diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-0.txt | 1281 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/44673-h.htm | 1517 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/025.jpg | bin | 0 -> 48487 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/025full.jpg | bin | 0 -> 180680 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/026.jpg | bin | 0 -> 102254 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/026full.jpg | bin | 0 -> 283485 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/027.jpg | bin | 0 -> 51465 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/027full.jpg | bin | 0 -> 193681 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/028.jpg | bin | 0 -> 41032 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/028full.jpg | bin | 0 -> 171055 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/029.jpg | bin | 0 -> 16912 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/029full.jpg | bin | 0 -> 71524 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/030.jpg | bin | 0 -> 99927 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/030full.jpg | bin | 0 -> 237195 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/031.jpg | bin | 0 -> 72616 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/031full.jpg | bin | 0 -> 295609 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/033.jpg | bin | 0 -> 11441 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/033full.jpg | bin | 0 -> 53632 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/034.jpg | bin | 0 -> 68092 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/034full.jpg | bin | 0 -> 215197 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/035.jpg | bin | 0 -> 150203 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/035b.jpg | bin | 0 -> 15939 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/035bfull.jpg | bin | 0 -> 35866 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/035c.jpg | bin | 0 -> 18496 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/035cfull.jpg | bin | 0 -> 38559 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/035full.jpg | bin | 0 -> 307920 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/036.jpg | bin | 0 -> 50074 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/036full.jpg | bin | 0 -> 170370 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44673-h/images/cover.jpg | bin | 0 -> 93300 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-8.txt | 1672 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 34004 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 3107546 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/44673-h.htm | 1938 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/025.jpg | bin | 0 -> 48487 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/025full.jpg | bin | 0 -> 180680 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/026.jpg | bin | 0 -> 102254 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/026full.jpg | bin | 0 -> 283485 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/027.jpg | bin | 0 -> 51465 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/027full.jpg | bin | 0 -> 193681 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/028.jpg | bin | 0 -> 41032 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/028full.jpg | bin | 0 -> 171055 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/029.jpg | bin | 0 -> 16912 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/029full.jpg | bin | 0 -> 71524 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/030.jpg | bin | 0 -> 99927 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/030full.jpg | bin | 0 -> 237195 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/031.jpg | bin | 0 -> 72616 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/031full.jpg | bin | 0 -> 295609 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/033.jpg | bin | 0 -> 11441 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/033full.jpg | bin | 0 -> 53632 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/034.jpg | bin | 0 -> 68092 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/034full.jpg | bin | 0 -> 215197 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/035.jpg | bin | 0 -> 150203 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/035b.jpg | bin | 0 -> 15939 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/035bfull.jpg | bin | 0 -> 35866 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/035c.jpg | bin | 0 -> 18496 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/035cfull.jpg | bin | 0 -> 38559 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/035full.jpg | bin | 0 -> 307920 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/036.jpg | bin | 0 -> 50074 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/036full.jpg | bin | 0 -> 170370 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673-h/images/cover.jpg | bin | 0 -> 93300 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673.txt | 1672 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44673.zip | bin | 0 -> 33960 bytes |
65 files changed, 8096 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/44673-0.txt b/44673-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0b7779c --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1281 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44673 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 109. + +JULY 20, 1895. + + + + +TO A LADY HUMORIST. + + Your laugh would chase away the blues, + Your smile is always sunny, + One must be gay--who could refuse? + Your "mission" is just to amuse; + Discarding all blue-stocking views, + You fancy what is funny. + + You have no fads on Man's Descent + From something quite atomic, + On Diet, Disestablishment, + On Dress, Diminishing of Rent, + Divorce or Dockyard Discontent-- + You seek for something comic. + + You wear no hygienic shoe, + Your dress is never frightful, + Your sense of humour makes you too + Alive to what you should not do, + You laugh at folks, not they at you, + You write what's quite delightful. + + So laugh, and always make us gay; + Stern women are alarming, + The boldest men, I need not say, + Are simply scared by such as they, + You do not bore us, anyway. + Your conversation's charming. + + * * * * * + +_Unmetrical Adaptation of Robbie Burns' celebrated Line to the "New +Woman," whether in male attire on or off Bicycle, in her Club, driving +her trap, &c., &c._--"A woman's a woman for a' that." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SPORTING EVENT--A RECORD. + +SHE WON THE SWEEP!] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Of Mr. ATHOL MAYHEW'S _History of Punch_ the Baron can +at present say nothing, no copy of this work having as yet been +brought to Our Booking Office, and without a ticket-of-leave, or +ticket-for-leaves, granted by _Mr. Punch_ himself, per the Baron de +B.-W., the book of MAHU ("MODO he is called and +MAHU," as SHIRLEY BROOKS used to quote from _King +Lear_) will not have received _the_ "imprimatur." Already it appears, +as we read in a letter from Mr. HENRY SPIELMANN (who, if any +man living knows anything about _Mr. Punch's_ history, is the Punchian +Biographer and Historian _par excellence_ and "by appointment") to the +_Daily Chronicle_, Friday, July 12, that in Mr. MAYHEW'S book +there are numerous errors on important matters. "_Mayhew-manum est +errare._" But "Herr VON SPIELMANN will put him right in his +forthcoming book," says + + THE JUDICIOUS + BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +COVENT GARDEN OPERA PROVERB.--"When in doubt play _Faust_." + + * * * * * + +"HAPPY THOUGHT!" (_Apropos of a recent case in the Marylebone +Police Court_).--What a good title for an old-fashioned pantomime in +the East End (where _the_ real pantomimes used to be): "_Harlequin and +the Mysterious Manx Mannikins; or, Snapshot and the Demon Camera!_" + + * * * * * + +BRIGGS, OF BALLIOL. + +PART II. + +Two years passed, and never a syllable could I learn of +BRIGGS. Then I met TROTTER of Trinity at Piccadilly +Circus. "By the way," said he, "I suppose you have heard about poor +old BRIGGS?" "No!" I cried. "What of him?" "Oh, I thought you +would be sure to know, or I would have broken it to you more gently." +"Why?" I asked, with apprehension. "Has anything happened to him?" +"Well," he replied, with some hesitation, "I--er--I hardly like to tell +you. You were such a friend of his." "You don't mean to say that he +is----?" "Dead? No, poor fellow, not dead exactly, but worse than that, +I fear. He has become a New Man, you see." I looked at TROTTER +in bewilderment. "Why, you see, he is married--yes, he married the +O'GRESS, you know. Poor BRIGGS! I saw him yesterday, +and, upon my word, I should scarcely have known him. But go and see him +yourself; you will never believe my story." + +TROTTER wrote me the address on a card, and the next day +I called. The maid looked somewhat surprised when I asked for Mr. +BRIGGS. He was at home, oh, yes, he was at home, but she +didn't know whether he could see me or not, as he was feeding the +baby. This announcement rather staggered me, but I pulled myself +together sufficiently to assure her that I was an old friend of Mr. +BRIGGS; and, on learning this, she asked me to walk upstairs. +"This is the nursery," she said, when we had reached the topmost +storey. "You will find Mr. BRIGGS inside." + +I opened the door, and what a scene greeted me! There was +BRIGGS, my old friend BRIGGS, the gallant +BRIGGS of Balliol, rocking ceaselessly to and fro the while +he crooned in a low monotone to a bundle of pins and flannel that +lay cradled in his arms. I sprang forward to grip him by the hand. +He laid his finger on his lips, and in an agonised whisper murmured, +"Sh!--You'll wake the baby!" I controlled myself, and sank into a +chair, to which he motioned me. BRIGGS hushed the infant +anxiously for a minute or two until it was well asleep; then he turned +to me, and with a sickly smile whispered, "I'm glad to see you, +ROBINSON, but please talk very gently, for fear of waking the +Cutsababoo." + +It grieved me to hear poor BRIGGS talk in this fashion, but +there were a thousand questions I was burning to ask him. + +"Oh, BRIGGS, why did you leave Balliol so suddenly?" "Sh!" +he answered, looking nervously round him. "_She_ took me away." "And +why did you never write to anyone?" "Sh! _She_ forbade me." "Forbade +you?" "Yes, yes, indeed. Oh, ROBINSON, you do not know my +wife!" I was inwardly thanking my stars that I had not this honour when +BRIGGS, overcome with his emotion, suddenly flung up his arms +and covered his face with his hands. The action upset the equilibrium +of the baby, which rolled off his lap, fell on the floor, and awoke +with a scream. With a cry of dismay BRIGGS caught up the +bundle, and tossed it violently up and down, addressing it the while in +such intelligible terms as these--"And did it wake its darling ducky +Cutsababoo, it did! It was a naughty cruel Dada, it was!" + +It would be hard to say which made the greater noise, BRIGGS +or the baby; but BRIGGS had the staying power, and after +a fight the baby gave it up. BRIGGS gazed at it as it lay +exhausted in his arms, then turning to me, he said, "I think the +Cutsababoo has done crying now, ROBINSON. Will you excuse me +if I sing him to by-byes?" In olden days BRIGGS had a glorious +baritone voice, and to hear him sing the Balliol Boating Song was a +musical treat. I therefore readily agreed to stay and listen. "The +Duckydoo is very particular," explained BRIGGS. "He will only +go to sleep to his own ickle tune, _The New Lullaby_." + + "Mummy has gone to the city, + Cutsaba--Cutsababoo! + But Mummy will think of her Pretty, + And buy him a little toy too. + Daddy will dandle the Darling, + And show him his beautiful toy. + Hushaby, Pet! Baby, don't fret! + Sleepery, Peepery Boy! + + "Mummy is making the money, + Cutsaba--Cutsababoo! + To buy a new bonnet for sonny, + A jacket for Daddykins too. + Daddy will dandle the Darling, + And show him his beautiful toy. + Hushaby, Pet! Baby, don't fret! + Sleepery, Peepery Boy!" + +BRIGGS had just reached the end of the second verse when his +keenly sensitive ear caught the sound of a latchkey turning in the +door. A look of terror crossed his face. "It's _she!_ It's _she!_" he +cried. "Oh, ROBINSON, if she finds you here! Oh, if you love +me, fly!" I needed no second bidding. With a hasty grip of the hand I +bade my friend farewell, and this is the last that has been seen of +BRIGGS of Balliol. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MODERN MAID OF ATHENS. + +_John Bull_ (_hesitatingly_). "MAID OF ATHENS, ERE WE +'PART'----" + +_Maid of Athens_ (_interrupting_). "THINK WHAT YOU OWE TO ATTIC +ART?." + +[ the invitation of H.R.H. the Prince of WALES, a large +meeting of these interested in the British School of Art at Athens was +held on July 9 in St. James's Palace. The Prince of WALES +said: "I sincerely hope we may soon hear that the School has been +placed in an assured position for ever."--_Times Report._]] + + * * * * * + +CUE FOR CANVASSERS. + +(_By a Cynic._) + +["In all the doubtful constituencies the result may be regarded as +depending largely upon the persuasion and argument brought to bear upon +individual electors."--_The Yorkshire Post._] + + Persuasion? Argument? Very nice names + For Radical Caucusites, Primrose Dames, + And other retailers of party riddles, + _Ex parte_ statements, and taradiddles! + Gregarious voters, of old bribes did you all; + Now argument deals with the "individual." + With the man--or his wife--you must seek occasion, + Canvasser clever, to try "persuasion." + To "argue" that BLOGGS is the likeliest chap + To pour prosperity into your lap; + To "persuade" the Missus that that MCQUIRK + Will deprive her "man" of his beer _and_ work! + Oh, sweet are the virtues, upon occasion, + Of moral (or even _im_moral) 'suasion! + When blankets run out and when money's all spent, + Then, then comes the value of "argument." + And if the "argument" takes the form + Of orders and jobs in a perfect storm; + And when "persuasion" the future gauges + A promise of liquor and higher wages; + Why, then the result is the same almost, + 'Twixt you and me, and the (_Yorkshire_) _Post!_ + + * * * * * + +A DALY SACRIFICE TO SHAKSPEARE.--Again, thanks to the +enterprise of Mr. AUGUSTIN DALY, one of SHAKSPEARE'S +comedies is rendered resplendent with appropriate accessories. _A +Midsummer Night's Dream_, furnished with new illustrations, and +sparingly curtailed by necessary "cuts," becomes more poetical than +ever. Miss ADA REHAN is a "dream" in herself, and Mr. +LEWIS, as an American playing in England, becomes "translated" +every evening to the complete satisfaction of an appreciating and +crowded audience. The play should run from Midsummer into Michaelmas. + + * * * * * + +A HENLEY BARCAROLLE. + +(_By a Parasyllabic Swain._) + + My lovylade, I peg and bray + That you will pun my joint to-day; + And we will, dreaming o'er the stodge, + In some remote lackwater bodge. + + We'll take a man JOE, bandoline, + And hick-cup, as we slop between + The bangled tanks--we'll sink and drip, + And strum the things on board our ship. + + List to my lovesick, mew, and come + Far from the giddy, higgling gum! + Relaying hearses, we will croon, + And through each glowering hide we'll _spoon!_ + + * * * * * + +Advertisement (_in "Standard"_).--"_Great Yarmouth. Small House. Close +Aquarium and sea. Servant left._" Who was there when "servant left"? +Also why "close Aquarium and sea"? Perhaps easy but unwise to close the +former, but quite impossible to shut up the latter. + + * * * * * + +"GOOD BIS"-LEY. "TELL THAT TO THE MARINES."--The United +Services Cup was adjudged to the Marines at Bisley. In this competition +the Marines were the best, "all told." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LABOUR OF LOVE! + +_Benevolent Lady_ (_who has with infinite trouble organised a Country +Excursion for some overworked London Dressmakers_). "THEN MIND +YOU'RE AT THE STATION AT NINE TO-MORROW, ELIZA. I DO HOPE IT WON'T +RAIN!" + +"_RINE_, MISS! I 'OWP NOT, TO BE SURE! THE COUNTRY'S BAD ENOUGH +WHEN IT'S _FOINE_, YN'T IT, MISS?"] + + * * * * * + +A SMOKING CHRISTIAN CONCERT.--In these smoking hot July days a +Smoking Mission seems a good notion. Yet the Baccy-nalian missionaries +may probably have to say, "We have pipe'd unto you, and you have not +responded," except as long as the supply held out. Will there be +distributed tracts entitled _A Bird's Eye View of Heaven_, _A Short Cut +to Truth_, _Returns to Virtue_, _What is Life?_--_A Mixture!_ + + * * * * * + +PROVERB À PROPOS OF LATEST NEW WALTZ, "KING GRETCHEN."--"It's +the last STRAUSS that breaks the record." + + * * * * * + +BAWBEES ACROSS THE BORDER.--The _Dundee Advertiser_ has +recently published a table showing the distribution of Ministerial +salaries amongst Peers, Liberal Unionists, and Scotchmen. According +to our canny contemporary, "Scotland fares badly in the new +Administration." The reason for this lament is found in the fact +that the share of Caledonia--"the spoil is taken chiefly by the Clan +Balfour," remarks the _D. A._--amounts only to £12,425. And yet this +sum represents the "banging" of a good many "saxpences." North Britain +is unreasonable! + + * * * * * + +WASTING HER SWEETNESS. + +(_An Electioneering Study._) + + ARGUMENT.--Mrs. HORACE HONEYBALL, wife of the + Liberal Candidate for a Metropolitan Working-class Constituency, has + undertaken in her husband's interests a house-to-house canvass in + Bodgers' Buildings. + +_Mrs. H. H._ (_to herself, as she threads her way through a grove +of drying linen_). "I do _wish_ they would hang out their washing +somewhere else--it's absolute ruin to one's hat! What a depressing +place--but then they're all the more likely to be on our side. Have +I got my canvassing cards and the bundle of leaflets? Yes--then I'd +better begin.... How do you _do_, Mr. DOLLOP?... No, _please_ +don't move--I see I've come upon you all at your tea. So refreshing +on a warm afternoon like this!... No, not any for me, thanks, I never +touch it--and besides, I had some before I came out, you know.... +Oh, never mind about wiping a chair for me, Mrs. DOLLOP.... +Yes, _quite_ comfortable, I assure you. What a delightful home you +have, with all those charming coloured pictures on the wall, and so +_beautifully_ clean, too!... Ah, if you only knew the trouble and worry +of a great house and a whole tribe of servants.... But you mustn't +say that; _no_ one need despair of getting on nowadays, you know. And +this is your little boy and girl? such bright, intelligent little +faces. Jam _is_ so wholesome for them, isn't it?... HALBUT and +HALICE? Really! such pretty names _I_ always think; and both +beginning with--er--H.... Well, yes, _I have_ called on some particular +business. I daresay, now, Mr. DOLLOP, you're quite a +politician.... A plasterer? Now, _how_ delightful! Because I must tell +you that my husband.... No, I'm afraid _not_. You see, we've only just +had the whole house thoroughly done up. I was only going to say that my +husband has such a respect for plasterers as a class, you know. Haven't +I mentioned who he is? _How_ stupid of me! He's Mr. HONEYBALL, +the Radical Candidate for this place.... Yes, I've come about the +elections, of course. Oh, but you _ought_ to care; I'm sure you're far +too intelligent a man to be really indifferent who represents you in +Parliament! And my husband is so devoted to the working-classes; it's +been quite the aim of his life to do something for them. His motto is, +'Trust the People.'... Oh, _dear_ me, no--he's not a _shopkeeper_--he's +at the Bar.... Certainly _not_. He's in favour of doing away with +public-houses. He's a barrister--a _lawyer_, you know.... Ah, but +perhaps you haven't been fortunate in such lawyers as you've _met_.... +Well, but you wouldn't like the _Tories_ to get in, _would_ you?... But +they've _had_ their 'innings,' as you call it; they've been in a whole +fortnight--and what have they _done_?... And if the Liberal Government +is kept out, what will become of all the great reforms they've been +trying to give you?... Well, there's Home Rule, for _one_.... Surely +you're in favour of letting the Irish manage their own affairs?... No, +that's _such_ a mistake; they _won't_ want to manage ours--at least, +except Imperial matters--and why _shouldn't_ they?... All that can so +easily be settled afterwards.... Don't you call 'One man one vote' a +great reform?... Isn't it monstrous that some people should have five +or six votes, while you only have one?... It's foolish to say they're +'welcome to them,' like that, when they only use them to deprive you +of your rights.... Then there's Welsh Disestablishment.... Oh, if you +really can't see the immense importance of it, all I can say is, I'm +extremely sorry.... Yes, I'm going now, and I hope, before the election +day comes, you will have learnt to take a more enlightened----_Good_ +afternoon." + +"I'm so glad to have found you at home, Mr. BILGER. I'm +Mrs. HONEYBALL, and I want you to support my husband at the +election--he's standing as a Liberal, you know.... Oh, yes, I think +I can tell you his views on the Liquor Traffic. He's anxious to see +the curse of drinking thoroughly stamped out.... No, I'm sure you're +no friend to publicans--you look _far_ too respectable.... Yes, as you +say, they get rich on the earnings of the poor, and it's high time +they were done away with.... _Certainly_ you may ask me a question.... +No, of course my husband would not _dream_ of putting down Clubs: he +belongs to several himself.... Oh, you meant _Working-men's_ Clubs. You +belong to one yourself? So _sensible_ of you!--and of course there can +be no possible objection, so long as no intoxicating liquor----_Not_ +conducted on Teetotal principles? I'm afraid that _would_ make a +difference.... Why? Because, don't you _see_, if people can go and +join Clubs, and get drink there, there would be no use in closing the +public-houses, _would_ there? We must be _logical_.... No _doubt_ +intoxicating drinks are supplied in Clubs, but I don't see what _that_ +has to do with it.... My husband? No, he's not a total abstainer, but +still----... No, no; it's not a question of one law for the Rich and +another for the Poor at _all_. You don't quite _understand_.... If +you _really_ have heard enough, I'll go, of course.... Not at all. If +anything I've said has helped you in making up your mind, I'm only +too----Don't trouble to come to the door!" + +"Mrs. MANGLES, I think? Your husband _not_ at home, I +see. It doesn't matter--you will do _quite_ as well. I'm Mrs. +HONEYBALL.... Oh, you _have_ heard the name.... Seen my +husband's picture on the placards? Oh, you're not taking a liberty in +the very _least_. I shall be only too _delighted_ to give you one. He +_is_ rather nice-looking, isn't he? I'll tell you what I'll do--when +I get home, I'll send you one of his photographs to put on your +mantelpiece.... Oh, I _don't_ think I should have it coloured, if I +were you.... But his hair and moustache aren't _auburn_, and what _do_ +you want to put him in a red tunic for?... Really? The living image of +your first young man? He _will_ be flattered!... You've had several +since? I can quite believe _that_.... Well, if you will promise to get +your husband to give me his vote, perhaps----_Why_ should I have to go +to the--er--'Cimingtery' for it?... Last Christmas?--_dear_ me! I'm +very sorry I----Good-bye, Mrs. MANGLES; and--er--if I _do_ +find I have a photograph to spare----but the portrait of him on that +leaflet is really more _like_, you know!" + +[Illustration: "I _love_ the smell of tobacco!"] + +"No, don't put _down_ your pipe, Mr. GOWLES; I--I _love_ +the smell of tobacco!... You weren't _intending_ to--how friendly of +you!... I daresay you don't know who _I_ am?... Perhaps not, but you'll +let me _tell_ you, won't you?... I've come to ask you to vote for my +husband, Mr. HONEYBALL; he's not a _Tory_, you know, he's a +thorough-going Radical.... Not going to vote for either of them?--Now +_why_?... Oh, no, I'm _sure_ you're not--you're _much_ too pleasant +and gentlemanly to be a horrid Socialist!... You want everything done +away with? Well, the Liberals _are_ going to abolish a lot of things. +There's the House of Lords, for instance, you're against _them_, +I'm sure.... Not more than you are against the House of Commons? +Oh, but you don't _really_ want to destroy one of our most ancient +institutions!... Capitalists? oh, they're sharks and bloodsuckers and +landgrabbers and all that, I _quite_ agree with you there--only they're +all _Tories_, you know.... Why shouldn't you share in all the wealth +you're assisting to produce? Why are you to be robbed of the product +of your brain and hands?--I really don't know--it's very wrong, no +doubt--what _do_ you produce?... Oh, you're a bill-poster? I _see_. +Now don't get excited.... Your only hope is in the Gospel of Hate?... +Now _really_, such a _disagreeable_ thing to say!... If I could only +bring you to see that by voting for the Liberals----... I'm _not_ +a smooth-tongued humbug, and it's extremely rude of you to call me +anything of the kind.... I never said you hadn't a perfect right to +vote as you pleased.... Very _well_, then, _keep_ your horrible vote, +I'm sure _I_ don't want it! (_To herself, as she departs._) I shall go +home. If I see any more of these people, I shall find I've turned into +a rabid Tory--and I'm sure HORACE wouldn't like that!" + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Monday_ memorable for MELBA. Never sang better than as +mad-as-a-hatter heroine of DONIZETTI'S _Lucia di Lammermoor_. +Three hearty, deafening, unanimous encores for the brilliant +fireworky Hanwellian vocalisation in LUCY'S (not "H. +W. LUCY'S," of the _D. N._, but Miss LUCIA'S) great +_de lunatico inquirendo_ scena. After encore, inevitable gigantic +basket of flowers handed up to triumphant cantatrice by Beaming +BEVIGNANI and talented assistants in orchestra. Conductor and +musicians ought not to be used as agents for delivery of bouquets to +_prime donne_. If somebody among audience wishes to publicly present +singer with floral testimonial, why not let that Somebody step forward +(as the person in church who would "forbid the banns" is invited to do) +and hand it to her himself on a stick? Or if he be in some other part +of the house, DULCISSIMUS DRURIOLANUS would himself introduce +him and his basket of flowers on to, and off, the stage. The encores +and the floral testimonial quite turned mad heroine's head. + +[Illustration: alvé à la "'Ria."] + +That is, so turned it round again that she became quite sane and +chatted amicably with two or three of the leading chorus "up stage" +until it suddenly occurred to her that she must go mad again, which she +did at once, most effectively. After this "_Fra poco_," the swan-like +(if swan a tenor) death-song of _Edgardo_, cannot go for its value +unless sung by a most popular and highly-gifted tenor. So it stands +to the credit of Signor DASH-MY-VIGNAS that, in this, he was +enthusiastically applauded, and soon after "laid him down and dee'd" +in the midst of an admiring and more-or-less sympathetic Chorus. +Great opera for Chorus giving expression to their feelings. How they +cry or laugh, and point and gesticulate and threaten and sympathise +as guests in low dresses without anything distinctively Scotch about +them, except in the case of one lady over whose shoulder I fancy I +detected a tartan scarf of clannish pattern. _Normanno_, played by, I +think, IGINIO CORSI (which name, in compliment to the national +Scotch liquor, ought to have been changed to "IWISKIO CORSI"), +bore remarkable resemblance to Markis o' SALISBURY. I do +not remember ever having seen or heard Lord SALISBURY as +a vocalist. To be remembered as _The_ MELBA Night of the +Season--up to now. + +_Wednesday._--CALVÉ as _Carmen_ simply perfect. That is +all I have to say; like the Raven (not _Barnaby Rudge's_, but +EDGAR A. POE'S), I announce "Only this, and Nothing More." +And ALVAREZ as _José_, "Gentleman JOE," who does +not drive, but is driven to madness, first-rate; in last scene, +struggle and assassination most thrilling, dramatically: even +stall-by-the-season'd opera-goers holding breath, and clutching at +backs of seats. Audience, ordinarily indifferent to fate of heroine +in last act, wait till bitter end. They only quit when quite sure +_Carmen_ cannot possibly sing any more. Madame MELBA, +who, "_by request of the Management_"--how modestly is this put, +O DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS!--"_has kindly consented to play +Michaela_," exceeded the terms of her amiable contract, as she not only +"played" _Michaela_, but sang the music superbly, her singing being +faultless, which her "playing" was not. Mossoo ALBERS rather +out of it as _Escamillo_, and _Toréador_ was not an Encoreador, whereat +_Toréador non contento_. All the principals sang in French, "knowing +the language," but clever Chorus stuck to Italian. _Benissimo!_ +BEVIGNANI beaming, and beating time. House crowded; elections +and political parties disturb not the harmony of Covent Garden. Yet +"last week but one" announced, and end in view. WAGSTAFF, +seeing CALVÉ in first act with scarf or belt round waist, +suggests riddle, "Why is CALVÉ a perfect _Carmen?_" Before +you can break away from him, without damage to your button-hole, +he answers, "Because she plays the part with _a-band-on_." _Exit_ +WAGSTAFF. + +_Friday._--_Pagliacci._--A new _Nedda_ in Mlle. ZÉLIE DE +LUSSAN. _Nedda_ is rather a Loose'un, and Mlle. ZÉLIE +is as good a _Nedda_ as you can get "when t'other dear charmer's +away." Then to follow, CALVÉ in _Calvé-'lleria Rusticana_ +admirably dramatic. Can't believe this Magdalenish saint-like woman can +possibly be that deuce of a young woman, _Carmen_, of t'other night. +But "_F[oe]mina varium et mutabile_ (also _cantabile_) _semper_." All +the others good as ever, specially GIULIA RAVOGLI, as the gay +_Lo-la-li-ety_. + + * * * * * + +SCRAPS FROM CHAPS. + +The hedgehog is sometimes accused of helping himself to a drink from +a recumbent cow, but his larger relative, the domestic pig, is to be +even still more commended for his enterprise. According to the _Western +Daily Mercury_, in a farmyard in the parish of Uffculme a pig was +observed to rear on his hind legs and suck milk from a cow. This sight +must have enormously impressed the spectator. But it ought to have been +a dog. + + * * * * * + +Surely a Radical Unionist is a new departure in politics. Mr. +STRAUSS, who is opposing Mr. CONYBEARE, M.P. for +the Camborne division of Cornwall, in reply to a question at Cusgarne +said that he was a Radical Unionist, but the name Liberal was good +enough for him. Mr. STRAUSS is to be congratulated on his +new political "Doctrinen"; but, if he should succeed in defeating Mr. +CONYBEARE, he seems likely to lead the Whips a pretty dance. + + * * * * * + +It seems a little hard on a Parliamentary candidate when he is +seriously misrepresented by his own friends. This is what Mr. +MICHAEL WILLIAMS has suffered in the St. Austell division of +Cornwall at the hands of his friend Canon BUSH. With every +intention of doing Mr. WILLIAMS a good turn, the worthy Canon +fired off a letter in the local press containing a serious misquotation +of a speech said to have been made by Mr. WILLIAMS about the +false doctrines of the Nonconformists. The explosion of this shell in +the Nonconformist camp has not improved Mr. WILLIAMS'S chance +of success, and he probably believes in the truth of the old saying, +that "Good wine needs no Bush." + + * * * * * + +A PULL ALL TOGETHER.--What our forefathers would have called +"seeking an explanation from one's representative," is now, in these +days of political slang, known as "pulling your member's leg!" Witness +what happened in West Fife: + + "Mr. WEMYSS said, that if they returned him they would have + the advantage of being able to run down to WEMYSS when he did + anything wrong and pull his leg at the cost of a sixpence in train + money, whereas, if they wanted to pull Mr. BIRRELL over the + coals, it would cost them £3 to go to London." + +The electors would certainly seem to "have the pull" by Mr. +WEMYSS'S proximity; but why didn't some heckler retort by +saying that in pulling a candidate's leg voters must be careful not to +get hold of a calf? + + * * * * * + +SLOW TRAINING.--The Cork County National Teachers' Association +has passed a resolution that "for the sixth class" the geography of +the British Isles is enough, and "that the British Colonies be held +over till the examination in the second year." But how will the British +Colonies like being held over? And is not Ireland itself going to be +a self-governing British Colony--some day? But that idea, too, seems +"held over" for the present. The National Teachers, however, are true +Nationalists, because they also resolved that "Professors of Irish +should be appointed in all the Training Colleges." If females, they +will be expected to wear the Celtic fringe, of course. + + * * * * * + +READY AND WILLING (_in the Cornell-Leander Fiasco_).--One crew +wasn't "ready," but the starter was "WILLAN"--like _Barkis_. +The Cornell crew was ready and willin'. So they had the starter with +them at all events; and, they started. Angry partisans described the +proceeding as "Willanous." So it was,--from one point of view. + + * * * * * + +ELECTION PARADOXES.--Standing for a seat, and running against +a sitting Member. + + * * * * * + +THE GENERAL ELECTION CRY.--"Take your seats, Gentlemen!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY. + +_The Professor_ (_who has just come back from the North Pole_). +"----AND THE FAUNA OF THESE INHOSPITABLE REGIONS IS AS POOR AS THE +FLORA! YOU COULDN'T NAME A DOZEN ANIMALS WHO MANAGE TO LIVE THERE." + +_Mrs. Malapert._ "OH--I DARE SAY I COULD!" + +_The Professor._ "REALLY--WHAT _ARE_ THEY?" + +_Mrs. Malapert._ "WELL, NOW--FIVE POLAR BEARS, LET US SAY, AND--AND +SEVEN SEALS!"] + + * * * * * + +IL "TRUE BLUE" INGLESE. + +_All' illustrissimo Signor Punch._ + +ILLUSTRIOUSEST SIR,--I feel myself in duty of to write to +her these few lines for to tell to her the my opinion of the of her +country. Ah, the beautiful England! One speaks in Italy of the _cielo +inglese_, when the sky is grey and overcast. For the first time I come +now in the my ship to the of her country. _Ecco_, the sky is blue! In +the our country so many things are blue--the sky, the sea, the lakes, +the distant mountains, but in the our language not there is the word +"blue." One says "azure" or "turquoise," but not the general term +"blue." Therefore before I come to England I think, "We Italians see +the colour blue, but not can say it, and these english have the word, +but see never the colour." And _ecco_ I arrive, and the sky is blue! +Not it is the blue of Napoli, not it is the blue of Geneva, and perhaps +it is to-day only, but _veramente_ it is blue. It is much curious. + +Also I have found other things blue. Some time the sea is pale blue. +Some time the milk is pale blue. And one english says to me, "The +sea was rough and the wind blue," but this not can I understand. The +his friends say he likes chaff. _Diavolo_, what taste! But perhaps +the chaff is much helpful for the digestion, like the english brown +bread, which some brave men eat. The his friends say also, "He chaffs +till all is blue." Perhaps when one eats the chaff the eyesight is +altered. It is much curious. There are other things blue in England. +There are "the blues." One my friend says to me that this phrase is the +french _ennui_. Then I have not it seen yet, for it is always _festa_ +since our arrival. I have heard that the blues are at Oxford and at +Cambridge, above all at the College of Girton. But the evening past +I saw the blue the most beautiful. Ah, the exquisite eyes! Ah, _la +bellissima signorina inglese!_ so graceful, so courteous, so beautiful! +And the her eyes were blue, so blue! Never have I seen a colour so +sweet. The sea at Napoli, the sky at Palermo, the lake at Bellagio--it +seems to me that they are grey and ugly when I think to the her eyes. + +Ah, Signor _Punch_, Her is a man, Her can love, Her, I know it, admires +the beauty of the women! So to her I tell that those blue eyes have hit +the heart of the italian. Not in Italy, but in England, one sees the +blue the most divine. + +Her I beg to accept the my compliments and I have the honour to say +myself. + + Her Devotedest Servant, + + ANDREA DORIA DANDOLO VESPUCCI-COLOMBO. + + * * * * * + +ORDER! ORDER! + + ["Colonel NORTH bases his appeal for support on the plea that + he will see to it that West Leeds gets its full share of whatever work + may be going."--_Leeds Mercury._] + + O "dark and true and tender is the NORTH!" + And wondrous service to West Leeds he'll render; + _He_'ll see, when Government work is going forth, + West Leeds shall have its chance--at least to tender. + "Orders are heaven's first law." That is the kernel + Of the "dear Colonel's" creed; and it contents + Those who to Governments raise the cry eternal + Of "Give your orders, Gents!" + + * * * * * + +ECHOES FROM THE POLLS. + +Elected am I? Well, I am really much obliged. + +Oh, certainly, shall be truly delighted to do anything in my power. + +Fancy in these hard times that it is a little difficult to increase a +subscription list. + +Only too pleased, but must be rather careful not to infringe the +Bribery Acts. + +Truly intend to live up to my opinions. Would not alter them for worlds. + +Cannot recall everything I said during the heat of the election, and +probably was imperfectly reported. + +Do not claim any more liberty of action than to obey the dictates of my +conscience. + +Afraid cannot adequately represent every phase of political opinion. + +Will give as much satisfaction in Westminster as practicable. + +Party arguments are rather superfluous after the contest, and therefore +have to be avoided. + +Sorry cannot stay longer in the Division itself, as my presence is +required within the precincts of St. Stephen's. + +Would have the greatest pleasure in life to discuss all these matters +of controversy at another time. + +Sorry cannot give exact date, but why not say just before the next +General Election? + + * * * * * + +MEMORABLE.--Wednesday, July 10th. Evening Fête at Botanical +Gardens. _No Rain!!_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OLD WARDER WILLIAM. + +THE VETERAN (_loquitur_). "DEAR ME! WHAT _HAS_ BECOME OF +HARCOURT?"] + + * * * * * + +EX-HON. PRIVATE A. BRIEFLESS, JUN., ON THE I. O. C. R. V. C. AT BISLEY. + +It is scarcely necessary to say that during the sitting of the Courts I +have little time for what may be termed recreation. So when I visited +Bisley on the occasion of the competition for the Ashburnham Shield, +it was in a semi-military and semi-forensic capacity. It was no doubt +pleasing to see one's schoolfellows of a later generation maintaining +the _prestige_ of a common _Alma Mater_; but the chief attraction in +my eyes of the successor to Wimbledon was the presence under canvas of +much that is left of the "Devil's Own." And here let me pause for a +moment to discuss the traditional derivation of the alternative title +of the Inns of Court Rifle Volunteer Corps. I believe His late Majesty +King WILLIAM THE FOURTH (of marine memory) is usually believed +to have been the first to call his lawyer warriors by the name that, +to certain minds, has had since an unsympathetic significance. I am +of opinion that the Sailor Sovereign merely confirmed a title that +had already been obtained by usage. It is more than possible that the +initial supporters of the I. O. C. R. V. C. were counsel seldom holding +briefs of their own, but frequently appearing as "learned" but absent +"friends." It is needless to hint to the Bench and Bar that I refer to +"devils." If my assumption is correct, then indeed would the Battalion +be justly known to fame as "the Devil's Own." + +[Illustration: The Skeleton of a Regiment.] + +I wish I could deny the reports that have found their way into the +papers that the I. O. C. R. V. C. is less prosperous than it was of +yore. Personally, I have it on my conscience that I have not for many +years appeared on parade. To the best of my belief I have only once +joined the ranks. The occasion was a prize distribution in Lincoln's +Inn Hall. As an honorary member I was posted in the front rank of "A" +Company. Then came the perplexing command, "Fours right," which, so +far as I was concerned, ended in disaster. A little later I retired +from all active military service, and have remained in retreat ever +since. Still, at the sound of the bugle my pulse quickens, and I +feel that had I chosen the Tented Field instead of the Forum for the +exercise of my professional duties my career would not have suffered +in prosperity from the alteration. In fact, I believe that with the +conditions changed I should have had just as good a chance of becoming +Commander-in-Chief as Lord Chancellor. But these are regrets that are +out of place in the columns of a periodical that guards the interests +of the universe in general, while fostering the loftiest aspirations of +the legal profession in particular. So I cast them aside as unworthy +the attention of a counsel, a soldier, and a gentleman. + +Let me return to the I. O. C. R. V. C. at Bisley. I found "those of the +faithful who have been true to their trust" defending themselves--there +was no trace of defiance in the action--from the fierce fire of the +noonday sun by wearing straw hats and sporting flannels. It was a +pretty picture, that made by the martial lawyers at their mid-day +parade. The tents, the tubs, the kitchen utensils, and last, but not +least, the mess-house, with its dining saloon and ante-room. Alas, that +the stability of the latter should be inappropriate! Alas, that the +corps, once the pride of the Volunteer Service, should be reduced to +four companies, and (so I believe) have lost its adjutant! Ichabod! How +the mighty have fallen! + +As I watched the sad and yet impressive tableau old memories flocked +upon me. Where was the private who caricatured his Colonel, and showed +how a shako could be combined with a horse-hair wig, and yet look +military and forensic? Where was the lance corporal who invariably +confirmed his captain's commands with an "as your Lordship pleases?" +Where was the rear-rank wag who, on being told to charge, said he "must +leave that sort of thing to his clerk, who kept his fee-book?" Where +was the vocalist who would sing the songs of J. L. MOLLOY, +Barrister-at-Law, and knew the ins and outs of "The Maske of Flowers?" +All of them gone, and their places scarcely filled by new comers! +And, as I gazed upon an energetic private of the I. O. C. R. V. C., +apparently preparing to meet the demands of an expected detachment of +hungry lunchers, I wondered whether anything could be done to revive +the fortunes of the Grand Old Battalion. Could the hours of leisure of +the warriors be occupied by regimental trips down the river, regimental +drags to the races, regimental dinners to one another, regimental +visits to the play, regimental strolls in the Row, regimental bicycles +in Battersea Park? I fancy something of this kind has already been +suggested. Then, if Barristers do not flock in sufficient numbers to +the banners of the Lamb, the Horse, and the Griffin, why not throw +open the ranks to wealthy persons--so to speak--fond of the leaders +of litigation? Again I imagine some such plan has already been under +consideration. + +And, as I thought the matter over, I became gloomier and gloomier. So +sad was I that I had to visit the adjacent cemetery, to revive, under +the modified merriment of the place, into comparative cheerfulness. The +mere recollection of the I. O. C. R. V. C. unmans me. It is better that +I should pause, for I can write no more. + + _Pump Handle Court, July 12, 1895._ + + A. BRIEFLESS, JUN. + + * * * * * + +THE CRY OF THE COUNTER. + +(_By a Shopkeeper who had hoped better things of the Season._) + + Great Scott! Sold again! It's all up with the Season, + Though Summer _is_ Summer, and Goodwood's not gone! + We Shopkeepers hoped for good luck, and with reason, + For things did look bright. But once more we are done; + Done, clean as a whistle! A General Election! + Sprung on us, through BRODRICK, and cordite, and stuff! + A plague on both parties, a curse on each section! + Your M.P.'s a mooncalf, a muddler, a muff! + + The weather was stunning; Death had not been busy + With Royalties--bless 'em!--and London was full; + And though of course ROSEBERY is not a DIZZY, + He _did_ win the Derby, which gave him some pull. + The Parties kept wrangling,--but nobody bothered; + They didn't make progress,--but none of us cared; + Though LABBY played tricks, or SILOM o pothered, + We stuck to our counters, unshocked and unscared. + + And now, betwixt grass-time and harvest, the duffers + Fight over sheer fudge and kick over the show. + And so once again the poor Shopkeeper suffers. + A murrain on HARCOURT, a plague upon JOE! + For policy BALFOUR sets forth "Dissolution," + And thinks he has scored. Had I temper, and breath, + _And_ his ear, I could smash up his smart elocution, + _His_ game's Dissolution,--to us it means death. + + The fat's in the fire, and the spark's in the powder, + We're in for a long spell of wigs on the green. + Our clients will scatter, and louder and louder + Will swell the fool-chorus of partisan spleen. + Sir BOTTLEBY SNIPE must be off beyond Humber, + And sweet Lady SPENDWELL goes Primrosing, south, + And I, poor shopkeeper, may just as well slumber, + With rage in my heart and my thumb in my mouth. + + Oh, slaves of the shop, from Pall Mall to far Peckham, + Say, is it not time that _you_ rose and rebelled? + The parties just play with us. Can we not check 'em? + By Jove, if one chorus of shopdom but swelled, + Like the working man's howl, on those Westminster wobblers, + The sweet little game they all play it might stop. + For Socialist dockers and Radical cobblers + They've ears; but they're deaf to the Cry of the Shop. + + The rents, rates and taxes pile higher and higher, + The Stores undersell us--and cop ready cash! + The Hebrew monopolist, fiercer and slyer + Than tiger-cat, schemeth to send us to smash. + The landlord rack-rents us, and then pops the profit + He draws out of us into syndicate Stores! + I tell you the shopkeeper's life is a Tophet, + M.P.'s play at "Progress," and _we_ pay all scores. + + And then they ask me for my vote!!! Why, what guerdon + Have I for my votings these twenty years past? + Continual addition to back-breaking burden! + I say the last straw has been laid on, at last; + At least upon this individual camel. + To forward true Progress I don't think I'm loth, + But sick of prolonged Party trick, trap, and trammel, + If I had my wish, I would--_vote against both!_ + + * * * * * + +THE MODERN IXION.--This mythological character finds his +present representative in a shareholder Bound to the Great Wheel at +Earl's Court. However, Ixion and his wheel went on for ever! In which +case Modern Ixion ought to be an exceptionally lucky person. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I SAY, OLD MAN, WHAT'S THAT AWFUL ROW GOING ON NEXT +DOOR?" + +"OH, THAT'S THE OMPHALE CLUB. THE LADIES ARE HAVING THEIR FIRST +WHIST PARTY OF THE SEASON!"] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW NORRIBLE TALE. + +(_From a Philistinish Point of View._) + +AIR--"_The Norrible Tale._" + + 'Tis a norrible tale I'm going to tell + Of the frightful fortunes which befel + A family who late resided + In the same suburban street that I did. + O it is a norrible tale! + 'Twould make a Maëterlinck turn pale, + With its frightful blend of the grim and glum, + Of fiddle-de-dee, and fi-fo-fum! + + O they were a decent Philistine lot + Till they caught the contagion of "Tommy-Rot," + That kind of mental, malarial fever, + Which floors the foolish and foils the clever. + O it is a norrible tale, &c. + + This Influenza of the Soul + Haunted their house like some gruesome "troll." + (The family--which their name was GIBSON-- + Knew all about such from the works of IBSEN.) + + The father first felt the spell unholy, + And the man's demeanour grew truly "trolly." + He was--in Peckham--a Master Builder, + And he "carried on" with a drudge named 'TILDER. + + The slavey said it was truly thrilling, + But struck for another--weekly--shilling. + "She was ready to thrill till all was blue, + But it _must_ be reckenised in her 'screw!'" + + His wife declared he was most inhuman, + And, for her part, she should turn New Woman! + So she grew--to him--an emotional icicle, + And mounted knickers, and rode a bicycle. + + The eldest son, an athletic young fellow, + Who had gained his "Blue," took at once to Yellow. + "Muscle," he said, in a tone despotic, + "Is beastly vulgaw; good form's Neurotic!" + + The youngest daughter, a blue-eyed fairy-- + (Her pies were prime, and her name was MARY--) + Now took to cricket, and cigarette-smoking, + And manly manners in togs--and joking. + + The eldest one, of a statelier carriage, + Conceived quaint notions about "Group-marriage:" + "Since man's a satyr, and brings satiety, + The only virtue is--in _variety!_" + + Another girl took to writing novels + On dirt in "dosses," and vice in hovels; + Varying the same with Kiplingy verses, + With ingenious rhymes to street-slang and curses. + + The youngest boy, who was "only a nipper," + Contributed "Art" to the "Sixpenny Snipper," + Which his sisters said was "supremely delicious, + As a blend of the infantile and vicious." + + * * * * * + + The father died of his drudge and drink, + The wife broke her back at a skating rink; + And as to the slavey, whose name was 'TILDER, + She "thrilled"--on street-preaching and rum--till they killed her. + + The eldest son read NORDAU and LOMBROSO, + Till his brain went shaky--'twas always so-so-- + He imagines himself a pot of mustard, + Of which egomaniacs are making a custard. + + The youngest daughter's an "Amazon Queen" + At the East-end Halls, and she's loud and lean; + The eldest--whose freedom all bonds would sully-- + Is tied to--and thrashed by--a pugilist bully. + + The writer of sensuous snippety novels, + In Grub Street gutters forlornly grovels; + The "Boy Genius of Gehenna," of the babbling boasters, + Turns a very poor penny by Stygian Posters! + O it _is_ a norrible tale! + And what do New Women and New Art avail? + Egomania-Tommyrotica is all a hum, + Half fiddle-de-dee, and half fi-fo-fum! + + * * * * * + +BANDS AND BOMBS.--How many Hungarian Bands are there about? +There's a "Real Blue Hungarian" (does this mean a "True Blue," good old +Tory, Band?)--there's an "Anglo-Hungarian," and a "White Hungarian." In +fact, Hungarian Band "with variations." The Real Hung'ry-an'-Thirsty +Bands are to be seen every night in the Feeding Places of the Indian +Exhibition, Earl's Court, where, specially within the bowers of the al +fresco Welcome Club, _can_ be served a very good dinner which _may_ be +bettered; and, if you are a Lucullus, you _comme gourmet_ will have to +Look-ullus-where for it. [N.B.--To get this jest well received give +the dinner yourself, and towards the middle of the feast try the jape. +They'll all laugh _en--mais après?_] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AYE! BUT HOW?" + +_Squire_ (_in dog-cart_). "HERE! YOU FOOL! HOLD HIS HEAD!!"] + + * * * * * + +MISONEOGYNY. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--New Woman dead? Not a bit of it. Don't +believe she ever existed. Never met her anywhere myself, and never met +anybody who has. It's my belief there "ain't no sich person." Merely +an idea or an influence, don't you know; and you can't shake hands, go +into dinner, dance, or flirt with a poisonous influence, any more than +you can with a bad smell. Whatever she is, though, afraid she's driven +me into evil courses--rhymes. Here they are:-- + +[Illustration] + + Oh, where is that horrible modern monstrosity, + Where is the woman whom people call "New," + Who thinks, speaks, and acts with such utter atrocity, + Tell me, oh where are the "women who do"? + Half angry, half sad (upon grounds sentimental) man + Begs the New Woman to stoutly proclaim-- + "No longer a lady, and not yet a gentleman"-- + Where are the creatures who own to the name? + This monster has, surely, no lasting vitality, + Only existing in fancy and print; + It is just an unlovely abstract personality, + Coin from the end-of-the-century mint. + And, therefore, in physical prowess and mental, man + Owns her supremacy, calm and serene, + Because the New Woman is like the "Old Gentleman," + Heard of more often--thank heaven--than seen. + +Shouldn't worry if I were "Misoneogynist." New woman fad nearly played +out, only a black cloud floating across the blue sky of common sense. +Nice idea, isn't it? Till cloud rolls by shall remain, + + Yours cheerily, + + A. BACHELOR. + + * * * * * + +THE "BOGEY-LAND OF SCIENCE."--From the _Glasgow Herald_:-- + + "The fourth meeting of the eleventh session of the Andersonian + Naturalists Society was held at 204, George Street, Professor G. + BELL TODD, M.B., C.M., President, in the chair. After the minutes + of last meeting had been read, Mr. ARCHIBALD SHANKS exhibited + an Ichthyodorulite of Gyracanthus." + +Plucky of Mr. SHANKS, that! As the Gyracanthus is an animal +with both a fin and a spine, and it was captured in Ayr, it must be a +sort of flying shark. How on earth did Mr. SHANKS get it to +George Street? It ought to be called "By George Street!" in future. + + * * * * * + +"THE COLONEL'S" PARADOXICAL PURPOSE.--To convert West Leeds +into "NORTH Leads." + + * * * * * + +A TRUE SPORTSMAN'S TIP. + + At anti-gambling "spoil-sports," loudly + The "sportsmen" they would spoil are fretting. + Good friends, though you protest so proudly, + The _true_ spoil-sport is--Betting! + Although it suit the baser sort, + What's sport to them is death to Sport! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +"Piccadilly Sports" is a headline conjuring up pleasant visions +of races, and other jinks unconducive to the peace and comfort of +law-abiding citizens--only authorised race in Piccadilly, the "purblind +race of miserable men." Yet let no irate old gentleman storm the +columns of the _Times_ with a tirade against the police and County +Council on this account. Because there happens to be another Piccadilly +up north. _Hinc (Piccad) illi ludi._ We shall expect to be reading +shortly of "Holborn miners out on strike," "Heroic rescue by the Pall +Mall lifeboat," or "A serious affray with poachers at Paddington." + + * * * * * + +ELECTION INTELLIGENCE. + +TOBY ONCE MORE M.P. + +On Monday the Electors of Barkshire assembled in the great hall +of their county town to elect a Member to serve in the Fourteenth +Parliament of Queen VICTORIA. The High Sheriff presided. +Owing to the constitutional rule which forbids Peers to take part +in Parliamentary electoral proceedings, the Lord Lieutenant of the +county was precluded from showing himself on the platform. It was said +that, indisposed to be entirely out of so interesting and popular +an event, his lordship was present disguised as a tide-waiter. Our +representative, however, did not observe in the throng any person in +nautical dress. + +[Illustration: "Carried unanimously."] + +The hall, which was crowded to its utmost capacity, was gaily decorated +with flags. Across the full length of the hall was suspended a banner +bearing the proud device "BARKS'S IS WILLIN'." + +Our esteemed ex-Member was accompanied on the platform by the principal +county gentry of all shades of political opinion. On taking his seat in +the front row of chairs, he was received with rounds of Kentish fire, +made in Barkshire. Having been proposed and seconded in eulogistic +terms, report of which he has expressed a desire we should suppress, +the High Sheriff inquired if any elector desired to propose another +candidate? + +"I should think not," said a burly Barkshire farmer, ominously grasping +a stout blackthorn. + +After this no one seemed disposed to move, and the High Sheriff +declared TOBY, M.P., duly elected. There were loud cries for +the Member, who, overcoming natural and usually insuperable diffidence, +got on his hind legs. + +"Brother electors," he said, "it is an old saying, 'What Barkshire +thinks to-day, England will do to-morrow.' Obviously some inaccuracy +underlies the aphorism, since whilst you have to-day thought me +worthy of being elected your Member, it's no use England coming +round to-morrow and asking me to represent it in the Commons House +of Parliament. This is the fourth time Barkshire has done me this +honour; and base indeed is the man--(_A Voice, 'Who pays'_)--who could +be insensible to such testimony of confidence and esteem. Brother +electors--(_A Voice, 'Who stole the Emperor William's uniform?' +Disturbance at the end of the hall. Another Voice, 'Chuck him out.'_) +No, electors of Barkshire, let him stay. If he is put outside, he +loses the opportunity of observing your behaviour, and learning how +gentlemen comport themselves when publicly assembled in discharge of +a solemn duty. (_Loud cheers. A Voice, 'That fetches 'em!'_) I was +about to observe, when our friend's feelings temporarily overcame him, +that since I entered the room I have had a number of questions handed +up to me. They are a little late, since I am no longer a candidate +but am duly elected. That, however unusual the case may be, makes no +difference. The first question is: 'Will you, if elected, see that +every man in Barkshire over fifty years of age has three acres of +the best land in the parish, with a cow for every adult child and a +calf a-piece for each infant in arms?' Certainly; I hope I may live +to see established those desirable conditions as between man and man. +(_Cheers._) Another esteemed friend asks: 'Do you understand Local Veto +to mean that a man may go into the public-house, take his noggin or +what not, and when asked to pay may refuse?' I could not if I tried put +my views on the situation more clearly. The Veto, as you all know, is +a Latin word meaning to _vete_, or, as we say in English, to refuse to +stump up. A public-house is, according to 19 Vict. c. 190, a locality. +Local Veto is, therefore, the inalienable right of the English citizen +as defined by my friend. (_Loud cheers._) 'Are you in favour of +Equalisation of the Rates?' To be frank with you, my idea of rates is +that they should be equalised to the extent that makes them absolutely +impalpable. (_'No, no.' 'Yes, yes.' Uproar under the gallery. Cries +of_ 'JUDAS!' _A free fight, during which a man was ejected, +omitting to take his coat with him._) Don't put him out; don't put +anyone out. If there's a renewal of the interruption, form a ring round +the man; then we will see where we are. Here's another question: 'Do +you approve of Ice Creams made in foreign prisons smuggled over here in +barrel-organs and ground out in our streets, ruining the digestion of +our working men?' That is a question which hardly seems to need reply +from a patriotic Englishman. But I will say--and you observe I say it +emphatically--No. (_Loud cheering._) 'Are you in favour of a Second +Chamber, or do you go the length of Tenification?' That is a very nice +question. It shows how deeply and intelligently the men of Barkshire +study the questions of the day. It is not a matter on which I, for one, +care to dogmatize; I will therefore content myself with saying, that +between two and ten we might find the happy medium. (_More cheering, +the audience rising to their feet, waving hats and handkerchiefs._) +Now, gentlemen, that's all the questions I have, and I hope you'll +agree that I have answered them frankly. Ah! here's another one coming +up. (_A dirty piece of paper is passed from hand to hand till it +reached the hon. Member._) 'Could you lend me five bob till Saturday +night?' (_Laughter, in which the hon. Member heartily joined._) I +think, gentlemen, it is time we now proposed a vote of thanks to the +High Sheriff." (_This was carried unanimously, and the meeting broke +up. A torch-light procession conducted the popular member to his family +seat, The Kennel, Barks._) + + * * * * * + +A LITERARY TURN. + +There was a case in the Edinburgh Court of Session the other day, +which shows what is thought of authors north of the Tweed--and not by +publishers, either. A witness remarked of a "defender" that "he was of +a literary turn of mind, and he thought that spoiled him." Many persons +have had similar thoughts, but they have generally refrained from +uttering them quite so bluntly. + + Mistress HATHAWAY rejoiced in a daughter christened ANNE, + Whose proceedings she regarded with concern; + Quoth she--"That WILLUM SHAKSPEARE as a son-in-law I ban. + Why? Because he has a literary turn." + + Growled Sir W-LL-M, on perusal of a certain _Life of Pitt_-- + "Well, we all unquestionably live and learn; + But, in spite of DIZZY'S precedent, I don't believe one bit + In a Premier with a literary turn." + + Said W-LS-L-Y, when a recent work he blankly had surveyed-- + "To answer this biography I yearn. + What an admirable soldier H-ML-Y might, perhaps, have made, + If he had not had a literary turn!" + + * * * * * + +"JUST ON THE CARDS."--Herr IFF'S orchestra. In how +uncertain a state of mind would a telegram from Herr IFF leave +the giver of the entertainment who, having requested wire informing +him whether Herr IFF and his band could come, should receive +this reply: "_If can come will be there at hour stated._" This supposes +that some well-informed, grammatical, telegraphic young lady-clerk has +corrected the spelling of "IFF." _À propos_ of IFF, a +complete entertainment would be a recital by the Veteran HOWE +of WATTS' poems, accompanied by IFF'S band; and a +reading from _Le Château d'If_. + + * * * * * + +INTELLIGIBLE, BUT NOT CLEAR.--"I think," said Mrs. R.'s +married niece, "that good singing is quite wasted on an ordinary +evening party. Now I remember an evening when SANTLEY sang in +a crowded drawing-room at our house, and _a pin might have dropped!_" + + * * * * * + +A DECISION. THE DR. G. TESTIMONIAL.--The _D. T._ is a good +judge of popular sentiment, and, attired as a Judge, is _D. T. ermined_ +that '95 shall be remembered as "_the_ Year of GRACE." + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +109, July 20, 1895, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44673 *** diff --git a/44673-h/44673-h.htm b/44673-h/44673-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9373d49 --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/44673-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1517 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109. July 20, 1895, by Various. + </title> + + + <link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg"/> + + + <style type="text/css"> + + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + .lowercase {text-transform:lowercase;} + .center {text-align: center;} + .stage {padding-left: 6em;} + +hr { + width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: 33.5%; + margin-right: 33.5%; + clear: both; +} + +hr.tb {width: 50%; margin-left: 25%; margin-right: 25%;} +hr.r5 {width: 5%; margin-left: 47.5%; margin-right: 47.5%;} +hr.full {width: 100%; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 0%;} +hr.poem {width: 12%; margin-left: 4%; margin-right: 86%;} +hr.short {width: 25%; margin-left: 37.5%; margin-right: 37.5%;} + + + span.pagenum {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem h3 {text-align: left;} + .poem h4 {text-align: left;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + + .figcenter, .figright, .figleft {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img {border: none;} + .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right; margin-right: 3em;} + +table { + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; +} + +.break-before { + page-break-before: always; +} + +.under {text-decoration:underline} + +epub headings + +.ph1, .ph2, .ph3, .ph4 { text-align: center; text-indent: 0em; font-weight: bold; } +.ph1 { font-size: xx-large; margin: .67em auto; } +.ph2 { font-size: x-large; margin: .75em auto; } +.ph3 { font-size: large; margin: .83em auto; } +.ph4 { font-size: medium; margin: 1.12em auto; } + + + + + div.trans-note {background: #EEEEEE; border: dashed 1px; border-width: 1px; + margin: 3em 15%; padding: 1em; text-align: center;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44673 ***</div> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <p class="ph2">Vol. 109.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + <p class="ph2">July 20, 1895.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + +<p class="ph4"><a name="TO_A_LADY_HUMORIST" id="TO_A_LADY_HUMORIST">TO A LADY HUMORIST.</a></p> + + + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Your laugh would chase away the blues,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Your smile is always sunny,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">One must be gay—who could refuse?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Your "mission" is just to amuse;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Discarding all blue-stocking views,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">You fancy what is funny.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">You have no fads on Man's Descent</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">From something quite atomic,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">On Diet, Disestablishment,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">On Dress, Diminishing of Rent,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Divorce or Dockyard Discontent—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">You seek for something comic.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">You wear no hygienic shoe,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Your dress is never frightful,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Your sense of humour makes you too</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Alive to what you should not do,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">You laugh at folks, not they at you,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">You write what's quite delightful.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">So laugh, and always make us gay;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Stern women are alarming,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The boldest men, I need not say,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Are simply scared by such as they,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">You do not bore us, anyway.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Your conversation's charming.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 374px;"> +<a href="images/025full.jpg"> + +<img src="images/025.jpg" width="374" height="500" alt="SPORTING EVENT—A RECORD" /></a> +<div class="caption"><p class="ph4">SPORTING EVENT—A RECORD.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">She Won the Sweep!</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<p><i>Unmetrical Adaptation of Robbie Burns' celebrated Line to the "New +Woman," whether in male attire on or off Bicycle, in her Club, driving +her trap, &c., &c.</i>—"A woman's a woman for a' that."</p> + + +<hr class="tb" /> + + + +<p class="ph4">OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</p> + +<p>Of Mr. <span class="smcap">Athol Mayhew's</span> <i>History of Punch</i> the Baron can +at present say nothing, no copy of this work having as yet been +brought to Our Booking Office, and without a ticket-of-leave, or +ticket-for-leaves, granted by <i>Mr. Punch</i> himself, per the Baron de +B.-W., the book of <span class="smcap">Mahu</span> ("<span class="smcap">Modo</span> he is called and +<span class="smcap">Mahu</span>," as <span class="smcap">Shirley Brooks</span> used to quote from <i>King +Lear</i>) will not have received <i>the</i> "imprimatur." Already it appears, +as we read in a letter from Mr. <span class="smcap">Henry Spielmann</span> (who, if any +man living knows anything about <i>Mr. Punch's</i> history, is the Punchian +Biographer and Historian <i>par excellence</i> and "by appointment") to the +<i>Daily Chronicle</i>, Friday, July 12, that in Mr. <span class="smcap">Mayhew's</span> book +there are numerous errors on important matters. "<i>Mayhew-manum est +errare.</i>" But "Herr <span class="smcap">Von Spielmann</span> will put him right in his +forthcoming book," says</p> + +<p class="center"> +<span class="smcap">The Judicious<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 6em;">Baron de Book-Worms</span>.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Covent Garden Opera Proverb.</span>—"When in doubt play <i>Faust</i>."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Happy Thought!</span>" (<i>Apropos of a recent case in the Marylebone +Police Court</i>).—What a good title for an old-fashioned pantomime in +the East End (where <i>the</i> real pantomimes used to be): "<i>Harlequin and +the Mysterious Manx Mannikins; or, Snapshot and the Demon Camera!</i>"</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph4">BRIGGS, OF BALLIOL.</p> + +<p class="ph4"><span class="smcap">Part II.</span></p> + +<p>Two years passed, and never a syllable could I learn of +<span class="smcap">Briggs</span>. Then I met <span class="smcap">Trotter</span> of Trinity at Piccadilly +Circus. "By the way," said he, "I suppose you have heard about poor +old <span class="smcap">Briggs</span>?" "No!" I cried. "What of him?" "Oh, I thought you +would be sure to know, or I would have broken it to you more gently." +"Why?" I asked, with apprehension. "Has anything happened to him?" +"Well," he replied, with some hesitation, "I—er—I hardly like to tell +you. You were such a friend of his." "You don't mean to say that he +is——?" "Dead? No, poor fellow, not dead exactly, but worse than that, +I fear. He has become a New Man, you see." I looked at <span class="smcap">Trotter</span> +in bewilderment. "Why, you see, he is married—yes, he married the +<span class="smcap">O'Gress</span>, you know. Poor <span class="smcap">Briggs</span>! I saw him yesterday, +and, upon my word, I should scarcely have known him. But go and see him +yourself; you will never believe my story."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trotter</span> wrote me the address on a card, and the next day +I called. The maid looked somewhat surprised when I asked for Mr. +<span class="smcap">Briggs</span>. He was at home, oh, yes, he was at home, but she +didn't know whether he could see me or not, as he was feeding the +baby. This announcement rather staggered me, but I pulled myself +together sufficiently to assure her that I was an old friend of Mr. +<span class="smcap">Briggs</span>; and, on learning this, she asked me to walk upstairs. +"This is the nursery," she said, when we had reached the topmost +storey. "You will find Mr. <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> inside."</p> + +<p>I opened the door, and what a scene greeted me! There was +<span class="smcap">Briggs</span>, my old friend <span class="smcap">Briggs</span>, the gallant +<span class="smcap">Briggs</span> of Balliol, rocking ceaselessly to and fro the while +he crooned in a low monotone to a bundle of pins and flannel that +lay cradled in his arms. I sprang forward to grip him by the hand. +He laid his finger on his lips, and in an agonised whisper murmured, +"Sh!—You'll wake the baby!" I controlled myself, and sank into a +chair, to which he motioned me. <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> hushed the infant +anxiously for a minute or two until it was well asleep; then he turned +to me, and with a sickly smile whispered, "I'm glad to see you, +<span class="smcap">Robinson</span>, but please talk very gently, for fear of waking the +Cutsababoo."</p> + +<p>It grieved me to hear poor <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> talk in this fashion, but +there were a thousand questions I was burning to ask him.</p> + +<p>"Oh, <span class="smcap">Briggs</span>, why did you leave Balliol so suddenly?" "Sh!" +he answered, looking nervously round him. "<i>She</i> took me away." "And +why did you never write to anyone?" "Sh! <i>She</i> forbade me." "Forbade +you?" "Yes, yes, indeed. Oh, <span class="smcap">Robinson</span>, you do not know my +wife!" I was inwardly thanking my stars that I had not this honour when +<span class="smcap">Briggs</span>, overcome with his emotion, suddenly flung up his arms +and covered his face with his hands. The action upset the equilibrium +of the baby, which rolled off his lap, fell on the floor, and awoke +with a scream. With a cry of dismay <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> caught up the +bundle, and tossed it violently up and down, addressing it the while in +such intelligible terms as these—"And did it wake its darling ducky +Cutsababoo, it did! It was a naughty cruel Dada, it was!"</p> + +<p>It would be hard to say which made the greater noise, <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> +or the baby; but <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> had the staying power, and after +a fight the baby gave it up. <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> gazed at it as it lay +exhausted in his arms, then turning to me, he said, "I think the +Cutsababoo has done crying now, <span class="smcap">Robinson</span>. Will you excuse me +if I sing him to by-byes?" In olden days <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> had a glorious +baritone voice, and to hear him sing the Balliol Boating Song was a +musical treat. I therefore readily agreed to stay and listen. "The +Duckydoo is very particular," explained <span class="smcap">Briggs</span>. "He will only +go to sleep to his own ickle tune, <i>The New Lullaby</i>."</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Mummy has gone to the city,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Cutsaba—Cutsababoo!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But Mummy will think of her Pretty,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And buy him a little toy too.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Daddy will dandle the Darling,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And show him his beautiful toy.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Hushaby, Pet! Baby, don't fret!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Sleepery, Peepery Boy!</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Mummy is making the money,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Cutsaba—Cutsababoo!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To buy a new bonnet for sonny,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">A jacket for Daddykins too.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Daddy will dandle the Darling,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And show him his beautiful toy.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Hushaby, Pet! Baby, don't fret!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Sleepery, Peepery Boy!"</span><br /> +</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Briggs</span> had just reached the end of the second verse when his +keenly sensitive ear caught the sound of a latchkey turning in the +door. A look of terror crossed his face. "It's <i>she!</i> It's <i>she!</i>" he +cried. "Oh, <span class="smcap">Robinson</span>, if she finds you here! Oh, if you love +me, fly!" I needed no second bidding. With a hasty grip of the hand I +bade my friend farewell, and this is the last that has been seen of +<span class="smcap">Briggs</span> of Balliol.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 730px;"> +<a href="images/026full.jpg"> + +<img src="images/026.jpg" width="700" height="491" alt="THE MODERN MAID OF ATHEN" /></a> +<p class="ph4">THE MODERN MAID OF ATHENS.</p> + + +<p><i>John Bull</i> (<i>hesitatingly</i>). "<span class="smcap">Maid of Athens, ere we +'part'</span>——" + +<i>Maid of Athens</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). "<span class="smcap">Think what you owe to Attic +Art?.</span>"</p> + +<p><br />[ the invitation of H.R.H. the Prince of <span class="smcap">Wales</span>, a large +meeting of these interested in the British School of Art at Athens was +held on July 9 in St. James's Palace. The Prince of <span class="smcap">Wales</span> +said: "I sincerely hope we may soon hear that the School has been +placed in an assured position for ever."—<i>Times Report.</i>]</p></div> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 341px;"> +<a href="images/027full.jpg"> +<img src="images/027.jpg" width="341" height="500" alt="A LABOUR OF LOVE" /></a> +<p class="ph4">A LABOUR OF LOVE!</p> + +<p><i>Benevolent Lady</i> (<i>who has with infinite trouble organised a Country +Excursion for some overworked London Dressmakers</i>). "<span class="smcap">Then mind +you're at the Station at Nine to-morrow, Eliza. I do hope it won't +Rain!</span>"</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap"><i>Rine</i>, Miss! I 'owp not, to be sure! The Country's bad enough +when it's <i>Foine</i>, yn't it, Miss?</span>"</p> + +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph4">CUE FOR CANVASSERS.</p> + +<p class="center">(<i>By a Cynic.</i>)</p> + +<blockquote> +<p>["In all the doubtful constituencies the result may be regarded as +depending largely upon the persuasion and argument brought to bear upon +individual electors."—<i>The Yorkshire Post.</i>]</p> +</blockquote> +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Persuasion? Argument? Very nice names</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For Radical Caucusites, Primrose Dames,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And other retailers of party riddles,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Ex parte</i> statements, and taradiddles!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Gregarious voters, of old bribes did you all;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Now argument deals with the "individual."</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With the man—or his wife—you must seek occasion,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Canvasser clever, to try "persuasion."</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To "argue" that <span class="smcap">Bloggs</span> is the likeliest chap</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To pour prosperity into your lap;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To "persuade" the Missus that that <span class="smcap">McQuirk</span></span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Will deprive her "man" of his beer <i>and</i> work!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Oh, sweet are the virtues, upon occasion,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of moral (or even <i>im</i>moral) 'suasion!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">When blankets run out and when money's all spent,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Then, then comes the value of "argument."</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And if the "argument" takes the form</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of orders and jobs in a perfect storm;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And when "persuasion" the future gauges</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A promise of liquor and higher wages;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Why, then the result is the same almost,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">'Twixt you and me, and the (<i>Yorkshire</i>) <i>Post!</i></span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Daly Sacrifice to Shakspeare.</span>—Again, thanks to the +enterprise of Mr. <span class="smcap">Augustin Daly</span>, one of <span class="smcap">Shakspeare's</span> +comedies is rendered resplendent with appropriate accessories. <i>A +Midsummer Night's Dream</i>, furnished with new illustrations, and +sparingly curtailed by necessary "cuts," becomes more poetical than +ever. Miss <span class="smcap">Ada Rehan</span> is a "dream" in herself, and Mr. +<span class="smcap">Lewis</span>, as an American playing in England, becomes "translated" +every evening to the complete satisfaction of an appreciating and +crowded audience. The play should run from Midsummer into Michaelmas.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="ph4">A HENLEY BARCAROLLE.</p> + +<p class="center">(<i>By a Parasyllabic Swain.</i>)</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">My lovylade, I peg and bray</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That you will pun my joint to-day;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And we will, dreaming o'er the stodge,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In some remote lackwater bodge.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">We'll take a man <span class="smcap">Joe</span>, bandoline,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And hick-cup, as we slop between</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The bangled tanks—we'll sink and drip,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And strum the things on board our ship.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">List to my lovesick, mew, and come</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Far from the giddy, higgling gum!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Relaying hearses, we will croon,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And through each glowering hide we'll <i>spoon!</i></span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Advertisement (<i>in "Standard"</i>).—"<i>Great Yarmouth. Small House. Close +Aquarium and sea. Servant left.</i>" Who was there when "servant left"? +Also why "close Aquarium and sea"? Perhaps easy but unwise to close the +former, but quite impossible to shut up the latter.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">"Good Bis"-ley. "Tell that to the Marines."</span>—The United +Services Cup was adjudged to the Marines at Bisley. In this competition +the Marines were the best, "all told."</p> + + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Smoking Christian Concert.</span>—In these smoking hot July days a +Smoking Mission seems a good notion. Yet the Baccy-nalian missionaries +may probably have to say, "We have pipe'd unto you, and you have not +responded," except as long as the supply held out. Will there be +distributed tracts entitled <i>A Bird's Eye View of Heaven</i>, <i>A Short Cut +to Truth</i>, <i>Returns to Virtue</i>, <i>What is Life?</i>—<i>A Mixture!</i></p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Proverb à propos of latest New Waltz, "King Gretchen.</span>"—"It's +the last <span class="smcap">Strauss</span> that breaks the record."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Bawbees across the Border.</span>—The <i>Dundee Advertiser</i> has +recently published a table showing the distribution of Ministerial +salaries amongst Peers, Liberal Unionists, and Scotchmen. According +to our canny contemporary, "Scotland fares badly in the new +Administration." The reason for this lament is found in the fact +that the share of Caledonia—"the spoil is taken chiefly by the Clan +Balfour," remarks the <i>D. A.</i>—amounts only to £12,425. And yet this +sum represents the "banging" of a good many "saxpences." North Britain +is unreasonable!</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph3">WASTING HER SWEETNESS.</p> + +<p class="center">(<i>An Electioneering Study.</i>)</p> + +<blockquote> + +<p><span class="smcap">Argument.</span>—Mrs. <span class="smcap">Horace Honeyball</span>, wife of the +Liberal Candidate for a Metropolitan Working-class Constituency, has +undertaken in her husband's interests a house-to-house canvass in +Bodgers' Buildings.</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mrs. H. H.</i> (<i>to herself, as she threads her way through a grove +of drying linen</i>). "I do <i>wish</i> they would hang out their washing +somewhere else—it's absolute ruin to one's hat! What a depressing +place—but then they're all the more likely to be on our side. Have +I got my canvassing cards and the bundle of leaflets? Yes—then I'd +better begin.... How do you <i>do</i>, Mr. <span class="smcap">Dollop</span>?... No, <i>please</i> +don't move—I see I've come upon you all at your tea. So refreshing +on a warm afternoon like this!... No, not any for me, thanks, I never +touch it—and besides, I had some before I came out, you know.... +Oh, never mind about wiping a chair for me, Mrs. <span class="smcap">Dollop</span>.... +Yes, <i>quite</i> comfortable, I assure you. What a delightful home you +have, with all those charming coloured pictures on the wall, and so +<i>beautifully</i> clean, too!... Ah, if you only knew the trouble and worry +of a great house and a whole tribe of servants.... But you mustn't +say that; <i>no</i> one need despair of getting on nowadays, you know. And +this is your little boy and girl? such bright, intelligent little +faces. Jam <i>is</i> so wholesome for them, isn't it?... <span class="smcap">Halbut</span> and +<span class="smcap">Halice</span>? Really! such pretty names <i>I</i> always think; and both +beginning with—er—H.... Well, yes, <i>I have</i> called on some particular +business. I daresay, now, Mr. <span class="smcap">Dollop</span>, you're quite a +politician.... A plasterer? Now, <i>how</i> delightful! Because I must tell +you that my husband.... No, I'm afraid <i>not</i>. You see, we've only just +had the whole house thoroughly done up. I was only going to say that my +husband has such a respect for plasterers as a class, you know. Haven't +I mentioned who he is? <i>How</i> stupid of me! He's Mr. <span class="smcap">Honeyball</span>, +the Radical Candidate for this place.... Yes, I've come about the +elections, of course. Oh, but you <i>ought</i> to care; I'm sure you're far +too intelligent a man to be really indifferent who represents you in +Parliament! And my husband is so devoted to the working-classes; it's +been quite the aim of his life to do something for them. His motto is, +'Trust the People.'... Oh, <i>dear</i> me, no—he's not a <i>shopkeeper</i>—he's +at the Bar.... Certainly <i>not</i>. He's in favour of doing away with +public-houses. He's a barrister—a <i>lawyer</i>, you know.... Ah, but +perhaps you haven't been fortunate in such lawyers as you've <i>met</i>.... +Well, but you wouldn't like the <i>Tories</i> to get in, <i>would</i> you?... But +they've <i>had</i> their 'innings,' as you call it; they've been in a whole +fortnight—and what have they <i>done</i>?... And if the Liberal Government +is kept out, what will become of all the great reforms they've been +trying to give you?... Well, there's Home Rule, for <i>one</i>.... Surely +you're in favour of letting the Irish manage their own affairs?... No, +that's <i>such</i> a mistake; they <i>won't</i> want to manage ours—at least, +except Imperial matters—and why <i>shouldn't</i> they?... All that can so +easily be settled afterwards.... Don't you call 'One man one vote' a +great reform?... Isn't it monstrous that some people should have five +or six votes, while you only have one?... It's foolish to say they're +'welcome to them,' like that, when they only use them to deprive you +of your rights.... Then there's Welsh Disestablishment.... Oh, if you +really can't see the immense importance of it, all I can say is, I'm +extremely sorry.... Yes, I'm going now, and I hope, before the election +day comes, you will have learnt to take a more enlightened——<i>Good</i> +afternoon."</p> + +<p>"I'm so glad to have found you at home, Mr. <span class="smcap">Bilger</span>. I'm +Mrs. <span class="smcap">Honeyball</span>, and I want you to support my husband at the +election—he's standing as a Liberal, you know.... Oh, yes, I think +I can tell you his views on the Liquor Traffic. He's anxious to see +the curse of drinking thoroughly stamped out.... No, I'm sure you're +no friend to publicans—you look <i>far</i> too respectable.... Yes, as you +say, they get rich on the earnings of the poor, and it's high time +they were done away with.... <i>Certainly</i> you may ask me a question.... +No, of course my husband would not <i>dream</i> of putting down Clubs: he +belongs to several himself.... Oh, you meant <i>Working-men's</i> Clubs. You +belong to one yourself? So <i>sensible</i> of you!—and of course there can +be no possible objection, so long as no intoxicating liquor——<i>Not</i> +conducted on Teetotal principles? I'm afraid that <i>would</i> make a +difference.... Why? Because, don't you <i>see</i>, if people can go and +join Clubs, and get drink there, there would be no use in closing the +public-houses, <i>would</i> there? We must be <i>logical</i>.... No <i>doubt</i> +intoxicating drinks are supplied in Clubs, but I don't see what <i>that</i> +has to do with it.... My husband? No, he's not a total abstainer, but +still——... No, no; it's not a question of one law for the Rich and +another for the Poor at <i>all</i>. You don't quite <i>understand</i>.... If +you <i>really</i> have heard enough, I'll go, of course.... Not at all. If +anything I've said has helped you in making up your mind, I'm only +too——Don't trouble to come to the door!"</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 328px;"> +<a href="images/028full.jpg"> + +<img src="images/028.jpg" width="328" height="450" alt=""I love the smell of tobacco" /></a> +<div class="caption"><p class="ph4">"I <i>love</i> the smell of tobacco!"</p></div> +</div> +<p>"Mrs. <span class="smcap">Mangles</span>, I think? Your husband <i>not</i> at home, I +see. It doesn't matter—you will do <i>quite</i> as well. I'm Mrs. +<span class="smcap">Honeyball</span>.... Oh, you <i>have</i> heard the name.... Seen my +husband's picture on the placards? Oh, you're not taking a liberty in +the very <i>least</i>. I shall be only too <i>delighted</i> to give you one. He +<i>is</i> rather nice-looking, isn't he? I'll tell you what I'll do—when +I get home, I'll send you one of his photographs to put on your +mantelpiece.... Oh, I <i>don't</i> think I should have it coloured, if I +were you.... But his hair and moustache aren't <i>auburn</i>, and what <i>do</i> +you want to put him in a red tunic for?... Really? The living image of +your first young man? He <i>will</i> be flattered!... You've had several +since? I can quite believe <i>that</i>.... Well, if you will promise to get +your husband to give me his vote, perhaps——<i>Why</i> should I have to go +to the—er—'Cimingtery' for it?... Last Christmas?—<i>dear</i> me! I'm +very sorry I——Good-bye, Mrs. <span class="smcap">Mangles</span>; and—er—if I <i>do</i> +find I have a photograph to spare——but the portrait of him on that +leaflet is really more <i>like</i>, you know!"</p> + + + + +<p>"No, don't put <i>down</i> your pipe, Mr. <span class="smcap">Gowles</span>; I—I <i>love</i> +the smell of tobacco!... You weren't <i>intending</i> to—how friendly of +you!... I daresay you don't know who <i>I</i> am?... Perhaps not, but you'll +let me <i>tell</i> you, won't you?... I've come to ask you to vote for my +husband, Mr. <span class="smcap">Honeyball</span>; he's not a <i>Tory</i>, you know, he's a +thorough-going Radical.... Not going to vote for either of them?—Now +<i>why</i>?... Oh, no, I'm <i>sure</i> you're not—you're <i>much</i> too pleasant +and gentlemanly to be a horrid Socialist!... You want everything done +away with? Well, the Liberals <i>are</i> going to abolish a lot of things. +There's the House of Lords, for instance, you're against <i>them</i>, +I'm sure.... Not more than you are against the House of Commons? +Oh, but you don't <i>really</i> want to destroy one of our most ancient +institutions!... Capitalists? oh, they're sharks and bloodsuckers and +landgrabbers and all that, I <i>quite</i> agree with you there—only they're +all <i>Tories</i>, you know.... Why shouldn't you share in all the wealth +you're assisting to produce? Why are you to be robbed of the product +of your brain and hands?—I really don't know—it's very wrong, no +doubt—what <i>do</i> you produce?... Oh,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> you're a bill-poster? I <i>see</i>. +Now don't get excited.... Your only hope is in the Gospel of Hate?... +Now <i>really</i>, such a <i>disagreeable</i> thing to say!... If I could only +bring you to see that by voting for the Liberals——... I'm <i>not</i> +a smooth-tongued humbug, and it's extremely rude of you to call me +anything of the kind.... I never said you hadn't a perfect right to +vote as you pleased.... Very <i>well</i>, then, <i>keep</i> your horrible vote, +I'm sure <i>I</i> don't want it! (<i>To herself, as she departs.</i>) I shall go +home. If I see any more of these people, I shall find I've turned into +a rabid Tory—and I'm sure <span class="smcap">Horace</span> wouldn't like that!"</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph4">OPERATIC NOTES.</p> + +<p><i>Monday</i> memorable for <span class="smcap">Melba</span>. Never sang better than as +mad-as-a-hatter heroine of <span class="smcap">Donizetti's</span> <i>Lucia di Lammermoor</i>. +Three hearty, deafening, unanimous encores for the brilliant +fireworky Hanwellian vocalisation in <span class="smcap">Lucy's</span> (not "<span class="smcap">H. +W. Lucy's</span>," of the <i>D. N.</i>, but Miss <span class="smcap">Lucia's</span>) great +<i>de lunatico inquirendo</i> scena. After encore, inevitable gigantic +basket of flowers handed up to triumphant cantatrice by Beaming +<span class="smcap">Bevignani</span> and talented assistants in orchestra. Conductor and +musicians ought not to be used as agents for delivery of bouquets to +<i>prime donne</i>. If somebody among audience wishes to publicly present +singer with floral testimonial, why not let that Somebody step forward +(as the person in church who would "forbid the banns" is invited to do) +and hand it to her himself on a stick? Or if he be in some other part +of the house, <span class="smcap">Dulcissimus Druriolanus</span> would himself introduce +him and his basket of flowers on to, and off, the stage. The encores +and the floral testimonial quite turned mad heroine's head.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 265px;"> +<a href="images/029full.jpg"> + +<img src="images/029.jpg" width="265" height="350" alt="alvé à la "'Ria."" /></a> +<p class="center">alvé à la "'Ria."</p></div> + + + +<p>That is, so turned it round again that she became quite sane and +chatted amicably with two or three of the leading chorus "up stage" +until it suddenly occurred to her that she must go mad again, which she +did at once, most effectively. After this "<i>Fra poco</i>," the swan-like +(if swan a tenor) death-song of <i>Edgardo</i>, cannot go for its value +unless sung by a most popular and highly-gifted tenor. So it stands +to the credit of Signor <span class="smcap">Dash-my-Vignas</span> that, in this, he was +enthusiastically applauded, and soon after "laid him down and dee'd" +in the midst of an admiring and more-or-less sympathetic Chorus. +Great opera for Chorus giving expression to their feelings. How they +cry or laugh, and point and gesticulate and threaten and sympathise +as guests in low dresses without anything distinctively Scotch about +them, except in the case of one lady over whose shoulder I fancy I +detected a tartan scarf of clannish pattern. <i>Normanno</i>, played by, I +think, <span class="smcap">Iginio Corsi</span> (which name, in compliment to the national +Scotch liquor, ought to have been changed to "<span class="smcap">Iwiskio Corsi</span>"), +bore remarkable resemblance to Markis o' <span class="smcap">Salisbury</span>. I do +not remember ever having seen or heard Lord <span class="smcap">Salisbury</span> as +a vocalist. To be remembered as <i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Melba</span> Night of the +Season—up to now.</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday.</i>—<span class="smcap">Calvé</span> as <i>Carmen</i> simply perfect. That is +all I have to say; like the Raven (not <i>Barnaby Rudge's</i>, but +<span class="smcap">Edgar A. Poe's</span>), I announce "Only this, and Nothing More." +And <span class="smcap">Alvarez</span> as <i>José</i>, "Gentleman <span class="smcap">Joe</span>," who does +not drive, but is driven to madness, first-rate; in last scene, +struggle and assassination most thrilling, dramatically: even +stall-by-the-season'd opera-goers holding breath, and clutching at +backs of seats. Audience, ordinarily indifferent to fate of heroine +in last act, wait till bitter end. They only quit when quite sure +<i>Carmen</i> cannot possibly sing any more. Madame <span class="smcap">Melba</span>, +who, "<i>by request of the Management</i>"—how modestly is this put, +<span class="smcap">O Druriolanus Operaticus!</span>—"<i>has kindly consented to play +Michaela</i>," exceeded the terms of her amiable contract, as she not only +"played" <i>Michaela</i>, but sang the music superbly, her singing being +faultless, which her "playing" was not. Mossoo <span class="smcap">Albers</span> rather +out of it as <i>Escamillo</i>, and <i>Toréador</i> was not an Encoreador, whereat +<i>Toréador non contento</i>. All the principals sang in French, "knowing +the language," but clever Chorus stuck to Italian. <i>Benissimo!</i> +<span class="smcap">Bevignani</span> beaming, and beating time. House crowded; elections +and political parties disturb not the harmony of Covent Garden. Yet +"last week but one" announced, and end in view. <span class="smcap">Wagstaff</span>, +seeing <span class="smcap">Calvé</span> in first act with scarf or belt round waist, +suggests riddle, "Why is <span class="smcap">Calvé</span> a perfect <i>Carmen?</i>" Before +you can break away from him, without damage to your button-hole, +he answers, "Because she plays the part with <i>a-band-on</i>." <i>Exit</i> +<span class="smcap">Wagstaff</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Friday.</i>—<i>Pagliacci.</i>—A new <i>Nedda</i> in Mlle. <span class="smcap">Zélie de +Lussan</span>. <i>Nedda</i> is rather a Loose'un, and Mlle. <span class="smcap">Zélie</span> +is as good a <i>Nedda</i> as you can get "when t'other dear charmer's +away." Then to follow, <span class="smcap">Calvé</span> in <i>Calvé-'lleria Rusticana</i> +admirably dramatic. Can't believe this Magdalenish saint-like woman can +possibly be that deuce of a young woman, <i>Carmen</i>, of t'other night. +But "<i>Fœmina varium et mutabile</i> (also <i>cantabile</i>) <i>semper</i>." All +the others good as ever, specially <span class="smcap">Giulia Ravogli</span>, as the gay +<i>Lo-la-li-ety</i>.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph4">SCRAPS FROM CHAPS.</p> + +<p>The hedgehog is sometimes accused of helping himself to a drink from +a recumbent cow, but his larger relative, the domestic pig, is to be +even still more commended for his enterprise. According to the <i>Western +Daily Mercury</i>, in a farmyard in the parish of Uffculme a pig was +observed to rear on his hind legs and suck milk from a cow. This sight +must have enormously impressed the spectator. But it ought to have been +a dog.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Surely a Radical Unionist is a new departure in politics. Mr. +<span class="smcap">Strauss</span>, who is opposing Mr. <span class="smcap">Conybeare</span>, M.P. for +the Camborne division of Cornwall, in reply to a question at Cusgarne +said that he was a Radical Unionist, but the name Liberal was good +enough for him. Mr. <span class="smcap">Strauss</span> is to be congratulated on his +new political "Doctrinen"; but, if he should succeed in defeating Mr. +<span class="smcap">Conybeare</span>, he seems likely to lead the Whips a pretty dance.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It seems a little hard on a Parliamentary candidate when he is +seriously misrepresented by his own friends. This is what Mr. +<span class="smcap">Michael Williams</span> has suffered in the St. Austell division of +Cornwall at the hands of his friend Canon <span class="smcap">Bush</span>. With every +intention of doing Mr. <span class="smcap">Williams</span> a good turn, the worthy Canon +fired off a letter in the local press containing a serious misquotation +of a speech said to have been made by Mr. <span class="smcap">Williams</span> about the +false doctrines of the Nonconformists. The explosion of this shell in +the Nonconformist camp has not improved Mr. <span class="smcap">Williams's</span> chance +of success, and he probably believes in the truth of the old saying, +that "Good wine needs no Bush."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Pull All Together.</span>—What our forefathers would have called +"seeking an explanation from one's representative," is now, in these +days of political slang, known as "pulling your member's leg!" Witness +what happened in West Fife:</p> + +<blockquote> + +<p>"Mr. <span class="smcap">Wemyss</span> said, that if they returned him they would have +the advantage of being able to run down to <span class="smcap">Wemyss</span> when he did +anything wrong and pull his leg at the cost of a sixpence in train +money, whereas, if they wanted to pull Mr. <span class="smcap">Birrell</span> over the +coals, it would cost them £3 to go to London."</p></blockquote> + +<p>The electors would certainly seem to "have the pull" by Mr. +<span class="smcap">Wemyss's</span> proximity; but why didn't some heckler retort by +saying that in pulling a candidate's leg voters must be careful not to +get hold of a calf?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Slow Training.</span>—The Cork County National Teachers' Association +has passed a resolution that "for the sixth class" the geography of +the British Isles is enough, and "that the British Colonies be held +over till the examination in the second year." But how will the British +Colonies like being held over? And is not Ireland itself going to be +a self-governing British Colony—some day? But that idea, too, seems +"held over" for the present. The National Teachers, however, are true +Nationalists, because they also resolved that "Professors of Irish +should be appointed in all the Training Colleges." If females, they +will be expected to wear the Celtic fringe, of course.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Ready and Willing</span> (<i>in the Cornell-Leander Fiasco</i>).—One crew +wasn't "ready," but the starter was "<span class="smcap">Willan</span>"—like <i>Barkis</i>. +The Cornell crew was ready and willin'. So they had the starter with +them at all events; and, they started. Angry partisans described the +proceeding as "Willanous." So it was,—from one point of view.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Election Paradoxes.</span>—Standing for a seat, and running against +a sitting Member.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">The General Election Cry.</span>—"Take your seats, Gentlemen!"</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 750px;"> +<a href="images/030full.jpg"> + +<img src="images/030.jpg" width="750" height="428" alt="AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY" /></a> +<p class="ph4">AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY.</p> + + + +<p><i>The Professor</i> (<i>who has just come back from the North Pole</i>). +"<span class="smcap">——and the Fauna of these Inhospitable Regions is as poor as the +Flora! You couldn't name a dozen Animals who manage to live there.</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Malapert.</i> "<span class="smcap">Oh—I dare say I could!</span>"</p> + +<p><i>The Professor.</i> "<span class="smcap">Really—what <i>are</i> they?</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Malapert.</i> "<span class="smcap">Well, now—five Polar Bears, let us say, and—and +seven Seals!</span>"</p> + +</div> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph4">IL "TRUE BLUE" INGLESE.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>All' illustrissimo Signor Punch.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Illustriousest Sir</span>,—I feel myself in duty of to write to +her these few lines for to tell to her the my opinion of the of her +country. Ah, the beautiful England! One speaks in Italy of the <i>cielo +inglese</i>, when the sky is grey and overcast. For the first time I come +now in the my ship to the of her country. <i>Ecco</i>, the sky is blue! In +the our country so many things are blue—the sky, the sea, the lakes, +the distant mountains, but in the our language not there is the word +"blue." One says "azure" or "turquoise," but not the general term +"blue." Therefore before I come to England I think, "We Italians see +the colour blue, but not can say it, and these english have the word, +but see never the colour." And <i>ecco</i> I arrive, and the sky is blue! +Not it is the blue of Napoli, not it is the blue of Geneva, and perhaps +it is to-day only, but <i>veramente</i> it is blue. It is much curious.</p> + +<p>Also I have found other things blue. Some time the sea is pale blue. +Some time the milk is pale blue. And one english says to me, "The +sea was rough and the wind blue," but this not can I understand. The +his friends say he likes chaff. <i>Diavolo</i>, what taste! But perhaps +the chaff is much helpful for the digestion, like the english brown +bread, which some brave men eat. The his friends say also, "He chaffs +till all is blue." Perhaps when one eats the chaff the eyesight is +altered. It is much curious. There are other things blue in England. +There are "the blues." One my friend says to me that this phrase is the +french <i>ennui</i>. Then I have not it seen yet, for it is always <i>festa</i> +since our arrival. I have heard that the blues are at Oxford and at +Cambridge, above all at the College of Girton. But the evening past +I saw the blue the most beautiful. Ah, the exquisite eyes! Ah, <i>la +bellissima signorina inglese!</i> so graceful, so courteous, so beautiful! +And the her eyes were blue, so blue! Never have I seen a colour so +sweet. The sea at Napoli, the sky at Palermo, the lake at Bellagio—it +seems to me that they are grey and ugly when I think to the her eyes.</p> + +<p>Ah, Signor <i>Punch</i>, Her is a man, Her can love, Her, I know it, admires +the beauty of the women! So to her I tell that those blue eyes have hit +the heart of the italian. Not in Italy, but in England, one sees the +blue the most divine.</p> + +<p>Her I beg to accept the my compliments and I have the honour to say +myself.</p> + +<p class="center"> +Her Devotedest Servant,<br /> + +<span class="smcap">Andrea Doria Dandolo Vespucci-Colombo</span>. +</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph4">ORDER! ORDER!</p> + +<blockquote> + +<p>["Colonel <span class="smcap">North</span> bases his appeal for support on the plea that +he will see to it that West Leeds gets its full share of whatever work +may be going."—<i>Leeds Mercury.</i>]</p></blockquote> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">O "dark and true and tender is the <span class="smcap">North</span>!"</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And wondrous service to West Leeds he'll render;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>He</i>'ll see, when Government work is going forth,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">West Leeds shall have its chance—at least to tender.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Orders are heaven's first law." That is the kernel</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Of the "dear Colonel's" creed; and it contents</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Those who to Governments raise the cry eternal</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Of "Give your orders, Gents!"</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph4">ECHOES FROM THE POLLS.</p> + +<p>Elected am I? Well, I am really much obliged.</p> + +<p>Oh, certainly, shall be truly delighted to do anything in my power.</p> + +<p>Fancy in these hard times that it is a little difficult to increase a +subscription list.</p> + +<p>Only too pleased, but must be rather careful not to infringe the +Bribery Acts.</p> + +<p>Truly intend to live up to my opinions. Would not alter them for worlds.</p> + +<p>Cannot recall everything I said during the heat of the election, and +probably was imperfectly reported.</p> + +<p>Do not claim any more liberty of action than to obey the dictates of my +conscience.</p> + +<p>Afraid cannot adequately represent every phase of political opinion.</p> + +<p>Will give as much satisfaction in Westminster as practicable.</p> + +<p>Party arguments are rather superfluous after the contest, and therefore +have to be avoided.</p> + +<p>Sorry cannot stay longer in the Division itself, as my presence is +required within the precincts of St. Stephen's.</p> + +<p>Would have the greatest pleasure in life to discuss all these matters +of controversy at another time.</p> + +<p>Sorry cannot give exact date, but why not say just before the next +General Election?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Memorable.</span>—Wednesday, July 10th. Evening Fête at Botanical +Gardens. <i>No Rain!!</i></p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 470px;"> +<a href="images/031full.jpg"> + +<img src="images/031.jpg" width="470" height="600" alt="OLD WARDER WILLIAM." /></a> + +<p class="ph4">OLD WARDER WILLIAM.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">The Veteran</span> (<i>loquitur</i>). "DEAR ME! WHAT <i>HAS</i> BECOME OF +HARCOURT?"</p> +</div> + + + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph3">EX-HON. PRIVATE A. BRIEFLESS, JUN., ON THE I. O. C. R. V. C. AT BISLEY.</p> + +<p>It is scarcely necessary to say that during the sitting of the Courts I +have little time for what may be termed recreation. So when I visited +Bisley on the occasion of the competition for the Ashburnham Shield, +it was in a semi-military and semi-forensic capacity. It was no doubt +pleasing to see one's schoolfellows of a later generation maintaining +the <i>prestige</i> of a common <i>Alma Mater</i>; but the chief attraction in +my eyes of the successor to Wimbledon was the presence under canvas of +much that is left of the "Devil's Own." And here let me pause for a +moment to discuss the traditional derivation of the alternative title +of the Inns of Court Rifle Volunteer Corps. I believe His late Majesty +King <span class="smcap">William the Fourth</span> (of marine memory) is usually believed +to have been the first to call his lawyer warriors by the name that, +to certain minds, has had since an unsympathetic significance. I am +of opinion that the Sailor Sovereign merely confirmed a title that +had already been obtained by usage. It is more than possible that the +initial supporters of the I. O. C. R. V. C. were counsel seldom holding +briefs of their own, but frequently appearing as "learned" but absent +"friends." It is needless to hint to the Bench and Bar that I refer to +"devils." If my assumption is correct, then indeed would the Battalion +be justly known to fame as "the Devil's Own."</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 132px;"> +<a href="images/033full.jpg"> + +<img src="images/033.jpg" width="132" height="320" alt="The Skeleton of a Regiment." /></a> +<p class="center">The Skeleton of a Regiment.</p> +</div> + + +<p>I wish I could deny the reports that have found their way into the +papers that the I. O. C. R. V. C. is less prosperous than it was of +yore. Personally, I have it on my conscience that I have not for many +years appeared on parade. To the best of my belief I have only once +joined the ranks. The occasion was a prize distribution in Lincoln's +Inn Hall. As an honorary member I was posted in the front rank of "A" +Company. Then came the perplexing command, "Fours right," which, so +far as I was concerned, ended in disaster. A little later I retired +from all active military service, and have remained in retreat ever +since. Still, at the sound of the bugle my pulse quickens, and I +feel that had I chosen the Tented Field instead of the Forum for the +exercise of my professional duties my career would not have suffered +in prosperity from the alteration. In fact, I believe that with the +conditions changed I should have had just as good a chance of becoming +Commander-in-Chief as Lord Chancellor. But these are regrets that are +out of place in the columns of a periodical that guards the interests +of the universe in general, while fostering the loftiest aspirations of +the legal profession in particular. So I cast them aside as unworthy +the attention of a counsel, a soldier, and a gentleman.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p> +<p>Let me return to the I. O. C. R. V. C. at Bisley. I found "those of the +faithful who have been true to their trust" defending themselves—there +was no trace of defiance in the action—from the fierce fire of the +noonday sun by wearing straw hats and sporting flannels. It was a +pretty picture, that made by the martial lawyers at their mid-day +parade. The tents, the tubs, the kitchen utensils, and last, but not +least, the mess-house, with its dining saloon and ante-room. Alas, that +the stability of the latter should be inappropriate! Alas, that the +corps, once the pride of the Volunteer Service, should be reduced to +four companies, and (so I believe) have lost its adjutant! Ichabod! How +the mighty have fallen!</p> + +<p>As I watched the sad and yet impressive tableau old memories flocked +upon me. Where was the private who caricatured his Colonel, and showed +how a shako could be combined with a horse-hair wig, and yet look +military and forensic? Where was the lance corporal who invariably +confirmed his captain's commands with an "as your Lordship pleases?" +Where was the rear-rank wag who, on being told to charge, said he "must +leave that sort of thing to his clerk, who kept his fee-book?" Where +was the vocalist who would sing the songs of <span class="smcap">J. L. Molloy</span>, +Barrister-at-Law, and knew the ins and outs of "The Maske of Flowers?" +All of them gone, and their places scarcely filled by new comers! +And, as I gazed upon an energetic private of the I. O. C. R. V. C., +apparently preparing to meet the demands of an expected detachment of +hungry lunchers, I wondered whether anything could be done to revive +the fortunes of the Grand Old Battalion. Could the hours of leisure of +the warriors be occupied by regimental trips down the river, regimental +drags to the races, regimental dinners to one another, regimental +visits to the play, regimental strolls in the Row, regimental bicycles +in Battersea Park? I fancy something of this kind has already been +suggested. Then, if Barristers do not flock in sufficient numbers to +the banners of the Lamb, the Horse, and the Griffin, why not throw +open the ranks to wealthy persons—so to speak—fond of the leaders +of litigation? Again I imagine some such plan has already been under +consideration.</p> + +<p>And, as I thought the matter over, I became gloomier and gloomier. So +sad was I that I had to visit the adjacent cemetery, to revive, under +the modified merriment of the place, into comparative cheerfulness. The +mere recollection of the I. O. C. R. V. C. unmans me. It is better that +I should pause, for I can write no more.</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><i>Pump Handle Court, July 12, 1895.</i></span></p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">A. Briefless, Jun.</span> +</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph4">THE CRY OF THE COUNTER.</p> + +<p class="center">(<i>By a Shopkeeper who had hoped better things of the Season.</i>)</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Great Scott! Sold again! It's all up with the Season,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Though Summer <i>is</i> Summer, and Goodwood's not gone!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">We Shopkeepers hoped for good luck, and with reason,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">For things did look bright. But once more we are done;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Done, clean as a whistle! A General Election!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Sprung on us, through <span class="smcap">Brodrick</span>, and cordite, and stuff!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A plague on both parties, a curse on each section!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Your M.P.'s a mooncalf, a muddler, a muff!</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The weather was stunning; Death had not been busy</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">With Royalties—bless 'em!—and London was full;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And though of course <span class="smcap">Rosebery</span> is not a <span class="smcap">Dizzy</span>,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">He <i>did</i> win the Derby, which gave him some pull.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Parties kept wrangling,—but nobody bothered;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">They didn't make progress,—but none of us cared;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Though <span class="smcap">Labby</span> played tricks, or <span class="smcap">Silom</span> o pothered,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">We stuck to our counters, unshocked and unscared.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And now, betwixt grass-time and harvest, the duffers</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Fight over sheer fudge and kick over the show.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And so once again the poor Shopkeeper suffers.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">A murrain on <span class="smcap">Harcourt</span>, a plague upon <span class="smcap">Joe</span>!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For policy <span class="smcap">Balfour</span> sets forth "Dissolution,"</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And thinks he has scored. Had I temper, and breath,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>And</i> his ear, I could smash up his smart elocution,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><i>His</i> game's Dissolution,—to us it means death.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The fat's in the fire, and the spark's in the powder,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">We're in for a long spell of wigs on the green.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Our clients will scatter, and louder and louder</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Will swell the fool-chorus of partisan spleen.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Sir <span class="smcap">Bottleby Snipe</span> must be off beyond Humber,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And sweet Lady <span class="smcap">Spendwell</span> goes Primrosing, south,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And I, poor shopkeeper, may just as well slumber,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">With rage in my heart and my thumb in my mouth.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Oh, slaves of the shop, from Pall Mall to far Peckham,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Say, is it not time that <i>you</i> rose and rebelled?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The parties just play with us. Can we not check 'em?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">By Jove, if one chorus of shopdom but swelled,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Like the working man's howl, on those Westminster wobblers,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">The sweet little game they all play it might stop.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For Socialist dockers and Radical cobblers</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">They've ears; but they're deaf to the Cry of the Shop.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The rents, rates and taxes pile higher and higher,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">The Stores undersell us—and cop ready cash!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Hebrew monopolist, fiercer and slyer</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Than tiger-cat, schemeth to send us to smash.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The landlord rack-rents us, and then pops the profit</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">He draws out of us into syndicate Stores!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I tell you the shopkeeper's life is a Tophet,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">M.P.'s play at "Progress," and <i>we</i> pay all scores.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And then they ask me for my vote!!! Why, what guerdon</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Have I for my votings these twenty years past?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Continual addition to back-breaking burden!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">I say the last straw has been laid on, at last;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">At least upon this individual camel.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">To forward true Progress I don't think I'm loth,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But sick of prolonged Party trick, trap, and trammel,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">If I had my wish, I would—<i>vote against both!</i></span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">The Modern Ixion.</span>—This mythological character finds his +present representative in a shareholder Bound to the Great Wheel at +Earl's Court. However, Ixion and his wheel went on for ever! In which +case Modern Ixion ought to be an exceptionally lucky person.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 386px;"> +<a href="images/034full.jpg"> + +<img src="images/034.jpg" width="386" height="550" alt="I say, Old Man," /></a> + + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I say, Old Man, what's that awful Row going on Next +Door?</span>"</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Oh, that's the Omphale Club. The Ladies are having their first +Whist Party of the Season!</span>"</p> + +</div> + +<hr class="tb" /> +<p class="ph4">THE NEW NORRIBLE TALE.</p> + +<p class="center">(<i>From a Philistinish Point of View.</i>)</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Air</span>—"<i>The Norrible Tale.</i>"</p> + + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">'Tis a norrible tale I'm going to tell</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of the frightful fortunes which befel</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A family who late resided</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In the same suburban street that I did.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">O it is a norrible tale!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">'Twould make a Maëterlinck turn pale,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">With its frightful blend of the grim and glum,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Of fiddle-de-dee, and fi-fo-fum!</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">O they were a decent Philistine lot</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Till they caught the contagion of "Tommy-Rot,"</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That kind of mental, malarial fever,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Which floors the foolish and foils the clever.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">O it is a norrible tale, &c.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">This Influenza of the Soul</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Haunted their house like some gruesome "troll."</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(The family—which their name was <span class="smcap">Gibson</span>—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Knew all about such from the works of <span class="smcap">Ibsen</span>.)</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The father first felt the spell unholy,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And the man's demeanour grew truly "trolly."</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">He was—in Peckham—a Master Builder,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And he "carried on" with a drudge named <span class="smcap">'Tilder</span>.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The slavey said it was truly thrilling,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But struck for another—weekly—shilling.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"She was ready to thrill till all was blue,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But it <i>must</i> be reckenised in her 'screw!'"</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">His wife declared he was most inhuman,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And, for her part, she should turn New Woman!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">So she grew—to him—an emotional icicle,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And mounted knickers, and rode a bicycle.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The eldest son, an athletic young fellow,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Who had gained his "Blue," took at once to Yellow.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Muscle," he said, in a tone despotic,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Is beastly vulgaw; good form's Neurotic!"</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The youngest daughter, a blue-eyed fairy—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(Her pies were prime, and her name was <span class="smcap">Mary</span>—)</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Now took to cricket, and cigarette-smoking,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And manly manners in togs—and joking.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The eldest one, of a statelier carriage,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Conceived quaint notions about "Group-marriage:"</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Since man's a satyr, and brings satiety,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The only virtue is—in <i>variety!</i>"</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Another girl took to writing novels</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">On dirt in "dosses," and vice in hovels;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Varying the same with Kiplingy verses,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With ingenious rhymes to street-slang and curses.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The youngest boy, who was "only a nipper,"</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Contributed "Art" to the "Sixpenny Snipper,"</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Which his sisters said was "supremely delicious,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">As a blend of the infantile and vicious."</span><br /><br /><br /> +</p> + + + +<p><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The father died of his drudge and drink,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The wife broke her back at a skating rink;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And as to the slavey, whose name was <span class="smcap">'TILDER</span>,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">She "thrilled"—on street-preaching and rum—till they killed her.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The eldest son read <span class="smcap">Nordau</span> and <span class="smcap">Lombroso</span>,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Till his brain went shaky—'twas always so-so—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">He imagines himself a pot of mustard,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of which egomaniacs are making a custard.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The youngest daughter's an "Amazon Queen"</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">At the East-end Halls, and she's loud and lean;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The eldest—whose freedom all bonds would sully—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Is tied to—and thrashed by—a pugilist bully.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The writer of sensuous snippety novels,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In Grub Street gutters forlornly grovels;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The "Boy Genius of Gehenna," of the babbling boasters,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Turns a very poor penny by Stygian Posters!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">O it <i>is</i> a norrible tale!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And what do New Women and New Art avail?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Egomania-Tommyrotica is all a hum,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Half fiddle-de-dee, and half fi-fo-fum!</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Bands and Bombs.</span>—How many Hungarian Bands are there about? +There's a "Real Blue Hungarian" (does this mean a "True Blue," good old +Tory, Band?)—there's an "Anglo-Hungarian," and a "White Hungarian." In +fact, Hungarian Band "with variations." The Real Hung'ry-an'-Thirsty +Bands are to be seen every night in the Feeding Places of the Indian +Exhibition, Earl's Court, where, specially within the bowers of the al +fresco Welcome Club, <i>can</i> be served a very good dinner which <i>may</i> be +bettered; and, if you are a Lucullus, you <i>comme gourmet</i> will have to +Look-ullus-where for it. [N.B.—To get this jest well received give +the dinner yourself, and towards the middle of the feast try the jape. +They'll all laugh <i>en—mais après?</i>]</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 800px;"> +<a href="images/035full.jpg"> + +<img src="images/035.jpg" width="800" height="569" alt=""AYE! BUT HOW?"" /></a> +<p class="ph4">"AYE! BUT HOW?"</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Squire</i> (<i>in dog-cart</i>). "<span class="smcap">Here! you Fool! Hold his Head!!</span>"</p> + + +</div> + + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph4">MISONEOGYNY.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 250px;"> +<a href="images/035bfull.jpg"> + +<img src="images/035b.jpg" width="250" height="350" alt="untitled" /></a> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,—New Woman dead? Not a bit of it. Don't +believe she ever existed. Never met her anywhere myself, and never met +anybody who has. It's my belief there "ain't no sich person." Merely +an idea or an influence, don't you know; and you can't shake hands, go +into dinner, dance, or flirt with a poisonous influence, any more than +you can with a bad smell. Whatever she is, though, afraid she's driven +me into evil courses—rhymes. Here they are:—</p> + + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Oh, where is that horrible modern monstrosity,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Where is the woman whom people call "New,"</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Who thinks, speaks, and acts with such utter atrocity,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Tell me, oh where are the "women who do"?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Half angry, half sad (upon grounds sentimental) man</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Begs the New Woman to stoutly proclaim—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"No longer a lady, and not yet a gentleman"—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Where are the creatures who own to the name?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">This monster has, surely, no lasting vitality,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Only existing in fancy and print;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">It is just an unlovely abstract personality,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Coin from the end-of-the-century mint.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And, therefore, in physical prowess and mental, man</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Owns her supremacy, calm and serene,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Because the New Woman is like the "Old Gentleman,"</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Heard of more often—thank heaven—than seen.</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>Shouldn't worry if I were "Misoneogynist." New woman fad nearly played +out, only a black cloud floating across the blue sky of common sense. +Nice idea, isn't it? Till cloud rolls by shall remain,</p> + +<p class="center"> +Yours cheerily,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 6em;"><span class="smcap">A. Bachelor</span>.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">The "Bogey-land of Science."</span>—From the <i>Glasgow Herald</i>:—</p> + +<blockquote> + +<p>"The fourth meeting of the eleventh session of the Andersonian +Naturalists Society was held at 204, George Street, Professor <span class="smcap">G. +Bell Todd</span>, M.B., C.M., President, in the chair. After the minutes +of last meeting had been read, Mr. <span class="smcap">Archibald Shanks</span> exhibited +an Ichthyodorulite of Gyracanthus."</p></blockquote> + +<p>Plucky of Mr. <span class="smcap">Shanks</span>, that! As the Gyracanthus is an animal +with both a fin and a spine, and it was captured in Ayr, it must be a +sort of flying shark. How on earth did Mr. <span class="smcap">Shanks</span> get it to +George Street? It ought to be called "By George Street!" in future.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">"The Colonel's" Paradoxical Purpose.</span>—To convert West Leeds +into "<span class="smcap">North</span> Leads."</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph4">A TRUE SPORTSMAN'S TIP.</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">At anti-gambling "spoil-sports," loudly</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">The "sportsmen" they would spoil are fretting.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Good friends, though you protest so proudly,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">The <i>true</i> spoil-sport is—Betting!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Although it suit the baser sort,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">What's sport to them is death to Sport!</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + +<div class="figright" style="width: 265px;"> +<a href="images/035cfull.jpg"> + +<img src="images/035c.jpg" width="265" height="320" alt="untitled" /></a> +</div> + + +<p><br /><br /><br /><br />"Piccadilly Sports" is a headline conjuring up pleasant visions +of races, and other jinks unconducive to the peace and comfort of +law-abiding citizens—only authorised race in Piccadilly, the "purblind +race of miserable men." Yet let no irate old gentleman storm the +columns of the <i>Times</i> with a tirade against the police and County +Council on this account. Because there happens to be another Piccadilly +up north. <i>Hinc (Piccad) illi ludi.</i> We shall expect to be reading +shortly of "Holborn miners out on strike," "Heroic rescue by the Pall +Mall lifeboat," or "A serious affray with poachers at Paddington."</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph3">ELECTION INTELLIGENCE.</p> + +<p class="center">TOBY ONCE MORE M.P.</p> + +<p>On Monday the Electors of Barkshire assembled in the great hall +of their county town to elect a Member to serve in the Fourteenth +Parliament of Queen <span class="smcap">Victoria</span>. The High Sheriff presided. +Owing to the constitutional rule which forbids Peers to take part +in Parliamentary electoral proceedings, the Lord Lieutenant of the +county was precluded from showing himself on the platform. It was said +that, indisposed to be entirely out of so interesting and popular +an event, his lordship was present disguised as a tide-waiter. Our +representative, however, did not observe in the throng any person in +nautical dress.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 393px;"> +<a href="images/036full.jpg"> + +<img src="images/036.jpg" width="393" height="450" alt=""Carried unanimously."" /></a> +<p class="center">"Carried unanimously."</p> + +</div> + +<p>The hall, which was crowded to its utmost capacity, was gaily decorated +with flags. Across the full length of the hall was suspended a banner +bearing the proud device "<span class="smcap">Barks's is willin'</span>."</p> + +<p>Our esteemed ex-Member was accompanied on the platform by the principal +county gentry of all shades of political opinion. On taking his seat in +the front row of chairs, he was received with rounds of Kentish fire, +made in Barkshire. Having been proposed and seconded in eulogistic +terms, report of which he has expressed a desire we should suppress, +the High Sheriff inquired if any elector desired to propose another +candidate?</p> + +<p>"I should think not," said a burly Barkshire farmer, ominously grasping +a stout blackthorn.</p> + +<p>After this no one seemed disposed to move, and the High Sheriff +declared <span class="smcap">Toby</span>, M.P., duly elected. There were loud cries for +the Member, who, overcoming natural and usually insuperable diffidence, +got on his hind legs.</p> + +<p>"Brother electors," he said, "it is an old saying, 'What Barkshire +thinks to-day, England will do to-morrow.' Obviously some inaccuracy +underlies the aphorism, since whilst you have to-day thought me +worthy of being elected your Member, it's no use England coming +round to-morrow and asking me to represent it in the Commons House +of Parliament. This is the fourth time Barkshire has done me this +honour; and base indeed is the man—(<i>A Voice, 'Who pays'</i>)—who could +be insensible to such testimony of confidence and esteem. Brother +electors—(<i>A Voice, 'Who stole the Emperor William's uniform?' +Disturbance at the end of the hall. Another Voice, 'Chuck him out.'</i>) +No, electors of Barkshire, let him stay. If he is put outside, he +loses the opportunity of observing your behaviour, and learning how +gentlemen comport themselves when publicly assembled in discharge of +a solemn duty. (<i>Loud cheers. A Voice, 'That fetches 'em!'</i>) I was +about to observe, when our friend's feelings temporarily overcame him, +that since I entered the room I have had a number of questions handed +up to me. They are a little late, since I am no longer a candidate +but am duly elected. That, however unusual the case may be, makes no +difference. The first question is: 'Will you, if elected, see that +every man in Barkshire over fifty years of age has three acres of +the best land in the parish, with a cow for every adult child and a +calf a-piece for each infant in arms?' Certainly; I hope I may live +to see established those desirable conditions as between man and man. +(<i>Cheers.</i>) Another esteemed friend asks: 'Do you understand Local Veto +to mean that a man may go into the public-house, take his noggin or +what not, and when asked to pay may refuse?' I could not if I tried put +my views on the situation more clearly. The Veto, as you all know, is +a Latin word meaning to <i>vete</i>, or, as we say in English, to refuse to +stump up. A public-house is, according to 19 Vict. c. 190, a locality. +Local Veto is, therefore, the inalienable right of the English citizen +as defined by my friend. (<i>Loud cheers.</i>) 'Are you in favour of +Equalisation of the Rates?' To be frank with you, my idea of rates is +that they should be equalised to the extent that makes them absolutely +impalpable. (<i>'No, no.' 'Yes, yes.' Uproar under the gallery. Cries +of</i> '<span class="smcap">Judas!</span>' <i>A free fight, during which a man was ejected, +omitting to take his coat with him.</i>) Don't put him out; don't put +anyone out. If there's a renewal of the interruption, form a ring round +the man; then we will see where we are. Here's another question: 'Do +you approve of Ice Creams made in foreign prisons smuggled over here in +barrel-organs and ground out in our streets, ruining the digestion of +our working men?' That is a question which hardly seems to need reply +from a patriotic Englishman. But I will say—and you observe I say it +emphatically—No. (<i>Loud cheering.</i>) 'Are you in favour of a Second +Chamber, or do you go the length of Tenification?' That is a very nice +question. It shows how deeply and intelligently the men of Barkshire +study the questions of the day. It is not a matter on which I, for one, +care to dogmatize; I will therefore content myself with saying, that +between two and ten we might find the happy medium. (<i>More cheering, +the audience rising to their feet, waving hats and handkerchiefs.</i>) +Now, gentlemen, that's all the questions I have, and I hope you'll +agree that I have answered them frankly. Ah! here's another one coming +up. (<i>A dirty piece of paper is passed from hand to hand till it +reached the hon. Member.</i>) 'Could you lend me five bob till Saturday +night?' (<i>Laughter, in which the hon. Member heartily joined.</i>) I +think, gentlemen, it is time we now proposed a vote of thanks to the +High Sheriff." (<i>This was carried unanimously, and the meeting broke +up. A torch-light procession conducted the popular member to his family +seat, The Kennel, Barks.</i>)</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph4">A LITERARY TURN.</p> + +<p>There was a case in the Edinburgh Court of Session the other day, +which shows what is thought of authors north of the Tweed—and not by +publishers, either. A witness remarked of a "defender" that "he was of +a literary turn of mind, and he thought that spoiled him." Many persons +have had similar thoughts, but they have generally refrained from +uttering them quite so bluntly.</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Mistress <span class="smcap">Hathaway</span> rejoiced in a daughter christened <span class="smcap">Anne</span>,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Whose proceedings she regarded with concern;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Quoth she—"That <span class="smcap">Willum Shakspeare</span> as a son-in-law I ban.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Why? Because he has a literary turn."</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Growled Sir <span class="smcap">W-ll-m</span>, on perusal of a certain <i>Life of Pitt</i>—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"Well, we all unquestionably live and learn;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But, in spite of <span class="smcap">Dizzy's</span> precedent, I don't believe one bit</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">In a Premier with a literary turn."</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Said <span class="smcap">W-ls-l-y</span>, when a recent work he blankly had surveyed—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"To answer this biography I yearn.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">What an admirable soldier <span class="smcap">H-ml-y</span> might, perhaps, have made,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">If he had not had a literary turn!"</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Just on the Cards.</span>"—Herr <span class="smcap">Iff's</span> orchestra. In how +uncertain a state of mind would a telegram from Herr <span class="smcap">Iff</span> leave +the giver of the entertainment who, having requested wire informing +him whether Herr <span class="smcap">Iff</span> and his band could come, should receive +this reply: "<i>If can come will be there at hour stated.</i>" This supposes +that some well-informed, grammatical, telegraphic young lady-clerk has +corrected the spelling of "<span class="smcap">Iff</span>." <i>À propos</i> of <span class="smcap">Iff</span>, a +complete entertainment would be a recital by the Veteran <span class="smcap">Howe</span> +of <span class="smcap">Watts'</span> poems, accompanied by <span class="smcap">Iff's</span> band; and a +reading from <i>Le Château d'If</i>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Intelligible, but not Clear.</span>—"I think," said Mrs. R.'s +married niece, "that good singing is quite wasted on an ordinary +evening party. Now I remember an evening when <span class="smcap">Santley</span> sang in +a crowded drawing-room at our house, and <i>a pin might have dropped!</i>"</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Decision. The Dr. G. Testimonial.</span>—The <i>D. T.</i> is a good +judge of popular sentiment, and, attired as a Judge, is <i>D. T. ermined</i> +that '95 shall be remembered as "<i>the</i> Year of <span class="smcap">Grace</span>."</p> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44673 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/44673-h/images/025.jpg b/44673-h/images/025.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2aa5f4d --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/025.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/025full.jpg b/44673-h/images/025full.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9ce0f2e --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/025full.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/026.jpg b/44673-h/images/026.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1ef71b6 --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/026.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/026full.jpg b/44673-h/images/026full.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f2b8d77 --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/026full.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/027.jpg b/44673-h/images/027.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3a08982 --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/027.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/027full.jpg b/44673-h/images/027full.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..de43bb2 --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/027full.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/028.jpg b/44673-h/images/028.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..781b4f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/028.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/028full.jpg b/44673-h/images/028full.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2cba9ac --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/028full.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/029.jpg b/44673-h/images/029.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2a23d66 --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/029.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/029full.jpg b/44673-h/images/029full.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..32ef523 --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/029full.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/030.jpg b/44673-h/images/030.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7fcee7f --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/030.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/030full.jpg b/44673-h/images/030full.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7973a51 --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/030full.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/031.jpg b/44673-h/images/031.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e4b5a4f --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/031.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/031full.jpg b/44673-h/images/031full.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c95d3d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/031full.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/033.jpg b/44673-h/images/033.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dd7961e --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/033.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/033full.jpg b/44673-h/images/033full.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..235c379 --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/033full.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/034.jpg b/44673-h/images/034.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a7958dd --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/034.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/034full.jpg b/44673-h/images/034full.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a36b2c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/034full.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/035.jpg b/44673-h/images/035.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9403ab5 --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/035.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/035b.jpg b/44673-h/images/035b.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..877b4f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/035b.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/035bfull.jpg b/44673-h/images/035bfull.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4f5d729 --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/035bfull.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/035c.jpg b/44673-h/images/035c.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..692aaff --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/035c.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/035cfull.jpg b/44673-h/images/035cfull.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4f4b4e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/035cfull.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/035full.jpg b/44673-h/images/035full.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..abfaebf --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/035full.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/036.jpg b/44673-h/images/036.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cadf020 --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/036.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/036full.jpg b/44673-h/images/036full.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8ee1834 --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/036full.jpg diff --git a/44673-h/images/cover.jpg b/44673-h/images/cover.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9e89366 --- /dev/null +++ b/44673-h/images/cover.jpg diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c2acbd5 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #44673 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/44673) diff --git a/old/44673-8.txt b/old/44673-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6bf6cbb --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1672 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, +July 20, 1895, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, July 20, 1895 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: January 15, 2014 [EBook #44673] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 109. + +JULY 20, 1895. + + + + +TO A LADY HUMORIST. + + Your laugh would chase away the blues, + Your smile is always sunny, + One must be gay--who could refuse? + Your "mission" is just to amuse; + Discarding all blue-stocking views, + You fancy what is funny. + + You have no fads on Man's Descent + From something quite atomic, + On Diet, Disestablishment, + On Dress, Diminishing of Rent, + Divorce or Dockyard Discontent-- + You seek for something comic. + + You wear no hygienic shoe, + Your dress is never frightful, + Your sense of humour makes you too + Alive to what you should not do, + You laugh at folks, not they at you, + You write what's quite delightful. + + So laugh, and always make us gay; + Stern women are alarming, + The boldest men, I need not say, + Are simply scared by such as they, + You do not bore us, anyway. + Your conversation's charming. + + * * * * * + +_Unmetrical Adaptation of Robbie Burns' celebrated Line to the "New +Woman," whether in male attire on or off Bicycle, in her Club, driving +her trap, &c., &c._--"A woman's a woman for a' that." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SPORTING EVENT--A RECORD. + +SHE WON THE SWEEP!] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Of Mr. ATHOL MAYHEW'S _History of Punch_ the Baron can +at present say nothing, no copy of this work having as yet been +brought to Our Booking Office, and without a ticket-of-leave, or +ticket-for-leaves, granted by _Mr. Punch_ himself, per the Baron de +B.-W., the book of MAHU ("MODO he is called and +MAHU," as SHIRLEY BROOKS used to quote from _King +Lear_) will not have received _the_ "imprimatur." Already it appears, +as we read in a letter from Mr. HENRY SPIELMANN (who, if any +man living knows anything about _Mr. Punch's_ history, is the Punchian +Biographer and Historian _par excellence_ and "by appointment") to the +_Daily Chronicle_, Friday, July 12, that in Mr. MAYHEW'S book +there are numerous errors on important matters. "_Mayhew-manum est +errare._" But "Herr VON SPIELMANN will put him right in his +forthcoming book," says + + THE JUDICIOUS + BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +COVENT GARDEN OPERA PROVERB.--"When in doubt play _Faust_." + + * * * * * + +"HAPPY THOUGHT!" (_Apropos of a recent case in the Marylebone +Police Court_).--What a good title for an old-fashioned pantomime in +the East End (where _the_ real pantomimes used to be): "_Harlequin and +the Mysterious Manx Mannikins; or, Snapshot and the Demon Camera!_" + + * * * * * + +BRIGGS, OF BALLIOL. + +PART II. + +Two years passed, and never a syllable could I learn of +BRIGGS. Then I met TROTTER of Trinity at Piccadilly +Circus. "By the way," said he, "I suppose you have heard about poor +old BRIGGS?" "No!" I cried. "What of him?" "Oh, I thought you +would be sure to know, or I would have broken it to you more gently." +"Why?" I asked, with apprehension. "Has anything happened to him?" +"Well," he replied, with some hesitation, "I--er--I hardly like to tell +you. You were such a friend of his." "You don't mean to say that he +is----?" "Dead? No, poor fellow, not dead exactly, but worse than that, +I fear. He has become a New Man, you see." I looked at TROTTER +in bewilderment. "Why, you see, he is married--yes, he married the +O'GRESS, you know. Poor BRIGGS! I saw him yesterday, +and, upon my word, I should scarcely have known him. But go and see him +yourself; you will never believe my story." + +TROTTER wrote me the address on a card, and the next day +I called. The maid looked somewhat surprised when I asked for Mr. +BRIGGS. He was at home, oh, yes, he was at home, but she +didn't know whether he could see me or not, as he was feeding the +baby. This announcement rather staggered me, but I pulled myself +together sufficiently to assure her that I was an old friend of Mr. +BRIGGS; and, on learning this, she asked me to walk upstairs. +"This is the nursery," she said, when we had reached the topmost +storey. "You will find Mr. BRIGGS inside." + +I opened the door, and what a scene greeted me! There was +BRIGGS, my old friend BRIGGS, the gallant +BRIGGS of Balliol, rocking ceaselessly to and fro the while +he crooned in a low monotone to a bundle of pins and flannel that +lay cradled in his arms. I sprang forward to grip him by the hand. +He laid his finger on his lips, and in an agonised whisper murmured, +"Sh!--You'll wake the baby!" I controlled myself, and sank into a +chair, to which he motioned me. BRIGGS hushed the infant +anxiously for a minute or two until it was well asleep; then he turned +to me, and with a sickly smile whispered, "I'm glad to see you, +ROBINSON, but please talk very gently, for fear of waking the +Cutsababoo." + +It grieved me to hear poor BRIGGS talk in this fashion, but +there were a thousand questions I was burning to ask him. + +"Oh, BRIGGS, why did you leave Balliol so suddenly?" "Sh!" +he answered, looking nervously round him. "_She_ took me away." "And +why did you never write to anyone?" "Sh! _She_ forbade me." "Forbade +you?" "Yes, yes, indeed. Oh, ROBINSON, you do not know my +wife!" I was inwardly thanking my stars that I had not this honour when +BRIGGS, overcome with his emotion, suddenly flung up his arms +and covered his face with his hands. The action upset the equilibrium +of the baby, which rolled off his lap, fell on the floor, and awoke +with a scream. With a cry of dismay BRIGGS caught up the +bundle, and tossed it violently up and down, addressing it the while in +such intelligible terms as these--"And did it wake its darling ducky +Cutsababoo, it did! It was a naughty cruel Dada, it was!" + +It would be hard to say which made the greater noise, BRIGGS +or the baby; but BRIGGS had the staying power, and after +a fight the baby gave it up. BRIGGS gazed at it as it lay +exhausted in his arms, then turning to me, he said, "I think the +Cutsababoo has done crying now, ROBINSON. Will you excuse me +if I sing him to by-byes?" In olden days BRIGGS had a glorious +baritone voice, and to hear him sing the Balliol Boating Song was a +musical treat. I therefore readily agreed to stay and listen. "The +Duckydoo is very particular," explained BRIGGS. "He will only +go to sleep to his own ickle tune, _The New Lullaby_." + + "Mummy has gone to the city, + Cutsaba--Cutsababoo! + But Mummy will think of her Pretty, + And buy him a little toy too. + Daddy will dandle the Darling, + And show him his beautiful toy. + Hushaby, Pet! Baby, don't fret! + Sleepery, Peepery Boy! + + "Mummy is making the money, + Cutsaba--Cutsababoo! + To buy a new bonnet for sonny, + A jacket for Daddykins too. + Daddy will dandle the Darling, + And show him his beautiful toy. + Hushaby, Pet! Baby, don't fret! + Sleepery, Peepery Boy!" + +BRIGGS had just reached the end of the second verse when his +keenly sensitive ear caught the sound of a latchkey turning in the +door. A look of terror crossed his face. "It's _she!_ It's _she!_" he +cried. "Oh, ROBINSON, if she finds you here! Oh, if you love +me, fly!" I needed no second bidding. With a hasty grip of the hand I +bade my friend farewell, and this is the last that has been seen of +BRIGGS of Balliol. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MODERN MAID OF ATHENS. + +_John Bull_ (_hesitatingly_). "MAID OF ATHENS, ERE WE +'PART'----" + +_Maid of Athens_ (_interrupting_). "THINK WHAT YOU OWE TO ATTIC +ART?." + +[ the invitation of H.R.H. the Prince of WALES, a large +meeting of these interested in the British School of Art at Athens was +held on July 9 in St. James's Palace. The Prince of WALES +said: "I sincerely hope we may soon hear that the School has been +placed in an assured position for ever."--_Times Report._]] + + * * * * * + +CUE FOR CANVASSERS. + +(_By a Cynic._) + +["In all the doubtful constituencies the result may be regarded as +depending largely upon the persuasion and argument brought to bear upon +individual electors."--_The Yorkshire Post._] + + Persuasion? Argument? Very nice names + For Radical Caucusites, Primrose Dames, + And other retailers of party riddles, + _Ex parte_ statements, and taradiddles! + Gregarious voters, of old bribes did you all; + Now argument deals with the "individual." + With the man--or his wife--you must seek occasion, + Canvasser clever, to try "persuasion." + To "argue" that BLOGGS is the likeliest chap + To pour prosperity into your lap; + To "persuade" the Missus that that MCQUIRK + Will deprive her "man" of his beer _and_ work! + Oh, sweet are the virtues, upon occasion, + Of moral (or even _im_moral) 'suasion! + When blankets run out and when money's all spent, + Then, then comes the value of "argument." + And if the "argument" takes the form + Of orders and jobs in a perfect storm; + And when "persuasion" the future gauges + A promise of liquor and higher wages; + Why, then the result is the same almost, + 'Twixt you and me, and the (_Yorkshire_) _Post!_ + + * * * * * + +A DALY SACRIFICE TO SHAKSPEARE.--Again, thanks to the +enterprise of Mr. AUGUSTIN DALY, one of SHAKSPEARE'S +comedies is rendered resplendent with appropriate accessories. _A +Midsummer Night's Dream_, furnished with new illustrations, and +sparingly curtailed by necessary "cuts," becomes more poetical than +ever. Miss ADA REHAN is a "dream" in herself, and Mr. +LEWIS, as an American playing in England, becomes "translated" +every evening to the complete satisfaction of an appreciating and +crowded audience. The play should run from Midsummer into Michaelmas. + + * * * * * + +A HENLEY BARCAROLLE. + +(_By a Parasyllabic Swain._) + + My lovylade, I peg and bray + That you will pun my joint to-day; + And we will, dreaming o'er the stodge, + In some remote lackwater bodge. + + We'll take a man JOE, bandoline, + And hick-cup, as we slop between + The bangled tanks--we'll sink and drip, + And strum the things on board our ship. + + List to my lovesick, mew, and come + Far from the giddy, higgling gum! + Relaying hearses, we will croon, + And through each glowering hide we'll _spoon!_ + + * * * * * + +Advertisement (_in "Standard"_).--"_Great Yarmouth. Small House. Close +Aquarium and sea. Servant left._" Who was there when "servant left"? +Also why "close Aquarium and sea"? Perhaps easy but unwise to close the +former, but quite impossible to shut up the latter. + + * * * * * + +"GOOD BIS"-LEY. "TELL THAT TO THE MARINES."--The United +Services Cup was adjudged to the Marines at Bisley. In this competition +the Marines were the best, "all told." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LABOUR OF LOVE! + +_Benevolent Lady_ (_who has with infinite trouble organised a Country +Excursion for some overworked London Dressmakers_). "THEN MIND +YOU'RE AT THE STATION AT NINE TO-MORROW, ELIZA. I DO HOPE IT WON'T +RAIN!" + +"_RINE_, MISS! I 'OWP NOT, TO BE SURE! THE COUNTRY'S BAD ENOUGH +WHEN IT'S _FOINE_, YN'T IT, MISS?"] + + * * * * * + +A SMOKING CHRISTIAN CONCERT.--In these smoking hot July days a +Smoking Mission seems a good notion. Yet the Baccy-nalian missionaries +may probably have to say, "We have pipe'd unto you, and you have not +responded," except as long as the supply held out. Will there be +distributed tracts entitled _A Bird's Eye View of Heaven_, _A Short Cut +to Truth_, _Returns to Virtue_, _What is Life?_--_A Mixture!_ + + * * * * * + +PROVERB À PROPOS OF LATEST NEW WALTZ, "KING GRETCHEN."--"It's +the last STRAUSS that breaks the record." + + * * * * * + +BAWBEES ACROSS THE BORDER.--The _Dundee Advertiser_ has +recently published a table showing the distribution of Ministerial +salaries amongst Peers, Liberal Unionists, and Scotchmen. According +to our canny contemporary, "Scotland fares badly in the new +Administration." The reason for this lament is found in the fact +that the share of Caledonia--"the spoil is taken chiefly by the Clan +Balfour," remarks the _D. A._--amounts only to £12,425. And yet this +sum represents the "banging" of a good many "saxpences." North Britain +is unreasonable! + + * * * * * + +WASTING HER SWEETNESS. + +(_An Electioneering Study._) + + ARGUMENT.--Mrs. HORACE HONEYBALL, wife of the + Liberal Candidate for a Metropolitan Working-class Constituency, has + undertaken in her husband's interests a house-to-house canvass in + Bodgers' Buildings. + +_Mrs. H. H._ (_to herself, as she threads her way through a grove +of drying linen_). "I do _wish_ they would hang out their washing +somewhere else--it's absolute ruin to one's hat! What a depressing +place--but then they're all the more likely to be on our side. Have +I got my canvassing cards and the bundle of leaflets? Yes--then I'd +better begin.... How do you _do_, Mr. DOLLOP?... No, _please_ +don't move--I see I've come upon you all at your tea. So refreshing +on a warm afternoon like this!... No, not any for me, thanks, I never +touch it--and besides, I had some before I came out, you know.... +Oh, never mind about wiping a chair for me, Mrs. DOLLOP.... +Yes, _quite_ comfortable, I assure you. What a delightful home you +have, with all those charming coloured pictures on the wall, and so +_beautifully_ clean, too!... Ah, if you only knew the trouble and worry +of a great house and a whole tribe of servants.... But you mustn't +say that; _no_ one need despair of getting on nowadays, you know. And +this is your little boy and girl? such bright, intelligent little +faces. Jam _is_ so wholesome for them, isn't it?... HALBUT and +HALICE? Really! such pretty names _I_ always think; and both +beginning with--er--H.... Well, yes, _I have_ called on some particular +business. I daresay, now, Mr. DOLLOP, you're quite a +politician.... A plasterer? Now, _how_ delightful! Because I must tell +you that my husband.... No, I'm afraid _not_. You see, we've only just +had the whole house thoroughly done up. I was only going to say that my +husband has such a respect for plasterers as a class, you know. Haven't +I mentioned who he is? _How_ stupid of me! He's Mr. HONEYBALL, +the Radical Candidate for this place.... Yes, I've come about the +elections, of course. Oh, but you _ought_ to care; I'm sure you're far +too intelligent a man to be really indifferent who represents you in +Parliament! And my husband is so devoted to the working-classes; it's +been quite the aim of his life to do something for them. His motto is, +'Trust the People.'... Oh, _dear_ me, no--he's not a _shopkeeper_--he's +at the Bar.... Certainly _not_. He's in favour of doing away with +public-houses. He's a barrister--a _lawyer_, you know.... Ah, but +perhaps you haven't been fortunate in such lawyers as you've _met_.... +Well, but you wouldn't like the _Tories_ to get in, _would_ you?... But +they've _had_ their 'innings,' as you call it; they've been in a whole +fortnight--and what have they _done_?... And if the Liberal Government +is kept out, what will become of all the great reforms they've been +trying to give you?... Well, there's Home Rule, for _one_.... Surely +you're in favour of letting the Irish manage their own affairs?... No, +that's _such_ a mistake; they _won't_ want to manage ours--at least, +except Imperial matters--and why _shouldn't_ they?... All that can so +easily be settled afterwards.... Don't you call 'One man one vote' a +great reform?... Isn't it monstrous that some people should have five +or six votes, while you only have one?... It's foolish to say they're +'welcome to them,' like that, when they only use them to deprive you +of your rights.... Then there's Welsh Disestablishment.... Oh, if you +really can't see the immense importance of it, all I can say is, I'm +extremely sorry.... Yes, I'm going now, and I hope, before the election +day comes, you will have learnt to take a more enlightened----_Good_ +afternoon." + +"I'm so glad to have found you at home, Mr. BILGER. I'm +Mrs. HONEYBALL, and I want you to support my husband at the +election--he's standing as a Liberal, you know.... Oh, yes, I think +I can tell you his views on the Liquor Traffic. He's anxious to see +the curse of drinking thoroughly stamped out.... No, I'm sure you're +no friend to publicans--you look _far_ too respectable.... Yes, as you +say, they get rich on the earnings of the poor, and it's high time +they were done away with.... _Certainly_ you may ask me a question.... +No, of course my husband would not _dream_ of putting down Clubs: he +belongs to several himself.... Oh, you meant _Working-men's_ Clubs. You +belong to one yourself? So _sensible_ of you!--and of course there can +be no possible objection, so long as no intoxicating liquor----_Not_ +conducted on Teetotal principles? I'm afraid that _would_ make a +difference.... Why? Because, don't you _see_, if people can go and +join Clubs, and get drink there, there would be no use in closing the +public-houses, _would_ there? We must be _logical_.... No _doubt_ +intoxicating drinks are supplied in Clubs, but I don't see what _that_ +has to do with it.... My husband? No, he's not a total abstainer, but +still----... No, no; it's not a question of one law for the Rich and +another for the Poor at _all_. You don't quite _understand_.... If +you _really_ have heard enough, I'll go, of course.... Not at all. If +anything I've said has helped you in making up your mind, I'm only +too----Don't trouble to come to the door!" + +"Mrs. MANGLES, I think? Your husband _not_ at home, I +see. It doesn't matter--you will do _quite_ as well. I'm Mrs. +HONEYBALL.... Oh, you _have_ heard the name.... Seen my +husband's picture on the placards? Oh, you're not taking a liberty in +the very _least_. I shall be only too _delighted_ to give you one. He +_is_ rather nice-looking, isn't he? I'll tell you what I'll do--when +I get home, I'll send you one of his photographs to put on your +mantelpiece.... Oh, I _don't_ think I should have it coloured, if I +were you.... But his hair and moustache aren't _auburn_, and what _do_ +you want to put him in a red tunic for?... Really? The living image of +your first young man? He _will_ be flattered!... You've had several +since? I can quite believe _that_.... Well, if you will promise to get +your husband to give me his vote, perhaps----_Why_ should I have to go +to the--er--'Cimingtery' for it?... Last Christmas?--_dear_ me! I'm +very sorry I----Good-bye, Mrs. MANGLES; and--er--if I _do_ +find I have a photograph to spare----but the portrait of him on that +leaflet is really more _like_, you know!" + +[Illustration: "I _love_ the smell of tobacco!"] + +"No, don't put _down_ your pipe, Mr. GOWLES; I--I _love_ +the smell of tobacco!... You weren't _intending_ to--how friendly of +you!... I daresay you don't know who _I_ am?... Perhaps not, but you'll +let me _tell_ you, won't you?... I've come to ask you to vote for my +husband, Mr. HONEYBALL; he's not a _Tory_, you know, he's a +thorough-going Radical.... Not going to vote for either of them?--Now +_why_?... Oh, no, I'm _sure_ you're not--you're _much_ too pleasant +and gentlemanly to be a horrid Socialist!... You want everything done +away with? Well, the Liberals _are_ going to abolish a lot of things. +There's the House of Lords, for instance, you're against _them_, +I'm sure.... Not more than you are against the House of Commons? +Oh, but you don't _really_ want to destroy one of our most ancient +institutions!... Capitalists? oh, they're sharks and bloodsuckers and +landgrabbers and all that, I _quite_ agree with you there--only they're +all _Tories_, you know.... Why shouldn't you share in all the wealth +you're assisting to produce? Why are you to be robbed of the product +of your brain and hands?--I really don't know--it's very wrong, no +doubt--what _do_ you produce?... Oh, you're a bill-poster? I _see_. +Now don't get excited.... Your only hope is in the Gospel of Hate?... +Now _really_, such a _disagreeable_ thing to say!... If I could only +bring you to see that by voting for the Liberals----... I'm _not_ +a smooth-tongued humbug, and it's extremely rude of you to call me +anything of the kind.... I never said you hadn't a perfect right to +vote as you pleased.... Very _well_, then, _keep_ your horrible vote, +I'm sure _I_ don't want it! (_To herself, as she departs._) I shall go +home. If I see any more of these people, I shall find I've turned into +a rabid Tory--and I'm sure HORACE wouldn't like that!" + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Monday_ memorable for MELBA. Never sang better than as +mad-as-a-hatter heroine of DONIZETTI'S _Lucia di Lammermoor_. +Three hearty, deafening, unanimous encores for the brilliant +fireworky Hanwellian vocalisation in LUCY'S (not "H. +W. LUCY'S," of the _D. N._, but Miss LUCIA'S) great +_de lunatico inquirendo_ scena. After encore, inevitable gigantic +basket of flowers handed up to triumphant cantatrice by Beaming +BEVIGNANI and talented assistants in orchestra. Conductor and +musicians ought not to be used as agents for delivery of bouquets to +_prime donne_. If somebody among audience wishes to publicly present +singer with floral testimonial, why not let that Somebody step forward +(as the person in church who would "forbid the banns" is invited to do) +and hand it to her himself on a stick? Or if he be in some other part +of the house, DULCISSIMUS DRURIOLANUS would himself introduce +him and his basket of flowers on to, and off, the stage. The encores +and the floral testimonial quite turned mad heroine's head. + +[Illustration: alvé à la "'Ria."] + +That is, so turned it round again that she became quite sane and +chatted amicably with two or three of the leading chorus "up stage" +until it suddenly occurred to her that she must go mad again, which she +did at once, most effectively. After this "_Fra poco_," the swan-like +(if swan a tenor) death-song of _Edgardo_, cannot go for its value +unless sung by a most popular and highly-gifted tenor. So it stands +to the credit of Signor DASH-MY-VIGNAS that, in this, he was +enthusiastically applauded, and soon after "laid him down and dee'd" +in the midst of an admiring and more-or-less sympathetic Chorus. +Great opera for Chorus giving expression to their feelings. How they +cry or laugh, and point and gesticulate and threaten and sympathise +as guests in low dresses without anything distinctively Scotch about +them, except in the case of one lady over whose shoulder I fancy I +detected a tartan scarf of clannish pattern. _Normanno_, played by, I +think, IGINIO CORSI (which name, in compliment to the national +Scotch liquor, ought to have been changed to "IWISKIO CORSI"), +bore remarkable resemblance to Markis o' SALISBURY. I do +not remember ever having seen or heard Lord SALISBURY as +a vocalist. To be remembered as _The_ MELBA Night of the +Season--up to now. + +_Wednesday._--CALVÉ as _Carmen_ simply perfect. That is +all I have to say; like the Raven (not _Barnaby Rudge's_, but +EDGAR A. POE'S), I announce "Only this, and Nothing More." +And ALVAREZ as _José_, "Gentleman JOE," who does +not drive, but is driven to madness, first-rate; in last scene, +struggle and assassination most thrilling, dramatically: even +stall-by-the-season'd opera-goers holding breath, and clutching at +backs of seats. Audience, ordinarily indifferent to fate of heroine +in last act, wait till bitter end. They only quit when quite sure +_Carmen_ cannot possibly sing any more. Madame MELBA, +who, "_by request of the Management_"--how modestly is this put, +O DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS!--"_has kindly consented to play +Michaela_," exceeded the terms of her amiable contract, as she not only +"played" _Michaela_, but sang the music superbly, her singing being +faultless, which her "playing" was not. Mossoo ALBERS rather +out of it as _Escamillo_, and _Toréador_ was not an Encoreador, whereat +_Toréador non contento_. All the principals sang in French, "knowing +the language," but clever Chorus stuck to Italian. _Benissimo!_ +BEVIGNANI beaming, and beating time. House crowded; elections +and political parties disturb not the harmony of Covent Garden. Yet +"last week but one" announced, and end in view. WAGSTAFF, +seeing CALVÉ in first act with scarf or belt round waist, +suggests riddle, "Why is CALVÉ a perfect _Carmen?_" Before +you can break away from him, without damage to your button-hole, +he answers, "Because she plays the part with _a-band-on_." _Exit_ +WAGSTAFF. + +_Friday._--_Pagliacci._--A new _Nedda_ in Mlle. ZÉLIE DE +LUSSAN. _Nedda_ is rather a Loose'un, and Mlle. ZÉLIE +is as good a _Nedda_ as you can get "when t'other dear charmer's +away." Then to follow, CALVÉ in _Calvé-'lleria Rusticana_ +admirably dramatic. Can't believe this Magdalenish saint-like woman can +possibly be that deuce of a young woman, _Carmen_, of t'other night. +But "_F[oe]mina varium et mutabile_ (also _cantabile_) _semper_." All +the others good as ever, specially GIULIA RAVOGLI, as the gay +_Lo-la-li-ety_. + + * * * * * + +SCRAPS FROM CHAPS. + +The hedgehog is sometimes accused of helping himself to a drink from +a recumbent cow, but his larger relative, the domestic pig, is to be +even still more commended for his enterprise. According to the _Western +Daily Mercury_, in a farmyard in the parish of Uffculme a pig was +observed to rear on his hind legs and suck milk from a cow. This sight +must have enormously impressed the spectator. But it ought to have been +a dog. + + * * * * * + +Surely a Radical Unionist is a new departure in politics. Mr. +STRAUSS, who is opposing Mr. CONYBEARE, M.P. for +the Camborne division of Cornwall, in reply to a question at Cusgarne +said that he was a Radical Unionist, but the name Liberal was good +enough for him. Mr. STRAUSS is to be congratulated on his +new political "Doctrinen"; but, if he should succeed in defeating Mr. +CONYBEARE, he seems likely to lead the Whips a pretty dance. + + * * * * * + +It seems a little hard on a Parliamentary candidate when he is +seriously misrepresented by his own friends. This is what Mr. +MICHAEL WILLIAMS has suffered in the St. Austell division of +Cornwall at the hands of his friend Canon BUSH. With every +intention of doing Mr. WILLIAMS a good turn, the worthy Canon +fired off a letter in the local press containing a serious misquotation +of a speech said to have been made by Mr. WILLIAMS about the +false doctrines of the Nonconformists. The explosion of this shell in +the Nonconformist camp has not improved Mr. WILLIAMS'S chance +of success, and he probably believes in the truth of the old saying, +that "Good wine needs no Bush." + + * * * * * + +A PULL ALL TOGETHER.--What our forefathers would have called +"seeking an explanation from one's representative," is now, in these +days of political slang, known as "pulling your member's leg!" Witness +what happened in West Fife: + + "Mr. WEMYSS said, that if they returned him they would have + the advantage of being able to run down to WEMYSS when he did + anything wrong and pull his leg at the cost of a sixpence in train + money, whereas, if they wanted to pull Mr. BIRRELL over the + coals, it would cost them £3 to go to London." + +The electors would certainly seem to "have the pull" by Mr. +WEMYSS'S proximity; but why didn't some heckler retort by +saying that in pulling a candidate's leg voters must be careful not to +get hold of a calf? + + * * * * * + +SLOW TRAINING.--The Cork County National Teachers' Association +has passed a resolution that "for the sixth class" the geography of +the British Isles is enough, and "that the British Colonies be held +over till the examination in the second year." But how will the British +Colonies like being held over? And is not Ireland itself going to be +a self-governing British Colony--some day? But that idea, too, seems +"held over" for the present. The National Teachers, however, are true +Nationalists, because they also resolved that "Professors of Irish +should be appointed in all the Training Colleges." If females, they +will be expected to wear the Celtic fringe, of course. + + * * * * * + +READY AND WILLING (_in the Cornell-Leander Fiasco_).--One crew +wasn't "ready," but the starter was "WILLAN"--like _Barkis_. +The Cornell crew was ready and willin'. So they had the starter with +them at all events; and, they started. Angry partisans described the +proceeding as "Willanous." So it was,--from one point of view. + + * * * * * + +ELECTION PARADOXES.--Standing for a seat, and running against +a sitting Member. + + * * * * * + +THE GENERAL ELECTION CRY.--"Take your seats, Gentlemen!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY. + +_The Professor_ (_who has just come back from the North Pole_). +"----AND THE FAUNA OF THESE INHOSPITABLE REGIONS IS AS POOR AS THE +FLORA! YOU COULDN'T NAME A DOZEN ANIMALS WHO MANAGE TO LIVE THERE." + +_Mrs. Malapert._ "OH--I DARE SAY I COULD!" + +_The Professor._ "REALLY--WHAT _ARE_ THEY?" + +_Mrs. Malapert._ "WELL, NOW--FIVE POLAR BEARS, LET US SAY, AND--AND +SEVEN SEALS!"] + + * * * * * + +IL "TRUE BLUE" INGLESE. + +_All' illustrissimo Signor Punch._ + +ILLUSTRIOUSEST SIR,--I feel myself in duty of to write to +her these few lines for to tell to her the my opinion of the of her +country. Ah, the beautiful England! One speaks in Italy of the _cielo +inglese_, when the sky is grey and overcast. For the first time I come +now in the my ship to the of her country. _Ecco_, the sky is blue! In +the our country so many things are blue--the sky, the sea, the lakes, +the distant mountains, but in the our language not there is the word +"blue." One says "azure" or "turquoise," but not the general term +"blue." Therefore before I come to England I think, "We Italians see +the colour blue, but not can say it, and these english have the word, +but see never the colour." And _ecco_ I arrive, and the sky is blue! +Not it is the blue of Napoli, not it is the blue of Geneva, and perhaps +it is to-day only, but _veramente_ it is blue. It is much curious. + +Also I have found other things blue. Some time the sea is pale blue. +Some time the milk is pale blue. And one english says to me, "The +sea was rough and the wind blue," but this not can I understand. The +his friends say he likes chaff. _Diavolo_, what taste! But perhaps +the chaff is much helpful for the digestion, like the english brown +bread, which some brave men eat. The his friends say also, "He chaffs +till all is blue." Perhaps when one eats the chaff the eyesight is +altered. It is much curious. There are other things blue in England. +There are "the blues." One my friend says to me that this phrase is the +french _ennui_. Then I have not it seen yet, for it is always _festa_ +since our arrival. I have heard that the blues are at Oxford and at +Cambridge, above all at the College of Girton. But the evening past +I saw the blue the most beautiful. Ah, the exquisite eyes! Ah, _la +bellissima signorina inglese!_ so graceful, so courteous, so beautiful! +And the her eyes were blue, so blue! Never have I seen a colour so +sweet. The sea at Napoli, the sky at Palermo, the lake at Bellagio--it +seems to me that they are grey and ugly when I think to the her eyes. + +Ah, Signor _Punch_, Her is a man, Her can love, Her, I know it, admires +the beauty of the women! So to her I tell that those blue eyes have hit +the heart of the italian. Not in Italy, but in England, one sees the +blue the most divine. + +Her I beg to accept the my compliments and I have the honour to say +myself. + + Her Devotedest Servant, + + ANDREA DORIA DANDOLO VESPUCCI-COLOMBO. + + * * * * * + +ORDER! ORDER! + + ["Colonel NORTH bases his appeal for support on the plea that + he will see to it that West Leeds gets its full share of whatever work + may be going."--_Leeds Mercury._] + + O "dark and true and tender is the NORTH!" + And wondrous service to West Leeds he'll render; + _He_'ll see, when Government work is going forth, + West Leeds shall have its chance--at least to tender. + "Orders are heaven's first law." That is the kernel + Of the "dear Colonel's" creed; and it contents + Those who to Governments raise the cry eternal + Of "Give your orders, Gents!" + + * * * * * + +ECHOES FROM THE POLLS. + +Elected am I? Well, I am really much obliged. + +Oh, certainly, shall be truly delighted to do anything in my power. + +Fancy in these hard times that it is a little difficult to increase a +subscription list. + +Only too pleased, but must be rather careful not to infringe the +Bribery Acts. + +Truly intend to live up to my opinions. Would not alter them for worlds. + +Cannot recall everything I said during the heat of the election, and +probably was imperfectly reported. + +Do not claim any more liberty of action than to obey the dictates of my +conscience. + +Afraid cannot adequately represent every phase of political opinion. + +Will give as much satisfaction in Westminster as practicable. + +Party arguments are rather superfluous after the contest, and therefore +have to be avoided. + +Sorry cannot stay longer in the Division itself, as my presence is +required within the precincts of St. Stephen's. + +Would have the greatest pleasure in life to discuss all these matters +of controversy at another time. + +Sorry cannot give exact date, but why not say just before the next +General Election? + + * * * * * + +MEMORABLE.--Wednesday, July 10th. Evening Fête at Botanical +Gardens. _No Rain!!_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OLD WARDER WILLIAM. + +THE VETERAN (_loquitur_). "DEAR ME! WHAT _HAS_ BECOME OF +HARCOURT?"] + + * * * * * + +EX-HON. PRIVATE A. BRIEFLESS, JUN., ON THE I. O. C. R. V. C. AT BISLEY. + +It is scarcely necessary to say that during the sitting of the Courts I +have little time for what may be termed recreation. So when I visited +Bisley on the occasion of the competition for the Ashburnham Shield, +it was in a semi-military and semi-forensic capacity. It was no doubt +pleasing to see one's schoolfellows of a later generation maintaining +the _prestige_ of a common _Alma Mater_; but the chief attraction in +my eyes of the successor to Wimbledon was the presence under canvas of +much that is left of the "Devil's Own." And here let me pause for a +moment to discuss the traditional derivation of the alternative title +of the Inns of Court Rifle Volunteer Corps. I believe His late Majesty +King WILLIAM THE FOURTH (of marine memory) is usually believed +to have been the first to call his lawyer warriors by the name that, +to certain minds, has had since an unsympathetic significance. I am +of opinion that the Sailor Sovereign merely confirmed a title that +had already been obtained by usage. It is more than possible that the +initial supporters of the I. O. C. R. V. C. were counsel seldom holding +briefs of their own, but frequently appearing as "learned" but absent +"friends." It is needless to hint to the Bench and Bar that I refer to +"devils." If my assumption is correct, then indeed would the Battalion +be justly known to fame as "the Devil's Own." + +[Illustration: The Skeleton of a Regiment.] + +I wish I could deny the reports that have found their way into the +papers that the I. O. C. R. V. C. is less prosperous than it was of +yore. Personally, I have it on my conscience that I have not for many +years appeared on parade. To the best of my belief I have only once +joined the ranks. The occasion was a prize distribution in Lincoln's +Inn Hall. As an honorary member I was posted in the front rank of "A" +Company. Then came the perplexing command, "Fours right," which, so +far as I was concerned, ended in disaster. A little later I retired +from all active military service, and have remained in retreat ever +since. Still, at the sound of the bugle my pulse quickens, and I +feel that had I chosen the Tented Field instead of the Forum for the +exercise of my professional duties my career would not have suffered +in prosperity from the alteration. In fact, I believe that with the +conditions changed I should have had just as good a chance of becoming +Commander-in-Chief as Lord Chancellor. But these are regrets that are +out of place in the columns of a periodical that guards the interests +of the universe in general, while fostering the loftiest aspirations of +the legal profession in particular. So I cast them aside as unworthy +the attention of a counsel, a soldier, and a gentleman. + +Let me return to the I. O. C. R. V. C. at Bisley. I found "those of the +faithful who have been true to their trust" defending themselves--there +was no trace of defiance in the action--from the fierce fire of the +noonday sun by wearing straw hats and sporting flannels. It was a +pretty picture, that made by the martial lawyers at their mid-day +parade. The tents, the tubs, the kitchen utensils, and last, but not +least, the mess-house, with its dining saloon and ante-room. Alas, that +the stability of the latter should be inappropriate! Alas, that the +corps, once the pride of the Volunteer Service, should be reduced to +four companies, and (so I believe) have lost its adjutant! Ichabod! How +the mighty have fallen! + +As I watched the sad and yet impressive tableau old memories flocked +upon me. Where was the private who caricatured his Colonel, and showed +how a shako could be combined with a horse-hair wig, and yet look +military and forensic? Where was the lance corporal who invariably +confirmed his captain's commands with an "as your Lordship pleases?" +Where was the rear-rank wag who, on being told to charge, said he "must +leave that sort of thing to his clerk, who kept his fee-book?" Where +was the vocalist who would sing the songs of J. L. MOLLOY, +Barrister-at-Law, and knew the ins and outs of "The Maske of Flowers?" +All of them gone, and their places scarcely filled by new comers! +And, as I gazed upon an energetic private of the I. O. C. R. V. C., +apparently preparing to meet the demands of an expected detachment of +hungry lunchers, I wondered whether anything could be done to revive +the fortunes of the Grand Old Battalion. Could the hours of leisure of +the warriors be occupied by regimental trips down the river, regimental +drags to the races, regimental dinners to one another, regimental +visits to the play, regimental strolls in the Row, regimental bicycles +in Battersea Park? I fancy something of this kind has already been +suggested. Then, if Barristers do not flock in sufficient numbers to +the banners of the Lamb, the Horse, and the Griffin, why not throw +open the ranks to wealthy persons--so to speak--fond of the leaders +of litigation? Again I imagine some such plan has already been under +consideration. + +And, as I thought the matter over, I became gloomier and gloomier. So +sad was I that I had to visit the adjacent cemetery, to revive, under +the modified merriment of the place, into comparative cheerfulness. The +mere recollection of the I. O. C. R. V. C. unmans me. It is better that +I should pause, for I can write no more. + + _Pump Handle Court, July 12, 1895._ + + A. BRIEFLESS, JUN. + + * * * * * + +THE CRY OF THE COUNTER. + +(_By a Shopkeeper who had hoped better things of the Season._) + + Great Scott! Sold again! It's all up with the Season, + Though Summer _is_ Summer, and Goodwood's not gone! + We Shopkeepers hoped for good luck, and with reason, + For things did look bright. But once more we are done; + Done, clean as a whistle! A General Election! + Sprung on us, through BRODRICK, and cordite, and stuff! + A plague on both parties, a curse on each section! + Your M.P.'s a mooncalf, a muddler, a muff! + + The weather was stunning; Death had not been busy + With Royalties--bless 'em!--and London was full; + And though of course ROSEBERY is not a DIZZY, + He _did_ win the Derby, which gave him some pull. + The Parties kept wrangling,--but nobody bothered; + They didn't make progress,--but none of us cared; + Though LABBY played tricks, or SILOM o pothered, + We stuck to our counters, unshocked and unscared. + + And now, betwixt grass-time and harvest, the duffers + Fight over sheer fudge and kick over the show. + And so once again the poor Shopkeeper suffers. + A murrain on HARCOURT, a plague upon JOE! + For policy BALFOUR sets forth "Dissolution," + And thinks he has scored. Had I temper, and breath, + _And_ his ear, I could smash up his smart elocution, + _His_ game's Dissolution,--to us it means death. + + The fat's in the fire, and the spark's in the powder, + We're in for a long spell of wigs on the green. + Our clients will scatter, and louder and louder + Will swell the fool-chorus of partisan spleen. + Sir BOTTLEBY SNIPE must be off beyond Humber, + And sweet Lady SPENDWELL goes Primrosing, south, + And I, poor shopkeeper, may just as well slumber, + With rage in my heart and my thumb in my mouth. + + Oh, slaves of the shop, from Pall Mall to far Peckham, + Say, is it not time that _you_ rose and rebelled? + The parties just play with us. Can we not check 'em? + By Jove, if one chorus of shopdom but swelled, + Like the working man's howl, on those Westminster wobblers, + The sweet little game they all play it might stop. + For Socialist dockers and Radical cobblers + They've ears; but they're deaf to the Cry of the Shop. + + The rents, rates and taxes pile higher and higher, + The Stores undersell us--and cop ready cash! + The Hebrew monopolist, fiercer and slyer + Than tiger-cat, schemeth to send us to smash. + The landlord rack-rents us, and then pops the profit + He draws out of us into syndicate Stores! + I tell you the shopkeeper's life is a Tophet, + M.P.'s play at "Progress," and _we_ pay all scores. + + And then they ask me for my vote!!! Why, what guerdon + Have I for my votings these twenty years past? + Continual addition to back-breaking burden! + I say the last straw has been laid on, at last; + At least upon this individual camel. + To forward true Progress I don't think I'm loth, + But sick of prolonged Party trick, trap, and trammel, + If I had my wish, I would--_vote against both!_ + + * * * * * + +THE MODERN IXION.--This mythological character finds his +present representative in a shareholder Bound to the Great Wheel at +Earl's Court. However, Ixion and his wheel went on for ever! In which +case Modern Ixion ought to be an exceptionally lucky person. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I SAY, OLD MAN, WHAT'S THAT AWFUL ROW GOING ON NEXT +DOOR?" + +"OH, THAT'S THE OMPHALE CLUB. THE LADIES ARE HAVING THEIR FIRST +WHIST PARTY OF THE SEASON!"] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW NORRIBLE TALE. + +(_From a Philistinish Point of View._) + +AIR--"_The Norrible Tale._" + + 'Tis a norrible tale I'm going to tell + Of the frightful fortunes which befel + A family who late resided + In the same suburban street that I did. + O it is a norrible tale! + 'Twould make a Maëterlinck turn pale, + With its frightful blend of the grim and glum, + Of fiddle-de-dee, and fi-fo-fum! + + O they were a decent Philistine lot + Till they caught the contagion of "Tommy-Rot," + That kind of mental, malarial fever, + Which floors the foolish and foils the clever. + O it is a norrible tale, &c. + + This Influenza of the Soul + Haunted their house like some gruesome "troll." + (The family--which their name was GIBSON-- + Knew all about such from the works of IBSEN.) + + The father first felt the spell unholy, + And the man's demeanour grew truly "trolly." + He was--in Peckham--a Master Builder, + And he "carried on" with a drudge named 'TILDER. + + The slavey said it was truly thrilling, + But struck for another--weekly--shilling. + "She was ready to thrill till all was blue, + But it _must_ be reckenised in her 'screw!'" + + His wife declared he was most inhuman, + And, for her part, she should turn New Woman! + So she grew--to him--an emotional icicle, + And mounted knickers, and rode a bicycle. + + The eldest son, an athletic young fellow, + Who had gained his "Blue," took at once to Yellow. + "Muscle," he said, in a tone despotic, + "Is beastly vulgaw; good form's Neurotic!" + + The youngest daughter, a blue-eyed fairy-- + (Her pies were prime, and her name was MARY--) + Now took to cricket, and cigarette-smoking, + And manly manners in togs--and joking. + + The eldest one, of a statelier carriage, + Conceived quaint notions about "Group-marriage:" + "Since man's a satyr, and brings satiety, + The only virtue is--in _variety!_" + + Another girl took to writing novels + On dirt in "dosses," and vice in hovels; + Varying the same with Kiplingy verses, + With ingenious rhymes to street-slang and curses. + + The youngest boy, who was "only a nipper," + Contributed "Art" to the "Sixpenny Snipper," + Which his sisters said was "supremely delicious, + As a blend of the infantile and vicious." + + * * * * * + + The father died of his drudge and drink, + The wife broke her back at a skating rink; + And as to the slavey, whose name was 'TILDER, + She "thrilled"--on street-preaching and rum--till they killed her. + + The eldest son read NORDAU and LOMBROSO, + Till his brain went shaky--'twas always so-so-- + He imagines himself a pot of mustard, + Of which egomaniacs are making a custard. + + The youngest daughter's an "Amazon Queen" + At the East-end Halls, and she's loud and lean; + The eldest--whose freedom all bonds would sully-- + Is tied to--and thrashed by--a pugilist bully. + + The writer of sensuous snippety novels, + In Grub Street gutters forlornly grovels; + The "Boy Genius of Gehenna," of the babbling boasters, + Turns a very poor penny by Stygian Posters! + O it _is_ a norrible tale! + And what do New Women and New Art avail? + Egomania-Tommyrotica is all a hum, + Half fiddle-de-dee, and half fi-fo-fum! + + * * * * * + +BANDS AND BOMBS.--How many Hungarian Bands are there about? +There's a "Real Blue Hungarian" (does this mean a "True Blue," good old +Tory, Band?)--there's an "Anglo-Hungarian," and a "White Hungarian." In +fact, Hungarian Band "with variations." The Real Hung'ry-an'-Thirsty +Bands are to be seen every night in the Feeding Places of the Indian +Exhibition, Earl's Court, where, specially within the bowers of the al +fresco Welcome Club, _can_ be served a very good dinner which _may_ be +bettered; and, if you are a Lucullus, you _comme gourmet_ will have to +Look-ullus-where for it. [N.B.--To get this jest well received give +the dinner yourself, and towards the middle of the feast try the jape. +They'll all laugh _en--mais après?_] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AYE! BUT HOW?" + +_Squire_ (_in dog-cart_). "HERE! YOU FOOL! HOLD HIS HEAD!!"] + + * * * * * + +MISONEOGYNY. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--New Woman dead? Not a bit of it. Don't +believe she ever existed. Never met her anywhere myself, and never met +anybody who has. It's my belief there "ain't no sich person." Merely +an idea or an influence, don't you know; and you can't shake hands, go +into dinner, dance, or flirt with a poisonous influence, any more than +you can with a bad smell. Whatever she is, though, afraid she's driven +me into evil courses--rhymes. Here they are:-- + +[Illustration] + + Oh, where is that horrible modern monstrosity, + Where is the woman whom people call "New," + Who thinks, speaks, and acts with such utter atrocity, + Tell me, oh where are the "women who do"? + Half angry, half sad (upon grounds sentimental) man + Begs the New Woman to stoutly proclaim-- + "No longer a lady, and not yet a gentleman"-- + Where are the creatures who own to the name? + This monster has, surely, no lasting vitality, + Only existing in fancy and print; + It is just an unlovely abstract personality, + Coin from the end-of-the-century mint. + And, therefore, in physical prowess and mental, man + Owns her supremacy, calm and serene, + Because the New Woman is like the "Old Gentleman," + Heard of more often--thank heaven--than seen. + +Shouldn't worry if I were "Misoneogynist." New woman fad nearly played +out, only a black cloud floating across the blue sky of common sense. +Nice idea, isn't it? Till cloud rolls by shall remain, + + Yours cheerily, + + A. BACHELOR. + + * * * * * + +THE "BOGEY-LAND OF SCIENCE."--From the _Glasgow Herald_:-- + + "The fourth meeting of the eleventh session of the Andersonian + Naturalists Society was held at 204, George Street, Professor G. + BELL TODD, M.B., C.M., President, in the chair. After the minutes + of last meeting had been read, Mr. ARCHIBALD SHANKS exhibited + an Ichthyodorulite of Gyracanthus." + +Plucky of Mr. SHANKS, that! As the Gyracanthus is an animal +with both a fin and a spine, and it was captured in Ayr, it must be a +sort of flying shark. How on earth did Mr. SHANKS get it to +George Street? It ought to be called "By George Street!" in future. + + * * * * * + +"THE COLONEL'S" PARADOXICAL PURPOSE.--To convert West Leeds +into "NORTH Leads." + + * * * * * + +A TRUE SPORTSMAN'S TIP. + + At anti-gambling "spoil-sports," loudly + The "sportsmen" they would spoil are fretting. + Good friends, though you protest so proudly, + The _true_ spoil-sport is--Betting! + Although it suit the baser sort, + What's sport to them is death to Sport! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +"Piccadilly Sports" is a headline conjuring up pleasant visions +of races, and other jinks unconducive to the peace and comfort of +law-abiding citizens--only authorised race in Piccadilly, the "purblind +race of miserable men." Yet let no irate old gentleman storm the +columns of the _Times_ with a tirade against the police and County +Council on this account. Because there happens to be another Piccadilly +up north. _Hinc (Piccad) illi ludi._ We shall expect to be reading +shortly of "Holborn miners out on strike," "Heroic rescue by the Pall +Mall lifeboat," or "A serious affray with poachers at Paddington." + + * * * * * + +ELECTION INTELLIGENCE. + +TOBY ONCE MORE M.P. + +On Monday the Electors of Barkshire assembled in the great hall +of their county town to elect a Member to serve in the Fourteenth +Parliament of Queen VICTORIA. The High Sheriff presided. +Owing to the constitutional rule which forbids Peers to take part +in Parliamentary electoral proceedings, the Lord Lieutenant of the +county was precluded from showing himself on the platform. It was said +that, indisposed to be entirely out of so interesting and popular +an event, his lordship was present disguised as a tide-waiter. Our +representative, however, did not observe in the throng any person in +nautical dress. + +[Illustration: "Carried unanimously."] + +The hall, which was crowded to its utmost capacity, was gaily decorated +with flags. Across the full length of the hall was suspended a banner +bearing the proud device "BARKS'S IS WILLIN'." + +Our esteemed ex-Member was accompanied on the platform by the principal +county gentry of all shades of political opinion. On taking his seat in +the front row of chairs, he was received with rounds of Kentish fire, +made in Barkshire. Having been proposed and seconded in eulogistic +terms, report of which he has expressed a desire we should suppress, +the High Sheriff inquired if any elector desired to propose another +candidate? + +"I should think not," said a burly Barkshire farmer, ominously grasping +a stout blackthorn. + +After this no one seemed disposed to move, and the High Sheriff +declared TOBY, M.P., duly elected. There were loud cries for +the Member, who, overcoming natural and usually insuperable diffidence, +got on his hind legs. + +"Brother electors," he said, "it is an old saying, 'What Barkshire +thinks to-day, England will do to-morrow.' Obviously some inaccuracy +underlies the aphorism, since whilst you have to-day thought me +worthy of being elected your Member, it's no use England coming +round to-morrow and asking me to represent it in the Commons House +of Parliament. This is the fourth time Barkshire has done me this +honour; and base indeed is the man--(_A Voice, 'Who pays'_)--who could +be insensible to such testimony of confidence and esteem. Brother +electors--(_A Voice, 'Who stole the Emperor William's uniform?' +Disturbance at the end of the hall. Another Voice, 'Chuck him out.'_) +No, electors of Barkshire, let him stay. If he is put outside, he +loses the opportunity of observing your behaviour, and learning how +gentlemen comport themselves when publicly assembled in discharge of +a solemn duty. (_Loud cheers. A Voice, 'That fetches 'em!'_) I was +about to observe, when our friend's feelings temporarily overcame him, +that since I entered the room I have had a number of questions handed +up to me. They are a little late, since I am no longer a candidate +but am duly elected. That, however unusual the case may be, makes no +difference. The first question is: 'Will you, if elected, see that +every man in Barkshire over fifty years of age has three acres of +the best land in the parish, with a cow for every adult child and a +calf a-piece for each infant in arms?' Certainly; I hope I may live +to see established those desirable conditions as between man and man. +(_Cheers._) Another esteemed friend asks: 'Do you understand Local Veto +to mean that a man may go into the public-house, take his noggin or +what not, and when asked to pay may refuse?' I could not if I tried put +my views on the situation more clearly. The Veto, as you all know, is +a Latin word meaning to _vete_, or, as we say in English, to refuse to +stump up. A public-house is, according to 19 Vict. c. 190, a locality. +Local Veto is, therefore, the inalienable right of the English citizen +as defined by my friend. (_Loud cheers._) 'Are you in favour of +Equalisation of the Rates?' To be frank with you, my idea of rates is +that they should be equalised to the extent that makes them absolutely +impalpable. (_'No, no.' 'Yes, yes.' Uproar under the gallery. Cries +of_ 'JUDAS!' _A free fight, during which a man was ejected, +omitting to take his coat with him._) Don't put him out; don't put +anyone out. If there's a renewal of the interruption, form a ring round +the man; then we will see where we are. Here's another question: 'Do +you approve of Ice Creams made in foreign prisons smuggled over here in +barrel-organs and ground out in our streets, ruining the digestion of +our working men?' That is a question which hardly seems to need reply +from a patriotic Englishman. But I will say--and you observe I say it +emphatically--No. (_Loud cheering._) 'Are you in favour of a Second +Chamber, or do you go the length of Tenification?' That is a very nice +question. It shows how deeply and intelligently the men of Barkshire +study the questions of the day. It is not a matter on which I, for one, +care to dogmatize; I will therefore content myself with saying, that +between two and ten we might find the happy medium. (_More cheering, +the audience rising to their feet, waving hats and handkerchiefs._) +Now, gentlemen, that's all the questions I have, and I hope you'll +agree that I have answered them frankly. Ah! here's another one coming +up. (_A dirty piece of paper is passed from hand to hand till it +reached the hon. Member._) 'Could you lend me five bob till Saturday +night?' (_Laughter, in which the hon. Member heartily joined._) I +think, gentlemen, it is time we now proposed a vote of thanks to the +High Sheriff." (_This was carried unanimously, and the meeting broke +up. A torch-light procession conducted the popular member to his family +seat, The Kennel, Barks._) + + * * * * * + +A LITERARY TURN. + +There was a case in the Edinburgh Court of Session the other day, +which shows what is thought of authors north of the Tweed--and not by +publishers, either. A witness remarked of a "defender" that "he was of +a literary turn of mind, and he thought that spoiled him." Many persons +have had similar thoughts, but they have generally refrained from +uttering them quite so bluntly. + + Mistress HATHAWAY rejoiced in a daughter christened ANNE, + Whose proceedings she regarded with concern; + Quoth she--"That WILLUM SHAKSPEARE as a son-in-law I ban. + Why? Because he has a literary turn." + + Growled Sir W-LL-M, on perusal of a certain _Life of Pitt_-- + "Well, we all unquestionably live and learn; + But, in spite of DIZZY'S precedent, I don't believe one bit + In a Premier with a literary turn." + + Said W-LS-L-Y, when a recent work he blankly had surveyed-- + "To answer this biography I yearn. + What an admirable soldier H-ML-Y might, perhaps, have made, + If he had not had a literary turn!" + + * * * * * + +"JUST ON THE CARDS."--Herr IFF'S orchestra. In how +uncertain a state of mind would a telegram from Herr IFF leave +the giver of the entertainment who, having requested wire informing +him whether Herr IFF and his band could come, should receive +this reply: "_If can come will be there at hour stated._" This supposes +that some well-informed, grammatical, telegraphic young lady-clerk has +corrected the spelling of "IFF." _À propos_ of IFF, a +complete entertainment would be a recital by the Veteran HOWE +of WATTS' poems, accompanied by IFF'S band; and a +reading from _Le Château d'If_. + + * * * * * + +INTELLIGIBLE, BUT NOT CLEAR.--"I think," said Mrs. R.'s +married niece, "that good singing is quite wasted on an ordinary +evening party. Now I remember an evening when SANTLEY sang in +a crowded drawing-room at our house, and _a pin might have dropped!_" + + * * * * * + +A DECISION. THE DR. G. TESTIMONIAL.--The _D. T._ is a good +judge of popular sentiment, and, attired as a Judge, is _D. T. ermined_ +that '95 shall be remembered as "_the_ Year of GRACE." + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +109, July 20, 1895, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 44673-8.txt or 44673-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/6/7/44673/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at + www.gutenberg.org/license. + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809 +North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email +contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the +Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + diff --git a/old/44673-8.zip b/old/44673-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0b51927 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-8.zip diff --git a/old/44673-h.zip b/old/44673-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..44196a1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h.zip diff --git a/old/44673-h/44673-h.htm b/old/44673-h/44673-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8d515d1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/44673-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1938 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109. July 20, 1895, by Various. + </title> + + + <link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg"/> + + + <style type="text/css"> + + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + .lowercase {text-transform:lowercase;} + .center {text-align: center;} + .stage {padding-left: 6em;} + +hr { + width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: 33.5%; + margin-right: 33.5%; + clear: both; +} + +hr.tb {width: 50%; margin-left: 25%; margin-right: 25%;} +hr.r5 {width: 5%; margin-left: 47.5%; margin-right: 47.5%;} +hr.full {width: 100%; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 0%;} +hr.poem {width: 12%; margin-left: 4%; margin-right: 86%;} +hr.short {width: 25%; margin-left: 37.5%; margin-right: 37.5%;} + + + span.pagenum {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem h3 {text-align: left;} + .poem h4 {text-align: left;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + + .figcenter, .figright, .figleft {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img {border: none;} + .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right; margin-right: 3em;} + +table { + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; +} + +.break-before { + page-break-before: always; +} + +.under {text-decoration:underline} + +epub headings + +.ph1, .ph2, .ph3, .ph4 { text-align: center; text-indent: 0em; font-weight: bold; } +.ph1 { font-size: xx-large; margin: .67em auto; } +.ph2 { font-size: x-large; margin: .75em auto; } +.ph3 { font-size: large; margin: .83em auto; } +.ph4 { font-size: medium; margin: 1.12em auto; } + + + + + div.trans-note {background: #EEEEEE; border: dashed 1px; border-width: 1px; + margin: 3em 15%; padding: 1em; text-align: center;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, +July 20, 1895, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, July 20, 1895 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: January 15, 2014 [EBook #44673] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + + + + + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <p class="ph2">Vol. 109.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + <p class="ph2">July 20, 1895.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + +<p class="ph4"><a name="TO_A_LADY_HUMORIST" id="TO_A_LADY_HUMORIST">TO A LADY HUMORIST.</a></p> + + + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Your laugh would chase away the blues,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Your smile is always sunny,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">One must be gay—who could refuse?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Your "mission" is just to amuse;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Discarding all blue-stocking views,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">You fancy what is funny.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">You have no fads on Man's Descent</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">From something quite atomic,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">On Diet, Disestablishment,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">On Dress, Diminishing of Rent,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Divorce or Dockyard Discontent—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">You seek for something comic.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">You wear no hygienic shoe,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Your dress is never frightful,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Your sense of humour makes you too</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Alive to what you should not do,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">You laugh at folks, not they at you,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">You write what's quite delightful.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">So laugh, and always make us gay;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Stern women are alarming,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The boldest men, I need not say,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Are simply scared by such as they,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">You do not bore us, anyway.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Your conversation's charming.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 374px;"> +<a href="images/025full.jpg"> + +<img src="images/025.jpg" width="374" height="500" alt="SPORTING EVENT—A RECORD" /></a> +<div class="caption"><p class="ph4">SPORTING EVENT—A RECORD.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">She Won the Sweep!</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<p><i>Unmetrical Adaptation of Robbie Burns' celebrated Line to the "New +Woman," whether in male attire on or off Bicycle, in her Club, driving +her trap, &c., &c.</i>—"A woman's a woman for a' that."</p> + + +<hr class="tb" /> + + + +<p class="ph4">OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</p> + +<p>Of Mr. <span class="smcap">Athol Mayhew's</span> <i>History of Punch</i> the Baron can +at present say nothing, no copy of this work having as yet been +brought to Our Booking Office, and without a ticket-of-leave, or +ticket-for-leaves, granted by <i>Mr. Punch</i> himself, per the Baron de +B.-W., the book of <span class="smcap">Mahu</span> ("<span class="smcap">Modo</span> he is called and +<span class="smcap">Mahu</span>," as <span class="smcap">Shirley Brooks</span> used to quote from <i>King +Lear</i>) will not have received <i>the</i> "imprimatur." Already it appears, +as we read in a letter from Mr. <span class="smcap">Henry Spielmann</span> (who, if any +man living knows anything about <i>Mr. Punch's</i> history, is the Punchian +Biographer and Historian <i>par excellence</i> and "by appointment") to the +<i>Daily Chronicle</i>, Friday, July 12, that in Mr. <span class="smcap">Mayhew's</span> book +there are numerous errors on important matters. "<i>Mayhew-manum est +errare.</i>" But "Herr <span class="smcap">Von Spielmann</span> will put him right in his +forthcoming book," says</p> + +<p class="center"> +<span class="smcap">The Judicious<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 6em;">Baron de Book-Worms</span>.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Covent Garden Opera Proverb.</span>—"When in doubt play <i>Faust</i>."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Happy Thought!</span>" (<i>Apropos of a recent case in the Marylebone +Police Court</i>).—What a good title for an old-fashioned pantomime in +the East End (where <i>the</i> real pantomimes used to be): "<i>Harlequin and +the Mysterious Manx Mannikins; or, Snapshot and the Demon Camera!</i>"</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph4">BRIGGS, OF BALLIOL.</p> + +<p class="ph4"><span class="smcap">Part II.</span></p> + +<p>Two years passed, and never a syllable could I learn of +<span class="smcap">Briggs</span>. Then I met <span class="smcap">Trotter</span> of Trinity at Piccadilly +Circus. "By the way," said he, "I suppose you have heard about poor +old <span class="smcap">Briggs</span>?" "No!" I cried. "What of him?" "Oh, I thought you +would be sure to know, or I would have broken it to you more gently." +"Why?" I asked, with apprehension. "Has anything happened to him?" +"Well," he replied, with some hesitation, "I—er—I hardly like to tell +you. You were such a friend of his." "You don't mean to say that he +is——?" "Dead? No, poor fellow, not dead exactly, but worse than that, +I fear. He has become a New Man, you see." I looked at <span class="smcap">Trotter</span> +in bewilderment. "Why, you see, he is married—yes, he married the +<span class="smcap">O'Gress</span>, you know. Poor <span class="smcap">Briggs</span>! I saw him yesterday, +and, upon my word, I should scarcely have known him. But go and see him +yourself; you will never believe my story."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Trotter</span> wrote me the address on a card, and the next day +I called. The maid looked somewhat surprised when I asked for Mr. +<span class="smcap">Briggs</span>. He was at home, oh, yes, he was at home, but she +didn't know whether he could see me or not, as he was feeding the +baby. This announcement rather staggered me, but I pulled myself +together sufficiently to assure her that I was an old friend of Mr. +<span class="smcap">Briggs</span>; and, on learning this, she asked me to walk upstairs. +"This is the nursery," she said, when we had reached the topmost +storey. "You will find Mr. <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> inside."</p> + +<p>I opened the door, and what a scene greeted me! There was +<span class="smcap">Briggs</span>, my old friend <span class="smcap">Briggs</span>, the gallant +<span class="smcap">Briggs</span> of Balliol, rocking ceaselessly to and fro the while +he crooned in a low monotone to a bundle of pins and flannel that +lay cradled in his arms. I sprang forward to grip him by the hand. +He laid his finger on his lips, and in an agonised whisper murmured, +"Sh!—You'll wake the baby!" I controlled myself, and sank into a +chair, to which he motioned me. <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> hushed the infant +anxiously for a minute or two until it was well asleep; then he turned +to me, and with a sickly smile whispered, "I'm glad to see you, +<span class="smcap">Robinson</span>, but please talk very gently, for fear of waking the +Cutsababoo."</p> + +<p>It grieved me to hear poor <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> talk in this fashion, but +there were a thousand questions I was burning to ask him.</p> + +<p>"Oh, <span class="smcap">Briggs</span>, why did you leave Balliol so suddenly?" "Sh!" +he answered, looking nervously round him. "<i>She</i> took me away." "And +why did you never write to anyone?" "Sh! <i>She</i> forbade me." "Forbade +you?" "Yes, yes, indeed. Oh, <span class="smcap">Robinson</span>, you do not know my +wife!" I was inwardly thanking my stars that I had not this honour when +<span class="smcap">Briggs</span>, overcome with his emotion, suddenly flung up his arms +and covered his face with his hands. The action upset the equilibrium +of the baby, which rolled off his lap, fell on the floor, and awoke +with a scream. With a cry of dismay <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> caught up the +bundle, and tossed it violently up and down, addressing it the while in +such intelligible terms as these—"And did it wake its darling ducky +Cutsababoo, it did! It was a naughty cruel Dada, it was!"</p> + +<p>It would be hard to say which made the greater noise, <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> +or the baby; but <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> had the staying power, and after +a fight the baby gave it up. <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> gazed at it as it lay +exhausted in his arms, then turning to me, he said, "I think the +Cutsababoo has done crying now, <span class="smcap">Robinson</span>. Will you excuse me +if I sing him to by-byes?" In olden days <span class="smcap">Briggs</span> had a glorious +baritone voice, and to hear him sing the Balliol Boating Song was a +musical treat. I therefore readily agreed to stay and listen. "The +Duckydoo is very particular," explained <span class="smcap">Briggs</span>. "He will only +go to sleep to his own ickle tune, <i>The New Lullaby</i>."</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Mummy has gone to the city,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Cutsaba—Cutsababoo!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But Mummy will think of her Pretty,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And buy him a little toy too.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Daddy will dandle the Darling,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And show him his beautiful toy.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Hushaby, Pet! Baby, don't fret!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Sleepery, Peepery Boy!</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Mummy is making the money,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Cutsaba—Cutsababoo!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To buy a new bonnet for sonny,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">A jacket for Daddykins too.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Daddy will dandle the Darling,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And show him his beautiful toy.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Hushaby, Pet! Baby, don't fret!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Sleepery, Peepery Boy!"</span><br /> +</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Briggs</span> had just reached the end of the second verse when his +keenly sensitive ear caught the sound of a latchkey turning in the +door. A look of terror crossed his face. "It's <i>she!</i> It's <i>she!</i>" he +cried. "Oh, <span class="smcap">Robinson</span>, if she finds you here! Oh, if you love +me, fly!" I needed no second bidding. With a hasty grip of the hand I +bade my friend farewell, and this is the last that has been seen of +<span class="smcap">Briggs</span> of Balliol.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 730px;"> +<a href="images/026full.jpg"> + +<img src="images/026.jpg" width="700" height="491" alt="THE MODERN MAID OF ATHEN" /></a> +<p class="ph4">THE MODERN MAID OF ATHENS.</p> + + +<p><i>John Bull</i> (<i>hesitatingly</i>). "<span class="smcap">Maid of Athens, ere we +'part'</span>——" + +<i>Maid of Athens</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). "<span class="smcap">Think what you owe to Attic +Art?.</span>"</p> + +<p><br />[ the invitation of H.R.H. the Prince of <span class="smcap">Wales</span>, a large +meeting of these interested in the British School of Art at Athens was +held on July 9 in St. James's Palace. The Prince of <span class="smcap">Wales</span> +said: "I sincerely hope we may soon hear that the School has been +placed in an assured position for ever."—<i>Times Report.</i>]</p></div> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 341px;"> +<a href="images/027full.jpg"> +<img src="images/027.jpg" width="341" height="500" alt="A LABOUR OF LOVE" /></a> +<p class="ph4">A LABOUR OF LOVE!</p> + +<p><i>Benevolent Lady</i> (<i>who has with infinite trouble organised a Country +Excursion for some overworked London Dressmakers</i>). "<span class="smcap">Then mind +you're at the Station at Nine to-morrow, Eliza. I do hope it won't +Rain!</span>"</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap"><i>Rine</i>, Miss! I 'owp not, to be sure! The Country's bad enough +when it's <i>Foine</i>, yn't it, Miss?</span>"</p> + +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph4">CUE FOR CANVASSERS.</p> + +<p class="center">(<i>By a Cynic.</i>)</p> + +<blockquote> +<p>["In all the doubtful constituencies the result may be regarded as +depending largely upon the persuasion and argument brought to bear upon +individual electors."—<i>The Yorkshire Post.</i>]</p> +</blockquote> +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Persuasion? Argument? Very nice names</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For Radical Caucusites, Primrose Dames,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And other retailers of party riddles,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Ex parte</i> statements, and taradiddles!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Gregarious voters, of old bribes did you all;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Now argument deals with the "individual."</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With the man—or his wife—you must seek occasion,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Canvasser clever, to try "persuasion."</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To "argue" that <span class="smcap">Bloggs</span> is the likeliest chap</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To pour prosperity into your lap;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To "persuade" the Missus that that <span class="smcap">McQuirk</span></span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Will deprive her "man" of his beer <i>and</i> work!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Oh, sweet are the virtues, upon occasion,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of moral (or even <i>im</i>moral) 'suasion!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">When blankets run out and when money's all spent,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Then, then comes the value of "argument."</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And if the "argument" takes the form</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of orders and jobs in a perfect storm;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And when "persuasion" the future gauges</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A promise of liquor and higher wages;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Why, then the result is the same almost,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">'Twixt you and me, and the (<i>Yorkshire</i>) <i>Post!</i></span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Daly Sacrifice to Shakspeare.</span>—Again, thanks to the +enterprise of Mr. <span class="smcap">Augustin Daly</span>, one of <span class="smcap">Shakspeare's</span> +comedies is rendered resplendent with appropriate accessories. <i>A +Midsummer Night's Dream</i>, furnished with new illustrations, and +sparingly curtailed by necessary "cuts," becomes more poetical than +ever. Miss <span class="smcap">Ada Rehan</span> is a "dream" in herself, and Mr. +<span class="smcap">Lewis</span>, as an American playing in England, becomes "translated" +every evening to the complete satisfaction of an appreciating and +crowded audience. The play should run from Midsummer into Michaelmas.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="ph4">A HENLEY BARCAROLLE.</p> + +<p class="center">(<i>By a Parasyllabic Swain.</i>)</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">My lovylade, I peg and bray</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That you will pun my joint to-day;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And we will, dreaming o'er the stodge,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In some remote lackwater bodge.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">We'll take a man <span class="smcap">Joe</span>, bandoline,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And hick-cup, as we slop between</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The bangled tanks—we'll sink and drip,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And strum the things on board our ship.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">List to my lovesick, mew, and come</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Far from the giddy, higgling gum!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Relaying hearses, we will croon,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And through each glowering hide we'll <i>spoon!</i></span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Advertisement (<i>in "Standard"</i>).—"<i>Great Yarmouth. Small House. Close +Aquarium and sea. Servant left.</i>" Who was there when "servant left"? +Also why "close Aquarium and sea"? Perhaps easy but unwise to close the +former, but quite impossible to shut up the latter.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">"Good Bis"-ley. "Tell that to the Marines."</span>—The United +Services Cup was adjudged to the Marines at Bisley. In this competition +the Marines were the best, "all told."</p> + + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Smoking Christian Concert.</span>—In these smoking hot July days a +Smoking Mission seems a good notion. Yet the Baccy-nalian missionaries +may probably have to say, "We have pipe'd unto you, and you have not +responded," except as long as the supply held out. Will there be +distributed tracts entitled <i>A Bird's Eye View of Heaven</i>, <i>A Short Cut +to Truth</i>, <i>Returns to Virtue</i>, <i>What is Life?</i>—<i>A Mixture!</i></p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Proverb à propos of latest New Waltz, "King Gretchen.</span>"—"It's +the last <span class="smcap">Strauss</span> that breaks the record."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Bawbees across the Border.</span>—The <i>Dundee Advertiser</i> has +recently published a table showing the distribution of Ministerial +salaries amongst Peers, Liberal Unionists, and Scotchmen. According +to our canny contemporary, "Scotland fares badly in the new +Administration." The reason for this lament is found in the fact +that the share of Caledonia—"the spoil is taken chiefly by the Clan +Balfour," remarks the <i>D. A.</i>—amounts only to £12,425. And yet this +sum represents the "banging" of a good many "saxpences." North Britain +is unreasonable!</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph3">WASTING HER SWEETNESS.</p> + +<p class="center">(<i>An Electioneering Study.</i>)</p> + +<blockquote> + +<p><span class="smcap">Argument.</span>—Mrs. <span class="smcap">Horace Honeyball</span>, wife of the +Liberal Candidate for a Metropolitan Working-class Constituency, has +undertaken in her husband's interests a house-to-house canvass in +Bodgers' Buildings.</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mrs. H. H.</i> (<i>to herself, as she threads her way through a grove +of drying linen</i>). "I do <i>wish</i> they would hang out their washing +somewhere else—it's absolute ruin to one's hat! What a depressing +place—but then they're all the more likely to be on our side. Have +I got my canvassing cards and the bundle of leaflets? Yes—then I'd +better begin.... How do you <i>do</i>, Mr. <span class="smcap">Dollop</span>?... No, <i>please</i> +don't move—I see I've come upon you all at your tea. So refreshing +on a warm afternoon like this!... No, not any for me, thanks, I never +touch it—and besides, I had some before I came out, you know.... +Oh, never mind about wiping a chair for me, Mrs. <span class="smcap">Dollop</span>.... +Yes, <i>quite</i> comfortable, I assure you. What a delightful home you +have, with all those charming coloured pictures on the wall, and so +<i>beautifully</i> clean, too!... Ah, if you only knew the trouble and worry +of a great house and a whole tribe of servants.... But you mustn't +say that; <i>no</i> one need despair of getting on nowadays, you know. And +this is your little boy and girl? such bright, intelligent little +faces. Jam <i>is</i> so wholesome for them, isn't it?... <span class="smcap">Halbut</span> and +<span class="smcap">Halice</span>? Really! such pretty names <i>I</i> always think; and both +beginning with—er—H.... Well, yes, <i>I have</i> called on some particular +business. I daresay, now, Mr. <span class="smcap">Dollop</span>, you're quite a +politician.... A plasterer? Now, <i>how</i> delightful! Because I must tell +you that my husband.... No, I'm afraid <i>not</i>. You see, we've only just +had the whole house thoroughly done up. I was only going to say that my +husband has such a respect for plasterers as a class, you know. Haven't +I mentioned who he is? <i>How</i> stupid of me! He's Mr. <span class="smcap">Honeyball</span>, +the Radical Candidate for this place.... Yes, I've come about the +elections, of course. Oh, but you <i>ought</i> to care; I'm sure you're far +too intelligent a man to be really indifferent who represents you in +Parliament! And my husband is so devoted to the working-classes; it's +been quite the aim of his life to do something for them. His motto is, +'Trust the People.'... Oh, <i>dear</i> me, no—he's not a <i>shopkeeper</i>—he's +at the Bar.... Certainly <i>not</i>. He's in favour of doing away with +public-houses. He's a barrister—a <i>lawyer</i>, you know.... Ah, but +perhaps you haven't been fortunate in such lawyers as you've <i>met</i>.... +Well, but you wouldn't like the <i>Tories</i> to get in, <i>would</i> you?... But +they've <i>had</i> their 'innings,' as you call it; they've been in a whole +fortnight—and what have they <i>done</i>?... And if the Liberal Government +is kept out, what will become of all the great reforms they've been +trying to give you?... Well, there's Home Rule, for <i>one</i>.... Surely +you're in favour of letting the Irish manage their own affairs?... No, +that's <i>such</i> a mistake; they <i>won't</i> want to manage ours—at least, +except Imperial matters—and why <i>shouldn't</i> they?... All that can so +easily be settled afterwards.... Don't you call 'One man one vote' a +great reform?... Isn't it monstrous that some people should have five +or six votes, while you only have one?... It's foolish to say they're +'welcome to them,' like that, when they only use them to deprive you +of your rights.... Then there's Welsh Disestablishment.... Oh, if you +really can't see the immense importance of it, all I can say is, I'm +extremely sorry.... Yes, I'm going now, and I hope, before the election +day comes, you will have learnt to take a more enlightened——<i>Good</i> +afternoon."</p> + +<p>"I'm so glad to have found you at home, Mr. <span class="smcap">Bilger</span>. I'm +Mrs. <span class="smcap">Honeyball</span>, and I want you to support my husband at the +election—he's standing as a Liberal, you know.... Oh, yes, I think +I can tell you his views on the Liquor Traffic. He's anxious to see +the curse of drinking thoroughly stamped out.... No, I'm sure you're +no friend to publicans—you look <i>far</i> too respectable.... Yes, as you +say, they get rich on the earnings of the poor, and it's high time +they were done away with.... <i>Certainly</i> you may ask me a question.... +No, of course my husband would not <i>dream</i> of putting down Clubs: he +belongs to several himself.... Oh, you meant <i>Working-men's</i> Clubs. You +belong to one yourself? So <i>sensible</i> of you!—and of course there can +be no possible objection, so long as no intoxicating liquor——<i>Not</i> +conducted on Teetotal principles? I'm afraid that <i>would</i> make a +difference.... Why? Because, don't you <i>see</i>, if people can go and +join Clubs, and get drink there, there would be no use in closing the +public-houses, <i>would</i> there? We must be <i>logical</i>.... No <i>doubt</i> +intoxicating drinks are supplied in Clubs, but I don't see what <i>that</i> +has to do with it.... My husband? No, he's not a total abstainer, but +still——... No, no; it's not a question of one law for the Rich and +another for the Poor at <i>all</i>. You don't quite <i>understand</i>.... If +you <i>really</i> have heard enough, I'll go, of course.... Not at all. If +anything I've said has helped you in making up your mind, I'm only +too——Don't trouble to come to the door!"</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 328px;"> +<a href="images/028full.jpg"> + +<img src="images/028.jpg" width="328" height="450" alt=""I love the smell of tobacco" /></a> +<div class="caption"><p class="ph4">"I <i>love</i> the smell of tobacco!"</p></div> +</div> +<p>"Mrs. <span class="smcap">Mangles</span>, I think? Your husband <i>not</i> at home, I +see. It doesn't matter—you will do <i>quite</i> as well. I'm Mrs. +<span class="smcap">Honeyball</span>.... Oh, you <i>have</i> heard the name.... Seen my +husband's picture on the placards? Oh, you're not taking a liberty in +the very <i>least</i>. I shall be only too <i>delighted</i> to give you one. He +<i>is</i> rather nice-looking, isn't he? I'll tell you what I'll do—when +I get home, I'll send you one of his photographs to put on your +mantelpiece.... Oh, I <i>don't</i> think I should have it coloured, if I +were you.... But his hair and moustache aren't <i>auburn</i>, and what <i>do</i> +you want to put him in a red tunic for?... Really? The living image of +your first young man? He <i>will</i> be flattered!... You've had several +since? I can quite believe <i>that</i>.... Well, if you will promise to get +your husband to give me his vote, perhaps——<i>Why</i> should I have to go +to the—er—'Cimingtery' for it?... Last Christmas?—<i>dear</i> me! I'm +very sorry I——Good-bye, Mrs. <span class="smcap">Mangles</span>; and—er—if I <i>do</i> +find I have a photograph to spare——but the portrait of him on that +leaflet is really more <i>like</i>, you know!"</p> + + + + +<p>"No, don't put <i>down</i> your pipe, Mr. <span class="smcap">Gowles</span>; I—I <i>love</i> +the smell of tobacco!... You weren't <i>intending</i> to—how friendly of +you!... I daresay you don't know who <i>I</i> am?... Perhaps not, but you'll +let me <i>tell</i> you, won't you?... I've come to ask you to vote for my +husband, Mr. <span class="smcap">Honeyball</span>; he's not a <i>Tory</i>, you know, he's a +thorough-going Radical.... Not going to vote for either of them?—Now +<i>why</i>?... Oh, no, I'm <i>sure</i> you're not—you're <i>much</i> too pleasant +and gentlemanly to be a horrid Socialist!... You want everything done +away with? Well, the Liberals <i>are</i> going to abolish a lot of things. +There's the House of Lords, for instance, you're against <i>them</i>, +I'm sure.... Not more than you are against the House of Commons? +Oh, but you don't <i>really</i> want to destroy one of our most ancient +institutions!... Capitalists? oh, they're sharks and bloodsuckers and +landgrabbers and all that, I <i>quite</i> agree with you there—only they're +all <i>Tories</i>, you know.... Why shouldn't you share in all the wealth +you're assisting to produce? Why are you to be robbed of the product +of your brain and hands?—I really don't know—it's very wrong, no +doubt—what <i>do</i> you produce?... Oh,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> you're a bill-poster? I <i>see</i>. +Now don't get excited.... Your only hope is in the Gospel of Hate?... +Now <i>really</i>, such a <i>disagreeable</i> thing to say!... If I could only +bring you to see that by voting for the Liberals——... I'm <i>not</i> +a smooth-tongued humbug, and it's extremely rude of you to call me +anything of the kind.... I never said you hadn't a perfect right to +vote as you pleased.... Very <i>well</i>, then, <i>keep</i> your horrible vote, +I'm sure <i>I</i> don't want it! (<i>To herself, as she departs.</i>) I shall go +home. If I see any more of these people, I shall find I've turned into +a rabid Tory—and I'm sure <span class="smcap">Horace</span> wouldn't like that!"</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph4">OPERATIC NOTES.</p> + +<p><i>Monday</i> memorable for <span class="smcap">Melba</span>. Never sang better than as +mad-as-a-hatter heroine of <span class="smcap">Donizetti's</span> <i>Lucia di Lammermoor</i>. +Three hearty, deafening, unanimous encores for the brilliant +fireworky Hanwellian vocalisation in <span class="smcap">Lucy's</span> (not "<span class="smcap">H. +W. Lucy's</span>," of the <i>D. N.</i>, but Miss <span class="smcap">Lucia's</span>) great +<i>de lunatico inquirendo</i> scena. After encore, inevitable gigantic +basket of flowers handed up to triumphant cantatrice by Beaming +<span class="smcap">Bevignani</span> and talented assistants in orchestra. Conductor and +musicians ought not to be used as agents for delivery of bouquets to +<i>prime donne</i>. If somebody among audience wishes to publicly present +singer with floral testimonial, why not let that Somebody step forward +(as the person in church who would "forbid the banns" is invited to do) +and hand it to her himself on a stick? Or if he be in some other part +of the house, <span class="smcap">Dulcissimus Druriolanus</span> would himself introduce +him and his basket of flowers on to, and off, the stage. The encores +and the floral testimonial quite turned mad heroine's head.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 265px;"> +<a href="images/029full.jpg"> + +<img src="images/029.jpg" width="265" height="350" alt="alvé à la "'Ria."" /></a> +<p class="center">alvé à la "'Ria."</p></div> + + + +<p>That is, so turned it round again that she became quite sane and +chatted amicably with two or three of the leading chorus "up stage" +until it suddenly occurred to her that she must go mad again, which she +did at once, most effectively. After this "<i>Fra poco</i>," the swan-like +(if swan a tenor) death-song of <i>Edgardo</i>, cannot go for its value +unless sung by a most popular and highly-gifted tenor. So it stands +to the credit of Signor <span class="smcap">Dash-my-Vignas</span> that, in this, he was +enthusiastically applauded, and soon after "laid him down and dee'd" +in the midst of an admiring and more-or-less sympathetic Chorus. +Great opera for Chorus giving expression to their feelings. How they +cry or laugh, and point and gesticulate and threaten and sympathise +as guests in low dresses without anything distinctively Scotch about +them, except in the case of one lady over whose shoulder I fancy I +detected a tartan scarf of clannish pattern. <i>Normanno</i>, played by, I +think, <span class="smcap">Iginio Corsi</span> (which name, in compliment to the national +Scotch liquor, ought to have been changed to "<span class="smcap">Iwiskio Corsi</span>"), +bore remarkable resemblance to Markis o' <span class="smcap">Salisbury</span>. I do +not remember ever having seen or heard Lord <span class="smcap">Salisbury</span> as +a vocalist. To be remembered as <i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Melba</span> Night of the +Season—up to now.</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday.</i>—<span class="smcap">Calvé</span> as <i>Carmen</i> simply perfect. That is +all I have to say; like the Raven (not <i>Barnaby Rudge's</i>, but +<span class="smcap">Edgar A. Poe's</span>), I announce "Only this, and Nothing More." +And <span class="smcap">Alvarez</span> as <i>José</i>, "Gentleman <span class="smcap">Joe</span>," who does +not drive, but is driven to madness, first-rate; in last scene, +struggle and assassination most thrilling, dramatically: even +stall-by-the-season'd opera-goers holding breath, and clutching at +backs of seats. Audience, ordinarily indifferent to fate of heroine +in last act, wait till bitter end. They only quit when quite sure +<i>Carmen</i> cannot possibly sing any more. Madame <span class="smcap">Melba</span>, +who, "<i>by request of the Management</i>"—how modestly is this put, +<span class="smcap">O Druriolanus Operaticus!</span>—"<i>has kindly consented to play +Michaela</i>," exceeded the terms of her amiable contract, as she not only +"played" <i>Michaela</i>, but sang the music superbly, her singing being +faultless, which her "playing" was not. Mossoo <span class="smcap">Albers</span> rather +out of it as <i>Escamillo</i>, and <i>Toréador</i> was not an Encoreador, whereat +<i>Toréador non contento</i>. All the principals sang in French, "knowing +the language," but clever Chorus stuck to Italian. <i>Benissimo!</i> +<span class="smcap">Bevignani</span> beaming, and beating time. House crowded; elections +and political parties disturb not the harmony of Covent Garden. Yet +"last week but one" announced, and end in view. <span class="smcap">Wagstaff</span>, +seeing <span class="smcap">Calvé</span> in first act with scarf or belt round waist, +suggests riddle, "Why is <span class="smcap">Calvé</span> a perfect <i>Carmen?</i>" Before +you can break away from him, without damage to your button-hole, +he answers, "Because she plays the part with <i>a-band-on</i>." <i>Exit</i> +<span class="smcap">Wagstaff</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Friday.</i>—<i>Pagliacci.</i>—A new <i>Nedda</i> in Mlle. <span class="smcap">Zélie de +Lussan</span>. <i>Nedda</i> is rather a Loose'un, and Mlle. <span class="smcap">Zélie</span> +is as good a <i>Nedda</i> as you can get "when t'other dear charmer's +away." Then to follow, <span class="smcap">Calvé</span> in <i>Calvé-'lleria Rusticana</i> +admirably dramatic. Can't believe this Magdalenish saint-like woman can +possibly be that deuce of a young woman, <i>Carmen</i>, of t'other night. +But "<i>Fœmina varium et mutabile</i> (also <i>cantabile</i>) <i>semper</i>." All +the others good as ever, specially <span class="smcap">Giulia Ravogli</span>, as the gay +<i>Lo-la-li-ety</i>.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph4">SCRAPS FROM CHAPS.</p> + +<p>The hedgehog is sometimes accused of helping himself to a drink from +a recumbent cow, but his larger relative, the domestic pig, is to be +even still more commended for his enterprise. According to the <i>Western +Daily Mercury</i>, in a farmyard in the parish of Uffculme a pig was +observed to rear on his hind legs and suck milk from a cow. This sight +must have enormously impressed the spectator. But it ought to have been +a dog.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Surely a Radical Unionist is a new departure in politics. Mr. +<span class="smcap">Strauss</span>, who is opposing Mr. <span class="smcap">Conybeare</span>, M.P. for +the Camborne division of Cornwall, in reply to a question at Cusgarne +said that he was a Radical Unionist, but the name Liberal was good +enough for him. Mr. <span class="smcap">Strauss</span> is to be congratulated on his +new political "Doctrinen"; but, if he should succeed in defeating Mr. +<span class="smcap">Conybeare</span>, he seems likely to lead the Whips a pretty dance.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It seems a little hard on a Parliamentary candidate when he is +seriously misrepresented by his own friends. This is what Mr. +<span class="smcap">Michael Williams</span> has suffered in the St. Austell division of +Cornwall at the hands of his friend Canon <span class="smcap">Bush</span>. With every +intention of doing Mr. <span class="smcap">Williams</span> a good turn, the worthy Canon +fired off a letter in the local press containing a serious misquotation +of a speech said to have been made by Mr. <span class="smcap">Williams</span> about the +false doctrines of the Nonconformists. The explosion of this shell in +the Nonconformist camp has not improved Mr. <span class="smcap">Williams's</span> chance +of success, and he probably believes in the truth of the old saying, +that "Good wine needs no Bush."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Pull All Together.</span>—What our forefathers would have called +"seeking an explanation from one's representative," is now, in these +days of political slang, known as "pulling your member's leg!" Witness +what happened in West Fife:</p> + +<blockquote> + +<p>"Mr. <span class="smcap">Wemyss</span> said, that if they returned him they would have +the advantage of being able to run down to <span class="smcap">Wemyss</span> when he did +anything wrong and pull his leg at the cost of a sixpence in train +money, whereas, if they wanted to pull Mr. <span class="smcap">Birrell</span> over the +coals, it would cost them £3 to go to London."</p></blockquote> + +<p>The electors would certainly seem to "have the pull" by Mr. +<span class="smcap">Wemyss's</span> proximity; but why didn't some heckler retort by +saying that in pulling a candidate's leg voters must be careful not to +get hold of a calf?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Slow Training.</span>—The Cork County National Teachers' Association +has passed a resolution that "for the sixth class" the geography of +the British Isles is enough, and "that the British Colonies be held +over till the examination in the second year." But how will the British +Colonies like being held over? And is not Ireland itself going to be +a self-governing British Colony—some day? But that idea, too, seems +"held over" for the present. The National Teachers, however, are true +Nationalists, because they also resolved that "Professors of Irish +should be appointed in all the Training Colleges." If females, they +will be expected to wear the Celtic fringe, of course.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Ready and Willing</span> (<i>in the Cornell-Leander Fiasco</i>).—One crew +wasn't "ready," but the starter was "<span class="smcap">Willan</span>"—like <i>Barkis</i>. +The Cornell crew was ready and willin'. So they had the starter with +them at all events; and, they started. Angry partisans described the +proceeding as "Willanous." So it was,—from one point of view.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Election Paradoxes.</span>—Standing for a seat, and running against +a sitting Member.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">The General Election Cry.</span>—"Take your seats, Gentlemen!"</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 750px;"> +<a href="images/030full.jpg"> + +<img src="images/030.jpg" width="750" height="428" alt="AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY" /></a> +<p class="ph4">AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY.</p> + + + +<p><i>The Professor</i> (<i>who has just come back from the North Pole</i>). +"<span class="smcap">——and the Fauna of these Inhospitable Regions is as poor as the +Flora! You couldn't name a dozen Animals who manage to live there.</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Malapert.</i> "<span class="smcap">Oh—I dare say I could!</span>"</p> + +<p><i>The Professor.</i> "<span class="smcap">Really—what <i>are</i> they?</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Malapert.</i> "<span class="smcap">Well, now—five Polar Bears, let us say, and—and +seven Seals!</span>"</p> + +</div> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph4">IL "TRUE BLUE" INGLESE.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>All' illustrissimo Signor Punch.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Illustriousest Sir</span>,—I feel myself in duty of to write to +her these few lines for to tell to her the my opinion of the of her +country. Ah, the beautiful England! One speaks in Italy of the <i>cielo +inglese</i>, when the sky is grey and overcast. For the first time I come +now in the my ship to the of her country. <i>Ecco</i>, the sky is blue! In +the our country so many things are blue—the sky, the sea, the lakes, +the distant mountains, but in the our language not there is the word +"blue." One says "azure" or "turquoise," but not the general term +"blue." Therefore before I come to England I think, "We Italians see +the colour blue, but not can say it, and these english have the word, +but see never the colour." And <i>ecco</i> I arrive, and the sky is blue! +Not it is the blue of Napoli, not it is the blue of Geneva, and perhaps +it is to-day only, but <i>veramente</i> it is blue. It is much curious.</p> + +<p>Also I have found other things blue. Some time the sea is pale blue. +Some time the milk is pale blue. And one english says to me, "The +sea was rough and the wind blue," but this not can I understand. The +his friends say he likes chaff. <i>Diavolo</i>, what taste! But perhaps +the chaff is much helpful for the digestion, like the english brown +bread, which some brave men eat. The his friends say also, "He chaffs +till all is blue." Perhaps when one eats the chaff the eyesight is +altered. It is much curious. There are other things blue in England. +There are "the blues." One my friend says to me that this phrase is the +french <i>ennui</i>. Then I have not it seen yet, for it is always <i>festa</i> +since our arrival. I have heard that the blues are at Oxford and at +Cambridge, above all at the College of Girton. But the evening past +I saw the blue the most beautiful. Ah, the exquisite eyes! Ah, <i>la +bellissima signorina inglese!</i> so graceful, so courteous, so beautiful! +And the her eyes were blue, so blue! Never have I seen a colour so +sweet. The sea at Napoli, the sky at Palermo, the lake at Bellagio—it +seems to me that they are grey and ugly when I think to the her eyes.</p> + +<p>Ah, Signor <i>Punch</i>, Her is a man, Her can love, Her, I know it, admires +the beauty of the women! So to her I tell that those blue eyes have hit +the heart of the italian. Not in Italy, but in England, one sees the +blue the most divine.</p> + +<p>Her I beg to accept the my compliments and I have the honour to say +myself.</p> + +<p class="center"> +Her Devotedest Servant,<br /> + +<span class="smcap">Andrea Doria Dandolo Vespucci-Colombo</span>. +</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph4">ORDER! ORDER!</p> + +<blockquote> + +<p>["Colonel <span class="smcap">North</span> bases his appeal for support on the plea that +he will see to it that West Leeds gets its full share of whatever work +may be going."—<i>Leeds Mercury.</i>]</p></blockquote> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">O "dark and true and tender is the <span class="smcap">North</span>!"</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And wondrous service to West Leeds he'll render;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>He</i>'ll see, when Government work is going forth,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">West Leeds shall have its chance—at least to tender.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Orders are heaven's first law." That is the kernel</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Of the "dear Colonel's" creed; and it contents</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Those who to Governments raise the cry eternal</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Of "Give your orders, Gents!"</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph4">ECHOES FROM THE POLLS.</p> + +<p>Elected am I? Well, I am really much obliged.</p> + +<p>Oh, certainly, shall be truly delighted to do anything in my power.</p> + +<p>Fancy in these hard times that it is a little difficult to increase a +subscription list.</p> + +<p>Only too pleased, but must be rather careful not to infringe the +Bribery Acts.</p> + +<p>Truly intend to live up to my opinions. Would not alter them for worlds.</p> + +<p>Cannot recall everything I said during the heat of the election, and +probably was imperfectly reported.</p> + +<p>Do not claim any more liberty of action than to obey the dictates of my +conscience.</p> + +<p>Afraid cannot adequately represent every phase of political opinion.</p> + +<p>Will give as much satisfaction in Westminster as practicable.</p> + +<p>Party arguments are rather superfluous after the contest, and therefore +have to be avoided.</p> + +<p>Sorry cannot stay longer in the Division itself, as my presence is +required within the precincts of St. Stephen's.</p> + +<p>Would have the greatest pleasure in life to discuss all these matters +of controversy at another time.</p> + +<p>Sorry cannot give exact date, but why not say just before the next +General Election?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Memorable.</span>—Wednesday, July 10th. Evening Fête at Botanical +Gardens. <i>No Rain!!</i></p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 470px;"> +<a href="images/031full.jpg"> + +<img src="images/031.jpg" width="470" height="600" alt="OLD WARDER WILLIAM." /></a> + +<p class="ph4">OLD WARDER WILLIAM.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">The Veteran</span> (<i>loquitur</i>). "DEAR ME! WHAT <i>HAS</i> BECOME OF +HARCOURT?"</p> +</div> + + + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph3">EX-HON. PRIVATE A. BRIEFLESS, JUN., ON THE I. O. C. R. V. C. AT BISLEY.</p> + +<p>It is scarcely necessary to say that during the sitting of the Courts I +have little time for what may be termed recreation. So when I visited +Bisley on the occasion of the competition for the Ashburnham Shield, +it was in a semi-military and semi-forensic capacity. It was no doubt +pleasing to see one's schoolfellows of a later generation maintaining +the <i>prestige</i> of a common <i>Alma Mater</i>; but the chief attraction in +my eyes of the successor to Wimbledon was the presence under canvas of +much that is left of the "Devil's Own." And here let me pause for a +moment to discuss the traditional derivation of the alternative title +of the Inns of Court Rifle Volunteer Corps. I believe His late Majesty +King <span class="smcap">William the Fourth</span> (of marine memory) is usually believed +to have been the first to call his lawyer warriors by the name that, +to certain minds, has had since an unsympathetic significance. I am +of opinion that the Sailor Sovereign merely confirmed a title that +had already been obtained by usage. It is more than possible that the +initial supporters of the I. O. C. R. V. C. were counsel seldom holding +briefs of their own, but frequently appearing as "learned" but absent +"friends." It is needless to hint to the Bench and Bar that I refer to +"devils." If my assumption is correct, then indeed would the Battalion +be justly known to fame as "the Devil's Own."</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 132px;"> +<a href="images/033full.jpg"> + +<img src="images/033.jpg" width="132" height="320" alt="The Skeleton of a Regiment." /></a> +<p class="center">The Skeleton of a Regiment.</p> +</div> + + +<p>I wish I could deny the reports that have found their way into the +papers that the I. O. C. R. V. C. is less prosperous than it was of +yore. Personally, I have it on my conscience that I have not for many +years appeared on parade. To the best of my belief I have only once +joined the ranks. The occasion was a prize distribution in Lincoln's +Inn Hall. As an honorary member I was posted in the front rank of "A" +Company. Then came the perplexing command, "Fours right," which, so +far as I was concerned, ended in disaster. A little later I retired +from all active military service, and have remained in retreat ever +since. Still, at the sound of the bugle my pulse quickens, and I +feel that had I chosen the Tented Field instead of the Forum for the +exercise of my professional duties my career would not have suffered +in prosperity from the alteration. In fact, I believe that with the +conditions changed I should have had just as good a chance of becoming +Commander-in-Chief as Lord Chancellor. But these are regrets that are +out of place in the columns of a periodical that guards the interests +of the universe in general, while fostering the loftiest aspirations of +the legal profession in particular. So I cast them aside as unworthy +the attention of a counsel, a soldier, and a gentleman.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p> +<p>Let me return to the I. O. C. R. V. C. at Bisley. I found "those of the +faithful who have been true to their trust" defending themselves—there +was no trace of defiance in the action—from the fierce fire of the +noonday sun by wearing straw hats and sporting flannels. It was a +pretty picture, that made by the martial lawyers at their mid-day +parade. The tents, the tubs, the kitchen utensils, and last, but not +least, the mess-house, with its dining saloon and ante-room. Alas, that +the stability of the latter should be inappropriate! Alas, that the +corps, once the pride of the Volunteer Service, should be reduced to +four companies, and (so I believe) have lost its adjutant! Ichabod! How +the mighty have fallen!</p> + +<p>As I watched the sad and yet impressive tableau old memories flocked +upon me. Where was the private who caricatured his Colonel, and showed +how a shako could be combined with a horse-hair wig, and yet look +military and forensic? Where was the lance corporal who invariably +confirmed his captain's commands with an "as your Lordship pleases?" +Where was the rear-rank wag who, on being told to charge, said he "must +leave that sort of thing to his clerk, who kept his fee-book?" Where +was the vocalist who would sing the songs of <span class="smcap">J. L. Molloy</span>, +Barrister-at-Law, and knew the ins and outs of "The Maske of Flowers?" +All of them gone, and their places scarcely filled by new comers! +And, as I gazed upon an energetic private of the I. O. C. R. V. C., +apparently preparing to meet the demands of an expected detachment of +hungry lunchers, I wondered whether anything could be done to revive +the fortunes of the Grand Old Battalion. Could the hours of leisure of +the warriors be occupied by regimental trips down the river, regimental +drags to the races, regimental dinners to one another, regimental +visits to the play, regimental strolls in the Row, regimental bicycles +in Battersea Park? I fancy something of this kind has already been +suggested. Then, if Barristers do not flock in sufficient numbers to +the banners of the Lamb, the Horse, and the Griffin, why not throw +open the ranks to wealthy persons—so to speak—fond of the leaders +of litigation? Again I imagine some such plan has already been under +consideration.</p> + +<p>And, as I thought the matter over, I became gloomier and gloomier. So +sad was I that I had to visit the adjacent cemetery, to revive, under +the modified merriment of the place, into comparative cheerfulness. The +mere recollection of the I. O. C. R. V. C. unmans me. It is better that +I should pause, for I can write no more.</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><i>Pump Handle Court, July 12, 1895.</i></span></p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">A. Briefless, Jun.</span> +</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph4">THE CRY OF THE COUNTER.</p> + +<p class="center">(<i>By a Shopkeeper who had hoped better things of the Season.</i>)</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Great Scott! Sold again! It's all up with the Season,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Though Summer <i>is</i> Summer, and Goodwood's not gone!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">We Shopkeepers hoped for good luck, and with reason,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">For things did look bright. But once more we are done;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Done, clean as a whistle! A General Election!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Sprung on us, through <span class="smcap">Brodrick</span>, and cordite, and stuff!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A plague on both parties, a curse on each section!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Your M.P.'s a mooncalf, a muddler, a muff!</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The weather was stunning; Death had not been busy</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">With Royalties—bless 'em!—and London was full;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And though of course <span class="smcap">Rosebery</span> is not a <span class="smcap">Dizzy</span>,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">He <i>did</i> win the Derby, which gave him some pull.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Parties kept wrangling,—but nobody bothered;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">They didn't make progress,—but none of us cared;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Though <span class="smcap">Labby</span> played tricks, or <span class="smcap">Silom</span> o pothered,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">We stuck to our counters, unshocked and unscared.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And now, betwixt grass-time and harvest, the duffers</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Fight over sheer fudge and kick over the show.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And so once again the poor Shopkeeper suffers.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">A murrain on <span class="smcap">Harcourt</span>, a plague upon <span class="smcap">Joe</span>!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For policy <span class="smcap">Balfour</span> sets forth "Dissolution,"</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And thinks he has scored. Had I temper, and breath,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>And</i> his ear, I could smash up his smart elocution,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><i>His</i> game's Dissolution,—to us it means death.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The fat's in the fire, and the spark's in the powder,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">We're in for a long spell of wigs on the green.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Our clients will scatter, and louder and louder</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Will swell the fool-chorus of partisan spleen.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Sir <span class="smcap">Bottleby Snipe</span> must be off beyond Humber,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And sweet Lady <span class="smcap">Spendwell</span> goes Primrosing, south,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And I, poor shopkeeper, may just as well slumber,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">With rage in my heart and my thumb in my mouth.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Oh, slaves of the shop, from Pall Mall to far Peckham,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Say, is it not time that <i>you</i> rose and rebelled?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The parties just play with us. Can we not check 'em?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">By Jove, if one chorus of shopdom but swelled,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Like the working man's howl, on those Westminster wobblers,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">The sweet little game they all play it might stop.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For Socialist dockers and Radical cobblers</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">They've ears; but they're deaf to the Cry of the Shop.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The rents, rates and taxes pile higher and higher,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">The Stores undersell us—and cop ready cash!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Hebrew monopolist, fiercer and slyer</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Than tiger-cat, schemeth to send us to smash.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The landlord rack-rents us, and then pops the profit</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">He draws out of us into syndicate Stores!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I tell you the shopkeeper's life is a Tophet,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">M.P.'s play at "Progress," and <i>we</i> pay all scores.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And then they ask me for my vote!!! Why, what guerdon</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Have I for my votings these twenty years past?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Continual addition to back-breaking burden!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">I say the last straw has been laid on, at last;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">At least upon this individual camel.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">To forward true Progress I don't think I'm loth,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But sick of prolonged Party trick, trap, and trammel,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">If I had my wish, I would—<i>vote against both!</i></span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">The Modern Ixion.</span>—This mythological character finds his +present representative in a shareholder Bound to the Great Wheel at +Earl's Court. However, Ixion and his wheel went on for ever! In which +case Modern Ixion ought to be an exceptionally lucky person.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 386px;"> +<a href="images/034full.jpg"> + +<img src="images/034.jpg" width="386" height="550" alt="I say, Old Man," /></a> + + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I say, Old Man, what's that awful Row going on Next +Door?</span>"</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Oh, that's the Omphale Club. The Ladies are having their first +Whist Party of the Season!</span>"</p> + +</div> + +<hr class="tb" /> +<p class="ph4">THE NEW NORRIBLE TALE.</p> + +<p class="center">(<i>From a Philistinish Point of View.</i>)</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Air</span>—"<i>The Norrible Tale.</i>"</p> + + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">'Tis a norrible tale I'm going to tell</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of the frightful fortunes which befel</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A family who late resided</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In the same suburban street that I did.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">O it is a norrible tale!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">'Twould make a Maëterlinck turn pale,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">With its frightful blend of the grim and glum,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Of fiddle-de-dee, and fi-fo-fum!</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">O they were a decent Philistine lot</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Till they caught the contagion of "Tommy-Rot,"</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That kind of mental, malarial fever,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Which floors the foolish and foils the clever.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">O it is a norrible tale, &c.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">This Influenza of the Soul</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Haunted their house like some gruesome "troll."</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(The family—which their name was <span class="smcap">Gibson</span>—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Knew all about such from the works of <span class="smcap">Ibsen</span>.)</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The father first felt the spell unholy,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And the man's demeanour grew truly "trolly."</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">He was—in Peckham—a Master Builder,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And he "carried on" with a drudge named <span class="smcap">'Tilder</span>.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The slavey said it was truly thrilling,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But struck for another—weekly—shilling.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"She was ready to thrill till all was blue,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But it <i>must</i> be reckenised in her 'screw!'"</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">His wife declared he was most inhuman,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And, for her part, she should turn New Woman!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">So she grew—to him—an emotional icicle,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And mounted knickers, and rode a bicycle.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The eldest son, an athletic young fellow,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Who had gained his "Blue," took at once to Yellow.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Muscle," he said, in a tone despotic,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Is beastly vulgaw; good form's Neurotic!"</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The youngest daughter, a blue-eyed fairy—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(Her pies were prime, and her name was <span class="smcap">Mary</span>—)</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Now took to cricket, and cigarette-smoking,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And manly manners in togs—and joking.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The eldest one, of a statelier carriage,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Conceived quaint notions about "Group-marriage:"</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Since man's a satyr, and brings satiety,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The only virtue is—in <i>variety!</i>"</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Another girl took to writing novels</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">On dirt in "dosses," and vice in hovels;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Varying the same with Kiplingy verses,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With ingenious rhymes to street-slang and curses.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The youngest boy, who was "only a nipper,"</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Contributed "Art" to the "Sixpenny Snipper,"</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Which his sisters said was "supremely delicious,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">As a blend of the infantile and vicious."</span><br /><br /><br /> +</p> + + + +<p><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The father died of his drudge and drink,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The wife broke her back at a skating rink;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And as to the slavey, whose name was <span class="smcap">'TILDER</span>,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">She "thrilled"—on street-preaching and rum—till they killed her.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The eldest son read <span class="smcap">Nordau</span> and <span class="smcap">Lombroso</span>,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Till his brain went shaky—'twas always so-so—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">He imagines himself a pot of mustard,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of which egomaniacs are making a custard.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The youngest daughter's an "Amazon Queen"</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">At the East-end Halls, and she's loud and lean;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The eldest—whose freedom all bonds would sully—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Is tied to—and thrashed by—a pugilist bully.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The writer of sensuous snippety novels,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In Grub Street gutters forlornly grovels;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The "Boy Genius of Gehenna," of the babbling boasters,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Turns a very poor penny by Stygian Posters!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">O it <i>is</i> a norrible tale!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And what do New Women and New Art avail?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Egomania-Tommyrotica is all a hum,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Half fiddle-de-dee, and half fi-fo-fum!</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Bands and Bombs.</span>—How many Hungarian Bands are there about? +There's a "Real Blue Hungarian" (does this mean a "True Blue," good old +Tory, Band?)—there's an "Anglo-Hungarian," and a "White Hungarian." In +fact, Hungarian Band "with variations." The Real Hung'ry-an'-Thirsty +Bands are to be seen every night in the Feeding Places of the Indian +Exhibition, Earl's Court, where, specially within the bowers of the al +fresco Welcome Club, <i>can</i> be served a very good dinner which <i>may</i> be +bettered; and, if you are a Lucullus, you <i>comme gourmet</i> will have to +Look-ullus-where for it. [N.B.—To get this jest well received give +the dinner yourself, and towards the middle of the feast try the jape. +They'll all laugh <i>en—mais après?</i>]</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 800px;"> +<a href="images/035full.jpg"> + +<img src="images/035.jpg" width="800" height="569" alt=""AYE! BUT HOW?"" /></a> +<p class="ph4">"AYE! BUT HOW?"</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Squire</i> (<i>in dog-cart</i>). "<span class="smcap">Here! you Fool! Hold his Head!!</span>"</p> + + +</div> + + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph4">MISONEOGYNY.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 250px;"> +<a href="images/035bfull.jpg"> + +<img src="images/035b.jpg" width="250" height="350" alt="untitled" /></a> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,—New Woman dead? Not a bit of it. Don't +believe she ever existed. Never met her anywhere myself, and never met +anybody who has. It's my belief there "ain't no sich person." Merely +an idea or an influence, don't you know; and you can't shake hands, go +into dinner, dance, or flirt with a poisonous influence, any more than +you can with a bad smell. Whatever she is, though, afraid she's driven +me into evil courses—rhymes. Here they are:—</p> + + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Oh, where is that horrible modern monstrosity,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Where is the woman whom people call "New,"</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Who thinks, speaks, and acts with such utter atrocity,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Tell me, oh where are the "women who do"?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Half angry, half sad (upon grounds sentimental) man</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Begs the New Woman to stoutly proclaim—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"No longer a lady, and not yet a gentleman"—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Where are the creatures who own to the name?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">This monster has, surely, no lasting vitality,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Only existing in fancy and print;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">It is just an unlovely abstract personality,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Coin from the end-of-the-century mint.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And, therefore, in physical prowess and mental, man</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Owns her supremacy, calm and serene,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Because the New Woman is like the "Old Gentleman,"</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Heard of more often—thank heaven—than seen.</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>Shouldn't worry if I were "Misoneogynist." New woman fad nearly played +out, only a black cloud floating across the blue sky of common sense. +Nice idea, isn't it? Till cloud rolls by shall remain,</p> + +<p class="center"> +Yours cheerily,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 6em;"><span class="smcap">A. Bachelor</span>.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">The "Bogey-land of Science."</span>—From the <i>Glasgow Herald</i>:—</p> + +<blockquote> + +<p>"The fourth meeting of the eleventh session of the Andersonian +Naturalists Society was held at 204, George Street, Professor <span class="smcap">G. +Bell Todd</span>, M.B., C.M., President, in the chair. After the minutes +of last meeting had been read, Mr. <span class="smcap">Archibald Shanks</span> exhibited +an Ichthyodorulite of Gyracanthus."</p></blockquote> + +<p>Plucky of Mr. <span class="smcap">Shanks</span>, that! As the Gyracanthus is an animal +with both a fin and a spine, and it was captured in Ayr, it must be a +sort of flying shark. How on earth did Mr. <span class="smcap">Shanks</span> get it to +George Street? It ought to be called "By George Street!" in future.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">"The Colonel's" Paradoxical Purpose.</span>—To convert West Leeds +into "<span class="smcap">North</span> Leads."</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph4">A TRUE SPORTSMAN'S TIP.</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">At anti-gambling "spoil-sports," loudly</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">The "sportsmen" they would spoil are fretting.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Good friends, though you protest so proudly,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">The <i>true</i> spoil-sport is—Betting!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Although it suit the baser sort,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">What's sport to them is death to Sport!</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + +<div class="figright" style="width: 265px;"> +<a href="images/035cfull.jpg"> + +<img src="images/035c.jpg" width="265" height="320" alt="untitled" /></a> +</div> + + +<p><br /><br /><br /><br />"Piccadilly Sports" is a headline conjuring up pleasant visions +of races, and other jinks unconducive to the peace and comfort of +law-abiding citizens—only authorised race in Piccadilly, the "purblind +race of miserable men." Yet let no irate old gentleman storm the +columns of the <i>Times</i> with a tirade against the police and County +Council on this account. Because there happens to be another Piccadilly +up north. <i>Hinc (Piccad) illi ludi.</i> We shall expect to be reading +shortly of "Holborn miners out on strike," "Heroic rescue by the Pall +Mall lifeboat," or "A serious affray with poachers at Paddington."</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph3">ELECTION INTELLIGENCE.</p> + +<p class="center">TOBY ONCE MORE M.P.</p> + +<p>On Monday the Electors of Barkshire assembled in the great hall +of their county town to elect a Member to serve in the Fourteenth +Parliament of Queen <span class="smcap">Victoria</span>. The High Sheriff presided. +Owing to the constitutional rule which forbids Peers to take part +in Parliamentary electoral proceedings, the Lord Lieutenant of the +county was precluded from showing himself on the platform. It was said +that, indisposed to be entirely out of so interesting and popular +an event, his lordship was present disguised as a tide-waiter. Our +representative, however, did not observe in the throng any person in +nautical dress.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 393px;"> +<a href="images/036full.jpg"> + +<img src="images/036.jpg" width="393" height="450" alt=""Carried unanimously."" /></a> +<p class="center">"Carried unanimously."</p> + +</div> + +<p>The hall, which was crowded to its utmost capacity, was gaily decorated +with flags. Across the full length of the hall was suspended a banner +bearing the proud device "<span class="smcap">Barks's is willin'</span>."</p> + +<p>Our esteemed ex-Member was accompanied on the platform by the principal +county gentry of all shades of political opinion. On taking his seat in +the front row of chairs, he was received with rounds of Kentish fire, +made in Barkshire. Having been proposed and seconded in eulogistic +terms, report of which he has expressed a desire we should suppress, +the High Sheriff inquired if any elector desired to propose another +candidate?</p> + +<p>"I should think not," said a burly Barkshire farmer, ominously grasping +a stout blackthorn.</p> + +<p>After this no one seemed disposed to move, and the High Sheriff +declared <span class="smcap">Toby</span>, M.P., duly elected. There were loud cries for +the Member, who, overcoming natural and usually insuperable diffidence, +got on his hind legs.</p> + +<p>"Brother electors," he said, "it is an old saying, 'What Barkshire +thinks to-day, England will do to-morrow.' Obviously some inaccuracy +underlies the aphorism, since whilst you have to-day thought me +worthy of being elected your Member, it's no use England coming +round to-morrow and asking me to represent it in the Commons House +of Parliament. This is the fourth time Barkshire has done me this +honour; and base indeed is the man—(<i>A Voice, 'Who pays'</i>)—who could +be insensible to such testimony of confidence and esteem. Brother +electors—(<i>A Voice, 'Who stole the Emperor William's uniform?' +Disturbance at the end of the hall. Another Voice, 'Chuck him out.'</i>) +No, electors of Barkshire, let him stay. If he is put outside, he +loses the opportunity of observing your behaviour, and learning how +gentlemen comport themselves when publicly assembled in discharge of +a solemn duty. (<i>Loud cheers. A Voice, 'That fetches 'em!'</i>) I was +about to observe, when our friend's feelings temporarily overcame him, +that since I entered the room I have had a number of questions handed +up to me. They are a little late, since I am no longer a candidate +but am duly elected. That, however unusual the case may be, makes no +difference. The first question is: 'Will you, if elected, see that +every man in Barkshire over fifty years of age has three acres of +the best land in the parish, with a cow for every adult child and a +calf a-piece for each infant in arms?' Certainly; I hope I may live +to see established those desirable conditions as between man and man. +(<i>Cheers.</i>) Another esteemed friend asks: 'Do you understand Local Veto +to mean that a man may go into the public-house, take his noggin or +what not, and when asked to pay may refuse?' I could not if I tried put +my views on the situation more clearly. The Veto, as you all know, is +a Latin word meaning to <i>vete</i>, or, as we say in English, to refuse to +stump up. A public-house is, according to 19 Vict. c. 190, a locality. +Local Veto is, therefore, the inalienable right of the English citizen +as defined by my friend. (<i>Loud cheers.</i>) 'Are you in favour of +Equalisation of the Rates?' To be frank with you, my idea of rates is +that they should be equalised to the extent that makes them absolutely +impalpable. (<i>'No, no.' 'Yes, yes.' Uproar under the gallery. Cries +of</i> '<span class="smcap">Judas!</span>' <i>A free fight, during which a man was ejected, +omitting to take his coat with him.</i>) Don't put him out; don't put +anyone out. If there's a renewal of the interruption, form a ring round +the man; then we will see where we are. Here's another question: 'Do +you approve of Ice Creams made in foreign prisons smuggled over here in +barrel-organs and ground out in our streets, ruining the digestion of +our working men?' That is a question which hardly seems to need reply +from a patriotic Englishman. But I will say—and you observe I say it +emphatically—No. (<i>Loud cheering.</i>) 'Are you in favour of a Second +Chamber, or do you go the length of Tenification?' That is a very nice +question. It shows how deeply and intelligently the men of Barkshire +study the questions of the day. It is not a matter on which I, for one, +care to dogmatize; I will therefore content myself with saying, that +between two and ten we might find the happy medium. (<i>More cheering, +the audience rising to their feet, waving hats and handkerchiefs.</i>) +Now, gentlemen, that's all the questions I have, and I hope you'll +agree that I have answered them frankly. Ah! here's another one coming +up. (<i>A dirty piece of paper is passed from hand to hand till it +reached the hon. Member.</i>) 'Could you lend me five bob till Saturday +night?' (<i>Laughter, in which the hon. Member heartily joined.</i>) I +think, gentlemen, it is time we now proposed a vote of thanks to the +High Sheriff." (<i>This was carried unanimously, and the meeting broke +up. A torch-light procession conducted the popular member to his family +seat, The Kennel, Barks.</i>)</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p class="ph4">A LITERARY TURN.</p> + +<p>There was a case in the Edinburgh Court of Session the other day, +which shows what is thought of authors north of the Tweed—and not by +publishers, either. A witness remarked of a "defender" that "he was of +a literary turn of mind, and he thought that spoiled him." Many persons +have had similar thoughts, but they have generally refrained from +uttering them quite so bluntly.</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Mistress <span class="smcap">Hathaway</span> rejoiced in a daughter christened <span class="smcap">Anne</span>,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Whose proceedings she regarded with concern;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Quoth she—"That <span class="smcap">Willum Shakspeare</span> as a son-in-law I ban.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Why? Because he has a literary turn."</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Growled Sir <span class="smcap">W-ll-m</span>, on perusal of a certain <i>Life of Pitt</i>—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"Well, we all unquestionably live and learn;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But, in spite of <span class="smcap">Dizzy's</span> precedent, I don't believe one bit</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">In a Premier with a literary turn."</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Said <span class="smcap">W-ls-l-y</span>, when a recent work he blankly had surveyed—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"To answer this biography I yearn.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">What an admirable soldier <span class="smcap">H-ml-y</span> might, perhaps, have made,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">If he had not had a literary turn!"</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Just on the Cards.</span>"—Herr <span class="smcap">Iff's</span> orchestra. In how +uncertain a state of mind would a telegram from Herr <span class="smcap">Iff</span> leave +the giver of the entertainment who, having requested wire informing +him whether Herr <span class="smcap">Iff</span> and his band could come, should receive +this reply: "<i>If can come will be there at hour stated.</i>" This supposes +that some well-informed, grammatical, telegraphic young lady-clerk has +corrected the spelling of "<span class="smcap">Iff</span>." <i>À propos</i> of <span class="smcap">Iff</span>, a +complete entertainment would be a recital by the Veteran <span class="smcap">Howe</span> +of <span class="smcap">Watts'</span> poems, accompanied by <span class="smcap">Iff's</span> band; and a +reading from <i>Le Château d'If</i>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Intelligible, but not Clear.</span>—"I think," said Mrs. R.'s +married niece, "that good singing is quite wasted on an ordinary +evening party. Now I remember an evening when <span class="smcap">Santley</span> sang in +a crowded drawing-room at our house, and <i>a pin might have dropped!</i>"</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Decision. The Dr. G. Testimonial.</span>—The <i>D. T.</i> is a good +judge of popular sentiment, and, attired as a Judge, is <i>D. T. ermined</i> +that '95 shall be remembered as "<i>the</i> Year of <span class="smcap">Grace</span>."</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +109, July 20, 1895, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 44673-h.htm or 44673-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/6/7/44673/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at + www.gutenberg.org/license. + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809 +North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email +contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the +Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/025.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/025.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2aa5f4d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/025.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/025full.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/025full.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9ce0f2e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/025full.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/026.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/026.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1ef71b6 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/026.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/026full.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/026full.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f2b8d77 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/026full.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/027.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/027.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3a08982 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/027.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/027full.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/027full.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..de43bb2 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/027full.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/028.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/028.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..781b4f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/028.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/028full.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/028full.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2cba9ac --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/028full.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/029.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/029.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2a23d66 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/029.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/029full.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/029full.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..32ef523 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/029full.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/030.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/030.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7fcee7f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/030.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/030full.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/030full.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7973a51 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/030full.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/031.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/031.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e4b5a4f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/031.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/031full.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/031full.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c95d3d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/031full.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/033.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/033.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dd7961e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/033.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/033full.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/033full.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..235c379 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/033full.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/034.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/034.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a7958dd --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/034.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/034full.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/034full.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a36b2c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/034full.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/035.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/035.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9403ab5 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/035.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/035b.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/035b.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..877b4f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/035b.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/035bfull.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/035bfull.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4f5d729 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/035bfull.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/035c.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/035c.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..692aaff --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/035c.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/035cfull.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/035cfull.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4f4b4e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/035cfull.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/035full.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/035full.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..abfaebf --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/035full.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/036.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/036.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cadf020 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/036.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/036full.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/036full.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8ee1834 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/036full.jpg diff --git a/old/44673-h/images/cover.jpg b/old/44673-h/images/cover.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9e89366 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673-h/images/cover.jpg diff --git a/old/44673.txt b/old/44673.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7630fd5 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1672 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, +July 20, 1895, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, July 20, 1895 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: January 15, 2014 [EBook #44673] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 109. + +JULY 20, 1895. + + + + +TO A LADY HUMORIST. + + Your laugh would chase away the blues, + Your smile is always sunny, + One must be gay--who could refuse? + Your "mission" is just to amuse; + Discarding all blue-stocking views, + You fancy what is funny. + + You have no fads on Man's Descent + From something quite atomic, + On Diet, Disestablishment, + On Dress, Diminishing of Rent, + Divorce or Dockyard Discontent-- + You seek for something comic. + + You wear no hygienic shoe, + Your dress is never frightful, + Your sense of humour makes you too + Alive to what you should not do, + You laugh at folks, not they at you, + You write what's quite delightful. + + So laugh, and always make us gay; + Stern women are alarming, + The boldest men, I need not say, + Are simply scared by such as they, + You do not bore us, anyway. + Your conversation's charming. + + * * * * * + +_Unmetrical Adaptation of Robbie Burns' celebrated Line to the "New +Woman," whether in male attire on or off Bicycle, in her Club, driving +her trap, &c., &c._--"A woman's a woman for a' that." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SPORTING EVENT--A RECORD. + +SHE WON THE SWEEP!] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Of Mr. ATHOL MAYHEW'S _History of Punch_ the Baron can +at present say nothing, no copy of this work having as yet been +brought to Our Booking Office, and without a ticket-of-leave, or +ticket-for-leaves, granted by _Mr. Punch_ himself, per the Baron de +B.-W., the book of MAHU ("MODO he is called and +MAHU," as SHIRLEY BROOKS used to quote from _King +Lear_) will not have received _the_ "imprimatur." Already it appears, +as we read in a letter from Mr. HENRY SPIELMANN (who, if any +man living knows anything about _Mr. Punch's_ history, is the Punchian +Biographer and Historian _par excellence_ and "by appointment") to the +_Daily Chronicle_, Friday, July 12, that in Mr. MAYHEW'S book +there are numerous errors on important matters. "_Mayhew-manum est +errare._" But "Herr VON SPIELMANN will put him right in his +forthcoming book," says + + THE JUDICIOUS + BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +COVENT GARDEN OPERA PROVERB.--"When in doubt play _Faust_." + + * * * * * + +"HAPPY THOUGHT!" (_Apropos of a recent case in the Marylebone +Police Court_).--What a good title for an old-fashioned pantomime in +the East End (where _the_ real pantomimes used to be): "_Harlequin and +the Mysterious Manx Mannikins; or, Snapshot and the Demon Camera!_" + + * * * * * + +BRIGGS, OF BALLIOL. + +PART II. + +Two years passed, and never a syllable could I learn of +BRIGGS. Then I met TROTTER of Trinity at Piccadilly +Circus. "By the way," said he, "I suppose you have heard about poor +old BRIGGS?" "No!" I cried. "What of him?" "Oh, I thought you +would be sure to know, or I would have broken it to you more gently." +"Why?" I asked, with apprehension. "Has anything happened to him?" +"Well," he replied, with some hesitation, "I--er--I hardly like to tell +you. You were such a friend of his." "You don't mean to say that he +is----?" "Dead? No, poor fellow, not dead exactly, but worse than that, +I fear. He has become a New Man, you see." I looked at TROTTER +in bewilderment. "Why, you see, he is married--yes, he married the +O'GRESS, you know. Poor BRIGGS! I saw him yesterday, +and, upon my word, I should scarcely have known him. But go and see him +yourself; you will never believe my story." + +TROTTER wrote me the address on a card, and the next day +I called. The maid looked somewhat surprised when I asked for Mr. +BRIGGS. He was at home, oh, yes, he was at home, but she +didn't know whether he could see me or not, as he was feeding the +baby. This announcement rather staggered me, but I pulled myself +together sufficiently to assure her that I was an old friend of Mr. +BRIGGS; and, on learning this, she asked me to walk upstairs. +"This is the nursery," she said, when we had reached the topmost +storey. "You will find Mr. BRIGGS inside." + +I opened the door, and what a scene greeted me! There was +BRIGGS, my old friend BRIGGS, the gallant +BRIGGS of Balliol, rocking ceaselessly to and fro the while +he crooned in a low monotone to a bundle of pins and flannel that +lay cradled in his arms. I sprang forward to grip him by the hand. +He laid his finger on his lips, and in an agonised whisper murmured, +"Sh!--You'll wake the baby!" I controlled myself, and sank into a +chair, to which he motioned me. BRIGGS hushed the infant +anxiously for a minute or two until it was well asleep; then he turned +to me, and with a sickly smile whispered, "I'm glad to see you, +ROBINSON, but please talk very gently, for fear of waking the +Cutsababoo." + +It grieved me to hear poor BRIGGS talk in this fashion, but +there were a thousand questions I was burning to ask him. + +"Oh, BRIGGS, why did you leave Balliol so suddenly?" "Sh!" +he answered, looking nervously round him. "_She_ took me away." "And +why did you never write to anyone?" "Sh! _She_ forbade me." "Forbade +you?" "Yes, yes, indeed. Oh, ROBINSON, you do not know my +wife!" I was inwardly thanking my stars that I had not this honour when +BRIGGS, overcome with his emotion, suddenly flung up his arms +and covered his face with his hands. The action upset the equilibrium +of the baby, which rolled off his lap, fell on the floor, and awoke +with a scream. With a cry of dismay BRIGGS caught up the +bundle, and tossed it violently up and down, addressing it the while in +such intelligible terms as these--"And did it wake its darling ducky +Cutsababoo, it did! It was a naughty cruel Dada, it was!" + +It would be hard to say which made the greater noise, BRIGGS +or the baby; but BRIGGS had the staying power, and after +a fight the baby gave it up. BRIGGS gazed at it as it lay +exhausted in his arms, then turning to me, he said, "I think the +Cutsababoo has done crying now, ROBINSON. Will you excuse me +if I sing him to by-byes?" In olden days BRIGGS had a glorious +baritone voice, and to hear him sing the Balliol Boating Song was a +musical treat. I therefore readily agreed to stay and listen. "The +Duckydoo is very particular," explained BRIGGS. "He will only +go to sleep to his own ickle tune, _The New Lullaby_." + + "Mummy has gone to the city, + Cutsaba--Cutsababoo! + But Mummy will think of her Pretty, + And buy him a little toy too. + Daddy will dandle the Darling, + And show him his beautiful toy. + Hushaby, Pet! Baby, don't fret! + Sleepery, Peepery Boy! + + "Mummy is making the money, + Cutsaba--Cutsababoo! + To buy a new bonnet for sonny, + A jacket for Daddykins too. + Daddy will dandle the Darling, + And show him his beautiful toy. + Hushaby, Pet! Baby, don't fret! + Sleepery, Peepery Boy!" + +BRIGGS had just reached the end of the second verse when his +keenly sensitive ear caught the sound of a latchkey turning in the +door. A look of terror crossed his face. "It's _she!_ It's _she!_" he +cried. "Oh, ROBINSON, if she finds you here! Oh, if you love +me, fly!" I needed no second bidding. With a hasty grip of the hand I +bade my friend farewell, and this is the last that has been seen of +BRIGGS of Balliol. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MODERN MAID OF ATHENS. + +_John Bull_ (_hesitatingly_). "MAID OF ATHENS, ERE WE +'PART'----" + +_Maid of Athens_ (_interrupting_). "THINK WHAT YOU OWE TO ATTIC +ART?." + +[ the invitation of H.R.H. the Prince of WALES, a large +meeting of these interested in the British School of Art at Athens was +held on July 9 in St. James's Palace. The Prince of WALES +said: "I sincerely hope we may soon hear that the School has been +placed in an assured position for ever."--_Times Report._]] + + * * * * * + +CUE FOR CANVASSERS. + +(_By a Cynic._) + +["In all the doubtful constituencies the result may be regarded as +depending largely upon the persuasion and argument brought to bear upon +individual electors."--_The Yorkshire Post._] + + Persuasion? Argument? Very nice names + For Radical Caucusites, Primrose Dames, + And other retailers of party riddles, + _Ex parte_ statements, and taradiddles! + Gregarious voters, of old bribes did you all; + Now argument deals with the "individual." + With the man--or his wife--you must seek occasion, + Canvasser clever, to try "persuasion." + To "argue" that BLOGGS is the likeliest chap + To pour prosperity into your lap; + To "persuade" the Missus that that MCQUIRK + Will deprive her "man" of his beer _and_ work! + Oh, sweet are the virtues, upon occasion, + Of moral (or even _im_moral) 'suasion! + When blankets run out and when money's all spent, + Then, then comes the value of "argument." + And if the "argument" takes the form + Of orders and jobs in a perfect storm; + And when "persuasion" the future gauges + A promise of liquor and higher wages; + Why, then the result is the same almost, + 'Twixt you and me, and the (_Yorkshire_) _Post!_ + + * * * * * + +A DALY SACRIFICE TO SHAKSPEARE.--Again, thanks to the +enterprise of Mr. AUGUSTIN DALY, one of SHAKSPEARE'S +comedies is rendered resplendent with appropriate accessories. _A +Midsummer Night's Dream_, furnished with new illustrations, and +sparingly curtailed by necessary "cuts," becomes more poetical than +ever. Miss ADA REHAN is a "dream" in herself, and Mr. +LEWIS, as an American playing in England, becomes "translated" +every evening to the complete satisfaction of an appreciating and +crowded audience. The play should run from Midsummer into Michaelmas. + + * * * * * + +A HENLEY BARCAROLLE. + +(_By a Parasyllabic Swain._) + + My lovylade, I peg and bray + That you will pun my joint to-day; + And we will, dreaming o'er the stodge, + In some remote lackwater bodge. + + We'll take a man JOE, bandoline, + And hick-cup, as we slop between + The bangled tanks--we'll sink and drip, + And strum the things on board our ship. + + List to my lovesick, mew, and come + Far from the giddy, higgling gum! + Relaying hearses, we will croon, + And through each glowering hide we'll _spoon!_ + + * * * * * + +Advertisement (_in "Standard"_).--"_Great Yarmouth. Small House. Close +Aquarium and sea. Servant left._" Who was there when "servant left"? +Also why "close Aquarium and sea"? Perhaps easy but unwise to close the +former, but quite impossible to shut up the latter. + + * * * * * + +"GOOD BIS"-LEY. "TELL THAT TO THE MARINES."--The United +Services Cup was adjudged to the Marines at Bisley. In this competition +the Marines were the best, "all told." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LABOUR OF LOVE! + +_Benevolent Lady_ (_who has with infinite trouble organised a Country +Excursion for some overworked London Dressmakers_). "THEN MIND +YOU'RE AT THE STATION AT NINE TO-MORROW, ELIZA. I DO HOPE IT WON'T +RAIN!" + +"_RINE_, MISS! I 'OWP NOT, TO BE SURE! THE COUNTRY'S BAD ENOUGH +WHEN IT'S _FOINE_, YN'T IT, MISS?"] + + * * * * * + +A SMOKING CHRISTIAN CONCERT.--In these smoking hot July days a +Smoking Mission seems a good notion. Yet the Baccy-nalian missionaries +may probably have to say, "We have pipe'd unto you, and you have not +responded," except as long as the supply held out. Will there be +distributed tracts entitled _A Bird's Eye View of Heaven_, _A Short Cut +to Truth_, _Returns to Virtue_, _What is Life?_--_A Mixture!_ + + * * * * * + +PROVERB A PROPOS OF LATEST NEW WALTZ, "KING GRETCHEN."--"It's +the last STRAUSS that breaks the record." + + * * * * * + +BAWBEES ACROSS THE BORDER.--The _Dundee Advertiser_ has +recently published a table showing the distribution of Ministerial +salaries amongst Peers, Liberal Unionists, and Scotchmen. According +to our canny contemporary, "Scotland fares badly in the new +Administration." The reason for this lament is found in the fact +that the share of Caledonia--"the spoil is taken chiefly by the Clan +Balfour," remarks the _D. A._--amounts only to L12,425. And yet this +sum represents the "banging" of a good many "saxpences." North Britain +is unreasonable! + + * * * * * + +WASTING HER SWEETNESS. + +(_An Electioneering Study._) + + ARGUMENT.--Mrs. HORACE HONEYBALL, wife of the + Liberal Candidate for a Metropolitan Working-class Constituency, has + undertaken in her husband's interests a house-to-house canvass in + Bodgers' Buildings. + +_Mrs. H. H._ (_to herself, as she threads her way through a grove +of drying linen_). "I do _wish_ they would hang out their washing +somewhere else--it's absolute ruin to one's hat! What a depressing +place--but then they're all the more likely to be on our side. Have +I got my canvassing cards and the bundle of leaflets? Yes--then I'd +better begin.... How do you _do_, Mr. DOLLOP?... No, _please_ +don't move--I see I've come upon you all at your tea. So refreshing +on a warm afternoon like this!... No, not any for me, thanks, I never +touch it--and besides, I had some before I came out, you know.... +Oh, never mind about wiping a chair for me, Mrs. DOLLOP.... +Yes, _quite_ comfortable, I assure you. What a delightful home you +have, with all those charming coloured pictures on the wall, and so +_beautifully_ clean, too!... Ah, if you only knew the trouble and worry +of a great house and a whole tribe of servants.... But you mustn't +say that; _no_ one need despair of getting on nowadays, you know. And +this is your little boy and girl? such bright, intelligent little +faces. Jam _is_ so wholesome for them, isn't it?... HALBUT and +HALICE? Really! such pretty names _I_ always think; and both +beginning with--er--H.... Well, yes, _I have_ called on some particular +business. I daresay, now, Mr. DOLLOP, you're quite a +politician.... A plasterer? Now, _how_ delightful! Because I must tell +you that my husband.... No, I'm afraid _not_. You see, we've only just +had the whole house thoroughly done up. I was only going to say that my +husband has such a respect for plasterers as a class, you know. Haven't +I mentioned who he is? _How_ stupid of me! He's Mr. HONEYBALL, +the Radical Candidate for this place.... Yes, I've come about the +elections, of course. Oh, but you _ought_ to care; I'm sure you're far +too intelligent a man to be really indifferent who represents you in +Parliament! And my husband is so devoted to the working-classes; it's +been quite the aim of his life to do something for them. His motto is, +'Trust the People.'... Oh, _dear_ me, no--he's not a _shopkeeper_--he's +at the Bar.... Certainly _not_. He's in favour of doing away with +public-houses. He's a barrister--a _lawyer_, you know.... Ah, but +perhaps you haven't been fortunate in such lawyers as you've _met_.... +Well, but you wouldn't like the _Tories_ to get in, _would_ you?... But +they've _had_ their 'innings,' as you call it; they've been in a whole +fortnight--and what have they _done_?... And if the Liberal Government +is kept out, what will become of all the great reforms they've been +trying to give you?... Well, there's Home Rule, for _one_.... Surely +you're in favour of letting the Irish manage their own affairs?... No, +that's _such_ a mistake; they _won't_ want to manage ours--at least, +except Imperial matters--and why _shouldn't_ they?... All that can so +easily be settled afterwards.... Don't you call 'One man one vote' a +great reform?... Isn't it monstrous that some people should have five +or six votes, while you only have one?... It's foolish to say they're +'welcome to them,' like that, when they only use them to deprive you +of your rights.... Then there's Welsh Disestablishment.... Oh, if you +really can't see the immense importance of it, all I can say is, I'm +extremely sorry.... Yes, I'm going now, and I hope, before the election +day comes, you will have learnt to take a more enlightened----_Good_ +afternoon." + +"I'm so glad to have found you at home, Mr. BILGER. I'm +Mrs. HONEYBALL, and I want you to support my husband at the +election--he's standing as a Liberal, you know.... Oh, yes, I think +I can tell you his views on the Liquor Traffic. He's anxious to see +the curse of drinking thoroughly stamped out.... No, I'm sure you're +no friend to publicans--you look _far_ too respectable.... Yes, as you +say, they get rich on the earnings of the poor, and it's high time +they were done away with.... _Certainly_ you may ask me a question.... +No, of course my husband would not _dream_ of putting down Clubs: he +belongs to several himself.... Oh, you meant _Working-men's_ Clubs. You +belong to one yourself? So _sensible_ of you!--and of course there can +be no possible objection, so long as no intoxicating liquor----_Not_ +conducted on Teetotal principles? I'm afraid that _would_ make a +difference.... Why? Because, don't you _see_, if people can go and +join Clubs, and get drink there, there would be no use in closing the +public-houses, _would_ there? We must be _logical_.... No _doubt_ +intoxicating drinks are supplied in Clubs, but I don't see what _that_ +has to do with it.... My husband? No, he's not a total abstainer, but +still----... No, no; it's not a question of one law for the Rich and +another for the Poor at _all_. You don't quite _understand_.... If +you _really_ have heard enough, I'll go, of course.... Not at all. If +anything I've said has helped you in making up your mind, I'm only +too----Don't trouble to come to the door!" + +"Mrs. MANGLES, I think? Your husband _not_ at home, I +see. It doesn't matter--you will do _quite_ as well. I'm Mrs. +HONEYBALL.... Oh, you _have_ heard the name.... Seen my +husband's picture on the placards? Oh, you're not taking a liberty in +the very _least_. I shall be only too _delighted_ to give you one. He +_is_ rather nice-looking, isn't he? I'll tell you what I'll do--when +I get home, I'll send you one of his photographs to put on your +mantelpiece.... Oh, I _don't_ think I should have it coloured, if I +were you.... But his hair and moustache aren't _auburn_, and what _do_ +you want to put him in a red tunic for?... Really? The living image of +your first young man? He _will_ be flattered!... You've had several +since? I can quite believe _that_.... Well, if you will promise to get +your husband to give me his vote, perhaps----_Why_ should I have to go +to the--er--'Cimingtery' for it?... Last Christmas?--_dear_ me! I'm +very sorry I----Good-bye, Mrs. MANGLES; and--er--if I _do_ +find I have a photograph to spare----but the portrait of him on that +leaflet is really more _like_, you know!" + +[Illustration: "I _love_ the smell of tobacco!"] + +"No, don't put _down_ your pipe, Mr. GOWLES; I--I _love_ +the smell of tobacco!... You weren't _intending_ to--how friendly of +you!... I daresay you don't know who _I_ am?... Perhaps not, but you'll +let me _tell_ you, won't you?... I've come to ask you to vote for my +husband, Mr. HONEYBALL; he's not a _Tory_, you know, he's a +thorough-going Radical.... Not going to vote for either of them?--Now +_why_?... Oh, no, I'm _sure_ you're not--you're _much_ too pleasant +and gentlemanly to be a horrid Socialist!... You want everything done +away with? Well, the Liberals _are_ going to abolish a lot of things. +There's the House of Lords, for instance, you're against _them_, +I'm sure.... Not more than you are against the House of Commons? +Oh, but you don't _really_ want to destroy one of our most ancient +institutions!... Capitalists? oh, they're sharks and bloodsuckers and +landgrabbers and all that, I _quite_ agree with you there--only they're +all _Tories_, you know.... Why shouldn't you share in all the wealth +you're assisting to produce? Why are you to be robbed of the product +of your brain and hands?--I really don't know--it's very wrong, no +doubt--what _do_ you produce?... Oh, you're a bill-poster? I _see_. +Now don't get excited.... Your only hope is in the Gospel of Hate?... +Now _really_, such a _disagreeable_ thing to say!... If I could only +bring you to see that by voting for the Liberals----... I'm _not_ +a smooth-tongued humbug, and it's extremely rude of you to call me +anything of the kind.... I never said you hadn't a perfect right to +vote as you pleased.... Very _well_, then, _keep_ your horrible vote, +I'm sure _I_ don't want it! (_To herself, as she departs._) I shall go +home. If I see any more of these people, I shall find I've turned into +a rabid Tory--and I'm sure HORACE wouldn't like that!" + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Monday_ memorable for MELBA. Never sang better than as +mad-as-a-hatter heroine of DONIZETTI'S _Lucia di Lammermoor_. +Three hearty, deafening, unanimous encores for the brilliant +fireworky Hanwellian vocalisation in LUCY'S (not "H. +W. LUCY'S," of the _D. N._, but Miss LUCIA'S) great +_de lunatico inquirendo_ scena. After encore, inevitable gigantic +basket of flowers handed up to triumphant cantatrice by Beaming +BEVIGNANI and talented assistants in orchestra. Conductor and +musicians ought not to be used as agents for delivery of bouquets to +_prime donne_. If somebody among audience wishes to publicly present +singer with floral testimonial, why not let that Somebody step forward +(as the person in church who would "forbid the banns" is invited to do) +and hand it to her himself on a stick? Or if he be in some other part +of the house, DULCISSIMUS DRURIOLANUS would himself introduce +him and his basket of flowers on to, and off, the stage. The encores +and the floral testimonial quite turned mad heroine's head. + +[Illustration: alve a la "'Ria."] + +That is, so turned it round again that she became quite sane and +chatted amicably with two or three of the leading chorus "up stage" +until it suddenly occurred to her that she must go mad again, which she +did at once, most effectively. After this "_Fra poco_," the swan-like +(if swan a tenor) death-song of _Edgardo_, cannot go for its value +unless sung by a most popular and highly-gifted tenor. So it stands +to the credit of Signor DASH-MY-VIGNAS that, in this, he was +enthusiastically applauded, and soon after "laid him down and dee'd" +in the midst of an admiring and more-or-less sympathetic Chorus. +Great opera for Chorus giving expression to their feelings. How they +cry or laugh, and point and gesticulate and threaten and sympathise +as guests in low dresses without anything distinctively Scotch about +them, except in the case of one lady over whose shoulder I fancy I +detected a tartan scarf of clannish pattern. _Normanno_, played by, I +think, IGINIO CORSI (which name, in compliment to the national +Scotch liquor, ought to have been changed to "IWISKIO CORSI"), +bore remarkable resemblance to Markis o' SALISBURY. I do +not remember ever having seen or heard Lord SALISBURY as +a vocalist. To be remembered as _The_ MELBA Night of the +Season--up to now. + +_Wednesday._--CALVE as _Carmen_ simply perfect. That is +all I have to say; like the Raven (not _Barnaby Rudge's_, but +EDGAR A. POE'S), I announce "Only this, and Nothing More." +And ALVAREZ as _Jose_, "Gentleman JOE," who does +not drive, but is driven to madness, first-rate; in last scene, +struggle and assassination most thrilling, dramatically: even +stall-by-the-season'd opera-goers holding breath, and clutching at +backs of seats. Audience, ordinarily indifferent to fate of heroine +in last act, wait till bitter end. They only quit when quite sure +_Carmen_ cannot possibly sing any more. Madame MELBA, +who, "_by request of the Management_"--how modestly is this put, +O DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS!--"_has kindly consented to play +Michaela_," exceeded the terms of her amiable contract, as she not only +"played" _Michaela_, but sang the music superbly, her singing being +faultless, which her "playing" was not. Mossoo ALBERS rather +out of it as _Escamillo_, and _Toreador_ was not an Encoreador, whereat +_Toreador non contento_. All the principals sang in French, "knowing +the language," but clever Chorus stuck to Italian. _Benissimo!_ +BEVIGNANI beaming, and beating time. House crowded; elections +and political parties disturb not the harmony of Covent Garden. Yet +"last week but one" announced, and end in view. WAGSTAFF, +seeing CALVE in first act with scarf or belt round waist, +suggests riddle, "Why is CALVE a perfect _Carmen?_" Before +you can break away from him, without damage to your button-hole, +he answers, "Because she plays the part with _a-band-on_." _Exit_ +WAGSTAFF. + +_Friday._--_Pagliacci._--A new _Nedda_ in Mlle. ZELIE DE +LUSSAN. _Nedda_ is rather a Loose'un, and Mlle. ZELIE +is as good a _Nedda_ as you can get "when t'other dear charmer's +away." Then to follow, CALVE in _Calve-'lleria Rusticana_ +admirably dramatic. Can't believe this Magdalenish saint-like woman can +possibly be that deuce of a young woman, _Carmen_, of t'other night. +But "_F[oe]mina varium et mutabile_ (also _cantabile_) _semper_." All +the others good as ever, specially GIULIA RAVOGLI, as the gay +_Lo-la-li-ety_. + + * * * * * + +SCRAPS FROM CHAPS. + +The hedgehog is sometimes accused of helping himself to a drink from +a recumbent cow, but his larger relative, the domestic pig, is to be +even still more commended for his enterprise. According to the _Western +Daily Mercury_, in a farmyard in the parish of Uffculme a pig was +observed to rear on his hind legs and suck milk from a cow. This sight +must have enormously impressed the spectator. But it ought to have been +a dog. + + * * * * * + +Surely a Radical Unionist is a new departure in politics. Mr. +STRAUSS, who is opposing Mr. CONYBEARE, M.P. for +the Camborne division of Cornwall, in reply to a question at Cusgarne +said that he was a Radical Unionist, but the name Liberal was good +enough for him. Mr. STRAUSS is to be congratulated on his +new political "Doctrinen"; but, if he should succeed in defeating Mr. +CONYBEARE, he seems likely to lead the Whips a pretty dance. + + * * * * * + +It seems a little hard on a Parliamentary candidate when he is +seriously misrepresented by his own friends. This is what Mr. +MICHAEL WILLIAMS has suffered in the St. Austell division of +Cornwall at the hands of his friend Canon BUSH. With every +intention of doing Mr. WILLIAMS a good turn, the worthy Canon +fired off a letter in the local press containing a serious misquotation +of a speech said to have been made by Mr. WILLIAMS about the +false doctrines of the Nonconformists. The explosion of this shell in +the Nonconformist camp has not improved Mr. WILLIAMS'S chance +of success, and he probably believes in the truth of the old saying, +that "Good wine needs no Bush." + + * * * * * + +A PULL ALL TOGETHER.--What our forefathers would have called +"seeking an explanation from one's representative," is now, in these +days of political slang, known as "pulling your member's leg!" Witness +what happened in West Fife: + + "Mr. WEMYSS said, that if they returned him they would have + the advantage of being able to run down to WEMYSS when he did + anything wrong and pull his leg at the cost of a sixpence in train + money, whereas, if they wanted to pull Mr. BIRRELL over the + coals, it would cost them L3 to go to London." + +The electors would certainly seem to "have the pull" by Mr. +WEMYSS'S proximity; but why didn't some heckler retort by +saying that in pulling a candidate's leg voters must be careful not to +get hold of a calf? + + * * * * * + +SLOW TRAINING.--The Cork County National Teachers' Association +has passed a resolution that "for the sixth class" the geography of +the British Isles is enough, and "that the British Colonies be held +over till the examination in the second year." But how will the British +Colonies like being held over? And is not Ireland itself going to be +a self-governing British Colony--some day? But that idea, too, seems +"held over" for the present. The National Teachers, however, are true +Nationalists, because they also resolved that "Professors of Irish +should be appointed in all the Training Colleges." If females, they +will be expected to wear the Celtic fringe, of course. + + * * * * * + +READY AND WILLING (_in the Cornell-Leander Fiasco_).--One crew +wasn't "ready," but the starter was "WILLAN"--like _Barkis_. +The Cornell crew was ready and willin'. So they had the starter with +them at all events; and, they started. Angry partisans described the +proceeding as "Willanous." So it was,--from one point of view. + + * * * * * + +ELECTION PARADOXES.--Standing for a seat, and running against +a sitting Member. + + * * * * * + +THE GENERAL ELECTION CRY.--"Take your seats, Gentlemen!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY. + +_The Professor_ (_who has just come back from the North Pole_). +"----AND THE FAUNA OF THESE INHOSPITABLE REGIONS IS AS POOR AS THE +FLORA! YOU COULDN'T NAME A DOZEN ANIMALS WHO MANAGE TO LIVE THERE." + +_Mrs. Malapert._ "OH--I DARE SAY I COULD!" + +_The Professor._ "REALLY--WHAT _ARE_ THEY?" + +_Mrs. Malapert._ "WELL, NOW--FIVE POLAR BEARS, LET US SAY, AND--AND +SEVEN SEALS!"] + + * * * * * + +IL "TRUE BLUE" INGLESE. + +_All' illustrissimo Signor Punch._ + +ILLUSTRIOUSEST SIR,--I feel myself in duty of to write to +her these few lines for to tell to her the my opinion of the of her +country. Ah, the beautiful England! One speaks in Italy of the _cielo +inglese_, when the sky is grey and overcast. For the first time I come +now in the my ship to the of her country. _Ecco_, the sky is blue! In +the our country so many things are blue--the sky, the sea, the lakes, +the distant mountains, but in the our language not there is the word +"blue." One says "azure" or "turquoise," but not the general term +"blue." Therefore before I come to England I think, "We Italians see +the colour blue, but not can say it, and these english have the word, +but see never the colour." And _ecco_ I arrive, and the sky is blue! +Not it is the blue of Napoli, not it is the blue of Geneva, and perhaps +it is to-day only, but _veramente_ it is blue. It is much curious. + +Also I have found other things blue. Some time the sea is pale blue. +Some time the milk is pale blue. And one english says to me, "The +sea was rough and the wind blue," but this not can I understand. The +his friends say he likes chaff. _Diavolo_, what taste! But perhaps +the chaff is much helpful for the digestion, like the english brown +bread, which some brave men eat. The his friends say also, "He chaffs +till all is blue." Perhaps when one eats the chaff the eyesight is +altered. It is much curious. There are other things blue in England. +There are "the blues." One my friend says to me that this phrase is the +french _ennui_. Then I have not it seen yet, for it is always _festa_ +since our arrival. I have heard that the blues are at Oxford and at +Cambridge, above all at the College of Girton. But the evening past +I saw the blue the most beautiful. Ah, the exquisite eyes! Ah, _la +bellissima signorina inglese!_ so graceful, so courteous, so beautiful! +And the her eyes were blue, so blue! Never have I seen a colour so +sweet. The sea at Napoli, the sky at Palermo, the lake at Bellagio--it +seems to me that they are grey and ugly when I think to the her eyes. + +Ah, Signor _Punch_, Her is a man, Her can love, Her, I know it, admires +the beauty of the women! So to her I tell that those blue eyes have hit +the heart of the italian. Not in Italy, but in England, one sees the +blue the most divine. + +Her I beg to accept the my compliments and I have the honour to say +myself. + + Her Devotedest Servant, + + ANDREA DORIA DANDOLO VESPUCCI-COLOMBO. + + * * * * * + +ORDER! ORDER! + + ["Colonel NORTH bases his appeal for support on the plea that + he will see to it that West Leeds gets its full share of whatever work + may be going."--_Leeds Mercury._] + + O "dark and true and tender is the NORTH!" + And wondrous service to West Leeds he'll render; + _He_'ll see, when Government work is going forth, + West Leeds shall have its chance--at least to tender. + "Orders are heaven's first law." That is the kernel + Of the "dear Colonel's" creed; and it contents + Those who to Governments raise the cry eternal + Of "Give your orders, Gents!" + + * * * * * + +ECHOES FROM THE POLLS. + +Elected am I? Well, I am really much obliged. + +Oh, certainly, shall be truly delighted to do anything in my power. + +Fancy in these hard times that it is a little difficult to increase a +subscription list. + +Only too pleased, but must be rather careful not to infringe the +Bribery Acts. + +Truly intend to live up to my opinions. Would not alter them for worlds. + +Cannot recall everything I said during the heat of the election, and +probably was imperfectly reported. + +Do not claim any more liberty of action than to obey the dictates of my +conscience. + +Afraid cannot adequately represent every phase of political opinion. + +Will give as much satisfaction in Westminster as practicable. + +Party arguments are rather superfluous after the contest, and therefore +have to be avoided. + +Sorry cannot stay longer in the Division itself, as my presence is +required within the precincts of St. Stephen's. + +Would have the greatest pleasure in life to discuss all these matters +of controversy at another time. + +Sorry cannot give exact date, but why not say just before the next +General Election? + + * * * * * + +MEMORABLE.--Wednesday, July 10th. Evening Fete at Botanical +Gardens. _No Rain!!_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OLD WARDER WILLIAM. + +THE VETERAN (_loquitur_). "DEAR ME! WHAT _HAS_ BECOME OF +HARCOURT?"] + + * * * * * + +EX-HON. PRIVATE A. BRIEFLESS, JUN., ON THE I. O. C. R. V. C. AT BISLEY. + +It is scarcely necessary to say that during the sitting of the Courts I +have little time for what may be termed recreation. So when I visited +Bisley on the occasion of the competition for the Ashburnham Shield, +it was in a semi-military and semi-forensic capacity. It was no doubt +pleasing to see one's schoolfellows of a later generation maintaining +the _prestige_ of a common _Alma Mater_; but the chief attraction in +my eyes of the successor to Wimbledon was the presence under canvas of +much that is left of the "Devil's Own." And here let me pause for a +moment to discuss the traditional derivation of the alternative title +of the Inns of Court Rifle Volunteer Corps. I believe His late Majesty +King WILLIAM THE FOURTH (of marine memory) is usually believed +to have been the first to call his lawyer warriors by the name that, +to certain minds, has had since an unsympathetic significance. I am +of opinion that the Sailor Sovereign merely confirmed a title that +had already been obtained by usage. It is more than possible that the +initial supporters of the I. O. C. R. V. C. were counsel seldom holding +briefs of their own, but frequently appearing as "learned" but absent +"friends." It is needless to hint to the Bench and Bar that I refer to +"devils." If my assumption is correct, then indeed would the Battalion +be justly known to fame as "the Devil's Own." + +[Illustration: The Skeleton of a Regiment.] + +I wish I could deny the reports that have found their way into the +papers that the I. O. C. R. V. C. is less prosperous than it was of +yore. Personally, I have it on my conscience that I have not for many +years appeared on parade. To the best of my belief I have only once +joined the ranks. The occasion was a prize distribution in Lincoln's +Inn Hall. As an honorary member I was posted in the front rank of "A" +Company. Then came the perplexing command, "Fours right," which, so +far as I was concerned, ended in disaster. A little later I retired +from all active military service, and have remained in retreat ever +since. Still, at the sound of the bugle my pulse quickens, and I +feel that had I chosen the Tented Field instead of the Forum for the +exercise of my professional duties my career would not have suffered +in prosperity from the alteration. In fact, I believe that with the +conditions changed I should have had just as good a chance of becoming +Commander-in-Chief as Lord Chancellor. But these are regrets that are +out of place in the columns of a periodical that guards the interests +of the universe in general, while fostering the loftiest aspirations of +the legal profession in particular. So I cast them aside as unworthy +the attention of a counsel, a soldier, and a gentleman. + +Let me return to the I. O. C. R. V. C. at Bisley. I found "those of the +faithful who have been true to their trust" defending themselves--there +was no trace of defiance in the action--from the fierce fire of the +noonday sun by wearing straw hats and sporting flannels. It was a +pretty picture, that made by the martial lawyers at their mid-day +parade. The tents, the tubs, the kitchen utensils, and last, but not +least, the mess-house, with its dining saloon and ante-room. Alas, that +the stability of the latter should be inappropriate! Alas, that the +corps, once the pride of the Volunteer Service, should be reduced to +four companies, and (so I believe) have lost its adjutant! Ichabod! How +the mighty have fallen! + +As I watched the sad and yet impressive tableau old memories flocked +upon me. Where was the private who caricatured his Colonel, and showed +how a shako could be combined with a horse-hair wig, and yet look +military and forensic? Where was the lance corporal who invariably +confirmed his captain's commands with an "as your Lordship pleases?" +Where was the rear-rank wag who, on being told to charge, said he "must +leave that sort of thing to his clerk, who kept his fee-book?" Where +was the vocalist who would sing the songs of J. L. MOLLOY, +Barrister-at-Law, and knew the ins and outs of "The Maske of Flowers?" +All of them gone, and their places scarcely filled by new comers! +And, as I gazed upon an energetic private of the I. O. C. R. V. C., +apparently preparing to meet the demands of an expected detachment of +hungry lunchers, I wondered whether anything could be done to revive +the fortunes of the Grand Old Battalion. Could the hours of leisure of +the warriors be occupied by regimental trips down the river, regimental +drags to the races, regimental dinners to one another, regimental +visits to the play, regimental strolls in the Row, regimental bicycles +in Battersea Park? I fancy something of this kind has already been +suggested. Then, if Barristers do not flock in sufficient numbers to +the banners of the Lamb, the Horse, and the Griffin, why not throw +open the ranks to wealthy persons--so to speak--fond of the leaders +of litigation? Again I imagine some such plan has already been under +consideration. + +And, as I thought the matter over, I became gloomier and gloomier. So +sad was I that I had to visit the adjacent cemetery, to revive, under +the modified merriment of the place, into comparative cheerfulness. The +mere recollection of the I. O. C. R. V. C. unmans me. It is better that +I should pause, for I can write no more. + + _Pump Handle Court, July 12, 1895._ + + A. BRIEFLESS, JUN. + + * * * * * + +THE CRY OF THE COUNTER. + +(_By a Shopkeeper who had hoped better things of the Season._) + + Great Scott! Sold again! It's all up with the Season, + Though Summer _is_ Summer, and Goodwood's not gone! + We Shopkeepers hoped for good luck, and with reason, + For things did look bright. But once more we are done; + Done, clean as a whistle! A General Election! + Sprung on us, through BRODRICK, and cordite, and stuff! + A plague on both parties, a curse on each section! + Your M.P.'s a mooncalf, a muddler, a muff! + + The weather was stunning; Death had not been busy + With Royalties--bless 'em!--and London was full; + And though of course ROSEBERY is not a DIZZY, + He _did_ win the Derby, which gave him some pull. + The Parties kept wrangling,--but nobody bothered; + They didn't make progress,--but none of us cared; + Though LABBY played tricks, or SILOM o pothered, + We stuck to our counters, unshocked and unscared. + + And now, betwixt grass-time and harvest, the duffers + Fight over sheer fudge and kick over the show. + And so once again the poor Shopkeeper suffers. + A murrain on HARCOURT, a plague upon JOE! + For policy BALFOUR sets forth "Dissolution," + And thinks he has scored. Had I temper, and breath, + _And_ his ear, I could smash up his smart elocution, + _His_ game's Dissolution,--to us it means death. + + The fat's in the fire, and the spark's in the powder, + We're in for a long spell of wigs on the green. + Our clients will scatter, and louder and louder + Will swell the fool-chorus of partisan spleen. + Sir BOTTLEBY SNIPE must be off beyond Humber, + And sweet Lady SPENDWELL goes Primrosing, south, + And I, poor shopkeeper, may just as well slumber, + With rage in my heart and my thumb in my mouth. + + Oh, slaves of the shop, from Pall Mall to far Peckham, + Say, is it not time that _you_ rose and rebelled? + The parties just play with us. Can we not check 'em? + By Jove, if one chorus of shopdom but swelled, + Like the working man's howl, on those Westminster wobblers, + The sweet little game they all play it might stop. + For Socialist dockers and Radical cobblers + They've ears; but they're deaf to the Cry of the Shop. + + The rents, rates and taxes pile higher and higher, + The Stores undersell us--and cop ready cash! + The Hebrew monopolist, fiercer and slyer + Than tiger-cat, schemeth to send us to smash. + The landlord rack-rents us, and then pops the profit + He draws out of us into syndicate Stores! + I tell you the shopkeeper's life is a Tophet, + M.P.'s play at "Progress," and _we_ pay all scores. + + And then they ask me for my vote!!! Why, what guerdon + Have I for my votings these twenty years past? + Continual addition to back-breaking burden! + I say the last straw has been laid on, at last; + At least upon this individual camel. + To forward true Progress I don't think I'm loth, + But sick of prolonged Party trick, trap, and trammel, + If I had my wish, I would--_vote against both!_ + + * * * * * + +THE MODERN IXION.--This mythological character finds his +present representative in a shareholder Bound to the Great Wheel at +Earl's Court. However, Ixion and his wheel went on for ever! In which +case Modern Ixion ought to be an exceptionally lucky person. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I SAY, OLD MAN, WHAT'S THAT AWFUL ROW GOING ON NEXT +DOOR?" + +"OH, THAT'S THE OMPHALE CLUB. THE LADIES ARE HAVING THEIR FIRST +WHIST PARTY OF THE SEASON!"] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW NORRIBLE TALE. + +(_From a Philistinish Point of View._) + +AIR--"_The Norrible Tale._" + + 'Tis a norrible tale I'm going to tell + Of the frightful fortunes which befel + A family who late resided + In the same suburban street that I did. + O it is a norrible tale! + 'Twould make a Maeterlinck turn pale, + With its frightful blend of the grim and glum, + Of fiddle-de-dee, and fi-fo-fum! + + O they were a decent Philistine lot + Till they caught the contagion of "Tommy-Rot," + That kind of mental, malarial fever, + Which floors the foolish and foils the clever. + O it is a norrible tale, &c. + + This Influenza of the Soul + Haunted their house like some gruesome "troll." + (The family--which their name was GIBSON-- + Knew all about such from the works of IBSEN.) + + The father first felt the spell unholy, + And the man's demeanour grew truly "trolly." + He was--in Peckham--a Master Builder, + And he "carried on" with a drudge named 'TILDER. + + The slavey said it was truly thrilling, + But struck for another--weekly--shilling. + "She was ready to thrill till all was blue, + But it _must_ be reckenised in her 'screw!'" + + His wife declared he was most inhuman, + And, for her part, she should turn New Woman! + So she grew--to him--an emotional icicle, + And mounted knickers, and rode a bicycle. + + The eldest son, an athletic young fellow, + Who had gained his "Blue," took at once to Yellow. + "Muscle," he said, in a tone despotic, + "Is beastly vulgaw; good form's Neurotic!" + + The youngest daughter, a blue-eyed fairy-- + (Her pies were prime, and her name was MARY--) + Now took to cricket, and cigarette-smoking, + And manly manners in togs--and joking. + + The eldest one, of a statelier carriage, + Conceived quaint notions about "Group-marriage:" + "Since man's a satyr, and brings satiety, + The only virtue is--in _variety!_" + + Another girl took to writing novels + On dirt in "dosses," and vice in hovels; + Varying the same with Kiplingy verses, + With ingenious rhymes to street-slang and curses. + + The youngest boy, who was "only a nipper," + Contributed "Art" to the "Sixpenny Snipper," + Which his sisters said was "supremely delicious, + As a blend of the infantile and vicious." + + * * * * * + + The father died of his drudge and drink, + The wife broke her back at a skating rink; + And as to the slavey, whose name was 'TILDER, + She "thrilled"--on street-preaching and rum--till they killed her. + + The eldest son read NORDAU and LOMBROSO, + Till his brain went shaky--'twas always so-so-- + He imagines himself a pot of mustard, + Of which egomaniacs are making a custard. + + The youngest daughter's an "Amazon Queen" + At the East-end Halls, and she's loud and lean; + The eldest--whose freedom all bonds would sully-- + Is tied to--and thrashed by--a pugilist bully. + + The writer of sensuous snippety novels, + In Grub Street gutters forlornly grovels; + The "Boy Genius of Gehenna," of the babbling boasters, + Turns a very poor penny by Stygian Posters! + O it _is_ a norrible tale! + And what do New Women and New Art avail? + Egomania-Tommyrotica is all a hum, + Half fiddle-de-dee, and half fi-fo-fum! + + * * * * * + +BANDS AND BOMBS.--How many Hungarian Bands are there about? +There's a "Real Blue Hungarian" (does this mean a "True Blue," good old +Tory, Band?)--there's an "Anglo-Hungarian," and a "White Hungarian." In +fact, Hungarian Band "with variations." The Real Hung'ry-an'-Thirsty +Bands are to be seen every night in the Feeding Places of the Indian +Exhibition, Earl's Court, where, specially within the bowers of the al +fresco Welcome Club, _can_ be served a very good dinner which _may_ be +bettered; and, if you are a Lucullus, you _comme gourmet_ will have to +Look-ullus-where for it. [N.B.--To get this jest well received give +the dinner yourself, and towards the middle of the feast try the jape. +They'll all laugh _en--mais apres?_] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AYE! BUT HOW?" + +_Squire_ (_in dog-cart_). "HERE! YOU FOOL! HOLD HIS HEAD!!"] + + * * * * * + +MISONEOGYNY. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--New Woman dead? Not a bit of it. Don't +believe she ever existed. Never met her anywhere myself, and never met +anybody who has. It's my belief there "ain't no sich person." Merely +an idea or an influence, don't you know; and you can't shake hands, go +into dinner, dance, or flirt with a poisonous influence, any more than +you can with a bad smell. Whatever she is, though, afraid she's driven +me into evil courses--rhymes. Here they are:-- + +[Illustration] + + Oh, where is that horrible modern monstrosity, + Where is the woman whom people call "New," + Who thinks, speaks, and acts with such utter atrocity, + Tell me, oh where are the "women who do"? + Half angry, half sad (upon grounds sentimental) man + Begs the New Woman to stoutly proclaim-- + "No longer a lady, and not yet a gentleman"-- + Where are the creatures who own to the name? + This monster has, surely, no lasting vitality, + Only existing in fancy and print; + It is just an unlovely abstract personality, + Coin from the end-of-the-century mint. + And, therefore, in physical prowess and mental, man + Owns her supremacy, calm and serene, + Because the New Woman is like the "Old Gentleman," + Heard of more often--thank heaven--than seen. + +Shouldn't worry if I were "Misoneogynist." New woman fad nearly played +out, only a black cloud floating across the blue sky of common sense. +Nice idea, isn't it? Till cloud rolls by shall remain, + + Yours cheerily, + + A. BACHELOR. + + * * * * * + +THE "BOGEY-LAND OF SCIENCE."--From the _Glasgow Herald_:-- + + "The fourth meeting of the eleventh session of the Andersonian + Naturalists Society was held at 204, George Street, Professor G. + BELL TODD, M.B., C.M., President, in the chair. After the minutes + of last meeting had been read, Mr. ARCHIBALD SHANKS exhibited + an Ichthyodorulite of Gyracanthus." + +Plucky of Mr. SHANKS, that! As the Gyracanthus is an animal +with both a fin and a spine, and it was captured in Ayr, it must be a +sort of flying shark. How on earth did Mr. SHANKS get it to +George Street? It ought to be called "By George Street!" in future. + + * * * * * + +"THE COLONEL'S" PARADOXICAL PURPOSE.--To convert West Leeds +into "NORTH Leads." + + * * * * * + +A TRUE SPORTSMAN'S TIP. + + At anti-gambling "spoil-sports," loudly + The "sportsmen" they would spoil are fretting. + Good friends, though you protest so proudly, + The _true_ spoil-sport is--Betting! + Although it suit the baser sort, + What's sport to them is death to Sport! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +"Piccadilly Sports" is a headline conjuring up pleasant visions +of races, and other jinks unconducive to the peace and comfort of +law-abiding citizens--only authorised race in Piccadilly, the "purblind +race of miserable men." Yet let no irate old gentleman storm the +columns of the _Times_ with a tirade against the police and County +Council on this account. Because there happens to be another Piccadilly +up north. _Hinc (Piccad) illi ludi._ We shall expect to be reading +shortly of "Holborn miners out on strike," "Heroic rescue by the Pall +Mall lifeboat," or "A serious affray with poachers at Paddington." + + * * * * * + +ELECTION INTELLIGENCE. + +TOBY ONCE MORE M.P. + +On Monday the Electors of Barkshire assembled in the great hall +of their county town to elect a Member to serve in the Fourteenth +Parliament of Queen VICTORIA. The High Sheriff presided. +Owing to the constitutional rule which forbids Peers to take part +in Parliamentary electoral proceedings, the Lord Lieutenant of the +county was precluded from showing himself on the platform. It was said +that, indisposed to be entirely out of so interesting and popular +an event, his lordship was present disguised as a tide-waiter. Our +representative, however, did not observe in the throng any person in +nautical dress. + +[Illustration: "Carried unanimously."] + +The hall, which was crowded to its utmost capacity, was gaily decorated +with flags. Across the full length of the hall was suspended a banner +bearing the proud device "BARKS'S IS WILLIN'." + +Our esteemed ex-Member was accompanied on the platform by the principal +county gentry of all shades of political opinion. On taking his seat in +the front row of chairs, he was received with rounds of Kentish fire, +made in Barkshire. Having been proposed and seconded in eulogistic +terms, report of which he has expressed a desire we should suppress, +the High Sheriff inquired if any elector desired to propose another +candidate? + +"I should think not," said a burly Barkshire farmer, ominously grasping +a stout blackthorn. + +After this no one seemed disposed to move, and the High Sheriff +declared TOBY, M.P., duly elected. There were loud cries for +the Member, who, overcoming natural and usually insuperable diffidence, +got on his hind legs. + +"Brother electors," he said, "it is an old saying, 'What Barkshire +thinks to-day, England will do to-morrow.' Obviously some inaccuracy +underlies the aphorism, since whilst you have to-day thought me +worthy of being elected your Member, it's no use England coming +round to-morrow and asking me to represent it in the Commons House +of Parliament. This is the fourth time Barkshire has done me this +honour; and base indeed is the man--(_A Voice, 'Who pays'_)--who could +be insensible to such testimony of confidence and esteem. Brother +electors--(_A Voice, 'Who stole the Emperor William's uniform?' +Disturbance at the end of the hall. Another Voice, 'Chuck him out.'_) +No, electors of Barkshire, let him stay. If he is put outside, he +loses the opportunity of observing your behaviour, and learning how +gentlemen comport themselves when publicly assembled in discharge of +a solemn duty. (_Loud cheers. A Voice, 'That fetches 'em!'_) I was +about to observe, when our friend's feelings temporarily overcame him, +that since I entered the room I have had a number of questions handed +up to me. They are a little late, since I am no longer a candidate +but am duly elected. That, however unusual the case may be, makes no +difference. The first question is: 'Will you, if elected, see that +every man in Barkshire over fifty years of age has three acres of +the best land in the parish, with a cow for every adult child and a +calf a-piece for each infant in arms?' Certainly; I hope I may live +to see established those desirable conditions as between man and man. +(_Cheers._) Another esteemed friend asks: 'Do you understand Local Veto +to mean that a man may go into the public-house, take his noggin or +what not, and when asked to pay may refuse?' I could not if I tried put +my views on the situation more clearly. The Veto, as you all know, is +a Latin word meaning to _vete_, or, as we say in English, to refuse to +stump up. A public-house is, according to 19 Vict. c. 190, a locality. +Local Veto is, therefore, the inalienable right of the English citizen +as defined by my friend. (_Loud cheers._) 'Are you in favour of +Equalisation of the Rates?' To be frank with you, my idea of rates is +that they should be equalised to the extent that makes them absolutely +impalpable. (_'No, no.' 'Yes, yes.' Uproar under the gallery. Cries +of_ 'JUDAS!' _A free fight, during which a man was ejected, +omitting to take his coat with him._) Don't put him out; don't put +anyone out. If there's a renewal of the interruption, form a ring round +the man; then we will see where we are. Here's another question: 'Do +you approve of Ice Creams made in foreign prisons smuggled over here in +barrel-organs and ground out in our streets, ruining the digestion of +our working men?' That is a question which hardly seems to need reply +from a patriotic Englishman. But I will say--and you observe I say it +emphatically--No. (_Loud cheering._) 'Are you in favour of a Second +Chamber, or do you go the length of Tenification?' That is a very nice +question. It shows how deeply and intelligently the men of Barkshire +study the questions of the day. It is not a matter on which I, for one, +care to dogmatize; I will therefore content myself with saying, that +between two and ten we might find the happy medium. (_More cheering, +the audience rising to their feet, waving hats and handkerchiefs._) +Now, gentlemen, that's all the questions I have, and I hope you'll +agree that I have answered them frankly. Ah! here's another one coming +up. (_A dirty piece of paper is passed from hand to hand till it +reached the hon. Member._) 'Could you lend me five bob till Saturday +night?' (_Laughter, in which the hon. Member heartily joined._) I +think, gentlemen, it is time we now proposed a vote of thanks to the +High Sheriff." (_This was carried unanimously, and the meeting broke +up. A torch-light procession conducted the popular member to his family +seat, The Kennel, Barks._) + + * * * * * + +A LITERARY TURN. + +There was a case in the Edinburgh Court of Session the other day, +which shows what is thought of authors north of the Tweed--and not by +publishers, either. A witness remarked of a "defender" that "he was of +a literary turn of mind, and he thought that spoiled him." Many persons +have had similar thoughts, but they have generally refrained from +uttering them quite so bluntly. + + Mistress HATHAWAY rejoiced in a daughter christened ANNE, + Whose proceedings she regarded with concern; + Quoth she--"That WILLUM SHAKSPEARE as a son-in-law I ban. + Why? Because he has a literary turn." + + Growled Sir W-LL-M, on perusal of a certain _Life of Pitt_-- + "Well, we all unquestionably live and learn; + But, in spite of DIZZY'S precedent, I don't believe one bit + In a Premier with a literary turn." + + Said W-LS-L-Y, when a recent work he blankly had surveyed-- + "To answer this biography I yearn. + What an admirable soldier H-ML-Y might, perhaps, have made, + If he had not had a literary turn!" + + * * * * * + +"JUST ON THE CARDS."--Herr IFF'S orchestra. In how +uncertain a state of mind would a telegram from Herr IFF leave +the giver of the entertainment who, having requested wire informing +him whether Herr IFF and his band could come, should receive +this reply: "_If can come will be there at hour stated._" This supposes +that some well-informed, grammatical, telegraphic young lady-clerk has +corrected the spelling of "IFF." _A propos_ of IFF, a +complete entertainment would be a recital by the Veteran HOWE +of WATTS' poems, accompanied by IFF'S band; and a +reading from _Le Chateau d'If_. + + * * * * * + +INTELLIGIBLE, BUT NOT CLEAR.--"I think," said Mrs. R.'s +married niece, "that good singing is quite wasted on an ordinary +evening party. Now I remember an evening when SANTLEY sang in +a crowded drawing-room at our house, and _a pin might have dropped!_" + + * * * * * + +A DECISION. THE DR. G. TESTIMONIAL.--The _D. T._ is a good +judge of popular sentiment, and, attired as a Judge, is _D. T. ermined_ +that '95 shall be remembered as "_the_ Year of GRACE." + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +109, July 20, 1895, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 44673.txt or 44673.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/6/7/44673/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at + www.gutenberg.org/license. + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809 +North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email +contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the +Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + diff --git a/old/44673.zip b/old/44673.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9054dad --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44673.zip |
