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diff --git a/44855.txt b/44855.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 90b7604..0000000 --- a/44855.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,9412 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Elizabethan and Jacobean Pamphlets, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Elizabethan and Jacobean Pamphlets - -Author: Various - -Editor: George Saintsbury - -Release Date: February 9, 2014 [EBook #44855] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ELIZABETHAN AND JACOBEAN PAMPHLETS *** - - - - -Produced by Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -Transcriber's note: - -In this text a superscript character is indicated with ^ - -The macron is indicated with [=a] [=e] - -The many inconsistencies in this book are as in the original. - -Greek is rendered phoentically. - - * * * * * - - _Demy 16mo, 3s. 6d. each. - Bound in paper boards, with parchment back._ - - THE POCKET LIBRARY - - OF - - ENGLISH LITERATURE - - EDITED BY GEORGE SAINTSBURY - - A collection, in separate volumes, partly of extracts from - long books, partly of short pieces, by the same writer, on the - same subject, or of the same class. - - Vol. I.--TALES OF MYSTERY. - II.--POLITICAL VERSE. - III.--DEFOE'S MINOR NOVELS. - IV.--POLITICAL PAMPHLETS. - V.--SEVENTEENTH CENTURY LYRICS. - VI.--ELIZABETHAN AND JACOBEAN PAMPHLETS. - - LONDON: PERCIVAL & CO. - - - - - ELIZABETHAN & JACOBEAN - PAMPHLETS - - EDITED BY - GEORGE SAINTSBURY - - LONDON - PERCIVAL AND CO. - 1892 - - - - - CONTENTS - - - PAGE - - INTRODUCTION vii - - I. THOMAS LODGE. - Reply to Gosson 1 - - II. JOHN LYLY (?) - Pap with a Hatchet 43 - - III. NICHOLAS BRETON. - A Pretty and Witty Discourse 84 - - IV. ROBERT GREENE. - Groat's Worth of Wit 115 - - V. GABRIEL HARVEY. - Precursor to Pierce's Supererogation 164 - - VI. THOMAS NASH. - Prognostication 185 - - VII. THOMAS DEKKER. - The Gull's Hornbook 209 - - NOTES 277 - - - - -INTRODUCTION - - -I can conceive some readers, not necessarily frivolous, -anticipating little pleasure from a volume devoted -to examples of Elizabethan and Jacobean -pamphlets. It must be the business of the volume I -have planned to convince them that they are wrong. -But even before that volume is read, I think it not -impossible to show cause for its right to exist. The -originals of these pamphlets, except a few which have -become familiar in consequence of their bearing on -Shakespearian questions, were till recently almost -unknown, except to a few scholars and antiquaries, -and are still for the most part inaccessible except in -the original editions, which are bought at large prices -by collectors, or in limited and often privately issued -modern reprints. Yet their interest is very great. The -pamphlet of the late sixteenth and early seventeenth -century corresponded much more nearly to the modern -periodical than to anything else, unless, indeed, it be -the modern newspaper. It included fiction, sketches of -society, accounts of travel, literary criticism, personal -controversy, theology,--the whole farrago, in short, of -the non-political columns of our journals. It was in -many cases written by men of much greater talent than -the average journalist of the present day. In one -remarkable case--that of the so-called Martin Marprelate -controversy--it holds a position almost unique, -or only shared by the not wholly dissimilar groups of -literature which included and grew up round Pascal's -_Provinciales_ and the _Tracts for the Times_. Above -all, it has the advantage of a singular variety of subject, -and of presenting the opportunity of making a great -number of lively extracts, certainly faithful to the -manners of the time, and showing those manners in a -fashion not easy to surpass in freshness, contrast of -colour, and incisive outline. - -The pamphlet was one of the most immediate and -necessary creations of the printing press. Before that -invention it was hardly possible, and a very considerable -time had to elapse afterwards before the -combination of education in the reader, command -of mechanical means in the diffuser, and changed -political conditions, enabled the newspaper to supplant -it. The pamphlet, so far as production is -concerned, when once private presses are accessible, -gives few hostages to fortune or to the strong hand of -authority. It may make but a single appearance, and -then the type is broken up, the machinery removed, -and the printed copies left to find their way and do -their work. A newspaper must have more or less of -a headquarters, definite managers, at the very least a -regular place and time of appearance at which it can be -waited for and snapped up. Of the advantages offered -by the pamphlet there is a good example in the fact -that under the active, intelligent, and almost despotic -government of Elizabeth, though the Martin Marprelate -tracts excited the intensest hatred not merely of -the lay authorities but of a powerful and omnipresent -ecclesiastical corporation, the presses were only once -(at Newton Lane in Lancashire) discovered and seized. -In less perilous matter the pamphlet, if it did not give -so much protection, 'obliged' even less. Its cost was -small; the author was in no way bound to follow it -up with anything else. It took him but a little time to -produce; its profit, if there was any, came in quickly; -it could be sold out before pirates could get hold of -it; it did not frighten the unlearned by bulk and -pretensions. On the other hand, of course, it had its -drawbacks. It was of its nature, and in more points -than one of that nature, ephemeral. The chances -were rather against than in favour of its being -preserved; for even in these days when most people -have a library or book-room of some kind, the very -student himself acknowledges with gnashings of teeth -the way things published in pamphlet form have of -'going under,' of simply disappearing, he cannot -tell how or whither. Hence the real and intrinsic -interest of the pamphlet has had added to it the -accidental and factitious interest of rarity. It is -hardly a paradox to say that one of the best chances -which such a thing had of surviving was the fact of -its being proscribed and burnt by the hangman. -There was then some reason for treasuring it instead -of letting it go to clean boots, light fires, and wrap -pounds of butter. - -The pamphlets of the Elizabethan age were almost -as often in verse as in prose, the superior attraction -of verse for early and uncultivated audiences not -having died out. Indeed, far later than the period -covered by this volume, things continued to be -written in verse which were merely pamphlets, and -gave us both matter of eternity, such as _Absalom and -Achitophel_ or _Religio Laici_, and hard-bound doggerel -like Defoe's _True-Born Englishman_ and _Jure Divino_. -The Elizabethan verse pamphlet, which was largely -written by Thomas Churchyard, Nicholas Breton, -John Davies, Samuel Rowlands, and others, is a -curiosity, but as a rule very little more; and I do not -propose to give any examples of it here. Nor, the -space at my command being all too limited, have I -thought it necessary to draw in this present volume -on the miscellaneous pamphlets of the times. The examples -will be taken from what may be called the great -single pamphleteers or pamphlet collections--that is -to say, Lodge, Greene, Nash, Harvey, 'Martin Marprelate' -and the anti-Martinists, Breton, and Dekker. -Some particulars of each of the selected authors or -groups may appropriately be given in this introduction. - -No minor Elizabethan author is better known than -Robert Greene, partly from the fact that he touches -Shakespeare, and partly from the other fact that his -short and ill-spent life was that of the typical Bohemian, -and so interests those who like gossip about men of -letters. He was born in 1560 at Norwich, was -educated at Clare Hall, Cambridge (being also subsequently -incorporated at Oxford), travelled on the -Continent, married, treated his wife very badly, may -have been both a clerk in orders and a student of -medicine, lived recklessly in London as a dramatist and -pamphleteer, and died at the age of thirty-two either -_propter_ or merely _post_ undue consumption of pickled -herrings and Rhenish wine. His plays, though full -of the ante-Shakespearian crudity and unskilled workmanship, -have many graceful touches; the songs -which he scattered about both his plays and his -poems are frequently charming; his pamphlets, which, -short as his life was, are very numerous, perhaps rank, -on the whole, above those of any other Elizabethan -writer for combined bulk, variety, and merit. They -were produced in the space of about ten years -(1583-92). Those certainly known to be his, or -probably attributed to him, are nearly thirty in -number, and almost defy classification. Some of -them approach that strange type of novel consisting -of a minimum of story, a maximum of moralising, and, -if I may say so, a _plusquam_-maximum of conceited style, -the example of which had been set in Lyly's _Euphues_. -Not a few are personal reminiscences--how far deliberately -imbued with an exaggerated profession of -repentance in order to hit readers with both barrels -it is very hard to say. A distinct and very -interesting set deals with the ways of the Elizabethan -'conny-catcher,' the 'Captain Rook' (though -usually of lower grade) of the time. Others are -pure book-making, as we should call it now, -about subjects which for political or other reasons -happened to be in the public eye at the moment. -Greene is certainly one of the most typical of his -fellowship. - -With him and close to him may be ranked Thomas -Lodge, who was his contemporary, and for a time -his comrade; but who, unlike Greene, settled down -as a Roman Catholic physician, and outliving the -hapless 'Roberto' more than thirty years, did not die -till the last year of James. Lodge had perhaps higher -powers than Greene, except in drama. One of his -pamphlets, 'Rosalynde' or 'Euphues' Golden Legacy', -gave Shakespeare, as most people now know, the -subject of _As You Like It_, and has been more than -once reprinted for that reason. He had also a faculty -of which Greene shows no trace whatever--that of an -accomplished literary critic; and twice, in answer to -Gosson and Campion, took the right side against some -of the literary heresies which animated that active and -fruitful time. He was decidedly best in the euphuist -romance, but he also practised the social satire -pamphlet with no small success. - -Nash and Harvey shared with Greene the luck, -good or other, of being earlier presented in their lives, -and in at least some of their works, to modern writers -than their fellows. Indeed, Greene's not wholly enviable -fame is as much due to the quarrels of these two -as to his own works. Gabriel Harvey, the elder but -very much the less able of the two, was a Fellow of -Pembroke College, Cambridge, a friend of Sidney -and of Spenser (whose _Faerie Queene_ he unmercifully -snubbed, preferring the curious fancy of classical -metres which was long patronised by the 'Areopagus' -or Sidneian clique), and a man of real scholarship. But -his exemplification of the worst faults of the university -prig, and the pitiless exposure of them in his controversy -with Thomas Nash (a younger Cambridge man, -and wielder of the sharpest and most unscrupulous -pen of his time), have brought down such hard language -on him from most literary historians that one or two -charitable or paradoxical souls have been tempted -to take up the cudgels on his side. To this length, -I cannot go. Why Harvey and Nash quarrelled no -one knows exactly; but the quarrel, the pamphlet -results of which make up the greater part of Harvey's -work, plays only a small part in that of Nash. The -very quarrel itself had, or seems to have had, something -to do with the strange Marprelate business to -be noticed presently, and Nash is at least with great -probability supposed author of some of the chief -numbers of that controversy on the anti-Martinist side. -But he wrote not a little other pamphlet-matter, never -quite attempting the euphuist romance in which his -friends Greene and Lodge delighted, but producing -discourses of apparitions in anticipation of Defoe, -pious tractates expressing, or professing to express, -his repentance for evil living, puffs (though this is -rather an unkind word), such as his _Lenten Stuff_, -eulogistic of the herrings which were the staple -commodity of his native coast, and a curious book -called _The Unfortunate Traveller_, dealing with the -grand tour, and containing among other things the -well-known romance (for romance it would seem to be) -of Surrey the poet and his Geraldine. Where Nash -stands eminent among the writers of the time is in -his faculty of boisterous and burlesque abuse, which, -in his famous lampoon upon Harvey, _Have with you -to Saffron Walden_ (Harvey's birthplace), displayed itself -in a manner not easy to parallel elsewhere in -English. - -It is very hard to give in very brief space an -account of the Martin Marprelate matter, yet without -some such account extracts from it must be hardly -intelligible. It began about the year 1588, chiefly -owing to the action of a certain Reverend Nicholas -Udall, a puritan divine who struck into the controversy -between the Episcopal and Presbyterian parties in the -Church, and embittered it by the use of language -so violent that he himself was imprisoned and his -printer's press seized. This printer, Waldegrave, enraged -thereat, lent his art to members of the puritan -sect even more violent than Udall (their exact -identity is matter of controversy), and a fire of -pamphlets was opened by them, the earliest being -called _The Epistle_ and _The Epitome_. In the first -place, Dean Bridges of Salisbury and Bishop Cooper -of Winchester, then other dignitaries, were assailed with -real vigour and ability, but with the most unscrupulous -partisanship, and in a dialect which for extravagance -of abusive language had not been surpassed in the -heat of the earlier Reformation controversies, and has -scarcely been approached since. The partisans of -the Church were fully equal to the occasion; and a -counter fire of pamphlets, some of which are attributed -with great probability to Nash, and others with -hardly less to the Oxford dramatist and euphuist Lyly, -was returned. The heat of the controversy lasted -chiefly through three years--1588, 1589, and 1590; -but it may be said in the widest sense to have endured -for nearly seven--from 1586 to 1593, when Penry and -Barrow, the supposed chiefs of the Martinists, were -executed. Of the style of this singular controversy the -extract will, I trust, give a sufficient idea. As to its -matter, it is difficult to be more precise than this: -that the object of the Martinist pamphleteers was to -decry episcopacy by every possible description of personal -abuse, applied to the holders and the defenders of -the episcopal office, and that the object of their opponents -of the same class (for men like Cooper and Bridges, -still more like Whitgift and Hooker, stand in an -entirely different category) was not so much to defend -that office as to fling back in double measure the -abuse upon 'Martin,' as the generic name went, -and upon his known or supposed embodiments and -partisans. - -There can be few greater contrasts than between -this furious ribaldry, as it too often is, and the mild -mediocrity of Nicholas Breton. His claim to a place -here (even if his merit be rated much lower than -some have rated it) is, that he is the chief writer -of the kind who is both in verse and prose a pamphleteer -pure and simple. You cannot (at least I -cannot) call Breton a poet, but he wrote immense -quantities of verse, and in prose he pamphleted with -such copiousness and persistence for nearly half a -century, that it is clear there must have been money -to be made by the practice. - -The last of our chief single authors is Thomas -Dekker, a very much greater man than Breton, though -not so great in prose as in verse. He was somewhat -later even in his beginning than the other writers I -have noticed; and though his prose has not the formal -merit or charm of his exquisite songs and his wonderful -romantic character in drama, it is very interesting -in matter. He paraphrases (_The Bachelor's Banquet_, -_The Gull's Hornbook_) with remarkable freedom and -skill; he chronicles plague years; he takes a hint from -Greene, and extends and varies that author's satirical -exposition of London tricks in a long and extremely -vivid series of pamphlets, such as _The Bellman of London_, -_The Seven Deadly Sins of London_, _Lanthorn and -Candle Light_, _News from Hell_, and half a dozen others. -In these, though of course a certain allowance must -be made for the pressman's exaggeration in dealing -with such subjects, there is a most singular and -interesting picture of the lower and looser classes in -England, at least in the English capital, at the time. - -In this little book, after one or two changes of plan, -I have finally decided on giving only entire pamphlets--a -specimen of literary criticism from Lodge, of autobiographic -romance from Greene, of politico-religious -controversy from the Martin Marprelate series, of -mingled self-panegyric and lampoon from Harvey, of -burlesque from Nash, of paraphrase of foreign matter -adapted to English conditions from Dekker, and of -what may be called hack-work for the press from -Breton. The annotation is deliberately limited to the -removal of some of the most obvious stumbling-blocks -to current reading. A full commentary on _The Gull's -Hornbook_ alone would fill another volume, and the -object in these books is to give text not comment. - - - - -I.--THOMAS LODGE - -(_Stephen Gosson's_ Schoole of Abuse _has acquired -something like fame in virtue of one of the answers to it--Sidney's_ -Defence of Poetry. _That interesting little -book has been frequently reprinted of late, and some -knowledge of it, and of Gosson's attack which caused it, -may be taken as common. Lodge's attempt, made as a -very young man, to do what Sidney did is far less -familiar even to students. It was reprinted in 1853, -and again in the rare and costly private issue by -the Hunterian Club of Lodge's whole works; but -the author of the introductory essay to that issue, my -friend Mr. Gosse, has been somewhat unkind (I cannot -say unjust) to it. It is, indeed, no great thing; -but as a very early example of literary criticism by -pamphlet, which has lacked the modern reprinting -accorded to Webbe, Puttenham, Daniel, and other critics -of the same time, I thought it might find appropriate -place here._) - -A REPLY TO STEPHEN GOSSON'S SCHOOLE OF ABUSE -IN DEFENCE OF POETRY, MUSICK, AND STAGE -PLAYS. - -_Protogenes_ can know _Apelles_ by his line though he -se[e] him not, and wise men can consider by the -Penn the aucthoritie of the writer, thoughe they know -him not. The Rubie is discerned by his pale rednes, -and who hath not h[e]ard that the Lyon is knowne by -hys clawes. Though _AEsopes_ craftie crowe be never so -deftlye decked, yet is his double dealing e[a]sely -desiphered: and though men never so perfectly pollish -there wrytings with others sentences, yet the simple -truth wil discover the shadow of ther follies: and -bestowing every fether in the bodye of the right M. -tourne out the naked dissembler into his owen cote, -as a spectacle of follye to all those which can rightlye -judge what imperfections be. - -There came to my hands lately a litle (woulde -God a wittye) pamphelet, baring a fayre face as though -it were the sc[h]oole of abuse, but being by me -advisedly wayed I fynd it the oftscome of imperfections, -the writer fuller of wordes than judgement; the -matter certainely as ridiculus as seri[o]us. Asuredly -his mother witte wrought this wonder, the child to -disprayse his father, the dogg to byte his mayster for -his dainty morcell. But I se[e] (with _Seneca_) yt the -wrong is to be suffered, since he disprayseth, who by -costome hath left to speake well; bot I meane to be -short: and teach the Maister what he knoweth not, -partly that he may se his owne follie, and partly that -I may discharge my promise, both binde me. Therefore -I would with the good scholmayster to over looke -his abuses againe with me, so shall he see an ocean -of inormities which begin in his first prinsiple in the -disprayse of poetry. - -And first let me familiarly consider with this find -faulte what the learned have alwayes esteemed of -poetrie. _Seneca_ thoughe a stoike would have a -poeticall sonne, and amongst the auncientest _Homer_ -was no les accompted than _Humanus deus_. What -made Alexander I pray you esteme of him so much? -Why allotted he for his works so curious a closset? -Was ther no fitter under prop for his pillow the[n] a -simple pamphelet? In all _Darius_ cofers was there no -Jewell so costly? Forso[o]th my thinks these two -(the one the father of Philosophers, the other the -cheftaine of chivalrie) were both deceived if all were -as a _Gosson_ would wish them, yf poets paynt naughte -but palterie toyes in vearse, their studies tended to -folishnesse, and in all their inde[a]vors they did -naught els but _agendo nihil agere_. Lord how Virgil's -poore gnatt pricketh him, and how Ovid's fley byteth -him, he can beare no bourde, he hath raysed up a -new sect of seri[o]us stoikes, that can abide naught -but their owen shadowe, and alow nothing worthye, -but what they conceave. Did you never reade (my -over wittie frend) that under the persons of beastes -many abuses were dissiphered? Have you not reason -to waye? that whatsoever e[i]ther Virgil did write of -his gnatt, or Ovid of his fley, was all covertly to declare -abuse? But you are (_homo literatus_) a man of the -letter, little savoring of learning, your giddy brain -made you leave your thrift, and your abuses in London -some part of your honestie. You say that Poets -are subtil, if so, you have learned that poynt of them, -you can well glose on a trifleling text: but you have -dronke perhaps of _Lethe_, your gram[m]er learning is -out of your head, you forget your Accidence, you -reme[m]ber not that under the person of _AEneas_ in -Virgil, the practice of a dilligent captaine is discribed, -under ye shadow of byrds, beastes, and trees, the -follies of the world were disiphered, you know not -that the creation is signified in the Image of _Prometheus_, -the fall of pryde in the person of _Narcissus_, -these are toyes because they savour of wisedom which -you want. Marke what _Campanus_ sayth, _Mira fabularum -vanitas sed quae si introspiciantur videri possunt -non vanae_. The vanitie of tales is wonderful, yet if -we advisedly looke into them they wil seme and -prove wise. How wonderful are the pithie poems of -_Cato_! the curious comidies of _Plautus_! how bravely -discovereth _Terence_ our imperfectio[n] in his _Eunuch_! -how neatly dissiphereth he _Dauus_! how pleasauntly -paynteth he out _Gnatho_! whom if we should seeke in -our dayes, I suppose he would not be farr from your -parson. But I see you woulde seeme to be that -which you are not, and as the proverb sayth _Nodum -in Cirpo quaerere_. Poets you say use coullors to -cover their incoviences, and wittie sentences to burnish -theyr bawdery, and you divinite to cover your knaverye. - -But tell mee truth _Gosson_, speakest thou as thou -thinkest? What coelers findest thou in a Poete not -to be admitted? Are his speaches unperfect? Savor -they of inscience? I think if thou hast any shame -thou canst not but like and approve the[m]. Are -ther gods displesant unto thee? doth _Saturne_ in his -majesty move thee? doth _Juno_ with her riches displease -thee? doth _Minerva_ with her weapon discomfort -thee? doth _Apollo_ with his harping harme thee? -Thou mayst say nothing les then harme thee because -they are not, and I thinke so to[o] because thou -knowest them not. For wot thou that in the person -of _Saturne_ our decaying yearss are signified, in the -picture of angry _Juno_ our affections are dissiphered, -in ye person of _Minerva_ is our understa[n]ding signified, -both in respect of warre, as policie. When they -faine that _Pallas_ was begotten of the braine of _Jupiter_ -their meaning is none other but that al wisdome (as -the learned say) is from above, and commeth from -the father of Lights: in the portrature of _Apollo_ all -knowledge is denocated. So that, what so they wrot -it was to this purpose, in the way of pleasure to draw -men to wisedome: for se[e]ing the world in those daies -was unperfect, yt was necessary that they like good -Phisi[ci]ons should so frame their potions, that they -might be appliable to the quesie stomaks of their -werish patients. But our studientes by your meanes -have made shipwrack of theyr labors, our schoole-maisters -have so offended that by your judgement -they shall _subire poenam capitis_ for teaching poetry, -the universitie is litle beholding to you, al their practices -in teaching are frivolus. Witt hath wrought that -in you, that yeares and studie never set[t]led in the -heads of our sagest doctors. - -No mervel though you disprayse poetrye, when you -know not what it meanes. _Erasmus_ will make that the -pathwaye to knowledge which you disprayse, and no -meane fathers vouchsafe in their seriouse questions -of divinitie, to inserte poeticall sensures. - -I think if we shal wel overloke ye Philosophers, -we shal find their judgeme[n]ts not halfe perfect. -Poetes you say fayle in their fables, Philosophers in -the verye secrets of Nature. Though _Plato_ could -wish the expulsion of Poetes from his well publiques, -which he might doe with reason, yet the wisest had not -all that same opinion, it had bene better for him to -have se[a]rcht more narowly what the soule was, for -his definition was verye frivolus, when he would make -it naught els but _Substantiam intelectu predictam_. If -you say that Poetes did labour about nothing, tell me (I -besech you) what wonders wroughte those your dunce -Doctors in ther reasons _de ente et non ente_, in theyr -definition of no force and les witt? How sweate -they power soules in makinge more things then -co[u]ld be! That I may use your owne phrase, did -not they spende one candle by seeking another? -_Democritus Epicurus_ with ther scholler _Metrodorus_ -how labored they in finding out more worlds the[n] -one? Your _Plato_ in midst of his presisnes wrought -that absurdite that never may be redd in Poets, to -make a yearthly creature to beare the person of the -creator, and a corruptible substaunce an incomprehensible -God: for determining of the principall -causes of all thinges, a made them naughte els but -an _Idea_ which if it be conferred wyth the truth, his -sentence will savour of Inscience. But I speake for -Poetes, I answeare your abuse, therefore I will disprove -or disprayse naught, but wish you with the wise _Plato_, -to disprayse that thing you offend not in. - -_Seneca_ sayth that the studdie of Poets is to make -childre[n] ready to the understanding of wisedom, and -yt our auncients did teache _artes Eleutherias. i. liberales_, -because the instructed childre[n] by the instrume[n]t of -knowledg in time became _homines liberi. i. Philosophye_. -It may be that in reding of poetry, it happened to -you as it is with the Oyster, for she in her swimming -receiveth no ayre, and you in your reeding lesse -instruction. It is reported that the shepe of Euboia -want ther gale, and one the contrarye side that the -beastes of _Naxus_ have _distentum fel_. Men hope that -scollers should have witt brought upp in the Universite, -but your sweet selfe with the cattell of Euboia, since -you left your College have lost your learning. You -disprayse _Maximinus Tirius_ pollicey, and that thinge -that he wrott to manifest learned Poets meaning, you -atribute to follye. O holy hedded man, why may -not _Juno_ resemble the ayre? why not _Alexander_ -valour? why not _Ulisses_ pollice? Will you have all -for you[r] owne tothe? Must men write that you -maye know theyr meaning as though your wytt were -to wrest all things? Alas simple _Irus_, begg at knowledge -gate awhile, thou haste not wonne the mastery -of learning. Weane thyself to wisedome, and use thy -tallant in zeale not for envie, abuse not thy knowledge -in dispraysing that which is pereles: I shold blush -from a player, to become an enviouse preacher, if -thou hadst zeale to preach, if for _Sions_ sake thou -co[u]ldst not holde thy tongue, thy true dealing were -prayse worthy, thy revolting woulde counsell me to -reverence thee. Pittie weare it that poetrye should be -displaced, full little could we want _Buchanan's_ workes, -and _Boetius_ comfortes may not be banished. What -made _Erasmus_ labor in _Euripides_ tragedies? Did -he inde[a]vour by painting them out of Greeke into -Latine to manifest sinne unto us, or to confirm us in -goodnes? Labor (I pray thee) in Pamphelets more -prayse worthy; thou haste not saved a Senator, therefore -not worthye a Lawrell wre[a]th, thou hast not -(in disproving poetry) reproved an abuse, and therfore -not worthy commendation. - -_Seneca_ sayth that _Magna vitae pars elabitur -male agentibus, maxima nihill agentibus, tota aliud -agentibus_, the most of our life (sayd he) is spent -e[i]ther in doing evill, or nothing, or that wee should -not, and I would wish you weare exempted from this -sensure. Geve eare but a little more what may be -said for poetrie, for I must be briefe. You have -made so greate matter that I may not stay on one -thing to[o] long, lest I leave another untouched. - -And first whereas you say, yt _Tullie_ in his yeres -of more judgement despised Poetes, harke (I pray -you) what he worketh for them in his oratio[n] _pro -Archia poeta_. But before you heare him, least you -fayle in the incounter, I would wysh you to follow -the advise of the dasterdlye Ichneumon of _AEgipt_, -who when shee beholdeth the Aspis her enemye to -drawe nighe, calleth her fellowes together, bisme[a]ring -herselfe with claye, against the byting and stroke -of the serpent, arme yourselfe, cal your witts together: -want not your wepons, lest your inperfect -judgement be rewardede with Midas eares. You had -neede play the night burd now, for yon day Owl hath -misconned his parte, and for to-who now a dayes he -cryes foole you: which hath brought such a sort of -wondering birds about your eares, as I feare me will -chatter you out of your Ivey bush. The worlde shames -to see you, or els you are afrayde to shew yourselfe. - -You thought poetrye should want a patron (I -think) when you fyrste published this invective, but -yet you fynd al to[o] many eve[n] _preter expectation[=e]_, -yea though it can speake for it self, yet her patron -_Tullie_ now shall tell her tale, _Haec studia_, (sayth he) -_adolescentiam alunt, senectutem oblectant, secundas res -ornant, adversis perfugium ac Solatium prebent, delectant -domi, non impediunt foris, pernoctant nobiscum, peregri[n]antur -rusticantur_. Then will you disprayse yt -which all men commend? You looke only upon ye -refuse of ye abuse, nether respecting the importance -of ye matter nor the weighe of ye wryter. - -_Solon_ can fayne himself madde, to further the -Athenians. _Chaucer_ in pleasant vain can rebuke sin -uncontrold, and though he be lavish in the letter, -his sence is serious. Who in Rome lame[n]ted not -Roscius death? And ca[n]st thou suck no plesure -out of thy _M. Claudians_ writings? Hark what -_Cellarius_ a learned father attributed to it, _acuit memoriam_ -(saith he) it profiteth the memory. Yea, and -_Tully_ attributeth it for prais to _Archias_ yt upon any -theame he co[u]ld versify exte[m]pory. Who liketh -not of the promptness of _Ovid_? Who not unworthely -co[u]ld boast of himself thus _Quicquid conabar dicere -versus erat_. Who then doothe not wonder at poetry? -Who thinketh not yt it procedeth fro[m] above? -What made ye Chians and Colophonians fal to such -controversy? Why seke ye Smirnians to recover -fro[m] ye Salaminians the prais of _Homer_? Al wold -have him to be of ther city, I hope not for harme, -but because of his knoledge. _Themistocles_ desireth -to be acquainted with those w^c could best discipher -his praises. Even _Marius_ himselfe, tho never so -cruel, acco[m]pted of _Plotinus_ poems. What made -_Aphricanus_ esteme _Ennius_? Why did Alexander -give prais to _Achilles_ but for ye prayses which he -found writte[n] of hym by _Homer_? Why estemed -_Pompie_ so muche of _Theophanes Mitiletus_, or _Brutus_ -so greatlye the wrytinges of _Accius_? _Fuluius_ was so -great a favorer of poetry, that after the Aetolian -warres, he attributed to the Muses those spoiles that -belonged to Mars. In all the Romaine conquest, -h[e]ardest thou ever of a slayne Poete? nay rather -the Emperours honored them, beautified them with -benefites, and decked their sanctuaries which [with] -sacrifice. _Pindarus_ colledg is not fit for spoil of -_Alexander_ overcome, nether feareth poetry ye persecutors -sword. What made _Austin_ so much affectate -ye heavenly fury? not folly, for if I must needes -speake, _illud non ausim affirmare_, his zeale was in -setting up the house of God, not in affectate -eloquence, he wrot not, he accompted not. He -honnored not, so much that (famous poetry) whyche -we prayse, without cause, for if it be true that -_Horace_ reporteth in his booke _de arte poetica_, all the -answeares of the Oracles weare in verse. Among the -precise Jewes you shall find Poetes, and for more -majestie _Sibilla_ will prophesie in verse. _Hiroaldus_ -can witnes with me, that _David_ was a poet, and -that his vayne was in imitating (as S. Jerom witnesseth) -_Horace_, _Flaccus_, and _Pindarus_, somtimes -his verse runneth in an _Iambus_ foote, anone he hath -recourse to a _Saphier_ vaine, and _aliquando, semipede -ingreditur_. Ask _Josephus_, and he will tel you that -Esay, Job and Salomon voutsafed poetical practises, -for (if _Origen_ and he fault not) theyre verse was -_Hexameter and pentameter_. Enquire of _Cassiodorus_, -he will say that all the beginning of Poetrye proceeded -from the Scripture. _Paulinus_ tho the byshop -of _Nolanum_ yet voutsafe the name of a Poet, and -_Ambrose_ tho he be a patriarke in _mediolan[=u]_ loveth -versising. _Beda_ shameth not ye science that shamelesse -_Gosson_ misliketh. Reade over _Lactantius_, his -proofe is by poetry, and _Paul_ voutsafeth to overlooke -_Epimenides_; let the Apostle preach at Athens he -disdaineth not of Aratus authorite. It is a pretye -sentence yet not so prety as pithy, _Poeta nascitur -orator fit_, as who should say, Poetrye commeth from -above from a heavenly seate of a glorious God unto -an excellent creature man, an orator is but made by -exercise. For if wee examine well what befell _Ennius_ -amonge the Romans, and Hesiodus among his -co[u]ntrimen the Gretians, howe they came by theyr -knowledge whence they receved their heavenly furye, -the first will tell us that sleping upon the Mount of -Parnassus he dreamed that he received the soule of -_Homer_ into him, after the which he became a Poete, -the next will assure you that it commeth not by -labor, nether that night watchings bringeth it, but -yt we must have it thence whence he fetched it -w^c was (he saith) fro[m] a wel of ye Muses w^c -_Cabelimus_ calleth _Por[=u]_, a draught whereof drewe -him to his perfection, so of a shephard he becam an -eloque[n]t poet. - -Wel the[n] you see yt it commeth not by exercise -of play making, nether insertio[n] of gawds, but from -nature and from above: and I hope yt _Aristotle_ hath -sufficiently taught you that _Natura nihil fecit frustra_. - -_Perseus_ was made a poete _divino furore percitus_. -And whereas the poets were sayde to call for the -Muses helpe ther mening was no other as _Iodocus -Badius_ reporteth, but to call for heavenly inspiration -from above to direct theyr ende[a]vors. Nether were -it good for you to sette light by the name of a poet -since ye oftspring from whence he cometh is so -heavenly. _Sibilla_ in hir answers to _AEneas_ against -hir will as the poet telleth us was possessed with -thys fury, ye wey consideratly but of the writing of -poets, and you shal se[e] than whe[n] ther matter is -most heavenly, their stile is most loftye, a strange -token of the wonderfull efficacy of the same. - -I would make a long discourse unto you of _Platos_ -4. furies but I le[a]ve them. It pitieth me to bring -a rodd of your owne making to beate you wythal. -But mithinks while you heare thys I see you swallowe -down your owne spittle for revenge, where (God wot) -my wryting savoreth not of envye. In this case I -coulde wyshe you fare farre otherwyse from your foe. -If you please I wyll become your frende and see -what a potion or receypt I can frame fytt for your -diet. And herein I will prove myselfe a practiser, -before I purdge you, you shall take a preparative to -disburden your heavy hedde of those grose follis you -have conceved: but the receipt is bitter, therefore I -would wysh you first to casten your mouth with the -Suger of persevera[n]ce: for ther is a cold collop yt -must downe your throate yet suche a one as shall -change your complection quit[e]. I wyll have you -therfore to tast first of yt cold river _Phricus_ in -Thratia, which as _Aristotle_ reporteth changeth blacke -into white; or of Scamandar, which maketh gray -yalow, yt is of an envious ma[n] a wel minded -person, reprehending of zeale yt wherin he hath -sinned by folly, and so being prepard, thy purgation -wyll worke more easy, thy understandinge wyll be -more perfit, thou shalt blush at thy abuse, and -reclaime thy selfe by force of argument. So will -thou prove of clene recovered patient, and I a perfecte -practiser in framing so good a potion. This -broughte to passe, I with the[e] wil seeke out some -abuse in poetry, which I will seeke for to disprove -by reason first pronounced by no smal birde even -_Aristotle_ himself. _Poetae_ (sayth he) _multa mentiuntur_ -and to further his opinion seuer _Cato_ putteth in his -cencure. - -_Admiranda canunt sed non credenda poetae._ These -were sore blemishes if objected rightly and heare you -may say the streme runnes a wronge, but if it be so -by you[r] leve I wyll bring him shortly in his right -chanel. My answere shall not be my owne, but a -learned father shall tell my tale, if you wil know his -right name men call him _Lactantius_: who in hys -book _de divinis institutionibus_ reesoneth thus. I -suppose (sayth he) Poets are full of credit, and yet -it is requesite for those that wil understand them to -be admonished, that among them not onely the name -but the matter beareth a show of that it is not: for -if sayth he we examine the Scriptures litterallye -nothing will seeme more falls, and if we way Poetes -wordes and not ther meaning, our learning in them -wilbe very mene. You see nowe your _Catoes_ judgement -as of no force and that all your objections you -make agaynst poetrye be of no valor, yet lest you -should be altogether discouraged I wyll helpe you -forwarde a little more, it pities me to consider the -weaknes of your cause, I wyll therfore make your -strongest reason more strong and after I have builded -it up destroy it agayn. Poets you confesse are -eloquent but you reprove them in their wantonnesse, -they write of no wisedom, you may say their tales are -frivolus, they prophane holy thinges, they seeke -nothing to the perfection of our soules. Theyr practise -is in other things of lesse force: to this objection -I answer no otherwise then _Horace_ doeth in his booke -_de arte poetica_ where he wryteth thus: - - _Silvestres homines sacer interpresque deorum - Sedibus, et victu foedo deterruit orpheus. - Dictus ob hoc lenire Tigres rabidosque leones. - Dictus et Amphion Thebanae condit[or] urbis - Saxa movere sono, testudinis et prece blanda - Ducere quo vellet. Fuit hoc sapientia quondam, - Publica privatis secernere sacra prophanis, - Concubitu prohibere vago, dare Iura maritis, - Oppida moliri, leges incidere ligno._ - - The holy spokesman of the Gods - With heave[n]ly Orpheus hight: - Did drive the savage men from wods, - And made them live aright. - And therefore is sayd the Tygers fierce, - And Lyons full of myght - To overcome: _Amphion_, he - Was sayd of Theabs the founder, - Who by his force of Lute dyd cause - The stones to part a sonder, - And by his speach did them derect - Where he would have them staye: - This wisedome this was it of olde - All strife for to allaye. - To give to every man his owne, - To make the Gods be knowne, - To drive each lecher from the bed - That never was his owne. - To teach the law of mariage, - The way to build a towne, - For to engrave these lawes in woods - This was these mens renowne. - -I cannot leave _Tirtheus_ pollicy untouched, who -by force of his pen could incite men to the defence -of theyr countrye. If you require of ye Oracle of -_Apollo_ what successe you shal have: _respondet bellicoso -numine_. Lo now you see your objections my answers, -you behold or may perceive manifestlye that Poetes -was the first raysors of cities, prescribers of good -lawes, mayntayners of religion, disturbors of the wicked, -advancers of the wel disposed, inve[n]tors of laws, -and lastly the very fo[o]tpaths to knowledg and -understa[n]ding. Ye if we sho[u]ld beleve Herome -he will make _Platos_ exiles honest me[n] and his -pestiferous poets good preachers: for he accounteth -_Orpheus Museus and Linus, Christians_, therefore -_Virgil_ (in his 6 boke of _AEneiados_ wher he lernedly -describeth ye journey of _AEneas_ to _Elisum_) asserteneth -us, yt among them yt were ther for the zeale they -beare toward there country, ther wer found _Quinque -pii vates et Phoebo digna loquti_ but I must answer al -objectio[n]s, I must fil every nooke. I must arme -myself now, for here is the greatest bob I can gather -out of your booke forsoth _Ovids_ abuses, in descrybing -whereof you labour very vehementlye termi[n]g him -letcher, and in his person dispraise all poems, but -shall on[e] mans follye destroye a universal comodity? -What gift what perfit knowledg hath ther bin, -emong ye professors of w^c ther hath not bin a bad -on [?] the Angels have sinned in heave[n], _Ada[m] and -Eve_ in earthly paradise, emo[n]g ye holy apostles -ungratious Judas. I reson not yt al poets are holy -but I affirme yt poetry is a heave[n]ly gift, a perfit -gift then which I know not greater plesure. And -surely if I may speak my mind I thi[n]k we shall find -but few poets if it were exactly wayd what they oughte -to be: your _Muscovian_ straungers, your _Scithian_ -monsters wonderful, by one _Eurus_ brought upon one -stage in ships made of Sheepeskins, wyll not prove you -a poet nether your life alow you to bee of that -learning: if you had wisely wayed ye abuse of poetry, -if you had reprehended ye foolish fantasies of our -poets _nomine non re_ which they bring forth on stage, -my self would have liked of you and allowed your -labor. But I perceive nowe yt all red colloured -stones are not Rubies, nether is every one _Alexandar_ -yt hath a stare in his cheeke, al lame men are not -_Vulcans_, nor hooke nosed men _Ciceroes_, nether each -professer a poet, I abhore those poets that savor of -ribaldry, I will with the zealous admit the expullcion -of suche enormities. Poetry is dispraised not for the -folly that is in it, but for the abuse whiche manye ill -Wryters couller by it. Beleeve me the magestrats -may take advise (as I knowe wisely can) to roote out -those odd rymes which runnes in every rascales -mouth. Savoring of rybaldry, those foolishe ballets -that are admitted make poets good and godly practises -to be refused. I like not of a wicked _Nero_ that wyll -expell _Lucan_, yet admit I of a zealous governour that -wil seke to take away the abuse of poetry. I like not -of an angrye _Augustus_ which wyll banishe _Ovid_ for -envy. I love a wise Senator, which in wisedome wyll -correct him and with advise burne his follyes: unhappy -were we yf like poore _Scaurus_ we shoulde find -_Tiberius_ that wyll put us to death for a tragedy -making, but most blessed were we if we might find a -judge that severely would amende the abuses of -Tragedies. But I leave the reformation thereof to -more wyser than my selfe, and retourne to Gosson -whom I wyshe to be fully perswaded in this cause, and -therefore I will tell hym a prety story, which _Justin_ -wryteth in the prayse of poetrye. - -The _Lacedemonians_ when they had loste many -men in divers incountryes with theyr enemyes soughte -to the Oracles of Apollo requiring how they myght -recover theyr losses, it was answered that they mighte -overcome if so be they could get an _Athenian_ governor, -whereupon they sent Orators unto the _Athenians_ -humbly requesting them that they woulde appoynt -them out one of theyr best captaynes: the _Athenians_ -owinge them old malice, sent them in steede of a -_soldado vechio_ a scholar of the Muses: in steede of -a worthy warrior a poore poet; for a couragious -_Themistocles_ a silly _Tirthetus_, a man of great eloquence -and singuler wytte, yet was he but a lame lymde -captaine more fit for the co[u]che than the field. -The _Lacedemonians_ trusting the Oracle, received the -champion, and fearing the government of a stranger, -made him ther Citizen. Which once done and he -obteining the Dukdome, he assended the theater, -and ther very learnedly, wyshing them to forget theyr -folly, and to thinke on victory, they being acuate by -his eloque[n]ce waging battail won the fielde. Lo -now you see that the framing of common welthes, -and defence thereof proceedeth from poets, how dare -you therfore open your mouth against them? How -can you disprayse the preserver of a countrye? You -compare _Homer_ to _Methecus_, cookes to Poetes, you -shame your selfe in your unreverent similitud[e]s, -you may see your follyes _verbum sapienti sat_: whereas -_Homar_ was an ancient poet you disalow him, and -accompte of those of lesser judgement. _Strabo_ calleth -poetry _primam sapientiam_. Cicero in his firste of -his Tusculans attributeth ye invencion of philosophy -to poets. God keepe us from a Plato that should -expel such men. Pittie were it that the memory of -these valiant victours should be hidden, which have -dyed in the behalfe of ther countryes: miserable were -our state yf we wanted those worthy volumes of -poetry. Could the learned beare the losse of Homer? -or our younglings the wrytings of the _Mantuan_? or -you your volumes of historyes? beleve me yf you -had wanted your Mysteries of nature, and your stately -storyes, your booke would have scarce bene ledde -wyth matter. If therefore you will deale in things of -wisdome, correct the abuse, honor the science, renewe -your schoole, crye out over Hierusalem wyth the -prophet the woe that he pronounced, wish the teacher -to reforme hys lyfe, that his weake scholler may prove -the wyser, cry out against unsaciable desyre in rich -men, tel the house of Jacob theyr iniquities, lament -with the Apostle the want of laborers in the Lords -vineyards, cry out on those dume doggs that will not -barke, wyll the mightye that they overmayster not the -poore, and put downe the beggers prowde heart by -thy perswasions. Thunder oute with the Prophete -_Micha_ the mesage of the LORD, and with hym desyre -the Judges to heare thee, the Prynces of Jacob to -hearken to thee, and those of the house of Israell to -understande. Then tell them that they abhorre -judgement, and prevent equitie, that they judge for -rewardes, and that theyr priests teach for hyre, and -the prophets thereof prophesie for money, and yet -that they saye the Lorde is wyth them, and that no -evil can befall them, breath[e] out the sweete promises -to the good, the cursses to the badde, tell them that -a peeace muste needes have a warre, and that God -can raise up another Zenacherib, shew the[m] that -Salomons kingdome was but for a season and that -adversitie cometh ere we espye it. These be the -songes of Sion, these be those rebukes which you -oughte to add to abuses; recover the body for it is -sore, the appedices thereof will easily be reformed, if -that wear at a staye. - -But other matters call me and I must not staye -upon this onely, there is an easier task in hand for -me, and that which, if I may speak my conscience, -fitteth my vain best, your second abuse Gosson, your -second abuse; your disprayses of Musik, which you -unadvisedly terme pyping: that is it will most byte you, -what so is a overstay of life, is displesant to your -person, musik may not stand in your presence, whereas -all the learned Philosophers have alwayes had it in -reverence. _Homar_ commendeth it highly, referring -to the prayses of the Gods whiche Gosson accompteth -folishnesse; looke uppon the harmonie of the -Heavens; hang they not by Musik? Doe not the -_Spheares_ move? The _primus_ motor governe[s], be not -they _inferiora corpora_ affected _quadam sumpathia_ and -agreement? Howe can we measure the debilitie of -the patient but by the disordered motion of the pulse? -Is not man worse accompted of when he is most out -of tune? Is there any thinge that more affecteth -the sense? Doth there any pleasure more acuat -our understanding? Can the wonders yt hath -wroughte and which you your selfe confesse no more -move you? It fitteth well nowe that the learned -have sayd, _musica requirit generosum animu[m]_ which -since it is far from you, no marvel though you favor -not that profession. It is reported of the _Camelion_ -that shee can chaunge her selfe unto all coollors save -whyte, and you can accompte of all thinges save such -as have honesty. _Plutarch_ your good Mayster may -bare me witness that the ende whereto Musick was, -will proove it prayes worthy. O Lord howe maketh -it a man to remember heavenly things to wo[n]der at -the works of the creator. _Eloquence_ can stay the -souldiars sworde from slayinge an Orator, and shall -not musike be magnified which not onely saveth the -bodye but is a comfort to the soule? David rejoyseth -singeth and prayeth the Lorde by the Harpe, and the -Simbale is not removed from his sanctuary, the -Aungels syng _gloria in excelsis_. Surely the imagination -in this present instant calleth me to a deepe -consideration of my God. Looke for wonders where -musike worketh, and wher harmonie is ther followeth -increcible delectation. The bowels of the earth -y[i]eld where the instrument soundeth and _Pluto_ -cannot keepe _Proserpina_ if _Orpheus_ recorde. The -Seas shall not swallowe _Arion_ whilst he singeth, -nether shall hee perish while he harpeth, a doleful -tuner yf a diing musition can move a Monster of ye -sea to mourne. A Dolphin respectet a heavenly recorde. - -Call your selfe home therefore and reclayme thys -follye, it is to[o] foule to bee admitted, you may not -mayntaine it. I hadd well hoped you woulde in all -these thynges have wiselye admytted the thyng, and -disalowe naughte but the abus, but I see your mynde -in youre wrytinge was to penn somewhat you knowe -not what, and to confyrme it I wot not howe, so that -yourselfe hath hatched us an Egge yet so that it hath -blest us wyth a monsterus chickin, both wythoute -hedde, and also tayle, lyke the Father, full of imperfection -and lesse zeale. Well marke yet a lyttle -more, beare with me though I be bytter, my love is -never the lesse for that I have learned of _Tullye_, that -_Nulla remedia tam faciunt dolorem quam quae sunt -salutaria_, the sharper medycine the better it cures, the -more you see your follye, the sooner may you amend -it. Are not the straines in Musike to tickle and -delyght the eare? are not our warlike instruments to -move men to valor? you confesse they moove us, -but yet they delight not our eares? I pray you whence -grew that poynt of Phylosophy? It is more then -ever my Mayster taught mee, that a thynge of sounde -shoulde not delyghte the eare. Belyke yee suppose -that men are monsters, withoute eares, or else I thynke -you wyll saye they heare with theire heeles, it may bee -so; for indeede when wee are delighted with Musike, -it maketh our heart to scypp for joye, and it maye -bee perhaps by assending from the heele to the hygher -partes, it may move us, good policie in sooth, this -was of your owne coyning, your mother never taught -it you, but I wyll not deale by reason of philosophye -wyth you for that confound your senses, but I can -asure you this one thinge, that this principle will -make the wiser to mislike your invention, it had bene -a fitter jest for your howlet in your playe, then an -orname[n]t in your booke. But since you wrote of -abuses, we may licence you to lye a little, so ye abuse -will be more manifest. Lord with how goodly a cote -have you clothed your conceiptes, you abound in -storyes but impertinent, they bewray your reeding -but not your wisedom, would God they had bin well -aplyed. But now I must play the musitian right -nolesse buggs now come in place but pavions and -mesures, dumps and fancies, and here growes a great -question what musick _Homer_ used in curing ye -diseased gretians, it was no dump you say, and so -think I, for yt is not apliable to sick men, for it -favoreth Malancholie. I am sure it was no mesure, -for in those days they were not such good da[n]sers, -for so[o]th the[n] what was it? If you require me, if -you name me the instrume[n]t, I wyl tel you what was -ye musik. Meanwhile a gods name let us both dout -yt is no part of our salvation to know what it was nor -how it went. When I speak with _Homer_ next you -shall knowe his answere. - -But you can not be content to erre but you must -maintain it to[o]. _Pithagoras_ you say alowes not -that musik is decerned by eares, but hee wisheth us -to assend unto the sky and marke that harmony. -Surely this is but one doctors opinion (yet I dislike not -of it) but to speake my conscience my thinkes musike -best pleaseth me when I heare it, for otherwise the -catter walling of Cats, were it not for harmonie, should -more delight mine eies then the tunable voyces of -men. But these things are not the chiefest poynts -you shote at, thers somewhat els sticketh in your -stomak God graunt it hurt you not, from the daunce -you runn to the pype from 7. to 3. which if I shoulde -add I beleeve I could wrest out halfe a score -inco[n]veniences more out of your booke. Our -pleasant consortes do discomfort you much, and -because you lyke not thereof they arr discomendable, -I have heard it is good to take sure fotinge when we -travel unknowen countryes, for when we wade above -our shoe latchet _Appelles_ wyll reprehende us for -coblers, if you had bene a father in musick and coulde -have decerned of tunes I would perhaps have likt -your opinion sumwhat where now I abhor it, if you -wear a professor of that practise I would quickly -perswade you, that the adding of strings to our -instrument make the sound more hermonious, and -that the mixture of Musike maketh a better concent. -But to preach to unskillfull is to perswad ye brut -beastes, I wyl not stand long in thys point although -the dignitye thereof require a volume, but howe -learned men have esteemed this heavenly gift, if you -please to read you shall see. _Socrates_ in hys old age -will not disdain to learn ye science of Music amo[n]g -children, he can abide their correctio[n]s to[o], so -much accou[n]ted he that wt you contemn, so -profitable thought he yt, wt you mislik. _Solon_ wil -esteme so much of ye knowledg of singing, yt he wil -soner forget to dye the[n] to sing. _Pithagoras_ liks it -so wel yt he wil place it in _Greace_, and _Aristoxenus_ -will saye yt the soule is musik. _Plato_ (in his booke -_de legibus_) will affirme that it can not be handled -without all sciences, the _Lacedemonians and Cretensis_ -wer sturred to warre by Anapaestus foote, and -_Timotheus_ with the same incensed kinge _Alexander_ -to batel, ye yf _Boetyus_ fitten not, on _Tauromitanus_ -(by this _Phrigian_ sound) hastened to burn a house -wher a stru[m]pet was hidden. - -So little abideth this heave[n]ly harmony our -humane filthines yt it worketh wonders as you may -perceve most manifestly by the history of _Agamemnon_ -who going to ye Trojan war, left at home a musitian -yt playde the _Dorian_ tune, who wt the foote -_Spondeus_ preserved his wife _Clitemnestra_ in chastity -and honesty, wherfore she co[u]ld not be deflowred by -_AEgistus_, before he had wickedly slain the musitian. -So yt as the magnetes draweth Iorne, and the -Theamides (w^c groweth in _AEgipt_) driveth it away: -so musik calleth to it selfe al honest plesures, and dispelleth -fro[m] it all vaine misdemanors. Yt matter is -so ple[n]tiful that I cannot find wher to end, as for -beginnings they be infinite, but these shall suffice. -I like not to[o] long circu[m]stances wher les doe serve: -only I wish you to accompt wel of this heave[n]ly -concent, w^c is ful of perfettio[n], preceding fro[m] -above, drawing his original fro[m] the motion of ye -stars, fro[m] the agrement of the planets, fro[m] the -whisteling winds, and fro[m] al those celestial circles -where is e[i]ther perfit agreeme[n]t or any _Sumphonia_. -But as I like musik so admit I not of thos that -deprave the same: your pipers are as odius to mee -as yourselfe; nether alowe I your harpinge merye -beggers: although I knewe you my selfe a professed -play maker, and a paltry actor. Since which ye -windmil of your wit hath bin tornd so long wyth the -wynde of folly, that I fear me we shall see the dogg -returne to his vomit, and the clensed sow to her myre, -and the reformed scholemayster to hys old teaching -of follye. Beware it be not so, let not your booke be -a blemish to your own profession. Correct not musik -therfore whe[n] it is praiesworthy, least your worthlesse -misliking bewray your madnes. Way the abuse -and that is matter sufficient to serve a magistrates -animadversion. Heere may you advise well, and if -you have any stale rethorik florish upon thys text, the -abuse is, when that is applyed to wantonnesse, which -was created to shewe Gods worthinesse. When ye -shamefull resorts of shameles curtezanes in sinful -sonnets shall prophane vertue, these are no light -sinnes, these make many good men lament, this causeth -parents hate there right borne children, if this were -reformed by your policie I should esteme of you as -you wysh. I feare me it fareth far otherwyse, _latet -anguis in herba_, under your fare show of conscience -take heede you cloake not your abuse, it were pittie -the learned should be overseene in your simplenesse, -I feare me you will be politick wyth _Machavel_ not -zealous as a prophet. Well I will not stay long upon -the abuse, for that I see it is to[o] manifest, the -remembraunce thereof is discommendable among the -godly, and I my self am very loth to bring it in -memory. To the wise advised reader these mai -suffice, to flee the _Crocodel_ before he commeth, lest -we be bitten, and to avoyde the abuse of musik, since -we se[e] it, lest our misery be more when we fall into -folly. _Ictus piscator sapit_, you heare open confession, -these abuses are disclaimed by our Gosson, he is sory -that hee hath so leudlye lived, and spent the oyle of -his perfection in unsavery Lampes. He hath _Argus_ -eyes to watch him now, I wold wish him beware of -his Islington, and such lyke resorts, if now he retourne -from his repented lyfe to his old folly, Lord how -foule will be his fall. Men know more then they -speak if they be wise, I feare me some will blush that -readeth this, if he be bitten, wold God Gosson at -that instant might have a watchman. But I see it -were needelesse, perhaps he hath _Os durum_, and then -what avayleth their presence. - -Well, I leave this poynt til I know further of your -mynde, mean while I must talke a little wyth you -about ye thyrd abuse, for the cater cosens of pypers, -theyr names (as you terme them) be players, and -I think as you doe, for your experience is sufficient -to enforme me. But here I must loke about me, -_quacunque tetigeris ulcus est_, here is a task that -requireth a long treatis, and what my opinion is of -players ye now shall plainly perceve. I must now -serch my wits, I see this shall passe throughe many -severe sensors handling, I must advise me what I -write, and write that I would wysh. I way wel the -seriousnes of the cause, and regarde very much the -Judges of my endevor, whom if I could I would -perswade that I woulde not nourish abuse, nether -mayntaine that which should be an universall discomoditye. -I hope they wil not judge before they -read, nether condemne without occasion. The wisest -wil alwais carry to eares, in yt they are to diserne -two indifferent causes. I meane not to hold you in -suspe[n]c[e] (severe Judges) if you gredely expect my -verdit brefely this it is. - -_Demostines_ thoughte not that _Phillip_ shoulde overcome -when he reproved hym, nether feared _Cicero -Anthonies_ force when in the Senatt hee rebuked hym. -To the ignorant e[a]ch thinge that is unknowne semes -unprofitable, but a wise man can foresee and prayse -by proofe. _Pythagoras_ could spy oute in womens -eyes two kind of teares, the one of grefe the other -of disceit: and those of judgement can from the -same flower suck honey with the bee, from whence -the Spyder (I mean the ignorant) take their poison. -Men yt have knowledge what comedies and tragedis -be, wil comend the[m], but it is sufferable in the -folish to reprove that they know not, becaus ther -mouthes wil hardly be stopped. Firste therfore, if -it be not tedious to Gosson to harken to the lerned, -the reder shall perceive the antiquity of playmaking, -the inventors of comedies, and therewithall the use -and comoditaye of the[m]. So that in ye end I hope -my labor shall be liked, and the learned wil soner -conceve his folly. - -For tragedies and comedies _Donate_ the gramarian -sayth, they wer invented by lerned fathers of the old -time to no other purpose, but to yeelde prayse unto -God for a happy harvest, or plentifull yeere, and that -thys is trewe the name of Tragedye doeth importe, -for if you consider whence it came, you shall perceive -(as _Iodocus Badius_ reporteth) that it drewe his original -of _Tragos, Hircus_, and _Ode, Cantus_ (so called), for -that the actors thereof had in rewarde for theyr -labour, a Gotes skynne fylled wyth wyne. You see -then that the fyrste matter of tragedies was to give -thankes and prayses to GOD, and a gratefull prayer of -the countrymen for a happye harvest, and this I hope -was not discommendable. I knowe you will judge -[th]is farthest from abuse. But to wade farther, thys -fourme of invention being found out, as the dayes -wherein it was used did decay, and the world grew -to more perfection, so yt witt of the younger sorte -became more riper, for they leaving this fourme, -invented an other, in the which they altered the nature -but not ye name: for sounets in prayse of ye gods, -they did set forth the sower fortune of many exiles, -the miserable fal of haples princes, the reuinous decay -of many cou[n]tryes, yet not content with this, they -presented the lives of _Satyers_, so that they might -wiselye, under the abuse of that name, discover the -follies of many theyr folish fellow-citesens: and -those monsters were then, as our parasites are now -adayes: suche as with pleasure reprehended abuse. -As for commedies because they bear a more plesanter -vain, I wil leave the other to speake of them. _Tully_ -defines them thus. _Comedia_ (sayth he) is _Imitatio -vitae, speculum consuetudinis, et imago veritatis_, and it -is sayde to be termed of _Comai_ (emongste the Greekes) -whiche signifieth _Pagos_, and _Ode, Cantus_: for that -they were exercised in the fielde. They had they -beginning wyth tragedies, but their matter was more -plessaunt, for they were suche as did reprehend, yet -_quodam lepore_. These first very rudely were invented -by _Susarion Bullus_, and _Magnes_ t[w]o auncient poets, -yet so that they were mervelous profitable to the -reclamynge of abuse: whereupon _Eupolis_ with _Cratinus_, -and _Aristophanes_ began to write, and with ther -eloquenter vaine and perfection of stil[e], dyd more -severely speak agaynst the abuses the[n] they: which -_Horace_ himselfe witnesseth. For sayth he ther was no -abuse but these men reprehended it. A thefe was -loth to be seene on there spectacle. A coward was -never present at theyr assemblies. A backbiter -abhord that company, and I my self could not have -blamed your (Gosson) for exempting yourselfe from -this theater, of troth I should have lykt your pollicy. -These therefore, these wer they that kept men in awe, -these restrayned the unbridled cominaltie, whereupon -_Horace_ wisely sayeth, - - _Oderunt peccare boni, virtutis amore, - Oderunt peccare mali, formidine penae._ - - The good did hate al sinne for vertues love, - The bad for feare of shame did sin remove. - -Yea would God our realme could light uppon a -_Lucillius_, then should the wicked bee poynted out -from the good, a harlot woulde seeke no harbor at -stage plais, lest she shold here her owne name growe -in question: and the discourse of her honesty cause -her to bee hated of the godly. As for you I am sure -of this one thing, he would paint you in your players -orname[n]ts, for they best becam you. But as these -sharpe corrections were disanulde in Rome when -they grewe to more licenciousnes: so I fear me if we -shold practise it in our dayes, the same intertainmente -would followe. But in illreformed Rome what -comedies now? A poets wit can correct, yet not -offend. _Philemon_ will mitigate the corrections of -sinne, by reproving them covertly in shadowes. _Menandar_ -dare not offend ye Senate openly, yet wants he -not a parasite to touch them prively. _Terence_ wyl -not report the abuse of harlots under there proper -stile, but he can finely girde the[m] under the person -of _Thais_. Hee dare not openly tell the Rich of theyr -covetousnesse and severity towards their children, but -he can controle them under the person of _Durus -Demeas_. He must not shew the abuse of noble yong -gentilmen under theyr owne title, but he wyll warne -them in the person of _Pamphilus_. Wil you learne to -know a parasite? Looke upon his _Dauus_. Wyl -you seke the abuse of courtly flatterers? Behold -_Gnato_: and if we had some Satericall Poetes nowe a -dayes to penn our commedies, that might be admitted -of zeale to discypher the abuses of the worlde in the -person of notorious offenders. I know we should -wisely ryd our assemblyes of many of your brotherhod, -but because you may have a full scope to -reprehende, I will ryp up a rableme[n]t of playmakers, -whose wrightinges I would wishe you overlooke, and -seeke out theyr abuses. Can you mislike of _Cecillius_? -or dispise _Plinius_? or amend _Neuius_? or find fault -with _Licinius_? Wherein offended _Actilius_? I am -sure you can not but wonder at _Terrence_? Wil it -please you to like of _Turpelius_? or alow of _Trabea_? -You muste needs make much of _Ennius_ for overloke -al thes, and you shal find ther volums ful of wit if -you examine the[m]: so yt if you had no other -masters, you might deserve to be a doctor, wher now -you are but a folishe scholemaister. But I wyll deale -wyth you verye freendlye, I wil resolve everi doubt -that you find. Those instrumentes which you mislike -in playes grow of auncient custome, for when _Rossius_ -was an Actor, be sure that as with his tears he moved -affections, so the Musitian in the Theater before the -entrance, did mornefully record it in melody (as -Servius reporteth). The actors in Rome had also -gay clothing and every ma[n]s aparel was apliable to -his part and person. The old men in white, ye rich -men in purple, the parasite disguisedly, the yong men -in gorgeous coulours, ther wanted no devise nor good -judgeme[n]t of ye comedy, whe[n]c[e] I suppose our -players both drew ther plaies and fourme of garments. -As for the appointed dayes wherin comedies wer -showen, I reede that the Romaynes appoynted them -on the festival dayes, in such reputation were they -had at that time. Also _Iodocus Badius_ will assertain -you that the actors for shewing pleasure receved -some profite. But let me apply those dayes to ours, -their actors to our players, their autors to ours. - -Surely we want not a _Rossius_, nether ar ther great -scarsity of _Terrences_ professio[n], but yet our men dare -not nowe a dayes presume so much as the old Poets -might, and therfore they apply ther writing to the -peoples vain, wheras if in the beginning they had -ruled, we should now adaies have found smal spectacles -of folly. But (of truth) I must confes with -_Aristotle_, that men are greatly delighted with imitation, -and that it were good to bring those things on stage, -that were altogether tending to vertue: all this I -admit, and hartely wysh, but you say unlesse the -thinge be taken away the vice will continue, nay I -say if the style were changed the practise would profit. -And sure I thinke our theaters fit, that _Ennius_ seeing -our wa[n]ton _Glicerium_ may rebuke her, if our poetes -will nowe become severe, and for prophane things write -of vertue: you I hope shoulde see a reformed state -in those thinges, which I feare me yf they were not, -the idle hedded commones would worke more mischiefe. -I wish as zealously as the best that all abuse -of playinge were abolished, but for the thing, the -antiquitie causeth me to allow it, so it be used as it -should be. I cannot allow the prophaning of the -Sabaoth, I praise your reprehension in that, you did -well in discommending the abuse, and surely I wysh -that that folly wer disclaymed, it is not to be admitted, -it maks those sinne, which perhaps if it were not, -would have binne present at a good sermon. It is in -the Magistrate to take away that order, and appoynt -it otherwyse. But sure it were pittie to abolish yt -which hath so great vertue in it, because it is abused. -The Germanes when the use of preaching was forbidden -them, what helpe had they I pray you? Forsoth -the learned were fayne covertly in comodies to -declare abuses, and by playing to incite the people to -vertues, whe[n] they might heare no preaching. Those -were lamentable dayes you will say, and so thinke I, -but was not this I pray you a good help in reforming -the decaying Gospel? You see then how comedies -(my severe judges) are requesit both for ther antiquity, -and for ther commoditye: for the dignity of -the wrighters, and the pleasure of the hearers. But -after your discrediting of playmaking, you salve uppon -the sore somewhat, and among many wise workes -there be some that fitte your vaine: the practise of -parasites is one, which I mervel it likes you so well -since it bites you so sore. But sure in that I like -your judgement, and for the rest to[o], I approve -your wit, but for the pigg of your own sow (as you -terme it) assuredly I must discommend your verdit. -Tell me Gosson was all your owne you wrote there: -did you borow nothing of your neyghbours? but of -what booke patched you out _Ciceros_ oration? Whence -fet you _Catulins_ invective? Thys is one thing, _alienam -olet lucerna non tuam_. So that your helper may wisely -reply upon you with _Virgil_, - -_Hos ego versiculos feci tulit alter honores_, - -I made these verses other bear the name. Beleve me -I should preferr Wilsons, shorte and sweete if I were -judge, a peece surely worthy prayse, the practise of a -good scholler, would the wiser would overlooke that, -they may perhaps cull some wisedome out of a players -toye. Well, as it is wisedome to commend where -the cause requireth, so it is a poynt of folly to praise -without deserte. You dislike players very much, -theyr dealings be not for your commodity, whom if I -myghte advise they should learne thys of _Juvenal_: - - _Vivendum est recte - Cum propter plurima, tum his - Praecipue causis: ut linguas mancipiorum - Cont[=e]nas. N[=a] lingua mali pars pessima servi._ - - We ought to leade our lives aright, - For many causes move. - Especially for this same cause, - Wisedome doth us behove. - - That we may set at nough[t] those blames, - Which servants to us lay, - For why, the tongue of evel slave, - Is worst as wise men ever say. - -Methinks I heare some of them verifiing these -verses upon you, if it so be that I hear them, I wil -concele it, as for the statute of apparrell and the -abuses thereof, I see it manifestly broken, and if I -should seeke for example, you cannot but offend my -eyes. For if you examine the statuts exactly, a -simple cote should be fitted to your backe. We -should bereve you of your braverye, and examine -your au[n]cestry, and by profession in respect of ye -statute, we should find you catercosens with a (but -hush), you know my meaning, I must for pitie favor -your credit in that you weare once a scholler. You -runne farther to Carders, dicers, fencers, bowlers, -dauncers, and tomblers, whose abuses I wold -rebuke with you, had not your self moved other -matters. But to eche I say thus, for dicing I wyshe -those that know it not to leave to learn it, and let -the fall of others make them wiser. Yf they had an -_Alexander_ to govern they shold be punished, and I -could wish them not to abuse the lenitie of their -prince. _Cicero_ for a great blemish reputeth that -which our gentilmen use for bravery, but _sufficit ista -leniter attigisse_, a word against fencers, and so an -end. Whom I wish to beware with _Demonax_ lest -admitting theyr fencing delightes, they destroy (with -the _Athenians_) the alters of peace; by raysing quarrellous -causes, they worke uprores: but you and I -reprove the[m] in abuse, yet I (for my part) cannot -but allow the practise so it be well used. As for the -filling of our gracious princes cofers with peace, as -it pertaineth not to me, because I am none of her -receivors, so men think unlesse it hath bine lately -you have not bene of her majesties counsel. But -now here as you begin folishly, so surely you end -unlernedly. Prefer you warre before peace? the -sword before the Goune? the rule of a Tyrant before -ye happy days of our gracious Queen? You know -the philosophers are against you, yet dare you stand -in handy grips wyth _Cicero_: you know that force is -but an instrume[n]t when counsell fayleth, and if -wisedome win not, farwel warre. Aske _Alphonsus_ -what counsellors he lyketh of? hee will say his -bookes: and hath not I pray you pollicy alwais over-mastered -force? Who subdued _Hannibal_ in his -great royalty? he yt durst knock at Rome gates to -have the[m] opened is nowe become a pray to a sylly -senator. _Appius Claudius et senex et coecus_, a father full -of wisedome can releve the state of decaying Rome. -And was it force that subdued _Marius_? or armes -that discovered _Catulins_ conspiracies? Was it rash -reuendg in punishing _Cethegus_? or want of witt in -the discoverye of treason? _Cato_ can correct himselfe -for traveling by Sea, when the land profereth -passage, or to be fole hardy in over mutch hazard. -_Aristotle_ accompteth counsell holye, and _Socrates_ can -terme it the key of certentye. What shall we count -of war but wrath, of battel but hastines, and if I did -rule (with _Augustus Caesar_) I woulde refuse these -counselers. What made ye oracle I praye you -accompt of _Calchas_ so much? was it not for his -wisedome? who doth not like of the governer that -had rather meete with _Unum Nestorem_ than _decem -Aiaces_? You cannot tame a Lyon but in tyme, -neither a Tigres in few dayes. Counsell in _Regulus_ -will preferring the liberty of his country before his -lyfe, not remit the delivery of _Carthaginian_ captives. -_Hannibal_ shall flesh himselfe on an olde mans carkas, -whose wisedom preserved his citye. _Adrian_ with -letters can governe hys legions, and rule peasablye -his provinces by policye. Aske _Silvius Italicus_ what -peace is and he will say: - - _Pax optima rerum quas homini novisse - datum est, pax una triumphis - Innumeris potior, pax custodire salutem. - Et cives aequare potens._ - - No better thing to man did nature - Ever give then peace, - Then which to know no greater joy - Can come to our encrease. - To foster peace is stay of health, - And keepes the land in ease. - -Take cou[n]sell of Ovid what sayth he? - -_Candida pax homines, trux decet atra feras._ - - To men doth heavenly peace pertaine - And currish anger fitteth brutish vaine. - -Well as I wish it to have continuance, so I praye -God wyth the Prophet it be not abused. And -because I think my selfe to have sufficiently answered -that I supposed, I conclude with this. God preserve -our peacable princes[s], and confound her enemies. -God enlarge her wisdome, that like _Saba_ she may -seeke after a _Salomon_: God confounde the imaginations -of her enemies, and perfit His graces in her, -that the daies of her rule may be continued in the -bonds of peace, that the house of the chosen -Isralites may be maynteyned in happinesse: lastly I -frendly bid Gosson farwell, wyshinge him to temper -his penn with more discretion. - - - - -II.--JOHN LYLY (?) - -(_The author of_ Euphues _is the most probable claimant -for the authorship also of the following, which is -perhaps the ablest and not the least characteristic of all -the set, Martinist or anti-Martinist. The introduction -and the notes will supply all absolutely necessary information -for understanding it._) - - - _Pappe with an hatchet._ - - Alias, - - _A figge for my God sonne._ - - Or - - _Cracke me this nut._ - - Or - - _A Countrie cuffe, that is, a sound boxe of the_ - eare, for the idiot _Martin_ to hold his peace, - seeing the patch will take no - warning. - - _Written by one that dares call a dog, a dog_, - and made to preuent _Martins_ dog daies. - - - Imprinted by _Iohn Anoke_, and _Iohn Astile_, for the - Bayliue of Withernam, _cum priuilegio perennitatis_, - and are to bee sold at the signe of the - crab tree cudgell in thwackcoate - lane. - - _A sentence._ - - _Martin_ hangs fit for my mowing. - - -To the Father and the two Sonnes, -Huffe, Ruffe, and Snuffe, -the three tame ruffians of the Church, which take pepper -in the nose, because they can not -marre Prelates: -grating. - - -Roome for a royster; so thats well sayd, itch a little -further for a good fellowe. Now haue at you all my -gaffers of the rayling religion, tis I that must take you -a peg lower. I am sure you looke for more worke, -you shall haue wood enough to cleaue, make your -tongue the wedge, and your head the beetle, Ile make -such a splinter runne into your wits, as shal make th[=e] -ranckle till you become fooles. Nay, if you shoot -bookes like fooles bolts, Ile be so bold as to make -your iudgements quiuer with my thunderbolts. If -you meane to gather clowdes in the Commonwealth, -to threaten tempests, for your flakes of snowe weele -pay you with stones of hayle; if with an Easterlie -winde you bring Catterpillers into the Church, with -a Northerne wind weele driue barrennes into your -wits. - -We care not for a Scottish mist, though it wet vs -to the skin, you shal be sure your cockscombs shall not -be mist, but pearst to the skuls. I professe rayling, -and think it as good a cudgell for a Martin, as a -stone for a dogge, or a whippe for an Ape, or poyson -for a rat. - -Yet find fault with no broad termes, for I haue -mesured yours with mine, and I find yours broader -iust by the list. Say not my speaches are light, for -I haue weighed yours and mine, and I finde yours -lighter by twentie graines than the allowance. For -number you exceede, for you haue thirtie ribauld -words for my one, and yet you beare a good spirit. -I was loath so to write as I haue done, but that I -learnde, that he that drinkes with cutters, must not -be without his ale dagger; nor hee that buckles with -Martin, without his lauish termes. - -Who would currie an Asse with an Iuorie combe? -giue the beast thistles for prouender. I doo but yet -angle with a silken flye, to see whether Martins will -nibble; and if I see that, why then I haue wormes -for the nonce, and will giue them line enough like a -trowte, till they swallow both hooke and line, and -then Martin beware your gilles, for Ile make you -daunce at the poles end. - -I knowe Martin will with a trice bestride my -shoulders. Well, if he ride me, let the foole sit fast, -for my wit is verie kickish; which if he spurre with -his copper replie, when it bleedes, it will all to besmeare -their consciences. - -If a Martin can play at chestes, as well as his -nephewe the ape, he shall knowe what it is for a -scaddle pawne to crosse a Bishop in his owne walke. -Such dydoppers must be taken vp, els theile not stick -to check the king. Rip vp my life, discipher my -name, fill thy answer as full of lies as of lines, swell -like a toade, hisse like an adder, bite like a dog, and -chatter like a monkey, my pen is prepared and my -minde; and if yee chaunce to finde any worse -words than you brought, let them be put in your dads -dictionarie. And so farewell, and be hangd, and I -pray God ye fare no worse. - - Yours at an houres warning - Double V. - - -TO THE INDIFFERENT READER. - -It is high time to search in what corner of the Church -the fire is kindled, being crept so far, as that with the -verie smoke the consciences of diuers are smothered. -It is found that certaine Martins, if no miscreants in -religion (which wee may suspect) yet without doubt -malec[=o]tents (which wee ought to feare) haue throwen -fire, not into the Church porch, but into the Chauncell, -and though not able by learning and iudgement to -displace a Sexton, yet seeke to remooue Bishops. -They haue scattered diuers libels, all so taunting and -slanderous, as it is hard to iudge, whether their lyes -exceed their bitternesse, or their bitternesse their -fables. - -If they be answered by the grauitie of learned -Prelates, they presentlie reply with railings; which -argueth their intent to be as farre fr[=o] the truth of -deuotion, as their writings from mildnes of spirit. -It is said that camels neuer drinke, till they haue -troubled the water with their feete, and it seemes -these Martins cannot carouse the sapp of the Church, -till by faction they make tumults in religion. Seeing -th[=e] either they expect no graue replie, or that they -are settled with railing to replie; I thought it more -conuenient, to giue them a whisk with their owne -wand, than to haue them spurd with deeper learning. - -The Scithian slaues, though they bee vp in armes, -must bee tamde with whippes, not swords, and these -mutiners in Church matters, must haue their mouthes -bungd with iests, not arguments. - -I seldome vse to write, and yet neuer writ anie -thing, that in speech might seeme vndecent, or in -sense vnhonest; if here I haue vsed bad tearmes, it is -because they are not to bee answered with good -tearmes: for whatsoeuer shall seeme lauish in this -Pamphlet, let it be thought borrowed of Martins -language. These Martins were hatcht of addle -egges, els could they not haue such idle heads. -They measure conscience by their owne yard, and -like the theeues, that had an yron bed, in which all -that were too long they would cut euen, all that were -too short they would stretch out, and none escapte -vnrackt or vnsawed, that were not iust of their beds -length: so all that are not Martins, that is, of their -peeuish mind, must be measured by them. If he -come short of their religion, why he is but a colde -Protestant, hee must bee pluckt out to the length of a -Puritane. If any be more deuout than they are, as -to giue almes, fast, and pray, then they cut him off -close by the workes, and say he is a Papist. If one -be not cast in Martins mould, his religion must needes -mould. He saith he is a Courtier, I thinke no -Courtier so peruerse, that seeing the streight rule of the -Church, would goe about to bend it. It may be he -is some Iester about the Court, and of that I meruaile, -because I know all the fooles there, and yet cannot -gesse at him. What euer he be, if his conscience be -pind to his cognizance, I will account him more -politicke than religious, and more dangerous for -ciuill broyles, than the Spaniard for an open warre. -I am ignorant of Martin and his maintainer, but my -conscience is my warrant, to care for neither. For I -knowe there is none of honour so carelesse, nor any -in zeale so peeuish, nor of nature any so barbarous, -that wil succour those that be suckers of the Church, -a thing against God and policie; against God, in subuerting -religion; against policie, in altering gouernment, -making in the Church the feast of the Lapithees, -where all shall bee throwne on anothers head, because -euerie one would be the head. And these it is -high time to tread vnder foote: for who would not -make a threshold of those, that go about to make the -Church a barne to thresh in. _Itaque sic disputo._ - - -FINIS. - - -PAPPE WITH AN HATCHET - -Good morrow, goodman Martin, good morrow: will -ye anie musique this morning? What, fast a sleepe? -Nay faith, Ile cramp thee till I wake thee. _O whose -tat?_ Nay gesse olde knaue and odd knaue: for Ile -neuer leaue pulling, till I haue thee out of thy bed -into the streete; and then all shall see who thou art, -and thou know what I am. - -Your Knaueship brake you fast on the Bishops, -by breaking your iests on them: but take heed you -breake not your owne necke. Bastard Iunior dinde -vpon them, and cramde his maw as full of mallice, as -his head was of malapertnesse. Bastard Senior was -with them at supper, and I thinke tooke a surfet of -colde and raw quipps. O what queasie girds were -they towards the fall of the leafe. Old Martin, neuer -entaile thy wit to the eldest, for hee'le spend all he -hath in a quire of paper. - - [Sidenote: _Hee sweares by his mazer, that he will make their wits - wetshod, if the ale haue his swift current._] - -Now sirs, knowing your bellies full of Bishops -bobbs, I am sure your bones would be at rest: but -wee'le set vp all our rests, to make you all restie. I -was once determined to write a proper newe Ballet, -entituled _Martin and his Maukin_, to no tune, because -Martin was out of all tune. Elderton swore -hee had rimes lying a steepe in ale, which -should marre all your reasons: there is an -olde hacker that shall take order for to print -them. O how hee'le cut it, when his ballets -come out of the lungs of the licour. They -shall be better than those of Bonner, or the ierkes -for a Iesuit. The first begins, Come tit me come -tat me, come throw a halter at me. - -Then I thought to touch Martin with Logick, but -there was a little wag in Cambridge, that swore by -Saint Seaton, he would so swinge him with Sillogismes, -that all Martins answeres should ake. The -vile boy hath manie bobbes, and a whole fardle of -fallacies. He begins, - - _Linquo coax ranis, cros coruis, vanaque vanis. - Ad Logicam pergo, quae Mart'ins non timet ergo._ - -And saies, he will ergo Martin into an ague. I haue -read but one of his arguments. - - _Tiburne stands in the cold, - But Martins are a warme furre; - Therefore Tiburne must be furd with Martins._ - -O (quoth I) boy thou wilt be shamed; tis neither -in moode nor figure: all the better, for I am in a -moode to cast a figure, that shall bring them to the -conclusion. I laught at the boye, and left him -drawing all the lines of Martin into sillogismes, -euerie conclusion beeing this, Ergo Martin is to bee -hangd. - -Nay, if rime and reason bee both forestalde, Ile -raile, if Martin haue not barrelde vp all rakehell -words: if he haue, what care I to knock him on the -head with his owne hatchet. He hath taken vp all -the words for his obscenitie: obscentie? Nay, now -I am too nice; squirrilitie were a better word: well, -let me alone to squirrell them. - -Martin, thinkst thou, thou hast so good a wit, as -none can outwrangle thee? Yes Martin, wee will -play three a vies wits: art thou so backt that none -dare blade it with thee? Yes Martin, wee will drop -vie stabbes. Martin sweares I am some gamester. -Why, is not gaming lawful? I know where there is -more play in the compasse of an Hospitall, than in -the circuite of Westchester. One hath been an old -stabber at passage: the One that I meane, thrust a -knife into ones thigh at Cambridge, the quarrel was -about cater-tray, and euer since he hath quarrelled -about cater-caps. - -I thought that hee which thrust at the bodie in -game, would one daie cast a foyne at the soule in -earnest. But hee workes closelie and sees all, hee -learnd that of old Vydgin the cobler, who wrought ten -yeares with spectacles, and yet swore he could see -through a dicker of leather. He hath a wanton -spleene, but wee will haue it stroakt with a spurne, -because his eies are bleard, he thinkes to bleare -all ours; but let him take this for a warning, or else -looke for such a warming, as shall make all his -deuices as like wood, as his spittle is like woodsere. -Take away the Sacke, and giue him some Cinamom -water, his conscience hath a colde stomacke. Cold? -Thou art deceiued, twil digest a Cathedral Church as -easilie as an Estritch a two penie naile. - -But softe Martins, did your Father die at the -Groyne? It was well groapt at, for I knewe him -sicke of a paine in the groyne. A pockes of that -religion (quoth Iulian Grimes to her Father) when al -his haires fell off on the sodaine. Well let the olde -knaue be dead. Whie are not the spawnes of such -a dog-fish hangd? Hang a spawne? drowne it; alls -one, damne it. - -Ye like not a Bishops rochet, when all your fathers -hankerchers were made of his sweete harts smocke. -That made you bastards, and your dad a cuckold, -whose head is swolne so big, that he had neede sende -to the cooper to make him a biggin: and now you -talke of a cooper, Ile tell you a tale of a tubb. - - [Sidenote: _They are not so many, thei are all Centimani, an hundred - hands a peece: so that in all they are but one thousand._] - -At Sudburie, where the Martin-m[=o]gers swarmd to -a lecture, like beares to a honnie pot: a good honest -strippling, of the age of fiftie yeares or thereabout, -that could haue done a worse act if companie had -not been neere, askt his sweete sister, whether -lecherie in her conscience were a sinne? In faith -(quoth she) I thinke it the superficies of sinne, and -no harme if the tearmes be not abusde, for you must -say, vertuously done, not lustily done. Fie, this is -filthie ribaldry. O sir, ther is no mirth without -ribaldrie, nor ribaldrie without Martin, ask mine -hostesse of the iuie bush in Wye for the one, and -my old hostesse of the Swanne in Warwicke for the -other. She is dead: the diuell she is. You are too -broad with Martins brood: for hee hath a hundred -thousand that will set their handes to his Articles, -and shewe the Queene. Sweeter and -sweeter: for wee haue twentie hundred -thousand handes to withstand them. I -would it were come to the grasp, we would -show them an Irish tricke, that when they -thinke to winne the game with one man, -wee'le make holde out till wee haue but two -left to carrie them to the gallowes: well -followed in faith, for thou saidst thou wert a gamester. -All this is but bad English, when wilt thou come to a -stile? Martin hath manie good words. Manie? Now -you put me in minde of the matter, there is a booke -c[=o]ming out of a hundred merrie tales, and the petigree -of Martin, fetchte from the burning of Sodome, his -armes shal be set on his hearse, for we are prouiding -his funerall, and for the winter nights the tales shall -be told _secundum vsum Sarum_: the Deane of -Salisburie can tell twentie. If this will not make -Martin mad, malicious and melancholie (o braue letter -followed with a full crie) then will we be desperate, and -hire one that shall so translate you out of French into -English, that you will blush and lie by it. And one -will we coniure vp, that writing a familiar Epistle about -the naturall causes of an Earthquake, fell into the -bowells of libelling, which made his eares quake for -feare of clipping, he shall tickle you with taunts; all -his works bound close, are at least sixe sheetes in -quarto, and he calls them the first tome of his familiar -Epistle: he is full of latin endes, and worth tenne of -those that crie in London, _haie ye anie gold ends to -sell_. If he giue you a bob, though he drawe no -bloud, yet are you sure of a rap with a bable. If he -ioyne with vs, _perijsti_ Martin, thy wit wil be massacred: -if the toy take him to close with thee, then -haue I my wish, for this tenne yeres haue I lookt to -lambacke him. Nay he is a mad lad, and such a -one as cares as little for writing without wit, as -Martin doth for writing without honestie; a notable -coach companion for Martin, to drawe Diuinitie from -the Colledges of Oxford and Cambridge, to Shoomakers -hall in Sainct Martins. But we neither feare -Martin, nor the foot-cloth, nor the beast that wears -it, be he horse or asse; nor whose sonne he is, be -he Martins sonne, Iohns sonne, or Richards sonne; -nor of what occupation he be, be a ship-wright, cart-wright, -or tiburn-wright. If they bring seuen hundred -men, they shall be boxt with fourteen hundred -boyes. Nay we are growing to a secret bargaine. -O, but I forgate a riddle; _the more it is spied, the lesse -it is seene_. Thats the Sunne: the lesse it is spied of -vs, the more it is seene of those vnder vs. The -Sunne? thou art an asse, it is the Father, for the old -knaue, thinking by his bastardie to couer his owne -heade, putteth it like a stagge ouer the pale. Pale? -nay I will make him blush as red as ones nose, that -was alwaies washt in well water. - -What newes from the Heraldes? Tush, thats -time enough to know to morrow, for the sermon is -not yet cast. The sermon foole? why they neuer -studie, but cleaue to Christ his _dabitur in illa hora_. -They venter to catch soules, as they were soles; -Doctors are but dunces, none sowes true stitches in -a pulpet, but a shoomaker. - - [Sidenote: _Martin Iunior saies, hee found his fathers papers vnder a - bush, the knaue was started from his Fourme._] - -Faith, thou wilt bee caught by the stile. -What care I to be found by a stile, when -so many Martins haue been taken vnder -an hedge? If they cannot leuell, they will -roue at thee, and anatomize thy life from -the cradle to the graue, and thy bodie from -the corne on thy toe, to the crochet on thy -head. They bee as cunning in cutting vp an honest -mans credit, as Bull in quartering a knaues bodie. -Tush (what care I) is my posie; if hee meddle with -mee, Ile make his braines so hot that they shall -crumble, and rattle in his warpt scull, like pepper in -a dride bladder. - -I haue a catalogue of al the sheepe, and it shall -go hard, but I will crosse the bel-weather. Why -shuld I feare him that walkes on his neats-feete. -Neither court, nor countrie that shal be free, I am -like death, Ile spare none. There shall not misse a -name of anie, that had a Godfather; if anie bee -vnchristened, Ile nicke him with a name. - -But whist; beware an action of the case. Then -put this for the case, whether it bee not as lawfull to -set downe the facts of knaues, as for a knaue to -slander honest men. Alls as it is taken; marie the -diuell take al, if truth find not as many soft cushions -to leane on as trecherie. - -Theres one with a lame wit, which will not weare -a foure cornerd cap, then let him put on Tiburne, -that hath but three corners; and yet the knaue himselfe -hath a pretie wench in euerie corner. - - [Sidenote: _He calls none but the heavens to witnesse._] - -I could tickle Martin with a true tale of one of -his sonnes, that hauing the companie of one -of his sisters in the open fieldes, saide, hee -would not smoother vp sinne, and deale in -hugger mugger against his Conscience. In the hundred -merrie tales, the places, the times, the witnesses and -all, shall be put downe to the proofe, where I warrant -you, the Martinists haue consciences of proofe. Doost -think Martin, thou canst not be discouered? What -foole would not thinke him discouered that is balde? -Put on your night cap, and your holie day English, and -the best wit you haue for high daies, all wil be little -enough to keep you from a knaues penance, though -as yet you bee in a fooles paradice. If you coyen -words, as _Cankerburie_, _Canterburines_, etc. whie, I -know a foole that shall so inkhornize you with -straunge phrases, that you shall blush at your owne -bodges. For Similes, theres another shal liken thee -to anie thing, besides he can raile too. If Martin -muzzle not his mouth, and manacle his hands, Ile -blabb all, and not sticke to tell, that pewes and stewes -are rime in their religion. - -Scratch not thy head Martin, for be thou Martin -the bird, or Martin the beast; a bird with the longest -bill, or a beast with the longest eares, theres a net -spread for your necke. Martin, Ile tell thee a tale -woorth twelue pence, if thy witt bee woorth a pennie. - -There came to a Duke in Italie, a large lubber -and a beggerlie, saying hee had the Philosophers -Stone, and that hee could make golde faster than -the Duke could spend it. The Duke askt him why -hee made none to mainteine himself? Because, -quoth he, I could neuer get a secret place to worke -in; for once I endeuoured, and the Popes holinesse -sent for me, whom if he had caught, I should haue -been a prentice to mainteine his pride. The Duke -minding to make triall of his cunning, and eager of -golde, set him to worke closely in a vault, where it -was not knowen to his neerest seruants. This -Alcumist, in short time consumed two thousande -pound of the Dukes gold, and brought him halfe a -ducket: whie (quoth the Duke) is this all? All, -quoth he, my Lord, that I could make by Art. Wel -said the Duke then shalt thou see my cunning: for -I will boile thee, straine thee, and then drie thee, so -that of a lubber, that weighed three hundred weight, -I will at last make a dram of knaues powder. The -Duke did it. - - [Sidenote: _Martin and his mainteiner are both sawers of timber, but - Martin stands in the pit, all the dust must fall in his eies, but he - shal neuer walke on the boards._] - -Martin, if thou to cousen haue crept into the -bosome of some great m[=e], saying thou hast the -churches discipline, and that thou canst by thy -faction and pollicie pull down Bishops and set vp -Elders, bring the lands of the Clergy into the cofers -of the Temporaltie, and repaire Religion, by impairing -their liuings, it may bee, thou shalt bee hearkened -too, stroakt on the head, greasd in the hand, -fed daintelie, kept secretlie, and countenaunst -mightelie. But when they perceiue that all thy -deuices bee but Chymeraes, monsters of thine owne -imaginations, so farre from pulling downe a Cathedrall -Church, that they cannot remooue a corner of a square -cap, th[=e] will they deale with thee as the -Duke did with the Alcumist, giue thee as -many bobs on the eare as thou hast eaten -morsels of their meate, and make thee an -example of sedition to be pointed at, that -art now so mewde vp that none can point -where thou art. All this tale, with the application, -was not of my penning, but found -among loose papers; marie he that did it, -dares stand to it. Now, because I haue nothing to -doo betweene this and supper, Ile tell you another -tale, and so begin Winter by time. - -There was a libeller, who was also a coniurer, so -that whatsoeuer casting of figures there was, he deceiued -them; at the last, one as cunning as himself, -shewed, wher he sate writing in a fooles coate, and so -he was caught and whipt. Martin, there are figures -a flinging, and ten to one thou wilt be found sitting -in a Knaues skinne, and so be hangd. - -Hollow there, giue me the beard I wore yesterday. -O beware of a gray beard, and a balde head: for if -such a one doo but nod, it is right dudgin and deepe -discretion. But soft, I must now make a graue -speach. - -There is small difference between Swallowes and -Martins, either in shape or nature, saue onely, that the -Martins haue a more beetle head, they both breed -in Churches, and hauing fledgde their young ones, -leaue nothing behind them but durt. Vnworthie to -come into the Church porch, or to be nourished -vnder anie good mans eues, that gnawe the bowels, -in which they were bred, and defile the place, in -which they were ingendred. - -They studie to pull downe Bishopps, and set vp -Superintendents, which is nothing else but to raze -out good Greeke, and enterline bad Latin. A fine -period; but I cannot continue this stile, let me fal -into my olde vaine. O doost remember, howe that -Bastard Iunior complaines of brothells, and talkes of -long Megg of Westminster. A craftie iacke, you -thoght because you twitted Mar-martin, that none -would suspect you; yes faith Martin, you shall bee -thresht with your owne flaile. - - [Sidenote: _Hee thought Lais had still lien at Corinth as wel as - Paul._] - -It was one of your neast, that writt this for a loue -letter, to as honest a wom[=a] as euer burnt malt. -'Grace, mercie, and peace to thee (O widow) -with feruent motions of the spirit, that it -may worke in thee both to will and to doo. -Thou knowest my loue to thee is, as Paules -was to the Corinthians; that is, the loue of copulation.' - -How now holie Martin, is this good wooing? If -you prophane the Scriptures, it is a pretie wit; if we -but alledge Doctors to expound them, wee are wicked. -If Martin oppresse his neighbor, why, hee saith, it is -his conscience; if anie else doo right, it is extremitie. -Martin may better goe into a brothell house, then -anie other go by it; he slides into a bad place like -the Sunne, all others stick in it like pitch. If Martin -speake broad bawdrie, why all the crue saies, your -worship is passing merrie. Martin will not sweare, -but with indeede, in sooth, and in truth, hee'le cogge -the die of deceipt, and cutte at the bumme carde of -his conscience. O sweetelie brought in, at least -three figures in that line, besides the wit ant. - -One there was, and such a one as Martin would -make the eldest of his Elders, that hauing fortie -angels sent him for a beneuolence, refusde to giue -the poore fellowe a quittance for the receipt, saying, -Christ had giuen his master a quittance, the same -howre he told it out: and this was at his table, where -he sate with no less than fortie good dishes of the -greatest dainties, in more pompe than a Pope, right -like a superintendent. - -Now to the two bastards, what, were you twins? -It shuld seeme so, for ther w[=e]t but a paire of sheeres -betweene your knaueries. When the old henne hatcht -such eggs, the diuell was in the cocks comb. Your -father thrusts you forward, remember pettie Martins -Aesops crab, the mother going backward, exhorted -her sonnes to goe forward; doo you so first mother, -quoth they, and we will follow. Now the old cuckold -hath puld in his hornes, he would make you creepe -cleane out of the shell, and so both loose your -houses and shewe your nakednesse. You go about -impossibilities, wele no such ch[=a]ge, and if ye had it, -ye would be wearie of it. - -There was a man like Martin that had a goose, -which euerie daie laid him a golden egge, he, not -content with the blessing, kild his goose, thinking to -haue a myne of golde in her bellie, and finding -nothing but dung, the g[=a]der wisht his goose aliue. -Martinists that liue well by the Church, and receiue -great benefites of it, thinke if all Churches were -downe they should be much better, but when they -shall see c[=o]fusion instead of discipline, and atheisme -to be found in place of doctrine, will they not with -sighs wish the Churches and Bishops in their wonted -gouernm[=e]t? Thou art well seen in tales, and -preachest Aesops fables. Tush, Ile bring in _Pueriles_, -and _Stans puer ad mensam_, for such vnmannerlie -knaues as Martin must bee set againe to their A.B.C. -and learn to spell Our Father in a Horne books. -Martin Iunior giues warning that none write against -reuerent Martin: yes, there are _a tribus ad centum_, -from three to an h[=u]dred, that haue vowed to write -him out of his right wittes, and we are all _Aptots_, -in all cases alike, till we haue brought Martin to the -ablatiue case, that is, to bee taken away with Bulls -voyder. - -O here were a notable full point, to leaue Martin -in the hangmans apron. Nay, he would be glad to -scape with hanging, weele first haue him lashte -through the Realme with cordes, that when hee -comes to the gallowes he may be bleeding new. - -The babie comes in with _Nunka_, _Naeme_, and -_Dad_ (Pappe with an hatchet for such a puppie), giue -the infant a bibbe, he all to beslauers his mother -tongue, if he driuell so at the mouth and nose, weele -haue him wipte with a hempen wispe. _Hui?_ How -often hast thou talkt of haltring? Whie it runnes -still in my minde that they must be hangd. Hangde -is the Que, and it comes iust to my purpose. - -There was one endited at a Iaile deliuerie of felonie, -for taking vp an halter by the high way. The Iurie -gaue verdit and said guiltie. The Iudge an honest -man, said it was hard to find one guiltie for taking -vp a penie halter, and bad them consider, what it -was to cast awaie a man. Quoth the foreman, we -haue enquired throughly, and found there was a -horse tied to the halter. I, marie (quoth the Iudge), -then let him be tied to the halter, and let the horse -goe home. Martin, a Monarch in his owne moyst -conceit, and drie counsell, saies he is enuied onelie -because he leuelleth at Bishops; and we say as the -Iudge saith, that if there were nothing else it were -hard to persecute them to death; but when we finde -that to the rule of the Church, the whole state of the -Realme is linckt, and that they filching away -Bishop by Bishop, seeke to fish for the Crown, and -glew to their newe Church their owne conclusions, -we must then say, let Bishops stand, and they hang; -that is, goe home. Looke howe manie tales are in -this booke, so manie must you abate of an hundred -in the next booke, reckon this for one. - -There came by of late a good honest Minister, -with a cloake hauing sleeues: ah (quoth a Martinist, -sitting on a bulke in Cheapside) he is a knaue I -warrant you, a claspe would become one of his coate -to claspe his cloak vnder his chinne. Where tis to -be noted, that they come in with a sleeueless -conscience, and thinke it no good doctrine which is -not preached with the cloak cast ouer each shoulder -like a rippier. - -Twas a mad knaue and a Martinist that diuided -his sermon into 34 parts for memorie sake, and -would handle but foure for memorie sake, and they -were, why Christ came, wherefore Christ came, for -what cause Christ came, and to what end Christ -came; this was all for memorie sake. If that Martin -could thatch vp his Church, this mans scabship should -bee an Elder, and Elders they may bee, which being -fullest of spungie pith, proue euer the driest kixes. -For in time you shall see that it is but a bladder of -worldlie winde which swells in their hearts, being -once prickt, the humour will quicklie be remoued, -O what a braue state of the Church it would be for -all Ecclesiasticall causes to come before Weauers and -Wierdawers, to see one in a motlie Ierkin and an -apron to reade the first lesson. The poore Church -should play at vnequal game, for it should loose al by -the _Elder_ hand. Nay Mas Martin, weele make you -deale, shuffle as well as you can, we meane to cut it. - -If you had the foddring of the sheep you would -make the Church like Primero, foure religions in it, -and nere one like another. I cannot out of his gaming -humour. Why? Is it not as good as Martins -dogged humour, who without reuerence, regard, or -exception, vseth such vnfitting tearmes, as were hee -the greatest subiect in England hee could not iustifie -them. - -Shut the doores (sirs) or giue me my skimmer, -Martins mouth had sod vnskimde these twelue -months, and now it runnes ouer; yet let him alone, -he makes but porredge for the diuell. - -His Elderberines though it be naught worth, yet -is it like an elderberrie, which being at the ripenes of -a perfect black, yet brused staines ones hands like -bloud. They pretending grauitie in the rottennes of -their zeale, bee they once wrung, you shall finde them -lighter than feathers. Thats a simile for the slaues. -Nay, Ile touch them deeper, and make them crie, O -my heart, there is a false knaue among vs. - -Take away this beard, and giue me a pickede -vaunt, Martin sweares by his ten bones: nay, I will -make him mumpe, mow, and chatter, like old Iohn -of Paris garden before I leaue him. - -If Martin will fight Citie fight, wee challenge him -at all weapons, from the taylors bodkin to the watchmans -browne bil. If a field may be pitcht we are -readie: if they scratch, wee will bring cattes: if -scolde, we will bring women: if multiplie words, we -will bring fooles: if they floute, we will bring -quippes: if dispute the matter, we will bring -schollers: if they buffet, we will bring fists. _Deus -bone_, what a number of we will brings be here? -Nay, we will bring Bull to hang them. A good note -and signe of good lucke, three times motion of Bull. -Motion of Bull? Why, next olde Rosses motion of -Bridewell, Buls motion fits them best. _Tria sequuntur -tria_, in reckoning Bull thrise, methinkes it should -presage hanging. O bad application; Bad? I doo -not thinke there can be a better, than to applie a -knaues necke to an halter. Martin cannot start, I -am his shadowe, one parte of the day before him, -another behinde him; I can chalke a knaue on his -backe thrice a weeke, Ile let him bloud in the combe. - -Take heed, he will pistle thee. Pistle me? Then -haue I a pestle so to stampe his pistles, that Ile beate -all his wit to powder. What will the powder of -Martins wit be good for? Marie, blowe vp a dram -of it into the nostrels of a good Protestant, it will -make him giddie; but if you minister it like Tobacco -to a Puritane, it will make him as mad as a Martin. - -Goe to, a hatch before the doore, Martin smels -thee, and wil not feare thee; thou knowest how he -deales with the Archbishop and a Counseller, hee -will name thee and that broadlie. Name me? -Mary he and his shall bee namefied, that's it I -thirst after, that name to name, and knowing one -another, wee may in the streetes grapple; wee except -none: wee come with a verse in our mouthes, -courage in our hearts, and weapons in our hands, and -crie - -_Discite iustitiam moniti, et non temnere diuos._ - -Martins conscience hath a periwig; therefore to -good men he is more sower than wig: a Lemman -will make his conscience curd like a Posset. Now -comes a biting speach, let mee stroake my beard thrice -like a Germain, before I speak a wise word. - -Martin, wee are now following after thee with hue -and crie, and are hard at thy heeles; if thou turne -backe to blade it, wee doubt not but three honest -men shall bee able to beate six theeues. Weele -teach thee to commit sacriledge, and to robbe the -Church of xxiiij. Bishops at a blowe. Doost thinke -that wee are not men Martin, and haue great men to -defend vs which write? Yes, although with thy -seditious cloase, thou would'st perswade her Maiestie -that most of the Gentlemen of account and men -of honour, were by vs thought Puritanes. No, it is -your poore Iohns, that with your painted consciences -haue coloured the religion of diuers, spreading -through the veynes of the Commonwealth like -poyson, the doggednes of your deuotions; which -entring in like the smoothnes of oyle into the flesh, -fretteth in time like quicksiluer into the bones. - -When children play with their meate, tis a signe -their bellies are full, and it must be taken from them; -but if they tread it vnder their feete, they ought to -be ierkt. The Gospell hath made vs wantons, wee -dallie with Ceremonies, dispute of circumstances, -not remembring that the Papists haue been making -roddes for vs this thirtie yeares; wee shall bee -swing'd by them, or worse by Martin, if Martins be -worse. Neuer if it, for they bee worse with a witnesse, -and let the dieull be witnesse. Wee are so -nice, that the Cap is a beame in our Church, the -booke of Common Praier a milstone, the _Pater -noster_ is not well pend by Christ. Well, either religion -is but policie, or policie scarce religious. - -If a Gentleman riding by the way with twentie -men, a number of theeues should by deuise or force -binde all his seruants; the good Iustice of Peace -would thinke he should be robd. When Martinists, -rancke robbers of the Church, shall binde the legges -and armes of the Church, me thinkes the supreme -head of the Church should looke pale. - -They that pull downe the bells of a steeple, and -say it is conscience, will blow vp the chauncell to -make it the quintessence of conscience. Bir Ladie, -this is a good settled speech, a Diuine might haue -seemed to haue said so much. O sir, I am nor al -tales, and riddles, and rimes, and iestes, thats but my -Liripoope, if Martin knock the bone he shall find -marrow, and if he looke for none, we'le knock the -bone on his pate, and bring him on his marie bones. - -I haue yet but giuen them a fillip on the conceipt, -Ile fell it to the ground hereafter. Nay, if they make -their consciences stretch like chiuerell in the raine, -Ile make them crumple like parchment in the fire. - -I haue an excellent balme to cure anie that is -bitten with _Martin mad-dog_. - -I am worth twentie Pistle-penners; let them but -chafe my penne, and it shal sweat out a whole realme -of paper, or make th[=e] odious to the whole Realme. - -O but be not partial, giue them their due though -they were diuels, so will I, and excuse them for taking -anie money at interest. - -There is a good Ladie that lent one of these -Martinists fortie pounds, and when at the daie shee -required her money, Martin began to storme, and -said, he thought her not the child of God, for they -must lend, looking for nothing againe, and so to -acquite himselfe of the blot of vsurie he kepte the -principall. - -These Martins make the Scriptures a Scriueners -shop to drawe conueyances, and the common pleas -of Westminster to take forfeitures. Theyle not sticke -to outlaw a mans soule, and serue it presently with an -execution of damnation, if one denie them to lie -with his neighbours wife. If they bee drunke, they -say, they haue Timothie his weake stomacke, which -Saint Paule willeth to warme with wine. - -They haue sifted the holie Bible, and left vs -nothing as they say, but branne; they haue boulted -it ouer againe and againe, and got themselues the -fine meale; tis meale indeede, for with their wresting -and shuffling holie Writ, they find all themselues -good meales, and stand at liuerie, as it were, at other -mens tables. - -_Sed heus tu, dic sodes_, will they not bee discouraged -for the common players? Would those Comedies -might be allowed to be plaid that are pend, and then -I am sure he would be decyphered, and so perhaps -discouraged. - -He shall not bee brought in as whilom he was, -and yet verie well, with a cocks combe, an apes face, -a wolfs bellie, cats clawes, etc. but in a cap'de cloake, -and all the best apparell he ware the highest day in -the yeare, thats neither on Christmas daie, Good -fridaie, Easter daie, Ascension, nor Trinitie sundaie -(for that were popish), but on some rainie weeke-daie, -when the brothers and sisters had appointed a match -for particular praiers, a thing as bad at the least as -Auricular confession. - - [Sidenote: _If it be shewed at Paules, it will cost you foure pence: - at the Theater two pence: at Sainct Thomas a Watrings nothing._] - -A stage plaier, though he bee but a cobler by -occupation, yet his chance may bee to play the Kings -part. Martin, of what calling so euer he be, can -play nothing but the knaues part, _qui tantum constans -in knauitate sua est_. Would it not bee -a fine Tragedie, when _Mardocheus_ shall play -a Bishoppe in a Play, and Martin _Hamman_, -and that he that seekes to pull downe -those that are set in authoritie aboue him, -should be hoysted vpon a tree aboue all -other. - - [Sidenote: _Reade Martin Seniors Libell, and you shall perceiue that - he is able to teach Gracchus to speake seditiouslie_.] - -Though he play least in sight now, yet -we hope to see him stride from Aldgate to Ludgate, -and looke ouer all the Citie at London Bridge. Soft -swift, he is no traytor. Yes, if it bee treason -to encourage the Commons against the chiefe -of the Clergie, to make a generall reuolt -from the gouernment so wel established, so -wisely maintained, and so long prospering. - -Because they say, _Aue Caesar_, therefore -they meane nothing against Caesar. There -may bee hidden vnder their long gownes -short daggers, and so in blearing Caesars eyes, conspire -Caesars death. God saue the Queene; why it -is the Que which they take from the mouthes of all -traytors, who though they bee throughly conuinced, -both by proofe and their owne confessions, yet at -the last gaspe they crie, God saue the Queene. GOD -saue the Queene (say I) out of their hands, in -whose hearts (long may the Queene thus gouerne) is -not engrauen. - -Her sacred Maiestie hath this thirtie yeares, with -a setled and princelie temper swayed the Scepter of -this Realme, with no lesse content of her subiects, -than wonder of the world. GOD hath blessed her -gouernment, more by miracle th[=a] by counsaile, and -yet by counsaile as much as can come from policie. -Of a State taking such deepe roote, as to be fastened -by the prouidence of God, the vertue of the -Prince, the wisedome of Counsellers, the obedience of -subiects, and the length of time; who would goe -about to shake the lowest bough, that feeles in his -conscience but the least blessing. Heere is a fit -roome to squese them with an Apothegme. - -There was an aged man that liued in a well -ordered Common-wealth by the space of threescore -yeares, and finding at the length that by the heate of -some mens braines, and the warmnes of other mens -bloud, that newe alterations were in hammering, and -that it grewe to such an height, that all the desperate -and discontented persons were readie to runne their -heads against their head; comming into the midst of -these mutiners, cried as loude as his yeares would -allow; Springalls and vnripened youthes, whose -wisedomes are yet in the blade, when this snowe -shall be melted (laying his hand on his siluer haires) -then shal you find store of durt, and rather wish for -the continuance of a long frost, than the comming of -an vntimely thaw. Ile moralize this. - -Ile warrant the good old man meant, that when -the ancient gouernment of the state should be altered -by faction, or newe lawes brought in that were deuised -by nice heads, that there should followe a foule and -slipperie managing; where if happelie most did not -fall, yet all would bee tired. A settled raigne is not -like glasse mettal, to be blowne in bignesse, lenght -or fashion of euerie mans breath, and breaking to be -melted againe, and so blowne afresh; but it is compared -to the fastning of the Cedar, that knitteth it -selfe with such wreaths into the earth that it cannot -be remooued by any violent force of the aire. - -Martin, I haue taken an inuentorie of al thy -vnciuill and rakehell tearmes, and could sute them in -no place but in Bedlam and Bridewell, so mad they -are, and so bad they are, and yet all proceedes of the -spirit. I thinke thou art possest with the spirites of -Iacke Straw and the Black-smith, who, so they might -rent in peeces the gouernment, they would drawe -cuts for religion. - -If all be conscience, let conscience bee the foundation -of your building, not the glasse, shew effects of -conscience, mildnesse in spirit, obedience to Magistrates, -loue to thy brethren. Stitch charitie to thy -faith, or rip faith from thy works. - -If thou wilt deale soberlie without scoffes, thou -shalt be answered grauely without iests, yea and of -those, whom thou canst not controll for learning, -nor accuse for ill life, nor shouldst contemne for -authori[ti]e. But if like a restie Iade thou wilt take -the bitt in thy mouth, and then runne ouer hedge -and ditch, thou shalt be brok[=e] as Prosper broke his -horses, with a muzroule, portmouth, and a martingall, -and so haue thy head runne against a stone wall. - -If thou refuse learning, and sticke to libelling; if -nothing come out of those lauish lips, but taunts not -without bitternesse, yet without wit; rayling not without -spite, yet without cause, then giue me thy hand, -thou and I will trie it out at the cuckingstoole. Ile -make thee to forget Bishops English, and weep Irish; -next hanging, there is no better reuenge on Martin -than to make him crie for anger; for there is no -more sullen beast than a he drab. Ile make him -pull his powting croscloath ouer his beetle browes for -melancholie, and then my next booke shall be Martin -in his mubble fubbles. - - * * * * * - -Here I was writing _Finis_ and _Funis_, and determined -to lay it by, till I might see more knauerie filde -in: within a while appeared olde Martin with a wit worn -into the socket, twinkling and pinking like the snuffe -of a candle; _quantum mutatus ab illo_, how vnlike the -knaue hee was before, not for malice but for sharpnesse. - -The hogshead was euen come to the hauncing, -and nothing could be drawne from him but dregs: -yet the emptie caske sounds lowder than when it was -ful; and protests more in his waining, than he could -performe in his waxing. I drew neere the sillie soule, -whom I found quiuering in two sheetes of protestation -paper. O how meager and leane hee lookt, so creast -falne, that his combe hung downe to his bill, and -had I not been sure it was the picture of enuie, I -shoulde haue sworne it had been the image of death, -so like the verie Anatomie of mischiefe, that one -might see through all the ribbes of his conscience, I -began to crosse my selfe, and was readie to say the -_Pater noster_, but that I knewe he carde not for it, -and so vsed no other wordes, but _abi in malam -crucem_, because I knewe, that lookt for him. I came -so neere, that I could feele a substantiall knaue from -a sprites shadowe. - -I sawe through his paper coffen, that it was but a -cosening corse, and one that had learnde of the holie -maid of Kent, to lie in a trance, before he had -brought foorth his lie; drawing his mouth awrie, -that could neuer speake right; goggling with his eyes -that watred with strong wine; licking his lips, and -gaping, as though he should loose his childes nose, -if he had not his longing to swallowe Churches; and -swelling in the paunch, as though he had been in -labour of a little babie, no bigger than rebellion; but -truth was at the Bishoppes trauaile: so that Martin -was deliuered by sedition, which pulls the monster -with yron from the beastes bowells. When I perceiued -that he masked in his rayling robes, I was so -bolde as to pull off his shrowding sheete, that all the -worlde might see the olde foole daunce naked. - -Tis not a peniworth of protestation that can buy -thy pardon, nor al worth a penie that thou proclaimest. -Martin comes in with bloud, bloud, as though hee -should bee a martir. Martins are mad martirs, some -of them burnt seauen yeares agoe, and yet aliue. -One of them lately at Yorke, pulling out his napkin -to wipe his mouth after a lie, let drop a surgeans -caliuer at his foote where he stood; these fellowes -can abide no pompe, and yet you see they cannot be -without a little squirting plate: rub no more, the -curtall wrinches. - -They call the Bishops butchers, I like the -Metaphore wel, such calues must be knockt on the -head, and who fitter than the Fathers of the Church -to cut the throates of heresies in the Church. Nay, -wh[=e] they haue no propertie of sheepe but bea, their -fleece for flockes, not cloath, their rotten flesh for -no dish, but ditches; I thinke them woorth neither -the tarring nor the telling, but for their scabbednes -to bee thrust from the pinfolde to the scaffold, and -with an _Habeas corpus_ to remooue them from the -Shepheards tarre-boxe to the hangmans budget. - -I but he hath sillogismes in pike sauce, and arguments -that haue been these twentie yeres in pickle. -I, picke hell, you shall not finde such reasons, they -bee all in _celarent_, and dare not shewe their heads, -for wee will answere them in _ferio_ and cut their -combes. So say they, their bloud is sought. Their -bloud? What should wee doo with it, when it will -make a dogge haue the toothach to eat the puddings. - -Martin tunes his pipe to the lamentable note of -_Ora whine meg_. O tis his best daunce next shaking -of the sheetes; but hee good man meant no harme -by it. No more did one of his minions, that thinking -to rap out an oath and sweare by his conscience, -mistooke the word and swore by his concupiscence; -not vnlike the theefe, that in stead of God speede, -sayd stand, and so tooke a purse for God morowe. - -Yet dooth Martin hope that all her Maiesties -best subiects will become Martinists; a blister of -that tongue as bigge as a drummes head; for if the -Queenes Maiestie haue such abiects for her best -subiects, let all true subiects be accompted abiects. - -They that teare the boughs, will hew at the tree, -and hauing once wet their feete in factions, will not -care how deep they wade in treason. - -After Martin had racked ouer his protestation with -a Iades pace, hee runnes ouer his fooleries with a -knaues gallop, ripping vp the souterlie seames of his -Epistle, botching in such frize iestes vppon fustion -earnest, that one seeing all sortes of his shreddes, -would thinke he had robd a taylors shop boord; and -then hee concludes all doggedlie, with Doctor _Bullens_ -dogge _Spring_, not remembring that there is not a -better Spanniell in England to spring a couie of -queanes than Martin. - -Hee sliues one, has a fling at another, a long tale -of his talboothe, of a vulnerall sermon, and of a fooles -head in souce. This is the Epistle which he woonders -at himselfe, and like an olde Ape, hugges the Vrchin -so in his conceipt, as though it should shew vs some -new tricks ouer the chaine, neuer wish it published -Martin, we pittie it before it comes out. Trusse vp -thy packet of flim flams and roage to some countrey -Faire, or read it among boyes in the belfrie, neuer -trouble the church with chattering; but if like dawes, -you will be cawing about Churches, build your nests -in the steeple, defile not the quier. - -Martin writes merely, because (hee saies) people -are carried away sooner with iest than earnest. I, -but Martin neuer put Religion into a fooles coate; -there is great oddes betweene a Gospeller and a -Libeller. - -If thy vaine bee so pleasaunt, and thy witt so -nimble, that all consists in glicks and girds; pen -some play for the Theater, write some ballads for -blind _Dauid_ and his boy, deuise some iests, and -become another _Scogen_, so shalt thou haue v[=e]t inough -for all thy vanities, thy Printer shall purchase, and all -other iesters beg. - -For to giue thee thy due, thou art the best died -foole in graine that euer was, and all other fooles -lacke manie graines, to make them so heauie. - -There is not such a mad foole in Bedlam, nor -such a baudie foole in Bridewell, nor such a dronken -foole in the stockes, nor such a scolding foole on the -cucking-stoole, nor such a cosening foole on the -pillerie, nor such a roaging foole in the houses of -correction, nor such a simple foole kept of alms, nor -such a lame foole lying in the spittle, nor in all the -world, such a foole, all. Nay for fooles set down in -the scriptures, none such as Martin. - -What atheist more foole, that saies in his heart, -_There is no God_? What foole more proud, that -stands in his own c[=o]ceit? What foole more couetous -than he that seekes to tedd abroad the Churches -goods with a forke, and scratch it to himselfe with a -rake. - -Thou seest Martin with a little helpe, to the foure -and twentie orders of knaues, thou maist solder the -foure and twentie orders of fooles, and so because -thou saist thou art vnmarried, thou maist commit -matrimonie, from the heires of whose incest, wee will -say that which you cannot abide, _Good Lord deliuer -vs_. - -If this veyne bleede but sixe ounces more I shall -proue a pretie railer, and so in time may growe to -bee a proper Martinist. Tush, I doo but licke ouer -my pamphlet, like a Beares whelpe, to bring it in -some forme; by that time he replies, it will haue -clawes and teeth, and then let him looke to bee -scratcht and bitten too. - -Thou seest Martin Moldwarpe, that hetherto I -haue named none, but markt them readie for the -next market: if thou proceed in naming, be as sure -as thy shirt to thy knaues skinne, that Ile name such, -as though thou canst not blush, because thou art past -shame, yet they shall bee sorie, because they are not -all without grace. - -Pasquil is coming out with the liues of the Saints. -Beware my Comment, tis odds the margent shall be as -full as the text. I haue manie sequences of Saints, -if naming be the aduantage, and ripping vp of liues -make sport; haue with thee knuckle deepe, it shall -neuer bee said that I dare not venter mine eares -where Martin hazards his necke. - -Now me thinkes Martin begins to stretch himselfe -like an old fencer, with a great conscience for buckler -and a long tongue for a sword. Lie close, you old -cutter at the locke, _Nam mihi sunt vires, et mea tela -nocent_. Tis ods but that I shal thrust thee through -the buckler into the brain, that is through the conscience -into the wit. - -If thou sue me for a double maime, I care not -though the Iurie allow thee treble damages, it cannot -amount to much, because thy c[=o]science is without -wit, and thy wit without conscience, and therefore -both not worth a penie. - -Therefore take this for the first venew, of a yonger -brother, that meanes to drie beate those of the _Elder_ -house. Martin, this is my last straine for this fleech -of mirth. I began with God morrowe, and bid you -God night. I must tune my fiddle, and fetch some -more rozen, that it maie squeake out Martins -Matachine. - - - - -III.--NICHOLAS BRETON - -(Wit and Will _has been already more frequently reprinted -than most things of Breton's, but these reprints -have been in very small numbers, and not generally -accessible. It is given here as being equally characteristic -of the author and of the time, both in matter and -in form, in the mixture of verse and prose, in the plays -on words, in the allegory, in the morality, and in the -style._) - - -THE WIL OF WIT, WIT'S WILL, OR WIL'S -WIT, chuse you whether. Containing five discourses, -the effects whereof follow. READE AND -JUDGE. Compiled by NICHOLAS BRETON, gentleman. -_Non ha, che non sa._ Vires sit Vulnere -Veritas. London: Printed by THOMAS CREEDE, -1599. - - -TO GENTLEMEN SCHOLLERS AND -STUDENTS WHATSOEUER - -Gentlemen, or others, who imploy your time in the -studies of such Arts as are the ornaments of Gentilitie, -to your courtesies I commend the vnlearned discourse -of my little wit, which as I wil not intreate you to commend, -deseruing the contrarie: so I hope you will not -disdain, though it deserue discommendation, but so by -your pardons excuse my small discretion by great desire, -that hereafter, with less hast, I may take as great care -as pains to publish a peece of worke somewhat more -worth the perusing. Till when, wishing you all the -fauor of God, with good fortune of the world, I rest in -honour of learning to you and all students. - -A LOUING FRIEND, N.B., GENTLEMAN. - - -THE EPISTLE TO THE GENTLE READER - -A new booke says one; true, it came forth but tother -day; good stuffe, says another. Read, then iudge. I -confesse it may seeme to a number a bold attempt to -set out a forme of wit, considering the witty discourses -of such fine wits as haue deserued such comendation, as -may driue this meane peece of woorke of mine into -vtter disgrace, were it not that perfect courtesie dooth -bear with imperfect knowledge, regarding more the good -minde in the writer then the matter written: and therefore -the best will giue good words whatsoeuer they -thinke, to encourage a forward wil to doo better, when -indeed it were a fantasticall heade that could doo worse. -Well when Wit is a wool-gathering, and Will wandring -the world without guide, what a case that manne is in -that is in such a taking; I referre you to mad folks of -whom you may see examples suficient, and so I being -in a certain melancholie moode past all Gods forbod, -tooke my pen and Inke and Paper and somewhat I -would go doo whatsoeuer it were to put out one conceit -and bring in another. At last and at first of a suddaine -warres and at adventures, by God's good helpe and -good fortune the little wit that I had meeting with good -Will, I knew not how, fell to worke (at first) I know not -what, but hauing written a while, I made somewhat of -it which, though little to any great purpose, yet if it -please the Readers, I am contented, and if any man -thinke it well done then Wit shall think Will a good boy, -and Will shall think hee tooke Wit in a good vaine, and -Will and Wit shall haue the more heart hereafter to fall -to further woorke; but if I haue bin more wilful than -wise to trouble your wittes with a witlesse peece of work -pardon me for this once, ye shall see I will please you -better hereafter; in the meane time desiring your -courtesies to commend what you think worthie and not -to disdain without desert, I rest wishing your content in -what you wish well as I pray you wish me as I do you, - -YOUR FRIEND NICHOLAS BRETON, GENTLEMAN. - - -AD LECTOREM, DE AUTHORE - - What thing is Will, without good Wit? - Or what is Wit, without good Will? - The one the other doth so fit: - As each one can be but ill. - But when they once be well agreed, - Their worke is likely well to speed. - - For proofe, behold good _Bretons_ will, - By helpe of Wit, what it hath writ: - A worke not of the meanest skill, - Nor such as shewes a simple Wit. - But such a _wit_ and such a _will_, - As hath done well, and hateth ill. - - I need not to commend the man, - Whom none can justly discommend: - But do the best, the best that can, - Yet some will spite, and so I end. - What I have said, I say so still, - I must commend this Wit and Will. - -FINIS - - -AD LECTOREM, DE AUTHORE - - What shall I say of Gold, more then tis Gold: - Or call the Diamond, more then precious: - Or praise the man, with praises manifold - When of himselfe, himselfe is vertuous? - _Wit_ is but _Wit_, yet such his _Wit_ and _Will_, - As proues ill good, or makes good to be ill. - - Why? what his _Wit_? proceed and aske his _Will_, - Why? what his _Will_? reade on, and learne of _Wit_: - Both good I gesse, yet each a seuerall ill, - This may seeme strange, to those that heare of it. - Nay, nere a whit, for vertue many waies, - Is made a vice, yet Vertue hath her praise. - - Wherefore, O _Breton_, worthie is thy worke, - Of commendations worthie to the worth: - Sith captious wittes, in euerie corner lurke, - A bold attempt, it is to set them forth - A forme of Wit, and that in such a sort, - As none offends, for all is said in sport. - - And such a sport, as serues for other kinds, - Both young and old, for learning, armes, and love: - For Ladies humors, mirth with mone he findes, - With some extreames, their patient mindes to proue. - Well, _Breton_, write in hand, thou hast the thing, - That when it comes, loue, wealth, and fame will bring. - - W. S. - - -A PRETIE AND WITTIE DISCOURSE -BETWIXT WIT AND WILL - -Long have I travelled, much ground have I gone, -many wayes have I trode, mickle mony have I spent, -more labour have I lost, in seeking an olde friend of -mine: whose companie so courteous, his counsaile -commodious, his presence so pleasant, and his absence -so greevous, that when I thinke of him, and misse -him, I find such a misse of him, as all things are out -of frame with me. And out of frame, can come to -no good fashion. Oh, what shall I do? It is long -since I lost him: long have I sought him. And too -long (I fear) it wil be ere I find him. But wot you -who it is? Oh, my Wit, I am from my Wit, and -have bin long. Alas the day, I have bin almost mad -with marching through the world without my good -guide, my friend, and my companion, my brother, -yea, my selfe. Alas, where is he? When shall I see -him? How shall I seeke him, and whither shall I -walke? I was too soone wearie of him, and am now -wearie of my selfe without him. Well, I will go -where I may, I may hap to find him: but hap is -unhappie. Therefore hap good, or hap ill, I will -walke on still: if I find him, happie man. If I do -not, what then? Content my selfe even as I can, -patience where is no remedie. - - -_Wit._ - -Long have I lookt, far have I sought, oft have I -wisht, and sore have I longed for my merrie mate, -my quicke sprite, my dearling, and my dearest byrd: -Whose courtesie so contentive, whose helpe so necessary, -whose necessitie so great, whose presence so -pleased me, and absence so angers mee, that when I -would have him, and see I am without him, I am not -in order, and being out of order, can take no good -course. Alas, what shall betide me? I have lost -my love, or my love hath lost me. Would God wee -might meete againe, and be merry togither: which I -cannot bee without him? Oh, what have I lost? -my Will, whither is he gone? when will he returne? -who hath led him away? or will bring him backe -againe? what company is he falne into? or how doth -he leade his life? Well, time yet may turne him. -Till when I wish for him, hoping to meete him, but -hope is uncertaine; - - Yet hope well, and have well, - Thus alone I cannot dwell; - If I find him so it is: - If not, then I wis, - I must be content with this. - Patience is a vertue. - But whom doo I behold so neare? - It is my Will, with heavie cheere: - Well, I am sorie for this geare, - Yet will I to him out of hand, - And know, how so the case doth stand. - What? Will? _Will._ Who? Wit? - - _Wit._ Whither away? - - _Will._ Where I may. - - _Wit._ Whereunto? - - _Will._ Oh, to do. - - _Wit._ What? - - _Will._ Teach thou me that. - - _Wit._ Why, sigh not, boy? - - _Will._ Oh, all my joy. - - _Wit._ Where is it, Will? - - _Will._ Among the ill. - - _Wit._ What, is it lost? - - _Will._ That greeves me most. - - _Wit._ And not to be recovered? - - _Will._ Oh, my heart is almost dead. - - _Wit._ What, Will, hold up head, - I will be thy friend to death. - - _Will_. Then give me leave to fetch my breath, - And welcome: twise and thrice well met: - Where my hearts joy is set. - Many a walk have I fet, - But no comfort could I get, - Till now by thee mine onely friend, - With whom I meane my life to end. - If thou wilt give me leave, good Wit. - - _Wit._ Yes, good sweete Will, and glad of it. - - _Will._ Then harke, good Wit, unto my tale: - Not of amidde my blisse in bale, - Nor any such like stuffe so stale. - I studie not to talke in verse, - But I will unto thee rehearse - A plaine discourse, in homely prose, - Wherein I will at large disclose: - How I have lived, with whom, and where: - How I was tossed, here and there: - How I did chaunce to travaile hither, - And so we will be merrie togither. - - _Wit._ Contented. Verse is good sometime, - But sometime prose, and sometime rime. - But be it either prose or verse, - What so thou wilt, good Will, rehearse: - I meane to heare it to the end, - And quit thee quickly as a friend. - But since thou likest prose so well, - Begin in prose thy tale to tell. - - -_Willes Tale._ - -Oh, good Wit (if thou doost remember), I lost -thee in travaile to the Well of Wisedome. Since -when, I have wandred through a wildernesse of woe, -which in the Mappe of that Countrey (I find) is called -the Desart of Desire. Wherein I saw so many wayes, -as now in this, and then in that. At last I came to -the hill of Hard Happe, which ledde mee downe into -a Vale of Vanitie. There did I live in the Lake of -Miseries, with the lost people, that having followed -Fancie, found Penitence, the reward of running heads. -But Lord what a life it is? I lothe to thinke on it. -Beleeve mee, sweete Wit, there is such falling out -with Fancie, who shifts all upon Folly. Such exclamation -upon Folly, who brings them to Fortune: such -cursing and banning of Fortune, for her froward -dealing: in gentle helping them uppe uppon her -wheele, and then suddaine dinging them downe -(almost to their destruction), that if their bee a Hell -in this world, there is the place. God keepe all good -mindes from such a filthy corner. _Wit._ Amen. But -tell me how camst thou thence? _Will._ I will tell -you anon: but first I will tell you more. There is -of all States. Princes crie out of cares: Lordes, of -lacke of living: Ladyes, of false love: souldiers, of -want of pay: Lawyers, of quiet: Poore men, of Lawe: -Merchants, of shipwracke: Mariners, of fowle weather: -Usurers, of sermons, and Divines, of usurie: Players, -of Preachers, and Preachers, of Players: Dicers, of -loosing, and losers, of dicing: Cryples, of fighting, -and fighters, of hurts: the Rich, of sicknesse: the -Poore, of want: the Sicke, of paine: the healthfull, of -ill happe: the unhappie, of the time that ever they -were borne. Oh, it is a pittious crie: I would not -be there againe, to heare it as I have done, for the -gaine of Europe. - -_Wit._ Beleeve me, I cannot blame thee: but tell -me, how camst thou thence? _Will._ Oh, brother, I -will tell you how: you know, sometime travellers must -needes have rest, which they must come by as they -may: Now, I having walked (as I told you) through -this unpleasant place, weary at last, I laide mee -downe in the ditch of Distresse: where, finding many -dead sculles, and other boanes, I there thought to -begin a sleepe, or sleepe my last: now lying there in -such sort as I tell you, mee thought in my sleepe I -sighed, in which sorrow a good motion of minde set -my heart to prayer; which tended to this effect, that -it would please the mightie and mercifull Majestie of -the Most Highest, to send me some meane, to lead -me out of this miserie; beeing as it were from my -Wit, and altogither comfortlesse. Now, suddenly -there appeared unto me an olde aged man, who tooke -me by the hand, with these words: Arise, thou -sluggish wanton, walke no longer out of thy way, -turne thee backe from this straie pathe, experience -doth teach thee: What is Will without Wit? Prayer -hath procured thee pardon, the high and onely God -hath given thee Grace; by Grace goe seeke that is -worth the finding; look where Wit is; too him, and -make much of him. With joy of that word, I awaked, -and with shame of my folly in leaving thee, I hung -the head; with sorrow whereof I was almost of life -deprived; but now by thy sweete welcome wholy -revived; now awake (I should say), I saw none but -thee; and now, while I live, I will follow thee. - -_Wit._ Why, was it heere you slept, or have you -come farre since you waked? _Will._ No, no, heere -did I sleepe, heere is the place of paine so unpleasant: -but now I see thee, I have received comfort, for that -I know thou canst leade me to Wisdome, who will -soone shew me the way to paradise. _Wit._ Why then, -Will, well hast thou slept, better hast thou dreamed, -but best hast thou waked, to hit on mee so happily, -who intend to bring thee to that good beginning, that -shall leade thee to endlesse blisse. But to quit thy -tale, I will tell thee a little of my travaile, and so we -will away togither. - - -_Wits Tale._ - -Will, thou knowest when I left thee, in the lane of -Learning, I went on straight to the schoole of Vertue, -and with her Testimoniall, to the Well of Wisdome, -which stands within the pallace of Patience; where I -found the fountaine kept with foure ladies, whose -names were Wisdome, Temperance, Fortitude, and -Justice. Now, when I came thither, with sufficient -warning from Vertue, yet (for order sake) they thus -used me; Wisedome, which stood with a snake in -her hand (over whose head was written), _I see the -holes that subtill serpents make_, thus used her warie -speech unto me. Sirra (quoth she), how presume -you into this place? from whence came you, and how -and whither will you? Lady (quoth I), from Fancies -forte I came, and am now travailing to the forte of -Fame. I came now directly from the schoole of -Vertue; brought thither by Learning had by Reason, -servant to Instruction; and heere behold Patience, -who hath lead me, who is further to plead for me. -Welcome (quoth shee), but art thou not wearie? -No (quoth I), nor would be, if the walke had beene -longer, to have my will. _Will._ Why didst thou thinke -me there abouts? Oh, lord, I was far wide. _Wit._ -Peace, Will, a while: when I denide wearinesse; Yea -(quoth Fortitude), an other of the Dames (over whose -head was written, _I yield to good, but overthrow the ill_), -I will see if you be wearie or not, I must trie a fall -with you. At first I made no account of her, but -when I begun, I found her of great force. Yet in -the ende, shee was content to give me over, and let -me come neare the Well. Now, upon the well brinkes -stoode Justice, over whose head was written, _my hand -hits right, death is my stroke, my ballance will not lye_. -Then was my words written down by Memorie, and -weyed with Truth; which being even in judgment, -shee bad me welcome, and so was content to let me -lay my lips to the sweet lycquor of Sapience. Oh it -is a delicate water! - -Now, as I stoode, I heard a trumpet sound; which -done, I heard a voyce which said: What trumpe can -sound the true report of Fame? Now desirous to -see the place, whence I heard this sound, I craved -the ladies pasport to the said place, who gave me no -other pasport than the commandement of Patience, -warning me in any wise to take hold of Time, when -I met him, and turne him to my use: with these two, -I should come to the forte afore me. I, right glad -of my good hap, tooke leave, and forth I went; anon -I met Master Time, with his sithe in his hand, singing, -_Save vertue, al things I cut downe, that stand within -my way_. But as he came working, I watcht him -neare, and as he strooke aside, I suddenly stept to -him, tooke him by the noddle, and turned him to my -work. What wouldest thou (quoth he)? I must not -stand idle. No (quoth I), thou shalt walke, and -leade me to the fort of Fame. Come, then (quoth -he). Goe away softly (quoth Patience). Content -(quoth I). And so togither we go to this stately -Court; where, being first entertained by Courtly, we -were brought to Favour, and so led up to Fame. -Now, being on knee before her highnesse, she first -gave me her hand to kisse, and willed the lords to -bid me welcome. See here (quoth she) the perfection -of affection, what a travaile he hath undertaken onely -for our favour, which he shall be sure of. The Nobles -used me honourably, the Gentlemen courteously, the -Servants reverently, and Favour freendly. Now, as -I stood, I heard such sweete musick, such heavenly -songs, it made my heart leape to heare them. The -prince did sing in praise of peace, the lords of plentie, -the ladies of true love, the lawiers of quiet, the servaunts -of lawe, the merchaunts of sayling, and saylers -of faire weather, the rich of health, the poore of -charitie, the healthfull of good happe, and the happie -of Gods blessing: there was no usurers, dicers, players, -nor fighters heard of. Oh, there was a place of -pleasure; if in the world there be a paradice, that -was it. Oh that thou haddest beene with mee! - -_Will._ So would I, but tell me, how came you -againe? _Wit._ I will tell thee. When I had beene -within, and without, and heard such sweete harmony, -of such singular musicke; at last, I came downe into -the base court, led by Favour, to a lodging which was -called the counting house; there sate Memorie, to -take the names of such as had bin entertained, and -meant to seeke favour, at the hands of happie Fame. -But as I was going through the court, I met one of -the maides of honour attendaunt upon the princesse, -whose name (Favour told me) was Belezza, accompanied -with Gentilezza, another of the maides. Now, -as I was walking, I stared so earnestly on them, that -(not looking to my feete) I stumbled against a stone, -and with the fall I awaked: now awake, I thought of -my good Will; and see how soone it was my happe -to meete with thee; but no sooner then I wished for -thee, nor then I am heartily glad of thee. _Will._ -Gramercy, Wit. But yet I beshrow thee. _Wit._ Why -so? _Will._ For loosing mee. _Wit._ Thou mightest -have followed. _Will._ You might have held me. _Wit._ -When? _Will._ When I was neere you. _Wit._ Where -was that? - -_Will._ Where you lost me. But tell me one thing, -where was it you slept, and awaked so sodainely? -What? was it heere abouts? _Wit._ Yea, heere Will, -heere, heere is the Forte of Fame, as thou shalt finde, -when thou hast beene with me a while; there is no -house, but hath a sinke; no field so fayre, but hath -foule ditch; no place so pleasant, but hath a corner -of anoyance; he that runnes retchlesly, falles headlong; -and hee that is in a hole, he knowes not how, -must come out he knowes not when. Care is to be -had in all things, at all times, and in all places; well, -thou hast knowne some sorrowe; learne to leave selfe -judgement; follow friend, go with me. _Will._ Why? -I would never have lost thee, but-- _Wit._ But that -thou wert wearie of me. _Will._ Why? I was not -wearie, but-- _Wit._ No, but that you were a wanton. -_Will._ Why? I was not a wanton, but-- _Wit._ No, but -that you were wilfull. _Will._ Why? I was not wilfull, -but-- _Wit._ No, but that you thought better of your -selfe than any else. _Will._ Why? but I did not -thinke so, but-- _Wit._ Nay, you may say you would -not have thought so, but-- - -_Will._ But what? or why? _Wit._ But because -you did not see your selfe. _Will._ Yes, indeede, but -I did; I did see my selfe and you too. _Wit._ Indeede, -but you did not; for if you had seene me, -you would not so have lost mee. _Will._ Yes, but I -did see you, but when I had looked on you a while, -I looked on my selfe so long, till you were out of -sight, and then I looked after you and could not see -you. _Wit._ Well, but then you sawe mee not, and -so you lost mee; but since you now have found me, -follow me neere, stay but a buts length behinde mee, -least I suddainly steppe a flights shotte before you, -and then a furlong further, you never overtake me. -_Will._ But soft, runnes Wit so fast, Will is weerie. -_Wit._ Goe too, throw off your clogge of care, trust to -me, so you do as I bid you, all shall be well. _Will._ -Yes, but-- _Wit._ But what? _Will._ But a little of -your helpe. _Wit._ Yes, but-- _Will._ But? What? _Wit._ -But that you must of your selfe labour. _Will._ So I -will, but-- _Wit._ But not too much: well, contented, -I will worke. Wilt thou help? _Will._ Yea, willingly. -_Wit._ How long? _Will._ Till death. _Wit._ -Why, wilt thou dye? _Will._ Not with working: yet -will I worke sore. _Wit._ Whereto? _Will._ To winne -my wish. - -_Wit._ What is that? _Will._ You can tell. _Wit._ -But tell me. _Will._ What? _Wit._ Is it favour? -_Will._ That is one parte of it. _Wit._ Wealth? _Will._ -An other parte. _Wit._ Honour? _Will._ The greatest -next. _Wit._ Content. _Will._ All in all. _Wit._ Where? -_Will._ In heart. _Wit._ How? _Will._ By happe. _Wit._ -How is that? _Will._ By hope. _Wit._ Oh, hope is -vaine. _Will._ Oh, do not discomfort mee. _Wit._ -Doubt the worst. _Will._ Wherefore? _Wit._ Because -I bid thee. _Will._ Why doo you bid mee? _Wit._ For -this reason: the best will helpe it selfe. _Will._ What -is the worst? _Wit._ Envie. _Will._ What will hee -doo? _Wit._ Mischiefe. _Will._ To whome? _Wit._ -To good mindes. _Will._ How shall I doo, then? -_Wit._ Let patience use prayer, God will preserve His -servants. - -_Will._ That I shall: then it is not impossible. -_Wit._ What? _Will._ To get content? _Wit._ It is hard. - -_Will._ What then? _Wit._ Doo our best. _Will._ -Content. _Wit._ But harke, Will: shall I tell thee a -little more of the fort of Fame, what I sawe and -heard before I came away? Over the gate at the -entrie, I sawe written pretie posies, some in Latine, -some in Italian, some French, and some English. In -Latine I remember these: _Quid tam difficile quod non -solertia vincit?_ By that was written, _Labore vertus_: -and by that, _Vertute fama_: and over that, _Fama -immortalis_: and that was written in many places -about the house. In Italian was written, _Gioventu -vecchezza_: by that, _Vecchezza Morte, et Morte Tempo, -et Tempo Fama_: but over all, _Sopra tutti, triumpha -Iddio_. In French, _Le fol Fortune, il prudent Fame. -Fame est divine, diuinitie est pretieuse, Dieu est nostre -guarde._ In English was written. Patience is a -vertue. Vertue is famous. Fame is divine. Divinitie -is gratious. Grace is the gift of God: and God is -the onely giver of grace. Which by patience seekes -the vertue that is famous, to the divine pleasure of -the Giver of all good gifts: blessed be His name, this -shall he find, that enters the fort of Fame. - -_Will._ Oh, sweete speeches. _Wit._ Then wil I tell -thee further: as I walked up and down with Favour, -I heard Courtesie and Content (a couple of courtiers) -discoursing of thee and mee. Of the vertues of Wit, -and the vanities of Will. - -Wit, they sayde, was desirous of knowledge, but -Will could take no paine: Wit would have patience, -but Will would be wood with anger: Wit would worke, -when Will would stand ydle: Wit would be walking, -when Will would bee slouthfull: Wit woulde call for -Willes helpe, when Will cared not for Wits counsaile: -Wit woulde bee wise, and Will would be wanton: -Wit would be vertuous, and Will vaine: Wit would -be famous, and Will foolish: Wit would be sober, and -Will frantick: Wit would be carefull, and Will carelesse: -Wit studying, and Wil playing: Wit at good -exercise, and Wil idle, and worse occupied: Wit -mourning for Will, Will making no mone for Wit: -Wit in his dumps, and Will in delights: Wit would -doo well, and have Will doo no worse, if he would -follow him. But Will would loose Wit, and Wit -must worke without Wil and against Wit: and yet -this is straunge, they were sworne brethren, one could -not be without the other. Yet Wit could make better -shift alone: Wit could finde Will, when he had lost -himselfe, and Will (yet) would please Wit well, when -he would be a good boy: which he would never be -till he were beaten, and that with the smart of his owne -rod: then he would come home to Wit, follow Wit as -his best freend, and never leave him to the last houre. - -Now when I heard this discourse I remembred -thee, and beeing able to tarie no longer the hearing -of such matter against him whom I love, I entreated -Favour to bring me forth into the court, towardes the -counting house: whither walking, I stumbled by the -way, and fell as I told you: wherewith I awoke. -Now, good Will, since I have found thee, and now -thou seest the miseries of the world, come, followe -me, let me bring thee to a better course: let not mee -mourne for thee, nor other thus talke of thee: I will -make much of thee, if thou wilt love mee: I will -make thee give them cause to say: See what a -chaunge! Will is come home, Will is content to be -ruled by Wit: hee workes with Wit, he walkes with -Wit: he mournes and is merie with Wit: he is -travailing to Vertue with Wit, he will finde Fame by -Wit: why he, Will? He is as welcome as Wit, as -worthie as Wit, now he hath learned of Wit how to -direct his course: beleeve me, Will, I love thee. - -_Will._ Gramercie, good Wit, and I thee. But tell -me one thing, mee thinks all this was but a dreame, -for in the ende you did awake with the fall. _Wit._ -True, Will, I was in a dreame, and so wert thou. -_Will._ Oh, then, you did heare men talke so much of -me in your sleepe: awake, I warrant you, you shall -never heare so much amisse of me. _Wit._ I hope so -too: now I have met with thee, I will shewe thee a -way, whereby thou shalt deserve no such discredit. -_Will._ Gramercie. But shall I now tell thee a little -that I had forgotten, that I sawe and hearde in the -Lake of Miserie? _Wit._ Contented, good Will, and -gramercie too. - -_Wil._ Then, Wit, thou shalt understand, I heard -these speeches past among penitent people: when -Wit is wayward, Wil is nobody: wofull Wit, blames -wanton Wil: wanton Wit, chides worthy Wil: unhappie -Wit, hasty Wil: fantastical Wit, forward Will. -Over that, Wit thinks scorne of Will, but yet he cannot -bee without him: Wit hath lost Will, but yet he -is glad to seeke him: Wit mournes for Will, but Wit -sees it not: Will travailes for the stone, that Wit -must whet himselfe uppon: Will is painefull, but -Wit unthankful: Will is courteous, but Wit curst: -Will soone content, Wit too curious: Will would be -ruled, but Wit had no reason: Will would have beene -famous, had Wit beene vertuous: Will had beene -good, had not Wit beene bad: Will had not lost Wit, -had Wit lookt unto him: Will would doo well, if Wit -would doo better: Will would learne, if Wit would teach -him: but Will must worke without Wit, and against -Wit: and yet it was woonderful that sworne brethren -should so disagree, yet one so necessarie for the other -in all actions, as nothing could hit well, when they -were asunder. Will could meete Wit in a maze, and -comfort him with his company: Will could bring Wit -into a good order, when he was quite out of course. -Wit would be glad of Will: but when? When he -found the want of his freend, which he would never -doo, till he were wearie of working alone: and then -he would embrace Will, make much of Will, and -never leave Will for any worlds good. Now when I -heard so much of my good Wit, I could not tarie -any longer in the company, but from them I go, and -by my selfe sate downe, where I slept, and awakt, as -I told you. - -_Wit._ Gramarcie, good Will; why then I perceive -we were both asleepe, we lost one another in travaile, -and travailed in sleepe, to seeke one another; which -walking we have found: happy be this day of our -meeting, and twise happy houre of this our freendly -greeting. Hee runs farre, that never turnes; hee -turnes well, that stayes in time; and hee stayes well, -that stands fast; he stands fast, that never falles; -hee falles lowe, that never riseth; he riseth well, -that stands alone when he is up. Good Will, well -met, let us now bee merrie, shake hands, sweare company, -and never part. _Will._ Content, heere is my -hand, my heart is thine. But ere we goe any further, -let us be a little merry. _Wit._ What shall we doo? -_Will._ Let us sing. _Wit._ Content. But what? -_Will._ What you will; begin, and I will answere you. - - - _A Song betweene Wit and Will_ - - _Wit._ What art thou, Will? - - _Will._ A babe of natures brood. - - _Wit._ Who was thy syre? - - _Will._ Sweet lust, as lovers say. - - _Wit._ Thy mother who? - - _Will._ Wild lustie wanton blood. - - _Wit._ When wert thou borne? - - _Will._ In merrie moneth of May. - - _Wit._ And where brought up? - - _Will._ In schoole of little skill. - - _Wit._ What learndst thou there? - - _Will._ Love is my Lesson still. - - * * * * * - - _Wit._ Where readst thou that? - - _Will._ In lines of sweete delight. - - _Wit._ The author who? - - _Will._ Desire did draw the booke. - - _Wit._ Who teacheth? _Will._ Time. - - _Wit._ What order? _Will._ Lovers right. - - _Wit._ What's that? _Will._ - To catch Content, by hooke or crooke. - - _Wit._ Where keepes he schoole? - - _Will._ In wildernesse of wo. - - _Wit._ Why lives he there? - - _Will._ The fates appoint it so. - - _Wit._ Why did they so? - - _Will._ It was their secret will. - - _Wit._ What was their will? - - _Will._ To worke fond lovers wo. - - _Wit._ What was their woe? - - _Will._ By spite their sport to spill. - - _Wit._ What was their sport? - - _Will._ Dame Nature best doth know. - - _Wit._ How grows their spite? - - _Will._ By want of wish. - - _Wit._ What's that? - - _Will._ Wit knowes right well, - Will may not tell thee what. - - * * * * * - - _Wit._ Then, Will, adue. - - _Will._ Yet stand me in some steed. - - _Wit._ Wherewith, sweete Will? - - _Will._ Alas, by thine advise. - - _Wit._ Whereto, good Will? - - _Will._ To win my wish with speed. - - _Wit._ I know not how. - - _Will._ Oh Lord, that Will were wise. - - _Wit._ Wouldst thou be wise? - - _Will._ Ful fain, then come from schoole. - - _Wit._ Take this of Wit: - Love learns to play the foole. - -_Will._ Content, I wil come from Schoole, I wil -give over _Artem Amandi_, and I will with thee to some -more worthie study, which may be as well to my -commoditie, comfort, as content. _Wit._ Well said, -Will, now I like thee well; and, therefore, now I will -do my best to worke thy delight. But for that now -I have a peece of worke in hand, which none must -be privie too, till it be finished; we will heere leave -off talke, and fall to our worke togither, so I shall the -sooner and the better dispatch it. - -_Will._ Content, You shall have my helpe in it, or -any other thing, wherein I may stand you in steed. -And since you are so glad of my company, we will -live and die togither. _Wit._ Gramercie, good Will; -and meane time let us pray God to prosper our worke; -let us have care how we worke; what, when, and -where we worke, that we may find it commodious, -not contrarie to Gods will, contentive to the best, -offensive to fewe or none; let the matter be vertuous, -so shall he prove famous. _Will._ Good Wit, I thanke -thee for thy good counsaile; God give us His grace -to doo so. I am glad to see thee so well bent; now -I must needs love thee; thou wert never wont to be -so well minded. _Wit._ Better late than never; it is -good to be honest, though a man had forsworne it; -there is no time too late to thrive. _Will._ True; and -I promise thee now, I hope I shall doo well by the -comfortable counsaile of so good a friend. God be -thanked, the old vaine is gone. _Stet pro ratione -voluntas, Sum Juvenis fruar hoc mundo, Senex colam -pietatem. Omnia vincit amor._ Faint heart never -woon faire lady. Let us be merrie while we are here; -when we are gone, all the world goes with us; let -them take care that come after. A man is a man, if -he have but a hose on his head. _Oh che bella donna? -favor della Signora, oh dolce amore, La Sennora et -spada, senza estos nada, Perle Amor de dieu: Beau -damoiselle; oh brave huom; Che gallante cheval? il -faut avoire come?_ That makes no matter; then -sweetes had no sower; but now Wit, oh Will, dost -thou remember all this? I pray thee forget all, and -think no more of such things. I am sorie that ever -they were in my heart, but now thou shall see we will -do well inough: we will take another way, to both -our comforts. We will to Care, and intreate him to -lend us his helpe, for without him, indeed we shall -make an ilfavoured ende, of what we begin untowardly. -I promise thee, I heard the pretiest song betwixt him -and Miserie that I heard a good while: if thou wilt -set it downe in writing, I will recite it unto thee. -_Wit._ Contented, right willingly, and thank thee too. -_Will._ Then loe thus it was. - - - _The Song betweene Miserie and Care._ - - _M._ What art thou, Care? - - _C._ A secret skil unseene. - - _M._ Who was thy syre? - - _C._ Sound Wisdome. _M._ Mother who? - - _C._ Devise. _M._ And who thy nurse? - - _C._ Delight I weene. - - _M._ When wert thou borne? - - _C._ In harvest. _M._ What to do? - - _C._ To worke? _M._ With whom? - - _C._ With Wit and honest Will. - - _M._ What worke? _C._ In graine, - To gleane the good from ill. - - * * * * * - - _M._ What good? _C._ The best. - - _M._ And how? _C._ By warie eye. - - _M._ Whose eye is that? - - _C._ The eye of perfect sight. - - _M._ Who beares that eye? - - _C._ The head that hath me nie. - - _M._ Whose head is that? - - _C._ Each one that loves delight. - - _M._ But what delight? - - _C._ That longest doth endure. - - _M._ Oh, Care. _C._ I come, - Thy comfort to procure. - - * * * * * - - _M._ Whence dost thou come? - - _C._ I come from loftie skie. - - _M._ When camst thou thence? - - _C._ Even now. _M._ Who sent thee so? - - _C._ The gods. _M._ Whereto? - - _C._ To comfort Miserie. - - _M._ But how? _C._ By Wit. - To worke his ease of wo. - - _M._ What wo? _C._ The worst. - - _M._ Whats that? _C._ The griefe of mind. - - _M._ Oh. _C._ Feare not, Care - Will quickly comfort find. - -_Wit._ Beleeve me, I like it well: but is Care so comfortable: -yea, indeed is it. Care is both a corsi[v]e -and a comfort, all is in the use of it. Care is such a -thing, as hath a great a doo in all things: why Care -is a king in his kind. Did you never heare my discourse -of Care in verse? - -_Will._ No, that I remember: if it be not long, I -pray you rehearse it. And for my better remembrance, -henceforth, I will write it. _Wit._ Then give eare, -thus it was. - - -THE SONG OF CARE - -Come, all the world, submit your selves to Care, - And him acknowledge for your chiefest king: -With whom no King or Keisar may compare, - Who beares so great a sway in every thing. -At home, abroad, in peace, and eke in warre, -Care chiefly stands to either make or marre. - -The court he keepes is in a wise conceit, - His house a head, where reason rules the wit: -His seate the heart that hateth all deceit, - His bed, the braine, that feels no frantick fit, -His diet is the cates of sweet content: -Thus is his life in heavenly pleasure spent. - -His kingdome is the whole world round about, - Sorrow his sword, to such as do rebell: -His counsaile, wisedome, that decides each doubt, - His skill, foresight: of things to come, to tell. -His chiefe delight is studies of devise, -To keepe his subjects out of miseries. - -Oh courteous king, oh high and mightie Care, - What shall I write in honour of thy name? -But to the world, by due desert declare - Thy royall state, and thy immortall fame. -Then so I end, as I at first begun, -Care is the king of kings, when all is done. - -FINIS. - - -_Will._ Surely I never heard so much of Care -before: but Reason hath shewed me, all is true that -you have spoken of him. And therefore, let us -humbly crave his helpe in this our worke which we -are to take in hand, I dare warrant his favour. _Wit._ -Sayest thou so, Wil -away, we have talked long: mountains never meete, -but friends often: good happe comes oft unlookt for, -but never unwelcome. I thought not to have found -thee heere, but we see Fortune doth much, but Fates -more, to bring friends togither: and friendship doth -much, where faith is fixed: and faith is a jewell, and -jewells are precious, and precious is for princes. - -Oh God, trust me, Wil, we must be warie to work, -so with advise of Care, that as we are friends one to -another, so we may prove in all actions to shew our -cheefest jewell, our faithfull heart to God and her -Majestie: to whom might we once be so happie as -to presente a peece of worke worthy the receit: oh -how glad shuld then our hearts be, which with faithful -dutie would adventure death for her most excellent -favour: which till by desert we find, and alwaies -let us love and honour our singular good lord, that -hath vouchsafed us his undeserved favour: and let -us heartily pray for the preservation of her most -excellent majestie, with long and prosperous raigne -over us: as for the advancement of his honours -estate, who by his vertues deserves, and by deserts -hath found favour of her highness, love of her peeres, -honour of us, and a number our betters. And so let -us away into my closset of Conceit, where from company -we will thinke upon such matters as here wee -will not talke on. _Will._ Content. We will go -togither, studie thou, and I will make my pen, readie -at thine, or his honors commandement. And thus -till we have dispatcht our worke in hand, let us take -our leave humbly of our good lord, and courteously -of all our friends: Wishing them to employ their -studies to the pleasure of God, content of the best -sort, profit of themselves, and good example to others: -and so _Bacciando le mani del Signore_, let us bid them -all adiu. From our heart, this 8. of June, 1599. - - -INGENIJ VOLUNTAS. - - - - -IV.--ROBERT GREENE - - -(_One passage (that of the 'Shake-scene') in Greene's -Groat's Worth of Wit has been hacked almost to death -by the citations and discussions of Shakespearian commentators. -But the rest has been but little referred -to in comparison; and though it has been reprinted, it -is not, to my knowledge, anywhere accessible as a whole, -and is very generally unknown. It has, however, high -interest, both external and internal, with the additional -claim to preference over Greene's earlier euphuist -romances and 'conny-catching' pamphlets that it is -much shorter than the best of the former, and that -nothing stands in the same relation to it as Dekker's -<f>Hornbook</f> does to the latter. It wants little more -introduction save the reminder that its autobiographic -quality is evidently considerable in fact, if not so -great as in intention, and that it was not printed till -after the author's death._) - - -GREENS, - - Groats-worth of Wit, - - bought with a Million of - _Repentaunce_. - - Describing the follie of youth, the falshoode of makeshift - flatterers, the miserie of the negligent, and mischiefes - of deceiuing Courtezans. - - _Written before his death, and published at his - dying request._ - - _Faelicem fuisse infaustum._ - - _Virescit vulnere veritas._ - - LONDON, - Printed by Thomas Creede, for Richard Oliue - dwelling in long Lane, and are there - to be solde. 1596. - - -THE PRINTER TO THE GENTLE READERS - -I haue published heere Gentlemen for your mirth and -benefit, _Greenes_ groatesworth of wit. With sundry of -his pleasant discourses, ye haue beene before delighted: -But now hath death giuen a period to his pen: onely -this happened into my hands, which I haue published -for your pleasures: Accept it fauorably because it was -his last birth, and not least worth, in my poore opinion. -But I will cease to praise that which is aboue my conceit, -and leaue it selfe to speake for it selfe: and so abide -your learned censuring. - -Yours, W. W./ - - -TO THE GENTLEMEN READERS - -GENTLEMEN. The Swan sings melodiously before death, -that in all his life time vseth but a iarring sound. _Greene_ -though able inough to write, yet deeplyer searched with -sickenesse than euer heretofore, sends you his Swanne-like -song, for that he feares he shal neuer againe carroll -to you woonted loue layes, neuer againe discouer to you -youths pleasures. How euer yet sickenesse, riot, incontinence, -haue at once shown their extremitie, yet if I -recouer, you shall all see more fresh springs, than euer -sprang from me, directing you how to liue, yet not diswading -you from loue. This is the last I haue writ, -and I feare me the last I shall write. And how euer I -haue beene censured for some of my former bookes, yet -Gentlemen / I protest they were as I had speciall information. -But passing them, I commend this to your -fauorable censures, and like an Embrion without shape, -I feare me will bee thrust into the world. If I liue to -ende it, it shall be otherwise: if not, yet will I commend -it to your courtesies, that you may as wel be acquainted -with my repentant death, as you haue lamented my -carelesse course of life. But as _Nemo ante obitum felix, -so Acta Exitus probat_: Beseeching therefore to bee -deemed hereof as I deserue, I leaue the worke to your -likings, and leaue you to your delights./ - - -A GROAT'S WORTH OF WIT - -In an Iland bound with the Ocean, there was sometime -a Citie situated, made rich by Marchandize and -populous by long space: the name is not mentioned -in the Antiquary, or else worne out by times Antiquitie: -what it was it greatly skilles not: but therein -thus it happened. An old new made Gentleman -herein dwelt, of no small credit, exceeding wealth, -and large conscience: he had gathered from many to -bestowe vpon one, for though he had two sonnes, he -esteemed but one, that being as himselfe, brought -vp to be goldes bondman, was therefore held heire -apparent of his ill gathered goods. - -The other was a Scholler, and maried to a proper -Gentlewoman, and therefore least regarded, for tis -an olde said saw: To learning and law, ther's no -greater foe, then they that nothing know: yet was -not the father altogether vnlettered, for he had good -experience in a _Nouerint_, and by the vniuersall -tearmes therein contained, had driuen many gentlewomen -to seeke vnknowen countries: wise he was, -for he boare office in his / parish, and sate as formally -in his fox-furd gowne, as if he had beene a very -vpright dealing Burges: he was religious too, neuer -without a booke at his belt, and a bolt in his mouth, -ready to shoote through his sinfull neighbor. - -And Latin he had some where learned, which -though it were but little, yet was it profitable, for -he had this Philosophie written in a ring, _Tu tibi -cura_, which precept he curiously obserued, being in -selfeloue so religious, as he held it no point of charitie -to part with any thing, of which he liuing might make -vse. - -But as all mortall things are momentarie, and no -certaintie can bee founde in this vncertaine world, so -_Gorinius_ (for that shall be this Usurers name) after -many a goutie pang that had pincht his exterior -parts, many a curse of the people that mounted into -heauens presence, was at last with his last summons, -by a deadly disease arrested, where-against when hee -had long contended, and was by Phisitions giuen -ouer, hee cald his two sonnes before him: and willing -to performe the olde prouerbe, _Qualis vita finis -Ita_, hee thus prepared himselfe, and admonished -them. My sonnes (for so your mother said ye were) -and so I assure my selfe one of you is, and of the -other I wil make no doubt. - -You see the time is come, which I thought would -neuer haue approached, and we must now be seperated, -I feare neuer to meete againe. This sixteene -yeares daily haue I liued vexed with disease: and -might I liue sixteene more, how euer miserably, I -should thinke it happie. But death is relentlesse, -and will not be intreated: witlesse, and knowes not -what good my gold might do him: senseless, & hath -no pleasure in the delightfull places / I would offer -him. In breefe, I thinke he hath with this foole my -eldest sonne beene brought vp in the vniuersitie, and -therefore accounts that in riches is no vertue. But -you my sonne (laying then his hand on the yongers -head) haue thou another spirit: for without wealth -life is a death: what is gentry if wealth be wanting, -but base seruile beggerie? Some comfort yet it -is vnto me, to see how many gallants sprung of noble -parents haue croucht to _Gorinius_ to haue sight of -his gold: O gold, desired golde, admired golde! and -haue lost their patrimonies to _Gorinius_, because they -haue not returned by their day that adored creature! -How many schollers haue written rimes in _Gorinius_ -praise, and receiued (after long capping and reuerence) -a sixpeny reward in signe of my superficiall -liberalitie. Breefely my yong _Lucanio_, how I haue -bin reuerenst thou seest, when honester men I confesse, -haue beene set farre off: for to be rich is to -be any thing, wise, honest, worshipfull, or what not? -I tell thee my sonne: when I came first to this -Cittie, my whole wardrop was onely a sute of white -sheepe skins, my wealth an olde Groate, my wooning, -the wide world. At this instant (O griefe to part -with it) I haue in readie coyne threescore thousand -pound, in plate and Jewels, xv. thousand, in bonds -and specialties as much, in land nine hundred pound -by the yeere: all which, _Lucanio_ I bequeath to thee, -onely I reserue for _Roberto_ thy well red brother, an -olde Groate (being the stocke I first began with) -wherewith I wish him to buy a groatsworth of wit: -for he in my life hath reprooued my maner of life, -and therefore at my death, shall not be contaminated -with corrupt gaine. Heere by the way Gentlemen -must I disgresse to shew the reason of _Gorinius_ -present speech: _Roberto_ being / come from the -Academie, to visit his father, there was a great feast -prouided: where for table talke, _Roberto_ knowing his -father and most of the companie to be execrable -vsurers, inuayed mightily against that abhorred vice, -insomuch that he vrged teares from diuers of their -eyes, and compunction in some of their hearts. -Dinner being past, hee comes to his father, requesting -him to take no offence at his liberall speech, -seeing what he had vttered was truth. Angrie, sonne -(saide he) no by my honesty (& that is somwhat -I may say to you), but vse it still, and if thou canst -perswade any of my neighbours from lending vppon -vsurie, I should haue the more customers: to which -when _Roberto_ would haue replied, he shut himselfe -into his studie, and fell to telling ouer his money. - -This was _Robertos_ offence: nowe returne we to -seeke _Gorinius_, who after he had thus vnequally -distributed his goods and possessions, began to aske -his sons how they liked his bequestes: either seemed -agreed, and _Roberto_ vrged him with nothing more, -then repentance of his sin: Loke to thine owne, said -he, fond boy, and come my _Lucanio_, let me giue -thee good counsel before my death: as for you sir, -your bookes are your counsellors, and therefore to -them I bequeath you. Ah _Lucanio_, my onely comfort, -because I hope thou wilt as thy father be a -gatherer, let me blesse thee before I die. Multiply -in wealth my sonne by anie meanes thou maist, onely -flie Alchymie, for therein are more deceites then her -beggerly Artistes haue wordes; and yet are the -wretches more talkatiue then women. But my -meaning is, thou shouldest not stand on conscience -in causes of profite, but heape treasure vpon treasure, -for the time of neede: yet seeme / to be deuout, -else shalt thou be held vile: frequent holy exercises, -graue companie, and aboue all, vse the conuersation -of yong Gentlemen, who are so wedded to prodigalitie, -that once in a quarter necessity knocks at -their chamber doores: profer them kindnesse to -relieue their wants, but be sure of good assurance: -giue faire words till dayes of payment come, and -then vse my course, spare none: what though they -tell of conscience (as a number will talke) looke but -into the dealings of the world, & thou shalt see it -is but idle words. Seest thou not many perish in -the streetes, and fall to theft for neede: whom small -succor would releeue. Then where is conscience, and -why art thou bound to vse it more then other men? -Seest thou not daily forgeries, periuries, oppressions, -rackings of the poore, raysing of rents, inhauncing of -duties, euen by them that shuld be all conscience, -if they meant as they speake: but _Lucanio_ if thou -reade well this booke, (and with that hee reacht him -Machiauels works at large) thou shalt see what it is -to be foole-holy, as to make scruple of conscience, -where profit presents it selfe. - -Besides, thou hast an instance by thy threed-bare -brother heere, who willing to do no wrong, hath lost -his childs right: for who would wish any thing to -him, that knowes not how to vse it? - -So much _Lucanio_ for conscience: and yet I -knowe not whats the reason, but somewhat stings mee -inwardly when I speake of it. I, father, said _Roberto_, -it is the worme of conscience, that vrges you at the -last houre to remember your life, that eternall life -may follow your repentance. Out foole (said this -miserable father) I feele it now, it was onely a stitch. -I will forward with my exhortation to _Lucanio_. As I -saide my / sonne, make spoyle of yong gallants by -insinuating thy selfe amongst them, and be not -mooued to think their Auncestors were famous, but -consider thine were obscure, and that thy father was -the first Gentleman of the name: _Lucanio_ thou art -yet a Bachelor, and so keepe thee, till thou meete -with one that is thy equall, I meane in wealth: -regard not beautie, it is but a baite to entice thine -neighbors eie: and the most faire are commonly -most fond: vse not too many familiars, for few -prooue friends, and as easie it is to weigh the wind, -as to diue into the thoughts of worldly glosers. I -tell thee _Lucanio_, I haue seene foure score winters -besides the odde seauen, yet saw I neuer him that I -esteemed as my friend but gold, that desired creature, -whom I haue deerely loued, and found so firme a -friend, as nothing, to me hauing it, hath beene wanting. -No man but may thinke deerely of a true -friend, and so doe I of it, laying it vnder sure locks, -and lodging my heart therwith. - -But now (Ah my _Lucanio_) now must I leaue it, -and to thee I leaue it with this lesson, loue none but -thy selfe, if thou wilt liue esteemed. So turning -him to his study, where his chiefe treasure lay, he -loud cried out in the wise mans words, _O mors quam -amara_, O death how bitter is thy memorie to him -that hath al pleasures in this life, and so with two or -three lamentable groanes he left his life: and to -make short worke, was by _Lucanio_ his sonne enterd, -as the custome is with some solemnitie: But leauing -him that hath left the world to him y^t censureth of -euery worldly man, passe we to his sons: and see -how his long laied vp store is by _Lucanio_ looked -into. The youth was of c[=o]dition simple, shamefast, -and flexible to any counsaile, which _Roberto_ perceiuing, -and pondering how little was left to him, -grew into an inward contempt of his fathers vnequall -legacie, and determinate resolution to worke _Lucanio_ -al possible iniurie: here vpon thus conuerting the -sweetnesse of his studie to the sharpe thirst of -reuenge, he (as Enuie is seldome idle) sought out -fit companions to effect his unbrotherly resolution. -Neither in such a case is ill companie farre to seeke, -for the Sea hath scarce so ioperdies, as populous -Citties haue deceiuing Syrens, whose eies are Adamants, -whose wares are witchcrafts, whose doores -leade downe to death. With one of these female -Serpents _Roberto_ consorts, and they conclude, what -euer they compassed, equally to share to their -contentes. This match made, _Lucanio_ was by his -brother brought to the bush, where he had scarce -pruned his wings but hee was fast limed, and _Roberto_ -had what he expected. But that we may keepe -forme, you shall heare how it fortuned. - -_Lucanio_ being on a time very pensiue, his brother -brake with him in these tearmes. I wonder _Lucanio_ -why you are so disconsolate, that want not any thing -in the world that may worke your content. If -wealth may delight a man, you are with that sufficiently -furnisht: if credit may procure a man any -comfort, your word I knowe well, is as well accepted -as any mans obligation: in this Citie are faire buildings -and pleasant gardens, and cause of solace: of -them I am assured you haue your choyse. Consider -brother you are yong, then plod not altogether in -meditating on our fathers precepts: which howsoeuer -they sauoured of profit, were most vnsauerly to one -of your yeeres applied. You must not thinke but -certaine Marchants of this Citie expect your company, -sundry Gentlemen desire your / familiarity, -and by conuersing with such, you will be accounted -a Gentleman: otherwise a pesant, if ye liue thus -obscurely. Besides, which I had almost forgot, and -then had all the rest beene nothing, you are a man -by nature furnished with all exquisite proportion, -worthy the loue of any courtly Ladie, be she neuer -so amorous: you haue wealth to maintaine her, of -women not little longed for: wordes to court her you -shall not want, for my selfe will be your secretary. -Brieflie, why stande I to distinguish abilitie in perticularities, -when in one word it may be sayde, which -no man can gainsay, _Lucanio_ lacketh nothing to -delight a wife, nor any thing but a wife to delight -him? My young maister beeing thus clawde, and -puft vp with his owne prayse, made no longer delay, -but hauing on his holyday hose, he tricked himselfe -vp, and like a fellowe that meant good sooth, hee -clapped his Brother on the Shoulder, and sayde. -Faith Brother _Roberto_, and yee say the worde, lets -go seeke a wife while it is hote, both of vs togither. -Ile pay well, and I dare turne you loose to say as -well as anye of them all: well Ile doe my best, said -_Roberto_, and since ye are so forward, lets goe nowe -and trie our good fortune. - -With this foorth they walke, and _Roberto_ went -directlie towarde the house where _Lamilia_ (for so -wee call the Curtezan) kept her Hospital, which was -in the Suburbes of the Cittie, pleasauntly seated, -and made more delectable by a pleasaunt Garden, -wherein it was scituate. No sooner come they -within ken, but Mistresse _Lamilia_ like a cunning -angler made readie her chaunge of baytes, that shee -might effect _Lucanios_ bane: and to begin, shee discouered -from her window her beauteous inticing -face, and taking a lute in her h[=a]d that / she might -the rather allure, she sung this Sonnet with a delicious -voice. - -_Lamilias Song._ - - Fie fie on blind fancie, - It hinders youths ioy: - Faire virgins learne by me, - To count loue a toy. - -When Loue learned first the A B C of delight, -And knew no figures, nor conceited phrase: -He simplie gaue to due desert her right, -He led not louers in darke winding wayes: - He plainly wild to loue, or flatly answered no, - But now who lists to proue, shall find it nothing so: - Fie fie then on fancie, - It hinders youths ioy, - Faire virgins learne by me, - To count loue a toy. -For since he learnd to vse the Poets pen, -He learnd likewise with smoothing words to faine, -Witching chast eares with trothlesse toungs of men, -And wrayed faith with falshood and disdaine. - He giues a promise now, anon he sweareth no, - Who lifteth for to proue, shall find his changings so: - Fie fie then on fancie - It hinders youth[s] ioy, - Faire virgins learn by me, - To count loue a toy. - -While this painted sepulchre was shadowing her -corrupting guilt, Hiena-like alluring to destruction, -_Roberto_ and _Lucanio_ vnder the windowe, kept euen -pace with / euery stop of her instrument, but especially -my yong Ruffler (that before time like a bird -in a cage, had beene prentise for three liues or one -and twentie yeeres at least, to esteame Auarice his deceased -father). O twas a world to see how he sometime -simperd it, striuing to set a countenance on his -turnd face, that it might seeme of wainscot proofe, -to beholde her face without blushing: anone he -would stroake his bow-bent-leg, as though he went -to shoote loue arrows from his shins: then wipte his -chin (for his beard was not yet grown) with a gold -wrought handkercher, whence of purpose he let fall -a handfull of angels. This golden showre was no -sooner rained, but _Lamil[i]a_, ceast her song, and -_Roberto_ (assuring himselfe the foole was caught) -came to _Lucanio_ (that stoode now as one that had -starde _Medusa_ in the face) and awaked him from his -amazement with these words: What, in a traunce -brother? whence springs these dumps? are yee -amazed at this obiect? or long ye to become loues -subiect? Is there not difference betweene this -delectable life and the imprisonment you haue all -your life hitherto endured? If the sight and hearing -of this harmonious beautie work in you effects of -wonder, what will the possession of so diuine an -essence, wherein beautie and Art dwell in their -perfect excellencie. Brother said _Lucanio_, lets vse -few words, and she be no more then a woman, I -trust youle helpe mee to her? and if you doe, well, -I say no more, but I am yours till death vs depart, -and what is mine shal ye yours, world without end, -Amen. - -_Roberto_ smiling at his simplenesse, helpt him to -gather vp his dropt golde, and without any more -circumstance led him to _Lamilias_ house: for of such -places it may be said as of hell. / - -Noctes atque dies patet atri ianua ditis. - -So their doores are euer open to entice youth -to destruction. They were no sooner entred, but -_Lamilia_ her selfe, like a second _Helen_, court-like -begins to salute _Roberto_, yet did her wandring eie -glance often at _Lucanio_: the effect of her entertainment -consisted in these tearmes, that to her simple -house Signor _Roberto_ was welcome, and his brother -the better welcome for your sake: albeit his good -report confirmed by his present demeaner, were of -it selfe enough to giue him deserued entertainement, -in any place how honourable soeuer: mutuall thanks -returned, they lead this prodigal childe into a Parlor, -garnished with goodly portratures of amiable personages: -neere which, an excellent consert of musicke -began at their entrance to play. _Lamilia_ seeing -_Lucanio_ shamefast, tooke him by the hand, and -tenderly wringing him, vsed these words: Beleeue -me Gentlemen, I am verie sorie that our rude enter[tain]ment -is such, as no way may worke your -content: for this I haue noted since your first entering, -that your countenance hath beene heauie, and -the face being the glasse of the heart, assures me the -same is not quiet: would ye wish any thing heere -that might content you, say but the word, and assure -ye of present deliuerance to effect your full delight. -_Lucanio_ being so farre in loue, as he perswaded -himselfe without her grant hee could not liue, had a -good meaning to vtter his minde, but wanting fit -wordes, hee stoode like a trewant that lackt a -prompter, or a plaier that being out of his part at -his first entrance is faine to haue the booke to -speake what he should performe. Which _Roberto_ -perceiuing replied thus in his behalfe: Madame, the -Sunnes brightnesse daisleth the beholders eies, the -maiestie of Gods, / amazed humane men. _Tullie_ -Prince of Orators, once fainted though his cause -were good, and he that tamed monsters, stoode -amated at beauties ornaments: Then blame not this -yoong man though hee replied not, for he is blinded -with the beautie of your sunne-darkening eies, made -mute with the celestiall organe of your voyce, and -feare of that rich ambush of amber colored darts, -whose pointes are leuelde against his heart. Well -Signor _Roberto_ saide shee, how euer you interpret -their sharpe leuell, be sure they are not bent to doe -him hurt, and but that modestie blindes vs poore -Maidens from vttering the inwarde sorrowe of our -mindes, perchaunce the cause of greefe is ours, how -euer men do colour, for as I am a virgin I protest -(and therewithall shee tainted her cheekes with a -vermilion blush) I neuer sawe Gentleman in my life -in my eie so gratious as is _Lucanio_, onely that is my -greefe, that either I am despised for that he scornes -to speake, or else (which is my greater sorrow) I -feare he cannot speake. Not speake Gentlewoman -quoth _Lucanio?_ that were a ieast indeede: yes, I -thanke God I am sounde of winde and lim, onely -my heart is not as it was woont: but and you be as -good as your word, that will soone be well, and so -crauing ye of more acquaintance, in token of my -plaine meaning receiue this diamond, which my olde -father loued deerely: and with that deliuered her a -Ring, wherein was apointed a Diamond of wonderfull -worth. Which shee accepting with a lowe conge, -returned him a silke Riband for a fauour, tyed with -a truelouers knot, which he fastened vnder a faire -Jewell on his Beuer felt. - -After this _Diomedis & Glauci permutatio_, my -young master / waxed cranke, and the musicke continuing, -was very forward in dauncing, to shew his -cunning: and so desiring them to play on a hornepipe, -laid on the pauement lustily with his leaden -heeles, coruetting like a steede of _Signor Roccoes_ -teaching, and wanted nothing but bels, to bee a -hobbyhorse in a morrice. Yet was he soothed in -his folly, and what euer he did, _Lamilia_ counted -excellent: her praise made him proude, insomuch -that if he had not beene intreated, hee would rather -haue died in his daunce, then left off to shew his -mistresse delight. At last reasonably perswaded, -seeing the table furnished, he was contented to cease, -and settle himselfe to his victuals, on which (hauing -before labored) he fed lustily, especially of a Woodcocke -pie, wherewith _Lamilia_ his caruer, plentifully -plied him. Full dishes hauing furnisht emptie -stomaches, and _Lucanio_ thereby got leisure to talke, -falles to discourse of his wealth, his lands, his bonds, -his abilitie, and how himselfe with all he had, was at -Madame _Lamilias_ disposing: desiring her afore his -brother, to tell him simply what shee meant. _Lamilia_ -replied: My sweet _Lucanio_, how I esteeme of thee -mine eies doe witnesse, that like handmaides, haue -attended thy beautious face, euer since I first beheld -thee: yet seeing loue that lasteth gathereth by -degrees his liking, let this for that suffice: if I finde -thee firme, _Lamilia_ will be faithful: if fleeting, she -must of necessitie be infortunate that hauing neuer -seene any whome before shee could affect, shee -shoulde bee of him iniuriously forsaken. Nay saide -_Lucanio_, I dare say my brother here will giue his -word. For that I accept your own said _Lamilia_, for -with me your credit is better then your brothers. -_Roberto_ brake off their amorous prattle with these -speeches. Sith / either of you are of other so fond -at the first sight, I doubt not but time will make -your loue more firme. Yet madame _Lamilia_ although -my brother and you be thus forward, some -crosse chaunce may come: for _Multa cadunt inter -calicem supremaq. labra_. And for a warning to teach -you both wit, Ile tell you an olde wiues tale. - -Before ye go on with your tale (quoth mistresse -_Lamilia_) let me giue ye a caueat by the way, which -shall be figured in a Fable. - - -_Lamiliaes Tale._ - -The Foxe on a time came to visite the Gray, -partly for kindered, cheefely for craft: and finding -the hole emptie of all other companie, sauing onely -one Badger; enquiring the cause of his solitarinesse, -he described the sodaine death of his dam and sire, -with the rest of his consorts. The Foxe made a -Friday face, counterfeiting sorrow: but concluding -that deaths shake was vneuitable, perswaded him -to seeke some fit mate wherwith to match. The -Badger soone agreed: so forth they went, and in -their way met with a wanton ewe straggling from the -fold: the Foxe bad the Badger play the tall stripling, -and strout on his tiptoes: for (quoth he) this ewe is -lady of al these lands, and her brother cheefe bel-weather -of sundrie flocks. To be short, by the -Foxes permission there would be a perpetuall league -betweene her harmelesse kindred and al other deuouring -beasts, for that the Badger was to them all -allied: seduced, shee yeelded: and the Foxe conducted -them to the Badgers / habitation, where drawing -her aside vnder color of exhortation, [he] pulde -out her throate to satisfie his greedie thurst. Here -I should note, a yoong whelpe that viewed their -walke, infourmed the shepheard of what hapned. -They followed, and trained the Foxe and Badger to -the hole: the Foxe afore had craftily conuaied himself -away: the shepheard found the Badger rauing -for the ewes murther: his lamentation being helde -for counterfet, was by the shepheards dog wearied. -The Foxe escaped: the ewe was spoiled: and euer -since, betweene the Badgers and the dogges, hath -continued a mortall enmitie: And now be aduised -_Roberto_ (quoth she), goe forward with your tale, seeke -not by slie insinuation to turne our mirth to sorrow. -Go too _Lamilia_ (quoth hee), you feare what I meane -not, but how euer ye take it, Ile forward with my tale. - - -_Robertoes Tale._ - -In the North parts there dwelt an old Squier, that -had a yong daughter his heire; who had (as I know -Madame _Lamilia_ you haue had) many youthfull -Gentlemen that long time sued to obtaine her loue. -But she knowing her owne perfection (as women are -by nature proude) woulde not to any of them -vouchsafe fauour: insomuch that they perceiuing -her relentlesse, shewed themselues not altogether -witlesse, but left her to her fortune, when they founde -her frowardnesse. At last it fortuned among other -strangers, a Farmers sonne visited her fathers house: -on whom at the first sight shee was enamored, he -likewise on hir. Tokens of loue past betweene -them, either acquainted others parents of their choise, -and they kindly gaue their consent. Short tale to -make, married they were, and great solemnitie was -at the wedding feast. A yong Gentleman, that had -beene long a suter to her, vexing that the sonne of -a farmer should be so preferred, cast in his minde by -what meanes (to marre their merriment) he might -steale away the Bride. Hereupon he confers with -an old beldam, called mother _Gunby_, dwelling thereby, -whose counsell hauing taken, he fell to his practise, -and proceeded thus. In the after noone, when -dauncers were very busie, he takes the Bride by the -hand, and after a turne or two, tels her in her eare, -he had a secret to impart vnto her, appointing her -in any wise, in the euening to find a time to confer -with him: she promised she would and so they -parted. Then goes he to the bridegroome, and with -protestations of entire affect, protests that the great -sorrow hee takes at that which he must vtter, whereon -depended his especial credit, if it were knowne the -matter by him should be discouered. After the -bridegroomes promise of secrecie, the gentleman tels -him, that a friend of his receiued that morning from -y^e bride a letter, wherein she willed him with some -sixteene horse to awaite her comming at a Parke -side, for that she detested him in her heart as a -base country hinde, with whom her father compelled -her to marrie. The bridegroome almost out of his -wits, began to bite his lippe. Nay, saith the Gentleman, -if you will by me be aduised, you shall saue -her credit, win her by kindnes, and yet preuent her -wanton complot. As how, said the Bridegroome? -Mary, thus, said the gentleman: In the euening (for -till the guests be gone she intends not to gad) get -you / on horsebacke, and seeme to be of the companie -that attends her comming: I am appointed to -bring her from the house to the Parke, and from -thence fetch a winding compasse of a mile about, -but to turne vnto olde mother _Gunbyes_ house, where -her louer my friend abides: when she alights, I wil -conduct her to a chamber far from his lodging, but -when the lights are out, and she expects her adulterous -copesmate, your selfe (as reason is) shall proue her -bedfellow, where priuately you may reprooue her, -and in the morning earely returne home without -trouble. As for the gentleman my frend, I will -excuse her absence to him, by saying, shee mockt -thee with her maide in stead of her selfe, whom when -I knew at her lighting, I disdained to bring her vnto -his presence. The Bridegroome gaue his hand it -should be so. - -Now by the way we must vnderstand this mother -_Gunby_ had a daughter, who all that day sate heauily -at home with a willow garland, for that the bridegroome -(if he had dealt faithfully) should haue -wedded her before any other. But men (_Lamilia_) -are vnconstant, mony now a daies makes the match, -or else the match is marde. - -But to the matter: the bride groome and the -Gentleman thus agreed: he tooke his time, conferred -with the bride, perswaded her that her husband -(notwithstanding his faire shew at the marriage) had -sworne to his old sweete heart, their neighbour -_Gunbyes_ daughter, to be that night her bedfellow: -and if she would bring her father, his father, and -other friends to the house at midnight, they should -finde it so. - -At this the yong gentlewoman inwardly vext to -be by a peasant so abused, promised if she sawe -likelyhood of / his slipping away, that then she would -doe according as he directed. - -All this thus sorting, the old womans daughter -was trickly attired, ready to furnish this pageant, for -her old mother promised all things necessarie. - -Well, Supper past, dauncing ended, all the guests -would home, and the Bridgroome pretending to -bring some friend of his home, got his horse, and to -the Parke side he rode, and stayed with the horsemen -that attended the Gentleman. - -Anone came _Marian_ like mistris Bride, and -mounted behind the gentleman, away they post, -fetch their compasse, & at last alight at an olde wiues -house, where sodenly she is conuaied to her chamber, -& the bridegroome sent to keepe her company: -where he had scarce deuised how to begin his exhortation, -but the father of his bride knockt at the -chamber doore. At which being somewhat amazed, -yet thinking to turne it to a ieast, sith his wife (as he -thought) was in bed with him, hee opened the doore, -saying: Father, you are heartily welcome, I wonder -how you found vs out heere; this deuise to remooue -our selues, was with my wiues consent, that we might -rest quietly without the Maids and Batchelers disturbing -vs. But where is your wife said y^e gentleman? -why heere in bed said he. I thought (quoth -the other) my daughter had beene your wife, for sure -I am to-day shee was giuen you in marriage. You -are merrily disposed said the Bridegroome, what, -thinke you I haue another wife? I thinke but as -you speake, quoth the gentleman, for my daughter is -below, & you say your wife is in the bed. Below -(said he) you are a merie man, and with that casting -on a night-gowne, he went downe, where when he -saw his wife, the gentleman his father, and a number -/ of his friends assembled, he was so confounded, -that how to behaue himselfe he knew not; onely hee -cried out that he was deceiued. At this the olde -woman arises, and making her selfe ignorant of al -the whole matter, enquires the cause of that sodaine -tumult. When she was tolde the new bridegroome was -found in bed with her daughter, she exclaimed against -so great an iniurie. _Marian_ was called in quorum: -she iustified it was by his allurement: he being condemned -by al their consents, was iudged vnworthy -to haue the gentlewoman vnto his wife, & compelled -(for escaping of punishment) to marrie _Marian_: and -the yong Gentleman (for his care in discouering the -farmers sonnes leudnes) was recompenst with the -Gentlewomans euer during loue. - -Quoth _Lamilia_, and what of this? Nay nothing -saide _Roberto_, but that I haue told you the effects -of sodaine loue: yet the best is, my brother is a -maidenly batcheler, and for your selfe, you haue -beene troubled with many suters. The fewer the -better, said _Lucanio_. But brother, I con you little -thanke for this tale: hereafter I pray you vse other -table talke. Lets then end talk, quoth _Lamilia_, and -you (signor _Lucanio_) and I will goe to the Chesse. -To Chesse, said he, what meane you by that? It is -a game, said she, that the first danger is but a checke, -the worst, the giuing of a mate. Wel, said _Roberto_, -that game ye haue beene at alreadie then, for you -checkt him first with your beauty, & gaue your self -for mate to him by your bountie. That is wel taken -brother, said _Lucanio_, so haue we past our game at -Chesse. Wil ye play at tables then, said she? I -cannot, quoth he, for I can goe no furder with my -game, if I be once taken. Will ye play then at cards? -I, said he, if it be at one and thirtie. That fooles -game, said she? Weele all to hazard, said _Roberto_, -and / brother you shall make one for an houre or -two: contented quoth he. So to dice they went, -and fortune so fauoured _Lucanio_, that while they -continued square play, he was no looser. Anone -cosonage came about, and his Angels being double -winged flew cleane from before him. _Lamilia_ being -the winner, prepared a banquet; which finished, -_Roberto_ aduised his brother to depart home, and to -furnish himselfe with more crowns, least he were -outcrakt with new commers. - -_Lucanio_ loath to be outcountenanst, followed his -aduise, desiring to attend his returne, which he before -had determined vnrequested: for as soone as his -brothers backe was turned, _Roberto_ begins to reckon -with _Lamilia_, to bee a sharer as well in the mony -deceitfully woone, as in the Diamond so wilfully -giuen. But she, _secundum mores meretricis_, iested -thus with the scholler. Why _Roberto_, are you so -well read, and yet shew your selfe so shallow witted, -to deeme women so weake of conceit, that they -see not into mens demerites? Suppose (to make -you my stale to catch the woodcocke, your brother) -that my tongue ouerrunning mine intent, I spake -of liberal rewarde; but what I promised, there is -the point; at least what I part with, I will be well -aduised. It may be you wil thus reason: Had not -_Roberto_ trained _Lucanio_ with _Lamilias_ lure, _Lucanio_ -had not now beene _Lamilias_ prey: therfore sith by -_Roberto_ she possesseth her prize, _Roberto_ merites an -equall part. Monstrous absurd if so you reason; as -wel you may reason thus: _Lamilias_ dog hath kilde -her a deere, therefore his mistris must make him a -pastie. No poore pennilesse Poet, thou art beguilde -in me, and yet I wonder how thou couldest, thou -hast beene so often beguilde. But it fareth with -licentious men, as with the chased bore in the / -streame, who being greatly refreshed with swimming, -neuer feeleth any smart vntill he perish recurelesly -wounded with his owne weapons. Reasonlesse -_Roberto_, that hauing but a brokers place, asked a -lenders rewarde. Faithlesse _Roberto_, that hast attempted -to betray thy brother, irreligiously forsaken -thy wife, deseruedly beene in thy fathers eie an -abiect: thinkest thou _Lamilia_ so loose, to consort -with one so lewd? No hypocrite, the sweete Gentleman -thy brother, I will till death loue, and thee -while I liue loath. This share _Lamilia_ giues thee, -other gettest thou none. - -As _Roberto_ would haue replied, _Lucanio_ approached: -to whom _Lamilia_ discourst the whole -deceit of his brother, & neuer rested intimating -malitious arguments, till _Lucanio_ vtterly refused -_Roberto_ for his brother, and for euer forbad him of -his house. And when he wold haue yeelded reasons, -and formed excuse, _Lucanios_ impatience (vrged by -her importunate malice) forbad all reasoning with -them that was reasonlesse, and so giuing him Jacke -Drums entertainment, shut him out of doores: whom -we will follow, and leaue _Lucanio_ to the mercie of -_Lamilia_. _Roberto_ in an extreame extasie rent his -haire, curst his destinie, blamed his trecherie, but -most of all exclaimed against _Lamilia_: and in her -against all enticing Curtizans in these tearmes. - - What meant the Poets to inuectiue verse, - To sing Medeas shame, and Scillas pride, - Calipsoes charmes, by which so many dide? - Onely for this, their vices they rehearse, - That curious wits which in this world conuerse, - May shun the dangers and enticing shoes, - Of such false Syrens, those home-breeding foes, - That from their eies their venim do disperse. / - So soone kils not the Basiliske with sight, - The Vipers tooth is not so venomous, - The Adders tung not halfe so dangerous, - As they that beare the shadow of delight, - Who chaine blinde youths in tramels of their haire, - Till wast bring woe, and sorrow hast despaire. - -With this he laide his head on his hand, and leant -his elbow on the ground sighing out sadly, - -Heu patior telis vulnera facta meis. - -On the other side of the hedge sate one that -heard his sorrow, who getting ouer, came towardes -him, and brake off his passion. When he approached, -he saluted _Roberto_ in this sort. - -Gentleman, quoth hee (for so you seeme), I haue -by chaunce heard you discourse some part of your -greefe; which appeareth to be more then you will -discouer, or I can conceipt. But if you vouchsafe -such simple comfort as my abilitie will yeeld, assure -your selfe that I will endeuour to doe the best, that -either may procure your profit, or bring you pleasure: -the rather, for that I suppose you are a scholler, and -pittie it is men of learning should liue in lacke. - -_Roberto_ wondring to heare such good words, for -that this iron age affoordes few that esteeme of -vertue, returned him thankfull gratulations, and -(vrged by necessitie) vttered his present griefe, beseeching -his aduise how he might be imployed. Why, -easily, quoth hee, and greatly to your benefit: for -men of my profession get by schollers their whole -liuing. What is your profession, sayd _Roberto_? -Truely, sir, said he, I am a player. A Player, quoth -_Roberto_, I tooke you rather for a gentleman of great -liuing, for if by outward habit men shuld be censured, -I tell you you would be taken for a substantiall -/ man. So am I, where I dwell (quoth the player), -reputed able at my proper cost to build a Windmill. -What though the worlde once went hard with mee, -when I was faine to carrie my playing Fardle a -footebacke; _Tempora mutantur_, I know you know -the meaning of it better then I, but I thus conster -it; it is otherwise now; for my very share in playing -apparrell will not be solde for two hundred pounds. -Truely (said _Roberto_) it is strange, that you should -so prosper in that vaine practise, for that it seemes to -me your voyce is nothing gracious. Nay then, said -the player, I mislike your iudgement: why, I am as -famous for Delphrigus, and the king of Fairies, as -euer was any of my time. The twelue labors of -_Hercules_ haue I terribly thundred on the stage, and -placed three scenes of the deuill on the highway to -heauen. Haue ye so (said _Roberto_)? then I pray -you pardon me. Nay, more (quoth the player), I can -serue to make a prettie speech, for I was a countrie -Author; passing at a morall, for it was I that pende -the Moral of mans wit, the Dialogue of Diues, and -for seauen yeeres space was absolute interpreter of the -puppets. But now my Almanacke is out of date. - - The people make no estimation, - Of Morrals teaching education. - -Was not this prettie for a plaine rime extempore? -if ye will ye shall haue more. Nay it is enough, -said _Roberto_, but how meane you to vse mee? Why -sir, in making playes, said the other, for which you -shall be well paied, if you will take the paines. - -_Roberto_ perceiuing no remedie, thought best to -respect of his present necessity, to trie his wit, & -went with him willingly: who lodged him at the -townes end in a house of retaile, where what happened -our Poet you shall / heereafter heare. There, -by conuersing with bad company, he grew _A malo in -peius_, falling from one vice to another, and so hauing -found a vaine to finger crownes he grew cranker -then _Lucanio_, who by this time began to droope, -being thus dealt withall by _Lamilia_. She hauing bewitched -him with her enticing wiles, caused him to -consume, in lesse then two yeares, that infinite -treasure gathered by his father with so many a poore -mans curse. His lands sold, his iewels pawnd, his -money wasted, he was casseerd by _Lamilia_ that had -coosened him of all. Then walked he like one of -duke _Humfreys_ Squires, in a threedbare cloake, his -hose drawne out with his heeles, his shooes vnseamed, -lest his feete should sweate with heate: now (as -witlesse as he was) hee remembred his fathers words, -his kindnes to his brother, his carelesnesse of himselfe. -In this sorrow hee sate downe on pennilesse -bench; where, when _Opus_ and _Vsus_ told him by the -chimes in his stomacke it was time to fall vnto -meate, he was faine with the _Camelion_ to feed vpon -the aire, & make patience his best repast. - -While he was at his feast, _Lamilia_ came flaunting -by, garnished with the iewels whereof she beguiled -him: which sight serued to close his stomacke after -his cold cheere. _Roberto_ hearing of his brothers -beggerie, albeit he had little remorse of his miserable -state, yet did he seeke him out, to vse him as a propertie, -whereby _Lucanio_ was somewhat prouided for. -But being of simple nature, hee serued but for a -blocke to whet _Robertoes_ wit on; which the poore -foole perceiuing, he forsooke all other hopes of life, -and fell to be a notorious Pandar: in which detested -course hee continued till death. But _Roberto_, now -famozed for an Arch-plaimaking-poet, his purse like -the sea somtime sweld, anon like the same sea / -fell to a low ebbe; yet seldom he wanted, his labors -were so well esteemed. Marry this rule he kept, -what euer he fingerd aforehand was the certaine -meanes to vnbinde a bargaine, and being asked why -he so sleightly dealt with them that did him good? -It becomes me, sa[i]th hee, to be contrarie to the -worlde, for commonly when vulgar men receiue -earnest, they doe performe, when I am paid any thing -aforehand I breake my promise. He had shift of -lodgings, where in euery place his Hostesse writ vp -the wofull remembrance of him, his laundresse, and -his boy; for they were euer his in houshold, beside -retainers in sundry other places. His companie were -lightly the lewdest persons in the land, apt for pilferie, -periurie, forgerie, or any villanie. Of these hee knew -the casts to cog at Cards, coosin at Dice: by these -he learned the legerdemaines of nips, foysters, conni-catchers, -crosbyters, lifts, high Lawyers, and all the -rabble of that vncleane generation of vipers: and pithily -could he paint out their whole courses of craft: So -cunning he was in all crafts, as nothing rested in him -almost but craftinesse. How often the Gentlewoman -his wife laboured vainely to recall him, is lamentable -to note: but as one giuen ouer to all lewdnes, -he communicated her sorrowful lines among his loose -truls, that iested at her bootelesse laments. If he could -any way get credite on scores, he would then brag -his creditors carried stones, comparing euerie round -circle to a groning O, procured by a painful burden. -The shamefull ende of sundry his consorts, deseruedly -punished for their amisse, wrought no compunction -in his heart: of which one, brother to a Brothell -he kept, was trust vnder a tree as round as a Ball. - -To some of his swearing companions thus it happened /: -A crue of them sitting in a Tauerne carowsing, -it fortuned an honest Gentleman, and his friend, -to enter their roome: some of them being acquainted -with him, in their domineering drunken vaine, would -haue no nay, but downe he must needes sitte with -them; beeing placed, no remedie there was, but he -must needes keep euen compasse with their vnseemely -carrowsing. Which he refusing, they fell from high -wordes to sound strokes, so that with much adoe the -Gentleman saued his owne, and shifted from their -company. Being gone, one of these tiplers forsooth -lackt a gold Ring, the other sware they see the -Gentleman take it from his hande. Upon this -the Gentleman was indited before a Judge: these -honest men are deposed: whose wisedome weighing -the time of the braule, gaue light to the Iury what -power wine-washing poyson had: they, according -vnto conscience, found the Gentleman not guiltie, -and God released by that verdict the innocent. - -With his accusers thus it fared: one of them for -murther was worthily executed: the other neuer since -prospered: the third, sitting not long after upon a -lustie horse, the beast suddenly died vnder him: God -amend the man. - -_Roberto_ euery day acquainted with these examples, -was notwithstanding nothing bettered, but rather -hardened in wickednesse. At last was that place -iustified, God warneth men by dreams and visions in -the night, and by knowne examples in the day, but if -he returne not, hee comes vpon him with iudgement -that shall bee felt. For now when the number of -deceites caused _Roberto_ bee hatefull almost to all -men, his immeasurable drinking had made him the -perfect Image of the dropsie, and the loathsome -scourge of Lust, tyrannized in his loues: / liuing in -extreame pouerty, and hauing nothing to pay but -chalke, which now his Host accepted not for currant, -this miserable man lay comfortlessely languishing, -hauing but one groat left (the iust proporti[=o] of his -fathers Legacie) which looking on, he cried: O now -it is too late, too late to buy witte with thee: and -therefore will I see if I can sell to carelesse youth -what I negligently forgot to buy. - -Heere (Gentlemen) breake I off _Robertos_ speech; -whose life in most parts agreeing with mine, found -one selfe punishment as I haue doone. Heereafter -suppose me the said _Roberto_, and I will goe on with -that hee promised: _Greene_ will send you now his -groatsworth of wit, that neuer shewed a mitesworth in -his life: and though no man now be by to doe me -good, yet, ere I die, I will by my repentance indeuor -to doe all men good. - - Deceiuing world, that with alluring toyes, - Hast made my life the subiect of thy scorne: - And scornest now to lend thy fading ioyes, - To lengthen my life, whom friends haue left forlorne. - How well are they that die ere they be borne, - And neuer see thy sleights, which few men shun, - Till vnawares they helplesse are vndon. - - Oft haue I sung of loue, and of his fire, - But now I finde that Poet was aduizde; - Which made full feasts increasers of desire, - And prooues weake loue was with the poore despizde. - For when the life with foode is not suffizde, - What thoughts of loue, what motion of delight; - What pleasance can proceede from such a wight? - - Witnesse my want the murderer of my wit, - My rauisht sense of woonted furie reft; - Wants such conceit, as should in Poims sit, - Set downe the sorrow wherein I am left: - But therefore haue high heauens their gifts bereft: - Because so long they lent them me to vse, - And I so long their bountie did abuse. - - O that a yeare were graunted me to liue, - And for that yeare my former wits restorde: - What rules of life, what counsell would I giue? - How should my sinne with sorrow then deplore? - But I must die of euery man abhorde. - Time loosely spent will not againe be woonne, - My time is loosely spent, and I vndone. - -_O horrenda fames_, how terrible are thy assaultes? -but _Vermis conscientiae_, more wounding are thy stings. -Ah Gentlemen, that liue to reade my broken and -confused lines, looke not I should (as I was woont) -delight you with vain fantasies, but gather my follies -altogether, and as you would deale with so many -parricides, cast them into the fire: call them _Telegones_, -for now they kill their father, and euerie lewd -line in them written is a deep piercing wound to my -heart; euery idle houre spent by any in reading -them, brings a million of sorrowes to my soule. O -that the teares of a miserable man (for neuer any -man was yet more miserable) might wash their -memorie out with my death; and that those works -with me together might be interd. But sith they -cannot, let this my last worke witnes against them -with me, how I detest them. Blacke is the remembrance -of my blacke works, blacker then night, blacker -/ then death, blacker then hell. - -Learne wit by my repentance (Gentlemen), and -let these fewe rules following be regarded in your -liues. - -1. First in all your actions set God before your -eies; for the feare of the Lord is the beginning of -wisedome: Let his word be a lanterne to your feete, -and a light vnto your paths, then shall you stande as -firme rocks, and not be mocked. - -2. Beware of looking backe: for God will not be -mocked; of him that hath receiued much, much shall -be demanded. - -3. If thou be single, and canst abstaine, turne -thy eies from vanitie, for there is a kinde of women -bearing the faces of Angels, but the hearts of Deuils, -able to intrap the elect if it were possible. - -If thou be m[a]rried, forsake not the wife of thy -youth, to follow strange flesh; for whoremongers -and adulterers the Lord will iudge. The doore of a -Harlot leadeth downe to death, and in her lips there -dwels destruction; her face is decked with odors, -but shee bringeth a man to a morsell of bread and -nakednesse: of which myselfe am instance. - -5. If thou be left rich, remember those that want, -and so deale, that by thy wilfulnes thy self want not: -Let not Tauerners and Victuallers be thy Executors; -for they will bring thee to a dishonorable graue. - -6. Oppresse no man, for the crie of the wronged -ascendeth to the eares of the Lord; neither delight -to encrease by Usurie, lest thou loose thy habitation -in the euerlasting Tabernacle. - -7. Beware of building thy house to thy neighbours -hurt; for the stones will crie to the timber, -We were laide together in bloud: and those that so -erect houses, calling / them by their names, shall lie -in the graue like sheepe, and death shall gnaw vpon -their soules. - -8. If thou be poore, be also patient, and striue -not to grow rich by indirect meanes; for goods so -gotten shall vanish away like smoke. - -9. If thou be a father, maister, or teacher, ioyne -good examples with good counsaile; else little auaile -precepts, where life is different. - -10. If thou be a sonne or seruant, despise not -reproofe; for though correction be bitter at the first, -it bringeth pleasure in the end. - -Had I regarded the first of these rules, or beene -obedient at the last: I had not now, at my last ende, -beene left thus desolate. But now, though to my -selfe I giue _Consilium post facta_; yet to others they -may serue for timely precepts. And therefore (while -life giues leaue) will send warning to my olde consorts, -which haue liued as loosely as myselfe, albeit -weakenesse will scarce suffer me to write, yet to my -fellowe Schollers about this Cittie, will I direct these -few insuing lines. - -_To those Gentlemen his Quondam acquaintance, -that spend their wits in making Plaies, R. G. -wisheth a better exercise, and wisdome -to preuent his extremities._ - -If wofull experience may mooue you (Gentlemen) -to beware, or vnheard of wretchednes intreate you -to take heed, I doubt not but you will looke -backe with sorrow on your time past, and endeuour -with repentance to spend that which is to come. -Wonder not (for with thee wil I first begin), thou -famous gracer of Tragedians, that _Greene_, who hath -said with thee like the foole / in his heart, There is -no God, should now giue glorie vnto his greatnesse: -for penitrating is his power, his hand lies heauie -vpon me, he hath spoken vnto me with a voice of -thunder, and I haue felt he is a God that can punish -enimies. Why should thy excellent wit, his gift, be -so blinded, that thou shouldst giue no glory to the -giuer? Is it pestilent Machiuilian pollicie that thou -hast studied? O punish follie! What are his rules -but meere confused mockeries, able to extirpate in -small time the generation of mankinde. For if _Sic -volo, sic iubeo_, hold in those that are able to command: -and if it be lawfull _Fas & nefas_ to doe any -thing that is beneficiall, onely Tyrants should possesse -the earth, and they striuing to exceede in tyranny, -should each to other bee a slaughter man; till the -mightiest outliuing all, one stroke were left for Death, -that in one age man's life should ende. The brother -of this Diabolicall Atheisme is dead, and in his life -had neuer the felicitie he aimed at: but as he began -in craft, liued in feare and ended in despaire. -_Quam inscrutabilia sunt Dei iudicia?_ This murderer -of many brethren had his conscience seared like -_Caine_: this betrayer of him that gaue his life for -him, inherited the portion of _Iudas_: this Apostata -perished as ill as _Iulian_: and wilt thou my friend -be his Disciple? Looke vnto me, by him perswaded -to that libertie, and thou shalt finde it an infernall -bondage. I knowe the least of my demerits merit -this miserable death, but wilfull striuing against -knowne truth, exceedeth al the terrors of my soule. -Defer not (with me) till this last point of extremitie; -for little knowest thou how in the end thou shalt be -visited. - -With thee I ioyne young _Iuuenall_, that byting -Satyrist, that lastlie with mee together writ a -Comedie. Sweete / boy, might I aduise thee, be -aduised, and get not many enemies by bitter words: -inueigh against vaine men, for thou canst do it, no -man better, no man so wel: thou hast a libertie to -reprooue all, and none more; for one being spoken -to, all are offended, none being blamed no man is -iniured. Stop shallow water still running, it will -rage, tread on a worme and it will turne: then blame -not schollers vexed with sharpe lines, if they reproue -thy too much libertie of reproofe. - -And thou no lesse deseruing then the other two, -in some things rarer, in nothing inferiour; driuen -(as my selfe) to extreame shifts, a little haue I to say -to thee: and were it not an idolatrous oth, I would -sweare by sweet _S. George_, thou art vnworthie better -hap, sith thou dependest on so meane a stay. Base -minded men al three of you, if by my miserie ye be -not warned: for vnto none of you (like me) sought -those burres to cleaue: those Puppits (I meane) -that speake from our mouths, those Anticks garnisht -in our colours. Is it not strange that I, to whom -they al haue beene beholding: is it not like that -you, to whome they all haue beene beholding, shall -(were ye in that case that I am now) be both at -once of them forsaken? Yes, trust them not: for -there is an vpstart Crow, beautified with our feathers, -that with his _Tygers heart wrapt in a Players hide_, -supposes he is as well able to bumbast out a blanke -verse as the best of you: and being an absolute -_Iohannes fac totum_, is in his owne conceit the onely -Shake-scene in a countrie. O that I might intreate -your rare wits to be imployed in more profitable -courses: & let those Apes imitate your past excellence, -and neuer more acquaint them with your -admired inuentions. I know the best husband of -you all will neuer proue an Usurer, and the kindest -of them / all will neuer prooue a kinde nurse: yet -whilst you may, seeke you better Maisters; for it is -pittie men of such rare wits, should be subiect to the -pleasures of such rude groomes. - -In this I might insert two more, that both haue -writ against these buckram Gentlemen: but let -their owne works serue to witnesse against their owne -wickednesse, if they perseuer to mainteine any more -such peasants. For other new commers, I leaue -them to the mercie of these painted monsters, who -(I doubt not) will driue the best minded to despise -them: for the rest, it skils not though they make a -ieast at them. - -But now returne I againe to you [t]hree, knowing -my miserie is to you no news: and let me heartily -intreate you to bee warned by my harmes. Delight -not (as I haue done) in irreligious oaths; for from -the blasphemers house a curse shall not depart. -Despise drunkennes, which wasteth the wit, and -maketh men all equal vnto beasts. Flie lust, as the -deathsman of the soule, and defile not the Temple -of the holy ghost. Abhorre those Epicures, whose -loose life hath made religion lothsome to your eares: -and when they sooth you with tearmes of Mastership, -remember _Robert Greene_, whome they haue so often -flattered, perishes now for want of comfort. Remember -gentlemen, your liues are like so many -lighted Tapers, that are with care deliuered to all of -you to maintaine: these with wind-puft wrath may -be extinguisht, which drunkennes put out, which -negligence let fall: for mans time of itselfe is not so -short, but it is more shortened by sin. The fire of -my light is now at the last snuffe, and the want of -wherwith to sustaine it, there is no substance left -for life to feede on. Trust not then (I beseech yee) -to such weake staies: for they / are as changeable in -minde, as in many attires. Well, my hand is tired, -and I am forst to leaue where I would begin; for a -whole booke cannot containe these wrongs, which I -am forst to knit vp in some few lines of words. - - _Desirous that you should liue, though - himselfe be dying, - Robert Greene._ - -Now to all men I bid farewell in this sort, with -this conceited Fable of the olde Comedian _AEsope_. - -An Ant and a Grashopper walking together on a -greene, the one carelessely skipping, the other carefully -prying what winters prouision was scattered in -the way: the Grashopper scorning (as wantons wil) -this needelesse thrift (as he tearmed it) reprooued him -thus: - - The greedie miser thirsteth still for gaine; - His thrift is theft, his weale works others woe: - That foole is fond which will in caues remaine, - When mongst faire sweetes he may at pleasure goe. - -To this the Ant perceiuing the Grashoppers -meaning, quickly replied: - - The thriftie husband spares what vnthrifts spends, - His thrift no theft, for dangers to prouide: - Trust to thy selfe, small hope in want yeeld friendes, - A caue is better than the desarts wide. - -In short time these two parted, the one to his -pleasure / the other to his labour. Anon Haruest -grewe on, and reft from the Grashopper his woonted -moysture. Then weakely skips he to the medows -brinks: where till fell winter he abode. But stormes -continually powring, hee went for succour to the Ant -his olde acquaintance, to whome he had scarce discouered -his estate, but the little worme made this -replie. - - Pack hence (quoth he) thou idle lazie worme, - My house doth harbour no vnthriftie mates: - Thou scornedst to toile, and now thou feelst the storme, - And starust for foode while I am fed with cates. - Vse no intreats, I will relentlesse rest, - For toyling labour hates an idle guest. - -The Grashopper, foodlesse, helpelesse, and -strengthlesse, got into the next brooke, and in the -yeelding sand digde himselfe a pit: by which likewise -he ingraued this Epitaph. - - When Springs greene prime arrayd me with delight, - And euery power with youthfull vigor fild, - Gaue strength to worke what euer fancie wild: - I neuer feard the force of winters spight. - - When first I saw the sunne the day begin, - And drie the mornings teares from hearbs and grasse; - I little thought his chearefull light would passe, - Till vgly night with darknes enterd in. - And then day lost I mournd, spring past I waild, - But neither teares for this or that auaild. - - Then too too late I praisd the Emmets paine, / - That sought in spring a harbour gainst the heate: - And in the haruest gathered winters meate, - Perceiuing famine, frosts, and stormie raine. - - My wretched end may warne Greene springing youth, - To vse delights as toyes that will deceiue, - And scorne the world before the world them leaue: - For all worlds trust, is ruine without ruth. - Then blest are they that like the toyling Ant, - Prouide in time gainst winters wofull want. - -With this the grashopper yeelding to the weathers -extremit[ie], died comfortlesse without remedie. Like -him myselfe: like me, shall al that trust to friends or -times inconstancie. Now faint of my last infirmitie, -beseeching them that shal burie my bodie, to publish -this last farewell, written with my wretched hand. - -Faelicem fuisse infaustum. - - * * * * * - -_A letter written to his wife, found with this -booke after his death._ - -The remembrance of many wrongs offered thee, -and thy vnreprooued virtues, adde greater sorrow -to my miserable state then I can vtter or thou -conceiue. Neither is it lessened by consideration -of thy absence (though shame would let me hardly -beholde thy face) but exceedingly aggrauated, for -that I cannot (as I ought) to thy owne selfe reconcile -my selfe, that thou mightest witnesse my inward woe -at this instant, that haue made thee a wofull wife for -so long a time. But equal heauen hath denied that -comfort, giuing at my last neede / like succour as I -haue sought all my life: being in this extremitie as -voide of helpe as thou hast beene of hope. Reason -would, that after so long waste, I should not send -thee a childe to bring thee greater charge; but -consider he is the fruit of thy wombe, in whose face -regard not the fathers faults so much as thy owne -perfections. He is yet Greene, and may grow -straight, if he be carefully tended: otherwise apt -enough (I feare me) to follow his fathers folly. That -I haue offended thee highly I knowe; that thou canst -forget my iniuries I hardly beleeue: yet perswade I -my selfe if thou saw my wretched state thou couldest -not but lament it: nay, certainely I knowe thou -wouldest. Al my wrongs muster themselues about -me, euery euill at once plagues me. For my contempt -of God, I am contemned of men: for my -swearing and forswearing, no man will beleeue me: -for my gluttony, I suffer hunger: for my drunkennesse, -thirst: for my adulterie, vlcerous sores. Thus -God hath cast me downe, that I might be humbled: -and punished me for example of others sinne: and -although he suffers me in this world to perish without -succour, yet trust I in the world to come to finde -mercie, by the merits of my Sauiour, to whome I -commend this, and commit my soule. - -_Thy repentant husband for his disloyaltie._ - -_Robert Greene._ - - -_Faelicem fuisse infaustum._ - - -FINIS - - - - -V., VI.--GABRIEL HARVEY AND THOMAS NASH - - -(_Characters of Gabriel Harvey and accounts of his -quarrel with the Marlowe group, and Nash in particular, -will be found in all histories of Elizabethan -literature, and also elsewhere. The war of pamphlets -between Harvey and Nash was a very furious word-battle, -and its two chief monuments_, Pierce's Supererogation -_and_ Have with you to Saffron Walden, _are as -choice examples of scurrility as can easily be found. -But both are very long, and as I have set my heart -on giving whole pamphlets, I have preferred Harvey's_ -Precursor _and Nash's_ Prognostication. _The former is -a sort of pilot engine to_ Pierce's Supererogation, _published -first before and then with the longer piece, and -for all its brevity intensely characteristic of Harvey--the -incarnation of the donnishness of his time, and -also of a certain side of the Elizabethan man of letters -generally. The latter, though evidently composed in -direct imitation of Rabelais, of whom Nash was certainly -a reader, was indirectly an attack on the Harveys, -one of whom, Gabriel's brother Richard, was a great -astrologer._) - - - - -Pierces Supererogation - -OR - -A NEW PRAYSE OF THE - -OLD ASSE. - - -_A Preparatiue to certaine larger Discourses, intituled_ - -NASHES S. FAME. - - Gabriell Haruey. - - -_Il vostro Malignare Non Giova Nvlla._ - - -LONDON - -Imprinted by Iohn Wolfe. - -1593 - - - - - -_To my very gentle and liberall frendes, M. Barnabe -Barnes, M. Iohn Thorius, M. Antony Chewt, and -euery fauorable Reader._ - - -Louing M. Barnabe, M. Iohn, and M. Antony (for -the rest of my partiall C[=o]menders must pardon me, -till the Print be better acquainted with their names), -I haue lately receiued your thrise-curteous Letters, -with the Ouerplus of your thrise-sweet Sonets annexed: -the liberallest giftes, I beleeue, that euer you bestowed -vpon so slight occasion, and the very prodigallest -fruites of your floorishing wittes. Whose onely default -is, not your, but my default, that the matter is nothing -correspondent to the manner; and miselfe must either -grosely forget miselfe, or franckly acknowledge mi -simple selfe an vnworthy subiect of so worthy commendations. -Which I cannot read without blushing, -repeate without shame, or remember without griefe, -that I come so exceeding-short in so excessiue great -accountes; the summes of your rich largesse, not of -my poore desert; and percase deuised to aduertise me -what I should be, or to signifie what you wish [me] -to be; not to declare what I am, or to insinuate what -I may be. Eloquence, and Curtesie were euer bountifull -in the amplifying veine: and it hath bene reputed -a frendly Pollicy, to encourage their louing acquaintance -to labour the attainement of those perfections, -which they blason in them, as already atcheiued. -Either some such intention you haue, by / way of -Stratageme, to awaken my negligence, or enkindle -my confidence; or you are disposed by way of Ciuility, -to make me vnreasonably beholding vnto you for your -extreme affection. Which I must either leaue vnrequited; -or recompense affection with affection, & -recommende me vnto you with your owne Stratageme, -fitter to animate fresher spirites, or to whet finer edges. -Little other vse can I, or the world reape of those -great-great commendations, wherewith you, and diuers -other Orient wittes haue newly surcharged me, by -tendring so many kinde Apologies in my behalfe, and -presenting so many sharpe inuectiues against my -aduersaries: vnlesse also you purposed to make me -notably ashamed of my c[=o]fessed insufficiency, guilty -of so manifold imperfecti[=o]s, in respect of the least -semblance of those imputed singularities. Whatsoeuer -your intendment in an ouerflowing affection was, I -am none of those, that greedily surfet of selfe-conceit, -or sottishly hugge their owne babyes. _Narcissus_ was -a fayre boy, but a boy: _Suffenus_ a noble braggard, -but a braggard: _Nestor_ a sweet-tongued old-man, but -an Old-man: and _Tully_ (whom I honour in his -vertues, and excuse in his ouersightes) an eloquent -Selfe-loouer, but a Selfe-loouer. He that thought to -make himselfe famous with his ouerweening and -brauing _Il'e, Il'e, Il'e_, might perhaps nourrish an -aspiring imagination to imitate his _Ego, Ego, Ego_, so -gloriously reiterated in his gallant Orations. Some -smirking minions are fine fellowes in their owne -heades, and some cranke Princockes iolly men in -their owne humours: as desperate in resolution, as -the dowtiest ranke of Errant knightes; and as coye -in phantasie, as the nicest sort of simpring damosels, -that in their owne glasses find no creature so bewtifull, -or amiable, as their delitious selues. I haue beheld, -/ & who hath not seene some lofty conceites, towring -very high, & coying themselues sweetly on their owne -amounting winges, young feathers of old Icarus? -The gay Peacocke is woondrously inamored vpon -the glittering fanne of his owne gorgious taile, and -weeneth himselfe worthy to be crowned the Prince of -byrdes, and to be enthronished in the chaire of -supreme excellency. Would Christ, the greene Popiniay, -with his newfangled iestes, as new as Newgate, -were not asmuch to say, as his owne Idol. Queint -wittes must haue a Priuiledge to prank-vp their dainty -limmes, & to fawne vpon their owne tricksie deuises. -But they that vnpartially know themselues, seuerely -examine their owne abilities; vprightly counterpoise -defectes with sufficiencies; frankly confesse the -greatest part of their knowledge to be the least part -of their ignorance; aduisedly weigh the difficulties of -the painfull and toylesome way, the hard maintenance -of credit easely gotten, the impossible satisfaction of -vnsatisfiable expectation, the vncertaine ficklenesse -of priuate Phantasie, & the certaine brittlenesse of -publique Fame; are not lightly bewitched with a -fonde doting vpon their owne plumes. And they -that deepely consider vpon the weakenesse of inward -frailty, the casualtie of outward fortune, the detraction -of Enuie, the virulency of Malice, the counter-pollicy -of Ambition, and a hundred-hundred empeachments -of growing reputation: that aswell diuinely, as philosophically -haue learned to looue the gentlenesse of -Humanity, to embrace the mildnesse of Modestie, to -kisse the meekenesse of Humilitie, to loath the odiousnesse -of Pride, to assuage the egreness of Spite, to -preuent the vengeance of Hatred, to reape the sweet -fruites of Temperance, to tread the smooth Path of -Securitie, to take the firme course of Assuraunce, / and -to enioy the felicitie of Contentment: that iudiciously -haue framed themselues to carry Mindes, like their -Bodies, and Fortunes, as apperteineth vnto them, that -would be loth to ouerreach in presumptuous conceit: -they I say, and all they that would rather vnderly the -reproche of obscuritie, then ouercharge their mediocritie -with an illusiue opinion of extraordinary furniture, -and I wott not what imaginarie complementes: -are readier, and a thousand times readier, to returne -the greatest Prayses, where they are debt, then to -accept the meanest, where they are almes. And I -could nominate some, that in effect make the same -reckoning of Letters, Sonets, Orations, or other -writinges commendatory, that they do of meate without -nourishment, of hearbes without vertue, of plants -without fruite; of a lampe without oyle, a linke without -light, or a fier without heate. Onely some of vs -are not so deuoide of good manner, but we conceiue -what belongeth to ciuill duty, and will euer be prest -to interteine Curtesie with curtesie, & to requite any -frendship with frendship: vnfainedly desirous, rather -to recompense in deedes, then to glose, or paint in -wordes. You may easely persuade me to publish, -that was long sithence finished in writing, and is now -almost dispatched in Print: (the amendes must be -addressed in some other more materiall Treatise, or -more formal Discourse: and haply _Nashes S. Fame_ -may supply some defectes of Pierces Supererogation:) -but to suffer your thrise-affectionate Letters and Sonets, -or rather your thrise lauish beneuolences to be published, -which so farre surmount not onely the mediocrity -of my present endeuour, but euen the possibility of -any my future emproouement; I could not be persuaded -by any eloquence, or importunacy in the -world, were I not as monstrously / reuiled by some -other without reason, as I am excessively extolled by -you without cause. In which case he may seeme to -a discreet enemy excusable, to an indifferent frend -iustifiable, that is not transported with his owne -passion, but relyeth on the iudgement of the learnedest, -and referreth himselfe to the Practise of the wisest. -In the one, esteeming _Plutarch_ or _Homer_ as an hundred -Autors: in the other, valuing _Cato_, or _Scipio_, as -a thousand Examples. I neuer read, or heard of any -respectiue, or considerate person, vnder the degree of -those that might reuenge at pleasure, contemne with -autority, assecure themselues from common obloquy, or -commande publique reputation (mighty men may finde -it a Pollicy, to take a singular, or extraordinary course), -so carelesse of his owne credit, so recklesse of the -present time, so senselesse of the posterity, so negligent -in occurents of consequence, so dissolute in his proceedings, -so prodigall of his name, so deuoide of all -regarde, so bereft of common sense, so vilely base, or -so hugely hawtie of minde; that in case of infamous -imputation, or vnworthy reproch, notoriously scattered-abroad, -thought it not requisite, or rather necessary, -to stand vpon his owne defence according to Equity, -and euen to labour his owne commendation according -to the presented occasion. Discourses yeeld plenty -of Reasons: and Histories affourde store of Examples. -It is no vain-glory to permit with consideration, that -abused Modesty hath affected with discretion. It is -vanity to controwle, that true honour hath practised: -and folly to condemne, that right wisedome hath -allowed. If any dislike Immodesty indeede, despise -vanity indeede, reprooue Arrogancy indeede, or loath -Vainglory indeede; I am as forward with Tongue and -Hart as the foremost of the forwardest: and were / my -pen answerable, perhaps at occasion it should not greatly -lagge behinde. To accomplish, or aduaunce any vertuous -purpose (sith it is now enforced to be sturring), it -might easely be entreated, euen to the vttermost extent -of that little-little Possibility, wherewith it hath pleased -the Greatest to endowe it. Howbeit Curtesie is as -ready to ouerloade with prayse as Malice eger to ouerthrow -with reproch. Both ouershoote, as the manner -is; but malice is the Diuell. For my poore part, I -hope the One shall do me as little harme as fayre -weather in my iorney: I am suer, the other hath done -me more good, then was intended, and shall neuer -puddle or annoy the course of the cleere running -water. Albeit I haue studied much, and learned -little: yet I haue learned to gleane some handfulls of -corne out-of the rankest cockle: to make choice of -the most fragrant flowers of _Humanitie_, the most -vertuous hearbes of _Philosophie_, the most soueraine -fruites of _Gouernment_, and the most heauenly manna -of _Diuinitie_: to be acquainted with the fayrest, prouided -for the fowlest, delighted with the temperatest, -pleased with the meanest, and contented with all -_weather_. Greater men may professe, and can atchieue -greater matters: I thanke God I know the l[=e]gth, that -is, the shortnes of mine owne foote. If it be any mans -pleasure to extenuate my suffici[=e]cy in other knowledge, -or practise, to empeach my ability in wordes, or -deedes, to debase my fortune, to abridge my commendations, -or to annihilate my fame, he shall finde -a cold aduersary of him that hath layed hoat passions -awatering, and might easely be induced to be the -Inuectiue of his owne Non-proficiency. Onely he -craueth leaue to estimate his credit, and to value his -honesty, as behooueth euery man, that regardeth any -good: and if withall it be his / vnfained request, that -Order should repeale disorder; moderation restraine -licentiousnesse; discretion abandon vanity; mildnesse -assuage choller; meeknesse alay arrogancy; consideration -reclaime rashnesse; indifferency attemper passion; -Curtesie mitigate, Charity appease, & Vnity attone -debate: pardon him. Or, in case nothing will preuaile -with fury but fury, and nothing can winne desired -amity but pretended hostility, that must driue-out -one naile with another, & beat-away one wedge with -another, according to the Latin Prouerbe: Pardon -him also, that in the resolution of a good minde, will -commaund, what he cannot entreat; and extort, what -he cannot persuade. That little may be done with -no great adoo: and, seeing it may as surely, as easely -be done, I am humbly to beseech established Wisedome, -to winke at one experiment of aduenturous -Folly; neuer before embarked in any such acti[=o], and -euer to eschewe the like with a chary regard, where -any other mediation may purchase redresse. I will -not vrge what conniuence hath been noted in as disfauorable -cases: it is sufficient for me to pleade mine -own acquittall. Other prayse he affecteth not, that -in a deepe insight into his innermost partes findeth -not the highest pitch of his Hope equiualent to the -lowest pit of your commendation. And if by a gentle -construction, or a fauorous encouragement, he seemeth -any thing in others opinion, that is nothing in his -owne Censure, the lesser his merite, the greater their -mercy; and the barrainer his desert, the frutefuller -your liberality. Whose vnmeasurable prayses I am -to interpret, not as they may seeme in some bounteous -conceit, but as they are in mine owne knowledge; -good wordes, but vnfitly applied; frendly beneuolences, -but wastfully bestowed; gallant amplifications, -but slenderly deser/ued: what but termes of Ciuility, -or fauours of Curtesie, or hyperboles of Looue: whose -franke allowance I shall not be able to earne with the -study of twenty yeares more: in briefe, nothing but -partiall witnesses, preiudicate iudgements, idle preambles, -and in effect meere wordes. And euen so as -I found them, I leaue them. Yet let me not dismisse -so extensiue curtesie with an empty hand. Whatsoeuer -I am (that am the least little of my thoughtes, -and the greatest contempt of mine owne hart), _Parthenophill_ -and _Parthenophe_ embellished, the _Spanish -Counsellour_ Inglished, and _Shores Wife_ eternised; -shall euerlastingly testifie what you are: go forward -in maturity, as ye haue begun in pregnancy, and -behold _Parthenopoeus_ the sonne of the braue Meleager, -_Homer_ himselfe, and of the swift Atalanta _Calliope_ -herselfe: be thou, Barnabe, the gallant Poet, like -Spencer, or the valiant souldiour, like Baskeruile; -and euer remember thy _French seruice_ vnder the braue -Earl of Essex. Be thou, Iohn, the many-tongued -Linguist, like Andrewes, or the curious Intelligencer, -like Bodley; and neuer forget _thy Netherlandish traine_ -vnder Him, that taught the Prince of Nauarre, now -the valorous king of Fraunce. Be thou Antony, the -flowing Oratour, like Dooue, or the skilfull Heralde, -like Clarentius; and euer remember _thy Portugall -voyage_ vnder Don Antonio. The beginning of vertuous -Proceedings is the one halfe of honorable actions. -Be yourselues in hope, and what yourselues desire in -effect: and I haue attained some portion of my -request. For you cannot wish so exceeding-well vnto -me, but I am as ready with tongue, and minde, to -wish a great-deale better vnto you, and to reacquite -you with a large vsury of most-affectionate prayers, -recommending you to the diuine giftes and gratious -blessings of Heauen. - -May / it please the fauorable Reader, to voutsafe -me the Curtesie of his Patience, vntill he hath -thoroughly perused the whole Discourse at his howers -of leysure (for such scriblings are hardly worth the -vacantest howers): I am not to importune him any -farther; but would be glad he might finde the -Whole lesse tedious in the end, then some Parts in -the beginning, or midst; or, at-least, that one peece -might helpe to furnish-out amendes for an other. -And so taking my leaue with the kindest Farewell of -a most thankfull minde, I desist from wearying him -with a tedious Preface, whom I am likely to tire with -so many superfluous Discourses. Howbeit might it -happely please the sweetest Intercessour to ensweeten -the bitterest gall of Spite, and to encalme the roughest -tempest of Rage, I could cordially wish that _Nashes -S. Fame_ might be the Period of my Inuectiues: and -_the excellent Gentlewoman_, my patronesse, or rather -Championesse in this quarrel, is meeter by nature, -and fitter by nurture, to be an enchaunting Angell, -with her white quill, then a tormenting Fury with her -blacke inke. It remaineth at the election of one, -whom God indue with more discretion. - -At London: this 16. of July, 1593. The inuiolable -frend of his entire frendes, Gabriell Haruey. / - - - _Her owne Prologue, or Demurr._ - - O Muses, may a wooman poore, and blinde, - A Lyon-draggon, or a Bull-beare binde? - Ist possible for puling wench to tame - _The furibundall Champion of Fame?_ - He brandisheth the whurlewinde in his mouth, - And thunderbolteth so-confounding shott: - Where such a Bombard-goblin, North, or South, - With drad Pen-powder, and the conquerous pott? - Silly it is, that I can sing, or say: - And shall I venture such a blustrous fray? - Hazard not, panting quill, thy aspen selfe: - Hel'e murther thy conceit, and braine thy braine. - Spare me, o super domineering Elfe, - And most, _railipotent_ for euer raine, - _Si Tibi vis ipsi parcere, parce Mihi._ - - - _Her Counter-sonnet, or Correction of her owne Preamble._ - - _Scorne_ frump the meacock Verse that dares not sing, - Drouping, so like a flagging flowre in raine: - Where doth the _Vrany_ or _Fury_ ring, - That shall enfraight my stomacke with disdaine? - Shall Frend put-vp such braggardous affrontes? - Are milksop Muses such whiteliuer'd Trontes? - Shall Boy the gibbet be of Writers all, - And none hang-vp the gibbet on the wall? - If / dreery hobbling Ryme hart-broken be, - And quake for dread of Danters scarecrow Presse: - Shrew Prose, thy pluckcrow implements addresse, - And pay the hangman pen his double fee. - Be Spite a Sprite, a Termagant, a Bugg: - Truth feares no ruth, and can the Great Diu'll tugg. - ----_Ultrix accincta flagello._ - - - _Her old Comedy, newly intituled._ - - My Prose is resolute, as Beuis sworde: - _March rampant beast in formidable hide:_ - _Supererogation Squire on cockhorse ride:_ - Zeale shapes an aunswer to the blouddiest worde. - If nothing can _the booted Souldiour_ tame, - Nor Ryme, nor Prose, nor Honesty, nor Shame, - But _Swash_ will still his trompery aduaunce, - Il'e leade the _gagtooth'd fopp_ a new-founde daunce. - Deare howers were euer cheape to pidling me: - I knew a glorious, and brauing Knight, - That would be deem'd a truculentall wight: - Of him I scrauld a dowty Comedy. - _Sir Bombarduccio_ was his cruell name: - But _Gnasharduccio_ the sole brute of _Fame_. - - - _L'Enuoy._ - - See, how He brayes, and fumes at me poore lasse, - That must immortalise the killcowe _Asse_. / - - -_To the Right Worshipfvll, his especiall deare frend, -M. Gabriell Haruey, Doctour of Lawe._ - -Sweet M. Doctour Haruey (for I cannot intitule -you with an Epithite of lesse value then that which -the Grecian and Roman Oratours ascribed to Theophrastus, -in respect of so many your excellent labours, -garnished with the garland of matchlesse Oratory): -if at any time either the most earnest persuasion of -a deare frend, and vnusually most deare, and constant, -adiured therevnto by the singular vertue of your most -prayse-worthy, and vnmatchable wit: or the woonderful -admiration of your peerlesse conceit, embraued with -so many gorgeous ornamentes of diuine Rhetorique: -or the doubtlesse successive benefit thereof, deuoted -to the glory of our English Eloquence, and our vulgar -Tuscanisme (if I may so terme it); may worke any -plausible or respectiue motions with you to bewtifie, -and enrich our age, with those most praise-moouing -workes, full of gallantest discourse, and reason, which -I vnderstand by some assured intelligence be now -glowing vpon the anvile, ready to receiue the right -artificiall forme of diuinest workem[=a]ship: th[=e] let I -beseech you, nay, by all our mutuall frendships I -coniure you (loue and admiration of them arming me -with the placarde of farther confidence) those, and -other your incomparable writings, speedily, or rather -pre/sently, shew th[=e]selues in the shining light of the -Sunne. That, by this Publication of so rare, & rich -Discourses, our English Rauens, the spitefull enemyes -to all birdes of more bewtifull wing, and more harmonious -note then themselues, may shroude themselues -in their nests of basest obscurity, & keepe -hospitality with battes, and owles, fit consorts for -such vile carions. Good Sir, arise, and confound -those Viperous Cryticall monsters, and those prophane -Atheistes of our Commonwealth; which endeuour with -their mutinous and Serpentine hissing, like geese, not -to arme the Senatours and Oratours of Rome, but to -daunt, astonish, and, if it were possible, to ouerthrow -them. And sithence the very thunder-lightning of -your admirable Eloquence is suffici[=e]tly auailable to -strike them with a lame Palsie of tongue (if they be -not already smitten with a sencelesse Apoplexy in -head, which may easely ensewe such contagious -Catharres and Reumes, as I am priuy some of them -haue been grieuously disseased withall), misse not, -but hitt them seurly home, as they deserue with -Supererogation. You haue bene reputed euermore, -since first I heard of you in Oxford and elsewhere, -to haue bene as much giuen to fauour, commende, -and frequent such as were approoued, or toward in -learning, witt, kinde behauiour, or any good quality, -as may be required in any man of your demerit: an -vndoubted signe, how much you loath Inuectiues or -any needeles cont[=e]tions. I would (as many your -affectionate fr[=e]ds would) it had bene your fortune to -haue encountred some other Paranymphes, then such -as you are now to discipline: most vnwillingly, I -perceiue, but most necessarily, & not without especiall -consideration, being so manifestly vrged, and grosely -prouoked to defend yourselfe. But you haue ere now -bene acquainted / with patience perforce: and I hope -the most desperate swasher of them will one day -learne to shew himself honester or wiser. And thus -recommending your sweete endeuours, with your -grauer studies, to the highest treasury of heauenly -Muses; I right hartely take my leaue with a Sonnet -of that Muse, that honoreth the Vrany of du Bartas, -and yourselfe: of du Bartas elsewhere; here of him, -whose excellent Pages of the French King, the Scottish -King, the braue Monsieur de la Noee, the aforesayd -Lord du Bartas, Sir Philip Sidney, and sundry -other worthy personages, deserue immortall commendation. -I thanke him very hartely that imparted vnto -me those fewe sheetes: and if all be like them, truly -all is passing notable, and right singular. - - -SONNET. - - Those learned _Oratours_, Roomes auncient sages, - Persuasions Pith, directours of affection, - The mindes chief counsail, rhetoriques perfection, - The pleasaunt baulms of peace, warres fierce outrages: - Sweet Grecian _Prophets_, whose smooth Muse assuages - The Furies powerfull wrath, poisons infection: - _Philosophers_ (by Causes due connexion, - Match't with th' Effects of Nature) future ages - Embrauing with rich documents of Art: / - The wisest _States-men_ of calme Commonweales: - The learned _Generall Councels_, which impart - Diuinest laws, whose wholesome Physique Heales - Both Church, and Layety: All in _one_ beholde - Ennobled Arts, as Precious stones in golde. - -From my lodging in Holborne: this of June. -1593. Your most affectionate, - -_Barnabe Barnes._ - -Hauing perused my former Sonet, if it may please -you, Sir, to do asmuch for your deare frends _Parthenophill_, -and _Parthenophe_, they shall haue the desired -fruite of their short exercise, and will rest beholding -to your curteous acceptance: which they would be -glad to reacquite in the loouingest manner they may. -And so most affectionatly recommend themselues -vnto your good self: whose vnblemished fame they -will euermore maintaine with the best bloud of their -hartes, tongues, and Pennes. We will not say, how -much we long to see the whole Prayses of your two -notorious enemyes, the _Asse_ and the _Foxe_. - - -SONET. - -Nash, _or the confuting Gentleman_. - - The Muses scorne; the Courtiers laughing-stock; - The Countreys Coxecombe; Printers proper new; - The Citties Leprosie; the Pandars stew; - Vertues disdayne; honesties aduerse rock; - Enuies vile champion; slaunders stumblingblock. - Graund / Oratour of Cunny-catchers crew; - Base broaching tapster of reports vntrue; - Our moderne Viper, and our Countryes mock; - True Valors Cancer-worme, sweet Learnings rust. - Where shall I finde meete colours, and fit wordes, - For such a counterfaict, and worthlesse matter? - Him, whom thou raylest on at thine owne lust, - Sith _Bodine_ and sweet _Sidney_ did not flatter, - His Inuectiue thee too much grace affordes. - - _Parthenophil._ - - -SONET. - - Haruey, _or the sweet Doctour_. - - _Sidney_, sweet Cignet, pride of Thamesis; - Apollos laurell; Mars-his proud prowesse: - _Bodine_, register of Realmes happinesse, - Which Italyes, and Fraunces wonder is: - _Hatcher_, with silence whom I may not misse: - Nor _Lewen_, Rhetoriques richest noblesse: - Nor _Wilson_, whose discretion did redresse - Our English Barbarisme: adioyne to this - Diuinest morall _Spencer_: let these speake - By their sweet Letters, which do best vnfould - _Harueys_ deserued praise: since my Muse weake - Cannot relate somuch as hath bene tould - By these _Fornam'd_: then, vaine as it were to bring - New feather to his Fames swift-feathered wing. - - _Parthenophe._ - - -_The Printers Aduertissement to the Gentleman Reader_. - -CURTEOUS Gentlemen, it seemed good to M. Doctour -Haruey, for breuity-sake, and because he liked -not ouer-long Preambles, or Postambles, to short discourses, -to omit the commendatorie Letters, and -Sonnets of M. Thorius, M. Chewt, and diuers other -his affectionate frendes of London, and both the -Vniuersities. Which neuerthelesse, are reserued to -be prefixed, inserted, or annexed, either in his _defensiue -Letters_, enlarged with certaine new Epistles of more -speciall note; or in his _Discourses of Nashes S. Fame_, -already finished, & presently to be published, as these -shall like their interteinement: of whose fauorable & -plausible Welcome, diuers learned and fine wittes -haue presumed the best. Howbeit finally it was -thought not amisse, vpon conference with some his -aduised acquaintance, to make choice of some two or -three of the reasonablest, and temperatest Sonnets -(but for variety, & to auoyde tediousnesse in the -entrance, rather to be annexed in the end, then prefixed -in the beginning of the present Discourses): -one of the foresayd M. Thorius, an other of M. -Chewt, and the third of a learned French gentleman, -Monsieur Fregeuill Gautius, who hath published some -weighty Treatises, aswell Politique as Religious, both -in Latin and French; and hath acquainted M. Doctour -Haruey with certaine most profitable Mathematicall -deuises of his own inuention. The residue is not -added by me, but annexed by the Autor himselfe: -whom I humbly recommende to your curteous Censure, -and so rest from ouertroubling you with my -unpolished lines. - - - - A Wonderfull - - _strange and miraculous, Astro-_ - logicall Prognostication for - this yeer of our Lord God. - 1591. - - Discouering such wonders to - _happen this yeere, as neuer chaunced_ - since Noes floud. - - _Wherein if there be found one lye_, - the Author will loose his credit - for euer. - - By Adam Fouleweather, Student - in Asse-tronomy. - - Imprinted at London by _Thomas_ - Scarlet. - - (1591.) - - -_To the Readers health._ - -SITTING Gentlemen vpon Douer cliffes, to quaint -my selfe with the art of Navigation, and knowe the -course of the Tides, as the Danske Crowes gather on -the Sandes against a storme: so there appeared on -the downs such a flock of knaues, that, by Astrological -coniectures, I began to gather that this yeere -would proue intemperate by an extreme heat in -S[=o]mer, insomuch that the stones in Cheap side -should be so hot, that diuers persons should feare to -goe from Poules to the Counter in the Poultrye: -whereupon I betook me to my Ephimerides, and -erecting a figure, haue found such strange accidents -to fall out this yeere, Mercury being Lord and predominate -in the house of Fortune, that many fooles -shall haue full cofers, and wise men walke vp and -downe with empty pursses: that if Iupiter were not -ioyned with him in a fauourable aspect, the Butchers / -of East-cheape should doo little or nothing all Lent -but make prickes: seeing therefore the wonders that -are like to fall out this present yeere, I haue for the -benefit of my Countrymen taken in hand to make -this Prognostication, discoursing breefelye of the -Eclipses both of Sunne and Moone, with their -dangerous effectes like to followe, which if God -preuent not, many poore men are like to fast on -Sondaies for want of food, and such as haue no -shooes to goe barefoot, if certaine deuout Coblers -proue not the more curteous: but yet Astrologie is -not so certaine but it may fayle: and therfore diuers -Hostesses shall chaulke more this yeere then their -Guests wil wipe out: So that I conclude, whatsoeuer -is saide by art. _Sapiens dominabitur astris._ - -Your freend and Student in Asse-trologie. - -_Adam Fouleweather._ / - - -_Of the Eclipses that shall happen this present yeere, to -the great and fearfull terrifying of the beholders._ - -IF _we may credit_ the authenticall censures of -Albumazan and Ptolomey, about the motions of -celestiall bodies, whose influence dooth exitat and -procure continuall mutability in the lower region: we -shal finde y^t the Moon this yeere shall be eclipsed, -which shall happen in one of y^e 12 moneths, & some -of the foure / quarters of the yeere, whose pointes -as they shall be totallye darkened, so the effectes shall -be wondrous and strange. For Cancer being the -sole house of the Moone, dooth presage that this -yeere fruits shall be greatly eaten with Catterpillers: -as Brokers, Farmers, and Flatterers, which feeding -on the sweate of other mens browes, shall greatlye -hinder the beautye of the spring, and disparage the -growth of all hottest hearbes, vnlesse some northerly -winde of Gods veng[=a]ce cleere the trees of such -Catterpillers, with a hotte plague and the pestilence: -but Cancer being a watrie signe and cheefe gouernour -of flouds and streams, it foresheweth that Fishmongers -if they be not well lookt to, shall goe downe -as farre as Graues end in Wherries and forestall the -market, to the great preiudice of the poore, that all -Lent ground their fare on the benefit of Salte fishe -and red herring: besides it signifieth that Brewers -shal make hauocke of Theames water, and put more -liquour then they were accustomed amongst their -Maulte: to the ouerthrowe of certain crased Ale -knights, whose morning draughtes of strong Beere is -a great staye to their stomacks: a lamentable case if -it be not lookt into and preuented by some speedye -supplication to the woorshipfull order of ale cunners. / -But in this we haue great hope that because the -effects cannot surprise the cause, diuers Tapsters -shall trust out more then they can get in: and -although they fill their Pots but halfe full, yet for -want of true dealing die in the Brewers debt. - -Thus much for the watry signe of Cancer, and -because this Eclipse is little visible in our horison, I -passe it ouer with this prouiso to all seafaring men, -to cary more shirts then one with them a ship boord, -lest to their great labor they spend many houres in -murthering their vermin on the hatches. - - -_The Eclipse of the Sunne._ - -THE Eclipse of the Sun according to Proclus -opinion is like to produce many hot and pestilent -infirmities, especiallie amongst Sumners and Petti-foggers, -whose faces being combust with many fiery -inflamatiues shall shew y^e dearth, that by their deuout -drinking is like to ensue of Barly, if violent death -take not away such c[=o]suming mault worms: diuers -are like to be troubled with such hotte rewmes in -their heads, that their haire shall fall off: and such -hot agues shall raigne this yeere, with strange feuers -and calamaties, that / if the Sunne were not placed in -a colde signe, Renish wine would rise to ten pence a -quarte before the latter end of August: but diuers -good Planets being retrog[r]ade, foretelleth that -Lemmans this yeere shalbe plenty, insomuch that -many shall vse them to bedward, for the quallifying -of their hot and inflamed stomackes. And Mars -being placed neere vnto the Sunne sheweth that there -shalbe a great death among people: olde women that -can liue no longer shall dye for age: and yong men -that haue Vsurers to their father, shal this yeer haue -great cause to laugh, for the Deuill hath made a -decree, that after they are once in hell, they shall -neuer rise againe to trouble their executors: Beside -that by all coniecturall argumentes the influence of -Mars shall be so violent, that diuers souldiers in -partes beyond the seas, shall fall out for want of their -paye, and heere in our meridionall clyme, great -quarrelles shall be raised between man and man, -especially in cases of Law: gentry shall goe check-mate -with Iustice, and coyne out countenance oft-times -equitie: the poore sitting on pennylesse benche, -shall sell their Coates to striue for a strawe, and -Lawyers laugh such fooles to scorne as cannot keep -their crownes in their pursses. - -Further, there is like to be great falling out -amongst / Church men and certaine fond sects of -religion like to trouble the commons: selfe conceipters -and ouer holy counterfeites that delight in singularitie, -shall rise vp and despise authoritie, presuming euen -to abuse the higher powers, if Saturne with a frowning -influence, did not threaten them with Tibornes -consequence. But whereas the Sun is darkned but -by digits, and that vpon y^e south points, it presageth -great miseries to Spain and those Southerly -Countries: Friers and Monks shal heat them so this -yeer with confessing of Harlots, that their crownes -shall wax balde of the one accord, to the great -impouerishing of the Spanish Barbers: Surgeons in -Spain shall wax rich, and their Hospitals poore: -such a pestilent mortallitie is like to fall amongst -those hipocriticall massemongers. The Dukes, -Marquesses & Counties shall haue their dublets -closed with such Spanish buttons, that they shal -neuer proue good quiresters, for the hotte and inflamed -rewmes fallen down into their throats: It is -further to be feared, that because the Eclipse hapneth -in Iulye, there will through the extrem heat grow -such abund[=a]ce of Fleas, that women shall not goe -to bed before twelue a clocke at night, for the great -murthers and stratagems they are like to commit -vpon those little animalls. - -And whereas this Eclipse falleth out at three of -the clocke in the afternoone, it foresheweth that -manye shall goe soberer into Tauernes then they -shall come out: and that he which drinkes hard -and lyes cold, shal neuer dye of the sweate, although -Gemini combust and retrog[r]ade, sheweth that some -shall haue so sore a sweating, that they may sell their -haire by the pound to stuffe Tennice balles: but if -the Beadelles of Bridewell be carefull this Summer, -it may be hoped that Peticote lane may be lesse -pestered with ill aires then it was woont: and the -houses there so cleere clensed, that honest women -may dwell there without any dread of the whip and -the carte: and I finde that the altitude of that place -and of Shordich are all one eleuated, and 2 degrees, -and vnder the zenith or verticall point of Venus, -which presageth that sundry sorts of men and women -shall be there resident: some shalbe so short heeld -& so quesie stomackt that they shal ly in their -beds while noon, by which means they shal grow so -ful of grosse humors, that they shalbe troubled with -strange timpanies & swellings in their bellies, vncurable -for fortye weekes vntill they be helped by the -aduice of some skilfull Midwife. - -Besides, other of the same sex and faction, / shall -learn to cosin young nouices, and fetch in young -Gentlemen, to the great ouerthrow of youth, if some -sharpe and speedye redresse be not fetcht from the -woorshipfull Colledge of the Phisitians in the parrish -of S. Brides. But heere by the waye gentle Reader, -note that this Eclipse sheweth, that this yeer shall -be some strange birthes of Children produced in -some monstrous forme, to the greefe of the Parentes, -and fearefull spectackle of the beholders: but because -the Eclipse chaunseth Southerlye, it is little to be -feared that the effectes shall fail in England: yet -somewhat it is to bee doubted, that diuers Children -shall be borne, that when they come to age shall not -knowe their owne Fathers: others shall haue their -fingers of [t]he nature of Lyme twigges, to get most -parte of their liuing with fiue and a reache: some -shall be born with feet like vnto Hares, that they -shal run so swift, that they shall neuer tarry with -maister, but trudge from poste to piller, till they take -vp beggars bush for their lodging: Others shall haue -Noses like Swine, that there shall not be a feast -within a myle, but they shall smell it out: But -especiallye it is to be doubted, that diuers women -this yeere shall bee borne with two tungs, to the -terrible greefe of such as shall marry them, vttering / -in their furye such rough cast eloquence, that knaue -and slaue shalbe but holyday woords to their -husbands. And whereas this fearefull Eclipse dooth -continue but an houre and a halfe, it signifieth that -this yeere womens loue to their husbands shall be -very shorte, some so momentarye, that it shall scarce -continue from the Church doore to the wedding -house: and that Hennes, Capons, Geese, and other -pullin shall little haunt poore mens tables, but flye -awaye with spittes in their bellies to fatte Churlles -houses, that pamper themselues vp with delicates -and dainties: although very fewe other effectes are to -be prognosticated, yet let me giue this caueat to my -Countrymen, as a clause to this wonderfull Eclipse. -Let such as haue clothes enow, keep themselues -warme from taking of colde: and I would wishe rich -men all this winter to sit by a good fire, and hardlye -to goe to bed without a Cuppe of Sack, and that so -qualified with Suger, that they proue not rewmatick: -let them feede daintilye and take ease enough, and -no doubt according to the iudgement of Albumazar, -they are like to liue as long as they can, and not to -dye one hower before their time. - -Thus much for this strange Eclipse of the Sunne. - - -_Of / the second Eclipse of the Moone, which is like to -fall out when it chaunseth either before the_ 31. _of -December or els not at all, this present yeere._ 1591. - -The second Eclipse of the Moon shalbe but little -seene in England, wherevpon the effectes shall be -nothing preiuditiall to our clyme: yet as the bodye -of the Moone is neuer obscure in part or in whole, -but some dangerous euents doo followe: so I meane -to set downe breefely what is to be lookte for in these -westerne partes of the worlde. - -First therefore it is to bee feared, that the Danes -shall this yeere bee greatly giuen to drincke, insomuch -that English Beere shall there be woorth fiue -pence a stoape, that their Hoffes and tappe houses -shall be more frequented then the Parishe Churches, -and many shall haue more Spruce Beere in their -bellies, then wit in their heads: wherevpon shall / -growe Apoplexies and colde palsies in their legges, -that they shall diuers times not bee able to stand on -their feete. Vpon this shall growe great commoditye -to the Potters and Glasse makers, for it is like there -shall be a great ouerthrowe of them, if there bee -not some act made for drinking in blacke Jackes. -But if the weather prooue seasonable, and the -Haruest great, and the Barnes full of Corne: Rye is -like to be cheap in Denmarke, and bread to be of -a reasonable size, for the releeuing of the poore. -Mar[r]y, Fraunce is like to haue a great dearth of honest -men, if the king preuaile not against these mutenous -Rebelles of the League, and Papists in diuers places -to be plentye, if God or the King rout them not out -with a sharpe ouerthrow: But this hope we haue -against that rascall rabble of those shauelings, that -there was found in an olde booke this Prophecie -spoken about Jerusalem long since by a Jew: The -tree that God hath not planted shall be pulled vp by -the roots: some curious Astronomers of late dayes -that are more Propheticall than Juditiall, affirme that -Martin the kill-hog for his deuout drincking (by the -Pope canonized a Saint) shall rise againe in the -apparell of a Minister, and tickle some of the baser -sorte with such lusty humors in their braines, that / -diuers selfe conceited fooles shal become his disciples, -and grounding their witlesse opinion on an heriticall -foundation, shall seeke to ruinate authoritie, and peruert -all good orders established in the Church, to the -great preiudice of vnity and religion, tituling th[=e]selues -by the names of Martinistes, as the Donatists grew -from Donates: were it not that the Moone being in -Taurus, which gouernes the neck and throat, shewes -that the Squinancie shall raigne amongst them, and -diuers for want of breath dye of the strangling. Now -for that Capricornus is a signe wherein Luna is -often resident, it prognosticateth a great death -amongst hornde beasts. The Butchers shall commit -wilfull murther vpon Sheepe and Oxen, and diuers -Keepers kill store of Buckes, and reserue no other -fees to their selues but the hornes, insomuche that -if the Person of Horne-Church in Essex take not -heede, there maye hap to prooue this yeere some -Cuckoldes in his Parrish. - -But there is like to bee concluded by an act set -downe in Grauesende Barge, that hee that wypes his -Nose and hath it not, shall forfeite his whole face, -and that all such as are iealous ouer their wiues -without cause, are worthie to bee punisht with / the -horne plague for their labour. And whereas this -Eclipse is farre from the signe Pisces, it shewes that -there shall bee much stinking fish this yere at Billings -gate, and that Quinborowe oyster boates shall ofte -times carrie knaues as wel as honest men: but let -the Fish-wiues take heed, for if most of them proue -not scoldes, yet because Pisces is a signe that -gouernes the feete, they shall weare out more shooes -in Lent then in anie two months beside through the -whole yeere, and get their liuing by walking and crying, -because they slaundered Ram alley with such a -tragical infamie. The rest I conceale as friuolous, and -little necessarie to be touched in this Prognostication. - - -_A declaration of the generall disposition of sundrie -conceited qualities incident vnto mens mindes & -natures throughout these foure quarters of the -yere, by the merrie influence of the Planets, with -some other tragicall euents and obseruations worthie -the noting, contayned vnder each seperated reuolution._ - -_And first of the inclination of the Winter quarter._ - -Winter / the first Astronomicall quarter of the yeare, -according to my vsuall account, whatsoever Ptolomie -says, beginneth sooner with poore men than with -rich, graunted so by the malignant influence of -Saturne, whose constellation is that suche as haue no -money nor credit, shall want coles & woode, and -be faine to stand and starue for colde, while olde -pennifathers sit and wast them selues by the fire. -The winter beginning at that instant when the Sunne -makes his entraunce into the first degree of Capricornus, -that Hiemall solstitiall signe shewes that by -naturall inclination this quarter is generally fleugmatike, -and that all shall be of suche great authoritie, -that the Bakers Basket shall giue the wall vnto the -Brewers Barrell, and a halfe pennye drie doe homage -vnto a halfe pennye wet. The weather and season -being so colde that diuerse for feare of the frost shall -sit all daye at Tables and Cardes, while their poore -wiues and families fast at home for their follies. -And in respect that I finde three of the seauen -Planetes to be in waterie signes as Juppiter, Mars, -and the Moone, it signifieth that diuerse persons, -both men and women, for want of wine or strong -drinke shall goe to bedde sober against their willes. -That Sea-faring men shall haue ill lucke if / either -their shippes hit agaynst rockes or sticke in the -sandes, that there shall bee such great hoarie frostes, -that men and women shall creepe to bedde together, -and some of them lie so long till they bee fetchte out -with a Bason. Heere Saturne retrograde in Gemini, -shewes that there shall this Winter fall such great -fogs and mists, that diuerse riche men shall loose -their purses by the high waie side, and poore men be -so weather beaten by the crafte of vsurers, that they -shall begge their bread by the extremitie of such -extortion: but Mercurie and Venus beeing congregated -in Sagitarie, prognosticateth that for want of -faire weather, such as haue but one shirt shall go -woolward till that be a washing, and that water-men -that want fares shall sit and blowe their fingers till -theyr fellowes row betwixte the Old Swanne and -Westminister. And by reason that Mars that malignant -Planet, hath nothing to doe in that Hiemall -reuolution, souldiers this Winter for the most parte, -shall lie still in garrisons, and shall not be troubled -with more monie than is necessarie. Beeing also -greatly to bee feared, that through the extreame colde -diuerse poore men shall die at riche mennes doores: -pittie shall bee exiled, good woorkes trust ouer the sea -with Jacke / a lent and Hospitalitie banisht as a signe -of popish religion: and were it not that some moist -shoures shal moderate the hardnes of the frost, -Charitie should for want of house roome lie and -freeze to death in the streets: diuerse great stormes -are this yere to be feared, especially in houses where -the wiues weare the breeches, with such lowde windes, -that the women shall scolde their husbandes quight -out of doores, wherevpon is like to fall great haile-stones -as bigge as ioynd stooles, that some shall haue -their heads broken: and all through the froward -disposition of Venus. But Mars comes in and playes -the man, who beeing placed in Gemini, that gouerns -armes and shoulders, presageth that sundrie tall -fellowes shall take heart at grasse, who armed with -good cudgels, shall so lambeake these stubborne -huswiues, that the wind shall turne into another -quarter, and so the weather waxe more calme and -quiet. Such greate floudes are like to insue, -through this Hiemall distemperature, that diuerse -men shall be drowned on drie hilles, and fishe if they -could not swimme, were vtterly like to perish. -Eeles are like to bee deere if there bee few or none -taken, and plentie of poutes to bee had in all places, -especiallie in those coastes and Countries where -weomen haue / not their owne willes. Nowe Gentle -Reader in respect of diuerse particular circumstances, -drawne from the daily motions, progressions, stations, -retrogradations, aspects, and other appointmentes of -fixed and wandring stars, I am induced to set downe -that such as haue no fire, shall feele most cold, and that -wierdrawers, if they plye not their worke, shall feele no -great heate, that they in Russia shall suffer more preiudice -by the sharpenesse of Winter than the Spaniards: -and yet one thing is to bee hoped for at the handes -of Mercurie, that this winter mony shall haue a fall, for -Philip and Mary shillings that heretofore went for 12d. -shall now passe from man to man for 6d. a peece. - -The distemperance of this quarter, is like to -breede many sicknesses and sundrie diseases as well -in young as in old, proceeding either of corrupt -and vicious bloud or of superabundance of crude -and raw fleugmatike humors. As Cephala[l]gies or -paines in the head, which shall make men dizzy -that some shal stagger & stumble vp & downe the -streetes till they haue stolne a nappe to quiet their -braines. Ach in the shoulders shal raine amongest -diuerse women that haue shrewes to their husbands, -and diuerse drunken men shall be pestured with -surfets. Maidens this winter shall haue strange -stitches & gripings / of the collicke, which diseases -proceed by too much lying vpright: and men shall -be troubled with such paine in the eies, that they -shall not know their owne wiues from other women, -with coughs, rumes, and itchings, which I omit. - - -_Of the Spring time._ - -Winter being finished with the last grade of the -watry signe Pisces, at the Suns ioyful progresse into -the first degree of Aries. The second quarter of our -vsuall yere commonly called the spring c[=o]meth next, -which beginneth when grasse begins to sproute, & -trees to bud. But to treat of this present season, -forasmuch as I find the planets to be contradictorily -disposed, in signs & mansi[=o]s of diuerse & repugnant -qualities, I gather that this spring will be -very il for schollers, for they shal studie much and -gain litle, they shal haue more wit in their heads -then money in their purses, dunces shal proue more -welthie then diuers doctors, insomuch that sundrie -vnlettered fooles should creep into the ministerie, if -the prouident care of good Bishops did not preuent -th[=e]. And by the opinion of Proclus, women are like -to grow wilful, & so variable, that they shall laugh -& weepe, and all with a winde: Butchers shal sell / -their meate as deare as they can, and if they be not -carefull, horne beastes shall bee hurtfull vnto them, -and some shall bee so wedded to swines flesh, that -they shall neuer be without a sowe in their house as -long as they liue. This spring, or vernall resolution -being naturally hot and moist, is like to be verie -forwarde for sprouting fieldes and blooming trees, -and because Saturne is in his proper mansion, olde -men are like to bee froward, and craftie knaues shall -neede no Brokers, vsurie shalbe called good husbandrie, -and men shalbe counted honest by their -wealth, not by their vertues. And because Aquarius -has somthing to do wt this quarter, it is to be -doubted that diuers springs of water will rise vp in -vintners sellers, to the great weakning of their Gascon -wine, & the vtter ruine of the ancient order of the -redde noses. March Beere shalbe more esteemed -than small Ale. - -Out of the old stocke of heresie, this spring it is -to be feared, will bloome new scismaticall opinions -and strange sects, as Brownists, Barowists, & such -balductum deuises, to the great hinderance of the -vnitie of the Church, & confusion of the true faith, -if the learned doctor sir T. Tiburne be not taskte to -confute such vpstart companions, with his plain & -dunstable philosophie. Cancer is bu/sie in this -springtide, and therefore it is like that florishing -bloomes of yong gentlemens youth, shalbe greatly -anoide with caterpillers, who shall intangle them in -such statutes & recognances, that they shall crie -out against brokers, as Jeremy did against false -prophets. Besides, thogh this last winter nipt vp -diuers masterles men & cut purses, yet this spring -is like to afford one euery tearme this ten yere in -Westminster hall: Barbers if they haue no worke -are like to grow poore, and for that Mercury is -c[=o]bust and many quarelles like to growe amongst -men, lawiers shall proue rich & weare side gowns -and large consciences, hauing theyr mouths open -to call for fees, and theyr purses shut when they -shoulde bestowe almes. But take heed O you generation -of wicked Ostlers, that steale haie in the -night from gentlemens horses, and rub their teth -with tallow, that they may eate little when they stand -at liuery, this I prognosticate against you, that this -spring, which so euer of you dies, shall leaue a -knaues carcasse in the graue behind him, and that -they which liue shall hop a harlot in his clothes all -the yere after. But aboue all let me not hide this -secret from my countrymen, that Jupiter being in -aspect with Luna, discouereth that diuers men shal -drinke more th[=e] they bleed, & / Tailers shall steale -nothing but what is brought vnto them, that poulters -shall bee pestered with rotten egs, & Butchers dogs -make libels against Lent, that affoordes no foode but -herring cobs for their diet. - -Diseases incident to this quarter, as by Astrologicall -& philosophicall coniectures I can gather, -are these following: Prentises that haue ben fore -beaten, shall be troubled with ach in their armes, -and it shall be ill for such as haue fore eies, to looke -against the Sun. The plague shall raigne mortally -amongst poore men, that diuerse of them shal not -be able to change a man a groate. Olde women -that haue taken great colde, may perhaps be trobled -with the cough, and such as haue paine in their teeth, -shall bee grieuouslie troubled with the tooth ach. Beside, -sicke folke shall haue worse stomackes then they -which be whole, and men that cannot sleepe, shall -take verie little rest: with other accidentall infirmities, -which I doe ouerpasse. - - -_A declaration of the disposition and inclination -of the Summer quarter_. - -When the Sunne hath made his course through -the vernal signs, Aries, Taurus & Gemini at his -passage vnto the solsticiall estiuall signe Cancer. -The third parte of an English yeere called Summer, -taketh his beginning this yere: as Ptolomie sayth, -the twelfth of Iune, but as my skill doth coniecture, -it beginneth when the wether waxeth so hot that -beggers scorne barnes and lie in the field for heate, -and the wormes of Saint Pancredge Church build -their bowers vnder the shadow of Colman hedge. -The predominant qualities of this quarter is heate -and drynesse, whereby I doe gather, that through the -influence of Cancer, bottle Ale shall be in great -authoritie, and wheat shall doe knightes seruice vnto -malte. Tapsters this quarter shall be in greater -credite than Coblers, and many shall drinke more -then they can yearne. And yet because Mercurie is -a signe that is nowe predominant, women shall be -more troubled with fleas then men, and such as want -meate shall goe supperlesse to bedde. Besides, -this quarter great hurlie burlies are like to bee feared, -and greate stratagems like to bee performed, thorough -the opposition of Mars and Saturne: for Butchers -are like to make great hauocke amongest flies, and -beggers on Sunne shine dayes to commit great -murthers vpon their rebellious vermine, and the -knights of Coppersmiths hap to / doo great deedes of -armes vpon Cuppes, Cannes, pots, glasses, and black -iacks: not ceasing the skirmish til they are able to -stand on their legges. - -Further it is to bee doubted, that because Venus -is in the house of Loue, that Millers, Weauers, and -Taylors shall be counted as theeuishe as they are -knauishe: and Maides this quarter shall make -sillyebubbes for their Louers, till some of them -Calue with the Cowe for companye. But Iupiter in -his exaltation presageth that diuers young Gentlemen -shall creepe further into the Mercers Booke in a -Moneth then they can get out in a yere: and that -sundry fellowes in their silkes shall be appointed to -keep Duke Humfrye company in Poules, because -they know not wher to get their dinner abroad: if -there be great plenty of Cherries this Summer, they -are like to come to a penny the pound, and Costard-mongers -this Summer shall be licenst by the Wardens -of their hall, to weare and carry baskets of Apples on -their heads to keepe them from the heat of the Sun. -But Libra adust and retrograde, foretelleth that there -is like to be a league between diuers bakers & the -pillorye, for making their bread so light, and the Sun -shall be so hotte, that it shall melt awaye the consciences -of diuers couetous men, and that / by the -meanes of Venus which is in the house of Scorpion, -women shall bee so loue sicke, that Sumners and -ciuil lawiers shall haue great fees thorough the aboundance -of such sinfull clients, and diuerse spirites in -white sheetes shall stand in Poules and other -Churches, to make their confessions. But this by -the waie learne of me, shomakers shall proue so -proud that they shall refuse the name of souters, -and the Tailer and the louse are like to fall at -martiall variance, were it not the worshipfull company -of the Botchers haue set downe this order, that -he that lies in his bed while his clothes be mending, -neede not haue a man to keepe his wardroppe. But -amongst all, the Smithes haue put vp a supplication -to the Alecunners, that he which goes dronke to bed, -and as soone as hee wakes dares not carouse a hartie -draught the next morning, shall drinke two daies -together small Ale for his penance. - -This variable season is like to bring variable -accidents, for diuerse diseases which will much -molest the people, namely the plurisies which shall -grieue many, that they shall haue farre more knauerie -than they haue honestie, diuerse fluxes, and especiallie -in poore mens purses, for they shall bee so laxatiue, -that money shall runne out faster than / they can get -it. The small pockes among children and great -amongst men, infirmities in the tong, some shall doe -nothing but lie with others, which I let pas. - - -_A declaration of the inclination and disposition of -the Autumnall or haruest quarter._ - -Haruest and the last quarter of this yeere beginneth, -as I coniecture, when corne is ripe. But -for the nature of this autumnall reuolution, because -it beginneth in Libra, I gather there shall be more -holes open this quarter then in all the yeere beside, -and strange euents shall chance, for knaues shall -weare smockes, and women shall haue holes in their -heartes, that as fast as loue creepes in at one, it shall -runne out at another. Yet Leo being a firie signe, -foresheweth that diuerse men shall haue their teeth -longer then their beards, and some shal be so Sun -burnt with sitting in the Alehouse, that their noses -shall bee able to light a candle. Others shall for -want of money paune their clokes, and march -mannerly in theyr doublet and their hose. And -some shall this yere haue barnes and yet want corn -to put in them. Rie this yeere shall bee common -in / England, and knaues shall be licenst to sel it by -the pound, and he that wil not this quarter spend -a pennie with his friende, by the counsayle of -Albumazar, shall bee thrust quite out of all good -companie for his labour. - -It may be doubted that some straunge sicknesse -and vnknowen diseases wil happen, as hollownesse of -the heart, that a man shall not know a knaue from -an honest man, and vncouth consumptions of the -lyuer, that diuerse men of good wealth shall by their -kinde hearts spend all and die banquerouts: some -shal be troubled with diseases in the throate, which -cannot bee helpte without Bull the hang man plaie -the skilfull Chyrurgion. Amongest the rest, many -that haue faire wiues shalbe troubled with greate -swelling in the browes, a disease as incurable as the -goute. Some shall bee troubled with the stone, and -seeke to cunning women to cure them of that disease, -an infirmitie easilie amended, and the doctors -of Bridewell did not punish such women Phisitians -by a Statute. But the greatest disease that is to bee -feared, is the Cataphalusie, that is to saie, good -fellowes this yeere for want of money shall oft times -be contented to part companie. - -And / thus (gentle reader) thou hast my prognostication, -gathered by arte, and confirmed by experience, -and therefore take it in good worth, for _Quod gratis -grate_, and so farewell. - - - - -VII.--THOMAS DEKKER - - -(The Gull's Hornbook _is an almost famous work, -and has, I believe, been cheaply reprinted in separate -form of late years. It cannot, however, be too well -known, for it is excellent in itself, and though undoubtedly -paraphrased from the_ Grobianus _of Dedekind, -is so adjusted to English contemporary manners as to -be practically original_.) - - - THE GVLS - - Horne-booke: - - _Stultorum plena sunt omnia._ - - Al Sauio meza parola, - Basta. - - - By T. Deckar. - - - _Labore et Constantia._ - - - Imprinted at London for R. S. 1609. - - -_To all Guls in generall, wealth and Liberty._ - - -WHOM can I choose (my most worthie _Mecaen-asses_) to -be Patrons to this labour of mine fitter th[=e] yourselues? -Your hands are euer open, your purses neuer shut. So -that you stand not in the _Common_ Rancke of _Dry-fisted -Patrons_, (who giue nothing) for you giue all. Schollers, -therefore, are as much beholden to you, as Vintners, -Players, and Puncks are. Those three trades gaine by -you more then Vsurers do by thirty in the hundred: -You spend the wines of the one, you make suppers for -the other, and change your Gold into White money with -the third. Who is more liberall then you? who (but -only Cittizens) are more free? Blame me not therefore, -if I pick you out from the bunch of _Booke-takers_, to -consecrate these fruits of my braine (which shall neuer -die) onely to you. I know that most of you (O admirable -_Guls_!) can neither write nor reade. A _Horne-booke_ -haue I inuented, because I would haue you well -schooled. _Powles_ is your _Walke_; but this your Guid: -if it lead you right, thanke me: if astray, men will -beare with your errors, because you are _Guls_. _Farewell._ - -T. D. - - -To the Reader. - -_GENTLE Reader, I could willingly be content that thou -shouldest neither be at cost to buy this booke, nor at the -labour to reade it. It is not my ambition to bee a man -in Print, thus euery Tearm_; Ad praelum, tanquam ad -praelium; _Wee should come to the Presse as we come to -the Field (seldome). This Tree of_ Guls _was planted -long since, but not taking roote, could neuer beare till -now. It hath a relish of_ Grobianisme, _and tastes very -strongly of it in the beginning: the reason thereof is, -that, hauing translated many Bookes of that into English -Verse, and not greatly liking the Subiect, I altred the -Shape, and of a Dutchman fashioned a meere Englishman. -It is a Table wherein are drawne sundry Pictures: -the cullors are fresh; if they be well laid on, I think my -workmanship well bestowed: if ill, so much the better, -because I draw the pictures onely of_ Guls. - -T. D. / - - - - -THE GULS HORN-BOOKE: - -OR - -_Fashions to please all sorts of Guls._ - - -_Prooemium_. - -I sing (like the cuckooe in June) to bee laught at: -if therefore I make a scuruy noise, and that my tunes -sound vnmusically (the Ditty being altogether lame -in respect of the bad feete, and vnhansome in -regard of the worme-eaten fashion) you that haue -authority vnder the broad seale of mouldy custom, to -be called the _gentle Audience_, set your goodly great -hands to my pardon: or else, because I scorne to be -vpbraided that I professe to instruct others in an Art, -whereof I my selfe am ignorant, Doe your worst: chuse -whether you will let my notes haue you by the eares, -or no: hisse or giue plaudities, I care not a nut-shell -which of either: you can neither shake our _Comick -Theater_ with your stinking breath of hisses, nor raise -it with the thunder-claps of your hands: vp it goes, -_in dispetto del fato_. Ye motley is bought, and a -coat with foure elbowes (for any one that will weare -it) is put to making, in defiance of the seuen wise -maisters: for I haue smelt out of the musty sheetes -of an olde Almanacke, that (at one time or other) -euen he that iets vpon the neatest and sprucest -leather, euen he that talkes all _Adage_ and _Apothegme_, -euen he that will not haue a wrinckle in his new -Sattein suit, though his mind be vglier then his face, -and his face so illfauouredly made, that he lookes at -all times as if a tooth-drawer were fumbling about -his gommes with a / thousand lame _Heteroclites_ more, -that cozen the world with a guilt spur and a ruffled -boote; will be all glad to fit themselues in _Will -Sommer_ his wardrob, and be driuen (like a Flemish -Hoy in foule weather) to slip into our Schoole, and -take out a lesson. Tush, _Coelum petimus stultitia_, all -that are chosen Constables for their wit go not to -heauen. - -A fig therefore for the new-found Colledge of -_Criticks_. You Courtiers, that do nothing but sing -the _gamuth-a-re_ of complemental courtesie, and at the -rusticall behauiour of our Countrie Muse, will screw -forth worse faces then those which God and the -Painter has bestowed vpon you, I defie your perfumd -scorne: and vow to poyson your Muske cats, -if their ciuet excrement doe but once play with my -nose. You _ordinary Gulles_, that through a poore -and silly ambition to be thought you inherit the -reuenues of extraordinary wit, will spend your shallow -censure vpon the most elaborate Poeme so lauishly, -that all the painted table-men about you, take you -to be heires apparent to rich _Midasse_, that had -more skill in _alchimy_ then _Kelly_ with the Phylosophers -stone; (for all that he could lay his fingers -on, turned into beaten gold) dry Tobacco with my -leaues (you good dry brained _polipragmonists_) till -your pipe offices smoake with your pittifully stinking -girds shot out against me. I coniure you (as you -come of the right _goose-caps_) staine not your house; -but when at a new play you take vp the twelue-penny -roome next the stage; (because the Lords and you -may seeme to be haile fellow wel-met) there draw -forth this booke, read alowd, laugh alowd, and play -the _Antickes_, that all the garlike mouthd stinkards -may cry out, _Away with the fool_. As for thee, Zoylus, -goe hang thy selfe: and for thee _Momus_, chew -nothing but hemlock, and spit nothing but the sirrup -of _Aloes_ vpon my papers, till thy very rotten lungs -come forth for anger. I am Snake-proofe: and, -though, with _Hanniball_, you bring whole hogs-heads -of vinegar-railings, it is impossible for you to quench -or come ouer my _Alpine-resolution_: I will faile boldly -and desperately alongst the shore of ye Ile of _Guls_; -and in defiance of those terrible blockhouses, their -loggerheads, make a true discouery of their wild (yet -habitable) Country. - -Sound an Allarum therefore (O thou my couragious -Muse) and, like a Dutch cryer, make proclamation -with thy Drum: the effect of thine O-_yes_ being, -That if any man, woman or child, be he Lord, be he -Lowne, be he Courtier, be he Carter of ye Innes of -Court, or Innes of Citty, that, hating from the -bottome of his heart, all good manners and generous -education, is really in loue, or rather doates on that -excellent country lady, _Innocent Simplicity_, being the -first, fairest, and chiefest Chamber-maide that our -great _grandame Eue_ entertained into seruice: Or if -any person aforesaid, longing to make a voyage in -the Ship of Fooles, would venture all the wit that his -mother left him, to liue in the country of _Guls_, -_cockneyes_, and _coxcombs_; to the intent that, ha[=u]ting -_theaters_, he may sit there, like a popiniay, onely to -learne play-speeches, which afterward may furnish -ye necessity of his bare knowledge, to maintaine -table talke, or else, beating _tauernes_, desires to take -the _Bacchanalian_ degrees, and to write himselfe _in -arte bibendi magister_; that at ordinaries would sit -like Biasse, and in the streets walk like a braggart, -that on foote longs to goe like a French Lacque, and -on horsebacke rides like an English Tailor, or that -from seuen yeares and vpward, till his dying day, -has a monethes mind to haue ye _Guls Hornebooke_ -by hearte; by which in time he may be promoted to -serue any Lord in _Europe_, as his crafty foole, or his -bawdy Jester, yea and to be so deere to his Lordship, -as for the excellency of his fooling, to be admitted -both to ride in Coach with him, and to lie at his -very feete on a truckle-bed. Let all such (and I -hope the world has not left her olde fashions, but -there are ten thousand such) repaire hither. Neuer -knocke (you that striue to be Ninny-hammer), but -with your feete spurne open the doore, and enter -into our Schoole: you shall not neede to buy -bookes, no, scorne to distinguish a B from a battle -doore; onely looke that your eares be long enough -to reach our _Rudiments_, and you are made for euer. -It is by heart that I would haue you con my lessons, -and therefore be sure to haue most deuouring -stomaches. Nor be you terrified with an opinion, -that our _rules_ be hard and indigestible, or that you -shall neuer be good _Graduates_ in these rare sciences -of _Barbarisme_, and Idiotisme. Oh fie, vppon any -man that carries that vngodly minde! Tush, tush; -_Tarleton_, _Kemp_, nor _Singer_, nor all the litter of Fooles -that now come drawling behinde them, neuer played -the clownes more naturally then the arrantest Sot of -you all shall if hee will but boyle my Instructions in -his braine-pan. - -And lest I my selfe, like some _pedantical Vicar_ -stammering out a most false and crackt latine oration -to maister _Maior_ of the towne and his brethren, -should cough and hem in my deliueries; by which -meanes you (my Auditors) should be in danger to -depart more like woodcockes then when you came -to me: O thou venerable father of antient (and -therefore hoary) customes, _Syluanus_, I inuoke thy -assistance; thou that first taughtest Carters to weare -hob-nailes, and Lobs to play Christmas gambols, and -to shew the most beastly horse-trickes: O do thou, -or (if thou art not at leasure) let thy Mountibancke, -goat-footed _Fauni_, inspire me with the knowledge of -all those silly and ridiculous fashions, which the old -dunsticall world woare euen out at elbowes; draw -for me the pictures of the most simple fellowes then -liuing, that by their patterns I may paint the like. -Awake thou noblest drunkerd _Bacchus_, thou must -likewise stand to me (if at least thou canst for reeling), -teach me (you soueraigne skinker) how to take -the _Germanies vpsy freeze_, the Danish _Rowsa_, the -Switzers stoap of _Rhenish_, the _Italians Parmizant_, -the Englishmans healthes, his hoopes, cans, halfecans, -Gloues, Frolicks, and flapdragons, together with the -most notorious qualities of the truest tospots, as -when to cast, when to quarrell, when to fight, and -where to sleepe: hide not a drop of thy moist -mystery from me (thou plumpest swil-bowle), but -(like an honest red-nosed wine-bibber) lay open all -thy secrets, and ye mystical _Hieroglyphick_ of _Rashers_ -a' th' coales, _Modicums_ and _shooing-hornes,_ and why -they were inuented, for what occupations, and when -to be vsed. Thirdly (because I will haue more then -two strings to my bow) _Comus_, thou Clarke of -_Gluttonies_ kitchen, doe thou also bid me proface, -and let me not rise from table, till I am perfect in -all the generall rules of _Epicures_ and _Cormorants_. -Fatten thou my braines, that I may feede others, -and teach them both how to squat downe to their -meat, and how to munch so like Loobies, that the -wisest _Solon_ in the world, shall not be able to take -them for any other. If there be any strength in -thee, thou beggerly Monarche of _Indians_, and setter-vp -of rotten-lungd chimneysweepers (_Tobacco_), I beg -it at thy smoaky hands: make me thine adopted -heire, that, inheriting the vertues of thy whiffes, I -may / distribute them amongst all nations, and make -the phantastick _Englishmen_ (aboue the rest) more -cunning in the distinction of thy _Rowle Trinidado_, -_Leafe_, and _Pudding_, then the whitest toothd Blackamoore -in all _Asia_. After thy pipe, shal ten thousands -be taught to daunce, if thou wilt but discouer to me -the sweetnesse of thy snuffes, with the manner of -spawling, slauering, spetting and driueling in all -places, and before all persons. Oh what songs will -I charme out, in praise of those valiantly-strong-stinking -breaths, which are easily purchased at thy -hands, if I can but get thee to trauell through my nose. -All the foh's in the fairest Ladies mouth, that euer -kist Lord, shall not fright me from thy browne presence: -for thou art humble, and from the Courts of -Princes hast vouchsafed to be acquainted with penny -galleries, and (like a good-fellow) to be drunke for -company, with Water-men, Carmen, and Colliers; -whereas before, and so still, Knights and wise Gentlemen -were, & are thy companions. Last of all, -thou Lady of Clownes and Carters, Schoolmistres of -fooles and wiseacres, thou homely (but harmelesse) -_Rusticity_, Oh breath thy dull and dunsticall spirit -into our ganders quill; crowne me thy Poet, not with -a garland of Bayes (Oh no! the number of those -that steale _lawret_ is too monstrous already) but -swaddle thou my browes with those unhansome -boughes, which, (like _Autums_ rotten haire), hang -dangling ouer thy dusty eye-lids. Helpe me (thou -midwife of vnmannerlinesse) to be deliuered of this -_Embryon_ that lies tumbling in my braine: direct me -in this hard and dangerous voyage, that being safely -arriued on the desired shore, I may build up Altars -to thy _Vnmatcheable Rudeness_; the excellency whereof -I know will be so great, that _Grout-nowles_ and -_Moames_ will in swarmes fly buzzing about thee. So -_Herculean_ a labour is this, that I vndertake, that I -am enforced to ball out for all your succours, to the -intent I may aptly furnish this feast of _Fooles_, vnto -which I solemnely inuite all the world; for at it shall -sit not only those whom _Fortune_ fauours, but euen -those whose wits are naturally their owne. Yet -because your artificiall fooles beare away the bell, all -our best workmanship (at this time) shall be spent to -fashion such a Creature. - - -CHAPTER I - -The old world, & the new weighed together: the Tailors of -those times, and these compared: the apparell, and dyet of -our first fathers. - -Good cloathes are the embrodred trappings of pride, -and good cheere the very _eringo-roote_ of gluttony: so -that fine backes, and fat bellyes are Coach-horses to -two of the seuen deadly sins: In the bootes of which -Coach, _Lechery_ and _Sloth_ sit like the waiting-maide. -In a most desperate state therefore doe Taylors, and -Cookes stand, by meanes of their offices: for both -those trades are Apple-squires to that couple of -sinnes. The one inuents more phantasticke fashions, -then Fraunce hath worne since her first stone was -laid; the other more lickerish _epycurean_ dishes, then -were euer serud vp to _Gallonius_ table. Did man -(thinke you) come wrangling into the world, about no -better matters, then all his lifetime to make priuy -searches in Burchin lane for Whalebone doublets, or -for pies of _Nightingale_ tongues in _Heliogabalus_ his -kitchin? No, no, the first suit of apparell, that euer -mortall man put on, came neither from the Mercers -shop nor the Merchants warehouse: _Adams_ bill -would haue beene taken then, sooner then a Knights -bond now; yet was hee great in no bodies bookes -for satten and veluets: the silkwormes had something -else to do in those dayes, then to set vp loomes, -and be free of the weauers: his breeches were not so -much worth as K. _Stephens_, that cost but a poore -noble: for _Adams_ holyday hose and doublet were of -no better stuffe then plaine fig-leaues, and _Eues_ best -gowne of the same peece: there went but a paire of -sheeres betweene them. An _Antiquary_ in this towne, -has yet some of the powder of those leaues dryed to -shew. Taylors then were none of the twelue Companies: -their Hall, that now is larger then some -Dorpes among the _Netherlands_, was then no bigger -then a Dutch Butchers shop: they durst not strike -downe their customers with large billes: _Adam_ cared -not an apple-paring for all their lousy hems. There -was then neither the _Spanish_ slop, nor the Skippers -galligaskin: the _Switzers_ blistred Cod-piece, nor the -_Danish_ sleeue sagging / down like a Welch wallet, the -_Italians_ close strosser, nor the French standing -coller: your trebble-quadruple _Daedalian_ ruffes, nor -your stiffenecked _rebatoes_ (that haue more arches for -pride to row vnder, then can stand vnder fiue London -Bridges) durst not then set themselues out in print: -for the patent for starch could by no meanes be -signd. Fashions then was counted a disease, and -horses dyed of it: But now (thankes to folly) it is -held the onely rare phisicke, and the purest golden -Asses liue vpon it. - -As for the dyet of that _Saturnian_ age, it was like -their attire, homely: A sallad, and a messe of leeke -porridge, was a dinner for a farre greater man then -euer the _Turke_ was: Potato-pies, and Custards, -stood like the sinfull suburbs of Cookery, and had -not a wall (so much as a handfull hie) built rownd -about them. There were no daggers then, nor no -Chayres. _Crookes_ his ordinary, in those parsimonious -dayes, had not a Capons-leg to throw at a dog. -Oh golden world, the suspicious _Venecian_ carued not -his meate with a siluer pitch-forke, neither did the -sweet-toothd Englishman shift a dozen of trenchers -at one meale. Peirs ploughman layd the cloth, and -Simplicity brought in the voyder. How wonderfully -is the world altered? and no maruell, for it has lyein -sicke almost fiue thousand yeares: So that it is no -more like the old _Theater du munde_, than old _Paris_ -garden is like the Kings garden at _Paris_. - -What an excellent workeman therefore were he -that could cast the Globe of it into a new mould: -And not to make it look like _Mullineux_ his Globe, -with a round face sleekt and washt ouer with whites -of egges; but to haue it _in Plano_, as it was at first, -with all the ancient circles, lines, paralels, and figures, -representing indeede, all the wrinckles, crackes, -creuises and flawes that (like the Mole on _Hattens_ -cheek, being _os amoris_,) stuck vpon it at the first -creation, and made it looke most louely; but now -those furrowes are filled vp with Ceruse, and Vermilion; -yet all will not doe, it appeares more vgly. -Come, come, it would be but a bald world, but that -it weares a periwig. The body of it is fowle (like a -birding-peece) by being too much heated: the breath -of it stinks like the mouthes of Chambermaides by -feeding on so many sweat meats. And, though to -purge it wil be a sorer labour then the clensing / of -_Augeaes_ stable, or the scowring of Mooreditch: yet, -_Ille ego, qui quondam_; I am the _Pasquille madcap_, -that will doot. - -Draw neere therefore, all you that loue to walke -vpon single and simple soules, and that wish to keepe -company with none but Innocents, and the sonnes of -ciuill Citizens, out with your tables, and naile your -eares (as it were to the pillary) to the _musique_ of our -instructions: nor let ye title _Gullery_, fright you fr[=o] -schoole: for marke what an excellent ladder you are -to clime by. How many worthy, and men of famous -memory (for their learning of all offices, from the -scauenger and so vpward) haue flourished in London -of ye ancient familie of ye _Wiseacres_, being now -no better esteemd then fooles and yonger brothers? -This geare must be lookt into, lest in time (O lamentable -time, when that houre-glasse is turned vp) a rich -mans sonne shall no sooner peepe out of the shell of -his minority but he shall straightwaies be begd for a -concealement, or set vpon (as it were, by free-booters) -and tane in his owne purse-nets by fencers and cony-catchers. -To driue which pestilent infection from -the heart, heeres a medicine more potent, and more -precious, than was euer that mingle-mangle of drugs -which _Mithrydates_ boyld together. Feare not to tast -it: a cawdle will not goe downe halfe so smoothly as -this will: you neede not call the honest name of it in -question, for Antiquity puts off his cap, and makes a -bare oration in praise of the vertues of it: the _Receipt_ -hath beene subscribed vnto, by all those that haue -had to doe with _Simples_, with this moth-eaten _Motto, -Probatum est_: your _Diacatholicon aureum_, that with -gun-powder brings threaten[ing]s to blow vp all diseases -that come in his way, and smels worse then -_Assafaetida_ in respect of this. You therefore whose -bodyes, either ouerflowing with the corrupt humours -of this ages phantasticknesse, or else being burnt -vp with the infl[=a]mation of vpstart fashions, would -faine be purgd: and to shew that you truly loath this -polluted and mangy-fisted world, turne Timonists, -not caring either for men or their maners. Doe -you pledge me, spare not to take a deepe draught of -our homely councel. The cup is full, and so large, -that I boldly drinke a health vnto all commers. / - - -CHAPTER II - -How a young Gallant shall not onely keepe his clothes (which -many of them can hardly doe for Brokers) but also saue the -charges of taking physicke; with other rules for the morning, -the praise of Sleepe, and of going naked. - -You haue heard all this while nothing but the _Prologue_, -and seene no more but a dumbe shew: Our -_vetus Comaedia_ steps out now. The fittest stage vpon -which you (that study to be an Actor there) are first -to present your selfe is (in my approued judgement) -the softest and largest Downe-bed: from whence (if -you will but take sound councell of your pillow) you -shall neuer rise, till you heare it ring noone at least. -Sleep, in the name of _Morpheus_, your bellyfull, or -(rather) sleepe till you heare your belly grombles and -waxeth empty. Care not for those coorse painted -cloath rimes, made by ye Uniuersity of _Salerne_, that -come ouer you, with - -_Sit breuis, aut nullus, tibi somnus meridianus._ - -Short let thy sleepe at noone be, -Or rather let it none be. - -Sweete candied councell, but theres rats-bane -vnder it: trust neuer a Bachiler of Art of them all, -for he speakes your health faire, but to steale away -the maidenhead of it: _Salerne_ stands in the luxurious -country of _Naples_, and who knowes not that the -_Neapolitan_, will (like _Derick_ the hangman) embrace -you with one arme, and rip your guts with the other? -theres not a haire in his mustachoo, but if he kisse -you, will stabbe you through the cheekes like a -ponyard: the slaue, to be auenged on his enemy, -will drink off a pint of poison himselfe so that he -may be sure to haue the other pledge him but halfe -so much. And it may be, that vpon some secret -grudge to worke the generall destruction of all mankinde, -those verses were composed. _Phisisians_, I -know (and none else) tooke vp the bucklers in their -defence, railing bitterly vpon that venerable and -princely custom of _long-lying-abed_: Yet, now I remember -me, I cannot blame them; for / they which -want sleepe (which is mans naturall rest) become -either mere _Naturals_, or else fall into the Doctors -hands, and so consequently into the Lords: whereas -he that snorts profoundly scornes to let _Hippocrates_ -himselfe stand tooting on his Urinall, and thereby -saues that charges of a groates worth of Physicke: And -happy is that man that saues it; for phisick is _Non -minus venefica, quam benefica_, it hath an ounce of gall -in it, for euery dram of hony. Ten _Tyburnes_ cannot -turne men ouer ye perch so fast as one of these -brewers of purgations: the very nerues of their practise -being nothing but _Ars Homicidiorum_, an Art to -make poore soules kicke vp their heeles. In so much, -that euen their sicke grunting patients stand in more -danger of M. Doctor and his drugs, then of all the -Cannon shots which the desperate disease it selfe -can discharge against them. Send them packing -therefore, to walke like _Italian Mountebankes_, beate -not your braines to vnderstand their parcell-greeke, -parcell-latine gibrish: let not all their sophisticall -buzzing into your eares, nor their _Satyricall_ canuassing -of feather-beds and tossing men out of their -warme blanckets, awake you till the houre that heere -is prescribed. - -For doe but consider what an excellent thing -sleepe is: It is so inestimable a Jewel, that, if a -Tyrant would giue his crowne for an houres slumber, -it cannot be bought: of so beautifull a shape is it, that -though a man lye with an Empresse, his heart cannot -be at quiet, till he leaues her embracements to be at -rest with the other: yea, so greatly indebted are we -to this kinseman of death, that we owe the better -tributary, halfe of our life to him: and thers good -cause why we should do so: for sleepe is that golden -chaine that ties health and our bodies together. -Who complains of want? of woundes? of cares? of -great mens oppressions, of captiuity? whilest he -sleepeth? Beggers in their beds take as much pleasure -as Kings: can we therefore surfet on this delicate -_Ambrosia_? can we drink too much of that whereof -to tast too little tumbles vs into a church-yard, and to -vse it but indifferently, throwes vs into Bedlam? No, -no, looke vppon _Endymion_, the Moones Minion, who -slept threescore and fifteene yeares, and was not a -haire the worse for it. Can lying abedde till noone -then (being not the threescore and fifteenth thousand -part of his nap) be hurtfull? - -Besides, by the opinion of all Phylosophers and -Physitians, it is not good to trust the aire with our -bodies / till the Sun with his flame-coloured wings, -hath fand away the mistie smoake of the morning, -and refind that thicke tobacco-breath which the -rheumaticke night throwes abroad of purpose to put -out the eye of the Element: which worke questionlesse -cannot be perfectly finished, till the sunnes -Car-horses stand prancing on the very top of highest -noon: so that then (and not till then) is the most -healthfull houre to be stirring. Do you require -examples to perswade you? At what time do Lords -and Ladies vse to rise, but then? your simpring -Merchants wiues are the fairest lyers in the world: -and is not eleuen a clocke their common houre? -they finde (no doubt) vnspeakable sweetnesse in such -lying, else they would not day by day put it so in -practise. In a word, midday slumbers are golden; -they make the body fat, the skin faire, the flesh -plump, delicate and tender; they set a russet colour -on the cheekes of young women, and make lusty -courage to rise vp in men; they make vs thrifty, both -in sparing victuals (for breakefasts thereby are savd -from the hell-mouth of the belly) and in preseruing -apparell; for while wee warm us in our beds, our -clothes are not worne. - -The casements of thine eyes being then at this -commendable time of the day, newly set open, choose -rather to haue thy wind-pipe cut in peeces then to -salute any man. Bid not good-morrow so much as -to thy father, tho he be an Emperour. An idle -ceremony it is, and can doe him little good; to -thy selfe it may bring much harme: for if he be a -wise man that knowes how to hold his peace, of -necessity must he be counted a foole that cannot -keep his tongue. - -Amongst all the wild men that runne vp and -downe in this wide forest of fooles (the world) none -are more superstitious then those notable _Ebritians_, -the Jewes: yet a Jewe neuer weares his cap threed-bare -with putting it off: neuer bends i' th' hammes -with casting away a leg: neuer cries _God saue you_, -tho he sees the Diuell at your elbow. Play the Jewes -therefore in this, and saue thy lips that labour, onely -remember, that so soone as thy eyelids be vnglewd, -thy first exercise must be (either sitting vpright on -thy pillow, or rarely loling at thy bodies whole length) -to yawne, to stretch,--and to gape wider then any oyster-wife: -for thereby thou doest not onely send out the -liuely spirits (like vaunt-currers) to fortifie and make -good the vttermost borders of the body; but also (as -a cunning painter) thy goodly lineaments are drawne -out in their fairest proportion. - -This lesson being playd, turne ouer a new leafe, -and (vnlesse that Freezeland Curre, cold winter, offer -to bite thee) walke awhile vp and downe thy chamber, -either in thy thin shirt onely, or else (which, at a bare -word, is both more decent and more delectable) strip -thy selfe stark naked. Are we not borne so? and -shall a foolish custome make vs to breake the lawes -of our Creation? our first parents, so long as they -went naked, were suffered to dwell in paradice, but, -after they got coates to their backes, they were turnd -out of doores. Put on therefore either no apparel -at all, or put it on carelessly: for looke how much -more delicate libertie is then bondage, so much is -the loosenesse in wearing of our attire aboue the -imprisonment of being neatly and Tailor-like drest vp -in it. To be ready in our clothes, is to be ready -for nothing else. A man lookes as if hee be hung -in chaines; or like a scarcrow: and as those excellent -birds (whom _Pliny_ could neuer haue the wit to -catch in all his sprindges) commonly called woodcocks -(whereof there is great store in England) hauing -all their feathers pluckt from their backes, and being -turnd out as naked as _Platoes_ cocke was before all -_Diogenes_ his Schollers: or as the Cuckooe in Christmas, -are more fit to come to any Knights board, and -are indeede more seruiceable then when they are -lapt in their warme liueries: euen so stands the case -with man. Truth (because the bald-pate her father -_Time_ has no haire to couer his head) goes (when she -goes best) starke naked; But falshood has euer a -cloake for the raine. You see likewise, that the Lyon, -being the king of beasts, the horse, being the lustiest -creature, the Vnicorne, whose horne is worth halfe a -City; all these go with no more clothes on their -backes, then what nature hath bestowed vpon them: -But your babiownes, and you[r] Jackanapes (being -the scum and rascality of all the hedge-creepers) they -go in ierkins and mandilions: marry how? They are -put into their rags onely in mockery. - -Oh beware therefore both what you weare, and -how you weare / it, and let this heauenly reason moue -you neuer to be hansome, for, when the sunne is -arising out of his bed, does not the element seeme -more glorious, then (being onely in gray) then at -noone, when hees in all his brauery? it were madnesse -to deny it. What man would not gladly see a -beautifull woman naked, or at least with nothing but -a lawne, or some loose thing ouer her; and euen -highly lift her vp for being so? Shall wee then abhorre -that in our selues which we admire and hold to be -so excellent in others? _Absit._ - - -CHAPTER III - -How a yong Gallant should warme himself by the fire; how -attire himself: The description of a mans head: the praise -of long haire. - -But if (as it often happens vnlesse the yeare catch -the sweating sicknesse) the morning, like charity waxing -cold, thrust his frosty fingers into thy bosome, -pinching thee black and blew (with her nailes made -of yce) like an inuisible goblin, so that thy teeth (as -if thou wert singing prick-song) stand coldly quauering -in thy head, and leap vp and downe like the -nimble Iackes of a paire of Virginals: be then as -swift as a whirle-winde, and as boystrous in tossing -all thy cloathes in a rude heape together: With which -bundle filling thine armes, steppe brauely forth, -crying: _Room, what a coyle keepe you about the fire?_ -The more are set round about it, the more is thy -commendation, if thou either bluntly ridest ouer their -shoulders, or tumblest aside their stooles to creepe -into the chimney-corner: there toast thy body, till -thy scorched skinne be speckled all ouer, being staind -with more motley colours then are to be scene on the -right side of the rainebow. - -Neither shall it be fit for the state of thy health, -to put on thy Apparell, till by sitting in that hothouse -of the chimney, thou feelest the fat dew of thy -body (like basting) run trickling down thy sides: for -by that meanes thou maist lawfully boast that thou -liuest by the sweat of thy browes. - -As / for thy stockings and shoos, so weare them, -that all men may point at thee, and make thee -famous by that glorious name of a _Male-content_. Or, -if thy quicksiluer can runne so farre on thy errant, as -to fetch thee bootes out of S. Martens, let it be thy -prudence to haue the tops of them wide as ye mouth -of a wallet, and those with fringed boote-hose ouer -them to hang downe to thy ankles. Doues are -accounted innocent, and louing creatures: thou, in -obseruing this fashion, shalt seeme to be a rough-footed -doue, and be held as innocent. Besides, the -strawling, which of necessity so much lether between -thy legs must put thee into, will be thought not to grow -from thy disease, but from that gentleman-like habit. - -Hauing thus apparelled thee from top to toe, -according to that simple fashion, which the best -_Goose-caps_ in _Europe_ striue to imitate, it is now high -time for me to haue a blow at thy head, which I will -not cut off with sharp documents, but rather set it on -faster, bestowing vpon it such excellent caruing, that, -if all the wise men of _Gottam_ should lay their heades -together, their Jobbernowles should not bee able to -compare with thine. - -To maintaine therefore that sconce of thine, -strongly guarded, and in good reparation, neuer -suffer combe to fasten his teeth there: let thy haire -grow thick and bushy like a forrest, or some wildernesse; -lest those sixe-footed creatures that breede in -it, and are Tenants to that crowne-land of thine, bee -hunted to death by euery base barbarous _Barber_; -and so that delicate, and tickling pleasure of scratching, -be vtterly taken from thee: For the _Head_ is a -house built for _Reason_ to dwell in; and thus is the -tenement framed. The two Eyes are the glasse -windowes, at which light disperses itself into euery -roome, hauing goodly penthouses of haire to ouershadow -them: As for the nose, tho some (most -iniuriously and improperly) make it serue for an -_Indian_ chimney, yet surely it is rightly a bridge with -two arches, vnder which are neat passages to conuey -as well perfumes to aire and sweeten euery chamber, -as to carry away all noisome filth that is swept out of -vncleane corners: the cherry lippes open, like the -new-painted gates of a Lord Mayor's house, to take -in prouision. The tongue is a bell, hanging iust -vnder the middle of the roofe; and / lest it should be -rung out too deepe (as sometimes it is when women -haue a peale) whereas it was cast by the first founder, -but onely to tole softly, there are two euen rowes of -Iuory pegs (like pales) set to keep it in. The eares -are two Musique roomes, into which as well good -sounds as bad, descend downe two narrow paire of -staires, that for all the world haue crooked windings -like those that lead to the top of Powles steeple; -and, because when the tunes are once gotten in, they -should not too quickly slip out, all the walles of both -places are plaistered with yellow wax round about -them. Now, as the fairest lodging, tho it be furnisht -with walles, chimnies, chambers, and all other parts -of Architecture, yet, if the seeleing be wanting, it -stands subiect to raine, and so consequently to ruine. -So would this goodly palace, which wee haue moddeld -out vnto you, be but a cold and bald habitation, -were not the top of it rarely couered. Nature therfore -has plaid the Tyler, and giuen it a most curious -couering, or (to speake more properly) she has thatcht -it all ouer, and that _Thatching_ is haire. If then thou -desirest to reserue that Fee-simple of wit (thy head) -for thee and the lawfull heires of thy body, play -neither the scuruy part of the Frenchman, that pluckes -vp all by ye rootes, nor that of the spending Englishman, -who, to maintaine a paltry warren of vnprofitable -Conies, disimparkes the stately swift-footed wild -Deere: But let thine receiue his full growth, that -thou maiest safely and wisely brag 'tis thine owne -_Bush-Naturall_. - -And with all consider that, as those trees of -cobweblawne (wouen by Spinners the fresh May-mornings) -doe dresse the curled heads of the mountaines, -and adorne the swelling bosomes of the -valleyes: Or, as those snowy fleeces, which the naked -bryer steales from the innocent nibbling sheep, to -make himselfe a warm winter liuery, are to either of -them both an excellent ornament: So make thou -account, that to haue fethers sticking heere and there -on thy head, will embellish, and set thy crowne out -rarely. None dare vpbraid thee, that like a begger -thou hast lyen on straw, or like a trauelling Pedler -vpon musty flockes: for those feathers will rise vp as -witnesses to choake him that sayes so, and to proue -that thy bed was of the softest downe. - -When / your noblest Gallants consecrate their houres -to their Mistresses and to Reuelling, they weare -fethers then chiefly in their hattes, being one of the -fairest ensignes of their brauery: But thou, a Reueller -and a Mistris-seruer all the yeare, by wearing fethers -in thy haire, whose length before the rigorous edge of -any puritanicall paire of scizzers should shorten the -breadth of a finger, let the three huswifely spinsters -of Destiny rather curtall the thread of thy life. O no, -long hair is the onely nette that women spread -abroad to entrappe men in; and why should not men -be as far aboue women in that commodity, as they -go beyond men in others? The merry _Greekes_ were -called [Greek: Karechomoontes] long-haired: loose not thou -(being an honest _Troian_) that honour, sithence it will -more fairely become thee. Grasse is the haire of the -earth, which, so long as it is suffred to grow, it -becomes the wearer, and carries a most pleasing -colour, but when the Sunne-burnt clowne makes his -mowes at it, and (like a Barber) shaues it off to the -stumps, then it withers and is good for nothing but -to be trust vp and thrown amongst Jades. How -vgly is a bald pate? it lookes like a face wanting a -nose; or, like ground eaten bare with the arrowes of -Archers, whereas a head al hid in haire giues euen -to a most wicked face a sweet proportion, and lookes -like a meddow newly marryed to the _Spring_: which -beauty in men the Turkes enuying, they no sooner -lay hold on a Christian, but the first marke they set -vpon him, to make him know hees a slaue, is to shaue -off all his haire close to the scull. A _Mahumetan_ -cruelty therefore is it, to stuffe breeches and tennis-balles -with that, which, when tis once lost, all the -hare-hunters in the world may sweat their hearts out, -and yet hardly catch it againe. - -You then, to whom chastity has giuen an heire -apparant, take order that it may be apparant, and to -that purpose, let it play openly with the lascivious -wind, eu[=e] on the top of your shoulders. Experience -cries out in euery Citty, that those self-same Criticall -_Saturnists_, whose haire is shorter than their eye-brows, -take a pride to haue their hoary beards hang -slauering like a dozen of Foxetailes downe so low as -their middle. But (alas) why should the chinnes and -lippes of old men lick vp that excrement, which they -vyolently clip away from the heads of yong men? Is -it / because those long beesomes (their beards) with -sweeping the soft bosomes of their beautiful yong -wiues, may tickle their tender breasts, and make some -amends for their maisters' vnrecoverable dulnesse? -No, no, there hangs more at the ends of those long -gray haires then all the world can come to the knowledge -of. Certaine I am, that when none but the -golden age went currant vpon earth, it was higher -treason to clip haire, then to clip money: the combe -and scizers were condemned to the currying of -hackneyes: he was disfranchised for euer, that did -but put on a Barbers apron. Man, woman, and child -woare then haire longer then a law-suit; euery head, -when it stood bare or uncouered, lookt like a butter-boxes -nowle, hauing his thrumbd cap on. It was free -for all Nations to haue shaggy pates, as it is now -onely for the Irishman. But since this polling and -shauing world crept vp, locks were lockt up, and -haire fell to decay. Reuiue thou therefore the old, -buryed fashion, and (in scorne of periwigs and sheep-shearing) -keep thou that quilted head-peece on continually. -Long haire will make thee looke dreadfully -to thine enemies, and manly to thy friends. It is, in -peace, an ornament; in warre, a strong helmet. It -blunts the edge of a sword, and deads the leaden -thump of a bullet. In winter, it is a warme night-cap, -in sommer, a cooling fanne of fethers. - - -CHAPTER IIII - -How a Gallant should behaue himselfe in Powles walkes. - -BEING weary with sayling vp and downe alongst these -shores of _Barbaria_, heere let vs cast our anchors, and -nimbly leape to land in our coasts, whose fresh aire -shall be so much the more pleasing to vs, if the _Ninny -hammer_ (whose perfection we labour to set forth) -haue so much foolish wit left him as to choose the -place where to sucke in: for that true humorous -Gallant that desires to powre himselfe into all fashions -(if his ambition be such to excell euen Complement -itselfe) must as well practise to diminish his walkes, -as to bee various in his sallets, curious in his Tobacco, -or ingenious in the trussing vp of a new Scotch-hose: -/ All which vertues are excellent and able to maintaine -him, especially if the old worme-eaten Farmer (his -father) bee dead, and left him fiue hundred a yeare, -onely to keepe an Irish hobby, an Irish horse-boy, and -himselfe (like a gentleman). Hee therefore that -would striue to fashion his leggs to his silke stockins, -and his proud gate to his broad garters, let him whiffe -downe these obseruations; for, if he once get to -walke by the booke (and I see no reason but he may, -as well as fight by the booke) Powles may be proud -of him, _Will Clarke_ shall ring forth _Encomiums_ in -his honour, Iohn in Powles _Church-yard_, shall fit his -head for an excellent blocke, whilest all the Innes of -Court reioyce to behold his most hansome calfe. - -Your Mediterranean Ile, is then the onely gallery, -wherein the pictures of all your true fashionate and -complementall _Guls_ are, and ought to be hung vp: -into that gallery carry your neat body, but take heede -you pick out such an hour when the maine Shoale -of Ilanders are swimming vp and downe. And first -obserue your doores of entrance, and your _Exit_, not -much vnlike the plaiers at the Theaters, keeping your -_Decorums_, euen in phantasticality. As for example: -if you proue to be a _Northerne_ Gentleman, I would -wish you to passe through the North doore, more -often (especially) then any of the other: and so, -according to your countries, take note of your -entrances. - -Now for your venturing into the Walke, be circumspect -and wary what piller you come in at, and take -heede in any case (as you loue the reputation of your -honour) that you auoide the _Seruing-mans_ logg, and -approch not within fiue fadom of that Piller; but -bend your course directly in the middle line, that the -whole body of the Church may appeare to be yours; -where, in view of all, you may publish your suit in -what manner you affect most, either with the slide of -your cloake from the one shoulder, and then you -must (as twere in anger) suddenly snatch at the -middle of the inside (if it be taffata at the least) and -so by that meanes your costly lining is betrayd, or -else by the pretty aduantage of Complement. But -one note by the way do I especially wooe you to, the -neglect of which makes many of our Gallants cheape -and ordinary, that by no meanes you be seene aboue -foure turnes; but in the fift make your selfe away, -either in some of the / Sempsters' shops, the new -Tobacco-office, or amongst the Booke-sellers, where, -if you cannot reade, exercise your smoake, and inquire -who has writ against this diuine weede, &c. -For this withdrawing your selfe a little, will much -benefite your suit, which else, by too long walking, -would be stale to the whole spectators: but howsoeuer -if Powles Jacks bee once vp with their -elbowes, and quarrelling to strike eleuen, as soone as -euer the clock has parted them, and ended the fray -with his hammer, let not the Dukes gallery conteyne -you any longer, but passe away apace in open view. -In which departure, if by chance you either encounter, -or aloofe off throw your inquisitiue eye vpon any -knight or Squire, being your familiar, salute him not -by his name of Sir such a one, or so, but call him -_Ned_, or _Jack_, &c. This will set off your estimation -with great men: and if (tho there be a dozen companies -betweene you, tis the better) hee call aloud to -you (for thats most gentile), to know where he shall -find you at two a clock, tell him at such an Ordinary, -or such, and bee sure to name those that are deerest: -and whither none but your Gallants resort. After -dinner you may appeare againe, hauing translated -yourselfe out of your English cloth cloak, into a light -Turky-grogram (if you haue that happinesse of shifting) -and then be seene (for a turne or two) to correct -your teeth with some quill or siluer instrument, and -to cleanse your gummes with a wrought handkercher: -It skilles not whether you dinde or no (thats best -knowne to your stomach) or in what place you dinde, -though it were with cheese (of your owne mother's -making) in your chamber or study. - -Now if you chance to be a Gallant not much crost -among Citizens, that is, a Gallant in the Mercers -bookes, exalted for Sattens and veluets, if you be not -so much blest to bee crost as I hold it the greatest -blessing in the world, to bee great in no mans -bookes) your Powles walke is your onely refuge: the -Dukes Tomb is a Sanctuary, and will keepe you aliue -from wormes and land-rattes, that long to be feeding -on your carkas: there you may spend your legs in -winter a whole after-noone: conuerse, plot, laugh, -and talke any thing, iest at your Creditor, euen to -his face, and in the euening, euen by lamp-light, -steale out, and so cozen a whole couy of abhominable -catch-pols. Neuer / be seene to mount the steppes -into the quire, but vpon a high Festiuall day, to -preferre the fashion of your doublet, and especially -if the singing-boyes seeme to take note of you: for -they are able to buzze your praises aboue their -_Anthems_, if their voyces haue not lost their maiden-heads: -but be sure your siluer spurres dog your -heeles, and then the Boyes will swarme about you -like so many white butter-flyes, when you in the open -Quire shall drawe forth a perfumed embrodred purse -(the glorious sight of which will entice many Countrymen -from their deuotion to wondering) and quoyt -siluer into the Boyes handes, that it may be heard -aboue the first lesson, although it be reade in a voyce -as big as one of the great Organs. - -This noble and notable Act being performed, you -are to vanish presently out of the Quire, and to -appeare againe in the walk: But in any wise be not -obserued to tread there long alone: for feare you be -suspected to be a Gallant casheerd from the society -of _Captens_ and _Fighters_. - -Sucke this humour vp especially. Put off to -none, vnlesse his hatband be of a newer fashion then -yours, and three degrees quainter: but for him that -weares a trebled cipers about his hatte (though he -were an Aldermans sonne) neuer moue to him: for -hees suspected to be worse then a _Gull_, and not -worth the putting off to, that cannot obserue the -time of his hatband, nor know what fashioned block -is most kin to his head: for, in my opinion, ye -braine that cannot choose his Felt well (being the -head ornament) must needes powre folly into all the -rest of the members, and be an absolute confirmed -Foole in _Summa Totali_. - -All the diseased horses in a tedious siege cannot -shew so many fashions, as are to be seene for nothing, -euery day, in Duke _Humfryes walke_. If therefore -you determine to enter into a new suit, warne your -Tailor to attend you in Powles, who, with his hat in -his hand, shall like a spy discouer the stuffe, colour, -and fashion of any doublet, or hose that dare be seene -there, and stepping behind a piller to fill his table-bookes -with those notes, will presently send you into -the world an accomplisht man: by which meanes you -shall weare your clothes in print with the first edition. -But / if Fortune fauour you so much as to make you -no more then a meere country gentleman, or but -some three degrees remoud from him (for which I -should be very sorie, because your London-experience -wil cost you deere before you shall haue ye wit to -know what you are) then take this lesson along with -you: The first time that you venture into Powles, -passe through the body of the Church like a Porter, -yet presume not to fetch so much as one whole turne -in the middle Ile, no nor to cast an eye to _Si quis_ -doore (pasted and plaistered vp with Seruing-mens -_supplications_) before you haue paid tribute to the top -of Powles _steeple_ with a single penny: And when you -are mounted there, take heede how you looke downe -into the yard; for the railes are as rotten as your -great-Grandfather; and thereupon it will not be -amisse if you enquire how _Kit Woodroffe_ durst vault -ouer, and what reason he had for it, to put his necke -in hazard of reparations. From hence you may -descend, to talke about the horse that went vp, and -striue, if you can, to know his keeper: take the day -of the Moneth, and the number of the steppes, and -suffer yourselfe to belieue verily that it was not a -horse, but something else in the likenesse of one: -which wonders you may publish, when you returne -into the country, to the great amazement of all -Farmers Daughters, that will almost swound at the -report, and neuer recouer till their banes bee asked -twice in the Church. - -But I haue not left you yet. Before you come -downe againe, I would desire you to draw your knife, -and graue your name (or, for want of a name, the -marke, which you clap on your sheep) in great -Characters vpon the leades, by a number of your -brethren (both Citizens and country Gentlemen), and -so you shall be sure to haue your name lye in a -coffin of lead, when yourselfe shall be wrapt in a -winding-sheete: and indeed the top of Powles conteins -more names then _Stowes_ Chronicle. These -lofty tricks being plaid, and you (thanks to your -feete) being safely ariued at the staires foote againe, -your next worthy worke is, to repaire to my lord -_Chancellors Tomb_ (and, if you can but reasonably -bestow some time vpon ye reading of Sir -_Phillip Sydneyes_ briefe Epitaph; in the compasse of -an houre you may make shift to stumble it out. The -great dyal is, your last monument: there bestow / -some halfe of the threescore minutes, to obserue the -sawciness of the Jaikes that are aboue the man in -the moone there; the strangenesse of the motion will -quit your labour. Besides, you may heere haue fit -occasion to discouer your watch, by taking it forth, -and setting the wheeles to the time of Powles, which, -I assure you, goes truer by fiue notes then S. _Sepulchers_ -Chimes. The benefit that wil arise from hence is -this, that you publish your charge in maintaining a -gilded clocke; and withall the world shall know that -you are a time-pleaser. By this I imagine you haue -walkt your belly ful, and thereupon being weary, or -(which rather I beleeue) being most Gentlemanlike -hungry, it is fit that I brought you into the Duke; so -(because he followes the fashion of great men, in -keeping no house, and that therefore you must go -seeke your dinner) suffer me to take you by the hand, -and lead you into an Ordinary. - - -CHAPTER V - -How a yong Gallant should behaue himselfe in an Ordinary. - -FIRST, hauing diligently enquired out an Ordinary of -the largest reckoning, whither most of your Courtly -Gallants do resort, let it be your vse to repaire thither -some halfe houre after eleuen; for then you shall -find most of your fashionmongers planted in the -roome waiting for meate. Ride thither vpon your -galloway-nag, or your Spanish Jennet, a swift ambling -pace, in your hose, and doublet (gilt rapier and -poniard bestowd in their places), and your French -Lackey carrying your cloake, and running before -you; or rather in a coach, for that will both hide -you from the basiliske-eyes of your creditors, and -outrun a whole kennell of bitter-mouthed Sergeants. - -Being arriued in the roome, salute not any but -those of your acquaintance: walke up and downe by -the rest as scornfully and as carelesly as a Gentleman-Usher: -Select some friend (hauing first throwne off -your cloake) to walke vp and downe the room with -you, let him be suited if you can, worse by farre then -your selfe, he will be a foyle to you: and this will be -a meanes to publish your clothes better than Powles, -a Tennis-court, or a Playhouse: discourse as lowd as -you can, no matter to what purpose if you but make -a noise, and laugh in fashion, and haue a good sower -face to promise quarrelling, you shall bee much -obserued. - -If you be a souldier, talke how often you haue -beene in action: as the _Portingale_ voyage, Cales -voiage, the _Iland_ voiage, besides some eight or nine -imploiments in Ireland, and the low Countries: then -you may discourse how honourably your _Graue_ vsed -you; obserue that you cal your _Graue Maurice_, your -_Graue_: How often you haue drunk with Count such -a one, and such a Count, on your knees to your -_Graues_ health: and let it bee your vertue to giue -place neither to _S. Kynock_, nor to any _Dutchman_ -whatsoeuer in the seuenteene _prouinces_, for that -Souldiers complement of drinking. And if you perceiue -that the vntrauelld company about you take -this downe well, ply them with more such stuffe, as -how you haue interpreted betweene the French King -and a great Lord of Barbary, when they haue been -drinking healthes together, and that will be an excellent -occasion to publish your languages, if you haue -them: if not, get some fragments of French, or smal -parcels of Italian, to fling about the table: but beware -how you speake any Latine there: your Ordinary -most commonly hath no more to do with Latine then -a desperate towne of Garison hath. - -If you be a Courtier, discourse of the obtaining -of Suits: of your mistresses fauours, etc. Make -inquiry, if any gentleman at boord haue any suit, to -get which he would vse ye good means of a great -mans Interest with the King: and withall (if you -haue not so much grace left in you as to blush) that -you are (thankes to your starres) in mightie credit, -though in your owne conscience you know, and are -guilty to your selfe, that you dare not (but onely -vpon the priuiledges of hansome clothes) presume to -peepe into the presence. Demand if there be any -Gentleman (whom any there is acquainted with) that -is troubled with two offices; or any Vicar with two -Church-liuings; which will politickly insinuate, that -your inquiry after them is because you haue good -means to obtaine them; yea and rather then your -tongue should not be heard in the roome, but that -you should sit (like / an Asse) with your finger in your -mouth, and speake nothing: discourse how often this -Lady hath sent her Coach for you; and how often -you have sweat in the Tennis-court with that great -Lord: for indeede the sweting together in _Fraunce_ -(I mean the society of Tennis) is a great argument -of most deere affection, euen between noblemen and -Pesants. - -If you be a Poet, and come into the Ordinary -(though it can be no great glory to be an ordinary -Poet) order yourselfe thus. Obserue no man, doff -not cap to that Gentleman to day at dinner, to -whom, not two nights since, you were beholden for -a supper; but, after a turne or two in the roome, -take occasion (pulling out your gloues) to haue some -_Epigram_, or _Satyre_, or _Sonnet_ fastned in one of them, -that may (as it were vomittingly to you) offer it selfe -to the Gentlemen: they will presently desire it: but, -without much coniuration from them, and a pretty -kind of counterfet loathnes in yourselfe, do not read -it; and though it be none of your owne, sweare you -made it. Mary, if you chaunce to get into your -hands any witty thing of another mans, that is somewhat -better, I would councell you then, if demand -bee made who composed it, you may say: faith, a -learned Gentleman, a very worthy friend. And this -seeming to lay it on another man will be counted -either modestie in you, or a signe that you are not -ambitious of praise, or else that you dare not take it -vpon you, for feare of the sharpnesse it carries with -it. Besides, it will adde much to your fame to let -your tongue walke faster then your teeth, though you -be neuer so hungry, and, rather then you should sit -like a dumb Coxcomb, to repeat by heart either some -verses of your owne, or of any other mans, stretching -euen very good lines vpon the rack of the censure: -though it be against all law, honestie, or conscience, -it may chaunce saue you the price of your Ordinary, -and beget you other _Suppliments_. Mary, I would -further intreat our Poet to be in league with the -Mistresse of the Ordinary, because from her (vpon -condition that he will but ryme knights and yong -gentlemen to her house, and maintaine the table in -good fooling) he may easily make vp his mouth at -her cost, _Gratis_. - -Thus much for particular men. But in generall -let all that are in _Ordinary_-pay, march after the -sound of these directions. Before / the meate come -smoaking to the board, our Gallant must draw out -his Tobacco-box, the ladell for the cold snuffe into -the nosthrill, the tongs and prining-Iron: All which -artillery may be of gold or siluer (if he can reach to -the price of it), it will bee a reasonable vseful pawne -at all times, when the current of his money falles out -to run low. And heere you must obserue to know -in what state Tobacco is in towne, better then the -Merchants, and to discourse of the Apottecaries -where it is to be sold and to be able to speake of -their wines, as readily as the Apottecary himselfe -reading the barbarous hand of a Doctor: then let -him shew his seuerall tricks in taking it, As the _Whiffe_, -the _Ring_, etc. For these are complements that gaine -Gentlemen no mean respect and for which indeede -they are more worthily noted, I ensure you, then for -any skill that they haue in learning. - -When you are set downe to dinner, you must eate -as impudently as can be (for thats most Gentlemanlike) -when your Knight is vpon his stewed mutton, -be presently, though you be but a capten, in the -bosome of your goose: and when your Justice of -peace is knuckle-deep in goose, you may, without -disparagement to your bloud, though you haue a -Lady to your mother, fall very manfully to your -woodcocks. - -You may rise in dinner-time to aske for a close-stoole, -protesting to all the gentlemen that it costs you -a hundred pounds a yeare in physicke, besides the -Annual pension which your wife allowes her Doctor: -and (if you please) you may (as your great French -Lord doth) inuite some speciall friend of yours, from -the table, to hold discourse with you as you sit in -that withdrawing-chamber: from whence being returned -againe to the board, you shall sharpen the -wits of all the eating Gallants about you, and doe them -great pleasure, to aske what Pamphlets or poems a -man might think fittest to wipe his taile with (mary, -this talke will be somewhat fowle if you carry not a -strong perfume about you) and, in propounding this -question, you may abuse the workes of any man; -depraue his writings that you cannot equall, and purchase -to your selfe in time the terrible name of a -seuere _Criticke_; nay, and be one of the Colledge, if -youle be liberall inough: and (when your turne comes) -pay for their suppers. - -After / dinner, euery man as his busines leades him: -some to dice, some to drabs, some to playes, some to -take vp friends in the Court, some to take vp money -in the Citty, some to lende testers in Powles, others -to borrow crownes vpon the Exchange: and thus, as -the people is sayd to bee a beast of many heads (yet -all those heads like _Hydraes_) euer growing, as various -in their hornes as wondrous in their budding and -branching, so, in an Ordinary, you shall find the -variety of a whole kingdome in a few Apes of the -kingdome. - -You must not sweare in your dicing: for that -Argues a violent impatience to depart from your -money, and in time will betray a mans neede. Take -heede of it. No! whether you be at _Primero_, or -_Hazard_, you shall sit as patiently (though you lose a -whole halfe-yeares exhibition) as a disarmd Gentleman -does when hees in the vnmerciful fingers of -Serieants. Mary, I will allow you to sweat priuatly, -and teare six or seuen score paire of cards, be the -damnation of some dozen or twenty baile of dice, -and forsweare play a thousand times in an houre, but -not sweare. Dice your selfe into your shirt: and, if -you haue a beard that your friend wil lend but an -angell vpon, shaue it off, and pawne that, rather then -to goe home blinde to your lodging. Further, it is -to be remembred, He that is a great Gamester may -be trusted for a quarters board at all times, and -apparell prouided, if neede be. - -At your tweluepenny Ordinary, you may giue any -Iustice of peace, or yong Knight (if he sit but one -degree towards the Equinoctiall of the Saltseller) -leaue to pay for the wine: and hee shall not refuse -it, though it be a weeke before the receiuing of his -quarters rent, which is a time albeit of good hope, -yet of present necessity. - -There is another Ordinary, to which your London -Vsurer, your stale Batchilor, and your thrifty Atturney -do resort: the price three pence: the roomes as full -of company as a Iaile, and indeed diuided into -seuerall wards, like the beds of an Hospital. The -complement betweene these is not much, their words -few: for the belly hath no eares: euery mans eie -heere is vpon the other mans trencher, to note -whether his fellow lurch him, or no: if they chaunce -to discourse, it is of nothing but of _Statutes_, _Bonds_, -/ _Recognizances_, _Fines_, _Recoueries_, _Audits_, _Rents_, _Subsidies_, -_Surties_, _Inclosures_, Liueries, _Inditements_, _Outlaries_, -_Feoffments_, _Iudgments_, _Commissions_, _Bankerouts_, -_Amercements_, and of such horrible matter, that when -a Lifetenant dines with his punck in the next roome, -he thinkes verily the men are coniuring. I can find -nothing at this Ordinary worthy the sitting downe -for: therefore the cloth shall be taken away, and -those that are thought good enough to be guests -heere, shall be too base to bee waiters at your Grand -Ordinary; at which your Gallant tastes these commodities. -He shall fare wel, enioy good company, -receiue all the newes ere the post can deliuer his -packet, be perfect where the best bawdy-houses stand, -proclaime his good clothes, know this man to drinke -well, that to feed grosly, the other to swaggar roughly: -he shall, if hee be minded to trauell, put out money -vpon his returne, and haue hands enough to receiue -it vpon any termes of repaiment: And no question, -if he be poore, he shall now and then light vpon -some _Gull_ or other, whom he may skelder (after the -gentile fashion) of mony: By this time the parings of -Fruit and Cheese are in the voyder, Cards and dice -lie stinking in the fire, the guests are all vp, the guilt -rapiers ready to be hangd, the French Lackquey, -and Irish Footeboy, shrugging at the doores, with -their masters hobby-horses, to ride to the new play: -thats the _Randeuous_; thither they are gallopt in post. -Let vs take a paire of Oares, and now lustily after -them. - - -CHAPTER VI - -How a Gallant should behaue himself in a Play-house. - -THE theater is your Poets Royal Exchange, vpon -which their Muses (that are now turnd to Merchants) -meeting, barter away that light commodity of words -for a lighter ware then words, _Plaudites_, and the -_breath_ of the great _Beast_; which (like the threatnings -of two Cowards) vanish all into air. _Plaiers_ and -their _Factors_, who put away the stuffe, and make the -best of it they possibly can (as indeed tis their parts -so to doe), your / Gallant, your Courtier, and your -Capten, had wont to be the soundest paymaisters; -and I thinke are still the surest chapmen: and these, -by meanes that their heades are well stockt, deale -vp[=o] this comical freight by the grosse: when your -_Groundling_, and _gallery-Commoner_ buyes his sport -by the penny, and, like a _Hagler_, is glad to vtter it -againe by retailing. - -Sithence then the place is so free in entertainment, -allowing a stoole as well to the Farmers sonne as to -your Templer: that your Stinkard has the selfe-same -libertie to be there in his Tobacco-Fumes, which -your sweet Courtier hath: and that your Car-man -and Tinker claime as strong a voice in their suffrage, -and sit to giue iudgement on the plaies life and -death, as well as the prowdest _Momus_ among the -tribe[s] of _Critick_: It is fit that hee, whom the most -tailors bils do make roome for, when he comes, -should not be basely (like a vyoll) casd vp in a -corner. - -Whether therefore the gatherers of the publique -or priuate Play-house stand to receiue the afternoones -rent, let our Gallant (hauing paid it) presently -aduance himselfe vp to the Throne of the Stage. -I meane not into the Lords roome (which is now -but the Stages Suburbs): No, those boxes, by the -iniquity of custome, conspiracy of waiting-women and -Gentlemen-Ushers, that there sweat together, and the -couetousnes of Sharers, are contemptibly thrust into -the reare, and much new Satten is there dambd, by -being smothred to death in darknesse. But on the -very Rushes where the Commedy is to daunce, yea, -and vnder the state of _Cambises_ himselfe must our -fethered _Estridge_, like a piece of Ordnance, be -planted, valiantly (because impudently) beating downe -the mewes and hisses of the opposed rascality. - -For do but cast vp a reckoning, what large -cummings-in are pursd vp by sitting on the Stage. -First a conspicuous _Eminence_ is gotten; by which -meanes, the best and most essenciall parts of a -Gallant (good cloathes, a proportionable legge, white -hand, the Persian lock, and a tollerable beard) are -perfectly reuealed. - -By sitting on the stage, you haue a signd patent -to engrosse the whole commodity of Censure; may -lawfully presume to be a Girder; and stand at the -helme to steere the passage of _scoenes_; yet / no man -shall once offer to hinder you from obtaining the -title of an insolent, ouer-weening Coxcombe. - -By sitting on the stage, you may (without trauelling -for it) at the very next doore aske whose play it -is: and, by that _Quest_ of _Inquiry_, the law warrants -you to auoid much mistaking: if you know not ye -author, you may raile against him: and peraduenture -so behaue your selfe, that you may enforce the Author -to know you. - -By sitting on the stage, if you be a Knight, you -may happily get you a Mistresse: if a mere _Fleet-street_ -Gentleman, a wife: but assure yourselfe, by -continuall residence, you are the first and principall -man in election to begin the number of _We three_. - -By spreading your body on the stage, and by -being a Iustice in examining of plaies, you shall put -your selfe into such true _scoenical_ authority, that some -Poet shall not dare to present his Muse rudely vpon -your eyes, without hauing first vnmaskt her, rifled -her, and discouered all her bare and most mysticall -parts before you at a tauerne, when you most knightly -shal, for his paines, pay for both their suppers. - -By sitting on the stage, you may (with small cost) -purchase the deere acquaintance of the boyes: haue -a good stoole for sixpence: at any time know what -particular part any of the infants present: get your -match lighted, examine the play-suits lace, and perhaps -win wagers vpon laying tis copper, &c. And -to conclude, whether you be a foole or a Justice of -peace, a Cuckold, or a Capten, a Lord-Maiors sonne, -or a dawcocke, a knaue, or an vnder Sheriffe; of -what stamp soeuer you be, currant, or counterfet, the -Stage, like time, will bring you to most perfect light -and lay you open: neither are you to be hunted -from thence, though the Scarcrows in the yard hoot -at you, hisse at you, spit at you, yea, throw durt euen -in your teeth: tis most Gentlemanlike patience to -endure all this, and to laugh at the silly Animals: -but if the _Rabble_, with a full throat, crie, away with -the foole, you were worse then a madman to tarry by -it: for the Gentleman and the foole should neuer sit -on the Stage together. - -Mary, let this obseruation go hand in hand with -the rest: or rather, like a country-seruing-man, some -fiue yards before them. Present / not your selfe on -the Stage (especially at a new play) vntill the quaking -prologue hath (by rubbing) got culor into his cheekes, -and is ready to giue the trumpets their Cue, that hees -vpon point to enter: for then it is time, as though -you were one of the _properties_, or that you dropt out -of ye _Hangings_, to creepe from behind the Arras, -with your _Tripos_ or three-footed stoole in one hand, -and a teston mounted betweene a forefinger and a -thumbe in the other: for if you should bestow your -person vpon the vulgar, when the belly of the house -is but halfe full, your apparell is quite eaten vp, the -fashion lost, and the proportion of your body in more -danger to be deuoured then if it were serued vp in -the Counter amongst the Powltry: auoid that as you -would the Bastome. It shall crowne you with rich commendation -to laugh alowd in the middest of the most -serious and saddest scene of the terriblest Tragedy: -and to let that clapper (your tongue) be tost so high, -that all the house may ring of it: your Lords vse it; -your Knights are Apes to the Lords, and do so too: -your Inne-a-court-man is Zany to the Knights, and -(mary very scuruily) comes likewise limping after it: -bee thou a beagle to them all, and neuer lin snuffing, -till you haue scented them: for by talking and laughing -(like a Plough-man in a Morris) you heap _Pelion_ -vpon _Ossa_, glory vpon glory: As first, all the eyes in -the galleries will leaue walking after the Players, and -onely follow you: the simplest dolt in the house -snatches vp your name, and when he meetes you in -the streetes, or that you fall into his hands in the -middle of a Watch, his word shall be taken for you: -heele cry _Hees such a gallant_, and you passe. -Secondly, you publish your temperance to the world, -in that you seeme not to resort thither to taste vaine -pleasures with a hungrie appetite: but onely as a -Gentleman to spend a foolish houre or two, because -yoe can doe nothing else: Thirdly, you mightily -disrelish the Audience, and disgrace the Author: -marry, you take vp (though it be at the worst hand) -a strong opinion of your owne iudgement, and inforce -the Poet to take pity of your weakenesse, and, by -some dedicated sonnet, to bring you into a better -paradice, onely to stop your mouth. - -If you can (either for loue or money) prouide -your selfe a lodging by the water-side: for, aboue -the conuenience it brings to / shun Shoulder-clapping, -and to ship away your Cockatrice betimes in the -morning, it addes a kind of state vnto you, to be -carried from thence to the staires of your Playhouse: -hate a Sculler (remember that) worse then to be -acquainted with one o' th' Scullery. No, your Oares -are your onely Sea-crabs, boord them, and take heed -you neuer go twice together with one paire: often -shifting is a great credit to Gentlemen; and that -diuiding of your fare wil make the poore watersnaks -be ready to pul you in peeces to enioy your custome: -No matter whether vpon landing, you haue money or -no: you may swim in twentie of their boates ouer -the riuer upon _Ticket_: mary, when siluer comes in, -remember to pay trebble their fare, and it will make -your Flounder-catchers to send more thankes after -you, when you doe not draw, then when you doe; -for they know, It will be their owne another daie. - -Before the Play begins, fall to cardes: you may -win or loose (as _Fencers_ doe in a prize) and beate -one another by confederacie, yet share the money -when you meete at supper: notwithstanding, to gul -the _Ragga-muffins_ that stand aloofe gaping at you, -throw the cards (hauing first torne foure or fiue of -them) round about the Stage, iust vpon the third -sound, as though you had lost: it skils not if the -foure knaues ly on their backs, and outface the -Audience; theres none such fooles as dare take -exceptions at them, because, ere the play go off, -better knaues than they will fall into the company. - -Now sir, if the writer be a fellow that hath either -epigrammd you, or hath had a flirt at your mistris, or -hath brought either your feather, or your red beard, -or your little legs, &c. on the stage, you shall disgrace -him worse then by tossing him in a blancket, or -giuing him the bastinado in a Tauerne, if, in the -middle of his play (bee it Pastoral or Comedy, -Morall or Tragedie), you rise with a screwd and discontented -face from your stoole to be gone: no -matter whether the Scenes be good or no; the better -they are the worse do you distast them: and, beeing -on your feet, sneake not away like a coward, but -salute all your gentle acquaintance, that are spred -either on the rushes, or on stooles about you, and -draw what troope you can from the stage after you: -the _Mimicks_ are beholden to you, for allowing them / -elbow roome: their Poet cries, perhaps, a pox go with -you, but care not for that, theres no musick without -frets. - -Mary, if either the company, or indisposition of -the weather binde you to sit it out, my counsell is -then that you turne plain Ape, take vp a rush, and -tickle the earnest eares of your fellow gallants, to -make other fooles fall a laughing: mewe at passionate -speeches, blare at merrie, finde fault with the -musicke, whew at the childrens Action, whistle at the -songs: and aboue all, curse the sharers, that whereas -the same day you had bestowed forty shillings on an -embrodered Felt and Feather (scotch-fashion) for -your mistres in the Court, or your punck in the city, -within two houres after, you encounter with the very -same block on the stage, when the haberdasher -swore to you the impression was extant but that -morning. - -To conclude, hoard vp the finest play-scraps you -can get, vpon which your leane wit may most sauourly -feede, for want of other stuffe, when the _Arcadian_ -and _Euphuizd_ gentlewomen haue their tongues -sharpened to set vpon you: that qualitie (next to -your shittlecocke) is the onely furniture to a Courtier -thats but a new beginner, and is but in his A B C of -complement. The next places that are fild, after -the Playhouses bee emptied, are (or ought to be) -Tauernes: into a Tauerne then let vs next march, -where the braines of one Hogshead must be beaten -out to make vp another. - - -CHAPTER VII - -How a Gallant should behaue himself in a Tauerne. - -WHOSOEUER desires to bee a man of good reckoning -in the Cittie, and (like your French Lord) to haue -as many tables furnisht as Lackies (who, when they -keepe least, keepe none), whether he be a yong _Quat_ -of the first yeeres reuennew, or some austere and -sullen-facd steward, who (in despight of a great beard, -a satten suite, and a chaine of gold wrapt in cipers) -proclaimes himselfe to any (but to those to whom -his Lord owes money) for a ranck coxcombe, or -whether he be a country gentleman, that brings his / -wife vp to learne the fashion, see the Tombs at Westminster, -the Lyons in the Tower, or to take physicke; -or else is some yong Farmer, who many times makes -his wife (in the country) beleeue he hath suits in law, -because he will come vp to his letchery: be he of -what stamp he will that hath money in his purse, and -a good conscience to spend it, my councell is that -hee take his continuall diet at a Tauerne, which (out -of question) is the onely _Rende-vous_ of boone company; -and the Drawers the most nimble, the most -bold, and most sudden proclaimers of your largest -bounty. - -Hauing therefore thrust your selfe into a case -most in fashion (how coarse soeuer the stuffe be, tis -no matter so it hold fashion), your office is (if you -meane to do your iudgment right) to enquire out -those Tauernes which are best customd, whose -maisters are oftenest drunk (for that confirmes their -taste, and that they choose wholesome wines), and -such as stand furthest from ye counters; where, -landing yourself and your followers, your first complement -shall be to grow most inwardly acquainted -with the drawers, to learne their names, as _Iack_, and -_Will_, and _Tom_, to diue into their inclinations, as -whether this fellow vseth to the Fencing Schoole, this -to the Dauncing Schoole; whether that yong coniurer -(in Hogsheads) at midnight keepes a Gelding -now and then to visit his Cockatrice, or whether he -loue dogs, or be addicted to any other eminent and -Citizen-like quality: and protest your selfe to be -extreamely in loue, and that you spend much money -in a yeare, vpon any one of those exercises which -you perceiue is followed by them. The vse which -you shall make of this familiarity is this: If you want -money fiue or six daies together, you may still pay -the reckoning with this most Gentlemanlike language, -_Boy, fetch me money from the barre_, and keepe yourself -most prouidently from a hungry melancholy in -your chamber. Besides, you shal be sure (if there be -but one fawcet that can betray neate wine to the -barre) to haue that arraignd before you, sooner then -a better and worthier person. - -The first question you are to make (after the discharging -of your pocket of Tobacco and pipes, and -the houshold stuffe thereto belonging) shall be for an -inuentorie of the Kitchen: for it were / more then -most Tailor-like, and to be suspected you were in -league with some Kitchen-wench, to descend your -selfe, to offend your stomach with the sight of the -Larder, and happily to grease your Accoustrements. -Hauing therefore receiued this bill, you shall (like a -capten putting vp deere paies) haue many Sallads -stand on your table, as it were for blankes to the -other more seruiceable dishes: and according to the -time of the yeare, vary your fare, as Capon is a stirring -meate sometime, Oysters are a swelling meate -sometimes, Trowt a tickling meate sometimes, greene -Goose, and Woodcock, a delicate meate sometimes, -especially in a Tauerne, where you shall sit in as -great state as a Church-warden amongst his poore -Parishioners, at _Pentecost_ or _Christmas_. - -For your drinke, let not your Physitian confine -you to any one particular liquor: for as it is requisite -that a Gentleman should not alwaies be plodding in -one Art, but rather bee a generall Scholler (that is, to -haue a licke at all sorts of learning, and away) so tis -not fitting a man should trouble his head with sucking -at one Grape, but that he may be able (now there is -a generall peace) to drink any stranger drunke in -his owne element of drinke, or more properly in his -owne mist language. - -Your discourse at the table must be such as that -which you vtter at your Ordinary: your behauiour -the same, but somewhat more carelesse: for where -your expence is great, let your modesty be lesse: -and, though you should be mad in a Tauerne, the -largenesse of the _Items_ will beare with your inciuility: -you may, without prick to your conscience, set the -want of your wit against the superfluity and saucines -of their reckonings. - -If you desire not to be haunted with _Fidlers_ (who -by the statute haue as much libertie as _Roagues_ to -trauell into any place, hauing the pasport of the -house about them) bring then no women along with -you: but if you loue the company of all the drawers, -neuer sup without your Cockatrice: for, hauing her -there, you shall be sure of most officious attendance. -Enquire what Gallants sup in the next roome, and if -they be any of your acquaintance, do not you (after -the City fashion) send them in a pottle of wine, and -your name, sweetned in two pittiful papers of Suger, -with some filthy Apology cramd into the mouth of / a -drawer; but rather keepe a boy in fee, who vnderhand -shall proclaime you in euery roome, what a -gallant fellow you are, how much you spend yearely -in Tauernes, what a great gamester, what custome -you bring to the house, in what witty discourse you -maintaine a table, what Gentlewomen or Cittizens -wiues you can with a wet finger haue at any time to -sup with you, and such like. By which _Encomiasticks_ -of his, they that know you shall admire you, -and thinke themselues to bee brought into a paradice -but to be meanely in your acquaintance; and -if any of your endeered friends be in the house, and -beate the same Iuybush that your selfe does, you -may ioyne companies, and bee drunke together most -publikly. - -But in such a deluge of drinke, take heede that -no man counterfeit him selfe drunck, to free his -purse from the danger of the shot: tis a usuall thing -now amongst gentlemen; it had wont bee the quality -of Cocknies: I would aduise you to leaue so much -braines in your head as to preuent this. When the -terrible Reckoning (like an inditement) bids you hold -vp your hand, and that you must answere it at the -barre, you must not abate one penny in any particular, -no, though they reckon cheese to you, when -you haue neither eaten any, nor could euer abide it, -raw or toasted: but cast your eie onely vpon the -_Totalis_, and no further; for to trauerse the bill would -betray you to be acquainted with the rates of the -market, nay more, it would make the Vintners beleeue -you were _Pater familias_, and kept a house; which, I -assure you, is not now in fashion. - -If you fall to dice after Supper, let the drawers -be as familiar with you as your Barber, and venture -their siluer amongst you; no matter where they had -it: you are to cherish the vnthriftinesse of such yong -tame pigions, if you be a right gentleman: for when -two are yoakt together by the purse strings, and draw -the _Chariot_ of Madam _Prodigalitie_, when one faints -in the way and slips his hornes, let the other reioice -and laugh at him. - -At your departure forth the house, to kiss mine -Hostis ouer the barre, or to accept of the courtesie -of the Celler when tis offered you by the drawers, -and you must know that kindnes neuer creepes vpon -them, but when they see you almost cleft to the -shoulders, or to bid any of the Vintners good night, -is as commendable, as for a Barber after trimming to -laue your face with sweete water. - -To conclude, count it an honour, either to inuite -or be inuited to any Rifling: for commonly, though -you finde much satten there, yet you shall likewise -finde many cittizens sonnes, and heirs, and yonger -brothers there, who smell out such feasts more -greedily then taylors h[=u]t upon sundaies after weddings. -And let any hooke draw you either to a -Fencers supper, or to a Players that acts such a -part for a wager; for by this meanes you shall get -experience, by beeing guilty to their abhominable -shauing. - - -CHAPTER VIII - -How a Gallant is to behaue himselfe passing through the -Cittie, at all houres of the night, and how to passe by any -watch. - -AFTER the sound of pottle-pots is out of your eares, -and that the spirit of Wine and Tobacco walkes in -your braine, the Tauerne door being shut vppon -your backe, cast about to passe through the widest -and goodliest streetes in the Cittie. And if your -meanes cannot reach to the keeping of a boy, hire -one of the drawers, to be as a lanthorne vnto your -feete, and to light you home: and, still as you -approch neere any night-walker that is vp as late as -yourselfe curse and swear (like one that speaks hie -dutch) in a lofty voice, because your men haue vsd -you so like a rascoll in not waiting vpon you, and -vow the next morning to pull their blew cases ouer -their eares, though, if your chamber were well searcht, -you giue onely six pence a weeke to some old woman -to make your bed, and that she is all the seruing-creatures -you giue wages to. If you smell a watch -(and that you may easily doe, for commonly they -eate onions to keep them in sleeping, which they -account a medicine against cold) or, if you come -within danger of their browne bils, let him that is -your candlestick, and holds vp your torch from dropping -(for to march after a linck is shoomaker-like), -let _Ignis Fatuus_, I say, being within the reach of the -Constables staffe, aske aloud, _Sir Giles_, or _Sir -Abram_, will you turne this way, or downe that -streete? It skils not, though there be none dubd -in your Bunch; the watch will winke at you, onely -for the loue they beare to armes and knighthood: -mary, if the Centinell and his court of Guard stand -strictly vpon his martiall Law and cry stand, c[=o]manding -you to giue the word, and to shew reason why -your Ghost walkes so late, doe it in some Jest (for -that will shew you haue a desperate wit, and perhaps -make him and his halberdiers afraid to lay fowle -hands vpon you) or, if you read a mittimus in the -Constables booke, counterfeit to be a Frenchman, a -Dutchman, or any other nation whose country is in -peace with your owne; and you may passe the pikes: -for beeing not able to vnderstand you, they cannot -by the customes of the Citie take your examination, -and so by consequence they haue nothing to say to -you. - -If the night be old, and that your lodging be -some place into which no Artillery of words can -make a breach, retire, and rather assault the dores of -your punck, or (not to speak broken English) your -sweete mistris, vpon whose white bosome you may -languishingly consume the rest of darknesse that is -left, in rauishing (though not restoratiue) pleasures, -without expenses, onely by vertue of foure or fiue -oathes (when the siege breakes vp, and at your -marching away with bag and baggage) that the last -night you were at dice, and lost so much in gold, so -much in siluer; and seeme to vex most that two -such _Elizabeth_ twenty-shilling peeces, or foure such -spur-ryals (sent you with a cheese and a bakt meate -from your mother) rid away amongst the rest. By -which tragicall yet pollitick speech, you may not only -haue your nighte worke done _Gratis_, but also you -may take dyet there the next day, and depart with -credit, onely upon the bare word of a Gentleman to -make her restitution. - -All the way as you passe (especially being approcht -neere some of the Gates) talk of none but Lords, and -such Ladies with whom you haue plaid at _Primero_, -or daunced in the Presence the very same day. It -is a chaunce to lock vp the lippes of an inquisitiue -Bel-man: and being arriued at your lodging doore, -which I would councell you to choose in some rich -Cittizens house, salute at parting no man but by the -name of Sir (as though you had supt with Knights) -albeit you had none in your company but your -_Perinado_, or your _Inghle_. - -Happily it will be blowne abroad, that you and -your Shoale of Gallants swum through such an Ocean -of wine, that you danced so much money out at -heeles, and that in wild-foule there flew away thus -much: and I assure you, to haue the bill of your -reckoning lost of purpose, so that it may be publisht, -will make you to be held in deere estimation: onely -the danger is, if you owe money, and that your reuealing -gets your Creditors by the eares; for then looke to -haue a peal of ordinance thundring at your chamber -doore the next morning. But if either your Tailor, -Mercer, Haberdasher, Silkeman, Cutter, Linen Draper, -or Sempster, stand like a guard of _Switzers_ about -your lodging, watching your vprising, or, if they misse -of that, your down lying in one of the Counters, you -haue no meanes to auoid the galling of their small-shot, -then by sending out a light-horseman to call -your Apotecary to your aide, who, encountring this -desperate band of your Creditors, onely with two or -three glasses in his hand, as though that day you -purgd, is able to driue them all to their holes like -so many Foxes: for the name of taking physicke is -a sufficient _Quietus est_ to any endangered Gentleman, -and giues an acquittance (for the time) to them all, -though the twelue Companies stand with their hoods -to attend your comming forth and their Officers with -them. - -I could now fetch you about noone (the houre -which I prescribed you before to rise at) out of your -chamber, and carry you with mee into _Paules Church-yard_; -where planting your selfe in a Stationers shop, -many instructions are to bee giuen you, what bookes -to call for, how to censure of new bookes, how to -mew at the old, how to looke in your tables and -inquire for such and such _Greeke_, _French_, _Italian_, or -_Spanish_ Authors, whose names you haue there, but -whom your mother for pitty would not giue you so -much wit as to vnderstand. From thence you should -blow your selfe into the Tobacco-Ordinary, where -you are likewise to spend your iudgment (like a -_Quack-saluer_) vpon that mysticall wonder, to bee able -to discourse whether your _Cane_ or your Pudding be -sweetest, and which pipe has the best boare, and -which burnes black, which breakes in the burning, -&c. Or, if you itch to step into the Barbers, a -whole _Dictionary_ cannot afford more words to set -downe notes what _Dialogues_ you are to maintaine -whilest you are Doctor of the Chaire there. After -your shauing, I could breath you in a _Fence-schoole_, -and out of that cudgell you into a _Dauncing schoole_, -in both which I could weary you, by shewing you -more tricks then are in fiue galleries, or fifteen prizes. -And, to close vp the stomach of this feast, I could -make Cockneies, whose fathers haue left them well, -acknowledge themselues infinitely beholden to me, -for teaching them by familiar demonstration how to -spend their patrimony and to get themselues names, -when their fathers are dead and rotten. But lest -too many dishes should cast into a surfet, I will now -take away; yet so that, if I perceiue you relish this -well, the rest shall be (in time) prepared for you. -_Fare-well._ - - - - -NOTES - - -P. 2. - -_The Rubie._--This is the famous and characteristic note of -Euphuism--the accumulation of similes from natural history, -or what was taken for natural history. It can hardly be necessary -to take note of each of these; still less of the abundant -classical allusions which any one acquainted with the classics -will understand at once, and which could only be explained to -others by loading these notes with lumps of Lempriere. Nor -will any one find much difficulty in the language if he remembers -that 'then' and 'than,' 'there' and 'their,' 'wayed' and -'weighed,' were written, or at least printed, in those days -according to the liberal standard of the taste and fancy of the -speller. In case of any difficulty, reading the word aloud -will generally solve it. In a few instances, however, it may be -well to gloss a little more specially. - -_M._--I am not sure what this abbreviates. 'Master,' for -which it is the commonest sign, would do. - -_Oftscome_ = 'off-scum,' 'off-scouring.' - - -P. 3. - -_Find faulte_ is rather a loss: it is better than 'fault-finder.' - -_Closset._--This refers to the famous copy of Homer called -[Greek: e ek tou narthekos], which Alexander carried about with him in a -sumptuous _narthex_--a portable medicine-case. - -_Bourde_ = 'jest.' - - -P. 5. - -_Parson_ and 'person,' interchangeably. - -_Cirpo_, rather _scirpo_. - - -P. 6. - -_Denocated._--A mistake for either 'denotated' or 'devocated,' -both possible and easily intelligible words. - -_Werish_ = 'wersh,' 'weak,' 'sickly.' - - -P. 7. - -_Predictam_ of course should be _praeditam_. - -_Presisnes_, for 'preciseness,' is a good example of the quaint -tricks played by phonetics. - - -P. 8. - -_Gale_ = gall = (in next line) _fel_. - -_Player._--Before his 'conversion' Gosson had himself had -much to do with the theatre. - - -P. 11. - -_Plotinus._--Either Lodge or his printer has made nonsense -of this. For 'Plotinus' read 'Plautus.' - - -P. 12. - -_Saphier._--Evident misprint for 'Sapphic.' - - -P. 16. - -The quotation has been set right in some obvious matters, -though not materially altered. In the second line of the English -version 'with' should no doubt be 'which,' 'wh.' being -the abbreviation for both. - - -P. 17. - -Tyrtaeus may perhaps be hid to some under his disguise of -_Tirtheus_, which on p. 20 becomes _Tirthetus_. - - -P. 18. - -_Quinque_ for _quique_ is very funny. - - -P. 19. - -_Stare_ = 'star,' 'mole.' - - -P. 20. - -_Acuate_ = 'sharpened,' 'spurred on.' - - -P. 22. - -It is noteworthy that Lodge is much more eloquent and -much more urgent in defence of music than of poetry, and -indeed the _melomania_ of the Elizabethans is well known. - - -P. 25. - -_Buggs_ = 'bugbears.' - -_Pavions_ = 'pavone' or 'pavine,' the well-known stately -'peacock-dance' of the time. - -_Dump._--Not merely as now used, 'a fit of melancholy,' but -'a melancholy tune,' and even a dance. - - -P. 33. - -_Your (Gosson) for exempting._--'Your' may be mere carelessness -for 'you,' or Lodge may have at one time meant to -write, 'your exempting yourself.' - - -P. 38. - -Last line of quotation of course _contemnas_ and _nam_. - - -P. 41. - -Probably the printer gave _Silius Italicus_ his _v_. - - -P. 44. - -_Pappe with an hatchet_ has been much discussed. The sense, -which is not unlike 'giving him his gruel,' is clear enough, and -any number of explanations of the form occur. - -_Patch._ Cf. Shylock's 'The _patch_ is kindly.' - - -P. 45. - -_Huffe, Ruffe, and Snuffe._--Characters in Preston's _Cambyses_. -It cannot be necessary to annotate each of the plays on words -of which "grating" for "greeting" is the first, and which -occur throughout. - - -P. 46. - -_Ale dagger_, may refer to the custom of drinking with swords -on the table. - - -P. 47. - -_Scaddle_ is unannotated by Mr. Maskell, and does not appear -in other dictionaries, even in that of Professor Skeat. But that -excellent scholar, with his usual kindness, has given me a note -on it. It is the A.S. _scadol_ from 'scathe,' and means 'mischievous,' -with a secondary sense of 'thievish,' and a tertiary -one of 'timid' or 'skulking.' It is here probably used in a -combination of all these. - -_Dydoppers_ = 'didappers,' 'dabchicks.' - - -P. 51. - -_Bastard_ senior and junior are polite references to _Martin_ -senior and _Martin_ junior, two of the pseudonyms set to the -Marprelate pamphlets. - - -P. 52. - -_Elderton._--A theatrical manager. - - -P. 53. - -_Three a vies._--A 'vie' is a single stake or game at cards, -or anything else. 'Three a vies' therefore equals our 'best of -three.' 'Passage,' a game with dice. 'Stabbing' was a form -of cogging. 'Cater-tray,' four and three. 'Cater-caps,' -trencher-caps. - - -P. 54. - -_Dicker of leather._--A bundle of ten skins. - -_Woodsere._--Probably, as Mr. Maskell suggests, the sap that -sputters from green faggots. - - -P. 56. - -_Lambacke_ = 'thrash.' - - -P. 58. - -_Bull._--Perhaps the hangman. - - -P. 64. - -_Aptots_ = 'Indeclinables.' - - -P. 65. - -_Naeme_, also 'eme' or 'eame' = 'uncle.' - - -P. 66. - -_Kixes_ or kexes.--Dry stalks of hemlock. - - -P. 68. - -_Pistle._--The common shortened form for 'epistle' much -used by the Martinists. - - -P. 71. - -_Liripoope._--The _liripipium_, or long academic hood. - -_Chiuerell_ = 'doe-leather.' - - -P. 72. - -_Comedies._--Anti-Martinist plays are known to have existed, -but are quite lost. - - -P. 76. - -_Muzroule_ or musroule.--A nose-band. - -_Port mouth._--I presume a kind of twitch. - -_Mubble fubbles_ = 'dumps,' 'blues.' - - -P. 77. - -_Hauncing_ = 'tipping.' - - -P. 79. - -_Celarent_ and _ferio_.--This play on the _memoria technica_ of -logical mood and figure is ingenious. - -_Ora whine meg._--Sometimes given as 'Over a whinny meg.' -Name of a tune. - - -P. 80. - -_Bullen._--A vigorous pamphleteer of the preceding age. - - -P. 84. - -Title. _Wit and Will_ is the first of the 'five discourses.' -Below, in the second motto, 'Vir_e_s' should of course be 'vir_u_s,' -being no doubt a mere misprint. - - -P. 86. - -_Gods forbod._--Dr. Grosart 'forbobod,' which appears a -_vox nihili_. 'Past all gods forbod' seems to be pretty much = our -'past all praying for.' - - -P. 88. - -_Then_ (as constantly and not to be noticed hereafter) = 'than.' - - -P. 90. - -_Byrd._ Apparently not in the sense in which 'byrd' or 'burd' -is used by the ballad poets, for that is always of a girl, and -Will is 'he.' - - -P. 100. - - -_Buts length._--The ordinary distance between targets. - -_Flights shotte._--As far as the bow will carry. - - -P. 102. - -_Wood_ = 'mad.' - - -P. 109. - -Will's Latin here and elsewhere is a good deal better than -his modern languages. - - -P. 111. - -_Corsi[v]e_ = 'corrosive,' something that frets and worries. - - -P. 116. - -_Vir esset_, for _virescit_ apparently. - - -P. 134. - -_Labra_, copies _labe_; either a mere misprint or a blunder for -_labea_ = _labia_, regardless of the verse. Latin is often very carelessly -printed in these tracts. - - -P. 135. - -_Gray_ = 'badger,' from its colour. - - -P. 136. - -_Wearied._--'Weary' and 'worry' have no real connection, -but the former is close in spelling and sound to 'wirian,' the -O.E. form of the latter. - - -P. 141. - -_Tables_ = 'backgammon.' - - -P. 148. - -_Nips_, etc., cant names for different classes of sharpers and -thieves. - - -P. 149. - -_Ball._--Said to be a play on the proper name of Greene's -mistress and her brother. - - -P. 150. - -_Place_ = '_locus_,' text or citation. - - -P. 155. - -The allotment and discussion of the parts in this tirade as -belonging to Marlowe and others of the earlier contemporaries -of Shakespeare have employed much ink, and need no more. - - -P. 156. - -_Young Iuuenall_ is apparently Lodge: 'thou no lesse deseruing' -Peele. - - -P. 166. - -_Barnabe Barnes_, the author of _Parthenophil and Parthenophe_, -was no despicable minor poet; the others were less known to -fame, and a future page (175) tells most that is known about -them. - - -P. 175. - -_Clarentius_ = 'Clarencieux.'? - - -P. 187. - -_Exitat_ = 'excitate,' incite. - - -P. 188. - -_Ale cunners._--'Conners or kenners,' the official inspectors of -Beer. - - -P. 192. - -A _reache_ is an advantage. By 'fiue and a reache,' either -card and dice sharping or pocket-picking must be meant. - - -P. 193. - -_Pullin_ = 'poultry.' - - -P. 194. - -_Hoffes_ = '_hof_,' house. - - -P. 195. - -Here Nash takes his customary side in the Marprelate -business. - - -P. 196. - -_Ram Alley_, the great locality for cook-shops. - - -P. 198. - -The _Old Swanne_, still known on the river as a pier and -starting-place. - - -P. 199. - -_Heart at grasse_ = 'heart of grace.' - -_Lambeake._ The simple verb 'lam,' surviving in 'lam into -him,' had divers compounds--'lambaste,' 'lambeak,' (_v. ante_) -and the like. - - -P. 202. - -A return to the Martinists _dunstable_--as in 'Downright Dunstable.' - - -P. 205. - -_Duke Humfrye_ habitually entertained his guests in St. Paul's. - - -P. 208. - -_Cataphalusie_ is, I suppose, a coined word with no special -meaning. - - -P. 212. - -Full information about _Grobianisme_ may be found in Chapter -VII. of Mr. Herford's excellent _Literary Relations of England -and Germany in the 16th Century_. Cambridge: 1886. - - -P. 215. - -_Kelly_ succeeded Dee as an alchemist. - - -P. 216. - -For the _Ship of Fooles_, as Alexander Barclay Englished -Sebastian Brant's _Narrenschiff_, see Mr. Herford _op. cit._ - -_Like Biasse_ = 'crookedly'? - - -P. 217. - -_Tarleton_, etc.,--actors. - - -P. 221. - -_Bootes._--For the proper and original meaning of 'boot' see -the opening chapter of _Old Mortality_. - - -P. 223. - -_Voyder._--The tray for sweeping off crumbs, fragments, etc., -from the table. - - -P. 230. - -_Vaunt-currers_ = 'avant-couriers.' - - -P. 231. - -_Platoes cocke._--It was rather Diogenes's--his unfeeling jest -on the 'unfeathered, two-legged animal' definition of Man. - - -P. 232. - -_Babiownes_ = 'baboon.' - -_Mandilions._--A kind of monkey. - - -P. 234. - -_Strawling_ = 'straddling.' - - -P. 242. - -The _Duke_, of course Humfrye. - - -P. 244. - -_Cipers_ = 'cyprus,' crape. - - -P. 246. - -_Horse._--Banks's Morocco, frequent in Elizabethan mouths. - - -P. 273. - -_Perinado_, guessed to = "parasite" "dinner-hunter." _Inghle_ -= "crony." - - -END - - - - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Elizabethan and Jacobean Pamphlets, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ELIZABETHAN AND JACOBEAN PAMPHLETS *** - -***** This file should be named 44855.txt or 44855.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/8/5/44855/ - -Produced by Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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