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diff --git a/44673-0.txt b/44673-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0b7779c --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1281 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44673 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 109. + +JULY 20, 1895. + + + + +TO A LADY HUMORIST. + + Your laugh would chase away the blues, + Your smile is always sunny, + One must be gay--who could refuse? + Your "mission" is just to amuse; + Discarding all blue-stocking views, + You fancy what is funny. + + You have no fads on Man's Descent + From something quite atomic, + On Diet, Disestablishment, + On Dress, Diminishing of Rent, + Divorce or Dockyard Discontent-- + You seek for something comic. + + You wear no hygienic shoe, + Your dress is never frightful, + Your sense of humour makes you too + Alive to what you should not do, + You laugh at folks, not they at you, + You write what's quite delightful. + + So laugh, and always make us gay; + Stern women are alarming, + The boldest men, I need not say, + Are simply scared by such as they, + You do not bore us, anyway. + Your conversation's charming. + + * * * * * + +_Unmetrical Adaptation of Robbie Burns' celebrated Line to the "New +Woman," whether in male attire on or off Bicycle, in her Club, driving +her trap, &c., &c._--"A woman's a woman for a' that." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SPORTING EVENT--A RECORD. + +SHE WON THE SWEEP!] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Of Mr. ATHOL MAYHEW'S _History of Punch_ the Baron can +at present say nothing, no copy of this work having as yet been +brought to Our Booking Office, and without a ticket-of-leave, or +ticket-for-leaves, granted by _Mr. Punch_ himself, per the Baron de +B.-W., the book of MAHU ("MODO he is called and +MAHU," as SHIRLEY BROOKS used to quote from _King +Lear_) will not have received _the_ "imprimatur." Already it appears, +as we read in a letter from Mr. HENRY SPIELMANN (who, if any +man living knows anything about _Mr. Punch's_ history, is the Punchian +Biographer and Historian _par excellence_ and "by appointment") to the +_Daily Chronicle_, Friday, July 12, that in Mr. MAYHEW'S book +there are numerous errors on important matters. "_Mayhew-manum est +errare._" But "Herr VON SPIELMANN will put him right in his +forthcoming book," says + + THE JUDICIOUS + BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +COVENT GARDEN OPERA PROVERB.--"When in doubt play _Faust_." + + * * * * * + +"HAPPY THOUGHT!" (_Apropos of a recent case in the Marylebone +Police Court_).--What a good title for an old-fashioned pantomime in +the East End (where _the_ real pantomimes used to be): "_Harlequin and +the Mysterious Manx Mannikins; or, Snapshot and the Demon Camera!_" + + * * * * * + +BRIGGS, OF BALLIOL. + +PART II. + +Two years passed, and never a syllable could I learn of +BRIGGS. Then I met TROTTER of Trinity at Piccadilly +Circus. "By the way," said he, "I suppose you have heard about poor +old BRIGGS?" "No!" I cried. "What of him?" "Oh, I thought you +would be sure to know, or I would have broken it to you more gently." +"Why?" I asked, with apprehension. "Has anything happened to him?" +"Well," he replied, with some hesitation, "I--er--I hardly like to tell +you. You were such a friend of his." "You don't mean to say that he +is----?" "Dead? No, poor fellow, not dead exactly, but worse than that, +I fear. He has become a New Man, you see." I looked at TROTTER +in bewilderment. "Why, you see, he is married--yes, he married the +O'GRESS, you know. Poor BRIGGS! I saw him yesterday, +and, upon my word, I should scarcely have known him. But go and see him +yourself; you will never believe my story." + +TROTTER wrote me the address on a card, and the next day +I called. The maid looked somewhat surprised when I asked for Mr. +BRIGGS. He was at home, oh, yes, he was at home, but she +didn't know whether he could see me or not, as he was feeding the +baby. This announcement rather staggered me, but I pulled myself +together sufficiently to assure her that I was an old friend of Mr. +BRIGGS; and, on learning this, she asked me to walk upstairs. +"This is the nursery," she said, when we had reached the topmost +storey. "You will find Mr. BRIGGS inside." + +I opened the door, and what a scene greeted me! There was +BRIGGS, my old friend BRIGGS, the gallant +BRIGGS of Balliol, rocking ceaselessly to and fro the while +he crooned in a low monotone to a bundle of pins and flannel that +lay cradled in his arms. I sprang forward to grip him by the hand. +He laid his finger on his lips, and in an agonised whisper murmured, +"Sh!--You'll wake the baby!" I controlled myself, and sank into a +chair, to which he motioned me. BRIGGS hushed the infant +anxiously for a minute or two until it was well asleep; then he turned +to me, and with a sickly smile whispered, "I'm glad to see you, +ROBINSON, but please talk very gently, for fear of waking the +Cutsababoo." + +It grieved me to hear poor BRIGGS talk in this fashion, but +there were a thousand questions I was burning to ask him. + +"Oh, BRIGGS, why did you leave Balliol so suddenly?" "Sh!" +he answered, looking nervously round him. "_She_ took me away." "And +why did you never write to anyone?" "Sh! _She_ forbade me." "Forbade +you?" "Yes, yes, indeed. Oh, ROBINSON, you do not know my +wife!" I was inwardly thanking my stars that I had not this honour when +BRIGGS, overcome with his emotion, suddenly flung up his arms +and covered his face with his hands. The action upset the equilibrium +of the baby, which rolled off his lap, fell on the floor, and awoke +with a scream. With a cry of dismay BRIGGS caught up the +bundle, and tossed it violently up and down, addressing it the while in +such intelligible terms as these--"And did it wake its darling ducky +Cutsababoo, it did! It was a naughty cruel Dada, it was!" + +It would be hard to say which made the greater noise, BRIGGS +or the baby; but BRIGGS had the staying power, and after +a fight the baby gave it up. BRIGGS gazed at it as it lay +exhausted in his arms, then turning to me, he said, "I think the +Cutsababoo has done crying now, ROBINSON. Will you excuse me +if I sing him to by-byes?" In olden days BRIGGS had a glorious +baritone voice, and to hear him sing the Balliol Boating Song was a +musical treat. I therefore readily agreed to stay and listen. "The +Duckydoo is very particular," explained BRIGGS. "He will only +go to sleep to his own ickle tune, _The New Lullaby_." + + "Mummy has gone to the city, + Cutsaba--Cutsababoo! + But Mummy will think of her Pretty, + And buy him a little toy too. + Daddy will dandle the Darling, + And show him his beautiful toy. + Hushaby, Pet! Baby, don't fret! + Sleepery, Peepery Boy! + + "Mummy is making the money, + Cutsaba--Cutsababoo! + To buy a new bonnet for sonny, + A jacket for Daddykins too. + Daddy will dandle the Darling, + And show him his beautiful toy. + Hushaby, Pet! Baby, don't fret! + Sleepery, Peepery Boy!" + +BRIGGS had just reached the end of the second verse when his +keenly sensitive ear caught the sound of a latchkey turning in the +door. A look of terror crossed his face. "It's _she!_ It's _she!_" he +cried. "Oh, ROBINSON, if she finds you here! Oh, if you love +me, fly!" I needed no second bidding. With a hasty grip of the hand I +bade my friend farewell, and this is the last that has been seen of +BRIGGS of Balliol. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MODERN MAID OF ATHENS. + +_John Bull_ (_hesitatingly_). "MAID OF ATHENS, ERE WE +'PART'----" + +_Maid of Athens_ (_interrupting_). "THINK WHAT YOU OWE TO ATTIC +ART?." + +[ the invitation of H.R.H. the Prince of WALES, a large +meeting of these interested in the British School of Art at Athens was +held on July 9 in St. James's Palace. The Prince of WALES +said: "I sincerely hope we may soon hear that the School has been +placed in an assured position for ever."--_Times Report._]] + + * * * * * + +CUE FOR CANVASSERS. + +(_By a Cynic._) + +["In all the doubtful constituencies the result may be regarded as +depending largely upon the persuasion and argument brought to bear upon +individual electors."--_The Yorkshire Post._] + + Persuasion? Argument? Very nice names + For Radical Caucusites, Primrose Dames, + And other retailers of party riddles, + _Ex parte_ statements, and taradiddles! + Gregarious voters, of old bribes did you all; + Now argument deals with the "individual." + With the man--or his wife--you must seek occasion, + Canvasser clever, to try "persuasion." + To "argue" that BLOGGS is the likeliest chap + To pour prosperity into your lap; + To "persuade" the Missus that that MCQUIRK + Will deprive her "man" of his beer _and_ work! + Oh, sweet are the virtues, upon occasion, + Of moral (or even _im_moral) 'suasion! + When blankets run out and when money's all spent, + Then, then comes the value of "argument." + And if the "argument" takes the form + Of orders and jobs in a perfect storm; + And when "persuasion" the future gauges + A promise of liquor and higher wages; + Why, then the result is the same almost, + 'Twixt you and me, and the (_Yorkshire_) _Post!_ + + * * * * * + +A DALY SACRIFICE TO SHAKSPEARE.--Again, thanks to the +enterprise of Mr. AUGUSTIN DALY, one of SHAKSPEARE'S +comedies is rendered resplendent with appropriate accessories. _A +Midsummer Night's Dream_, furnished with new illustrations, and +sparingly curtailed by necessary "cuts," becomes more poetical than +ever. Miss ADA REHAN is a "dream" in herself, and Mr. +LEWIS, as an American playing in England, becomes "translated" +every evening to the complete satisfaction of an appreciating and +crowded audience. The play should run from Midsummer into Michaelmas. + + * * * * * + +A HENLEY BARCAROLLE. + +(_By a Parasyllabic Swain._) + + My lovylade, I peg and bray + That you will pun my joint to-day; + And we will, dreaming o'er the stodge, + In some remote lackwater bodge. + + We'll take a man JOE, bandoline, + And hick-cup, as we slop between + The bangled tanks--we'll sink and drip, + And strum the things on board our ship. + + List to my lovesick, mew, and come + Far from the giddy, higgling gum! + Relaying hearses, we will croon, + And through each glowering hide we'll _spoon!_ + + * * * * * + +Advertisement (_in "Standard"_).--"_Great Yarmouth. Small House. Close +Aquarium and sea. Servant left._" Who was there when "servant left"? +Also why "close Aquarium and sea"? Perhaps easy but unwise to close the +former, but quite impossible to shut up the latter. + + * * * * * + +"GOOD BIS"-LEY. "TELL THAT TO THE MARINES."--The United +Services Cup was adjudged to the Marines at Bisley. In this competition +the Marines were the best, "all told." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LABOUR OF LOVE! + +_Benevolent Lady_ (_who has with infinite trouble organised a Country +Excursion for some overworked London Dressmakers_). "THEN MIND +YOU'RE AT THE STATION AT NINE TO-MORROW, ELIZA. I DO HOPE IT WON'T +RAIN!" + +"_RINE_, MISS! I 'OWP NOT, TO BE SURE! THE COUNTRY'S BAD ENOUGH +WHEN IT'S _FOINE_, YN'T IT, MISS?"] + + * * * * * + +A SMOKING CHRISTIAN CONCERT.--In these smoking hot July days a +Smoking Mission seems a good notion. Yet the Baccy-nalian missionaries +may probably have to say, "We have pipe'd unto you, and you have not +responded," except as long as the supply held out. Will there be +distributed tracts entitled _A Bird's Eye View of Heaven_, _A Short Cut +to Truth_, _Returns to Virtue_, _What is Life?_--_A Mixture!_ + + * * * * * + +PROVERB À PROPOS OF LATEST NEW WALTZ, "KING GRETCHEN."--"It's +the last STRAUSS that breaks the record." + + * * * * * + +BAWBEES ACROSS THE BORDER.--The _Dundee Advertiser_ has +recently published a table showing the distribution of Ministerial +salaries amongst Peers, Liberal Unionists, and Scotchmen. According +to our canny contemporary, "Scotland fares badly in the new +Administration." The reason for this lament is found in the fact +that the share of Caledonia--"the spoil is taken chiefly by the Clan +Balfour," remarks the _D. A._--amounts only to £12,425. And yet this +sum represents the "banging" of a good many "saxpences." North Britain +is unreasonable! + + * * * * * + +WASTING HER SWEETNESS. + +(_An Electioneering Study._) + + ARGUMENT.--Mrs. HORACE HONEYBALL, wife of the + Liberal Candidate for a Metropolitan Working-class Constituency, has + undertaken in her husband's interests a house-to-house canvass in + Bodgers' Buildings. + +_Mrs. H. H._ (_to herself, as she threads her way through a grove +of drying linen_). "I do _wish_ they would hang out their washing +somewhere else--it's absolute ruin to one's hat! What a depressing +place--but then they're all the more likely to be on our side. Have +I got my canvassing cards and the bundle of leaflets? Yes--then I'd +better begin.... How do you _do_, Mr. DOLLOP?... No, _please_ +don't move--I see I've come upon you all at your tea. So refreshing +on a warm afternoon like this!... No, not any for me, thanks, I never +touch it--and besides, I had some before I came out, you know.... +Oh, never mind about wiping a chair for me, Mrs. DOLLOP.... +Yes, _quite_ comfortable, I assure you. What a delightful home you +have, with all those charming coloured pictures on the wall, and so +_beautifully_ clean, too!... Ah, if you only knew the trouble and worry +of a great house and a whole tribe of servants.... But you mustn't +say that; _no_ one need despair of getting on nowadays, you know. And +this is your little boy and girl? such bright, intelligent little +faces. Jam _is_ so wholesome for them, isn't it?... HALBUT and +HALICE? Really! such pretty names _I_ always think; and both +beginning with--er--H.... Well, yes, _I have_ called on some particular +business. I daresay, now, Mr. DOLLOP, you're quite a +politician.... A plasterer? Now, _how_ delightful! Because I must tell +you that my husband.... No, I'm afraid _not_. You see, we've only just +had the whole house thoroughly done up. I was only going to say that my +husband has such a respect for plasterers as a class, you know. Haven't +I mentioned who he is? _How_ stupid of me! He's Mr. HONEYBALL, +the Radical Candidate for this place.... Yes, I've come about the +elections, of course. Oh, but you _ought_ to care; I'm sure you're far +too intelligent a man to be really indifferent who represents you in +Parliament! And my husband is so devoted to the working-classes; it's +been quite the aim of his life to do something for them. His motto is, +'Trust the People.'... Oh, _dear_ me, no--he's not a _shopkeeper_--he's +at the Bar.... Certainly _not_. He's in favour of doing away with +public-houses. He's a barrister--a _lawyer_, you know.... Ah, but +perhaps you haven't been fortunate in such lawyers as you've _met_.... +Well, but you wouldn't like the _Tories_ to get in, _would_ you?... But +they've _had_ their 'innings,' as you call it; they've been in a whole +fortnight--and what have they _done_?... And if the Liberal Government +is kept out, what will become of all the great reforms they've been +trying to give you?... Well, there's Home Rule, for _one_.... Surely +you're in favour of letting the Irish manage their own affairs?... No, +that's _such_ a mistake; they _won't_ want to manage ours--at least, +except Imperial matters--and why _shouldn't_ they?... All that can so +easily be settled afterwards.... Don't you call 'One man one vote' a +great reform?... Isn't it monstrous that some people should have five +or six votes, while you only have one?... It's foolish to say they're +'welcome to them,' like that, when they only use them to deprive you +of your rights.... Then there's Welsh Disestablishment.... Oh, if you +really can't see the immense importance of it, all I can say is, I'm +extremely sorry.... Yes, I'm going now, and I hope, before the election +day comes, you will have learnt to take a more enlightened----_Good_ +afternoon." + +"I'm so glad to have found you at home, Mr. BILGER. I'm +Mrs. HONEYBALL, and I want you to support my husband at the +election--he's standing as a Liberal, you know.... Oh, yes, I think +I can tell you his views on the Liquor Traffic. He's anxious to see +the curse of drinking thoroughly stamped out.... No, I'm sure you're +no friend to publicans--you look _far_ too respectable.... Yes, as you +say, they get rich on the earnings of the poor, and it's high time +they were done away with.... _Certainly_ you may ask me a question.... +No, of course my husband would not _dream_ of putting down Clubs: he +belongs to several himself.... Oh, you meant _Working-men's_ Clubs. You +belong to one yourself? So _sensible_ of you!--and of course there can +be no possible objection, so long as no intoxicating liquor----_Not_ +conducted on Teetotal principles? I'm afraid that _would_ make a +difference.... Why? Because, don't you _see_, if people can go and +join Clubs, and get drink there, there would be no use in closing the +public-houses, _would_ there? We must be _logical_.... No _doubt_ +intoxicating drinks are supplied in Clubs, but I don't see what _that_ +has to do with it.... My husband? No, he's not a total abstainer, but +still----... No, no; it's not a question of one law for the Rich and +another for the Poor at _all_. You don't quite _understand_.... If +you _really_ have heard enough, I'll go, of course.... Not at all. If +anything I've said has helped you in making up your mind, I'm only +too----Don't trouble to come to the door!" + +"Mrs. MANGLES, I think? Your husband _not_ at home, I +see. It doesn't matter--you will do _quite_ as well. I'm Mrs. +HONEYBALL.... Oh, you _have_ heard the name.... Seen my +husband's picture on the placards? Oh, you're not taking a liberty in +the very _least_. I shall be only too _delighted_ to give you one. He +_is_ rather nice-looking, isn't he? I'll tell you what I'll do--when +I get home, I'll send you one of his photographs to put on your +mantelpiece.... Oh, I _don't_ think I should have it coloured, if I +were you.... But his hair and moustache aren't _auburn_, and what _do_ +you want to put him in a red tunic for?... Really? The living image of +your first young man? He _will_ be flattered!... You've had several +since? I can quite believe _that_.... Well, if you will promise to get +your husband to give me his vote, perhaps----_Why_ should I have to go +to the--er--'Cimingtery' for it?... Last Christmas?--_dear_ me! I'm +very sorry I----Good-bye, Mrs. MANGLES; and--er--if I _do_ +find I have a photograph to spare----but the portrait of him on that +leaflet is really more _like_, you know!" + +[Illustration: "I _love_ the smell of tobacco!"] + +"No, don't put _down_ your pipe, Mr. GOWLES; I--I _love_ +the smell of tobacco!... You weren't _intending_ to--how friendly of +you!... I daresay you don't know who _I_ am?... Perhaps not, but you'll +let me _tell_ you, won't you?... I've come to ask you to vote for my +husband, Mr. HONEYBALL; he's not a _Tory_, you know, he's a +thorough-going Radical.... Not going to vote for either of them?--Now +_why_?... Oh, no, I'm _sure_ you're not--you're _much_ too pleasant +and gentlemanly to be a horrid Socialist!... You want everything done +away with? Well, the Liberals _are_ going to abolish a lot of things. +There's the House of Lords, for instance, you're against _them_, +I'm sure.... Not more than you are against the House of Commons? +Oh, but you don't _really_ want to destroy one of our most ancient +institutions!... Capitalists? oh, they're sharks and bloodsuckers and +landgrabbers and all that, I _quite_ agree with you there--only they're +all _Tories_, you know.... Why shouldn't you share in all the wealth +you're assisting to produce? Why are you to be robbed of the product +of your brain and hands?--I really don't know--it's very wrong, no +doubt--what _do_ you produce?... Oh, you're a bill-poster? I _see_. +Now don't get excited.... Your only hope is in the Gospel of Hate?... +Now _really_, such a _disagreeable_ thing to say!... If I could only +bring you to see that by voting for the Liberals----... I'm _not_ +a smooth-tongued humbug, and it's extremely rude of you to call me +anything of the kind.... I never said you hadn't a perfect right to +vote as you pleased.... Very _well_, then, _keep_ your horrible vote, +I'm sure _I_ don't want it! (_To herself, as she departs._) I shall go +home. If I see any more of these people, I shall find I've turned into +a rabid Tory--and I'm sure HORACE wouldn't like that!" + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Monday_ memorable for MELBA. Never sang better than as +mad-as-a-hatter heroine of DONIZETTI'S _Lucia di Lammermoor_. +Three hearty, deafening, unanimous encores for the brilliant +fireworky Hanwellian vocalisation in LUCY'S (not "H. +W. LUCY'S," of the _D. N._, but Miss LUCIA'S) great +_de lunatico inquirendo_ scena. After encore, inevitable gigantic +basket of flowers handed up to triumphant cantatrice by Beaming +BEVIGNANI and talented assistants in orchestra. Conductor and +musicians ought not to be used as agents for delivery of bouquets to +_prime donne_. If somebody among audience wishes to publicly present +singer with floral testimonial, why not let that Somebody step forward +(as the person in church who would "forbid the banns" is invited to do) +and hand it to her himself on a stick? Or if he be in some other part +of the house, DULCISSIMUS DRURIOLANUS would himself introduce +him and his basket of flowers on to, and off, the stage. The encores +and the floral testimonial quite turned mad heroine's head. + +[Illustration: alvé à la "'Ria."] + +That is, so turned it round again that she became quite sane and +chatted amicably with two or three of the leading chorus "up stage" +until it suddenly occurred to her that she must go mad again, which she +did at once, most effectively. After this "_Fra poco_," the swan-like +(if swan a tenor) death-song of _Edgardo_, cannot go for its value +unless sung by a most popular and highly-gifted tenor. So it stands +to the credit of Signor DASH-MY-VIGNAS that, in this, he was +enthusiastically applauded, and soon after "laid him down and dee'd" +in the midst of an admiring and more-or-less sympathetic Chorus. +Great opera for Chorus giving expression to their feelings. How they +cry or laugh, and point and gesticulate and threaten and sympathise +as guests in low dresses without anything distinctively Scotch about +them, except in the case of one lady over whose shoulder I fancy I +detected a tartan scarf of clannish pattern. _Normanno_, played by, I +think, IGINIO CORSI (which name, in compliment to the national +Scotch liquor, ought to have been changed to "IWISKIO CORSI"), +bore remarkable resemblance to Markis o' SALISBURY. I do +not remember ever having seen or heard Lord SALISBURY as +a vocalist. To be remembered as _The_ MELBA Night of the +Season--up to now. + +_Wednesday._--CALVÉ as _Carmen_ simply perfect. That is +all I have to say; like the Raven (not _Barnaby Rudge's_, but +EDGAR A. POE'S), I announce "Only this, and Nothing More." +And ALVAREZ as _José_, "Gentleman JOE," who does +not drive, but is driven to madness, first-rate; in last scene, +struggle and assassination most thrilling, dramatically: even +stall-by-the-season'd opera-goers holding breath, and clutching at +backs of seats. Audience, ordinarily indifferent to fate of heroine +in last act, wait till bitter end. They only quit when quite sure +_Carmen_ cannot possibly sing any more. Madame MELBA, +who, "_by request of the Management_"--how modestly is this put, +O DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS!--"_has kindly consented to play +Michaela_," exceeded the terms of her amiable contract, as she not only +"played" _Michaela_, but sang the music superbly, her singing being +faultless, which her "playing" was not. Mossoo ALBERS rather +out of it as _Escamillo_, and _Toréador_ was not an Encoreador, whereat +_Toréador non contento_. All the principals sang in French, "knowing +the language," but clever Chorus stuck to Italian. _Benissimo!_ +BEVIGNANI beaming, and beating time. House crowded; elections +and political parties disturb not the harmony of Covent Garden. Yet +"last week but one" announced, and end in view. WAGSTAFF, +seeing CALVÉ in first act with scarf or belt round waist, +suggests riddle, "Why is CALVÉ a perfect _Carmen?_" Before +you can break away from him, without damage to your button-hole, +he answers, "Because she plays the part with _a-band-on_." _Exit_ +WAGSTAFF. + +_Friday._--_Pagliacci._--A new _Nedda_ in Mlle. ZÉLIE DE +LUSSAN. _Nedda_ is rather a Loose'un, and Mlle. ZÉLIE +is as good a _Nedda_ as you can get "when t'other dear charmer's +away." Then to follow, CALVÉ in _Calvé-'lleria Rusticana_ +admirably dramatic. Can't believe this Magdalenish saint-like woman can +possibly be that deuce of a young woman, _Carmen_, of t'other night. +But "_F[oe]mina varium et mutabile_ (also _cantabile_) _semper_." All +the others good as ever, specially GIULIA RAVOGLI, as the gay +_Lo-la-li-ety_. + + * * * * * + +SCRAPS FROM CHAPS. + +The hedgehog is sometimes accused of helping himself to a drink from +a recumbent cow, but his larger relative, the domestic pig, is to be +even still more commended for his enterprise. According to the _Western +Daily Mercury_, in a farmyard in the parish of Uffculme a pig was +observed to rear on his hind legs and suck milk from a cow. This sight +must have enormously impressed the spectator. But it ought to have been +a dog. + + * * * * * + +Surely a Radical Unionist is a new departure in politics. Mr. +STRAUSS, who is opposing Mr. CONYBEARE, M.P. for +the Camborne division of Cornwall, in reply to a question at Cusgarne +said that he was a Radical Unionist, but the name Liberal was good +enough for him. Mr. STRAUSS is to be congratulated on his +new political "Doctrinen"; but, if he should succeed in defeating Mr. +CONYBEARE, he seems likely to lead the Whips a pretty dance. + + * * * * * + +It seems a little hard on a Parliamentary candidate when he is +seriously misrepresented by his own friends. This is what Mr. +MICHAEL WILLIAMS has suffered in the St. Austell division of +Cornwall at the hands of his friend Canon BUSH. With every +intention of doing Mr. WILLIAMS a good turn, the worthy Canon +fired off a letter in the local press containing a serious misquotation +of a speech said to have been made by Mr. WILLIAMS about the +false doctrines of the Nonconformists. The explosion of this shell in +the Nonconformist camp has not improved Mr. WILLIAMS'S chance +of success, and he probably believes in the truth of the old saying, +that "Good wine needs no Bush." + + * * * * * + +A PULL ALL TOGETHER.--What our forefathers would have called +"seeking an explanation from one's representative," is now, in these +days of political slang, known as "pulling your member's leg!" Witness +what happened in West Fife: + + "Mr. WEMYSS said, that if they returned him they would have + the advantage of being able to run down to WEMYSS when he did + anything wrong and pull his leg at the cost of a sixpence in train + money, whereas, if they wanted to pull Mr. BIRRELL over the + coals, it would cost them £3 to go to London." + +The electors would certainly seem to "have the pull" by Mr. +WEMYSS'S proximity; but why didn't some heckler retort by +saying that in pulling a candidate's leg voters must be careful not to +get hold of a calf? + + * * * * * + +SLOW TRAINING.--The Cork County National Teachers' Association +has passed a resolution that "for the sixth class" the geography of +the British Isles is enough, and "that the British Colonies be held +over till the examination in the second year." But how will the British +Colonies like being held over? And is not Ireland itself going to be +a self-governing British Colony--some day? But that idea, too, seems +"held over" for the present. The National Teachers, however, are true +Nationalists, because they also resolved that "Professors of Irish +should be appointed in all the Training Colleges." If females, they +will be expected to wear the Celtic fringe, of course. + + * * * * * + +READY AND WILLING (_in the Cornell-Leander Fiasco_).--One crew +wasn't "ready," but the starter was "WILLAN"--like _Barkis_. +The Cornell crew was ready and willin'. So they had the starter with +them at all events; and, they started. Angry partisans described the +proceeding as "Willanous." So it was,--from one point of view. + + * * * * * + +ELECTION PARADOXES.--Standing for a seat, and running against +a sitting Member. + + * * * * * + +THE GENERAL ELECTION CRY.--"Take your seats, Gentlemen!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY. + +_The Professor_ (_who has just come back from the North Pole_). +"----AND THE FAUNA OF THESE INHOSPITABLE REGIONS IS AS POOR AS THE +FLORA! YOU COULDN'T NAME A DOZEN ANIMALS WHO MANAGE TO LIVE THERE." + +_Mrs. Malapert._ "OH--I DARE SAY I COULD!" + +_The Professor._ "REALLY--WHAT _ARE_ THEY?" + +_Mrs. Malapert._ "WELL, NOW--FIVE POLAR BEARS, LET US SAY, AND--AND +SEVEN SEALS!"] + + * * * * * + +IL "TRUE BLUE" INGLESE. + +_All' illustrissimo Signor Punch._ + +ILLUSTRIOUSEST SIR,--I feel myself in duty of to write to +her these few lines for to tell to her the my opinion of the of her +country. Ah, the beautiful England! One speaks in Italy of the _cielo +inglese_, when the sky is grey and overcast. For the first time I come +now in the my ship to the of her country. _Ecco_, the sky is blue! In +the our country so many things are blue--the sky, the sea, the lakes, +the distant mountains, but in the our language not there is the word +"blue." One says "azure" or "turquoise," but not the general term +"blue." Therefore before I come to England I think, "We Italians see +the colour blue, but not can say it, and these english have the word, +but see never the colour." And _ecco_ I arrive, and the sky is blue! +Not it is the blue of Napoli, not it is the blue of Geneva, and perhaps +it is to-day only, but _veramente_ it is blue. It is much curious. + +Also I have found other things blue. Some time the sea is pale blue. +Some time the milk is pale blue. And one english says to me, "The +sea was rough and the wind blue," but this not can I understand. The +his friends say he likes chaff. _Diavolo_, what taste! But perhaps +the chaff is much helpful for the digestion, like the english brown +bread, which some brave men eat. The his friends say also, "He chaffs +till all is blue." Perhaps when one eats the chaff the eyesight is +altered. It is much curious. There are other things blue in England. +There are "the blues." One my friend says to me that this phrase is the +french _ennui_. Then I have not it seen yet, for it is always _festa_ +since our arrival. I have heard that the blues are at Oxford and at +Cambridge, above all at the College of Girton. But the evening past +I saw the blue the most beautiful. Ah, the exquisite eyes! Ah, _la +bellissima signorina inglese!_ so graceful, so courteous, so beautiful! +And the her eyes were blue, so blue! Never have I seen a colour so +sweet. The sea at Napoli, the sky at Palermo, the lake at Bellagio--it +seems to me that they are grey and ugly when I think to the her eyes. + +Ah, Signor _Punch_, Her is a man, Her can love, Her, I know it, admires +the beauty of the women! So to her I tell that those blue eyes have hit +the heart of the italian. Not in Italy, but in England, one sees the +blue the most divine. + +Her I beg to accept the my compliments and I have the honour to say +myself. + + Her Devotedest Servant, + + ANDREA DORIA DANDOLO VESPUCCI-COLOMBO. + + * * * * * + +ORDER! ORDER! + + ["Colonel NORTH bases his appeal for support on the plea that + he will see to it that West Leeds gets its full share of whatever work + may be going."--_Leeds Mercury._] + + O "dark and true and tender is the NORTH!" + And wondrous service to West Leeds he'll render; + _He_'ll see, when Government work is going forth, + West Leeds shall have its chance--at least to tender. + "Orders are heaven's first law." That is the kernel + Of the "dear Colonel's" creed; and it contents + Those who to Governments raise the cry eternal + Of "Give your orders, Gents!" + + * * * * * + +ECHOES FROM THE POLLS. + +Elected am I? Well, I am really much obliged. + +Oh, certainly, shall be truly delighted to do anything in my power. + +Fancy in these hard times that it is a little difficult to increase a +subscription list. + +Only too pleased, but must be rather careful not to infringe the +Bribery Acts. + +Truly intend to live up to my opinions. Would not alter them for worlds. + +Cannot recall everything I said during the heat of the election, and +probably was imperfectly reported. + +Do not claim any more liberty of action than to obey the dictates of my +conscience. + +Afraid cannot adequately represent every phase of political opinion. + +Will give as much satisfaction in Westminster as practicable. + +Party arguments are rather superfluous after the contest, and therefore +have to be avoided. + +Sorry cannot stay longer in the Division itself, as my presence is +required within the precincts of St. Stephen's. + +Would have the greatest pleasure in life to discuss all these matters +of controversy at another time. + +Sorry cannot give exact date, but why not say just before the next +General Election? + + * * * * * + +MEMORABLE.--Wednesday, July 10th. Evening Fête at Botanical +Gardens. _No Rain!!_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OLD WARDER WILLIAM. + +THE VETERAN (_loquitur_). "DEAR ME! WHAT _HAS_ BECOME OF +HARCOURT?"] + + * * * * * + +EX-HON. PRIVATE A. BRIEFLESS, JUN., ON THE I. O. C. R. V. C. AT BISLEY. + +It is scarcely necessary to say that during the sitting of the Courts I +have little time for what may be termed recreation. So when I visited +Bisley on the occasion of the competition for the Ashburnham Shield, +it was in a semi-military and semi-forensic capacity. It was no doubt +pleasing to see one's schoolfellows of a later generation maintaining +the _prestige_ of a common _Alma Mater_; but the chief attraction in +my eyes of the successor to Wimbledon was the presence under canvas of +much that is left of the "Devil's Own." And here let me pause for a +moment to discuss the traditional derivation of the alternative title +of the Inns of Court Rifle Volunteer Corps. I believe His late Majesty +King WILLIAM THE FOURTH (of marine memory) is usually believed +to have been the first to call his lawyer warriors by the name that, +to certain minds, has had since an unsympathetic significance. I am +of opinion that the Sailor Sovereign merely confirmed a title that +had already been obtained by usage. It is more than possible that the +initial supporters of the I. O. C. R. V. C. were counsel seldom holding +briefs of their own, but frequently appearing as "learned" but absent +"friends." It is needless to hint to the Bench and Bar that I refer to +"devils." If my assumption is correct, then indeed would the Battalion +be justly known to fame as "the Devil's Own." + +[Illustration: The Skeleton of a Regiment.] + +I wish I could deny the reports that have found their way into the +papers that the I. O. C. R. V. C. is less prosperous than it was of +yore. Personally, I have it on my conscience that I have not for many +years appeared on parade. To the best of my belief I have only once +joined the ranks. The occasion was a prize distribution in Lincoln's +Inn Hall. As an honorary member I was posted in the front rank of "A" +Company. Then came the perplexing command, "Fours right," which, so +far as I was concerned, ended in disaster. A little later I retired +from all active military service, and have remained in retreat ever +since. Still, at the sound of the bugle my pulse quickens, and I +feel that had I chosen the Tented Field instead of the Forum for the +exercise of my professional duties my career would not have suffered +in prosperity from the alteration. In fact, I believe that with the +conditions changed I should have had just as good a chance of becoming +Commander-in-Chief as Lord Chancellor. But these are regrets that are +out of place in the columns of a periodical that guards the interests +of the universe in general, while fostering the loftiest aspirations of +the legal profession in particular. So I cast them aside as unworthy +the attention of a counsel, a soldier, and a gentleman. + +Let me return to the I. O. C. R. V. C. at Bisley. I found "those of the +faithful who have been true to their trust" defending themselves--there +was no trace of defiance in the action--from the fierce fire of the +noonday sun by wearing straw hats and sporting flannels. It was a +pretty picture, that made by the martial lawyers at their mid-day +parade. The tents, the tubs, the kitchen utensils, and last, but not +least, the mess-house, with its dining saloon and ante-room. Alas, that +the stability of the latter should be inappropriate! Alas, that the +corps, once the pride of the Volunteer Service, should be reduced to +four companies, and (so I believe) have lost its adjutant! Ichabod! How +the mighty have fallen! + +As I watched the sad and yet impressive tableau old memories flocked +upon me. Where was the private who caricatured his Colonel, and showed +how a shako could be combined with a horse-hair wig, and yet look +military and forensic? Where was the lance corporal who invariably +confirmed his captain's commands with an "as your Lordship pleases?" +Where was the rear-rank wag who, on being told to charge, said he "must +leave that sort of thing to his clerk, who kept his fee-book?" Where +was the vocalist who would sing the songs of J. L. MOLLOY, +Barrister-at-Law, and knew the ins and outs of "The Maske of Flowers?" +All of them gone, and their places scarcely filled by new comers! +And, as I gazed upon an energetic private of the I. O. C. R. V. C., +apparently preparing to meet the demands of an expected detachment of +hungry lunchers, I wondered whether anything could be done to revive +the fortunes of the Grand Old Battalion. Could the hours of leisure of +the warriors be occupied by regimental trips down the river, regimental +drags to the races, regimental dinners to one another, regimental +visits to the play, regimental strolls in the Row, regimental bicycles +in Battersea Park? I fancy something of this kind has already been +suggested. Then, if Barristers do not flock in sufficient numbers to +the banners of the Lamb, the Horse, and the Griffin, why not throw +open the ranks to wealthy persons--so to speak--fond of the leaders +of litigation? Again I imagine some such plan has already been under +consideration. + +And, as I thought the matter over, I became gloomier and gloomier. So +sad was I that I had to visit the adjacent cemetery, to revive, under +the modified merriment of the place, into comparative cheerfulness. The +mere recollection of the I. O. C. R. V. C. unmans me. It is better that +I should pause, for I can write no more. + + _Pump Handle Court, July 12, 1895._ + + A. BRIEFLESS, JUN. + + * * * * * + +THE CRY OF THE COUNTER. + +(_By a Shopkeeper who had hoped better things of the Season._) + + Great Scott! Sold again! It's all up with the Season, + Though Summer _is_ Summer, and Goodwood's not gone! + We Shopkeepers hoped for good luck, and with reason, + For things did look bright. But once more we are done; + Done, clean as a whistle! A General Election! + Sprung on us, through BRODRICK, and cordite, and stuff! + A plague on both parties, a curse on each section! + Your M.P.'s a mooncalf, a muddler, a muff! + + The weather was stunning; Death had not been busy + With Royalties--bless 'em!--and London was full; + And though of course ROSEBERY is not a DIZZY, + He _did_ win the Derby, which gave him some pull. + The Parties kept wrangling,--but nobody bothered; + They didn't make progress,--but none of us cared; + Though LABBY played tricks, or SILOM o pothered, + We stuck to our counters, unshocked and unscared. + + And now, betwixt grass-time and harvest, the duffers + Fight over sheer fudge and kick over the show. + And so once again the poor Shopkeeper suffers. + A murrain on HARCOURT, a plague upon JOE! + For policy BALFOUR sets forth "Dissolution," + And thinks he has scored. Had I temper, and breath, + _And_ his ear, I could smash up his smart elocution, + _His_ game's Dissolution,--to us it means death. + + The fat's in the fire, and the spark's in the powder, + We're in for a long spell of wigs on the green. + Our clients will scatter, and louder and louder + Will swell the fool-chorus of partisan spleen. + Sir BOTTLEBY SNIPE must be off beyond Humber, + And sweet Lady SPENDWELL goes Primrosing, south, + And I, poor shopkeeper, may just as well slumber, + With rage in my heart and my thumb in my mouth. + + Oh, slaves of the shop, from Pall Mall to far Peckham, + Say, is it not time that _you_ rose and rebelled? + The parties just play with us. Can we not check 'em? + By Jove, if one chorus of shopdom but swelled, + Like the working man's howl, on those Westminster wobblers, + The sweet little game they all play it might stop. + For Socialist dockers and Radical cobblers + They've ears; but they're deaf to the Cry of the Shop. + + The rents, rates and taxes pile higher and higher, + The Stores undersell us--and cop ready cash! + The Hebrew monopolist, fiercer and slyer + Than tiger-cat, schemeth to send us to smash. + The landlord rack-rents us, and then pops the profit + He draws out of us into syndicate Stores! + I tell you the shopkeeper's life is a Tophet, + M.P.'s play at "Progress," and _we_ pay all scores. + + And then they ask me for my vote!!! Why, what guerdon + Have I for my votings these twenty years past? + Continual addition to back-breaking burden! + I say the last straw has been laid on, at last; + At least upon this individual camel. + To forward true Progress I don't think I'm loth, + But sick of prolonged Party trick, trap, and trammel, + If I had my wish, I would--_vote against both!_ + + * * * * * + +THE MODERN IXION.--This mythological character finds his +present representative in a shareholder Bound to the Great Wheel at +Earl's Court. However, Ixion and his wheel went on for ever! In which +case Modern Ixion ought to be an exceptionally lucky person. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I SAY, OLD MAN, WHAT'S THAT AWFUL ROW GOING ON NEXT +DOOR?" + +"OH, THAT'S THE OMPHALE CLUB. THE LADIES ARE HAVING THEIR FIRST +WHIST PARTY OF THE SEASON!"] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW NORRIBLE TALE. + +(_From a Philistinish Point of View._) + +AIR--"_The Norrible Tale._" + + 'Tis a norrible tale I'm going to tell + Of the frightful fortunes which befel + A family who late resided + In the same suburban street that I did. + O it is a norrible tale! + 'Twould make a Maëterlinck turn pale, + With its frightful blend of the grim and glum, + Of fiddle-de-dee, and fi-fo-fum! + + O they were a decent Philistine lot + Till they caught the contagion of "Tommy-Rot," + That kind of mental, malarial fever, + Which floors the foolish and foils the clever. + O it is a norrible tale, &c. + + This Influenza of the Soul + Haunted their house like some gruesome "troll." + (The family--which their name was GIBSON-- + Knew all about such from the works of IBSEN.) + + The father first felt the spell unholy, + And the man's demeanour grew truly "trolly." + He was--in Peckham--a Master Builder, + And he "carried on" with a drudge named 'TILDER. + + The slavey said it was truly thrilling, + But struck for another--weekly--shilling. + "She was ready to thrill till all was blue, + But it _must_ be reckenised in her 'screw!'" + + His wife declared he was most inhuman, + And, for her part, she should turn New Woman! + So she grew--to him--an emotional icicle, + And mounted knickers, and rode a bicycle. + + The eldest son, an athletic young fellow, + Who had gained his "Blue," took at once to Yellow. + "Muscle," he said, in a tone despotic, + "Is beastly vulgaw; good form's Neurotic!" + + The youngest daughter, a blue-eyed fairy-- + (Her pies were prime, and her name was MARY--) + Now took to cricket, and cigarette-smoking, + And manly manners in togs--and joking. + + The eldest one, of a statelier carriage, + Conceived quaint notions about "Group-marriage:" + "Since man's a satyr, and brings satiety, + The only virtue is--in _variety!_" + + Another girl took to writing novels + On dirt in "dosses," and vice in hovels; + Varying the same with Kiplingy verses, + With ingenious rhymes to street-slang and curses. + + The youngest boy, who was "only a nipper," + Contributed "Art" to the "Sixpenny Snipper," + Which his sisters said was "supremely delicious, + As a blend of the infantile and vicious." + + * * * * * + + The father died of his drudge and drink, + The wife broke her back at a skating rink; + And as to the slavey, whose name was 'TILDER, + She "thrilled"--on street-preaching and rum--till they killed her. + + The eldest son read NORDAU and LOMBROSO, + Till his brain went shaky--'twas always so-so-- + He imagines himself a pot of mustard, + Of which egomaniacs are making a custard. + + The youngest daughter's an "Amazon Queen" + At the East-end Halls, and she's loud and lean; + The eldest--whose freedom all bonds would sully-- + Is tied to--and thrashed by--a pugilist bully. + + The writer of sensuous snippety novels, + In Grub Street gutters forlornly grovels; + The "Boy Genius of Gehenna," of the babbling boasters, + Turns a very poor penny by Stygian Posters! + O it _is_ a norrible tale! + And what do New Women and New Art avail? + Egomania-Tommyrotica is all a hum, + Half fiddle-de-dee, and half fi-fo-fum! + + * * * * * + +BANDS AND BOMBS.--How many Hungarian Bands are there about? +There's a "Real Blue Hungarian" (does this mean a "True Blue," good old +Tory, Band?)--there's an "Anglo-Hungarian," and a "White Hungarian." In +fact, Hungarian Band "with variations." The Real Hung'ry-an'-Thirsty +Bands are to be seen every night in the Feeding Places of the Indian +Exhibition, Earl's Court, where, specially within the bowers of the al +fresco Welcome Club, _can_ be served a very good dinner which _may_ be +bettered; and, if you are a Lucullus, you _comme gourmet_ will have to +Look-ullus-where for it. [N.B.--To get this jest well received give +the dinner yourself, and towards the middle of the feast try the jape. +They'll all laugh _en--mais après?_] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AYE! BUT HOW?" + +_Squire_ (_in dog-cart_). "HERE! YOU FOOL! HOLD HIS HEAD!!"] + + * * * * * + +MISONEOGYNY. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--New Woman dead? Not a bit of it. Don't +believe she ever existed. Never met her anywhere myself, and never met +anybody who has. It's my belief there "ain't no sich person." Merely +an idea or an influence, don't you know; and you can't shake hands, go +into dinner, dance, or flirt with a poisonous influence, any more than +you can with a bad smell. Whatever she is, though, afraid she's driven +me into evil courses--rhymes. Here they are:-- + +[Illustration] + + Oh, where is that horrible modern monstrosity, + Where is the woman whom people call "New," + Who thinks, speaks, and acts with such utter atrocity, + Tell me, oh where are the "women who do"? + Half angry, half sad (upon grounds sentimental) man + Begs the New Woman to stoutly proclaim-- + "No longer a lady, and not yet a gentleman"-- + Where are the creatures who own to the name? + This monster has, surely, no lasting vitality, + Only existing in fancy and print; + It is just an unlovely abstract personality, + Coin from the end-of-the-century mint. + And, therefore, in physical prowess and mental, man + Owns her supremacy, calm and serene, + Because the New Woman is like the "Old Gentleman," + Heard of more often--thank heaven--than seen. + +Shouldn't worry if I were "Misoneogynist." New woman fad nearly played +out, only a black cloud floating across the blue sky of common sense. +Nice idea, isn't it? Till cloud rolls by shall remain, + + Yours cheerily, + + A. BACHELOR. + + * * * * * + +THE "BOGEY-LAND OF SCIENCE."--From the _Glasgow Herald_:-- + + "The fourth meeting of the eleventh session of the Andersonian + Naturalists Society was held at 204, George Street, Professor G. + BELL TODD, M.B., C.M., President, in the chair. After the minutes + of last meeting had been read, Mr. ARCHIBALD SHANKS exhibited + an Ichthyodorulite of Gyracanthus." + +Plucky of Mr. SHANKS, that! As the Gyracanthus is an animal +with both a fin and a spine, and it was captured in Ayr, it must be a +sort of flying shark. How on earth did Mr. SHANKS get it to +George Street? It ought to be called "By George Street!" in future. + + * * * * * + +"THE COLONEL'S" PARADOXICAL PURPOSE.--To convert West Leeds +into "NORTH Leads." + + * * * * * + +A TRUE SPORTSMAN'S TIP. + + At anti-gambling "spoil-sports," loudly + The "sportsmen" they would spoil are fretting. + Good friends, though you protest so proudly, + The _true_ spoil-sport is--Betting! + Although it suit the baser sort, + What's sport to them is death to Sport! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +"Piccadilly Sports" is a headline conjuring up pleasant visions +of races, and other jinks unconducive to the peace and comfort of +law-abiding citizens--only authorised race in Piccadilly, the "purblind +race of miserable men." Yet let no irate old gentleman storm the +columns of the _Times_ with a tirade against the police and County +Council on this account. Because there happens to be another Piccadilly +up north. _Hinc (Piccad) illi ludi._ We shall expect to be reading +shortly of "Holborn miners out on strike," "Heroic rescue by the Pall +Mall lifeboat," or "A serious affray with poachers at Paddington." + + * * * * * + +ELECTION INTELLIGENCE. + +TOBY ONCE MORE M.P. + +On Monday the Electors of Barkshire assembled in the great hall +of their county town to elect a Member to serve in the Fourteenth +Parliament of Queen VICTORIA. The High Sheriff presided. +Owing to the constitutional rule which forbids Peers to take part +in Parliamentary electoral proceedings, the Lord Lieutenant of the +county was precluded from showing himself on the platform. It was said +that, indisposed to be entirely out of so interesting and popular +an event, his lordship was present disguised as a tide-waiter. Our +representative, however, did not observe in the throng any person in +nautical dress. + +[Illustration: "Carried unanimously."] + +The hall, which was crowded to its utmost capacity, was gaily decorated +with flags. Across the full length of the hall was suspended a banner +bearing the proud device "BARKS'S IS WILLIN'." + +Our esteemed ex-Member was accompanied on the platform by the principal +county gentry of all shades of political opinion. On taking his seat in +the front row of chairs, he was received with rounds of Kentish fire, +made in Barkshire. Having been proposed and seconded in eulogistic +terms, report of which he has expressed a desire we should suppress, +the High Sheriff inquired if any elector desired to propose another +candidate? + +"I should think not," said a burly Barkshire farmer, ominously grasping +a stout blackthorn. + +After this no one seemed disposed to move, and the High Sheriff +declared TOBY, M.P., duly elected. There were loud cries for +the Member, who, overcoming natural and usually insuperable diffidence, +got on his hind legs. + +"Brother electors," he said, "it is an old saying, 'What Barkshire +thinks to-day, England will do to-morrow.' Obviously some inaccuracy +underlies the aphorism, since whilst you have to-day thought me +worthy of being elected your Member, it's no use England coming +round to-morrow and asking me to represent it in the Commons House +of Parliament. This is the fourth time Barkshire has done me this +honour; and base indeed is the man--(_A Voice, 'Who pays'_)--who could +be insensible to such testimony of confidence and esteem. Brother +electors--(_A Voice, 'Who stole the Emperor William's uniform?' +Disturbance at the end of the hall. Another Voice, 'Chuck him out.'_) +No, electors of Barkshire, let him stay. If he is put outside, he +loses the opportunity of observing your behaviour, and learning how +gentlemen comport themselves when publicly assembled in discharge of +a solemn duty. (_Loud cheers. A Voice, 'That fetches 'em!'_) I was +about to observe, when our friend's feelings temporarily overcame him, +that since I entered the room I have had a number of questions handed +up to me. They are a little late, since I am no longer a candidate +but am duly elected. That, however unusual the case may be, makes no +difference. The first question is: 'Will you, if elected, see that +every man in Barkshire over fifty years of age has three acres of +the best land in the parish, with a cow for every adult child and a +calf a-piece for each infant in arms?' Certainly; I hope I may live +to see established those desirable conditions as between man and man. +(_Cheers._) Another esteemed friend asks: 'Do you understand Local Veto +to mean that a man may go into the public-house, take his noggin or +what not, and when asked to pay may refuse?' I could not if I tried put +my views on the situation more clearly. The Veto, as you all know, is +a Latin word meaning to _vete_, or, as we say in English, to refuse to +stump up. A public-house is, according to 19 Vict. c. 190, a locality. +Local Veto is, therefore, the inalienable right of the English citizen +as defined by my friend. (_Loud cheers._) 'Are you in favour of +Equalisation of the Rates?' To be frank with you, my idea of rates is +that they should be equalised to the extent that makes them absolutely +impalpable. (_'No, no.' 'Yes, yes.' Uproar under the gallery. Cries +of_ 'JUDAS!' _A free fight, during which a man was ejected, +omitting to take his coat with him._) Don't put him out; don't put +anyone out. If there's a renewal of the interruption, form a ring round +the man; then we will see where we are. Here's another question: 'Do +you approve of Ice Creams made in foreign prisons smuggled over here in +barrel-organs and ground out in our streets, ruining the digestion of +our working men?' That is a question which hardly seems to need reply +from a patriotic Englishman. But I will say--and you observe I say it +emphatically--No. (_Loud cheering._) 'Are you in favour of a Second +Chamber, or do you go the length of Tenification?' That is a very nice +question. It shows how deeply and intelligently the men of Barkshire +study the questions of the day. It is not a matter on which I, for one, +care to dogmatize; I will therefore content myself with saying, that +between two and ten we might find the happy medium. (_More cheering, +the audience rising to their feet, waving hats and handkerchiefs._) +Now, gentlemen, that's all the questions I have, and I hope you'll +agree that I have answered them frankly. Ah! here's another one coming +up. (_A dirty piece of paper is passed from hand to hand till it +reached the hon. Member._) 'Could you lend me five bob till Saturday +night?' (_Laughter, in which the hon. Member heartily joined._) I +think, gentlemen, it is time we now proposed a vote of thanks to the +High Sheriff." (_This was carried unanimously, and the meeting broke +up. A torch-light procession conducted the popular member to his family +seat, The Kennel, Barks._) + + * * * * * + +A LITERARY TURN. + +There was a case in the Edinburgh Court of Session the other day, +which shows what is thought of authors north of the Tweed--and not by +publishers, either. A witness remarked of a "defender" that "he was of +a literary turn of mind, and he thought that spoiled him." Many persons +have had similar thoughts, but they have generally refrained from +uttering them quite so bluntly. + + Mistress HATHAWAY rejoiced in a daughter christened ANNE, + Whose proceedings she regarded with concern; + Quoth she--"That WILLUM SHAKSPEARE as a son-in-law I ban. + Why? Because he has a literary turn." + + Growled Sir W-LL-M, on perusal of a certain _Life of Pitt_-- + "Well, we all unquestionably live and learn; + But, in spite of DIZZY'S precedent, I don't believe one bit + In a Premier with a literary turn." + + Said W-LS-L-Y, when a recent work he blankly had surveyed-- + "To answer this biography I yearn. + What an admirable soldier H-ML-Y might, perhaps, have made, + If he had not had a literary turn!" + + * * * * * + +"JUST ON THE CARDS."--Herr IFF'S orchestra. In how +uncertain a state of mind would a telegram from Herr IFF leave +the giver of the entertainment who, having requested wire informing +him whether Herr IFF and his band could come, should receive +this reply: "_If can come will be there at hour stated._" This supposes +that some well-informed, grammatical, telegraphic young lady-clerk has +corrected the spelling of "IFF." _À propos_ of IFF, a +complete entertainment would be a recital by the Veteran HOWE +of WATTS' poems, accompanied by IFF'S band; and a +reading from _Le Château d'If_. + + * * * * * + +INTELLIGIBLE, BUT NOT CLEAR.--"I think," said Mrs. R.'s +married niece, "that good singing is quite wasted on an ordinary +evening party. Now I remember an evening when SANTLEY sang in +a crowded drawing-room at our house, and _a pin might have dropped!_" + + * * * * * + +A DECISION. THE DR. G. TESTIMONIAL.--The _D. T._ is a good +judge of popular sentiment, and, attired as a Judge, is _D. T. ermined_ +that '95 shall be remembered as "_the_ Year of GRACE." + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +109, July 20, 1895, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44673 *** |