diff options
Diffstat (limited to '44836-8.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 44836-8.txt | 1714 |
1 files changed, 0 insertions, 1714 deletions
diff --git a/44836-8.txt b/44836-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 0df2cfb..0000000 --- a/44836-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1714 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, -August 17, 1895, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, August 17, 1895 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Sir Francis Burnand - -Release Date: February 5, 2014 [EBook #44836] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, AUGUST 17, 1895 *** - - - - -Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer -and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at -http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - -PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - -VOL. 109. - -AUGUST 17, 1895. - - - - -"THE SECRET OF SUCCESS." - - (_Modern Version of the Story of the Idle and Industrious - Apprentices._) - -MR. GOODCHILD was admittedly the most successful of merchant -princes--not only financially, but morally. From a boy the great trader -had advanced on the road of commerce by leaps and bounds. His parents -were of humble birth and in poor circumstances, and yet he had risen to -the top of the tree of commercial prosperity. Mr. GOODCHILD -had shops, warehouses, wharfs, and a fleet of ships. He had never had -a reverse. All he had touched had turned to gold. This is so well -understood that a description of his enormous wealth in detail would be -entirely superfluous. - -"Do you really want to know the secret of my pecuniary triumph?" asked -Mr. GOODCHILD, when he was questioned on the subject. - -"Why, certainly," was the reply. "How is it that your companion, the -idle apprentice, came to such signal grief?" - -"Because he was always reading the worst of literature. He knew the -history of every felon recorded in the _Newgate Calendar_, original -edition, and added chapters. That brought my 'colleague as a boy' to -such dire disaster." - -"And you never perused the pernicious documents?" - -"Never. And I can prove my statement to the hilt." - -"You never perused them! And why not?" - -"Because," returned the prosperous capitalist with a gentle smile, -"those in whose hands my future rested had my true interest at heart. -_I was never taught to read!_" - -And with this suggestive announcement (well worthy of the attention -of ratepayers who can control the expenditure of the School Board) -the history of the two apprentices is brought to a conclusion at once -pleasing and instructive. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: DISCRIMINATION. - -_Young Man from the Country_ (_with the affable condescension he -supposes marks the Man about Town_). "'MORNING, COACHMAN! STREETS -RATHER BUSY THIS MORNING, EH?" - -_Metropolitan Driver._ "YUSS--A BIT THE USUAL WAY, SIR. 'OW'S 'OPS -LOOKIN'?"] - - * * * * * - -ARITHMETICAL EXERCISE. - -_Letter to the Editor._ - -"SIR,--I read in the Money Market article last week that -Dumbells Co., Isle of Man, paid 17 per cent. Now, Sir, a long time ago -I invested in Dumbells, and use them regularly every morning; also -I recommend everybody to invest in Dumbells. But where is my 17 per -cent.? I've never received it. I am certainly considerably better in -health and muscular development than I was before my investment in -Dumbells. But, putting this at 5 per cent. better, I still want the -other twelve. I apply, Sir, to you, for further information, and am, -yours hopefully, - - "A. WYSE AKER." - - * * * * * - -A QUERY. - -(_By Omar Khayyam._) - - ["WANTED.--An UP and DOWN GIRL; aged 16; English; - strong."--_Advertisement in "Times," August 7._] - -[Illustration] - - Tell me, mysterious maiden, when and whence - And where and wherefore and on what pretence - You're "up-and-down"--this riddle rede, I pray, - And rid my bosom of a care immense! - - Does "up" mean sky-high, "down," upon the ground? - Is't on a see-saw that you bob and bound? - There's more in this than meets the eye, I fear-- - I cannot rest until the clue be found. - - Are you a damsel, too, that's in-and-out, - And there-and-back, and also round-about? - You may be all at once for aught I know, - For all I know is clouded o'er with doubt. - - Pray, have you golden hair all down your back - A-hanging? Is there something that you lack - To play with, love, adore--as, say, a bike - Whereon to travel up and down a track? - - What though I've never met you in the throng, - I'm glad you're English-born, sixteen, and strong; - Life has its ups and downs (more downs than ups), - But you're a _new_ sort--hence this idle song! - - * * * * * - -JOVE'S JESTER INTERVIEWED. - -(_A Page of Mythology written up to Date._) - -The Traveller from the Earth left his balloon and trod the cloud that -seemed prepared to receive him. As he did this there was a peal of -laughter which echoed far and wide. - -"Where am I?" asked the explorer in English, for he was British-born. - -"You have come to the head-quarters of waggery," returned the Resident, -recovering from a violent fit of merriment. "We are never dull here, we -have so much to amuse us." - -"Indeed! And how is that?" - -"Why, I take a delight in effecting the most comical transformations -imaginable. By the simplest means I can cause an inhabitant of the -Earth to change his costume five times in as many hours. The jest is -provocative of limitless mirth, especially amongst the doctors and the -undertakers." - -"And what are the simplest means?" - -[Illustration] - -"Why, I will serve up on Monday a sun worthy of the most fiery day -in an unusually sultry August. On Tuesday I will send a gale and -hailstones, suggestive of the arctic regions at Yule-tide. On Wednesday -I will resume the oppressive heat until streams dry up, and water rises -to a premium. Then on Thursday I will cover the ground with snow, and -finish up the week with a deluge." - -The Stranger raised his hat and answered, "The Clerk of the Weather, I -presume?" - -"Quite so," was the immediate response. "And now you must leave me to -my work, or Englishmen will have nothing to talk about." - -And the balloon once more continued its progress amidst a perfect salad -of the elements. - -"Very amusing," thought the Traveller, and then he added aloud, -speaking incidentally the opinion of all his countrymen, "but -distinctly inconvenient!" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: MERELY A SUGGESTION. - -_Mr Punch_ (_to the Shahzada_). "WOULDN'T YOUR HIGHNESS LIKE TO SEE -THE NORTH POLE?" - -["At the weekly meeting of the Balloon Society on the 6th inst., Herr -S. A. ANDRÉE read a paper on the projected Polar balloon -expedition.... He intended, he said, to go to Spitzbergen and wait for -a southerly wind, which would take him very quickly into the Polar -regions." - - _Pall Mall Gazette, August 7, 1895._] - - * * * * * - -TO CHLOË. - - You're mine "in haste"--and so it ends, - The usual scrambling, headlong letter; - Long vanished are the days of friends - Not otherwise more kind or better, - Who yet excelled in this respect-- - In that they grudged not time or trouble - The choicest phrases to select, - Nor wrote their letters "at the double"! - - You're mine "in haste." It's not your fault, - You're but unconsciously reflecting - Our modern life, we cannot halt, - The vice is now beyond correcting, - But yet we sigh for old-world days - When lighter far was toil and worry, - When life was spent in peaceful ways - Without the least idea of hurry. - - You're "mine in haste"--but as I'm told - (The saying's not precisely novel) - That all that glitters is not gold, - The fairy palace proves a hovel, - So, possibly, that age was dull, - And since you've graciously consented - To live to-day--it's wonderful - And wrong, perhaps--but I'm contented! - - You're "mine in haste." I must devote - Five minutes to a swift endeavour - To pen an answer to your note, - But let me sign myself, "Yours ever"; - 'Tis not an antiquarian taste - Which makes your phrase earn my displeasure - So much as that "you're mine in haste" - Suggests that I'll "repent at leisure"! - - * * * * * - -ONE OF THE CHURCH MILITANT.--The Venerable Archdeacon -DENISON celebrated his ninetieth birthday last week. He has -been in all the hard fighting, and never shirked. May he yet long be a -Denizen amongst us. _Prosit!_ - - * * * * * - -Mrs. R. says that, though she has known it all her life, yet she could -never quite make out what is the meaning of the old saying that "One -man can only stand at a door, while another may look over a house." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: REASSURING. - -"LOR' BLESS YER, SIR, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR! _THAT_ AIN'T A FLY, -SIR!--_THAT_'S A BIT OF DIRT!"] - - * * * * * - -BALLAST FOR THAT BALLOON; - -_Or, Rubbish to be Shot at the Pole._ - - Dr. ANDRÉE, if you're going to the Pole by a balloon, - (_Punch_ hopes you'll be successful, and he trusts you'll come back soon,) - _Could_ you find a little room for some companions in your car? - We have some whom we should like to see thus travelling afar. - _Place aux dames!_ There's the New Woman whom we really do not want, - And the Female-suffrage female, and the shrieking slave of Cant; - There's the Fashionable Mother who constricts her daughters' waists, - There's the Woman with a Past, who so pollutes the public tastes; - There's the female who is masculine, the male effeminate, - The Hedonist of hollow heart and paradox-muddled pate; - There's that big bore the Degenerate, he'll turn up, divil doubt him! - And that other bore, almost as big, who writes big books about him; - There's the pedlar of Emotions, and the petty foe of Morals, - There's the stirrer up in newspapers of journalistic quarrels; - There's the thorough paced denouncer of Creation's horror--Man; - There's the muckrake wielding maunderer on the Mysteries of Pan; - There's the dirty dynamiter, the neurotic novelist!-- - Oh, take them to the Pole, Sir, I'll be happy to assist, - And drop them there--and _leave_ them there--"they never will be missed!" - - * * * * * - -On account of the vogue for cycling in Battersea Park this summer, the -past two months will be remembered as the "Bike-at-Batterseason '95." - - * * * * * - -BY OUR NOTES-AND-QUERY-MAN. - -_Mem. for the next Historian of England._ - -It is probable, from recent discoveries in the Archives of the State -Paper Office, that immediately after the time of CRANMER, -in consequence of his having recanted two or three times, the See of -Canterbury was to have been re-named "The See of Recanterbury." Also -the question as to the origin of the name is, we believe, finally -settled by the fact having come to light, that, every Archbishop, -in consequence of the extent of his diocese and the necessity of -his taking exercise, was compelled to be (as was Dr. TAIT, -and as is the present Archbishop, Dr. BENSON) an excellent -equestrian, and that the favourite pace for proceeding comfortably -and expeditiously was "a canter." The origin of the "bury" has yet -to be accounted for, as it has been spelt at various times "_bery_, -"_berry_", "_berie_," "_burrie_," "_bury_." But Kent being an hop -county, and beer the popular beverage from time immemorial, it is -highly probable that as "_canter_" referred to the horse, so "_bery_" -(with the "_e_" long "_beery_") referred to the refreshment for -man (not for beast) required during the journey. This is from an -antiquarian point of view most interesting. - - * * * * * - -"THE COWES WEEK."--This, read out aloud to a dairyman and a -butcher, sounds bad; as the first would be anxious as to the milk, and -the second as to the veal: for he would argue, "If the cow's weak, -what'll the calf be?" - - * * * * * - -THE POET LAUREATESHIP IN ABEYANCE.--Why not go to the City for -our Poet Laureate? If a name be any indication, the choice ought at -once to fall upon "Alderman RYMER." - - * * * * * - -THE COUNTRY OF COCKAIGNE. - -A MONOLOGUE--WITH A MORAL. - -SCENE--_An airless Court in a London back street._ -TIME--_August._ - -_Jimmy_ (_aged eight, to_ FLORRIE, _aged seven_). No, I ain't -comin' to the Reckereation Groun', not jess yit, I carn't.... I'm goin' -ter wyte about 'ere till the lidy comes.... Why, 'er as is comin' to -see my Muvver 'bout sendin' me fur a fortnight in the kerntry.... Yus, -where I was larst year.... It's settled as I'm ter go agine--leastways -as _good_ as settled. My Farver 'e've sent in a happlication to the -K'mitty, and Teacher 'e sez 'e kin reckermend me, an' Mr. and Mrs. -DELVES--them as 'ad the cottidge where I went afore--they've -arst fur to 'ave me agin--so yer see, FLORRIE, it's all -_right_. On'y I carn't settle to nuffink afore I know when I'm goin', -an' about the trine an' that. Yer 'ave ter roide in a trine ter git -to the kerntry, yer know.... Wot, ain't yer never bin there?... Yer'd -wanter fawst enough if yer knoo what it was loike.... There's grorss -there, an' trees an' that.... Na-ow, a _lot_ better 'n the Reckereation -Groun'--that's all mide outer old grivestones as the deaders 'as done -wiv. There's 'ills an' bushes an' 'edges where yer can pick flowers. -...There ain't no perlice to _git_ yer locked up.... An' everyfink -smells so lovelly, kinder 'elthy like--it mikes yer feel 'ungry.... -Not like sassages an' inions azackly--'tain't that sorter smell.... -On'y 'ere an' there, an' yer'd 'ardly tell they _was_ shops, they kerry -'em on that quoiet.... Yer wouldn' call it poky if yer was there. Mr. -DELVES 'e _was_ a kind man, 'e was; mide me a whistle outer -a sickermore brornch, 'e did; an' Mrs. DELVES she lemme 'elp -her feed the chickings.... They 'ad a garding beyind, an' there was -rasberries an' gooseberries a growin on bushes--strite, they was--I -ain't tellin' yer no lies--an' eat as many as yer like, yer could. -An' they 'ad a dog--_Rover 'is_ nime was--'e was a koind dog, lemme -lay insoide of 'is kennel orfen, 'e would.... I'd like ter 'ave a run -over thet Common agen, too. I dessay as I shell--p'reps the d'y arter -to-morrer.... There's a pond on it, an' geese, an' they comes at yer a -stritching out their necks an' a-'i sin' thet sevidge.... Na-ow, yer've -on'y got ter walk up to 'em, an' they goes orf purtendin' they took -yer fur somebody else, an' wasn't meanin' no offence. I ain't afride -o' no geese, I ain't--nor yet LILY wasn't neither. We sor a -pig 'aving a ring put froo 'is nose one day. 'E 'ollered out like 'e -was bein' killed--but 'e wasn't. An' there was a blecksmiff's, where -they put the 'orse's shoes on red 'ot, an' the 'orse 'e never took no -notice. Me an' LILY used ter go fur long walks, all under -trees. Once she showed me a squill--"sqerl" _she_ kep' a-callin' of -it, till I tole 'er 'ow--an' it run up a tree zigzag, and jumped on -to another ever so fur. That was when we was pickin' nuts. We went a -blackberryin', too, one day.... Na-ow, there warn't nobody dead. An' -LILY.... LILY DELVES 'er nime was, b'longed to them I -was stoppin' wiv.... I didn't notice partickler.... Older nor you, an' -bigger, an' lots redder 'bout the cheeks.... She wasn't a bad sort--fur -a gal.... I dunno; I liked _all_ on 'em.... Well, there was Farmer -FURROWS, 'e was very familiar, said as 'ow I might go inter -'is horchard an' pick the happles up as was layin' there jest fur the -arskin'. An' BOB RUMBLE, 'im as druv Mr. KENNISTER -the grocer's cart, 'e used ter gimme a roide along of 'im when 'e -was tikin' round porcels an' that. We'd go along lanes that 'igh -yer couldn't see nuffink fur leaves; and once 'e druv along a Pork -with tremenjus big trees in it, an' stagses walkin' about underneath -with grite big 'orns.... Suthink like 'im as is drawed outside the -public round the corner--on'y they warn't none o' them gold. I 'speck -them gold ones is furrin.... An' the grub--we 'ad beefstike pudd'n -o' Sundays, an' as much bread an' treacle every day as ever I could -eat, an' I _was_ 'ungry when I was in the kerntry.... An' when I come -away Mrs. DELVES she gethered me a big noseguy fur to tike -'ome to Muvver--kissantimums, marigoles, an' dyliers, all sorts there -was--an' Muvver she put 'em in a jug, an' soon as ever I shet my eyes -an' sniffed, I could see that garding an' _Rover_ an' LILY as -_pline_--but they went bad, an' 'ad to be froed aw'y at larst. I shall -see 'em all agine very soon now, though, won' thet be proime, eh?... -Whatsy? 'Ere, FLORRIE, you ain't _croyin'_, are yer?... Why -don't yer arsk yer Farver if 'e won't let _you_ go.... Oh, I thought as -yer _wanted_ to go. Then what _are_ yer----?... No, I ain't gled to git -aw'y from you.... A-course I shell be gled to see 'er; but that ain't -why, it's jest----You ain't never bin in the kerntry, or you'd know 'ow -I'm feelin'.... There's the lidy comin' now. I must cut across an' 'ear -what she sez to Muvver.... Don' tike on--'tain't on'y fur a fortnight, -anyway.... Look 'ere, I got suthink for yer, FLORRIE, bought -it orf a man what 'ad a tray on 'em--its a wornut, d'yer see? Now open -it--ain't them two little choiner dolls noice, eh?... I'd rorther you -'ad it nor 'er, strite, I would!... I'll be back in a minnit. - -[Illustration] - -AFTER AN INTERVAL OF TWENTY-FOUR HOURS. - -No, _I_ ain't bin nowhere partickler.... Settled? yus, it's all settled -'bout me goin' ter the kerntry.... To-morrer? no, I ain't goin' -_to-morrer_.... Nex' week? not as I _knows_ on.... You wanter know sech -a _lot_, you do!... If I _do_ tell yer, you'll on'y go an' larf.... -Well, I ain't goin' at all--_now_ I 'ope you're pleased.... What's the -good o' bein' _sorry?_... Oh, I don't keer much, I don't.... Set down -on this step alonger me, then, and don' you go sayin' nuffink, or I'll -stop tellin' yer.... You remember me goin' in yes'day arternoon to 'ear -what the lidy said? Well, when I got in, I 'eard 'er s'y, "Yus, it'll -be a great disappintment fur 'IM, pore boy," she sez, "arter -lookin' forward to it an' all; but it can't be 'elped." An' Muvver, she -sez, "'Is Farver'll be sorry, too; it done JIMMY ser much good -larst time. 'E can't pay not more nor 'arf-a-crownd a week towards it, -but he can manage that, bein' in work jes now." But the lidy sez, "It's -this w'y," she sez, "it costis us neelly arf a suffering over what the -parints pays fur each child, and we ain't got the fun's fur to send -more 'n a few, 'cos the Public don' suscroibe ser much as they might," -she sez. "An' so this year we're on'y sending children as is delikit, -an' reelly _wants_ a chinge." So yer see, I ain't a goin'. I dunno as -I'm delikit; but I _do_ want the kerntry _orful_ bad, I do. I wish I -never 'adn't bin there at all, 'cos then preps I shouldn' mind. An' yit -I'm gled I bin, too. I dreamt about it larst night, FLORRIE, -I did. I was a-settin' on this 'ere step, sime as I am now, an' it -was 'ot an' stoiflin', like it is; an' all of a suddink I see Mr. -KENNISTER'S cart wiv the grey 'orse turn into our court an' -pull up hoppersite, an' _Bob Rumble_ 'e was a-drivin' on it. An 'e sez -"Jump up!" he sez, "and I'll tike yer back to Mr. DELVES'S -cottidge." And I sez, "May FLORRIE come too." An 'he sez, -"Yus, both on yer." So up we gits, an' we was droivin' along the lanes, -an' I was showin' yer the squills an' the stagses, an' jes as we come -to the turn where yer kin see the cottidge----Well, I don' remember no -more on it. But it was a noice dream so fur as I got wiv it, an' if I -'adn't never bin there, I couldn' ha' dreamt it, _could_ I, eh? An', -like as not, I'll dream the rest on it anuvver night.... An' you must -try an' dream your share, too, FLORRIE. It'll be a'most like -bein' in the kerntry in a sort o' w'y fur both on us, won't it? - -THE MORAL.--The offices of the Children's Country Holidays -Fund are at 10, Buckingham Street, Strand, and contributions should be -made payable to the Hon. Treasurer. - - * * * * * - -"Now I'm set up!" as the first page in type observed to his companion -pages in MS. - - * * * * * - -"RULE, 'BRITANNYER'!" - -_Being a loyal letter from Mr. Jeames, at Cowes Regatta, to Mary in -Mayfair._ - - DEAR MARY,--"_Rule, Britannyer!_" To that sentiment I'm partial, - As there isn't not one like it, not to make a man feel martial, - Pattryottic, and all that, dear. But at this serblime conjunction-- - Of ryalties and regattas--wy I hutters it with hunction. - Rule, _Britannyer!_ As you'll understand I mean the Ryal yot! - Hah! Haitch-Har-Haitch--Eving bless him!--knows hexactly wot is wot - In the way of yots and racing; wich I'm free to own, my dear, - As I _don't_. And moresomever it do make me faint and queer - When I think of Hengland's 'Ope aboard that skittish, sloping thing, - As looks to my shore-going eyes like a white bird _all wing_. - Well, I own I'm not a Wiking; all _I_ want of the blue sea - Is a kipper for my breakfust, and a winkle with my tea. - But the Guv'nor, _he_'s a topper at the nortickle. Great Scott! - 'Ow he _do_ put on the Brayvo 'Icks when once aboard a yot! - He's a puffeck pocket Neptune, wich a chubby little chap, - Looks perticularly fetchin' in a trotty yotting cap. - Then he loves the swells--like I do--and it's sweet to 'ear him tork - Of his pal the P. of W. and his chum the DOOK O' YORK. - He's just like a locomotive on the everlastin' puff, - He enjys hisself like fifty, and he's never 'ad enuff: - I _do_ like to 'ear him patter to the cumpany ashore, - He keeps his friends a-bustin', and the table in a roar. - I on'y wish, dear MARY, I could phonygraff his chat, - And kinettyscope his haction; you would roar all round your 'at. - The Cowes Week _would_ 'ave been rippin' if it 'adn't bin for rain;-- - (As was bad for Ryal Princes, and likeways for Messrs. PAIN). - And them tuppenny-apenny "trippers," as did ought to be kep out - When hus gentry is a-swarmin', and there's Ryalties about. - The Solent should be cordon'd hoff for Hemperors once a year, - For a mix o' Margit manners, and Salvationists, and beer, - Ain't no welcome for a Kyser, no, nor yet a Shazydar, - As demmocrycy is gettin' too permiskus like, by far. - A orty OWEN ZOLLERN didn't ought to be mixed hup - With Bank 'Olidays and bikes, when _he_'s a runnin' for a Cup. - 'Tis his seventh Solent wisit, and things went a trifle rum; - And if he took the Himperial 'Ump and nex' year _didn't come_, - W'y it wouldn't be serprisink, and hus BULLS, and Cowes, would suffer. - Whate'er that HEMPEROR _may_ be, he ain't no idle duffer! - The Guv'nor, he hadmires him most tremenjus; so do _hi_. - It is suthink a'most touchin' for to see him, smart and spry - In his simple yotting costoom, with his snowy cap an' ducks, - A-taking it so heasy, though he'd none the best of lucks. - And his hironclads!!! Great Gumbo--as the Guv'nor loves to say-- - They do not spare the powder, and if this is but their play, - _I_ don't want to see'em _workin'_. The young HEMPEROR whisked about-- - With our Guv'nor on his track, too, don't you make no sort of doubt-- - His hork-heye--the Guv's--wos heverywhere. He watchin' each puff an' pop. - From the scrubbin' of a binnycle or the twirlin' of a mop, - To polishin' the funnel-tops with rottenstone and ile, - Wich he said he watched each mornin', Guv wos in it all the while. - He fair shaddered the young KYSER. And the story he'd reherse, - With a eloquence and hunction quite like droppin' into werse. - And he always soots the haction to the word in sech a way, - That when fairly on the cackle he's as good as any play. - But, O, MARY! it wos orkerd, and yumillyhating too, - When our yot--her name's the _Polywog_--to git a better view, - Shoved 'erself a bit too forrad, and, amidst a general skoff, - Wos tackled by a snortin' tug, and coolly carted hoff! - Guv swore he'd tell his pal the Dook but p'r'aps that wos his fun; - He also said he'd arsk him why the _Meteor_ didn't run. - Owsomever "_Rule, Britannyer_" is quite good enuff for _me_ - (Though the "_Hail, Sir_" 'ad a hinnings). I am nuts on Germany, - But when Haitch-Har-Haitch wos winnin', why I felt a bustin' throb - Swell this buzzum, for I thinks, thinks I, "Old England's on the job!" - Wich to see _her_ rule the waves, dear, is the hackmy of _my_ dreams, - So no more at present, MARY, from your fellow-servant, - - JEAMES. - - * * * * * - -At a banquet given in Bristol in honour of the invincible bicyclist, -Mr. A. A. ZIMMERMAN, a reverend gentleman suggested that -the Town Councillors should present the freedom of that city to the -two champions W. G. GRACE and A. A. ZIMMERMAN. -Another spokesman, on the same festive occasion, remarked that he had -heard of a book called _Zimmerman on Solitude_. He had never seen -ZIMMERMAN on Solitude, but he had beheld him on a safety. -Really in Bristol their badinage is quite brilliant! - - * * * * * - -ESSENCE of PARLIAMENT. - -EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. - -[Illustration] - -_House of Commons, Monday, August 12._--Back in the old place. Same -address; same walls; same benches; same stage in short, but almost -entirely new company. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD lends friendly -look to Front Opposition Bench. But there are many vacant places to -right and left of him. Where is JOHN MORLEY, and ARNOLD -MORLEY, and SHAW-LEFEVRE who saved our Commons but could -not save his seat among them? What has become of JOHN HIBBERT, -gentlest mannered man that ever repulsed attack on the public purse? -And GEORGE RUSSELL and LEVESON-GOWER? Was not even -a BRAND plucked from the burning? Was "BOBBY," in -laager behind his collar, cut off in the full fragrance of youth and -beauty? - -SARK, looking round on other quarters of House, cannot refrain -from dropping a salt if silent tear. "You call this the House of -Commons," he said, bitterly, "and find in it no place for ALPHEUS -CLEOPHAS? One black man may be as good as another, and even -better; that is the MARKISS'S affair. As VIRGIL wrote -of _Trojan_ and _Tyrian_," - - BHOWNAGGREE NAOROJI mihi nullo discrimine agetur. - -But how is Parliament going to limp along without our -CONYBEARE, our SEYMOUR KEAY, and our DON'T KEIR -HARDIE? I suppose it's all right. The SPEAKER will take -Chair at usual hour; questions will be put and answered; Bills will -make progress and 'the House will now adjourn.' But if the House of -Commons is itself without the eminent persons I have mentioned, I at -least shall not be able to recognise its identity." - -"Oh, cheer up," said ST. JOHN BRODRICK, Premier-maker, -Destroyer of Majorities, sort of Parliamentary WARWICK. -"You don't know what the future may have in store for you. There are -fathomless possibilities in this unfamiliar crowd. It's true no new -Members, as far as I observed, came down in a brake accompanied by -trumpets also and shawms. But DON'T KEIR HARDIE didn't live -up to that introduction. The fact is, it probably had something to do -with his distinct failure. It raised expectation too high, and even his -collarless shirt, his short jacket, his Tweed cap, and his tendency -to shed papers out of his over-stuffed pockets as he walked about the -premises, didn't make up what was lacking." - -Whilst WARWICK BRODRICK talking, he was constantly turning -over things in his pockets. Thought at first it was money. "Been -drawing your salary a quarter in advance?" I asked, anxious to learn -the habits of the new Ministry. - -"No," said WARWICK, "it's not that. See," he said, picking -out handful of small bullets; "these are what we use in the new rifles -fired with cordite. Nice things you know. Will hop across two miles -before you know where you are. In the other pocket got a few charges of -cordite. No! Rather not see them? Well, no accounting for prejudice. I -mean to keep a supply always on hand, or rather in pocket. Opposition -not likely to do anything much yet awhile. But they'll try and form -up by-and-by. When they do, I'll show 'em a cordite cartridge, rattle -a few of these bullets, with their cupro-nickel jackets, and, poof! -they're off just as they were when I defeated the late Government in -June. Can't have too much of a good thing. What cordite's done once it -may do again." - -And the Financial Secretary to the War Office walked off, -ostentatiously rattling the contents of his pockets as he passed -CAWMELL-BANNERMAN, who visibly faltered. - -_Business done._--NEW SPEAKER elected. - - * * * * * - -Arcades Ambo. - - The Heathen Chinee and Unspeakable Turk - Seem largely alike, in Gehenna's black work. - The earth would smile fairer, methinks, were it free - Of Unspeakable Turk and of Heathen Chinee. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: IDLE SPEECHES. - -"AND SO _THAT_'S HER HUSBAND, IS IT? LOOKS AS IF SHE'D WON HIM IN A -RAFFLE!" - -"AND AS IF THE TICKETS FOR THAT RAFFLE HADN'T BEEN VERY -EXPENSIVE!"] - - * * * * * - -THE OLLENDORF GUIDE TO KNOWLEDGE. - -THE CHEAP EXCURSIONIST. - -Did the good neighbour go by the cheap excursion? Yes, the good -neighbour did go by the cheap excursion, and so did his wife, his -wife's mother, and his six children. Did he catch the cab of the early -driver? No, he did not catch the cab of the early driver, but he used -the omnibus of the sleeping coachman, who took him as far as half-way -(half-way as far as). Had the good neighbour to finish the journey to -the railway station on foot? Yes, he had, and so had his wife, his -wife's mother, and his six children. Are they in a good temper, or -a bad temper? They are in a bad temper, because it is raining, and -because the mother of the wife of the good neighbour had not wished to -go. Have they found the right train? No, they have not found the right -train, but are entering carriages bound for another destination. Has -the guard of the wrong train disturbed the good neighbour, his wife, -his wife's mother, and his six children? The guard of the wrong train -has disturbed them, and has thrust them into the bad carriages of the -right train. Were not the bad carriages of the right train already -crowded? They were already crowded with the hairdresser, the artist's -model, the plasterers, the builders, the sweeps, the fruiterers, and -the quiet young man who contributes poetry to the columns of a local -paper. Did not the entrance of the good neighbour, his wife, his -wife's mother, and his six children, inconvenience the hairdresser, -the artist's model, the plasterers, the builders, the sweeps, the -fruiterers, and the quiet young man who contributes poetry to the -columns of the local paper? It did, and caused most of them to use -bad language (_i.e._, oaths). Did the quiet young man who contributes -poetry to the columns of a local paper use bad language? No, the quiet -young man who contributes poetry to the columns of a local paper -did not use bad language, because he was in a fit. How did the good -neighbour enjoy his journey? The good neighbour did not enjoy his -journey, because he had to submit to the smoke of the hairdresser, the -lavender water of the artist's model, the snuff of the plasterers, the -smoke of the builders, the concertinas of the sweeps, the comic songs -of the fruiterers, and the gasps of the quiet young man who contributes -poetry to the columns of a local paper. Did the good neighbour have -to submit to any further inconvenience? Yes, he was abused by his -wife, bullied by his wife's mother, and plagued by his six children. -Was the weather at the destination of the good neighbour favourable? -No, it was not favourable, as it rained heavily all day. Did the good -neighbour find time hang heavily on his hands? Yes, he did find time -hang heavily on his hands; but not so heavily as his wife, his wife's -mother, and six children. Did the good neighbour, his wife, his wife's -mother, and his six children get sufficient to eat? No, they did not -get sufficient to eat; but they discussed the broken scraps left at -a shilling ordinary (_i.e._, ordinary price one shilling). Were they -happy to get home? Yes, they were happy to get home; but had to return -with the hairdresser, the artist's model, the plasterers, the builders, -the sweeps, the fruiterers, but not the quiet young man who contributes -poetry to the columns of a local paper. Were the hairdresser, the -artist's model, the plasterers, the sweeps, and the fruiterers more -noisy at night than they had been in the morning? Yes, they were more -noisy, because they had all been drinking the much-adulterated beer of -the prosperous but dishonest publican. Did the good neighbour arrive at -home at last? Yes, the good neighbour did arrive at home at last, but -more dead than alive (_i.e._, aliver than more dead). Will the wife of -the good neighbour, her mother, and her six children go on a similar -trip on the next suitable occasion? They will go, but they will not be -accompanied, if he can help it, by the good neighbour. Will the good -neighbour be able to help it? No, the good neighbour will not be able -to help it; so he will accompany his wife, his wife's mother, and his -six children, protesting. Will the good neighbour use good language? -No, the good neighbour will use bad language. Will the bad language of -the good neighbour be very wrong? Yes, the bad language of the good -neighbour will be very wrong, but it will not be unnatural. - - * * * * * - -On the Cards. - - M'CARTHY a-cudgelling HEALY now starts, - And HEALY mild JUSTIN remorselessly drubs. - Alas, that long over-due "Union of _Hearts_," - Will become a Collision of _Clubs!_ - - * * * * * - -MONOPOLY.--M. MAX O'RELL, who has commonly "a guid -conceit o' himsel'," and shows it, with more than Scottish--or, as _he_ -says, Scotch--simplicity, dislikes the monopolist egotism shown in the -phrase "an English gentleman." "A gentleman of France" would perhaps -less shock his fine altruistic sensibilities. He suggests that speaking -of a courteous Scot we dub him "an _English_ gentleman," but were he a -murderer should call him "a _Scotch_ murderer." Perhaps he will write -a new book, and call it "JOHN BULL and his _Bile_." "It is -wonderful" (he continues) "how JOHN BULL manages to monopolise -all that is good, and let the rest of the world partake of what he does -not want." Well, not entirely, perhaps. For example, JOHN BULL -does not wish to "monopolise" MAX O'RELL himself, though, of -course, he is "good," and full of "good things." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "The Sooner the Better." - -FIRST PORTER (A. J. B.) "COME MATE! PUT YOUR BACK INTO -IT--WE'VE GOT TO SHUNT _THIS_ BEFORE WE CAN GO OFF DUTY!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: JUSTIN THE TERRIBLE! - -_J. M'Carthy_ (_with dim recollection of Mr. Penley as the "Rev. Robert -Spalding"_). "DO YOU KNOW, TIMOTHY, IF YOU GO ON LIKE THIS, I SHALL -HAVE TO GET _VERY CROSS_ WITH YOU; I SHALL REALLY HAVE TO GIVE YOU A -_GOOD HARD KNOCK!_" - - * * * * * - -HARRY ON 'ARRY. - - ["There is no doubt whatever that a large number of Englishmen - abroad conduct themselves in a manner which brings discredit on our - country.... Such demonstrations, indeed, are taken to mean that our - countrymen desire thereby to show their consciousness of superiority - over foreigners.... We do not want "HARRYS" to disgrace us, - no matter whether the "trippers" ride in first, second, or third-class - carriages." - - _The "Echo" on "English Tourists Abroad."_] - - Dear BERTIE,--I _have_ got the needle, and got it exceedingly sharp. - This 'ARRY--I mean the cad-cockney well known to "the 'Eath and the - 'Arp"-- - Is becomin' no end of a nuisance all round; but I think you'll agree - It is playin' it pretty low down when they mix up that mongrel with me! - - One would think the dropped aitch and apostrophe ought to have labelled - _that_ brand, - Which the Comics, in picture and patter, have scattered all over the - land; - But surely some new Trades Mark Act must be wanted exceedingly bad - When HARRY, the travellin' Briton, is jumbled with 'ARRY the Cad. - - Just glance at the cutting enclosed. Now I travel, in silks, as you know, - And Paris and Lyons to me are familiar as Bradford or Bow. - But a gent _is_ a gent, though in trade, and abroad just as much as at - home, - And the manners that pass in Pall Mall _ought_ to do for Berlin or for - Rome! - - I'm sick, my dear fellow, of readin' about British Cads on the trip, - And the way that they rough-up the foreigners. Every French barber or - snip, - With a back that's all hinges and angles, will read us a lesson on form, - And the penny-a-liners at home back him up, and we--bow to the storm! - - It's rot, and there's no other word for it! _I_ mean rebellin' for one. - All this talk about 'Arries Abroad, which the ink-slingers think such - prime fun, - Is all unpatriotic knock-under, poor tame cosmopolitan cant. - And as much a true bill as the chat of that sour Mrs. ORMISTON CHANT. - - If there's anythin' gives me the hump, it is hearin' Old England run - down; - And your Rads, and your Cads, and your Cocktails, all haters of Class - and the Crown, - Are eternally bastin' JOHN BULL on his bullyin' airs and stiff back. - O it gives me the very go-nimble to hear their contemptible clack! - - They charge us with bounce and bad manners, with trottin' around in - queer togs, - With chaffin' the waiters at _cafés_, and treatin' the porters like dogs. - They say we raise shines in their churches, and mock their processions - and priests; - In fact, if you'd only believe them you'd class us as bullies and beasts. - - Now _I_ say a Briton's a Briton wherever he happens to go. - He has got to be "taken as written," with freedom his briar to blow, - His flannels and bowler to sport, his opinions and tastes to express, - As he would in Hyde Park or the Strand, _and he won't be contented - with less_. - - He takes "_Rule, Britannia_" along with him, young JOHNNY BULL does, - you bet; - And it's no use for Germans to grunt, and it's no use for Frenchmen - to fret. - We've got to be _free_, my dear fellow,--no matter if welcome or not,-- - And to slang us as "'Arries Abroad" _for_ that freedom is all tommyrot. - - That Johnny who writes about 'ARRY--in _Punch_ don'tcher know--is a Rad, - I can see it as plain as be blowed; and he labels the lot of us "Cad", - If we've patriot hearts and high spirits, talk slang, and are fond of a - spree, - But _his_ 'ARRY's no class, and it's like his dashed cheek to confound - him with _me!_ - - He's done heaps of mischief, that joker, along of his levellin' trick, - Of tarrin' the classes and masses, without any judgment or pick, - With one sweepin' smudge of his tar-brush. Cad! Cad! Cad!--all over - the shop!-- - I'm sure _he_'s a bloomin' outsider, and wish _Punch_ would put on - the stop. - - _I_ like easy ways and slang-patter, _I_'m Tory and patriot all round,-- - As every true Englishman _must_ be who isn't an ass or a hound,-- - But your ill-spellin', aitch-droppin' howler, with "two quid a week"--as - he brags-- - Isn't _me_, but a Battersea bounder with big bulgy knees and loud bags. - - I _did_ do the boulevards once in striped knickers and straw, I admit; - And once in a Catholic church I will own I did laugh fit to split. - But then, foreign tastes are so funny, and foreign religions so rum; - And if they _will_ play mumbo-jumbo, how _can_ a smart Johnny keep mum? - - It is all the dashed foreigners' fault. They don't relish _our_ - up-and-down style; - They smirk and they play monkey-tricks and then scowl if we happen to - smile. - They hate us like poison, and swear 'tis because of our "swagger and - bounce," - But it's BULL'S fightin' weight that they funk, and by gad, they know - that to an ounce! - - There! I've let off the steam, and feel better! We need "Coalition" - all round, - We gents, against Cad-dom, _and_ Rad-dom,--_they_ don't differ much, - I'll be bound-- - We've got it in Parliament--rippin'!--and if the same scheme we can carry - In social arrangements, why _then_ 'ARRY won't be confounded with - - HARRY. - - * * * * * - -SCRAPS FROM CHAPS. - -ON A CROSS BENCH.--The Union of Hearts does not seem to have -spread as far as Limerick, if the meetings of the Limerick Rural -Sanitary Board are any test. One member expressed an opinion that the -Conservative Government would do as much for the labourers as the Whig -Government had done. - - Mr. M'MAHON.--We'll give them a chance. - - Mr. M'INERNEY.--We have got very little out of the Liberal - Government. - - Mr. MORAN.--Bad is the best of them. - - The discussion then ended. - -This is unkind to Mr. MORLEY. Perhaps a stave of a popular -Irish melody will run thus,-- - - Och, these dhrivellin' Saxon Governments, - They dhroive us patriots mad! - The worst of 'em's unspakable, - And the best of 'em is bad! - - * * * * * - -"A LITTLE MORE CIDER TOO."--"The National Association of Cider -Makers," says the _Bristol Mercury_, "is taking energetic measures -to ensure more attention being given to the cider competitions at -agricultural shows." And it can't make its measures too energetic--not -even if it turns an average consumption of a pint-measure into a quart. -What beverage beats cider cup--unless it be perry cup? At present the -only people at the shows who are allowed to taste the cider are the -judges. But the public want to taste, too--give them a taste _of_ -cider, and they'll get a taste _for_ it in no time. And rival makers -want to taste each other's products, so as to make their own better. -"Cider on tap" is the motto for the shows, and the West country will -thus be given a deciderdly useful "leg-up." - - * * * * * - -PUERIS REVERENTIA!--The advertisement question in tram-cars is -"up" again before the Glasgow bailies. The Town Council has banished -these disfigurements, but it seems there are still Philistine bodies -who long for the good old flaring coloured-poster days. Witness this -account of a recent meeting:-- - - Mr. BATTERSBY pointed out that a large revenue could be - derived from advertisements on the cars, and he did not see why the - committee should look over such a thing. - - Bailie PATON said that personally he was dead against putting - advertisements on the cars. If any necessity arose they had that - source of revenue. He would not spoil the beautiful appearance of the - cars by vulgarising them. - - Mr. BATTERSBY.--That is all sentiment of a very puerile - description. - -Perhaps. But as there happens to be a large balance to the good on -the working of the cars, why not allow the "puerile sentiment" to -have play? We could do with a lot of this kind of puerility and -sentimentality down south. - - * * * * * - -GOOD OLD SAM!--Our belief even in the "respectability" of -SAMUEL PEPYS is gone for ever. The Bright light recently -thrown on him by the indefatigable MYNORS BRIGHT has done -the trick. This skilled and uncompromising decipherer of the Pepysian -shorthand will be remembered in connection with these volumes as -"_Under_-MYNORS BRIGHT." - - * * * * * - -APPROPRIATE SPOT FOR A PROVINCIAL BICYCLE CLUB.--Some Rural -Wheellage in the Wheel'd of Kent. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: WHAT, INDEED! - -"LOOK HERE, DOCTOR, MY SON WANTS ME TO SEND HIM TO _COLLEGE_, AND -HE SPELLS IT _COLIDGE_. WHY HAVEN'T YOU TAUGHT HIM BETTER?" - -"AH--I'M AFRAID THAT MERE SPELLING IS NOT TAUGHT IN OUR -CURRICULUM!" - -"THEN WHAT ON EARTH _IS_ TAUGHT IN YOUR CURRICULUM?" - - [_The Doctor suddenly remembers that the Sixth Form are waiting for - his Lecture on Sophocles._] - - * * * * * - -IN RE THE I. O. C. R. V. C. - -The suggestions I was permitted to make on a recent occasion concerning -the future of "the Devil's Own" having been productive of a perfect -torrent of letters, I hope that I may be allowed to reply, before the -commencement of the fast-approaching Long Vacation, through the columns -of a paper that for more than half a century has been the recognised -organ of the Bench, the Bar, and the other branch of the legal -profession. First let me repudiate, with the scorn it justly merits, -and indignation which has moved me to tears, the contention that in -calling attention to the comparatively falling fortunes of the Inns of -Court I was "making a bid for the chiefship of the battalion." Although -willing (no doubt in common with every other Englishman of right -feeling) to shed my blood to its last drop in defence of my country, -I can see no possible good in accepting "the crown and star" of the -I. O. C. R. V. C. No, I prefer the "stuff" of the ranks to the "silk" -of command. So the forensic wag, who apparently found time during the -pauses of a contested election in a wavering constituency to depict -me as a colonel with PORTINGTON as my orderly, was at fault -in his conclusions. His rough-and-ready pen-and-ink sketch, although -strongly resembling Sir HENRY IRVING in the character of _Don -Quixote_, was not without a certain rude kind of merit. When I inspect -it (and probably I shall examine it frequently) I shall be reminded -of the talents of one who, had he not been a "Q.C., M.P.," might have -become the rival of ROWLANDSON, the peer of GILRAY, -and the modern extinguisher of the less serious of the Old Masters of -the sixteenth century. But to return more immediately to the subject of -my correspondence. - -"The Brightest Ornament of the British Bench" writes to me to say that -he considers "The Brook Green Volunteer" was the precursor of the -Inns of Court. I respectfully submit to his Lordship that he is in -error. The Brook Green Volunteer was the solitary representative of -his battalion. I am happy to be able to say that the "Devil's Own," -although no doubt reduced in numbers, has never on parade presented -so insignificant a "field state." Consequently, the statement that -"the regiment is likely to diminish to its original proportions" is a -prophecy founded upon a misunderstanding and nourished upon a fallacy. - -The proposal of "One who bows daily to his Lordship during Term Time" -is excellent. My correspondent suggests that the Junior Bar, not -immediately concerned in the business of the Courts, should drill -silently in open Court. Of late it has been ordained by the Red-book -that commands may be conveyed by gesture. Thus, a Judge trying a case, -by raising or depressing his arms, or clenching his fist, might cause -the not-immediately-employed Bar to "turn" to the right or left, or -even to "lie down." This last command might be deemed satisfied by -the Wig-wearers "coming to the sitting posture smartly." At the close -of the day's proceedings, his Lordship might raise his left arm to -the height of his elbow, upon which the temporarily-unemployed might -take up their dummy briefs, and hold them at "the recover." The hand -of his Lordship brought towards the face, with the thumb pointing in -the direction of the nose, might cause the juniors to "turn" right -and left. "Then, when the senior usher raised both his arms towards -the ceiling, the stuff-gownsmen might march to their front through -the corridors until they dismissed without further gesture of command -in the robing rooms." Altogether capital! "One who bows daily to his -Lordship during Term Time" should publish his suggestions in pamphlet -form, to be sold at the popular price of a penny. - -"A Junior of Fifty Years' Standing" considers that no one should be -admitted to an Inn of Court who was unwilling to join the "Devil's -Own." He declares that he himself has done infinitely more work as a -rifleman than as a counsel. "And yet," he adds, "I found the labour -very light. I do not believe I attended more than one parade in the -course of a year on the average." I may add, that possessing the name -of "A Junior of Fifty Years' Standing," I can vouch for my learned -friend's accuracy, eminence, and ability. - -"A Judge who prefers Newmarket to the Law Courts," proposes that the -corridors should be utilised as a drill-ground. "Let the Briefless -Brigade drill therein during Term time, so that they may be ready to -hand if needed." A very valuable suggestion. - -"One who takes three years of practice to earn a quarter of chambers' -rent" suggests that "The Devil's Own" should adopt as its regimental -motto, "Retained for the Defence." Considering the numbers of the -battalion, I am afraid the device would have a sarcastic significance. -And now, in all sober seriousness, can nothing be done to put the grand -old corps on its former satisfactory footing? It has an illustrious -past--most of the best known men at the Bar belonged to it--is it -impracticable to secure for it an equally illustrious future? Men -who, for half a lifetime, have stood shoulder to shoulder in defence -of their clients' causes can surely adopt the same satisfactory and -honourable position to protect the interests of the ancient battalion. -Let Bench and Bar work with a will, and "The Devil's Own" will be -worthy of its title. And with this prophecy (which sounds well, but -is delivered subject to counsel's revision) I bring my communication, -already too long, to an abrupt conclusion. - - (_Signed_) - - _Pump Handle Court, Aug. 10, 1895._ - - A. BRIEFLESS, JUN. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SOCIAL PRECEDENCE. - -GENTLEMEN ENTITLED TO BARE ARMS.] - - * * * * * - -A MOST SILENT AND DISCREET ECCLESIASTIC.--There is a most -reverend personage who, every year, and especially during the summer -season, must hear any number of _Amantium confessiones_, and his name -is "Father Thames." Let lovers beware of a "babbling brook." - - * * * * * - -REACTION, 1895. - -(_See the "Daily Chronicle" of August 6._) - - Reaction's in the air, and (so to speak) - Its trail is o'er the _Chronicle's_ own pages-- - Witness "An Unknown Quantity" this week, - Whose meditative J-pen disengages - _De rebus omnibus_ a keen critique. - - Extravagance, and levity, and fads - Have been o'erdone, it seems, since Eighteen-eighty - (Or thereabouts); but, our observer adds, - JOHN BULL has this year grown more wise and weighty, - Less "new," less yellow--and has chucked the Rads. - - Reaction's the reverse of retrograde, - If we recede from decadent excesses, - And beat retreat from novelists who trade - On "Sex," from artists whose _chef-d'[oe]uvres_ are messes-- - 'Tis time indeed such minor plagues were stayed! - - Then here's for cricket in this year of GRACE, - Fair-play all round, straight hitting and straight dealing - In letters, morals, art, and commonplace - Reversion unto type in deed and feeling-- - A path of true Reaction to retrace! - - * * * * * - -CAUGHT WITH A "CATCH."--The idiotic catch-line of a Parisian -Café-Concert ditty--"_En voulez-vous des z'homards?_" has been taken -up by the citizens of the gay French capital with as much avidity -as characterized their seizure upon shares in the Russian loan. The -Comtesse Y., in sportive mood, twitted her butler--a very ancient -retainer of the family--upon his antiquated, out-of-date manners, and -chaffingly suggested that he should attempt to be more _fin-de-siècle_. -The veteran _maître-d'hôtel_ assured Madame la Comtesse that he would -give her no further cause for complaint. Accordingly, on the same -evening, while handing round wine at the dinner-party, he promptly -bellowed forth "_En voulez-vous du Pommard?_" - - * * * * * - -TRIFLES LIGHT AS HAIR. - -However much Kentish farmers may grumble about the agricultural -outlook, their strop-and-razor colleagues, the barbers of that county, -should now replace any grief in which they also may be indulging in -reference to _their_ industry, with great gaiety, for there is every -prospect of a long and prosperous run of hirsute harvests. The High -Constable has decreed that, unless his men can grow "well regulated -beards or military moustaches," they are to be clean-shaven. Farewell -the festive "mutton-chop" whisker and the jovial goatee! Henceforth -"Bobby" will be beardless, and as he drinks the mid-day pint of that -frothing beverage whose main ingredient--more or less--is malt, the -upper-lip hops-tacle, upon which the foam was wont to find a brief -resting-place, will be conspicuous by its absence--not lost exactly, -but s(h)aved before. - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - -ROUNDABOUT READINGS. - -President ANDREWS, of Brown University, has contributed to -the _North American Review_ an article entitled "Are there Too Many of -Us?" Personally, I should answer with an unhesitating yes, especially -after Bank Holidays, or _fêtes_ and galas such as those with which the -provinces teem. And it may be noted, by the way, as a curious fact in -the natural history of amusements, that no genuine _fête_ is ever found -without a gala. Conversely a gala without a _fête_ cannot be imagined. -From the presence in your neighbourhood of one of the two you are at -once entitled to infer the presence of the other. - - * * * * * - -I return, however, to Professor ANDREWS. He proves by a series -of elaborate and convincing calculations that if the world started with -a population of two, the increase in 3,000 years would have become "two -quintillion human beings; viz., to every square yard 3,333-1/3 persons. -Or the earth would be covered with men in columns of 833-2/3 each, -standing on each others heads. If they averaged five feet tall, each -column would be 4,166-2/3 feet high." - - * * * * * - -All this sounds highly stupendous. As I am no mathematician, I cannot -compete with Professor ANDREWS of Brown University on equal -terms, but to my non-mathematical mind the only inference to be drawn -from the Professor's calculation appears to be that the world is not -much more than thirty years old, or, let us say, 30-1/3. In another -ten years or so, I suppose we shall have to start work on the columns. -Personally, I am not impatient. I am quite willing to let 832 of my -friends get into position first. I can then climb up and complete -the column. How the fractional third is to be made up I know not, -unless--happy thought--there is to be an extra allowance of three -tailors to every column. - - * * * * * - -The Social Democratic Federation has been meeting in conference -at Birmingham. Comrades QUELCH, BELCHER, -SHAYER, GEARD, TOOTH, TEMPEST, -WATTS and WENLINGTON were all on the spot. Some -discussion took place with reference to _Justice_, the official organ -of the Federation. - - Mr. BELCHER (Lincoln), in the course of discussion, thought - they ought to induce the workers to take up shares, and to back - _Justice_ to the fullest extent. They were inclined to sneer at - capitalists, but they could not carry on the Federation work without - taking a leaf out of the capitalist's book. (_Hear, hear._) - - Mr. M'PHERSON, as one of the auditors, said the branch - accounts in reference to _Justice_ were a disgrace. A great deal was - heard about the immorality of capitalists, but a little more morality - was wanted in some of the branches in regard to the paying of accounts. - -This, of course, is most lamentable. Even a Social Democrat, it seems, -cannot alter hard facts or get on without money. And at present -nobody seems in want of the particular kind of justice which Messrs. -QUELCH, BELCHER and other comrades are anxious to -purvey. - - * * * * * - -I like to rescue from the dark unfathomed caves of ocean any gem -of purest ray serene. Here is one extracted from the speech of Mr. -POWELL WILLIAMS, M.P., at the recent dinner of the Birmingham -Conservative Club. - - Mr. POWELL WILLIAMS, M.P., proposed "The Press," and said - that before he spoke of the Press he would like to correct a statement - which Sir MEYSEY THOMPSON made. That gentleman thought that - Yorkshire was peculiar, inasmuch as it had got rid of something - objectionable in the shape of fever called Shaw-Lefevre. He put in a - claim for distinction for the county of Cornwall. In Cornwall they - would tell you that they had got rid of the worst kind of beer that - anyone ever tasted, and that they called Conybeare. - -Later on Mr. WILLIAMS said that, although the Gladstonian -Press was more numerous than the Unionist Press, it had not been able -to persuade the nation to swallow eighty Irish members--which is, -perhaps, fortunate; since, to take only one, I am sure Mr. TIM -HEALY would prove a very tough morsel to digest. - - * * * * * - -And here is a rose that, but for me, might have blushed unseen in the -report of the proceedings of the South Dublin Union:-- - - Mr. LENEHAN moved, in accordance with notice--"That the - pauper inmate nurses be removed from the male and female Roman - Catholic hospitals, and also from the Protestant male and female - hospitals, and trained nurses engaged to look after the sick poor." - During the course of a lengthened address, delivered in a remarkably - loud voice, he urged that the present system of nursing was bad, that - militiamen were employed for the purpose, and that reliance could not - be placed on the paupers at present engaged in the hospitals. He said - that there were at present 184 inmates employed in nursing, and he - proposed to put a trained nurse in each ward, that would be 43, and - two nurses in each hospital, that would be 8, or 51 in all. These 51 - nurses, at £30 a year, or 11_s._ 6_d._, would be a little over £29 - (_laughter_), or a saving of some shillings (_laughter_). - - Mr. SYKES.--What in the world is the meaning of that - calculation? - - Mr. LENEHAN repeated his statement amidst great laughter. - - Mr. O'REILLY said he would second the motion for the sake of - discussion, as Mr. LENEHAN complained that his resolutions - were never seconded. - - Mr. BYRNE was surprised that Mr. O'REILLY had - seconded the resolution, for Mr. O'REILLY was a sensible - man---- - - Mr. LENEHAN.--I deny that (_laughter_). - - Mr. BYRNE said it was all braggadocio, and a desire to obtain - notoriety, that made Mr. LENEHAN bring this forward. - -After this no one will be surprised to hear that Mr. LENEHAN -withdrew his motion. It must be a terrible thing to be accused of -braggadocio and a desire to obtain notoriety. - - * * * * * - -And finally here is an estimate of Mr. BALFOUR from a -correspondent of the Birmingham _Daily Gazette:_-- - - THE UNIONIST MAJORITY.--_To the Editor of the "Daily - Gazette."_--SIR,--Among the many causes assigned for the - above, no one, so far as I know, has suggested the following one. Is - it too much to hope that the statesmanlike character of Mr. A. J. - BALFOUR has influenced greatly the country at large? His simple - dignity, both in majority and minority, his pluck and energy as Irish - Secretary, are still remembered. The _Spectator_ publishes an article - on "Mr. Balfour's Benignity," and at the reception given to the - Medical Association at the Imperial Institute he and his sister were - received with deafening cheers. Lastly, we shall hear nothing from - himself. Surely all parties recognize and admire such a statesman, and - willingly confide in his future.--AN OUTSIDER. - -But why are we to hear nothing from Mr. BALFOUR himself. As -one who likes good speaking on either side of the House, I hope we may -hear a great deal from Mr. BALFOUR. - - * * * * * - -There have been great doings at Cirencester. At a _fête_ (and gala) -in Earl BATHURST'S park, the chief attraction was the -announcement of a captive balloon, which was expected to make trips -during the afternoon. Unfortunately, however, the gas-main in the -Tetbury Road, where the balloon was filled, was not so large as was -desirable, and the result was that the balloon was not filled till -after five o'clock. It was then taken to the scene of the _fête_ at -Pope's Seat, where every effort was made to make up for lost time. -The Hon. B. BATHURST, M.P., the newly elected member for -the division, made a short speech from the balloon, being received -with loud cheers. The "right away" ascent was afterwards abandoned. -The evening, which proved fine, closed with an excellent display of -fireworks by Professor WELLS. - - If a captive balloon should refuse to inflate, - And should linger too long flopping loose on the grass, - Just insert an M.P. in the car to orate, - And you'll promptly secure an abundance of gas. - - * * * * * - -TO TRICKASTA. - - A note of pain was sounded when you said - That we had better never meet again. - My nerves were shattered and my heart was lead-- - A note of pain. - - Far other had it been when down the lane - You graciously inclined your pretty head - To listen to me. Yes, I was insane - Enough to hope that one day we might wed, - Until your double-dyed deceit grew plain. - I like to think my letter was, when read, - A note of pain. - - * * * * * - -"SITTING ROOM ONLY."--The election of Sir L. LYELL -for Orkney and Shetland on Saturday last brought the General Election -to a conclusion. By this final result the House became quite full, if -not quite FULLERTON. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. -109, August 17, 1895, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, AUGUST 17, 1895 *** - -***** This file should be named 44836-8.txt or 44836-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/8/3/44836/ - -Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer -and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at -http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, -set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to -copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to -protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project -Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you -charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you -do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the -rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose -such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and -research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do -practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is -subject to the trademark license, especially commercial -redistribution. - - - -*** START: FULL LICENSE *** - -THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE -PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK - -To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work -(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project -Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at - www.gutenberg.org/license. - - -Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works - -1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all -the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy -all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. -If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the -terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or -entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. - -1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few -things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See -paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement -and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works. See paragraph 1.E below. - -1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" -or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the -collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an -individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are -located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from -copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative -works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg -are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project -Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by -freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of -this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with -the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by -keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project -Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. - -1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in -a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check -the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement -before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or -creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project -Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning -the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United -States. - -1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: - -1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate -access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently -whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the -phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project -Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, -copied or distributed: - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - -1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived -from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is -posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied -and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees -or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work -with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the -work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 -through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the -Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or -1.E.9. - -1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted -with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution -must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional -terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked -to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the -permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. - -1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this -work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. - -1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg-tm License. - -1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any -word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or -distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than -"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version -posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), -you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a -copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon -request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other -form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. - -1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided -that - -- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is - owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he - has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the - Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments - must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you - prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax - returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and - sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the - address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to - the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." - -- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm - License. You must require such a user to return or - destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium - and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of - Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any - money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days - of receipt of the work. - -- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set -forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from -both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael -Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the -Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. - -1.F. - -1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm -collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain -"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or -corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual -property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a -computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by -your equipment. - -1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right -of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal -fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT -LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE -PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE -TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE -LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR -INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH -DAMAGE. - -1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with -your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with -the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a -refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity -providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to -receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy -is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further -opportunities to fix the problem. - -1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER -WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO -WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. - -1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. -If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the -law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be -interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by -the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any -provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. - -1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance -with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, -promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, -harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, -that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do -or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm -work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any -Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. - - -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm - -Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers -including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists -because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from -people in all walks of life. - -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will -remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure -and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. -To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation -and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 -and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org - - -Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive -Foundation - -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the -state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal -Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification -number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent -permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. - -The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. -Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered -throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809 -North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email -contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the -Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact - -For additional contact information: - Dr. Gregory B. Newby - Chief Executive and Director - gbnewby@pglaf.org - -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide -spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. - -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations -where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To -SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any -particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate - -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. - -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make -any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from -outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. - -Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other -ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. -To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate - - -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works. - -Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm -concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared -with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project -Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. - -Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. -unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily -keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: - - www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |