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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109,
+July 20, 1895, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, July 20, 1895
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: January 15, 2014 [EBook #44673]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 109.
+
+JULY 20, 1895.
+
+
+
+
+TO A LADY HUMORIST.
+
+  Your laugh would chase away the blues,
+    Your smile is always sunny,
+  One must be gay--who could refuse?
+  Your "mission" is just to amuse;
+  Discarding all blue-stocking views,
+    You fancy what is funny.
+
+  You have no fads on Man's Descent
+    From something quite atomic,
+  On Diet, Disestablishment,
+  On Dress, Diminishing of Rent,
+  Divorce or Dockyard Discontent--
+    You seek for something comic.
+
+  You wear no hygienic shoe,
+    Your dress is never frightful,
+  Your sense of humour makes you too
+  Alive to what you should not do,
+  You laugh at folks, not they at you,
+    You write what's quite delightful.
+
+  So laugh, and always make us gay;
+    Stern women are alarming,
+  The boldest men, I need not say,
+  Are simply scared by such as they,
+  You do not bore us, anyway.
+    Your conversation's charming.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Unmetrical Adaptation of Robbie Burns' celebrated Line to the "New
+Woman," whether in male attire on or off Bicycle, in her Club, driving
+her trap, &c., &c._--"A woman's a woman for a' that."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SPORTING EVENT--A RECORD.
+
+SHE WON THE SWEEP!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+Of Mr. ATHOL MAYHEW'S _History of Punch_ the Baron can
+at present say nothing, no copy of this work having as yet been
+brought to Our Booking Office, and without a ticket-of-leave, or
+ticket-for-leaves, granted by _Mr. Punch_ himself, per the Baron de
+B.-W., the book of MAHU ("MODO he is called and
+MAHU," as SHIRLEY BROOKS used to quote from _King
+Lear_) will not have received _the_ "imprimatur." Already it appears,
+as we read in a letter from Mr. HENRY SPIELMANN (who, if any
+man living knows anything about _Mr. Punch's_ history, is the Punchian
+Biographer and Historian _par excellence_ and "by appointment") to the
+_Daily Chronicle_, Friday, July 12, that in Mr. MAYHEW'S book
+there are numerous errors on important matters. "_Mayhew-manum est
+errare._" But "Herr VON SPIELMANN will put him right in his
+forthcoming book," says
+
+  THE JUDICIOUS
+  BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COVENT GARDEN OPERA PROVERB.--"When in doubt play _Faust_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HAPPY THOUGHT!" (_Apropos of a recent case in the Marylebone
+Police Court_).--What a good title for an old-fashioned pantomime in
+the East End (where _the_ real pantomimes used to be): "_Harlequin and
+the Mysterious Manx Mannikins; or, Snapshot and the Demon Camera!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRIGGS, OF BALLIOL.
+
+PART II.
+
+Two years passed, and never a syllable could I learn of
+BRIGGS. Then I met TROTTER of Trinity at Piccadilly
+Circus. "By the way," said he, "I suppose you have heard about poor
+old BRIGGS?" "No!" I cried. "What of him?" "Oh, I thought you
+would be sure to know, or I would have broken it to you more gently."
+"Why?" I asked, with apprehension. "Has anything happened to him?"
+"Well," he replied, with some hesitation, "I--er--I hardly like to tell
+you. You were such a friend of his." "You don't mean to say that he
+is----?" "Dead? No, poor fellow, not dead exactly, but worse than that,
+I fear. He has become a New Man, you see." I looked at TROTTER
+in bewilderment. "Why, you see, he is married--yes, he married the
+O'GRESS, you know. Poor BRIGGS! I saw him yesterday,
+and, upon my word, I should scarcely have known him. But go and see him
+yourself; you will never believe my story."
+
+TROTTER wrote me the address on a card, and the next day
+I called. The maid looked somewhat surprised when I asked for Mr.
+BRIGGS. He was at home, oh, yes, he was at home, but she
+didn't know whether he could see me or not, as he was feeding the
+baby. This announcement rather staggered me, but I pulled myself
+together sufficiently to assure her that I was an old friend of Mr.
+BRIGGS; and, on learning this, she asked me to walk upstairs.
+"This is the nursery," she said, when we had reached the topmost
+storey. "You will find Mr. BRIGGS inside."
+
+I opened the door, and what a scene greeted me! There was
+BRIGGS, my old friend BRIGGS, the gallant
+BRIGGS of Balliol, rocking ceaselessly to and fro the while
+he crooned in a low monotone to a bundle of pins and flannel that
+lay cradled in his arms. I sprang forward to grip him by the hand.
+He laid his finger on his lips, and in an agonised whisper murmured,
+"Sh!--You'll wake the baby!" I controlled myself, and sank into a
+chair, to which he motioned me. BRIGGS hushed the infant
+anxiously for a minute or two until it was well asleep; then he turned
+to me, and with a sickly smile whispered, "I'm glad to see you,
+ROBINSON, but please talk very gently, for fear of waking the
+Cutsababoo."
+
+It grieved me to hear poor BRIGGS talk in this fashion, but
+there were a thousand questions I was burning to ask him.
+
+"Oh, BRIGGS, why did you leave Balliol so suddenly?" "Sh!"
+he answered, looking nervously round him. "_She_ took me away." "And
+why did you never write to anyone?" "Sh! _She_ forbade me." "Forbade
+you?" "Yes, yes, indeed. Oh, ROBINSON, you do not know my
+wife!" I was inwardly thanking my stars that I had not this honour when
+BRIGGS, overcome with his emotion, suddenly flung up his arms
+and covered his face with his hands. The action upset the equilibrium
+of the baby, which rolled off his lap, fell on the floor, and awoke
+with a scream. With a cry of dismay BRIGGS caught up the
+bundle, and tossed it violently up and down, addressing it the while in
+such intelligible terms as these--"And did it wake its darling ducky
+Cutsababoo, it did! It was a naughty cruel Dada, it was!"
+
+It would be hard to say which made the greater noise, BRIGGS
+or the baby; but BRIGGS had the staying power, and after
+a fight the baby gave it up. BRIGGS gazed at it as it lay
+exhausted in his arms, then turning to me, he said, "I think the
+Cutsababoo has done crying now, ROBINSON. Will you excuse me
+if I sing him to by-byes?" In olden days BRIGGS had a glorious
+baritone voice, and to hear him sing the Balliol Boating Song was a
+musical treat. I therefore readily agreed to stay and listen. "The
+Duckydoo is very particular," explained BRIGGS. "He will only
+go to sleep to his own ickle tune, _The New Lullaby_."
+
+  "Mummy has gone to the city,
+    Cutsaba--Cutsababoo!
+  But Mummy will think of her Pretty,
+    And buy him a little toy too.
+  Daddy will dandle the Darling,
+    And show him his beautiful toy.
+  Hushaby, Pet! Baby, don't fret!
+    Sleepery, Peepery Boy!
+
+  "Mummy is making the money,
+    Cutsaba--Cutsababoo!
+  To buy a new bonnet for sonny,
+    A jacket for Daddykins too.
+  Daddy will dandle the Darling,
+    And show him his beautiful toy.
+  Hushaby, Pet! Baby, don't fret!
+    Sleepery, Peepery Boy!"
+
+BRIGGS had just reached the end of the second verse when his
+keenly sensitive ear caught the sound of a latchkey turning in the
+door. A look of terror crossed his face. "It's _she!_ It's _she!_" he
+cried. "Oh, ROBINSON, if she finds you here! Oh, if you love
+me, fly!" I needed no second bidding. With a hasty grip of the hand I
+bade my friend farewell, and this is the last that has been seen of
+BRIGGS of Balliol.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MODERN MAID OF ATHENS.
+
+_John Bull_ (_hesitatingly_). "MAID OF ATHENS, ERE WE
+'PART'----"
+
+_Maid of Athens_ (_interrupting_). "THINK WHAT YOU OWE TO ATTIC
+ART?."
+
+[ the invitation of H.R.H. the Prince of WALES, a large
+meeting of these interested in the British School of Art at Athens was
+held on July 9 in St. James's Palace. The Prince of WALES
+said: "I sincerely hope we may soon hear that the School has been
+placed in an assured position for ever."--_Times Report._]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CUE FOR CANVASSERS.
+
+(_By a Cynic._)
+
+["In all the doubtful constituencies the result may be regarded as
+depending largely upon the persuasion and argument brought to bear upon
+individual electors."--_The Yorkshire Post._]
+
+  Persuasion? Argument? Very nice names
+  For Radical Caucusites, Primrose Dames,
+  And other retailers of party riddles,
+  _Ex parte_ statements, and taradiddles!
+  Gregarious voters, of old bribes did you all;
+  Now argument deals with the "individual."
+  With the man--or his wife--you must seek occasion,
+  Canvasser clever, to try "persuasion."
+  To "argue" that BLOGGS is the likeliest chap
+  To pour prosperity into your lap;
+  To "persuade" the Missus that that MCQUIRK
+  Will deprive her "man" of his beer _and_ work!
+  Oh, sweet are the virtues, upon occasion,
+  Of moral (or even _im_moral) 'suasion!
+  When blankets run out and when money's all spent,
+  Then, then comes the value of "argument."
+  And if the "argument" takes the form
+  Of orders and jobs in a perfect storm;
+  And when "persuasion" the future gauges
+  A promise of liquor and higher wages;
+  Why, then the result is the same almost,
+  'Twixt you and me, and the (_Yorkshire_) _Post!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DALY SACRIFICE TO SHAKSPEARE.--Again, thanks to the
+enterprise of Mr. AUGUSTIN DALY, one of SHAKSPEARE'S
+comedies is rendered resplendent with appropriate accessories. _A
+Midsummer Night's Dream_, furnished with new illustrations, and
+sparingly curtailed by necessary "cuts," becomes more poetical than
+ever. Miss ADA REHAN is a "dream" in herself, and Mr.
+LEWIS, as an American playing in England, becomes "translated"
+every evening to the complete satisfaction of an appreciating and
+crowded audience. The play should run from Midsummer into Michaelmas.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A HENLEY BARCAROLLE.
+
+(_By a Parasyllabic Swain._)
+
+  My lovylade, I peg and bray
+  That you will pun my joint to-day;
+  And we will, dreaming o'er the stodge,
+  In some remote lackwater bodge.
+
+  We'll take a man JOE, bandoline,
+  And hick-cup, as we slop between
+  The bangled tanks--we'll sink and drip,
+  And strum the things on board our ship.
+
+  List to my lovesick, mew, and come
+  Far from the giddy, higgling gum!
+  Relaying hearses, we will croon,
+  And through each glowering hide we'll _spoon!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Advertisement (_in "Standard"_).--"_Great Yarmouth. Small House. Close
+Aquarium and sea. Servant left._" Who was there when "servant left"?
+Also why "close Aquarium and sea"? Perhaps easy but unwise to close the
+former, but quite impossible to shut up the latter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"GOOD BIS"-LEY. "TELL THAT TO THE MARINES."--The United
+Services Cup was adjudged to the Marines at Bisley. In this competition
+the Marines were the best, "all told."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LABOUR OF LOVE!
+
+_Benevolent Lady_ (_who has with infinite trouble organised a Country
+Excursion for some overworked London Dressmakers_). "THEN MIND
+YOU'RE AT THE STATION AT NINE TO-MORROW, ELIZA. I DO HOPE IT WON'T
+RAIN!"
+
+"_RINE_, MISS! I 'OWP NOT, TO BE SURE! THE COUNTRY'S BAD ENOUGH
+WHEN IT'S _FOINE_, YN'T IT, MISS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SMOKING CHRISTIAN CONCERT.--In these smoking hot July days a
+Smoking Mission seems a good notion. Yet the Baccy-nalian missionaries
+may probably have to say, "We have pipe'd unto you, and you have not
+responded," except as long as the supply held out. Will there be
+distributed tracts entitled _A Bird's Eye View of Heaven_, _A Short Cut
+to Truth_, _Returns to Virtue_, _What is Life?_--_A Mixture!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROVERB A PROPOS OF LATEST NEW WALTZ, "KING GRETCHEN."--"It's
+the last STRAUSS that breaks the record."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BAWBEES ACROSS THE BORDER.--The _Dundee Advertiser_ has
+recently published a table showing the distribution of Ministerial
+salaries amongst Peers, Liberal Unionists, and Scotchmen. According
+to our canny contemporary, "Scotland fares badly in the new
+Administration." The reason for this lament is found in the fact
+that the share of Caledonia--"the spoil is taken chiefly by the Clan
+Balfour," remarks the _D. A._--amounts only to L12,425. And yet this
+sum represents the "banging" of a good many "saxpences." North Britain
+is unreasonable!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WASTING HER SWEETNESS.
+
+(_An Electioneering Study._)
+
+ ARGUMENT.--Mrs. HORACE HONEYBALL, wife of the
+ Liberal Candidate for a Metropolitan Working-class Constituency, has
+ undertaken in her husband's interests a house-to-house canvass in
+ Bodgers' Buildings.
+
+_Mrs. H. H._ (_to herself, as she threads her way through a grove
+of drying linen_). "I do _wish_ they would hang out their washing
+somewhere else--it's absolute ruin to one's hat! What a depressing
+place--but then they're all the more likely to be on our side. Have
+I got my canvassing cards and the bundle of leaflets? Yes--then I'd
+better begin.... How do you _do_, Mr. DOLLOP?... No, _please_
+don't move--I see I've come upon you all at your tea. So refreshing
+on a warm afternoon like this!... No, not any for me, thanks, I never
+touch it--and besides, I had some before I came out, you know....
+Oh, never mind about wiping a chair for me, Mrs. DOLLOP....
+Yes, _quite_ comfortable, I assure you. What a delightful home you
+have, with all those charming coloured pictures on the wall, and so
+_beautifully_ clean, too!... Ah, if you only knew the trouble and worry
+of a great house and a whole tribe of servants.... But you mustn't
+say that; _no_ one need despair of getting on nowadays, you know. And
+this is your little boy and girl? such bright, intelligent little
+faces. Jam _is_ so wholesome for them, isn't it?... HALBUT and
+HALICE? Really! such pretty names _I_ always think; and both
+beginning with--er--H.... Well, yes, _I have_ called on some particular
+business. I daresay, now, Mr. DOLLOP, you're quite a
+politician.... A plasterer? Now, _how_ delightful! Because I must tell
+you that my husband.... No, I'm afraid _not_. You see, we've only just
+had the whole house thoroughly done up. I was only going to say that my
+husband has such a respect for plasterers as a class, you know. Haven't
+I mentioned who he is? _How_ stupid of me! He's Mr. HONEYBALL,
+the Radical Candidate for this place.... Yes, I've come about the
+elections, of course. Oh, but you _ought_ to care; I'm sure you're far
+too intelligent a man to be really indifferent who represents you in
+Parliament! And my husband is so devoted to the working-classes; it's
+been quite the aim of his life to do something for them. His motto is,
+'Trust the People.'... Oh, _dear_ me, no--he's not a _shopkeeper_--he's
+at the Bar.... Certainly _not_. He's in favour of doing away with
+public-houses. He's a barrister--a _lawyer_, you know.... Ah, but
+perhaps you haven't been fortunate in such lawyers as you've _met_....
+Well, but you wouldn't like the _Tories_ to get in, _would_ you?... But
+they've _had_ their 'innings,' as you call it; they've been in a whole
+fortnight--and what have they _done_?... And if the Liberal Government
+is kept out, what will become of all the great reforms they've been
+trying to give you?... Well, there's Home Rule, for _one_.... Surely
+you're in favour of letting the Irish manage their own affairs?... No,
+that's _such_ a mistake; they _won't_ want to manage ours--at least,
+except Imperial matters--and why _shouldn't_ they?... All that can so
+easily be settled afterwards.... Don't you call 'One man one vote' a
+great reform?... Isn't it monstrous that some people should have five
+or six votes, while you only have one?... It's foolish to say they're
+'welcome to them,' like that, when they only use them to deprive you
+of your rights.... Then there's Welsh Disestablishment.... Oh, if you
+really can't see the immense importance of it, all I can say is, I'm
+extremely sorry.... Yes, I'm going now, and I hope, before the election
+day comes, you will have learnt to take a more enlightened----_Good_
+afternoon."
+
+"I'm so glad to have found you at home, Mr. BILGER. I'm
+Mrs. HONEYBALL, and I want you to support my husband at the
+election--he's standing as a Liberal, you know.... Oh, yes, I think
+I can tell you his views on the Liquor Traffic. He's anxious to see
+the curse of drinking thoroughly stamped out.... No, I'm sure you're
+no friend to publicans--you look _far_ too respectable.... Yes, as you
+say, they get rich on the earnings of the poor, and it's high time
+they were done away with.... _Certainly_ you may ask me a question....
+No, of course my husband would not _dream_ of putting down Clubs: he
+belongs to several himself.... Oh, you meant _Working-men's_ Clubs. You
+belong to one yourself? So _sensible_ of you!--and of course there can
+be no possible objection, so long as no intoxicating liquor----_Not_
+conducted on Teetotal principles? I'm afraid that _would_ make a
+difference.... Why? Because, don't you _see_, if people can go and
+join Clubs, and get drink there, there would be no use in closing the
+public-houses, _would_ there? We must be _logical_.... No _doubt_
+intoxicating drinks are supplied in Clubs, but I don't see what _that_
+has to do with it.... My husband? No, he's not a total abstainer, but
+still----... No, no; it's not a question of one law for the Rich and
+another for the Poor at _all_. You don't quite _understand_.... If
+you _really_ have heard enough, I'll go, of course.... Not at all. If
+anything I've said has helped you in making up your mind, I'm only
+too----Don't trouble to come to the door!"
+
+"Mrs. MANGLES, I think? Your husband _not_ at home, I
+see. It doesn't matter--you will do _quite_ as well. I'm Mrs.
+HONEYBALL.... Oh, you _have_ heard the name.... Seen my
+husband's picture on the placards? Oh, you're not taking a liberty in
+the very _least_. I shall be only too _delighted_ to give you one. He
+_is_ rather nice-looking, isn't he? I'll tell you what I'll do--when
+I get home, I'll send you one of his photographs to put on your
+mantelpiece.... Oh, I _don't_ think I should have it coloured, if I
+were you.... But his hair and moustache aren't _auburn_, and what _do_
+you want to put him in a red tunic for?... Really? The living image of
+your first young man? He _will_ be flattered!... You've had several
+since? I can quite believe _that_.... Well, if you will promise to get
+your husband to give me his vote, perhaps----_Why_ should I have to go
+to the--er--'Cimingtery' for it?... Last Christmas?--_dear_ me! I'm
+very sorry I----Good-bye, Mrs. MANGLES; and--er--if I _do_
+find I have a photograph to spare----but the portrait of him on that
+leaflet is really more _like_, you know!"
+
+[Illustration: "I _love_ the smell of tobacco!"]
+
+"No, don't put _down_ your pipe, Mr. GOWLES; I--I _love_
+the smell of tobacco!... You weren't _intending_ to--how friendly of
+you!... I daresay you don't know who _I_ am?... Perhaps not, but you'll
+let me _tell_ you, won't you?... I've come to ask you to vote for my
+husband, Mr. HONEYBALL; he's not a _Tory_, you know, he's a
+thorough-going Radical.... Not going to vote for either of them?--Now
+_why_?... Oh, no, I'm _sure_ you're not--you're _much_ too pleasant
+and gentlemanly to be a horrid Socialist!... You want everything done
+away with? Well, the Liberals _are_ going to abolish a lot of things.
+There's the House of Lords, for instance, you're against _them_,
+I'm sure.... Not more than you are against the House of Commons?
+Oh, but you don't _really_ want to destroy one of our most ancient
+institutions!... Capitalists? oh, they're sharks and bloodsuckers and
+landgrabbers and all that, I _quite_ agree with you there--only they're
+all _Tories_, you know.... Why shouldn't you share in all the wealth
+you're assisting to produce? Why are you to be robbed of the product
+of your brain and hands?--I really don't know--it's very wrong, no
+doubt--what _do_ you produce?... Oh, you're a bill-poster? I _see_.
+Now don't get excited.... Your only hope is in the Gospel of Hate?...
+Now _really_, such a _disagreeable_ thing to say!... If I could only
+bring you to see that by voting for the Liberals----... I'm _not_
+a smooth-tongued humbug, and it's extremely rude of you to call me
+anything of the kind.... I never said you hadn't a perfect right to
+vote as you pleased.... Very _well_, then, _keep_ your horrible vote,
+I'm sure _I_ don't want it! (_To herself, as she departs._) I shall go
+home. If I see any more of these people, I shall find I've turned into
+a rabid Tory--and I'm sure HORACE wouldn't like that!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPERATIC NOTES.
+
+_Monday_ memorable for MELBA. Never sang better than as
+mad-as-a-hatter heroine of DONIZETTI'S _Lucia di Lammermoor_.
+Three hearty, deafening, unanimous encores for the brilliant
+fireworky Hanwellian vocalisation in LUCY'S (not "H.
+W. LUCY'S," of the _D. N._, but Miss LUCIA'S) great
+_de lunatico inquirendo_ scena. After encore, inevitable gigantic
+basket of flowers handed up to triumphant cantatrice by Beaming
+BEVIGNANI and talented assistants in orchestra. Conductor and
+musicians ought not to be used as agents for delivery of bouquets to
+_prime donne_. If somebody among audience wishes to publicly present
+singer with floral testimonial, why not let that Somebody step forward
+(as the person in church who would "forbid the banns" is invited to do)
+and hand it to her himself on a stick? Or if he be in some other part
+of the house, DULCISSIMUS DRURIOLANUS would himself introduce
+him and his basket of flowers on to, and off, the stage. The encores
+and the floral testimonial quite turned mad heroine's head.
+
+[Illustration: alve a la "'Ria."]
+
+That is, so turned it round again that she became quite sane and
+chatted amicably with two or three of the leading chorus "up stage"
+until it suddenly occurred to her that she must go mad again, which she
+did at once, most effectively. After this "_Fra poco_," the swan-like
+(if swan a tenor) death-song of _Edgardo_, cannot go for its value
+unless sung by a most popular and highly-gifted tenor. So it stands
+to the credit of Signor DASH-MY-VIGNAS that, in this, he was
+enthusiastically applauded, and soon after "laid him down and dee'd"
+in the midst of an admiring and more-or-less sympathetic Chorus.
+Great opera for Chorus giving expression to their feelings. How they
+cry or laugh, and point and gesticulate and threaten and sympathise
+as guests in low dresses without anything distinctively Scotch about
+them, except in the case of one lady over whose shoulder I fancy I
+detected a tartan scarf of clannish pattern. _Normanno_, played by, I
+think, IGINIO CORSI (which name, in compliment to the national
+Scotch liquor, ought to have been changed to "IWISKIO CORSI"),
+bore remarkable resemblance to Markis o' SALISBURY. I do
+not remember ever having seen or heard Lord SALISBURY as
+a vocalist. To be remembered as _The_ MELBA Night of the
+Season--up to now.
+
+_Wednesday._--CALVE as _Carmen_ simply perfect. That is
+all I have to say; like the Raven (not _Barnaby Rudge's_, but
+EDGAR A. POE'S), I announce "Only this, and Nothing More."
+And ALVAREZ as _Jose_, "Gentleman JOE," who does
+not drive, but is driven to madness, first-rate; in last scene,
+struggle and assassination most thrilling, dramatically: even
+stall-by-the-season'd opera-goers holding breath, and clutching at
+backs of seats. Audience, ordinarily indifferent to fate of heroine
+in last act, wait till bitter end. They only quit when quite sure
+_Carmen_ cannot possibly sing any more. Madame MELBA,
+who, "_by request of the Management_"--how modestly is this put,
+O DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS!--"_has kindly consented to play
+Michaela_," exceeded the terms of her amiable contract, as she not only
+"played" _Michaela_, but sang the music superbly, her singing being
+faultless, which her "playing" was not. Mossoo ALBERS rather
+out of it as _Escamillo_, and _Toreador_ was not an Encoreador, whereat
+_Toreador non contento_. All the principals sang in French, "knowing
+the language," but clever Chorus stuck to Italian. _Benissimo!_
+BEVIGNANI beaming, and beating time. House crowded; elections
+and political parties disturb not the harmony of Covent Garden. Yet
+"last week but one" announced, and end in view. WAGSTAFF,
+seeing CALVE in first act with scarf or belt round waist,
+suggests riddle, "Why is CALVE a perfect _Carmen?_" Before
+you can break away from him, without damage to your button-hole,
+he answers, "Because she plays the part with _a-band-on_." _Exit_
+WAGSTAFF.
+
+_Friday._--_Pagliacci._--A new _Nedda_ in Mlle. ZELIE DE
+LUSSAN. _Nedda_ is rather a Loose'un, and Mlle. ZELIE
+is as good a _Nedda_ as you can get "when t'other dear charmer's
+away." Then to follow, CALVE in _Calve-'lleria Rusticana_
+admirably dramatic. Can't believe this Magdalenish saint-like woman can
+possibly be that deuce of a young woman, _Carmen_, of t'other night.
+But "_F[oe]mina varium et mutabile_ (also _cantabile_) _semper_." All
+the others good as ever, specially GIULIA RAVOGLI, as the gay
+_Lo-la-li-ety_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCRAPS FROM CHAPS.
+
+The hedgehog is sometimes accused of helping himself to a drink from
+a recumbent cow, but his larger relative, the domestic pig, is to be
+even still more commended for his enterprise. According to the _Western
+Daily Mercury_, in a farmyard in the parish of Uffculme a pig was
+observed to rear on his hind legs and suck milk from a cow. This sight
+must have enormously impressed the spectator. But it ought to have been
+a dog.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Surely a Radical Unionist is a new departure in politics. Mr.
+STRAUSS, who is opposing Mr. CONYBEARE, M.P. for
+the Camborne division of Cornwall, in reply to a question at Cusgarne
+said that he was a Radical Unionist, but the name Liberal was good
+enough for him. Mr. STRAUSS is to be congratulated on his
+new political "Doctrinen"; but, if he should succeed in defeating Mr.
+CONYBEARE, he seems likely to lead the Whips a pretty dance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It seems a little hard on a Parliamentary candidate when he is
+seriously misrepresented by his own friends. This is what Mr.
+MICHAEL WILLIAMS has suffered in the St. Austell division of
+Cornwall at the hands of his friend Canon BUSH. With every
+intention of doing Mr. WILLIAMS a good turn, the worthy Canon
+fired off a letter in the local press containing a serious misquotation
+of a speech said to have been made by Mr. WILLIAMS about the
+false doctrines of the Nonconformists. The explosion of this shell in
+the Nonconformist camp has not improved Mr. WILLIAMS'S chance
+of success, and he probably believes in the truth of the old saying,
+that "Good wine needs no Bush."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PULL ALL TOGETHER.--What our forefathers would have called
+"seeking an explanation from one's representative," is now, in these
+days of political slang, known as "pulling your member's leg!" Witness
+what happened in West Fife:
+
+ "Mr. WEMYSS said, that if they returned him they would have
+ the advantage of being able to run down to WEMYSS when he did
+ anything wrong and pull his leg at the cost of a sixpence in train
+ money, whereas, if they wanted to pull Mr. BIRRELL over the
+ coals, it would cost them L3 to go to London."
+
+The electors would certainly seem to "have the pull" by Mr.
+WEMYSS'S proximity; but why didn't some heckler retort by
+saying that in pulling a candidate's leg voters must be careful not to
+get hold of a calf?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SLOW TRAINING.--The Cork County National Teachers' Association
+has passed a resolution that "for the sixth class" the geography of
+the British Isles is enough, and "that the British Colonies be held
+over till the examination in the second year." But how will the British
+Colonies like being held over? And is not Ireland itself going to be
+a self-governing British Colony--some day? But that idea, too, seems
+"held over" for the present. The National Teachers, however, are true
+Nationalists, because they also resolved that "Professors of Irish
+should be appointed in all the Training Colleges." If females, they
+will be expected to wear the Celtic fringe, of course.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+READY AND WILLING (_in the Cornell-Leander Fiasco_).--One crew
+wasn't "ready," but the starter was "WILLAN"--like _Barkis_.
+The Cornell crew was ready and willin'. So they had the starter with
+them at all events; and, they started. Angry partisans described the
+proceeding as "Willanous." So it was,--from one point of view.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ELECTION PARADOXES.--Standing for a seat, and running against
+a sitting Member.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GENERAL ELECTION CRY.--"Take your seats, Gentlemen!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY.
+
+_The Professor_ (_who has just come back from the North Pole_).
+"----AND THE FAUNA OF THESE INHOSPITABLE REGIONS IS AS POOR AS THE
+FLORA! YOU COULDN'T NAME A DOZEN ANIMALS WHO MANAGE TO LIVE THERE."
+
+_Mrs. Malapert._ "OH--I DARE SAY I COULD!"
+
+_The Professor._ "REALLY--WHAT _ARE_ THEY?"
+
+_Mrs. Malapert._ "WELL, NOW--FIVE POLAR BEARS, LET US SAY, AND--AND
+SEVEN SEALS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IL "TRUE BLUE" INGLESE.
+
+_All' illustrissimo Signor Punch._
+
+ILLUSTRIOUSEST SIR,--I feel myself in duty of to write to
+her these few lines for to tell to her the my opinion of the of her
+country. Ah, the beautiful England! One speaks in Italy of the _cielo
+inglese_, when the sky is grey and overcast. For the first time I come
+now in the my ship to the of her country. _Ecco_, the sky is blue! In
+the our country so many things are blue--the sky, the sea, the lakes,
+the distant mountains, but in the our language not there is the word
+"blue." One says "azure" or "turquoise," but not the general term
+"blue." Therefore before I come to England I think, "We Italians see
+the colour blue, but not can say it, and these english have the word,
+but see never the colour." And _ecco_ I arrive, and the sky is blue!
+Not it is the blue of Napoli, not it is the blue of Geneva, and perhaps
+it is to-day only, but _veramente_ it is blue. It is much curious.
+
+Also I have found other things blue. Some time the sea is pale blue.
+Some time the milk is pale blue. And one english says to me, "The
+sea was rough and the wind blue," but this not can I understand. The
+his friends say he likes chaff. _Diavolo_, what taste! But perhaps
+the chaff is much helpful for the digestion, like the english brown
+bread, which some brave men eat. The his friends say also, "He chaffs
+till all is blue." Perhaps when one eats the chaff the eyesight is
+altered. It is much curious. There are other things blue in England.
+There are "the blues." One my friend says to me that this phrase is the
+french _ennui_. Then I have not it seen yet, for it is always _festa_
+since our arrival. I have heard that the blues are at Oxford and at
+Cambridge, above all at the College of Girton. But the evening past
+I saw the blue the most beautiful. Ah, the exquisite eyes! Ah, _la
+bellissima signorina inglese!_ so graceful, so courteous, so beautiful!
+And the her eyes were blue, so blue! Never have I seen a colour so
+sweet. The sea at Napoli, the sky at Palermo, the lake at Bellagio--it
+seems to me that they are grey and ugly when I think to the her eyes.
+
+Ah, Signor _Punch_, Her is a man, Her can love, Her, I know it, admires
+the beauty of the women! So to her I tell that those blue eyes have hit
+the heart of the italian. Not in Italy, but in England, one sees the
+blue the most divine.
+
+Her I beg to accept the my compliments and I have the honour to say
+myself.
+
+  Her Devotedest Servant,
+
+  ANDREA DORIA DANDOLO VESPUCCI-COLOMBO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ORDER! ORDER!
+
+ ["Colonel NORTH bases his appeal for support on the plea that
+ he will see to it that West Leeds gets its full share of whatever work
+ may be going."--_Leeds Mercury._]
+
+  O "dark and true and tender is the NORTH!"
+    And wondrous service to West Leeds he'll render;
+  _He_'ll see, when Government work is going forth,
+    West Leeds shall have its chance--at least to tender.
+  "Orders are heaven's first law." That is the kernel
+    Of the "dear Colonel's" creed; and it contents
+  Those who to Governments raise the cry eternal
+    Of "Give your orders, Gents!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ECHOES FROM THE POLLS.
+
+Elected am I? Well, I am really much obliged.
+
+Oh, certainly, shall be truly delighted to do anything in my power.
+
+Fancy in these hard times that it is a little difficult to increase a
+subscription list.
+
+Only too pleased, but must be rather careful not to infringe the
+Bribery Acts.
+
+Truly intend to live up to my opinions. Would not alter them for worlds.
+
+Cannot recall everything I said during the heat of the election, and
+probably was imperfectly reported.
+
+Do not claim any more liberty of action than to obey the dictates of my
+conscience.
+
+Afraid cannot adequately represent every phase of political opinion.
+
+Will give as much satisfaction in Westminster as practicable.
+
+Party arguments are rather superfluous after the contest, and therefore
+have to be avoided.
+
+Sorry cannot stay longer in the Division itself, as my presence is
+required within the precincts of St. Stephen's.
+
+Would have the greatest pleasure in life to discuss all these matters
+of controversy at another time.
+
+Sorry cannot give exact date, but why not say just before the next
+General Election?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEMORABLE.--Wednesday, July 10th. Evening Fete at Botanical
+Gardens. _No Rain!!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OLD WARDER WILLIAM.
+
+THE VETERAN (_loquitur_). "DEAR ME! WHAT _HAS_ BECOME OF
+HARCOURT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EX-HON. PRIVATE A. BRIEFLESS, JUN., ON THE I. O. C. R. V. C. AT BISLEY.
+
+It is scarcely necessary to say that during the sitting of the Courts I
+have little time for what may be termed recreation. So when I visited
+Bisley on the occasion of the competition for the Ashburnham Shield,
+it was in a semi-military and semi-forensic capacity. It was no doubt
+pleasing to see one's schoolfellows of a later generation maintaining
+the _prestige_ of a common _Alma Mater_; but the chief attraction in
+my eyes of the successor to Wimbledon was the presence under canvas of
+much that is left of the "Devil's Own." And here let me pause for a
+moment to discuss the traditional derivation of the alternative title
+of the Inns of Court Rifle Volunteer Corps. I believe His late Majesty
+King WILLIAM THE FOURTH (of marine memory) is usually believed
+to have been the first to call his lawyer warriors by the name that,
+to certain minds, has had since an unsympathetic significance. I am
+of opinion that the Sailor Sovereign merely confirmed a title that
+had already been obtained by usage. It is more than possible that the
+initial supporters of the I. O. C. R. V. C. were counsel seldom holding
+briefs of their own, but frequently appearing as "learned" but absent
+"friends." It is needless to hint to the Bench and Bar that I refer to
+"devils." If my assumption is correct, then indeed would the Battalion
+be justly known to fame as "the Devil's Own."
+
+[Illustration: The Skeleton of a Regiment.]
+
+I wish I could deny the reports that have found their way into the
+papers that the I. O. C. R. V. C. is less prosperous than it was of
+yore. Personally, I have it on my conscience that I have not for many
+years appeared on parade. To the best of my belief I have only once
+joined the ranks. The occasion was a prize distribution in Lincoln's
+Inn Hall. As an honorary member I was posted in the front rank of "A"
+Company. Then came the perplexing command, "Fours right," which, so
+far as I was concerned, ended in disaster. A little later I retired
+from all active military service, and have remained in retreat ever
+since. Still, at the sound of the bugle my pulse quickens, and I
+feel that had I chosen the Tented Field instead of the Forum for the
+exercise of my professional duties my career would not have suffered
+in prosperity from the alteration. In fact, I believe that with the
+conditions changed I should have had just as good a chance of becoming
+Commander-in-Chief as Lord Chancellor. But these are regrets that are
+out of place in the columns of a periodical that guards the interests
+of the universe in general, while fostering the loftiest aspirations of
+the legal profession in particular. So I cast them aside as unworthy
+the attention of a counsel, a soldier, and a gentleman.
+
+Let me return to the I. O. C. R. V. C. at Bisley. I found "those of the
+faithful who have been true to their trust" defending themselves--there
+was no trace of defiance in the action--from the fierce fire of the
+noonday sun by wearing straw hats and sporting flannels. It was a
+pretty picture, that made by the martial lawyers at their mid-day
+parade. The tents, the tubs, the kitchen utensils, and last, but not
+least, the mess-house, with its dining saloon and ante-room. Alas, that
+the stability of the latter should be inappropriate! Alas, that the
+corps, once the pride of the Volunteer Service, should be reduced to
+four companies, and (so I believe) have lost its adjutant! Ichabod! How
+the mighty have fallen!
+
+As I watched the sad and yet impressive tableau old memories flocked
+upon me. Where was the private who caricatured his Colonel, and showed
+how a shako could be combined with a horse-hair wig, and yet look
+military and forensic? Where was the lance corporal who invariably
+confirmed his captain's commands with an "as your Lordship pleases?"
+Where was the rear-rank wag who, on being told to charge, said he "must
+leave that sort of thing to his clerk, who kept his fee-book?" Where
+was the vocalist who would sing the songs of J. L. MOLLOY,
+Barrister-at-Law, and knew the ins and outs of "The Maske of Flowers?"
+All of them gone, and their places scarcely filled by new comers!
+And, as I gazed upon an energetic private of the I. O. C. R. V. C.,
+apparently preparing to meet the demands of an expected detachment of
+hungry lunchers, I wondered whether anything could be done to revive
+the fortunes of the Grand Old Battalion. Could the hours of leisure of
+the warriors be occupied by regimental trips down the river, regimental
+drags to the races, regimental dinners to one another, regimental
+visits to the play, regimental strolls in the Row, regimental bicycles
+in Battersea Park? I fancy something of this kind has already been
+suggested. Then, if Barristers do not flock in sufficient numbers to
+the banners of the Lamb, the Horse, and the Griffin, why not throw
+open the ranks to wealthy persons--so to speak--fond of the leaders
+of litigation? Again I imagine some such plan has already been under
+consideration.
+
+And, as I thought the matter over, I became gloomier and gloomier. So
+sad was I that I had to visit the adjacent cemetery, to revive, under
+the modified merriment of the place, into comparative cheerfulness. The
+mere recollection of the I. O. C. R. V. C. unmans me. It is better that
+I should pause, for I can write no more.
+
+  _Pump Handle Court, July 12, 1895._
+
+  A. BRIEFLESS, JUN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CRY OF THE COUNTER.
+
+(_By a Shopkeeper who had hoped better things of the Season._)
+
+  Great Scott! Sold again! It's all up with the Season,
+    Though Summer _is_ Summer, and Goodwood's not gone!
+  We Shopkeepers hoped for good luck, and with reason,
+    For things did look bright. But once more we are done;
+  Done, clean as a whistle! A General Election!
+    Sprung on us, through BRODRICK, and cordite, and stuff!
+  A plague on both parties, a curse on each section!
+    Your M.P.'s a mooncalf, a muddler, a muff!
+
+  The weather was stunning; Death had not been busy
+    With Royalties--bless 'em!--and London was full;
+  And though of course ROSEBERY is not a DIZZY,
+    He _did_ win the Derby, which gave him some pull.
+  The Parties kept wrangling,--but nobody bothered;
+    They didn't make progress,--but none of us cared;
+  Though LABBY played tricks, or SILOM o pothered,
+    We stuck to our counters, unshocked and unscared.
+
+  And now, betwixt grass-time and harvest, the duffers
+    Fight over sheer fudge and kick over the show.
+  And so once again the poor Shopkeeper suffers.
+    A murrain on HARCOURT, a plague upon JOE!
+  For policy BALFOUR sets forth "Dissolution,"
+    And thinks he has scored. Had I temper, and breath,
+  _And_ his ear, I could smash up his smart elocution,
+    _His_ game's Dissolution,--to us it means death.
+
+  The fat's in the fire, and the spark's in the powder,
+    We're in for a long spell of wigs on the green.
+  Our clients will scatter, and louder and louder
+    Will swell the fool-chorus of partisan spleen.
+  Sir BOTTLEBY SNIPE must be off beyond Humber,
+    And sweet Lady SPENDWELL goes Primrosing, south,
+  And I, poor shopkeeper, may just as well slumber,
+    With rage in my heart and my thumb in my mouth.
+
+  Oh, slaves of the shop, from Pall Mall to far Peckham,
+    Say, is it not time that _you_ rose and rebelled?
+  The parties just play with us. Can we not check 'em?
+    By Jove, if one chorus of shopdom but swelled,
+  Like the working man's howl, on those Westminster wobblers,
+    The sweet little game they all play it might stop.
+  For Socialist dockers and Radical cobblers
+    They've ears; but they're deaf to the Cry of the Shop.
+
+  The rents, rates and taxes pile higher and higher,
+    The Stores undersell us--and cop ready cash!
+  The Hebrew monopolist, fiercer and slyer
+    Than tiger-cat, schemeth to send us to smash.
+  The landlord rack-rents us, and then pops the profit
+    He draws out of us into syndicate Stores!
+  I tell you the shopkeeper's life is a Tophet,
+    M.P.'s play at "Progress," and _we_ pay all scores.
+
+  And then they ask me for my vote!!! Why, what guerdon
+    Have I for my votings these twenty years past?
+  Continual addition to back-breaking burden!
+    I say the last straw has been laid on, at last;
+  At least upon this individual camel.
+    To forward true Progress I don't think I'm loth,
+  But sick of prolonged Party trick, trap, and trammel,
+    If I had my wish, I would--_vote against both!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MODERN IXION.--This mythological character finds his
+present representative in a shareholder Bound to the Great Wheel at
+Earl's Court. However, Ixion and his wheel went on for ever! In which
+case Modern Ixion ought to be an exceptionally lucky person.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I SAY, OLD MAN, WHAT'S THAT AWFUL ROW GOING ON NEXT
+DOOR?"
+
+"OH, THAT'S THE OMPHALE CLUB. THE LADIES ARE HAVING THEIR FIRST
+WHIST PARTY OF THE SEASON!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW NORRIBLE TALE.
+
+(_From a Philistinish Point of View._)
+
+AIR--"_The Norrible Tale._"
+
+  'Tis a norrible tale I'm going to tell
+  Of the frightful fortunes which befel
+  A family who late resided
+  In the same suburban street that I did.
+    O it is a norrible tale!
+    'Twould make a Maeterlinck turn pale,
+    With its frightful blend of the grim and glum,
+    Of fiddle-de-dee, and fi-fo-fum!
+
+  O they were a decent Philistine lot
+  Till they caught the contagion of "Tommy-Rot,"
+  That kind of mental, malarial fever,
+  Which floors the foolish and foils the clever.
+    O it is a norrible tale, &c.
+
+  This Influenza of the Soul
+  Haunted their house like some gruesome "troll."
+  (The family--which their name was GIBSON--
+  Knew all about such from the works of IBSEN.)
+
+  The father first felt the spell unholy,
+  And the man's demeanour grew truly "trolly."
+  He was--in Peckham--a Master Builder,
+  And he "carried on" with a drudge named 'TILDER.
+
+  The slavey said it was truly thrilling,
+  But struck for another--weekly--shilling.
+  "She was ready to thrill till all was blue,
+  But it _must_ be reckenised in her 'screw!'"
+
+  His wife declared he was most inhuman,
+  And, for her part, she should turn New Woman!
+  So she grew--to him--an emotional icicle,
+  And mounted knickers, and rode a bicycle.
+
+  The eldest son, an athletic young fellow,
+  Who had gained his "Blue," took at once to Yellow.
+  "Muscle," he said, in a tone despotic,
+  "Is beastly vulgaw; good form's Neurotic!"
+
+  The youngest daughter, a blue-eyed fairy--
+  (Her pies were prime, and her name was MARY--)
+  Now took to cricket, and cigarette-smoking,
+  And manly manners in togs--and joking.
+
+  The eldest one, of a statelier carriage,
+  Conceived quaint notions about "Group-marriage:"
+  "Since man's a satyr, and brings satiety,
+  The only virtue is--in _variety!_"
+
+  Another girl took to writing novels
+  On dirt in "dosses," and vice in hovels;
+  Varying the same with Kiplingy verses,
+  With ingenious rhymes to street-slang and curses.
+
+  The youngest boy, who was "only a nipper,"
+  Contributed "Art" to the "Sixpenny Snipper,"
+  Which his sisters said was "supremely delicious,
+  As a blend of the infantile and vicious."
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  The father died of his drudge and drink,
+  The wife broke her back at a skating rink;
+  And as to the slavey, whose name was 'TILDER,
+  She "thrilled"--on street-preaching and rum--till they killed her.
+
+  The eldest son read NORDAU and LOMBROSO,
+  Till his brain went shaky--'twas always so-so--
+  He imagines himself a pot of mustard,
+  Of which egomaniacs are making a custard.
+
+  The youngest daughter's an "Amazon Queen"
+  At the East-end Halls, and she's loud and lean;
+  The eldest--whose freedom all bonds would sully--
+  Is tied to--and thrashed by--a pugilist bully.
+
+  The writer of sensuous snippety novels,
+  In Grub Street gutters forlornly grovels;
+  The "Boy Genius of Gehenna," of the babbling boasters,
+  Turns a very poor penny by Stygian Posters!
+    O it _is_ a norrible tale!
+    And what do New Women and New Art avail?
+    Egomania-Tommyrotica is all a hum,
+    Half fiddle-de-dee, and half fi-fo-fum!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BANDS AND BOMBS.--How many Hungarian Bands are there about?
+There's a "Real Blue Hungarian" (does this mean a "True Blue," good old
+Tory, Band?)--there's an "Anglo-Hungarian," and a "White Hungarian." In
+fact, Hungarian Band "with variations." The Real Hung'ry-an'-Thirsty
+Bands are to be seen every night in the Feeding Places of the Indian
+Exhibition, Earl's Court, where, specially within the bowers of the al
+fresco Welcome Club, _can_ be served a very good dinner which _may_ be
+bettered; and, if you are a Lucullus, you _comme gourmet_ will have to
+Look-ullus-where for it. [N.B.--To get this jest well received give
+the dinner yourself, and towards the middle of the feast try the jape.
+They'll all laugh _en--mais apres?_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "AYE! BUT HOW?"
+
+_Squire_ (_in dog-cart_). "HERE! YOU FOOL! HOLD HIS HEAD!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MISONEOGYNY.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--New Woman dead? Not a bit of it. Don't
+believe she ever existed. Never met her anywhere myself, and never met
+anybody who has. It's my belief there "ain't no sich person." Merely
+an idea or an influence, don't you know; and you can't shake hands, go
+into dinner, dance, or flirt with a poisonous influence, any more than
+you can with a bad smell. Whatever she is, though, afraid she's driven
+me into evil courses--rhymes. Here they are:--
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Oh, where is that horrible modern monstrosity,
+    Where is the woman whom people call "New,"
+  Who thinks, speaks, and acts with such utter atrocity,
+    Tell me, oh where are the "women who do"?
+  Half angry, half sad (upon grounds sentimental) man
+    Begs the New Woman to stoutly proclaim--
+  "No longer a lady, and not yet a gentleman"--
+    Where are the creatures who own to the name?
+  This monster has, surely, no lasting vitality,
+   Only existing in fancy and print;
+  It is just an unlovely abstract personality,
+    Coin from the end-of-the-century mint.
+  And, therefore, in physical prowess and mental, man
+    Owns her supremacy, calm and serene,
+  Because the New Woman is like the "Old Gentleman,"
+    Heard of more often--thank heaven--than seen.
+
+Shouldn't worry if I were "Misoneogynist." New woman fad nearly played
+out, only a black cloud floating across the blue sky of common sense.
+Nice idea, isn't it? Till cloud rolls by shall remain,
+
+  Yours cheerily,
+
+  A. BACHELOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "BOGEY-LAND OF SCIENCE."--From the _Glasgow Herald_:--
+
+ "The fourth meeting of the eleventh session of the Andersonian
+ Naturalists Society was held at 204, George Street, Professor G.
+ BELL TODD, M.B., C.M., President, in the chair. After the minutes
+ of last meeting had been read, Mr. ARCHIBALD SHANKS exhibited
+ an Ichthyodorulite of Gyracanthus."
+
+Plucky of Mr. SHANKS, that! As the Gyracanthus is an animal
+with both a fin and a spine, and it was captured in Ayr, it must be a
+sort of flying shark. How on earth did Mr. SHANKS get it to
+George Street? It ought to be called "By George Street!" in future.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE COLONEL'S" PARADOXICAL PURPOSE.--To convert West Leeds
+into "NORTH Leads."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TRUE SPORTSMAN'S TIP.
+
+  At anti-gambling "spoil-sports," loudly
+    The "sportsmen" they would spoil are fretting.
+  Good friends, though you protest so proudly,
+      The _true_ spoil-sport is--Betting!
+  Although it suit the baser sort,
+  What's sport to them is death to Sport!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Piccadilly Sports" is a headline conjuring up pleasant visions
+of races, and other jinks unconducive to the peace and comfort of
+law-abiding citizens--only authorised race in Piccadilly, the "purblind
+race of miserable men." Yet let no irate old gentleman storm the
+columns of the _Times_ with a tirade against the police and County
+Council on this account. Because there happens to be another Piccadilly
+up north. _Hinc (Piccad) illi ludi._ We shall expect to be reading
+shortly of "Holborn miners out on strike," "Heroic rescue by the Pall
+Mall lifeboat," or "A serious affray with poachers at Paddington."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ELECTION INTELLIGENCE.
+
+TOBY ONCE MORE M.P.
+
+On Monday the Electors of Barkshire assembled in the great hall
+of their county town to elect a Member to serve in the Fourteenth
+Parliament of Queen VICTORIA. The High Sheriff presided.
+Owing to the constitutional rule which forbids Peers to take part
+in Parliamentary electoral proceedings, the Lord Lieutenant of the
+county was precluded from showing himself on the platform. It was said
+that, indisposed to be entirely out of so interesting and popular
+an event, his lordship was present disguised as a tide-waiter. Our
+representative, however, did not observe in the throng any person in
+nautical dress.
+
+[Illustration: "Carried unanimously."]
+
+The hall, which was crowded to its utmost capacity, was gaily decorated
+with flags. Across the full length of the hall was suspended a banner
+bearing the proud device "BARKS'S IS WILLIN'."
+
+Our esteemed ex-Member was accompanied on the platform by the principal
+county gentry of all shades of political opinion. On taking his seat in
+the front row of chairs, he was received with rounds of Kentish fire,
+made in Barkshire. Having been proposed and seconded in eulogistic
+terms, report of which he has expressed a desire we should suppress,
+the High Sheriff inquired if any elector desired to propose another
+candidate?
+
+"I should think not," said a burly Barkshire farmer, ominously grasping
+a stout blackthorn.
+
+After this no one seemed disposed to move, and the High Sheriff
+declared TOBY, M.P., duly elected. There were loud cries for
+the Member, who, overcoming natural and usually insuperable diffidence,
+got on his hind legs.
+
+"Brother electors," he said, "it is an old saying, 'What Barkshire
+thinks to-day, England will do to-morrow.' Obviously some inaccuracy
+underlies the aphorism, since whilst you have to-day thought me
+worthy of being elected your Member, it's no use England coming
+round to-morrow and asking me to represent it in the Commons House
+of Parliament. This is the fourth time Barkshire has done me this
+honour; and base indeed is the man--(_A Voice, 'Who pays'_)--who could
+be insensible to such testimony of confidence and esteem. Brother
+electors--(_A Voice, 'Who stole the Emperor William's uniform?'
+Disturbance at the end of the hall. Another Voice, 'Chuck him out.'_)
+No, electors of Barkshire, let him stay. If he is put outside, he
+loses the opportunity of observing your behaviour, and learning how
+gentlemen comport themselves when publicly assembled in discharge of
+a solemn duty. (_Loud cheers. A Voice, 'That fetches 'em!'_) I was
+about to observe, when our friend's feelings temporarily overcame him,
+that since I entered the room I have had a number of questions handed
+up to me. They are a little late, since I am no longer a candidate
+but am duly elected. That, however unusual the case may be, makes no
+difference. The first question is: 'Will you, if elected, see that
+every man in Barkshire over fifty years of age has three acres of
+the best land in the parish, with a cow for every adult child and a
+calf a-piece for each infant in arms?' Certainly; I hope I may live
+to see established those desirable conditions as between man and man.
+(_Cheers._) Another esteemed friend asks: 'Do you understand Local Veto
+to mean that a man may go into the public-house, take his noggin or
+what not, and when asked to pay may refuse?' I could not if I tried put
+my views on the situation more clearly. The Veto, as you all know, is
+a Latin word meaning to _vete_, or, as we say in English, to refuse to
+stump up. A public-house is, according to 19 Vict. c. 190, a locality.
+Local Veto is, therefore, the inalienable right of the English citizen
+as defined by my friend. (_Loud cheers._) 'Are you in favour of
+Equalisation of the Rates?' To be frank with you, my idea of rates is
+that they should be equalised to the extent that makes them absolutely
+impalpable. (_'No, no.' 'Yes, yes.' Uproar under the gallery. Cries
+of_ 'JUDAS!' _A free fight, during which a man was ejected,
+omitting to take his coat with him._) Don't put him out; don't put
+anyone out. If there's a renewal of the interruption, form a ring round
+the man; then we will see where we are. Here's another question: 'Do
+you approve of Ice Creams made in foreign prisons smuggled over here in
+barrel-organs and ground out in our streets, ruining the digestion of
+our working men?' That is a question which hardly seems to need reply
+from a patriotic Englishman. But I will say--and you observe I say it
+emphatically--No. (_Loud cheering._) 'Are you in favour of a Second
+Chamber, or do you go the length of Tenification?' That is a very nice
+question. It shows how deeply and intelligently the men of Barkshire
+study the questions of the day. It is not a matter on which I, for one,
+care to dogmatize; I will therefore content myself with saying, that
+between two and ten we might find the happy medium. (_More cheering,
+the audience rising to their feet, waving hats and handkerchiefs._)
+Now, gentlemen, that's all the questions I have, and I hope you'll
+agree that I have answered them frankly. Ah! here's another one coming
+up. (_A dirty piece of paper is passed from hand to hand till it
+reached the hon. Member._) 'Could you lend me five bob till Saturday
+night?' (_Laughter, in which the hon. Member heartily joined._) I
+think, gentlemen, it is time we now proposed a vote of thanks to the
+High Sheriff." (_This was carried unanimously, and the meeting broke
+up. A torch-light procession conducted the popular member to his family
+seat, The Kennel, Barks._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITERARY TURN.
+
+There was a case in the Edinburgh Court of Session the other day,
+which shows what is thought of authors north of the Tweed--and not by
+publishers, either. A witness remarked of a "defender" that "he was of
+a literary turn of mind, and he thought that spoiled him." Many persons
+have had similar thoughts, but they have generally refrained from
+uttering them quite so bluntly.
+
+  Mistress HATHAWAY rejoiced in a daughter christened ANNE,
+    Whose proceedings she regarded with concern;
+  Quoth she--"That WILLUM SHAKSPEARE as a son-in-law I ban.
+    Why? Because he has a literary turn."
+
+  Growled Sir W-LL-M, on perusal of a certain _Life of Pitt_--
+    "Well, we all unquestionably live and learn;
+  But, in spite of DIZZY'S precedent, I don't believe one bit
+    In a Premier with a literary turn."
+
+  Said W-LS-L-Y, when a recent work he blankly had surveyed--
+    "To answer this biography I yearn.
+  What an admirable soldier H-ML-Y might, perhaps, have made,
+    If he had not had a literary turn!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"JUST ON THE CARDS."--Herr IFF'S orchestra. In how
+uncertain a state of mind would a telegram from Herr IFF leave
+the giver of the entertainment who, having requested wire informing
+him whether Herr IFF and his band could come, should receive
+this reply: "_If can come will be there at hour stated._" This supposes
+that some well-informed, grammatical, telegraphic young lady-clerk has
+corrected the spelling of "IFF." _A propos_ of IFF, a
+complete entertainment would be a recital by the Veteran HOWE
+of WATTS' poems, accompanied by IFF'S band; and a
+reading from _Le Chateau d'If_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTELLIGIBLE, BUT NOT CLEAR.--"I think," said Mrs. R.'s
+married niece, "that good singing is quite wasted on an ordinary
+evening party. Now I remember an evening when SANTLEY sang in
+a crowded drawing-room at our house, and _a pin might have dropped!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DECISION. THE DR. G. TESTIMONIAL.--The _D. T._ is a good
+judge of popular sentiment, and, attired as a Judge, is _D. T. ermined_
+that '95 shall be remembered as "_the_ Year of GRACE."
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+109, July 20, 1895, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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