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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/44759-0.txt b/44759-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..355151e --- /dev/null +++ b/44759-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1341 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44759 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +Volume 108, May 4th, 1895. + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + + + +MAY DAY. + +(_Strictly according to Precedent._) + + Open the windows, salute the day; + Welcome, welcome the First of May. + Everything's changed, or ought to be, + Buds are bursting on hedge and tree. + Sweet winds breathe from the West or South + Soft as a kiss from a maiden's mouth. + Everything speaks of warmth and love, + Bright is the sun in the blue above. + Out in the woods, I know. I know, + Fur and feather are all aglow. + Downy rabbits with jewel eyes + Dart about in a wild surprise. + Yellow-billed blackbird, speckled thrush, + Pour their notes in a tuneful gush. + And all the neat little boys and girls, + With clean fresh faces and hair in curls, + Sing in a chorus, "Hurray, hurray! + April's gone, it's the First of May!" + + * * * + + That's how I dreamt my May-day dream; + But things are not what they ought to seem. + For the wind--why, bless me, the wind is East, + And the birds don't warble or chirp the least. + The whole of the sky is wrapped in gloom. + And fires are lighting in every room. + And I shiver and sneeze and spend my day + In a winter-suit on the First of May. + + * * * * * + +AUK'D ABOUT.--The skin of a Great Auk was put up for sale last week, +but the reserved price was not reached. Evidently it was of bad omen +that it should have been put up at an "Auk-shun." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW BOY! + +"LOOK, FATHER, THIS IS YOUR NEW OVERCOAT." + +"BY GEORGE, IT FITS YOU CAPITALLY!" + +"YES, DOESN'T IT! YOU WILL NOW BE ABLE TO WEAR _MY_ OLD CLOTHES!"] + + * * * * * + +DRAMATIC FAMILY LIKENESS. + +For the plot of _The Passport_, recently produced with a fair amount +of success at Terry's Theatre, the authors admit their indebtedness +to Colonel SAVAGE'S novel, _My Official Wife_. Oddly enough, this plot +bears a considerable resemblance to that of _The Orient Express_, a +piece "made in Germany," of which the English adaptation was produced +here, at Daly's, during his season. In this piece, _i.e._, _The Orient +Express_, a gentleman has tourist tickets for himself and wife; but +his wife, after disposing of her ticket to a professional _cicérone_, +returns to England alone, while her husband, travelling on business, +continues his journey. The _cicérone_ has sold the ticket cheap to a +lady, who is therefore compelled to travel under the name inscribed on +the ticket, and finds herself in the same carriage with the gentleman +who has the corresponding ticket, and the ticket-collector, seeing +the same names, hands back both tickets to the gentleman, and tries +to keep the carriage strictly reserved for them all the way, in +which attempt he fails, and hence arise, on their return to England, +complications analogous to those of _The Passport_. Was the novel of +_My Official Wife_ written before the German farcical play, or is it +only a family likeness? + + * * * * * + +"IL IRA LOIN."--Dr. FARRAR, now Chaplain to the SPEAKER, has been made +Dean of Canterbury. From the Deanery to a Bishopric is but a step. +He has gone Far, will go FARRAR and fare better ... and then ... +FARRAR-well to all his greatness! + + * * * * * + +STRIKES À LA MODE DE PARIS. + +(_From the Diary of a Pleasure-seeker of the Future._) + +ROSE early, intending to have a real good time of it, in spite of the +recent disturbances. As a precautionary measure, wore my bullet-proof +coat and shell-defying boots. Carried also my armour-plated umbrella, +which can be used (on emergencies) as a shield to quick-firing guns. +Looked out of window, and found the weather splendid. Firing, too +(which I had heard every now and again during the night), seemingly +all but ceased. + +On reaching the street, representative of the Civil Power cautioned me +to be careful. Thanked the representative for his courtesy, and asked +why a squadron of hussars were trotting past with drawn sabres. Was +told that the soldiers were engaged in the protection of a sweep +journeying to his work in a donkey-cart. + +Started for a stroll, but had to seek shelter in a doorway from a +volley of bullets fired in the direction of the early milkman. From +this demonstration I gathered that the food supply would be still +further restricted owing to the action of the men on strike. After +the purveyor had beaten a hasty retreat, advanced upon a +strongly-fortified position, which turned out to be, as I expected it +would, a doubly-entrenched cab-stand. + +Only one vehicle on the rank. Engaged the cabman. Although I was +unaccompanied by a relative or friend, found the space at my disposal +distinctly limited. The top of the four-wheeler was, of course, +occupied by the customary rocket party. The box had its usual sentry, +carrying a couple of revolvers and a search-light. Three of the seats +inside were occupied by sharpshooters, and I retained the fourth. + +"We had better make for the river," said the officer in command, and +we fell in with the suggestion. + +Our progress was comparatively uneventful. Certainly at the corners +of streets we had to run the gauntlet of a shower of projectiles of +various dimensions; still, the armour-plated sides of the cab turned +aside the flood of iron, and the custodians, by lying flat as occasion +required, escaped without injury. Leaving the steel-protected cab, I +embarked on board an armoured penny steamboat, and made my way down +the river. Fortunately, the helmsman was able to avoid the submarine +mines which had been laid by the Chairman of the Strike Committee. Our +voyage was also rendered exciting by the torpedoes. + +Having reached the last pier, I returned to land, and was sufficiently +fortunate to catch an omnibus about to start on its exciting campaign. +The route, which ran chiefly through main thoroughfares, extended to +the length of four miles. Thanks to the exertions of all arms of the +service, the distance was traversed in about three hours. Every inch +of the ground was hotly contested, but the omnibus at length won +the day. The losses on our side consisted of a colonel killed, and +seventy-four rank-and-file wounded. The casualties on the side of the +strikers were infinitely more numerous. + +On reaching my destination, I made for home in a balloon, thus +escaping any further molestation. + + * * * * * + +PRESENTED AT COURT. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I notice that "an original dramatic caricature" is +being played at the Court Theatre, under the title of _Vanity Fair_. +To prevent mistakes, I write to say at once that I am on the eve of +constructing a three-volume novel, called _Hamlet, Prince of Denmark_; +a poem, called _Box and Cox_; and a satire, called _Macaulay's History +of England_. I merely mention this fact to protect my copyright in the +names I have chosen for my new works. I have also in contemplation the +writing of a book to be entitled _Adam Bede_, a novelette, to be +known as _King Solomon's Mines_, and a story to be y'clept _Treasure +Island_. May I add that I have also some pantomimes and +eccentric ballets nearly ready that will be christened, when +completed,--_Esmond_, _The Virginians_, _The Newcomes_, _Philip_, and +last, but not least, _Pendennis_. + + Yours truly, NOTHING IF NOT ORIGINAL. + +P.S.--I am thinking of adopting as a _nom de plume_ the signature of +"WILLIAM MAKEPEACE THACKERAY." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HIS FAVOURITE SUBJECT. + +_Imperial Artist._ "WISH I COULD HAVE GOT IT DONE IN TIME FOR THE +ROYAL ACADEMY. SURE TO HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED." + +[*** The Emperor of GERMANY has recently painted a sea-piece.]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: 1886. + +1896.] + + * * * * * + +HIS FAVOURITE SUBJECT. + +_Distinguished Amateur soliloquiseth:_-- + + _There!!!_ Egotistic ways are my abhorrence; + But if this masterpiece were only hung + In the Uffizi Gallery at Florence, + Where LEIGHTON, like a god, ambrosial, young, + And MILLAIS, in immortal manhood, stand, + Self-limned, for admiration of posterity, + I fancy that this work of my right hand + Would quite eclipse mere Genius, whose temerity + In challenging comparison with BIRTH + Is really getting something unendurable. + Aha! It moves me to sardonic mirth! + To dream of _my_ position as securable + By mere Bismarckian brain!!! Now, as the god, + _I_ come out admirably. Form and stature, + The threatening eye, and the earth-shaking nod, + All, all to me are simply second nature. + Globe-trampling foot, and hand that grips the bolt,-- + Aye, and the lyre when I would play Apollo-- + Are mine! Will low-born Genius dare revolt, + Or where _I_ lead Greatness decline to follow? + Absurd! I hardly know in what great guise + To paint my greatness! I have sung of Ægir, + But he was but a sea-god, and his size + And strength compared with mine were small and meagre. + I am a Joint-stock Deity, as 'twere, + Olympus in a nutshell, Neptune, Mars, + The Cloud-Compeller and the Sungod fair. + Here I'm pure Jove. And yet somehow it jars + Upon my spirit to be so restricted + To one immortal guise, however grand. + Hah! Gods by their own pencils thus depicted + Would make a New Valhalla e'en _my_ hand + Need not disdain to add to. If Narcissus + Had been a painter, now! There is no stream, + Though clear as my own Rhine or the Ilissus, + Could do me justice. I must _paint_ my dream + Of my Supernal Self. A mere reflection + From Nature's mirror would but mar my beauty. + No; I must limn myself for the inspection + Of men and gods; it is a simple duty. + _This_ does not satisfy me. And it is + Too late, I fear, for Grandmamma's R.A. + Besides, those English journalists _might_ quiz + Even Imperial Art. They've their own way + Too much by far in that ill-ordered isle, + Those cheeky critic-fellows. Let _me_ catch + A Teuton quill-driver who'll dare to smile + Upon a masterpiece he cannot match!!! + + [_Left touching it up._ + + * * * * * + +LITERARY. + +A book is announced entitled _Irish Humour through English Glasses_. +It will be followed, we hope, by a companion volume, entitled _English +(ill) Humour through Irish (Whisky) Glasses_. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Messrs. BLACKWOOD are issuing a standard edition of the works of +GEORGE ELIOT. _Adam Bede_, of course, comes first, admirably printed +in dainty volumes of blue and gold. Glancing over the work brings back +to the memory of my Baronite a certain schoolboy who, instead of going +home to dinner, used to spend the interval in the reading-room of a +free library, literally dining off _Adam Bede_, then just out. It +will be interesting to observe how far the public of to-day, more +especially the young men and maidens who read novels, will take to +GEORGE ELIOT. In this new standard edition opportunity, alike in +respect of charm and cheapness, is made alluring. + +_The Curse of Intellect_ is an unattractive title, suggestive rather +of a series of essays on the melancholy lives of certain geniuses +than of the weird tale--for such it is--of a Man-Monkey. This story, +published by Messrs. BLACKWOOD, and written by MACHIAVELLI COLIN +CLOUT, is a modern version of _Frankenstein_, the distinction being +that, whereas _Frankenstein_ constructed his own monster, the hero of +this romance, one _Reuben Power_, finds a monster ready to hand in a +kind of "Mr. Gorilla," whom he educates to speak a strange language, +also to read, write, and think in excellent English. This Converted +Ape kills his maker, and then considerately puts an end to his +own miserable existence; he does not, however, possess a soul +(_Frankenstein's_ Monster was also deficient in this respect). "For +O it is such a 'norrible tale;" and, except to those who occasionally +enjoy "a 'norrible tale," this cannot be recommended by + + THE BARON DE B.-W. + + * * * * * + +BLIND ALLEY-GORIES. + +BY DUNNO WÄHRIAR. + +(_Translated from the original Lappish by Mr. Punch's own Hyperborean +Enthusiast._) + +NO. III.--A SOCRATIC EXPERIMENT. + +The other day I went out for a walk. My thoughts circled round my head +like bees in a bonnet, and detached themselves slowly from the loose +white honeycomb of my brain to mirror themselves in my soul, as is +usual with me on such occasions. And, somewhere round the corner, a +voice lurked calling out remarks--what I knew not, only that they were +of a highly personal character. The people I met stared at me, and I +stared at them, for I had a presentiment that they were talking about +me, but I took no notice of them--beyond informing them that they were +cowards and blowflies, and requesting to be informed why they enclosed +their dirty interiors in glass. For I am Young GARNAWAY, and when +I take a walk, I generally exchange amenities of this kind with any +persons I happen to meet. + +At the Market Place, my friend the Tallow-chandler sat inside his +shop, dozing under a pale canopy of farthing dips. + +"Answer me a question," I begged of him. "Why does one yearn for +the top brick off the chimney when one is a child, and yet feel +dissatisfied when, as a man, one receives it on the top of one's +Sunday tile? Why does the sea bird fly inland in winter to get food +from the towns--only to turn up its beak when presented with a ticket +for soup? Why do we----?" + +[Illustration: "A clear and practical illustration."] + +My friend the Tallow-chandler answered never a word, but chuckled +foolishly to himself and retired behind a barrier of mottled soap. + +When I had gone a piece further I reached a back street, where I +found my friend the Bird-stuffer sitting on his doorstep, playing the +mouth-organ. + +"Answer me a question," I besought him. "Suppose you found out that +those who hold the reins of government in our town were educating +large blue-bottle flies to make apricot jam out of your and your +neighbours' pig-wash, would you write to the local paper about it, +even if you knew that the editor would decline to insert your letter?" + +My friend answered never a word; he only giggled in embarrassment, +struck up a mazurka on his mouth-organ, and began to dance sheepishly. + +But, down in Mud Alley, my friend the Dustcart-man sat at his open +window--a family idyll, wife and six small children, all eating onions +and fried fish. + +"Answer me a question," I prayed him. "If a person came to you and +said rudely, 'Better anything else than sitting here with your head +in the domestic halter among the potsherds and puffballs of the old +ideals; rather a jolly good row that ends in a fortnight's "hard" +than fat-headed, elephant-footed dulness here with your buzzing brood +around you!' If a person came to you and said that, what reply would +you give him?" + +My friend answered never a word; he was out of the window before I had +time to walk away; and in a very few moments I received a clear and +practical illustration of the sort of reply he would give to such a +question. + +As for me, I limped home as well as I could, and, when evening fell, +and I was done up in brown paper and vinegar, both my eyes gleamed in +the evening sun with the iridescent glitter of peacocks' tails. + + * * * * * + +"FOR THIS RELIEF, MUCH THANKS!" + + ["Fort Chitral, April 20.--Colonel KELLY'S force from Gilghit + arrived to-day.... Much sickness from bad food, excessive + work, and exposure. Conduct of troops admirable.... The + discipline, devotion, and fortitude displayed by all ranks + under circumstances which required all those qualities are + beyond all praise."--_Dr. Robertson's Summary of the Siege of + Chitral._] + + "Small time, but, in that small, most greatly liv'd + This star of England." + + _Chorus: King Henry the Fifth_, Act V., Scene 2. + + Only one more "little war,"--of course, + Precipitate pluck, and inadequate force-- + Such wars as our England wages + At terrible cost in British lives, + And orphan children and widowed wives, + Whereat, though greatly our glory thrives, + Our conscience sometimes rages. + + But such little wars may need great hearts, + And the wandering heroes who play their parts + For England, the wide world over; + Fight as well though they fight--and fall-- + In a leagured hut, by a shattered wall, + As though the purple of WELLINGTON'S pall + Each death-cold breast should cover. + + Devotion, fortitude, discipline? Yes! + They always shine in the perilous press, + Where British soldiers rally. + Shine as bright in the hopeless dark + Of the mad _mêlée_, though there's none to mark + The scattered wreckage ruddy and stark + Of the last brave stand or sally. + + We rejoice to hear, though we knew we should, + Chitral's defenders again made good + The glorious old tradition + Of loyalty to the flying flag. + Cynics may dub it the torn red rag, + But our tongues shall laud, whilst those tongues can wag, + That splendid "superstition." + + The men who stood, and the men who came + O'er ice-bound ridges with hearts aflame, + To relieve their leagured brothers, + Have all done well; and the tawny skin + Of those who helped us to war and win,-- + Well, your little Englander's less akin + To England than those others! + + "For this relief, much thanks!" And thanks + To dead, and living, and of all ranks. + Forget their service? Never! + "Small time," indeed, but as brightly shone + "This star of England," as it had done + On that stricken field when the lurid sun + Of the Corsican sank for ever. + + * * * * * + +A FIRST STEP + +TOWARDS HISTRIONICS. + +(_Under the guidance of Herr Goethemann._) + +_Question._ Have you witnessed the performance of the Actor-manager? + +_Answer._ No, but I have perused the tragedy of the Author-publisher. + +_Q._ Is it a curtain-raiser? + +_A._ No, but it is a hair-lifter, in three acts. + +_Q._ How many are the persons of the drama? + +_A._ Four. + +_Q._ Of these, how many are objectionable? + +_A._ Five. + +_Q._ Kindly resolve this paradox. + +_A._ All are objectionable that come on the stage, and one that +doesn't. + +_Q._ You speak of the stage; where has the play been given? + +_A._ Nowhere. It has not received a license. + +_Q._ Is it the close season? + +_A._ No, but so much private license was taken by the Author-publisher +that the public censor did not see his way to adding to the amount. + +_Q._ Then we shall not see it interpreted by intelligent actors? + +_A._ No, for even if license were granted, the Author-publisher would +take all the parts himself. + +_Q._ I do not follow this scheme of plurality. + +_A._ I quote from his own printed advertisement, "The right of +performing in public this play (_sic_) is reserved by the author." + +_Q._ Did you state that it is a tragedy? + +_A._ Yes, but inclining to farce. + +_Q._ Does it move the reader to pity and terror? + +_A._ Yes, both. Pity for himself, and terror of the next thing of the +kind that he may have to read. + +_Q._ Has it any other of the high qualities of the Greek Tragedy? + +_A._ It says it has the unities. + +_Q._ A severe attack? + +_A._ No, the Norwegian kind; a form of Teutonic measles, painful but +transitory. + +_Q._ Is it heroic? + +_A._ No, but it is suburban. + +_Q._ Is the conclusion worthy of a great tragedy? Does it end in a +lurid light of whole-souled passion and death? + +_A._ It ends about 4 A.M. the next day, with a cock crowing. The +protagonist has come home intoxicated, and remains so. I regret to +add that he pushes the heroine, she having displaced his beverage by +breaking the glass. She slaps him upon the face, and eventually loses +animation. I do not know how the other two end, because they were not +home in time for the curtain. As it was, the Author-publisher nearly +spoilt one of the unities through waiting for them. + +_Q._ All must be well that ends so well. Is there a problem or enigma? + +_A._ There is always the insoluble riddle--why did he write it? + +_Q._ Is it full of situations? + +_A._ Not inconveniently so; but there is a dramatic moment. + +_Q._ Which? + +_A._ I do not know. + +_Q._ Then why do you say there is one? + +_A._ Because the Author-publisher says so. + +_Q._ But is it not wasteful to have three acts, and only one dramatic +moment? + +_A._ I should have thought so; but the Author-publisher says he has +shown economy. + +_Q._ Could you give me an idea of the manner? Select a striking +incident or a passage where there is subtle characterisation. + +_A._ One situation impressed me very much. I think it must have been +the dramatic moment. I reserve it for my next. + + (_To be continued._) + + * * * * * + +FILIA PULCHRA, MATER PULCHRIOR. + + I loved a girl, divinely sweet, + An unsophisticated creature; + I did not scruple to repeat + She was divine, you could not meet + More charms displayed in form and feature. + + I loved her youthful grace, her slight + And dainty form, an angel's seeming. + Crowned by sweet hair, as dark as night, + Her face would charm an artist's sight, + A poet's thoughts, a lover's dreaming. + + I loved her dark and lustrous eyes, + Which love might light with glowing passion, + Her lips, her neck--you will surmise + I wrote her rhymes, all tears and sighs + In lovesick versifier's fashion. + + I loved her like a childish pet, + I felt I could not love another, + Until the day when first I met + Her widowed mother, charming yet, + And now, instead, I love her mother. + + I love the woman, for the rose, + Full blown, excels the rosebud's beauty, + Nor think of girlish charms since those + No more inspire my Muse, which shows + My Muse is fit for any duty. + + I love her, stately as a queen + Whom VERONESE might have painted, + Blue-eyed, with hair of golden sheen-- + That's just the one thing which has been + A trouble since we've been acquainted. + + I love not charms I loved before, + Dark as the night, or, say a hearse is. + Now auburn beauty pleases more, + My wasted hours I deplore-- + I've had to alter all those verses. + + * * * * * + +EPPING AND OVERSTEPPING.--At a meeting of forest borderers, Wanstead, +it was asserted that since the Corporation had had control of the +forest, upwards of 100,000 trees had been felled. If true, the members +of the Corporation-Epping-Forest-Committee will henceforth be known as +"those fellers!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ANIMAL SPIRITS." + +NO. XII.--OUTSIDE EXETER HALL.] + + * * * * * + +TO CIRCE. + + "If doughty deeds my lady please," + Though somewhat old and gouty, + The first occasion I will seize + Of doing something "doughty"; + "If gay attire delights your eye, + I'll dight me in array" + Which every casual passer-by + Will think extremely gay. + + "If sweetest sounds can win your ear," + I'll cheerfully begin + (Though somewhat late in life, I fear), + To learn the violin; + In fact, whatever task you set, + You'll speedily discover + That in the writer you have met + A most submissive lover. + + I could exemplify the fact + Through several extra verses, + How I would please, by every act, + My kindliest of CIRCE'S; + And yet by destiny malign + You've happened just to choose + The single task which, though divine + The bidder, I refuse. + + The single task--and pardon, pray, + If, not without compunction, + Reluctantly I disobey + Your positive injunction: + Ask what you will, I'll undertake + The deed, however big, + But do not----blind my eyes and make + Me try to draw a pig! + + * * * * * + +TO A PICTURE. + + You pretty face, upon my wall, + Enshrined in glass and oak and gold, + Most charming deaf-mute--and withal + My confidante--whate'er befall, + My trust in you will rest untold, + You pretty face! + + What do they call you? Is it "Spring"? + Or "Blossoms"? or "The Coming Race"?-- + It matters not in any case, + Your name may be just anything + For all I care, you pretty face. + + You bring me back old scenes anew, + You've something of my lady's grace, + Of her sweet features just a trace, + And so I have re-christened you-- + I won't say what--you pretty face! + + I have no portrait to recall + The sweetest of all maids to me, + Nor have I need of one at all, + Yet, seeing you upon my wall, + By pleasing "make-believe" I see + Her pretty face! + + * * * * * + +BABY'S DIARY. + + ["The Nursery Tricycle contains two seats, one for the + mistress and one for the maid and her charge, and has two + pairs of pedals."--_Daily Paper._] + +This is rather fun! Ever so much better than those crawling old +mail-carts and perambulators. Wonder mother and nurse never thought +of it before. A pneumatic tandem, too, I notice. Hope they understand +blowing tire up again when it bursts. + +Nurse a duffer at pedalling. A mere passenger! Have to keep her up +to the mark by crying. Frightened a pony in a trap. Sarcastic driver +said, "_You_ don't want a bell to _your_ machine with that child +yelling like a tom-cat on fire." Gives me a hint--I must see how our +cat _does_ yell when it's on fire. + +Really, I never saw such steering! Mother has just run us into a +brick wall. Disgraceful! Why wasn't she taught tricycling when she was +young? Her education has certainly been horribly neglected. + +[Illustration] + +Why should I sit in the middle, though? Can't see the country +properly. Make another protest--louder, if possible. Passing +pedestrian observes, "You should call your machine a crycycle, not +a tricycle." Put out my tongue at him. Nurse offers to give me a +"pick-a-back"; says she can pedal too! The old humbug! Scratch her +face. Mother offers me a seat on front handle. Not half bad. + +Fresh air makes one uncommonly hungry. Time for my bottle. Insist on +my outriders stopping at a public for milk. Find the pony, trap, and +sarcastic driver stopping there too. Latter says to Mother, "So you've +brought the infant phenomenon with you, Ma'am!" Wonder what he means. +He adds something about a "fog-horn." Rude, I fancy. + +Back homewards. Awfully sleepy after that milk. Curious milk. Perhaps +sarcastic person drugged it to quiet me? Fast asleep. Wakened by +crash! Stars! Oh, _what_ is it? Try to yell--can't--mouth full of +something. + +Later. In my cot, thank Heaven! Heard doctor say, "Severe shock, but +no bones broken." Awful headache. Seems that break went wrong going +down-hill. Well, no "safety tandem" for _me_ again--can't _stand 'em_, +myself, not being in favour of infanticide. Give _me_ a good old mail +cart! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FELINE AMENITIES. + +_Miss Tregushing._ "OH YES! THERE ARE SUCH _LOVELY_ SEAS AND SKIES +IN CORNWALL, AND SUCH ROCKS AND CAVES--AND SEALS--AND THE _MOST_ +MAGNIFICENT WILD WAVES YOU EVER SAW--AND----" + +_Mrs. Frou-Frou._ "BUT NO DRESS-MAKERS, I SUPPOSE!"] + + * * * * * + +JOHN STANDS ALOOF. + +(SHIMONOSEKI, 1895.) + + ["Circumstances might arise, of course, in which we should + feel called upon to safeguard our interests, but so far we + discern no adequate ground for interference."--_The "Times" + on the Joint Protest of Russia, France and Germany against the + annexation portion of the Treaty of Shimonoseki._] + + AIR--"_The Heathen Chinee._" + + JOHN BULL _sings:_-- + + I stand by, and I mark, + And I see some things plain; + And the looks that are dark + At the JAP'S game, and gain, + From that Heathen Chinee, are peculiar; + But aloof _I_'m content to remain! + + AH SIN at the game + Thought him chipper and spry; + But he's "spoofed" all the same-- + (Whatsome'er _that_ imply)-- + And his smile is less pensive and childlike + Than when he once played with BILL NYE. + + Little JAP _looked_ absurd-- + As regarding mere size-- + And some people inferred + He was feeble likewise; + Yet he's played it this time upon JOHNNY + In a way it's scarce safe to despise. + + In the saffron pair's game + I did not take a hand. + Some conceived that the same + JAP did not understand; + But his grin somehow soon turned the tables + On "the smile that was childlike and bland." + + 'Tis a theme for BRET HARTE, + P'raps he only could show + The artful JAP'S art-- + If I may put it so-- + In a way which is worthy the subject. + But _me_ interfere, gents? Why, no! + + If JAP'S cards had been stocked-- + Which I do not believe-- + Had our feelings been shocked + By the state of JAP'S sleeve; + We might have had reason for charging + The same with intent to deceive. + + But the hands he has played + With that Heathen Chinee, + And the points he has made, + Are, as far as I see, + The result of good play _plus_ good fortune; + And _does_ it concern you or me? + + The Russ standing by + Turned his glance upon me. + (For the JAP'S pile _was_ high.) + And he hissed, "Shall this be? + Must I have this smart JAP for a neighbour? + Shall _he_ clear out the Heathen Chinee?" + + Swarthy FRANÇOIS looked glum, + Ginger HANS rubbed his chin: + But I smoked and stood mum, + As the JAP raked the tin. + Then I says, "He's played fairly and squarely. + So what call have _we_ to cut in? + + "In the game, as you know, + You would not take a hand, + But a short while ago; + So let JAPPY now land + The stakes, and AH SIN take his hiding + At the game his foe _does_ understand. + + "JOHNNY thought himself strong + At that game; but the facts + Seem to prove he was wrong; + And unwisely he acts + In howling at getting in warfare + What's frequent in warfare--that's whacks! + + "Which is why I remark, + And my purpose is plain, + That looks that are dark + At the JAPPY are vain. + And, although you may think me peculiar, + Aloof--for the time--I remain!" + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING IN THE WAY OF "GREAT EXPECTATIONS."--When JABEZ S. BALFOUR +arrives, no doubt his first visit will be to the editor of the _Penny +Illustrated Paper_, in which paper appeared the portrait of him +as "Mayor of CROYDON," wearing his chain of office--alas! the +chain!--that led directly to his identification and arrest. The +photograph was taken first and JABEZ was taken afterwards. Will JABEZ +S. BALFOUR call in at the office of the _P. I. P._ and say, with _Joe +Gargery_, "Ever the best of friends, ain't us, _P. I. P._?" Not quite +likely. + + * * * * * + +PROPOSED CHANGE OF NAME.--If Sir WHITTAKER ELLIS agrees to the scheme +for adding Bute House Estate--a Bute-iful property--to Richmond Park, +thus preserving it from the builders, then will he be gratefully +remembered as "WISEACRE ELLIS." + + * * * * * + +"BAR GOLD."--Fees to barristers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JOHN STANDS ALOOF. + +RUSSIA. "IS HE TO HAVE ALL _THIS?_" + +JOHN BULL. "WELL--HE'S PLAYED A SQUARE GAME--_I_ DON'T SEE ANY CALL TO +INTERFERE!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MAY I. THE SWEEPS' FESTIVAL. + +A STUDY IN BLACK AND WHITE. *** NICE FOR NEXT FARE.] + + * * * * * + +REMARKABLE INSTANCE OF SAGACITY IN GROUSE. + +To _The Field_ of April 20, Mr. FREDERICK MILBANK wrote about the +"Monument to a Grouse Shooter" on Wimmergill Moor. Mr. MILBANK +considered the number of grouse he had bagged as constituting a +"record," and so caused a monument to be erected on the spot sacred to +the memory of four thousand brace of grouse shot in six days by five +guns with one extra gun on the sixth day. The monument, being erected, +_scared the grouse away_. Of course they read the sad story, held a +council, and decided that as long as F. A. MILBANK was anywhere +about, within shot, they would preserve themselves by avoiding him. +Subsequently the monument was removed to Bamingham in North Yorkshire. +But the North Yorkshire birds are quite indifferent to this tale +from The Hills. They wink the other eye, that is until such time as +FREDERICK A. MILBANK shall show them the sort of gun _he_ is, and then +they'll be sorry for not having taken warning earlier, unless they +possess the sagacity of the grouse of Wimmergill, which resembles +that of _Mr. Jingle's_ dog, who read the inscription on the board, +"Gamekeeper has orders to shoot all dogs found in this inclosure," and +"wouldn't pass it." "Singular circumstance that," said _Mr. Pickwick_. +"Will you allow me to make a note of it?" + + * * * * * + +THE MODERN BUYER: + +GROWLS OF MODERN "MASTERS." + +_Royal Academy, Burlington House, May 3, 1895._ + + The "Old Masters" over, the New make a start. + Another year's past and another year's come; + And Fame blows a blast on her trumpet, and Art + Beats her drum! + + "Walk Up!!" An example is set by the Court; + And Society hastens--a feverish throng; + A mere glance at the pictures, for life is but short-- + And Art's long! + + Three artists looked on with a cynical smile-- + One needy Outsider, and two rich R.A.'s + (Both walking on velvet, because of the pile + They could raise). + + They discussed the "Art Patron"--in all of that crowd + An _avis_ that's _rara_ and _rara_ each year. + And these are the words that they spoke, and allowed + Me to hear:-- + +_First R.A._ + + "Now, to none do I yield in my love of VANDYCK-- + I adore the Italians--bow down to the Dutch; + VELASQUEZ I worship, and GOYA I like + Very much. + + "But alas! for the SHEEPSHANKS and VERNONS of old-- + For the HILLS and the rest of a connoisseur race! + Old MECÆNAS has gone; and investors of gold + Take his place." + +_Second R.A._ + + "'Old Masters' they buy--any ancient design-- + Eighteen-thirty or so is the latest they'll own; + None but 'made reputations'--no work, howe'er fine, + If unknown." + +_Outsider._ + + "Their Art's in their bankers'-books, not in their eyes + To encourage the artist is none of their plan; + They seek an investment that's likely to rise-- + To a man. + + "Do they think that fine art nowhere else can be seen + But in saint that is squint-eyed, or boor that is drunk, + In brown tree, Dutch canal, man with ruff, or the lean + Spanish monk?" + +_Second R.A._ + + "Just reflect to what artists of old had been brought + (Such as REYNOLDS, or RAPHAEL, or PHIDIAS the Greek) + Had their patrons informed them they meant to buy nought + But antique!" + +_Outsider._ + + "Then, _our_ drawing is better--our atmosphere too. + _Plein air_ was ignored, or they voted it vice. + As to '_values_,' 'twas little they thought of or knew-- + Save of price." + +_First R.A._ + + "When men buy modern art, they buy Leightons and Moores + And Sargents and Swans and the rest of our lot; + But as to their _knowledge_--like mine or like yours-- + Tommy rot!" + +_Second R.A._ + + "Do you think they appreciate LEWIS'S skies-- + Do they care if they're worked up in stipple or wash? + Do you think it's the _Art_ (not the money) they prize? + Simply bosh!" + +_Outsider._ + + "No. They judge not by Art--they judge only by fame; + And the artist may starve on his poor pallet-bed; + But their hundreds and thousands they shower on his name + When he's dead!-- + + "When the two Greatest Masters--Old Varnish and Time-- + To his work superficial beauties have lent, + Lo behold, they appreciate! Be it so. _I'm_ + Quite content." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "1895." THE ROYAL ACADEMY FIELD DAY.] + + * * * * * + +A FRIEND AT A PINCH. + +(_An Utterly Impossible Incident that will never be "Reported."_) + + SCENE--_A Court of Law. Experienced Counsel arguing a point in + the teeth of his Lordship on the Bench._ + +_His Lordship_ (_angrily_). No, Mr. BANDS, I really cannot agree with +you. It seems to me that you are merely wasting our time, and no doubt +your own. + +_Experienced Counsel_ (_politely_). Not at all, my Lord. I scarcely +venture to urge the great importance of the matter to my client. + +_His Lordship._ No doubt; and your client showed excellent judgment +in entrusting his interests to your hands. Still law is law, and can +never be anything else. + +_Exp. C._ Your Lordship is most kind. But my point, my Lord, is so +plain--the matter is so clear. Surely your Lordship must see it. + +_His Lordship_ (_with much irony_). It is my fault, no doubt, Mr. +BANDS, but as matter of fact your point is absolutely lost to me. I +confess I cannot see it at all. + +_Exp. C._ I would not propose for a moment that your Lordship's +judgment is at fault. But I would venture to suggest that the +atmosphere of the Court is sufficiently dense to cloud the clearest +and most brilliant intellect. + +_His Lordship_ (_mollified_). There is a good deal in what you say, +Mr. BANDS, but of course, we must put up with it. There is no remedy. + +_Exp. C._ With every possible respect to the Bench, my Lord, I would +humbly suggest that there is a remedy. + +_His Lordship._ Can you quote a case? + +_Exp. C._ I can, at any rate, refer to an opinion. + +_His Lordship._ Has it been reported? + +_Exp. C._ Certainly, my Lord. You will find it in the Reports of the +Hardwicke Society. Lord Chief Justice RUSSELL OF KILLOWEN has laid +it down that snuff is a most valuable assistance to the proper +dispensation of justice. His Lordship has declared that the inhaling +of prepared tobacco through the nostrils "clears the judicial brain, +predisposes it to calmness and impartiality, and enables a learned +judge to listen with patience to the most fluent and prolific of +forensic orators." If your Lordship pleases. + + [_Offers snuff-box to the Judge._ + +_His Lordship_ (_after taking a pinch_). Well, certainly the point you +have raised seems clearer to me than it did. (_After a few moments of +consideration._) I will reserve the case for further consideration, +and will deliver judgment later. + +_Exp. C._ As your Lordship pleases. I will ask the usher to hand my +authorities to your Lordship. + +_His Lordship_ (_receiving snuff-box_). You are very good. I will +not overlook their assistance in coming to a conclusion. I hope the +occasion may never arise when I might be compelled, as the vulgar +tongue expresses it, to "give you snuff." + + [_Scene closes upon mutual courtesies._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OH, I'M GLAD YOU'VE GOT A PIANO IN THE ROOMS! WHAT IS +IT?--A BROADWOOD?" + +"NO, MUM. MYOGH'NY!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, April 22._--Easter holidays over; school +back; new master in charge; process of installation a little lacking +in pomp and circumstance. This due in large measure to incidence of +holiday. At Westminster, as at other schools, boys don't insist, _vi +et armis_, on returning on the opening day. Wide gaps on most of the +benches; Front Opposition Bench a wilderness. PRINCE ARTHUR and all +his merrie men abstained from lending to installation of new Speaker +the grace and comfort of their presence. + +"It is quite true, dear boy," PRINCE ARTHUR said, when I gently +hinted that the Leader of Opposition should have been present on such +occasion, "that when our man was defeated I said, Mr. WILLIAM +COURT GULLY having been elected by a majority of the House, is +representative of the whole House. But it's a long name, you know, and +in ordinary practice I must stop short at WILLIAM. You can't expect me +to COURT GULLY." + +Amid depressing circumstances as far as attendance went, new Speaker +bore himself faultlessly. Quick-change process watched with breathless +interest from Ladies' Gallery. First, Speaker-Elect, preceded by Mace, +entered, attired in Court dress with close-fitting bob-wig. At summons +of Black Rod, proceeded to House of Lords; placed at Bar in custody of +Black Rod and Sergeant-at-Arms; not even "accommodated with a chair." +There to receive HER MAJESTY'S sanction of choice of Speaker made by +Commons. Happened that the QUEEN couldn't come. One of the cloaked and +wigged figures on Woolsack mentioned the matter in charmingly casual +way. + +"It not being convenient for HER MAJESTY to be personally present +at this time," said a voice which bewrayed the LORD CHANCELLOR, "a +Commission has been issued under the Grand Seal empowering the +Lords named therein to convey Royal Assent to Commons' selection of +Speaker." + +LORD CHANCELLOR quite friendly with Speaker-Elect, whom he familiarly +addressed as "Mr. GULLY." Spoke highly of his talents, diligence, +and sufficiency to fulfil important duties to which it had pleased +majority of Commons to call him. Said he had made it all right with +the QUEEN, and that WILLIAM COURT might go back to Commons, and get +about his business. SPEAKER, not to be outdone in geniality, begged +his anonymous friend, one of five muffled up in scarlet gowns, in +the event of any mess being made with matters in the other House, to +impute the blame to him alone, and let the other fellows go scot-free. + +Amongst crowd of Commoners clustered behind SPEAKER there was scarcely +a dry eye when this noble sentiment was uttered. + +"Solong!" said the voice that was certainly the LORD CHANCELLOR'S. +Taking this as hint to retire, SPEAKER withdrew from the Bar, and left +the House "Without a stain on his character," as the Earl of CORK and +ORRERY handsomely said. Returned to Commons in procession, with Mace +lightly but firmly carried by Sergeant-at-Arms. Instead of taking +Chair, marched round by passage to the rear, disappeared from view. +Consternation in Strangers' Gallery. + +"He's bolted!" one gentleman whispered to his neighbour. "Funked it +when the music stopped and he came to the hosses." + +After few moments of growing uneasiness, a fine figure, in +full-bottomed wig, silken gown, beneath which silver-buckled shoes +shimmered, emerged from behind SPEAKER'S Chair, and seated itself in +it. "Order! Order!" said a full, pleasant voice; and WILLIAM COURT +GULLY entered upon what promises to be a prosperous and distinguished +career. + +SARK tells me that, on going into Committee of Supply, he intends to +move that henceforward the gallery over the Clock facing the Chair +shall be called "The Speaker's Gullery." SARK always thinks of the +right thing at the right time. + +_Business done._--New Speaker installed. + +_Tuesday._--The Order by which Ministers took Tuesdays having lapsed, +private Members to-night came into their own again. Always stoutly +resist incursion of greedy Governments on their small possessions. +Might reasonably be supposed that, having come into their inheritance, +would have made most of it. Lots of things to do to-night. Several +resolutions on paper, with Orders of Day to follow. What happened was +that by a quarter to nine enthusiasm finally evaporated; count called; +only thirty-seven Members responded; lights forthwith put out. + +Opening debate on Charity Commission certainly a little heavy. Every +Member who got his chance felt it incumbent on him to speak for at +least half an hour. Some considerably exceeded this limit. + +"_Parturiunt montes_," said HERBERT MAXWELL, wearily looking round +as GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN followed JOHN ELLIS and JESSE COLLINGS succeeded +FRANCIS STEVENSON; "_nascitur ridiculus mus_." + +And so it was. Particular mountain at work when the mouse appeared was +J. W. LOWTHER. Mouse entered from behind SPEAKER'S Chair; leisurely +proceeded along passage between Front Opposition Bench and table at +which J. W. was speaking disrespectfully of JESSE COLLINGS. Halted by +PRINCE ARTHUR'S empty seat; nibbled fibre of matting in remonstrance +at his absence; passed round fearlessly by J. W.'s heels; sat +for moment in full view of House listening attentively to J. W.'s +argument; yawned and sauntered back the way it came. Interest in +debate evidently keener than that of average Member. As soon as +ACLAND'S voice reverberated through almost empty Chamber, mouse +observed strolling back along familiar way; took its seat on floor +under shadow of Mace in defiance of all Parliamentary rule; followed +ACLAND'S argument with evidently keen interest. Interrupted by +approach of RICHARD TEMPLE. Quickly looking up and catching sight of +his stately figure bowing to SPEAKER, mouse fled like the wind, in its +terror making off by Treasury Bench, finally escaping by another exit. + +"_Cogitato_" said HERBERT MAXWELL, who breakfasts every morning off a +plate of porridge and a page of PLAUTUS,-- + + "Cogitato, mus pusillus quam sit sapiens bestia, + Ætatem qui uni cubili nunquam committit suam." + +_Business done._--Pension of £4,000 a year voted to ARTHUR WELLESLEY +PEEL, late Speaker. + +[Illustration: Fancy Picture of Sir Thomas Esmonde bringing forward +Queen "Lily o' Killarney" Hawaii.] + +_Thursday._--All very well for gay young Irish baronet like ESMONDE to +champion cause of errant Queens throned in summer seas. Expected other +things from THE MACGREGOR. House quite shocked when he interposed just +now. ESMONDE asked EDWARD GREY whether Government could do anything +to obtain proper treatment for Queen of Hawaii. Before Under Secretary +could reply, THE MACGREGOR, suddenly leaping across dyke as it were, +interposed. "As I happen to know the lady who was formerly Queen of +Hawaii," said THE MACGREGOR, and so proceeded to back up ESMONDE'S +plea. Offhand way in which reference was made suggested illimitable +possibilities, THE MACGREGOR just "happened to know" this Queen, +probably one of a bevy. On some quiet night House might hope to hear +paper read by THE MACGREGOR on "Queens I Have Known." + +SARK curiously anxious as to where the acquaintance was made, and how +it was nurtured. Did THE MACGREGOR vaccinate Her Majesty whilst he, +still in public capacity, sojourned at Penrith? Was she an inmate of +Peebles Hydropathic Institute what time he was resident physician? or +did he minister to her at the Barnhill Hospital and Asylum, Glasgow, +of which, before he took to Imperial politics, he was superintendent? +Pleasanter still to think of THE MACGREGOR and the Queen with the +musical name wandering hand in hand amid the orange groves of sea-girt +Hawaii, breakfasting on the bountiful bread-fruit, lunching off the +succulent yam. Did he in those days call her so much as LILIUOKALANI? +or did he venture on the diminutive LILI? SARK had better give notice +of these questions. _Business done._--Fresh Ministerial Bills brought +in with both hands. + +_Friday._--Another private Members' night, and, by consequence, +another count out. Things kept going till a quarter to eight, but +only with utmost difficulty. Members consented to stay in prospect +of division on ALBERT ROLLIT'S motion protesting against exemption +of Government property from rating. But they would not longer linger. +When LUBBOCK followed, with proposal of pleasant chat about London's +share of imperial contribution to local purposes, the few remaining +Members, vainly trying to look as if they'd be "back in ten minutes," +walked out. House counted; only twenty-five present, and so home to +dinner. + +"Yes, yes," said WALTER LONG, left in charge of Front Opposition +Bench, "but this won't prevent us on Monday, when SQUIRE OF MALWOOD +proposes to take Tuesday and Friday mornings for public business, +stubbornly resisting piratical incursion on the rights of private +Members. Whatever we are, let us be logical." + +_Business done._--Ministerial defeat on ROLLIT'S amendment averted by +majority of one. + + * * * * * + +THE BATTLE OF EASTBOURNE. + + Natis in usum lætitiæ rosis + Pugnare Eastbourni est. + + HORACE (_slightly emended_). + +It is not the English nature, but the English climate that makes us +take our pleasures sadly (if we do, which we don't). And it is not +the fault of the English nature, but of the organisers, if our public +pageants are usually, like our statues, more or less good-humoured +burlesques of what they are meant to represent. Now Eastbourne has +triumphantly shown that, in spite of chilling and heavy rain, +England can rival the sunny South in the beauty and variety of a big +procession of floral cars. And if Eastbourne can do this, why can it +not be done elsewhere? "Organise, organise, organise," and let the +hireling merrymaker be conspicuously absent. Your hireling will still +wear his armour as if he were bearing the _spolia opima_ of a burgled +marine-store dealer. And the lady hireling, as a sea-nymph or a +shepherdess, can never quite forget what she owes to her dignity as a +respectable married woman. In the interests of the family exchequer, +and in the way of business, she may consent to dally with allegory, +but her heart is not in the mermaid's grot, nor do the spacious times +of Great ELIZABETH inspire her, beyond the Victorian circus-smile, +the circus-smile which puts a girdle round about the face for +forty minutes, or more if the procession be so long a-field. At the +Eastbourne Battle of Flowers everyone lived up to his or her coach, +carriage, wheel-barrow or cart, in a way which speaks volumes for the +artistic sense of the South Saxons. The children, as children use, +took the cake--after Mr. EDGAR BRUCE. They were there in great numbers +and variety, from the little _Titania_ in her fairy goat-chaise, o'er +canopied with flowers and flying doves, to the very small skipper of +the very realistic ship, who stood on the rainy deck with drawn sword +and unswerving dignity for some two hours of constant and crowded +parading. "Bravo, BURNABY," is the resultant cry of gratified +spectators, and better weather next time. A better show it would be +ungrateful to suggest. + + * * * * * + +Umra Khan's Consigne. + +When headstrong chieftains say "I shan't," + Or do the things they're bidden not to, +Like UMRA KHAN (now UMRA can't), + They'll find "_non possumus_" their motto. + + * * * * * + +AGRICULTURAL PROSPECTS.--The Kent farmers are looking forward to a +hoppy future. "What's the odds" to _them_ "as long as they're hoppy?" + + * * * * * + +"A 'FELT' WANT."--A comfortable _and_ respectable-looking billycock +hat. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + + +Page 205: 'thorougfares' corrected to 'thoroughfares' + + "The route, which ran chiefly through main thoroughfares,..." + +Page 208: 'preson' corrected to 'person' + + "If a person came to you and said that, what reply would you + give him?" + +Page 208: 'ongues' corrected to 'tongues' + + "But our tongues shall laud, whilst those tongues can wag,..." + +Page 209: 'isplaye' corrected to 'displayed' + + "More charms displayed in form and feature." + +Page 209: 'break', possibly (Oxford English Dictionary), break^{3} - +n. Carriage-frame with no body, for breaking in young horses; large +wagonette. Seems correct in context: + + "Seems that break went wrong going down-hill. Well, no "safety + tandem" for _me_ again--can't _stand 'em_, myself, not being in + favour of infanticide. Give _me_ a good old mail cart!" + +[^ represents a superscript.] + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +108, May 4th, 1895, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44759 *** diff --git a/44759-h/44759-h.htm b/44759-h/44759-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ba82f4f --- /dev/null +++ b/44759-h/44759-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1667 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" +"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en" xml:lang="en"> + +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 108, May 4th, 1895.</title> + +<link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" /> + + <style type="text/css"> + + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + #coverpage {border: 1px solid black;} + .tn {width: 35em; margin: 0 auto; background-color: #ffffee; color: #000000; margin-top: 3em;} + p {text-align: justify;} + .ind {margin-left: 2em; margin-right: 2em;} + .ind1 {margin-left: 3em; margin-right: 3em;} + .ind2 {margin-left: 5em; margin-right: 5em;} + .ind3 {margin-left: 10em; margin-right: 10em;} + .rindent {text-align: right; margin-left: 30%; margin-top: -0.5em;} + h1 {line-height: 150%;} + h2.sq {line-height: 150%;} + h3.sq {line-height: 150%;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + p.title1 {text-align: center; text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.6; margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: 0;} + p.title2 {text-align: center; text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; margin-top: 1em; margin-bottom: 0;} + p.title2a {text-align: center; text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; margin-top: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em;} + small {font-size: 70%;} + .small {font-size: 70%;} + .smaller {font-size: 50%;} + big {font-size: 140%;} + .sans {font-family: sans-serif;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + .center {text-align: center;} + hr {width: 100%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.medium {width: 76%;} + html>body hr.medium {margin-right: 12%; margin-left: 12%; width: 76%;} + p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 2em;} + span.pagenum {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + .aster {font-size: 1.2em; font-weight: bold;} + ul.none {font-size: 1em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; list-style-type: none; line-height: 150%;} + + .width18 {max-width: 18em;} + .width21 {max-width: 21em;} + .width24 {max-width: 24em;} + .width27 {max-width: 27em;} + + .poem {margin: auto;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em auto;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + .poem p.i12 {margin-left: 6em;} + .poem p.i28 {margin-left: 14em;} + + @media handheld { + .poem {display: block; margin-left: 1.5em;} + } + + .figcenter, .figright, .figleft {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 1em 0 0 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + a.ask:link {color: blue;background: inherit; font-size: 1.0em; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none;} + a.ask:visited {color: blue;background: inherit; font-size: 1.0em; font-weight: normal;text-decoration: none;} + + @media handheld { +.figleft { +float : none; +text-align : center; +margin-right : 0; +} +} +@media handheld { +.figright { +float : none; +text-align : center; +margin-left : 0; +} +} +@media handheld { +body { +margin-left : 2%; +margin-right : 2%; +margin-top : 1%; +margin-bottom : 1%; +} +hr { +margin-top : 0.1em; +margin-bottom : 0.1em; +visibility : hidden; +color : white; +display : none; +} +} +@media print { +span.pagenum { +visibility : hidden; +color : white; +display : none; +} +} + + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44759 ***</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page205" id="page205"></a>[pg 205]</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<h1>PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.<br /> + +<small>Volume 108, <span class="sc">May 4th, 1895.</span></small><br /> + +<span class="smaller"><i>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</i></span></h1> + +<hr /> + +<h2>MAY DAY.</h2> + +<p class="title1">(<i>Strictly according to Precedent.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem width21"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Open the windows, salute the day;</p> +<p>Welcome, welcome the First of May.</p> +<p>Everything's changed, or ought to be,</p> +<p>Buds are bursting on hedge and tree.</p> +<p>Sweet winds breathe from the West or South</p> +<p>Soft as a kiss from a maiden's mouth.</p> +<p>Everything speaks of warmth and love,</p> +<p>Bright is the sun in the blue above.</p> +<p>Out in the woods, I know. I know,</p> +<p>Fur and feather are all aglow.</p> +<p>Downy rabbits with jewel eyes</p> +<p>Dart about in a wild surprise.</p> +<p>Yellow-billed blackbird, speckled thrush,</p> +<p>Pour their notes in a tuneful gush.</p> +<p>And all the neat little boys and girls,</p> +<p>With clean fresh faces and hair in curls,</p> +<p>Sing in a chorus, "Hurray, hurray!</p> +<p>April's gone, it's the First of May!"</p> + </div> <div class="stanza"> + +<p class="i4">* * * *</p> + + </div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>That's how I dreamt my May-day dream;</p> +<p>But things are not what they ought to seem.</p> +<p>For the wind—why, bless me, the wind is East,</p> +<p>And the birds don't warble or chirp the least.</p> +<p>The whole of the sky is wrapped in gloom.</p> +<p>And fires are lighting in every room.</p> +<p>And I shiver and sneeze and spend my day</p> +<p>In a winter-suit on the First of May.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">Auk'd About.</span>—The skin of a Great +Auk was put up for sale last week, +but the reserved price was not reached. +Evidently it was of bad omen that it +should have been put up at an "Auk-shun."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 310px;"><a href="images/205-800.png"><img src="images/205-310.png" width="310" height="468" alt="THE NEW BOY!" /></a> +<h3 class="sans">THE NEW BOY!</h3> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Look, Father, this is your new Overcoat.</span>"</p> + +<p>"<span class="sc">By George, it fits you capitally!</span>"</p> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Yes, doesn't it! You will now be able to wear <i>my</i> +Old Clothes!</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3 class="sans">DRAMATIC FAMILY LIKENESS.</h3> + +<p>For the plot of <i>The Passport</i>, +recently produced with a fair amount +of success at Terry's Theatre, the +authors admit their indebtedness to +Colonel <span class="sc">Savage's</span> novel, <i>My Official +Wife</i>. Oddly enough, this plot +bears a considerable resemblance to +that of <i>The Orient Express</i>, a piece +"made in Germany," of which the +English adaptation was produced +here, at Daly's, during his season. +In this piece, <i>i.e.</i>, <i>The Orient +Express</i>, a gentleman has tourist +tickets for himself and wife; but +his wife, after disposing of her +ticket to a professional <i>cicérone</i>, +returns to England alone, while her +husband, travelling on business, continues +his journey. The <i>cicérone</i> +has sold the ticket cheap to a lady, +who is therefore compelled to travel +under the name inscribed on the +ticket, and finds herself in the +same carriage with the gentleman +who has the corresponding ticket, +and the ticket-collector, seeing the +same names, hands back both tickets +to the gentleman, and tries to keep +the carriage strictly reserved for +them all the way, in which attempt +he fails, and hence arise, on their +return to England, complications +analogous to those of <i>The Passport</i>. +Was the novel of <i>My Official Wife</i> +written before the German farcical +play, or is it only a family likeness?</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind1">"<span class="sc">Il ira loin.</span>"—Dr. <span class="sc">Farrar</span>, +now Chaplain to the <span class="sc">Speaker</span>, has +been made Dean of Canterbury. +From the Deanery to a Bishopric is +but a step. He has gone Far, will +go <span class="sc">Farrar</span> and fare better ... and +then ... <span class="sc">Farrar</span>-well to all his +greatness!</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>STRIKES À LA MODE DE PARIS.</h2> + +<p class="title1">(<i>From the Diary of a Pleasure-seeker of the Future.</i>)</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Rose</span> early, intending to have a real good time of it, in spite of +the recent disturbances. As a precautionary measure, wore my +bullet-proof coat and shell-defying boots. Carried also my armour-plated +umbrella, which can be used (on emergencies) as a shield to +quick-firing guns. Looked out of window, and found the weather +splendid. Firing, too (which I had heard every now and again +during the night), seemingly all but ceased.</p> + +<p>On reaching the street, representative of the Civil Power cautioned +me to be careful. Thanked the representative for his courtesy, and +asked why a squadron of hussars were trotting past with drawn +sabres. Was told that the soldiers were engaged in the protection +of a sweep journeying to his work in a donkey-cart.</p> + +<p>Started for a stroll, but had to seek shelter in a doorway from a +volley of bullets fired in the direction of the early milkman. From +this demonstration I gathered that the food supply would be still +further restricted owing to the action of the men on strike. After +the purveyor had beaten a hasty retreat, advanced upon a strongly-fortified +position, which turned out to be, as I expected it would, a +doubly-entrenched cab-stand.</p> + +<p>Only one vehicle on the rank. Engaged the cabman. Although I +was unaccompanied by a relative or friend, found the space at my +disposal distinctly limited. The top of the four-wheeler was, of +course, occupied by the customary rocket party. The box had its +usual sentry, carrying a couple of revolvers and a search-light. +Three of the seats inside were occupied by sharpshooters, and I +retained the fourth.</p> + +<p>"We had better make for the river," said the officer in command, +and we fell in with the suggestion.</p> + +<p>Our progress was comparatively uneventful. Certainly at the +corners of streets we had to run the gauntlet of a shower of projectiles +of various dimensions; still, the armour-plated sides of the cab +turned aside the flood of iron, and the custodians, by lying flat as +occasion required, escaped without injury. Leaving the steel-protected +cab, I embarked on board an armoured penny steamboat, and +made my way down the river. Fortunately, the helmsman was able +to avoid the submarine mines which had been laid by the Chairman +of the Strike Committee. Our voyage was also rendered exciting by +the torpedoes.</p> + +<p>Having reached the last pier, I returned to land, and was sufficiently +fortunate to catch an omnibus about to start on its exciting +campaign. The route, which ran chiefly through main thoroughfares, +extended to the length of four miles. Thanks to the exertions of all +arms of the service, the distance was traversed in about three hours. +Every inch of the ground was hotly contested, but the omnibus at +length won the day. The losses on our side consisted of a colonel +killed, and seventy-four rank-and-file wounded. The casualties on +the side of the strikers were infinitely more numerous.</p> + +<p>On reaching my destination, I made for home in a balloon, thus +escaping any further molestation.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>PRESENTED AT COURT.</h3> + +<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,—I notice that "an original dramatic caricature" +is being played at the Court Theatre, under the title of +<i>Vanity Fair</i>. To prevent mistakes, I write to say at once that I am +on the eve of constructing a three-volume novel, called <i>Hamlet, Prince +of Denmark</i>; a poem, called <i>Box and Cox</i>; and a satire, called +<i>Macaulay's History of England</i>. I merely mention this fact to +protect my copyright in the names I have chosen for my new works. +I have also in contemplation the writing of a book to be entitled +<i>Adam Bede</i>, a novelette, to be known as <i>King Solomon's Mines</i>, +and a story to be y'clept <i>Treasure Island</i>. May I add that I have +also some pantomimes and eccentric ballets nearly ready that will be +christened, when completed,—<i>Esmond</i>, <i>The Virginians</i>, <i>The +Newcomes</i>, +<i>Philip</i>, and last, but not least, <i>Pendennis</i>.</p> + +<p class="author">Yours truly, <span class="sc">Nothing if not Original</span>.</p> + +<p class="ind">P.S.—I am thinking of adopting as a <i>nom de plume</i> the signature +of "<span class="sc">William Makepeace Thackeray</span>."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page206" id="page206"></a>[pg 206]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:500px;"><a href="images/206-1200.png"><img src="images/206-400.png" width="400" height="499" alt="HIS FAVOURITE SUBJECT." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">HIS FAVOURITE SUBJECT.</h3> + +<p><i>Imperial Artist.</i> "<span class="sc">Wish I could have got it done in time for the Royal +Academy. Sure to have been accepted.</span>"</p> + +<p>[ <span class="aster">*<sub>*</sub>*</span> The Emperor of <span class="sc">Germany</span> has recently painted a sea-piece.]</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page207" id="page207"></a>[pg 207]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/207-1500.png"><img src="images/207-600.png" width="600" height="446" alt="1886. 1896." /></a> +</div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>HIS FAVOURITE SUBJECT.</h3> + +<p class="title1"><i>Distinguished Amateur soliloquiseth:</i>—</p> + +<div class="poem width24"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><i>There!!!</i> Egotistic ways are my abhorrence;</p> +<p class="i2">But if this masterpiece were only hung</p> +<p>In the Uffizi Gallery at Florence,</p> +<p class="i2">Where <span class="sc">Leighton</span>, like a god, ambrosial, young,</p> +<p>And <span class="sc">Millais</span>, in immortal manhood, stand,</p> +<p class="i2">Self-limned, for admiration of posterity,</p> +<p>I fancy that this work of my right hand</p> +<p class="i2">Would quite eclipse mere Genius, whose temerity</p> +<p>In challenging comparison with <span class="sc">Birth</span></p> +<p class="i2">Is really getting something unendurable.</p> +<p>Aha! It moves me to sardonic mirth!</p> +<p class="i2">To dream of <i>my</i> position as securable</p> +<p>By mere Bismarckian brain!!! Now, as the god,</p> +<p class="i2"><i>I</i> come out admirably. Form and stature,</p> +<p>The threatening eye, and the earth-shaking nod,</p> +<p class="i2">All, all to me are simply second nature.</p> +<p>Globe-trampling foot, and hand that grips the bolt,—</p> +<p class="i2">Aye, and the lyre when I would play Apollo—</p> +<p>Are mine! Will low-born Genius dare revolt,</p> +<p class="i2">Or where <i>I</i> lead Greatness decline to follow?</p> +<p>Absurd! I hardly know in what great guise</p> +<p class="i2">To paint my greatness! I have sung of Ægir,</p> +<p>But he was but a sea-god, and his size</p> +<p class="i2">And strength compared with mine were small and meagre.</p> +<p>I am a Joint-stock Deity, as 'twere,</p> +<p class="i2">Olympus in a nutshell, Neptune, Mars,</p> +<p>The Cloud-Compeller and the Sungod fair.</p> +<p class="i2">Here I'm pure Jove. And yet somehow it jars</p> +<p>Upon my spirit to be so restricted</p> +<p class="i2">To one immortal guise, however grand.</p> +<p>Hah! Gods by their own pencils thus depicted</p> +<p class="i2">Would make a New Valhalla e'en <i>my</i> hand</p> +<p>Need not disdain to add to. If Narcissus</p> +<p class="i2">Had been a painter, now! There is no stream,</p> +<p>Though clear as my own Rhine or the Ilissus,</p> +<p class="i2">Could do me justice. I must <i>paint</i> my dream</p> +<p>Of my Supernal Self. A mere reflection</p> +<p class="i2">From Nature's mirror would but mar my beauty.</p> +<p>No; I must limn myself for the inspection</p> +<p class="i2">Of men and gods; it is a simple duty.</p> +<p><i>This</i> does not satisfy me. And it is</p> +<p class="i2">Too late, I fear, for Grandmamma's R.A.</p> +<p>Besides, those English journalists <i>might</i> quiz</p> +<p class="i2">Even Imperial Art. They've their own way</p> +<p>Too much by far in that ill-ordered isle,</p> +<p class="i2">Those cheeky critic-fellows. Let <i>me</i> catch</p> +<p>A Teuton quill-driver who'll dare to smile</p> +<p class="i2">Upon a masterpiece he cannot match!!!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> + +<p class="i28">[<i>Left touching it up.</i></p> +</div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>Literary.</h3> + +<p class="ind3">A book is announced entitled <i>Irish Humour +through English Glasses</i>. It will be +followed, we hope, by a companion volume, +entitled <i>English (ill) Humour through Irish +(Whisky) Glasses</i>.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p>Messrs. <span class="sc">Blackwood</span> are issuing a standard +edition of the works of <span class="sc">George Eliot</span>. <i>Adam +Bede</i>, of course, comes first, admirably +printed in dainty volumes of blue and gold. +Glancing over the work brings back to the +memory of my Baronite a certain schoolboy +who, instead of going home to dinner, used +to spend the interval in the reading-room of +a free library, literally dining off <i>Adam Bede</i>, +then just out. It will be interesting to observe +how far the public of to-day, more especially +the young men and maidens who read novels, +will take to <span class="sc">George Eliot</span>. In this new +standard edition opportunity, alike in respect +of charm and cheapness, is made alluring.</p> + +<p><i>The Curse of Intellect</i> is an unattractive +title, suggestive rather of a series of essays +on the melancholy lives of certain geniuses +than of the weird tale—for such it is—of +a Man-Monkey. This story, published by +Messrs. <span class="sc">Blackwood</span>, and written by <span class="sc">Machiavelli +Colin Clout</span>, is a modern version +of <i>Frankenstein</i>, the distinction being that, +whereas <i>Frankenstein</i> constructed his own +monster, the hero of this romance, one <i>Reuben +Power</i>, finds a monster ready to hand in a kind +of "Mr. Gorilla," whom he educates to speak +a strange language, also to read, write, and +think in excellent English. This Converted +Ape kills his maker, and then considerately +puts an end to his own miserable existence; he +does not, however, possess a soul (<i>Frankenstein's</i> +Monster was also deficient in this +respect). "For O it is such a 'norrible tale;" +and, except to those who occasionally enjoy +"a 'norrible tale," this cannot be recommended +by</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">The Baron de B.-W.</span></p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page208" id="page208"></a>[pg 208]</span></p> + +<h2 class="sans">BLIND ALLEY-GORIES.</h2> + +<p class="title2"><span class="sc">By Dunno Währiar.</span></p> + +<p class="center">(<i>Translated from the original Lappish by Mr. Punch's own +Hyperborean Enthusiast.</i>)</p> + +<h3><span class="sc">No. III.</span>—<span class="sc">A Socratic Experiment.</span></h3> + +<p>The other day I went out for a walk. My thoughts circled round +my head like bees in a bonnet, and detached themselves slowly from +the loose white honeycomb of my brain to mirror themselves in my +soul, as is usual with me on +such occasions. And, somewhere +round the corner, a +voice lurked calling out remarks—what +I knew not, only +that they were of a highly +personal character. The people +I met stared at me, and I +stared at them, for I had a +presentiment that they were +talking about me, but I took +no notice of them—beyond informing +them that they were +cowards and blowflies, and requesting to be informed why they enclosed +their dirty interiors in glass. For I am Young <span class="sc">Garnaway</span>, +and when I take a walk, I generally exchange amenities of this +kind with any persons I happen to meet.</p> + +<p>At the Market Place, my friend the Tallow-chandler sat inside his +shop, dozing under a pale canopy of farthing dips.</p> + +<p>"Answer me a question," I begged of him. "Why does one yearn +for the top brick off the chimney when one is a child, and yet feel +dissatisfied when, as a man, one receives it on the top of one's +Sunday tile? Why does the sea bird fly inland in winter to get food +from the towns—only to turn up its beak when presented with a +ticket for soup? Why do we——?"</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/208-1000.png"><img src="images/208-400.png" width="400" height="129" alt="'A clear and practical illustration.'" /></a> +<p class="center">"A clear and practical illustration."</p></div> + +<p>My friend the Tallow-chandler answered never a word, but +chuckled foolishly to himself and retired behind a barrier of mottled +soap.</p> + +<p>When I had gone a piece further I reached a back street, where I +found my friend the Bird-stuffer sitting on his doorstep, playing the +mouth-organ.</p> + +<p>"Answer me a question," I besought him. "Suppose you found +out that those who hold the reins of government in our town were +educating large blue-bottle flies to make apricot jam out of your and +your neighbours' pig-wash, would you write to the local paper about +it, even if you knew that the editor would decline to insert your +letter?"</p> + +<p>My friend answered never a +word; he only giggled in +embarrassment, struck up a +mazurka on his mouth-organ, +and began to dance sheepishly.</p> + +<p>But, down in Mud Alley, my +friend the Dustcart-man sat +at his open window—a family +idyll, wife and six small children, +all eating onions and +fried fish.</p> + +<p>"Answer me a question," I +prayed him. "If a person came to you and said rudely, 'Better +anything else than sitting here with your head in the domestic halter +among the potsherds and puffballs of the old ideals; rather a jolly +good row that ends in a fortnight's "hard" than fat-headed, elephant-footed +dulness here with your buzzing brood around you!' If a +person came to you and said that, what reply would you give him?"</p> + +<p>My friend answered never a word; he was out of the window +before I had time to walk away; and in a very few moments I received +a clear and practical illustration of the sort of reply he would +give to such a question.</p> + +<p>As for me, I limped home as well as I could, and, when evening fell, +and I was done up in brown paper and vinegar, both my eyes gleamed +in the evening sun with the iridescent glitter of peacocks' tails.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3 class="sans">"FOR THIS RELIEF, MUCH THANKS!"</h3> + +<p class="ind2">["Fort Chitral, April 20.—Colonel <span class="sc">Kelly's</span> +force from Gilghit arrived to-day.... Much sickness +from bad food, excessive work, and exposure. +Conduct of troops admirable.... The discipline, +devotion, and fortitude displayed by all ranks +under circumstances which required all those +qualities are beyond all praise."—<i>Dr. Robertson's +Summary of the Siege of Chitral.</i>]</p> + +<div class="poem width24"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Small time, but, in that small, most greatly liv'd</p> +<p class="i2">This star of England."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10"><i>Chorus: King Henry the Fifth</i>, Act V., Scene 2.</p> + </div> </div> + +<div class="poem width24"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Only one more "little war,"—of course,</p> +<p>Precipitate pluck, and inadequate force—</p> +<p class="i2">Such wars as our England wages</p> +<p>At terrible cost in British lives,</p> +<p>And orphan children and widowed wives,</p> +<p>Whereat, though greatly our glory thrives,</p> +<p class="i2">Our conscience sometimes rages.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But such little wars may need great hearts,</p> +<p>And the wandering heroes who play their parts</p> +<p class="i2">For England, the wide world over;</p> +<p>Fight as well though they fight—and fall—</p> +<p>In a leagured hut, by a shattered wall,</p> +<p>As though the purple of <span class="sc">Wellington's</span> pall</p> +<p class="i2">Each death-cold breast should cover.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Devotion, fortitude, discipline? Yes!</p> +<p>They always shine in the perilous press,</p> +<p class="i2">Where British soldiers rally.</p> +<p>Shine as bright in the hopeless dark</p> +<p>Of the mad <i>mêlée</i>, though there's none to mark</p> +<p>The scattered wreckage ruddy and stark</p> +<p class="i2">Of the last brave stand or sally.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>We rejoice to hear, though we knew we should,</p> +<p>Chitral's defenders again made good</p> +<p class="i2">The glorious old tradition</p> +<p>Of loyalty to the flying flag.</p> +<p>Cynics may dub it the torn red rag,</p> +<p>But our tongues shall laud, whilst those tongues can wag,</p> +<p class="i2">That splendid "superstition."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The men who stood, and the men who came</p> +<p>O'er ice-bound ridges with hearts aflame,</p> +<p class="i2">To relieve their leagured brothers,</p> +<p>Have all done well; and the tawny skin</p> +<p>Of those who helped us to war and win,—</p> +<p>Well, your little Englander's less akin</p> +<p class="i2">To England than those others!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"For this relief, much thanks!" And thanks</p> +<p>To dead, and living, and of all ranks.</p> +<p class="i2">Forget their service? Never!</p> +<p>"Small time," indeed, but as brightly shone</p> +<p>"This star of England," as it had done</p> +<p>On that stricken field when the lurid sun</p> +<p class="i2">Of the Corsican sank for ever.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2 class="sq">A FIRST STEP<br /> + +<small>TOWARDS HISTRIONICS.</small></h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>Under the guidance of Herr Goethemann.</i>)</p> + +<ul class="none"> +<li><i>Question.</i> Have you witnessed the performance +of the Actor-manager?</li> + +<li><i>Answer.</i> No, but I have perused the tragedy +of the Author-publisher.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Is it a curtain-raiser?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> No, but it is a hair-lifter, in three acts.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> How many are the persons of the drama?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Four.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Of these, how many are objectionable?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Five.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Kindly resolve this paradox.</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> All are objectionable that come on the +stage, and one that doesn't.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> You speak of the stage; where has the +play been given?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Nowhere. It has not received a license.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Is it the close season?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> No, but so much private license was +taken by the Author-publisher that the public +censor did not see his way to adding to the +amount.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Then we shall not see it interpreted by +intelligent actors?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> No, for even if license were granted, +the Author-publisher would take all the +parts himself.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> I do not follow this scheme of plurality.</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> I quote from his own printed advertisement, +"The right of performing in public +this play (<i>sic</i>) is reserved by the author."</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Did you state that it is a tragedy?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Yes, but inclining to farce.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Does it move the reader to pity and terror?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Yes, both. Pity for himself, and terror +of the next thing of the kind that he may +have to read.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Has it any other of the high qualities +of the Greek Tragedy?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> It says it has the unities.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> A severe attack?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> No, the Norwegian kind; a form of +Teutonic measles, painful but transitory.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Is it heroic?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> No, but it is suburban.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Is the conclusion worthy of a great +tragedy? Does it end in a lurid light of +whole-souled passion and death?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> It ends about 4 <span class="sc">A.M.</span> the next day, +with a cock crowing. The protagonist has +come home intoxicated, and remains so. +I regret to add that he pushes the heroine, +she having displaced his beverage by breaking +the glass. She slaps him upon the face, +and eventually loses animation. I do not +know how the other two end, because they +were not home in time for the curtain. As +it was, the Author-publisher nearly spoilt +one of the unities through waiting for them.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> All must be well that ends so well. +Is there a problem or enigma?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> There is always the insoluble riddle—why +did he write it?</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Is it full of situations?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Not inconveniently so; but there is a +dramatic moment.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Which?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> I do not know.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Then why do you say there is one?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Because the Author-publisher says so.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> But is it not wasteful to have three +acts, and only one dramatic moment?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> I should have thought so; but the +Author-publisher says he has shown economy.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Could you give me an idea of the manner? +Select a striking incident or a passage where +there is subtle characterisation.</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> One situation impressed me very much. +I think it must have been the dramatic +moment. I reserve it for my next.</li> +</ul> + +<p class="center">(<i>To be continued.</i>)</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page209" id="page209"></a>[pg 209]</span></p> + +<h3 class="sans">FILIA PULCHRA, MATER PULCHRIOR.</h3> + +<div class="poem width21"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>I loved a girl, divinely sweet,</p> +<p class="i2">An unsophisticated creature;</p> +<p>I did not scruple to repeat</p> +<p>She was divine, you could not meet</p> +<p class="i2">More charms displayed in form and feature.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I loved her youthful grace, her slight</p> +<p class="i2">And dainty form, an angel's seeming.</p> +<p>Crowned by sweet hair, as dark as night,</p> +<p>Her face would charm an artist's sight,</p> +<p class="i2">A poet's thoughts, a lover's dreaming.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I loved her dark and lustrous eyes,</p> +<p class="i2">Which love might light with glowing passion,</p> +<p>Her lips, her neck—you will surmise</p> +<p>I wrote her rhymes, all tears and sighs</p> +<p class="i2">In lovesick versifier's fashion.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I loved her like a childish pet,</p> +<p class="i2">I felt I could not love another,</p> +<p>Until the day when first I met</p> +<p>Her widowed mother, charming yet,</p> +<p class="i2">And now, instead, I love her mother.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I love the woman, for the rose,</p> +<p class="i2">Full blown, excels the rosebud's beauty,</p> +<p>Nor think of girlish charms since those</p> +<p>No more inspire my Muse, which shows</p> +<p class="i2">My Muse is fit for any duty.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I love her, stately as a queen</p> +<p class="i2">Whom <span class="sc">Veronese</span> might have painted,</p> +<p>Blue-eyed, with hair of golden sheen—</p> +<p>That's just the one thing which has been</p> +<p class="i2">A trouble since we've been acquainted.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I love not charms I loved before,</p> +<p class="i2">Dark as the night, or, say a hearse is.</p> +<p>Now auburn beauty pleases more,</p> +<p>My wasted hours I deplore—</p> +<p class="i2">I've had to alter all those verses.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">Epping and Overstepping.</span>—At +a meeting of forest borderers, Wanstead, +it was asserted that since the +Corporation had had control of the +forest, upwards of 100,000 trees had +been felled. If true, the members of +the Corporation-Epping-Forest-Committee +will henceforth be known as +"those fellers!"</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 230px;"><a href="images/209a-900.png"><img src="images/209a-230.png" width="230" height="495" alt="'ANIMAL SPIRITS.'" /></a> +<h3 class="sans">"ANIMAL SPIRITS."</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">No. XII.—Outside Exeter Hall.</span></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>TO CIRCE.</h3> + +<div class="poem width21"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"If doughty deeds my lady please,"</p> +<p class="i2">Though somewhat old and gouty,</p> +<p>The first occasion I will seize</p> +<p class="i2">Of doing something "doughty";</p> +<p>"If gay attire delights your eye,</p> +<p> I'll dight me in array"</p> +<p>Which every casual passer-by</p> +<p class="i2">Will think extremely gay.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"If sweetest sounds can win your ear,"</p> +<p class="i2">I'll cheerfully begin</p> +<p>(Though somewhat late in life, I fear),</p> +<p class="i2">To learn the violin;</p> +<p>In fact, whatever task you set,</p> +<p class="i2">You'll speedily discover</p> +<p>That in the writer you have met</p> +<p class="i2">A most submissive lover.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I could exemplify the fact</p> +<p class="i2">Through several extra verses,</p> +<p>How I would please, by every act,</p> +<p class="i2">My kindliest of <span class="sc">Circe's</span>;</p> +<p>And yet by destiny malign</p> +<p class="i2">You've happened just to choose</p> +<p>The single task which, though divine</p> +<p class="i2">The bidder, I refuse.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The single task—and pardon, pray,</p> +<p class="i2">If, not without compunction,</p> +<p>Reluctantly I disobey</p> +<p class="i2">Your positive injunction:</p> +<p>Ask what you will, I'll undertake</p> +<p class="i2">The deed, however big,</p> +<p>But do not——blind my eyes and make</p> +<p class="i2">Me try to draw a pig!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>TO A PICTURE.</h3> + +<div class="poem width21"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>You pretty face, upon my wall,</p> +<p class="i2">Enshrined in glass and oak and gold,</p> +<p>Most charming deaf-mute—and withal</p> +<p>My confidante—whate'er befall,</p> +<p class="i2">My trust in you will rest untold,</p> +<p class="i10">You pretty face!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>What do they call you? Is it "Spring"?</p> +<p class="i2">Or "Blossoms"? or "The Coming Race"?—</p> +<p class="i2">It matters not in any case,</p> +<p>Your name may be just anything</p> +<p class="i2">For all I care, you pretty face.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>You bring me back old scenes anew,</p> +<p class="i2">You've something of my lady's grace,</p> +<p class="i2">Of her sweet features just a trace,</p> +<p>And so I have re-christened you—</p> +<p class="i2">I won't say what—you pretty face!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I have no portrait to recall</p> +<p class="i2">The sweetest of all maids to me,</p> +<p>Nor have I need of one at all,</p> +<p>Yet, seeing you upon my wall,</p> +<p class="i2">By pleasing "make-believe" I see</p> +<p class="i10">Her pretty face!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>BABY'S DIARY.</h2> + +<p class="center">["The Nursery Tricycle contains two seats, one for the mistress and one +for the maid and her charge, and has two pairs of pedals."—<i>Daily Paper.</i>]</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 180px;"><a href="images/209b-360.png"><img src="images/209b-180.png" width="180" height="245" alt="Baby's Diary" /></a></div> + +<p>This is rather fun! Ever so much better than those crawling +old mail-carts and perambulators. Wonder mother and +nurse never thought of it before. A pneumatic tandem, +too, I notice. Hope they understand blowing tire up +again when it bursts.</p> + +<p>Nurse a duffer at pedalling. A mere passenger! Have +to keep her up to the mark by crying. Frightened a +pony in a trap. Sarcastic driver said, "<i>You</i> don't want +a bell to <i>your</i> machine with that child yelling like a +tom-cat on fire." Gives me a hint—I must see how our +cat <i>does</i> yell when it's on fire.</p> + +<p>Really, I never saw such steering! Mother has just +run us into a brick wall. Disgraceful! Why wasn't +she taught tricycling when she was young? Her education +has certainly been horribly neglected.</p> + +<p>Why should I sit in the middle, though? Can't see +the country properly. Make another protest—louder, if +possible. Passing pedestrian observes, "You should call your machine +a crycycle, not a tricycle." Put out my tongue at him. Nurse offers to +give me a "pick-a-back"; says she can pedal too! The old humbug! +Scratch her face. Mother offers me a seat on front handle. Not half bad.</p> + +<p>Fresh air makes one uncommonly hungry. Time for my bottle. +Insist on my outriders stopping at a public for milk. +Find the pony, trap, and sarcastic driver stopping there +too. Latter says to Mother, "So you've brought the +infant phenomenon with you, Ma'am!" Wonder what +he means. He adds something about a "fog-horn." +Rude, I fancy.</p> + +<p>Back homewards. Awfully sleepy after that milk. +Curious milk. Perhaps sarcastic person drugged it to quiet +me? Fast asleep. Wakened by crash! Stars! Oh, <i>what</i> +is it? Try to yell—can't—mouth full of something.</p> + +<p>Later. In my cot, thank Heaven! Heard doctor say, +"Severe shock, but no bones broken." Awful headache. +Seems that break went wrong going down-hill. +Well, no "safety tandem" for <i>me</i> again—can't <i>stand +'em</i>, myself, not being in favour of infanticide. Give +<i>me</i> a good old mail cart!</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page210" id="page210"></a>[pg 210]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/210-1500.png"><img src="images/210-600.png" width="600" height="381" alt="FELINE AMENITIES." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">FELINE AMENITIES.</h3> + +<p><i>Miss Tregushing.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh yes! there are such <i>lovely</i> Seas and Skies +in Cornwall, and such Rocks and Caves—and Seals—and +the <i>most</i> magnificent wild Waves you ever saw—and——</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Frou-Frou.</i> "<span class="sc">But no Dress-makers, I suppose!</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>JOHN STANDS ALOOF.</h2> + +<p class="title2a">(<span class="sc">Shimonoseki, 1895.</span>)</p> + +<p class="ind3">["Circumstances might arise, of course, in +which we should feel called upon to safeguard our +interests, but so far we discern no adequate ground +for interference."—<i>The "Times" on the Joint +Protest of Russia, France and Germany against the +annexation portion of the Treaty of Shimonoseki.</i>]</p> + +<p class="title1"><span class="sc">Air</span>—"<i>The Heathen Chinee.</i>"</p> + +<p class="title1"><span class="sc">John Bull</span> <i>sings:</i>—</p> + +<div class="poem width21"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>I stand by, and I mark,</p> +<p class="i2">And I see some things plain;</p> +<p>And the looks that are dark</p> +<p class="i2">At the <span class="sc">Jap's</span> game, and gain,</p> +<p>From that Heathen Chinee, are peculiar;</p> +<p class="i2">But aloof <i>I</i>'m content to remain!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Ah Sin</span> at the game</p> +<p class="i2">Thought him chipper and spry;</p> +<p>But he's "spoofed" all the same—</p> +<p class="i2">(Whatsome'er <i>that</i> imply)—</p> +<p>And his smile is less pensive and childlike</p> +<p class="i2">Than when he once played with <span class="sc">Bill Nye</span>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Little <span class="sc">Jap</span> <i>looked</i> absurd—</p> +<p class="i2">As regarding mere size—</p> +<p>And some people inferred</p> +<p class="i2">He was feeble likewise;</p> +<p>Yet he's played it this time upon <span class="sc">Johnny</span></p> +<p class="i2">In a way it's scarce safe to despise.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>In the saffron pair's game</p> +<p class="i2">I did not take a hand.</p> +<p>Some conceived that the same</p> +<p class="i2"><span class="sc">Jap</span> did not understand;</p> +<p>But his grin somehow soon turned the tables</p> +<p class="i2">On "the smile that was childlike and bland."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>'Tis a theme for <span class="sc">Bret Harte</span>,</p> +<p class="i2">P'raps he only could show</p> +<p>The artful <span class="sc">Jap's</span> art—</p> +<p class="i2">If I may put it so—</p> +<p>In a way which is worthy the subject.</p> +<p class="i2">But <i>me</i> interfere, gents? Why, no!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>If <span class="sc">Jap's</span> cards had been stocked—</p> +<p class="i2">Which I do not believe—</p> +<p>Had our feelings been shocked</p> +<p class="i2">By the state of <span class="sc">Jap's</span> sleeve;</p> +<p>We might have had reason for charging</p> +<p class="i2">The same with intent to deceive.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But the hands he has played</p> +<p class="i2">With that Heathen Chinee,</p> +<p>And the points he has made,</p> +<p class="i2">Are, as far as I see,</p> +<p>The result of good play <i>plus</i> good fortune;</p> +<p class="i2">And <i>does</i> it concern you or me?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The Russ standing by</p> +<p class="i2">Turned his glance upon me.</p> +<p>(For the <span class="sc">Jap's</span> pile <i>was</i> high.)</p> +<p class="i2">And he hissed, "Shall this be?</p> +<p>Must I have this smart <span class="sc">Jap</span> for a neighbour?</p> +<p class="i2">Shall <i>he</i> clear out the Heathen Chinee?"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Swarthy <span class="sc">François</span> looked glum,</p> +<p class="i2">Ginger <span class="sc">Hans</span> rubbed his chin:</p> +<p>But I smoked and stood mum,</p> +<p class="i2">As the <span class="sc">Jap</span> raked the tin.</p> +<p>Then I says, "He's played fairly and squarely.</p> +<p class="i2">So what call have <i>we</i> to cut in?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"In the game, as you know,</p> +<p class="i2">You would not take a hand,</p> +<p>But a short while ago;</p> +<p class="i2">So let <span class="sc">Jappy</span> now land</p> +<p>The stakes, and <span class="sc">Ah Sin</span> take his hiding</p> +<p class="i2">At the game his foe <i>does</i> understand.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"<span class="sc">Johnny</span> thought himself strong</p> +<p class="i2">At that game; but the facts</p> +<p>Seem to prove he was wrong;</p> +<p class="i2">And unwisely he acts</p> +<p>In howling at getting in warfare</p> +<p class="i2">What's frequent in warfare—that's whacks!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Which is why I remark,</p> +<p class="i2">And my purpose is plain,</p> +<p>That looks that are dark</p> +<p class="i2">At the <span class="sc">Jappy</span> are vain.</p> +<p>And, although you may think me peculiar,</p> +<p class="i2">Aloof—for the time—I remain!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Something in the Way of "Great +Expectations.</span>"—When <span class="sc">Jabez S. Balfour</span> +arrives, no doubt his first visit will be to the +editor of the <i>Penny Illustrated Paper</i>, in +which paper appeared the portrait of him as +"Mayor of <span class="sc">Croydon</span>," wearing his chain of +office—alas! the chain!—that led directly to +his identification and arrest. The photograph +was taken first and <span class="sc">Jabez</span> was taken afterwards. +Will <span class="sc">Jabez S. Balfour</span> call in at the +office of the <i>P. I. P.</i> and say, with <i>Joe Gargery</i>, +"Ever the best of friends, ain't us, +<i>P. I. P.</i>?" Not quite likely.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">Proposed Change of Name.</span>—If Sir +<span class="sc">Whittaker Ellis</span> agrees to the scheme for +adding Bute House Estate—a Bute-iful property—to +Richmond Park, thus preserving it +from the builders, then will he be gratefully +remembered as "<span class="sc">Wiseacre Ellis</span>."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="center">"<span class="sc">Bar Gold.</span>"—Fees to barristers.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page211" id="page211"></a>[pg 211]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/211-1500.png"><img src="images/211-600.png" width="600" height="462" alt="JOHN STANDS ALOOF." /></a> +<h2><big>JOHN STANDS ALOOF.</big></h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Russia</span>. "IS HE TO HAVE ALL <i>THIS?</i>"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">John Bull</span>. "WELL—HE'S PLAYED A SQUARE GAME—<i>I</i> DON'T SEE ANY +CALL TO INTERFERE!"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page212" id="page212"></a>[pg 212]</span><br /></p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page213" id="page213"></a>[pg 213]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/213-700.png"><img src="images/213-240.png" width="240" height="484" alt="MAY I. THE SWEEPS' FESTIVAL." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">MAY I. THE SWEEPS' FESTIVAL.</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">A Study in Black and White.</span> <span class="aster">*<sub>*</sub>*</span> <span class="sc">Nice for Next Fare.</span></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>REMARKABLE INSTANCE OF SAGACITY IN GROUSE.</h3> + +<p>To <i>The Field</i> of April 20, Mr. <span class="sc">Frederick Milbank</span> wrote about +the "Monument to a Grouse Shooter" on Wimmergill Moor. Mr. +<span class="sc">Milbank</span> considered the number of grouse he had bagged as constituting +a "record," and so caused a monument to be erected on the +spot sacred to the memory of four thousand brace of grouse shot +in six days by five guns with one extra gun on the sixth day. +The monument, being erected, <i>scared the grouse away</i>. Of course +they read the sad story, held a council, and decided that as long +as <span class="sc">F. A. Milbank</span> was anywhere about, within shot, they would +preserve themselves by avoiding him. Subsequently the monument +was removed to Bamingham in North Yorkshire. But the North +Yorkshire birds are quite indifferent to this tale from The Hills. +They wink the other eye, that is until such time as <span class="sc">Frederick A. +Milbank</span> shall show them the sort of gun <i>he</i> is, and then they'll be +sorry for not having taken warning earlier, unless they possess the +sagacity of the grouse of Wimmergill, which resembles that of <i>Mr. +Jingle's</i> dog, who read the inscription on the board, "Gamekeeper has +orders to shoot all dogs found in this inclosure," and "wouldn't pass +it." "Singular circumstance that," said <i>Mr. Pickwick</i>. "Will +you allow me to make a note of it?"</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>THE MODERN BUYER:</h2> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Growls of Modern "Masters."</span></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Royal Academy, Burlington House, May 3, 1895.</i></p> + +<div class="poem width27"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The "Old Masters" over, the New make a start.</p> +<p class="i2">Another year's past and another year's come;</p> +<p>And Fame blows a blast on her trumpet, and Art</p> +<p class="i12">Beats her drum!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Walk Up!!" An example is set by the Court;</p> +<p class="i2">And Society hastens—a feverish throng;</p> +<p>A mere glance at the pictures, for life is but short—</p> +<p class="i12">And Art's long!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Three artists looked on with a cynical smile—</p> +<p class="i2">One needy Outsider, and two rich R.A.'s</p> +<p>(Both walking on velvet, because of the pile</p> +<p class="i12">They could raise).</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>They discussed the "Art Patron"—in all of that crowd</p> +<p class="i2">An <i>avis</i> that's <i>rara</i> and <i>rara</i> each year.</p> +<p>And these are the words that they spoke, and allowed</p> +<p class="i12">Me to hear:—</p> + </div> </div> + +<p class="center"><i>First R.A.</i></p> + +<div class="poem width27"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Now, to none do I yield in my love of <span class="sc">Vandyck</span>—</p> +<p class="i2">I adore the Italians—bow down to the Dutch;</p> +<p><span class="sc">Velasquez</span> I worship, and <span class="sc">Goya</span> I like</p> +<p class="i12">Very much.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"But alas! for the <span class="sc">Sheepshanks</span> and <span class="sc">Vernons</span> of old—</p> +<p class="i2">For the <span class="sc">Hills</span> and the rest of a connoisseur race!</p> +<p>Old <span class="sc">Mecænas</span> has gone; and investors of gold</p> +<p class="i12">Take his place."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p class="center"><i>Second R.A.</i></p> + +<div class="poem width27"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"'Old Masters' they buy—any ancient design—</p> +<p class="i2">Eighteen-thirty or so is the latest they'll own;</p> +<p>None but 'made reputations'—no work, howe'er fine,</p> +<p class="i12">If unknown."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p class="center"><i>Outsider.</i></p> + +<div class="poem width27"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Their Art's in their bankers'-books, not in their eyes</p> +<p class="i2">To encourage the artist is none of their plan;</p> +<p>They seek an investment that's likely to rise—</p> +<p class="i12">To a man.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Do they think that fine art nowhere else can be seen</p> +<p class="i2">But in saint that is squint-eyed, or boor that is drunk,</p> +<p>In brown tree, Dutch canal, man with ruff, or the lean</p> +<p class="i12">Spanish monk?"</p> + </div> </div> + +<p class="center"><i>Second R.A.</i></p> + +<div class="poem width27"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Just reflect to what artists of old had been brought</p> +<p class="i2">(Such as <span class="sc">Reynolds</span>, or <span class="sc">Raphael</span>, or <span class="sc">Phidias</span> the Greek)</p> +<p>Had their patrons informed them they meant to buy nought</p> +<p class="i12">But antique!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<p class="center"><i>Outsider.</i></p> + +<div class="poem width27"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Then, <i>our</i> drawing is better—our atmosphere too.</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Plein air</i> was ignored, or they voted it vice.</p> +<p>As to '<i>values</i>,' 'twas little they thought of or knew—</p> +<p class="i12">Save of price."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p class="center"><i>First R.A.</i></p> + +<div class="poem width27"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"When men buy modern art, they buy Leightons and Moores</p> +<p class="i2">And Sargents and Swans and the rest of our lot;</p> +<p>But as to their <i>knowledge</i>—like mine or like yours—</p> +<p class="i12">Tommy rot!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<p class="center"><i>Second R.A.</i></p> + +<div class="poem width27"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Do you think they appreciate <span class="sc">Lewis's</span> skies—</p> +<p class="i2">Do they care if they're worked up in stipple or wash?</p> +<p>Do you think it's the <i>Art</i> (not the money) they prize?</p> +<p class="i12">Simply bosh!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<p class="center"><i>Outsider.</i></p> + +<div class="poem width27"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"No. They judge not by Art—they judge only by fame;</p> +<p class="i2">And the artist may starve on his poor pallet-bed;</p> +<p>But their hundreds and thousands they shower on his name</p> +<p class="i12">When he's dead!—</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"When the two Greatest Masters—Old Varnish and Time—</p> +<p class="i2">To his work superficial beauties have lent,</p> +<p>Lo behold, they appreciate! Be it so. <i>I'm</i></p> +<p class="i12">Quite content."</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page214" id="page214"></a>[pg 214]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/214-1500.png"><img src="images/214-600.png" width="600" height="433" alt="'1895.' THE ROYAL ACADEMY FIELD DAY." /></a> +<h2 class="sans">"1895." THE ROYAL ACADEMY FIELD DAY.</h2></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page215" id="page215"></a>[pg 215]</span></p> + +<h2>A FRIEND AT A PINCH.</h2> + +<p class="title1">(<i>An Utterly Impossible Incident that will never be "Reported."</i>)</p> + +<blockquote><p><span class="sc">Scene</span>—<i>A Court of Law. Experienced Counsel arguing +a point in the teeth of his Lordship on the Bench.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>His Lordship</i> (<i>angrily</i>). No, Mr. <span class="sc">Bands</span>, I really cannot +agree with you. It seems to me that you are merely +wasting our time, and no doubt your own.</p> + +<p><i>Experienced Counsel</i> (<i>politely</i>). Not at all, my Lord. +I scarcely venture to urge the great importance of the +matter to my client.</p> + +<p><i>His Lordship.</i> No doubt; and your client showed +excellent judgment in entrusting his interests to your +hands. Still law is law, and can never be anything else.</p> + +<p><i>Exp. C.</i> Your Lordship is most kind. But my point, +my Lord, is so plain—the matter is so clear. Surely your +Lordship must see it.</p> + +<p><i>His Lordship</i> (<i>with much irony</i>). It is my fault, no +doubt, Mr. <span class="sc">Bands</span>, but as matter of fact your point is +absolutely lost to me. I confess I cannot see it at all.</p> + +<p><i>Exp. C.</i> I would not propose for a moment that your +Lordship's judgment is at fault. But I would venture to +suggest that the atmosphere of the Court is sufficiently +dense to cloud the clearest and most brilliant intellect.</p> + +<p><i>His Lordship</i> (<i>mollified</i>). There is a good deal in what +you say, Mr. <span class="sc">Bands</span>, but of course, we must put up with +it. There is no remedy.</p> + +<p><i>Exp. C.</i> With every possible respect to the Bench, my +Lord, I would humbly suggest that there is a remedy.</p> + +<p><i>His Lordship.</i> Can you quote a case?</p> + +<p><i>Exp. C.</i> I can, at any rate, refer to an opinion.</p> + +<p><i>His Lordship.</i> Has it been reported?</p> + +<p><i>Exp. C.</i> Certainly, my Lord. You will find it in the +Reports of the Hardwicke Society. Lord Chief Justice +<span class="sc">Russell of Killowen</span> has laid it down that snuff is a +most valuable assistance to the proper dispensation of +justice. His Lordship has declared that the inhaling of +prepared tobacco through the nostrils "clears the judicial +brain, predisposes it to calmness and impartiality, +and enables a learned judge to listen with patience to the +most fluent and prolific of forensic orators." If your +Lordship pleases.</p> + +<blockquote><p> +[<i>Offers snuff-box to the Judge.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>His Lordship</i> (<i>after taking a pinch</i>). Well, certainly +the point you have raised seems clearer to me than it did. +(<i>After a few moments of consideration.</i>) I will reserve +the case for further consideration, and will deliver judgment +later.</p> + +<p><i>Exp. C.</i> As your Lordship pleases. I will ask the +usher to hand my authorities to your Lordship.</p> + +<p><i>His Lordship</i> (<i>receiving snuff-box</i>). You are very +good. I will not overlook their assistance in coming to a +conclusion. I hope the occasion may never arise when I +might be compelled, as the vulgar tongue expresses it, to +"give you snuff."</p> + +<blockquote><p> +[<i>Scene closes upon mutual courtesies.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 385px;"><a href="images/215-1000.png"><img src="images/215-350.png" width="350" height="491" alt="'Oh, I'm glad you've got a Piano in the Rooms!'" /></a> +<p>"<span class="sc">Oh, I'm glad you've got a Piano in the Rooms! What is it?—a Broadwood?</span>"</p> + +<p class="rindent">"<span class="sc">No, Mum. Myogh'ny!</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2 class="sans">ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<p class="title1">EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</p> + +<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, April 22.</i>—Easter holidays over; +school back; new master in charge; process of installation a little +lacking in pomp and circumstance. This due in large measure to +incidence of holiday. At Westminster, as at other schools, boys +don't insist, <i>vi et armis</i>, on returning on the opening day. Wide +gaps on most of the benches; Front Opposition Bench a wilderness. +<span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> and all his merrie men abstained from lending to +installation of new Speaker the grace and comfort of their presence.</p> + +<p>"It is quite true, dear boy," <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> said, when I gently +hinted that the Leader of Opposition should have been present on +such occasion, "that when our man was defeated I said, Mr. <span class="sc">William +Court Gully</span> having been elected by a majority of the House, is +representative of the whole House. But it's a long name, you know, +and in ordinary practice I must stop short at <span class="sc">William</span>. You can't +expect me to <span class="sc">Court Gully</span>."</p> + +<p>Amid depressing circumstances as far as attendance went, new +Speaker bore himself faultlessly. Quick-change process watched +with breathless interest from Ladies' Gallery. First, Speaker-Elect, +preceded by Mace, entered, attired in Court dress with close-fitting +bob-wig. At summons of Black Rod, proceeded to House of Lords; +placed at Bar in custody of Black Rod and Sergeant-at-Arms; not +even "accommodated with a chair." There to receive <span class="sc">Her Majesty's</span> +sanction of choice of Speaker made by Commons. Happened that +the <span class="sc">Queen</span> couldn't come. One of the cloaked and wigged figures +on Woolsack mentioned the matter in charmingly casual way.</p> + +<p>"It not being convenient for <span class="sc">Her Majesty</span> to be personally +present at this time," said a voice which bewrayed the <span class="sc">Lord Chancellor</span>, +"a Commission has been issued under the Grand Seal +empowering the Lords named therein to convey Royal Assent to +Commons' selection of Speaker."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Lord Chancellor</span> quite friendly with Speaker-Elect, whom he +familiarly addressed as "Mr. <span class="sc">Gully</span>." Spoke highly of his talents, +diligence, and sufficiency to fulfil important duties to which it +had pleased majority of Commons to call him. Said he had made +it all right with the <span class="sc">Queen</span>, and that <span class="sc">William Court</span> might go +back +to Commons, and get about his business. <span class="sc">Speaker</span>, not to be outdone +in geniality, begged his anonymous friend, one of five muffled +up in scarlet gowns, in the event of any mess being made with +matters in the other House, to impute the blame to him alone, and +let the other fellows go scot-free.</p> + +<p>Amongst crowd of Commoners clustered behind <span class="sc">Speaker</span> there +was scarcely a dry eye when this noble sentiment was uttered.</p> + +<p>"Solong!" said the voice that was certainly the <span class="sc">Lord Chancellor's</span>. +Taking this as hint to retire, <span class="sc">Speaker</span> withdrew from the Bar, and +left the House "Without a stain on his character," as the Earl of +<span class="sc">Cork</span> and <span class="sc">Orrery</span> handsomely said. Returned to Commons in +procession, +with Mace lightly but firmly carried by Sergeant-at-Arms. +Instead of taking Chair, marched round by passage to the rear, +disappeared from view. Consternation in Strangers' Gallery.</p> + +<p>"He's bolted!" one gentleman whispered to his neighbour. +"Funked it when the music stopped and he came to the hosses."</p> + +<p>After few moments of growing uneasiness, a fine figure, in full-bottomed +wig, silken gown, beneath which silver-buckled shoes +shimmered, emerged from behind <span class="sc">Speaker's</span> Chair, and seated itself +in it. "Order! Order!" said a full, pleasant voice; and <span class="sc">William +Court Gully</span> entered upon what promises to be a prosperous and +distinguished career.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page216" id="page216"></a>[pg 216]</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">Sark</span> tells me that, on going into Committee +of Supply, he intends to move that +henceforward the gallery over the Clock +facing the Chair shall be called "The +Speaker's Gullery." <span class="sc">Sark</span> always thinks +of the right thing at the right time.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—New Speaker installed.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—The Order by which Ministers +took Tuesdays having lapsed, private +Members to-night came into their own +again. Always stoutly resist incursion of +greedy Governments on their small possessions. +Might reasonably be supposed +that, having come into their inheritance, +would have made most of it. Lots of +things to do to-night. Several resolutions +on paper, with Orders of Day to follow. +What happened was that by a quarter to +nine enthusiasm finally evaporated; count +called; only thirty-seven Members responded; +lights forthwith put out.</p> + +<p>Opening debate on Charity Commission +certainly a little heavy. Every Member +who got his chance felt it incumbent on +him to speak for at least half an hour. +Some considerably exceeded this limit.</p> + +<p>"<i>Parturiunt montes</i>," said <span class="sc">Herbert +Maxwell</span>, wearily looking round as +<span class="sc">Griffith-Boscawen</span> followed <span class="sc">John +Ellis</span> and <span class="sc">Jesse Collings</span> succeeded +<span class="sc">Francis Stevenson</span>; "<i>nascitur ridiculus +mus</i>."</p> + +<p>And so it was. Particular mountain +at work when the mouse appeared was +<span class="sc">J. W. Lowther</span>. Mouse entered from +behind <span class="sc">Speaker's</span> Chair; leisurely proceeded +along passage between Front Opposition +Bench and table at which J. W. was +speaking disrespectfully of <span class="sc">Jesse Collings</span>. +Halted by <span class="sc">Prince Arthur's</span> empty seat; +nibbled fibre of matting in remonstrance at his absence; passed +round fearlessly by J. W.'s heels; sat for moment in full view of +House listening attentively to J. W.'s argument; yawned and +sauntered back the way it came. Interest in debate evidently keener +than that of average Member. As soon as <span class="sc">Acland's</span> voice reverberated +through almost empty Chamber, mouse observed strolling +back along familiar way; took its seat on floor under shadow of Mace +in defiance of all Parliamentary rule; followed <span class="sc">Acland's</span> argument +with evidently keen interest. Interrupted by approach of <span class="sc">Richard +Temple</span>. Quickly looking up and catching sight of his stately figure +bowing to <span class="sc">Speaker</span>, mouse fled like the wind, in its terror making off +by Treasury Bench, finally escaping by another exit.</p> + +<p>"<i>Cogitato</i>" said <span class="sc">Herbert Maxwell</span>, who breakfasts every +morning off a plate of porridge and a page of <span class="sc">Plautus</span>,—</p> + +<div class="poem width21"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Cogitato, mus pusillus quam sit sapiens bestia,</p> +<p>Ætatem qui uni cubili nunquam committit suam."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Pension of £4,000 a year voted to <span class="sc">Arthur +Wellesley Peel</span>, late Speaker.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 280px;"><a href="images/216-700.png"><img src="images/216-280.png" width="280" height="468" alt="Fancy Picture of Sir Thomas Esmonde bringing forward" /></a> +<p class="center">Fancy Picture of Sir Thomas Esmonde bringing forward +Queen "Lily o' Killarney" Hawaii.</p></div> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—All very well for gay young +Irish baronet like <span class="sc">Esmonde</span> to champion +cause of errant Queens throned in summer +seas. Expected other things from <span class="sc">The +MacGregor</span>. House quite shocked when +he interposed just now. <span class="sc">Esmonde</span> asked +<span class="sc">Edward Grey</span> whether Government could +do anything to obtain proper treatment for +Queen of Hawaii. Before Under Secretary +could reply, <span class="sc">The MacGregor</span>, suddenly +leaping across dyke as it were, interposed. +"As I happen to know the lady +who was formerly Queen of Hawaii," said +<span class="sc">The MacGregor</span>, and so proceeded to +back up <span class="sc">Esmonde's</span> plea. Offhand way +in which reference was made suggested +illimitable possibilities, <span class="sc">The MacGregor</span> +just "happened to know" this Queen, +probably one of a bevy. On some quiet +night House might hope to hear paper +read by <span class="sc">The MacGregor</span> on "Queens I +Have Known."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Sark</span> curiously anxious as to where the +acquaintance was made, and how it was +nurtured. Did <span class="sc">The MacGregor</span> vaccinate +Her Majesty whilst he, still in public +capacity, sojourned at Penrith? Was she +an inmate of Peebles Hydropathic Institute +what time he was resident physician? +or did he minister to her at the Barnhill +Hospital and Asylum, Glasgow, of which, +before he took to Imperial politics, he was +superintendent? Pleasanter still to think +of <span class="sc">The MacGregor</span> and the Queen with +the musical name wandering hand in hand +amid the orange groves of sea-girt Hawaii, +breakfasting on the bountiful bread-fruit, +lunching off the succulent yam. Did he +in those days call her so much as <span class="sc">Liliuokalani</span>? +or did he venture on the diminutive +<span class="sc">Lili</span>? <span class="sc">Sark</span> had better give +notice of these questions. <i>Business done.</i>—Fresh Ministerial Bills +brought in with both hands.</p> + +<p><i>Friday.</i>—Another private Members' night, and, by consequence, +another count out. Things kept going till a quarter to eight, but +only with utmost difficulty. Members consented to stay in prospect +of division on <span class="sc">Albert Rollit's</span> motion protesting against exemption +of Government property from rating. But they would not longer +linger. When <span class="sc">Lubbock</span> followed, with proposal of pleasant chat +about London's share of imperial contribution to local purposes, the +few remaining Members, vainly trying to look as if they'd be "back +in ten minutes," walked out. House counted; only twenty-five +present, and so home to dinner.</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes," said <span class="sc">Walter Long</span>, left in charge of Front Opposition +Bench, "but this won't prevent us on Monday, when <span class="sc">Squire of +Malwood</span> proposes to take Tuesday and Friday mornings for public +business, stubbornly resisting piratical incursion on the rights of +private Members. Whatever we are, let us be logical."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Ministerial defeat on <span class="sc">Rollit's</span> amendment averted +by majority of one.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>THE BATTLE OF EASTBOURNE.</h3> + +<div class="poem width18"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Natis in usum lætitiæ rosis</p> +<p>Pugnare Eastbourni est.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i8"><span class="sc">Horace</span> (<i>slightly emended</i>).</p> + </div> </div> + +<p class="ind1">It is not the English nature, but the English climate that makes +us take our pleasures sadly (if we do, which we don't). And it is not +the fault of the English nature, but of the organisers, if our public +pageants are usually, like our statues, more or less good-humoured +burlesques of what they are meant to represent. Now Eastbourne has +triumphantly shown that, in spite of chilling and heavy rain, England +can rival the sunny South in the beauty and variety of a big procession +of floral cars. And if Eastbourne can do this, why can it not +be done elsewhere? "Organise, organise, organise," and let the +hireling merrymaker be conspicuously absent. Your hireling will +still wear his armour as if he were bearing the <i>spolia opima</i> of a +burgled marine-store dealer. And the lady hireling, as a sea-nymph +or a shepherdess, can never quite forget what she owes to her dignity +as a respectable married woman. In the interests of the family exchequer, +and in the way of business, she may consent to dally with +allegory, but her heart is not in the mermaid's grot, nor do the +spacious times of Great <span class="sc">Elizabeth</span> inspire her, beyond the Victorian +circus-smile, the circus-smile which puts a girdle round about the +face for forty minutes, or more if the procession be so long a-field. +At the Eastbourne Battle of Flowers everyone lived up to his or her +coach, carriage, wheel-barrow or cart, in a way which speaks +volumes for the artistic sense of the South Saxons. The children, as +children use, took the cake—after Mr. <span class="sc">Edgar Bruce</span>. They were +there in great numbers and variety, from the little <i>Titania</i> in her +fairy goat-chaise, o'er canopied with flowers and flying doves, to the +very small skipper of the very realistic ship, who stood on the rainy +deck with drawn sword and unswerving dignity for some two hours +of constant and crowded parading. "Bravo, <span class="sc">Burnaby</span>," is the resultant +cry of gratified spectators, and better weather next time. A +better show it would be ungrateful to suggest.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>Umra Khan's Consigne.</h3> + +<div class="poem width21"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>When headstrong chieftains say "I shan't,"</p> +<p class="i2">Or do the things they're bidden not to,</p> +<p>Like <span class="sc">Umra Khan</span> (now <span class="sc">Umra</span> can't),</p> +<p class="i2">They'll find "<i>non possumus</i>" their motto.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Agricultural Prospects.</span>—The Kent farmers are looking forward +to a hoppy future. "What's the odds" to <i>them</i> "as long as they're +hoppy?"</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="center">"<span class="sc">A 'Felt' Want.</span>"—A comfortable <i>and</i> respectable-looking +billycock hat.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="tn"> +<h4>Transcriber's Note</h4> + +<p>Sundry damaged or missing punctuation has been repaired.</p> + +<p>Page 205: 'thorougfares' corrected to 'thoroughfares'</p> + +<p class="ind">"The route, which ran chiefly through main thoroughfares,..."</p> + +<p>Page 208: 'preson' corrected to 'person'</p> + +<p class="ind">"If a person came to you and said that, what reply would you give him?"</p> + +<p>Page 208: 'ongues' corrected to 'tongues'</p> + +<p class="ind">"But our tongues shall laud, whilst those tongues can wag,..."</p> + +<p>Page 209: 'isplaye' corrected to 'displayed'</p> + +<p class="ind">"More charms displayed in form and feature."</p> + +<p>Page 209: 'break', possibly (Oxford English Dictionary), break<sup>3</sup> - n. +Carriage-frame +with no body, for breaking in young horses; large wagonette.</p> +<p>Seems correct in context:</p> + +<p class="ind">"Seems that break went wrong going down-hill. +Well, no "safety tandem" for <i>me</i> again—can't <i>stand +'em</i>, myself, not being in favour of infanticide. Give +<i>me</i> a good old mail cart!"<br /><br /></p> +</div> +<hr /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44759 ***</div> +</body> +</html> + diff --git a/44759-h/images/205-310.png b/44759-h/images/205-310.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7aa86c7 --- /dev/null +++ b/44759-h/images/205-310.png diff --git a/44759-h/images/205-800.png b/44759-h/images/205-800.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0803cef --- /dev/null +++ b/44759-h/images/205-800.png diff --git a/44759-h/images/206-1200.png b/44759-h/images/206-1200.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..85e66e3 --- /dev/null +++ b/44759-h/images/206-1200.png diff --git a/44759-h/images/206-400.png b/44759-h/images/206-400.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e120198 --- /dev/null +++ b/44759-h/images/206-400.png diff --git a/44759-h/images/207-1500.png b/44759-h/images/207-1500.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 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UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ef20d8c --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #44759 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/44759) diff --git a/old/44759-8.txt b/old/44759-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c5381dd --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44759-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1733 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, +May 4th, 1895, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, May 4th, 1895 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: January 26, 2014 [EBook #44759] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 108, MAY 4TH, 1895 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +Volume 108, May 4th, 1895. + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + + + +MAY DAY. + +(_Strictly according to Precedent._) + + Open the windows, salute the day; + Welcome, welcome the First of May. + Everything's changed, or ought to be, + Buds are bursting on hedge and tree. + Sweet winds breathe from the West or South + Soft as a kiss from a maiden's mouth. + Everything speaks of warmth and love, + Bright is the sun in the blue above. + Out in the woods, I know. I know, + Fur and feather are all aglow. + Downy rabbits with jewel eyes + Dart about in a wild surprise. + Yellow-billed blackbird, speckled thrush, + Pour their notes in a tuneful gush. + And all the neat little boys and girls, + With clean fresh faces and hair in curls, + Sing in a chorus, "Hurray, hurray! + April's gone, it's the First of May!" + + * * * + + That's how I dreamt my May-day dream; + But things are not what they ought to seem. + For the wind--why, bless me, the wind is East, + And the birds don't warble or chirp the least. + The whole of the sky is wrapped in gloom. + And fires are lighting in every room. + And I shiver and sneeze and spend my day + In a winter-suit on the First of May. + + * * * * * + +AUK'D ABOUT.--The skin of a Great Auk was put up for sale last week, +but the reserved price was not reached. Evidently it was of bad omen +that it should have been put up at an "Auk-shun." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW BOY! + +"LOOK, FATHER, THIS IS YOUR NEW OVERCOAT." + +"BY GEORGE, IT FITS YOU CAPITALLY!" + +"YES, DOESN'T IT! YOU WILL NOW BE ABLE TO WEAR _MY_ OLD CLOTHES!"] + + * * * * * + +DRAMATIC FAMILY LIKENESS. + +For the plot of _The Passport_, recently produced with a fair amount +of success at Terry's Theatre, the authors admit their indebtedness +to Colonel SAVAGE'S novel, _My Official Wife_. Oddly enough, this plot +bears a considerable resemblance to that of _The Orient Express_, a +piece "made in Germany," of which the English adaptation was produced +here, at Daly's, during his season. In this piece, _i.e._, _The Orient +Express_, a gentleman has tourist tickets for himself and wife; but +his wife, after disposing of her ticket to a professional _cicérone_, +returns to England alone, while her husband, travelling on business, +continues his journey. The _cicérone_ has sold the ticket cheap to a +lady, who is therefore compelled to travel under the name inscribed on +the ticket, and finds herself in the same carriage with the gentleman +who has the corresponding ticket, and the ticket-collector, seeing +the same names, hands back both tickets to the gentleman, and tries +to keep the carriage strictly reserved for them all the way, in +which attempt he fails, and hence arise, on their return to England, +complications analogous to those of _The Passport_. Was the novel of +_My Official Wife_ written before the German farcical play, or is it +only a family likeness? + + * * * * * + +"IL IRA LOIN."--Dr. FARRAR, now Chaplain to the SPEAKER, has been made +Dean of Canterbury. From the Deanery to a Bishopric is but a step. +He has gone Far, will go FARRAR and fare better ... and then ... +FARRAR-well to all his greatness! + + * * * * * + +STRIKES À LA MODE DE PARIS. + +(_From the Diary of a Pleasure-seeker of the Future._) + +ROSE early, intending to have a real good time of it, in spite of the +recent disturbances. As a precautionary measure, wore my bullet-proof +coat and shell-defying boots. Carried also my armour-plated umbrella, +which can be used (on emergencies) as a shield to quick-firing guns. +Looked out of window, and found the weather splendid. Firing, too +(which I had heard every now and again during the night), seemingly +all but ceased. + +On reaching the street, representative of the Civil Power cautioned me +to be careful. Thanked the representative for his courtesy, and asked +why a squadron of hussars were trotting past with drawn sabres. Was +told that the soldiers were engaged in the protection of a sweep +journeying to his work in a donkey-cart. + +Started for a stroll, but had to seek shelter in a doorway from a +volley of bullets fired in the direction of the early milkman. From +this demonstration I gathered that the food supply would be still +further restricted owing to the action of the men on strike. After +the purveyor had beaten a hasty retreat, advanced upon a +strongly-fortified position, which turned out to be, as I expected it +would, a doubly-entrenched cab-stand. + +Only one vehicle on the rank. Engaged the cabman. Although I was +unaccompanied by a relative or friend, found the space at my disposal +distinctly limited. The top of the four-wheeler was, of course, +occupied by the customary rocket party. The box had its usual sentry, +carrying a couple of revolvers and a search-light. Three of the seats +inside were occupied by sharpshooters, and I retained the fourth. + +"We had better make for the river," said the officer in command, and +we fell in with the suggestion. + +Our progress was comparatively uneventful. Certainly at the corners +of streets we had to run the gauntlet of a shower of projectiles of +various dimensions; still, the armour-plated sides of the cab turned +aside the flood of iron, and the custodians, by lying flat as occasion +required, escaped without injury. Leaving the steel-protected cab, I +embarked on board an armoured penny steamboat, and made my way down +the river. Fortunately, the helmsman was able to avoid the submarine +mines which had been laid by the Chairman of the Strike Committee. Our +voyage was also rendered exciting by the torpedoes. + +Having reached the last pier, I returned to land, and was sufficiently +fortunate to catch an omnibus about to start on its exciting campaign. +The route, which ran chiefly through main thoroughfares, extended to +the length of four miles. Thanks to the exertions of all arms of the +service, the distance was traversed in about three hours. Every inch +of the ground was hotly contested, but the omnibus at length won +the day. The losses on our side consisted of a colonel killed, and +seventy-four rank-and-file wounded. The casualties on the side of the +strikers were infinitely more numerous. + +On reaching my destination, I made for home in a balloon, thus +escaping any further molestation. + + * * * * * + +PRESENTED AT COURT. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I notice that "an original dramatic caricature" is +being played at the Court Theatre, under the title of _Vanity Fair_. +To prevent mistakes, I write to say at once that I am on the eve of +constructing a three-volume novel, called _Hamlet, Prince of Denmark_; +a poem, called _Box and Cox_; and a satire, called _Macaulay's History +of England_. I merely mention this fact to protect my copyright in the +names I have chosen for my new works. I have also in contemplation the +writing of a book to be entitled _Adam Bede_, a novelette, to be +known as _King Solomon's Mines_, and a story to be y'clept _Treasure +Island_. May I add that I have also some pantomimes and +eccentric ballets nearly ready that will be christened, when +completed,--_Esmond_, _The Virginians_, _The Newcomes_, _Philip_, and +last, but not least, _Pendennis_. + + Yours truly, NOTHING IF NOT ORIGINAL. + +P.S.--I am thinking of adopting as a _nom de plume_ the signature of +"WILLIAM MAKEPEACE THACKERAY." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HIS FAVOURITE SUBJECT. + +_Imperial Artist._ "WISH I COULD HAVE GOT IT DONE IN TIME FOR THE +ROYAL ACADEMY. SURE TO HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED." + +[*** The Emperor of GERMANY has recently painted a sea-piece.]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: 1886. + +1896.] + + * * * * * + +HIS FAVOURITE SUBJECT. + +_Distinguished Amateur soliloquiseth:_-- + + _There!!!_ Egotistic ways are my abhorrence; + But if this masterpiece were only hung + In the Uffizi Gallery at Florence, + Where LEIGHTON, like a god, ambrosial, young, + And MILLAIS, in immortal manhood, stand, + Self-limned, for admiration of posterity, + I fancy that this work of my right hand + Would quite eclipse mere Genius, whose temerity + In challenging comparison with BIRTH + Is really getting something unendurable. + Aha! It moves me to sardonic mirth! + To dream of _my_ position as securable + By mere Bismarckian brain!!! Now, as the god, + _I_ come out admirably. Form and stature, + The threatening eye, and the earth-shaking nod, + All, all to me are simply second nature. + Globe-trampling foot, and hand that grips the bolt,-- + Aye, and the lyre when I would play Apollo-- + Are mine! Will low-born Genius dare revolt, + Or where _I_ lead Greatness decline to follow? + Absurd! I hardly know in what great guise + To paint my greatness! I have sung of Ægir, + But he was but a sea-god, and his size + And strength compared with mine were small and meagre. + I am a Joint-stock Deity, as 'twere, + Olympus in a nutshell, Neptune, Mars, + The Cloud-Compeller and the Sungod fair. + Here I'm pure Jove. And yet somehow it jars + Upon my spirit to be so restricted + To one immortal guise, however grand. + Hah! Gods by their own pencils thus depicted + Would make a New Valhalla e'en _my_ hand + Need not disdain to add to. If Narcissus + Had been a painter, now! There is no stream, + Though clear as my own Rhine or the Ilissus, + Could do me justice. I must _paint_ my dream + Of my Supernal Self. A mere reflection + From Nature's mirror would but mar my beauty. + No; I must limn myself for the inspection + Of men and gods; it is a simple duty. + _This_ does not satisfy me. And it is + Too late, I fear, for Grandmamma's R.A. + Besides, those English journalists _might_ quiz + Even Imperial Art. They've their own way + Too much by far in that ill-ordered isle, + Those cheeky critic-fellows. Let _me_ catch + A Teuton quill-driver who'll dare to smile + Upon a masterpiece he cannot match!!! + + [_Left touching it up._ + + * * * * * + +LITERARY. + +A book is announced entitled _Irish Humour through English Glasses_. +It will be followed, we hope, by a companion volume, entitled _English +(ill) Humour through Irish (Whisky) Glasses_. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Messrs. BLACKWOOD are issuing a standard edition of the works of +GEORGE ELIOT. _Adam Bede_, of course, comes first, admirably printed +in dainty volumes of blue and gold. Glancing over the work brings back +to the memory of my Baronite a certain schoolboy who, instead of going +home to dinner, used to spend the interval in the reading-room of a +free library, literally dining off _Adam Bede_, then just out. It +will be interesting to observe how far the public of to-day, more +especially the young men and maidens who read novels, will take to +GEORGE ELIOT. In this new standard edition opportunity, alike in +respect of charm and cheapness, is made alluring. + +_The Curse of Intellect_ is an unattractive title, suggestive rather +of a series of essays on the melancholy lives of certain geniuses +than of the weird tale--for such it is--of a Man-Monkey. This story, +published by Messrs. BLACKWOOD, and written by MACHIAVELLI COLIN +CLOUT, is a modern version of _Frankenstein_, the distinction being +that, whereas _Frankenstein_ constructed his own monster, the hero of +this romance, one _Reuben Power_, finds a monster ready to hand in a +kind of "Mr. Gorilla," whom he educates to speak a strange language, +also to read, write, and think in excellent English. This Converted +Ape kills his maker, and then considerately puts an end to his +own miserable existence; he does not, however, possess a soul +(_Frankenstein's_ Monster was also deficient in this respect). "For +O it is such a 'norrible tale;" and, except to those who occasionally +enjoy "a 'norrible tale," this cannot be recommended by + + THE BARON DE B.-W. + + * * * * * + +BLIND ALLEY-GORIES. + +BY DUNNO WÄHRIAR. + +(_Translated from the original Lappish by Mr. Punch's own Hyperborean +Enthusiast._) + +NO. III.--A SOCRATIC EXPERIMENT. + +The other day I went out for a walk. My thoughts circled round my head +like bees in a bonnet, and detached themselves slowly from the loose +white honeycomb of my brain to mirror themselves in my soul, as is +usual with me on such occasions. And, somewhere round the corner, a +voice lurked calling out remarks--what I knew not, only that they were +of a highly personal character. The people I met stared at me, and I +stared at them, for I had a presentiment that they were talking about +me, but I took no notice of them--beyond informing them that they were +cowards and blowflies, and requesting to be informed why they enclosed +their dirty interiors in glass. For I am Young GARNAWAY, and when +I take a walk, I generally exchange amenities of this kind with any +persons I happen to meet. + +At the Market Place, my friend the Tallow-chandler sat inside his +shop, dozing under a pale canopy of farthing dips. + +"Answer me a question," I begged of him. "Why does one yearn for +the top brick off the chimney when one is a child, and yet feel +dissatisfied when, as a man, one receives it on the top of one's +Sunday tile? Why does the sea bird fly inland in winter to get food +from the towns--only to turn up its beak when presented with a ticket +for soup? Why do we----?" + +[Illustration: "A clear and practical illustration."] + +My friend the Tallow-chandler answered never a word, but chuckled +foolishly to himself and retired behind a barrier of mottled soap. + +When I had gone a piece further I reached a back street, where I +found my friend the Bird-stuffer sitting on his doorstep, playing the +mouth-organ. + +"Answer me a question," I besought him. "Suppose you found out that +those who hold the reins of government in our town were educating +large blue-bottle flies to make apricot jam out of your and your +neighbours' pig-wash, would you write to the local paper about it, +even if you knew that the editor would decline to insert your letter?" + +My friend answered never a word; he only giggled in embarrassment, +struck up a mazurka on his mouth-organ, and began to dance sheepishly. + +But, down in Mud Alley, my friend the Dustcart-man sat at his open +window--a family idyll, wife and six small children, all eating onions +and fried fish. + +"Answer me a question," I prayed him. "If a person came to you and +said rudely, 'Better anything else than sitting here with your head +in the domestic halter among the potsherds and puffballs of the old +ideals; rather a jolly good row that ends in a fortnight's "hard" +than fat-headed, elephant-footed dulness here with your buzzing brood +around you!' If a person came to you and said that, what reply would +you give him?" + +My friend answered never a word; he was out of the window before I had +time to walk away; and in a very few moments I received a clear and +practical illustration of the sort of reply he would give to such a +question. + +As for me, I limped home as well as I could, and, when evening fell, +and I was done up in brown paper and vinegar, both my eyes gleamed in +the evening sun with the iridescent glitter of peacocks' tails. + + * * * * * + +"FOR THIS RELIEF, MUCH THANKS!" + + ["Fort Chitral, April 20.--Colonel KELLY'S force from Gilghit + arrived to-day.... Much sickness from bad food, excessive + work, and exposure. Conduct of troops admirable.... The + discipline, devotion, and fortitude displayed by all ranks + under circumstances which required all those qualities are + beyond all praise."--_Dr. Robertson's Summary of the Siege of + Chitral._] + + "Small time, but, in that small, most greatly liv'd + This star of England." + + _Chorus: King Henry the Fifth_, Act V., Scene 2. + + Only one more "little war,"--of course, + Precipitate pluck, and inadequate force-- + Such wars as our England wages + At terrible cost in British lives, + And orphan children and widowed wives, + Whereat, though greatly our glory thrives, + Our conscience sometimes rages. + + But such little wars may need great hearts, + And the wandering heroes who play their parts + For England, the wide world over; + Fight as well though they fight--and fall-- + In a leagured hut, by a shattered wall, + As though the purple of WELLINGTON'S pall + Each death-cold breast should cover. + + Devotion, fortitude, discipline? Yes! + They always shine in the perilous press, + Where British soldiers rally. + Shine as bright in the hopeless dark + Of the mad _mêlée_, though there's none to mark + The scattered wreckage ruddy and stark + Of the last brave stand or sally. + + We rejoice to hear, though we knew we should, + Chitral's defenders again made good + The glorious old tradition + Of loyalty to the flying flag. + Cynics may dub it the torn red rag, + But our tongues shall laud, whilst those tongues can wag, + That splendid "superstition." + + The men who stood, and the men who came + O'er ice-bound ridges with hearts aflame, + To relieve their leagured brothers, + Have all done well; and the tawny skin + Of those who helped us to war and win,-- + Well, your little Englander's less akin + To England than those others! + + "For this relief, much thanks!" And thanks + To dead, and living, and of all ranks. + Forget their service? Never! + "Small time," indeed, but as brightly shone + "This star of England," as it had done + On that stricken field when the lurid sun + Of the Corsican sank for ever. + + * * * * * + +A FIRST STEP + +TOWARDS HISTRIONICS. + +(_Under the guidance of Herr Goethemann._) + +_Question._ Have you witnessed the performance of the Actor-manager? + +_Answer._ No, but I have perused the tragedy of the Author-publisher. + +_Q._ Is it a curtain-raiser? + +_A._ No, but it is a hair-lifter, in three acts. + +_Q._ How many are the persons of the drama? + +_A._ Four. + +_Q._ Of these, how many are objectionable? + +_A._ Five. + +_Q._ Kindly resolve this paradox. + +_A._ All are objectionable that come on the stage, and one that +doesn't. + +_Q._ You speak of the stage; where has the play been given? + +_A._ Nowhere. It has not received a license. + +_Q._ Is it the close season? + +_A._ No, but so much private license was taken by the Author-publisher +that the public censor did not see his way to adding to the amount. + +_Q._ Then we shall not see it interpreted by intelligent actors? + +_A._ No, for even if license were granted, the Author-publisher would +take all the parts himself. + +_Q._ I do not follow this scheme of plurality. + +_A._ I quote from his own printed advertisement, "The right of +performing in public this play (_sic_) is reserved by the author." + +_Q._ Did you state that it is a tragedy? + +_A._ Yes, but inclining to farce. + +_Q._ Does it move the reader to pity and terror? + +_A._ Yes, both. Pity for himself, and terror of the next thing of the +kind that he may have to read. + +_Q._ Has it any other of the high qualities of the Greek Tragedy? + +_A._ It says it has the unities. + +_Q._ A severe attack? + +_A._ No, the Norwegian kind; a form of Teutonic measles, painful but +transitory. + +_Q._ Is it heroic? + +_A._ No, but it is suburban. + +_Q._ Is the conclusion worthy of a great tragedy? Does it end in a +lurid light of whole-souled passion and death? + +_A._ It ends about 4 A.M. the next day, with a cock crowing. The +protagonist has come home intoxicated, and remains so. I regret to +add that he pushes the heroine, she having displaced his beverage by +breaking the glass. She slaps him upon the face, and eventually loses +animation. I do not know how the other two end, because they were not +home in time for the curtain. As it was, the Author-publisher nearly +spoilt one of the unities through waiting for them. + +_Q._ All must be well that ends so well. Is there a problem or enigma? + +_A._ There is always the insoluble riddle--why did he write it? + +_Q._ Is it full of situations? + +_A._ Not inconveniently so; but there is a dramatic moment. + +_Q._ Which? + +_A._ I do not know. + +_Q._ Then why do you say there is one? + +_A._ Because the Author-publisher says so. + +_Q._ But is it not wasteful to have three acts, and only one dramatic +moment? + +_A._ I should have thought so; but the Author-publisher says he has +shown economy. + +_Q._ Could you give me an idea of the manner? Select a striking +incident or a passage where there is subtle characterisation. + +_A._ One situation impressed me very much. I think it must have been +the dramatic moment. I reserve it for my next. + + (_To be continued._) + + * * * * * + +FILIA PULCHRA, MATER PULCHRIOR. + + I loved a girl, divinely sweet, + An unsophisticated creature; + I did not scruple to repeat + She was divine, you could not meet + More charms displayed in form and feature. + + I loved her youthful grace, her slight + And dainty form, an angel's seeming. + Crowned by sweet hair, as dark as night, + Her face would charm an artist's sight, + A poet's thoughts, a lover's dreaming. + + I loved her dark and lustrous eyes, + Which love might light with glowing passion, + Her lips, her neck--you will surmise + I wrote her rhymes, all tears and sighs + In lovesick versifier's fashion. + + I loved her like a childish pet, + I felt I could not love another, + Until the day when first I met + Her widowed mother, charming yet, + And now, instead, I love her mother. + + I love the woman, for the rose, + Full blown, excels the rosebud's beauty, + Nor think of girlish charms since those + No more inspire my Muse, which shows + My Muse is fit for any duty. + + I love her, stately as a queen + Whom VERONESE might have painted, + Blue-eyed, with hair of golden sheen-- + That's just the one thing which has been + A trouble since we've been acquainted. + + I love not charms I loved before, + Dark as the night, or, say a hearse is. + Now auburn beauty pleases more, + My wasted hours I deplore-- + I've had to alter all those verses. + + * * * * * + +EPPING AND OVERSTEPPING.--At a meeting of forest borderers, Wanstead, +it was asserted that since the Corporation had had control of the +forest, upwards of 100,000 trees had been felled. If true, the members +of the Corporation-Epping-Forest-Committee will henceforth be known as +"those fellers!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ANIMAL SPIRITS." + +NO. XII.--OUTSIDE EXETER HALL.] + + * * * * * + +TO CIRCE. + + "If doughty deeds my lady please," + Though somewhat old and gouty, + The first occasion I will seize + Of doing something "doughty"; + "If gay attire delights your eye, + I'll dight me in array" + Which every casual passer-by + Will think extremely gay. + + "If sweetest sounds can win your ear," + I'll cheerfully begin + (Though somewhat late in life, I fear), + To learn the violin; + In fact, whatever task you set, + You'll speedily discover + That in the writer you have met + A most submissive lover. + + I could exemplify the fact + Through several extra verses, + How I would please, by every act, + My kindliest of CIRCE'S; + And yet by destiny malign + You've happened just to choose + The single task which, though divine + The bidder, I refuse. + + The single task--and pardon, pray, + If, not without compunction, + Reluctantly I disobey + Your positive injunction: + Ask what you will, I'll undertake + The deed, however big, + But do not----blind my eyes and make + Me try to draw a pig! + + * * * * * + +TO A PICTURE. + + You pretty face, upon my wall, + Enshrined in glass and oak and gold, + Most charming deaf-mute--and withal + My confidante--whate'er befall, + My trust in you will rest untold, + You pretty face! + + What do they call you? Is it "Spring"? + Or "Blossoms"? or "The Coming Race"?-- + It matters not in any case, + Your name may be just anything + For all I care, you pretty face. + + You bring me back old scenes anew, + You've something of my lady's grace, + Of her sweet features just a trace, + And so I have re-christened you-- + I won't say what--you pretty face! + + I have no portrait to recall + The sweetest of all maids to me, + Nor have I need of one at all, + Yet, seeing you upon my wall, + By pleasing "make-believe" I see + Her pretty face! + + * * * * * + +BABY'S DIARY. + + ["The Nursery Tricycle contains two seats, one for the + mistress and one for the maid and her charge, and has two + pairs of pedals."--_Daily Paper._] + +This is rather fun! Ever so much better than those crawling old +mail-carts and perambulators. Wonder mother and nurse never thought +of it before. A pneumatic tandem, too, I notice. Hope they understand +blowing tire up again when it bursts. + +Nurse a duffer at pedalling. A mere passenger! Have to keep her up +to the mark by crying. Frightened a pony in a trap. Sarcastic driver +said, "_You_ don't want a bell to _your_ machine with that child +yelling like a tom-cat on fire." Gives me a hint--I must see how our +cat _does_ yell when it's on fire. + +Really, I never saw such steering! Mother has just run us into a +brick wall. Disgraceful! Why wasn't she taught tricycling when she was +young? Her education has certainly been horribly neglected. + +[Illustration] + +Why should I sit in the middle, though? Can't see the country +properly. Make another protest--louder, if possible. Passing +pedestrian observes, "You should call your machine a crycycle, not +a tricycle." Put out my tongue at him. Nurse offers to give me a +"pick-a-back"; says she can pedal too! The old humbug! Scratch her +face. Mother offers me a seat on front handle. Not half bad. + +Fresh air makes one uncommonly hungry. Time for my bottle. Insist on +my outriders stopping at a public for milk. Find the pony, trap, and +sarcastic driver stopping there too. Latter says to Mother, "So you've +brought the infant phenomenon with you, Ma'am!" Wonder what he means. +He adds something about a "fog-horn." Rude, I fancy. + +Back homewards. Awfully sleepy after that milk. Curious milk. Perhaps +sarcastic person drugged it to quiet me? Fast asleep. Wakened by +crash! Stars! Oh, _what_ is it? Try to yell--can't--mouth full of +something. + +Later. In my cot, thank Heaven! Heard doctor say, "Severe shock, but +no bones broken." Awful headache. Seems that break went wrong going +down-hill. Well, no "safety tandem" for _me_ again--can't _stand 'em_, +myself, not being in favour of infanticide. Give _me_ a good old mail +cart! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FELINE AMENITIES. + +_Miss Tregushing._ "OH YES! THERE ARE SUCH _LOVELY_ SEAS AND SKIES +IN CORNWALL, AND SUCH ROCKS AND CAVES--AND SEALS--AND THE _MOST_ +MAGNIFICENT WILD WAVES YOU EVER SAW--AND----" + +_Mrs. Frou-Frou._ "BUT NO DRESS-MAKERS, I SUPPOSE!"] + + * * * * * + +JOHN STANDS ALOOF. + +(SHIMONOSEKI, 1895.) + + ["Circumstances might arise, of course, in which we should + feel called upon to safeguard our interests, but so far we + discern no adequate ground for interference."--_The "Times" + on the Joint Protest of Russia, France and Germany against the + annexation portion of the Treaty of Shimonoseki._] + + AIR--"_The Heathen Chinee._" + + JOHN BULL _sings:_-- + + I stand by, and I mark, + And I see some things plain; + And the looks that are dark + At the JAP'S game, and gain, + From that Heathen Chinee, are peculiar; + But aloof _I_'m content to remain! + + AH SIN at the game + Thought him chipper and spry; + But he's "spoofed" all the same-- + (Whatsome'er _that_ imply)-- + And his smile is less pensive and childlike + Than when he once played with BILL NYE. + + Little JAP _looked_ absurd-- + As regarding mere size-- + And some people inferred + He was feeble likewise; + Yet he's played it this time upon JOHNNY + In a way it's scarce safe to despise. + + In the saffron pair's game + I did not take a hand. + Some conceived that the same + JAP did not understand; + But his grin somehow soon turned the tables + On "the smile that was childlike and bland." + + 'Tis a theme for BRET HARTE, + P'raps he only could show + The artful JAP'S art-- + If I may put it so-- + In a way which is worthy the subject. + But _me_ interfere, gents? Why, no! + + If JAP'S cards had been stocked-- + Which I do not believe-- + Had our feelings been shocked + By the state of JAP'S sleeve; + We might have had reason for charging + The same with intent to deceive. + + But the hands he has played + With that Heathen Chinee, + And the points he has made, + Are, as far as I see, + The result of good play _plus_ good fortune; + And _does_ it concern you or me? + + The Russ standing by + Turned his glance upon me. + (For the JAP'S pile _was_ high.) + And he hissed, "Shall this be? + Must I have this smart JAP for a neighbour? + Shall _he_ clear out the Heathen Chinee?" + + Swarthy FRANÇOIS looked glum, + Ginger HANS rubbed his chin: + But I smoked and stood mum, + As the JAP raked the tin. + Then I says, "He's played fairly and squarely. + So what call have _we_ to cut in? + + "In the game, as you know, + You would not take a hand, + But a short while ago; + So let JAPPY now land + The stakes, and AH SIN take his hiding + At the game his foe _does_ understand. + + "JOHNNY thought himself strong + At that game; but the facts + Seem to prove he was wrong; + And unwisely he acts + In howling at getting in warfare + What's frequent in warfare--that's whacks! + + "Which is why I remark, + And my purpose is plain, + That looks that are dark + At the JAPPY are vain. + And, although you may think me peculiar, + Aloof--for the time--I remain!" + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING IN THE WAY OF "GREAT EXPECTATIONS."--When JABEZ S. BALFOUR +arrives, no doubt his first visit will be to the editor of the _Penny +Illustrated Paper_, in which paper appeared the portrait of him +as "Mayor of CROYDON," wearing his chain of office--alas! the +chain!--that led directly to his identification and arrest. The +photograph was taken first and JABEZ was taken afterwards. Will JABEZ +S. BALFOUR call in at the office of the _P. I. P._ and say, with _Joe +Gargery_, "Ever the best of friends, ain't us, _P. I. P._?" Not quite +likely. + + * * * * * + +PROPOSED CHANGE OF NAME.--If Sir WHITTAKER ELLIS agrees to the scheme +for adding Bute House Estate--a Bute-iful property--to Richmond Park, +thus preserving it from the builders, then will he be gratefully +remembered as "WISEACRE ELLIS." + + * * * * * + +"BAR GOLD."--Fees to barristers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JOHN STANDS ALOOF. + +RUSSIA. "IS HE TO HAVE ALL _THIS?_" + +JOHN BULL. "WELL--HE'S PLAYED A SQUARE GAME--_I_ DON'T SEE ANY CALL TO +INTERFERE!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MAY I. THE SWEEPS' FESTIVAL. + +A STUDY IN BLACK AND WHITE. *** NICE FOR NEXT FARE.] + + * * * * * + +REMARKABLE INSTANCE OF SAGACITY IN GROUSE. + +To _The Field_ of April 20, Mr. FREDERICK MILBANK wrote about the +"Monument to a Grouse Shooter" on Wimmergill Moor. Mr. MILBANK +considered the number of grouse he had bagged as constituting a +"record," and so caused a monument to be erected on the spot sacred to +the memory of four thousand brace of grouse shot in six days by five +guns with one extra gun on the sixth day. The monument, being erected, +_scared the grouse away_. Of course they read the sad story, held a +council, and decided that as long as F. A. MILBANK was anywhere +about, within shot, they would preserve themselves by avoiding him. +Subsequently the monument was removed to Bamingham in North Yorkshire. +But the North Yorkshire birds are quite indifferent to this tale +from The Hills. They wink the other eye, that is until such time as +FREDERICK A. MILBANK shall show them the sort of gun _he_ is, and then +they'll be sorry for not having taken warning earlier, unless they +possess the sagacity of the grouse of Wimmergill, which resembles +that of _Mr. Jingle's_ dog, who read the inscription on the board, +"Gamekeeper has orders to shoot all dogs found in this inclosure," and +"wouldn't pass it." "Singular circumstance that," said _Mr. Pickwick_. +"Will you allow me to make a note of it?" + + * * * * * + +THE MODERN BUYER: + +GROWLS OF MODERN "MASTERS." + +_Royal Academy, Burlington House, May 3, 1895._ + + The "Old Masters" over, the New make a start. + Another year's past and another year's come; + And Fame blows a blast on her trumpet, and Art + Beats her drum! + + "Walk Up!!" An example is set by the Court; + And Society hastens--a feverish throng; + A mere glance at the pictures, for life is but short-- + And Art's long! + + Three artists looked on with a cynical smile-- + One needy Outsider, and two rich R.A.'s + (Both walking on velvet, because of the pile + They could raise). + + They discussed the "Art Patron"--in all of that crowd + An _avis_ that's _rara_ and _rara_ each year. + And these are the words that they spoke, and allowed + Me to hear:-- + +_First R.A._ + + "Now, to none do I yield in my love of VANDYCK-- + I adore the Italians--bow down to the Dutch; + VELASQUEZ I worship, and GOYA I like + Very much. + + "But alas! for the SHEEPSHANKS and VERNONS of old-- + For the HILLS and the rest of a connoisseur race! + Old MECÆNAS has gone; and investors of gold + Take his place." + +_Second R.A._ + + "'Old Masters' they buy--any ancient design-- + Eighteen-thirty or so is the latest they'll own; + None but 'made reputations'--no work, howe'er fine, + If unknown." + +_Outsider._ + + "Their Art's in their bankers'-books, not in their eyes + To encourage the artist is none of their plan; + They seek an investment that's likely to rise-- + To a man. + + "Do they think that fine art nowhere else can be seen + But in saint that is squint-eyed, or boor that is drunk, + In brown tree, Dutch canal, man with ruff, or the lean + Spanish monk?" + +_Second R.A._ + + "Just reflect to what artists of old had been brought + (Such as REYNOLDS, or RAPHAEL, or PHIDIAS the Greek) + Had their patrons informed them they meant to buy nought + But antique!" + +_Outsider._ + + "Then, _our_ drawing is better--our atmosphere too. + _Plein air_ was ignored, or they voted it vice. + As to '_values_,' 'twas little they thought of or knew-- + Save of price." + +_First R.A._ + + "When men buy modern art, they buy Leightons and Moores + And Sargents and Swans and the rest of our lot; + But as to their _knowledge_--like mine or like yours-- + Tommy rot!" + +_Second R.A._ + + "Do you think they appreciate LEWIS'S skies-- + Do they care if they're worked up in stipple or wash? + Do you think it's the _Art_ (not the money) they prize? + Simply bosh!" + +_Outsider._ + + "No. They judge not by Art--they judge only by fame; + And the artist may starve on his poor pallet-bed; + But their hundreds and thousands they shower on his name + When he's dead!-- + + "When the two Greatest Masters--Old Varnish and Time-- + To his work superficial beauties have lent, + Lo behold, they appreciate! Be it so. _I'm_ + Quite content." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "1895." THE ROYAL ACADEMY FIELD DAY.] + + * * * * * + +A FRIEND AT A PINCH. + +(_An Utterly Impossible Incident that will never be "Reported."_) + + SCENE--_A Court of Law. Experienced Counsel arguing a point in + the teeth of his Lordship on the Bench._ + +_His Lordship_ (_angrily_). No, Mr. BANDS, I really cannot agree with +you. It seems to me that you are merely wasting our time, and no doubt +your own. + +_Experienced Counsel_ (_politely_). Not at all, my Lord. I scarcely +venture to urge the great importance of the matter to my client. + +_His Lordship._ No doubt; and your client showed excellent judgment +in entrusting his interests to your hands. Still law is law, and can +never be anything else. + +_Exp. C._ Your Lordship is most kind. But my point, my Lord, is so +plain--the matter is so clear. Surely your Lordship must see it. + +_His Lordship_ (_with much irony_). It is my fault, no doubt, Mr. +BANDS, but as matter of fact your point is absolutely lost to me. I +confess I cannot see it at all. + +_Exp. C._ I would not propose for a moment that your Lordship's +judgment is at fault. But I would venture to suggest that the +atmosphere of the Court is sufficiently dense to cloud the clearest +and most brilliant intellect. + +_His Lordship_ (_mollified_). There is a good deal in what you say, +Mr. BANDS, but of course, we must put up with it. There is no remedy. + +_Exp. C._ With every possible respect to the Bench, my Lord, I would +humbly suggest that there is a remedy. + +_His Lordship._ Can you quote a case? + +_Exp. C._ I can, at any rate, refer to an opinion. + +_His Lordship._ Has it been reported? + +_Exp. C._ Certainly, my Lord. You will find it in the Reports of the +Hardwicke Society. Lord Chief Justice RUSSELL OF KILLOWEN has laid +it down that snuff is a most valuable assistance to the proper +dispensation of justice. His Lordship has declared that the inhaling +of prepared tobacco through the nostrils "clears the judicial brain, +predisposes it to calmness and impartiality, and enables a learned +judge to listen with patience to the most fluent and prolific of +forensic orators." If your Lordship pleases. + + [_Offers snuff-box to the Judge._ + +_His Lordship_ (_after taking a pinch_). Well, certainly the point you +have raised seems clearer to me than it did. (_After a few moments of +consideration._) I will reserve the case for further consideration, +and will deliver judgment later. + +_Exp. C._ As your Lordship pleases. I will ask the usher to hand my +authorities to your Lordship. + +_His Lordship_ (_receiving snuff-box_). You are very good. I will +not overlook their assistance in coming to a conclusion. I hope the +occasion may never arise when I might be compelled, as the vulgar +tongue expresses it, to "give you snuff." + + [_Scene closes upon mutual courtesies._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OH, I'M GLAD YOU'VE GOT A PIANO IN THE ROOMS! WHAT IS +IT?--A BROADWOOD?" + +"NO, MUM. MYOGH'NY!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, April 22._--Easter holidays over; school +back; new master in charge; process of installation a little lacking +in pomp and circumstance. This due in large measure to incidence of +holiday. At Westminster, as at other schools, boys don't insist, _vi +et armis_, on returning on the opening day. Wide gaps on most of the +benches; Front Opposition Bench a wilderness. PRINCE ARTHUR and all +his merrie men abstained from lending to installation of new Speaker +the grace and comfort of their presence. + +"It is quite true, dear boy," PRINCE ARTHUR said, when I gently +hinted that the Leader of Opposition should have been present on such +occasion, "that when our man was defeated I said, Mr. WILLIAM +COURT GULLY having been elected by a majority of the House, is +representative of the whole House. But it's a long name, you know, and +in ordinary practice I must stop short at WILLIAM. You can't expect me +to COURT GULLY." + +Amid depressing circumstances as far as attendance went, new Speaker +bore himself faultlessly. Quick-change process watched with breathless +interest from Ladies' Gallery. First, Speaker-Elect, preceded by Mace, +entered, attired in Court dress with close-fitting bob-wig. At summons +of Black Rod, proceeded to House of Lords; placed at Bar in custody of +Black Rod and Sergeant-at-Arms; not even "accommodated with a chair." +There to receive HER MAJESTY'S sanction of choice of Speaker made by +Commons. Happened that the QUEEN couldn't come. One of the cloaked and +wigged figures on Woolsack mentioned the matter in charmingly casual +way. + +"It not being convenient for HER MAJESTY to be personally present +at this time," said a voice which bewrayed the LORD CHANCELLOR, "a +Commission has been issued under the Grand Seal empowering the +Lords named therein to convey Royal Assent to Commons' selection of +Speaker." + +LORD CHANCELLOR quite friendly with Speaker-Elect, whom he familiarly +addressed as "Mr. GULLY." Spoke highly of his talents, diligence, +and sufficiency to fulfil important duties to which it had pleased +majority of Commons to call him. Said he had made it all right with +the QUEEN, and that WILLIAM COURT might go back to Commons, and get +about his business. SPEAKER, not to be outdone in geniality, begged +his anonymous friend, one of five muffled up in scarlet gowns, in +the event of any mess being made with matters in the other House, to +impute the blame to him alone, and let the other fellows go scot-free. + +Amongst crowd of Commoners clustered behind SPEAKER there was scarcely +a dry eye when this noble sentiment was uttered. + +"Solong!" said the voice that was certainly the LORD CHANCELLOR'S. +Taking this as hint to retire, SPEAKER withdrew from the Bar, and left +the House "Without a stain on his character," as the Earl of CORK and +ORRERY handsomely said. Returned to Commons in procession, with Mace +lightly but firmly carried by Sergeant-at-Arms. Instead of taking +Chair, marched round by passage to the rear, disappeared from view. +Consternation in Strangers' Gallery. + +"He's bolted!" one gentleman whispered to his neighbour. "Funked it +when the music stopped and he came to the hosses." + +After few moments of growing uneasiness, a fine figure, in +full-bottomed wig, silken gown, beneath which silver-buckled shoes +shimmered, emerged from behind SPEAKER'S Chair, and seated itself in +it. "Order! Order!" said a full, pleasant voice; and WILLIAM COURT +GULLY entered upon what promises to be a prosperous and distinguished +career. + +SARK tells me that, on going into Committee of Supply, he intends to +move that henceforward the gallery over the Clock facing the Chair +shall be called "The Speaker's Gullery." SARK always thinks of the +right thing at the right time. + +_Business done._--New Speaker installed. + +_Tuesday._--The Order by which Ministers took Tuesdays having lapsed, +private Members to-night came into their own again. Always stoutly +resist incursion of greedy Governments on their small possessions. +Might reasonably be supposed that, having come into their inheritance, +would have made most of it. Lots of things to do to-night. Several +resolutions on paper, with Orders of Day to follow. What happened was +that by a quarter to nine enthusiasm finally evaporated; count called; +only thirty-seven Members responded; lights forthwith put out. + +Opening debate on Charity Commission certainly a little heavy. Every +Member who got his chance felt it incumbent on him to speak for at +least half an hour. Some considerably exceeded this limit. + +"_Parturiunt montes_," said HERBERT MAXWELL, wearily looking round +as GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN followed JOHN ELLIS and JESSE COLLINGS succeeded +FRANCIS STEVENSON; "_nascitur ridiculus mus_." + +And so it was. Particular mountain at work when the mouse appeared was +J. W. LOWTHER. Mouse entered from behind SPEAKER'S Chair; leisurely +proceeded along passage between Front Opposition Bench and table at +which J. W. was speaking disrespectfully of JESSE COLLINGS. Halted by +PRINCE ARTHUR'S empty seat; nibbled fibre of matting in remonstrance +at his absence; passed round fearlessly by J. W.'s heels; sat +for moment in full view of House listening attentively to J. W.'s +argument; yawned and sauntered back the way it came. Interest in +debate evidently keener than that of average Member. As soon as +ACLAND'S voice reverberated through almost empty Chamber, mouse +observed strolling back along familiar way; took its seat on floor +under shadow of Mace in defiance of all Parliamentary rule; followed +ACLAND'S argument with evidently keen interest. Interrupted by +approach of RICHARD TEMPLE. Quickly looking up and catching sight of +his stately figure bowing to SPEAKER, mouse fled like the wind, in its +terror making off by Treasury Bench, finally escaping by another exit. + +"_Cogitato_" said HERBERT MAXWELL, who breakfasts every morning off a +plate of porridge and a page of PLAUTUS,-- + + "Cogitato, mus pusillus quam sit sapiens bestia, + Ætatem qui uni cubili nunquam committit suam." + +_Business done._--Pension of £4,000 a year voted to ARTHUR WELLESLEY +PEEL, late Speaker. + +[Illustration: Fancy Picture of Sir Thomas Esmonde bringing forward +Queen "Lily o' Killarney" Hawaii.] + +_Thursday._--All very well for gay young Irish baronet like ESMONDE to +champion cause of errant Queens throned in summer seas. Expected other +things from THE MACGREGOR. House quite shocked when he interposed just +now. ESMONDE asked EDWARD GREY whether Government could do anything +to obtain proper treatment for Queen of Hawaii. Before Under Secretary +could reply, THE MACGREGOR, suddenly leaping across dyke as it were, +interposed. "As I happen to know the lady who was formerly Queen of +Hawaii," said THE MACGREGOR, and so proceeded to back up ESMONDE'S +plea. Offhand way in which reference was made suggested illimitable +possibilities, THE MACGREGOR just "happened to know" this Queen, +probably one of a bevy. On some quiet night House might hope to hear +paper read by THE MACGREGOR on "Queens I Have Known." + +SARK curiously anxious as to where the acquaintance was made, and how +it was nurtured. Did THE MACGREGOR vaccinate Her Majesty whilst he, +still in public capacity, sojourned at Penrith? Was she an inmate of +Peebles Hydropathic Institute what time he was resident physician? or +did he minister to her at the Barnhill Hospital and Asylum, Glasgow, +of which, before he took to Imperial politics, he was superintendent? +Pleasanter still to think of THE MACGREGOR and the Queen with the +musical name wandering hand in hand amid the orange groves of sea-girt +Hawaii, breakfasting on the bountiful bread-fruit, lunching off the +succulent yam. Did he in those days call her so much as LILIUOKALANI? +or did he venture on the diminutive LILI? SARK had better give notice +of these questions. _Business done._--Fresh Ministerial Bills brought +in with both hands. + +_Friday._--Another private Members' night, and, by consequence, +another count out. Things kept going till a quarter to eight, but +only with utmost difficulty. Members consented to stay in prospect +of division on ALBERT ROLLIT'S motion protesting against exemption +of Government property from rating. But they would not longer linger. +When LUBBOCK followed, with proposal of pleasant chat about London's +share of imperial contribution to local purposes, the few remaining +Members, vainly trying to look as if they'd be "back in ten minutes," +walked out. House counted; only twenty-five present, and so home to +dinner. + +"Yes, yes," said WALTER LONG, left in charge of Front Opposition +Bench, "but this won't prevent us on Monday, when SQUIRE OF MALWOOD +proposes to take Tuesday and Friday mornings for public business, +stubbornly resisting piratical incursion on the rights of private +Members. Whatever we are, let us be logical." + +_Business done._--Ministerial defeat on ROLLIT'S amendment averted by +majority of one. + + * * * * * + +THE BATTLE OF EASTBOURNE. + + Natis in usum lætitiæ rosis + Pugnare Eastbourni est. + + HORACE (_slightly emended_). + +It is not the English nature, but the English climate that makes us +take our pleasures sadly (if we do, which we don't). And it is not +the fault of the English nature, but of the organisers, if our public +pageants are usually, like our statues, more or less good-humoured +burlesques of what they are meant to represent. Now Eastbourne has +triumphantly shown that, in spite of chilling and heavy rain, +England can rival the sunny South in the beauty and variety of a big +procession of floral cars. And if Eastbourne can do this, why can it +not be done elsewhere? "Organise, organise, organise," and let the +hireling merrymaker be conspicuously absent. Your hireling will still +wear his armour as if he were bearing the _spolia opima_ of a burgled +marine-store dealer. And the lady hireling, as a sea-nymph or a +shepherdess, can never quite forget what she owes to her dignity as a +respectable married woman. In the interests of the family exchequer, +and in the way of business, she may consent to dally with allegory, +but her heart is not in the mermaid's grot, nor do the spacious times +of Great ELIZABETH inspire her, beyond the Victorian circus-smile, +the circus-smile which puts a girdle round about the face for +forty minutes, or more if the procession be so long a-field. At the +Eastbourne Battle of Flowers everyone lived up to his or her coach, +carriage, wheel-barrow or cart, in a way which speaks volumes for the +artistic sense of the South Saxons. The children, as children use, +took the cake--after Mr. EDGAR BRUCE. They were there in great numbers +and variety, from the little _Titania_ in her fairy goat-chaise, o'er +canopied with flowers and flying doves, to the very small skipper of +the very realistic ship, who stood on the rainy deck with drawn sword +and unswerving dignity for some two hours of constant and crowded +parading. "Bravo, BURNABY," is the resultant cry of gratified +spectators, and better weather next time. A better show it would be +ungrateful to suggest. + + * * * * * + +Umra Khan's Consigne. + +When headstrong chieftains say "I shan't," + Or do the things they're bidden not to, +Like UMRA KHAN (now UMRA can't), + They'll find "_non possumus_" their motto. + + * * * * * + +AGRICULTURAL PROSPECTS.--The Kent farmers are looking forward to a +hoppy future. "What's the odds" to _them_ "as long as they're hoppy?" + + * * * * * + +"A 'FELT' WANT."--A comfortable _and_ respectable-looking billycock +hat. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + + +Page 205: 'thorougfares' corrected to 'thoroughfares' + + "The route, which ran chiefly through main thoroughfares,..." + +Page 208: 'preson' corrected to 'person' + + "If a person came to you and said that, what reply would you + give him?" + +Page 208: 'ongues' corrected to 'tongues' + + "But our tongues shall laud, whilst those tongues can wag,..." + +Page 209: 'isplaye' corrected to 'displayed' + + "More charms displayed in form and feature." + +Page 209: 'break', possibly (Oxford English Dictionary), break^{3} - +n. Carriage-frame with no body, for breaking in young horses; large +wagonette. Seems correct in context: + + "Seems that break went wrong going down-hill. Well, no "safety + tandem" for _me_ again--can't _stand 'em_, myself, not being in + favour of infanticide. Give _me_ a good old mail cart!" + +[^ represents a superscript.] + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +108, May 4th, 1895, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 108, MAY 4TH, 1895 *** + +***** This file should be named 44759-8.txt or 44759-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/7/5/44759/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, May 4th, 1895 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: January 26, 2014 [EBook #44759] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 108, MAY 4TH, 1895 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page205" id="page205"></a>[pg 205]</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<h1>PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.<br /> + +<small>Volume 108, <span class="sc">May 4th, 1895.</span></small><br /> + +<span class="smaller"><i>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</i></span></h1> + +<hr /> + +<h2>MAY DAY.</h2> + +<p class="title1">(<i>Strictly according to Precedent.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem width21"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Open the windows, salute the day;</p> +<p>Welcome, welcome the First of May.</p> +<p>Everything's changed, or ought to be,</p> +<p>Buds are bursting on hedge and tree.</p> +<p>Sweet winds breathe from the West or South</p> +<p>Soft as a kiss from a maiden's mouth.</p> +<p>Everything speaks of warmth and love,</p> +<p>Bright is the sun in the blue above.</p> +<p>Out in the woods, I know. I know,</p> +<p>Fur and feather are all aglow.</p> +<p>Downy rabbits with jewel eyes</p> +<p>Dart about in a wild surprise.</p> +<p>Yellow-billed blackbird, speckled thrush,</p> +<p>Pour their notes in a tuneful gush.</p> +<p>And all the neat little boys and girls,</p> +<p>With clean fresh faces and hair in curls,</p> +<p>Sing in a chorus, "Hurray, hurray!</p> +<p>April's gone, it's the First of May!"</p> + </div> <div class="stanza"> + +<p class="i4">* * * *</p> + + </div> <div class="stanza"> +<p>That's how I dreamt my May-day dream;</p> +<p>But things are not what they ought to seem.</p> +<p>For the wind—why, bless me, the wind is East,</p> +<p>And the birds don't warble or chirp the least.</p> +<p>The whole of the sky is wrapped in gloom.</p> +<p>And fires are lighting in every room.</p> +<p>And I shiver and sneeze and spend my day</p> +<p>In a winter-suit on the First of May.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">Auk'd About.</span>—The skin of a Great +Auk was put up for sale last week, +but the reserved price was not reached. +Evidently it was of bad omen that it +should have been put up at an "Auk-shun."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 310px;"><a href="images/205-800.png"><img src="images/205-310.png" width="310" height="468" alt="THE NEW BOY!" /></a> +<h3 class="sans">THE NEW BOY!</h3> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Look, Father, this is your new Overcoat.</span>"</p> + +<p>"<span class="sc">By George, it fits you capitally!</span>"</p> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Yes, doesn't it! You will now be able to wear <i>my</i> +Old Clothes!</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3 class="sans">DRAMATIC FAMILY LIKENESS.</h3> + +<p>For the plot of <i>The Passport</i>, +recently produced with a fair amount +of success at Terry's Theatre, the +authors admit their indebtedness to +Colonel <span class="sc">Savage's</span> novel, <i>My Official +Wife</i>. Oddly enough, this plot +bears a considerable resemblance to +that of <i>The Orient Express</i>, a piece +"made in Germany," of which the +English adaptation was produced +here, at Daly's, during his season. +In this piece, <i>i.e.</i>, <i>The Orient +Express</i>, a gentleman has tourist +tickets for himself and wife; but +his wife, after disposing of her +ticket to a professional <i>cicérone</i>, +returns to England alone, while her +husband, travelling on business, continues +his journey. The <i>cicérone</i> +has sold the ticket cheap to a lady, +who is therefore compelled to travel +under the name inscribed on the +ticket, and finds herself in the +same carriage with the gentleman +who has the corresponding ticket, +and the ticket-collector, seeing the +same names, hands back both tickets +to the gentleman, and tries to keep +the carriage strictly reserved for +them all the way, in which attempt +he fails, and hence arise, on their +return to England, complications +analogous to those of <i>The Passport</i>. +Was the novel of <i>My Official Wife</i> +written before the German farcical +play, or is it only a family likeness?</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind1">"<span class="sc">Il ira loin.</span>"—Dr. <span class="sc">Farrar</span>, +now Chaplain to the <span class="sc">Speaker</span>, has +been made Dean of Canterbury. +From the Deanery to a Bishopric is +but a step. He has gone Far, will +go <span class="sc">Farrar</span> and fare better ... and +then ... <span class="sc">Farrar</span>-well to all his +greatness!</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>STRIKES À LA MODE DE PARIS.</h2> + +<p class="title1">(<i>From the Diary of a Pleasure-seeker of the Future.</i>)</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Rose</span> early, intending to have a real good time of it, in spite of +the recent disturbances. As a precautionary measure, wore my +bullet-proof coat and shell-defying boots. Carried also my armour-plated +umbrella, which can be used (on emergencies) as a shield to +quick-firing guns. Looked out of window, and found the weather +splendid. Firing, too (which I had heard every now and again +during the night), seemingly all but ceased.</p> + +<p>On reaching the street, representative of the Civil Power cautioned +me to be careful. Thanked the representative for his courtesy, and +asked why a squadron of hussars were trotting past with drawn +sabres. Was told that the soldiers were engaged in the protection +of a sweep journeying to his work in a donkey-cart.</p> + +<p>Started for a stroll, but had to seek shelter in a doorway from a +volley of bullets fired in the direction of the early milkman. From +this demonstration I gathered that the food supply would be still +further restricted owing to the action of the men on strike. After +the purveyor had beaten a hasty retreat, advanced upon a strongly-fortified +position, which turned out to be, as I expected it would, a +doubly-entrenched cab-stand.</p> + +<p>Only one vehicle on the rank. Engaged the cabman. Although I +was unaccompanied by a relative or friend, found the space at my +disposal distinctly limited. The top of the four-wheeler was, of +course, occupied by the customary rocket party. The box had its +usual sentry, carrying a couple of revolvers and a search-light. +Three of the seats inside were occupied by sharpshooters, and I +retained the fourth.</p> + +<p>"We had better make for the river," said the officer in command, +and we fell in with the suggestion.</p> + +<p>Our progress was comparatively uneventful. Certainly at the +corners of streets we had to run the gauntlet of a shower of projectiles +of various dimensions; still, the armour-plated sides of the cab +turned aside the flood of iron, and the custodians, by lying flat as +occasion required, escaped without injury. Leaving the steel-protected +cab, I embarked on board an armoured penny steamboat, and +made my way down the river. Fortunately, the helmsman was able +to avoid the submarine mines which had been laid by the Chairman +of the Strike Committee. Our voyage was also rendered exciting by +the torpedoes.</p> + +<p>Having reached the last pier, I returned to land, and was sufficiently +fortunate to catch an omnibus about to start on its exciting +campaign. The route, which ran chiefly through main thoroughfares, +extended to the length of four miles. Thanks to the exertions of all +arms of the service, the distance was traversed in about three hours. +Every inch of the ground was hotly contested, but the omnibus at +length won the day. The losses on our side consisted of a colonel +killed, and seventy-four rank-and-file wounded. The casualties on +the side of the strikers were infinitely more numerous.</p> + +<p>On reaching my destination, I made for home in a balloon, thus +escaping any further molestation.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>PRESENTED AT COURT.</h3> + +<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,—I notice that "an original dramatic caricature" +is being played at the Court Theatre, under the title of +<i>Vanity Fair</i>. To prevent mistakes, I write to say at once that I am +on the eve of constructing a three-volume novel, called <i>Hamlet, Prince +of Denmark</i>; a poem, called <i>Box and Cox</i>; and a satire, called +<i>Macaulay's History of England</i>. I merely mention this fact to +protect my copyright in the names I have chosen for my new works. +I have also in contemplation the writing of a book to be entitled +<i>Adam Bede</i>, a novelette, to be known as <i>King Solomon's Mines</i>, +and a story to be y'clept <i>Treasure Island</i>. May I add that I have +also some pantomimes and eccentric ballets nearly ready that will be +christened, when completed,—<i>Esmond</i>, <i>The Virginians</i>, <i>The +Newcomes</i>, +<i>Philip</i>, and last, but not least, <i>Pendennis</i>.</p> + +<p class="author">Yours truly, <span class="sc">Nothing if not Original</span>.</p> + +<p class="ind">P.S.—I am thinking of adopting as a <i>nom de plume</i> the signature +of "<span class="sc">William Makepeace Thackeray</span>."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page206" id="page206"></a>[pg 206]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:500px;"><a href="images/206-1200.png"><img src="images/206-400.png" width="400" height="499" alt="HIS FAVOURITE SUBJECT." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">HIS FAVOURITE SUBJECT.</h3> + +<p><i>Imperial Artist.</i> "<span class="sc">Wish I could have got it done in time for the Royal +Academy. Sure to have been accepted.</span>"</p> + +<p>[ <span class="aster">*<sub>*</sub>*</span> The Emperor of <span class="sc">Germany</span> has recently painted a sea-piece.]</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page207" id="page207"></a>[pg 207]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/207-1500.png"><img src="images/207-600.png" width="600" height="446" alt="1886. 1896." /></a> +</div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>HIS FAVOURITE SUBJECT.</h3> + +<p class="title1"><i>Distinguished Amateur soliloquiseth:</i>—</p> + +<div class="poem width24"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><i>There!!!</i> Egotistic ways are my abhorrence;</p> +<p class="i2">But if this masterpiece were only hung</p> +<p>In the Uffizi Gallery at Florence,</p> +<p class="i2">Where <span class="sc">Leighton</span>, like a god, ambrosial, young,</p> +<p>And <span class="sc">Millais</span>, in immortal manhood, stand,</p> +<p class="i2">Self-limned, for admiration of posterity,</p> +<p>I fancy that this work of my right hand</p> +<p class="i2">Would quite eclipse mere Genius, whose temerity</p> +<p>In challenging comparison with <span class="sc">Birth</span></p> +<p class="i2">Is really getting something unendurable.</p> +<p>Aha! It moves me to sardonic mirth!</p> +<p class="i2">To dream of <i>my</i> position as securable</p> +<p>By mere Bismarckian brain!!! Now, as the god,</p> +<p class="i2"><i>I</i> come out admirably. Form and stature,</p> +<p>The threatening eye, and the earth-shaking nod,</p> +<p class="i2">All, all to me are simply second nature.</p> +<p>Globe-trampling foot, and hand that grips the bolt,—</p> +<p class="i2">Aye, and the lyre when I would play Apollo—</p> +<p>Are mine! Will low-born Genius dare revolt,</p> +<p class="i2">Or where <i>I</i> lead Greatness decline to follow?</p> +<p>Absurd! I hardly know in what great guise</p> +<p class="i2">To paint my greatness! I have sung of Ægir,</p> +<p>But he was but a sea-god, and his size</p> +<p class="i2">And strength compared with mine were small and meagre.</p> +<p>I am a Joint-stock Deity, as 'twere,</p> +<p class="i2">Olympus in a nutshell, Neptune, Mars,</p> +<p>The Cloud-Compeller and the Sungod fair.</p> +<p class="i2">Here I'm pure Jove. And yet somehow it jars</p> +<p>Upon my spirit to be so restricted</p> +<p class="i2">To one immortal guise, however grand.</p> +<p>Hah! Gods by their own pencils thus depicted</p> +<p class="i2">Would make a New Valhalla e'en <i>my</i> hand</p> +<p>Need not disdain to add to. If Narcissus</p> +<p class="i2">Had been a painter, now! There is no stream,</p> +<p>Though clear as my own Rhine or the Ilissus,</p> +<p class="i2">Could do me justice. I must <i>paint</i> my dream</p> +<p>Of my Supernal Self. A mere reflection</p> +<p class="i2">From Nature's mirror would but mar my beauty.</p> +<p>No; I must limn myself for the inspection</p> +<p class="i2">Of men and gods; it is a simple duty.</p> +<p><i>This</i> does not satisfy me. And it is</p> +<p class="i2">Too late, I fear, for Grandmamma's R.A.</p> +<p>Besides, those English journalists <i>might</i> quiz</p> +<p class="i2">Even Imperial Art. They've their own way</p> +<p>Too much by far in that ill-ordered isle,</p> +<p class="i2">Those cheeky critic-fellows. Let <i>me</i> catch</p> +<p>A Teuton quill-driver who'll dare to smile</p> +<p class="i2">Upon a masterpiece he cannot match!!!</p> +</div> <div class="stanza"> + +<p class="i28">[<i>Left touching it up.</i></p> +</div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>Literary.</h3> + +<p class="ind3">A book is announced entitled <i>Irish Humour +through English Glasses</i>. It will be +followed, we hope, by a companion volume, +entitled <i>English (ill) Humour through Irish +(Whisky) Glasses</i>.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p>Messrs. <span class="sc">Blackwood</span> are issuing a standard +edition of the works of <span class="sc">George Eliot</span>. <i>Adam +Bede</i>, of course, comes first, admirably +printed in dainty volumes of blue and gold. +Glancing over the work brings back to the +memory of my Baronite a certain schoolboy +who, instead of going home to dinner, used +to spend the interval in the reading-room of +a free library, literally dining off <i>Adam Bede</i>, +then just out. It will be interesting to observe +how far the public of to-day, more especially +the young men and maidens who read novels, +will take to <span class="sc">George Eliot</span>. In this new +standard edition opportunity, alike in respect +of charm and cheapness, is made alluring.</p> + +<p><i>The Curse of Intellect</i> is an unattractive +title, suggestive rather of a series of essays +on the melancholy lives of certain geniuses +than of the weird tale—for such it is—of +a Man-Monkey. This story, published by +Messrs. <span class="sc">Blackwood</span>, and written by <span class="sc">Machiavelli +Colin Clout</span>, is a modern version +of <i>Frankenstein</i>, the distinction being that, +whereas <i>Frankenstein</i> constructed his own +monster, the hero of this romance, one <i>Reuben +Power</i>, finds a monster ready to hand in a kind +of "Mr. Gorilla," whom he educates to speak +a strange language, also to read, write, and +think in excellent English. This Converted +Ape kills his maker, and then considerately +puts an end to his own miserable existence; he +does not, however, possess a soul (<i>Frankenstein's</i> +Monster was also deficient in this +respect). "For O it is such a 'norrible tale;" +and, except to those who occasionally enjoy +"a 'norrible tale," this cannot be recommended +by</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">The Baron de B.-W.</span></p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page208" id="page208"></a>[pg 208]</span></p> + +<h2 class="sans">BLIND ALLEY-GORIES.</h2> + +<p class="title2"><span class="sc">By Dunno Währiar.</span></p> + +<p class="center">(<i>Translated from the original Lappish by Mr. Punch's own +Hyperborean Enthusiast.</i>)</p> + +<h3><span class="sc">No. III.</span>—<span class="sc">A Socratic Experiment.</span></h3> + +<p>The other day I went out for a walk. My thoughts circled round +my head like bees in a bonnet, and detached themselves slowly from +the loose white honeycomb of my brain to mirror themselves in my +soul, as is usual with me on +such occasions. And, somewhere +round the corner, a +voice lurked calling out remarks—what +I knew not, only +that they were of a highly +personal character. The people +I met stared at me, and I +stared at them, for I had a +presentiment that they were +talking about me, but I took +no notice of them—beyond informing +them that they were +cowards and blowflies, and requesting to be informed why they enclosed +their dirty interiors in glass. For I am Young <span class="sc">Garnaway</span>, +and when I take a walk, I generally exchange amenities of this +kind with any persons I happen to meet.</p> + +<p>At the Market Place, my friend the Tallow-chandler sat inside his +shop, dozing under a pale canopy of farthing dips.</p> + +<p>"Answer me a question," I begged of him. "Why does one yearn +for the top brick off the chimney when one is a child, and yet feel +dissatisfied when, as a man, one receives it on the top of one's +Sunday tile? Why does the sea bird fly inland in winter to get food +from the towns—only to turn up its beak when presented with a +ticket for soup? Why do we——?"</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/208-1000.png"><img src="images/208-400.png" width="400" height="129" alt="'A clear and practical illustration.'" /></a> +<p class="center">"A clear and practical illustration."</p></div> + +<p>My friend the Tallow-chandler answered never a word, but +chuckled foolishly to himself and retired behind a barrier of mottled +soap.</p> + +<p>When I had gone a piece further I reached a back street, where I +found my friend the Bird-stuffer sitting on his doorstep, playing the +mouth-organ.</p> + +<p>"Answer me a question," I besought him. "Suppose you found +out that those who hold the reins of government in our town were +educating large blue-bottle flies to make apricot jam out of your and +your neighbours' pig-wash, would you write to the local paper about +it, even if you knew that the editor would decline to insert your +letter?"</p> + +<p>My friend answered never a +word; he only giggled in +embarrassment, struck up a +mazurka on his mouth-organ, +and began to dance sheepishly.</p> + +<p>But, down in Mud Alley, my +friend the Dustcart-man sat +at his open window—a family +idyll, wife and six small children, +all eating onions and +fried fish.</p> + +<p>"Answer me a question," I +prayed him. "If a person came to you and said rudely, 'Better +anything else than sitting here with your head in the domestic halter +among the potsherds and puffballs of the old ideals; rather a jolly +good row that ends in a fortnight's "hard" than fat-headed, elephant-footed +dulness here with your buzzing brood around you!' If a +person came to you and said that, what reply would you give him?"</p> + +<p>My friend answered never a word; he was out of the window +before I had time to walk away; and in a very few moments I received +a clear and practical illustration of the sort of reply he would +give to such a question.</p> + +<p>As for me, I limped home as well as I could, and, when evening fell, +and I was done up in brown paper and vinegar, both my eyes gleamed +in the evening sun with the iridescent glitter of peacocks' tails.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3 class="sans">"FOR THIS RELIEF, MUCH THANKS!"</h3> + +<p class="ind2">["Fort Chitral, April 20.—Colonel <span class="sc">Kelly's</span> +force from Gilghit arrived to-day.... Much sickness +from bad food, excessive work, and exposure. +Conduct of troops admirable.... The discipline, +devotion, and fortitude displayed by all ranks +under circumstances which required all those +qualities are beyond all praise."—<i>Dr. Robertson's +Summary of the Siege of Chitral.</i>]</p> + +<div class="poem width24"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Small time, but, in that small, most greatly liv'd</p> +<p class="i2">This star of England."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10"><i>Chorus: King Henry the Fifth</i>, Act V., Scene 2.</p> + </div> </div> + +<div class="poem width24"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Only one more "little war,"—of course,</p> +<p>Precipitate pluck, and inadequate force—</p> +<p class="i2">Such wars as our England wages</p> +<p>At terrible cost in British lives,</p> +<p>And orphan children and widowed wives,</p> +<p>Whereat, though greatly our glory thrives,</p> +<p class="i2">Our conscience sometimes rages.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But such little wars may need great hearts,</p> +<p>And the wandering heroes who play their parts</p> +<p class="i2">For England, the wide world over;</p> +<p>Fight as well though they fight—and fall—</p> +<p>In a leagured hut, by a shattered wall,</p> +<p>As though the purple of <span class="sc">Wellington's</span> pall</p> +<p class="i2">Each death-cold breast should cover.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Devotion, fortitude, discipline? Yes!</p> +<p>They always shine in the perilous press,</p> +<p class="i2">Where British soldiers rally.</p> +<p>Shine as bright in the hopeless dark</p> +<p>Of the mad <i>mêlée</i>, though there's none to mark</p> +<p>The scattered wreckage ruddy and stark</p> +<p class="i2">Of the last brave stand or sally.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>We rejoice to hear, though we knew we should,</p> +<p>Chitral's defenders again made good</p> +<p class="i2">The glorious old tradition</p> +<p>Of loyalty to the flying flag.</p> +<p>Cynics may dub it the torn red rag,</p> +<p>But our tongues shall laud, whilst those tongues can wag,</p> +<p class="i2">That splendid "superstition."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The men who stood, and the men who came</p> +<p>O'er ice-bound ridges with hearts aflame,</p> +<p class="i2">To relieve their leagured brothers,</p> +<p>Have all done well; and the tawny skin</p> +<p>Of those who helped us to war and win,—</p> +<p>Well, your little Englander's less akin</p> +<p class="i2">To England than those others!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"For this relief, much thanks!" And thanks</p> +<p>To dead, and living, and of all ranks.</p> +<p class="i2">Forget their service? Never!</p> +<p>"Small time," indeed, but as brightly shone</p> +<p>"This star of England," as it had done</p> +<p>On that stricken field when the lurid sun</p> +<p class="i2">Of the Corsican sank for ever.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2 class="sq">A FIRST STEP<br /> + +<small>TOWARDS HISTRIONICS.</small></h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>Under the guidance of Herr Goethemann.</i>)</p> + +<ul class="none"> +<li><i>Question.</i> Have you witnessed the performance +of the Actor-manager?</li> + +<li><i>Answer.</i> No, but I have perused the tragedy +of the Author-publisher.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Is it a curtain-raiser?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> No, but it is a hair-lifter, in three acts.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> How many are the persons of the drama?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Four.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Of these, how many are objectionable?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Five.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Kindly resolve this paradox.</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> All are objectionable that come on the +stage, and one that doesn't.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> You speak of the stage; where has the +play been given?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Nowhere. It has not received a license.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Is it the close season?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> No, but so much private license was +taken by the Author-publisher that the public +censor did not see his way to adding to the +amount.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Then we shall not see it interpreted by +intelligent actors?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> No, for even if license were granted, +the Author-publisher would take all the +parts himself.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> I do not follow this scheme of plurality.</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> I quote from his own printed advertisement, +"The right of performing in public +this play (<i>sic</i>) is reserved by the author."</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Did you state that it is a tragedy?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Yes, but inclining to farce.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Does it move the reader to pity and terror?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Yes, both. Pity for himself, and terror +of the next thing of the kind that he may +have to read.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Has it any other of the high qualities +of the Greek Tragedy?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> It says it has the unities.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> A severe attack?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> No, the Norwegian kind; a form of +Teutonic measles, painful but transitory.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Is it heroic?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> No, but it is suburban.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Is the conclusion worthy of a great +tragedy? Does it end in a lurid light of +whole-souled passion and death?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> It ends about 4 <span class="sc">A.M.</span> the next day, +with a cock crowing. The protagonist has +come home intoxicated, and remains so. +I regret to add that he pushes the heroine, +she having displaced his beverage by breaking +the glass. She slaps him upon the face, +and eventually loses animation. I do not +know how the other two end, because they +were not home in time for the curtain. As +it was, the Author-publisher nearly spoilt +one of the unities through waiting for them.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> All must be well that ends so well. +Is there a problem or enigma?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> There is always the insoluble riddle—why +did he write it?</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Is it full of situations?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Not inconveniently so; but there is a +dramatic moment.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Which?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> I do not know.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Then why do you say there is one?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Because the Author-publisher says so.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> But is it not wasteful to have three +acts, and only one dramatic moment?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> I should have thought so; but the +Author-publisher says he has shown economy.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Could you give me an idea of the manner? +Select a striking incident or a passage where +there is subtle characterisation.</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> One situation impressed me very much. +I think it must have been the dramatic +moment. I reserve it for my next.</li> +</ul> + +<p class="center">(<i>To be continued.</i>)</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page209" id="page209"></a>[pg 209]</span></p> + +<h3 class="sans">FILIA PULCHRA, MATER PULCHRIOR.</h3> + +<div class="poem width21"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>I loved a girl, divinely sweet,</p> +<p class="i2">An unsophisticated creature;</p> +<p>I did not scruple to repeat</p> +<p>She was divine, you could not meet</p> +<p class="i2">More charms displayed in form and feature.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I loved her youthful grace, her slight</p> +<p class="i2">And dainty form, an angel's seeming.</p> +<p>Crowned by sweet hair, as dark as night,</p> +<p>Her face would charm an artist's sight,</p> +<p class="i2">A poet's thoughts, a lover's dreaming.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I loved her dark and lustrous eyes,</p> +<p class="i2">Which love might light with glowing passion,</p> +<p>Her lips, her neck—you will surmise</p> +<p>I wrote her rhymes, all tears and sighs</p> +<p class="i2">In lovesick versifier's fashion.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I loved her like a childish pet,</p> +<p class="i2">I felt I could not love another,</p> +<p>Until the day when first I met</p> +<p>Her widowed mother, charming yet,</p> +<p class="i2">And now, instead, I love her mother.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I love the woman, for the rose,</p> +<p class="i2">Full blown, excels the rosebud's beauty,</p> +<p>Nor think of girlish charms since those</p> +<p>No more inspire my Muse, which shows</p> +<p class="i2">My Muse is fit for any duty.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I love her, stately as a queen</p> +<p class="i2">Whom <span class="sc">Veronese</span> might have painted,</p> +<p>Blue-eyed, with hair of golden sheen—</p> +<p>That's just the one thing which has been</p> +<p class="i2">A trouble since we've been acquainted.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I love not charms I loved before,</p> +<p class="i2">Dark as the night, or, say a hearse is.</p> +<p>Now auburn beauty pleases more,</p> +<p>My wasted hours I deplore—</p> +<p class="i2">I've had to alter all those verses.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">Epping and Overstepping.</span>—At +a meeting of forest borderers, Wanstead, +it was asserted that since the +Corporation had had control of the +forest, upwards of 100,000 trees had +been felled. If true, the members of +the Corporation-Epping-Forest-Committee +will henceforth be known as +"those fellers!"</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 230px;"><a href="images/209a-900.png"><img src="images/209a-230.png" width="230" height="495" alt="'ANIMAL SPIRITS.'" /></a> +<h3 class="sans">"ANIMAL SPIRITS."</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">No. XII.—Outside Exeter Hall.</span></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>TO CIRCE.</h3> + +<div class="poem width21"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"If doughty deeds my lady please,"</p> +<p class="i2">Though somewhat old and gouty,</p> +<p>The first occasion I will seize</p> +<p class="i2">Of doing something "doughty";</p> +<p>"If gay attire delights your eye,</p> +<p> I'll dight me in array"</p> +<p>Which every casual passer-by</p> +<p class="i2">Will think extremely gay.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"If sweetest sounds can win your ear,"</p> +<p class="i2">I'll cheerfully begin</p> +<p>(Though somewhat late in life, I fear),</p> +<p class="i2">To learn the violin;</p> +<p>In fact, whatever task you set,</p> +<p class="i2">You'll speedily discover</p> +<p>That in the writer you have met</p> +<p class="i2">A most submissive lover.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I could exemplify the fact</p> +<p class="i2">Through several extra verses,</p> +<p>How I would please, by every act,</p> +<p class="i2">My kindliest of <span class="sc">Circe's</span>;</p> +<p>And yet by destiny malign</p> +<p class="i2">You've happened just to choose</p> +<p>The single task which, though divine</p> +<p class="i2">The bidder, I refuse.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The single task—and pardon, pray,</p> +<p class="i2">If, not without compunction,</p> +<p>Reluctantly I disobey</p> +<p class="i2">Your positive injunction:</p> +<p>Ask what you will, I'll undertake</p> +<p class="i2">The deed, however big,</p> +<p>But do not——blind my eyes and make</p> +<p class="i2">Me try to draw a pig!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>TO A PICTURE.</h3> + +<div class="poem width21"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>You pretty face, upon my wall,</p> +<p class="i2">Enshrined in glass and oak and gold,</p> +<p>Most charming deaf-mute—and withal</p> +<p>My confidante—whate'er befall,</p> +<p class="i2">My trust in you will rest untold,</p> +<p class="i10">You pretty face!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>What do they call you? Is it "Spring"?</p> +<p class="i2">Or "Blossoms"? or "The Coming Race"?—</p> +<p class="i2">It matters not in any case,</p> +<p>Your name may be just anything</p> +<p class="i2">For all I care, you pretty face.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>You bring me back old scenes anew,</p> +<p class="i2">You've something of my lady's grace,</p> +<p class="i2">Of her sweet features just a trace,</p> +<p>And so I have re-christened you—</p> +<p class="i2">I won't say what—you pretty face!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I have no portrait to recall</p> +<p class="i2">The sweetest of all maids to me,</p> +<p>Nor have I need of one at all,</p> +<p>Yet, seeing you upon my wall,</p> +<p class="i2">By pleasing "make-believe" I see</p> +<p class="i10">Her pretty face!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>BABY'S DIARY.</h2> + +<p class="center">["The Nursery Tricycle contains two seats, one for the mistress and one +for the maid and her charge, and has two pairs of pedals."—<i>Daily Paper.</i>]</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 180px;"><a href="images/209b-360.png"><img src="images/209b-180.png" width="180" height="245" alt="Baby's Diary" /></a></div> + +<p>This is rather fun! Ever so much better than those crawling +old mail-carts and perambulators. Wonder mother and +nurse never thought of it before. A pneumatic tandem, +too, I notice. Hope they understand blowing tire up +again when it bursts.</p> + +<p>Nurse a duffer at pedalling. A mere passenger! Have +to keep her up to the mark by crying. Frightened a +pony in a trap. Sarcastic driver said, "<i>You</i> don't want +a bell to <i>your</i> machine with that child yelling like a +tom-cat on fire." Gives me a hint—I must see how our +cat <i>does</i> yell when it's on fire.</p> + +<p>Really, I never saw such steering! Mother has just +run us into a brick wall. Disgraceful! Why wasn't +she taught tricycling when she was young? Her education +has certainly been horribly neglected.</p> + +<p>Why should I sit in the middle, though? Can't see +the country properly. Make another protest—louder, if +possible. Passing pedestrian observes, "You should call your machine +a crycycle, not a tricycle." Put out my tongue at him. Nurse offers to +give me a "pick-a-back"; says she can pedal too! The old humbug! +Scratch her face. Mother offers me a seat on front handle. Not half bad.</p> + +<p>Fresh air makes one uncommonly hungry. Time for my bottle. +Insist on my outriders stopping at a public for milk. +Find the pony, trap, and sarcastic driver stopping there +too. Latter says to Mother, "So you've brought the +infant phenomenon with you, Ma'am!" Wonder what +he means. He adds something about a "fog-horn." +Rude, I fancy.</p> + +<p>Back homewards. Awfully sleepy after that milk. +Curious milk. Perhaps sarcastic person drugged it to quiet +me? Fast asleep. Wakened by crash! Stars! Oh, <i>what</i> +is it? Try to yell—can't—mouth full of something.</p> + +<p>Later. In my cot, thank Heaven! Heard doctor say, +"Severe shock, but no bones broken." Awful headache. +Seems that break went wrong going down-hill. +Well, no "safety tandem" for <i>me</i> again—can't <i>stand +'em</i>, myself, not being in favour of infanticide. Give +<i>me</i> a good old mail cart!</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page210" id="page210"></a>[pg 210]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/210-1500.png"><img src="images/210-600.png" width="600" height="381" alt="FELINE AMENITIES." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">FELINE AMENITIES.</h3> + +<p><i>Miss Tregushing.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh yes! there are such <i>lovely</i> Seas and Skies +in Cornwall, and such Rocks and Caves—and Seals—and +the <i>most</i> magnificent wild Waves you ever saw—and——</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Frou-Frou.</i> "<span class="sc">But no Dress-makers, I suppose!</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>JOHN STANDS ALOOF.</h2> + +<p class="title2a">(<span class="sc">Shimonoseki, 1895.</span>)</p> + +<p class="ind3">["Circumstances might arise, of course, in +which we should feel called upon to safeguard our +interests, but so far we discern no adequate ground +for interference."—<i>The "Times" on the Joint +Protest of Russia, France and Germany against the +annexation portion of the Treaty of Shimonoseki.</i>]</p> + +<p class="title1"><span class="sc">Air</span>—"<i>The Heathen Chinee.</i>"</p> + +<p class="title1"><span class="sc">John Bull</span> <i>sings:</i>—</p> + +<div class="poem width21"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>I stand by, and I mark,</p> +<p class="i2">And I see some things plain;</p> +<p>And the looks that are dark</p> +<p class="i2">At the <span class="sc">Jap's</span> game, and gain,</p> +<p>From that Heathen Chinee, are peculiar;</p> +<p class="i2">But aloof <i>I</i>'m content to remain!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Ah Sin</span> at the game</p> +<p class="i2">Thought him chipper and spry;</p> +<p>But he's "spoofed" all the same—</p> +<p class="i2">(Whatsome'er <i>that</i> imply)—</p> +<p>And his smile is less pensive and childlike</p> +<p class="i2">Than when he once played with <span class="sc">Bill Nye</span>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Little <span class="sc">Jap</span> <i>looked</i> absurd—</p> +<p class="i2">As regarding mere size—</p> +<p>And some people inferred</p> +<p class="i2">He was feeble likewise;</p> +<p>Yet he's played it this time upon <span class="sc">Johnny</span></p> +<p class="i2">In a way it's scarce safe to despise.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>In the saffron pair's game</p> +<p class="i2">I did not take a hand.</p> +<p>Some conceived that the same</p> +<p class="i2"><span class="sc">Jap</span> did not understand;</p> +<p>But his grin somehow soon turned the tables</p> +<p class="i2">On "the smile that was childlike and bland."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>'Tis a theme for <span class="sc">Bret Harte</span>,</p> +<p class="i2">P'raps he only could show</p> +<p>The artful <span class="sc">Jap's</span> art—</p> +<p class="i2">If I may put it so—</p> +<p>In a way which is worthy the subject.</p> +<p class="i2">But <i>me</i> interfere, gents? Why, no!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>If <span class="sc">Jap's</span> cards had been stocked—</p> +<p class="i2">Which I do not believe—</p> +<p>Had our feelings been shocked</p> +<p class="i2">By the state of <span class="sc">Jap's</span> sleeve;</p> +<p>We might have had reason for charging</p> +<p class="i2">The same with intent to deceive.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But the hands he has played</p> +<p class="i2">With that Heathen Chinee,</p> +<p>And the points he has made,</p> +<p class="i2">Are, as far as I see,</p> +<p>The result of good play <i>plus</i> good fortune;</p> +<p class="i2">And <i>does</i> it concern you or me?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The Russ standing by</p> +<p class="i2">Turned his glance upon me.</p> +<p>(For the <span class="sc">Jap's</span> pile <i>was</i> high.)</p> +<p class="i2">And he hissed, "Shall this be?</p> +<p>Must I have this smart <span class="sc">Jap</span> for a neighbour?</p> +<p class="i2">Shall <i>he</i> clear out the Heathen Chinee?"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Swarthy <span class="sc">François</span> looked glum,</p> +<p class="i2">Ginger <span class="sc">Hans</span> rubbed his chin:</p> +<p>But I smoked and stood mum,</p> +<p class="i2">As the <span class="sc">Jap</span> raked the tin.</p> +<p>Then I says, "He's played fairly and squarely.</p> +<p class="i2">So what call have <i>we</i> to cut in?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"In the game, as you know,</p> +<p class="i2">You would not take a hand,</p> +<p>But a short while ago;</p> +<p class="i2">So let <span class="sc">Jappy</span> now land</p> +<p>The stakes, and <span class="sc">Ah Sin</span> take his hiding</p> +<p class="i2">At the game his foe <i>does</i> understand.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"<span class="sc">Johnny</span> thought himself strong</p> +<p class="i2">At that game; but the facts</p> +<p>Seem to prove he was wrong;</p> +<p class="i2">And unwisely he acts</p> +<p>In howling at getting in warfare</p> +<p class="i2">What's frequent in warfare—that's whacks!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Which is why I remark,</p> +<p class="i2">And my purpose is plain,</p> +<p>That looks that are dark</p> +<p class="i2">At the <span class="sc">Jappy</span> are vain.</p> +<p>And, although you may think me peculiar,</p> +<p class="i2">Aloof—for the time—I remain!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Something in the Way of "Great +Expectations.</span>"—When <span class="sc">Jabez S. Balfour</span> +arrives, no doubt his first visit will be to the +editor of the <i>Penny Illustrated Paper</i>, in +which paper appeared the portrait of him as +"Mayor of <span class="sc">Croydon</span>," wearing his chain of +office—alas! the chain!—that led directly to +his identification and arrest. The photograph +was taken first and <span class="sc">Jabez</span> was taken afterwards. +Will <span class="sc">Jabez S. Balfour</span> call in at the +office of the <i>P. I. P.</i> and say, with <i>Joe Gargery</i>, +"Ever the best of friends, ain't us, +<i>P. I. P.</i>?" Not quite likely.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">Proposed Change of Name.</span>—If Sir +<span class="sc">Whittaker Ellis</span> agrees to the scheme for +adding Bute House Estate—a Bute-iful property—to +Richmond Park, thus preserving it +from the builders, then will he be gratefully +remembered as "<span class="sc">Wiseacre Ellis</span>."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="center">"<span class="sc">Bar Gold.</span>"—Fees to barristers.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page211" id="page211"></a>[pg 211]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/211-1500.png"><img src="images/211-600.png" width="600" height="462" alt="JOHN STANDS ALOOF." /></a> +<h2><big>JOHN STANDS ALOOF.</big></h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Russia</span>. "IS HE TO HAVE ALL <i>THIS?</i>"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">John Bull</span>. "WELL—HE'S PLAYED A SQUARE GAME—<i>I</i> DON'T SEE ANY +CALL TO INTERFERE!"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page212" id="page212"></a>[pg 212]</span><br /></p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page213" id="page213"></a>[pg 213]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/213-700.png"><img src="images/213-240.png" width="240" height="484" alt="MAY I. THE SWEEPS' FESTIVAL." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">MAY I. THE SWEEPS' FESTIVAL.</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">A Study in Black and White.</span> <span class="aster">*<sub>*</sub>*</span> <span class="sc">Nice for Next Fare.</span></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>REMARKABLE INSTANCE OF SAGACITY IN GROUSE.</h3> + +<p>To <i>The Field</i> of April 20, Mr. <span class="sc">Frederick Milbank</span> wrote about +the "Monument to a Grouse Shooter" on Wimmergill Moor. Mr. +<span class="sc">Milbank</span> considered the number of grouse he had bagged as constituting +a "record," and so caused a monument to be erected on the +spot sacred to the memory of four thousand brace of grouse shot +in six days by five guns with one extra gun on the sixth day. +The monument, being erected, <i>scared the grouse away</i>. Of course +they read the sad story, held a council, and decided that as long +as <span class="sc">F. A. Milbank</span> was anywhere about, within shot, they would +preserve themselves by avoiding him. Subsequently the monument +was removed to Bamingham in North Yorkshire. But the North +Yorkshire birds are quite indifferent to this tale from The Hills. +They wink the other eye, that is until such time as <span class="sc">Frederick A. +Milbank</span> shall show them the sort of gun <i>he</i> is, and then they'll be +sorry for not having taken warning earlier, unless they possess the +sagacity of the grouse of Wimmergill, which resembles that of <i>Mr. +Jingle's</i> dog, who read the inscription on the board, "Gamekeeper has +orders to shoot all dogs found in this inclosure," and "wouldn't pass +it." "Singular circumstance that," said <i>Mr. Pickwick</i>. "Will +you allow me to make a note of it?"</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>THE MODERN BUYER:</h2> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Growls of Modern "Masters."</span></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Royal Academy, Burlington House, May 3, 1895.</i></p> + +<div class="poem width27"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The "Old Masters" over, the New make a start.</p> +<p class="i2">Another year's past and another year's come;</p> +<p>And Fame blows a blast on her trumpet, and Art</p> +<p class="i12">Beats her drum!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Walk Up!!" An example is set by the Court;</p> +<p class="i2">And Society hastens—a feverish throng;</p> +<p>A mere glance at the pictures, for life is but short—</p> +<p class="i12">And Art's long!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Three artists looked on with a cynical smile—</p> +<p class="i2">One needy Outsider, and two rich R.A.'s</p> +<p>(Both walking on velvet, because of the pile</p> +<p class="i12">They could raise).</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>They discussed the "Art Patron"—in all of that crowd</p> +<p class="i2">An <i>avis</i> that's <i>rara</i> and <i>rara</i> each year.</p> +<p>And these are the words that they spoke, and allowed</p> +<p class="i12">Me to hear:—</p> + </div> </div> + +<p class="center"><i>First R.A.</i></p> + +<div class="poem width27"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Now, to none do I yield in my love of <span class="sc">Vandyck</span>—</p> +<p class="i2">I adore the Italians—bow down to the Dutch;</p> +<p><span class="sc">Velasquez</span> I worship, and <span class="sc">Goya</span> I like</p> +<p class="i12">Very much.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"But alas! for the <span class="sc">Sheepshanks</span> and <span class="sc">Vernons</span> of old—</p> +<p class="i2">For the <span class="sc">Hills</span> and the rest of a connoisseur race!</p> +<p>Old <span class="sc">Mecænas</span> has gone; and investors of gold</p> +<p class="i12">Take his place."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p class="center"><i>Second R.A.</i></p> + +<div class="poem width27"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"'Old Masters' they buy—any ancient design—</p> +<p class="i2">Eighteen-thirty or so is the latest they'll own;</p> +<p>None but 'made reputations'—no work, howe'er fine,</p> +<p class="i12">If unknown."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p class="center"><i>Outsider.</i></p> + +<div class="poem width27"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Their Art's in their bankers'-books, not in their eyes</p> +<p class="i2">To encourage the artist is none of their plan;</p> +<p>They seek an investment that's likely to rise—</p> +<p class="i12">To a man.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Do they think that fine art nowhere else can be seen</p> +<p class="i2">But in saint that is squint-eyed, or boor that is drunk,</p> +<p>In brown tree, Dutch canal, man with ruff, or the lean</p> +<p class="i12">Spanish monk?"</p> + </div> </div> + +<p class="center"><i>Second R.A.</i></p> + +<div class="poem width27"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Just reflect to what artists of old had been brought</p> +<p class="i2">(Such as <span class="sc">Reynolds</span>, or <span class="sc">Raphael</span>, or <span class="sc">Phidias</span> the Greek)</p> +<p>Had their patrons informed them they meant to buy nought</p> +<p class="i12">But antique!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<p class="center"><i>Outsider.</i></p> + +<div class="poem width27"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Then, <i>our</i> drawing is better—our atmosphere too.</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Plein air</i> was ignored, or they voted it vice.</p> +<p>As to '<i>values</i>,' 'twas little they thought of or knew—</p> +<p class="i12">Save of price."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p class="center"><i>First R.A.</i></p> + +<div class="poem width27"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"When men buy modern art, they buy Leightons and Moores</p> +<p class="i2">And Sargents and Swans and the rest of our lot;</p> +<p>But as to their <i>knowledge</i>—like mine or like yours—</p> +<p class="i12">Tommy rot!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<p class="center"><i>Second R.A.</i></p> + +<div class="poem width27"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Do you think they appreciate <span class="sc">Lewis's</span> skies—</p> +<p class="i2">Do they care if they're worked up in stipple or wash?</p> +<p>Do you think it's the <i>Art</i> (not the money) they prize?</p> +<p class="i12">Simply bosh!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<p class="center"><i>Outsider.</i></p> + +<div class="poem width27"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"No. They judge not by Art—they judge only by fame;</p> +<p class="i2">And the artist may starve on his poor pallet-bed;</p> +<p>But their hundreds and thousands they shower on his name</p> +<p class="i12">When he's dead!—</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"When the two Greatest Masters—Old Varnish and Time—</p> +<p class="i2">To his work superficial beauties have lent,</p> +<p>Lo behold, they appreciate! Be it so. <i>I'm</i></p> +<p class="i12">Quite content."</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page214" id="page214"></a>[pg 214]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/214-1500.png"><img src="images/214-600.png" width="600" height="433" alt="'1895.' THE ROYAL ACADEMY FIELD DAY." /></a> +<h2 class="sans">"1895." THE ROYAL ACADEMY FIELD DAY.</h2></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page215" id="page215"></a>[pg 215]</span></p> + +<h2>A FRIEND AT A PINCH.</h2> + +<p class="title1">(<i>An Utterly Impossible Incident that will never be "Reported."</i>)</p> + +<blockquote><p><span class="sc">Scene</span>—<i>A Court of Law. Experienced Counsel arguing +a point in the teeth of his Lordship on the Bench.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>His Lordship</i> (<i>angrily</i>). No, Mr. <span class="sc">Bands</span>, I really cannot +agree with you. It seems to me that you are merely +wasting our time, and no doubt your own.</p> + +<p><i>Experienced Counsel</i> (<i>politely</i>). Not at all, my Lord. +I scarcely venture to urge the great importance of the +matter to my client.</p> + +<p><i>His Lordship.</i> No doubt; and your client showed +excellent judgment in entrusting his interests to your +hands. Still law is law, and can never be anything else.</p> + +<p><i>Exp. C.</i> Your Lordship is most kind. But my point, +my Lord, is so plain—the matter is so clear. Surely your +Lordship must see it.</p> + +<p><i>His Lordship</i> (<i>with much irony</i>). It is my fault, no +doubt, Mr. <span class="sc">Bands</span>, but as matter of fact your point is +absolutely lost to me. I confess I cannot see it at all.</p> + +<p><i>Exp. C.</i> I would not propose for a moment that your +Lordship's judgment is at fault. But I would venture to +suggest that the atmosphere of the Court is sufficiently +dense to cloud the clearest and most brilliant intellect.</p> + +<p><i>His Lordship</i> (<i>mollified</i>). There is a good deal in what +you say, Mr. <span class="sc">Bands</span>, but of course, we must put up with +it. There is no remedy.</p> + +<p><i>Exp. C.</i> With every possible respect to the Bench, my +Lord, I would humbly suggest that there is a remedy.</p> + +<p><i>His Lordship.</i> Can you quote a case?</p> + +<p><i>Exp. C.</i> I can, at any rate, refer to an opinion.</p> + +<p><i>His Lordship.</i> Has it been reported?</p> + +<p><i>Exp. C.</i> Certainly, my Lord. You will find it in the +Reports of the Hardwicke Society. Lord Chief Justice +<span class="sc">Russell of Killowen</span> has laid it down that snuff is a +most valuable assistance to the proper dispensation of +justice. His Lordship has declared that the inhaling of +prepared tobacco through the nostrils "clears the judicial +brain, predisposes it to calmness and impartiality, +and enables a learned judge to listen with patience to the +most fluent and prolific of forensic orators." If your +Lordship pleases.</p> + +<blockquote><p> +[<i>Offers snuff-box to the Judge.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>His Lordship</i> (<i>after taking a pinch</i>). Well, certainly +the point you have raised seems clearer to me than it did. +(<i>After a few moments of consideration.</i>) I will reserve +the case for further consideration, and will deliver judgment +later.</p> + +<p><i>Exp. C.</i> As your Lordship pleases. I will ask the +usher to hand my authorities to your Lordship.</p> + +<p><i>His Lordship</i> (<i>receiving snuff-box</i>). You are very +good. I will not overlook their assistance in coming to a +conclusion. I hope the occasion may never arise when I +might be compelled, as the vulgar tongue expresses it, to +"give you snuff."</p> + +<blockquote><p> +[<i>Scene closes upon mutual courtesies.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 385px;"><a href="images/215-1000.png"><img src="images/215-350.png" width="350" height="491" alt="'Oh, I'm glad you've got a Piano in the Rooms!'" /></a> +<p>"<span class="sc">Oh, I'm glad you've got a Piano in the Rooms! What is it?—a Broadwood?</span>"</p> + +<p class="rindent">"<span class="sc">No, Mum. Myogh'ny!</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2 class="sans">ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<p class="title1">EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</p> + +<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, April 22.</i>—Easter holidays over; +school back; new master in charge; process of installation a little +lacking in pomp and circumstance. This due in large measure to +incidence of holiday. At Westminster, as at other schools, boys +don't insist, <i>vi et armis</i>, on returning on the opening day. Wide +gaps on most of the benches; Front Opposition Bench a wilderness. +<span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> and all his merrie men abstained from lending to +installation of new Speaker the grace and comfort of their presence.</p> + +<p>"It is quite true, dear boy," <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> said, when I gently +hinted that the Leader of Opposition should have been present on +such occasion, "that when our man was defeated I said, Mr. <span class="sc">William +Court Gully</span> having been elected by a majority of the House, is +representative of the whole House. But it's a long name, you know, +and in ordinary practice I must stop short at <span class="sc">William</span>. You can't +expect me to <span class="sc">Court Gully</span>."</p> + +<p>Amid depressing circumstances as far as attendance went, new +Speaker bore himself faultlessly. Quick-change process watched +with breathless interest from Ladies' Gallery. First, Speaker-Elect, +preceded by Mace, entered, attired in Court dress with close-fitting +bob-wig. At summons of Black Rod, proceeded to House of Lords; +placed at Bar in custody of Black Rod and Sergeant-at-Arms; not +even "accommodated with a chair." There to receive <span class="sc">Her Majesty's</span> +sanction of choice of Speaker made by Commons. Happened that +the <span class="sc">Queen</span> couldn't come. One of the cloaked and wigged figures +on Woolsack mentioned the matter in charmingly casual way.</p> + +<p>"It not being convenient for <span class="sc">Her Majesty</span> to be personally +present at this time," said a voice which bewrayed the <span class="sc">Lord Chancellor</span>, +"a Commission has been issued under the Grand Seal +empowering the Lords named therein to convey Royal Assent to +Commons' selection of Speaker."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Lord Chancellor</span> quite friendly with Speaker-Elect, whom he +familiarly addressed as "Mr. <span class="sc">Gully</span>." Spoke highly of his talents, +diligence, and sufficiency to fulfil important duties to which it +had pleased majority of Commons to call him. Said he had made +it all right with the <span class="sc">Queen</span>, and that <span class="sc">William Court</span> might go +back +to Commons, and get about his business. <span class="sc">Speaker</span>, not to be outdone +in geniality, begged his anonymous friend, one of five muffled +up in scarlet gowns, in the event of any mess being made with +matters in the other House, to impute the blame to him alone, and +let the other fellows go scot-free.</p> + +<p>Amongst crowd of Commoners clustered behind <span class="sc">Speaker</span> there +was scarcely a dry eye when this noble sentiment was uttered.</p> + +<p>"Solong!" said the voice that was certainly the <span class="sc">Lord Chancellor's</span>. +Taking this as hint to retire, <span class="sc">Speaker</span> withdrew from the Bar, and +left the House "Without a stain on his character," as the Earl of +<span class="sc">Cork</span> and <span class="sc">Orrery</span> handsomely said. Returned to Commons in +procession, +with Mace lightly but firmly carried by Sergeant-at-Arms. +Instead of taking Chair, marched round by passage to the rear, +disappeared from view. Consternation in Strangers' Gallery.</p> + +<p>"He's bolted!" one gentleman whispered to his neighbour. +"Funked it when the music stopped and he came to the hosses."</p> + +<p>After few moments of growing uneasiness, a fine figure, in full-bottomed +wig, silken gown, beneath which silver-buckled shoes +shimmered, emerged from behind <span class="sc">Speaker's</span> Chair, and seated itself +in it. "Order! Order!" said a full, pleasant voice; and <span class="sc">William +Court Gully</span> entered upon what promises to be a prosperous and +distinguished career.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page216" id="page216"></a>[pg 216]</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">Sark</span> tells me that, on going into Committee +of Supply, he intends to move that +henceforward the gallery over the Clock +facing the Chair shall be called "The +Speaker's Gullery." <span class="sc">Sark</span> always thinks +of the right thing at the right time.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—New Speaker installed.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—The Order by which Ministers +took Tuesdays having lapsed, private +Members to-night came into their own +again. Always stoutly resist incursion of +greedy Governments on their small possessions. +Might reasonably be supposed +that, having come into their inheritance, +would have made most of it. Lots of +things to do to-night. Several resolutions +on paper, with Orders of Day to follow. +What happened was that by a quarter to +nine enthusiasm finally evaporated; count +called; only thirty-seven Members responded; +lights forthwith put out.</p> + +<p>Opening debate on Charity Commission +certainly a little heavy. Every Member +who got his chance felt it incumbent on +him to speak for at least half an hour. +Some considerably exceeded this limit.</p> + +<p>"<i>Parturiunt montes</i>," said <span class="sc">Herbert +Maxwell</span>, wearily looking round as +<span class="sc">Griffith-Boscawen</span> followed <span class="sc">John +Ellis</span> and <span class="sc">Jesse Collings</span> succeeded +<span class="sc">Francis Stevenson</span>; "<i>nascitur ridiculus +mus</i>."</p> + +<p>And so it was. Particular mountain +at work when the mouse appeared was +<span class="sc">J. W. Lowther</span>. Mouse entered from +behind <span class="sc">Speaker's</span> Chair; leisurely proceeded +along passage between Front Opposition +Bench and table at which J. W. was +speaking disrespectfully of <span class="sc">Jesse Collings</span>. +Halted by <span class="sc">Prince Arthur's</span> empty seat; +nibbled fibre of matting in remonstrance at his absence; passed +round fearlessly by J. W.'s heels; sat for moment in full view of +House listening attentively to J. W.'s argument; yawned and +sauntered back the way it came. Interest in debate evidently keener +than that of average Member. As soon as <span class="sc">Acland's</span> voice reverberated +through almost empty Chamber, mouse observed strolling +back along familiar way; took its seat on floor under shadow of Mace +in defiance of all Parliamentary rule; followed <span class="sc">Acland's</span> argument +with evidently keen interest. Interrupted by approach of <span class="sc">Richard +Temple</span>. Quickly looking up and catching sight of his stately figure +bowing to <span class="sc">Speaker</span>, mouse fled like the wind, in its terror making off +by Treasury Bench, finally escaping by another exit.</p> + +<p>"<i>Cogitato</i>" said <span class="sc">Herbert Maxwell</span>, who breakfasts every +morning off a plate of porridge and a page of <span class="sc">Plautus</span>,—</p> + +<div class="poem width21"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Cogitato, mus pusillus quam sit sapiens bestia,</p> +<p>Ætatem qui uni cubili nunquam committit suam."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Pension of £4,000 a year voted to <span class="sc">Arthur +Wellesley Peel</span>, late Speaker.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 280px;"><a href="images/216-700.png"><img src="images/216-280.png" width="280" height="468" alt="Fancy Picture of Sir Thomas Esmonde bringing forward" /></a> +<p class="center">Fancy Picture of Sir Thomas Esmonde bringing forward +Queen "Lily o' Killarney" Hawaii.</p></div> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—All very well for gay young +Irish baronet like <span class="sc">Esmonde</span> to champion +cause of errant Queens throned in summer +seas. Expected other things from <span class="sc">The +MacGregor</span>. House quite shocked when +he interposed just now. <span class="sc">Esmonde</span> asked +<span class="sc">Edward Grey</span> whether Government could +do anything to obtain proper treatment for +Queen of Hawaii. Before Under Secretary +could reply, <span class="sc">The MacGregor</span>, suddenly +leaping across dyke as it were, interposed. +"As I happen to know the lady +who was formerly Queen of Hawaii," said +<span class="sc">The MacGregor</span>, and so proceeded to +back up <span class="sc">Esmonde's</span> plea. Offhand way +in which reference was made suggested +illimitable possibilities, <span class="sc">The MacGregor</span> +just "happened to know" this Queen, +probably one of a bevy. On some quiet +night House might hope to hear paper +read by <span class="sc">The MacGregor</span> on "Queens I +Have Known."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Sark</span> curiously anxious as to where the +acquaintance was made, and how it was +nurtured. Did <span class="sc">The MacGregor</span> vaccinate +Her Majesty whilst he, still in public +capacity, sojourned at Penrith? Was she +an inmate of Peebles Hydropathic Institute +what time he was resident physician? +or did he minister to her at the Barnhill +Hospital and Asylum, Glasgow, of which, +before he took to Imperial politics, he was +superintendent? Pleasanter still to think +of <span class="sc">The MacGregor</span> and the Queen with +the musical name wandering hand in hand +amid the orange groves of sea-girt Hawaii, +breakfasting on the bountiful bread-fruit, +lunching off the succulent yam. Did he +in those days call her so much as <span class="sc">Liliuokalani</span>? +or did he venture on the diminutive +<span class="sc">Lili</span>? <span class="sc">Sark</span> had better give +notice of these questions. <i>Business done.</i>—Fresh Ministerial Bills +brought in with both hands.</p> + +<p><i>Friday.</i>—Another private Members' night, and, by consequence, +another count out. Things kept going till a quarter to eight, but +only with utmost difficulty. Members consented to stay in prospect +of division on <span class="sc">Albert Rollit's</span> motion protesting against exemption +of Government property from rating. But they would not longer +linger. When <span class="sc">Lubbock</span> followed, with proposal of pleasant chat +about London's share of imperial contribution to local purposes, the +few remaining Members, vainly trying to look as if they'd be "back +in ten minutes," walked out. House counted; only twenty-five +present, and so home to dinner.</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes," said <span class="sc">Walter Long</span>, left in charge of Front Opposition +Bench, "but this won't prevent us on Monday, when <span class="sc">Squire of +Malwood</span> proposes to take Tuesday and Friday mornings for public +business, stubbornly resisting piratical incursion on the rights of +private Members. Whatever we are, let us be logical."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Ministerial defeat on <span class="sc">Rollit's</span> amendment averted +by majority of one.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>THE BATTLE OF EASTBOURNE.</h3> + +<div class="poem width18"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Natis in usum lætitiæ rosis</p> +<p>Pugnare Eastbourni est.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i8"><span class="sc">Horace</span> (<i>slightly emended</i>).</p> + </div> </div> + +<p class="ind1">It is not the English nature, but the English climate that makes +us take our pleasures sadly (if we do, which we don't). And it is not +the fault of the English nature, but of the organisers, if our public +pageants are usually, like our statues, more or less good-humoured +burlesques of what they are meant to represent. Now Eastbourne has +triumphantly shown that, in spite of chilling and heavy rain, England +can rival the sunny South in the beauty and variety of a big procession +of floral cars. And if Eastbourne can do this, why can it not +be done elsewhere? "Organise, organise, organise," and let the +hireling merrymaker be conspicuously absent. Your hireling will +still wear his armour as if he were bearing the <i>spolia opima</i> of a +burgled marine-store dealer. And the lady hireling, as a sea-nymph +or a shepherdess, can never quite forget what she owes to her dignity +as a respectable married woman. In the interests of the family exchequer, +and in the way of business, she may consent to dally with +allegory, but her heart is not in the mermaid's grot, nor do the +spacious times of Great <span class="sc">Elizabeth</span> inspire her, beyond the Victorian +circus-smile, the circus-smile which puts a girdle round about the +face for forty minutes, or more if the procession be so long a-field. +At the Eastbourne Battle of Flowers everyone lived up to his or her +coach, carriage, wheel-barrow or cart, in a way which speaks +volumes for the artistic sense of the South Saxons. The children, as +children use, took the cake—after Mr. <span class="sc">Edgar Bruce</span>. They were +there in great numbers and variety, from the little <i>Titania</i> in her +fairy goat-chaise, o'er canopied with flowers and flying doves, to the +very small skipper of the very realistic ship, who stood on the rainy +deck with drawn sword and unswerving dignity for some two hours +of constant and crowded parading. "Bravo, <span class="sc">Burnaby</span>," is the resultant +cry of gratified spectators, and better weather next time. A +better show it would be ungrateful to suggest.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>Umra Khan's Consigne.</h3> + +<div class="poem width21"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>When headstrong chieftains say "I shan't,"</p> +<p class="i2">Or do the things they're bidden not to,</p> +<p>Like <span class="sc">Umra Khan</span> (now <span class="sc">Umra</span> can't),</p> +<p class="i2">They'll find "<i>non possumus</i>" their motto.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Agricultural Prospects.</span>—The Kent farmers are looking forward +to a hoppy future. "What's the odds" to <i>them</i> "as long as they're +hoppy?"</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="center">"<span class="sc">A 'Felt' Want.</span>"—A comfortable <i>and</i> respectable-looking +billycock hat.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="tn"> +<h4>Transcriber's Note</h4> + +<p>Sundry damaged or missing punctuation has been repaired.</p> + +<p>Page 205: 'thorougfares' corrected to 'thoroughfares'</p> + +<p class="ind">"The route, which ran chiefly through main thoroughfares,..."</p> + +<p>Page 208: 'preson' corrected to 'person'</p> + +<p class="ind">"If a person came to you and said that, what reply would you give him?"</p> + +<p>Page 208: 'ongues' corrected to 'tongues'</p> + +<p class="ind">"But our tongues shall laud, whilst those tongues can wag,..."</p> + +<p>Page 209: 'isplaye' corrected to 'displayed'</p> + +<p class="ind">"More charms displayed in form and feature."</p> + +<p>Page 209: 'break', possibly (Oxford English Dictionary), break<sup>3</sup> - n. +Carriage-frame +with no body, for breaking in young horses; large wagonette.</p> +<p>Seems correct in context:</p> + +<p class="ind">"Seems that break went wrong going down-hill. +Well, no "safety tandem" for <i>me</i> again—can't <i>stand +'em</i>, myself, not being in favour of infanticide. Give +<i>me</i> a good old mail cart!"<br /><br /></p> +</div> +<hr /> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +108, May 4th, 1895, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 108, MAY 4TH, 1895 *** + +***** This file should be named 44759-h.htm or 44759-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/7/5/44759/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, May 4th, 1895 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: January 26, 2014 [EBook #44759] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 108, MAY 4TH, 1895 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +Volume 108, May 4th, 1895. + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + + + +MAY DAY. + +(_Strictly according to Precedent._) + + Open the windows, salute the day; + Welcome, welcome the First of May. + Everything's changed, or ought to be, + Buds are bursting on hedge and tree. + Sweet winds breathe from the West or South + Soft as a kiss from a maiden's mouth. + Everything speaks of warmth and love, + Bright is the sun in the blue above. + Out in the woods, I know. I know, + Fur and feather are all aglow. + Downy rabbits with jewel eyes + Dart about in a wild surprise. + Yellow-billed blackbird, speckled thrush, + Pour their notes in a tuneful gush. + And all the neat little boys and girls, + With clean fresh faces and hair in curls, + Sing in a chorus, "Hurray, hurray! + April's gone, it's the First of May!" + + * * * + + That's how I dreamt my May-day dream; + But things are not what they ought to seem. + For the wind--why, bless me, the wind is East, + And the birds don't warble or chirp the least. + The whole of the sky is wrapped in gloom. + And fires are lighting in every room. + And I shiver and sneeze and spend my day + In a winter-suit on the First of May. + + * * * * * + +AUK'D ABOUT.--The skin of a Great Auk was put up for sale last week, +but the reserved price was not reached. Evidently it was of bad omen +that it should have been put up at an "Auk-shun." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW BOY! + +"LOOK, FATHER, THIS IS YOUR NEW OVERCOAT." + +"BY GEORGE, IT FITS YOU CAPITALLY!" + +"YES, DOESN'T IT! YOU WILL NOW BE ABLE TO WEAR _MY_ OLD CLOTHES!"] + + * * * * * + +DRAMATIC FAMILY LIKENESS. + +For the plot of _The Passport_, recently produced with a fair amount +of success at Terry's Theatre, the authors admit their indebtedness +to Colonel SAVAGE'S novel, _My Official Wife_. Oddly enough, this plot +bears a considerable resemblance to that of _The Orient Express_, a +piece "made in Germany," of which the English adaptation was produced +here, at Daly's, during his season. In this piece, _i.e._, _The Orient +Express_, a gentleman has tourist tickets for himself and wife; but +his wife, after disposing of her ticket to a professional _cicerone_, +returns to England alone, while her husband, travelling on business, +continues his journey. The _cicerone_ has sold the ticket cheap to a +lady, who is therefore compelled to travel under the name inscribed on +the ticket, and finds herself in the same carriage with the gentleman +who has the corresponding ticket, and the ticket-collector, seeing +the same names, hands back both tickets to the gentleman, and tries +to keep the carriage strictly reserved for them all the way, in +which attempt he fails, and hence arise, on their return to England, +complications analogous to those of _The Passport_. Was the novel of +_My Official Wife_ written before the German farcical play, or is it +only a family likeness? + + * * * * * + +"IL IRA LOIN."--Dr. FARRAR, now Chaplain to the SPEAKER, has been made +Dean of Canterbury. From the Deanery to a Bishopric is but a step. +He has gone Far, will go FARRAR and fare better ... and then ... +FARRAR-well to all his greatness! + + * * * * * + +STRIKES A LA MODE DE PARIS. + +(_From the Diary of a Pleasure-seeker of the Future._) + +ROSE early, intending to have a real good time of it, in spite of the +recent disturbances. As a precautionary measure, wore my bullet-proof +coat and shell-defying boots. Carried also my armour-plated umbrella, +which can be used (on emergencies) as a shield to quick-firing guns. +Looked out of window, and found the weather splendid. Firing, too +(which I had heard every now and again during the night), seemingly +all but ceased. + +On reaching the street, representative of the Civil Power cautioned me +to be careful. Thanked the representative for his courtesy, and asked +why a squadron of hussars were trotting past with drawn sabres. Was +told that the soldiers were engaged in the protection of a sweep +journeying to his work in a donkey-cart. + +Started for a stroll, but had to seek shelter in a doorway from a +volley of bullets fired in the direction of the early milkman. From +this demonstration I gathered that the food supply would be still +further restricted owing to the action of the men on strike. After +the purveyor had beaten a hasty retreat, advanced upon a +strongly-fortified position, which turned out to be, as I expected it +would, a doubly-entrenched cab-stand. + +Only one vehicle on the rank. Engaged the cabman. Although I was +unaccompanied by a relative or friend, found the space at my disposal +distinctly limited. The top of the four-wheeler was, of course, +occupied by the customary rocket party. The box had its usual sentry, +carrying a couple of revolvers and a search-light. Three of the seats +inside were occupied by sharpshooters, and I retained the fourth. + +"We had better make for the river," said the officer in command, and +we fell in with the suggestion. + +Our progress was comparatively uneventful. Certainly at the corners +of streets we had to run the gauntlet of a shower of projectiles of +various dimensions; still, the armour-plated sides of the cab turned +aside the flood of iron, and the custodians, by lying flat as occasion +required, escaped without injury. Leaving the steel-protected cab, I +embarked on board an armoured penny steamboat, and made my way down +the river. Fortunately, the helmsman was able to avoid the submarine +mines which had been laid by the Chairman of the Strike Committee. Our +voyage was also rendered exciting by the torpedoes. + +Having reached the last pier, I returned to land, and was sufficiently +fortunate to catch an omnibus about to start on its exciting campaign. +The route, which ran chiefly through main thoroughfares, extended to +the length of four miles. Thanks to the exertions of all arms of the +service, the distance was traversed in about three hours. Every inch +of the ground was hotly contested, but the omnibus at length won +the day. The losses on our side consisted of a colonel killed, and +seventy-four rank-and-file wounded. The casualties on the side of the +strikers were infinitely more numerous. + +On reaching my destination, I made for home in a balloon, thus +escaping any further molestation. + + * * * * * + +PRESENTED AT COURT. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I notice that "an original dramatic caricature" is +being played at the Court Theatre, under the title of _Vanity Fair_. +To prevent mistakes, I write to say at once that I am on the eve of +constructing a three-volume novel, called _Hamlet, Prince of Denmark_; +a poem, called _Box and Cox_; and a satire, called _Macaulay's History +of England_. I merely mention this fact to protect my copyright in the +names I have chosen for my new works. I have also in contemplation the +writing of a book to be entitled _Adam Bede_, a novelette, to be +known as _King Solomon's Mines_, and a story to be y'clept _Treasure +Island_. May I add that I have also some pantomimes and +eccentric ballets nearly ready that will be christened, when +completed,--_Esmond_, _The Virginians_, _The Newcomes_, _Philip_, and +last, but not least, _Pendennis_. + + Yours truly, NOTHING IF NOT ORIGINAL. + +P.S.--I am thinking of adopting as a _nom de plume_ the signature of +"WILLIAM MAKEPEACE THACKERAY." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HIS FAVOURITE SUBJECT. + +_Imperial Artist._ "WISH I COULD HAVE GOT IT DONE IN TIME FOR THE +ROYAL ACADEMY. SURE TO HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED." + +[*** The Emperor of GERMANY has recently painted a sea-piece.]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: 1886. + +1896.] + + * * * * * + +HIS FAVOURITE SUBJECT. + +_Distinguished Amateur soliloquiseth:_-- + + _There!!!_ Egotistic ways are my abhorrence; + But if this masterpiece were only hung + In the Uffizi Gallery at Florence, + Where LEIGHTON, like a god, ambrosial, young, + And MILLAIS, in immortal manhood, stand, + Self-limned, for admiration of posterity, + I fancy that this work of my right hand + Would quite eclipse mere Genius, whose temerity + In challenging comparison with BIRTH + Is really getting something unendurable. + Aha! It moves me to sardonic mirth! + To dream of _my_ position as securable + By mere Bismarckian brain!!! Now, as the god, + _I_ come out admirably. Form and stature, + The threatening eye, and the earth-shaking nod, + All, all to me are simply second nature. + Globe-trampling foot, and hand that grips the bolt,-- + Aye, and the lyre when I would play Apollo-- + Are mine! Will low-born Genius dare revolt, + Or where _I_ lead Greatness decline to follow? + Absurd! I hardly know in what great guise + To paint my greatness! I have sung of AEgir, + But he was but a sea-god, and his size + And strength compared with mine were small and meagre. + I am a Joint-stock Deity, as 'twere, + Olympus in a nutshell, Neptune, Mars, + The Cloud-Compeller and the Sungod fair. + Here I'm pure Jove. And yet somehow it jars + Upon my spirit to be so restricted + To one immortal guise, however grand. + Hah! Gods by their own pencils thus depicted + Would make a New Valhalla e'en _my_ hand + Need not disdain to add to. If Narcissus + Had been a painter, now! There is no stream, + Though clear as my own Rhine or the Ilissus, + Could do me justice. I must _paint_ my dream + Of my Supernal Self. A mere reflection + From Nature's mirror would but mar my beauty. + No; I must limn myself for the inspection + Of men and gods; it is a simple duty. + _This_ does not satisfy me. And it is + Too late, I fear, for Grandmamma's R.A. + Besides, those English journalists _might_ quiz + Even Imperial Art. They've their own way + Too much by far in that ill-ordered isle, + Those cheeky critic-fellows. Let _me_ catch + A Teuton quill-driver who'll dare to smile + Upon a masterpiece he cannot match!!! + + [_Left touching it up._ + + * * * * * + +LITERARY. + +A book is announced entitled _Irish Humour through English Glasses_. +It will be followed, we hope, by a companion volume, entitled _English +(ill) Humour through Irish (Whisky) Glasses_. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Messrs. BLACKWOOD are issuing a standard edition of the works of +GEORGE ELIOT. _Adam Bede_, of course, comes first, admirably printed +in dainty volumes of blue and gold. Glancing over the work brings back +to the memory of my Baronite a certain schoolboy who, instead of going +home to dinner, used to spend the interval in the reading-room of a +free library, literally dining off _Adam Bede_, then just out. It +will be interesting to observe how far the public of to-day, more +especially the young men and maidens who read novels, will take to +GEORGE ELIOT. In this new standard edition opportunity, alike in +respect of charm and cheapness, is made alluring. + +_The Curse of Intellect_ is an unattractive title, suggestive rather +of a series of essays on the melancholy lives of certain geniuses +than of the weird tale--for such it is--of a Man-Monkey. This story, +published by Messrs. BLACKWOOD, and written by MACHIAVELLI COLIN +CLOUT, is a modern version of _Frankenstein_, the distinction being +that, whereas _Frankenstein_ constructed his own monster, the hero of +this romance, one _Reuben Power_, finds a monster ready to hand in a +kind of "Mr. Gorilla," whom he educates to speak a strange language, +also to read, write, and think in excellent English. This Converted +Ape kills his maker, and then considerately puts an end to his +own miserable existence; he does not, however, possess a soul +(_Frankenstein's_ Monster was also deficient in this respect). "For +O it is such a 'norrible tale;" and, except to those who occasionally +enjoy "a 'norrible tale," this cannot be recommended by + + THE BARON DE B.-W. + + * * * * * + +BLIND ALLEY-GORIES. + +BY DUNNO WAeHRIAR. + +(_Translated from the original Lappish by Mr. Punch's own Hyperborean +Enthusiast._) + +NO. III.--A SOCRATIC EXPERIMENT. + +The other day I went out for a walk. My thoughts circled round my head +like bees in a bonnet, and detached themselves slowly from the loose +white honeycomb of my brain to mirror themselves in my soul, as is +usual with me on such occasions. And, somewhere round the corner, a +voice lurked calling out remarks--what I knew not, only that they were +of a highly personal character. The people I met stared at me, and I +stared at them, for I had a presentiment that they were talking about +me, but I took no notice of them--beyond informing them that they were +cowards and blowflies, and requesting to be informed why they enclosed +their dirty interiors in glass. For I am Young GARNAWAY, and when +I take a walk, I generally exchange amenities of this kind with any +persons I happen to meet. + +At the Market Place, my friend the Tallow-chandler sat inside his +shop, dozing under a pale canopy of farthing dips. + +"Answer me a question," I begged of him. "Why does one yearn for +the top brick off the chimney when one is a child, and yet feel +dissatisfied when, as a man, one receives it on the top of one's +Sunday tile? Why does the sea bird fly inland in winter to get food +from the towns--only to turn up its beak when presented with a ticket +for soup? Why do we----?" + +[Illustration: "A clear and practical illustration."] + +My friend the Tallow-chandler answered never a word, but chuckled +foolishly to himself and retired behind a barrier of mottled soap. + +When I had gone a piece further I reached a back street, where I +found my friend the Bird-stuffer sitting on his doorstep, playing the +mouth-organ. + +"Answer me a question," I besought him. "Suppose you found out that +those who hold the reins of government in our town were educating +large blue-bottle flies to make apricot jam out of your and your +neighbours' pig-wash, would you write to the local paper about it, +even if you knew that the editor would decline to insert your letter?" + +My friend answered never a word; he only giggled in embarrassment, +struck up a mazurka on his mouth-organ, and began to dance sheepishly. + +But, down in Mud Alley, my friend the Dustcart-man sat at his open +window--a family idyll, wife and six small children, all eating onions +and fried fish. + +"Answer me a question," I prayed him. "If a person came to you and +said rudely, 'Better anything else than sitting here with your head +in the domestic halter among the potsherds and puffballs of the old +ideals; rather a jolly good row that ends in a fortnight's "hard" +than fat-headed, elephant-footed dulness here with your buzzing brood +around you!' If a person came to you and said that, what reply would +you give him?" + +My friend answered never a word; he was out of the window before I had +time to walk away; and in a very few moments I received a clear and +practical illustration of the sort of reply he would give to such a +question. + +As for me, I limped home as well as I could, and, when evening fell, +and I was done up in brown paper and vinegar, both my eyes gleamed in +the evening sun with the iridescent glitter of peacocks' tails. + + * * * * * + +"FOR THIS RELIEF, MUCH THANKS!" + + ["Fort Chitral, April 20.--Colonel KELLY'S force from Gilghit + arrived to-day.... Much sickness from bad food, excessive + work, and exposure. Conduct of troops admirable.... The + discipline, devotion, and fortitude displayed by all ranks + under circumstances which required all those qualities are + beyond all praise."--_Dr. Robertson's Summary of the Siege of + Chitral._] + + "Small time, but, in that small, most greatly liv'd + This star of England." + + _Chorus: King Henry the Fifth_, Act V., Scene 2. + + Only one more "little war,"--of course, + Precipitate pluck, and inadequate force-- + Such wars as our England wages + At terrible cost in British lives, + And orphan children and widowed wives, + Whereat, though greatly our glory thrives, + Our conscience sometimes rages. + + But such little wars may need great hearts, + And the wandering heroes who play their parts + For England, the wide world over; + Fight as well though they fight--and fall-- + In a leagured hut, by a shattered wall, + As though the purple of WELLINGTON'S pall + Each death-cold breast should cover. + + Devotion, fortitude, discipline? Yes! + They always shine in the perilous press, + Where British soldiers rally. + Shine as bright in the hopeless dark + Of the mad _melee_, though there's none to mark + The scattered wreckage ruddy and stark + Of the last brave stand or sally. + + We rejoice to hear, though we knew we should, + Chitral's defenders again made good + The glorious old tradition + Of loyalty to the flying flag. + Cynics may dub it the torn red rag, + But our tongues shall laud, whilst those tongues can wag, + That splendid "superstition." + + The men who stood, and the men who came + O'er ice-bound ridges with hearts aflame, + To relieve their leagured brothers, + Have all done well; and the tawny skin + Of those who helped us to war and win,-- + Well, your little Englander's less akin + To England than those others! + + "For this relief, much thanks!" And thanks + To dead, and living, and of all ranks. + Forget their service? Never! + "Small time," indeed, but as brightly shone + "This star of England," as it had done + On that stricken field when the lurid sun + Of the Corsican sank for ever. + + * * * * * + +A FIRST STEP + +TOWARDS HISTRIONICS. + +(_Under the guidance of Herr Goethemann._) + +_Question._ Have you witnessed the performance of the Actor-manager? + +_Answer._ No, but I have perused the tragedy of the Author-publisher. + +_Q._ Is it a curtain-raiser? + +_A._ No, but it is a hair-lifter, in three acts. + +_Q._ How many are the persons of the drama? + +_A._ Four. + +_Q._ Of these, how many are objectionable? + +_A._ Five. + +_Q._ Kindly resolve this paradox. + +_A._ All are objectionable that come on the stage, and one that +doesn't. + +_Q._ You speak of the stage; where has the play been given? + +_A._ Nowhere. It has not received a license. + +_Q._ Is it the close season? + +_A._ No, but so much private license was taken by the Author-publisher +that the public censor did not see his way to adding to the amount. + +_Q._ Then we shall not see it interpreted by intelligent actors? + +_A._ No, for even if license were granted, the Author-publisher would +take all the parts himself. + +_Q._ I do not follow this scheme of plurality. + +_A._ I quote from his own printed advertisement, "The right of +performing in public this play (_sic_) is reserved by the author." + +_Q._ Did you state that it is a tragedy? + +_A._ Yes, but inclining to farce. + +_Q._ Does it move the reader to pity and terror? + +_A._ Yes, both. Pity for himself, and terror of the next thing of the +kind that he may have to read. + +_Q._ Has it any other of the high qualities of the Greek Tragedy? + +_A._ It says it has the unities. + +_Q._ A severe attack? + +_A._ No, the Norwegian kind; a form of Teutonic measles, painful but +transitory. + +_Q._ Is it heroic? + +_A._ No, but it is suburban. + +_Q._ Is the conclusion worthy of a great tragedy? Does it end in a +lurid light of whole-souled passion and death? + +_A._ It ends about 4 A.M. the next day, with a cock crowing. The +protagonist has come home intoxicated, and remains so. I regret to +add that he pushes the heroine, she having displaced his beverage by +breaking the glass. She slaps him upon the face, and eventually loses +animation. I do not know how the other two end, because they were not +home in time for the curtain. As it was, the Author-publisher nearly +spoilt one of the unities through waiting for them. + +_Q._ All must be well that ends so well. Is there a problem or enigma? + +_A._ There is always the insoluble riddle--why did he write it? + +_Q._ Is it full of situations? + +_A._ Not inconveniently so; but there is a dramatic moment. + +_Q._ Which? + +_A._ I do not know. + +_Q._ Then why do you say there is one? + +_A._ Because the Author-publisher says so. + +_Q._ But is it not wasteful to have three acts, and only one dramatic +moment? + +_A._ I should have thought so; but the Author-publisher says he has +shown economy. + +_Q._ Could you give me an idea of the manner? Select a striking +incident or a passage where there is subtle characterisation. + +_A._ One situation impressed me very much. I think it must have been +the dramatic moment. I reserve it for my next. + + (_To be continued._) + + * * * * * + +FILIA PULCHRA, MATER PULCHRIOR. + + I loved a girl, divinely sweet, + An unsophisticated creature; + I did not scruple to repeat + She was divine, you could not meet + More charms displayed in form and feature. + + I loved her youthful grace, her slight + And dainty form, an angel's seeming. + Crowned by sweet hair, as dark as night, + Her face would charm an artist's sight, + A poet's thoughts, a lover's dreaming. + + I loved her dark and lustrous eyes, + Which love might light with glowing passion, + Her lips, her neck--you will surmise + I wrote her rhymes, all tears and sighs + In lovesick versifier's fashion. + + I loved her like a childish pet, + I felt I could not love another, + Until the day when first I met + Her widowed mother, charming yet, + And now, instead, I love her mother. + + I love the woman, for the rose, + Full blown, excels the rosebud's beauty, + Nor think of girlish charms since those + No more inspire my Muse, which shows + My Muse is fit for any duty. + + I love her, stately as a queen + Whom VERONESE might have painted, + Blue-eyed, with hair of golden sheen-- + That's just the one thing which has been + A trouble since we've been acquainted. + + I love not charms I loved before, + Dark as the night, or, say a hearse is. + Now auburn beauty pleases more, + My wasted hours I deplore-- + I've had to alter all those verses. + + * * * * * + +EPPING AND OVERSTEPPING.--At a meeting of forest borderers, Wanstead, +it was asserted that since the Corporation had had control of the +forest, upwards of 100,000 trees had been felled. If true, the members +of the Corporation-Epping-Forest-Committee will henceforth be known as +"those fellers!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ANIMAL SPIRITS." + +NO. XII.--OUTSIDE EXETER HALL.] + + * * * * * + +TO CIRCE. + + "If doughty deeds my lady please," + Though somewhat old and gouty, + The first occasion I will seize + Of doing something "doughty"; + "If gay attire delights your eye, + I'll dight me in array" + Which every casual passer-by + Will think extremely gay. + + "If sweetest sounds can win your ear," + I'll cheerfully begin + (Though somewhat late in life, I fear), + To learn the violin; + In fact, whatever task you set, + You'll speedily discover + That in the writer you have met + A most submissive lover. + + I could exemplify the fact + Through several extra verses, + How I would please, by every act, + My kindliest of CIRCE'S; + And yet by destiny malign + You've happened just to choose + The single task which, though divine + The bidder, I refuse. + + The single task--and pardon, pray, + If, not without compunction, + Reluctantly I disobey + Your positive injunction: + Ask what you will, I'll undertake + The deed, however big, + But do not----blind my eyes and make + Me try to draw a pig! + + * * * * * + +TO A PICTURE. + + You pretty face, upon my wall, + Enshrined in glass and oak and gold, + Most charming deaf-mute--and withal + My confidante--whate'er befall, + My trust in you will rest untold, + You pretty face! + + What do they call you? Is it "Spring"? + Or "Blossoms"? or "The Coming Race"?-- + It matters not in any case, + Your name may be just anything + For all I care, you pretty face. + + You bring me back old scenes anew, + You've something of my lady's grace, + Of her sweet features just a trace, + And so I have re-christened you-- + I won't say what--you pretty face! + + I have no portrait to recall + The sweetest of all maids to me, + Nor have I need of one at all, + Yet, seeing you upon my wall, + By pleasing "make-believe" I see + Her pretty face! + + * * * * * + +BABY'S DIARY. + + ["The Nursery Tricycle contains two seats, one for the + mistress and one for the maid and her charge, and has two + pairs of pedals."--_Daily Paper._] + +This is rather fun! Ever so much better than those crawling old +mail-carts and perambulators. Wonder mother and nurse never thought +of it before. A pneumatic tandem, too, I notice. Hope they understand +blowing tire up again when it bursts. + +Nurse a duffer at pedalling. A mere passenger! Have to keep her up +to the mark by crying. Frightened a pony in a trap. Sarcastic driver +said, "_You_ don't want a bell to _your_ machine with that child +yelling like a tom-cat on fire." Gives me a hint--I must see how our +cat _does_ yell when it's on fire. + +Really, I never saw such steering! Mother has just run us into a +brick wall. Disgraceful! Why wasn't she taught tricycling when she was +young? Her education has certainly been horribly neglected. + +[Illustration] + +Why should I sit in the middle, though? Can't see the country +properly. Make another protest--louder, if possible. Passing +pedestrian observes, "You should call your machine a crycycle, not +a tricycle." Put out my tongue at him. Nurse offers to give me a +"pick-a-back"; says she can pedal too! The old humbug! Scratch her +face. Mother offers me a seat on front handle. Not half bad. + +Fresh air makes one uncommonly hungry. Time for my bottle. Insist on +my outriders stopping at a public for milk. Find the pony, trap, and +sarcastic driver stopping there too. Latter says to Mother, "So you've +brought the infant phenomenon with you, Ma'am!" Wonder what he means. +He adds something about a "fog-horn." Rude, I fancy. + +Back homewards. Awfully sleepy after that milk. Curious milk. Perhaps +sarcastic person drugged it to quiet me? Fast asleep. Wakened by +crash! Stars! Oh, _what_ is it? Try to yell--can't--mouth full of +something. + +Later. In my cot, thank Heaven! Heard doctor say, "Severe shock, but +no bones broken." Awful headache. Seems that break went wrong going +down-hill. Well, no "safety tandem" for _me_ again--can't _stand 'em_, +myself, not being in favour of infanticide. Give _me_ a good old mail +cart! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FELINE AMENITIES. + +_Miss Tregushing._ "OH YES! THERE ARE SUCH _LOVELY_ SEAS AND SKIES +IN CORNWALL, AND SUCH ROCKS AND CAVES--AND SEALS--AND THE _MOST_ +MAGNIFICENT WILD WAVES YOU EVER SAW--AND----" + +_Mrs. Frou-Frou._ "BUT NO DRESS-MAKERS, I SUPPOSE!"] + + * * * * * + +JOHN STANDS ALOOF. + +(SHIMONOSEKI, 1895.) + + ["Circumstances might arise, of course, in which we should + feel called upon to safeguard our interests, but so far we + discern no adequate ground for interference."--_The "Times" + on the Joint Protest of Russia, France and Germany against the + annexation portion of the Treaty of Shimonoseki._] + + AIR--"_The Heathen Chinee._" + + JOHN BULL _sings:_-- + + I stand by, and I mark, + And I see some things plain; + And the looks that are dark + At the JAP'S game, and gain, + From that Heathen Chinee, are peculiar; + But aloof _I_'m content to remain! + + AH SIN at the game + Thought him chipper and spry; + But he's "spoofed" all the same-- + (Whatsome'er _that_ imply)-- + And his smile is less pensive and childlike + Than when he once played with BILL NYE. + + Little JAP _looked_ absurd-- + As regarding mere size-- + And some people inferred + He was feeble likewise; + Yet he's played it this time upon JOHNNY + In a way it's scarce safe to despise. + + In the saffron pair's game + I did not take a hand. + Some conceived that the same + JAP did not understand; + But his grin somehow soon turned the tables + On "the smile that was childlike and bland." + + 'Tis a theme for BRET HARTE, + P'raps he only could show + The artful JAP'S art-- + If I may put it so-- + In a way which is worthy the subject. + But _me_ interfere, gents? Why, no! + + If JAP'S cards had been stocked-- + Which I do not believe-- + Had our feelings been shocked + By the state of JAP'S sleeve; + We might have had reason for charging + The same with intent to deceive. + + But the hands he has played + With that Heathen Chinee, + And the points he has made, + Are, as far as I see, + The result of good play _plus_ good fortune; + And _does_ it concern you or me? + + The Russ standing by + Turned his glance upon me. + (For the JAP'S pile _was_ high.) + And he hissed, "Shall this be? + Must I have this smart JAP for a neighbour? + Shall _he_ clear out the Heathen Chinee?" + + Swarthy FRANCOIS looked glum, + Ginger HANS rubbed his chin: + But I smoked and stood mum, + As the JAP raked the tin. + Then I says, "He's played fairly and squarely. + So what call have _we_ to cut in? + + "In the game, as you know, + You would not take a hand, + But a short while ago; + So let JAPPY now land + The stakes, and AH SIN take his hiding + At the game his foe _does_ understand. + + "JOHNNY thought himself strong + At that game; but the facts + Seem to prove he was wrong; + And unwisely he acts + In howling at getting in warfare + What's frequent in warfare--that's whacks! + + "Which is why I remark, + And my purpose is plain, + That looks that are dark + At the JAPPY are vain. + And, although you may think me peculiar, + Aloof--for the time--I remain!" + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING IN THE WAY OF "GREAT EXPECTATIONS."--When JABEZ S. BALFOUR +arrives, no doubt his first visit will be to the editor of the _Penny +Illustrated Paper_, in which paper appeared the portrait of him +as "Mayor of CROYDON," wearing his chain of office--alas! the +chain!--that led directly to his identification and arrest. The +photograph was taken first and JABEZ was taken afterwards. Will JABEZ +S. BALFOUR call in at the office of the _P. I. P._ and say, with _Joe +Gargery_, "Ever the best of friends, ain't us, _P. I. P._?" Not quite +likely. + + * * * * * + +PROPOSED CHANGE OF NAME.--If Sir WHITTAKER ELLIS agrees to the scheme +for adding Bute House Estate--a Bute-iful property--to Richmond Park, +thus preserving it from the builders, then will he be gratefully +remembered as "WISEACRE ELLIS." + + * * * * * + +"BAR GOLD."--Fees to barristers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JOHN STANDS ALOOF. + +RUSSIA. "IS HE TO HAVE ALL _THIS?_" + +JOHN BULL. "WELL--HE'S PLAYED A SQUARE GAME--_I_ DON'T SEE ANY CALL TO +INTERFERE!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MAY I. THE SWEEPS' FESTIVAL. + +A STUDY IN BLACK AND WHITE. *** NICE FOR NEXT FARE.] + + * * * * * + +REMARKABLE INSTANCE OF SAGACITY IN GROUSE. + +To _The Field_ of April 20, Mr. FREDERICK MILBANK wrote about the +"Monument to a Grouse Shooter" on Wimmergill Moor. Mr. MILBANK +considered the number of grouse he had bagged as constituting a +"record," and so caused a monument to be erected on the spot sacred to +the memory of four thousand brace of grouse shot in six days by five +guns with one extra gun on the sixth day. The monument, being erected, +_scared the grouse away_. Of course they read the sad story, held a +council, and decided that as long as F. A. MILBANK was anywhere +about, within shot, they would preserve themselves by avoiding him. +Subsequently the monument was removed to Bamingham in North Yorkshire. +But the North Yorkshire birds are quite indifferent to this tale +from The Hills. They wink the other eye, that is until such time as +FREDERICK A. MILBANK shall show them the sort of gun _he_ is, and then +they'll be sorry for not having taken warning earlier, unless they +possess the sagacity of the grouse of Wimmergill, which resembles +that of _Mr. Jingle's_ dog, who read the inscription on the board, +"Gamekeeper has orders to shoot all dogs found in this inclosure," and +"wouldn't pass it." "Singular circumstance that," said _Mr. Pickwick_. +"Will you allow me to make a note of it?" + + * * * * * + +THE MODERN BUYER: + +GROWLS OF MODERN "MASTERS." + +_Royal Academy, Burlington House, May 3, 1895._ + + The "Old Masters" over, the New make a start. + Another year's past and another year's come; + And Fame blows a blast on her trumpet, and Art + Beats her drum! + + "Walk Up!!" An example is set by the Court; + And Society hastens--a feverish throng; + A mere glance at the pictures, for life is but short-- + And Art's long! + + Three artists looked on with a cynical smile-- + One needy Outsider, and two rich R.A.'s + (Both walking on velvet, because of the pile + They could raise). + + They discussed the "Art Patron"--in all of that crowd + An _avis_ that's _rara_ and _rara_ each year. + And these are the words that they spoke, and allowed + Me to hear:-- + +_First R.A._ + + "Now, to none do I yield in my love of VANDYCK-- + I adore the Italians--bow down to the Dutch; + VELASQUEZ I worship, and GOYA I like + Very much. + + "But alas! for the SHEEPSHANKS and VERNONS of old-- + For the HILLS and the rest of a connoisseur race! + Old MECAENAS has gone; and investors of gold + Take his place." + +_Second R.A._ + + "'Old Masters' they buy--any ancient design-- + Eighteen-thirty or so is the latest they'll own; + None but 'made reputations'--no work, howe'er fine, + If unknown." + +_Outsider._ + + "Their Art's in their bankers'-books, not in their eyes + To encourage the artist is none of their plan; + They seek an investment that's likely to rise-- + To a man. + + "Do they think that fine art nowhere else can be seen + But in saint that is squint-eyed, or boor that is drunk, + In brown tree, Dutch canal, man with ruff, or the lean + Spanish monk?" + +_Second R.A._ + + "Just reflect to what artists of old had been brought + (Such as REYNOLDS, or RAPHAEL, or PHIDIAS the Greek) + Had their patrons informed them they meant to buy nought + But antique!" + +_Outsider._ + + "Then, _our_ drawing is better--our atmosphere too. + _Plein air_ was ignored, or they voted it vice. + As to '_values_,' 'twas little they thought of or knew-- + Save of price." + +_First R.A._ + + "When men buy modern art, they buy Leightons and Moores + And Sargents and Swans and the rest of our lot; + But as to their _knowledge_--like mine or like yours-- + Tommy rot!" + +_Second R.A._ + + "Do you think they appreciate LEWIS'S skies-- + Do they care if they're worked up in stipple or wash? + Do you think it's the _Art_ (not the money) they prize? + Simply bosh!" + +_Outsider._ + + "No. They judge not by Art--they judge only by fame; + And the artist may starve on his poor pallet-bed; + But their hundreds and thousands they shower on his name + When he's dead!-- + + "When the two Greatest Masters--Old Varnish and Time-- + To his work superficial beauties have lent, + Lo behold, they appreciate! Be it so. _I'm_ + Quite content." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "1895." THE ROYAL ACADEMY FIELD DAY.] + + * * * * * + +A FRIEND AT A PINCH. + +(_An Utterly Impossible Incident that will never be "Reported."_) + + SCENE--_A Court of Law. Experienced Counsel arguing a point in + the teeth of his Lordship on the Bench._ + +_His Lordship_ (_angrily_). No, Mr. BANDS, I really cannot agree with +you. It seems to me that you are merely wasting our time, and no doubt +your own. + +_Experienced Counsel_ (_politely_). Not at all, my Lord. I scarcely +venture to urge the great importance of the matter to my client. + +_His Lordship._ No doubt; and your client showed excellent judgment +in entrusting his interests to your hands. Still law is law, and can +never be anything else. + +_Exp. C._ Your Lordship is most kind. But my point, my Lord, is so +plain--the matter is so clear. Surely your Lordship must see it. + +_His Lordship_ (_with much irony_). It is my fault, no doubt, Mr. +BANDS, but as matter of fact your point is absolutely lost to me. I +confess I cannot see it at all. + +_Exp. C._ I would not propose for a moment that your Lordship's +judgment is at fault. But I would venture to suggest that the +atmosphere of the Court is sufficiently dense to cloud the clearest +and most brilliant intellect. + +_His Lordship_ (_mollified_). There is a good deal in what you say, +Mr. BANDS, but of course, we must put up with it. There is no remedy. + +_Exp. C._ With every possible respect to the Bench, my Lord, I would +humbly suggest that there is a remedy. + +_His Lordship._ Can you quote a case? + +_Exp. C._ I can, at any rate, refer to an opinion. + +_His Lordship._ Has it been reported? + +_Exp. C._ Certainly, my Lord. You will find it in the Reports of the +Hardwicke Society. Lord Chief Justice RUSSELL OF KILLOWEN has laid +it down that snuff is a most valuable assistance to the proper +dispensation of justice. His Lordship has declared that the inhaling +of prepared tobacco through the nostrils "clears the judicial brain, +predisposes it to calmness and impartiality, and enables a learned +judge to listen with patience to the most fluent and prolific of +forensic orators." If your Lordship pleases. + + [_Offers snuff-box to the Judge._ + +_His Lordship_ (_after taking a pinch_). Well, certainly the point you +have raised seems clearer to me than it did. (_After a few moments of +consideration._) I will reserve the case for further consideration, +and will deliver judgment later. + +_Exp. C._ As your Lordship pleases. I will ask the usher to hand my +authorities to your Lordship. + +_His Lordship_ (_receiving snuff-box_). You are very good. I will +not overlook their assistance in coming to a conclusion. I hope the +occasion may never arise when I might be compelled, as the vulgar +tongue expresses it, to "give you snuff." + + [_Scene closes upon mutual courtesies._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OH, I'M GLAD YOU'VE GOT A PIANO IN THE ROOMS! WHAT IS +IT?--A BROADWOOD?" + +"NO, MUM. MYOGH'NY!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, April 22._--Easter holidays over; school +back; new master in charge; process of installation a little lacking +in pomp and circumstance. This due in large measure to incidence of +holiday. At Westminster, as at other schools, boys don't insist, _vi +et armis_, on returning on the opening day. Wide gaps on most of the +benches; Front Opposition Bench a wilderness. PRINCE ARTHUR and all +his merrie men abstained from lending to installation of new Speaker +the grace and comfort of their presence. + +"It is quite true, dear boy," PRINCE ARTHUR said, when I gently +hinted that the Leader of Opposition should have been present on such +occasion, "that when our man was defeated I said, Mr. WILLIAM +COURT GULLY having been elected by a majority of the House, is +representative of the whole House. But it's a long name, you know, and +in ordinary practice I must stop short at WILLIAM. You can't expect me +to COURT GULLY." + +Amid depressing circumstances as far as attendance went, new Speaker +bore himself faultlessly. Quick-change process watched with breathless +interest from Ladies' Gallery. First, Speaker-Elect, preceded by Mace, +entered, attired in Court dress with close-fitting bob-wig. At summons +of Black Rod, proceeded to House of Lords; placed at Bar in custody of +Black Rod and Sergeant-at-Arms; not even "accommodated with a chair." +There to receive HER MAJESTY'S sanction of choice of Speaker made by +Commons. Happened that the QUEEN couldn't come. One of the cloaked and +wigged figures on Woolsack mentioned the matter in charmingly casual +way. + +"It not being convenient for HER MAJESTY to be personally present +at this time," said a voice which bewrayed the LORD CHANCELLOR, "a +Commission has been issued under the Grand Seal empowering the +Lords named therein to convey Royal Assent to Commons' selection of +Speaker." + +LORD CHANCELLOR quite friendly with Speaker-Elect, whom he familiarly +addressed as "Mr. GULLY." Spoke highly of his talents, diligence, +and sufficiency to fulfil important duties to which it had pleased +majority of Commons to call him. Said he had made it all right with +the QUEEN, and that WILLIAM COURT might go back to Commons, and get +about his business. SPEAKER, not to be outdone in geniality, begged +his anonymous friend, one of five muffled up in scarlet gowns, in +the event of any mess being made with matters in the other House, to +impute the blame to him alone, and let the other fellows go scot-free. + +Amongst crowd of Commoners clustered behind SPEAKER there was scarcely +a dry eye when this noble sentiment was uttered. + +"Solong!" said the voice that was certainly the LORD CHANCELLOR'S. +Taking this as hint to retire, SPEAKER withdrew from the Bar, and left +the House "Without a stain on his character," as the Earl of CORK and +ORRERY handsomely said. Returned to Commons in procession, with Mace +lightly but firmly carried by Sergeant-at-Arms. Instead of taking +Chair, marched round by passage to the rear, disappeared from view. +Consternation in Strangers' Gallery. + +"He's bolted!" one gentleman whispered to his neighbour. "Funked it +when the music stopped and he came to the hosses." + +After few moments of growing uneasiness, a fine figure, in +full-bottomed wig, silken gown, beneath which silver-buckled shoes +shimmered, emerged from behind SPEAKER'S Chair, and seated itself in +it. "Order! Order!" said a full, pleasant voice; and WILLIAM COURT +GULLY entered upon what promises to be a prosperous and distinguished +career. + +SARK tells me that, on going into Committee of Supply, he intends to +move that henceforward the gallery over the Clock facing the Chair +shall be called "The Speaker's Gullery." SARK always thinks of the +right thing at the right time. + +_Business done._--New Speaker installed. + +_Tuesday._--The Order by which Ministers took Tuesdays having lapsed, +private Members to-night came into their own again. Always stoutly +resist incursion of greedy Governments on their small possessions. +Might reasonably be supposed that, having come into their inheritance, +would have made most of it. Lots of things to do to-night. Several +resolutions on paper, with Orders of Day to follow. What happened was +that by a quarter to nine enthusiasm finally evaporated; count called; +only thirty-seven Members responded; lights forthwith put out. + +Opening debate on Charity Commission certainly a little heavy. Every +Member who got his chance felt it incumbent on him to speak for at +least half an hour. Some considerably exceeded this limit. + +"_Parturiunt montes_," said HERBERT MAXWELL, wearily looking round +as GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN followed JOHN ELLIS and JESSE COLLINGS succeeded +FRANCIS STEVENSON; "_nascitur ridiculus mus_." + +And so it was. Particular mountain at work when the mouse appeared was +J. W. LOWTHER. Mouse entered from behind SPEAKER'S Chair; leisurely +proceeded along passage between Front Opposition Bench and table at +which J. W. was speaking disrespectfully of JESSE COLLINGS. Halted by +PRINCE ARTHUR'S empty seat; nibbled fibre of matting in remonstrance +at his absence; passed round fearlessly by J. W.'s heels; sat +for moment in full view of House listening attentively to J. W.'s +argument; yawned and sauntered back the way it came. Interest in +debate evidently keener than that of average Member. As soon as +ACLAND'S voice reverberated through almost empty Chamber, mouse +observed strolling back along familiar way; took its seat on floor +under shadow of Mace in defiance of all Parliamentary rule; followed +ACLAND'S argument with evidently keen interest. Interrupted by +approach of RICHARD TEMPLE. Quickly looking up and catching sight of +his stately figure bowing to SPEAKER, mouse fled like the wind, in its +terror making off by Treasury Bench, finally escaping by another exit. + +"_Cogitato_" said HERBERT MAXWELL, who breakfasts every morning off a +plate of porridge and a page of PLAUTUS,-- + + "Cogitato, mus pusillus quam sit sapiens bestia, + AEtatem qui uni cubili nunquam committit suam." + +_Business done._--Pension of L4,000 a year voted to ARTHUR WELLESLEY +PEEL, late Speaker. + +[Illustration: Fancy Picture of Sir Thomas Esmonde bringing forward +Queen "Lily o' Killarney" Hawaii.] + +_Thursday._--All very well for gay young Irish baronet like ESMONDE to +champion cause of errant Queens throned in summer seas. Expected other +things from THE MACGREGOR. House quite shocked when he interposed just +now. ESMONDE asked EDWARD GREY whether Government could do anything +to obtain proper treatment for Queen of Hawaii. Before Under Secretary +could reply, THE MACGREGOR, suddenly leaping across dyke as it were, +interposed. "As I happen to know the lady who was formerly Queen of +Hawaii," said THE MACGREGOR, and so proceeded to back up ESMONDE'S +plea. Offhand way in which reference was made suggested illimitable +possibilities, THE MACGREGOR just "happened to know" this Queen, +probably one of a bevy. On some quiet night House might hope to hear +paper read by THE MACGREGOR on "Queens I Have Known." + +SARK curiously anxious as to where the acquaintance was made, and how +it was nurtured. Did THE MACGREGOR vaccinate Her Majesty whilst he, +still in public capacity, sojourned at Penrith? Was she an inmate of +Peebles Hydropathic Institute what time he was resident physician? or +did he minister to her at the Barnhill Hospital and Asylum, Glasgow, +of which, before he took to Imperial politics, he was superintendent? +Pleasanter still to think of THE MACGREGOR and the Queen with the +musical name wandering hand in hand amid the orange groves of sea-girt +Hawaii, breakfasting on the bountiful bread-fruit, lunching off the +succulent yam. Did he in those days call her so much as LILIUOKALANI? +or did he venture on the diminutive LILI? SARK had better give notice +of these questions. _Business done._--Fresh Ministerial Bills brought +in with both hands. + +_Friday._--Another private Members' night, and, by consequence, +another count out. Things kept going till a quarter to eight, but +only with utmost difficulty. Members consented to stay in prospect +of division on ALBERT ROLLIT'S motion protesting against exemption +of Government property from rating. But they would not longer linger. +When LUBBOCK followed, with proposal of pleasant chat about London's +share of imperial contribution to local purposes, the few remaining +Members, vainly trying to look as if they'd be "back in ten minutes," +walked out. House counted; only twenty-five present, and so home to +dinner. + +"Yes, yes," said WALTER LONG, left in charge of Front Opposition +Bench, "but this won't prevent us on Monday, when SQUIRE OF MALWOOD +proposes to take Tuesday and Friday mornings for public business, +stubbornly resisting piratical incursion on the rights of private +Members. Whatever we are, let us be logical." + +_Business done._--Ministerial defeat on ROLLIT'S amendment averted by +majority of one. + + * * * * * + +THE BATTLE OF EASTBOURNE. + + Natis in usum laetitiae rosis + Pugnare Eastbourni est. + + HORACE (_slightly emended_). + +It is not the English nature, but the English climate that makes us +take our pleasures sadly (if we do, which we don't). And it is not +the fault of the English nature, but of the organisers, if our public +pageants are usually, like our statues, more or less good-humoured +burlesques of what they are meant to represent. Now Eastbourne has +triumphantly shown that, in spite of chilling and heavy rain, +England can rival the sunny South in the beauty and variety of a big +procession of floral cars. And if Eastbourne can do this, why can it +not be done elsewhere? "Organise, organise, organise," and let the +hireling merrymaker be conspicuously absent. Your hireling will still +wear his armour as if he were bearing the _spolia opima_ of a burgled +marine-store dealer. And the lady hireling, as a sea-nymph or a +shepherdess, can never quite forget what she owes to her dignity as a +respectable married woman. In the interests of the family exchequer, +and in the way of business, she may consent to dally with allegory, +but her heart is not in the mermaid's grot, nor do the spacious times +of Great ELIZABETH inspire her, beyond the Victorian circus-smile, +the circus-smile which puts a girdle round about the face for +forty minutes, or more if the procession be so long a-field. At the +Eastbourne Battle of Flowers everyone lived up to his or her coach, +carriage, wheel-barrow or cart, in a way which speaks volumes for the +artistic sense of the South Saxons. The children, as children use, +took the cake--after Mr. EDGAR BRUCE. They were there in great numbers +and variety, from the little _Titania_ in her fairy goat-chaise, o'er +canopied with flowers and flying doves, to the very small skipper of +the very realistic ship, who stood on the rainy deck with drawn sword +and unswerving dignity for some two hours of constant and crowded +parading. "Bravo, BURNABY," is the resultant cry of gratified +spectators, and better weather next time. A better show it would be +ungrateful to suggest. + + * * * * * + +Umra Khan's Consigne. + +When headstrong chieftains say "I shan't," + Or do the things they're bidden not to, +Like UMRA KHAN (now UMRA can't), + They'll find "_non possumus_" their motto. + + * * * * * + +AGRICULTURAL PROSPECTS.--The Kent farmers are looking forward to a +hoppy future. "What's the odds" to _them_ "as long as they're hoppy?" + + * * * * * + +"A 'FELT' WANT."--A comfortable _and_ respectable-looking billycock +hat. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + + +Page 205: 'thorougfares' corrected to 'thoroughfares' + + "The route, which ran chiefly through main thoroughfares,..." + +Page 208: 'preson' corrected to 'person' + + "If a person came to you and said that, what reply would you + give him?" + +Page 208: 'ongues' corrected to 'tongues' + + "But our tongues shall laud, whilst those tongues can wag,..." + +Page 209: 'isplaye' corrected to 'displayed' + + "More charms displayed in form and feature." + +Page 209: 'break', possibly (Oxford English Dictionary), break^{3} - +n. Carriage-frame with no body, for breaking in young horses; large +wagonette. Seems correct in context: + + "Seems that break went wrong going down-hill. Well, no "safety + tandem" for _me_ again--can't _stand 'em_, myself, not being in + favour of infanticide. Give _me_ a good old mail cart!" + +[^ represents a superscript.] + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +108, May 4th, 1895, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 108, MAY 4TH, 1895 *** + +***** This file should be named 44759.txt or 44759.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/7/5/44759/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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