -111,46 +111,7 @@ display : none;
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-
-
-<pre>
-
-The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108,
-April 6, 1895, by Various
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
-almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
-re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
-with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
-
-
-Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, April 6, 1895
-
-Author: Various
-
-Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
-
-Release Date: February 13, 2014 [EBook #44887]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, APRIL 6, 1895 ***
-
-
-
-
-Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online
-Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
-
-
-
-
-
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-</pre>
-
+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44887 ***</div>
 
 <p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page157" id="page157"></a>[pg 157]</span></p>
 
@@ -1106,7 +1067,7 @@ explosion."</p>
   </div><div class="stanza">
 <p>There <span class="sc">Cleophas</span>, of many wiles,</p>
 <p class="i2">Brought up his little lot,</p>
-<p>And Mr. <span class="sc">Byles</span>, with wreathèd smiles,</p>
+<p>And Mr. <span class="sc">Byles</span>, with wreathèd smiles,</p>
 <p class="i2">Was deadly on the spot.</p>
   </div><div class="stanza">
 <p>And <span class="sc">Labby</span> said the bootless pay</p>
@@ -1266,8 +1227,8 @@ entitled to the franchise.</p>
 
 <hr class="medium" />
 
-<div class="figcenter" style="width: 350px;"><a href="images/167-1000.png"><img src="images/167-350.png" width="350" height="466" alt="SEQUELÆ!" /></a>
-<h2 class="sans">SEQUELÆ!</h2>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 350px;"><a href="images/167-1000.png"><img src="images/167-350.png" width="350" height="466" alt="SEQUELÆ!" /></a>
+<h2 class="sans">SEQUELÆ!</h2>
 
 <p><i>The General.</i> "<span class="sc"><i>You</i>'ve had it, I suppose?</span>"</p>
 
@@ -1619,382 +1580,7 @@ far as to move to report progress."</p>
 
 <hr />
 
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-<pre>
-
-
-
-
-
-End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
-108, April 6, 1895, by Various
-
-*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, APRIL 6, 1895 ***
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-</pre>
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+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44887 ***</div>
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-The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108,
-April 6, 1895, by Various
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
-almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
-re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
-with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
-
-
-Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, April 6, 1895
-
-Author: Various
-
-Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
-
-Release Date: February 13, 2014 [EBook #44887]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: ASCII
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, APRIL 6, 1895 ***
-
-
-
-
-Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online
-Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
-
-
-
-
-
-
-PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
-
-Volume 108, April 6, 1895.
-
-_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
-
-
-
-
-[Illustration: "ANIMAL SPIRITS."
-
-NO. X.--"EASY ALL!" PUMPED OUT]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-THE STUDIO SEEKER'S VADE MECUM.
-
-_Question._ On what occasions do you particularly seek the studios?
-
-_Answer._ On two Sundays in the year--the consecutive sabbaths devoted
-to the exhibition of proposed academy pictures by "Outsiders," and
-"A.'s," and "R.A.'s."
-
-_Q._ Do you haunt the abodes of artists at other times?
-
-_A._ Never; or, to cover all possibilities, hardly ever.
-
-_Q._ Then you are not a lover of paintings for their own sake?
-
-_A._ Certainly not; on the contrary, I am, as a rule, a better judge
-of frames than canvases.
-
-_Q._ Then why do you go to St. John's Wood, Chelsea and West
-Kensington?
-
-_A._ To see and be seen.
-
-_Q._ Is it necessary to know the artist whose pictures are "on view"?
-
-_A._ Certainly not. You can usually single him out by the absence
-of an overcoat, and can generally spot his wife and daughter by the
-non-appearance of promenading head-gear.
-
-_Q._ What have you to do when you have discovered your involuntary
-host and hostess?
-
-_A._ To shake hands with them with condescension, and partake of their
-refreshments with gusto.
-
-_Q._ Will this invasion of the domestic circle be resented?
-
-_A._ No; because it is highly probable that you will be mistaken for
-a newspaper Art critic, and respect for the Press in Art circles is
-universal.
-
-_Q._ Are not artists, as a body, a community of highly accomplished
-gentlemen?
-
-_A._ Certainly; and, consequently, on ordinary occasions entitled to
-well-merited respect.
-
-_Q._ Then why should that "well-merited respect" be refused to them a
-month before the May opening of Burlington House?
-
-_A._ Because it is the fashion.
-
-_Q._ Surely this fashion does not exist amongst the better classes of
-the community?
-
-_A._ To some extent; although it certainly is in greatest favour with
-cads and snobs, to say nothing of their female relations.
-
-_Q._ Has any effort been made to stem this tide of unauthorised and
-unwelcome invasion?
-
-_A._ In isolated cases the master of the studio has sought the
-protection of the police to keep his studio free of the unknown and
-the unknowable.
-
-_Q._ But could not the scandal be removed with the assistance of the
-leaders of Society?
-
-_A._ Assuredly. It would only have to become unfashionable to visit
-studios on the Show Sundays for the painter to be left at peace.
-
-_Q._ Would that be pleasing to the artists?
-
-_A._ That is the published opinion, but the matter has not been put
-absolutely to the test. However, the pleasure of the artists is not
-to be considered when the recreations of Brixton and Tooting are at
-stake.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-APRIL FOOLOSOPHY.
-
-(_By One of Them._)
-
-_Fools rush in where angels fear to tread._ Well, this only shows
-our valiant disregard of danger, our readiness of initiative, our
-championship of forlorn hopes. We are the heaven-sent leaders of all
-"New" enterprises, whether literary, theatrical, or artistic. It is
-we who penetrate the mysteries of Bodleyosophy, Beardsleyotechny, and
-Yellow Astrology. We are the real and only Mahatmaniacs, Sexomaniacs,
-Miasmaniacs. Among our ranks you will find the Women who Did, the
-anticonjuGallias, the shedonKeynotes, and all their attendant
-and Discordant tribe of Jack-asses. We are the elect and proper
-bell-wethers of mankind. Come to us, then, for guidance.
-
-_Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise._ Folly is therefore
-the true wisdom. However, this is an Oscarian paradox, which the
-Divine WILLIAMS has previously plagiarised, and enlarged on at some
-length, so we will pass on.
-
-_Fools build houses, but wise men live in them._ Exactly so; we are
-the architects of this generation. The wise man depends on us for his
-roof and lodging; and without us he would be homeless. We have built
-"Snookson's Folly" and "Babel Mansions"--half of London, in fact. The
-jerry-builders have done the rest.
-
-_A fool and his money are soon parted._ A compliment to our
-open-handed and indiscriminate generosity. It is we who swell the
-subscription list for the last new gold mine or building society;
-who subsidise insolvent South American Republics; who support the
-mendicant tramp and the deserving blackmailer.
-
-_There is no fool like an old fool._ That is, the quality of folly
-improves with keeping, like that of wine. The seniors of our class are
-thoroughly reliable old fools, and Past Grand Masters in the art of
-ineptitude. We, fools as we are, know how to pay the proper respect
-that is due to senility and second-childishness.
-
-_A fool at forty is a fool indeed._ This is a corollary of the
-preceding aphorism, for it is only at the age of two-score that we
-attain to years of full indiscretion. We develop later than the rest
-of humanity; we undergo a severe probation before our claim to the
-title of complete nincompoop is recognised. Before forty there is
-yet a chance that the budding ninny may desert, and degenerate into a
-prig, a Philistine, or a physician. After that age he is safe, and can
-be depended on for unwisdom, whereas your ordinary wiseacre cuts his
-back teeth and graduates in common-sense at twenty-one.
-
-Lastly, _Fools stand in slippery places_--where wise men tumble down;
-but this needs no further illustration than that provided years ago by
-C. K., in _Mr. Punch's_ pages.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-NOT FOR THEIR "BEN."--Judging from some of the evidence at the
-recent trial of _Tillett_ v. "_The Morning_" (_Limited_), it probably
-occurred to the unemployed dockers that they might have been well
-employed in "docking" B. T.'s salary.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-[Illustration: BISMARCK'S EIGHTIETH BIRTHDAY: A TARDY TRIBUTE.
-
-[Last week the Emperor of GERMANY presented Prince BISMARCK with a
-sword sheathed in gold as a birthday present.--_Vide Daily Papers._]
-
-A HISTORICAL PARALLEL.--"The notice you have been pleased to take of
-my labours, had it been early, had been kind; but it has been delayed
-till I am indifferent, and cannot enjoy it."--_Extract from Dr.
-Johnson's Letter to Lord Chesterfield, February 1755._]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-[Illustration: AN INNOCENT.
-
-_Sportsman_ (_who has been training a "Dark 'Un" of his own for the
-"Grand National"_). "THERE, MY BOY, THERE'S A FIFTY TO ONE CHANCE FOR
-YOU! NOW, JUST YOU TAKE MY ADVICE, AND GET ON AT ONCE!"
-
-_Little Greensmith._ "GET ON, EH? THANKY! PREFER TO SEE THE LAD ON
-HIM, THANKY!"]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-BISMARCK'S BIRTHDAY;
-
-_Or, a Tardy Tribute._
-
-    ["In the presence of this band I now come to hand my gift to
-    your Serene Highness. I could find no better present than a
-    sword, the noblest weapon of the Germans, a symbol of that
-    weapon which your Highness, with my blessed grandfather,
-    helped to forge, to sharpen, and also to wield--a symbol of
-    that great building-time during which the mortar was blood and
-    iron, a remedy which never fails."--_The German Emperor,
-    in presenting a Sword of Honour to Prince Bismarck, in
-    celebration of his eightieth birthday._]
-
-    ["The notice which you have been pleased to take of my
-    labours, had it been early, had been kind; but it has been
-    delayed till I am indifferent, and cannot enjoy it; till I am
-    solitary, and cannot impart it; till I am known, and do not
-    want it."--_Doctor Johnson to the Earl of Chesterfield._]
-
-  Not the Dropped Pilot now![A] The circling years
-    Bring their revenges, and to-day he stands,
-  Age-bowed but firm, amidst the ringing cheers
-    Of the young Monarch's mailed Germanic bands;
-  And with proud patience takes, from lesser hands,
-      The proffered Symbol-sword!
-  Grim face, with years and labours scarred and scored,
-  What marvel should those lines relax awhile
-      To a Saturnian smile?
-
-  Splendid old Sword-smith, WIELAND of our day,
-    Bestwielder of the matchless steel you made,
-  This "Sword of Honour" is but baby play
-    Compared with that tremendous Balsung-blade
-    Forged by the mightiest master of his trade
-      Since the great Norseman wrought,
-  For the fierce battle-field where Titans fought.
-  What may the shouting young AMILIAS know
-      Of its great swashing blow?
-
-  He prates of Brandenburg, Iron and Blood,
-    In swelling royal rhetoric, but _you_ hear
-  The clash of squadrons in war's sternest mood
-    In that "great building-time"; and the boy-cheer
-    Of him who, eager the State-bark to steer,
-      Snatched from your hands the helm,
-  Impetuous Palinurus of the realm,--
-  That cheer seems bitter and belated now,
-      Hollow, all sound and show!
-
-  You forged the blade he flourishes with pride,
-    That new Excalibur, "Unity"; you gave
-  That mighty weapon to Germania's side,
-    You and the iron comrades, silent, brave,
-    Who fought beneath the flag he loves to wave.
-      The man of scanty speech,
-  Who smote and shouted not, in war's dread breach,
-  The valiant Emperor, and his noble son,--
-      By these the work was done.
-
-  And he, the inheritor of fulfilled renown,
-    Set the survivor of the Splendid Four
-  Coldly aside; wearing the iron crown,
-    Won for his wearing 'midst red battle's roar,
-    Jauntily, and the blade you sharpened bore
-      With cool complacent pride
-  As though his own hands bound it to his side.
-  And now he comes like Mars amidst his ranks,
-      And brings--belated thanks!
-
-  What thinks the ancient Sword-smith in his soul?
-    Like the old scholar, sick with long neglect,
-  And help delayed till he had reached the goal,
-    Fame-crowned but solitary, self-respect
-    Might tempt him, old and weary,[B{double dagger}] to reject,
-      The tardy tribute. Raise
-  "Hochs," Emperor-fugled! Shout hurrahs of praise!
-  Render such honour as it may afford;
-      That glittering Symbol-sword!
-
-  All well-deserved, all worthily received!
-    But think they cold ingratitude's slug-trail
-  Dims not that blade? All generous spirits grieved
-    That grudging party malice so should fail
-    Of patriot magnanimity, and rail
-      At the great chief who gave
-  The sword they turned against him. Let the brave
-  Join in one voice in shouting loud, "Well done!"
-      To one who made _them_ One!
-
-[Footnote A: See Cartoon, "Dropping the Pilot," pp. 50-51, Vol. 98,
-March 29, 1890.]
-
-[Footnote B{double dagger}: "I am a weary old man."--_Prince Bismarck's speech in
-reply to his birthday congratulations._]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-Mrs. R.'S ABSTINENCE.--The good lady says, "My dear, I always like to
-strictly observe our Church's audiences, and so every Friday morning
-during Lent I invariably have a broiled skipper for breakfast."
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-CONCENTRATION.--Mightn't the verdicts of separation or divorce
-be reported in the papers under the ordinary business heading of
-"Partnerships Dissolved"?
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-DOING A CATHEDRAL.
-
-(_A Sketch from the Provinces._)
-
-    SCENE--_The interior of Dulchester Cathedral._ TIME--_About
-    12.30._ _The March sunshine slants in pale shafts through
-    the clerestory windows, leaving the aisles in shadow. From
-    without, the cawing of rooks and shouts of children at play
-    are faintly audible. By the West Door, a party of Intending
-    Sightseers have collected, and the several groups, feeling
-    that it would be a waste of time to observe anything in the
-    building until officially instructed to do so, are engaged in
-    eyeing one another with all the genial antipathy and suspicion
-    of true-born Britons._
-
-_A Stodgy Sightseer_ (_to his friend_). Disgraceful, keeping us
-standing about like this! If I'd only known, I'd have told the
-headwaiter at the "Mitre" to keep back those chops till----
-
-    [_He breaks off abruptly, finding that the chops are
-    reverberating from column to column with disproportionate
-    solemnity; a white-haired and apple-faced verger rustles down
-    from the choir and beckons the party forward benignantly,
-    whereupon they advance with a secret satisfaction at the
-    prospect of "getting the cathedral 'done' and having the rest
-    of the day to themselves;" they are conducted to a desk and
-    requested, as a preliminary, to put sixpence apiece in the
-    Restoration Fund box and inscribe their names in a book._
-
-_Confused Murmurs._ Would you put "Portico Lodge, Camden Road, or
-only London?"... Here, I'd better sign for the lot of you, eh?... They
-_might_ provide a better pen--in a _cathedral_, I _do_ think!... He
-might have given all our names in full instead of just "And party"!...
-Oh, I've been and made a blot--will it _matter_, should you think?...
-I never _can_ write my name with people looking on, can _you?_... I'm
-sure you've done it beautifully, dear!... Just hold my umbrella while
-I take off my glove, MARIA.... Oh, why _don't_ they make haste? &c.,
-&c.
-
-    [_The_ Stodgy Sightseer _fumes, feeling that, while they are
-    fiddling, his chops are burning_.
-
-[Illustration: "What did 'e want to go and git the fair 'ump about?"]
-
-_The Verger._ Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you will please to follow
-me, the portion of the building where we now are is part of the
-original hedifice founded by EALFRYTHA, wife of Earl BALDRIC, in the
-year height 'undred heighty-height, though we 'ave reason to believe
-that an even hearlier church was in existence 'ere so far back as the
-Roman occupation, as is proved by a hancient stone receptacle recently
-discovered under the crypt and hevidently used for baptismal purposes.
-
-_A Spectacled S._ (_who feels it due to herself to put an intelligent
-question at intervals_). What _was_ the method of baptism among the
-Early Christians?
-
-_The Verger._ We believe it to 'ave been by total immersion, Ma'am.
-
-_The Spect. S._ Oh? _Baptists!_
-
-    [_She sets down the Early Christians as Dissenters, and takes
-    no further interest in them._
-
-_The Verger._ At the back of the choir, and immediately in front of
-you, is the shrine, formerly containing the bones of St. Chasuble,
-with relics of St. Alb. (_An_ Evangelical Sightseer _snorts in
-disapproval_.) The 'ollow depressions in the steps leading up to the
-shrine, which are still visible, were worn away, as you see, by the
-pilgrims ascending on their knees. (_The party verify the depressions
-conscientiously, and click their tongues to express indulgent
-contempt._) The spaces between the harches of the shrine were
-originally enriched by valuable gems and mosaics, all of which 'ave
-now long since disappeared, 'aving been removed by the more devout
-parties who came 'ere on pilgrimages. In the chapel to your left
-a monument with recumbent heffigies of Bishop _Buttress_ and Dean
-_Gurgoyle_, represented laying side by side with clasped 'ands, in
-token of the lifelong affection between them. The late Bishop used to
-make a rather facetious remark about this tomb. He was in the 'abit
-of observing that it was the honly instance in _his_ experience of a
-Bishop being on friendly terms with his Dean. (_He glances round for
-appreciation of this instance of episcopal humour, but is pained to
-find that it has produced a general gloom; the_ Evangelical Sightseer,
-_indeed, conveys by another, and a louder snort, his sense that a
-Bishop ought to set a better example_.) In the harched recess to your
-right, a monument in painted halibarster to Sir RALPH RINGDOVE and
-his lady, erected immediately after her decease by the disconsolate
-widower, with a touching inscription in Latin, stating that their
-ashes would shortly be commingled in the tomb. (_He pauses, to allow
-the ladies of the party to express a becoming sympathy--which they
-do, by clicks._) Sir RALPH himself, however, is interred in Ficklebury
-Parish Church, forty mile from this spot, along with his third wife,
-who survived him.
-
-    [_The ladies regard the image of_ Sir RALPH _with indignation,
-    and pass on; the_ Verger _chuckles faintly at having produced
-    his effect_.
-
-_The Evangelical S._ (_snuffing the air suspiciously_). I'm sorry to
-perceive that you are in the habit of burning _incense_ here!
-
-    [_He looks sternly at the_ Verger, _as though to imply that it
-    is useless to impose upon him_.
-
-_The Verger._ No, Sir, what you smell ain't incense--on'y the vaults
-after the damp weather we've bin 'aving.
-
-    [_The_ Evangelical Sightseer _drops behind, divided between
-    relief and disappointment_.
-
-_A Plastic S._ (_to the_ Verger). What a perfectly _exquisite_
-rose-window that is! For all the world like a kaleidoscope. I suppose
-it dates from the Norman period, at _least?_
-
-_The Verger_ (_coldly_). No. ma'am, it was on'y put up about thirty
-year ago. _We_ consider it the poorest glass we 'ave.
-
-_The Plast. S._ Oh, the glass, yes; _that's_ hideous, certainly. I
-meant the--the other part.
-
-_The Verger._ The tracery, ma'am? That was restored at the same time
-by a local man--and a shocking job he made of it, too!
-
-_The Plast. S._ Yes, it _quite_ spoils the cathedral, _doesn't_ it?
-Couldn't it be taken down?
-
-_The Verger_ (_in answer to another Inquirer_). Crowborough Cathedral
-finer than this, Sir? Oh, _dear_ me, no. I went over a-purpose to 'ave
-a look at it the last 'oliday I took, and I was quite surprised to
-find 'ow very inferior it was. The spire? I don't say that mayn't be
-'igher as a mere matter of feet, but our lantern-tower is so 'appily
-proportioned as to give the effect of being by far the 'ighest in
-existence.
-
-_A Travelled S._ Ah, you should see the _continental_ cathedrals. Why,
-_our_ towers would hardly come up to the top of the naves of some of
-them!
-
-_The Verger_ (_loftily_). I don't take no notice of foreign
-cathedrals, Ma'am. If foreigners like to build so ostentatious, all I
-can say is, I'm sorry _for_ them.
-
-_A Lady_ (_who has provided herself with a "Manual of Architecture"
-and an unsympathetic Companion_). _Do_ notice the excessive use of
-the ball-flower as a decoration, dear. PARKER says it is especially
-characteristic of this cathedral.
-
-_Unsympathetic Companion._ I don't see _any_ flowers myself. And if
-they like to decorate for festivals and that, where's the harm?
-
-    [_The Lady with the Manual perceives that it is hopeless to
-    explain._
-
-_The Verger._ The dog-tooth mouldings round the triforium harches is
-considered to belong to the best period of Norman work----
-
-_The Lady with the Manual._ Surely not _Norman?_ Dog-tooth is Saxon,
-_I_ always understood.
-
-_The Verger_ (_indulgently_). You'll excuse _me_, Ma'am, but I fancy
-it's 'erringbone as is running in _your_ 'ed.
-
-_The Lady with the M._ (_after consulting "Parker" for corroboration,
-in vain_). Well, I'm sure dog-tooth is quite _Early English_, anyway.
-(_To her companion._) Did you know it was the interlacing of the round
-arches that gave the first idea of the pointed arch, dear?
-
-_Her Comp._ No. But I shouldn't have thought there was so very much in
-the _idea_.
-
-_The Lady with the M._ I do _wish_ you took more _interest_, dear.
-Look at those two young men who have just come in. They don't _look_
-as if they'd care for carving; but they've been studying every one of
-the Miserere seats in the choir-stalls. That's what _I_ like to see!
-
-_The Verger._ That concludes my dooties, ladies and gentlemen. You
-can go out by the South Transep door, and that'll take you through the
-Cloisters. (_The Party go out, with the exception of the two 'Arries,
-who linger, expectantly, and cough in embarrassment._) Was there
-anything you wished to know?
-
-_First 'Arry._ Well, Mister, it's on'y--er--'aven't you got some old
-carving or other 'ere of a rather--well, _funny_ kind--sorter thing
-you on'y show to _gentlemen_, if you know what I mean?
-
-_The Verger_ (_austerely_). There's nothing in _this_ Cathedral for
-gentlemen o' _your_ sort, and I'm surprised at your expecting of it.
-
-    [_He turns on his heel._
-
-_First 'Arry_ (_to Second_). I spoke civil enough to _'im_, didn't I?
-What did 'e want to go and git the fair 'ump about?
-
-_Second 'Arry._ Oh, _I_ dunno. But you don't ketch _me_ comin' over to
-no more cathedrils, and wastin' time and money all for nuthink--that's
-all!
-
-    [_They tramp out, feeling that their confidence has been
-    imposed upon._
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-TO A GREEK AT "THE ORIENT."
-
-  At your dress I marvel mutely--
-    Green and white, with gold about;
-  Grandly gay, you absolutely,
-                    Cut me out.
-
-  Like a lamp-shade is that nether
-    Garment, yet, without a doubt,
-  You look fine, and altogether
-                    Cut me out.
-
-  I, dull Englishman, am neatly
-    Clothed in black and grey, without
-  Any colours. You completely
-                    Cut me out.
-
-  She, whose smile is sweetly dimply,
-    Pretty, even though she pout,
-  Seems entranced. With _her_ you simply
-                    Cut me out.
-
-  She admires you, and she barely
-    Looks at me, a sombre lout.
-  Hang you, in that dress you fairly
-                    Cut me out.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-GENTLE AND SOOTHING OCCUPATION FOR AN OARSMAN.--"Stroking an eight."
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-[Illustration: BOTANY; OR, A DAY IN THE COUNTRY.
-
-"SAY, BILLIE, SHALL WE GAVER MUSHROOMS?"
-
-"YUS. I'M A BEGGAR TO CLIMB!"]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-MEETING A VERY OLD FRIEND.
-
-(_A Postscript to a Well-known Work._)
-
-ALICE was delighted with all she saw. Statesmen, generals, celebrities
-of every kind. Then there were marvellous animals--some ferocious,
-others satirical, every one of them as true to nature as could be.
-
-"Where am I?" asked ALICE.
-
-"In the gallery of the Fine Arts Society, 148, New Bond Street."
-
-"And, please, who has done all these wonderful things?"
-
-"The great J. T.," was the reply.
-
-And then she fell to admiring them. She had some difficulty in getting
-to the drawings, for every picture was surrounded by a little crowd
-of worshippers. And she was not in the least surprised, because the
-devotion had been justly earned. Before her she found a specimen of
-the labours of nearly half a century. Everything good and beautiful.
-
-"Dear me!" she murmured, as she approached No. 160 in the Catalogue.
-"Why here I am myself! I am so glad I am like that. What should I have
-been had I not had so kind an artist to sketch me?"
-
-And the possibility opened out such a vista of disasters that ALICE
-was almost moved to tears. But she soon regained her gaiety when she
-had glanced at "_Winding 'em up_" (No. 161), "_A Bicycle built for
-Two_" (No. 148), and "_The Mask of Momus_" (No. 99).
-
-"But shall I meet the Knights?" she asked, after a while. "I should,
-because I certainly am living in Wonderland."
-
-Then there was a chorus crying, "This is the work of the Black and
-White Knight, the greatest of all the Knights--good Sir JOHN."
-
-And ALICE agreed in an opinion held by all the world.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-ANOTHER TESTIMONIAL TO THE G. O. M.--In recognition of his most recent
-contribution to sacred literature. Mr. G. is to be presented with the
-freedom of the Dry-Psalter's company.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.
-
-_She._ "I'M SURPRISED TO SEE YOUR WIFE IN SUCH A _VERY_ LOW GOWN THIS
-COLD EVENING, BARON! I HEARD SHE WAS DELICATE."
-
-_He._ "ACH, NO! SHE VOS. BUT NOW, SANK HEAFEN, SHE IS KVITE
-_IN_DELICATE AGAIN!"]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-"QUOUSQUE TANDEM?" OR, ONE AT A TIME.
-
-_Duologue in a Dog-cart._
-
-_Driver._ Tc-c-c-h-k! Tc-c-c-h-k!!
-
-_Officious Friend._ Steady there! Wo-o-o-a!!
-
-_Driver_ (_aside_). Confound the fellow! I wish he wouldn't fidget so.
-
-_Officious Friend_ (_aside_). _He_ drive tandem? Wish he'd hand the
-ribbons to _me!_
-
-_Driver_ (_aloud_). Leader steps along, doesn't he?
-
-_Officious Friend_ (_aloud_). Ya-a-s. Bit _too_ fast, I fancy. Forgets
-that the wheeler has to do the work.
-
-_Driver._ Humph! Not so sure of that, in this case. Rather weedy, you
-know, and just a bit of a slug, if you ask me. _I_ think they'd do
-better reversed--this journey, anyhow.
-
-_Officious Friend_ (_testily_). Nonsense! You never _have_ done that
-wheeler justice. Fact is you don't understand the horse's character,
-or how to get the best out of him. Now I----
-
-_Driver_ (_adapting old Trin. Coll., Cam., Recitation_).
-
-  "Fact is, he understood computing
-    The odds at any bye-election;
-  Was a dead hand at elocuting,
-    Satire, and candidate-selection;
-  But, like his parallel, Lord RANDOM,
-  He couldn't, somehow, drive a tandem."
-
-_Officious Friend._ What _are_ you muttering about? You know I'm not
-up in poetry. As to poor Lord RANDOM, he was a smart whip, anyhow,
-and though I don't agree with "Z" in his impertinent comparisons,
-still----
-
-_Driver._ Still? Well, I wish you'd _sit_ still, old fellow, and not
-fidget with the reins. You're fretting that leader awfully.
-
-_Officious Friend._ Confound the leader! Leaders, equine
-or--otherwise--(_sotto voce_: I was _going_ to say asinine!)--are so
-apt to give themselves airs, and fancy they're pulling all the weight.
-Old G., for example!
-
-_Driver._ Ah! and he's not the _only_ instance.
-
-    [_Sighs._
-
-_Officious Friend._ If G. had taken my tip, he'd never have upset the
-coach as he did. But handlers of the ribbons are always so obstinate.
-Look out! Mind that finger-post! Why, the leader nearly ran into it.
-
-_Driver._ Not at all, dear boy. But we'll run into _something_, and be
-both spilt if you don't leave off twitching at the reins.
-
-_Officious Friend_ (_reading finger-post_). Leamington! Hythe! Aha!
-Now I think--as I know these roads well--if you'd just let _me_----
-
-_Driver_ (_decisively_). Look here, old man! You remember our Compact?
-
-_Officious Friend_ (_impatiently_). Oh, of course, of course. But--I
-don't quite understand it as you seem to do.
-
-_Driver._ Humph! (_Again adapting._)
-
-  "Your Rule of the Road seems a paradox, quite;
-    For, in tooling our dog-cart along,
-  If _you_'re left with the reins you are sure to be right,
-    If the reins are _my_ right, it's all wrong."
-
-_Officious Friend._ Oh, more poetry! What a chap you are for
-Metaphysics and the Muses! Now the foundations of _my_ belief are
-facts and figures.
-
-_Driver_ (_meditatively_). It's a fact that the Tory total figures out
-much larger than the Liberal Unionist.
-
-_Officious Friend._ Oh, bother! What's that got to do with it! Our
-Compact----
-
-_Driver._ Is ours--not Leamington's it seems.
-
-    [_Hums._
-
-  "There was a man at Leamington,
-    Who thought it would be nice
-  To jump into a Tory seat
-    By help of Tory "ayes."
-  But if those "ayes" should be "put out,"
-    It _may_ prove no great gain
-  Jumping into a Tory seat
-    To please J. CH-MB-RL-N!"
-
-_Officious Friend_ (_grabbing reins_). Here, I say! Whilst droning out
-your doggerel you're forgetting your driving. Where _are_ you going?
-Look at that dashed leader!
-
-    [_Leader faces sharp round and fidgets._
-
-_Driver_ (_sharply_). No wonder! Woa, lad, woa! Why on earth did you
-tug at the reins like that. I tell you that horse won't stand much
-more of it. Do you want a spill as well as a split?
-
-_Officious Friend._ Why, no! But according to our Compact, the
-wheeler----
-
-_Driver._ According to our Compact it's _my_ turn at the ribbons
-to-day. One at a time, if you please. Do you call _this_ driving
-tandem? We shall never get on like this! Are you driving this
-dog-cart, or am I?
-
-    [_Left settling it._
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-[Illustration: "QUOUSQUE TANDEM?" OR, ONE AT A TIME.
-
-ARTH-R B-LF-R (_driver, to officious friend_, JOE CH-MB-RL-N). "WE
-SHALL NEVER GET ON LIKE THIS! AM I DRIVING OR ARE _YOU?_"]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-[Illustration:
-
-_Mrs. Smith._ "I THINK IT DREADFUL THAT YOUR DIVORCE LAWS IN AMERICA
-SHOULD BE SO MUCH MORE LENIENT THAN THEY ARE IN ENGLAND."
-
-_Mr. Van Rensselaer._ "WELL, YOU SEE, MY DEAR MADAM, IN ENGLAND
-DIVORCE IS A LUXURY--WHILE WITH US IT IS--ER--A NECESSITY!"]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
-
-MARCO POLO ULYSSES HENRY NORMAN, having returned from a comprehensive
-tour in foreign parts, has set forth his experience in a handsome
-volume published by FISHER UNWIN. _The Far Fast_ is its alluring and
-well-sustained title. But why drag in ULYSSES and MARCO POLO? Their
-journeyings were on the scale of a jaunt to Switzerland as compared
-with Mr. NORMAN'S. He has travelled through British, French, Spanish
-and Portuguese Colonies; has visited Siberia, China, Japan, Corea,
-Siam and Malaya. Whether in his study of political problems, his
-pictures of people, or his sketches of scenery, he is equally keen and
-habile. Anything that relates to China is peculiarly interesting
-just now, and Mr. NORMAN throws a flood of light on the state of
-the unwieldly empire. The description of the examination halls is
-instructive. The Government of China, Mr. NORMAN testifies, is a vast
-system of competitive examination tempered by bribery. Those who
-come out successfully in examinations--the subject-matter of which is
-knowledge of the works of CONFUCIUS, the history of China, and the
-art of writing as practised by the old masters--have berths found
-them under the Government. They are sent all over the country to be
-magistrates, generals, ship captains, engineers, without having the
-slightest acquaintance with details or systems over which they are put
-in a position of command. This fully accounts for what has taken place
-in recent campaigns by land and sea in the Far East. We can't all
-undertake Mr. NORMAN'S monumental journey. But, adapting SHERIDAN'S
-advice to his son on a certain occasion, my Baronite counsels the
-public to read _The Far East_ and say they've been there.
-
-The immortal FLACCUS (writes one of the Baron's assistants) has, it
-appears, been sojourning in Cambridge, having gone into residence
-there some time before he stayed at Hawarden, either for translation
-or perversion. I make this statement after reading a delightful little
-book of light verse entitled _Horace at Cambridge_, by OWEN
-SEAMAN (London, A. D. INNES & CO.). To every University man, and
-particularly, of course, to Cambridge men, this book will be a
-rare treat. But in virtue of its humour, its extreme and felicitous
-dexterity of workmanship both in rhyme and metre, and the aptness
-of its allusions, it will appeal to a far wider public. I pledge Mr.
-SEAMAN in a bumper of College Audit! and beg him to give us more of
-his work.
-
-  THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-THE OLYMPIANS THREATEN.--A real ice rink, "said to be the largest in
-the world," is in course of construction at Olympia. Does "Niagara"
-realise, or, as in this conjunction it might be written, "real-ice,"
-the fact that its own nice invention may, by its rival, be beaten all
-to shivers?
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-FROM "LOVE'S LABOUR."--What our Sir FREDERIC, P.R.A. (quoting the
-Divine WILLIAMS), will soon be saying to the accepted artist, "_Bid
-him go hang!_"
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-A COCK AND BULL STORY.
-
-AIR--"_Casabianca._"
-
-    ["European navies were like fighting-cocks, armed to the
-    teeth; a single spark might cause an explosion."
-
-    _Dr. MacGregor on the Navy Estimates._]
-
-  The fighting-cock stood on the deck,
-    His eye was rolling red,
-  His feathers whiffled round his neck,
-    His crest was on his head.
-
-  He wore his spur above his heel,
-    His claws were underneath,
-  He also had a mass of steel
-    Plate-armour on his teeth.
-
-  Meanwhile the House was haggling on
-    In one of those debates
-  When Little England jumps upon
-    The Navy Estimates.
-
-  There CLEOPHAS, of many wiles,
-    Brought up his little lot,
-  And Mr. BYLES, with wreathed smiles,
-    Was deadly on the spot.
-
-  And LABBY said the bootless pay
-    Of navies should be stamped on;
-  "There is no boot!" as strikers say
-    In LABBY'S own Northampton.
-
-  "Then came a burst of thunder-sound"
-    That shook the very street,
-  And lo! MACGREGOR'S form was found
-    To be upon its feet.
-
-  He called the rates a great expense,
-    He was a peaceful Scot,
-  And said the talk about "defense"
-    Was simply Tommy-rot.
-
-  Far better for his country's good,
-    So long allowed to bleed,
-  If only half the money could
-    Be spent across the Tweed.
-
-  Then with a petrifying shout,
-    Like some _clamantis vox_,
-  He fetched a trumpet-note about
-    The teeth of fighting-cocks.
-
-  A simile of crew and crew
-    All ripe for any ruction;
-  (Refer to verses one and two,
-    Or else the introduction).
-
-  A spark might fall from out the sea,
-    Completely unforeboded,
-  And then the birds--where would they be?
-    Why, they would be exploded.
-
-  He looked around for some applause
-    From front or side or rear;
-  They never said a word, because
-    They hadn't strength to cheer.
-
-  With many an accidental jest
-    The hearts of men were full,
-  But O! the thing they liked the best
-    Was bold MACGREGOR'S bull!
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-"SUR LE TAPIS" DE BRUXELLES.
-
-However clever as a dramatic author he, M. MAURICE MAETERLINCK of
-Brussels, may be, it is rather handicapping him to be dubbed by
-enthusiastic but injudicious admirers "The Belgian SHAKSPEARE,"
-though, of course, "Belgian" does qualify the SHAKSPEARE, just as
-Brussels prefixed to sprout decides the character of that favourite
-and useful vegetable. M. MAETERLINCK may be the "coming on," or
-sprouting, dramatist of the future. Up to the present time there has
-not been much in any way to connect Belgian and English drama,
-so MAETERLINCK may be the missing link destined to electrically
-illuminate "all the world," which "is," as the Divine WILLIAMS
-remarks, "a stage."
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS.
-
-THE PROCEDURE IN THE LAW COURTS HAD MANY POINTS OF RESEMBLANCE TO
-OUR OWN BUT AT TIMES IT WAS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO GIVE UNDIVIDED
-ATTENTION TO THE EVIDENCE!]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-PROPOSED RULES FOR THE LADIES' UNIVERSAL ATHLETIC ASSOCIATION.
-
-    (_Compiled by One thoroughly Conversant with the Necessities
-    of the Situation._)
-
-1. The costume of every member of the Club shall be of the most
-elegant description. The design shall not be governed by the
-requirements of the game for which the uniform is required, but rather
-by the characteristics of the wearer.
-
-2. Red and blue shall be worn according to the complexion of the
-player, and the choice of teams shall depend not upon prowess or
-locality, but the colour of the hair and eyes and the formation of the
-noses.
-
-3. Patent leather shoes shall invariably form a part of the _grande
-tenue_ of the Club, with high heels at discretion.
-
-4. Football shall be played with a light india-rubber globe,
-and "pushing" shall be strictly forbidden. However, it shall be
-permissible for one player to hold an opponent tightly by the hands if
-the former thinks the latter is about to give it "quite a hard kick"
-with her toe.
-
-5. No angry language will be allowed, but one member may tell another,
-in the height of an exciting contest, that she is "a spiteful,
-disagreeable old thing." On very special occasions the word "There!"
-may be added with emphasis.
-
-6. Cricket shall never be allowed to last for more than half an hour,
-and cups of tea shall be served to the strikers between the overs.
-
-7. Only ladies shall be permitted to watch the game of the members,
-as a rule. However, at times when everyone is looking her best,
-individuals of the inferior sex shall be admitted to the football
-ground or cricket field, on the condition that they "promise not to
-laugh."
-
-8. Players at football, cricket, and other games sanctioned by the
-Association, shall have full liberty to make their own rules and keep
-their own appointments. They will be usually expected to wait until a
-match is finished, unless called away to take a drive in the Park, or
-do a little shopping.
-
-9 and Lastly. As women are as excellent as men at field sports, the
-members of the Club shall be entitled to the franchise.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-[Illustration: SEQUELAE!
-
-_The General._ "_YOU_'VE HAD IT, I SUPPOSE?"
-
-_The Judge._ "I SHOULD THINK SO. I'M AS WEAK AS A RAT!"
-
-_The General._ "THAT'S NOTHING. _I'M_ AS WEAK AS _TWO_ RATS!"
-
-_The Judge._ "BUT _TWO_ RATS ARE STRONGER THAN _ONE_ RAT!"
-
-_The General._ "IF YOU ARGUE, I SHALL CRY!"]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-
-THE LATEST FROM SOL.
-
-    SCENE--_The Sun. First Solarist discovered reading local
-    journal to Second Solarist._
-
-_First Solarist._ I say, have you seen what this century's _Earth_
-says?
-
-_Second Solarist._ No; it's much too hot for reading newspapers.
-
-_First S._ Why, the idiotic people on that ridiculous little planet
-have just discovered the existence of Helium!
-
-_Second S._ Dear me! How long have they taken about that?
-
-_First S._ About six thousand years (according to mundane measure), or
-thereabouts.
-
-_Second S._ They seem to have plenty of leisure on their hands! And
-now that they _have_ found out Helium, of what use will it be to them?
-
-_First S._ Oh, that they will probably discover in another fix
-thousand years! Let's liquor!
-
-    [_Exeunt. Scene closes in upon an eclipse._
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-BALLAD OF THE UNSURPRISED JUDGE.
-
-    ["Mr. Justice HAWKINS observed, 'I am surprised at
-    nothing.'"--_Pitts v. Joseph, "Times'" Report, March 27._]
-
-  All hail to Sir HENRY, whom nothing surprises;
-    Ye Judges and suitors, regard him with awe,
-  As he sits up aloft on the Bench and applies his
-    Swift mind to the shifts and the tricks of the Law.
-  Many years has he lived, and has always seen clear things
-    That Nox seemed to hide from our average eyes:
-  But still, though encompassed with all sorts of queer things,
-    He never, no never gives way to surprise.
-
-  When a rogue, for example, a company-monger,
-    Grows fat on the gain of the shares he has sold,
-  While the public gets lean, winning nothing but hunger
-    And a few scraps of scrip for its masses of gold;
-  When the fat man goes further and takes to religion,
-    A rascal in hymn-books and bibles disguised,
-  "It's a case," says Sir HENRY, "of rook _versus_ pigeon,
-    And the pigeon gets left--well, I'm hardly surprised."
-
-  There's a Heath at Newmarket, and horses that run there,
-    There are owners and jockeys, and sharpers and flats;
-  There are some who do nicely, and some who are done there,
-    There are loud men with pencils and satchels and hats.
-  But the Stewards see nothing of betting or money,
-    As they stand in the blinkers for Stewards devised;
-  Their blindness may strike HENRY HAWKINS as funny,
-    But he only smiles softly, he isn't surprised.
-
-  So, here's to Sir HENRY, the terror of tricksters,
-    Of Law he's a master, and likewise a limb:
-  His mind never once, when its purpose is fixed, errs;
-    For cuteness there's none holds a candle to him.
-  Let them try to deceive him, why, bless you, he's _been_ there,
-    And can track his way straight through a tangle of lies;
-  And, though some might grow grey at the things he has seen there,
-    He never, no never, gives way to surprise.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
-
-EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
-
-_House of Lords, Monday, March 25._--Impossible to avoid noticing
-depression of the MARKISS when he entered House to-night. At first
-thought feelings of a father had overcome him. CRANBORNE, immediately
-after eloquent and energetic attack in other House of Welsh
-Disestablishment Bill, was struck down by indisposition, reported to
-be measles. That all very well. Do not wish to suggest anything wrong;
-but coincidence at least remarkable. Measles, the Member for SARK
-tells me, can be conveyed in various apparently innoxious guises. In
-a controversy so acrid that GEORGE OSBORNE MORGAN has been publicly
-accused of profligacy, men will, it is too obvious, go any lengths.
-At present there is nothing that can be called evidence to connect
-CRANBORNE'S sudden indisposition with current controversy. But if this
-mysterious attack is followed by symptoms of croup, rickets, teething,
-or any other complaint usually associated with happy days in the
-nursery, the public will know what to think.
-
-Happily it turned out that the depression of the MARKISS had nothing
-to do with the condition of the heir of Hatfield. His sympathetic
-heart been touched by difficulties that environ a worthy class of
-men whom LORD CHANCELLOR, conscious that COBB'S eye is upon him,
-has recently been making magistrates. "Excellent persons," says
-the MARKISS; "self-made men. But unfortunately the process of
-self-manufacture does not include knowledge of the statutes at large."
-There is the Parish Councils Act, for example; one of those pieces of
-legislation with which a reckless Radical majority has embarrassed an
-ancient State. This law has to be administered by people unlearned
-in Acts of Parliament. They cannot take a step without having sixteen
-volumes of the statutes at large tucked under their arms. What the
-benevolent and thoughtful MARKISS suggested was, that in all future
-legislation there shall be reprinted sections of Acts of Parliament
-referred to in text of Bill.
-
-House listened with admiration to statesman who, his mind engrossed
-by imperial cares, could find time to think out schemes for easing the
-pathway of working-men magistrates, and assisting operation of Parish
-Councils Act. Only, somehow, there was left on minds of hearers a
-strong impression that working-men magistrates are a mistake, and the
-Parish Councils Act a public injury, of which the Government ought to
-be more than ordinarily ashamed.
-
-_Business done._--More speech-making round Welsh Disestablishment Bill
-in Commons. Direfully dull.
-
-_House of Commons, Tuesday._--"Speakers may come, and Speakers may
-go," said the Member for SARK, "but as long as the House of Commons
-produces men like VICARY GIBBS the institution is safe, and the
-State rocks safely on its everlasting foundations. It was, you will
-remember, VICARY who directly, though undesignedly, led to the row
-on that famous night in June when Home-Rule Committee was closured.
-VICARY shares with Heaven the peculiarity that order is his first
-law. On that particular night somebody had said something, and
-VICARY wanted to have his words taken down. Amid growing uproar
-his observations were inaudible to the Chair, and his presence
-undistinguishable. Some men would thereupon have resumed their seat.
-VICARY, his soul athirst to have something 'taken down,' moved on to
-the Front Opposition Bench, and shouted his desire in MELLOR'S left
-ear. Then LOGAN suddenly loomed large on the scene. HAYES FISHER
-reached forth a red right hand and shook him by the collar. Next an
-anonymous Irish Member fell over the bench on to SAUNDERSON'S knee,
-and was there incontinently but heartily pummelled. After that chaos;
-all arising out of VICARY GIBBS'S insatiable, uncontrollable desire to
-have something 'taken down' in the sacred name of order."
-
-These musings on the mighty past were occasioned by VICARY once
-more unexpectedly, but sternly and effectively, interposing as the
-custodian of order. WEIR broken out in epidemic of questions;
-puts down eleven on the paper; runs them up to the full score by
-supplementary questions, invariably prefaced by the formula "Is the
-right hon. gentleman A. WEIR that----?" A poor joke, its only flash of
-humour being in the subtly varied tone with which the SPEAKER eleven
-times pronounced the words, "Mr. WEIR." Also grotesquely funny to hear
-the reverberation of the deep chest notes, in which WEIR, with tragic
-sweep of _pince-nez_ on to his nose, said in succession, "Ques-ti-on
-one," "Ques-ti-on two," and so on.
-
-Touch of tragedy came in when VICARY, managing to throw into tone and
-form of question conviction that SQUIRE OF MALWOOD was secretly at
-bottom of the whole business, asked him whether this was not abuse
-of forms of the House, calculated to lead to curtailment of valuable
-privilege. No use SQUIRE assuming air of innocence. House knew all
-about it. Refreshed and revived by VICARY'S timely vindication of law
-and order, proceeded to business.
-
-_Business done._--Fourth night's Debate on Welsh Church
-Disestablishment Bill. The still prevalent dulness varied by speech
-from PLUNKET; witched the House by music of stately though simple
-eloquence.
-
-_Thursday._--Desperate dulness of week further relieved by discovery
-of new game. TOMMY BOWLES, _Inv._ House just got into Committee of
-Supply; Vote on Account under discussion; this covers multitudinous
-items; every spending department of State concerned. When Committee
-of Supply deals with Army Estimates, CAWMELL-BANNERMAN and the WINSOME
-WOODALL in their places. The rest of Ministers may go away, knowing
-that everything is well. The same when Navy Estimates are on, or
-when particular votes in the Civil Service Estimates are to the fore.
-Ministers of particular departments affected in their place; the rest
-at liberty.
-
-To-night, as no one knew who might be called on next, all agreed to
-stop away--all but the faithful HIBBERT. Cap'en TOMMY, as usual, aloft
-in the Crow's Nest, perceived this weak point. Hauling on the bowline,
-and making all taut, he bore down swiftly on the Treasury Bench, and
-hailed it for the President of the Board of Trade. Wanted to talk to
-BRYCE, he said, about lighthouses. No one knew better than TOMMY that
-BRYCE wasn't aboard. According to regulations, he ought to have been.
-Search made for him. Presently brought in with hands in pockets,
-trying to whistle, and otherwise present appearance of indifference.
-But a poor show.
-
-Encouraged by this success, Private HANBURY, observing ROBERTSON was
-among absentees, addressed question to Civil Lord of Admiralty about
-Peterhead Harbour. HIBBERT'S agony of mind at this juncture would have
-softened harder hearts. An elderly hen, that has counted its brood
-seven times, on each occasion finding one or two missing, not more
-perturbed. Looked up and down Treasury Bench. ROBERTSON, not within
-sight; might be below the Gangway. Vain hope. For Members opposite
-interest in Peterhead Harbour growing keener and more urgent. FRANCIS
-POWELL, usually mild-mannered man, went so far as to move to report
-progress. MELLOR declined to put question.
-
-"Very well," said the Blameless BARTLEY, with air of martyr. "We must
-go on talking about Peterhead Harbour till the Minister comes in."
-
-So he did, and when he ran dry TOMLINSON (having meanwhile ascertained
-where Peterhead Harbour is) took up the wondrous tale. Talking when
-HIBBERT reappeared, his breast now swelling with maternal pride and
-satisfaction. He had found the lost chick, and clucked low notes of
-supreme content as he brought him back to the roost. Pretty to see
-how, Civil Lord in his place, all interest in Peterhead Harbour
-subsided, Busy B's turning their attention to alleged felonious
-underrating of Government property.
-
-[Illustration: Sir John Leng strongly objects to Lion-taming
-Exhibitions.]
-
-_Business done._--Vote on Account through Committee. Sir JOHN LENG
-calls ASQUITH'S attention to dangerous occupation of lion-tamers.
-"All very well," he says, "for doughty knight like me. But these poor
-fellows with families shouldn't be allowed to run risks."
-
-_Friday Night._--"What's the business at to-night's sitting?" asked
-SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, looking over Orders of the Day. "Home Rule all
-round? Very well. Shall give practical proof of adherence to principle
-by stopping at home."
-
-JOHN MORLEY did same, most other Ministers following suit.
-CAWMEL-BANNERMAN sacrificed himself on altar of country. But insisted
-that he might at least dine out in interval between morning and
-evening sitting that made last day of Parliamentary week. His snowy
-shirt front gave air of almost reckless joviality to desolate Treasury
-Bench. PRINCE ARTHUR, not to be outdone in chivalry, also looked in
-after dinner, brightening up Front Bench opposite Minister for War.
-But two swallows don't make a summer, nor two gentlemen in evening
-dress a festive party. TREVELYAN only man in earnest, and he terribly
-so.
-
-_Business done._--Home Rule all round decreed by majority of 26 in
-House of 230.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-THE NEW CHIVALRY.
-
-    ["In a case heard before Judge FRENCH at Shoreditch, the Judge
-    remarked that the plea of infancy was not a very meritorious
-    one. 'No,' replied the defendant, 'but it's jolly
-    convenient.'"--_The Globe._]
-
-  When, toddling along with a swell, I pretend
-  Not to notice a shabby (though excellent) friend,--
-  Well, it is _not_ lofty, to that I assent,
-  But then, "it's so jolly con-ve-ni-ent!"
-
-  When a tenant has built up a business with care,
-  And saved to his landlord all cost of repair,
-  It may not be kind just to double his rent,
-  Yet somehow "it's jolly con-ve-ni-ent!"
-
-  If you've suffered, in polling, a "moral defeat,"
-  Then to grab each Committee and every paid seat
-  Some might say was the act of a "cad," not a "gent";
-  But, you see, "it's so jolly con-ve-ni-ent!"
-
-  Then your house is for sale, and, if gifted with brains,
-  You, of course, do not mention the damp, rats, and drains
-  Which is not what the ancients by "honesty" meant,
-  But, still, it _is_ "jolly con-ve-ni-ent!"
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-
-
-
-Transcriber's Note
-
-Page 159: Footnote [A] refers to
-
-  [www.] gutenberg.org/ebooks/30739
-
-Page 168: 'progess' corrected to 'progress'.
-
-"FRANCIS POWELL, usually mild-mannered man, went so far as to move to
-report progress."
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-
-
-
-
-
-End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
-108, April 6, 1895, by Various
-
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