Add files from ibiblio as of 2025-03-03 18:04:28HEADmain

1 files changed, 1324 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/44836-0.txt b/44836-0.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a70e9c8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/44836-0.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1324 @@
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44836 ***
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 109.
+
+AUGUST 17, 1895.
+
+
+
+
+"THE SECRET OF SUCCESS."
+
+ (_Modern Version of the Story of the Idle and Industrious
+ Apprentices._)
+
+MR. GOODCHILD was admittedly the most successful of merchant
+princes--not only financially, but morally. From a boy the great trader
+had advanced on the road of commerce by leaps and bounds. His parents
+were of humble birth and in poor circumstances, and yet he had risen to
+the top of the tree of commercial prosperity. Mr. GOODCHILD
+had shops, warehouses, wharfs, and a fleet of ships. He had never had
+a reverse. All he had touched had turned to gold. This is so well
+understood that a description of his enormous wealth in detail would be
+entirely superfluous.
+
+"Do you really want to know the secret of my pecuniary triumph?" asked
+Mr. GOODCHILD, when he was questioned on the subject.
+
+"Why, certainly," was the reply. "How is it that your companion, the
+idle apprentice, came to such signal grief?"
+
+"Because he was always reading the worst of literature. He knew the
+history of every felon recorded in the _Newgate Calendar_, original
+edition, and added chapters. That brought my 'colleague as a boy' to
+such dire disaster."
+
+"And you never perused the pernicious documents?"
+
+"Never. And I can prove my statement to the hilt."
+
+"You never perused them! And why not?"
+
+"Because," returned the prosperous capitalist with a gentle smile,
+"those in whose hands my future rested had my true interest at heart.
+_I was never taught to read!_"
+
+And with this suggestive announcement (well worthy of the attention
+of ratepayers who can control the expenditure of the School Board)
+the history of the two apprentices is brought to a conclusion at once
+pleasing and instructive.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DISCRIMINATION.
+
+_Young Man from the Country_ (_with the affable condescension he
+supposes marks the Man about Town_). "'MORNING, COACHMAN! STREETS
+RATHER BUSY THIS MORNING, EH?"
+
+_Metropolitan Driver._ "YUSS--A BIT THE USUAL WAY, SIR. 'OW'S 'OPS
+LOOKIN'?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ARITHMETICAL EXERCISE.
+
+_Letter to the Editor._
+
+"SIR,--I read in the Money Market article last week that
+Dumbells Co., Isle of Man, paid 17 per cent. Now, Sir, a long time ago
+I invested in Dumbells, and use them regularly every morning; also
+I recommend everybody to invest in Dumbells. But where is my 17 per
+cent.? I've never received it. I am certainly considerably better in
+health and muscular development than I was before my investment in
+Dumbells. But, putting this at 5 per cent. better, I still want the
+other twelve. I apply, Sir, to you, for further information, and am,
+yours hopefully,
+
+  "A. WYSE AKER."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A QUERY.
+
+(_By Omar Khayyam._)
+
+ ["WANTED.--An UP and DOWN GIRL; aged 16; English;
+ strong."--_Advertisement in "Times," August 7._]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Tell me, mysterious maiden, when and whence
+  And where and wherefore and on what pretence
+    You're "up-and-down"--this riddle rede, I pray,
+  And rid my bosom of a care immense!
+
+  Does "up" mean sky-high, "down," upon the ground?
+  Is't on a see-saw that you bob and bound?
+    There's more in this than meets the eye, I fear--
+  I cannot rest until the clue be found.
+
+  Are you a damsel, too, that's in-and-out,
+  And there-and-back, and also round-about?
+    You may be all at once for aught I know,
+  For all I know is clouded o'er with doubt.
+
+  Pray, have you golden hair all down your back
+  A-hanging? Is there something that you lack
+    To play with, love, adore--as, say, a bike
+  Whereon to travel up and down a track?
+
+  What though I've never met you in the throng,
+  I'm glad you're English-born, sixteen, and strong;
+    Life has its ups and downs (more downs than ups),
+  But you're a _new_ sort--hence this idle song!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOVE'S JESTER INTERVIEWED.
+
+(_A Page of Mythology written up to Date._)
+
+The Traveller from the Earth left his balloon and trod the cloud that
+seemed prepared to receive him. As he did this there was a peal of
+laughter which echoed far and wide.
+
+"Where am I?" asked the explorer in English, for he was British-born.
+
+"You have come to the head-quarters of waggery," returned the Resident,
+recovering from a violent fit of merriment. "We are never dull here, we
+have so much to amuse us."
+
+"Indeed! And how is that?"
+
+"Why, I take a delight in effecting the most comical transformations
+imaginable. By the simplest means I can cause an inhabitant of the
+Earth to change his costume five times in as many hours. The jest is
+provocative of limitless mirth, especially amongst the doctors and the
+undertakers."
+
+"And what are the simplest means?"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Why, I will serve up on Monday a sun worthy of the most fiery day
+in an unusually sultry August. On Tuesday I will send a gale and
+hailstones, suggestive of the arctic regions at Yule-tide. On Wednesday
+I will resume the oppressive heat until streams dry up, and water rises
+to a premium. Then on Thursday I will cover the ground with snow, and
+finish up the week with a deluge."
+
+The Stranger raised his hat and answered, "The Clerk of the Weather, I
+presume?"
+
+"Quite so," was the immediate response. "And now you must leave me to
+my work, or Englishmen will have nothing to talk about."
+
+And the balloon once more continued its progress amidst a perfect salad
+of the elements.
+
+"Very amusing," thought the Traveller, and then he added aloud,
+speaking incidentally the opinion of all his countrymen, "but
+distinctly inconvenient!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MERELY A SUGGESTION.
+
+_Mr Punch_ (_to the Shahzada_). "WOULDN'T YOUR HIGHNESS LIKE TO SEE
+THE NORTH POLE?"
+
+["At the weekly meeting of the Balloon Society on the 6th inst., Herr
+S. A. ANDRÉE read a paper on the projected Polar balloon
+expedition.... He intended, he said, to go to Spitzbergen and wait for
+a southerly wind, which would take him very quickly into the Polar
+regions."
+
+  _Pall Mall Gazette, August 7, 1895._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO CHLOË.
+
+  You're mine "in haste"--and so it ends,
+    The usual scrambling, headlong letter;
+  Long vanished are the days of friends
+    Not otherwise more kind or better,
+  Who yet excelled in this respect--
+    In that they grudged not time or trouble
+  The choicest phrases to select,
+    Nor wrote their letters "at the double"!
+
+  You're mine "in haste." It's not your fault,
+    You're but unconsciously reflecting
+  Our modern life, we cannot halt,
+    The vice is now beyond correcting,
+  But yet we sigh for old-world days
+    When lighter far was toil and worry,
+  When life was spent in peaceful ways
+    Without the least idea of hurry.
+
+  You're "mine in haste"--but as I'm told
+    (The saying's not precisely novel)
+  That all that glitters is not gold,
+    The fairy palace proves a hovel,
+  So, possibly, that age was dull,
+    And since you've graciously consented
+  To live to-day--it's wonderful
+    And wrong, perhaps--but I'm contented!
+
+  You're "mine in haste." I must devote
+    Five minutes to a swift endeavour
+  To pen an answer to your note,
+    But let me sign myself, "Yours ever";
+  'Tis not an antiquarian taste
+    Which makes your phrase earn my displeasure
+  So much as that "you're mine in haste"
+    Suggests that I'll "repent at leisure"!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONE OF THE CHURCH MILITANT.--The Venerable Archdeacon
+DENISON celebrated his ninetieth birthday last week. He has
+been in all the hard fighting, and never shirked. May he yet long be a
+Denizen amongst us. _Prosit!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. R. says that, though she has known it all her life, yet she could
+never quite make out what is the meaning of the old saying that "One
+man can only stand at a door, while another may look over a house."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REASSURING.
+
+"LOR' BLESS YER, SIR, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR! _THAT_ AIN'T A FLY,
+SIR!--_THAT_'S A BIT OF DIRT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BALLAST FOR THAT BALLOON;
+
+_Or, Rubbish to be Shot at the Pole._
+
+ Dr. ANDRÉE, if you're going to the Pole by a balloon,
+ (_Punch_ hopes you'll be successful, and he trusts you'll come back soon,)
+ _Could_ you find a little room for some companions in your car?
+ We have some whom we should like to see thus travelling afar.
+ _Place aux dames!_ There's the New Woman whom we really do not want,
+ And the Female-suffrage female, and the shrieking slave of Cant;
+ There's the Fashionable Mother who constricts her daughters' waists,
+ There's the Woman with a Past, who so pollutes the public tastes;
+ There's the female who is masculine, the male effeminate,
+ The Hedonist of hollow heart and paradox-muddled pate;
+ There's that big bore the Degenerate, he'll turn up, divil doubt him!
+ And that other bore, almost as big, who writes big books about him;
+ There's the pedlar of Emotions, and the petty foe of Morals,
+ There's the stirrer up in newspapers of journalistic quarrels;
+ There's the thorough paced denouncer of Creation's horror--Man;
+ There's the muckrake wielding maunderer on the Mysteries of Pan;
+ There's the dirty dynamiter, the neurotic novelist!--
+ Oh, take them to the Pole, Sir, I'll be happy to assist,
+ And drop them there--and _leave_ them there--"they never will be missed!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On account of the vogue for cycling in Battersea Park this summer, the
+past two months will be remembered as the "Bike-at-Batterseason '95."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY OUR NOTES-AND-QUERY-MAN.
+
+_Mem. for the next Historian of England._
+
+It is probable, from recent discoveries in the Archives of the State
+Paper Office, that immediately after the time of CRANMER,
+in consequence of his having recanted two or three times, the See of
+Canterbury was to have been re-named "The See of Recanterbury." Also
+the question as to the origin of the name is, we believe, finally
+settled by the fact having come to light, that, every Archbishop,
+in consequence of the extent of his diocese and the necessity of
+his taking exercise, was compelled to be (as was Dr. TAIT,
+and as is the present Archbishop, Dr. BENSON) an excellent
+equestrian, and that the favourite pace for proceeding comfortably
+and expeditiously was "a canter." The origin of the "bury" has yet
+to be accounted for, as it has been spelt at various times "_bery_,
+"_berry_", "_berie_," "_burrie_," "_bury_." But Kent being an hop
+county, and beer the popular beverage from time immemorial, it is
+highly probable that as "_canter_" referred to the horse, so "_bery_"
+(with the "_e_" long "_beery_") referred to the refreshment for
+man (not for beast) required during the journey. This is from an
+antiquarian point of view most interesting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE COWES WEEK."--This, read out aloud to a dairyman and a
+butcher, sounds bad; as the first would be anxious as to the milk, and
+the second as to the veal: for he would argue, "If the cow's weak,
+what'll the calf be?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE POET LAUREATESHIP IN ABEYANCE.--Why not go to the City for
+our Poet Laureate? If a name be any indication, the choice ought at
+once to fall upon "Alderman RYMER."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE COUNTRY OF COCKAIGNE.
+
+A MONOLOGUE--WITH A MORAL.
+
+SCENE--_An airless Court in a London back street._
+TIME--_August._
+
+_Jimmy_ (_aged eight, to_ FLORRIE, _aged seven_). No, I ain't
+comin' to the Reckereation Groun', not jess yit, I carn't.... I'm goin'
+ter wyte about 'ere till the lidy comes.... Why, 'er as is comin' to
+see my Muvver 'bout sendin' me fur a fortnight in the kerntry.... Yus,
+where I was larst year.... It's settled as I'm ter go agine--leastways
+as _good_ as settled. My Farver 'e've sent in a happlication to the
+K'mitty, and Teacher 'e sez 'e kin reckermend me, an' Mr. and Mrs.
+DELVES--them as 'ad the cottidge where I went afore--they've
+arst fur to 'ave me agin--so yer see, FLORRIE, it's all
+_right_. On'y I carn't settle to nuffink afore I know when I'm goin',
+an' about the trine an' that. Yer 'ave ter roide in a trine ter git
+to the kerntry, yer know.... Wot, ain't yer never bin there?... Yer'd
+wanter fawst enough if yer knoo what it was loike.... There's grorss
+there, an' trees an' that.... Na-ow, a _lot_ better 'n the Reckereation
+Groun'--that's all mide outer old grivestones as the deaders 'as done
+wiv. There's 'ills an' bushes an' 'edges where yer can pick flowers.
+...There ain't no perlice to _git_ yer locked up.... An' everyfink
+smells so lovelly, kinder 'elthy like--it mikes yer feel 'ungry....
+Not like sassages an' inions azackly--'tain't that sorter smell....
+On'y 'ere an' there, an' yer'd 'ardly tell they _was_ shops, they kerry
+'em on that quoiet.... Yer wouldn' call it poky if yer was there. Mr.
+DELVES 'e _was_ a kind man, 'e was; mide me a whistle outer
+a sickermore brornch, 'e did; an' Mrs. DELVES she lemme 'elp
+her feed the chickings.... They 'ad a garding beyind, an' there was
+rasberries an' gooseberries a growin on bushes--strite, they was--I
+ain't tellin' yer no lies--an' eat as many as yer like, yer could.
+An' they 'ad a dog--_Rover 'is_ nime was--'e was a koind dog, lemme
+lay insoide of 'is kennel orfen, 'e would.... I'd like ter 'ave a run
+over thet Common agen, too. I dessay as I shell--p'reps the d'y arter
+to-morrer.... There's a pond on it, an' geese, an' they comes at yer a
+stritching out their necks an' a-'i sin' thet sevidge.... Na-ow, yer've
+on'y got ter walk up to 'em, an' they goes orf purtendin' they took
+yer fur somebody else, an' wasn't meanin' no offence. I ain't afride
+o' no geese, I ain't--nor yet LILY wasn't neither. We sor a
+pig 'aving a ring put froo 'is nose one day. 'E 'ollered out like 'e
+was bein' killed--but 'e wasn't. An' there was a blecksmiff's, where
+they put the 'orse's shoes on red 'ot, an' the 'orse 'e never took no
+notice. Me an' LILY used ter go fur long walks, all under
+trees. Once she showed me a squill--"sqerl" _she_ kep' a-callin' of
+it, till I tole 'er 'ow--an' it run up a tree zigzag, and jumped on
+to another ever so fur. That was when we was pickin' nuts. We went a
+blackberryin', too, one day.... Na-ow, there warn't nobody dead. An'
+LILY.... LILY DELVES 'er nime was, b'longed to them I
+was stoppin' wiv.... I didn't notice partickler.... Older nor you, an'
+bigger, an' lots redder 'bout the cheeks.... She wasn't a bad sort--fur
+a gal.... I dunno; I liked _all_ on 'em.... Well, there was Farmer
+FURROWS, 'e was very familiar, said as 'ow I might go inter
+'is horchard an' pick the happles up as was layin' there jest fur the
+arskin'. An' BOB RUMBLE, 'im as druv Mr. KENNISTER
+the grocer's cart, 'e used ter gimme a roide along of 'im when 'e
+was tikin' round porcels an' that. We'd go along lanes that 'igh
+yer couldn't see nuffink fur leaves; and once 'e druv along a Pork
+with tremenjus big trees in it, an' stagses walkin' about underneath
+with grite big 'orns.... Suthink like 'im as is drawed outside the
+public round the corner--on'y they warn't none o' them gold. I 'speck
+them gold ones is furrin.... An' the grub--we 'ad beefstike pudd'n
+o' Sundays, an' as much bread an' treacle every day as ever I could
+eat, an' I _was_ 'ungry when I was in the kerntry.... An' when I come
+away Mrs. DELVES she gethered me a big noseguy fur to tike
+'ome to Muvver--kissantimums, marigoles, an' dyliers, all sorts there
+was--an' Muvver she put 'em in a jug, an' soon as ever I shet my eyes
+an' sniffed, I could see that garding an' _Rover_ an' LILY as
+_pline_--but they went bad, an' 'ad to be froed aw'y at larst. I shall
+see 'em all agine very soon now, though, won' thet be proime, eh?...
+Whatsy? 'Ere, FLORRIE, you ain't _croyin'_, are yer?... Why
+don't yer arsk yer Farver if 'e won't let _you_ go.... Oh, I thought as
+yer _wanted_ to go. Then what _are_ yer----?... No, I ain't gled to git
+aw'y from you.... A-course I shell be gled to see 'er; but that ain't
+why, it's jest----You ain't never bin in the kerntry, or you'd know 'ow
+I'm feelin'.... There's the lidy comin' now. I must cut across an' 'ear
+what she sez to Muvver.... Don' tike on--'tain't on'y fur a fortnight,
+anyway.... Look 'ere, I got suthink for yer, FLORRIE, bought
+it orf a man what 'ad a tray on 'em--its a wornut, d'yer see? Now open
+it--ain't them two little choiner dolls noice, eh?... I'd rorther you
+'ad it nor 'er, strite, I would!... I'll be back in a minnit.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+AFTER AN INTERVAL OF TWENTY-FOUR HOURS.
+
+No, _I_ ain't bin nowhere partickler.... Settled? yus, it's all settled
+'bout me goin' ter the kerntry.... To-morrer? no, I ain't goin'
+_to-morrer_.... Nex' week? not as I _knows_ on.... You wanter know sech
+a _lot_, you do!... If I _do_ tell yer, you'll on'y go an' larf....
+Well, I ain't goin' at all--_now_ I 'ope you're pleased.... What's the
+good o' bein' _sorry?_... Oh, I don't keer much, I don't.... Set down
+on this step alonger me, then, and don' you go sayin' nuffink, or I'll
+stop tellin' yer.... You remember me goin' in yes'day arternoon to 'ear
+what the lidy said? Well, when I got in, I 'eard 'er s'y, "Yus, it'll
+be a great disappintment fur 'IM, pore boy," she sez, "arter
+lookin' forward to it an' all; but it can't be 'elped." An' Muvver, she
+sez, "'Is Farver'll be sorry, too; it done JIMMY ser much good
+larst time. 'E can't pay not more nor 'arf-a-crownd a week towards it,
+but he can manage that, bein' in work jes now." But the lidy sez, "It's
+this w'y," she sez, "it costis us neelly arf a suffering over what the
+parints pays fur each child, and we ain't got the fun's fur to send
+more 'n a few, 'cos the Public don' suscroibe ser much as they might,"
+she sez. "An' so this year we're on'y sending children as is delikit,
+an' reelly _wants_ a chinge." So yer see, I ain't a goin'. I dunno as
+I'm delikit; but I _do_ want the kerntry _orful_ bad, I do. I wish I
+never 'adn't bin there at all, 'cos then preps I shouldn' mind. An' yit
+I'm gled I bin, too. I dreamt about it larst night, FLORRIE,
+I did. I was a-settin' on this 'ere step, sime as I am now, an' it
+was 'ot an' stoiflin', like it is; an' all of a suddink I see Mr.
+KENNISTER'S cart wiv the grey 'orse turn into our court an'
+pull up hoppersite, an' _Bob Rumble_ 'e was a-drivin' on it. An 'e sez
+"Jump up!" he sez, "and I'll tike yer back to Mr. DELVES'S
+cottidge." And I sez, "May FLORRIE come too." An 'he sez,
+"Yus, both on yer." So up we gits, an' we was droivin' along the lanes,
+an' I was showin' yer the squills an' the stagses, an' jes as we come
+to the turn where yer kin see the cottidge----Well, I don' remember no
+more on it. But it was a noice dream so fur as I got wiv it, an' if I
+'adn't never bin there, I couldn' ha' dreamt it, _could_ I, eh? An',
+like as not, I'll dream the rest on it anuvver night.... An' you must
+try an' dream your share, too, FLORRIE. It'll be a'most like
+bein' in the kerntry in a sort o' w'y fur both on us, won't it?
+
+THE MORAL.--The offices of the Children's Country Holidays
+Fund are at 10, Buckingham Street, Strand, and contributions should be
+made payable to the Hon. Treasurer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Now I'm set up!" as the first page in type observed to his companion
+pages in MS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"RULE, 'BRITANNYER'!"
+
+_Being a loyal letter from Mr. Jeames, at Cowes Regatta, to Mary in
+Mayfair._
+
+  DEAR MARY,--"_Rule, Britannyer!_" To that sentiment I'm partial,
+  As there isn't not one like it, not to make a man feel martial,
+  Pattryottic, and all that, dear. But at this serblime conjunction--
+  Of ryalties and regattas--wy I hutters it with hunction.
+  Rule, _Britannyer!_ As you'll understand I mean the Ryal yot!
+  Hah! Haitch-Har-Haitch--Eving bless him!--knows hexactly wot is wot
+  In the way of yots and racing; wich I'm free to own, my dear,
+  As I _don't_. And moresomever it do make me faint and queer
+  When I think of Hengland's 'Ope aboard that skittish, sloping thing,
+  As looks to my shore-going eyes like a white bird _all wing_.
+  Well, I own I'm not a Wiking; all _I_ want of the blue sea
+  Is a kipper for my breakfust, and a winkle with my tea.
+  But the Guv'nor, _he_'s a topper at the nortickle. Great Scott!
+  'Ow he _do_ put on the Brayvo 'Icks when once aboard a yot!
+  He's a puffeck pocket Neptune, wich a chubby little chap,
+  Looks perticularly fetchin' in a trotty yotting cap.
+  Then he loves the swells--like I do--and it's sweet to 'ear him tork
+  Of his pal the P. of W. and his chum the DOOK O' YORK.
+  He's just like a locomotive on the everlastin' puff,
+  He enjys hisself like fifty, and he's never 'ad enuff:
+  I _do_ like to 'ear him patter to the cumpany ashore,
+  He keeps his friends a-bustin', and the table in a roar.
+  I on'y wish, dear MARY, I could phonygraff his chat,
+  And kinettyscope his haction; you would roar all round your 'at.
+  The Cowes Week _would_ 'ave been rippin' if it 'adn't bin for rain;--
+  (As was bad for Ryal Princes, and likeways for Messrs. PAIN).
+  And them tuppenny-apenny "trippers," as did ought to be kep out
+  When hus gentry is a-swarmin', and there's Ryalties about.
+  The Solent should be cordon'd hoff for Hemperors once a year,
+  For a mix o' Margit manners, and Salvationists, and beer,
+  Ain't no welcome for a Kyser, no, nor yet a Shazydar,
+  As demmocrycy is gettin' too permiskus like, by far.
+  A orty OWEN ZOLLERN didn't ought to be mixed hup
+  With Bank 'Olidays and bikes, when _he_'s a runnin' for a Cup.
+  'Tis his seventh Solent wisit, and things went a trifle rum;
+  And if he took the Himperial 'Ump and nex' year _didn't come_,
+  W'y it wouldn't be serprisink, and hus BULLS, and Cowes, would suffer.
+  Whate'er that HEMPEROR _may_ be, he ain't no idle duffer!
+  The Guv'nor, he hadmires him most tremenjus; so do _hi_.
+  It is suthink a'most touchin' for to see him, smart and spry
+  In his simple yotting costoom, with his snowy cap an' ducks,
+  A-taking it so heasy, though he'd none the best of lucks.
+  And his hironclads!!! Great Gumbo--as the Guv'nor loves to say--
+  They do not spare the powder, and if this is but their play,
+  _I_ don't want to see'em _workin'_. The young HEMPEROR whisked about--
+  With our Guv'nor on his track, too, don't you make no sort of doubt--
+  His hork-heye--the Guv's--wos heverywhere. He watchin' each puff an' pop.
+  From the scrubbin' of a binnycle or the twirlin' of a mop,
+  To polishin' the funnel-tops with rottenstone and ile,
+  Wich he said he watched each mornin', Guv wos in it all the while.
+  He fair shaddered the young KYSER. And the story he'd reherse,
+  With a eloquence and hunction quite like droppin' into werse.
+  And he always soots the haction to the word in sech a way,
+  That when fairly on the cackle he's as good as any play.
+  But, O, MARY! it wos orkerd, and yumillyhating too,
+  When our yot--her name's the _Polywog_--to git a better view,
+  Shoved 'erself a bit too forrad, and, amidst a general skoff,
+  Wos tackled by a snortin' tug, and coolly carted hoff!
+  Guv swore he'd tell his pal the Dook but p'r'aps that wos his fun;
+  He also said he'd arsk him why the _Meteor_ didn't run.
+  Owsomever "_Rule, Britannyer_" is quite good enuff for _me_
+  (Though the "_Hail, Sir_" 'ad a hinnings). I am nuts on Germany,
+  But when Haitch-Har-Haitch wos winnin', why I felt a bustin' throb
+  Swell this buzzum, for I thinks, thinks I, "Old England's on the job!"
+  Wich to see _her_ rule the waves, dear, is the hackmy of _my_ dreams,
+  So no more at present, MARY, from your fellow-servant,
+
+  JEAMES.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At a banquet given in Bristol in honour of the invincible bicyclist,
+Mr. A. A. ZIMMERMAN, a reverend gentleman suggested that
+the Town Councillors should present the freedom of that city to the
+two champions W. G. GRACE and A. A. ZIMMERMAN.
+Another spokesman, on the same festive occasion, remarked that he had
+heard of a book called _Zimmerman on Solitude_. He had never seen
+ZIMMERMAN on Solitude, but he had beheld him on a safety.
+Really in Bristol their badinage is quite brilliant!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE of PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, August 12._--Back in the old place. Same
+address; same walls; same benches; same stage in short, but almost
+entirely new company. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD lends friendly
+look to Front Opposition Bench. But there are many vacant places to
+right and left of him. Where is JOHN MORLEY, and ARNOLD
+MORLEY, and SHAW-LEFEVRE who saved our Commons but could
+not save his seat among them? What has become of JOHN HIBBERT,
+gentlest mannered man that ever repulsed attack on the public purse?
+And GEORGE RUSSELL and LEVESON-GOWER? Was not even
+a BRAND plucked from the burning? Was "BOBBY," in
+laager behind his collar, cut off in the full fragrance of youth and
+beauty?
+
+SARK, looking round on other quarters of House, cannot refrain
+from dropping a salt if silent tear. "You call this the House of
+Commons," he said, bitterly, "and find in it no place for ALPHEUS
+CLEOPHAS? One black man may be as good as another, and even
+better; that is the MARKISS'S affair. As VIRGIL wrote
+of _Trojan_ and _Tyrian_,"
+
+  BHOWNAGGREE NAOROJI mihi nullo discrimine agetur.
+
+But how is Parliament going to limp along without our
+CONYBEARE, our SEYMOUR KEAY, and our DON'T KEIR
+HARDIE? I suppose it's all right. The SPEAKER will take
+Chair at usual hour; questions will be put and answered; Bills will
+make progress and 'the House will now adjourn.' But if the House of
+Commons is itself without the eminent persons I have mentioned, I at
+least shall not be able to recognise its identity."
+
+"Oh, cheer up," said ST. JOHN BRODRICK, Premier-maker,
+Destroyer of Majorities, sort of Parliamentary WARWICK.
+"You don't know what the future may have in store for you. There are
+fathomless possibilities in this unfamiliar crowd. It's true no new
+Members, as far as I observed, came down in a brake accompanied by
+trumpets also and shawms. But DON'T KEIR HARDIE didn't live
+up to that introduction. The fact is, it probably had something to do
+with his distinct failure. It raised expectation too high, and even his
+collarless shirt, his short jacket, his Tweed cap, and his tendency
+to shed papers out of his over-stuffed pockets as he walked about the
+premises, didn't make up what was lacking."
+
+Whilst WARWICK BRODRICK talking, he was constantly turning
+over things in his pockets. Thought at first it was money. "Been
+drawing your salary a quarter in advance?" I asked, anxious to learn
+the habits of the new Ministry.
+
+"No," said WARWICK, "it's not that. See," he said, picking
+out handful of small bullets; "these are what we use in the new rifles
+fired with cordite. Nice things you know. Will hop across two miles
+before you know where you are. In the other pocket got a few charges of
+cordite. No! Rather not see them? Well, no accounting for prejudice. I
+mean to keep a supply always on hand, or rather in pocket. Opposition
+not likely to do anything much yet awhile. But they'll try and form
+up by-and-by. When they do, I'll show 'em a cordite cartridge, rattle
+a few of these bullets, with their cupro-nickel jackets, and, poof!
+they're off just as they were when I defeated the late Government in
+June. Can't have too much of a good thing. What cordite's done once it
+may do again."
+
+And the Financial Secretary to the War Office walked off,
+ostentatiously rattling the contents of his pockets as he passed
+CAWMELL-BANNERMAN, who visibly faltered.
+
+_Business done._--NEW SPEAKER elected.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Arcades Ambo.
+
+  The Heathen Chinee and Unspeakable Turk
+  Seem largely alike, in Gehenna's black work.
+  The earth would smile fairer, methinks, were it free
+  Of Unspeakable Turk and of Heathen Chinee.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IDLE SPEECHES.
+
+"AND SO _THAT_'S HER HUSBAND, IS IT? LOOKS AS IF SHE'D WON HIM IN A
+RAFFLE!"
+
+"AND AS IF THE TICKETS FOR THAT RAFFLE HADN'T BEEN VERY
+EXPENSIVE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OLLENDORF GUIDE TO KNOWLEDGE.
+
+THE CHEAP EXCURSIONIST.
+
+Did the good neighbour go by the cheap excursion? Yes, the good
+neighbour did go by the cheap excursion, and so did his wife, his
+wife's mother, and his six children. Did he catch the cab of the early
+driver? No, he did not catch the cab of the early driver, but he used
+the omnibus of the sleeping coachman, who took him as far as half-way
+(half-way as far as). Had the good neighbour to finish the journey to
+the railway station on foot? Yes, he had, and so had his wife, his
+wife's mother, and his six children. Are they in a good temper, or
+a bad temper? They are in a bad temper, because it is raining, and
+because the mother of the wife of the good neighbour had not wished to
+go. Have they found the right train? No, they have not found the right
+train, but are entering carriages bound for another destination. Has
+the guard of the wrong train disturbed the good neighbour, his wife,
+his wife's mother, and his six children? The guard of the wrong train
+has disturbed them, and has thrust them into the bad carriages of the
+right train. Were not the bad carriages of the right train already
+crowded? They were already crowded with the hairdresser, the artist's
+model, the plasterers, the builders, the sweeps, the fruiterers, and
+the quiet young man who contributes poetry to the columns of a local
+paper. Did not the entrance of the good neighbour, his wife, his
+wife's mother, and his six children, inconvenience the hairdresser,
+the artist's model, the plasterers, the builders, the sweeps, the
+fruiterers, and the quiet young man who contributes poetry to the
+columns of the local paper? It did, and caused most of them to use
+bad language (_i.e._, oaths). Did the quiet young man who contributes
+poetry to the columns of a local paper use bad language? No, the quiet
+young man who contributes poetry to the columns of a local paper
+did not use bad language, because he was in a fit. How did the good
+neighbour enjoy his journey? The good neighbour did not enjoy his
+journey, because he had to submit to the smoke of the hairdresser, the
+lavender water of the artist's model, the snuff of the plasterers, the
+smoke of the builders, the concertinas of the sweeps, the comic songs
+of the fruiterers, and the gasps of the quiet young man who contributes
+poetry to the columns of a local paper. Did the good neighbour have
+to submit to any further inconvenience? Yes, he was abused by his
+wife, bullied by his wife's mother, and plagued by his six children.
+Was the weather at the destination of the good neighbour favourable?
+No, it was not favourable, as it rained heavily all day. Did the good
+neighbour find time hang heavily on his hands? Yes, he did find time
+hang heavily on his hands; but not so heavily as his wife, his wife's
+mother, and six children. Did the good neighbour, his wife, his wife's
+mother, and his six children get sufficient to eat? No, they did not
+get sufficient to eat; but they discussed the broken scraps left at
+a shilling ordinary (_i.e._, ordinary price one shilling). Were they
+happy to get home? Yes, they were happy to get home; but had to return
+with the hairdresser, the artist's model, the plasterers, the builders,
+the sweeps, the fruiterers, but not the quiet young man who contributes
+poetry to the columns of a local paper. Were the hairdresser, the
+artist's model, the plasterers, the sweeps, and the fruiterers more
+noisy at night than they had been in the morning? Yes, they were more
+noisy, because they had all been drinking the much-adulterated beer of
+the prosperous but dishonest publican. Did the good neighbour arrive at
+home at last? Yes, the good neighbour did arrive at home at last, but
+more dead than alive (_i.e._, aliver than more dead). Will the wife of
+the good neighbour, her mother, and her six children go on a similar
+trip on the next suitable occasion? They will go, but they will not be
+accompanied, if he can help it, by the good neighbour. Will the good
+neighbour be able to help it? No, the good neighbour will not be able
+to help it; so he will accompany his wife, his wife's mother, and his
+six children, protesting. Will the good neighbour use good language?
+No, the good neighbour will use bad language. Will the bad language of
+the good neighbour be very wrong? Yes, the bad language of the good
+neighbour will be very wrong, but it will not be unnatural.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On the Cards.
+
+  M'CARTHY a-cudgelling HEALY now starts,
+    And HEALY mild JUSTIN remorselessly drubs.
+  Alas, that long over-due "Union of _Hearts_,"
+    Will become a Collision of _Clubs!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MONOPOLY.--M. MAX O'RELL, who has commonly "a guid
+conceit o' himsel'," and shows it, with more than Scottish--or, as _he_
+says, Scotch--simplicity, dislikes the monopolist egotism shown in the
+phrase "an English gentleman." "A gentleman of France" would perhaps
+less shock his fine altruistic sensibilities. He suggests that speaking
+of a courteous Scot we dub him "an _English_ gentleman," but were he a
+murderer should call him "a _Scotch_ murderer." Perhaps he will write
+a new book, and call it "JOHN BULL and his _Bile_." "It is
+wonderful" (he continues) "how JOHN BULL manages to monopolise
+all that is good, and let the rest of the world partake of what he does
+not want." Well, not entirely, perhaps. For example, JOHN BULL
+does not wish to "monopolise" MAX O'RELL himself, though, of
+course, he is "good," and full of "good things."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "The Sooner the Better."
+
+FIRST PORTER (A. J. B.) "COME MATE! PUT YOUR BACK INTO
+IT--WE'VE GOT TO SHUNT _THIS_ BEFORE WE CAN GO OFF DUTY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JUSTIN THE TERRIBLE!
+
+_J. M'Carthy_ (_with dim recollection of Mr. Penley as the "Rev. Robert
+Spalding"_). "DO YOU KNOW, TIMOTHY, IF YOU GO ON LIKE THIS, I SHALL
+HAVE TO GET _VERY CROSS_ WITH YOU; I SHALL REALLY HAVE TO GIVE YOU A
+_GOOD HARD KNOCK!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARRY ON 'ARRY.
+
+ ["There is no doubt whatever that a large number of Englishmen
+ abroad conduct themselves in a manner which brings discredit on our
+ country.... Such demonstrations, indeed, are taken to mean that our
+ countrymen desire thereby to show their consciousness of superiority
+ over foreigners.... We do not want "HARRYS" to disgrace us,
+ no matter whether the "trippers" ride in first, second, or third-class
+ carriages."
+
+ _The "Echo" on "English Tourists Abroad."_]
+
+  Dear BERTIE,--I _have_ got the needle, and got it exceedingly sharp.
+  This 'ARRY--I mean the cad-cockney well known to "the 'Eath and the
+   'Arp"--
+  Is becomin' no end of a nuisance all round; but I think you'll agree
+  It is playin' it pretty low down when they mix up that mongrel with me!
+
+  One would think the dropped aitch and apostrophe ought to have labelled
+    _that_ brand,
+  Which the Comics, in picture and patter, have scattered all over the
+    land;
+  But surely some new Trades Mark Act must be wanted exceedingly bad
+  When HARRY, the travellin' Briton, is jumbled with 'ARRY the Cad.
+
+  Just glance at the cutting enclosed. Now I travel, in silks, as you know,
+  And Paris and Lyons to me are familiar as Bradford or Bow.
+  But a gent _is_ a gent, though in trade, and abroad just as much as at
+    home,
+  And the manners that pass in Pall Mall _ought_ to do for Berlin or for
+    Rome!
+
+  I'm sick, my dear fellow, of readin' about British Cads on the trip,
+  And the way that they rough-up the foreigners. Every French barber or
+    snip,
+  With a back that's all hinges and angles, will read us a lesson on form,
+  And the penny-a-liners at home back him up, and we--bow to the storm!
+
+  It's rot, and there's no other word for it! _I_ mean rebellin' for one.
+  All this talk about 'Arries Abroad, which the ink-slingers think such
+    prime fun,
+  Is all unpatriotic knock-under, poor tame cosmopolitan cant.
+  And as much a true bill as the chat of that sour Mrs. ORMISTON CHANT.
+
+  If there's anythin' gives me the hump, it is hearin' Old England run
+    down;
+  And your Rads, and your Cads, and your Cocktails, all haters of Class
+    and the Crown,
+  Are eternally bastin' JOHN BULL on his bullyin' airs and stiff back.
+  O it gives me the very go-nimble to hear their contemptible clack!
+
+  They charge us with bounce and bad manners, with trottin' around in
+    queer togs,
+  With chaffin' the waiters at _cafés_, and treatin' the porters like dogs.
+  They say we raise shines in their churches, and mock their processions
+    and priests;
+  In fact, if you'd only believe them you'd class us as bullies and beasts.
+
+  Now _I_ say a Briton's a Briton wherever he happens to go.
+  He has got to be "taken as written," with freedom his briar to blow,
+  His flannels and bowler to sport, his opinions and tastes to express,
+  As he would in Hyde Park or the Strand, _and he won't be contented
+    with less_.
+
+  He takes "_Rule, Britannia_" along with him, young JOHNNY BULL does,
+    you bet;
+  And it's no use for Germans to grunt, and it's no use for Frenchmen
+    to fret.
+  We've got to be _free_, my dear fellow,--no matter if welcome or not,--
+  And to slang us as "'Arries Abroad" _for_ that freedom is all tommyrot.
+
+  That Johnny who writes about 'ARRY--in _Punch_ don'tcher know--is a Rad,
+  I can see it as plain as be blowed; and he labels the lot of us "Cad",
+  If we've patriot hearts and high spirits, talk slang, and are fond of a
+    spree,
+  But _his_ 'ARRY's no class, and it's like his dashed cheek to confound
+    him with _me!_
+
+  He's done heaps of mischief, that joker, along of his levellin' trick,
+  Of tarrin' the classes and masses, without any judgment or pick,
+  With one sweepin' smudge of his tar-brush. Cad! Cad! Cad!--all over
+    the shop!--
+  I'm sure _he_'s a bloomin' outsider, and wish _Punch_ would put on
+    the stop.
+
+  _I_ like easy ways and slang-patter, _I_'m Tory and patriot all round,--
+  As every true Englishman _must_ be who isn't an ass or a hound,--
+  But your ill-spellin', aitch-droppin' howler, with "two quid a week"--as
+    he brags--
+  Isn't _me_, but a Battersea bounder with big bulgy knees and loud bags.
+
+  I _did_ do the boulevards once in striped knickers and straw, I admit;
+  And once in a Catholic church I will own I did laugh fit to split.
+  But then, foreign tastes are so funny, and foreign religions so rum;
+  And if they _will_ play mumbo-jumbo, how _can_ a smart Johnny keep mum?
+
+  It is all the dashed foreigners' fault. They don't relish _our_
+    up-and-down style;
+  They smirk and they play monkey-tricks and then scowl if we happen to
+    smile.
+  They hate us like poison, and swear 'tis because of our "swagger and
+    bounce,"
+  But it's BULL'S fightin' weight that they funk, and by gad, they know
+    that to an ounce!
+
+  There! I've let off the steam, and feel better! We need "Coalition"
+    all round,
+  We gents, against Cad-dom, _and_ Rad-dom,--_they_ don't differ much,
+    I'll be bound--
+  We've got it in Parliament--rippin'!--and if the same scheme we can carry
+  In social arrangements, why _then_ 'ARRY won't be confounded with
+
+  HARRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCRAPS FROM CHAPS.
+
+ON A CROSS BENCH.--The Union of Hearts does not seem to have
+spread as far as Limerick, if the meetings of the Limerick Rural
+Sanitary Board are any test. One member expressed an opinion that the
+Conservative Government would do as much for the labourers as the Whig
+Government had done.
+
+ Mr. M'MAHON.--We'll give them a chance.
+
+ Mr. M'INERNEY.--We have got very little out of the Liberal
+ Government.
+
+ Mr. MORAN.--Bad is the best of them.
+
+ The discussion then ended.
+
+This is unkind to Mr. MORLEY. Perhaps a stave of a popular
+Irish melody will run thus,--
+
+  Och, these dhrivellin' Saxon Governments,
+    They dhroive us patriots mad!
+  The worst of 'em's unspakable,
+    And the best of 'em is bad!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A LITTLE MORE CIDER TOO."--"The National Association of Cider
+Makers," says the _Bristol Mercury_, "is taking energetic measures
+to ensure more attention being given to the cider competitions at
+agricultural shows." And it can't make its measures too energetic--not
+even if it turns an average consumption of a pint-measure into a quart.
+What beverage beats cider cup--unless it be perry cup? At present the
+only people at the shows who are allowed to taste the cider are the
+judges. But the public want to taste, too--give them a taste _of_
+cider, and they'll get a taste _for_ it in no time. And rival makers
+want to taste each other's products, so as to make their own better.
+"Cider on tap" is the motto for the shows, and the West country will
+thus be given a deciderdly useful "leg-up."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUERIS REVERENTIA!--The advertisement question in tram-cars is
+"up" again before the Glasgow bailies. The Town Council has banished
+these disfigurements, but it seems there are still Philistine bodies
+who long for the good old flaring coloured-poster days. Witness this
+account of a recent meeting:--
+
+ Mr. BATTERSBY pointed out that a large revenue could be
+ derived from advertisements on the cars, and he did not see why the
+ committee should look over such a thing.
+
+ Bailie PATON said that personally he was dead against putting
+ advertisements on the cars. If any necessity arose they had that
+ source of revenue. He would not spoil the beautiful appearance of the
+ cars by vulgarising them.
+
+ Mr. BATTERSBY.--That is all sentiment of a very puerile
+ description.
+
+Perhaps. But as there happens to be a large balance to the good on
+the working of the cars, why not allow the "puerile sentiment" to
+have play? We could do with a lot of this kind of puerility and
+sentimentality down south.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOOD OLD SAM!--Our belief even in the "respectability" of
+SAMUEL PEPYS is gone for ever. The Bright light recently
+thrown on him by the indefatigable MYNORS BRIGHT has done
+the trick. This skilled and uncompromising decipherer of the Pepysian
+shorthand will be remembered in connection with these volumes as
+"_Under_-MYNORS BRIGHT."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APPROPRIATE SPOT FOR A PROVINCIAL BICYCLE CLUB.--Some Rural
+Wheellage in the Wheel'd of Kent.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT, INDEED!
+
+"LOOK HERE, DOCTOR, MY SON WANTS ME TO SEND HIM TO _COLLEGE_, AND
+HE SPELLS IT _COLIDGE_. WHY HAVEN'T YOU TAUGHT HIM BETTER?"
+
+"AH--I'M AFRAID THAT MERE SPELLING IS NOT TAUGHT IN OUR
+CURRICULUM!"
+
+"THEN WHAT ON EARTH _IS_ TAUGHT IN YOUR CURRICULUM?"
+
+ [_The Doctor suddenly remembers that the Sixth Form are waiting for
+ his Lecture on Sophocles._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN RE THE I. O. C. R. V. C.
+
+The suggestions I was permitted to make on a recent occasion concerning
+the future of "the Devil's Own" having been productive of a perfect
+torrent of letters, I hope that I may be allowed to reply, before the
+commencement of the fast-approaching Long Vacation, through the columns
+of a paper that for more than half a century has been the recognised
+organ of the Bench, the Bar, and the other branch of the legal
+profession. First let me repudiate, with the scorn it justly merits,
+and indignation which has moved me to tears, the contention that in
+calling attention to the comparatively falling fortunes of the Inns of
+Court I was "making a bid for the chiefship of the battalion." Although
+willing (no doubt in common with every other Englishman of right
+feeling) to shed my blood to its last drop in defence of my country,
+I can see no possible good in accepting "the crown and star" of the
+I. O. C. R. V. C. No, I prefer the "stuff" of the ranks to the "silk"
+of command. So the forensic wag, who apparently found time during the
+pauses of a contested election in a wavering constituency to depict
+me as a colonel with PORTINGTON as my orderly, was at fault
+in his conclusions. His rough-and-ready pen-and-ink sketch, although
+strongly resembling Sir HENRY IRVING in the character of _Don
+Quixote_, was not without a certain rude kind of merit. When I inspect
+it (and probably I shall examine it frequently) I shall be reminded
+of the talents of one who, had he not been a "Q.C., M.P.," might have
+become the rival of ROWLANDSON, the peer of GILRAY,
+and the modern extinguisher of the less serious of the Old Masters of
+the sixteenth century. But to return more immediately to the subject of
+my correspondence.
+
+"The Brightest Ornament of the British Bench" writes to me to say that
+he considers "The Brook Green Volunteer" was the precursor of the
+Inns of Court. I respectfully submit to his Lordship that he is in
+error. The Brook Green Volunteer was the solitary representative of
+his battalion. I am happy to be able to say that the "Devil's Own,"
+although no doubt reduced in numbers, has never on parade presented
+so insignificant a "field state." Consequently, the statement that
+"the regiment is likely to diminish to its original proportions" is a
+prophecy founded upon a misunderstanding and nourished upon a fallacy.
+
+The proposal of "One who bows daily to his Lordship during Term Time"
+is excellent. My correspondent suggests that the Junior Bar, not
+immediately concerned in the business of the Courts, should drill
+silently in open Court. Of late it has been ordained by the Red-book
+that commands may be conveyed by gesture. Thus, a Judge trying a case,
+by raising or depressing his arms, or clenching his fist, might cause
+the not-immediately-employed Bar to "turn" to the right or left, or
+even to "lie down." This last command might be deemed satisfied by
+the Wig-wearers "coming to the sitting posture smartly." At the close
+of the day's proceedings, his Lordship might raise his left arm to
+the height of his elbow, upon which the temporarily-unemployed might
+take up their dummy briefs, and hold them at "the recover." The hand
+of his Lordship brought towards the face, with the thumb pointing in
+the direction of the nose, might cause the juniors to "turn" right
+and left. "Then, when the senior usher raised both his arms towards
+the ceiling, the stuff-gownsmen might march to their front through
+the corridors until they dismissed without further gesture of command
+in the robing rooms." Altogether capital! "One who bows daily to his
+Lordship during Term Time" should publish his suggestions in pamphlet
+form, to be sold at the popular price of a penny.
+
+"A Junior of Fifty Years' Standing" considers that no one should be
+admitted to an Inn of Court who was unwilling to join the "Devil's
+Own." He declares that he himself has done infinitely more work as a
+rifleman than as a counsel. "And yet," he adds, "I found the labour
+very light. I do not believe I attended more than one parade in the
+course of a year on the average." I may add, that possessing the name
+of "A Junior of Fifty Years' Standing," I can vouch for my learned
+friend's accuracy, eminence, and ability.
+
+"A Judge who prefers Newmarket to the Law Courts," proposes that the
+corridors should be utilised as a drill-ground. "Let the Briefless
+Brigade drill therein during Term time, so that they may be ready to
+hand if needed." A very valuable suggestion.
+
+"One who takes three years of practice to earn a quarter of chambers'
+rent" suggests that "The Devil's Own" should adopt as its regimental
+motto, "Retained for the Defence." Considering the numbers of the
+battalion, I am afraid the device would have a sarcastic significance.
+And now, in all sober seriousness, can nothing be done to put the grand
+old corps on its former satisfactory footing? It has an illustrious
+past--most of the best known men at the Bar belonged to it--is it
+impracticable to secure for it an equally illustrious future? Men
+who, for half a lifetime, have stood shoulder to shoulder in defence
+of their clients' causes can surely adopt the same satisfactory and
+honourable position to protect the interests of the ancient battalion.
+Let Bench and Bar work with a will, and "The Devil's Own" will be
+worthy of its title. And with this prophecy (which sounds well, but
+is delivered subject to counsel's revision) I bring my communication,
+already too long, to an abrupt conclusion.
+
+  (_Signed_)
+
+  _Pump Handle Court, Aug. 10, 1895._
+
+  A. BRIEFLESS, JUN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOCIAL PRECEDENCE.
+
+GENTLEMEN ENTITLED TO BARE ARMS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MOST SILENT AND DISCREET ECCLESIASTIC.--There is a most
+reverend personage who, every year, and especially during the summer
+season, must hear any number of _Amantium confessiones_, and his name
+is "Father Thames." Let lovers beware of a "babbling brook."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REACTION, 1895.
+
+(_See the "Daily Chronicle" of August 6._)
+
+  Reaction's in the air, and (so to speak)
+    Its trail is o'er the _Chronicle's_ own pages--
+  Witness "An Unknown Quantity" this week,
+    Whose meditative J-pen disengages
+  _De rebus omnibus_ a keen critique.
+
+  Extravagance, and levity, and fads
+    Have been o'erdone, it seems, since Eighteen-eighty
+  (Or thereabouts); but, our observer adds,
+    JOHN BULL has this year grown more wise and weighty,
+  Less "new," less yellow--and has chucked the Rads.
+
+  Reaction's the reverse of retrograde,
+    If we recede from decadent excesses,
+  And beat retreat from novelists who trade
+    On "Sex," from artists whose _chef-d'[oe]uvres_ are messes--
+  'Tis time indeed such minor plagues were stayed!
+
+  Then here's for cricket in this year of GRACE,
+    Fair-play all round, straight hitting and straight dealing
+  In letters, morals, art, and commonplace
+    Reversion unto type in deed and feeling--
+  A path of true Reaction to retrace!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAUGHT WITH A "CATCH."--The idiotic catch-line of a Parisian
+Café-Concert ditty--"_En voulez-vous des z'homards?_" has been taken
+up by the citizens of the gay French capital with as much avidity
+as characterized their seizure upon shares in the Russian loan. The
+Comtesse Y., in sportive mood, twitted her butler--a very ancient
+retainer of the family--upon his antiquated, out-of-date manners, and
+chaffingly suggested that he should attempt to be more _fin-de-siècle_.
+The veteran _maître-d'hôtel_ assured Madame la Comtesse that he would
+give her no further cause for complaint. Accordingly, on the same
+evening, while handing round wine at the dinner-party, he promptly
+bellowed forth "_En voulez-vous du Pommard?_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRIFLES LIGHT AS HAIR.
+
+However much Kentish farmers may grumble about the agricultural
+outlook, their strop-and-razor colleagues, the barbers of that county,
+should now replace any grief in which they also may be indulging in
+reference to _their_ industry, with great gaiety, for there is every
+prospect of a long and prosperous run of hirsute harvests. The High
+Constable has decreed that, unless his men can grow "well regulated
+beards or military moustaches," they are to be clean-shaven. Farewell
+the festive "mutton-chop" whisker and the jovial goatee! Henceforth
+"Bobby" will be beardless, and as he drinks the mid-day pint of that
+frothing beverage whose main ingredient--more or less--is malt, the
+upper-lip hops-tacle, upon which the foam was wont to find a brief
+resting-place, will be conspicuous by its absence--not lost exactly,
+but s(h)aved before.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROUNDABOUT READINGS.
+
+President ANDREWS, of Brown University, has contributed to
+the _North American Review_ an article entitled "Are there Too Many of
+Us?" Personally, I should answer with an unhesitating yes, especially
+after Bank Holidays, or _fêtes_ and galas such as those with which the
+provinces teem. And it may be noted, by the way, as a curious fact in
+the natural history of amusements, that no genuine _fête_ is ever found
+without a gala. Conversely a gala without a _fête_ cannot be imagined.
+From the presence in your neighbourhood of one of the two you are at
+once entitled to infer the presence of the other.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I return, however, to Professor ANDREWS. He proves by a series
+of elaborate and convincing calculations that if the world started with
+a population of two, the increase in 3,000 years would have become "two
+quintillion human beings; viz., to every square yard 3,333-1/3 persons.
+Or the earth would be covered with men in columns of 833-2/3 each,
+standing on each others heads. If they averaged five feet tall, each
+column would be 4,166-2/3 feet high."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+All this sounds highly stupendous. As I am no mathematician, I cannot
+compete with Professor ANDREWS of Brown University on equal
+terms, but to my non-mathematical mind the only inference to be drawn
+from the Professor's calculation appears to be that the world is not
+much more than thirty years old, or, let us say, 30-1/3. In another
+ten years or so, I suppose we shall have to start work on the columns.
+Personally, I am not impatient. I am quite willing to let 832 of my
+friends get into position first. I can then climb up and complete
+the column. How the fractional third is to be made up I know not,
+unless--happy thought--there is to be an extra allowance of three
+tailors to every column.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Social Democratic Federation has been meeting in conference
+at Birmingham. Comrades QUELCH, BELCHER,
+SHAYER, GEARD, TOOTH, TEMPEST,
+WATTS and WENLINGTON were all on the spot. Some
+discussion took place with reference to _Justice_, the official organ
+of the Federation.
+
+ Mr. BELCHER (Lincoln), in the course of discussion, thought
+ they ought to induce the workers to take up shares, and to back
+ _Justice_ to the fullest extent. They were inclined to sneer at
+ capitalists, but they could not carry on the Federation work without
+ taking a leaf out of the capitalist's book. (_Hear, hear._)
+
+ Mr. M'PHERSON, as one of the auditors, said the branch
+ accounts in reference to _Justice_ were a disgrace. A great deal was
+ heard about the immorality of capitalists, but a little more morality
+ was wanted in some of the branches in regard to the paying of accounts.
+
+This, of course, is most lamentable. Even a Social Democrat, it seems,
+cannot alter hard facts or get on without money. And at present
+nobody seems in want of the particular kind of justice which Messrs.
+QUELCH, BELCHER and other comrades are anxious to
+purvey.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I like to rescue from the dark unfathomed caves of ocean any gem
+of purest ray serene. Here is one extracted from the speech of Mr.
+POWELL WILLIAMS, M.P., at the recent dinner of the Birmingham
+Conservative Club.
+
+ Mr. POWELL WILLIAMS, M.P., proposed "The Press," and said
+ that before he spoke of the Press he would like to correct a statement
+ which Sir MEYSEY THOMPSON made. That gentleman thought that
+ Yorkshire was peculiar, inasmuch as it had got rid of something
+ objectionable in the shape of fever called Shaw-Lefevre. He put in a
+ claim for distinction for the county of Cornwall. In Cornwall they
+ would tell you that they had got rid of the worst kind of beer that
+ anyone ever tasted, and that they called Conybeare.
+
+Later on Mr. WILLIAMS said that, although the Gladstonian
+Press was more numerous than the Unionist Press, it had not been able
+to persuade the nation to swallow eighty Irish members--which is,
+perhaps, fortunate; since, to take only one, I am sure Mr. TIM
+HEALY would prove a very tough morsel to digest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+And here is a rose that, but for me, might have blushed unseen in the
+report of the proceedings of the South Dublin Union:--
+
+ Mr. LENEHAN moved, in accordance with notice--"That the
+ pauper inmate nurses be removed from the male and female Roman
+ Catholic hospitals, and also from the Protestant male and female
+ hospitals, and trained nurses engaged to look after the sick poor."
+ During the course of a lengthened address, delivered in a remarkably
+ loud voice, he urged that the present system of nursing was bad, that
+ militiamen were employed for the purpose, and that reliance could not
+ be placed on the paupers at present engaged in the hospitals. He said
+ that there were at present 184 inmates employed in nursing, and he
+ proposed to put a trained nurse in each ward, that would be 43, and
+ two nurses in each hospital, that would be 8, or 51 in all. These 51
+ nurses, at £30 a year, or 11_s._ 6_d._, would be a little over £29
+ (_laughter_), or a saving of some shillings (_laughter_).
+
+ Mr. SYKES.--What in the world is the meaning of that
+ calculation?
+
+ Mr. LENEHAN repeated his statement amidst great laughter.
+
+ Mr. O'REILLY said he would second the motion for the sake of
+ discussion, as Mr. LENEHAN complained that his resolutions
+ were never seconded.
+
+ Mr. BYRNE was surprised that Mr. O'REILLY had
+ seconded the resolution, for Mr. O'REILLY was a sensible
+ man----
+
+ Mr. LENEHAN.--I deny that (_laughter_).
+
+ Mr. BYRNE said it was all braggadocio, and a desire to obtain
+ notoriety, that made Mr. LENEHAN bring this forward.
+
+After this no one will be surprised to hear that Mr. LENEHAN
+withdrew his motion. It must be a terrible thing to be accused of
+braggadocio and a desire to obtain notoriety.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+And finally here is an estimate of Mr. BALFOUR from a
+correspondent of the Birmingham _Daily Gazette:_--
+
+ THE UNIONIST MAJORITY.--_To the Editor of the "Daily
+ Gazette."_--SIR,--Among the many causes assigned for the
+ above, no one, so far as I know, has suggested the following one. Is
+ it too much to hope that the statesmanlike character of Mr. A. J.
+ BALFOUR has influenced greatly the country at large? His simple
+ dignity, both in majority and minority, his pluck and energy as Irish
+ Secretary, are still remembered. The _Spectator_ publishes an article
+ on "Mr. Balfour's Benignity," and at the reception given to the
+ Medical Association at the Imperial Institute he and his sister were
+ received with deafening cheers. Lastly, we shall hear nothing from
+ himself. Surely all parties recognize and admire such a statesman, and
+ willingly confide in his future.--AN OUTSIDER.
+
+But why are we to hear nothing from Mr. BALFOUR himself. As
+one who likes good speaking on either side of the House, I hope we may
+hear a great deal from Mr. BALFOUR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There have been great doings at Cirencester. At a _fête_ (and gala)
+in Earl BATHURST'S park, the chief attraction was the
+announcement of a captive balloon, which was expected to make trips
+during the afternoon. Unfortunately, however, the gas-main in the
+Tetbury Road, where the balloon was filled, was not so large as was
+desirable, and the result was that the balloon was not filled till
+after five o'clock. It was then taken to the scene of the _fête_ at
+Pope's Seat, where every effort was made to make up for lost time.
+The Hon. B. BATHURST, M.P., the newly elected member for
+the division, made a short speech from the balloon, being received
+with loud cheers. The "right away" ascent was afterwards abandoned.
+The evening, which proved fine, closed with an excellent display of
+fireworks by Professor WELLS.
+
+  If a captive balloon should refuse to inflate,
+    And should linger too long flopping loose on the grass,
+  Just insert an M.P. in the car to orate,
+    And you'll promptly secure an abundance of gas.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO TRICKASTA.
+
+  A note of pain was sounded when you said
+    That we had better never meet again.
+  My nerves were shattered and my heart was lead--
+                           A note of pain.
+
+  Far other had it been when down the lane
+    You graciously inclined your pretty head
+  To listen to me. Yes, I was insane
+    Enough to hope that one day we might wed,
+  Until your double-dyed deceit grew plain.
+    I like to think my letter was, when read,
+                           A note of pain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SITTING ROOM ONLY."--The election of Sir L. LYELL
+for Orkney and Shetland on Saturday last brought the General Election
+to a conclusion. By this final result the House became quite full, if
+not quite FULLERTON.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol.
+109, August 17, 1895, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44836 ***