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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109,
+July 20, 1895, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, July 20, 1895
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: January 15, 2014 [EBook #44673]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 109.
+
+JULY 20, 1895.
+
+
+
+
+TO A LADY HUMORIST.
+
+  Your laugh would chase away the blues,
+    Your smile is always sunny,
+  One must be gay--who could refuse?
+  Your "mission" is just to amuse;
+  Discarding all blue-stocking views,
+    You fancy what is funny.
+
+  You have no fads on Man's Descent
+    From something quite atomic,
+  On Diet, Disestablishment,
+  On Dress, Diminishing of Rent,
+  Divorce or Dockyard Discontent--
+    You seek for something comic.
+
+  You wear no hygienic shoe,
+    Your dress is never frightful,
+  Your sense of humour makes you too
+  Alive to what you should not do,
+  You laugh at folks, not they at you,
+    You write what's quite delightful.
+
+  So laugh, and always make us gay;
+    Stern women are alarming,
+  The boldest men, I need not say,
+  Are simply scared by such as they,
+  You do not bore us, anyway.
+    Your conversation's charming.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Unmetrical Adaptation of Robbie Burns' celebrated Line to the "New
+Woman," whether in male attire on or off Bicycle, in her Club, driving
+her trap, &c., &c._--"A woman's a woman for a' that."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SPORTING EVENT--A RECORD.
+
+SHE WON THE SWEEP!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+Of Mr. ATHOL MAYHEW'S _History of Punch_ the Baron can
+at present say nothing, no copy of this work having as yet been
+brought to Our Booking Office, and without a ticket-of-leave, or
+ticket-for-leaves, granted by _Mr. Punch_ himself, per the Baron de
+B.-W., the book of MAHU ("MODO he is called and
+MAHU," as SHIRLEY BROOKS used to quote from _King
+Lear_) will not have received _the_ "imprimatur." Already it appears,
+as we read in a letter from Mr. HENRY SPIELMANN (who, if any
+man living knows anything about _Mr. Punch's_ history, is the Punchian
+Biographer and Historian _par excellence_ and "by appointment") to the
+_Daily Chronicle_, Friday, July 12, that in Mr. MAYHEW'S book
+there are numerous errors on important matters. "_Mayhew-manum est
+errare._" But "Herr VON SPIELMANN will put him right in his
+forthcoming book," says
+
+  THE JUDICIOUS
+  BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COVENT GARDEN OPERA PROVERB.--"When in doubt play _Faust_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HAPPY THOUGHT!" (_Apropos of a recent case in the Marylebone
+Police Court_).--What a good title for an old-fashioned pantomime in
+the East End (where _the_ real pantomimes used to be): "_Harlequin and
+the Mysterious Manx Mannikins; or, Snapshot and the Demon Camera!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRIGGS, OF BALLIOL.
+
+PART II.
+
+Two years passed, and never a syllable could I learn of
+BRIGGS. Then I met TROTTER of Trinity at Piccadilly
+Circus. "By the way," said he, "I suppose you have heard about poor
+old BRIGGS?" "No!" I cried. "What of him?" "Oh, I thought you
+would be sure to know, or I would have broken it to you more gently."
+"Why?" I asked, with apprehension. "Has anything happened to him?"
+"Well," he replied, with some hesitation, "I--er--I hardly like to tell
+you. You were such a friend of his." "You don't mean to say that he
+is----?" "Dead? No, poor fellow, not dead exactly, but worse than that,
+I fear. He has become a New Man, you see." I looked at TROTTER
+in bewilderment. "Why, you see, he is married--yes, he married the
+O'GRESS, you know. Poor BRIGGS! I saw him yesterday,
+and, upon my word, I should scarcely have known him. But go and see him
+yourself; you will never believe my story."
+
+TROTTER wrote me the address on a card, and the next day
+I called. The maid looked somewhat surprised when I asked for Mr.
+BRIGGS. He was at home, oh, yes, he was at home, but she
+didn't know whether he could see me or not, as he was feeding the
+baby. This announcement rather staggered me, but I pulled myself
+together sufficiently to assure her that I was an old friend of Mr.
+BRIGGS; and, on learning this, she asked me to walk upstairs.
+"This is the nursery," she said, when we had reached the topmost
+storey. "You will find Mr. BRIGGS inside."
+
+I opened the door, and what a scene greeted me! There was
+BRIGGS, my old friend BRIGGS, the gallant
+BRIGGS of Balliol, rocking ceaselessly to and fro the while
+he crooned in a low monotone to a bundle of pins and flannel that
+lay cradled in his arms. I sprang forward to grip him by the hand.
+He laid his finger on his lips, and in an agonised whisper murmured,
+"Sh!--You'll wake the baby!" I controlled myself, and sank into a
+chair, to which he motioned me. BRIGGS hushed the infant
+anxiously for a minute or two until it was well asleep; then he turned
+to me, and with a sickly smile whispered, "I'm glad to see you,
+ROBINSON, but please talk very gently, for fear of waking the
+Cutsababoo."
+
+It grieved me to hear poor BRIGGS talk in this fashion, but
+there were a thousand questions I was burning to ask him.
+
+"Oh, BRIGGS, why did you leave Balliol so suddenly?" "Sh!"
+he answered, looking nervously round him. "_She_ took me away." "And
+why did you never write to anyone?" "Sh! _She_ forbade me." "Forbade
+you?" "Yes, yes, indeed. Oh, ROBINSON, you do not know my
+wife!" I was inwardly thanking my stars that I had not this honour when
+BRIGGS, overcome with his emotion, suddenly flung up his arms
+and covered his face with his hands. The action upset the equilibrium
+of the baby, which rolled off his lap, fell on the floor, and awoke
+with a scream. With a cry of dismay BRIGGS caught up the
+bundle, and tossed it violently up and down, addressing it the while in
+such intelligible terms as these--"And did it wake its darling ducky
+Cutsababoo, it did! It was a naughty cruel Dada, it was!"
+
+It would be hard to say which made the greater noise, BRIGGS
+or the baby; but BRIGGS had the staying power, and after
+a fight the baby gave it up. BRIGGS gazed at it as it lay
+exhausted in his arms, then turning to me, he said, "I think the
+Cutsababoo has done crying now, ROBINSON. Will you excuse me
+if I sing him to by-byes?" In olden days BRIGGS had a glorious
+baritone voice, and to hear him sing the Balliol Boating Song was a
+musical treat. I therefore readily agreed to stay and listen. "The
+Duckydoo is very particular," explained BRIGGS. "He will only
+go to sleep to his own ickle tune, _The New Lullaby_."
+
+  "Mummy has gone to the city,
+    Cutsaba--Cutsababoo!
+  But Mummy will think of her Pretty,
+    And buy him a little toy too.
+  Daddy will dandle the Darling,
+    And show him his beautiful toy.
+  Hushaby, Pet! Baby, don't fret!
+    Sleepery, Peepery Boy!
+
+  "Mummy is making the money,
+    Cutsaba--Cutsababoo!
+  To buy a new bonnet for sonny,
+    A jacket for Daddykins too.
+  Daddy will dandle the Darling,
+    And show him his beautiful toy.
+  Hushaby, Pet! Baby, don't fret!
+    Sleepery, Peepery Boy!"
+
+BRIGGS had just reached the end of the second verse when his
+keenly sensitive ear caught the sound of a latchkey turning in the
+door. A look of terror crossed his face. "It's _she!_ It's _she!_" he
+cried. "Oh, ROBINSON, if she finds you here! Oh, if you love
+me, fly!" I needed no second bidding. With a hasty grip of the hand I
+bade my friend farewell, and this is the last that has been seen of
+BRIGGS of Balliol.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MODERN MAID OF ATHENS.
+
+_John Bull_ (_hesitatingly_). "MAID OF ATHENS, ERE WE
+'PART'----"
+
+_Maid of Athens_ (_interrupting_). "THINK WHAT YOU OWE TO ATTIC
+ART?."
+
+[ the invitation of H.R.H. the Prince of WALES, a large
+meeting of these interested in the British School of Art at Athens was
+held on July 9 in St. James's Palace. The Prince of WALES
+said: "I sincerely hope we may soon hear that the School has been
+placed in an assured position for ever."--_Times Report._]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CUE FOR CANVASSERS.
+
+(_By a Cynic._)
+
+["In all the doubtful constituencies the result may be regarded as
+depending largely upon the persuasion and argument brought to bear upon
+individual electors."--_The Yorkshire Post._]
+
+  Persuasion? Argument? Very nice names
+  For Radical Caucusites, Primrose Dames,
+  And other retailers of party riddles,
+  _Ex parte_ statements, and taradiddles!
+  Gregarious voters, of old bribes did you all;
+  Now argument deals with the "individual."
+  With the man--or his wife--you must seek occasion,
+  Canvasser clever, to try "persuasion."
+  To "argue" that BLOGGS is the likeliest chap
+  To pour prosperity into your lap;
+  To "persuade" the Missus that that MCQUIRK
+  Will deprive her "man" of his beer _and_ work!
+  Oh, sweet are the virtues, upon occasion,
+  Of moral (or even _im_moral) 'suasion!
+  When blankets run out and when money's all spent,
+  Then, then comes the value of "argument."
+  And if the "argument" takes the form
+  Of orders and jobs in a perfect storm;
+  And when "persuasion" the future gauges
+  A promise of liquor and higher wages;
+  Why, then the result is the same almost,
+  'Twixt you and me, and the (_Yorkshire_) _Post!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DALY SACRIFICE TO SHAKSPEARE.--Again, thanks to the
+enterprise of Mr. AUGUSTIN DALY, one of SHAKSPEARE'S
+comedies is rendered resplendent with appropriate accessories. _A
+Midsummer Night's Dream_, furnished with new illustrations, and
+sparingly curtailed by necessary "cuts," becomes more poetical than
+ever. Miss ADA REHAN is a "dream" in herself, and Mr.
+LEWIS, as an American playing in England, becomes "translated"
+every evening to the complete satisfaction of an appreciating and
+crowded audience. The play should run from Midsummer into Michaelmas.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A HENLEY BARCAROLLE.
+
+(_By a Parasyllabic Swain._)
+
+  My lovylade, I peg and bray
+  That you will pun my joint to-day;
+  And we will, dreaming o'er the stodge,
+  In some remote lackwater bodge.
+
+  We'll take a man JOE, bandoline,
+  And hick-cup, as we slop between
+  The bangled tanks--we'll sink and drip,
+  And strum the things on board our ship.
+
+  List to my lovesick, mew, and come
+  Far from the giddy, higgling gum!
+  Relaying hearses, we will croon,
+  And through each glowering hide we'll _spoon!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Advertisement (_in "Standard"_).--"_Great Yarmouth. Small House. Close
+Aquarium and sea. Servant left._" Who was there when "servant left"?
+Also why "close Aquarium and sea"? Perhaps easy but unwise to close the
+former, but quite impossible to shut up the latter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"GOOD BIS"-LEY. "TELL THAT TO THE MARINES."--The United
+Services Cup was adjudged to the Marines at Bisley. In this competition
+the Marines were the best, "all told."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LABOUR OF LOVE!
+
+_Benevolent Lady_ (_who has with infinite trouble organised a Country
+Excursion for some overworked London Dressmakers_). "THEN MIND
+YOU'RE AT THE STATION AT NINE TO-MORROW, ELIZA. I DO HOPE IT WON'T
+RAIN!"
+
+"_RINE_, MISS! I 'OWP NOT, TO BE SURE! THE COUNTRY'S BAD ENOUGH
+WHEN IT'S _FOINE_, YN'T IT, MISS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SMOKING CHRISTIAN CONCERT.--In these smoking hot July days a
+Smoking Mission seems a good notion. Yet the Baccy-nalian missionaries
+may probably have to say, "We have pipe'd unto you, and you have not
+responded," except as long as the supply held out. Will there be
+distributed tracts entitled _A Bird's Eye View of Heaven_, _A Short Cut
+to Truth_, _Returns to Virtue_, _What is Life?_--_A Mixture!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROVERB À PROPOS OF LATEST NEW WALTZ, "KING GRETCHEN."--"It's
+the last STRAUSS that breaks the record."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BAWBEES ACROSS THE BORDER.--The _Dundee Advertiser_ has
+recently published a table showing the distribution of Ministerial
+salaries amongst Peers, Liberal Unionists, and Scotchmen. According
+to our canny contemporary, "Scotland fares badly in the new
+Administration." The reason for this lament is found in the fact
+that the share of Caledonia--"the spoil is taken chiefly by the Clan
+Balfour," remarks the _D. A._--amounts only to £12,425. And yet this
+sum represents the "banging" of a good many "saxpences." North Britain
+is unreasonable!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WASTING HER SWEETNESS.
+
+(_An Electioneering Study._)
+
+ ARGUMENT.--Mrs. HORACE HONEYBALL, wife of the
+ Liberal Candidate for a Metropolitan Working-class Constituency, has
+ undertaken in her husband's interests a house-to-house canvass in
+ Bodgers' Buildings.
+
+_Mrs. H. H._ (_to herself, as she threads her way through a grove
+of drying linen_). "I do _wish_ they would hang out their washing
+somewhere else--it's absolute ruin to one's hat! What a depressing
+place--but then they're all the more likely to be on our side. Have
+I got my canvassing cards and the bundle of leaflets? Yes--then I'd
+better begin.... How do you _do_, Mr. DOLLOP?... No, _please_
+don't move--I see I've come upon you all at your tea. So refreshing
+on a warm afternoon like this!... No, not any for me, thanks, I never
+touch it--and besides, I had some before I came out, you know....
+Oh, never mind about wiping a chair for me, Mrs. DOLLOP....
+Yes, _quite_ comfortable, I assure you. What a delightful home you
+have, with all those charming coloured pictures on the wall, and so
+_beautifully_ clean, too!... Ah, if you only knew the trouble and worry
+of a great house and a whole tribe of servants.... But you mustn't
+say that; _no_ one need despair of getting on nowadays, you know. And
+this is your little boy and girl? such bright, intelligent little
+faces. Jam _is_ so wholesome for them, isn't it?... HALBUT and
+HALICE? Really! such pretty names _I_ always think; and both
+beginning with--er--H.... Well, yes, _I have_ called on some particular
+business. I daresay, now, Mr. DOLLOP, you're quite a
+politician.... A plasterer? Now, _how_ delightful! Because I must tell
+you that my husband.... No, I'm afraid _not_. You see, we've only just
+had the whole house thoroughly done up. I was only going to say that my
+husband has such a respect for plasterers as a class, you know. Haven't
+I mentioned who he is? _How_ stupid of me! He's Mr. HONEYBALL,
+the Radical Candidate for this place.... Yes, I've come about the
+elections, of course. Oh, but you _ought_ to care; I'm sure you're far
+too intelligent a man to be really indifferent who represents you in
+Parliament! And my husband is so devoted to the working-classes; it's
+been quite the aim of his life to do something for them. His motto is,
+'Trust the People.'... Oh, _dear_ me, no--he's not a _shopkeeper_--he's
+at the Bar.... Certainly _not_. He's in favour of doing away with
+public-houses. He's a barrister--a _lawyer_, you know.... Ah, but
+perhaps you haven't been fortunate in such lawyers as you've _met_....
+Well, but you wouldn't like the _Tories_ to get in, _would_ you?... But
+they've _had_ their 'innings,' as you call it; they've been in a whole
+fortnight--and what have they _done_?... And if the Liberal Government
+is kept out, what will become of all the great reforms they've been
+trying to give you?... Well, there's Home Rule, for _one_.... Surely
+you're in favour of letting the Irish manage their own affairs?... No,
+that's _such_ a mistake; they _won't_ want to manage ours--at least,
+except Imperial matters--and why _shouldn't_ they?... All that can so
+easily be settled afterwards.... Don't you call 'One man one vote' a
+great reform?... Isn't it monstrous that some people should have five
+or six votes, while you only have one?... It's foolish to say they're
+'welcome to them,' like that, when they only use them to deprive you
+of your rights.... Then there's Welsh Disestablishment.... Oh, if you
+really can't see the immense importance of it, all I can say is, I'm
+extremely sorry.... Yes, I'm going now, and I hope, before the election
+day comes, you will have learnt to take a more enlightened----_Good_
+afternoon."
+
+"I'm so glad to have found you at home, Mr. BILGER. I'm
+Mrs. HONEYBALL, and I want you to support my husband at the
+election--he's standing as a Liberal, you know.... Oh, yes, I think
+I can tell you his views on the Liquor Traffic. He's anxious to see
+the curse of drinking thoroughly stamped out.... No, I'm sure you're
+no friend to publicans--you look _far_ too respectable.... Yes, as you
+say, they get rich on the earnings of the poor, and it's high time
+they were done away with.... _Certainly_ you may ask me a question....
+No, of course my husband would not _dream_ of putting down Clubs: he
+belongs to several himself.... Oh, you meant _Working-men's_ Clubs. You
+belong to one yourself? So _sensible_ of you!--and of course there can
+be no possible objection, so long as no intoxicating liquor----_Not_
+conducted on Teetotal principles? I'm afraid that _would_ make a
+difference.... Why? Because, don't you _see_, if people can go and
+join Clubs, and get drink there, there would be no use in closing the
+public-houses, _would_ there? We must be _logical_.... No _doubt_
+intoxicating drinks are supplied in Clubs, but I don't see what _that_
+has to do with it.... My husband? No, he's not a total abstainer, but
+still----... No, no; it's not a question of one law for the Rich and
+another for the Poor at _all_. You don't quite _understand_.... If
+you _really_ have heard enough, I'll go, of course.... Not at all. If
+anything I've said has helped you in making up your mind, I'm only
+too----Don't trouble to come to the door!"
+
+"Mrs. MANGLES, I think? Your husband _not_ at home, I
+see. It doesn't matter--you will do _quite_ as well. I'm Mrs.
+HONEYBALL.... Oh, you _have_ heard the name.... Seen my
+husband's picture on the placards? Oh, you're not taking a liberty in
+the very _least_. I shall be only too _delighted_ to give you one. He
+_is_ rather nice-looking, isn't he? I'll tell you what I'll do--when
+I get home, I'll send you one of his photographs to put on your
+mantelpiece.... Oh, I _don't_ think I should have it coloured, if I
+were you.... But his hair and moustache aren't _auburn_, and what _do_
+you want to put him in a red tunic for?... Really? The living image of
+your first young man? He _will_ be flattered!... You've had several
+since? I can quite believe _that_.... Well, if you will promise to get
+your husband to give me his vote, perhaps----_Why_ should I have to go
+to the--er--'Cimingtery' for it?... Last Christmas?--_dear_ me! I'm
+very sorry I----Good-bye, Mrs. MANGLES; and--er--if I _do_
+find I have a photograph to spare----but the portrait of him on that
+leaflet is really more _like_, you know!"
+
+[Illustration: "I _love_ the smell of tobacco!"]
+
+"No, don't put _down_ your pipe, Mr. GOWLES; I--I _love_
+the smell of tobacco!... You weren't _intending_ to--how friendly of
+you!... I daresay you don't know who _I_ am?... Perhaps not, but you'll
+let me _tell_ you, won't you?... I've come to ask you to vote for my
+husband, Mr. HONEYBALL; he's not a _Tory_, you know, he's a
+thorough-going Radical.... Not going to vote for either of them?--Now
+_why_?... Oh, no, I'm _sure_ you're not--you're _much_ too pleasant
+and gentlemanly to be a horrid Socialist!... You want everything done
+away with? Well, the Liberals _are_ going to abolish a lot of things.
+There's the House of Lords, for instance, you're against _them_,
+I'm sure.... Not more than you are against the House of Commons?
+Oh, but you don't _really_ want to destroy one of our most ancient
+institutions!... Capitalists? oh, they're sharks and bloodsuckers and
+landgrabbers and all that, I _quite_ agree with you there--only they're
+all _Tories_, you know.... Why shouldn't you share in all the wealth
+you're assisting to produce? Why are you to be robbed of the product
+of your brain and hands?--I really don't know--it's very wrong, no
+doubt--what _do_ you produce?... Oh, you're a bill-poster? I _see_.
+Now don't get excited.... Your only hope is in the Gospel of Hate?...
+Now _really_, such a _disagreeable_ thing to say!... If I could only
+bring you to see that by voting for the Liberals----... I'm _not_
+a smooth-tongued humbug, and it's extremely rude of you to call me
+anything of the kind.... I never said you hadn't a perfect right to
+vote as you pleased.... Very _well_, then, _keep_ your horrible vote,
+I'm sure _I_ don't want it! (_To herself, as she departs._) I shall go
+home. If I see any more of these people, I shall find I've turned into
+a rabid Tory--and I'm sure HORACE wouldn't like that!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPERATIC NOTES.
+
+_Monday_ memorable for MELBA. Never sang better than as
+mad-as-a-hatter heroine of DONIZETTI'S _Lucia di Lammermoor_.
+Three hearty, deafening, unanimous encores for the brilliant
+fireworky Hanwellian vocalisation in LUCY'S (not "H.
+W. LUCY'S," of the _D. N._, but Miss LUCIA'S) great
+_de lunatico inquirendo_ scena. After encore, inevitable gigantic
+basket of flowers handed up to triumphant cantatrice by Beaming
+BEVIGNANI and talented assistants in orchestra. Conductor and
+musicians ought not to be used as agents for delivery of bouquets to
+_prime donne_. If somebody among audience wishes to publicly present
+singer with floral testimonial, why not let that Somebody step forward
+(as the person in church who would "forbid the banns" is invited to do)
+and hand it to her himself on a stick? Or if he be in some other part
+of the house, DULCISSIMUS DRURIOLANUS would himself introduce
+him and his basket of flowers on to, and off, the stage. The encores
+and the floral testimonial quite turned mad heroine's head.
+
+[Illustration: alvé à la "'Ria."]
+
+That is, so turned it round again that she became quite sane and
+chatted amicably with two or three of the leading chorus "up stage"
+until it suddenly occurred to her that she must go mad again, which she
+did at once, most effectively. After this "_Fra poco_," the swan-like
+(if swan a tenor) death-song of _Edgardo_, cannot go for its value
+unless sung by a most popular and highly-gifted tenor. So it stands
+to the credit of Signor DASH-MY-VIGNAS that, in this, he was
+enthusiastically applauded, and soon after "laid him down and dee'd"
+in the midst of an admiring and more-or-less sympathetic Chorus.
+Great opera for Chorus giving expression to their feelings. How they
+cry or laugh, and point and gesticulate and threaten and sympathise
+as guests in low dresses without anything distinctively Scotch about
+them, except in the case of one lady over whose shoulder I fancy I
+detected a tartan scarf of clannish pattern. _Normanno_, played by, I
+think, IGINIO CORSI (which name, in compliment to the national
+Scotch liquor, ought to have been changed to "IWISKIO CORSI"),
+bore remarkable resemblance to Markis o' SALISBURY. I do
+not remember ever having seen or heard Lord SALISBURY as
+a vocalist. To be remembered as _The_ MELBA Night of the
+Season--up to now.
+
+_Wednesday._--CALVÉ as _Carmen_ simply perfect. That is
+all I have to say; like the Raven (not _Barnaby Rudge's_, but
+EDGAR A. POE'S), I announce "Only this, and Nothing More."
+And ALVAREZ as _José_, "Gentleman JOE," who does
+not drive, but is driven to madness, first-rate; in last scene,
+struggle and assassination most thrilling, dramatically: even
+stall-by-the-season'd opera-goers holding breath, and clutching at
+backs of seats. Audience, ordinarily indifferent to fate of heroine
+in last act, wait till bitter end. They only quit when quite sure
+_Carmen_ cannot possibly sing any more. Madame MELBA,
+who, "_by request of the Management_"--how modestly is this put,
+O DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS!--"_has kindly consented to play
+Michaela_," exceeded the terms of her amiable contract, as she not only
+"played" _Michaela_, but sang the music superbly, her singing being
+faultless, which her "playing" was not. Mossoo ALBERS rather
+out of it as _Escamillo_, and _Toréador_ was not an Encoreador, whereat
+_Toréador non contento_. All the principals sang in French, "knowing
+the language," but clever Chorus stuck to Italian. _Benissimo!_
+BEVIGNANI beaming, and beating time. House crowded; elections
+and political parties disturb not the harmony of Covent Garden. Yet
+"last week but one" announced, and end in view. WAGSTAFF,
+seeing CALVÉ in first act with scarf or belt round waist,
+suggests riddle, "Why is CALVÉ a perfect _Carmen?_" Before
+you can break away from him, without damage to your button-hole,
+he answers, "Because she plays the part with _a-band-on_." _Exit_
+WAGSTAFF.
+
+_Friday._--_Pagliacci._--A new _Nedda_ in Mlle. ZÉLIE DE
+LUSSAN. _Nedda_ is rather a Loose'un, and Mlle. ZÉLIE
+is as good a _Nedda_ as you can get "when t'other dear charmer's
+away." Then to follow, CALVÉ in _Calvé-'lleria Rusticana_
+admirably dramatic. Can't believe this Magdalenish saint-like woman can
+possibly be that deuce of a young woman, _Carmen_, of t'other night.
+But "_F[oe]mina varium et mutabile_ (also _cantabile_) _semper_." All
+the others good as ever, specially GIULIA RAVOGLI, as the gay
+_Lo-la-li-ety_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCRAPS FROM CHAPS.
+
+The hedgehog is sometimes accused of helping himself to a drink from
+a recumbent cow, but his larger relative, the domestic pig, is to be
+even still more commended for his enterprise. According to the _Western
+Daily Mercury_, in a farmyard in the parish of Uffculme a pig was
+observed to rear on his hind legs and suck milk from a cow. This sight
+must have enormously impressed the spectator. But it ought to have been
+a dog.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Surely a Radical Unionist is a new departure in politics. Mr.
+STRAUSS, who is opposing Mr. CONYBEARE, M.P. for
+the Camborne division of Cornwall, in reply to a question at Cusgarne
+said that he was a Radical Unionist, but the name Liberal was good
+enough for him. Mr. STRAUSS is to be congratulated on his
+new political "Doctrinen"; but, if he should succeed in defeating Mr.
+CONYBEARE, he seems likely to lead the Whips a pretty dance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It seems a little hard on a Parliamentary candidate when he is
+seriously misrepresented by his own friends. This is what Mr.
+MICHAEL WILLIAMS has suffered in the St. Austell division of
+Cornwall at the hands of his friend Canon BUSH. With every
+intention of doing Mr. WILLIAMS a good turn, the worthy Canon
+fired off a letter in the local press containing a serious misquotation
+of a speech said to have been made by Mr. WILLIAMS about the
+false doctrines of the Nonconformists. The explosion of this shell in
+the Nonconformist camp has not improved Mr. WILLIAMS'S chance
+of success, and he probably believes in the truth of the old saying,
+that "Good wine needs no Bush."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PULL ALL TOGETHER.--What our forefathers would have called
+"seeking an explanation from one's representative," is now, in these
+days of political slang, known as "pulling your member's leg!" Witness
+what happened in West Fife:
+
+ "Mr. WEMYSS said, that if they returned him they would have
+ the advantage of being able to run down to WEMYSS when he did
+ anything wrong and pull his leg at the cost of a sixpence in train
+ money, whereas, if they wanted to pull Mr. BIRRELL over the
+ coals, it would cost them £3 to go to London."
+
+The electors would certainly seem to "have the pull" by Mr.
+WEMYSS'S proximity; but why didn't some heckler retort by
+saying that in pulling a candidate's leg voters must be careful not to
+get hold of a calf?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SLOW TRAINING.--The Cork County National Teachers' Association
+has passed a resolution that "for the sixth class" the geography of
+the British Isles is enough, and "that the British Colonies be held
+over till the examination in the second year." But how will the British
+Colonies like being held over? And is not Ireland itself going to be
+a self-governing British Colony--some day? But that idea, too, seems
+"held over" for the present. The National Teachers, however, are true
+Nationalists, because they also resolved that "Professors of Irish
+should be appointed in all the Training Colleges." If females, they
+will be expected to wear the Celtic fringe, of course.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+READY AND WILLING (_in the Cornell-Leander Fiasco_).--One crew
+wasn't "ready," but the starter was "WILLAN"--like _Barkis_.
+The Cornell crew was ready and willin'. So they had the starter with
+them at all events; and, they started. Angry partisans described the
+proceeding as "Willanous." So it was,--from one point of view.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ELECTION PARADOXES.--Standing for a seat, and running against
+a sitting Member.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GENERAL ELECTION CRY.--"Take your seats, Gentlemen!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY.
+
+_The Professor_ (_who has just come back from the North Pole_).
+"----AND THE FAUNA OF THESE INHOSPITABLE REGIONS IS AS POOR AS THE
+FLORA! YOU COULDN'T NAME A DOZEN ANIMALS WHO MANAGE TO LIVE THERE."
+
+_Mrs. Malapert._ "OH--I DARE SAY I COULD!"
+
+_The Professor._ "REALLY--WHAT _ARE_ THEY?"
+
+_Mrs. Malapert._ "WELL, NOW--FIVE POLAR BEARS, LET US SAY, AND--AND
+SEVEN SEALS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IL "TRUE BLUE" INGLESE.
+
+_All' illustrissimo Signor Punch._
+
+ILLUSTRIOUSEST SIR,--I feel myself in duty of to write to
+her these few lines for to tell to her the my opinion of the of her
+country. Ah, the beautiful England! One speaks in Italy of the _cielo
+inglese_, when the sky is grey and overcast. For the first time I come
+now in the my ship to the of her country. _Ecco_, the sky is blue! In
+the our country so many things are blue--the sky, the sea, the lakes,
+the distant mountains, but in the our language not there is the word
+"blue." One says "azure" or "turquoise," but not the general term
+"blue." Therefore before I come to England I think, "We Italians see
+the colour blue, but not can say it, and these english have the word,
+but see never the colour." And _ecco_ I arrive, and the sky is blue!
+Not it is the blue of Napoli, not it is the blue of Geneva, and perhaps
+it is to-day only, but _veramente_ it is blue. It is much curious.
+
+Also I have found other things blue. Some time the sea is pale blue.
+Some time the milk is pale blue. And one english says to me, "The
+sea was rough and the wind blue," but this not can I understand. The
+his friends say he likes chaff. _Diavolo_, what taste! But perhaps
+the chaff is much helpful for the digestion, like the english brown
+bread, which some brave men eat. The his friends say also, "He chaffs
+till all is blue." Perhaps when one eats the chaff the eyesight is
+altered. It is much curious. There are other things blue in England.
+There are "the blues." One my friend says to me that this phrase is the
+french _ennui_. Then I have not it seen yet, for it is always _festa_
+since our arrival. I have heard that the blues are at Oxford and at
+Cambridge, above all at the College of Girton. But the evening past
+I saw the blue the most beautiful. Ah, the exquisite eyes! Ah, _la
+bellissima signorina inglese!_ so graceful, so courteous, so beautiful!
+And the her eyes were blue, so blue! Never have I seen a colour so
+sweet. The sea at Napoli, the sky at Palermo, the lake at Bellagio--it
+seems to me that they are grey and ugly when I think to the her eyes.
+
+Ah, Signor _Punch_, Her is a man, Her can love, Her, I know it, admires
+the beauty of the women! So to her I tell that those blue eyes have hit
+the heart of the italian. Not in Italy, but in England, one sees the
+blue the most divine.
+
+Her I beg to accept the my compliments and I have the honour to say
+myself.
+
+  Her Devotedest Servant,
+
+  ANDREA DORIA DANDOLO VESPUCCI-COLOMBO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ORDER! ORDER!
+
+ ["Colonel NORTH bases his appeal for support on the plea that
+ he will see to it that West Leeds gets its full share of whatever work
+ may be going."--_Leeds Mercury._]
+
+  O "dark and true and tender is the NORTH!"
+    And wondrous service to West Leeds he'll render;
+  _He_'ll see, when Government work is going forth,
+    West Leeds shall have its chance--at least to tender.
+  "Orders are heaven's first law." That is the kernel
+    Of the "dear Colonel's" creed; and it contents
+  Those who to Governments raise the cry eternal
+    Of "Give your orders, Gents!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ECHOES FROM THE POLLS.
+
+Elected am I? Well, I am really much obliged.
+
+Oh, certainly, shall be truly delighted to do anything in my power.
+
+Fancy in these hard times that it is a little difficult to increase a
+subscription list.
+
+Only too pleased, but must be rather careful not to infringe the
+Bribery Acts.
+
+Truly intend to live up to my opinions. Would not alter them for worlds.
+
+Cannot recall everything I said during the heat of the election, and
+probably was imperfectly reported.
+
+Do not claim any more liberty of action than to obey the dictates of my
+conscience.
+
+Afraid cannot adequately represent every phase of political opinion.
+
+Will give as much satisfaction in Westminster as practicable.
+
+Party arguments are rather superfluous after the contest, and therefore
+have to be avoided.
+
+Sorry cannot stay longer in the Division itself, as my presence is
+required within the precincts of St. Stephen's.
+
+Would have the greatest pleasure in life to discuss all these matters
+of controversy at another time.
+
+Sorry cannot give exact date, but why not say just before the next
+General Election?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEMORABLE.--Wednesday, July 10th. Evening Fête at Botanical
+Gardens. _No Rain!!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OLD WARDER WILLIAM.
+
+THE VETERAN (_loquitur_). "DEAR ME! WHAT _HAS_ BECOME OF
+HARCOURT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EX-HON. PRIVATE A. BRIEFLESS, JUN., ON THE I. O. C. R. V. C. AT BISLEY.
+
+It is scarcely necessary to say that during the sitting of the Courts I
+have little time for what may be termed recreation. So when I visited
+Bisley on the occasion of the competition for the Ashburnham Shield,
+it was in a semi-military and semi-forensic capacity. It was no doubt
+pleasing to see one's schoolfellows of a later generation maintaining
+the _prestige_ of a common _Alma Mater_; but the chief attraction in
+my eyes of the successor to Wimbledon was the presence under canvas of
+much that is left of the "Devil's Own." And here let me pause for a
+moment to discuss the traditional derivation of the alternative title
+of the Inns of Court Rifle Volunteer Corps. I believe His late Majesty
+King WILLIAM THE FOURTH (of marine memory) is usually believed
+to have been the first to call his lawyer warriors by the name that,
+to certain minds, has had since an unsympathetic significance. I am
+of opinion that the Sailor Sovereign merely confirmed a title that
+had already been obtained by usage. It is more than possible that the
+initial supporters of the I. O. C. R. V. C. were counsel seldom holding
+briefs of their own, but frequently appearing as "learned" but absent
+"friends." It is needless to hint to the Bench and Bar that I refer to
+"devils." If my assumption is correct, then indeed would the Battalion
+be justly known to fame as "the Devil's Own."
+
+[Illustration: The Skeleton of a Regiment.]
+
+I wish I could deny the reports that have found their way into the
+papers that the I. O. C. R. V. C. is less prosperous than it was of
+yore. Personally, I have it on my conscience that I have not for many
+years appeared on parade. To the best of my belief I have only once
+joined the ranks. The occasion was a prize distribution in Lincoln's
+Inn Hall. As an honorary member I was posted in the front rank of "A"
+Company. Then came the perplexing command, "Fours right," which, so
+far as I was concerned, ended in disaster. A little later I retired
+from all active military service, and have remained in retreat ever
+since. Still, at the sound of the bugle my pulse quickens, and I
+feel that had I chosen the Tented Field instead of the Forum for the
+exercise of my professional duties my career would not have suffered
+in prosperity from the alteration. In fact, I believe that with the
+conditions changed I should have had just as good a chance of becoming
+Commander-in-Chief as Lord Chancellor. But these are regrets that are
+out of place in the columns of a periodical that guards the interests
+of the universe in general, while fostering the loftiest aspirations of
+the legal profession in particular. So I cast them aside as unworthy
+the attention of a counsel, a soldier, and a gentleman.
+
+Let me return to the I. O. C. R. V. C. at Bisley. I found "those of the
+faithful who have been true to their trust" defending themselves--there
+was no trace of defiance in the action--from the fierce fire of the
+noonday sun by wearing straw hats and sporting flannels. It was a
+pretty picture, that made by the martial lawyers at their mid-day
+parade. The tents, the tubs, the kitchen utensils, and last, but not
+least, the mess-house, with its dining saloon and ante-room. Alas, that
+the stability of the latter should be inappropriate! Alas, that the
+corps, once the pride of the Volunteer Service, should be reduced to
+four companies, and (so I believe) have lost its adjutant! Ichabod! How
+the mighty have fallen!
+
+As I watched the sad and yet impressive tableau old memories flocked
+upon me. Where was the private who caricatured his Colonel, and showed
+how a shako could be combined with a horse-hair wig, and yet look
+military and forensic? Where was the lance corporal who invariably
+confirmed his captain's commands with an "as your Lordship pleases?"
+Where was the rear-rank wag who, on being told to charge, said he "must
+leave that sort of thing to his clerk, who kept his fee-book?" Where
+was the vocalist who would sing the songs of J. L. MOLLOY,
+Barrister-at-Law, and knew the ins and outs of "The Maske of Flowers?"
+All of them gone, and their places scarcely filled by new comers!
+And, as I gazed upon an energetic private of the I. O. C. R. V. C.,
+apparently preparing to meet the demands of an expected detachment of
+hungry lunchers, I wondered whether anything could be done to revive
+the fortunes of the Grand Old Battalion. Could the hours of leisure of
+the warriors be occupied by regimental trips down the river, regimental
+drags to the races, regimental dinners to one another, regimental
+visits to the play, regimental strolls in the Row, regimental bicycles
+in Battersea Park? I fancy something of this kind has already been
+suggested. Then, if Barristers do not flock in sufficient numbers to
+the banners of the Lamb, the Horse, and the Griffin, why not throw
+open the ranks to wealthy persons--so to speak--fond of the leaders
+of litigation? Again I imagine some such plan has already been under
+consideration.
+
+And, as I thought the matter over, I became gloomier and gloomier. So
+sad was I that I had to visit the adjacent cemetery, to revive, under
+the modified merriment of the place, into comparative cheerfulness. The
+mere recollection of the I. O. C. R. V. C. unmans me. It is better that
+I should pause, for I can write no more.
+
+  _Pump Handle Court, July 12, 1895._
+
+  A. BRIEFLESS, JUN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CRY OF THE COUNTER.
+
+(_By a Shopkeeper who had hoped better things of the Season._)
+
+  Great Scott! Sold again! It's all up with the Season,
+    Though Summer _is_ Summer, and Goodwood's not gone!
+  We Shopkeepers hoped for good luck, and with reason,
+    For things did look bright. But once more we are done;
+  Done, clean as a whistle! A General Election!
+    Sprung on us, through BRODRICK, and cordite, and stuff!
+  A plague on both parties, a curse on each section!
+    Your M.P.'s a mooncalf, a muddler, a muff!
+
+  The weather was stunning; Death had not been busy
+    With Royalties--bless 'em!--and London was full;
+  And though of course ROSEBERY is not a DIZZY,
+    He _did_ win the Derby, which gave him some pull.
+  The Parties kept wrangling,--but nobody bothered;
+    They didn't make progress,--but none of us cared;
+  Though LABBY played tricks, or SILOM o pothered,
+    We stuck to our counters, unshocked and unscared.
+
+  And now, betwixt grass-time and harvest, the duffers
+    Fight over sheer fudge and kick over the show.
+  And so once again the poor Shopkeeper suffers.
+    A murrain on HARCOURT, a plague upon JOE!
+  For policy BALFOUR sets forth "Dissolution,"
+    And thinks he has scored. Had I temper, and breath,
+  _And_ his ear, I could smash up his smart elocution,
+    _His_ game's Dissolution,--to us it means death.
+
+  The fat's in the fire, and the spark's in the powder,
+    We're in for a long spell of wigs on the green.
+  Our clients will scatter, and louder and louder
+    Will swell the fool-chorus of partisan spleen.
+  Sir BOTTLEBY SNIPE must be off beyond Humber,
+    And sweet Lady SPENDWELL goes Primrosing, south,
+  And I, poor shopkeeper, may just as well slumber,
+    With rage in my heart and my thumb in my mouth.
+
+  Oh, slaves of the shop, from Pall Mall to far Peckham,
+    Say, is it not time that _you_ rose and rebelled?
+  The parties just play with us. Can we not check 'em?
+    By Jove, if one chorus of shopdom but swelled,
+  Like the working man's howl, on those Westminster wobblers,
+    The sweet little game they all play it might stop.
+  For Socialist dockers and Radical cobblers
+    They've ears; but they're deaf to the Cry of the Shop.
+
+  The rents, rates and taxes pile higher and higher,
+    The Stores undersell us--and cop ready cash!
+  The Hebrew monopolist, fiercer and slyer
+    Than tiger-cat, schemeth to send us to smash.
+  The landlord rack-rents us, and then pops the profit
+    He draws out of us into syndicate Stores!
+  I tell you the shopkeeper's life is a Tophet,
+    M.P.'s play at "Progress," and _we_ pay all scores.
+
+  And then they ask me for my vote!!! Why, what guerdon
+    Have I for my votings these twenty years past?
+  Continual addition to back-breaking burden!
+    I say the last straw has been laid on, at last;
+  At least upon this individual camel.
+    To forward true Progress I don't think I'm loth,
+  But sick of prolonged Party trick, trap, and trammel,
+    If I had my wish, I would--_vote against both!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MODERN IXION.--This mythological character finds his
+present representative in a shareholder Bound to the Great Wheel at
+Earl's Court. However, Ixion and his wheel went on for ever! In which
+case Modern Ixion ought to be an exceptionally lucky person.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I SAY, OLD MAN, WHAT'S THAT AWFUL ROW GOING ON NEXT
+DOOR?"
+
+"OH, THAT'S THE OMPHALE CLUB. THE LADIES ARE HAVING THEIR FIRST
+WHIST PARTY OF THE SEASON!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW NORRIBLE TALE.
+
+(_From a Philistinish Point of View._)
+
+AIR--"_The Norrible Tale._"
+
+  'Tis a norrible tale I'm going to tell
+  Of the frightful fortunes which befel
+  A family who late resided
+  In the same suburban street that I did.
+    O it is a norrible tale!
+    'Twould make a Maëterlinck turn pale,
+    With its frightful blend of the grim and glum,
+    Of fiddle-de-dee, and fi-fo-fum!
+
+  O they were a decent Philistine lot
+  Till they caught the contagion of "Tommy-Rot,"
+  That kind of mental, malarial fever,
+  Which floors the foolish and foils the clever.
+    O it is a norrible tale, &c.
+
+  This Influenza of the Soul
+  Haunted their house like some gruesome "troll."
+  (The family--which their name was GIBSON--
+  Knew all about such from the works of IBSEN.)
+
+  The father first felt the spell unholy,
+  And the man's demeanour grew truly "trolly."
+  He was--in Peckham--a Master Builder,
+  And he "carried on" with a drudge named 'TILDER.
+
+  The slavey said it was truly thrilling,
+  But struck for another--weekly--shilling.
+  "She was ready to thrill till all was blue,
+  But it _must_ be reckenised in her 'screw!'"
+
+  His wife declared he was most inhuman,
+  And, for her part, she should turn New Woman!
+  So she grew--to him--an emotional icicle,
+  And mounted knickers, and rode a bicycle.
+
+  The eldest son, an athletic young fellow,
+  Who had gained his "Blue," took at once to Yellow.
+  "Muscle," he said, in a tone despotic,
+  "Is beastly vulgaw; good form's Neurotic!"
+
+  The youngest daughter, a blue-eyed fairy--
+  (Her pies were prime, and her name was MARY--)
+  Now took to cricket, and cigarette-smoking,
+  And manly manners in togs--and joking.
+
+  The eldest one, of a statelier carriage,
+  Conceived quaint notions about "Group-marriage:"
+  "Since man's a satyr, and brings satiety,
+  The only virtue is--in _variety!_"
+
+  Another girl took to writing novels
+  On dirt in "dosses," and vice in hovels;
+  Varying the same with Kiplingy verses,
+  With ingenious rhymes to street-slang and curses.
+
+  The youngest boy, who was "only a nipper,"
+  Contributed "Art" to the "Sixpenny Snipper,"
+  Which his sisters said was "supremely delicious,
+  As a blend of the infantile and vicious."
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  The father died of his drudge and drink,
+  The wife broke her back at a skating rink;
+  And as to the slavey, whose name was 'TILDER,
+  She "thrilled"--on street-preaching and rum--till they killed her.
+
+  The eldest son read NORDAU and LOMBROSO,
+  Till his brain went shaky--'twas always so-so--
+  He imagines himself a pot of mustard,
+  Of which egomaniacs are making a custard.
+
+  The youngest daughter's an "Amazon Queen"
+  At the East-end Halls, and she's loud and lean;
+  The eldest--whose freedom all bonds would sully--
+  Is tied to--and thrashed by--a pugilist bully.
+
+  The writer of sensuous snippety novels,
+  In Grub Street gutters forlornly grovels;
+  The "Boy Genius of Gehenna," of the babbling boasters,
+  Turns a very poor penny by Stygian Posters!
+    O it _is_ a norrible tale!
+    And what do New Women and New Art avail?
+    Egomania-Tommyrotica is all a hum,
+    Half fiddle-de-dee, and half fi-fo-fum!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BANDS AND BOMBS.--How many Hungarian Bands are there about?
+There's a "Real Blue Hungarian" (does this mean a "True Blue," good old
+Tory, Band?)--there's an "Anglo-Hungarian," and a "White Hungarian." In
+fact, Hungarian Band "with variations." The Real Hung'ry-an'-Thirsty
+Bands are to be seen every night in the Feeding Places of the Indian
+Exhibition, Earl's Court, where, specially within the bowers of the al
+fresco Welcome Club, _can_ be served a very good dinner which _may_ be
+bettered; and, if you are a Lucullus, you _comme gourmet_ will have to
+Look-ullus-where for it. [N.B.--To get this jest well received give
+the dinner yourself, and towards the middle of the feast try the jape.
+They'll all laugh _en--mais après?_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "AYE! BUT HOW?"
+
+_Squire_ (_in dog-cart_). "HERE! YOU FOOL! HOLD HIS HEAD!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MISONEOGYNY.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--New Woman dead? Not a bit of it. Don't
+believe she ever existed. Never met her anywhere myself, and never met
+anybody who has. It's my belief there "ain't no sich person." Merely
+an idea or an influence, don't you know; and you can't shake hands, go
+into dinner, dance, or flirt with a poisonous influence, any more than
+you can with a bad smell. Whatever she is, though, afraid she's driven
+me into evil courses--rhymes. Here they are:--
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Oh, where is that horrible modern monstrosity,
+    Where is the woman whom people call "New,"
+  Who thinks, speaks, and acts with such utter atrocity,
+    Tell me, oh where are the "women who do"?
+  Half angry, half sad (upon grounds sentimental) man
+    Begs the New Woman to stoutly proclaim--
+  "No longer a lady, and not yet a gentleman"--
+    Where are the creatures who own to the name?
+  This monster has, surely, no lasting vitality,
+   Only existing in fancy and print;
+  It is just an unlovely abstract personality,
+    Coin from the end-of-the-century mint.
+  And, therefore, in physical prowess and mental, man
+    Owns her supremacy, calm and serene,
+  Because the New Woman is like the "Old Gentleman,"
+    Heard of more often--thank heaven--than seen.
+
+Shouldn't worry if I were "Misoneogynist." New woman fad nearly played
+out, only a black cloud floating across the blue sky of common sense.
+Nice idea, isn't it? Till cloud rolls by shall remain,
+
+  Yours cheerily,
+
+  A. BACHELOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "BOGEY-LAND OF SCIENCE."--From the _Glasgow Herald_:--
+
+ "The fourth meeting of the eleventh session of the Andersonian
+ Naturalists Society was held at 204, George Street, Professor G.
+ BELL TODD, M.B., C.M., President, in the chair. After the minutes
+ of last meeting had been read, Mr. ARCHIBALD SHANKS exhibited
+ an Ichthyodorulite of Gyracanthus."
+
+Plucky of Mr. SHANKS, that! As the Gyracanthus is an animal
+with both a fin and a spine, and it was captured in Ayr, it must be a
+sort of flying shark. How on earth did Mr. SHANKS get it to
+George Street? It ought to be called "By George Street!" in future.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE COLONEL'S" PARADOXICAL PURPOSE.--To convert West Leeds
+into "NORTH Leads."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TRUE SPORTSMAN'S TIP.
+
+  At anti-gambling "spoil-sports," loudly
+    The "sportsmen" they would spoil are fretting.
+  Good friends, though you protest so proudly,
+      The _true_ spoil-sport is--Betting!
+  Although it suit the baser sort,
+  What's sport to them is death to Sport!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Piccadilly Sports" is a headline conjuring up pleasant visions
+of races, and other jinks unconducive to the peace and comfort of
+law-abiding citizens--only authorised race in Piccadilly, the "purblind
+race of miserable men." Yet let no irate old gentleman storm the
+columns of the _Times_ with a tirade against the police and County
+Council on this account. Because there happens to be another Piccadilly
+up north. _Hinc (Piccad) illi ludi._ We shall expect to be reading
+shortly of "Holborn miners out on strike," "Heroic rescue by the Pall
+Mall lifeboat," or "A serious affray with poachers at Paddington."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ELECTION INTELLIGENCE.
+
+TOBY ONCE MORE M.P.
+
+On Monday the Electors of Barkshire assembled in the great hall
+of their county town to elect a Member to serve in the Fourteenth
+Parliament of Queen VICTORIA. The High Sheriff presided.
+Owing to the constitutional rule which forbids Peers to take part
+in Parliamentary electoral proceedings, the Lord Lieutenant of the
+county was precluded from showing himself on the platform. It was said
+that, indisposed to be entirely out of so interesting and popular
+an event, his lordship was present disguised as a tide-waiter. Our
+representative, however, did not observe in the throng any person in
+nautical dress.
+
+[Illustration: "Carried unanimously."]
+
+The hall, which was crowded to its utmost capacity, was gaily decorated
+with flags. Across the full length of the hall was suspended a banner
+bearing the proud device "BARKS'S IS WILLIN'."
+
+Our esteemed ex-Member was accompanied on the platform by the principal
+county gentry of all shades of political opinion. On taking his seat in
+the front row of chairs, he was received with rounds of Kentish fire,
+made in Barkshire. Having been proposed and seconded in eulogistic
+terms, report of which he has expressed a desire we should suppress,
+the High Sheriff inquired if any elector desired to propose another
+candidate?
+
+"I should think not," said a burly Barkshire farmer, ominously grasping
+a stout blackthorn.
+
+After this no one seemed disposed to move, and the High Sheriff
+declared TOBY, M.P., duly elected. There were loud cries for
+the Member, who, overcoming natural and usually insuperable diffidence,
+got on his hind legs.
+
+"Brother electors," he said, "it is an old saying, 'What Barkshire
+thinks to-day, England will do to-morrow.' Obviously some inaccuracy
+underlies the aphorism, since whilst you have to-day thought me
+worthy of being elected your Member, it's no use England coming
+round to-morrow and asking me to represent it in the Commons House
+of Parliament. This is the fourth time Barkshire has done me this
+honour; and base indeed is the man--(_A Voice, 'Who pays'_)--who could
+be insensible to such testimony of confidence and esteem. Brother
+electors--(_A Voice, 'Who stole the Emperor William's uniform?'
+Disturbance at the end of the hall. Another Voice, 'Chuck him out.'_)
+No, electors of Barkshire, let him stay. If he is put outside, he
+loses the opportunity of observing your behaviour, and learning how
+gentlemen comport themselves when publicly assembled in discharge of
+a solemn duty. (_Loud cheers. A Voice, 'That fetches 'em!'_) I was
+about to observe, when our friend's feelings temporarily overcame him,
+that since I entered the room I have had a number of questions handed
+up to me. They are a little late, since I am no longer a candidate
+but am duly elected. That, however unusual the case may be, makes no
+difference. The first question is: 'Will you, if elected, see that
+every man in Barkshire over fifty years of age has three acres of
+the best land in the parish, with a cow for every adult child and a
+calf a-piece for each infant in arms?' Certainly; I hope I may live
+to see established those desirable conditions as between man and man.
+(_Cheers._) Another esteemed friend asks: 'Do you understand Local Veto
+to mean that a man may go into the public-house, take his noggin or
+what not, and when asked to pay may refuse?' I could not if I tried put
+my views on the situation more clearly. The Veto, as you all know, is
+a Latin word meaning to _vete_, or, as we say in English, to refuse to
+stump up. A public-house is, according to 19 Vict. c. 190, a locality.
+Local Veto is, therefore, the inalienable right of the English citizen
+as defined by my friend. (_Loud cheers._) 'Are you in favour of
+Equalisation of the Rates?' To be frank with you, my idea of rates is
+that they should be equalised to the extent that makes them absolutely
+impalpable. (_'No, no.' 'Yes, yes.' Uproar under the gallery. Cries
+of_ 'JUDAS!' _A free fight, during which a man was ejected,
+omitting to take his coat with him._) Don't put him out; don't put
+anyone out. If there's a renewal of the interruption, form a ring round
+the man; then we will see where we are. Here's another question: 'Do
+you approve of Ice Creams made in foreign prisons smuggled over here in
+barrel-organs and ground out in our streets, ruining the digestion of
+our working men?' That is a question which hardly seems to need reply
+from a patriotic Englishman. But I will say--and you observe I say it
+emphatically--No. (_Loud cheering._) 'Are you in favour of a Second
+Chamber, or do you go the length of Tenification?' That is a very nice
+question. It shows how deeply and intelligently the men of Barkshire
+study the questions of the day. It is not a matter on which I, for one,
+care to dogmatize; I will therefore content myself with saying, that
+between two and ten we might find the happy medium. (_More cheering,
+the audience rising to their feet, waving hats and handkerchiefs._)
+Now, gentlemen, that's all the questions I have, and I hope you'll
+agree that I have answered them frankly. Ah! here's another one coming
+up. (_A dirty piece of paper is passed from hand to hand till it
+reached the hon. Member._) 'Could you lend me five bob till Saturday
+night?' (_Laughter, in which the hon. Member heartily joined._) I
+think, gentlemen, it is time we now proposed a vote of thanks to the
+High Sheriff." (_This was carried unanimously, and the meeting broke
+up. A torch-light procession conducted the popular member to his family
+seat, The Kennel, Barks._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITERARY TURN.
+
+There was a case in the Edinburgh Court of Session the other day,
+which shows what is thought of authors north of the Tweed--and not by
+publishers, either. A witness remarked of a "defender" that "he was of
+a literary turn of mind, and he thought that spoiled him." Many persons
+have had similar thoughts, but they have generally refrained from
+uttering them quite so bluntly.
+
+  Mistress HATHAWAY rejoiced in a daughter christened ANNE,
+    Whose proceedings she regarded with concern;
+  Quoth she--"That WILLUM SHAKSPEARE as a son-in-law I ban.
+    Why? Because he has a literary turn."
+
+  Growled Sir W-LL-M, on perusal of a certain _Life of Pitt_--
+    "Well, we all unquestionably live and learn;
+  But, in spite of DIZZY'S precedent, I don't believe one bit
+    In a Premier with a literary turn."
+
+  Said W-LS-L-Y, when a recent work he blankly had surveyed--
+    "To answer this biography I yearn.
+  What an admirable soldier H-ML-Y might, perhaps, have made,
+    If he had not had a literary turn!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"JUST ON THE CARDS."--Herr IFF'S orchestra. In how
+uncertain a state of mind would a telegram from Herr IFF leave
+the giver of the entertainment who, having requested wire informing
+him whether Herr IFF and his band could come, should receive
+this reply: "_If can come will be there at hour stated._" This supposes
+that some well-informed, grammatical, telegraphic young lady-clerk has
+corrected the spelling of "IFF." _À propos_ of IFF, a
+complete entertainment would be a recital by the Veteran HOWE
+of WATTS' poems, accompanied by IFF'S band; and a
+reading from _Le Château d'If_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTELLIGIBLE, BUT NOT CLEAR.--"I think," said Mrs. R.'s
+married niece, "that good singing is quite wasted on an ordinary
+evening party. Now I remember an evening when SANTLEY sang in
+a crowded drawing-room at our house, and _a pin might have dropped!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DECISION. THE DR. G. TESTIMONIAL.--The _D. T._ is a good
+judge of popular sentiment, and, attired as a Judge, is _D. T. ermined_
+that '95 shall be remembered as "_the_ Year of GRACE."
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+109, July 20, 1895, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 44673-8.txt or 44673-8.zip *****
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+    <title>
+      The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109. July 20, 1895, by Various.
+    </title>
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109,
+July 20, 1895, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, July 20, 1895
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: January 15, 2014 [EBook #44673]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <p class="ph2">Vol. 109.</p>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <p class="ph2">July 20, 1895.</p>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph4"><a name="TO_A_LADY_HUMORIST" id="TO_A_LADY_HUMORIST">TO A LADY HUMORIST.</a></p>
+
+
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Your laugh would chase away the blues,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Your smile is always sunny,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">One must be gay&mdash;who could refuse?</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Your "mission" is just to amuse;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Discarding all blue-stocking views,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">You fancy what is funny.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">You have no fads on Man's Descent</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">From something quite atomic,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">On Diet, Disestablishment,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">On Dress, Diminishing of Rent,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Divorce or Dockyard Discontent&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">You seek for something comic.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">You wear no hygienic shoe,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Your dress is never frightful,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Your sense of humour makes you too</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Alive to what you should not do,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">You laugh at folks, not they at you,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">You write what's quite delightful.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">So laugh, and always make us gay;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Stern women are alarming,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The boldest men, I need not say,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Are simply scared by such as they,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">You do not bore us, anyway.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Your conversation's charming.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 374px;">
+<a href="images/025full.jpg">
+
+<img src="images/025.jpg" width="374" height="500" alt="SPORTING EVENT&mdash;A RECORD" /></a>
+<div class="caption"><p class="ph4">SPORTING EVENT&mdash;A RECORD.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">She Won the Sweep!</span></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Unmetrical Adaptation of Robbie Burns' celebrated Line to the "New
+Woman," whether in male attire on or off Bicycle, in her Club, driving
+her trap, &amp;c., &amp;c.</i>&mdash;"A woman's a woman for a' that."</p>
+
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+
+
+<p class="ph4">OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</p>
+
+<p>Of Mr. <span class="smcap">Athol Mayhew's</span> <i>History of Punch</i> the Baron can
+at present say nothing, no copy of this work having as yet been
+brought to Our Booking Office, and without a ticket-of-leave, or
+ticket-for-leaves, granted by <i>Mr. Punch</i> himself, per the Baron de
+B.-W., the book of <span class="smcap">Mahu</span> ("<span class="smcap">Modo</span> he is called and
+<span class="smcap">Mahu</span>," as <span class="smcap">Shirley Brooks</span> used to quote from <i>King
+Lear</i>) will not have received <i>the</i> "imprimatur." Already it appears,
+as we read in a letter from Mr. <span class="smcap">Henry Spielmann</span> (who, if any
+man living knows anything about <i>Mr. Punch's</i> history, is the Punchian
+Biographer and Historian <i>par excellence</i> and "by appointment") to the
+<i>Daily Chronicle</i>, Friday, July 12, that in Mr. <span class="smcap">Mayhew's</span> book
+there are numerous errors on important matters. "<i>Mayhew-manum est
+errare.</i>" But "Herr <span class="smcap">Von Spielmann</span> will put him right in his
+forthcoming book," says</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<span class="smcap">The Judicious<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 6em;">Baron de Book-Worms</span>.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Covent Garden Opera Proverb.</span>&mdash;"When in doubt play <i>Faust</i>."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Happy Thought!</span>" (<i>Apropos of a recent case in the Marylebone
+Police Court</i>).&mdash;What a good title for an old-fashioned pantomime in
+the East End (where <i>the</i> real pantomimes used to be): "<i>Harlequin and
+the Mysterious Manx Mannikins; or, Snapshot and the Demon Camera!</i>"</p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">BRIGGS, OF BALLIOL.</p>
+
+<p class="ph4"><span class="smcap">Part II.</span></p>
+
+<p>Two years passed, and never a syllable could I learn of
+<span class="smcap">Briggs</span>. Then I met <span class="smcap">Trotter</span> of Trinity at Piccadilly
+Circus. "By the way," said he, "I suppose you have heard about poor
+old <span class="smcap">Briggs</span>?" "No!" I cried. "What of him?" "Oh, I thought you
+would be sure to know, or I would have broken it to you more gently."
+"Why?" I asked, with apprehension. "Has anything happened to him?"
+"Well," he replied, with some hesitation, "I&mdash;er&mdash;I hardly like to tell
+you. You were such a friend of his." "You don't mean to say that he
+is&mdash;&mdash;?" "Dead? No, poor fellow, not dead exactly, but worse than that,
+I fear. He has become a New Man, you see." I looked at <span class="smcap">Trotter</span>
+in bewilderment. "Why, you see, he is married&mdash;yes, he married the
+<span class="smcap">O'Gress</span>, you know. Poor <span class="smcap">Briggs</span>! I saw him yesterday,
+and, upon my word, I should scarcely have known him. But go and see him
+yourself; you will never believe my story."</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Trotter</span> wrote me the address on a card, and the next day
+I called. The maid looked somewhat surprised when I asked for Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Briggs</span>. He was at home, oh, yes, he was at home, but she
+didn't know whether he could see me or not, as he was feeding the
+baby. This announcement rather staggered me, but I pulled myself
+together sufficiently to assure her that I was an old friend of Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Briggs</span>; and, on learning this, she asked me to walk upstairs.
+"This is the nursery," she said, when we had reached the topmost
+storey. "You will find Mr. <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> inside."</p>
+
+<p>I opened the door, and what a scene greeted me! There was
+<span class="smcap">Briggs</span>, my old friend <span class="smcap">Briggs</span>, the gallant
+<span class="smcap">Briggs</span> of Balliol, rocking ceaselessly to and fro the while
+he crooned in a low monotone to a bundle of pins and flannel that
+lay cradled in his arms. I sprang forward to grip him by the hand.
+He laid his finger on his lips, and in an agonised whisper murmured,
+"Sh!&mdash;You'll wake the baby!" I controlled myself, and sank into a
+chair, to which he motioned me. <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> hushed the infant
+anxiously for a minute or two until it was well asleep; then he turned
+to me, and with a sickly smile whispered, "I'm glad to see you,
+<span class="smcap">Robinson</span>, but please talk very gently, for fear of waking the
+Cutsababoo."</p>
+
+<p>It grieved me to hear poor <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> talk in this fashion, but
+there were a thousand questions I was burning to ask him.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, <span class="smcap">Briggs</span>, why did you leave Balliol so suddenly?" "Sh!"
+he answered, looking nervously round him. "<i>She</i> took me away." "And
+why did you never write to anyone?" "Sh! <i>She</i> forbade me." "Forbade
+you?" "Yes, yes, indeed. Oh, <span class="smcap">Robinson</span>, you do not know my
+wife!" I was inwardly thanking my stars that I had not this honour when
+<span class="smcap">Briggs</span>, overcome with his emotion, suddenly flung up his arms
+and covered his face with his hands. The action upset the equilibrium
+of the baby, which rolled off his lap, fell on the floor, and awoke
+with a scream. With a cry of dismay <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> caught up the
+bundle, and tossed it violently up and down, addressing it the while in
+such intelligible terms as these&mdash;"And did it wake its darling ducky
+Cutsababoo, it did! It was a naughty cruel Dada, it was!"</p>
+
+<p>It would be hard to say which made the greater noise, <span class="smcap">Briggs</span>
+or the baby; but <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> had the staying power, and after
+a fight the baby gave it up. <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> gazed at it as it lay
+exhausted in his arms, then turning to me, he said, "I think the
+Cutsababoo has done crying now, <span class="smcap">Robinson</span>. Will you excuse me
+if I sing him to by-byes?" In olden days <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> had a glorious
+baritone voice, and to hear him sing the Balliol Boating Song was a
+musical treat. I therefore readily agreed to stay and listen. "The
+Duckydoo is very particular," explained <span class="smcap">Briggs</span>. "He will only
+go to sleep to his own ickle tune, <i>The New Lullaby</i>."</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Mummy has gone to the city,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Cutsaba&mdash;Cutsababoo!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But Mummy will think of her Pretty,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And buy him a little toy too.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Daddy will dandle the Darling,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And show him his beautiful toy.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Hushaby, Pet! Baby, don't fret!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Sleepery, Peepery Boy!</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Mummy is making the money,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Cutsaba&mdash;Cutsababoo!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To buy a new bonnet for sonny,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">A jacket for Daddykins too.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Daddy will dandle the Darling,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And show him his beautiful toy.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Hushaby, Pet! Baby, don't fret!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Sleepery, Peepery Boy!"</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Briggs</span> had just reached the end of the second verse when his
+keenly sensitive ear caught the sound of a latchkey turning in the
+door. A look of terror crossed his face. "It's <i>she!</i> It's <i>she!</i>" he
+cried. "Oh, <span class="smcap">Robinson</span>, if she finds you here! Oh, if you love
+me, fly!" I needed no second bidding. With a hasty grip of the hand I
+bade my friend farewell, and this is the last that has been seen of
+<span class="smcap">Briggs</span> of Balliol.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 730px;">
+<a href="images/026full.jpg">
+
+<img src="images/026.jpg" width="700" height="491" alt="THE MODERN MAID OF ATHEN" /></a>
+<p class="ph4">THE MODERN MAID OF ATHENS.</p>
+
+
+<p><i>John Bull</i> (<i>hesitatingly</i>). "<span class="smcap">Maid of Athens, ere we
+'part'</span>&mdash;&mdash;"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+
+<i>Maid of Athens</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). "<span class="smcap">Think what you owe to Attic
+Art?.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><br />[ the invitation of H.R.H. the Prince of <span class="smcap">Wales</span>, a large
+meeting of these interested in the British School of Art at Athens was
+held on July 9 in St. James's Palace. The Prince of <span class="smcap">Wales</span>
+said: "I sincerely hope we may soon hear that the School has been
+placed in an assured position for ever."&mdash;<i>Times Report.</i>]</p></div>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 341px;">
+<a href="images/027full.jpg">
+<img src="images/027.jpg" width="341" height="500" alt="A LABOUR OF LOVE" /></a>
+<p class="ph4">A LABOUR OF LOVE!</p>
+
+<p><i>Benevolent Lady</i> (<i>who has with infinite trouble organised a Country
+Excursion for some overworked London Dressmakers</i>). "<span class="smcap">Then mind
+you're at the Station at Nine to-morrow, Eliza. I do hope it won't
+Rain!</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap"><i>Rine</i>, Miss! I 'owp not, to be sure! The Country's bad enough
+when it's <i>Foine</i>, yn't it, Miss?</span>"</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">CUE FOR CANVASSERS.</p>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>By a Cynic.</i>)</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>["In all the doubtful constituencies the result may be regarded as
+depending largely upon the persuasion and argument brought to bear upon
+individual electors."&mdash;<i>The Yorkshire Post.</i>]</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Persuasion? Argument? Very nice names</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For Radical Caucusites, Primrose Dames,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And other retailers of party riddles,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Ex parte</i> statements, and taradiddles!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Gregarious voters, of old bribes did you all;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Now argument deals with the "individual."</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With the man&mdash;or his wife&mdash;you must seek occasion,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Canvasser clever, to try "persuasion."</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To "argue" that <span class="smcap">Bloggs</span> is the likeliest chap</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To pour prosperity into your lap;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To "persuade" the Missus that that <span class="smcap">McQuirk</span></span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Will deprive her "man" of his beer <i>and</i> work!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Oh, sweet are the virtues, upon occasion,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of moral (or even <i>im</i>moral) 'suasion!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">When blankets run out and when money's all spent,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Then, then comes the value of "argument."</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And if the "argument" takes the form</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of orders and jobs in a perfect storm;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And when "persuasion" the future gauges</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A promise of liquor and higher wages;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Why, then the result is the same almost,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">'Twixt you and me, and the (<i>Yorkshire</i>) <i>Post!</i></span><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Daly Sacrifice to Shakspeare.</span>&mdash;Again, thanks to the
+enterprise of Mr. <span class="smcap">Augustin Daly</span>, one of <span class="smcap">Shakspeare's</span>
+comedies is rendered resplendent with appropriate accessories. <i>A
+Midsummer Night's Dream</i>, furnished with new illustrations, and
+sparingly curtailed by necessary "cuts," becomes more poetical than
+ever. Miss <span class="smcap">Ada Rehan</span> is a "dream" in herself, and Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Lewis</span>, as an American playing in England, becomes "translated"
+every evening to the complete satisfaction of an appreciating and
+crowded audience. The play should run from Midsummer into Michaelmas.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p class="ph4">A HENLEY BARCAROLLE.</p>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>By a Parasyllabic Swain.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">My lovylade, I peg and bray</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That you will pun my joint to-day;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And we will, dreaming o'er the stodge,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In some remote lackwater bodge.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">We'll take a man <span class="smcap">Joe</span>, bandoline,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And hick-cup, as we slop between</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The bangled tanks&mdash;we'll sink and drip,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And strum the things on board our ship.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">List to my lovesick, mew, and come</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Far from the giddy, higgling gum!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Relaying hearses, we will croon,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And through each glowering hide we'll <i>spoon!</i></span><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Advertisement (<i>in "Standard"</i>).&mdash;"<i>Great Yarmouth. Small House. Close
+Aquarium and sea. Servant left.</i>" Who was there when "servant left"?
+Also why "close Aquarium and sea"? Perhaps easy but unwise to close the
+former, but quite impossible to shut up the latter.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">"Good Bis"-ley. "Tell that to the Marines."</span>&mdash;The United
+Services Cup was adjudged to the Marines at Bisley. In this competition
+the Marines were the best, "all told."</p>
+
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Smoking Christian Concert.</span>&mdash;In these smoking hot July days a
+Smoking Mission seems a good notion. Yet the Baccy-nalian missionaries
+may probably have to say, "We have pipe'd unto you, and you have not
+responded," except as long as the supply held out. Will there be
+distributed tracts entitled <i>A Bird's Eye View of Heaven</i>, <i>A Short Cut
+to Truth</i>, <i>Returns to Virtue</i>, <i>What is Life?</i>&mdash;<i>A Mixture!</i></p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Proverb à propos of latest New Waltz, "King Gretchen.</span>"&mdash;"It's
+the last <span class="smcap">Strauss</span> that breaks the record."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bawbees across the Border.</span>&mdash;The <i>Dundee Advertiser</i> has
+recently published a table showing the distribution of Ministerial
+salaries amongst Peers, Liberal Unionists, and Scotchmen. According
+to our canny contemporary, "Scotland fares badly in the new
+Administration." The reason for this lament is found in the fact
+that the share of Caledonia&mdash;"the spoil is taken chiefly by the Clan
+Balfour," remarks the <i>D. A.</i>&mdash;amounts only to £12,425. And yet this
+sum represents the "banging" of a good many "saxpences." North Britain
+is unreasonable!</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph3">WASTING HER SWEETNESS.</p>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>An Electioneering Study.</i>)</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Argument.</span>&mdash;Mrs. <span class="smcap">Horace Honeyball</span>, wife of the
+Liberal Candidate for a Metropolitan Working-class Constituency, has
+undertaken in her husband's interests a house-to-house canvass in
+Bodgers' Buildings.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. H. H.</i> (<i>to herself, as she threads her way through a grove
+of drying linen</i>). "I do <i>wish</i> they would hang out their washing
+somewhere else&mdash;it's absolute ruin to one's hat! What a depressing
+place&mdash;but then they're all the more likely to be on our side. Have
+I got my canvassing cards and the bundle of leaflets? Yes&mdash;then I'd
+better begin.... How do you <i>do</i>, Mr. <span class="smcap">Dollop</span>?... No, <i>please</i>
+don't move&mdash;I see I've come upon you all at your tea. So refreshing
+on a warm afternoon like this!... No, not any for me, thanks, I never
+touch it&mdash;and besides, I had some before I came out, you know....
+Oh, never mind about wiping a chair for me, Mrs. <span class="smcap">Dollop</span>....
+Yes, <i>quite</i> comfortable, I assure you. What a delightful home you
+have, with all those charming coloured pictures on the wall, and so
+<i>beautifully</i> clean, too!... Ah, if you only knew the trouble and worry
+of a great house and a whole tribe of servants.... But you mustn't
+say that; <i>no</i> one need despair of getting on nowadays, you know. And
+this is your little boy and girl? such bright, intelligent little
+faces. Jam <i>is</i> so wholesome for them, isn't it?... <span class="smcap">Halbut</span> and
+<span class="smcap">Halice</span>? Really! such pretty names <i>I</i> always think; and both
+beginning with&mdash;er&mdash;H.... Well, yes, <i>I have</i> called on some particular
+business. I daresay, now, Mr. <span class="smcap">Dollop</span>, you're quite a
+politician.... A plasterer? Now, <i>how</i> delightful! Because I must tell
+you that my husband.... No, I'm afraid <i>not</i>. You see, we've only just
+had the whole house thoroughly done up. I was only going to say that my
+husband has such a respect for plasterers as a class, you know. Haven't
+I mentioned who he is? <i>How</i> stupid of me! He's Mr. <span class="smcap">Honeyball</span>,
+the Radical Candidate for this place.... Yes, I've come about the
+elections, of course. Oh, but you <i>ought</i> to care; I'm sure you're far
+too intelligent a man to be really indifferent who represents you in
+Parliament! And my husband is so devoted to the working-classes; it's
+been quite the aim of his life to do something for them. His motto is,
+'Trust the People.'... Oh, <i>dear</i> me, no&mdash;he's not a <i>shopkeeper</i>&mdash;he's
+at the Bar.... Certainly <i>not</i>. He's in favour of doing away with
+public-houses. He's a barrister&mdash;a <i>lawyer</i>, you know.... Ah, but
+perhaps you haven't been fortunate in such lawyers as you've <i>met</i>....
+Well, but you wouldn't like the <i>Tories</i> to get in, <i>would</i> you?... But
+they've <i>had</i> their 'innings,' as you call it; they've been in a whole
+fortnight&mdash;and what have they <i>done</i>?... And if the Liberal Government
+is kept out, what will become of all the great reforms they've been
+trying to give you?... Well, there's Home Rule, for <i>one</i>.... Surely
+you're in favour of letting the Irish manage their own affairs?... No,
+that's <i>such</i> a mistake; they <i>won't</i> want to manage ours&mdash;at least,
+except Imperial matters&mdash;and why <i>shouldn't</i> they?... All that can so
+easily be settled afterwards.... Don't you call 'One man one vote' a
+great reform?... Isn't it monstrous that some people should have five
+or six votes, while you only have one?... It's foolish to say they're
+'welcome to them,' like that, when they only use them to deprive you
+of your rights.... Then there's Welsh Disestablishment.... Oh, if you
+really can't see the immense importance of it, all I can say is, I'm
+extremely sorry.... Yes, I'm going now, and I hope, before the election
+day comes, you will have learnt to take a more enlightened&mdash;&mdash;<i>Good</i>
+afternoon."</p>
+
+<p>"I'm so glad to have found you at home, Mr. <span class="smcap">Bilger</span>. I'm
+Mrs. <span class="smcap">Honeyball</span>, and I want you to support my husband at the
+election&mdash;he's standing as a Liberal, you know.... Oh, yes, I think
+I can tell you his views on the Liquor Traffic. He's anxious to see
+the curse of drinking thoroughly stamped out.... No, I'm sure you're
+no friend to publicans&mdash;you look <i>far</i> too respectable.... Yes, as you
+say, they get rich on the earnings of the poor, and it's high time
+they were done away with.... <i>Certainly</i> you may ask me a question....
+No, of course my husband would not <i>dream</i> of putting down Clubs: he
+belongs to several himself.... Oh, you meant <i>Working-men's</i> Clubs. You
+belong to one yourself? So <i>sensible</i> of you!&mdash;and of course there can
+be no possible objection, so long as no intoxicating liquor&mdash;&mdash;<i>Not</i>
+conducted on Teetotal principles? I'm afraid that <i>would</i> make a
+difference.... Why? Because, don't you <i>see</i>, if people can go and
+join Clubs, and get drink there, there would be no use in closing the
+public-houses, <i>would</i> there? We must be <i>logical</i>.... No <i>doubt</i>
+intoxicating drinks are supplied in Clubs, but I don't see what <i>that</i>
+has to do with it.... My husband? No, he's not a total abstainer, but
+still&mdash;&mdash;... No, no; it's not a question of one law for the Rich and
+another for the Poor at <i>all</i>. You don't quite <i>understand</i>.... If
+you <i>really</i> have heard enough, I'll go, of course.... Not at all. If
+anything I've said has helped you in making up your mind, I'm only
+too&mdash;&mdash;Don't trouble to come to the door!"</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 328px;">
+<a href="images/028full.jpg">
+
+<img src="images/028.jpg" width="328" height="450" alt="&quot;I love the smell of tobacco" /></a>
+<div class="caption"><p class="ph4">"I <i>love</i> the smell of tobacco!"</p></div>
+</div>
+<p>"Mrs. <span class="smcap">Mangles</span>, I think? Your husband <i>not</i> at home, I
+see. It doesn't matter&mdash;you will do <i>quite</i> as well. I'm Mrs.
+<span class="smcap">Honeyball</span>.... Oh, you <i>have</i> heard the name.... Seen my
+husband's picture on the placards? Oh, you're not taking a liberty in
+the very <i>least</i>. I shall be only too <i>delighted</i> to give you one. He
+<i>is</i> rather nice-looking, isn't he? I'll tell you what I'll do&mdash;when
+I get home, I'll send you one of his photographs to put on your
+mantelpiece.... Oh, I <i>don't</i> think I should have it coloured, if I
+were you.... But his hair and moustache aren't <i>auburn</i>, and what <i>do</i>
+you want to put him in a red tunic for?... Really? The living image of
+your first young man? He <i>will</i> be flattered!... You've had several
+since? I can quite believe <i>that</i>.... Well, if you will promise to get
+your husband to give me his vote, perhaps&mdash;&mdash;<i>Why</i> should I have to go
+to the&mdash;er&mdash;'Cimingtery' for it?... Last Christmas?&mdash;<i>dear</i> me! I'm
+very sorry I&mdash;&mdash;Good-bye, Mrs. <span class="smcap">Mangles</span>; and&mdash;er&mdash;if I <i>do</i>
+find I have a photograph to spare&mdash;&mdash;but the portrait of him on that
+leaflet is really more <i>like</i>, you know!"</p>
+
+
+
+
+<p>"No, don't put <i>down</i> your pipe, Mr. <span class="smcap">Gowles</span>; I&mdash;I <i>love</i>
+the smell of tobacco!... You weren't <i>intending</i> to&mdash;how friendly of
+you!... I daresay you don't know who <i>I</i> am?... Perhaps not, but you'll
+let me <i>tell</i> you, won't you?... I've come to ask you to vote for my
+husband, Mr. <span class="smcap">Honeyball</span>; he's not a <i>Tory</i>, you know, he's a
+thorough-going Radical.... Not going to vote for either of them?&mdash;Now
+<i>why</i>?... Oh, no, I'm <i>sure</i> you're not&mdash;you're <i>much</i> too pleasant
+and gentlemanly to be a horrid Socialist!... You want everything done
+away with? Well, the Liberals <i>are</i> going to abolish a lot of things.
+There's the House of Lords, for instance, you're against <i>them</i>,
+I'm sure.... Not more than you are against the House of Commons?
+Oh, but you don't <i>really</i> want to destroy one of our most ancient
+institutions!... Capitalists? oh, they're sharks and bloodsuckers and
+landgrabbers and all that, I <i>quite</i> agree with you there&mdash;only they're
+all <i>Tories</i>, you know.... Why shouldn't you share in all the wealth
+you're assisting to produce? Why are you to be robbed of the product
+of your brain and hands?&mdash;I really don't know&mdash;it's very wrong, no
+doubt&mdash;what <i>do</i> you produce?... Oh,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> you're a bill-poster? I <i>see</i>.
+Now don't get excited.... Your only hope is in the Gospel of Hate?...
+Now <i>really</i>, such a <i>disagreeable</i> thing to say!... If I could only
+bring you to see that by voting for the Liberals&mdash;&mdash;... I'm <i>not</i>
+a smooth-tongued humbug, and it's extremely rude of you to call me
+anything of the kind.... I never said you hadn't a perfect right to
+vote as you pleased.... Very <i>well</i>, then, <i>keep</i> your horrible vote,
+I'm sure <i>I</i> don't want it! (<i>To herself, as she departs.</i>) I shall go
+home. If I see any more of these people, I shall find I've turned into
+a rabid Tory&mdash;and I'm sure <span class="smcap">Horace</span> wouldn't like that!"</p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">OPERATIC NOTES.</p>
+
+<p><i>Monday</i> memorable for <span class="smcap">Melba</span>. Never sang better than as
+mad-as-a-hatter heroine of <span class="smcap">Donizetti's</span> <i>Lucia di Lammermoor</i>.
+Three hearty, deafening, unanimous encores for the brilliant
+fireworky Hanwellian vocalisation in <span class="smcap">Lucy's</span> (not "<span class="smcap">H.
+W. Lucy's</span>," of the <i>D. N.</i>, but Miss <span class="smcap">Lucia's</span>) great
+<i>de lunatico inquirendo</i> scena. After encore, inevitable gigantic
+basket of flowers handed up to triumphant cantatrice by Beaming
+<span class="smcap">Bevignani</span> and talented assistants in orchestra. Conductor and
+musicians ought not to be used as agents for delivery of bouquets to
+<i>prime donne</i>. If somebody among audience wishes to publicly present
+singer with floral testimonial, why not let that Somebody step forward
+(as the person in church who would "forbid the banns" is invited to do)
+and hand it to her himself on a stick? Or if he be in some other part
+of the house, <span class="smcap">Dulcissimus Druriolanus</span> would himself introduce
+him and his basket of flowers on to, and off, the stage. The encores
+and the floral testimonial quite turned mad heroine's head.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 265px;">
+<a href="images/029full.jpg">
+
+<img src="images/029.jpg" width="265" height="350" alt="alvé à la &quot;'Ria.&quot;" /></a>
+<p class="center">alvé à la "'Ria."</p></div>
+
+
+
+<p>That is, so turned it round again that she became quite sane and
+chatted amicably with two or three of the leading chorus "up stage"
+until it suddenly occurred to her that she must go mad again, which she
+did at once, most effectively. After this "<i>Fra poco</i>," the swan-like
+(if swan a tenor) death-song of <i>Edgardo</i>, cannot go for its value
+unless sung by a most popular and highly-gifted tenor. So it stands
+to the credit of Signor <span class="smcap">Dash-my-Vignas</span> that, in this, he was
+enthusiastically applauded, and soon after "laid him down and dee'd"
+in the midst of an admiring and more-or-less sympathetic Chorus.
+Great opera for Chorus giving expression to their feelings. How they
+cry or laugh, and point and gesticulate and threaten and sympathise
+as guests in low dresses without anything distinctively Scotch about
+them, except in the case of one lady over whose shoulder I fancy I
+detected a tartan scarf of clannish pattern. <i>Normanno</i>, played by, I
+think, <span class="smcap">Iginio Corsi</span> (which name, in compliment to the national
+Scotch liquor, ought to have been changed to "<span class="smcap">Iwiskio Corsi</span>"),
+bore remarkable resemblance to Markis o' <span class="smcap">Salisbury</span>. I do
+not remember ever having seen or heard Lord <span class="smcap">Salisbury</span> as
+a vocalist. To be remembered as <i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Melba</span> Night of the
+Season&mdash;up to now.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Calvé</span> as <i>Carmen</i> simply perfect. That is
+all I have to say; like the Raven (not <i>Barnaby Rudge's</i>, but
+<span class="smcap">Edgar A. Poe's</span>), I announce "Only this, and Nothing More."
+And <span class="smcap">Alvarez</span> as <i>José</i>, "Gentleman <span class="smcap">Joe</span>," who does
+not drive, but is driven to madness, first-rate; in last scene,
+struggle and assassination most thrilling, dramatically: even
+stall-by-the-season'd opera-goers holding breath, and clutching at
+backs of seats. Audience, ordinarily indifferent to fate of heroine
+in last act, wait till bitter end. They only quit when quite sure
+<i>Carmen</i> cannot possibly sing any more. Madame <span class="smcap">Melba</span>,
+who, "<i>by request of the Management</i>"&mdash;how modestly is this put,
+<span class="smcap">O Druriolanus Operaticus!</span>&mdash;"<i>has kindly consented to play
+Michaela</i>," exceeded the terms of her amiable contract, as she not only
+"played" <i>Michaela</i>, but sang the music superbly, her singing being
+faultless, which her "playing" was not. Mossoo <span class="smcap">Albers</span> rather
+out of it as <i>Escamillo</i>, and <i>Toréador</i> was not an Encoreador, whereat
+<i>Toréador non contento</i>. All the principals sang in French, "knowing
+the language," but clever Chorus stuck to Italian. <i>Benissimo!</i>
+<span class="smcap">Bevignani</span> beaming, and beating time. House crowded; elections
+and political parties disturb not the harmony of Covent Garden. Yet
+"last week but one" announced, and end in view. <span class="smcap">Wagstaff</span>,
+seeing <span class="smcap">Calvé</span> in first act with scarf or belt round waist,
+suggests riddle, "Why is <span class="smcap">Calvé</span> a perfect <i>Carmen?</i>" Before
+you can break away from him, without damage to your button-hole,
+he answers, "Because she plays the part with <i>a-band-on</i>." <i>Exit</i>
+<span class="smcap">Wagstaff</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;<i>Pagliacci.</i>&mdash;A new <i>Nedda</i> in Mlle. <span class="smcap">Zélie de
+Lussan</span>. <i>Nedda</i> is rather a Loose'un, and Mlle. <span class="smcap">Zélie</span>
+is as good a <i>Nedda</i> as you can get "when t'other dear charmer's
+away." Then to follow, <span class="smcap">Calvé</span> in <i>Calvé-'lleria Rusticana</i>
+admirably dramatic. Can't believe this Magdalenish saint-like woman can
+possibly be that deuce of a young woman, <i>Carmen</i>, of t'other night.
+But "<i>F&oelig;mina varium et mutabile</i> (also <i>cantabile</i>) <i>semper</i>." All
+the others good as ever, specially <span class="smcap">Giulia Ravogli</span>, as the gay
+<i>Lo-la-li-ety</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">SCRAPS FROM CHAPS.</p>
+
+<p>The hedgehog is sometimes accused of helping himself to a drink from
+a recumbent cow, but his larger relative, the domestic pig, is to be
+even still more commended for his enterprise. According to the <i>Western
+Daily Mercury</i>, in a farmyard in the parish of Uffculme a pig was
+observed to rear on his hind legs and suck milk from a cow. This sight
+must have enormously impressed the spectator. But it ought to have been
+a dog.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Surely a Radical Unionist is a new departure in politics. Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Strauss</span>, who is opposing Mr. <span class="smcap">Conybeare</span>, M.P. for
+the Camborne division of Cornwall, in reply to a question at Cusgarne
+said that he was a Radical Unionist, but the name Liberal was good
+enough for him. Mr. <span class="smcap">Strauss</span> is to be congratulated on his
+new political "Doctrinen"; but, if he should succeed in defeating Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Conybeare</span>, he seems likely to lead the Whips a pretty dance.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It seems a little hard on a Parliamentary candidate when he is
+seriously misrepresented by his own friends. This is what Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Michael Williams</span> has suffered in the St. Austell division of
+Cornwall at the hands of his friend Canon <span class="smcap">Bush</span>. With every
+intention of doing Mr. <span class="smcap">Williams</span> a good turn, the worthy Canon
+fired off a letter in the local press containing a serious misquotation
+of a speech said to have been made by Mr. <span class="smcap">Williams</span> about the
+false doctrines of the Nonconformists. The explosion of this shell in
+the Nonconformist camp has not improved Mr. <span class="smcap">Williams's</span> chance
+of success, and he probably believes in the truth of the old saying,
+that "Good wine needs no Bush."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Pull All Together.</span>&mdash;What our forefathers would have called
+"seeking an explanation from one's representative," is now, in these
+days of political slang, known as "pulling your member's leg!" Witness
+what happened in West Fife:</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>"Mr. <span class="smcap">Wemyss</span> said, that if they returned him they would have
+the advantage of being able to run down to <span class="smcap">Wemyss</span> when he did
+anything wrong and pull his leg at the cost of a sixpence in train
+money, whereas, if they wanted to pull Mr. <span class="smcap">Birrell</span> over the
+coals, it would cost them £3 to go to London."</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The electors would certainly seem to "have the pull" by Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Wemyss's</span> proximity; but why didn't some heckler retort by
+saying that in pulling a candidate's leg voters must be careful not to
+get hold of a calf?</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Slow Training.</span>&mdash;The Cork County National Teachers' Association
+has passed a resolution that "for the sixth class" the geography of
+the British Isles is enough, and "that the British Colonies be held
+over till the examination in the second year." But how will the British
+Colonies like being held over? And is not Ireland itself going to be
+a self-governing British Colony&mdash;some day? But that idea, too, seems
+"held over" for the present. The National Teachers, however, are true
+Nationalists, because they also resolved that "Professors of Irish
+should be appointed in all the Training Colleges." If females, they
+will be expected to wear the Celtic fringe, of course.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Ready and Willing</span> (<i>in the Cornell-Leander Fiasco</i>).&mdash;One crew
+wasn't "ready," but the starter was "<span class="smcap">Willan</span>"&mdash;like <i>Barkis</i>.
+The Cornell crew was ready and willin'. So they had the starter with
+them at all events; and, they started. Angry partisans described the
+proceeding as "Willanous." So it was,&mdash;from one point of view.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Election Paradoxes.</span>&mdash;Standing for a seat, and running against
+a sitting Member.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The General Election Cry.</span>&mdash;"Take your seats, Gentlemen!"</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 750px;">
+<a href="images/030full.jpg">
+
+<img src="images/030.jpg" width="750" height="428" alt="AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY" /></a>
+<p class="ph4">AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY.</p>
+
+
+
+<p><i>The Professor</i> (<i>who has just come back from the North Pole</i>).
+"<span class="smcap">&mdash;&mdash;and the Fauna of these Inhospitable Regions is as poor as the
+Flora! You couldn't name a dozen Animals who manage to live there.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Malapert.</i> "<span class="smcap">Oh&mdash;I dare say I could!</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>The Professor.</i> "<span class="smcap">Really&mdash;what <i>are</i> they?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Malapert.</i> "<span class="smcap">Well, now&mdash;five Polar Bears, let us say, and&mdash;and
+seven Seals!</span>"</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">IL "TRUE BLUE" INGLESE.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>All' illustrissimo Signor Punch.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Illustriousest Sir</span>,&mdash;I feel myself in duty of to write to
+her these few lines for to tell to her the my opinion of the of her
+country. Ah, the beautiful England! One speaks in Italy of the <i>cielo
+inglese</i>, when the sky is grey and overcast. For the first time I come
+now in the my ship to the of her country. <i>Ecco</i>, the sky is blue! In
+the our country so many things are blue&mdash;the sky, the sea, the lakes,
+the distant mountains, but in the our language not there is the word
+"blue." One says "azure" or "turquoise," but not the general term
+"blue." Therefore before I come to England I think, "We Italians see
+the colour blue, but not can say it, and these english have the word,
+but see never the colour." And <i>ecco</i> I arrive, and the sky is blue!
+Not it is the blue of Napoli, not it is the blue of Geneva, and perhaps
+it is to-day only, but <i>veramente</i> it is blue. It is much curious.</p>
+
+<p>Also I have found other things blue. Some time the sea is pale blue.
+Some time the milk is pale blue. And one english says to me, "The
+sea was rough and the wind blue," but this not can I understand. The
+his friends say he likes chaff. <i>Diavolo</i>, what taste! But perhaps
+the chaff is much helpful for the digestion, like the english brown
+bread, which some brave men eat. The his friends say also, "He chaffs
+till all is blue." Perhaps when one eats the chaff the eyesight is
+altered. It is much curious. There are other things blue in England.
+There are "the blues." One my friend says to me that this phrase is the
+french <i>ennui</i>. Then I have not it seen yet, for it is always <i>festa</i>
+since our arrival. I have heard that the blues are at Oxford and at
+Cambridge, above all at the College of Girton. But the evening past
+I saw the blue the most beautiful. Ah, the exquisite eyes! Ah, <i>la
+bellissima signorina inglese!</i> so graceful, so courteous, so beautiful!
+And the her eyes were blue, so blue! Never have I seen a colour so
+sweet. The sea at Napoli, the sky at Palermo, the lake at Bellagio&mdash;it
+seems to me that they are grey and ugly when I think to the her eyes.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, Signor <i>Punch</i>, Her is a man, Her can love, Her, I know it, admires
+the beauty of the women! So to her I tell that those blue eyes have hit
+the heart of the italian. Not in Italy, but in England, one sees the
+blue the most divine.</p>
+
+<p>Her I beg to accept the my compliments and I have the honour to say
+myself.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+Her Devotedest Servant,<br />
+
+<span class="smcap">Andrea Doria Dandolo Vespucci-Colombo</span>.
+</p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">ORDER! ORDER!</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>["Colonel <span class="smcap">North</span> bases his appeal for support on the plea that
+he will see to it that West Leeds gets its full share of whatever work
+may be going."&mdash;<i>Leeds Mercury.</i>]</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">O "dark and true and tender is the <span class="smcap">North</span>!"</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And wondrous service to West Leeds he'll render;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>He</i>'ll see, when Government work is going forth,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">West Leeds shall have its chance&mdash;at least to tender.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Orders are heaven's first law." That is the kernel</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Of the "dear Colonel's" creed; and it contents</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Those who to Governments raise the cry eternal</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Of "Give your orders, Gents!"</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">ECHOES FROM THE POLLS.</p>
+
+<p>Elected am I? Well, I am really much obliged.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, certainly, shall be truly delighted to do anything in my power.</p>
+
+<p>Fancy in these hard times that it is a little difficult to increase a
+subscription list.</p>
+
+<p>Only too pleased, but must be rather careful not to infringe the
+Bribery Acts.</p>
+
+<p>Truly intend to live up to my opinions. Would not alter them for worlds.</p>
+
+<p>Cannot recall everything I said during the heat of the election, and
+probably was imperfectly reported.</p>
+
+<p>Do not claim any more liberty of action than to obey the dictates of my
+conscience.</p>
+
+<p>Afraid cannot adequately represent every phase of political opinion.</p>
+
+<p>Will give as much satisfaction in Westminster as practicable.</p>
+
+<p>Party arguments are rather superfluous after the contest, and therefore
+have to be avoided.</p>
+
+<p>Sorry cannot stay longer in the Division itself, as my presence is
+required within the precincts of St. Stephen's.</p>
+
+<p>Would have the greatest pleasure in life to discuss all these matters
+of controversy at another time.</p>
+
+<p>Sorry cannot give exact date, but why not say just before the next
+General Election?</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Memorable.</span>&mdash;Wednesday, July 10th. Evening Fête at Botanical
+Gardens. <i>No Rain!!</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 470px;">
+<a href="images/031full.jpg">
+
+<img src="images/031.jpg" width="470" height="600" alt="OLD WARDER WILLIAM." /></a>
+
+<p class="ph4">OLD WARDER WILLIAM.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Veteran</span> (<i>loquitur</i>). "DEAR ME! WHAT <i>HAS</i> BECOME OF
+HARCOURT?"</p>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph3">EX-HON. PRIVATE A. BRIEFLESS, JUN., ON THE I. O. C. R. V. C. AT BISLEY.</p>
+
+<p>It is scarcely necessary to say that during the sitting of the Courts I
+have little time for what may be termed recreation. So when I visited
+Bisley on the occasion of the competition for the Ashburnham Shield,
+it was in a semi-military and semi-forensic capacity. It was no doubt
+pleasing to see one's schoolfellows of a later generation maintaining
+the <i>prestige</i> of a common <i>Alma Mater</i>; but the chief attraction in
+my eyes of the successor to Wimbledon was the presence under canvas of
+much that is left of the "Devil's Own." And here let me pause for a
+moment to discuss the traditional derivation of the alternative title
+of the Inns of Court Rifle Volunteer Corps. I believe His late Majesty
+King <span class="smcap">William the Fourth</span> (of marine memory) is usually believed
+to have been the first to call his lawyer warriors by the name that,
+to certain minds, has had since an unsympathetic significance. I am
+of opinion that the Sailor Sovereign merely confirmed a title that
+had already been obtained by usage. It is more than possible that the
+initial supporters of the I. O. C. R. V. C. were counsel seldom holding
+briefs of their own, but frequently appearing as "learned" but absent
+"friends." It is needless to hint to the Bench and Bar that I refer to
+"devils." If my assumption is correct, then indeed would the Battalion
+be justly known to fame as "the Devil's Own."</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 132px;">
+<a href="images/033full.jpg">
+
+<img src="images/033.jpg" width="132" height="320" alt="The Skeleton of a Regiment." /></a>
+<p class="center">The Skeleton of a Regiment.</p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>I wish I could deny the reports that have found their way into the
+papers that the I. O. C. R. V. C. is less prosperous than it was of
+yore. Personally, I have it on my conscience that I have not for many
+years appeared on parade. To the best of my belief I have only once
+joined the ranks. The occasion was a prize distribution in Lincoln's
+Inn Hall. As an honorary member I was posted in the front rank of "A"
+Company. Then came the perplexing command, "Fours right," which, so
+far as I was concerned, ended in disaster. A little later I retired
+from all active military service, and have remained in retreat ever
+since. Still, at the sound of the bugle my pulse quickens, and I
+feel that had I chosen the Tented Field instead of the Forum for the
+exercise of my professional duties my career would not have suffered
+in prosperity from the alteration. In fact, I believe that with the
+conditions changed I should have had just as good a chance of becoming
+Commander-in-Chief as Lord Chancellor. But these are regrets that are
+out of place in the columns of a periodical that guards the interests
+of the universe in general, while fostering the loftiest aspirations of
+the legal profession in particular. So I cast them aside as unworthy
+the attention of a counsel, a soldier, and a gentleman.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p>
+<p>Let me return to the I. O. C. R. V. C. at Bisley. I found "those of the
+faithful who have been true to their trust" defending themselves&mdash;there
+was no trace of defiance in the action&mdash;from the fierce fire of the
+noonday sun by wearing straw hats and sporting flannels. It was a
+pretty picture, that made by the martial lawyers at their mid-day
+parade. The tents, the tubs, the kitchen utensils, and last, but not
+least, the mess-house, with its dining saloon and ante-room. Alas, that
+the stability of the latter should be inappropriate! Alas, that the
+corps, once the pride of the Volunteer Service, should be reduced to
+four companies, and (so I believe) have lost its adjutant! Ichabod! How
+the mighty have fallen!</p>
+
+<p>As I watched the sad and yet impressive tableau old memories flocked
+upon me. Where was the private who caricatured his Colonel, and showed
+how a shako could be combined with a horse-hair wig, and yet look
+military and forensic? Where was the lance corporal who invariably
+confirmed his captain's commands with an "as your Lordship pleases?"
+Where was the rear-rank wag who, on being told to charge, said he "must
+leave that sort of thing to his clerk, who kept his fee-book?" Where
+was the vocalist who would sing the songs of <span class="smcap">J. L. Molloy</span>,
+Barrister-at-Law, and knew the ins and outs of "The Maske of Flowers?"
+All of them gone, and their places scarcely filled by new comers!
+And, as I gazed upon an energetic private of the I. O. C. R. V. C.,
+apparently preparing to meet the demands of an expected detachment of
+hungry lunchers, I wondered whether anything could be done to revive
+the fortunes of the Grand Old Battalion. Could the hours of leisure of
+the warriors be occupied by regimental trips down the river, regimental
+drags to the races, regimental dinners to one another, regimental
+visits to the play, regimental strolls in the Row, regimental bicycles
+in Battersea Park? I fancy something of this kind has already been
+suggested. Then, if Barristers do not flock in sufficient numbers to
+the banners of the Lamb, the Horse, and the Griffin, why not throw
+open the ranks to wealthy persons&mdash;so to speak&mdash;fond of the leaders
+of litigation? Again I imagine some such plan has already been under
+consideration.</p>
+
+<p>And, as I thought the matter over, I became gloomier and gloomier. So
+sad was I that I had to visit the adjacent cemetery, to revive, under
+the modified merriment of the place, into comparative cheerfulness. The
+mere recollection of the I. O. C. R. V. C. unmans me. It is better that
+I should pause, for I can write no more.</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><i>Pump Handle Court, July 12, 1895.</i></span></p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">A. Briefless, Jun.</span>
+</p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">THE CRY OF THE COUNTER.</p>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>By a Shopkeeper who had hoped better things of the Season.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Great Scott! Sold again! It's all up with the Season,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Though Summer <i>is</i> Summer, and Goodwood's not gone!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">We Shopkeepers hoped for good luck, and with reason,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">For things did look bright. But once more we are done;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Done, clean as a whistle! A General Election!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Sprung on us, through <span class="smcap">Brodrick</span>, and cordite, and stuff!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A plague on both parties, a curse on each section!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Your M.P.'s a mooncalf, a muddler, a muff!</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The weather was stunning; Death had not been busy</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">With Royalties&mdash;bless 'em!&mdash;and London was full;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And though of course <span class="smcap">Rosebery</span> is not a <span class="smcap">Dizzy</span>,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">He <i>did</i> win the Derby, which gave him some pull.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Parties kept wrangling,&mdash;but nobody bothered;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">They didn't make progress,&mdash;but none of us cared;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Though <span class="smcap">Labby</span> played tricks, or <span class="smcap">Silom</span> o pothered,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">We stuck to our counters, unshocked and unscared.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And now, betwixt grass-time and harvest, the duffers</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Fight over sheer fudge and kick over the show.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And so once again the poor Shopkeeper suffers.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">A murrain on <span class="smcap">Harcourt</span>, a plague upon <span class="smcap">Joe</span>!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For policy <span class="smcap">Balfour</span> sets forth "Dissolution,"</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And thinks he has scored. Had I temper, and breath,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>And</i> his ear, I could smash up his smart elocution,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><i>His</i> game's Dissolution,&mdash;to us it means death.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The fat's in the fire, and the spark's in the powder,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">We're in for a long spell of wigs on the green.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Our clients will scatter, and louder and louder</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Will swell the fool-chorus of partisan spleen.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Sir <span class="smcap">Bottleby Snipe</span> must be off beyond Humber,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And sweet Lady <span class="smcap">Spendwell</span> goes Primrosing, south,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And I, poor shopkeeper, may just as well slumber,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">With rage in my heart and my thumb in my mouth.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Oh, slaves of the shop, from Pall Mall to far Peckham,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Say, is it not time that <i>you</i> rose and rebelled?</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The parties just play with us. Can we not check 'em?</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">By Jove, if one chorus of shopdom but swelled,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Like the working man's howl, on those Westminster wobblers,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">The sweet little game they all play it might stop.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For Socialist dockers and Radical cobblers</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">They've ears; but they're deaf to the Cry of the Shop.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The rents, rates and taxes pile higher and higher,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">The Stores undersell us&mdash;and cop ready cash!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Hebrew monopolist, fiercer and slyer</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Than tiger-cat, schemeth to send us to smash.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The landlord rack-rents us, and then pops the profit</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">He draws out of us into syndicate Stores!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I tell you the shopkeeper's life is a Tophet,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">M.P.'s play at "Progress," and <i>we</i> pay all scores.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And then they ask me for my vote!!! Why, what guerdon</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Have I for my votings these twenty years past?</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Continual addition to back-breaking burden!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">I say the last straw has been laid on, at last;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">At least upon this individual camel.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">To forward true Progress I don't think I'm loth,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But sick of prolonged Party trick, trap, and trammel,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">If I had my wish, I would&mdash;<i>vote against both!</i></span><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Modern Ixion.</span>&mdash;This mythological character finds his
+present representative in a shareholder Bound to the Great Wheel at
+Earl's Court. However, Ixion and his wheel went on for ever! In which
+case Modern Ixion ought to be an exceptionally lucky person.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 386px;">
+<a href="images/034full.jpg">
+
+<img src="images/034.jpg" width="386" height="550" alt="I say, Old Man," /></a>
+
+
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">I say, Old Man, what's that awful Row going on Next
+Door?</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Oh, that's the Omphale Club. The Ladies are having their first
+Whist Party of the Season!</span>"</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+<p class="ph4">THE NEW NORRIBLE TALE.</p>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>From a Philistinish Point of View.</i>)</p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Air</span>&mdash;"<i>The Norrible Tale.</i>"</p>
+
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">'Tis a norrible tale I'm going to tell</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of the frightful fortunes which befel</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A family who late resided</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In the same suburban street that I did.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">O it is a norrible tale!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">'Twould make a Maëterlinck turn pale,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">With its frightful blend of the grim and glum,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Of fiddle-de-dee, and fi-fo-fum!</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">O they were a decent Philistine lot</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Till they caught the contagion of "Tommy-Rot,"</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That kind of mental, malarial fever,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Which floors the foolish and foils the clever.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">O it is a norrible tale, &amp;c.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">This Influenza of the Soul</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Haunted their house like some gruesome "troll."</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(The family&mdash;which their name was <span class="smcap">Gibson</span>&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Knew all about such from the works of <span class="smcap">Ibsen</span>.)</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The father first felt the spell unholy,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And the man's demeanour grew truly "trolly."</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">He was&mdash;in Peckham&mdash;a Master Builder,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And he "carried on" with a drudge named <span class="smcap">'Tilder</span>.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The slavey said it was truly thrilling,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But struck for another&mdash;weekly&mdash;shilling.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"She was ready to thrill till all was blue,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But it <i>must</i> be reckenised in her 'screw!'"</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">His wife declared he was most inhuman,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And, for her part, she should turn New Woman!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">So she grew&mdash;to him&mdash;an emotional icicle,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And mounted knickers, and rode a bicycle.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The eldest son, an athletic young fellow,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Who had gained his "Blue," took at once to Yellow.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Muscle," he said, in a tone despotic,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Is beastly vulgaw; good form's Neurotic!"</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The youngest daughter, a blue-eyed fairy&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(Her pies were prime, and her name was <span class="smcap">Mary</span>&mdash;)</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Now took to cricket, and cigarette-smoking,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And manly manners in togs&mdash;and joking.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The eldest one, of a statelier carriage,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Conceived quaint notions about "Group-marriage:"</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Since man's a satyr, and brings satiety,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The only virtue is&mdash;in <i>variety!</i>"</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Another girl took to writing novels</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">On dirt in "dosses," and vice in hovels;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Varying the same with Kiplingy verses,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With ingenious rhymes to street-slang and curses.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The youngest boy, who was "only a nipper,"</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Contributed "Art" to the "Sixpenny Snipper,"</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Which his sisters said was "supremely delicious,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">As a blend of the infantile and vicious."</span><br /><br /><br />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<p><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The father died of his drudge and drink,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The wife broke her back at a skating rink;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And as to the slavey, whose name was <span class="smcap">'TILDER</span>,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">She "thrilled"&mdash;on street-preaching and rum&mdash;till they killed her.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The eldest son read <span class="smcap">Nordau</span> and <span class="smcap">Lombroso</span>,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Till his brain went shaky&mdash;'twas always so-so&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">He imagines himself a pot of mustard,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of which egomaniacs are making a custard.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The youngest daughter's an "Amazon Queen"</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">At the East-end Halls, and she's loud and lean;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The eldest&mdash;whose freedom all bonds would sully&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Is tied to&mdash;and thrashed by&mdash;a pugilist bully.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The writer of sensuous snippety novels,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In Grub Street gutters forlornly grovels;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The "Boy Genius of Gehenna," of the babbling boasters,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Turns a very poor penny by Stygian Posters!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">O it <i>is</i> a norrible tale!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And what do New Women and New Art avail?</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Egomania-Tommyrotica is all a hum,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Half fiddle-de-dee, and half fi-fo-fum!</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bands and Bombs.</span>&mdash;How many Hungarian Bands are there about?
+There's a "Real Blue Hungarian" (does this mean a "True Blue," good old
+Tory, Band?)&mdash;there's an "Anglo-Hungarian," and a "White Hungarian." In
+fact, Hungarian Band "with variations." The Real Hung'ry-an'-Thirsty
+Bands are to be seen every night in the Feeding Places of the Indian
+Exhibition, Earl's Court, where, specially within the bowers of the al
+fresco Welcome Club, <i>can</i> be served a very good dinner which <i>may</i> be
+bettered; and, if you are a Lucullus, you <i>comme gourmet</i> will have to
+Look-ullus-where for it. [N.B.&mdash;To get this jest well received give
+the dinner yourself, and towards the middle of the feast try the jape.
+They'll all laugh <i>en&mdash;mais après?</i>]</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 800px;">
+<a href="images/035full.jpg">
+
+<img src="images/035.jpg" width="800" height="569" alt="&quot;AYE! BUT HOW?&quot;" /></a>
+<p class="ph4">"AYE! BUT HOW?"</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Squire</i> (<i>in dog-cart</i>). "<span class="smcap">Here! you Fool! Hold his Head!!</span>"</p>
+
+
+</div>
+
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">MISONEOGYNY.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 250px;">
+<a href="images/035bfull.jpg">
+
+<img src="images/035b.jpg" width="250" height="350" alt="untitled" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,&mdash;New Woman dead? Not a bit of it. Don't
+believe she ever existed. Never met her anywhere myself, and never met
+anybody who has. It's my belief there "ain't no sich person." Merely
+an idea or an influence, don't you know; and you can't shake hands, go
+into dinner, dance, or flirt with a poisonous influence, any more than
+you can with a bad smell. Whatever she is, though, afraid she's driven
+me into evil courses&mdash;rhymes. Here they are:&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Oh, where is that horrible modern monstrosity,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Where is the woman whom people call "New,"</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Who thinks, speaks, and acts with such utter atrocity,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Tell me, oh where are the "women who do"?</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Half angry, half sad (upon grounds sentimental) man</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Begs the New Woman to stoutly proclaim&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"No longer a lady, and not yet a gentleman"&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Where are the creatures who own to the name?</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">This monster has, surely, no lasting vitality,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Only existing in fancy and print;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">It is just an unlovely abstract personality,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Coin from the end-of-the-century mint.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And, therefore, in physical prowess and mental, man</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Owns her supremacy, calm and serene,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Because the New Woman is like the "Old Gentleman,"</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Heard of more often&mdash;thank heaven&mdash;than seen.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>Shouldn't worry if I were "Misoneogynist." New woman fad nearly played
+out, only a black cloud floating across the blue sky of common sense.
+Nice idea, isn't it? Till cloud rolls by shall remain,</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+Yours cheerily,<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 6em;"><span class="smcap">A. Bachelor</span>.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The "Bogey-land of Science."</span>&mdash;From the <i>Glasgow Herald</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>"The fourth meeting of the eleventh session of the Andersonian
+Naturalists Society was held at 204, George Street, Professor <span class="smcap">G.
+Bell Todd</span>, M.B., C.M., President, in the chair. After the minutes
+of last meeting had been read, Mr. <span class="smcap">Archibald Shanks</span> exhibited
+an Ichthyodorulite of Gyracanthus."</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Plucky of Mr. <span class="smcap">Shanks</span>, that! As the Gyracanthus is an animal
+with both a fin and a spine, and it was captured in Ayr, it must be a
+sort of flying shark. How on earth did Mr. <span class="smcap">Shanks</span> get it to
+George Street? It ought to be called "By George Street!" in future.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">"The Colonel's" Paradoxical Purpose.</span>&mdash;To convert West Leeds
+into "<span class="smcap">North</span> Leads."</p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">A TRUE SPORTSMAN'S TIP.</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">At anti-gambling "spoil-sports," loudly</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">The "sportsmen" they would spoil are fretting.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Good friends, though you protest so proudly,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">The <i>true</i> spoil-sport is&mdash;Betting!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Although it suit the baser sort,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">What's sport to them is death to Sport!</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 265px;">
+<a href="images/035cfull.jpg">
+
+<img src="images/035c.jpg" width="265" height="320" alt="untitled" /></a>
+</div>
+
+
+<p><br /><br /><br /><br />"Piccadilly Sports" is a headline conjuring up pleasant visions
+of races, and other jinks unconducive to the peace and comfort of
+law-abiding citizens&mdash;only authorised race in Piccadilly, the "purblind
+race of miserable men." Yet let no irate old gentleman storm the
+columns of the <i>Times</i> with a tirade against the police and County
+Council on this account. Because there happens to be another Piccadilly
+up north. <i>Hinc (Piccad) illi ludi.</i> We shall expect to be reading
+shortly of "Holborn miners out on strike," "Heroic rescue by the Pall
+Mall lifeboat," or "A serious affray with poachers at Paddington."</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph3">ELECTION INTELLIGENCE.</p>
+
+<p class="center">TOBY ONCE MORE M.P.</p>
+
+<p>On Monday the Electors of Barkshire assembled in the great hall
+of their county town to elect a Member to serve in the Fourteenth
+Parliament of Queen <span class="smcap">Victoria</span>. The High Sheriff presided.
+Owing to the constitutional rule which forbids Peers to take part
+in Parliamentary electoral proceedings, the Lord Lieutenant of the
+county was precluded from showing himself on the platform. It was said
+that, indisposed to be entirely out of so interesting and popular
+an event, his lordship was present disguised as a tide-waiter. Our
+representative, however, did not observe in the throng any person in
+nautical dress.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 393px;">
+<a href="images/036full.jpg">
+
+<img src="images/036.jpg" width="393" height="450" alt="&quot;Carried unanimously.&quot;" /></a>
+<p class="center">"Carried unanimously."</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<p>The hall, which was crowded to its utmost capacity, was gaily decorated
+with flags. Across the full length of the hall was suspended a banner
+bearing the proud device "<span class="smcap">Barks's is willin'</span>."</p>
+
+<p>Our esteemed ex-Member was accompanied on the platform by the principal
+county gentry of all shades of political opinion. On taking his seat in
+the front row of chairs, he was received with rounds of Kentish fire,
+made in Barkshire. Having been proposed and seconded in eulogistic
+terms, report of which he has expressed a desire we should suppress,
+the High Sheriff inquired if any elector desired to propose another
+candidate?</p>
+
+<p>"I should think not," said a burly Barkshire farmer, ominously grasping
+a stout blackthorn.</p>
+
+<p>After this no one seemed disposed to move, and the High Sheriff
+declared <span class="smcap">Toby</span>, M.P., duly elected. There were loud cries for
+the Member, who, overcoming natural and usually insuperable diffidence,
+got on his hind legs.</p>
+
+<p>"Brother electors," he said, "it is an old saying, 'What Barkshire
+thinks to-day, England will do to-morrow.' Obviously some inaccuracy
+underlies the aphorism, since whilst you have to-day thought me
+worthy of being elected your Member, it's no use England coming
+round to-morrow and asking me to represent it in the Commons House
+of Parliament. This is the fourth time Barkshire has done me this
+honour; and base indeed is the man&mdash;(<i>A Voice, 'Who pays'</i>)&mdash;who could
+be insensible to such testimony of confidence and esteem. Brother
+electors&mdash;(<i>A Voice, 'Who stole the Emperor William's uniform?'
+Disturbance at the end of the hall. Another Voice, 'Chuck him out.'</i>)
+No, electors of Barkshire, let him stay. If he is put outside, he
+loses the opportunity of observing your behaviour, and learning how
+gentlemen comport themselves when publicly assembled in discharge of
+a solemn duty. (<i>Loud cheers. A Voice, 'That fetches 'em!'</i>) I was
+about to observe, when our friend's feelings temporarily overcame him,
+that since I entered the room I have had a number of questions handed
+up to me. They are a little late, since I am no longer a candidate
+but am duly elected. That, however unusual the case may be, makes no
+difference. The first question is: 'Will you, if elected, see that
+every man in Barkshire over fifty years of age has three acres of
+the best land in the parish, with a cow for every adult child and a
+calf a-piece for each infant in arms?' Certainly; I hope I may live
+to see established those desirable conditions as between man and man.
+(<i>Cheers.</i>) Another esteemed friend asks: 'Do you understand Local Veto
+to mean that a man may go into the public-house, take his noggin or
+what not, and when asked to pay may refuse?' I could not if I tried put
+my views on the situation more clearly. The Veto, as you all know, is
+a Latin word meaning to <i>vete</i>, or, as we say in English, to refuse to
+stump up. A public-house is, according to 19 Vict. c. 190, a locality.
+Local Veto is, therefore, the inalienable right of the English citizen
+as defined by my friend. (<i>Loud cheers.</i>) 'Are you in favour of
+Equalisation of the Rates?' To be frank with you, my idea of rates is
+that they should be equalised to the extent that makes them absolutely
+impalpable. (<i>'No, no.' 'Yes, yes.' Uproar under the gallery. Cries
+of</i> '<span class="smcap">Judas!</span>' <i>A free fight, during which a man was ejected,
+omitting to take his coat with him.</i>) Don't put him out; don't put
+anyone out. If there's a renewal of the interruption, form a ring round
+the man; then we will see where we are. Here's another question: 'Do
+you approve of Ice Creams made in foreign prisons smuggled over here in
+barrel-organs and ground out in our streets, ruining the digestion of
+our working men?' That is a question which hardly seems to need reply
+from a patriotic Englishman. But I will say&mdash;and you observe I say it
+emphatically&mdash;No. (<i>Loud cheering.</i>) 'Are you in favour of a Second
+Chamber, or do you go the length of Tenification?' That is a very nice
+question. It shows how deeply and intelligently the men of Barkshire
+study the questions of the day. It is not a matter on which I, for one,
+care to dogmatize; I will therefore content myself with saying, that
+between two and ten we might find the happy medium. (<i>More cheering,
+the audience rising to their feet, waving hats and handkerchiefs.</i>)
+Now, gentlemen, that's all the questions I have, and I hope you'll
+agree that I have answered them frankly. Ah! here's another one coming
+up. (<i>A dirty piece of paper is passed from hand to hand till it
+reached the hon. Member.</i>) 'Could you lend me five bob till Saturday
+night?' (<i>Laughter, in which the hon. Member heartily joined.</i>) I
+think, gentlemen, it is time we now proposed a vote of thanks to the
+High Sheriff." (<i>This was carried unanimously, and the meeting broke
+up. A torch-light procession conducted the popular member to his family
+seat, The Kennel, Barks.</i>)</p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">A LITERARY TURN.</p>
+
+<p>There was a case in the Edinburgh Court of Session the other day,
+which shows what is thought of authors north of the Tweed&mdash;and not by
+publishers, either. A witness remarked of a "defender" that "he was of
+a literary turn of mind, and he thought that spoiled him." Many persons
+have had similar thoughts, but they have generally refrained from
+uttering them quite so bluntly.</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Mistress <span class="smcap">Hathaway</span> rejoiced in a daughter christened <span class="smcap">Anne</span>,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Whose proceedings she regarded with concern;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Quoth she&mdash;"That <span class="smcap">Willum Shakspeare</span> as a son-in-law I ban.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Why? Because he has a literary turn."</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Growled Sir <span class="smcap">W-ll-m</span>, on perusal of a certain <i>Life of Pitt</i>&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"Well, we all unquestionably live and learn;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But, in spite of <span class="smcap">Dizzy's</span> precedent, I don't believe one bit</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">In a Premier with a literary turn."</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Said <span class="smcap">W-ls-l-y</span>, when a recent work he blankly had surveyed&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"To answer this biography I yearn.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">What an admirable soldier <span class="smcap">H-ml-y</span> might, perhaps, have made,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">If he had not had a literary turn!"</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Just on the Cards.</span>"&mdash;Herr <span class="smcap">Iff's</span> orchestra. In how
+uncertain a state of mind would a telegram from Herr <span class="smcap">Iff</span> leave
+the giver of the entertainment who, having requested wire informing
+him whether Herr <span class="smcap">Iff</span> and his band could come, should receive
+this reply: "<i>If can come will be there at hour stated.</i>" This supposes
+that some well-informed, grammatical, telegraphic young lady-clerk has
+corrected the spelling of "<span class="smcap">Iff</span>." <i>À propos</i> of <span class="smcap">Iff</span>, a
+complete entertainment would be a recital by the Veteran <span class="smcap">Howe</span>
+of <span class="smcap">Watts'</span> poems, accompanied by <span class="smcap">Iff's</span> band; and a
+reading from <i>Le Château d'If</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Intelligible, but not Clear.</span>&mdash;"I think," said Mrs. R.'s
+married niece, "that good singing is quite wasted on an ordinary
+evening party. Now I remember an evening when <span class="smcap">Santley</span> sang in
+a crowded drawing-room at our house, and <i>a pin might have dropped!</i>"</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Decision. The Dr. G. Testimonial.</span>&mdash;The <i>D. T.</i> is a good
+judge of popular sentiment, and, attired as a Judge, is <i>D. T. ermined</i>
+that '95 shall be remembered as "<i>the</i> Year of <span class="smcap">Grace</span>."</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+109, July 20, 1895, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+***** This file should be named 44673-h.htm or 44673-h.zip *****
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+</body>
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@@ -0,0 +1,1672 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109,
+July 20, 1895, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, July 20, 1895
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: January 15, 2014 [EBook #44673]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 109.
+
+JULY 20, 1895.
+
+
+
+
+TO A LADY HUMORIST.
+
+  Your laugh would chase away the blues,
+    Your smile is always sunny,
+  One must be gay--who could refuse?
+  Your "mission" is just to amuse;
+  Discarding all blue-stocking views,
+    You fancy what is funny.
+
+  You have no fads on Man's Descent
+    From something quite atomic,
+  On Diet, Disestablishment,
+  On Dress, Diminishing of Rent,
+  Divorce or Dockyard Discontent--
+    You seek for something comic.
+
+  You wear no hygienic shoe,
+    Your dress is never frightful,
+  Your sense of humour makes you too
+  Alive to what you should not do,
+  You laugh at folks, not they at you,
+    You write what's quite delightful.
+
+  So laugh, and always make us gay;
+    Stern women are alarming,
+  The boldest men, I need not say,
+  Are simply scared by such as they,
+  You do not bore us, anyway.
+    Your conversation's charming.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Unmetrical Adaptation of Robbie Burns' celebrated Line to the "New
+Woman," whether in male attire on or off Bicycle, in her Club, driving
+her trap, &c., &c._--"A woman's a woman for a' that."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SPORTING EVENT--A RECORD.
+
+SHE WON THE SWEEP!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+Of Mr. ATHOL MAYHEW'S _History of Punch_ the Baron can
+at present say nothing, no copy of this work having as yet been
+brought to Our Booking Office, and without a ticket-of-leave, or
+ticket-for-leaves, granted by _Mr. Punch_ himself, per the Baron de
+B.-W., the book of MAHU ("MODO he is called and
+MAHU," as SHIRLEY BROOKS used to quote from _King
+Lear_) will not have received _the_ "imprimatur." Already it appears,
+as we read in a letter from Mr. HENRY SPIELMANN (who, if any
+man living knows anything about _Mr. Punch's_ history, is the Punchian
+Biographer and Historian _par excellence_ and "by appointment") to the
+_Daily Chronicle_, Friday, July 12, that in Mr. MAYHEW'S book
+there are numerous errors on important matters. "_Mayhew-manum est
+errare._" But "Herr VON SPIELMANN will put him right in his
+forthcoming book," says
+
+  THE JUDICIOUS
+  BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COVENT GARDEN OPERA PROVERB.--"When in doubt play _Faust_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HAPPY THOUGHT!" (_Apropos of a recent case in the Marylebone
+Police Court_).--What a good title for an old-fashioned pantomime in
+the East End (where _the_ real pantomimes used to be): "_Harlequin and
+the Mysterious Manx Mannikins; or, Snapshot and the Demon Camera!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRIGGS, OF BALLIOL.
+
+PART II.
+
+Two years passed, and never a syllable could I learn of
+BRIGGS. Then I met TROTTER of Trinity at Piccadilly
+Circus. "By the way," said he, "I suppose you have heard about poor
+old BRIGGS?" "No!" I cried. "What of him?" "Oh, I thought you
+would be sure to know, or I would have broken it to you more gently."
+"Why?" I asked, with apprehension. "Has anything happened to him?"
+"Well," he replied, with some hesitation, "I--er--I hardly like to tell
+you. You were such a friend of his." "You don't mean to say that he
+is----?" "Dead? No, poor fellow, not dead exactly, but worse than that,
+I fear. He has become a New Man, you see." I looked at TROTTER
+in bewilderment. "Why, you see, he is married--yes, he married the
+O'GRESS, you know. Poor BRIGGS! I saw him yesterday,
+and, upon my word, I should scarcely have known him. But go and see him
+yourself; you will never believe my story."
+
+TROTTER wrote me the address on a card, and the next day
+I called. The maid looked somewhat surprised when I asked for Mr.
+BRIGGS. He was at home, oh, yes, he was at home, but she
+didn't know whether he could see me or not, as he was feeding the
+baby. This announcement rather staggered me, but I pulled myself
+together sufficiently to assure her that I was an old friend of Mr.
+BRIGGS; and, on learning this, she asked me to walk upstairs.
+"This is the nursery," she said, when we had reached the topmost
+storey. "You will find Mr. BRIGGS inside."
+
+I opened the door, and what a scene greeted me! There was
+BRIGGS, my old friend BRIGGS, the gallant
+BRIGGS of Balliol, rocking ceaselessly to and fro the while
+he crooned in a low monotone to a bundle of pins and flannel that
+lay cradled in his arms. I sprang forward to grip him by the hand.
+He laid his finger on his lips, and in an agonised whisper murmured,
+"Sh!--You'll wake the baby!" I controlled myself, and sank into a
+chair, to which he motioned me. BRIGGS hushed the infant
+anxiously for a minute or two until it was well asleep; then he turned
+to me, and with a sickly smile whispered, "I'm glad to see you,
+ROBINSON, but please talk very gently, for fear of waking the
+Cutsababoo."
+
+It grieved me to hear poor BRIGGS talk in this fashion, but
+there were a thousand questions I was burning to ask him.
+
+"Oh, BRIGGS, why did you leave Balliol so suddenly?" "Sh!"
+he answered, looking nervously round him. "_She_ took me away." "And
+why did you never write to anyone?" "Sh! _She_ forbade me." "Forbade
+you?" "Yes, yes, indeed. Oh, ROBINSON, you do not know my
+wife!" I was inwardly thanking my stars that I had not this honour when
+BRIGGS, overcome with his emotion, suddenly flung up his arms
+and covered his face with his hands. The action upset the equilibrium
+of the baby, which rolled off his lap, fell on the floor, and awoke
+with a scream. With a cry of dismay BRIGGS caught up the
+bundle, and tossed it violently up and down, addressing it the while in
+such intelligible terms as these--"And did it wake its darling ducky
+Cutsababoo, it did! It was a naughty cruel Dada, it was!"
+
+It would be hard to say which made the greater noise, BRIGGS
+or the baby; but BRIGGS had the staying power, and after
+a fight the baby gave it up. BRIGGS gazed at it as it lay
+exhausted in his arms, then turning to me, he said, "I think the
+Cutsababoo has done crying now, ROBINSON. Will you excuse me
+if I sing him to by-byes?" In olden days BRIGGS had a glorious
+baritone voice, and to hear him sing the Balliol Boating Song was a
+musical treat. I therefore readily agreed to stay and listen. "The
+Duckydoo is very particular," explained BRIGGS. "He will only
+go to sleep to his own ickle tune, _The New Lullaby_."
+
+  "Mummy has gone to the city,
+    Cutsaba--Cutsababoo!
+  But Mummy will think of her Pretty,
+    And buy him a little toy too.
+  Daddy will dandle the Darling,
+    And show him his beautiful toy.
+  Hushaby, Pet! Baby, don't fret!
+    Sleepery, Peepery Boy!
+
+  "Mummy is making the money,
+    Cutsaba--Cutsababoo!
+  To buy a new bonnet for sonny,
+    A jacket for Daddykins too.
+  Daddy will dandle the Darling,
+    And show him his beautiful toy.
+  Hushaby, Pet! Baby, don't fret!
+    Sleepery, Peepery Boy!"
+
+BRIGGS had just reached the end of the second verse when his
+keenly sensitive ear caught the sound of a latchkey turning in the
+door. A look of terror crossed his face. "It's _she!_ It's _she!_" he
+cried. "Oh, ROBINSON, if she finds you here! Oh, if you love
+me, fly!" I needed no second bidding. With a hasty grip of the hand I
+bade my friend farewell, and this is the last that has been seen of
+BRIGGS of Balliol.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MODERN MAID OF ATHENS.
+
+_John Bull_ (_hesitatingly_). "MAID OF ATHENS, ERE WE
+'PART'----"
+
+_Maid of Athens_ (_interrupting_). "THINK WHAT YOU OWE TO ATTIC
+ART?."
+
+[ the invitation of H.R.H. the Prince of WALES, a large
+meeting of these interested in the British School of Art at Athens was
+held on July 9 in St. James's Palace. The Prince of WALES
+said: "I sincerely hope we may soon hear that the School has been
+placed in an assured position for ever."--_Times Report._]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CUE FOR CANVASSERS.
+
+(_By a Cynic._)
+
+["In all the doubtful constituencies the result may be regarded as
+depending largely upon the persuasion and argument brought to bear upon
+individual electors."--_The Yorkshire Post._]
+
+  Persuasion? Argument? Very nice names
+  For Radical Caucusites, Primrose Dames,
+  And other retailers of party riddles,
+  _Ex parte_ statements, and taradiddles!
+  Gregarious voters, of old bribes did you all;
+  Now argument deals with the "individual."
+  With the man--or his wife--you must seek occasion,
+  Canvasser clever, to try "persuasion."
+  To "argue" that BLOGGS is the likeliest chap
+  To pour prosperity into your lap;
+  To "persuade" the Missus that that MCQUIRK
+  Will deprive her "man" of his beer _and_ work!
+  Oh, sweet are the virtues, upon occasion,
+  Of moral (or even _im_moral) 'suasion!
+  When blankets run out and when money's all spent,
+  Then, then comes the value of "argument."
+  And if the "argument" takes the form
+  Of orders and jobs in a perfect storm;
+  And when "persuasion" the future gauges
+  A promise of liquor and higher wages;
+  Why, then the result is the same almost,
+  'Twixt you and me, and the (_Yorkshire_) _Post!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DALY SACRIFICE TO SHAKSPEARE.--Again, thanks to the
+enterprise of Mr. AUGUSTIN DALY, one of SHAKSPEARE'S
+comedies is rendered resplendent with appropriate accessories. _A
+Midsummer Night's Dream_, furnished with new illustrations, and
+sparingly curtailed by necessary "cuts," becomes more poetical than
+ever. Miss ADA REHAN is a "dream" in herself, and Mr.
+LEWIS, as an American playing in England, becomes "translated"
+every evening to the complete satisfaction of an appreciating and
+crowded audience. The play should run from Midsummer into Michaelmas.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A HENLEY BARCAROLLE.
+
+(_By a Parasyllabic Swain._)
+
+  My lovylade, I peg and bray
+  That you will pun my joint to-day;
+  And we will, dreaming o'er the stodge,
+  In some remote lackwater bodge.
+
+  We'll take a man JOE, bandoline,
+  And hick-cup, as we slop between
+  The bangled tanks--we'll sink and drip,
+  And strum the things on board our ship.
+
+  List to my lovesick, mew, and come
+  Far from the giddy, higgling gum!
+  Relaying hearses, we will croon,
+  And through each glowering hide we'll _spoon!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Advertisement (_in "Standard"_).--"_Great Yarmouth. Small House. Close
+Aquarium and sea. Servant left._" Who was there when "servant left"?
+Also why "close Aquarium and sea"? Perhaps easy but unwise to close the
+former, but quite impossible to shut up the latter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"GOOD BIS"-LEY. "TELL THAT TO THE MARINES."--The United
+Services Cup was adjudged to the Marines at Bisley. In this competition
+the Marines were the best, "all told."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LABOUR OF LOVE!
+
+_Benevolent Lady_ (_who has with infinite trouble organised a Country
+Excursion for some overworked London Dressmakers_). "THEN MIND
+YOU'RE AT THE STATION AT NINE TO-MORROW, ELIZA. I DO HOPE IT WON'T
+RAIN!"
+
+"_RINE_, MISS! I 'OWP NOT, TO BE SURE! THE COUNTRY'S BAD ENOUGH
+WHEN IT'S _FOINE_, YN'T IT, MISS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SMOKING CHRISTIAN CONCERT.--In these smoking hot July days a
+Smoking Mission seems a good notion. Yet the Baccy-nalian missionaries
+may probably have to say, "We have pipe'd unto you, and you have not
+responded," except as long as the supply held out. Will there be
+distributed tracts entitled _A Bird's Eye View of Heaven_, _A Short Cut
+to Truth_, _Returns to Virtue_, _What is Life?_--_A Mixture!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROVERB A PROPOS OF LATEST NEW WALTZ, "KING GRETCHEN."--"It's
+the last STRAUSS that breaks the record."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BAWBEES ACROSS THE BORDER.--The _Dundee Advertiser_ has
+recently published a table showing the distribution of Ministerial
+salaries amongst Peers, Liberal Unionists, and Scotchmen. According
+to our canny contemporary, "Scotland fares badly in the new
+Administration." The reason for this lament is found in the fact
+that the share of Caledonia--"the spoil is taken chiefly by the Clan
+Balfour," remarks the _D. A._--amounts only to L12,425. And yet this
+sum represents the "banging" of a good many "saxpences." North Britain
+is unreasonable!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WASTING HER SWEETNESS.
+
+(_An Electioneering Study._)
+
+ ARGUMENT.--Mrs. HORACE HONEYBALL, wife of the
+ Liberal Candidate for a Metropolitan Working-class Constituency, has
+ undertaken in her husband's interests a house-to-house canvass in
+ Bodgers' Buildings.
+
+_Mrs. H. H._ (_to herself, as she threads her way through a grove
+of drying linen_). "I do _wish_ they would hang out their washing
+somewhere else--it's absolute ruin to one's hat! What a depressing
+place--but then they're all the more likely to be on our side. Have
+I got my canvassing cards and the bundle of leaflets? Yes--then I'd
+better begin.... How do you _do_, Mr. DOLLOP?... No, _please_
+don't move--I see I've come upon you all at your tea. So refreshing
+on a warm afternoon like this!... No, not any for me, thanks, I never
+touch it--and besides, I had some before I came out, you know....
+Oh, never mind about wiping a chair for me, Mrs. DOLLOP....
+Yes, _quite_ comfortable, I assure you. What a delightful home you
+have, with all those charming coloured pictures on the wall, and so
+_beautifully_ clean, too!... Ah, if you only knew the trouble and worry
+of a great house and a whole tribe of servants.... But you mustn't
+say that; _no_ one need despair of getting on nowadays, you know. And
+this is your little boy and girl? such bright, intelligent little
+faces. Jam _is_ so wholesome for them, isn't it?... HALBUT and
+HALICE? Really! such pretty names _I_ always think; and both
+beginning with--er--H.... Well, yes, _I have_ called on some particular
+business. I daresay, now, Mr. DOLLOP, you're quite a
+politician.... A plasterer? Now, _how_ delightful! Because I must tell
+you that my husband.... No, I'm afraid _not_. You see, we've only just
+had the whole house thoroughly done up. I was only going to say that my
+husband has such a respect for plasterers as a class, you know. Haven't
+I mentioned who he is? _How_ stupid of me! He's Mr. HONEYBALL,
+the Radical Candidate for this place.... Yes, I've come about the
+elections, of course. Oh, but you _ought_ to care; I'm sure you're far
+too intelligent a man to be really indifferent who represents you in
+Parliament! And my husband is so devoted to the working-classes; it's
+been quite the aim of his life to do something for them. His motto is,
+'Trust the People.'... Oh, _dear_ me, no--he's not a _shopkeeper_--he's
+at the Bar.... Certainly _not_. He's in favour of doing away with
+public-houses. He's a barrister--a _lawyer_, you know.... Ah, but
+perhaps you haven't been fortunate in such lawyers as you've _met_....
+Well, but you wouldn't like the _Tories_ to get in, _would_ you?... But
+they've _had_ their 'innings,' as you call it; they've been in a whole
+fortnight--and what have they _done_?... And if the Liberal Government
+is kept out, what will become of all the great reforms they've been
+trying to give you?... Well, there's Home Rule, for _one_.... Surely
+you're in favour of letting the Irish manage their own affairs?... No,
+that's _such_ a mistake; they _won't_ want to manage ours--at least,
+except Imperial matters--and why _shouldn't_ they?... All that can so
+easily be settled afterwards.... Don't you call 'One man one vote' a
+great reform?... Isn't it monstrous that some people should have five
+or six votes, while you only have one?... It's foolish to say they're
+'welcome to them,' like that, when they only use them to deprive you
+of your rights.... Then there's Welsh Disestablishment.... Oh, if you
+really can't see the immense importance of it, all I can say is, I'm
+extremely sorry.... Yes, I'm going now, and I hope, before the election
+day comes, you will have learnt to take a more enlightened----_Good_
+afternoon."
+
+"I'm so glad to have found you at home, Mr. BILGER. I'm
+Mrs. HONEYBALL, and I want you to support my husband at the
+election--he's standing as a Liberal, you know.... Oh, yes, I think
+I can tell you his views on the Liquor Traffic. He's anxious to see
+the curse of drinking thoroughly stamped out.... No, I'm sure you're
+no friend to publicans--you look _far_ too respectable.... Yes, as you
+say, they get rich on the earnings of the poor, and it's high time
+they were done away with.... _Certainly_ you may ask me a question....
+No, of course my husband would not _dream_ of putting down Clubs: he
+belongs to several himself.... Oh, you meant _Working-men's_ Clubs. You
+belong to one yourself? So _sensible_ of you!--and of course there can
+be no possible objection, so long as no intoxicating liquor----_Not_
+conducted on Teetotal principles? I'm afraid that _would_ make a
+difference.... Why? Because, don't you _see_, if people can go and
+join Clubs, and get drink there, there would be no use in closing the
+public-houses, _would_ there? We must be _logical_.... No _doubt_
+intoxicating drinks are supplied in Clubs, but I don't see what _that_
+has to do with it.... My husband? No, he's not a total abstainer, but
+still----... No, no; it's not a question of one law for the Rich and
+another for the Poor at _all_. You don't quite _understand_.... If
+you _really_ have heard enough, I'll go, of course.... Not at all. If
+anything I've said has helped you in making up your mind, I'm only
+too----Don't trouble to come to the door!"
+
+"Mrs. MANGLES, I think? Your husband _not_ at home, I
+see. It doesn't matter--you will do _quite_ as well. I'm Mrs.
+HONEYBALL.... Oh, you _have_ heard the name.... Seen my
+husband's picture on the placards? Oh, you're not taking a liberty in
+the very _least_. I shall be only too _delighted_ to give you one. He
+_is_ rather nice-looking, isn't he? I'll tell you what I'll do--when
+I get home, I'll send you one of his photographs to put on your
+mantelpiece.... Oh, I _don't_ think I should have it coloured, if I
+were you.... But his hair and moustache aren't _auburn_, and what _do_
+you want to put him in a red tunic for?... Really? The living image of
+your first young man? He _will_ be flattered!... You've had several
+since? I can quite believe _that_.... Well, if you will promise to get
+your husband to give me his vote, perhaps----_Why_ should I have to go
+to the--er--'Cimingtery' for it?... Last Christmas?--_dear_ me! I'm
+very sorry I----Good-bye, Mrs. MANGLES; and--er--if I _do_
+find I have a photograph to spare----but the portrait of him on that
+leaflet is really more _like_, you know!"
+
+[Illustration: "I _love_ the smell of tobacco!"]
+
+"No, don't put _down_ your pipe, Mr. GOWLES; I--I _love_
+the smell of tobacco!... You weren't _intending_ to--how friendly of
+you!... I daresay you don't know who _I_ am?... Perhaps not, but you'll
+let me _tell_ you, won't you?... I've come to ask you to vote for my
+husband, Mr. HONEYBALL; he's not a _Tory_, you know, he's a
+thorough-going Radical.... Not going to vote for either of them?--Now
+_why_?... Oh, no, I'm _sure_ you're not--you're _much_ too pleasant
+and gentlemanly to be a horrid Socialist!... You want everything done
+away with? Well, the Liberals _are_ going to abolish a lot of things.
+There's the House of Lords, for instance, you're against _them_,
+I'm sure.... Not more than you are against the House of Commons?
+Oh, but you don't _really_ want to destroy one of our most ancient
+institutions!... Capitalists? oh, they're sharks and bloodsuckers and
+landgrabbers and all that, I _quite_ agree with you there--only they're
+all _Tories_, you know.... Why shouldn't you share in all the wealth
+you're assisting to produce? Why are you to be robbed of the product
+of your brain and hands?--I really don't know--it's very wrong, no
+doubt--what _do_ you produce?... Oh, you're a bill-poster? I _see_.
+Now don't get excited.... Your only hope is in the Gospel of Hate?...
+Now _really_, such a _disagreeable_ thing to say!... If I could only
+bring you to see that by voting for the Liberals----... I'm _not_
+a smooth-tongued humbug, and it's extremely rude of you to call me
+anything of the kind.... I never said you hadn't a perfect right to
+vote as you pleased.... Very _well_, then, _keep_ your horrible vote,
+I'm sure _I_ don't want it! (_To herself, as she departs._) I shall go
+home. If I see any more of these people, I shall find I've turned into
+a rabid Tory--and I'm sure HORACE wouldn't like that!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPERATIC NOTES.
+
+_Monday_ memorable for MELBA. Never sang better than as
+mad-as-a-hatter heroine of DONIZETTI'S _Lucia di Lammermoor_.
+Three hearty, deafening, unanimous encores for the brilliant
+fireworky Hanwellian vocalisation in LUCY'S (not "H.
+W. LUCY'S," of the _D. N._, but Miss LUCIA'S) great
+_de lunatico inquirendo_ scena. After encore, inevitable gigantic
+basket of flowers handed up to triumphant cantatrice by Beaming
+BEVIGNANI and talented assistants in orchestra. Conductor and
+musicians ought not to be used as agents for delivery of bouquets to
+_prime donne_. If somebody among audience wishes to publicly present
+singer with floral testimonial, why not let that Somebody step forward
+(as the person in church who would "forbid the banns" is invited to do)
+and hand it to her himself on a stick? Or if he be in some other part
+of the house, DULCISSIMUS DRURIOLANUS would himself introduce
+him and his basket of flowers on to, and off, the stage. The encores
+and the floral testimonial quite turned mad heroine's head.
+
+[Illustration: alve a la "'Ria."]
+
+That is, so turned it round again that she became quite sane and
+chatted amicably with two or three of the leading chorus "up stage"
+until it suddenly occurred to her that she must go mad again, which she
+did at once, most effectively. After this "_Fra poco_," the swan-like
+(if swan a tenor) death-song of _Edgardo_, cannot go for its value
+unless sung by a most popular and highly-gifted tenor. So it stands
+to the credit of Signor DASH-MY-VIGNAS that, in this, he was
+enthusiastically applauded, and soon after "laid him down and dee'd"
+in the midst of an admiring and more-or-less sympathetic Chorus.
+Great opera for Chorus giving expression to their feelings. How they
+cry or laugh, and point and gesticulate and threaten and sympathise
+as guests in low dresses without anything distinctively Scotch about
+them, except in the case of one lady over whose shoulder I fancy I
+detected a tartan scarf of clannish pattern. _Normanno_, played by, I
+think, IGINIO CORSI (which name, in compliment to the national
+Scotch liquor, ought to have been changed to "IWISKIO CORSI"),
+bore remarkable resemblance to Markis o' SALISBURY. I do
+not remember ever having seen or heard Lord SALISBURY as
+a vocalist. To be remembered as _The_ MELBA Night of the
+Season--up to now.
+
+_Wednesday._--CALVE as _Carmen_ simply perfect. That is
+all I have to say; like the Raven (not _Barnaby Rudge's_, but
+EDGAR A. POE'S), I announce "Only this, and Nothing More."
+And ALVAREZ as _Jose_, "Gentleman JOE," who does
+not drive, but is driven to madness, first-rate; in last scene,
+struggle and assassination most thrilling, dramatically: even
+stall-by-the-season'd opera-goers holding breath, and clutching at
+backs of seats. Audience, ordinarily indifferent to fate of heroine
+in last act, wait till bitter end. They only quit when quite sure
+_Carmen_ cannot possibly sing any more. Madame MELBA,
+who, "_by request of the Management_"--how modestly is this put,
+O DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS!--"_has kindly consented to play
+Michaela_," exceeded the terms of her amiable contract, as she not only
+"played" _Michaela_, but sang the music superbly, her singing being
+faultless, which her "playing" was not. Mossoo ALBERS rather
+out of it as _Escamillo_, and _Toreador_ was not an Encoreador, whereat
+_Toreador non contento_. All the principals sang in French, "knowing
+the language," but clever Chorus stuck to Italian. _Benissimo!_
+BEVIGNANI beaming, and beating time. House crowded; elections
+and political parties disturb not the harmony of Covent Garden. Yet
+"last week but one" announced, and end in view. WAGSTAFF,
+seeing CALVE in first act with scarf or belt round waist,
+suggests riddle, "Why is CALVE a perfect _Carmen?_" Before
+you can break away from him, without damage to your button-hole,
+he answers, "Because she plays the part with _a-band-on_." _Exit_
+WAGSTAFF.
+
+_Friday._--_Pagliacci._--A new _Nedda_ in Mlle. ZELIE DE
+LUSSAN. _Nedda_ is rather a Loose'un, and Mlle. ZELIE
+is as good a _Nedda_ as you can get "when t'other dear charmer's
+away." Then to follow, CALVE in _Calve-'lleria Rusticana_
+admirably dramatic. Can't believe this Magdalenish saint-like woman can
+possibly be that deuce of a young woman, _Carmen_, of t'other night.
+But "_F[oe]mina varium et mutabile_ (also _cantabile_) _semper_." All
+the others good as ever, specially GIULIA RAVOGLI, as the gay
+_Lo-la-li-ety_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCRAPS FROM CHAPS.
+
+The hedgehog is sometimes accused of helping himself to a drink from
+a recumbent cow, but his larger relative, the domestic pig, is to be
+even still more commended for his enterprise. According to the _Western
+Daily Mercury_, in a farmyard in the parish of Uffculme a pig was
+observed to rear on his hind legs and suck milk from a cow. This sight
+must have enormously impressed the spectator. But it ought to have been
+a dog.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Surely a Radical Unionist is a new departure in politics. Mr.
+STRAUSS, who is opposing Mr. CONYBEARE, M.P. for
+the Camborne division of Cornwall, in reply to a question at Cusgarne
+said that he was a Radical Unionist, but the name Liberal was good
+enough for him. Mr. STRAUSS is to be congratulated on his
+new political "Doctrinen"; but, if he should succeed in defeating Mr.
+CONYBEARE, he seems likely to lead the Whips a pretty dance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It seems a little hard on a Parliamentary candidate when he is
+seriously misrepresented by his own friends. This is what Mr.
+MICHAEL WILLIAMS has suffered in the St. Austell division of
+Cornwall at the hands of his friend Canon BUSH. With every
+intention of doing Mr. WILLIAMS a good turn, the worthy Canon
+fired off a letter in the local press containing a serious misquotation
+of a speech said to have been made by Mr. WILLIAMS about the
+false doctrines of the Nonconformists. The explosion of this shell in
+the Nonconformist camp has not improved Mr. WILLIAMS'S chance
+of success, and he probably believes in the truth of the old saying,
+that "Good wine needs no Bush."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PULL ALL TOGETHER.--What our forefathers would have called
+"seeking an explanation from one's representative," is now, in these
+days of political slang, known as "pulling your member's leg!" Witness
+what happened in West Fife:
+
+ "Mr. WEMYSS said, that if they returned him they would have
+ the advantage of being able to run down to WEMYSS when he did
+ anything wrong and pull his leg at the cost of a sixpence in train
+ money, whereas, if they wanted to pull Mr. BIRRELL over the
+ coals, it would cost them L3 to go to London."
+
+The electors would certainly seem to "have the pull" by Mr.
+WEMYSS'S proximity; but why didn't some heckler retort by
+saying that in pulling a candidate's leg voters must be careful not to
+get hold of a calf?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SLOW TRAINING.--The Cork County National Teachers' Association
+has passed a resolution that "for the sixth class" the geography of
+the British Isles is enough, and "that the British Colonies be held
+over till the examination in the second year." But how will the British
+Colonies like being held over? And is not Ireland itself going to be
+a self-governing British Colony--some day? But that idea, too, seems
+"held over" for the present. The National Teachers, however, are true
+Nationalists, because they also resolved that "Professors of Irish
+should be appointed in all the Training Colleges." If females, they
+will be expected to wear the Celtic fringe, of course.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+READY AND WILLING (_in the Cornell-Leander Fiasco_).--One crew
+wasn't "ready," but the starter was "WILLAN"--like _Barkis_.
+The Cornell crew was ready and willin'. So they had the starter with
+them at all events; and, they started. Angry partisans described the
+proceeding as "Willanous." So it was,--from one point of view.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ELECTION PARADOXES.--Standing for a seat, and running against
+a sitting Member.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GENERAL ELECTION CRY.--"Take your seats, Gentlemen!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY.
+
+_The Professor_ (_who has just come back from the North Pole_).
+"----AND THE FAUNA OF THESE INHOSPITABLE REGIONS IS AS POOR AS THE
+FLORA! YOU COULDN'T NAME A DOZEN ANIMALS WHO MANAGE TO LIVE THERE."
+
+_Mrs. Malapert._ "OH--I DARE SAY I COULD!"
+
+_The Professor._ "REALLY--WHAT _ARE_ THEY?"
+
+_Mrs. Malapert._ "WELL, NOW--FIVE POLAR BEARS, LET US SAY, AND--AND
+SEVEN SEALS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IL "TRUE BLUE" INGLESE.
+
+_All' illustrissimo Signor Punch._
+
+ILLUSTRIOUSEST SIR,--I feel myself in duty of to write to
+her these few lines for to tell to her the my opinion of the of her
+country. Ah, the beautiful England! One speaks in Italy of the _cielo
+inglese_, when the sky is grey and overcast. For the first time I come
+now in the my ship to the of her country. _Ecco_, the sky is blue! In
+the our country so many things are blue--the sky, the sea, the lakes,
+the distant mountains, but in the our language not there is the word
+"blue." One says "azure" or "turquoise," but not the general term
+"blue." Therefore before I come to England I think, "We Italians see
+the colour blue, but not can say it, and these english have the word,
+but see never the colour." And _ecco_ I arrive, and the sky is blue!
+Not it is the blue of Napoli, not it is the blue of Geneva, and perhaps
+it is to-day only, but _veramente_ it is blue. It is much curious.
+
+Also I have found other things blue. Some time the sea is pale blue.
+Some time the milk is pale blue. And one english says to me, "The
+sea was rough and the wind blue," but this not can I understand. The
+his friends say he likes chaff. _Diavolo_, what taste! But perhaps
+the chaff is much helpful for the digestion, like the english brown
+bread, which some brave men eat. The his friends say also, "He chaffs
+till all is blue." Perhaps when one eats the chaff the eyesight is
+altered. It is much curious. There are other things blue in England.
+There are "the blues." One my friend says to me that this phrase is the
+french _ennui_. Then I have not it seen yet, for it is always _festa_
+since our arrival. I have heard that the blues are at Oxford and at
+Cambridge, above all at the College of Girton. But the evening past
+I saw the blue the most beautiful. Ah, the exquisite eyes! Ah, _la
+bellissima signorina inglese!_ so graceful, so courteous, so beautiful!
+And the her eyes were blue, so blue! Never have I seen a colour so
+sweet. The sea at Napoli, the sky at Palermo, the lake at Bellagio--it
+seems to me that they are grey and ugly when I think to the her eyes.
+
+Ah, Signor _Punch_, Her is a man, Her can love, Her, I know it, admires
+the beauty of the women! So to her I tell that those blue eyes have hit
+the heart of the italian. Not in Italy, but in England, one sees the
+blue the most divine.
+
+Her I beg to accept the my compliments and I have the honour to say
+myself.
+
+  Her Devotedest Servant,
+
+  ANDREA DORIA DANDOLO VESPUCCI-COLOMBO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ORDER! ORDER!
+
+ ["Colonel NORTH bases his appeal for support on the plea that
+ he will see to it that West Leeds gets its full share of whatever work
+ may be going."--_Leeds Mercury._]
+
+  O "dark and true and tender is the NORTH!"
+    And wondrous service to West Leeds he'll render;
+  _He_'ll see, when Government work is going forth,
+    West Leeds shall have its chance--at least to tender.
+  "Orders are heaven's first law." That is the kernel
+    Of the "dear Colonel's" creed; and it contents
+  Those who to Governments raise the cry eternal
+    Of "Give your orders, Gents!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ECHOES FROM THE POLLS.
+
+Elected am I? Well, I am really much obliged.
+
+Oh, certainly, shall be truly delighted to do anything in my power.
+
+Fancy in these hard times that it is a little difficult to increase a
+subscription list.
+
+Only too pleased, but must be rather careful not to infringe the
+Bribery Acts.
+
+Truly intend to live up to my opinions. Would not alter them for worlds.
+
+Cannot recall everything I said during the heat of the election, and
+probably was imperfectly reported.
+
+Do not claim any more liberty of action than to obey the dictates of my
+conscience.
+
+Afraid cannot adequately represent every phase of political opinion.
+
+Will give as much satisfaction in Westminster as practicable.
+
+Party arguments are rather superfluous after the contest, and therefore
+have to be avoided.
+
+Sorry cannot stay longer in the Division itself, as my presence is
+required within the precincts of St. Stephen's.
+
+Would have the greatest pleasure in life to discuss all these matters
+of controversy at another time.
+
+Sorry cannot give exact date, but why not say just before the next
+General Election?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEMORABLE.--Wednesday, July 10th. Evening Fete at Botanical
+Gardens. _No Rain!!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OLD WARDER WILLIAM.
+
+THE VETERAN (_loquitur_). "DEAR ME! WHAT _HAS_ BECOME OF
+HARCOURT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EX-HON. PRIVATE A. BRIEFLESS, JUN., ON THE I. O. C. R. V. C. AT BISLEY.
+
+It is scarcely necessary to say that during the sitting of the Courts I
+have little time for what may be termed recreation. So when I visited
+Bisley on the occasion of the competition for the Ashburnham Shield,
+it was in a semi-military and semi-forensic capacity. It was no doubt
+pleasing to see one's schoolfellows of a later generation maintaining
+the _prestige_ of a common _Alma Mater_; but the chief attraction in
+my eyes of the successor to Wimbledon was the presence under canvas of
+much that is left of the "Devil's Own." And here let me pause for a
+moment to discuss the traditional derivation of the alternative title
+of the Inns of Court Rifle Volunteer Corps. I believe His late Majesty
+King WILLIAM THE FOURTH (of marine memory) is usually believed
+to have been the first to call his lawyer warriors by the name that,
+to certain minds, has had since an unsympathetic significance. I am
+of opinion that the Sailor Sovereign merely confirmed a title that
+had already been obtained by usage. It is more than possible that the
+initial supporters of the I. O. C. R. V. C. were counsel seldom holding
+briefs of their own, but frequently appearing as "learned" but absent
+"friends." It is needless to hint to the Bench and Bar that I refer to
+"devils." If my assumption is correct, then indeed would the Battalion
+be justly known to fame as "the Devil's Own."
+
+[Illustration: The Skeleton of a Regiment.]
+
+I wish I could deny the reports that have found their way into the
+papers that the I. O. C. R. V. C. is less prosperous than it was of
+yore. Personally, I have it on my conscience that I have not for many
+years appeared on parade. To the best of my belief I have only once
+joined the ranks. The occasion was a prize distribution in Lincoln's
+Inn Hall. As an honorary member I was posted in the front rank of "A"
+Company. Then came the perplexing command, "Fours right," which, so
+far as I was concerned, ended in disaster. A little later I retired
+from all active military service, and have remained in retreat ever
+since. Still, at the sound of the bugle my pulse quickens, and I
+feel that had I chosen the Tented Field instead of the Forum for the
+exercise of my professional duties my career would not have suffered
+in prosperity from the alteration. In fact, I believe that with the
+conditions changed I should have had just as good a chance of becoming
+Commander-in-Chief as Lord Chancellor. But these are regrets that are
+out of place in the columns of a periodical that guards the interests
+of the universe in general, while fostering the loftiest aspirations of
+the legal profession in particular. So I cast them aside as unworthy
+the attention of a counsel, a soldier, and a gentleman.
+
+Let me return to the I. O. C. R. V. C. at Bisley. I found "those of the
+faithful who have been true to their trust" defending themselves--there
+was no trace of defiance in the action--from the fierce fire of the
+noonday sun by wearing straw hats and sporting flannels. It was a
+pretty picture, that made by the martial lawyers at their mid-day
+parade. The tents, the tubs, the kitchen utensils, and last, but not
+least, the mess-house, with its dining saloon and ante-room. Alas, that
+the stability of the latter should be inappropriate! Alas, that the
+corps, once the pride of the Volunteer Service, should be reduced to
+four companies, and (so I believe) have lost its adjutant! Ichabod! How
+the mighty have fallen!
+
+As I watched the sad and yet impressive tableau old memories flocked
+upon me. Where was the private who caricatured his Colonel, and showed
+how a shako could be combined with a horse-hair wig, and yet look
+military and forensic? Where was the lance corporal who invariably
+confirmed his captain's commands with an "as your Lordship pleases?"
+Where was the rear-rank wag who, on being told to charge, said he "must
+leave that sort of thing to his clerk, who kept his fee-book?" Where
+was the vocalist who would sing the songs of J. L. MOLLOY,
+Barrister-at-Law, and knew the ins and outs of "The Maske of Flowers?"
+All of them gone, and their places scarcely filled by new comers!
+And, as I gazed upon an energetic private of the I. O. C. R. V. C.,
+apparently preparing to meet the demands of an expected detachment of
+hungry lunchers, I wondered whether anything could be done to revive
+the fortunes of the Grand Old Battalion. Could the hours of leisure of
+the warriors be occupied by regimental trips down the river, regimental
+drags to the races, regimental dinners to one another, regimental
+visits to the play, regimental strolls in the Row, regimental bicycles
+in Battersea Park? I fancy something of this kind has already been
+suggested. Then, if Barristers do not flock in sufficient numbers to
+the banners of the Lamb, the Horse, and the Griffin, why not throw
+open the ranks to wealthy persons--so to speak--fond of the leaders
+of litigation? Again I imagine some such plan has already been under
+consideration.
+
+And, as I thought the matter over, I became gloomier and gloomier. So
+sad was I that I had to visit the adjacent cemetery, to revive, under
+the modified merriment of the place, into comparative cheerfulness. The
+mere recollection of the I. O. C. R. V. C. unmans me. It is better that
+I should pause, for I can write no more.
+
+  _Pump Handle Court, July 12, 1895._
+
+  A. BRIEFLESS, JUN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CRY OF THE COUNTER.
+
+(_By a Shopkeeper who had hoped better things of the Season._)
+
+  Great Scott! Sold again! It's all up with the Season,
+    Though Summer _is_ Summer, and Goodwood's not gone!
+  We Shopkeepers hoped for good luck, and with reason,
+    For things did look bright. But once more we are done;
+  Done, clean as a whistle! A General Election!
+    Sprung on us, through BRODRICK, and cordite, and stuff!
+  A plague on both parties, a curse on each section!
+    Your M.P.'s a mooncalf, a muddler, a muff!
+
+  The weather was stunning; Death had not been busy
+    With Royalties--bless 'em!--and London was full;
+  And though of course ROSEBERY is not a DIZZY,
+    He _did_ win the Derby, which gave him some pull.
+  The Parties kept wrangling,--but nobody bothered;
+    They didn't make progress,--but none of us cared;
+  Though LABBY played tricks, or SILOM o pothered,
+    We stuck to our counters, unshocked and unscared.
+
+  And now, betwixt grass-time and harvest, the duffers
+    Fight over sheer fudge and kick over the show.
+  And so once again the poor Shopkeeper suffers.
+    A murrain on HARCOURT, a plague upon JOE!
+  For policy BALFOUR sets forth "Dissolution,"
+    And thinks he has scored. Had I temper, and breath,
+  _And_ his ear, I could smash up his smart elocution,
+    _His_ game's Dissolution,--to us it means death.
+
+  The fat's in the fire, and the spark's in the powder,
+    We're in for a long spell of wigs on the green.
+  Our clients will scatter, and louder and louder
+    Will swell the fool-chorus of partisan spleen.
+  Sir BOTTLEBY SNIPE must be off beyond Humber,
+    And sweet Lady SPENDWELL goes Primrosing, south,
+  And I, poor shopkeeper, may just as well slumber,
+    With rage in my heart and my thumb in my mouth.
+
+  Oh, slaves of the shop, from Pall Mall to far Peckham,
+    Say, is it not time that _you_ rose and rebelled?
+  The parties just play with us. Can we not check 'em?
+    By Jove, if one chorus of shopdom but swelled,
+  Like the working man's howl, on those Westminster wobblers,
+    The sweet little game they all play it might stop.
+  For Socialist dockers and Radical cobblers
+    They've ears; but they're deaf to the Cry of the Shop.
+
+  The rents, rates and taxes pile higher and higher,
+    The Stores undersell us--and cop ready cash!
+  The Hebrew monopolist, fiercer and slyer
+    Than tiger-cat, schemeth to send us to smash.
+  The landlord rack-rents us, and then pops the profit
+    He draws out of us into syndicate Stores!
+  I tell you the shopkeeper's life is a Tophet,
+    M.P.'s play at "Progress," and _we_ pay all scores.
+
+  And then they ask me for my vote!!! Why, what guerdon
+    Have I for my votings these twenty years past?
+  Continual addition to back-breaking burden!
+    I say the last straw has been laid on, at last;
+  At least upon this individual camel.
+    To forward true Progress I don't think I'm loth,
+  But sick of prolonged Party trick, trap, and trammel,
+    If I had my wish, I would--_vote against both!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MODERN IXION.--This mythological character finds his
+present representative in a shareholder Bound to the Great Wheel at
+Earl's Court. However, Ixion and his wheel went on for ever! In which
+case Modern Ixion ought to be an exceptionally lucky person.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I SAY, OLD MAN, WHAT'S THAT AWFUL ROW GOING ON NEXT
+DOOR?"
+
+"OH, THAT'S THE OMPHALE CLUB. THE LADIES ARE HAVING THEIR FIRST
+WHIST PARTY OF THE SEASON!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW NORRIBLE TALE.
+
+(_From a Philistinish Point of View._)
+
+AIR--"_The Norrible Tale._"
+
+  'Tis a norrible tale I'm going to tell
+  Of the frightful fortunes which befel
+  A family who late resided
+  In the same suburban street that I did.
+    O it is a norrible tale!
+    'Twould make a Maeterlinck turn pale,
+    With its frightful blend of the grim and glum,
+    Of fiddle-de-dee, and fi-fo-fum!
+
+  O they were a decent Philistine lot
+  Till they caught the contagion of "Tommy-Rot,"
+  That kind of mental, malarial fever,
+  Which floors the foolish and foils the clever.
+    O it is a norrible tale, &c.
+
+  This Influenza of the Soul
+  Haunted their house like some gruesome "troll."
+  (The family--which their name was GIBSON--
+  Knew all about such from the works of IBSEN.)
+
+  The father first felt the spell unholy,
+  And the man's demeanour grew truly "trolly."
+  He was--in Peckham--a Master Builder,
+  And he "carried on" with a drudge named 'TILDER.
+
+  The slavey said it was truly thrilling,
+  But struck for another--weekly--shilling.
+  "She was ready to thrill till all was blue,
+  But it _must_ be reckenised in her 'screw!'"
+
+  His wife declared he was most inhuman,
+  And, for her part, she should turn New Woman!
+  So she grew--to him--an emotional icicle,
+  And mounted knickers, and rode a bicycle.
+
+  The eldest son, an athletic young fellow,
+  Who had gained his "Blue," took at once to Yellow.
+  "Muscle," he said, in a tone despotic,
+  "Is beastly vulgaw; good form's Neurotic!"
+
+  The youngest daughter, a blue-eyed fairy--
+  (Her pies were prime, and her name was MARY--)
+  Now took to cricket, and cigarette-smoking,
+  And manly manners in togs--and joking.
+
+  The eldest one, of a statelier carriage,
+  Conceived quaint notions about "Group-marriage:"
+  "Since man's a satyr, and brings satiety,
+  The only virtue is--in _variety!_"
+
+  Another girl took to writing novels
+  On dirt in "dosses," and vice in hovels;
+  Varying the same with Kiplingy verses,
+  With ingenious rhymes to street-slang and curses.
+
+  The youngest boy, who was "only a nipper,"
+  Contributed "Art" to the "Sixpenny Snipper,"
+  Which his sisters said was "supremely delicious,
+  As a blend of the infantile and vicious."
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  The father died of his drudge and drink,
+  The wife broke her back at a skating rink;
+  And as to the slavey, whose name was 'TILDER,
+  She "thrilled"--on street-preaching and rum--till they killed her.
+
+  The eldest son read NORDAU and LOMBROSO,
+  Till his brain went shaky--'twas always so-so--
+  He imagines himself a pot of mustard,
+  Of which egomaniacs are making a custard.
+
+  The youngest daughter's an "Amazon Queen"
+  At the East-end Halls, and she's loud and lean;
+  The eldest--whose freedom all bonds would sully--
+  Is tied to--and thrashed by--a pugilist bully.
+
+  The writer of sensuous snippety novels,
+  In Grub Street gutters forlornly grovels;
+  The "Boy Genius of Gehenna," of the babbling boasters,
+  Turns a very poor penny by Stygian Posters!
+    O it _is_ a norrible tale!
+    And what do New Women and New Art avail?
+    Egomania-Tommyrotica is all a hum,
+    Half fiddle-de-dee, and half fi-fo-fum!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BANDS AND BOMBS.--How many Hungarian Bands are there about?
+There's a "Real Blue Hungarian" (does this mean a "True Blue," good old
+Tory, Band?)--there's an "Anglo-Hungarian," and a "White Hungarian." In
+fact, Hungarian Band "with variations." The Real Hung'ry-an'-Thirsty
+Bands are to be seen every night in the Feeding Places of the Indian
+Exhibition, Earl's Court, where, specially within the bowers of the al
+fresco Welcome Club, _can_ be served a very good dinner which _may_ be
+bettered; and, if you are a Lucullus, you _comme gourmet_ will have to
+Look-ullus-where for it. [N.B.--To get this jest well received give
+the dinner yourself, and towards the middle of the feast try the jape.
+They'll all laugh _en--mais apres?_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "AYE! BUT HOW?"
+
+_Squire_ (_in dog-cart_). "HERE! YOU FOOL! HOLD HIS HEAD!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MISONEOGYNY.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--New Woman dead? Not a bit of it. Don't
+believe she ever existed. Never met her anywhere myself, and never met
+anybody who has. It's my belief there "ain't no sich person." Merely
+an idea or an influence, don't you know; and you can't shake hands, go
+into dinner, dance, or flirt with a poisonous influence, any more than
+you can with a bad smell. Whatever she is, though, afraid she's driven
+me into evil courses--rhymes. Here they are:--
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Oh, where is that horrible modern monstrosity,
+    Where is the woman whom people call "New,"
+  Who thinks, speaks, and acts with such utter atrocity,
+    Tell me, oh where are the "women who do"?
+  Half angry, half sad (upon grounds sentimental) man
+    Begs the New Woman to stoutly proclaim--
+  "No longer a lady, and not yet a gentleman"--
+    Where are the creatures who own to the name?
+  This monster has, surely, no lasting vitality,
+   Only existing in fancy and print;
+  It is just an unlovely abstract personality,
+    Coin from the end-of-the-century mint.
+  And, therefore, in physical prowess and mental, man
+    Owns her supremacy, calm and serene,
+  Because the New Woman is like the "Old Gentleman,"
+    Heard of more often--thank heaven--than seen.
+
+Shouldn't worry if I were "Misoneogynist." New woman fad nearly played
+out, only a black cloud floating across the blue sky of common sense.
+Nice idea, isn't it? Till cloud rolls by shall remain,
+
+  Yours cheerily,
+
+  A. BACHELOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "BOGEY-LAND OF SCIENCE."--From the _Glasgow Herald_:--
+
+ "The fourth meeting of the eleventh session of the Andersonian
+ Naturalists Society was held at 204, George Street, Professor G.
+ BELL TODD, M.B., C.M., President, in the chair. After the minutes
+ of last meeting had been read, Mr. ARCHIBALD SHANKS exhibited
+ an Ichthyodorulite of Gyracanthus."
+
+Plucky of Mr. SHANKS, that! As the Gyracanthus is an animal
+with both a fin and a spine, and it was captured in Ayr, it must be a
+sort of flying shark. How on earth did Mr. SHANKS get it to
+George Street? It ought to be called "By George Street!" in future.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE COLONEL'S" PARADOXICAL PURPOSE.--To convert West Leeds
+into "NORTH Leads."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TRUE SPORTSMAN'S TIP.
+
+  At anti-gambling "spoil-sports," loudly
+    The "sportsmen" they would spoil are fretting.
+  Good friends, though you protest so proudly,
+      The _true_ spoil-sport is--Betting!
+  Although it suit the baser sort,
+  What's sport to them is death to Sport!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Piccadilly Sports" is a headline conjuring up pleasant visions
+of races, and other jinks unconducive to the peace and comfort of
+law-abiding citizens--only authorised race in Piccadilly, the "purblind
+race of miserable men." Yet let no irate old gentleman storm the
+columns of the _Times_ with a tirade against the police and County
+Council on this account. Because there happens to be another Piccadilly
+up north. _Hinc (Piccad) illi ludi._ We shall expect to be reading
+shortly of "Holborn miners out on strike," "Heroic rescue by the Pall
+Mall lifeboat," or "A serious affray with poachers at Paddington."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ELECTION INTELLIGENCE.
+
+TOBY ONCE MORE M.P.
+
+On Monday the Electors of Barkshire assembled in the great hall
+of their county town to elect a Member to serve in the Fourteenth
+Parliament of Queen VICTORIA. The High Sheriff presided.
+Owing to the constitutional rule which forbids Peers to take part
+in Parliamentary electoral proceedings, the Lord Lieutenant of the
+county was precluded from showing himself on the platform. It was said
+that, indisposed to be entirely out of so interesting and popular
+an event, his lordship was present disguised as a tide-waiter. Our
+representative, however, did not observe in the throng any person in
+nautical dress.
+
+[Illustration: "Carried unanimously."]
+
+The hall, which was crowded to its utmost capacity, was gaily decorated
+with flags. Across the full length of the hall was suspended a banner
+bearing the proud device "BARKS'S IS WILLIN'."
+
+Our esteemed ex-Member was accompanied on the platform by the principal
+county gentry of all shades of political opinion. On taking his seat in
+the front row of chairs, he was received with rounds of Kentish fire,
+made in Barkshire. Having been proposed and seconded in eulogistic
+terms, report of which he has expressed a desire we should suppress,
+the High Sheriff inquired if any elector desired to propose another
+candidate?
+
+"I should think not," said a burly Barkshire farmer, ominously grasping
+a stout blackthorn.
+
+After this no one seemed disposed to move, and the High Sheriff
+declared TOBY, M.P., duly elected. There were loud cries for
+the Member, who, overcoming natural and usually insuperable diffidence,
+got on his hind legs.
+
+"Brother electors," he said, "it is an old saying, 'What Barkshire
+thinks to-day, England will do to-morrow.' Obviously some inaccuracy
+underlies the aphorism, since whilst you have to-day thought me
+worthy of being elected your Member, it's no use England coming
+round to-morrow and asking me to represent it in the Commons House
+of Parliament. This is the fourth time Barkshire has done me this
+honour; and base indeed is the man--(_A Voice, 'Who pays'_)--who could
+be insensible to such testimony of confidence and esteem. Brother
+electors--(_A Voice, 'Who stole the Emperor William's uniform?'
+Disturbance at the end of the hall. Another Voice, 'Chuck him out.'_)
+No, electors of Barkshire, let him stay. If he is put outside, he
+loses the opportunity of observing your behaviour, and learning how
+gentlemen comport themselves when publicly assembled in discharge of
+a solemn duty. (_Loud cheers. A Voice, 'That fetches 'em!'_) I was
+about to observe, when our friend's feelings temporarily overcame him,
+that since I entered the room I have had a number of questions handed
+up to me. They are a little late, since I am no longer a candidate
+but am duly elected. That, however unusual the case may be, makes no
+difference. The first question is: 'Will you, if elected, see that
+every man in Barkshire over fifty years of age has three acres of
+the best land in the parish, with a cow for every adult child and a
+calf a-piece for each infant in arms?' Certainly; I hope I may live
+to see established those desirable conditions as between man and man.
+(_Cheers._) Another esteemed friend asks: 'Do you understand Local Veto
+to mean that a man may go into the public-house, take his noggin or
+what not, and when asked to pay may refuse?' I could not if I tried put
+my views on the situation more clearly. The Veto, as you all know, is
+a Latin word meaning to _vete_, or, as we say in English, to refuse to
+stump up. A public-house is, according to 19 Vict. c. 190, a locality.
+Local Veto is, therefore, the inalienable right of the English citizen
+as defined by my friend. (_Loud cheers._) 'Are you in favour of
+Equalisation of the Rates?' To be frank with you, my idea of rates is
+that they should be equalised to the extent that makes them absolutely
+impalpable. (_'No, no.' 'Yes, yes.' Uproar under the gallery. Cries
+of_ 'JUDAS!' _A free fight, during which a man was ejected,
+omitting to take his coat with him._) Don't put him out; don't put
+anyone out. If there's a renewal of the interruption, form a ring round
+the man; then we will see where we are. Here's another question: 'Do
+you approve of Ice Creams made in foreign prisons smuggled over here in
+barrel-organs and ground out in our streets, ruining the digestion of
+our working men?' That is a question which hardly seems to need reply
+from a patriotic Englishman. But I will say--and you observe I say it
+emphatically--No. (_Loud cheering._) 'Are you in favour of a Second
+Chamber, or do you go the length of Tenification?' That is a very nice
+question. It shows how deeply and intelligently the men of Barkshire
+study the questions of the day. It is not a matter on which I, for one,
+care to dogmatize; I will therefore content myself with saying, that
+between two and ten we might find the happy medium. (_More cheering,
+the audience rising to their feet, waving hats and handkerchiefs._)
+Now, gentlemen, that's all the questions I have, and I hope you'll
+agree that I have answered them frankly. Ah! here's another one coming
+up. (_A dirty piece of paper is passed from hand to hand till it
+reached the hon. Member._) 'Could you lend me five bob till Saturday
+night?' (_Laughter, in which the hon. Member heartily joined._) I
+think, gentlemen, it is time we now proposed a vote of thanks to the
+High Sheriff." (_This was carried unanimously, and the meeting broke
+up. A torch-light procession conducted the popular member to his family
+seat, The Kennel, Barks._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITERARY TURN.
+
+There was a case in the Edinburgh Court of Session the other day,
+which shows what is thought of authors north of the Tweed--and not by
+publishers, either. A witness remarked of a "defender" that "he was of
+a literary turn of mind, and he thought that spoiled him." Many persons
+have had similar thoughts, but they have generally refrained from
+uttering them quite so bluntly.
+
+  Mistress HATHAWAY rejoiced in a daughter christened ANNE,
+    Whose proceedings she regarded with concern;
+  Quoth she--"That WILLUM SHAKSPEARE as a son-in-law I ban.
+    Why? Because he has a literary turn."
+
+  Growled Sir W-LL-M, on perusal of a certain _Life of Pitt_--
+    "Well, we all unquestionably live and learn;
+  But, in spite of DIZZY'S precedent, I don't believe one bit
+    In a Premier with a literary turn."
+
+  Said W-LS-L-Y, when a recent work he blankly had surveyed--
+    "To answer this biography I yearn.
+  What an admirable soldier H-ML-Y might, perhaps, have made,
+    If he had not had a literary turn!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"JUST ON THE CARDS."--Herr IFF'S orchestra. In how
+uncertain a state of mind would a telegram from Herr IFF leave
+the giver of the entertainment who, having requested wire informing
+him whether Herr IFF and his band could come, should receive
+this reply: "_If can come will be there at hour stated._" This supposes
+that some well-informed, grammatical, telegraphic young lady-clerk has
+corrected the spelling of "IFF." _A propos_ of IFF, a
+complete entertainment would be a recital by the Veteran HOWE
+of WATTS' poems, accompanied by IFF'S band; and a
+reading from _Le Chateau d'If_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTELLIGIBLE, BUT NOT CLEAR.--"I think," said Mrs. R.'s
+married niece, "that good singing is quite wasted on an ordinary
+evening party. Now I remember an evening when SANTLEY sang in
+a crowded drawing-room at our house, and _a pin might have dropped!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DECISION. THE DR. G. TESTIMONIAL.--The _D. T._ is a good
+judge of popular sentiment, and, attired as a Judge, is _D. T. ermined_
+that '95 shall be remembered as "_the_ Year of GRACE."
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+109, July 20, 1895, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 44673.txt or 44673.zip *****
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