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diff --git a/44850-8.txt b/44850-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 46b0fec..0000000 --- a/44850-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1761 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, -May 25, 1895, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, May 25, 1895 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Sir Francis Burnand - -Release Date: February 9, 2014 [EBook #44850] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, MAY 25, 1895 *** - - - - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - -Volume 108, May 25th 1895. - -_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ - - - - -[Illustration: STUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFE. - -UNCLE TOBY AND THE WIDOW WADMAN, AS THEY MIGHT HAVE BEEN. - -["_Uncle Toby and Widow Wadman._" C. R. LESLIE, R.A. Exhibited at the -Royal Academy in 1831.]] - - * * * * * - -A MARK AGAINST DENMARK.--At the beginning of last week it was -midsummer weather, and _not_ to have cast off winter clothing and -donned light attire would have been deemed "Midsummer madness." But by -Thursday "_on a changé tout cela_," except the clothes, and we were -in midwinter! The _Daily Telegraph's_ weather-clerk observed, that all -"this resulted from a deep depression in Denmark." It certainly caused -deep depression here; and there must be "something rotten in the State -of Denmark" which ought to be looked to immediately. Ere these lines -appear we hope--sincerely hope--that we shall have retraced our steps -towards summer. - - * * * * * - -QUERY SUGGESTED.--We read in the _Financial Times_ that "A corner in -camphor is, it is stated, being arranged." Is to be in "a corner in -camphor" as good as being "laid up in lavender"? - - * * * * * - -A CENTURY OF CENTURIES. - - [By scoring 288 in the match Gloucester _v._ Somerset at - Bristol, on May 17, Mr. W. G. GRACE, now nearing his 47th - birthday, made his hundredth innings of 100 runs or over in - first-class matches.] - - "_O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!_" - Sang _Punch_ on the seventeenth instant May, - With a true Jabberwockian chortle, - As he saw the swipe, on the Bristol ground, - Which worked GRACE'S hundred of centuries round; - A record ne'er equalled by mortal. - - "My beamish boy"--of nigh forty-seven-- - There isn't a cheerier sight under heaven - Than W. G. at the wicket. - When your "vorpal" bat "goes snicker-snack," - _Punch_ loves to lie, with a tree at his back, - And watch what _he_ calls Cricket. - - And now, as a topper of thirty years, - After many hopes, and a few faint fears. - (Which _Punch_ never shared for a jiffy.) - You've done the trick! Did your pulse beat quick - As you crept notch by notch within reach of the nick? - Did even _your_ heart feel squiffy? - - _Punch_ frankly owns _his_ went pit-a-pat - While he followed the ball and watched your bat - As the nineties slowly tottled; - And the boys of the Bristol Brigade held breath, - In an anxious silence as still as death. - But oh! like good fizz unbottled, - - We all "let go" with a loud "hooray" - As the leather was safely "put away" - For that hundredth hundred. Verily, - _Now_ you're the "many centuried" GRACE! - And for many a year may you keep top place, - Piling three-figure innings right merrily! - - * * * * * - -GAME FROM THE HIGHLANDS.--A "Scotch Golfer of Twenty Years' Standing" -(poor man! he certainly ought to be invited to take the chair at any -Golf meeting!) writes to the _Liverpool Daily Post_ complaining that -novices in England will persist in sounding the letter "l" in the -title of the sport, "although on every green from John o' Groats to -Airlie it remains silent in the mouth of player and caddie alike." As -the Golfer "puts" it, the name should be "goff," or even "gowf." As -long as there is plenty of acreage for the game, an "_ell_" is not -worth mentioning. - - * * * * * - -MUSICAL NOTE of "Herr WILLY BURMESTER"--or "Our" WILLY. "Bless you!" -as the old salt said; "he fiddles like a angel!" Of course, like all -violinists, the hair of his head is peculiar, but his airs on his -violin are marvellous in execution. - - * * * * * - -UNIVERSITY PRIVILEGE NOT GENERALLY KNOWN.--When a resident Oxonion is -suffering from a bronchial attack he is entitled to the professional -attendance (gratis) of "The Curators of the Chest." - - * * * * * - -EXTRA-ORDINARY SELF-ANNIHILATING CANNIBALS.--Children, when they -over-eat themselves. - - * * * * * - -THE WAIL OF THE WALWORTH WOTER. - - ["Many of our men have certainly been got at."--_Walworth - Liberal Agent._] - - "Got at," my boy? Well, that's a fack; - Yet not by LANSBURY, READE, or BAILEY. - But by the burdens on our back, - As seem a-gettin' heavier daily. - Trade's bloomin' bad, and rents is high; - Yet more and more the Guv'ment axes. - Progress, old man, is all my heye,-- - As means raised rents, and rates, and taxes. - School Boards, Free Liberies, an' such, - With County Council schemes, _look_ proper; - When they _too_ 'ard poor pockets touch - On them the poor _must_ put a stopper. - Fust we 'ave got to live, I say; - To pay our way, and grub our young 'uns. - Will Rads make that more easier, hay, - Than wot you call "Bible and Bung'uns"? - By Jingo, if you want our wotes, - You'll git 'em, not by playing peeper, - Or wetoing beer from our poor throats; - But--making life easier and cheaper! - _Got at?_ Wy, yus, by want o' grub, - And rents an' taxes too extensive; - And so we'll weto--_not_ the Pub, - _But "Progress" wot comes too expensive!_ - - * * * * * - -PARTIES IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.--Besides the usual number of parties, -there will always be, during the fine summer weather, Tea-parties. - - * * * * * - -CONTRADICTION.--Tremendous "Crushing Reports" come in from the mines, -and, in spite of this, mining shares are better than ever. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: HERCULES AND OMPHALE; OR, PETTICOAT GOVERNMENT. - -_Hercules_ (_Prince Bismarck_). "I BELIEVE THAT FEMALE SYMPATHY WITH -OUR POLITICAL INSTITUTIONS IS A MUCH STRONGER BULWARK AGAINST SOCIAL -DEMOCRACY THAN OUR REVOLUTION BILL WOULD HAVE BEEN IF IT HAD BEEN -PASSED." (_See Daily Papers._)] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _New Assistant_ (_after hair-cutting, to Jones, who -has been away for a couple of weeks_). "YOUR 'AIR IS VERY THIN BE'IND, -SIR. TRY SINGEING!" - -_Jones_ (_after a pause_). "YES, I THINK I WILL." - -_N. A._ (_after singeing_). "SHAMPOO, SIR? GOOD FOR THE 'AIR, SIR." - -_Jones._ "THANK YOU. YES." - -_N. A._ "YOUR MOUSTACHES CURLED?" - -_Jones._ "PLEASE." - -_N. A._ "MAY I GIVE YOU A FRICTION?" - -_Jones._ "THANK YOU." - -_N. A._ "WILL YOU TRY SOME OF OUR----" - -_Manager_ (_who has just sighted his man, in Stage whisper_). "YOU -IDIOT! _HE_'S A SUBSCRIBER!!"] - - * * * * * - -WAITING FOR NASRULLA. - - ["The original arrangements for NASRULLA KHAN'S reception - in London have undergone considerable alteration."--_Daily - Paper._] - -"Of course we ought to act on precedent." said Wise Man Number One. -"We can't be far out if we do that." - -"I am not so sure," replied Number Two of the Series. "When the SHAH -came over we gave him a prize-fight at Buckingham Palace, and the -entertainment subsequently caused much hostile criticism in Clapham." - -"It is to be regretted," sighed the Third, "that the Polytechnic -Institution no longer exists. It would have amused his Highness to -have descended in the diving bell." - -"No doubt," put in the initial speaker; "but something of the same -effect might be obtained by conducting NASRULLA either to the Museum -of Mines in Jermyn Street or the Diploma Gallery at Burlington House." - -"Quite so. And what do you say to the Natural History Museum, and a -special visit in semi-state to the top of the Monument?" - -This suggestion was well received. Then a trip to Kew, and a ride on -the Elephant at the Zoo were considered not unfavourably. - -"Shall he go to any of the theatres?" was the next question. - -"It may be a little dangerous to his morals if he understands -English," seemed to be the popular answer. - -Then a visit to a music-hall under the immediate supervision of the -London County Council was proposed. - -Then a Wise Man (less sage than the majority of his fellows) proposed -a little "slumming." - -"He might visit the East End, and pass a night in a Casual Ward." - -Fortunately for the honour of the British Empire the proposal was -negatived without the formality of a division. - -"Could he be exhibited at a side show, either at Sydenham, Earl's -Court, or West Kensington?" - -Again there was a shout of "No." The visit of the Representative of -the Ameer was not to be made a source of income to the Imperial, or, -if it came to that, any other Exchequer. - -"Besides," said the initial speaker, "the British Public does not care -for paying for its raree-show. When we _do_ get hold of a native, we -like to find him on view free, gratis and for nothing." - -Then it was agreed that NASRULLA should appear at the Queen's Birthday -Parade, and other "features" were discussed with animation. - -"But what the KHAN will ultimately do, Sir," murmured an experienced -official at the conclusion of the confab, "only Time can show--with -the assistance of the Government." - - * * * * * - -A NEW TERROR.--Politics on the stage. In ENRY HAUTHOR JONES'S _Bauble -Shop_ at the Criterion we were taken into the House of Commons and got -somehow mixed up with Party Politics; but in _The Home Secretary_, -Mr. CARTON, it appears, has attempted to drag his audience, with Mr. -CHARLES WYNDHAM, into the inner circle of Parliamentary life. What -next? A debate on the Budget in Four Acts? Or shall we have, in five -Parliamentary Acts, with a Prologue and Epilogue, the Comedy with -a short Jonesian title called _Home Rule for Ireland: or, how the -O'Reillys, the Maguires, and the Kellys went into the Opposition -Lobby, and how one Government came in and the other went out, &c. -&c.?_ Save us from politics on the stage! There was just enough of the -political element in _Dora_ to give it a peculiar interest. But then -_Dora_ was written by VICTORIEN SARDOU. - - * * * * * - -ROYAL MILITARY TOURNAMENT.--The initials being "R. M. T." will _not_ -be descriptive of the state of the seats in the Agricultural Hall -during the performance. The announcement will be "Are Quite Full," not -"R. _M. T._" - - * * * * * - -QUOTATION FOR LONDONER LAST WEEK, ON SEEING THE DUKE OF YORK IN PALL -MALL.--"I know that man, he comes from Sheffield." - - * * * * * - -THE NEW COINS.--It was announced that the reverse was to have been -altered. On the contrary, it is quite the reverse. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: CLASSIC QUOTATIONS ILLUSTRATED. - -(_For the Use of Schools._) - -EXAMPLE II.--"PALMAM QUI MERUIT FERAT."] - - * * * * * - -THE POET AND HIS INTERVIEWERS. - -I do not dwell in a back-attic with the windows pasted up with brown -paper, neither do I wallow up to my eyes in a litter of manuscript -with flue on the carpet and dust on all the furniture. If ye, or the -Public, have any such impression, ye are very much mistaken. I may be -a literary person and a prose-poet; but I live quite respectably, and -have everything handsome about me. Come and see! - -Ye will find the doorsteps freshly scoured, and the door-handle -brightly polished--which ye will make a note of after ye have rung the -bell. - -A trim parlourmaid--whom ye will allude to as "a neat-handed -PHYLLIS"--will open the door, and request ye to wipe your dirty boots -upon the doormat in the passage--which ye are expected to mention as -the "spacious entrance hall." - -I shall stand on the threshold of my dining-room, and receive ye with -as much surprise as if the visit were not by previous appointment; -shall accompany ye through all my rooms, and tell ye interesting facts -about the china and the chimney ornaments. I shall not object to your -bringing a camera and taking views of my "cosy corner" and my hat and -umbrella-stand. - -They are exactly like those of everybody else, so they are sure to be -pleasing to an art-loving Public. - -Ye will find in the drawing-room the perfume of many flowers--provided -I do not forget to send out for some penny bunches of violets -beforehand--and ye can take a photograph of the cottage piano and -my pet canary (which usually has its habitation in the kitchen, as I -loathe all birds--but this is _not_ for publication). - -I will show ye the stand of wax-flowers fashioned by my maternal -grandmother--which will give ye an opportunity of commenting upon the -heredity of genius in my talented family--and ye may peer into the -silver _épergne_ that was presented to my Uncle at the Cattle Show for -a prize pig. Ye will probably think it necessary to make a copy of the -inscription. - -In the study--to which I shall humorously allude as my "den"--there -is little of general interest except my old carpet slippers. Mayhap -ye will point to a few pipes that lie on the mantelpiece; but they -are merely "properties," for the public expects all striking literary -personalities to write with pipes in their mouths. - -Come to me! I fear ye not. It is ye who confer celebrity. I know ye -so well. I shall follow ye out into the garden, and ye shall carry -stylographs in your waistcoat pockets, and I will relate to ye -my early literary experiences, give ye my theories on the Social -Question, and let ye kodak my child in its perambulator. - -I know ye; ye will convey a totally false impression of my views, -which I shall have to write to all the leading journals to correct. Ye -will force me into the publicity and self-advertisement from which my -sensitive soul shrinks. Ye will describe the insides of my rooms, -for the benefit of the buzzing swarm which has hitherto shown no -overwhelming curiosity concerning the insides of my works. - -Still, I do not mind your coming, provided that ye give me an -opportunity of revising a proof of the interview. Ye are necessary -nuisances. - - * * * * * - -BETWEEN THE LINES. - - ["The insertion of advertisements at enhanced prices in - the very body of a magazine is the noblest achievement of - journalistic enterprise. This intrinsically beautiful idea, - however, admits of considerable development in the near - future, unless, as is improbable, the reading public declines - to take its romantic literature in piebald strata."--_The Type - Worm._] - -A TWENTIETH CENTURY IDYLL. - -Lazily, dreamily, we floated down the pellucid stream, ASPASIA at the -single thwart, I, her loved one, at the tiller. The last gleaner -had left the fields. Over the grave of the dead sun I saw the eye of -Hesperus, early and thoughtful. The words of the Poet Laureate came -back to me; it seemed that "in yonder Orient star a hundred spirits -whispered - -[Illustration] - -[_KEEP YOUR HAIR ON! Try our own Fertiliser. The Next-of-Kin-but-One -to the Hohenpfefferkorn dynasty writes:--"I have tried your lotion -for a vacancy in the crown, and should in all human probability have -succeeded, but for the birth of an infant in the direct line. Make -what use of this you like. It has been none to me."_] - -"Peace!" Now the light shallop trembled to the stroke of ASPASIA'S -sculls, and the brawny muscles lifted beneath her flannel suiting. -Myself so frail, I adore the pride and prowess of womanhood, that -moves through the world conquering and to conquer. This life of the -open air, so free, so expansive, that despises the thought of - -[_COHESIVE CORSETS.--Supply the want, or disguise the existence, of -adipose deposit. Send immediately a plaster cast of your bust. Insure -against fracture in the Parcel Post._] - -control or seclusion, how different from that of men, studiously -repressed in a hothouse atmosphere of fashion and traditional -proprieties. We only guess of their world from hearsay or from books. -And most of these are by women for women, and Papa says they are not -fit for innocent men to read. And so we have to be content to study -dress and the lures that fascinate the other sex. But they--they go -forth to fight our battles, make our laws, have their part in the stir -and excitement of - -[_THE BENEFICENT COVER SYSTEM.--You pay your money and we pocket it._ -No further liabilities whatever.] - -the world, while we sit at home and tattle over the tea-things and -marry when we're asked. And, _à propos_, how I longed to tell ASPASIA -that my heart is hers! But I am a man; it was for _her_ to speak. - -At last she pulled herself together with the self-assurance of a woman -who knows that - -[_OUR MATCHES STRIKE ONLY ON THE TROUSERS._] - -the weaker sex is at her mercy. "Dear ARIEL," she began, and her deep -mulierile notes vibrated through my fluttering chest; "dear ARIEL, -this halcyon eve, this ethereal air that breathes the subtle incense -of eucalyptus--all, all, invite me to offer you - -[_LITTLE TEASERS.--For the liver. As used in the Russo-Japanese -negotiations. The Arch-Prince General VON SCHPLITVISKI sends us the -following despatch:--"Plenipotentiary ITA BINO had a difference -with me on the question of a peninsula. Two of your LITTLE TEASERS, -however_, came home to him, _and he is now more amenable. You have -my authority for stating that your system of internal adjustment has -averted a disastrous and even stupid war."_ - - [_Left advertising._ - - * * * * * - -OPERATIC NOTES. - -_Opening of Opera._ _Monday, May 13._--Crowded house. _Grand Otello -Co._ unlimited. The Orchestra has been sunk four feet, thus giving -Stalls clear view of stage. DRURIOLANUS proposes a puzzler "Orchestra -_lowered_," he says, "yet all performers in it _hired!_" Royal -Highnesses present. DRURIOLANUS, taking happy musical publishers' -points of view, looks towards Royal Box and murmurs "'Royalties' on -music." ALBANI surpasses herself as _Desdemona:_ quite wonder that -_Otello-Tamagno_ has the heart to smother her with pillow after her -song about the willow. Signor PESSINA as _Iago:_ rather a ponderous -villain. Pecuniary operatic prospects exceptionally good: at all -events, possessing JEAN DE RESZKE, TAMAGNO, and BERTRAN, DRURIOLANUS -has "three tenners" in hand to start with. - -[Illustration: Vocal and Orchestral. Marguerite and Strauss.] - -_Tuesday._--BOÏTO'S _Mefistofele_. "An opera that 'grows on you,'" -says LOUNGER in the Lobby. "If there were a probability of many -such growing on _you_, my dear LOUNGER," quoth Sir DRURIOLANUS, with -satirical affability, "you would be worth cultivating." The advantage -of a long opera, with disconnected acts, is, that you can "pick -'em where you like," as the coster says of the walnuts, and come in -anywhere for something good. MAGGIE MACINTYRE is "getting a big girl -now." Charming as _Margherita_ and _La belle Hélène_. Signor DE LUCIA -a rather timorous and bashful _Faust_, with one eye for MAGGIE and the -other for NELLI (short for MANCINELLI), as if praying the latter to -conduct him safely and keep him from temptation to go wrong. _Faust_ -in situation of TOOLE in _The Houseboat_, when he used to exclaim, -"SARAH! I'm slipping!" PLANÇON equally good as _Jupiter_ or -_Mefistofele_; this time it is _Mefisto_. - -_Wednesday._--_Le Prophète._ In spite of name, unprofitable opera. -Signor TAMAGNO (or familiarly TAM AGNO), as _Jean of Leyden_, rather -over-laden, but bearing burthen bravely. TAM receives big _encore_ -in Star-spangled Banner Hymn. The two CORSIS and CASTELMARY ably -represent Liberator Firm of _Jonas, Zaccaria, Mathisen & Co._, always -ready to draw on their false prophet in order to save their own -credit. Two CORSIS and dessert to follow. Beaming BEVIGNANI conducts -invisible orchestra. - -_Thursday._--Sudden change from summer to winter. Comparatively thin -house. Ladies as wrapperees in furs. Everyone welcoming _Pagliacci, or -the Mummers_, as pantomime suitable to season. In spite of this, warm -welcome to _Pagliacci_ and to Madame FANNY MOODY as _Nedda_. She is -quite the character: Moody yet lively. ANCONA and DE LUCIA good and -dramatic as ever as _Tonio_ and _Canio_. _Début_ of Miss MARIE ENGLE, -who, whether German or French, will be a favourite with the -Engle-ish, starting uncommonly well as _Little Bo-Peep-Baucis_. _King -Jove-Plançon_ and _Vulcan-Castelmary_, the limping Olympian, excellent -as usual. Everyone suffering from wintry blasts in stalls envies -_Vulcan_ rubbing his hands and warming himself at _Bonnard-Philémon's_ -fire. Such a night in May is enough to knock any piece to shivers. The -conductors of the operatic 'bus were, for the first journey, Soothing -SEPPILLI; and for the second, Beaming BEVIGNANI. - -_Friday._--Still wintry. Italian-German opera _Lohengrin_, with -Cosmopolitan Caste, going stronger than ever. House full and fully -satisfied. Hard to please if it had not been so, with ALBANI as -_Elsa_,--(says WAGSTAFF, affecting a drawl, "Nobody else-a can touch -her in this"),--_Jupiter-Plançon_ as a King, not of gods but men, and -BERTRAN, from La Scala, as a _First-Knight Lohengrin_. As to intruder -_Ortruda_ and Terrible _Telramonda_, these heavy weights are lifted -by Mlle. OLITZKA and Signor ANCONA. Monarchical MANCINELLI treats Time -like a dusty carpet, beating it strongly. - -_Saturday._--Crowded house to welcome old friend _Trovatore_. PESSINA -as the wicked nobleman; and TAMAGNO--now known as "TAM"--in splendid -voice for the Trovatore himself. "TAM" doubly encored after -"_Di quella pira_." JULIA RAVOGLI not quite the _Azucena_. Mlle. -BAUERMEISTER'S first appearance this season: as heroine's sympathetic -companion BAUERMEISTER combines the "_utile_" with the "_dulce_." -MAGGIE MACINTYRE vocally good, dramatically puzzling. House happy: -DRURIOLANUS delighted. Fine finish to first week. - - * * * * * - -ROUNDABOUT READINGS. - -There is only one Parish Council in England which is presided over -by a lady. Her name is JANE SHAKESPEARE, and she rules the parochial -deliberations of Netherseal in Leicestershire. No doubt it will be -found by her councillors that JANE hath a way with her, and thus she -will be brought into line with her illustrious namesake. - - * * * - - [At Gamlingay, in Cambridgeshire, Mr. DEW declined to - undertake the duties of cemetery superintendent for a salary - of £5, and Mr. HOWE was consequently appointed to the post.] - -[Illustration] - - Mr. DEW, when he heard of the offer, looked blue; - He considered a fiver was less than his due. - How do it? The question gave rise to no row, - For Miss Echo replied, and her answer was HOWE. - - * * * - -_Congratulations to Mr. F. Mitchell, of Cambridge University, on his -innings of_ 191 _runs against Somerset_. - - The men of the county had studied their pitch ill; - They did what they could, but they couldn't bowl MITCHELL. - His masterly cutting the bowlers appals, - For the grass being short, he makes hay of their balls. - - * * * - -A writer in _The Manchester Guardian_ declares that the main road -between Bolton and Bury is in a shocking condition. What is the road -between Bolton and Bury? Bolton suggests that he who fights and runs -away lives to fight another day, but Bury seems to indicate a path of -glory leading to the grave--which things are a paradox. In any case, I -endorse the writer's suggestion-- - - That Alderman HULTON should harness his colt on, - And drive o'er the road between Bury and Bolton. - The chock-holes and paving are terrible--very, - And he may find his tomb e'er he comes back to Bury. - - * * * - -There was a gas explosion the other day in Dublin at the house of a -Mr. ATOCK. The report states that Mr. ATOCK'S injuries were dressed -and he and his family afterwards left for the house of Mr. ATOCK -senior, at Phibsborough. Ph[oe]bus, what a name! As the capital city -of the regions of, shall we say, perverted veracity, nothing could be -fitter. In any case, condolences to Mr. ATOCK. Is the Blarney stone in -Phibsborough? - - * * * - -What is "dockisation"? Whatever it is, they have been debating upon it -at Bristol, and the proceedings are described as "decidedly lively." -The protagonists were Mr. DE RIDDER and Alderman PROCTOR BAKER. - - Dockisation, I think, is a question of docks, - And at Bristol it lately gave rise to hard knocks. - "Let's be rid of a scheme which is bad for the town," - Said DE RIDDER, whose statements excited a frown. - But they smiled on beholding this argument-maker - By a Proctor well caught and done brown by a Baker. - - * * * * * - -LEEDS LEADS! - -_Or, Welcome News from the North._ - - ["The tenor of market reports concerning all the main - industries out of which the citizens of Leeds make their - living ... suggests the advent of a turn for the better, - commercially, that may almost claim to rank as an industrial - revolt."--_The Yorkshire Post._] - - Hooray! Food for hope the Tyke Town surely yields. - The "Sun of York" shines on the Cardigan Fields - (Which now should be called the Elysian). - The Capitalist and the Builder unite - To throw light upon Leeds. Let's sing, "Leeds! kindly light!" - (Which we hope will not shock the precisian.) - Oh! Bradford and Huddersfield, Dewsbury, Batley!-- - (These Yorkshire names fall into rhythm most patly)-- - Your returns and reports Trade is heeding, - In hope that the storm, like the North, we may weather, - With WALKER AND SONS (there is nothing like leather!), - Those great "Men of (Leeds) Light and Leading!" - - * * * * * - -APPROPRIATE.--Fixed service for "Tied Houses" should be the bounden -duty of Tide-waiters. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: AN EMBARRASSING QUESTION. - -"WHY HAVE YOU GOT SUCH A BARE NECK, MUMMIE?" - -"I'M GOING TO A DANCE, DARLING. ONE _HAS_ TO DRESS LIKE THIS FOR A -DANCE!" - -"DO THE LADIES DANCE IN ONE ROOM, AND THE GENTLEMEN IN ANOTHER, -MUMMIE?"] - - * * * * * - -THE PREMIER'S CRUISE. - -_Portsmouth, Monday._--Thank heaven! Got rid of politics for a season. -Off to Cowes, as guest of SPENCER, on board _Enchantress_. Admirable -institution, an Admiralty yacht; reconciles one to Naval Estimates, -almost. But there!--must _not_ think of Estimates now. Must try and -remember this is a holiday, to get ozone and sleep--especially sleep. - -_Cowes._--SPENCER really _very_ nautical. Talks of fast cruisers and -water-tube boilers all the time. Great on torpedo-destroyers. Says -the _Havoc_ "goes twenty-five knots an hour." Well then, why can't -HARCOURT get up the same pace with our Bills? Wish he'd turn into a -Parliamentary _Havoc_. Mention this to SPENCER, who laughs, and says, -"It's the Opposition who indulge in twenty-five Nots an hour." -Believe SPENCER means it as a joke. Turn in, and think of HARCOURT and -SPENCER'S joke and Twin-Screw Cabinets and Water-veto-boiler Bills. -Wretched night! - -_Portland, Tuesday Morning._--Rather unfair of SPENCER. Now he's got -me safely on board, he's always trying to persuade me that Navy -wants more money spent on it. More money! Refer him to HARCOURT, the -"inexorable _Jorkins_." Try to hide from SPENCER. No good. He finds me -behind a coil of rope on half-quarter-deck--_is_ it half-quarter-deck? -Not sure, and don't like to ask--and begins again. Seems he would -like a few more millions for guns. Thought we had heaps of guns. Talks -about a ship he calls _The Hecckler_. What a name! Reminds me of every -political meeting I've ever attended. Why will Lords of Admiralty give -such names? SPENCER explains--seems it's _Hecla_, not _Hecckler_. Oh! -All right. Fear SPENCER begins to think me rather a land-lubber. Got -me at an advantage here. Wait till I take him to Newmarket Heath! - -_Off Plymouth._--Down in engine-room. Tell head stoker that House of -Lords is an effete institution. Stoker winks. _Can_ he be a Tory? Tell -him it's a "gilded prison." Stoker seems surprised, and asks, "Why I -don't chuck it up, then?" Curious--no repartee handy. And I am so good -at them, generally. Must consult "_Fridoline_," _traduit de l'Anglais -de "Happy Thoughts,"_ to see what would be a "repartee to a stoker." -Bed. SPENCER won't hear of it as bed; talks of "turning-in to his -bunk." What an enthusiastic "First Lord" SPENCER does make! Thinking -of First Lord, wonder who'll be Last Lord? Go on wondering till dawn. -What a noise swabbing the deck makes! Wish I were back at the Durdans! - -_Scilly Islands, Wednesday._--Blue sea, lovely weather. Delightful to -have left all worries, all politics, far behind, and to---- Boat seen -approaching from land. Man says he has a telegram for me! Oh, hang -telegrams! Wish I were well out at sea. What can it be about? Japan? -Siam? Chitral? No. Only to tell me result of Walworth and West Dorset -elections! Hem! Seems I _am_ at sea--politically. Thoughtless of -ASQUITH to have wired me on the subject. HOMER handsomely beaten. Why -didn't he stick to his Iliad? And READE--deserves the Old Bailey for -being licked by the new one! Question now is--where's our majority? -Ask SPENCER. SPENCER replies it's "as plain as a marlinspike." Says -Walworth lost because not enough money spent on Navy. Assures me -Navy "much more important than Army; in fact, it's the Predominant -Partner." This is _too_ much! Ask SPENCER, as a favour, to maroon me -on some desolate isle--say Lundy. Won't do it. Bribe a sailor. Landed -at Lizard. Off to town! Next time I want sea air, shall run down to -Clacton on the "Belle." - - * * * * * - -OXFORD DEGREES.--Certainly Messrs. DAN LENO and ALBERT CHEVALIER -should have Masterships of Arts conferred on them. The "_Voces -Stellarum_" at the Oxford Observatory (otherwise Music Hall) are well -worth hearing. Mr. BURNETT (J. P.) has just issued a brochure on this -Music-Astronomical subject, chiefly remarkable for a brief essay on -"The Pantomimic Art," by PAUL MARTINETTI, whose right to speak on such -a theme, as an authority, may be arrived at by any one who sees this -most artistic pantomimist in a short melodramatic piece--a piece -which thoroughly tells its own tale without words--now being performed -nightly at the Oxford. It is admirable. If action can do so much, then -why not a Shakspearian play in action, and "the student" could read -the words to himself at home? We recommend the idea to Mr. PAUL -MARTINETTI, and should advise him to re-arrange _Don Quixote_, as "a -piece without words," for Mr. HENRY IRVING, who now looks and acts the -part to perfection; the piece itself might then be of the actor, that -is,--if action were substituted for its very poor dialogue. - - * * * * * - -POLITICS À LA PERKYN MIDDLEWICK.--The Radical wire-pullers now regard -the middle-class Walworth voters (for Mr. BAILEY) as "Shop 'uns," -and the county division which returned Colonel WILLIAMS as "inferior -Dosset"! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "GREAT CRY AND LITTLE WO(O)L-MER!" - -BATHING WOMAN. "COME ALONG, MASTER SELBORNE, AND TAKE YOUR DIP LIKE A -LITTLE NOBLEMAN!"] - - * * * * * - -THE SCARLET PARASOL. - -SCENE I.--_Terrace in front of quaint old country house._ VIOLA -TRAVERS _and_ MURIEL VANE _on garden-chairs._ VIOLA _is twenty, -dark-eyed, and animated; she holds a scarlet parasol._ MURIEL _is -eighteen; she has very fair hair, parted with puritanical precision; -the naïve innocence of her manner is not without a suggestion of -artistic premeditation._ - -_Muriel_ (_embroidering_). It is a marvel to me, VIOLA, that you can -ever have a discontented moment in a house so Elizabethan as this. - -_Viola._ It _is_ lovely, MURIEL; a background for mystery and romance. -And I have no romance. I have everything else; but I have not a -romance. - -_Muriel._ You have ALBERT. - -_Viola._ You know that ALBERT is not a romance. - -_Muriel._ Once---- - -_Viola._ Ah, when everyone opposed our marriage. I married him for -love, and because he was poor and "unsuitable." How could I know -that his uncle would die and leave him money and a country house? -Everything has turned out so well! It is rather hard to have made "a -good match," as they say, without intending it. Of course, I never -reproach him. - -_Muriel._ No; you have been very nice about it. - -_Viola._ ALBERT is perfectly happy, playing at being a country -gentleman. He was so amazed to find there were real ducks and fowls in -the country--and buttercups! He tells me everything. He boasts we -tell each other everything. Oh! I should _so_ like to have some little -thing to conceal from him--some secret, just for fun! Of course I -should tell him all about it afterwards, you know. - -[Illustration: "Enter Alan Roy."] - -_Muriel._ I am sure you would, dear. You have dropped your -handkerchief. (MURIEL _picks up handkerchief, book, and paper-knife, -and gives them to_ VIOLA.) - -_Viola._ Dear MURIEL, it is so nice to have you here. You are so calm, -and soothing, and decorative, and you never take anyone away from -anyone else! - -_Muriel._ I think I _have_ been rather unfortunate lately, VIOLA. No -one seems to like me but middle-aged married men--often, too, with -whiskers! - -_Viola._ You mean poor Mr. AVERIDGE? He has been married so long that -he has forgotten all about it. To-night CLAUDE MIGNON is coming to -stay with us. He is the most accomplished idiot in London. He sings, -plays, paints, plays games, flirts--I think his flirting, though, has -rather gone off. It is getting mechanical. By the way, have you an -ideal, MURIEL? I wonder what is your ideal? - -_Muriel_ (_promptly and cheerfully_). A man past his first youth, who -has suffered; with iron-grey hair and weary eyes, who knows everything -about life and could guide me, and would do exactly what I told him. - -_Viola._ And _mine_ is a young man of genius, just beginning -life, with the world before him, who would look up to me as an -inspiration--a guiding star! - -_Muriel._ You have dropped your handkerchief again, VIOLA. Who is this -coming out? - -_Viola._ It is only Dr. ROBERTS. He has been to see JANE, the -housemaid. She has been rather ill. - -_Muriel._ I suppose she had a housemaid's knee. - -_Viola._ You are quite wrong. She had writer's cramp, poor thing! - -_Muriel._ How absurd, VIOLA! How are you, Dr. ROBERTS! - - [Dr. ROBERTS _has iron-grey hair and dark eyes. As he joins - them_ MURIEL _leans down to pat a dog with all the graceful - self-consciousness of youth._ Dr. ROBERTS _looks at_ VIOLA - _admiringly_. - -_Viola._ I hope poor JANE is better? - -_Dr. Roberts._ Oh yes; she is quite out of the wood now, Mrs. TRAVERS. -In fact, I don't think I need see her anymore. (MURIEL _looks up._) -Perhaps though, I had better just look in--say--on Thursday? - -_Viola._ Do; and stay and have some tennis. - - [Dr. ROBERTS _accepts with evident enthusiasm, and takes leave - with obvious regret_. - -_Muriel_ (_watching him drive away_). Dr. ROBERTS admires you -dreadfully. Is that a romance? - -_Viola._ For him perhaps--not for me! And it isn't a mystery! - - [_A telegram is brought in._ - -_Viola._ Oh, how delightful! ALAN ROY, the wonderful boy harpist, is -coming down! He's coming by the early train! He'll be here directly! - -_Muriel._ You never told me you had asked him! I suppose you forgot -it--or remembered it. Doesn't he profess to be even younger than he -is? I mean, when he was four, didn't he say he was three? I wonder if -he'll come down in a sailor-suit. - -_Viola._ He's quite nineteen. Here are those tiresome AVERIDGES again! -I thought I got rid of them for a long drive. (_Aloud._) Ah! Here is -dear Mr. AVERIDGE! - -_Mr. Averidge_ (_ponderously, to_ MURIEL). And how is Miss VANE -to-day? Looking as she always does, like a rose in June. - -_Muriel_ (_coldly_). Yes, Mr. AVERIDGE? - -_Viola_ (_to_ Mrs. AVERIDGE _and_ ALBERT, _who are coming up the steps -of the terrace_). ALAN ROY is coming down, _the_ ALAN ROY. He will be -here directly. - -_Albert._ All right, though I don't approve of child artists. Poor -little chap! - -_Viola._ He is very nearly quite grown up, ALBERT! He has golden hair -and any amount of _usage du monde_. - -_Muriel._ ALBERT will call it _cheek_--I daresay! - -_Mrs. Averidge._ He is most amusing. I met him at Lady BAYSWATER'S. He -looks quite an angel playing the harp. - -_Albert._ I hope he'll bring his halo in a hat-box. What is that text -about "Young lions do lack----" - -_Muriel._ Oh, ALBERT! - -_Servant._ Master ALAN ROY! - -_Albert_ (_aside_). Now, don't make the poor child shy. - - _Enter_ ALAN ROY. _Tall young man, in light grey suit. He - wears a turned-down collar, a pink button-hole, and carries a - little stick._ - -_Alan._ How _are_ you, Mrs. TRAVERS? So sweet of you to ask me! Isn't -it a _dear_ day! - - [_Greetings._ - -_Mr. Averidge._ And how did the infant prodigy manage to get here all -alone? - -_Alan._ I pushed myself in a perambulator. Miss VANE, you look like a -Botticelli in a Paris dress. I didn't bring my harp, _does_ it matter? - - [_Chorus of sham disappointment and real relief._ - -_Alan_ (_smiling_). It was dreadful of me! But I have been keeping the -poor thing up so late; I thought a rest---- - - [_Lunch is announced._ MURIEL _stoops to collect_ VIOLA'S - _handkerchief, &c._ - -_Alan_ (_to_ VIOLA). Oh, what a _sweet_ scarlet parasol! - - _Curtain. End of Scene 1._ - - (_To be continued._) - - * * * * * - -NEITHER FREE NOR EASY.--The Larne Town Commissioners cannot make up -their minds whether they shall acquire the McGarel Town Hall which -apparently (to judge from a report in the _Northern Whig_) appears -to be in the market. The room, it seems, would be used for a free -library. The Committee, after a very lengthy discussion, have -adjourned the consideration of the question to some distant date -for further information. In the meanwhile, no doubt, they will -appropriately adopt for the municipal motto "Live and Larne." - - * * * * * - -CYNIC TO POET. - - [The great lack of the Age is its want of distinction." - - COVENTRY PATMORE.] - - Alas, our poor Age! How against it we rage! - In the seat of the scorner the critics ne'er sat more. - If the pessimist bore would master her lore, - We've only to send him to Coventry--PATMORE! - The bards do not love it. But how to improve it? - That question the poets, like that of the Sphinx, shun. - Distinction my lad? If the Age is so bad, - I think its "great lack" is not that, but _extinction!_ - 'Tis easier far to abuse it than mend it, - Must we try MORLEY'S other alternative--end it? - - * * * * * - -A MUSICAL NOTE.--Such has been the success of Mlle. YVETTE GUILBERT, -that, _on dit_ (French must be used when speaking of this _lionne -comique_), it is not improbable she will be engaged to appear in a -part in the forthcoming Sullivan Savoy Opera, in which the relation -of librettists to composer is to be as two to one. If this be so, -then once more at the Savoy will there be a Sullivan-and-Guilbert -Combination. - - * * * * * - -"WHITAKER." - - [Mr. JOSEPH WHITAKER, founder and chief proprietor of - _Whitaker's Almanack_, died on the 15th May, aged 75.] - - Gone! His praises to rehearse - Might engage a friendly verse. - Time, for whom he did so much, - Surely dealt with gentle touch - With this man, of lucky star, - Who the famous calendar, - Schemed on an ingenious plan, - Gave to ever-grateful man. - Millions now would feel the lack - Of the wondrous Almanack. - To adapt BEN JONSON'S phrase - To a worthy of our days, - One might say of our lost brother, - Death; ere thou hast slain another - Good and useful as was he, - "Time shall throw his dart at thee." - - * * * * * - -CHAMPIONS.--Sir EDWARD GREY, M.P., ought to be a great acquisition at -a dance if his prowess as a tennis champion is any indication. "The -power with which he often finished the ball" was recently highly -praised. His opponent, Mr. GRIBBLE, seems a dangerous man among the -ladies, having at Cambridge "won the singles." Quite a Pasha among the -"Love sets!" But he could only take one single out of the singles he -won. - - * * * * * - -ODD.--"Doctor GREEF" is advertised to give three pianoforte recitals. -If his performance is equal to what we hear of his promise, then those -will experience considerable pleasure who "come to GREEF." - - * * * * * - -SMALL BUT HARMONIOUS FOOTBALL TEAM FOR SUMMER.--"The Shinner -Quartette." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARCHITECT HAS TO PUT UP WITH. - -_Our Architect_ (_spotting Sixteenth Century gables_). "THAT'S AN OLD -BIT OF WORK, MY FRIEND!" - -"OI, SIR, YEU BE ROIGHT THEER, THAT YOU BE!" - -_O. A._ (_keen for local tradition_). "YOU DON'T KNOW EXACTLY _HOW_ -OLD, I SUPPOSE?" - -"WELL, NOA, SIR; BUT OLD IT BE! WHOI, I'SE KNOWED IT MESELF THESE -_NOINE_ YEARS!"] - - * * * * * - -ODE TO AN OVERCOAT. - -(_By a Shivery Person, in Spring-time._) - - "Cast ne'er a clout till May be out," - The old Scotch proverb says. - Thee, did I doff, "Immensikoff," - For three most sultry days. - But wind and dust, in gruesome gust, - Search bosom, back and throat; - And to my nose I button close - My fur-lined Overcoat. - The Merry May has such a way - Of blowing hot and cold, - That fur and cloth I'm always loth - Away, in Spring, to fold. - _Gr-r-r!_ There's a blast! I'll hold thee fast - Dear friend on whom I doat; - Nor lay thee by till--say--July, - My own, my Overcoat! - - * * * * * - -LEGAL NOTE.--It is presumably unfortunate for the prisoner-at-the-bar -when, as is constantly announced in the papers, "Mr. So-and-So, Q.C., -will appear to defend SNOOKS." Hard on SNOOKS when his Counsel only -_appears_ to defend him. But what a sweet surprise for the unhappy -SNOOKS should the Counsel, who only "appears to defend him," _really_ -defend him and be victorious! - - * * * * * - -"VOX CLAMANTIS."--The voice of the Claimant is heard once again. No -joke; no Wagga-Waggery. He is publishing his "Entire Life and Full -Confession" in the _People_ newspaper. According to his own statement, -his claim to the Tichborne estates might be described, not only as a -fraud, but as a "Wapping" one. - - * * * * * - -TO A COUNTRY HOST. - -(_A Candid Answer to a Hospitable Invitation._) - - You're kind enough to bid me spend - The "week-end" at your country seat, - You offer tennis and a friend - You feel I'm sure to like to meet. - I hope you will not think me rude-- - You're very kind to ask me down-- - But if the simple truth be told, - I much prefer to stay in town. - - You tell me that the ground is bare, - And only gets by slow degrees - Recovered from our Arctic spell, - That leafless still are all the trees. - Well, here, in spite of smoke and soot, - And all the bustle and the hum - Of men and things, we don't await - The Spring--because the Spring has come. - - Each morning as I go to work - I take my 'bus to Marble Arch, - And thence amid a wealth of flowers, - And air perfumed with odours, march - To Hyde Park Corner. Tell me where-- - I honestly should like to know-- - The much belauded "country" can - Produce a comparable show? - - Our grass is green, though yours is brown. - On every tree the lovely bud - Is bursting into lovelier leaf, - The Spring runs madly in one's blood. - To leave such joys I can't consent, - Too great a struggle it would be, - But just to show you don't resent - These lines--come up and stay with me! - - * * * * * - -HOW (OF COURSE) IT IS NOT DONE. - -(_Imaginary Sketch of impossible Incident._) - - SCENE--_Editor's Room._ TIME--_Within measurable distance of - publication._ Editor _discovered in consultation with his_ - Chief Sub. - -_Editor._ We can't find room for everything. - -_Chief Sub._ Quite so, Sir; still it seems a pity to slaughter this -telegram from the front. - -_Editor._ Does it make very much? - -_Chief Sub._ No, Sir. If you will allow me, I will run through it. -(_Reads._) "Yesterday the Loamshire Regiment, headed by its Commander, -Colonel SNOOKS, made one of the gallantest charges on record." - -_Editor._ Sure it was SNOOKS? - -_Chief Sub._ Oh yes. We verified it in the _Army List_. SNOOKS went -out with the Second Battalion when they were ordered to the front. -(_Continues reading._) "The soldiers dashed forward over the Tam-Tam -river, and up the steep sides of the Yah-Yah mountains, carrying all -before them." - -_Editor._ Sure of those names? - -_Chief Sub._ Yes, Sir; verified them on the map. (_Resumes reading._) -"Nothing could withstand the rain of lead and the row of steel. The -Chutnese attempted to use their 'pungarees'--a rude sort of pruning -knife--but without the slightest effect. Uttering their weird yells of -'Tomata, tomata,' and beating their drum-like vessels known over here -as 'bang-wangs,' they faltered, floundered and fled." - -_Editor._ Sure that those names are correct? - -_Chief Sub._ Quite, Sir. We verified the local colouring with MOKE'S -_Six Months in Chutney on the top of a Camel_. - -_Editor._ Very good. Is there much more? - -_Chief Sub._ About a third of a column, describing the taking of -the native village, the storming of the stockade, and the bivouac by -moonlight after the victory at Pennavilla. - -_Editor_ (_after consideration_). Well, it might give us an effective -line for the bill. (_A whistle is heard:_ Editor _listens at a -speaking-tube._) Afraid we must sacrifice it. Manager tells me there -is another rush of advertisements, so space is more precious than -ever. You had better boil it down into a three-line paragraph. - -_Chief Sub._ No need to do that, Sir. If there's a scarcity of room we -had better give the original telegram. - -_Editor._ The original telegram? - -_Chief Sub._ Yes, Sir; from which we have worked up the extended -account. Here it is. (_Reads._) "Loamshire, after a skirmish, has -reached Pennavilla." That, with a suitable heading, will just complete -the column. - -_Editor._ Quite so. - - [_Scene closes in upon the arrangement._ - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "WAS HE VERY MUCH CAST DOWN AFTER HE'D SPOKEN TO PAPA?" -"YES. THREE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS!"] - - * * * * * - -A MOAN IN MAYTIME. - -_By a Weary Waltonian._ - - Oh, Maytime is a gay time for the artist and the dangler, - The pretty girl, the parson, and the scout; - And it ought to be a time of rosy rapture for the angler, - In the capture of the delicate May trout. - But though SMUDGE, R.A., "feels fine" with his six upon the line, - And the dangler "does" the galleries with delight; - Though white-chokered clerics muster amidst eloquential fluster, - And our girls salute the Season sweet and bright; - Though the "Cattylog" vendors shout, and cab-runners scout and tout, - The disciple of Old IZAAK is not gay, - For although the "Grawnom" 's off, and the trout at "Alders" scoff, - The May Fly--drat it, does _not_ rise in May! - - * * * * * - -ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. - -EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. - -_House of Commons, Monday, May 13._--"Well," said the Member for the -Otley division of Yorkshire, "I suppose I've gone through as many -vicissitudes as most men. First I was a BARRAN, now I'm a baronite. -Really, I don't know but what, if they'd made me an earl, I wouldn't -go and sit in the House of Lords. Not because, as good Radical, I -don't despise them, but just to give them advantage of my company, and -place in their way a useful example. Instead of which, here's WOLMER -become Earl of SELBORNE, and insists upon continuing to sit with us!" - -Incursion of the Pirate Peer effectively managed. Those old -campaigners, GEORGE CURZON and ST. JOHN BRODRICK, took the business -in hand. The thing was to be a great surprise. Accordingly, took -the SPEAKER into confidence, also the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD (The Little -Minister, MACFARLANE, who has just been reading BARRIE, calls him), -PRINCE ARTHUR, JOSEPH, and a score or two others. The Pirate Peer -was to come down in hansom at four o'clock, to be met by BRODRICK -in Palace Yard; CURZON, armed to the teeth, standing at fifty paces -nearer entrance to House of Commons. - -BRODRICK, who likes to do the thing thoroughly, suggested that the -Pirate Peer should fly a black flag out of port-hole at top of -cab. CURZON liked idea, but thought it would attract inconvenient -attention. Finally compromised by arrangement that cabby should -tie bit of black ribbon on his whip. Effect symbolic without being -obtrusive. - -Everything went off excellently. Not a hitch in the arrangements. -Whilst questions still going on GEORGE CURZON, with frock-coat lightly -but firmly buttoned over a belt teeming with pistols, sauntered in -from lobby. Glanced carelessly round House. Accidentally, as it were, -placed himself between unsuspecting Sergeant-at-Arms and glass door -giving entrance to House. If the armed official attacked Pirate Peer -it should be across his (CURZON'S) body. - -At preconcerted signal BRODRICK rapidly entered; bustled down to Front -Opposition Bench. Attention of Members thus attracted, the Pirate -Peer followed, strode with firm step down House. "Just as if he were -walking the plank," said DONALD CURRIE, looking on admiringly. Before -House knew what had happened, there he sat, smiling and blushing, -between those pillars of Law and Order, JOE and COURTNEY. Never since -Parliaments began had British Constitution received such a staggering -blow. SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, whilst anxious to see destruction of -House of Lords, is not disposed to have stray fragments incorporated -with fabric of Commons. Called SPEAKER'S attention to presence in -their midst of the Pirate Peer. Asked what they were going to do with -him? - -An anxious moment. GEORGE CURZON tugged nervously at the arsenal -scarcely concealed under his frock coat. ST. JOHN BRODRICK -involuntarily stretched forth his hand in direction of Mace. Suppose -he were to seize it, sweep the Treasury Bench clear at a blow, whilst -GEORGE CURZON, with pistol in either hand, and dagger between his -teeth, let fly a volley or two? We might have had a revolution. -Quieter counsels prevailed. SPEAKER directed Pirate Peer to withdraw -below Bar whilst his case was being discussed. - -SELBORNE obeyed the mandate, and the ground thus left clear, JOE -and the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD had a tussle. JOSEPH accused the SQUIRE of -acting in a fit of temper. The SQUIRE retorted that it was not only -untrue, but that at the time of offering remark JOSEPH was perfectly -well acquainted with its entire freedom from the trammels of truth. - -[Illustration: The Pirate's Convoy. Penny plain, Twopence coloured.] - -"Dear me," said Pirate Peer, looking round uneasily. "I hope they -don't talk like that in the House of Lords." - -_Business done._--Clause I. Welsh Disestablishment Bill through -Committee. - -_Tuesday._--Pirate Peer in the offing again. Ran in, as before, under -protection of guns of consorts, GEORGE CURZON and ST. JOHN BRODRICK. -Lay to under gallery whilst question discussed at large. House never -able to keep up interest in this kind of thing over successive days. -Novel and exciting enough yesterday; steam not to be got up for second -day. Only for JOE, business would have come to conclusion after -formal proposal by SQUIRE OF MALWOOD to refer whole matter to Select -Committee. JOSEPH'S interposition led to inevitable row. Wanted, for -some inexplicable reason, to drag in CARMICHAEL. Quoted _Debrett_ to -establish his claim to dormant Earldom of Hyndford. - -JOE left alone in advocacy of this line. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD had rare -good time. Read passage from JOE'S speech of last year, when question -to succession of Coleridge Barony under discussion. Had said then -exactly the reverse of what he to-day averred in respect of succession -to Selborne Peerage, and status of new Peer in House of Commons. - -[Illustration: Evidently a Dormant Duke! (Mr. Kn-tchb-ll-H-g-ss-n.)] - -"The fatal thing about JOSEPH," said SARK, "is that when he makes a -statement on one side of a case or the other, he does it with such -point, in such felicitous phrase, with such convincing emphasis, that -it sticks in the memory. When, twelve months or nine years later, -circumstances lead him to other side of question, he delivers himself -on it with same incomparable gifts of point and lucidity. The bringing -out of his former assertion is not so conclusive as you would think, -because the two--affirming a thing is white one day, protesting on the -next it is black--are so evenly balanced that the case stands exactly -where it did. This sharp confronting of JOSEPH denying with JOSEPH -affirming would be fatal to some men. To our JOE it is not even -embarrassing. House roars with delight. He sits silent, apparently -unconcerned, and somebody else will suffer by-and-by." - -_Business done._--Committee appointed to inquire into case of the -Pirate Peer. - -_Thursday._--The longer Major RASCH lives, the fainter grows his faith -in the nobility of human nature. To-night brought down with him a -few carefully selected, choice specimens of the American pea-bug. -Naturally expected everybody would welcome the little stranger. -Especially interesting to Minister of Agriculture. Being a man of -taste, Major had installed the insects in dainty _bon-bon_ box; swung -it lightly between forefinger and thumb as he inquired what HERBERT -GARDNER meant to do about it? "Will the right hon. gentleman," he -said, "have consignments of peas coming from America marked as such, -and put in bond, so that the bugs may develop there, and not in the -British market garden?" - -At this way of putting it, SQUIRE OF MALWOOD pricked up his ears. To -quick instincts of CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER bugs in bond suggested -new field of taxation. Made a note of it. - -The GRAND YOUNG GARDNER smiled at the claims of long descent put -forward by RASCH on behalf of the tenants of his _bon-bon_ box. -"Nothing new in it," he said superciliously. "Known the creature all -my official life. Your so-called American pea-bug is nothing more than -the pea and bean weevil. Came over with the Conqueror. Agricultural -Department even now publishing leaflet describing manners and customs -of the early settler, and suggesting various ways of soothing its last -moments." - -[Illustration: "I may have been Rash."] - -This hard; sorer still conduct of Members immediately near the Major. -Began to sheer off, putting him, so to speak, in quarantine. - -"I don't care," said TOMLINSON, "whether its American pea-bugs or the -pea and bean weevil. What I do say is that no man has any business to -bring such things with him into the social circle." - -"I may have been Rash," said the Major humbly. - -"You are," said TOMLINSON tartly. - -_Business done._--Coolness sprung up between TOMLINSON and Major -RASCH. Budget Bill read second time. - -_Friday._--"Pity the sorrows of the poor postman, whose wandering -steps has brought him to your door." Thus KEARLEY, in a long speech, -from which it appeared that if there is a down-trodden fellow-creature -whose state looks hopeless, it is the postman. The story of the man in -Wales who trudged seventy miles a day, including the diurnal ascent -of a mountain 7,000 feet high, sent thrill of horror through House. -KEARLEY subsequently explained he meant 700 feet high. But that a -detail. Seven seems to be this man's fateful number, for his pay is -seven shillings a week--a shilling a day, including the mountain. - -ARNOLD MORLEY, on other hand, showed that the lot of the postman is -truly idyllic. Handsomely paid when on duty; booted and uninformed; -is accustomed to retire in the prime of life on pension amounting to -two-thirds of his salary. - -"Why," said WILLIE REDMOND, thinking regretfully of days that are -no more, when JOSEPH GILLIS carried the bag, "as things go now, it's -better to be a postman than an Irish Member." Finally decided -to appoint Committee to inquire into truth of these conflicting -statements. - -_Business done._--Didn't get into Committee on Civil Service -Estimates. - - * * * * * - -NEW VERSION OF AN OLD PROVERB. (_For the Use of Local -Optionists._)--One Vetoist may keep a toper from his favourite pub; -but fifty cannot make him drink--water. - - * * * * * - -"THE IMMORTAL WILLIAMS" ON THE ANTI-BRITISH MOVEMENT IN EGYPT.--"Oh, -my prophetic soul, DELONCLE!"--_Shakspeare, adapted from the French._ - - * * * * * - - - - -Transcriber's Note: - -Page 245: 'conseqeuntly' corrected to 'consequently'. - -"... and Mr. HOWE was consequently appointed to the post." - - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. -108, May 25, 1895, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, MAY 25, 1895 *** - -***** This file should be named 44850-8.txt or 44850-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/8/5/44850/ - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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