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diff --git a/44850-0.txt b/44850-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..30944ff --- /dev/null +++ b/44850-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1374 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44850 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +Volume 108, May 25th 1895. + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + + + +[Illustration: STUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFE. + +UNCLE TOBY AND THE WIDOW WADMAN, AS THEY MIGHT HAVE BEEN. + +["_Uncle Toby and Widow Wadman._" C. R. LESLIE, R.A. Exhibited at the +Royal Academy in 1831.]] + + * * * * * + +A MARK AGAINST DENMARK.--At the beginning of last week it was +midsummer weather, and _not_ to have cast off winter clothing and +donned light attire would have been deemed "Midsummer madness." But by +Thursday "_on a changé tout cela_," except the clothes, and we were +in midwinter! The _Daily Telegraph's_ weather-clerk observed, that all +"this resulted from a deep depression in Denmark." It certainly caused +deep depression here; and there must be "something rotten in the State +of Denmark" which ought to be looked to immediately. Ere these lines +appear we hope--sincerely hope--that we shall have retraced our steps +towards summer. + + * * * * * + +QUERY SUGGESTED.--We read in the _Financial Times_ that "A corner in +camphor is, it is stated, being arranged." Is to be in "a corner in +camphor" as good as being "laid up in lavender"? + + * * * * * + +A CENTURY OF CENTURIES. + + [By scoring 288 in the match Gloucester _v._ Somerset at + Bristol, on May 17, Mr. W. G. GRACE, now nearing his 47th + birthday, made his hundredth innings of 100 runs or over in + first-class matches.] + + "_O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!_" + Sang _Punch_ on the seventeenth instant May, + With a true Jabberwockian chortle, + As he saw the swipe, on the Bristol ground, + Which worked GRACE'S hundred of centuries round; + A record ne'er equalled by mortal. + + "My beamish boy"--of nigh forty-seven-- + There isn't a cheerier sight under heaven + Than W. G. at the wicket. + When your "vorpal" bat "goes snicker-snack," + _Punch_ loves to lie, with a tree at his back, + And watch what _he_ calls Cricket. + + And now, as a topper of thirty years, + After many hopes, and a few faint fears. + (Which _Punch_ never shared for a jiffy.) + You've done the trick! Did your pulse beat quick + As you crept notch by notch within reach of the nick? + Did even _your_ heart feel squiffy? + + _Punch_ frankly owns _his_ went pit-a-pat + While he followed the ball and watched your bat + As the nineties slowly tottled; + And the boys of the Bristol Brigade held breath, + In an anxious silence as still as death. + But oh! like good fizz unbottled, + + We all "let go" with a loud "hooray" + As the leather was safely "put away" + For that hundredth hundred. Verily, + _Now_ you're the "many centuried" GRACE! + And for many a year may you keep top place, + Piling three-figure innings right merrily! + + * * * * * + +GAME FROM THE HIGHLANDS.--A "Scotch Golfer of Twenty Years' Standing" +(poor man! he certainly ought to be invited to take the chair at any +Golf meeting!) writes to the _Liverpool Daily Post_ complaining that +novices in England will persist in sounding the letter "l" in the +title of the sport, "although on every green from John o' Groats to +Airlie it remains silent in the mouth of player and caddie alike." As +the Golfer "puts" it, the name should be "goff," or even "gowf." As +long as there is plenty of acreage for the game, an "_ell_" is not +worth mentioning. + + * * * * * + +MUSICAL NOTE of "Herr WILLY BURMESTER"--or "Our" WILLY. "Bless you!" +as the old salt said; "he fiddles like a angel!" Of course, like all +violinists, the hair of his head is peculiar, but his airs on his +violin are marvellous in execution. + + * * * * * + +UNIVERSITY PRIVILEGE NOT GENERALLY KNOWN.--When a resident Oxonion is +suffering from a bronchial attack he is entitled to the professional +attendance (gratis) of "The Curators of the Chest." + + * * * * * + +EXTRA-ORDINARY SELF-ANNIHILATING CANNIBALS.--Children, when they +over-eat themselves. + + * * * * * + +THE WAIL OF THE WALWORTH WOTER. + + ["Many of our men have certainly been got at."--_Walworth + Liberal Agent._] + + "Got at," my boy? Well, that's a fack; + Yet not by LANSBURY, READE, or BAILEY. + But by the burdens on our back, + As seem a-gettin' heavier daily. + Trade's bloomin' bad, and rents is high; + Yet more and more the Guv'ment axes. + Progress, old man, is all my heye,-- + As means raised rents, and rates, and taxes. + School Boards, Free Liberies, an' such, + With County Council schemes, _look_ proper; + When they _too_ 'ard poor pockets touch + On them the poor _must_ put a stopper. + Fust we 'ave got to live, I say; + To pay our way, and grub our young 'uns. + Will Rads make that more easier, hay, + Than wot you call "Bible and Bung'uns"? + By Jingo, if you want our wotes, + You'll git 'em, not by playing peeper, + Or wetoing beer from our poor throats; + But--making life easier and cheaper! + _Got at?_ Wy, yus, by want o' grub, + And rents an' taxes too extensive; + And so we'll weto--_not_ the Pub, + _But "Progress" wot comes too expensive!_ + + * * * * * + +PARTIES IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.--Besides the usual number of parties, +there will always be, during the fine summer weather, Tea-parties. + + * * * * * + +CONTRADICTION.--Tremendous "Crushing Reports" come in from the mines, +and, in spite of this, mining shares are better than ever. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HERCULES AND OMPHALE; OR, PETTICOAT GOVERNMENT. + +_Hercules_ (_Prince Bismarck_). "I BELIEVE THAT FEMALE SYMPATHY WITH +OUR POLITICAL INSTITUTIONS IS A MUCH STRONGER BULWARK AGAINST SOCIAL +DEMOCRACY THAN OUR REVOLUTION BILL WOULD HAVE BEEN IF IT HAD BEEN +PASSED." (_See Daily Papers._)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _New Assistant_ (_after hair-cutting, to Jones, who +has been away for a couple of weeks_). "YOUR 'AIR IS VERY THIN BE'IND, +SIR. TRY SINGEING!" + +_Jones_ (_after a pause_). "YES, I THINK I WILL." + +_N. A._ (_after singeing_). "SHAMPOO, SIR? GOOD FOR THE 'AIR, SIR." + +_Jones._ "THANK YOU. YES." + +_N. A._ "YOUR MOUSTACHES CURLED?" + +_Jones._ "PLEASE." + +_N. A._ "MAY I GIVE YOU A FRICTION?" + +_Jones._ "THANK YOU." + +_N. A._ "WILL YOU TRY SOME OF OUR----" + +_Manager_ (_who has just sighted his man, in Stage whisper_). "YOU +IDIOT! _HE_'S A SUBSCRIBER!!"] + + * * * * * + +WAITING FOR NASRULLA. + + ["The original arrangements for NASRULLA KHAN'S reception + in London have undergone considerable alteration."--_Daily + Paper._] + +"Of course we ought to act on precedent." said Wise Man Number One. +"We can't be far out if we do that." + +"I am not so sure," replied Number Two of the Series. "When the SHAH +came over we gave him a prize-fight at Buckingham Palace, and the +entertainment subsequently caused much hostile criticism in Clapham." + +"It is to be regretted," sighed the Third, "that the Polytechnic +Institution no longer exists. It would have amused his Highness to +have descended in the diving bell." + +"No doubt," put in the initial speaker; "but something of the same +effect might be obtained by conducting NASRULLA either to the Museum +of Mines in Jermyn Street or the Diploma Gallery at Burlington House." + +"Quite so. And what do you say to the Natural History Museum, and a +special visit in semi-state to the top of the Monument?" + +This suggestion was well received. Then a trip to Kew, and a ride on +the Elephant at the Zoo were considered not unfavourably. + +"Shall he go to any of the theatres?" was the next question. + +"It may be a little dangerous to his morals if he understands +English," seemed to be the popular answer. + +Then a visit to a music-hall under the immediate supervision of the +London County Council was proposed. + +Then a Wise Man (less sage than the majority of his fellows) proposed +a little "slumming." + +"He might visit the East End, and pass a night in a Casual Ward." + +Fortunately for the honour of the British Empire the proposal was +negatived without the formality of a division. + +"Could he be exhibited at a side show, either at Sydenham, Earl's +Court, or West Kensington?" + +Again there was a shout of "No." The visit of the Representative of +the Ameer was not to be made a source of income to the Imperial, or, +if it came to that, any other Exchequer. + +"Besides," said the initial speaker, "the British Public does not care +for paying for its raree-show. When we _do_ get hold of a native, we +like to find him on view free, gratis and for nothing." + +Then it was agreed that NASRULLA should appear at the Queen's Birthday +Parade, and other "features" were discussed with animation. + +"But what the KHAN will ultimately do, Sir," murmured an experienced +official at the conclusion of the confab, "only Time can show--with +the assistance of the Government." + + * * * * * + +A NEW TERROR.--Politics on the stage. In ENRY HAUTHOR JONES'S _Bauble +Shop_ at the Criterion we were taken into the House of Commons and got +somehow mixed up with Party Politics; but in _The Home Secretary_, +Mr. CARTON, it appears, has attempted to drag his audience, with Mr. +CHARLES WYNDHAM, into the inner circle of Parliamentary life. What +next? A debate on the Budget in Four Acts? Or shall we have, in five +Parliamentary Acts, with a Prologue and Epilogue, the Comedy with +a short Jonesian title called _Home Rule for Ireland: or, how the +O'Reillys, the Maguires, and the Kellys went into the Opposition +Lobby, and how one Government came in and the other went out, &c. +&c.?_ Save us from politics on the stage! There was just enough of the +political element in _Dora_ to give it a peculiar interest. But then +_Dora_ was written by VICTORIEN SARDOU. + + * * * * * + +ROYAL MILITARY TOURNAMENT.--The initials being "R. M. T." will _not_ +be descriptive of the state of the seats in the Agricultural Hall +during the performance. The announcement will be "Are Quite Full," not +"R. _M. T._" + + * * * * * + +QUOTATION FOR LONDONER LAST WEEK, ON SEEING THE DUKE OF YORK IN PALL +MALL.--"I know that man, he comes from Sheffield." + + * * * * * + +THE NEW COINS.--It was announced that the reverse was to have been +altered. On the contrary, it is quite the reverse. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CLASSIC QUOTATIONS ILLUSTRATED. + +(_For the Use of Schools._) + +EXAMPLE II.--"PALMAM QUI MERUIT FERAT."] + + * * * * * + +THE POET AND HIS INTERVIEWERS. + +I do not dwell in a back-attic with the windows pasted up with brown +paper, neither do I wallow up to my eyes in a litter of manuscript +with flue on the carpet and dust on all the furniture. If ye, or the +Public, have any such impression, ye are very much mistaken. I may be +a literary person and a prose-poet; but I live quite respectably, and +have everything handsome about me. Come and see! + +Ye will find the doorsteps freshly scoured, and the door-handle +brightly polished--which ye will make a note of after ye have rung the +bell. + +A trim parlourmaid--whom ye will allude to as "a neat-handed +PHYLLIS"--will open the door, and request ye to wipe your dirty boots +upon the doormat in the passage--which ye are expected to mention as +the "spacious entrance hall." + +I shall stand on the threshold of my dining-room, and receive ye with +as much surprise as if the visit were not by previous appointment; +shall accompany ye through all my rooms, and tell ye interesting facts +about the china and the chimney ornaments. I shall not object to your +bringing a camera and taking views of my "cosy corner" and my hat and +umbrella-stand. + +They are exactly like those of everybody else, so they are sure to be +pleasing to an art-loving Public. + +Ye will find in the drawing-room the perfume of many flowers--provided +I do not forget to send out for some penny bunches of violets +beforehand--and ye can take a photograph of the cottage piano and +my pet canary (which usually has its habitation in the kitchen, as I +loathe all birds--but this is _not_ for publication). + +I will show ye the stand of wax-flowers fashioned by my maternal +grandmother--which will give ye an opportunity of commenting upon the +heredity of genius in my talented family--and ye may peer into the +silver _épergne_ that was presented to my Uncle at the Cattle Show for +a prize pig. Ye will probably think it necessary to make a copy of the +inscription. + +In the study--to which I shall humorously allude as my "den"--there +is little of general interest except my old carpet slippers. Mayhap +ye will point to a few pipes that lie on the mantelpiece; but they +are merely "properties," for the public expects all striking literary +personalities to write with pipes in their mouths. + +Come to me! I fear ye not. It is ye who confer celebrity. I know ye +so well. I shall follow ye out into the garden, and ye shall carry +stylographs in your waistcoat pockets, and I will relate to ye +my early literary experiences, give ye my theories on the Social +Question, and let ye kodak my child in its perambulator. + +I know ye; ye will convey a totally false impression of my views, +which I shall have to write to all the leading journals to correct. Ye +will force me into the publicity and self-advertisement from which my +sensitive soul shrinks. Ye will describe the insides of my rooms, +for the benefit of the buzzing swarm which has hitherto shown no +overwhelming curiosity concerning the insides of my works. + +Still, I do not mind your coming, provided that ye give me an +opportunity of revising a proof of the interview. Ye are necessary +nuisances. + + * * * * * + +BETWEEN THE LINES. + + ["The insertion of advertisements at enhanced prices in + the very body of a magazine is the noblest achievement of + journalistic enterprise. This intrinsically beautiful idea, + however, admits of considerable development in the near + future, unless, as is improbable, the reading public declines + to take its romantic literature in piebald strata."--_The Type + Worm._] + +A TWENTIETH CENTURY IDYLL. + +Lazily, dreamily, we floated down the pellucid stream, ASPASIA at the +single thwart, I, her loved one, at the tiller. The last gleaner +had left the fields. Over the grave of the dead sun I saw the eye of +Hesperus, early and thoughtful. The words of the Poet Laureate came +back to me; it seemed that "in yonder Orient star a hundred spirits +whispered + +[Illustration] + +[_KEEP YOUR HAIR ON! Try our own Fertiliser. The Next-of-Kin-but-One +to the Hohenpfefferkorn dynasty writes:--"I have tried your lotion +for a vacancy in the crown, and should in all human probability have +succeeded, but for the birth of an infant in the direct line. Make +what use of this you like. It has been none to me."_] + +"Peace!" Now the light shallop trembled to the stroke of ASPASIA'S +sculls, and the brawny muscles lifted beneath her flannel suiting. +Myself so frail, I adore the pride and prowess of womanhood, that +moves through the world conquering and to conquer. This life of the +open air, so free, so expansive, that despises the thought of + +[_COHESIVE CORSETS.--Supply the want, or disguise the existence, of +adipose deposit. Send immediately a plaster cast of your bust. Insure +against fracture in the Parcel Post._] + +control or seclusion, how different from that of men, studiously +repressed in a hothouse atmosphere of fashion and traditional +proprieties. We only guess of their world from hearsay or from books. +And most of these are by women for women, and Papa says they are not +fit for innocent men to read. And so we have to be content to study +dress and the lures that fascinate the other sex. But they--they go +forth to fight our battles, make our laws, have their part in the stir +and excitement of + +[_THE BENEFICENT COVER SYSTEM.--You pay your money and we pocket it._ +No further liabilities whatever.] + +the world, while we sit at home and tattle over the tea-things and +marry when we're asked. And, _à propos_, how I longed to tell ASPASIA +that my heart is hers! But I am a man; it was for _her_ to speak. + +At last she pulled herself together with the self-assurance of a woman +who knows that + +[_OUR MATCHES STRIKE ONLY ON THE TROUSERS._] + +the weaker sex is at her mercy. "Dear ARIEL," she began, and her deep +mulierile notes vibrated through my fluttering chest; "dear ARIEL, +this halcyon eve, this ethereal air that breathes the subtle incense +of eucalyptus--all, all, invite me to offer you + +[_LITTLE TEASERS.--For the liver. As used in the Russo-Japanese +negotiations. The Arch-Prince General VON SCHPLITVISKI sends us the +following despatch:--"Plenipotentiary ITA BINO had a difference +with me on the question of a peninsula. Two of your LITTLE TEASERS, +however_, came home to him, _and he is now more amenable. You have +my authority for stating that your system of internal adjustment has +averted a disastrous and even stupid war."_ + + [_Left advertising._ + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Opening of Opera._ _Monday, May 13._--Crowded house. _Grand Otello +Co._ unlimited. The Orchestra has been sunk four feet, thus giving +Stalls clear view of stage. DRURIOLANUS proposes a puzzler "Orchestra +_lowered_," he says, "yet all performers in it _hired!_" Royal +Highnesses present. DRURIOLANUS, taking happy musical publishers' +points of view, looks towards Royal Box and murmurs "'Royalties' on +music." ALBANI surpasses herself as _Desdemona:_ quite wonder that +_Otello-Tamagno_ has the heart to smother her with pillow after her +song about the willow. Signor PESSINA as _Iago:_ rather a ponderous +villain. Pecuniary operatic prospects exceptionally good: at all +events, possessing JEAN DE RESZKE, TAMAGNO, and BERTRAN, DRURIOLANUS +has "three tenners" in hand to start with. + +[Illustration: Vocal and Orchestral. Marguerite and Strauss.] + +_Tuesday._--BOÏTO'S _Mefistofele_. "An opera that 'grows on you,'" +says LOUNGER in the Lobby. "If there were a probability of many +such growing on _you_, my dear LOUNGER," quoth Sir DRURIOLANUS, with +satirical affability, "you would be worth cultivating." The advantage +of a long opera, with disconnected acts, is, that you can "pick +'em where you like," as the coster says of the walnuts, and come in +anywhere for something good. MAGGIE MACINTYRE is "getting a big girl +now." Charming as _Margherita_ and _La belle Hélène_. Signor DE LUCIA +a rather timorous and bashful _Faust_, with one eye for MAGGIE and the +other for NELLI (short for MANCINELLI), as if praying the latter to +conduct him safely and keep him from temptation to go wrong. _Faust_ +in situation of TOOLE in _The Houseboat_, when he used to exclaim, +"SARAH! I'm slipping!" PLANÇON equally good as _Jupiter_ or +_Mefistofele_; this time it is _Mefisto_. + +_Wednesday._--_Le Prophète._ In spite of name, unprofitable opera. +Signor TAMAGNO (or familiarly TAM AGNO), as _Jean of Leyden_, rather +over-laden, but bearing burthen bravely. TAM receives big _encore_ +in Star-spangled Banner Hymn. The two CORSIS and CASTELMARY ably +represent Liberator Firm of _Jonas, Zaccaria, Mathisen & Co._, always +ready to draw on their false prophet in order to save their own +credit. Two CORSIS and dessert to follow. Beaming BEVIGNANI conducts +invisible orchestra. + +_Thursday._--Sudden change from summer to winter. Comparatively thin +house. Ladies as wrapperees in furs. Everyone welcoming _Pagliacci, or +the Mummers_, as pantomime suitable to season. In spite of this, warm +welcome to _Pagliacci_ and to Madame FANNY MOODY as _Nedda_. She is +quite the character: Moody yet lively. ANCONA and DE LUCIA good and +dramatic as ever as _Tonio_ and _Canio_. _Début_ of Miss MARIE ENGLE, +who, whether German or French, will be a favourite with the +Engle-ish, starting uncommonly well as _Little Bo-Peep-Baucis_. _King +Jove-Plançon_ and _Vulcan-Castelmary_, the limping Olympian, excellent +as usual. Everyone suffering from wintry blasts in stalls envies +_Vulcan_ rubbing his hands and warming himself at _Bonnard-Philémon's_ +fire. Such a night in May is enough to knock any piece to shivers. The +conductors of the operatic 'bus were, for the first journey, Soothing +SEPPILLI; and for the second, Beaming BEVIGNANI. + +_Friday._--Still wintry. Italian-German opera _Lohengrin_, with +Cosmopolitan Caste, going stronger than ever. House full and fully +satisfied. Hard to please if it had not been so, with ALBANI as +_Elsa_,--(says WAGSTAFF, affecting a drawl, "Nobody else-a can touch +her in this"),--_Jupiter-Plançon_ as a King, not of gods but men, and +BERTRAN, from La Scala, as a _First-Knight Lohengrin_. As to intruder +_Ortruda_ and Terrible _Telramonda_, these heavy weights are lifted +by Mlle. OLITZKA and Signor ANCONA. Monarchical MANCINELLI treats Time +like a dusty carpet, beating it strongly. + +_Saturday._--Crowded house to welcome old friend _Trovatore_. PESSINA +as the wicked nobleman; and TAMAGNO--now known as "TAM"--in splendid +voice for the Trovatore himself. "TAM" doubly encored after +"_Di quella pira_." JULIA RAVOGLI not quite the _Azucena_. Mlle. +BAUERMEISTER'S first appearance this season: as heroine's sympathetic +companion BAUERMEISTER combines the "_utile_" with the "_dulce_." +MAGGIE MACINTYRE vocally good, dramatically puzzling. House happy: +DRURIOLANUS delighted. Fine finish to first week. + + * * * * * + +ROUNDABOUT READINGS. + +There is only one Parish Council in England which is presided over +by a lady. Her name is JANE SHAKESPEARE, and she rules the parochial +deliberations of Netherseal in Leicestershire. No doubt it will be +found by her councillors that JANE hath a way with her, and thus she +will be brought into line with her illustrious namesake. + + * * * + + [At Gamlingay, in Cambridgeshire, Mr. DEW declined to + undertake the duties of cemetery superintendent for a salary + of £5, and Mr. HOWE was consequently appointed to the post.] + +[Illustration] + + Mr. DEW, when he heard of the offer, looked blue; + He considered a fiver was less than his due. + How do it? The question gave rise to no row, + For Miss Echo replied, and her answer was HOWE. + + * * * + +_Congratulations to Mr. F. Mitchell, of Cambridge University, on his +innings of_ 191 _runs against Somerset_. + + The men of the county had studied their pitch ill; + They did what they could, but they couldn't bowl MITCHELL. + His masterly cutting the bowlers appals, + For the grass being short, he makes hay of their balls. + + * * * + +A writer in _The Manchester Guardian_ declares that the main road +between Bolton and Bury is in a shocking condition. What is the road +between Bolton and Bury? Bolton suggests that he who fights and runs +away lives to fight another day, but Bury seems to indicate a path of +glory leading to the grave--which things are a paradox. In any case, I +endorse the writer's suggestion-- + + That Alderman HULTON should harness his colt on, + And drive o'er the road between Bury and Bolton. + The chock-holes and paving are terrible--very, + And he may find his tomb e'er he comes back to Bury. + + * * * + +There was a gas explosion the other day in Dublin at the house of a +Mr. ATOCK. The report states that Mr. ATOCK'S injuries were dressed +and he and his family afterwards left for the house of Mr. ATOCK +senior, at Phibsborough. Ph[oe]bus, what a name! As the capital city +of the regions of, shall we say, perverted veracity, nothing could be +fitter. In any case, condolences to Mr. ATOCK. Is the Blarney stone in +Phibsborough? + + * * * + +What is "dockisation"? Whatever it is, they have been debating upon it +at Bristol, and the proceedings are described as "decidedly lively." +The protagonists were Mr. DE RIDDER and Alderman PROCTOR BAKER. + + Dockisation, I think, is a question of docks, + And at Bristol it lately gave rise to hard knocks. + "Let's be rid of a scheme which is bad for the town," + Said DE RIDDER, whose statements excited a frown. + But they smiled on beholding this argument-maker + By a Proctor well caught and done brown by a Baker. + + * * * * * + +LEEDS LEADS! + +_Or, Welcome News from the North._ + + ["The tenor of market reports concerning all the main + industries out of which the citizens of Leeds make their + living ... suggests the advent of a turn for the better, + commercially, that may almost claim to rank as an industrial + revolt."--_The Yorkshire Post._] + + Hooray! Food for hope the Tyke Town surely yields. + The "Sun of York" shines on the Cardigan Fields + (Which now should be called the Elysian). + The Capitalist and the Builder unite + To throw light upon Leeds. Let's sing, "Leeds! kindly light!" + (Which we hope will not shock the precisian.) + Oh! Bradford and Huddersfield, Dewsbury, Batley!-- + (These Yorkshire names fall into rhythm most patly)-- + Your returns and reports Trade is heeding, + In hope that the storm, like the North, we may weather, + With WALKER AND SONS (there is nothing like leather!), + Those great "Men of (Leeds) Light and Leading!" + + * * * * * + +APPROPRIATE.--Fixed service for "Tied Houses" should be the bounden +duty of Tide-waiters. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN EMBARRASSING QUESTION. + +"WHY HAVE YOU GOT SUCH A BARE NECK, MUMMIE?" + +"I'M GOING TO A DANCE, DARLING. ONE _HAS_ TO DRESS LIKE THIS FOR A +DANCE!" + +"DO THE LADIES DANCE IN ONE ROOM, AND THE GENTLEMEN IN ANOTHER, +MUMMIE?"] + + * * * * * + +THE PREMIER'S CRUISE. + +_Portsmouth, Monday._--Thank heaven! Got rid of politics for a season. +Off to Cowes, as guest of SPENCER, on board _Enchantress_. Admirable +institution, an Admiralty yacht; reconciles one to Naval Estimates, +almost. But there!--must _not_ think of Estimates now. Must try and +remember this is a holiday, to get ozone and sleep--especially sleep. + +_Cowes._--SPENCER really _very_ nautical. Talks of fast cruisers and +water-tube boilers all the time. Great on torpedo-destroyers. Says +the _Havoc_ "goes twenty-five knots an hour." Well then, why can't +HARCOURT get up the same pace with our Bills? Wish he'd turn into a +Parliamentary _Havoc_. Mention this to SPENCER, who laughs, and says, +"It's the Opposition who indulge in twenty-five Nots an hour." +Believe SPENCER means it as a joke. Turn in, and think of HARCOURT and +SPENCER'S joke and Twin-Screw Cabinets and Water-veto-boiler Bills. +Wretched night! + +_Portland, Tuesday Morning._--Rather unfair of SPENCER. Now he's got +me safely on board, he's always trying to persuade me that Navy +wants more money spent on it. More money! Refer him to HARCOURT, the +"inexorable _Jorkins_." Try to hide from SPENCER. No good. He finds me +behind a coil of rope on half-quarter-deck--_is_ it half-quarter-deck? +Not sure, and don't like to ask--and begins again. Seems he would +like a few more millions for guns. Thought we had heaps of guns. Talks +about a ship he calls _The Hecckler_. What a name! Reminds me of every +political meeting I've ever attended. Why will Lords of Admiralty give +such names? SPENCER explains--seems it's _Hecla_, not _Hecckler_. Oh! +All right. Fear SPENCER begins to think me rather a land-lubber. Got +me at an advantage here. Wait till I take him to Newmarket Heath! + +_Off Plymouth._--Down in engine-room. Tell head stoker that House of +Lords is an effete institution. Stoker winks. _Can_ he be a Tory? Tell +him it's a "gilded prison." Stoker seems surprised, and asks, "Why I +don't chuck it up, then?" Curious--no repartee handy. And I am so good +at them, generally. Must consult "_Fridoline_," _traduit de l'Anglais +de "Happy Thoughts,"_ to see what would be a "repartee to a stoker." +Bed. SPENCER won't hear of it as bed; talks of "turning-in to his +bunk." What an enthusiastic "First Lord" SPENCER does make! Thinking +of First Lord, wonder who'll be Last Lord? Go on wondering till dawn. +What a noise swabbing the deck makes! Wish I were back at the Durdans! + +_Scilly Islands, Wednesday._--Blue sea, lovely weather. Delightful to +have left all worries, all politics, far behind, and to---- Boat seen +approaching from land. Man says he has a telegram for me! Oh, hang +telegrams! Wish I were well out at sea. What can it be about? Japan? +Siam? Chitral? No. Only to tell me result of Walworth and West Dorset +elections! Hem! Seems I _am_ at sea--politically. Thoughtless of +ASQUITH to have wired me on the subject. HOMER handsomely beaten. Why +didn't he stick to his Iliad? And READE--deserves the Old Bailey for +being licked by the new one! Question now is--where's our majority? +Ask SPENCER. SPENCER replies it's "as plain as a marlinspike." Says +Walworth lost because not enough money spent on Navy. Assures me +Navy "much more important than Army; in fact, it's the Predominant +Partner." This is _too_ much! Ask SPENCER, as a favour, to maroon me +on some desolate isle--say Lundy. Won't do it. Bribe a sailor. Landed +at Lizard. Off to town! Next time I want sea air, shall run down to +Clacton on the "Belle." + + * * * * * + +OXFORD DEGREES.--Certainly Messrs. DAN LENO and ALBERT CHEVALIER +should have Masterships of Arts conferred on them. The "_Voces +Stellarum_" at the Oxford Observatory (otherwise Music Hall) are well +worth hearing. Mr. BURNETT (J. P.) has just issued a brochure on this +Music-Astronomical subject, chiefly remarkable for a brief essay on +"The Pantomimic Art," by PAUL MARTINETTI, whose right to speak on such +a theme, as an authority, may be arrived at by any one who sees this +most artistic pantomimist in a short melodramatic piece--a piece +which thoroughly tells its own tale without words--now being performed +nightly at the Oxford. It is admirable. If action can do so much, then +why not a Shakspearian play in action, and "the student" could read +the words to himself at home? We recommend the idea to Mr. PAUL +MARTINETTI, and should advise him to re-arrange _Don Quixote_, as "a +piece without words," for Mr. HENRY IRVING, who now looks and acts the +part to perfection; the piece itself might then be of the actor, that +is,--if action were substituted for its very poor dialogue. + + * * * * * + +POLITICS À LA PERKYN MIDDLEWICK.--The Radical wire-pullers now regard +the middle-class Walworth voters (for Mr. BAILEY) as "Shop 'uns," +and the county division which returned Colonel WILLIAMS as "inferior +Dosset"! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GREAT CRY AND LITTLE WO(O)L-MER!" + +BATHING WOMAN. "COME ALONG, MASTER SELBORNE, AND TAKE YOUR DIP LIKE A +LITTLE NOBLEMAN!"] + + * * * * * + +THE SCARLET PARASOL. + +SCENE I.--_Terrace in front of quaint old country house._ VIOLA +TRAVERS _and_ MURIEL VANE _on garden-chairs._ VIOLA _is twenty, +dark-eyed, and animated; she holds a scarlet parasol._ MURIEL _is +eighteen; she has very fair hair, parted with puritanical precision; +the naïve innocence of her manner is not without a suggestion of +artistic premeditation._ + +_Muriel_ (_embroidering_). It is a marvel to me, VIOLA, that you can +ever have a discontented moment in a house so Elizabethan as this. + +_Viola._ It _is_ lovely, MURIEL; a background for mystery and romance. +And I have no romance. I have everything else; but I have not a +romance. + +_Muriel._ You have ALBERT. + +_Viola._ You know that ALBERT is not a romance. + +_Muriel._ Once---- + +_Viola._ Ah, when everyone opposed our marriage. I married him for +love, and because he was poor and "unsuitable." How could I know +that his uncle would die and leave him money and a country house? +Everything has turned out so well! It is rather hard to have made "a +good match," as they say, without intending it. Of course, I never +reproach him. + +_Muriel._ No; you have been very nice about it. + +_Viola._ ALBERT is perfectly happy, playing at being a country +gentleman. He was so amazed to find there were real ducks and fowls in +the country--and buttercups! He tells me everything. He boasts we +tell each other everything. Oh! I should _so_ like to have some little +thing to conceal from him--some secret, just for fun! Of course I +should tell him all about it afterwards, you know. + +[Illustration: "Enter Alan Roy."] + +_Muriel._ I am sure you would, dear. You have dropped your +handkerchief. (MURIEL _picks up handkerchief, book, and paper-knife, +and gives them to_ VIOLA.) + +_Viola._ Dear MURIEL, it is so nice to have you here. You are so calm, +and soothing, and decorative, and you never take anyone away from +anyone else! + +_Muriel._ I think I _have_ been rather unfortunate lately, VIOLA. No +one seems to like me but middle-aged married men--often, too, with +whiskers! + +_Viola._ You mean poor Mr. AVERIDGE? He has been married so long that +he has forgotten all about it. To-night CLAUDE MIGNON is coming to +stay with us. He is the most accomplished idiot in London. He sings, +plays, paints, plays games, flirts--I think his flirting, though, has +rather gone off. It is getting mechanical. By the way, have you an +ideal, MURIEL? I wonder what is your ideal? + +_Muriel_ (_promptly and cheerfully_). A man past his first youth, who +has suffered; with iron-grey hair and weary eyes, who knows everything +about life and could guide me, and would do exactly what I told him. + +_Viola._ And _mine_ is a young man of genius, just beginning +life, with the world before him, who would look up to me as an +inspiration--a guiding star! + +_Muriel._ You have dropped your handkerchief again, VIOLA. Who is this +coming out? + +_Viola._ It is only Dr. ROBERTS. He has been to see JANE, the +housemaid. She has been rather ill. + +_Muriel._ I suppose she had a housemaid's knee. + +_Viola._ You are quite wrong. She had writer's cramp, poor thing! + +_Muriel._ How absurd, VIOLA! How are you, Dr. ROBERTS! + + [Dr. ROBERTS _has iron-grey hair and dark eyes. As he joins + them_ MURIEL _leans down to pat a dog with all the graceful + self-consciousness of youth._ Dr. ROBERTS _looks at_ VIOLA + _admiringly_. + +_Viola._ I hope poor JANE is better? + +_Dr. Roberts._ Oh yes; she is quite out of the wood now, Mrs. TRAVERS. +In fact, I don't think I need see her anymore. (MURIEL _looks up._) +Perhaps though, I had better just look in--say--on Thursday? + +_Viola._ Do; and stay and have some tennis. + + [Dr. ROBERTS _accepts with evident enthusiasm, and takes leave + with obvious regret_. + +_Muriel_ (_watching him drive away_). Dr. ROBERTS admires you +dreadfully. Is that a romance? + +_Viola._ For him perhaps--not for me! And it isn't a mystery! + + [_A telegram is brought in._ + +_Viola._ Oh, how delightful! ALAN ROY, the wonderful boy harpist, is +coming down! He's coming by the early train! He'll be here directly! + +_Muriel._ You never told me you had asked him! I suppose you forgot +it--or remembered it. Doesn't he profess to be even younger than he +is? I mean, when he was four, didn't he say he was three? I wonder if +he'll come down in a sailor-suit. + +_Viola._ He's quite nineteen. Here are those tiresome AVERIDGES again! +I thought I got rid of them for a long drive. (_Aloud._) Ah! Here is +dear Mr. AVERIDGE! + +_Mr. Averidge_ (_ponderously, to_ MURIEL). And how is Miss VANE +to-day? Looking as she always does, like a rose in June. + +_Muriel_ (_coldly_). Yes, Mr. AVERIDGE? + +_Viola_ (_to_ Mrs. AVERIDGE _and_ ALBERT, _who are coming up the steps +of the terrace_). ALAN ROY is coming down, _the_ ALAN ROY. He will be +here directly. + +_Albert._ All right, though I don't approve of child artists. Poor +little chap! + +_Viola._ He is very nearly quite grown up, ALBERT! He has golden hair +and any amount of _usage du monde_. + +_Muriel._ ALBERT will call it _cheek_--I daresay! + +_Mrs. Averidge._ He is most amusing. I met him at Lady BAYSWATER'S. He +looks quite an angel playing the harp. + +_Albert._ I hope he'll bring his halo in a hat-box. What is that text +about "Young lions do lack----" + +_Muriel._ Oh, ALBERT! + +_Servant._ Master ALAN ROY! + +_Albert_ (_aside_). Now, don't make the poor child shy. + + _Enter_ ALAN ROY. _Tall young man, in light grey suit. He + wears a turned-down collar, a pink button-hole, and carries a + little stick._ + +_Alan._ How _are_ you, Mrs. TRAVERS? So sweet of you to ask me! Isn't +it a _dear_ day! + + [_Greetings._ + +_Mr. Averidge._ And how did the infant prodigy manage to get here all +alone? + +_Alan._ I pushed myself in a perambulator. Miss VANE, you look like a +Botticelli in a Paris dress. I didn't bring my harp, _does_ it matter? + + [_Chorus of sham disappointment and real relief._ + +_Alan_ (_smiling_). It was dreadful of me! But I have been keeping the +poor thing up so late; I thought a rest---- + + [_Lunch is announced._ MURIEL _stoops to collect_ VIOLA'S + _handkerchief, &c._ + +_Alan_ (_to_ VIOLA). Oh, what a _sweet_ scarlet parasol! + + _Curtain. End of Scene 1._ + + (_To be continued._) + + * * * * * + +NEITHER FREE NOR EASY.--The Larne Town Commissioners cannot make up +their minds whether they shall acquire the McGarel Town Hall which +apparently (to judge from a report in the _Northern Whig_) appears +to be in the market. The room, it seems, would be used for a free +library. The Committee, after a very lengthy discussion, have +adjourned the consideration of the question to some distant date +for further information. In the meanwhile, no doubt, they will +appropriately adopt for the municipal motto "Live and Larne." + + * * * * * + +CYNIC TO POET. + + [The great lack of the Age is its want of distinction." + + COVENTRY PATMORE.] + + Alas, our poor Age! How against it we rage! + In the seat of the scorner the critics ne'er sat more. + If the pessimist bore would master her lore, + We've only to send him to Coventry--PATMORE! + The bards do not love it. But how to improve it? + That question the poets, like that of the Sphinx, shun. + Distinction my lad? If the Age is so bad, + I think its "great lack" is not that, but _extinction!_ + 'Tis easier far to abuse it than mend it, + Must we try MORLEY'S other alternative--end it? + + * * * * * + +A MUSICAL NOTE.--Such has been the success of Mlle. YVETTE GUILBERT, +that, _on dit_ (French must be used when speaking of this _lionne +comique_), it is not improbable she will be engaged to appear in a +part in the forthcoming Sullivan Savoy Opera, in which the relation +of librettists to composer is to be as two to one. If this be so, +then once more at the Savoy will there be a Sullivan-and-Guilbert +Combination. + + * * * * * + +"WHITAKER." + + [Mr. JOSEPH WHITAKER, founder and chief proprietor of + _Whitaker's Almanack_, died on the 15th May, aged 75.] + + Gone! His praises to rehearse + Might engage a friendly verse. + Time, for whom he did so much, + Surely dealt with gentle touch + With this man, of lucky star, + Who the famous calendar, + Schemed on an ingenious plan, + Gave to ever-grateful man. + Millions now would feel the lack + Of the wondrous Almanack. + To adapt BEN JONSON'S phrase + To a worthy of our days, + One might say of our lost brother, + Death; ere thou hast slain another + Good and useful as was he, + "Time shall throw his dart at thee." + + * * * * * + +CHAMPIONS.--Sir EDWARD GREY, M.P., ought to be a great acquisition at +a dance if his prowess as a tennis champion is any indication. "The +power with which he often finished the ball" was recently highly +praised. His opponent, Mr. GRIBBLE, seems a dangerous man among the +ladies, having at Cambridge "won the singles." Quite a Pasha among the +"Love sets!" But he could only take one single out of the singles he +won. + + * * * * * + +ODD.--"Doctor GREEF" is advertised to give three pianoforte recitals. +If his performance is equal to what we hear of his promise, then those +will experience considerable pleasure who "come to GREEF." + + * * * * * + +SMALL BUT HARMONIOUS FOOTBALL TEAM FOR SUMMER.--"The Shinner +Quartette." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARCHITECT HAS TO PUT UP WITH. + +_Our Architect_ (_spotting Sixteenth Century gables_). "THAT'S AN OLD +BIT OF WORK, MY FRIEND!" + +"OI, SIR, YEU BE ROIGHT THEER, THAT YOU BE!" + +_O. A._ (_keen for local tradition_). "YOU DON'T KNOW EXACTLY _HOW_ +OLD, I SUPPOSE?" + +"WELL, NOA, SIR; BUT OLD IT BE! WHOI, I'SE KNOWED IT MESELF THESE +_NOINE_ YEARS!"] + + * * * * * + +ODE TO AN OVERCOAT. + +(_By a Shivery Person, in Spring-time._) + + "Cast ne'er a clout till May be out," + The old Scotch proverb says. + Thee, did I doff, "Immensikoff," + For three most sultry days. + But wind and dust, in gruesome gust, + Search bosom, back and throat; + And to my nose I button close + My fur-lined Overcoat. + The Merry May has such a way + Of blowing hot and cold, + That fur and cloth I'm always loth + Away, in Spring, to fold. + _Gr-r-r!_ There's a blast! I'll hold thee fast + Dear friend on whom I doat; + Nor lay thee by till--say--July, + My own, my Overcoat! + + * * * * * + +LEGAL NOTE.--It is presumably unfortunate for the prisoner-at-the-bar +when, as is constantly announced in the papers, "Mr. So-and-So, Q.C., +will appear to defend SNOOKS." Hard on SNOOKS when his Counsel only +_appears_ to defend him. But what a sweet surprise for the unhappy +SNOOKS should the Counsel, who only "appears to defend him," _really_ +defend him and be victorious! + + * * * * * + +"VOX CLAMANTIS."--The voice of the Claimant is heard once again. No +joke; no Wagga-Waggery. He is publishing his "Entire Life and Full +Confession" in the _People_ newspaper. According to his own statement, +his claim to the Tichborne estates might be described, not only as a +fraud, but as a "Wapping" one. + + * * * * * + +TO A COUNTRY HOST. + +(_A Candid Answer to a Hospitable Invitation._) + + You're kind enough to bid me spend + The "week-end" at your country seat, + You offer tennis and a friend + You feel I'm sure to like to meet. + I hope you will not think me rude-- + You're very kind to ask me down-- + But if the simple truth be told, + I much prefer to stay in town. + + You tell me that the ground is bare, + And only gets by slow degrees + Recovered from our Arctic spell, + That leafless still are all the trees. + Well, here, in spite of smoke and soot, + And all the bustle and the hum + Of men and things, we don't await + The Spring--because the Spring has come. + + Each morning as I go to work + I take my 'bus to Marble Arch, + And thence amid a wealth of flowers, + And air perfumed with odours, march + To Hyde Park Corner. Tell me where-- + I honestly should like to know-- + The much belauded "country" can + Produce a comparable show? + + Our grass is green, though yours is brown. + On every tree the lovely bud + Is bursting into lovelier leaf, + The Spring runs madly in one's blood. + To leave such joys I can't consent, + Too great a struggle it would be, + But just to show you don't resent + These lines--come up and stay with me! + + * * * * * + +HOW (OF COURSE) IT IS NOT DONE. + +(_Imaginary Sketch of impossible Incident._) + + SCENE--_Editor's Room._ TIME--_Within measurable distance of + publication._ Editor _discovered in consultation with his_ + Chief Sub. + +_Editor._ We can't find room for everything. + +_Chief Sub._ Quite so, Sir; still it seems a pity to slaughter this +telegram from the front. + +_Editor._ Does it make very much? + +_Chief Sub._ No, Sir. If you will allow me, I will run through it. +(_Reads._) "Yesterday the Loamshire Regiment, headed by its Commander, +Colonel SNOOKS, made one of the gallantest charges on record." + +_Editor._ Sure it was SNOOKS? + +_Chief Sub._ Oh yes. We verified it in the _Army List_. SNOOKS went +out with the Second Battalion when they were ordered to the front. +(_Continues reading._) "The soldiers dashed forward over the Tam-Tam +river, and up the steep sides of the Yah-Yah mountains, carrying all +before them." + +_Editor._ Sure of those names? + +_Chief Sub._ Yes, Sir; verified them on the map. (_Resumes reading._) +"Nothing could withstand the rain of lead and the row of steel. The +Chutnese attempted to use their 'pungarees'--a rude sort of pruning +knife--but without the slightest effect. Uttering their weird yells of +'Tomata, tomata,' and beating their drum-like vessels known over here +as 'bang-wangs,' they faltered, floundered and fled." + +_Editor._ Sure that those names are correct? + +_Chief Sub._ Quite, Sir. We verified the local colouring with MOKE'S +_Six Months in Chutney on the top of a Camel_. + +_Editor._ Very good. Is there much more? + +_Chief Sub._ About a third of a column, describing the taking of +the native village, the storming of the stockade, and the bivouac by +moonlight after the victory at Pennavilla. + +_Editor_ (_after consideration_). Well, it might give us an effective +line for the bill. (_A whistle is heard:_ Editor _listens at a +speaking-tube._) Afraid we must sacrifice it. Manager tells me there +is another rush of advertisements, so space is more precious than +ever. You had better boil it down into a three-line paragraph. + +_Chief Sub._ No need to do that, Sir. If there's a scarcity of room we +had better give the original telegram. + +_Editor._ The original telegram? + +_Chief Sub._ Yes, Sir; from which we have worked up the extended +account. Here it is. (_Reads._) "Loamshire, after a skirmish, has +reached Pennavilla." That, with a suitable heading, will just complete +the column. + +_Editor._ Quite so. + + [_Scene closes in upon the arrangement._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WAS HE VERY MUCH CAST DOWN AFTER HE'D SPOKEN TO PAPA?" +"YES. THREE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS!"] + + * * * * * + +A MOAN IN MAYTIME. + +_By a Weary Waltonian._ + + Oh, Maytime is a gay time for the artist and the dangler, + The pretty girl, the parson, and the scout; + And it ought to be a time of rosy rapture for the angler, + In the capture of the delicate May trout. + But though SMUDGE, R.A., "feels fine" with his six upon the line, + And the dangler "does" the galleries with delight; + Though white-chokered clerics muster amidst eloquential fluster, + And our girls salute the Season sweet and bright; + Though the "Cattylog" vendors shout, and cab-runners scout and tout, + The disciple of Old IZAAK is not gay, + For although the "Grawnom" 's off, and the trout at "Alders" scoff, + The May Fly--drat it, does _not_ rise in May! + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, May 13._--"Well," said the Member for the +Otley division of Yorkshire, "I suppose I've gone through as many +vicissitudes as most men. First I was a BARRAN, now I'm a baronite. +Really, I don't know but what, if they'd made me an earl, I wouldn't +go and sit in the House of Lords. Not because, as good Radical, I +don't despise them, but just to give them advantage of my company, and +place in their way a useful example. Instead of which, here's WOLMER +become Earl of SELBORNE, and insists upon continuing to sit with us!" + +Incursion of the Pirate Peer effectively managed. Those old +campaigners, GEORGE CURZON and ST. JOHN BRODRICK, took the business +in hand. The thing was to be a great surprise. Accordingly, took +the SPEAKER into confidence, also the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD (The Little +Minister, MACFARLANE, who has just been reading BARRIE, calls him), +PRINCE ARTHUR, JOSEPH, and a score or two others. The Pirate Peer +was to come down in hansom at four o'clock, to be met by BRODRICK +in Palace Yard; CURZON, armed to the teeth, standing at fifty paces +nearer entrance to House of Commons. + +BRODRICK, who likes to do the thing thoroughly, suggested that the +Pirate Peer should fly a black flag out of port-hole at top of +cab. CURZON liked idea, but thought it would attract inconvenient +attention. Finally compromised by arrangement that cabby should +tie bit of black ribbon on his whip. Effect symbolic without being +obtrusive. + +Everything went off excellently. Not a hitch in the arrangements. +Whilst questions still going on GEORGE CURZON, with frock-coat lightly +but firmly buttoned over a belt teeming with pistols, sauntered in +from lobby. Glanced carelessly round House. Accidentally, as it were, +placed himself between unsuspecting Sergeant-at-Arms and glass door +giving entrance to House. If the armed official attacked Pirate Peer +it should be across his (CURZON'S) body. + +At preconcerted signal BRODRICK rapidly entered; bustled down to Front +Opposition Bench. Attention of Members thus attracted, the Pirate +Peer followed, strode with firm step down House. "Just as if he were +walking the plank," said DONALD CURRIE, looking on admiringly. Before +House knew what had happened, there he sat, smiling and blushing, +between those pillars of Law and Order, JOE and COURTNEY. Never since +Parliaments began had British Constitution received such a staggering +blow. SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, whilst anxious to see destruction of +House of Lords, is not disposed to have stray fragments incorporated +with fabric of Commons. Called SPEAKER'S attention to presence in +their midst of the Pirate Peer. Asked what they were going to do with +him? + +An anxious moment. GEORGE CURZON tugged nervously at the arsenal +scarcely concealed under his frock coat. ST. JOHN BRODRICK +involuntarily stretched forth his hand in direction of Mace. Suppose +he were to seize it, sweep the Treasury Bench clear at a blow, whilst +GEORGE CURZON, with pistol in either hand, and dagger between his +teeth, let fly a volley or two? We might have had a revolution. +Quieter counsels prevailed. SPEAKER directed Pirate Peer to withdraw +below Bar whilst his case was being discussed. + +SELBORNE obeyed the mandate, and the ground thus left clear, JOE +and the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD had a tussle. JOSEPH accused the SQUIRE of +acting in a fit of temper. The SQUIRE retorted that it was not only +untrue, but that at the time of offering remark JOSEPH was perfectly +well acquainted with its entire freedom from the trammels of truth. + +[Illustration: The Pirate's Convoy. Penny plain, Twopence coloured.] + +"Dear me," said Pirate Peer, looking round uneasily. "I hope they +don't talk like that in the House of Lords." + +_Business done._--Clause I. Welsh Disestablishment Bill through +Committee. + +_Tuesday._--Pirate Peer in the offing again. Ran in, as before, under +protection of guns of consorts, GEORGE CURZON and ST. JOHN BRODRICK. +Lay to under gallery whilst question discussed at large. House never +able to keep up interest in this kind of thing over successive days. +Novel and exciting enough yesterday; steam not to be got up for second +day. Only for JOE, business would have come to conclusion after +formal proposal by SQUIRE OF MALWOOD to refer whole matter to Select +Committee. JOSEPH'S interposition led to inevitable row. Wanted, for +some inexplicable reason, to drag in CARMICHAEL. Quoted _Debrett_ to +establish his claim to dormant Earldom of Hyndford. + +JOE left alone in advocacy of this line. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD had rare +good time. Read passage from JOE'S speech of last year, when question +to succession of Coleridge Barony under discussion. Had said then +exactly the reverse of what he to-day averred in respect of succession +to Selborne Peerage, and status of new Peer in House of Commons. + +[Illustration: Evidently a Dormant Duke! (Mr. Kn-tchb-ll-H-g-ss-n.)] + +"The fatal thing about JOSEPH," said SARK, "is that when he makes a +statement on one side of a case or the other, he does it with such +point, in such felicitous phrase, with such convincing emphasis, that +it sticks in the memory. When, twelve months or nine years later, +circumstances lead him to other side of question, he delivers himself +on it with same incomparable gifts of point and lucidity. The bringing +out of his former assertion is not so conclusive as you would think, +because the two--affirming a thing is white one day, protesting on the +next it is black--are so evenly balanced that the case stands exactly +where it did. This sharp confronting of JOSEPH denying with JOSEPH +affirming would be fatal to some men. To our JOE it is not even +embarrassing. House roars with delight. He sits silent, apparently +unconcerned, and somebody else will suffer by-and-by." + +_Business done._--Committee appointed to inquire into case of the +Pirate Peer. + +_Thursday._--The longer Major RASCH lives, the fainter grows his faith +in the nobility of human nature. To-night brought down with him a +few carefully selected, choice specimens of the American pea-bug. +Naturally expected everybody would welcome the little stranger. +Especially interesting to Minister of Agriculture. Being a man of +taste, Major had installed the insects in dainty _bon-bon_ box; swung +it lightly between forefinger and thumb as he inquired what HERBERT +GARDNER meant to do about it? "Will the right hon. gentleman," he +said, "have consignments of peas coming from America marked as such, +and put in bond, so that the bugs may develop there, and not in the +British market garden?" + +At this way of putting it, SQUIRE OF MALWOOD pricked up his ears. To +quick instincts of CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER bugs in bond suggested +new field of taxation. Made a note of it. + +The GRAND YOUNG GARDNER smiled at the claims of long descent put +forward by RASCH on behalf of the tenants of his _bon-bon_ box. +"Nothing new in it," he said superciliously. "Known the creature all +my official life. Your so-called American pea-bug is nothing more than +the pea and bean weevil. Came over with the Conqueror. Agricultural +Department even now publishing leaflet describing manners and customs +of the early settler, and suggesting various ways of soothing its last +moments." + +[Illustration: "I may have been Rash."] + +This hard; sorer still conduct of Members immediately near the Major. +Began to sheer off, putting him, so to speak, in quarantine. + +"I don't care," said TOMLINSON, "whether its American pea-bugs or the +pea and bean weevil. What I do say is that no man has any business to +bring such things with him into the social circle." + +"I may have been Rash," said the Major humbly. + +"You are," said TOMLINSON tartly. + +_Business done._--Coolness sprung up between TOMLINSON and Major +RASCH. Budget Bill read second time. + +_Friday._--"Pity the sorrows of the poor postman, whose wandering +steps has brought him to your door." Thus KEARLEY, in a long speech, +from which it appeared that if there is a down-trodden fellow-creature +whose state looks hopeless, it is the postman. The story of the man in +Wales who trudged seventy miles a day, including the diurnal ascent +of a mountain 7,000 feet high, sent thrill of horror through House. +KEARLEY subsequently explained he meant 700 feet high. But that a +detail. Seven seems to be this man's fateful number, for his pay is +seven shillings a week--a shilling a day, including the mountain. + +ARNOLD MORLEY, on other hand, showed that the lot of the postman is +truly idyllic. Handsomely paid when on duty; booted and uninformed; +is accustomed to retire in the prime of life on pension amounting to +two-thirds of his salary. + +"Why," said WILLIE REDMOND, thinking regretfully of days that are +no more, when JOSEPH GILLIS carried the bag, "as things go now, it's +better to be a postman than an Irish Member." Finally decided +to appoint Committee to inquire into truth of these conflicting +statements. + +_Business done._--Didn't get into Committee on Civil Service +Estimates. + + * * * * * + +NEW VERSION OF AN OLD PROVERB. (_For the Use of Local +Optionists._)--One Vetoist may keep a toper from his favourite pub; +but fifty cannot make him drink--water. + + * * * * * + +"THE IMMORTAL WILLIAMS" ON THE ANTI-BRITISH MOVEMENT IN EGYPT.--"Oh, +my prophetic soul, DELONCLE!"--_Shakspeare, adapted from the French._ + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Page 245: 'conseqeuntly' corrected to 'consequently'. + +"... and Mr. HOWE was consequently appointed to the post." + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +108, May 25, 1895, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44850 *** |