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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44760 ***
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+Volume 108, May 11th, 1895.
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+
+
+
+"BRAINS FOR CASH."
+
+    ["The unbridled greediness of some authors."--MR. GOSSE.]
+
+_Publisher_ (_nervously_). And what will your terms be for a short
+story, in your best style?
+
+_Author_ (_loftily_). I have only one style, and that is perfection. I
+couldn't think of charging less than fifty guineas a page.
+
+_Publisher_ (_aghast_). Fifty guineas a page! But are you aware that
+Lord MACAULAY got only ten thousand for the whole of his history, and
+that MILTON----
+
+_Author_ (_rudely_). Hang MACAULAY and MILTON! Surely you would
+not compare those second-rate writers with _myself!_ If _they_ were
+content to work for starvation wages, I am not.
+
+_Publisher_. But, say your story runs to twenty pages, as it probably
+will, I shall have to pay you for that one short tale the really
+ridiculous sum of a thousand pounds!
+
+_Author_ (_coolly_). Yes, it is rather ridiculous--ridiculously small,
+I mean. Still, out of regard to your pocket, I am willing to accept
+that inadequate remuneration. Is it a bargain?
+
+_Publisher_ (_with a groan_). It must be. The public demands your
+work, and we have no option. But allow me to remark that your policy
+is----
+
+_Author_ (_gaily_). A Policy of Assurance, on which _you_ have to pay
+the premium. Ha, ha!
+
+A YEAR OR TWO LATER.
+
+AUTHOR (DEFERENTIALLY). I have a really capital idea for a work
+of fiction, on a subject which I believe to be quite original.
+What--ahem!--are you prepared to offer for the copyright?
+
+_Publisher._ Couldn't think of making an offer till we saw the work.
+It might turn out to be worth nothing at all.
+
+_Author._ Nothing at all! But you forget how my fame----
+
+_Publisher._ Disappeared when we were obliged to charge the public
+six shillings for a story of yours about the size of an average tract.
+Other writers have come to the front, you know. Still, if there's
+anything in your novel, when it's finished, we should, I daresay,
+be prepared to offer you a couple of guineas down, and a couple more
+when--say--a thousand copies had been sold. Is it a bargain?
+
+_Author_ (_sadly_). I suppose it must be! Yet I can hardly be said to
+be _paid_ for my work.
+
+_Publisher._ Perhaps not. But you can be said to be _paid out!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE FEMALE OSTRICH AT THE ZOO IS DEAD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STREETS OF LONDON.
+
+  The stately streets of London
+    Are always "up" in Spring,
+  To ordinary minds an ex-
+    traordinary thing.
+  Then cabs across strange ridges bound,
+    Or sink in holes, abused
+  With words resembling not, in sound,
+    Those Mrs. HEMANS used.
+
+  The miry streets of London,
+    Dotted with lamps by night;
+  What pitfalls where the dazzled eye
+    Sees doubly ruddy light!
+  For in the season, just in May,
+    When many meetings meet,
+  The jocund vestry starts away,
+    And closes all the street.
+
+  The shut-up streets of London!
+    How willingly one jumps
+  From where one's cab must stop, through pools
+    Of mud, in dancing pumps!
+  When thus one skips on miry ways
+    One's pride is much decreased,
+  Like _Mrs. Gilpin's_, for one's "chaise"
+    Is "three doors off" at least.
+
+  The free, fair streets of London!
+    Long, long, in vestry hall,
+  May heads of native thickness rise,
+    When April showers fall;
+  And green for ever be the men
+    Who spend the rates in May,
+  By stopping all the traffic then
+    In such a jocose way!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN BLOOM.--On Saturday last there was a letter in the _Daily
+Telegraph_ headed "Trees for Londoners." The lessee and manager of
+the Haymarket Theatre thinks that for Londoners two Trees are quite
+sufficient, _i.e._ his wife and himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DRINK QUESTION.
+
+_First Man._ What rot it is to keep this tax on beer!
+
+_Second Man._ Well, it's better than spirits, anyhow.
+
+_First Man._ Of course you say that as you've got those shares in that
+Distillery Company.
+
+_Second Man._ Well, you needn't talk, with your ALLSOPP Debentures.
+
+_First Man._ Come to that, personally I take no interest in beer. It's
+poison to me.
+
+_Second Man._ It's the finest drink in the world. I never touch
+spirits.
+
+_First Man._ They're much more wholesome. I wonder what the Government
+will do about Local Veto and Compensation. I suppose, as I'm a
+Liberal----
+
+_Second Man._ So am I. But I respect vested interests. Now, in theory,
+teetotalism, especially for the masses----
+
+_First Man._ Waiter, bring me a whiskey and soda.
+
+_Second Man._ And bring me a glass of bitter.
+
+_First Man._ As for WILFRID LAWSON, he's an utter----
+
+_Second Man._ Oh, WILFRID LAWSON! He's a downright----
+
+    [_They drink_--_not_ SIR WILFRID'S _health_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LOSS OF THE GALLERY.
+
+(_A Fragment from the Chronicles of St. Stephen's._)
+
+"But must I give up this comfortable furniture?" asked the poor
+person, looking at the venerable chairs, some of which were distinctly
+rickety.
+
+"You must, indeed," replied firmly, but still with a certain
+tenderness, the stern official.
+
+"But I can _nearly_ hear what they are saying," urged the fair
+petitioner.
+
+"I cannot help it."
+
+"And _all_ but see them," and once again she peered through the
+grille.
+
+"I am forced to obey my orders," returned the official. "You
+applauded. You clapped your hands--and you must retire."
+
+"And for that little burst of enthusiasm," almost wept the person,
+"I am to lose all this happiness! To be stopped from hearing an
+indistinct murmur, seeing a blurred picture, resting on rickety seats,
+and breathing a vitiated atmosphere! Am I to lose _all_ these comforts
+and pleasures and advantages?"
+
+"I am afraid so," was the answer. And then the official opened the
+door of the Ladies' Gallery of the House of Commons, and the person
+passed out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
+
+_Lord W-ls-l-y_ (_to Commander-in-Chief_). "IN SEPTEMBER I HAVE TO
+RETIRE FROM MY COMMAND."
+
+_Duke._ "DEAR ME! _I_ HAVEN'T!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
+
+  _Seniores priores?_ Rude Rads, and some Tories,
+    Would make that apply to mere manner of exit.
+  If the "Spirit of Eld" is in charge of our glories,
+        Why wantonly vex it?
+
+  That Spirit of Eld is the "note" of our era.
+    Grand old men--and women--at bossing are busy.
+  Youth? Stuff! Callow youth was indeed the chimera
+        Of dandyish DIZZY.
+
+  But that was when DIZZY, himself young--and curly--
+    Was VIVIAN GREY, not the Primrose Dames' darling.
+  The Great Earl himself did not dominate early.
+        Oh, out on such snarling!
+
+  Old ways, and old wines, and old warriors for ever!
+    (Or, if not for ever, a whacking big slice of it.)
+  Great SENEX from service 'twere folly to sever,
+        Whilst winning the price of it.
+
+  Retirement is not your true _militaire's_ virtue;
+    To "beat the retreat" irks us all, dukes or drummers.
+  Let Winter hold sway, then--it cannot much hurt you--
+        For--say _x_--more summers!
+
+  True HANNIBAL, GASTON DE FOIX, ALEXANDER,
+    NAPOLEON, DON JOHN, the GREAT CONDÉ, and CORTES
+  Were types of the true, adolescent commander,
+        And swayed ere their forties.
+
+  Still, they were god-loved and died young, like our SIDNEY,
+    But Genius is versatile, Nature is various;
+  All heroes are not of the same "kiddish" kidney,
+        Ask--say--BELISARIUS!
+
+  To grudge him his obolus ("screw" as _we_ name it)
+    Because he has drawn it a few years--say fifty--
+  If Rads had a conscience at all, Sir, would shame it!
+        But Rads are _so_--thrifty!
+
+  For fellows like WOLSELEY or ROBERTS, retirement
+    Is all very well; they've no call for to stop, Sir.
+  But oh! for an Army the master requirement
+        Is grey hairs--a-top, Sir!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FAMILIAR PHRASE EXPLAINED.
+
+_Robinson._ "WELL, OLD CHAP, HOW DID YOU SLEEP LAST NIGHT?"
+
+_Smith_ (_who had dined out_). "'LIKE A TOP.' AS SOON AS MY HEAD
+TOUCHED THE PILLOW, IT WENT ROUND AND ROUND!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NINETY YEAR!
+
+    ["In the retrospect of ninety years there is a pathetic
+    mixture of gratitude for ample opportunities, and humiliation
+    for insignificant performances."--_Dr. James Martineau, on his
+    Ninetieth Birthday._]
+
+AIR--THACKERAY'S "_Age of Wisdom_"
+
+  Ho! petty prattler of sparkling sin,
+    Paradox-monger, slave of the queer!
+  All your wish is a name to win,
+  To shook the dullards, to sack the tin,--
+    Wait till you come to Ninety Year!
+
+    Curled locks cover your shallow brains,
+  Twaddle and tinkle is all your cheer.
+  Sickly and sullied your amorous strains,
+    Pessimist praters of fancied pains,--
+  What do you think of _this_ Ninety Year?
+
+  Ninety times over let May-day pass
+    (If you should live, which you won't I fear),
+  Then you will know that you were but an ass,
+  Then you will shudder and moan, "Alas!
+    Would I had known it some Ninety Year!"
+
+  Pledge him round! He's a Man, I declare;
+    His heart is warm, though his hair be grey.
+  Modest, as though a record so fair,
+  A brain so big, and a soul so rare,
+    Were a mere matter of every day.
+
+  His eloquent lips the Truth have kissed,
+    His valiant eyes for the Right have shone.
+  Pray, and listen--'twere well you list--
+  Look not away lest the chance be missed,
+    Look on a Man, ere your chance be gone!
+
+  MARTINEAU lives, he's alive, he's here!
+    He loved, and married, seventy years' syne.
+  _Look_ at him, taintless of fraud or fear,
+  Alive and manful at Ninety Year,
+    And blush at your pitiful pessimist whine!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAMLET (_amended by Lord Farrar_).--"In my mind's eye, O ratio!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY.
+
+[Illustration: No. 436. The President and Mr. Marks, R.A., as seen at
+a long range.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 147. A Father's Cuss!]
+
+[Illustration: No. 39. Bray on the Thames. By T. Sidney Cooper, R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 321. "You should see us dance the Pole-ka!" By
+Arthur Wardle.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 91. Gloucestershire "Colts" at practice. New
+left-handed bowler promises well. By George Clausen, A.R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 195. All snuggled up! The President is compelled to
+economise space!]
+
+[Illustration: No. 503. "How long! how long!" Portrait of a blasé
+youth. Even his cane is jade-d! By John S. Sargent, A.R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 172. Couldn't 'e Padmore? By John S. Sargent,
+A.R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 277. The G. O. M. at Cannes. By T. Graham.]
+
+A. R. AT THE R. A.
+
+(_I.e., A Representative at the Royal Academy._)
+
+Anyone arriving at Burlington House so early as to be the first person
+to pay his money and take his choice, will probably look straight
+before him, and will feel somewhat confused at seeing in the distance,
+but exactly opposite him, a dignified figure wearing a chain of
+office, politely rising to receive the early visitor. "It can be no
+other than the President himself," will at once occur to the stranger
+within the gates; "and yet, did I not hear that he was abroad for
+the benefit of his health?" Then, just as he is about to bow his
+acknowledgments of the courtesy extended to him personally by the
+Chief Representative of Art in this country, he will notice seated, at
+the President's left hand, and staring at him, with a pen in his hand,
+ready either to take down the name of the visitor, or to make a sketch
+of him, a gentleman in whose lineaments anyone having the pleasure of
+being personally acquainted with Mr. STACY MARKS, R.A., would at once
+recognise those of that distinguished humourist in bird-painting. "Is
+there wisions about?" will the puzzled visitor quote to himself, and
+then boldly advancing, hat in hand, to be soon replaced on head,
+he will come face to face with the biggest picture in the Academy,
+covering almost the entire wall.
+
+The stately figure is not Sir FREDERIC LEIGHTON, P.R.A., who
+unfortunately has been compelled to go abroad for the benefit of his
+health--_prosit!_--nor is the seated figure Mr. S. MARKS; but the
+former is "_The Bürgermeister of Landsberg, Bavaria_," and the latter
+is his secretary, while the other figures, all likenesses, are
+"his Town Council" in solemn deliberative assembly. The picture,
+an admirable one, and, as will be pretty generally admitted, a
+masterpiece of the master's, is No. 436 in the book, the work of
+Meister HUBERT HERKOMER, R.A.
+
+But as this is in Gallery No. VI., and as it is not every one who will
+be privileged to see the picture as the early bird has seen it, and
+as some few others may, perhaps, see it during the season, this
+Representative retraces his steps from No. VI., and commences _de
+novo_ with No. 1.
+
+No. 17. "_Finan Haddie_," fresh as ever, caught by J. C. HOOK, R.A.
+Title, of course, should have been "_Finan Haddie Hook'd_."
+
+Sir JOHN MILLAIS' _St. Stephen_ (_not_ a parliamentary subject),
+showing that Good Sir JOHN'S hand has lost none of its cunning, is No.
+18; and after bowing politely to Mrs. JOHNSON-FERGUSON, and pausing
+before this charming picture by LUKE FILDES, R.A., to take a last Luke
+at her, you will pass on, please, to No. 25, "_The Fisherman and the
+Jin_," and will wonder why VAL. C. PRINSEP, R.A., spells the cordial
+spirit with a "J" instead of a "G." It is a spirited composition.
+
+No. 31. Mr. JOHN S. SARGENT, A., let "_Mrs. Ernest Hills_" go out of
+his studio in a hurry. She is evidently "to be finished in his next."
+
+No. 34. "_A Quiet Rehearsal._" Lady Amateur all alone, book in hand,
+to which she is not referring, trying to remember her part and say it
+off by heart. It is by W. B. RICHMOND, A. To quote a cigarette paper,
+this work may be fairly entitled "A Richmond Gem."
+
+No. 43. "_Evening._" By B. W. LEADER, A. Delightful. Artistic
+aspirants in this line cannot play a better game than that of "Follow
+my Leader."
+
+This Representative recognised "_Dr. Jameson, C.B._," by HERKOMER, at
+a glance. If you are asked by anyone to look at "_Hay Boat_" do not
+correct him and say "You mean _A_ Boat," or you will find yourself in
+the wrong boat, but admire HILDA MONTALBA'S painting, and pass on to
+OULESS, R.A.'s, excellent portrait of "_J. J. Aubertin_" (a compound
+name, whose first two syllables suggest delightful music while the
+last syllable means money); thence welcome our old friend FRITH, R.A.,
+who, in 67, [and a trifle over, eh?] shows us "_Mrs. Gresham and
+Her Little Daughter_." From the "little D.'s" expressive face may be
+gathered that she has just received a "Gresham Lecture." After noting
+No. 73 and 83 (the unhappily separated twins) together, you may look
+on No. 126. Two fierce animals deer-stalking in a wild mountainous
+region, painted by _Arthur Wardle_. Only from what coign of vantage
+did Mr. WARDLE, the artist, make this life-like sketch? However,
+he came out of the difficulty safe and sound, and we are as glad to
+welcome a "_Wardle_" as we should be to see his ancient associate
+"_Pickwick_," or a "_Weller_," in Burlington House.
+
+No. 139. Charming is Sir F. LEIGHTON'S "_Fair One with the Golden
+Locks_." To complete the picture the hairdresser should have been
+thrown in. She is _en peignoir_, and evidently awaiting his visit.
+This is the key to these locks.
+
+No. 242. Mr. ANDREW C. GOW, R.A., gives us BUONAPARTE riding on the
+sands with a party of officers, "1805." The Emperor is cantering ahead
+of the staff. Another title might be "_Going Nap at Boulogne_."
+
+No. 160. "_A Lion Tamer's Private Rehearsal._" But BRITON RIVIÈRE,
+R.A., calls it "_Ph[oe]bus Apollo_."
+
+No. 251. Queer incident in the life of a respectable middle-aged
+gentleman. Like _Mr. Pickwick_, he has mistaken his room in the hotel,
+and has gone to bed. Suddenly, lady, in brilliant diamond tiara,
+returns from ball, and finds him there. The noise she makes in opening
+the curtains awakes him. He starts up alarmed. "Hallo!" he cries, and
+for the moment the ballad of "_Margaret's Grim Ghosts_" recurs to
+his mind. His next thought is, "How fortunate I went to bed in my
+copper-coloured pyjamas, with a red cummerbund round me." Of course he
+apologised, and withdrew. What happened subsequently is not revealed
+by the artist who has so admirably depicted this effective scene, and
+whose name is Sir JOHN MILLAIS, Bart., R.A.
+
+No. 368. Excellent likeness, by Mr. _Arthur S. Cope_, of the
+well-known and popular parson ROGERS. _A Parsona Grata_. This
+typical old-fashioned English clergyman, who, in ordinary ministerial
+functions, would be the very last person to be associated with a
+"chasuble," will henceforth never be dissociated from a "COPE."
+
+No. 491. A picture by Mr. FRED ROE. If NELSON'S enemies had only
+known of this incident in his lifetime!! Here is our great naval hero,
+evidently "half seas over," being personally conducted through some
+by-streets of Portsmouth, on his way back to the _Victory_, in order
+to avoid the crowd. Rather a hard ROE, this.
+
+No. 767. Congratulations to T. B. KENNINGTON on his "_Alderman George
+Doughty, J.P._," or, as the name might be from the characteristic
+colouring, Alderman DEORGE GOUHTY, which is quite in keeping with the
+proverbial aldermanic tradition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITTLE MIXED.--In its account of the private view at the Royal
+Academy the _Daily News_ says:--"The Countess of MALMESBURY studied
+the sculpture in a harmonious costume of striped black and pink, and a
+picture hat trimmed with pink roses." This is presumably the result of
+the influence of Mr. HORSLEY. But isn't it going a little too far,
+at least to begin with? A piece of sculpture--say, a Venus--in a
+harmonious costume of striped black and pink might pass. But the
+addition of a picture hat trimmed with pink roses is surely fatal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NASTY ONE.
+
+_Disgusted Sculptor._ "SO YOU'VE GOT THE LINE IN TWO PLACES, HAVE YOU?
+HANG ME IF I DON'T GIVE UP ART, AND GO IN FOR PAINTING!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE BANQUET, SATURDAY, MAY 4.
+
+Chair of absent President ably filled by Sir JOHN MILLAIS, who,
+pluckily struggling against evidently painful hoarseness, made, in
+returning thanks, an exceptionally graceful, touching, and altogether
+memorable speech. Odd to note that, had Sir JOHN, speaking hoarsely,
+broken down, we should have heard his _remplaçant_ Horsley speaking.
+_The_ incident, however, which will mark this banquet as unique in
+Academical records, was Sir JOHN'S mistaking one Archbishop for the
+other, and, in consequence, pleasantly indicating by a polite bow to
+the prelate on his left, that he called upon _him_, the Archbishop
+of YORK, to reply for the visitors. "YORK, you're wanted," said, in
+effect, the genial Sir JOHN, utterly ignoring the presence of His
+Grace of CANTERBURY. Whereupon, CANTERBURY collapsed, while the
+Northern Primate, vainly attempting to dissemble his delight,
+professed his utter surprise, his total unpreparedness, and
+straightforth hastened to improve the occasion. But before fifty words
+had passed the jubilant Prelate's lips, Sir JOHN, having discovered
+his mistake, rose quickly in his stirrups, so to speak, and pulled up
+the impetuous YORK just then getting into his stride. Genially beaming
+on the slighted CANTERBURY, Sir JOHN called on "The Primate of All
+England" (a snub this for YORK) to return thanks. "One Archbishop very
+like another Archbishop," chuckled the unabashed Sir JOHN to himself,
+as he resumed his seat, "but quite forgot that YORK as Chaplain to
+Academy is 'His Grace _before_ dinner,' and CANTERBURY represents
+'Grace _after_ dinner.'" "'Twas ever thus," muttered YORK, moodily
+eyeing the last drop in his champagne-glass, as he mentally recalled
+ancient ecclesiastical quarrels between the two provinces, from which
+the Southern Prelate had issued victorious. CANTERBURY flattered,
+but, fluttered, lost his chance. His Royal Highness's speech brief,
+comprehensive, effective. Lord ROSEBERY entertaining. "The rest is
+silence," or better if it had been. No more at present. Good luck to
+the Academy Show of 1895.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: COLD COMFORT!
+
+_Aunt Phillida._ "THE LAST TIME I WENT TO A GROWN-UP FANCY BALL, I
+WENT AS A _WASP_. THAT WAS ONLY TEN YEARS AGO. I DON'T SUPPOSE I SHALL
+EVER AGAIN GO TO A FANCY BALL AS A _WASP!_"
+
+    [_Sighs deeply._
+
+_Mary._ "HARDLY AS A _WASP_, AUNT PHILLIDA. BUT YOU'D LOOK VERY
+SPLENDID AS A BUMBLE-BEE!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE UP-TO-DATE DUCKLINGS.
+
+(_A Fable._)
+
+A Duck that had lately succeeded in hatching a fine brood of
+ducklings, and was much concerned on the point of their polite
+education, took them down to the river one day in order to teach them
+to swim.
+
+"See, my dears!" she said when they were all got to the bank,
+addressing her brood in encouraging accents, "this is the way to do
+it," and so saying the old duck pushed off from the land, in evident
+expectation that her young ones would follow her.
+
+The Ducklings, however, instead of coming after their mother, remained
+on the bank, talking and laughing and whispering among themselves in
+a very knowing manner; until at last the old bird, provoked by their
+levity and wondering what ailed them, called out sharply to them
+from mid-stream to come into the water at once; upon which one of the
+Ducklings, who had evidently been constituted spokesman for the rest,
+made bold to address his mother in the following words.
+
+"You must be a simpleton indeed, Madam," said he, "to imagine that we
+are going to do anything so foolish as to endanger our lives in the
+reckless fashion in which you are now exposing yours; for though it
+may be true that in obedience to some unwritten law of nature (unknown
+at present to us) you are floating securely upon the surface of the
+stream, instead of sinking to the bottom of it, yet it by no means
+follows from thence that we should do the same thing, supposing we
+were so foolish as to follow your example. Rest assured, dear Madam,"
+continued the Duckling, "that so soon as we have sifted this matter
+to the bottom for ourselves, we shall act on the knowledge of it,
+according as our experience may suggest to us; but for the present, at
+any rate, we prefer to remain where we are."
+
+And so saying, the Duckling, accompanied by the rest of the brood,
+turned his back on his natural element, and returned forthwith to the
+poultry-yard.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PHILISTINE PÆAN;
+
+_Or, The Triumph of the Timid One._
+
+  At last! I see signs of a turn in the tide,
+    And O, I perceive it with infinite gratitude.
+  No more need I go with a crick in my side
+    In attempts to preserve a non-natural attitude.
+  _Something_ has changed in the season, _somewhere_;
+  I'm sure I can feel a cool whiff of fresh air!
+
+  Mental malaria worse than the _grippe_
+    Has asphyxiated my mind, or choke-damped it.
+  The plain honest truth has been strange to my lip;
+    I've shammed it, and fudged it, humbugged it and vamped it
+  Till I wasn't I, self-respect was all gone,
+  And I hadn't a taste that I dared call my own.
+
+  I do _not_ love horror. I do _not_ like muck;
+    And mystical muddle to me is abhorrent.
+  In Stygian shallows long time I have stuck,
+    Or, like a dead dog on a sewage-fouled torrent,
+  Have gone with the stream; but beyond the least doubt
+  I'm grateful--_so_ much--for a chance to creep out.
+
+  Egomania it seems then is _not_ the last word
+    Of latter-day wisdom! By Jove I _am_ glad!
+  I always _did_ feel it was highly absurd
+    To worship the maudlin, and aim at the mad;
+  And now, there's a chance for the decent again,
+  One may relish one's DICKENS, yet not seem insane!
+
+  The ghoulish-grotesque, and the grimy-obscure,
+    I _have_ tried to gloat on in poem and prose,
+  But oh! all the while there seemed something impure
+    In the _sniff_ of the thing that tormented my nose;
+  And as to High Art--well, to me it seemed _high_,
+  Like an over-hung hare--only food for the fly.
+
+  Yet _I_ didn't dare say that I felt it to be
+    Pseudo-sphinxian fudge, and sheer Belial bosh;
+  Or that after Art-babble at five o'clock tea,
+    I felt that the thing I most craved was--a wash;
+  Because in the view of the Mystical School,
+  That would just write you down a mere Philistine fool.
+
+  I am not _quite_ sure that I _quite_ understand
+    How they've suddenly found all our fads are degenerate;
+  Why MAETERLINCK, IBSEN, VERLAINE, SARAH GRAND,
+    TOLSTOI, GRANT ALLEN, ZOLA, are "lumped"--but, at any rate,
+  I know I'm relieved from one horrible bore,--
+  _I need not admire what I hate any more_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BIRMINGHAM BENEDICK.
+
+MR. J-S-PH CH-MB-RL-N (_as "Benedick"_). "DOTH NOT THE APPETITE
+CHANGE? A MAN LOVES THE MEAT IN HIS YOUTH THAT HE CANNOT ENDURE IN
+HIS AGE.... WHEN I SAID I WOULD DIE AN INDEPENDENT RADICAL, I DID NOT
+THINK I SHOULD LIVE TO BE ALLIED WITH A TORY PARTY."
+
+    _Much Ado About Nothing_, Act II., Sc. 3 (_slightly
+    "modified"_).
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DRURIOLANUS THE CHEF, OPENS THE OPERATIC PIE.
+
+  "WHEN THE PIE WAS OPEN
+  THE BIRDS BEGAN TO SING."
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLIND ALLEY-GORIES.
+
+BY DUNNO WÄHRIAR.
+
+(_Translated from the original Lappish by Mr. Punch's own Hyperborean
+Enthusiast._)
+
+NO. IV.--SIGNS AND WONDERS.
+
+I sat on the beach one forenoon in midsummer. A great number of people
+were doing much the same. The rhapsodists and orators, the blameless
+Ethiopians with their barbaric instruments of music, the itinerant
+magicians with their wands, the statuesque groups posed before the
+tripod of the photographer, the snow-white sea-chariots with crimson
+wheels, the bare-legged riders on antique steeds, made me fancy I was
+gazing at a scene of Southern Hellenic life. Why I know not--for it
+was not in the least like.
+
+Then I saw an enormous black hand stretch down over the fjord. I was
+not alarmed, for I am becoming accustomed to apparitions of this kind.
+
+It set weird signs and black marks upon the railings of the jetty, and
+on the white sides of the bathing machines, and on the sails of
+the fishing-boats, and when I turned about, the parade itself was
+plastered with tablets.
+
+And on all things had the New Lawgiver incised in letters of gold
+and azure and purple upon shining tables the new commandments:
+"Use Skäuerskjin's Soap!"; "Try Tommeliden Tonic!"; "Buy Boömpvig's
+Pills!"; "Ask for Baldersen's Hairwash!"
+
+And I heard the voice of the wild waves saying, as they lapped up over
+the cheap sandshoes and saturated paper bags full of gingerbread nuts:
+
+"This is the new moral law. That men should cherish the outside and
+insides of their bodies, and keep them clean, like precious vessels of
+brass and copper. Rather to let the picturesque perish than forget for
+a moment which is the best soap for the complexion, and which will not
+wash clothes. Never to see a ship spreading her canvas like a sea
+bird without associations of a Purifying Saline Draught or a Relishing
+Pickle. To ask and see that ye procure!"
+
+Then I looked into the heavens above me, and behold, high above the
+esplanade hung a hand, enormous as the one that had set its marks
+on everything below, but white, white; and it held a brush and wrote
+until the sky was full of signs, and they had form and colour, but not
+of this world, and those who ran could read them.
+
+And I bought a shell-box and a bath bun, and closed my eyes, and
+lay musing in an agony of soul. Suddenly I felt the pain snap,
+and something grow in me, and I saw in my soul's dawning the great
+half-opened shell of a strange oyster.
+
+And this oyster has its bed on my very heart, and it is _my_ salt
+tears that nourish it, and it grows _inside_, invisible to all but me.
+
+But I know that, when the oyster opens, I shall find within its shell,
+like a gleaming dove-coloured pearl, the great Panacea of the To Be;
+and, if you ask me to explain my meaning more fully, I reply that the
+bearings of this blind allegory lie in the application thereof, and
+that ye are a blow-fly brood of dull-witted hucksters.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FIRST STEP
+
+TOWARDS HISTRIONICS.--II.
+
+(_Under the guidance of Herr Goethemann._)
+
+_Questioner._ You were good enough to promise me at our next meeting a
+specimen of the Author-publisher's dramatic manner.
+
+_Answer._ With pleasure. I will read it to you.
+
+"_Afternoon. Two-pair suburban back. Upright piano. High-minded
+table._ HENRY (_dramatic author and host_) _under it, heavy with
+wine._ ROMEO (_his friend and Town Blood_) _communing with_ MARY ANN
+(_local ingénue_). ELIZA (_her sister and hostess_) _outside just
+now, making coffee. She will come in presently, and realise_ DRAMATIC
+MOMENT.
+
+_Mary Ann._ Get up, Henry, and give us a regular old rousing tune.
+
+_Henry_ (_huskily, emerging from retreat_). What shall it be?
+
+_Romeo._ Oh, anything. WAGNER for choice.
+
+    [_Gifted musician obliges with a pot pourri of 'Parsifal,'_
+    ROMEO _absently whistling the trombone part_.
+
+_Mary Ann._ Ripping! Now something classical. Let's have '_After the
+Ball_.' Come on, ROMEO, we'll waltz; push back the fire-place. (_They
+push back the fire-place;_ ROMEO _grasps_ MARY ANN, _and they revolve.
+He kisses her on the cheek_ L. C.) Well, I never did! For shame! I
+decline to dance with you. There!
+
+    [_Declines to dance with him._
+
+_Henry._ One for _you_, my buck! Cheer up, MARY ANN; _I_'ll give you a
+turn.
+
+    [_Pirouettes twice with her, humming suitable air._
+
+_Mary Ann_ (_rendered completely breathless_). It's not like real
+dancing when you only _hum!_
+
+_Henry._ Can't play and dance at same time, you know. Piano too
+stationary. So you must take ROMEO on again, or go without.
+
+_Eliza_ (_entering with coffee-tray and realising situation_). Well,
+I declare! Having high jinks while I was making the coffee. What
+dramatic irony!
+
+    [ROMEO _gallantly invites her to join the giddy throng. They
+    dance._
+
+_Eliza_ (_rendered completely breathless_). My soul! I'm in bad
+training!
+
+_Mary Ann_ (_having got her second wind_). Have a turn with _me_,
+ELIZA! ROMEO 's no good; he misses out every other bar.
+
+_Eliza._ Want my coffee. No wind left.
+
+    [HENRY _spontaneously sings a Lullaby of_ BRAHMS'. _Stops in
+    middle to see what they all think of it. They all think a lot
+    of it. Goes on singing. Only_ ELIZA _goes on thinking a lot of
+    it. Others talk quite loud_, ROMEO _being a Town Blood._ HENRY
+    _finishes, under conviction that they have no manners to speak
+    of. Mind wanders off to the leading lady in his new piece, and
+    he drops inadvertently into 'Daisy' waltz._ ELIZA _waits for
+    second wind._ ROMEO _grapples with_ MARY ANN, _the latter
+    reluctant. She is rapt away in mazy whirl, kicking feebly. He
+    again kisses her on the cheek, this time_ R. C.
+
+_Eliza._ Man! I saw you! It was a wanton act.
+
+_Henry_ (_casually_). Anything broken?
+
+_Eliza._ Oh, HENRY! He went and kissed my MARY ANN, my own sister!
+
+_Romeo_ (_with easy bravado_). A mere nothing, I assure you. She's so
+provoking, don't you know? Had to do it in self-defence.
+
+_Eliza._ It is contrary to established etiquette in _our_ circles.
+MARY ANN, how _could_ you?
+
+_Mary Ann._ I didn't. It was him. I shall scream another time.
+
+_Eliza._ Man, you will oblige me by treating my sister as you would
+your own.
+
+    [_Exit with crushing expression which leaves_ ROMEO _intact._
+
+_Mary Ann._ ELIZA talks rot. (_To_ ROMEO.) Not that you're not a
+beast, all the same.
+
+    [_Exit in two frames of mind._ HENRY _laughs and makes light
+    of osculation. The men converse. The plot becomes even more
+    intricate. The end is nigh._"
+
+    * * *
+
+_Question._ Do I miss the purpose of the Author-publisher?
+
+_Answer._ I should think it highly improbable.
+
+_Q._ But why did he write it?
+
+_A._ It is a "problem-play," and that, as I said, is the problem.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHEERING.--Liberal Party much encouraged by East Wicklow and East
+Leeds. "Wisdom from the East," they call it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.
+
+_Nervous Youth._ "WELL--ER--GOOD-BYE, MRS. THOMAS. AWFULLY GLAD I MET
+YOU! ER--SO GOOD OF YOU--SO MUCH PLEASANTER THAN RIDING ALONE!"
+
+    [_Shuts up._
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM CORINTO TO HERNE BAY.
+
+(_An Anglo-Nicaraguan Parallel._)
+
+The young Midshipman looked towards Corinto. The public buildings were
+still within range of the monster guns. The select army of one hundred
+and fifty had retired before the advance of the blue jackets and
+marines. All was tranquil, and, as he gazed upon the Nicaraguan
+capital, his eyes closed, and he dreamed a dream.
+
+He was once more in England. He was at the seaside. Here in front
+of him were bathing-machines. There, to his right, was a circulating
+library. He could see a clock-tower and a shortened pier. Then
+he laughed in his glee. He was at Herne Bay! Close to the Isle of
+Thanet--within sight of the Reculvers!
+
+He had scarcely realised his happiness, when he noticed on the ocean a
+flotilla. Three gigantic ironclads were approaching the tranquil town!
+
+"The Nicaraguan fleet!" he murmured in his sleep.
+
+It, alas! was too true! The Central American Admiral had sent an
+ultimatum. The news had run from one end of Herne Bay to the
+other that, unless the sum demanded were paid at once, the
+as-yet-unconquered watering-place would be "ploughed," as the Poet
+BUNN would have put it, "by the hoof of the ruthless invader."
+
+Then there was a hurried consultation. What could be done with that
+overpowering fleet? It was useless to defend the bathing-machines; the
+donkeys and their drivers were no match for heavy ordnance. What
+could the few coast-guardsmen do when threatened by five hundred
+Nicaraguans?
+
+"Herne Bay must surrender!" murmured the Midshipman in his sleep.
+"There is no help for it."
+
+And then came a strange sight. The search-lights of the Nicaraguan
+fleet played upon the sea front, and the little garrison of Herne
+Bay retired towards Birchington and Margate. The Band (lent from the
+Militia) marched away, followed by the heavy cavalry of the bathers,
+and the Uhlan-like donkeys of the sands. The representatives of the
+Navy (carrying their look-out telescopes) brought up the rear.
+
+Then, when all had gone, the sailors and marines of the Nicaraguan
+fleet landed. The British flag was hauled down, and replaced by the
+colours of the enemy.
+
+Herne Bay was conquered!
+
+At this point the Midshipman awoke with a start. He looked round, and
+sighed a great sigh of relief.
+
+"How fortunate it is that the English fleet have conquered Corinto
+and not the Nicaraguan fleet Herne Bay!" he cried in an ecstacy of
+patriotic fervour. Then he performed for hours the duties of his
+command. Towards the close of day he again casually glanced at Corinto
+and once more was involuntarily reminded of Herne Bay. And as he gazed
+upon the Central American town he came to the conclusion that it
+was about as formidable and about as well defended as the Kentish
+watering-place. And having arrived at this opinion he determined
+in his own mind that the taking of Corinto, as a feat of arms, was
+scarcely on a par with the Victory of Trafalgar.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A GRAND OLD MANNS.
+
+(_On his Seventieth Birthday._)
+
+  To MANNS of Crystal Palace fame,
+    _Punch_ sends his kindly greeting.
+  The ever keen, the never tame,
+    Time may he long be beating
+  (For Time it seems cannot beat him).
+    Time's darts may he resist all
+  With _bâton_ brisk and eyes un-dim.
+    Beneath that dome of Crystal--
+  For many a year! And decades hence
+    _Punch_ hopes it may befa' that
+  He'll shout, before that choir immense,
+    "A _Manns'_ a Man for a' that!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CLASSIC CANDIDATE.--Mr. HOMER in West Dorset is the Independent
+Farmers' Candidate. He is, of course, more than a positive "Home
+Ruler," being a comparative hopeful "HOMER Ruler." But surely the
+language of HOMER must be Greek to most of his hearers, even at
+Bridport, and in view of the _poluphoisboio thalasses_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RAD TO THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER.
+
+(_On the Humdrum Budget._)
+
+  Just "As you were"! Ingenious, fair,
+    And all that, I've no doubt;
+  But titled swells you do not scare,
+    Nor rich monopolists flout.
+  I tolerate where I would praise.
+    Reform _is_ a slow grower!
+  _My_ spirits, WILL, it will not raise,
+    To see _your_ spirits lower!
+  Free Breakfast Table? Graduation?--
+    Chances seem getting fewer:
+  Well WILL, my only consolation
+    Is this--you've "copped the brewer!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the title of his new book, "ANTHONY HOPE" has taken the Roman
+_prénom_ which evidently by right belonged to him. There is no comma,
+nor introduction of "by," and so straight off we read in golden
+letters on the back, "_A Man of Mark Anthony Hope_." O Brave MARK
+ANTHONY! His readers have great faith in HOPE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARLIAMENTARY.--The nearest approach to a dead-lock is a live (J. G.)
+WEIR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW GALLERY QUERIES.
+
+Is Mr. HITCHCOCK'S "_Flight into Egypt_" a view of Dartmoor? and what
+are all those blue flowers? Borage, blue currants, corn-flowers, "new
+broom," gorse dyed blue for this occasion only, or what? I have been
+offered all these random suggestions by distinguished critics, but
+they somehow don't seem convincing.
+
+Why are the competitors in the charming swimming-match between
+Mermaids and Tritons so remarkably _dry_ in the upper parts? I always
+get decidedly damp when I enter the sea, but these ladies take to
+it like ducks--"_Dux f[oe]mina facti_" (as said an ancient poet in
+anticipation)--and so I suppose the water rolls off their backs.
+
+Will "_Her First Offering_" of grass and daisies go far towards
+softening the heart of a statuette? Her sister, last year, had a much
+more tempting "_Gift for the Gods_," but there is no accounting for
+divinities' tastes.
+
+What does Mr. KPOFFNH--dear me, I can _not_ get his name right?--mean
+by "_Sous les Arbres?_" Is it a man or a statue, a spook or a symbol?
+Why does he wear a marble wig? Why does his brown hair show underneath
+it? Why has he got a wall eye? Why is he "under the trees?" Why is
+he at large at all? Why---- But there, I give it up! I don't believe
+there are any answers to these conundrums!
+
+How is it I've been looking at "_Kit_" for two whole minutes before
+realising that there's a Persian cat in the composition? But she's a
+real beauty, when you _do_ coax her out of this "puzzle picture."
+
+Why (this is no new query!) have Sir EDWARD BURNE-JONES' Luciferians
+and Sleeping Beauties and peeresses and children and brides one and
+all the same world-weary expression? Why do they, without exception,
+look as if they were off to a funeral, or had just seen themselves
+in the glass? Are there no other colours in the land but dull green,
+steel-blue, ink-purple, and brick-red? Why do I immediately want to
+commit suicide after studying these masterpieces? Why doesn't Psyche
+cheer up a bit, even though she _is_ going to be married? _She_ wasn't
+a _[Greek: nea gunê]_, I'm sure!
+
+Why does the dog in Mr. HOLMAN HUNT'S picture look as if it had
+softening of the brain? and why do I pass on hurriedly to the next
+picture?
+
+Will Miss REHAN'S left shoulder hold up her dress much longer, I
+wonder, in Mr. SARGENT'S portrait? I don't know, but I _have_ fears!
+
+Is the lady in Mrs. SWYNNERTON'S "_Sense of Sight_" preparing to
+catch a cricket ball, or cutting an acquaintance, or going to recite
+something? I _should_ like to know.
+
+Why couldn't some enterprising dentist supply the ladies in "_Echoes_"
+with false teeth, and why weren't they taken away quietly home,
+and not allowed to exhibit their other anatomical innovations? Echo
+answers to these and all my queries, "Why, indeed?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PROGNOSIS.
+
+"BY THE WAY, DOCTOR, THE 'NEW WOMAN,' DON'TCHERKNOW--WHAT'LL _SHE_ BE
+LIKE, WHEN SHE'S GROWN OLD?"
+
+"MY DEAR COLONEL, _SHE_'LL NEVER GROW OLD!"
+
+"GREAT SCOTT! YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY SHE'S GOING TO LAST FOR EVER!"
+
+"SHE WON'T EVEN LAST OUT THE CENTURY! SHE'S GOT EVERY MALADY UNDER THE
+SUN!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Chester Cup.
+
+    The _Rock Dove_ don't pooh-pooh,
+    A dove can make a _coup;_
+  The odds? You yet may nobble 'em.
+      'Tis four to one
+      'Gainst _Son of a Gun_,
+  But _Euclid_ is a problem.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, April 29._--When _Mr. Toots_, in agony of
+perturbed bashfulness, sat down on _Florence Dombey's_ best bonnet,
+he murmured, "Oh, it's of no consequence." SQUIRE OF MALWOOD does not
+resemble _Mr. Toots_ in any respect, not even that of bashfulness. But
+he has a way, when taking important move, of studiously investing it
+with appearance of "no consequence." Thus to-night, asking for lion's
+share of time for remaining portion of Session, he could hardly
+bring himself to uplift his voice: mumbled over phrases; coughed at
+conjunctions; half paralysed by prepositions; looked round with pained
+astonishment when Members behind cried, "Speak up!" Why should he
+trouble to speak up on so immaterial a matter? Still, to oblige, he
+would say all he wanted was to take for Government purposes, for rest
+of Session, all the time of House, save the inconvenient Wednesday
+afternoon sitting, and the inconsiderable Friday night.
+
+More marked this cultured mannerism when announcing immediate
+introduction of Bill prohibiting plural voting. This a genuine
+surprise. Not been talked of since House met. Nobody thinking of
+it. SQUIRE in almost whisper announced its introduction to-morrow.
+Astonished beyond measure at commotion created; the boisterous cheers
+of Liberals, the uneasy laughter of Opposition.
+
+"Most remarkable place this House of Commons," he said afterwards,
+gazing over my head into the infinite horizon, where shadowy figure
+of Local Veto Bill is visible to the eye of faith. "Always full of
+surprises even for old practitioners like you and me."
+
+PRINCE ARTHUR, much relishing this subtle humour, was himself in
+sprightliest mood. The whole business of Session, he protested, was an
+elaborate joke. If they were there to work, he would take off his coat
+and ding on with the best of them. But they were there to play.
+"Well, let us play," he said, holding out both hands with gesture of
+invitation to Treasury Bench.
+
+Proposal irresistible. House divided forthwith; SQUIRE'S motion
+carried by majority of 22; then, whilst half a dozen naval men talked
+water-tube boiler, PRINCE ARTHUR, SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, and picked
+company from either side went out behind SPEAKER'S Chair to play. Such
+larks! To see PRINCE ARTHUR take in a stride "the backs" given him by
+the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, with CAWMEL-BANNERMAN next; to see JOHN MORLEY
+seriously whipping a top; to watch BRYCE breathless behind the nimble
+hoop; to look on while EDWARD GREY, forgetful of China and Japan,
+thinking nothing of Nicaragua, played a game of marbles with HART
+DYKE; to see LOCKWOOD trying a spurt with DICK WEBSTER, the course
+being twice round the Division Lobby, ASQUITH, fresh from the
+Cab-arbitration, having handicapped them--to see this, and much else,
+was a spectacle wholesome for those engaged in it, interesting for the
+solitary spectator.
+
+_Business done._--Shipbuilding Vote in Navy Estimates agreed to.
+
+_Tuesday._--Odd thing that on this particular night, when Government
+bring in Bill prohibiting plurality of voting, BILL should bring in a
+Bill. His first and only Bill. Of course he might argue if we have one
+man one vote, one BILL one Bill is all right. Yes; but, as SARK with
+his keen mathematical instinct points out, this is a case of two
+Bills--BILL, the Member for Leek, and a Bill to empower magistrates
+to prohibit the sale of intoxicating liquors to persons previously
+convicted of drunkenness. That is obviously a plurality of Bills. But
+we are getting hopelessly mixed. The only man among us who sees clear
+is JOHN WILLIAM. Deep pathos in his voice as he says the time is near
+at hand when a tyrannical Government will attempt to enforce principle
+of "One Man One Drink."
+
+Cap'en TOMMY BOWLES had best of dreary evening. Mentioned yesterday,
+with tears from his honest blue eyes coursing down his rugged,
+weather-beaten cheek, fresh infamy on part of SQUIRE OF MALWOOD. Had
+announced on Thursday that, at Monday's sitting, Naval Works Loan
+Bill would be proceeded with. TOMMY accordingly clewed up, and ran for
+port; laying to for forty-eight hours, prepared speech on Naval Works.
+Now SQUIRE calmly announced that Shipbuilding Vote was to be taken.
+What was TOMMY to do with speech prepared on Naval Works Loans?
+
+[Illustration: Cap'en Tommy Bowles.]
+
+In despair yesterday; to-day bright idea struck him. SHAW-LEFEVRE had
+moved to introduce One Man One Vote Bill. Why shouldn't TOMMY, flying
+that flag, run in and deliver his speech on Naval Works? A bold
+experiment; only hope of success was that House, being in almost
+comatose state, wouldn't notice ruse if cleverly managed. Trust TOMMY
+for clever management. Holding sheaf of notes firmly in left hand,
+deftly turning them over with the hook that serves him for right hand,
+the old salt read his speech on Naval Works Loan Bill. Here and there,
+when he observed restless movement in any part of House, fired off
+phrase about "forty-shilling freeholder," "occupation votes," "rural
+constituencies," "re-distribution," "country going to the dogs,"
+"jerrymandering," and "right hon. gentleman opposite." Scheme worked
+admirably; speech reeled off, and SQUIRE OF MALWOOD'S knavish trick
+confounded.
+
+_Business done._--One Man One Vote Bill brought in.
+
+_Thursday._--House not to be moved to evidence of excitement even
+by prospect of Budget night. On such occasion in ordinary times
+attendance at prayer-time most encouraging to Chaplain. Begins to
+think that at last his ministrations are bearing fruit. This afternoon
+congregation not much above average. No rush for tickets for seats.
+When _Squire_ rose to open his statement, great gaps below Gangway on
+Ministerial side. The SQUIRE, recognising situation, refrained from
+heroics, content to deliver plain business speech. No exordium; no
+peroration; no flight into empyrean heights of eloquence as was the
+wont of Mr. G. Some sympathetic movement when SQUIRE, with momentarily
+increased briskness of manner, spoke of snap of cold weather in
+February, with its accompaniment of influenza, increased death-rate,
+and fuller flow of death duties into National coffers. The quality of
+this mercy was not quite unstrained. Not dropping, like the gentle dew
+from heaven, till February, increased death rates will not come into
+account till succeeding year. Still, there was rum. As thermometer
+fell rum went up with a rush.
+
+  Fifteen men on a dead man's chest.
+  High ho! and a bottle of rum.
+
+What with comforting the mourners, and imbibed as a preventive, rum
+brought a windfall of £100,000 into the Treasury.
+
+That was well in its way. But then there were those 75,000
+mean-spirited people who ought to have died last year, their estates
+paying tribute to CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER, and who positively insisted
+upon living. The long-trained fortitude of the SQUIRE nearly broke
+down when he mentioned this circumstance. Pretty to see how it also
+touched JOKIM. The wounds of riven friendship temporarily closed up;
+the rivalry of recent years forgotten in contemplation of these 75,000
+reckless, ruthless people, who, in defiance of law of average, didn't
+die in financial year ending March 31, 1895. The past CHANCELLOR OF
+EXCHEQUER and his successor in office mingled their tears. But for
+intervention of table they would probably have flung themselves into
+each other's arms and sobbed aloud.
+
+"Thus," said PRINCE ARTHUR, himself not unaffected by the scene, "doth
+one touch of nature make Chancellors of the Exchequer kin."
+
+_Business done._--Budget brought in.
+
+_Friday Night._--ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS submitted proposal to dock payment
+of £10,000 annuity to Duke of COBURG. Thinks H.R.H. might, in
+circumstances, get along nicely without it. SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE
+agrees. T. H. BOLTONPARTY, on the other hand, gravely differs. Folding
+his arms as was his wont on eve of Austerlitz, he regards ALPHEUS
+CLEOPHAS with awful frown. Imperial instincts naturally wounded. "No
+trifling with the personal revenues of our Royal cousins, whether at
+home or abroad," said T. H. BOLTONPARTY in the voice of thunder that
+once reverberated across the shivering chasms of the Alps.
+
+_Business done._--Proposal to cut off Duke of COBURG'S pension
+negatived by 193 votes against 72.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TWO WAYS OF DOING IT.
+
+FIRST WAY.
+
+_From the Representative of Her Britannic Majesty's Government to the
+---- Minister for Foreign Affairs._
+
+  _January_ 1, 18-0.
+
+I have the honour to inform your Excellency that I am instructed
+by the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs that Her Britannic
+Majesty's Government has reason to complain of the conduct of the
+Government of which your Excellency is the representative. I have the
+honour to say that it will be advisable for your Excellency to urge
+upon the Government of which your Excellency is the representative the
+necessity of inquiry into the matter as speedily as possible. I have
+further the honour to add that it will be gratifying to Her Britannic
+Majesty's Government if the Government of which your Excellency is
+a representative will give the matter to which I refer the earliest
+attention.
+
+_From the Representative, &c., to the ---- Minister, &c._
+
+  _January_ 1, 18-1.
+
+I have the honour to call the attention of your Excellency to the long
+and unsatisfactory correspondence that has passed during the last year
+between your Excellency as representing the Government of which you
+are the representative and the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs
+upon the matter of the despatch I had the honour to forward to your
+Excellency dated January 1, 18-0. I am directed to have the honour of
+requesting your Excellency to urge upon the Government of which your
+Excellency is a representative the necessity of a speedy settlement of
+the matter in dispute.
+
+_From the Representative, &c., to the ---- Minister, &c._
+
+  _January_ 1, 18-2.
+
+I have again the honour to call the attention of your Excellency to,
+&c. &c.
+
+    (_Rather longer than the foregoing one. Then follow two more
+    "from the same to the same" in 18-3 and 18-4. This is the
+    first way._)
+
+SECOND (AND SHORTER) WAY.
+
+_From British Admiral to ---- Minister._
+
+  _January_ 1, 18-5, 12 NOON.
+
+If you don't pay up within a quarter of an hour, I will bombard your
+capital, seize your country, and imprison the Government of which you
+are the representative.
+
+_From ---- Minister, &c., to British Admiral._
+
+  _January_ 1, 18-5, 12.10 P.M.
+
+Don't fire. Have sent money demanded by P.O.O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Predominant Partner.
+
+  'Tis to the "New National Party," 'tis clear,
+    That CHAMBERLAIN swears his affiance.
+  The Triple Alliance? Why, no, 'twould appear
+  The third, and predominant partner, is Beer,
+      So let's call it "The _Tipple_ Alliance."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.--To all, and especially to all travellers, on
+account of its portable size, the Baron begs to recommend a charming
+novelette written by GUY BOOTHABY, entitled _A Lost Endeavour_,
+published by DENT of Aldine House. When Mr. GUY BOOTHABY brings out
+another story equal to this, the Baron will be delighted to draw
+public attention to it by saying, "Here's another GUY--BOOTHABY."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN AWFUL MONSTER RECENTLY LET OUT IN A CHURCH!--A second-hand sermon
+with eight heads.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR THE LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.--"_Quantum snuff._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+108, May 11th, 1895, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44760 ***
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+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44760 ***</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page217" id="page217"></a>[pg 217]</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h1>PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.<br />
+
+<small>Volume 108,  <span class="sc">May 11th, 1895.</span></small><br />
+
+<span class="smaller"><i>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</i></span></h1>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"BRAINS FOR CASH."</h2>
+
+<p class="center">["The unbridled greediness of some
+authors."&mdash;<span class="sc">Mr. Gosse.</span>]</p>
+
+<p><i>Publisher</i> (<i>nervously</i>). And
+what will your terms be for a
+short story, in your best style?</p>
+
+<p><i>Author</i> (<i>loftily</i>). I have only
+one style, and that is perfection.
+I couldn't think of charging less
+than fifty guineas a page.</p>
+
+<p><i>Publisher</i> (<i>aghast</i>). Fifty
+guineas a page! But are you
+aware that Lord <span class="sc">Macaulay</span> got
+only ten thousand for the whole of
+his history, and that <span class="sc">Milton</span>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Author</i> (<i>rudely</i>). Hang <span class="sc">Macaulay</span>
+and <span class="sc">Milton</span>! Surely you
+would not compare those second-rate
+writers with <i>myself!</i> If
+<i>they</i> were content to work for
+starvation wages, I am not.</p>
+
+<p><i>Publisher</i>. But, say your story
+runs to twenty pages, as it probably
+will, I shall have to pay
+you for that one short tale the
+really ridiculous sum of a thousand
+pounds!</p>
+
+<p><i>Author</i> (<i>coolly</i>). Yes, it is rather
+ridiculous&mdash;ridiculously small, I
+mean. Still, out of regard to your
+pocket, I am willing to accept
+that inadequate remuneration. Is
+it a bargain?</p>
+
+<p><i>Publisher</i> (<i>with a groan</i>). It
+must be. The public demands
+your work, and we have no option.
+But allow me to remark that your
+policy is&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Author</i> (<i>gaily</i>). A Policy of Assurance,
+on which <i>you</i> have to pay
+the premium. Ha, ha!</p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">A Year Or Two Later.</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Author</span> (<span class="sc">deferentially</span>). I have
+a really capital idea for a work of
+fiction, on a subject which I believe
+to be quite original. What&mdash;ahem!&mdash;are
+you prepared to
+offer for the copyright?</p>
+
+<p><i>Publisher.</i> Couldn't think of
+making an offer till we saw the
+work. It might turn out to be
+worth nothing at all.</p>
+
+<p><i>Author.</i> Nothing at all! But
+you forget how my fame&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Publisher.</i> Disappeared when
+we were obliged to charge the
+public six shillings for a story of
+yours about the size of an average
+tract. Other writers have come
+to the front, you know. Still, if
+there's anything in your novel,
+when it's finished, we should, I
+daresay, be prepared to offer you
+a couple of guineas down, and a
+couple more when&mdash;say&mdash;a thousand
+copies had been sold. Is it
+a bargain?</p>
+
+<p><i>Author</i> (<i>sadly</i>). I suppose it
+must be! Yet I can hardly be
+said to be <i>paid</i> for my work.</p>
+
+<p><i>Publisher.</i> Perhaps not. But
+you can be said to be <i>paid out!</i></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 220px;"><a href="images/217-700.png"><img src="images/217-220.png" width="220" height="467" alt="'The Female Ostrich at the Zoo is dead.'" /></a>
+<p class="center">"<span class="sc">The Female Ostrich at the Zoo is dead.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3 class="sans">THE STREETS OF LONDON.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>The stately streets of London</p>
+<p class="i2">Are always "up" in Spring,</p>
+<p>To ordinary minds an ex-</p>
+<p class="i2">traordinary thing.</p>
+<p>Then cabs across strange ridges bound,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or sink in holes, abused</p>
+<p>With words resembling not, in sound,</p>
+<p class="i2">Those Mrs. <span class="sc">Hemans</span> used.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The miry streets of London,</p>
+<p class="i2">Dotted with lamps by night;</p>
+<p>What pitfalls where the dazzled eye</p>
+<p class="i2">Sees doubly ruddy light!</p>
+<p>For in the season, just in May,</p>
+<p class="i2">When many meetings meet,</p>
+<p>The jocund vestry starts away,</p>
+<p class="i2">And closes all the street.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The shut-up streets of London!</p>
+<p class="i2">How willingly one jumps</p>
+<p>From where one's cab must stop, through pools</p>
+<p class="i2">Of mud, in dancing pumps!</p>
+<p>When thus one skips on miry ways</p>
+<p class="i2">One's pride is much decreased,</p>
+<p>Like <i>Mrs. Gilpin's</i>, for one's "chaise"</p>
+<p class="i2">Is "three doors off" at least.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The free, fair streets of London!</p>
+<p class="i2">Long, long, in vestry hall,</p>
+<p>May heads of native thickness rise,</p>
+<p class="i2">When April showers fall;</p>
+<p>And green for ever be the men</p>
+<p class="i2">Who spend the rates in May,</p>
+<p>By stopping all the traffic then</p>
+<p class="i2">In such a jocose way!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">In Bloom.</span>&mdash;On Saturday last
+there was a letter in the <i>Daily
+Telegraph</i> headed "Trees for
+Londoners." The lessee and
+manager of the Haymarket
+Theatre thinks that for Londoners
+two Trees are quite sufficient,
+<i>i.e.</i> his wife and himself.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>THE DRINK QUESTION.</h2>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>First Man.</i> What rot it is to keep this tax on beer!</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>Second Man.</i> Well, it's better than spirits, anyhow.</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>First Man.</i> Of course you say that as you've got those shares in
+that Distillery Company.</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>Second Man.</i> Well, you needn't talk, with your <span class="sc">Allsopp</span>
+Debentures.</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>First Man.</i> Come to that, personally I take no interest in beer.
+It's poison to me.</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>Second Man.</i> It's the finest drink in the world. I never touch
+spirits.</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>First Man.</i> They're much more wholesome. I wonder what the
+Government will do about Local Veto and Compensation. I suppose,
+as I'm a Liberal&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>Second Man.</i> So am I. But I respect vested interests. Now, in
+theory, teetotalism, especially for the masses&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>First Man.</i> Waiter, bring me a whiskey and soda.</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>Second Man.</i> And bring me a glass of bitter.</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>First Man.</i> As for <span class="sc">Wilfrid Lawson</span>, he's an utter&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>Second Man.</i> Oh, <span class="sc">Wilfrid Lawson</span>! He's a downright&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="rindent1">[<i>They drink</i>&mdash;<i>not</i> <span class="sc">Sir Wilfrid's</span> <i>health</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>THE LOSS OF THE GALLERY.</h3>
+
+<p class="title1">(<i>A Fragment from the Chronicles of St. Stephen's.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>"But must I give up this comfortable furniture?" asked the
+poor person, looking at the venerable chairs, some of which were
+distinctly rickety.</p>
+
+<p>"You must, indeed," replied firmly, but still with a certain tenderness,
+the stern official.</p>
+
+<p>"But I can <i>nearly</i> hear what they are saying," urged the fair
+petitioner.</p>
+
+<p>"I cannot help it."</p>
+
+<p>"And <i>all</i> but see them," and once again she peered through the grille.</p>
+
+<p>"I am forced to obey my orders," returned the official. "You
+applauded. You clapped your hands&mdash;and you must retire."</p>
+
+<p>"And for that little burst of enthusiasm," almost wept the
+person, "I am to lose all this happiness! To be stopped from hearing
+an indistinct murmur, seeing a blurred picture, resting on rickety
+seats, and breathing a vitiated atmosphere! Am I to lose <i>all</i> these
+comforts and pleasures and advantages?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am afraid so," was the answer. And then the official opened
+the door of the Ladies' Gallery of the House of Commons, and the
+person passed out.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page218" id="page218"></a>[pg 218]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/218-1200.png"><img src="images/218-400.png" width="400" height="484" alt="ALL THE DIFFERENCE." /></a>
+<h2 class="sans">ALL THE DIFFERENCE.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Lord W-ls-l-y</i> (<i>to Commander-in-Chief</i>). "<span class="sc">In September I have to
+retire from my Command.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Duke.</i> "<span class="sc">Dear me! <i>I</i> haven't!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page219" id="page219"></a>[pg 219]</span></p>
+
+<h2>ALL THE DIFFERENCE.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem width27">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><i>Seniores priores?</i> Rude Rads, and some Tories,</p>
+<p class="i2">Would make that apply to mere manner of exit.</p>
+<p>If the "Spirit of Eld" is in charge of our glories,</p>
+<p class="i6">Why wantonly vex it?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>That Spirit of Eld is the "note" of our era.</p>
+<p class="i2">Grand old men&mdash;and women&mdash;at bossing are busy.</p>
+<p>Youth? Stuff! Callow youth was indeed the chimera</p>
+<p class="i6">Of dandyish <span class="sc">Dizzy</span>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But that was when <span class="sc">Dizzy</span>, himself young&mdash;and curly&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Was <span class="sc">Vivian Grey</span>, not the Primrose Dames' darling.</p>
+<p>The Great Earl himself did not dominate early.</p>
+<p class="i6">Oh, out on such snarling!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Old ways, and old wines, and old warriors for ever!</p>
+<p class="i2">(Or, if not for ever, a whacking big slice of it.)</p>
+<p>Great <span class="sc">Senex</span> from service 'twere folly to sever,</p>
+<p class="i6">Whilst winning the price of it.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Retirement is not your true <i>militaire's</i> virtue;</p>
+<p class="i2">To "beat the retreat" irks us all, dukes or drummers.</p>
+<p>Let Winter hold sway, then&mdash;it cannot much hurt you&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i6">For&mdash;say <i>x</i>&mdash;more summers!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>True <span class="sc">Hannibal</span>, <span class="sc">Gaston de Foix</span>, <span class="sc">Alexander</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2"><span class="sc">Napoleon</span>, <span class="sc">Don John</span>, the <span class="sc">Great Condé</span>, and <span class="sc">Cortes</span></p>
+<p>Were types of the true, adolescent commander,</p>
+<p class="i6">And swayed ere their forties.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Still, they were god-loved and died young, like our <span class="sc">Sidney</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">But Genius is versatile, Nature is various;</p>
+<p>All heroes are not of the same "kiddish" kidney,</p>
+<p class="i6">Ask&mdash;say&mdash;<span class="sc">Belisarius</span>!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>To grudge him his obolus ("screw" as <i>we</i> name it)</p>
+<p class="i2">Because he has drawn it a few years&mdash;say fifty&mdash;</p>
+<p>If Rads had a conscience at all, Sir, would shame it!</p>
+<p class="i6">But Rads are <i>so</i>&mdash;thrifty!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>For fellows like <span class="sc">Wolseley</span> or <span class="sc">Roberts</span>, retirement</p>
+<p class="i2">Is all very well; they've no call for to stop, Sir.</p>
+<p>But oh! for an Army the master requirement</p>
+<p class="i6">Is grey hairs&mdash;a-top, Sir!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 380px;"><a href="images/219-900.png"><img src="images/219-300.png" width="300" height="471" alt="FAMILIAR PHRASE EXPLAINED." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">FAMILIAR PHRASE EXPLAINED.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Robinson.</i> "<span class="sc">Well, old Chap, how did you sleep last Night?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Smith</i> (<i>who had dined out</i>). "<span class="sc">'Like a Top.' As soon as my Head
+touched the
+Pillow, it went round and round!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>NINETY YEAR!</h3>
+
+<p class="ind2">["In the retrospect of ninety years there is a
+pathetic mixture of gratitude for ample opportunities,
+and humiliation for insignificant performances."&mdash;<i>Dr.
+James Martineau, on his
+Ninetieth Birthday.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="title1"><span class="sc">Air</span>&mdash;<span class="sc">Thackeray's</span> "<i>Age of Wisdom</i>"</p>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Ho! petty prattler of sparkling sin,</p>
+<p class="i2">Paradox-monger, slave of the queer!</p>
+<p>All your wish is a name to win,</p>
+<p>To shook the dullards, to sack the tin,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Wait till you come to Ninety Year!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Curled locks cover your shallow brains,</p>
+<p>Twaddle and tinkle is all your cheer.</p>
+<p>Sickly and sullied your amorous strains,</p>
+<p class="i2">Pessimist praters of fancied pains,&mdash;</p>
+<p>What do you think of <i>this</i> Ninety Year?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Ninety times over let May-day pass</p>
+<p class="i2">(If you should live, which you won't I fear),</p>
+<p>Then you will know that you were but an ass,</p>
+<p>Then you will shudder and moan, "Alas!</p>
+<p class="i2">Would I had known it some Ninety Year!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Pledge him round! He's a Man, I declare;</p>
+<p class="i2">His heart is warm, though his hair be grey.</p>
+<p>Modest, as though a record so fair,</p>
+<p>A brain so big, and a soul so rare,</p>
+<p class="i2">Were a mere matter of every day.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>His eloquent lips the Truth have kissed,</p>
+<p class="i2">His valiant eyes for the Right have shone.</p>
+<p>Pray, and listen&mdash;'twere well you list&mdash;</p>
+<p>Look not away lest the chance be missed,</p>
+<p class="i2">Look on a Man, ere your chance be gone!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p><span class="sc">Martineau</span> lives, he's alive, he's here!</p>
+<p class="i2">He loved, and married, seventy years' syne.</p>
+<p><i>Look</i> at him, taintless of fraud or fear,</p>
+<p>Alive and manful at Ninety Year,</p>
+<p class="i2">And blush at your pitiful pessimist whine!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Hamlet</span> (<i>amended by Lord Farrar</i>).&mdash;"In
+my mind's eye, O ratio!"</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page220" id="page220"></a>[pg 220]</span></p>
+
+<h2 class="sans">FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY.</h2>
+
+<table summary="Royal Academy" border="0">
+<tr>
+       <td colspan="2"><div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/220-a-1200.png"><img src="images/220-a-400.png" width="400" height="177" alt="No. 436. The President and Mr. Marks, R.A." /></a>
+<p>No. 436. The President and Mr. Marks, R.A., as seen at a long
+range.</p></div></td>
+
+       <td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 150px;"><a href="images/220-b-400.png"><img src="images/220-b-150.png" width="150" height="271" alt="No. 147. A Father's Cuss!" /></a>
+<p>No. 147. A Father's Cuss!</p></div></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 200px;"><a href="images/220-c-500.png"><img src="images/220-c-200.png" width="200" height="157" alt="No. 39. Bray on the Thames." /></a>
+<p>No. 39. Bray on the Thames. By T. Sidney Cooper, R.A.</p></div></td>
+       <td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 200px;"><a href="images/220-d-600.png"><img src="images/220-d-200.png" width="200" height="149" alt="No. 321. 'You should see us dance the Pole-ka!'" /></a>
+<p>No. 321. "You should see us dance the Pole-ka!" By Arthur Wardle.</p></div></td>
+       <td rowspan="2"><div class="figcenter" style="width: 160px;"><a href="images/220-g-320.png"><img src="images/220-g-160.png" width="160" height="430" alt="No. 503. 'How long! how long!'" /></a>
+<p>No. 503. "How long! how long!" Portrait of a blasé youth. Even his cane is jade-d! By John S. Sargent, A.R.A.</p></div></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 250px;"><a href="images/220-e-800.png"><img src="images/220-e-250.png" width="250" height="151" alt="No. 91. Gloucestershire 'Colts' at practice." /></a>
+<p>No. 91. Gloucestershire "Colts" at practice. New left-handed bowler promises well. By George Clausen, A.R.A.</p></div></td>
+       <td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 150px;"><a href="images/220-f-400.png"><img src="images/220-f-150.png" width="150" height="132" alt="No. 195. All snuggled up!" /></a>
+<p>No. 195. All snuggled up! The President is compelled to economise space!</p></div></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<h3 class="sans">A. R. AT THE R. A.</h3>
+
+<p class="title1">(<i>I.e., A Representative at the Royal Academy.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 150px;"><a href="images/220-h-320.png"><img src="images/220-h-150.png" width="150" height="365" alt="No. 172. Couldn't 'e Padmore?" /></a>
+<p>No. 172. Couldn't 'e Padmore? By John S. Sargent, A.R.A.</p></div>
+
+<p>Anyone arriving at Burlington House so early as to be the first person to pay
+his money and take his choice, will probably look straight before him, and will
+feel somewhat confused at seeing in the distance, but exactly opposite him, a
+dignified figure wearing a chain of office, politely rising to receive the early
+visitor. "It can be no other than the President himself," will at once occur to
+the stranger within the gates; "and yet, did I not hear that he was abroad for
+the benefit of his health?" Then, just as he is about to bow his acknowledgments
+of the courtesy extended to him personally by the Chief Representative
+of Art in this country, he will notice seated, at the President's left hand, and
+staring at him, with a pen in his hand, ready either to take down the name of
+the visitor, or to make a sketch of him, a gentleman in whose lineaments anyone
+having the pleasure of being personally acquainted with Mr. <span class="sc">Stacy
+Marks</span>,
+R.A., would at once recognise those of that distinguished humourist in
+bird-painting.
+"Is there wisions about?" will the puzzled visitor quote to himself,
+and then boldly advancing, hat in hand, to be soon replaced on head, he will
+come face to face with the biggest picture in the Academy, covering almost the
+entire wall.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 200px;"><a href="images/220-i-400.png"><img src="images/220-i-200.png" width="200" height="306" alt="No. 277. The G. O. M. at Cannes." /></a>
+<p>No. 277. The G. O. M. at Cannes. By T. Graham.</p></div>
+
+<p>The stately figure is not Sir <span class="sc">Frederic Leighton, P.R.A.</span>, who
+unfortunately has been compelled to go abroad for the benefit of his
+health&mdash;<i>prosit!</i>&mdash;nor is
+the seated figure Mr. <span class="sc">S. Marks</span>; but the former is "<i>The Bürgermeister of
+Landsberg, Bavaria</i>," and the latter is his secretary, while the other
+figures, all likenesses, are "his Town Council" in solemn deliberative assembly. The picture,
+an admirable one, and, as will be pretty generally admitted, a masterpiece of
+the master's, is No. 436 in the book, the work of Meister <span class="sc">Hubert Herkomer,
+R.A.</span></p>
+
+<p>But as this is in Gallery No. VI., and as it is not every one who will be
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page221" id="page221"></a>[pg 221]</span>
+privileged to see the picture as the early bird has seen it, and as
+some few others may, perhaps, see it during the season, this
+Representative retraces his steps from No. VI., and commences
+<i>de novo</i> with No. 1.</p>
+
+<p>No. 17. "<i>Finan Haddie</i>," fresh as ever, caught by <span class="sc">J. C. Hook,
+R.A.</span> Title, of course, should have been "<i>Finan Haddie Hook'd</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Sir <span class="sc">John Millais'</span> <i>St. Stephen</i> (<i>not</i> a parliamentary
+subject),
+showing that Good Sir <span class="sc">John's</span> hand has lost none of its cunning,
+is No. 18; and after bowing politely to Mrs. <span class="sc">Johnson-Ferguson</span>,
+and pausing before this charming picture by <span class="sc">Luke Fildes, R.A.</span>, to
+take a last Luke at her, you will pass on, please, to No. 25, "<i>The
+Fisherman and the Jin</i>," and will wonder why <span class="sc">Val. C. Prinsep, R.A.</span>,
+spells the cordial spirit with a "J" instead of a "G." It is a
+spirited composition.</p>
+
+<p>No. 31. Mr. <span class="sc">John S. Sargent, A.</span>, let "<i>Mrs. Ernest Hills</i>" go out
+of his studio in a hurry. She is evidently "to be finished in his next."</p>
+
+<p>No. 34. "<i>A Quiet Rehearsal.</i>" Lady Amateur all alone, book in
+hand, to which she is not referring, trying to remember her part and
+say it off by heart. It is by <span class="sc">W. B. Richmond, A.</span> To quote a cigarette
+paper, this work may be fairly entitled "A Richmond Gem."</p>
+
+<p>No. 43. "<i>Evening.</i>" By <span class="sc">B. W. Leader</span>, A. Delightful.
+Artistic aspirants in this line cannot play a better game than that of
+"Follow my Leader."</p>
+
+<p>This Representative recognised "<i>Dr. Jameson, C.B.</i>," by
+<span class="sc">Herkomer</span>, at a glance. If you are asked by anyone to look at
+"<i>Hay Boat</i>" do not correct him and say "You mean <i>A</i> Boat,"
+or you will find yourself in the wrong boat, but admire <span class="sc">Hilda
+Montalba's</span> painting, and pass on to <span class="sc">Ouless, R.A.</span>'s, excellent
+portrait of "<i>J. J. Aubertin</i>" (a compound name, whose first two
+syllables suggest delightful music while the last syllable means
+money); thence welcome our old friend <span class="sc">Frith, R.A.</span>, who, in 67, [and
+a trifle over, eh?] shows us "<i>Mrs. Gresham and Her Little Daughter</i>."
+From the "little D.'s" expressive face may be gathered that she
+has just received a "Gresham Lecture." After noting No. 73 and 83
+(the unhappily separated twins) together, you may look on No. 126.
+Two fierce animals deer-stalking in a wild mountainous region,
+painted by <i>Arthur Wardle</i>. Only from what coign of vantage did
+Mr. <span class="sc">Wardle</span>, the artist, make this life-like sketch? However, he
+came out of the difficulty safe and sound, and we are as glad to
+welcome a "<i>Wardle</i>" as we should be to see his ancient associate
+"<i>Pickwick</i>," or a "<i>Weller</i>," in Burlington House.</p>
+
+<p>No. 139. Charming is Sir F. <span class="sc">Leighton's</span> "<i>Fair One with the
+Golden Locks</i>." To complete the picture the hairdresser should have
+been thrown in. She is <i>en peignoir</i>, and evidently awaiting his visit.
+This is the key to these locks.</p>
+
+<p>No. 242. Mr. <span class="sc">Andrew C. Gow, R.A.</span>, gives us <span class="sc">Buonaparte</span> riding
+on the sands with a party of officers, "1805." The Emperor is cantering
+ahead of the staff. Another title might be "<i>Going Nap at Boulogne</i>."</p>
+
+<p>No. 160. "<i>A Lion Tamer's Private Rehearsal.</i>" But <span class="sc">Briton
+Rivière, R.A.</span>, calls it "<i>Ph&oelig;bus Apollo</i>."</p>
+
+<p>No. 251. Queer incident in the life of a respectable middle-aged
+gentleman. Like <i>Mr. Pickwick</i>, he has mistaken his room in the hotel,
+and has gone to bed. Suddenly, lady, in brilliant diamond tiara, returns
+from ball, and finds him there. The noise she makes in opening the
+curtains awakes him. He starts up alarmed. "Hallo!" he cries, and
+for the moment the ballad of "<i>Margaret's Grim Ghosts</i>" recurs to
+his mind. His next thought is, "How fortunate I went to bed in my
+copper-coloured pyjamas, with a red cummerbund round me." Of
+course he apologised, and withdrew. What happened subsequently
+is not revealed by the artist who has so admirably depicted this
+effective scene, and whose name is Sir <span class="sc">John Millais</span>, Bart., R.A.</p>
+
+<p>No. 368. Excellent likeness, by Mr. <i>Arthur S. Cope</i>, of the well-known
+and popular parson <span class="sc">Rogers</span>. <i>A Parsona Grata</i>. This
+typical old-fashioned English clergyman, who, in ordinary ministerial
+functions, would be the very last person to be associated with a
+"chasuble," will henceforth never be dissociated from a "<span class="sc">Cope</span>."</p>
+
+<p>No. 491. A picture by Mr. <span class="sc">Fred Roe</span>. If <span class="sc">Nelson's</span> enemies had
+only known of this incident in his lifetime!! Here is our great
+naval hero, evidently "half seas over," being personally conducted
+through some by-streets of Portsmouth, on his way back to the
+<i>Victory</i>, in order to avoid the crowd. Rather a hard <span class="sc">Roe</span>, this.</p>
+
+<p>No. 767. Congratulations to <span class="sc">T. B. Kennington</span> on his "<i>Alderman
+George Doughty, J.P.</i>," or, as the name might be from the characteristic
+colouring, Alderman <span class="sc">Deorge Gouhty</span>, which is quite in
+keeping with the proverbial aldermanic tradition.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">A Little Mixed.</span>&mdash;In its account of the private view at the Royal
+Academy the <i>Daily News</i> says:&mdash;"The Countess of <span class="sc">Malmesbury</span>
+studied the sculpture in a harmonious costume of striped black and
+pink, and a picture hat trimmed with pink roses." This is presumably
+the result of the influence of Mr. <span class="sc">Horsley</span>. But isn't it
+going a little too far, at least to begin with? A piece of sculpture&mdash;say,
+a Venus&mdash;in a harmonious costume of striped black and pink
+might pass. But the addition of a picture hat trimmed with pink
+roses is surely fatal.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 330px;"><a href="images/221-900.png"><img src="images/221-330.png" width="330" height="475" alt="A NASTY ONE." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">A NASTY ONE.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Disgusted Sculptor.</i> "<span class="sc">So you've got the Line in Two Places,
+have you? Hang me if I don't give up Art, and go in for
+Painting!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>AT THE BANQUET, SATURDAY, MAY 4.</h2>
+
+<p>Chair of absent President ably filled by Sir <span class="sc">John Millais</span>, who,
+pluckily struggling against evidently painful hoarseness, made, in
+returning thanks, an exceptionally graceful, touching, and altogether
+memorable speech. Odd to note that, had Sir <span class="sc">John</span>, speaking
+hoarsely, broken down, we should have heard his <i>remplaçant</i>
+Horsley speaking. <i>The</i> incident, however, which will mark this
+banquet as unique in Academical records, was Sir <span class="sc">John's</span> mistaking
+one Archbishop for the other, and, in consequence, pleasantly indicating
+by a polite bow to the prelate on his left, that he called upon
+<i>him</i>, the Archbishop of <span class="sc">York</span>, to reply for the visitors.
+"<span class="sc">York</span>,
+you're wanted," said, in effect, the genial Sir <span class="sc">John</span>, utterly ignoring
+the presence of His Grace of <span class="sc">Canterbury</span>. Whereupon, <span class="sc">Canterbury</span>
+collapsed, while the Northern Primate, vainly attempting to
+dissemble his delight, professed his utter surprise, his total unpreparedness,
+and straightforth hastened to improve the occasion. But
+before fifty words had passed the jubilant Prelate's lips, Sir <span class="sc">John</span>,
+having discovered his mistake, rose quickly in his stirrups, so to
+speak, and pulled up the impetuous <span class="sc">York</span> just then getting into his
+stride. Genially beaming on the slighted <span class="sc">Canterbury</span>, Sir <span class="sc">John</span>
+called on "The Primate of All England" (a snub this for <span class="sc">York</span>) to
+return thanks. "One Archbishop very like another Archbishop,"
+chuckled the unabashed Sir <span class="sc">John</span> to himself, as he resumed his seat,
+"but quite forgot that <span class="sc">York</span> as Chaplain to Academy is 'His Grace
+<i>before</i> dinner,' and <span class="sc">Canterbury</span> represents 'Grace <i>after</i>
+dinner.'"
+"'Twas ever thus," muttered <span class="sc">York</span>, moodily eyeing the last drop in
+his champagne-glass, as he mentally recalled ancient ecclesiastical
+quarrels between the two provinces, from which the Southern Prelate
+had issued victorious. <span class="sc">Canterbury</span> flattered, but, fluttered, lost
+his chance. His Royal Highness's speech brief, comprehensive,
+effective. Lord <span class="sc">Rosebery</span> entertaining. "The rest is silence," or
+better if it had been. No more at present. Good luck to the
+Academy Show of 1895.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page222" id="page222"></a>[pg 222]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/222-1500.png"><img src="images/222-600.png" width="600" height="383" alt="COLD COMFORT!" /></a>
+
+<h3 class="sans">COLD COMFORT!</h3>
+
+<p><i>Aunt Phillida.</i> "<span class="sc">The last time I went to a grown-up Fancy Ball, I went
+as a <i>Wasp</i>. That was only Ten Years ago.
+I don't suppose I shall ever again go to a Fancy Ball as a <i>Wasp!</i></span>"</p>
+
+<p class="rindent">[<i>Sighs deeply.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mary.</i> "<span class="sc">Hardly as a <i>Wasp</i>, Aunt Phillida. But you'd look very
+splendid as a Bumble-Bee!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>THE UP-TO-DATE DUCKLINGS.</h3>
+
+<p class="title1">(<i>A Fable.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>A Duck that had lately succeeded in hatching
+a fine brood of ducklings, and was much
+concerned on the point of their polite education,
+took them down to the river one day in
+order to teach them to swim.</p>
+
+<p>"See, my dears!" she said when they were
+all got to the bank, addressing her brood in
+encouraging accents, "this is the way to do
+it," and so saying the old duck pushed off
+from the land, in evident expectation that
+her young ones would follow her.</p>
+
+<p>The Ducklings, however, instead of coming
+after their mother, remained on the bank, talking
+and laughing and whispering among themselves
+in a very knowing manner; until at
+last the old bird, provoked by their levity and
+wondering what ailed them, called out sharply
+to them from mid-stream to come into the
+water at once; upon which one of the Ducklings,
+who had evidently been constituted
+spokesman for the rest, made bold to address
+his mother in the following words.</p>
+
+<p>"You must be a simpleton indeed, Madam,"
+said he, "to imagine that we are going to do
+anything so foolish as to endanger our lives in
+the reckless fashion in which you are now exposing
+yours; for though it may be true that
+in obedience to some unwritten law of nature
+(unknown at present to us) you are floating
+securely upon the surface of the stream, instead
+of sinking to the bottom of it, yet it by
+no means follows from thence that we should
+do the same thing, supposing we were so foolish
+as to follow your example. Rest assured, dear
+Madam," continued the Duckling, "that so
+soon as we have sifted this matter to the
+bottom for ourselves, we shall act on the knowledge
+of it, according as our experience may
+suggest to us; but for the present, at any rate,
+we prefer to remain where we are."</p>
+
+<p>And so saying, the Duckling, accompanied
+by the rest of the brood, turned his back on
+his natural element, and returned forthwith
+to the poultry-yard.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>A PHILISTINE PÆAN;</h3>
+
+<p class="title1"><i>Or, The Triumph of the Timid One.</i></p>
+
+<div class="poem width27">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>At last! I see signs of a turn in the tide,</p>
+<p class="i2">And O, I perceive it with infinite gratitude.</p>
+<p>No more need I go with a crick in my side</p>
+<p class="i2">In attempts to preserve a non-natural attitude.</p>
+<p><i>Something</i> has changed in the season, <i>somewhere</i>;</p>
+<p>I'm sure I can feel a cool whiff of fresh air!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Mental malaria worse than the <i>grippe</i></p>
+<p class="i2">Has asphyxiated my mind, or choke-damped it.</p>
+<p>The plain honest truth has been strange to my lip;</p>
+<p class="i2">I've shammed it, and fudged it, humbugged it and vamped it</p>
+<p>Till I wasn't I, self-respect was all gone,</p>
+<p>And I hadn't a taste that I dared call my own.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I do <i>not</i> love horror. I do <i>not</i> like muck;</p>
+<p class="i2">And mystical muddle to me is abhorrent.</p>
+<p>In Stygian shallows long time I have stuck,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or, like a dead dog on a sewage-fouled torrent,</p>
+<p>Have gone with the stream; but beyond the least doubt</p>
+<p>I'm grateful&mdash;<i>so</i> much&mdash;for a chance to creep out.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Egomania it seems then is <i>not</i> the last word</p>
+<p class="i2">Of latter-day wisdom! By Jove I <i>am</i> glad!</p>
+<p>I always <i>did</i> feel it was highly absurd</p>
+<p class="i2">To worship the maudlin, and aim at the mad;</p>
+<p>And now, there's a chance for the decent again,</p>
+<p>One may relish one's <span class="sc">Dickens</span>, yet not seem insane!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The ghoulish-grotesque, and the grimy-obscure,</p>
+<p class="i2">I <i>have</i> tried to gloat on in poem and prose,</p>
+<p>But oh! all the while there seemed something impure</p>
+<p class="i2">In the <i>sniff</i> of the thing that tormented my nose;</p>
+<p>And as to High Art&mdash;well, to me it seemed <i>high</i>,</p>
+<p>Like an over-hung hare&mdash;only food for the fly.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Yet <i>I</i> didn't dare say that I felt it to be</p>
+<p class="i2">Pseudo-sphinxian fudge, and sheer Belial bosh;</p>
+<p>Or that after Art-babble at five o'clock tea,</p>
+<p class="i2">I felt that the thing I most craved was&mdash;a wash;</p>
+<p>Because in the view of the Mystical School,</p>
+<p>That would just write you down a mere Philistine fool.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I am not <i>quite</i> sure that I <i>quite</i> understand</p>
+<p class="i2">How they've suddenly found all our fads are degenerate;</p>
+<p>Why <span class="sc">Maeterlinck</span>, <span class="sc">Ibsen</span>, <span class="sc">Verlaine</span>, <span class="sc">Sarah Grand</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2"><span class="sc">Tolstoi</span>, <span class="sc">Grant Allen</span>, <span class="sc">Zola</span>, are "lumped"&mdash;but, at any rate,</p>
+<p>I know I'm relieved from one horrible bore,&mdash;</p>
+<p><i>I need not admire what I hate any more</i>.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page223" id="page223"></a>[pg 223]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/223-1100.png"><img src="images/223-370.png" width="370" height="486" alt="THE BIRMINGHAM BENEDICK." /></a>
+<h2 class="big">THE BIRMINGHAM BENEDICK.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Mr. J-s-ph Ch-mb-rl-n</span> (<i>as "Benedick"</i>). "DOTH NOT THE APPETITE
+CHANGE? A MAN LOVES THE MEAT IN HIS YOUTH THAT HE CANNOT ENDURE IN HIS AGE.... WHEN I SAID I WOULD DIE AN
+INDEPENDENT RADICAL, I DID NOT THINK I SHOULD LIVE TO BE ALLIED WITH A TORY PARTY."</p>
+
+<p class="rindent"><i>Much Ado About Nothing</i>, Act II., Sc. 3 (<i>slightly "modified"</i>).</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page224" id="page224"></a>[pg 224]</span><br /></p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page225" id="page225"></a>[pg 225]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/225-1000.png"><img src="images/225-450.png" width="450" height="476" alt="DRURIOLANUS THE CHEF, OPENS THE OPERATIC PIE." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">DRURIOLANUS THE CHEF, OPENS THE OPERATIC PIE.</h3>
+
+<p class="title1b">"<span class="sc">When the Pie was open</span><br />
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<span class="sc">The Birds began to sing.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 class="sans">BLIND ALLEY-GORIES.</h2>
+
+<p class="title2"><span class="sc">By Dunno Währiar.</span></p>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Translated from the original Lappish by Mr. Punch's own
+Hyperborean Enthusiast.</i>)</p>
+
+<h3><span class="sc">No. IV.&mdash;Signs and Wonders.</span></h3>
+
+<p>I sat on the beach one forenoon in midsummer. A great number
+of people were doing much the same. The rhapsodists and orators,
+the blameless Ethiopians with their barbaric instruments of music,
+the itinerant magicians with their wands, the statuesque groups
+posed before the tripod of the photographer, the snow-white sea-chariots
+with crimson wheels, the bare-legged riders on antique
+steeds, made me fancy I was gazing at a scene of Southern Hellenic
+life. Why I know not&mdash;for it was not in the least like.</p>
+
+<p>Then I saw an enormous black hand stretch down over the fjord.
+I was not alarmed, for I am becoming accustomed to apparitions of
+this kind.</p>
+
+<p>It set weird signs and black marks upon the railings of the jetty,
+and on the white sides of the bathing machines, and on the sails of
+the fishing-boats, and when I turned about, the parade itself
+was plastered with tablets.</p>
+
+<p>And on all things had the New Lawgiver incised in letters of gold
+and azure and purple upon shining tables the new commandments:<br />
+"Use Skäuerskjin's Soap!"; "Try Tommeliden Tonic!"; "Buy
+Boömpvig's Pills!"; "Ask for Baldersen's Hairwash!"</p>
+
+<p>And I heard the voice of the wild waves saying, as they lapped up
+over the cheap sandshoes and saturated paper bags full of gingerbread
+nuts:</p>
+
+<p>"This is the new moral law. That men should cherish the outside
+and insides of their bodies, and keep them clean, like precious
+vessels of brass and copper. Rather to let the picturesque perish
+than forget for a moment which is the best soap for the complexion,
+and which will not wash clothes. Never to see a ship spreading her
+canvas like a sea bird without associations of a Purifying Saline
+Draught or a Relishing Pickle. To ask and see that ye procure!"</p>
+
+<p>Then I looked into the heavens above me, and behold, high above
+the esplanade hung a hand, enormous as the one that had set its
+marks on everything below, but white, white; and it held a brush
+and wrote until the sky was full of signs, and they had form and
+colour, but not of this world, and those who ran could read them.</p>
+
+<p>And I bought a shell-box and a bath bun, and closed my eyes, and
+lay musing in an agony of soul. Suddenly I felt the pain snap, and
+something grow in me, and I saw in my soul's dawning the great
+half-opened shell of a strange oyster.</p>
+
+<p>And this oyster has its bed on my very heart, and it is <i>my</i> salt
+tears that nourish it, and it grows <i>inside</i>, invisible to all but me.</p>
+
+<p>But I know that, when the oyster opens, I shall find within its
+shell, like a gleaming dove-coloured pearl, the great Panacea of the
+To Be; and, if you ask me to explain my meaning more fully, I
+reply that the bearings of this blind allegory lie in the application
+thereof, and that ye are a blow-fly brood of dull-witted hucksters.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 class="sq">A FIRST STEP<br />
+
+<small>TOWARDS HISTRIONICS.&mdash;II.</small></h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Under the guidance of Herr Goethemann.</i>)</p>
+
+<ul class="none">
+<li><i>Questioner.</i> You were good enough to promise me at our next
+meeting a specimen of the Author-publisher's dramatic manner.</li>
+
+<li><i>Answer.</i> With pleasure. I will read it to you.</li>
+</ul>
+
+<p>"<i>Afternoon. Two-pair suburban back. Upright piano. High-minded
+table.</i> <span class="sc">Henry</span> (<i>dramatic author and host</i>) <i>under it, heavy
+with wine.</i> <span class="sc">Romeo</span> (<i>his friend and Town Blood</i>) <i>communing
+with</i>
+<span class="sc">Mary Ann</span> (<i>local ingénue</i>). <span class="sc">Eliza</span> (<i>her sister and
+hostess</i>) <i>outside
+just now, making coffee. She will come in presently, and realise</i>
+<span class="sc">Dramatic Moment</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mary Ann.</i> Get up, Henry, and give us a regular old rousing
+tune.</p>
+
+<p><i>Henry</i> (<i>huskily, emerging from retreat</i>). What shall it be?</p>
+
+<p><i>Romeo.</i> Oh, anything. <span class="sc">Wagner</span> for choice.</p>
+
+<p class="rindent1">[<i>Gifted musician obliges with a pot pourri of 'Parsifal,'</i>
+<span class="sc">Romeo</span> <i>absently whistling the trombone part</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mary Ann.</i> Ripping! Now something classical. Let's have
+'<i>After the Ball</i>.' Come on, <span class="sc">Romeo</span>, we'll waltz; push back the
+fire-place. (<i>They push back the fire-place;</i> <span class="sc">Romeo</span> <i>grasps</i>
+<span class="sc">Mary
+Ann</span>, <i>and they revolve. He kisses her on the cheek</i> <span class="sc">l. c.</span>)
+Well, I
+never did! For shame! I decline to dance with you. There!</p>
+
+<p class="rindent1">[<i>Declines to dance with him.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Henry.</i> One for <i>you</i>, my buck! Cheer up, <span class="sc">Mary Ann</span>;
+<i>I</i>'ll give
+you a turn.</p>
+
+<p class="rindent1">[<i>Pirouettes twice with her, humming suitable air.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mary Ann</i> (<i>rendered completely breathless</i>). It's not like real
+dancing when you only <i>hum!</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Henry.</i> Can't play and dance at same time, you know. Piano too
+stationary. So you must take <span class="sc">Romeo</span> on again, or go without.</p>
+
+<p><i>Eliza</i> (<i>entering with coffee-tray and realising situation</i>). Well, I
+declare! Having high jinks while I was making the coffee. What
+dramatic irony!</p>
+
+<p class="rindent1">[<span class="sc">Romeo</span> <i>gallantly invites her to join the giddy throng. They
+dance.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Eliza</i> (<i>rendered completely breathless</i>). My soul! I'm in bad
+training!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mary Ann</i> (<i>having got her second wind</i>). Have a turn with <i>me</i>,
+<span class="sc">Eliza</span>! <span class="sc">Romeo</span> 's no good; he misses out every other bar.</p>
+
+<p><i>Eliza.</i> Want my coffee. No wind left.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<span class="sc">Henry</span> <i>spontaneously sings a Lullaby of</i> <span class="sc">Brahms'</span>. <i>Stops in
+middle to see what they all think of it. They all think
+a lot of it. Goes on singing. Only</i> <span class="sc">Eliza</span> <i>goes on thinking
+a lot of it. Others talk quite loud</i>, <span class="sc">Romeo</span> <i>being a Town
+Blood.</i> <span class="sc">Henry</span> <i>finishes, under conviction that they have no
+manners to speak of. Mind wanders off to the leading lady
+in his new piece, and he drops inadvertently into 'Daisy'
+waltz.</i> <span class="sc">Eliza</span> <i>waits for second wind.</i> <span class="sc">Romeo</span> <i>grapples with</i>
+<span class="sc">Mary Ann</span>, <i>the latter reluctant. She is rapt away in mazy
+whirl, kicking feebly. He again kisses her on the cheek,
+this time</i> <span class="sc">r. c.</span>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Eliza.</i> Man! I saw you! It was a wanton act.</p>
+
+<p><i>Henry</i> (<i>casually</i>). Anything broken?</p>
+
+<p><i>Eliza.</i> Oh, <span class="sc">Henry</span>! He went and kissed my <span class="sc">Mary Ann</span>, my
+own
+sister!</p>
+
+<p><i>Romeo</i> (<i>with easy bravado</i>). A mere nothing, I assure you. She's
+so provoking, don't you know? Had to do it in self-defence.</p>
+
+<p><i>Eliza.</i> It is contrary to established etiquette in <i>our</i> circles.
+<span class="sc">Mary
+Ann</span>, how <i>could</i> you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mary Ann.</i> I didn't. It was him. I shall scream another time.</p>
+
+<p><i>Eliza.</i> Man, you will oblige me by treating my sister as you would
+your own.</p>
+
+<p class="rindent1">[<i>Exit with crushing expression which leaves</i> <span class="sc">Romeo</span> <i>intact.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mary Ann.</i> <span class="sc">Eliza</span> talks rot. (<i>To</i> <span class="sc">Romeo</span>.) Not that
+you're not
+a beast, all the same.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<i>Exit in two frames of mind.</i> <span class="sc">Henry</span> <i>laughs and makes light of
+osculation. The men converse. The plot becomes even more
+intricate. The end is nigh.</i>"
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<ul class="none">
+<li><i>Question.</i> Do I miss the purpose of the Author-publisher?</li>
+
+<li><i>Answer.</i> I should think it highly improbable.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> But why did he write it?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> It is a "problem-play," and that, as I said, is the problem.</li>
+</ul>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Cheering.</span>&mdash;Liberal Party much encouraged by East Wicklow
+and East Leeds. "Wisdom from the East," they call it.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page226" id="page226"></a>[pg 226]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/226-1000.png"><img src="images/226-350.png" width="350" height="478" alt="A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Nervous Youth.</i> "<span class="sc">Well&mdash;er&mdash;good-bye, Mrs. Thomas. Awfully glad I met
+you! Er&mdash;so
+good of you&mdash;so much pleasanter than Riding alone!</span>"</p>
+
+<p class="rindent">[<i>Shuts up.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>FROM CORINTO TO HERNE BAY.</h2>
+
+<p class="title1">(<i>An Anglo-Nicaraguan Parallel.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>The young Midshipman looked towards
+Corinto. The public buildings were still
+within range of the monster guns. The select
+army of one hundred and fifty had retired
+before the advance of the blue jackets and
+marines. All was tranquil, and, as he gazed
+upon the Nicaraguan capital, his eyes closed,
+and he dreamed a dream.</p>
+
+<p>He was once more in England. He was at
+the seaside. Here in front of him were
+bathing-machines. There, to his right, was
+a circulating library. He could see a clock-tower
+and a shortened pier. Then he laughed
+in his glee. He was at Herne Bay! Close
+to the Isle of Thanet&mdash;within sight of the
+Reculvers!</p>
+
+<p>He had scarcely realised his happiness, when
+he noticed on the ocean a flotilla. Three
+gigantic ironclads were approaching the
+tranquil town!</p>
+
+<p>"The Nicaraguan fleet!" he murmured in
+his sleep.</p>
+
+<p>It, alas! was too true! The Central
+American Admiral had sent an ultimatum. The
+news had run from one end of Herne Bay to the
+other that, unless the sum demanded were
+paid at once, the as-yet-unconquered watering-place
+would be "ploughed," as the Poet
+<span class="sc">Bunn</span> would have put it, "by the hoof of the
+ruthless invader."</p>
+
+<p>Then there was a hurried consultation.
+What could be done with that overpowering
+fleet? It was useless to defend the bathing-machines;
+the donkeys and their drivers were
+no match for heavy ordnance. What could
+the few coast-guardsmen do when threatened
+by five hundred Nicaraguans?</p>
+
+<p>"Herne Bay must surrender!" murmured
+the Midshipman in his sleep. "There is no
+help for it."</p>
+
+<p>And then came a strange sight. The
+search-lights of the Nicaraguan fleet played
+upon the sea front, and the little garrison of
+Herne Bay retired towards Birchington and
+Margate. The Band (lent from the Militia)
+marched away, followed by the heavy cavalry
+of the bathers, and the Uhlan-like donkeys
+of the sands. The representatives of the Navy
+(carrying their look-out telescopes) brought
+up the rear.</p>
+
+<p>Then, when all had gone, the sailors and
+marines of the Nicaraguan fleet landed. The
+British flag was hauled down, and replaced
+by the colours of the enemy.</p>
+
+<p>Herne Bay was conquered!</p>
+
+<p>At this point the Midshipman awoke with
+a start. He looked round, and sighed a great
+sigh of relief.</p>
+
+<p>"How fortunate it is that the English fleet
+have conquered Corinto and not the Nicaraguan
+fleet Herne Bay!" he cried in an
+ecstacy of patriotic fervour. Then he performed
+for hours the duties of his command.
+Towards the close of day he again casually
+glanced at Corinto and once more was involuntarily
+reminded of Herne Bay. And as
+he gazed upon the Central American town he
+came to the conclusion that it was about as
+formidable and about as well defended as the
+Kentish watering-place. And having arrived
+at this opinion he determined in his own mind
+that the taking of Corinto, as a feat of arms,
+was scarcely on a par with the Victory of
+Trafalgar.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>TO A GRAND OLD MANNS.</h3>
+
+<p class="title1">(<i>On his Seventieth Birthday.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem width18">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>To <span class="sc">Manns</span> of Crystal Palace fame,</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>Punch</i> sends his kindly greeting.</p>
+<p>The ever keen, the never tame,</p>
+<p class="i2">Time may he long be beating</p>
+<p>(For Time it seems cannot beat him).</p>
+<p class="i2">Time's darts may he resist all</p>
+<p>With <i>bâton</i> brisk and eyes un-dim.</p>
+<p class="i2">Beneath that dome of Crystal&mdash;</p>
+<p>For many a year! And decades hence</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>Punch</i> hopes it may befa' that</p>
+<p>He'll shout, before that choir immense,</p>
+<p class="i2">"A <i>Manns'</i> a Man for a' that!"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">A Classic Candidate.</span>&mdash;Mr. <span class="sc">Homer</span> in
+West Dorset is the Independent Farmers'
+Candidate. He is, of course, more than a
+positive "Home Ruler," being a comparative
+hopeful "<span class="sc">Homer</span> Ruler." But surely the
+language of <span class="sc">Homer</span> must be Greek to most
+of his hearers, even at Bridport, and in view
+of the <i>poluphoisboio thalasses</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>THE RAD TO THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER.</h3>
+
+<p class="title1">(<i>On the Humdrum Budget.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem width18">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Just "As you were"! Ingenious, fair,</p>
+<p class="i2">And all that, I've no doubt;</p>
+<p>But titled swells you do not scare,</p>
+<p class="i2">Nor rich monopolists flout.</p>
+<p>I tolerate where I would praise.</p>
+<p class="i2">Reform <i>is</i> a slow grower!</p>
+<p><i>My</i> spirits, <span class="sc">Will</span>, it will not raise,</p>
+<p class="i2">To see <i>your</i> spirits lower!</p>
+<p>Free Breakfast Table? Graduation?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Chances seem getting fewer:</p>
+<p>Well <span class="sc">Will</span>, my only consolation</p>
+<p class="i2">Is this&mdash;you've "copped the brewer!"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind">In the title of his new book, "<span class="sc">Anthony
+Hope</span>" has taken the Roman <i>prénom</i> which
+evidently by right belonged to him. There is
+no comma, nor introduction of "by," and
+so straight off we read in golden letters
+on the back, "<i>A Man of Mark Anthony
+Hope</i>." O Brave <span class="sc">Mark Anthony</span>! His
+readers have great faith in <span class="sc">Hope</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Parliamentary.</span>&mdash;The nearest approach to
+a dead-lock is a live (J. G.) <span class="sc">Weir</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page227" id="page227"></a>[pg 227]</span></p>
+
+<h2>NEW GALLERY QUERIES.</h2>
+
+<p>Is Mr. <span class="sc">Hitchcock's</span> "<i>Flight
+into Egypt</i>" a view of Dartmoor?
+and what are all those blue
+flowers? Borage, blue currants,
+corn-flowers, "new broom," gorse
+dyed blue for this occasion only,
+or what? I have been offered all
+these random suggestions by distinguished
+critics, but they somehow
+don't seem convincing.</p>
+
+<p>Why are the competitors in the
+charming swimming-match between
+Mermaids and Tritons so
+remarkably <i>dry</i> in the upper
+parts? I always get decidedly
+damp when I enter the sea, but
+these ladies take to it like ducks&mdash;"<i>Dux
+f&oelig;mina facti</i>" (as said an
+ancient poet in anticipation)&mdash;and
+so I suppose the water rolls off
+their backs.</p>
+
+<p>Will "<i>Her First Offering</i>" of
+grass and daisies go far towards
+softening the heart of a statuette?
+Her sister, last year, had a much
+more tempting "<i>Gift for the
+Gods</i>," but there is no accounting
+for divinities' tastes.</p>
+
+<p>What does Mr. <span class="sc">Kpoffnh</span>&mdash;dear
+me, I can <i>not</i> get his name right?&mdash;mean
+by "<i>Sous les Arbres?</i>"
+Is it a man or a statue, a spook or
+a symbol? Why does he wear a
+marble wig? Why does his brown
+hair show underneath it? Why
+has he got a wall eye? Why is he
+"under the trees?" Why is he
+at large at all? Why&mdash;&mdash; But
+there, I give it up! I don't believe
+there are any answers to
+these conundrums!</p>
+
+<p>How is it I've been looking at
+"<i>Kit</i>" for two whole minutes
+before realising that there's a
+Persian cat in the composition? But
+she's a real beauty, when you <i>do</i>
+coax her out of this "puzzle
+picture."</p>
+
+<p>Why (this is no new query!)
+have Sir <span class="sc">Edward Burne-Jones'</span>
+Luciferians and Sleeping Beauties
+and peeresses and children and
+brides one and all the same world-weary
+expression? Why do they,
+without exception, look as if they
+were off to a funeral, or had just
+seen themselves in the glass? Are
+there no other colours in the land
+but dull green, steel-blue, ink-purple,
+and brick-red? Why do
+I immediately want to commit
+suicide after studying these masterpieces?
+Why doesn't Psyche
+cheer up a bit, even though she
+<i>is</i> going to be married? <i>She</i>
+wasn't a <ins title="Greek: nea gunê"><i>&nu;&#8051;&alpha; &gamma;&upsilon;&nu;&#8053;</i></ins>, I'm sure!</p>
+
+<p>Why does the dog in Mr. <span class="sc">Holman
+Hunt's</span> picture look as if it
+had softening of the brain? and
+why do I pass on hurriedly to the
+next picture?</p>
+
+<p>Will Miss <span class="sc">Rehan's</span> left shoulder
+hold up her dress much longer,
+I wonder, in Mr. <span class="sc">Sargent's</span> portrait?
+I don't know, but I <i>have</i>
+fears!</p>
+
+<p>Is the lady in Mrs. <span class="sc">Swynnerton's</span>
+"<i>Sense of Sight</i>" preparing
+to catch a cricket ball, or cutting
+an acquaintance, or going to recite
+something? I <i>should</i> like to
+know.</p>
+
+<p>Why couldn't some enterprising
+dentist supply the ladies in
+"<i>Echoes</i>" with false teeth, and
+why weren't they taken away
+quietly home, and not allowed to
+exhibit their other anatomical
+innovations? Echo answers to
+these and all my queries, "Why,
+indeed?"</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/227-900.png"><img src="images/227-340.png" width="340" height="468" alt="A PROGNOSIS." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">A PROGNOSIS.</h3>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">By the way, Doctor, the 'New Woman,' don'tcherknow&mdash;what'll
+<i>she</i> be like, when she's grown old?</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">My dear Colonel, <i>she</i>'ll never grow old!</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Great Scott! You don't mean to say she's going to last
+for ever!</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">She won't even last out the Century! She's got every
+Malady under the Sun!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>The Chester Cup.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem width18">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The <i>Rock Dove</i> don't pooh-pooh,</p>
+<p class="i2">A dove can make a <i>coup;</i></p>
+<p>The odds? You yet may nobble 'em.</p>
+<p class="i4">'Tis four to one</p>
+<p class="i4">'Gainst <i>Son of a Gun</i>,</p>
+<p>But <i>Euclid</i> is a problem.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 class="sans">ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p class="title1">EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</p>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, April 29.</i>&mdash;When <i>Mr. Toots</i>, in
+agony of perturbed bashfulness, sat down on <i>Florence Dombey's</i>
+best bonnet, he murmured, "Oh, it's of no consequence." <span class="sc">Squire
+of Malwood</span> does not resemble <i>Mr. Toots</i> in any respect, not even
+that of bashfulness. But he has a way, when taking important
+move, of studiously investing it with appearance of "no consequence."
+Thus to-night, asking for lion's share of time for remaining
+portion of Session, he could hardly bring himself to uplift
+his voice: mumbled over phrases; coughed at conjunctions; half
+paralysed by prepositions; looked round with pained astonishment
+when Members behind cried, "Speak up!" Why should he trouble
+to speak up on so immaterial a matter? Still, to oblige, he would
+say all he wanted was to take for Government purposes, for rest
+of Session, all the time of House, save the inconvenient Wednesday
+afternoon sitting, and the inconsiderable Friday night.</p>
+
+<p>More marked this cultured mannerism when announcing immediate
+introduction of Bill prohibiting plural voting. This a genuine
+surprise. Not been talked of since House met. Nobody thinking of
+it. <span class="sc">Squire</span> in almost whisper announced its introduction to-morrow.
+Astonished beyond measure at commotion created; the boisterous
+cheers of Liberals, the uneasy laughter of Opposition.</p>
+
+<p>"Most remarkable place this House of Commons," he said afterwards,
+gazing over my head into the infinite horizon, where shadowy
+figure of Local Veto Bill is visible to the eye of faith. "Always full
+of surprises even for old practitioners like you and me."</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span>, much relishing this subtle humour, was himself
+in sprightliest mood. The whole business of Session, he protested,
+was an elaborate joke. If they were there to work, he would take
+off his coat and ding on with the best of them. But they were there
+to play. "Well, let us play," he said, holding out both hands with
+gesture of invitation to Treasury Bench.</p>
+
+<p>Proposal irresistible. House divided forthwith; <span class="sc">Squire's</span> motion
+carried by majority of 22; then, whilst half a dozen naval
+men talked water-tube boiler, <span class="sc">Prince Arthur, Squire of Malwood</span>,
+and picked company from either side went out behind
+<span class="sc">Speaker's</span> Chair to play. Such larks! To see <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> take
+in a stride "the backs" given him by the <span class="sc">Squire of Malwood</span>,
+with <span class="sc">Cawmel-Bannerman</span> next; to see <span class="sc">John Morley</span> seriously
+whipping a top; to watch <span class="sc">Bryce</span> breathless behind the nimble
+hoop; to look on while <span class="sc">Edward Grey</span>, forgetful of China and
+Japan, thinking nothing of Nicaragua, played a game of marbles
+with <span class="sc">Hart Dyke</span>; to see <span class="sc">Lockwood</span> trying a spurt with <span class="sc">Dick
+Webster</span>, the course being twice round the Division Lobby,
+<span class="sc">Asquith</span>, fresh from the Cab-arbitration, having handicapped them&mdash;to
+see this, and much else, was a spectacle wholesome for those
+engaged in it, interesting for the solitary spectator.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Shipbuilding Vote in Navy Estimates agreed to.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Odd thing that on this particular night, when
+Government bring in Bill prohibiting plurality of voting, <span class="sc">Bill</span>
+should bring in a Bill. His first and only Bill. Of course he might
+argue if we have one man one vote, one <span class="sc">Bill</span> one Bill is all
+right. Yes; but, as <span class="sc">Sark</span> with his keen mathematical instinct
+points out, this is a case of two Bills&mdash;<span class="sc">Bill</span>, the Member for Leek,
+and a Bill to empower magistrates to prohibit the sale of intoxicating
+liquors to persons previously convicted of drunkenness. That is
+obviously a plurality of Bills. But we are getting hopelessly mixed.
+The only man among us who sees clear is <span class="sc">John William</span>. Deep
+pathos in his voice as he says the time is near at hand when a tyrannical
+Government will attempt to enforce principle of "One Man
+One Drink."</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 250px;"><a href="images/228-650.png"><img src="images/228-250.png" width="250" height="400" alt="Cap'en Tommy Bowles." /></a>
+<p class="center">Cap'en Tommy Bowles.</p></div>
+
+<p>Cap'en <span class="sc">Tommy Bowles</span> had best of dreary evening. Mentioned
+yesterday, with tears from his honest blue eyes coursing down his
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page228" id="page228"></a>[pg 228]</span>
+rugged, weather-beaten cheek, fresh infamy
+on part of <span class="sc">Squire of Malwood</span>. Had announced
+on Thursday that, at Monday's
+sitting, Naval Works Loan Bill would be
+proceeded with. <span class="sc">Tommy</span> accordingly clewed
+up, and ran for port; laying to for forty-eight
+hours, prepared speech on Naval Works.
+Now <span class="sc">Squire</span> calmly announced that Shipbuilding
+Vote was to be taken. What was
+<span class="sc">Tommy</span> to do with speech prepared on Naval
+Works Loans?</p>
+
+<p>In despair yesterday; to-day bright idea
+struck him. <span class="sc">Shaw-Lefevre</span> had moved to
+introduce One Man One Vote Bill. Why
+shouldn't <span class="sc">Tommy</span>, flying that flag, run in and
+deliver his speech on Naval Works? A bold
+experiment; only hope of success was that
+House, being in almost comatose state,
+wouldn't notice ruse if cleverly managed.
+Trust <span class="sc">Tommy</span> for clever management. Holding
+sheaf of notes firmly in left hand, deftly
+turning them over with the hook that serves
+him for right hand, the old salt read his
+speech on Naval Works Loan Bill. Here and
+there, when he observed restless movement in
+any part of House, fired off phrase about
+"forty-shilling freeholder," "occupation
+votes," "rural constituencies," "re-distribution,"
+"country going to the dogs,"
+"jerrymandering," and "right hon. gentleman
+opposite." Scheme worked admirably;
+speech reeled off, and <span class="sc">Squire of Malwood's</span>
+knavish trick confounded.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;One Man One Vote Bill
+brought in.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;House not to be moved to evidence of excitement even
+by prospect of Budget night. On such occasion in ordinary times
+attendance at prayer-time most encouraging to Chaplain. Begins to
+think that at last his ministrations are bearing fruit. This afternoon
+congregation not much above average. No rush for tickets for seats.
+When <i>Squire</i> rose to open his statement, great gaps below Gangway
+on Ministerial side. The <span class="sc">Squire</span>, recognising situation, refrained
+from heroics, content to deliver plain business speech. No exordium;
+no peroration; no flight into empyrean heights of eloquence as was
+the wont of Mr. G. Some sympathetic movement when <span class="sc">Squire</span>, with
+momentarily increased briskness of manner, spoke of snap of cold
+weather in February, with its accompaniment of influenza, increased
+death-rate, and fuller flow of death duties into
+National coffers. The quality of this mercy
+was not quite unstrained. Not dropping, like
+the gentle dew from heaven, till February, increased
+death rates will not come into account
+till succeeding year. Still, there was rum. As
+thermometer fell rum went up with a rush.</p>
+
+<div class="poem width18">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Fifteen men on a dead man's chest.</p>
+<p>High ho! and a bottle of rum.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>What with comforting the mourners, and
+imbibed as a preventive, rum brought a
+windfall of £100,000 into the Treasury.</p>
+
+<p>That was well in its way. But then there
+were those 75,000 mean-spirited people who
+ought to have died last year, their estates
+paying tribute to <span class="sc">Chancellor of Exchequer</span>,
+and who positively insisted upon living. The
+long-trained fortitude of the <span class="sc">Squire</span> nearly
+broke down when he mentioned this circumstance.
+Pretty to see how it also touched
+<span class="sc">Jokim</span>. The wounds of riven friendship temporarily
+closed up; the rivalry of recent years
+forgotten in contemplation of these 75,000
+reckless, ruthless people, who, in defiance of
+law of average, didn't die in financial year
+ending March 31, 1895. The past <span class="sc">Chancellor
+of Exchequer</span> and his successor in office
+mingled their tears. But for intervention of
+table they would probably have flung themselves
+into each other's arms and sobbed aloud.</p>
+
+<p>"Thus," said <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span>, himself not
+unaffected by the scene, "doth one touch of
+nature make Chancellors of the Exchequer
+kin."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Budget brought in.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday Night.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Alpheus Cleophas</span> submitted proposal to dock
+payment of £10,000 annuity to Duke of <span class="sc">Coburg</span>. Thinks H.R.H.
+might, in circumstances, get along nicely without it. <span class="sc">Sage Of
+Queen Anne's Gate</span> agrees. <span class="sc">T. H. Boltonparty</span>, on the other hand,
+gravely differs. Folding his arms as was his wont on eve of
+Austerlitz, he regards <span class="sc">Alpheus Cleophas</span> with awful frown.
+Imperial instincts naturally wounded. "No trifling with the personal
+revenues of our Royal cousins, whether at home or abroad,"
+said <span class="sc">T. H. Boltonparty</span> in the voice of thunder that once reverberated
+across the shivering chasms of the Alps.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Proposal to cut off Duke of <span class="sc">Coburg's</span> pension
+negatived by 193 votes against 72.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>TWO WAYS OF DOING IT.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="sc">First Way.</span></h3>
+
+<p class="center"><i>From the Representative of Her Britannic Majesty's Government to
+the &mdash;&mdash; Minister for Foreign Affairs.</i></p>
+
+<p class="rindent"><i>January 1, 18-0.</i></p>
+
+<p>I have the honour to inform your Excellency that I am instructed
+by the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs that Her Britannic
+Majesty's Government has reason to complain of the conduct of the
+Government of which your Excellency is the representative. I have
+the honour to say that it will be advisable for your Excellency to urge
+upon the Government of which your Excellency is the representative
+the necessity of inquiry into the matter as speedily as possible. I
+have further the honour to add that it will be gratifying to Her
+Britannic Majesty's Government if the Government of which your
+Excellency is a representative will give the matter to which I refer
+the earliest attention.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>From the Representative, &amp;c., to the &mdash;&mdash; Minister, &amp;c.</i></p>
+
+<p class="rindent"><i>January 1, 18-1.</i></p>
+
+<p>I have the honour to call the attention of your Excellency to the
+long and unsatisfactory correspondence that has passed during the
+last year between your Excellency as representing the Government
+of which you are the representative and the Secretary of State for
+Foreign Affairs upon the matter of the despatch I had the honour to
+forward to your Excellency dated January 1, 18-0. I am directed to
+have the honour of requesting your Excellency to urge upon the
+Government of which your Excellency is a representative the necessity
+of a speedy settlement of the matter in dispute.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>From the Representative, &amp;c., to the &mdash;&mdash; Minister, &amp;c.</i></p>
+
+<p class="rindent"><i>January 1, 18-2.</i></p>
+
+<p>I have again the honour to call the attention of your Excellency
+to, &amp;c. &amp;c.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+(<i>Rather longer than the foregoing one. Then follow two more
+"from the same to the same" in 18-3 and 18-4. This is the
+first way.</i>)
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<h3>SECOND (AND SHORTER) WAY.</h3>
+
+<p class="center"><i>From British Admiral to &mdash;&mdash; Minister.</i></p>
+
+<p class="rindent"><i>January 1, 18-5</i>, 12 <span class="sc">Noon</span>.</p>
+
+<p>If you don't pay up within a quarter of an hour, I will bombard
+your capital, seize your country, and imprison the Government of
+which you are the representative.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>From &mdash;&mdash; Minister, &amp;c., to British Admiral.</i></p>
+
+<p class="rindent"><i>January 1, 18-5</i>, 12.10 <span class="sc">P.M.</span></p>
+
+<p>Don't fire. Have sent money demanded by P.O.O.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>The Predominant Partner.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>'Tis to the "New National Party," 'tis clear,</p>
+<p class="i2">That <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span> swears his affiance.</p>
+<p>The Triple Alliance? Why, no, 'twould appear</p>
+<p>The third, and predominant partner, is Beer,</p>
+<p class="i4">So let's call it "The <i>Tipple</i> Alliance."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Our Booking-Office.</span>&mdash;To all, and especially to all travellers,
+on account of its portable size, the Baron begs to recommend a
+charming novelette written by <span class="sc">Guy Boothaby</span>, entitled <i>A Lost
+Endeavour</i>, published by <span class="sc">Dent</span> of Aldine House. When Mr. <span class="sc">Guy
+Boothaby</span> brings out another story equal to this, the Baron will be
+delighted to draw public attention to it by saying, "Here's another
+<span class="sc">Guy&mdash;Boothaby</span>."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">An awful Monster recently let out in a Church!</span>&mdash;A
+second-hand sermon with eight heads.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Motto for the Lord Chief Justice.</span>&mdash;"<i>Quantum snuff.</i>"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44760 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
+
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #44760 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/44760)
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108,
+May 11th, 1895, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, May 11th, 1895
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: January 26, 2014 [EBook #44760]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 108, MAY 11TH, 1895 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+Volume 108, May 11th, 1895.
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+
+
+
+"BRAINS FOR CASH."
+
+    ["The unbridled greediness of some authors."--MR. GOSSE.]
+
+_Publisher_ (_nervously_). And what will your terms be for a short
+story, in your best style?
+
+_Author_ (_loftily_). I have only one style, and that is perfection. I
+couldn't think of charging less than fifty guineas a page.
+
+_Publisher_ (_aghast_). Fifty guineas a page! But are you aware that
+Lord MACAULAY got only ten thousand for the whole of his history, and
+that MILTON----
+
+_Author_ (_rudely_). Hang MACAULAY and MILTON! Surely you would
+not compare those second-rate writers with _myself!_ If _they_ were
+content to work for starvation wages, I am not.
+
+_Publisher_. But, say your story runs to twenty pages, as it probably
+will, I shall have to pay you for that one short tale the really
+ridiculous sum of a thousand pounds!
+
+_Author_ (_coolly_). Yes, it is rather ridiculous--ridiculously small,
+I mean. Still, out of regard to your pocket, I am willing to accept
+that inadequate remuneration. Is it a bargain?
+
+_Publisher_ (_with a groan_). It must be. The public demands your
+work, and we have no option. But allow me to remark that your policy
+is----
+
+_Author_ (_gaily_). A Policy of Assurance, on which _you_ have to pay
+the premium. Ha, ha!
+
+A YEAR OR TWO LATER.
+
+AUTHOR (DEFERENTIALLY). I have a really capital idea for a work
+of fiction, on a subject which I believe to be quite original.
+What--ahem!--are you prepared to offer for the copyright?
+
+_Publisher._ Couldn't think of making an offer till we saw the work.
+It might turn out to be worth nothing at all.
+
+_Author._ Nothing at all! But you forget how my fame----
+
+_Publisher._ Disappeared when we were obliged to charge the public
+six shillings for a story of yours about the size of an average tract.
+Other writers have come to the front, you know. Still, if there's
+anything in your novel, when it's finished, we should, I daresay,
+be prepared to offer you a couple of guineas down, and a couple more
+when--say--a thousand copies had been sold. Is it a bargain?
+
+_Author_ (_sadly_). I suppose it must be! Yet I can hardly be said to
+be _paid_ for my work.
+
+_Publisher._ Perhaps not. But you can be said to be _paid out!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE FEMALE OSTRICH AT THE ZOO IS DEAD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STREETS OF LONDON.
+
+  The stately streets of London
+    Are always "up" in Spring,
+  To ordinary minds an ex-
+    traordinary thing.
+  Then cabs across strange ridges bound,
+    Or sink in holes, abused
+  With words resembling not, in sound,
+    Those Mrs. HEMANS used.
+
+  The miry streets of London,
+    Dotted with lamps by night;
+  What pitfalls where the dazzled eye
+    Sees doubly ruddy light!
+  For in the season, just in May,
+    When many meetings meet,
+  The jocund vestry starts away,
+    And closes all the street.
+
+  The shut-up streets of London!
+    How willingly one jumps
+  From where one's cab must stop, through pools
+    Of mud, in dancing pumps!
+  When thus one skips on miry ways
+    One's pride is much decreased,
+  Like _Mrs. Gilpin's_, for one's "chaise"
+    Is "three doors off" at least.
+
+  The free, fair streets of London!
+    Long, long, in vestry hall,
+  May heads of native thickness rise,
+    When April showers fall;
+  And green for ever be the men
+    Who spend the rates in May,
+  By stopping all the traffic then
+    In such a jocose way!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN BLOOM.--On Saturday last there was a letter in the _Daily
+Telegraph_ headed "Trees for Londoners." The lessee and manager of
+the Haymarket Theatre thinks that for Londoners two Trees are quite
+sufficient, _i.e._ his wife and himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DRINK QUESTION.
+
+_First Man._ What rot it is to keep this tax on beer!
+
+_Second Man._ Well, it's better than spirits, anyhow.
+
+_First Man._ Of course you say that as you've got those shares in that
+Distillery Company.
+
+_Second Man._ Well, you needn't talk, with your ALLSOPP Debentures.
+
+_First Man._ Come to that, personally I take no interest in beer. It's
+poison to me.
+
+_Second Man._ It's the finest drink in the world. I never touch
+spirits.
+
+_First Man._ They're much more wholesome. I wonder what the Government
+will do about Local Veto and Compensation. I suppose, as I'm a
+Liberal----
+
+_Second Man._ So am I. But I respect vested interests. Now, in theory,
+teetotalism, especially for the masses----
+
+_First Man._ Waiter, bring me a whiskey and soda.
+
+_Second Man._ And bring me a glass of bitter.
+
+_First Man._ As for WILFRID LAWSON, he's an utter----
+
+_Second Man._ Oh, WILFRID LAWSON! He's a downright----
+
+    [_They drink_--_not_ SIR WILFRID'S _health_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LOSS OF THE GALLERY.
+
+(_A Fragment from the Chronicles of St. Stephen's._)
+
+"But must I give up this comfortable furniture?" asked the poor
+person, looking at the venerable chairs, some of which were distinctly
+rickety.
+
+"You must, indeed," replied firmly, but still with a certain
+tenderness, the stern official.
+
+"But I can _nearly_ hear what they are saying," urged the fair
+petitioner.
+
+"I cannot help it."
+
+"And _all_ but see them," and once again she peered through the
+grille.
+
+"I am forced to obey my orders," returned the official. "You
+applauded. You clapped your hands--and you must retire."
+
+"And for that little burst of enthusiasm," almost wept the person,
+"I am to lose all this happiness! To be stopped from hearing an
+indistinct murmur, seeing a blurred picture, resting on rickety seats,
+and breathing a vitiated atmosphere! Am I to lose _all_ these comforts
+and pleasures and advantages?"
+
+"I am afraid so," was the answer. And then the official opened the
+door of the Ladies' Gallery of the House of Commons, and the person
+passed out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
+
+_Lord W-ls-l-y_ (_to Commander-in-Chief_). "IN SEPTEMBER I HAVE TO
+RETIRE FROM MY COMMAND."
+
+_Duke._ "DEAR ME! _I_ HAVEN'T!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
+
+  _Seniores priores?_ Rude Rads, and some Tories,
+    Would make that apply to mere manner of exit.
+  If the "Spirit of Eld" is in charge of our glories,
+        Why wantonly vex it?
+
+  That Spirit of Eld is the "note" of our era.
+    Grand old men--and women--at bossing are busy.
+  Youth? Stuff! Callow youth was indeed the chimera
+        Of dandyish DIZZY.
+
+  But that was when DIZZY, himself young--and curly--
+    Was VIVIAN GREY, not the Primrose Dames' darling.
+  The Great Earl himself did not dominate early.
+        Oh, out on such snarling!
+
+  Old ways, and old wines, and old warriors for ever!
+    (Or, if not for ever, a whacking big slice of it.)
+  Great SENEX from service 'twere folly to sever,
+        Whilst winning the price of it.
+
+  Retirement is not your true _militaire's_ virtue;
+    To "beat the retreat" irks us all, dukes or drummers.
+  Let Winter hold sway, then--it cannot much hurt you--
+        For--say _x_--more summers!
+
+  True HANNIBAL, GASTON DE FOIX, ALEXANDER,
+    NAPOLEON, DON JOHN, the GREAT CONDÉ, and CORTES
+  Were types of the true, adolescent commander,
+        And swayed ere their forties.
+
+  Still, they were god-loved and died young, like our SIDNEY,
+    But Genius is versatile, Nature is various;
+  All heroes are not of the same "kiddish" kidney,
+        Ask--say--BELISARIUS!
+
+  To grudge him his obolus ("screw" as _we_ name it)
+    Because he has drawn it a few years--say fifty--
+  If Rads had a conscience at all, Sir, would shame it!
+        But Rads are _so_--thrifty!
+
+  For fellows like WOLSELEY or ROBERTS, retirement
+    Is all very well; they've no call for to stop, Sir.
+  But oh! for an Army the master requirement
+        Is grey hairs--a-top, Sir!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FAMILIAR PHRASE EXPLAINED.
+
+_Robinson._ "WELL, OLD CHAP, HOW DID YOU SLEEP LAST NIGHT?"
+
+_Smith_ (_who had dined out_). "'LIKE A TOP.' AS SOON AS MY HEAD
+TOUCHED THE PILLOW, IT WENT ROUND AND ROUND!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NINETY YEAR!
+
+    ["In the retrospect of ninety years there is a pathetic
+    mixture of gratitude for ample opportunities, and humiliation
+    for insignificant performances."--_Dr. James Martineau, on his
+    Ninetieth Birthday._]
+
+AIR--THACKERAY'S "_Age of Wisdom_"
+
+  Ho! petty prattler of sparkling sin,
+    Paradox-monger, slave of the queer!
+  All your wish is a name to win,
+  To shook the dullards, to sack the tin,--
+    Wait till you come to Ninety Year!
+
+    Curled locks cover your shallow brains,
+  Twaddle and tinkle is all your cheer.
+  Sickly and sullied your amorous strains,
+    Pessimist praters of fancied pains,--
+  What do you think of _this_ Ninety Year?
+
+  Ninety times over let May-day pass
+    (If you should live, which you won't I fear),
+  Then you will know that you were but an ass,
+  Then you will shudder and moan, "Alas!
+    Would I had known it some Ninety Year!"
+
+  Pledge him round! He's a Man, I declare;
+    His heart is warm, though his hair be grey.
+  Modest, as though a record so fair,
+  A brain so big, and a soul so rare,
+    Were a mere matter of every day.
+
+  His eloquent lips the Truth have kissed,
+    His valiant eyes for the Right have shone.
+  Pray, and listen--'twere well you list--
+  Look not away lest the chance be missed,
+    Look on a Man, ere your chance be gone!
+
+  MARTINEAU lives, he's alive, he's here!
+    He loved, and married, seventy years' syne.
+  _Look_ at him, taintless of fraud or fear,
+  Alive and manful at Ninety Year,
+    And blush at your pitiful pessimist whine!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAMLET (_amended by Lord Farrar_).--"In my mind's eye, O ratio!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY.
+
+[Illustration: No. 436. The President and Mr. Marks, R.A., as seen at
+a long range.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 147. A Father's Cuss!]
+
+[Illustration: No. 39. Bray on the Thames. By T. Sidney Cooper, R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 321. "You should see us dance the Pole-ka!" By
+Arthur Wardle.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 91. Gloucestershire "Colts" at practice. New
+left-handed bowler promises well. By George Clausen, A.R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 195. All snuggled up! The President is compelled to
+economise space!]
+
+[Illustration: No. 503. "How long! how long!" Portrait of a blasé
+youth. Even his cane is jade-d! By John S. Sargent, A.R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 172. Couldn't 'e Padmore? By John S. Sargent,
+A.R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 277. The G. O. M. at Cannes. By T. Graham.]
+
+A. R. AT THE R. A.
+
+(_I.e., A Representative at the Royal Academy._)
+
+Anyone arriving at Burlington House so early as to be the first person
+to pay his money and take his choice, will probably look straight
+before him, and will feel somewhat confused at seeing in the distance,
+but exactly opposite him, a dignified figure wearing a chain of
+office, politely rising to receive the early visitor. "It can be no
+other than the President himself," will at once occur to the stranger
+within the gates; "and yet, did I not hear that he was abroad for
+the benefit of his health?" Then, just as he is about to bow his
+acknowledgments of the courtesy extended to him personally by the
+Chief Representative of Art in this country, he will notice seated, at
+the President's left hand, and staring at him, with a pen in his hand,
+ready either to take down the name of the visitor, or to make a sketch
+of him, a gentleman in whose lineaments anyone having the pleasure of
+being personally acquainted with Mr. STACY MARKS, R.A., would at once
+recognise those of that distinguished humourist in bird-painting. "Is
+there wisions about?" will the puzzled visitor quote to himself, and
+then boldly advancing, hat in hand, to be soon replaced on head,
+he will come face to face with the biggest picture in the Academy,
+covering almost the entire wall.
+
+The stately figure is not Sir FREDERIC LEIGHTON, P.R.A., who
+unfortunately has been compelled to go abroad for the benefit of his
+health--_prosit!_--nor is the seated figure Mr. S. MARKS; but the
+former is "_The Bürgermeister of Landsberg, Bavaria_," and the latter
+is his secretary, while the other figures, all likenesses, are
+"his Town Council" in solemn deliberative assembly. The picture,
+an admirable one, and, as will be pretty generally admitted, a
+masterpiece of the master's, is No. 436 in the book, the work of
+Meister HUBERT HERKOMER, R.A.
+
+But as this is in Gallery No. VI., and as it is not every one who will
+be privileged to see the picture as the early bird has seen it, and
+as some few others may, perhaps, see it during the season, this
+Representative retraces his steps from No. VI., and commences _de
+novo_ with No. 1.
+
+No. 17. "_Finan Haddie_," fresh as ever, caught by J. C. HOOK, R.A.
+Title, of course, should have been "_Finan Haddie Hook'd_."
+
+Sir JOHN MILLAIS' _St. Stephen_ (_not_ a parliamentary subject),
+showing that Good Sir JOHN'S hand has lost none of its cunning, is No.
+18; and after bowing politely to Mrs. JOHNSON-FERGUSON, and pausing
+before this charming picture by LUKE FILDES, R.A., to take a last Luke
+at her, you will pass on, please, to No. 25, "_The Fisherman and the
+Jin_," and will wonder why VAL. C. PRINSEP, R.A., spells the cordial
+spirit with a "J" instead of a "G." It is a spirited composition.
+
+No. 31. Mr. JOHN S. SARGENT, A., let "_Mrs. Ernest Hills_" go out of
+his studio in a hurry. She is evidently "to be finished in his next."
+
+No. 34. "_A Quiet Rehearsal._" Lady Amateur all alone, book in hand,
+to which she is not referring, trying to remember her part and say it
+off by heart. It is by W. B. RICHMOND, A. To quote a cigarette paper,
+this work may be fairly entitled "A Richmond Gem."
+
+No. 43. "_Evening._" By B. W. LEADER, A. Delightful. Artistic
+aspirants in this line cannot play a better game than that of "Follow
+my Leader."
+
+This Representative recognised "_Dr. Jameson, C.B._," by HERKOMER, at
+a glance. If you are asked by anyone to look at "_Hay Boat_" do not
+correct him and say "You mean _A_ Boat," or you will find yourself in
+the wrong boat, but admire HILDA MONTALBA'S painting, and pass on to
+OULESS, R.A.'s, excellent portrait of "_J. J. Aubertin_" (a compound
+name, whose first two syllables suggest delightful music while the
+last syllable means money); thence welcome our old friend FRITH, R.A.,
+who, in 67, [and a trifle over, eh?] shows us "_Mrs. Gresham and
+Her Little Daughter_." From the "little D.'s" expressive face may be
+gathered that she has just received a "Gresham Lecture." After noting
+No. 73 and 83 (the unhappily separated twins) together, you may look
+on No. 126. Two fierce animals deer-stalking in a wild mountainous
+region, painted by _Arthur Wardle_. Only from what coign of vantage
+did Mr. WARDLE, the artist, make this life-like sketch? However,
+he came out of the difficulty safe and sound, and we are as glad to
+welcome a "_Wardle_" as we should be to see his ancient associate
+"_Pickwick_," or a "_Weller_," in Burlington House.
+
+No. 139. Charming is Sir F. LEIGHTON'S "_Fair One with the Golden
+Locks_." To complete the picture the hairdresser should have been
+thrown in. She is _en peignoir_, and evidently awaiting his visit.
+This is the key to these locks.
+
+No. 242. Mr. ANDREW C. GOW, R.A., gives us BUONAPARTE riding on the
+sands with a party of officers, "1805." The Emperor is cantering ahead
+of the staff. Another title might be "_Going Nap at Boulogne_."
+
+No. 160. "_A Lion Tamer's Private Rehearsal._" But BRITON RIVIÈRE,
+R.A., calls it "_Ph[oe]bus Apollo_."
+
+No. 251. Queer incident in the life of a respectable middle-aged
+gentleman. Like _Mr. Pickwick_, he has mistaken his room in the hotel,
+and has gone to bed. Suddenly, lady, in brilliant diamond tiara,
+returns from ball, and finds him there. The noise she makes in opening
+the curtains awakes him. He starts up alarmed. "Hallo!" he cries, and
+for the moment the ballad of "_Margaret's Grim Ghosts_" recurs to
+his mind. His next thought is, "How fortunate I went to bed in my
+copper-coloured pyjamas, with a red cummerbund round me." Of course he
+apologised, and withdrew. What happened subsequently is not revealed
+by the artist who has so admirably depicted this effective scene, and
+whose name is Sir JOHN MILLAIS, Bart., R.A.
+
+No. 368. Excellent likeness, by Mr. _Arthur S. Cope_, of the
+well-known and popular parson ROGERS. _A Parsona Grata_. This
+typical old-fashioned English clergyman, who, in ordinary ministerial
+functions, would be the very last person to be associated with a
+"chasuble," will henceforth never be dissociated from a "COPE."
+
+No. 491. A picture by Mr. FRED ROE. If NELSON'S enemies had only
+known of this incident in his lifetime!! Here is our great naval hero,
+evidently "half seas over," being personally conducted through some
+by-streets of Portsmouth, on his way back to the _Victory_, in order
+to avoid the crowd. Rather a hard ROE, this.
+
+No. 767. Congratulations to T. B. KENNINGTON on his "_Alderman George
+Doughty, J.P._," or, as the name might be from the characteristic
+colouring, Alderman DEORGE GOUHTY, which is quite in keeping with the
+proverbial aldermanic tradition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITTLE MIXED.--In its account of the private view at the Royal
+Academy the _Daily News_ says:--"The Countess of MALMESBURY studied
+the sculpture in a harmonious costume of striped black and pink, and a
+picture hat trimmed with pink roses." This is presumably the result of
+the influence of Mr. HORSLEY. But isn't it going a little too far,
+at least to begin with? A piece of sculpture--say, a Venus--in a
+harmonious costume of striped black and pink might pass. But the
+addition of a picture hat trimmed with pink roses is surely fatal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NASTY ONE.
+
+_Disgusted Sculptor._ "SO YOU'VE GOT THE LINE IN TWO PLACES, HAVE YOU?
+HANG ME IF I DON'T GIVE UP ART, AND GO IN FOR PAINTING!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE BANQUET, SATURDAY, MAY 4.
+
+Chair of absent President ably filled by Sir JOHN MILLAIS, who,
+pluckily struggling against evidently painful hoarseness, made, in
+returning thanks, an exceptionally graceful, touching, and altogether
+memorable speech. Odd to note that, had Sir JOHN, speaking hoarsely,
+broken down, we should have heard his _remplaçant_ Horsley speaking.
+_The_ incident, however, which will mark this banquet as unique in
+Academical records, was Sir JOHN'S mistaking one Archbishop for the
+other, and, in consequence, pleasantly indicating by a polite bow to
+the prelate on his left, that he called upon _him_, the Archbishop
+of YORK, to reply for the visitors. "YORK, you're wanted," said, in
+effect, the genial Sir JOHN, utterly ignoring the presence of His
+Grace of CANTERBURY. Whereupon, CANTERBURY collapsed, while the
+Northern Primate, vainly attempting to dissemble his delight,
+professed his utter surprise, his total unpreparedness, and
+straightforth hastened to improve the occasion. But before fifty words
+had passed the jubilant Prelate's lips, Sir JOHN, having discovered
+his mistake, rose quickly in his stirrups, so to speak, and pulled up
+the impetuous YORK just then getting into his stride. Genially beaming
+on the slighted CANTERBURY, Sir JOHN called on "The Primate of All
+England" (a snub this for YORK) to return thanks. "One Archbishop very
+like another Archbishop," chuckled the unabashed Sir JOHN to himself,
+as he resumed his seat, "but quite forgot that YORK as Chaplain to
+Academy is 'His Grace _before_ dinner,' and CANTERBURY represents
+'Grace _after_ dinner.'" "'Twas ever thus," muttered YORK, moodily
+eyeing the last drop in his champagne-glass, as he mentally recalled
+ancient ecclesiastical quarrels between the two provinces, from which
+the Southern Prelate had issued victorious. CANTERBURY flattered,
+but, fluttered, lost his chance. His Royal Highness's speech brief,
+comprehensive, effective. Lord ROSEBERY entertaining. "The rest is
+silence," or better if it had been. No more at present. Good luck to
+the Academy Show of 1895.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: COLD COMFORT!
+
+_Aunt Phillida._ "THE LAST TIME I WENT TO A GROWN-UP FANCY BALL, I
+WENT AS A _WASP_. THAT WAS ONLY TEN YEARS AGO. I DON'T SUPPOSE I SHALL
+EVER AGAIN GO TO A FANCY BALL AS A _WASP!_"
+
+    [_Sighs deeply._
+
+_Mary._ "HARDLY AS A _WASP_, AUNT PHILLIDA. BUT YOU'D LOOK VERY
+SPLENDID AS A BUMBLE-BEE!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE UP-TO-DATE DUCKLINGS.
+
+(_A Fable._)
+
+A Duck that had lately succeeded in hatching a fine brood of
+ducklings, and was much concerned on the point of their polite
+education, took them down to the river one day in order to teach them
+to swim.
+
+"See, my dears!" she said when they were all got to the bank,
+addressing her brood in encouraging accents, "this is the way to do
+it," and so saying the old duck pushed off from the land, in evident
+expectation that her young ones would follow her.
+
+The Ducklings, however, instead of coming after their mother, remained
+on the bank, talking and laughing and whispering among themselves in
+a very knowing manner; until at last the old bird, provoked by their
+levity and wondering what ailed them, called out sharply to them
+from mid-stream to come into the water at once; upon which one of the
+Ducklings, who had evidently been constituted spokesman for the rest,
+made bold to address his mother in the following words.
+
+"You must be a simpleton indeed, Madam," said he, "to imagine that we
+are going to do anything so foolish as to endanger our lives in the
+reckless fashion in which you are now exposing yours; for though it
+may be true that in obedience to some unwritten law of nature (unknown
+at present to us) you are floating securely upon the surface of the
+stream, instead of sinking to the bottom of it, yet it by no means
+follows from thence that we should do the same thing, supposing we
+were so foolish as to follow your example. Rest assured, dear Madam,"
+continued the Duckling, "that so soon as we have sifted this matter
+to the bottom for ourselves, we shall act on the knowledge of it,
+according as our experience may suggest to us; but for the present, at
+any rate, we prefer to remain where we are."
+
+And so saying, the Duckling, accompanied by the rest of the brood,
+turned his back on his natural element, and returned forthwith to the
+poultry-yard.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PHILISTINE PÆAN;
+
+_Or, The Triumph of the Timid One._
+
+  At last! I see signs of a turn in the tide,
+    And O, I perceive it with infinite gratitude.
+  No more need I go with a crick in my side
+    In attempts to preserve a non-natural attitude.
+  _Something_ has changed in the season, _somewhere_;
+  I'm sure I can feel a cool whiff of fresh air!
+
+  Mental malaria worse than the _grippe_
+    Has asphyxiated my mind, or choke-damped it.
+  The plain honest truth has been strange to my lip;
+    I've shammed it, and fudged it, humbugged it and vamped it
+  Till I wasn't I, self-respect was all gone,
+  And I hadn't a taste that I dared call my own.
+
+  I do _not_ love horror. I do _not_ like muck;
+    And mystical muddle to me is abhorrent.
+  In Stygian shallows long time I have stuck,
+    Or, like a dead dog on a sewage-fouled torrent,
+  Have gone with the stream; but beyond the least doubt
+  I'm grateful--_so_ much--for a chance to creep out.
+
+  Egomania it seems then is _not_ the last word
+    Of latter-day wisdom! By Jove I _am_ glad!
+  I always _did_ feel it was highly absurd
+    To worship the maudlin, and aim at the mad;
+  And now, there's a chance for the decent again,
+  One may relish one's DICKENS, yet not seem insane!
+
+  The ghoulish-grotesque, and the grimy-obscure,
+    I _have_ tried to gloat on in poem and prose,
+  But oh! all the while there seemed something impure
+    In the _sniff_ of the thing that tormented my nose;
+  And as to High Art--well, to me it seemed _high_,
+  Like an over-hung hare--only food for the fly.
+
+  Yet _I_ didn't dare say that I felt it to be
+    Pseudo-sphinxian fudge, and sheer Belial bosh;
+  Or that after Art-babble at five o'clock tea,
+    I felt that the thing I most craved was--a wash;
+  Because in the view of the Mystical School,
+  That would just write you down a mere Philistine fool.
+
+  I am not _quite_ sure that I _quite_ understand
+    How they've suddenly found all our fads are degenerate;
+  Why MAETERLINCK, IBSEN, VERLAINE, SARAH GRAND,
+    TOLSTOI, GRANT ALLEN, ZOLA, are "lumped"--but, at any rate,
+  I know I'm relieved from one horrible bore,--
+  _I need not admire what I hate any more_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BIRMINGHAM BENEDICK.
+
+MR. J-S-PH CH-MB-RL-N (_as "Benedick"_). "DOTH NOT THE APPETITE
+CHANGE? A MAN LOVES THE MEAT IN HIS YOUTH THAT HE CANNOT ENDURE IN
+HIS AGE.... WHEN I SAID I WOULD DIE AN INDEPENDENT RADICAL, I DID NOT
+THINK I SHOULD LIVE TO BE ALLIED WITH A TORY PARTY."
+
+    _Much Ado About Nothing_, Act II., Sc. 3 (_slightly
+    "modified"_).
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DRURIOLANUS THE CHEF, OPENS THE OPERATIC PIE.
+
+  "WHEN THE PIE WAS OPEN
+  THE BIRDS BEGAN TO SING."
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLIND ALLEY-GORIES.
+
+BY DUNNO WÄHRIAR.
+
+(_Translated from the original Lappish by Mr. Punch's own Hyperborean
+Enthusiast._)
+
+NO. IV.--SIGNS AND WONDERS.
+
+I sat on the beach one forenoon in midsummer. A great number of people
+were doing much the same. The rhapsodists and orators, the blameless
+Ethiopians with their barbaric instruments of music, the itinerant
+magicians with their wands, the statuesque groups posed before the
+tripod of the photographer, the snow-white sea-chariots with crimson
+wheels, the bare-legged riders on antique steeds, made me fancy I was
+gazing at a scene of Southern Hellenic life. Why I know not--for it
+was not in the least like.
+
+Then I saw an enormous black hand stretch down over the fjord. I was
+not alarmed, for I am becoming accustomed to apparitions of this kind.
+
+It set weird signs and black marks upon the railings of the jetty, and
+on the white sides of the bathing machines, and on the sails of
+the fishing-boats, and when I turned about, the parade itself was
+plastered with tablets.
+
+And on all things had the New Lawgiver incised in letters of gold
+and azure and purple upon shining tables the new commandments:
+"Use Skäuerskjin's Soap!"; "Try Tommeliden Tonic!"; "Buy Boömpvig's
+Pills!"; "Ask for Baldersen's Hairwash!"
+
+And I heard the voice of the wild waves saying, as they lapped up over
+the cheap sandshoes and saturated paper bags full of gingerbread nuts:
+
+"This is the new moral law. That men should cherish the outside and
+insides of their bodies, and keep them clean, like precious vessels of
+brass and copper. Rather to let the picturesque perish than forget for
+a moment which is the best soap for the complexion, and which will not
+wash clothes. Never to see a ship spreading her canvas like a sea
+bird without associations of a Purifying Saline Draught or a Relishing
+Pickle. To ask and see that ye procure!"
+
+Then I looked into the heavens above me, and behold, high above the
+esplanade hung a hand, enormous as the one that had set its marks
+on everything below, but white, white; and it held a brush and wrote
+until the sky was full of signs, and they had form and colour, but not
+of this world, and those who ran could read them.
+
+And I bought a shell-box and a bath bun, and closed my eyes, and
+lay musing in an agony of soul. Suddenly I felt the pain snap,
+and something grow in me, and I saw in my soul's dawning the great
+half-opened shell of a strange oyster.
+
+And this oyster has its bed on my very heart, and it is _my_ salt
+tears that nourish it, and it grows _inside_, invisible to all but me.
+
+But I know that, when the oyster opens, I shall find within its shell,
+like a gleaming dove-coloured pearl, the great Panacea of the To Be;
+and, if you ask me to explain my meaning more fully, I reply that the
+bearings of this blind allegory lie in the application thereof, and
+that ye are a blow-fly brood of dull-witted hucksters.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FIRST STEP
+
+TOWARDS HISTRIONICS.--II.
+
+(_Under the guidance of Herr Goethemann._)
+
+_Questioner._ You were good enough to promise me at our next meeting a
+specimen of the Author-publisher's dramatic manner.
+
+_Answer._ With pleasure. I will read it to you.
+
+"_Afternoon. Two-pair suburban back. Upright piano. High-minded
+table._ HENRY (_dramatic author and host_) _under it, heavy with
+wine._ ROMEO (_his friend and Town Blood_) _communing with_ MARY ANN
+(_local ingénue_). ELIZA (_her sister and hostess_) _outside just
+now, making coffee. She will come in presently, and realise_ DRAMATIC
+MOMENT.
+
+_Mary Ann._ Get up, Henry, and give us a regular old rousing tune.
+
+_Henry_ (_huskily, emerging from retreat_). What shall it be?
+
+_Romeo._ Oh, anything. WAGNER for choice.
+
+    [_Gifted musician obliges with a pot pourri of 'Parsifal,'_
+    ROMEO _absently whistling the trombone part_.
+
+_Mary Ann._ Ripping! Now something classical. Let's have '_After the
+Ball_.' Come on, ROMEO, we'll waltz; push back the fire-place. (_They
+push back the fire-place;_ ROMEO _grasps_ MARY ANN, _and they revolve.
+He kisses her on the cheek_ L. C.) Well, I never did! For shame! I
+decline to dance with you. There!
+
+    [_Declines to dance with him._
+
+_Henry._ One for _you_, my buck! Cheer up, MARY ANN; _I_'ll give you a
+turn.
+
+    [_Pirouettes twice with her, humming suitable air._
+
+_Mary Ann_ (_rendered completely breathless_). It's not like real
+dancing when you only _hum!_
+
+_Henry._ Can't play and dance at same time, you know. Piano too
+stationary. So you must take ROMEO on again, or go without.
+
+_Eliza_ (_entering with coffee-tray and realising situation_). Well,
+I declare! Having high jinks while I was making the coffee. What
+dramatic irony!
+
+    [ROMEO _gallantly invites her to join the giddy throng. They
+    dance._
+
+_Eliza_ (_rendered completely breathless_). My soul! I'm in bad
+training!
+
+_Mary Ann_ (_having got her second wind_). Have a turn with _me_,
+ELIZA! ROMEO 's no good; he misses out every other bar.
+
+_Eliza._ Want my coffee. No wind left.
+
+    [HENRY _spontaneously sings a Lullaby of_ BRAHMS'. _Stops in
+    middle to see what they all think of it. They all think a lot
+    of it. Goes on singing. Only_ ELIZA _goes on thinking a lot of
+    it. Others talk quite loud_, ROMEO _being a Town Blood._ HENRY
+    _finishes, under conviction that they have no manners to speak
+    of. Mind wanders off to the leading lady in his new piece, and
+    he drops inadvertently into 'Daisy' waltz._ ELIZA _waits for
+    second wind._ ROMEO _grapples with_ MARY ANN, _the latter
+    reluctant. She is rapt away in mazy whirl, kicking feebly. He
+    again kisses her on the cheek, this time_ R. C.
+
+_Eliza._ Man! I saw you! It was a wanton act.
+
+_Henry_ (_casually_). Anything broken?
+
+_Eliza._ Oh, HENRY! He went and kissed my MARY ANN, my own sister!
+
+_Romeo_ (_with easy bravado_). A mere nothing, I assure you. She's so
+provoking, don't you know? Had to do it in self-defence.
+
+_Eliza._ It is contrary to established etiquette in _our_ circles.
+MARY ANN, how _could_ you?
+
+_Mary Ann._ I didn't. It was him. I shall scream another time.
+
+_Eliza._ Man, you will oblige me by treating my sister as you would
+your own.
+
+    [_Exit with crushing expression which leaves_ ROMEO _intact._
+
+_Mary Ann._ ELIZA talks rot. (_To_ ROMEO.) Not that you're not a
+beast, all the same.
+
+    [_Exit in two frames of mind._ HENRY _laughs and makes light
+    of osculation. The men converse. The plot becomes even more
+    intricate. The end is nigh._"
+
+    * * *
+
+_Question._ Do I miss the purpose of the Author-publisher?
+
+_Answer._ I should think it highly improbable.
+
+_Q._ But why did he write it?
+
+_A._ It is a "problem-play," and that, as I said, is the problem.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHEERING.--Liberal Party much encouraged by East Wicklow and East
+Leeds. "Wisdom from the East," they call it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.
+
+_Nervous Youth._ "WELL--ER--GOOD-BYE, MRS. THOMAS. AWFULLY GLAD I MET
+YOU! ER--SO GOOD OF YOU--SO MUCH PLEASANTER THAN RIDING ALONE!"
+
+    [_Shuts up._
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM CORINTO TO HERNE BAY.
+
+(_An Anglo-Nicaraguan Parallel._)
+
+The young Midshipman looked towards Corinto. The public buildings were
+still within range of the monster guns. The select army of one hundred
+and fifty had retired before the advance of the blue jackets and
+marines. All was tranquil, and, as he gazed upon the Nicaraguan
+capital, his eyes closed, and he dreamed a dream.
+
+He was once more in England. He was at the seaside. Here in front
+of him were bathing-machines. There, to his right, was a circulating
+library. He could see a clock-tower and a shortened pier. Then
+he laughed in his glee. He was at Herne Bay! Close to the Isle of
+Thanet--within sight of the Reculvers!
+
+He had scarcely realised his happiness, when he noticed on the ocean a
+flotilla. Three gigantic ironclads were approaching the tranquil town!
+
+"The Nicaraguan fleet!" he murmured in his sleep.
+
+It, alas! was too true! The Central American Admiral had sent an
+ultimatum. The news had run from one end of Herne Bay to the
+other that, unless the sum demanded were paid at once, the
+as-yet-unconquered watering-place would be "ploughed," as the Poet
+BUNN would have put it, "by the hoof of the ruthless invader."
+
+Then there was a hurried consultation. What could be done with that
+overpowering fleet? It was useless to defend the bathing-machines; the
+donkeys and their drivers were no match for heavy ordnance. What
+could the few coast-guardsmen do when threatened by five hundred
+Nicaraguans?
+
+"Herne Bay must surrender!" murmured the Midshipman in his sleep.
+"There is no help for it."
+
+And then came a strange sight. The search-lights of the Nicaraguan
+fleet played upon the sea front, and the little garrison of Herne
+Bay retired towards Birchington and Margate. The Band (lent from the
+Militia) marched away, followed by the heavy cavalry of the bathers,
+and the Uhlan-like donkeys of the sands. The representatives of the
+Navy (carrying their look-out telescopes) brought up the rear.
+
+Then, when all had gone, the sailors and marines of the Nicaraguan
+fleet landed. The British flag was hauled down, and replaced by the
+colours of the enemy.
+
+Herne Bay was conquered!
+
+At this point the Midshipman awoke with a start. He looked round, and
+sighed a great sigh of relief.
+
+"How fortunate it is that the English fleet have conquered Corinto
+and not the Nicaraguan fleet Herne Bay!" he cried in an ecstacy of
+patriotic fervour. Then he performed for hours the duties of his
+command. Towards the close of day he again casually glanced at Corinto
+and once more was involuntarily reminded of Herne Bay. And as he gazed
+upon the Central American town he came to the conclusion that it
+was about as formidable and about as well defended as the Kentish
+watering-place. And having arrived at this opinion he determined
+in his own mind that the taking of Corinto, as a feat of arms, was
+scarcely on a par with the Victory of Trafalgar.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A GRAND OLD MANNS.
+
+(_On his Seventieth Birthday._)
+
+  To MANNS of Crystal Palace fame,
+    _Punch_ sends his kindly greeting.
+  The ever keen, the never tame,
+    Time may he long be beating
+  (For Time it seems cannot beat him).
+    Time's darts may he resist all
+  With _bâton_ brisk and eyes un-dim.
+    Beneath that dome of Crystal--
+  For many a year! And decades hence
+    _Punch_ hopes it may befa' that
+  He'll shout, before that choir immense,
+    "A _Manns'_ a Man for a' that!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CLASSIC CANDIDATE.--Mr. HOMER in West Dorset is the Independent
+Farmers' Candidate. He is, of course, more than a positive "Home
+Ruler," being a comparative hopeful "HOMER Ruler." But surely the
+language of HOMER must be Greek to most of his hearers, even at
+Bridport, and in view of the _poluphoisboio thalasses_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RAD TO THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER.
+
+(_On the Humdrum Budget._)
+
+  Just "As you were"! Ingenious, fair,
+    And all that, I've no doubt;
+  But titled swells you do not scare,
+    Nor rich monopolists flout.
+  I tolerate where I would praise.
+    Reform _is_ a slow grower!
+  _My_ spirits, WILL, it will not raise,
+    To see _your_ spirits lower!
+  Free Breakfast Table? Graduation?--
+    Chances seem getting fewer:
+  Well WILL, my only consolation
+    Is this--you've "copped the brewer!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the title of his new book, "ANTHONY HOPE" has taken the Roman
+_prénom_ which evidently by right belonged to him. There is no comma,
+nor introduction of "by," and so straight off we read in golden
+letters on the back, "_A Man of Mark Anthony Hope_." O Brave MARK
+ANTHONY! His readers have great faith in HOPE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARLIAMENTARY.--The nearest approach to a dead-lock is a live (J. G.)
+WEIR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW GALLERY QUERIES.
+
+Is Mr. HITCHCOCK'S "_Flight into Egypt_" a view of Dartmoor? and what
+are all those blue flowers? Borage, blue currants, corn-flowers, "new
+broom," gorse dyed blue for this occasion only, or what? I have been
+offered all these random suggestions by distinguished critics, but
+they somehow don't seem convincing.
+
+Why are the competitors in the charming swimming-match between
+Mermaids and Tritons so remarkably _dry_ in the upper parts? I always
+get decidedly damp when I enter the sea, but these ladies take to
+it like ducks--"_Dux f[oe]mina facti_" (as said an ancient poet in
+anticipation)--and so I suppose the water rolls off their backs.
+
+Will "_Her First Offering_" of grass and daisies go far towards
+softening the heart of a statuette? Her sister, last year, had a much
+more tempting "_Gift for the Gods_," but there is no accounting for
+divinities' tastes.
+
+What does Mr. KPOFFNH--dear me, I can _not_ get his name right?--mean
+by "_Sous les Arbres?_" Is it a man or a statue, a spook or a symbol?
+Why does he wear a marble wig? Why does his brown hair show underneath
+it? Why has he got a wall eye? Why is he "under the trees?" Why is
+he at large at all? Why---- But there, I give it up! I don't believe
+there are any answers to these conundrums!
+
+How is it I've been looking at "_Kit_" for two whole minutes before
+realising that there's a Persian cat in the composition? But she's a
+real beauty, when you _do_ coax her out of this "puzzle picture."
+
+Why (this is no new query!) have Sir EDWARD BURNE-JONES' Luciferians
+and Sleeping Beauties and peeresses and children and brides one and
+all the same world-weary expression? Why do they, without exception,
+look as if they were off to a funeral, or had just seen themselves
+in the glass? Are there no other colours in the land but dull green,
+steel-blue, ink-purple, and brick-red? Why do I immediately want to
+commit suicide after studying these masterpieces? Why doesn't Psyche
+cheer up a bit, even though she _is_ going to be married? _She_ wasn't
+a _[Greek: nea gunê]_, I'm sure!
+
+Why does the dog in Mr. HOLMAN HUNT'S picture look as if it had
+softening of the brain? and why do I pass on hurriedly to the next
+picture?
+
+Will Miss REHAN'S left shoulder hold up her dress much longer, I
+wonder, in Mr. SARGENT'S portrait? I don't know, but I _have_ fears!
+
+Is the lady in Mrs. SWYNNERTON'S "_Sense of Sight_" preparing to
+catch a cricket ball, or cutting an acquaintance, or going to recite
+something? I _should_ like to know.
+
+Why couldn't some enterprising dentist supply the ladies in "_Echoes_"
+with false teeth, and why weren't they taken away quietly home,
+and not allowed to exhibit their other anatomical innovations? Echo
+answers to these and all my queries, "Why, indeed?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PROGNOSIS.
+
+"BY THE WAY, DOCTOR, THE 'NEW WOMAN,' DON'TCHERKNOW--WHAT'LL _SHE_ BE
+LIKE, WHEN SHE'S GROWN OLD?"
+
+"MY DEAR COLONEL, _SHE_'LL NEVER GROW OLD!"
+
+"GREAT SCOTT! YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY SHE'S GOING TO LAST FOR EVER!"
+
+"SHE WON'T EVEN LAST OUT THE CENTURY! SHE'S GOT EVERY MALADY UNDER THE
+SUN!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Chester Cup.
+
+    The _Rock Dove_ don't pooh-pooh,
+    A dove can make a _coup;_
+  The odds? You yet may nobble 'em.
+      'Tis four to one
+      'Gainst _Son of a Gun_,
+  But _Euclid_ is a problem.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, April 29._--When _Mr. Toots_, in agony of
+perturbed bashfulness, sat down on _Florence Dombey's_ best bonnet,
+he murmured, "Oh, it's of no consequence." SQUIRE OF MALWOOD does not
+resemble _Mr. Toots_ in any respect, not even that of bashfulness. But
+he has a way, when taking important move, of studiously investing it
+with appearance of "no consequence." Thus to-night, asking for lion's
+share of time for remaining portion of Session, he could hardly
+bring himself to uplift his voice: mumbled over phrases; coughed at
+conjunctions; half paralysed by prepositions; looked round with pained
+astonishment when Members behind cried, "Speak up!" Why should he
+trouble to speak up on so immaterial a matter? Still, to oblige, he
+would say all he wanted was to take for Government purposes, for rest
+of Session, all the time of House, save the inconvenient Wednesday
+afternoon sitting, and the inconsiderable Friday night.
+
+More marked this cultured mannerism when announcing immediate
+introduction of Bill prohibiting plural voting. This a genuine
+surprise. Not been talked of since House met. Nobody thinking of
+it. SQUIRE in almost whisper announced its introduction to-morrow.
+Astonished beyond measure at commotion created; the boisterous cheers
+of Liberals, the uneasy laughter of Opposition.
+
+"Most remarkable place this House of Commons," he said afterwards,
+gazing over my head into the infinite horizon, where shadowy figure
+of Local Veto Bill is visible to the eye of faith. "Always full of
+surprises even for old practitioners like you and me."
+
+PRINCE ARTHUR, much relishing this subtle humour, was himself in
+sprightliest mood. The whole business of Session, he protested, was an
+elaborate joke. If they were there to work, he would take off his coat
+and ding on with the best of them. But they were there to play.
+"Well, let us play," he said, holding out both hands with gesture of
+invitation to Treasury Bench.
+
+Proposal irresistible. House divided forthwith; SQUIRE'S motion
+carried by majority of 22; then, whilst half a dozen naval men talked
+water-tube boiler, PRINCE ARTHUR, SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, and picked
+company from either side went out behind SPEAKER'S Chair to play. Such
+larks! To see PRINCE ARTHUR take in a stride "the backs" given him by
+the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, with CAWMEL-BANNERMAN next; to see JOHN MORLEY
+seriously whipping a top; to watch BRYCE breathless behind the nimble
+hoop; to look on while EDWARD GREY, forgetful of China and Japan,
+thinking nothing of Nicaragua, played a game of marbles with HART
+DYKE; to see LOCKWOOD trying a spurt with DICK WEBSTER, the course
+being twice round the Division Lobby, ASQUITH, fresh from the
+Cab-arbitration, having handicapped them--to see this, and much else,
+was a spectacle wholesome for those engaged in it, interesting for the
+solitary spectator.
+
+_Business done._--Shipbuilding Vote in Navy Estimates agreed to.
+
+_Tuesday._--Odd thing that on this particular night, when Government
+bring in Bill prohibiting plurality of voting, BILL should bring in a
+Bill. His first and only Bill. Of course he might argue if we have one
+man one vote, one BILL one Bill is all right. Yes; but, as SARK with
+his keen mathematical instinct points out, this is a case of two
+Bills--BILL, the Member for Leek, and a Bill to empower magistrates
+to prohibit the sale of intoxicating liquors to persons previously
+convicted of drunkenness. That is obviously a plurality of Bills. But
+we are getting hopelessly mixed. The only man among us who sees clear
+is JOHN WILLIAM. Deep pathos in his voice as he says the time is near
+at hand when a tyrannical Government will attempt to enforce principle
+of "One Man One Drink."
+
+Cap'en TOMMY BOWLES had best of dreary evening. Mentioned yesterday,
+with tears from his honest blue eyes coursing down his rugged,
+weather-beaten cheek, fresh infamy on part of SQUIRE OF MALWOOD. Had
+announced on Thursday that, at Monday's sitting, Naval Works Loan
+Bill would be proceeded with. TOMMY accordingly clewed up, and ran for
+port; laying to for forty-eight hours, prepared speech on Naval Works.
+Now SQUIRE calmly announced that Shipbuilding Vote was to be taken.
+What was TOMMY to do with speech prepared on Naval Works Loans?
+
+[Illustration: Cap'en Tommy Bowles.]
+
+In despair yesterday; to-day bright idea struck him. SHAW-LEFEVRE had
+moved to introduce One Man One Vote Bill. Why shouldn't TOMMY, flying
+that flag, run in and deliver his speech on Naval Works? A bold
+experiment; only hope of success was that House, being in almost
+comatose state, wouldn't notice ruse if cleverly managed. Trust TOMMY
+for clever management. Holding sheaf of notes firmly in left hand,
+deftly turning them over with the hook that serves him for right hand,
+the old salt read his speech on Naval Works Loan Bill. Here and there,
+when he observed restless movement in any part of House, fired off
+phrase about "forty-shilling freeholder," "occupation votes," "rural
+constituencies," "re-distribution," "country going to the dogs,"
+"jerrymandering," and "right hon. gentleman opposite." Scheme worked
+admirably; speech reeled off, and SQUIRE OF MALWOOD'S knavish trick
+confounded.
+
+_Business done._--One Man One Vote Bill brought in.
+
+_Thursday._--House not to be moved to evidence of excitement even
+by prospect of Budget night. On such occasion in ordinary times
+attendance at prayer-time most encouraging to Chaplain. Begins to
+think that at last his ministrations are bearing fruit. This afternoon
+congregation not much above average. No rush for tickets for seats.
+When _Squire_ rose to open his statement, great gaps below Gangway on
+Ministerial side. The SQUIRE, recognising situation, refrained from
+heroics, content to deliver plain business speech. No exordium; no
+peroration; no flight into empyrean heights of eloquence as was the
+wont of Mr. G. Some sympathetic movement when SQUIRE, with momentarily
+increased briskness of manner, spoke of snap of cold weather in
+February, with its accompaniment of influenza, increased death-rate,
+and fuller flow of death duties into National coffers. The quality of
+this mercy was not quite unstrained. Not dropping, like the gentle dew
+from heaven, till February, increased death rates will not come into
+account till succeeding year. Still, there was rum. As thermometer
+fell rum went up with a rush.
+
+  Fifteen men on a dead man's chest.
+  High ho! and a bottle of rum.
+
+What with comforting the mourners, and imbibed as a preventive, rum
+brought a windfall of £100,000 into the Treasury.
+
+That was well in its way. But then there were those 75,000
+mean-spirited people who ought to have died last year, their estates
+paying tribute to CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER, and who positively insisted
+upon living. The long-trained fortitude of the SQUIRE nearly broke
+down when he mentioned this circumstance. Pretty to see how it also
+touched JOKIM. The wounds of riven friendship temporarily closed up;
+the rivalry of recent years forgotten in contemplation of these 75,000
+reckless, ruthless people, who, in defiance of law of average, didn't
+die in financial year ending March 31, 1895. The past CHANCELLOR OF
+EXCHEQUER and his successor in office mingled their tears. But for
+intervention of table they would probably have flung themselves into
+each other's arms and sobbed aloud.
+
+"Thus," said PRINCE ARTHUR, himself not unaffected by the scene, "doth
+one touch of nature make Chancellors of the Exchequer kin."
+
+_Business done._--Budget brought in.
+
+_Friday Night._--ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS submitted proposal to dock payment
+of £10,000 annuity to Duke of COBURG. Thinks H.R.H. might, in
+circumstances, get along nicely without it. SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE
+agrees. T. H. BOLTONPARTY, on the other hand, gravely differs. Folding
+his arms as was his wont on eve of Austerlitz, he regards ALPHEUS
+CLEOPHAS with awful frown. Imperial instincts naturally wounded. "No
+trifling with the personal revenues of our Royal cousins, whether at
+home or abroad," said T. H. BOLTONPARTY in the voice of thunder that
+once reverberated across the shivering chasms of the Alps.
+
+_Business done._--Proposal to cut off Duke of COBURG'S pension
+negatived by 193 votes against 72.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TWO WAYS OF DOING IT.
+
+FIRST WAY.
+
+_From the Representative of Her Britannic Majesty's Government to the
+---- Minister for Foreign Affairs._
+
+  _January_ 1, 18-0.
+
+I have the honour to inform your Excellency that I am instructed
+by the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs that Her Britannic
+Majesty's Government has reason to complain of the conduct of the
+Government of which your Excellency is the representative. I have the
+honour to say that it will be advisable for your Excellency to urge
+upon the Government of which your Excellency is the representative the
+necessity of inquiry into the matter as speedily as possible. I have
+further the honour to add that it will be gratifying to Her Britannic
+Majesty's Government if the Government of which your Excellency is
+a representative will give the matter to which I refer the earliest
+attention.
+
+_From the Representative, &c., to the ---- Minister, &c._
+
+  _January_ 1, 18-1.
+
+I have the honour to call the attention of your Excellency to the long
+and unsatisfactory correspondence that has passed during the last year
+between your Excellency as representing the Government of which you
+are the representative and the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs
+upon the matter of the despatch I had the honour to forward to your
+Excellency dated January 1, 18-0. I am directed to have the honour of
+requesting your Excellency to urge upon the Government of which your
+Excellency is a representative the necessity of a speedy settlement of
+the matter in dispute.
+
+_From the Representative, &c., to the ---- Minister, &c._
+
+  _January_ 1, 18-2.
+
+I have again the honour to call the attention of your Excellency to,
+&c. &c.
+
+    (_Rather longer than the foregoing one. Then follow two more
+    "from the same to the same" in 18-3 and 18-4. This is the
+    first way._)
+
+SECOND (AND SHORTER) WAY.
+
+_From British Admiral to ---- Minister._
+
+  _January_ 1, 18-5, 12 NOON.
+
+If you don't pay up within a quarter of an hour, I will bombard your
+capital, seize your country, and imprison the Government of which you
+are the representative.
+
+_From ---- Minister, &c., to British Admiral._
+
+  _January_ 1, 18-5, 12.10 P.M.
+
+Don't fire. Have sent money demanded by P.O.O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Predominant Partner.
+
+  'Tis to the "New National Party," 'tis clear,
+    That CHAMBERLAIN swears his affiance.
+  The Triple Alliance? Why, no, 'twould appear
+  The third, and predominant partner, is Beer,
+      So let's call it "The _Tipple_ Alliance."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.--To all, and especially to all travellers, on
+account of its portable size, the Baron begs to recommend a charming
+novelette written by GUY BOOTHABY, entitled _A Lost Endeavour_,
+published by DENT of Aldine House. When Mr. GUY BOOTHABY brings out
+another story equal to this, the Baron will be delighted to draw
+public attention to it by saying, "Here's another GUY--BOOTHABY."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN AWFUL MONSTER RECENTLY LET OUT IN A CHURCH!--A second-hand sermon
+with eight heads.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR THE LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.--"_Quantum snuff._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+108, May 11th, 1895, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 108, MAY 11TH, 1895 ***
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108,
+May 11th, 1895, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, May 11th, 1895
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: January 26, 2014 [EBook #44760]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 108, MAY 11TH, 1895 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page217" id="page217"></a>[pg 217]</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h1>PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.<br />
+
+<small>Volume 108,  <span class="sc">May 11th, 1895.</span></small><br />
+
+<span class="smaller"><i>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</i></span></h1>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"BRAINS FOR CASH."</h2>
+
+<p class="center">["The unbridled greediness of some
+authors."&mdash;<span class="sc">Mr. Gosse.</span>]</p>
+
+<p><i>Publisher</i> (<i>nervously</i>). And
+what will your terms be for a
+short story, in your best style?</p>
+
+<p><i>Author</i> (<i>loftily</i>). I have only
+one style, and that is perfection.
+I couldn't think of charging less
+than fifty guineas a page.</p>
+
+<p><i>Publisher</i> (<i>aghast</i>). Fifty
+guineas a page! But are you
+aware that Lord <span class="sc">Macaulay</span> got
+only ten thousand for the whole of
+his history, and that <span class="sc">Milton</span>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Author</i> (<i>rudely</i>). Hang <span class="sc">Macaulay</span>
+and <span class="sc">Milton</span>! Surely you
+would not compare those second-rate
+writers with <i>myself!</i> If
+<i>they</i> were content to work for
+starvation wages, I am not.</p>
+
+<p><i>Publisher</i>. But, say your story
+runs to twenty pages, as it probably
+will, I shall have to pay
+you for that one short tale the
+really ridiculous sum of a thousand
+pounds!</p>
+
+<p><i>Author</i> (<i>coolly</i>). Yes, it is rather
+ridiculous&mdash;ridiculously small, I
+mean. Still, out of regard to your
+pocket, I am willing to accept
+that inadequate remuneration. Is
+it a bargain?</p>
+
+<p><i>Publisher</i> (<i>with a groan</i>). It
+must be. The public demands
+your work, and we have no option.
+But allow me to remark that your
+policy is&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Author</i> (<i>gaily</i>). A Policy of Assurance,
+on which <i>you</i> have to pay
+the premium. Ha, ha!</p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">A Year Or Two Later.</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Author</span> (<span class="sc">deferentially</span>). I have
+a really capital idea for a work of
+fiction, on a subject which I believe
+to be quite original. What&mdash;ahem!&mdash;are
+you prepared to
+offer for the copyright?</p>
+
+<p><i>Publisher.</i> Couldn't think of
+making an offer till we saw the
+work. It might turn out to be
+worth nothing at all.</p>
+
+<p><i>Author.</i> Nothing at all! But
+you forget how my fame&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Publisher.</i> Disappeared when
+we were obliged to charge the
+public six shillings for a story of
+yours about the size of an average
+tract. Other writers have come
+to the front, you know. Still, if
+there's anything in your novel,
+when it's finished, we should, I
+daresay, be prepared to offer you
+a couple of guineas down, and a
+couple more when&mdash;say&mdash;a thousand
+copies had been sold. Is it
+a bargain?</p>
+
+<p><i>Author</i> (<i>sadly</i>). I suppose it
+must be! Yet I can hardly be
+said to be <i>paid</i> for my work.</p>
+
+<p><i>Publisher.</i> Perhaps not. But
+you can be said to be <i>paid out!</i></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 220px;"><a href="images/217-700.png"><img src="images/217-220.png" width="220" height="467" alt="'The Female Ostrich at the Zoo is dead.'" /></a>
+<p class="center">"<span class="sc">The Female Ostrich at the Zoo is dead.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3 class="sans">THE STREETS OF LONDON.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>The stately streets of London</p>
+<p class="i2">Are always "up" in Spring,</p>
+<p>To ordinary minds an ex-</p>
+<p class="i2">traordinary thing.</p>
+<p>Then cabs across strange ridges bound,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or sink in holes, abused</p>
+<p>With words resembling not, in sound,</p>
+<p class="i2">Those Mrs. <span class="sc">Hemans</span> used.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The miry streets of London,</p>
+<p class="i2">Dotted with lamps by night;</p>
+<p>What pitfalls where the dazzled eye</p>
+<p class="i2">Sees doubly ruddy light!</p>
+<p>For in the season, just in May,</p>
+<p class="i2">When many meetings meet,</p>
+<p>The jocund vestry starts away,</p>
+<p class="i2">And closes all the street.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The shut-up streets of London!</p>
+<p class="i2">How willingly one jumps</p>
+<p>From where one's cab must stop, through pools</p>
+<p class="i2">Of mud, in dancing pumps!</p>
+<p>When thus one skips on miry ways</p>
+<p class="i2">One's pride is much decreased,</p>
+<p>Like <i>Mrs. Gilpin's</i>, for one's "chaise"</p>
+<p class="i2">Is "three doors off" at least.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The free, fair streets of London!</p>
+<p class="i2">Long, long, in vestry hall,</p>
+<p>May heads of native thickness rise,</p>
+<p class="i2">When April showers fall;</p>
+<p>And green for ever be the men</p>
+<p class="i2">Who spend the rates in May,</p>
+<p>By stopping all the traffic then</p>
+<p class="i2">In such a jocose way!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">In Bloom.</span>&mdash;On Saturday last
+there was a letter in the <i>Daily
+Telegraph</i> headed "Trees for
+Londoners." The lessee and
+manager of the Haymarket
+Theatre thinks that for Londoners
+two Trees are quite sufficient,
+<i>i.e.</i> his wife and himself.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>THE DRINK QUESTION.</h2>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>First Man.</i> What rot it is to keep this tax on beer!</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>Second Man.</i> Well, it's better than spirits, anyhow.</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>First Man.</i> Of course you say that as you've got those shares in
+that Distillery Company.</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>Second Man.</i> Well, you needn't talk, with your <span class="sc">Allsopp</span>
+Debentures.</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>First Man.</i> Come to that, personally I take no interest in beer.
+It's poison to me.</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>Second Man.</i> It's the finest drink in the world. I never touch
+spirits.</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>First Man.</i> They're much more wholesome. I wonder what the
+Government will do about Local Veto and Compensation. I suppose,
+as I'm a Liberal&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>Second Man.</i> So am I. But I respect vested interests. Now, in
+theory, teetotalism, especially for the masses&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>First Man.</i> Waiter, bring me a whiskey and soda.</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>Second Man.</i> And bring me a glass of bitter.</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>First Man.</i> As for <span class="sc">Wilfrid Lawson</span>, he's an utter&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>Second Man.</i> Oh, <span class="sc">Wilfrid Lawson</span>! He's a downright&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="rindent1">[<i>They drink</i>&mdash;<i>not</i> <span class="sc">Sir Wilfrid's</span> <i>health</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>THE LOSS OF THE GALLERY.</h3>
+
+<p class="title1">(<i>A Fragment from the Chronicles of St. Stephen's.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>"But must I give up this comfortable furniture?" asked the
+poor person, looking at the venerable chairs, some of which were
+distinctly rickety.</p>
+
+<p>"You must, indeed," replied firmly, but still with a certain tenderness,
+the stern official.</p>
+
+<p>"But I can <i>nearly</i> hear what they are saying," urged the fair
+petitioner.</p>
+
+<p>"I cannot help it."</p>
+
+<p>"And <i>all</i> but see them," and once again she peered through the grille.</p>
+
+<p>"I am forced to obey my orders," returned the official. "You
+applauded. You clapped your hands&mdash;and you must retire."</p>
+
+<p>"And for that little burst of enthusiasm," almost wept the
+person, "I am to lose all this happiness! To be stopped from hearing
+an indistinct murmur, seeing a blurred picture, resting on rickety
+seats, and breathing a vitiated atmosphere! Am I to lose <i>all</i> these
+comforts and pleasures and advantages?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am afraid so," was the answer. And then the official opened
+the door of the Ladies' Gallery of the House of Commons, and the
+person passed out.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page218" id="page218"></a>[pg 218]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/218-1200.png"><img src="images/218-400.png" width="400" height="484" alt="ALL THE DIFFERENCE." /></a>
+<h2 class="sans">ALL THE DIFFERENCE.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Lord W-ls-l-y</i> (<i>to Commander-in-Chief</i>). "<span class="sc">In September I have to
+retire from my Command.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Duke.</i> "<span class="sc">Dear me! <i>I</i> haven't!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page219" id="page219"></a>[pg 219]</span></p>
+
+<h2>ALL THE DIFFERENCE.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem width27">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><i>Seniores priores?</i> Rude Rads, and some Tories,</p>
+<p class="i2">Would make that apply to mere manner of exit.</p>
+<p>If the "Spirit of Eld" is in charge of our glories,</p>
+<p class="i6">Why wantonly vex it?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>That Spirit of Eld is the "note" of our era.</p>
+<p class="i2">Grand old men&mdash;and women&mdash;at bossing are busy.</p>
+<p>Youth? Stuff! Callow youth was indeed the chimera</p>
+<p class="i6">Of dandyish <span class="sc">Dizzy</span>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But that was when <span class="sc">Dizzy</span>, himself young&mdash;and curly&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Was <span class="sc">Vivian Grey</span>, not the Primrose Dames' darling.</p>
+<p>The Great Earl himself did not dominate early.</p>
+<p class="i6">Oh, out on such snarling!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Old ways, and old wines, and old warriors for ever!</p>
+<p class="i2">(Or, if not for ever, a whacking big slice of it.)</p>
+<p>Great <span class="sc">Senex</span> from service 'twere folly to sever,</p>
+<p class="i6">Whilst winning the price of it.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Retirement is not your true <i>militaire's</i> virtue;</p>
+<p class="i2">To "beat the retreat" irks us all, dukes or drummers.</p>
+<p>Let Winter hold sway, then&mdash;it cannot much hurt you&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i6">For&mdash;say <i>x</i>&mdash;more summers!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>True <span class="sc">Hannibal</span>, <span class="sc">Gaston de Foix</span>, <span class="sc">Alexander</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2"><span class="sc">Napoleon</span>, <span class="sc">Don John</span>, the <span class="sc">Great Condé</span>, and <span class="sc">Cortes</span></p>
+<p>Were types of the true, adolescent commander,</p>
+<p class="i6">And swayed ere their forties.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Still, they were god-loved and died young, like our <span class="sc">Sidney</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">But Genius is versatile, Nature is various;</p>
+<p>All heroes are not of the same "kiddish" kidney,</p>
+<p class="i6">Ask&mdash;say&mdash;<span class="sc">Belisarius</span>!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>To grudge him his obolus ("screw" as <i>we</i> name it)</p>
+<p class="i2">Because he has drawn it a few years&mdash;say fifty&mdash;</p>
+<p>If Rads had a conscience at all, Sir, would shame it!</p>
+<p class="i6">But Rads are <i>so</i>&mdash;thrifty!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>For fellows like <span class="sc">Wolseley</span> or <span class="sc">Roberts</span>, retirement</p>
+<p class="i2">Is all very well; they've no call for to stop, Sir.</p>
+<p>But oh! for an Army the master requirement</p>
+<p class="i6">Is grey hairs&mdash;a-top, Sir!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 380px;"><a href="images/219-900.png"><img src="images/219-300.png" width="300" height="471" alt="FAMILIAR PHRASE EXPLAINED." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">FAMILIAR PHRASE EXPLAINED.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Robinson.</i> "<span class="sc">Well, old Chap, how did you sleep last Night?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Smith</i> (<i>who had dined out</i>). "<span class="sc">'Like a Top.' As soon as my Head
+touched the
+Pillow, it went round and round!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>NINETY YEAR!</h3>
+
+<p class="ind2">["In the retrospect of ninety years there is a
+pathetic mixture of gratitude for ample opportunities,
+and humiliation for insignificant performances."&mdash;<i>Dr.
+James Martineau, on his
+Ninetieth Birthday.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="title1"><span class="sc">Air</span>&mdash;<span class="sc">Thackeray's</span> "<i>Age of Wisdom</i>"</p>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Ho! petty prattler of sparkling sin,</p>
+<p class="i2">Paradox-monger, slave of the queer!</p>
+<p>All your wish is a name to win,</p>
+<p>To shook the dullards, to sack the tin,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Wait till you come to Ninety Year!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Curled locks cover your shallow brains,</p>
+<p>Twaddle and tinkle is all your cheer.</p>
+<p>Sickly and sullied your amorous strains,</p>
+<p class="i2">Pessimist praters of fancied pains,&mdash;</p>
+<p>What do you think of <i>this</i> Ninety Year?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Ninety times over let May-day pass</p>
+<p class="i2">(If you should live, which you won't I fear),</p>
+<p>Then you will know that you were but an ass,</p>
+<p>Then you will shudder and moan, "Alas!</p>
+<p class="i2">Would I had known it some Ninety Year!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Pledge him round! He's a Man, I declare;</p>
+<p class="i2">His heart is warm, though his hair be grey.</p>
+<p>Modest, as though a record so fair,</p>
+<p>A brain so big, and a soul so rare,</p>
+<p class="i2">Were a mere matter of every day.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>His eloquent lips the Truth have kissed,</p>
+<p class="i2">His valiant eyes for the Right have shone.</p>
+<p>Pray, and listen&mdash;'twere well you list&mdash;</p>
+<p>Look not away lest the chance be missed,</p>
+<p class="i2">Look on a Man, ere your chance be gone!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p><span class="sc">Martineau</span> lives, he's alive, he's here!</p>
+<p class="i2">He loved, and married, seventy years' syne.</p>
+<p><i>Look</i> at him, taintless of fraud or fear,</p>
+<p>Alive and manful at Ninety Year,</p>
+<p class="i2">And blush at your pitiful pessimist whine!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Hamlet</span> (<i>amended by Lord Farrar</i>).&mdash;"In
+my mind's eye, O ratio!"</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page220" id="page220"></a>[pg 220]</span></p>
+
+<h2 class="sans">FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY.</h2>
+
+<table summary="Royal Academy" border="0">
+<tr>
+       <td colspan="2"><div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/220-a-1200.png"><img src="images/220-a-400.png" width="400" height="177" alt="No. 436. The President and Mr. Marks, R.A." /></a>
+<p>No. 436. The President and Mr. Marks, R.A., as seen at a long
+range.</p></div></td>
+
+       <td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 150px;"><a href="images/220-b-400.png"><img src="images/220-b-150.png" width="150" height="271" alt="No. 147. A Father's Cuss!" /></a>
+<p>No. 147. A Father's Cuss!</p></div></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 200px;"><a href="images/220-c-500.png"><img src="images/220-c-200.png" width="200" height="157" alt="No. 39. Bray on the Thames." /></a>
+<p>No. 39. Bray on the Thames. By T. Sidney Cooper, R.A.</p></div></td>
+       <td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 200px;"><a href="images/220-d-600.png"><img src="images/220-d-200.png" width="200" height="149" alt="No. 321. 'You should see us dance the Pole-ka!'" /></a>
+<p>No. 321. "You should see us dance the Pole-ka!" By Arthur Wardle.</p></div></td>
+       <td rowspan="2"><div class="figcenter" style="width: 160px;"><a href="images/220-g-320.png"><img src="images/220-g-160.png" width="160" height="430" alt="No. 503. 'How long! how long!'" /></a>
+<p>No. 503. "How long! how long!" Portrait of a blasé youth. Even his cane is jade-d! By John S. Sargent, A.R.A.</p></div></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 250px;"><a href="images/220-e-800.png"><img src="images/220-e-250.png" width="250" height="151" alt="No. 91. Gloucestershire 'Colts' at practice." /></a>
+<p>No. 91. Gloucestershire "Colts" at practice. New left-handed bowler promises well. By George Clausen, A.R.A.</p></div></td>
+       <td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 150px;"><a href="images/220-f-400.png"><img src="images/220-f-150.png" width="150" height="132" alt="No. 195. All snuggled up!" /></a>
+<p>No. 195. All snuggled up! The President is compelled to economise space!</p></div></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<h3 class="sans">A. R. AT THE R. A.</h3>
+
+<p class="title1">(<i>I.e., A Representative at the Royal Academy.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 150px;"><a href="images/220-h-320.png"><img src="images/220-h-150.png" width="150" height="365" alt="No. 172. Couldn't 'e Padmore?" /></a>
+<p>No. 172. Couldn't 'e Padmore? By John S. Sargent, A.R.A.</p></div>
+
+<p>Anyone arriving at Burlington House so early as to be the first person to pay
+his money and take his choice, will probably look straight before him, and will
+feel somewhat confused at seeing in the distance, but exactly opposite him, a
+dignified figure wearing a chain of office, politely rising to receive the early
+visitor. "It can be no other than the President himself," will at once occur to
+the stranger within the gates; "and yet, did I not hear that he was abroad for
+the benefit of his health?" Then, just as he is about to bow his acknowledgments
+of the courtesy extended to him personally by the Chief Representative
+of Art in this country, he will notice seated, at the President's left hand, and
+staring at him, with a pen in his hand, ready either to take down the name of
+the visitor, or to make a sketch of him, a gentleman in whose lineaments anyone
+having the pleasure of being personally acquainted with Mr. <span class="sc">Stacy
+Marks</span>,
+R.A., would at once recognise those of that distinguished humourist in
+bird-painting.
+"Is there wisions about?" will the puzzled visitor quote to himself,
+and then boldly advancing, hat in hand, to be soon replaced on head, he will
+come face to face with the biggest picture in the Academy, covering almost the
+entire wall.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 200px;"><a href="images/220-i-400.png"><img src="images/220-i-200.png" width="200" height="306" alt="No. 277. The G. O. M. at Cannes." /></a>
+<p>No. 277. The G. O. M. at Cannes. By T. Graham.</p></div>
+
+<p>The stately figure is not Sir <span class="sc">Frederic Leighton, P.R.A.</span>, who
+unfortunately has been compelled to go abroad for the benefit of his
+health&mdash;<i>prosit!</i>&mdash;nor is
+the seated figure Mr. <span class="sc">S. Marks</span>; but the former is "<i>The Bürgermeister of
+Landsberg, Bavaria</i>," and the latter is his secretary, while the other
+figures, all likenesses, are "his Town Council" in solemn deliberative assembly. The picture,
+an admirable one, and, as will be pretty generally admitted, a masterpiece of
+the master's, is No. 436 in the book, the work of Meister <span class="sc">Hubert Herkomer,
+R.A.</span></p>
+
+<p>But as this is in Gallery No. VI., and as it is not every one who will be
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page221" id="page221"></a>[pg 221]</span>
+privileged to see the picture as the early bird has seen it, and as
+some few others may, perhaps, see it during the season, this
+Representative retraces his steps from No. VI., and commences
+<i>de novo</i> with No. 1.</p>
+
+<p>No. 17. "<i>Finan Haddie</i>," fresh as ever, caught by <span class="sc">J. C. Hook,
+R.A.</span> Title, of course, should have been "<i>Finan Haddie Hook'd</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Sir <span class="sc">John Millais'</span> <i>St. Stephen</i> (<i>not</i> a parliamentary
+subject),
+showing that Good Sir <span class="sc">John's</span> hand has lost none of its cunning,
+is No. 18; and after bowing politely to Mrs. <span class="sc">Johnson-Ferguson</span>,
+and pausing before this charming picture by <span class="sc">Luke Fildes, R.A.</span>, to
+take a last Luke at her, you will pass on, please, to No. 25, "<i>The
+Fisherman and the Jin</i>," and will wonder why <span class="sc">Val. C. Prinsep, R.A.</span>,
+spells the cordial spirit with a "J" instead of a "G." It is a
+spirited composition.</p>
+
+<p>No. 31. Mr. <span class="sc">John S. Sargent, A.</span>, let "<i>Mrs. Ernest Hills</i>" go out
+of his studio in a hurry. She is evidently "to be finished in his next."</p>
+
+<p>No. 34. "<i>A Quiet Rehearsal.</i>" Lady Amateur all alone, book in
+hand, to which she is not referring, trying to remember her part and
+say it off by heart. It is by <span class="sc">W. B. Richmond, A.</span> To quote a cigarette
+paper, this work may be fairly entitled "A Richmond Gem."</p>
+
+<p>No. 43. "<i>Evening.</i>" By <span class="sc">B. W. Leader</span>, A. Delightful.
+Artistic aspirants in this line cannot play a better game than that of
+"Follow my Leader."</p>
+
+<p>This Representative recognised "<i>Dr. Jameson, C.B.</i>," by
+<span class="sc">Herkomer</span>, at a glance. If you are asked by anyone to look at
+"<i>Hay Boat</i>" do not correct him and say "You mean <i>A</i> Boat,"
+or you will find yourself in the wrong boat, but admire <span class="sc">Hilda
+Montalba's</span> painting, and pass on to <span class="sc">Ouless, R.A.</span>'s, excellent
+portrait of "<i>J. J. Aubertin</i>" (a compound name, whose first two
+syllables suggest delightful music while the last syllable means
+money); thence welcome our old friend <span class="sc">Frith, R.A.</span>, who, in 67, [and
+a trifle over, eh?] shows us "<i>Mrs. Gresham and Her Little Daughter</i>."
+From the "little D.'s" expressive face may be gathered that she
+has just received a "Gresham Lecture." After noting No. 73 and 83
+(the unhappily separated twins) together, you may look on No. 126.
+Two fierce animals deer-stalking in a wild mountainous region,
+painted by <i>Arthur Wardle</i>. Only from what coign of vantage did
+Mr. <span class="sc">Wardle</span>, the artist, make this life-like sketch? However, he
+came out of the difficulty safe and sound, and we are as glad to
+welcome a "<i>Wardle</i>" as we should be to see his ancient associate
+"<i>Pickwick</i>," or a "<i>Weller</i>," in Burlington House.</p>
+
+<p>No. 139. Charming is Sir F. <span class="sc">Leighton's</span> "<i>Fair One with the
+Golden Locks</i>." To complete the picture the hairdresser should have
+been thrown in. She is <i>en peignoir</i>, and evidently awaiting his visit.
+This is the key to these locks.</p>
+
+<p>No. 242. Mr. <span class="sc">Andrew C. Gow, R.A.</span>, gives us <span class="sc">Buonaparte</span> riding
+on the sands with a party of officers, "1805." The Emperor is cantering
+ahead of the staff. Another title might be "<i>Going Nap at Boulogne</i>."</p>
+
+<p>No. 160. "<i>A Lion Tamer's Private Rehearsal.</i>" But <span class="sc">Briton
+Rivière, R.A.</span>, calls it "<i>Ph&oelig;bus Apollo</i>."</p>
+
+<p>No. 251. Queer incident in the life of a respectable middle-aged
+gentleman. Like <i>Mr. Pickwick</i>, he has mistaken his room in the hotel,
+and has gone to bed. Suddenly, lady, in brilliant diamond tiara, returns
+from ball, and finds him there. The noise she makes in opening the
+curtains awakes him. He starts up alarmed. "Hallo!" he cries, and
+for the moment the ballad of "<i>Margaret's Grim Ghosts</i>" recurs to
+his mind. His next thought is, "How fortunate I went to bed in my
+copper-coloured pyjamas, with a red cummerbund round me." Of
+course he apologised, and withdrew. What happened subsequently
+is not revealed by the artist who has so admirably depicted this
+effective scene, and whose name is Sir <span class="sc">John Millais</span>, Bart., R.A.</p>
+
+<p>No. 368. Excellent likeness, by Mr. <i>Arthur S. Cope</i>, of the well-known
+and popular parson <span class="sc">Rogers</span>. <i>A Parsona Grata</i>. This
+typical old-fashioned English clergyman, who, in ordinary ministerial
+functions, would be the very last person to be associated with a
+"chasuble," will henceforth never be dissociated from a "<span class="sc">Cope</span>."</p>
+
+<p>No. 491. A picture by Mr. <span class="sc">Fred Roe</span>. If <span class="sc">Nelson's</span> enemies had
+only known of this incident in his lifetime!! Here is our great
+naval hero, evidently "half seas over," being personally conducted
+through some by-streets of Portsmouth, on his way back to the
+<i>Victory</i>, in order to avoid the crowd. Rather a hard <span class="sc">Roe</span>, this.</p>
+
+<p>No. 767. Congratulations to <span class="sc">T. B. Kennington</span> on his "<i>Alderman
+George Doughty, J.P.</i>," or, as the name might be from the characteristic
+colouring, Alderman <span class="sc">Deorge Gouhty</span>, which is quite in
+keeping with the proverbial aldermanic tradition.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">A Little Mixed.</span>&mdash;In its account of the private view at the Royal
+Academy the <i>Daily News</i> says:&mdash;"The Countess of <span class="sc">Malmesbury</span>
+studied the sculpture in a harmonious costume of striped black and
+pink, and a picture hat trimmed with pink roses." This is presumably
+the result of the influence of Mr. <span class="sc">Horsley</span>. But isn't it
+going a little too far, at least to begin with? A piece of sculpture&mdash;say,
+a Venus&mdash;in a harmonious costume of striped black and pink
+might pass. But the addition of a picture hat trimmed with pink
+roses is surely fatal.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 330px;"><a href="images/221-900.png"><img src="images/221-330.png" width="330" height="475" alt="A NASTY ONE." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">A NASTY ONE.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Disgusted Sculptor.</i> "<span class="sc">So you've got the Line in Two Places,
+have you? Hang me if I don't give up Art, and go in for
+Painting!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>AT THE BANQUET, SATURDAY, MAY 4.</h2>
+
+<p>Chair of absent President ably filled by Sir <span class="sc">John Millais</span>, who,
+pluckily struggling against evidently painful hoarseness, made, in
+returning thanks, an exceptionally graceful, touching, and altogether
+memorable speech. Odd to note that, had Sir <span class="sc">John</span>, speaking
+hoarsely, broken down, we should have heard his <i>remplaçant</i>
+Horsley speaking. <i>The</i> incident, however, which will mark this
+banquet as unique in Academical records, was Sir <span class="sc">John's</span> mistaking
+one Archbishop for the other, and, in consequence, pleasantly indicating
+by a polite bow to the prelate on his left, that he called upon
+<i>him</i>, the Archbishop of <span class="sc">York</span>, to reply for the visitors.
+"<span class="sc">York</span>,
+you're wanted," said, in effect, the genial Sir <span class="sc">John</span>, utterly ignoring
+the presence of His Grace of <span class="sc">Canterbury</span>. Whereupon, <span class="sc">Canterbury</span>
+collapsed, while the Northern Primate, vainly attempting to
+dissemble his delight, professed his utter surprise, his total unpreparedness,
+and straightforth hastened to improve the occasion. But
+before fifty words had passed the jubilant Prelate's lips, Sir <span class="sc">John</span>,
+having discovered his mistake, rose quickly in his stirrups, so to
+speak, and pulled up the impetuous <span class="sc">York</span> just then getting into his
+stride. Genially beaming on the slighted <span class="sc">Canterbury</span>, Sir <span class="sc">John</span>
+called on "The Primate of All England" (a snub this for <span class="sc">York</span>) to
+return thanks. "One Archbishop very like another Archbishop,"
+chuckled the unabashed Sir <span class="sc">John</span> to himself, as he resumed his seat,
+"but quite forgot that <span class="sc">York</span> as Chaplain to Academy is 'His Grace
+<i>before</i> dinner,' and <span class="sc">Canterbury</span> represents 'Grace <i>after</i>
+dinner.'"
+"'Twas ever thus," muttered <span class="sc">York</span>, moodily eyeing the last drop in
+his champagne-glass, as he mentally recalled ancient ecclesiastical
+quarrels between the two provinces, from which the Southern Prelate
+had issued victorious. <span class="sc">Canterbury</span> flattered, but, fluttered, lost
+his chance. His Royal Highness's speech brief, comprehensive,
+effective. Lord <span class="sc">Rosebery</span> entertaining. "The rest is silence," or
+better if it had been. No more at present. Good luck to the
+Academy Show of 1895.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page222" id="page222"></a>[pg 222]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/222-1500.png"><img src="images/222-600.png" width="600" height="383" alt="COLD COMFORT!" /></a>
+
+<h3 class="sans">COLD COMFORT!</h3>
+
+<p><i>Aunt Phillida.</i> "<span class="sc">The last time I went to a grown-up Fancy Ball, I went
+as a <i>Wasp</i>. That was only Ten Years ago.
+I don't suppose I shall ever again go to a Fancy Ball as a <i>Wasp!</i></span>"</p>
+
+<p class="rindent">[<i>Sighs deeply.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mary.</i> "<span class="sc">Hardly as a <i>Wasp</i>, Aunt Phillida. But you'd look very
+splendid as a Bumble-Bee!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>THE UP-TO-DATE DUCKLINGS.</h3>
+
+<p class="title1">(<i>A Fable.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>A Duck that had lately succeeded in hatching
+a fine brood of ducklings, and was much
+concerned on the point of their polite education,
+took them down to the river one day in
+order to teach them to swim.</p>
+
+<p>"See, my dears!" she said when they were
+all got to the bank, addressing her brood in
+encouraging accents, "this is the way to do
+it," and so saying the old duck pushed off
+from the land, in evident expectation that
+her young ones would follow her.</p>
+
+<p>The Ducklings, however, instead of coming
+after their mother, remained on the bank, talking
+and laughing and whispering among themselves
+in a very knowing manner; until at
+last the old bird, provoked by their levity and
+wondering what ailed them, called out sharply
+to them from mid-stream to come into the
+water at once; upon which one of the Ducklings,
+who had evidently been constituted
+spokesman for the rest, made bold to address
+his mother in the following words.</p>
+
+<p>"You must be a simpleton indeed, Madam,"
+said he, "to imagine that we are going to do
+anything so foolish as to endanger our lives in
+the reckless fashion in which you are now exposing
+yours; for though it may be true that
+in obedience to some unwritten law of nature
+(unknown at present to us) you are floating
+securely upon the surface of the stream, instead
+of sinking to the bottom of it, yet it by
+no means follows from thence that we should
+do the same thing, supposing we were so foolish
+as to follow your example. Rest assured, dear
+Madam," continued the Duckling, "that so
+soon as we have sifted this matter to the
+bottom for ourselves, we shall act on the knowledge
+of it, according as our experience may
+suggest to us; but for the present, at any rate,
+we prefer to remain where we are."</p>
+
+<p>And so saying, the Duckling, accompanied
+by the rest of the brood, turned his back on
+his natural element, and returned forthwith
+to the poultry-yard.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>A PHILISTINE PÆAN;</h3>
+
+<p class="title1"><i>Or, The Triumph of the Timid One.</i></p>
+
+<div class="poem width27">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>At last! I see signs of a turn in the tide,</p>
+<p class="i2">And O, I perceive it with infinite gratitude.</p>
+<p>No more need I go with a crick in my side</p>
+<p class="i2">In attempts to preserve a non-natural attitude.</p>
+<p><i>Something</i> has changed in the season, <i>somewhere</i>;</p>
+<p>I'm sure I can feel a cool whiff of fresh air!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Mental malaria worse than the <i>grippe</i></p>
+<p class="i2">Has asphyxiated my mind, or choke-damped it.</p>
+<p>The plain honest truth has been strange to my lip;</p>
+<p class="i2">I've shammed it, and fudged it, humbugged it and vamped it</p>
+<p>Till I wasn't I, self-respect was all gone,</p>
+<p>And I hadn't a taste that I dared call my own.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I do <i>not</i> love horror. I do <i>not</i> like muck;</p>
+<p class="i2">And mystical muddle to me is abhorrent.</p>
+<p>In Stygian shallows long time I have stuck,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or, like a dead dog on a sewage-fouled torrent,</p>
+<p>Have gone with the stream; but beyond the least doubt</p>
+<p>I'm grateful&mdash;<i>so</i> much&mdash;for a chance to creep out.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Egomania it seems then is <i>not</i> the last word</p>
+<p class="i2">Of latter-day wisdom! By Jove I <i>am</i> glad!</p>
+<p>I always <i>did</i> feel it was highly absurd</p>
+<p class="i2">To worship the maudlin, and aim at the mad;</p>
+<p>And now, there's a chance for the decent again,</p>
+<p>One may relish one's <span class="sc">Dickens</span>, yet not seem insane!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The ghoulish-grotesque, and the grimy-obscure,</p>
+<p class="i2">I <i>have</i> tried to gloat on in poem and prose,</p>
+<p>But oh! all the while there seemed something impure</p>
+<p class="i2">In the <i>sniff</i> of the thing that tormented my nose;</p>
+<p>And as to High Art&mdash;well, to me it seemed <i>high</i>,</p>
+<p>Like an over-hung hare&mdash;only food for the fly.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Yet <i>I</i> didn't dare say that I felt it to be</p>
+<p class="i2">Pseudo-sphinxian fudge, and sheer Belial bosh;</p>
+<p>Or that after Art-babble at five o'clock tea,</p>
+<p class="i2">I felt that the thing I most craved was&mdash;a wash;</p>
+<p>Because in the view of the Mystical School,</p>
+<p>That would just write you down a mere Philistine fool.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I am not <i>quite</i> sure that I <i>quite</i> understand</p>
+<p class="i2">How they've suddenly found all our fads are degenerate;</p>
+<p>Why <span class="sc">Maeterlinck</span>, <span class="sc">Ibsen</span>, <span class="sc">Verlaine</span>, <span class="sc">Sarah Grand</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2"><span class="sc">Tolstoi</span>, <span class="sc">Grant Allen</span>, <span class="sc">Zola</span>, are "lumped"&mdash;but, at any rate,</p>
+<p>I know I'm relieved from one horrible bore,&mdash;</p>
+<p><i>I need not admire what I hate any more</i>.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page223" id="page223"></a>[pg 223]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/223-1100.png"><img src="images/223-370.png" width="370" height="486" alt="THE BIRMINGHAM BENEDICK." /></a>
+<h2 class="big">THE BIRMINGHAM BENEDICK.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Mr. J-s-ph Ch-mb-rl-n</span> (<i>as "Benedick"</i>). "DOTH NOT THE APPETITE
+CHANGE? A MAN LOVES THE MEAT IN HIS YOUTH THAT HE CANNOT ENDURE IN HIS AGE.... WHEN I SAID I WOULD DIE AN
+INDEPENDENT RADICAL, I DID NOT THINK I SHOULD LIVE TO BE ALLIED WITH A TORY PARTY."</p>
+
+<p class="rindent"><i>Much Ado About Nothing</i>, Act II., Sc. 3 (<i>slightly "modified"</i>).</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page224" id="page224"></a>[pg 224]</span><br /></p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page225" id="page225"></a>[pg 225]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/225-1000.png"><img src="images/225-450.png" width="450" height="476" alt="DRURIOLANUS THE CHEF, OPENS THE OPERATIC PIE." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">DRURIOLANUS THE CHEF, OPENS THE OPERATIC PIE.</h3>
+
+<p class="title1b">"<span class="sc">When the Pie was open</span><br />
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<span class="sc">The Birds began to sing.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 class="sans">BLIND ALLEY-GORIES.</h2>
+
+<p class="title2"><span class="sc">By Dunno Währiar.</span></p>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Translated from the original Lappish by Mr. Punch's own
+Hyperborean Enthusiast.</i>)</p>
+
+<h3><span class="sc">No. IV.&mdash;Signs and Wonders.</span></h3>
+
+<p>I sat on the beach one forenoon in midsummer. A great number
+of people were doing much the same. The rhapsodists and orators,
+the blameless Ethiopians with their barbaric instruments of music,
+the itinerant magicians with their wands, the statuesque groups
+posed before the tripod of the photographer, the snow-white sea-chariots
+with crimson wheels, the bare-legged riders on antique
+steeds, made me fancy I was gazing at a scene of Southern Hellenic
+life. Why I know not&mdash;for it was not in the least like.</p>
+
+<p>Then I saw an enormous black hand stretch down over the fjord.
+I was not alarmed, for I am becoming accustomed to apparitions of
+this kind.</p>
+
+<p>It set weird signs and black marks upon the railings of the jetty,
+and on the white sides of the bathing machines, and on the sails of
+the fishing-boats, and when I turned about, the parade itself
+was plastered with tablets.</p>
+
+<p>And on all things had the New Lawgiver incised in letters of gold
+and azure and purple upon shining tables the new commandments:<br />
+"Use Skäuerskjin's Soap!"; "Try Tommeliden Tonic!"; "Buy
+Boömpvig's Pills!"; "Ask for Baldersen's Hairwash!"</p>
+
+<p>And I heard the voice of the wild waves saying, as they lapped up
+over the cheap sandshoes and saturated paper bags full of gingerbread
+nuts:</p>
+
+<p>"This is the new moral law. That men should cherish the outside
+and insides of their bodies, and keep them clean, like precious
+vessels of brass and copper. Rather to let the picturesque perish
+than forget for a moment which is the best soap for the complexion,
+and which will not wash clothes. Never to see a ship spreading her
+canvas like a sea bird without associations of a Purifying Saline
+Draught or a Relishing Pickle. To ask and see that ye procure!"</p>
+
+<p>Then I looked into the heavens above me, and behold, high above
+the esplanade hung a hand, enormous as the one that had set its
+marks on everything below, but white, white; and it held a brush
+and wrote until the sky was full of signs, and they had form and
+colour, but not of this world, and those who ran could read them.</p>
+
+<p>And I bought a shell-box and a bath bun, and closed my eyes, and
+lay musing in an agony of soul. Suddenly I felt the pain snap, and
+something grow in me, and I saw in my soul's dawning the great
+half-opened shell of a strange oyster.</p>
+
+<p>And this oyster has its bed on my very heart, and it is <i>my</i> salt
+tears that nourish it, and it grows <i>inside</i>, invisible to all but me.</p>
+
+<p>But I know that, when the oyster opens, I shall find within its
+shell, like a gleaming dove-coloured pearl, the great Panacea of the
+To Be; and, if you ask me to explain my meaning more fully, I
+reply that the bearings of this blind allegory lie in the application
+thereof, and that ye are a blow-fly brood of dull-witted hucksters.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 class="sq">A FIRST STEP<br />
+
+<small>TOWARDS HISTRIONICS.&mdash;II.</small></h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Under the guidance of Herr Goethemann.</i>)</p>
+
+<ul class="none">
+<li><i>Questioner.</i> You were good enough to promise me at our next
+meeting a specimen of the Author-publisher's dramatic manner.</li>
+
+<li><i>Answer.</i> With pleasure. I will read it to you.</li>
+</ul>
+
+<p>"<i>Afternoon. Two-pair suburban back. Upright piano. High-minded
+table.</i> <span class="sc">Henry</span> (<i>dramatic author and host</i>) <i>under it, heavy
+with wine.</i> <span class="sc">Romeo</span> (<i>his friend and Town Blood</i>) <i>communing
+with</i>
+<span class="sc">Mary Ann</span> (<i>local ingénue</i>). <span class="sc">Eliza</span> (<i>her sister and
+hostess</i>) <i>outside
+just now, making coffee. She will come in presently, and realise</i>
+<span class="sc">Dramatic Moment</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mary Ann.</i> Get up, Henry, and give us a regular old rousing
+tune.</p>
+
+<p><i>Henry</i> (<i>huskily, emerging from retreat</i>). What shall it be?</p>
+
+<p><i>Romeo.</i> Oh, anything. <span class="sc">Wagner</span> for choice.</p>
+
+<p class="rindent1">[<i>Gifted musician obliges with a pot pourri of 'Parsifal,'</i>
+<span class="sc">Romeo</span> <i>absently whistling the trombone part</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mary Ann.</i> Ripping! Now something classical. Let's have
+'<i>After the Ball</i>.' Come on, <span class="sc">Romeo</span>, we'll waltz; push back the
+fire-place. (<i>They push back the fire-place;</i> <span class="sc">Romeo</span> <i>grasps</i>
+<span class="sc">Mary
+Ann</span>, <i>and they revolve. He kisses her on the cheek</i> <span class="sc">l. c.</span>)
+Well, I
+never did! For shame! I decline to dance with you. There!</p>
+
+<p class="rindent1">[<i>Declines to dance with him.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Henry.</i> One for <i>you</i>, my buck! Cheer up, <span class="sc">Mary Ann</span>;
+<i>I</i>'ll give
+you a turn.</p>
+
+<p class="rindent1">[<i>Pirouettes twice with her, humming suitable air.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mary Ann</i> (<i>rendered completely breathless</i>). It's not like real
+dancing when you only <i>hum!</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Henry.</i> Can't play and dance at same time, you know. Piano too
+stationary. So you must take <span class="sc">Romeo</span> on again, or go without.</p>
+
+<p><i>Eliza</i> (<i>entering with coffee-tray and realising situation</i>). Well, I
+declare! Having high jinks while I was making the coffee. What
+dramatic irony!</p>
+
+<p class="rindent1">[<span class="sc">Romeo</span> <i>gallantly invites her to join the giddy throng. They
+dance.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Eliza</i> (<i>rendered completely breathless</i>). My soul! I'm in bad
+training!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mary Ann</i> (<i>having got her second wind</i>). Have a turn with <i>me</i>,
+<span class="sc">Eliza</span>! <span class="sc">Romeo</span> 's no good; he misses out every other bar.</p>
+
+<p><i>Eliza.</i> Want my coffee. No wind left.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<span class="sc">Henry</span> <i>spontaneously sings a Lullaby of</i> <span class="sc">Brahms'</span>. <i>Stops in
+middle to see what they all think of it. They all think
+a lot of it. Goes on singing. Only</i> <span class="sc">Eliza</span> <i>goes on thinking
+a lot of it. Others talk quite loud</i>, <span class="sc">Romeo</span> <i>being a Town
+Blood.</i> <span class="sc">Henry</span> <i>finishes, under conviction that they have no
+manners to speak of. Mind wanders off to the leading lady
+in his new piece, and he drops inadvertently into 'Daisy'
+waltz.</i> <span class="sc">Eliza</span> <i>waits for second wind.</i> <span class="sc">Romeo</span> <i>grapples with</i>
+<span class="sc">Mary Ann</span>, <i>the latter reluctant. She is rapt away in mazy
+whirl, kicking feebly. He again kisses her on the cheek,
+this time</i> <span class="sc">r. c.</span>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Eliza.</i> Man! I saw you! It was a wanton act.</p>
+
+<p><i>Henry</i> (<i>casually</i>). Anything broken?</p>
+
+<p><i>Eliza.</i> Oh, <span class="sc">Henry</span>! He went and kissed my <span class="sc">Mary Ann</span>, my
+own
+sister!</p>
+
+<p><i>Romeo</i> (<i>with easy bravado</i>). A mere nothing, I assure you. She's
+so provoking, don't you know? Had to do it in self-defence.</p>
+
+<p><i>Eliza.</i> It is contrary to established etiquette in <i>our</i> circles.
+<span class="sc">Mary
+Ann</span>, how <i>could</i> you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mary Ann.</i> I didn't. It was him. I shall scream another time.</p>
+
+<p><i>Eliza.</i> Man, you will oblige me by treating my sister as you would
+your own.</p>
+
+<p class="rindent1">[<i>Exit with crushing expression which leaves</i> <span class="sc">Romeo</span> <i>intact.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mary Ann.</i> <span class="sc">Eliza</span> talks rot. (<i>To</i> <span class="sc">Romeo</span>.) Not that
+you're not
+a beast, all the same.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<i>Exit in two frames of mind.</i> <span class="sc">Henry</span> <i>laughs and makes light of
+osculation. The men converse. The plot becomes even more
+intricate. The end is nigh.</i>"
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<ul class="none">
+<li><i>Question.</i> Do I miss the purpose of the Author-publisher?</li>
+
+<li><i>Answer.</i> I should think it highly improbable.</li>
+
+<li><i>Q.</i> But why did he write it?</li>
+
+<li><i>A.</i> It is a "problem-play," and that, as I said, is the problem.</li>
+</ul>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Cheering.</span>&mdash;Liberal Party much encouraged by East Wicklow
+and East Leeds. "Wisdom from the East," they call it.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page226" id="page226"></a>[pg 226]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/226-1000.png"><img src="images/226-350.png" width="350" height="478" alt="A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Nervous Youth.</i> "<span class="sc">Well&mdash;er&mdash;good-bye, Mrs. Thomas. Awfully glad I met
+you! Er&mdash;so
+good of you&mdash;so much pleasanter than Riding alone!</span>"</p>
+
+<p class="rindent">[<i>Shuts up.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>FROM CORINTO TO HERNE BAY.</h2>
+
+<p class="title1">(<i>An Anglo-Nicaraguan Parallel.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>The young Midshipman looked towards
+Corinto. The public buildings were still
+within range of the monster guns. The select
+army of one hundred and fifty had retired
+before the advance of the blue jackets and
+marines. All was tranquil, and, as he gazed
+upon the Nicaraguan capital, his eyes closed,
+and he dreamed a dream.</p>
+
+<p>He was once more in England. He was at
+the seaside. Here in front of him were
+bathing-machines. There, to his right, was
+a circulating library. He could see a clock-tower
+and a shortened pier. Then he laughed
+in his glee. He was at Herne Bay! Close
+to the Isle of Thanet&mdash;within sight of the
+Reculvers!</p>
+
+<p>He had scarcely realised his happiness, when
+he noticed on the ocean a flotilla. Three
+gigantic ironclads were approaching the
+tranquil town!</p>
+
+<p>"The Nicaraguan fleet!" he murmured in
+his sleep.</p>
+
+<p>It, alas! was too true! The Central
+American Admiral had sent an ultimatum. The
+news had run from one end of Herne Bay to the
+other that, unless the sum demanded were
+paid at once, the as-yet-unconquered watering-place
+would be "ploughed," as the Poet
+<span class="sc">Bunn</span> would have put it, "by the hoof of the
+ruthless invader."</p>
+
+<p>Then there was a hurried consultation.
+What could be done with that overpowering
+fleet? It was useless to defend the bathing-machines;
+the donkeys and their drivers were
+no match for heavy ordnance. What could
+the few coast-guardsmen do when threatened
+by five hundred Nicaraguans?</p>
+
+<p>"Herne Bay must surrender!" murmured
+the Midshipman in his sleep. "There is no
+help for it."</p>
+
+<p>And then came a strange sight. The
+search-lights of the Nicaraguan fleet played
+upon the sea front, and the little garrison of
+Herne Bay retired towards Birchington and
+Margate. The Band (lent from the Militia)
+marched away, followed by the heavy cavalry
+of the bathers, and the Uhlan-like donkeys
+of the sands. The representatives of the Navy
+(carrying their look-out telescopes) brought
+up the rear.</p>
+
+<p>Then, when all had gone, the sailors and
+marines of the Nicaraguan fleet landed. The
+British flag was hauled down, and replaced
+by the colours of the enemy.</p>
+
+<p>Herne Bay was conquered!</p>
+
+<p>At this point the Midshipman awoke with
+a start. He looked round, and sighed a great
+sigh of relief.</p>
+
+<p>"How fortunate it is that the English fleet
+have conquered Corinto and not the Nicaraguan
+fleet Herne Bay!" he cried in an
+ecstacy of patriotic fervour. Then he performed
+for hours the duties of his command.
+Towards the close of day he again casually
+glanced at Corinto and once more was involuntarily
+reminded of Herne Bay. And as
+he gazed upon the Central American town he
+came to the conclusion that it was about as
+formidable and about as well defended as the
+Kentish watering-place. And having arrived
+at this opinion he determined in his own mind
+that the taking of Corinto, as a feat of arms,
+was scarcely on a par with the Victory of
+Trafalgar.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>TO A GRAND OLD MANNS.</h3>
+
+<p class="title1">(<i>On his Seventieth Birthday.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem width18">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>To <span class="sc">Manns</span> of Crystal Palace fame,</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>Punch</i> sends his kindly greeting.</p>
+<p>The ever keen, the never tame,</p>
+<p class="i2">Time may he long be beating</p>
+<p>(For Time it seems cannot beat him).</p>
+<p class="i2">Time's darts may he resist all</p>
+<p>With <i>bâton</i> brisk and eyes un-dim.</p>
+<p class="i2">Beneath that dome of Crystal&mdash;</p>
+<p>For many a year! And decades hence</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>Punch</i> hopes it may befa' that</p>
+<p>He'll shout, before that choir immense,</p>
+<p class="i2">"A <i>Manns'</i> a Man for a' that!"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">A Classic Candidate.</span>&mdash;Mr. <span class="sc">Homer</span> in
+West Dorset is the Independent Farmers'
+Candidate. He is, of course, more than a
+positive "Home Ruler," being a comparative
+hopeful "<span class="sc">Homer</span> Ruler." But surely the
+language of <span class="sc">Homer</span> must be Greek to most
+of his hearers, even at Bridport, and in view
+of the <i>poluphoisboio thalasses</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>THE RAD TO THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER.</h3>
+
+<p class="title1">(<i>On the Humdrum Budget.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem width18">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Just "As you were"! Ingenious, fair,</p>
+<p class="i2">And all that, I've no doubt;</p>
+<p>But titled swells you do not scare,</p>
+<p class="i2">Nor rich monopolists flout.</p>
+<p>I tolerate where I would praise.</p>
+<p class="i2">Reform <i>is</i> a slow grower!</p>
+<p><i>My</i> spirits, <span class="sc">Will</span>, it will not raise,</p>
+<p class="i2">To see <i>your</i> spirits lower!</p>
+<p>Free Breakfast Table? Graduation?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Chances seem getting fewer:</p>
+<p>Well <span class="sc">Will</span>, my only consolation</p>
+<p class="i2">Is this&mdash;you've "copped the brewer!"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind">In the title of his new book, "<span class="sc">Anthony
+Hope</span>" has taken the Roman <i>prénom</i> which
+evidently by right belonged to him. There is
+no comma, nor introduction of "by," and
+so straight off we read in golden letters
+on the back, "<i>A Man of Mark Anthony
+Hope</i>." O Brave <span class="sc">Mark Anthony</span>! His
+readers have great faith in <span class="sc">Hope</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Parliamentary.</span>&mdash;The nearest approach to
+a dead-lock is a live (J. G.) <span class="sc">Weir</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page227" id="page227"></a>[pg 227]</span></p>
+
+<h2>NEW GALLERY QUERIES.</h2>
+
+<p>Is Mr. <span class="sc">Hitchcock's</span> "<i>Flight
+into Egypt</i>" a view of Dartmoor?
+and what are all those blue
+flowers? Borage, blue currants,
+corn-flowers, "new broom," gorse
+dyed blue for this occasion only,
+or what? I have been offered all
+these random suggestions by distinguished
+critics, but they somehow
+don't seem convincing.</p>
+
+<p>Why are the competitors in the
+charming swimming-match between
+Mermaids and Tritons so
+remarkably <i>dry</i> in the upper
+parts? I always get decidedly
+damp when I enter the sea, but
+these ladies take to it like ducks&mdash;"<i>Dux
+f&oelig;mina facti</i>" (as said an
+ancient poet in anticipation)&mdash;and
+so I suppose the water rolls off
+their backs.</p>
+
+<p>Will "<i>Her First Offering</i>" of
+grass and daisies go far towards
+softening the heart of a statuette?
+Her sister, last year, had a much
+more tempting "<i>Gift for the
+Gods</i>," but there is no accounting
+for divinities' tastes.</p>
+
+<p>What does Mr. <span class="sc">Kpoffnh</span>&mdash;dear
+me, I can <i>not</i> get his name right?&mdash;mean
+by "<i>Sous les Arbres?</i>"
+Is it a man or a statue, a spook or
+a symbol? Why does he wear a
+marble wig? Why does his brown
+hair show underneath it? Why
+has he got a wall eye? Why is he
+"under the trees?" Why is he
+at large at all? Why&mdash;&mdash; But
+there, I give it up! I don't believe
+there are any answers to
+these conundrums!</p>
+
+<p>How is it I've been looking at
+"<i>Kit</i>" for two whole minutes
+before realising that there's a
+Persian cat in the composition? But
+she's a real beauty, when you <i>do</i>
+coax her out of this "puzzle
+picture."</p>
+
+<p>Why (this is no new query!)
+have Sir <span class="sc">Edward Burne-Jones'</span>
+Luciferians and Sleeping Beauties
+and peeresses and children and
+brides one and all the same world-weary
+expression? Why do they,
+without exception, look as if they
+were off to a funeral, or had just
+seen themselves in the glass? Are
+there no other colours in the land
+but dull green, steel-blue, ink-purple,
+and brick-red? Why do
+I immediately want to commit
+suicide after studying these masterpieces?
+Why doesn't Psyche
+cheer up a bit, even though she
+<i>is</i> going to be married? <i>She</i>
+wasn't a <ins title="Greek: nea gunê"><i>&nu;&#8051;&alpha; &gamma;&upsilon;&nu;&#8053;</i></ins>, I'm sure!</p>
+
+<p>Why does the dog in Mr. <span class="sc">Holman
+Hunt's</span> picture look as if it
+had softening of the brain? and
+why do I pass on hurriedly to the
+next picture?</p>
+
+<p>Will Miss <span class="sc">Rehan's</span> left shoulder
+hold up her dress much longer,
+I wonder, in Mr. <span class="sc">Sargent's</span> portrait?
+I don't know, but I <i>have</i>
+fears!</p>
+
+<p>Is the lady in Mrs. <span class="sc">Swynnerton's</span>
+"<i>Sense of Sight</i>" preparing
+to catch a cricket ball, or cutting
+an acquaintance, or going to recite
+something? I <i>should</i> like to
+know.</p>
+
+<p>Why couldn't some enterprising
+dentist supply the ladies in
+"<i>Echoes</i>" with false teeth, and
+why weren't they taken away
+quietly home, and not allowed to
+exhibit their other anatomical
+innovations? Echo answers to
+these and all my queries, "Why,
+indeed?"</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/227-900.png"><img src="images/227-340.png" width="340" height="468" alt="A PROGNOSIS." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">A PROGNOSIS.</h3>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">By the way, Doctor, the 'New Woman,' don'tcherknow&mdash;what'll
+<i>she</i> be like, when she's grown old?</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">My dear Colonel, <i>she</i>'ll never grow old!</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Great Scott! You don't mean to say she's going to last
+for ever!</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">She won't even last out the Century! She's got every
+Malady under the Sun!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>The Chester Cup.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem width18">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The <i>Rock Dove</i> don't pooh-pooh,</p>
+<p class="i2">A dove can make a <i>coup;</i></p>
+<p>The odds? You yet may nobble 'em.</p>
+<p class="i4">'Tis four to one</p>
+<p class="i4">'Gainst <i>Son of a Gun</i>,</p>
+<p>But <i>Euclid</i> is a problem.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 class="sans">ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p class="title1">EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</p>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, April 29.</i>&mdash;When <i>Mr. Toots</i>, in
+agony of perturbed bashfulness, sat down on <i>Florence Dombey's</i>
+best bonnet, he murmured, "Oh, it's of no consequence." <span class="sc">Squire
+of Malwood</span> does not resemble <i>Mr. Toots</i> in any respect, not even
+that of bashfulness. But he has a way, when taking important
+move, of studiously investing it with appearance of "no consequence."
+Thus to-night, asking for lion's share of time for remaining
+portion of Session, he could hardly bring himself to uplift
+his voice: mumbled over phrases; coughed at conjunctions; half
+paralysed by prepositions; looked round with pained astonishment
+when Members behind cried, "Speak up!" Why should he trouble
+to speak up on so immaterial a matter? Still, to oblige, he would
+say all he wanted was to take for Government purposes, for rest
+of Session, all the time of House, save the inconvenient Wednesday
+afternoon sitting, and the inconsiderable Friday night.</p>
+
+<p>More marked this cultured mannerism when announcing immediate
+introduction of Bill prohibiting plural voting. This a genuine
+surprise. Not been talked of since House met. Nobody thinking of
+it. <span class="sc">Squire</span> in almost whisper announced its introduction to-morrow.
+Astonished beyond measure at commotion created; the boisterous
+cheers of Liberals, the uneasy laughter of Opposition.</p>
+
+<p>"Most remarkable place this House of Commons," he said afterwards,
+gazing over my head into the infinite horizon, where shadowy
+figure of Local Veto Bill is visible to the eye of faith. "Always full
+of surprises even for old practitioners like you and me."</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span>, much relishing this subtle humour, was himself
+in sprightliest mood. The whole business of Session, he protested,
+was an elaborate joke. If they were there to work, he would take
+off his coat and ding on with the best of them. But they were there
+to play. "Well, let us play," he said, holding out both hands with
+gesture of invitation to Treasury Bench.</p>
+
+<p>Proposal irresistible. House divided forthwith; <span class="sc">Squire's</span> motion
+carried by majority of 22; then, whilst half a dozen naval
+men talked water-tube boiler, <span class="sc">Prince Arthur, Squire of Malwood</span>,
+and picked company from either side went out behind
+<span class="sc">Speaker's</span> Chair to play. Such larks! To see <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> take
+in a stride "the backs" given him by the <span class="sc">Squire of Malwood</span>,
+with <span class="sc">Cawmel-Bannerman</span> next; to see <span class="sc">John Morley</span> seriously
+whipping a top; to watch <span class="sc">Bryce</span> breathless behind the nimble
+hoop; to look on while <span class="sc">Edward Grey</span>, forgetful of China and
+Japan, thinking nothing of Nicaragua, played a game of marbles
+with <span class="sc">Hart Dyke</span>; to see <span class="sc">Lockwood</span> trying a spurt with <span class="sc">Dick
+Webster</span>, the course being twice round the Division Lobby,
+<span class="sc">Asquith</span>, fresh from the Cab-arbitration, having handicapped them&mdash;to
+see this, and much else, was a spectacle wholesome for those
+engaged in it, interesting for the solitary spectator.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Shipbuilding Vote in Navy Estimates agreed to.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Odd thing that on this particular night, when
+Government bring in Bill prohibiting plurality of voting, <span class="sc">Bill</span>
+should bring in a Bill. His first and only Bill. Of course he might
+argue if we have one man one vote, one <span class="sc">Bill</span> one Bill is all
+right. Yes; but, as <span class="sc">Sark</span> with his keen mathematical instinct
+points out, this is a case of two Bills&mdash;<span class="sc">Bill</span>, the Member for Leek,
+and a Bill to empower magistrates to prohibit the sale of intoxicating
+liquors to persons previously convicted of drunkenness. That is
+obviously a plurality of Bills. But we are getting hopelessly mixed.
+The only man among us who sees clear is <span class="sc">John William</span>. Deep
+pathos in his voice as he says the time is near at hand when a tyrannical
+Government will attempt to enforce principle of "One Man
+One Drink."</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 250px;"><a href="images/228-650.png"><img src="images/228-250.png" width="250" height="400" alt="Cap'en Tommy Bowles." /></a>
+<p class="center">Cap'en Tommy Bowles.</p></div>
+
+<p>Cap'en <span class="sc">Tommy Bowles</span> had best of dreary evening. Mentioned
+yesterday, with tears from his honest blue eyes coursing down his
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page228" id="page228"></a>[pg 228]</span>
+rugged, weather-beaten cheek, fresh infamy
+on part of <span class="sc">Squire of Malwood</span>. Had announced
+on Thursday that, at Monday's
+sitting, Naval Works Loan Bill would be
+proceeded with. <span class="sc">Tommy</span> accordingly clewed
+up, and ran for port; laying to for forty-eight
+hours, prepared speech on Naval Works.
+Now <span class="sc">Squire</span> calmly announced that Shipbuilding
+Vote was to be taken. What was
+<span class="sc">Tommy</span> to do with speech prepared on Naval
+Works Loans?</p>
+
+<p>In despair yesterday; to-day bright idea
+struck him. <span class="sc">Shaw-Lefevre</span> had moved to
+introduce One Man One Vote Bill. Why
+shouldn't <span class="sc">Tommy</span>, flying that flag, run in and
+deliver his speech on Naval Works? A bold
+experiment; only hope of success was that
+House, being in almost comatose state,
+wouldn't notice ruse if cleverly managed.
+Trust <span class="sc">Tommy</span> for clever management. Holding
+sheaf of notes firmly in left hand, deftly
+turning them over with the hook that serves
+him for right hand, the old salt read his
+speech on Naval Works Loan Bill. Here and
+there, when he observed restless movement in
+any part of House, fired off phrase about
+"forty-shilling freeholder," "occupation
+votes," "rural constituencies," "re-distribution,"
+"country going to the dogs,"
+"jerrymandering," and "right hon. gentleman
+opposite." Scheme worked admirably;
+speech reeled off, and <span class="sc">Squire of Malwood's</span>
+knavish trick confounded.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;One Man One Vote Bill
+brought in.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;House not to be moved to evidence of excitement even
+by prospect of Budget night. On such occasion in ordinary times
+attendance at prayer-time most encouraging to Chaplain. Begins to
+think that at last his ministrations are bearing fruit. This afternoon
+congregation not much above average. No rush for tickets for seats.
+When <i>Squire</i> rose to open his statement, great gaps below Gangway
+on Ministerial side. The <span class="sc">Squire</span>, recognising situation, refrained
+from heroics, content to deliver plain business speech. No exordium;
+no peroration; no flight into empyrean heights of eloquence as was
+the wont of Mr. G. Some sympathetic movement when <span class="sc">Squire</span>, with
+momentarily increased briskness of manner, spoke of snap of cold
+weather in February, with its accompaniment of influenza, increased
+death-rate, and fuller flow of death duties into
+National coffers. The quality of this mercy
+was not quite unstrained. Not dropping, like
+the gentle dew from heaven, till February, increased
+death rates will not come into account
+till succeeding year. Still, there was rum. As
+thermometer fell rum went up with a rush.</p>
+
+<div class="poem width18">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Fifteen men on a dead man's chest.</p>
+<p>High ho! and a bottle of rum.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>What with comforting the mourners, and
+imbibed as a preventive, rum brought a
+windfall of £100,000 into the Treasury.</p>
+
+<p>That was well in its way. But then there
+were those 75,000 mean-spirited people who
+ought to have died last year, their estates
+paying tribute to <span class="sc">Chancellor of Exchequer</span>,
+and who positively insisted upon living. The
+long-trained fortitude of the <span class="sc">Squire</span> nearly
+broke down when he mentioned this circumstance.
+Pretty to see how it also touched
+<span class="sc">Jokim</span>. The wounds of riven friendship temporarily
+closed up; the rivalry of recent years
+forgotten in contemplation of these 75,000
+reckless, ruthless people, who, in defiance of
+law of average, didn't die in financial year
+ending March 31, 1895. The past <span class="sc">Chancellor
+of Exchequer</span> and his successor in office
+mingled their tears. But for intervention of
+table they would probably have flung themselves
+into each other's arms and sobbed aloud.</p>
+
+<p>"Thus," said <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span>, himself not
+unaffected by the scene, "doth one touch of
+nature make Chancellors of the Exchequer
+kin."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Budget brought in.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday Night.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Alpheus Cleophas</span> submitted proposal to dock
+payment of £10,000 annuity to Duke of <span class="sc">Coburg</span>. Thinks H.R.H.
+might, in circumstances, get along nicely without it. <span class="sc">Sage Of
+Queen Anne's Gate</span> agrees. <span class="sc">T. H. Boltonparty</span>, on the other hand,
+gravely differs. Folding his arms as was his wont on eve of
+Austerlitz, he regards <span class="sc">Alpheus Cleophas</span> with awful frown.
+Imperial instincts naturally wounded. "No trifling with the personal
+revenues of our Royal cousins, whether at home or abroad,"
+said <span class="sc">T. H. Boltonparty</span> in the voice of thunder that once reverberated
+across the shivering chasms of the Alps.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Proposal to cut off Duke of <span class="sc">Coburg's</span> pension
+negatived by 193 votes against 72.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>TWO WAYS OF DOING IT.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="sc">First Way.</span></h3>
+
+<p class="center"><i>From the Representative of Her Britannic Majesty's Government to
+the &mdash;&mdash; Minister for Foreign Affairs.</i></p>
+
+<p class="rindent"><i>January 1, 18-0.</i></p>
+
+<p>I have the honour to inform your Excellency that I am instructed
+by the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs that Her Britannic
+Majesty's Government has reason to complain of the conduct of the
+Government of which your Excellency is the representative. I have
+the honour to say that it will be advisable for your Excellency to urge
+upon the Government of which your Excellency is the representative
+the necessity of inquiry into the matter as speedily as possible. I
+have further the honour to add that it will be gratifying to Her
+Britannic Majesty's Government if the Government of which your
+Excellency is a representative will give the matter to which I refer
+the earliest attention.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>From the Representative, &amp;c., to the &mdash;&mdash; Minister, &amp;c.</i></p>
+
+<p class="rindent"><i>January 1, 18-1.</i></p>
+
+<p>I have the honour to call the attention of your Excellency to the
+long and unsatisfactory correspondence that has passed during the
+last year between your Excellency as representing the Government
+of which you are the representative and the Secretary of State for
+Foreign Affairs upon the matter of the despatch I had the honour to
+forward to your Excellency dated January 1, 18-0. I am directed to
+have the honour of requesting your Excellency to urge upon the
+Government of which your Excellency is a representative the necessity
+of a speedy settlement of the matter in dispute.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>From the Representative, &amp;c., to the &mdash;&mdash; Minister, &amp;c.</i></p>
+
+<p class="rindent"><i>January 1, 18-2.</i></p>
+
+<p>I have again the honour to call the attention of your Excellency
+to, &amp;c. &amp;c.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+(<i>Rather longer than the foregoing one. Then follow two more
+"from the same to the same" in 18-3 and 18-4. This is the
+first way.</i>)
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<h3>SECOND (AND SHORTER) WAY.</h3>
+
+<p class="center"><i>From British Admiral to &mdash;&mdash; Minister.</i></p>
+
+<p class="rindent"><i>January 1, 18-5</i>, 12 <span class="sc">Noon</span>.</p>
+
+<p>If you don't pay up within a quarter of an hour, I will bombard
+your capital, seize your country, and imprison the Government of
+which you are the representative.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>From &mdash;&mdash; Minister, &amp;c., to British Admiral.</i></p>
+
+<p class="rindent"><i>January 1, 18-5</i>, 12.10 <span class="sc">P.M.</span></p>
+
+<p>Don't fire. Have sent money demanded by P.O.O.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>The Predominant Partner.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>'Tis to the "New National Party," 'tis clear,</p>
+<p class="i2">That <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span> swears his affiance.</p>
+<p>The Triple Alliance? Why, no, 'twould appear</p>
+<p>The third, and predominant partner, is Beer,</p>
+<p class="i4">So let's call it "The <i>Tipple</i> Alliance."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Our Booking-Office.</span>&mdash;To all, and especially to all travellers,
+on account of its portable size, the Baron begs to recommend a
+charming novelette written by <span class="sc">Guy Boothaby</span>, entitled <i>A Lost
+Endeavour</i>, published by <span class="sc">Dent</span> of Aldine House. When Mr. <span class="sc">Guy
+Boothaby</span> brings out another story equal to this, the Baron will be
+delighted to draw public attention to it by saying, "Here's another
+<span class="sc">Guy&mdash;Boothaby</span>."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">An awful Monster recently let out in a Church!</span>&mdash;A
+second-hand sermon with eight heads.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Motto for the Lord Chief Justice.</span>&mdash;"<i>Quantum snuff.</i>"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+108, May 11th, 1895, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 108, MAY 11TH, 1895 ***
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@@ -0,0 +1,1683 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108,
+May 11th, 1895, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, May 11th, 1895
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: January 26, 2014 [EBook #44760]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 108, MAY 11TH, 1895 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+Volume 108, May 11th, 1895.
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+
+
+
+"BRAINS FOR CASH."
+
+    ["The unbridled greediness of some authors."--MR. GOSSE.]
+
+_Publisher_ (_nervously_). And what will your terms be for a short
+story, in your best style?
+
+_Author_ (_loftily_). I have only one style, and that is perfection. I
+couldn't think of charging less than fifty guineas a page.
+
+_Publisher_ (_aghast_). Fifty guineas a page! But are you aware that
+Lord MACAULAY got only ten thousand for the whole of his history, and
+that MILTON----
+
+_Author_ (_rudely_). Hang MACAULAY and MILTON! Surely you would
+not compare those second-rate writers with _myself!_ If _they_ were
+content to work for starvation wages, I am not.
+
+_Publisher_. But, say your story runs to twenty pages, as it probably
+will, I shall have to pay you for that one short tale the really
+ridiculous sum of a thousand pounds!
+
+_Author_ (_coolly_). Yes, it is rather ridiculous--ridiculously small,
+I mean. Still, out of regard to your pocket, I am willing to accept
+that inadequate remuneration. Is it a bargain?
+
+_Publisher_ (_with a groan_). It must be. The public demands your
+work, and we have no option. But allow me to remark that your policy
+is----
+
+_Author_ (_gaily_). A Policy of Assurance, on which _you_ have to pay
+the premium. Ha, ha!
+
+A YEAR OR TWO LATER.
+
+AUTHOR (DEFERENTIALLY). I have a really capital idea for a work
+of fiction, on a subject which I believe to be quite original.
+What--ahem!--are you prepared to offer for the copyright?
+
+_Publisher._ Couldn't think of making an offer till we saw the work.
+It might turn out to be worth nothing at all.
+
+_Author._ Nothing at all! But you forget how my fame----
+
+_Publisher._ Disappeared when we were obliged to charge the public
+six shillings for a story of yours about the size of an average tract.
+Other writers have come to the front, you know. Still, if there's
+anything in your novel, when it's finished, we should, I daresay,
+be prepared to offer you a couple of guineas down, and a couple more
+when--say--a thousand copies had been sold. Is it a bargain?
+
+_Author_ (_sadly_). I suppose it must be! Yet I can hardly be said to
+be _paid_ for my work.
+
+_Publisher._ Perhaps not. But you can be said to be _paid out!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE FEMALE OSTRICH AT THE ZOO IS DEAD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STREETS OF LONDON.
+
+  The stately streets of London
+    Are always "up" in Spring,
+  To ordinary minds an ex-
+    traordinary thing.
+  Then cabs across strange ridges bound,
+    Or sink in holes, abused
+  With words resembling not, in sound,
+    Those Mrs. HEMANS used.
+
+  The miry streets of London,
+    Dotted with lamps by night;
+  What pitfalls where the dazzled eye
+    Sees doubly ruddy light!
+  For in the season, just in May,
+    When many meetings meet,
+  The jocund vestry starts away,
+    And closes all the street.
+
+  The shut-up streets of London!
+    How willingly one jumps
+  From where one's cab must stop, through pools
+    Of mud, in dancing pumps!
+  When thus one skips on miry ways
+    One's pride is much decreased,
+  Like _Mrs. Gilpin's_, for one's "chaise"
+    Is "three doors off" at least.
+
+  The free, fair streets of London!
+    Long, long, in vestry hall,
+  May heads of native thickness rise,
+    When April showers fall;
+  And green for ever be the men
+    Who spend the rates in May,
+  By stopping all the traffic then
+    In such a jocose way!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN BLOOM.--On Saturday last there was a letter in the _Daily
+Telegraph_ headed "Trees for Londoners." The lessee and manager of
+the Haymarket Theatre thinks that for Londoners two Trees are quite
+sufficient, _i.e._ his wife and himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DRINK QUESTION.
+
+_First Man._ What rot it is to keep this tax on beer!
+
+_Second Man._ Well, it's better than spirits, anyhow.
+
+_First Man._ Of course you say that as you've got those shares in that
+Distillery Company.
+
+_Second Man._ Well, you needn't talk, with your ALLSOPP Debentures.
+
+_First Man._ Come to that, personally I take no interest in beer. It's
+poison to me.
+
+_Second Man._ It's the finest drink in the world. I never touch
+spirits.
+
+_First Man._ They're much more wholesome. I wonder what the Government
+will do about Local Veto and Compensation. I suppose, as I'm a
+Liberal----
+
+_Second Man._ So am I. But I respect vested interests. Now, in theory,
+teetotalism, especially for the masses----
+
+_First Man._ Waiter, bring me a whiskey and soda.
+
+_Second Man._ And bring me a glass of bitter.
+
+_First Man._ As for WILFRID LAWSON, he's an utter----
+
+_Second Man._ Oh, WILFRID LAWSON! He's a downright----
+
+    [_They drink_--_not_ SIR WILFRID'S _health_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LOSS OF THE GALLERY.
+
+(_A Fragment from the Chronicles of St. Stephen's._)
+
+"But must I give up this comfortable furniture?" asked the poor
+person, looking at the venerable chairs, some of which were distinctly
+rickety.
+
+"You must, indeed," replied firmly, but still with a certain
+tenderness, the stern official.
+
+"But I can _nearly_ hear what they are saying," urged the fair
+petitioner.
+
+"I cannot help it."
+
+"And _all_ but see them," and once again she peered through the
+grille.
+
+"I am forced to obey my orders," returned the official. "You
+applauded. You clapped your hands--and you must retire."
+
+"And for that little burst of enthusiasm," almost wept the person,
+"I am to lose all this happiness! To be stopped from hearing an
+indistinct murmur, seeing a blurred picture, resting on rickety seats,
+and breathing a vitiated atmosphere! Am I to lose _all_ these comforts
+and pleasures and advantages?"
+
+"I am afraid so," was the answer. And then the official opened the
+door of the Ladies' Gallery of the House of Commons, and the person
+passed out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
+
+_Lord W-ls-l-y_ (_to Commander-in-Chief_). "IN SEPTEMBER I HAVE TO
+RETIRE FROM MY COMMAND."
+
+_Duke._ "DEAR ME! _I_ HAVEN'T!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
+
+  _Seniores priores?_ Rude Rads, and some Tories,
+    Would make that apply to mere manner of exit.
+  If the "Spirit of Eld" is in charge of our glories,
+        Why wantonly vex it?
+
+  That Spirit of Eld is the "note" of our era.
+    Grand old men--and women--at bossing are busy.
+  Youth? Stuff! Callow youth was indeed the chimera
+        Of dandyish DIZZY.
+
+  But that was when DIZZY, himself young--and curly--
+    Was VIVIAN GREY, not the Primrose Dames' darling.
+  The Great Earl himself did not dominate early.
+        Oh, out on such snarling!
+
+  Old ways, and old wines, and old warriors for ever!
+    (Or, if not for ever, a whacking big slice of it.)
+  Great SENEX from service 'twere folly to sever,
+        Whilst winning the price of it.
+
+  Retirement is not your true _militaire's_ virtue;
+    To "beat the retreat" irks us all, dukes or drummers.
+  Let Winter hold sway, then--it cannot much hurt you--
+        For--say _x_--more summers!
+
+  True HANNIBAL, GASTON DE FOIX, ALEXANDER,
+    NAPOLEON, DON JOHN, the GREAT CONDE, and CORTES
+  Were types of the true, adolescent commander,
+        And swayed ere their forties.
+
+  Still, they were god-loved and died young, like our SIDNEY,
+    But Genius is versatile, Nature is various;
+  All heroes are not of the same "kiddish" kidney,
+        Ask--say--BELISARIUS!
+
+  To grudge him his obolus ("screw" as _we_ name it)
+    Because he has drawn it a few years--say fifty--
+  If Rads had a conscience at all, Sir, would shame it!
+        But Rads are _so_--thrifty!
+
+  For fellows like WOLSELEY or ROBERTS, retirement
+    Is all very well; they've no call for to stop, Sir.
+  But oh! for an Army the master requirement
+        Is grey hairs--a-top, Sir!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FAMILIAR PHRASE EXPLAINED.
+
+_Robinson._ "WELL, OLD CHAP, HOW DID YOU SLEEP LAST NIGHT?"
+
+_Smith_ (_who had dined out_). "'LIKE A TOP.' AS SOON AS MY HEAD
+TOUCHED THE PILLOW, IT WENT ROUND AND ROUND!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NINETY YEAR!
+
+    ["In the retrospect of ninety years there is a pathetic
+    mixture of gratitude for ample opportunities, and humiliation
+    for insignificant performances."--_Dr. James Martineau, on his
+    Ninetieth Birthday._]
+
+AIR--THACKERAY'S "_Age of Wisdom_"
+
+  Ho! petty prattler of sparkling sin,
+    Paradox-monger, slave of the queer!
+  All your wish is a name to win,
+  To shook the dullards, to sack the tin,--
+    Wait till you come to Ninety Year!
+
+    Curled locks cover your shallow brains,
+  Twaddle and tinkle is all your cheer.
+  Sickly and sullied your amorous strains,
+    Pessimist praters of fancied pains,--
+  What do you think of _this_ Ninety Year?
+
+  Ninety times over let May-day pass
+    (If you should live, which you won't I fear),
+  Then you will know that you were but an ass,
+  Then you will shudder and moan, "Alas!
+    Would I had known it some Ninety Year!"
+
+  Pledge him round! He's a Man, I declare;
+    His heart is warm, though his hair be grey.
+  Modest, as though a record so fair,
+  A brain so big, and a soul so rare,
+    Were a mere matter of every day.
+
+  His eloquent lips the Truth have kissed,
+    His valiant eyes for the Right have shone.
+  Pray, and listen--'twere well you list--
+  Look not away lest the chance be missed,
+    Look on a Man, ere your chance be gone!
+
+  MARTINEAU lives, he's alive, he's here!
+    He loved, and married, seventy years' syne.
+  _Look_ at him, taintless of fraud or fear,
+  Alive and manful at Ninety Year,
+    And blush at your pitiful pessimist whine!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAMLET (_amended by Lord Farrar_).--"In my mind's eye, O ratio!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY.
+
+[Illustration: No. 436. The President and Mr. Marks, R.A., as seen at
+a long range.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 147. A Father's Cuss!]
+
+[Illustration: No. 39. Bray on the Thames. By T. Sidney Cooper, R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 321. "You should see us dance the Pole-ka!" By
+Arthur Wardle.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 91. Gloucestershire "Colts" at practice. New
+left-handed bowler promises well. By George Clausen, A.R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 195. All snuggled up! The President is compelled to
+economise space!]
+
+[Illustration: No. 503. "How long! how long!" Portrait of a blase
+youth. Even his cane is jade-d! By John S. Sargent, A.R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 172. Couldn't 'e Padmore? By John S. Sargent,
+A.R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 277. The G. O. M. at Cannes. By T. Graham.]
+
+A. R. AT THE R. A.
+
+(_I.e., A Representative at the Royal Academy._)
+
+Anyone arriving at Burlington House so early as to be the first person
+to pay his money and take his choice, will probably look straight
+before him, and will feel somewhat confused at seeing in the distance,
+but exactly opposite him, a dignified figure wearing a chain of
+office, politely rising to receive the early visitor. "It can be no
+other than the President himself," will at once occur to the stranger
+within the gates; "and yet, did I not hear that he was abroad for
+the benefit of his health?" Then, just as he is about to bow his
+acknowledgments of the courtesy extended to him personally by the
+Chief Representative of Art in this country, he will notice seated, at
+the President's left hand, and staring at him, with a pen in his hand,
+ready either to take down the name of the visitor, or to make a sketch
+of him, a gentleman in whose lineaments anyone having the pleasure of
+being personally acquainted with Mr. STACY MARKS, R.A., would at once
+recognise those of that distinguished humourist in bird-painting. "Is
+there wisions about?" will the puzzled visitor quote to himself, and
+then boldly advancing, hat in hand, to be soon replaced on head,
+he will come face to face with the biggest picture in the Academy,
+covering almost the entire wall.
+
+The stately figure is not Sir FREDERIC LEIGHTON, P.R.A., who
+unfortunately has been compelled to go abroad for the benefit of his
+health--_prosit!_--nor is the seated figure Mr. S. MARKS; but the
+former is "_The Buergermeister of Landsberg, Bavaria_," and the latter
+is his secretary, while the other figures, all likenesses, are
+"his Town Council" in solemn deliberative assembly. The picture,
+an admirable one, and, as will be pretty generally admitted, a
+masterpiece of the master's, is No. 436 in the book, the work of
+Meister HUBERT HERKOMER, R.A.
+
+But as this is in Gallery No. VI., and as it is not every one who will
+be privileged to see the picture as the early bird has seen it, and
+as some few others may, perhaps, see it during the season, this
+Representative retraces his steps from No. VI., and commences _de
+novo_ with No. 1.
+
+No. 17. "_Finan Haddie_," fresh as ever, caught by J. C. HOOK, R.A.
+Title, of course, should have been "_Finan Haddie Hook'd_."
+
+Sir JOHN MILLAIS' _St. Stephen_ (_not_ a parliamentary subject),
+showing that Good Sir JOHN'S hand has lost none of its cunning, is No.
+18; and after bowing politely to Mrs. JOHNSON-FERGUSON, and pausing
+before this charming picture by LUKE FILDES, R.A., to take a last Luke
+at her, you will pass on, please, to No. 25, "_The Fisherman and the
+Jin_," and will wonder why VAL. C. PRINSEP, R.A., spells the cordial
+spirit with a "J" instead of a "G." It is a spirited composition.
+
+No. 31. Mr. JOHN S. SARGENT, A., let "_Mrs. Ernest Hills_" go out of
+his studio in a hurry. She is evidently "to be finished in his next."
+
+No. 34. "_A Quiet Rehearsal._" Lady Amateur all alone, book in hand,
+to which she is not referring, trying to remember her part and say it
+off by heart. It is by W. B. RICHMOND, A. To quote a cigarette paper,
+this work may be fairly entitled "A Richmond Gem."
+
+No. 43. "_Evening._" By B. W. LEADER, A. Delightful. Artistic
+aspirants in this line cannot play a better game than that of "Follow
+my Leader."
+
+This Representative recognised "_Dr. Jameson, C.B._," by HERKOMER, at
+a glance. If you are asked by anyone to look at "_Hay Boat_" do not
+correct him and say "You mean _A_ Boat," or you will find yourself in
+the wrong boat, but admire HILDA MONTALBA'S painting, and pass on to
+OULESS, R.A.'s, excellent portrait of "_J. J. Aubertin_" (a compound
+name, whose first two syllables suggest delightful music while the
+last syllable means money); thence welcome our old friend FRITH, R.A.,
+who, in 67, [and a trifle over, eh?] shows us "_Mrs. Gresham and
+Her Little Daughter_." From the "little D.'s" expressive face may be
+gathered that she has just received a "Gresham Lecture." After noting
+No. 73 and 83 (the unhappily separated twins) together, you may look
+on No. 126. Two fierce animals deer-stalking in a wild mountainous
+region, painted by _Arthur Wardle_. Only from what coign of vantage
+did Mr. WARDLE, the artist, make this life-like sketch? However,
+he came out of the difficulty safe and sound, and we are as glad to
+welcome a "_Wardle_" as we should be to see his ancient associate
+"_Pickwick_," or a "_Weller_," in Burlington House.
+
+No. 139. Charming is Sir F. LEIGHTON'S "_Fair One with the Golden
+Locks_." To complete the picture the hairdresser should have been
+thrown in. She is _en peignoir_, and evidently awaiting his visit.
+This is the key to these locks.
+
+No. 242. Mr. ANDREW C. GOW, R.A., gives us BUONAPARTE riding on the
+sands with a party of officers, "1805." The Emperor is cantering ahead
+of the staff. Another title might be "_Going Nap at Boulogne_."
+
+No. 160. "_A Lion Tamer's Private Rehearsal._" But BRITON RIVIERE,
+R.A., calls it "_Ph[oe]bus Apollo_."
+
+No. 251. Queer incident in the life of a respectable middle-aged
+gentleman. Like _Mr. Pickwick_, he has mistaken his room in the hotel,
+and has gone to bed. Suddenly, lady, in brilliant diamond tiara,
+returns from ball, and finds him there. The noise she makes in opening
+the curtains awakes him. He starts up alarmed. "Hallo!" he cries, and
+for the moment the ballad of "_Margaret's Grim Ghosts_" recurs to
+his mind. His next thought is, "How fortunate I went to bed in my
+copper-coloured pyjamas, with a red cummerbund round me." Of course he
+apologised, and withdrew. What happened subsequently is not revealed
+by the artist who has so admirably depicted this effective scene, and
+whose name is Sir JOHN MILLAIS, Bart., R.A.
+
+No. 368. Excellent likeness, by Mr. _Arthur S. Cope_, of the
+well-known and popular parson ROGERS. _A Parsona Grata_. This
+typical old-fashioned English clergyman, who, in ordinary ministerial
+functions, would be the very last person to be associated with a
+"chasuble," will henceforth never be dissociated from a "COPE."
+
+No. 491. A picture by Mr. FRED ROE. If NELSON'S enemies had only
+known of this incident in his lifetime!! Here is our great naval hero,
+evidently "half seas over," being personally conducted through some
+by-streets of Portsmouth, on his way back to the _Victory_, in order
+to avoid the crowd. Rather a hard ROE, this.
+
+No. 767. Congratulations to T. B. KENNINGTON on his "_Alderman George
+Doughty, J.P._," or, as the name might be from the characteristic
+colouring, Alderman DEORGE GOUHTY, which is quite in keeping with the
+proverbial aldermanic tradition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITTLE MIXED.--In its account of the private view at the Royal
+Academy the _Daily News_ says:--"The Countess of MALMESBURY studied
+the sculpture in a harmonious costume of striped black and pink, and a
+picture hat trimmed with pink roses." This is presumably the result of
+the influence of Mr. HORSLEY. But isn't it going a little too far,
+at least to begin with? A piece of sculpture--say, a Venus--in a
+harmonious costume of striped black and pink might pass. But the
+addition of a picture hat trimmed with pink roses is surely fatal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NASTY ONE.
+
+_Disgusted Sculptor._ "SO YOU'VE GOT THE LINE IN TWO PLACES, HAVE YOU?
+HANG ME IF I DON'T GIVE UP ART, AND GO IN FOR PAINTING!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE BANQUET, SATURDAY, MAY 4.
+
+Chair of absent President ably filled by Sir JOHN MILLAIS, who,
+pluckily struggling against evidently painful hoarseness, made, in
+returning thanks, an exceptionally graceful, touching, and altogether
+memorable speech. Odd to note that, had Sir JOHN, speaking hoarsely,
+broken down, we should have heard his _remplacant_ Horsley speaking.
+_The_ incident, however, which will mark this banquet as unique in
+Academical records, was Sir JOHN'S mistaking one Archbishop for the
+other, and, in consequence, pleasantly indicating by a polite bow to
+the prelate on his left, that he called upon _him_, the Archbishop
+of YORK, to reply for the visitors. "YORK, you're wanted," said, in
+effect, the genial Sir JOHN, utterly ignoring the presence of His
+Grace of CANTERBURY. Whereupon, CANTERBURY collapsed, while the
+Northern Primate, vainly attempting to dissemble his delight,
+professed his utter surprise, his total unpreparedness, and
+straightforth hastened to improve the occasion. But before fifty words
+had passed the jubilant Prelate's lips, Sir JOHN, having discovered
+his mistake, rose quickly in his stirrups, so to speak, and pulled up
+the impetuous YORK just then getting into his stride. Genially beaming
+on the slighted CANTERBURY, Sir JOHN called on "The Primate of All
+England" (a snub this for YORK) to return thanks. "One Archbishop very
+like another Archbishop," chuckled the unabashed Sir JOHN to himself,
+as he resumed his seat, "but quite forgot that YORK as Chaplain to
+Academy is 'His Grace _before_ dinner,' and CANTERBURY represents
+'Grace _after_ dinner.'" "'Twas ever thus," muttered YORK, moodily
+eyeing the last drop in his champagne-glass, as he mentally recalled
+ancient ecclesiastical quarrels between the two provinces, from which
+the Southern Prelate had issued victorious. CANTERBURY flattered,
+but, fluttered, lost his chance. His Royal Highness's speech brief,
+comprehensive, effective. Lord ROSEBERY entertaining. "The rest is
+silence," or better if it had been. No more at present. Good luck to
+the Academy Show of 1895.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: COLD COMFORT!
+
+_Aunt Phillida._ "THE LAST TIME I WENT TO A GROWN-UP FANCY BALL, I
+WENT AS A _WASP_. THAT WAS ONLY TEN YEARS AGO. I DON'T SUPPOSE I SHALL
+EVER AGAIN GO TO A FANCY BALL AS A _WASP!_"
+
+    [_Sighs deeply._
+
+_Mary._ "HARDLY AS A _WASP_, AUNT PHILLIDA. BUT YOU'D LOOK VERY
+SPLENDID AS A BUMBLE-BEE!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE UP-TO-DATE DUCKLINGS.
+
+(_A Fable._)
+
+A Duck that had lately succeeded in hatching a fine brood of
+ducklings, and was much concerned on the point of their polite
+education, took them down to the river one day in order to teach them
+to swim.
+
+"See, my dears!" she said when they were all got to the bank,
+addressing her brood in encouraging accents, "this is the way to do
+it," and so saying the old duck pushed off from the land, in evident
+expectation that her young ones would follow her.
+
+The Ducklings, however, instead of coming after their mother, remained
+on the bank, talking and laughing and whispering among themselves in
+a very knowing manner; until at last the old bird, provoked by their
+levity and wondering what ailed them, called out sharply to them
+from mid-stream to come into the water at once; upon which one of the
+Ducklings, who had evidently been constituted spokesman for the rest,
+made bold to address his mother in the following words.
+
+"You must be a simpleton indeed, Madam," said he, "to imagine that we
+are going to do anything so foolish as to endanger our lives in the
+reckless fashion in which you are now exposing yours; for though it
+may be true that in obedience to some unwritten law of nature (unknown
+at present to us) you are floating securely upon the surface of the
+stream, instead of sinking to the bottom of it, yet it by no means
+follows from thence that we should do the same thing, supposing we
+were so foolish as to follow your example. Rest assured, dear Madam,"
+continued the Duckling, "that so soon as we have sifted this matter
+to the bottom for ourselves, we shall act on the knowledge of it,
+according as our experience may suggest to us; but for the present, at
+any rate, we prefer to remain where we are."
+
+And so saying, the Duckling, accompanied by the rest of the brood,
+turned his back on his natural element, and returned forthwith to the
+poultry-yard.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PHILISTINE PAEAN;
+
+_Or, The Triumph of the Timid One._
+
+  At last! I see signs of a turn in the tide,
+    And O, I perceive it with infinite gratitude.
+  No more need I go with a crick in my side
+    In attempts to preserve a non-natural attitude.
+  _Something_ has changed in the season, _somewhere_;
+  I'm sure I can feel a cool whiff of fresh air!
+
+  Mental malaria worse than the _grippe_
+    Has asphyxiated my mind, or choke-damped it.
+  The plain honest truth has been strange to my lip;
+    I've shammed it, and fudged it, humbugged it and vamped it
+  Till I wasn't I, self-respect was all gone,
+  And I hadn't a taste that I dared call my own.
+
+  I do _not_ love horror. I do _not_ like muck;
+    And mystical muddle to me is abhorrent.
+  In Stygian shallows long time I have stuck,
+    Or, like a dead dog on a sewage-fouled torrent,
+  Have gone with the stream; but beyond the least doubt
+  I'm grateful--_so_ much--for a chance to creep out.
+
+  Egomania it seems then is _not_ the last word
+    Of latter-day wisdom! By Jove I _am_ glad!
+  I always _did_ feel it was highly absurd
+    To worship the maudlin, and aim at the mad;
+  And now, there's a chance for the decent again,
+  One may relish one's DICKENS, yet not seem insane!
+
+  The ghoulish-grotesque, and the grimy-obscure,
+    I _have_ tried to gloat on in poem and prose,
+  But oh! all the while there seemed something impure
+    In the _sniff_ of the thing that tormented my nose;
+  And as to High Art--well, to me it seemed _high_,
+  Like an over-hung hare--only food for the fly.
+
+  Yet _I_ didn't dare say that I felt it to be
+    Pseudo-sphinxian fudge, and sheer Belial bosh;
+  Or that after Art-babble at five o'clock tea,
+    I felt that the thing I most craved was--a wash;
+  Because in the view of the Mystical School,
+  That would just write you down a mere Philistine fool.
+
+  I am not _quite_ sure that I _quite_ understand
+    How they've suddenly found all our fads are degenerate;
+  Why MAETERLINCK, IBSEN, VERLAINE, SARAH GRAND,
+    TOLSTOI, GRANT ALLEN, ZOLA, are "lumped"--but, at any rate,
+  I know I'm relieved from one horrible bore,--
+  _I need not admire what I hate any more_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BIRMINGHAM BENEDICK.
+
+MR. J-S-PH CH-MB-RL-N (_as "Benedick"_). "DOTH NOT THE APPETITE
+CHANGE? A MAN LOVES THE MEAT IN HIS YOUTH THAT HE CANNOT ENDURE IN
+HIS AGE.... WHEN I SAID I WOULD DIE AN INDEPENDENT RADICAL, I DID NOT
+THINK I SHOULD LIVE TO BE ALLIED WITH A TORY PARTY."
+
+    _Much Ado About Nothing_, Act II., Sc. 3 (_slightly
+    "modified"_).
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DRURIOLANUS THE CHEF, OPENS THE OPERATIC PIE.
+
+  "WHEN THE PIE WAS OPEN
+  THE BIRDS BEGAN TO SING."
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLIND ALLEY-GORIES.
+
+BY DUNNO WAeHRIAR.
+
+(_Translated from the original Lappish by Mr. Punch's own Hyperborean
+Enthusiast._)
+
+NO. IV.--SIGNS AND WONDERS.
+
+I sat on the beach one forenoon in midsummer. A great number of people
+were doing much the same. The rhapsodists and orators, the blameless
+Ethiopians with their barbaric instruments of music, the itinerant
+magicians with their wands, the statuesque groups posed before the
+tripod of the photographer, the snow-white sea-chariots with crimson
+wheels, the bare-legged riders on antique steeds, made me fancy I was
+gazing at a scene of Southern Hellenic life. Why I know not--for it
+was not in the least like.
+
+Then I saw an enormous black hand stretch down over the fjord. I was
+not alarmed, for I am becoming accustomed to apparitions of this kind.
+
+It set weird signs and black marks upon the railings of the jetty, and
+on the white sides of the bathing machines, and on the sails of
+the fishing-boats, and when I turned about, the parade itself was
+plastered with tablets.
+
+And on all things had the New Lawgiver incised in letters of gold
+and azure and purple upon shining tables the new commandments:
+"Use Skaeuerskjin's Soap!"; "Try Tommeliden Tonic!"; "Buy Booempvig's
+Pills!"; "Ask for Baldersen's Hairwash!"
+
+And I heard the voice of the wild waves saying, as they lapped up over
+the cheap sandshoes and saturated paper bags full of gingerbread nuts:
+
+"This is the new moral law. That men should cherish the outside and
+insides of their bodies, and keep them clean, like precious vessels of
+brass and copper. Rather to let the picturesque perish than forget for
+a moment which is the best soap for the complexion, and which will not
+wash clothes. Never to see a ship spreading her canvas like a sea
+bird without associations of a Purifying Saline Draught or a Relishing
+Pickle. To ask and see that ye procure!"
+
+Then I looked into the heavens above me, and behold, high above the
+esplanade hung a hand, enormous as the one that had set its marks
+on everything below, but white, white; and it held a brush and wrote
+until the sky was full of signs, and they had form and colour, but not
+of this world, and those who ran could read them.
+
+And I bought a shell-box and a bath bun, and closed my eyes, and
+lay musing in an agony of soul. Suddenly I felt the pain snap,
+and something grow in me, and I saw in my soul's dawning the great
+half-opened shell of a strange oyster.
+
+And this oyster has its bed on my very heart, and it is _my_ salt
+tears that nourish it, and it grows _inside_, invisible to all but me.
+
+But I know that, when the oyster opens, I shall find within its shell,
+like a gleaming dove-coloured pearl, the great Panacea of the To Be;
+and, if you ask me to explain my meaning more fully, I reply that the
+bearings of this blind allegory lie in the application thereof, and
+that ye are a blow-fly brood of dull-witted hucksters.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FIRST STEP
+
+TOWARDS HISTRIONICS.--II.
+
+(_Under the guidance of Herr Goethemann._)
+
+_Questioner._ You were good enough to promise me at our next meeting a
+specimen of the Author-publisher's dramatic manner.
+
+_Answer._ With pleasure. I will read it to you.
+
+"_Afternoon. Two-pair suburban back. Upright piano. High-minded
+table._ HENRY (_dramatic author and host_) _under it, heavy with
+wine._ ROMEO (_his friend and Town Blood_) _communing with_ MARY ANN
+(_local ingenue_). ELIZA (_her sister and hostess_) _outside just
+now, making coffee. She will come in presently, and realise_ DRAMATIC
+MOMENT.
+
+_Mary Ann._ Get up, Henry, and give us a regular old rousing tune.
+
+_Henry_ (_huskily, emerging from retreat_). What shall it be?
+
+_Romeo._ Oh, anything. WAGNER for choice.
+
+    [_Gifted musician obliges with a pot pourri of 'Parsifal,'_
+    ROMEO _absently whistling the trombone part_.
+
+_Mary Ann._ Ripping! Now something classical. Let's have '_After the
+Ball_.' Come on, ROMEO, we'll waltz; push back the fire-place. (_They
+push back the fire-place;_ ROMEO _grasps_ MARY ANN, _and they revolve.
+He kisses her on the cheek_ L. C.) Well, I never did! For shame! I
+decline to dance with you. There!
+
+    [_Declines to dance with him._
+
+_Henry._ One for _you_, my buck! Cheer up, MARY ANN; _I_'ll give you a
+turn.
+
+    [_Pirouettes twice with her, humming suitable air._
+
+_Mary Ann_ (_rendered completely breathless_). It's not like real
+dancing when you only _hum!_
+
+_Henry._ Can't play and dance at same time, you know. Piano too
+stationary. So you must take ROMEO on again, or go without.
+
+_Eliza_ (_entering with coffee-tray and realising situation_). Well,
+I declare! Having high jinks while I was making the coffee. What
+dramatic irony!
+
+    [ROMEO _gallantly invites her to join the giddy throng. They
+    dance._
+
+_Eliza_ (_rendered completely breathless_). My soul! I'm in bad
+training!
+
+_Mary Ann_ (_having got her second wind_). Have a turn with _me_,
+ELIZA! ROMEO 's no good; he misses out every other bar.
+
+_Eliza._ Want my coffee. No wind left.
+
+    [HENRY _spontaneously sings a Lullaby of_ BRAHMS'. _Stops in
+    middle to see what they all think of it. They all think a lot
+    of it. Goes on singing. Only_ ELIZA _goes on thinking a lot of
+    it. Others talk quite loud_, ROMEO _being a Town Blood._ HENRY
+    _finishes, under conviction that they have no manners to speak
+    of. Mind wanders off to the leading lady in his new piece, and
+    he drops inadvertently into 'Daisy' waltz._ ELIZA _waits for
+    second wind._ ROMEO _grapples with_ MARY ANN, _the latter
+    reluctant. She is rapt away in mazy whirl, kicking feebly. He
+    again kisses her on the cheek, this time_ R. C.
+
+_Eliza._ Man! I saw you! It was a wanton act.
+
+_Henry_ (_casually_). Anything broken?
+
+_Eliza._ Oh, HENRY! He went and kissed my MARY ANN, my own sister!
+
+_Romeo_ (_with easy bravado_). A mere nothing, I assure you. She's so
+provoking, don't you know? Had to do it in self-defence.
+
+_Eliza._ It is contrary to established etiquette in _our_ circles.
+MARY ANN, how _could_ you?
+
+_Mary Ann._ I didn't. It was him. I shall scream another time.
+
+_Eliza._ Man, you will oblige me by treating my sister as you would
+your own.
+
+    [_Exit with crushing expression which leaves_ ROMEO _intact._
+
+_Mary Ann._ ELIZA talks rot. (_To_ ROMEO.) Not that you're not a
+beast, all the same.
+
+    [_Exit in two frames of mind._ HENRY _laughs and makes light
+    of osculation. The men converse. The plot becomes even more
+    intricate. The end is nigh._"
+
+    * * *
+
+_Question._ Do I miss the purpose of the Author-publisher?
+
+_Answer._ I should think it highly improbable.
+
+_Q._ But why did he write it?
+
+_A._ It is a "problem-play," and that, as I said, is the problem.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHEERING.--Liberal Party much encouraged by East Wicklow and East
+Leeds. "Wisdom from the East," they call it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.
+
+_Nervous Youth._ "WELL--ER--GOOD-BYE, MRS. THOMAS. AWFULLY GLAD I MET
+YOU! ER--SO GOOD OF YOU--SO MUCH PLEASANTER THAN RIDING ALONE!"
+
+    [_Shuts up._
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM CORINTO TO HERNE BAY.
+
+(_An Anglo-Nicaraguan Parallel._)
+
+The young Midshipman looked towards Corinto. The public buildings were
+still within range of the monster guns. The select army of one hundred
+and fifty had retired before the advance of the blue jackets and
+marines. All was tranquil, and, as he gazed upon the Nicaraguan
+capital, his eyes closed, and he dreamed a dream.
+
+He was once more in England. He was at the seaside. Here in front
+of him were bathing-machines. There, to his right, was a circulating
+library. He could see a clock-tower and a shortened pier. Then
+he laughed in his glee. He was at Herne Bay! Close to the Isle of
+Thanet--within sight of the Reculvers!
+
+He had scarcely realised his happiness, when he noticed on the ocean a
+flotilla. Three gigantic ironclads were approaching the tranquil town!
+
+"The Nicaraguan fleet!" he murmured in his sleep.
+
+It, alas! was too true! The Central American Admiral had sent an
+ultimatum. The news had run from one end of Herne Bay to the
+other that, unless the sum demanded were paid at once, the
+as-yet-unconquered watering-place would be "ploughed," as the Poet
+BUNN would have put it, "by the hoof of the ruthless invader."
+
+Then there was a hurried consultation. What could be done with that
+overpowering fleet? It was useless to defend the bathing-machines; the
+donkeys and their drivers were no match for heavy ordnance. What
+could the few coast-guardsmen do when threatened by five hundred
+Nicaraguans?
+
+"Herne Bay must surrender!" murmured the Midshipman in his sleep.
+"There is no help for it."
+
+And then came a strange sight. The search-lights of the Nicaraguan
+fleet played upon the sea front, and the little garrison of Herne
+Bay retired towards Birchington and Margate. The Band (lent from the
+Militia) marched away, followed by the heavy cavalry of the bathers,
+and the Uhlan-like donkeys of the sands. The representatives of the
+Navy (carrying their look-out telescopes) brought up the rear.
+
+Then, when all had gone, the sailors and marines of the Nicaraguan
+fleet landed. The British flag was hauled down, and replaced by the
+colours of the enemy.
+
+Herne Bay was conquered!
+
+At this point the Midshipman awoke with a start. He looked round, and
+sighed a great sigh of relief.
+
+"How fortunate it is that the English fleet have conquered Corinto
+and not the Nicaraguan fleet Herne Bay!" he cried in an ecstacy of
+patriotic fervour. Then he performed for hours the duties of his
+command. Towards the close of day he again casually glanced at Corinto
+and once more was involuntarily reminded of Herne Bay. And as he gazed
+upon the Central American town he came to the conclusion that it
+was about as formidable and about as well defended as the Kentish
+watering-place. And having arrived at this opinion he determined
+in his own mind that the taking of Corinto, as a feat of arms, was
+scarcely on a par with the Victory of Trafalgar.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A GRAND OLD MANNS.
+
+(_On his Seventieth Birthday._)
+
+  To MANNS of Crystal Palace fame,
+    _Punch_ sends his kindly greeting.
+  The ever keen, the never tame,
+    Time may he long be beating
+  (For Time it seems cannot beat him).
+    Time's darts may he resist all
+  With _baton_ brisk and eyes un-dim.
+    Beneath that dome of Crystal--
+  For many a year! And decades hence
+    _Punch_ hopes it may befa' that
+  He'll shout, before that choir immense,
+    "A _Manns'_ a Man for a' that!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CLASSIC CANDIDATE.--Mr. HOMER in West Dorset is the Independent
+Farmers' Candidate. He is, of course, more than a positive "Home
+Ruler," being a comparative hopeful "HOMER Ruler." But surely the
+language of HOMER must be Greek to most of his hearers, even at
+Bridport, and in view of the _poluphoisboio thalasses_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RAD TO THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER.
+
+(_On the Humdrum Budget._)
+
+  Just "As you were"! Ingenious, fair,
+    And all that, I've no doubt;
+  But titled swells you do not scare,
+    Nor rich monopolists flout.
+  I tolerate where I would praise.
+    Reform _is_ a slow grower!
+  _My_ spirits, WILL, it will not raise,
+    To see _your_ spirits lower!
+  Free Breakfast Table? Graduation?--
+    Chances seem getting fewer:
+  Well WILL, my only consolation
+    Is this--you've "copped the brewer!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the title of his new book, "ANTHONY HOPE" has taken the Roman
+_prenom_ which evidently by right belonged to him. There is no comma,
+nor introduction of "by," and so straight off we read in golden
+letters on the back, "_A Man of Mark Anthony Hope_." O Brave MARK
+ANTHONY! His readers have great faith in HOPE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARLIAMENTARY.--The nearest approach to a dead-lock is a live (J. G.)
+WEIR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW GALLERY QUERIES.
+
+Is Mr. HITCHCOCK'S "_Flight into Egypt_" a view of Dartmoor? and what
+are all those blue flowers? Borage, blue currants, corn-flowers, "new
+broom," gorse dyed blue for this occasion only, or what? I have been
+offered all these random suggestions by distinguished critics, but
+they somehow don't seem convincing.
+
+Why are the competitors in the charming swimming-match between
+Mermaids and Tritons so remarkably _dry_ in the upper parts? I always
+get decidedly damp when I enter the sea, but these ladies take to
+it like ducks--"_Dux f[oe]mina facti_" (as said an ancient poet in
+anticipation)--and so I suppose the water rolls off their backs.
+
+Will "_Her First Offering_" of grass and daisies go far towards
+softening the heart of a statuette? Her sister, last year, had a much
+more tempting "_Gift for the Gods_," but there is no accounting for
+divinities' tastes.
+
+What does Mr. KPOFFNH--dear me, I can _not_ get his name right?--mean
+by "_Sous les Arbres?_" Is it a man or a statue, a spook or a symbol?
+Why does he wear a marble wig? Why does his brown hair show underneath
+it? Why has he got a wall eye? Why is he "under the trees?" Why is
+he at large at all? Why---- But there, I give it up! I don't believe
+there are any answers to these conundrums!
+
+How is it I've been looking at "_Kit_" for two whole minutes before
+realising that there's a Persian cat in the composition? But she's a
+real beauty, when you _do_ coax her out of this "puzzle picture."
+
+Why (this is no new query!) have Sir EDWARD BURNE-JONES' Luciferians
+and Sleeping Beauties and peeresses and children and brides one and
+all the same world-weary expression? Why do they, without exception,
+look as if they were off to a funeral, or had just seen themselves
+in the glass? Are there no other colours in the land but dull green,
+steel-blue, ink-purple, and brick-red? Why do I immediately want to
+commit suicide after studying these masterpieces? Why doesn't Psyche
+cheer up a bit, even though she _is_ going to be married? _She_ wasn't
+a _[Greek: nea gune]_, I'm sure!
+
+Why does the dog in Mr. HOLMAN HUNT'S picture look as if it had
+softening of the brain? and why do I pass on hurriedly to the next
+picture?
+
+Will Miss REHAN'S left shoulder hold up her dress much longer, I
+wonder, in Mr. SARGENT'S portrait? I don't know, but I _have_ fears!
+
+Is the lady in Mrs. SWYNNERTON'S "_Sense of Sight_" preparing to
+catch a cricket ball, or cutting an acquaintance, or going to recite
+something? I _should_ like to know.
+
+Why couldn't some enterprising dentist supply the ladies in "_Echoes_"
+with false teeth, and why weren't they taken away quietly home,
+and not allowed to exhibit their other anatomical innovations? Echo
+answers to these and all my queries, "Why, indeed?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PROGNOSIS.
+
+"BY THE WAY, DOCTOR, THE 'NEW WOMAN,' DON'TCHERKNOW--WHAT'LL _SHE_ BE
+LIKE, WHEN SHE'S GROWN OLD?"
+
+"MY DEAR COLONEL, _SHE_'LL NEVER GROW OLD!"
+
+"GREAT SCOTT! YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY SHE'S GOING TO LAST FOR EVER!"
+
+"SHE WON'T EVEN LAST OUT THE CENTURY! SHE'S GOT EVERY MALADY UNDER THE
+SUN!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Chester Cup.
+
+    The _Rock Dove_ don't pooh-pooh,
+    A dove can make a _coup;_
+  The odds? You yet may nobble 'em.
+      'Tis four to one
+      'Gainst _Son of a Gun_,
+  But _Euclid_ is a problem.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, April 29._--When _Mr. Toots_, in agony of
+perturbed bashfulness, sat down on _Florence Dombey's_ best bonnet,
+he murmured, "Oh, it's of no consequence." SQUIRE OF MALWOOD does not
+resemble _Mr. Toots_ in any respect, not even that of bashfulness. But
+he has a way, when taking important move, of studiously investing it
+with appearance of "no consequence." Thus to-night, asking for lion's
+share of time for remaining portion of Session, he could hardly
+bring himself to uplift his voice: mumbled over phrases; coughed at
+conjunctions; half paralysed by prepositions; looked round with pained
+astonishment when Members behind cried, "Speak up!" Why should he
+trouble to speak up on so immaterial a matter? Still, to oblige, he
+would say all he wanted was to take for Government purposes, for rest
+of Session, all the time of House, save the inconvenient Wednesday
+afternoon sitting, and the inconsiderable Friday night.
+
+More marked this cultured mannerism when announcing immediate
+introduction of Bill prohibiting plural voting. This a genuine
+surprise. Not been talked of since House met. Nobody thinking of
+it. SQUIRE in almost whisper announced its introduction to-morrow.
+Astonished beyond measure at commotion created; the boisterous cheers
+of Liberals, the uneasy laughter of Opposition.
+
+"Most remarkable place this House of Commons," he said afterwards,
+gazing over my head into the infinite horizon, where shadowy figure
+of Local Veto Bill is visible to the eye of faith. "Always full of
+surprises even for old practitioners like you and me."
+
+PRINCE ARTHUR, much relishing this subtle humour, was himself in
+sprightliest mood. The whole business of Session, he protested, was an
+elaborate joke. If they were there to work, he would take off his coat
+and ding on with the best of them. But they were there to play.
+"Well, let us play," he said, holding out both hands with gesture of
+invitation to Treasury Bench.
+
+Proposal irresistible. House divided forthwith; SQUIRE'S motion
+carried by majority of 22; then, whilst half a dozen naval men talked
+water-tube boiler, PRINCE ARTHUR, SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, and picked
+company from either side went out behind SPEAKER'S Chair to play. Such
+larks! To see PRINCE ARTHUR take in a stride "the backs" given him by
+the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, with CAWMEL-BANNERMAN next; to see JOHN MORLEY
+seriously whipping a top; to watch BRYCE breathless behind the nimble
+hoop; to look on while EDWARD GREY, forgetful of China and Japan,
+thinking nothing of Nicaragua, played a game of marbles with HART
+DYKE; to see LOCKWOOD trying a spurt with DICK WEBSTER, the course
+being twice round the Division Lobby, ASQUITH, fresh from the
+Cab-arbitration, having handicapped them--to see this, and much else,
+was a spectacle wholesome for those engaged in it, interesting for the
+solitary spectator.
+
+_Business done._--Shipbuilding Vote in Navy Estimates agreed to.
+
+_Tuesday._--Odd thing that on this particular night, when Government
+bring in Bill prohibiting plurality of voting, BILL should bring in a
+Bill. His first and only Bill. Of course he might argue if we have one
+man one vote, one BILL one Bill is all right. Yes; but, as SARK with
+his keen mathematical instinct points out, this is a case of two
+Bills--BILL, the Member for Leek, and a Bill to empower magistrates
+to prohibit the sale of intoxicating liquors to persons previously
+convicted of drunkenness. That is obviously a plurality of Bills. But
+we are getting hopelessly mixed. The only man among us who sees clear
+is JOHN WILLIAM. Deep pathos in his voice as he says the time is near
+at hand when a tyrannical Government will attempt to enforce principle
+of "One Man One Drink."
+
+Cap'en TOMMY BOWLES had best of dreary evening. Mentioned yesterday,
+with tears from his honest blue eyes coursing down his rugged,
+weather-beaten cheek, fresh infamy on part of SQUIRE OF MALWOOD. Had
+announced on Thursday that, at Monday's sitting, Naval Works Loan
+Bill would be proceeded with. TOMMY accordingly clewed up, and ran for
+port; laying to for forty-eight hours, prepared speech on Naval Works.
+Now SQUIRE calmly announced that Shipbuilding Vote was to be taken.
+What was TOMMY to do with speech prepared on Naval Works Loans?
+
+[Illustration: Cap'en Tommy Bowles.]
+
+In despair yesterday; to-day bright idea struck him. SHAW-LEFEVRE had
+moved to introduce One Man One Vote Bill. Why shouldn't TOMMY, flying
+that flag, run in and deliver his speech on Naval Works? A bold
+experiment; only hope of success was that House, being in almost
+comatose state, wouldn't notice ruse if cleverly managed. Trust TOMMY
+for clever management. Holding sheaf of notes firmly in left hand,
+deftly turning them over with the hook that serves him for right hand,
+the old salt read his speech on Naval Works Loan Bill. Here and there,
+when he observed restless movement in any part of House, fired off
+phrase about "forty-shilling freeholder," "occupation votes," "rural
+constituencies," "re-distribution," "country going to the dogs,"
+"jerrymandering," and "right hon. gentleman opposite." Scheme worked
+admirably; speech reeled off, and SQUIRE OF MALWOOD'S knavish trick
+confounded.
+
+_Business done._--One Man One Vote Bill brought in.
+
+_Thursday._--House not to be moved to evidence of excitement even
+by prospect of Budget night. On such occasion in ordinary times
+attendance at prayer-time most encouraging to Chaplain. Begins to
+think that at last his ministrations are bearing fruit. This afternoon
+congregation not much above average. No rush for tickets for seats.
+When _Squire_ rose to open his statement, great gaps below Gangway on
+Ministerial side. The SQUIRE, recognising situation, refrained from
+heroics, content to deliver plain business speech. No exordium; no
+peroration; no flight into empyrean heights of eloquence as was the
+wont of Mr. G. Some sympathetic movement when SQUIRE, with momentarily
+increased briskness of manner, spoke of snap of cold weather in
+February, with its accompaniment of influenza, increased death-rate,
+and fuller flow of death duties into National coffers. The quality of
+this mercy was not quite unstrained. Not dropping, like the gentle dew
+from heaven, till February, increased death rates will not come into
+account till succeeding year. Still, there was rum. As thermometer
+fell rum went up with a rush.
+
+  Fifteen men on a dead man's chest.
+  High ho! and a bottle of rum.
+
+What with comforting the mourners, and imbibed as a preventive, rum
+brought a windfall of L100,000 into the Treasury.
+
+That was well in its way. But then there were those 75,000
+mean-spirited people who ought to have died last year, their estates
+paying tribute to CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER, and who positively insisted
+upon living. The long-trained fortitude of the SQUIRE nearly broke
+down when he mentioned this circumstance. Pretty to see how it also
+touched JOKIM. The wounds of riven friendship temporarily closed up;
+the rivalry of recent years forgotten in contemplation of these 75,000
+reckless, ruthless people, who, in defiance of law of average, didn't
+die in financial year ending March 31, 1895. The past CHANCELLOR OF
+EXCHEQUER and his successor in office mingled their tears. But for
+intervention of table they would probably have flung themselves into
+each other's arms and sobbed aloud.
+
+"Thus," said PRINCE ARTHUR, himself not unaffected by the scene, "doth
+one touch of nature make Chancellors of the Exchequer kin."
+
+_Business done._--Budget brought in.
+
+_Friday Night._--ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS submitted proposal to dock payment
+of L10,000 annuity to Duke of COBURG. Thinks H.R.H. might, in
+circumstances, get along nicely without it. SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE
+agrees. T. H. BOLTONPARTY, on the other hand, gravely differs. Folding
+his arms as was his wont on eve of Austerlitz, he regards ALPHEUS
+CLEOPHAS with awful frown. Imperial instincts naturally wounded. "No
+trifling with the personal revenues of our Royal cousins, whether at
+home or abroad," said T. H. BOLTONPARTY in the voice of thunder that
+once reverberated across the shivering chasms of the Alps.
+
+_Business done._--Proposal to cut off Duke of COBURG'S pension
+negatived by 193 votes against 72.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TWO WAYS OF DOING IT.
+
+FIRST WAY.
+
+_From the Representative of Her Britannic Majesty's Government to the
+---- Minister for Foreign Affairs._
+
+  _January_ 1, 18-0.
+
+I have the honour to inform your Excellency that I am instructed
+by the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs that Her Britannic
+Majesty's Government has reason to complain of the conduct of the
+Government of which your Excellency is the representative. I have the
+honour to say that it will be advisable for your Excellency to urge
+upon the Government of which your Excellency is the representative the
+necessity of inquiry into the matter as speedily as possible. I have
+further the honour to add that it will be gratifying to Her Britannic
+Majesty's Government if the Government of which your Excellency is
+a representative will give the matter to which I refer the earliest
+attention.
+
+_From the Representative, &c., to the ---- Minister, &c._
+
+  _January_ 1, 18-1.
+
+I have the honour to call the attention of your Excellency to the long
+and unsatisfactory correspondence that has passed during the last year
+between your Excellency as representing the Government of which you
+are the representative and the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs
+upon the matter of the despatch I had the honour to forward to your
+Excellency dated January 1, 18-0. I am directed to have the honour of
+requesting your Excellency to urge upon the Government of which your
+Excellency is a representative the necessity of a speedy settlement of
+the matter in dispute.
+
+_From the Representative, &c., to the ---- Minister, &c._
+
+  _January_ 1, 18-2.
+
+I have again the honour to call the attention of your Excellency to,
+&c. &c.
+
+    (_Rather longer than the foregoing one. Then follow two more
+    "from the same to the same" in 18-3 and 18-4. This is the
+    first way._)
+
+SECOND (AND SHORTER) WAY.
+
+_From British Admiral to ---- Minister._
+
+  _January_ 1, 18-5, 12 NOON.
+
+If you don't pay up within a quarter of an hour, I will bombard your
+capital, seize your country, and imprison the Government of which you
+are the representative.
+
+_From ---- Minister, &c., to British Admiral._
+
+  _January_ 1, 18-5, 12.10 P.M.
+
+Don't fire. Have sent money demanded by P.O.O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Predominant Partner.
+
+  'Tis to the "New National Party," 'tis clear,
+    That CHAMBERLAIN swears his affiance.
+  The Triple Alliance? Why, no, 'twould appear
+  The third, and predominant partner, is Beer,
+      So let's call it "The _Tipple_ Alliance."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.--To all, and especially to all travellers, on
+account of its portable size, the Baron begs to recommend a charming
+novelette written by GUY BOOTHABY, entitled _A Lost Endeavour_,
+published by DENT of Aldine House. When Mr. GUY BOOTHABY brings out
+another story equal to this, the Baron will be delighted to draw
+public attention to it by saying, "Here's another GUY--BOOTHABY."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN AWFUL MONSTER RECENTLY LET OUT IN A CHURCH!--A second-hand sermon
+with eight heads.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR THE LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.--"_Quantum snuff._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+108, May 11th, 1895, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 108, MAY 11TH, 1895 ***
+
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