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diff --git a/44578-0.txt b/44578-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3435709 --- /dev/null +++ b/44578-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,37291 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44578 *** + + [** Transcriber's Note: + The [oe] ligature has been replaced with simply "oe". + The cross symbols have been replaced by [cross]. + Greek words have been transliterated, and enclosed in square + brackets, e.g. [Greek: kala reethra] + In the original, the Signs of the Zodiac song on page 397 contains + astrological symbols after each mention of the signs of the + zodiac. The symbols have been omitted in this text version. ] + + + + + [Illustration: GEORGE COLMAN, The Younger] + + + + BENTLEY'S + MISCELLANY + + + + VOL. I. + + + LONDON: + RICHARD BENTLEY, + NEW BURLINGTON STREET. + 1837. + + LONDON: + PRINTED BY SAMUEL BENTLEY, + Dormet Street, Fleet Street. + + + + + EDITOR'S ADDRESS + ON THE COMPLETION OF THE + FIRST VOLUME. + +At the end of a theatrical season it is customary for the manager to +step forward, and, in as few words as may be, to say how very much +obliged he feels for all past favours, and how very ready he is to incur +fresh obligations. + +With a degree of candour which few managers would display, we cheerfully +confess that we have been fairly inundated with _orders_ during our six +months' campaign; but so liberal are we, notwithstanding, that we place +many of the very first authors of the day on our free list, and invite +them to write for our establishment just as much paper as they think +proper. + +We have produced a great variety of novelties, some of which we humbly +hope may become stock pieces, and all of which we may venture to say +have been must successful; and, although we are not subject to the +control of a licenser, we have eschewed everything political, personal, +or ill-natured, with perhaps as much care as we could possibly have +shown, even had we been under the watchful eye of the Lord Chamberlain +himself. + +We shall open our Second Volume, ladies and gentlemen, on the first +day of July, One thousand eight hundred and thirty-seven, when we +shall have the pleasure of submitting a great variety of entirely new +pieces for your judgment and approval. The company will be numerous, +first-rate, and complete. The scenery will continue to be supplied by +the creative pencil of Mr. George Cruikshank; the whole of the extensive +and beautiful machinery will be, as heretofore, under the immediate +superintendence of Mr. Samuel Bentley, of Dorset-street, Fleet-street; +and Mr. Richard Bentley, of New Burlington-street, has kindly consented +to preside over the Treasury department, where he has already conducted +himself with uncommon ability. + +The stage management will again be confided, ladies and gentlemen, to +the humble individual with the short name, who has now the honour to +address you, and who hopes, for very many years to come, to appear +before you in the same capacity. Permit him to add in sober seriousness, +that it has been the constant and unremitting endeavour of himself and +the proprietor to render this undertaking worthy of your patronage. That +they have not altogether failed in their attempt, its splendid success +sufficiently demonstrates; that they have no intention of relaxing in +their efforts, its future Volumes we trust will abundantly testify. + + "BOZ." + _London,_ + _June, 1837._ + + + + + CONTENTS + OF THE FIRST VOLUME. + Page + + Songs of the Month--January, by "Father Prout;" 1 + February, by Dr. Maginn; 105 + March, by Samuel Lover; 325 + April, by W. H. Ainsworth; 429 + May and June, by J. A. Wade 533 + + Prologue, by Dr. Maginn 2 + Opening Chaunt 6 + Recollections of the late George Colman, by Theodore Hook 7 + The "Monstre" Balloon 17 + Handy Andy, by Samuel Lover 20,169,373 + Legend of Manor Hall, by the Author of "Headlong Hall" 29 + Terence O'Shaughnessy, by the Author of "Stories of Waterloo" 33 + The Sabine Farmer's Serenade, by Father Prout 45 + Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble, by Boz 49 + The Hot Wells of Clifton, by Father Prout 63 + The Marine Ghost, by the Author of "Rattlin the Reefer" 65 + Old Age and Youth, by T. Haynes Bayly 79 + An Evening of Visits, by the Author of "The Pilot" 80 + Who are you?--Metastasio, Fontenelle, and Samuel Lover 88 + Metropolitan Men of Science 89 + Kyan's Patent--the Nine Muses and the Dry-rot 93 + The Original of "Not a Drum was heard," by Father Prout 96 + A Gossip with some old English Poets, by C. Ollier 98 + The Rising Periodical; Mr. Verdant's Account of the last + aërial ascent, by T. Haynes Bayly 101 + An Italian Anecdote, by the Author of "Hajji Baba" 103 + Oliver Twist, or the Parish Boy's Progress, by Boz 105,218,326,430 + Richie Barter 116 + Plunder Creek, by the Author of "Tales of an Antiquary" 121 + The Spectre 131 + Authors and Actors, a dramatic sketch 132 + A Gossip with Lady Mary Wortley Montagu, by Hamilton Reynolds 138 + A Lament over the Bannister 151 + Theatrical Advertisement Extraordinary 152 + The Abbess and Duchess, by T. Haynes Bayly 153 + Edward Saville, by C. Whitehead 155 + A Fragment of Romance 165 + Lines on John Bannister, by Sir George Rose 168 + Lines to a Lyric and Artist 177 + Biographical Sketch of Richardson, by W. Jerdan 178 + Paddy Blake's Echo, by J. A. Wade 186 + Recollections of Childhood, by the author of "Headlong Hall" 187 + Epigrams 190,409,493,508 + 540,564,583,590 + Family Stories, by Thomas Ingoldsby: + No. I. Spectre of Tappington 191 + II. Legend of Hamilton Tighe 266 + III. Grey Dolphin 341 + IV. The Squire's Story 529 + V. The Execution, a Sporting Anecdote 561 + The Wide-awake Club 208 + A Remnant of the Time of Izaak Walton 230 + The "Original" Dragon, by C. J. Davids 231 + A Passage in the Life of Beaumarchais, by George Hogarth 233 + Mars and Venus, by C. F. Le Gros 247 + An Evening Meditation 250 + The Devil and Johnny Dixon, + by the Author of "Stories of Waterloo" 251 + A Merry Christmas, by T. Haynes Bayly 260 + Nights at Sea, by the Old Sailor: + No. I. The Captain's Cabin 269 + II. The White Squall 474 + III. The Chase and the Forecastle Yarn 621 + Remains of Hajji Baba, by the Author of "Zohrab" 280,364,487 + The Portrait Gallery, by the Author of "The Bee Hive" 286,442 + The Sorrows of Life 290 + Stray Chapters, by Boz: + No. I. The Pantomime of Life 291 + II. Particulars concerning a Lion 515 + Memoirs of Samuel Foote 298 + The Two Butlers of Kilkenny 306 + The Little Bit of Tape, by Richard Johns 313 + Hippothanasia, or the last of Tails, + a lamentable Tale, by W. Jerdan 319 + The Grand Cham of Tartary, by C. J. Davids 339 + The Dumb Waiter 340 + Friar Laurence and Juliet, by T. Haynes Bayly 354 + Unpublished Letters of Addison 356 + Sonnet to a Fog, by Egerton Webbe 371 + Biography of Aunt Jemima, by F. H. Rankin 382 + Scenes in the Life of a Gambler, by Captain Medwin 387 + Les Poissons d'Avril; a Gastronomical Chaunt, by Father Prout 397 + The Anatomy of Courage, by Prince Puckler Muskau 398 + Song of the Cover 402 + The Cobbler of Dort 403 + Hero and Leander, by T. Chapman 410 + The Admirable Crichton 416 + Memoirs of Sheridan 419 + Summer Night's Reverie, by J. A. Wade 428 + Peter Plumbago's Correspondence 448 + The Blue Wonder 450 + The Youth's Vade Mecum, by C. Whitehead 461 + A Visit to the Madrigal Society 465 + Love and Poverty 469 + Reflections in a Horse-pond 470 + Inscription for a Cemetery 473 + The Useful Young Man, by W. Collier 485 + A London Fog 492 + Shakspeare Papers, by Dr. Maginn: + No. I. Sir John Falstaff 495 + II. Jaques 550 + Steam Trip to Hamburgh 509 + Legend of Bohis Head 519 + Bob Burns and Beranger; Sam Lover and Ovidius Naso; + by "Father Prout" 525 + Periodical Literature of the North American Indians 534 + An Epitaph 540 + Darby the Swift, by J. A. Wade 541 + The Romance of a Day, by "The Bashful Irishman" 565 + The Man with the Tuft, by T. Haynes Bayly 576 + The Minister's Fate; from "Recollections of H. T." 577 + Love in the City, by the Author of "Stories of Waterloo" 584 + Mrs. Jennings 591 + Hints for an Historical Play, by Thomas Ingoldsby 597 + John Pooledoune, the Victim of Improvements, by W. Jerdan 599 + The Legend of Mount Pilate, by G. Dance 608 + Glorvina, the Maid of Meath, by J. Sheridan Knowles 614 + Ode upon the Birth-day of the Princess Victoria, by J. A. Wade 620 + + + + + ILLUSTRATIONS. + + Portrait of George Colman _Frontispiece_ + Handy Andy, No. I. by S. Lover Page 20 + Procession at the Inauguration of Mr. Tulrumble + as Mayor of Mudfog, by George Cruikshank 49 + Who are you? by S. Lover 88 + Oliver Twist, by George Cruikshank 105 + Handy Andy, No. II. by S. Lover 169 + Spectre of Tappington, by Buss 191 + Oliver Twist, No. II. by George Cruikshank 218 + Portrait of Samuel Foote, by Sir Joshua Reynolds 298 + The Little Bit of Tape, by Phiz 313 + Oliver Twist, No. III. by George Cruikshank 326 + Portrait of Richard Brinsley Sheridan, by Ozias Humphreys 419 + Oliver Twist, No. IV. by George Cruikshank 430 + Nights at Sea, by George Cruikshank 474 + The Romance of a Day, by George Cruikshank 565 + Nights at Sea, by George Cruikshank 621 + + + + + BENTLEY'S MISCELLANY. + + + + + OUR SONG OF THE MONTH. + No. I. January, 1837. + + + THE BOTTLE OF ST. JANUARIUS. + + I. + In the land of the citron and myrtle, we're told + That the blood of a MARTYR is kept in a phial, + Which, though all the year round, it lie torpid and cold, + Yet grasp but the crystal, 'twill _warm_ the first trial ... + Be it fiction or truth, with your favourite FACT, + O, profound LAZZARONI! I seek not to quarrel; + But indulge an old priest who would simply extract + From your legend, a lay--from your martyr, a moral. + + II. + Lo! with icicled beard JANUARIUS comes! + And the blood in his veins is all frozen and gelid, + And he beareth a bottle; but TORPOR benumbs + Every limb of the saint:--Would ye wish to dispel it? + With the hand of good-fellowship grasp the hoar sage-- + Soon his joints will relax and his pulse will beat quicker; + Grasp the _bottle_ he brings--'twill grow warm. I'll engage, + Till the frost of each heart lies dissolved in the LIQUOR! + + _Probatum est._ P. PROUT. + + WATER-GRASS-HILL, _Kal. Januarii_. + + + + + PROLOGUE. + + For us, and our Miscellany, + Here stooping to your clemency, + We beg your hearing patiently. + SHAKSPEARE, _with a difference_. + +"Doctor," said a young gentleman to Dean Swift, "I intend to set up for +a wit." + +"Then," said the Doctor, "I advise you to sit down again." + +The anecdote is unratified by a name, for the young gentleman continues +to the present day to be anonymous, as he will, in all probability, +continue to future time; and as for Dean Swift, his name, being merely +that of a wit by profession, goes for nothing. We apprehend that the +tale is not much better than what is to be read in the pages of +Joe Miller. + +But, supposing it true,--and the joke is quite bad enough to be +authentic,--we must put in our plea that it is not to apply to us. The +fact is absolutely undeniable that we originally advertised ourselves or +rather our work as, the "Wits' Miscellany,"--thereby indicating, beyond +all doubt, that we of the Miscellany were WITS. It is our firm hope that +the public, which is in general a most tender-hearted individual, will +not give us a rebuff similar to that which the unnamed young gentleman +experienced at the hands, or the tongue, of the implacable +Dean of St. Patrick. + +It has been frequently remarked,--and indeed we have more than +fifty times experienced the fact ourselves,--that of all the stupid +dinner-parties, by far the stupidest is that at which the cleverest men +in all the world do congregate. A single lion is a pleasant show: he +wags his tail in proper order; his teeth are displayed in due course; +his hide is systematically admired, and his mane fitly appreciated. +If he roars, good!--if he aggravates his voice to the note of a +sucking-dove, better! All look on in the appropriate mood of delight, +as Theseus and Hippolita, enraptured at the dramatic performance of +Snug the Joiner. But when there comes a menagerie of lions, the case +is altered. Too much familiarity, as the lawyers say in their peculiar +jargon, begets contempt. We recollect, many years ago, when some +ingenious artist in Paris proposed to make Brussels lace or blonde by +machinery at the rate of a _sou_ per ell, to have congratulated a lady +of our acquaintance on this important saving in the main expenditure +of the fair sex. "You will have," said we, "a cap which now costs four +hundred francs for less than fifty. Think of that!" + +"Think of that!" said the countess, casting upon us the darkest +expression of indignation that her glowing eyes [and what eyes they +were!--but no matter] could let loose,--"think of that, indeed! Do you +think that I should ever wear such rags as are to be bought for fifty +francs?" + +There was no arguing the matter: it was useless to say that the +fifty-franc article, if the plan had succeeded, (which, however, it did +not,) would have been precisely and in every thread the same as that set +down at five hundred. The crowd of fine things generated by cheapness, +in general, was quite enough to dim the finery of any portion of them +in particular. + +We are much afraid that we run somewhat loose of our original design +in these rambling remarks. But it is always easy to come back to the +starting-post. Abandoning metaphor and figure of all kinds, we were +endeavouring to express our conviction, drawn from experience, that +a company of professed wits might be justly suspected to be a dull +concern. Every man is on the alert to guard against surprise. + + Through all the seven courses laid down, + Each jester looks sour on his brother; + The wit dreads the punster's renown, + The buffoon tries the mimic to smother: + He who shines in the sharp repartee + Envies him who can yarn a droll story; + And the jolly bass voice in a glee + Will think your adagio but snory. + +This is, we admit at once, and in anticipation of the reader's already +expressed opinion, a very poor imitation of the opening song of the +Beggar's Opera. + +If this melancholy fact of the stupidity of congregated wits be +admitted to be true, the question comes irresistibly, thrown in our +faces in the very language of the street, "Who are _you_? Have not you +advertised yourselves as wits, and can you escape from the soft-headed +impeachment?" We reply nothing; we stand mute. It will be our time +this day twelvemonths to offer to the pensive public a satisfactory +replication to that somewhat personal interrogatory. Yet-- + +Having in our minds, and the interior _sensoria_ of our consciences, +some portion of modesty yet lingering behind--how small that portion +may be is best known to those who have campaigned for a few years upon +the press, and thence learned the diffident mildness which naturally +adheres to the pursuit of enlightening the public mind, and advancing +the march of general intellect;--possessed, we say, of that quantity of +retiring bashfulness, it is undeniable that, like one of the Passions +in Collins's Ode,--we forget which, but we fear it is Fear,--we, after +showing forth in the best public instructors as the Wits' Miscellany, + + Back recoiled, + Scared at the sound ourselves had made. + +To this resolution we were also led by the fact, that such a title would +altogether exclude from our pages contributions of great merit--which, +although exhibiting comic faculty, would also deal with the shadows of +human life, and sound the deep wells of the heart. + +We agreed that the work should not be called "The Wits'" any longer. We +massacred the title as ruthlessly as ever were massacred its namesakes +in Holland: and, agreeing to an _emendatio_, we now sail under the title +of our worthy publisher, which happens to be the same as that of him who +is by all _viri clarissimi_ adopted as _criticorum longè doctissimus_, +RICARDUS BENTLEIUS; or, to drop Latin lore--Richard Bentley. + +Here then, ladies and gentlemen, we introduce to your special and +particular notice + + + BENTLEY'S MISCELLANY. + +What may be in the Miscellany it is your business to find out. Here lie +the goods, warehoused, bonded, ticketed, and labelled, at your service. +You have only, with the Genius in the Arabian Nights' Entertainments, +to cry, "Fish, fish, do your duty;" and if they are under-cooked or +over-cooked, if the seasoning is too high or the fire too low, if they +be burnt on one side and raw on the other,--why, gentle readers, it is +your business to complain. All we have to say here, is, that we have +made our haul in the best fishing-grounds, and, if we were ambitious of +pun-making, we might add, that we had well baited our _hooks_--caught +some choice _souls_--flung our lines into right _places_--and so forth, +as might easily he expanded by the students of Mr. Commissioner Dubois's +art of punning made easy. + +What we propose is simply this:--We do not envy the fame or glory of +other monthly publications. Let them all have their room. We do not +desire to jostle them in their course to fame or profit, even if it +was in our power to do so. One may revel in the unmastered fun and +the soul-touching feeling of Wilson, the humour of Hamilton, the dry +jocularity and the ornamented poetry of Moir, the pathos of Warren, the +tender sentiment of Caroline Bowles, the eloquence of Croly, and the +Tory brilliancy of half a hundred contributors zealous in the cause of +Conservatism. Another may shake our sides with the drolleries of Gilbert +Gurney and his fellows, poured forth from the inexhaustible reservoir +of the wit of our contributor Theodore Hook,--captivate or agitate us by +the Hibernian Tales of Mrs. Hall,--or rouse the gentlest emotions by the +fascinating prose or delicious verse of our fairest of _collaborateuses_ +Miss Landon. In a third we must admire the polyglot facetiæ of our +own Father Prout, and the delicate appreciation of the classical and +elegant which pervades the writings of the Greek-thoughted Chapman; +while its rough drollery, its bold bearing, its mirth, its learning, its +courage, and its caricatures, (when, confined to the harmless and the +mirth-provoking, they abstain from invading the sanctuary of private +life,) are all deserving of the highest applause, though we should +be somewhat sorry to stand in the way of receiving the consequences +which they occasionally entail. Elsewhere, what can be better than +Marryat, Peter Simple, Jacob Faithful, Midshipman Easy, or whatever +other title pleases his ear; A Smollett of the sea revived, equal to +the Doctor in wit, and somewhat purged of his grossness. In short, to +all our periodical contemporaries we wish every happiness and success; +and for those among their contributors whose writings tend to amuse or +instruct,--and many among them there are to whom such praise may be +justly applied,--we feel the highest honour and respect. We wish that +we could catch them all, to illuminate our pages, without any desire +whatever that their rays should be withdrawn from those in which they +are at present shining. + +Our path is single and distinct. In the first place, we have nothing +to do with politics. We are so far Conservatives as to wish that all +things which are good and honourable for our native country should be +preserved with jealous hand. We are so far Reformers as to desire that +every weed which defaces our conservatory should be unsparingly plucked +up and cast away. But is it a matter of absolute necessity that people's +political opinions should be perpetually obtruded upon public notice? Is +there not something more in the world to be talked about than Whig and +Tory? We do not quarrel with those who find or make it their vocation to +show us annually, or quarterly, or hebdomadally, or diurnally, how we +are incontestably saved or ruined; they have chosen their line of walk, +and a pleasant one no doubt it is; but, for our softer feet may it not +be permitted to pick out a smoother and a greener promenade,--a path of +springy turf and odorous sward, in which no rough pebble will lacerate +the ancle, no briery thorn penetrate the wandering sole? + +Truce, however, to prefacing. We well know that speechmaking never yet +won an election, because something more tangible than speechifying +is requisite. So it is with books; and, indeed, so is it with every +thing else in the world. We must be judged by our works. We have only +one petition to make, which is put in with all due humility,--it is +this--that we are not to be pre-judged by this our first attempt. +Nothing is more probable than that many of our readers, and they +fair-going people too, will think this number a matter not at all to be +commended; and we, with perfect modesty, suggest, on the other side, the +propriety of their suspending their opinion as to our demerits until +they see the next. And then----And then! Well!--what then? Why, we do +not know: and, as it is generally ruled, that, when a man cannot speak, +he is bound to sing, we knock ourselves down for a song. + + + Our Opening Chaunt. + + I. + Come round and hear, my public dear, + Come hear, and judge it gently,-- + The prose so terse, and flowing verse, + Of us, the wits of Bentley. + + II. + We offer not intricate plot + To muse upon intently; + No tragic word, no bloody sword, + Shall stain the page of Bentley. + + III. + The tender song which all day long + Resounds so sentimént'ly, + Through wood and grove all full of love, + Will find no place in Bentley. + + IV. + Nor yet the speech which fain would teach + All nations eloquéntly;-- + 'Tis quite too grand for us the bland + And modest men of Bentley. + + V. + For science deep no line we keep, + We speak it reveréntly;-- + From sign to sign the sun may shine, + Untelescoped by Bentley. + + VI. + Tory and Whig, in accents big, + May wrangle violéntly: + Their party rage shan't stain the page-- + The neutral page of Bentley. + + VII. + The scribe whose pen is mangling men + And women pestiléntly, + May take elsewhere his wicked ware,-- + He finds no mart in Bentley. + + VIII. + It pains us not to mark the spot + Where Dan may find his rént lie; + The Glasgow chiel may shout for Peel, + We know them not in Bentley. + + IX. + Those who admire a merry lyre,-- + Those who would hear attent'ly + A tale of wit, or flashing hit,-- + Are ask'd to come to Bentley. + + X. + Our hunt will be for grace and glee, + Where thickest may the scent lie; + At slashing pace begins the chase-- + Now for the burst of Bentley. + + + + + GEORGE COLMAN. + +That a life of this eminent and much regretted man will be written +by some competent author, there can be little doubt. That he himself +extended his "_Random Records_" no further than two volumes, containing +the history and anecdotes of the early part of his career, is greatly +to be lamented. What is here collected is merely worthy of being called +"Recollections," and does not assume to itself the character of a piece +of biography. + +Mr. Colman was the grandson of Francis Colman, Esq. British Resident +at the Court of Tuscany at Pisa, who married a sister of the Countess +of Bath. George Colman the elder, father of him of whom we write, was +born about the year 1733, at Florence, and was placed at an early age +at Westminster School, where he very soon distinguished himself by the +rapidity of his attainments. In 1748 he went to Christchurch College, +Oxford, where he took his Master's degree; and shortly became the friend +and associate of Churchill, Bonnell Thornton, Lloyd, and the other +principal wits and writers of the day. + +Lord Bath was greatly struck by his merit and accomplishments, and +induced him to adopt the law as his profession. He accordingly entered +at Lincoln's Inn, and was eventually called to the bar. It appears--as +it happened afterwards to his son--that the drier pursuits of his +vocation were neglected or abandoned in favour of literature and the +drama. His first poetical performance was a copy of verses addressed to +his cousin, Lord Pulteney. But it was not till 1760 that he produced any +dramatic work: in that year he brought out "Polly Honeycombe," which met +with considerable success. + +It is remarkable that, previous to that season, no new comedy had been +produced at either theatre for nine years; and equally remarkable +that the year 1761 should have brought before the public "The Jealous +Wife," by Colman, "The way to Keep Him," by Murphy, and "The Married +Libertine," by Macklin. + +In the following year Lord Bath died, and left Mr. Colman a very +comfortable annuity, but less in value than he had anticipated. In +1767, General Pulteney, Lord Bath's successor, died, and left him a +second annuity, which secured him in independence for life. And here it +may be proper to notice a subject which George Colman the younger has +touched before in his "Random Records," in which he corrects a hasty and +incautious error of the late Margravine of Anspach, committed by her, in +her "Memoirs." Speaking of George Colman the elder, she says, + +"He was a natural son of Lord Bath, Sir James Pulteney; and his father, +perceiving in the son a passion for plays, asked him fairly if he never +intended to turn his thoughts to politics, as it was his desire to see +him a minister, which, with his natural endowments, and the expense and +pains he had bestowed on his education, he had reason to imagine, with +his interest, he might become. His _father_ desired to know if he would +give up the Muses for diplomacy, and plays for politics; as, in that +case, he meant to give him his whole fortune. Colman thanked Lord Bath +for his kind communication, but candidly said, that he preferred Thalia +and Melpomene to ambition of any kind, for the height of his wishes was +to become, at some future time, the manager of a theatre. Lord Bath left +him fifteen hundred pounds a-year, instead of all his immense wealth." + +Mr. Colman, after exposing the strange mistake of calling _the_ +Sir William Pulteney, James, goes on to state, that, being the son +of his wife's sister, Lord Bath, on the death of Francis Colman +(his brother-in-law), which occurred when the elder George was but +one year old, took him entirely under his protection, and placed +him progressively at Westminster, Oxford, and Lincoln's Inn. In +corroboration of the else unquestioned truth of this statement, he +refers to the posthumous pamphlets of his highly-gifted parent, and +justly takes credit for saving him from imputed illegitimacy, by +explaining that his grandmother was exempt from the conjugal frailty of +Venus, and his grandfather from the fate of Vulcan. + +George Colman the elder suffered severely from the effects of a +paralytic affection, which, in the year 1790, produced mental +derangement; and, after living in seclusion for four years, he died on +the 14th of April 1794, having been during his life a joint proprietor +of Covent Garden Theatre, and sole proprietor of the little theatre in +the Haymarket. + +George Colman the younger became, at Westminster, the schoolfellow and +associate of the present Archbishop of York, the Marquess of Anglesea, +the late Earl of Buckinghamshire, Doctor Robert Willis, Mr. Reynolds, +his brother dramatist, the present Earl Somers, and many other persons, +who have since, like himself, become distinguished members of society. + +The account which Mr. Colman gives of his introduction by his father to +Johnson, Goldsmith, and Foote, when a child, is so highly graphic, and +so strongly characteristic of the man, that we give an abridgement +of it here: + +"On the day of my introduction," says Colman, "Dr. Johnson was asked to +dinner at my father's house in Soho-square, and the erudite savage came +a full hour before his time. My father, having dressed himself hastily, +took me with him into the drawing-room. + +"On our entrance, we found Johnson sitting in a _fauteuil_ of +rose-coloured satin. He was dressed in a rusty suit of brown, cloth +_dittos_, with black worsted stockings; his old yellow wig was of +formidable dimensions; and the learned head which sustained it rolled +about in a seemingly paralytic motion; but, in the performance of its +orbit, it inclined chiefly to one shoulder. + +"He deigned not to rise on our entrance; and we stood before him while +he and my father talked. There was soon a pause in the colloquy; +and my father, making his advantage of it, took me by the hand, and +said,--'Dr. Johnson, this is a little Colman.' The doctor bestowed a +slight ungracious glance upon me, and, continuing the rotary motion +of his head, renewed the previous conversation. Again there was a +pause;--again the anxious father, who had failed in his first effort, +seized the opportunity for pushing his progeny, with--'This is my son, +Dr. Johnson.' The great man's contempt for me was now roused to wrath; +and, knitting his brows, he exclaimed in a voice of thunder, 'I _see_ +him, sir!' He then fell back in his rose-coloured satin _fauteuil_, +as if giving himself up to meditation; implying that he would not be +further plagued, either with an old fool or a young one. + +"After this rude rebuff from the doctor, I had the additional felicity +to be placed next to him at dinner: he was silent over his meal; but +I observed that he was, as Shylock says of Lancelot Gobbo, 'a huge +feeder;' and during the display of his voracity, (which was worthy of +_Bolt_ Court,) the perspiration fell in copious drops from his visage +upon the table-cloth." + +"Oliver Goldsmith, several years before my luckless presentation to +Johnson, proved how 'doctors differ.' I was only five years old when +Goldsmith took me on his knee, while he was drinking coffee, one +evening, with my father, and began to play with me; which amiable act I +returned with the ingratitude of a peevish brat, by giving him a very +smart slap in the face; it must have been a tingler, for it left the +marks of my little spiteful paw upon his cheek. This infantile outrage +was followed by summary justice; and I was locked up by my indignant +father in an adjoining room, to undergo solitary imprisonment in the +dark. Here I began to howl and scream most abominably; which was no bad +step towards liberation, since those who were not inclined to pity me +might be likely to set me free, for the purpose of abating a nuisance. + +"At length a generous friend appeared to extricate me from jeopardy, +and that generous friend was no other than the man I had so wantonly +molested by assault and battery; it was the tender-hearted doctor +himself, with a lighted candle in his hand, and a smile upon his +countenance, which was still partially red from the effects of my +petulance. I sulked and sobbed, and he fondled and soothed; till I began +to brighten. Goldsmith, who, in regard to children, was like the village +preacher he has so beautifully described,--for + + 'Their welfare pleased him, and their cares distressed,'-- + +seized the propitious moment of returning good-humour; so he put down +the candle, and began to conjure. He placed three hats, which happened +to be in the room, upon the carpet, and a shilling under each: the +shillings he told me, were England, France, and Spain. 'Hey, presto, +cockolorum!' cried the doctor,--and, lo! on uncovering the shillings +which had been dispersed, each beneath a separate hat, they were all +found congregated under one. I was no politician at five years old, +and, therefore, might not have wondered at the sudden revolution which +brought England, France, and Spain all under one crown; but, as I was +also no conjuror, it amazed me beyond measure. Astonishment might have +amounted to awe for one who appeared to me gifted with the power of +performing miracles, if the good-nature of the man had not obviated my +dread of the magician; but, from that time, whenever the doctor came to +visit my father, + + 'I pluck'd his gown, to share the good man's smile; + +a game at romps constantly ensued, and we were always cordial friends, +and merry play-fellows. + +"Foote's earliest notices of me were far from flattering; but, though +they had none of Goldsmith's tenderness, they had none of Johnson's +ferocity; and when he accosted me with his usual salutation of 'Blow +your nose, child!' there was a whimsical manner, and a broad grin upon +his features, which always made me laugh. + +"His own nose was generally begrimed with snuff; and, if he had never +been more facetious than upon the subject of my _emunctories_, which, +by the bye, did not went cleansing, I need not tell the reader, that he +would not have been distinguished as a wit;--he afterwards condescended +to pass better jokes upon me. + +"The paradoxical celebrity which he maintained upon the stage was very +singular; his satirical sketches were scarcely dramas, and he could not +be called a good legitimate performer. Yet there is no Shakspeare or +Roscius upon record who, like Foote, supported a theatre for a series of +years by his own acting, in his own writings, and, for ten years of the +time, upon a _wooden leg_!" + +The reader, if he have not seen these passages before, will, we are +sure, sympathise with us in our regrets that the work from which we +extract them, carries us only in its two volumes to the year 1785,--a +period at which Colman's fame and reputation had yet to be made. + +His first decidedly successful drama was "Inkle and Yarico:" this at +once established his character as an author. "Ways and Means," "The +Mountaineers," and "The Iron Chest" followed; and in 1798 he published +those admirable poems known as "My Night-gown and Slippers." His +greatest literary triumphs were, however, yet to come. "The Heir at Law" +was his first regular comedy; and we doubt very much whether he ever +excelled it, or, indeed, if it has been excelled by more than a very few +plays in the English language. We know that the theatrical world, and +we believe the author himself, gave a decided preference to "John Bull;" +but we admit that as we are unfashionable enough to prefer Sheridan's +"Rivals" to his "School for Scandal," so are we prepared unhesitatingly +to declare our opinion that "The Heir at Law" is Colman's +_chef d'oeuvre_. + +"The Poor Gentleman" is an excellent play; and "Who wants a Guinea?" +although not so decidedly successful as its predecessors, teems +with that rich humour and quaintness of thought which so strongly +characterise the writing of its author. His farces of "The Review," +"Love laughs at Locksmiths," "We fly by Night," and several others, +are all admirable in their way. These were given to the town as the +reductions of Arthur Griffinhoofe, a _nom de guerre_, however, which +proved quite inefficient in making the public mistake the source whence +their amusement was derived. + +In 1819, Mr. Colman finally retired from the proprietorship and +management of the Haymarket Theatre. Upon the escape and flight from +England of Captain Davis, the lieutenant of the Yeoman Guard, his +Majesty George the Fourth appointed Mr. Colman to succeed him; and on +the death of Mr. Larpent he also received the appointment of Examiner +of Plays. The former office he relinquished in favour of Sir John Gete, +some three or four years since; and in the latter he has, as our readers +know, been succeeded by Mr. Charles Kemble. + +It would be unjust and unfair to the memory of Mr. Colman were we to +let slip this opportunity of saying a few words upon the subject of his +conduct in the execution of the duties of this situation; because it +has been made the object of attack even by men of the highest talent +and reputation, as well as the low ribald abuse of their literary +inferiors,--which, however, considering the source whence it came, is +not worth noticing. + +It has been alleged that Mr. Colman was unnecessarily rigid in his +exclusion of oaths and profane sayings from the dramatic works submitted +to his inspection; and the gist of the arguments against him touching +this rigour went to show that he ought not to expunge such expressions +as examiner, because he had used such expressions himself as an author. +This reasoning is absurd, the conclusion inconsequential. When Mr. +Colman wrote plays, he was not bound by oath to regulate their language +by any fixed standard; and, as all other dramatists of the day had done, +in a dialogue or depicting a character he used in some--perhaps all +his dramas--occasional expletives. But Mr. Colman's plays then had to +be submitted to an examiner, who, conscientiously, did his duty; and, +from the high moral character of the late licenser, there can be little +lesson for doubting that _he_, like his successor, drew his pen across +any expression which he might have considered objectionable; but no one +ever complained of this, because Mr. Larpent had never written a play, +or used an oath in its dialogues. + +When Mr. Colman assumed the legal and necessary power of correction, +he had but one course to pursue: he was sworn to perform a certain +duty assigned to him to the best of his judgment, and to correct any +expressions which he might consider injurious to the state or to +morality. What had _he_ to do, as licenser, with what he had himself +done as author? The _tu quoque_ principle in this use is even more than +usually absurd; it is as if a schoolmaster were to be prevented from +flogging a boy for breaking windows, because, when he was a boy, he had +broken windows himself. + +As we have already stated that it is not our intention to make these +few pages a piece of biography, we shall leave to some better qualified +person to give the more minute details of Mr. Colman's life. The +following lines, written by himself, now many years since, and when +he himself was under fifty, give as good an epitome of his career up +to that period as fifty pages of matter-of-fact; and from that time +until the occurrence of the sad event to which the last stanza, so +pathetically--as it _now_ reads--refers, he lived on in happiness +and comfort. + + + A RECKONING WITH TIME. + + I. + Come on, old Time!--Nay, that is stuff; + Gaffer! thou comest fast enough; + Wing'd foe to feather'd Cupid!-- + But tell me, Sand-man, ere thy grains + Have multiplied upon my brains, + So thick to make me stupid;-- + + II. + Tell me, Death's journeyman!--But no! + Hear thou my speech: I will not grow + Irreverent while I try it; + For, though I mock thy flight, 'tis said + The forelock fills me with such dread, + I never take thee by it. + + III. + List, then, old Is, Was, and To-be; + I'll state accounts 'twixt thee and me. + Thou gav'st me, first, the measles; + With teething would'st have ta'en me off; + Then mad'st me, with the hooping-cough, + Thinner than fifty weasels; + + IV. + Thou gav'st small-pox, (the dragon now + That Jenner combats on a cow,) + And then some seeds of knowledge,-- + Grains of Grammar, which the flails + Of pedants thresh upon our tails, + To fit us for a college. + + V. + And, when at Christ-Church, 'twas thy sport + To rack my brains with sloe-juice port, + And lectures out of number! + There Freshman Folly quaffs and sings, + While Graduate Dullness clogs thy wings + With mathematic lumber. + + VI. + Thy pinions next,--which, while they wave, + Fan all our birth-days to the grave,-- + I think, ere it was prudent, + Balloon'd me from the schools to town, + Where I was parachuted down, + A dapper Temple student. + + VII. + Then, much in dramas did I look,-- + Much slighted thee and great Lord Coke: + Congreve beat Blackstone hollow; + Shakspeare made all the statues stale, + And in my crown no pleas had Hale + To supersede Apollo. + + VIII. + Ah! Time, those raging heats, I find, + Were the mere dog-star of my mind; + How cool is retrospection! + Youth's gaudy summer solstice o'er, + Experience yields a mellow store,-- + An autumn of reflection! + + IX. + Why did I let the God of song + Lure me from law to join his throng, + Gull'd by some slight applauses? + What's verse to A. when versus B.? + Or what John Bull, a comedy, + To pleading John Bull's causes! + + X. + Yet, though my childhood felt disease,-- + Though my lank purse, unswoll'n by fees, + Some ragged Muse has netted,-- + Still, honest Chronos! 'tis most true, + To thee (and, 'faith! to others too,) + I'm very much indebted. + + XI. + For thou hast made me gaily tough, + Inured me to each day that's rough, + In hopes of calm to-morrow. + And when, old mower of us all, + Beneath thy sweeping scythe I fall, + Some few dear friends will sorrow. + + XII. + Then, though my idle prose or rhyme + Should, half an hour, outlive me, Time, + Pray bid the stone-engravers, + Where'er my bones find church-yard room, + Simply to chisel on my tomb,-- + "Thank Time for all his favours!" + +It is a curious coincidence--although considering the proximity of +their ages there may be nothing really strange in it--that Mr. Colman +and his intimate friend Bannister should have quitted this mortal world +so nearly at the same time. The circumstance, however, gives us an +opportunity of bringing their names together in a manner honourable to +both. We derive the anecdote from the "Random Records;" and we think +it will be at this juncture favourably received by those who admire +dramatic authors and actors, and who rejoice to see traits of private +worth the concomitants of public excellence. + +After recounting the circumstances of his first acquaintance with +Bannister, Mr. Colman says, + +"In the year of my return from Aberdeen, 1784, unconscious of fear +through ignorance of danger, I rushed into early publicity as an avowed +dramatist. My father's illness in 1789 obliged me to undertake the +management of his theatre; which, having purchased at his demise, I +continued to manage as my own. During such progression, up to the year +1796 inclusive, I scribbled many dramas for the Haymarket, and one for +Drury-lane; in almost all of which the younger Bannister (being engaged +at both theatres) performed a prominent character; so that, for most of +the thirteen years I have enumerated, he was of the greatest importance +to my theatrical prosperity in my double capacity of author and manager; +while I was of some service to him by supplying him with new characters. +These reciprocal interests made us, of course, such close colleagues, +that our almost daily consultations promoted amity, while they forwarded +business. + +"From this last-mentioned period, (1796,) we were led by our +speculations, one after the other, into different tracks. He had +arrived at that height of London popularity when his visits to various +provincial theatres in the summer were productive of much more money +than my scale of expense in the Haymarket could afford to give him. As +he wintered it, however, in Drury-lane, I profited for two years more by +his acting in the pieces which I produced there. I then began to write +for the rival house in Covent Garden, and this parted us as author and +actor: but separating, as we did, through accident, and with the kindest +sentiments for each other, it was not likely that we should forget or +neglect further to cultivate our mutual regard: that regard is now so +mellowed by time that it will never cease till Time himself,--who, in +ripening our friendship, has been all the while whetting his scythe for +the friends,--shall have mowed down the men, and gathered in his harvest. + +"One trait of Bannister, in our worldly dealings with each other, will +nearly bring me to the close of this chapter. + +"In the year 1807, after having slaved at some dramatic composition,--I +forget what,--I had resolved to pass one entire week in luxurious sloth. + +"At this crisis,--just as I was beginning the first morning's sacrifice +upon the altar of my darling goddess, Indolence,--enter Jack Bannister, +with a huge manuscript under his left arm!--This, he told me, consisted +of loose materials for an entertainment, with which he meant to "skirr +the country," under the title of BANNISTER'S BUDGET; but, unless I +reduced the chaos into some order for him, and that _instantly_,--he +should lose his tide, and with it his emoluments for the season. In such +a case there was no balancing between two alternatives, so I deserted my +darling goddess to drudge through the week for my old companion. + +"To concoct the crudities he had brought me, by polishing, expunging, +adding,--in short, almost re-writing them,--was, it must be confessed, +labouring under the "horrors of digestion;" but the toil was completed +at the week's end, and away went Jack Bannister into the country with +his BUDGET. + +"Several months afterwards he returned to town; and I inquired, of +course, what success?--So great, he answered, that in consequence of the +gain which had accrued to him through my means, and which he was certain +would still accrue, (as he now considered the Budget to be an annual +income for some years to come,) he must insist upon cancelling a bond +which I had given him, for money he had lent to me. I was astounded; for +I had never dreamt of fee or reward. + +"To prove that he was in earnest, I extract a paragraph from a latter +which he wrote to me from Shrewsbury. + +"'For fear of accidents, I think it necessary to inform you that +Fladgate, your attorney, is in possession of your bond to me of £700; as +I consider it _fully discharged_, it is but proper you should have this +acknowledgment under my hand. J.B.' + +"Should my unostentatious friend think me indelicate in publishing this +anecdote, I can only say, that it naturally appertains to the sketch +I have given of our co-operations in life; and that the insertion of +it here seems almost indispensable, in order to elucidate my previous +statement of our having blended so much _sentiment_ with so much +_traffic_. I feel, too, that it would be downright injustice to him +if I suppressed it; and would betoken in myself the pride of those +narrow-minded persons who are ashamed of acknowledging how greatly they +have profited by the liberal spirit of others. + +"The bond above mentioned was given, be it observed, on a private +account; not for money due to an actor for his professional assistance. +Gilliland, in his 'Dramatic Mirror,' says that my admission of partners +'enabled the proprietors to completely liquidate all the demands which +had for some time past involved the house in temporary embarrassments.' +This is a gross mistake; the Haymarket Theatre was _never_ embarrassed +(on the contrary, it was a prosperous speculation) while under my +direction. My own difficulties during part of this time are another +matter: I may touch _slightly_ on this hereafter; but shall not bore my +readers by dwelling long on matters which (however they may have +annoyed _me_) cannot entertain or interest _them_. + +"I regret following up one instance of Mr. Gilliland's inaccuracy +immediately with another; but he asserts, in his 'Dramatic Mirror,' that +J. Bannister, 'in the season 1778, made his appearance for the benefit +of his father, _on the boards of Old Drury_.' In contradiction to the +foregoing statement a document now lies before me,--I transcribe it +verbatim: + +"'First appearance, _at the Haymarket_, for my father's benefit, +1778, in The Apprentice. First appearance at Drury-lane, 1779, in +Zaphna, in Mahomet. Took leave of the stage at Drury-lane, Thursday, +June 1st, 1815. Garrick instructed me in the four first parts I +played,--the Apprentice; Zaphna (Mahomet); Dorilas (Merope); and Achmet +(Barbarossa).--Jack Bannister, to his dear friend George Colman. June +30th, 1828.'" + +These memoranda, under the circumstances, are curious and +affecting.--Death _has_ gathered in his harvest, and both the +men _are_ gone. + +Of Mr. Colman's delightful manners and conversational powers no words +can give any adequate idea: with all the advantages of extensive +reading, a general knowledge of mankind, and an inexhaustible fund of +wit and humour, he blended a joyousness of expression, a kindness of +feeling, and a warmth of manner, which rendered him the much-sought +companion of every circle of society in which he chose to mix. Of his +literary talents all the world can judge; but it is only those who have +known him in private life who can appreciate the qualities which we +despair of being able justly to describe. + + + IMPROMPTU BY THE LATE GEORGE COLMAN. + +About a year since, a young lady begged this celebrated wit to write +some verses in her album: he shook his head; but, good-naturedly +promising to try, at once extemporised the following,--most probably his +last written and poetical jest. + + My muse and I, ere youth and spirits fled, + Sat up together many a night, no doubt; + But now, I've sent the poor old lass to bed, + Simply because _my fire is going out_. + + + + + THE "MONSTRE" BALLOON. + + Oh! the balloon, the great balloon! + It left Vauxhall one Monday at noon, + And every one said we should hear of it soon + With news from Aleppo or Scanderoon. + But very soon after, folks changed their tune: + "The netting had burst--the silk--the shalloon; + It had met with a trade-wind--a deuced monsoon-- + It was blown out to sea--it was blown to the moon-- + They ought to have put off their journey till June; + Sure none but a donkey, a goose, or baboon, + Would go up, in November, in any balloon!" + + Then they talk'd about Green--"Oh! where's Mister Green? + And where's Mister Hollond who hired the machine? + And where is Monk Mason, the man that has been + Up so often before--twelve times or thirteen-- + And who writes such nice letters describing the scene? + And where's the cold fowl, and the ham, and poteen? + The press'd beef with the fat cut off,--nothing but lean? + And the portable soup in the patent tureen? + Have they got to Grand Cairo? or reached Aberdeen? + Or Jerusalem--Hamburgh--or Ballyporeen?-- + No! they have not been seen! Oh! they haven't been seen!" + + Stay! here's Mister Gye--Mr. Frederick Gye. + "At Paris," says he, "I've been up very high, + A couple of hundred of toises, or nigh, + A cockstride the Tuilleries' pantiles, to spy, + With Dollond's best telescope stuck at my eye, + And my umbrella under my arm like Paul Pry, + But I could see nothing at all but the sky; + So I thought with myself 'twas of no use to try + Any longer; and feeling remarkably dry + From sitting all day stuck up there, like a Guy, + I came down again and--you see--here am I!" + + But here's Mister Hughes!--What says young Mr. Hughes? + "Why, I'm sorry to say, we've not got any news + Since the letter they threw down in one of their shoes, + Which gave the Mayor's nose such a deuce of a bruise, + As he popp'd up his eye-glass to look at their cruise + Over Dover; and which the folks flock'd to peruse + At Squier's bazaar, the same evening, in crews, + Politicians, newsmongers, town council, and blues, + Turks, heretics, infidels, jumpers, and Jews, + Scorning Bachelor's papers, and Warren's reviews; + But the wind was then blowing towards Helvoetsluys, + And my father and I are in terrible stews, + For so large a balloon is a sad thing to lose!" + + Here's news come at last! Here's news come at last! + A vessel's arrived, which has sail'd very fast; + And a gentleman serving before the mast, + Mister Nokes, has declared that "the party has past + Safe across to the Hague, where their grapnel they cast + As a fat burgomaster was staring aghast + To see such a monster come home on the blast, + And it caught in his breeches, and there it stuck fast!" + + Oh! fie! Mister Nokes,--for shame, Mister Nokes! + To be poking your fun at us plain-dealing folks-- + Sir, this isn't a time to be cracking your jokes, + And such jesting, your malice but scurvily cloaks; + Such a trumpery tale every one of us smokes, + And we know very well your whole story's a hoax! + + "Oh! what shall we do? oh! where will it end? + Can nobody go? Can nobody send + To Calais--or Bergen-op-zoom--or Ostend? + Can't you go there yourself? Can't you write to a friend, + For news upon which we may safely depend?" + + Huzzah! huzzah! one and eight-pence to pay + For a letter from Hamborough, just come to say + They descended at Weilburg about break of day; + And they've lent them the palace there, during their stay, + And the town is becoming uncommonly gay, + And they're feasting the party, and soaking their clay + With Johannisberg, Rudesheim, Moselle, and Tokay; + And the landgraves, and margraves, and counts beg and prey + That they won't think as yet, about going away; + Notwithstanding, they don't mean to make much delay, + But pack up the balloon in a waggon or dray, + And pop themselves into a German "_po-shay_," + And get on to Paris by Lisle and Tournay; + Where they boldly declare, any wager they'll lay, + If the gas people there do not ask them to pay + Such a sum as must force them at once to say "Nay," + They'll inflate the balloon in the Champs Elysées, + And be back again here, the beginning of May. + + Dear me! what a treat for a juvenile _féte_! + What thousands will flock their arrival to greet! + There'll be hardly a soul to be seen in the street, + For at Vauxhall the whole population will meet, + And you'll scarcely get standing-room, much less a seat, + For this all preceding attraction must beat:-- + + Since, there they'll unfold, what we want to be told, + How they cough'd, how they sneez'd, how they shiver'd with cold, + How they tippled the "cordial," as racy and old + As Hodges, or Deady, or Smith ever sold, + And how they all then felt remarkably bold; + How they thought the boil'd beef worth its own weight in gold; + And how Mister Green was beginning to scold + Because Mister Hollond would try to lay hold + Of the moon, and had very near overboard roll'd. + + And there they'll be seen--they'll be all to be seen! + The great-coats, the coffee-pot, mugs, and tureen! + With the tight-rope, and fire-works, and dancing between, + If the weather should only prove fair and serene. + And there, on a beautiful transparent screen, + In the middle you'll see a large picture of Green, + With Holland on one side, who hired the machine, + And Monk Mason on t'other, describing the scene; + And Fame on one leg in the air, like a queen, + With three wreaths and a trumpet, will over them lean; + While Envy, in serpents and black bombazine, + Looks on from below with an air of chagrin. + + Then they'll play up a tune in the Royal Saloon, + And the people will dance by the light of the moon, + And keep up the ball till the next day at noon; + And the peer and the peasant, the lord and the loon, + The haughty grandee, and the low picaroon, + The six-foot life-guardsman, and little gossoon, + Will all join in three cheers for the "monstre" balloon. + + + + + HANDY ANDY. + +Andy Rooney was a fellow who had the most singularly ingenious knack of +doing every thing the wrong way; disappointment awaited on all affairs +in which he bore a part, and destruction was at his fingers' ends: so +the nick-name the neighbours stuck upon him was Handy Andy, and the +jeering jingle pleased them. + +Andy's entrance into this world was quite in character with his after +achievements, for he was nearly the death of his mother. She survived, +however, to have herself clawed almost to death while her darling babby +was in arms, for he would not take his nourishment from the parent fount +unless he had one of his little red fists twisted into his mother's +hair, which he dragged till he made her roar; while he diverted the pain +by scratching her till the blood came, with the other. Nevertheless she +swore he was "the loveliest and sweetest craythur the sun ever shined +upon;" and when he was able to run about and wield a little stick, and +smash every thing breakable belonging to her, she only praised his +precocious powers, and used to ask, "Did ever any one see a darlin' of +his age handle a stick so bowld as he did?" + +Andy grew up in mischief and the admiration of his mammy; but, to do him +justice, he never meant harm in the course of his life, and was most +anxious to offer his services on all occasions to any one who would +accept them; but they were only those who had not already proved Andy's +peculiar powers. + +There was a farmer hard by in this happy state of ignorance, named Owen +Doyle, or, as he was familiarly called, _Owny na Coppal_, or, "Owen of +the Horses," because he bred many of these animals, and sold them at +the neighbouring fairs; and Andy one day offered his services to Owny +when he was in want of some one to drive up a horse to his house from a +distant "bottom," as low grounds by a river side are always called in +Ireland. + +"Oh, he's wild, Andy, and you'd never be able to ketch him," said +Owny.--"Throth, an' I'll engage I'll ketch him if you'll let me go. I +never seen the horse I couldn't ketch, sir," said Andy. + +"Why, you little spridhogue, if he took to runnin' over the long bottom, +it 'ud be more than a day's work for you to folly him."--"Oh, but he +won't run." + +"Why won't he run?"--"Bekase I won't make him run." + +"How can you help it?"--"I'll soother him." + +"Well, you're a willin' brat, any how; and so go, and God speed you!" +said Owny. + +"Just gi' me a wisp o' hay an' a han'ful iv oats," said Andy, "if I +should have to coax him."--"Sartinly," said Owny, who entered the stable +and came forth with the articles required by Andy, and a halter for the +horse also. + + [Illustration: Handy Andy] + +"Now, take care," said Owny, "that you're able to ride that horse if you +get on him."--"Oh, never fear, sir. I can ride owld Lanty Gubbin's mule +betther nor any o' the other boys on the common, and he couldn't throw +me th' other day, though he kicked the shoes av him." + +"After that you may ride any thing," said Owny: and indeed it was true; +for Lanty's mule, which fed on the common, being ridden slily by all the +young vagabonds in the neighbourhood, had become such an adept in the +art of getting rid of his troublesome customers, that it might be well +considered a feat to stick on him. + +"Now, take grate care of him, Andy, my boy," said the farmer.--"Don't be +afeard sir," said Andy, who started on his errand in that peculiar pace +which is elegantly called a "sweep's trot;" and as the river lay between +Owny Doyle's and the bottom, and was too deep for Andy to ford at that +season, he went round by Dinny Dowling's mill, where a small wooden +bridge crossed the stream. + +Here he thought he might as well secure the assistance of Paudeen, the +miller's son, to help him in catching the horse; an he looked about the +place until he found him, and, telling him the errand on which he was +going, said, "If you like to come wid me, we can both have a ride." This +was temptation sufficient for Paudeen, and the boys proceeded together +to the bottom, and they were not long in securing the horse. When they +had got the halter over his head, "Now," said Andy, "give me a lift on +him;" and accordingly by Paudeen's catching Andy's left foot in both +his hands clasped together in the fashion of a stirrup, he hoisted +his friend on the horse's back; and, as soon as he was secure there, +Master Paudeen, by the aid of Andy's hand contrived to scramble up after +him; upon which Andy applied his heels into the horse's side with many +vigorous kicks, and crying "Hurrup!" at the same time, endeavoured to +stimulate Owny's steed into something of a pace as he turned his head +towards the mill. + +"Sure aren't you going to crass the river?" said Paudeen.--"No, I'm +going to lave you at home." + +"Oh, I'd rather go up to Owny's, and it's the shortest way acrass the +river."--"Yes but I don't like--" + +"Is it afeard you are?" said Paudeen.--"Not I, indeed," said Andy; +though it was really the fact, for the width of the stream startled him; +"but Owny towld me to take grate care o' the baste and I'm loath to wet +his feet." + +"Go 'long wid you, you fool! what harm would it do him? Sure he's +neither sugar nor salt that he'd melt." + +"Well, I won't, any how," said Andy, who by this time had got the +horse into a good high trot, that shook every word of argument out of +Paudeen's body; besides, it was as much as the boys could do to keep +their seats on Owny's Bucephalus, who was not long in reaching the +miller's bridge. Here voice and rein were employed to pull him in, that +he might cross the narrow wooden structure at a quiet pace. But whether +his double load had given him the idea of double exertion, or that the +pair of legs on each side sticking into his flanks (and perhaps the +horse was ticklish) made him go the faster, we know not: but the horse +charged the bridge as if an Enniskilliner were on his back, and an enemy +before him; and in two minutes his hoofs cluttered like thunder on the +bridge, that did not bend beneath him. No, it did _not_ bend, but it +broke: proving the falsehood of the boast, "I may break, but I won't +bend:" for, after all, the really strong may bend, and be as strong as +ever: it is the unsound, that has only the seeming of strength, that +breaks at last when it resists too long. + +Surprising was the spin the young equestrians took over the ears of the +horse, enough to make all the artists of Astley's envious; and plump +they went into the river, where each formed his own ring, and executed +some comical "scenes in the circle," which were suddenly changed to +evolutions on the "flying cord" that Dinny Dowling threw the performers, +which became suddenly converted into a "tight rope" as he dragged +the _voltigeurs_ out of the water; and, for fear their blood might +be chilled by the accident, he gave them both an enormous thrashing +with the _dry_ end of the rope, just to restore circulation; and his +exertions, had they been witnessed, would have charmed the Humane +Society. + +As for the horse, his legs stuck through the bridge, as though he had +been put in a _chiroplast_, and he went playing away on the water with +considerable execution, as if he were accompanying himself in the song +which he was squealing at the top of his voice. Half the saws, hatchets, +ropes, and poles in the parish were put in requisition immediately; and +the horse's first lesson in _chiroplastic_ exercise was performed with +no other loss than some skin and a good deal of hair. Of course Andy did +not venture on taking Owny's horse home; so the miller sent him to his +owner with an account of the accident. Andy for years kept out of Owny +na Coppal's way; and at any time that his presence was troublesome, the +inconvenienced party had only to say, "Isn't that Owny na Coppal coming +this way?" and Andy fled for his life, + +When Andy grew up to what in country parlance is called "a brave lump +of a boy," his mother thought he was old enough to do something for +himself; so she took him one day along with her to the squire's, and +waited outside the door, loitering up and down the yard behind the +house, among a crowd of beggars and great lazy dogs that were thrusting +their herds into every iron pot that stood outside the kitchen door, +until chance might give her "a sight o' the squire afore he wint out +or afore he wint in;" and, after spending her entire day in this idle +way, at last the squire made his appearance, and Judy presented her son, +who kept scraping his foot, and pulling his forelock, that stuck out +like a piece of ragged thatch from his forehead, making his obeisance +to the squire, while his mother was sounding his praises for being the +"handiest craythur alive--and so willin'--nothing comes wrong to him." + +"I suppose the English of all this is, you want me to take him?" said +the squire.--"Throth, an' your honour, that's just it--if your honour +would be plazed." + +"What can he do?"--"Anything, your honour." + +"That means _nothing_, I suppose," said the squire.--"Oh, no, sir. +Everything, I mane, that you would desire him to do." + +To every one of these assurances on his mother's part Andy made a bow +and a scrape. + +"Can he take care of horses?"--"The best of care, sir," said the mother, +while the miller, who was standing behind the squire waiting for orders, +made a grimace at Andy, who was obliged to cram his face to his hat to +hide the laugh, which he could hardly smother from being heard, as well +as seen. + +"Let him come, then, and help in the stables, and we'll see what he can +do."--"May the Lord--" + +"That'll do--there, now go."--"Oh, sure, but I'll pray for you, and--" + +"Will you go?"--"And may angels make your honour's bed this blessed +night, I pray!" + +"If you don't go, your son shan't come." + +Judy and her hopeful boy turned to the right-about in double-quick time, +and hurried down the avenue. + +The next day Andy was duly installed into his office of stable-helper; +and, as he was a good rider, he was soon made whipper-in to the hounds, +as there was a want of such a functionary in the establishment; and +Andy's boldness in this capacity made him soon a favourite with the +squire, who was one of those rollicking boys on the pattern of the old +school, who scorned the attentions of a regular valet, and let any one +that chance threw in his way bring him his boots, or his hot water for +shaving, or his coat, whenever it _was_ brushed. One morning, Andy, who +was very often the attendant on such occasions, came to his room with +hot water. He tapped at the door. + +"Who's that?" said the squire, who was but just risen, and did not know +but it might be one of the women servants.--"It's me, sir." + +"Oh--Andy! Come in."--"Here's the hot wather, sir," said Andy, bearing +an enormous tin can. + +"Why, what the d--l brings that tin can here? You might as well bring +the stable-bucket."--"I beg your pardon, sir," said Andy retreating. In +two minutes more Andy came back, and, tapping at the door, put in his +head cautiously, and said, "The maids in the kitchen, your honour, says +there's not so much hot wather ready." + +"Did I not see it a moment since in your hands?"--"Yes, sir, but that's +not nigh the full o' the stable-bucket." + +"Go along, you stupid thief! and get me some hot water directly."--"Will +the can do, sir?" + +"Ay, anything, so you make haste." + +Off posted Andy, and back he came with the can. + +"Where'll I put it, sir?"--"Throw this out," said the squire, handing +Andy a jug containing some cold water, meaning the jug to be replenished +with the hot. + +Andy took the jug, and, the window of the room being open, he very +deliberately threw the jug out. The squire stared with wonder, and at +last said, + +"What did you do that for?"--"Sure you _towld_ me to throw it out, sir." + +"Go out of this, you thick-headed villain!" said the squire, throwing +his boots at Andy's head, along with some very neat curses. Andy +retreated, and thought himself a very ill-used person. + +Though Andy's regular business was "whipper-in," yet he was liable to +be called on for the performance of various other duties: he sometimes +attended at table when the number of guests required that all the subs +should be put in requisition, or rode on some distant errand for "the +mistress," or drove out the nurse and children on the jaunting-car; and +many were the mistakes, delays, or accidents arising from Handy Andy's +interference in such matters; but, as they were never serious, and +generally laughable, they never cost him the loss of his place or the +squire's favour, who rather enjoyed Andy's blunders. + +The first time Andy was admitted into the mysteries of the dining-room, +great was his wonder. The butler took him in to give him some previous +instructions, and Andy was so lost in admiration at the sight of the +assembled glass and plate, that he stood with his mouth and eyes wide +open, and scarcely heard a word that was said to him. After the head-man +had been dinning his instructions into him for some time, he said he +might go until his attendance was required. But Andy moved not; he stood +with his eyes fixed by a sort of fascination on some object that seemed +to rivet them with the same unaccountable influence that the snake +exercises over its victim. + +"What are you looking at?" said the butler.--"Them things, sir," said +Andy, pointing to some silver forks. + +"Is it the forks?" said the butler.--"Oh no, sir! I know what forks is +very well; but I never seen them things afore." + +"What things do you mean?"--"These things, sir," said Andy, taking up +one of the silver forks, and turning it round and round in his hand +in utter astonishment, while the butler grinned at his ignorance, and +enjoyed his own superior knowledge. + +"Well!" said Andy, after a long pause, "the divil be from me if ever I +seen a silver spoon split that way before." + +The butler laughed a horse-laugh, and made a standing joke of Andy's +split spoon; but time and experience made Andy less impressed with +wonder at the show of plate and glass, and the split spoons became +familiar as 'household words' to him; yet still there were things in +the duties of table attendance beyond Andy's comprehension,--he used to +hand cold plates for fish, and hot plates for jelly, &c. But 'one day,' +as Zanga says,--'one day' he was thrown off his centre in a remarkable +degree by a bottle of soda water. + +It was when that combustible was first introduced into Ireland as a +dinner beverage that the occurrence took place, and Andy had the luck to +be the person to whom a gentlemen applied for some soda-water. + +"Sir?" said Andy.--"Soda-water," said the guest, in that subdued tone in +which people are apt to name their wants at a dinner-table. + +Andy went to the butler. "Mr. Morgan, there's a gintleman----"--"Let me +alone, will you?" said Mr. Morgan. + +Andy manoeuvred round him a little longer, and again essayed to be +heard. + +"Mr. Morgan!"--"Don't you see I'm as busy as I can be! Can't you do it +yourself?" + +"I dunna what he wants."--"Well, go and ax him," said Mr. Morgan. + +Andy went off as he was bidden, and came behind the thirsty gentleman's +chair, with "I beg your pardon sir." + +"Well!" said the gentleman. + +"I beg your pardon, sir; but what's this you ax'd me for?"--"Soda-water." + +"What, sir?"--"Soda-water; but, perhaps, you have not any." + +"Oh, there's plenty in the house, sir! Would you like it hot, sir." + +The gentleman laughed, and, supposing the new fashion was not understood +in the present company, said "Never mind." + +But Andy was too anxious to please, to be so satisfied, and again +applied to Mr. Morgan. + +"Sir!" said he.--"Bad luck to you! can't you let me alone?" + +"There's a gintleman wants some soap and wather." + +"Some what?"--"Soap and wather, sir." + +"Divil sweep you!--Soda-wather you mane. You'll get it under the +sideboard." + +"Is it in the can, sir?"--"The curse o' Crum'll on you--in the bottles." + +"Is this it, sir?" said Andy, producing a bottle of ale.--"No, bad cess +to you!--the little bottles." + +"Is it the little bottles with no bottoms, sir?"--"I wish _you_ wor in +the bottom o' the say!" said Mr. Morgan, who was fuming and puffing, +and rubbing down his face with his napkin, as he was hurrying to all +quarters of the room, or, as Andy said, in praising his activity, that +he was "like bad luck,--everywhere." + +"There they are!" said Morgan, at last. + +"Oh! them bottles that won't stand," said Andy; "sure, them's what I +said, with no bottoms to them. How'll I open it--it's tied down?"--"Cut +the cord, you fool!" + +Andy did as he was desired; and he happened at the time to hold the +bottle of soda-water on a level with the candles that shed light over +the festive board from a large silver branch, and the moment he made the +incision, bang went the bottle of soda, knocking out two of the lights +with the projected cork, which, performing its parabola the length of +the room, struck the squire himself in the eye at the foot of the table, +while the hostess at the head had a cold-bath down her back. Andy, when +he saw the soda-water jumping out of the bottle, held it from him at +arm's length; every fizz it made, exclaiming, "Ow!--ow!--ow!" and, at +last, when the bottle was empty, he roared out, "Oh, Lord!--it's all +gone!" + +Great was the commotion;--few could resist laughter except the ladies, +who all looked at their gowns, not liking the mixture of satin and +soda-water. The extinguished candles were relighted,--the squire got his +eye open again,--and, the next time he perceived the butler sufficiently +near to speak to him, he said, in a low and hurried tone of deep anger, +while he knit his brow, "Send that fellow out of the room!" but, within +the same instant, resumed the former smile, that beamed on all around as +if nothing had happened. + +Andy was expelled the _salle à manger_ in disgrace, and for days kept +out of his master's and mistress's way: in the mean time the butler +made a good story of the thing in the servants' hall; and, when he held +up Andy's ignorance to ridicule, by telling how he asked for "soap and +water," Andy was given the name of "Suds," and was called by no other, +for months after. + +But, though Andy's function in the interior were suspended, his services +in out-of-door affairs were occasionally put in requisition. But here +his evil genius still haunted him, and he put his foot in a piece of +business his master sent him upon one day, which was so simple as to +defy almost the chance of Andy making any mistake about it; but Andy was +very ingenious in his own particular line. + +"Ride into the town, and see if there's a letter for me," said the +squire, one day, to our hero.--"Yis, sir." + +"You know where to go?"--"To the town, sir." + +"But do you know where to go in the town?"--"No, sir." + +"And why don't you ask, you stupid thief?"--"Sure, I'd find out, sir." + +"Didn't I often tell you to ask what you're to do, when you don't +know?"--"Yis, sir." + +"And why don't you?"--"I don't like to be throublesome, sir." + +"Confound you!" said the squire; though he could not help laughing at +Andy's excuse for remaining in ignorance. + +"Well," continued he, "go to the post-office. You know the post-office, +I suppose?"--"Yis, sir; where they sell gunpowdher." + +"You're right for once," said the squire; for his Majesty's postmaster +was the person who had the privilege of dealing in the aforesaid +combustible. "Go then to the post-office, and ask for a letter for me. +Remember,--not gunpowder, but a letter." + +"Yis, sir," said Andy, who got astride of his hack, and trotted away to +the post-office. On arriving at the shop of the postmaster, (for that +person carried on a brisk trade in groceries, gimlets, broad-cloth, and +linen-drapery,) Andy presented himself at the counter, and said, + +"I want a letther, sir, if you plase." + +"Who do you want it for?" said the postmaster, in a tone which Andy +considered an aggression upon the sacredness of private life: so Andy +thought the coolest contempt he could throw upon the prying impertinence +of the postmaster was to repeat his question. + +"I want a letther, sir, if you plase." + +"And who do you want it for?" repeated the postmaster. + +"What's that to you?" said Andy. + +The postmaster, laughing at his simplicity, told him he could not tell +what letter to give him unless he told him the direction. + +"The directions I got was to get a letther here,--that's the directions." + +"Who gave you those directions?"--"The masther." + +"And who's your master?"--"What consarn is that o' yours?" + +"Why, you stupid rascal! if you don't tell me his name, how can I give +you a letter?"--"You could give it if you liked; but you're fond of +axin' impidint questions, bekase you think I'm simple." + +"Go along out o' this. Your master must be as great a goose as yourself +to send such a messenger."--"Bad luck to your impidince!" said Andy; "is +it Squire Egan you dar to say goose to?" + +"Oh, Squire Egan's your master, then?"--"Yis; have you anything to say +agin it?" + +"Only that I never saw you before."--"Faith, then you'll never see me +agin if I have my own consint." + +"I won't give you any letter for the squire, unless I know you're his +servant. Is there any one in the town knows you?"--"Plenty," said Andy; +"it's not every one is as ignorant as you." + +Just at this moment a person entered the house to get a letter, to +whom Andy was known; and he vouched to the postmaster that the account +he gave of himself was true.--"You may give him the squire's letter. +Have you one for me?"--"Yes, sir," said the postmaster, producing one: +"fourpence." + +The new-comer paid the fourpence postage, and left the shop with his +letter. + +"Here's a letter for the squire," said the postmaster. "You've to pay me +elevenpence postage." + +"What 'ud I pay elevenpence for?"--"For postage." + +"To the divil wid you! Didn't I see you give Mr. Delany a letther for +fourpence this minit, and a bigger letther than this; and now you want +me to pay elevenpence for this scrap of a thing. Do you think I'm a +fool?" + +"No; but I'm sure of it," said the postmaster.--"Well, you're welkim to +think what you plase; but don't be delayin' me now; here's fourpence for +you, and gi' me the letther." + +"Go along, you stupid thief!" said the postmaster, taking up the letter, +and going to serve a customer with a mousetrap. + +While this person and many others were served, Andy lounged up and down +the shop, every now and then putting in his head in the middle of the +customers, and saying, "Will you gi' me the letther?" + +He waited for above half an hour, in defiance of the anathemas of the +postmaster, and at last left, when he found it impossible to get the +common justice for his master which he thought he deserved as well as +another man; for, under this impression, Andy determined to give no more +than the fourpence. + +The squire in the mean time was getting impatient for his return, +and, when Andy made his appearance, asked if there was a letter for +him.--"There is, sir," said Andy. + +"Then give it to me."--"I haven't it, sir." + +"What do you mean?"--"He wouldn't give it to me, sir." + +"Who wouldn't give it to you?"--"That owld chate beyant in the +town,--wanting to charge double for it." + +"Maybe it's a double letter. Why the devil didn't you pay what he asked, +sir?"--"Arrah, sir, why would I let you be chated. It's not a double +letther at all: not above half the size o' one Mr. Delany got before my +face for fourpence." + +"You'll provoke me to break your neck some day, you vagabond! Ride back +for your life, you omadhaun! and pay whatever he asks, and get me the +letter."--"Why, sir, I tell you he was sellin' them before my face for +fourpence a-piece." + +"Go back, you scoundrel! or I'll horsewhip you; and if you're longer +than an hour, I'll have you ducked in the horse-pond!" + +Andy vanished, and made a second visit to the post-office. When he +arrived, two other persons were getting letters, and the postmaster was +selecting the epistles for each, from a parcel of them that lay before +him on the counter; at the same time many shop customers were waiting to +be served. + +"I'm for that letther," said Andy.--"I'll attend to you by-and-by." + +"The masther's in a hurry."--"Let him wait till his hurry's over." + +"He'll murther me if I'm not back soon."--"I'm glad to hear it." + +While the postmaster went on with such provoking answers to these +appeals for despatch, Andy's eye caught the heap of letters that lay on +the counter; so, while certain weighing of soap and tobacco was going +forward, he contrived to become possessed of two letters from the heap; +and, having effected that, waited patiently enough until it was the +great man's pleasure to give him the missive directed to his master. + +Then did Andy bestride his hack, and, in triumph at his trick on the +postmaster, rattle along the road homeward as fast as his hack could +carry him. He came into the squire's presence, his face beaming with +delight, and an air of self-satisfied superiority in his manner, quite +unaccountable to his master, until he pulled forth his hand, which had +been grubbing up his prizes from the bottom of his pocket; and holding +three letters over his head, while he said "Look at that!" he next +slapped them down under his broad fist on the table before the squire, +saying, + +"Well! if he did make me pay elevenpence, by gor, I brought your honour +the worth o' your money, any how!" + + + + + THE LEGEND OF MANOR HALL + BY THE AUTHOR OF "HEADLONG HALL." + + Old Farmer Wall, of Manor Hall, + To market drove his wain: + Along the road it went well stowed + With sacks of golden grain. + + His station he took, but in vain did he look + For a customer all the morn; + Though the farmers all, save Farmer Wall, + They sold off all their corn. + + Then home he went sore discontent, + And many an oath he swore, + And he kicked up rows with his children and spouse, + When they met him at the door. + + Next market-day, he drove away + To the town his loaded wain: + The farmers all, save Farmer Wall, + They sold off all their grain. + + No bidder he found, and he stood astound + At the close of the market-day, + When the market was done, and the chapmen were gone + Each man his several way. + + He stalked by his load along the road; + His face with wrath was red: + His arms he tossed, like a goodman crossed + In seeking his daily bread. + + His face was red, and fierce was his tread, + And with lusty voice cried he: + "My corn I'll sell to the devil of hell, + If he'll my chapman be." + + These words he spoke just under an oak + Seven hundred winters old; + And he straight was aware of a man sitting there + On the roots and grassy mould. + + The roots rose high o'er the green-sward dry, + And the grass around was green, + Save just the space of the stranger's place, + Where it seemed as fire had been. + + All scorched was the spot, as gipsy-pot + Had swung and bubbled there: + The grass was marred, the roots were charred, + And the ivy stems were bare. + + The stranger up-sprung: to the farmer he flung + A loud and friendly hail, + And he said, "I see well, thou hast corn to sell, + And I'll buy it on the nail." + + The twain in a trice agreed on the price; + The stranger his earnest paid, + And with horses and wain to come for the grain + His own appointment made. + + The farmer cracked his whip, and tracked + His way right merrily on: + He struck up a song, as he trudged along, + For joy that his job was done. + + His children fair he danced in the air; + His heart with joy was big; + He kissed his wife; he seized a knife, + He slew a suckling pig. + + The faggots burned, the porkling turned + And crackled before the fire; + And an odour arose, that was sweet in the nose + Of a passing ghostly friar. + + He twirled at the pin, he entered in, + He sate down at the board; + The pig he blessed, when he saw it well dressed, + And the humming ale out-poured. + + The friar laughed, the friar quaffed, + He chirped like a bird in May; + The farmer told how his corn he had sold + As he journeyed home that day. + + The friar he quaffed, but no longer he laughed, + He changed from red to pale: + "Oh, helpless elf! 'tis the fiend himself + To whom thou hast made thy sale!" + + The friar he quaffed, he took a deep draught; + He crossed himself amain: + "Oh, slave of pelf! 'tis the devil himself + To whom thou hast sold thy grain!" + + "And sure as the day, he'll fetch thee away, + With the corn which thou hast sold, + If thou let him pay o'er one tester more + Than thy settled price in gold." + + The farmer gave vent to a loud lament, + The wife to a long outcry; + Their relish for pig and ale was flown; + The friar alone picked every bone, + And drained the flagon dry. + + The friar was gone: the morning dawn + Appeared, and the stranger's wain + Come to the hour, with six-horse power, + To fetch the purchased grain. + + The horses were black: on their dewy track + Light steam from the ground up-curled; + Long wreaths of smoke from their nostrils broke, + And their tails like torches whirled. + + More dark and grim, in face and limb, + Seemed the stranger than before, + As his empty wain, with steeds thrice twain, + Drew up to the farmer's door. + + On the stranger's face was a sly grimace, + As he seized the sacks of grain; + And, one by one, till left were none, + He tossed them on the wain. + + And slily he leered, as his hand up-reared + A purse of costly mould, + Where, bright and fresh, through a silver mesh, + Shone forth the glistering gold. + + The farmer held out his right hand stout, + And drew it back with dread; + For in fancy he heard each warning word + The supping friar had said. + + His eye was set on the silver net; + His thoughts were in fearful strife; + When, sudden as fate, the glittering bait + Was snatched by his loving wife. + + And, swift as thought, the stranger caught + The farmer his waist around, + And at once the twain and the loaded wain + Sank through the rifted ground. + + The gable-end wall of Manor Hall + Fell in ruins on the place: + That stone-heap old the tale has told + To each succeeding race. + + The wife gave a cry that rent the sky + At her goodman's downward flight; + But she held the purse fast, and a glance she cast + To see that all was right. + + 'Twas the fiend's full pay for her goodman grey, + And the gold was good and true; + Which made her declare, that "his dealings were fair, + To give the devil his due." + + She wore the black pall for Farmer Wall, + From her fond embraces riven: + But she won the vows of a younger spouse + With the gold which the fiend had given. + + Now, farmers, beware what oaths you swear + When you cannot sell your corn; + Lest, to bid and buy, a stranger be nigh, + With hidden tail and horn. + + And, with good heed, the moral a-read, + Which is of this tale the pith, + If your corn you sell to the fiend of hell, + You may sell yourself therewith. + + And if by mishap you fall in the trap,-- + Would you bring the fiend to shame, + Lest the tempting prize should dazzle her eyes, + Lock up your frugal dame. + + + + + TERENCE O'SHAUGHNESSY'S FIRST ATTEMPT TO GET MARRIED. + BY THE AUTHOR OF "STORIES OF WATERLOO." + +Yes--here I am, Terence O'Shaughnessy, an honest major of foot, five +feet eleven and a half, and forty-one, if I only live till Michaelmas. +Kicked upon the world before the down had blackened on my chin, Fortune +and I have been wrestling from the cradle;--and yet I had little +to tempt the jade's malevolence. The youngest son of an excellent +gentleman, who, with an ill-paid rental of twelve hundred pounds, kept +his wife in Bath, and his hounds in Tipperary, my patrimony would +have scarcely purchased tools for a highwayman, when in my tenth year +my father's sister sent for me to Roundwood; for, hearing that I was +regularly going to the devil, she had determined to redeem me, if she +could. + +My aunt Honor was the widow of a captain of dragoons, who got his +quietus in the Low Countries some years before I saw the light. His +relict had, in compliment to the memory of her departed lord, eschewed +matrimony, and, like a Christian woman, devoted her few and evil days +to cards and religion. She was a true specimen of an Irish dowager. Her +means were small, her temper short. She was stiff as a ramrod, and proud +as a field-marshal. To her, my education and future settlement in life +were entirely confided, as one brief month deprived me of both parents. +My mother died in a state of insolvency, greatly regretted by every body +in Bath to whom she was indebted; and before her disconsolate husband +had time to overlook a moiety of the card claims transmitted for his +liquidation, he broke his neck in attempting to leap the pound-wall of +Oranmore, for a bet of a rump and dozen. Of course he was waked, and +buried like a gentleman,--every thing sold off by the creditors--my +brothers sent to school--and I left to the tender mercy and sole +management of the widow of Captain O'Finn. + +My aunt's guardianship continued seven years, and at the expiration of +that time I was weary of her thrall, and she tired of my tutelage. I +was now at an age when some walk of life must be selected and pursued. +For any honest avocation I had, as it was universally admitted, neither +abilities nor inclination. What was to be done? and how was I to be +disposed of? A short deliberation showed that there was but one path +for me to follow, and I was handed over to that _refugium peccatorum_, +the army, and placed as a volunteer in a regiment just raised, with a +promise from the colonel that I should be promoted to the first ensigncy +that became vacant. + +Great was our mutual joy when Mrs. O'Finn and I were about to +part company. I took an affectionate leave of all my kindred and +acquaintances, and even, in the fulness of my heart, shook hands with +the schoolmaster, though in boyhood I had devoted him to the infernal +gods for his wanton barbarity. But my tenderest parting was reserved +for my next-door neighbour, the belle among the village beauties, and +presumptive heiress to the virtues and estates of Quartermaster MacGawly. + +Biddy MacGawly was a year younger than myself; and, to do her justice, +a picture of health and comeliness. Lord! what an eye she had!--and her +leg! nothing but the gout would prevent a man from following it, to the +very end of Oxford-street. Biddy and I were next neighbours--our houses +joined--the gardens were only separated by a low hedge, and by standing +on an inverted flower-pot one could accomplish a kiss across it easily. +There was no harm in the thing--it was merely for the fun of trying an +experiment--and when a geranium was damaged, we left the blame upon the +cats. + +Although there was a visiting acquaintance between the retired +quartermaster and the relict of the defunct dragoon, never had any +cordiality existed between the houses. My aunt O'Finn was so lofty in +all things appertaining to her consequence, as if she had been the widow +of a common-councilman; and Roger MacGawly, having scraped together a +good round sum, by the means quartermasters have made money since the +days of Julius Cæsar, was not inclined to admit any inferiority on his +part. Mrs. O'Finn could never imagine that any circumstances could +remove the barrier in dignity which stood between the non-commissioned +officer and the captain. While arguing on the saw, that "a living ass +is better than a dead lion," Roger contended that he was as good a +man as Captain O'Finn; he, Roger, being alive and merry in the town +of Ballinamore, while the departed commander had been laid under a +"counterpane of daisies" in some counterscarp in the Low Countries. +Biddy and I laughed at the feuds of our superiors; and on the evening +of a desperate blow-up, we met at sunset in the garden--agreed that the +old people were fools--and resolved that nothing should interrupt our +friendly relations. Of course the treaty was ratified with a kiss, for I +recollect that next morning the cats were heavily censured for capsizing +a box of mignonette. + +No wonder then, that I parted from Biddy with regret. I sat with her +till we heard the quartermaster scrape his feet at the hall-door on his +return from his club, and kissing poor Biddy tenderly, as Roger entered +by the front, I levanted by the back-door. I fancied myself desperately +in love, and was actually dreaming of my dulcinea when my aunt's maid +called me before day, to prepare for the stage-couch that was to convey +me to my regiment in Dublin. + +In a few weeks an ensigncy dropped in, and I got it. Time slipped +insensibly away--months became years--and three passed before I +revisited Ballinamore. I heard, at stated periods, from Mrs. O'Finn. +The letters were generally a detail of bad luck or bad health. For the +last quarter she had never marked honours--or for the last week closed +an eye with rheumatism and lumbago. Still, as these _jérémiades_ covered +my small allowance, they were welcome as a lover's billet. Of course, in +these despatches the neighbours were duly mentioned, and every calamity +occurring since her "last," was faithfully chronicled. The MacGawlys +held a conspicuous place in my aunt's quarterly notices. Biddy had got a +new gown--or Biddy had got a new piano--but since the dragoons had come +to town there was no bearing her. Young Hastings was never out of the +house--she hoped it would end well--but every body knew a light dragoon +could have little respect for the daughter of a quartermaster; and Mrs. +O'Finn ended her observations by hinting that if Roger went seldomer to +his club, and Biddy more frequently to mass, why probably in the end it +would be better for both of them. + +I re-entered the well-remembered street of Ballinamore late in the +evening, after an absence of three years. My aunt was on a visit, and +she had taken that as a convenient season for having her domicile newly +painted. I halted at the inn, and after dinner strolled over the any to +visit my quondam acquaintances, the MacGawlys. + +If I had intended a surprise, my design would have been a failure. +The quartermaster's establishment were on the _qui vive_. The fact +was, that since the removal of the dragoons, Ballinamore had been +dull as ditch-water; the arrival of a stranger in a post-chaise, of +course had created a sensation in the place, and, before the driver +had unharnessed, the return of Lieutenant O'Shaughnessy was regularly +gazetted, and the MacGawlys, in anticipation of a visit, were ready to +receive me. + +I knocked at the door, and a servant with a beefsteak collar opened it. +Had Roger mounted a livery? Ay--faith--there it was; and I began to +recollect that my aunt O'Finn had omened badly from the first moment a +squadron of the 18th lights had entered Ballinamore. + +I found Roger in the hall. He shook my hand, swore it was an agreeable +surprise, ushered me into the dining-room, and called for hot water and +tumblers. We sat down. Deeply did he interest himself in all that had +befallen me--deeply regret the absence of my honoured aunt--but I must +not stay at the inn, I should be his guest; and, to my astonishment, +it was announced that the gentleman in the red collar had been already +despatched to transport my luggage to the house. Excuses were idle. +Roger's domicile was to be head-quarters; and when I remembered my old +flame, Biddy, I concluded that I might for the short time I had to stay, +be in a less agreeable establishment than the honest quartermaster's. + +I was mortified to hear that Biddy had been indisposed. It was a bad +cold, she had not been out for a month; but she would muffle herself and +meet me in the drawing-room. This, too, was unluckily a night of great +importance in the club. The new curate was to be balloted for; Roger had +proposed him; and, _ergo_, Roger, as a true man, was bound to be present +at the ceremony. The thing was readily arranged. We finished a second +tumbler, the quartermaster betook himself to the King's Arms, and the +lieutenant, meaning myself; to the drawing-room of my old inamorata. + +There was a visible change in Roger's domicile. The house was newly +papered; and, leaving the livery aside, there was a greet increase of +gentility throughout the whole establishment. Instead of bounding to +the presence by three stairs at a time, as I used to do in lang syne, I +was ceremoniously paraded to the lady's chamber by him of the beefsteak +collar; and there, reclining languidly on a sofa, and wrapped in a +voluminous shawl, Biddy MacGawly held out her hand to welcome her old +confederate. + +"My darling Biddy!"--"My dear Terence!" and the usual preliminaries +were got over. I looked at my old flame--she was greatly changed, and +three years had wrought a marvellous alteration. I left her a sprightly +girl--she was now a woman--and decidedly a very pretty one; although the +rosiness of seventeen was gone, and a delicacy that almost indicated +bad health had succeeded; "but," thought I, "it's all owing to the cold." + +There was a guarded propriety in Biddy's bearing, that appeared almost +unnatural. The warm advances of old friendship were repressed; and +one who had mounted a flower-pot to kiss me across a hedge, recoiled +from any exhibition of our former tenderness. Well, it was all as it +should be. Then I was a boy, and now a man. Young women cannot be too +particular, and Biddy MacGawly rose higher in my estimation. + +Biddy was stouter than she promised to be, when we parted, but the +eye was as dark and lustrous, and the ankle as taper as when it last +had demolished a geranium. Gradually her reserve abated; old feelings +removed a constrained formality--we laughed and talked--ay--and kissed +as we had done formerly; and when the old quartermaster's latch-key was +heard unclosing the street-door, I found myself admitting in confidence +and a whisper, that "I would marry if I could." What reply Biddy would +have returned, I cannot tell, for Roger summoned me to the parlour; +and as her cold prevented her from venturing down, she bade me an +affectionate good-night. Of course she kissed me at parting--and it was +done as ardently and innocently as if the hawthorn hedge divided us. + +Roger had left his companions earlier than he usually did, in order +to honour me, his guest. The new butler paraded oysters, and down we +sat _tête-à-tête_. When supper was removed, and each had fabricated a +red-hot tumbler from the tea-kettle, the quartermaster stretched his +long legs across the hearth-rug, and with great apparent solicitude +inquired into all that had befallen me since I had assumed the +shoulder-knot and taken to the trade of war. + +"Humph!"--he observed--"two steps in three years; not bad considering +there was neither money nor interest. D--it! I often wish that Biddy +was a boy. Never was such a time to purchase on. More regiments to be +raised, and promotion will be at a discount. Sir Hugh Haughton married +a stockbroker's widow with half a plum, and paid in the two thousand I +had lent him. Zounds! if Biddy were a boy, and that money well applied, +I would have her a regiment in a twelvemonth." + +"Phew!" I thought to myself. "I see what the old fellow is driving at." + +"There never would be such another opportunity," Roger continued. "An +increased force will produce an increased difficulty in effecting it. +Men will be worth their own weight in money; and d--me, a fellow who +could raise a few, might have any thing he asked for." + +I remarked that, with some influence and a good round sum, recruits +might still be found. + +"Ay, easy enough, and not much money either, if one knew how to go +about the thing. Get two or three smart chaps; let them watch fairs and +patterns, mind their hits when the bumpkins got drunk, and find out when +fellows were hiding from a warrant. D--me, I would raise a hundred, +while you would say Jack Robinson. Pay a friendly magistrate; attest the +scoundrels before they were sober enough to cry off, bundle them to the +regiment next morning; and if a rascal ran away after the commanding +officer passed a receipt for him, why all the better, for you could +relist him when he came home again." + +I listened attentively, though in all this the cloven foot appeared. The +whole was the plan of a crimp; and, if Roger was not belied, trafficking +in "food for powder," had realized more of his wealth than slop-shoes +and short measure. + +During the developement of his project for promotion, the quartermaster +and I had found it necessary to replenish frequently, and with the third +tumbler Roger came nearer to business. + +"Often thought it a pity, and often said so in the club, that a fine +smashing fellow like you, Terence, had not the stuff to push you on. +What the devil signifies family, and blood, and all that balderdash. +There's your aunt, worthy woman; but sky-high about a dead captain. +D--me, all folly. Were I a young man, I'd get hold of some girl with +the wherewithal, and I would double-distance half the highfliers for a +colonelcy." + +This was pretty significant--Roger had come to the scratch, and there +was no mistaking him. We separated for the night. I dreamed, and in +fancy was blessed with a wife, and honoured with a command. Nothing +could be more entrancing than my visions; and when the quartermaster's +_maître d'hôtel_ roused me in the morning, I was engaged in a friendly +argument with my beloved Biddy, as to which of his grandfathers our heir +should be called after, and whether the lovely babe should be christened +Roderick or Roger. + +Biddy was not at breakfast; the confounded cold still confined her to +her apartment; but she hoped to meet me at dinner, and I must endure +her absence until then, as I best could. Having engaged to return at +five, I walked out to visit my former acquaintances. From all of them +I received a warm welcome, and all exhibited some surprise at hearing +that I was domesticated with the quartermaster. I comprehended the +cause immediately. My aunt and Roger had probably a fresh quarrel; but +his delicacy had prevented him from communicating it. This certainly +increased my respect for the worthy man, and made me estimate his +hospitality the more highly. Still there was an evident reserve touching +the MacGawlys; and once or twice, when dragoons were mentioned, I +fancied I could detect a significant look pass between the persons with +whom I was conversing. + +It was late when I had finished my calls; Roger had requested me to +be regular to time, and five was fast approaching. I turned my steps +towards his dwelling-place, when, at a corner of a street, I suddenly +encountered an old schoolfellow on horseback, and great was our mutual +delight at meeting so unexpectedly. We were both hurried, however, and +consequently our greeting was a short one. After a few general questions +and replies, we were on the point of separating, when my friend pulled +up. + +"But where are you hanging out?" said Frederick Maunsell. "I know your +aunt is absent."--"I am at old MacGawly's." + +"The devil you are! Of course you heard all about Biddy and young +Hastings!"--"Not a syllable. Tell it to me." + +"I have not time--it's a long story; but come to breakfast, and I'll +give you all the particulars in the morning. Adieu!" He struck the spurs +to his horse, and cantered off, singing-- + + "Oh! she loved a bold dragoon, + With his long sword, saddle, bridle." + +I was thunderstruck. "Confound the dragoon!" thought I, "and his long +sword, saddle, and bridle, into the bargain. Gad! I wish Maunsell had +told me what it was. Well--what, suppose I ask Biddy herself?" I had +half resolved that evening to have asked her a very different question; +but, 'faith! I determined now to make some inquiries touching Cornet +Hastings of the 13th, before Miss Biddy MacGawly should be invited to +become Mrs. O'Shaughnessy. + +My host announced that dinner was quite ready, and I found Biddy in +the eating-room. She was prettily dressed, as an invalid should be; +and, notwithstanding her cold, looked remarkably handsome. I should to +a certainty have been over head and ears in love, had not Maunsell's +innuendo respecting the young dragoon operated as a damper. + +Dinner proceeded as dinners always do, and Roger was bent on +hospitality. I fancied that Biddy regarded me with some interest, while +momentarily I felt an increasing tenderness that would have ended, I +suppose, in a direct declaration, but for the monitory hint which I had +received from my old schoolfellow. I was dying to know what Maunsell's +allusion pointed at, and I casually threw out a feeler. + +"And you are so dull, you say? Yes, Biddy, you must miss the dragoons +sadly. By the way, there was a friend of mine here. Did you know Tom +Hastings?" + +I never saw an elderly gentleman and his daughter more confused. Biddy +blushed like a peony, and Roger seemed desperately bothered. At last the +quartermaster responded, + +"Fact is--as a military man, showed the cavalry some +attention--constantly at the house--anxious to be civil--helped them +to make out forage--but d--d wild--obliged to cut, and keep them at a +distance." + +"Ay, Maunsell hinted something of that." + +I thought Biddy would have fainted, and Roger grew red as the footman's +collar. + +"Pshaw! d--d gossiping chap that Maunsell. Young Hastings--infernal +hemp--used to ride with Biddy. Persuaded her to get on a horse of +his--ran away--threw her--confined at this inn for a week--never +admitted him to my house afterwards." + +Oh! here was the whole mystery unravelled! No wonder Roger was +indignant, and that Biddy would redden at the recollection. It was +devilish unhandsome of Mr. Hastings; and I expressed my opinion in a way +that evidently pleased my host and his heiress, and showed how much I +disapproved of the conduct of that _roué_ the dragoon. + +My fair friend rose to leave us. Her shawl caught in the chair, and I +was struck with the striking change a few years had effected in my old +playfellow. She was grown absolutely stout. I involuntarily noticed it. + +"Lord! Biddy, how fat you are grown!" + +A deeper blush than even when I named that luckless dragoon, flushed +to her very brows at the observation, while the quartermaster rather +testily exclaimed, + +"Ay, she puts on her clothes as if they were tossed on with a pitchfork, +since she got this cold. D--it! Biddy. I say, tighten yourself, woman! +Tighten yourself, or I won't be plased!" + +Well, here was a load of anxiety removed, and Maunsell's mischievous +innuendo satisfactorily explained away. Biddy was right in resenting +the carelessness that exposed her to ridicule and danger; and it was a +proper feeling in the old quartermaster to cut the man who would mount +his heiress on a break-neck horse. Gradually we resumed the conversation +of last night--there was the regiment, if I chose to have it--and when +Roger departed for the club, I made up my mind, while ascending the +stairs, to make a splice with Biddy, and become Colonel O'Shaughnessy. + +Thus determined, I need not particularise what passed upon the sofa. +My wooing was short, sharp, and decisive; and no affected delicacy +restrained Biddy from confessing that the flame was mutual. My fears +had been moonshine; my suspicions groundless. Biddy had not valued +the dragoon a brass button; and--poor soul!--she hid her head upon my +shoulder, and, in a soft whisper, acknowledged that she never had cared +a _traneeine_[1] for any body in the wide world but myself! + +It was a moment of exquisite delight. I told her of my prospects, and +mentioned the quartermaster's conversation. Biddy listened with deep +attention. She blushed--strove to speak--stopped--was embarrassed. I +pressed her to be courageous: and at last she deposited her head upon my +breast, and bashfully hinted that Roger was old--avarice was the vice +of age--he was fond of money--he was hoarding it certainly for her; but +still, it would be better that my promotion should be secured. Roger had +now the cash in his own possession. If we were married without delay, +it would be transferred at once; whereas something that might appear +to him advantageous, might offer, and induce her father to invest it. +But she was really shocked at herself--such a proposition would appear +so indelicate; but still, a husband's interests were too dear to be +sacrificed to maiden timidity. + +I never estimated Biddy's worth till now. She united the foresight of a +sage with the devotion of a woman. I would have been insensible indeed, +had I not testified my regard and admiration; and Biddy was still +resting on my shoulder, when the quartermaster's latch-key announced his +return from the club. + +After supper I apprised Roger of my passion for his daughter, and +modestly admitted that I had found favour in her sight. He heard my +communication, and frankly confessed that I was a son-in-law he most +approved of. Emboldened by the favourable reception of my suit, I +ventured to hint at an early day, and pleaded "a short leave between +returns," for precipitancy. The quartermaster met me like a man. + +"When people wished to marry, why, delay was balderdash. Matters +could be quickly and quietly managed. His money was ready--no bonds +or post-obits--a clean thousand in hand, and another the moment an +opening to purchase a step should occur. No use in mincing matters among +friends. Mrs. O'Finn was an excellent woman: she was a true friend, +and a good Catholic; but, d---- it, she had old-world notions about +family, and in pride the devil was a fool to her. If she came home +before the ceremony, there would be an endless fuss; and Roger concluded +by suggesting that we should be married the next evening, and give my +honoured aunt an agreeable surprise." + +That was precisely what I wanted; and a happier man never pressed a +pillow than I, after my interesting colloquy with the quartermaster. + +The last morning of my celibacy dawned. I met Roger only at the +breakfast table; for my beloved Biddy, between cold and virgin +trepidation, was _hors de combat_, and signified in a tender billet her +intention to keep her chamber, until the happy hour arrived that should +unite us in the silken bonds of Hymen. The quartermaster undertook to +conduct the nuptial preparations; a friend of his would perform the +ceremony, and the quieter the thing was done the better. After breakfast +he set out to complete all matrimonial arrangements, and I strolled into +the garden to ruminate on my approaching happiness, and bless Heaven for +the treasure I was destined to possess in Biddy MacGawly. + +No place could have been more appropriately selected for tender +meditation. _There_ was the conscious hedge, that had witnessed the +first kiss of love; ay, and for naught I knew to the contrary, the +identical flower-pot on which her sylphic form had rested; sylphic it +was no longer, for the slender girl had ripened into a stout and comely +gentlewoman; and she would be mine--mine that very evening. + +"Ah! Terence," I said in an undertone, "few men at twenty-one have +drawn such a prize. A thousand pounds! ready cash--a regiment in +perspective--a wife in hand; and such a wife--young, artless, tender, +and attached. By everything matrimonial, you have the luck of thousands!" + +My soliloquy was interrupted by a noise on the other side of the +fence. I looked over. It was my aunt's maid; and great was our mutual +astonishment. Judy blessed herself; as she ejaculated--"Holy Virgin! +Master Terence, is that you?" + +I satisfied her of my identity, and learned to my unspeakable surprise +that my aunt had returned unexpectedly, and that she had not the +remotest suspicion that her affectionate nephew, myself, was cantoned +within pistol-shot. Without consideration I hopped over the hedge, and +next minute was in the presence of my honoured protectress, the relict +of the departed captain. + +"Blessed angels!" exclaimed Mrs. O'Finn, as she took me to her arms, +and favoured me with a kiss, in which there was more blackguard[2] than +ambrosia. "Arrah! Terence, jewel; what the devil drove ye here? Lord +pardon me for mentioning him!" + +"My duty, dear aunt. I am but a week landed from Jersey, and could not +rest till I got leave from the colonel to run down between returns, and +pay you a hurried visit. Lord! how well you look!" + +"Ah! then, Terence, jewel, it's hard for me to look well, considering +the way I have been fretted by the tenants, and afflicted with the +lumbago. Denis Clark--may the widow's curse follow him wherever he +goes!--bundled off to America with a neighbour's wife, and a year and a +half's rent along with her, the thief! And then, since Holland tide, I +have not had a day's health." + +"Well, from your looks I should never have supposed it. But you were +visiting at Meldrum Castle?" + +"Yes, faith, and a dear visit it was. Nothing but half-crown whist, +and unlimited brag. Lost seventeen points last Saturday night. It was +Sunday morning, Lord pardon us for playing! But what was that to my luck +yesterday evening! Bragged twice for large pools, with red nines and +black knaves; and Mrs. Cooney, both times, showed natural aces! If ever +woman sold herself, she has. The Lord stand between us and evil! Well, +Terence, you'll be expecting your quarter's allowance. We'll make it out +somehow--Heigh-ho! Between bad cards and runaway tenants, I can't attend +to my soul as I ought, and Holy Week coming!" + +I expressed due sympathy for her losses, and regretted that her health, +bodily and spiritual, was so indifferent. + +"I have no good news for you, Terence," continued Mrs. O'Finn. "Your +brother Arthur is following your poor father's example, and ruining +himself with hounds and horses. He's a weak and wilful man, and nothing +can save him, I fear. Though he never treated me with proper respect, I +strove to patch up match between him and Miss MacTeggart. Five thousand +down upon the nail, and three hundred a year, failing her mother. I +asked her here on a visit, and, though he had ridden past without +calling on me, wrote him my plan, and invited him to meet her. What do +you think, Terence, was his reply? Why, that Miss MacTeggart might go to +Bath, for he would have no call to my swivel-eyed customers. There was +a return for my kindness! as if a woman with five thousand _down_, and +three hundred a year in expectation, was required to look straight. Ah! +Terence, I wish you had been here. She went to Dublin, and was picked up +in a fortnight." + +Egad! here was an excellent opportunity to broach my own success. There +could be no harm in making the commander's widow a _confidante_; and, +after all, she had a claim upon me as my early protectress. + +"My dear aunt, I cannot be surprised at your indignation. Arthur was a +fool, and lost an opportunity that never may occur again. In fact, my +dear madam, I intended to have given you an agreeable surprise. I--I--I +am on--the very brink of matrimony!" + +"Holy Bridget!" exclaimed Mrs. O'Finn, as she crossed herself devoutly. + +"Yes, ma'am. I am engaged to a lady with two thousand pounds." + +"Is it _ready_, Terence?" said my aunt.--"Down on the table, before the +priest puts on his vestment." + +"Arrah--my blessing attend ye, Terence. I knew you would come to good. +Is she young?"--"Just twenty." + +"Is she good-looking?"--"More than that; extremely pretty, innocent, and +artless." + +"Arrah--give me another kiss, for I'm proud of ye;" and Captain O'Finn's +representative clasped me in her arms. + +"But the family, Terence; remember the old stock. Is she one of +us?"--"She is highly respectable. An only daughter, with excellent +expectations." + +"What is her father, Terence?"--"A soldier, ma'am." + +"Lord!--quite enough. He's by profession a gentleman; and we can't +expect to find every day, descendants from the kings of Connaught, +like the O'Shaughnessys and the O'Finns. But when is it to take place, +Terence?"--"Why, faith, ma'am, it was a bit of a secret; but I can keep +nothing from you." + +"And why should ye? Haven't I been to you more than a mother, Terence?" + +"I am to be married this evening." + +"This evening! Holy Saint Patrick! and you're sure of the money? It's +not a rent-charge--nothing of bills or bonds?" + +"Nothing but bank-notes; nothing but the _aragudh-sheese_."[3] + +"Ogh! my blessing be about ye night and day. Arrah, Terence, what's her +name?" + +"You'll not mention it. We want the thing done quietly." + +"Augh, Terence; and do you think I would let any thing ye told me slip? +By this cross,"--and Mrs. O'Finn bisected the forefinger of her left +hand with the corresponding digit of the right one; "the face of clay +shall never be the wiser of any thing ye mention!" + +After this desperate adjuration there was no refusing my aunt's request. + +"You know her well,"--and I looked extremely cunning. + +"Do I, Terence? Let me see--I have it. It's Ellen Robinson. No--though +her money's safe, there's but five hundred ready." + +"Guess again, aunt." + +"Is it Bessie Lloyd? No--though the old miller is rich as a Jew, he +would not part a guinea to save the whole human race, or make his +daughter a duchess."--"Far from the mark as ever, aunt." + +"Well," returned Mrs. O'Finn, with sigh, "I'm fairly puzzled." + +"Whisper!" and I playfully took her hand, and put my lips close to her +cheek. "It's--" + +"Who?--who, for the sake of Heaven?"--"Biddy MacGawly!" + +"Oh, Jasus!" ejaculated the captain's relict, as she sank upon a chair. +"I'm murdered! Give me my salts, there. Terence O'Shaughnessy, don't +touch me. I put the cross between us," and she made a crucial flourish +with her hand. "You have finished me, ye villain. Holy Virgin! what sins +have I committed, that I should be disgraced in my old age? Meat never +crossed my lips of a Friday; I was regular at mass, and never missed +confession; and, when the company were honest, played as fair as every +body else. I wish I was at peace with poor dear Pat O'Finn. Oh! murder! +murder!" + +I stared in amazement. If Roger MacGawly had been a highwayman, his +daughter could not have been an object of greater horror to Mrs O'Finn. +At last I mustered words to attempt to reason with her, but to my +desultory appeals she returned abuse fit only for a pickpocket to +receive. + +"Hear me, madam."--"Oh, you common _ommadawn_!"[4] + +"For Heaven's sake, listen!"--"Oh! that the O'Finns and the +O'Shaughnessys should be disgraced by a mean-spirited _gommouge_[5] of +your kind!" + +"You won't hear me."--"Biddy MacGawly!" she exclaimed. "Why, bad as +my poor brother, your father, was--and though he too married a devil +that has helped to ruin him, she was at all events a lady in her own +right, and cousin-german to Lord Lowestoffe. But--you--you unfortunate +disciple." + +I began to wax warm, for my aunt complimented me with all the abuse she +could muster, and there never was a cessation but when her breath failed. + +"Why, what have I done? What am I about doing?" I demanded.--"Just +going," returned Mrs. O'Finn, "to make a Judy Fitzsimmons mother of +yourself?" + +"And is it," said I, "because Miss MacGawly can't count her pedigree +from Fin Macoul that she should not discharge the duties of a wife?" + +My aunt broke in upon me. + +"There's one thing certain, that she'll discharge the duties of a +mother. Heavens! if you had married a girl with only a _blast_,[6] +your connexions might brazen it out. But a woman in such a barefaced +condition!--as if her staying in the house these three months could +blind the neighbours, and close their mouths." + +"Well, in the devil's name, will you say what objection exists to Biddy +MacGawly making me a husband to-night?"--"And a papa in three months +afterwards!" rejoined my loving aunt. + +If a shell had burst in the bivouac, I could not have been more +electrified. Dark suspicions flashed across my mind--a host of +circumstances confirmed my doubts; and I implored the widow of the +defunct dragoon to tell me all she knew. + +It was a simple, although, as far as I was concerned, not a flattering +narrative. Biddy had commenced an equestrian novitiate under the +tutelage of Lieutenant Hastings. Her progress in the art of horsemanship +was, no doubt, very satisfactory, and the pupil and the professor +frequently rode out _tête-à-tête_. Biddy, poor soul! was fearful of +exhibiting any _mal-addresse_, and of course, roads less frequented +than the king's highway were generally chosen for her riding lessons. +Gradually these excursions became more extensive; twilight, and in +summer too, often fell, before the quartermaster's heiress had returned; +and on one unfortunate occasion she was absent for a week. This caused +as desperate commotion in the town; the dowagers and old maids sat +in judgment on the case, and declared Biddy no longer visitable. In +vain her absence was ascribed to accident--a horse had run away--she +was thrown--her ankle sprained--and she was detained unavoidably at a +country inn until the injury was abated. + +In this state of things the dragoons were ordered off; and it was +whispered that there had been a desperate blow-up between the young +lady's preceptor the lieutenant, and her papa the quartermaster. Once +only had Biddy ventured out upon the mall; but she was cut dead by +her quondam acquaintances. From that day she seldom appeared abroad; +and when she did, it was always in the evening, and even then closely +muffled up. No wonder scandal was rife touching the causes of her +seclusion. A few charitably ascribed it to bad health--others to +disappointment--but the greater proportion of the fair sex attributed +her confinement to the true cause, and whispered that Miss MacGawly was +"as ladies wished to be who love their lords." + +Here was a solution to the mystery! It was now pretty easy to comprehend +why Biddy was swathed like a mummy, and Roger so ready with his cash. No +wonder the _demoiselle_ was anxious to abridge delay, and the old crimp +so obliging in procuring a priest and preparing all requisite matters or +immediate hymeneals. What was to be done? What, but denounce the frail +fair one, and annihilate that villain her father. Without a word or +explanation I caught up my hat, and left the house in a hurry, and Mrs. +O'Finn in a state of nervousness that threatened to become hysterical. + +When I reached the quartermaster's habitation, I hastened to my own +apartment, and got my traps together in double-quick. I intended to have +abdicated quietly, and favoured the intended Mrs. O'Shaughnessy with an +epistle communicating the reasons that induced me to decline the honour +of her hand; but on the landing my worthy father-in-law cut off my +retreat, and a parting _tête-a-tête_ became unavoidable. He appeared in +great spirits at the success of his interview with the parson. + +"Well, Terence, I have done the business. The old chap made a parcel of +objections; but he's poor as Lazarus--slily slipped him ten pounds, and +that quieted his scruples. He's ready at a moment's warning."--"He's a +useful person," I replied drily; "and all you want is a son-in-law." + +"A what?" exclaimed the father of Miss Biddy.--"A son-in-law!" + +"Why, what the devil do you mean?"--"Not a jot more or less than what I +say. You have procured the priest, but I suspect the bridegroom will not +be forthcoming." + +"Zounds, sir! do you mean to treat my daughter with disrespect?"--"Upon +consideration, it would be hardly fair to deprive my old friend Hastings +of his pupil. Why, with another week's private tuition Biddy might offer +her services to Astley." + +"Sir,--if you mean to be impertinent,--" and Roger began to bluster, +while the noise brought the footman to the hall, and Miss Biddy to the +banisters 'shawled to the nose.' I began to lose temper. + +"Why, you infernal old crimp!"--"You audacious young scoundrel!" + +"Oh, Jasus! gentlemen! Pace, for the sake of the blessed Mother!" cried +the butler from below. + +"Father, jewel! Terence, my only love!" screamed Miss Biddy, over the +staircase. "What is the matter?"--"He wants to be off!" roared the +quartermaster. + +"Stop, Terence, or you'll have my life to answer for."--"Lord, Biddy, +how fat you are grown!" + +"You shall fulfil your promise," cried Roger, "or I'll write to the +Horse Guards, and memorial the commander-in-chief."--"You may memorial +your best friend, the devil, you old crimp!" and I forced my way to the +hall. + +"Come back, you deceiver!" exclaimed Miss MacGawly.--"Arrah, Biddy, go +tighten yourself," said I. + +"Oh, I'm fainting!" screamed Roger's heiress. + +"Don't let him out!" roared her sire. + +The gentleman with the beefsteak collar made a demonstration to +interrupt my retreat, and in return received a box on the ear that sent +him halfway down the kitchen stairs. + +"There," I said, "give that to the old rogue, your master, with my best +compliments,"--and bounding from the hall-door, Biddy MacGawly, like +Lord Ullin's daughter, "was left lamenting!" + +Well, there is no describing the _rookawn_[7] a blow-up like this, +occasioned in a country town. I was unmercifully quizzed; but the +quartermaster and his heiress found it advisable to abdicate. Roger +removed his household goods to the metropolis--Miss Biddy favoured him +in due time with a grandson; and when I returned from South America, I +learned that "this lost love of mine" had accompanied a Welsh lieutenant +to the hymeneal altar, who, not being "over-particular" about trifles, +had obtained on the same morning a wife, an heir, and an estate--with +Roger's blessing into the bargain. + +[1] _Anglicè_, a jackstraw. + +[2] Coarse Irish snuff. + +[3] _Anglicè_, cash down. + +[4] _Anglicè_, a fool. + +[5] A simpleton. + +[6] _Anglicè_, a flaw of the reputation. + +[7] _Anglicè_, confusion + + + + + REDDY O'DRYSCULL, + SCHOOLMASTER AT WATER-GRASS-HILL, + + TO MR. BENTLEY, PUBLISHER. + +SIR,--I write to you concerning the late P.P. of this parish--his soul +to glory! for, as Virgil says,--and devil a doubt of it,-- + + _Candidus insuetum miratur limen Olympi, + Sub pedibusque videt nubes et sidera pastor._ + +His RELIQUES, sir, in two volumes, have been sent down here from Dublin, +for the use of my boys, by order of the National _Education_ Board, +with directions to cram the spalpeens all at once with such a power of +knowledge that they may forget the hunger: which plan, between you and +me, (though I say it that oughtn't) is all sheer _bladderum-skate_: +for, as Juvenal maintains, _jejunus stomachus_, &c. &c.--an empty bag +won't stand; you must first fill it with praties. Give us a poor-law, +sir, and, trust me, you will hear no more about Rock and repeal; no, nor +of the _rint_, against which latter humbug the man of God set his face +outright during his honest and honourable lifetime; for, sir, though +he differed with Mr. Moore about Irish round towers, and a few French +roundelays, in _this_ they fully agreed. + +As I understand, sir, that you are Publisher in ordinary to his Majesty, +I intend from time to time conveying through you to the ear of royalty +some _desiderata curiosa Hyberniæ_ from the pen of the deceased; matters +which remain _penès me, in scriniis_, to use the style of your great +namesake. For the present, I merely send you a few classic scraps +collected by Dr. Prout in some convent abroad; and, wishing every +success to your Miscellany, am your humble servant, + R. O'D. + + + + + SCRAP, No. 1. _Water-grass-hill._ + +There flourishes, I hear, in London, a Mr. HUDSON, whose reputation +as a comic lyrist, it would seem, has firmly taken root in the great +metropolis. Many are the laughter-compelling productions of his merry +genius; but "_Barney Brallaghan's Courtship_" may be termed his +_opus magnum_. It has been my lot to pick a few dry leaves from the +laurel-wreath of Mr. Moore, who could well afford the loss: I know not +whether I can meddle rightly after a similar fashion with _Hudson's_ +bay. Yet is there a strange coincidence of thought and expression, +and even metre, between the following remnant of antiquity, and his +never-sufficiently-to-be-encored song. + +The original may be seen at Bobbio in the Apennines,--a Benedictine +settlement, well known as the earliest asylum opened to learning after +the fall of the Roman Empire. The Irish monk Colombanus had the merit +of founding it, and it long remained tenanted by natives of Ireland. +Among them it has been ascertained that DANTE lived for some time, and +composed Latin verses; but I cannot recognise any trace of _his_ stern +phraseology in the ballad. It appears rather the production of some +rustic of the Augustan age; perhaps one of Horace's ploughmen. It is +addressed to a certain Julia Callapygé, ([Greek: Kallipygê],) a name +which (for shortness I suppose) the rural poet contracts into Julia +"CALLAGÉ." I have diligently compared it with the vulgate version, as +sung by Fitzwilliam at the Freemasons' Tavern; and little doubt can +remain of its identity and authenticity. + P. P. + + + + + THE SABINE FARMER'S SERENADE; + BEING A NEWLY RECOVERED FRAGMENT OF A LATIN OPERA. + + I. 1. + Erat turbida nox 'Twas on a windy night, + Horâ secundâ mané At two o'clock in the morning, + Quando proruit vox An Irish lad so tight, + Carmen in hoc inané; All wind and weather scorning, + Viri misera mens At Judy Callaghan's door, + Meditabatur hymen, Sitting upon the palings, + Hinc puellæ flens His love-tale he did pour, + Stabat obsidens limen; And this was part of his wailings:-- + + _Semel tantum dic_ _Only say_ + _Eris nostra_ LALAGÉ; _You'll be Mrs. Brallaghan;_ + _Ne recuses sic,_ _Don't say nay,_ + _Dulcis Julia_ CALLAGÉ. _Charming Judy Callaghan._ + + II. 2. + Planctibus aurem fer, Oh! list to what I say, + Venere tu formosior; Charms you've got like Venus; + Dic, hos muros per, Own your love you may, + Tuo favore potior! There's but the wall between us. + Voce beatum fac; You lie fast asleep, + En, dum dormis, vigilo, Snug in bed and snoring; + Nocte obambulans hâc Round the house I creep, + Domum planctu stridulo. Your hard heart imploring. + + _Semel tantum dic_ _Only say_ + _Eris nostra_ LALAGÉ; _You'll have Mr. Brallaghan;_ + _Ne recuses sic,_ _Don't say nay,_ + _Dulcis Julia_ CALLAGÉ. _Charming Judy Callaghan._ + + III. 3. + Est mihi prægnans sus, I've got a pig and a sow, + Et porcellis stabulum; I've got a sty to sleep 'em; + Villula, grex, et rus[8] A calf and a brindled cow, + Ad vaccarum pabulum; And a cabin too, to keep 'em; + Feriis cerneres me Sunday hat and coat, + Splendido vestimento, An old grey mare to ride on; + Tunc, heus! quàm benè te Saddle and bridle to boot, + Veherem in jumento![9] Which you may ride astride on. + + _Semel tantum dic_ _Only say_ + _Eris nostra_ LALAGÉ; _You'll be Mrs. Brallaghan;_ + _Ne recuses sic,_ _Don't say nay,_ + _Dulcis Julia_ CALLAGÉ. _Charming Judy Callaghan._ + + IV. 4. + Vis poma terræ? sum I've got an acre of ground, + Uno dives jugere; I've got it set with praties; + Vis lac et mella,[10] cùm I've got of 'baccy a pound, + Bacchi succo,[11] sugere? I've got some tea for the ladies; + Vis aquæ-vitæ vim?[12] I've got the ring to wed, + Plumoso somnum sacculo?[13] Some whisky to make us gaily; + Vis ut paratus sim I've got a feather-bed + Vel annulo vel baculo?[14] And a handsome new shilelagh. + + _Semel tantum dic_ _Only say_ + _Eris nostra_ LALAGÉ; _You'll be Mrs. Brallaghan;_ + _Ne recuses sic,_ _Don't say nay,_ + _Dulcis Julia_ CALLAGÉ. _Charming Judy Callaghan._ + + V. 5. + Litteris operam das; You've got a charming eye, + Lucido fulges oculo; You've got some spelling and reading; + Dotes insuper quas You've got, and so have I, + Nummi sunt in loculo. A taste for genteel breeding; + Novi quad apta sis[15] You're rich, and fair, and young, + Ad procreandam sobolem! As everybody's knowing; + Possides (nesciat quis?) You've got a decent tongue + Linguam satis mobilem.[16] Whene'er 'tis set a-going. + + _Semel tantum dic_ _Only say_ + _Eris nostra_ LALAGÉ; _You'll be Mrs. Brallaghan;_ + _Ne recuses sic,_ _Don't say nay,_ + _Dulcis Julia_ CALLAGÉ. _Charming Judy Callaghan._ + + VI. 6. + Conjux utinam tu For a wife till death + Fieres, lepidum cor, mî! I am willing to take ye; + Halitum perdimus, heu, But, och! I waste my breath, + Te sopor urget. Dormi! The devil himself can't wake ye. + Ingruit imber trux-- 'Tis just beginning to rain, + Jam sub tecto pellitur So I'll get under cover; + Is quem crastina lux[17] Tomorrow I'll come again, + Referet hùc fidelitèr. And be your constant lover. + + _Semel tantum dic_ _Only say_ + _Eris nostra_ LALAGÉ; _You'll be Mrs. Brallaghan;_ + _Ne recuses sic,_ _Don't say nay,_ + _Dulcis Julia_ CALLAGÉ. _Charming Judy Callaghan._ + + + NOTULÆ. + +[8] NOTUL. 1. + +1º in _voce rus_. Nonne potiùs legendum _jus_, scilicet, _ad vaccarum +pabulum_? De hoc _jure_ apud Nabinos agricolas consule _Scriptores de re +rustied_ passim. Ita _Beatleius_. + +Jus imo antiquissimum, at displicet vox æquivoca; jus etenim a _mess of +pottage_ aliquande audit, ex. gr. + +Omne suum fratri Jacob _jus_ vendidit Esau, + +Et Jacob fratri jus dedit omne suum. Itaque, pace Bentleii, stet lectio +prior.--_Prout._ + +[9] NOTUL. 2. + +_Veherem in jumento._ Curriculo-ne? an ponè sedentem in equi dorso? +dorsaliter planè. Quid enim dicit Horatius de uxore sic vectà? Nonne +"_Post equitem sedet atra cura_"?--_Parson._ + +[10] NOTUL. 3. + +_Lac et mella._ Metaphoricè pro _tea_: muliebris est compotatio Græcis +non ignota, teste Anacreonte,-- + +[Greek: ThEÊN, thian thiainên,] [Greek: Thilô ligein etairai, k. t. l.] +_Brougham._ + +[11] NOTUL. 4. + +_Bacchi succo._ Duplex apud poetas antiquiores habebatur hujusce nominis +numen. Vineam regebat prius: posterius cuidam herbæ exoticæ pracerat quæ +_tobacco_ audit. Succus utrique optimus.--_Coleridge._ + +[12] NOTUL. 5. + +_Aquæ-vitæ vim_, Anglo-Hybernicè, "_a power of whisky_," [Greek: +ischys], scilicet, vox pergracca. _Parr._ + +[13] NOTUL. 6. + +_Plumoso sacco._ Plumarum congeriea certè ad somnos invitandos satis +apta; at mihi per multos annos laneus iste saccus, Ang. _woolsack_, +fuit apprimè ad dormiendum idoneus. Lites etlam _de iand ut aiunt +caprind_, soporiferas per annos xxx, exercui. Quot et quam præclara +somnia!--_Eldon._ + +[14] NOTUL. 7. + +Investitura "_per annulum et baculum_" satis nota. Vide P. Marca de +Concord. Sacerdotii et Imperii: et Hildebrandi Pont. Max. bullarium. +_Prout._ Baculo certè dignissim. pontif.--_Maginn._ + +[15] NOTUL. 8. + +_Apta sis._ Quemodo noverit? Vide Proverb. Solomonis cap. xxx. v. 19. +Nisi forsan tales fuerint puellæ Sabinorum quales impudens iste balatro +Connelius mentitur esse nostrates. _Blomfield._ + +[16] NOTUL. 9. + +_Linguam mobilem._ Prius enumerat futuræ conjugis bona _immobilis_, +postea transit ad _mobilia_, Anglicè, _chattel property_. Præclares +orde sententiarum!--_Car. Wetherell._ + +[17] NOTUL. 10. + +Allusio ad distichon Maronianum, "Nocte pluit totâ, _redeunt spectacula +manè_." _Prout._ [Greek: k. t. l.] + + * * * * * + + * * Our Water-grass-hill correspondent will find scattered throughout + * our pages the other fragments of the defunct _Padre_ which he has + placed at our disposal. Every chip from so brilliant an old block may + be said to possess a lustre peculiarly its own; hence we have not + feared to disperse them up and down our miscellany. They are + "gems of the purest whiskey."--_Edit._ + + [Illustration: Mr. Tulrumble as Mayor of Mudfog] + + + + + PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE, + ONCE MAYOR OF MUDFOG. + +Mudfog is a pleasant town--a remarkably pleasant town--situated in +a charming hollow by the side of a river, from which river, Mudfog +derives an agreeable scent of pitch, tar, coals, and rope-yarn, a +roving population in oil-skin hats, a pretty steady influx of drunken +bargemen, and a great many other maritime advantages. There is a good +deal of water about Mudfog, and yet it is not exactly the sort of town +for a watering-place, either. Water is a perverse sort of element at +the best of times, and in Mudfog it is particularly so. In winter, +it comes oozing down the streets and tumbling over the fields,--nay, +rushes into the very cellars and kitchens of the houses, with a lavish +prodigality that might well be dispensed with; but in the hot summer +weather it _will_ dry up, and turn green: and, although green is a very +good colour in its way, especially in grass, still it certainly is not +becoming to water; and it cannot be denied that the beauty of Mudfog is +rather impaired, even by this trifling circumstance. Mudfog is a healthy +place--very healthy;--damp, perhaps, but none the worse for that. It's +quite a mistake to suppose that damp is unwholesome: plants thrive best +in damp situations, and why shouldn't men? The inhabitants of Mudfog +are unanimous in asserting that there exists not a finer race of people +on the face of the earth; here we have an indisputable and veracious +contradiction of the vulgar error at once. So, admitting Mudfog to be +damp, we distinctly state that it is salubrious. + +The town of Mudfog is extremely picturesque. Limehouse and Ratcliffe +Highway are both something like it, but they give you a very faint idea +of Mudfog. There are a great many more public-houses in Mudfog,--more +than in Ratcliffe Highway and Limehouse put together. The public +buildings, too, are very imposing. We consider the Town-hall one of the +finest specimens of shed architecture, extant: it is a combination of +the pig-sty and tea-garden-box, orders; and the simplicity of its design +is of surpassing beauty. The idea of placing a large window on one side +of the door, and a small one on the other, is particularly happy. There +is a fine bold Doric beauty, too, about the padlock and scraper, which +is strictly in keeping with the general effect. + +In this room do the mayor and corporation of Mudfog assemble together +in solemn council for the public weal. Seated on the massive wooden +benches, which, with the table in the centre, form the only furniture of +the whitewashed apartment, the sage men of Mudfog spend hour after hour +in grave deliberation. Here they settle at what hour of the night the +public-houses shall be closed, at what hour of the morning they shall +be permitted to open, how soon it shall be lawful for people to eat +their dinner on church-days, and other great political questions; and +sometimes, long after silence has fallen on the town, and the distant +lights from the shops and houses have ceased to twinkle, like far-off +stars, to the sight of the boatmen on the river, the illumination in +the two unequal-sized windows of the town-hall, warns the inhabitants +of Mudfog that its little body of legislators, like a larger and +better-known body of the same genus, a great deal more noisy, and not a +whit more profound, are patriotically dozing away in company, far into +the night, for their country's good. + +Among this knot of sage and learned men, no one was so eminently +distinguished, during many years, for the quiet modesty of his +appearance and demeanour, as Nicholas Tulrumble, the well-known +coal-dealer. However exciting the subject of discussion, however +animated the tone of the debate, or however warm the personalities +exchanged, (and even in Mudfog we get personal sometimes,) Nicholas +Tulrumble was always the same. To say truth, Nicholas, being an +industrious man, and always up betimes, was apt to fall asleep when a +debate began, and to remain asleep till it was over, when he would wake +up very much refreshed, and give his vote with the greatest complacency. +The fact was, that Nicholas Tulrumble, knowing that everybody there, had +made up his mind beforehand, considered the talking as just a long hot +botheration about nothing at all; and to the present hour it remains a +question, whether, on this point at all events, Nicholas Tulrumble was +not pretty near right. + +Time, which strews a man's head with silver, sometimes fills his pockets +with gold. As he gradually performed one good office for Nicholas +Tulrumble, he was obliging enough, not to omit the other. Nicholas began +life in a wooden tenement of four feet square, with a capital of two and +ninepence, and a stock in trade of three bushels and a-half of coals, +exclusive of the large lump which hung, by way of sign-board, outside. +Then he enlarged the shed, and kept a truck; then he left the shed, and +the truck too, and started a donkey and a Mrs. Tulrumble; then he moved +again and set up a cart; the cart was soon afterwards exchanged for a +waggon; and so he went on, like his great predecessor Whittington--only +without a cat for a partner--increasing in wealth and fame, until at +last he gave up business altogether, and retired with Mrs. Tulrumble and +family to Mudfog Hall, which he had himself erected, on something which +he endeavoured to delude himself into the belief was a hill, about a +quarter of a mile distant from the town of Mudfog. + +About this time, it began to be murmured in Mudfog that Nicholas +Tulrumble was growing vain and haughty; that prosperity and success +had corrupted the simplicity of his manners, and tainted the natural +goodness of his heart; in short, that he was setting up for a public +character, and a great gentleman, and affected to look down upon his +old companions with compassion and contempt. Whether these reports were +at the time well-founded, or not, certain it is that Mrs. Tulrumble +very shortly afterwards started a four-wheel chaise, driven by a tall +postilion in a yellow cap,--that Mr. Tulrumble junior took to smoking +cigars, and calling the footman a "feller,"--and that Mr. Tulrumble from +that time forth, was no more seen in his old seat in the chimney-corner +of the Lighterman's Arms at night. This looked bad; but, more than +this, it began to be observed that Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble attended the +corporation meetings more frequently than heretofore; that he no longer +went to sleep as he had done for so many years, but propped his eyelids +open with his two fore-fingers; that he read the newspapers by himself +at home; and that he was in the habit of indulging abroad in distant +and mysterious allusions to "masses of people," and "the property of +the country," and "productive power," and "the monied interest:" all +of which denoted and proved that Nicholas Tulrumble was either mad, or +worse; and it puzzled the good people of Mudfog amazingly. + +At length, about the middle of the month of October, Mr. Tulrumble and +family went up to London; the middle of October being, as Mrs. Tulrumble +informed her acquaintance in Mudfog, the very height of the fashionable +season. + +Somehow or other, just about this time, despite the health-preserving +air of Mudfog, the Mayor died. It was a most extraordinary circumstance; +he had lived in Mudfog for eighty-five years. The corporation didn't +understand it at all; indeed it was with great difficulty that one +old gentleman, who was a great stickler for forms, was dissuaded from +proposing a vote of censure on such unaccountable conduct. Strange as +it was, however, die he did, without taking the slightest notice of +the corporation; and the corporation were imperatively called upon to +elect his successor. So, they met for the purpose; and being very full +of Nicholas Tulrumble just then, and Nicholas Tulrumble being a very +important man, they elected him, and wrote off to London by the very +next post to acquaint Nicholas Tulrumble with his new elevation. + +Now, it being November time, and Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble being in the +capital, it fell out that he was present at the Lord Mayor's show and +dinner, at sight of the glory and splendour whereof, he, Mr. Tulrumble, +was greatly mortified, inasmuch as the reflection would force itself +on his mind, that, had he been born in London instead of in Mudfog, he +might have been a Lord Mayor too, and have patronised the judges, and +been affable to the Lord Chancellor, and friendly with the Premier, +and coldly condescending to the Secretary to the Treasury, and have +dined with a flag behind his back, and done a great many other acts +and deeds which unto Lord Mayors of London peculiarly appertain. The +more he thought of the Lord Mayor, the more enviable a personage he +seemed. To be a King was all very well; but what was the King to the +Lord Mayor? When the King made a speech, everybody knew it was somebody +else's writing; whereas here was the Lord Mayor talking away for half +an hour--all out of his own head--amidst the enthusiastic applause of +the whole company, while it was notorious that the King might talk to +his parliament till he was black in the face without getting so much +as a single cheer. As all these reflections passed through the mind of +Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble, the Lord Mayor of London appeared to him the +greatest sovereign on the face of the earth, beating the Emperor of +Russia all to nothing, and leaving the Great Mogul immeasurably behind. + +Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was pondering over these things, and inwardly +cursing the fate which had pitched his coal-shed in Mudfog, when the +letter of the corporation was put into his hand. A crimson flush mantled +over his face as he read it, for visions of brightness were already +dancing before his imagination. + +"My dear," said Mr. Tulrumble to his wife, "they have elected me, Mayor +of Mudfog." + +"Lor-a-mussy!" said Mrs. Tulrumble: "why, what's become of old Sniggs?" + +"The late Mr. Sniggs, Mrs. Tulrumble," said Mr. Tulrumble sharply, for +he by no means approved of the notion of unceremoniously designating a +gentleman who had filled the high office of Mayor as "old Sniggs,"--"The +late Mr. Sniggs, Mrs. Tulrumble, is dead." + +The communication was very unexpected; but Mrs. Tulrumble only +ejaculated "Lor-a-mussy!" once again, as if a Mayor were a mere ordinary +Christian, at which Mr. Tulrumble frowned gloomily. + +"What a pity 'tan't in London, ain't it?" said Mrs. Tulrumble, after a +short pause; "what a pity 'tan't in London, where you might have had a +show." + +"I _might_ have a show in Mudfog, if I thought proper, I apprehend," +said Mr. Tulrumble mysteriously. + +"Lor! so you might, I declare," replied Mrs. Tulrumble. + +"And a good one, too," said Mr. Tulrumble. + +"Delightful!" exclaimed Mrs. Tulrumble. + +"One which would rather astonish the ignorant people down there," said +Mr. Tulrumble. + +"It would kill them with envy," said Mrs. Tulrumble. + +So it was agreed that his Majesty's lieges in Mudfog should be +astonished with splendour, and slaughtered with envy, and that such a +show should take place as had never been seen in that town, or in any +other town before,--no, not even in London itself. + +On the very next day after the receipt of the letter, down came the +tall postilion in a post-chaise,--not upon one of the horses, but +inside--actually inside the chaise,--and, driving up to the very door +of the town-hall, where the corporation were assembled, delivered a +letter, written by the Lord knows who, and signed by Nicholas Tulrumble, +in which Nicholas said, all through four sides of closely-written, +gilt-edged, hot-pressed, Bath post letter-paper, that he responded to +the call of his fellow-townsmen with feelings of heartfelt delight; +that he accepted the arduous office which their confidence had imposed +upon him; that they would never find him shrinking from the discharge +of his duty; that he would endeavour to execute his functions with +all that dignity which their magnitude and importance demanded; and +a great deal more to the same effect. But even this was not all. The +tall postilion produced from his right-hand top-boot, a damp copy of +that afternoon's number of the county paper; and there, in large type, +running the whole length of the very first column, was a long address +from Nicholas Tulrumble to the inhabitants of Mudfog, in which he said +that he cheerfully complied with their requisition, and, in short, as +if to prevent any mistake about the matter, told them over again what +a grand fellow he meant to be, in very much the same terms as those in +which he had already told them all about the matter in his letter. + +The corporation stared at one another very hard at all this, and then +looked as if for explanation to the tall postilion, but as the tall +postilion was intently contemplating the gold tassel on the top of his +yellow cap, and could have afforded no explanation whatever, even if +his thoughts had been entirely disengaged, they contented themselves +with coughing very dubiously, and looking very grave. The tall postilion +then delivered another letter, in which Nicholas Tulrumble informed the +corporation, that he intended repairing to the town-hall, in grand state +and gorgeous procession, on the Monday afternoon then next ensuing. At +this, the corporation looked still more solemn; but, as the epistle +wound up with a formal invitation to the whole body to dine with the +Mayor on that day, at Mudfog Hall, Mudfog Hill, Mudfog, they began to +see the fun of the thing directly, and sent back their compliments, and +they'd be sure to come. + +Now there happened to be in Mudfog, as somehow or other there does +happen to be, in almost every town in the British dominions, and perhaps +in foreign dominions too--we think it very likely, but, being no great +traveller, cannot distinctly say--there happened to be, in Mudfog a +merry-tempered, pleasant-faced, good-for-nothing sort of vagabond, +with an invincible dislike to manual labour, and an unconquerable +attachment to strong beer and spirits whom everybody knew, and nobody, +except his wife, took the trouble to quarrel with, who inherited from +his ancestors the appellation of Edward Twigger, and rejoiced in the +_sobriquet_ of Bottle-nosed Ned. He was drunk upon the average once +a day, and penitent upon an equally fair calculation once a month; +and when he was penitent, he was invariably in the very last stage of +maudlin intoxication. He was a ragged, roving, roaring kind of fellow, +with a burly form, a sharp wit, and a ready head, and could turn his +hand to anything when he chose to do it. He was by no means opposed to +hard labour on principle, for he would work away at a cricket-match by +the day together,--running, and catching, and batting, and bowling, and +revelling in toil which would exhaust a galley-slave. He would have been +invaluable to a fire-office; never was a man with such a natural taste +for pumping engines, running up ladders, and throwing furniture out of +two-pair-of-stairs' windows: nor was this the only element in which he +was at home; he was a humane society in himself, a portable drag, an +animated life-preserver, and had saved more people, in his time, from +drowning, than the Plymouth life-boat, or Captain Manby's apparatus. +With all these qualifications, notwithstanding his dissipation, +Bottle-nosed Ned was a general favourite; and the authorities of Mudfog, +remembering his numerous services to the population, allowed him in +return to get drunk in his own way, without the fear of stocks, fine, or +imprisonment. He had a general licence, and he showed his sense of the +compliment by making the most of it. + +We have been thus particular in describing the character and avocations +of Bottle-nosed Ned, because it enables us to introduce a fact politely, +without hauling it into the reader's presence with indecent haste by the +head and shoulders, and brings us very naturally to relate, that on the +very same evening on which Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble and family returned to +Mudfog, Mr. Tulrumble's new secretary, just imported from London, with +a pale face and light whiskers, thrust his head down to the very bottom +of his neckcloth-tie, in at the tap-room door of the Lighterman's Arms, +and enquiring whether one Ned Twigger was luxuriating within, announced +himself as the bearer of a message from Nicholas Tulrumble, Esquire, +requiring Mr. Twigger's immediate attendance at the hall, on private +and particular business. It being by no means Mr. Twigger's interest +to affront the Mayor, he rose from the fire-place with a slight sigh, +and followed the light-whiskered secretary through the dirt and wet of +Mudfog streets, up to Mudfog Hall, without further ado. + +Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was seated in a small cavern with a skylight, +which he called his library, sketching out a plan of the procession on +a large sheet of paper; and into the cavern the secretary ushered Ned +Twigger. + +"Well, Twigger!" said Nicholas Tulrumble, condescendingly. + +There was a time when Twigger would have replied, "Well, Nick!" but that +was in the days of the truck, and a couple of years before the donkey; +so, he only bowed. + +"I want you to go into training, Twigger," said Mr. Tulrumble. + +"What for, sir?" enquired Ned, with a stare. + +"Hush, hush, Twigger!" said the Mayor. "Shut the door, Mr. Jennings. +Look here, Twigger." + +As the Mayor said this, he unlocked a high closet, and disclosed a +complete suit of brass armour, of gigantic dimensions. + +"I want you to wear this, next Monday, Twigger," said the Mayor. + +"Bless your heart and soul, sir!" replied Ned, "you might as well ask me +to wear a seventy-four pounder, or a cast-iron boiler." + +"Nonsense, Twigger! nonsense!" said the Mayor. + +"I couldn't stand under it, sir," said Twigger; "it would make mashed +potatoes of me, if I attempted it." + +"Pooh, pooh, Twigger!" returned the Mayor. "I tell you I have seen it +done with my own eyes, in London, and the man wasn't half such a man as +you are, either." + +"I should as soon have thought of a man's wearing the case of an +eight-day clock to save his linen," said Twigger, casting a look of +apprehension at the brass suit. + +"It's the easiest thing in the world," rejoined the Mayor. + +"It's nothing," said Mr. Jennings. + +"When you're used to it," added Ned. + +"You do it by degrees," said the Mayor. "You would begin with one piece +to-morrow, and two the next day, and so on, till you had got it all on. +Mr. Jennings, give Twigger a glass of rum. Just try the breast-plate, +Twigger. Stay; take another glass of rum first. Help me to lift it, Mr. +Jennings. Stand firm, Twigger! There!--it isn't half as heavy as it +looks, is it?" + +Twigger was a good strong, stout fellow; so, after a great deal of +staggering he managed to keep himself up, under the breast-plate, and +even contrived, with the aid of another glass of rum, to walk about in +it, and the gauntlets into the bargain. He made a trial of the helmet, +but was not equally successful, inasmuch he tipped over instantly,--an +accident which Mr. Tulrumble clearly demonstrated to be occasioned by +his not having a counteracting weight of brass on his legs. + +"Now, wear that with grace and propriety on Monday next," said +Tulrumble, "and I'll make your fortune." + +"I'll try what I can do, sir," said Twigger. + +"It must be kept a profound secret," said Tulrumble. + +"Of course, sir," replied Twigger. + +"And you must be sober," said Tulrumble; "perfectly sober." + +Mr. Twigger at once solemnly pledged himself to be as sober as a judge, +and Nicholas Tulrumble was satisfied, although, had we been Nicholas, we +should certainly have exacted some promise of a more specific nature; +inasmuch as, having attended the Mudfog assizes in the evening more than +once, we can solemnly testify to having seen judges with very strong +symptoms of dinner under their wigs. However, that's neither here nor +there. + +The next day, and the day following, and the day after that, Ned Twigger +was securely locked up in the small cavern with the skylight, hard at +work at the armour. With every additional piece he could manage to +stand upright in, he had on additional glass of rum; and at last, after +many partial suffocations, he contrived to get on the whole suit, and +to stagger up and down the room in it, like an intoxicated effigy from +Westminster Abbey. + +Never was man so delighted as Nicholas Tulrumble; never was woman so +charmed as Nicholas Tulrumble's wife. Here was a sight for the common +people of Mudfog! A live man in brass armour! Why, they would go wild +with wonder! + +The day--_the_ Monday--arrived. + +If the morning had been made to order, it couldn't have been better +adapted to the purpose. They never showed a better fog in London on +Lord Mayor's day, than enwrapped the town of Mudfog on that eventful +occasion. It had risen slowly and surely from the green and stagnant +water with the first light of morning, until it reached a little +above the lamp-post tops; and there it had stopped, with a sleepy, +sluggish obstinacy, which bade defiance to the sun, who had got up very +blood-shot about the eyes, as if he had been at a drinking-party over +night, and was doing his day's work with the worst possible grace. The +thick damp mist hung over the town like a huge gauze curtain. All was +dim and dismal. The church-steeples had bidden a temporary adieu to +the world below; and every object of lesser importance--houses, barns, +hedges, trees, and barges--had all taken the veil. + +The church-clock struck one. A cracked trumpet from the front-garden +of Mudfog Hall produced a feeble flourish, as if some asthmatic person +had coughed into it accidentally; the gate flew open, and out came a +gentleman, on a moist-sugar coloured charger, intended to represent +a herald, but bearing a much stronger resemblance to a court-card on +horseback. This was one of the Circus people, who always came down to +Mudfog at that time of the year, and who had been engaged by Nicholas +Tulrumble expressly for the occasion. There was the horse, whisking his +tail about, balancing himself on his hind-legs, and flourishing away +with his fore-feet, in a manner which would have gone to the hearts and +souls of any reasonable crowd. But a Mudfog crowd never was a reasonable +one, and in all probability never will be. Instead of scattering the +very fog with their shouts, as they ought most indubitably to have +done, and were fully intended to do, by Nicholas Tulrumble, they no +sooner recognised the herald, than they began to growl forth the most +unqualified disapprobation at the bare notion of his riding like any +other man. If he had come out on his head indeed, or jumping through a +hoop, or flying through a red-hot drum, or even standing on one leg with +his other foot in his mouth, they might have had something to say to +him; but for a professional gentleman to sit astride in the saddle, with +his feet in the stirrups, was rather too good a joke. So, the herald was +a decided failure, and the crowd hooted with great energy, as he pranced +ingloriously away. + +On the procession came. We were afraid to say how many supernumeraries +there were, in striped shirts and black velvet caps, to imitate the +London watermen, or how many base imitations of running-footmen, or how +many banners, which, owing to the heaviness of the atmosphere, could by +no means be prevailed on to display their inscriptions: still less do +we feel disposed to relate how the men who played the wind instruments, +looking up into the sky (we mean the fog) with musical fervour, +walked through pools of water and hillocks of mud, till they covered +the powdered heads of the running-footmen aforesaid with splashes, +that looked curious, but not ornamental; or how the barrel-organ +performer put on the wrong stop, and played one tune while the band +played another; or how the horses, being used to the arena, and not +to the streets, would stand still and dance, instead of going on and +prancing;--all of which are matters which might be dilated upon to great +advantage, but which we have not the least intention of dilating upon, +notwithstanding. + +Oh! it was a grand and beautiful sight to behold the corporation +in glass coaches, provided at the sole cost and charge of Nicholas +Tulrumble, coming rolling along, like a funeral out of mourning, and +to watch the attempts the corporation made to look great and solemn, +when Nicholas Tulrumble himself, in the four-wheel chaise, with the +tall postilion, rolled out after them, with Mr. Jennings on one side +to look like the chaplain, and a supernumerary on the other, with an +old life-guardsman's sabre, to imitate the sword-bearer; and to see the +tears rolling down the faces of the mob as they screamed with merriment. +This was beautiful! and so was the appearance of Mrs. Tulrumble and son, +as they bowed with grave dignity out of their coach-window to all the +dirty faces that were laughing around them: but it is not even with this +that we have to do, but with the sudden stopping of the procession at +another blast of the trumpet, whereat, and whereupon, a profound silence +ensued, and all eyes were turned towards Mudfog Hull, in the confident +anticipation of some new wonder. + +"They won't laugh now, Mr. Jennings," said Nicholas Tulrumble. + +"I think not, sir," said Mr. Jennings. + +"See how eager they look," said Nicholas Tulrumble. "Aha! the laugh will +be on our side now; eh, Mr. Jennings?" + +"No doubt of that, sir," replied Mr. Jennings; and Nicholas Tulrumble, +in a state of pleasurable excitement, stood up in the four-wheel chaise, +and telegraphed gratification to the Mayoress behind. + +While all this was going forward, Ned Twigger had descended into the +kitchen of Mudfog Hall for the purpose of indulging the servants with +a private view of the curiosity that was to burst upon the town; and, +somehow or other, the footman was so companionable, and the housemaid +so kind, and the cook so friendly, that he could not resist the offer +of the first-mentioned to sit down and take something--just to drink +success to master in. + +So, down Ned Trigger sat himself in his brass livery on the top of +the kitchen-table; and in a mug of something strong, paid for by the +unconscious Nicholas Tulrumble, and provided by the companionable +footman, drank success to the Mayor and his procession; and, as Ned laid +by his helmet to imbibe the something strong, the companionable footman +put it on his own head, to the immeasurable and unrecordable delight of +the cook and housemaid. The companionable footman was very facetious +to Ned, and Ned was very gallant to the cook and housemaid by turns. +They were all very cosy and comfortable; and the something strong went +briskly round. + +At last Ned Twigger was loudly called for, by the procession people: +and, having had his helmet fixed on, in a very complicated manner, by +the companionable footman, and the kind housemaid, and the friendly +cook, he walked gravely forth, and appeared before the multitude. + +The crowd roared--it was not with wonder, it was not with surprise; it +was most decidedly and unquestionably with laughter. + +"What!" said Mr. Tulrumble, starting up in the four-wheel chaise. +"Laughing? If they laugh at a man in real brass armour, they'd laugh +when their own fathers were dying. Why doesn't he go into his place, Mr. +Jennings? What's he rolling down towards us for?--he has no business +here!" + +"I am afraid, sir----" faltered Mr. Jennings. + +"Afraid of what, sir?" said Nicholas Tulrumble, looking up into the +secretary's face. + +"I am afraid he's drunk, sir;" replied Mr. Jennings. + +Nicholas Tulrumble took one look at the extraordinary figure that was +bearing down upon them; and then, clasping his secretary by the arm, +uttered an audible groan in anguish of spirit. + +It is a melancholy fact that Mr. Twigger having full licence to demand +a single glass of rum on the putting on of every piece of the armour, +got, by some means or other, rather out in his calculation in the +hurry and confusion of preparation, and drank about four glasses to a +piece instead of one, not to mention the something strong which went +on the top of it. Whether the brass armour checked the natural flow +of perspiration, and thus prevented the spirit from evaporating, we +are not scientific enough to know; but, whatever the cause was, Mr. +Twigger no sooner found himself outside the gate of Mudfog Hall, than +he also found himself in a very considerable state of intoxication; +and hence his extraordinary style of progressing. This was bad enough, +but, as if fate and fortune had conspired against Nicholas Tulrumble, +Mr. Twigger, not having been penitent for a good calendar month, took +it into his head to be most especially and particularly sentimental, +just when his repentance could have been most conveniently dispensed +with. Immense tears were rolling down his cheeks, and he was vainly +endeavouring to conceal his grief by applying to his eyes a blue +cotton pocket-handkerchief with white spots,--an article not strictly +in keeping with a suit of armour some three hundred years old, or +thereabouts. + +"Twigger, you villain!" said Nicholas Tulrumble, quite forgetting his +dignity, "go back!" + +"Never," said Ned. "I'm a miserable wretch. I'll never leave you." + +The by-standers of course received this declaration with acclamations of +"That's right, Ned; don't!" + +"I don't intend it," said Ned, with all the obstinacy of a very tipsy +man. "I'm very unhappy. I'm the wretched father of an unfortunate +family; but I am very faithful, sir. I'll never leave you." Having +reiterated this obliging promise, Ned proceeded in broken words to +harangue the crowd upon the number of years he had lived in Mudfog, the +excessive respectability of his character, and other topics of the like +nature. + +"Here! will anybody lead him away?" said Nicholas: "if they'll call on +me afterwards, I'll reward them well." + +Two or three men stepped forward, with the view of bearing Ned off, when +the secretary interposed. + +"Take care! take care!" said Mr. Jennings. "I beg your pardon, sir; but +they'd better not go too near him, because, if he falls over, he'll +certainly crush somebody." + +At this hint the crowd retired on all sides to a very respectful +distance, and left Ned, like the Duke of Devonshire, in a little circle +of his own. + +"But, Mr. Jennings," said Nicholas Tulrumble, "he'll be suffocated." + +"I'm very sorry for it, sir," replied Mr. Jennings; "but nobody can get +that armour off, without his own assistance. I'm quite certain of it, +from the way he put it on." + +Here Ned wept dolefully, and shook his helmeted head, in a manner that +might have touched a heart of stone; but the crowd had not hearts of +stone, and they laughed heartily. + +"Dear me, Mr. Jennings," said Nicholas, turning pale at the possibility +of Ned's being smothered in his antique costume--"Dear me, Mr. Jennings, +can nothing be done with him?" + +"Nothing at all," replied Ned, "nothing at all. Gentlemen, I'm an +unhappy wretch. I'm a body, gentlemen, in a brass coffin." At this +poetical idea of his own conjuring up, Ned cried so much that the people +began to get sympathetic, and to ask what Nicholas Tulrumble meant by +putting a man into such a machine as that; and one individual in a hairy +waistcoat like the top of a trunk, who had previously expressed his +opinion that if Ned hadn't been a poor man, Nicholas wouldn't have dared +to do it, hinted at the propriety of breaking the four-wheel chaise, +or Nicholas's head, or both, which last compound proposition the crowd +seemed to consider a very good notion. + +It was not acted upon, however, for it had hardly been broached, when +Ned Twigger's wife made her appearance abruptly in the little circle +before noticed, and Ned no sooner caught a glimpse of her face and form, +than from the mere force of habit he set off towards his home just as +fast as his legs would carry him; and that was not very quick in the +present instance either, for, however ready they might have been to +carry _him_, they couldn't get on very well under the brass armour. +So, Mrs. Twigger had plenty of time to denounce Nicholas Tulrumble to +his face: to express her opinion that he was a decided monster; and to +intimate that, if her ill-used husband sustained any personal damage +from the brass armour, she would have the law of Nicholas Tulrumble +for manslaughter. When she had said all this with due vehemence, she +posted after Ned, who was dragging himself along as best he could, and +deploring his unhappiness in most dismal tones. + +What a wailing and screaming Ned's children raised when he got home at +last! Mrs. Twigger tried to undo the armour, first in one place, and +then in another, but she couldn't manage it; so she tumbled Ned into +bed, helmet, armour, gauntlets, and all. Such a creaking as the bedstead +made, under Ned's weight in his new suit! It didn't break down though; +and there Ned lay, like the anonymous vessel in the Bay of Biscay, till +next day, drinking barley-water, and looking miserable: and every time +he groaned, his good lady said it served him right, which was all the +consolation Ned Twigger got. + +Nicholas Tulrumble and the gorgeous procession went on together to +the town-hall, amid the hisses and groans of all the spectators, who +had suddenly taken it into their heads to consider poor Ned a martyr. +Nicholas was formally installed in his new office, in acknowledgment +of which ceremony he delivered himself of a speech, composed by the +secretary, which was very long and no doubt very good, only the noise +of the people outside prevented anybody from hearing it, but Nicholas +Tulrumble himself. After which, the procession got back to Mudfog Hall +any how it could; and Nicholas and the corporation sat down to dinner. + +But the dinner was flat, and Nicholas was disappointed. They were such +dull sleepy old fellows, that corporation. Nicholas made quite as long +speeches as the Lord Mayor of London had done, nay, he said the very +same things that the Lord Mayor of London had said, and the deuce a +cheer the corporation gave him. There was only one man in the party who +was thoroughly awake; and he was insolent, and called him Nick. Nick! +What would be the consequence, thought Nicholas, of anybody presuming to +call the Lord Mayor of London "Nick!" He should like to know what the +sword-bearer would say to that; or the recorder, or the toast-master, or +any other of the great officers of the city. They'd nick him. + +But these were not the worst of Nicholas Tulrumble's doings; If they +had been, he might have remained a Mayor to this day, and have talked +till he lost his voice. He contracted a relish for statistics, and got +philosophical; and the statistics and the philosophy together, led him +into an act which increased his unpopularity and hastened his downfall. + +At the very end of the Mudfog High-street, and abutting on the +river-side, stands the Jolly Boatmen, an old-fashioned, low-roofed, +bay-windowed house, with a bar, kitchen, and tap-room all in one, and a +large fire-place with a kettle to correspond, round which the working +men have congregated time out of mind on a winter's night, refreshed by +draughts of good strong beer, and cheered by the sounds of a fiddle and +tambourine: the Jolly Boatmen having been duly licensed by the Mayor +and corporation, to scrape the fiddle and thumb the tambourine from +time, whereof the memory of the oldest inhabitants goeth not to the +contrary. Now Nicholas Tulrumble had been reading pamphlets on crime, +and parliamentary reports,--or had made the secretary read them to him, +which is the same thing in effect,--and he at once perceived that this +fiddle and tambourine must have done more to demoralise Mudfog, than any +other operating causes that ingenuity could imagine. So he read up for +the subject, and determined to come out on the corporation with a burst, +the very next time the licence was applied for. + +The licensing day came, and the red-faced landlord of the Jolly Boatmen, +walked into the town-hall, looking as jolly as need be, having actually +put on an extra fiddle for that night, to commemorate the anniversary +of the Jolly Boatmen's music licence. It was applied for in due form, +and was just about to be granted as a matter of course, when up rose +Nicholas Tulrumble, and drowned the astonished corporation in a torrent +of eloquence. He descanted in glowing terms upon the increasing +depravity of his native town of Mudfog, and the excesses committed by +its population. Then, he related how shocked he had been, to see barrels +of beer sliding down into the cellar of the Jolly Boatmen week after +week; and how he had sat at a window opposite the Jolly Boatmen for two +days together, to count the people who went in for beer between the +hours of twelve and one o'clock alone--which, by-the-bye, was the time +at which the great majority of the Mudfog people dined. Then, he went on +to state, how the number of people who came out with beer-jugs, averaged +twenty-one in five minutes, which, being multiplied by twelve, gave two +hundred and fifty-two people with beer-jugs in an hour, and multiplied +again by fifteen (the number of hours during which the house was open +daily) yielded three thousand seven hundred and eighty people with +beer-jugs per day, or twenty-six thousand four hundred and sixty people +with beer-jugs, per week. Then he proceeded to show that a tambourine +and moral degradation were synonymous terms, and a fiddle and vicious +propensities wholly inseparable. All these arguments he strengthened +and demonstrated by frequent references to a large book with a blue +cover, and sundry quotations from the Middlesex magistrates; and in the +end, the corporation, who were posed with the figures, and sleepy with +the speech, and sadly in want of dinner into the bargain, yielded the +palm to Nicholas Tulrumble, and refused the music licence to the Jolly +Boatmen. + +But although Nicholas triumphed, his triumph was short. He carried on +the war against beer-jugs and fiddles, forgetting the time when he +was glad to drink out of the one, and to dance to the other, till the +people hated, and his old friends shunned him. He grew tired of the +lonely magnificence of Mudfog Hall, and his heart yearned towards the +Lighterman's Arms. He wished he had never set up as a public man, and +sighed for the good old times of the coal-shop, and the chimney-corner. + +At length old Nicholas, being thoroughly miserable, took heart of grace, +paid the secretary a quarter's wages in advance, and packed him off to +London by the next coach. Having taken this step, he put his hat on his +head, and his pride in his pocket, and walked down to the old room at +the Lighterman's Arms. There were only two of the old fellows there, and +they looked coldly on Nicholas as he proffered his hand. + +"Are you going to put down pipes, Mr. Tulrumble?" said one. + +"Or trace the progress of crime to 'baccer?" growled the other. + +"Neither," replied Nicholas Tulrumble, shaking hands with them both, +whether they would or not. "I've come down to say that I'm very sorry +for having made a fool of myself, and that I hope you'll give me up the +old chair, again." + +The old fellows opened their eyes, and three or four more old fellows +opened the door, to whom Nicholas, with tears in his eyes, thrust out +his hand too, and told the same story. They raised a shout of joy, that +made the bells in the ancient church-tower vibrate again, and wheeling +the old chair into the warm corner, thrust old Nicholas down into it, +and ordered in the very largest-sized bowl of hot punch, with an +unlimited number of pipes, directly. + +The next day, the Jolly Boatmen got the licence, and the next night, +old Nicholas and Ned Twigger's wife led off a dance to the music of +the fiddle and tambourine, the tone of which seemed mightily improved +by a little rest, for they never had played so merrily before. Ned +Twigger was in the very height of his glory, and he danced hornpipes, +and balanced chairs on his chin, and straws on his nose, till the whole +company, including the corporation, were in raptures of admiration at +the brilliancy of his acquirements. + +Mr. Tulrumble, junior, couldn't make up his mind to be anything but +magnificent, so he went up to London and drew bills on his father; and +when he had overdrawn, and got into debt, he grew penitent and came home +again. + +As to old Nicholas, he kept his word, and having had six weeks of public +life, never tried it any more. He went to sleep in the town-hall at the +very next meeting; and, in full proof of his sincerity, has requested us +to write this faithful narrative. We wish it could have the effect of +reminding the Tulrumbles of another sphere, that puffed-up conceit is +not dignity, and that snarling at the little pleasures they were once +glad to enjoy, because they would rather forget the times when they were +of lower station, renders them objects of contempt and ridicule. + +This is the first time we have published any of our gleanings from this +particular source. Perhaps, at some future period, we may venture to +open the chronicles of Mudfog. + BOZ. + + + + + THE HOT WELLS OF CLIFTON. + + SCRAP, No. II. _Water-grass-hill._ + +The "poems of Ossian," a celtic bard, and the "rhymes of Rowley," a +Bristol priest, burst on the public at one and the same period; when the +attention of literary men was for a time totally absorbed in discussing +the respective discoveries of Macpherson and of Chatterton. "The fashion +of this world passeth away;" and what once engaged so much notice is now +sadly neglected. Indeed, had not Bonaparte taken a fancy to the ravings +of the mad highlander, and had not Chatterton swallowed oxalic acid, +probably far more brief had been the space both would have occupied +in the memory of mankind. In the garret of Holborn, where the latter +expired, the following _morceau_ was picked up by an Irish housemaid +(a native of this parish), who, in writing home to a sweetheart, +converted it into an envelope for her letter. It thus came into +my possession. + P. PROUT. + + + + + TO THE HOT WELLS OF CLIFTON, + IN PRAISE OF RUM-PUNCH. + + A Triglot Ode, viz. + + 1º [Greek: Pindarou peri reumatos ôdê.] + 2º Horatii in fontem Bristolii carmen. + 3º A Relick (unpublished) of "the unfortunate Chatterton." + + PINDAR. HORACE. CHATTERTON. + [Greek: Pêgê Bristolias O fons Bristolii I ken your worth + Mallon en ualô Hoc magis in vitro "Hot wells" of Bristol, + Lampous' anthesi syn Dulci digne mero That bubble forth + Nektaros axiê Non sine floribus As clear as crystal;... + S' antlô Vas impleveris In parlour snug + Reumati pollô Undâ I'd wish no hotter + Misgôn Mel solvente To mix a jug + Kai melitos poly.] Caloribus. Of Rum and Water. + + + [Greek: b.] II. 2. + [Greek: Anêr kan tis eran Si quis vel venerem Doth Love, young chiel, + Bouletai ê machan Aut prælia cogitat, One's bosom ruffle? + Soi Bakchou patharon Is Bacchi calidos Would any feel + Soi diachrônnysei Inficiet tibi Ripe for a scuffle? + Phoinô Rubro sanguine The simplest plan + Th' aimati nama Rivos, Is just to take a + Prothymos te Fiet protinus Well stiffened can + Tach' essetai.] Impiger! Of old Jamaica. + + + [Greek: g.] III. 3. + [Greek: Se phlegm' aithaloen Te flagrante bibax Beneath the zone + Seiriou asteros Ore caniculâ Grog in a pail or + Armozei plôtori Sugit navita: tu Rum--best alone-- + Sy kryos êdyn en Frigus amabile Delights the sailor. + Nêsois Fessis vomere The can he swills + Antilesaisi Mauris Alone gives vigour + Poieis Præbes ac In the Antilles + K' aithiopôn phylô.] Homini nigro. To white or nigger. + + + [Greek: d.] IV. 4. + [Greek:Krênais en te kalais Fies nobilium Thy claims, O fount, + Esseai aglaê Tu quoque fontium Deserve attention: + S' en koilô kylaki Me dicente; cavum Henceforward count + Enthemenên eôs Dum calicem reples On classic mention. + Umnêsô, Urnamque Right pleasant stuff + Lalon ex ou Unde loquaces Thine to the lip is ... + Son de reuma kathalletai.] Lymphæ We've had enough + Desiliunt tuæ. Of Aganippe's. + + + + + "WHO MILKED MY COW?" OR, THE MARINE GHOST. + BY THE AUTHOR OF "RATTLIN THE REEFER." + +Captain the Honourable Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban, of that beautiful +ship his Majesty's frigate Nænia, loved many things. He loved his ship +truly, and with a perdurable affection; yet he loved something still +more, his very aristocratic self. He had also vowed to love and cherish +another person; but what gallant spirit would yield love, even if it +were as plenty as blackberries, upon compulsion? The less you give away, +the more must remain to be employed in the service of the possessor. +Captain Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban had a great deal of unoccupied love +at his disposal. Considering duly these premises, there can be nothing +surprising in the fact if he had a surplus affection or two to dispose +of, and that he most ardently loved new milk every morning for +breakfast. + +Now Captain the Honourable Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban--(how delightful +it is to give the whole title when it is either high-sounding or +euphonous!)--had large estates and wide pasture-lands populous with +lowing kine. But all these availed him not; for, though he was sovereign +lord and master _pro tempore_ over all as far as the eye could reach, +on the morning of the 6th of June 1826, he could not command so much of +the sky-blueish composition that is sold for milk in London, as could +be bought for one halfpenny in that sovereign city of many pumps. The +fields spread around the honourable captain were wide and green enough, +but, alas! they were not pastured with mammiferous animals. Neptune has +never been known to take cream to his chocolate and coffee. He would +scorn to be called a milk-and-water gentlemen. There is the sea-cow +certainly, but we never heard much respecting the quality of her butter. + +We are careful. We will not lay ourselves open to animadversion. We have +read books. We have seen things. Therefore we cannot suffer the little +triumph to the little critics who were just going to tell us that all +the cetaceous tribes suckle their young. We can tell these critics more +than they know themselves. Whale's milk _is_ good for the _genus homo_. +We know two brawny fellows, maintop-men, who, being cast overboard when +infants, were, like Romulus and Remus with their she-bear, suckled by +a sperm-whale; and, when their huge wet-nurse wished to wean them, she +cast them ashore on one of the Friendly Islands. We think that we hear +the incredulous exclaim, "Very like a whale!" Why, so it was. + +But to return to another matter of history. On the memorable morning +before indicated, the honourable captain, the first lieutenant, the +doctor, the marine officer, the officer and the midshipman of the +morning watch, had all assembled to breakfast in the cabin. They had +not forgotten their appetites, particularly the gentlemen of the +morning watch. They were barbarous and irate in their hunger, as their +eyes wandered over cold fowl and ham, hot rolls, grilled kidneys, and +devilled legs of turkey. + +"By all the stars in heaven," said the honourable commander, "no milk +again this morning! Give me, you rascally steward," continued the +captain, "a plain, straightforward, categorical answer. Why does this +infernal cow, for which I gave such a heap of dollars, give me no +milk?"--"Well, sir," said the trembling servitor; "if, sir, you must +have a plain answer, I really--believe--it is--because--I don't know." + +"A dry answer," said the doctor, who was in most senses a dry fellow. + +"You son of a shotten herring!" said the captain, "can you milk +her?"--"Yes, sir." + +"Then why, in the name of all that is good, don't you?"--"I do, sir, +but it won't come." + +"Then let us go," said the captain, quite resignedly, "let us go, +gentlemen, and see what ails this infernal cow; I can't eat my breakfast +without milk, and breakfast is the meal that I generally enjoy most." + +So he, leading the way, was followed by his company, who cast many a +longing, lingering look behind. + +Forward they went to where the cow was _stalled_ by capstan-bars, as +comfortably as a prebendary, between two of the guns on the main-deck. +She seemed in excellent condition; ate her nutritious food with much +appetite; and, from her appearance, the captain might have very +reasonably expected, not only an ample supply of milk and cream for +breakfast and tea, but also a sufficient quantity to afford him custards +for dinner. + +Well, there stood the seven officers of his Majesty's naval service +round the arid cow, looking very like seven wise men just put to sea in +a bowl. + +"Try again," said the captain to his servant. If the attempt had been +only fruitless, there had been no matter for wonder; it was milkless. + +"The fool can't milk," said the captain; then turning round to his +officers despondingly, he exclaimed, "gentlemen, can any of you?" + +Having all protested that they had left off, some thirty, some forty, +and some fifty years, according to their respective ages, and the marine +officer saying that he never had had any practice at all, having been +brought up by hand, the gallant and disappointed hero was obliged to +order the boatswain's mates to pass the word fore and aft, to send every +one to him who knew how to milk a cow. + +Seventeen Welshmen, sixty-five Irishmen, (all on board,) and four lads +from Somersetshire made their appearance, moistened their fingers, and +set to work, one after the other; yet there was no milk. + +"What do you think of this, doctor?" said the captain to him, taking him +aside.--"That the animal has been milked a few hours before." + +"Hah! If I was sure of that. And the cow could have been milked only by +some one who _could_ milk?"--"The inference seems indisputable." + +The captain turned upon the numerous aspirants for lacteal honours with +no friendly eye, exclaiming sorrowfully, "Too many to flog, too many to +flog. Let us return to our breakfast; though I shall not be able to eat +a morsel or drink a drop. Here, boatswain's-mate, pass the word round +the ship that I'll give five guineas reward to any one who will tell me +who milked the captain's cow." + +The gentleman then all retired to the cabin, and, with the exception +of the captain, incontinently fell upon the good things. Now, the +midshipman of that morning's watch was a certain Mr. Littlejohn, usually +abbreviated into Jack Small. When Jack Small had disposed of three hot +rolls, half a fowl, and a pound of ham, and was handing in his plate for +a well devilled turkey's thigh, his eye fell compassionately upon his +fasting captain, and his heart opening to the softer emotions as his +stomach filled with his host's delicacies, the latter's want of the milk +of the cow stirred up within him his own milk of human kindness. + +"I am very sorry that you have no appetite," said Jack Small, with his +mouth very full, and quite protectingly, to his skipper; "very sorry, +indeed, sir: and, as you cannot make your breakfast without any milk, +I think, sir, that the midshipmen's berth could lend you a bottle." + +"The devil they can, younker. Oh, oh! It's good and fresh, hey?" + +"Very good and fresh, sir," said the midshipman, ramming down the words +with a large wadding of hot roll. + +"We must borrow some of it, by all means," said the captain; "but let +the midshipmen's servant bring it here himself." + +The necessary orders having been issued, the bottle of milk and the boy +appeared. + +"Did you know," said Captain Fitzalban, turning to his first lieutenant, +"that the midshipmen's berth was provided with milk, and that too after +being at sea a month?"--"Indeed I did not; they are better provided than +we are, at least in this respect, in the ward-room." + +"Do you think,--do you think," said the captain, trembling with rage, +"that any of the young blackguards dare milk my cow?"--"It is not easy +to say what they dare not do." + +However, the cork was drawn, and the milk found not only to be very +fresh indeed, but most suspiciously new. In the latitude of the +Caribbean Islands liquids in general are sufficiently warm, so the +captain could not lay much stress upon that. + +"As fine milk as ever I tasted," said the captain. + +"Very good indeed, sir," said the midshipman, overflowing his cup and +saucer with the delicious liquid. + +"Where do the young gentlemen procure it?" resumed the captain, pouring +very carefully what remained after the exactions of John Small into the +cream-jug, and moving it close to his own plate.--"It stands us rather +dear, sir," said Mr. Littlejohn,--"a dollar a bottle. We buy it of Joe +Grummet, the captain of the waisters." + +The captain and first lieutenant looked at each other unutterable things. + +Joe Grummet was in the cabin in an instant, and the captain bending upon +him his sharp and angry glances. Joseph was a sly old file, a seaman to +the backbone; and let the breeze blow from what quarter of the compass +it would, he had always an eye to windward. Fifty years had a little +grizzled his strong black hair, and, though innovation had deprived +him of the massive tail that whilome hung behind, there were still +some fancy curls that corkscrewed themselves down his weather-stained +temples; and, when he stood before the captain, in one of these he +hitched the first bend of the immense fore-finger of his right hand. He +hobbled a little in his gait, owing to an unextracted musket-ball that +had lodged in his thigh; consequently he never went aloft; and had been, +for his merits and long services, appointed captain of the waist. + +The Honorable Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban said to the veteran mariner +quickly, and pointing at the same time to the empty bottle, "Grummet, +you have milked my cow."--"Unpossible, sir," said Grummet, bashing at a +bow; "downright unpossible, your honour." + +"Then, pray, whence comes the fresh milk you sell every morning to the +young gentlemen?"--"Please your honour, I took two or three dozen of +bottles to sea with me on a kind o' speculation." + +"Grummet, my man, I am afraid this will turn out a bad one for you. Go +and show your hands to the doctor, and he'll ask you a few questions." + +So Joseph Grummet went and expanded his flippers before the eyes of +the surgeon. They were nearly as large and as shapely as the fins of a +porpoise, and quite of the colour. They had been tanned and tarred till +their skin had become more durable than bootleather, and they were quite +rough enough to have rasped close-grained wood. + +"I don't think our friend could have milked your cow, Captain +Fitzalban," said the doctor; "at least, not with his hands: they are +rather calculated to draw blood than milk." + +Joseph rolled his eyes about and looked his innocence most pathetically. +He was not yet quite out of danger. + +Now there was every reason in the world why this cow should give the +captain at least a gallon of milk per diem--but one, and that he was +most anxious to discover. The cow was in the best condition; since she +had been embarked, the weather had been fine enough to have pleased +Europa herself; she had plenty of provender, both dry and fresh. There +were fragrant clover closely packed in bags, delicious oat-cakes--meal +and water, and fine junks of juicy plantain.--The cow throve, but gave +no milk! + +"So you brought a few dozen bottles of milk to sea with you as a +venture?" continued the man of medicine in his examination.--"I did, +sir." + +"And where did you procure them?"--"At English Harbour, sir." + +"May I ask of whom?"--"Madame Juliana, the fat free Negro woman." + +"Now, my man," said the doctor, looking a volume and a half of Galen, +and holding up a cautionary fore-finger--"now, my man, do not hope to +deceive _me_. How did you prevent the acetous fermentation from taking +place in these bottles of milk?" + +The question certainly was a puzzler. Joe routed with his fingers among +his hair for an answer. At length he fancied he perceived a glimmering +of the doctor's meaning; so he hummed and ha-ed, until, the doctor's +patience being exhausted, he repeated more peremptorily, "How did you +prevent acetous fermentation taking place in these bottles of milk?" + +"By paying ready money for them, sir," said the badgered seaman boldly. + +"An excellent preventative against fermentation certainly," said the +captain half smiling. "But you answer the doctor like a fool." + +"I was never accused of such a thing, please your honour, before, sir," +said tarrybrecks, with all his sheets and tacks abroad. + +"Very likely, my man, very likely," answered the captain, with a look +that would have been invaluable in a vinegar manufactory. "How did you +prevent this milk from turning sour?" + +"Ah, sir!" said Grummet, now wide awake to his danger: "if you please, +sir, I humbly axes your pardon, but that's my secret." + +"Then by all that's glorious I'll flog it out of you!" + +"I humbly hopes not, sir. I am sure your honour won't flog an old seaman +who has fought with Howe and Nelson, and who was wounded in the sarvice +before your honour was born; you won't flog him, sir, only because he +can't break his oath." + +"So you have sworn not to divulge it, hey?" + +"Ah, sir: if I might be so bold as to say so, your honour's a witch!" + +"Take care of yourself, Joseph Grummet; I do advise you to take care of +yourself. Folly is a great betrayer of secrets, Joseph. Cunning may milk +cows without discovery: however, I will never punish without proof. How +many bottles of this excellent milk have you yet left?"--"Eight or ten, +sir, more or less, according to sarcumstances." + +"Well! I will give you a dollar a-piece for all you have." + +At this proposition Joseph Grummet shuffled about, not at all at his +ease, now looking very sagacious, now very foolish, till, at last, he +brought down his features to express the most deprecating humility of +which their iron texture was capable, and he then whined forth, "I would +not insult you, sir, by treating you all as one as a midshipman. No, +your honour: I knows the respect that's due to you,--I couldn't think of +letting you, sir, have a bottle under three dollars--it wouldn't be at +all respectful like." + +"Grummet," said Captain Fitzalban, "you are not only a thorough seaman, +but a thorough knave. Now, have you the conscience to make me pay three +dollars a bottle for my own milk?"--"Ah, sir, you don't know how much +the secret has cost me." + +"Nor do you know how dearly it may cost you yet." + +Joseph Grommet then brought into the cabin his remaining stock in +trade, which, instead of eight or ten, was found to consist only of +two bottles. The captain, though with evident chagrin, paid for them +honourably; and whilst the milkman _pro temp._ was knotting up the six +dollars in the tie of the handkerchief about his neck, the skipper said +to him, "Now, my man, since we part such good friends, tell me your +candid opinion concerning this cow of mine?"--"Why, sir, I thinks as how +it's the good people as milks her." + +"The good people! who the devil are they?"--"The fairies, your honour." + +"And what do they do with it?"--"Very few can tell, your honour; but +those who gets it are always desarving folks." + +"Such as old wounded seamen, and captains of the waist especially. Well, +go along to your duty. Look out! _cats_ love milk." + +So Joseph Grummet went forth from the cabin shrugging up his shoulders, +with an ominous presentiment of scratches upon them. The captain, the +Honourable Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban, gave the marine officer orders +to place a sentry night and day over his cow, and then dismissed his +guests. + +The honourable commander was, for the rest of day, in a most +unconscionable ill humour. The ship's sails were beautifully trimmed, +the breeze was just what it ought to have been. The heavens above, and +the waters below, were striving to outsmile each other. What then made +the gallant captain so miserable? He was thinking only of the temerity +of the man who had dared to _milk his cow_. + +The first lieutenant touched his hat most respectfully to the Honourable +Captain Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban, and acquainted him that the sun +indicated it to be twelve o'clock. + +"Milk my cow!" said the captain abstractedly. + +"Had not that better be postponed till to-morrow morning, Captain +Fitzalban?" said the lieutenant, with a very little smile; "and in the +mean time may we strike the bell, and pipe to dinner?" + +The captain gazed upon the gallant officer sorrowfully, and, as he shook +his head, his looks said as plainly as looks could speak, and with the +deepest pathos, "They never milked _his_ cow." + +"Do what is necessary," at last he uttered; then, pulling his hat more +over his eyes, he continued to pace the quarter-deck. + +Now, though the Honourable Captain Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban was the +younger son of a nobleman, and enjoyed a very handsome patrimony, and +his temper had been thoroughly spoiled by that process that is too +often called education, yet his heart was sound, English, and noble. He +revolted from doing an unjust action; yet he smarted dreadfully under +the impression that he was cheated and laughed at to his very face. +He did not think that Joseph Grummet had milked his cow, but he felt +assured that the same milk-dealing Joseph knew who did; yet was he too +humane to introduce the Inquisition on board his ship by extracting the +truth by torture. + +The Honourable Captain Fitzroy Fitzalban slept late on the succeeding +morning. He had been called at daylight, _pro forma_, but had merely +turned from his left side to the right, muttering something about a cow. +It must be supposed that the slumbers of the morning indemnified him for +the horrors of the night, for breakfast was on the table, and the usual +guests assembled, when the captain emerged from the after-cabin. + +There was no occasion to ask the pale and trembling steward if the cow +had given any milk that morning. + +The breakfast remained untouched by the captain, and passed off in +active silence by his guests. Not wishing to excite more of the derision +of Jack than was absolutely necessary, the Honourable the Captain +Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban, when he found that the various officers whom +he had invited to breakfast had sufficiently "improved the occasion," +as the methodists say, turned to the first lieutenant, who was again +his guest, and asked him if nothing had transpired on the over-night to +warrant a suspicion as to the lacteal felony. + +The first luff looked very mysterious, and not wholly disposed to be +communicative upon the subject. He had been piously brought up, and was +not at all inclined to be sarcastic upon the score of visions or the +visited of ghosts; yet, at the same time, he did not wish to subject +himself to the ridicule of his captain, who had rationally enough +postponed his belief in apparitions until he had seen one. Under these +difficulties, he replied hesitatingly, that a ghost had been reported +as having "come on board before daylight in the morning, without leave." + +"A ghost, Mr. Mitchell, come on board, and I not called!" said the +indignant captain: "By G--, sir, I would have turned out a guard of +honour to have received him! I would have sooner had a visit from his +spirituality than from his Excellency the Spanish Ambassador.--The +service, sir, has come to a pretty pass, when a ghost can come on board, +and leave the ship too, I presume, without even so much as the boatswain +to pipe the side. So the ghost came, I suppose, and milked my cow?" + +The first lieutenant, in answer, spoke with all manner of humility. He +represented that he had been educated as a seaman and as an officer, and +not for a doctor of divinity; therefore he could not pretend to account +for these preternatural visitations. He could only state the fact, +and that not so well as the first lieutenant of marines. "He begged, +therefore, to refer to him." + +That officer was immediately sent for, and he made his appearance +accompanied by one of the serjeants, and then it was asserted that, +when the guard went round to relieve the sentries, they found the man +who had been stationed over the cow, lying on the deck senseless in a +fit, and his bayonet could nowhere be found. When by the means of one of +the assistant-surgeons, who had been immediately summoned, he had been +sufficiently recovered to articulate, all the explanation they could +get from him was, that he had seen a ghost; and the very mention of the +fact, so great was his terror, had almost caused a relapse. + +"Send the poltroon here immediately: I'll ghost him!" cried the enraged +captain. In answer to this he was informed, that the man lay seriously +ill in his hammock in the sick-bay, and that the doctor was at that very +moment with the patient. + +"I'll see him myself," said the captain. + +As the honourable captain, with his _cortège_ of officers, passed +along the decks on his way to the sick-bay, he thought--or his sense +of hearing most grievously deceived him--that more than once he heard +sneering and gibing voices exclaim, "Who milked my cow?" but the moment +he turned his head in the direction from whence the sounds proceeded, he +saw nothing but visages the most sanctimonious: indeed they, instead of +the unfortunate sentry, appeared to have seen the ghost. The captain's +amiability that morning might have been expressed by the algebraical +term--minus a cipher. + +When the skipper hauled alongside the sick man, he found that the +doctor, having bled him, was preparing to blister his head, the ship's +barber at the time being occupied in very sedulously shaving it. The +patient was fast putting himself upon an equality to contend with +his supernatural visitant, by making a ghost of himself. He was in a +high fever and delirious,--unpleasant things in the West Indies! All +the captain could get from him was, "The devil--flashes of fire--milk +cow--horrible teeth--devil's cow--ship haunted--nine yards of blue +flame--throw cow overboard--go to heaven--kicked the pail down--horns +tipped with red-hot iron," and other rhapsodies to the same effect. + +From the man the captain went to the cow; but she was looking +excessively sleek, and mild, and amiable, and eating her breakfast with +the relish of an outside mail-coach passenger. The captain shook his +head, and thought himself the most persecuted of beings. + +When this self-estimated injured character gained the quarter-deck, he +commenced ruminating on the propriety of flogging Joseph Grummet; for, +with the loss of his cow's milk, he had lost all due sense of human +kindness. But, as the Lords of the Admiralty had lately insisted upon +a report being forwarded to them of every punishment that took place, +the number of lashes, and the crime for which they were inflicted, +the Honourable the Captain Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban thought that a +report would look rather queer running thus: "Joseph Grummet, captain +of the waist, six dozen, because my cow gave no milk," or "because +private-marine Snickchops saw a ghost," or "for selling the midshipmen +sundry bottles of milk;" and this last imagination reminded him that +there was one of this highly-gifted class walking to leeward of him. +"Mr. Littlejohn!" said the captain with a voice that crawled over the +nerves like the screeching of an ill-filed saw. + +Small Jack touched his hat with more than usual respect to the +exasperated officer, and then, stepping to windward, humbly confronted +him. + +The captain was too angry for many words; so, looking fearfully into +the happy countenance of the reefer, and pointing his fore-finger down +perpendicularly, he laconically uttered, "Milk this morning?"--"Yes, +sir." + +"Good?" + +The well-breakfasted midshipman licked his lips, and smiled. + +"Grummet?"--"Yes, sir." + +"Tell the boatswain's mate to send him aft."--"Ay, ay, sir." + +And there stood the captain of the waist, with his hat in his hand, +opposite to the captain of the ship. There was some difference between +those two captains:--one verging upon old age, the other upon manhood. +The old man with but two articles of dress upon his person, a canvass +shirt and a canvass pair of trousers,--for in those latitudes shoes and +stockings are dispensed with by the foremast men, excepting on Sundays +and when mustering at divisions; the other gay, and almost gorgeous, +in white jeans, broad-cloth, and gold. There they stood, the one the +personification of meekness, the other of haughty anger. However firm +might have been the captain's intentions to convict the man before him +by an intricate cross-examination, his warmth of temper defeated them at +once, for the old seaman looked more than usually innocent and sheepish. +This almost stolid equanimity was sadly provoking. + +"You insolent scoundrel!--who milked my cow last night?"--"The Lord in +heaven knows, your honour. Who could it be, sir, without it was the +ghost who has laid that poor lad in his sick hammock?" + +"And I suppose that the ghost ordered you to hand the milk to the young +gentlemen when he had done?"--"Me, sir! Heaven save me! I never se'ed a +ghost in my life." + +"Hypocrite! the bottle you sold the midshipmen!"--"One, your honour, I +brought from Antigua, and which I overlooked yesterday." + +"I shall not overlook it when I get you to the gangway. Go, Mr. +Littlejohn, give orders to beat to quarters the moment the men have had +their time." + +All that forenoon the captain kept officers and men exercising +the great guns, running them in and out, pointing them here and +there;--sail-trimmers aloft--boarders on the starboard bow--firemen down +in the fore-hold: the men had not a moment's respite, nor the officers +either. How potently in their hearts they d--d the cow, even from the +tips of her horns unto the tuft at the end of her tail! Five secret +resolves were made to poison her that hard-worked morning. Mr. Small +Jack, who was stationed at the foremost main-deck guns near her, gave +her a kick every time the order came from the quarter-deck to ram home +wad and shot. + +Well, this sweltering work, under a tropical sun, proceeded till noon, +the captain alternately swearing at the officers for want of energy, +and exclaiming to himself indignantly, "D--them! how dare they milk my +cow! There must be several concerned. Send the carpenter aft. Mr. Wedge, +rig both the chain-pumps,--turn the water on in the well. Waisters! man +the pumps. Where's that Grummet? Boatswain's mates, out with your colts +and lay them over the shoulders of any man that shirks his duty; keep a +sharp eye on the captain of the waist." + +And thus the poor fellows had, for a finish to their morning's labour, +a half-hour of the most overpowering exertion to which you can set +mortal man,--that of working at the chain-pumps. When Mr. Littlejohn +saw elderly Joseph Grummet stripped to the waist, the perspiration +streaming down him in bucket-fulls, and panting as it were for his very +life, he, the said Small Jack, very rightly opined that no milk would be +forthcoming next morning. + +At noon the men were as usual piped to dinner, with an excellent +appetite for their pork and pease, and a thirsty relish for their grog; +for which blessings they had the cow alone to thank. They were very +ungrateful. + +No sooner was the hour of dinner over than the captain all of a sudden +discovered that his ship's company were not smart enough in reefing +topsails. So at it they went, racing up and down the rigging, tricing +up and laying out, lowering away and hoisting, until six bells, three +o'clock, when the angry and hungry captain went to his dinner. He had +made himself more unpopular in that day than any other commander in the +fleet. + +The dinner was unsocial enough. When a man is not satisfied with +himself, it is rarely that he is satisfied with any body else. Now +the whole ship's company, officers as well as men, were divided into +parties, and into only two, respecting this affair of the cow; one +believed in a supernatural, the other in a roguish agency; in numbers +they were about equal, so that the captain stood in the pleasant +predicament of being looked upon in a sinful light by one half of his +crew, and in a ludicrous one by the other. + +However, as the night advanced, and the marine who had seen the +cow-spirit grew worse, the believers in the supernatural increased +rapidly; and as one sentinel was found unwilling to go alone, the cow +had the distinguished compliment of a guard of honour of two all night. +The captain, with a scornful defiance of the spiritual, would allow of +no lights to be shown, or of no extraordinary precautions to be taken. +He only signified his intentions of having himself an interview with the +ghost, and for that purpose he walked the deck till midnight; but the +messenger from the land of spirits did not choose to show himself so +early. + +Let me hear no more any querulous talk of the labour of getting butter +to one's bread--no person could have toiled more than the Honourable +Captain Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban to get milk for his breakfast. + +The two sentries were relieved at twelve o'clock, and, for a quarter of +an hour after, everything remaining dark and quiet about the haunted +cow, the captain went below and turned in, joyfully anticipative of milk +and cream in the morning. He left, of course, the most positive orders +that the moment the ghost appeared he should be called. + +Mr. Mitchell, the pious first lieutenant, remained on deck, determined +to see the sequel; told the master he was much troubled in spirit, and +he thought, with all due deference to the articles of war, and respect +for the captain, that he was little better than an infidel, and an +overbold tempter of God's providence. The master remarked in reply that +it was an affair entirely out of soundings; but very sagely concluded +that they should see what they should see, even if they saw nothing. + +It was a beautiful night, darkly, yet, at the same time, brightly +beautiful. There was no moon. The pure fires above were like +scintillations from the crown of God's glory. Though the heavens were +thus starred with splendours, it was deeply, though clearly, dark on +the ocean. There was a gentle breeze that was only sufficient to make +the sails draw, and the noble frigate walked stately, yet majestically +onwards. + +Forward on the main-deck the darkness was Cimmerian. When lights had +been last there at the relieving of the sentinels, the cow had laid +herself quietly down upon her litter, and seemed to be in a profound +sleep; the first hour after midnight was passed, and all was hushed +as death, save those noises that indicate what else would be absolute +silence more strongly. There was the whispering ripple of the sea, +the dull creaking of the tiller-ropes, and the stealthy step of the +sentinels: these sounds, and these only, were painfully distinct. One +bell struck, and its solemn echoes seemed to creep through the decks as +if on some errand of death, and the monotonous cry of the look-outs fell +drearily on the ear. + +The first lieutenant and the officers of the watch had just begun to +shake off their dreamy and fearful impressions, to breathe more freely, +and to walk the deck with a firmer tread, when, from what was supposed +to be the haunted spot, a low shriek was heard, then a bustle, followed +by half-stifled cries of "The guard! the guard!" + +The officers of the watch jumped down on to the main-deck, the +midshipmen rushed into the cabin to call the captain, and men with and +without lights rushed forward to the rescue. + +Deep in the darkness of the manger there glared an apparition that might +more than justify the alarm. The spot where the phantom was seen, (we +pledge ourselves that we are relating facts,) was that part of a frigate +which seamen call "the eyes of her," directly under the foremost part +of the forecastle, where the cables run through the hawse-holes, and +through which the bowsprit trends upwards. The whole place is called the +manger. It is very often appropriated to the use of pigs until they take +their turn for the butcher's knife. This was the strange locality that +the ghost chose to honour with its dreadful presence. + +From the united evidences of the many who saw this ghastly avatar, +it appeared only to have thrust its huge head and a few feet of the +forepart of its body through the hawse-hole, the remainder of its vast +and voluminous tail hanging out of the ship over its bows. The frightful +head and the sockets of its eyes were distinctly marked in lineaments +of fire. Its jaws were stupendous, and its triple row of sharp and +long-fanged teeth seemed to be gnashing for something mortal to devour. +It cast a pale blue halo of light around it, just sufficient to show +the outlines of the den it had selected in which to make its unwelcome +appearance. Noise it made none, though several of the spectators fancied +that they heard a gibbering of unearthly sounds; and Mr. Littlejohn +swore the next day upon his John Hamilton Moore, that it mooed dolefully +like a young bullock crossed in love. + +To describe the confusion on the main-deck, whilst officers, seamen, and +marines were gazing on this spectre, so like the fiery spirit of the +Yankee sea-serpent, is a task from which I shrink, knowing that language +cannot do it adequately. The first lieutenant stood in the middle of the +group, not merely transfixed, but paralysed with fear; men were tumbling +over each other, shouting, praying, swearing. Up from the dark holds, +like shrouded ghosts, the watch below, in their shirts, sprang from +their hammocks; and for many, one look was enough, and the head would +vanish immediately in the dark profound. The shouting for lights, and +loaded muskets and pistols was terrible; and the orders to advance were +so eagerly reiterated, that none had leisure to obey them. + +But the cow herself did not present the least imposing feature in this +picture of horror. She formed, as it were, the barrier between mortality +and spirituality--all beyond her was horrible and spectral; by her +fright she seemed to acknowledge the presence of a preternatural being. +Her legs were stiff and extended, her tail standing out like that of an +angered lion, and she kept a continued strain upon the halter with which +she was tethered to a ring-bolt in the ship's side. + +By this time several of the ward-room officers, and most of the +midshipmen, had reached the scene of action. Pistols were no longer +wanting, and loaded ones too. Three shots were fired into the manger, +with what aim it is impossible to specify, at the spectre. They did not +seem to annoy his ghostship in the least; without an indication of his +beginning to grow hungry, might be deemed so. As the shot whistled past +him, he worked his huge and fiery jaws most ravenously. + +"Well," said the second lieutenant, "let us give the gentleman another +shot, and then come to close quarters. Mr. Mitchell, you have a pistol +in your hand: fire!" + +"In the name of the Holy Trinity!" said the superstitious first, +"there!" Bang! and the shot took effect deep in the loins of the +unfortunate cow. + +At this precise moment, Captain the Honourable Augustus Fitzroy +Fitzalban rushed from his cabin forward, attired in a rich flowered silk +morning-gown, in which scarlet predominated. He held a pistol cocked +in each hand; and, as he broke through the crowd, he bellowed forth +lustily, "Where's the ghost! let me see the ghost!" He was soon in the +van of the astonished gazers; but, disappointed Fitzalban! he saw no +ghost, because, as the man says in the Critic, "'twas not in sight." + +Immediately the honourable captain had gained his station, the much +wronged and persecuted cow, galled by her wound, with a mortal effort +snapped the rope with which she was fastened, and then lowering her +horned head nearly level with the deck, and flourishing her tail +after the manner that an Irishman flourishes his shillelagh before he +commences occipital operations, she rushed upon the crowded phalanx +before her. At this instant, as if its supernatural mission had been +completed, the spirit vanished. + +The ideal having decamped, those concerned had to save themselves from +the well followed up assaults of the real. The captain flew before the +pursuing horns, d--ning the cow in all the varieties of condemnation. +But she was generous, and she attached herself to him with an unwonted, +or rather an unwanted, fidelity. Lanterns were crushed and men +overthrown, and laughter now arose amidst the shouts of dismay. The +seamen tried to impede the progress of the furious animal by throwing +down before her lashed-up hammocks, and by seizing her behind by the +tail: but, woe is me! the Honourable the Captain Augustus Fitzroy +Fitzalban could not run so fast in his variegated and scarlet flowered +silk dressing-gown as a cow in the agonies of death; for he had just +reached that asylum of safety, his cabin-door, when the cow took him +up very carefully with her horns, and first giving him a monitory +shake, then with an inclination to port, she tossed him right over the +ward-room skylight, and deposited him very gingerly in the turtle-tub +that stood lashed on the larboard side of the half-deck. This exertion +was her last; for immediately alter falling upon her knees, and then +gently rolling over, to use an Homeric expression, her soul issued from +her wound, and sought the shades below appropriated to the souls of cows. + +In the mean time, the captain was sprawling about, and contending with +his turtle for room, and he stood a very good chance of being drowned +even in a tub; but assistance speedily arriving, he was drawn out, +and thus the world was spared a second tale of a tub. But there was +something in the spirit of the aristocratic Fitzalban that neither +cows, ghosts, nor turtle-haunted water could subdue. Wet as he was, and +suffering also from the contusions of the cow's horns, he immediately +ordered more light, and proceeded to search for the ghost,--prolific +parent of all his mishaps. + +Well escorted he visited the manager, but the most scrutinising search +could discover nothing extraordinary. The place seemed to have been +undisturbed, nor once to have departed from its usual solitariness +and dirt. There was not even so much as a smell of sulphur on the spot +where the spectre had appeared, nor were there any signs of wet, which, +supposing the thing seen had been a real animal, would have been the +case, had it come from the sea through one of the hawse-holes. The +whole affair was involved in the most profound mystery. The honourable +captain, therefore, came to the conclusion that nothing whatever had +appeared, and that the whole was the creation of cowardice. + +Hot with rage and agueish with cold, he retired to his cabin, vowing +all manner of impossible vengeance, muttering about courts-martial, and +solemnly protesting that Mr. Mitchell, the first lieutenant, should pay +him for the cow that he had so wantonly shot. + +Blank were the countenances of many the next morning. The first +lieutenant was not, as usual, asked to breakfast. There was distrust and +division in his Majesty's ship Nænia, and the Honourable the Captain +Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban had several severe contusions on his noble +person, a bad cold, and no milk for breakfast; an accumulation of evils +that one of the aristocracy ought not to be obliged to bear. Though Mr. +Mitchell did not breakfast with the captain, Jack Small, alias Small +Jack, alias Mr. Littlejohn, did. The only attempt of the captain that +morning at conversation was as follows. With a voice that croaked like +a raven's at the point of death, evidence _externe_ of an abominable +sore-throat, the captain merely said to the reefer, pointing his +fore-finger downwards as he did the day before, "_Milk?_" + +Mr. Littlejohn shook his head dolefully, and replied, "No, sir." + +"My cow died last night," said the afflicted commander with a pathos +that would have wrung the heart of a stone statue--if it could have +heard it. + +"If you please, sir," said the steward, "Mr. Mitchell sends his +compliments, and would be very glad to know what you would have done +with the dead cow."--"My compliments to Mr. Mitchell and _he_ may do +whatever he likes with it. He shot it, and must pay me for it: let him +eat it if he will." + +The first lieutenant and the captain were, after this, not on speaking +terms for three months. Several duels had very nearly been fought +about the ghost; those who had not seen it, branding those who had +with an imputation only a little short of cowardice; those who had +seen it, becoming for a few weeks very religious, and firmly resolving +henceforward to get drunk only in pious company. The carcase of the cow +was properly dressed and cut up, but few were found who would eat of it; +the majority of the seamen thinking that the animal had been bewitched: +the captain of course would take none of it unless Mr. Mitchell would +permit him to pay him for it at so much per pound, as he pertinaciously +pretended to consider it to be the property of the first lieutenant. +Consequently, the animal was neatly shared between the midshipmen's +berth and the mess of which Joseph Grummet, the captain of the waist, +was an unworthy member. + +The day following the death of the cow, Joseph Grummet was found +loitering about the door of the young gentlemen's berth. + +"Any milk to-morrow, Joseph?" said the caterer.--"No, sir," with a most +sensible shake of the head. + +"Oh!--the cow has given up the ghost!"--"_And somebody else too!_" This +simple expression seemed to have much relieved Joe's overcharged bosom: +he turned his quid in his month with evident satisfaction, grinned, and +was shortly after lost in the darkness forward. + + * * * * * + +There never yet was a ghost story that did not prove a very simple +affair when the key to it was found. The captain of the Nænia never +would believe that anything uncommon was ever seen at all. He was, +however, as much in the wrong as those who believed that they had seen +a ghost. The occurrence could not be forgotten, though it ceased to be +talked of. + +Two years after the ship came to England, and was paid off. Joseph +Grummet bagged his notes and his sovereigns with much satisfaction; +but he did not jump like a fool into the first boat, and rush ashore +to scatter his hard-earned wages among Jews, and people still worse: +he stayed till the last man, and anxiously watched for the moment when +the pennant should be hauled down. When he saw this fairly done, he +asked leave to speak to the captain. He was ushered into the cabin, and +he there saw many of the officers who were taking leave of their old +commander. + +"Well, Grummet," said the skipper, "what now?" + +"Please your honour, you offered five guineas to anybody who would tell +you who milked the cow." + +"And so I will gladly," said the captain, pleasantly, "if the same +person will unravel the mystery of the ghost." And he turned a +triumphant look upon the believers in spirits who stood around him. + +"I milked your cow, sir." + +"Ah! Joseph, Joseph! it was unkindly done. But with your hands?"--"We +widened a pair of Mr. Littlejohn's kid-gloves, sir." + +"I knew that little rascal was at the bottom of it! but there is honour +in the midshipmen's berth still. What is the reason that they thus +sought to deprive me of my property?"--"You wouldn't allow them to take +any live stock on board that cruise, sir." + +"So--so--wild justice, hey? But come to the ghost."--"Why, sir, I wanted +to have the cow unwatched for a quarter of an hour every middle watch; +so I took the shark's head we had caught a day or two before, scraped +off most of the flesh, and whipped it in a bread-bag,--it shone brighter +in the dark than stinking mackerel;--so I whips him out when I wants +him, and wabbles his jaws about. I was safely stowed under the bowsprit +from your shot; and when your honour walked in on one side of the +manger, I walked, with my head under my arm, out of the other." + +"Well, Joseph, there are your five guineas: and, gentlemen," said +the Honourable the Captain Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban, bowing to his +officers, "I wish you joy of your ghost!" + + + + + OLD AGE AND YOUTH. + BY THOMAS HAYNES BAYLY. + + Old Age sits bent on his iron-grey steed; + Youth rides erect on his courser black; + And little he thinks in his reckless speed + Old Age comes on, in the _very same track_. + + And on Youth goes, with his cheek like the rose, + And his radiant eyes, and his raven hair; + And his laugh betrays how little he knows, + Of AGE, and his sure companion CARE. + + The courser black is put to his speed, + And Age plods on, in a quieter way, + And little Youth thinks that the iron-grey steed + Approaches him nearer, every day! + + Though one seems strong as the forest tree, + The other infirm, and wanting breath; + _If ever_ YOUTH baffles OLD AGE, 'twill be + By rushing into the arms of DEATH! + + On his courser black, away Youth goes, + The prosing sage may rest at home; + He'll laugh and quaff, for well he knows + That years must pass ere Age _can come_. + + And since too brief are the daylight hours + For those who would laugh their lives away; + With beaming lamps, and mimic flowers, + He'll teach the night to mock the day! + + Again he'll laugh, again he'll feast, + His lagging foe he'll still deride, + Until--when he expects him least-- + Old Age and he stand side by side! + + He then looks into his toilet-glass, + And sees Old Age reflected there! + He cries, "Alas! how quickly pass + Bright eyes, and bloom, and raven hair!" + + The lord of the courser black, must ride + On the iron-grey steed, sedate and slow! + And thus to him who his power defied, + Old Age must come like a conquering foe. + + Had the prosing sage not preach'd in vain, + Had Youth not written his words on sand, + Had he early paused, and given the rein + Of his courser black to a steadier hand: + + Oh! just as gay might his days have been, + Though mirth with graver thoughts might blend; + And when at his side Old Age was seen, + He had been hail'd as a timely friend. + + + + + AN EVENING OF VISITS. + BY J. FENIMORE COOPER, AUTHOR OF "THE PILOT." + +I have had an odd pleasure in driving from one house to another on +particular evenings, in order to produce as strong contrasts as my +limited visiting list will afford. Having a fair opportunity a few +nights since, in consequence of two or three invitations coming in for +the evening on which several houses where I occasionally called were +opened, I determined to make a night of it, in order to note the effect. +As A---- did not know several of the people, I went alone, and you may +possibly be amused with an account of my adventures: they shall be told. + +In the first place I had to dress, in order to go to dinner at a house +that I had never entered, and with a family of which I had never seen a +soul. These are incidents which frequently come over a stranger, and, +at first, were not a little awkward, but use hardens us to much greater +misfortunes. At six, then, I stepped punctually into my _coupé_, and +gave Charles the necessary number and street. I ought to tell you that +the invitation had come a few days before, and, in a fit of curiosity, +I had accepted it, and sent a card, without having the least idea who +my host and hostess were, beyond their names. There was something +piquant in this ignorance, and I had almost made up my mind to go in +the same mysterious manner, leaving all to events, when happening in +an idle moment to ask a lady of my acquaintance, and for whom I have a +great respect, if she knew a Madame de ----, to my surprise her answer +was, "Most certainly--she is my cousin, and you are to dine there +to-morrow." I said no more, though this satisfied me that my hosts were +people of some standing. While driving to their hotel, it struck me, +under all the circumstances, it might be well to know more of them; and +I stopped at the gate of a female friend who knows everybody, and who +I was certain would receive me even at that unseasonable hour. I was +admitted, explained my errand, and inquired if she knew a M. de ----. +"Quelle question!" she exclaimed; "M. de ---- est Chancelier de la +France!" Absurd, and even awkward, as it might have proved but for this +lucky thought, I should have dined with the French Lord High Chancellor +without having the smallest suspicion who he was! + +The hotel was a fine one, though the apartment was merely good; and +the reception, service, and general style of the house were so simple, +that neither would have awakened the least suspicion of the importance +of my hosts. The party was small, and the dinner modest. I found the +_Chancelier_ a grave dignified man, a little curious on the subject of +America; and his wife, apparently a woman of great good sense, and, I +should think, of a good deal of attainment. Every thing went off in the +quietest manner possible, and I was sorry when it was time to go. + +From this dinner I drove to the hotel of the Marquis de Marbois, to +pay a visit of digestion. M. de Marbois retires so early on account of +his great age, that one is obliged to be punctual, or he will find the +gate locked at nine. The company had got back into the drawing-room; +and as the last week's guests were mostly there, as well as those who +had just left the table, there might have been thirty people present, +all of whom were men, but two. One of the ladies was Madame de Souza, +known in French literature as the writer of several clever novels +of society. In the drawing-room were grouped in clusters the Grand +Referendary, M. Cuvier, M. Daru, M. Villemain, M. de Plaisance, Mr. +Brown, and many others of note. There seemed to be something in the +wind, as the conversation was in low confidential whispers, attended +by divers ominous shrugs. This could only be politics; and, watching +an opportunity, I questioned an acquaintance. The fact was really so. +The appointed hour had come, and the ministry of M. de Villèle was in +the agony. The elections had not been favourable, and it was expedient +to make an attempt to reach the _old_ end by what is called a _new_ +combination. It is necessary to understand the general influence of +political intrigues on certain _côteries_ of Paris, to appreciate the +effect of this intelligence on a drawing-room filled like this, with men +who had been actors in the principal events of France for forty years. +The name of M. Cuvier was even mentioned as one of the new ministers. +Comte Roy was also named as likely to be the new premier. I was told +that this gentleman was one of the greatest landed proprietors of +France, his estates being valued at four millions of dollars. The fact +is curious, as showing, not on vulgar rumour, but from a respectable +source, what is deemed a first-rate landed property in this country. It +is certainly no merit, nor do I believe it is any very great advantage; +but I think we might materially beat this, even in America. The company +soon separated, and retired. + +From the Place de la Madeleine I drove to a house near the Carrousel, +where I had been invited to step in, in the course of the evening. All +the buildings that remain within the intended parallelogram, which will +some day make this spot one of the finest squares in the world, have +been bought by the government, or nearly so, with the intent to have +them pulled down at a proper time; and the court bestows lodgings, +_ad interim_, among them, on its favourites. Madame de ---- was one of +these favoured persons, and she occupies a small apartment in the third +story of one of these houses. The rooms were neat and well arranged, +but small. Probably the largest does not exceed fifteen feet square. +The approach to a Paris lodging is usually either very good or very +bad. In the new buildings may be found some of the mediocrity of the +new order of things; but in all those which were erected previously to +the Revolution, there is nothing but extremes in this as in most other +things,--great luxury and elegance, or great meanness and discomfort. +The house of Madame de ---- happens to be of the latter class; and +although all the disagreeables have disappeared from her own rooms, one +is compelled to climb up to them through a dark well of a staircase, by +flights of steps not much better than those we use in our stables. You +have no notion of such staircases as those I had just descended in the +hotels of the Chancelier and the Premier President;[18] nor have we any +just idea, as connected with respectable dwellings of these I had now +to clamber up. M. de ---- is a man of talents and great respectability, +and his wife is exceedingly clever, but they are not rich. He is a +professor, and she is an artist. After having passed so much of my youth +on top-gallant-yards, and in becketting royals, you are not to suppose, +however, I had any great difficulty in getting up these stairs, narrow, +steep, and winding as they were. + +We are now at the door, and I have rung. On whom do you imagine the +curtain will rise? On a _réunion_ of philosophers some to discuss +questions in botany with M. de ----, or on artists assembled to talk over +the troubles of their profession with his wife? The door opens, and I +enter. + +The little drawing-room was crowded; chiefly with men. Two card-tables +were set, and at one I recognised a party, in which were three dukes +of the _vieille cour_, with M. de Duras at their head! The rest of the +company was a little more mixed; but, on the whole, it savoured strongly +of Coblentz and the _émigration_. This was more truly French than +anything I had yet stumbled on. One or two of the grandees looked at me +as if, better informed than Scott, they knew that General La Fayette +had not gone to America to live. Some of these gentlemen certainly do +not love us; but I had cut out too much work for the night to stay and +return the big looks of even dukes, and, watching an opportunity when +the eyes of Madame de ---- were another way, I stole out of the room. + +Charles now took his orders, and we drove down into the heart of the +town, somewhere near the general post-office, or into those mazes of +streets that near two years of practice have not yet taught me to +thread. We entered the court of a large hotel that was brilliantly +lighted; and I ascended, by a noble flight of steps, to the first floor. +Ante-chambers communicated with a magnificent saloon, which appeared to +be near forty feet square. The ceilings were lofty, and the walls were +ornamented with military trophies, beautifully designed, and which had +the air of being embossed and gilded. I had got into the hotel of one of +Napoleon's marshals, you will say, or at least into one of a marshal +of the old _régime_. The latter conjecture may be true, but the house +is now inhabited by a great woollen manufacturer, whom the events of +the day have thrown into the presence of all these military emblems. I +found the worthy _industriel_ surrounded by a group, composed of men of +his own stamp, eagerly discussing the recent changes in the government. +The women, of whom there might have been a dozen, were ranged, like +a neglected parterre, along the opposite side of the room. I paid my +compliments, stayed a few minutes, and stole away to the next engagement. + +We had now to go to a little retired house on the Champs Elysées. There +were only three or four carriages before the door, and on ascending to +a small, but very neat apartment, I found some twenty people collected. +The mistress of the house was an English lady, single, of a certain age, +and a daughter of the Earl of ----, who was once governor of New York. +Here was a very different set: one or two ladies of the old court, women +of elegant manners, and seemingly of good information; several English +women, pretty, quiet, and clever; besides a dozen men of different +nations. This was one of those little _réunions_ that are so common in +Paris among the foreigners, in which a small infusion of French serves +to leaven a considerable batch of human beings from other parts of the +world. As it is always a relief to me to speak my own language, after +being a good while among foreigners, I stayed an hour at this house. +In the course of the evening an Irishman of great wit and of exquisite +humour, one of the paragons of the age in his way, came in. In the +course of conversation, this gentleman, who is the proprietor of an +Irish estate, and a Catholic, told me of an atrocity in the laws of his +country of which until then I was ignorant. It seems that any younger +brother, or next heir, might claim the estate by turning Protestant, or +drive the incumbent to the same act. I was rejoiced to hear that there +was hardly an instance of such profligacy known.[19] To what baseness +will not the struggle for political ascendancy urge us! + +In the course of the evening, Mr. ----, the Irish gentleman, gravely +introduced me to a Sir James ----, adding, with perfect gravity, "a +gentleman whose father humbugged the Pope--humbugged infallibility." +One could not but be amused with such an introduction, urged in a way +so infinitely droll, and I ventured, at a proper moment, to ask an +explanation, which, unless I was also humbugged, was as follows. + +Among the _détenus_ in 1804 was Sir William ----, the father of Sir +James ----, the person in question. Taking advantage of the presence of +the Pope at Paris, he is said to have called on the good-hearted Pius, +with great concern of manner, to state his case. He had left his sons in +England, and through his absence they had fallen under the care of two +Presbyterian aunts; as a father he was naturally anxious to rescue them +from this perilous situation. "Now, Pius," continued my merry informant, +"quite naturally supposed that all this solicitude was in behalf of two +orthodox Catholic souls, and he got permission from Napoleon for the +return of so good a father to his own country,--never dreaming that the +conversion of the boys, if it ever took place, would only be from the +Protestant Episcopal Church of England to that of Calvin; or a rescue +from one of the devil's furnaces to pop them into another." I laughed +at this story, I suppose with a little incredulity; but my Irish friend +insisted on its truth, ending the conversation with a significant nod, +Catholic as he was, and saying--"humbugged infallibility!" + +By this time it was eleven o'clock; and as I am obliged to keep +reasonable hours, it was time to go to _the_ party of the evening. +Count ----, of the ---- Legation, gave a great ball. My carriage entered +the line at the distance of near a quarter of a mile from the hotel; +gensdarmes being actively employed in keeping us all in our places. It +was half an hour before I was set down, and the quadrilles were in full +motion when I entered. It was a brilliant affair,--much the most so, I +have ever yet witnessed in a private house. Some said there were fifteen +hundred people present. The number seems incredible; and yet, when one +comes to calculate, it may be so. As I got into my carriage to go away, +Charles informed me that the people at the gates affirm that more than +six hundred carriages had entered the court that evening. By allowing +an average of little more than two to each vehicle, we get the number +mentioned. + +I do not know exactly how many rooms were opened on this occasion, but +I should think there were fully a dozen. Two or three were very large +_salons_; and the one in the centre, which was almost at fever heat, +had crimson hangings, by way of cooling one. I have never witnessed +dancing at all comparable to that of the quadrilles of this evening. +Usually there is either too much or too little of the dancing-master, +but on this occasion every one seemed inspired with a love of the art. +It was a beautiful sight to see a hundred charming young women, of the +first families of Europe,--for they were there, of all nations, dressed +with the simple elegance that is so becoming to the young of the sex, +and which is never departed from here until after marriage,--moving in +perfect time to delightful music, as if animated by a common soul. The +men, too, did better than usual, being less lugubrious and mournful than +our sex is apt to be in dancing. I do not know how it is in private, but +in the world, at Paris, every young woman seems to have a good mother; +or, at least, one capable of giving her both a good tone and good taste. + +At this party I met the ----, an intimate friend of the ambassador, +and one who also honours me with a portion of her friendship. In +talking over the appearance of things, she told me that some hundreds +of _applications for invitations_ to this ball had been made. +"Applications! I cannot conceive of such meanness. In what manner?" +"Directly; by note, by personal intercession--almost by tears. Be +certain of it, many hundreds have been refused." In America we hear +of refusals to go to balls, but we have not yet reached the pass of +sending refusals to invite! "Do you see Mademoiselle ----, dancing in +the set before you?" She pointed to a beautiful French girl whom I had +often seen at her house, but whose family was in a much lower station in +society than herself. "Certainly; pray how came _she_ here?" "I brought +her. Her mother was dying to come, too, and she begged me to get an +invitation for her and her daughter; but it would not do to bring the +mother to such a place, and I was obliged to say no more tickets could +be issued. I wished, however, to bring the daughter, she is so pretty; +and we compromised the affair in that way." "And to this the mother +assented!" "Assented! How can you doubt it? What funny American notions +you have brought with you to France!" + +I got some droll anecdotes from my companion, concerning the ingredients +of the company on this occasion, for she could be as sarcastic as she +was elegant. A young woman near us, attracted attention by a loud +and vulgar manner of laughing. "Do you know that lady?" demanded my +neighbour. "I have seen her before, but scarcely know her name." "She +is the daughter of your acquaintance, the Marquise de ----." "Then she +is, or was, a Mademoiselle de ----." "She is not, nor properly ever was, +a Mademoiselle de ----. In the Revolution the Marquis was imprisoned by +you wicked republicans, and the Marquise fled to England, whence she +returned, after an absence of three years, bringing with her this young +lady, then an infant a few months old." "And Monsieur le Marquis?" "He +never saw his daughter, having been beheaded in Paris, about a year +before her birth." "_Quel contre-temps!_" "_N'est-ce pas?_" + +It is a melancholy admission, but it is no less true, that good breeding +is sometimes quite as active a virtue as good principles. How many more +of the company present were born about a year after their fathers were +beheaded, I have no means of knowing, but had it been the case with all +of them, the company would have been of as elegant demeanour, and of +much more _retenue_ of deportment, than we are accustomed to see, I will +not say in _good_, but certainly in _general_ society, at home. One of +the consequences of good breeding is also a disinclination, positively +a distaste, to pry into the private affairs of others. The little +specimen to the contrary, just named, was rather an exception, owing to +the character of the individual, and to the indiscretion of the young +lady in laughing too loud; and then the affair of a birth so _very_ +posthumous was rather too _patent_ to escape all criticism. + +My friend was in a gossiping mood this evening, and, as she was well +turned of fifty, I ventured to continue the conversation. As some of the +_liaisons_ which exist here must be novel to you, I shall mention one or +two more. + +A Madame de J---- passed us, leaning on the arm of M. de C----. I knew +the former, who was a widow; had frequently visited her, and had been +surprised at the intimacy which existed between her, and M. de C----, +who always appeared quite at home in her house. I ventured to ask my +neighbour if the gentleman were the brother of the lady. "Her brother! +It is to be hoped not, as he is her husband." "Why does she not bear +his name, if that be the case?" "Because her first husband is of a more +illustrious family than her second; and then there are some difficulties +on the score of fortune. No, no. These people are _bonâ fide_ married. +_Tenez_--do you see that gentleman who is standing so assiduously near +the chair of Madame de S----? He who is all attention and smiles to the +lady?" "Certainly: his politeness is even affectionate." "Well, it ought +to be, for it is M. de S----, her husband." "They are a happy couple, +then." "_Hors de doute_: he meets her at _soirées_ and balls; is the +pink of politeness; puts on her shawl; sees her safe into her carriage, +and----" "Then they drive home together, as loving as Darby and Joan." +"And then he jumps into his _cabriolet_, and drives to the lodgings +of ----. _Bon soir, monsieur_----; you are making me fall into the vulgar +crime of scandal." + +Now, much as all this may sound like invention, it is quite true that +I repeat no more to you than was said to me, and no more than what I +believe to be the fact. As respects the latter couple, I have been +elsewhere told that they literally never see each other except in +public, where they constantly meet as the best friends in the world. + +I was lately in some English society, when Lady G---- bet a pair of +gloves with Lord R---- that he had not seen Lady R---- for a fortnight. +The bet was won by the gentleman, who proved satisfactorily that he had +met his wife at a dinner party only ten days before. + +After all I have told you, and all that you may have heard from others, +I am nevertheless inclined to believe that the high society of Paris is +quite as exemplary as that of any other large European town. If we are +any better ourselves, is it not more owing to the absence of temptation, +than to any other cause? Put large garrisons into our towns, fill the +streets with idlers who have nothing to do but to render themselves +agreeable, and with women with whom dress and pleasure are the principal +occupations, and then let us see what Protestantism and liberty will +avail us in this particular. The intelligent French say that their +society is improving in morals. I can believe this assertion, of which I +think there is sufficient proof by comparing the present with the past, +as the latter has been described to us. By the past, I do not mean the +period of the Revolution, when vulgarity assisted to render vice still +more odious--a happy union, perhaps, for those who were to follow,--but +the days of the old _régime_. Chance has thrown me in the way of three +or four old dowagers of that period, women of high rank, and still in +the first circles, who, amid all their _finesse_ of breeding, and ease +of manner, have had a most desperate _rouée_ air about them. Their very +laugh, at times, has seemed replete with a bold levity that was as +disgusting as it was unfeminine. I have never, in any other part of the +world, seen loose sentiments _affichés_, with more effrontery. These +women are the complete antipodes of the quiet, elegant Princesse de ----, +who was at Lady ---- ----'s this evening; though some of them write +_Princesses_ on their cards, too. + +The influence of a court must be great on the morals of those who +live in its purlieus. Conversing with the Duc de ----, a man who has +had general currency in the best society of Europe, on this subject, +he said,--"England has long decried our manners. Previously to the +Revolution, I admit they were bad; perhaps worse than her own; but I +know nothing in our history so bad as what I have witnessed in England. +The King invited me to dine at Windsor. I found every one in the +drawing-room, but his Majesty and Lady ----. She entered but a minute +before him, like a queen. Her reception was that of a queen; young, +unmarried females kissed her hand. Now, all this might happen in France, +even now; but Louis XV, the most dissolute of our monarchs, went no +farther. At Windsor, I saw the husband, sons, and daughters of the +favourite, in the circle! _Le parc des Cerfs_ was not as bad as this." + +"And yet, M. de ----, since we are conversing frankly, listen to what +I witnessed, but the other day, in France. You know the situation of +things at St. Ouen, and the rumours that are so rife. We had the _fête +Dieu_ during my residence there. You, who are a Catholic, need not be +told that your sect believe in the doctrine of the 'real presence.' +There was a _reposoir_ erected in the garden of the _château_, and God, +in person, was carried, with religious pomp, to rest in the bowers of +the ex-favourite. It is true, the husband was not present: he was only +in the provinces!" + +"The influence of a throne makes sad parasites and hypocrites," +said M. de ----, shrugging his shoulders. + +"And the influence of the people, too, though in a different way. A +courtier is merely a well-dressed demagogue." + +"It follows, then, that man is just a poor devil." + +But I am gossiping away with you, when my Asmodean career is ended; +and it is time I went to bed. Good night! + +[18] M. de Marbois was the first president of the Court of Accounts. + +[19] I believe this infamous law, however, has been repealed. + + + + + METASTASIO. + + I. + _La Signora._ + Chi sei tu? Chi sei tu? + Dimmi piccolo fanciullo, + Sempr' andante sù et giù + Sospirando fra 'l trastullo. + + _Cupid._ + Son Cupidon' in verità + Rè de' burle leggiadre. + + _La Sig._ + Dunque dì per carità, + Come stia, tua madre? + Senz' arco così, perchè? + Dove sono le saiette? + La faretra poi dov' è? + Sembianze son sospette-- + Chi sei tu? + + II. + _La Sig._ + Chi sei tu? chi sei tu? + Arme c'eran altre volte. + + _Cupid._ + Giovan' ELLA non è più + Mi furon' allora tolte. + + _La Sig._ + E la torcia, perchè, dì, + Hai voluto tu lasciare? + + _Cupid._ + Cuori signor' oggidì + Più non vogliono bruciare. + + _La Sig._ + Tu rispondermi così + Fanciulletto! che vergogna! + O! sei cambiato, sì, + Ate dunque dir' bisogna + "CHI SEI TU?" + + + FONTENELLE. + + I. + _La Dame._ + Qui es tu? Qui es tu? + Bel enfant aux gais sourires, + Toi qui cours tout devtu, + Et ris parfois, parfois soupires? + + _Cupidon._ + Dame, je suis Cupidon + Dieu d'amour, fils à CITHERE. + + _La Dame._ + Bel enfant, eh, dis moi donc + Comment va, VENUS, ta mere? + Cette fois, sans carquois + Je te vois avec surprise, + Cupidon, est il donc + Etonnant que l'on te dise + Qui es tu? + + II. + _La Dame._ + Qui es tu? Qui es tu? + Qu'a tu donc fait de tes armes, + De tes traits de fer pointu ...? + + _Cupidon._ + De _vos_ traits ... où sont les charmes? + + Vous votre beau, moi mon flambeau + Ensemble nous lâchâmes: + + Or, plus d'espoir helas! de voir + Pour nous les coeurs en flammes! + + _La Dame._ + Petit enfant, c'est peu galant + D'user pareil langage; + Pas étonnant que maintenant + Chacun dise au village + "QUI EST TU?" + + + SAM. LOVER. + + * * This song has been set to music + * by Mr. Lover, and is published. + + "Who are you?--Who are you? + Little boy that's running after + Ev'ry one up and down, + Mingling sighing with your laughter?" + + "I am Cupid, lady belle, + I am Cupid, and no other." + + "Little boy, then pr'ythee tell + How is Venus? How's your mother? + Little boy, little boy, + I desire you tell me true: + Cupid, oh! you're alter'd so, + No wonder I cry _Who are you?_" + + II. + "Who are you?--Who are you? + Little boy, where is your bow? + You had a bow, my little boy." + + "So had you, ma'am, long ago." + + "Little boy, where is your torch?" + "Madam, I have given it up: + + Torches are no use at all; + Hearts will never now _flare up_." + + "Naughty boy, naughty boy, + Such words as these I never knew: + Cupid, oh! you're alter'd so, + No wonder I say + "WHO ARE YOU?" + + + _WHO ARE YOU?_ + +"There are very impudent people in London," Said young Ben. "As I passed +down Arlington-street a fellow stared at me and shouted 'Who are you?' +Five minutes after, another passing me cried 'Flare up!' but a civil +gentleman close to his heels kindly asked 'How is your mother?' +_Vivian Grey._ + + [Illustration] + +"Il y a certaines façons de parler dans toutes les langues de l'Europe, +que l'on retrouve partout dans la bouche du vulgaire. A cette classe +apparsions "_Qui es tu?_" "_Comment va ta mere?_" En Italie comme +en France on n'entend que ça."--L'Abbé Bossu _sur les idiotismes du +langage_. + + + + + METROPOLITAN MEN OF SCIENCE. + + No. I. + +The author of the exploits of _Brown Bess_ and of _The Admirable +Crichton_ has announced his intention of _editing_ "_The Lions of +London_," a task of no ordinary description; and _Boz_ has already +chronicled the slang, humour, peculiarities, and vices of the omnibus +cads and cab-drivers. Pierce Egan, after uttering a vulgar forgery +of _Life in London_, has in a repentant fit announced himself as +"_A Pilgrim of the Thames_;" and, in short, the wonders of this +wondrous metropolis are drawn, depicted, coloured, printed, narrated, +represented, in every possible shape and way to the town and country +public. All this we know: but we know more; we know that there are +_the_ places, _the_ scenes, and _the_ characters to be visited, and +contemplated, and admired in town, which will be omitted to be noticed +by any of our pleasant historians; but which are, of all others, worthy +of sincere regard and periodical immortality! In the East, according to +the letters of Lady Mary Wortley Montagu, the corner of the Kiosk was +the distinguished place of honour; and may we not conduct our readers to +corners and by-places, and "show their eyes and grieve their hearts?" +We have for some time felt a great anxiety to exhibit to our readers +a few remarkable features of society, or rather to introduce them to +Those who are connected with those features. All know, and yet all do +not intimately and in particular know, many of our great scientific +humanists, as connected with particular departments of our precious +faces or heads; but we long, we thirst, to be the chroniclers of + + Mr. A. and the eye, + Mr, B. and the ear, + Mr. C. and the nose, + Mr. D. and the teeth, + &c. &c. &c. + +Some of our readers will think we are about to publish the works of +_Head_ in the usual popular monthly series; but we see no reason why old +Burton should have it all to himself, and why a pleasant anatomy (which +must be an anatomy of pleasure) should not compete with the Anatomy of +Melancholy! + +We shall at once begin our agreeable task, and as it is _biting_ +weather, we will immediately come to Mr. D. and the teeth, than whom +a more amiable, honourable, or generous man, or a more decisive and +perfect artist, does not exist. Persons may think that his abode is a +mere place where drops of laudanum are dropped into wretched receptacles +of pain; or where bits of yellow double ivory are lugged out, as though +the teeth were dancing the hays in Hayes Court. No such thing! The house +is a palace! The man is a magician over the unruly spirit of teeth! The +arrangements are pleasant, touching, and delightful; and the operations +are rare and fascinating surprises, which no person with a discoloured +concave, or suspicious fang, ought to neglect! What a mansion! What an +artist! What a deathless D.! + +I do not know when I have experienced more of ease and pleasure than I +did in the capacious and comfortable ante-room; for I had, to speak the +truth, accompanied a friend who had the tooth-ache, and I saw around +me, various respectable objects of pang and pity, who were about to +have that salutary relief given to them, which the new poor-law has +directed to other poor devils, and which is derived from their _being +taken into the house_! One by one was beckoned out by the porter to the +relieving officer, and nothing could be more interesting or effective +than the departure of patient after patient, "with a muffled drum" for a +head, and who, as soon as the door closed, was "heard no more of!" What +luxury marks this apartment! The handles of the doors are a complete +set of ivories; and, indeed, the whole interior is one scene of mingled +splendour and comfort. Let our readers, as Brutus says, "_chew_ upon +this!" A large table stands in the room, covered with every work that +the imagination can devise, for the amusement and satisfaction of the +attentive reader. The students, however, in this room, are not so steady +and intent over their books as are the visitors to the library of the +British Museum; but they snatch a little agreeable reading by fits and +starts, and take up a very tolerable number of volumes and pamphlets, +and put them down in a remarkably short compass of time. The person to +whom the selection of this entertaining library has been entrusted, +has executed his task with discretion, fidelity, and spirit; and we +were pleased to notice, as we jotted down in our memorandum-book the +names of the most attractive of the works, how much he had endeavoured +to collect together, pages that should tend to soothe, beguile, and +cheer the casual visitor of the place. First we had "_Paine's Age of +Reason_"--a book calculated for those in whom pain and reason are so +invariably connected. Then we had "Sass's Drawings of the Human Figure;" +"The Sufferings of the Early Martyrs;" "History of the Inquisition, +with Prints of the Screws and Instruments of Torture;" "Lardner on the +Lever;" "Coulson on Distortions, &c." "Tracts on Tumours;" "Montgomery's +Omnipresence;" "Five Minutes' Advice on the Care of the Teeth;" "The +Lancet;" and "_Elegant Extracts_." There is no refreshment ready in +_this_ room, except that which is derived by the person who comes to +have his or her teeth "looked at," contemplating a near chair-neighbour +who is about to part with one of those useful inmates, which, like +all other domestics, get troublesome as they get older, and finally +lose their places from becoming in themselves perfectly unbearable! +The passages and galleries are magnificent--rows of pillars of the +_Tuscan_ order are in even sets, and in perfect order and keeping! On +the staircase, which is of marble, stands a superb clock, which _throbs_ +the time very awfully; and the suite of rooms on the first floor is, as +the visitors cannot but admit, of the most costly order. Refreshments +are here constantly spread before the lingerer, tempting those (who +have not had a wink of sleep for weeks) to eat and enjoy themselves. +In this house one thing is remarkable, and I think it tends to confuse +the mind,--"the drawing-room" is on the ground-floor! Here the soothing +sorcerer over anguish and horror--receives his visitors; and here, +indeed, he sees company in due state. I merely took a glimpse at this +room, which was by no means so provocative of curiosity to me as was the +blue chamber to that of Fatima's. + +A few _mems_ must close this weak and impotent description:--a few +recollections snatched amidst the fascination of the whole place! We +observed that the mode in which our artist expelled a troublesome +_double enemy_ put an end to the usual interpretation of Zanga's famous +exclamation, + + "The flesh _will_ follow where the pincers tear!" + +The _pincers_ might be used, but the flesh did _not_ follow,--the +eye-tooth came out as clean as a smelt. Mr. D. had several pictures +in _enamel_, which were much to be valued; and he had in his hall +a portrait by the late Sir Thomas Lawrence of Mr. Cartwright--and +likenesses by _H. B._ in one of his closets, of Howard, Imrie, Sanford, +Clarke, Jones, Parkinson, Hayes, Biggs, Rogers, &c. &c. which are +allowed to be, by all observers, admirable works of art. There is a +slight attempt at _Mallan_ in _mineral succedaneum_, which appears to be +falling away--we will not say decaying. + +One nuisance there is, and we cannot as honest historians pass it +over; the street, in which our D. lives, is disturbed, distracted, by +an excess of music, amounting, arising indeed, into a decided case +of "_organic_ disease." The _grinders_ making a point--it would seem +a pointed point--of showing themselves in the very front of that +building,--which is opposed to anything defective in the front! + +As we were about to depart from this attractive spot--not +_spot_--place,--we saw Charles Taylor or Tom Cooke slipping away with +every tooth perfect, and yet not without a _falsetto_. Some musical wag +however still remained, and by permission of the butler (a _drawer_ of +corks in large practice) we were allowed to hear the following song; and +we shall print it at once without comment, explanation, or excuse, + + "For, oh! Sir Thomas's own sonnet + Beats all that we can say upon it." + + + + + SONG, + For the Private Theatre or the _Drawing_-room. + _Air--Not_ "Pull away, pull away, pull away, my hearties!"--DIBDIN. + + Oh! this is the house for effects and for scenes,-- + What is Drury, Ducrow's, Covent Garden, the Queen's? + Success at the one or the other will pause, + But in this house the manager constantly _draws_.-- + Then let the Muse _be_ at her + Home, in this theatre; + Gain here, and glory, go snacks in applause. + + The crowds that come here, made of Beauty and Ninny, + Take--each takes a seat in the stall for a guinea; + Our great managerial actor then bows, + And, oh! with what pleasure he views _the front rows_! + Then let, &c. + + At the Opera they boast of the band and the _chori_, + Of Lindley,--of Balfe,--Dragonetti, and Mori; + But here finished art, perfect touch, take their station, + For who beats our hero in _instrumentation_? + Then let, &c. + + There's _Richard the Third_ is a favourite part, + And he mouths it, like some of our players, by heart; + But remember that Gloster, when first he drew breath, + Was shaped like a _screw_--with a _full set of teeth_. + Then let, &c. + + Macbeth may effectively fall to his lot, + For where's such an artist for "_Out_, damned _spot_!" + And we see, where those old annotators were blind,-- + For the issue of Duncan, why he _filed_ his mind. + Then let, &c. + + He does not play Lear (Forrest does--so does Booth), + For he thinks the "How sharper!" is wrong on the _tooth_! + His company's good, else why full stall and bench? + But, though he likes _Power_, he won't hear of _Wrench_! + Then let, &c. + + Through pieces--light farce--Fame our favorite then next tracks,-- + Single acts, single scenes, pungent touches, smart extracts! + With Colman's Review, too, he's coupled by some, + For he, like John Lump, gets a "guinea _by Gum_!" + Then let, &c. + + Then, with riches at will, oh! how liberal the lord + Of this mansion is found at the banquet and board! + Still, though wealth comes from east and from west, north and south, + Yet some _will_ say he lives but from mere _hand to mouth_! + Then let, &c. + + But cautious he should be,--though bright be the day,-- + For he knows, best of any, the works of decay; + And he ne'er should forget, in this splendid--this top age, + That when he _won't_ draw, he inclines then to _stoppage_. + Then let, &c. + + But long may he flourish--long, long here preside, + To give "harmless pleasure" to thousands beside! + Age is baffled by him,--we're still rich,--let it fret! + Oh! if hundreds are lost, we can have a _new set_! + Then let, &c. R. + + + + + KYAN'S PATENT--THE NINE MUSES,--AND THE DRY-ROT. + + "That which is most elaborate in nature is that which soonest + runs to decay." FARADAY. + +The Muses, to their infinite disgrace as useful members of society, +have for centuries been devoting their time to the sun, the moon, the +stars, flowers, lips, hair, love, "kisses, tears, and smiles;" in short, +to objects of mere enjoyment and beauty; greatly to the delight, it +must be confessed, of the young and the romantic, but tending to no +wise and useful purpose, and contributing to no profitable end. The +long luxurious indolence of these nine inestimable young ladies for so +many, many years, does appear to us to cast no slight shade upon their +characters; and Parnassus itself does not "hold its own" as a place of +any considerable repute, when the habits of its female frequenters are +taken into account. It is, indeed, high time that the Muses should get +into places of all work,--that they should earn their bread through +habits of honest industry and integrity, and not be idling about the +rose-trees, and wasting their powers on a sigh, an eyebrow, or a +trumpery star. The time for useful exertion is come; and the days of +dalliance, dreaming, and ethereal delight are passing away. Flora gives +way to Cocker, and Apollo is whipped off the top of his own Grecian +mount by the schoolmaster _abroad_. If the Muses do not now patronise +statistical reports, poor-law estimates, and fat-cattle meetings, they +will as surely "sink in their repute," ay, as surely as the name of +their firm is "Clio, Tighe, Thalia, Hemans, Euterpe, Landon, Polyhymnia, +Jenkinson, and Co." Imagination is all very well in its way; but does it +know how "things are in the City?" Is it in the direction--it certainly +ought to be--of the Great Northern Railway, or the Public Safety British +Patent Axletree Conveyance Company? Can imagination "set a leg or an +arm?" if not, why imagination may imagine itself carrying out its own +shutters in these enlightened times, and shutting up its own shop at +mid-day. + +We are happy to see, and to be able to say, that the Muses, like the +ladies in "the Invincibles," are marching with the times. They are +setting imagination to work on various well-sounding schemes for public +companies and joint-stockeries. Apollo is preparing a prospectus for +a New British Co-operative Joint Stock Music Society, into which, of +course, nothing foreign will be allowed to creep, unless it is altered +and dressed anew, and "wears a livery like its fellows." Melpomene is +to take the Queen's Theatre for a serious bazaar, and Thalia is to turn +Astley's into an agreeable chapel for the Jumpers. Urania goes to the +Astronomical Society as housekeeper, and Terpsichore is to be the lessee +of the dancing-rooms in Brewer-street, Golden-square, for gymnastic +purposes. Indeed, there will not be an idle body in the lovely firm; +and, in future, it is more than probable that vessels will be propelled +by means of airy verse, and balloons inflated by fancy, or elevated and +guided by the application of high-flown figures. There is no knowing or +foretelling to _what_ extent of usefulness poetry may be carried! + +It has fallen to our lot to be able to record one of the scientific +turns which poetry has taken. The Muses having of late years observed +that the palm-tree, the laurel, and all their sacred trees, had, +like the trees in all gardens open to the public, suffered much +from ill-usage,--premature symptoms of dry-rot having presented +themselves,--the Nine were all at sixes and sevens about the matter, +until they were recommended by a humane neighbour (as one of Morrison's +pill victims says in a grateful advertisement) to "try Kyan." "Try +Kyan!" exclaimed Calliope. "What, in the name of music, can Kyan be?" +On turning to the columns of the Morning Chronicle, however, Erato +(who could read) discovered the advertisement explanatory of the great +patent antidote to dry-rot in timber; and a deputation of three of +the daughters of Mnemosyne waited on Messrs. Faraday, Pine, Kyan, +Memel, Mills, Oakley, Terry, and Woodison, gentlemen interested in the +progress of this invaluable discovery,--and finally at the office in +Lime-street-square the Muses bargained for a steeping of their undying, +dying, decaying timber in the wondrous tank at Red Lion wharf, Poplar. +The process, notwithstanding the mischief done to the wood by the +poets of this scratching age, was most triumphantly successful; all +symptoms of decay, except where certain initials were carved, at once +disappeared, and the immortal plants began to put on "all their original +brightness!" Apollo gave an awful shriek of delight as he saw the wanton +cuttings and witherings disappear, and the grand leaves of beauty +starting into life afresh, at the inspiring touch of the immortal Kyan. +The Muses, with a few select friends, dined together afterwards, at the +Macclesfield Arms in the New-road, and a song upon Kyan's patent was +_impromptued_ on the occasion, and was very favourably received, when +the mortal waiters were out of the room. We are enabled to lay a copy +of it before our readers; and we are sure they will, with us, receive +with pleasure this proof of the interest which the Muses are taking in +matters of science and useful art. It is reported that the Nine are +about to become members of the Society for the Diffusion of Useful +Knowledge. + + + THE ANTI-DRY-ROT COMPANY'S SONG. + + _Air_--"Well, well, now--no more;--sure you've told me before." + _Love in a Village._ + + 1. + Have you heard,--have you heard,-- + Anti-dry-rot's the word? + Wood will never wear out, thanks to Kyan, to Kyan! + He dips in a tank, + Any rafter or plank,-- + And makes it immortal as Dian, as Dian! + If you steep but a thread, + It will hang by the head, + For ever, the largest old lion, old lion; + Or will cord up the trunk + Of an elephant drunk;-- + If you doubt it,--yourself go and try 'un, and try 'un. + + 2. + In the days that are gone, + As to timber and stone, + Decay was by no means a shy 'un, a shy 'un. + He bolted our floors, + And our vessels by scores, + And the thirsty old rot was a dry 'un, a dry 'un! + Oak crumbled beneath + The dry blast of its breath, + As soon as it e'er came a-nigh 'un, a-nigh 'un; + But gone is the day + Of that glutton Decay, + Since he can't eat his timber with _Kyan_, with _Kyan_! + + 3. + Say--now--what shall we steep + In the tank? just to keep.-- + Shakespeare sniffed our great secret, the sly 'un, the sly 'un! + Hamlet, Macbeth, and Lear, + Have been _Kyan'd_, my dear, + By Nature's immortal Paul Pry 'un, Paul Pry 'un. + Shall the plays of the day + Take a plunge from decay? + (There is no need for Tell, or for Ion, for Ion;) + I fear he could not + Soak away the dry-rot + From _some_ things:--But _all_ rests on Kyan, on Kyan. + + 4. + Put the lid on the tank,-- + Not a crack for a plank,-- + While I point out one thing, as I fly on, I fly on, + Which really must not + Have a dip 'gainst dry-rot,-- + Stuff with cotton the ears of my Kyan, my Kyan. + In a whisper I speak, + (But 'twill rain for a week,-- + Or as long as St. Swithin will cry on, will cry on,--) + The moment I make + Your conviction awake + That _Vauxhall_ wants no plunge 'gainst the dry 'un, the dry 'un. + + 5. + Do not dip many books + In our anti-rot nooks; + Keep out novels, and all Sense cries Fie on! cries Fie on! + Though, since Wood turns sublime + In its strife against time, + Most heads that we know, will try Kyan, try Kyan. + Only think what great good + 'Twould do Alder_men_ Wood, + (Elected for life) if they'd try 'un, they'd try 'un;-- + Every word that I say + Is as true as the day, + And each hint you may safely rely on, rely on! + + 6. + Then, hurrah! come uncork! + This dry-rot is dry work; + Bring the bottle,--that one I've my eye on, my eye on; + My spirit I'd steep + In its rich _anti_-deep, + And linger for morn, like Orion, Orion! + 'Gad the secret is out, + We've talk'd so much about; + My dog's on the scent,--oh! then hie on, then hie on! + 'Tis the _bottle_, I feel, + Makes immortal mere deal, + And wine's the _solution of Kyan_, of Kyan! R. + + + + + THE ORIGINAL OF "NOT A DRUM WAS HEARD." + + SCRAP, No. III. _Water-grass-hill._ + +When _single-speech_ Hamilton made in the Irish Commons that _one_ +memorable hit, and persevered ever after in obdurate taciturnity, +folks began very justly to suspect that all was not right; in fact, +that the solitary egg on which he thus sat, plumed in all the glory of +incubation, had been laid by another. The Rev. Mr. Wolfe is _supposed_ +to be the author of a single poem, unparalleled in the English language +for all the qualities of a true lyric, breathing the purest spirit +of the antique, and setting criticism completely at defiance. I say +_supposed_, for the gentlemen himself never claimed its authorship +during his short and unobtrusive lifetime. He who could write the +"Funeral of Sir John Moore," must have eclipsed all the lyric poets of +this latter age by the fervour and brilliancy of his powers. Do the +other writings of Mr. Wolfe bear any trace of inspiration? None. + +I fear we must look elsewhere for the origin of those beautiful lines; +and I think I can put the public on the right scent. In 1749, Colonel de +Beaumanoir, a native of Britanny, having rained a regiment in his own +neighbourhood, went out with it to India, in that unfortunate expedition +commanded by Lally-Tolendal, the failure of which eventual lost to +the French their possessions in Hindostan. The colonel was killed in +defending, against the forces of Coote, PONDICHERRY, the last stronghold +of the French in that hemisphere. He was buried that night on the north +bastion of the fortress by a few faithful followers, and the next day +the fleet sailed with the remainder of the garrison for Europe. In the +appendix to the "Memoirs of LALLY-TOLENDAL," by his Son, the following +lines occur, which bear some resemblance to those attributed to Wolfe. +Perhaps Wolf Tone may have communicated them to his relative the +clergyman on his return from France. _Fides sit penès lectorem._ + + P. PROUT. + + + THE ORIGINAL OF "NOT A DRUM WAS HEARD." + + I. + Ni le son du tambour ... ni la marche funebre ... + Ni le feu des soldats ... ne marqua son depart.-- + Mais du BRAVE, à la hâte, à travers les tenebres, + Mornes ... nous portâmes le cadavre au rempart! + + II. + De Minuit c'était l'heure, et solitaire et sombre-- + La lune à peine offrait un debile rayon; + La lanterne luisait peniblement dans l'ombre, + Quand de la bayonette on creusa le gazon. + + III. + D'inutile cercueil ni de drap funeraire + Nous ne daignâmes point entourer le HEROS; + Il gisait dans les plis du manteau militaire + Comme un guerrier qui dort son heure de repos. + + IV. + La prière qu'on fit fut de courte durée: + Nul ne parla de deuil, bien que le coeur fut plein! + Mais on fixait du MORT la figure adorée ... + Mais avec amertume on songeait au demain. + + V. + Au demain! quand ici ou sa fosse s'apprête, + Ou son humide lit on dresse avec sanglots, + L'ennemi orgueilleux marchera sur sa tête, + Et nous, ses veterans, serons loin sur les flots! + + VI. + Ils terniront sa gloire ... un pourra le entendre + Nommer l'illustre MORT d'un ton amer ... ou fol;-- + Il les laissera dire.--Eh! qu'importe À SA CENDRE + Que la main d'un BRETON a confiée au sol? + + VII. + L'oeuvre durait encor, quand retentit la cloche + Au sommet du Befroi:--et le canon lointain + Tiré par intervalle, en annonçant l'approche, + Signalait la fierté de l'ennemi hautain. + + VIII. + Et dans sa fosse alors le mîmes lentement ... + Près du champ où sa gloire a été consommée: + Ne mimes à l'endroit pierre ni monument + Le laissant seul à seul avec sa Renommée! + + + + + A GOSSIP WITH SOME OLD ENGLISH POETS. + BY CHARLES OLLIER. + +All hail to the octo-syllabic measure! the most cheerful, buoyant, and +terse of all metres; at once familiar and refined, and fitted more than +any other to the narration of a gay and laughing tale. Lord Byron, who +indulged in it not a little, was pleased nevertheless to condemn it for +what he called its "fatal facility;" but we believe that is _facility_ +is more a matter for the enjoyment of the reader than for the execution +of the writer; since, in the latter respect, it seems to demand so much +of polish, point, and neatness, as to require, in its very absence of +all apparent effort, no little labour in him who would do its claims +full justice. Cowper, who was ambitious to excel in this pleasant +verse, declared that the "easy jingle" of Mat. Prior was inimitable; +but Prior, delightful as his octo-syllabic poetry undoubtedly is, has +many rivals,--not indeed among his contemporaries, but in poets who +preceded and followed him. Shakespeare, for example, in whose boundless +riches is found almost every variety of the Muse, has given us abundant +specimens of this verse in the prologues to each act of "Pericles, +Prince of Tyre," as spoken by the Ghost of old Gower, who, having, +in his _Confessio Amantis_, told the story afterwards dramatised by +Shakespeare, is evoked from his "ashes" to explain to the spectators the +progress of the incidents of the play. The following _notturno_ could +hardly have been as pleasantly conveyed in any other measure:-- + + "Now sleep yslaked hath the rout; + No din but snores, the house about, + Made louder by the o'er-fed breast + Of this most pompous marriage feast. + The cat, with eyne of burning coal, + Now couches 'fore the mouse's hole; + And crickets sing at th' oven's mouth, + As the blither for their drouth. + Hymen hath brought the bride to bed." + +Ben Johnson, too, has revelled in this metre: its sweet cheerfulness +appears, for the time, to have drawn from his mind its austere and +sarcastic qualities, and to have lulled the violence of his wit. Old +Ben is, in short, never seen in so happy and amiable a light as when he +writes in the octo-syllabic. Here in a specimen:-- + + "Some act of Love bound to rehearse, + I thought to bind him in my verse; + Which, when he felt, 'Away!' quoth he, + 'Can poets hope to fetter me? + It is enough they once did get + Mars and my mother in their net; + I wear not these my wings in vain. + With which he fled me; and again + Into my rhymes could ne'er be got + By any art. Then wonder not + That, since, my numbers are so cold, + When Love is fled, and I grow old." + +But what shall we say of Herrick, the English Anacreon, who fondled this +measure with such graceful dalliance? We cannot resist the temptation +of making an extract, and of _italicising_ a line or two, that we may +enjoy them with the reader:-- + + "A sweet disorder in the dresse + Kindles in cloathes a wantonnesse; + A lawne about the shoulders thrown + _Into a fine distraction_; + An erring lace, which here and there + Enthralls the crimson stomacher; + A cuffe neglectfull, and thereby + Ribbands to flow confusedly; + _A winning wave, deserving note, + In the tempestuous petticote_; + A carelesse shooe-string, in whose tye + _I see a wild civility_; + Doe more bewitch me, than when art + Is too precise in every part." + +Mark the ease, the play, the _curiosa felicitas_, of this exquisite +little poem. Could it have been as happy in any other measure? + +The stern and unflinching patriot, Andrew Marvell, evidently takes +delight in the piquant grace of the octo-syllabic. Here is a passage +from his poem addressed to the Lord Fairfax, descriptive of the grounds +about that nobleman's house, in Yorkshire, called Nun-Appleton. Speaking +of the meadows, Marvell says:-- + + "No scene, that turns with engines strange, + Does oftener than these meadows change; + For when the sun the grass hath vex'd, + The tawny mowers enter next; + _Who seem like Israelites to be, + Walking on foot through a green sea_. + To them the grassy deeps divide, + And crowd a lane to either side. + With whistling scythe, and elbow strong, + _These massacre the grass along_. + + * * * * * + + The mower now commands the field; + In whose new traverse seemeth wrought + A camp of battle newly fought; + Where, as the meads with hay, the plain + Lies quilted o'er with bodies slain: + The women that with forks it fling, + Do represent the pillaging. + And now the careless victors play, + Dancing the triumphs of the hay. + When, after this, 'tis piled in cocks, + _Like a calm sea it shews the rocks_." + +The poems of Thomas Randolph, a writer of the seventeenth century, are +not so well known as they deserve to be. A specimen, therefore, of his +treatment of our favourite verse, will be some such a novelty as is +afforded by the revival of an obsolete fashion. He is addressing his +mistress while walking through a grove:-- + + "See Zephyrus through the leaves doth stray, + And has free liberty to play, + And braid thy locks. And shall I find + Less favour than a saucy wind? + Now let me sit and fix my eyes + On thee that art my paradise. + Thou art my all: the spring remains + In the fair violets of thy veins; + And that it is a summer's day, + Ripe cherries in thy lips display; + And when for autumn I would seek, + 'Tis in the apples of thy cheek; + But that which only moves my smart, + Is to see winter in thy heart." + +Of Butler it is needless to speak; everybody knows Hudibras. He is, +indeed, a glorious champion of the octo-syllabic verse. The glories, +too, of Prior,--the witty, the humorous, the _riant_ Prior,--are too +well known to require illustration. We say "too well known," for +Matthew, alas! had a sovereign contempt for _les bienséances_, and only, +now-a-days, finds his "way into families" because time and a classic +reputation have, in a manner, sanctified his extravagancies. But what +must have been the irresistible charm of his octo-syllabic measure, to +have seduced the morbid methodist, Cowper, into a warm eulogy of the +very metre in which his licentious freaks were perpetuated? + +As in Prior's case, Gay chose this particular verse to sin in. We do +not allude to his "Fables," but to his "Tales," which are dexterous and +pleasant enough, but wrong. The reader must not expect specimens. From +the next writer, however, to whom we shall allude, namely, Green, author +of "The Spleen," we shall be happy to transfer to our pages an extract. +Green was a member of the Society of Friends; but, whatever might have +been the formality of the outward man, never did a more genial heart +beat in the bosom of a human creature than in that of Quaker Green. +He was a philosopher, a humanist, a wit, a poet; and we do not like +him the less because he took especial delight in the sly humour of the +eight-syllable rhyme. He found in this measure a pleasant compromise +between a staid cheerfulness and a roystering joke, and he dandled it to +his heart's content in the true spirit of Quaker love-making; that is +to say, with a certain significance of purpose qualified by sobriety of +pretence. The friendly triumph of the flesh over the spirit was never +more cordially manifested; but all is done "with conscience and tender +heart." The poem called "The Spleen" would have been a luxury from any +writer. From Green, in his drab coat, it has a double relish. The fire +that burned under the broad-brimmed hat of this wise and gentle lover +of humanity, was too strong for the stuff of which his physical man was +composed; it + + "O'er informed his tenement of clay;" + +and our poetical Quaker died before he had reached his middle age. +His principal poem is distinguished by the elastic play of the +versification, by manly good sense, and flashing wit. Poor Green! it was +especially necessary for him, with his delicate organization, to study +how he might best exorcise the spleen, or, as we should now call it, +hypochondria,--a task which we, in our Miscellany, have taken under our +especial care. The following extract from the exordium to the Quaker's +poem will afford a good taste of his quality. We have italicised some +lines that appeared to be peculiarly felicitous:-- + + "Hunting I reckon very good + To brace the nerves, and stir the blood; + But after no field-honours itch, + Atchiev'd by leaping hedge and ditch. + _While Spleen lies soft relax'd in bed, + Or o'er coal-fires inclines the head_, + Hygeia's sons with hound and horn, + And jovial cry, awake the Morn: + These see her from her dusky plight, + Smear'd by th' embraces of the Night, + With roral wash redeem her face, + And prove herself of Titan's race, + _And, mounting in loose robes the skies, + Shed light and fragrance as she flies_. + Then horse and hound fierce joy display, + Exulting at the 'Hark-away!' + And in pursuit o'er tainted ground + From lungs robust field-notes resound. + Then, as St. George the dragon slew, + _Spleen pierc'd, trod down, and dying view_, + While all the spirits are on wing, + And woods, and hills, and valleys ring. + To cure the mind's wrong bias, Spleen, + Some recommend the bowling-green; + Some, hilly walks; all, exercise; + _Fling but a stone, the giant dies_; + Laugh, and be well. Monkeys have been + Extreme good doctors for the Spleen; + And kitten, if the humour hit, + Has harlequin'd away the fit." + +We may take an opportunity of resuming this subject. + + + + + THE RISING PERIODICAL; + BEING MR. VERDANT'S ACCOUNT OF HIS LAST AERIAL VOYAGE, + + _edited_ BY THOMAS HAYNES BAYLY. + + Without apology, I'll trace + Our airy flight across the sea, + Because at once we raised _ourselves_ + And public curiosity. + + And well might those who saw us off, + Our many perils long discuss, + Because, ere we were out of sight, + 'Twas certainly "all up with us!" + + There might be danger, sure enough, + On high, from thirst and hunger blending; + But men are told they should _bear up_ + Against the danger that's impending. + + So we bore up into the clouds, + Of creature comforts ample store; + And really coffee ne'er was known + To rise so speedily before. + + Our tongues, though salted, never halted; + Our game fresh-kill'd was very high; + And, though all nicely truss'd and roasted, + We saw our fowls and turkeys fly! + + Our solid food rose like a puff, + Hard biscuit seem'd a trifle, too; + And our champagne was so much up, + That e'en our empty bottles flew! + + Our spirits rose; in fact we were, + When not a dozen miles from Dover, + Quite in a _state of elevation_, + Indisputably "_half seas over_." + + How like conspirators were we, + So snug we kept our hour of rising; + And when our movement once was made, + All London cried, "Oh! how surprising!" + + If, when we soar'd above the great, + They trembled, 'twas without occasion: + Our thoughts were turned to France; in truth + We meditated an invasion! + + But over earth and over sea + We went without one hostile notion; + Our war on earth, a civil war; + The Channel,--our Pacific Ocean. + + When passing over Chatham town + We were just finishing a chicken; + A soldier and a maiden fair + I saw whilst I the bones was picking. + + I threw a drumstick at the youth, + Who all around the culprit sought; + And whilst the maiden laughed aloud, + I struck her with a merry thought. + + In darkness we the Channel cross'd, + And left our fragile car to chance; + And, scorning customary rules, + Without a passport enter'd France! + + But on we went, and our descent + Bewilder'd many a German gaper; + Until, to prove from whence we came, + We show'd the last day's London paper! + + We're told no good that is substantial + Results from all we nobly dare; + What then?--We took a clever MASON + To build us castles in the air. + + We're not like certain _rising men_, + Puff'd up with vain presumptuous thoughts; + We nothing boast of what we've done, + And deem ourselves mere airy-noughts! + T. H. B + + + + + AN ITALIAN ANECDOTE. + +_Naples, July 1._--This was one of the hottest days of the season. I +had long contemplated Fort St. Elmo, high on the crest of the mountain +which overhung Naples, as one of the objects which I was bound to visit. +I knew and felt that, like Vesuvius, it was one of those sights which +exercise a tyranny over every traveller, not to be evaded, and which +he must see, or hazard his peace of mind for ever; but never yet had I +been able to overcome my natural indolence, and to proceed to explore +it. On this morning I rose with an alacrity and love of enterprise quite +unusual to me, and I at once determined to ascend to St. Elmo to see the +magnificent Certosini Convent, with the Chiesa di S. Martino, to enjoy +the extensive view which this summit presents, and to hear the ascending +buzz of the city and its numerous inhabitants. I immediately sent to +T----, to accompany me; and, after eating a hearty breakfast, we took +our departure. + +Who that has ever mounted the steep, rugged, and never-ending ascent, +will not pity the middle-aged gentleman of indolent habits, seeing +sights for conscience sake, of no mean size, (for such I am,) as he +struggled with the difficulties before him, looking up in dismay at the +castle, inflating and distending his lungs with an action to which they +had long been unaccustomed, until his face rivalled the sun in glowing +crimson? + +At length we reached our object. We saw the sights,--admired the beauty +of the church, and its beautiful pictures by Spagnoletto,--exclaimed +with rapture at the view, and heard the buzz. With my conscience +satisfied, and with my critical observations on all we had seen, ready +to be made upon the first favourable opportunity, I lost no time in +descending to whence we came. By this time it was past meridian. The +descent was very trying upon legs of forty-five years' standing; and the +tremulous motion which it produced upon the muscles, only increased the +longing I felt, to find myself once more extended full length on my sofa +at the Vittoria. + +I had taken off my coat, and, lazzaroni-like, had thrown it over my +shoulder; my neckcloth was thrust into my waistcoat pocket, and my neck +was bare. I carried my hat on my stick, using it by way of parasol; +and, thus accoutred, I determined to make one desperate effort to brave +the heat of the sun, that was baking the pavement of Santa Lucia, and +emitting a glare that acted like a burning-glass upon my eyeballs. As +we walked through this ordeal, we passed close to an assembly of young +lazzaronis, basking in the sun, near to a stall; there they lay, in the +midst of fish-bones, orange-peels, and decayed melons. We evidently +excited their mirth; and I, in particular, felt myself privileged to be +laughed at,--for what could be more grotesque than my appearance? One of +the boys was standing. We had scarcely turned our backs upon them, when +I received a blow on the head from a melon-rind;--I turned about, and +immediately the whole gang ran off laughing. I would have followed; but, +in truth, was too tired. I could scarcely move but at a slow walk. The +boys stopped, and looked at us. At length, making a virtue of necessity, +I called out to the boy who had thrown the melon-rind, to come to me--he +hesitated; I called again--he was evidently puzzled, and suspicious of +my intention; I then showed him a carline. "Come here," said I, "take +this." "In the name of goodness!" exclaimed T----, "what are you about?" +"Never mind," said I; "stop and see." The boy at length took courage, +and came to me. "Here," said I, "_bravo! bravissimo! avete fatto bene!_ +take this." Upon which, in surprise, the boy, taking the piece of money +out of my hand, ran off in the greatest exultation, showing it to his +little friends as a prize fallen down from heaven. + +"Now do tell me," said T----, "what demon of madness can have possessed +you? You ought to have broken every bone in that young rascal's skin, +instead of feeing him for insulting us." "So I would," said I, "if I +could; but to catch him is impossible. By feeing him for his insolence, +he will probably throw another piece of melon at the first Englishman +he sees, who will, no doubt, give him the beating which I cannot." +T---- laughed heartily at the ingenious turn which my indolence had +taken--administering a beating _à ricochet_, as he called it; and, +having reached my room, we laughed over our adventure, and speculated +upon the beating the youngster would get. + +And, true enough, the next day, as we were seated on one of the benches +of the Villa Reale, we heard a sort of hue and cry on the Chiaja, and +shortly after, saw our carroty and irascible friend W---- appear, +foaming with rage, streaming from every pore, owing to some recent +exertion, and exploding with bursts of execration. He came straight to +us.--"Who ever knew such an infernal country as this?" said he, "D--them +all for a beggarly set of villains. Did you ever see the like? I gave +it him well, however,--that's some comfort. The young rascal won't +forget me, for some time, I'll warrant you!" T---- and I smiled at each +other in anticipation of the reason, which only made him more furious. +"Here," said he, "was I walking quietly along, when a young rascal of +a lazzaroni thought fit to shy half a water-melon at my head;--you may +laugh; but it was no laughing matter to me, nor to him either, for I +have half killed the young urchin; and then, forsooth, I must have half +the town of Naples upon me, backed by all their carrion of old women." +We allowed his rage to expend itself, and said nothing, for fear of +being implicated in his wrath, inasmuch as I was the origin of his +disaster; but, truly, indolence was never so completely justified, as on +this occasion. + J. M. + + [Illustration: Oliver asking for more.] + + + + + OUR SONG OF THE MONTH. + + No. II. February, 1837. + + OUR VALENTINE. + + With a frozen old saint, our Miscellany quaint + We headed last month in a jolly, gay song; + It was fit that a priest should say grace to the feast + Before any layman should stick in a prong. + But now we've no need for the dark-flowing weed + Of a padre to hallow our frolics so fine; + 'Tis a bishop, this moon, is to set us in tune-- + And his name you know, maidens, is Saint Valentine. + + So, love to our ladies from Lapland to Cadiz, + From the Tropics to Poles, (be the same more or less)-- + But we know that in print they will ne'er take the hint + Half as soft and as sweet as in perfumed _MS._ + And we wish that we knew any fair one as true + As to think all we're writing superb and divine, + At her feet should we lay--not a word about pay-- + Our work as her tribute on Saint Valentine. + + Yet why but to one should our homage be done? + We pay it to all whose smiles lighten out art: + To Edgeworth, to Morgan, to Baillie's deep organ, + To Hall's Irish pathos, to Norton's soft heart, + To the Countess so rare, to Costello the fair, + To Miss L. E. L., to high-born Emmeline; + But a truce to more names--Take this, darling dames, + Sweet friends of the pen, as our first Valentine. + W. M. + + + + + OLIVER TWIST, + OR, THE PARISH BOY'S PROGRESS. + + BY BOZ. + + ILLUSTRATED BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. + + + CHAPTER THE FIRST + + TREATS OF THE PLACE WHERE OLIVER TWIST WAS BORN, AND OF THE + CIRCUMSTANCES ATTENDING HIS BIRTH. + +Among other public buildings in the town of Mudfog, it boasts of one +which is common to most towns great or small, to wit, a workhouse; +and in this workhouse there was born on a day and date which I need +not trouble myself to repeat, inasmuch as it can be of no possible +consequence to the reader, in this stage of the business at all events, +the item of mortality whose name is prefixed to the head of this +chapter. For a long time after he was ushered into this world of sorrow +and trouble, by the parish surgeon, it remained a matter of considerable +doubt whether the child would survive to bear any name at all; in which +case it is somewhat more than probable that these memoirs would never +have appeared, or, if they had, being comprised within a couple of +pages, they would have possessed the inestimable merit of being the +most concise and faithful specimen of biography extant in the literature +of any age or country. Although I am not disposed to maintain that the +being born in a workhouse is in itself the most fortunate and enviable +circumstance that can possibly befal a human being, I do mean to say +that in this particular instance it was the best thing for Oliver Twist +that could by possibility have occurred. The fact is, that there was +considerable difficulty in inducing Oliver to take upon himself the +office of respiration,--a troublesome practice, but one which custom +has rendered necessary to our easy existence,--and for some time he lay +gasping on a little flock mattress, rather unequally poised between +this world and the next, the balance being decidedly in favour of the +latter. Now, if during this brief period Oliver had been surrounded by +careful grandmothers, anxious aunts, experienced nurses, and doctors +of profound wisdom, he would most inevitably and indubitably have been +killed in no time. There being nobody by, however, but a pauper old +woman, who was rendered rather misty by an unwonted allowance of beer, +and a parish surgeon who did such matters by contract, Oliver and nature +fought out the point between them. The result was, that, after a few +struggles, Oliver breathed, sneezed, and proceeded to advertise to the +inmates of the workhouse the fact of a new burden having been imposed +upon the parish, by setting up as loud a cry as could reasonably have +been expected from a male infant who had not been possessed of that very +useful appendage, a voice, for a much longer space of time than three +minutes and a quarter. + +As Oliver gave this first testimony of the free and proper action of his +lungs, the patchwork coverlet, which was carelessly flung over the iron +bedstead, rustled; the pale face of a young female was raised feebly +from the pillow; and a faint voice imperfectly articulated the words +"Let me see the child, and die." + +The surgeon had been sitting with his face turned towards the fire, +giving the palms of his hands a warm, and a rub, alternately; but as the +young woman spoke, he rose, and, advancing to the bed's head, said with +more kindness than might have been expected of him-- + +"Oh, you must not talk about dying, yet." + +"Lor bless her dear heart, no!" interposed the nurse, hastily depositing +in her pocket a green glass bottle, the contents of which she had been +tasting in a corner with evident satisfaction. "Lor bless her dear +heart, when she has lived as long as I have, sir, and had thirteen +children of her own, and all on 'em dead except two, and them in the +wurkus with me, she'll know better than to take on in that way, bless +her dear heart! Think what it is to be a mother, there's a dear young +lamb, do." + +Apparently this consolatory perspective of a mother's prospects failed +in producing its due effect. The patient shook her head, and stretched +out her hand towards the child. + +The surgeon deposited it in her arms. She imprinted her cold white lips +passionately on its forehead, passed her hands over her face, gazed +wildly round, shuddered, fell back--and died. They chafed her breast, +hands, and temples; but the blood had frozen for ever. They talked of +hope and comfort. They had been strangers too long. + +"It's all over, Mrs. Thingummy," said the surgeon, at last. + +"Ah, poor dear; so it is!" said the nurse, picking up the cork of the +green bottle which had fallen out on the pillow as she stooped to take +up the child. "Poor dear!" + +"You needn't mind sending up to me, if the child cries, nurse," said +the surgeon, putting on his gloves with great deliberation. "It's very +likely it _will_ be troublesome. Give it a little gruel if it is." He +put on his hat, and, pausing by the bedside on his way to the door, +added, "She was a good-looking girl too; where did she come from?" + +"She was brought here last night," replied the old woman, "by the +overseer's order. She was found lying in the street;--she had walked +some distance, for her shoes were worn to pieces; but where she came +from, or where she was going to, nobody knows." + +The surgeon leant over the body, and raised the left hand. "The old +story," he said, shaking his head: "no wedding-ring, I see. Ah! good +night." + +The medical gentleman walked away to dinner; and the nurse, having once +more applied herself to the green bottle, sat down on a low chair before +the fire, and proceeded to dress the infant. + +And what an excellent example of the power of dress young Oliver Twist +was! Wrapped in the blanket which had hitherto formed his only covering, +he might have been the child of a nobleman or a beggar;--it would have +been hard for the haughtiest stranger to have fixed his station in +society. But now he was enveloped in the old calico robes, that had +grown yellow in the same service; he was badged and ticketed, and fell +into his place at once--a parish child--the orphan of a workhouse--the +humble, half-starved drudge--to be cuffed and buffeted through the +world, despised by all, and pitied by none. + +Oliver cried lustily. If he could have known that he was an orphan, left +to the tender mercies of churchwardens and overseers, perhaps he would +have cried the louder. + + +CHAPTER THE SECOND + +TREATS OF OLIVER TWIST'S GROWTH, EDUCATION, AND BOARD. + +For the next eight or ten months, Oliver was the victim of a systematic +course of treachery and deception--he was brought up by hand. The hungry +and destitute situation of the infant orphan was duly reported by the +workhouse authorities to the parish authorities. The parish authorities +inquired with dignity of the workhouse authorities, whether there +was no female then domiciled in "the house" who was in a situation to +impart to Oliver Twist the consolation and nourishment of which he stood +in need. The workhouse authorities replied with humility that there +was not. Upon this, the parish authorities magnanimously and humanely +resolved, that Oliver should be "farmed," or, in other words, that +he should be despatched to a branch-workhouse some three miles off, +where twenty or thirty other juvenile offenders against the poor-laws +rolled about the floor all day, without the inconvenience of too much +food, or too much clothing, under the parental superintendence of an +elderly female who received the culprits at and for the consideration +of sevenpence-halfpenny per small head per week. Sevenpence-halfpenny's +worth per week is a good round diet for a child; a great deal may be +got for sevenpence-halfpenny--quite enough to overload its stomach, and +make it uncomfortable. The elderly female was a woman of wisdom and +experience; she knew what was good for children, and she had a very +accurate perception of what was good for herself. So, she appropriated +the greater part of the weekly stipend to her own use, and consigned +the rising parochial generation to even a shorter allowance than was +originally provided for them; thereby finding in the lowest depth a +deeper still, and proving herself a very great experimental philosopher. + +Everybody knows the story of another experimental philosopher, who had +a great theory about a horse being able to live without eating, and who +demonstrated it so well, that he got his own horse down to a straw a +day, and would most unquestionably have rendered him a very spirited +and rampacious animal upon nothing at all, if he hadn't died, just +four-and-twenty hours before he was to have had his first comfortable +bait of air. Unfortunately for the experimental philosophy of the female +to whose protecting care Oliver Twist was delivered over, a similar +result usually attended the operation of _her_ system; for just at +the very moment when a child had contrived to exist upon the smallest +possible portion of the weakest possible food, it did perversely happen +in eight and a half cases out of ten, either that it sickened from +want and cold, or fell into the fire from neglect, or got smothered by +accident; in any one of which cases, the miserable little being was +usually summoned into another world, and there gathered to the fathers +which it had never known in this. + +Occasionally, when there was some more than usually interesting inquest +upon a parish child who had been overlooked in turning up a bedstead, +or inadvertently scalded to death when there happened to be a washing, +(though the latter accident was very scarce,--anything approaching to +a washing being of rare occurrence in the farm,) the jury would take +it into their heads to ask troublesome questions, or the parishioners +would rebelliously affix their signatures to a remonstrance: but these +impertinencies were speedily checked by the evidence of the surgeon, and +the testimony of the beadle; the former of whom had always opened the +body, and found nothing inside (which was very probable indeed), and the +latter of whom invariably swore whatever the parish wanted, which was +very self-devotional. Besides, the board made periodical pilgrimages to +the farm, and always sent the beadle the day before, to say they were +coming. The children were neat and clean to behold, when _they_ went; +and what more would the people have? + +It cannot be expected that this system of farming would produce any very +extraordinary or luxuriant crop. Oliver Twist's eighth birth-day found +him a pale, thin child, somewhat diminutive in stature, and decidedly +small in circumference. But nature or inheritance had implanted a good +sturdy spirit in Oliver's breast: it had had plenty of room to expand, +thanks to the spare diet of the establishment; and perhaps to this +circumstance may be attributed his having any eighth birth-day at all. +Be this as it may, however, it _was_ his eighth birth-day; and he was +keeping it in the coal-cellar with a select party of two other young +gentlemen, who, after participating with him in a sound threshing, had +been locked up therein, for atrociously presuming to be hungry, when +Mrs. Mann, the good lady of the house, was unexpectedly startled by the +apparition of Mr. Bumble the beadle, striving to undo the wicket of the +garden-gate. + +"Goodness gracious! is that you, Mr. Bumble, sir?" said Mrs. Mann, +thrusting her head out of the window in well-affected ecstasies of +joy. "(Susan, take Oliver and them two brats up stairs, and wash 'em +directly.)--My heart alive! Mr. Bumble, how glad I am to see you, +sure-ly!" + +Now Mr. Bumble was a fat man, and a choleric one; so, instead of +responding to this open-hearted salutation in a kindred spirit, he gave +the little wicket a tremendous shake, and then bestowed upon it a kick, +which could have emanated from no leg but a beadle's. + +"Lor, only think," said Mrs. Mann, running out,--for the three boys had +been removed by this time,--"only think of that! That I should have +forgotten that the gate was bolted on the inside, on account of them +dear children! Walk in, sir; walk in, pray, Mr. Bumble; do, sir." + +Although this invitation was accompanied with a curtsey that might have +softened the heart of a churchwarden, it by no means mollified the +beadle. + +"Do you think this respectful or proper conduct, Mrs. Mann," inquired +Mr. Bumble, grasping his cane,--"to keep the parish officers a-waiting +at your garden-gate, when they come here upon porochial business +connected with the porochial orphans? Are you aware, Mrs. Mann, that you +are, as I may say, a porochial delegate, and a stipendiary?" + +"I'm sure, Mr. Bumble, that I was only a-telling one or two of the dear +children as is so fond of you, that it was you a-coming," replied Mrs. +Mann with great humility. + +Mr. Bumble had a great idea of his oratorical powers and his importance. +He had displayed the one, and vindicated the other. He relaxed. + +"Well, well, Mrs. Mann," he replied in a calmer tone; "it may be as you +say; it may be. Lead the way in, Mrs. Mann; for I come on business, and +have got something to say." + +Mrs. Mann ushered the beadle into a small parlour with a brick floor, +placed a seat for him, and officiously deposited his cocked hat and +cane on the table before him. Mr. Bumble wiped from his forehead the +perspiration which his walk had engendered, glanced complacently at the +cocked hat, and smiled. Yes, he smiled: beadles are but men, and Mr. +Bumble smiled. + +"Now don't you be offended at what I'm a-going to say," observed Mrs. +Mann with captivating sweetness. "You've had a long walk, you know, or +I wouldn't mention it. Now will you take a little drop of something, +Mr. Bumble?" + +"Not a drop--not a drop," said Mr. Bumble, waving his right hand in a +dignified, but still placid manner. + +"I think you will," said Mrs. Mann, who had noticed the tone of the +refusal, and the gesture that had accompanied it. "Just a _leetle_ drop, +with a little cold water, and a lump of sugar." + +Mr. Bumble coughed. + +"Now, just a little drop," said Mrs. Mann persuasively. + +"What is it?" inquired the beadle. + +"Why it's what I'm obliged to keep a little of in the house, to put in +the blessed infants' Daffy when they ain't well, Mr. Bumble," replied +Mrs. Mann as she opened a corner cupboard, and took down a bottle and +glass. "It's gin." + +"Do you give the children Daffy, Mrs. Mann?" inquired Bumble, following +with his eyes the interesting process of mixing. + +"Ah, bless 'em, that I do, dear as it is," replied the nurse. "I +couldn't see 'em suffer before my very eyes, you know, sir." + +"No," said Mr. Bumble approvingly; "no, you could not. You are a humane +woman, Mrs. Mann."--(Here she set down the glass.)--"I shall take an +early opportunity of mentioning it to the board, Mrs. Mann."--(He drew +it towards him.)--"You feel as a mother, Mrs. Mann."--(He stirred +the gin and water.)--"I--I drink your health with cheerfulness, Mrs. +Mann;"--and he swallowed half of it. + +"And now about business," said the beadle, taking out a leathern +pocket-book. "The child that was half-baptised, Oliver Twist, is eight +years old to-day." + +"Bless him!" interposed Mrs. Mann, inflaming her left eye with the +corner of her apron. + +"And notwithstanding an offered reward of ten pound, which was +afterwards increased to twenty pound,--notwithstanding the most +superlative, and, I may say, supernat'ral exertions on the part of this +parish," said Bumble, "we have never been able to discover who is his +father, or what is his mother's settlement, name, or condition." + +Mrs. Mann raised her hands in astonishment; but added, after a moment's +reflection, "How comes he to have any name at all, then?" + +The beadle drew himself up with great pride, and said, "I inwented it." + +"You, Mr. Bumble!" + +"I, Mrs. Mann. We name our foundlin's in alphabetical order. The last +was a S,--Swubble: I named him. This was a T,--Twist: I named _him_. The +next one as comes will be Unwin, and the next Vilkins. I have got names +ready made to the end of the alphabet, and all the way through it again, +when we come to Z." + +"Why, you're quite a literary character, sir!" said Mrs. Mann. + +"Well, well," said the beadle, evidently gratified with the compliment; +"perhaps I may be; perhaps I may be, Mrs. Mann." He finished the gin and +water, and added, "Oliver being now too old to remain here, the Board +have determined to have him back into the house; and I have come out +myself to take him there,--so let me see him at once." + +"I'll fetch him directly," said Mrs. Mann, leaving the room for that +purpose. And Oliver having by this time had as much of the outer coat of +dirt which encrusted his face and hands removed as could be scrubbed off +in one washing, was led into the room by his benevolent protectress. + +"Make a bow to the gentleman, Oliver," said Mrs. Mann. + +Oliver made a bow, which was divided between the beadle on the chair and +the cocked hat on the table. + +"Will you go along with me, Oliver?" said Mr. Bumble in a majestic voice. + +Oliver was about to say that he would go along with anybody with great +readiness, when, glancing upwards, he caught sight of Mrs. Mann, who +had got behind the beadle's chair, and was shaking her fist at him with +a furious countenance. He took the hint at once, for the fist had been +too often impressed upon his body not to be deeply impressed upon his +recollection. + +"Will _she_ go with me?" inquired poor Oliver. + +"No, she can't," replied Mr. Bumble; "but she'll come and see you, +sometimes." + +This was no very great consolation to the child; but, young as he was, +he had sense enough to make a feint of feeling great regret at going +away. It was no very difficult matter for the boy to call the tears +into his eyes. Hunger and recent ill-usage are great assistants if you +want to cry; and Oliver cried very naturally indeed. Mrs. Mann gave +him a thousand embraces, and, what Oliver wanted a great deal more, a +piece of bread and butter, lest he should seem too hungry when he got +to the workhouse. With the slice of bread in his hand, and the little +brown-cloth parish cap upon his head, Oliver was then led away by Mr. +Bumble from the wretched home where one kind word or look had never +lighted the gloom of his infant years. And yet he burst into an agony of +childish grief as the cottage-gate closed after him. Wretched as were +the little companions in misery he was leaving behind, they were the +only friends he had ever known; and a sense of his loneliness in the +great wide world sank into the child's heart for the first time. + +Mr. Bumble walked on with long strides; and little Oliver, firmly +grasping his gold-laced cuff, trotted beside him, inquiring at the end +of every quarter of a mile whether they were "nearly there," to which +interrogations Mr. Bumble returned very brief and snappish replies; for +the temporary blandness which gin and water awakens in some bosoms had +by this time evaporated, and he was once again a beadle. + +Oliver had not been within the walls of the workhouse a quarter of an +hour, and had scarcely completed the demolition of a second slice of +bread, when Mr. Bumble, who had handed him over to the care of an old +woman, returned, and, telling him it was a board night, informed him +that the board had said he was to appear before it forthwith. + +Not having a very clearly defined notion of what a live board was, +Oliver was rather astounded by this intelligence, and was not quite +certain whether he ought to laugh or cry. He had no time to think about +the matter, however; for Mr. Bumble gave him a tap on the head with +his cane to wake him up, and another on the back to make him lively, +and, bidding him follow, conducted him into a large whitewashed room, +where eight or ten fat gentlemen were sitting round a table, at the top +of which, seated in an arm-chair rather higher than the rest, was a +particularly fat gentleman with a very round, red face. + +"Bow to the board," said Bumble. Oliver brushed away two or three tears +that were lingering in his eyes, and seeing no board but the table, +fortunately bowed to that. + +"What's your name, boy?" said the gentleman in the high chair. + +Oliver was frightened at the sight of so many gentlemen, which made him +tremble; and the beadle gave him another tap behind, which made him cry; +and these two causes made him answer in a very low and hesitating voice; +whereupon a gentleman in a white waistcoat said he was a fool, which was +a capital way of raising his spirits, and putting him quite at his ease. + +"Boy," said the gentleman in the high chair; "listen to me. You know +you're an orphan, I suppose?" + +"What's that, sir?" inquired poor Oliver. + +"The boy _is_ a fool--I thought he was," said the gentleman in the white +waistcoat, in a very decided tone. If one member of a class be blessed +with an intuitive perception of others of the same race, the gentleman +in the white waistcoat was unquestionably well qualified to pronounce an +opinion on the matter. + +"Hush!" said the gentleman who had spoken first. "You know you've got no +father or mother, and that you are brought up by the parish, don't you?" + +"Yes, sir," replied Oliver, weeping bitterly. + +"What are you crying for?" inquired the gentleman in the white +waistcoat; and to be sure it was very extraordinary. What _could_ he be +crying for? + +"I hope you say your prayers every night," said another gentleman in a +gruff voice, "and pray for the people who feed you, and take care of +you, like a Christian." + +"Yes, sir," stammered the boy. The gentleman who spoke last was +unconsciously right. It would have been _very_ like a Christian, and a +marvellously good Christian, too, if Oliver had prayed for the people +who fed and took care of _him_. But he hadn't, because nobody had taught +him. + +"Well, you have come here to be educated, and taught a useful trade," +said the red-faced gentleman in the high chair. + +"So you'll begin to pick oakum to-morrow morning at six o'clock," added +the surly one in the white waistcoat. + +For the combination of both these blessings in the one simple process of +picking oakum, Oliver bowed low by the direction of the beadle, and was +then hurried away to a large ward, where, on a rough hard bed, he sobbed +himself to sleep. What a noble illustration of the tender laws of this +favoured country! they let the paupers go to sleep! + +Poor Oliver! He little thought, as he lay sleeping in happy +unconsciousness of all around him, that the board had that very day +arrived at a decision which would exercise the most material influence +over all his future fortunes. But they had. And this was it:-- + +The members of this board were very sage, deep, philosophical men; and +when they came to turn their attention to the workhouse, they found out +at once, what ordinary folks would never have discovered;--the poor +people liked it! It was a regular place of public entertainment for the +poorer classes,--a tavern where there was nothing to pay,--a public +breakfast, dinner, tea, and supper, all the year round,--a brick and +mortar elysium where it was all play and no work. "Oho!" said the board, +looking very knowing; "we are the fellows to set this to rights; we'll +stop it all in no time." So they established the rule, that all poor +people should have the alternative (for they would compel nobody, not +they,) of being starved by a gradual process in the house, or by a quick +one out of it. With this view, they contracted with the water-works to +lay on an unlimited supply of water, and with a corn-factor to supply +periodically small quantities of oatmeal; and issued three meals +of thin gruel a-day, with an onion twice a week, and half a roll on +Sundays. They made a great many other wise and humane regulations having +reference to the ladies, which it is not necessary to repeat: kindly +undertook to divorce poor married people, in consequence of the great +expense of a suit in Doctors' Commons; and, instead of compelling a man +to support his family as they had theretofore done, took his family +away from him, and made him a bachelor! There is no telling how many +applicants for relief under these last two heads would not have started +up in all classes of society, if it had not been coupled with the +workhouse. But they were long-headed men, and they had provided for this +difficulty. The relief was inseparable from the workhouse and the gruel; +and that frightened people. + +For the first three months after Oliver Twist was removed, the system +was in full operation. It was rather expensive at first, in consequence +of the increase in the undertaker's bill, and the necessity of taking +in the clothes of all the paupers, which fluttered loosely on their +wasted, shrunken forms, after a week or two's gruel. But the number of +workhouse inmates got thin, as well as the paupers; and the board were +in ecstasies. + +The room in which the boys were fed, was a large, stone hall, with a +copper at one end, out of which the master, dressed in an apron for +the purpose, and assisted by one or two women, ladled the gruel at +meal-times; of which composition each boy had one porringer, and no +more,--except on festive occasions, and then he had two ounces and a +quarter of bread besides. The bowls never wanted washing--the boys +polished them with their spoons, till they shone again; and when they +had performed this operation (which never took very long, the spoons +being nearly as large as the bowls), they would sit staring at the +copper with such eager eyes as if they could devour the very bricks +of which it was composed; employing themselves meanwhile in sucking +their fingers most assiduously, with the view of catching up any +stray splashes of gruel that might have been cast thereon. Boys have +generally excellent appetites: Oliver Twist and his companions suffered +the tortures of slow starvation for three months; at last they got so +voracious and wild with hunger, that one boy, who was tall for his age, +and hadn't been used to that sort of thing, (for his father had kept a +small cook's shop,) hinted darkly to his companions, that unless he had +another basin of gruel _per diem_, he was afraid he should some night +eat the boy who slept next him, who happened to be a weakly youth of +tender age. He had a wild, hungry eye, and they implicitly believed him. +A council was held; lots were cast who should walk up to the master +after supper that evening, and ask for more; and it fell to Oliver Twist. + +The evening arrived: the boys took their places; the master in his +cook's uniform stationed himself at the copper; his pauper assistants +ranged themselves behind him; the gruel was served out, and a long grace +was said over the short commons. The gruel disappeared, and the boys +whispered each other and winked at Oliver, while his next neighbours +nudged him. Child as he was, he was desperate with hunger and reckless +with misery. He rose from the table, and advancing, basin and spoon in +hand, to the master, said, somewhat alarmed at his own temerity-- + +"Please, sir, I want some more." + +The master was a fat, healthy man, but he turned very pale. He gazed in +stupified astonishment on the small rebel for some seconds, and then +clung for support to the copper. The assistants were paralyzed with +wonder, and the boys with fear. + +"What!" said the master at length, in a faint voice. + +"Please, sir," replied Oliver, "I want some more." + +The master aimed a blow at Oliver's head with the ladle, pinioned him in +his arms, shrieked aloud for the beadle. + +The board were sitting in solemn conclave when Mr. Bumble rushed into +the room in great excitement, and addressing the gentleman in the high +chair, said,-- + +"Mr. Limbkins, I beg your pardon, sir;--Oliver Twist has asked for +more." There was a general start. Horror was depicted on every +countenance. + +"For _more_!" said Mr. Limbkins. "Compose yourself, Bumble, and answer +me distinctly. Do I understand that he asked for more, after he had +eaten the supper allotted by the dietary?" + +"He did, sir," replied Bumble. + +"That boy will be hung," said the gentleman in the white waistcoat; "I +know that boy will be hung." + +Nobody controverted the prophetic gentleman's opinion. An animated +discussion took place. Oliver was ordered into instant confinement; and +a bill was next morning pasted on the outside of the gate, offering a +reward of five pounds to anybody who would take Oliver Twist off the +hands of the perish: in other words, five pounds and Oliver Twist were +offered to any man or woman who wanted an apprentice to any trade, +business, or calling. + +"I never was more convinced of anything in my life," said the gentleman +in the white waistcoat, as he knocked at the gate and read the bill next +morning,--"I never was more convinced of anything in my life, than I am +that that boy will come to be hung." + +As I propose to show in the sequel whether the white-waistcoated +gentleman was right or not, I should perhaps mar the interest of this +narrative, (supposing it to possess any at all,) if I ventured to hint +just yet, whether the life of Oliver Twist will be a long or a short +piece of biography. + + + + + RICHIE BARTER; THE MAN WHO SHOULD, BUT DID NOT. + +Yes! the good Sir Toby Plum died; and the very statues in the Stock +Exchange were moved,--the very pillars of that sanctuary particularly +distinguished themselves by their violent agitation,--the old Lady in +Threadneedle Street refused to be comforted,--and the universal brow +of 'Change Alley was clouded with the profoundest grief. The dumb +animals of that region--the bears and bulls--prowled about in savage +woe, and "looked unutterable things," on the day that the remains of +Sir Toby Plum were gathered to his fathers. He had a running personal +account of seventy years and upwards with old Dame Nature, which is now +paid;--(the only one, it was maliciously said, he ever paid;)--and he +dies possessed--not he, but others--of ---- thousands, (we leave a blank +for the number, to be hereafter filled up,) or, what is quite as good, +the name of them. + +"What's in a name?" Ask that beautiful inconsolable creature, his +widow, who, at the age of twenty-three, finds she is once more mistress +of herself, and of her dear Sir Toby's worldly possessions besides. +As these were supposed to be infinite, can it be imagined that we +will attempt to set down in round numbers what is inconceivable, and, +consequently, without a name? But see:--there is a staid, solemn, +business-looking personage, just stept out of her boudoir,--Peter Smyrk, +the man of business, a kind of lurcher to the late Sir Toby. She is +at present too inconsolable to receive him. Perhaps he might inform +you--you perceive by his impatience and disappointment he is most +anxious to do so. She, poor creature! could not be supposed interested +in such details, who was only a few days ago on the very brink of the +grave--(for she accompanied the remains of the good Sir Toby to the +churchyard). + +It was about a fortnight after the death of good Sir Toby that his +disconsolate widow felt reconciled to her mourning and "the novelty of +her situation." Absorbed in thoughts about her own sweet person, and +busy with reflections--such as her mirror gave,--the important Peter +Smyrk was announced. The sweetest voice in the city welcomed Peter Smyrk. + +"Very happy to see you, madam; but still sincerely sorry----" + +"Pray, Mr. Smyrk, don't revive a subject so painful to me. Sir Toby +was a good man: I shall never--ne-ver forget----" And tears such us +angels--or widows--weep, coursed down her cheek. + +"I'm sure not, madam; and I must entreat you to believe how sincerely I +sympathise with you on your loss, and how very sorry I am to be----" + +"Ah! you are very--very good, Mr. Smyrk--very considerate; so was the +good Sir Toby. But these papers----" + +"--Will, I fear, madam, but create fresh sorrow. In fact----" + +"Very true, Mr. Smyrk; anything that reminds me of that good old man +causes my sorrows to flow afresh." + +"In truth, madam," said the sympathising man of business, "there _is_ +something in these papers to cause just and deserving regret,--but still +very little to remind you of him;--he has left you but 500_l._ All the +rest of his property goes to his nephew." + +"What! all?" exclaimed the relict of Sir Toby Plum. + +"All, madam;--everything." + +"Then I am the----" But the pillows of her ottoman only knew, as she +buried her face in them, the superlative degree of misery to which she +said she was consigned by the too prudent Sir Toby. + +It was a sweet, voluptuous moonlight night,--so fair, so sweet, so full +of that delicious languor that best accords with the human heart in its +softest hours, tinging the picturesque summits of chimney-tops as well +as towers, and bringing out into pleasing relief each particular brick +of the classic region of the Minories,--that Richie Barter, enveloped +in a double-milled dreadnought, stood before what _was_ the mansion of +the late Sir Toby Plum. Richie was the very personification of a man on +'Change,--busy, important, and imposing. He was head clerk in the house, +and having served the good Sir Toby till he could serve him no longer, +and having wound up the affairs of the firm, which seem disposed of, +in that neatly-tied parcel under his arm, he avoids the garish eye of +day, and calls by moonlight to transact a little business and condolence +together. Richie was a prudent man, frugal both of his purse and person, +and stood at the door of Sir Toby, elevated with the integrity of his +purpose, and the consciousness of four thousand good pounds his own +making. A few moments, and he was ushered into the prettiest of all +parlours, where, reposing on the most seductive of ottomans, reclined +the pale and disconsolate mistress of the mansion. By the softened +lustre of a solitary lamp, the prudent eye of Richie took a hasty glance +around him: everything bespoke comfort and elegance. He sat down, drew +his chair near the sofa, and laid the neatly-tied parcel at her feet. +Only one of these was visible, and was shrouded from the too curious +gaze of Richie in a little slipper; the other, with retiring delicacy, +was withdrawn within those precincts where the imagination of Richie +did not follow. The communings of Richie on the occasion were worthy of +him, and as he feasted his eyes on its fair and delicate proportions, he +calculated (for he was a man of calculation) by a rule of _proportions_, +that if one sweet foot gave such pleasure, what would two give? In +truth, Richie, after trying the question by every rule of proportion +that _Cocker_ or _Cupid_ could suggest, boldly asked himself what might +the lady give, who abounded in proportion; and, as a prudent man, he +thought at no remote period he might put that question. + +"Still inconsolable, madam?" said Richie Barter after a few prefatory +hems. "Surely you might yield to the soothing anxieties of your friends, +and be reconciled to the loss--good man that he was!" + +"Ah! Mr. Barter, such a loss!--so undeserved!--so unexpected!--and to be +left thus a prey to----" + +"We must all go in our turn, madam," interrupted the sententious Richie; +"and 'tis a consolation to his successors to know that his affairs +were in a most flourishing condition;--a net capital, madam, of forty +thousand pounds, after all demands. You will find the exact state of his +affairs in these papers." + +Lady Plum petulantly kicked the parcel off the sofa. + +"I hate business, Mr. Barter; and were forty times the sum" +(perceiving his ignorance of the testamentary disposition of +the property) "contained in them, I would trust to your skill +and integrity to wind up the matter." + +"These forty thousand at your command, madam," said Richie, "the bulk of +Sir Toby's property, if properly _husbanded_----" + +The mention of a sum which she knew she _had not_, coupled with the name +of husband, who she knew had not appreciated her merits, brought two +pearly drops into her eyes, which Richie would have given a quarter's +salary to be permitted to kiss off, and which vied in size and lustre +with those that trembled in her ears; but he did what was quite as +grateful to the widow,--he summoned a little moisture into his own. This +sympathetic display was not lost on the considerate lady. + +"'Forty times that sum'--were not these her words?" thought Richie +Barter, as, wending his way down Cheapside, he began to ponder on the +widow's words, "and would entrust it all to Richie Barter! Well! that +sum, and my own four thousand, would make a man of Richie Barter for +life." And, brimful of the gayest and happiest anticipations, he strode +on. + +"Please, sir, what o'clock is it?" asked a little boy of Richie, as he +stood staring at the clock of Bow Church; to which Richie, heedless of +time and space, answered, "Forty thousand;" and, equally regardless of +the shouts of laughter which the answer provoked, he walked on. + +Night after night the precise Richie stood before the mansion of the +late Sir Toby Plum, enwrapt in his dreadnought, and in thoughts equally +fearless. The same low, considerate, but somewhat confidential rap +admitted him; the same sweet little parlour and its fair occupant +received him; the same confidence was expressed in his integrity and +skill. Financial arrangements, discussed by _proportions_, he found +irresistibly conclusive; till, in the fulness of time,--according to +Richie's own account, three months _after sight_,--he became one of +the happiest of husbands, and forthwith began to make arrangements for +_husbanding_--now that he was qualified--their joint stock; and Richie +Barter was a happy man. Richie was also a cautious man; but how absurd +a thing is caution, particularly in affairs of the heart!--with which, +if they would prosper, the head must have nothing to do. In a short time +Richie began to discover that he might possibly have been a little too +precipitate in marriage; that pro_portions_, which gave forty thousand +pounds as a result of the most correct calculation, were not to be +relied upon; in short, that he might have looked before him;--and Richie +sighed profoundly as he exclaimed, "_I should--but did not!_" + +The moon that generally succeeds matrimony, and upon which all the +sweets of poetry, and prose, and the grocer's shop, have been expended +to give an adequate idea of its deliciousness,--thus "gilding refined +gold," and making a planet, supposed to be green cheese, the very +essence of honey,--that luminary had run its course, and found Richie +Barter one day in the dishabille becoming a Benedict, flung on a sofa, +with his dexter hand thrown across the back of it, lost in a reverie +as profound as his breeches-pocket, with something like a "pale cast +of thought" on a countenance once rubicund, and now rendered perfectly +cadaverous by a glance at a letter which he was crumpling in his fist. + +"How is this, Julia, dear? there must be some mistake," said the +agitated Richie to the most prudent of wives, as she entered the room. +"Only a paltry five hundred, when I thought forty thousand was in the +way!--Surely there must be a mistake in this!" + +"In matters of business, Mr. Barter,--you know I hate business,--there +_will_ be mistakes," quoth the lady; "business is my aversion;" and she +swept by the amazed Richie with all the dignity of a Siddons. "I married +you, Mr. Barter, to get rid of business and its degrading details;" and +she looked with no very equivocal air of contempt on the bulk of Richie +as he lay coiled on the sofa, crumpling the letter. + +"Mr. Smyrk," said a servant half opening the door. + +"Wish you ten thousand joys, Mrs. Barter," said Sir Toby's man of +business as he entered. "An excellent character,--a most prudent man, is +Mr. Barter." + +"Why not make it forty thousand joys, sir?" exclaimed Richie. + +"Very facetious, Mr. Barter; but this just reminds me of a little +business I came about,--a few debts of your good lady, which her +creditors are a little clamorous for, particularly since you've got the +reputation of having got forty thousand pounds with her." + +"Forty thousand devils!" roared the furious Richie. "Will the +_reputation_ of that sum pay one shilling of her debts?--tell me that." + +"Can't exactly say; but, as the friend of the late Sir Toby, I looked +in, in the family way. A little business of my own--a trifle over three +hundred pounds;--Mrs. Barter will tell you the value received." And the +prudent Mr. Smyrk presented his bill to that amount, and left Richie +glaring and grinning at this fresh demand. + +"This is beyond all endurance, Mrs. Barter," said Richie, as he flung +the bill on the ground. + +Mrs. B. deliberately took it up, and appeared for a moment absorbed +in thought. "I have it!--I have it!" at length she exclaimed, as the +bewildered Richie stood staring at her abstraction. + +"Well, Mrs. B.; and what have you--not forty thousand pounds?" + +"No--a thought," said she seriously. + +"A fiddle-stick!" cried Richie. + +"No such thing, love!" and the fascinating Mrs. B. slid her arm round +her helpmate's neck, and began to unfold her purpose. "You know," said +she, "how I was disappointed in my just expectations at the death of +Sir Toby. I had every reason to expect that the bulk of his property, +which goes to his nephew, would have been mine. That young man is as +yet unacquainted with the fact, and by the assistance of Smyrk, whom we +might get over, he might remain so, and for a period sufficiently long +for our purpose. Smyrk may manage that, and also to keep the world in +ignorance of the matter. At present we have the _reputation_ of being +the sole owners of forty thousand pounds." + +"Nonsense, Mrs. B.! What's in a name?" muttered Richie. + +"I'll tell you what's in it. There is, in the first place, the credit +derived from the reputation of that sum,--the splendour, the elegance, +the comfort, the world's good opinion, the world's----" + +"Laugh!" exclaimed Barter, with deriding bitterness, as he sneered at +the chimera of his helpmate. "I'm a ruined man! I'm a beggar!--a fool!" + +"You may be all three together, Mr. Barter, if you choose; but that +would be too extravagant. Let us first settle this trifle of Smyrk's, +whose bare whisper, you know, in the city, will settle the affair +for us; and with your present savings, love,--isn't it four thousand +pounds?--and the name of forty thousand pounds----" + +"What's in a name?" sighed the desponding Richie; but, brightening at +the prospect conjured up before him, he appeared to acquiesce, and the +bill of Peter Smyrk was instantly paid. Mrs. B's drafts on futurity, +and on Richie's four thousand pounds, began to be pretty considerable; +and all the _good debts_, which, as sleeping partner in the firm, she +brought with her, were paid. + +How often did he revert to his former unambitious and peaceful life when +freed from any attachments either of love or law,--when, with a clear +conscience, and a well-brushed coat, he sat perched on the high stool +at his desk in ---- Alley, where his horizon was bounded by cotton-bags +and wool-sacks, and through a vista of tea-chests, as they were piled +in pyramidal precision, before his considerate eyes! Thoughts of better +days and better things came over him as he flung his last sovereign in +payment for some pretty trumpery of his very dear Mrs. B. and cried, "I +might have prevented all this,--_I should_--_but did not_!" + +In this mood of mind it was, that Richie, as he was one day exercising +his ruminating faculties on the number and colour of the flags on London +Bridge, and profoundly intent on the diagrams formed by the mud thereon, +was roused from his reverie by a smart tap on the shoulder. Now this was +given with such precision, there was no mistaking it; and if he had any +doubts of the intent of the individual thus accosting him, they were at +once dispelled by his _captivating_ manner, which, though manly, was +somewhat _apprehensive_, and of such a nature as to be quite _taking_ at +first sight;--such is the overpowering, irresistible charm of manner! + +"'Tis rather sudden, sir," said Richie, "and the amount not very great; +it might have been settled without arrest." + +"You must admit, Mr. Barter," said the sheriff's officer, "that the +thing is done genteelly; no noise or exposure. Surely you won't go to +jail for this trifle;" and Richie groaned as the _Bench_ and its bars +stared him in the face. + +"No use in fretting, sir," said the chief performer in this civil +action. "There's nothing like bending to a storm. If a man reels and +staggers, the best thing he can do is to 'go to the wall' for support: +and let me tell you, sir, that many a man has made a right good stand +_there_ when driven to it. Lord bless you! the coats of half my +acquaintance are absolutely threadbare from standing too close to it. +You don't understand me, mayhap not; two or three good _compositions_, +and _then_ a good fat insolvency, friendly assignees, and a few other +friendly etceteras,--that's what I mean by 'going to the wall,' Mr. +Barter. You'll make a pretty _wall_flower yourself--an excellent +creeping plant. You may be bruised a little, and in that case the _wall_ +will be good for shelter and support, and in time you may creep against +it;" and the worthy official gentlemen chuckled, as he gave poor Barter +a nudge in the side, and conducted him through what he called the way of +all flesh,--a small wicket studded with spikes, on either side of which +stood fellows with looks as sharp and as full of iron. And as Richie +found himself in the midst of the prison, a sinking of the heart--a +feeling of loneliness and desolation came over him, and he exclaimed, + +"How easily I might have avoided this!--I could have done so--'tis clear +I SHOULD--BUT I DID NOT!" + L. + + + + + PLUNDER CREEK.--1783. + _A Legend of New York._ + + BY THE AUTHOR OF "TALES OF AN ANTIQUARY." + + I cannot tell how the truth may be, + I say the tale as 'twas said to me.--SCOTT. + +The reader perhaps scarcely requires to be reminded, that an +acknowledgment of the independence of America, and preliminaries of +peace between that country and Britain, were signed at Paris, November +30th, 1782; though it was not until the following February that a vessel +from the United States first arrived in the river Thames. Early in +that month the friend who communicated this narrative chanced to visit +an old London physician, who had long since retired from practice, +and who had, oddly enough, selected as the seat of his repose one of +those ancient houses, built half of brick and half of wood, which stood +within the last seven years, on the western side of the Southwark end +of old London Bridge, partly hanging over the roaring water, and partly +standing in the street called Bridge-Foot. Another visitor, who was then +present, was a zealous old Dissenting clergyman, probably originally +of the family of Dunwoodie, or Dinwithie, but who at this time was +called Doctor Downwithit; a name which he singularly well deserved, from +his practice of beating the cushion in his fervency, in the pulpit, +and of vehemently striking the table in conversation, to enforce his +arguments and observations. In supporting these, he was generally rather +loud and tenacious; and one of his most favourite notions was, that +almost all genuine religion had travelled westward to America, which +had thus become the ark wherein it was preserved, and the very Salem +of the modern world. He believed, however, on the authority of the +early historians of the country, and especially on that of the strange +narratives of the Mather family, that certain parts were grievously +vexed by witches and evil spirits; for, like many of his brethren, he +held that compacts with the infernal powers were still possible. But if +_New_ England were thus troubled, he also considered that _Old_ England +was in a still worse condition; for he maintained the well-known saying +to be no allegory, but a literal fact, that Satan was bodily resident in +London! + +The remainder of the party, to which the reader is now introduced, +consisted of the old physician himself, and his wife,--a little sharp +old dame, most terrifically stiff and ceremonious, and dressed in the +most solemn fashion of half-a-dozen years previous. Her hair, superbly +powdered, was most exactly combed straight upright over a cushion, +the sides being curiously frizzed, and the back turned up in a broad +loop; upon the top of which tower appeared a tremulous little gauze +cap, decorated with ribands, and fastened by long pins with heads of +diamond-paste. The rest of her dress consisted of a stiff rose-colour +silk gown, of great length in the waist, and bordered in every part with +rich full trimmings; whilst the front, and all around it, was open, and +drawn up in large festoons with knots of riband, discovering an under +garment of purple silk, and a round and full-flounced white muslin +apron. Black silk shoes, with high French heels and rich diamond-cut +steel buckles, completed her costume. Next to this stately dress, if +there were any thing in which Mistress Cleopatra Curetoun was most +particularly particular, it was in observing and exacting the most +punctilious manners, and in the exhibition and preservation of her +tea-equipage; a very rare, very small, and very fragile, set of Nan-kin +porcelain, which forty years back, was in the highest estimation and +value. + +The recent peace with America, and particularly the arrival of a ship +from the United States, had inspired Dr. Downwithit with even more +than his usual warmth and energy in discoursing of them, especially +when he spake of the unlooked-for happiness and glory of "the Thirteen +Stripes of America at that moment flying in the river!" He also farther +expressed his joyful zeal by frequent and vigorous blows upon Mrs. +Cleopatra's small round tea-table, of the carved Honduras mahogany then +so fashionable, which approached in colour to ebony itself. At every +stroke of his broad and heavy fist, all the china simultaneously leaped +and chattered, and the table declined and rose again with a creaking +jerk, which showed how much it was internally affected by the worthy +preacher's zealous orations; and it may be doubted if either spring +or hinge ever perfectly recovered them. At each of these convulsions, +Mrs. Cleopatra regarded her visitor with a withering frown, every +lineament of which was visible, from the extremely open character of her +head-dress; and she appeared to be earnestly wishing that the boisterous +admirer of America were safe in irons on board the vessel he declaimed +about, with thrice the thirteen stripes duly laid upon his back. + +"The Thirteen Stripes of America in the river, madam!" exclaimed the +doctor for the twentieth time; and for the twentieth time he drove his +fist upon the table with the aforesaid consequences; "the Thirteen +Stripes of America in the river!--it's a step towards the universal +peace of the world, and an event not to be paralleled in our times! +But what do we hereupon? Why, I'll tell you: instead of receiving our +American brethren with repentance, kindness, and honour, we let their +ship come up even to the very Custom-house with as little regard as a +herring-buss or the Gravesend tilt-boat! + +"Convince yourself of it by today's _London Chronicle_. Only listen. +'February 8th. Mr. Hammet begged to inform the House of a very recent +and extraordinary event; that, at the very time he was speaking, an +American ship was in the river Thames, with the Thirteen Stripes flying +on board!'--an interjectional bang upon the table.--'She offered to +enter at the Custom-house, but the officers were at a loss what to do.' +Now, Mr. Physician, what have you to say to this?" + +"Why, doctor," said Curetoun merrily, "that brother Jonathan was +in vastly great haste to get a week sooner where nobody wanted him +at all; and so we may conclude that he's very glad the war's over, +notwithstanding his swaggering." + +"But, sir, we _do_ want our Transatlantic brother," instantly rejoined +Downwithit, in a vehement and positive voice; "we want all those +blessings which America has in such abundance,--her liberty, her +patriotism, her pastoral simplicity, her temperance, her humanity, her +piety, her----" + +"Her witches, and her slaves!" added the physician quietly. + +"Sir," said the minister, innocently, "there has not been either witch +or conjuror in America for these last fifty years, and more. If I live +another day, I will go to the wharf and glad my eyes with the sight +of that most happy vessel wherein the Thirteen Stripes of America are +now floating in the river; nor will I refuse to give the right hand of +fellowship to the meanest mariner or servant on board, but think myself +honoured and happy in his grasp: for methinks there must be something +soul-refreshing in the very voice and touch of persons coming from so +pious a country. _Here_ we speak with the tongues of worldlings; but +_there_ the common converse is framed out of that used by our ancient +godly ancestors, who, for conscience sake, emigrated to the American +deserts and forests. It is 'holy oil from the lamps of the sanctuary,' +as the pious John Clarke calls it; a sort of blessed tongue, which----" + +"You're an awful smart chap, I calkilate," exclaimed a loud voice in the +passage, with a most remarkable kind of twang; "you _are_ mighty 'cute, +but I rather guess now the 'squire is _to_ home, and that I must see him +right slick away at once, and so here I sticks." + +"Yes, sure, he speak to massa," added another voice, evidently that of a +negro, with a thick gobbling sound; "he berry 'ticklar message for him +from berry ole friend." Then, in a lower tone, it continued, "He give +Ivory lilly drop o' rum, Mister Spanker Pokehorn see him." + +These speeches had followed a loud knocking at the door, and the +servant's vain attempt to explain that Dr. Curetoun was engaged with +visitors. The domestic, however, at length succeeded in tranquillising +the guests, and then entered with a letter for the physician, of which +he almost immediately announced the contents, by saying, "Well, Dr. +Downwithit, you will now have it in your power to shake hands with a +_real_ American from yonder ship, without waiting till to-morrow, or +even going down to the wharf; for I learn by this letter, that my old +acquaintance Backwoodsley, who went to settle in Kentucky twenty years +ago, has sent over his intended son-in-law, and one of his negroes, to +collect his outstanding debts, and dispose of his property." + +"By your favour, then, sir," said the clergyman, "I beg that we may +presently have them both in." + +The physician's orders to this effect being given, in a few seconds +appeared the American and his negro. The former was a very tall and +strong man, with a sallow and most audacious countenance, shaded by +hog-colour hair, which grew in stiff pendent flakes; he was dressed in +a large loose suit of coarse light-brown duffel, with a long and wide +frock-coat and trousers, and a broad white hat. He carried a five-feet +untrimmed bamboo in one hand, and in the other a Dutch pipe, which he +continued to smoke and swing about, to the great molestation of Mrs. +Cleopatra, who absolutely started with horror, at the sight of a human +being clad in a style so savage, and so entirely opposite to the fashion +of the time. Of the negro it is enough to say, that he was of the Dutch +race, broad and big in person, very greasy in the face, something like a +ship's cook; his mouth was of an enormous size, and evidently accustomed +to both good laughing and good living; and his dress consisted of +coarse dark-grey cloth, with a tow shirt and trousers, and a dirty +striped woollen cap. After a courteous welcome and introduction, the +physician inquired after the welfare of his acquaintance in Kentucky, to +which the American replied in the same loud nasal tone as before,-- + +"Why, the 'squire's pretty kedge for an ould un, and I guess that I'm +cleverly myself; though, as I've been progressing all day hither and +yon, I arn't in such good kilter as I was when I first got in the ould +country; for I reckon it rained some to-day, and was dreadful sloshy +going, enough to make mankind slump at every step. It was mighty near +four o'clock, too, afore I could see a plate-house to feed at; and when +I made an enquerry for one, folk laughed and said nout, as if I'd spoke +Greek, or was moosical, for you doosn't talk such dreadful coorious +elegant English here in your little place of an island as we do, I +reckon. So I began to rile, I did; and grow tarnation wolfy: but at last +I saw the New York Coffee-house, and in I turns, and spends the balance +of the day there. They charged me four dollars for feed and drinking, +they did; and yet couldn't give me a beaker of egging, or gin cock-tail, +or a grain of sangaree, or any other fogmatic, or a dish of homminy. And +now I should like to make an enquerry of you; what's your names? and how +have you got along?--I say, Ivory, you precious nigger!" he continued, +suddenly turning round and aiming a long stroke at him with his rattan, +"What do _you_ do, in the 'squire's keeping-room?" + +"Massa help tell he to come in," returned Ivory, most adroitly edging +and skipping out of the sweep of the bamboo. + +"Yes, sir," interposed the physician, coming between them, "it was +at my request he came, and so he is not at all to blame. My friend +here is extremely desirous of hearing from your own lips something +about a country which he esteems so _free_, so _pious_, and so _happy_ +as America." This he uttered with a peculiarly arch expression, and +a side-glance at Downwithit; and then continued, "But first what +refreshments shall we offer you, Mr. Pokehorn; I believe that's your +name?" + +"Oh, I arn't nice, by no manner of means," returned the American; "I can +take considerable of anything now, but the nigger will like a beaker of +rum best." + +"Pray, sir," said Mrs. Cleopatra in a very stately manner, though meant +to be very gracious, "what family has Mr. Backwoodsley? I was but a mere +girl when he left Europe, though I _can_ remember he was a fine tall +portly gentleman." + +"Possible! Well, now, ma'am, I should have guessed you'd been raised +a purty middling awful long time afore that, to look at you: but, as +you say, the 'squire's tall enough now, I calkilate, and so is all his +family, for that matter; for Longfellow Backwoodsley, of Kiwigittyquag, +measures six foot three in natur's stockings, and his sister Boadicea +is but an inch and a half shorter. What family has the 'squire, did +you say? Why, mighty near a dozen, I calkilate. Let's see: there's +Travelout Backwoodsley, the oldest, he was the squatter as went to +Tennessee; Longfellow, as I told you about, an awful smart gunner and +racoon-catcher he is; Gumbleton, that is considerable of a lawyer +in York State: Hoister, as went to sea; my ould woman as is to be, +Boadicea; Increase-and-Multiply, the schoolmaster in Connecticut; +Brandywine, what keeps the Rock of Columbia hotel at Boston, and a +mighty powerful log-tavern it is as you'll see in a year's march; +Leandish, that has the plate-house at Hoboken; Skinner, what set up the +leather and finding store in Kentucky: I some think that's the tote, +but four or five squeakers, squealers, younkers, whelps, and rubbish, +that keeps about the ould log-house at home as yet. Pray how ould's your +wife, 'squire? and where was she raised?" + +"I suppose," said the physician, taking no notice of this question, +"that Master Backwoodsley is growing rich, and likes his settlement, by +his not coming back to England." + +"Oh yaas! he conducts well, and likes his location," was the reply. "He +bought at a good lay first, and then filled it with betterments, and +farming trade, and creturs, and helps, and niggers, at an awful smart +outlay of the dollars, I calkilate; but he has got along considerable +well for all that. For sartain he is the yellow flower of the forest +for prosperity. As for coming back, he used to say, when the war had a +closure he would go to the ould country, and bring away the plunder he +left behind; but about last fall the ague give him a purty particular +smart awful shaking, and put him in an unhandsome fix, so the journey +wouldn't convene. So one day, as I was a-looking over my snake-fence +at Rams-Babylon, almost partly opposite to his clearing, what doos I +see, but the 'squire coming along the road at a jouncing pace on his +Narragansett mar, what is a real smasher at a trotting, and then he +pulled up close to the zig-zag, and I stuck myself atop of a stake, +and we held a talk. Says the 'squire, says he, 'Son-in-law Spanker P. +Pokehorn as is to be'--my name's Anthony Spanker Pendleton Pokehorn, +but he always shorts it,--'Son-in-law Spanker P. Pokehorn, I'll tell +you what it is,--I guess I'm getting ould now, and more than that, I've +a desp'ut ugly ague, what has made me quite froughy and brash to what +I was, so that I should take two good blows of my fist to bring down a +beef-cretur; which doosn't ought to be, when a man's only sixty. Now, +you see, as I can't go to get in my debits and plunder from the ould +country, I'll deed them all to you for thirty dollars cash, or lumber, +or breadstuffs, or farmers' pro_duce_, if you admire; and the tote +appreciates to mighty near two hundred, I guess.'" + +"Well, sir," said Curetoun, "and on this account you have come to +England?" + +"Oh yaas!" answered the Columbian; "but at first I declined off to buy +at a better lay; for arter higgling back and forth for a while, I give +the 'squire but twenty dollars in all, and he give me the nigger, Ivory +Whiteface there, besides. Sartain he was awful sharp to make an ugly +bargain; but if he _was_ the steel blade, I guess I was the unpierceable +di'mond; and, for fear he should squiggle, I got all set down in black +and white afore the authority, and a letter to Lawyer Sharples. Now I +calkilate to put up all at auction, and to sell some notions of my own, +what I've brought over in my plunder, to make more avails.--How do you +allot upon that?" + +"Why, sir," said Dr. Downwithit, "that sensible notions from America +are very much wanted at this time, to show us the excellence of her +equitable laws and liberties, and the purity of her religion. I say, +sir, publish them. There's no doubt of their selling well and quickly +for any bookseller----" + +"The Lord!" exclaimed Mr. Pokehorn, with a shrill whistle and a sidelong +glance at the minister, and then, turning to Curetoun, he said, "The +ould 'squire's awful wordy; he's a Congress-man or a slang-whanger, I +guess, or else he's mighty moosical, I reckon.--Bookseller!--Publish! +--What doos he mean?--You tarnation nigger! who told you to laugh? +You calkilate as I harn't got the cowskins here; but I'll whop you +cooriously all as one.--I'll tell you what it is, friend, I doosn't know +what you means, I doosn't." + +"Why, Mr. Pokehorn, that you should print your American notions." + +"Print!--Oh yaas! I guess now,--in the notice of vendue you mean. Why, +there's no merchants' trade, no awful package; only a few small little +notions, and such wares, though they arn't got genoowine into the ould +country, I reckon. It's some Indian plunder as I cleared out when I came +away." + +"Is it possible, then," exclaimed Downwithit, "that the highly-favoured +inhabitants of America deal in plunder! Restore that illgotten spoil of +the Indians young man, or----" + +"What _doos_ he mean?" interrupted Pokehorn, in a perplexed and angry +voice. "Why, doosn't he understand English? Arn't plunder travelling +stuff?--And what did you think notions was?" + +"Sir," said the minister, "in our language the term signifies thoughts; +and I supposed that you had meant intellectual, or moral, or religious +views of America; not the base wares of worldly traffic." + +"Perhaps, Mr. Pokehorn," said the physician, wishing to relieve both his +guests, "you interest yourself more in the politics of your country. Did +you witness any of the late actions? or was your residence near the seat +of war?" + +"Sartain!" returned the American. "I guess that we had purty +considerable tough skrimmageing about us. What with the Indians, and the +riglars, and the skinners, and the cow-boys, there warn't no keeping a +beef-cretur in the pen, nor sleeping ten winks at a time. You'd have +thought the devil was let loose." + +"And no doubt he was, as he always is in war," said Downwithit, "or +rather he sent forth his legions to vex your persecuted land; for his +only proper habitation on earth is this sin-devising city of London!" + +"That a berry true, massa," interposed the negro, "for Massa +Backwoodsley often say, 'Ivory, I whop you, sure as a devil in London;' +and he always do it. But folk say, another devil in Ameriky, for all +that. He know story of man what see um and talk to um. He not b'lieve it +at all, dough. Good parson sometime preach about he's tempatation." + +"That's a fact," added Mr. Pokehorn, "and an awful strange history it +is, if true. If you want to hear the story, the nigger can fix you; for +he's precious tonguey and wordy about them devildoms, and witches, and +wild Indians, when he sits in the mud in the sunshine, at Rams-Babylon +and High-Forks, keeping the helps from work, or at a maple-log fire in +the winter." + +"Then, my sable friend," said Downwithit, "with the good leave of all +present, we'll have it now." + +"Why, I'll tell you what it is," answered Pokehorn, "if it will happify +the ould 'squire, the nigger shall have his own head for once in a +while; so fire away, Ivory, and when you're not right I'll set you wrong +myself." + +"Iss, massa," began the negro; "ebbery body like a hear ole Ivory tell +he story about a PLUNDER CREEK: + +"In um ole ancient time of York, afore a great war, all a West Indy keys +and a Long Island Straits and Sound war' a berry full of a ugly cruel +pirates;--s'pose massa often heard of they;--and um ould folk, what sure +to know, say a devil fuss help 'em get plunder, and then larn 'em how to +hide it safe, in a middle of dark stormy nights, under bluffs, and up a +creeks, all along shore, nighum Bowery Lane.--S'pose massa know a Bowery +Lane, in um end of York?" + +"Sartain the 'squire does know that, you tarnation Guinea-crow, though +he doos keep in the ould country," interposed Mr. Pokehorn; "but I guess +it's enough to make mankind rile to hear a body doubt it, sin' the +Bowery Lane, in the free independent city of York, in York State, must +be knowed by all the tote of the univarsal arth, I reckon! Well, now +I calkilate it was a mighty coorious place for them ugly pirates, and +did convene well, being partly all nigh the straits, awful rocky, and +considerable full of trees hanging over, because there warn't then no +clearing them away; and the say was, that the devil and them tarnation +set of sarpents buried their plunder there, where mankind mought look +for it till the week arter doomsday, and never get it out again. They +say the devil's hands is cruel clitchy when he takes money to keep; and +though a purty considerable banditti of money-diggers has often been +arter it, they couldn't fix it, that's a fact, and I some think that +nobody never will now." + +"Him that try a last," resumed the negro,--"a half-starve crazy +schoolmaster and almanack-maker, name a Domine Crolius Arend +Keekenkettel, what some call he Peep-in-a-pot,--he travel about and live +by him wits, wherever him find good cupboard. He ask a ole governor of +York let him conjure away a devil, and get up money for a state; only he +want a pay first to help him dig. But golly! a governor he mighty smart +for white man, and no fool; he say, 'Dere a shovel and pickaxe, dem all +you want now, I guess. You go dig; you find considerable much treasure +of a ugly pirates, you hab a half then, but no tink a get anyting afore, +I calkilate.'" + +"Shut your ugly beak, you croaking blackbird!" interrupted the American, +incensed by Ivory's singular praise of the whites; "and doosn't be +moosical upon your betters; though he was an Englisher, I reckon that +he was a purty middling sight afore a small world of niggers. Well, the +schoolmaster he contrived to make friends with a fat little Dutcher, +which had to name Dyckman Deypester, and was located on a clearing in +the Bloomendael, up the Bowery Lane, on the road to Yonkers and Tarry +Town. The say was, that he had such an almighty quantity of dollars, +that he floored his keeping-room with them under the bricks; and I +rather guess that he did keep 'em awfully close out of the sight of +mankind. I doosn't tell you this for sartain: but, to be sure, he was +considerable of a farmer, he was; and made as many betterments, and +got as many humans and creturs about his clearing, as brought a whole +banditti of suitorers arter his daughter Dortje; and she was besides a +dreadful smart, clever, coorious lass as you shall see between Cow-neck +and Babylon. There was young Louis Hudson, a springy, ac_tive_ young +fellow. He was a settler; but nobody knowed where he was born, nor +himself neither, like a homeless and markless ram. I guess, though, he +was raised to York State, he was such a flower of mankind. Then there +was ould Morgan Hornigold, from Jamaica: belike he was a leetle of the +buccaneer, for he'd been to sea all his days, and looked some between a +Jarman and a Spaniard, with a cross of the sea bull-dog. He was purty +kedge still; but I some think he wanted to lay up for life where it +warn't knowed what he had been. Then there was the almanack-maker, and a +banditti of suitorers besides, as I said afore. I calkilate that dollars +warn't awful plenty with any of them: but what they wanted in cash, +they made up in fierce love to Doll Deypester; and stuff, and notions, +and palaver to the ould Dutcher. He was a coorious smart individual, +and considerably moosical, and so he let them think that they'd got +his good word by sarving as helps on his clearing, making his zig-zag +grand against breachy cattle, or the likes of that; but I reckon that +he warn't the fish to be caught without the golden hook: though, if the +devil had been the fisherman then, he would have fixed the Dutcher. I +some think that it was nigh spring that Doll Deypester's birth-day came +about, and all the suitorers were awful earnest with ould Dyckman to fix +for one of them; the woman being most for young Hudson, and the Dutcher +for him as had most plunder, and could best get well along in the world. +So says the mynheer, says he, 'I'll tell you what it is,' says he; +'you're all mighty smart fellows, you are; but afore I give my gal to +any of you, I must know if you can pay the charges; for I reckon for me +to give the dollars and the wife both is what I call a leetle too purty +middling particklar. I won't have no squatting on my clearing, and no +bundling with my darter, I won't; and so, to save squiggling, whoever of +you can bring me first five hundred hard dollars on her birth-day shall +have Dortje Deypester.'--That was what ould Dyckman said, only I rather +guess that he didn't talk such coorious elegant English as I doos, +because he was an awful smoker, and a Dutcher besides. Upon the hearing +of this, they mighty soon took themselves slick right away off, all but +young Hudson and the schoolmaster; for one knowed when he was in good +quarters, and t'other loved Dortje too well, I calkilate, to leave till +he couldn't stay no longer.--I say, Ivory, arn't you going to tell the +'squire the story, or do you calkilate as I should go the whole hog for +you, you 'tarnal lazy log of ebony?" + +"Him tinkee massa like to hear heself talk best," answered the negro. +"Golly! he tell it awful elegant, sure:--most as well as ole Ivory. A +day afore a Dortje's birth-day, come on mighty ugly storm, what a ole +folk say tear up ebberyting he meet on a ground, and rocks on a shore, +so that man see considerable much strange tings dere, what he never +know afore or again. A wind crack a biggest trees, and snap a strongest +zig-zags like a twigs, and a rain pour down like a water-spout. Toward +a night a storm he little clear up, and a wind he blow but in puff and +gusts, and a moon show heself, dough in mighty cloudy watery sky. +Then Louis he leave a house of ole Deypester, 'cause he not see Dortje +give away next morning to Jamaica-man, and bote of 'em sad enough, he +calkilate; but there no help, and away he go in despair. He not got +far from a clearing when he see a moon shine down mighty ugly narrow +gulf, where a road go to a Hudson River below, and he stop little and +look, 'cause he never remember he to see a place afore. While he stand, +he tink he hear man speak, and then he see him sitting on rock in a +moonlight, half way down a gulf, and another standing by. Hudson then go +down heself on a dark side, till he get opposite, and then he look over +and see a Domine Keekenkettel talking to a mighty 'tickler handsome, +grand, ole colour gentleum----" + +"Sartain it was the ould gentleman, sure_ly_," interrupted the American, +"in the shape of a nigger, which arn't considerably much of a hiding for +the devil, I calkilate." + +"I don't tink he look a bit of a devil," answered Ivory, somewhat +offended. "A tink a devil so handsome as a colour man? Be sure he no +devil, 'cause ebberybody know he all white!" + +"Quit, you lying jackdaw!" replied Pokehorn with great promptness, and +a long stroke at Ivory; "that's only in Guinea, I calkilate, that he +mayn't be mistaken for one of the family. Go on, and don't be moosical, +or I trounce you." + +"Well," resumed the negro, "Louis soon hear a domine say, 'This our +bargain, then,--I take your place to watch a pirates' treasure,--I +guess I soon fix him, and get him all slick away. But afore you and I +deal, p'raps you show where a money is buried.' A stranger then point +between a rocks beside him, and say in he's deep voice, 'Dere!' And then +down by a colour man, Louis he see into a ground, what seems all full +of treasure shining in a moonlight; here awful much gold and dollars, +and dere a gold and silver plate, and a t'other place full of di'monds +and jewels, bright as stars in a night sky. Grach! I tink he won'er, +and b'lieve he rile a little that a almanack-maker so easy get a five +hundred dollars for Dortje Deypester. A domine stare into a cave as if +he's eyes eat up all he look at; but at last he get up and say, 'I gree, +and dere my hand on a bargain; I take care all instead of you, and much +more as you can show me.' So he fill he's pouches, and then go away to +ole Deypester for a horses and bags to bring away a rest, dough he often +turn a head to look back at a treasure. He hardly gone when a strange +colour man call out to Louis in he's deep voice, 'This a dark night for +a sad heart to journey in.' Louis turn he round directly, and see him +close beside, berry tall and genteel, such a bootiful gentleum! dough +he no make out he's face for a clouds over a moon. He little feared +and won'ered at first, but soon he got up he's pluck and say, 'I guess +it dark enough, but how you know my heart sad?' T' other answer him +smart, 'That want no wizard, when he hear a sighs like yours. But he +know little more yet: he reckon you want a five hundred dollars afore +to-morrow, or lose your sweetheart, which a true shame for ac_tive_ +springy lad like you: a pirates' treasure dere, hab a ten thousand times +as much, as he know by a watching it these twenty years.'--'In a God's +name!' say Louis then, 'who are you,--and who set you there?'--'One +of a last of a Spanish buccaneers' say the other; 'that berry Captain +Hornigold, what make love to Dortje Deypester. He take a ship, and kill +all on board but me and young child, that I slave to; then he bring us +bote to a shore, where he hide all his plunder, and stab us, and tell a +ghosts to watch it. A young child he live, and found on a river bank, +and so called by it name--Louis Hudson, it yourself!--but I die, and +wan'er about a treasure-grave till a captain come back, or another take +my place, or a right owner come for his own. All that happen to-night, +and I soon at liberty for ever!--You hear a money-digger say he look +to a pirates' spoil hereafter, and be sure he never quit a creek +again, dough he never find a gold any more. This treasure here, belong +to a father, who killed in ship; it now all your own; take him, but +take a nothing more;--use him well, and you be fifty times so rich as +Deypester, and hab a blessing beside.--Hark! a bell strike twelve!--my +time most up now, and dere come a captain!" + +"Ivory, you 'tarnal tonguey imp!" again interrupted the American, "doos +you mean to keep on all night about that precious wordy black preaching +in the creek? Now I'll show you how to finish it all right slick away at +once, I will.--You see, then, the captain comes trampoosing up from the +river with a spade and a lanthorn, to dig for the treasure; and, as soon +as he gets in, he cries out, 'Plunder and prize-money! this is a desp'ut +ugly awful dark berth.--Is there anybody on watch, I wonder?' Upon which +that dreadful big black comes up and says, 'Yes, I calkilate I'm awake +here; and now, as I've kept the treasures of the bold buccaneers till +you've come back, if you admire we'll go off together.'--'Bear a smart +hand, then, with the plunder into the boat below, afore the tide falls,' +says Hornigold. 'Clouds and midnight! how dark it is, and the gale blows +stiffer than ever!--Seas and billows! why, the tide's coming up the +creek ten fathom strong!'--That's all as was ever heard of the captain +or the nigger, I guess; for what between the water as come roaring up, +and the rain as came pouring down, they were carried off to sea with all +their plunder, and nobody never saw or heard of them sarpents again!" + +"A most astonishing and mysterious providence, truly," said Downwithit, +"and worthy of being recorded with the narratives of Baxter, Reynolds, +Janeway, and Mather.--But what became of the others?" + +"Why," said Mr. Pokehorn, "as for Louis, he turned out to be some awful +great man or other, and considerable rich. He showed ould Deypester +a thousand dollars next morning, and married Dortje afore night. But +Keekenkettel went mad outright, because he couldn't never fix the +treasure again, and found that he'd filled his pouches with shells and +stones, as looked mighty like dollars and doubloons in the moonshine. +Folk say he was only dreaming, and that there never warn't no such +treasure for him to find; though they guessed that young Hudson got his +money by the storm having washed it up out of the ground. But it's a +true fact, it is, that the domine always arter, kept camfoozling about +the Pirates' Plunder Creek as long as he lived, as he bargained to do; +and whenever there's a mighty smart storm in the night, with a blink of +moonlight, the say is that he's to be seen there still." + + + + + THE SPECTRE. + + It was a wild and gloomy dream: to think upon it now, + My very blood is chill'd with fear; and o'er my aching brow + Cold clammy drops are stealing down, I tremble like a child + Who listens to a story of the wonderful and wild! + And well a stouter heart than mine might quake with dread, I ween;-- + But who hath ever gazed, like me, on such a fearful scene! + + * * * * * + + Sleep dropp'd upon my wearied eyes, and down I sank to rest; + But no refreshing slumbers upon my senses press'd; + Ten thousand lights before my eyes were dancing,--blue and red; + Ten thousand hollow voices cried--I knew not what they said. + My brain wheel'd round--faint grew my limbs--I cried and + scream'd in vain; + It seem'd as though some cursed imp had bound me with his chain! + My tongue clave to the parched roof,--a raging thirst was mine, + As I had drunk for months and months, nought else but saltest brine; + Thirst such as parched pilgrims feel who range the desert wide, + Or those who lie 'neath scorching skies upon a calmed tide. + My temples throbb'd as they would burst; and, raging through my brain, + The boiling blood rush'd furiously with sound like a hurricane! + I rav'd and foam'd; my eyeballs strain'd, as though the nerves + would burst, + As by my side appear'd a form--a demon form accurst! + And suddenly another came--another and yet more, + All clad in dark habiliments;--a dozen--ay, a score! + On me they leer'd with savage joy, and seized me, every one, + And round and round about me went.--Oh! how my senses spun! + I thought the leader of that band of sprites must surely be + The Evil One, and I his prey. I vainly strove to flee: + I tried to pray,--my tongue was dumb;--then down upon the ground + I sank, and felt my every limb with fiery fetters bound. + I know not now, how long I lay; my senses all were gone, + And I with those infernal ones was left alone, alone. + At length I started with affright, and felt, or seemed to feel, + The blasts of hot sulphureous air across my forehead steal. + A horrid thought, as on we mov'd, upon my senses burst, + That they were bearing me away unto the place accurst. + Oh! language vainly strives to paint the horrors of that ride! + Two demons at my head and feet, and two on either side. + The stars above were bloody red--each one seem'd doubly bright, + And spectral faces glar'd in mine, with looks of grim delight. + Still slowly, slowly on we mov'd, that ghastly troop and I: + I questioned, where?--a fiendish laugh was only their reply. + On, onward I was borne. At last they stay'd, and in my face + A hideous visage peer'd on me with horrible grimace: + Then down they threw me (still unbound) upon a bed of stone, + And one by one they vanished, and I was left alone! + + * * * * * + + How long I lay, I may not say. At length I saw a form + Beside me, and upon his brow there seem'd a gathering storm. + "Where am I?" loud I scream'd, and paus'd. Again I rav'd, and cried, + "And who art thou, thou evil one! who standest at my side? + What spectre art thou?" "Come," said he, + "young feller, hold your peace; + You're on the stretcher now, and I'm the _'spector_ of police!" + + + + + AUTHORS AND ACTORS; OR, ENGAGING A COMPANY. + _A Dramatic Sketch._ + +_Scene--The Manager's Room. The Manager discovered._ + +_Manager._--Well! my theatre is built at last, and I have now only to +think about opening it. My walls are so dry that they cannot throw a +damp upon my prospects. My stage is all ready for starting; and every +one, I am happy to say, seems inclined to take the box-seat. Everything +now must go as smooth as a railroad. I have always heard that a manager +must lead a devil of a life; but I am in hopes I shall be an exception +to the rule, and that management to me will be a delightful pastime. + +_Fitz-Growl_ (_without_).--But I must see him. + +_Manager._--Who the deuce can this be? + + (_Enter a Servant._) + +_Servant._--If you please, sir, here's a person wants to speak to you. + +_Manager._--I'm busy about the opening of the theatre; tell him you +can't get near me. + +_Servant._--But he says he's an author, sir, and has called about his +piece. + +_Manager._--His piece! why, these authors let me have no peace at all. + +_Servant._--He would come up, sir, though I told him you wouldn't suffer +any one behind the scenes. + +_Manager._--And particularly an author; for he makes people suffer +enough before them. + +_Servant._--Here he is, sir; he would force his way up. + + (_Exit Servant. Enter Fitz-Growl._) + +_Manager._--My servant says you would force your way up. + +_Fitz-Growl._--And isn't it natural an author should wish to do so? + +_Manager._--Well; but, sir, it is not usual in theatres for the manager +to see any one. + +_Fitz-Growl._--Not usual to see any one! It must be a very poor look-out. + +_Manager._--Well, sir, as you are here, may I ask your business? + +_Fitz-Growl._--Why, being anxious for the success of your theatre, I +sent you three of my pieces to begin with. Now, sir, I've had no answer. + +_Manager._--My dear sir, we cannot answer everybody. Theatres never +answer in these times. However, your pieces shall be looked out. You can +believe in my assurance. + +_Fitz-Growl._--Certainly; a manager ought to have assurance enough for +anything. But I tell you, sir, if you want to succeed, you must open +with my piece. + +_Manager._--What is the nature of it? + +_Fitz-Growl._--Nature! The beauty of my piece is, that there's no nature +at all in it; it's beautifully unnatural. + +_Manager._--Indeed! I hope there is some spirit in the dialogue? + +_Fitz-Growl._--Some spirit, sir! there is a ghost in it. + +_Manager._--A ghost, my dear sir! that won't do for my theatre; my +audience would have too much sense for a thing of that kind. + +_Fitz-Growl._--Then you'll never do any good, sir; but, may I ask what +sort of pieces you intend producing? + +_Manager._--Variety and novelty, sir, will be my aim. + +_Fitz-Growl._--Novelty! then my piece is the very thing. I sink the +whole stage. + +_Manager._--Thank you; but I'd rather leave the task of sinking the +stage to others; my aim shall be to raise it. + +_Fitz-Growl._--My dear sir, you know nothing of effect; if you could +only cover the stage with people, and then let them all down at once, it +would be terrific! + +_Manager._--My dear sir, I don't want to cover my stage with people, and +then let them down; I'd sooner hold my performers up than see them let +down. + +_Fitz-Growl._--That's very fine talking; but you must get the money, and +I can assure you mine are the only pieces to do it. + +_Manager._--Indeed, sir; then I'm too generous to my fellow-managers to +think of monopolising the only author whose pieces will draw. + + (_Enter Servant._) + +_Servant._--A gentleman named Scowl is below. + +_Manager._--Oh! the gentleman I was to see respecting an engagement. Beg +him to walk up. (_Exit Servant._) + +_Fitz-Growl._--Ah! he's an old friend of mine. He plays the devil in all +my pieces. + +_Manager._--Plays the devil, does he? + +_Fitz-Growl._--My best friend, sir; he has made the character I allude +to his own. + +_Manager._--It is to be hoped, for his sake, that the character you +allude to will not return the compliment. + + (_Enter Scowl._) + +_Fitz-Growl._--Ah! my dear Scowl, how are you? + +_Scowl._--So, so; I swallowed a quantity of the smoke last night in your +new piece. + +_Manager._--Did the audience swallow it too? + +_Scowl._--Sir? + +_Manager._--I beg your pardon, sir; I believe you wish to lead the +business at my theatre? + +_Fitz-Growl._--He's the very man for it. + +_Manager._--What is your line, sir? + +_Scowl._--Why, I don't mind the heavy business; but I prefer the demons, +or the singing scoundrels. + +_Manager._--But I don't think I shall do that sort of thing. + +_Scowl._--More fool you. If you want your theatre to pay, you must stick +to the melodrama: the people are sure to come if you can only frighten +them away. + +_Fitz-Growl._--Yes, I find it so with my pieces; they draw the same +people over and over again, because they are forced to come several +times before they can venture to sit them out. + +_Manager._--But I sha'n't aim at that. + +_Scowl._--More fool you. But if I can be of any service to you in the +combat way,--I can fight with a sword in each hand, a dagger in my +mouth, and a bayonet in my eye. What do you think of that? + +_Manager._--Astonishing! + +_Scowl._--My friend Mr. Fitz-Growl has written me an excellent new part. + +_Manager._--What's that about? + +_Fitz-Growl._--Oh! nothing particular. I write down a few horrors, make +a list of the murders, and my friend Scowl knows what to be up to. + +_Manager._--Really, gentlemen, I don't see that we can come to terms. + +_Fitz-Growl._--Don't see!--what! you don't want my pieces? + +_Scowl._--Nor my acting? + +_Manager._--Neither, gentlemen, I thank you. + +_Fitz-Growl._--Then I'll go home and write a melodrama, called the +"_Doomed Manager_," and you shall be the hero. + +_Manager._--Thank you. + +_Scowl._--And I'll play the part. + +_Manager._--What! you represent me? That's too cruel. But I must wish +you good morning. + +_Scowl._--Farewell! remember me! + +_Fitz-Growl._--And me too. I say, sir, remember me! + + (_Exeunt Scowl and Fitz-Growl with melodramatic eye-rollings._) + +_Manager._--Well, I hope all the applications won't be like this, or I +shall never get a company. + + (_Enter a Bill-sticker._) + +_Manager._--Well, my good fellow, who are you? + +_Bill-sticker._--Why, I'm one of your best friends; I'm the +bill-sticker. Nobody sticks up for you like I do. + +_Manager._--Well, but what do you want? + +_Bill-sticker._--Why, sir, I'm sorry to say that as fast as I put your +bills up, somebody else comes and pulls them down. + +_Manager._--How is that? + +_Bill-sticker._--I don't know, sir. It's werry ungentlemanly, whoever +does it. The fact is, sir, your bills meet with as much opposition as +bills in Parliament; and I'm sure I don't know why, unless it is that +they are what we call money-bills. + +_Manager._--Perhaps they are too large, and occupy too much space: you +know the printing is very large, the type is bold, and the capitals are +immense. + +_Bill-sticker._--That's it, sir. It's the immense capital; it's such a +novelty in theatres that they're all afraid of it. Shall I pull down +their bills, sir? + +_Manager._--Certainly not. I will never sanction those whom I employ in +unworthily attempting to hurt the interests of others. My theatre is for +the amusement of all, and the employment of many; but the injury of none. + +_Bill-sticker._--Oh! if that's your motto, everybody ought to stick up +for you; and I'm sure I will for one. + +_Manager._--Thank you, friend, for the promise of your influence. + +_Bill-sticker._--And it's no mean influence, either; for, though only +one poor fellow, I carry more bills in a day than the House of Commons +carries in a whole session. + + (_Exit Bill-sticker._) + +_Manager._--Well! management does not seem so smooth, after all: one +meets with vexations now and then, I fear. Oh! who comes now? + + (_Enter Queershanks._) + +_Manager._--Your pleasure, sir? + +_Queershanks._--My name is Queershanks. You have built a theatre, have +you not? + +_Manager._--I have, sir. + +_Queershanks._--Very good: then you will want a model. + +_Manager._--A model after it is built? + +_Queershanks._--Certainly: but not a model of a theatre; a model of a +man. + +_Manager._--What for, sir? + +_Queershanks._--Why, sir, you will want occasionally to give +representations of statues. I am an excellent hand at it. + +_Manager._--But, sir, my theatre is dedicated to Apollo. + +_Queershanks._--The very thing, sir: I have stood as the model of the +Apollo Belvedere to the cleverest artists. + +_Manager._--They must have been clever artists to make an Apollo +Belvedere with you for their model; but I cannot entertain your +engagement in that shape. + +_Queershanks._--Not engage me in that shape! My shape is +unexceptionable. Only look at this muscle. Here's muscle for Hercules, +sir! Feel it, sir; will you be so good? + +_Manager._--I see it. + +_Queershanks._--No,--but feel it. + +_Manager._--Quite unnecessary, sir. I don't think what you could do +would suit our audience. + +_Queershanks._--Do you mean to say, sir, I should do you no good? Look +at this muscle, sir. Would not muscle like that make a tremendous hit? +(_Striking him._) + +_Manager._--Sir, I'm quite satisfied. + +_Queershanks._--Satisfied, sir! so you ought to be: I've got the nose of +Mars, sir. + +_Manager._--My dear sir, what is it to the public if you've got Mars' +nose and Pa's chin. + +_Queershanks._--I mean the classical Mars,--not my mother, you silly +fellow. Then I've got the eye of a Cyclop, and the whiskers of +Virginius. As yours is to be a classical theatre, will you give me a +trial? + +_Manager._--What can you do? + +_Queershanks._--I'm very good in the ancient statues, only I've made +them modern to suit the time. You know the "_African alarmed +by thunder_?" + +_Manager._--Yes: a fine subject. + +_Queershanks._--I've modernised it into the "_Black footman frightened +by an omnibus_:" this is it. (_Music; he does it._) + +_Manager._--Very good! What else have you? Can you give me "_Ajax +defying the lightning_?" + +_Queershanks._--I have modernised it into the "_Little boy defying the +beadle_." (_Music; he does it._) + +_Manager._--Capital! Have you any more? + +_Queershanks._--One more. You've seen the "_Dying Gladiator_?" I think +my "_Prize-fighter unable to come up to time_" beats it all to nothing. + (_Music; he does it._) + +_Queershanks._--That's something like sculpture, isn't it? + +_Manager._--Yes; but it won't do in my theatre. + +_Queershanks._--Won't do, sir! what do you mean? + +_Manager._--Why, I think the audience I wish to attract will like +something better than dumb show. Good morning! + +_Queershanks._--I'm gone, sir; but remember you've lost me. I tell you, +sir, that my statues would have made your season; but I leave you, sir, +with contempt (_striking an attitude_). Do you know that, sir? It's the +celebrated statue of Napoleon turning with contempt from the shores of +Elba, which, as you know, he left because he wanted more _elbow_ room. +(_Exit Queershanks with an attitude._) + +_Manager._--Well; each person that applies for an engagement seems to +think he is the man to make my fortune for me, and gets quite angry that +I won't let him have an opportunity of doing so; but I begin to see I +must think for myself. + + (_Enter Servant._) + +_Servant._--A lady and two children wish to see you, sir. + +_Manager._--Show them in. (_Exit Servant._) Some new candidates, I +suppose: here they come. Ladies! they are the first that have done me +the honour to apply to me. + + (_Enter Mrs. Fiddler, Miss F. and Master F._) + +_Manager._--Your pleasure, madam? + +_Mrs. F._--My name is Fiddler, sir; did you ever hear of me? I've got +a friend, a supernumerary at Astley's who has great influence in the +theatrical world; he promised to speak to you; has he done so? + +_Manager._--Really, madam, I do not remember to have had an interview +with any such person. + +_Mrs. F._--Indeed! that's strange: but I suppose you've heard of the +clever Fiddlers? + +_Manager._--You mean Paganini, perhaps, and De Beriot? + +_Mrs. F._--No, indeed, I don't; I mean my clever children here, Master +and Miss Fiddler. + +_Manager._--Indeed, madam; I'm happy to make their acquaintance. + +_Mrs. F._--And so you ought to be, sir. Come here, Julietta: this young +lady, sir, has got _such_ a voice! It goes upon the high _C's_ as safe +as an East-Indiaman. I want you to engage her. + +_Manager._--I should like to hear her sing, before I thought of engaging +her; she might fail. + +_Mrs. F._--And if she did, sir,--if the public were so unjust,--how +great would be the consolation to you to know that you partially +repaired the injury by paying the dear child a salary! + +_Manager._--I am afraid, madam, I could not proceed on that plan. + +_Mrs. F._--You will excuse my saying, sir, that you have strange notions +of liberality; but you shall hear her sing. Come, my dear, let's have +the _Baccy-role_; it's beautiful in your mouth, my dear. + +_Manager._--(_Aside._) Baccy-role, indeed! (_Aloud._) Let's hear you, my +dear. (_Miss F. looks stupid and does not sing a note. Mrs. F. moving +her hands and arms, sing for her very badly, a bit of the Barcarole from +Musaniello._) + +_Mrs. F._--You see, sir, that's what the dear child means; though she +can't do it before you, she is so nervous. But all that will wear off +when she gets before the audience. + +_Manager._--It's to be hoped so, but what can the young gentleman do? + +_Mrs. F._--What can he do! anything--he's a dancer; his pirouettes are +tremendous: only look here! (_She turns him round and round till he +falls down giddy._) See! he spins like a top; in fact he'll soon be the +top of his profession. + +_Manager._--Why, bless the boy! you don't call that dancing, do you? + +_Mrs. F._--Of course: the dear boy has over-exerted himself, that's all; +but he'll soon come round. + +_Manager._--Why, he has come round too much; but I can't engage him. + +_Mrs. F._--Then, sir, let me tell you, you'll never do. (_Exeunt Mrs. F. +Master F. and Miss F._) + +_Manager._--Why, that's what everybody tells me. Here, Tom! don't let +me be annoyed by any one else. I find there's no small difficulty in +exercising one's own discretion in these matters. I may do much to +improve the race both of authors and actors, if I think and judge for +myself; but to render my efforts of any avail, the public must do so +too. And when will they begin to do it? + + (_Curtain falls._) + + + + + A CRITICAL GOSSIP WITH LADY MARY WORTLEY MONTAGU. + +The character of Lady Mary Wortley Montagu is about as little known to +the generality of readers as the source of the Nile, or the precise +position of the North Pole. She has taken her place in public estimation +as a forward, witty, voluptuous woman of fashion, who flirted, if she +did not intrigue, with Pope; who was initiated into all the mysteries +of a Turkish harem, and who chronicled those mysteries with no very +delicate hand:--who affected friendships, lampooned her associates, and +wrote verses of _single-entendre_; who married rashly, loved unwisely, +and led a life of ultra-friendship and long unexplained divorce. Such +is Lady Mary Wortley Montagu supposed to be! so prone is biography to +perpetuate the fleeting scandals of the day, to distort mystery or +obscurity into indecorum or baseness, and to darken and discolour the +stream of time with the filth that is vulgarly and maliciously thrown +into it at its source. The period appears to have arrived at which Lady +Mary's character has obtained the power of purifying itself. With many +faults, constitutional as well as acquired, there can be no doubt that +she was a lady of surpassing powers of mind, of extreme wit, an easy +command of her own as well as of the learned languages, a surprising +knowledge of the world even in her youth, a vivid poetical imagination, +a heart full of foibles, but fuller of love for her _own_ circle, and +that of her friends; and, above all, an abundance of common sense, which +regulated her affections, her actions, her reflections, and her style, +so as to render her the most accomplished lady of her own, or of the +subsequent age. We do not think we can do justice to this fascinating +creature in a better way than by lounging through the three volumes +which Lord Wharncliffe's ancestral love, literary ability, and elegant +taste, have given to the world. We may gossip with this work as we +might with her who originated it, stroll with her in her favourite +gardens, listen to her verses, catch her agreeable anecdotes, receive +her valuable observations on human nature, as though she were actually +before us in her splendid and _eternal_ nightgown, or in her Turkish +dress, (so sweet in Lord Harrington's charming miniature) or in her +domino at Venice, or in her lute-string, or in her English court-dress. +Our gossip, however,--save as to the remarks we may, to use the phrase +of the dramatist, utter aside to that vast pit, the public,--will very +much resemble that between Macbeth and the armed head, at which the +witches give their admonitory caution. That caution will not be lost +upon us--for it will nearly be,-- + + "Hear _her_ speak, and say thou nought." + +The introduction to this interesting work is from the editor, and it is +written with a Walpole felicity in its points, though we would rather +have had it more continuous than anecdotical. Our purpose we have +professed to be, to gossip with Lady Mary, and we therefore shall make +but two extracts from the introduction,--the one because it is _perhaps_ +leaning to the unfeeling; the other, because it is indisputably the +truth of feeling. Madame de Sevigné did not deserve the phrase which we +have marked in italics in the following passage, and indeed Lady Mary, +in one of her letters, announces herself as a successful rival of this +very agreeable French letter-writer,--an announcement which ought to +have cautioned an editor against depreciating the powers of one whom the +edited had chosen to select as a rival. + +"The modern world will smile, but should however beware of too hastily +despising works that charmed Lady Mary Wortley in her youth, and were +courageously defended by Madame de Sevigné even when hers was past, and +they began to be sliding out of fashion. She, it seems, thought with the +_old woman_ just now mentioned, that they had a tendency to elevate the +mind, and to instil honourable and generous sentiments. At any rate they +must have fostered application and perseverance, by accustoming their +readers to what the French term _des ouvrages de longue haleine_. After +resolutely mastering Clelia, nobody could pretend to quail at the aspect +of Mezeray, or even at that of Holinshed's Chronicle printed in black +letter. Clarendon, Burnet, and Rapin, had not yet issued into daylight." + +With the foregoing extract (and all critics should get rid of their bile +as quickly as they can) all that is unpleasant is at rest. Let us give +the following feeling, beautiful anecdote. + +"The name of another young friend will excite more attention--Mrs. Anne +Wortley. _Mrs._ Anne has a most mature sound to our modern ears; but, +in the phraseology of those days, _Miss_, which had hardly yet ceased +to be a term of reproach, still denoted childishness, flippancy, or +some other contemptible quality, and was rarely applied to young ladies +of a respectable class. In Steele's Guardian, the youngest of Nestor +Ironside's wards, aged fifteen, is Mrs. Mary Lizard. Nay, Lady Bute +herself could remember having been styled Mrs. Wortley, when a child, +by two or three elderly visitors, as tenacious of their ancient modes +of speech as of other old fashions. Mrs. Anne, then, was the second +daughter of Mr. Sidney[20] Wortley Montagu, and the favourite sister of +his son Edward. She died in the bloom of youth, unmarried. Lady Mary, +in common with others who had known her, represented her as eminently +pretty and agreeable; and her brother so cherished her memory, that, +in after times, his little girl knew it to be the highest mark of his +favour, when, pointing at herself, he said to her mother, "Don't you +think she grows like my poor sister Anne?" + +[20] Second son of Admiral Montagu, first Earl of Sandwich. Upon +marrying the daughter and heiress of Sir Francis Wortley, he was obliged +by the tenour of Sir Francis's will to assume his name. + +Lady Mary had Lord Byron's fate. She wrote a journal of her life; she +became the historian of her own genius, her youthful love, and her young +trials. It chanced to be her fate, that the one into whose hands her +manuscript fell, considered it her duty (wisely and affectionately, +or not, is immaterial for our purposes) to doom it to be a work of +destruction. It is hard for genius that it cannot find an executor who +regards the future in preference to the present; who cannot absolve +himself from immediate ties, living incumbrances, pressing prejudices, +conceived personalities,--to yield immortality its due!--who, in fact, +in the blindness of temporary fears and temporary associations, classes +that which he holds, erringly as that of the age,--which should be, and +in its spirit was destined to be, "for all time." We have mentioned two +immortal names; and before we pass into the three volumes, we cannot +help endeavouring to connect them in the minds of our readers, as they +are by their spirit connected in ours. Lord Byron was a moody, fiery, +brooding child,--full of passion, obstinacy, and irregularity, in his +teens;--Lady Mary was a single-thinking, classical, daring, inspired +girl long under one-and-twenty. Lord Byron at a plunge formed his own +spreading circles on the glittering still-life lake of fashionable +society: Lady Mary with her beauty and her genius effected the same +result by the same impetuosity. Lady Mary made, as it would appear, +a cold unsatisfactory marriage, but, it must be admitted, with one +possessed of a patience untainted by genius:--Lord Byron iced himself +into the connubial state, but shuddered at its coldness. The press, and +the poets, and the prosers united with serene ferocity against both. +Both, alas! were + + "Souls made of fire and children of the sun, + With whom revenge was virtue!" + +Their revenge was mutual-minded. Misunderstood, calumniated, they +quitted the land which was not worthy of them. Genius-borne, they both +passed to the east; and to them we owe the most sensible,--the most +passioned,--the most voluptuous,--and the most inspired pictures of +"the land of the citron and myrtle," that have ever waked the wish and +melted the heart of us southron readers. A mysterious divorcement from +the marital partner marked the absence--the long last absence--of each! +Mind-banished,--person-expatriated,--they vented upon their country +that revenge of which injured genius can alone be capable. And looking +at the calumnies upon the one, and the female animosities towards the +other,--regarding the banishment of mental beauty and magic power in +both,--we cannot better convey to our readers the revenge which genius +gave, and must ever give, than by making a common cause of the two, and +explaining it in the inimitable lines of the one. + + "And if my voice break forth, 'tis not that now + I shrink from what is suffered; let him speak + Who hath beheld decline upon my brow, + Or seen my mind's convulsion leave it weak + But in this page a record will I seek. + + Not in the air shall these my words disperse, + Tho' I be ashes; a far hour shall wreak + The deep prophetic fullness of this verse, + And pile on human heads the mountain of my curse. + That curse shall be _forgiveness_!"-- + +This is indeed the inspiration of forgiveness. We feel an awe after +reading this humane and lofty imprecation, which calls for a pause. +There is the same feeling upon us from which we cannot escape, as +that to which we are subject when we wander under the arched roof and +sculptured aisles,--in the breathing, breathless, cathedral silence,--in +the awful stone repose,--in the contemplation of + + "The uplifted palms, the silent marble lips!" + +The similarity between the genius of Byron and that of Lady Mary, and +their fates,--except as to the death and duration of life of the two, +(the one dying at the age of thirty-seven, and the other at the age of +seventy-three,--a sad and strange reverse figures!)--are singularly +interesting and affecting. The one,--sexually to distinguish them,--was +_Rousseau_ with a heart,--the other _De Staël_ with one.--But we grow +serious, critical, and minute. We are not certain that we are not +growing anatomical. We shall therefore enter upon our _conversazione_ +with our charming, high-born, easy caftan,--Minerva,--Lady Mary Wortley +Montagu! + +We pass silently over her biography, and at once commence with the +unmarried _Lady Mary Pierrepont_ and the married Montagu! What can be +livelier than the following York picture. It is _Hogarthian_!--and let +it not be forgotten that the lady was only twenty, and unwedded. + + + "TO MRS. WORTLEY. "1710. + "I RETURN you a thousand thanks, + my dear, for so agreeable an entertainment as your + letter in our cold climate, where the sun appears + unwillingly--Wit is as wonderfully pleasing as a + sun-shiny day; and, to speak poetically, Phoebus + is very sparing of all his favours. I fancied your + letter an emblem of yourself: in some parts I found the + softness of your voice, and in others the vivacity of + your eyes: you are to expect no return but humble and + hearty thanks, yet I can't forbear entertaining you + with our York lovers. (Strange monsters you'll think, + love being as much forced up here as melons.) In the + first form of these creatures, is even Mr. Vanbrug. + Heaven, no doubt, compassionating our dulness, has + inspired him with a passion that make us all ready to + die with laughing: 'tis credibly reported that he is + endeavouring at the honourable state of matrimony, + and vows to lead a sinful life no more. Whether pure + holiness inspires the mind, or dotage turns his + brain, is hard to find. 'Tis certain he keeps Monday + and Thursday market (_assembly_ day) constantly; and + for those that don't regard worldly muck, there's + extraordinary good choice indeed. I believe last Monday + there were two hundred pieces of woman's flesh (fat + and lean): but you know Van's taste was always odd: + his inclination to ruins has given him a fancy for + Mrs. Yarborough: he sighs and ogles so, that it would + do your heart good to see him; and she is not a little + pleased in so small a proportion of men amongst such a + number of women, that a whole man should fall to her + share. My dear, adieu, My service to Mr. Congreve. + "M. P." + +There is a charming poem by Lady Mary, which is singularly supported +by her letters. It certainly acknowledges a love of pleasure which +is not "quite correct;" but it is so unaffected,--so melodious,--so +heartfelt,--so confiding,--that we could read it, and read it, "for ever +and a day!" + + + + + "THE LOVER: A BALLAD. + "TO MR. CONGREVE. + + "At length, by so much importunity press'd, + Take, Congreve, at once the inside of my breast. + This stupid indiff'rence so often you blame, + Is not owing to nature, to fear, or to shame: + I am not as cold as a virgin in lead, + Nor are Sunday's sermons so strong in my head: + I know but too well how time flies along, + That we live but few years, and yet fewer are young. + + But I hate to be cheated, and never will buy + Long years of repentance for moments of joy. + Oh! was there a man (but where shall I find + Good sense and good nature so equally join'd?) + Would value his pleasure, contribute to mine; + Not meanly would boast, nor lewdly design; + Not over severe, yet not stupidly vain, + For I would have the power, though not give the pain. + + No pedant, yet learned; no rake-helly gay, + Or laughing, because he has nothing to say; + To all my whole sex obliging and free, + Yet never be fond of any but me; + In public preserve the decorum that's just, + And shew in his eyes he is true to his trust! + Then rarely approach, and respectfully bow, + But not fulsomely pert, nor yet foppishly low. + + But when the long hours of public are past, + And we meet with champaign and a chicken at last, + May every fond pleasure that moment endear; + Be banish'd afar both discretion and fear! + Forgetting or scorning the airs of the crowd, + He may cease to be formal, and I to be proud, + Till lost in the joy, we confess that we live, + And he may be rude, and yet I may forgive. + + And that my delight may be solidly fix'd, + Let the friend and the lover be handsomely mix'd; + In whose tender bosom my soul may confide, + Whose kindness can soothe me, whose counsel can guide. + From such a dear lover as hero I describe, + No danger should fright me, no millions should bribe; + But till this astonishing creature I know, + As I long have liv'd chaste, I will keep myself so. + + I never will share with the wanton coquette, + Or be caught by a vain affectation of wit. + The toasters and songsters may try all their art, + But never shall enter the pass of my heart. + I loathe the lewd rake, the dress'd fopling despise: + Before such pursuers the nice virgin flies; + And as Ovid has sweetly in parable told, + We harden like trees, and like rivers grow cold." + +This delightful epistle to Congreve appears to have been written +at the time she resided at Twickenham,--lured there by the quiet +and loveliness of that classic spot, and the fascination of Pope's +society. The following letter would seem to confirm the sincerity of +these racy verses;--and the presence of "Doctor Swift and Johnny Gay," +--ballad-writing too,--must have had some influence over the pen of the +poetess. + + + "TO THE COUNTESS OF MAR. + "Twickenham, 17--. + "DEAR SISTER,--I WAS very glad + to hear from you, though there was something in your + letters very monstrous and shocking. I wonder with + what conscience you can talk to me of your being an + old woman; I beg I may hear no more on't. For my part + I pretend to be as young as ever, and really am as + young as needs to be, to all intents and purposes. I + attribute all this to your living so long at Chatton, + and fancy a week at Paris will correct such wild + imaginations, and set things in a better light. My cure + for lowness of spirits is not drinking nasty water, but + galloping all day, _and a moderate glass of champaign + at night in good company_; and I believe this regimen, + closely followed, is one of the most wholesome that + can be prescribed, and may save one a world of filthy + doses, and more filthy doctor's fees at the year's + end. I rode to Twickenham last night, and, after so + long a stay in town, am not sorry to find myself in + my garden; our neighbourhood is something improved by + the removal of some old maids, and the arrival of some + fine gentlemen, amongst whom are Lord Middleton and + Sir J. Gifford, who are, perhaps, your acquaintances: + they live with their aunt, Lady Westmoreland, and we + endeavour to make the country agreeable to one another. + + "Doctor Swift and Johnny Gay are at Pope's, + and their conjunction has produced a ballad,[21] which, + if nobody else has sent you, I will, being never better + pleased than when I am endeavouring to amuse my dear + sister, and ever yours, + "M. W. M." + +[21] Published in Swift's Works. + +What a picture we have of Mrs. Lowther! How the _Mall_ is revived with +its strollers of fashion and beauty! + + "I am yet in this wicked town, + but purpose to leave it as soon as the parliament + rises. Mrs. Murray and all her satellites have so + seldom fallen in my way, I can say little about them. + Your old friend Mrs. Lowther is still fair and young, + _and in pale pink every night in the parks_." + +To the name of Mrs. Lowther is appended the following note,--and we do +not know that we ever remember an anecdote, _in years_, better set off. + + "Mrs. Lowther was a respectable + woman, single, and, as it appears by the text, not + willing to own herself middle-aged. Another lady + happened to be sitting at breakfast with her when an + awkward country lad, new in her service, brought word + that 'there was one as begged to speak to her.'--'What + is his name?'--'Don't know.'--'What sort of person? + a gentleman?'--'Can't say rightly.'--'Go and ask him + his business.'--The fellow returned grinning. 'Why, + madam, he says as how--he says he is--'--'Well, what + does he say, fool?'--'He says he is one as dies for + your ladyship.'--'Dies for me! exclaimed the lady, the + more incensed from seeing her friend inclined to laugh + as well as her footman,--'was there ever such a piece + of insolence! Turn him out of my house this minute. + And hark ye, shut the door in his face.' The clown + obeyed; but going to work more roughly than John Bull + will ever admit of, produced a scuffle that disturbed + the neighbours and called in the constable. At last + the audacious lover, driven to explain himself, proved + nothing worse than an honest tradesman, a dyer, whom + her ladyship often employed to refresh her old gowns." + +Can the following _trifle_ of whipt fashion and satire be surpassed even +by the pointed and light pleasantries of Walpole? + + "Cavendish-square, 1727. "My + Lady Stafford[22] set out towards France this morning, + and has carried half the pleasures of my life along + with her; I am more stupid than I can describe, and + am as full of moral reflections as either Cambray or + Pascal. I think of nothing but the nothingness of the + good things of this world, the transitoriness of its + joys, the pungency of its sorrows, and many discoveries + that have been made these three thousand years, and + committed to print ever since the first erecting of + presses. I advise you, as the best thing you can do + that day, let it happen as it will, to visit Lady + Stafford: she has the goodness to carry with her a + true-born Englishwoman, who is neither good nor bad, + nor capable of being either; Lady Phil Prat by name, + of the Hamilton family, and who will be glad of your + acquaintance, and you can never be sorry for hers.[23] + + "Peace or war, cross or pile, makes all + the conversation; this town never was fuller, and, God + be praised, some people _brille_ in it who _brilled_ + twenty years ago. My cousin Buller is of that number, + who is just what she was in all respects when she + inhabited Bond-street. The sprouts of this age are + such green withered things, 'tis a great comfort to + us grown up people: I except my own daughter, who is + to be the ornament of the ensuing court. I beg you + will exact from Lady Stafford a particular of her + perfections, which would sound suspected from my hand; + at the same time I must do justice to a little twig + belonging to my sister Gower. Miss Jenny is like the + Duchess of Queensberry both in face and spirit. _A + propos_ of family affairs: I had almost forgot our + dear and amiable cousin Lady Denbigh, who has blazed + out all this winter; she has brought with her from + Paris cart-loads of riband, surprising fashion, and + of a complexion of the last edition, which naturally + attracts all the she and he fools in London; and + accordingly she is surrounded with a little court of + both, and keeps a Sunday assembly to shew she has + learned to play at cards on that day. Lady Frances + Fielding[24] is really the prettiest woman in town, and + has sense enough to make one's heart ache to see her + surrounded with such fools as her relations are. The + man in England that gives the greatest pleasure, and + the greatest pain, is a youth of royal blood, with all + his grandmother's beauty, wit and good qualities. In + short, he is Nell Gwin in person, with the sex altered, + and occasions such fracas amongst the ladies of + gallantry that it passes description. You'll stare to + hear of her Grace of Cleveland at the head of them.[25] + If I was poetical I would tell you-- + +[22] Claude Charlotte, daughter of Philibert, Count of Grammont (author +of the celebrated Memoirs), and "La Belle Hamilton," eldest daughter of +Sir George Hamilton, Bart. was married to Henry Stafford Howard, Earl of +Stafford, at St. Germain's-en-laye, 1694. + +[23] Lady Philippa Hamilton, daughter of James Earl of Abercorn, and +wife of Dr. Pratt, Dean of Downe. + +[24] Youngest daughter of Basil, fourth Earl of Denbigh; married to +Daniel, seventh Earl of Winchelsea; died Sept, 17, 1734. + +[25] Anne, daughter of Sir W. Pulteney of Misterton, in the county of +Stafford; remarried to Philip Southcote, Esq. Died in 1746. + + "The god of love, enrag'd to see + The nymph despise his flame, + At dice and cards misspend her nights, + And slight a nobler game; + + "For the neglect of offers past + And pride in days of yore, + He kindles up a fire at last, + That burns her at threescore. + + "A polish'd wile is smoothly spread + Where whilome wrinkles lay; + And, glowing with an artful red, + She ogles at the play. + + "Along the Mall she softly sails, + In white and silver drest; + Her neck expos'd to Eastern gales, + And jewels on her breast. + + "Her children banish'd, age forgot, + Lord Sidney is her care; + And, what is a much happier lot, + Has hopes to be her _heir_. + + "This is all true history, though + it is doggerel rhyme: in good earnest she has + turned Lady D---- and family out of doors to make room + for him, and there he lies like leaf-gold upon a pill; + there never was so violent and so indiscreet a passion. + Lady Stafford says nothing was ever like it, since + Phædra and Hippolitus.--'Lord ha' mercy upon us! See + what we may all come to!' + "M. W. M." + +Again--the following words are as colours taken from the pallet of a Sir +Joshua: + + "Cavendish-square, 1727. + + "I cannot deny, but that I was very well diverted on + the Coronation day. I saw the procession much at my + ease, in a house which I filled with my own company, + and then got into Westminster-hall without trouble, + where it was very entertaining to observe the variety + of airs that all meant the same thing. The business + of every walker there was to conceal vanity and + gain admiration. For these purposes some languished + and others strutted; but a visible satisfaction was + diffused over every countenance, as soon as the + coronet was clapped on the head. But she that drew the + greatest number of eyes, was indisputably Lady Orkney. + She exposed behind a mixture of fat and wrinkles; + and before, a very considerable protuberance which + preceded her. Add to this, the inimitable roll of her + eyes, and her grey hairs, which by good fortune stood + directly upright, and 'tis impossible to imagine a + more delightful spectacle. She had embellished all this + with considerable magnificence, which made her look as + big again as usual; and I should have thought her one + of the largest things of God's making if my Lady St. + J**n had not displayed all her charms in honour of the + day. The poor Duchess of M***se _crept along with a + dozen of black snakes playing round her face_, and my + Lady P***nd (who is fallen away since her dismission + from court) represented very finely an Egyptian mummy + embroidered over with hieroglyphics." + +Lady Mary read, and of course loved, the writings of Fielding. He was +related to her. She had in her service a Fanny at the time she read +Joseph Andrews, and thus she writes of her: + + "TO THE COUNTESS OF BUTE. + + "Venice, Oct. 1, N. S. 1748. "MY DEAR CHILD,--I have + at length received the box, with the books enclosed, + for which I give you many thanks, as they amused me + very much. I gave a very ridiculous proof of it, fitter + indeed for my grand-daughter than myself. I returned + from a party on horseback: and after having rode twenty + miles, part of it by moonshine, it was ten at night + when I found the box arrived. I could not deny myself + the pleasure of opening it; and falling upon Fielding's + works, was fool enough to sit up all night reading. + I think Joseph Andrews better than his Foundling. + I believe I was the more struck with it, having at + present a Fanny in my own house, not only by the name, + which happens to be the same, but the extraordinary + beauty, joined with an understanding yet more + extraordinary at her age, which is but few months past + sixteen: she is in the post of my chambermaid. I fancy + you will tax my discretion for taking a servant thus + qualified; but my woman, who is also my housekeeper, + was always teizing me with her having too much work, + and complaining of ill health, which determined me to + take her a deputy; and when I was at Louvere, where + I drank the waters, one of the most considerable + merchants there pressed me to take this daughter of + his: her mother has an uncommon good character, and + the girl has had a better education than is usual for + those of her rank; she writes a good hand, and has + been brought up to keep accounts, which she does to + great perfection; and had herself such a violent desire + to serve me, that I was persuaded to take her: I do + not yet repent it from any part of her behaviour. But + there has been no peace in the family ever since she + came into it; I might say the parish, all the women + in it having declared open war with her, and the men + endeavouring all treaties of a different sort: my own + woman puts herself at the head of the first party, and + her spleen is increased by having no reason for it. The + young creature is never stirring from my apartment, + always at her needle, and never complaining of any + thing. You will laugh at this tedious account of my + domestics (if you have patience to read it over), but I + have few other subjects to talk of." + +Nothing can be livelier or happier than the following agreeable outbreak +at Lady J. Wharton lavishing herself away upon one unworthy her. + + "Lady J. Wharton is to be married + to Mr. Holt, which I am sorry for;--to see a + young woman that I really think one of the agreeablest + girls upon earth so vilely misplaced--but where are + people matched!--I suppose we shall all come right in + Heaven; as in a country dance, the hands are strangely + given and taken, while they are in motion, at last all + meet their partners when the jig is done." + +The observations on Richardson are a little too harsh,--but the sobbing +over his works is a compliment which no criticism could dry up. + + "This Richardson is a strange + fellow. I heartily despise him, and eagerly read him, + nay, sob over his works, in a most scandalous manner. + The two first tomes of Clarissa touched me, as being + very resembling to my maiden days; and I find in the + pictures of Sir Thomas Grandison and his lady, what I + have heard of my mother, and seen of my father." + +Time having made us wiser than _the Wortley_, it is amusing to see her +guessing at and confounding authors and their works. + + "TO THE COUNTESS OF BUTE. + "Louvere, June 23, 1754. "MY DEAR CHILD,--I have + promised you some remarks on all the books I have + received. I believe you would easily forgive my not + keeping my word; however, I shall go on. The Rambler + is certainly a strong misnomer; he always plods in + the beaten road of his predecessors, following the + Spectator (with the same pace a pack-horse would do + a hunter) in the style that is proper to lengthen a + paper. These writers may, perhaps, be of service to the + public, which is saying a great deal in their favour. + There are numbers of both sexes who never read anything + but such productions, and cannot spare time, from + doing nothing, to go through a sixpenny pamphlet. Such + gentle readers may be improved by a moral hint, which, + though repeated over and over, from generation to + generation, they never heard in their lives. I should + be glad to know the name of this laborious author. H. + Fielding has given a true picture of himself and his + first wife, in the characters of Mr. and Mrs. Booth, + some compliments to his own figure excepted; and, I am + persuaded, several of the incidents he mentions are + real matters of fact. I wonder he does not perceive + Tom Jones and Mr. Booth are sorry scoundrels. All this + sort of books have the same fault, which I cannot + easily pardon, being very mischievous. They place a + merit in extravagant passions, and encourage young + people to hope for impossible events, to draw them out + of the misery they choose to plunge themselves into, + expecting legacies from unknown relations, and generous + benefactors to distressed virtue, as much out of nature + as fairy treasures. Fielding has really a fund of true + humour, and was to be pitied at his first entrance into + the world, having no choice, as he said himself, but to + be a hackney writer, or a hackney coachman. His genius + deserved a better fate: but I cannot help blaming + that continued indiscretion, to give it the softest + name, that has run through his life, and I am afraid + still remains. I guessed R. Random to be his, though + without his name. I cannot think Ferdinand Fathom + wrote by the same hand, it is every way so much below + it. Sally Fielding has mended her style in her last + volume of David Simple, which conveys a useful moral, + though she does not seem to have intended it: I mean, + shews the ill consequences of not providing against + casual losses, which happen to almost everybody. Mrs. + Orgueil's character is well drawn, and is frequently to + be met with. The Art of Tormenting, the Female Quixote, + and Sir C. Goodville, are all sale work. I suppose + they proceed from her pen, and I heartily pity her, + constrained by her circumstances to seek her bread by + a method, I do not doubt, she despises. Tell me who is + that accomplished countess she celebrates. I left no + such person in London; nor can I imagine who is meant + by the English Sappho mentioned in Betsy Thoughtless, + whose adventures, and those of Jemmy Jessamy, gave me + some amusement. I was better entertained by the valet, + who very fairly represents how you are bought and sold + by your servants. I am now so accustomed to another + manner of treatment, it would be difficult to me to + suffer them: his adventures have the uncommon merit + of ending in a surprising manner. The general want of + invention which reigns among our writers inclines me + to think it is not the natural growth of our island, + which has not sun enough to warm the imagination. The + press is loaded by the servile flock of imitators. + Lord Bolingbroke would have quoted Horace in this + place. Since I was born, no original has appeared + excepting Congreve, and Fielding, who would, I believe, + have approached nearer to his excellencies, if not + forced, by necessity, to publish without correction, + and throw many productions into the world, he would + have thrown into the fire, if meat could have been + got without money, or money without scribbling. The + greatest virtue, justice, and the most distinguishing + prerogative of mankind, writing, when duly executed, + do honour to human nature; but, when degenerated into + trades, are the most contemptible ways of getting + bread. I am sorry not to see any more of Peregrine + Pickle's performances; I wish you would tell me his + name!" + +An ancestor of Lord Moira was capable of making a nice distinction: + + "I cannot believe Sir John's + advancement is owing to his merit, tho' he certainly + deserves such a distinction; but I am persuaded the + present disposers of such dignitys are neither more + clear-sighted, or more disinterested than their + predecessors. Even since I knew the world, Irish + patents have been hung out to sale, like the laced + and embroidered coats in Monmouth-street, and bought + up by the same sort of people; I mean those who had + rather wear shabby finery than no finery at all; though + I don't suppose this was Sir John's case. That _good + creature_, (as the country saying is,) has not a bit + of pride about him. I dare swear he purchased his + title for the same reason he used to purchase pictures + in Italy; not because he wanted to buy, but because + somebody or other wanted to sell. He hardly ever opened + his mouth but to say 'What you please, sir;'--'Your + humble servant;' or some gentle expression to the same + effect. It is scarce credible that with this unlimited + complaisance he should draw a blow upon himself; yet + it so happened that one of his own countrymen was + brute enough to strike him. As it was done before many + witnesses, Lord Mansel heard of it; and thinking that + if poor Sir John took no notice of it, he would suffer + daily insults of the same kind, out of pure good nature + resolved to spirit him up, at least to some shew of + resentment, intending to make up the matter afterwards + in as honourable a manner as he could for the poor + patient. He represented to him very warmly that no + gentleman could take a box on the ear. Sir John + answered with great calmness, 'I know that, but this + was not a box on the ear, it was only a slap o' the + face.'" + +The following is a smart sketch--perhaps a little too piquant: + + "Next to the great ball, what + makes the most noise is the marriage of an old maid, + who lives in this street, without a portion, to a man + of 7,000_l._ _per annum_, and they say 40,000_l._ in + ready money. Her equipage and liveries outshine any + body's in town. He has presented her with 3,000_l._ + in jewels; and never was man more smitten with these + charms that had lain invisible for these forty years; + but, with all his glory, never bride had fewer enviers, + the dear beast of a man is so filthy, frightful, + odious, and detestable. I would turn away such a + footman for fear of spoiling my dinner, while he waited + at table. They were married on Friday, and came to + church _en parade_ on Sunday. I happened to sit in + the pew with them, and had the honour of seeing Mrs. + Bride fall fast asleep in the middle of the sermon, and + snore very comfortably; which made several women in the + church think the bridegroom not quite so ugly as they + did before. Envious people say 'twas all counterfeited + to please him, but I believe that to be scandal; for I + dare swear, nothing but downright necessity could make + her miss one word of the sermon. He professes to have + married her for her devotion, patience, meekness, and + other Christian virtues he observed in her: his first + wife (who has left no children) being very handsome, + and so good-natured as to have ventured her own + salvation to secure his. He has married this lady to + have a companion in that paradise where his first has + given him a title. I believe I have given you too much + of this couple; but they are not to be comprehended in + few words. + + "My dear Mrs. Hewet, remember me and + believe that nothing can put you out of my head." + +The noble dukes of the present day, and the learned members of the +faculty, are by no means of so sportive a turn as they were in the +goodly times of Mrs. Hewet. We confess we should like to have to get up +some fine morning to be in St. James's Park in time to see some such +elegant struggle between the Duke of Devonshire and Sir Henry Halford as +the following: + + "There is another story that I + had from a hand I dare depend upon. The Duke of Grafton + and Dr. Garth ran a foot-match in the Mall of 200 + yards, and the latter, to his immortal glory, beat." + +With a strong turn for building herself, Lady Mary makes some sensible +remarks on its folly in others. + + "Building is the general + weakness of old people; I have had a twitch of it + myself, though certainly it is the highest absurdity, + and as sure a proof of dotage as pink-coloured ribands, + or even matrimony. Nay, perhaps, there is more to be + said in defence of the last; I mean in a childless + old man; he may prefer a boy born in his own house, + though he knows it is not his own, to disrespectful or + worthless nephews or nieces. But there is no excuse for + beginning an edifice he can never inhabit, or probably + see finished. The Duchess of Marlborough used to + ridicule the vanity of it, by saying one might always + live upon other people's follies: yet you see she built + the most ridiculous house I ever saw, since it really + is not habitable, from the excessive damps; so true it + is, the things that we would do, those do we not, and + the things we would not do, those do we daily. I feel + in myself a proof of this assertion, being much against + my will at Venice, though I own it is the only great + town where I can properly reside, yet here I find so + many vexations, that, in spite of all my philosophy, + and (what is more powerful,) my phlegm, I am oftner + out of humour than among my plants and poultry in the + country. I cannot help being concerned at the success + of iniquitous schemes, and grieve for oppressed merit. + You, who see these things every day, think me as + unreasonable, in making them matter of complaint, as + if I seriously lamented the change of seasons. You + should consider I have lived almost a hermit ten years, + and the world is as new to me as to a country girl + transported from Wales to Coventry. I know I ought to + think my lot very good, that can boast of some sincere + friends among strangers." + +But we must put an end to this agreeable conference,--though we think, +that if we could for ever listen to such vivid gossip, we should never +grow old. We had intended to have treated of the romantic intimacy, +and subsequent determined hatred, that existed between Lady Mary and +Pope; but our limits warn us that we must not indulge in a lengthy +discussion of the subject. She, it is clear, was flattered by his wit +and his mental beauty. In him real passion took root. His advances +she appears to have repulsed, and he was thus suddenly driven to the +galling contemplation of his own person, and he at once from the adoring +poet became the "Deformed Transformed" into hate itself. Byron never +forgave an allusion to his lameness. The separation of Mr. Wortley from +his accomplished wife still remains unexplained; but it is clear that +kindly and respectful feelings were preserved unblemished between them; +and there is a delicate tenderness in each towards the other in the +veriest trifles, which shows how feeble a thing is absence over sincere +affections. We are rather surprised that no letters from Lady Mary to +her grand-daughter Lady Jane, (one of the daughters of the Countess of +Bute,) have not straggled into print. How beautifully must she have +written to children, and particularly to such a child as Lady Jane +appears to have been! The letters, however, we fear are lost. + +If we might be permitted to adopt a new manner of life, and to pitch +our tent in whatever part of his Majesty's dominions we pleased,--we +have no hesitation in saying that we should lose no time in directing +_those people_, however respectable they may be, who inhabit Strawberry +Hill, to _get out_! We should then send down by the Twickenham carrier +complete sets of the works of Pope, Swift, Johnny Gay, and the dear +Arbuthnot,--of the Letters of Horace Walpole, of Lady Mary Wortley +Montagu, Pepys' Memoirs, Evelyn's Memoirs, Shakspeare, and some other +works of trifling interest,--begging they may be placed in _that_ little +library with the stained glass. We should then Ourselves go down!--have +a comfortable annuity from government, and a moderate handful of +servants from the neighbourhood; and there we would pass away our life, +"from morn to noon,--from noon to dewy eve,--a summer's day!" This +plan has something in it so modest and reasonable, that we cannot help +thinking it will attract the attention of the existing ministry, and in +the end be realized! + + + + + A LAMENT OVER THE BANNISTER. + + And have we lost thee!--has the monarch grim + To his dull court borne off the child of whim! + And art thou gone, _Oldboy_?[26] thou brave and good + _Protector_[27] of the _Children in the Wood_? + + Then has the _World's_ great _Echo_[28] died away; + Out of his time th' _Apprentice_[29] could not stay: + The _Squib_'s[30] gone off, extinguish'd ev'ry spark, + And Momus mourns his region left so dark. + + How oft, exulting, have we view'd the _Moor_[31] + For Christian captives open Freedom's door; + We've stared to hear the _Valet_'s[32] ready fib, + And shudder'd when the _Cobbler_[33] strapp'd his rib. + + How, when Barbadoes' merry bells did ring, + We've smiled to see thee _Trudge_[34] and hear thee sing; + Thy _Ben_[35] and _Dory_[36] were of right true blue, + Thy _Sheva_[37] warm'd us to respect a _Jew_. + + To _Feign well_[38] thou indeed couldst make pretence, + Thy brilliant eye was all intelligence; + In thee we lost the flow'r of _City youths_,[39] + And now no _Lenitive_[40] our sorrow soothes. + + We care not whether tithes be paid or left, + Since of our _Acres_[41] we have been bereft; + We dread Spring Rice's yearly fiscal bore, + But grieve _Thy Budget_[42] can be heard no more. + + Great Garrick's pet,--an ancient fav'rite's son,-- + Upon the stage thy public course was run, + Tho', in thy youth, a painter; and, as man, + Thou didst draw houses in a _Caravan_[43]. + + And well thou couldst support a _Storm_[44], but Gout + Life's _little farthing rushlight_[45] has blown out: + Thou'rt gone, and from all further ills art screen'd, + For thou didst follow _Conscience, not the Fiend_[46]. + + Mourn'd in public and private, thou wouldst not come back; + "_Be quiet! I know it_"[47]--thou 'rt happier, Jack! J.S. + +[26] Colonel Oldboy in Lionel and Clarissa. + +[27] Walter The Children in the Wood. + +[28] Echo The World. + +[29] Dick The Apprentice. + +[30] Sam Squib Past Ten o'Clock. + +[31] Sadi The Mountaineers. + +[32] Sharp The Lying Valet. + +[33] Jonson The Devil to Pay. + +[34] Trudge Inkle and Yarico. + +[35] Ben Love for Love. + +[36] John Dory Wild Oats. + +[37] Sheva The Jew. + +[38] Colonel Feignwell Bold Stroke for a Wife. + +[39] Young Philpot The Citizen. + +[40] Lenitive The Prize. + +[41] Acres The Rivals. + +[42] Bannister's Budget A Monodramatic Entertainment. + +[43] Blabbo The Caravan. + +[44] Storm Ella Rosenberg. + +[45] Little Farthing Rushlight A popular song sung by Bannister. + +[46] Lancelot Gobbo The Merchant of Venice. + +[47] Sir David Dunder Ways and Means. + + + + +THEATRICAL ADVERTISEMENT, EXTRAORDINARY. + + [ As we might reasonably be expected + to account for the possession of the following + document, we beg to state that it was put into our + hands by an unknown gentleman, who slipped unseen + into our _sanctum_, clothed in a whity-brown suit, + half-boots, and blue cotton stockings. The gentleman + apologized for the negligence of his attire, by stating + that he was in "reduced" circumstances. His employers, + he said, had hit upon an ingenious mode of reimbursing + themselves for the losses they sustained by trading + under the market price,--which was simply paying their + workmen one half of their wages, and owing them the + other. On our inquiring with great sympathy, whether he + was not desirous to get the last-mentioned moiety, he + replied with real feeling, that he wished he might. He + then begged the loan of a small pinch of snuff, sighed + deeply, and withdrew.--ED. B. M. ] + +Messrs. Four, Two, and One, many years resident on the Surrey side of +the river Thames, beg most respectfully to announce to the play-going +public, that in consequence of the increasing demand for all sorts +of low-priced theatrical articles, they have at length succeeded in +securing and entering upon those large, commodious, and formerly +well-known high-priced premises situate in Drury-lane and Covent-garden; +and having by this arrangement prevented the possibility of competition, +they are determined to do business in future upon the Surrey-side system +only. To prove the sincerity of their intentions, Four, Two, and One +take this opportunity of making known to the directors of theatrical +establishments, that they have a number of hints ready cut and dried, +upon the necessity of a general reduction of the salaries of the +principal ENGLISH _artistes_, which will be found singularly useful to +managers taking a Continental trip for the purpose of securing FOREIGN +talent for the London market. + +F. T. and O. also recommend their celebrated elastic, self-acting, +portable, Anglo-Parisian pen, skilfully contrived to fit all hands, +and which enables the writer, after six lessons upon the Hamiltonian +system, to translate any French piece into _Surrey-side English_; +thereby superseding the necessity of employing and paying any author +or adapter who thinks it worth his while to embarrass himself with the +study of reading, writing, or any other abstruse or outlandish knowledge +whatsoever. + +F. T. and O. cannot conclude without returning their most sincere and +heartfelt thanks to the nobility, gentry, and friends of the drama +generally, by whom their endeavours have been so eminently patronized. +In particular, they should consider themselves guilty of the grossest +ingratitude, did they omit this occasion of acknowledging their +infinite obligations to the proprietors of the Patent establishments, +who (by their active zeal, and indefatigable industry in the great +cause of general reduction,) have placed Four, Two, and One, in their +present premises, and have thereby enforced and illustrated this +incontrovertible fact,--that Sheridan, Harris, and Colman were mere +humbugs and imposters compared with F. T. and O.; and, that during their +long and high-priced professional career, they did nothing to obtain or +preserve the protection of a candid and enlightened public. + + + + + THE ABBESS AND THE DUCHESS. + BY THOMAS HAYNES BAYLY. + + _Abbess._ + Who is knocking for admission + At the convent's outer gate? + Is it possible a lady + Can be wandering so late? + Let me see her through the lattice, + And her _story_ let me hear; + --Oh! your most obedient, madam; + May I ask what brings you here? + + _Duchess._ + You will very much applaud me, + When you hear what I have done; + I've been naughty,--I'm a penitent, + and want to be a nun. + I've been treated most unfairly, + Though 'tis said I am most fair; + I am rich, ma'am, and a duchess, + And my name's La Vallière. + + _Abbess._ + Get along, you naughty woman, + You'll contaminate us all; + When you touch'd the gate, I wonder + That the convent did not fall! + Stop! I think you mention'd money,-- + That is--penitence, I mean: + Let her in,--I'm _too_ indulgent;-- + Pray how are the king and queen? + + _Duchess._ + Lady Abbess, you delight me,-- + Oh! had Louis been as kind! + But he used me ungenteely, + To my fondness deaf and blind. + Oh! methinks that now I view him, + With his feathers in his hat!-- + Hem!--beg pardon--I'm aware, ma'am, + That I mustn't speak of _that_. + + _Abbess._ + Not by no means, madam, never; + _No_--you mustn't even _think_; + (Put your feet upon the fender, + And here's something warm to drink: + Is it strong enough?--pray stir it:) + What on earth _could_ make you go + From a palace to a convent? + Come,--I'm curious to know? + + _Duchess._ + Can you wonder, Lady Abbess?-- + At the change I should rejoice,-- + I of vanities was weary, + And a convent was my choice. + I have had a troubled conscience, + And court manners did condemn, + Ever since I saw King Louis + Making eyes at Madam _M_. + + _Abbess._ + Oh! I think I comprehend you: + But take care what you're about; + Though 'tis easy to get _in_ here, + 'Tan't so easy to get _out_: + You'll for beads resign your jewels, + And your robes for garments plain; + Ere you cut the world, remember + 'Tis not cut and come again! + + _Duchess._ + I am willing in a cloister + That my days and nights should pass; + --(This is very nice indeed, ma'am; + If you please, another glass)-- + As for courtiers, I'll hereafter + Lay the odious topic by; + Oh! their crooked ways enough are + For to turn a nun awry! + + _Abbess._ + Very proper: to the sisters + 'Twould be wrong to chatter thus; + Now and then, when snug and cosey, + 'Twill do very well for _us_. + It is strange how tittle-tattle + All about the convent spreads, + When the barber from the village + Comes to shave the sisters' heads. + + _Duchess._ + Do you really mean to tell me + I must lose my raven locks? + Then I'll tie 'em up with ribbon, + And I'll keep 'em in my box: + Oh! how Louis used to praise 'em! + Hem!--I think I'll go to bed.-- + Not another drop, I thank you,-- + It would get into my head. + + _Abbess._ + Benedicite! my daughter, + You'll be soon used to the place; + Though at meals our only duchess, + _You_ will have to say your grace: + And when none can interrupt us, + You of courtly scenes shall tell, + When I bring a drop of comfort + From my cellar to my cell! + + + + + EDWARD SAVILLE. + A TRANSCRIPT. BY CHARLES WHITEHEAD. + +The doctor tells me I must take no wine. Pshaw! It is not that which +mounts into my brain; and sometimes--but I must not wander--wine is the +best corrector of these fancies. One bottle more of sober claret, and +I shall be able to finish before midnight the brief sketch of my life +which I promised Travers long ago. + +It were worse than useless to set down any particulars of my boyhood. +An only son is usually a spoiled one, and that which is so easy +and delightful a task to most parents was by no means difficult or +unpleasant to mine; and yet, to do myself justice, I believe I was not +more conceited, insolent, selfish, and rapacious than others are during +those days of innocence, as they are called,--those days of innocence +which form the germ of that noble and disinterested creature, man. + +At the age of three-and-twenty I succeeded to my father's estate. It was +to divert a sense of loneliness which beset me, that I plunged into--as +they term it, but the phrase is a wrong one--that I ventured upon the +course of folly and dissipation into which so many young men of fortune +like myself hurry themselves, or are led, or are driven. But why recount +these scenes of pleasure--so called, or miscalled--whose reaction is +utter weariness, satiety, and disgust? + +I was at the theatre one night, when the friend who accompanied me +directed my attention to a very lovely girl, who, with her mother and +a party of friends, occupied the next box. She was, certainly, the +loveliest creature my eyes had ever lighted upon; with a sylph-like +form, (that is the usual phrase, I believe,) wanting perhaps that +complete roundness of limb which is considered essential to perfect +beauty in a woman--but she was barely sixteen--and yet suggesting, too, +the idea of consummate symmetry. Her face--but who can describe beauty? +who even can paint it? Let any man look at the finest attempts to +achieve this impossibility by the old masters, and then let him compare +them with the faces he has seen, and may see every day. Heavens! what +inanities! Can a man paint a soul upon canvass? And yet the artist talks +of his "expression." + +I watched her closely during the performance,--indeed, I had no power +to withdraw my gaze from her; and once or twice her eyes met mine, and +I thought I could perceive she was not altogether displeased at my +attention. Her confusion betrayed that to me, and in one short hour I +was a lost man. + +When the play was over, I framed a miserable excuse, which I thought +at the time a most ingenious one, to my friend for not accompanying +him home to supper, as I had promised; and hastening after my unknown +and her mother, who had left the box, was just in time to see them +enter a coach. I contrived to keep pace with it, and saw it deposit its +beautiful freight at a house in a small private street near Portman +Square. + +I could laugh--unaccustomed as I am even to private laughing +now-a-days--when I think, as I do sometimes, on those days of sentiment. +It were as futile to attempt to renew that sentiment after thirty, as +to strive to recal those days, and to bid them stand in next year's +calendar. The green wood is out of the tree by that time; and the trunk +becomes hard, and gnarled, and stubborn. Now is the time to enjoy life. +At five-and-thirty the blood and the brain act in concert, and the heart +beats not one pulse the quicker, while they do their spiriting--not +gently always.--To return. + +I went home that night altogether an altered man, and rose next +morning from a sleepless bed, absorbed with the one idea which had +worked so miraculous a change within me. All that day, almost without +intermission, did I pace up and down the street in the hope of seeing +her; but in vain. Not once did she approach the window; and I did not +deem it prudent to question one of the servants who came out of the +house several times during the day. I betook myself, therefore, towards +evening to a green-grocer's shop in the neighbourhood; and the purchase +of some fruit gave me a privilege to indulge in a little chat with the +good old woman who conducted the business. I affected to be chiefly +solicitous respecting the elderly lady, whom I had seen by chance, and +believed to be a friend of my father, but whose name I could not, for +the life of me, remember. The old woman smiled at my shallow artifice, +but proceeded to inform me that the elderly lady was the widow of an +officer who had been killed in the Peninsular War, leaving an only +daughter, at that period an infant. I begged pardon--the name? did she +know the daughter's name? + +"Oh yes! it was Isabella Denham." + +It was an era in my life, the first sound of that name. I thanked my +kind informant, and withdrew. + +I need not tell how unremittingly, and for how many weeks, I paced up +and down that street, with various success; how regularly I attended the +church she frequented; and how at length I obtained an introduction to +the family. + +I found Isabella Denham more captivating than the accumulated fancies +and self-willed convictions of months had pictured her to me. It is +no unusual result in such cases; but whether it be that the object +transcends the imagination, or that the imagination subserves the +object, I know not. It was so, however; for feeling upon these occasions +takes the place of reason, which is an impertinence. + +Let me be just. I think, had I loved Isabella Denham less, I should +equally have admired her. She had a mind and a heart; she was +accomplished; she was beautiful, gentle, and good; and she loved me. +Yes, she loved me. I believed it then, and I am certain of it now. How I +loved her, she never knew: that was for Time to show, and he has shown +it. + +I offered her my hand in due time, and was accepted. How I despised the +sneers and banter of some of my friends who could not conceive the idea +of a marriage with fortune on one side, and none on the other, and yet +were endeavouring at the same time to effect an engagement of a similar +nature in their own favour! How I disregarded the gratuitous advice of +sundry of my officious relatives, who thought that all love had died +when their own gave up the ghost, and who sometimes prophesied truly +because they were always prognosticating evil! + +We were at length married; and the close of the fourth year saw no +diminution of our happiness. We were domestic enough without seclusion, +and went into as much company as sufficed to make us feel that home +was the happiest place after all. One circumstance had contributed to +augment my felicity,--the birth of a son, which took place about a year +after our marriage. + +I know not what some people mean, who tell you that when a man becomes +married, love subsides into affection, and friendship takes the place +of passion. It was not so with me. I loved the wife as much as I had +adored the mistress. To make her happy was myself to be so; and to have +made her so, I would have laid down my life. Some, indeed, hinted that +I indulged her too much--that I let her have her own way in everything. +And why not? Did I marry to make my wife the creature, or the slave, +of some system of management, rule of action, or principle of conduct? +phrases which I abhor. No--no; be they as wise as they will, I was +right. I am convinced of it. _That_ was not the cause. We were happy. + +It was by the merest chance that I one day encountered Hastings in the +street--my friend Hastings. We had been companions at Eton, and at +college our intimacy had grown into friendship. Were I now asked for +what particular quality of mind or heart I had chosen Hastings for a +friend, I should find some difficulty in answering the question. He +was what is termed "a good-natured fellow;" there was nothing gross or +offensive in his gaiety, and he was always the same. His feelings never +led him to make a fool of himself which is much to say of a young man. +They might be called good _plated_ feelings, which answered the purpose +well enough, and sometimes passed for more costly articles. It is much, +after all, to possess a friend between whom and yourself you can drew +comparisons favourable to the latter, and who is perfectly content that +you should do so. + +He dined with me on the next day. His powers of conversation were +certainly much improved since we had last talked together. He could turn +the most superficial reading to admirable account; and so minute was +his observation, and so faithfully and graphically could he describe +manners, and the surface motives of men, that it almost appeared like a +profound knowledge of mankind. Isabella was pleased with his society; +and after she had retired to the drawing-room, my friend expatiated +somewhat at large upon her beauty and elegance, and, above all, upon +the good sense which characterised her. I need hardly say that I also +was delighted with him, and when we shook hands for the night, I could +have hugged the man for his glowing eulogy. I almost loved every one who +admired her. I was too weak--too weak. + +He visited us often, for his time was altogether his own. He was living +upon expectancy, and accordingly had more leisure than money. At various +periods I pressed him to make my purse his own, and he did so. I had, +indeed, more money at my disposal than I cared for, or knew what to do +with; and at that time I thought, when I served a friend, that I had +found the best employment of it. It is strange,--and yet perhaps it is +not by any means strange,--how men alter in this particular as they grow +older. The heart-strings and the purse-strings are not so easily drawn +then. + +Well, I was his banker, and felt myself sufficiently repaid by his +society. About this time, also, I was greatly occupied in business of a +somewhat troublesome nature, to conclude which it was necessary that +I should visit my estate. My probable term of absence was to be about +six weeks. The fashionable season was in its meridian, and I could not +be cruel enough to ask Isabella to accompany me. She had latterly taken +more pleasure in parties, and balls, and concerts than heretofore. +Perhaps I had kept her too close; we were too domestic. After all, it +was not the way of the world. I thought so, and Hastings agreed with +me;--I would see it reformed altogether when I return. + +In the mean while I begged Hastings to look in now and then, and +see that she was not lonely and out of spirits. It was natural to +expect that my first absence from her would cause her to feel so. He +promised to do as I requested, and I set off into the country, where +I was detained more than two months; and at length, finding myself +released from an irksome attendance on very unpleasant business, I took +post-horses, and with all the ardour of a lover returned to London. + +I returned to London.-- + +I remember the minutest particulars of that scene so well! Not a tittle +of it has escaped my memory--not a word, not a syllable! It will never +depart from my mind--from my soul! + +When the porter opened the door, I hastened through the hall, and sprang +up stairs into the drawing-room. She was not there; but my little boy, +hearing my well-known footstep, came from the adjoining room and ran +towards me. I caught him in my arms, and gave him a thousand kisses. + +"Well, my dear little fellow, and where is mamma?" + +"Not here--not here," said the boy, looking around; "but I'm so glad +you've come back!" + +Isabella was gone out, doubtless. I rang the bell. I did not observe +Mrs. Martin, the housekeeper, enter the room,--I was still caressing the +child. + +"Ha! Mrs. Martin--But what's the matter? You look ill.--Where is Mrs. +Saville?" + +The woman spoke not, but trembled violently, and turned very pale. I +motioned her to take a seat. She did so. + +"My dear madam, you alarm me," said I. "Is anything wrong--your +mistress----" + +Tears were streaming down the woman's face, as she arose suddenly, and +with her hands clasped before her she came towards me. + +"Oh, sir! bear it like a man," she cried, weeping bitterly;--"do bear +it like a man, sir! That I should live to tell you this!--I, who have +carried you in these arms, and have prayed a thousand times for your +happiness when I should be dead and gone!" + +She paused. Perhaps my face revealed the sickness of heart which at that +moment overcame me. I could not rise from my seat; I could not lift +the child from my knee, as he lay upon my bosom with his head pressed +against my heart. + +"Merciful Heaven!--Isabella is ill--she is dying!--at once, at once tell +me----" + +"No, no," said the woman bitterly, "she is not ill or dying. Mr. +Saville, I durst not tell you my suspicions before you left town--I +durst not, sir. For mercy's sake compose yourself! My mistress left this +house last Tuesday night with Mr. Hastings." + +That horrible shriek still rings in my ears. I remember thrusting the +child from me, and clasping my head with my hands; and then I was +smitten down--struck to the earth--worse than dead--oh, how much worse +than dead! + +It was a long, long, hideous dream that succeeded, full of woe, and +lamentations, and weeping, and curses, and despair. But I awoke at last +from that dream. Where was I? It was a very narrow, but lofty room; the +walls were whitewashed, and there was one small window about twelve feet +from the door. I was seated on a low truckle-bed; and as I turned my +eyes from the light of the window, they fell upon my hands, which were +laid before me. Around my wrists there were deep marks, as though they +had been tied together with cords; and when I moved, a sharp pain went +round me, like a girdle. But the rope had been loosened, and was no +longer about me. A man entered the room. + +"How do you feel yourself now?" said he, laying his hand upon my +shoulder. + +I looked up. Methought I recognised the voice, and the face was almost +familiar to me, and repulsively so. + +"I am well--very well," I answered. "Where am I?" + +The man said nothing, but silently left the room, presently returning +with a gentleman, of whom, as of the man, I had an indistinct +remembrance. + +"You will be better soon, sir," said this person kindly, as he felt my +pulse; and he turned towards the man, and spoke to him in an undertone. +"Let him he kept very quiet," was all I heard, and he retired shortly +after. + +Yes:--I had been mad--raving mad--for two years, and was now slowly +struggling back into consciousness. Feeble glimmerings of the past came +upon me at first, and then farther half-revelations were extended to me; +until at length _the cause_, dimly and remotely, but gradually nearer +and more near, stood before me like a curse. It is well for me that I +did not then relapse into madness; but I wrestled with it, I overcame +it, and in a month was taken away in my own physician's carriage, and +brought back home. Home?--that had been destroyed. + +My friend, Dr. Herbert, was, and is, the best fellow breathing. +He devoted for some weeks nearly the whole of his time to me. He +endeavoured to draw my mind away from the one subject, which might, he +thought, if entertained, once more overthrow my reason. He was mistaken. +The very endeavour to discard that memory, as often as it recurred, +would soon have distracted me. I encouraged it, therefore, and was +strengthened by it;--my mind throve upon it,--it was a comfort to me. + +The many slight indications of an attachment--of a passion--between +_her_ and this man Hastings,--and they must have been but slight +indications,--were presented to me now grossly and palpably. I could see +them all,--they stung me;--and I would curse my fool's nature that was +blind, or would not see and provide against the consequence. And why did +I curse my easy nature? Could I have borne to live a wretched turnkey, +a miserable listener at key-holes, a dealer out of "punishment, the +drudgery of devils?" Did I marry to suspect virtue, or to control vice? +Neither; and I was glad that, when they did wrong me, they permitted me +to know it. These thoughts never affected my brain;--there was no fear +of that. I thought no longer from the brain;--these thoughts were in my +heart, and never moved thence. + +One evening, as I was ascending the stairs, I overheard the child +inquiring of one of the servants "who that white-haired gentleman was, +and why he lived in the house?" I had hitherto refused to see the child; +but I now rang the bell, and ordered the housekeeper, who constantly +waited upon me, to bring him to me. + +He was much grown since I had last seen him, and was a fine boy. He did +not know me, and was at first fearful of approaching me; but I induced +him to sit upon my knee, and, putting his hair from the forehead, asked +him if he would not give me a kiss. As he lifted his face, and looked +up at me--that look! his very mother was gazing through those eyes! A +sudden faintness possessed me. I lifted the child gently from my knee, +and motioned the housekeeper to take him from my sight. I did not see +him again. + +But there was comfort still:--Hastings was in London,--I was certain of +it. + +And so he was. One night, about a fortnight after my return to town from +Paris, where I was told he had been seen, and where I had sought him in +vain, I was proceeding home, baffled in my endeavours to discover him in +some of his old haunts, which I had ascertained after many and fruitless +inquiries. I was walking rapidly down a miserable street in the vicinity +of Clare Market, when a squalid wretch, issuing from a public-house, +came in contact with me. I think no human being in the world would have +recognised him but myself. Hideously changed as he was, I knew him +instantly. The half-shriek that burst from him as he recoiled from me +showed that he had recognised me also. The struggle was a short one,--I +had omitted to put my pistols in my pocket on that evening. With what a +savage triumph, when I had dashed him on the pavement, did I stamp upon +the prostrate carcass of the groaning wretch! But my joy was brief; for +I was suddenly seized by three or four men, who held me firmly by the +arms. I could not get at him. Heedless of my ravings, they assisted the +miscreant to rise, who, casting one glance of terror towards me, darted +down an alley, and was lost to me for ever. He had escaped me. + +How I reached home I know not. Herbert, who visited me next morning, +forbade me to rise from my bed. He said my brain was unsettled, and I +believe it was. But I was well again in a month. + +The one idea pervaded my whole being when I arose from my bed. My +rencontre with Hastings had whetted my appetite for revenge so +keenly, that no reason, no thought, no feeling could control me. He +was evidently in a state of the most abject beggary and want. That +conviction did not disarm me; it rendered me only the more determined +and inflexible. + +I went forth one evening, and with much difficulty discovered the +public-house from which I had seen him emerge on _that_ night. From the +landlord I obtained every particular I required to know. Hastings had, +it seemed, changed his name;--it was now Harris. He resided in one small +room on the first floor of a house in a filthy court hard by; that is, +if he had not left the neighbourhood, for the man had not seen him for a +month past. + +It was well. I drank two glasses of brandy, for it was a cold night, +and proceeded towards my destination. I found it easily. There was a +light in the window, and, from the reflection of a man's figure on the +wall, I judged he was at home. The house-door was open, and I entered +the narrow passage. At that moment I trembled, and for an instant could +not proceed. No: it was not that which made me tremble; I knew, and was +prepared for, what I had to do. It was the other,--it was that face +which I feared I could not bear to behold. + +This was, as I have said, the weakness of a moment. I mounted the +stairs, and burst into the room suddenly. A man and a woman were seated +at a small fire, who arose abruptly on my entrance. It was not Harris +and--his wife. + +"Where is the man--Hastings?" I exclaimed, addressing the old couple. + +As I uttered these words, a loud shriek proceeded from a bed behind +me, and a female dropt upon the floor. I knew that voice,--I knew it +well;--but it did not move me. + +"Mrs. Harris is ill," said the old woman; "permit us to pass you, +sir;--it is one of the fits to which she is subject." + +I allowed the woman to step by me, who, raising the lifeless form beside +her, drew it into an adjoining room. + +"What do you want, sir? what is your business here?" inquired the man. + +I placed one hand into my coat-pocket and grasped a pistol, and with the +other seized the man by the collar. + +"Where is Harris?" said I. "You had best tell me; you are a dead man +else. He is hid somewhere--he is below, in the house--where is he?" + +"He is there," gasped the man; and he pointed towards the bed, upon +which a body was lying, covered with a linen cloth. + +I sank upon a chair. Hastings had indeed escaped me, and for ever. I was +left alone, for the man had hurried from the room. I cannot describe the +agony of feeling which I underwent during the next half-hour. I took the +light, and, walking to the bed, drew the linen cloth from the face of +the corpse. + +How awful! how mysterious is the power of death! The man who had +insulted, who had wronged, who had betrayed me,--whose ingratitude--of +all crimes the vilest and the basest--had inverted my very soul,--this +man lay before me cold, serene, tranquil, miserable, callously +insensible,--and yet I had no power to curse him. There was no serenity, +no tranquillity upon the face, when I gazed upon it more closely. The +brow was corrugated, the cheeks collapsed, and the eyelids sunken; and +there was the soul's torture, as it left a tortured body impressed upon +the face. Enough to have mitigated a more implacable hatred than mine! + +I left the room, and walked down stairs. As I proceeded along the +passage, the man whom I had before seen came out of a lower room, and +opened the door for me. I was about to depart, when he caught me gently +but firmly by the arm. + +"Oh, sir!" said he earnestly, "do not leave the house without seeing +Mrs. Harris. She has relapsed into another fit; but when she comes to +herself, it will be a comfort to her to see a friend of her husband. You +knew him, sir, when living; and for his sake, perhaps--" the man paused +for a moment, and continued,--"you have a benevolent heart, sir,--I am +sure you have,--and if you knew all, even though he may have wronged +you----" + +It was an unseasonable time for an appeal of this nature. The passions +that had been forced back upon my heart had yet scarce begun to subside, +but I spoke calmly. + +"You will tell her Mr. Saville has been here;" and I was going. + +"Mr. Saville!" repeated the man. "Oh, sir, we have heard that +name mentioned frequently of late. You will come again, or send, +perhaps;--will you not, sir?" + +"She will know where to find me, should she wish to see me, which I +think is hardly probable;" and with a cold "good-night" I left him. + +I called upon Herbert on my way home, and told him all that had taken +place. He was surprised and shocked. + +"Saville," said he, after a long pause, during which he had been +absorbed in reflection, "this cursed affair is destroying you. I am a +plain man. You may shake your head, and tell me coolly and calmly that +you have ceased to feel the injury which all the while is preying upon +you. It is that calmness which I fear most; it will kill you, or worse +than that,--you understand me. You must pursue this matter no farther. +The man is dead, and your wife---- Well," he resumed, "I beg your +pardon; I was wrong to call her by that name. May I speak plainly?" + +"You may." + +"She is evidently in a state of want--of destitution. This must not be. +You must allow her--settle upon her--enough to rescue her from poverty +and its temptations. She must not starve;--I see you could not bear +that. And you must forget her. It will not do to see a young man like +yourself sacrificed, self-sacrificed, to the villany of a scoundrel. I +will say no more, Saville. Vice has too much homage paid to her when an +honourable man is made her victim." + +Herbert was right--he was always so. No, no;--she must not starve. That +were indeed a miserable triumph to me. I went to my solicitor on the +next morning, and a deed was made out, settling a competence upon her, +and I sent with it as much money as she could require for immediate +exigencies. And I was resolved that I would forget her. The worst was +past, and time and occupation would do much, and I would think this +misery down. But the worst was not yet past. + +I was informed, one morning, that a woman in the hall desired to +speak with me. Concluding that she was one of the many persons who +are accustomed to wait upon the wealthy with petitions, I ordered the +servant to admit her. A woman meanly dressed, and whose countenance was +concealed, moved towards me, and sinking upon her knees, with her palms +pressed together and raised towards me, looked up into my face. Madness +in me, and misery and famine in her, must have wrought more strongly, if +that were possible, than they had done, could I have failed to recognise +that face instantly. Her lips moved,--she would have spoken, but she had +no power to speak,--and with a deep and heavy groan she fell upon the +floor before me. I rang the bell violently. A servant entered the room. + +"Send Mrs. Martin to me instantly. Mrs. Martin," said I, as the woman +hastened into the room, "let Dr. Herbert be sent for immediately. You +must take care of her. See that she wants nothing." + +"Gracious God! it is my mistress!" said the woman, as she raised +her head upon her knee. "You will let her remain in the house, Mr. +Saville?--in one of the upper rooms?" + +"In her own room, Mrs. Martin.--I commit her to you. When she recovers, +we can make other arrangements." + +It is out of the power of fortune or of fate to excite such feelings +within me now as pressed upon my heart for some days after this scene. +I thank God for it. Human strength or weakness could not again endure +so dreadful a conflict of brute passion and of human feeling. That +piteous face raised to mine would not depart from me. That she should +kneel,--that she should have been degraded abjectly to crouch before me +for forgiveness, for pardon, for the vilest pity,--and that I should +know and feel that the base expiation was the poorest recompense--oh! I +cannot pursue this farther. + +Some days after this,--it was on a Sunday forenoon,--Mrs. Martin entered +the room. She took a seat opposite to me. + +"I am come to speak with you, Mr. Saville," she said. + +"Well, madam, proceed." + +"Mrs. Saville, my mistress, sir, is dying." + +I spoke not for some minutes, although I was not altogether unprepared +for a communication of this nature. + +"You will take the child to her, madam; she will wish to see him." + +"Oh, sir, she has seen him every day since she came here, and he is with +her now. You will not be offended, sir, if I tell you that she has seen +him many times within the last two years. Yes, sir, when you were----" + +"Mad, madam!--speak plainly!--I _was_ mad." + +"She came, sir, to me, and fell at my feet, imploring to see the child, +and I could not refuse her. I could not bear that my mistress should +kneel to me, and not be permitted to behold her own son;" and here the +woman wept bitterly. + +"It is very well," said I, after a pause; "I do not blame you. It is +better, perhaps, that it should have been so." + +"Could I prevail upon you, sir?" she continued, wiping her eyes; "might +I be so bold as to hope----" + +I anticipated the woman's thoughts. + +"She has expressed no wish that I should see her, Mrs. Martin." + +"She does not mention your name even to me," said she; "but she must not +die without seeing you;--she _must_ not, Mr. Saville." + +My nature at times was changed from what it had been since I was +released from the mad-house. I cast a glance at the woman, which she +understood and feared. + +"Mention not this subject again, madam, and leave me. I would be alone." + +I was disturbed by what the housekeeper had told me. She was dying. It +was well. I wished her to die. I felt that until she was dead, my heart +could not be brought to forgive her. + +I walked out, and bent my steps towards the lodging which Hastings had +formerly occupied. I found the woman of the house at home, and, with +a calmness which I have since marvelled at, I drew from her all the +particulars of their sojourn at her house. They had been living with +her about ten months before the death of Hastings, who, she understood, +had been entirely deserted by his relations, but why she knew not. About +a month previous to the decease of Hastings, he came home one night, +saying that he had been waylaid by a ruffian and much injured, and he +had never risen from his bed again. + +I ventured to ask "if Mr. Harris and his wife lived happily together?" + +The woman shook her head. "There was a strange mystery about them," said +she, "which I never could rightly make out. She was ever gentle and +obedient; but still there was something unlike a wife, I used to think, +whenever she addressed him. And he, sir,--poor man! we should not speak +ill of the dead,--but when he came home--from the gaming-house, we often +thought--how he used to strike and beat her, telling her to go to her +Mr. Saville! He was jealous of you, sir, I suppose, but I am certain +without cause; for she was an angel, sir, if ever angel was born upon +this earth.--But you are ill, sir. What is the matter?" + +"Nothing, nothing," said I, rising suddenly; "I am better now;" and +pressing my purse upon the woman, I rushed from the house. + +God of justice! how dreadful is thy vengeance, and how thou oft-times +makest the sinner work out his own punishment! I thought not of the wife +at first,--I thought of Isabella Denham. My heart dwelt upon her once +more as I had first beheld her at the theatre,--the young, the lovely, +the innocent being of former days. I remembered when but to see her +for a moment at the window was happiness unspeakable,--when even the +pressure of her hand in mine was a blessing and a delight to me. And to +think that this creature, who had lain in my bosom, who had been tended, +watched, almost served, with a degree of love akin to idolatry,--who had +never seen one glance of unkindness from me, who had heard no tone from +my lips save of affection--too often of foolish weakness;--to think that +this creature should have become the slave, the drudge,--the spurned and +beaten drudge of a brutal miscreant,--the thought was too horrible! + +I had scarcely entered my own house when Mrs. Martin sought me. + +"For mercy's sake, sir!" she said in agitation, "come and take your last +leave of my mistress. She is dying, and has prayed to see you once more." + +I followed her in silence. I met Herbert at the door of the room. "I am +glad you are come," said he. He was in tears. + +"I am too weak, Herbert; am I not?" + +He pressed my hand,--"No, no,"--and he left me. + +I entered the room, and sat down by her side. She spoke not for some +minutes. + +"I wished to see you once more, Mr. Saville," she said at length in a +low tone, and without raising her eyes to my face, "to implore, not +your pardon, for that I dare not expect; but that you will not curse +my memory when I am gone. You would not, Edward,"--and she tremblingly +touched my hand as it lay upon the bed,--"if you knew all, or if I could +tell you all." + +I answered something, but I know not what. + +"I have been guilty," she resumed, "but I did not meditate guilt. Heaven +is my witness that I speak the truth. I was betrayed;--and the rest was +fear, and frenzy, and despair!" + +I could conceive that now--I could believe it:--I did believe it,--and I +was human. I took both her hands in mine: "Look at me, Isabella! look in +my face!" + +She did so, but with hesitation, and as she did so she started.--"Nay, +we are both altered: but other miseries might have done this. I forgive +you from my heart and from my soul. As we first met, so shall we now +part. All shall be forgotten,--all is forgiven. God bless you!" + +Those words had killed her. Her eyes dwelt upon me for one moment with +their first sweetness in them;--a sigh,--and earth alone remained! + + + + + A FRAGMENT OF ROMANCE. + WARRANTED GENUINE. + + [ A young lady who rejoices in + the appellation of Czarina Amabelle St. Cloud has + addressed a lengthened epistle to us, in which she + feelingly deplores the gradual decline and downfall of + the Minerva Press. She has favoured us with a catalogue + of her unpublished works, and a spirit-stirring extract + from her last manuscript romance, which is indeed a + masterpiece in a department of literature now unhappily + but too much neglected. We willingly subjoin both. For + a young lady under twenty years of age, Miss St. Cloud + in the most voluminous writer we ever had the pleasure + of meeting with.--ED. ] + + CATALOGUE OF MISS ST. CLOUD'S UNPUBLISHED WORKS. + + A Nympholept Lover, or, the Whispering Fungus. + Lycanthropy, the Wolfish Exquisite. + The Vampyre's Elixir, or, the Undying Wanderer. + The Spectre Steam-boat's Monster Supercargo. + The Pawned Shadow; a Vision of Invisibility. + The Idiot Oracle and the Infant Wizard. + Ventriloquism; the Life of a Fratricidal Freemason. + Dyke-impia, the Watery Doublegoer. + Basiliska, the Snake-eyed Skeleton of Enniskillen. + The Last Woman; or, the Parentless Pigmies. + Amuletus's Enchanted Chessmen; from the German. + Second Sight; or, the Crimson Behemoth. + Frozen Echoes; or, Wraithology; a Shetland story. + The Evil Ear: a legend of love. + Venomgorgia, the Arsenic-eater; a pastoral romance. + The Politics of the Gnomes; a satiric allegory. + Pestilia, the Plague Perie; or, the Eternal Earthquake. + The Fog Fairy; or, a Fire in Fleet-ditch. + The Hydra of Hyde Park; or, High-life Eclogues. + Aristocratic Atrocities; or, the Banker's Widow. + The Fatal Furbelow; or, the Tempted Templar. + The Murderous Marchioness of Mesopotamia. With coloured plates. + Boadicea at Jaugarnaut; interspersed with Della Cruscan Poetry. + Romanzritter and Nomansreden; a tradition of ancient Norwegia. + + + _Extract._ + +"Let the tear of sensibility be wiped for the simple Clotilde, who, +fresh as an opening zoöphyte, awoke her aged nurse, Fidgita, to prepare +her for the evening masque; and still the unconscious being warbled, + + "While meekly blends the azure dew, + And starry dawn invests the grove, + When listening doves in fancy coo, + O'er faintest dreams by memory wove; + Then shall the blameless brigand bless + The suit of his Bohemian fair, + Or read in every golden tress + The token flowers of India's air! + Singing tink a tink, fal lira la, + Fal lira la, sing tink a tink!" + +"Gramercy!" quoth the garrulous crone, who had numbered ninety summers; +"will my foster babe mock with troubadour odes, and ballads, and the +like, one whose every artery hath hardened into a tendon? Hear me, +wench, and tremble!" In an unearthly and sepulchral tone, she gutturally +muttered the ancient Runic prophecy-- + + "Two children, each of spell-bound mother, + Shall meet, and one shall love the other; + But mother young, and mother old, + Each the blessing shall withhold. + When by parent's tooth is child's flesh riven, + When by child's hand, parent hurl'd from heaven, + Then shall the serfs with joy be tipsy, + For then shall the robber espouse the gipsy." + +The mysterious Fidgita disappeared. Clotilde pondered o'er the +prediction. She was, indeed, a natural daughter of a wealthy baron, by +some beauteous wanderer. The lawless but exemplary idol of her heart +had rescued herself and nurse from these Tartar hordes, and restored +her to her father, in whose halls she had been received by the Hebrew +Duchess Ketura Boaz, and wooed, somewhat against the will of that +mature enchantress, by the Danish Lord Wooden Murkenhole, whose cause +Fidgita had warmly espoused. Clotilde still stood, clammily clasping her +clay-cold hands, as her sportive Grace tripped into the corridor. + +"Is the Lady Gunterzwartz turned puritan?" she asked with her wonted wit. + +"Not at all," was the dignified reply; for the high patrician blood +which had descended from the old Romans to our fair papist ill brooked +the familiarity of the Israelitish dame. + +"Lady Clotilde," resumed the Duchess Ketura, playing with the handle of +the dagger which marked her caste, and which, like other creoles of that +region and period, she wore stuck in her plaid bonnet, "I must tell your +ladyship----" + +"Nothing about that Wooden Murkenhole!" interrupted Clotilde. "Were he +a sable pagan Esquimaux bowing to the abominations of Isis, I could not +regard him with more repugnance." + +"Ha!" laughed her Grace of Boaz, "'tis only when Guzman sails his +gondola beneath the spreading cocoa-trees, and strikes his ganjam to +the praise of thy charms, that thou art pleased, flirting Tory! Truly, +friend Clotilde, I little dreamed, an' please you, when, flying from +the invading Normans, I left the luxurious woods of Dover, and the +contingent mountains of Cheshire, that I should find thee, my own--no +matter! so unlike in taste to thy hapless--hush!" + +"Oh, Albion!" sighed Clotilde, "decidedly thou must be the queen of +cities. Thy gallant outlaws and highwaymen will with joy the bride +of Guzman greet; for, rather than wive the Rosicrucian Murkenhole, I +will throw myself off Mount Damthopovit, or into the monastery of St. +Kussanblastre." + +"My lovely pupil," said Ketura, "had far better accompany me to the +munchen-hall, where the kooken-vrow is already serving up the duntarags." + +Clotilde followed her friend. What, then, was her amaze at finding the +phorontrom filled with armed men, headed by the rejected and vindictive +Wooden! To seize his victim; to place her in the fatal trot-joggeur; +to drive across the extensive crags of Smashaltobitz; to consign her +to the dungeons of Glumanough,--was the work of a moment. It was not +long, however, ere Fidgita apprised the Chevalier Guzman of his lady's +peril: that nobleman, we may well imagine, lost no time in attempting to +succour. + +We must now return to the chateau. Between those fated women stood the +unforgiving one. + +"Mothers both!" he uttered, pointing jocosely. "Mother, traitress to +your son, we part no more. Mother, rival to your daughter, Jewess or +Gingaree, you have lost your Clotilde. Vainly, like your sires, may you +wander crying Chloe! Chloe! till she too is old Clo--till--" + +But we draw the curtain o'er his savage joy. Poison and poignard had +been pacific penances to those he dealt the Duchess, ere, with delirious +haste, he ascended with his wretched parent in the aërial car. The Lady +Ketura, meanwhile, fled to her skiff, which, but for the incantations +of the wizard Gorius, she could not have steered, her wrists being yet +stiff from the thumb-screws applied to extort her unutterable secret. +Thus for weeks did they buffet,--one with ether, the other with the +waves,--without touching even earth, much less any more palatable food. +Their squalid tatters spread pestilence around, and the rage of hunger +gnawed them both. + +It was now that the volcano began to spout in tragic lines of liquid +fire: a furious tempest added shipwreck to the scene. A flaming brand +from the irruption lighted on the sail,--the conflagration spread,--a +spiral blaze darted on high,--the roar of combustion announced that it +had ignited the infernal gas, and the accursed aëronaut was precipitated +on the shore. Ketura now remembered how she _had_ loved, and crawled to +kiss the dear perfidious Murkenhole. Bats, toads, lemurs, owls, snails, +spiders, and other reptilous vermin, slimily beset her loathsome way, +gibbering with too intelligible triumph; but, leaning her back against a +rock, and firmly placing her foot before, she shouted, "Come one, come +all! this rock shall fly from its firm base as soon as Ketura!" + +He of the charmed life had fallen unharmed, and, hearing this heroic +defiance, rushed to consummate his hellish vengeance. But the Duchess +of Boaz anticipated his asking eye. Madly she dashed her veined +temples against the jagged rock--all was black darkness. Wooden hurried +forward,--slipped,--fell. Was it the ocean foam which rendered his path +precarious? He scooped up some, in the hollow of his hand, to quench +his burning thirst, and lend him voice for one more vow of hate! Holy +nature! his slide was formed of Ketura's brain!--'twas that his lip had +touched. Still, as life ebbed from her gangrenous coagulated wounds, her +lacerated arms, like crushed vipers, wound their torn muscles round his +felon knee. With a glare of fury he beheld the demon laughing o'er his +prey, but, as the master of these forfeit souls, spurned the already +putrescent masses of still conscious mortality into the turgid sable of +that yawning gulf: their life-rending shriek awaked the distant bandits, +who had been deaf to the phenomena of nature. What sight awaits them? + +Now all the gods to speed! it is the Steam Beacon of the Railroad, which +begins to flare in token of their chieftain's victory: and lo! he comes, +bearing in one hand two papers;--the first, a free pardon for himself +and gallant band; the second, a restitution of his Italian estates, +as the rightful Count Cigaro. In his other hand he leads the rescued +Clotilde, followed by her venerable father Sir Gunterzwartz; and if a +momentary cloud o'ershadowed their spirits at the memory of the dead, it +was dissipated on the morrow at the altar of Hymen, where the Druidic +high-priest, assisted by his patriarchs, conferred the blushing hand of +Clotilde on the joy-o'erflowed eye of her devoted Guzman; announcing +to the assembled senate this moral lesson,--that necromancy dislocates +every vital tie; but that whene'er irregular valour substitutes, in +favour of injured beauty, the boudoir of bliss for the dungeon of +despair, there is in such exchange no robbery." + +To this we can only add, that Miss St. Cloud and a young gentleman we +know might write a delightful book between them; and that the sooner +they form a literary partnership, the better. + + + + + LINES + + _On seeing "The Young Veteran,"_ JOHN BANNISTER, _toddling up + Gower-street, after he had attained his seventieth birthday_. + + WRITTEN BY SIR GEORGE ROSE, AND COMMUNICATED BY J. P. HARLEY, ESQ. + + With seventy years upon his back, + Still is my honest friend "Young Jack," + Nor spirits check'd nor fancy slack, + But fresh as any daisy. + Though Time has knock'd his stumps about, + He cannot bowl his temper out; + And all the _Bannister_ is stout, + Although the STEPS be crazy. + + [Illustration: An Irish Patient] + + + + + HANDY ANDY.--No. II. + +Andy walked out of the room with an air of supreme triumph, having laid +the letters on the table, and left the squire staring after him in +perfect amazement. + +"Well, by the holy Paul! that's the most extraordinary genius I ever +came across," was the soliloquy the master uttered as the servant closed +the door after him; and the squire broke the seal of the letter that +Andy's blundering had so long delayed. It was from his law-agent, on the +subject of an expected election in the county which would occur in case +of the demise of the then-sitting member;--it ran thus: + + "Dublin, Thursday. MY DEAR + SQUIRE.--I am making all possible exertions to have + every and the earliest information on the subject of + the election. I say the election,--because, though the + seat for the county is not yet vacant, it is impossible + but that it must soon be so. Any other man than the + present member must have died long ago; but Sir Timothy + Trimmer has been so undecided all his life that he + cannot at present make up his mind to die; and it is + only by Death himself giving the casting vote that the + question can be decided. The writ for the vacant county + is expected to arrive by every mail, and in the mean + time I am on the alert for information. You know we + are sure of the barony of Ballysloughgutthery, and the + boys of Killanmaul will murder any one that dares to + give a vote against you. We are sure of Knockdoughty + also, and the very pigs in Glanamuck would return you; + but I must put you on your guard in one point where + you least expected to be betrayed. You told me you + were sure of Neck-or-nothing Hall; but I can tell you + you're out there; for the master of the aforesaid is + working heaven and earth to send us all to h--ll. He + backs the other interest; for he is so over head and + ears in debt, that he is looking out for a pension, + and hopes to get one by giving his interest to the + Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain, who sits for the + borough of Old Gooseberry at present, but whose friends + think his talents are worthy of a county. If Sack wins, + Neck-or-nothing gets a pension,--that's _poz_. I had + it from the best authority. I lodge at a milliner's + here:--no matter; more when I see you. But don't be + afraid; we'll bag Sack; and distance Neck-or-nothing. + But, seriously speaking, it's a d--d good joke that + O'Grady should use you in this manner, who have been + so kind to him in money matters; but, as the old song + says, 'Poverty parts good company;' and he is so cursed + poor that he can't afford to know you any longer, now + that you have lent him all the money you had, and the + pension _in prospectu_ is too much for his feelings. + I'll be down with you again as soon as I can, for I + hate the diabolical town as I do poison. They have + altered Stephen's Green--_ruined_ it, I should say. + They have taken away the big ditch that was round it, + where I used to hunt water-rats when a boy. They are + destroying the place with their d--d improvements. + All the dogs are well, I hope, and my favorite bitch. + Remember me to Mrs. Egan, Whom all admire. My dear + squire, Your's per quire, "_To Edward Egan, Esq. + Merryvale._" + MURTOUGH MURPHY. + +Murtough Murphy was a great character, as may be guessed from his +letter. He was a country attorney of good practice;--good, because +he could not help it,--for he was a clever, ready-witted fellow, up +to all sorts of trap, and one in whose hands a cause was very safe; +therefore he had plenty of clients without his seeking them. For, +if Murtough's practice had depended on his looking for it, he might +have made broth of his own parchment; for though, to all intents and +purposes, a good attorney, he was so full of fun and fond of amusement, +that it was only by dint of the business being thrust upon him he was +so extensive a practitioner. He loved a good bottle, a good hunt, a +good joke, and a good song, as well as any fellow in Ireland; and +even when he was obliged in the way of business to press a gentleman +hard,--to hunt his man to the death,--he did it so good-humouredly that +his very victim could not be angry with him. As for those he served, +he was their prime favourite; there was nothing they _could_ want to +be done in the parchment line that Murtough would not find out some +way of doing; and he was so pleasant a fellow, that he shared in the +hospitality of all the best tables in the county. He kept good horses, +was on every race-ground within twenty miles, and a steeple-chase was +no steeple-chase without him. Then he betted freely, and, what's more, +won his bets very generally; but no one found fault with him for that, +and he took your money with such a good grace, and mostly gave you +a _bon-mot_ in exchange for it,--so that, next to winning the money +yourself, you were glad it was won by Murtough Murphy. + +The squire read his letter two or three times, and made his comments as +he proceeded. "'Working heaven and earth to send us to--' So, that's the +work O'Grady's at--that's old friendship--d--d unfair: and after all the +money I lent him too;--he'd better take care--I'll be down on him if he +plays foul;--not that I'd like that much either;--but--Let's see who's +this is coming down to oppose me?--Sack Scatterbrain--the biggest fool +from this to himself;--the fellow can't ride a bit,--a pretty member +for a sporting county! 'I lodge at a milliner's'--divil doubt you, +Murtough; I'll engage you do.--Bad luck to him!--he'd rather be fooling +away his time in a back-parlour, behind a bonnet-shop, than minding the +interests of the county. 'Pension'--ha!--wants it sure enough,--take +care, O'Grady, or by the powers I'll be at you.--You may baulk all the +bailiffs, and defy any other man to serve you with a writ; but, by +jingo! if I take the matter in hand, I'll be bound I'll get it done. +'Stephen's Green--big ditch--where I used to hunt water-rats.'--Divil +sweep you, Murphy! you'd rather be hunting water-rats any day than +minding your business.--He's a clever fellow for all that. 'Favourite +bitch--Mrs. Egan.' Ay!--there's the end of it--with his bit o' po'thry +too! The divil! + +The squire threw down the letter, and then his eye caught the other two +that Andy had purloined. + +"More of that stupid blackguard's work!--robbing the mail--no +less!--that fellow will be hanged some time or other. 'Egad, maybe +they'll hang him for this! What's best to be done?--Maybe it will be the +safest way to see who they are for, and send them to the parties, and +request they will say nothing: that's it." + +The squire here took up the letters that lay before him, to read their +superscriptions; and the first he turned over was directed to Gustavus +Granby O'Grady, Esq. Neck-or-nothing Hall, Knockbotherum. This was +what is called a curious coincidence. Just as he had been reading all +about O'Grady's intended treachery to him, here was a letter to that +individual, and with the Dublin post-mark too, and a very grand seal. + +The squire examined the arms, and, though not versed in the mysteries +of heraldry, he thought he remembered enough of most of the arms he had +seen to say that this armorial bearing was a strange one to him. He +turned the letter over and over again, and looked at it back and front, +with an expression in his face that said, as plain as countenance could +speak, "I'd give a trifle to know what is inside of this." He looked at +the seal again: "Here's a--goose, I think it is, sitting in a bowl, with +cross-bars on it, and a spoon in its mouth: like the fellow that owns +it, maybe. A goose with a silver spoon in his mouth! Well, here's the +gable-end of a house, and a bird sitting on the top of it. Could it be +Sparrow? There's a fellow called Sparrow that's under-secretary at the +Castle. D--n it! I wish I knew what it's about." + +The squire threw down the letter as he said "d--n it," but took it +up again in a few seconds, and, catching it edgewise between his +fore-finger and thumb, gave a gentle pressure that made the letter gape +at its extremities; and the squire, exercising that sidelong glance +which is peculiar to postmasters, waiting-maids, and magpies who inspect +marrow-bones, peeped into the interior of the epistle, saying to himself +as he did so, "All's fair in war, and why not in electioneering?" +His face, which was screwed up to the scrutinizing pucker, gradually +lengthened as he caught some words that were on the last turn-over of +the sheet, and so could be read thoroughly, and his brow darkened into +the deepest frown as he scanned these lines: "As you very properly and +pungently remark, poor Egan is a _bladder_--a mere _bladder_." "I am a +_bladdher_? by Jasus!" said the squire, tearing the letter into pieces +and throwing it into the fire. "And so, _Misther_ O'Grady, you say +I'm a bladdher!" and the blood of the Egans rose as the head of that +pugnacious family strided up and down the room: "I'll bladdher you, my +buck,--I'll settle your hash!" + +Here he took up the poker, and made a very angry lunge at the fire, that +did not want stirring, and there he beheld the letter blazing merrily +away. He dropped the poker as if he had caught it by the hot end, as he +exclaimed, "What the d--l shall I do? I've burnt the letter!" This threw +the squire into a fit of what he was wont to call his "considering cap;" +and he sat with his feet on the fender for some minutes, occasionally +muttering to himself what he began with,--"What the d--l shall I do? +It's all owing to that infernal Andy--I'll murder that fellow some time +or other. If he hadn't brought it, I shouldn't have seen it--to be sure, +if I hadn't looked; but then the temptation--a saint couldn't have +withstood it. Confound it! what a stupid trick to burn it. Another here, +too--must burn that as well, and say nothing about either of them;" and +he took up the second letter, and, merely looking at the address, threw +it into the fire. He then rang the bell, and desired Andy to be sent +to him. As soon as that ingenious individual made his appearance, the +squire desired him with peculiar emphasis to shut the door, and then +opened upon him with, + +"You unfortunate rascal!" + +"Yis, your honour." + +"Do you know that you might be hanged for what you did to-day?" + +"What did I do, sir?" + +"You robbed the post-office." + +"How did I rob it, sir?" + +"You took two letters you had no right to." + +"It's no robbery for a man to get the worth of his money." + +"Will you hold your tongue, you stupid villain! I'm not joking: you +absolutely might be hanged for robbing the post-office." + +"Sure I didn't know there was any harm in what I done; and for that +matther, sure, if they're sitch wondherful value, can't I go back again +wid 'em?" + +"No, you thief! I hope you have not said a word to any one about it." + +"Not the sign of a word passed my lips about it." + +"You're sure?" + +"Sartin." + +"Take care, then, that you never open your mouth to mortal about it, or +you'll be hanged, as sure as your name is Andy Rooney." + +"Oh, at that rate I never will. But maybe your honour thinks I ought to +be hanged?" + +"No,--because you did not intend to do a wrong thing; but, only I have +pity on you, I could hang you to-morrow for what you've done." + +"Thank you, sir." + +"I've burnt the letters, so no one can know anything about the business +unless you tell on yourself: so remember,--not a word." + +"Faith. I'll be as dumb as the dumb baste." + +"Go, now; and, once for all, remember you'll be hanged so sure as you +ever mention one word about this affair." + +Andy made a bow and a scrape, and left the squire, who hoped the secret +was safe. He then took a ruminating walk round the pleasure-grounds, +revolving plans of retaliation upon his false friend O'Grady; and +having determined to put the most severe and sudden measure of the law +in force against him for the monies in which he was indebted to him, +he only awaited the arrival of Murtough Murphy from Dublin to execute +his vengeance. Having settled this in his own mind, he became more +contented, and said, with a self-satisfied nod of the head, "We'll see +who's the _bladdher_." + +In a few days Murtough Murphy returned from Dublin, and to Merryvale he +immediately proceeded. The squire opened to him directly his intention +of commencing hostile law proceedings against O'Grady, and asked what +most summary measures could be put in practice against him. + +"Oh! various, various, my dear squire," said Murphy; "but I don't see +any great use in doing so _yet_,--he has not openly avowed himself." + +"But does he not intend to coalesce with the other party?" + +"I believe so;--that is, if he's to get the pension." + +"Well, and that's as good as done, you know; for if they want him, the +pension is easily managed." + +"I'm not so sure of that." + +"Why, they're as plenty as blackberries." + +"Very true; but, you see, Lord Gobblestown swallows all the pensions +for his own family; and there are a great many complaints in the market +against him for plucking that blackberry-bush very bare indeed; and +unless Sack Scatterbrain has swingeing interest, the pension may not be +such an easy thing." + +"But still O'Grady has shown himself not my friend." + +"My dear squire, don't be so hot: he has not _shown_ himself yet----" + +"Well, but he means it." + +"My dear squire, you oughtn't to jump a conclusion like a twelve-foot +drain or a five-bar gate." + +"Well, he's a blackguard." + +"No denying it; and therefore keep him on your side, if you can, or +he'll be a troublesome customer on the other." + +"I'll keep no terms with him;--I'll slap at him directly. What can you +do that's wickedest?--latitat, capias--fee-faw-fum, or whatever you call +it?" + +"Hollo! squire, you're overrunning your game: maybe, after all, he +_won't_ join the Scatterbrains, and----" + +"I tell you it's no matter; he intended doing it, and that's all the +same. I'll slap at him,--I'll blister him!" + +Murtough Murphy wondered at this blind fury of the squire, who, being a +good-humoured and good-natured fellow in general, puzzled the attorney +the more by his present manifest malignity against O'Grady. But he had +not seen the turn-over of the letter: he had not seen "_bladdher_,"--the +real and secret cause of the "war to the knife" spirit which was kindled +in the squire's breast. + +"Of course you can do what you please; but, if you'd take a friend's +advice----" + +"I tell you I'll blister him." + +"He certainly _bled_ you very freely." + +"I'll blister him, I tell you, and that smart. Lose no time, Murphy, my +boy: let loose the dogs of law on him, and harass him till he'd wish the +d--l had him." + +"Just as you like; but----" + +"I'll have it my own way, I tell you; so say no more." + +"I'll commence against him at once then, as you wish it; but it's no +use, for you know very well that it will be impossible to serve him." + +"Let me alone for that: I'll be bound I'll find fellows to get the +inside of him." + +"Why, his house is barricaded like a jail, and he has dogs enough to +bait all the bulls in the country." + +"No matter; just send me the blister for him, and I'll engage I'll stick +it on him." + +"Very well, squire; you shall have the blister as soon as it can be got +ready. I'll tell you whenever you may send over to me for it, and your +messenger shall have it hot and warm for him. Good-b'ye, squire." + +"Good-b'ye, Murphy!--lose no time." + +"In the twinkling of a bed-post. Are you going to Tom Durfy's +steeple-chase?" + +"I'm not sure." + +"I've a bet on it. Did you see the Widow Flanagan lately? You didn'? +They say Tom's pushing it strong there. The widow has money, you know, +and Tom does it all for the love o' God; for you know, squire, there are +two things God hates,--a coward and a poor man. Now, Tom's no coward; +and, that he may be sure of the love o' God on the other score, he's +making up to the widow; and, as he's a slashing fellow, she's nothing +loth, and, for fear of any one cutting him out, Tom keeps as sharp a +look-out after her as she does after him. He's fierce on it, and looks +pistols at any one that attempts putting his _comether_ on the widow, +while she looks "as soon as you plaze," as plain as an optical lecture +can enlighten the heart of man: in short, Tom's all ram's horns, and the +widow all sheep's eyes. Good-b'ye, squire!" And Murtough put spurs to +his horse and cantered down the avenue, singing. + +Andy was sent over to Murtough Murphy's for the law process at the +appointed time; and, as he had to pass through the village, Mrs. Egan +desired him to call at the apothecary's for some medicine that was +prescribed for one of the children. + +"What'll I ax for, ma'am?" + +"I'd be sorry to trust to you, Andy, for remembering. Here's the +prescription; take great care of it, and Mr. M'Grane will give you +something to bring back; and mind, if it's a powder, don't let it get +wet as you did the sugar the other day." + +"No, ma'am." + +"And if it's a bottle, don't break it as you did the last." + +"No, ma'am." + +"And make haste." + +"Yis, ma'am:" and off went Andy. + +In going through the village he forgot to leave the prescription at the +apothecary's, and pushed on for the attorney's: there he saw Murtough +Murphy, who handed him the law process, enclosed in a cover, with a note +to the squire. + +"Have you been doing anything very clever lately, Andy?" said Murtough. + +"I don't know, sir," said Andy. + +"Did you shoot any one with soda-water since I saw you last?" + +Andy grinned. + +"Did you kill any more dogs lately, Andy?" + +"Faith, you're too hard on me, sir: sure I never killed but one dog, and +that was an accident----" + +"An accident!--D--n your impudence, you thief! Do you think, if you +killed one of the pack on purpose, we wouldn't cut the very heart out o' +you with our hunting-whips?" + +"Faith, I wouldn't doubt you, sir: but, sure, how could I help that +divil of a mare runnin' away wid me, and thramplin' the dogs?" + +"Why didn't you hold her, you thief?" + +"Hould her, indeed!--you just might as well expect to stop fire among +flax as that one." + +"Well, be off with you now, Andy, and take care of what I gave you for +the squire." + +"Oh, never fear, sir," said Andy, as he turned his horse's head +homeward. He stopped at the apothecary's in the village to execute his +commission for "misthis." On telling the son of Galen that he wanted +some physic "for one o' the childre up at the big house," the dispenser +of the healing art asked _what_ physic he wanted. + +"Faith, I dunna what physic." + +"What's the matter with the child?" + +"He's sick, sir." + +"I suppose so, indeed, or you wouldn't be sent for medicine.--You're +always making some blunder. You come here, and don't know what +description of medicine is wanted." + +"Don't I?" said Andy with a great air. + +"No you don't, you omadhaun!" said the apothecary. + +Andy fumbled in his pockets and could not lay hold of the paper his +mistress entrusted him with until he had emptied them thoroughly of +their contents upon the counter of the shop; and then taking the +prescription from the collection, he said, "So you tell me I don't know +the description of the physic I'm to get. Now, you see you're out; for +_that's_ the _description_." And he slapped the counter impressively +with his hand, as he threw down the recipe before the apothecary. + +While the medicine was in the course of preparation for Andy, he +commenced restoring to his pockets the various parcels he had taken +from them in hunting for the recipe, Now, it happened that he had laid +them down close beside some articles that were compounded, and sealed +up for going out, on the apothecary's counter; and as the law process +which Andy had received from Murtough Murphy chanced to resemble in form +another enclosure that lay beside it, containing a blister, Andy, under +the influence of his peculiar genius, popped the blister into his pocket +instead of the packet which had been confided to him by the attorney, +and having obtained the necessary medicine from M'Grane, rode home with +great self-complacency that he had not forgot to do a single thing that +had been entrusted to him: "I'm all right this time," said Andy to +himself. + +Scarcely had he left the apothecary's shop when another messenger +alighted at its door, and asked "If Squire O'Grady's things was ready?" + +"There they are," said the innocent M'Grane, pointing to the bottles, +boxes, and _blister_, he had made up and set aside, little dreaming that +the blister had been exchanged for a law process; and Squire O'Grady's +own messenger popped into his pocket the legal instrument, that it was +as much as any seven men's lives were worth to bring within gun-shot of +Neck-or-nothing Hall. + +Home he went, and the sound of the old gate creaking on its hinges +at the entrance to the avenue awoke the deep-mouthed dogs around the +house, who rushed infuriate to the spot to devour the unholy intruder +on the peace and privacy of the patrician O'Grady; but they recognised +the old grey hack and his rider, and quietly wagged their tails and +trotted back, and licked their lips at the thoughts of the bailiff +they had hoped to eat. The door of Neck-or-nothing Hall was carefully +unbarred and unchained, and the nurse-tender was handed the parcel from +the apothecary, and re-ascended to the sick-room with slippered foot as +quietly as she could; for the renowned O'Grady was, according to her +account, "as cross as two sticks;" and she protested, furthermore, "that +her heart was grey with him." + +Mrs. O'Grady was near the bed of the sick man as the nurse-tender +entered. + +"Here's the things for your honour now," said she in her most soothing +tone. + +"I wish the d--l had you and them!" said O'Grady. + +"Gusty, dear!" said his wife. She might have said stormy instead of +gusty. + +"Oh! they'll do you good, your honour," said the nurse-tender, +curtsying, and uncorking bottles, and opening a pill-box. + +"Curse them all!" said the squire. "A pretty thing to have a gentleman's +body made a perfect sink for these blackguard doctors and apothecaries +to pour their dirty stuff into--faugh!" + +"Now, sir, dear, there's a little blisther just to go on your chest--if +you plaze----" + +"A _what_!" + +"A warm plasther, dear." + +"A _blister_ you said, you old _divil_!" + +"Well, sure, it's something to relieve you." + +The squire gave a deep growl, and his wife put in the usual appeal of +"Gusty, dear!" + +"Hold your tongue, will you? how would _you_ like it? I wish you had it +on your----" + +"'Deed-an-deed, dear,--" said the nurse-tender. + +"By the 'ternal war! if you say another word, I'll throw the jug at you!" + +"And there's a nice dhrop o' gruel I have on the fire for you," said the +nurse, pretending not to mind the rising anger of the squire, as she +stirred the gruel with one hand, while with the other she marked herself +with the sign of the cross, and said in a mumbling manner, "God presarve +us! he's the most cantankerous Christian I ever kem across!" + +"Show me that infernal thing!" said the squire. + +"What thing, dear?" + +"You know well enough, you old hag!--that blackguard blister!" + +"Here it is, dear. Now, just open the brust o' your shirt, and let me +put it an you." + +"Give it into my hand here, and let me see it." + +"Sartinly, sir;--but I think, if you'd let me just----" + +"Give it to me, I tell you!" said the squire, in a tone so fierce +that the nurse paused in her unfolding of the packet, and handed it +with fear and trembling to the already indignant O'Grady. But it is +only imagination can figure the outrageous fury of the squire, when, +on opening the envelope with his own hand, he beheld the law process +before him. There, in the heart of his castle, with his bars, and bolts, +and bull-dogs, and blunderbusses round him, he was served--absolutely +served,--and he had no doubt the nurse-tender was bribed to betray him. + +A roar and a jump up in bed, first startled his wife into terror, and +put the nurse on the defensive. + +"You infernal old strap!" shouted he, as he clutched up a handful of +bottles on the table near him and flung them at the nurse, who was near +the fire at the time; and she whipped the pot of gruel from the grate, +and converted it into a means of defence against the phial-pelting storm. + +Mrs. O'Grady rolled herself up in the bed-curtains, while the nurse +screeched "murther!" and at last, when O'Grady saw that bottles were of +no avail, he scrambled out of bed, shouting, "Where's my blunderbuss?" +and the nurse-tender, while he endeavoured to get it down from the rack, +where it was suspended over the mantelpiece, bolted out of the door, +which she locked on the outside, and ran to the most remote corner of +the house for shelter. + +In the mean time, how fared it at Merryvale? Andy returned with his +parcel for the squire, and his note from Murtough Murphy, which ran thus: + + "MY DEAR SQUIRE.--I send you the + _blister_ for O'Grady, as you insist on it; but I think + you won't find it easy to serve him with it. "Your + obedient and obliged, "MURTOUGH MURPHY." "_To Edward + Egan, Esq. Merryvale._" + +The squire opened the cover, and when he saw a real instead of a +figurative blister, grew crimson with rage. He could not speak for some +minutes, his indignation was so excessive. "So!" said he, at last, "Mr. +Murtough Murphy--you think to cut your jokes with me, do you? By all +that's sacred! I'll cut such a joke on you with the biggest horsewhip +I can find, that you'll remember it. '_Dear squire, I send you the +blister._' Bad luck to your impidence! Wait till awhile ago--that's all. +By this and that, you'll get such a blistering from me that all the +spermaceti in M'Grane's shop won't cure you." + + + + + TO A LYRIC AND ARTIST. + + (_Which we received from a Correspondent, and could not + possibly insert in a more appropriate place than this._) + + No wonder that Painters are "drawing long faces," + And Poets write badly, the while they discover + How truly the Muses, how fondly the Graces, + Receive the addresses of one little LOVER. + + + + + BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF RICHARDSON, THE SHOWMAN. + _With a Peep at Bartholomew Fair._ + + BY THE AUTHOR OF FISHER'S NATIONAL PORTRAIT GALLERY. + _Seventeenth Edition, 4to._ + +In a periodical like the present, a contributor, if he really have +anything in him, ought to set off at score. Such is my determination. + +Works of the sort can only be produced by the exhibition of three rare +qualities, namely, Wit, Humour, and entertaining Fiction. The first has +been compared to a razor, which "cuts the most when exquisitely keen;" +the second I will venture to liken to a table-knife, which slashes away +at all on the board, and the best when broadly shining and tolerably +sharp in the edge; and the last is familiar enough to everybody, under +the term of "throwing the hatchet." But whatever the instrument, be it +razor, or knife, or axe, it is quite essential that it should never lose +its temper. + + Mais l'audace est commune, et le bon sens est rare; + Au lieu d'être piquant, souvent on est bizarre: + +which, being freely translated, means, + + In life there's so much impudence, + And very little common sense, + That writers trying to be witty, + Are only foolish: more's the pity! + +"The Showman,"--for so was this eminent individual designated by the +world at large, and so upon memorable occasions he called himself;--was, +it will be felt, a title of high distinction. When we look around +us, and see how many men are playing showmen, and how miserably they +succeed, we shall at once be convinced that nothing but very superior +merit could have won for Richardson the glory of the definite "the." +_He_ was not showing off himself, but others: he was nor showing off +his own follies, but the follies of society. Thus, instead of being a +laughing-stock, he laughed in his own sleeve; and by keeping a fool, +instead of making a fool of himself, he eschewed poverty, and ultimately +died in the odour and sanctity of wealth. + +Richardson originated at _Great_ Marlow, in the county of Bucks; the +very name of the place seeming to intimate that he was born to achieve +greatness. Whether he was lineally descended from the author of Clarissa +Harlowe is, and will long continue to be, a disputed fact. There was a +family resemblance between them; both were country gentlemen, and both +wore top-boots. + +For breeding, Mr. Richardson was indebted to the parish workhouse,--fair +promise of his future industry. In those days the poor laws had not been +amended; and children, being victualled satisfactorily, generally throve +accordingly. Under correction be it spoken, workhouses in country towns +were then far from being houses of correction. So our hero grew up. + +When big enough, he acquitted himself with reputation in the employment +of out o' door activity; for he never resembled the lazy fellow reduced +by idleness to want, who said in excuse, "When they bid me go to the ant +to learn wisdom, I am almost always going to my uncle's." + +From Marlow, after due probation, young Richardson, it is stated, +sought his fortune in the metropolis, and entered into the service of +Mr. Rhodes, a huge cow-keeper--a colossus in the milky way. Here it +is probable he acquired a taste for pastorals, and that extraordinary +proficiency in the Welsh language which rendered his dialogue in +after-times so strikingly rich and Celto-Doric. Some etymologists thence +infer that it was _Pick't_; but we don't believe it. + +We never read the life of an actor or actress without being told, about +the period of Richardson's career at which we have now arrived, that the +"ruling passion" took such strong possession of them, that they must +break all bounds, run away, and join some strolling company, to "imp +their wings," or some flight of that sort. So it happened with our hero: +he cut the cows, and hastened to adhere to Mrs. Penley, then performing +with unprecedented success in a club-room at Shadwell, a small town in +the vicinity of Wapping. The houses were crowded; receipts to the full +amount of five shillings nightly crowned their efforts, and the corps, +consisting of two gentlemen and two ladies, divided the five among +four, playing as it were all fours in a fives court. Encouraged by this +success, Richardson resolved to extend his fame, and accordingly visited +many parts of the provinces, starring it from the Shadwell boards. +Mighty as must have been his deserts, he met with no Bath manager, no +Tate Wilkinson, no Macready or Kemble, to appreciate his histrionic +talents. One night, having accidentally witnessed a representation of +the School for Scandal, he fancied he could play the little broker; so +he returned to London, and took a small shop in that line of business. +About the year ninety-six, he was enabled to rent the Harlequin, a +public-house near the stage-door of old Drury, and much frequented by +dramatic wights. It was of one of these that Richardson used to tell his +most elaborate pun. Being asked if he did anything in the dramatic line, +he answered, "I do more or less in it in every way: I do what I can in +the first syllable, _dram_, and in the first two syllables, _drama_; in +the last two syllables, _attic_, I am to be seen every night; and in the +last, _tick_--m' eye! I wish you knew my exertions." + +It was not to be expected that the Harlequin could last long without a +change; for not only was the sign contrariwise thereto, but the place +itself was a change-house. Our landlord therefore let it; and crying +"Damned be he that lets me!" bought a caravan, engaged a company from +among his customers, and opened his first booth at Bartholomew Fair. +But the name of this famed annual assemblage--now, alas! in a deep +decline--is enough to tempt a scribbler for hire to branch off into an +episode. And here it is. + +Proclaimed on the 3rd of September, to last during three lawful days, +exclusive of the day of proclamation, "Bartholomew Faire," as appears +from a pamphlet under that title, printed for Richard Harper, at the +Bible and Harpe, in Smithfield, A. D. 1641, began on the 24th of August, +old style. About the year 1102, in the reign of Henry the First, Rahere, +a minstrel of the king, founded the priory, hospital, and church of +St. Bartholomew, in Smithfield, as requested by the saint himself in a +dream, and, it is presumed, upon a bed where the dreamer could guess +what it was to be flea'd alive. Rahere was the first prior, and in his +time there was a grand row with Boniface, Archbishop of Canterbury, +on a visitation, when sundry skulls of canons, monks, and friars were +cracked, which probably suggested that the site would be very eligible +for an annual fair. Henry the Second accordingly granted that privilege +to the clothiers of England and the drapers of _London_; and his charter +to the mayor and aldermen is extant to this day. Theretofore called +"The Elms," from the noble trees which adorned it, Smithfield became in +turn a place for splendid jousts, tournaments, pageants, and feats of +chivalry; a market for cattle and hay; a scene of cruel executions; and +one where, as old Stow acquaints us, loose serving-men and quarrelsome +persons resorted and made uproars, thus becoming the rendezvous of +bullies and bravoes, till it earned the appropriate name of "Ruffians' +Hall." King Solomon, _alias_ Jacobus Primus, caused it to be paved +two hundred and twenty years agone, which we have on the authority of +Master Arthur Strange-ways, whose statement leads us to infer that the +Lord Mayor of 1614 had never opened a railroad, like Lord Mayor Kelly +in 1886. Then and there our ancient civic magnates were wont to disport +themselves with witnessing "wrastlings," shooting the broad arrow and +flights for games, and hunting real wild rabbits by the city boys, with +great noise and laughter. + +Posterior to the priors, and superior to the sub-priors of St. +Bartholomew, the canons have been succeeded by common guns; and the +friars by fried pigs, the most renowned viand of the festival;[48] the +monks have given place to monkeys, and the recluses to showmen. Such +are the mute abilities of Father Time. "The severall enormityes and +misdemeanours, which are there seene and acted," are they not upon +record? "Hither resort (says Master Harper, 1641) people of all sorts, +high and low, rich and poore, from cities, townes, and countrys; of +all sects, Papists, Atheists, Anabaptists, and Brownists; and of all +conditions, knaves and fooles, cuckolds and cuckoldmakers, pimpes and +panders, rogues and rascalls, the little loud-one and the witty wanton. +The faire is full of gold and silver drawers: just as Lent is to the +fishmonger, so is Bartholomew Faire to the pick-pocket. It is his high +harvest, which is never bad but when his cart goes up Holborne. Some of +your cut-purses are in fee with cheating costermongers. They have many +dainty baits to draw a bit; fine fowlers they are, for every finger +of theirs is a lime-twigge with which they catch dotterels. They are +excellently well read in physiognomy, for they will know how strong you +are in the purse by looking in your face; and, for the more certainty +thereof, they will follow you close, and never leave you till you draw +your purse, or they for you, though they kisse Newgate for it." + +[48] Besides the fried pigs were other most famous delicacies, which to +this day are not quite obsolete. There were called _sasserges_.--ED. + +Hone, in his Every-day Book (Part X.), furnished an excellent view of +this fair, full of curious dramatic and other matter. He describes the +shows of 1825, among which, _àpropos_, Richardson's theatre figures +prominently. The outside, he tells us, was above thirty feet in height, +and occupied one platform one hundred feet in width. The platform was +very elevated, the back of it lined with green baize, and festooned +with deeply-fringed crimson curtains, except at two places where the +money-takers sat, in roomy projections fitted up like Gothic shrinework, +with columns and pinnacles. There were fifteen-hundred variegated +illumination-lamps, in chandeliers, lustres, wreaths, and festoons. +A band of ten musicians in scarlet dresses, similar to those worn by +his Majesty's Beefeaters, continually played on various instruments; +while the performers paraded in their gayest "properties" before the +gazing multitude. Audiences rapidly ascended on each performance +being over; and, paying their money to the receivers in their Gothic +seats, had tickets in return, which, being taken at the doors, +admitted them to descend into the "theatre." The performances were +the Wandering Outlaw, a melodrama, with the death of the villain and +appearance of the accusing spirit;--a comic harlequinade, Harlequin +Faustus;--and concluding with a splendid panorama, painted by the first +artists.--Boxes, two shillings; pit, one shilling; and gallery, sixpence. + +The theatre held nearly a thousand people, continually emptying and +filling, and the performances were got over in about a quarter of an +hour! And, though anticipating a little of our personal narrative, we +may as well mention here, that occasionally, when the outside platform +was crowded with impatient spectators waiting for their turn to be +admitted, though the performances had not lasted more than five minutes, +Mr. Richardson would send in to inquire if _John Over-y_ was there, +which was the well-known signal to finish off-hand, strike the gong, +turn out the one audience, and turn in their successors, to see as much +of the Outlaw, the Devil, or Dr. Faustus, as time permitted. + +Ben Johnson's play of Bartholomew Fair in 1614 explains many of its +ancient humours, and particularly the eating of Bartholomew pig, already +noticed, and not to be repeated, as we desire to pen something more to +the purpose in Smithfield than a dry antiquarian essay, though it relate +to hares playing on the tabor, or tigers taught to pluck chickens. In +the latter way a ballad of 1655 may suffice. + + In 55, may I never thrive + If I tell ye any more than is true,-- + To London she came, hearing of the fame + Of a fair they call Bartholomew. + + In houses of boards men walk upon cords, + As easy as squirrels crack filberds; + But the cut-purses they do bite, and rub away, + But those we suppose to be ill birds. + + For a penny you may see a fine puppet play, + And for twopence a rare piece of art; + And a penny a cann, I dare swear a man + May put zix of 'em into a quart. + + Their zights be so rich, is able to bewitch + The heart of a very fine man-a; + Here's Patient Grizel here, and Fair Rosamond there, + And the history of Susanna. + + At Pye-corner end, mark well, my good friend, + 'Tis a very fine dirty place; + Where there's more arrows and bows, the Lord above knows, + Than was handled at Chevy Chase. + + Then at Smithfield Bars, betwixt the ground and the stars, + There's a place they call Shoemaker's-Row, + Where that you may buy shoes every day, + Or go barefoot all the year, I tro. + +In 1715 the largest booth ever erected was in the centre of Smithfield, +"for the King's Players;" and, in later times, we read of Garrick going +to see the pieces at Yates' and Shuter's booth. Hogarth in his youth +painted scenes for a famous woman who kept a droll in the fair; and +the old lady refused to pay because Dutch metal was used instead of +real gilding with leaf-gold. Pidcock and Polito exhibited their finest +animals; Astley his troop of horse, succeeded by Saunders. Puppet-shows, +or motions, as they were called, were also always popular here; and +giants, dwarfs, and whatever was singular in nature, or could be made +to seem so by art, have from time immemorial been the wonders and +favourites of Bartholomew Fair. + +Having now brought "_the_ Showman" to the management of what he might +have designated the National Theatre, with the long-established Jonases, +Penleys, Jobsons, _et hoc genus omne_ as his rivals,--the commencement +of a career of half a century's duration,--may we not pause to point +towards him the finger of admiration? What are the lessees of Drury +Lane or Covent Garden when compared to him? What have they done, or +what are they likely to do, for the legitimate drama, when compared +to him? He was a manager who paid his performers weekly on the nail; +meaning by "the nail" the drum-head. On the Saturday evening, assembling +them all, willing and buoyant, around him, he spread the sum total of +their salaries upon the drum,--not double base, like the frauds of +modern managers,--and then there was a roll-call of the most agreeable +description. Sometimes the merry vagabonds would shove one another up +against their paymaster; but the worst of his resentment was to detect +the _larker_, if he could, and pay him last; or, if sorely annoyed, +forget to invite him to the following supper: punishments severe, +it must be acknowledged; but still the sufferers had their money to +comfort themselves withal, and were not obliged to wait, like the waits +in the streets at midnight, till after Christmas for the chance of +their hard-earned wages. And he was grateful, too. When marked success +attended any performer or performance, a marked requital was sure to +follow. The Spotted Boy was a fortune to him, though not all so black as +Jim Crow; and his affection grew with his growth. His portrait adorned +the Tusculum of the Showman; and, after his death, he could not withdraw +the green silk curtain from it without shedding tears. Had that boy +lived to be a man, there is no doubt but Richardson would have made him +independent of all the dark specks on life's horizon. As it was, he was +treated as by a father like a spotless boy, and buried in the catacombs +of the race of Richardson. + +Next to the Spotted Boy, the performer whom Richardson most boasted of +having belonged to his company was Edmund Kean. He, with Mrs. Carey, +_quasi_ mamma, and Henry, _quasi_ brother, were engaged by our spirited +manager; and Kean, over his cups, used to brag of having, by tumbling in +front of the booth, tumbled hundreds of bumpkins in to the spectacles +within. He did Tom Thumb as tiny Booth does now at the St. James's +Theatre; and at a later period, viz. 1806, is stated to have played +Norval, and Motley in the Castle Spectre, for him at Battersea fair. +Another story adds, that he was called on to recite his Tom-Thumbery +before George the Third at Windsor; but we will not vouch for the truth +of the newspaper anecdote. + +From the metropolitan glory of Bartholomew Fair, the transition to +the principal fairs of the kingdom was obvious. Mr. Richardson went +the whole hog, and, in so doing, had nearly gone to the dogs. At that +revolutionary period, neither the fairs nor the affairs of the country +were in a wholesome condition. Politics are ever adverse to amusements. +Vain was the attempt to beguile the snobbery of their pence; and our +poor caravan, like one in the deserts of the Stony Araby, toiled on +their weary march with full hearts and empty stomachs. At length it is +told, at Cambridge Fair,--well might it be called by its less euphonous +name of Stirbitch, so badly did the speculation pay,--that Richardson +and his clown, Tom Jefferies, of facetious memory, were compelled to +take a sort of French leave for London, leaving much of their _materiel_ +in pawn. Undamped by adversity, they took a fiddler with them; and the +merry trio so enamoured the dwellers and wayfarers upon the road, that +they not only extracted plentiful supplies for themselves, but were +enabled to provide sufficiently for the bodily wants of the main body of +the company, who followed at a judicious and respectable distance. + +The pressure from without was, however, luckily but of temporary +endurance; and Richardson was soon well to do again in the world. Fair +succeeded fair, and he succeeded with all. His enterprise was great, and +his gains commensurate. He rose by degrees, and at length became the +most renowned of dramatic caterers for those classes who are prone to +enjoy the unadulterated drama. Why, his mere outside by-play was worth +fifty times more than the inside of large houses, to witness such trash +as has lately usurped the stage, and pushed Tragedy from her throne, and +Comedy from her stool. Of these memorabilia we can call to mind only a +few instances; but they speak volumes for the powers of entertaining +possessed by our hero. + +It was at Peckham one day,--and a day of rain and mud,--when Richardson, +stepping from the steps of his booth, as Moncey, the king of the +beggars, was shovelling past on _his boards_, happened to slip and fall. +We shall not readily forget the good-humour with which he looked, not +up, but level, upon his companion, and sweetly said, "'Faith! friend, it +seems that neither you nor I can keep our feet." + +At Brook Green, as the fair and happy were crushing up to the pay-door, +a pretty servant-girl was among the number. "I should like to _hire_ +that girl," said a dandy to his comrade. "I rather guess you would like +to _lower_ her," whispered Mr. R. in his ear. But she was a good lass, +and not at all like the French gentleman's maid, to whom her master +uttered these humiliating words: "Bah! you arre a verry bad girl, and I +shall make you _no_ better." + +Mr. R. misliked drunkenness in his troop. "A fellow," he exclaimed to +one he was rating for this vice,--"a fellow who gets tipsy every night +will never be _a rising man_ in any profession." + +In a remote village some accident had destroyed a grotto necessary to +the representation of the piece entitled "The Nymphs of the Grotto." +What was to be done? There was no machinist within a hundred miles! "Is +there not an _undertaker_?" exclaimed Mr. R.: "he could surely execute a +little shell-work!" + +In an adjoining booth at Camberwell was exhibited a very old man, whom +the placards declared to have reached _a hundred and five years of age_. +"Here is a pretty thing to make a show of," observed R. "A wonder, +indeed! Why, if my grandfather had not died, he would have been _a +hundred and twenty_!" + +But why should we dwell on his facetiæ? Only to point the poignant grief +which tells us we shall never hear them more,--shall never look upon his +like again! Yes: let others mourn their Prichards, their Garricks, their +Kembles, and their Keans;--our _keen_ is for thee, John Richardson, the +undisputed head of thy profession, the master-spirit of them all, the +glory of the mighty multitude, + + "Where thou wert fairest of the _Fair_." + +And how liberal thou wert! Thou wert not a manager to debar from their +just privileges thy dramatic brethren, or insult the literary characters +who honourably patronised thy honourable endeavours. Thy "Walk up!" was +open and generous. When Jack Reeve and a party from the Adelphi visited +the splendid booth at Bartholomew Fair, the veteran recognised his +brethren of the buskin, and immediately returned to them the money they +had paid on entrance, disdaining to pocket the hard-earned fruits of the +stage. "You, or any other actor of talent," said the old man, "are quite +welcome to visit my theatre free of expense." "No, no," replied Reeve, +"keep it, or (noticing a dissenting shake of the head) give it to the +poor." "If I have made a mistake," retorted John, "and have not done so +_already_, give it to them yourself; I will have nothing to do with it, +and I am not going to turn parish overseer." + +At length, alas! his days--his fair days--were numbered, and, as the +song says, "the good old man must die." As his first, so was his last +exhibition at Smithfield; but Smithfield, like the other national +theatres, shorn of its splendour, degenerate, and degraded. It seemed +as if the last of the fairs: others had been abolished and put down; +and this, the topmost of them all, was sinking under the march of +intellect, the diffusion of knowledge, and the confusion of reform. +Fairs in Britain were ended, and it was not worth Richardson's while +to live any longer. He retired, tired and dejected, to his "Woodland +Cottage" in Horsemonger-lane; and on the morning of the 14th of November +was expected by the Angel of Death. His finale was serene: his life +had been strange and varied, but industrious and frugal. The last time +we saw him,--and it was to engage him on his last loyal and public +patriotic work, namely, to erect the scaffolding for the inauguration +of the statue of George III. in Cockspur-street,--he approached us with +a fine cabbage under his arm, which he had been purchasing for dinner. +His manners, too, were equally simple and unaffected;--he was the +Cincinnatus of his order. He told us of the satisfaction he had given +to George IV. by transporting the giraffe in a beautiful caravan to +Windsor Park. The caravan was Richardson's world; and he might well have +applied to that vehicle the eastern apologue, "the place which changes +its occupants so often is not a palace, but a 'caravan'-serai." But we +are giving way to sorrow, though "away with melancholy" is our motto. A +wide-mouthed musician--we forget whether clarionet or trombone--applied +to Richardson at Easter for an engagement at Greenwich fair: "You won't +do any thing till Christmas," said he: "you must wait, as you are only +fit for a Wait: you are one to play from ear to ear." + +It is said that Richardson died rich; and indeed the sale of his effects +by auction showed that if other persons were men of property, he was a +man of properties. Three hundred and thirty-four lots of multitudinous +composition were submitted to the hammer; and it was truly a jubilee to +see how the Jews did outbid each other. There were Nathan, and Hart, +and Clarke, and Levy, besides an inferior and dirtier lot, who got +velvets, and silks, and satins, for the old song, "Old Clo'!" Though +their late owner, in the heyday of his prime, observed, "I have to show +my dresses by daylight, and they must be first-rate; anything will do +for the large theatres in the night-time, either green-baize, or tin, or +dog-skins for ermine;" yet their prices were by no means considerable. +Two Lear's dresses, two Dutch and one Jew's ditto, sold for thirty-five +shillings; one spangled Harlequin's dress, one clown's, one magician's, +and pantaloon's, came to one pound eleven shillings and sixpence; five +priests' and a cardinal's dress, and the next lot, six robbers' dresses +and a cardinal's dress, went very low; and six satyrs' dresses were +absolutely given away. A large scene waggon brought fourteen pounds, and +a ditto scene carriage only eight pounds. Then there were sundries of +curious character in the catalogue: + +Ten common w_h_igs, trick-bottle, and trick-box (probably what Stanley +called the thimble-rig). + +A trick-sword, a coffin and pall: tomb of _Capulate_. + +_The_ old oak chest, with skeleton and two inscriptions (a very superior +property). + +A spangled woman's dress, white gown, &c. complete. + +Two handsome spangled women's dresses, with caps, complete. + +Five chintz women's dresses, two bow [qy. beau?] strings and scarf, +eight fans, four baskets, and fifteen tails. + +A man's ghost dress, complete. + +A handsome woman's velvet dress, and Roman father's ditto. + +Three magicians' dresses, and five musicians' ditto. + +Nine spangled flys. + +A handsome demon's dress, spangled and ornamented with gilt [guilt] +mask, and mace. + +Four demons' dresses, with _masks, complete_! + +_Executioner's_ dress and cap, complete; six black gowns, and _four +falls_. + +A superfine admiral's coat and hat, trimmed with gold lace, breeches, +and waistcoat. + +Ditto (no breeches). + +Lion, bear, monkey, and cat's dresses, with two masks. + +Two handsome _nondescript_ dresses. + +Such and so various were the articles in this unique three days' sale; +and in the last some pieces of good old china were knocked down. Three +weeks previously their owner was deposited in the cold church-yard of +Great Marlow, in the grave, we are assured, of the Spotted Boy. The +funeral was, at his request, conducted without _Show_; and his nephews +and nieces--for he left no family--inherit his worldly wealth, under +the executorship of Mr. Cross, the proprietor of the Surrey Zoological +Garden and its giraffery. + +Many actors who have risen to celebrity began their course with him: +Kean, first as outside and inside tumbling boy, and afterwards as a +lending tragedian, with a salary of five shillings a day; Oxberry, +Mitchell, Walbourn, and Sanders, A. Slader, Thwaites, Vaughan, S. +Faucett, &c. were introduced to the public under his auspices. Who now +shall open the gates of the temple to dramatic fame? The Janitor is gone +for ever. A hearse is the last omnibus, after all. A hearse is the end +of the showman's caravans, and the sexton is the last toll-collector he +encounters in this world. John Richardson, + + FAREWELL! + + + + + PADDY BLAKE'S ECHO. + A NEW VERSION FROM THE ORIGINAL IRISH. + + "_Ecco_ ridente," &c. + + I. + There's a spot by that lake, sirs, + Where echoes were born, + Where one Paddy Blake, sirs, + Was walking one morn + With a great curiosity big in his mind! + Says he, "Mrs. Blake + Doesn't _trate_ me of late + In the fashion she did + When I first call'd her Kate: + She's crusty and surly,-- + My cabin's the _dhiaoul_, + My pigs and my poultry + Are all cheek by jowl; + But what is the cause, from the _A_cho I'll find." + + (_Spoken._) + +So up he goes _bouldly_ to the _A_cho, and says, "The top o' the mornin' +t'ye, Misther or Missus _A_cho, for divil a know I know whether ye wear +petticoats or breeches." + +"Neither," says the _A_cho in Irish. + +"Now, that being the case," says Paddy, turnin' sharp 'pon the _A_cho, +d'ye see, "ye can tell me the stark-naked truth." + +"'Troth, an' ye may say that, with yir own purty mouth," says the _A_cho. + +"Well, thin," says Paddy agin, "what the divil's come over Mrs. Blake of +late?" + +"_Potcheen!_" says the _A_cho. + +"Oh! (_shouting_) by the pow'rs of Moll Kelly," says Paddy, "I thought +as mich:-- + + "It wasn't for nothin' the taypot was hid, + Though I guess'd what was in it, by smelling the lid!" + + II. + There's another suspicion + Comes over my mind, + That with all this _contrition_ + And pray'rs, and that kind, + Ould Father Mahony's a wag in his way. + When a _station_, he says, + Will be held at _my_ house, + _I_ must go my ways, + Or be mute as a mouse. + For _him_ turkey and bacon + Is pull'd from the shelf; + Not so much as a cake on + The coals for myself: + But what all this _manes_, why, the _A_cho will say. + + (_Spoken._) + +Up he goes agin to the _A_cho, and says, "Tell me, aff ye plase, what +is't brings ould Father Mahony so everlastingly to my country seat in +the bog of Bally Keeran?" + +"Mrs. Blake!" says the _A_cho. + +"Oh! hannimandhiaoul!" says Paddy, "I thought as mich--the thief o' the +world--I thought as mich. Oh! tundher-a-nouns! + + "I'll go home an' _bate_ her, until my heart's sore, + Then give her the key of the street evermore!" + W. + + + + + RECOLLECTIONS OF CHILDHOOD. + BY THE AUTHOR OF HEADLONG HALL. + + THE ABBEY HOUSE. + +I passed many of my earliest days in a country town, on whose immediate +outskirts stood an ancient mansion, bearing the name of the Abbey House. +This mansion has long since vanished from the face of the earth; but +many of my pleasantest youthful recollections are associated with it, +and in my mind's eye I still see it as it stood, with its amiable, +simple-mannered, old English inhabitants. + +The house derived its name from standing near, though not actually +on, the site of one of those rich old abbies, whose demesnes the pure +devotion of Henry the Eighth transferred from their former occupants +(who foolishly imagined they had a right to them, though they lacked +the might which is its essence,) to the members of his convenient +parliamentary chorus, who helped him to run down his Scotch octave of +wives. Of the abbey itself a very small portion remained: a gateway, +and a piece of a wall which formed part of the enclosure of an orchard, +wherein a curious series of fish-ponds, connected by sluices, was +fed from a contiguous stream with a perpetual circulation of fresh +water,--a sort of piscatorial panopticon, where all approved varieties +of fresh-water fish had been classified, each in its own pond, and kept +in good order, clean and fat, for the mortification of the flesh of the +monastic brotherhood on fast-days. + +The road which led to the Abbey House terminated as a carriage-road +with the house itself. Beyond it, a footpath over meadows conducted +across a ferry to a village about a mile distant. A large clump of old +walnut-trees stood on the opposite side of the road to a pair of massy +iron gates, which gave entrance to a circular gravel road, encompassing +a large smooth lawn, with a sun-dial in the centre, and bordered on both +sides with tall thick evergreens and flowering shrubs, interspersed in +the seasons with hollyhocks, sun-flowers, and other gigantic blossoms, +such as are splendid in distance. Within, immediately opposite the +gates, a broad flight of stone steps led to a ponderous portal, and +to a large antique hall, laid with a chequered pavement of black and +white marble. On the left side of the entrance was the porter's chair, +consisting of a cushioned seat, occupying the depth of a capacious +recess resembling a niche for a full-sized statue, a well-stuffed body +of black leather glittering with gold-headed nails. On the right of +this hall was the great staircase; on the left a passage to a wing +appropriated to the domestics. + +Facing the portal, a door opened into an inner hall, in the centre of +which was a billiard-table. On the right of this hall was a library; +on the left a parlour, which was the common sitting-room; and facing +the middle door was a glazed door, opening on the broad flight of stone +steps which led into the gardens. + +The gardens were in the old style: a large square lawn occupied an ample +space in the centre, separated by broad walks from belts of trees and +shrubs on each side; and in front were two advancing groves, with a long +wide vista between them, looking to the open country, from which the +grounds were separated by a terraced wall over a deep sunken dyke. One +of the groves we called the green grove, and the other the dark grove. +The first had a pleasant glade, with sloping banks covered with flowery +turf; the other was a mass of trees, too closely canopied with foliage +for grass to grow beneath them. + +The family consisted of a gentleman and his wife, with two daughters +and a son. The eldest daughter was on the confines of womanhood, the +youngest was little more than a child; the son was between them. I do +not know his exact age, but I was seven or eight, and he was two or +three years more. + +The family lived, from taste, in a very retired manner; but to the few +whom they received they were eminently hospitable. I was perhaps the +foremost among these few; for Charles, who was my schoolfellow, was +never happy in our holidays unless I was with him. A frequent guest +was an elderly male relation, much respected by the family,--but no +favourite of Charles, over whom he was disposed to assume greater +authority than Charles was willing to acknowledge. + +The mother and daughter had all the solid qualities which were +considered female virtues in the dark ages. Our enlightened age +has, wisely no doubt, discarded many of them, and substituted show +for solidity. The dark ages preferred the natural blossom, and the +fruit that follows it; the enlightened age prefers the artificial +double-blossom, which falls and leaves nothing. But the double blossom +is brilliant while it lasts; and when there is so much light, there +ought to be something to glitter in it. + +These ladies had the faculty of staying at home; and this was a +principal among the antique faculties that upheld the rural mansions of +the middling gentry. Ask Brighton, Cheltenham, _et id genus omne_, what +has become of that faculty. And ask the ploughshare what has become of +the rural mansions. + +They never, I think, went out of their own grounds but to church, or to +take their regular daily airing in the old family-carriage. The young +lady was an adept in preserving: she had one room, in a corner of the +hall, between the front and the great staircase, entirely surrounded +with shelves in compartments, stowed with classified sweetmeats, +jellies, and preserved fruits, the work of her own sweet hands. These +were distinguished ornaments of the supper-table; for the family dined +early, and maintained the old fashion of supper. A child would not +easily forget the bountiful and beautiful array of fruits, natural and +preserved, and the ample variety of preparations of milk, cream, and +custard, by which they were accompanied. The supper-table had matter for +all tastes. I remember what was most to mine. + +The young lady performed on the harpsichord. Over what a gulph of time +this name alone looks back! What a stride from that harpsichord to one +of Broadwood's last grand-pianos! And yet with what pleasure, as I +stood by the corner of the instrument, I listened to it, or rather to +her! I would give much to know that the worldly lot of this gentle and +amiable creature had been a happy one. She often gently remonstrated +with me for putting her harpsichord out of tune by playing the bells +upon it; but I was never in a serious scrape with her except once. I +had insisted on taking from the nursery-maid the handle of the little +girl's garden-carriage, with which I set off at full speed; and had not +run many yards before I overturned the carriage, and rolled out the +little girl. The child cried like Alice Fell, and would not be pacified. +Luckily she ran to her sister, who let me off with an admonition, +and the exaction of a promise never to meddle again with the child's +carriage. + +Charles was fond of romances. The "Mysteries of Udolpho," and all the +ghost and goblin stories of the day, were his familiar reading. I cared +little about them at that time; but he amused me by narrating their +grimmest passages. He was very anxious that the Abbey House should +be haunted; but it had no strange sights or sounds, and no plausible +tradition to hang a ghost on. I had very nearly accommodated him with +what he wanted. + +The garden-front of the house was covered with jasmine, and it was a +pure delight to stand in the summer twilight on the top of the stone +steps inhaling the fragrance of the multitudinous blossoms. One evening, +as I was standing on these steps alone, I saw something like the white +head-dress of a tall figure advance from the right-hand grove,--the dark +grove, as we called it,--and, after a brief interval, recede. This, at +any rate, looked awful. Presently it appeared again, and again vanished. +On which I jumped to my conclusion, and flew into the parlour with the +announcement that there was a ghost in the dark grove. The whole family +sallied forth to see the phenomenon. The appearances and disappearances +continued. All conjectured what it could be, but none could divine. In +a minute or two all the servants were in the hall. They all tried their +skill, and were all equally unable to solve the riddle. At last, the +master of the house leading the way, we marched in a body to the spot, +and unravelled the mystery. It was a large bunch of flowers on the +top of a tall lily, waving in the wind at the edge of the grove, and +disappearing at intervals behind the stem of a tree. My ghost, and the +compact phalanx in which we sallied against it, were long the subject of +merriment. It was a cruel disappointment to Charles, who was obliged to +abandon all hopes of having the house haunted. + +One day Charles was in disgrace with his elderly relation, who had +exerted sufficient authority to make him a captive in his chamber. +He was prohibited from seeing any one but me; and, of course, a most +urgent messenger was sent to me express. I found him in his chamber, +sitting by the fire, with a pile of ghostly tales, and an accumulation +of lead, which he was casting into dumps in a mould. Dumps, the +inexperienced reader must know, are flat circles of lead,--a sort of +petty quoits,--with which schoolboys amused themselves half a century +ago, and perhaps do so still, unless the march of mind has marched off +with such vanities. No doubt, in the "astounding progress of intellect," +the time will arrive when boys will play at philosophers instead of +playing at soldiers,--will fight with wooden arguments instead of wooden +swords,--and pitch leaden syllogisms instead of leaden dumps. Charles +was before the dawn of this new light. He had cast several hundred +dumps, and was still at work. The quibble did not occur to me at the +time; but, in after years, I never heard of a man in the dumps without +thinking of my schoolfellow. His position was sufficiently melancholy. +His chamber was at the end of a long corridor. He was determined not +to make any submission, and his captivity was likely to last till the +end of his holidays. Ghost-stories, and lead for dumps, were his stores +and provisions for standing the siege of _ennui_. I think, with the aid +of his sister, I had some share in making his peace; but, such is the +association of ideas, that, when I first read in Lord Byron's Don Juan, + + "I pass my evenings in long galleries solely, + And that's the reason I'm so melancholy," + +the lines immediately conjured up the image of poor Charles in the midst +of his dumps and spectres at the end of his own long gallery. + + + + + EPIGRAM. + BY JOYCE JOCUND. + + So well deserved is Roger's fame, + That friends who hear him most, advise + The EGOTIST to Change his name + To "Argus--with his hundred I's!" + + + [Illustration: The Spectre of Tappington] + + + + + FIRE-SIDE STORIES.--No. I. + THE SPECTRE OF TAPPINGTON. + +"It is very odd, though, what can have become of them?" said Charles +Seaforth, as he peeped under the valance of an old-fashioned bedstead, +in an old-fashioned apartment of a still more old-fashioned manor-house; +"'tis confounded odd, and I can't make it out at all. Why, Barney, where +are they? and where the d--l are you?" + +No answer was returned to this appeal; and the lieutenant, who was in +the main a reasonable person,--at least as reasonable a person as any +young gentleman of twenty-two in "the service" can fairly be expected +to be,--cooled when he reflected that his servant could scarcely reply +extempore to a summons which it was impossible he should hear. + +An application to the bell was the considerate result; and the footsteps +of as tight a lad as ever put pipe-clay to belt sounded along the +gallery. + +"Come in!" said his master. An ineffectual attempt upon the door +reminded Mr. Seaforth that he had locked himself in. "By Heaven! this is +the oddest thing of all," said he, as he turned the key and admitted Mr. +Maguire into his dormitory. + +"Barney, where are my pantaloons?" + +"Is it the breeches?" asked the valet, casting an inquiring eye round +the apartment; "is it the breeches, sir?" + +"Yes; what have you done with them?" + +"Sure then your honour had them on when you went to bed, and it's +hereabouts they'll be, I'll be bail;" and Barney lifted a fashionable +tunic from a cane-backed arm-chair, proceeding in his examination. +But the search was vain. There was the tunic aforesaid,--there was a +smart-looking kerseymere waistcoat; but the most important article in a +gentleman's wardrobe was still wanting. + +"Where _can_ they be?" asked the master with a strong accent on the +auxiliary verb. + +"Sorrow a know I knows," said the man. + +"It must have been the devil, then, after all, who has been here and +carried them off!" cried Seaforth, staring full into Barney's face. + +Mr. Maguire was not devoid of the superstition of his countrymen, but he +looked as if he did not subscribe to the _sequitur_. + +His master read incredulity in his countenance. "Why, I tell you, +Barney, I put them there, on that arm-chair, when I got into bed; and, +by Heaven! I distinctly saw the ghost of the old fellow they told me of, +come in at midnight, put on my pantaloons, and walk away with them." + +"Maybe so," was the cautious reply. + +"I thought, of course, it was a dream; but then,--where the d--l are the +breeches?" + +The question was more easily asked than answered. Barney renewed his +search, while the lieutenant folded his arms, and, leaning against the +toilet, sunk into a reverie. + +"After all, it must be some trick of my laughter-loving cousins," said +Seaforth. + +"Ah! then, the ladies!" chimed in Mr. Maguire, though the observation +was not addressed to him; "and will it be Miss Caroline, or Miss +Margaret, that's stole your honour's things?" + +"I hardly know what to think of it," pursued the bereaved lieutenant, +still speaking in soliloquy, with his eye resting dubiously on the +chamber door. "I locked myself in, that's certain; and--but there must +be some other entrance to the room--pooh! I remember--the private +staircase: how could I be such a fool?" and he crossed the chamber to +where a low oaken door-case was dimly visible in a distant corner. He +paused before it. Nothing now interfered to screen it from observation; +but it bore tokens of having been at some earlier period concealed by +tapestry, remains of which yet clothed the walls on either side the +portal. + +"This way they must have come," said Seaforth; "I wish with all my heart +I had caught them!" + +"Och! the kittens!" sighed Mr. Barney Maguire. + +But the mystery was yet as far from being solved as before. True, there +_was_ the "other door;" but then that, too, on examination, was even +more firmly secured than the one which opened on the gallery,--two heavy +bolts on the inside effectually prevented any _coup de main_ on the +lieutenant's _bivouac_ from that quarter. He was more puzzled than ever; +nor did the minutest inspection of the walls and floor throw any light +upon the subject: one thing only was clear,--the breeches were gone! "It +is _very_ singular," said the lieutenant. + + * * * * * + +Tappington (generally called Tapton) Everard, is an antiquated but +commodious manor-house in the eastern division of the county of Kent. A +former proprietor had been high sheriff in the days of Elizabeth, and +many a dark and dismal tradition was yet extant of the licentiousness of +his life, and the enormity of his offences. The Glen, which the keeper's +daughter was seen to enter, but never known to quit, still frowns darkly +as of yore; while an ineradicable bloodstain on the oaken stair yet bids +defiance to the united energies of soap and sand. But it is with one +particular apartment that a deed of more especial atrocity is said to be +connected. A stranger guest--so runs the legend--arrived unexpectedly at +the mansion of the "Bad Sir Giles." They met in apparent friendship; but +the ill-concealed scowl on their master's brow told the domestics that +the visit was not a welcome one. The banquet, however, was not spared; +the wine-cup circulated freely,--too freely, perhaps,--for sounds of +discord at length reached the ears of even the excluded serving-men as +they were doing their best to imitate their betters in the lower hall. +Alarmed, some of them ventured to approach the parlour; one, an old and +favoured retainer of the house, went so far as to break in upon his +master's privacy. Sir Giles, already high in oath, fiercely enjoined his +absence, and he retired; not, however, before he had distinctly heard +from the stranger's lips a menace that "There was that within his pocket +which could disprove the knight's right to issue that, or any other, +command within the walls of Tapton." + +The intrusion, though momentary, seemed to have produced a beneficial +effect; the voices of the disputants fell, and the conversation was +carried on thenceforth in a more subdued tone, till, as evening closed +in, the domestics, when summoned to attend with lights, found not only +cordiality restored, but that a still deeper carouse was meditated. +Fresh stoups, and from the choicest bins, were produced; nor was it +till at a late, or rather early, hour, that the revellers sought their +chambers. + +The one allotted to the stranger occupied the first floor of the +eastern angle of the building, and had once been the favourite apartment +of Sir Giles himself. Scandal ascribed this preference to the facility +which a private staircase, communicating with the grounds, had afforded +him, in the old knight's time, of following his wicked courses unchecked +by parental observation; a consideration which ceased to be of weight +when the death of his father left him uncontrolled master of his estate +and actions. From that period Sir Giles had established himself in what +were called the "state-apartments;" and the "oaken chamber" was rarely +tenanted, save on occasions of extraordinary festivity, or when the Yule +log drew an unusually large accession of guests around the Christmas +hearth. + +On this eventful night it was prepared for the unknown visitor, who +sought his couch heated and inflamed from his midnight orgies, and in +the morning was found in his bed a swollen and blackened corpse. No +marks of violence appeared upon the body; but the livid hue of the lips, +and certain dark-coloured spots visible on the skin, aroused suspicions +which those who entertained them were too timid to express. Apoplexy, +induced by the excesses of the preceding night, Sir Giles's confidential +leech pronounced to be the cause of his sudden dissolution: the body was +buried in peace; and, though some shook their heads as they witnessed +the haste with which the funeral rites were hurried on, none ventured to +murmur. Other events arose to distract the attention of the retainers; +men's minds became occupied by the stirring politics of the day, while +the near approach of that formidable armada, so vainly arrogating to +itself a title which the very elements joined with human valour to +disprove, soon interfered to weaken, if not obliterate, all remembrance +of the nameless stranger who had died within the walls of Tapton Everard. + +Years rolled on: the "Bad Sir Giles" had himself long since gone to his +account, the last, as it was believed, of his immediate line; though +a few of the older tenants were sometimes heard to speak of an elder +brother, who had disappeared in early life, and never inherited the +estate. Rumours, too, of his having left a son in foreign lands were at +one time rife; but they died away, nothing occurring to support them: +the property passed unchallenged to a collateral branch of the family, +and the secret, if secret there were, was buried in Denton churchyard, +in the lonely grave of the mysterious stranger. One circumstance alone +occurred, after a long intervening period, to revive the memory of these +transactions. Some workmen employed in grubbing an old plantation, for +the purpose of raising on its site a modern shrubbery, dug up, in the +execution of their task, the mildewed remnants of what seemed to have +been once a garment. On more minute inspection, enough remained of +silken slashes and a coarse embroidery to identify the relics as having +once formed part of a pair of trunk hose; while a few papers which fell +from them, altogether illegible from damp and age, were by the unlearned +rustics conveyed to the then owner of the estate. + +Whether the squire was more successful in deciphering them was never +known; he certainly never alluded to their contents; and little would +have been thought of the matter but for the inconvenient memory of one +old woman, who declared she had heard her grandfather say that when the +"stranger guest" was poisoned, though all the rest of his clothes were +there, his breeches, the supposed repository of the supposed documents, +could never be found. The master of Tapton Everard smiled when he heard +Dame Jones's hint of deeds which might impeach the validity of his own +title in favour of some unknown descendant of some unknown heir; and +the story was rarely alluded to, save by one or two miracle-mongers, +who had heard that others had seen the ghost of old Sir Giles, in his +night-cap, issue from the postern, enter the adjoining copse, and wring +his shadowy hands in agony as he seemed to search vainly for something +hidden among the evergreens. The stranger's death-room had, of course, +been occasionally haunted from the time of his decease; but the periods +of visitation had latterly become very rare,--even Mrs. Botherby, the +housekeeper, being forced to admit that, during her long sojourn at the +manor, she had never "met with anything worse than herself;" though, as +the old lady afterwards added upon more mature reflection, "I must say I +think I saw the devil once." + +Such was the legend attached to Tapton Everard, and such the story +which the lively Caroline Ingoldsby detailed to her equally mercurial +cousin Charles Seaforth, lieutenant in the Hon. East India Company's +second regiment of Bombay Fencibles, as arm-in-arm they promenaded a +gallery decked with some dozen grim-looking ancestral portraits, and, +among others, with that of the redoubted Sir Giles himself. The gallant +commander had that very morning paid his first visit to the house of +his maternal uncle, after an absence of several years passed with his +regiment on the arid plains of Hindostan, whence he was now returned +on a three years' furlough. He had gone out a boy,--he returned a man; +but the impression made upon his youthful fancy by his favourite cousin +remained unimpaired, and to Tapton he directed his steps, even before +he sought the home of his widowed mother,--comforting himself in this +breach of filial decorum by the reflection that, as the manor was so +little out of his way, it would be unkind to pass, as it were, the door +of his relatives without just looking in for a few hours. + +But he found his uncle as hospitable and his cousin more charming +than ever; and the looks of one, and the requests of the other, soon +precluded the possibility of refusing to lengthen the "few hours" into a +few days, though the house was at the moment full of visitors. + +The Peterses were there from Ramsgate; and Mr., Mrs., and the two Miss +Simpkinsons, from Bath, had come to pass a month with the family; +and Tom Ingoldsby had brought down his college friend the Honourable +Augustus Sucklethumbkin, with his groom and pointers, to take a +fortnight's shooting. And then there was Mrs. Ogleton, the rich young +widow, with her large black eyes, who, people did say, was setting her +cap at the young squire, though Mrs. Botherby did not believe it; and, +above all, there was Mademoiselle Pauline; her _femme de chambre_, who +"_Mon-Dieu_'d" everything and everybody, and cried "_Quel horreur!_" +at Mrs. Botherby's cap. In short, to use the last-named and much +respected lady's own expression, the house was "choke-full" to the +very attics,--all, save the "oaken chamber," which, as the lieutenant +expressed a most magnanimous disregard of ghosts, was forthwith +appropriated to his particular accommodation. Mr. Maguire meanwhile +was fain to share the apartment of Oliver Dobbs, the squire's own man; +a jocular proposal of joint occupancy having been first indignantly +rejected by "Mademoiselle," though preferred with the "laste taste in +life" of Mr. Barney's most insinuating brogue. + + * * * * * + +"Come, Charles, the urn is absolutely getting cold; your breakfast +will be quite spoiled: what can have made you so idle?" Such was the +morning salutation of Miss Ingoldsby to the _militaire_ as he entered +the breakfast-room half an hour after the latest of the party. + +"A pretty gentleman, truly, to make an appointment with," chimed in Miss +Margaret. "What is become of our ramble to the rocks before breakfast?" + +"Oh! the young men never think of keeping a promise now," said Mrs. +Peters, a little ferret-faced woman with underdone eyes. + +"When I was a young man," said Mr. Peters, "I remember I always made a +point of----" + +"Pray how long ago was that?" asked Mr. Simpkinson from Bath. + +"Why, sir, when I married Mrs. Peters, I was--let me see--I was----" + +"Do pray hold your tongue, P., and eat your breakfast!" interrupted his +better half, who had a mortal horror of chronological references; "it's +very rude to tease people with your family affairs." + +The lieutenant had by this time taken his seat in silence,--a +good-humoured nod, and a glance, half-smiling, half-inquisitive, being +the extent of his salutation. Smitten as he was, and in the immediate +presence of her who had made so large a hole in his heart, his manner +was evidently _distrait_, which the fair Caroline in her secret soul +attributed to his being solely occupied by her _agrémens_,--how would +she have bridled had she known that they only shared his meditations +with a pair of breeches! + +Charles drank his coffee and spiked some half-dozen eggs, darting +occasionally a penetrating glance at the ladies, in hope of detecting +the supposed waggery by the evidence of some furtive smile or conscious +look. But in vain! not a dimple moved indicative of roguery, nor did +the slightest elevation of eyebrow rise confirmative of his suspicions. +Hints and insinuations passed unheeded,--more particular inquiries were +out of the question:--the subject was unapproachable. + +In the mean time, "patent cords" were just the thing for a morning's +ride, and, breakfast ended, away cantered the party over the downs, +till, every faculty absorbed by the beauties, animate and inanimate, +which surrounded him, Lieutenant Seaforth of the Bombay Fencibles +bestowed no more thought upon his breeches than if he had been born on +the top of Ben Lomond. + + * * * * * + +Another night had passed away; the sun rose brilliantly, forming with +his level beams a splendid rainbow in the far-off west, whither the +heavy cloud, which for the last two hours had been pouring its waters on +the earth, was now flying before him. + +"Ah! then, and it's little good it'll be the claning of ye," +apostrophised Mr. Barney Maguire, as he deposited, in front of his +master's toilet, a pair of "bran-new" jockey boots, one of Hoby's +primest fits, which the lieutenant had purchased in his way through +town. On that very morning had they come for the first time under the +valet's depuriating hand, so little soiled, indeed, from the turfy ride +of the preceding day, that a less scrupulous domestic might, perhaps +have considered the application of "Warren's Matchless," or oxalic +acid, altogether superfluous. Not so Barney: with the nicest care had +he removed the slightest impurity from each polished surface, and there +they stood rejoicing in their sable radiance. No wonder a pang shot +across Mr. Maguire's breast as he thought on the work now cut out for +them, so different from the light labours of the day before; no wonder +he murmured with a sigh, as the scarce dried window-panes disclosed +a road now inch-deep in mud. "Ah! then, it's little good the claning +of ye!"--for well had he learned in the hell below that eight miles +of a stiff clay soil lay between the manor and Bolsover Abbey, whose +picturesque ruins, + + "Like ancient Rome, majestic in decay," + +the party had determined to explore. The master had already +commenced dressing, and the man was fitting straps upon a light +pair of crane-necked spurs, when his hand was arrested by the old +question,--"Barney, where are the breeches?" + + * * * * * + +Mr. Seaforth descended that morning, whip in hand, and equipped in +a handsome green riding-frock, but no "breeches and boots to match" +were there: loose jean trousers, surmounting a pair of diminutive +Wellingtons, embraced, somewhat incongruously, his nether man, _vice_ +the "patent cords," returned, like yesterday's pantaloons, absent +without leave. The "top-boots" had a holiday. + +"A fine morning after the rain," said Mr. Simpkinson from Bath. + +"Just the thing for the 'ops," said Mr. Peters. "I remember when +I was a boy----" + +"Do hold your tongue, P.," said Mrs. Peters,--advice which that +exemplary matron was in the constant habit of administering to "her +P.," as she called him, whenever he prepared to vent his reminiscences. +Her precise reason for this it would be difficult to determine, unless, +indeed, the story be true which a little bird had whispered into Mrs. +Botherby's ear,--Mr. Peters, though now a wealthy man, had received a +liberal education at a charity-school, and was apt to recur to the days +of his muffin-cap and leathers. As usual, he took his wife's hint in +good part, and "paused in his reply." + +"A glorious day for the Ruins!" said young Ingoldsby. "But, Charles, +what the deuce are you about?--you don't mean to ride through our lanes +in such toggery as that?" + +"Lassy me!" said Miss Julia Simpkinson, "won't you be very wet?" + +"You had better take Tom's cab," quoth the squire. + +But this proposition was at once overruled; Mrs. Ogleton had already +nailed the cab, a vehicle of all others the best adapted for a snug +flirtation. + +"Or drive Miss Julia in the phaeton?" No; that was the post of Mr. +Peters, who, indifferent as an equestrian, had acquired some fame as +a whip while travelling through the midland counties for the firm of +Bagshaw, Snivelby, and Ghrimes. + +"Thank you, I shall ride with my cousins," said Charles with as much +_nonchalance_ as he could assume,--and he did so; Mr. Ingoldsby, Mrs. +Peters, Mr. Simpkinson from Bath, and his eldest daughter with her +_album_, following in the family coach. The gentleman-commoner "voted +the affair d--d slow," and declined the party altogether in favour +of the gamekeeper and a cigar. "There was 'no fun' in looking at old +houses!" Mrs. Simpkinson preferred a short _séjour_ in the still-room +with Mrs. Botherby, who had promised to initiate her in that grand +_arcanum_, the transmutation of gooseberry jam into Guava jelly. + + * * * * * + +"Did you ever see an old abbey before, Mr. Peters?" + +"Yes, miss, a French one; we have got one at Ramsgate; he teaches the +Miss Joneses to parleyvoo, and is turned of sixty." + +Miss Simpkinson closed her album with an air of ineffable disdain. + +Mr. Simpkinson from Bath was a professed antiquary, and one of the first +water; he was master of Gwillim's Heraldry, and Milles's History of the +Crusades; knew every plate in the Monasticon, had written an essay on +the origin and dignity of the office of Overseer, and settled the date +of a Queen Anne's farthing. An influential member of the Antiquarian +Society, to whose "Beauties of Bagnigge Wells" he had been a liberal +subscriber, procured him a seat at the board of that learned body, +since which happy epoch Sylvanus Urban had not a more indefatigable +correspondent. His inaugural essay on the President's cocked hat was +considered a miracle of erudition; and his account of the earliest +application of gilding to gingerbread, a masterpiece of antiquarian +research. His eldest daughter was of a kindred spirit: if her father's +mantle had not fallen upon her, it was only because he had not thrown +it off himself; she had caught hold of its tail, however, while yet +upon his honoured shoulders. To souls so congenial what a sight was +the magnificent ruin of Bolsover! its broken arches, its mouldering +pinnacles, and the airy tracery of its half-demolished windows. The +party was in raptures; Mr. Simpkinson began to meditate an essay, and +his daughter an ode: even Seaforth, as he gazed on these lonely relics +of the olden time, was betrayed into a momentary forgetfulness of his +love and losses; the widow's eye-glass turned from her _cicisbeo_'s +whiskers to the mantling ivy; Mrs. Peters wiped her spectacles; and +"her P." pronounced the central tower to be "very like a mouldy Stilton +cheese,--only bigger." The squire was a philosopher, and had been there +often before; so he ordered out the cold tongue and chickens. + +"Bolsover Priory," said Mr. Simpkinson with the air of a +connoisseur,--"Bolsover Priory was founded in the reign of Henry the +Sixth, about the beginning of the eleventh century. Hugh de Bolsover had +accompanied that monarch to the Holy Land in the expedition undertaken +by way of penance for the murder of his young nephews in the Tower. +Upon the dissolution of the monasteries the veteran was enfeoffed in +the lands and manor, to which he gave his own name of Bowlsover, or +Bee-owls-over, (by corruption Bolsover,)--a Bee in chief, over three +Owls, all proper, being the armorial ensigns borne by this distinguished +crusader at the siege of Acre." + +"Ah! that was Sir Sidney Smith," said Mr. Peters; "I've heard of him, +and all about Mrs. Partington, and----" + +"P. be quiet, and don't expose yourself!" sharply interrupted his lady. +P. was silenced, and betook himself to the bottled stout. + +"These lands," continued the antiquary, "were held in grand serjeantry +by the presentation of three white owls and a pot of honey----" + +"Lassy me! how nice!" said Miss Julia. Mr. Peters licked his lips. + +"Pray give me leave, my dear----owls and honey, whenever the king +should come a rat-catching into this part of the country." + +"Rat-catching!" ejaculated the squire, pausing abruptly in the +mastication of a drumstick. + +"To be sure, my dear sir: don't you remember that rats once came under +the forest laws--a minor species of venison? 'Rats and mice, and such +small deer,' eh?--Shakspeare, you know. Our ancestors ate rats;" ("The +nasty fellows!" shuddered Miss Julia in a parenthesis) "and owls, you +know, are capital mousers----" + +"I've seen a howl," said Mr. Peters; "there's one in the Sohological +Gardens,--a little hook-nosed chap in a wig,--only it's feathers and----" + +Poor P. was destined never to finish a speech. + +"_Do_ be quiet!" cried the authoritative voice, and the would-be +naturalist shrank into his shell like a snail in the "Sohological +Gardens." + +"You should read Blount's 'Jocular Tenures,' Mr. Ingoldsby," pursued +Simpkinson. "A learned man was Blount! Why, sir, his Royal Highness the +Duke of York once paid a silver horse-shoe to Lord Ferrers----" + +"I've heard of him," broke in the incorrigible Peters; "he was hanged at +the Old Bailey in a silk rope for shooting Doctor Johnson." + +The antiquary vouchsafed no notice of the interruption; but, taking a +pinch of snuff, continued his harangue. + +"A silver horse-shoe, sir, which is due from every scion of royalty +who rides across one of his manors; and if you look into the penny +county histories, now publishing by an eminent friend of mine, you will +find that Langhale in Co. Norf. was held by one Baldwin _per saltum +sufflatum, et pettum_; that is, he was to come every Christmas into +Westminster Hall, there to take a leap, cry hem! and----" + +"Mr. Simpkinson, a glass of sherry?" cried Tom Ingoldsby hastily. + +"Not any, thank you, sir. This Baldwin, surnamed _Le ----_" + +"Mrs. Ogleton challenges you, sir; she insists upon it," said Tom still +more rapidly; at the same time filling a glass, and forcing it on +the sçavant, who, thus arrested in the very crisis of his narrative, +received and swallowed the potation as if it had been physic. + +"What on earth has Miss Simpkinson discovered there?" continued Tom; +"something of interest. See how fast she is writing." + +The diversion was effectual; every one looked towards Miss Simpkinson, +who, far too ethereal for "creature comforts," was seated apart on +the dilapidated remains of an altar-tomb, committing eagerly to paper +something that had strongly impressed her: the air,--the eye in a fine +frenzy rolling,--all betokened that the divine _afflatus_ was come. Her +father rose, and stole silently towards her. + +"What an old boar!" muttered young Ingoldsby; alluding, perhaps, to a +slice of brawn which he had just begun to operate upon, but which, from +the celerity with which it disappeared, did not seem so very difficult +of mastication. + +But what had become of Seaforth and his fair Caroline all this while? +Why, it so happened that they had been simultaneously stricken with the +picturesque appearance of one of those high and pointed arches, which +that eminent antiquary, Mr. Horseley Curties, describes as "a _Gothic_ +window of the _Saxon_ order;"--and then the ivy clustered so thickly +and so beautifully on the other side, that they went round to look at +that;--and then their proximity deprived it of half its effect, and +so they walked across to a little knoll, a hundred yards off, and, in +crossing a small ravine, they came to what in Ireland they call "a bad +step," and Charles had to carry his cousin over it;--and then, when +they had to come back, she would not give him the trouble again for the +world, so they followed a better but more circuitous route, and there +were hedges and ditches in the way, and stiles to get over, and gates to +get through; so that an hour or more had elapsed before they were able +to rejoin the party. + +"Lassy me!" said Miss Julia Simpkinson, "how long you have been gone!" + +And so they had. The remark was a very just as well as a very natural +one. They were gone a long while, and a nice cosey chat they had; and +what do you think it was all about, my dear miss? + +"Oh, lassy me! love, no doubt, and the moon, and eyes, and nightingales, +and----" + +Stay; stay, my sweet young lady; do not let the fervour of your feelings +run away with you! I do not pretend to say, indeed, that one or more +of these pretty subjects might not have been introduced; but the most +important and leading topic of the conference was--Lieutenant Seaforth's +breeches. + +"Caroline," said Charles, "I have had some very odd dreams since have +been at Tappington." + +"Dreams, have you?" smiled the young lady, arching her taper neck like a +swan in pluming. "Dreams, have you?" + +"Ay, dreams,--or dream, perhaps, I should say; for, though repeated, it +was still the same. And what do you imagine was its subject?" + +"It is impossible for me to divine," said the tongue; "I have not the +least difficulty in guessing," said the eye, as plainly as ever eye +spoke. + +"I dreamt of--your great grandfather!" + +There was a change in the glance--"My great grandfather?" + +"Yes, the old Sir Giles, or Sir John, you told me about the other day: +he walked into my bedroom in his short cloak of murrey-coloured velvet, +his long rapier, and his Ralegh-looking hat and feather, just as this +picture represents him; but with one exception." + +"And what was that?" + +"Why, his lower extremities, which were visible, were--those of a +skeleton." + +"Well!" + +"Well, after taking a turn or two about the room, and looking round him +with a wistful air, he came to the bed's foot, stared at me in a manner +impossible to describe,--and then he--he laid hold of my pantaloons, +whipped his long bony legs into them in a twinkling, and, strutting +up to the glass, seemed to view himself in it with great complacency. +I tried to speak, but in vain. The effort, however, seemed to excite +his attention; for, wheeling about, he showed me the grimmest-looking +death's head you can well imagine, and with an indescribable grin +strutted out of the room." + +"Absurd, Charles! How can you talk such nonsense?" + +"But, Caroline,--the breeches are really gone!" + + * * * * * + +On the following morning, contrary to his usual custom, Seaforth was +the first person in the breakfast-parlour. As no one else was present, +he did precisely what nine young men out of ten so situated would have +done; he walked up to the mantelpiece, established himself upon the +rug, and subducting his coat-tails one under each arm, turned towards +the fire that portion of the human frame which it is considered equally +indecorous to present to a friend or an enemy. A serious, not to say +anxious, expression was visible upon his good-humoured countenance, and +his mouth was fast buttoning itself up for an incipient whistle, when +little Flo, a tiny spaniel of the Blenheim breed,--the pet object of +Miss Julia Simpkinson's affections,--bounced out from beneath a sofa, +and began to bark at--his pantaloons. + +They were cleverly "built," of a light grey mixture, a broad stripe of +the most vivid scarlet traversing each seam in a perpendicular direction +from hip to ancle,--in short, the regimental costume of the Royal Bombay +Fencibles. The animal, educated in the country, had never seen such a +pair of breeches in her life--_Omne ignotum pro magnifico!_ The scarlet +streak, inflamed as it was by the reflection of the fire, seemed to +act on Flora's nerves as the same colour does on those of bulls and +turkeys, she advanced at the _pas de charge_; and her vociferation, like +her amazement, was unbounded. A sound kick from the disgusted officer +changed its character, and induced a retreat at the very moment when the +mistress of the pugnacious quadruped entered to the rescue. + +"Lassy me! Flo! what _is_ the matter?" cried the sympathising lady, with +a scrutinizing glance levelled at the gentleman. + +It might as well have lighted on a feather-bed.--His air of +imperturbable unconsciousness defied examination; and as he would not, +and Flora could not, expound, that injured individual was compelled +to pocket up her wrongs. Others of the household soon dropped in, and +clustered round the board dedicated to the most sociable of meals; +the urn was paraded "hissing hot," and the cups which "cheer, but not +inebriate," steamed redolent of hyson and pekoe; muffins and marmalade, +newspapers and Finnon haddies, left little room for observation on +the character of Charles's warlike "turn-out." At length a look from +Caroline, followed by a smile that nearly ripened to a titter, caused +him to turn abruptly and address his neighbour. It was Miss Simpkinson, +who, deeply engaged in sipping her tea and turning over her album, +seemed, like a female Chrononotonthologos, "immersed in congibundity +of cogitation." An interrogatory on the subject of her studies drew +from her the confession that she was at that moment employed in putting +the finishing touches to a poem inspired by the romantic shades of +Bolsover. The entreaties of the company were of course urgent. Mr. +Peters, who "liked verses," was especially persevering, and Sappho at +length compliant. After a preparatory hem! and a glance at the mirror +to ascertain that her look was sufficiently sentimental, the poetess +began:-- + + "There is a calm, a holy feeling, + Vulgar minds can never know, + O'er the bosom softly stealing,-- + Chasten'd grief, delicious woe! + Oh! how sweet at eve regaining + Yon lone tower's sequester'd shade-- + Sadly mute and uncomplaining----" + +--Yow!--yeough!--yeough!--yow!--yow! yelled a hapless sufferer from +beneath the table.--It was an unlucky hour for quadrupeds; and if "every +dog will have his day," he could not have selected a more unpropitious +one than this. Mrs. Ogleton, too, had a pet,--a favourite pug,--whose +squab figure, black muzzle, and tortuosity of tail, that curled like a +head of celery in a salad-bowl, bespoke his Dutch extraction. Yow! yow! +yow! continued the brute,--a chorus in which Flo instantly joined. +Sooth to say, pug had more reason to express his dissatisfaction than +was given him by the muse of Simpkinson; the other only barked for +company. Scarcely had the poetess got through her first stanza, when +Tom Ingoldsby, in the enthusiasm of the moment, became so lost to the +material world, that, in his abstraction, he unwarily laid his hand on +the cock of the urn. Quivering with emotion, he gave it such an unlucky +twist, that the full stream of its scalding contents descended on the +gingerbread hide of the unlucky Cupid. The confusion was complete; the +whole economy of the table disarranged; the company broke up in most +admired disorder; and "vulgar minds will never know" anything more of +Miss Simpkinson's ode till they peruse it in some forthcoming annual. + +Seaforth profited by the confusion to take the delinquent who had caused +this "stramash" by the arm, and to lead him to the lawn, where he had +a word or two for his private ear. The conference between the young +gentlemen was neither brief in its duration, nor unimportant in its +result. The subject was what the lawyers call tripartite, embracing the +information that Charles Seaforth was over head and ears in love with +Tom Ingoldsby's sister; secondly, that the lady had referred him to +"papa" for his sanction; thirdly and lastly, his nightly visitations and +consequent bereavement. At the two first items Tom smiled auspiciously; +at the last he burst out into an absolute "guffaw." + +"Steal your breeches? Miss Bailey over again, by Jove!" shouted +Ingoldsby. "But a gentleman, you say, and Sir Giles too--I am not sure, +Charles, whether I ought not to call you out for aspersing the honour of +the family!" + +"Laugh as you will, Tom,--be as incredulous as you please. One fact is +incontestible,--the breeches are gone! Look here--I am reduced to my +regimentals; and if these go, to-morrow I must borrow of you!" + +Rochefoucault says, there in something in the misfortunes of our very +best friends that does not displease us; certainly we can, most of us, +laugh at their petty inconveniences, till called upon to supply them. +Tom composed his features on the instant, and replied with more gravity, +as well as with an expression, which, if my Lord Mayor had been within +hearing, might have cost him five shillings. + +"There is something very queer in this, after all. The clothes, you say, +have positively disappeared. Somebody is playing you a trick, and, ten +to one, your servant has a hand in it. By the way, I heard something +yesterday of his kicking up a bobbery in the kitchen, and seeing a +ghost, or something of that kind, himself. Depend upon it, Barney is in +the plot!" + +It struck the lieutenant at once that the usually buoyant spirits of +his attendant had of late been materially sobered down, his loquacity +obviously circumscribed, and that he, the said lieutenant, had actually +rung his bell three several times that very morning before he could +procure his attendance. Mr. Maguire was forthwith summoned, and +underwent a close examination. The "bobbery" was easily explained. Mr. +Oliver Dobbs had hinted his disapprobation of a flirtation carrying +on between the gentleman from Munster and the lady from the Rue St. +Honoré. Mademoiselle boxed Mr. Maguire's ears, and Mr. Maguire pulled +Mademoiselle upon his knee, and the lady did _not_ cry _Mon Dieu!_ And +Mr. Oliver Dobbs said it was very wrong; and Mrs. Botherby said it was +scandalous, and what ought not to be done in any moral kitchen; and +Mr. Maguire had got hold of the Honourable Augustus Sucklethumbkin's +powder-flask, and had put large pinches of the best double Dartford into +Mr. Dobbs' tobacco-box; and Mr. Dobbs' pipe had exploded and set fire +to Mrs. Botherby's Sunday cap, and Mr. Maguire had put it out with the +slop-basin, "barring the wig;" and then they were all so "cantankerous," +that Barney had gone to take a walk in the garden; and then--then Mr. +Barney had seen a ghost! + +"A what? you blockhead!" asked Tom Ingoldsby. + +"Sure then, and it's meself will tell your honour the rights of it," +said the ghost-seer. "Meself and Miss Pauline, sir--or Miss Pauline +and meself, for the ladies comes first any how,--we got tired of the +hobstroppylous skrimmaging among the ould servants, that didn't know a +joke when they seen one; and we went out to look at the Comet,--that's +the Rory-Bory-alehouse, they calls him in this country,--and we walked +upon the lawn, and divel of any alehouse there was there at all; and +Miss Pauline said it was becase of the shrubbery maybe, and why wouldn't +we see it better beyonst the trees? and so we went to the trees, but +sorrow a Comet did meself see there, barring a big ghost instead of it." + +"A ghost? And what sort of a ghost, Barney?" + +"Och, then, divel a lie I'll tell your honour. A tall ould gentleman he +was, all in white, with a shovel on his shoulder, and a big torch in +his fist,--though what he wanted with that it's meself can't tell, for +his eyes were like gig-lamps, let alone the moon and the Comet, which +wasn't there at all; and 'Barney,' says he to me,--'cause why he knew +me,--'Barney,' says he, 'what is it you're doing with the colleen there, +Barney?' Divel a word did I say. Miss Pauline screeched, and cried +murther in French, and ran off with herself; and of coorse meself was in +a mighty hurry after the lady, and had no time to stop palavering with +him any way; so I dispersed at once, and the ghost vanished in a flame +of fire!" + +Mr. Maguire's account was received with avowed incredulity by both +gentlemen; but Barney stuck to his text with unflinching pertinacity. A +reference to Mademoiselle was suggested, but abandoned, as neither party +had a taste for delicate investigations. + +"I'll tell you what, Seaforth," said Ingoldsby, after Barney had +received his dismissal; "that there is a trick here, is evident; and +Barney's vision may possibly be a part of it. Whether he is most knave +or fool, you best know. At all events, I will sit up with you to-night, +and see if I can convert my ancestor into a visiting acquaintance. +Meanwhile your finger on your lip!" + + * * * * * + + "'Twas now the very witching time of night, + When churchyards yawn, and graves give up their dead." + +Gladly would I grace my tale with decent horror, and therefore I do +beseech the "gentle reader" to believe, that if all the _succedanea_ to +this mysterious narrative are not in strict keeping, he will ascribe +it only to the disgraceful innovations of modern degeneracy upon the +sober and dignified habits of our ancestors. I can introduce him, it is +true, into an old and high-roofed chamber, its walls covered on three +sides with black oak wainscoting, adorned with carvings of fruit and +flowers long anterior to those of Grinling Gibbons; the fourth side is +clothed with a curious remnant of dingy tapestry, once elucidatory of +some Scriptural history, but of _which_ not even Mrs. Botherby could +determine. Mr. Simpkinson, who had examined it carefully, inclined to +believe the principal figure to be either Bathsheba or Daniel in the +lions' den; while Tom Ingoldsby decided in favour of the King of Bashan. +All, however, was conjecture; tradition being silent on the subject. A +lofty arched portal led into, and a little arched portal led out of, +this apartment; they were opposite each other, and both possessed the +security of massy bolts on the interior. The bedstead, too, was not one +of yesterday; but manifestly coeval with days ere Seddons was, and when +a good four-post "article" was deemed worthy of being a royal bequest. +The bed itself, with all the appurtenances of paillasse, mattresses, &c. +was of far later date, and looked most incongruously comfortable; the +casements, too, with their little diamond-shaped panes and iron binding, +had given way to the modern heterodoxy of the sash-window. Nor was this +all that conspired to ruin the costume, and render the room a meet haunt +for such "mixed spirits" only as could condescend to don at the same +time an Elizabethan doublet and Bond-street inexpressibles. With their +green morocco slippers on a modern fender in front of a disgracefully +modern grate, sat two young gentlemen, clad in "shawl-pattern" +dressing-gowns and black silk stocks, much at variance with the high +cane-backed chairs which supported them. A bunch of abomination, called +a cigar, reeked in the left-hand corner of the mouth of one, and in the +right-hand corner of the mouth of the other;--an arrangement happily +adapted for the escape of the noxious fumes up the chimney, without that +unmerciful "funking" each other, which a less scientific disposition +would have induced. A small pembroke table filled up the intervening +space between them, sustaining, at each extremity, an elbow and glass of +toddy; and thus in "lonely pensive contemplation" were the two worthies +occupied, when the "iron tongue of midnight had tolled twelve." + +"Ghost-time's come!" said Ingoldsby, taking from his waistcoat pocket a +watch like a gold half-crown, and consulting it as though he suspected +the turret-clock over the stables of mendacity. + +"Hush!" said Charles; "did I not hear a footstep?" + +There was a pause: there _was_ a footstep--it sounded distinctly--it +reached the door--it hesitated, stopped, and--passed on. + +Tom darted across the room, threw open the door, and became aware of +Mrs. Botherby toddling to her chamber at the other end of the gallery, +after dosing one of the housemaids with an approved julep from the +Countess of Kent's "Choice Manual." + +"Good night, sir!" said Mrs. Botherby. + +"Go to the d--l!" said the disappointed ghost-hunter. + +A hour--two--rolled on, and still no spectral visitation, nor did aught +intervene to make night hideous; and when the turret-clock sounded at +length the hour of three, Ingoldsby, whose patience and grog were alike +exhausted, sprang from his chair, saying, + +"This is all infernal nonsense, my good fellow. Deuce of any ghost shall +we see to-night; it's long past the canonical hours. I'm off to bed; and +as to your breeches, I'll ensure them for twenty-four hours at least, at +the price of the buckram." + +"Certainly. Oh! thankye; to be sure!" stammered Charles, rousing himself +from a reverie, which had degenerated into an absolute snooze. + +"Good night, my boy. Bolt the door behind me; and defy the Pope, the +Devil, and the Pretender!" + +Seaforth followed his friend's advice, and the next morning came down to +breakfast dressed in the habiliments of the preceding day. The charm was +broken, the demon defeated; the light greys with the red stripe down the +seams were yet in _rerum naturâ_, and adorned the person of their lawful +proprietor. + +Tom felicitated himself and his partner of the watch on the result of +their vigilance; but there is a rustic adage, which warns us against +self-gratulation before we are quite "out of the wood."--Seaforth was +yet within its verge. + + * * * * * + +A rap at Tom Ingoldsby's door the next morning startled him as he was +shaving: he cut his chin. + +"Come in, and be d--d to you!" said the martyr, pressing his thumb on +the wounded epidermis. The door opened and exhibited Mr. Barney Maguire. +"Well, Barney, what is it?" quoth the sufferer, adopting the vernacular +of his visitant. + +"The Master, sir----" + +"Well, what does he want?" + +"The loanst of a breeches, plase your honour." + +"Why, you don't mean to tell me----By Heaven, this is too good!" +shouted Tom, bursting into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. "Why, +Barney, you don't mean to say the ghost has got them again?" + +Mr. Maguire did not respond to the young squire's risibility; the cast +of his countenance was decidedly serious. + +"Faith, then, it's gone they are, sure enough. Hasn't meself been +looking over the bed, and under the bed, and in the bed, for the matter +of that, and divel a ha'p'orth of breeches is there to the fore at all: +I'm bothered entirely!" + +"Harkye! Mr. Barney," said Tom, incautiously removing his thumb, and +letting a crimson stream "incarnadine the multitudinous" lather that +plastered his throat,--"this may be all very well with your master, but +you don't humbug me, sir: tell me instantly what have you done with the +clothes?" + +This abrupt transition from "lively to severe" certainly took Maguire +by surprise, and he seemed for an instant as much disconcerted as it is +possible to disconcert an Irish gentleman's gentleman. + +"Me? is it meself, then, that's the ghost to your honour's thinking?" +said he, after a moment's pause, and with a slight shade of indignation +in his tones; "is it I would stale the master's things,--and what would +I do with them?" + +"That you best know: what your purpose is I can't guess, for I don't +think you mean to 'stale' them, as you call it; but that you are +concerned in their disappearance, I am satisfied. Confound this +blood!--give me a towel, Barney." + +Maguire acquitted himself of the commission. "As I've a sowl, your +honour," said he solemnly, "little it is meself knows of the matter; and +after what I seen----" + +"What you've seen? Why, what _have_ you seen? Barney, I don't want to +inquire into your flirtations; but don't suppose you can palm off your +saucer eyes and gig-lamps upon me!" + +"Then, as sure as your honour's standing there, I saw him; and why +wouldn't I, when Miss _Pauline_ was to the fore as well as meself, +and----" + +"Get along with your nonsense,--leave the room, sir!" + +"But the master?" said Barney imploringly; "and the breeches?--sure +he'll be catching cowld!" + +"Take that, rascal!" replied Ingoldsby, throwing a pair of pantaloons +at, rather than to, him; "but don't suppose, sir, you shall carry +on your tricks with impunity; recollect there is such a thing as a +tread-mill, and that my father is a county magistrate." + +Barney's eye flashed fire,--he stood erect and was about to speak; but, +mastering himself, not without an effort, he took up the garment, and +left the room as perpendicular as a Quaker. + + * * * * * + +"Ingoldsby," said Charles Seaforth, after breakfast, "this is now past +a joke; to-day is the last of my stay, for, notwithstanding the ties +which detain me, common decency obliges me to visit home after so long +an absence. I shall come to an immediate explanation with your father on +the subject nearest my heart, and depart while I have a change of dress +left. On his answer will my return depend; in the mean time tell me +candidly,--I ask it in all seriousness and as a friend,--am I not a dupe +to your well-known propensity to hoaxing? have you not a hand in----" + +"No, by Heaven! Seaforth; I see what you mean: on my honour, I am as +much mystified as yourself; and if your servant----" + +"Not he: if there be a trick, he at least is not privy to it." + +"If there _be_ a trick? why, Charles, do you think----" + +"I know not _what_ to think, Tom. As surely as you are a living man, so +surely did that spectral anatomy visit my room again last night, grin in +my face, and walk away with my trousers; nor was I able to spring from +my bed, or break the chain which seemed to bind me to my pillow." + +"Seaforth," said Ingoldsby, after a short pause, "I will--But hush! here +are the girls and my father. I will carry off the females, and leave you +clear field with the Governor: carry your point with him, and we will +talk about your breeches afterwards." + +Tom's diversion was successful: he carried off the ladies _en masse_ +to look at a remarkable specimen of the class _Dodecandria Monogynia_, +which they could not find; while Seaforth marched boldly up to the +encounter, and carried "the Governor's" outworks by a _coup de main_. I +shall not stop to describe the progress of the attack; suffice it that +it was as successful as could have been wished, and that Seaforth was +referred back again to the lady. The happy lover was off at a tangent; +the botanical party was soon overtaken; and the arm of Caroline, whom a +vain endeavour to spell out the Linnæan name of a daffy-down-dilly had +detained a little in the rear of the others, was soon firmly locked in +his own. + + "What was the world to them, + Its noise, its nonsense, and its 'breeches' all?" + +Seaforth was in the seventh heaven; he retired to his room that night +as happy as if no such thing as a goblin had ever been heard of, and +personal chattels were as well fenced in by law as real property. Not +so Tom Ingoldsby: the mystery--for mystery there evidently was,--had +not only piqued his curiosity, but ruffled his temper. The watch of +the previous night had been unsuccessful, probably because it was +undisguised. Tonight he would "ensconce himself,"--not indeed "behind +the arras,"--for the little that remained was, as we have seen, nailed +to the wall,--but in a small closet which opened from one corner of the +room, and, by leaving the door ajar, would give its occupant a view of +all that might pass in the apartment. Here did the young ghost-hunter +take up a position, with a good stout sapling under his arm, a full +half-hour before Seaforth retired for the night. Not even his friend did +he let into his confidence, fully determined that if his plan did not +succeed, the failure should be attributed to himself alone. + +At the usual hour of separation for the night, Tom saw, from his +concealment, the lieutenant enter his room; and, after taking a few +turns in it, with an expression so joyous as to betoken that his +thoughts were mainly occupied by his approaching happiness, proceed +slowly to disrobe himself. The coat, the waistcoat, the black silk +stock, were gradually discarded; the green morocco slippers were kicked +off, and then--ay, and then--his countenance grew grave; it seemed to +occur to him all at once that this was his last stake,--nay, that the +very breeches he had on were not his own,--that to-morrow morning was +his last, and that if he lost _them_----A glance showed that his mind +was made up; he replaced the single button he had just subducted, and +threw himself upon the bed in a state of transition, half chrysalis, +half grub. + +Wearily did Tom Ingoldsby watch the sleeper by the flickering light of +the night-lamp, till the clock, striking one, induced him to increase +the narrow opening which he had left for the purpose of observation. The +motion, slight as it was, seemed to attract Charles's attention; for he +raised himself suddenly to a sitting posture, listened for a moment, +and then stood upright upon the floor. Ingoldsby was on the point of +discovering himself, when, the light flashing full upon his friend's +countenance, he perceived that, though his eyes were open, "their sense +was shut,"--that he was yet under the influence of sleep. Seaforth +advanced slowly to the toilet, lit his candle at the lamp that stood on +it, then, going back to the bed's foot, appeared to search eagerly for +something which he could not find. For a few moments he seemed restless +and uneasy, walking round the apartment and examining the chairs, +till, coming fully in front of a large swing-glass that flanked the +dressing-table, he paused, as if contemplating his figure in it. He now +returned towards the bed, put on his slippers, and, with cautious and +stealthy steps, proceeded towards the little arched doorway that opened +on the private staircase. + +As he drew the bolt, Tom Ingoldsby emerged from his hiding-place; +but the sleep-walker heard him not: he proceeded softly down stairs, +followed at a due distance by his friend, opened the door which led out +upon the gardens, and stood at once among the thickest of the shrubs, +which there clustered round the base of a corner turret, and screened +the postern from common observation. At this moment Ingoldsby had nearly +spoiled all by making a false step: the sound attracted Seaforth's +attention, he paused and turned; and, as the full moon shed her light +direct upon his pale and troubled features, Tom marked, almost with +dismay, the fixed and rayless appearance of his eyes: + + "There was no speculation in those orbs + That he did glare withal," + +The perfect stillness preserved by his follower seemed to reassure +him; he turned aside, and, from the midst of a thickset laurustinus, +drew forth a gardener's spade, shouldering which he proceeded with +greater rapidity into the midst of the shrubbery. Arrived at a certain +point, where the earth seemed to have been recently disturbed, he +set himself heartily to the task of digging; till, having thrown up +several shovelfuls of mould, he stopped, flung down his tool, and very +composedly began to disencumber himself of his pantaloons. + +Up to this moment Tom had watched him with a wary eye; he now advanced +cautiously, and, as his friend was busily engaged in disentangling +himself from his garment, made himself master of the spade. Seaforth, +meanwhile, had accomplished his purpose; he stood for a moment with + + "His streamers waving in the wind," + +occupied in carefully rolling up the small-clothes into as compact a +form as possible, and all heedless of the breath of heaven, which might +certainly be supposed at such a moment, and in such a plight, to "visit +his frame too roughly." + +He was in the act of stooping low to deposit the pantaloons in the grave +which he had been digging for them, when Tom Ingoldsby came close behind +him, and with the flat of the spade---- + + * * * * * + +The shock was effectual; never again was Lieutenant Seaforth known to +act the part of a somnambulist. One by one, his breeches, his trousers, +his pantaloons, his silk-net tights, his patent cords, and his showy +greys with the broad red stripe of the Bombay Fencibles, were brought +to light, rescued from the grave in which they had been buried, like +the straw of a Christmas pie; and, after having been well aired by Mrs. +Botherby, became once again effective. + +The family, the ladies especially, laughed; Barney Maguire cried +"Botheration!" and _Ma'mselle Pauline_, "_Mon Dieu!_" + +Charles Seaforth, unable to face the quizzing which awaited him on all +sides, started off two hours earlier than he had proposed: he soon +returned, however; and having, at his father-in-law's request, given up +the occupation of Rajah hunting and shooting Nabobs, led his blushing +bride to the altar. + +Mr. Simpkinson from Bath did not attend the ceremony, being engaged +at the Grand Junction Meeting of _Sçavans_, then congregating from +all parts of the known world, in the city of Dublin. His essay, +demonstrating that the globe is a great custard, whipped into +coagulation by whirlwinds, and cooked by electricity,--a little too +much baked in the Isle of Portland, and a thought underdone about the +Bog of Allen,--is highly spoken of and, it is supposed, will obtain a +Bridgewater prize. + +Miss Simpkinson and her sister acted as bridesmaids on the occasion; +the former wrote an _epithalamium_, and the latter cried "Lassy me!" +at the clergyman's wig. But as of these young ladies, of the fair +widow, Mr. Sucklethumbkin, Mrs. Peters and her P. we may have more +to say hereafter, we take our leave for the present; assuring our +pensive public that Mr. and Mrs. Seaforth are living together quite as +happily as two good-hearted, good-tempered bodies, very fond of each +other, can possibly do; and that since the day of his marriage Charles +has shown no disposition to jump out of bed, or ramble out of doors +o' nights,--though, from his entire devotion to every wish and whim +of his young wife, Tom insinuates that the fair Caroline does still +occasionally take advantage of it so far as to "slip on the Breeches." + + + + + THE WIDE AWAKE CLUB. + BY RIGDUM O'FUNNIDOS. + +The clubs of London! I recollect once reading a book so called; but +as for any _bonâ fide_ information touching the _soi disant_ social +assemblies, I might as well have been perusing the Shaster, or reading +the Florentine copy of the Pandects! _The_ clubs of London afford, as I +have reason to know, ample material for the most abundant fun; but they +who expect to find it at Crockford's, the Athenæum, and other _maisons +de jeu_, where yawning dandies, expert _chevaliers_, old men of the +town, _roués_ of all sorts, + + Mingle, mingle, mingle, + As they mingle may, + +will be wofully disappointed. The clubs, _par excellence_, take them one +and all,--from the Oriental, stuck, with a due disposition and attention +to habits of Eastern indolence, in the dullest corner of the dullest +square in London, down to, or up to, I care not which, the staring +bow-windowed Omnibus Union in Cockspur-street,--are all alike destitute +of the requisite material. I perhaps may have a touch at them in the +middle of the session and season, when the _élite_ of the club-men +are in town, and when their sayings and doings may by possibility be +worth recording, even if it were only to have a laugh over them. But, +as Copp says, "let that pass for the present." The clubs that I intend +to introduce to the readers of the Miscellany are certain of those +convivial associations composed of the middlemen of society in the +metropolis, who assemble on certain stated nights in the week to sing +songs, smoke pipes, and imbibe moisture in the shape of divers goes of +spirit and pints of ale. My reminiscences of these assemblies, I think, +would fill a goodly tome. To begin with the last, Hebrew fashion. In was +my lot one evening, a short time since, to be introduced by Mr. Timmins, +my landlord, who, seeing I was rather low-spirited, volunteered the +invitation, on a social community called the "WIDE AWAKE CLUB." + +"Sir," said Mr. Timmins,--a very worthy knight of the needle, who called +me "the genelman wot lodges in my first floor," (whether up or down the +chimney, deponent sayeth not,)--"you looks werry oncomfutable this here +nasty evening. Prowisin it ain't takin' of too great a liberty, and you +feel noways disinclined, I think an hour or two at our club--(I have the +privilege of introducing a wisitor wot I can answer for in regard to +respectability)--might do you good." + +"And pray, Mr. Timmins, what is the character of your club?"--"Oh! +sir, the character of our club is _on_-doubted, sir; we are all men of +experence, sir: no one is admitted a member _on_less he shows he is a +_wide awake_ cove." + +"What do you mean by a wide awake cove," said I, "Mr. Timmins?"--"Vy," +said Timmins, "there's no von hellgibble to be a member on our society +but what gets a woucher from a member that he has a summut to say, and +prove wot has made him _wide awake_,--that is to say, more up and down +to the ways of the world than the generality of people, by experence." + +"You mean, if I understand you rightly, Mr. Timmins, that your club is +one where a certain number of persons meet to spend the social hours of +relaxation in giving each other the tale of some particular event or +occurrence that has taught them to know there is more roguery in the +world than certain philanthropists would lend us to believe."--"You've +hit it, sir," said Timmins; "down as a hammer." + +"Well, Timmins, I shall be happy to join you," I replied. + +During our walk, in answer to certain questions, Timmins informed me +that the president of the club was a Mr. Phiggins, a retired draper; +and that the leading members were Mr. Pounce, a lawyer's clerk, Mr. Bob +Jinks, a butcher, Mr. Shortcut, a tobacconist, Mr. Sprigs, a fruiterer. +"But," said Timmins, "you'll know them all in five minutes. I don't +think this wet evening, there will be a strong muster: howsomdever, we +can console ourselves that, if not numerous, we are select." + +"Very proper consolation, Timmins," said I. + +When we arrived at the _Three Pies_, the sign of the house where the +club was held, Timmins went up stairs to communicate the fact of my +being below, and to assure the company that all was regular and right, +as he said; and shortly afterwards I was ushered into the presence, +and introduced to the worthies previously named. The president, a +jolly-looking man about fifty, sat in an elevated chair at the top of +a long table, which gave a goodly display of pipes, glasses of grog, +&c. On each side, the members sat at their most perfect ease, smoking +and chatting. It would appear that they had been at business some time, +for it seemed ebb-tide with the contents of the glasses; and several +worthies were in the act of knocking the ashes out of their respective +pipes. After ordering a glass of punch and a segar, and another for +Timmins, a conversation which was going on before we came in was +resumed, of which the following is a faithful report. + +"That puts me in mind of M'Flummery," said Pounce, the lawyer's clerk, +putting his hand--accidentally, I suppose, of course,--into Shortcut's +open screw of tobacco, and filling his pipe therefrom; "I mean him as +was hung at the Old Bailey some ten years back." + +"And what was he hung for?" asked the president.--"Why, not exactly for +his good behaviour. He set out in life as heavy a swell as ever flowed +up in the regions of the West End--carried on the game for about a dozen +years in bang-up style.--My eye! how precious drunk he made Snatch'em, +the bum, and I, one night as we pinned him coming home in his cab from +the Opera to give a champaign supper at the Clarendon." + +"Champaign supper?" said the president. "Why, champaign is a wine; and +no man, I maintain, can make a supper off wine, 'coz wine is drink, and +supper, it stands to reason, is eating." + +"And no mistake," said Shortcut. + +"With submission, Mr. Chair," replied Pounce, "I'll explain. This +champaign supper meant a regular slap-up feed; but no one was allowed +any other drink with their grub, but champaign punch made with green tea +in a silver kettle." + +"I pity their stint," said Jinks. + +"Ay," said the president, "that stands to reason. But how did it happen +this gentleman came to be hanged?"--"Why," continued Pounce, "I was +a-coming to that point. As I said just now, there never was a greater +dasher at the West End than this M'Flummery; but, like many other +swells, he was very often lodging in Queer-street for the want of the +ready. One day he came to my old master Snaps, of the Temple, when I +was managing common-law clerk,--for, you see, he knew my governor well, +seeing that he had issued about fourteen writs against him. I never +shall forget the day he came: it was a precious wet 'un. He drove up to +the gate in a jarvey, and sent a porter down to our office to know if +Snaps was in, without sending his name. So Snaps sends me to see who it +was, and bring him down. When I got up to the coach, I spied M'Flummery. +'Ah! my man,' says he, quite familiar, 'how do you like champaign punch? +Here, just pay this fellow his fare,' says he, quite off-hand. 'I've no +change about me;' and off he bolts under the gateway, leaving me to fork +out an unknown man. Well! how was I to know what the Jarvey's fare was? +That was a pozer. I wasn't going to ask him, 'How much?' or where he +took up. No! I was too _wide awake_!" + +"WIDE AWAKE!" said the chairman, and down went a hammer of appropriate +brass upon the table three times. + +"Hear! hear! hear!" responded _omnes_. + +"So I tipped two shillings. 'Vot's this for?' said coachee, holding it +open in his hand, and looking at the money in a way money ought never by +no means to be looked at. 'Your fare from the Clarendon, Bond-street,' +said I, quite stiff and chuff. 'Fare be blowed!' said he; 'my fare's +eight bob.' 'Then you shall swear it and prove it,' said I, pulling out +a handful of silver, taking his number, and giving the wink to Hobbling +Bob, one of the porters, to be witness. 'Take your demand, and we'll +meet in Essex-street on Thursday.' 'Well,' says he, 'I ought to have +eight bob--what _will_ you give me?' 'Two,' said I. 'Well,' says he, 'I +ain't a going to stand chaffing in the wet with such a ----' and then +he abused me in a way I can't repeat. 'Overcharge and insolence!' said +I. 'We'll meet again at Philippi.' 'Fillip I,' said Jarvey, driving +off, 'I should like to fillip you!' In going back to the office, I +thought I ought to charge Mr. M'Flummery the eight shillings. Taking +into consideration that I had advanced money--that I had got wet--had +been abused, and last, though not least, that there was a strong risk +touching repayment. I entered the expenditure thus: 'Coachman's demand, +eight shillings. Paid _him_.' I said _him_, not _it_, you see, for I was +_wide awake_!" + +"WIDE AWAKE!" said the president, hitting the table three sonorous +clinks with the club-hummer of brass, again. + +"When I got back to the office, Snaps called for me through the pipe +to come up stairs:--he always had me as a witness when he was _doing +particular business_, such as discounting a bill, bargaining for a bond, +or arranging an annuity. + +"'Sort those papers,' said Snaps, scratching his left ear. + +"That means 'Cock your listeners,' thought I; and I proceeded to fumble +over a bundle of old abstracts as diligently as if I was hunting for a +hundred-pound note. + +"As I turned over the dusty papers, I overheard the following +conversation: + +"'So you can't manage it for me any way?' said M'Flummery to Snaps. + +"'I have not anything at my bankers',' answered Snaps,--(a lie, for his +was the best account of any professional man at Brookes and Dixon's, and +I had that morning paid in five hundred and eighty pounds eleven and +tenpence;)--'and, by the bye, Pounce, my confidential man, knows that. +Have I, Pounce?' + +"'Not anything,' said I; 'I'll be on my oath!' + +"With that M'Flummery said, 'It's cursed hard.--I must be at Newmarket +on Tuesday, and nothing less than two thousand will do for me.--So you +cannot get it on my bond or note?' + +"'Money is money, and holders are firm,' said Snaps. 'What do you think +of a mortgage? You gave, if I recollect right, six thousand for the +hunting-lodge and the acres in Leicestershire.' + +"'Yes!' replied M'Flummery, 'and lost it six months since in one +morning, at Graham's.' + +"'The house in Park Lane?' + +"'Belongs to Miss V. the rich old maid.' + +"'The furniture?' + +"'Is Gillow's.' + +"'Your stud?' + +"'I stalled at Tattersall's for six hundred advance.' + +"'Your commission?' + +"'Is pounded at Greenwood's for ditto.' + +"'Then, in point of fact,' said Snaps, 'Mister,'--(whenever Snaps +intended to say anything uncivil, he always addressed the favoured +individual as 'Mr.')--'in point of fact, Mr. M'Flummery, you are a +beggar, possessing neither house, land, goods, or chattels, or property +of any sort, kind, or description.' + +"M'Flummery bit his lips, and walked to the window, and Snaps continued, + +"'How, after making the avowals you have, Mr. M'Flummery, you could have +the impudence----' + +"'What do you say, wretch?' cried M'Flummery, rushing and collaring +Snaps, 'Impudence!' + +"'Pounce,' cried my master, 'an assault! Call the copying-clerks up.' +But while I was in the act of summoning the scribes down the pipe, +M'Flummery relaxed his hold, and said, + +"'I forgive you, Snaps! It certainly did warrant the term, after my +declarations of insolvency; but it just flashes across my mind,--how it +could have escaped me I know not,--that all is not so bad with me. I +have a chest of plate!' + +"'A chest of plate!' ejaculated Snaps. 'Why, my dear sir,----' + +"'A plate-chest!' said I. + +"'Yes,' continued M'Flummery, 'my splendid sporting service,--quite +new,--never used,--made not six months since by Rundell and Bridge. How +could I have forgotten this!' + +"'Sit down, my dear sir,' said Snaps. 'Your recollection of this +_com-plete-ly_ alters the case! Perhaps we _can_ manage the matter.' + +"'But money is money, I am afraid; and holders are firm, Mr. Snaps,' +said M'Flummery, with what I thought the most devilish and malicious +laugh that ever was uttered. + +"'True, true,' replied my master; 'but there is a mode of tempting even +a miser.' + +"'I think there is,' said M'Flummery, just as Old Nick might have spoken +the words, and looking Snaps full in the face. + +"'Where is the chest?" inquired Snaps. "There is no lien on it?' he +continued gravely. 'It is not at----" + +"'My uncle's? No, no!' + +"'Satisfactory so far. What might it have cost you?'--'Three thousand +pounds.' + +"'And you want _two_. It is possible, my dear sir, that the matter _can_ +be managed. I'll see about it directly. Call here to-morrow with the +chest, and we'll see what can be done. I'll go into the City directly.' + +"'Then I may as well go with you,' said M'Flummery; 'I will look in at +Rundell's on our way, where you can assure yourself of the fact and +value of the purchase.' So saying, my master and his client went out." + +"It does not yet seem clear to me," said the president, interrupting +Pounce at this period of his story, "how the gentleman came to be hung. +He seems to have been an honest man, who had more money than he thought +he had." + +"No, he had not," said Pounce; "for, before he went out of the office, +I asked him for the fare of the coach. 'Oh!' said he, quite cool, 'my +little quill-driver, I'll owe you that till to-morrow.'" + +"Well," resumed Pounce, after the waiter had been declared "in the +room," had "taken his orders," and gone "out of the room," and +re-entered the room with the said orders _executed_, preparatory +(paradoxical as it may read) to their being _despatched_,--"Well," +said Pounce, "when Mr. Snaps returned in the afternoon, he said to me, +rubbing his hands, 'Pounce, it's all right! I have seen the chest of +plate. I have handled and examined every article,--solid and beautiful! +as fine a service as ever was turned out of hand.' + +"'Glad to hear it, sir!' says I; 'I had my doubts;'--throwing as much +of knowingness into my look as befitted a confidential managing common +law-clerk when speaking to his governor. + +"'And so had I,' said Snaps seriously: 'but what do you think, Pounce?' +and my master beckoned me close to him. + +"'What _should_ I think, sir?' said I, deferentially,--'Why, he not only +bought this most splendid service of plate I ever saw--massive--solid; +but--but--' + +"'Yes, sir?'--'But he actually paid for it!' said Snaps; giving me a +playful dig in the ribs with one hand, while he took a huge pinch of +snuff in the other, snapping the dust off his fingers as though so many +crackers were exploding. + +"'I shouldn't have thought he was a good one for paying, Mr. Snaps,' I +replied, thinking of the fare. + +"'Nor I, Pounce,' said Snaps; 'but, hark-ye, be sure you are in the way +to-morrow at three;' and we parted,--Mr. Snaps being a religious man, +and deacon of Zion Tabernacle in Jehoshaphat Terrace, to attend lecture, +and I to finish a match at bumble-puppy at the Pig and Tweezers. + +"The very next day, at three, punctual came M'Flummery, and I'm blessed +if it didn't take four porters to carry the chest he brought with him. +(By the way, I may here promiscuously observe, that in the experience +of a long professional life I never knew but one case of unpunctuality +in the attendance of people who had _to receive_ money, and that was +explained by the fact of the party's dying of the cholera over night.) +The chest was duly brought up stairs, and deposited in a corner of Mr. +Snaps' private room." + +"'Now, Snaps,' said M'Flummery, 'I hope you are ready with the needful +two thousand upon the nail.'--'Why, my dear sir,' said my master, 'I +have with great difficulty been able to manage _one_ thousand.' + +"'Two thousand was the sum agreed for,' said M'Flummery.--'True, my dear +sir; but money is money.' + +"'Ay! and holders are firm, it appears, Snaps; but look at the security; +plate will always fetch a safe and certain sum.'--'Satisfactory; truly +so, my dear sir. Most unquestionable; but----' + +"'Come, we are losing time. In a word, put fifteen hundred down on +the desk, and we close; if not, I'm off to old Lombard.'--'Say twelve +hundred,' cried Snaps, 'and I'll see what I can do.' + +"'Fifteen,' said M'Flummery.--'It will not leave me a farthing,' said +Snaps; 'and if I do find the odd five hundred, it must be added to the +bond.' + +"'Well! add it, and be d--d to you, Shylock the second!' said +M'Flummery; 'you shall have your bond;' and he burst out into what I +considered an unnecessary loud laugh. + +"The money was counted, and the bond drawn out. + +"'But, now,' said my master, 'if you please, you'll pardon me, my +dear sir; but, in order that there may be no mistake, you will let my +confidential clerk, Pounce, take a view of the contents of the chest.' + +"'Most certainly,' said M'Flummery; and, unlocking it, he desired me to +see if the articles corresponded with the inventory. + +"I did so, and found that my master gave an approving look. After +lifting up the several trays, and handling and examining some four or +five articles, M'Flummery, turning to Snaps, said, + +"'Are you satisfied, Mr. Snaps?' + +"'Quite so,' said my master. + +"'Then there only remains one thing to satisfy me,' said M'Flummery, +locking the box and padlocks. 'This box will be in your possession for +eighteen months as security; but, as I do not wish to have _my plate +hired out_ or _used_, you will pardon me, Mr. Snaps,--I only say this in +order, as you observed, that there may be 'no mistake,'--I will put my +seal upon the chest, and keep the key!' + +"'The key!' said Snaps; 'my dear sir!' + +"'Why,' said M'Flummery, 'what do you want with the key? You have the +power at the end of eighteen months to break open the chest, and sell +the plate, in default of payment; but you have no power over the plate +till then. What, therefore, do _you_ want with the key?' + +"Snaps was beginning to say something; but M'Flummery stopped him short +by saying, 'It is a bargain, or it is not, Mr. Snaps. I seal the chest, +and keep the key.' + +"'Very well,' said Snaps, looking very much like a tiger that had +suddenly lost sight of his dinner. + +"This was accordingly done, the bond signed, and the money handed over; +and M'Flummery shook hands with my master, saying, + +"'Snaps, you are a cunning fellow!' + +"'Oh! my dear sir,' said my master, attempting to blush,--a feat, by the +way, he never accomplished during his life that I know of. + +"'But I recollect,' continued M'Flummery, 'an old fisherman telling me, +when I was a boy, that, deep as some fishes were in the sea, there were +always others that swam just as deep. Good-b'ye, old Shylock! you shall +have your bond.' So saying, he left. + +"I confess, this curious remark so astonished me that I quite forgot +at the moment to ask for the fare of the coach. My master also seemed +struck with the observation. + +"'What can he mean?' said Snaps; 'surely there is nothing wrong? Pooh! +pooh! impossible! There is the chest, and possession is nine points of +the law.' + +"'The first of the maxims, sir,' said I." + +Here Pounce paused, filled his pipe, and emptied his tumbler of grog +into that depository where grog had gone in _goes_ for years and years. + +"Well!" said the president, "may I be spiflicated,--ay, and +exspiflicated,--if you have not been humbugging us, Pounce, with a +pretty piece of bam! What the deuce has all that you have said to do +with the fact of the gentleman being hanged?" + +"Everything," cried Pounce. + +"I say _nothing_," said the president. + +"So do I," followed Shortcut. + +"Everything, I maintain," rejoined the lawyer's clerk; "_for_ six months +afterwards his words came true." + +"Whose?" shouted several of the company. + +"M'Flummery's," said Pounce; "he proved himself as deep and deeper than +Snaps. He was a _wide awake one_!" + +"WIDE AWAKE!" said the chairman; and down went the directing sceptre, +with the customary clink. + +"Hear! hear! hear!" resounded through the room. + +"Yes," continued Pounce; "about six months after, and about five in +the evening, a man came into the office, looking as like a turnkey or +Bow-street runner as any of you gentlemen might ever have known in your +life. He asked to see Mr. Snaps. + +"Just as I was preparing to give my master a hint by one of the +writing-clerks to be on his guard, who should walk into the office but +Snaps himself? + +"'I believe your name is Snaps?' said the hang-gallows-looking messenger. + +"Snaps was rather near-sighted, and it was getting dark, so that he did +not see the winks and nods of the head I was giving him. + +"'My name _is_ Snaps,' he answered. + +"'You're done,' thought I. + +"'Then you are the person I am to give this letter to,' says the man. + +"Snaps took the letter,--and, strange to say, it _was_ a letter,--coolly +read it, and, folding it up, said, to my great relief, 'Tell the +prisoner I shall attend;' and off went Grimgruffinhoff with his answer. + +"'M'Flummery is in Newgate for passing forged notes;' said my master, +taking a pinch of snuff. 'I thought he would be jugged some day,' he +said, with a half-laugh. 'He wants to see me to-morrow morning about +business of the greatest importance to _me_. What can he have to say to +_me_?' + +"'Ay, indeed!' said I, 'what sir?' + +"'It is as well that I should go,' said my master, 'for there may be +something----' + +"'True,' said I, 'there may be.' + +"The next morning we went to Newgate, which is not the most pleasant +lodging in that neighbourhood, although you have it in the biggest +house, and they charge you nothing for the apartments. When we entered +the prisoner's cell, he was busy writing. + +"'Snaps!' said he, 'I'm glad to see you here!' + +"'I am sorry I cannot return the compliment,' said my master. + +"'Never mind,' said M'Flummery; 'every dog has his day.' + +"'And then he is hanged,' said Snaps, drily, taking a pinch of snuff. + +"M'Flummery here gave a spasmodic groan, and exclaimed, 'As little +reference to my present condition as possible, Mr. Snaps. It was not +about myself that I requested your visit, but touching matters in which +you alone are interested.' + +"'Well, sir; and here I am," said Mr. Snaps. 'To tell you the truth, +I do not feel myself very comfortable in the place, so I shall feel +obliged by your stating the nature of your business with me as briefly +as possible.' + +"'I will,' said the prisoner, with a demonic look. 'You have, or _rather +think you have_, Mr. Snaps, a chest of plate.' + +"'What!' shrieked my master. 'Is it not silver? Have you cheated me?' + +"'You have often robbed me, Mr. Snaps,' was the reply; 'I but returned +the compliment. That which you believe is silver plate, manufactured +by Rundell and Bridge, was made at Sheffield, and cost me two hundred +pounds.' + +"Snaps groaned, and hid his face. + +"'It is true I did buy a service from those eminent goldsmiths; but, +after the Sheffield firm had copied the pattern, I pledged it with old +Lombard, the pawnbroker. It was redeemed for a day to satisfy you, Mr. +Snaps, and then repledged. The Earl of A. bought the duplicate, and now +has the real property, of which you have the counterfeit service.' + +"'You are a cursed villain,' said my master; 'and thank Heaven! you will +be hanged!' + +"'Only that a felon's cell in Newgate is not the most fit place to bandy +compliments in, I should willingly aspirate the same of you, Snaps!" + +"'And was it to tell me this, you atrocious scoundrel, that you sent for +me?' said my master. + +"'Not exactly,' answered M'Flummery; 'not exactly, Snaps; I want you to +do me a favour.' + +"'Was there ever such audacity?' said Snaps. 'Ask me to do you a favour! +You, who have told me to my face that you have swindled, cheated, +plundered, robbed me! A favour! Come Pounce,' he added, turning to me, +'let us be gone.' + +"'Stay!' said the prisoner; 'you have said I shall be hanged!' + +"'Ay, as sure as fate!' + +"'My fate is death, I know; but not perhaps by hanging. I have potent +interest at work for me at this moment; and, though sure of conviction, +I may yet get the sentence of death commuted to transportation for +life, and you would not like that would you, Snaps? You wish me +dead--dead--dead!' + +"After an inward struggle my master muttered out, 'I do.' + +"'Then, Mr. Clerk,' said M'Flummery, in a deep whisper, handing me +secretly a small sealed paper, 'be so good as to open this, when you +get outside these walls, and give it to your master.' Then, aloud to +Snaps, 'My business with you, _sir_, is finished.' So saying, he resumed +writing; and I led my master, who was trembling with agitation, revenge, +and passion, out of the cell and prison. + +"When we got into a coach, I produced the paper, and mentioned to my +master what M'Flummery had said. With trembling hand he opened it, and +read the following: + +"'Your soul burns with revenge. You wish me dead. It is my desire also +to die. There is a strong probability that I shall not undergo the last +punishment of the law. If you would render my death certain, and feed +your revenge, send me, in a small phial, an ounce of prussic acid: +and the bearer of your welcome gift shall carry back the fact that +M'Flummery the swindler, highwayman, and forger,--M'Flummery, who has +cheated all through life, has terminated his career by cheating the law!' + +"I shall never to my dying day forget the face of Snaps when he read +this. He did not say a word; and we sat silent till we got back to the +office. My master went up stairs, saying to me, 'Pounce, be silent as +the grave! and be ready when I call for you.' Shortly afterwards I heard +a loud hammering in his room. 'He's breaking open the chest,' said I; +and true enough he was. Curiosity led me up stairs; and, on entering the +room, there was Snaps, standing aghast over the open chest, with some +broken tea-spoons in his hand. + +"'The villain has told the truth,' said he. 'The contents of the chest +are not worth fifty pounds. I thought I had taken every precaution; but +I find I was not sufficiently _wide awake_.'" + +"WIDE AWAKE!" said the chairman, and down went the hammer. + +"Hear! hear! hear!" chorused the company. + +"And ever since then, gentlemen," said Pounce, "I have always had my +eyes open when doing a bill, when I had plate, the best of all possible +security." + +"But what became of M'Flummery?" asked Bob Jinks. + +"Ay!" said the president, "when was he hanged?" + +"He wasn't hanged at all," replied Pounce. + +"I'm blowed," said the chairman, "if I didn't think so, all along." + +"_How_ he got it I do not pretend to know," said Pounce, blowing his +nose, and looking aside, "but the very next day after we had paid him +a visit, he was found dead on his bed, with a small empty phial, that +smelt strongly of prussic acid, clenched in his fist." + +The clock here stuck twelve, the hour at which the club disperses +according to the rules; so Timmins and I toddled home. + + + + + OUR SONG OF THE MONTH. + No. III. March, 1837. + + I. + March, March! why the de'il don't you march + Faster than other months out of your order? + You're a horrible beast, with the wind from the East, + And high-hopping hail and slight sleet on your border: + Now, our umbrellas spread, flutter above our head, + And will not stand to our arms in good order; + While, flapping and tearing, they set a man swearing + Round the corner, where blasts blow away half the border! + + II. + March, March! I am ready to faint + That St. Patrick had not his nativity's casting; + I am sure, if he had, such a peaceable lad + Would have never been born amid blowing and blasting: + But as it was his fate, Irishmen emulate + Doing what Doom, or St. Paddy may order; + And if they're forced to fight through their wrongs for their right, + They'll stick to their flag while a thread's in its border. + + III. + March, March! have you no feeling, + E'en for the fair sex who make us knock under? + You cold-blooded divil, you're far more uncivil + Than Summer himself, with his terrible thunder! + Every day we meet ladies down Regent-street, + Holding their handkerchiefs up in good order; + But, do all that we can, the most merciful man + _Must_ see the blue noses peep over the border. + S. LOVER. + + + + + OLIVER TWIST; OR, THE PARISH BOY'S PROGRESS. + BY BOZ. + ILLUSTRATED BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. + + + CHAPTER THE THIRD + + RELATES HOW OLIVER TWIST WAS VERY NEAR GETTING A PLACE, + WHICH WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN A SINECURE. + +For a week after the commission of the impious and profane offence +of asking for more, Oliver remained a close prisoner in the dark and +solitary room to which he had been consigned by the wisdom and mercy +of the board. It appears, at first sight, not unreasonable to suppose, +that, if he had entertained a becoming feeling of respect for the +prediction of the gentleman in the white waistcoat, he would have +established that sage individual's prophetic character, once and for +ever, by tying one end of his pocket handkerchief to a hook in the wall, +and attaching himself to the other. To the performance of this feat, +however, there was one obstacle, namely, that pocket handkerchiefs being +decided articles of luxury, had been, for all future times and ages, +removed from the noses of paupers by the express order of the board +in council assembled, solemnly given and pronounced under their hands +and seals. There was a still greater obstacle in Oliver's youth and +childishness. He only cried bitterly all day; and when the long, dismal +night came on, he spread his little hands before his eyes to shut out +the darkness, and crouching in the corner, tried to sleep, ever and anon +waking with a start and tremble, and drawing himself closer and closer +to the wall, as if to feel even its cold hard surface were a protection +in the gloom and loneliness which surrounded him. + +Let it not be supposed by the enemies of "the system," that, during the +period of his solitary incarceration, Oliver was denied the benefit +of exercise, the pleasure of society, or the advantages of religious +consolation. As for exercise, it was nice cold weather, and he was +allowed to perform his ablutions every morning under the pump, in a +stone yard, in the presence of Mr. Bumble, who prevented his catching +cold, and caused a tingling sensation to pervade his frame, by repeated +applications of the cane; as for society, he was carried every other +day into the hall where the boys dined, and there sociably flogged as a +public warning and example; and, so far from being denied the advantages +of religious consolation, he was kicked into the same apartment every +evening at prayer-time, and there permitted to listen to, and console +his mind with, a general supplication of the boys, containing a special +clause therein inserted by the authority of the board, in which they +entreated to be made good, virtuous, contented, and obedient, and to be +guarded + + [Illustration: Oliver escapes being bound apprentice to the Sweep] + +from the sins and vices of Oliver Twist, whom the supplication +distinctly set forth to be under the exclusive patronage and protection +of the powers of wickedness, and an article direct from the manufactory +of the devil himself. + +It chanced one morning, while Oliver's affairs were in this auspicious +and comfortable state, that Mr. Gamfield, chimney-sweeper, was wending +his way adown the High-street, deeply cogitating in his mind, his +ways and means of paying certain arrears of rent, for which his +landlord had become rather pressing. Mr. Gamfield's most sanguine +calculation of funds could not raise them within full five pounds of +the desired amount; and, in a species of arithmetical desperation, he +was alternately cudgelling his brains and his donkey, when, passing the +workhouse, his eyes encountered the bill on the gate. + +"Woo!" said Mr. Gamfield, to the donkey. + +The donkey was in a state of profound abstraction,--wondering, probably, +whether he was destined to be regaled with a cabbage-stalk or two, when +he had disposed of the two sacks of soot with which the little cart was +laden; so, without noticing the word of command, he jogged onwards. + +Mr. Gamfield growled a fierce imprecation on the donkey generally, +but more particularly on his eyes; and, running after him, bestowed a +blow on his head which would inevitably have beaten in any skull but a +donkey's; then, catching hold of the bridle, he gave his jaw a sharp +wrench, by way of gentle reminder that he was not his own master: and, +having by these means turned him round, he gave him another blow on the +head, just to stun him till he came back again; and, having done so, +walked up to the gate to read the bill. + +The gentleman with the white waistcoat was standing at the gate with +his hands behind him, after having delivered himself of some profound +sentiments in the board-room. Having witnessed the little dispute +between Mr. Gamfield and the donkey, he smiled joyously when that person +came up to read the bill, for he saw at once that Mr. Gamfield was just +exactly the sort of master Oliver Twist wanted. Mr. Gamfield smiled, +too, as he perused the document, for five pounds was just the sum he had +been wishing for; and, as to the boy with which it was encumbered, Mr. +Gamfield, knowing what the dietary of the workhouse was, well knew he +would be a nice small pattern, just the very thing for register stoves. +So he spelt the bill through again, from beginning to end; and then, +touching his fur cap in token of humility, accosted the gentleman in the +white waistcoat. + +"This here boy, sir, wot the parish wants to 'prentis," said Mr. +Gamfield. + +"Yes, my man," said the gentleman in the white waistcoat, with a +condescending smile, "what of him?" + +"If the parish vould like him to learn a light, pleasant trade, in a +good 'spectable chimbley-sweepin' bisness," said Mr. Gamfield, "I wants +a 'prentis, and I'm ready to take him." + +"Walk in," said the gentlemen with the white waistcoat. And Mr. Gamfield +having lingered behind, to give the donkey another blow on the head, and +another wrench of the jaw as a caution not to run away in his absence, +followed the gentleman with the white waistcoat, into the room where +Oliver had first seen him. + +"It's a nasty trade," said Mr. Limbkins, when Gamfield had again stated +his wish. + +"Young boys have been smothered in chimneys, before now," said another +gentleman. + +"That's acause they damped the straw afore they lit it in the chimbley +to make 'em come down again," said Gamfield; "that's all smoke, and no +blaze; vereas smoke ain't o' no use at all in makin' a boy come down; it +only sinds him to sleep, and that's wot he likes. Boys is wery obstinit, +and wery lazy, gen'lm'n, and there's nothink like a good hot blaze to +make 'em come down vith a run; it's humane too, gen'lm'n, acause, even +if they've stuck in the chimbley, roastin' their feet makes 'em struggle +to hextricate theirselves." + +The gentleman in the white waistcoat appeared very much amused with +this explanation; but his mirth was speedily checked by a look from +Mr. Limbkins. The board then proceeded to converse among themselves +for a few minutes; but in so low a tone that the words "saving of +expenditure," "look well in the accounts," "have a printed report +published," were alone audible: and they only chanced to be heard on +account of their being very frequently repeated with great emphasis. + +At length the whispering ceased, and the members of the board having +resumed their seats, and their solemnity, Mr. Limbkins said, + +"We have considered your proposition, and we don't approve of it." + +"Not at all," said the gentleman in the white waistcoat. + +"Decidedly not," added the other members. + +As Mr. Gamfield did happen to labour under the slight imputation of +having bruised three or four boys to death, already, it occurred to him +that the board had perhaps, in some unaccountable freak, taken it into +their heads that this extraneous circumstance ought to influence their +proceedings. It was very unlike their general mode of doing business, if +they had; but still, as he had no particular wish to revive the rumour, +he twisted his cap in his hands, and walked slowly from table. + +"So you won't let me have him, gen'lmen," said Mr. Gamfield, pausing +near the door. + +"No," replied Mr. Limbkins; "at least, as it's a nasty business, we +think you ought to take something less than the premium we offered." + +Mr. Gamfield's countenance brightened, as, with a quick step he returned +to the table, and said, + +"What'll you give, gen'lmen, however this page all spelt as shown? Come, +don't be too hard on a poor man. What'll you give?" + +"I should say three pound ten was plenty," said Mr. Limbkins. + +"Ten shillings too much," said the gentleman in the white waistcoat. + +"Come," said Gamfield; "say four pound, gen'lmen. Say four pound, and +you've got rid of him for good and all. There!" + +"Three pound ten," repeated Mr. Limbkins, firmly. + +"Come, I'll split the difference, gen'lmen," urged Gamfield. +"Three pound fifteen." + +"Not a farthing more," was the firm reply of Mr. Limbkins. + +"You're desp'rate hard upon me, gen'lmen," said Gamfield, wavering. + +"Pooh! pooh! nonsense!" said the gentlemen in the white waistcoat. "He'd +be cheap with nothing at all, as a premium. Take him, you silly fellow! +He's just the boy for you. He wants the stick now and then; it'll do +him good; and his board needn't come very expensive, for he hasn't been +overfed since he was born. Ha! ha! ha!" + +Mr. Gamfield gave an arch look at the faces round the table, and, +observing a smile on all of them, gradually broke into a smile himself. +The bargain was made, and Mr. Bumble was at once instructed that Oliver +Twist and his indentures were to be conveyed before the magistrate for +signature and approval, that very afternoon. + +In pursuance of this determination, little Oliver, to his excessive +astonishment, was released from bondage, and ordered to put himself +into a clean shirt. He had hardly achieved this very unusual gymnastic +performance, when Mr. Bumble brought him with his own hands, a basin of +gruel, and the holiday allowance of two ounces and a quarter of bread; +at sight of which Oliver began to cry very piteously, thinking, not +unnaturally, that the board must have determined to kill him for some +useful purpose, or they never would have begun to fatten him up in this +way. + +"Don't make your eyes red, Oliver, but eat your food, and be thankful," +said Mr. Bumble, in a tone of impressive pomposity. "You're a-going to +be made a 'prentice of, Oliver." + +"A 'prentice, sir!" said the child, trembling. + +"Yes, Oliver," said Mr. Bumble. "The kind and blessed gentlemen which +is so many parents to you, Oliver, when you have none of your own, are +a-going to 'prentice you, and to set you up in life, and make a man of +you, although the expence to the parish is three pound ten!--three pound +ten, Oliver!--seventy shillin's!--one hundred and forty sixpences!--and +all for a naughty orphan which nobody can love." + +As Mr. Bumble paused to take breath after delivering this address, in an +awful voice, the tears rolled down the poor child's face, and he sobbed +bitterly. + +"Come," said Mr. Bumble, somewhat less pompously; for it was gratifying +to his feelings to observe the effect his eloquence had produced. "Come, +Oliver, wipe your eyes with the cuffs of your jacket, and don't cry into +your gruel; that's a very foolish action, Oliver." It certainly was, for +there was quite enough water in it already. + +On their way to the magistrate's, Mr. Bumble instructed Oliver that +all he would have to do, would be to look very happy, and say, when +the gentleman asked him if he wanted to be apprenticed, that he should +like it very much indeed; both of which injunctions Oliver promised to +obey, the more readily as Mr. Bumble threw in a gentle hint, that if he +failed in either particular, there was no telling what would be done to +him. When they arrived at the office, he was shut up in a little room by +himself and admonished by Mr. Bumble to stay there, until he came back +to fetch him. + +There the boy remained with a palpitating heart for half an hour, at the +expiration of which time Mr. Bumble thrust in his head, unadorned with +the cocked-hat, and said aloud, + +"Now, Oliver, my dear, come to the gentleman." As Mr. Bumble said this, +he put on a grim and threatening look, and added in a low voice, "Mind +what I told you, you young rascal." + +Oliver stared innocently in Mr. Bumble's face at this somewhat +contradictory style of address; but that gentleman prevented his +offering any remark thereupon, by leading him at once into an adjoining +room, the door of which was open. It was a large room with a great +window; and behind a desk sat two old gentlemen with powdered heads, +one of whom was reading the newspaper, while the other was perusing, +with the aid of a pair of tortoise-shell spectacles, a small piece of +parchment which lay before him. Mr. Limbkins was standing in front of +the desk, on one side; and Mr. Gamfield, with a partially washed face, +on the other; while two or three bluff-looking men in top-boots were +lounging about. + +The old gentleman with the spectacles gradually dozed off, over the +little bit of parchment; and there was a short pause after Oliver had +been stationed by Mr. Bumble in front of the desk. + +"This is the boy, your worship," said Mr. Bumble. + +The old gentleman who was reading the newspaper raised his head for a +moment, and pulled the other old gentleman by the sleeve, whereupon the +last-mentioned old gentleman woke up. + +"Oh, is this the boy?" said the old gentleman. + +"This is him, sir," replied Mr. Bumble. "Bow to the magistrate, my dear." + +Oliver roused himself, and made his best obeisance. He had been +wondering, with his eyes fixed on the magistrates' powder, whether all +boards were born with that white stuff on their heads, and were boards +from thenceforth, on that account. + +"Well," said the old gentleman, "I suppose he's fond of +chimney-sweeping?" + +"He dotes on it, your worship," replied Bumble, giving Oliver a sly +pinch, to intimate that he had better not say he didn't. + +"And he _will_ be a sweep, will he?" inquired the old gentleman. + +"If we was to bind him to any other trade to-morrow, he'd run away +simultaneously, your worship," replied Bumble. + +"And this man that's to be his master,--you, sir,--you'll treat him +well, and feed him, and do all that sort of thing,--will you?" said the +old gentleman. + +"When I says I will, I means I will," replied Mr. Gamfield doggedly. + +"You're a rough speaker, my friend, but you look an honest, open-hearted +man," said the old gentleman, turning his spectacles in the direction of +the candidate for Oliver's premium, whose villanous countenance was a +regular stamped receipt for cruelty. But the magistrate was half blind, +and half childish, so he couldn't reasonably be expected to discern what +other people did. + +"I hope I am, sir," said Mr. Gamfield with an ugly leer. + +"I have no doubt you are, my friend," replied the old gentleman, fixing +his spectacles more firmly on his nose, and looking about him for the +inkstand. + +It was the critical moment of Oliver's fate. If the inkstand had been +where the old gentleman thought it was, he would have dipped his +pen into it and signed the indentures, and Oliver would have been +straightway hurried off. But, as it chanced to be immediately under his +nose, it followed as a matter of course that he looked all over his desk +for it, without finding it; and happening in the course of his search +to look straight before him, his encountered the pale and terrified +face of Oliver Twist, who, despite all the admonitory looks and pinches +of Bumble, was regarding the very repulsive countenance of his future +master with a mingled expression of horror and fear, too palpable to be +mistaken even by a half-blind magistrate. + +The old gentleman stopped, laid down his pen, and looked from Oliver +to Mr. Limbkins, who attempted to take snuff with a cheerful and +unconcerned aspect. + +"My boy," said the old gentleman, leaning over the desk. Oliver started +at the sound,--he might be excused for doing so, for the words were +kindly said, and strange sounds frighten one. He trembled violently, and +burst into tears. + +"My boy," said the old gentleman, "you look pale and alarmed. What is +the matter?" + +"Stand a little away from him, beadle," said the other magistrate, +laying aside the paper, and leaning forward with an expression of some +interest. "Now, boy, tell us what's the matter: don't be afraid." + +Oliver fell on his knees, and, clasping his hands together, prayed that +they would order him back to the dark room,--that they would starve +him--beat him--kill him if they pleased--rather than send him away, with +that dreadful man. + +"Well!" said Mr. Bumble, raising his hands and eyes with most impressive +solemnity,--"Well! of _all_ the artful and designing orphans that ever I +see, Oliver, you are one of the most bare-facedest." + +"Hold your tongue, beadle," said the second old gentleman, when Mr. +Bumble had given vent to this compound adjective. + +"I beg your worship's pardon," said Mr. Bumble, incredulous of his +having heard aright,--"did your worship speak to me?" + +"Yes--hold your tongue." + +Mr. Bumble was stupified with astonishment. A beadle ordered to hold his +tongue! A moral revolution. + +The old gentleman in the tortoise-shell spectacles looked at his +companion: he nodded significantly. + +"We refuse to sanction these indentures," said the old gentleman, +tossing aside the piece of parchment as he spoke. + +"I hope," stammered Mr. Limbkins,--"I hope the magistrates will not +form the opinion that the authorities have been guilty of any improper +conduct, on the unsupported testimony of a mere child." + +"The magistrates are not called upon to pronounce any opinion on the +matter," said the second old gentleman sharply. "Take the boy back to +the workhouse, and treat him kindly. He seems to want it." + +That same evening the gentleman in the white waistcoat most positively +and decidedly affirmed, not only that Oliver would be hung, but that +he would be drawn and quartered into the bargain. Mr. Bumble shook his +head with gloomy mystery, and said he wished he might come to good; to +which Mr. Gamfield replied, that he wished he might come to him, which, +although he agreed with the beadle in most matters, would seem to be a +wish of a totally opposite description. + +The next morning the public were once more informed that Oliver Twist +was again to let, and that five pounds would be paid to anybody who +would take possession of him. + + + CHAPTER THE FOURTH. + + OLIVER, BEING OFFERED ANOTHER PLACE, MAKES HIS + FIRST ENTRY INTO PUBLIC LIFE. + +In great families, when an advantageous place cannot be obtained, either +in possession, reversion, remainder, or expectancy, for the young man +who is growing up, it is a very general custom to send him to sea. The +board, in imitation of so wise and salutary an example, took counsel +together on the expediency of shipping off Oliver Twist in some small +trading vessel bound to a good unhealthy port, which suggested itself +as the very best thing that could possibly be done with him; the +probability being, that the skipper would either flog him to death, in +a playful mood, some day after dinner, or knock his brains out with +an iron bar,--both pastimes being, as is pretty generally known, very +favourite and common recreations among gentlemen of that class. The +more the case presented itself to the board, in this point of view, the +more manifold the advantages of the step appeared; so they came to the +conclusion that the only way of providing for Oliver effectually, was to +send him to sea without delay. + +Mr. Bumble had been despatched to make various preliminary inquiries, +with the view of finding out some captain or other who wanted a +cabin-boy without any friends; and was returning to the workhouse to +communicate the result of his mission, when he encountered just at the +gate no less a person than Mr. Sowerberry, the parochial undertaker. + +Mr. Sowerberry was a tall, gaunt, large-jointed man, attired in a suit +of threadbare black, with darned cotton stockings of the same colour, +and shoes to answer. His features were not naturally intended to wear +a smiling aspect, but he was in general rather given to professional +jocosity; his step was elastic, and his face betokened inward +pleasantry, as he advanced to Mr. Bumble and shook him cordially by the +hand. + +"I have taken the measure of the two women that died last night, Mr. +Bumble," said the undertaker. + +"You'll make your fortune, Mr. Sowerberry," said the beadle, as he +thrust his thumb and forefinger into the proffered snuff-box of the +undertaker, which was an ingenious little model of a patent coffin. "I +say you'll make your fortune, Mr. Sowerberry," repeated Mr. Bumble, +tapping the undertaker on the shoulder in a friendly manner, with his +cane. + +"Think so?" the undertaker in a tone which half admitted and half +disputed the probability of the event. "The prices allowed by the board +are very small, Mr. Bumble." + +"So are the coffins," replied the beadle, with precisely as near an +approach to a laugh as a great official ought to indulge in. + +Mr. Sowerberry was much tickled at this, as of course he ought to be, +and laughed a long time without cessation, "Well, well, Mr. Bumble," +he said at length, "there's no denying that, since the new system +of feeding has come in, the coffins are something narrower and more +shallow than they used to be; but we must have some profit, Mr. Bumble. +Well-seasoned timber is an expensive article, sir; and all the iron +bundles come by canal from Birmingham." + +"Well, well," said Mr. Bumble, "every trade has its drawbacks, and a +fair profit is of course allowable." + +"Of course, of course," replied the undertaker; "and if I don't get a +profit upon this or that particular article, why, I make it up in the +long run, you see--he! he! he!" + +"Just so," said Mr. Bumble. + +"Though I must say,"--continued the undertaker, resuming the current +of observations which the beadle had interrupted,--"though I must say, +Mr. Bumble, that I have to contend against one very great disadvantage, +which is, that all the stout people go off the quickest--I mean that the +people who have been better off; and have paid rates for many years, are +the first to sink when they come into the house; and let me tell you, +Mr. Bumble, that three or four inches over one's calculation makes a +great hole in one's profits, especially when one has a family to provide +for, sir." + +As Mr. Sowerberry said this, with the becoming indignation of an +ill-used man, and as Mr. Bumble felt that it rather tended to convey a +reflection on the honour of the parish, the latter gentleman thought it +advisable to change the subject; and Oliver Twist being uppermost in his +mind, he made him his theme. + +"By the bye," said Mr. Bumble, "you don't know anybody who wants a +boy, do you--a porochial 'prentis, who is at present a dead-weight,--a +millstone, as I may say--round the porochial throat? Liberal terms, Mr. +Sowerberry--liberal terms;"--and, as Mr. Bumble spoke, he raised his +cane to the bill above him, and gave three distinct raps upon the words +"five pounds," which were printed therein in Roman capitals of gigantic +size. + +"Gadso!" said the undertaker, taking Mr. Bumble by the gilt-edged lappel +of his official coat; "that's just the very thing I wanted to speak to +you about. You know--dear me, what a very elegant button this is, Mr. +Bumble; I never noticed it before." + +"Yes, I think it is rather pretty," said the beadle, glancing proudly +downwards at the large brass buttons which embellished his coat. "The +die is the same as the parochial seal,--the Good Samaritan healing +the sick and bruised man. The board presented it to me on New-year's +morning, Mr. Sowerberry. I put it on, I remember, for the first time, to +attend the inquest on that reduced tradesman who died in a doorway at +midnight." + +"I recollect," said the undertaker. "The jury brought in 'Died +from exposure to the cold, and want of the common necessaries of +life,'--didn't they?" + +Mr. Bumble nodded. + +"And they made it a special verdict, I think," said the undertaker, "by +adding some words to the effect, that if the relieving officer had----" + +"Tush--foolery!" interposed the beadle angrily. "If the board attended +to all the nonsense that ignorant jurymen talk, they'd have enough to +do." + +"Very true," said the undertaker; "they would indeed." + +"Juries," said Mr. Bumble, grasping his cane tightly, as was his wont +when working into a passion,--"juries is ineddicated, vulgar, grovelling +wretches." + +"So they are," said the undertaker. + +"They haven't no more philosophy or political economy about 'em than +that," said the beadle, snapping his fingers contemptuously. + +"No more they have," acquiesced the undertaker. + +"I despise 'em," said the beadle, growing very red in the face. + +"So do I," rejoined the undertaker. + +"And I only wish we'd a jury of the independent sort in the house for a +week or two," said the beadle; "the rules and regulations of the board +would soon bring their spirit down for them." + +"Let 'em alone for that," replied the undertaker. So saying, he smiled +approvingly to calm the rising wrath of the indignant parish officer. + +Mr. Bumble lifted off his cocked-hat, took a handkerchief from the +inside of the crown, wiped from his forehead the perspiration which his +rage had engendered, fixed the cocked-hat on again; and, turning to the +undertaker, said in a calmer voice, + +"Well, what about the boy?" + +"Oh!" replied the undertaker; "why, you know, Mr. Bumble, I pay a good +deal towards the poor's rates." + +"Hem!" said Mr. Bumble. "Well?" + +"Well," replied the undertaker, "I was thinking that if I pay so much +towards 'em, I've a right to get as much out of 'em as I can, Mr. +Bumble; and so--and so--I think I'll take the boy myself." + +Mr. Bumble grasped the undertaker by the arm, and led him into the +building. Mr. Sowerberry was closeted with the board for five minutes, +and then it was arranged that Oliver should go to him that evening "upon +liking,"--a phrase which means, in the case of a parish apprentice, that +if the master find, upon a short trial, that he can get enough work out +of a boy without putting too much food in him, he shall have him for a +term of years, to do what he likes with. + +When little Oliver was taken before "the gentlemen" that evening, +and informed that he was to go that night as general house-lad to a +coffin-maker's, and that if he complained of his situation, or ever came +back to the parish again, he would be sent to sea, there to be drowned, +or knocked on the head, as the case might be, he evinced so little +emotion, that they by common consent pronounced him a hardened young +rascal, and ordered Mr. Bumble to remove him forthwith. + +Now, although it was very natural that the board, of all people in the +world, should feel in a great state of virtuous astonishment and horror +at the smallest tokens of want of feeling on the part of anybody, they +were rather out, in this particular instance. The simple fact was, that +Oliver, instead of possessing too little feeling, possessed rather +too much, and was in a fair way of being reduced to a state of brutal +stupidity and sullenness for life, by the ill usage he had received. He +heard the news of his destination in perfect silence, and, having had +his luggage put into his hand,--which was not very difficult to carry, +inasmuch as it was all comprised within the limits of a brown paper +parcel, about half a foot square by three inches deep,--he pulled his +cap over his eyes, and once more attaching himself to Mr. Bumble's coat +cuff, was led away by that dignitary to a new scene of suffering. + +For some time Mr. Bumble drew Oliver along, without notice or remark, +for the beadle carried his head very erect, as a beadle always should; +and, it being a windy day, little Oliver was completely enshrouded by +the skirts of Mr. Bumble's coat as they blew open, and disclosed to +great advantage his flapped waistcoat and drab plush knee-breeches. +As they drew near to their destination, however, Mr. Bumble thought +it expedient to look down and see that the boy was in good order for +inspection by his new master, which he accordingly did, with a fit and +becoming air of gracious patronage. + +"Oliver!" said Mr. Bumble. + +"Yes, sir," replied Oliver, in a low, tremulous voice. + +"Pull that cap off of your eyes, and hold up your head, sir." + +Although Oliver did as he was desired at once, and passed the back of +his unoccupied hand briskly across his eyes, he left a tear in them +when he looked up at his conductor. As Mr. Bumble gazed sternly upon +him, it rolled down his cheek. It was followed by another, and another. +The child made a strong effort, but it was an unsuccessful one; and, +withdrawing his other hand from Mr. Bumble's, he covered his face with +both, and wept till the tears sprung out from between his thin and bony +fingers. + +"Well!" exclaimed Mr. Bumble, stopping short, and darting at his little +charge a look of intense malignity,--"well, of _all_ the ungratefullest, +and worst-disposed boys as ever I see, Oliver, you are the----" + +"No, no, sir," sobbed Oliver, clinging to the hand which held the +well-known cane; "no, no, sir; I will be good indeed; indeed, indeed, I +will, sir! I am a very little boy, sir; and it is so--so--" + +"So what?" inquired Mr. Bumble in amazement. + +"So lonely, sir--so very lonely," cried the child. "Everybody hates me. +Oh! sir, don't be cross to me. I feel as if I had been cut here, sir, +and it was all bleeding away;" and the child beat his hand upon his +heart, and looked into his companion's face with tears of real agony. + +Mr. Bumble regarded Oliver's piteous and helpless look with some +astonishment for a few seconds, hemmed three or four times in a husky +manner, and, after muttering something about "that troublesome cough," +bid Oliver dry his eyes and be a good boy; and, once more taking his +hand, walked on with him in silence. + +The undertaker had just put up the shutters of his shop, and was making +some entries in his day-book by the light of a most appropriately dismal +candle, when Mr. Bumble entered. + +"Aha!" said the undertaker, looking up from the book, and pausing in the +middle of a word; "is that you, Bumble?" + +"No one else, Mr. Sowerberry," replied the beadle. "Here, I've brought +the boy." Oliver made a bow. + +"Oh! that's the boy, is it?" said the undertaker, raising the candle +above his head to get a full glimpse of Oliver. "Mrs. Sowerberry! will +you come here a moment, my dear?" + +Mrs. Sowerberry emerged from a little room behind the shop, and +presented the form of a short, thin, squeezed-up woman, with a vixenish +countenance. + +"My dear," said Mr. Sowerberry, deferentially, "this is the boy from the +workhouse that I told you of." Oliver bowed again. + +"Dear me!" said the undertaker's wife, "he's very small." + +"Why, he _is_ rather small," replied Mr. Bumble, looking at Oliver as +if it were his fault that he wasn't bigger; "he is small,--there's no +denying it. But he'll grow, Mrs. Sowerberry,--he'll grow." + +"Ah! I dare say he will," replied the lady pettishly, "on our victuals, +and our drink. I see no saving in parish children, not I; for they +always cost more to keep, than they're worth: however, men always think +they know best. There, get down stairs, little bag o' bones." With +this, the undertaker's wife opened a side door, and pushed Oliver down +a steep flight of stairs into a stone cell, damp and dark, forming the +ante-room to the coal-cellar, and denominated "the kitchen," wherein sat +a slatternly girl in shoes down at heel, and blue worsted stockings very +much out of repair. + +"Here, Charlotte," said Mrs. Sowerberry, who had followed Oliver down, +"give this boy some of the cold bits that were put by for Trip: he +hasn't come home since the morning, so he may go without 'em. I dare say +he isn't too dainty to eat 'em,--are you, boy?" + +Oliver, whose eyes had glistened at the mention of meat, and who was +trembling with eagerness to devour it, replied in the negative; and a +plateful of coarse broken victuals was set before him. + +I wish some well-fed philosopher, whose meat and drink turn to gall +within him, whose blood is ice, and whose heart is iron, could have seen +Oliver Twist clutching at the dainty viands that the dog had neglected, +and witnessed the horrible avidity with which he tore the bits asunder +with all the ferocity of famine:--there is only one thing I should +like better; and that would be to see him making the same sort of meal +himself with the same relish. + +"Well," said the undertaker's wife, when Oliver had finished his supper, +which she had regarded in silent horror, and with fearful auguries of +his future appetite, "have you done?" + +There being nothing eatable within his reach, Oliver replied in the +affirmative. + +"Then come with me," said Mrs. Sowerberry, taking up a dim and dirty +lamp, and leading the way up stairs; "your bed's under the counter. You +won't mind sleeping among the coffins, I suppose?--but it doesn't much +matter whether you will or not, for you won't sleep any where else. +Come; don't keep me here, all night." + +Oliver lingered no longer, but meekly followed his new mistress. + + + + + A REMNANT OF THE TIME OF IZAAK WALTON. + VENATOR, AMATOR, EBRIOLUS. + + _Venator._ + Good morrow, good morrow! say whither ye go,-- + To the chase above, or the woods below? + Brake and hollow their quarry hold, + Streams are bright with backs of gold: + 'Twere shame to lose so fair a day,-- + So, whither ye wend, my masters, say. + + _Amator._ + The dappled herd in peace may graze, + The fish fling back the sun's bright rays; + I bend no bow, I cast no line, + The chase of Love alone is mine. + + _Ebriolus._ + Your venison and pike + Ye may get as ye like, + They grace a board right well; + But the sport for my share + Is the chase of old Care, + When the wine-cup tolls his knell. + + _Venator._ + Give ye good-den, my masters twain, + I'll flout ye, when we meet again: + Sad lover, lay thee down and pine; + Go thou, and blink o'er thy noon-day wine; + I'll to the woods. Well may ye fare + With two such deer, as Love and Care. + + + + + THE "ORIGINAL" DRAGON. + A LEGEND OF THE CELESTIAL EMPIRE. + + _Freely translated from an undeciphered MS. of Con-fuse-us,_[49] _and + dedicated to Colonel Bolsover, (of the Horse Marines,) + by C. J. Davids, Esq._ + + I. + A desperate dragon, of singular size,-- + (His name was _Wing-Fang-Scratch-Claw-Fum_,)-- + Flew up one day to the top of the skies, + While all the spectators with terror were dumb. + The vagabond vow'd, as he sported his tail, + He'd have a _sky lark_, and some glorious fun; + For he'd nonplus the natives that day without fail, + By causing a _total eclipse of the sun_![50] + He collected a crowd by his impudent boast, + (Some decently dress'd--some with hardly a rag on,) + Who said that the country was ruin'd and lost, + Unless they could compass the death of the _dragon_. + + II. + The emperor came with the whole of his court,-- + (His majesty's name was _Ding-Dong-Junk_)-- + And he said--to delight in such profligate sport, + The monster was mad, or disgracefully drunk. + He call'd on the army: the troops to a man + Declar'd--though they didn't feel frighten'd the least-- + They never could think it a sensible plan + To go within reach of so ugly a beast. + So he offer'd his daughter, the lovely _Nan-Keen_, + And a painted pavilion, with many a flag on, + To any brave knight who would step in between + The _solar eclipse_ and the dare-devil _dragon_. + + III. + Presently came a reverend bonze,-- + (His name, I'm told, was _Long-Chin-Joss_,)-- + With a phiz very like the complexion of bronze; + And for suitable words he was quite at a loss. + But, he humbly submitted, the orthodox way + To succour the _sun_, and to bother the foe, + Was to make a new church-rate without more delay, + As the clerical funds were deplorably low. + Though he coveted nothing at all for himself, + (A virtue he always delighted to brag on,) + He thought, if the priesthood could pocket some pelf, + It might hasten the doom of this impious _dragon_. + + IV. + The next that spoke was the court buffoon,-- + (The name of this buffer was _Whim-Wham-Fun_,)-- + Who carried a salt-box, and large wooden spoon, + With which, he suggested, the job might be done. + Said the jester, "I'll wager my rattle and bells, + Your pride, my fine fellow, shall soon have a fall: + If you make many more of your damnable yells, + I know a good method to make you sing small!" + And, when he had set all the place in a roar, + As his merry conceits led the whimsical wag on, + He hinted a plan to get rid of the bore, + By putting some _salt_ on the _tail_ of the _dragon_! + + V. + At length appear'd a brisk young knight,-- + (The far-fam'd warrior, _Bam-Boo-Gong_,)-- + Who threaten'd to burke the big blackguard outright, + And have the deed blazon'd in story and song. + With an excellent shot from a very _long bow_ + He damag'd the dragon by cracking his crown; + When he fell to the ground (as my documents show) + With a smash that was heard many miles out of town. + His death was the signal for frolic and spree-- + They carried the corpse in a common stage-waggon; + And the hero was crown'd with the leaves of green tea, + For saving the _sun_ from the jaws of the _dragon_. + + VI. + A poet, whose works were all the rage,-- + (This gentleman's name was _Sing-Song-Strum_,)-- + Told the terrible tale on his popular page: + (Compar'd with _his_ verses, _my_ rhymes are but rum!) + The Royal Society claim'd, as their right, + The spoils of the vanquish'd--his wings, tail, and claws; + And a brilliant bravura, describing the fight, + Was sung on the stage with unbounded applause. + "The valiant _Bam-Boo_" was a favourite toast, + And a topic for future historians to fag on, + Which, when it had reach'd to the Middlesex coast, + Gave rise to the legend of "_George and the Dragon_." + +[49] "Better know to illiterate people as _Confucius_." + --WASHINGTON IRVING. + +[50] In _China_ (whatever European astronomers may assert to the + contrary) an _eclipse_ is caused by a _great dragon + eating up the sun_. + +To avert so shocking an outrage, the natives frighten away the monster +from his intended _hot_ dinner, by giving a morning concert, _al +fresco_; consisting of drums, trumpets, cymbals, gongs, tin-kettles, &c. + + + + + A PASSAGE IN THE LIFE OF BEAUMARCHAIS. + BY GEORGE HOGARTH. + +M. de Beaumarchais, the celebrated French dramatist, was one of the +most remarkable men of his time, though his fame now rests in a great +measure on his two comedies, _Le Barbier de Seville_, and _Le Mariage +de Figaro_; and even these titles are now-a-days much more generally +associated with the names of Rossini and Mozart, than with that of +Beaumarchais. Few comedies, however, have been more popular on the +French stage than these delightful productions. The character of Susanna +was the _chef d'oeuvre_ of the fascinating Mademoiselle Contat; and +has preserved its attractions, almost down to the present time, in the +hands of her evergreen successor, the inimitable Mars. The Count and +Countess Almaviva, Susanna, Figaro, and Cherubino, have now become +the property of Italian singers; and, in this musical age, even the +French public have been content to give up the wit, satire, point, and +playfulness of the original comedies, for those meagre outlines which +have been made the vehicles for the most charming dramatic music in +the world. Not that _Il Barbiere di Siviglia_ and _Le Nozze di Figaro_ +are not lively and amusing, considered as operas; but the _vis comica_ +of Beaumarchais has almost entirely evaporated in the process of +transmutation. + +None of the other dramatic works of Beaumarchais are comparable to +these. Some of them bear marks of immature genius; and his last play, +_La Mère Coupable_, the conclusion of the history of the Almaviva +family, was written after a long interval, and when advanced age, and +a life of cares and troubles, appear to have extinguished the author's +gaiety, and changed the tone of his feelings. The play is written with +power, but it is gloomy, and even tragical; succeeding its lively and +brilliant precursors as a sunset of clouds and darkness closes a bright +and smiling day. It painfully disturbs the agreeable associations +produced by the names of its characters; and, for the sake of these +associations, every one who reads it must wish to forget it. + +But it is not so much to the writings of Beaumarchais, as to himself, +that we wish at present to direct the attention of our readers. His life +was anything but that of a man of letters. He possessed extraordinary +talents for affairs; and, during his whole life, was deeply engaged +in important pursuits both of a private and public nature. Extensive +commercial enterprises, lawsuits of singular complication, and missions +of great moment as a political agent, withdrew him from the walks of +literature, and probably prevented him (as one of his biographers +has remarked) from enriching the French stage with twenty dramatic +masterpieces, instead of two or three. In this respect he resembled our +Sheridan, as well as in the character of his genius; for we know of no +plays that are more akin to each other, in many remarkable features, +than _The School for Scandal_ and _Le Mariage de Figaro_. + +It is a remarkable circumstance in the history of Beaumarchais, that a +considerable portion of his literary fame was derived from a species +of composition from which anything of the kind could hardly have been +expected,--the pleadings, or law-papers, in the various causes in +which he was involved. The proceedings in the French parliaments, or +high courts of justice, were totally different from those with which +we are acquainted in England; though they were similar to those which +were practised in the Scottish court of session, (a tribunal formed +on the French model,) before that court came in for its share in the +general progress of reform. There were no juries; the proceedings were +conducted under the direction of a single judge, whose business it was +to prepare the cause for decision, and then to make a report upon it +to the whole court, by whom the judgment was given. A favourable view +of the case from the reporting judge was, of course, an object of much +importance; and the most urgent solicitations by the litigants and their +friends--nay, even bribes--were often employed to obtain it. A charge +against Beaumarchais,--a groundless one, however,--of having attempted +to bribe the wife of one of these judges, exposed him to a long and +violent persecution. Among his enemies were men of rank and power; the +grossest calumnies against him were circulated in the highest quarters, +and countenanced by the court in which he was a litigant; the bar became +afraid to support him, and he could no longer find an advocate. In these +forlorn circumstances the energy of his character did not abandon him, +and he resolved to become his own advocate. + +The pleadings in the French courts of those days were all written. The +cause was debated in _mémoires_, or memorials, in which the pleas of +the parties were stated without any of our technical formality. Law, +logic, eloquence, pathos, and sarcasm, were all employed, in whatever +way the pleader thought most advantageous. The paper was printed and +distributed, not only among the judges, but among the friends and +connexions of the parties; and when the case excited much interest, the +distribution was often so extensive as almost to amount to publication. +Beaumarchais, deserted by his former advocates, began to compose his own +memorials, to which he found means to obtain the mere signature of some +member of the bar. In this manner he fought a long and desperate battle, +in which, after some severe reverses, (one of which was the burning of +a series of his memorials by the common hangman, pursuant to a sentence +of the court,) he at length achieved a complete and signal victory over +all his enemies, whom he not only defeated on the immediate subjects of +dispute, but overwhelmed with universal ridicule and contempt. + +In the mean time these _mémoires_ produced an extraordinary sensation +throughout France. When a new one appeared, it flew from hand to hand +like lightning. The causes in which Beaumarchais was involved were so +interesting in themselves, and connected with such strange occurrences, +that, had they belonged to the period of the _Causes Célèbres_, they +would have made a remarkable figure in that famous collection. Their +interest was increased a thousand-fold by the memorials of Beaumarchais. +"The genius," says a French writer, "with which they are marked, the +originality of the style, the dramatic form of the narrative, mingled +with fine bursts of eloquence, keep the attention always awake; while +the logical clearness of the reasoning, and the art of accompanying +every statement of facts with striking and conclusive evidence, lay hold +of the mind, and interest and instruct, without fatiguing the reader. +But their most remarkable feature is the noble firmness of mind which +they display; the serenity of a lofty spirit which the most terrible +and unforeseen reverses were unable to subdue or intimidate; the stamp, +in short, of a great character which is impressed upon them." These +writings of Beaumarchais are spoken of in terms of admiration by the +most eminent literati of that day, especially by Voltaire, in many parts +of his correspondence; they attracted the notice of the government, and +procured for their author several political missions, the results of +which had no small influence on the public affairs of the time. + +We have given this sketch of the character of Beaumarchais by way of +introduction to an account of a remarkable incident of his life, taken +from one of those extraordinary productions. Among other calumnies, he +had been charged, at one time with a series of atrocities committed in +Spain ten years before; and, among other things, with having endeavoured +to bully a Spanish gentleman into a marriage with his sister, whom that +gentleman had kept as a mistress; and it was added that he had been +expelled from Spain in disgrace. In one of his _mémoires_ he answers +these accusations, by giving a narrative of his residence in Spain +during the period in question. It is a leaf of "the romance of real +life," and the interest of the story is heightened by the conviction +of its entire truth; for every fact is confirmed by evidence, and the +smallest incorrectness, as the writer knew, would be laid hold of by +his enemies. Goethe, it is not immaterial to add, has made it the +subject of his tragedy of _Clavijo_, the characters of which consist +of Beaumarchais himself, and the other persons introduced into his +narrative; though the great German dramatist has taken some poetical +liberties with the story, especially in its tragical catastrophe. + +The following narrative is a _condensation_ of the original, which +contains minute details and pieces of evidence, of great importance to +M. de Beaumarchais' object at the time,--a conclusive vindication of his +character, but not at all conducive to the interest of the story. + +"For some years I had enjoyed the happiness of living in the bosom +of my family; and our domestic union consoled me for all I suffered +through the malice of my enemies. I had five sisters. Two of them had +been committed by my father, at a very early age, to the care of one of +his correspondents in Spain, so that I had only that faint but pleasant +remembrance of them which is associated with our days of childhood. This +remembrance, however, was kept alive by frequent correspondence. + +"In February 1764, my father received from his eldest daughter a letter +of very painful import. 'My sister,' she wrote, 'has been grossly abused +by a powerful and dangerous man. Twice, when on the point of marrying +her, he has broken his word, and withdrawn without condescending to +assign any reason for his conduct; and my poor sister's wounded feelings +have thrown her into a state of depression from which we have faint +hopes of her recovery. For these six days she has not spoken a word. +Under this unmerited stigma, we are living in the deepest retirement. +I weep night and day, and endeavour to offer the unhappy girl comfort +which I cannot find myself.' + +"My father put his daughter's letter into my hands, 'Try, my son,' he +said, 'what you can do for these poor girls. They are your sisters as +well as the others.' + +"'Alas, my dear father,' I said, 'what can I do for them? What +assistance shall I ask? Who knows but they may have brought this +disgrace upon themselves by some fault of their own?' + +"My father showed me some letters from our ambassador to my elder +sister, in which he spoke of both of them in terms of the highest +esteem. I read these letters. They gave me courage; and my father's +phrase, 'They are your sisters as well as the others,' had sunk into my +heart. 'Console yourself,' I said to him, 'I am going to adopt a course +that may surprise you; but it appears to me the surest and the most +prudent. My eldest sister mentions several respectable persons in Paris +who can give testimony to the good conduct and virtue of her sister. I +will see them; and if their testimony is as honourable as that of our +ambassador, I shall instantly set out for Madrid, and either punish the +traitor who has outraged them, or bring them back with me to share my +humble fortune.' + +"My inquiries were completely satisfactory. I immediately returned to +Versailles, and informed my august patronesses,[51] that business, no +less painful than urgent, demanded my immediate presence at Madrid. +I showed them my sister's letter, and received their permission to +depart, in terms of the kindest encouragement. My preparations were +soon made, as I dreaded that I might not arrive in time to save my poor +sister's life. I obtained the strongest letters of recommendation to +our ambassador at Madrid; and my ancient friend, M. Duvernay, gave me +a credit on himself to the amount of two hundred thousand francs, to +enable me to transact a piece of commercial business, and at the same +time to increase my personal consideration. I was accompanied by one of +my friends, a merchant, who had some business in Spain; but who went +also partly on my account. + +"We travelled day and night, and arrived in Madrid on the 18th of May +1764. I had been expected for some days, and found my sisters in the +midst of their friends. As soon as the feelings, caused by a meeting +between a brother and his sisters, so long separated, and seeing each +other once more under such circumstances, had subsided, I earnestly +conjured them to give me an exact account of all that had happened, in +order that I might be able to serve them effectually. The story was long +and minute. When I had heard it to an end, I embraced my young sister: + +"'Now that know all, my dear girl,' I said, 'keep your mind at ease. I +am delighted to see that you no longer love this man, and my part is all +the easier on that account. All that I want now, is to know where I can +find him.' + +"Our friends began eagerly to advise me to go, first of all, to +Aranjuez, and wait upon the French ambassador, in order to obtain his +protection against a man whose official situation gave him so much +influence with people in power. But I had made up my mind to follow a +different course; and, without giving any intimation of my intention, I +merely begged that my arrival might be kept a secret till my return from +Aranjuez. + +"I immediately changed my travelling dress, and found my way to the +residence of Don Joseph Clavijo, keeper of the archives of the +crown. He was from home, but I went in search of him; and it was in +the drawing-room of a lady whom he had gone to visit that I told him, +that, having just arrived from France, and being intrusted with some +commissions for him, I was anxious to have an interview with him as +soon as possible. He asked me to breakfast the following morning; and I +accepted the invitation for myself and the French merchant who was along +with me. + +"Next morning, I was with him at half-past eight o'clock. I found him in +a splendid house, which, he said, belonged to Don Antonio Portugues, the +highly-respected head of one of the government offices, and so much his +friend, that in his absence he used the house as if it were his own. + +"'I am commissioned, sir,' I began, 'by a society of men of letters, +to establish, in the different towns which I visit, a literary +correspondence with the most distinguished men of the place; and I am +sure that I cannot serve my friends more effectually than by opening a +correspondence between them and the distinguished author of the papers +published under the title of the '_Pensador_'.[52] + +"He seemed delighted with the proposal. That I might the better know +my man, I allowed him to expatiate on the advantages which different +countries might derive from this kind of literary intercourse. His +manner became quite affectionate; he talked like on oracle; and was all +smiles and self-satisfaction. At last he bethought himself of asking +what business of my own had brought me to Spain, politely expressing his +wish to be of service to me. + +"'I accept,' I said, 'your kind offers with much gratitude, and assure +you, sir, that I shall explain my business very openly.' + +"With the view of throwing him into a state of perplexity in which I +intended him to remain till it should be cleared up by the conclusion +of what I had to say, I again introduced my friend to him, telling him +that the gentleman was not unacquainted with the matter, and that his +presence would do no harm. At this exordium, Clavijo turned his eyes on +my friend with an air of curiosity. I began: + +"'A French merchant, who had a numerous family and a narrow fortune, +had several correspondents in Spain. One of the richest of them, +happening to be at Paris nine or ten years ago, proposed to adopt two +of his daughters. He would take them, he said, to Madrid; he was an +old bachelor; they should be to him as children, and be the comfort of +his old age; and after his death they should succeed to his mercantile +establishment. The two eldest daughters were committed to his care. Two +years afterwards he died, leaving the Frenchwomen without any other +advantage than the burden of carrying on an embarrassed commercial +house. Their good conduct, however, and amiable qualities, gained them +many friends, who exerted themselves to increase their credit and +improve their circumstances.' + +"I observed Clavijo become very attentive. + +"'About this time, a young man, a native of the Canaries, got an +introduction to their house.' + +"Clavijo's gaiety of countenance vanished. + +"'Anxious to make himself known, this young gentleman conceived the +idea of giving Madrid a pleasure of a novel description in Spain, by +establishing a periodical paper in the style of the English _Spectator_. +He received encouragement and assistance, and nobody doubted that his +undertaking would be fully successful. It was then that, animated by the +hope of reputation and fortune, he made a proposal of marriage to the +younger of the French ladies. The elder told him, that he should first +endeavour to succeed in the world; and that as soon as some regular +employment, or other means of honourable subsistence, should give him +a right to think of her sister, her consent, if he gained her sister's +affections, should not be wanting.' + +"He became restless and agitated. Without seeming to notice his manner, +I went on. + +"'The younger sister, touched by her admirer's merit, refused several +advantageous proposals; and, preferring to wait till he who had loved +her, for four years, should realise the hopes which he and his friends +entertained, encouraged him to publish the first number of his journal +under the imposing title of the _Pensador_.' + +"Clavijo looked as if he were going to faint. + +"'The work,' I continued with the utmost coldness, 'had a prodigious +success. The king, delighted with so charming a production, gave +the author public marks of favour; and he was promised the first +honourable employment that should be vacant. He then removed, by an open +prosecution of his suit, every other person who had sought my sister's +hand. The marriage was delayed only till the promised post should be +obtained. At six months' end the post made its appearance, but the man +vanished.' + +"Here my listener heaved an involuntary sigh, and, perceiving what he +had done, reddened with confusion. I went on without interruption. + +"'The matter had gone too far to be allowed to drop in this manner. A +suitable house had been taken; the bans had been published. The common +friends of the parties were indignant at such an outrage; the ambassador +of France interfered; and when this man saw that the French ladies had +protectors whose influence might be greater than his own, and might even +destroy his opening prospects, he returned to throw himself at the feet +of his offended mistress. He got her friends to intercede for him; and +as the anger of a forsaken woman has generally love at the bottom, a +reconciliation soon took place. The marriage preparations were resumed; +the bans were re-published; the ceremony was to take place in three +days. The reconciliation had made as much noise as the rupture. The +lover set out for St. Ildefonso to ask the minister's consent to his +marriage; entreating his friends to preserve for him till his return the +now precarious affection of his mistress, and to arrange everything for +the immediate performance of the ceremony.' + +"In the horrible state into which he was thrown by this recital, but +yet uncertain whether I might not be telling a story in which I had +no personal interest, Clavijo from time to time fixed his eyes on my +friend, whose _sangfroid_ was no less puzzling than mine. I now looked +him steadily in the face, and went on in a sterner tone. + +"'Two days afterwards he returned indeed from court; but, instead of +leading his victim to the altar, he sent word to the poor girl that he +had once more changed his mind, and would not marry her. Her indignant +friends hastened to his house. The villain no longer kept any measures +with them, but defied them to hurt him, telling them that if the +Frenchwomen were disposed to give him any trouble, they had better take +care of themselves. On hearing this intelligence, the young woman fell +into convulsions so violent, that her life was long despaired of. In +the midst of their desolation, the elder wrote to France an account of +the public affront that they had received. They had a brother, who, +deeply moved by the story, flew to Madrid, determined to investigate +the affair to the bottom. _I_ am that brother. _It is I_ who have left +everything--my country, my family, my duties--to avenge in Spain the +cause of an innocent and unhappy sister. _It is I_ who come, armed with +justice and resolution, to unmask and punish a villain; and _it is you_ +who are that villain.' + +"It is easier to imagine than describe the appearance of this man by +the time I had concluded my speech. His mouth opened from time to time, +and inarticulate sounds died away on his tongue. His countenance, at +first so radiant with complacency and satisfaction, gradually darkened; +his eyes became dim, his features lengthened, his complexion pale and +haggard. + +"He tried to stammer out some phrases by way of justification. 'Do not +interrupt me, sir,' I said; 'you have nothing to say to me, and much to +hear from me. In the first place, have the goodness to declare before +this gentleman, who has accompanied me from France on account of this +very business, whether, owing to any want of faith, levity, weakness, +ill-temper, or any other fault, my sister has deserved the double +outrage she has received from you.' + +"'No, sir; I acknowledge Donna Maria, your sister, to be a young lady +full of charms, accomplishments, and virtues.' + +"'Has she ever, since you have known her, given you any ground of +complaint?' + +"'No, never.' + +"'Well, then, monster that you are! why have you had the barbarity to +bring a poor girl to death's door, merely because her heart gave you the +preference over half a dozen other persons more respectable and better +than you?' + +"'Ah, sir, I have been advised, instigated: if you knew----' + +"I interrupted him: 'That is quite sufficient,' I said. Then, turning +to my friend, 'You have heard my sister's justification; pray go, and +make it known. What I have further to say to this gentleman requires no +witness.' + +"My friend left the room. Clavijo rose, but I made him resume his seat. + +"'It does not suit my views, any more than yours, that you should marry +my sister; and you are probably aware that I am not come here to play +the brother's part in a comedy, who desires to bring about his sister's +happiness, as it is called. You have thought fit to insult a respectable +young woman, because you thought her friendless in a strange land; your +conduct has been base and dishonourable. You will please, therefore, +to begin by acknowledging, under your hand, at perfect freedom, with +all your doors open and all your domestics in the room, (who will not +understand us, as we shall speak French,) that you have causelessly +deceived, betrayed, insulted my sister. With this declaration in my hand +I shall hasten to Aranjuez, where our ambassador is; I shall show him +the paper, and then have it printed; to-morrow it shall be abundantly +circulated through the court and the city. I have some credit here--I +have time and money; all shall be employed to deprive you of your place, +and to pursue you without respite, and in every possible way, till my +sister herself shall entreat me to forbear.' + +"'I shall make no such declaration,' said Clavijo, almost inarticulate +from agitation. + +"'I dare say not, for I don't think, were I in your place, that I should +do so myself. But you must consider the other alternative. From this +moment I remain at your elbow. I will not leave you a moment. Wherever +you go, I will go, till you shall have no other way of getting rid of so +troublesome a neighbour but by going with me behind the Palace of Buen +Retiro. If I am the survivor, sir, without even seeing the ambassador, +or speaking to a single soul here, I shall take my dying sister in my +arms, put her in my carriage, and return with her to France. If the luck +is yours, all is ended with me. You will then be at liberty to enjoy +your triumph, and laugh at your dupes as much as you please. Will you +have the goodness to order breakfast.' + +"I rose, and rang the bell; a servant brought in breakfast. I took my +cup of chocolate, while Clavijo, in deep thought, walked about the room. +At length he seemed all at once to form a resolution. + +"'M. de Beaumarchais,' he said, 'hear me. Nothing on earth can justify +my conduct towards your sister; ambition has been my ruin; but if I +had imagined that Donna Maria had a brother like you, far from looking +upon her as a stranger without friends or connexions, I should have +anticipated the greatest advantages from our union. You have inspired +me with the greatest esteem; and I throw myself on your generosity, +beseeching you to assist me in redressing, as far as I am able, the +injuries I have done your sister. Restore her to me, sir; and I shall +esteem myself too happy in receiving, from your hands, my wife and +forgiveness of my offences.' + +"'It is too late,' I replied; 'my sister no longer loves you. Write a +declaration,--that is all I require of you; and be satisfied that, as an +open enemy, I will avenge my sister's wrongs till her own resentment is +appeased.' + +"He made many difficulties; objecting to the style in which I demanded +his declaration; to its being all in his hand-writing; and to my +insisting that the domestics should be in the room while he was writing +it. But the alternative was pressing, and he had probably some lurking +hope of regaining the affections of the woman who had loved him so +long. His pride, therefore, gave way; and he submitted to write the +declaration, which I dictated to him, walking about the room. It +contained an ample testimony to the blameless character of my sister, +and an acknowledgment of his causeless treachery towards her. + +"When he had written and signed the paper, I put it in my pocket, and +took my leave, repeating what I had said, as to the use I meant to make +of it. He besought me, at least, to tell my sister of the marks of +sincere repentance he had exhibited; and I promised to do so. + +"My friend's return before me, to my sister's, had produced great alarm +in the little circle that were waiting for us. I found the females +in tears, and the men very uneasy. But when they heard my account of +my interview, and saw the declaration, the general anxiety was turned +into joy and congratulation. Every one was of a different opinion: some +insisted on ruining Clavijo; others were inclined to forgive him; and +others, again, were for leaving everything to my prudence. My sister +entreated that she might never hear of him more. I resolved to go to +Aranjuez and lay the whole affair before the Marquis D'Ossun, our +ambassador. + +"Before setting out, I wrote to Clavijo, telling him that my sister +would not hear a word in his favour, and that I was therefore determined +to adhere to my intention of doing all I could to avenge her injuries. +He begged to see me; and I went without hesitation to his house. His +language was full of the most bitter self-reproach; and, after many +earnest entreaties, he obtained my permission to visit my elder sister, +accompanied by a mutual friend, and my promise, in case he should fail +in obtaining forgiveness, not to publish his dishonour till after my +return from Aranjuez. + +"The Marquis D'Ossun received me very kindly. I told him my story, +concluding with an account of my meeting with Clavijo, which he could +hardly credit, till I showed him the declaration. He asked me what +were my views--did I desire to make Clavijo marry my sister?--'No, my +lord, my object is to disgrace him publicly.' The Marquis dissuaded me +from proceeding to extremities. Clavijo, he said, was a rising man, +and evidently in the way of great advancement; ambition had alienated +him from my sister; but ambition, repentance, or affection, seemed +to be bringing him back; all things considered, Clavijo seemed an +advantageous match, and the wisest thing I could do was to get the +marriage celebrated immediately. He hinted further, that, by following +his advice, I should do him a pleasure, for reasons which he could not +explain. + +"I returned to Madrid, much troubled by the result of this conference. +On arriving at my sister's, I found that Clavijo had been there, +accompanied by some mutual friends, in order to beseech my sisters to +forgive him. Maria, on his appearance, had fled to her own room, and +would not appear; and I was told he had conceived hopes from this little +ebullition of resentment. I concluded, for my part, that he was well +acquainted with woman, whose soft and tender nature, however deeply she +may have been injured, is always prone to pardon the repentant lover +whom she sees kneeling at her feet. + +"After my return from Aranjuez, Clavijo found means to see me every +day. I was delighted with his talents and attainments, and, above all, +with the manly confidence he appeared to have in my mediation. I was +sincerely desirous to favour his suit; but the profound respect which my +poor sister had for my judgment rendered me very circumspect in regard +to her. It was her happiness, and not her fortune, that I wished to +secure; her heart, and not her hand, that I wished to dispose of. + +"On the 25th of May, Clavijo suddenly left the house of M. Portugues, +and retired to the house of an officer of his acquaintance, in the +quarters of the invalids. This hasty move appeared somewhat singular, +though it did not, at the moment, give me any uneasiness. I went to +see him: he explained his precipitate retreat by saying that, as M. +Portugues was very much opposed to his marriage, he thought he could +not give me a better proof of his sincerity than by leaving the house of +so powerful an enemy of my sister. This appeared probable, and I felt +obliged to him for so delicate a proceeding. + +"Next day I received a letter from him, breathing the utmost frankness, +honour, and good feeling. He renewed his offer of marriage, if my sister +would only forgive his past conduct. He protested the most devoted and +unalterable love for her; and called upon me to perform my promise of +interceding for him. If it were possible for him, he said, to leave +Madrid without an express order from the head of his department, he +would instantly set out for Aranjuez to obtain that minister's consent +to the marriage: he therefore begged that I would undertake that matter +for him; and said that my prompt compliance would be the most convincing +proof of my sincere good wishes. + +"I read this letter to my sisters; Maria burst into tears. I embraced +her tenderly. 'Well, poor child, you love him after all; and are +mightily ashamed of it, no doubt! I see it all; but never mind--you +are a good excellent girl, notwithstanding; and since your resentment +is dying away, let it be extinguished altogether in the tears of +forgiveness. They are sweet and soothing after tears of grief and anger. +He is a sad fellow, this Clavijo, to be sure, like most men; but, such +as he is, I join our worthy ambassador in advising you to forgive him. +For his own sake, perhaps,' I added, laughing, 'I might have been as +well pleased had he fought me; for yours, I am much better pleased that +he has not.' + +"I ran on in this way till my sister began to smile in the midst of her +tears. I took this as a silent consent, and hastened away in search of +her lover. I told him he was a hundred times happier than he deserved; +and he agreed that I was in the right. I brought him to my sister's. The +poor girl was overwhelmed, on all hands, by entreating friends, till +at last, with a blush and a sigh of mingled pleasure and shame, she +whispered a consent that we might dispose of her as we pleased. Clavijo +was in raptures. In his joy, he ran to my writing-desk, and wrote a +paper containing a brief but formal mutual engagement, which he signed, +and then kneeling, presented it to my sister for her signature. The +gentlemen present, joined their entreaties to his, and thus a written +consent was extorted from my poor sister, who, no longer knowing where +to hide her head, threw herself weeping into my arms, whispering in my +ear, that really I was a hard-hearted man, and had no pity for her. + +"We spent a very happy evening, as may well be imagined. At eleven +o'clock I set out for Aranjuez, for in that warm climate the night is +the pleasantest time for travelling. I communicated all that had passed +to the ambassador, who was much pleased, and praised my conduct more +than it deserved. I then waited on M. de Grimaldi, the minister at the +head of Clavijo's department. He received me kindly, gave his consent to +the marriage, and wished my sister every happiness; but observed that +Don Joseph Clavijo might have spared me the journey, because a letter to +the minister was the usual form, and would have been quite sufficient. + +"On my return to Madrid, I found a letter from Clavijo, written in great +apparent agitation, in which he told me, that copies of a pretended +declaration, said to be by him, had got into circulation, and that it +was in such terms that he could not show his face while impressions +subsisted so derogatory to his character and honour. He therefore begged +me to show the paper he had really signed, and give copies of it. +Subjoined to his letter was a copy of this pretended declaration, which +was conceived in the most false, exaggerated, and abominable language, +and was all in his own hand-writing. He further said, that, in the mean +time, and till the public should be disabused, _it would be better that +we should not see each other for a few days_; for, if we did, it might +be supposed that the pretended paper was the real one, and that the +other, now appearing for the first time, was concocted afterwards. + +"I was a little out of humour at the conclusion drawn by Clavijo from +this base fabrication. I reproached him gently for taking such an +unreasonable view of the matter; and, as I found him unwell, I promised +that as soon as he was able to go out, we should go everywhere together, +and that I should make it appear that I looked upon him as a brother and +an honourable man. + +"We made all the arrangements for the marriage. In case he might not be +fully supplied with money, I offered him my purse; and I presented him +with some jewels and French laces, to enable him to make my sister a +wedding gift. He accepted the jewels and laces, because, as he said, it +would be difficult to find anything so handsome at Madrid; but I could +not prevail on him to receive the money I offered him. + +"Next day, a Spanish valet robbed me of a large sum of money and a +number of valuable articles. I immediately waited on the governor of +Madrid to make my complaint, and was somewhat surprised at the very cold +reception I met with. I wrote to the French ambassador on the subject, +and thought no more of it. + +"I continued my attentions to my sick friend, which were received with +every appearance of affectionate gratitude; but, on the 5th of June, +when I came as usual to see him, I found, to my utter astonishment, that +he had, once more, suddenly decamped. + +"I got inquiries made after him at all the lodging-houses in Madrid, and +at last discovered his new abode. I expressed my surprise in stronger +language than on the previous occasion. He told me that he had learned +that his friend with whom he was staying, had been blamed for sharing +with another a lodging which was given by the king for his own use +only; and that he had been so much hurt at this, that he thought it +necessary to leave his friend's apartments instantly, without regarding +the embarrassment it might occasion, the state of his health, the +untimely hour, or any other consideration. I could not but approve of +his delicacy; but kindly scolded him for not having come to reside at +my sister's, whither I offered to take him at once. He thanked me most +affectionately, but found some reason for excusing himself. + +"Next day, under trifling pretexts, he refused my repeated offers of +an apartment at my sister's. My friends began to shake their heads, +and my sister looked anxious and unhappy. It was similar evasions +that had twice already preceded his total desertion. I felt angry at +these forebodings, which I insisted were groundless; but I found that +suspicion was creeping into my own mind. To get rid of it, on the day +fixed for signing the contract, (the seventh of June,) I sent for the +apostolic notary, whose function it is to superintend this ceremony. +But what was my surprise when this official told me that he was going +to make Señor Clavijo sign a declaration of a very different nature; as +he had, the day before, received a writ of opposition to my sister's +marriage, on the part of a young woman who affirmed that she had a +promise from Clavijo, given in 1755, nine years before! + +"I inquired who the woman was, and was told by the notary that she was a +waiting-woman. In a transport of rage, I ran to Clavijo, loaded him with +threats and reproaches. He besought me to moderate my anger and suspend +my opinion. He had long ago, he said, made some such promise to Madame +Portugues's waiting-woman, who was a pretty girl; but he had never since +heard of it, and believed that the girl was now set on by some enemy of +Donna Maria. The affair, he assured me, was a trifle, and could be got +rid of by the aid of a few pistoles. He repeated his vows of eternal +constancy to Maria, and begged me to return at eight o'clock in the +evening, when he would go with me to an eminent advocate, who would +easily put him on the way of getting rid of this trifling obstacle. + +"I left him, full of indecision and bitterness of heart. I could make +nothing of his conduct, or imagine any reasonable object he could have +in deceiving me. At eight o'clock I returned to his lodgings with two of +my friends; but we had hardly got out of the carriage, when the landlady +came to the door, and told me that Señor Clavijo had removed from her +house an hour before, and was gone she knew not whither. + +"Thunderstruck at this intelligence, and unable to believe it, I went +up to the room he had occupied. Every thing belonging to him had +been carried off. Perplexed and dismayed, I returned home, and had +no sooner arrived than a courier from Aranjuez brought me a letter, +which he had been ordered to deliver with the utmost speed. It was +from the French ambassador. He informed me that the governor of Madrid +had just been with him, to tell him that Señor Clavijo had retired to +a place of safety, in order to protect himself from the violence he +apprehended from me, as I had, a few days before, compelled him, in his +own house, and with a pistol at his breast, to sign an engagement to +marry my sister. The Marquis, at the same time, expressed his belief +of my innocence; but feared that the affair might be turned to my +disadvantage, and requested that I would do nothing whatever until I had +seen him. + +"I was utterly confounded. This man, who for weeks had been treating me +like a brother,--who had been writing me letter upon letter, full of +affection,--who had earnestly besought me to give him my sister, and had +visited her again and again as her betrothed husband,--this monster had +been all the while secretly plotting my destruction! + +"Suddenly an officer of the Walloon guards came into the room. 'M. de +Beaumarchais,' he said, 'you have not a moment to lose. Save yourself, +or to-morrow morning you will be arrested in your bed. The order is +given, and I am come to apprise you of it. Your adversary is a monster. +He has contrived to set almost everybody against you, and has led you +into snare after snare, till he has found means to make himself your +public accuser. Fly instantly, I beseech you. Once immured in a dungeon, +you will have neither protection nor defence.' + +"'I fly!--I make my escape!--I will die sooner. Say not a word more, my +friends. Let me have a travelling carriage to-morrow morning at four +o'clock, and meanwhile leave me to prepare for my journey to Aranjuez.' + +"I shut myself up in my room. My mind was utterly exhausted. I threw +myself into a chair, where I remained for two hours in a state of total +vacuity of thought. At length I roused myself. I reflected on all the +circumstances of the case, and on the abundant proofs of my integrity. I +sat down to my desk, and, with the rapidity of a man in a high fever, I +wrote an exact journal of my actions since my arrival at Madrid: names, +dates, conversations,--everything sprang, as it were, into my memory, +and fixed itself under my pen. I was still writing at five in the +morning, when I was told that my carriage was ready. Some friends wanted +to accompany me. 'I wish to be alone,' I said. 'Twelve hours of solitude +are not more than necessary to calm the agitation of my frame.' I set +out for Aranjuez. + +"When I arrived, the ambassador was at the palace, and I could not see +him till eleven o'clock at night. He was glad, he said, I was come; for +he had been very uneasy about me. During the last fortnight my adversary +had gained all the avenues of the palace; and, had it not been for him, +I should have been already arrested, and probably sent to a dungeon for +life, on the African coast. He had done what he could with M. Grimaldi, +the minister, to whom he had earnestly represented his conviction of my +probity and honour; but all was without effect. 'You must really go, M. +de Beaumarchais,' he continued. 'You have not a moment to lose. I can do +nothing in opposition to the general impression against you, or against +the positive order that has been issued for your imprisonment; and I +should be sincerely grieved should any calamity happen to you in this +country. You must leave Spain instantly.' + +"I did not shed tears while he was speaking, but large drops of water +fell at intervals from my eyes, gathered in them by the contraction +of my whole frame. I was stupified and speechless. The ambassador was +affected by my situation, and spoke to me in the kindest and most +soothing manner; but still persisted in saying that I must yield to +necessity, and escape from consequences which could not otherwise be +averted. I implored him to think of the ruin to my own character in +France if I fled from Spain under such circumstances;--to consider the +situation of my unhappy, innocent sister. He said he would write to +France, where his account of my conduct would he credited; and that, as +to my sister, he would not neglect her. I could bear this conversation +no longer; but, abruptly quitting his presence, I rushed out of the +house, and wandered all night in the dark alleys of the park of +Aranjuez, in a state of inexpressible anguish. + +"In the morning, my courage rose; and, determined to obtain justice or +perish, I repaired to the levee of M. Grimaldi, the minister. While I +waited in his ante-chamber, I heard several voices pronounce the name +of M. Whal. That distinguished and venerable statesman, who had retired +from the ministry that, in the close of life, he might have a brief +interval of repose, was then residing in M. Grimaldi's house. I heard +this, and was suddenly inspired with the idea of having recourse to him +for protection. I requested permission to see him, as a stranger who had +something of importance to communicate. I was admitted; and the sight +of his mild and noble countenance gave me courage. I told him that my +only claim to his favour was that I was a native of the country in which +he himself was born, persecuted almost to death by cruel and powerful +enemies; but this title, I trusted, was sufficient to obtain for me the +protection of a just and virtuous man. + +"'You are a Frenchman,' he said, 'and that is always a strong claim with +me. But you tremble--you are pale and breathless; sit down--compose +yourself, and tell me the cause of such violent agitation.' He ordered +that no one should be admitted; and I, in an unspeakable state of +hope and fear, requested permission to read my journal of occurrences +since my arrival in Madrid. He complied, and I began to read. As I +went on, he from time to time begged me to be calm, and to read more +slowly that he might follow me the better; assuring me that he took the +greatest interest in my narrative. As I proceeded, I laid before him +in succession the letters and other documents which were referred to. +But when I came to the criminal charge against me,--to the order for my +imprisonment, which had been only suspended for a little by M. Grimaldi +at the request of our ambassador,--to the urgent advices which I had +received to make my escape, but which I avowed my determination not to +follow,--he uttered an exclamation, rose, and took me kindly by the hand: + +"'Unquestionably the king will do you justice, M. de Beaumarchais. The +ambassador, in spite of his regard for you, is obliged to act with the +caution which befits his office; but I am under no such restraint. It +shall never be said that a respectable Frenchman, after leaving his +home, his friends, his business,--after having travelled a thousand +miles to succour an innocent and unfortunate sister, has been driven +from this country, carrying with him the impression that no redress or +justice is to be obtained in Spain. It was I who placed this Clavijo +in the king's service, and I feel myself responsible for his infamous +conduct. Good God! how unhappy it is for statesmen that they cannot +become sufficiently aware of the real character of the persons they +employ, and thus get themselves surrounded by specious knaves, of whose +shameful actions they often bear the blame. A minister may be forgiven +for being deceived in the choice of a worthless subordinate; but when +once he comes to a knowledge of his character, there is no excuse for +retaining him a moment. For my part, I shall immediately set a good +example to my successors.' + +"So saying, he rang, ordered his carriage, and took me with him to the +palace. He sent for M. Grimaldi; and, while waiting for the arrival +of that minister, went into the king's closet, and told his majesty +the story, accusing himself of indiscretion in recommending such a man +to his majesty's favour. M. Grimaldi came; and I was called into the +royal presence. 'Read your memorial,' said M. Whal,--'every feeling and +honourable heart must be as much moved by it as I was.' I obeyed. The +king listened with attention and interest; examined the proofs of my +statements; and the result was an order that Clavijo should be deprived +of his employment, and dismissed for ever from his majesty's service." + +From subsequent parts of the narrative, it appears that Clavijo +exerted all his powers of cunning and intrigue in order to get himself +re-instated in his situation; not omitting further attempts to impose +upon M. de Beaumarchais, accompanied with abject entreaties and +hypocritical professions. All, however, was in vain; and this man, who +seems to have been an extraordinary compound of intellectual ability and +moral depravity, seems to have sunk into contempt and insignificance. +The young lady recovered the shock she had received; and was afterwards +happily married, and settled at Madrid. + +[51] The Princesses of France, in whose household M. de Beaumarchais + held an office. + +[52] The Reflector. + + + + + MARS AND VENUS. + + One day, upon that Trojan plain, + Where men in hecatombs were slain, + Th' immortal gods (no common sight) + Thought fit to mingle in the fight, + And found convincing proof that those + Who will in quarrels interpose + Are often doom'd to suffer harm-- + Venus was wounded in the arm; + Whilst Mars himself, the god of war, + Receiv'd an ignominious scar, + And, fairly beat by Diomed, + Fled back to heav'n and kept his bed. + That bed (the proof may still be seen) + Had long been shared with beauty's queen; + For, with th' adventure of the cage, + Vulcan had vented all his rage, (a) + And, like Italian husbands, he + Now wore his horns resignedly. + Ye modest critics! spare my song: + If gods and goddesses did wrong, + And revell'd in illicit love, + As poets, sculptors, painters, prove, + Is mine the fault? and, if I tell + Some tales of scandal that befell + In heathen times, why need my lays + On ladies' cheeks more blushes raise, + When read (if such my envied lot) + In secret boudoir, bower, or grot, + Than scenes which, in the blaze of light, + They throng to witness ev'ry night? + Ere you condemn my humble page, + Glance for a moment at the stage, + Where twirling gods to view expose + Their pliant limbs, in tighten'd hose, + And goddesses of doubtful fame + Are by lord chamberlains allow'd, + With practis'd postures, to inflame + The passions of a gazing crowd: + And if great camels, such as these, + Are swallow'd with apparent ease, + Oh! strain not at a gnat like me, + Nor deem me lost to decency, + When I now venture to declare + That Mars and Venus--guilty pair-- + On the same couch extended lay, + And cursed the fortunes of the day. + The little Loves, who round them flew, + Could only sob to show their feeling, + Since they, of course, much better knew + The art of wounding than of healing, + And Cupid's self essay'd in vain + To ease his lovely mother's pain: + The chaplet that his locks confin'd + He tore indeed her wound to bind; + But from her sympathetic fever + He had no nostrum to relieve her, + And, thinking that she might assuage + That fever, as she did her rage, + By talking loud,--her usual fashion + Whenever she was in a passion,-- + He stood, with looks resign'd and grave, + Prepar'd to hear his mother rave. + Who thus began: "Ah! Cupid, why + Was I so silly as to try + My fortune in the battle-field, (b) + Or seek a pond'rous spear to wield, + Which only Pallas (hated name!) + Of all her sex can wield aright? + What need had I of martial fame, + Sought 'midst the dangers of the fight, + When beauty's prize, a trophy far + More precious than the spoils of war, + Was mine already, won from those + Whom rivalry has made my foes, + And who on Trojan plains would sate + E'en with my blood that ranc'rous hate + Which Ida's neighb'ring heights inflame, + And not this wound itself can tame? + Ah! why did I not bear in mind + That Beauty, like th' inconstant wind, + Is always privileg'd to raise + The rage of others to a blaze, + Then, lull'd to rest, look calmly on, + And see the work of havoc done? + 'Twas well to urge your father, Mars, + To mingle in those hated wars; + 'Twas well--" But piteous cries of pain, + From him she named, here broke the chain + Of her discourse, and seem'd to say, + "What want of feeling you display!" + So, turning to her wounded lover, + She kindly urged him to discover + By whom and where the wound was given, + That sent him writhing back to heaven. + The god, thus question'd, hung his head, + A burning blush of shame o'erspread + With sudden flush his pallid cheek, + As thus he answer'd: "Dost thou seek + To hear a tale of dire disgrace, + Which all those honours must efface, + That, hitherto, have made my name + Pre-eminent in warlike fame? + Yet--since 'twas thou who bad'st me go + To fight with mortals there below-- + 'Tis fitting, too, that thou shouldst learn + What laurels 'twas my fate to earn. + At first, in my resistless car, + I seem'd indeed the god of war; + The Trojans rallied at my side; + Changed in its hue, the Xanthus' tide + Its waters to the ocean bore, + Empurpled deep in Grecian gore; + And o'er the corpse-impeded field + The cry was still 'They yield!--they yield!' + But soon, the flying ranks to stay, + Thy hated rivals joined the fray; + They nerved, with some accursed charm, + Each Greek's, but most Tydides' arm, + And, Venus, thou first felt the smart + Of his Minerva-guided dart. + I saw thee wounded, saw thee fly,-- + I saw the chief triumphantly + Tow'rds me, his ardent coursers turn, + As though from gods alone to earn + The highest honours of the fight; + I know not why, but, at the sight-- + Eternal shame upon my head!-- + A panic seized me, and I fled-- + I fled, like chaff before the wind, + And, ah! my wounds are all--behind!" + When thus at length the truth was told, + (The shameful truth of his disgrace,) + Again, within his mantle's fold, + The wounded coward hid his face; (c) + Whilst Venus, springing from his side, + With looks of scornful anger, cried, + "And didst thou fly from mortal foe, + Nor stay to strike one vengeful blow + For her who fondly has believ'd, + By all thy val'rous boasts deceiv'd, + That in the god of war she press'd + The first of heroes to her breast? + Cupid, my swans and car prepare-- + To Cyprus we will hasten, where + Some youth, as yet unknown to fame, + May haply raise another flame; + For Mars may take his leave of Venus, + No coward shall enjoy my love; + And nothing more shall pass between us,-- + I swear it by my fav'rite dove." + She spake; and through the realms of air, + Before the humbled god could dare + Upraise his head to urge her stay, + Already she had ta'en her way; + And in her Cyprian bow'r that night, + (If ancient scandal tell aright,) + Forgetful of her recent wound, + In place of Mars another found, + And to a mortal's close embraces + Surrender'd her celestial graces. + 'Tis said that Venus, wont to range + Both heav'n and earth in search of change, + Was not unwilling to discover + Some pretext to desert her lover; + Nor do I combat the assertion, + But from the _cause_ of her desertion, + Whilst you, fair readers, justly rail + Against _her morals_, I will dare + To draw _this moral_ for my tale,-- + "None but the brave deserve the fair!" + + NOTES. + + (a) Ovid thus speaks of the result of Vulcan's + exposure of his wife's infidelity: + + "Hoc tibi profectum, Vulcane, quod ante tegebant, + Liberius faciunt ut pudor omnis abest; + Sæpe tamen demens stultè fecisse fateris, + Teque ferunt iræ poenituisse tuæ." + + (b) Leonidas, in his beautiful epigram to Venus armed, says, + + [Greek: Areos entea tauta tinos charin, ô Kythireia, + Endidysai, keneon touto pherousa baros, + Auton Arê' gymnê gar aphoplisas, ei de lileiptai + Kai theos, anthrôpois opla matên epageis.] + + (c) The ancients were seldom guilty of making the actions of their + gods inconsistent with their general character and attributes; + but there seems to have been much of the Captain Bobadil in + the mighty god of war, and the instance of cowardice here alluded + to is not the only one recorded of him by the pts. In the wars + with the Titans he showed a decided "white feather," and suffered + himself to be made prisoner. + + + + + AN EVENING MEDITATION. + + I love the sound of Nature's happy voice, + The music of a summer evening's sky, + When all things fair and beautiful rejoice, + As though their glory ne'er would fade and die. + Sweet is the breeze as 'mid the flowers it sings, + Sweet is the melody of falling streams, + Sweet is the sky-lark's song as borne on wings + Of waving light--a bird of heaven she seems. + Oh! for the hours, when wrapt in joy I've sat, + And felt that harmony--"_all round my hat!_" + SIGMA. + + + + + THE DEVIL AND JOHNNY DIXON. + BY THE AUTHOR OF "STORIES OF WATERLOO." + + _Arnold._ Your form is man's, + and yet you may be the devil. + + _Stranger._ Unless you keep company with + him (and you seem scarce used to such high company) + you can't tell how he approaches. _The Deformed + Transformed._ + +I remember having been exceedingly amused by a book of German +_diablerie_, in which the movements of his Satanic Majesty were +faithfully and fashionably chronicled. He had chosen, it would appear, +for good and cogent reasons, to revisit our earth _incognito_; and as +potentates steal occasionally a glance at the world to see how things +move in their ordinary courses, he too indulged his princely curiosity, +and, _selon la règle_, during his travels assumed a borrowed title. + +I had business to transact in a very remote district of the kingdom +of Connaught, and, as some delay was unavoidable, I threw a few books +carelessly into my portmanteau. Among them the wild conception of +Hoffmann, entitled "The Devil's Elixir," was included; and in the +perusal of that strange tale, I endeavoured to amuse the tedium of as +wet a day as often comes in Connemara. Bad as the morning had been, the +evening was infinitely worse: the wind roared through the mountains; the +rain came down in torrents; and every unhappy wayfarer pushed hastily +for the nearest inn. + +I had been an occupant of the best (and only) parlour of Tim Corrigan +during the preceding week; and so unfrequent were the calls at his +caravansera, that, like Robinson Crus, I could stroll out upon the +moor, and proclaim that I was absolute over heath and "hostelrie." But, +on this night, two travellers were driven to the "Cock and Punchbowl." +They were bound for a fair that was to be holden on the morrow some +twenty miles off; and, although anxious to lodge themselves in some +more contiguous hostel, the weather became so desperate, that by mutual +consent they abandoned their intention, and resolved to ensconce +themselves for the night in a double-bedded room, which, fortunately for +them, happened to be unoccupied in the "Cock and Punchbowl." + +Had their resolution to remain been doubtful, one glance at the kitchen +fire would have confirmed it. There, a well-conditioned goose was +twisting, on a string appended to the chimney-breast; while divers +culinary utensils simmered on the blazing turf, giving sure indications +that other adjuncts were to accompany the bird, and the dinner would be +a substantial one. I, while taking "mine ease in mine inn," had seen the +travellers arrive; and, the door being ajar, heard the "to ride or not +to ride" debated. That question settled, other cares arose. + +"Tim," said the younger guest to the landlord, as he nodded +significantly at the goose, "I'm hungry as a hawk." + +The host shrugged his shoulders, and, pointing to the "great chamber," +where I was seated, replied in an undertone, "There's a customer before +ye, Master Johnny." + +"A customer!--only one, Tim?" + +"Sorrow more," replied the host. + +"Why, the curse of Cromwell on ye for a cormorant!" said the traveller. +"Three priests, after confessing half a parish, would scarcely demolish +that wabbler. I'll invite myself to dinner; and if I be not in at the +dissection, it won't be Johnny Dixon's fault." + +"Arrah! the devil a fear of that," returned the landlord. "Your modesty +nivir stopped your promotion, _Shawn avourneen_![53]" and he of the Cock +and Punchbowl laughed heartily as the traveller entered the parlour. + +He was a stout, middle-sized, foxy-headed fellow of some six or +eight-and-twenty. His face was slightly marked with small-pox, and +plain, but not unpleasing. The expression was good-humoured and +intelligent; while, in the sparkle of his light blue eye, there was a +pretty equal proportion of mirth and mischief. He advanced to me with +perfect nonchalance; nodded as if he had known me for a twelvemonth; +and, as if conferring a compliment, notified with great brevity that it +was his intention to honour me with his company. No proposition could +have pleased me better, and it was fortunate that I had no wish to +remain alone; for, I verily believe, the traveller had already made up +his mind, _coute qui coute_, to aid and assist in demolishing the bird +that saved the Capitol. + +Presently the hostess announced that all preparations were complete. The +traveller, who had been talking of divers affairs, rural and political, +suddenly changed the conversation. "There was," he said, "an unlucky +sinner outside, who like himself had been storm-stayed that evening. He +was a priest's nephew, a harmless poor devil, whom the old fellow had +worked like a nigger, until one sweet evening he smothered himself in +poteen-punch, leaving Peter Feaghan a kettleful of gold. If he, Peter, +were only let in, he would pray for me during life; and, as to eating, +would be contented with the drumsticks." + +I laughed, and assented; and "Master Johnny" speedily produced a +soft-looking, bullet-headed farmer; who, after scraping his leg across +the floor, sate himself down at the corner of the table. + +Dinner came. I, since I breathed the keen air of Connemara, had felt a +quickened appetite; but "Master Johnny" double-distanced me easily as +a trencher-man, and he, in turn, could not hold a candle to the nephew +of the defunct priest. Peter Feaghan was a silent and a steady workman, +and I firmly believe the drumsticks were regularly skeletonized before +the priest's heir was disposed to cry "Hold, enough!" At last the cloth +was removed; and a quart-bottle, a basin of sugar, with a jug of boiling +water of enormous capacity, were set down. + +"What an infernal night it is!" ejaculated the younger traveller, as a +gust of wind drove the hail against the window. "Were you not in luck," +he continued, "that chance drove two Christian men, like Peter and me, +among the mountains? Honest Tim is speechless by this hour, or he has +shortened his allowance greatly since I was here last. No flirting in +the house, for Mrs. Corrigan is a Carmelite, and _Brideen dhu_[54] has +bundled off with a _peeler_.[55] In short, you must have got drunk in +self-defence, and, for lack of company, as I have often done, drank one +hand against the other." + +"Or," said I, "diluted the poteen with a draught of 'The Devil's +Elixir.'" + +"The Devil's Elixir!" repeated the foxy-headed traveller; "and pray what +may that be?" + +In reply, I handed him a volume of the Prussian Counsellor; he looked +at the title-page, and read the motto, "_In that yeare the Deville was +als seene walking publiclie on the streetes of Berline_." Laughing +loudly, he turned to the priest's heir. + +"Holy Mary! had your poor uncle Paul been in town, he would have had a +shy at ould Beelzebub, or made him quit the flagway." + +"And who was Uncle Paul?" I inquired of the stranger. + +"What!" he exclaimed, in manifest astonishment, "not know that excellent +and gifted churchman,--one before whom the devil shook like a whipped +schoolboy?" + +"And was Mr. Feaghan's influence over him, surnamed 'the Morning Star,' +so extraordinary?" + +"Extraordinary you may well call it," resumed Foxy-Head. "The very +mention of Paul's name would produce an ague-fit. Many a set-to they +had--a clear stage and no favour--and in all and every, the devil was +regularly floored. There is the old house of Knockbraddigan,--for +months, man, woman, or child could not close an eye. Priest, monk, +and friar, all tried their hands in vain. Holy-water was expended +by the gallon--masses said thrice a week--a saint's finger borrowed +for the occasion, and brought all the way from Cork,--and even the +stable-lantern had a candle in it, blessed by the bishop. For all these +'Clooty' did not care a button, when Father Paul toddled in, and saved +the house and owner." + +"Indeed?" + +"Ay! and I'll tell you the particulars. It was the year after the +banks broke--times were bad--tenants racked--and Tom Braddigan, like +many a better man, poor fellow! was cleaned out by the sheriff. Never +was a _shuck_[56] sinner harder up for a few hundreds; and, to make a +long story short, _Hoofey_ came in the way, and Tom 'sould himself' +regularly. I never heard the sum, but it is said that it was a large +figure; and that, to give the devil his due, he never cobbled for a +moment, but paid a sporting price, and came down like a man. Well, +the tenure-day came round; Clooty was true to time, and claimed his +customer: but Tom was awake; Paul Feaghan was at his elbow, and, as it +turned out, Paul proved himself nothing but a good one. + +"'Arrah! what do ye want here, honest man?' says the priest to the +devil, opening the conversation civilly. + +"'No offence, I suppose,' says the other, 'for a body to look after his +own.' + +"'None in the world,' replied Father Paul, answering him quite politely; +and all the while, poor Tom shaking like a Quaker. + +"'Mr. Braddigan,' says the devil, 'we have a long drive before us, and +the carriage is waiting. Don't mind your _Cotamore_,[57] Tom; and the +eternal ruffian put his tongue in his cheek. 'Though the day's cold, +'pon my conscience, you shall have presently an air of the fire.' + +"'Asy,' says the priest, 'what call have you to a Catholic?' + +"'A Catholic!' replied the devil, with a twist of his lip, mimicking +Father Paul; 'maybe your reverence would tell us when he was last at +confession?' + +"At this the priest lost temper. 'What the blazes,' says he, 'have you +to do with that? Was there any body present at the bargain _betune_[58] +ye?' + +"'Hell to the one,' replied the devil. + +"'Then,' says Father Paul, 'sorrow leg you would have to stand on if the +whole thing came before the barrister.' + +"The devil gave a knowing look, and, dipping his hand into the left +breeches-pocket, took out a piece of paper, and, as an attorney shows +the corner of a promissory-note to an unwilling witness, he held it out +to Tom, and asked him was it his hand-writing: 'Tummas a Brawdeen,'[59] +says he, in Irish, 'is that yer fist?' + +"'There's no denying it,' says Tom, with a shudder. + +"'Then draw on yer boots, and let us be jogging.' + +"'Asy,' says Father Feaghan. 'Did ye get the consideration, Tom?' + +"The devil seemed uncommonly affronted. 'Paul Feaghan,' says he, 'I +didn't think you would suppose that I would take his I.O.U. and not +post the coal! By my oath,' he continued, 'and let him contradict me if +he can, a Tuam note he would not touch with the tongs; and the devil +a flimsy would go down with him, good or bad, but a regular Bank of +Ireland!' + +"'Oh, be Jakers!' says the priest, 'you're done, Tom! Show me the note.' + +"'Bedershin!' says the devil, clapping his right fore-finger on his nose. + +"'Honour bright!' replied Father Paul. + +"'Will ye return it?' inquired Old Hoofey. + +"'Will a duck swim?' says the priest. 'Be this book,' says he, laying +his hand upon the tea-caddy, 'ye shall have it in two twos.' + +"'There it is, then,' replied the other, 'and make your best of it. +Come, Tom, there's no turnpikes to pay where you're going to; so on with +your wrap-rascal,' pointing to the cotamore. + +"But, sorrow wink was on Father Feaghan all the while. He examined the +note, and not a letter was wanting. It was regular, as if the devil had +been bound to an attorney--drawn on a three-shilling stamp,--and, as he +turned it round and round, it crumpled like singed parchment. + +"'You're dished,' ejaculated his reverence, looking over at Tom. + +"'Murder! murder!' says he, as Hoofey held out his hand for the I.O.U. + +"'Arrah!' says Father Paul, 'do ye keep your papers in a tinderbox?' + +"'They're over dry, I allow,' replied the devil; 'but in my place it's +hard to find a cool corner.' + +"'We'll damp this one a little,' says the priest, slipping his hand fair +and asy into a mug of holy-water, and splashing half a pint of it on +_Tummas a Brawdeen's_ note. 'Put that in yer pocket to balance yer pipe.' + +"In a moment the devil changed colour. 'Bad luck attend ye night and +day, for a circumventing villain!' says he. + +"'Off with ye, you convicted ruffin!' roared Father Paul, making a +flourishing [cross]; and before Tom Braddigan had time to bless himself, +Clooty went up the chimney in a flash of fire, leaving the room +untenantable for a fortnight, from the sulphur; and _Tummas a Brawdeen_ +sung, for the remainder of his life, 'Wasn't that elegantly done?'" + +"Nothing could be better," said I, as Red-head closed his story. "What +a sensation the affair must have occasioned. 'Like angels' visits,' I +presume, the old gentleman's are 'few and far between?'" + +"By no means," returned the stranger, "there are few families of any +fashion in this country, who have not, at some period or other, been +favoured with a call; and I myself was once honoured by his company at +supper." + +I stared at the man; but he bore my scrutiny without flinching. + +"Had you a party to meet his Satanic Majesty?" I inquired, with a smile. + +"Not a soul," replied he. "We supped _tête-à-tête_; and a pleasanter +fellow never stretched his legs beneath a man's mahogany." + +"You certainly have excited my curiosity not a little," said I. + +"If I have," returned the fox-headed stranger, "I shall most willingly +give you a full account of our interview. + +"It was the first Friday after the winter fair of Boyle. I was returning +home in bad spirits; for, though I sold my bullocks well, I had been +regularly cleaned out at loo, and hit uncommonly hard in a handicap. For +three nights I scarcely won a pool, and that was bad enough; but to lose +the best weight-carrier that was ever lapped in leather, for a paltry +ten-pound note, and a daisy-cutter with a fired leg and feathered eye, +would make a saint swear, and a Quaker kick his mother. + +"Night had closed in, as I passed the cross-roads of Kilmactigue, +about two miles from home; and I pulled up into a walk, to bring my +bad bargain cool to the stable. Just then I heard a horse behind me, +coming on in a slapping trot; and, before you could say Jack Robinson, a +strange horseman was beside me. + +"'Morra,[60] Mistre Dixon,' says he. + +"'Morra to ye, sir,' says I, turning sharp about to see if I could +know him. He looked in the dim light a 'top-sawyer,' and, as far as I +could judge, the best-mounted man I had met for a month of Sundays. He +appeared to be dressed in black; his horse was the same colour as his +coat, and I began to tax my memory, hard, to recollect the place where +he and I had met before. + +"'You have the advantage of me, sir,' says I. + +"'Faith, and that's odd enough,' says he, 'for you and I rode head and +girth together at the stag-hunt at Rathgranaher.' + +"'Death and nouns!' says I, 'is this Mr. Magan?' + +"'I believe so,' says he, 'for want of a better.' + +"'Ah! then,' said I, 'I'm glad I met you. Is that the black mare that +carried you so brilliantly?' + +"'The same,' he replied. + +"'No wonder I didn't know ye: you wore at Rathgranaher a light-green +coatee, and now you're black as a bishop.' + +"'I buried an aunt of mine lately,' says he. + +"'Maybe you could do as much for a friend,' replied I; 'I have a couple +at your service; and, as I pay them a hundred a year, I wish them often +at the devil.' + +"'I'll make no objection on my part,' replied Mr. Magan. 'But how far is +it to Templebeg? It will be late before I reach it, I fear.' + +"'It's the worst road in Connaught,' said I: 'my den is scarcely a mile +off; and, if you are not in a hurry, turn in for the night, and you +shall have a warm stall, a grilled bone, and a hearty welcome.' + +"'Never say it again,' says Mr. Magan; and on we rode, cheek by jowl, +talking of fairs, horses, and the coming election. Lord! nothing came +amiss to him: he was up to every thing, from _écarté_ to robbing the +mail-coach; and in politics so knowing, that one while I fancied him a +Whig, and at the next I would have given my book oath he was a black +Orangeman. + +"Before we reached the avenue, I tried if he would 'stand a knock.'[61] + +"'Would you part with the mare?' says I. + +"'If I was bid a sporting price, I would part with my grandmother, if I +had one,' was the reply. + +"'What boot will you take, and turn tails?' said I. + +"'Neighbour,' replied Mr. Magan, 'it must be a long figure that gets +Black Bess. What's that you're riding?' + +"'A thorough-bred four-year old, by Langar, out of a Tom Pipes mare.' + +"'Bedershin!' says Mr. Magan; 'Tom died before you were born.' + +"This was a hard hit. Devil a one of me knew how the horse was bred; +but, as he happened to be a chestnut, I thought I would give Langar for +a sire. Pretending not to hear the remark, I continued, + +"'He's uncommon fast up to twelve stone; will take five feet, 'coped and +dashed,' without a balk; and live the longest day with any fox-hounds on +the province. At three years old, Peter Brannick refused fifty for him.' + +"'And didn't ask a rap for a dark eye and a ring-bone,' observed Mr. +Magan. + +"'Oh!' says I, to myself, 'Magan, there's no coming over ye!' So I +thought that I had better leave horse-flesh alone, and try if I could +draw him at a setch of loo, or a hand of five and ten. + +"With that we had ridden into the yard, and given our prads to the men, +with a hundred charges from the stranger, that his mare should have a +bran-mash and warm clothing. Well, I ushered him into the parlour, and +there was a roaring fire, and the cloth laid for supper; for, luckily +enough, Judy Mac Keal had expected me home. Mr. Magan took off his +cotamore, laid his hat and whip aside, and then threw his eyes over the +apartment. + +"'_Mona mon diaoul!_'[62] says he, 'if there's a snugger hunting-box +between Birr and Bantry.' + +"'Oh!' said I, 'the cabin's well enough for a loose lad like me. +Everything here is rough and ready; and, as it's a bachelor's shop, you +must make allowances.' + +"'Arrah! nabocklish![63] I'm a single man myself, and it's wonderful how +well I get my health, and manage with a housekeeper. By-the-bye,' and he +looked knowing as a jailor, 'is Judy Mac Keal with you still?' + +"'And what do you know about Judy, neighbour?' says I. + +"'Don't be offended,' replied he. 'The boys were joking after supper +at Dinny Balfe's; and Maurice Ffrench named her for face and figure, +against any mentioned, for a pony.' + +"'Ffrench is a fool!' I replied. 'But as you know Judy already, we'll +ring, and see if there's any chance of supper.' + +"She answered the bell; told us the ducks were at the fire, and that in +half an hour all would be ready. When she went away, Magan swore she +was the best-looking trout he had laid eyes on for a twelvemonth; and, +spying out a pack of cards upon the chimney-piece, proposed that we +should kill time with a game of hookey or lansquenet. + +"It was the very thing I wanted; but I took the offer indifferently. + +"'Egad! I'm afraid of you,' says I, as I laid the pack upon the +table-cloth. He cut the cards. + +"'The deal is yours. What an infernal ass I am to touch paper,' says +he; and kissing the knave of clubs. 'By this book, I'm such an unlucky +devil, that I verily believe, had my father bound me to a hatter, men +would be born without heads. Come, down with the dust!' and he pulled +from his breast-pocket a parcel of notes as thick as an almanack. They +were chiefly fives and tens; and when I remarked them all the black +bank,[64] I set him down a Northman. + +"We played at first tolerably even; but, by the time supper was served, +I found myself a winner of twenty pounds. This was a good beginning; and +I determined to continue my good luck, and, if I could, do Mr. Magan +brown. + +"Down we sate; my friend had an excellent appetite, and finished a duck +to his own share. We drank a bottle of sherry in double-quick, got the +cards again, and called for tumblers and hot water. + +"Judy brought in the materials, and Mr. Magan began to quiz her. + +"'Arrah! Miss Mac Keal,' says he, 'will ye come and keep house for me, +and I'll double your wages?' + +"'And where do ye live?' replied she. + +"'Down in the North,' returned Magan; 'and I have as nate a place, ay, +and as warm a house, as ever you laid a foot in!' + +"'Have done with your joking,' says Judy, 'and go home to your own +dacent wife.' + +"'I have her yet to look for,' replied he. + +"'Devil have the liars,' says Judy. + +"'Ah then, amen!' said Magan. + +"'I wouldn't believe ye,' continued she, 'if you kissed the vestment on +it.' + +"'_Liggum lathé_,'[65] says he. + +"'Why, what good Irish you have for a Northman!' replied Judy. + +"'My mother was a Munster woman,' says Mr. Magan. + +"'Is she alive?' inquired she. + +"'Dead as Cleopatra,' he said, with a laugh; and Judy afterwards +remarked, 'she knew he was a rascal, or he would have added, 'God rest +her soul!' + +"When the housekeeper disappeared, the stranger filled a bumper. 'Egad!' +thought I, 'I'll try him now, whether he be radical or true-blue; and, +lifting up the tumbler, I proposed, 'The glorious, pious, and immortal +memory--' + +"'Of the great and good King William,' says he, taking the word out of +my mouth. + +"'Who freed us from Pope and popery, knavery, slavery--' + +"'Brass money, and wooden shs,' returned the Northman. + +"'May he who would not, on bare and bended knee, drink this toast, be +rammed, crammed--' + +"'And damned!' roared Magan, as if the sentiment came from his very +heart. 'Here's the Pope in the pillory, and the Devil pelting priests at +him!' cried the Northman; and, with a laugh, off went the bumpers, and +we commenced the cards anew. + +"Well, sir, that night I had the luck of thousands. The black bank-notes +came over the table-cloth by the dozen; and, as the Northman lost his +money, his temper went along with it. He cursed the cards, and their +maker; swore he would book himself[66] against bones and paper for a +twelvemonth; made tumbler after tumbler; and, as he drank them boiling +from the kettle, I wondered how he could swallow poteen-punch hot enough +to scald a pig. + +"'Come,' says he, in a rage, 'I see how the thing will end; and the +sooner I am cleaned out, the better. Instead of a beggarly flimsey, fork +out a five-pound note.' + +"'With all my heart,' replied I. + +"'Curse of Cromwell attend upon all shmakers!' ejaculated Mr. Magan, +with a grin. + +"'Arrah! what's vexing ye now?' says I, pulling the third five-pounder +across the cloth. + +"'Every thing!' returned he, 'I have the worst of luck, a tight boot, +and a bad corn.' + +"'I'll get ye slippers in a shake.' + +"'Mind your cards,' says he, rather cross; 'there's nobody here but +ourselves, and I'll pull off my boot quietly under the table!' + +"He did so: we continued play; and, though he lost ahead, he recovered +his temper, and seemed to bear it like a gentleman. It was quite clear +that the boot had made him cranky. No wonder: an angry corn and tight +shoe would try the patience of a bride. + +"Well, the last of his bundle of bank-notes was in due course +transferred to me, and I fancied I had him 'polished off;' but, dipping +his hand into his big-coat pocket, he produced a green silk purse, +half a yard long, and stuffed, apparently, with sovereigns. I lighted +a cigar, and offered him another, but he declined it; and, after +groping his _cotamore_ for half a minute, produced a _dudheen_,[67] +which he lighted at the candle. I have smoked tobacco here these ten +years,--Persian or pigstail were all the same to me;--but the first +whiff of Magan's pipe I thought would have smothered me on the spot. + +"'Holy Bridget!' says I, gasping for breath. 'Arrah! what stuff is that +you're blowing?' + +"'It's rather strong,' says he, 'but beautiful when you're used to it. +Cut the cards; and, as they say in Connaught, 'if money stands, luck may +turn.' + +"Just then Judy come in to ask Mr. Magan if he would have a second pair +of blankets on his bed. + +"'Will you come with me?' says he, putting his arm round her jokingly. + +"'God take ye, if possible!' cried Judy: 'pheaks! ye'r not over well +honest man, for your hand's in a fever!' + +"'It's the liker my heart, Judy,' and he gave her a coaxing smile. + +"'Sorrow one of me liked his making so free. 'Go on with your game,' +says I, 'and don't be putting your _comether_[68] over my housekeeper.' + +"At the moment a horse-tramp was heard in the yard, and Judy ran to the +window. + +"'Who's that?' says I. 'Devil welcome him, whver he is;' for I thought +he would interrupt us. + +"'It's a short man on a grey pony,' says Judy, 'with a big blue cloak +about him.' + +"'Phew!' and I whistled. 'It's Father Paul Feaghan.' + +"'Father Paul!' ejaculated Mr. Magan, turning pale as a shirt-frill, and +dropping the _dudheen_ on the floor. + +"'Oh, death and nouns! the carpet will be ruined!' roared Judy, plumping +down upon her knees, and snatching at the pipe; but, before she reached +it, she gave a wild scream, as if she saw a ghost, and began blessing +herself busily. But, scarcely had she made the sign of the [cross], when +a thunderclap shook the lodge; a blaze lightened through the +supper-room, and Mr. Magan, taking with him the black bank-notes, and +the hand of cards he was playing with, vanished up the chimney. No doubt +he would have taken the roof away into the bargain, had not Father Paul +been fortunately so near us." + +"And," said I, "did no other evil consequences attend this unhallowed +visit?" + +"Evil consequences!" returned Johnny Dixon, as he repeated my words: +"my stable-boy was frightened into fits; Judy Mac Keal kept her bed for +a fortnight,--and, _mona mon diaoul!_[69] thirty shillings did not pay +the glazier--for Magan,--the Lord's curse light upon him!--smashed the +windows into smithereens. But it grows late," he continued, addressing +his companion; "and you and I, Peter, must be up ere cockcrow. Good +night, sir!" and he turned to me. "Should you ever meet Mr. Magan--while +you remain in his society, never be persuaded, as they say in Mayo, to +'prove agreeable;' or, 'fight, flirt, play cards, or hold the candle.'" + +[NOTE.-The story was told me at a supper-table by a Connaught gentleman, +with the most profound gravity imaginable. He, the hero, believed +it religiously himself; and w be to the sceptic who gainsayed its +authenticity. + +Poor Johnny lies under a ton weight of Connemara marble. _Requiescat!_ +A better fellow never took six feet in a stroke, carried off a third +bottle, or gave a job to the coroner. _Requiescat! Amen!_] + +[53] _Anglicè_, John, my jewel. + +[54] _Anglicè_, Black Biddy. + +[55] A policeman. + +[56] An Irish phrase, synonymous with _distressed_. + +[57] Great-coat. + +[58] Between. + +[59] _Anglicè_, Tom Braddigan. + +[60] Good-morrow. + +[61] A handicap. + +[62] An Irish imprecation. + +[63] Be quiet. + +[64] One of the Belfast banks is thus named. + +[65] _Anglicè_, Have it your own way. + +[66] Take his oath. + +[67] _Anglicè_, A short pipe. + +[68] A phrase expressive of using the power of persuasion. + +[69] My soul to the devil. + + + + + A MERRY CHRISTMAS. + BY THOMAS HAYNES BAYLY. + + Dover, December 20th, 1836. + DEAR YOUR LORDSHIP,--I never writ to a lord before, + and don't do it now spontaneous; but Mrs. Miggins + desires me to ask you to join our Christmas party + next week. Now I think that will be what you call a + bore, because 'tisn't only us ourselves, but I can't + give up old friends and relations, and so there'll be + more Migginses than you ever saw before; and, always + excepting daughter Sophy, I suspect you've seen more + already than you ever wish to see again. However, + daughter Sophy did seem to attract your notice like, + last autumn here, when you was staying with the duke. + I saw clear enough you didn't want the duke nor the + duchess to know about it, and so I were glad when you + took yourself away; but Sophy hankers after you, and + my wife says,--and she's right enough there, though it + dsn't generally follow that a thing's right because + she says it,--that there's no reason why daughter + Sophy shouldn't be a lord's wife and a lady herself, + like other fine girls no ways her betters; and, though + I did make my money in the soap and candle line, the + money, now it's made, an't the worse; and so, if you + really wants to marry Sophy, say it out and out, and + I'll give my consent. It is but fair and right to tell + your Lordship that there's another young man desperate + about her,--not, when I say another young man, that + I mean to call your lordship a young man, for I know + that wouldn't be respectful. However, if I had my + own way in all things,--which I haven't, and few men + have,--Captain Mills of the artillery would be the man + for Sophy. He's a mighty proper man to look at, and + I've asked him down to spend Christmas here too; so, if + your lordship don't think it worth while to come, why + only say the word, and, to my thinking, Captain Mills + will have a good chance. + + People do report things that I don't want + to believe about your lordship's ways of going on; + but if you do marry Sophy, hang it! make her happy. + Don't take her away from them as loves her, and then + be neglectful and unkind; for she don't know yet what + unkindness is, and I know 'twould break her heart, + and then I should break mine, and my poor wife would + follow,--so that would break us all. But a lord must + be a gentlemen, and a gentleman can't behave like a + blackguard to a woman. So some down here on Saturday + the 24th, and we'll have a merry Christmas and a happy + New Year. In all which my wife and Sophy do join. So + no more at present From your dear lordship's humble + servant at command, PETER MIGGINS. + +Peter Miggins's letter to Lord John Lavender has probably sufficiently +introduced him to the reader. The right honourable personage to whom +that letter was addressed was the youngest son of a duke, and in all +respects as great a contrast to all the blood of the Migginses as can +possibly be imagined. + +Lord John had been, for many years, one of the best-looking men about +town; so many years, indeed, had he been a beauty, that it was quite +wonderful to detect no change in his figure, face, or manner. He still +looked as he always had looked, and probably always intended to look. +There is this one great advantage in beginning to _make up_ early +in life,--nobody detects any difference. The toilet requires a more +protracted attention, and a steadier hand; but, once completed, to the +eye of the observer the colours and the outline are the same. No woman +ever thought more about her appearance than did Lord John Lavender; yet +there was a manliness in his manner and conversation which rescued him +from the charge of effeminacy. + +He was devoted to the fair sex; so much so, that the world could +not help giving him credit for being so sedulously attentive to the +beautification of his person solely that he might render himself +agreeable in their eyes. + +He certainly succeeded most admirably; and, at the same time that he +was in all societies courted and caressed by the fairest and the most +distinguished, there was one little well-known theatrical connexion, +_of_ which we will say as little as possible, and _to_ which old Mr. +Miggins had alluded in his letter. + +Lord John Lavender's income was small, his expectations minute, his +expenses great, and his debts amounted to his overplus expenditure +for the number of years he had been about town. Of the sum total of +his incumbrances he was ignorant. Bills came in at stated periods, +and were carelessly thrown aside; for what was the use of looking at +their amount, knowing beforehand that he could not pay them? But he was +aware this could not go on for ever; he knew that, according to custom, +tradesmen would trust him, as they constantly trust others, almost to +any amount, for a certain period, without having from the first the +slightest reason to suppose that the individual so trusted would ever be +in a condition to pay them; and then all of a sudden they would pounce +upon him, demand payment of all arrears, and trust no more. + +Now, it was quite impossible for Lord John to think of retrenchment. +Among the absolute necessaries of life he reckoned at least two pair of +primrose kid gloves a-day, at three shillings a-pair. Two guineas a-week +for gloves,--the price of a moderate bachelor's lodging! Life would be +intolerable without such things; so, in order that he might continue in +the land of the living, his fastidious lordship had deigned to smile +upon Miss Sophy Miggins, and had permitted the idea of marriage with a +plebeian to enter his aristocratic mind. + +No wonder that Sophy should be dazzled by smiles from such a quarter. +She was pleased and flattered, and imagined that she liked his lordship +exceedingly, though she never felt at ease in his presence. He was +so unlike everybody with whom she had been accustomed to associate, +that she had sense enough to suppose she must be equally unlike his +former companions, and she was always afraid of exciting his wonder and +ridicule by some awkward breach of the usages of good society. But then +to walk about with a lord, was a thing not to be resisted; and though +she would have been much happier with the Captain Mills of whom her +father made honourable mention in his letter to Lord John, still she +never could bring herself to reject the proffered arm of his lordship. + +And had she made up her mind to accept the _hand_ of Lord John Lavender, +should that also in due course of time be proffered? Not exactly; but +Mrs. Miggins had decided for her. That his intentions were honourable, +she could not doubt. Honourable! nay, was he not a _right_ honourable +lover? So, in full expectation of an offer for her daughter, the +old lady bought a "Peerage," placed it in a conspicuous part of her +drawing-room, and looked very coldly on Captain Mills. + +The captain was ordered to Woolwich; and Lord John having left Dover, +Sophy could not, at parting, help evincing to poor Mills a little of +the partiality which she felt. Such was the position of affairs when +Mr. Miggins, who had no notion of men (nor lords neither) being shilly +shally, as he called it, was determined to bring matters to a crisis. +He therefore, after much serious cogitation, wrote the letter which has +been confidentially exhibited to the reader; and also another, requiring +infinitely less forethought, which he dispatched to Captain Mills. + +"What day of the month is it?" said Lord John to his valet, after +perusing the epistle of his Dover correspondent. + +"The twenty-first, my lord." + +"The twenty-first!" exclaimed his lordship finishing his +coffee.--"Wednesday, I declare!--and Sunday is Christmas-day! If I go at +all, I must go on Saturday at latest." + +"My lord?" + +"I must go to Dover, Friday or Saturday." + +"Oh! on your way to the Continent? I think it would be advisable, my +lord." + +"The Continent! no:--why advisable?" + +"Why, my lord; _may_ I speak?" inquired Faddle, as he removed breakfast. + +"Certainly: what have you to say?" + +"Why, the tradespeople, my lord:--just at Christmas-time the bills do +fall in like a shower of paper-snow in a stage-play." + +"Oh! and you think I must get out of the way, and let the storm blow +over, eh?" + +"I do, indeed, my lord; for I'm sorry to say it's very threatening." + +"Oh, well! we'll go as far as Dover; there's no occasion to cross that +odious channel." + +"If I may make bold to ask, why will your lordship be safer at Dover +than in London?" + +"Don't you remember that pretty girl, Faddle? the girl with the rich +father,--Miss Miggins?" + +"Oh! _marriage!_" said Faddle, with a very deep sigh. + +"Yes, Faddle, marriage." + +"And here's a billet from May-fair!" + +"Ah! let me see;" and Lord John opened an elegant little note, penned on +a rose-leaf,--at least, in colour and fragrance it resembled one. + +"She acts to-night, and desires me to dine with her on Christmas-day. +Leave me, Faddle. Give me pen, ink, and paper; send me the _coiffeur_ +directly. I must speak to Tightfit's man at one; appoint Heeltap at two, +and Gimcrack and Shine a quarter of an hour later." + +"To speak about their bills, my lord?" + +"Oh dear, no; to elongate their bills. But _they_ are too distinguished +in their respective lines to breathe a hint about the _trifles_. As to +the _canaille_ of tradesmen, mention my intended marriage." + +"Oh! it's settled?" + +"Why, to be sure; you don't suppose I've anything to do _but to go_!" + +The valet bowed, and left the noble lord to his meditations. At three he +was in his cab,--at five in May-fair,--at eight in the green-room. + +Rapidly passed Thursday and Friday; and, among his many preparations +for departure on Saturday, Lord John forgot to write to his future +father-in-law, to intimate that it was his intention to depart. No +matter; they would only be the more delighted at his unexpected arrival. +Faddle packed up all his things; and, as his cambric handkerchiefs and +kid gloves entirely filled one portmanteau, some notion may be formed +of the quantity of luggage which it was absolutely necessary for him to +take. + +All this, however, was despatched by the mail on Friday night, directed +to "Lord John Lavender, Worthington's Ship Hotel." On Saturday morning, +his lordship, accompanied by his faithful Faddle, was to follow in a +post-chariot and four. But Saturday morning came, and with it came +another rose-leaf, on which were lines so delicately penned, that---- + +Suffice it to say that Lord John Lavender postponed his departure, dined +in May-fair on Christmas-day, and, having resolved to travel all night, +ordered horses to be at the door at ten. He at length tore himself away, +wrapped himself up in several cloaks, threw himself into a corner of +the carriage, and fell fast asleep. Poor Faddle in the rumble was most +uncomfortably situated. It was no common snow-storm that commenced on +Christmas-night 1836, nor was it a commonly keen wind that blew upon +him. He shivered and shook, muttering foul curses on May-fair; and +very shortly became as white as a sugar ornament on the exterior of a +twelfth-cake, and very nearly as inanimate. With much ado they reached +Canterbury; their stopping suddenly, roused Lord John Lavender from his +repose. Somebody tapped at the window, and most reluctantly he opened it. + +"If you please, my lord, we can't go any further," stammered the +miserable and long-suffering Faddle. + +"If _I_ please! nonsense: horses out directly!" + +"They say it's not possible, my lord: we've come through terrible +dangers as it is." + +"Not possible! why not?" + +"The snow, my lord." + +"Snow! nonsense!--as if it never snowed before! Tell them who I am. I +say, you fellows, put horses to,--the distance is nothing;--go on;" and +Lord John pulled up the glass, threw himself again into his corner, and +the landlord, knowing that though they would inevitably be obliged to +return, the horses must be paid for, tipped the postilion the wink, and +on they went. + +_But not to Dover!_ Slowly they proceeded: now one wheel was up in the +air, and then the other. Lord John was himself startled when he saw the +deep drifts through which they waded; and when at last they stopped at a +low miserable hovel by the road-side, he no longer urged the possibility +of proceeding farther. + +"We must return to Canterbury." + +"Impossible, my lord: after we passed a part of the road which had been +cut between two hills, an immense mass of snow fell, and blocked it up. +It is a mercy it did not fall upon _us_;--we had a narrow escape." + +"We _can't_ stay here," said Lord John, looking at the wretched hut +before him. + +"We _must_ stay here," said one of the drivers. + +"Why, I haven't got my things!--what can I do, Faddle, without my +things? I haven't even a clean cambric handkerchief, nor a tooth-brush!" + +It was too true: it had appeared so easy to have his "_things_" unpacked +and placed on his dressing-table the moment he arrived at Dover, that +literally nothing had been provided. Intense cold soon drove Lord John +into the hut; from which, however, his first impulse was to emerge +again, so execrable were the fumes of bad tobacco, and so odious the +group which preoccupied the low chamber. + +"Walk in and welcome," cried a tipsy waggoner; "we be all friends." + +"Oh, faith!" said an Irish _lady_, whose husband, a "needy +knife-grinder," was asleep on the floor, "he's a rale gintleman, and +I'll give him a sate by myself, and p'raps he'll trate me to a drop of +comfort." + +Lord John felt exceedingly sick; and, choking with anger and +tobacco-smoke, he turned to the ragged lad of the house, and ordered a +private room. + +"There be no room, sir, but this here, besides that there up the ladder." + +"Up there, then," said his lordship, approaching it. + +"No, but ye can't though," said the lad interposing: "mother and +sister's asleep up there, and the waggoner's wife, and all the females +except she as sits there, by the fire." + +Lord John paused; he could not invade the territory of the fair sex: +what was to be done? + +"Can't I have a bed?" + +"There _be_ some dry straw left, I take it: I'll go and see, and give +you a shake down here, and welcome." + +"A shake down!" groaned his lordship, "Faddle!" + +"Yes, my lord." + +"Where are you?" + +"Here--dying, I believe; I never was so ill!" and there in truth lay +Faddle, rolling on the bare floor. + +"I say, Mother Murphy," said the tipsy Waggoner, "that ere chap's a +lord!" + +"They be going to do away wi' them, I hear," said the Radical +knife-grinder, waking up; "and a good job too;--werry useless fellors, I +take it." + +"Bless his pretty face!" said the Irish lady: "exchange is no robbery; +and I'd gi' him a kiss for a drop of the cratur." + +"You be hung!" cried her husband, throwing a stool at her head; "you've +had too much already." + +The fair representative of Hibernia was not to be put upon; up she +started, and there was a pitched battle between her and her husband, +which ended in the fall of both. + +Unused to fatigue, Lord John at last threw himself on his straw. But +what a night did he pass! the noise, the smell, the discomfort, the +fleas--oh! + +By many will the last week of 1836 be long remembered, but by none with +greater horror than by the Right Honourable Lord John Lavender. + +Without wholesome food,--without a change of linen,--exposed to cold, +privation, and every possible annoyance, he became seriously unwell; and +when, at the end of a week, the indefatigable Mr. Worthington opened a +communication between Dover and Canterbury by means of a sledge, the +poor prisoner was unable to avail himself of it. Some comforts and +necessary restoratives were, however, conveyed to him; and at the end +of another week, after the road had been traversed by many, four horses +were again put to his carriage, and, entering it like the shadow of his +former self, he once more started on his way to Dover. We have said that +there is a great advantage in having begun to "_make up_" early in life. +Not so, however, when the process has been suddenly and unavoidably +interrupted. But Lord John was sure to find all he wanted as soon as he +arrived at the Ship Hotel; a few hours' renovation would prepare him +for his interview with the fair Sophy. He threw himself back in the +carriage, and indulged in the most gratifying anticipations. + +He was roused from his reverie by the rapid approach of a chariot and +four greys; and, leaning forward, he caught a glimpse of Sophy,--the +lovely, amiable Sophy,--who, having heard of his dilemma, had, +doubtless, set out to seek him! + +"Stop! stop!" cried Lord John. "Here, Faddle, get down; call to those +drivers. Hollo there!--open the door--let down the step--give me your +arm--that will do: I'm delighted to see you, Sophy; I recognised you in +a minute: I was on my way to Dover to pay my respects." + +Sophy blushed, and smiled, and did not seem to know what to say: at last +she articulated, + +"Papa and mamma will be happy to see you, my lord: allow me to introduce +to your lordship my husband, Captain Mills;" and a gentleman leaned +forward and bowed, who had before been invisible. + +"Your lordship will be in time for the wedding-dinner; you will have the +kindness to say you have seen us." + +Saying thus, Captain Mills and _his lady_ again bowed and smiled; and, +leaving his lordship in amazement, the wedding equipage dashed on. + +Lord John Lavender proceeded to Dover, and, looking into some Sunday +chronicle of fashionable scandal, he saw that his friend of May-fair had +just entered into another _arrangement_. His case was desperate; and, +accompanied only by his valet, he proceeded on what lords and gentlemen +so circumstanced, call, a _Continental trip_. + +They who choose to read a document on a certain church-door, may +ascertain, that though no Robin Hood, the Right Honourable Lord John +Lavender is an outlaw. + + + + + FAMILY STORIES.--No. II. + LEGEND OF HAMILTON TIGHE. + + + Tapton Everard, Feb. 14, 1837. +FRIEND BENTLEY,--I see you have got hold of some of our family secrets; +but Seaforth was always a blab. No matter: as you _have_ found your way +into our circle, why, I suppose we must even make the best of it, and +let you go on. The revival of "Old Sir Giles's" story has set us all +rummaging among the family papers, of which there is a large chest full +"apud _castro_ de Tappington," as a literary friend of mine has it. In +the course of her researches, Caroline the other day popped upon the +history of a far-off cousin, some four or five generations back,--a +sad story,--a sort of Uriah business,--in which a principal part was +played by a great-great-aunt of ours. In order to secure her own child's +succession to a fair estate, she was always believed to have wantonly +exposed the life of her husband's only son by a former marriage; and +through the assistance of her brother, a sea-captain, to have at least +thrust him unnecessarily into danger, even if their machinations went +no farther. The lad was killed; and report said that an old boatswain +confessed on his death-bed--But Miss Simpkinson will tell you the +story better than I can. She has dished it up for you in her choicest +Pindarics; and though the maiden is meek, her muse is masculine. + + Yours, as it may be, + THOMAS INGOLDSBY. + + + THE LEGEND OF HAMILTON TIGHE. + + The captain is walking his quarter-deck, + With a troubled brow and a bended neck; + One eye is down through the hatchway cast, + The other turns up to the truck on the mast; + Yet none of the crew may venture to hint + "Our skipper hath gotten a sinister squint!" + + The captain again the letter hath read + Which the bum-boat woman brought out to Spithead-- + Still, since the good ship sailed away, + He reads that letter three times a-day; + Yet the writing is broad and fair to see + As a skipper may read in his degree, + And the seal is as black, and as broad, and as flat, + As his own cockade in his own cock'd hat: + He reads, and he says, as he walks to and fro, + "Curse the old woman--she bothers me so!" + + He pauses now, for the topmen hail-- + "On the larboard quarter a sail! a sail!" + That grim old captain he turns him quick, + And bawls through his trumpet for Hairy-faced Dick. + + "The breeze is blowing--huzza! huzza! + The breeze is blowing--away! away! + The breeze is blowing--a race! a race! + The breeze is blowing--we near the chase! + Blood will flow, and bullets will fly,-- + Oh where will be then young Hamilton Tighe?"-- + + --"On the fman's deck, where a man should be, + With his sword in his hand, and his f at his knee. + Cockswain, or boatswain, or reefer may try, + But the first man on board will be Hamilton Tighe!" + + * * * * * + + Hairy-faced Dick hath a swarthy hue, + Between a gingerbread nut and a Jew, + And his pigtail is long, and bushy, and thick, + Like a pump-handle stuck on the end of a stick. + Hairy-faced Dick understands his trade; + He stands by the breech of a long carronade, + The linstock glows in his bony hand, + Waiting that grim old skipper's command. + + "The bullets are flying--huzza! huzza! + The bullets are flying--away! away!" + The brawny boarders mount by the chains, + And are over their buckles in blood and brains: + On the fman's deck, where a man should be, + Young Hamilton Tighe + Waves his cutlass high, + And _Capitaine Crapaud_ bends low at his knee. + + Hairy-faced Dick, linstock in hand, + Is waiting that grim-looking skipper's command:-- + A wink comes sly + From that sinister eye-- + Hairy-faced Dick at once lets fly, + And knocks off the head of young Hamilton Tighe! + + * * * * * + + There's a lady sits lonely in bower and hall, + Her pages and handmaidens come at her call: + "Now haste ye, my handmaidens, haste and see + How he sits there and glow'rs with his head on his knee!" + The maidens smile, and, her thought to destroy, + They bring her a little pale mealy-faced boy; + And the mealy-faced boy says, "Mother dear, + Now Hamilton's dead, I've a thousand a-year!" + + The lady has donn'd her mantle and hood, + She is bound for shrift at St. Mary's Rood:-- + "Oh! the taper shall burn, and the bell shall toll, + And the mass shall be said for my step-son's soul, + And the tablet fair shall be hung up on high, + _Orate pro anima Hamilton Tighe!_" + + Her coach and four + Draws up to the door, + With her groom, and her footman, and half a score more; + The lady steps into her coach alone, + And they hear her sigh and they hear her groan; + They close the door, and they turn the pin, + _But there's one rides with her who never stept in_! + All the way there, and all the way back, + The harness strains, and the coach-springs crack, + The horses snort, and plunge, and kick, + Till the coachman thinks he is driving Old Nick: + And the grooms and the footmen wonder and say, + "What makes the old coach so heavy to-day?" + But the mealy-faced boy peeps in, and sees + A man sitting there with his head on his knees. + + 'Tis ever the same, in hall or in bower, + Wherever the place, whatever the hour, + That lady mutters and talks to the air, + And her eye is fixed on an empty chair; + But the mealy-faced boy still whispers with dread, + "She talks to a man with never a head!" + + * * * * * + + There's an old yellow admiral living at Bath, + As grey as a badger, as thin as a lath; + And his very queer eyes have such very queer leers, + They seem to be trying to peep at his ears. + That old yellow admiral gs to the Rooms, + And he plays long whist, but he frets and fumes, + For all his knaves stand upside down, + And the Jack of clubs ds nothing but frown; + And the kings, and the aces, and all the best trumps, + Get into the hands of the other old frumps; + While, close to his partner, a man he sees + Counting the tricks with his head on his knees. + + In Ratcliffe Highway there's an old marine store, + And a great black doll hangs out at the door; + There are rusty locks, and dusty bags, + And musty phials, and fusty rags, + And a lusty old woman, called Thirsty Nan, + And her crusty old husband's a hairy-faced man! + + That hairy-faced man is sallow and wan, + And his great thick pigtail is wither'd and gone; + And he cries, "Take away that lubberly chap + That sits there and grins with his head in his lap!" + And the neighbours say, as they see him look sick, + "What a rum old covey is Hairy-faced Dick!" + + That admiral, lady, and hairy-faced man + May say what they please, and may do what they can; + But one thing seems remarkably clear,-- + They may die to-morrow, or live till next year,-- + But wherever they live, or whenever they die, + They'll never get quit of young Hamilton Tighe. + + + + + NIGHTS AT SEA: + _Or, Sketches of Naval Life during the War_. + BY THE OLD SAILOR. + + THE CAPTAIN'S CABIN. + + For the purple Nautilus is my boat, + In which I over the waters float; + The moon is shining upon the sea. + Who is there will come and sail with me?--L.E.L. + +Of all the craft that ever swam upon salt-water give me the dashing +forty-four gun frigate, with a ship's company of dare-devils who would +board his Satanic Majesty's kitchen in the midst of cooking-time, if +they could only get a gallant spirit to lead them. And pray, what would +a ship's company be without leaders? for, after all, it is the officers +that make the men what they are; so that, when I see a well-rigged +man-o'-war, in which discipline is preserved without unnecessary +punishment or toil, that's the hooker for me; and such was his Britannic +Majesty's frigate, "the saucy, thrash-'em-all SPANKAWAY," for by that +title was she known from Yarmouth Roads to the Land's End. Oh, she was a +lovely creature! almost a thing of life! and it would be outraging the +principles of beauty to give her any other than a female designation. +Everybody has been in love some time or other in the course of his +existence, and the object of affection was no doubt an angel in the eyes +of the ardent lover:--just so was the frigate to me--an angel; for she +had wings, and her movements were regulated by the breath of heaven. +She was the very standard of loveliness, the most exquisite of graceful +forms. At anchor she sat upon the water with all the elegance and ease +of the cygnet, or like a queen reclining on her downy couch. Under weigh +she resembled the pretty pintado bird skimming the billow tops, or the +fleet dolphin darting from wave to wave. Then to see her climb the +rolling swell, or cleave the rising foam, baptising her children with +the spray, and naming them her seamen--Oh, it was a spectacle worth a +life to witness! + +And who was her captain? the intrepid Lord Eustace Dash; a man more +ennobled by his acts than by the courtesy which conferred his title; one +who loved the women, hated the French, and had a constitutional liking +for the rattling reports of a long-eighteen. His first lieutenant, Mr. +Seymour, knew his duty, and performed it. The second lieutenant, Mr. +Sinnitt, followed the example of his senior. The third lieutenant, Mr. +Nugent, obeyed orders, touched the guitar, and was extremely anxious +to become an author. Then there was Mr. Scalpel, the surgeon; Mr. +Squeez'em, the purser; and Mr. Parallel, the master; with the two marine +officers, Plumstone and Peabody. Such were the _élite_ of the frigate; +but it would be unpardonable--a sort of sea-sacrilege--not to notice Mr. +Savage, the boatswain; Mr. Blueblazes, the gunner; and Mr. Bracebit, the +carpenter, all good men and true, who had come in at the hawse-holes, +and served through the various gradations till they mounted the +anchor-button on their long-tailed coats. As for the mates, midshipmen, +and assistant-surgeons, there was a very fair sprinkling,--the demons of +the orlop, each with his nickname. Her crew--but we will speak of them +presently. + +Hark! it is four bells, in the first dog-watch; and there rolls the +summons by the drum, calling the brave to arms. See how the hatchways +pour forth the living mass! and in three minutes every soul fore and aft +is at his appointed post. The gallant ship lies almost slumbering on the +fair bosom of the waters, and the little progress she ds make is as +noiseless as a delightful dream; like the lone point in the centre of +a circle, she is surrounded by the blue waves, and nothing intervenes +to break the connected curve of the horizon. Upon the quarter-deck, his +right hand thrust into his waistcoat, and his feet firmly planted on the +white plank, as if desirous of making the bark feel his own peculiar +weight, stands her brave commander: near him Mr. Squeez'em and two +young imps of aides-de-camp take up their allotted stations; the former +to note and minute down the details of action, the latter to fly to +the infernal regions of the magazine,or anywhere else, at the bidding +of their chief. The lieutenants are mustering their divisions through +the agency of the young gentlemen; the surgeon and his assistants, +happily having nothing to do below, appear abaft the mizen-mast; +whilst Mr. Parallel holds brief consultation with the veteran Savage, +whose portrait is affixed to each cat-head. Mr. Bracebit is sounding +the well, and old Blueblazes is skimming about wherever circumstances +require his presence. The marines, stiffened with pipe-clay, and their +heads immoveable from what the negroes appropriately call "a top-boot +round de neck," are parading on the gangway--their thumbs as stark as +tobacco-stoppers, and their fingers as straight as a "hap'orth of pins." +What a compound of pomatum and heel-ball, pipe-clay and sand-paper! + +And now the officers give in their reports to the captain, who walks +round the quarters to make a personal inspection, and, as he looks along +the frowning battery, his lordship is proud of his bonny bark; whilst, +as he gazes on his gallant crew, his heart exults in beholding some of +the finest specimens of Britain's own that ever made their "home upon +the deep." + +"What think you of the weather, Mr. Parallel?" inquires his lordship, on +returning to the quarter-deck. "Will it be fine to-night?" + +The old man scans the horizon with an eye of professional scrutiny, +and then replies, "I have my doubts, my lord; but at this time o' year +the helements are beyond the ken of human understanding. I've been up +the Mediterranean, off and on, man and boy, some five-and-forty years; +it is to me like the face of a parent to a child, but I never could +discover from its features what was passing in its heart, or the fit it +would take next; one minute a calm, the next a squall; one hour a gentle +breeze that just keeps the sails asleep, the next a gale of wind enough +to blow the devil's horns off." + +Lord Eustace well knows the veteran's peculiarities; indeed he is the +only privileged talker in the ship, and so much esteemed by all, that no +one seeks to check his loquacity. + +"Beat the retreat, and reef the topsails, Mr. Seymour," cries the +captain to his first lieutenant, and the latter despatches one of the +young gentlemen to repeat the orders. + +Rub-a-dub gs the drum again; but before the sound of the last tap has +died away, the twhit-twhit of the boatswain's call summons his mates +to their duty; a loud piping succeeds, and "Reef topsails ahoy!" is +bellowed forth from lungs that might have been cased with sheet-iron, +so hoarse is the appeal. And see! before you can slue round to look, +from the tack of the flying-jib to the outer clue of the spanker, the +lower rattlins of the fore, main, and mizen shrouds are thronged with +stout active young men, who keep stealthily ascending, till the first +lieutenant's "Away aloft!" sends them up like sparks from a chimney-pot. +The topsails are lowered, the studding-sail booms are triced up, the +topmen mount the horses, the earings are hauled out, the reef-points +tied, the sails rehoisted, and the men down on deck again in one minute +and fifty-two seconds from the moment the halliards first rattled from +the rack. + +"Very well done, Mr. Seymour!" exclaims his lordship, as he stands near +the wheel, with his gold repeater in his hand; "and cleverly reefed too: +those after-points are well taut, and show as straight a line as if it +had been ruled by a schoolmaster." + +"Natur's their schoolmaster, my lord," says old Parallel, with a pleased +and business-like countenance; "and, consequently, they have everything +well taut." + +"Very good, master," exclaimed his lordship, laughing, "you get more +witty than ever." + +"It's strange," muttered the veteran, surlily, "that I can't speak a +simple truth, without their logging it down again' me for wit. For my +part I see no wit in it." + +"Pipe the hammocks down, Mr. Seymour; give them half an hour, and then +call the watch," orders his lordship. + +"Ay, ay, sir!" responds the first lieutenant. "Stand by the hammocks, +Mr. Savage." + +"Twhit-twhit!" gs the boatswain's call, followed by a voice like a +distant thunderclap, "Hammocks ahoy!" and away flies every man to the +nettings; but not a lashing is touched till the whole have found owners, +(the occupation of a minute,) when the first lieutenant's "Pipe down!" +draws forth a lark-like chirping of the calls, and in a few seconds the +whole have disappeared; even the hammock-men to the young gentlemen have +fetched their duplicate, and the cloths are rolled up for the night. The +gallant Nelson had his coffin publicly exhibited in his cabin; but what +of that? the seaman constantly sleeps in his coffin, for such is his +hammock should he die at sea. + +Lord Eustace has retired to his cabin, and the officers are pacing to +and fro the quarter-deck, conversing on + + "Promotion, mess-debts, absent friends, and love." + +The glory of the day is on the wane; the full round moon arises bright +and beautiful, like a gigantic pearl from the coral caverns of the +ocean; but there is a sort of sallow mistiness upon the verge of the +western horizon, tinged with vermeil streaks from the last rays of the +setting sun, that produce feelings of an undefined and undefinable +nature: yet there is nothing threatening, for all is delightfully +tranquil; no cloud appears to excite apprehensions, for there is a +smile upon the face of the heavens, and its dimples are reflected on +the surface of the clear waters as assurances of safety. Yet, why are +there many keen and experienced eyes glancing at that sickly aspect of +the west, as if it were something which tells them of sudden squalls, +of whirling hurricanes, like the unnatural flush that gives warning of +approaching fever. + +"The captain will be happy to have the company of the gun-room officers, +to wind up the day, sir," said his lordship's steward, addressing the +first lieutenant. + +"The gun-room officers, much obliged, will wait upon his lordship," +returned Mr. Seymour; then, turning to Mr. Parallel, "Come, master; what +attracts your attention there to windward? The captain has sent us an +invitation to take our grog with him. Are you ready?" + +"Ay, ay!" responded the old man, "with pleasure; his lordship means +to make Saturday night of it, I suppose; and I must own it has been a +precious long week, though, according to the log, it's ounly Thursday." + +The cabin of Lord Eustace had nothing splendid about it; the guns were +secured by the tackles, ready for instant use, and everything was plain +and simple; the deck was carpeted, and the furniture, handsome of its +kind, more suited for utility than show. The baize-covered table was +amply supplied with wines, spirits, and liquors, which his lordship +prided himself in never having but of the best quality; and a jovial +party sat around to enjoy the invigorating cheer. + +"Gentlemen," said his lordship, rising, "The King!" + +Heartily was that toast drunk, for never was monarch more affectionately +served by his royal navy than George the Third. Other toasts were +given, national and characteristic songs were sung; the relaxation of +discipline loosened the restraints on harmony, and that kindly feeling +prevailed which forms the best bond of union amongst the officers, and +commands respect and esteem from the men. + +"Come, Mr. Nugent, have you nothing new to give us? no fresh effusion of +the muse?" enquired his lordship. + +"As for any thing fresh," said old Parallel, "I know he puts us all into +a pretty pickle with his 'briny helement,' and in his 'salt-sea sprays,' +everlasting spouting like a fin-back at play; what with him and the +marines' flutes I suffer a sort of cable-laid torture." + +"You've no taste for ptry, master," returned the young officer: "but +come, I'll give you my last song; Plumstone has set it to music;" and +with a clear sonorous voice he sang the following: + + "Hail to the flag--the gallant flag! Britannia's proudest boast; + Her herald o'er the distant sea, the guardian of her coast; + Where'er 'tis spread, on field or flood, the blazonry of fame; + And Britons hail its mastery with shouts of loud acclaim. + + Hail to the flag--the gallant flag! in battle or in blast; + Whether 'tis hoisted at the peak, or nail'd to splinter'd mast; + Though rent by service or by shot, all tatter'd it may be, + Old England's tars shall still maintain its dread supremacy. + + Hail to the flag--the gallant flag, that Nelson proudly bore, + When hostile banners waved aloft, amid the cannon's roar! + When France and Spain in unison the deadly battle close, + And deeper than its own red hue the vital current flows. + + Hail to the flag--the gallant flag! for it is Victory's own, + Though Trafalgar re-echs still the hero's dying groan; + The Spaniards dows'd their jaundiced rag on that eventful day, + And Gallic eagles humbly crouch'd, acknowledging our sway. + + Hail to the flag--the gallant flag! come, hoist it once again; + And show the haughty nations round, our throne is on the main; + Our ships are crowns and sceptres, whose titles have no flaw, + And legislators are our guns dispensing cannon law. + + Once more then hail the gallant flag! the seaman's honest pride, + Who loves to see it flaunt the breeze, and o'er the ocean ride; + Like the genius of his country, 'tis ever bold and free; + And he will prove, where'er it flies, we're sovereigns of the sea." + +"Very fair, very fair, Mr. Nugent," said his lordship; "and not badly +sung, either." + +"Ay, ay, my lord, the youngster's well enough," chimed in old Parallel; +"but, what with his ptry and book-making, I'm half afraid he'll forget +the traverse-tables altogether." + +"And pray how ds the book-making, as the master calls it, get on, +Nugent?" inquired the captain: "have you made much progress?" + +"I have commenced, my lord," returned the junior lieutenant, pulling out +some papers from his pocket; "and, with your lordship's permission----" + +"You'll inflict it upon us," grumbled the old master, and shrugging up +his shoulders as he perceived his messmate was actually about to read, +whether the captain sanctioned it or not. + +"Now then, attention to my introduction!" said Nugent, holding up the +manuscript, heedless of the nods and winks of his companions; "I'm sure +you'll like it. 'The moon is high in the mid heavens, and not a single +envious cloud frowns darkly upon her fair loveliness; there is a flood +of silvery light; and fleecy vapours, with their hoary crests, like +snow-wreaths from the mountain top, float on its surface to do honour to +the queen of night. The winds are sporting with the waters; the amorous +waves are heaving up their swelling bosoms to be kissed by the warm +breeze that comes laden with perfumes from the sunny clime of Italy. +There is a glow of crimson lingering in the west, as if departing day +blushed for her wanton sister. Hail, thou inland sea, upon whose breast +the gallant hers of the British isles have fought and conquered! +Ancient history recounts thy days of old, and the bold shores that +bind thee in their arms stand as indubitable records of the truth of +Holy Writ. The tall ship, reflected on thy ocean mirror, seems to view +her symmetry in silent exultation, as if conscious of her grandeur and +her beauty, her majesty and her might. The giantess of the deep, her +lightnings sleeping and her thunders hushed, dances lightly o'er thy +mimic billows, and curtseys to the gentle gale.' There, my lord, that is +the way I begin: and I appeal to your well-known judgment whether it is +not a pretty picture, and highly ptical." + +"A pretty picture truly," grumbled old Parallel: "it ounly wants a +squadron of angels seated with their bare starns upon the wet clouds, +scudding away before it like colliers in the Sevin, and in one corner +the heads of a couple o' butcher's boys blowing wooden skewers, and +then it would be complete. Why, there's the marine a-laughing at you. +Talk about the winds kissing the waves, indeed. Ay, ay, young sir, when +you've worked as many reckonings as ould Will Parallel,--and that's +myself,--you'll find 'em kiss somat else, or you'll have better luck +than your neighbours. Why don't you stick to Natur, if you mean to +write a book? and how'll the log stand then?--Why, His Majesty's ship +Spankaway cruising in the Mediterranean: and if you've worked your day's +work, you ought to know the latitude and longitude. Well, there she is, +with light winds and fine weather, under double-reefed top-sels, jib, +and spanker, the courses snugly hauled up, the t'gant-sels furled in +a skin as smooth as an infant's, the staysels nicely stowed, and not +a yard of useless canvass abroad. There'd be some sense in that, and +everybody would understand it; but as for your kissing and blushing, and +such like stuff, why it's all nonsense." + +"That's always the way with you matter-o'-fact men," retorted +the lieutenant: "you make no allowance for the colourings of the +imagination; your ideas of the picturesque never go beyond the ship's +paint." + +"But they do, though, my young friend," asseverated the master, to the +great amusement of all present. "Show me the ship's paint that can +compare with the ruby lustre of this fine old port--here's a discharge +of grape." + +"That's a metaphor, master," said the purser; "and, moreover,"--and he +seemed to shudder at the abomination,--"it is a pun." + +"Ay, ay," answered the veteran, holding up his glass to the light, and +eyeing its contents with evident satisfaction, "we've often met afore; +and as for the pun, I'll e'en swallow it;" and he drank off his wine +amidst a general laugh. "But do you really mean to write a book, Nugent?" + +"I do, indeed, master," answered the lieutenant; "but whether it will be +read or not is an affair for others to determine. I've got as far as I +have repeated to you, and must now pick up incidents and characters." + +"A bundle of shakings and a head-rope of wet swabs!" uttered the old +master contemptuously. "Stick to your log-book, Mr. Nugent, if ever +you hopes to get command of such a sweet craft as this here, of which +I have the honour to be the master. Larn to keep the ship's reck'ning, +and leave authorship to the poor devils who starves by it. There's +ounly two books as ever I look at--Hamilton Moore and the Bible; and +though I never yet sailed in a craft that rated a parson in commission, +yet I make out the latter tolerably well, notwithstanding my edication +sometimes gets jamm'd in a clinch, and my knowledge thrown slap aback: +but that's all nat'ral; for how can a man work to wind'ard through a +narrow passage without knowing somut o' the soundings or the outline +o' the coast. Howsomever, there's one course as is plain enough, and I +trust it will carry me clear at last,--to do my duty by my king, God +bless him!--and whilst the yards of conscience are squared by the lifts +and braces of honesty, I have no fear but I shall cheat the devil of one +messmate, and that's ould Will--myself." + +"A toast, gentlemen--a toast!" exclaimed his lordship in high animation; +"'The master of the Spankaway and his lady-mate.'" + +"I beg pardon, my lord," interrupted the surgeon, "the master is not +married; he is yet a solitary bachelor." + +"True--most true," chimed in Nugent, laughing; "for, according to the +words of the pt, + + "None but himself can be his PARALLEL." + +"You are too fastidious, gentlemen," said his lordship: "remember, it +is 'Wives and sweethearts;' and, as it is a favourite toast of mine, +we will, if you please, drink it standing." The toast was drunk with +all due honours. "And now," continued his lordship, "without further +preface, I shall volunteer a song, which Nugent may hoist into his book, +if he pleases. + + "Drink, drink to dear woman, whose beautiful eye, + Like the diamond's rich lustre or gem in the sky, + Is beaming with rapture, full, sparkling, and bright-- + Here's woman, the soul of man's choicest delight. + + CHORUS. + Then fill up a bumper, dear woman's our toast, + Our comfort in sorrows--in pleasure our boast. + + Drink, drink to dear woman, and gaze on her smile; + Love hides in those dimples his innocent guile: + 'Tis a signal for joy--'tis a balm for all w;-- + Here's woman, dear woman, man's heaven below. + + CHORUS. + Then fill up a bumper, dear woman's our toast, + Our comfort in sorrow--in pleasure our boast. + + Drink, drink to dear woman, and look on her tear:-- + Is it pain?--is it grief?--is it hope?--is it fear? + Oh! kiss it away, and believe whilst you press, + Here's woman, dear woman, man's friend in distress. + + CHORUS. + Then fill up a bumper, dear woman's our toast, + Our comfort in sorrow--in pleasure our boast. + + Drink, drink to dear woman, whose exquisite form + Was never design'd to encounter the storm, + Yet should sickness assail us, or trouble o'ercast, + Here's woman, dear woman, man's friend to the last. + + CHORUS. + Then fill up a bumper, dear woman's our toast, + Our comfort in sorrow--in pleasure our boast." + +As in duty bound, this song elicited great applause, and Nugent declared +he should most certainly avail himself of his lordship's proposal for +inserting it in his book. "But you have done nothing, Mr. Nugent," said +the captain. "You say you want incident and character. You have already +taken the frigate for your text;--there's the master now, a perfect +character." + +"For the love of good old port," exclaimed Parallel, as if alarmed, "let +me beg of you not to gibbet me in your consarn. But I'm not afraid of +it; book-making requires some head-piece; there's nothing to be done +without a head, nor ever has been." + +"I must differ with you there, Mr. Parallel," said Seymour +unobtrusively; "for I myself saw a very difficult thing done literally +without a head. + +"Galvanised, I suppose," uttered the doctor in a tone of inquiry; "the +power of the battery is wonderful." + +"There assuredly was a battery, doctor," responded the lieutenant, +laughing; "and a very heavy one too. But the event I'm speaking of had +no connexion with galvanism: it was sheer muscular motion." + +"Out with it, Seymour!"--"Let's have it by all means!"--"It will be an +incident for Nugent!"--"Out with it!" burst forth simultaneously from +all. + +"It certainly is curious," said the first lieutenant, assuming much +gravity of countenance, "and happened when I was junior luff of the old +Sharksnose. We were running into Rio Janeiro man-o'-war fashion, with a +pennant as long as a purser's account at the masthead, and a spanking +ensign hoisted at the gaff-end, with a fly that would have swept all the +sheep off of the Isle of Wight. Away we gallop'd along, when a shot from +Santa Cruz, the three-deck'd battery at the entrance, came slap into our +bows. 'Tell him we're pretty well, thanky,' shouted the skipper; and +our jolly first, who took his meaning, literally pointed the fokstle +gun, clapp'd the match to the priming, and off went the messenger, which +struck the sentry, who was pacing his post, right between the shoulders, +and whipt off his head as clean as you would snap a carrot; he was a +stout-made powerful-looking man, and by sheer muscular motion, as I said +before, his head flew up from his body at least a fathom and a half, +and actually descended upon the point of his bayonet, where it stuck +fast, and the unfortunate fellow walked the whole length of the rampart +in that way; nor was it till he got to the turn, and was steering round +to come back again, that he discovered the loss of his head, when, +according to the most approved practice in similar surgical cases, he +fell to the ground. It was sheer muscular motion, gentlemen,--sheer +muscular motion." + +"He would, no doubt, have been a good mussulman, Seymour, if he had been +a Turk," said his lordship. + +"He couldn't come the right-about face," said Peabody, "having lost his +head. It would have been a comical sight to have seen him present arms; +pray did he come to the present?" + +"No, nor yet to the recover, I'll be sworn," observed Plumstone; "no +doubt he grounded his arms and his head too." + +"Them chance shots often do the most mischief," remarked Parallel. "Who +would have thought that it would have gone right through his chest, so +as to leave him a headless trunk. Pray may I ax you whether he was near +his box?" + +"Well hove and strong, master," exclaimed Sinnitt, joining in the +general laugh; "your wit equals your beauty." + +"What have I said that's witty now?" returned the veteran; "I can't open +my mouth to utter a word of truth, or to ax a question, but I'm called a +wit; for my part, I see no wit in it." + +"Your anecdote," said his lordship, "reminds me of something similar +that I witnessed, when a youngster, at one of the New Zealand Isles. Our +captain took a party of us to see his dun-coloured majesty at court. +The monarch was seated in a mud, or rather clay building, nearly in +a state of nudity, his only covering being an old uniform coat and a +huge cocked-hat: his queens--happy man! I think he had seventy--not +quite so decently dressed as himself, were squatting, or lying down, in +different directions; several of them with such ornaments through their +lips and noses, as would have answered the purpose of rings in the decks +to a stopper'd best bower cable. I heartily wish some of our court +ladies could have seen this royal spectacle. We were ushered in through +an entrance, on each side of which was a pile of heads without tails +to them, most probably dropped in their hurry to wait upon the king. +His majesty was a man of mild countenance, and of most imperturbable +gravity; behind him stood a gigantic-looking rascal, with an enormous +dragoon's sabre over his shoulder, by way of warning to his majesty's +wives not to disturb his majesty's repose, or it was amongst the chances +of royalty that he would shorten their bodies and their days at the +same moment,--a sort of summary process to make good women of them; and +I began to suspect that some of those which we saw at the entrance had +once touched noses with his most disgusting majesty,--for a filthier +fellow I never set eyes on. You've, no doubt, seen some of those +curiously figured heads which grow upon New Zealand shoulders, for many +have been brought to England: our skipper, who was a sort of collector +of curiosities, was extremely desirous of obtaining one, but he was +aware that it was only the head men who were thus marked or tattod, +and he had run his eye over the samples at the doorway, but could not +detect one chief who had been deprived of his caput. Nevertheless, +by signs and through means of a Scotch interpreter, (for the prime +minister to Longchewfishcow was a Scotchman,) his majesty was informed +of the captain's wish; and in a short time several natives handsomely +tattod were drawn up within the building: the skipper was requested +to select the figures which pleased him most; and he, imagining that +the chiefs had been exhibited merely by way of pattern, fixed upon one +whose features appeared to have had pricked off upon them every day's +run of the children of Israel when cruising in the wilderness. The chief +bowed in token of satisfaction at being thus highly honoured; but, +before he could raise his head, it sprang away from his shoulders into +the captain's arms, with thanks for the compliment yet passing from the +lips:--the life-guardsman of the king had obeyed his majesty's signal, +and the dragoon's sabre had made sharp work of it." + +"It was quick and dead," said the old master. "Now, Mr. Nugent, you may +begin your book as soon as you please. I'm sure you have plenty of heads +to work upon." + +"You talk as if I had no head of my own, master," retorted the +lieutenant, somewhat offended; "and with all your wit you shall find +that I have got a head." + +"So has a scupper-nail," returned the veteran, "but it requires a deal +of hammering before you can get it to the leather." + +"Good-humour, gentlemen! good-humour!" said the captain, laughing; "no +recriminations, if you please, or we shall bring some of your heads to +the block." + +"To make blockheads of 'em, I suppose," observed old Parallel; "by +every rope in the top, but that's done already! Howsomever, as you are +lecturing upon heads, why I'll just relate an anecdote of a circumstance +that I was eyewitness to upwards of thirty years ago. I was then just +appointed acting-master of the 'Never-so-quick,' one o' your ould ship +sloops; and we were cruising in among the West Ingee islands, but more +especially boxing about the island of Cuba, and that way, for pirates. +Well, one morning at daybreak the look-out had just got upon the +foretopsel-yard, when word was passed that there were two sail almost +alongside of each other, and dead down to looard of us. There was a +nice little breeze, and so we ups stick, squares the yards, and sets +the stud'nsels a both sides, to run down and overhaul the strangers, +though we made pretty certain it was a pirate plundering a capture; and +we was the more convinced of the fact when broad daylight came, and our +glasses showed that one of 'em was a long low schooner, just such a one +as the picarooning marauders risk'd their necks in, and certainly better +judges of a swift craft never dipp'd their hands in a tar-bucket. She +saw us a-coming, and away she pay'd off before the wind, and up went a +squaresel of light duck that dragg'd the creatur along beautifully. The +other craft, a large brig, lay quite still with her maintopsel to the +mast, except that she came up and fell off as if her helm was lash'd +a-lee, Now the best point of the ould Never-so-quick's sailing was right +afore it, and so we not only held our own, but draw'd upon the vagabond +thief that was doing his best to slip his head out of a hangman's +noose, when it fell stark calm, the brig lying about midway between his +Majesty's ship and the devil's own schooner. Out went her sweeps, and +out went our boats; but she altered her course to get in shore, and +without a breath of wind they swept her along at the rate of four knots +and a half, whilst our ould beauty would hardly move; so the captain +recalls the boats, and orders 'em to overhaul the brig. We got alongside +about noon, a regular wasting burning hot noon; and we found a hand cut +off at the wrist grasping one of the main-chain plates, so that it could +hardly be disengaged." + +"Muscular power!" said Seymour; "the death-grapple, no doubt! +astonishing tenacity notwithstanding." + +"Howsomever, we did open the fingers," continued the master, "and found +by its delicate whiteness, and a ring on the wedding-finger, that it +belonged to a woman. When we got on board, the blood in various parts +of the quarter-deck, and at the gangways, indicated the murderous +tragedy that had been acted; but no semblance of human being could we +find except a head,--a bloody head that seemed to have been purposely +placed upon a flour-cask that was upended near the windlass. 'Well, +I'm bless'd,' says one of our boasun's-mates, who had steered the +pinnace,--'I'm bless'd if they arn't shaved you clean enough at any +rate; but d--my tarry trousers, look at that!--why then I'm a Dutchman +if it arn't winking at me.'--'Bathershin!' says an Irish topman, 'it's +stretching his daylights he is, mightily plased to see such good +company;' and sure enough the eyes were rolling about in a strange +fashion for a head as had no movables to consort to it; and presently +the mouth opened wide, and then the teeth snap'd to again, just like +a cat-fish at St. Jago's. 'It's a horrible sight,' said one of the +cutters, 'and them fellows'll go to ---- for it, that's one consolation; +but ain't it mighty queer, sir, that a head without ever a body should +be arter making such wry faces, and opening and shutting his sallyport, +seeing as he's scratched out of his mess?' A hideous grin distorted +every feature,--so hideous that it made me shudder; and first one eye +and then the other opened in rapid succession. 'I say, Jem,' says one of +the pinnaces to the boasun's-mate,--'I say, Jem, mayhap the gentleman +wants a bit o' pig-tail, for most likely he arn't had a chaw since +he lost his 'bacca-box.' This sally, with the usual recklessness of +seamen, produced a general laugh, which emboldened Jem to take out his +quid, and, watching an opportunity, he claps it into between the jaws; +but before he could gather in the slack of his arm, the teeth were fast +hold of his fingers, and there he was, jamm'd like Jackson, and roaring +out ten thousand murders. He tried to snatch his hand away, but the head +held on to the cask like grim death against the doctor; at last away +it roll'd over and Jem got clear, but the head stuck fast, and then +we discovered that there was a body inside. The head of the cask had +been taken out, and a hole cut hardly large enough to admit of the poor +fellow's neck; but nevertheless it had been hoop'd up again, and when +we got on board he was in the last convulsive gasps of strangulation. +We released him immediately, but it was only to find him so shockingly +mutilated that he died in about ten minutes afterwards; and not a soul +was left to tell us the fatal tale, though from an ensign and some +shreds of papers we conjectured the brig was a Spaniard. The pirates had +scuttled her. She made water too fast to think of saving her, and in a +couple of hours she went down." + +"Thankye, master, thankye," exclaimed several; "why we shall have you +writing a book before long, and you'll beat Nugent out and out. See, +he's ready to yield the palm." + +"Him!" uttered the old man, with a look expressive of rather more +contempt than the young lieutenant merited. "Him!" + +"Come, master," said Nugent, "we _must_ have your song,--it is your turn +next." + +"So it appears," replied the old man, as the frigate suddenly heeled +over. "You have had so much singing that even the winds must have a +_squall_." They were rising hastily from their seats, when in an instant +the frigate was nearly thrown on her beam-ends. Away went Parallel +right over the table into the stomach of the marine Peabody, whom he +capsized; and before another moment elapsed the gallant captain and his +officers were scrambling between the guns to leeward, and half buried in +water, amidst broken decanters and glasses, sea-biscuit and bottles. Old +Parallel grasped a decanter of port that was clinking its sides against +a ring-bolt, and, unwilling that so much good stuff should be wasted, +clapped the mouth to his own; the purser was fishing for his wig, as he +was extremely tenacious on the score of his bald head; the captain and +Seymour were trying for the door; the doctor got astride one gun, and +the two marine officers struggled for the other, so that as fast as one +got hold his messmate unhorsed him again. Sinnitt had crawled up to the +table, and Nugent twisted his coat-laps round him to preserve his MS. +from becoming saturated. The frigate righted again. His lordship and his +lieutenants rushed on deck, to behold the three topmasts, with all their +lengths of upper spars, hanging over the side, having in a white squall +been snapped short off by the caps. We will leave them in the present to + + "Call all hands to clear the wreck." + + + + + REMAINS OF HAJJI BABA. + +It appears that Hajji Baba, the Persian adventurer, known in this +country as the author of certain memoirs, is no more. In what particular +manner he quitted this world, we have not been able to ascertain; but, +through the kindness of a friend recently returned from the East, we +have been put in possession of the fragment of a Journal written by him, +by which we learn that he once again visited England (although incog.) +some time after the passing of the Reform bill. The view which he, his +Shah, and his nation, took of that event, is so characteristic of the +ignorance in which Eastern people live in matters relative to Europe, +and to England in particular, that we deem ourselves fortunate in being +able to lay so curious a document before our readers, and shall take +the liberty, from time to time, to insert portions of it, until it be +entirely exhausted. + + + CHAPTER I. + +Since my return from Frangistan, the current of my existence flowed more +like the waters of a canal than those of a river. I have been allowed to +smoke the pipe of tranquillity, rested upon the carpet of content; and +as my duties, which principally consisted in standing before the king +at stated times, and saying "_Belli_--Yes," and "_Mashallah_--Praise +be to God!" at proper intervals, I could not complain of the weight of +responsibility imposed upon me. + +I lived in the smallest of houses, consisting of one room, a sh +closet, and a small court; also of a kitchen. My principal amusement +was to sit in my room and look into my court-yard, and, as one must +think, my thoughts frequently would run upon my travels, upon the +strange things which I had seen, and upon the individuals with whom I +had become acquainted. My heart would soften as it dwelt upon the charms +of the moon-faced Bessy, and would rouse into anger when I reflected +that she was possessed by the infidel Figsby, at a time that she might +have been the head of the harem of a true believer. I frequently +recalled to myself all the peculiarities of the strange nation with +which I had lived, and compared it with my own. I brought to mind all +its contrivances to be happy, its House of Commons and its House of +Lords, its eternal quarrels, its cryings after "justice and no justice," +and its dark climate. I read over my journals, and thus lived my life +over again; but in proportion as years passed away, so I thought it +right, in relating my adventures to my countrymen, to diminish the most +wonderful parts of my narrative, for I found that, had I not done so, I +should have been set down as the greatest liar in Persia. Truth cannot +be told at all times,--that is a common saying; but now I found, in +what regarded the Francs, that truth ought never to be told. When, +on my return to Persia, I informed my countrymen that their men and +women lived together promiscuously,--that everybody drank wine and ate +pork,--that they never prayed,--that their kings danced, and that they +had no harems, I was believed, because I had many to confirm what I +said; but now that I stood alone, I found it would not do to venture +such assertions, for whenever I did I was always told that such events +might have taken place when I was in Frangistan, but that now Allah was +great, and that the holy Prophet could not allow such abominations to +exist. + +The news of the death of the King of England, to whom I had been +presented, had reached the ears of our Shah; and we were informed that +he was succeeded by his brother, a lord of the sea. Years passed away, +with all their various events, without much intercourse taking place +between Persia and England. England required no longer the friendship of +the Shah, and she therefore turned us over to the Governor of India, for +which she duly received our maledictions; and every one who knew upon +what a footing of intimacy the two nations had stood, said, as he spat +upon the ground, "Pooh! may their house be ruined!" She left our country +to be conquered, our finest provinces to be taken from us, and never +once put her hand out to help us. + +However, _Allah buzurg est!_--God is great! we soon found that the good +fortune of the king of kings had not forsaken him. Rumours began to be +spread abroad that affairs in England were in a bad way. Many foreigners +had enlisted themselves in the Shah's troops, and from them we learned +that, no doubt, ere long that country must be entirely ruined, for great +dangers threatened their present king. He was said to have got into the +possession of a certain rebellious tribe, whose ultimate aim was to set +up a new sovereign, called 'People Shah,' and to depose him and his +dynasty. We heard that great poverty reigned in that land, which I had +known so rich and prosperous; and that every department in the state had +been so reduced, that the king had not a house to live in, but that the +nation was quarrelling about the expense of building him one. + +We still had an English _elchi_ at our court, but he enjoyed little +or no consideration; and the news of the poverty of his country was +confirmed to us by what we learnt from his secretaries. Orders, it +seems, had just arrived from his court that every economy should be +observed in his expenses; and one may suppose to what extent, when we +are assured that, by way of saving official ink, it had been strictly +prohibited to put dots to the _I_'s, or strokes to the _T_'s. Presents +of all sorts were done away with:--the ambassador would not even +receive the common present of a water-melon, lest he should be obliged +to send one in return; and his whole conduct seemed more directed +by the calculations of debtor and creditor, like a merchant, than by +the intercourse of courtesy which ought to take place between crowned +heads. Some wicked infidels of French would whisper abroad, that kings +in Europe, like Saadi at Tabriz, were now become less than dogs, and +that therefore their representatives had no dignities to represent; +the English _elchi_, however, would not allow this, but gave us other +reasons for the economy practised in his country, stating that, although +every one allowed that such policy was full of mischief, yet that it +was necessary to humour the whim of this People Shah, who aspired to +the crown, and whose despotism was greater than even that of our famous +Nadir Shah. + +When I appeared at the King's Gate, and took my seat among the minor +officers who awaited the presence of the vizier previously to his going +before the Shah, the enemies of England, of whom there were many, would +taunt me with the news spread to her disadvantage, for I was looked upon +as a Frangi myself. + +"After all," said one, "own, O Hajji! that these Ingliz are an unclean +generation; that it is quite time they should eat their handful of +abomination."--"We are tired of always hearing them lauded," said +another. "Praised be the Prophet! that little by little we may also +defile their fathers' graves, and point our fingers at their mothers." + +"Why address me, O little man?" said I. "Am I their father, mother, +brother, or uncle, that you address me?--It was my destiny to go +amongst them; it was my destiny to come back. A fox ds not become a +swine because he gs through the ordure of the sty in search of his +own affairs. Let their houses be bankrupt, let their fathers grill in +Jehanum--what is that to me?" + +"What words are these?" said a third. "Your beard has changed its +colour. What are become of your guns that would reach from Tehran to Kom +placed side by side, or to Ispahan placed lengthwise? Where now are your +ships that spout more fire than Demawand, and your women like houris +that can read and write like men of the law? Formerly there was nothing +in the world like Francs; now you look upon them as dirt." + +Had I persisted in upholding my Ingliz friends, now that the tide had +turned against them, I should have done them no good, and myself harm; +therefore I applied the cotton of deafness to the ear of unwillingness. +Most true, however, it was that they daily lost in public estimation; +and rumours of the approaching downfal of English power and prosperity +came to us from so many quarters, that we could not do otherwise than +believe them. Whenever an Englishman now appeared in the streets, he was +called pig with impunity; and, instead of the bastinado which the man +who so insulted him formerly was wont to get, he now was left to repeat +the insult at his leisure. + +The fact principally urged was, that a disorder had broken out amongst +them, which affected the brain more than any other organ; that it had +taken possession of high and low, rich and poor, master and servant; and +raged with such violence, that it was almost dangerous to go amongst +them, although strangers were said not to catch it. It was neither +cholera, plague, nor heart-ache, and could not be assimilated to any +known disorder in the East. We have no name for it in Persia; in England +it is called _Reform_: and, as it had suddenly attacked the country when +in a state of great health and prosperity, it was supposed that some one +great evil eye had struck it, and that therefore no one could foresee +what might be its mischievous results. + + + CHAPTER II. + +Whilst seated one morning in my room, inspecting my face in my +looking-glass and combing my beard, preparatory to going to the daily +selam before the king, and thanking Allah from the bottom of my heart +for being secure in my mediocrity from all the storms and dangers of +public life, a loud knocking at my gate announced a visiter of no small +importance. My servant, for I kept one, quickly opened it, and I soon +was greeted by the _selam al aikum_ of one of the royal ferashes, who +exclaimed "The Shah wants you." + +So unusual a summons first startled, then alarmed me. A thousand +apprehensions rushed through my mind as quick as lightning, for on such +occasions in Persia one always apprehends--one never hopes. However, +I immediately gave the usual "_Becheshm!_--Upon my eyes be it!" and +prepared to obey his command. "Can I have said '_Belli_' in the wrong +place," thought I, "at the last selam? or did I perchance exclaim +'_Inshallah_--Please God,' instead of saying '_Mashallah_--Praise be to +God'? Allah only knows," thought I, shrugging up my shoulders, "for I am +sure I do not. Whatever has happened, Khoda is merciful!" + +I followed the ferash, but could gain no intelligence from him which +could in the least clear up my doubts. One thing I discovered, which was +that no _felek_, or sticks, had been displayed in the Shah's presence as +preparatory to a bastinado; and so far I felt safe. + +The Shah was seated in the _gulistan_, or rose-garden; the grand vizier +stood before him, as well as Mirza Firooz, my old master. When I +appeared, all my apprehensions vanished, for with a goodnatured voice +the king ordered me to approach. I made my most profound bow, and stood +on the brink of the marble basin without my shs. + +The king said, "_Mashallah!_ the Hajji is still a _khoobjuan_--a fine +youth; he is a good servant." + +Upon hearing these ominous words, I immediately felt that some very +objectionable service was about to be required of me. I answered, + +"May the shadow of the centre of the universe never be less! Whatever +your slave can do, he will by his head and by his eyes." + +After consulting with the grand vizier, who was standing in the +apartment in which the king was seated, his majesty exclaimed, + +"Hajji, we require zeal, activity, and intelligence at your hands. +Matters of high import to the state of Persia demand that one, the +master of wit, the lord of experience, and the ready in eloquence, +should immediately depart from our presence, in order to seek that of +our brother the King of England. You are the man we have selected; you +must be on horseback as soon as a fortunate hour occurs, and make your +way _chappari_--as a courier, to the gate of power in London." + +With my thanks for so high an honour sticking in my throat, I knelt +down, and kissed the ground; but if any one present had been skilful in +detecting the manning of looks, surely he would have read dismay and +disappointment in mine. + +"It is plain," said the Shah, turning towards the vizier and Mirza +Firooz occasionally as he spoke, "from all that has been reported to us, +that England, as it is now, is not that England of whose riches, power, +and prosperity so much has been said. It has had its day. It is falling +fast into decay. Its men are rebellious. Its ancient dynasty ere this +may have been supplanted by another, and its king a houseless wanderer." + +"_Belli! belli!_" said the vizier and Mirza Firooz. + +"In the first place," continued the Shah, "you must acquaint the king, +my brother, if such he still be, that the gate of the palace of the king +of kings is open to all the world; it is an asylum to kings as well +as to beggars; the needy find a roof, and the hungry food. Should the +vicissitudes of life, as we hear they are likely to do, throw him on the +world, tell him he will find a corner to sit in near our threshold; no +one shall molest him. He shall enjoy his own customs, saving, always, +eating the unclean beast; wine shall he have, and he will be allowed +to import his own wives. He may sit on chairs, shave whatever parts +of his body he likes, wear a shawl coat, diamond-beaded daggers, and +gold-headed furniture to his horse. Upon all these different heads make +his mind perfectly easy." + +"Upon my eyes be it!" I exclaimed, with the profoundest respect. + +"In the next place," said the king, "we have long heard that England +possesses a famous general, a long-tried and faithful servant to his +king. If he be a good servant, he will stick by his master in his +distress. You must see him, Hajji, and tell him from the lips of the +king of kings that he will be welcome in Persia; that he will find +protection at our stirrup, and, _Inshallah!_ he will be able to make his +face white before us. Whatever else is necessary to our service will be +explained to you by our grand vizier," said the Shah; and then, after +making me a few more complimentary speeches, I was dismissed. + +When I left the presence, I could not help thinking that the Shah must +be mad to send me upon so long a journey upon so strange an expedition; +and I inferred that there must be something more in it than met the eye. +I was not mistaken. No sooner had the grand vizier been dismissed than +he called me into his _khelvet_, or secret chamber, and there unfolded +to me the true object of my mission. + +"It is plain," said he, with the most unmoved gravity, "that the graves +of these infidels have been defiled, and that ere long there will be +an end of them and their prosperity. We must take advantage of their +distress. Much may be done by wisdom. In the first place, Hajji, we +shall get penknives and broad-cloth for nothing, that is quite clear; +then, spying-glasses and chandeliers, for which they are also famous, +may be had for the asking; and--who knows?--we may obtain the workmen +who manufactured them, and thus rise on the ruins of the infidels. All +this will mainly depend upon your sagacity. Then the Shah, who has +long desired to possess some English slaves in his harem, has thought +that this will be an excellent moment to procure some, and you will be +commissioned to buy as many as you can procure at reasonable prices. +Upon the breaking up of communities at the death of kings and governors, +we have always found, both in Iran and Turkey, that slaves and virgins +were to be bought for almost nothing; and, no doubt, that must be the +case among Francs." + +I was bewildered at all I heard; and thus at once to be transformed from +a mere sitter in a corner to an active agent in a foreign country, made +my liver drop, and turned my face upside down. + +"But, in the name of Allah," said I, "is it quite certain that this ruin +is going on in England? I have not read that wise people rightly, if so +suddenly they can allow themselves to be involved in misery." + +"What words are these?" said the vizier. "Everybody speaks of it as the +only thing certain in the world. Their own _elchi_ here allows it, and +informs everybody that a great change is going to take place in his +government. And is it not plain, that, if under their last government +they have reached the height of prosperity, a change must lead them to +adversity?" + +"We shall see," said I; "at all events, I am the Shah's servant; +whatever he orders I am bound to obey." + +"It is evident the good fortune of that country," exclaimed Mirza +Firooz, who was present also, "has turned ever since it abandoned Persia +to follow its own selfish views. Did I not say so a thousand times to +the ministers of the king of England; but they would not heed me?" + +"Whatever has produced their misfortunes, Allah only knows," said the +grand vizier; "it is as much their duty to submit, as it is ours to take +advantage of them. We must do everything to secure ourselves against +the power of our enemies. You must say to the King of England that the +asylum of the universe is ready to do everything to assist him; and, +as he is a man of the sea, you will just throw out the possibility +of his obtaining a command of the Shah's _grab_ (ship of war) in the +Caspian Sea. As for the famous general of whom the Shah spoke, (may the +holy Prophet take him in his holy keeping!) when once we have obtained +possession of him, _Inshallah!_ not one Russian will we leave on this +side the Caucasus; and it will be well for them if we do not carry our +arms to the very walls of Petersburg." + +To all these instructions all I had to say was, "Yes, upon my eyes be +it!" and when I had fully understood the object of my mission, I took my +departure, in order to make preparations for my journey. + + + + + THE PORTRAIT GALLERY. + +Physiognomy is the most important of all studies. Well versed in this +science, no man will be cursed with a scolding wife, a pilfering +servant, or an imbecile teacher for the offspring of his connubial +felicity. It has ever been my favourite pursuit; and, when a child, I +would not have tossed up with a pieman if he had exhibited a crusty +countenance. Lavater's immortal works are my _vade mecum_, and I have +carefully collected engraved portraits to discover the character of +every individual the limner had painted ere I read their lives. I lately +found that the Marquis of ---- had pursued a similar plan. His splendid +gallery of pictures is well known in all Europe; but his collection +of portraits at his favourite seat in ---- has been seen but by a few +privileged persons, and I, fortunately, was one of the number, having +been taken to his delightful mansion by his librarian, an old college +_chum_. + +Over the entrance of this gallery is an allegorical painting by +Watteau, or Lancret, which my guide explained. On the summit of a rock, +apparently of granite, and older than the Deluge, rose the Temple of +Fame. The paths that led to it, were steep and intricate, difficulties +that were not foreseen by the travellers tempted to thread this +labyrinth by the roseate bowers that formed their entrance, inviting the +weary pilgrim to seek a soft repose in their refreshing shade. But when +he awoke from his peaceful slumber and delicious visions, renovated and +invigorated, to pursue his journey, the scene soon changed; brambles, +bushes, and tangling weeds impeded his path; and, despite the apparent +solidity of the ground he trod, quicksands and moving bogs would often +dishearten the most adventurous. Numerous were the travellers who +strove to ascend the height, but few attained its wished-for summit; +while many of them, overcome with fatigue, and despairing of success, +stopped at some of the houses of reception, bad, good, and indifferent, +that they found on the road-side. + +However, the back part of the acclivity presented a different prospect. +There, the rock formed a terrific precipice, that no one could ascend +by the ordinary means of locomotion. A balloon at that period had not +been invented; yet I beheld a good number of visitors merrily hopping +over the flowery mead that led to the temple, culling posies and running +after butterflies, and in hearty fits of laughter on beholding the poor +pilgarlicks who were puffing and blowing in vain to climb up the other +face of the hill. The success of these fortunate adventurers amazed me, +until my _cicerone_ pointed out to me, a personage fantastically dressed +in the height of fashion, bewhiskered and moustached, hoisting up his +favourite companions with a rope, securely fastened to the brink of the +cliff. This individual, I found, was a brother of the goddess, and his +name was _Effrontus_. His sister had long endeavoured to rid herself of +his importunities, and had frequently complained to Jupiter to send the +knave out of the country; but the fellow had so ingratiated himself at +court,--more especially with the ladies, one of whom, by name _Famosa_, +supported him in all his extravagancies,--that he snapped his fingers at +his sister, and, by means of a latch-key, (forged by Vulcan as a reward +to Mercury for his vigilance over his wife, when he was obliged to be +absent in his workshop,) he could admit his impertinent cronies into +the very _sanctum_ of her abode, where they not only revelled in every +luxury, but actually sent out their scouts and tigers to increase the +obstacles that rendered the roads up the hill more impracticable, and +terrify by alarming reports the timid voyagers who were struggling up +the rugged steep. The contrast between these adventurers was curious. +The creatures of _Effrontus_, whom he had hoisted up, were all clad in +cloth of gold, or in black suits of silk and broadcloth, and some of +them wore large wigs of various forms and dimensions; while the poor +pilgrims were all in tatters, and, to all appearance, not rich enough to +purchase wigs, although they most needed them, as they were nearly all +bald or greyheaded. Howbeit, these fortunate candidates for celebrity +were not always prosperous; for the height they had ascended, swinging +to and fro by the rope of _Effrontus_, like boys bird-nesting in the +Isle of Wight, suspended from the cliff, frequently made them giddy, +and occasioned vertigs and dimness of sight, in consequence of which +they would sometimes fall over the precipice when they fancied they were +roaming about in security, and were dashed to pieces in the very dirty +valley where not long before they had grovelled. + +This allegory appeared to me ingenious; but when my guide opened +the door, and I found myself in a room hung round with portraits of +celebrated physicians, I observed that the painting was most applicable +to the gallery. My companion smiled at my remark, and proceeded to +describe some of the doctors whose likenesses I beheld. He said "This +gentleman, so finically dressed, with powdered curls, Brussels lace +frills and ruffles, was the celebrated DR. DULCET. You may perceive that +a smile of self-complacency plays on his simpering countenance, yet his +brow portrays some anxious cares, arising from inordinate vanity; and +those furrows on the forehead show that, fortunate as he may have been, +ambition would sometimes ruffle his pillow. + +Dulcet was of a low origin, and his education had been much neglected; +however, he possessed a good figure, handsome features, and a tolerable +share of impudence. When an apothecary's apprentice, his advantageous +points had been perceived by a discriminating duchess, who sent him to +Aberdeen to graduate; and shortly after his return, he was introduced +to royalty and fashion. Aware of the fickleness of Fortune, and well +acquainted with the miseries that attend her frowns, he displayed a tact +in courting the beldame's favour that would have done honour to the most +experienced and _canny_ emigrant from the Land of _Cakes_ roving over +the world in search of _bread_. He commenced his career, by courting +the old and the ugly of the fair sex, and devoting his _petits soins_ +soon to all the little urchins whom he was called to attend. Handsome +women he well knew were satiated with adulation, whereas flattery was a +god-send to those ladies who were not so advantageously gifted: these +he complimented on their intellectual superiority, their enlightened +mind, "that in itself contains the living fountains of beauteous and +sublime." Though the object of his attentions never opened a book, +save and excepting the Lady's Magazine, or read any thing but accounts +of fashionable _fracas_, offences, and births, deaths, and marriages +in the newspapers, he would discourse upon literature and arts, bring +them publications as intelligible to them as a Hebrew Talmud, ask their +opinion of every new novel or celebrated painting,--any popular opera +or favourite performer. If the lady had children, the ugliest little +toad was called an angel; and such of the imps who had been favoured by +nature in cross-breeding, he would swear were the image of their mother. +To court the creatures, he constantly gave them sugar-plums (which +afforded the double advantage or ministering to their gluttony and to +his friend the apothecary); while he presented them with _pretty_ little +books of _pictures_, and _nice_ toys. He had, moreover, a happy knack +of squeezing out a sympathetic tear from the corner of his eye whenever +the brat roared from pain or perversity; and on those occasions he would +screw his eyes until the crystal drop was made to fall upon the mother's +alabaster hand. It is needless to add, that the whole _coterie_ rang +with the extreme sensibility, the excellent heart of the dear doctor, +who had saved the darling's life, although nothing had ailed the sweet +pet but an over-stuffing. + +Another quality recommended him to female protection. Husbands and +father she ever considered as intruders in a consultation: he merely +looked upon them as the bankers of the ladies. It is true that, after +a domestic breeze, his visits were sometimes dispensed with for a +short time; but dreadful hysterics, that kept the whole house in an +uproar both night and day, soon brought back the doctor, who was the +only person who knew _my lady's_ constitution, and on these occasions +the lady's lord was too happy to take his hat and seek a refuge at +Crockford's, or some other consolatory refuge from nerves. It was +certainly true that Dulcet had made many important discoveries in the +treatment of ladies' affections. For instance, he had ascertained that +a pair of bays were more effectual in curing spasms, than chestnuts +or greys, unless his patient preferred them. Then, again, he was +convinced that Rundell and Bridge kept better remedies than Savory +and Moore: a box at the Opera was an infallible cure for a headache; +and the air of Brighton was absolutely necessary when its salutary +effects were increased by the breath of Royalty. Cards he looked upon as +indispensable, to prevent ladies from taking laudanum; and a successful +game of _écarté_ was as effectual an opiate, as extract of lettuce,--one +of his most favourite drugs. + +In this career of prosperity, a circumstance arose that for a time +damped his ardour. Dulcet had attended an East-Indian widow, the wealthy +relict of a civil servant of the Company. Her hand and fortune would +have enabled the doctor to throw physic to the dogs, and all the nasty +little brats whom he idolised after it. He had succeeded in becoming a +great favourite. The disconsolate lady could not eat, drink, or sleep, +without giving him his guinea. She scarcely knew at what end she was to +break an egg, or how many grains of salt she could safely put in it, +without his opinion; but, unfortunately, there was a certain colonel, +an old friend of her former husband, who was a constant visitor, and +who seemed to share with her medical attendant the lady's confidence. +Though Dulcet ordered her not to receive visitors when in a nervous +state, somehow or other the colonel had been admitted. On such occasions +he would shake his head in the most sapient manner, and observe that +the pulse was much agitated; but he did not dare forbid these (to him) +dangerous visits, and therefore endeavoured to attain his ends by a +more circuitous route, and gain time until the colonel's departure for +Bengal afforded him the vantage-ground of absence. The widow would +sometimes complain of her moping and lonely life. On these occasions +Dulcet would delicately hint that at some _future period_ a change of +condition might be desirable, and the widow would then sigh deeply, +and perchance shed a few tears, (whether from the recollection +of her dear departed husband, or the idea of the '_future period_' of +this change of condition,--a _futurity_ which was _sine die_,--I cannot +pretend to say); but the doctor strove to impress upon her mind, that +in her _present_ delicate state, the cares of a family, the pangs of +absence, the turmoil of society, would shake her 'too tender frame' to +very atoms, while the slightest shadow of an unkind shade would break +her sensitive heart; whereas a _leetle_ tranquillity would soon restore +her to that society of which she was considered the brightest ornament! +And then the sigh would become still deeper, and the tears would trickle +down her pallid cheek with increased rapidity, until Dulcet actually +fancied that 'the Heaven-moving pearls' were not beaded in sorrow, +but were 'shed from Nature like a kindly shower.' Still he knew the +sex too well, to venture upon so delicate a subject as matrimonial +consolation; and he, with no little reluctance, parted with a few fees +to obtain some intelligence regarding the lady's toilet-thoughts and +conversation with her favourite woman, a certain cunning abigail named +Mercer. Mercer was of course subject to nervous affections, which she +caught from her mistress; and Dulcet was as kind to the maid as to +her lady, well knowing that as no hero is a great man in the eyes of +his valet, no widow was crystalised with her waiting-maid. The visits +of the colonel had not been as frequent as usual; nay, Dulcet fancied +that he was received with some coolness, and on this important matter +Mercer was prudently consulted. The result of the conference fully +confirmed the doctor's fondest hopes; for he learnt from Mercer that +'her missus liked him above all and was never by no means half as fond +of the colonel, as she knew for certain that those soldier-officers +were not better than they ought to be, and there were red-rags on every +bush.' This communication, although made with cockney vulgarity, had a +more powerful effect upon the doctor than had he heard Demosthenes or +Cicero; and he could have embraced the girl with delight and gratitude +had he dared it,--but she was handsomer than her mistress; he, moreover, +fancied that such a condescension might tempt the girl's vanity to +boast of the favour; but he gave her something more substantial than a +kiss,--a diamond ring that graced his little finger, and which he always +displayed to advantage when feeling a tender pulse. + +Dulcet now altered his plan of campaign, redoubled his assiduity, +assured the widow that she was fast recovering her pristine strength +and healthy glow, and recommended her to shorten the 'futurity of the +period' he had alluded to; assuring her that _now_ the cares of a +family would give her occupation, and society once more would hail her +presence with delight. In her sweet smiles of satisfaction he read his +future bliss and independence. The colonel never came to the house; and, +one day, our doctor was on the point of declaring the purity and the +warmth of his affection, when the widow rendered the avowal needless, +informing him that she had resolved to follow his _kind advice_, and +that the ensuing week she was to be married to THE COLONEL, who had +gone down into the country to regulate his affairs. The blow fell upon +Dulcet like an apoplexy. Prudence made him conceal the bitterness of +his disappointment, and even induced him to be present at the wedding +breakfast; though his appetite was doubly impaired when he found that +Miss Mercer had married the colonel's valet, and he beheld his diamond +guarding her wedding-ring, while an ironical smile showed him, what +little faith was to be reposed in ladies' women. + +The report of this adventure entertained the town for nine days; but +on the tenth, through the patronage of his protectresses, Dulcet was +dubbed a knight, and soon after married a cheesemonger's daughter, ugly +enough to have a hereditary claim to virtue; but who possessed an ample +fortune, and was most anxious to become a lady. + +The librarian was proceeding to give me an account of the next +personage, a Dr. Cleaver, when the bell rung for dinner, and we +adjourned our illustrations until the following morning. V. + + + + + THE SORROWS OF LIFE. + + Who would recal departed days and years + To tread again the dark and cheerless road, + Which, leading through this gloomy vale of tears, + His weary feet in pain and toil have trod! + I've felt the bitterness of grief--I've shed + Such tears as only wretched mortals pour, + And wish'd among the calm and quiet dead + To find my sorrows and my sufferings o'er; + Yet firm in heart and hope I still bear up, + And onward steer my course true--a true "Flare-up". + SIGMA. + + + + + STRAY CHAPTERS. + BY "BOZ." + + + CHAPTER I. + + THE PANTOMIME OF LIFE. + +Before we plunge headlong into this paper, let us at once confess +to a fondness for pantomimes--to a gentle sympathy with clowns +and pantaloons--to an unqualified admiration of harlequins and +columbines--to a chaste delight in every action of their brief +existence, varied and many-coloured as those actions are, and +inconsistent though they occasionally be with those rigid and formal +rules of propriety which regulate the proceedings of meaner and less +comprehensive minds. We revel in pantomimes--not because they dazzle +one's eyes with tinsel and gold leaf; not because they present to us, +once again, the well-beloved chalked faces, and goggle eyes of our +childhood; not even because, like Christmas-day, and Twelfth-night, +and Shrove Tuesday, and one's own birth-day, they come to us but once +a-year;--our attachment is founded on a graver and a very different +reason. A pantomime is to us, a mirror of life; nay more, we maintain +that it is so to audiences generally, although they are not aware of it; +and that this very circumstance is the secret cause of their amusement +and delight. + +Let us take a slight example. The scene is a street: an elderly +gentleman, with a large face, and strongly marked features, appears. +His countenance beams with a sunny smile, and a perpetual dimple is +on his broad red cheek. He is evidently an opulent elderly gentlemen, +comfortable in circumstances, and well to do in the world. He is not +unmindful of the adornment of his person, for he is richly, not to say +gaudily dressed; and that he indulges to a reasonable extent in the +pleasures of the table, may be inferred from the joyous and oily manner +in which he rubs his stomach, by way of informing the audience that he +is going home to dinner. In the fullness of his heart, in the fancied +security of wealth, in the possession and enjoyment of all the good +things of life, the elderly gentleman suddenly loses his footing, and +stumbles. How the audience roar! He is set upon by a noisy and officious +crowd, who buffet and cuff him unmercifully. They scream with delight! +Every time the elderly gentleman struggles to get up, his relentless +persecutors knock him down again. The spectators are convulsed with +merriment! And when at last the elderly gentleman ds get up, and +staggers away, despoiled of hat, wig, and clothing, battered to pieces, +and his watch and money gone, they are exhausted with laughter, and +express their merriment and admiration in rounds of applause. + +Is this like life? Change the scene to any real street;--to the Stock +Exchange, or the City banker's; the merchant's counting-house, or even +the tradesman's shop. See any one of these men fall,--the more suddenly, +and the nearer the zenith of his pride and riches, the better. What a +wild hallo is raised over his prostrate carcase by the shouting mob; how +they whoop and yell as he lies humbled beneath them! Mark how eagerly +they set upon him when he is down; and how they mock and deride him as +he slinks away. Why, it is the pantomime to the very letter. + +Of all the pantomimic _dramatis personæ_, we consider the pantaloon +the most worthless and debauched. Independent of the dislike, one +naturally feels at seeing a gentleman of his years engaged in pursuits +highly unbecoming his gravity and time of life, we cannot conceal from +ourselves the fact that he is a treacherous worldly-minded old villain, +constantly enticing his younger companion, the clown, into acts of fraud +or petty larceny, and generally standing aside to watch the result of +the enterprise: if it be successful, he never forgets to return for his +share of the spoil; but if it turn out a failure, he generally retires +with remarkable caution and expedition, and keeps carefully aloof until +the affair has blown over. His amorous propensities, too, are eminently +disagreeable; and his mode of addressing ladies in the open street at +noon-day is downright improper, being usually neither more nor less +than a perceptible tickling of the aforesaid ladies in the waist, after +committing which, he starts back, manifestly ashamed (as well he may be) +of his own indecorum and temerity; continuing, nevertheless, to ogle and +beckon to them from a distance in a very unpleasant and immoral manner. + +Is there any man who cannot count a dozen pantaloons in his own social +circle? Is there any man who has not seen them swarming at the west end +of the town on a sun-shiny day or a summer's evening, going through +the last-named pantomimic feats with as much liquorish energy, and as +total an absence of reserve, as if they were on the very stage itself? +We can tell upon our fingers a dozen pantaloons of our acquaintance +at this moment--capital pantaloons, who have been performing all +kinds of strange freaks, to the great amusement of their friends and +acquaintance, for years past; and who to this day are making such +comical and ineffectual attempts to be young and dissolute, that all +beholders are like to die with laughter. + +Take that old gentleman who has just emerged from the _Café de l'Europe_ +in the Haymarket, where he has been dining at the expense of the young +man upon town with whom he shakes hands as they part at the door of the +tavern. The affected warmth of that shake of the hand, the courteous +nod, the obvious recollection of the dinner, the savoury flavour of +which still hangs upon his lips, are all characteristics of his great +prototype. He hobbles away humming an opera tune, and twirling his +cane to and fro, with affected carelessness. Suddenly he stops--'tis +at the milliner's window. He peeps through one of the large panes of +glass; and, his view of the ladies within being obstructed by the India +shawls, directs his attentions to the young girl with the bandbox in her +hand, who is gazing in at the window also. See! he draws beside her. He +coughs; she turns away from him. He draws near her again; she disregards +him. He gleefully chucks her under the chin, and, retreating a few +steps, nods and beckons with fantastic grimaces, while the girl bestows +a contemptuous and supercilious look upon his wrinkled visage. She +turns away with a flounce, and the old gentleman trots after her with a +toothless chuckle. The pantaloon to the life! + +But the close resemblance which the clowns of the stage bear to those +of every-day life, is perfectly extraordinary. Some people talk with a +sigh of the decline of pantomime, and murmur in low and dismal tones the +name of Grimaldi. We mean no disparagement to the worthy and excellent +old man when we say, that this is downright nonsense. Clowns that +beat Grimaldi all to nothing turn up every day, and nobody patronises +them--more's the pity! + +"I know who you mean," says some dirty-faced patron of Mr. +Osbaldistone's, laying down the Miscellany when he has got thus far; +and bestowing upon vacancy a most knowing glance: "you mean C. J. Smith +as did Guy Fawkes, and George Barnwell, at the Garden." The dirty-faced +gentleman has hardly uttered the words when he is interrupted by a +young gentleman in no shirt-collar and a Petersham coat. "No, no," +says the young gentleman; "he means Brown, King, and Gibson, at the +'Delphi." Now, with great deference both to the first-named gentleman +with the dirty face, and the last-named gentleman in the non-existing +shirt-collar, we do not mean, either the performer who so grotesquely +burlesqued the Popish conspirator, or the three unchangeables who have +been dancing the same dance under different imposing titles, and doing +the same thing under various high-sounding names, for some five or six +years last past. We have no sooner made this avowal than the public, +who have hitherto been silent witnesses of the dispute, inquire what on +earth it is we _do_ mean; and, with becoming respect, we proceed to tell +them. + +It is very well known to all play-grs and pantomime-seers, that the +scenes in which a theatrical clown is at the very height of his glory +are those which are described in the play-bills as "Cheesemonger's +shop, and Crockery warehouse," or "Tailor's shop, and Mrs. Queertable's +boarding-house," or places bearing some such title, where the great +fun of the thing consists in the hero's taking lodgings which he has +not the slightest intention of paying for, or obtaining goods under +false pretences, or abstracting the stock-in-trade of the respectable +shopkeeper next door, or robbing warehouse-porters as they pass under +his window, or, to shorten the catalogue, in his swindling everybody he +possibly can; it only remaining to be observed, that the more extensive +the swindling is, and the more barefaced the impudence of the swindler, +the greater the rapture and ecstasy of the audience. Now it is a most +remarkable fact that precisely this sort of thing occurs in real life +day after day, and nobody sees the humour of it. Let us illustrate our +position by detailing the plot of this portion of the pantomime--not of +the theatre, but of life. + +The Honourable Captain Fitz-Whisker Fiercy, attended by his +livery-servant Do'em,--a most respectable servant to look at, who has +grown grey in the service of the captain's family,--views, treats for, +and ultimately obtains possession of, the unfurnished house, such a +number, such a street. All the tradesmen in the neighbourhood are in +agonies of competition for the captain's custom; the captain is a +good-natured, kind-hearted, easy man, and, to avoid being the cause of +disappointment to any, he most handsomely gives orders to all. Hampers +of wine, baskets of provisions, cart-loads of furniture, boxes of +jewellery, supplies of luxuries of the costliest description, flock +to the house of the Honourable Captain Fitz-Whisker Fiercy, where +they are received with the utmost readiness by the highly respectable +Do'em; while the captain himself struts and swaggers about with that +compound air of conscious superiority, and general blood-thirstiness, +which a military captain should always, and ds most times wear, to +the admiration and terror of plebeian men. But the tradesmen's backs +are no sooner turned, than the captain, with all the eccentricity of a +mighty mind, and assisted by the faithful Do'em, whose devoted fidelity +is not the least touching part of his character, disposes of everything +to great advantage; for, although the articles fetch small sums, still +they are sold considerably above cost price, the cost to the captain +having been nothing at all. After various manoeuvres, the imposture is +discovered, Fitz-Fiercy and Do'em are recognised as confederates, and +the police-office to which they are both taken is thronged with their +dupes. + +Who can fail to recognise in this, the exact counterpart of the best +portion of a theatrical pantomime--Fitz-Whisker Fiercy by the clown; +Do'em by the pantaloon; and supernumeraries by the tradesmen? The best +of the joke, too, is that the very coal-merchant who is loudest in his +complaints against the person who defrauded him, is the identical man +who sat in the centre of the very front row of the pit last night and +laughed the most boisterously at this very same thing,--and not so well +done either. Talk of Grimaldi, we say again! Did Grimaldi, in his best +days, ever do anything in this way equal to Da Costa? + +The mention of this latter justly-celebrated clown reminds us of his +last piece of humour, the fraudulently obtaining certain stamped +acceptances from a young gentleman in the army. We had scarcely laid +down our pen to contemplate for a few moments this admirable actor's +performance of that exquisite practical joke, than a new branch of our +subject flashed suddenly upon us. So we take it up again at once. + +All people who have been behind the scenes, and most people who have +been before them, know, that in the representation of a pantomime, a +good many men are sent upon the stage for the express purpose of being +cheated, or knocked down, or both. Now, down to a moment ago, we had +never been able to understand for what possible purpose a great number +of odd, lazy, large-headed men, whom one is in the habit of meeting +here, and there, and everywhere, could ever have been created. We see it +all, now. They are the supernumeraries in the pantomime of life; the men +who have been thrust into it, with no other view than to be constantly +tumbling over each other, and running their heads against all sorts of +strange things. We sat opposite to one of these men at a supper-table, +only last week. Now we think of it, he was exactly like the gentlemen +with the pasteboard heads and faces, who do the corresponding business +in the theatrical pantomimes; there was the same broad stolid +simper--the same dull leaden eye--the same unmeaning, vacant stare; and +whatever was said, or whatever was done, he always came in at precisely +the wrong place, or jostled against something that he had not the +slightest business with. We looked at the man across the table, again +and again; and could not satisfy ourselves what race of beings to class +him with. How very odd that this never occurred to us before! + +We will frankly own that we have been much troubled with the harlequin. +We see harlequins of so many kinds in the real living pantomime, that we +hardly know which to select as the proper fellow of him of the theatres. +At one time we were disposed to think that the harlequin was neither +more nor less than a young man of family and independent property, who +had run away with an opera-dancer, and was fooling his life and his +means away in light and trivial amusements. On reflection, however, +we remembered that harlequins are occasionally guilty of witty, and +even clever acts, and we are rather disposed to acquit our young men +of family and independent property, generally speaking, of any such +misdemeanours. On a more mature consideration of the subject, we have +arrived at the conclusion, that the harlequins of life are just ordinary +men, to be found in no particular walk or degree, on whom a certain +station, or particular conjunction of circumstances, confers the magic +wand; and this brings us to a few words on the pantomime of public and +political life, which we shall say at once, and then conclude; merely +premising in this place, that we decline any reference whatever to the +columbine: being in no wise satisfied of the nature of her connexion +with her parti-coloured lover, and not feeling by any means clear +that we should be justified in introducing her to the virtuous and +respectable ladies who peruse our lucubrations. + +We take it that the commencement of a session of parliament is neither +more nor less than the drawing up of the curtain for a grand comic +pantomime; and that his Majesty's most gracious speech, on the opening +thereof, may be not inaptly compared to the clown's opening speech of +"Here we are!" "My lords and gentlemen, here we are!" appears, to our +mind at least, to be a very good abstract of the point and meaning +of the propitiatory address of the ministry. When we remember how +frequently this speech is made, immediately after the _change_ too, the +parallel is quite perfect, and still more singular. + +Perhaps the cast of our political pantomime never was richer than at +this day. We are particularly strong in clowns. At no former time, we +should say, have we had such astonishing tumblers, or performers so +ready to go through the whole of their feats for the amusement of an +admiring throng. Their extreme readiness to exhibit, indeed, has given +rise to some ill-natured reflections; it having been objected that by +exhibiting gratuitously through the country when the theatre is closed, +they reduce themselves to the level of mountebanks, and thereby tend to +degrade the respectability of the profession. Certainly Grimaldi never +did this sort of thing; and though Brown, King, and Gibson have gone +to the Surrey in vacation time, and Mr. C. J. Smith has ruralised at +Sadler's Wells, we find no theatrical precedent for a general tumbling +through the country, except in the gentleman, name unknown, who threw +summersets on behalf of the late Mr. Richardson, and who is no authority +either, because he had never been on the regular boards. + +But, laying aside this question, which after all is a mere matter of +taste, we may reflect with pride and gratification of heart on the +proficiency of our clowns as exhibited in the season. Night after night +will they twist and tumble about, till two, three, and four o'clock +in the morning; playing the strangest antics, and giving each other +the funniest slaps on the face that can possibly be imagined, without +evincing the smallest tokens of fatigue. The strange noises, the +confusion, the shouting and roaring, amid which all this is done, too, +would put to shame the most turbulent sixpenny gallery that ever yelled +through a boxing-night. + +It is especially curious to behold one of these clowns compelled to go +through the most surprising contortions by the irresistible influence of +the wand of office, which his leader or harlequin holds above his head. +Acted upon by this wonderful charm he will become perfectly motionless, +moving neither hand, foot, nor finger, and will even lose the faculty +of speech at an instant's notice; or, on the other hand, he will become +all life and animation if required, pouring forth a torrent of words +without sense or meaning, throwing himself into the wildest and most +fantastic contortions, and even grovelling on the earth and licking up +the dust. These exhibitions are more curious than pleasing; indeed they +are rather disgusting than otherwise, except to the admirers of such +things, with whom we confess we have no fellow-feeling. + +Strange tricks--very strange tricks--are also performed by the harlequin +who holds for the time being, the magic wand which we have just +mentioned. The mere waving it before a man's eyes will dispossess his +brain of all the notions previously stored there, and fill it with an +entirely new set of ideas; one gentle tap on the back will alter the +colour of a man's coat completely; and there are some expert performers, +who, having this wand held first on one side, and then on the other, +will change from side to side, turning their coats at every evolution, +with so much rapidity and dexterity, that the quickest eye can scarcely +detect their motions. Occasionally, the genius who confers the wand, +wrests it from the hand of the temporary possessor, and consigns it to +some new performer; on which occasions all the characters change sides, +and then the race and the hard knocks begin anew. + +We might have extended this chapter to a much greater length--we might +have carried the comparison into the liberal professions--we might have +shown, as was in fact our original purpose, that each is in itself a +little pantomime with scenes and characters of its own, complete; but, +as we fear we have been quite lengthy enough already, we shall leave +this chapter just where it is. A gentleman, not altogether unknown as a +dramatic poet, wrote thus a year or two ago-- + + "All the World's a stage, + And all the men and women merely players;" + +and we, tracking out his footsteps at the scarcely-worth-mentioning +little distance of a few millions of leagues behind, venture to add, +by way of new reading, that he meant a Pantomime, and that we are all +actors in The Pantomime of Life. + + + + + IMPROMPTU. + + Who the _dickens_ "Boz" could be + Puzzled many a learned elf; + Till time unveil'd the mystery, + And _Boz_ appear'd as DICKENS' self! + C. J. DAVIDS. + + + + + MEMOIRS OF SAMUEL FOOTE. + +Few writers obtained a larger share of notoriety during their lifetime +than Samuel Foote. If the interest which he excited was not very +profound, it was at any rate very generally diffused throughout the +community. His witty sayings were in every one's mouth; his plays were +the rage of the day; he was the constant guest of royalty, the Dukes +of York and Cumberland being among his staunchest friends and patrons; +and the "Sir Oracle" of all the _bons vivants_ and would-be wits of +the metropolis. Take up any light memoir of those days, and you shall +scarcely find one that does not bear testimony to the powers of this +incomparable humourist. Yet, what is he now? A name,--perhaps a great +one,--but little more. His plays are seldom acted, though the best Major +Sturgeon and Jerry Sneak that the stage ever had are still among us; +and as seldom perused in the closet, or assuredly they would have been +republished oftener than has been the case of late years. + +We are induced, therefore, to give a brief memoir of our English +Aristophanes, accompanied by as brief a criticism on his genius, such a +task falling naturally, indeed almost necessarily, within the scope of +our Miscellany. But enough of preface: "now to business," as Foote's own +Vamp would say. + +Samuel Foote was born at Truro in the year 1720. His family was of +credible extraction, his father being a gentleman of some repute in +Cornwall as receiver of fines for the duchy; and his mother, the +daughter of Sir Edward Goodere, Bart. M.P. for Herefordshire. From +this lady, whom he closely resembled in appearance and manner, he is +supposed to have inherited that turn for "merry malice" for which he +was famous above all his contemporaries. Mr. Cooke, in his notices of +Foote, describes his mother as having been "the very model of her son +Samuel,--short, fat, and flabby," and nearly equally remarkable for the +broad humour of her conversation. + +At an early age, young Foote was despatched to a school at Worcester, +where he soon became notorious for his practical jokes and inveterate +propensity to caricature. He was the leader in all the rebellions of the +boys, and perpetrated much small mischief on his own private account. +Among other of his freaks, it is stated that he was in the habit of +anointing his master's lips with ink while he slept in the chair of +authority, and then bewildering and overwhelming the good man with a +host of grave apologies. Yet, with all this, he was attentive to his +studies, reading hard by fits and starts; and left Worcester with the +reputation of being that very ambiguous character--a "lad of parts." + + [Illustration: SAMUEL FOOTE] + +At the usual period of life, Foote was entered of Worcester College, +Oxford, where, as at school, his favourite amusement consisted in +quizzing the authorities,--more especially the provost, who was a grave, +pedantic scholar, of a vinegar turn of temperament. The following hoax +is recorded as having been played off by him in his Freshman's year. In +one of the villages near Oxford there was a church that stood close by +a shady lane, through which cattle were in the habit of being driven to +and fro from grass. From the steeple or belfry of this church dangled +a rope, probably for the convenience of the ringers, which overhung +the porch, and descended to within a few feet of the ground. Foote, +who chanced to see it in the course of one of his rambles, resolved to +make it the subject of a practical joke; and accordingly, one night, +just as the cattle were passing down the lane, tied a wisp of fresh +hay tightly about the rope by way of bait. The scheme succeeded to a +miracle. One of the cows, as she passed the church-porch, attracted by +the fragrant smell of the fodder, stopped to nibble at, and tear it +away from the rope; and by so doing set the bell tolling, infinitely +to the astonishment and perplexity of the village authorities, who +did not detect the hoax, which was repeated more than once, till the +circumstance had become the talk of the neighbourhood for miles round. +We do not vouch for the authenticity of this anecdote, though more than +one biographer has alluded to it; but, as it is highly characteristic of +Foote, we think it not unlikely to be true. + +On quitting the university, Foote returned for a few months to his +father's house at Truro, at which period it was that a frightful tragedy +occurred in his family, which he seldom spoke of afterwards, and never +without the deepest emotion. We allude to the murder of his uncle Sir +John Goodere, by the baronet's brother Captain Goodere, which took +place about the year 1740. The parties had been dining together at a +friend's house near Bristol; apparently a reconciliation--for they +had been for some time on bad terms with each other, owing to certain +money transactions--had been agreed to between them; but, on his return +home, Sir John was waylaid, by his brother's orders, by the crew of his +vessel, which lay at anchor in the roads; carried on board, and there +strangled; the assassin looking on the while, and actually furnishing +the rope by which the murder was perpetrated. For this atrocious deed, +the Captain and his confederates, who, it appears, made no attempt at +concealment, were tried at the Bristol assizes, found guilty, and hanged. + +But the strangest part of this strange story remains to be told. On the +night the murder was committed, Foote arrived at his father's house at +Truro, and describes himself as having been kept awake for some time by +the softest and sweetest strains of music he had ever heard. At first +he imagined that it was a serenade got up by some of the family, by way +of a welcome home; but, on looking out of his windows, could see no +trace of the musicians, so was compelled to come to the conclusion that +the sounds were the mere offspring of his imagination. When, however, +he learned shortly afterwards that the catastrophe to which we have +alluded, had occurred on the same night, and at the same hour when he +had been greeted by the mysterious melody, he became, says one of his +biographers, persuaded that it was a supernatural warning, and retained +this impression to the last moment of his existence. Yet the man who +was thus strongly susceptible of superstitious influences, and who +could mistake a singing in the head, occasioned possibly by convivial +indulgence, for a hint direct from heaven, was the same who overwhelmed +Johnson with ridicule for believing in the Cock-lane ghost! + +At the age of twenty-two, shortly after he had quitted Oxford, Foote +entered the Temple; rented an expensive set of chambers; sported a +dashing equipage; gave constant convivial parties; gambled--betted--aped +the man of fashion and of title--in a word, distinguished himself as +one of the most exquisite fops about town. In those days the fop was +quite a different sort of person from what he is now. He was a wit, +and very frequently a scholar; whereas he is now, in the majority of +instances,--to quote Swift's pungent sarcasm,--"a mere peg whereon +to hang a trim suit of clothes." The last legitimate fop, or dandy, +vanished from the scene of gay life with Brummell. He was the _Ultimus +Romanorum_. + +One of Foote's most frequent places of resort was the Bedford +Coffee-house, then the favourite lounge of all the aspiring wits of the +day. Here Fielding, Beauclerk, Bonnell Thornton, and a host of kindred +spirits, used to lay down the law to their consenting audience; and here +too many of those verdicts issued which stamped the character of the +"last new piece." Such desultory habits of life--to say nothing of his +inveterate propensity to gambling--soon dissipated the handsome fortune +which Foote had acquired by his father's death; and, at the end of three +years, he was compelled to quit the law, and resort to some other means +of gaining a livelihood. + +From a young and enthusiastic amateur of the stage to a performer on its +boards, is no unnatural transition; and we find Foote, somewhere about +the year 1743, associated with his friend Macklin in the management of +a wooden theatre in the Haymarket. Having a lofty notion of his tragic +capabilities, he made his _debut_ in the character of Othello; and, +like Mathews, Liston, and Keeley, who began their theatrical career in +the same mistaken spirit, convulsed the audience with the grotesque +extravagance of his passion, and the irresistible drollery of his +pathos. Finding therefore that his forte did not lie in tragedy, he +next had recourse to comedy, and made a tolerable hit at Drury-lane +in the parts of Sir Paul Pliant, Bayes, and Fondlewife. We have seen +a portrait of him in this last character,--one of Congreve's earliest +and raciest,--and, if it be at all like him, we do not wonder at his +success, for his countenance is replete with the true sly, oily, +hypocritical expression. + +In the ear 1747, Foote produced his first piece at the Haymarket, in +which he mimicked the peculiarities of several well-known actors, and, +among others, Macklin. The play was successful; but its performance +having been interdicted by the Westminster magistrates, Foote brought +it out in a new form, under the title of "Diversions of the Morning," +and issued cards of invitation to the public, requesting the honour of +their company to a tea-party (at playhouse prices) at the Haymarket. +The experiment was a decided hit, and was followed up next season by an +"Auction of Pictures," in which the author lashed with pitiless ridicule +the Virtuoso follies of the day. + +Foote was now once again in possession of a handsome competency, for, in +addition to the money made by his labours as an author and an actor, an +unexpected legacy was left him by some branch of his mother's family. +Intoxicated by his good fortune, and unwarned by experience, he resumed +his old habits of extravagance; but, finding that his funds did not +disappear fast enough, he accelerated their diminution by a trip to +Paris, where he remained two or three years, and did not return home +until he found himself, as before, reduced to his last shilling. + +Immediately on his arrival in London, Foote renewed his engagement at +Drury-lane, and performed the principal character in his own play of +"The Knights;" but this proving less attractive than the two former +ones, he abruptly quitted town, and crossed the channel to Dublin, +where, in the year 1760, he brought out at the Crowstreet theatre his +celebrated comedy, "The Minor." This, which was then a mere crude sketch +in two acts, was unequivocally damned; but the circumstance, so far from +depressing the author's spirits, only stimulated him to fresh exertions, +and after mercifully revising the play, and adding a third act, he +produced it at the Haymarket. His industry did not go unrewarded. The +success of the comedy equalled his most sanguine expectations, being +played without intermission throughout the season, to houses crammed to +the very ceiling. + +It is a singular fact connected with this piquant play, that its +author, doubtful of its reception, sent it in MS. to the Archbishop of +Canterbury, with a request that, if he found any objectionable passages, +he would do him the favour to expunge them. Of course, his Grace +declined all interference with such a heterodox production, observing to +a friend, that if he had made the slightest alteration, the wag might +possibly have published it, as "corrected and prepared for the press by +the Archbishop of Canterbury!" This is as good a story as that told of +Shelley, who is said to have sent a copy of his "Queen Mab" to each of +the twenty-four bishops. The part which Foote played in the "Minor" was +that of the notorious Mother Cole; and the Parson Squintem, to whom this +exemplary specimen of womankind--as Jonathan Oldbuck would say--makes +such repeated allusions, is supposed to have been the celebrated +Whitfield. + +"The Minor" was followed in 1762 by "The Liar," which was brought out +at Covent Garden. This drama, the idea of which is borrowed from the +"Menteur" of Corneille, brought full houses for the season; and was +succeeded in the same year by the "Orators,"--an amusing play, but by +no means one of its author's best,--in which he ridiculed Falkner, +the printer of the Dublin Journal, and for which he got entangled in +a tedious law-suit that was not compromised without difficulty. About +this time, too, Foote, according to Boswell, announced his intention +of bringing Dr. Johnson on the stage; but the threat of a public +chastisement, with which "Surly Sam" threatened him, induced him to +abandon his intention. "What is the price of a good thick stick?" +said the Doctor on this remarkable occasion. "A shilling," replied +the individual to whom he put the question. "Then go, and buy me a +half-crown one; for if that rascal, Foote, persists in his attempt to +mimic me, I will step from the boxes, thrash him publicly before the +audience, and then make them a speech in justification of my conduct." +It is almost to be regretted that the satirist gave up his design, for a +capital Philippic has been thereby lost to the world. + +From this period Foote chiefly confined himself to the Haymarket, +where appeared in succession his "Mayor of Garratt," "Patron," and +"Commissary." The first, which was founded on the whimsical custom, +now discontinued, of choosing a mock M.P. for the village of Garratt +in Surrey, is a laughable hit at the warlike propensities of cockney +volunteers. After some years' neglect, it was revived with success +during the height of the anti-Jacobin phrensy, when Major Sturgeons +again sprung up as plentiful as mushrooms,--when every tailor strutted a +hero, and every Alderman felt himself a William Tell. + +Foote was now afloat on the full tide of prosperity, drawing crowded +houses whenever he performed; patronised by the nobility, at whose +tables he was a sort of privileged guest; and everywhere acknowledged as +the great lion of the day. In the year 1766, when on a visit with the +Duke of York at Lord Mexborough's, he had the misfortune to break his +leg by a fall from his horse in hunting. A silly peer condoling with him +shortly afterwards on this accident, the wag replied, "Pray, my lord, do +not allude to my weak point, I have not alluded to yours," at the same +time pointing significantly to the nobleman's head. + +By this misfortune Foote was withdrawn some months from his profession, +but on his recovery he purchased the Haymarket, and opened it with an +extravaganza entitled "The Tailors, or a Tragedy for Warm Weather." The +next year appeared his "Devil on Two Sticks," the machinery of which +is derived from the "Diable Boiteux" of Le Sage. This play, which was +a severe satire on those medical quacks who then, as now, infested the +metropolis, was so popular, that its author cleared upwards of three +thousand pounds by it, but, a few weeks after, lost it all by gambling +at Bath. + +Foote's next production was the "Maid of Bath", which was performed +in the year 1771. The principal characters in this comedy--Flint, the +avaricious old bachelor, and Miss Linnet, the vocalist to whom he is +represented as paying his addresses,--were portraits from life; the +former having been intended for Walter Long, a rich Somersetshire +squire, who died in 1807 at the age of ninety-five, leaving property to +the amount of a quarter of a million sterling to Miss Tilney Long, who +married the present Mr. Wellesley; and the latter for the beautiful Miss +Linley, afterwards Mrs. Sheridan. The "Maid of Bath" is a lively play, +containing one or two terse, brilliant witticisms worthy of Congreve; +such, for instance as the definition of marriage,--that it is like +"bobbing for a single eel in a barrel of snakes." Its best-sustained +character is that of Flint; in sketching which, Foote had evidently in +view the Athenian miser alluded to by Horace, for he makes him say, "Ay, +you may rail, and the people may hiss; but what care I? I have that at +home which will keep up my spirits,"--which is a manifest paraphrase from + + ----"Populus me sibilat; at mihi plaudo + Ipse domi, simul ac nummos contemplor in arcâ." + +This comedy is further deserving of notice, as showing the exquisite +tact and readiness with which Foote availed himself of the floating +topics of the day. At the time it appeared, the town was greatly +diverted by a squabble between Wilkes and the notorious political parson +John Horne, afterwards Horne Tooke, the latter of whom accused the +former of having sold some rich court-dresses which he had entrusted +to his care at Paris. In allusion to this amusing quarrel, Flint says, +speaking of the clergyman whom he has engaged to marry him to Miss +Linnet, "You have seen friend Button, the Minister that has come down to +tack us together; he don't care much to meddle with the pulpit, but he +is a prodigious patriot, and a great politician to boot; and, moreover, +he has left behind him at Paris a choice collection of curious rich +clothes, which he has promised to sell me cheap." + +The "Maid of Bath" was followed by the "Nabob" and the "Bankrupt," the +first of which was an effective attack on the habits of many of those +old curmudgeons who, about the middle of the last century--the period +of Anglo-Indian prosperity--returned with dried livers from the East, +rich as Chartres, and equally profligate; and the last, on the crazy +commercial speculations of the day. The sketch of Sir Robert Riscounter +in the "Bankrupt" is supposed to have been meant for the well-known Sir +George Fordyce, who failed, in the year 1772, for an almost unparalleled +amount. Of these two plays, the "Nabob" is the most carefully finished; +but its breadth and grossness must ever prevent its revival. + +In 1774 came out the "Cozeners," a pungent satire on the venal +politicians of the day. The corruption which had been sanctioned and +made systematic by Walpole and the Pelhams, was then in the full vigour +of its rank luxuriance; every man had his price; never therefore was +satire better applied than this of Foote's. The "Mrs. Fleec'em" of the +"Cozeners," a lady of accommodating virtue, and somewhat relaxed in +her notions of _meum_ and _tuum_, was intended for the notorious Mrs. +Catherine Rudd, who, after inducing the two brothers (Perreau) to commit +forgery, gave evidence against them, on the strength of which they were +hanged. Yet this creature, tainted as she was with the foulest moral +leprosy, was admitted into the best society, and died at a good old age +with the character of a discreet, respectable matron! + +We come now to Foote's last production. In the year 1775, the famous +Duchess of Kingston was tried before the House of Lords for bigamy, and +found guilty. Her case excited extraordinary interest throughout the +country; availing himself of which, Foote introduced her in the "Trip to +Calais" under the character of Lady Kitty Crocodile, which coming to her +Grace's ears, she procured its prohibition by the Lord Chamberlain, and, +not content with this measure of retaliation, got up through her minions +of the press, of whom she had numbers in her pay, a charge against +Foote of a most odious complexion,--so odious, indeed, that he had no +alternative but to demand an instant public trial, which ended, as might +have been anticipated, in his triumphant acquittal. But this result, +satisfactory as it was, had no power to restore him to his wonted peace +of mind. The dagger had struck home to the heart. His friends, too, for +the first time, began to look coolly on him; the anonymous agents of the +Duchess still pursued him with unrelenting acrimony; many of those whose +follies and crimes he had lashed, but who had feared to retort in his +hour of pride, swelled the clamour against him; and he found himself, in +the decline of health and manhood, becoming just as unpopular as he once +was the reverse. In vain he endeavoured to rally and make head against +this combination; his moral fortitude wholly deserted him; and after +performing a few times, after his trial, at the Haymarket, but with none +of his former vivacity, he was seized with a sudden paralytic affection, +and bade adieu to the stage for ever. + +About six months subsequent to his retirement, he was attacked by a +complaint which ultimately terminated his life; and, by his physician's +order, quitted London for the Continent, with a view to pass the winter +at Paris. But his constitution was too much shattered to admit of the +fatigue of such a journey, and he was compelled to halt at Dover, where, +on the morning after his arrival, a violent shivering fit came over him +while seated at the breakfast table, which in a few hours put an end to +his existence. No sooner was his death known in the metropolis, than a +re-action commenced in his favour. It was then discovered that, with all +his errors, he had been "more sinned against than sinning;" and some of +his friends even went the length of proposing the erection of a monument +to his memory! Just in the same way, a few years later, was Burns +treated by the world. He, too, was alternately caressed and vilified; +and finally hurried to a premature grave, the victim of a broken heart. +But this is the penalty that superior genius must ever be prepared to +pay. It walks alone along a dizzy, dangerous height, the observed of all +eyes; while gregarious common-place treads, secure and unnoticed, along +the tame, flat "Bedford level" of ordinary life! + +Having closed our brief memoir of Foote, it remains to say a few words +of his literary peculiarities. His humour was decidedly Aristophanic; +that is to say, broad, easy, reckless, satirical, without the slightest +alloy of _bonhommie_, and full of the directest personalities. There is +no playfulness or good-nature in his comedies. You laugh, it is true, at +his portraits, but at the same time you hold them in contempt; for there +is nothing redeeming in their eccentricities; nothing for your esteem +and admiration to lay hold of. We cannot gather from his writings, +as we can from every page of Goldsmith, that Foote possessed the +slightest sympathies with humanity. He seems everywhere to hold it at +arm's length, as worthy of nought but the must supercilious treatment; +which accounts for, and to a certain extent justifies, the treatment +he received from the world in his latter days. Foote could never have +drawn a "Good-natured Man," or even a "Dennis Brulgruddery;" for, though +he may have possessed the head to do so, yet he lacked the requisite +sensibility. So greatly deficient is he in this respect, that, whenever +he attempts to put forth a refined or generous sentiment, he almost +always overdoes it, and degenerates into cant. Yet his characters--with +the exception of his virtuous and moral ones, which are the most insipid +in the world--are admirably drawn, are sustained with unflagging spirit, +and evince a wide range of observation which, however, rarely pierces +beyond the surface. + +As works of art, Foote's dramas are by no means of first-rate +excellence. They show no fancy, no invention, no ingenuity in +constructing, or tact in developing plot; but are merely a collection +of scenes and incidents huddled confusedly together for the purpose +of drawing out the peculiarities of some two or three pet characters. +The best thing we can say of them is, that they exhibit everywhere the +keenness, the readiness, the self-possession, of the disciplined man +of the world, combined with a pungent malicious humour that reminds +us of a Mephistopheles in his merriest mood. It must also be urged in +their favour, that they are, in every sense of the word, original. +Foote copied no model, but painted direct from the life. He took no +hints from others, but gave his own fresh impressions of character. He +did not draw on his fancy, like Congreve, or study to make points like +Sheridan, but availed himself hastily of such materials as came readiest +to hand. The very extravagances of his early life were in his favour, by +bringing him in contact with those marked, out-of-the-way characters, +who, like Arabs, hang loose on the skirts of society, and constitute the +quintessence of comedy. Thus his inveterate love of gambling furnished +him with his masterly sketch of Dick Loader; and his long-continued +residence at Paris--into whose various dissipations he entered with all +the zeal of a devotee--with his successful hits at the absurdities of +our travelled fops. + +Foote's three best plays are his "Minor," his "Liar," and his "Mayor +of Garratt." Perhaps the last is his masterpiece; for it is alive and +bustling throughout, is finished with more than the author's ordinary +care, and contains two characters penned in his truest _con amore_ +spirit. Jerry Sneak and Major Sturgeon are, in their line, the two most +perfect delineations of which the minor British drama can boast. There +is no mistaking their identity. They speak the genuine, unadulterated +vulgar tongue of the City. Their sentiments are cockney; their meanness +and their bluster, their pompous self-conceit and abject humility, +are cockney; they are cockney all over from the crown of the head +to the sole of the shoe. What a rich set-off to the "marchings and +counter-marchings" of the one, is the other's recital of his domestic +grievances! Jerry's complaint that his wife only allows him "two +shillings for pocket-money," and helps him to "all the cold vittles +at table," is absolutely pathetic, if--as Hazlitt observes--"the last +stage of human imbecility can be called so." While Bow bells ring, and +St. Paul's church overlooks Cheapside, Foote's cockneys shall endure. +Nevertheless, while we acknowledge their excellence, we entertain +the most intense contempt for them, and feel the strongest possible +inclination to fling the Major into a horse-pond, and smother Jerry +Sneak in a basin of water-gruel. + +Foote's conversational abilities were, if possible, superior to his +literary ones. For men of the world, in particular, they must have +had an inexpressible charm. There is no wit on record who has said so +many good things, or with such perfect ease and readiness. Foote never +laid a pun-trap to catch the unwary. He had humour at will, and had +no need to resort to artifice. His mind was well, but not abundantly +stored; and he had the tact to make his knowledge appear greater than +it really was. The most sterling testimony that has been borne to his +colloquial powers, is that furnished by Dr. Johnson, who says, "The +first time I was in company with Foote, was at Fitzherbert's. Having no +good opinion of the fellow, I was resolved not to be pleased; and it +is very difficult to please a man against his will. I went on eating +my dinner pretty sullenly, affecting not to mind him; but the dog was +so very comical, that I was obliged to lay down my knife and fork, +and fairly laugh it out. Sir, he was irresistible." Foote's favourite +butt was Garrick, whose thrifty habits he was constantly turning into +ridicule. Being one day in company with him, when after satirizing +some individual, David had wound up his attack by saying, "Well, well, +perhaps before I condemn another, I should pull the _beam_ out of my own +eye," Foote replied. "And so you would, if you could _sell the timber_." +On another occasion, when they were dining together, Garrick happened +to let a guinea drop on the floor. "Where has it gone to?" asked Foote, +looking about for it. "Oh, to the devil, I suppose," was the reply. +"Ah, David," rejoined his tormentor, "you can always contrive to make a +guinea go farther than any one else." + +Such was Samuel Foote,--the wit, the satirist, the humourist--whose life +inculcates this wholesome truth, that those who set themselves up, with +no superior moral qualifications to recommend them, to ridicule the +follies and lash the vices of the age, but "sow the wind, to reap the +whirlwind!" + + + + + THE TWO BUTLERS. + +In all countries and all languages we have the story of _Il Bondocani_. +May I tell one from Ireland? + +It is now almost a hundred years ago--certainly eighty--since Tom--I +declare to Mnemosyne I forget what his surname was, if I ever knew it, +which I doubt,--It is at least eighty years since Tom emerged from his +master's kitchen in Clonmell, to make his way on a visit to foreign +countries. + +If I can well recollect dates, this event must have occurred at the end +of the days of George the Second, or very close after the accession +of George the Third, because in the course of the narrative it will +be disclosed that the tale runs of a Jacobite lord living quietly in +Ireland, and that I think must have been some time between 1740 and +1760,--or say 65. Just before the year of the young Pretender's burst, +a sharp eye used to be kept upon the "honest men" in all the three +kingdoms; and in Ireland, from the peculiar power which the surveillance +attendant on the penal laws gave the government, this sharp eye could +not be surpassed in sharpness,--that is to say, if it did not choose to +wink. Truth, nevertheless, makes us acknowledge that the authorities of +Ireland were ever inclined at the bottom of their hearts to countenance +lawlessness, if at all recommended by anything like a noble or a +romantic name. And no name could be more renowned or more romantic than +that of Ormond. + +It is to be found in all our histories well recorded. What are the lines +of Dryden?--and Dryden was a man who knew how to make verses worth +reading. + +And the rebel rose stuck to the house of Ormond for many a day;--but it +is useless to say more. Even I who would sing "Lilla bullalero bullen a +la,"--if I could, only I can't sing,--and who give "The glorious, pious, +and immortal memory," because I can toast,--even I do not think wrong of +the house of Ormond for sticking as it did to the house of Stuart. Of +that too I have a long story to tell some time or another. + +Never mind. I was mentioning all this, because I have not a 'Peerage' by +me; and I really do not know who was the Lord Ormond of the day which I +take to be the epoch of my tale. If I had a 'Peerage,' I am sure I could +settle it in a minute; but I have none. Those, therefore, who are most +interested in the affair ought to examine a 'Peerage,' to find who was +the man of the time;--I can only help them by a hint. My own particular +and personal reason for recollecting the matter is this: I am forty, +or more--never mind the quantity more; and I was told the story by my +uncle at least five-and-twenty years ago. That brings us to the year +1812,--say 1811. My uncle--his name was Jack--told me that he had heard +the story from Tom himself fifty years before that. If my uncle Jack, +who was a very good fellow, considerably given to potation, was precise +in his computation of time, the date of his story must have fallen in +1762--or 1763--no matter which. This brings me near the date I have +already assigned; but the reader of my essay has before him the grounds +of my chronological conjectures, and he can form his opinions on _data_ +as sufficiently as myself. + +I recur fearlessly to the fact that Tom--whatever his surname may have +been--emerged from the kitchen of his master in Clonmell, to make his +way to foreign countries. + +His master was a very honest fellow--a schoolmaster of the name of +Chaytor, a Quaker, round of paunch and red of nose. I believe that some +of his progeny are now men of office in Tipperary--and why should they +not? Summer school-vacations in Ireland occur in July; and Chaytor--by +the bye, I think he was _Tom_ Chaytor, but if Quakers have Christian +names I am not sure,--gave leave to his man Tom to go wandering about +the country. He had four, or perhaps five, days to himself. + +Tom, as he was described to me by my uncle over a jug of punch about +a quarter of a century ago, was what in his memory must have been a +smart-built fellow. Clean of limb, active of hand, light of leg, clear +of eye, bright of hair, white of tooth, and two-and-twenty; in short, he +was as handsome a lad as you would wish to look upon in a summer's day. +I mention a summer's day merely for its length; for even on a winter's +day there were few girls that could cast an eye upon him without +forgetting the frost. + +So he started for the land of Kilkenny, which is what we used to call +in Ireland twenty-four miles from Clonmell. They have stretched it +now to thirty; but I do not find it the longer or shorter in walking +or chalking. However, why should we gamble at an act of "justice to +Ireland?" Tom at all events cared little for the distance; and, going it +at a slapping pace, he made Kilkenny in six hours. I pass the itinerary. +He started at six in the morning, and arrived somewhat foot-worn, but +full not only of bread, but of wine, (for wine was to be found on +country road-sides in Ireland in those days,) in the ancient city of +Saint Canice about noon. + +Tom refreshed himself at the Feathers, kept in those days by a man named +Jerry Mulvany, who was supposed to be more nearly connected with the +family of Ormond than the rites of the church could allow; and having +swallowed as much of the substantial food and the pestiferous fluid that +mine host of the Feathers tendered him, the spirit of inquisitiveness, +which, according to the phrenologists, is developed in all mankind, +seized paramount hold of Tom. Tom--? ay, Tom it must be, for I really +cannot recollect his other name. + +If there be a guide-book to the curiosities of Kilkenny, the work has +escaped my researches. Of the city it is recorded, however, that it can +boast of fire without smoke, air without fog, and streets paved with +marble. And there's the college, and the bridge, and the ruins of St. +John's abbey, and St. Canice, and the Nore itself, and last, not least, +the castle of the Ormonds, with its woods and its walks, and its stables +and its gallery, and all the rest of it, predominating over the river. +It is a very fine-looking thing indeed; and, if I mistake not, John +Wilson Croker, in his youth, wrote a poem to its honour, beginning with + + "High on the sounding banks of Nore," + +every verse of which ended with "The castle," in the manner of Cowper's +"My Mary," or Ben Jonson's "Tom Tosspot." If I had the poem, I should +publish it here with the greatest pleasure; but I have it not. I forget +where I saw it, but I think it was in a Dublin magazine of a good many +years ago, when I was a junior sophister of T. C. D. + +Let the reader, then, in the absence of this document, imagine that +the poem was infinitely fine, and that the subject was worthy of the +muse. As the castle is the most particular lion of the city, it of +course speedily attracted the attention of Tom, who, swaggering in all +the independence of an emancipated footman up the street, soon found +himself at the gate. "Rearing himself thereat," as the old ballad has +it, stood a man basking in the sun. He was somewhat declining towards +what they call the vale of years in the language of poetry; but by +the twinkle of his eye, and the purple rotundity of his cheek, it was +evident that the years of the valley, like the lads of the valley, had +gone cheerily-o! The sun shone brightly upon his silver locks, escaping +from under a somewhat tarnished cocked-hat guarded with gold lace, the +gilding of which had much deteriorated since it departed from the shop +of the artificer; and upon a scarlet waistcoat, velvet certainly, but +of reduced condition, and in the same situation as to gilding as the +hat. His plum-coloured breeches were unbuckled at the knee, and his +ungartered stockings were on a downward progress towards his unbuckled +shoes. He had his hands--their wrists were garnished with unwashed +ruffles--in his breeches pockets; and he diverted himself with whistling +"Charley over the water," in a state of _quasi_-ruminant quiescence. +Nothing could be plainer than that he was a hanger-on of the castle off +duty, waiting his time until called for, when of course he was to appear +before his master in a more carefully arranged costume. + +Ormond Castle was then, as I believe it is now, a show-house, and the +visitors of Kilkenny found little difficulty in the admission; but, as +in those days purposes of political intrusion might be suspected, some +shadow at least of introduction was considered necessary. Tom, reared +in the household of a schoolmaster, where the despotic authority of the +chief extends a flavour of its quality to all his ministers, exhilarated +by the walk, and cheered by the eatables and drinkables which he had +swallowed, felt that there was no necessity for consulting any of the +usual points of etiquette, if indeed he knew that any such things were +in existence. + +"I say," said he, "old chap! is this castle to be seen? I'm told it's a +show; and if it is, let's have a look at it." + +"It is to be seen," replied the person addressed, "if you are properly +introduced." + +"That's all hum!" said Tom. "I know enough of the world, though I've +lived all my life in Clonmell, to know that a proper introduction +signifies a tester. Come, my old snouty, I'll stand all that's right if +you show me over it. Can you do it?" + +"Why," said his new friend, "I think I can; because, in fact, I am----" + +"Something about the house, I suppose. Well, though you've on a laced +jacket, and I only a plain frieze coat, we are both brothers of the +shoulder-knot. I tell you who I am. Did you ever hear of Chaytor the +Quaker, the schoolmaster of Clonmell?" + +"Never." + +"Well, he's a decent sort of fellow in the _propria quæ maribus_ line, +and gives as good a buttock of beef to anybody that gets over the +threshold of his door as you'd wish to meet; and I am his man,--his +valley de sham, head gentleman----" + +"Gentleman usher?" + +"No, not usher," responded Tom indignantly: "I have nothing to do with +ushers; they are scabby dogs of poor scholards, sizards, half-pays, and +the like; and all the young gentlemen much prefer me:--but I am his +_fiddleus Achates_, as master Jack Toler calls me,--that's a purty pup +who will make some fun some of these days,--his whacktotum, head-cook, +and dairy-maid, slush, and butler. What are you here?" + +"Why," replied the man at the gate, "I am a butler as well as you." + +"Oh! then we're both butlers; and you could as well pass us in. By +coarse, the butler must be a great fellow here; and I see you are rigged +out in the cast clothes of my lord. Isn't that true?" + +"True enough: he never gets a suit of clothes that it does not fall to +my lot to wear it; but if you wish to see the castle, I think I can +venture to show you all that it contains, even for the sake of our being +two butlers." + +It was not much sooner said than done. Tom accompanied his companion +over the house and grounds, making sundry critical observations on all +he saw therein,--on painting, architecture, gardening, the sublime and +beautiful, the scientific and picturesque,--in a manner which I doubt +not much resembled the average style of reviewing those matters in what +we now call the best public instructors. + +"Rum-looking old ruffians!" observed Tom, on casting his eyes along +the gallery containing the portraitures of the Ormondes. "Look at that +fellow there all battered up in iron; I wish to God I had as good a +church as he would rob!" + +"He was one of the old earls," replied his guide, "in the days of Henry +the Eighth; and I believe he did help in robbing churches." + +"I knew it by his look," said Tom; "and there's a chap there in a +wilderness of a wig. Gad! he looks as if he was like to be hanged." + +"He was so," said the cicerone; "for a gentleman of the name of Blood +was about to pay him that compliment at Tyburn." + +"Serve him right," observed Tom; "and this fellow with the short +stick in his hand;--what the deuce is the meaning of that?--was he a +constable?" + +"No," said his friend, "he was a marshal; but he had much to do with +keeping out of the way of constables for some years. Did you ever hear +of Dean Swift?" + +"Did I ever hear of the Dane? Why, my master has twenty books of his +that he's always reading, and he calls him Old Copper-farthing; and the +young gentlemen are quite wild to read them. I read some of them wance +(once); but they were all lies, about fairies and giants. Howsoever, +they say the Dane was a larned man." + +"Well, he was a great friend of that man with the short stick in his +hand." + +"By dad!" said Tom, "few of the Dane's friends was friends to the +Hanover succession; and I'd bet anything that that flourishing-looking +lad there was a friend to the Pretender." + +"It is likely that if you laid such a bet you would win it. He was a +great friend also of Queen Anne. Have you ever heard of her?" + +"Heard of Brandy Nan! To be sure I did--merry be the first of August! +But what's the use of looking at those queer old fools?--I wonder who +bothered themselves painting them?" + +"I do not think you knew the people;--they were Vandyke, Lely, Kneller." + +"I never heard of them in Clonmell," remarked Tom. "Have you anything to +drink?" + +"Plenty." + +"But you won't get into a scrape? Honour above all; I'd not like to have +you do it unless you were sure, for the glory of the cloth." + +The pledge of security being solemnly offered, Tom followed his +companion through the intricate passages of the castle until he came +into a small apartment, where he found a most plentiful repast before +him. He had not failed to observe, that, as he was guided through +the house, their path had been wholly uncrossed, for, if anybody +accidentally appeared, he hastily withdrew. One person only was detained +for a moment, and to him the butler spoke a few words in some unknown +tongue, which Tom of course set down as part of the Jacobite treason +pervading every part of the castle. + +"Gad!" said he, while beginning to lay into the round of beef, "I am +half inclined to think that the jabber you talked just now to the +powder-monkey we met in that corridor was not treason, but beef and +mustard: an't I right?" + +"Quite so." + +"Fall to, then, yourself. By Gad! you appear to have those lads under +your thumb--for this is great eating. I suppose you often rob my +lord?--speak plain, for I myself rob ould Chaytor the schoolmaster; but +there's a long difference between robbing a schoolmaster and robbing a +lord. I venture to say many a pound of his you have made away with." + +"A great many indeed. I am ashamed to say it, that for one pound he has +lost by anybody else, he has lost a hundred by me." + +"Ashamed, indeed! This is beautiful beef. But let us wash it down. By +the powers! is it champagne you are giving me? Well, I never drank but +one glass of it in my life, and that was from a bottle that I stole out +of a dozen which the master had when he was giving a great dinner to the +fathers of the boys just before the Christmas holidays the year before +last. My service to you. By Gor! if you do not break the Ormonds, I +can't tell who should." + +"Nor I. Finish your champagne. What else will you have to drink?" + +"Have you the run of the cellar?" + +"Certainly." + +"Why, then, claret is genteel; but the little I drank of it was mortal +cold. Could you find us a glass of brandy?" + +"Of course:" and on the sounding of a bell there appeared the same valet +who had been addressed in the corridor; and in the same language some +intimation was communicated, which in a few moments produced a bottle of +Nantz, rare and particular, placed before Tom with all the emollient +appliances necessary for turning it into punch. + +"By all that's bad," said the Clonmellian butler, "but ye keep these +fellows to their knitting. This is indeed capital stuff. Make for +yourself. When you come to Clonmell, ask for me--Tom--at old Chaytor's, +the Quaker schoolmaster, a few doors from the Globe. This lord of yours, +I am told, is a bloody Jacobite: here's the Hanover succession! but we +must not drink that here, for perhaps the old fellow himself might hear +us." + +"Nothing is more probable." + +"Well, then, mum's the word. I'm told he puts white roses in his dog's +ears, and drinks a certain person over the water on the tenth of June; +but, no matter, this is his house, and you and I are drinking his +drink,--so, why should we wish him bad luck? If he was hanged, of course +I'd go to see him, to be sure; would not you?" + +"I should certainly be there." + +By this time Tom was subdued by the champagne and the brandy, to say +nothing of the hot weather; and the spirit of hospitality rose strong +upon the spirit of cognac. His new friend gently hinted that a retreat +to his _gîte_ at the Feathers would be prudent; but to such a step Tom +would by no means consent unless the butler of the castle accompanied +him to take a parting bowl. With some reluctance the wish was complied +with, and both the butlers sallied forth on their way through the +principal streets of Kilkenny, just as the evening was beginning to +assume somewhat of a dusky hue. Tom had, in the course of the three or +four hours passed with his new friend, informed him of all the private +history of the house of Ormond, with that same regard to veracity +which in general characterises the accounts of the births, lives, and +educations of persons of the higher classes, to be found in fashionable +novels and other works drawn from the communications of such authorities +as our friend Tom; and his companion offered as much commentary as is +usually done on similar occasions. Proceeding in a twirling motion +along, he could not but observe that the principal persons whom they +met bowed most respectfully to the gentleman from the castle; and, on +being assured that this token of deference was paid because they were +tradesmen of the castle, who were indebted to the butler for his good +word in their business, Tom's appreciation of his friend's abilities +in the art of "improving" his situation was considerably enhanced. He +calculated that if they made money by the butler, the butler made money +by them; and he determined that on his return to Clonmell he too would +find tradesfolks ready to take hats off to him in the ratio of pedagogue +to peer. + +The Kilkenny man steadied the Clonmell man to the Feathers, where the +latter most potentially ordered a bowl of the best punch. The slipshod +waiter stared; but a look from Tom's friend was enough. They were +ushered into the best apartment of the house,--Tom remarking that it +was a different room from that which he occupied on his arrival; and in +a few minutes the master of the house, Mr. Mulvany, in his best array, +made his appearance with a pair of wax candles in his hands. He bowed to +the earth as he said, + +"If I had expected you, my----" + +"Leave the room," was the answer. + +"Not before I order my bowl of punch," said Tom. + +"Shall I, my----" + +"Yes," said the person addressed; "whatever he likes." + +"Well," said Tom, as Mulvany left the room, "if I ever saw anything to +match that. Is he one of the tradespeople of the castle? This does bate +everything. And, by dad, he's not unlike you in the face, neither! Och! +then, what a story I'll have when I get back to Clonmell." + +"Well, Tom," said his friend, "I may perhaps see you there; but +good-b'ye for a moment. I assure you I have had much pleasure in your +company." + +"He's a queer fellow that," thought Tom, "and I hope he'll be soon back. +It's a pleasant acquaintance I've made the first day I was in Kilkenny. +Sit down, Mr. Mulvany," said he, as that functionary entered, bearing a +bowl of punch, "and taste your brewing." To which invitation Mr. Mulvany +acceded, nothing loth, but still casting an anxious eye towards the door. + +"That's a mighty honest man," said Tom. + +"I do not know what you mean," replied the cautious Mulvany; (for, +"honest man" was in those days another word for Jacobite.) + +"I mane what I say," said Tom; "he's just showed me over the castle, and +gave me full and plenty of the best of eating and drinking. He tells me +he's the butler." + +"And so he is, you idiot of a man!" cried Mulvany. "He's the chief +Butler of Ireland." + +"What?" said Tom. + +"Why, him that was with you just now is the Earl of Ormond." + +My story is over-- + + "And James Fitzjames was Scotland's king." + +All the potations pottle-deep, the road-side drinking, the champagne, the +cognac, the punch of the Feathers, vanished at once from Tom's brain, to +make room for the recollection of what he had been saying for the last +three hours. Waiting for no further explanation, he threw up the window, +(they were sitting on a ground-floor,) and, leaving Mr. Mulvany to +finish the bowl as he pleased, proceeded at a hand-canter to Clonmell, +not freed from the apparition of Lord Ormond before he had left Kilcash +to his north; and nothing could ever again induce him to wander in +the direction of Kilkenny, there to run the risk of meeting with his +fellow-butler, until his lordship was so safely bestowed in the family +vault as to render the chance of collision highly improbable. Such is my +_Il Bondocani_. + T. C. D. + + [Illustration: The Little Bit of Tape] + + + + + THE LITTLE BIT OF TAPE. + BY RICHARD JOHNS, ESQ. + +"Slow and sure" has been the motto of my family from generation to +generation, and wonderfully has it prospered by acting on this maxim; +the misfortunes of the house of Slowby having apparently been reserved +for the only active and enterprising individual ever born unto that +name. Reader, I am that unhappy man! Waiters upon Fortune, plentifully +have all my progenitors fared from the dainties of the good lady's +table; while I, in my anxiety to share in the feast, have generally +upset the board, and lost every thing in the scramble. + +Sir James Slowby, my worthy father, was a younger son, and his portion +had been little more than the blessing of a parent, conveyed in the form +of words always used in our family--"Bless thee, my son; be slow and +sure, and you will be sure to get on." He did get on; for, was he not +one of the feelers of that huge polypus in society, the Slowbys? Ways of +making money, which other men had diligently sought in vain, discovered +themselves to him; places were conferred on him, and legacies left +him, for no one reason that could be discovered, except that he seemed +indifferent to such matters, and latterly became so wealthy, that he did +not require them. He was slow in marrying; not entering the "holy state" +till he was forty. He did not wed a fortune: no! he rather preferred a +woman of good expectations; and these were, of course, realised,--the +money came "slow and sure." He lived to a good old age; but death, +though slow, was sure also; and he at length died, leaving two sons: on +one he bestowed all his wealth; the other, my luckless self, he left a +beggarly dependent on an elder brother's bounty. The fact of the matter +was, I had too much vivacity to please so true a Slowby as my father; +while James was a man after his own heart: and, perhaps I had circulated +a little too much of the old gentleman's money in what he strangely +called my "loose kind of life;" but which I only denominated "living +fast." He might have confessed that I was not altogether selfish in my +pleasures. I often made my father most magnificent presents; and though, +perhaps, he ultimately had to pay the bills, the generosity of the +intention was the same. + +The following letters were written just before our worthy parent's +death, by his two sons. James was at the paternal mansion in ---- Square, +I at a little road-side public-house about four and twenty miles from +Newmarket. I must premise that I was thus far on my way to London, in +answer to my brother's summons; but, at "Ugley" over the post-chaise +went--a wheel was broken, and so was my left arm. The post-boys swore +it was my fault, because I had not patience to have the wheels properly +greased; and I, because it was my misfortune to be obliged to delay my +journey till the mischief was repaired--I mean as regards the WEAL of my +arm, not the wheel of the chaise,--for, had I been able, I would rather +have ridden one of the post-horses to the next stage, than not have +pursued my route. + + "_---- Square._ + MY DEAR BROTHER,--Your + father requests that you will take an early opportunity + of coming to town, as he is supposed to be on his + death-bed. His will only awaits your arrival to receive + signature. Should you solemnly promise not to dissipate + money as you have heretofore done, he will leave you a + gentlemanly competence. Dr. Druget is of opinion that + our father may live till Sunday next; so, if you are + here at any period before that date, you will be in + sufficient time for the above-mentioned purpose. + "Your affectionate brother, JAMES SLOWBY." + + "DEAR JIM,--_You_ might think + it wise to delay my seeing our dear father, but _I_ + did not;--so started at once,--double-fee'd the + post-boys,--double feed for the horses,--away I bowled, + till off came the wheel at Ugley. Here I am, with + a broken arm. Tell my father I am cut to the quick + that we may never meet again. I'll promise any thing + he likes. I now really see the folly of being always + in such a devil of a hurry; particularly in spending + money, paying bills, and that kind of thing: say that I + will now for ever stick by the family motto, 'slow and + sure.' + "Yours in haste, RICHARD SLOWBY." + + "P.S. I send my own servant to ride whip + and spur till he puts this in your hands; he will + beat the post by an hour and a half, which is of + consequence." + +This latter epistle never reached its destination,--my poor fellow broke +his neck at Epping; and, as the letter was despatched in too great haste +to be fully directed, it was opened and returned to me by the coroner in +due course of post. + +I did not get to town till long after the death of my father. The will +signed at last, my absence being unaccounted for, gave my brother the +whole property; nor did he seem inclined to part with a shilling. A +place in the T----, which the head of our ancient house, Lord Snaile, +had bestowed on my father, and still promised to keep in the family, +might yet be mine,--I was his lordship's godson, and had a fair chance +for it; but the now Sir James Slowby, second of the title, and worthy of +the name, would not withdraw his claim as eldest born. + +"I won't move in the matter, Richard," said my slow and sure brother; +"but if my lord gives me the offer, I will accept it. I am not greedy +after riches, Heaven knows; but it would be tempting Providence not to +hold what is put into my possession, nor freely take what is freely +given. His lordship has requested, by letter, that we both wait upon him +in Curzon Street, no doubt about the appointment; he makes mention of +wishing to introduce us to the ladies, after 'the despatch of business.' +Our cousin Maria used to be lovely as a child, and, though not a +fortune, may come in for something considerable, ultimately." + +Such was my brother's harangue. Sick of his prosing I left his +house, comforting myself that I had, at least, as much chance of +the appointment as he had; nor was I altogether without my hopes of +supplanting him with Maria, though _he_ might be worthy of wedding her +at Marylebone; and I, even with her own special licence, would have to +journey on the same errand as far as Gretna. + +I dined that day at Norwood with an old schoolfellow. At his house I +was to pass the night, and on the morrow, at two o'clock, my fate was +to be decided. On this eventful morning I was set down in Camberwell by +my friend's phaeton. I had seen the Norwood four-horse coach start for +town long before we left home, and had given myself great credit for not +allowing it to convey me that I might have from thence been enabled to +intrude on Lord Snaile's privacy an hour or two before I was expected. +But I recollected I had annoyed his lordship on more than one occasion +in a similar manner, and I seriously resolved that I would no longer +mar my fortunes by my precipitation. It was now, however, within two +hours of the time of appointment; my friend's vehicle was not going any +farther, and I might, at least, indulge myself by reaching Oxford Street +by the quickest public conveyance. Omnibuses had just been introduced +on that road; and the Red Rover, looking like a huge trap for catching +passengers, was drawn up at the end of Camberwell Green. "Charing Cross, +sir!"--"Oxford Street, sir!"--"Going directly, sir!" was music to my +ears, even from the cracked voice of a cad, and in I unfortunately got; +and there did I sit for ten minutes, while coaches innumerable, passed +me for London. Still I preserved my patience, firm in my good resolves. +At length another Westminster omnibus drove up. + +"Are you going now; or are you not?" said I, very properly restraining +an oath just on the tip of my tongue. + +"Going directly, sir--be in town long before him, sir," said the cad, +pointing to the other 'bus, for he saw my eye was turned towards it. + +At that moment a simple-looking servant-girl with a bandbox came across +the Green, and a fight commenced between the _conducteurs_ of the rival +vehicles for the unfortunate woman, in which she got not a little pulled +about. The Red Rover, however, won the day; and glad enough was I when +we started, at a rattling pace. But my pleasure was of short duration. + +"Where are you going?" asked an old women opposite me, who knew the +road, which I did not. + +"Going to take up, ma'am," said the cad. "We shall be back to the Green +Man in ten minutes if you've left any thing behind." + +"Where is my bandbox?" said the girl. + +"I knows nothing about it, not I; I suppose it went by the other 'bus +if you arn't a got it. Why did you let it out of your own hands, young +'oman? That 'ere cad is the greatest thief on the road." + +The girl began to cry, and declared she should lose her place; and I to +swear, for I thought it very likely I should lose mine. But we at length +once more passed the Green, and tore along at the rate of ten miles an +hour, till we set down passengers at the Elephant and Castle. Reader, +do you happen to know a biscuit-shop occupying the corner of the road +to Westminster, opposite the aforesaid Elephant and Castle? There it +was, the Red Rover drew up, and the cad descended to run after a man and +woman, who seemed undetermined whether they would take six-pennyworth +or not. My patience was now quite exhausted. A four-horse Westminster +coach was just starting across the way, and, determined to get a place +in a more expeditious conveyance, I dashed open the door of the omnibus +just as the _conducteur's_ "all right" again set the carriage in motion; +he, having failed in his canvassing, at the same instant jumped on +the step behind the 'bus. The consequences were direful. The cad was +transferred to the pavement by a swingeing blow on the temple from the +opening panel, while I lost my equilibrium, and made a full-length +prostration into mud four inches thick, which formed the bed of the +road. I had fallen face downward, and the infuriated official of the +'bus quickly bestrode me, grasping me by the nape of the neck. I gasped +for breath. Never shall I forget what I then inhaled. To bite the +dust is always disagreeable; but, I can assure you, it is nothing to +a mouthful of mud. Rescued at last by the intervention of the police, +I was permitted to rise. I had no time to dispute the question of +right and wrong; glad enough was I to be allowed to medicate the cad's +promissory black eye with a sovereign; for which I was declared by all +present, and particularly by the man what rides behind the 'homnibus' +"to be a perfect gemman, only a little hasty." Never was a gentleman +in a worse pickle. The road had been creamed by the _reign_ of wet +weather that marks an English summer. Had I been diving in a mud-cart, +or "far into the bowels of the land," through the medium of a ditch in +the neighbouring St. George's Fields, I could not have presented a more +extraordinary appearance. I might have been rated as a forty-shilling +landholder, and rich soil into the bargain. As soon as I could clear my +eyes sufficiently to permit of the exercise of vision, I espied an old +clothes' shop in the distance; and in this welcome retreat I speedily +bestowed myself amid cries of "How are you off for soap?"--"There you +go, stick-in-the-mud!"--"Where did you lie last?" and other specimens +of suburban wit. Having left the admiring gaze of about two hundred +spectators, I obtained a washing-tub and a private room from my +newly-formed acquaintance, Isaacs; and, my ablutions being complete, I +equipped myself in a full suit of black, which, though the habiliments +were rather the worse for wear, fitted me pretty well, and had been, +withal, decently made. I was also supplied with shirt and drawers, +"goot ash new," and a hat which Isaacs swore was only made the week +before, and "cheap ash dirt." I appreciated the simile, but the hat I +could scarcely get on my head; time was however wearing away, and I was +obliged to have it, as well as a pair of Blucher boots, not a Wellington +fitting me in the Jew's whole stock of such articles. I again started. +There happened to be a hackney-coach passing just as I emerged from the +shop. This was fortunate; for, to hide my low boots, Isaacs had strapped +my trousers down so tightly, that, not trusting much to the material, I +thought it might be advisable to avoid walking. + +I had yet sufficient time before me to keep my appointment, and I +was now fairly on my way to Curzon Street; nothing interrupting my +meditation for the next half hour but the paying of a turnpike. I had +certainly met with many vexatious annoyances during the morning; but I +felt pleased with myself for so far conquering my impetuous spirit as to +have exhibited, on the whole, but little irritation under my suffering. +For this, I thought I deserved to succeed in my present visit to that +high-priest of Fortune, a patron. Then I bethought me of Maria, and took +a glance at my suit of black. I fancied that I must look very like an +undertaker,--I knew not why: I had imagined myself perfectly gentlemanly +in appearance when I left my toilet at Norwood, and I had only changed +one suit of black for another,--but then these were not made for me. +Perhaps some poor fellow had been hanged in them. I got nervous and +miserable. + +My hat galled my head; I removed it, and held it in my hand. It +certainly did not look like a new one. I was ingeniously tormenting +myself with calling to memory every disease of the scalp I had ever +heard of, when I reached the corner of Curzon Street; and, not wishing +to desecrate the portals of the fastidious peer by driving up in a +"Jarvey," I got out, and made my approach on foot. I had knocked--there +was a delay in opening the door. The porter is out of the way, thought +I; and I took an opportunity of looking at my heels, to see if I had +walked off with any straws from the coach. I heard the door opening;--I +say heard, for I did not look up, my eyes just then resting on a small +_piece of tape_ that I had been dragging in the dirt--Oh! luckless +appurtenance of the drawers of the Jew!--Yes! the door was opening to +admit me to the presence of my noble relation--my patron--who I trusted +was waiting with an appointment of 1500_l._ a-year, anxious to bestow it +on his godson--the morning that was to witness my introduction to her +whom I had already wedded in my imagination--I saw a little piece of +tape dangling at my heels! Before the portals of the mansion had quite +gaped to receive me, my finger was twisted round this cruel instrument +of destiny, in the hope of breaking it. I pulled. Acting like a knife on +the trousers, fast strapped to my boots, and too powerful a strain on +the drawers, though "goot ash new," both were rent to the waistband;--my +coat ripped at the shoulder by the action of my arm;--my hat fell off, +and was taken by the wind down the street;--and the servant, to whom, +having finished this ingenious operation, I stood fully disclosed, +unfortunately saw but the effects, without knowing the cause of my +disaster. + +The man was too well-bred to remark my appearance, but he had every +reason for thinking me either mad or drunk; as, to crown all, my face +must have been flushed and distorted from rage and mortification. + +"My lord expects you in the library, sir," said the astounded servant. + +An abrupt "Tell my lord I'll call again" was my only reply, delivered +over my shoulder as I dashed from the door, perfectly unconscious of +what I was about, till I found myself in a tavern, the first friendly +door that was open to receive me. I here composed my bewildered +senses, despatched a messenger for a tailor, and set myself down to +concoct a note to Lord Snaile. But how narrate to the most particular, +matter-of-fact, and yet fastidious, man in the world the events of +that morning? I threw the pen and paper from me in despair. Nothing +now remained but to wait patiently, if possible, till I could make my +excuses in person. + +The tailor came, and in about an hour and a half I was again on my way +to his lordship's residence; but alas! ere I reached it, I met my steady +young brother, who with much formality thus addressed me. + +"Richard Slowby, your conduct this morning is the climax of your +excesses. His lordship requests that he may not in future be favoured +with your visits in Curzon Street; and I consider it my duty to inform +you, that these will be equally disagreeable in ---- Square." + +I felt at that moment too proud to ask for, or offer, explanations. +I saw by the twinkle of his cold grey eye that _he_ had received the +appointment, and of course it would have been against his principles to +resign it in my favour; so I merely told him that I should have great +pleasure in attending to the wishes of two men I so _equally_ respected +as Lord Snaile and Sir James Slowby: and, bidding him a very good +morning, I left him to his self-gratulations. + +About a twelvemonth afterwards, I elicited from the servant who had +opened the door to me, and delivered my unfortunate message to his +lordly master, the following particulars. + +It appears that on the man entering the library he found the peer +and the baronet seated together, the eyes of the former fixed on a +time-piece, which told the startling fact that the hour of appointment +was past, by five minutes. "Is Mr. Slowby come?" said my lord, turning +suddenly towards the servant. + +"Yes, my lord; but----" + +"Show him in directly, sir. Did I not tell you I expected Mr. Slowby, +and ordered him to be admitted?" + +"I told the gentleman so, my lord, and that you were waiting for him, +and he said he would call again. I am afraid the gentleman is unwell, my +lord." + +"Unwell!" cried his lordship, "and you allowed him to quit the house?" + +"He ran away, my lord;" and here, not knowing how far it would be safe +to give the conclusion he had drawn from my extraordinary manner and +appearance, the man hesitated. + +"Tell me why, this instant, sir," exclaimed his master; "there is some +mystery, and I will know it." + +"I beg pardon, my lord, but Mr. Slowby seemed much excited--was +without his hat, had torn clothes--scarcely decent, my lord. I hope +your lordship will excuse me, but the gentleman seemed flushed with +after-dinner indulgence in the morning, my lord." + +On this well-bred announcement of my being drunk, the peer and his +companion exchanged significant looks. + +"You may go," said my lord, bowing his head to the servant: but ere +my informant got further than the neutral ground between the double +doors, he heard my kind brother say, "Just like him;--dined yesterday at +Norwood." + +"A disgrace to the family!" sorrowfully remarked his lordship. "I had +hoped to benefit him, but"--a pause--"the appointment is yours, Sir +John. I could not trust it with a man of his character." + +It is satisfactory to know the particulars of one's misfortunes, and +these were given me at the "Bear" in Piccadilly. After being cut by all, +as a graceless vagabond, when it was discovered that I had few meals +to say grace over, I am now considered dead to society; but I am, in +fact, "living for revenge." To spite the omnibuses, and abuse the cads +at my leisure, I drive a short stage out of town; and if any gentleman +knows one Dick Hastings, and will "please to remember the coachman," he +who will drink to his honour's good health will be the luckless Richard +Slowby. + + + + + HIPPOTHANASIA; OR, THE LAST OF TAILS. + A LAMENTABLE TALE; BY WILLIAM JERDAN. + + "London and Brighton _Railway_ (quatuor); + Brighton and London _Railway_, without a tunnel; + Gateshead, South-Shields, and Monk-Wearmouth + _Railway_; London Grand-junction _Railway_; Northern + and Eastern _Railway_; Southeastern _Railway_; Great + Northern _Railway_; Great Western _Railway_; London + and Birmingham _Railway_; London and Greenwich + _Railway_; Croydon _Railway_; North-Midland _Railway_; + London and Blackwall _Railway_; Commercial-road + _Railway_; Wolverhampton and Dudley _Railway_; + Liverpool and Manchester _Railway_; Hull and Selby + _Railway_; Newcastle-upon-Tyne and Carlisle _Railway_; + Kingston-upon-Hull _Railway_; Durham Junction + _Railway_; Edinburgh and Glasgow _Railway_; Dublin and + Kingstown _Railway_; Dublin and Bantry Bay _Railway_; + London and Gravesend _Railway_; Commercial _Railway_; + Eastern Counties _Railway_; Llanelly _Railway_; London, + Salisbury and Exeter _Railway_; Preston and Wye + _Railway_; Bristol and Exeter _Railway_; Gravesend and + Dover _Railway_; Gravesend, Rochester, Chatham, and + Stroud _Railway_; London and Southampton _Railway_; + Gateshead and South Shields _Railway_; Cheltenham + and Great Western _Railway_; Lincoln _Railway_; + Leicester and Swannington _Railway_; Newcastle and + York _Railway_; Birmingham and Derby _Railway_; + Bolton and Leigh _Railway_; Canterbury and Whitstable + _Railway_; Clarence _Railway_; Cromford and Peak + Forest _Railway_; Edinburgh and Dalkeith _Railway_; + Dean Forest _Railway_; Hartlepool _Railway_; St. + Helens and Runc. Gap _Railway_; Manchester and Oldham + _Railway_; Preston and Wigan _Railway_; Stanhope and + Tyne _Railway_; Stockton and Darlington _Railway_; + Warrington and Newton _Railway_; the Grand Incomparable + North-southern, East-western _Railway_, with parallel + and radiating Branches," &c. &c. &c. + +"It may be observed," (says a newspaper in our hand, quite as correctly +informed as newspapers usually are,) "that the railway companies now +forming, of which we have a list before us, require a capital of upwards +of thirty millions of pounds, divided into nearly five hundred thousand +shares." + +This was in the year 1836; and the horror it excited in the race of +horses, native and foreign, inhabitants of the British empire, is not +to be described. A knowledge of the habits and intelligence of this +species is only to be obtained from the writings of our matter-of-fact +and lamented predecessor, Captain Lemuel Gulliver, whose travels among +the Houyhnhnms, rather more than a century ago, may have been heard +of by a few of our antiquarian and classical readers. To that work we +would refer, to show that Houyhnhnm is "the perfection of nature;" which +truth will partly account for the following melancholy narrative. "I +admired" (the author writes) "the strength, comeliness, and speed of +the inhabitants; and such a constellation of virtues in such amiable +persons, produced in me the highest veneration." + +Having the view of horse-flesh which this preface opens, though we +have not had an opportunity of studying it so purely under our mixed +government, breeds, and circumstances, it is unnecessary to explain +the panic which arose on the announcement of so universal a system of +railways to supersede the noble animal in every beneficial and elegant +office, and reduce it to the condition of a useless sinecurist, even +if permitted to live on human bounty. The result was that, when the +severities of winter fell thick and fast, a convocation was held by +moonlight in Smithfield, and adjourned, owing to the multitude, to +Horselydown, (so called from King John being tumbled off his nag by that +process in that locality,) and, after a most interesting discussion, +it was unanimously resolved that every horse in Great Britain should +die. Wherefore should they live? Steam-boats had thrown the wayfaring +trackers out of hay; steam-ploughs, the agricultural labourers out of +oats; steam-carriages, the best of posters out of employment; steam +guns, the military out of service; steam-engines, the mechanics out of +mills and factories;--in short, their occupations were gone, and they +knew not where they could get a bit to their mouths. Wherefore should +they live! + +The resolution having been communicated throughout the country, and +an hour appointed for the catastrophe, though it had nigh broken the +hearts of some petted ponies and favourites, it was obeyed with all +the stubborn _sted_-fastness of this illustrious creature. Racers and +hunters, coach and cart, high-bred and low, drays and galloways, saddle +and side ditto, Suffolk punches and dogsmeat, cobs and cabs, hacks +and shelties, respectables and rips, old and young, stallions, mares, +geldings, colts, foals, and fillies,--all perished at the same time. +O'Connell's tail was the only one that remained extant in England, +Wales, Scotland, and Ireland; but this our tale hath no reference to +that. It may be inquired by the physiologist what were the means of +death to which the abhorrence of steam induced the horses to resort; and +it is gratifying to be able to satisfy their thirst for knowledge by +stating that they died of the _Vapours_. + +But we now come to the extraordinary results which must spring from +the fatal fact we have just recorded. "_What next?_" as the political +pamphleteer sayeth:--ay, _what next_? How will the country go on? _What +will the Lords do_--without horses? + +The revolution produced by the event was immediately felt in every part +of the empire, in every pursuit, in every trade, in every amusement. +Within four-and-twenty hours, the isle was frighted from her propriety, +and England could no longer be recognised for herself. It is true that +the crown remained; but how shorn of its beams! And then the whole +_Equestrian_ order had been destroyed at a blow. Talk of swamping the +Peers! it was done, and they could dragoon the representatives of the +people no more. And in proportion to their fall was the rise of the +_Commoners_. Not a donkey-man whose ass fed on these wastes, but found +himself in a higher and more powerful position. When horses are out of +the field, great is the increase of the value of asses. The brutes, it +is true, are still long-eared, obstinate, devoid of speed, rat-tailed, +and stupid; but, in the absence of nobler beasts, whatever is, must be +first. And so it now happened. The huckster, the gipsy, the higgler, the +donkey-driver of Margate, the costermonger, the sandman, every asinine +possessor mounted in the scale, as it fell out, with a one or more +ass power, and the scum became the top of the boiling-pot of society, +who all at once found themselves gentlemen of property and influence. +Little had the superior classes dreamed how entirely their dignity and +consequence depended on their "cattle;" but now, when a Wellington, +a Grey, a Melbourne, an Anglesey, a Jersey, a Cavendish, a Fane, a +Somerset, had to trudge on foot through the muddy streets, whilst the +Scrogginses, the Smiths, the Gileses, the Toms, Bills, and Charleys +honoured them with a nod and a splash as they scampered by, shouting "Go +it, Neddy!" it was sadly demonstrated to them, and to the world, that +their former personal vanity, pride, and presumption had been built on +a false foundation; for it was not themselves, but their fine and noble +horses, that had won the observance and submissiveness of their fellow +men unmounted. + +The instant effects of the hippo-hecatomb in every circle and business +of life were as remarkable as they were important. No previous +imagination could have suggested a homoeopathic part of the vast +change. His Majesty had decided to open parliament, not by proxy, but in +person,--that is to say, he was to proceed to the House in royal state, +and read his speech as if it were his own, instead of leaving it to five +gentlemen in large cloaks, as if it were theirs, and he ashamed to march +through Coventry with them; but, alas the day! the cream-coloured steeds +were all dead, and the blacks were as pale as the cream. Windsor awoke +in affright and dismay. There were the royal carriages, and there the +coachmen, and there the grooms, and there the hussars; but where were +the horses? Gone! It was a moment for an ebullition of loyalty, and we +record it as an everlasting honour to their young patriotic feelings, +that the boys at Eton, in this mighty emergency, respectfully offered +their services to drag the King to London, providing the head-master +sat upon the box as driver, and the ushers clustered behind, in the +character of the footmen. A council held on the proposition decided +that the task would be too much for the tender years of the Etonians, +and especially as drawing had hardly been taught in that classic +establishment; so that, instead of being competent to draw a monarch, +there was not a boy in the school who could draw anything. At Woolwich +it was quite the reverse. In the increasing dilemma,--for his Majesty +declined the walk, and the route by the river could not be performed in +time,--it was resolved to despatch one of the royal messengers on the +swiftest ass which the town could produce, and order a short prorogation +till measures could be adopted to meet the awful exigences of the crisis. + +In London, meanwhile, the consternation was equally overwhelming, if not +more so. Ministers met in cabinet, but, as usual, knew not what to do; +and so agreed to lie by, a bit, and see how matters might shape their +own course. The First Lord of the Treasury and three secretaries sat +down to a rubber of long whist, half-crown points; the Lord President +of the Council, First Lord of the Admiralty, President of the Board +of Control, Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, and Lord Privy +Seal, preferred three-card loo; and the Chancellor of the Exchequer +and the President of the Board of Trade had a capital _tête-à-tête_ +bout at brag. The other officers of state employed themselves as +they could, from the Lord High Chancellor to the store-keepers and +under-secretaries. And meanwhile the public mind, that is to say, all +the mind inside the hats of the mob about Whitehall and Westminster, was +in a tumult of excitement. Two o'clock struck, and no guns were heard: +three, and the patereros were dumb. The clock of the Horse Guards--the +Horse Guards! a name of departed glory and present woe!--told the +hour in vain; till, just as it gave warning for four, a breathless +and panting ass was seen galloping into Downing street. It bore the +express from Windsor, who by prodigious exertions had accomplished the +journey in less than seven hours. The unfinished rubber was broken up, +to the heavy mortification of the First Lord, who scored eight, and was +looking forward to a call of the honours; the loo-scores were balanced +and settled, the First Lord of the Admiralty pocketing the profits, in +consequence of taking one for his heels as the donkey turned up; and +"I brag" fell no more from Exchequer or Trade. But it was already too +late to restore order; and confusion in the midst of deliberation only +became worse confounded. Extraneous calamities every instant interfered. +No mails had arrived, and very few peeresses. The letters containing +friendly assurances from foreign governments were in post-offices, +Heaven knew at what distances. Such of the ministers, bachelor as well +as married, as were directed by their grey mares, had no opportunity +for consulting and receiving their commands, though it must have been +in some degree a consolation to feel that they remained amid the wreck +of horse-flesh. In short, in politics, as at cards, the game was up. +The English constitution was not the constitution of a horse, and it +gave way before the frightful revolution; and, to add to the individual +horrors of the scene, the Master of the Buckhounds, the Master of the +Horse, the Postmaster-General, and the Master of the Rolls (why _he_, +could never be conjectured) committed suicide in the course of the +ensuing night; and the Lord Chancellor became a confirmed lunatic, under +his own care. + +It were tedious to trace all the varieties of aspects into which this +awful event plunged the nation: a few, briefly described, may suffice +to indicate its universal extent and terrible alterations. Routs, ball, +at homes, operas, and every fashionable amusement and resort were +abrogated. The ladies of the land were bowed to the ground. Visits +could not be paid: to dress was unnecessary. There was no crush-room; +and milliners, mantua-makers, perfumers, and jewellers were crushed. +Seventeen old sedan-chairs were the total that could be discovered +in London; and these, with the succedaneum suggested by the witty +Countess of ----, viz. mounting such of the porters' hall-chairs as +were susceptible of the improvement upon poles, in a similar manner, +constituted the whole migrations of the fashionable world. We will not +allude to the meetings baulked, and the assignations broken, through +this unfortunate state of things; and are only sorry to say it did not +add to the sum of domestic felicity. + +The Park--dismal was the Park! Exquisites, more helpless than ever, +tottered along its almost deserted walks. There was not one who, + + ----With left heel insidiously aside, + Provoked the caper he would seem to chide; + +nor was there a pretty woman to smile at him if he had. Could the race +have obtained asses, it would have been most unnatural to ride them; and +thus they vanished from the vision of society. + +Ascot was not particularly unhappy, though the King's cup was a cup of +dregs. But Bentinck and Crocky, Richmond and Gully, Exeter and Lamb, +Rutland and ----, Jersey and ----, Chesterfield and the rest of the legs, +got up an excellent two days' sport. Running in sacks afforded ample +opportunities for betting heavily; and wheelbarrow races, with the +barrow-drivers blindfolded or partially enlightened, were found quite as +good as anything which had been done before, and allowing quite as much +scope for the honourable strategies of the turf. An immense number of +useless horsecollars were brought to be grinned through; and the books +of literature and intelligence surpassed, if anything, those of other +times. + +At Epsom, the old and general patrons of that course having now the +ascendency, indulged in donkey races, at which the poor nobility gazed +with speechless regret. The last were truly the first, here. + +Among the instances of individual ruin, none was more unentertaining +than that of Mr. Ducrow. Reduced to a single zebra, he was obliged to +turn wanderer and mendicant; the stripes of Misfortune were vividly +impressed upon him. Circuses and amphitheatres ceased; and the dragon +was more than a match for the poor horseless St. George. What a symbol +of the decline of England, when even her patron saint must yield to a +Saurian reptile! + +Of all human beings affected by the calamity, deep as were the +afflictions of others, perhaps those who evinced the most sensitive and +overpowering feelings on the occasion, were the butchers' boys. As a +class, they evidently suffered beyond the rest. Betrayed, unsupported, +and wretched, they trudged under the heavy burthens of fate, as if +the world--as indeed in one sense it was--were out of joint for them. +The centaurs of antiquity were destroyed by a demigod; but the modern +centaurs had nothing to soothe their pride. They were hurled down, but +living and without a hope. Poor lads! every heart bled for them. + +There were another set of men, almost equally unfortunate, though they +endured it with greater equanimity,--the late royal horseguards, with +all their splendid caparisons, their tags and tassels, their sashes +and sabres, their spurs and epaulettes, their helms and feathers; the +officers, people of the first families in the country, the men, the +picked and chosen of the plebeian many. The high _élite_ and the low, +reduced alike by unsparing destiny to foot it with the humblest,--it +was a grievous blow; and, considering their Uniform conduct, most +undeserved. And it was accordingly felt that among the earliest evils +for which a remedy should be sought, was the remounting of those so +essential to the dignity of the throne and the safety of the realm. True +it was, that of the animals they once bestrode not a skin was left; but +donkeys were to be procured at excessive prices; and they were obtained +for this especial purpose. As yet, the manoeuvres of the Royal Ass +Guards are more amusing than seemly; but there is no doubt that with +time and discipline they will be, as before, the foremost corps in the +service. + +It were easy to enlarge upon similar topics to the end of this tome, +but they would only serve to illustrate that which, we trust, we have +illustrated enough. At Melton it was melancholy to see the gay hunter, +unable to risk his limbs and neck, reduced to stalking,--and stalking, +too, without a horse. Carts being _hors de combat_, the truck system +began to prevail in all quarters, and, bad as it was, what could not +be cured must be endured. Londonderry went into mourning on account of +having exported seventy asses to Canada by a vessel which sailed about a +month before, about the same period that the old bear at the Tower was +sent to America, together with the monkey which bit Ensign Seymour's +leg. Scotland suffered in the extreme, in spite of its excellent banking +business and assets, for there was scarcely an ass in the country, +except among some gipsies at Yetholm (vide Guy Mannering); and if, as +we are certain it is not, one in a thousand of our readers ever saw a +dead jackass anywhere, it will be agreed that not one in a million could +ever enjoy that spectacle on the north side of Tweed. But enough: the +kingdom was turned upside down,--old gentlemen without their hobbies, +young gentlemen without their exhibitions, sportsmen without their +sports, schoolboys in the holidays without their ponies, ladies without +their rides and knights,[70] coachmen without their hacks, waggoners +without their teams, barges without their draughts, the army without +cavalry, and a king and aristocracy without equipages,--the revolution +is complete. + +In picturing this appalling change, it is but proper to notice that +the agricultural interests have not been so severely dealt with. The +substitution of bullocks was effected without much difficulty in most +farms; and in others hand labour was happily introduced, which employed +the poor, and, upon the whole, rather ameliorated the condition of the +people. + +At first, and for a while, it appeared as if dogs, as well as asses, +would rise in value; but it was soon discovered that every dog would +have only a short day. Like honest creatures as they are, they pulled +and tugged at the cruel loads imposed upon them, till gradually their +strength departed from them, and they died away. Their supply of food +had failed, and the last of the knackers had followed the last of the +tails. Pigs were tried, but positively refused to train. They smelt +the wind, or what was in it; and, when out of breath, had no idea +of getting a new one. A few goats in babies' shays were honoured as +well-bearded and respectable-looking substitutes for the departed; and +the Principality published several triads on the auspicious circumstance. + +But there was a curious coincidence in London, which puzzled the British +Association, the Royal Society, and other learned bodies, and which +it is probable never can be satisfactorily accounted for. We refer to +the sudden and enormous rise in the price of German, Strasburg, and +Bologna sausages. Epping, like Epsom, might be involved in the national +difficulty; but how distant countries, Germany and Italy, could by +possibility be affected, was a mystery which the Geographical, and even +the Statistical Society, professed themselves incompetent to determine. + +From bad to worse has been the rapid declension of the empire since +the fatal day of the fatal catastrophe which is the subject of this +pitiable historical record. Competition, too faint for success, having +ceased, steam and smoke have everywhere usurped the once blooming +soil. From them, we are now a land of clouds,--murky clouds, to which +those of Aristophanes are but fanciful and brilliant exhalations. +Intersected by railroads, the iron age is restored, and the golden has +vanished for ever. The commonweal revolves on the axes of tramwheels and +trains; the reins of government are utterly relaxed; and the country, +saddled with taxes and burthens, can no longer afford its inhabitants +a single morsel. Engineers and speculators are bringing us to a dead +level everywhere; and a republic is the inevitable consequence. For +our parts, with the stomach of a horse, and loving beyond measure a +sound horse-laugh, emigration is our immediate purpose. By Strasburg +and Bologna will we wend our way, and endeavour to fathom the +sausage-wonder; and thence, if no better may be, we shall sail for the +Houyhnhnms' Land, (to the south of Lewin's and Nuyt's Land, and the west +of Maelsuyker's Isle), and, at all events, make our finale like Trojans, +by trusting to the horse! + +[70] _Quære_, rides and ties. + + + + + OUR SONG OF THE MONTH. + No. IV. April, 1837. + APRIL FOOLS. + + _Giojosamente! e con espressione burlesca._ + + [Music: April Fools] + + Now mer-ry Mo-mus rules + _A-pril fools! A-pril fools!_ + And with quirp and quil-let schools + _A-pril fools!_ + 'Tis the sea-son of the year, + When we hold it to be clear + That all, more or less, ap-pear + _A-pril fools! A-pril fools!_ + + Now, at every turn, we meet + _April fools! April fools!_ + In park, in square, and street, + _April fools!_ + Now "_pigeon's milk_" is sought, + "Useful knowledge" cheaply bought, + Pleasant lessons, too, are taught + _April fools! April fools!_ + + Now little boys are made + _April fools! April fools!_ + (By bigger boys betrayed,) + _April fools!_ + Now boys, the world calls "old," + Deceived by damsels bold, + Find out they are cajoled + _April fools! April fools!_ + + Now sportive nymphs beguile, + _April fools! April fools!_ + With gamesome trick and wile, + _April fools!_ + In vain the charming sex + Would their lovers' heart perplex, + They may cheat, but cannot vex + _April fools! April fools!_ + + Now Evans and his crew, + _April fools! April fools!_ + Find fighting will not do, + _April fools!_ + Now Sarsfield, Espartero, + And many a battered hero, + Place Spanish funds at zero, + _April fools! April fools!_ + + Now ministers are termed + _April fools! April fools!_ + And their titles are confirmed, + _April fools!_ + Now Whigs astute, kicked out, + Hear the deep derisive shout + Echo wide the land throughout, + _April fools! April fools!_ + + Now costermonger scribes-- + _April fools! April fools!_-- + Pen their dullest diatribes, + _April fools!_ + In Bentley's Magazine, + Alone, are to be seen + Wits, who scourge with satire keen + _April fools! April fools!_ + + Now readers, grave or gay, + _April fools! April fools!_ + We shall terminate our lay, + _April fools!_ + And we trust that you perceive, + We are laughing in our sleeve, + As these idle rhymes we weave, + _April fools! April fools!_ + + + + + OLIVER TWIST; + OR, THE PARISH BOY'S PROGRESS. + BY BOZ. + + ILLUSTRATED BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. + + + CHAPTER THE FIFTH. + + OLIVER MINGLES WITH NEW ASSOCIATES, AND, GOING TO A FUNERAL FOR THE + FIRST TIME, FORMS AN UNFAVOURABLE NOTION OF HIS MASTER'S BUSINESS. + +Oliver, being left to himself in the undertaker's shop, set the lamp +down on a workman's bench, and gazed timidly about him with a feeling +of awe and dread, which many people a good deal older than Oliver will +be at no loss to understand. An unfinished coffin on black tressels, +which stood in the middle of the shop, looked so gloomy and death-like, +that a cold tremble came over him every time his eyes wandered in +the direction of the dismal object, from which he almost expected to +see some frightful form slowly rear its head to drive him mad with +terror. Against the wall were ranged in regular array a long row of +elm boards cut into the same shape, and looking in the dim light like +high-shouldered ghosts with their hands in their breeches pockets. +Coffin-plates, elm-chips, bright-headed nails, and shreds of black +cloth, lay scattered on the floor; and the wall above the counter was +ornamented with a lively representation of two mutes in very stiff +neckcloths, on duty at a large private door, with a hearse drawn by four +black steeds approaching in the distance. The shop was close and hot, +and the atmosphere seemed tainted with the smell of coffins. The recess +beneath the counter in which his flock-mattress was thrust, looked like +a grave. + +Nor were these the only dismal feelings which depressed Oliver. +He was alone in a strange place; and we all know how chilled and +desolate the best of us will sometimes feel in such a situation. The +boy had no friends to care for, or to care for him. The regret of no +recent separation was fresh in his mind; the absence of no loved and +well-remembered face sunk heavily into his heart. But his heart _was_ +heavy, notwithstanding; and he wished, as he crept into his narrow +bed, that that were his coffin, and that he could be laid in a calm +and lasting sleep in the churchyard ground, with the tall grass waving +gently above his head, and the sound of the old deep bell to soothe him +in his sleep. + +Oliver was awakened in the morning by a loud kicking at the outside +of the shop-door, which, before he could huddle on his clothes, was +repeated in an angry and impetuous manner about twenty-five times; and, +when he began to undo the chain, the legs left off their volleys, and a +voice began. + + [Illustration: Oliver plucks up a spirit.] + +"Open the door, will yer?" cried the voice which belonged to the legs +which had kicked at the door. + +"I will directly, sir," replied Oliver, undoing the chain, and turning +the key. + +"I suppose yer the new boy, a'nt yer?" said the voice, through the +key-hole. + +"Yes, sir," replied Oliver. + +"How old are yer?" inquired the voice. + +"Eleven, sir," replied Oliver. + +"Then I'll whop yer when I get in," said the voice; "you just see if +I don't, that's all, my work'us brat!" and, having made this obliging +promise, the voice began to whistle. + +Oliver had been too often subjected to the process to which the very +expressive monosyllable just recorded bears reference, to entertain +the smallest doubt that the owner of the voice, whoever he might be, +would redeem his pledge most honourably. He drew back the bolts with a +trembling hand, and opened the door. + +For a second or two, Oliver glanced up the street, and down the street, +and over the way, impressed with the belief that the unknown, who had +addressed him through the key-hole, had walked a few paces off to warm +himself, for nobody did Oliver see but a big charity-boy sitting on the +post in front of the house, eating a slice of bread and butter, which +he cut into wedges the size of his mouth with a clasp-knife, and then +consumed with great dexterity. + +"I beg your pardon, sir," said Oliver, at length, seeing that no other +visitor made his appearance; "did you knock?" + +"I kicked," replied the charity-boy. + +"Did you want a coffin, sir?" inquired Oliver, innocently. + +At this the charity-boy looked monstrous fierce, and said that Oliver +would stand in need of one before long, if he cut jokes with his +superiors in that way. + +"Yer don't know who I am, I suppose, work'us?" said the charity-boy, +in continuation; descending from the top of the post, meanwhile, with +edifying gravity. + +"No, sir," rejoined Oliver. + +"I'm Mister Noah Claypole," said the charity-boy, "and you're under me. +Take down the shutters, yer idle young ruffian!" With this Mr. Claypole +administered a kick to Oliver, and entered the shop with a dignified +air, which did him great credit: it is difficult for a large-headed, +small-eyed youth, of lumbering make and heavy countenance, to look +dignified under any circumstances; but it is more especially so, when, +superadded to these personal attractions, are a red nose and yellow +smalls. + +Oliver having taken down the shutters, and broken a pane of glass in +his efforts to stagger away beneath the weight of the first one to a +small court at the side of the house in which they were kept during the +day, was graciously assisted by Noah, who, having consoled him with the +assurance that "he'd catch it," condescended to help him. Mr. Sowerberry +came down soon after, and, shortly afterwards, Mrs. Sowerberry appeared; +and Oliver having "caught it," in fulfilment of Noah's prediction, +followed that young gentleman down stairs to breakfast. + +"Come near the fire, Noah," said Charlotte. "I saved a nice little piece +of bacon for you from master's breakfast. Oliver, shut that door at +Mister Noah's back, and take them bits that I've put out on the cover of +the bread-pan. There's your tea; take it away to that box, and drink it +there, and make haste, for they'll want you to mind the shop. D'ye hear?" + +"D'ye hear, work'us?" said Noah Claypole. + +"Lor, Noah!" said Charlotte, "what a rum creature you are! Why don't you +let the boy alone?" + +"Let him alone!" said Noah. "Why everybody lets him alone enough, for +the matter of that. Neither his father nor mother will ever interfere +with him: all his relations let him have his own way pretty well. Eh, +Charlotte? He! he! he!" + +"Oh, you queer soul!" said Charlotte, bursting into a hearty laugh, in +which she was joined by Noah; after which they both looked scornfully +at poor Oliver Twist, as he sat shivering upon the box in the coldest +corner of the room, and ate the stale pieces which had been specially +reserved for him. + +Noah was a charity-boy, but not a workhouse orphan. No chance-child was +he, for he could trace his genealogy back all the way to his parents, +who lived hard by; his mother being a washerwoman, and his father a +drunken soldier, discharged with a wooden leg and a diurnal pension of +twopence-halfpenny and an unstateable fraction. The shop-boys in the +neighbourhood had long been in the habit of branding Noah in the public +streets with ignominious epithets of "leathers," "charity," and the +like; and Noah had borne them without reply. But now that fortune had +cast in his way a nameless orphan, at whom even the meanest could point +the finger of scorn, he retorted on him with interest. This affords +charming food for contemplation. It shows us what a beautiful thing +human nature is, and how impartially the same amiable qualities are +developed in the finest lord and the dirtiest charity-boy. + +Oliver had been sojourning at the undertaker's some three weeks or a +month, and Mr. and Mrs. Sowerberry, the shop being shut up, were taking +their supper in the little back-parlour, when Mr. Sowerberry, after +several deferential glances at his wife, said, + +"My dear--" He was going to say more; but, Mrs. Sowerberry looking up +with a peculiarly unpropitious aspect, he stopped short. + +"Well!" said Mrs. Sowerberry, sharply. + +"Nothing, my dear, nothing," said Mr. Sowerberry. + +"Ugh, you brute!" said Mrs. Sowerberry. + +"Not at all, my dear," said Mr. Sowerberry, humbly. "I thought you +didn't want to hear, my dear. I was only going to say----" + +"Oh, don't tell me what you were going to say," interposed Mrs. +Sowerberry. "I am nobody; don't consult me, pray. _I_ don't want to +intrude upon your secrets." And, as Mrs. Sowerberry said this, she gave +an hysterical laugh, which threatened violent consequences. + +"But, my dear," said Sowerberry, "I want to ask your advice." + +"No, no, don't ask mine," replied Mrs. Sowerberry, in an affecting +manner; "ask somebody else's." Here there was another hysterical laugh, +which frightened Mr. Sowerberry very much. This is a very common and +much-approved matrimonial course of treatment, which is often very +effective. It at once reduced Mr. Sowerberry to begging as a special +favour to be allowed to say what Mrs. Sowerberry was most curious to +hear, and, after a short altercation of less than three quarters of an +hour's duration, the permission was most graciously conceded. + +"It's only about young Twist, my dear," said Mr. Sowerberry. "A very +good-looking boy that, my dear." + +"He need be, for he eats enough," observed the lady. + +"There's an expression of melancholy in his face, my dear," resumed Mr. +Sowerberry, "which is very interesting. He would make a delightful mute, +my dear." + +Mrs. Sowerberry looked up with an expression of considerable wonderment. +Mr. Sowerberry remarked it, and, without allowing time for any +observation on the good lady's part, proceeded, + +"I don't mean a regular mute to attend grown-up people, my dear, but +only for children's practice. It would be very new to have a mute in +proportion, my dear. You may depend upon it that it would have a superb +effect." + +Mrs. Sowerberry, who had a good deal of taste in the undertaking way, +was much struck by the novelty of the idea; but, as it would have been +compromising her dignity to have said so under existing circumstances, +she merely inquired with much sharpness why such an obvious suggestion +had not presented itself to her husband's mind before. Mr. Sowerberry +rightly construed this as an acquiescence in his proposition: it was +speedily determined that Oliver should be at once initiated into the +mysteries of the profession, and, with this view, that he should +accompany his master on the very next occasion of his services being +required. + +The occasion was not long in coming; for, half an hour after breakfast +next morning, Mr. Bumble entered the shop, and supporting his cane +against the counter, drew forth his large leathern pocket-book, from +which he selected a small scrap of paper which he handed over to +Sowerberry. + +"Aha!" said the undertaker, glancing over it with a lively countenance; +"an order for a coffin, eh?" + +"For a coffin first, and a porochial funeral afterwards," replied Mr. +Bumble, fastening the strap of the leathern pocket-book, which, like +himself, was very corpulent. + +"Bayton," said the undertaker, looking from the scrap of paper to Mr. +Bumble; "I never heard the name before." + +Bumble shook his head as he replied, "Obstinate people, Mr. Sowerberry, +very obstinate; proud, too, I'm afraid, sir." + +"Proud, eh?" exclaimed Mr. Sowerberry with a sneer.--"Come, that's too +much." + +"Oh, it's sickening," replied the beadle; "perfectly antimonial, Mr. +Sowerberry." + +"So it is," acquiesced the undertaker. + +"We only heard of them the night before last," said the beadle; "and we +shouldn't have known anything about them then, only a woman who lodges +in the same house made an application to the porochial committee for +them to send the porochial surgeon to see a woman as was very bad. He +had gone out to dinner; but his 'prentice, which is a very clever lad, +sent 'em some medicine in a blacking-bottle, off-hand." + +"Ah, there's promptness," said the undertaker. + +"Promptness, indeed!" replied the beadle. "But what's the consequence; +what's the ungrateful behaviour of these rebels, sir? Why, the husband +sends back word that the medicine won't suit his wife's complaint, and +so she shan't take it--says she shan't take it, sir. Good, strong, +wholesome medicine, as was given with great success to two Irish +labourers and a coalheaver only a week before--sent 'em for nothing, +with a blacking-bottle in,--and he sends back word that she shan't take +it, sir." + +As the flagrant atrocity presented itself to Mr. Bumble's mind in full +force, he struck the counter sharply with his cane, and became flushed +with indignation. + +"Well," said the undertaker, "I ne--ver--did----" + +"Never did, sir!" ejaculated the beadle,--"no, nor nobody never did; +but, now she's dead, we've got to bury her, and that's the direction, +and the sooner it's done, the better." + +Thus saying, Mr. Bumble put on his cocked-hat wrong side first, in a +fever of parochial excitement, and flounced out of the shop. + +"Why, he was so angry, Oliver, that he forgot even to ask after you," +said Mr. Sowerberry, looking after the beadle as he strode down the +street. + +"Yes, sir," replied Oliver, who had carefully kept himself out of +sight during the interview, and who was shaking from head to foot at +the mere recollection of the sound of Mr. Bumble's voice. He needn't +have taken the trouble to shrink from Mr. Bumble's glance, however; +for that functionary on whom the prediction of the gentleman in the +white waistcoat had made a very strong impression, thought that now the +undertaker had got Oliver upon trial, the subject was better avoided, +until such time as he should be firmly bound for seven years, and all +danger of his being returned upon the hands of the parish should be thus +effectually and legally overcome. + +"Well," said Mr. Sowerberry, taking up his hat, "the sooner this job +is done, the better. Noah, look after the shop. Oliver, put on your +cap, and come with me." Oliver obeyed; and followed his master on his +professional mission. + +They walked on for some time through the most crowded and densely +inhabited part of the town, and then striking down a narrow street more +dirty and miserable than any they had yet passed through, paused to look +for the house which was the object of their search. The houses on either +side were high and large, but very old; and tenanted by people of the +poorest class, as their neglected appearance would have sufficiently +denoted without the concurrent testimony afforded by the squalid looks +of the few men and women who, with folded arms and bodies half doubled, +occasionally skulked like shadows along. A great many of the tenements +had shop-fronts; but they were fast closed, and mouldering away: only +the upper rooms being inhabited. Others, which had become insecure +from age and decay, were prevented from falling into the street by +huge beams of wood which were reared against the tottering walls, and +firmly planted in the road; but even these crazy dens seemed to have +been selected as the nightly haunts of some houseless wretches, for many +of the rough boards which supplied the place of door and window, were +wrenched from their positions to afford an aperture wide enough for the +passage of a human body. The kennel was stagnant and filthy; the very +rats that here and there lay putrefying in its rottenness, were hideous +with famine. + +There was neither knocker nor bell-handle at the open door where Oliver +and his master stopped; so, groping his way cautiously through the +dark passage, and bidding Oliver keep close to him and not be afraid, +the undertaker mounted to the top of the first flight of stairs, and, +stumbling against a door on the landing, rapped at it with his knuckles. + +It was opened by a young girl of thirteen or fourteen. The undertaker at +once saw enough of what the room contained, to know it was the apartment +to which he had been directed. He stepped in, and Oliver followed him. + +There was no fire in the room; but a man was crouching mechanically over +the empty stove. An old woman, too, had drawn a low stool to the cold +hearth, and was sitting beside him. There were some ragged children in +another corner; and in a small recess opposite the door there lay upon +the ground something covered with an old blanket. Oliver shuddered as +he cast his eyes towards the place, and crept involuntarily closer to +his master; for, though it was covered up, the boy _felt_ that it was a +corpse. + +The man's face was thin and very pale; his hair and beard were grizzly, +and his eyes were blood-shot. The old woman's face was wrinkled, her two +remaining teeth protruded over her under lip, and her eyes were bright +and piercing. Oliver was afraid to look at either her or the man,--they +seemed so like the rats he had seen outside. + +"Nobody shall go near her," said the man, starting fiercely up, as the +undertaker approached the recess. "Keep back! d--n you, keep back, if +you've a life to lose." + +"Nonsense! my good man," said the undertaker, who was pretty well used +to misery in all its shapes,--"nonsense!" + +"I tell you," said the man, clenching his hands, and stamping furiously +on the floor,--"I tell you I won't have her put into the ground. She +couldn't rest there. The worms would worry--not eat her,--she is so worn +away." + +The undertaker offered no reply to this raving, but producing a tape +from his pocket, knelt down for a moment by the side of the body. + +"Ah!" said the man, bursting into tears, and sinking on his knees at the +feet of the dead woman; "kneel down, kneel down--kneel round her every +one of you, and mark my words. I say she starved to death. I never knew +how bad she was, till the fever came upon her, and then her bones were +starting through the skin. There was neither fire nor candle; she died +in the dark--in the dark. She couldn't even see her children's faces, +though we heard her gasping out their names. I begged for her in the +streets, and they sent me to prison. When I came back, she was dying; +and all the blood in my heart has dried up, for they starved her to +death. I swear it before the God that saw it,--they starved her!"--He +twined his hands in his hair, and with a loud scream rolled grovelling +upon the floor, his eyes fixed, and the foam gushing from his lips. + +The terrified children cried bitterly; but the old woman, who had +hitherto remained as quiet as if she had been wholly deaf to all that +passed, menaced them into silence; and having unloosened the man's +cravat, who still remained extended on the ground, tottered towards the +undertaker. + +"She was my daughter," said the old woman, nodding her head in the +direction of the corpse, and speaking with an idiotic leer, more ghastly +than even the presence of death itself.--"Lord, Lord!--well, it is +strange that I who gave birth to her, and was a woman then, should be +alive and merry now, and she lying there, so cold and stiff! Lord, +Lord!--to think of it;--it's as good as a play--as good as a play!" + +As the wretched creature mumbled and chuckled in her hideous merriment, +the undertaker turned to go away. + +"Stop, stop!" said the old woman in a loud whisper. "Will she be buried +to-morrow--or next day--or to-night? I laid her out, and I must walk, +you know. Send me a large cloak--a good warm one, for it is bitter +cold. We should have cake and wine, too, before we go! Never mind: send +some bread--only a loaf of bread and a cup of water. Shall we have some +bread, dear?" she said eagerly, catching at the undertaker's coat, as he +once more moved towards the door. + +"Yes, yes," said the undertaker, "of course; anything, everything." He +disengaged himself from the old woman's grasp, and, dragging Oliver +after him, hurried away. + +The next day, (the family having been meanwhile relieved with a +half-quartern loaf and a piece of cheese, left with them by Mr. Bumble +himself,) Oliver and his master returned to the miserable abode, where +Mr. Bumble had already arrived, accompanied by four men from the +workhouse, who were to act as bearers. An old black cloak had been +thrown over the rags of the old woman and the man; the bare coffin +having been screwed down, was then hoisted on the shoulders of the +bearers, and carried down stairs into the street. + +"Now, you must put your best leg foremost, old lady," whispered +Sowerberry in the old woman's ear; "we are rather late, and it won't do +to keep the clergyman waiting. Move on, my men,--as quick as you like." + +Thus directed, the bearers trotted on, under their light burden, and the +two mourners kept as near them as they could. Mr. Bumble and Sowerberry +walked at a good smart pace in front; and Oliver, whose legs were not as +long as his master's, ran by the side. + +There was not so great a necessity for hurrying as Mr. Sowerberry had +anticipated, however; for when they reached the obscure corner of the +churchyard in which the nettles grew, and the parish graves were made, +the clergyman had not arrived, and the clerk, who was sitting by the +vestry-room fire, seemed to think it by no means improbable that it +might be an hour or so before he came. So they set the bier down on the +brink of the grave; and the two mourners waited patiently in the damp +clay with a cold rain drizzling down, while the ragged boys, whom the +spectacle had attracted into the churchyard, played a noisy game at +hide-and-seek among the tombstones, or varied their amusements jumping +backwards and forwards over the coffin. Mr. Sowerberry and Bumble, being +personal friends of the clerk, sat by the fire with him, and read the +paper. + +At length, after the lapse of something more than an hour, Mr. Bumble, +and Sowerberry, and the clerk, were seen running towards the grave; +and immediately afterwards the clergyman appeared, putting on his +surplice as he came along. Mr Bumble then threshed a boy or two, to +keep up appearances; and the reverend gentleman, having read as much of +the burial service as could be compressed into four minutes, gave his +surplice to the clerk, and ran away again. + +"Now, Bill," said Sowerberry to the grave-digger, "fill up." + +It was no very difficult task, for the grave was so full that the +uppermost coffin was within a few feet of the surface. The grave-digger +shovelled in the earth, stamped it loosely down with his feet, +shouldered his spade, and walked off, followed by the boys, who murmured +very loud complaints at the fun being over so soon. + +"Come, my good fellow," said Bumble, tapping the man on the back, "they +want to shut up the yard." + +The man, who had never once moved since he had taken his station by +the grave side, started, raised his head, stared at the person who had +addressed him, walked forward for a few paces, and then fell down in a +fit. The crazy old woman was too much occupied in bewailing the loss of +her cloak (which the undertaker had taken off) to pay him any attention; +so they threw a can of cold water over him, and when he came to, saw him +safely out of the churchyard, locked the gate, and departed on their +different ways. + +"Well, Oliver," said Sowerberry, as they walked home, "how do you like +it?" + +"Pretty well, thank you, sir," replied Oliver, with considerable +hesitation. "Not very much, sir." + +"Ah, you'll get used to it in time, Oliver," said Sowerberry. "Nothing +when you _are_ used to it, my boy." + +Oliver wondered in his own mind whether it had taken a very long time to +get Mr. Sowerberry used to it; but he thought it better not to ask the +question, and walked back to the shop, thinking over all he had seen and +heard. + + + CHAPTER THE SIXTH. + + OLIVER, BEING GOADED BY THE TAUNTS OF NOAH, ROUSES INTO ACTION, + AND RATHER ASTONISHES HIM. + +It was a nice sickly season just at this time. In commercial phrase, +coffins were looking up; and, in the course of a few weeks, Oliver had +acquired a great deal of experience. The success of Mr. Sowerberry's +ingenious speculation exceeded even his most sanguine hopes. The +oldest inhabitants recollected no period at which measles had been so +prevalent, or so fatal to infant existence; and many were the mournful +processions which little Oliver headed in a hat-band reaching down +to his knees, to the indescribable admiration and emotion of all the +mothers in the town. As Oliver accompanied his master in most of his +adult expeditions too, in order that he might acquire that equanimity of +demeanour and full command of nerve which are so essential to a finished +undertaker, he had many opportunities of observing the beautiful +resignation and fortitude with which some strong-minded people bear +their trial and losses. + +For instance, when Sowerberry had an order for the burial of some +rich old lady or gentleman, who was surrounded by a great number of +nephews and nieces, who had been perfectly inconsolable during the +previous illness, and whose grief had been wholly irrepressible even +on the most public occasions, they would be as happy among themselves +as need be--quite cheerful and contented, conversing together with as +much freedom and gaiety as if nothing whatever had happened to disturb +them. Husbands, too, bore the loss of their wives with the most heroic +calmness; and wives, again, put on weeds for their husbands, as if, so +far from grieving in the garb of sorrow, they had made up their minds +to render it as becoming and attractive as possible. It was observable, +too, that ladies and gentlemen who were in passions of anguish during +the ceremony of interment, recovered almost as soon as they reached +home, and became quite composed before the tea-drinking was over. All +this was very pleasant and improving to see; and Oliver beheld it with +great admiration. + +That Oliver Twist was moved to resignation by the example of these good +people, I cannot, although I am his biographer, undertake to affirm +with any degree of confidence; but I can most distinctly say, that +for some weeks he continued meekly to submit to the domination and +ill-treatment of Noah Claypole, who used him far worse than ever, now +that his jealousy was roused by seeing the new boy promoted to the black +stick and hat-band, while he, the old one, remained stationary in the +muffin-cap and leathers. Charlotte treated him badly because Noah did; +and Mrs. Sowerberry was his decided enemy because Mr. Sowerberry was +disposed to be his friend: so, between these three on one side, and a +glut of funerals on the other, Oliver was not altogether as comfortable +as the hungry pig was, when he was shut up by mistake in the grain +department of a brewery. + +And now I come to a very important passage in Oliver's history, for I +have to record an act, slight and unimportant perhaps in appearance, +but which indirectly produced a most material change in all his future +prospects and proceedings. + +One day Oliver and Noah had descended into the kitchen, at the usual +dinner-hour, to banquet upon a small joint of mutton--a pound and a +half of the worst end of the neck; when, Charlotte being called out of +the way, there ensued a brief interval of time, which Noah Claypole, +being hungry and vicious, considered he could not possibly devote to a +worthier purpose than aggravating and tantalising young Oliver Twist. + +Intent upon this innocent amusement, Noah put his feet on the +table-cloth, and pulled Oliver's hair, and twitched his ears, and +expressed his opinion that he was a "sneak," and furthermore announced +his intention of coming to see him hung whenever that desirable event +should take place, and entered upon various other topics of petty +annoyance, like a malicious and ill-conditioned charity-boy as he was. +But, none of these taunts producing the desired effect of making Oliver +cry, Noah attempted to be more facetious still, and in this attempt +did what many small wits, with far greater reputations than Noah +notwithstanding, do to this day when they want to be funny;--he got +rather personal. + +"Work'us," said Noah, "how's your mother?" + +"She's dead," replied Oliver; "don't you say anything about her to me!" + +Oliver's colour rose as he said this; he breathed quickly, and there was +a curious working of the mouth and nostrils, which Mr. Claypole thought +must be the immediate precursor of a violent fit of crying. Under this +impression he returned to the charge. + +"What did she die of, work'us?" said Noah. + +"Of a broken heart, some of our old nurses told me," replied Oliver, +more as if he were talking to himself than answering Noah. "I think I +know what it must be to die of that!" + +"Tol de rol lol lol, right fol lairy, work'us," said Noah, as a tear +rolled down Oliver's cheek. "What's set you a snivelling now?" + +"Not _you_," replied Oliver, hastily brushing the tear away. "Don't +think it." + +"Oh, not me, eh?" sneered Noah. + +"No, not you," replied Oliver, sharply. "There; that's enough. Don't say +anything more to me about her; you'd better not!" + +"Better not!" exclaimed Noah. "Well! better not! work'us; don't be +impudent. _Your_ mother, too! She was a nice 'un, she was. Oh, Lor!" +And here Noah nodded his head expressively, and curled up as much of +his small red nose as muscular action could collect together for the +occasion. + +"Yer know, work'us," continued Noah, emboldened by Oliver's silence, +and speaking in a jeering tone of affected pity--of all tones the most +annoying--"Yer know, work'us, it carn't be helped now, and of course yer +couldn't help it then, and I'm very sorry for it, and I'm sure we all +are, and pity yer very much. But yer must know, work'us, your mother was +a regular right-down bad 'un." + +"What did you say?" inquired Oliver, looking up very quickly. + +"A regular right-down bad 'un, work'us," replied Noah, coolly; "and it's +a great deal better, work'us, that she died when she did, or else she'd +have been hard labouring in Bridewell, or transported, or hung, which is +more likely than either, isn't it?" + +Crimson with fury, Oliver started up, overthrew chair and table, seized +Noah by the throat, shook him in the violence of his rage till his teeth +chattered in his head, and, collecting his whole force into one heavy +blow, felled him to the ground. + +A minute ago the boy had looked the quiet, mild, dejected creature that +harsh treatment had made him. But his spirit was roused at last; the +cruel insult to his dead mother had set his blood on fire. His breast +heaved, his attitude was erect, his eye bright and vivid, and his whole +person changed, as he stood glaring over the cowardly tormentor that lay +crouching at his feet, and defied him with an energy he had never known +before. + +"He'll murder me!" blubbered Noah. "Charlotte! missis! here's the new +boy a-murdering me! Help! help! Oliver's gone mad! Char--lotte!" + +Noah's shouts were responded to, by a loud scream from Charlotte, and a +louder from Mrs. Sowerberry; the former of whom rushed into the kitchen +by a side-door, while the latter paused on the staircase till she was +quite certain that it was consistent with the preservation of human life +to come further down. + +"Oh, you little wretch!" screamed Charlotte, seizing Oliver with her +utmost force, which was about equal to that of a moderately strong +man in particularly good training,--"Oh, you little un-grate-ful, +mur-de-rous, hor-rid villain!" and between every syllable Charlotte gave +Oliver a blow with all her might, and accompanied it with a scream for +the benefit of society. + +Charlotte's fist was by no means a light one; but, lest it should not be +effectual in calming Oliver's wrath, Mrs. Sowerberry plunged into the +kitchen, and assisted to hold him with one hand, while she scratched his +face with the other; and in this favourable position of affairs Noah +rose from the ground, and pummeled him from behind. + +This was rather too violent exercise to last long; so, when they +were all three wearied out, and could tear and beat no longer, they +dragged Oliver, struggling and shouting, but nothing daunted, into +the dust-cellar, and there locked him up; and this being done, Mrs. +Sowerberry sunk into a chair, and burst into tears. + +"Bless her, she's going off!" said Charlotte. "A glass of water, Noah, +dear. Make haste." + +"Oh, Charlotte," said Mrs. Sowerberry, speaking as well as she could +through a deficiency of breath and a sufficiency of cold water, which +Noah had poured over her head and shoulders,--"Oh, Charlotte, what a +mercy we have not been all murdered in our beds!" + +"Ah, mercy, indeed, ma'am," was the reply. "I only hope this'll teach +master not to have any more of these dreadful creatures that are born to +be murderers and robbers from their very cradle. Poor Noah! he was all +but killed, ma'am, when I came in." + +"Ah, poor fellow!" said Mrs. Sowerberry, looking piteously on the +charity-boy. + +Noah, whose top waistcoat-button might have been somewhere on a level +with the crown of Oliver's head, rubbed his eyes with the inside of his +wrists while this commiseration was bestowed upon him, and performed +some very audible tears and sniffs. + +"What's to be done!" exclaimed Mrs. Sowerberry. "Your master's not at +home--there's not a man in the house,--and he'll kick that door down in +ten minutes." Oliver's vigorous plunges against the bit of timber in +question rendered this occurrence highly probable. + +"Dear, dear! I don't know, ma'am," said Charlotte, "unless we send for +the police-officers." + +"Or the millingtary," suggested Mr. Claypole. + +"No, no," said Mrs. Sowerberry, bethinking herself of Oliver's old +friend; "run to Mr. Bumble, Noah, and tell him to come here directly, +and not to lose a minute; never mind your cap,--make haste. You can hold +a knife to that black eye as you run along, and it'll keep the swelling +down." + +Noah stopped to make no reply, but started off at his fullest speed; +and very much it astonished the people who were out walking, to see a +charity-boy tearing through the streets pell-mell, with no cap on his +head, and a clasp-knife at his eye. + + + + + A CONTRADICTION. + + Bent upon extra thousands netting, + Graspall's the oddest mortal living! + His only object seems _for-getting_-- + How strange he should not be _for-giving_! + H. II. + + + + + THE GRAND CHAM OF TARTARY, AND THE HUMBLE-BEE. + + _Abridged from the voluminous + Epic Poem by Beg-beg (formerly a mendicant + ballad-singer, afterwards Principal Lord Rector + of the University of Samarcand, and subsequently + Historiographer and Poet Laureate to the Court of + Balk,) by C. J. Davids, Esq._ + + I. + The great Tartar chief, on a festival day, + Gave a spread to his court, and resolv'd to be gay; + But, just in the midst of their music and glee, + The mirth was upset by a humble-bee-- + A humble-bee-- + They were bored by a rascally _humble-bee_! + + II. + This riotous bee was so wanting in sense + As to fly at the Cham with malice prepense: + Said his highness, "My fate will be _felo-de-se_, + If I'm thus to be teas'd by a humble-bee-- + A humble-bee-- + How _shall_ I get rid of the humble-bee!" + + III. + The troops in attendance, with sabre and spear, + Were order'd to harass the enemy's rear: + But the brave body-guards were forced to flee-- + They were all so afraid of the humble-bee-- + The humble-bee-- + The soldiers were scar'd by the humble-bee. + + IV. + The solicitor-general thought there was reason + For indicting the scamp on a charge of high-treason; + While the chancellor _doubted_ if any decree + From the woolsack would frighten the humble-bee-- + The humble-bee-- + So the lawyers fought shy of the humble-bee. + + V. + The Cham from his throne in an agony rose, + While the insect was buzzing right under his nose:-- + "Was ever a potentate plagued like me, + Or worried to death by a humble-bee! + A humble-bee-- + Don't let me be stung by the humble-bee!" + + VI. + He said to a page, nearly choking with grief, + "Bring hither my valiant commander-in-chief; + And say that I'll give him a liberal fee, + To cut the throat of this humble-bee-- + This humble-bee-- + This turbulent, Jacobin, humble-bee!" + + VII. + His generalissimo came at the summons, + And, cursing the courtiers for cowardly _rum-uns_, + "My liege," said he, "it's all fiddle-de-dee + To make such a fuss for a humble-bee-- + A humble-bee-- + I don't care a d--n for the humble-bee!" + + VIII. + The veteran rush'd sword in hand on the foe, + And cut him in two with a desperate blow. + His master exclaim'd, "I'm delighted to see + How neatly you've settled the humble-bee!" + The humble-bee-- + So there was an end of the humble-bee. + + IX. + By the doctor's advice (which was prudent and right) + His highness retired very early that night: + For they got him to bed soon after his tea, + And he dream'd all night of the humble-bee-- + The humble-bee-- + He saw the grim ghost of the humble-bee. + + MORAL. + Seditious disturbers, mind well what you're _arter_-- + Lest, humming a prince, you by chance catch a _Tartar_. + Consider, when planning an impudent spree, + You may get the same luck as the humble-bee-- + The humble-bee-- + Remember the doom of the humble-bee! + + + + + THE DUMB WAITER. + + I can not really understand, + (Said Henry to his aunt,) + Why a dumb waiter this is called,-- + Upon my word, I can't; + For I have heard you often say + It _answers_ very well. + Why, then, the waiter is called _dumb_, + I cannot think, or tell. + + Between you, boy, this difference know,-- + For once attention lending,-- + While without _speaking_ this _attends_, + You _speak_ without _attending_. + + + + + FAMILY STORIES.--No. III. + + GREY DOLPHIN. + BY THOMAS INGOLDSBY, ESQ. + +"He won't--won't he? Then bring me my boots!" said the Baron. + +Consternation was at its height in the castle of Shurland--a caitiff had +dared to disobey the Baron! and--the Baron had called for his boots! + +A thunderbolt in the great hall had been a _bagatelle_ to it. + +A few days before, a notable miracle had been wrought in the +neighbourhood; and in those times miracles were not so common as +they are now:--no Royal Balloons, no steam, no railroads,--while the +few Saints who took the trouble to walk with their heads under their +arms, or pull the Devil by the nose, scarcely appeared above once in a +century:--so it made the greater sensation. + +The clock had done striking twelve, and the Clerk of Chatham was +untrussing his points preparatory to seeking his truckle-bed: a +half-emptied tankard of mild ale stood at his elbow, the roasted +crab yet floating on its surface. Midnight had surprised the worthy +functionary while occupied in discussing it, and with the task yet +unaccomplished. He meditated a mighty draught: one hand was fumbling +with his tags, while the other was extended in the act of grasping the +jorum, when a knock on the portal, solemn and sonorous, arrested his +fingers. It was repeated thrice ere Emanuel Saddleton had presence of +mind sufficient to inquire who sought admittance at that untimeous hour. + +"Open! open! good Clerk of St. Bridget's," said a female voice, small, +yet distinct and sweet,--"an excellent thing in woman." + +The clerk arose, crossed to the doorway, and undid the latchet. + +On the threshold stood a lady of surpassing beauty: her robes were +rich, and large, and full; and a diadem, sparkling with gems that shed +a halo around, crowned her brow: she beckoned the clerk as he stood in +astonishment before her. + +"Emanuel!" said the lady; and her tones sounded like those of a silver +flute. "Emanuel Saddleton, truss up your points, and follow me!" + +The worthy clerk stared aghast at the vision; the purple robe, the +cymar, the coronet,--above all, the smile;--no, there was no mistaking +her; it was the blessed St. Bridget herself! + +And what could have brought the sainted lady out of her warm shrine at +such a time of night? and on such a night? for it was as dark as pitch, +and, metaphorically speaking, "rained cats and dogs." + +Emanuel could not speak, so he looked the question. + +"No matter for that," said the Saint, answering to his thought. "No +matter for that, Emanuel Saddleton; only follow me, and you'll see." + +The clerk turned a wistful eye at the corner-cupboard. + +"Oh, never mind the lantern, Emanuel; you'll not want it: but you may +bring a mattock and shovel." As she spoke, the beautiful apparition held +up her delicate hand. From the tip of each of her long taper fingers +issued a lambent flame of such surpassing brilliancy as would have +plunged a whole gas company into despair--it was a "Hand of Glory," +such a one as tradition tells us yet burns in Rochester Castle every +St. Mark's Eve. Many are the daring individuals who have watched in +Gundulph's Tower, hoping to find it, and the treasure it guards;--but +none of them ever did. + +"This way, Emanuel!" and a flame of peculiar radiance streamed from her +little finger as it pointed to the pathway leading to the churchyard. + +Saddleton shouldered his tools, and followed in silence. + +The cemetery of St. Bridget's was some half-mile distant from the +clerk's domicile, and adjoined a chapel dedicated to that illustrious +lady, who, after leading but a so-so life, had died in the odour of +sanctity. Emanuel Saddleton was fat and scant of breath, the mattock was +heavy, and the saint walked too fast for him: he paused to take second +wind at the end of the first furlong. + +"Emanuel," said the holy lady good-humouredly, for she heard him +puffing; "rest a while, Emanuel, and I'll tell you what I want with you." + +Her auditor wiped his brow with the back of his hand, and looked all +attention and obedience. + +"Emanuel," continued she, "what did you and Father Fothergill, and the +rest of you, mean yesterday by burying that drowned man so close to me? +He died in mortal sin, Emanuel; no shrift, no unction, no absolution: +why, he might as well have been excommunicated. He plagues me with his +grinning, and I can't have any peace in my shrine. You must howk him up +again, Emanuel!" + +"To be sure, madam,--my lady,--that is, your holiness," stammered +Saddleton, trembling at the thought of the task assigned him. "To he +sure, your ladyship; only--that is--" + +"Emanuel," said the Saint, "you'll do my bidding; or it would be better +you had!" and her eye changed from a dove's eye to that of a hawk, and +a flash came from it as bright as the one from her little finger. The +Clerk shook in his shoes, and, again dashing the cold perspiration from +his brow, followed the footsteps of his mysterious guide. + + * * * * * + +The next morning all Chatham was in an uproar. The Clerk of St. +Bridget's had found himself at home at daybreak, seated in his own +arm-chair, the fire out, and--the tankard of ale quite exhausted. +Who had drunk it? Where had he been? How had he got home?--all was a +mystery: he remembered "a mass of things, but nothing distinctly;" all +was fog and fantasy. What he could clearly recollect was, that he had +dug up the grinning sailor, and that the Saint had helped to throw him +into the river again. All was thenceforth wonderment and devotion. +Masses were sung, tapers were kindled, bells were tolled; the monks +of St. Romuald had a solemn procession, the abbot at their head, the +sacristan at their tail, and the holy breeches of St. Thomas-à-Becket +in the centre; Father Fothergill brewed a XXX puncheon of holy-water. +The Rood of Gillingham was deserted; the chapel of Rainham forsaken; +every one who had a soul to be saved flocked with his offering to St. +Bridget's shrine, and Emanuel Saddleton gathered more fees from the +promiscuous piety of that one week than he had pocketed during the +twelve preceding months. + +Meanwhile the corpse of the ejected reprobate oscillated like a pendulum +between Sheerness and Gillingham Reach. Now borne by the Medway into the +Western Swale, now carried by the refluent tide back to the vicinity +of its old quarters, it seemed as though the River god and Neptune +were amusing themselves with a game of subaqueous battledore, and had +chosen this unfortunate carcass as a marine shuttlecock. For some time +the alternation was kept up with great spirit, till Boreas, interfering +in the shape of a stiffish "Nor'-wester," drifted the bone (and flesh) +of contention ashore on the Shurland domain, where it lay in all the +majesty of mud. It was soon discovered by the retainers, and dragged +from its oozy bed, grinning worse than ever. Tidings of the god-send +were of course carried instantly to the castle, for the Baron was a very +great man; and if a dun crow had flown across his property unannounced +by the warder, the Baron would have kicked him, the said warder, from +the topmost battlement into the bottommost ditch,--a descent of peril, +and one which "Ludwig the leaper," or the illustrious Trenk himself, +might well have shrunk from encountering. + +"An't please your lordship--" said Peter Periwinkle. + +"No, villain! it does not please me!" roared the Baron. + +His lordship was deeply engaged with a peck of Feversham oysters,--he +doted on shellfish, hated interruption at meals, and had not yet +despatched more than twenty dozen of the "natives." + +"There's a body, my lord, washed ashore in the lower creek," said the +seneschal. + +The Baron was going to throw the shells at his head; but paused in the +act, and said with much dignity, + +"Turn out the fellow's pockets!" + +But the defunct had before been subjected to the double scrutiny of +Father Fothergill and the Clerk of St. Bridget's. It was ill gleaning +after such hands; there was not a single marvedi. + +We have already said that Sir Ralph de Shurland, Lord of the Isle +of Sheppey, and of many a fair manor on the main-land, was a man of +worship. He had rights of freewarren, saccage and sockage, cuisage and +jambage, fosse and fork, infang theofe and outfang theofe; and all waifs +and strays belonged to him in fee simple. + +"Turn out his pockets!" said the Knight. + +"Please you, my lord, I must say as how they was turned out afore, and +the devil a rap's left." + +"Then bury the blackguard!" + +"Please your lordship, he has been buried once." + +"Then bury him again, and be----!" The Baron bestowed a benediction. + +The seneschal bowed low as he left the room, and the Baron went on with +his oysters. + +Scarce ten dozen more had vanished when Periwinkle reappeared. + +"An't please you, my lord, Father Fothergill says as how that it's the +Grinning Sailor, and he won't bury him anyhow." + +"Oh! he won't--won't he?" said the Baron. Can it be wondered at that he +called for his boots? + +Sir Ralph de Shurland, Lord of Shurland and Minster, Baron of Sheppey +_in comitatu_ Kent, was, as has been before hinted, a very great man. +He was also a very little man; that is, he was relatively great and +relatively little,--or physically little and metaphorically great,--like +Sir Sidney Smith and the late Mr. Bonaparte. To the frame of a dwarf he +united the soul of a giant and the valour of a gamecock. Then, for so +small a man, his strength was prodigious; his fist would fell an ox, and +his kick--oh! his kick was tremendous, and, when he had his boots on, +would,--to use an expression of his own, which he had picked up in the +holy wars,--would send a man from Jericho to June. He was bull-necked +and bandy-legged; his chest was broad and deep, his head large, and +uncommonly thick, his eyes a little blood-shot, and his nose _retrousé_ +with a remarkably red tip. Strictly speaking, the Baron could not be +called handsome; but his _tout ensemble_ was singularly impressive: and +when he called for his boots, everybody trembled, and dreaded the worst. + +"Periwinkle," said the Baron, as he encased his better leg, "let the +grave be twenty feet deep!" + +"Your lordship's command is law." + +"And, Periwinkle,"--Sir Ralph stamped his left heel into its +receptacle,--"and, Periwinkle, see that it be wide enough to hold not +exceeding two!" + +"Ye--ye--yes, my lord." + +"And, Periwinkle,--tell Father Fothergill I would fain speak with his +reverence." + +"Ye--ye--yes, my lord." + +The Baron's beard was picked, and his moustaches, stiff and stumpy, +projected horizontally like those of a Tom-cat; he twirled the one, +stroked the other, drew the buckle of his surcingle a thought tighter, +and strode down the great staircase three steps at a stride. + +The vassals were assembled in the great hall of Shurland Castle; every +cheek was pale, every tongue was mute, expectation and perplexity were +visible on every brow. What would his lordship do? Were the recusant +anybody else, gyves to the heels and hemp to the throat were but too +good for him: but it was Father Fothergill who had said "I won't;" and, +though the Baron was a very great man, the Pope was a greater, and the +Pope was Father Fothergill's great friend--some people said he was his +uncle. + +Father Fothergill was busy in the refectory trying conclusions with a +venison pasty, when he received the summons of his patron to attend him +in the chapel cemetery. Of course he lost no time in obeying it, for +obedience was the general rule in Shurland Castle. If anybody ever said +"I won't," it was the exception; and, like all other exceptions, only +proved the rule the stronger. The Father was a friar of the Augustine +persuasion; a brotherhood which, having been planted in Kent some few +centuries earlier, had taken very kindly to the soil, and overspread +the county much as hops did some few centuries later. He was plump and +portly, a little thick-winded, especially after dinner, stood five +feet four in his sandals, and weighed hard upon eighteen stone. He was +moreover a personage of singular piety; and the iron girdle, which, he +said, he wore under his cassock to mortify withal, might have been well +mistaken for the tire of a cart-wheel. When he arrived, Sir Ralph was +pacing up and down by the side of a newly-opened grave. + +"_Benedicite!_ fair son,"--(the Baron was as brown as a cigar,) +--"_Benedicite!_" said the chaplain. + +The Baron was too angry to stand upon compliment.--"Bury me that +grinning caitiff there!" quoth he, pointing to the defunct. + +"It may not be, fair son," said the Friar; "he hath perished without +absolution." + +"Bury the body!" roared Sir Ralph. + +"Water and earth alike reject him," returned the chaplain; "holy St. +Bridget herself----" + +"Bridget me no Bridgets! do me thine office quickly, Sir Shaveling; +or, by the piper that played before Moses!----" The oath was a fearful +one; and whenever the Baron swore to do mischief, he was never known +to perjure himself. He was playing with the hilt of his sword.--"Do me +thine office, I say. Give him his passport to heaven!" + +"He is already gone to hell!" stammered the friar. + +"Then do you go after him!" thundered the Lord of Shurland. + +His sword half leaped from its scabbard. No!--the trenchant blade that +had cut Suleiman Ben Malek Ben Buckskin from helmet to chine disdained +to daub itself with the cerebellum of a miserable monk: it leaped back +again; and as the chaplain, scared at its flash, turned him in terror, +the Baron gave him a kick!--one kick!--it was but one!--but such a one! +Despite its obesity, up flew his holy body in an angle of forty-five +degrees; then, having reached its highest point of elevation, sunk +headlong into the open grave that yawned to receive it. If the reverend +gentleman had possessed a neck, he had infallibly broken it; as he did +not, he only dislocated his vertebræ,--but that did quite as well. He +was as dead as ditch-water. + +"In with the other rascal!" said the Baron, and he was obeyed; for +there he stood in his boots. Mattock and shovel made short work of it; +twenty feet of superincumbent mould pressed down alike the saint and the +sinner. "Now sing a requiem who list!" said the Baron, and his lordship +went back to his oysters. + +The vassals at Castle Shurland were astounded, or, as the seneschal Hugh +better expressed it, "perfectly conglomerated," by this event. What! +murder a monk in the odour of sanctity,--and on consecrated ground too! +They trembled for the health of the Baron's soul. To the unsophisticated +many it seemed that matters could not have been much worse had he shot +a bishop's coach-horse;--all looked for some signal judgment. The +melancholy catastrophe of their neighbours at Canterbury was yet rife +in their memories: not two centuries had elapsed since those miserable +sinners had cut off the tail of St. Thomas's mule. The tail of the mule, +it was well known, had been forthwith affixed to that of the mayor; and +rumour said it had since been hereditary in the corporation. The least +that could be expected was, that Sir Ralph should have a friar tacked +on to his for the term of his natural life! Some bolder spirits there +were, 'tis true, who viewed the matter in various lights, according to +their different temperaments and dispositions; for perfect unanimity +existed not even in the good old times. The verderer, roistering Hob +Roebuck, swore roundly, "'Twere as good a deed as eat to kick down the +chapel as well as the monk."--Hob had stood there in a white sheet for +kissing Giles Miller's daughter.--On the other hand, Simpkin Agnew, +the bell-ringer, doubted if the devil's cellar, which runs under the +bottomless abyss, were quite deep enough for the delinquent, and +speculated on the probability of a hole being dug in it for his especial +accommodation. The philosophers and economists thought with Saunders +M'Bullock, the Baron's bagpiper, that "a feckless monk more or less +was nae great subject for a clamjamphry," especially as "the supply +considerably exceeded the demand;" while Malthouse, the tapster, was +arguing to Dame Martin that a murder now and then was a seasonable +check to population, without which the Isle of Sheppey would in time be +devoured, like a mouldy cheese, by inhabitants of its own producing. +Meanwhile, the Baron ate his oysters, and thought no more of the matter. + +But this tranquillity of his lordship was not to last. A couple of +Saints had been seriously offended; and we have all of us read at school +that celestial minds are by no means insensible to the provocations of +anger. There were those who expected that St. Bridget would come in +person, and have the friar up again as she did the sailor; but perhaps +her ladyship did not care to trust herself within the walls of Shurland +Castle. To say the truth, it was scarcely a decent house for a female +Saint to be seen in. The Baron's gallantries, since he became a widower, +had been but too notorious; and her own reputation was a little blown +upon in the earlier days of her earthly pilgrimage: then things were so +apt to be misrepresented: in short, she would leave the whole affair +to St. Austin, who, being a gentleman, could interfere with propriety, +avenge her affront as well as his own, and leave no loop-hole for +scandal. St. Austin himself seems to have had his scruples, though +of their precise nature it were difficult to determine, for it were +idle to suppose him at all afraid of the Baron's boots. Be this as it +may, the mode which he adopted was at once prudent and efficacious. As +an ecclesiastic, he could not well call the Baron out, had his boots +been out of the question; so he resolved to have recourse to the law. +Instead of Shurland Castle, therefore, he repaired forthwith to his own +magnificent monastery, situate just without the walls of Canterbury, +and presented himself in a vision to its abbot. No one who has ever +visited that ancient city can fail to recollect the splendid gateway +which terminates the vista of St. Paul's street, and stands there yet +in all its pristine beauty. The tiny train of miniature artillery which +now adorns its battlements is, it is true, an ornament of a later date; +and is said to have been added some centuries after by some learned +but jealous proprietor, for the purpose of shooting any wiser man than +himself who might chance to come that way. Tradition is silent as to any +discharge having taken place, nor can the oldest inhabitant of modern +days recollect any such occurrence. Here it was, in a handsome chamber, +immediately over the lofty archway, that the superior of the monastery +lay buried in a brief slumber snatched from his accustomed vigils. His +mitre--for he was a mitred abbot, and had a seat in parliament--rested +on a table beside him; near it stood a silver flagon of Gascony wine, +ready, no doubt, for the pious uses of the morrow. Fasting and watching +had made him more than usually somnolent, than which nothing could +have been better for the purpose of the Saint, who now appeared to him +radiant in all the colours of the rainbow. + +"Anselm!"--said the beatific vision,--"Anselm! are you not a pretty +fellow to lie snoring there, when your brethren are being knocked at +head, and Mother Church herself is menaced! It is a sin and a shame, +Anselm!" + +"What's the matter?--Who are you?" cried the Abbot, rubbing his eyes, +which the celestial splendour of his visiter had set a-winking. "Ave +Maria! St. Austin himself!--Speak, _Beatissime_! what would you with the +humblest of your votaries?" + +"Anselm!" said the Saint, "a brother of our order, whose soul Heaven +assoilzie! hath been foully murdered. He hath been ignominiously kicked +to the death, Anselm; and there he lieth cheek-by-jowl with a wretched +carcass, which our sister Bridget has turned out of her cemetery for +unseemly grinning. Arouse thee, Anselm!" + +"Ay, so please you, _Sanctissime_!" said the Abbot: "I will order +forthwith that thirty masses be said, thirty _Paters_, and thirty +_Aves_." + +"Thirty fools' heads!" interrupted his patron, who was a little peppery. + +"I will send for bell, book, and candle." + +"Send for an inkhorn, Anselm. Write me now a letter to his Holiness the +Pope in good round terms, and another to the coroner, and another to +the sheriff and seize me the never-enough-to-be-anathematised villain +who hath done this deed! Hang him as high as Haman, Anselm!--up with +him!--down with his dwelling-place, root and branch, hearth-stone and +roof-tree,--down with it all, and sow the site with salt and sawdust!" + +St. Austin, it will be perceived, was a radical reformer. + +"Marry will I," quoth the Abbot, warming with the Saint's eloquence; +"ay, marry will I, and that _instanter_. But there is one thing you have +forgotten, most Beatified--the name of the culprit." + +"Ralph de Shurland." + +"The Lord of Sheppey! Bless me!" said the Abbot, crossing himself, +"won't that be rather inconvenient? Sir Ralph is a bold baron and a +powerful; blows will come and go, and crowns will be cracked, and----" + +"What is that to you, since yours will not be of the number?" + +"Very true, _Beatissime_! I will don me with speed, and do your bidding." + +"Do so, Anselm!--fail not to hang the baron, burn his castle, confiscate +his estate, and buy me two large wax-candles for my own particular +shrine out of your share of the property." + +With this solemn injunction the vision began to fade. + +"One thing more!" cried the Abbot, grasping his rosary. + +"What is that?" asked the Saint. + +"_O Beate Augustine, ora pro nobis!_" + +"Of course I shall," said St. Austin. "_Pax vobiscum!_"--and Abbot +Anselm was left alone. + +Within an hour all Canterbury was in commotion. A friar had been +murdered,--two friars--ten--twenty; a whole convent had been +assaulted,--sacked,--burnt,--all the monks had been killed, and all +the nuns had been kissed! Murder!--fire!--sacrilege! Never was city in +such an uproar. From St. George's gate to St. Dunstan's suburb, from +the Donjon to the borough of Staplegate, all was noise and hubbub. +"Where was it?"--"When was it?"--"How was it?" The Mayor caught up his +chain, the Aldermen donned their furred gowns, the Town-clerk put on his +spectacles. "Who was he?"--"What was he?"--"Where was he?"--he should +be hanged,--he should be burned,--he should be broiled,--he should be +fried,--he should be scraped to death with red-hot oyster-shells! "Who +was he?"--"What was his name?" + +The abbot's Apparitor drew forth his roll and read aloud: "Sir Ralph de +Shurland, Knight banneret, Baron of Shurland and Minster, and Lord of +Sheppey." + +The Mayor put his chain in his pocket, the Aldermen took off their +gowns, the Town-clerk put his pen behind his ear,--It was a county +business altogether: the Sheriff had better call out the _posse +comitatus_. + +While saints and sinners were thus leaguing against him, the Baron de +Shurland was quietly eating his breakfast. He had passed a tranquil +night, undisturbed by dreams of cowl or capuchin; nor was his appetite +more affected than his conscience. On the contrary, he sat rather +longer over his meal than usual; luncheon-time came, and he was ready +as ever for his oysters; but scarcely had Dame Martin opened his first +half-dozen when the warder's horn was heard from the barbican. + +"Who the devil's that?" said Sir Ralph. "I'm not at home, Periwinkle. I +hate to be disturbed at meals, and I won't be at home to anybody." + +"An't please your lordship," answered the seneschal, "Paul Prior hath +given notice that there is a body----" + +"Another body!" roared the Baron. "Am I to be everlastingly plagued with +bodies? No time allowed me to swallow a morsel. Throw it into the moat!" + +"So please you, my lord, it is a body of horse,--and--and Paul says +there is a still larger body of foot behind it; and he thinks, my +lord,--that is, he does not know, but he thinks--and we all think, my +lord, that they are coming to--to besiege the castle!" + +"Besiege the castle! Who? What? What for?" + +"Paul says, my lord, that he can see the banner of St. Austin, and the +bleeding heart of Hamo de Crevecoeur, the abbot's chief vassal; and +there is John de Northwood, the sheriff, with his red-cross engrailed; +and Hever, and Leybourne, and Heaven knows how many more; and they are +all coming on as fast as ever they can." + +"Periwinkle," said the Baron, "up with the drawbridge; down with the +portcullis; bring me a cup of canary, and my night-cap. I won't be +bothered with them. I shall go to bed." + +"To bed, my lord!" cried Periwinkle, with a look that seemed to say, +"He's crazy." + +At this moment the shrill tones of a trumpet were heard to sound thrice +from the champaign. It was the signal for parley: the Baron changed his +mind; instead of going to bed, he went to the ramparts. + +"Well, rapscallions! and what now?" said the Baron. + +A herald, two pursuivants, and a trumpeter, occupied the foreground of +the scene; behind them, some three hundred paces off, upon a rising +ground, was drawn up in battle-array the main body of the ecclesiastical +forces. + +"Hear you, Ralph de Shurland, Knight, Baron of Shurland and Minster, and +Lord of Sheppey, and know all men, by these presents, that I do hereby +attach you, the said Ralph, of murder and sacrilege, now, or of late, +done and committed by you, the said Ralph, contrary to the peace of our +Sovereign Lord the King, his crown and dignity: and I do hereby require +and charge you, the said Ralph, to forthwith surrender and give up your +own proper person, together with the castle of Shurland aforesaid, in +order that the same may be duly dealt with according to law. And here +standeth John de Northwood, Esquire, good man and true, sheriff of this +his majesty's most loyal county of Kent, to enforce the same, if need +be, with his _posse comitatus_." + +"His what?" said the Baron. + +"His _posse comitatus_, and----" + +"Go to Bath!" said the Baron. + +A defiance so contemptuous roused the ire of the adverse commanders. +A volley of missiles rattled about the Baron's ears. Night-caps avail +little against contusions. He left the walls, and returned to the great +hall. + +"Let them pelt away," quoth the Baron; "there are no windows to break, +and they can't get in." So he took his afternoon nap, and the siege went +on. + +Towards evening his lordship awoke, and grew tired of the din. Guy +Pearson, too, had got a black eye from a brick-bat, and the assailants +were clambering over the outer wall. So the Baron called for his Sunday +hauberk of Milan steel, and his great two-handed sword with the terrible +name:--it was the fashion in feudal times to give names to swords; King +Arthur's was christened Excalibar; the Baron called his Tickletoby, and +whenever he took it in hand it was no joke. + +"Up with the portcullis! down with the bridge!" said Sir Ralph; and out +he sallied, followed by the _élite_ of his retainers. Then there was +a pretty to-do. Heads flew one way--arms and legs another; round went +Tickletoby, and, wherever it alighted, down came horse and man: the +Baron excelled himself that day. All that he had done in Palestine faded +in the comparison; he had fought for fun there, but now it was for life +and lands. Away went John de Northwood; away went William of Hever, and +Roger of Leybourne. Hamo de Crevecoeur, with the church vassals and +the banner of St. Austin, had been gone some time. The siege was raised, +and the Lord of Sheppey left alone in his glory. + +But, brave as the Baron undoubtedly was, and total as had been the +defeat of his enemies, it cannot be supposed that _La Stoccata_ would +be allowed to carry it away thus. It has before been hinted that Abbot +Anselm had written to the Pope, and Boniface the Eighth piqued himself +on his punctuality as a correspondent in all matters connected with +church discipline. He sent back an answer by return of post; and by it +all Christian people were strictly enjoined to aid in exterminating the +offender, on pain of the greater excommunication in this world, and a +million of years of purgatory in the next. But then, again, Boniface the +Eighth was rather at a discount in England just then. He had affronted +Longshanks, as the loyal lieges had nicknamed their monarch; and +Longshanks had been rather sharp upon the clergy in consequence. If the +Baron de Shurland could but get the King's pardon for what in his cooler +moments he admitted to be a peccadillo, he might sniff at the Pope, and +bid him "do his devilmost." + +Fortune, who, as the poet says, delights to favour the bold, stood his +friend on this occasion. Edward had been, for some time, collecting a +large force on the coast of Kent, to carry on his French wars for the +recovery of Guienne; he was expected shortly to review it in person; +but, then, the troops lay principally in cantonments about the mouth of +the Thames, and his majesty was to come down by water. What was to be +done?--the royal barge was in sight, and John de Northwood and Hamo de +Crevecoeur had broken up all the boats to boil their camp-kettles. A +truly great mind is never without resources. + +"Bring me my boots!" said the Baron. + +They brought him his boots, and his dapple-grey steed along with them. +Such a courser! all blood and bone, short-backed, broad-chested, and, +but that he was a little ewe-necked, faultless in form and figure. The +Baron sprang upon his back, and dashed at once into the river. + +The barge which carried Edward Longshanks and his fortunes had by this +time nearly reached the Nore; the stream was broad and the current +strong, but Sir Ralph and his steed were almost as broad, and stronger. +After breasting the tide gallantly for a couple of miles, the Knight was +near enough to hail the steersman. + +"What have we got here?" said the king. "It's a mermaid," said one. +"It's a grampus," said another. "It's the devil," said a third. But they +were all wrong; it was only Ralph de Shurland. "Grammercy," quoth the +king, "that fellow was never born to be drowned!" + +It has been said before that the Baron had fought in the holy wars; in +fact, he had accompanied Longshanks, when only heir-apparent, in his +expedition twenty-five years before, although his name is unaccountably +omitted by Sir Harris Nicolas in his list of crusaders. He had been +present at Acre when Amirand of Joppa stabbed the prince with a +poisoned dagger, and had lent Princess Eleanor his own toothbrush after +she had sucked out the venom from the wound. He had slain certain +Saracens, contented himself with his own plunder, and never dunned the +commissariat for arrears of pay. Of course he ranked high in Edward's +good graces, and had received the honour of knighthood at his hands on +the field of battle. + +In one so circumstanced it cannot be supposed that such a trifle as the +killing a frowzy friar would be much resented, even had he not taken +so bold a measure to obtain his pardon. His petition was granted, of +course, as soon as asked; and so it would have been had the indictment +drawn up by the Canterbury town-clerk, viz. "That he, the said Ralph de +Shurland, &c. had then and there, with several, to wit, one thousand, +pair of boots, given sundry, to wit, two thousand, kicks, and therewith +and thereby killed divers, to wit, ten thousand, Austin friars," been +true to the letter. + +Thrice did the gallant Grey circumnavigate the barge, while Robert +de Winchelsey, the chancellor, and archbishop to boot, was making +out, albeit with great reluctance, the royal pardon. The interval was +sufficiently long to enable his majesty, who, gracious as he was, had +always an eye to business, just to hint that the gratitude he felt +towards the Baron was not unmixed with a lively sense of services to +come; and that, if life was now spared him, common decency must oblige +him to make himself useful. Before the archbishop, who had scalded his +fingers with the wax in affixing the great seal, had time to take them +out of his mouth, all was settled, and the Baron de Shurland, _cum +suis_, had pledged himself to be forthwith in readiness to accompany his +liege lord to Guienne. + +With the royal pardon secured in his vest, boldly did his lordship turn +again to the shore; and as boldly did his courser oppose his breadth of +chest to the stream. It was a work of no common difficulty or danger; a +steed of less "mettle and bone" had long since sunk in the effort: as it +was, the Baron's boots were full of water, and Grey Dolphin's chamfrain +more than once dipped beneath the wave. The convulsive snorts of the +noble animal showed his distress; each instant they became more loud +and frequent; when his hoof touched the strand, and "the horse and his +rider" stood again in safety on the shore. + +Rapidly dismounting, the Baron was loosening the girths of his +demi-pique, to give the panting animal breath, when he was aware of as +ugly an old woman as he ever clapped eyes upon, peeping at him under the +horse's belly. + +"Make much of your steed, Ralph Shurland! Make much of your steed!" +cried the hag, shaking at him her long and bony finger. "Groom to the +hide, and corn to the manger. He has saved your life, Ralph Shurland, +for the nonce; but he shall yet be the means of your losing it, for all +that!" + +The Baron started: "What's that you say, you old faggot?" He ran round +by his horse's tail; the women was gone! + +The Baron paused; his great soul was not to be shaken by trifles; he +looked around him, and solemnly ejaculated the word "Humbug!" then, +slinging the bridle across his arm, walked slowly on in the direction of +the castle. + +The appearance, and still more, the disappearance of the crone, +had however made an impression; every step he took he became more +thoughtful. "'Twould be deuced provoking though, if he _should_ break my +neck after all!" He turned, and gazed at Dolphin with the scrutinizing +eye of a veterinary surgeon.--"I'll be shot if he is not groggy!" said +the Baron. + +With his lordship, like another great Commander, "Once to be in doubt, +was once to be resolved:" it would never do to go to the wars on a +rickety prad. He dropped the rein, drew forth Tickletoby, and, as the +enfranchised Dolphin, good easy horse, stretched out his ewe-neck to the +herbage, struck off his head at a single blow. "There, you lying old +beldame!" said the Baron; "now take him away to the knackers." + + * * * * * + +Three years were come and gone. King Edward's French wars were over; +both parties, having fought till they came to a stand-still, shook +hands; and the quarrel, as usual, was patched up by a royal marriage. +This happy event gave his majesty leisure to turn his attention to +Scotland, where things, through the intervention of William Wallace, +were looking rather queerish. As his reconciliation with Philip now +allowed of his fighting the Scotch in peace and quietness, the monarch +lost no time in marching his long legs across the border, and the short +ones of the Baron followed him of course. At Falkirk, Tickletoby was in +great request; and, in the year following, we find a contemporary poet +hinting at its master's prowess under the walls of Caerlaverock, + + Obec eus fu achiminez + Li beau Rafe de Shurlande + Ki kant seoit sur le cheval + Ne sembloit home le someille. + +A quatrain which Mr. Simpkinson translates, + + "With them was marching + The good Ralph de Shurland, + Who, when seated on horseback, + Does not resemble a man asleep!" + +So thoroughly awake, indeed, does he seem to have proved himself, that +the bard subsequently exclaims, in an ecstasy of admiration, + + Si ie estoie une pucellette + Je li donroie ceur et cors + Tant est de lu bons lí recors. + + "If I were a young maiden, + I would give him my heart and person, + So great is his fame!" + +Fortunately the poet was a tough old monk of Exeter; since such a +present to a nobleman, now in his grand climacteric, would hardly have +been worth the carriage. With the reduction of this stronghold of the +Maxwells seem to have concluded the Baron's military services; as on +the very first day of the fourteenth century we find him once more +landed on his native shore, and marching, with such of his retainers +as the wars had left him, towards the hospitable shelter of Shurland +Castle. It was then, upon that very beach, some hundred yards distant +from high-water mark, that his eye fell upon something like an ugly +old woman in a red cloak. She was seated on what seemed to be a large +stone, in an interesting attitude, with her elbows resting upon her +knees and her chin upon her thumbs. The Baron started: the remembrance +of his interview with a similar personage in the same place, some three +years since, flashed upon his recollection. He rushed towards the spot, +but the form was gone; nothing remained but the seat it had appeared +to occupy. This, on examination, turned out to be no stone, but the +whitened skull of a dead horse. A tender remembrance of the deceased +Grey Dolphin shot a momentary pang into the Baron's bosom; he drew the +back of his hand across his face; the thought of the hag's prediction +in an instant rose, and banished all softer emotions. In utter contempt +of his own weakness, yet with a tremor that deprived his redoubtable +kick of half its wonted force, he spurned the relic with his foot. One +word alone issued from his lips elucidatory of what was passing in +his mind,--it long remained imprinted on the memory of his faithful +followers,--that word was "Gammon!" The skull bounded across the beach +till it reached the very margin of the stream;--one instant more, and +it would be engulfed for ever. At that moment a loud "Ha! ha! ha!" was +distinctly heard by the whole train to issue from its bleached and +toothless jaws: it sank beneath the flood in a horse-laugh! + +Meanwhile Sir Ralph de Shurland felt an odd sort of sensation in his +right foot. His boots had suffered in the wars. Great pains had been +taken for their preservation. They had been "soled" and "heeled" more +than once;--had they been "galoshed," their owner might have defied +Fate! Well has it been said that "there is no such thing as a trifle." +A nobleman's life depended upon a question of ninepence. + +The Baron marched on; the uneasiness in his foot increased. He plucked +off his boot; a horse's tooth was sticking in his great toe! + +The result may be anticipated. Lame as he was, his lordship, with +characteristic decision would hobble on to Shurland; his walk increased +the inflammation; a flagon of _aqua vitæ_ did not mend matters. He was +in a high fever; he took to his bed. Next morning the toe presented the +appearance of a Bedfordshire carrot; by dinner-time it had deepened +to beetroot; and when Bargrave, the leech, at last sliced it off, the +gangrene was too confirmed to admit of remedy. Dame Martin thought it +high time to send for Miss Margaret, who, ever since her mother's death, +had been living with her maternal aunt, the abbess, in the Ursuline +convent of Greenwich. The young lady came, and with her came one Master +Ingoldsby, her cousin-german by the mother's side; but the Baron was +too far gone in the deadthraw to recognise either. He died as he lived, +unconquered and unconquerable. His last words were--"Tell the old hag +to go to ----." Whither remains a secret. He expired without fully +articulating the place of her destination. + +But who and what was the crone who prophesied the catastrophe? Ay, +"that is the mystery of this wonderful history."--Some said it was Dame +Fothergill, the late confessor's mamma; others, St. Bridget herself; +others thought it was nobody at all, but only a phantom conjured up by +Conscience. As we do not know, we decline giving an opinion. + +And what became of the Clerk of Chatham? Mr. Simpkinson avers than he +lived to a good old age, and was at last hanged by Jack Cade, with his +inkhorn about his neck, for "setting boys copies." In support of this +he adduces his name "Emanuel," and refers to the historian Shakspeare. +Mr. Peters, on the contrary, considers this to be what he calls one of +Mr. Simpkinson's "Anacreonisms," inasmuch as, at the introduction of Mr. +Cade's reform measure, the clerk would have been hard upon two hundred +years old. The probability is, that the unfortunate alluded to was his +great-grandson. + +Margaret Shurland in due course became Margaret Ingoldsby, her portrait +still hangs in the gallery at Tappington. The features are handsome, but +shrewish, betraying, as it were, a touch of the old Baron's temperament; +but we never could learn that she actually kicked her husband. She +brought him a very pretty fortune in chains, owches, and Saracen +ear-rings; the barony, being a male fief, reverted to the crown. + +In the abbey-church at Minster may yet be seen the tomb of a recumbent +warrior, clad in the chain-mail of the 13th century. His hands are +clasped in prayer; his legs, crossed in that position so prized by +Templars in ancient, and tailors in modern, days, bespeak him a soldier +of the Faith in Palestine. Close to his great-toe, lies sculptured in +bold relief a horse's head; and a respectable elderly lady, as she shows +the monument, fails not to read her auditors a fine moral lesson on the +sin of ingratitude, or to claim a sympathising tear to the memory of +poor "Grey Dolphin!" + + + + + FRIAR LAURENCE AND JULIET. + BY THOMAS HAYNES BAYLY. + + _Friar._ + Who is calling Friar Laurence? + --Madam Juliet! how d'ye do? + Dear me--talk of the--beg pardon-- + I've been talking about _you_. + Mistress Montagu, they tell me + You on Thursday mean to wed! + It is strange you never told me + That poor Mister M. was dead! + + _Juliet._ + M.'s alive! yet County Paris + I'm to marry, people say! + (I shall marry the whole county + If I go on in this way:) + Once you've wedded me already, + If I wed again, you see, + Though in _you_ a _little_ error, + 'Twill be very _big o' me_. + + _Friar._ + 'Pon my life, it's very awkward! + I'll on some expedient hit; + If you'll find me ready money, + I will find you ready wit: + I can't let you wed a second + Ere I know the first has died; + Think of faggots! for such deeds, ma'am, + Holy friars have been fried! + + _Juliet._ + 'Tan't my wish, sir, nor intention,-- + Any scheme of yours I'll hail; + To escape from County Paris, + Put me in the county jail: + Kill me dead! and make me food for + Earthworm, viper, toad, or rat; + Make a widower of Ro-me- + -O,--('twill _hurt_ me to do that!) + + _Friar._ + If you've really resolution + That your life-blood should be spilt, + I will save you, for I'll have you + Not quite killed, but merely _kilt_: + Could you in a vault be buried-- + Horizontal--in a niche? + And of death so good a copy, + None could find out which is which? + + _Juliet._ + I would vault into a vault, sir, + With a dead man in his shroud; + I'd do any dirty work, sir, + Though my family's so proud! + I'll do whatsoe'er you bid me, + 'Till you say I've done enough: + Nay, sir, much as I dislike it, + I'll take 'poticary's stuff! + + _Friar._ + Then go home, ma'am, and be merry; + Say that Paris you will wed; + Tell your nurse you've got a headache, + And go quietly to bed: + Ask for something warm,--some negus, + Grog, or gruel, or egg-flip, + Put in this, and then drink quickly,-- + 'Tis so nauseous if you sip. + + _Juliet._ + Give, oh! give me quick the phial, + From the trial I'll not shrink,-- + Is it shaken when it's taken? + Gracious me! it's black as ink! + There's no fear, I trust, of failure?-- + No--I doubt not its effect; + From your conversation's _tenor_ + No base phial I expect. + + _Friar._ + You will have the bridegroom _follow_, + Where he generally _leads_; + 'Stead of hymeneal flowers, + He will wear sepulchral weeds: + _I_ to Romeo will quickly + Write a letter by the post; + He will wake you, and should Paris + Meet you,--say you are your ghost! + + _Juliet._ + 'Tis an excellent arrangement, + As you bid me I will act; + But within the tomb, dear friar, + Place a basket nicely pack'd;-- + Just a loaf, a tongue, a chicken, + Port and sherry, and some plums; + It will _really_ be a comfort + Should I wake e'er Romeo comes! + + + + + CHAPTER IN THE LIFE OF A STATESMAN, + BEING INEDITED LETTERS OF ADDISON. + NOW FIRST PRINTED FROM THE AUTOGRAPH ORIGINALS. + +The following letters, which have never before been published, are +exceedingly curious, as exhibiting Addison in a new point of view, and +as displaying traits in that celebrated man's character, differing +very materially from those which his biographers have recorded. They +are addressed to Charles Montague, Earl of Halifax, and to Monsieur +Robethon, secretary to the Elector of Hanover, afterwards George +the First of England. They represent Addison as eager for place and +pension, yearning after pecuniary reward, dwelling upon services +unrequited, urging his utmost interest to procure some new emoluments, +and discontentedly comparing his own condition with that of other more +fortunate placemen. Leaving the letters to speak for themselves, it is +only necessary to add that they are accompanied by a few notes which +furnish some new data in the family history of the writer. + + + TO CHARLES MONTAGUE, EARL OF HALIFAX. + + Dublin Castle, May 7, 1709. + MY LORD,--I am glad of any occasion of paying my + duty to your lordship, and therefore cannot but lay + hold of this, in transmitting to your lordship our + Lord Lieutenant's[71] speech at the opening of the + parliament, with a couple of addresses from the House + of Commons upon that occasion. Your lordship will see + by them that all parties have set out in good-humour, + which is entirely owing to his excellency's conduct, + who has addressed himself so all sorts of men since + his arrival here, with unspeakable application. They + were under great apprehensions, at his first coming, + that he would drive directly at repealing the Test, + and had formed themselves into a very strong body for + its defence; but, as their minds are at present pretty + quiet upon that head, they appear willing to enter into + all other measures that he would have them. Had he + proceeded otherwise, it is easie to see that all things + would have been thrown into the utmost confusion, and + a stop put to all public business. His excellency, + however, gains ground daily; and I question not but in + a new parliament, where parties are not settled and + confirmed, he will be able to lead them into any thing + that will be for their real interests and advantage. + + I have the happiness every day to drink + your lordship's health in very good wine,[72] and with + very honest gentlemen; and am ever, with the greatest + respect, my lord, Your lordship's most obedient and + most humble servant, + J. ADDISON. + +[71] Thomas Wharton, Earl of Wharton, appointed Lord Lieutenant of +Ireland, April 21, 1709. How Addison became the secretary of this +Verres, as delineated by Swift,--or how Wharton, who professed to think +virtue to be only a name, and would not have given a guinea as the +purchase-price of the best reputation, obtained the appointment of the +Queen's vicegerent in Ireland,--would be matters of perfect astoundment, +were it not known that Wharton forced himself upon Lord Godolphin, by +showing him a treasonable letter of that lord's to the abdicated family, +of which he had contrived to become the possessor. Wharton's vice-regal +power was but of short duration; he was recalled: Lords Justices were +appointed in the September of the same year, and Wharton returned to +England to make a bad use of the letter. Godolphin had, however, been +too cunning for him, and procured an act of grace in his absence, which +enabled him to set the vengeance of the Lord Lieutenant at defiance. As +an apology for Addison's serving under such a man, it may be urged, that +the acceptance of the office so proffered implied no approbation of his +crimes; and that a subordinate officer is under no obligation to examine +the opinions or conduct of those under whom he acts, excepting that he +may not be made the actual tool of his atrocities or crimes. + +[72] Addison's habitual taciturnity and fondness for the bottle are well +known. There is a story, not yet forgotten, that the profligate Duke of +Wharton, who was, perhaps, only the reputed or imputed son of this earl, +afterwards Marquis of Wharton, once at table plied Addison so briskly +with wine, in order to make him talk, that he could not retain it in his +stomach. His grace is said to have observed, that "he could get wine, +but not wit out of him." + + + TO M. DE ROBETHON, SECRETARY TO THE ELECTOR OF HANOVER. + + St. James's, Sept. 4, 1714. + SIR,--I have been obliged to so close an attendance + on the Lords Justices, and have had so very little + time at my own disposal during my absence from their + excellencies, that I could not do myself the honour + before now, to assure you of my respects, and to + beg the continuance of that friendship which you + formerly honoured me with, at Hanover.[73] I cannot + but extremely rejoice at the occasion, which will give + me on opportunity of waiting on you in England, where + you will find a whole nation in the highest joy, and + thoroughly sensible of the great blessings which they + promise themselves from his Majesty's accession to the + throne. + + I take the liberty to send you, enclosed, + a poem written on this occasion by one of our most + eminent hands, which is indeed a masterpiece in its + kind; and, though very short, has touched upon all + the topics which are most popular among us. I have + likewise transmitted to you, a copy of the preamble to + the Prince of Wales's patent, which was a very grateful + task imposed upon me by the Lords Justices. Their + excellencies have ordered that the lords and others who + meet his Majesty, be out of mourning that day, as also + their coaches; but all servants, except those of the + City magistrates, to be in mourning. The shortness of + the time, which would not be sufficient for the making + of new liveries, occasioned this last order. + + The removal of the Lord Bolingbroke[74] has + put a seasonable check to an interest that was making + in many places for members in the next parliament; and + was very much relished by the people, who ascribed to + him, in a great measure, the decay of trade and public + credit. + + You will do me a very great honour if you + find means submissive enough to make the humble offers + of my duty acceptable to his Majesty. May God Almighty + preserve his person, and continue him for many years + the blessing of these kingdoms! I am, with great esteem + and respect, Sir, your most obedient and most humble + servant, + J. ADDISON. + +[73] Lord Godolphin conferred on Addison, as a reward for his poem +entitled _The Campaign_, commemorative of the battle of Blenheim, the +place of Commissioner of Appeals, in the room of the celebrated Locke, +who had been appointed a Lord of Trade. The year following, he attended +Lord Halifax to Hanover; and, in the next, was appointed secretary to +Sir Charles Hedges, and was continued in that office by his successor, +Charles Spencer, Earl of Sunderland. + +[74] Addison was a sound Whig. Bolingbroke records, that, after the +peace which followed the ever memorable battle of Blenheim, he engaged +with Addison in a two hours' conversation, and their politics differed +_toto cælo_ from each other. + + + + + TO THE SAME. + + St. James's, Sept 11. + SIR,--Though I am not without hopes of seeing you in + England before this letter comes to your hands, I + cannot defer returning you my thanks for the honour of + yours of the 17th N. S. which I received this morning. + I beg leave to send you the enclosed ceremonial for the + King's entry, published by the Earl of Suffolk, Deputy + Earl Marshal, as regulated by the Lords Justices and + privy council.[75] The Attorney-general is preparing a + proclamation, reciting the rewards set on the Pretender + by the late Queen and Parliament, with the security set + for the payment, as established by a clause in an act + passed since his Majesty's accession to the throne. As + such a proclamation is very requisite; so, perhaps, it + may come with a good grace from the Regents before his + Majesty's arrival. It will, I believe, be fixed up in + all the market-towns, especially among the highlands in + Scotland, where there has been some meetings, but, by + the care of the Regents, of no consequence. + + [Subscribed in the same words as the preceding.] + + + TO THE EARL OF HALIFAX. + + Oct. 17, 1714. + MY LORD,--I find by your lordship's + discourse that you have your reasons + for laying aside the thought of bringing me into a + part of Lowndes's place;[76] and, as I hope they do + not proceed from any change of goodwill towards me, + I do entirely acquiesce in them. I know that one in + your lordship's high station has several opportunities + of showing favour to your dependants, as one of your + generous temper does not want to be reminded of it when + any such offer. I must therefore beg your lordship to + believe that I think no more of what you were pleased + to mention in relation to the Treasury, though the + kind and condescending manner in which your lordship + was pleased to communicate yourself to me on that + subject, shall always raise in me the most constant and + unfeigned zeal for your honour and service. + + I fancy, if I had a friend to represent to + his Majesty that I was sent abroad by King William, + and taken off from all other pursuits in order to be + employed in his service[77]--that I had the honour to + wait on your lordship to Hanover,--that the post I am + now in, is the gift of a particular lord [Sunderland], + in whose service I have been employed formerly,--that + it is a great fall, in point of honour, from being + secretary to the Regents, and that their request + to his Majesty still subsists in my favour,--with + other intimations that might perhaps be made to my + advantage,--I fancy, I say, that his Majestie, upon + such a representation, would be inclined to bestow on + me some mark of his favour. I protest to your lordship + I never gained to the value of five thousand pounds[78] + by all the business I have yet been in; and, out of + that, very near a fourth part has been laid out in my + elections.[79] I should not insist on this subject + so long, were it not taken notice of by some of the + Lords Justices themselves, as well as many others, + that his Majestie has yet done nothing for me, though + it was once expected he would have done something more + considerable for me than I can at present have the + confidence to mention. As I have the honour to write + to your lordship, whose favour I have endeavoured to + cultivate, and should be very ambitious of deserving, + I will humbly propose it to your lordship's thoughts, + whether his Majestie might not be inclined, if I was + mentioned to him, to put me in the Commission of Trade, + or in some honorary post about the Prince, or by some + other method to let the world see that I am not wholly + disregarded by him. I am ashamed to talk so long of + myself; but, if your lordship will excuse me this time, + I will never more erre on this side. I shall only + beg leave to add, that I mentioned your lordship's + kind intentions towards me only to two persons. One + of them was Phillips,[80] whom I could not forbear + acquainting, in the fulness of my heart, with the + kindness you had designed both him and me, which I take + notice of because I hope your lordship will have him in + your thoughts. + + Though I put by several importunities which + are made me to recommend persons and pretensions to + your lordship, there are some which I cannot resist, + without declaring, what would go very much against + me, that I have no credit with your lordship. Of this + kind is a request made me yesterday by Lady Irby, + that I would mention her to your lordship as one who + might be made easy in her fortune if your lordship + would be pleased to procure for her the place of a + bedchamber-woman to the Princess. I told her that + places of that nature were out of your lordship's + province; but she tells me, as the proper persons are + not yet named to whom she should make her applications, + and as my Lord Townsend has gained the same favour for + Mrs. Selwyn, she hopes you will excuse her solicitation + upon this occasion. + + My Lord Dorchester, from whom I lately + conveyed a letter to your lordship, has likewise + obliged me to speak in favour of Mr. Young, who marryed + a sister of Mr. Chetwynd's, and formerly was a clerk + under me in Ireland. He is now a man of estate, of + honest principles, and has been very serviceable to + Lord Dorchester in the elections at Salisbury. + + I humbly beg leave to congratulate your + lordship upon the honours you have lately received; and + whenever your lordship will allow me to wait on you, + I shall always value the honour of being admitted to + your conversation more than any place that can be given + me. I am, with the greatest respect, my lord, + Your lordship's most devoted and most obedient servant, + J. ADDISON. + +[75] Budgell has recorded that he attended Lord Halifax and Addison in a +barge to Greenwich to meet George the First from Hanover. Halifax said +he expected to have the Treasurer's staff, and to have great influence; +that he would endeavour to avoid some of the errors of late reigns, +and make his master a great king, and would recommend Addison to be +a secretary of state. Addison, as Budgell says, blushed, and thanked +him for such honourable friendship, but declared that his merits and +ambition did not carry him to so high a place. Halifax was, however, +circumvented in all his speculations: Walpole acquired more influence, +or succeeded by intrigue; and the effects mortified Lord Halifax so +acutely, that a pulmonary fever was the consequence, and death soon put +a quietus upon his lordship's unsuccessful struggle for power. + +[76] Lowndes was secretary to the Lords of the Treasury. + +[77] Congreve first introduced Addison to the notice of lord Halifax +while being educated at Oxford for the church, when his lordship is said +to have dedicated Addison to the state, and avowed he would never do +the church any other harm than in keeping him out of it. The post which +Addison here alludes to, was that of secretary to Lord Sunderland, who +was then appointed to the Lord-Lieutenancy of Ireland, but never went +to Dublin to assume the vice-regal dignity. Addison evidently deemed +that appointment a degradation, and much inferior to that of being +secretary to the Lords Regent of the kingdom till the arrival of the +new King. As to his having been in Lord Sunderland's employ formerly, +it has reference to his being his lordship's secretary upon the earl's +succeeding Sir Charles Hedges, as Secretary of State, in 1706. + +[78] This assertion seems strange, when it is known that in 1711, long +prior to his marriage with the Countess of Warwick, Addison had expended +ten thousand pounds upon the purchase of the Bilton estate, near Rugby, +in Warwickshire: and Oldmixon, in his History, says, Addison left by his +will, in 1719, to his daughter and to Lady Warwick, his fortune, which +was about twelve thousand pounds. His daughter, who resided at Bilton +till her death, in 1797, enjoyed an income of more than twelve hundred +pounds per annum. + +[79] Addison sat in the two last parliaments of Queen Anne. The Commons' +Journals record that on a petition against his election for Lestwithiel, +in 1708, he was found not duly elected; but by Lord Wharton's interest +at the general election, he was chosen member for Malmesbury: indeed, as +Swift wrote to Stella, so popular had Addison then become, that "if he +had stood for the kingship, he would have been chosen." + +[80] Ambrose Phillips, "one of the wits at Button's," and Addison's +constant associate at that resort of the literati. In the latter part +of Queen Anne's reign, being a Whig, he was secretary to the Hanover +Club, and was, soon after the accession of George the First, put +into the commission of the peace; and, in 1717, appointed one of the +Commissioners of the Lottery. Paul Whitehead relates that when Addison +became Secretary of State, Phillips applied to him for some preferment, +but was coolly answered, that it was thought he was already provided +for, by being made a justice for Westminster. To this observation +Phillips with some indignation replied, "Though poetry was a trade he +could not live by, yet he scorned to owe subsistence to another which +he ought not to live by." Phillips will be long remembered by his +translation from Racine of the tragedy of the "Distressed Mother." He +died, struck with palsy, in Hanover-street, Hanover-square, June 18, +1749. + + Oct. 24, 1714. + MY LORD,--Upon my coming home + this evening, I found a letter left for + me from your lordship which has raised in me a greater + satisfaction and sense of gratitude than I am able to + express. Nothing can be more acceptable to me than the + place which I hope your lordship has procured for me, + and particularly because it may put me in a way of + improving myself under your lordship's directions. I + will not pretend to express my thanks to your lordship + upon this occasion, but should be glad to employ my + whole life in it. + [Subscribed as before.] + + Nov. 30, 1714. + MY LORD,--Finding that I have miscarried + in my pretensions to the Board + of Trade, I shall not trouble your lordship with the + resentments of the unhandsome treatment I have met with + from some of our new great men in every circumstance + of that affair; but must beg leave to express my + gratitude to your lordship for the great favour you + have shown me on this occasion, which I shall never + forget. Young Craggs[81] told me, about a week ago, + that his Majestie, though he did not think fit to + gratifie me in this particular, designed to give me a + recompense for my service under the Lords Justices, in + which case your lordship will probably be consulted. + Since I find I am never to rise above the station + in which I first entered upon public business, (for + I begin to look upon myself like an old serjeant or + corporal,) I would willingly turn my secretaryships, + in which I have served five different masters, to the + best advantage I can; and as your lordship is the + only patron I glory in, and have a dependence on, + I hope you will honour me with your countenance in + this particular. If I am offered less than a thousand + pounds, I shall beg leave not to accept it, since it + will look more like a clerk's wages than a mark of his + Majesty's favour. I verily believe that his Majesty + may think I had fees and perquisites belonging to me + under the Lords Justices; but, though I was offered a + present by the South Sea Company, I never took that, + nor anything else, for what I did, as knowing I had + no right to it. Were I of another temper, my present + place in Ireland[82] might be as profitable to me as + some have represented it. I humbly beg your lordship's + pardon for the trouble of such a letter, and do assure + your lordship that one of the greatest pleasures I + shall receive in whatever I get from the government + will be its enabling me to promote your honour and + interest more effectually. I am informed, Mr. Yard, + besides a place and an annual recompense for serving + the Lords Justices [of Ireland] under King William, + had considerable fees, and was never at the charge of + getting himself elected into the House of Commons. + + I beg your lordship will give me leave to + add, that I believe I am the first man that ever drew + up a Prince of Wales's preamble without so much as a + medal for my pains. + [Subscribed as before.] + +[81] Young Craggs was the son of a _barber_, who, by his merit, became +Postmaster-general, and home-agent to the Duke of Marlborough; he was +one of the first characters of the age, and had distinguished himself +in the House of Commons. The classical names of Damon and Pythias, +of Pylades and Orestes, of Nisus and Euryalus, are not oftener found +conjoined in ancient story than those of Addison and Craggs in the +real life of modern times. Addison, notwithstanding the discomfiture +evinced in these letters, succeeded in procuring the appointment of +a Lord Commissioner at the Board of Trade, which post he held till +he was made Secretary of State, April 16, 1717. But Addison was then +fast sinking into a bad habit of body: his great care was how to live, +and, as Tacitus Gordon, his great admirer, used to relate, was then +killing himself in drinking the widow Trueby's water, spoken of in the +"Spectator." Unfit for the drudgery of a political life,--the pack-horse +of the state,--he pleaded the being incapable of supporting the fatigues +of his office, and resigned the seals in March 1718, upon a pension from +the King of seventeen hundred pounds per annum. Craggs, who was his +successor, died prematurely and unmarried, in his twenty-eighth year, in +1721. + +[82] Queen Anne, to whom Addison had been recommended by the Duchess of +Marlborough, on his appointment to be Secretary for Ireland, augmented +the salary annexed to the place of Keeper of the Records in Birmingham +Tower, to three hundred pounds per annum, and bestowed it on him. + + MY LORD,--Your lordship having + given me leave to acquaint you with the names and + pretensions of persons who are importunate with me to + speak to your lordship in their behalf, I shall make + use of that liberty when I believe it may be of use to + your lordship, or when I cannot possibly resist the + solicitation. I presumed to write to your lordship in + favour of Mr. Hungerford, who purchased of me in the + commission of Appeals. All I aske is, that he may enjoy + the fruits of his purchase: as for his recommending + one to his place, I only hinted at it, if his coming + into the House might be of service to your lordship. I + would not have spoken of Mr. Wroth, had not he assured + me that he was first recommended to your lordship by my + Lord Cooper.[83] He tells me since, he had the honour + to be schoolfellow to your lordship, and I know has a + most entire respect for you, and I believe is able to + do his friends service. + + The enclosed petition is of one who is + brother to a particular friend of mine at Oxford, and + brought me a letter in his behalf from Mr. Boscawen. + If your lordship would be pleased to refer it to + the Commissioners of Customs, it would give me an + opportunity of obliging one who may be of service to + me, and perhaps be a piece of justice to one who seems + to be a man of merit. + + I must beg your lordship's patience for + one more, at the request of my Lord and Lady Warwick, + especially since I hear your lordship has formerly + promised to do something for him. His name is Edward + Rich: he is to succeed to the title of the Earl of + Warwick should the young lord have no heir of his + own.[84] He is in great want, writes an extraordinary + good hand, and would be glad of a small place. He + mentions in particular a King's tide-waiter. Capt. + Addison[85] tells me that he presumed to put your + lordship in mind of himself; but, as I hope to provide + for him in Ireland, I will not trouble you on his + account. I have another namesake, who is well turned + for greater business; but if he could have a stamper's + place, vacant by the death of one who was formerly my + servant, it would be a very great favour. I beg your + lordship to pardon this freedom, and I promise to use + it very sparingly hereafter. + + When your lordship is at leisure, I + should be glad of a moment's audience: in the mean + time, I cannot conclude my letter without returning + your lordship thanks for all your favours, which have + obliged me, as long as I live, to be, in the most + particular manner, and with the utmost gratitude and + respect, my lord, + Your lordship's most devoted and Most obedient servant, + J. ADDISON. + +[83] William, first Earl Cowper, Lord High Chancellor of England; he +died Oct. 10, 1723. + +[84] Addison, it is said, was first introduced into the Warwick family +as tutor of the young lord here mentioned. The earl died soon after +the date of this letter; and Addison, at forty-five, took great pains +to woo the countess, who is described as being personally fraught with +half the pride of the nation. They were married in August 1716, though +not happily; for tradition reports they were seldom in each other's +company. Lady Mary Wortley Montagu, in a letter to Pope, written from +the East, after this period, says, "I received the news of Addison's +being declared Secretary of State with the less surprise, in that I knew +that post was almost offered to him before. At that time he declined it; +and I really believe he would have done well to have declined it now. +Such a post as that, and such a wife as the countess, do not seem to be +in prudence eligible for a man that is asthmatic; and we may see the day +when he will be heartily glad to resign them both." + +[85] Dean Addison, who died April 20, 1703, left four children: Joseph, +the writer of these letters; Gulston, here spoken of as Captain Addison, +who died governor of Fort St. George, in the West Indies; Dorothy, of +whom Swift, in a letter dated October 25, 1710, says, "I dined to-day +with Addison and Steele, and a sister of Addison's, who is married to +Mons. Sartre, a Frenchman, prebendary of Westminster. Addison's sister +is a sort of wit, very like him: I am not fond of her." She married, +secondly, Daniel Combes, Esq. Addison bequeathed her in his will five +hundred pounds, which she lived to enjoy till March 2, 1750. The "other +namesake" was possibly Addison's other brother, Lancelot, who, Chalmers +states, was fellow of Magdalen College, Oxford, and an able classical +scholar. + + April 28, 1715. + MY LORD,--I can only acknowledge + the receipt of your grace's[86] last + letters, without being able to return any satisfactory + answer to them, my Lord Lieutenant not being yet well + enough recovered to give any directions in publick + businesse. He has not found the desired effects from + the country air and remedies which he has taken; so + that he is at length prevailed upon to go to the Bath, + which we hope will set him right, if we may believe + the assurances given him by his physicians. Your grace + has, doubtlesse, heard many idle reports which have + been industriously spread abroad with relation to his + distemper, which is nothing else but the cholick, + occasioned by a too frequent use of vomits, to which + the physicians adde the drinking of small beer in too + great quantities when he has found himself a little + heated. I hope, before his excellency sets out for the + Bath, I shall receive his directions upon your grace's + letters, which I shall always execute with the greatest + pleasure and dispatch, being with all possible respect, + my lord, + Your grace's most obedient and Most humble servant, + J. ADDISON. + +[86] The original of this letter having been forwarded in an envelope, +and wanting the notation, at foot of the first page, of the name of +the person to whom addressed, leaves it a conjecture who his grace +was, whether Ormond or Grafton. Charles Spencer, Earl of Sunderland, +is the Lord Lieutenant whose illness Addison describes. The earl never +went to Ireland to assume the vice-regal dignity; and, though this has +never been satisfactorily accounted for, the real causes were, in all +probability, his lordship's continued indisposition, and the death +of Anne, Countess-dowager of Sunderland, his mother. Charles Duke of +Grafton, and Henry Earl of Galway, were appointed Lords Justices of +Ireland, Nov. 1, 1715. + + + + + REMAINS OF HAJJI BABA. + + CHAPTER III. + +I made my preparations with all haste. In addition to my own servant, +Sadek, who had been one of our suite in our former mission, I hired two +others; one to take care of my horses, and another to spread my carpet. +A mule for my baggage, a good horse for my own riding, and two yaboos +for my servants, were soon procured; and, straightway, whip in hand, and +with boots on my feet, I announced myself ready for departure. + +When I appeared before the grand vizier, he said, "_Mashallah!_ By the +beard of the king, thou art a good servant; the kingdom of the Francs, +however, is not falling quite so rapidly that we cannot wait for a +fortunate hour for your departure." + +I had entirely resigned myself to fate, and therefore said, "Whatever +the Shah commands, I am ready to obey." Taking advantage of the +presence of many persons who were come to attend the vizier's levee; +and perhaps as much to exhibit my own consequence as to ask a question +of importance, I stept forward, and, kneeling before him, applied my +mouth to his ear, and said, "Your slave was anxious to have one question +answered, before he went, which is this:--suppose, before he got to +England, its king were really deposed, and the new king, the People +Shah, had mounted on the throne, what is your slave to do?" + +At this the vizier paused, and, reflecting a while, said, "You will then +live in a corner, and write to us for instructions; but do not lose any +opportunity of making good hits in penknives, broad-cloth, and virgins." + +Having waited his pleasure for some time, he then announced that he +would take me before the Shah; and accordingly we proceeded thither, he +taking the lead, whilst I followed at a respectable distance. + +The king was in a good humour; in other words, his brain was sane, and +his spirits well wound up. "By the head of the Shah!" he exclaimed, as +soon as he saw me equipped for the journey, "the Hajji is a wonderful +man; he makes as little of going from here to Frangistan, as we do of +going from the imperial gate to the Takht Kajar." + +Upon this the grand vizier said, "As I am your sacrifice, we are all +your slaves, we are all your servants, we are all ready to go to +Frangistan." + +"That is well," said the Shah. "Is every thing prepared for the Hajji?" + +"As I am your sacrifice, yes;" answered the minister. Upon which he drew +from his girdle a roll of paper, which contained the instructions I was +to receive as the rule of my conduct, and the several official letters +which I was to deliver upon my arrival in England. + +They were exhibited; and, the proper seals having been placed in the +royal presence, they were sent to the head mastofi, or secretary, to be +directed, and inserted in their silken bags. + +When this was over, the king sent for a _calaat_, or dress of honour, +with which I was soon after invested; and then he announced to me with +his own sacred lips, (an event which in my younger days I had so much +desired,) that, if on my return I should have fulfilled my mission to +the Shah's satisfaction, the title of khan would be conferred upon me, +with an appropriate dress of honour. + +This piece of intelligence, some ten years ago, would have made my +head touch the skies, but now it fell upon the surface of my mind as +lead upon cotton; for it promised rather more of trouble than of that +questionable sensation called honour, which I had long learnt to despise. + +I went to the _Der a Khoneh_, or the King's Gate, to take leave of my +friends, and there I received the papers relating to my mission. I was +instructed to offer no presents, but to receive as many for the Shah +as might be given; although, in the destitute situation in which we +supposed England was, we agreed that we could not expect many. The chief +treasurer then gave me a bag of _tomans_, few in number, and which, I +was aware, were insufficient to defray my expenses there and back; yet, +rather than run the chance of having my ears clipped by asking for more, +I chose to trust to my own ingenuity, and to the knowledge of _chum wa +hum_, or palaver, which I possessed, to make up the deficiencies. In +short, I determined to travel at everybody's cost rather than my own. + +At night I went to kiss the hem of the grand vizier's garment, and to +receive his last orders before my departure. He said nothing besides +recommending me to the care of the Prophet, and requesting me to send +him some silk spangled stuffs for the trousers of his harem when I +reached Constantinople. I then received the embrace of my old master, +the Mirza Firooz, who furnished me with letters to his old friends in +England; and with these consolations I went home, rolled up my carpets, +ordered my mule to be loaded, and my horses to be saddled; and, when all +was ready, I locked the door of my house, and, putting the key in my +pocket, I set off for the country of the Francs. + +I reached Erzeroom without any difficulty, having become a gainer, +rather than a loser, by my journey, owing to the presents which +I extracted from the villages on the road, who made them out of +consideration to the character of _elchi_, or ambassador, which I did +not fail to assume. Having got to this city, I determined to repose for +a few days; and, in order to refresh my memory upon the object of my +mission, I passed my time in reading over the instructions with which I +had been furnished. + +Perhaps my readers may be glad to know their contents. + +They were as follows: + +"_Instructions to the high in station, the Mirza Hajji Baba._ + +"That since, by the blessing of Allah, it has come to the knowledge of +the asylum of the universe, the king of kings, that the good fortune +which accompanied the infidels of England has turned upon them, it has +appeared good to appoint some master of wit, some lord of understanding +and experience, to go, and see, and consider, and to endeavour to +extract advantage from misery, wealth from poverty, and instruction from +wickedness: to that effect, the high in station, Hajji Baba, famous for +his skill in Franc wisdom and language, the lord of accomplishment, the +skilled in cunning and intelligence, has been appointed to this service. + +"That as in every country good men are to be found among whole +communities of bad, even as roses are seen to grow among thorns and +thistles, the Hajji will, with that eye of discernment for which he is +famous, discover such men among the infidels, and learn from them the +why and the wherefore, the how and the when, and the truth, if such is +to be found, of all that has taken place; beginning with the beginning, +and going on to the present time; and marking the same in a book to be +placed before the all-refulgent presence of the shadow of God upon earth. + +"That, as it is strictly enjoined in our blessed Koran, written by +the inspired Prophet, upon whom be blessings and peace! that true +believers do inflict all the harm in their power upon infidels, even +unto death, the Hajji is enjoined to take every advantage in his power +of their distress; taking their goods at the smallest value; enticing +their choice workmen into the land of Iran; holding out premiums of +calaats, and the protection of the Shah to their wise men; and making it +clear to them that it is better to make the confession of faith in the +religion of Islam, than to persist in their own unclean belief; holding +out promises of protection and advancement to those who, of their own +free will, will shave their heads, let their beards grow, receive the +proper marks, and say, "_Laallah, illalah, Mohamed resoul Allah!_" and +assurances of toleration to those who through obstinacy and infatuation +still eat the unclean beast, drink wine, and call Isau the only true +prophet. + +"That, upon arriving at the gate of the palace in London, he will +proceed to the presence of the king, brother to the ancient friend +and ally of Persia, if king he still be; and, after having delivered +the all-auspicious letter with which he is charged, he will lift up +his voice and say, 'O king, the asylum of the universe, whose slave I +am, has sent me to thee in thy distress, to offer thee a seat at his +gate, bread to eat, and the free usages of thy own country.' The Hajji +will then use his own discretion, and his own tongue, according as +circumstances may direct his wisdom, to console the Franc king in his +distress, to point out to him the manner in which he will be received, +and to hold out the prospect of commanding the Shah's ship in the +Caspian Sea. + +"That, having seen the king, he will repair to the famous Franc general, +celebrated for having discomfited the great French conqueror, well +known in Iran, and point out to him the advantages of serving the Shah, +instead of sitting in a corner under a new king of his own people; +and further, that he will place before him the certainty of his being +appointed to command the Persian armies, who will not fail to take both +Moscow and Petersburg, to burn the fathers of the Russians, and thus +to entitle himself to such share of the pillage as the Shah in his +greatness will allow him. + +"Having secured these advantages, the Hajji will then cast his eyes +about the country, and do his best endeavours to procure for the harem +of the Shah three choice virgins, whose beauty must surpass everything +that has been seen in Iran, with figures like poplar-trees, waists a +span round, eyes like those of the antelope, faces round as the moon, +hair to the swell of the leg, throats so fine that the wine may be seen +in its passage through them, teeth like pearls, and breath like the +gales wafted from the caravans of musk from Khatai. They are required +to be mistresses of every accomplishment; to sing so loud and so long +that they may be heard from the Ark to the Negaristan; to dance every +dance, standing on their heads, and running on their hands. They must +embroider, sew, and spin; they must know how to make _halwa_, or +sweetmeats; how to light a _kalioon_, or pipe, and to play the _jerid +bazi_ on horseback. In short, they must unite all the accomplishments of +Fars to the sagacity of Francs; and should they please the Shah, only +for one hour, they will have the satisfaction of having made the Hajji's +face white for ever. + +"The Shah, in his wisdom, trusting to the misery which is now known to +assail the English nation, enjoins the Hajji, as he would gain the royal +favour, and gain a great name in Iran, ever to keep a watchful eye upon +penknives, broad-cloth, chandeliers, and looking-glasses. He will make +as large a collection as possible for the use of the Shah,--for nothing +if he can: for little if he cannot for nothing. He will also accumulate +every other desirable thing fitted for the use of the king, which may +come within his grasp. + +"In short, he will recollect that such another opportunity of acquiring +advantages to his king and country as the breaking up of a large nation +and government, will never perhaps again be afforded; and with this +truth in his mind, that with one grain of wisdom frequently more is to +be achieved than with the strength of armies, he will employ all his +best wit to turn that head to account which Allah in his mercy has given +to him, and which luck and the blessed Prophet has given to the asylum +of the universe to employ." + +When I had read over my instructions, I laid the head of confusion upon +the pillow of repose, and sought in vain to relieve myself from the +various strange images which they had brought into my brain. I feared +that it would be impossible to bring the arduous business with which I +was intrusted to a happy conclusion, and secure for myself a white face +at the end of it, so difficult did it appear. However, the certainty +that _Allah kerim est_, or God is merciful, came to my help: and with +this soothing feeling, I quieted my apprehensions, and continued my road +to Constantinople, fully persuaded that, be the true believer among +Jews, Francs, or Muscovites, his only true help is in _Allah_. + + + CHAPTER IV. + +I reached Constantinople, and immediately inquired for the house of +a Franc whom I had known in former days: an Englishman, who might +enlighten my understanding concerning the objects of my mission, and +might inform me what might be the state of his country. He was a +sensible man,--a man done to a turn, who knew the difference between +justice and injustice, and whose words were not thrown into the air +without use. He frankly confirmed to me the truth of everything we had +heard reported at the gate of the asylum of the universe. I found him +seated on bales of merchandise in his warehouse, looking as if the world +had placed his heels where his head ought to be, and desponding over +his future prospects. Whatever I said to him upon the unreasonableness +of attempting to strive against the decrees of Providence was of no +avail. Instead of sitting down satisfied with his _takdeer_, or fate, +as I should have done, I found him poring over a large sheet of Franc +paper, printed, and therefore true, which he had just received from his +own land, and cursing in his teeth one of his household demons, as I +thought, which he called "_Dowlet_." He said that he verily believed +the father of madness had taken possession of his once flourishing +country; for what was always looked upon as right, was now called +wrong, and what used to be execrated as wrong was now adopted as right. +And, moreover, he asserted that the infatuation had gone so far, that +nobody seemed inclined to eat his figs, no one would buy his cotton: +there was an universal cry upon the miseries entailed by silk, and +more gloves now existed in the world than there were hands to wear +them. If such were the miseries of silk, thought I,--a produce which +comes from abroad,--what must be those of penknives which grow in +the country? I kept my thoughts to myself, and determined to set off +without delay to put my orders into execution. There was one thing I +was glad to ascertain in the interview with my friend, which was, that +I had not so entirely forgotten his language as I had feared, and that +I understood much of what he said. When I saw that large printed sheet +of paper, numerous were the recollections it gave rise to, and I was +struck with apprehension lest my thoughts, words, actions, even to the +dye of my beard, would be carefully registered therein day by day, +the moment I set my foot on English ground, if I did not take great +precautions against such an evil. I therefore determined to keep myself +as much unknown as possible; and, to that effect, resolved to leave +Constantinople without seeing the ambassador of the King of England, who +was residing there; and to make my way to the foot of his king's throne +with all the best haste I could. + +In consequence of what I had heard from the Franc merchant, and from all +I had seen with my own eyes, I collected all my certainty into a heap, +and became quite satisfied that the madness for which all Francs are +celebrated, and particularly the English, was now beginning to be fully +developed, and, strange to say, that the Turks, a nation so unchanged +since the days of Seljuk, so fixed in _destour_, or custom, tied down +by ancient habit,--the Turks themselves were no longer the same; the +English disorder, Reform, had crept in amongst them, and had committed +woful ravages. The Sultan himself took the lead; and it was now a +question solemnly discussed among the elders and ulemah, whether heaven +had come down to earth amongst them, or whether earth had descended into +hell. Some asserted one thing, some another. Those who were for heaven +said, "Thank Allah, our souls are now becoming as free as our chins. +Where are now those odious beards that used to wave about the ends of +our faces like long grass on the mountain top; that took toll of every +mouthful of food that went into our mouths; that required more washing +and dyeing than a Franc's shirt; and that gave a handle to our enemies +without being of use to ourselves--where are they? Swept for ever from +the faces of the sons of Islam, and swimming through the currents of +the Bosphorus and the Dardanelles. And where are now those great, those +awful, those capacious breeches, that could include within their folds +as many legs as would serve a whole company of soldiers, instead of +one pair of legs, which were eternally playing at hide-and-seek among +their immense involutions? They are gone for ever. The saving to the +Bab Homaioon--the gate of splendour--and to the treasury of the great +blood-drinker, in broad-cloth alone, will be worth ten thousand fighting +men per annum, let alone the inconvenience to the individuals. And +because we change the fashion of our clothes, does it follow that we +change that of our faith, as our enemies would have us to do? No. We can +kneel down on our praying-carpets as often and as easily in our tights, +as we before did in our slacks. And although smooth chins may be common +to unbelievers, yet it is certain that the paradise of Mahomet is as +open to the shaved as it is to the hairy." + +On the other hand, those who were of the Jehanum faction insisted that +the whole dignity and consequence of the Turkish empire had been +sacrificed with the beards of its subjects; that, from looking a nation +of sages, they had been turned into a nation of monkeys; and that +although the rage of innovation had hitherto only seized the capital, +yet, so it was once argued, when once it was known in the provinces that +its emperor, the vicegerent of Allah upon earth, had cut off his beard, +it was likely that the whole of the population would do so likewise, and +thus universal degradation would ensue. + +Then, as for the tight trousers which had been introduced, what lover +of decency would now venture to show his person in the nakedness of +unprotected legs, like the unblushing Francs? People might revile the +janissaries; but, at all events, they were decently clad men, wearing as +much cloth and muslin about their dress as would clothe a whole orta of +the poor starving-looking individuals of the new nizam. It might be very +well to say, that the faith of the heart did not change with the cut +of one's clothes; but it was plain that when once reform began, it was +impossible to say where it might stop; and true Mussulmans might perhaps +soon have to deplore its terrible effects, by seeing their wives walk +about without veils, with their faces exposed to the gaze of man. The +unclean beast would ere long be eaten with impunity from one end of the +celestial empire to the other; whilst all the holy Prophet's injunctions +against wine would be entirely set at nought;--all to follow the example +of unclean, faithless, and corrupt Francs, upon whom be all curses +poured! + +Such were the subjects which I daily heard discussed among the Turks, +and every word which entered into my ears, only confirmed the reports +which had reached my own country. I therefore consulted with my friend +the Franc merchant upon the easiest mode of getting to England, quickest +in point of conveyance, and the most eligible in point of secrecy. He +recommended me to go by land, and first to proceed to the capital of the +Nemseh, or Germans, ascending the Balkan, descending into the plains +of Wallachia, by first crossing the Danube, and then making my way to +another chain of mountains culled Karpathos; which having crossed, I +should soon find myself among the Majar, and then all in good time, +meeting the Danube again, I should reach Vienna. This seemed mighty easy +to the Franc merchant, but to me it appeared very much like scaling +the six heavens to get at the seventh. However, I was on the Shah's +business; and therefore, putting my firm faith in Allah, I allied myself +with a party of Greek merchants, who were proceeding into Germany upon +matters of business. We resolved to set off as soon as we should hear +that no recent robberies had taken place on the road. + + + + + SONNET TO A FOG. + (WITH A CRITICAL NOTE.) + + BY EGERTON WEBBE. + + Hail to thee, Fog! most reverend, worthy Fog! + Come in thy full-wigg'd gravity; I much + Admire thee:--thy old dulness hath a touch + Of true respectability. The rogue + That calls thee names (a fellow I could flog) + Would beard his grandfather, and trip his crutch. + But I am dutiful, and hold with such + As deem thy solemn company no clog. + Not that I love to travel best incog.-- + To pounce on latent lamp-posts, or to clutch + The butcher in my arms or in a bog + Pass afternoons; but while through thee, I jog, + I feel I am true English, and no Dutch, + Nor French, nor any other foreign dog + That never mixed his grog + Over a sea-coal fire a day like this, + And bid thee scowl thy worst, and found it bliss, + And to himself said, "Yes, + Italia's skies are fair, her fields are sunny; + But, d--n their eyes! Old England for my money." + +"And do you call this a sonnet, sir?" I hear some reader say, with his +fingers resting on the twentieth line: "I hope I know what a sonnet is; +why, sir, sonnet is the Greek for _fourteen_, to be sure; and your lines +must always count just two over the dozen, or you make no sonnet of it; +everybody knows this same." + +Have patience, good reader, while I proceed to convict thee of +impertinence. No man is so happy of an occasion of correcting others +as he who has recently learnt something. Now, behold! I have recently +learnt this,--that the Italian poets, when they want to be funny, +and at the same time to sonnetteer, (new verb,) outrage the gentle +proportions of Poetry's fairest daughter--her whose delicate form took +captive the soul of Petrarch--by ignominiously affixing to her hinder +parts that always unseemly appendage--_a tail_, which is no less a +tail, and therefore no less disgraceful to her who wears it, for being +called, in the more courtly language of those original conspirators, +_coda_ (from Latin _cauda_, observe;--see your dictionary.) This have +I learnt, astonished reader, by poking into the _Parnasso Italiano_, +as you may do, and there, beholding these prodigious baboon sonnets +in full tail,--for verily they resemble not the true birth more than +monkeys resemble men, and that is as much as to say they do resemble +them--in such a manner as to make you laugh at the difference. But +herein those Italian conspirators, who hatched the infernal plot, gained +their end; they diverted their readers at the expense of poetical +decency. Now, however, seeing that this second ("_caudatus_") species +of the sonnet has a real and lively existence in the land that gave +it birth; and seeing that we have freely imported from that land the +other, the _non-caudatus_, species, (for I suppose all young ladies and +gentlemen know to what country they are indebted for the fourteen-lined +happiness,) it seems but fair that we should improve our national stock +by bringing over the later breed, and applying it to the same uses as +our neighbours. + +The above is the first avowed specimen of the _tailed sonnet_, I +believe, that has ever appeared in English; and I hope it may operate +as a useful example to better poets, and induce them to clap tails +continually to their sonnets, whenever they intend fun.[87] I say it +is the first _avowed_ specimen, because there exists one (unsuspected) +among the poems of no less a man than John Milton, who found nothing +admirable in any language but he quickly transplanted it. That most +accomplished of modern poetical critics, Leigh Hunt, was the first who +discovered the fact, and gave the alarm to Milton's editors; he showed +very clearly that that short poem, "On the New Forcers of conscience +under the Long Parliament," which is always published, ignorantly, +among the _miscellaneous_ pieces, is neither more nor less than a comic +_sonnet_ with the Italian tail to it. If the reader will take the +trouble to look into his Milton, he will find that this poem down to the +line, + + "Your plots and packing worse than those of Trent," + +forms a regular fourteen-liner; then comes the little adjunct,--"That +so the parliament,"--which, rhyming with the foregoing, gains the right +of introducing a new couplet; then another, rhyming with that, and +lending to a second supernumerary. In this manner the Italian poets link +on couplet after couplet without end, and you may see some of their +sonnets with tails stretching through several pages; nay, for aught I +know, you might have a sonnet in two volumes octavo, without exceeding +your licence. But it must always be constructed on the above plan, with +links of a like thickness. By the bye, it is surprising that the late +editors of Milton's poems--men professedly conversant with Italian +literature--should still persist in placing this comic sonnet among the +"miscellaneous pieces," after the error has been pointed out to them! + +As for the question--why a tail should be ridiculous?--it seems to me +one of considerable intricacy, and of the highest interest. Yes, Mr. +Editor, why _should_ tails be ridiculous? Coat-tails, pig-tails, all +tails whatsoever, are found to touch us with a sense of the jocose; nay, +your comet's tail itself is only a kind of _terrific absurdity_. I say, +therefore, without fear of contradiction, that there subsists in this +question a deep psychological truth, which demands the exploring hand of +philosophy; and if no better man will take the hint,--why, Mr. Editor, +I think I must myself present you, another time, with my ideas on this +subject, handling the matter in the Aristotelian mode, and dividing my +_tails_ into _heads_. + +With respect to the tail of a comic sonnet, it may be briefly remarked, +that its comicality (of course I speak with reference to the Italian +models) arises in a great measure from the stumbling of the little +line, which always comes limping after the long one, as if something +were forgotten to be said in it, which the little one thus breathlessly +comes to adjoin; and then a succession of these _quasi_ oversights +makes us laugh, alternately at the seeming blunder and at the funny +haste with which it is redressed. Or it is like an orator in his cups, +speaking fairly enough his _prepared_ speech; but then--encouraged by +applause--spoiling all with drunken additions _ex tempore_. + +[87] I understand that the distinguished writer mentioned below as +having first pointed attention to Milton's comic sonnet, had also in MS. +some specimen of his own composing. + + + + + HANDY ANDY.--No. III. + +Squire Egan was as good as his word. He picked out the most suitable +horsewhip for chastising the fancied impertinence of Murtough Murphy; +and as he switched it up and down with a powerful arm, to try its weight +and pliancy, the whistling of the instrument through the air was music +to his ears, and whispered of promised joy in the flagellation of the +jocular attorney. + +"We'll see who can make the sorest blister," said the squire. "I'll back +whalebone against Spanish flies any day. Will you bet, Dick?" said he to +his brother-in-law, who was a wild helter-skelter sort of fellow, better +known over the country as Dick the Devil than Dick Dawson. + +"I'll back your bet, Ned." + +"There's no fun in that, Dick, as there is nobody to take it up." + +"Maybe Murtough will. Ask him before you thrash him; you'd better." + +"As for _him_," said the squire, "I'll be bound he'll back my bet after +he gets a taste o' this;" and the horsewhip whistled as he spoke. + +"I think he had better take care of his back than his bet," said Dick, +as he followed the squire to the hall-door, where his horse was in +waiting for him, under the care of the renowned Andy, who little dreamed +the extensive harvest of mischief which was ripening in futurity, all +from his sowing. + +"Don't kill him quite, Ned," said Dick, as the squire mounted to his +saddle. + +"Why, if I went to horsewhip a gentleman, of course I should only shake +my whip at him; but an attorney is another affair. And, as I'm sure +he'll have an action against me for assault, I think I may as well get +the worth o' my money out of him, to say nothing of teaching him better +manners for the future than to play off his jokes on his employers." +With these words, off he rode in search of the devoted Murtough, who was +not at home when the squire reached his house; but, as he was returning +through the village, he espied him coming down the street in company +with Tom Durfy and the widow, who were laughing heartily at some joke +Murtough was telling them, which seemed to amuse him as much as his +hearers. + +"I'll make him laugh at the wrong side of his mouth," thought the +squire, alighting and giving his horse to the care of one of the little +ragged boys who were idling in the street. He approached Murphy with a +very threatening aspect, and, confronting him and his party so as to +produce a halt, he said, as distinctly as his rage would permit him to +speak, "You little insignificant blackguard, I'll teach you how you'll +cut your jokes on _me_ again; _I'll_ blister you, my buck!" and, laying +hands on the astonished Murtough with the last word, he began a very +smart horsewhipping of the attorney. The widow screamed, Tom Durfy +swore, and Murtough roared, with some interjectional curses. At last he +escaped from the squire's grip, leaving the lappel of his coat in his +possession; and Tom Durfy interposed his person between them when he +saw an intention on the part of the flagellator to repeat his dose of +horsewhip. + +"Let me at him, sir; or by----" + +"Fie, fie, squire--to horsewhip a gentleman like a cart-horse." + +"A gentleman!--an attorney you mean." + +"I say a gentleman, Squire Egan," cried Murtough fiercely, roused to +gallantry by the presence of a lady, and smarting under a sense of +injury and whalebone. "I'm a gentleman, sir, and demand the satisfaction +of a gentleman. I put my honour in your hands, Mr. Durfy." + +"Between his finger and thumb you mean, for there's not a handful of +it," said the squire. + +"Well, sir," replied Tom Durfy, "little or much, I'll take charge of +it.--That's right, my cock," said he to Murtough, who, notwithstanding +his desire to assume a warlike air, could not resist the natural impulse +of rubbing his back and shoulders, which tingled with pain, while he +exclaimed "Satisfaction! satisfaction!" + +"Very well," said the squire: "you name yourself as Mr. Murphy's +friend?" added he to Durfy. + +"The same, sir," said Tom. "Who do you name as yours?" + +"I suppose you know one Dick the Divil." + +"A very proper person, sir;--no better: I'll go to him directly." + +The widow clung to Tom's arm, and, looking tenderly at him, cried "Oh, +Tom, Tom, take care of your precious life!" + +"Bother!" said Tom. + +"Ah, Squire Egan, don't be so bloodthirsty!" + +"Fudge, woman!" said the squire. + +"Ah, Mr. Murphy, I'm sure the squire's very sorry for beating you." + +"Divil a bit," said the squire. + +"There, ma'am," said Murphy; "you see he'll make no apology." + +"Apology!" said Durfy;--"apology for a horsewhipping, indeed!--Nothing +but handing a horsewhip (which I wouldn't ask any gentleman to do), or a +shot can settle the matter." + +"Oh, Tom! Tom! Tom!" said the widow. + +"Ba! ba! ba!" shouted Tom, making a crying face at her. "Arrah, woman, +don't be makin' a fool o' yourself. Go in there to the 'pothecary's, and +get something under your nose to revive you; and let _us_ mind _our_ +business." + +The widow, with her eyes turned up, and an exclamation to Heaven, was +retiring to M'Garry's shop wringing her hands, when she was nearly +knocked down by M'Garry himself, who rushed from his own door, at the +same moment that an awful smash of his shop-window, and the demolition +of his blue and red bottles, alarmed the ears of the bystanders, while +their eyes were drawn from the late belligerent parties to a chase which +took place down the street, of the apothecary roaring "Murder!" followed +by Squire O'Grady with an enormous cudgel. + +O'Grady, believing that M'Garry and the nurse-tender had combined to +serve him with a writ, determined to wreak double vengeance on the +apothecary, as the nurse had escaped him; and, notwithstanding all +the appeals of his poor frightened wife, he left his bed, and rode to +the village to "break every bone in M'Garry's skin." When he entered +the shop, the pharmacopolist was much surprised, and said, with a +congratulatory grin at the great man, "Dear me, Squire O'Grady, I'm +delighted to see you." + +"Are you, you scoundrel!" said the squire, making a blow of his cudgel +at him, which was fended by an iron pestle the apothecary fortunately +had in his hand. The enraged O'Grady made a rush behind the counter, +which the apothecary nimbly jumped over, crying "Murder!" as he made for +the door, followed by his pursuer, who gave a back-handed slap at the +window-bottles _en passant_, and produced the crash which astonished the +widow, who now joined her screams to the general hue-and-cry; for an +indiscriminate chase of all the ragamuffins in the town, with barking +curs and screeching children, followed the flight of M'Garry and the +pursuing squire. + +"What the divil is all this about?" said Tom Durfy, laughing. "By the +powers! I suppose there's something in the weather to produce all this +fun,--though it's early in the year yet to begin thrashing, for the +harvest isn't in yet. But, however, let us manage our little affair, +now that we're left in peace and quietness, for the blackguards are all +over the bridge afther the hunt. I'll go to Dick the Divil immediately, +squire, and arrange time and place." + +"There's nothing like saving time and trouble on these occasions," said +the squire. "Dick is at my house, I can arrange time and place with you +this minute, and he will be on the ground with me." + +"Very well," said Tom; "where is it to be?" + +"Suppose we say the cross-roads halfway between this and Merryvale. +There's very pretty ground there, and we shall be able to get our +pistols, and all that, ready in the mean time between this and four +o'clock,--and it will be pleasanter to have it all over before dinner." + +"Certainly, squire," said Tom Durfy; "we'll be there at four.--Till +then, good morning, squire;" and he and his man walked off; Tom having +left the widow under the care of the apothecary's boy, who was applying +asafoetida and other sweet-smelling things to the alleviation of the +faintings which the widow thought it proper and delicate to enact on the +occasion. + +The squire rode immediately homewards, and told Dick Dawson the piece of +work that was before them. + +"And so he'll have a shot at you, instead of an action," said Dick. +"Well, there's pluck in that: I wish he was more of a gentleman for your +sake. It's dirty work shooting attorneys." + +"He's enough of a gentleman, Dick, to make it impossible for me to +refuse him." + +"Certainly, Ned," said Dick. + +"Do you know is he anything of a shot?" + +"Faith, he makes very pretty snipe-shooting; but I don't know if he has +experience of the grass before breakfast." + +"You must try and find out from any one on the ground; because, if the +poor divil isn't a good shot, I wouldn't like to kill him, and I'll let +him off easy--I'll give it to him in the pistol-arm, or so." + +"Very well, Ned. Where are the flutes? I must look over them." + +"Here," said the squire, producing a very handsome mahogany case of +Rigby's best. Dick opened the case with the utmost care, and took up +one of the pistols tenderly, handling it as delicately as if it were a +young child or a lady's hand. He clicked the lock back and forwards a +few times; and, his ear not being satisfied at the music it produced, he +said he should like to examine them: "At all events, they want a touch +of oil." + +"Well, keep them out of the misthriss's sight, Dick, for she might be +alarmed." + +"Divil a taste," says Dick; "she's a Dawson, and there never was a +Dawson yet that did not know men must be men." + +"That's true, Dick. I wouldn't mind so much if she wasn't in a delicate +situation just now, when it couldn't be expected of the woman to be so +stout: so go, like a good fellow, into your own room, and Andy will +bring you anything you want." + +Five minutes after, Dick was engaged in cleaning the duelling-pistols, +and Andy at his elbow, with his mouth wide open, wondering at the +interior of the locks which Dick had just taken off. + +"Oh, my heavens! but that's a quare thing, Misther Dick, sir," said +Andy, going to take it up. + +"Keep your fingers off it, you thief, do!" roared Dick, making a rap of +the turnscrew at Andy's knuckles. + +"Sure I'll save you the throuble o' rubbin' that, Misther Dick, if you +let me; here's the shabby leather." + +"I wouldn't let your clumsy fist near it, Andy, nor your _shabby_ +leather, you villain, for the world. Go get me some oil." + +Andy went on his errand, and returned with a can of lamp-oil to Dick, +who swore at him for his stupidity: "The divil fly away with you; you +never do anything right; you bring me lamp-oil for a pistol." + +"Well, sure I thought lamp-oil was the right thing for burnin'." + +"And who wants to burn it, you savage?" + +"Aren't you goin' to fire it, sir?" + +"Choke you, you vagabond!" said Dick, who could not resist laughing, +nevertheless; "be off, and get me some sweet oil, but don't tell any one +what it's for." + +Andy retired, and Dick pursued his polishing of the locks. Why he used +such a blundering fellow as Andy for a messenger might be wondered at, +only that Dick was fond of fun, and Andy's mistakes were a particular +source of amusement to him, and on all occasions when he could have +Andy in his company he made him his attendant. When the sweet oil was +produced, Dick looked about for a feather; but, not finding one, desired +Andy to fetch him a pen. Andy went on his errand, and returned, after +some delay, with an ink-bottle. + +"I brought you the ink, sir, but I can't find a pin." + +"Confound your numskull! I didn't say a word about ink; I asked for a +pen." + +"And what use would a pin be without ink, now I ax yourself, Misther +Dick?" + +"I'd knock your brains out if you had any, you _omadhaun_! Go along and +get me a feather, and make haste." + +Andy went off, and, having obtained a feather, returned to Dick, who +began to tip certain portions of the lock very delicately with oil. + +"What's that for, Misther Dick, sir, if you plaze?" + +"To make it work smooth." + +"And what's that thing you're grazin' now, sir?" + +"That's the tumbler." + +"O Lord! a tumbler--what a quare name for it. I thought there was no +tumbler but a tumbler for punch." + +"That's the tumbler you would like to be cleaning the inside of, Andy." + +"Thrue for you, sir.--And what's that little thing you have your hand on +now, sir?" + +"That's the cock." + +"Oh dear, a cock!--Is there e'er a hin in it, sir?" + +"No, nor a chicken either, though there _is_ a feather." + +"The one in your hand, sir, that you're grazin' it with." + +"No: but this little thing--this is called the feather-spring." + +"It's the feather, I suppose, makes it let fly." + +"No doubt of it, Andy." + +"Well, there's some sinse in that name, then; but who'd think of sitch +a thing as a tumbler and a cock in a pistle? And what's that place that +opens and shuts, sir?" + +"The pan." + +"Well, there's sinse in that name too, bekaze there's fire in the thing; +and it's as nath'ral to say pan to that as to a fryin'-pan--isn't it, +Misther Dick?" + +"Oh! there was a great gunmaker lost in you, Andy," said Dick, as he +screwed on the locks, which he had regulated to his mind, and began to +examine the various departments of the pistol-case, to see that it was +properly provided. He took the instrument to cut some circles of thin +leather, and Andy again asked him for the name "o' _that_ thing." + +"This is called the punch, Andy." + +"So, there _is_ the punch as well as the tumbler, sir?" + +"Ay, and very strong punch it is, you see, Andy;" and Dick struck it +with his little mahogany mallet, and cut his patches of leather. + +"And what's that for, sir?--the leather, I mane." + +"That's for putting round the ball." + +"Is it for fear 'twould hurt him too much when you hot him?" + +"You're a queer customer, Andy," said Dick, smiling. + +"And what weeshee little balls thim is, sir." + +"They are always small for duelling-pistols." + +"Oh, then _thim_ is jewellin' pistles. Why, musha, Misther Dick, is +it goin' to fight a jule you are?" said Andy, looking at him with +earnestness. + +"No, Andy,--but the master is; but don't say a word about it." + +"Not a word for the world. The masther goin' to fight!--God send him +safe out iv it!--Amin. And who is he going to fight, Misther Dick?" + +"Murphy the attorney, Andy." + +"Oh, won't the masther disgrace himself by fightin' the 'torney?" + +"How dare you say such a thing of your master?" + +"I ax your pard'n, Misther Dick; but sure you know what I mane.--I hope +he'll shoot him." + +"Why, Andy, Murtough was always very good to you, and now you wish him +to be shot." + +"Sure, why wouldn't I rather have him kilt more than the masther?" + +"But neither may be killed." + +"Misther Dick," said Andy, lowering his voice, "wouldn't it be an +iligant thing to put two balls into the pistle instid o' one, and give +the masther a chance over the 'torney?" + +"Oh, you murdherous villain!" + +"Arrah, why shouldn't the masther have a chance over him? sure he has +childre, and 'Torney Murphy has none." + +"At that rate, Andy, I suppose you'd give the master a ball additional +for every child he has, and that would make eight. So, you might as well +give him a blunderbuss and slugs at once." + +Dick locked the pistol-case, having made all right; and desired Andy to +mount a horse, carry it by a back road out of the domain, and wait at a +certain gate he named until he should be joined there by himself and the +squire, who proceeded at the appointed time to the ground. + +Andy was all ready, and followed his master and Dick with great pride, +bearing the pistol-case after them to the ground, where Murphy and Tom +Durfy were ready to receive them, and a great number of spectators were +assembled; for the noise of the business had gone abroad, and the ground +was in consequence crowded. + +Tom Durfy had warned Murtough Murphy, who had no experience as a +pistol-man, that the squire was a capital shot, and that his only chance +was to fire as quickly as he could.--"Slap at him, Morty, my boy, the +minute you get the word; and, if you don't hit him itself, it will +prevent his dwelling on his aim." + +Tom Durfy and Dick the Devil soon settled the preliminaries of the +ground and mode of firing; and twelve paces having been marked, both the +seconds opened their pistol-cases, and prepared to load. Andy was close +to Dick all the time, kneeling beside the pistol-case, which lay on the +sod; and, as Dick turned round to settle some other point on which Tom +Durfy questioned him, Andy thought he might snatch the opportunity of +giving his master "the chance" he suggested to his second.--"Sure, if +Misther Dick wouldn't like to do it, that's no raison I wouldn't," said +Andy to himself; "and, by the powers! I'll pop in a ball _onknownst_ to +him." And, sure enough, Andy contrived, while the seconds were engaged +with each other, to put a ball into each pistol before the barrel was +loaded with powder, so that, when Dick took up his pistols to load, +a bullet lay between the powder and the touch-hole. Now this must +have been discovered by Dick, had he been cool; but he and Tom Durfy +had wrangled very much about the point they had been discussing, and +Dick, at no time the quietest person in the world, was in such a rage, +that the pistols were loaded by him without noticing Andy's ingenious +interference, and he handed a harmless weapon to his brother-in-law when +he placed him on his ground. + +The word was given. Murtough, following his friend's advice, fired +instantly: bang he went, while the squire returned but a flash in +the pan. He turned a look of reproach upon Dick, who took the pistol +silently from him, and handed him the other, having carefully looked to +the priming, after the accident which happened to the first. + +Durfy handed his man another pistol also; and, before he left his side, +said in a whisper, "Don't forget; have the first fire." + +Again the word was given: Murphy blazed away a rapid and harmless shot; +for his hurry was the squire's safety, while Andy's murderous intentions +were his salvation. + +"D--n the pistol!" said the squire, throwing it down in a rage. Dick +took it up with manifest indignation, and d--d the powder. + +"Your powder's damp, Ned." + +"No, it's not," said the squire; "it's you who have bungled the loading." + +"Me!" said Dick, with a look of mingled rage and astonishment: "_I_ +bungle the loading of pistols!--_I_ that have stepped more ground and +arranged more affairs than any man in the county!--Arrah, be aisy, Ned!" + +Tom Durfy now interfered, and said, for the present it was no matter, +as, on the part of his friend, he begged to express himself satisfied. + +"But it's very hard we're not to have a shot," said Dick, poking the +touch-hole of the pistol with a pricker which he had just taken from the +case which Andy was holding before him. + +"Why, my dear Dick," said Durfy, "as Murphy has had two shots, and the +squire has not had the return of either, he declares he will not fire at +him again; and, under these circumstances, I must take my man off the +ground." + +"Very well," said Dick, still poking the touch-hole, and examining the +point of the pricker as he withdrew it. + +"And now Murphy wants to know, since the affair is all over and his +honour satisfied, what was your brother-in-law's motive in assaulting +him this morning, for he himself cannot conceive a cause for it." + +"Oh, be _aisy_, Tom." + +"'Pon my soul, it's true." + +"Why, he sent him a blister,--a regular apothecary's blister,--instead +of some law-process, by way of a joke, and Ned wouldn't stand it." + +Durfy held a moment's conversation with Murphy, who now advanced to +the squire, and begged to assure him there must be some mistake in the +business, for that he had never committed the impertinence of which he +was accused. + +"All I know is," said the squire, "that I got a blister, which my +messenger said you gave him." + +"By virtue of my oath, squire, I never did it! I gave Andy an enclosure +of the law-process." + +"Then it's some mistake that vagabond has made," said the squire. "Come +here, you sir!" he shouted to Andy, who was trembling under the angry +eye of Dick the Devil, who, having detected a bit of lead on the point +of the pricker, guessed in a moment Andy had been at work; and the +unfortunate rascal had a misgiving that he had made some blunder, from +the furious look of Dick. + +"Why don't you come here when I call you?" said the squire.--Andy laid +down the pistol-case, and sneaked up to the squire.--"What did you do +with the letter Mr. Murphy gave you for me yesterday?" + +"I brought it to your honour." + +"No, you didn't," said Murphy. "You've made some mistake." + +"Divil a mistake I made," answered Andy very stoutly; "I wint home the +minit you give it to me." + +"Did you go home direct from my house to the squire's?" + +"Yis, sir, I did: I wint direct home, and called at Mr. M'Garry's by the +way for some physic for the childre." + +"That's it!" said Murtough; "he changed my enclosure for a blister +there; and if M'Garry has only had the luck to send the bit o' parchment +to O'Grady, it will be the best joke I've heard this month of Sundays." + +"He did! he did!" shouted Tom Durfy; "for don't you remember how O'Grady +was after M'Garry this morning." + +"Sure enough," said Murtough, enjoying the double mistake. "By dad! +Andy, you've made a mistake this time that I'll forgive you." + +"By the powers o' war!" roared Dick the Devil, "I won't forgive him +what he did now, though! What do you think?" said he, holding out the +pistols, and growing crimson with rage: "may I never fire another shot +if he hasn't crammed a brace of bullets down the pistols before I loaded +them: so, no wonder you burned prime, Ned." + +There was a universal laugh at Dick's expense, whose pride in being +considered the most accomplished regulator of the duello was well known. + +"Oh, Dick, Dick! you're a pretty second!" was shouted by all. + +Dick, stung by the laughter, and feeling keenly the ridiculous position +in which he was placed, made a rush at Andy, who, seeing the storm +brewing, gradually sneaked away from the group, and, when he perceived +the sudden movement of Dick the Devil, took to his heels, with Dick +after him. + +"Hurra!" cried Murphy; "a race--a race! I'll bet on Andy--five pounds on +Andy." + +"Done!" said the squire; "I'll back Dick the Divil." + +"Tare an' ouns!" roared Murphy; "how Andy runs! Fear's a fine spur." + +"So is rage," said the squire. "Dick's hot-foot after him. Will you +double the bet?" + +"Done!" said Murphy. + +The infection of betting caught the bystanders, and various gages were +thrown down and taken up upon the speed of the runners, who were getting +rapidly into the distance, flying over hedge and ditch with surprising +velocity, and, from the level nature of the ground, an extensive view +could not be obtained; therefore Tom Durfy, the steeple-chaser, cried +"Mount, mount! or we'll lose the fun: into our saddles, and after them!" + +Those who had steeds took the hint, and a numerous field of horsemen +joined in the chase of Handy Andy and Dick the Devil, who still +maintained great speed. The horsemen made for a neighbouring hill, +whence they could command a wider view; and the betting went on briskly, +varying according to the vicissitudes of the race. + +"Two to one on Dick--he's closing." + +"Done!--Andy will wind him yet." + +"Well done!--there's a leap! Hurra!--Dick's down! Well done, Dick!--up +again, and going." + +"Mind the next quickset hedge--that's a rasper; it's a wide gripe, and +the hedge is as thick as a wall--Andy'll stick in it.--Mind him!--Well +leap'd, by the powers!--Ha! he's sticking in the hedge--Dick'll catch +him now.--No, by jingo! he has pushed his way through--there he's +going again at the other side.--Ha! ha! ha! ha! look at him--he's in +tatthers!--he has left half of his breeches in the hedge." + +"Dick is over now.--Hurra!--he has lost the skirt of his coat--Andy is +gaining on him.--Two to one on Andy!" + +"Down he goes!" was shouted, as Andy's foot slipped in making a dash at +another ditch, into which he went head over heels, and Dick followed +fast, and disappeared after him. + +"Ride! ride!" shouted Tom Durfy, and the horsemen put their spurs in +the flanks of their steeds, and were soon up to the scene of action. +There was Andy roaring murder, rolling over and over in the muddy +bottom of a deep ditch, with Dick fastened on him, pummelling away most +unmercifully, but not able to kill him altogether for want of breath. + +The horsemen, in a universal _screech_ of laughter, dismounted, and +disengaged the unfortunate Andy from the fangs of Dick the Devil, who +was dragged from out of the ditch much more like a scavenger than a +gentleman. + +The moment Andy got loose, away he ran again, and never cried stop till +he earthed himself under his mother's bed in the parent cabin. + +The squire and Murtough Murphy shook hands, and parted friends in +half an hour after they had met as foes; end even Dick contrived +to forget his annoyance in an extra stoup of claret that day after +dinner,--filling more than one bumper in drinking _confusion_ to Handy +Andy, which seemed a rather unnecessary malediction. + + + + + EPIGRAM. + + On Easter Sunday, Lucy spoke, + And said, "A saint you might provoke, + Dear Sam, each day, since Monday last; + But now I see your rage is past." + Said Sam, "What Christian could be meek! + You know, my love, 'twas _Passion Week_; + And so, you see, the rage I've spent + Was not my own--'twas only _Lent_." + S. LOVER. + + + + + INTRODUCTION TO THE BIOGRAPHY OF MY AUNT JEMIMA, + THE POLITICAL ECONOMIST. + + BY FRIDOLIN. + + PRELIMINARY DISQUISITION ON HUMAN GREATNESS, + TOUCHING UPON THE TRUE PHILOSOPHY OF THE MATTER. + + "Some men are born great, + some acquire greatness, + and some have greatness thrust upon them." + +Thus read my aunt Jemima, and thus subsequently read I, in the +days of our respective and respectable minorities; but with this +difference--uncertain whether GREATNESS had not already clandestinely +made its _avatar_ into me at my birth, or whether it was destined +hereafter to yield coyly to my wooing, or would force me in future years +to cry in vain humility, "_Nolo magnificari_." I always felt confident +of eminence; whereas my aunt Jemima often feelingly reverted to the +misery of her young maidenly thoughts, when brooding over the certainty +that she could never, under any circumstances, become a "great man." + +"Great women" were unknown in her early days. There were no such things; +save and except such as might be seen at St. Bartholomew's fair at +inexpensive cost,--giantesses, who lowered themselves to gain a living +by their height. But my aunt Jemima valued not such feminine _greatness_ +as theirs. Her aspiring spirit looked not "to _measures_, but to men." +Our notions change! + +It is very melancholy, and rather inconvenient, to drag through the last +and heaviest stage of life a martyr to a marvel. + +Horace, who forbids all wise men to wonder, himself exhibited a +thriftless want of economy in the expenditure of his own wonder when he +marvelled, in excellent metre, that any man should eat garlic who had +not murdered his father; and also, that any mortal should have dared to +venture on the sea before the discovery of Kyan's anti-dry-rot patent. + +Nor can I much sympathise in the great marvel of that renowned French +statesman, of esculent memory, who professed himself unable to discover +any principle in nature, or in philosophy, that could explain how a +certain Duke of Thuringia, passing through Strasburg on a diplomatic +mission, should not have stopped to dine, _en hâte, de foie gras_. +As for the "three, yea four," curious problems of olden time, which +consumed the wise king with their inexplicability, they are as clear +to modern apprehensions as plate-glass: nay, as my aunt Jemima used +to observe, in the days when glory and greatness had come upon +her,--"Thanks be praised!" (My aunt was a religious woman, and guarded +herself from profane expressions.)--"Thanks be praised! owing to the +enlightenment of the age in which we live, even in those seven wonders +of the world there is nothing so very wonderful now." There can be no +objection on my part to allow that eclipses were pretty marvellous +transactions as long as they occurred in consequence of a bilious dragon +needing a pill, and bolting the sun to correct digestion; but ever since +dragons have adopted a different treatment, and abandoned the solar +bolus, this phenomenon has subsided into one of common-place pretension. +The age of wonders, like the New Marriage-act, has passed. + +But one wonder--single, solitary, omnipotent--oppresses me. It is, that +mankind, from ignorance of the meaning of true greatness, lay themselves +open to perpetual insult,--nay, court it. Do we not lie down patiently +as lambs, and bear impertinent biographies to be thrust before our eyes +of persons who are facetiously termed _great_? Great! implying, in a +paltry and indifferently disguised innuendo, that you, the reader, are +of course small,--stunted, as it were, in intellectual growth,--an +under-shrub,--a dwarf specimen. Without being in any way consulted in a +matter, or examined, or probed, to see what stuff may be in you, it is +taken for granted that the world has already made its odious comparisons +between your unobtrusive self and its GREAT MAN; and that, with the +promptness of a police magistrate, it has summarily decided against +you; that you, without knowing it, have been weighed in the scales and +found wanting; have flown upwards as a feather, have kicked the beam, +have moved lighter than a balloon textured of gossamer and inflated with +rarefied essence of hydrogen: a very pretty and gratifying assumption! + +Our primitive lessons in emulation generally consist, in great part, in +a series of these insults. + +The chubby little fellow, bribed to undergo the advantages of +scholarship by tardy permission to harass his young nether limbs with +trousers, usually of nankeen, finds himself immediately exhorted to +strive, in order that in time he may become a GREAT man. He images the +vague outline of a human mammoth, and sits down with scanty hope of +modelling himself accordingly. In the pride and pomp of baby ambition he +yearns to rival in stature and girth the sons of Amalek. He is small, +and perfectly conscious that he is so; but frets to exchange his little +pulpy fingers for a sinewy fist that can shake a weaver's beam: he +meditates upon great men as pumpkins, compared with which he is but a +gooseberry. He is not taught, by way of softening the injury done him by +an unnecessary contrast, that the one may be full of sweetness as the +other of insipidity. + +He waxes in years and amplitude: still hears he of that obtrusive +department in natural history, the GREAT men. He thinks not of them +as before; he no longer deems their greatness to consist in the +mere admeasurement of their cubic contents, as in the days of his +young innocence, when an extensive pudding would, in his ceremonial, +have taken precedence of name and fame. He now understands, and, by +understanding, suffers the more acutely under the impertinence. If acts +of valour and command, or of senatorial display,--if a tyranny over +empires, or mighty influence over the minds and feelings of successive +generations,--if literary renown or public benefaction constitute +greatness, he is himself of most diminutive dimensions. He knows it. He +never for a moment dreamed of denying it. He has enjoyed no scope for +being otherwise. He is perfectly aware of the fact, and would at once +have admitted it. He needs not to have it perpetually pushed into his +face, and thrust before his eyes to glare at him. The pauper feels that +he is not one of the wealthy ones of the earth, without being reminded +at every instant of the incurious circumstance by some rich bullionist +shaking his pockets that the wretch may hear the voice of the gold +jingling. His memory requires not to be so jogged on the subject. He +recognises the truth of his meagre estate, and derives not a whit of +pleasure from such external corroboration. It is an insult; and any +raciness or merit of originality in it is altogether lost upon him. The +wit is purely thrown away. + +How fares the boy when, like his primal sire, "he stands erect a man?" +and in what spirit does he study the philosophy of "greatness?" He may +bethink him of the false fruiterer's melon, how it lay on the stall, its +sunny side laughing and coquetting with the eye of the wayfarer,--its +rottenness and unsavoury portion in retirement and unseen below. He +discovers that the "great" are gigantic in one line, but that "the line +upon line" is not their predicate; in some matters they may perchance +be far smaller than their neighbours. He is no longer the boy without +experience of others, or the child who interprets literally; he measures +not the monsters by his own standard; he endeavours not to poise them +by his own weight,--with his own girth to buckle their circumference: +his acquaintance serve his turn; society establishes and confirms his +experience, that an average sprinkling of inherent "greatness" may be +detected in all, though the world hath not cared to trumpet it. + +It becomes of difficult endurance to see our intimates thrust, as +it were, on one side,--morally cast into the mire,--their qualities +trampled as by heels. It mars our equability to find our friends in +intellectual, philosophical, or worldly utility insinuated as no +better than they should be,--to hear them classed as of the herd, +essentially and merely gregarious,--vague portions of an unmeritorious +whole,--negative existences, positive only in combination,--cyphers +without value, that multiply but by relative position. Whereas in our +young days we felt personally insulted by contrast with your "great +men," in maturity we resent the impertinence as offered to our friends; +for in our friends we can trace a "greatness," although the thing +may not have been blazoned. Even in a man's household shall he see +greatness, though it be obscure; and he shall discover that, whilst it +is true that no man is "great to his valet," the comfortable conundrum +is equally demonstrable, that ALL are GREAT. Your groom shall indite +you verses that shall stir the hearts and haunt the dreams of your +village maidens--will they compare Homer to him?--and your cook-maid +shall be no small domestic oracle on the unfathomable mysteries of +phrenology--what cares she for Combe and Spurzheim? Who lives, while yet +his father lives, that does not hear the old man "great" in prophecy on +the coming "crisis," and rich and ponderous upon the currency question? +Who, in the book of the generations of his family, might not inscribe +the name of some brother, a mighty man of valour, great amongst his +playmates; or a sister, whose attire has given tone for a season to +an emulous neighbourhood? And then, in the nineteenth century, who +possesses not "great" uncles, who during the war have swayed, although +unknown, victories by their strategy or disciplined obedience; or, +in more peaceful triumph, have mightily influenced the election of a +candidate by the despotism of their oratory? Of aunts--maiden ones--it +needs not to speak. They are of the fortunate who require not greatness +to be "thrust upon them." Of them it is safely assumed, that they are +"born great" prospectively. This privilege however, is guaranteed to +the "maiden" only; for marriage absorbs the bride into unity with her +combined-separate--and "the crown of a good wife is her husband." + +Your village oracle, seated on his throne--the old oaken bench under +the village elm-tree, after his weekly labours, on the Saturday night +embalming his tongue in the aroma of the fragrant weed, and bribing his +lips into complacent humour by sips from the chirping old October, is +truly _great_. He is surrounded by listeners who love to pay homage to +his power. Whilst he whiffs, they consult him on great interests,--it +may be respecting the destiny of nations, or the desolating march of +hostile armies,--it may be on the devastations of the turnip-fly. +He lays his pipe aside; his words issue, like the syllables of the +Pythoness, in the midst of fragrant fumes. They fix at once the +unsettled,--they establish the doubtful,--they convict the speculative. + +On points of international law, Puffendorf and Grotius would shrink into +nut-shells before him; they would discover their littleness: yet some +deem _them_ great! + +Bilious disputants may deny that any can be great whom the world has not +thought fit to canonise. "Indeed!" do I reply with the sarcastic smile +of superiority with which it is customary to spill the arguments of men +of straw whom controversialists set up for the sake of knocking down +again--"Indeed! Were the Andes a whit smaller before their exact height +was proclaimed to the same arrogant world? Was not the moon as great a +ball in the days when the world esteemed it a green cheese, as it is +now, when men are acquainted with its diameter?" + +"Ay," may reply my subtle disputant; "but these are physical facts, +independent of opinion: mental, moral, social greatness, are widely +different. They have no altitudes subject to trigonometrical survey by +an ordnance-board like the Andes; they admit not of parallax, like the +planets. Master Fridolin, your illustrations are no more worth than the +kernel of a vicious nut." + +"What!" I answer, "you want a metaphysical instance, do you? Physics +are too coarse. Well, sir, '_Magna est veritas_--Truth is great,'--that +is to say, your canoniser, the _world_ say so. Now, pray, what does the +world, much more a man of straw, know about truth? Confessedly less than +it knows about my groom, who is _great_ in poetry,--my cook-maid, who is +_great_ in phrenology,--my father, who is _great_ on those hobgoblins +the coming crises; and, let me say, amazingly less than it knows, or +will know, of my aunt Jemima, who was _great_ in political economy; let +alone our village oracle, who is regarded, pipe and all, as _great_ by +a larger portion of the inhabitants of the _world_ than can boast any +intimate acquaintance with abstract verity. + +"And now, man of straw! a word in your ear:--unless you are dull in +grain, methinks you will admit yourself answered." + +No fallacy is more palpable when examined, and, consequently, none is +more preposterous, than that of connecting GREATNESS with the _world's_ +applause; yet for this, men fume and fret, struggle and strive, elbow +their neighbours, and tread on their own bunnions, forgetting that they +might be quite as _great_ if they would only be quiet; nay, that their +chance of being so, without exertion, lies, according to Shakspeare's +nice and accurate calculation, in the very comfortable proportion of +two to one in their favour. Two GREAT men out of every three, find +themselves so, without the least trouble on their own parts. They are +born so, or their greatness "is thrust upon them." They have nothing +to do in life but to button in the morning, unbutton at night, sip, +masticate, and sleep, if their conscience and digestion will permit: +they find themselves not a whit less great. The third alone--the "odd +one"--acquires GREATNESS; and "odd" enough it is, to discover a sample +of this meagre class. + +But the case may be settled to mathematical certainty. Statistical +inquirers--men, the breath of whose nostrils are the bills of +mortality--have discovered that a tenth part of all men born into the +world die and are buried before one brief year has passed. It follows, +therefore, as a corollary, that of those "born great" a great proportion +die _great_ when extremely little. Their nurses see one tenth of all +"the great men" born, fade and expire, hydrocephalic or rickety, ere +their tendencies and tastes have toddled beyond the pap-boat. What +does the world know about this evanescent tenth? What does mankind +trouble about the grave offence of the sepulchre in seizing and gobbling +up annually these great and small tithes? What say they against its +appropriating clause? Why, the world is clearly ignorant of the departed +great ones,--the buried little ones; yet their greatness is indisputable. + +The true philosophy of the matter, is the philosophy of the matters +herein set forth; and, in her latter days, my aunt Jemima acknowledged +it, for she felt it. There were no great women when she was youthful; +but she lived to perceive greatness come upon her. It was not thrust--it +was inherent: but it took time and acted leisurely in developing +itself. It was not a creation or an acquisition, but a developement, an +exudation of that which would _out_,--_nolens volens_. + +The real truth is this,--_All_ under circumstances are great, although +few are aware that they are so. Celebrity has nothing to do with the +affair; it may proclaim the fact, but does not constitute it;--as will +hereafter be shown in the instance of my aunt Jemima. + F. HARRISON RANKIN. + + + + + SCENES IN THE LIFE OF A GAMBLER. + + "Lasciate ogni speranza voi che entrate." + +Paris!--there was once a magic in the name--a music in the sound. +"Paris!" how often said I to myself when in another quarter of the +globe, "Yes, I will one day visit thee--will revive the memory of +the great events of which thou hast been the arena--thy Fronde--the +League--the Revolution--the Cent Jours--the history of thy chivalrous +François--thy noble-minded Henri--the Grand Monarque--the witty and +profligate Regent--thy unfortunate Louis, and still more pitiable +Empereur;--and then, the Gallery of the Louvre--the Museum of the +Luxembourg--Versailles--St. Cloud--the Tuileries!" My dream was about to +be realised. + +I was then in my twenty-fifth year. I had health--a sufficiency of the +goods of fortune to purchase the enjoyment of the moderate pleasures +of life. My person and manners were agreeable; my acquirements greater +then those of most of my college contemporaries; and the fine arts were +"my passion and my enjoyment." All these advantages, with a pardonable +egotism, I had been canvassing during my solitary journey (solitary? +no, my mind was occupied with the most enchanting reveries--the most +intoxicating visions) from which I was only awakened at the barrier +of Montmartre. How my heart beat with delight as, from the eminence +that overlooks the city, I beheld its spires, and domes, and houses, +huddled in the vaporous gloom of an evening in May! The day had been +a glorious one; the air breathed balm. My caleche was open; and four +posters whirled me rapidly through the Boulevards, and entered the +gateway of the Hotel des Princes in the Rue Richelieu. This street was, +as all who are acquainted with it, know, the centre and focus of the +fashion,--the life and motion of Paris, and of the foreigners who then +flocked to it from all parts of Europe, (for it was the third year of +the Restoration,) and had caught some of the volatile spirit of its +mercurial people. + +Times and dynasties change. Politics, that many-headed monster, now +reigns supreme. Instead of the goddess Pleasure,--at whose shrine +all sacrificed,--they have set up the Gorgon of parties. The army is +no "état"--the church is no "état." It is become a city of national +guards--reviewed by a king, with his three sons,--a family marked for +assassination. There is no court--no _ancienne noblesse_. Everywhere +distress and misery, hate and calumny, persecution and imprisonment, +ruin, the grippe, and bankruptcy. Such is a picture of the Paris of 1837. + +But I was in the Rue Richelieu--the great artery of the life's blood +of Paris. From it, as from a floodgate, rushed along in conflicting +eddies, sweeping like a torrent, a crowd in quest of pleasure. Some +were hurrying to the gaming-houses; some _aux Italiens_, to the Ambigu, +of the Varietés, and the different theatres; others to the Palais +Royal, which in its magic circle comprehends all that vice or luxury +can invent to seduce the imagination or gratify the sense; then to +Tortoni's, or the innumerable cafés, there to enjoy the _al fresco_ of +the Boulevards Italiens seated under the trees, or to mingle with the +multitude, chatting, laughing, or whispering in delighted ears under the +well-lighted avenue of elms that had just put forth their young leaves. +I made one of the throng, and would that _Armida_ Paris had had no worse +enchantments--no more seductive pleasures. Alas! what have I now to do +with them?--they have lost their charm. My hair is grey,--my heart is +withered! + +But I anticipate. + +What do the phrenologists mean, by not having assigned to their chart +of the skull a place for play? Gall, during his long practice in Paris, +might surely have discovered it; for, of all people, the Parisians have +this passion the most strongly developed. It is common, indeed, to the +most savage, as well as the most civilised nations; for I have seen +the Hindu strip himself naked, and bet at chukra the last rag in his +possession; the African stakes his wife and children; but our neighbours +may plunge their families, to the third and fourth generation, in misery +and destitution. The pauper sells his only bed: the cradle of his child. +The manufacturer takes to the Mont de Pieté his tools; steals those of +his employers. The diplomatist and the figurante, the financier and the +mendicant, all fall down before one idol--a Moloch worse than that of +the Valley of Gehenna--a monster without pity or remorse, who delights +in the tears, and groans, and gnashings of teeth of his votaries, nor +quits his prey till he tracks them to the Morgue--name of horrid sound! +and yet, the last refuge and sole resting-place of his infatuated +victims. + +How easy it is to moralise! I should like to know if I always had this +infernal bias, or if it was engrafted in me, or whether I was seized +at that time with the general epidemy, taking the infection, like the +cholera, from those about me, or from the air which I was respiring. Oh, +worse than wind-walking pestilence is play! It has a subtle poison, and +more kinds of death; no, not death! for, _I_ live,--if dying from day to +day can be called life. + +The first weeks of my _séjour_ passed like days, nay hours; but I did +not confine myself to Paris itself. Few foreigners, or even natives, +know the beauty of the environs. These were the scenes of my rides by +day. In the evening I assisted at some French _réunion_, or mixed in +the _soirées_ of our own country; frequented the Opera Italienne, where +not a note is lost: and such notes!--for Pasta was the prima donna. +Being "_un peu friand_," I frequently dined at the Rocher de Concal. I +mention that restaurant because I have reason to remember it. The Rocher +de Concal boasts none of the magnificence of Very's, or Beauvilliers. +The entrance is encumbered with the shells of the _huitres d'Ostende_, +the most delicious of oysters. The rooms are not much larger than boxes +at the opera; but they enclose a world of fun. The rustling of silk is +often heard there, and one meets in the narrow passages veiled forms +hastening to some mysterious rendezvous. + +It was here that I became acquainted with the Prince M----. His was a +fatal initial; and might have reminded me of what he proved to be,--my +Mephistophiles! M---- was one of those princes that "_fourmillent_" in +all the capitals of Europe. He was about thirty years of age. His figure +was tall, slight, and emaciated, and corresponded with his countenance, +that was of a paleness approaching to marble, and might be said to have +no expression, so complete a mastery had he obtained over his feelings. +His equipage had nothing at first sight remarkable. The cabriolet was of +a sombre colour, and the harness without ornaments; but the horse was +not to be matched for beauty and power. His dress seemed equally plain; +but, on closer inspection, you discovered it was of a studied elegance, +the colours being so well matched that the eye had nothing particular +on which to rest. He never was known to laugh, and seldom smiled; he +was rather cold, though not forbidding in his manners, and perfectly +indifferent whether he amused or not. He never spoke of the politics of +the day, of his domains, of his stud or family,--much less of himself, +his exploits, or his adventures. He never made an observation that was +worthy of being repeated, yet never said a foolish thing. With the sex +he was a great favourite, for he perfectly understood the science of +flattery; but it was with the utmost tact that he put it in requisition. +His address was perfect: he spoke French, and indeed several languages, +with that admirable choice of phrase for which the Russians are +remarkable. The sole occupation of his life was play; and to win or lose +seemed a matter of perfect indifference to him, whatever the stake. + +There was also of the party that day another foreigner, Baron A----, who +had been a Jew. He was his _compagnon de voyage_. Castor and Pollux were +not more inseparable. This _alter ego_ was a little man, with a grey eye +of singular archness, and a light moustache, as most Germans have. His +whole fortune consisted of five hundred louis, which he carried about +with him;--an excellent nest-egg; for he contrived to double annually +this poor capital. One year he was at Rome, another at Florence, a +third at Vienna--no; there he was too well known. A gambler, like a +prophet, has no honour in his own country. The last spring he had passed +in London, where, of course, be had the _entrée_ at Almack's, and now +opened the campaign under the most promising auspices at Paris. The +baron was a sort of lion's-provider--the pilot-fish of the shark. + +We separated at an early hour, and I afterwards met my new _friends_ +at an hotel in the Fauxbourg St. Honoré, where there was, as usual, an +écarté-table. Ecarté was then all the rage; though, like our all-fours, +it had originally been the game of the _peuple_, or rather in Paris of +the _laquais_. It is a game uniting skill and chance; but it is a game +of countenance; a game, also, in which the cards played with, being +fewer in number than at whist, it is no difficult matter to scratch an +important one, so as to know in time of need where to find it, or to +_sauter le coup_. That evening, for the first time, I was induced to +take a hand, and, in my innocence of such manoeuvres, wondered that my +opponent turned up the king so much oftener than myself. In time my eyes +were opened, and I discovered that other _tricheries_ were practicable. +For instance, one morning, after a ball given by an English lady, there +were found rolled up in one corner of the room two queens and a knave; +and, on examining the écarté packs, these were missing,--had literally +been discarded,--a circumstance which rendered the success of two +officers of the _garde de corps_, who cleaned out the party, by no means +problematical. But I was now initiated; and a witty writer says, + + "That where that pestilence, play, once leaves a taint, + It saps the bone, and pierces to the marrow, + And then 'tis easier to extract an arrow." + +How willing we all are to put off the evil moment: to string anecdote +on anecdote, and weave parenthesis in parenthesis, rather than come to +the point! Does it not remind us of the tricks of the wrestler to avoid +the grasp of his more powerful antagonist? But it must come: so let me +proceed with my confession. + +As I was leaving the room, the prince came up to me and said, "Demain +voulez-vous, Monsieur, être des notres?--There is a dinner at the +_salon_, and I will take you with me as my 'umbra,' and present you to +the Marquis--." In an evil hour I consented. + +The _maisons de jeu_ at Paris are farmed by a society, who purchase of +the government the privilege of opening a certain limited number--if I +remember right, five. In order to prevent unfair play, a _commis_ of +the police is in daily attendance at the opening of the packs of cards, +and they are lodged in the office every night. So far so good. But the +advantages in favour of the bank are so great, that after the payment +of several hundred thousand pounds sterling to the revenue, after +defraying the expenses of hotels, cashiers, croupiers, lackeys, &c. &c. +the _associés_ divide twenty or thirty per cent. At the head of these +establishments is the _salon des étrangers_. The prime minister, or +master of the ceremonies, was then the Marquis de L----. He was the last +of the _aisles de pigeon_, which he wore _bien poudrées_. He had been +an _emigré_, and, like many of them, had passed twenty years in England +without knowing a word of the language. He was distinguished by an ease +of manner and a politeness, though rather exaggerated, of the _vieille +cour_. Soon after my introduction to him he lost his appointment, it +having been discovered that the cashier, _by some mistake_, nightly gave +him fifty napoleons in exchange for a billet of five hundred francs. +By-the-by, the office of president of the _salon_ was in considerable +request, and was afterwards filled by a general officer who had once +been in the English service. + +It was one of the dinners that were given three times a-week. We +passed through a range of servants in splendid liveries, to the _salon +à manger_, where I found sixty guests, consisting, not only of the +foreigners most distinguished for rank, fortune, and consideration, but +_pairs de France, deputés_ of all parties,--in fact, the _élite_ of +Paris. Before each, was placed a _carte_. It was not one of your English +bills of fare, with its _plats de resistance_; but earth, air, and ocean +had been ransacked, and all the skill of the most consummate _artistes_ +employed to furnish out the table. Every sort of wine circulated in +quick succession; but, when I looked around me, I saw no hilarity in +this assembly. The viands seemed to pall upon the taste, the goblet +passed unquaffed. Gambling is the most selfish of vices; it admits of no +society; every one seemed too much occupied with his own thoughts even +to address his neighbour. Was I happy myself? No. The soul instinctively +seems to foresee all the miseries that originate from a single false +step, inspiring us with certain vague apprehensions that with a vain +casuistry we endeavour to dissipate. In fact, I never enjoyed a dinner +less; and was as pleased at its termination as most of the party were +anxious for the real object of the meeting--_le commencement de la fin, +ou la fin du commencement--le jeu_. + +The hotel where we assembled was of the time of Louis the Fifteenth, +and had belonged to one of his numerous mistresses; the taste, however, +of his predecessor reigned there. In front was a _cour d'honneur_, +large enough to drawn the rattle of carriages and noise from without; +and behind, was a garden laid out in the English style, and full +of odoriferous shrubs, then in full bloom, particularly the lilac, +the laburnum, and the red-thorn, that wafted their perfume through +the unfolded doors, whilst at intervals was heard the plashing of +a fountain. The three principal rooms, two of which were dedicated +to _rouge et noir_ and French hazard, were in shape octagonal; the +compartments, which were fantastically chased, and rich in gilding, +served as a frame-work to pictures in the manner of Watteau, and +probably by the hand of one of his pupils. The ceilings were similar in +taste, and described some exploits of Jupiter, whose representative was +the monarch himself according to the fashion of the day. The only light +in each of these apartments, proceeded from a lamp shaded by green silk, +that diffused its mellow and softened rays around, and threw a brilliant +and dazzling effulgence on the table. Along the centre were ranged the +dealers and bankers; and before them heaps of gold and silver, and +_billets de banc_, and red and white counters, their representatives. +On both sides were the players; and the broad glare, shadowless and +impending, displayed their features. Many of them were known to me by +name. There was, with his noble and portly figure and countenance, much +resembling the busts of Charles Fox, the late Earl of T----, who with +perfect _sangfroid_ lost his twenty-five thousand pounds a-year, and +thought the only use of money was to buy pieces of ivory marked with +numbers on them, and that the next pleasure in life to winning, was to +lose. To his right was B---- H----, with his handsome profile, Hyperion +locks, and unmeaning red-and-white face, incapable of an expression +either of joy or chagrin: Lord M----, who went by the sobriquet of Père +la Chaise; S----, bent double with care, and wrinkled with premature old +age; the young and emaciated Lord Y----, the only one of his family who +resembles his father, and inheriting from him the same propensity: and +by his side Benjamin Constant, whose ardent spirit, like the volcano +under Vesuvius, was for ever breaking out in the excitement of love, or +politics, or play; his hair was grey, as if scorched by the working of +his brain; his frame consumed as by an inward fire; his cheek bloodless +as that of a corpse, for which, but for his eye, he might have been +taken;--there was a desolateness in every trait of his countenance, +and nervous sensibility accompanied every cast of the die that it was +painful to witness. These were some of the _crêpes_ party. The Prince +M---- was not among them: he had found more attractive metal--was +closeted in a cabinet at écarté. + +For some hours I looked on, as an indifferent spectator. I had come +fortified by a long colloquy held with myself, the result of which was +a determination not to be duped. I had had too much experience of the +world to fall into the snare--I had resisted many worse temptations--I +knew too well the chances to risk even the few napoleons cautiously put +into my purse. "Facilis descensus Averni," says the poet. Insensibly I +took an interest in the game. I flattered my self-vanity by thinking +that, when such a one threw in, I should not have been on the _contre_, +or should have withdrawn my money before he _sauted_,--that I should +have taken the odds, or betted them differently from Lord This or +Monsieur _Tel_. In short, for me the veil of Isis was lifted, the +mysteries of play revealed. I alone was inspired; and so for once it +was to prove. One of the circle left his seat, and I filled up the +vacancy. I sat writhing till my turn came. All had thrown out, and +all had backed the casters. I now took the box: by my clumsy way of +handling it, and shaking the dice, it was perceived that I was a tyro. +And now the _contre_ was covered with gold and notes: "Seven!" I cried; +"eleven's the nick!" I changed the main: still my luck continued. In +short, I threw in nine times, leaving all my winnings to accumulate, and +found myself in possession of twenty-four thousand francs. It was now +suggested to me that the bank was only responsible for twelve thousand. +Twice more did I tempt Fortune, and with equal success; and then handed +over the box, and gave up my place to a new comer; and, without any one +seeming to notice my departure, betook myself to my apartment--but not +to sleep. I was in a fever of delight; visions more enchanting than +those of Eldorado visited my couch. I had found the magic wand,--had +gained the golden branch in the Æneid,--opened to myself a mine of +wealth,--an inexhaustible treasure. At daybreak I raised myself in the +bed, and counted it,--arranged in heaps the glittering treasure. I +had all Paris in my hand! I would have an hotel, I would have horses, +carriages, all that wealth could purchase should be mine. That gold +which others sighed for, toiled for, sinned for, was mine, easily +obtained, and won expressly to be spent. Horace, when in his poetic +dream of immortality he cried "Album mutor in alitem," and soared above +the heads of the admiring world, felt no raptures compared with mine. + +My success was soon blazoned abroad, and my gains exaggerated. In the +course of the day I had a visit of congratulation from the prince. +"There is a fête and ball at Frascati," said he, on taking leave; "you +will be there?" There was a devilish smile on his face. It was the first +time I had ever seen him smile. + +It was ten o'clock, and that temple of Circe was flooded with light, and +filled with women and men of all ages;--no, not of all, for one of the +conditions of admission is, besides being well dressed, that a person +must be _of age_. _Le Jeu_ has no objection to the gold of a father, a +lover, or a husband; but he disdains the pocket-money of a minor. He has +great respect for all the decencies of life: he requires a well-filled +purse and an elegant toilette. Enter, ye rich and lively!--come, and +welcome! There is sure to be gold where there are women, and woman where +there is gold. + +At the entrance of this hell, the _laquais_, after a scrutiny of my +person, took my hat, and, by means of an iron instrument attached to +a long pole, with a practised dexterity lifted it to peg 200, where +it assumed its place in the well-marshalled ranks of its comrades. +I afterwards observed that it was the only thing most of the owners +carried away with them. + +The first room was occupied by a roulette table. The grand saloon,--of +which there is, or was, an admirable picture in the Oxford Street +Bazaar, containing the well-known portraits of very many who frequented +it,--is dedicated to _rouge et noir_, or _trente et quarante_, and was +encircled two or three deep by a crowd of both sexes, all preserving +a profound silence, only interrupted by the _Messieurs, faites votre +jeu!--Le jeu est fait!--Rien plus!_ of the dealer; for the noise of +the _ratliers_ that had shovelled the gold and five-franc pieces into +a heap had ceased, and all were breathlessly awaiting the _coup_. +The _coup_ was made: _quarante: Rouge gagne_. It was then a horrid +sight to mark the expression of the different feelings that agitated +this assembly--this Pandæmonium! Some tore their hair from their +heads in handsful,--some gnashed their teeth like the damned in the +Sistine chapel,--others, their eyes almost starting out of their +sockets, uttered horrid oaths, and blasphemous exclamations,--and one, +who had his hand in his breast, withdrew it, dyed in blood, without +being sensible of the wounds his nails had inflicted! But, as if this +spectacle of tortured and degraded humanity were not enough, it was +still more appalling to observe the countenances of the women, who had +staked their last louis on the turn of the card! Their splendid dresses, +their silks and gauze, their _cachemires de l'Inde_, that glitter of +gold and gems, their necklaces of pearl, and ear-rings of diamond,--all +that serves to heighten and embellish beauty, by a horrid contrast only +gave them a greater deformity, reminding us of Pauline Borghese on her +death-bed daubing her cadaverous cheeks with rouge, and tricking herself +out in the same magnificent costume she had worn in the Tuileries when +she shone the wonder and admiration of Paris; assuming in the last +agonies of dissolution the voluptuous attitude she had chosen for that +masterpiece of art, that wonderful creation of the greatest of modern +sculptors, Canova. + +Oh! that these Phrynes could at that moment have seen in the mirrors +that on all sides reflected them, their hollow eyes--their violet +lips--their livid cheeks! The snakes of Leonardo's Medusa would have +made them perfect. No; they had no eyes or ears but for that hideous old +Sultan whose seraglio they had formed,--_le Jeu_. + +The _rouge et noir_ table being thus _agreeably_ filled, I sat down to +roulette, and placed before me my packet of notes; being determined +this time to break the bank. I turned some of my _billets_ into gold, +and began, during the revolutions of the wheel of Fortune, to cover the +cyphers. Sixty-two times the original stake would be good interest for +less than as many seconds! Now for my inspiration--but this time my +spirit of prophecy had fled. There was no prize for me. The ball still +made its accustomed rounds, and lost itself in some number where I had +no stake: now it bounded along, and hung suspended like a bird hovering +over its nest; and then, just as it was about to crown my wishes, took +a new spring, and, with a provoking coquetry, lavished its favours on +one who had not courted them with half, perhaps only the twentieth +part, of the fervour I had done. Sometimes, as if to lead me on in the +pursuit, she tantalised me by hiding herself in the next number to that +I had chosen; and then, the succeeding minute crushed all my hopes, and +reduced them to nothing, with some zero rouge or zero blanc, or the +double misery of two zeros. + +I now gave up the lottery of numbers, and betook myself to that of +colours. Still I was no diviner. If I made black my favourite, there +was sure to be a run on red; and _vice versâ_. I lost my coolness--my +temper. I doubled my stakes,--trebled them. Still the _ratliers_ did +their merciless office; the _croupiers_ still with imperturbable +nonchalance swept into a gulph, from which was no return, my notes +and gold. In short, in a few hours, I was not only stript of all my +winnings, but had borrowed of one of the lackeys three thousand francs, +which I was to return the next morning, with a premium of two per cent. +He was one of the myrmidons of the _salon des étrangers_, and knew I had +the _entrée_, and that the loan was a safe one; nay, he pressed me to +borrow more: but--_ohe, jam satis!_--I hurried to my porter's lodge, and +thence to my apartment, but in a widely different mood to that in which +I had entered it the night before. All the scenes of wealth and riches +that my imagination had conjured up, had vanished. I had horrid dreams. +The curtain was withdrawn; it showed me the sad reality of all that had +happened, and all that was to happen. + +The next day I locked my room-door, and held a long dialogue with my +conscience. I felt two powers at work within me--two inclinations +striving for mastery--two persons, as it were, one acting against and +in spite of the other. I endeavoured to arm myself against myself. It +was a violent struggle between the principles of good and evil. Whether, +like Hercules, I should have made the same choice, I know not; but vice +never wants for arguments or supporters, and in the afternoon came an +invitation, by one of his emissaries, from the prince, to dine with him. +My foible--the rock on which I have made shipwreck--has been, that I +never could say, no. I accepted it. + +Besides the inseparables, were present, on this occasion, a Prussian +colonel and a Polish count. The dinner was _recherché_; the dishes +having been sent from different _restaurants_ famous for their +_cuisine_: the _ravioli_, for instance, from an Italian house, and the +_omelette Russe_ from the _café de Paris_. The mock and real champagne +were well iced, and the Chambertín a bouquet of violets. I endeavoured +to find a Lethe in the glass, which circulated freely, though it only +circulated; for the prince, on the plea of health, drank lemonade, and +his guests, as the Italians say, baptised their Lafitte with water. Two +nights such as I had passed did not diminish the effect of the wine; and +when it was proposed to play at faro, though I knew nothing of the game, +I made no objection. It was suggested that the baron should be banker. +He had come ready prepared; opened his strong box, and produced his five +hundred louis. The practised neatness with which he turned up the cards, +the accuracy of his calculations, and correctness of his accounts, might +have excited the admiration of any _croupier_ at the _salon_; certainly +none of them understood his _métier_ better. I began with very small +stakes, which were unlimited. I soon, however, followed the example of +the circle, and played higher. I lost. The two strangers appeared to +lose also, and retired at an early hour. + +I had added one hundred louis to the baron's capital. Whilst I was +in search of my hat to make my escape, A---- had been employed in +preparing an écarté pack, and offered to give me my _revanche_; our host +encouraging me to take it by saying he would back me. + +I sat down; and, as the prince was interested in the result, I asked +his advice, but he told me, he never gave or took it. My adversary had +an extraordinary run of luck,--almost always _voled_ me when I did not +propose, and scored the king so often that I could not help observing +it. The prince in the mean time walked about the room, occasionally +looking over my cards; at length he declined participating in my stakes, +and betted with me largely on his own account. Ill fortune continued +to pursue me; still I played higher and higher, till my score had +swelled to a frightful amount. My immense losses sobered me, and I +then had my suspicions that all was not right. Opposite to the table +was a mirror over the chimney, which extended from the marble-slab to +the ceiling. I was fronting it, when I perceived by the reflection, +the prince standing over my shoulder: he was taking snuff, and, in the +act of so doing, raised up his fingers in a manner that excited my +attention. I now determined to watch the pair more closely. I observed +that the German always awaited the sign before he decided on proposing +or refusing; and once inadvertently did so, without even looking at his +own hand. It is true, we were both at four, but I had not an _atout_ +or court-card: the consequence was, that I lost the game. It was now +clear that I had fallen into the hands of sharpers. I found myself +minus thirty thousand francs. Throwing down the pack, I got up, and +walked about the room for some time, in order to collect my thoughts and +consider how to act. Though confident of having been cheated; almost +unknown as I was in Paris, I was aware it would not be easy to convince +their numerous and powerful friends of the fact. I therefore determined +to pay the money, and insult one or the other so grossly that he must +give me my _revanche_ in a different way. Thinking that the scheme, +however concocted, had been put in execution at the prince's own house, +and that it was rendered still blacker by a breach of hospitality, I +made choice of him with perfect self-possession. I asked for pen, ink, +and paper; and having written cheques payable on demand at my bankers' +in London for the _par nobile fratrum_, I turned to the prince, and +said, presenting him with his share of the plunder, "Monsieur, voilà +votre argent: vous savez comment il étoit gagné." Running his eye over +the amount to ascertain if it were correct, he carefully folded up the +paper, and put it in his pocket; and then, with imperturbable coolness, +turned to me, and said, "Monsieur, vous m'avez insulté, et vous me +ferez l'honneur de m'en rendre raison." "Très, très volontiers," I +replied; "c'est ce que je cherchois." "The sooner the better," said the +prince; "I will leave my friend the baron to settle the preliminaries." +With these words he walked slowly to the door, and left me with his +associate. He had not been gone more than a few minutes, when the +Polish count, who was lodging in the same hotel, (it was in the Rue de +la Paix,) and had just returned from some orgies, made his appearance, +probably thinking to find us still engaged in play. The baron, without +entering into particulars, immediately explained to him that the prince +and myself had had a serious misunderstanding, and that it had ended +in his claiming satisfaction. I was not sufficiently intimate with any +one in Paris to disturb him at that hour in the morning; and, thinking +it a mere formality to have a second, readily asked the count to be +my friend. He consented with the best grace imaginable. It was now +explained to me, that it is the custom (though I believe such is not the +case) for the challenger to choose his own weapons. + +"The prince," observed the baron, "has two blades of the finest Spanish +steel; they are beautifully watered, and it is a pleasure to look at +them. They have never yet been used: Monsieur," added he, addressing +the count, "shall have his choice." All this was said with the utmost +nonchalance, as though he had been only treating of a trial of skill, +and not a duel _à l'outrance_. + +I had never taken a fencing-lesson since I was at school, and then +only for a few months of old Angelo. The prince I knew to be almost as +dexterous in the art as a _maître d'armes_. The first qualification for +an accomplished gambler is to be a duellist; foils were at that moment +lying in a corner of the room, and he had probably been practising the +very day before; indeed it was almost the only exercise he took at any +time. + +To have made, however, my want of skill a plea for the adoption of +pistols, might, I knew, be answered by the baron's professing the +prince to be the worst of shots; besides its being a deviation from the +established rule in such cases for me to have a voice. + +Strange to say, I felt little uneasiness on the subject: I had a quick +eye, great activity, and superior physical strength; and I had heard +that the most expert fencer is often at a loss to parry the determined +assault of an aggressor, even though he should hardly know the use of +his weapon. A sense, too, of my wrongs, and a desire of revenge, added +to that moral courage in which I was never deficient, rendered me bold +and confident. + +It was now broad daylight. The _fiacre_ rattled up to the door, and +the count and I, got into it; the prince following in his cabriolet, +accompanied by A----. We drove through the _Champs Elyseés_, passed the +_Port Maillot_, and, without meeting a single carriage, arrived at our +destination. If there were ever a spot where a lover of nature might die +almost without regret, it is this favourite resort of the _beau monde_ +of Paris. Avenues ankle-deep in sand, cut into straight lines; _allées_ +without verdure, that lead to nothing; a wood without trees. Such is the +_Bois de Boulogne_. + +The coachman, who had a perfect knowledge of the localities, and the +object of our morning ride, pulled up at a spot where four roads met; +and, having alighted, we followed an ill-defined path for a few hundred +yards, till we came to an opening in the brushwood that was scarcely +above our heads. It had served for a recent encounter, for I perceived +the prince step on one side to avoid a stain of blood on one of the +tufts of grass that here and there rose rankly among the sand. He +appeared not to notice it, and continued to talk on indifferent subjects +to his companion. + +Having received our swords, all new, and bright, and glittering, as the +baron promised they should be, and taken up our ground, without waiting +to cross blades, I precipitated myself on my adversary, and endeavoured +to beat down his guard: so impetuous was my onset, that he retreated, +or, rather, I drove him before me for several yards. Those who have +not experienced it, may conceive what a strange grating sensation the +meeting of two pieces of steel produces; but they cannot be aware how +it quickens the pulse, and that there is in every electric shock, such +fierce rage, and hatred, and revenge, as burnt within me then. Still, +however, the prince parried my thrusts, and kept me at arm's length. All +I now remember is, that I made a last desperate lunge--that I almost +lost my balance--that I felt the point of my adversary's sword enter my +side, and then a film came over my eyes. When I awoke from this trance, +I found myself in a crowded hospital, with a _Soeur de Charité_ +leaning over me. + + + + + LES POISSONS D'AVRIL. + REDDY O'DRYSCULL, SCHOOLMASTER, ETC., TO THE EDITOR. + + _Water-grass-hill, 20th March._ +SIR,--In answer to your application for further scraps of the late P. +P., and in reply to your just reproof of my remissness in forwarding, +as agreed upon, the monthly supplies to your Miscellany, I have only to +plead as my "apology" the "fast of Lent," which in these parts is kept +with such rigour as totally to dry up the genial moisture of the brain, +and desiccate the [Greek: kala reethra] of the fancy. In "justice to +Ireland" I must add, that, by the combined exertions of patriots and +landlords, we are kept at the proper starving-point all the year round; +a blissful state not likely to be disturbed by any provisions in the +new Irish "poor law." My correspondence must necessarily be _jejune_ +like the season. I send you, however, an appropriate song, which our +late pastor used to chaunt over his red-herring whenever a friend from +Cork would drop in to partake of such lenten entertainment as his frugal +kitchen could afford. + + + + + THE SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC. + A GASTRONOMICAL CHAUNT. + + Sunt Aries, Taurus, Cancer, Leo, Scorpio, Virgo, + Libraque et Arcitenens, Gemini, Caper, Amphora, Pisces. + + I. + Of a tavern the Sun every month takes "the run," + And a dozen each year wait his wishes; + One month with old Prout he takes share of a trout, + And puts up at the sign of THE FISHES. + 'Tis an old-fashioned inn, but more quiet within + Than THE BULL or THE LION--both boisterous; + And few would fain dwell at THE SCORPION-hôtel, + Or THE CRAB...But this last is an oyster-house. + + II. + At the sign of THE SCALES fuller measure prevails; + At THE RAM the repast may be richer: + Old Goëthe oft wrote at the sign of THE GOAT, + Tho' at times he'd drop in at THE PITCHER; + And those who have stay'd at the sign of THE MAID, + In desirable quarters have tarried; + While some for their sins must put up with THE TWINS, + Having had the mishap to get married. + + III. + But THE FISHES combine in one mystical sign + A moral right apt for the banquet; + And a practical hint, which I ne'er saw in print, + Yet a Rochefoucault maxim I rank it:-- + If a secret I'd hide, or a project confide, + To a comrade's good faith and devotion, + Oh! the friend whom I'd wish, though he _drank_ like a _fish_, + Should be _mute_ as the tribes of the ocean. + + + + + THE ANATOMY OF COURAGE. + BY PRINCE PUCKLER MUSKAU. + + IN A LETTER TO A FRIEND. + +As for the article of courage and its various manifestations, it is a +very peculiar thing: I have thought much about it, and observed a great +deal; and I am convinced that, except in romances, there are very few +men who at all times show distinguished, and _none at all_ who possess +_perfect_ courage. I should esteem any man who maintained the contrary +of himself, and who asserted that he did not know what fear was, a +mere braggart; but, nevertheless, I should not consider it my duty to +tell him so, to his face. There are endless _varieties_ of courage, +which may, however, be comprised under three general dispositions of +temperament, and six principal rubrics; within this arrangement a +thousand modifications still remain, but I cannot here pursue them. + +We come, first, to three sorts of that courage which alone can be called +natural, and which, like all that nature gives _directly_, is perfect; +that is, without any mixture of fear so long as _it lasts_, and which, +therefore, has only a temporary influence. These are, + +1. Courage from passion, such as love, anger, vengeance, and so forth. + +2. From hunger, or the want of any thing indispensable to existence. + +3. From habit, which, according to a law of nature, hardens completely +against particular kinds of permanent danger. + +All the others are artificial, but not, therefore, imperfect; that is, +they are not always without admixture of fear, the result either of +a dawning, or on already advanced state of civilization. They may be +divided into + +_a._ Courage out of vanity. + +_b._ Out of a feeling of honour. + +_c._ Out of duty; under which head may be reckoned the inspiration of +religion, and all kinds of enthusiasm; which is also closely allied +to _a_. At last we come to the physical conformation which supports +courage, or renders it difficult of exhibition, or puts it altogether +out of the question. + +(There is certainly a fourth kind of courage, in some measure the shady +side of the others,--courage from avarice. I omitted it, because it is +rather an enormity, and can only produce criminals; it is, therefore, +allied to madness, of which I do not speak here.) + +They are, firstly, a strong and healthy nervous system, and a sanguine +temperament. + +Secondly, a weak and excitable constitution, which is called _par +excellence_ a nervous constitution. + +Thirdly, that unfortunate defective formation, probably of the nerves +of the brain, which produces an unconquerable timidity, becomes real +suffering and a regular malady, rendering all manifestations of courage +next to impossible. + +That these divisions are subject to more or less modification, and +often branch off into each other through inward motives, or external +influences, follows of course. I will in few words touch upon these +powers in their general and universal operation, and examine how the +different value of the chief combinations are classified. + +One, two, and three, I give up; for every one knows that with both man +and beast, when a beloved object is in danger, or under the influence +of a natural impulse, or when animated by a blind rage, or pinched +by hunger, instinct alone acts, and timidity vanishes: but let the +excitement cease, and the courage disappears also. When full of food, +the lion flees before the feeblest man; and, when the hunger of the +terrible boa is quite appeased, it may be laid hold of, without danger. +It is equally well known that habit would make us forget the sword +suspended over our heads by a single hair. The soldier, continually in +battle, is as indifferent to bullets as the boy to the flying ball: and +yet the same soldier would shudder at a species of danger that the most +cowardly spy encounters in cold blood, and, in all probability, would +feel real terror if he were compelled to a conflict with a tiger, which +the timid Indian, armed with a short sword, and protected only by a +green shield, will go in search of and subdue. The boldest mariner is +often absurdly fearful in a carriage; and I have known a brave officer +who turned pale whenever he was obliged to leap his horse over a hedge +or a ditch. + +But the case is very different when the courage of civilisation makes +common cause with the physical disposition. If No. 1, in its highest +perfection, be conjoined with _a_, _b_, and _c_, it is easy to see that +the individual uniting the whole will be the bravest possible man; when, +however, No. 1 stands alone, precious as it is, in, and for itself, +there is but little dependence on it. The weaker No. 2, united to _a_, +_b_, or _c_, is a rock compared to it: for the last motives have this +great and invaluable quality--they are lasting, while No. 1 depends +upon time and circumstance; and then will produce only the _so-called_ +naturally brave, of whom the Spaniards say, _He was brave in his +day_; No. 1 reduced to his own resources would perhaps encounter with +vermilion cheeks and perfect cheerfulness, danger that would make No. 2 ++ _a_, _b_, or _c_, pale and serious. + +Notwithstanding this, it is by no means certain whether No. 1 would +not be seized with a panic in the fight, for all his red cheeks; but +No. 2, with his powerful auxiliary, certain that he must fight, is +quite secure, while the colour returns to his cheek even in the midst +of the danger. As soon as fear seizes No. 1, it must influence his +action; with No. 2 + _a_, _b_, or _c_, it is a matter of indifference +whether he feels fear or no, as it will be neutralized by the permanent +auxiliary qualifications, and its influence on his actions nullified. +And, although No. 1 + _a_, _b_, _c_, must always remain the _summum +perfectum_, yet No. 2 + _a_, _b_, _c_, will sometimes do bolder and more +surprising things, because the nervous excitement is more strongly acted +on; especially if enthusiasm be brought into play. + +The other sex, for instance, never possess any other than this species +of courage; and if our manners had not, as well out of vanity, as a +feeling of honour and duty, entirely dispensed with courage in them, and +directed their whole education on this principle, then a lady, No. 2 + +_a_ alone, even without _b_ and _c_, would certainly have surpassed the +bravest man in point of courage, and would probably have been victor in +every combat, where only this courage and its endurance, and not merely +physical strength or skill, should decide. + +No. 1 gifted also with _a_, _b_, _c_, would be brave sometimes, and +sometimes not; if No. 2, however, were equally _a_, _b_, _c_, then the +disadvantageous side of such a disposition would come into action, and +No. 2 would in this case be a regular portion, not so much _because_ he +_must_ be such, like No. 3, but because it would be far more convenient, +and more suitable to his nature: such would be many men in the lower, +and the whole dear sex in the highest, degree. The undeniably cowardly +disposition of the Jews has the same foundation. We have so long denied +them human and social rights, that the motives of vanity and the sense +of honour can operate but feebly on them, while that of duty in relation +to us can scarcely exist at all. Nothing but centuries of a more +reasonable and humane policy can render this otherwise. + +The unfortunate No. 3 would only be courageous in two predicaments; in +half-frantic religious ecstacy, or in despair, itself the very extremity +of fear, when he might reach a point beyond the limits of courage. We +have seen, for example, people destroy themselves out of dread of death! + +What I have here said, little as it is, appears to me sufficient +to point out a mode of drawing new deductions from every possible +combination; to determine their relative value; and, what is most +important of all, to excite further reflections, from which all may draw +practical benefit. + +You may think, my dear friend, that I could not occupy myself with +subjects, without endeavouring to analyse my own portion of courage; +for who can undertake to study mankind without beginning and ending +with himself? Are you curious to be informed on this point? It is a +ticklish thing; but you know that I have a pleasure in being candid, and +therefore willingly withdraw, at times, the curtains of my most secret +chamber, to afford my good friends a glimpse. Listen, then: the result +will be found in that admired _juste milieu_, which certain well-known +governments have discovered without knowing it, and find that it answers +admirably well, because it may be translated by the German word _mittel +mässigkeit_ (moderation, or mediocrity.) This is just the case with me +also: in the first place, I must own to the feminine temperament No. 2, +although I would rather have belonged to No. 1; however, laws are not to +be prescribed to the Creator; and to say of myself what I think, without +maintaining it as certainly demonstrated, would be too vain on my part: +fortunately, in addition to my mediocre No. 2, I possess _a_, _b_, _c_, +thoroughly, at least in a high, if not in the highest degree. + +I know the nervous agitation which in some is called bashfulness, +and in others fear, as do many who would not perhaps admit it so +candidly; but it does not conquer me, and acts merely as a shower of +rain does on a man wrapped in a waterproof cloak; the water remains +on the surface, and does not penetrate. I have before signified that +physical conditions, that is, stronger or weaker condition of the +nerves, produce great variations, particularly in the dispositions 1 +and 2. The advantageous effect of a good breakfast on the courage has +become proverbial among the French; and all those who are in the least +"nervous" must acknowledge that there is a good deal of truth in it. The +young libertine in Gil Blas was perfectly in the right to answer, when +he was called at five in the morning to fight a duel, "That he would +not rise at such an hour for a rendezvous with a lady, much less to have +his throat cut by a man;" at eleven o'clock, when he had breakfasted, +and was thoroughly awake--not before--he got up, went out, and was run +through the body: a strong illustration of the folly of getting up, too +soon. However, when it must be, the admirable _a_, _b_, _c_, can conquer +even distasteful fasting, as they can everything else, whether they act +together or singly: with the help of this _æs triplex_, my littleness +has fought its way very comfortably through the world, as I hope it will +continue to do, without any great injury accruing, or being likely to +accrue, to my vanity, my sense of honour, or my sense of duty. + +Being, in addition, half poet and half enthusiast, even the courage of +rashness was not unknown to me in my youthful days; notwithstanding +which, it is possible that, without my _a_, _b_, _c_, I might have run +away when it was dangerous to stay. + +Now that I have grown up a civilised man, I observe one peculiar shade. +In danger, I think far less, sometimes not at all, of the danger itself; +but I am _afraid of my fear_; that is, I am afraid that others should +observe I am not quite so much at my ease, as my vanity and my sense +of honour (duty has nothing to do with it) require I should be. At the +very moment of danger, this feeling, as well as every other that can be +called anxiety, ceases of itself; because action makes stronger claims +on the spirit's strength, and the weaker affections fall naturally into +the background. This weakness (for such it certainly is) of extreme +anxiety respecting the opinion of men, is so characteristic of me, that +I feel it continually whenever I am called upon to do anything that +brings me under observation,--for example, whether I make a speech, +act a part, or encounter mortal danger. Herewith must not, however, be +reckoned more or less physical excitement, or when natural impulses such +as I, II, III, come into play. I can, without boasting, affirm, with a +good conscience, that the mortal danger is, in relation to the others, +the lightest of the three; and you will laugh when I tell you, that the +strongest fit of timidity that ever seized upon me was, absurdly enough, +on one occasion when I was to _sing_ in public!--an unlucky passion +that possessed me at one time in my foolish life, and which I renounced +merely out of vexation at this ridiculous bashfulness. If I were writing +about another, I should, out of civility, call such a disposition, +only an exaggerated sense of honour,--at most vanity, well-founded +vanity. But I dare not flatter myself, and therefore I give it its true +name,--the fear of men; for bashfulness is a part of fear, as audacity +is of courage, but of courage, so to say, without soul, consequently +without dignity, as bashfulness is fear without shame. It must not be +overlooked that the greatest courage cannot, at the bottom, dispense +with audacity, and the greatest men in profane history possessed it. It +is, however, one of the greatest gifts for the world; and many deceive +through their whole lives, by the help of audacity alone. It is not +necessary to say that it must, however, be coupled with understanding, +and so applied as we must in public go decently clothed. I am sorry +that I have it not, and can only obtain it by artificial means; but +it appears to me of so much importance, that I am half inclined, dear +Schefer, to favour you with a second dissertation, if it were not a +principal maxim of my book and letter-writing trade not to give too +much of what is valuable. You are quit for the fear this time; and, as +you are but too well acquainted with me, I see you smile, and hear you +distinctly exclaim, "Another fancy-piece to look like truth." My dear +Schefer, a good conjurer shows all the cards, and yet you only see what +he pleases to let you. You and the Secret Society understand me. Like +Wallenstein, I keep my last word _in petto_. This is my last but one. + + + + + THE SONG OF THE COVER. + (NOT A SPORTING ONE.) + +My Dear Mr. Editor.--I have been for some time troubled by a slight +longing to illustrate the title-page (or rather the Cover and its pretty +_pages_) of the Miscellany. Today I was taken suddenly worse with this +desperate symptom of the _cacoethes scribendi_, but at length being +safely delivered of the following doggrel, you will be glad to hear that +I am now "as well as can be expected." + + Ever, my dear Mr. Editor, yours truly, + R. J. + + + THE SONG OF THE COVER. + + "SING a song of half-a-crown-- + Lay it out this minute: + Buy the book, for half the town + Want to know what's in it. + Had you all the cares of Job, + You'd then forget your troubles," + Cried Cupid, seated on the globe, + Busy blowing bubbles. + + Rosy Summer, pretty Spring, + See them scattering flowers-- + "Catch who can!" the song they sing: + Hearts-ease fall in showers. + Autumn, tipsy with the grape, + Plays a pipe and tabor; + Winter imitates the ape, + Mocking at his neighbour. + + Bentley, Boz, and Cruikshank, stand, + Like expectant reelers-- + "Music!"--"Play up!"--pipe in hand, + Beside the _fluted_ pillars! + Boz and Cruikshank want to dance, + None for frolic riper, + But Bentley makes the first advance, + Because he "pays the piper." + + "Then sing a song of half-a-crown, + And make a merry race on't + To buy the book, all London town; + There's wit upon the _face_ on't. + Had you all the cares of Job, + You'd then forget your troubles," + Cried Cupid, seated on the globe, + Busy blowing bubbles. + + + + + THE COBBLER OF DORT. + BY THE AUTHOR OF "MEPHISTOPHELES IN ENGLAND." + + "Oh! the world's nothing more than a cobbler's stall, + Stitch, stitch, hammer, hammer, hammer! + And mankind are the boots and the shoes on the wall; + Stitch, stitch, hammer, hammer, hammer! + The great and the rich + Never want a new stitch; + They fit like a glove before and behind, + Are polished and neat, and always well lined, + And thus wear till they come to life's ending: + But the poor and the mean + Are not fit to be seen,-- + They are things that none would borrow or steal, + Are out at the toes, and down at the heel, + And are always beyond any mending. + So the world's nothing more than a cobbler's stall, + Stitch, stitch, hammer, hammer, hammer! + And mankind are the boots and the shoes on the wall; + Stitch, stitch, hammer, hammer, hammer! + +"Jacob!--Jacob Kats, I say!" exclaimed a shrill female voice. + +"Stitch, stitch, hammer, hammer, hammer!" continued the singer. + +"Are you deaf, mynheer?" + +"And mankind are the boots and the shoes on the wall." + +"Do leave off your singing, and open the door; the burgomaster will be +angry that I have stayed so long." + +"Stitch, stitch, hammer, hammer, hammer!" + +"You are enough to provoke the most patient girl in Dort. Open the door, +Jacob Kats! Open the door this instant, or you shall never have any more +work from me!" + +"Ya?" drawled the cobbler interrogatively, as he slowly opened the door +of his stall. + +"Is this the way you behave to your customers, mynheer?" asked a +smartly-dressed, plump-faced, pretty little woman, in rather a sharp +tone;--"keeping them knocking at the door till you please to open it? +It's not respectful to the burgomaster, Jacob Kats!" + +"Ya!" replied the mender of leather. + +"Here, I want you to do this very neatly," said the girl, producing +a small light shoe, and pointing to a place that evidently wanted +repairing. + +"Ya!" said Jacob Kats, examining with professional curiosity the object +spoken of. + +"The stitches have broken away, you see; so you must fill up the place +they have left, with your best workmanship," she continued. + +"Ya!" he responded. + +"And mind you don't make a botch of it, mynheer!" + +"Ya!" + +"And let me have it in an hour, for the burgomaster has given me leave +to go to a dance." + +"Ya!" + +"And be sure you make a reasonable charge." + +"Ya." + +"I shall be back in an hour," said the little woman, as she opened the +door to let herself out of the stall; "and I shall expect that it will +be ready by that time:" and away she went. "Ya!" replied Jacob for the +last time, as he prepared to set briskly about the job, knowing that his +fair customer was too important a personage to be disappointed. "It is +not every cobbler that can boast of being employed by a burgomaster's +nursery-maid," thought Jacob; and Jacob was right. + +Now every one knows what sort of character a cobbler is; but a Dutch +cobbler is the _beau idéal_ of the tribe, and the cobbler of Dort +deserved to be king of all the cobblers in Holland. He was the finest +specimen of "the profession" it was possible to meet with; a profession, +by-the-by, which his forefathers from time immemorial had followed, for +none of them had ever been, or ever aspired to be, shoemakers. Jacob +could not be said to be tall, unless a height of five feet one is so +considered. His body was what is usually called "punchy;" his head round +like a ball, so that it appeared upon his shoulders like a Dutch cheese +on a firkin of butter; and his face, having been well seamed by the +ravages of the small-pox, closely resembled a battered nutmeg-grater, +with a tremendous gap at the bottom for a mouth, a fiery excrescence +just above it, for a nose, and two dents, higher still, in which were +placed a pair of twinkling eyes. It will easily be understood from this +description, that our hero was by no means handsome; but his father +and his grandfather before him, had been remarkable for the plainness +of their looks, and therefore Jacob had no earthly reason to desire to +put a better face on his business than his predecessors. Much cannot be +said of his dress, which had little in it differing from that of other +cobblers. A red woollen cap ornamented his head,--a part of his person +that certainly required some decoration; long sleeves, of a fabric which +could only be guessed at, in consequence of their colour, cased his +arms; half-a-dozen waistcoats of various materials covered the upper +part of his body; and his nether garments were hid under an immense +thick leather apron,--a sort of heir-loom of the family. + +But Jacob had other _habits_ beside these; he drank much--he smoked +more--and had an equal partiality for songs and pickled herrings. Alone, +which is something like a paradox, he was the most sociable fellow +in existence; he sang to himself, he talked to himself, he drank to +himself, and was evidently on the most friendly terms with himself: +but when any one made an addition to the society, he became the most +reserved of cobblers; monosyllables were all he attempted to utter; nor +had he any great variety of these, as may have been observed in the +preceding dialogue. His stall was his kingdom; he swayed his hammer, +and ruled his lapstone vigorously; and, as other absolute monarchs have +done,--in his subjects he found his _tools_. His place of empire was +worthy of its ruler. It had originally been an outhouse, belonging to +one of those low Gothic-looking dwellings with projecting eaves and +bow windows that may be seen in the unfashionable parts of most Dutch +towns; and its interior, besides a multitude of objects belonging to the +trade, contained a variety of other matters peculiar to himself. Such +spaces on the wells as were not hidden from view by superannuated boots +and shoes, were covered with coloured prints from designs by Ostade, +Teniers, and others, representing boors drinking, playing at cards or +at bowls, and similar subjects. On a heavy three-legged stool, the +throne of the dynasty of the Kats, sat the illustrious Jacob, facing the +window to receive all the advantages the light could give: before him +were the paraphernalia of his vocation: on one side was a curious old +flask, smelling strongly of genuine Schiedam, which invariably formed "a +running accompaniment" to his labours; and on the other was an antique +pipe, short in the stem, and having a bowl on which the head of a satyr +had been carved, but constant use for several generations had made the +material so black, that it might have been taken for the frontispiece of +a more objectionable personage. + +Jacob Kats had been diligently waxing some flax preparatory to +commencing the repairs of the burgomaster's nursery-maid's shoe, +occasionally stopping in his task to moisten his throat with the +contents of the flask, which, either from a prodigal meal of pickled +herrings having made him more thirsty than usual, or the Schiedam +appearing more excellent, had been raised to his mouth so often that +day, that it had tinged his nose to a more luminous crimson, and had +given to his eyes a more restless twinkling, than either had known +for some time; when, having prepared his thread, laid it carefully on +his knee ready for immediate use, and placed the object on which his +skill was to be exercised close at hand, he turned his attention to his +pipe,--it being an invariable rule of his progenitors never to attempt +anything of importance without first seeking the stimulating influence +of the Virginian weed. On examining his stock of tobacco, he discovered +that he had barely enough for one pipe. + +"Donner und blitzen! no more? Bah! I wish to the Teufel my pipe would +never want refilling," exclaimed the cobbler of Dort, filling the bowl +with the remains of the tobacco; and then, having ignited it with the +assistance of flint, steel, and German tinder, puffed away at the tube, +consoling himself with the reflection that, when his labour was done, +he should be able to procure a fresh supply. He smoked and stitched, +and stitched and smoked, and smoked and stitched again, and, while his +fumigations kept pace with his arms, his thoughts were by no means idle; +for, to tell the exact truth, he became conscious of a flow of ideas +more numerous and more ambitious than he had ever previously conceived. +Among other notions which hurried one another through his pericranium, +was one particularly interesting to himself. He thought it was high time +to attempt something to prevent the ancient family of the Kats becoming +extinct, as he was now on the shady side of forty, enjoying in single +blessedness the dignities of Cobbler of Dort, and, if such a state +continued, stood an excellent chance of being the last of his name who +had filled that honourable capacity. He could not help condemning the +taste of the girls of his native town, who had never looked favourably +upon his advantages: even Maria Van Bree, a fair widow who had signified +her affection every day for fifteen years by repeating a joke upon his +nose, only last week had blighted his dearest hopes by marrying an old +fellow with no nose at all. Jacob thought of his solitary condition, and +fancied himself miserable. He became sentimental. His stitches were made +with a melancholy precision, and in the intensity of his affliction he +puffed his miserable pipe; but, as song was the medium through which +he always expressed his emotions, his grief was not tuneless: in tones +that, without any exaggeration, were wretched to a degree, he sung the +following exquisite example of Dutch sentiment: + + "Ach! had ik tranen kon ik schreijen, + De smart knaagt mij het leven af; + Neen wanhoop spaargeen folte ringen, + Stort bij Maria mij in't graf." + +Which is most appropriately rendered thus: + + "Ah! had I tears, so fast they'd spring, + Nought from these eyes the flood could wipe out; + But had I songs, I could not sing,-- + The false Maria's put my pipe out." + +The conclusion of this pathetic verse brought to his mind the +extraordinary circumstance of his pipe (the one he had been smoking) +continuing to be vigorously puffed long after it had usually required +replenishing. He might have exhausted three in the same time. He +also became conscious of a curious burning sensation spreading from +immediately under his red cap to the very extremities of his ten +toes. The smoke he inhaled seemed very hot; and the alarm which his +observations on these matters created was considerably increased by +hearing a roar of small shrill laughter burst from under his very nose! + +"Donner und blitzen!" exclaimed the bewildered cobbler, as he took the +pipe out of his mouth and looked around him to discover from whence the +sounds proceeded. + +"Smoke away, old boy! Smoke away! You won't smoke me out in a hurry, I +can tell ye." + +Jacob directed his eyes to the place from whence came this strange +address, and his astonishment may be imagined at perceiving that _the +words were uttered by his pipe!_ The ill-looking, black satyr, carved on +the bowl, seemed to cock his eye at him in the most impertinent manner, +twisted his mouth into all sorts of diabolical grimaces, and laughed +till the tears ran down his sooty cheeks. Jacob was, as he himself +expressed it, "struck all of a heap." + +"You know you wished to the Teufel your pipe would never require +refilling," said the voice as plainly as it could, while laughing all +the time; "so your desire is now gratified. You may smoke me till the +day of judgement." + +Jacob, in fear and trembling, recalled to mind his impious wish; and +even his regret for having been jilted by the widow Van Bree was +forgotten in the intensity of his alarm. + +"Smoke away, Jacob Kats!--I'm full of capital tobacco," continued the +little wretch, with a chuckle. + +The terrified cobbler was thinking of refusing, yet too much afraid of +the consequences; while his tormentor, distorting his hideous features +into a more abominable grin, shrieked out in his shrill treble, + +"You _must_ smoke me--no use refusing _now_! Here I am, old boy, with a +full bowl that will never burn out--never, never, never! so you'd best +smoke." And then, as if noticing his indecision, he exclaimed, with a +fresh burst of horrid laughter, "Well, if you won't, I'll make you: so, +here goes!" and, before his wretched victim was aware of the +manoeuvre, he jumped stem foremost into his mouth. + +"Now, smoke away, old boy, or worse will follow!" said the little satyr +threateningly. + +Jacob was in such a state of fright that he did not dare to refuse; but +the first mouthful of smoke he inhaled seemed to choke him, as if it was +the burning flames of sulphur, and, gasping for breath, he brushed the +pipe from his mouth. + +"Smoke away, Jacob!--capital tobacco!" screamed the voice in a roar of +more fiendish mirth, as he immediately regained his position. In vain, +with one hand after the other, the miserable cobbler knocked the pipe +from between his teeth: as fast as he struck it away, it returned to +the same place. "Smoke away, old boy!" continued his unrelenting enemy, +as often as his fits of laughter would allow. "Smoke away!--capital +tobacco!" + +Jacob Kats seemed in despair, when, casting his eyes upon his lapstone, +a way of getting rid of the accursed pipe presented itself to his mind. +He threw down the grinning demon on the floor, and with his lapstone +raised above his head was about to crush it at a blow. "Smoke away, +old boy!" fixing itself again firmly between his teeth, before Jacob +had time to put his intention into execution, jeeringly continued the +detested voice; "smoke away!--capital tobacco!" + +With one great effort, such as great minds have recourse to on great +occasions. Jacob let fall the stone, with a vigorous grasp caught hold +of the grinning pipe, and, as he thought, before it could make a guess +as to what he was about to do, dashed it into a thousand pieces upon the +lapstone at his feet. + +"Donner und blitzen!" cried the delighted cobbler; "I have done for you +now!" + +Alas for all sublunary pleasures!--alas for all worldly +convictions!--instead of his enemy being broken into a thousand pieces, +it was multiplied into a thousand pipes,--every one a facsimile of the +original, each possessing the same impertinent cock of the eye, each +disclosing the same satirical twist of the mouth, and all laughing like +a troop of hyenas, and shouting in chorus, "Smoke away! smoke away, old +boy!--capital tobacco!" + +The patience of a Dutchman may be great, but the concentrated patience +of all Holland could not stand unmoved on so trying an occasion as that +which occurred to Jacob Kats. He saw his multitudinous tormentors form +into regular rank and file, and then, as if his mouth had been a breach +which he had "armed to the teeth," they presented their stems like so +many bayonets, and charged in military fashion, screaming, laughing, +and shouting, in a manner sufficiently terrible to scare the senses +out of all the cobblers in Christendom. Slowly the trembling wretch +retreated before the threatening phalanx; but he was surrounded--his +back was against the wall--there was no escape; and with one leap the +enemy were in the citadel. Extraordinary as it may appear, Jacob did +not lose his presence of mind. As they were all jostling, and giggling, +and crying out to be smoked, the unconquered cobbler firmly grasped the +whole mass of his foes in both his hands to make a last attempt at their +destruction, by throwing them into a tub of water, in which he soaked +his leather, that happened to be just within reach; but, in a manner +inexplicable to him, he felt that the more vigorously he grasped them +in a body, the more rapidly they seemed to shrink from his touch, till +nothing was left but the original pipe, which suddenly slipped out of +his hands. + +"Well then, you _won't_ smoke me," coolly remarked the sooty +demon;--"but," added he, in tones that made the marrow in Jacob's bones +turn cold as ice, "I'LL SMOKE YOU!" + +While the last of the family of the Kats was reflecting upon the meaning +of those mysterious words, to his increasing horror he observed the +well-smoked features of the satyr gradually swell into an enormous bulk +of countenance, as the same process of enlargement transformed the stem +into legs, arms, and body, proportionately huge and terrific; but the +monstrous face still wore its original expression, and seemed to the +unhappy Dutchman as if he was looking at the cock of his eye through +a microscope. Without saying a word, the monster, with the finger and +thumb of his right hand, caught up Jacob Kats by the middle, just as +an ordinary man would take up an ordinary pipe, and with his left hand +twisted one of his victim's legs over the other, as if they had been +made of wax, till they came to a tolerable point at the foot; then, +taking from a capacious pocket at his side a moderate-sized piece of +tobacco, with the utmost impudence imaginable, he rubbed it briskly upon +Jacob's unfortunate nose, which, as would any fiery nose under such +circumstances, was burning with indignation; and the weed immediately +igniting, as the poor cobbler lay with his head down gasping for breath, +he thrust the flaming mass into his mouth, extended a pair of jaws +that looked like the lock of the Grand Canal, quietly raised Jacob's +foot between them, and immediately began to smoke with the energy of a +steam-engine! Miserable Jacob Kats!--what agonies he endured! At every +whiff the inhuman smoker took, he could feel the narcotic vapour, hot as +a living coal, drawn rapidly down his throat, through his veins and out +at his toes, to be puffed in huge volumes out of the monster's mouth, +till the place was filled with the smoke. Jacob felt that his teeth were +red-hot,--that his tongue was a cinder,--and big drops of perspiration +coursed each other down his burning cheeks, like the waves of the Zuyder +Zee on the shore when the tide's running up. Jacob looked pitiably at +his tormentor, and thought he discerned a glimpse of relenting in the +atrocious ugliness of his physiognomy. He unclosed his enormous jaws, +and removed from them the foot of his victim. The cobbler of Dort +congratulated himself on the approach of his release. + +"Jacob Kats, my boy!" exclaimed the giant, in that quiet patronising +kind of voice all great men affect, carelessly balancing Jacob on his +finger and thumb at a little distance from his mouth, as he threw out +a long wreath of acrid smoke; "Jacob, you are a capital pipe,--there's +no denying _that_. You smoke admirably,--take my word for it;" and +then, without a word of pity or consolation, he resumed his unnatural +fumigations with more fierceness than ever. Jacob had behaved like a +martyr,--he had shown a spirit worthy of the Kats in their best days; +but the impertinence of such conduct was not to be endured. He would a +minute since have allowed himself to have been dried into a Westphalia +ham, to which state he had been rapidly progressing, but the insult +he had just received had roused the dormant spirit of resistance in +his nature; and, while every feature in his tyrant's smoky face seemed +illuminated with a thousand sardonic grins, having no better weapon +at hand, Jacob hastily snatched the red cap off his head, and, taking +deliberate aim at his persecutor, flung it bang into the very cock of +his eye. The monster opened his jaws to utter a yell of agony, and down +came the head of Jacob Kats upon the floor, that left him without sense +or motion. + +How long the cobbler of Dort remained in this unenviable situation it is +impossible to say, but he was first recalled to consciousness by a loud +knocking at the door of his stall. + +"Jacob! Jacob Kats!" exclaimed the well-known voice of his fair +customer, in a tone of considerable impatience; and Jacob, raising +himself on his elbows, discovered that he had fallen back off his +stool; and the empty flask at his side, and the unfinished work on his +lap, while they gave him a tolerably correct notion of his condition, +did not suggest any remedy for the fatal consequences of disappointing +the burgomaster's nursery-maid. It is only necessary to add, that, +with considerable difficulty, he managed to satisfy his important +patroness; but, to the very day of his death, Jacob, who proved to be +the last of the long dynasty of Kats who enjoyed the dignity inseparable +from the situation of Cobbler of Dort, could not, with any degree of +satisfaction, make up his mind as to whether the strange effects he +had that eventful day experienced had been caused by extraordinary +indulgence in the luxury of pickled herrings,--or too prodigal allowance +of Schiedam,--or intense disappointment for the loss of the widow Van +Bree. + + + + + AN EPIGRAM. + + On Sabbath morn two sisters rise, + And each to chapel goes; + Fair Caroline to close her eyes, + And Jane to eye her clothes (close). + + + ANOTHER. + + All Flora's friends have died, it seems, before her:-- + I wish my wife had been a friend of Flora! + + + + + HERO AND LEANDER. + FROM THE GREEK OF MUSÆUS. + + The lamp that saw the lovers side by side + In furtive clasp; the swimmer bold o' nights; + The close embrace Aurora never spied, + Sing Muse! and Sestos, nest of their delights, + Where Hero watched, and Eros had his rites + Duly performed. My song is of Leander, + And lovingly the beacon-lamp requites, + Which lured him o'er the ocean's back to wander, + Sweet Hero's message-light, love's harbinger and pandar. + + Zeus should have placed that signal-light above, + (Their love-race ended) 'mid the constellations, + And called its name the bridal star of love, + As minister of rapture's keen sensations, + The cresset, by whose aid they found occasions + Of sleepless nights--till blew the fatal blast. + Come, Muse! and join with me in lamentations + For that clear night, by which love's bidding past, + And for Leander's life, extinguished both at last. + + Sestos is opposite Abydos, near + And neighbour cities--parted by the sea: + Love with one arrow scorched a virgin there, + And here a youth; the fairest Hero she, + The handsome bachelor, Leander, he. + Stars of their cities, but resembling each + The other. Sestos keeps her memory + Where Hero's lamp was wont his way to teach, + And for Leander moans Abydos' sullen beach. + + Whence grew Leander's passion? Whence again + Did the same fire sweet Hero's heart devour? + Priestess of Cypris, and of noble strain, + Untaught in Hymen's rites, and of love's power + Unconscious, Hero in a sea-side tower, + An ancient and ancestral pile, was dwelling,-- + Another Cypris, but a virgin flower, + In sensitive white purity excelling, + The slander and the touch of license rude repelling. + + She went not where the light-foot choir assembled, + Shunned ribalds, and the breath that Envy blew, + (The fair hate those are fairer,) and she trembled + At thought of young Love's quiver,--for she knew + His mother favoured every shaft he drew; + Prayers to the mother, and with girlish art + Cates to the son she offered: nathless flew + From the sly urchin's bow the fire-plumed dart + Straight to its destined mark, the maiden's trembling heart. + + What time came round the Sestian festival, + Sacred to Cypris, and her Syrian fere, + All who inhabited the coronal + Of sparkling isles their way to Sestos steer; + Some from Emonia gather far and near; + Others from Cyprus; in Cythera now + No woman stays; in Sestos now appear + The Phrygian, and the dancer on the brow + Of spicy Lebanon, as thereto bound by vow. + + Thither the virgin-hunters thick repair, + As is their wont; a rash and reckless race, + Whose prayers are only offered to the fair. + There moved our Hero with majestic pace; + A star-like glory scattered from her face + Sparkles of light, as when the moon discloses + Among the stars her cheek's clear-shining grace; + Like a twin-rose, one white, one red, reposes + On either snow-white cheek the blushing bloom of roses. + + You'd say her limbs were rose-buds; for a light + Of rose-like hues fell from them; you might see + The rose-blush on her feet and ankles white; + And from her limbs with every movement free + Flowed many graces: they who feigned them three + Said falsely, for in Hero's laughing eyes + A thousand graces budded. Such was she-- + Fit priestess of the beauty of the skies, + For without question hers was mortal beauty's prize. + + Into the young men's minds her beauty entered: + Who wished not loveliest Hero for his wife? + Where'er she paced the temple, still she centred + All eyes, hearts, wishes. "I have seen the strife + For beauty's prize in Lacedemon, rife + With virgins radiant, with love's dazzling splendour; + But never there, nor elsewhere in my life, + Saw I a girl so dignified, yet tender; + She surely is a Grace: Oh, would Queen Cypris lend her-- + + "Or give her me! I've tired, not filled mine eye + With gazing. Let me press her dainty side, + And die! A god's life on Olympus high + Would I refuse, had I that girl for bride: + But, since to me thy priestess is denied, + Queen! let my home with such a one be gladdened." + Thus spake one bachelor; another tried + To smile and mock, as tho' he were not saddened, + Hiding the secret wound, which all the time him maddened. + + But thou, Leander, wouldst not hide the wound, + And vex thy secret soul; but when Desire + Surprised thee looking on the maid renowned, + Tamed by the sudden darts of arrowy fire, + Thou wouldst not live without her; fiercer, higher, + Flamed love's hot torch, and pierced into thy marrow, + Fed by her eye-beams. Loveliness, entire + And blameless, sharper is than any arrow, + Reaching the heart of man thro' channel sure tho' narrow. + + The liquid fire from hers to his eye glides, + Thence passing inward, dives into his breast: + A sudden whirl of thoughts his mind divides; + Amazement at her loveliness confest; + Shame at himself soon caught; fear, love's unrest, + And hope, impatient for love's recompense; + But love to this delirious whirl gave zest, + And furnished him with resolute impudence + To venture, and outface that glorious innocence. + + He turned on her askant his guileful eye, + With speechless nods the damsel's mind assailing: + She gladly saw his love, and silently + Her sweet face ever and anon was veiling, + And then with furtive nods her lover hailing, + Bowed to him in return. He with delight + Observed she saw, nor scorned his love. Then, trailing + His robe of beams, the Day departed quite, + (Leander watched the hour,) and rose the star of night. + + Nor, when he saw the dark-robed mist, he lingered, + But hastened boldly to the maid beloved, + And with a sigh her rosy palm he fingered. + But, drawing back her hand, the virgin moved + In silence from th' intruder; unreproved, + For he had seen her nods, and they were kind, + He pulled her broidered robe, and, as behoved, + He drew her gently to the gloom behind: + She slowly followed him, as if against her mind. + + And then with art and language feminine + She threatened him:--"Why pullest me, lewd ranger? + Pursue thy way, I beg, and leave me mine. + To touch a priestess is a deed of danger; + A virgin's bed is not for any stranger." + She spake as virgins should; and yet she missed + To frighten him, who reckoned soon to change her, + When he her chiding heard; for well he wist + That women chide the most when they would fain be kissed. + + Kissing her polished, fragrant neck, he cries: + "After the fairest Cytherea, fair! + And after the most wise Athena, wise! + For with Jove's daughters thee will I compare, + And not with any dames that mortal are; + Happy thy father! happy she who bore thee! + But hear, and pardon, and accept my prayer; + I come for love; for love I now implore thee; + Perform love's ministry with me, for I adore thee. + + "A virgin priestess to the Cyprian Queen! + No grace in virgins Cytherea trows; + To marriage only point her rites, I ween; + Then if to her thy heart true service vows, + Accept me for thy lover and thy spouse, + Whom Eros hunted as a spoil for thee. + As Hermes of the gold-wand (Fame allows) + Led Hercules to serve Queen Omphale, + So Cytherea now, not Hermes, leadeth me. + + "The tale of Atalantis too is known, + Who fled the couch of Prince Milanion, + To keep her virgin flower; but wrath was shewn + By Cypris, who, for scorn to marriage done, + Him once she loved not, made her dote upon: + Beware lest thou too anger her." Commenting + Thus cunningly, the maiden's ear he won, + And willing mind, to dulcet words consenting, + To love's soft eloquence, that genders love, relenting. + + In silence on the ground she fixed her eyes, + And gently turned aside her glowing cheek, + And shuffled her small feet, and modest-wise + Drew round her graceful neck, and bosom sleek, + Her robe yet closer. These are signs that speak; + A virgin's silence ever means consent; + The bitter-sweet of love was hers, and eke + The glow of heart, hopeful, but not content, + While yet the thoughts are lost in love's first wonderment. + + This for Leander gentle Hero felt; + But, while she downward looked, his greedy eyes + Fed on her neck. With words that dew-like melt, + While blossom on her cheek the moist red dies + Of modesty, she says: "Such power there lies + In thy sweet eloquence, that it might move + The flinty rock; who taught the harmonies + Of such enticing words? What impulse drove + Thee hither? Who thy guide? Oh was it, was it Love? + + "Perchance thou mockest me; but how canst thou, + A stranger and unknown, my love enjoy? + I never can be thine by open vow; + My parents shut me up. Can we employ + Art for our secret, love? Oh, men destroy + Who trust them! ever babbling in the street + Of what they do in secret. Wilt decoy + A trusting heart to ruin? yet, as meet, + Speak truth; thy fatherland and name to me repeat. + + "My name is Hero; my abode is lonely, + A tower that lifts its echoes to the sky, + For so my parents will; one handmaid only + Dwells with me there; no choirs e'er court mine eye, + Nor friends of equal years. The shores close by + Rebellow; night and day the roaring tide + Rings in mine ears, and eke the clanging cry + Of the sea-winds." She spake, and sought to hide, + Shamefaced, her rosy cheek, her words to chide. + + Leander then did with himself advise, + How in love's contest he might best contend; + For wily Love, though wont to tyrannise, + Heals whom he wounds, and ever loves to lend + His subjects wit, their counsellor and friend. + He helped Leander, then, who deeply sighed, + And said: "Dear virgin! for our wished-for end + I dauntless on the rugged surge will ride, + Tho' in it ships be whelmed, and o'er it lightnings glide. + + "Seeking thy bed, I tremble not, nor cower + At ocean's angry roar and frightful front: + A dripping bed-mate, nightly to thy tower + Will I swim o'er the rapid Hellespont; + Abydos is not far from Hero's haunt. + But promise me to shew a lamp, to be + My nightly star; and it shall be my wont, + E'en like a ship, to swim across the sea, + Thy lamp the blessed star that guides my course to thee. + + "And, watching it, I ne'er will turn mine eye on + Setting Boötes, nor th' unwetted Wain, + Nor on the sworded, storm-engirt Orion, + But, guided by the lamp, I soon shall gain + Safe anchorage and sweet. Strict guard maintain + Against the blasts, for fear my safety-light + They rudely quench, and in the howling main + I perish so. Leander am I hight, + And Hero's happy spouse." Thus they their love-vows plight. + + She from her tower to shew a lamp agrees, + And he from the swelling waves at night to cleave: + Then to her tower the anxious maiden flees, + While he must in a pinnace Sestos leave, + And in Abydos wait till he receive + The promised signal, his appointed guide, + When he must swim, not sail. Till they achieve + Love's celebration, rest is them denied. + Haste, Night! and canopy the bridegroom and the bride. + + In veil of darkness Night ran up the sky, + Bringing on sleep, but not for Hero's lover; + He, where the swelling waves roared mightily, + For by the shore, stood waiting to discover + The lamentable lamp that lured him over-- + To death at last. But Hero, seaward turning, + Perceived the gloom, and for her ocean-rover + Kindled the signal; but on his discerning + Its promised flame, he burned with love, as that was burning. + + At first he trembled at the ringing roar + Of the mad surge, but with the soothing spell + Of hopeful words took courage; "What is more + Cruel than love, or more implacable + Than ocean? in moist ruin this doth swell; + That in the heart, a burning furnace, raves. + Fear not, my soul! why shouldst thou fear the hell + Of waters? Aphrodite from the waves + Sprung, and rules over them, sways our love pains and saves." + + He then put off his vest with playful glee, + And twined it round his head; and from the shore + Plunged fearlessly into the surf o' the sea; + And where the signal shone, he hastened o'er, + Ship, sail, and oars himself. But yet before + He reached his port, how oft the Sestian flower + Kept off the breezes with the robe she wore + From the trimmed lamp! It is her nuptial hour-- + Leander comes at last, and now ascends her tower. + + With a mute clasp she welcomed to her home + The panting youth, and to her chamber led, + While from his hair fast dropt the salt sea-foam: + She rubbed his limbs with rose-oil, and then led + Her lover to her virgin couch, and said, + Embracing him the while, and softly willing + "Enough of brine and odours which bred: + No bridegroom but thyself was ever willing + To run such risk, such toil none else but thou fulfilling. + + "No longer lies our joy and us between + That envious sea--now lay thee down to rest." + Silence was there, and Night drew round her screen; + Their nuptial troth was by no minstrel blest; + The bridal pair were in no hymn addrest; + No choir danced round them; and no torches lightened + About the genial bed; no marriage guest + Led the gay dance; nor hymeneal heightened + The joy, approving it; no parent's smile there brightened. + + Silence arranged the couch, and Darkness drew + The curtains; paranymph and bridemaid none + Had they beside. Aurora ne'er did view + Leander lying, when the night was done, + In Hero's arms. He was already gone,-- + Already wishing for the night again. + The wife at night, by day a virgin shone. + As thought her parents wise; while she was fain, + Of night, to welcome him who made their wisdom vain. + + Thus they enjoyed awhile their furtive pleasure, + He to his bed-mate nightly swimming o'er; + But soon their life's bloom fell, and scant their measure + Of bridal hours. When came the winter frore, + And brought the cold blast and the whirlwind's roar, + Sharp gusts the bottom of the deep confounding, + And lashing up the main from shore to shore, + Whirling and rushing, roaring and rebounding, + The watery paths above and shaken depths astounding-- + + What time a desperate pilot, who no more + Amid the waters wild his course could hold, + Had run his ship upon a fork o' the shore; + Not then the tempest checked Leander bold, + For Hero's signal-light her summons told. + Oh! cruel, faithless light of love! to scout him + On such a night! to plunge him in the cold + And hissing waves, that rudely toss and flout him! + Why could not Hero sleep, while winter raged, without him? + + But love and fate compelled her; light of love, + Drawn by desire, she shewed not, but the black + Torch-gloom of fate. The winds collected drove + Volumes of gusty darts upon the track + Of the sea-broken shore; but on the back + Of raving ocean lost Leander went. + The water stood in heaps; with fearful crack + The winds ran counter, and were madly blent, + Rushing from every side, in wildest minglement. + + Wave upon wave! ocean with ether mixt! + Mighty the crash! How could Leander ride on + The monstrous whirl? Sore tost, he one while fixt + In prayer on Cypris, then on King Poseidon, + And e'en the fierce and frantic Boreas cried on, + Who then forgot his Atthis. Lover lorn! + None helped him, none! Love, whom he most relied on, + Averted not his fate; tost, tumbled, torn, + By every counter wave he was at random borne. + + He can no longer ply his hands or feet; + Drench'd with the brine, his strength is failing fast; + On him the cruel waves remorseless beat; + The lamp is now extinguished by the blast, + And with it his young life and love at last: + But while the waves his lifeless body drove, + How many a glance poor Hero seaward cast! + In vain into the gloom her glances rove; + Her anxious thoughts a pool of spectred troubles move. + + The morning came, nor yet Leander came! + Upon the sea's broad back her glance was thrown, + If haply, missing that unfaithful flame, + He wandered there; but soon she spied him strown + A mangled corse below. She tore her gown, + And shrieked, and for Leander madly cried, + And from the tower fell whizzing headlong down. + Thus, on her husband dead sweet Hero died, + And who were joined in life, then death did not divide. + + + + + THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON. + +"Signor Giacomo caro, non vi accorgete che sete un giovane senza pare? +Nobile, bello, dotto, e robusto, ed alto quasi egualmente, or lingua or +mano ad oprando, a dire e fare ogni bene?" + + +So, in or about the year of Grace 1582, wrote Sperone Speroni the +Paduan, to James Crichton the Scotchman: + +"Dear James, do you not know that you have no equal? Noble, handsome, +learned, and robust,--equally apt to use the tongue or the hand,--to say +or to do what is excellent?" + +There cannot be the smallest doubt that James knew all this himself; +and now, since the appearance of Mr. Ainsworth's romance, all the world +knows it. Wherefore, as the Admirable has suddenly become an object of +admiration, we are moved to say a few words about him. + +A number of learned people, remarkable chiefly for the dullness of +their learning, have on various occasions undertaken to prove the +egregious quackery and pretension of the famous Scot. Such-like people +are, naturally enough, given to such researches; for they cannot endure +in any shape the rebuke of an obvious superiority. "How now, thou +particular fellow?" said Jack Cade to the man who sought to recommend +himself on the score of being able to write and read; and, "How now, +thou particular fellow?" is the exclamation of plodding pedants to +the illustrious Crichton, when, instead of approaching them covered +with the dust of folios, he bounds into their presence beaming with +grace and beauty, the idol of the gay and the young, the observed of +all observers, crowned with the favours of women, and followed by the +applauding shouts of men! + +We are not pedants, and therefore we have faith in Crichton. How +otherwise? In philosophy and learning was he not a Bayle's Dictionary? +In the universality of his literary accomplishments, a perfect Bentley's +Miscellany? Who shall impugn the opinions of the most classic time of +Scotland, or set up his dogmas against the generous acknowledgments of +Italy in her golden day? And was not Crichton so beautiful in body only +because he was in mind so beautiful;--for, where true beauty exists, who +would separate body from mind? Shade of the Admirable, forgive your poor +detractors, for the sake of the true worship your memory has inspired! +It was natural that to the sight of many men, before whom in life you +strode on so far, you should have dwindled in the distance; but now, +after many years, you reappear again, graceful as ever in form, and +wonderful in accomplishments. We hail you as we should some missing star +that once more "swims into our ken!" + +And what sort of fame is that, the reader possibly asks, which may seek +from the hands of some novelist or romancer its privilege of continuance +in the mouths of men? Let that reader first ask himself how many +brilliant actions there are which pass away and are forgotten--while +a thousandth part of the effort that produced them, embodied in a few +words, might have lived for ever. It was the remark of an old writer, +that words harden into substances, while bodies moulder away into air. +Even Cæsar and Alexander weigh little in comparison with Virgil and +Homer. Now Crichton might have been a Cæsar or an Alexander, if he had +had legions at his back; or, without the legions, if his youth had +been allowed to ripen into age. The great principle of his being was a +stirring and irrepressible activity. His learning was as prodigious as +his accomplishments; but how, in the short six or seven years of his +public life, could he have exhibited them to the admiration of Europe, +if he had set to work in the fashion of the schoolmen? With a probable +forecast of his early doom, he bethought himself of a different way. +He made up for the brevity of his life, by its brightness. He kindled +all its fires at once. Resolved to abate no single particle of his +brilliancy among the great men of his time, he rose at once to the +topmost height of his possible achievements, careless whether he should +fall among posterity, dark as a spent rocket, and recognizable by a few +fragments of faded paper only. But what of that? What he designed to +do, he did. He struck the blow he had desired to strike. And which of +the Great Men has done more? How many have done lamentably less! We see +the beauty and the learning of Crichton reflected back from the most +intellectual minds of the greatest day that ever shone upon Scotland or +Italy. What nobler mirror? + +Justly Mr. Ainsworth remarks--"It is from the effect produced upon his +contemporaries, and _such_ contemporaries, that we can form a just +estimate of the extent of Crichton's powers. By them he was esteemed a +miracle of learning--_divinum planè juvenem_: and we have an instance +in our own times of a great poet and philosopher, whose published +works scarcely bear out the high reputation he enjoyed for colloquial +ability. The idolized friend of Aldus Manutius, of Lorenzo Massa, +Giovanni Donati, and Sperone Speroni, amongst the must accomplished +scholars of their age,--the antagonist of the redoubted Arcangelus +Mercenarius and Giacomo Mazzoni, men who had sounded all the depths +of philosophy,--could not have been other than an extraordinary +person." The allusion to Coleridge here is not altogether out of place. +Coleridge, like Crichton, though in a humbler sphere, preferred prompt +payment to the tardy waiting for posterity. With both it was in some +sort necessary that the effort and the applause should go together. To +Coleridge, for instance, so strong had this habit of excessive talking +become, even the certainty of seeing what he wrote in print the next day +was too remote a stimulus for his imagination; and it was a constant +practice of his to lay aside his pen in the middle of an article, if +a friend happened to drop in upon him, and to finish the subject more +effectually aloud, so that the approbation of his hearer and the sound +of his own voice might be co-instantaneous. But what would Coleridge +have done, if, besides having to write an article for the Courier, +in which he was to unravel some transcendentalism about humanity and +universal brotherhood into a slavish support of the Allies--(a difficult +task we admit),--if, besides this, the ball-room, the ladies' chamber, +the hunting-fields, the riding-house, the lists at the Louvre, and some +profoundly learned controversies with the doctors of Navarre or Padua, +had all, nearly at the same instant, awaited him? Poor Coleridge would +have died at twenty, untouched by opium, and unknown, except by the +admiring testimonies of his less accomplished contemporaries. + +Mr. Ainsworth has omitted, by-the-by, a very characteristic, and, +we think, a very decisive opinion of Crichton, by the famous Joseph +Scaliger. "He was a man of very wonderful genius," observes that +laborious and self-satisfied person; "but he had something of the +coxcomb about him. He wanted a little common sense." Here is an +unbiassed opinion. What Joseph means by the coxcombry is obvious enough. +Why, thinks Joseph, should a scholar have cheerfulness of blood? All +the women ran after Crichton,--a most indecorous thing, and a certain +evidence of coxcombry to a person who cannot get a woman to run after +him,--"Nor were the young unmarried ladies," as Sir Thomas Urquhart +remarks in his jewel of a book, "of all the most eminent places of +Italy anything respected of one another, that had not either a lock of +Crichtown's haire, or a copy of verses of his composing." Who doubts his +coxcombry, or that it was other than a very delightful thing in him? + +A want of common sense, in Scaliger's notion, was probably an over +supply of modesty. Nothing is so remarkable in Crichton as the modesty +which in him united with the most perfect confidence. He proved that a +coxcomb and a confident man may possess the truest modesty. There is a +charming anecdote told of him at a great levee of learned men in Padua, +where, having exposed the errors of the school of Aristotle with equal +solidity, modesty, and acuteness, and perceiving that the enthusiasm +of his audience was carrying them too far in admiration of himself, he +suddenly changed his tone, assumed an extreme playfulness of manner, and +declaimed in exquisite phrase upon the _happiness of ignorance_. Nothing +could have been so perfectly devised to self-check any exuberance of +pride. But in all things his modesty was remarkable, when taken in +connexion with his extraordinary powers. Observe it in the circumstance +of his melancholy death, where a romantic sense of what was due to his +prince and master induced him to throw aside his unmatchable skill, and +present himself naked and defenceless to the dagger of an assassin. +This was not weakness in Crichton. Himself the descendant of rulers of +the earth, of princes and bishops,--(shall we ever forget that perfect +model of ecclesiastical fitness, Bishop George Crichton of Dunkeld, "a +man nobly disposed, very hospitable, and a magnificent housekeeper, but +in matters of religion not much skilled"?)--a weak and unmanly feeling +would have given him presumption, not deference,--would have thrown +insult in the face of Gonzaga, and not ill-required chivalry at his feet. + +But what more need we say of Crichton? Have not three volumes of +brilliant writing been just devoted to the delineation of two days of +his matchlessly brilliant life? We may refer the reader, whether he +is curious after the Admirable Crichton, or after his own amusement +solely, to William Harrison Ainsworth's last romance. An expression of +character equally poetic and dramatic, a rich glow of colouring which +diffuses itself through every part of the work, and a generally easy and +effective style, have secured for this book a high and permanent place +in the literature of fiction. + + [Illustration: R B Sheridan] + + + + + MEMOIRS OF SHERIDAN. + +Though it may appear paradoxical to say so, yet there is no more +melancholy reading than the biography of a celebrated wit. In nine +out of ten cases, what is such a memoir other than a record of acute +suffering, the almost inseparable attendant of that thoughtless and +mercurial temperament which cannot, or will not, conform to the staid +usages society; which makes ten enemies where it makes one friend; is +engaged in a constant warfare with common sense, and lives for the day, +letting the morrow shift for itself? Instances there are of prosperous +wits, such as Congreve, Pope, and some others that we could mention, +whose singular tact and provident habits have preserved them from the +usual fate of their fraternity; but these instances are rare: the +majority, though enjoying, it is true, their sunny hours, and realising +for a brief season their most brilliant hopes, have struggled through +life a prey to the bitterest disappointments. + +The life of Sheridan will go far to verify these cursory remarks. No wit +ever enjoyed more intoxicating successes, or suffered more humiliating +reverses. He had frequent opportunities of realising a handsome +independence; but, with that recklessness and inattention to the +business of life peculiar to such natures as his, he flung away all his +chances, and died a beggar, deserted by almost all his old associates, +his celebrity on the wane, and his character under a cloud. Never was +there a more impressive homily than his death-bed inculcates; it speaks +to the heart, like the closing scene of "great Villiers," and is worth +all the sermons that ever were preached from the pulpit. + +Many, however, of poor Sheridan's defects seem to have descended to +him as a sort of heir-loom from his ancestors. His grandfather, Dr. +Sheridan, the friend and butt of Swift, though an amiable, was a +singularly reckless and improvident man; and his father, the well-known +teacher of elocution, is mentioned more then once by Johnson as being +remarkable for nothing so much as his "wrong-headedness." It is but +justice, however, to this individual to state, that by fits and starts +he paid every attention to his son's education that his straitened means +and capricious temper would allow. In the year 1758, when young Sheridan +had just completed his seventh year, he sent him to a private school in +Dublin, whence, at the expiration of fourteen months, he brought him +over with him to England, and placed him at Harrow, under the care of +Dr. Sumner. From this period to the day of his death, the subject of our +memoir never again beheld his native city. + +Sheridan had not been long at Harrow when he attracted the favourable +notice of Dr. Parr, at that time one of the head-masters of the +establishment, who, perceiving in him unquestionable evidences of +superior capacity, did all he could to stimulate him to exertion. But +his endeavours were fruitless, for the boy was incorrigibly idle, though +a general favourite by reason of his good-humour and the social turn +of his mind,--and left Harrow at the age of eighteen, with a slender +amount of Latin and less Greek, but at the same time with a very fair +acquaintance with the lighter branches of English literature. + +In the year 1770, Sheridan accompanied his family to Bath, which was +then what Cheltenham and Brighton now are,--the head-quarters of gaiety +and dissipation. Here he promptly signalised himself, after the usual +Irish fashion, by an elopement and two duels; thus literally fighting +his way to celebrity! The young lady who was the cause of these +sprightly sallies was Miss Linley, daughter of the eminent musician of +that name, and one of the most beautiful women of her day. At the time +when Sheridan first became acquainted with her she was but sixteen, the +favourite vocalist at the Bath concerts, and the standing toast of all +the wits and gallants of the city. It is to the impassioned feelings +which the charms of this lovely girl called forth in his breast that we +owe our hero's first decided plunge into unequivocal poetry. Having on +one occasion--for the families of the young couple were in habits of +strict intimacy--presumed to offer her some sober counsel, she resented +his officiousness, and a quarrel took place between them, which was not +made up till Sheridan sent some stanzas of a most penitential character, +by way of a peace-offering. We subjoin a specimen or two of this poem, +which evinces unquestionable feeling, but is deformed, as was the +fashion of those days, by tawdry and puerile conceits: + + Oh, this is the grotto where Delia reclined, + As late I in secret her confidence sought; + And this is the tree kept her safe from the wind, + As blushing she heard the grave lesson I taught. + + Then tell me, thou grotto of moss-covered stone, + And tell me, thou willow, with leaves dripping dew, + Did Delia seem vexed when Horatio was gone, + And did she confide her resentment to you? + + Methinks now each bough, as you're waving it, tries + To whisper a cause for the sorrow I feel, + To hint how she frowned when I dared to advise, + And sighed when she saw that I did it with zeal. + + True, true, silly leaves, so she did, I allow; + She frowned, but no rage in her looks could I see; + She frowned, for reflection had clouded her brow; + She sighed, but perhaps 'twas in pity to me. + + Then wave thy leaves brisker, thou willow of woe, + I tell thee no rage in her looks I could see; + I cannot, I will not, believe it was so; + She was not, she could not, be angry with me. + + For well did she know that my heart meant no wrong; + It sank at the thought but of giving her pain; + But trusted its task to a faltering tongue, + Which erred from the feelings it could not explain. + +Sentimental poetry, it is well known, has a great effect in softening +the female heart; and Sheridan soon succeeded in sonnetteering Miss +Linley into sympathy. He had, however, a sturdy opponent to contend +against in the person of Captain Mathews, a married man, of specious +address and persevering gallantry. This _roué_ beset the fair vocalist +in every possible way, and, when mildly but firmly repulsed, threw out a +menace of attacking her good fame. Alarmed at this unmanly threat, and +at the consequences of her father's indignation should the captain's +dishonourable proposals become known to him, Miss Linley had recourse to +Sheridan, who instantly advised her to accept of his escort to France, +where he promised that he would place her under the secure protection of +a convent. With some hesitation she complied with his advice, assisted +not a little in her resolution by the repugnance which she had long +entertained to her profession; and the parties set out for Calais, +accompanied by a third person, a female, by way of chaperon. + +On reaching the place of their destination, Sheridan at once threw off +the mask of the friend, and, addressing Miss Linley as the lover, so +worked upon her feelings by artful hints about the injury her character +would sustain, if she did not give him a legal title to protect her, +that she consented to a private marriage, which accordingly took place +in 1772, at a little village near Calais. The parties then made the best +of their way back to England where they returned to their respective +families; old Linley, from whom the marriage was kept a profound secret, +being, of course, not less incensed than surprised by the, to him, +unaccountable conduct of his daughter. + +Meanwhile Captain Mathews, on learning Miss Linley's extraordinary +flight, instantly made good his threat of defaming her character in the +local journals, for which he was twice called out by Sheridan, who in +the second duel received a wound which long confined him to his bed. +His situation at this period must have been one of extreme uneasiness. +He was separated from his wife, and was on ill terms with his father, +who, on his return from London shortly after the catastrophe, refused +to see him, and even went the length of forbidding any of his family to +hold the slightest intercourse with the Linleys. A communication was +nevertheless kept up between the lovers through the agency of Sheridan's +sisters, who had not the heart to resist the imploring appeals of their +brother. + +In the autumn of 1772 the young Benedict was sent by his father--who was +anxious to detach him wholly from the Linleys--to the house of a friend +in Essex, where he remained for some months in strict retirement, and +spent much of his time in study. While here, he paid occasional flying +visits to London, for the purpose of seeing his wife, who was then +professionally engaged at the Covent Garden oratorios; but, finding no +means of procuring an interview with her, so closely was she watched +by her father, he more than once, it is said, disguised himself as a +hackney-coachman, for the sole pleasure of driving her home from the +theatre. + +The time, however, was at hand when his perseverance was to meet with +its reward. Old Linley, finding that neither threat, supplication, nor +remonstrance could change the current of his daughter's affections and +that, by some mysterious process, letters from her husband always found +their way into her hands, at length gave his reluctant consent to their +union, and they were re-married, by licence, in 1773. + +About this time Sheridan entered himself of the Middle Temple, and took +a small cottage at East Burnham, whither he retired immediately after +his marriage, with no other resources than his wife's slender jointure +and his own talents afforded him. Yet, though cramped in his finances, +he had the fortitude to resist all the golden temptations which Mrs. +Sheridan's musical abilities held out to him; and withdrew her for ever +from public life, resolving henceforth to be himself the artificer of +his own fortunes. + +After a short stay at East Burnham, to which in after-years he often +looked back with regret as being the happiest period of his life, +Sheridan took a house in the neighbourhood of Portman-square, which his +father-in-law kindly furnished for him. Here he laboured with great +assiduity; wrote several political tracts, among which was a reply to +"Junius;" and completed his comedy of the "Rivals," which was brought +out at Covent Garden in the year 1775, and proved a failure on its first +representation, though it subsequently won its way into public favour. +The "Rivals" is a lively play, whose interest seldom or never flags; is +easy and graceful in its dialogue; and contains one or two characters +drawn with consummate skill. That of Falkland, in particular,--the +sensitive, wayward lover, the idea of which was, no doubt, suggested +by Sheridan's own personal experience,--is a masterpiece; and not less +effective is the sketch of Sir Anthony Absolute. Mrs. Malaprop--an +evident imitation of Fielding's Mrs. Slip-slop--is a mere whimsical +caricature; while, as respects Lydia Languish, she is one of the insipid +common-places to be picked up at all watering-places, well delineated, +it is true, but scarcely worth the labour of delineation. + +Sheridan's next production was "St. Patrick's Day;" a clever, bustling +farce, but bearing marks of haste and negligence. It was followed, in +the winter of 1775, by the well-known opera of the "Duenna," which at +once obtained a popularity unexampled in the annals of the drama. The +plot of this delightful play is remarkable for the tact with which it +is conducted; the language is elegant, without being too ornate or +elaborate,--a very common defect in Sheridan's dramas;--and the songs +are prettily versified, which is the highest praise we can accord them. + +In the year 1776, on the retirement of Garrick from the stage, Sheridan +became one of the proprietors of Drury Lane Theatre. How, or by whose +assistance, he obtained the large sum--upwards of forty-five thousand +pounds--necessary to make this purchase, is a mystery which none of +his numerous biographers, with all their research and ingenuity, +have ever been able to fathom. We conclude it must have been by that +winning address, and the strenuous exercise of those unrivalled powers +of persuasion, which, at a later period, enabled Sheridan to work a +miracle,--that is, to soften the soul of an attorney! It was in allusion +to these fascinating powers that a rich City banker once observed, +"Whenever Sherry makes me a bow, it always costs me a good dinner; and +when he calls me 'Tom,' it is a full hundred pounds out of my pocket!" + +The year 1777 was rendered memorable by the production of the "School +for Scandal," which is incomparably the finest comedy of which modern +times can boast. Its success was proportionate to its deserts. It +completely took the town by storm. Nevertheless, transcendent as are the +excellencies of this brilliant play, it is not without many and serious +defects. Its dialogue is too studiously artificial; it has little or +no sustained interest of plot; and its characters--with the exception +of Charles Surface, whose airy, Mercutio-like vivacity conciliates us +in spite of ourselves--are such as them from first to last we regard +with indifference. The incessant dazzle of the language, however,--for +the "School for Scandal" is a perfect repertory of wit,--its consummate +polish, and the power of quick, apt repartee, that it exhibits in every +page, altogether blind us to its defects. The only play that can bear a +comparison with it is Congreve's "Love for Love," which shows an equal +opulence of wit, and an equal sacrifice to effect, of the free and easy +play of nature. + +Sheridan had now the ball at his feet. He was the lion of the day, +courted by all classes; the proprietor of the most thriving theatrical +establishment in London; and, could he but have been industrious, and +exercised ordinary forethought, he might have insured, not merely what +Thomson calls "an elegant sufficiency," but a splendid independence for +life. But indolence was his bane,--the fertile source of all his errors +and all his misfortunes,--the rock on which he split,--the quicksand in +which he was finally engulfed. + +In the year following the production of the "School for Scandal," +Sheridan brought out "The Critic,"--an admirable farce, the conception +of which is derived from the Duke of Buckingham's "Rehearsal." The best +character in this drama, and the most natural and spirited ever drawn by +its author, is that of Sir Fretful Plagiary, which is supposed to have +been meant for Cumberland, who witnessed the representation from one of +the side-boxes, and, being of an irritable, tetchy temperament, must of +course have been highly entertained. + +We are now to regard Sheridan in a new character. Hitherto we have +seen him as the triumphant dramatist,--we are now to see him as the +triumphant orator. He had always, from his first entrance into public +life, had a strong predilection for politics; and the acquaintance +with Burke, Fox, Wyndham, and other eminent statesmen, which he made +at Johnson's Literary Club, decided him on trying his chance in the +House of Commons. Accordingly, in 1780, he stood, and was returned, +for Stafford; and made his first speech, as an avowed partisan of +Fox, in the November of that year, on the presentation of a petition +complaining of his undue election. Though he was listened to with marked +attention, yet so general was the impression that he had failed, that +the well-known printer, Woodfall, who happened to be in the gallery at +the time, said to him, as they quitted the house together, "Oratory is +not your forte; you had much better have stuck to the drama;" on which +Sheridan impatiently interrupted him with, "It is in me, however, and, +by G--! it shall come out." + +But, despite this determined confidence in his own powers, he did not +for months afterwards take any active part in the debates; but, when he +did speak, spoke briefly and unassumingly, with a view, no doubt, to +feel his way. By this shrewd conduct he gained insensibly on the good +opinion of the house, and became at length so useful an auxiliary to +his party, that, on their accession to office in the year 1782, he was +appointed one of the Under Secretaries of State; a snug, easy post, but +which he was compelled shortly to resign by the sudden breaking up of +the ministry, occasioned by the death of the Marquis of Rockingham. + +In the following year he was reinstated in office as Secretary of the +Treasury, a coalition having been formed between Lord North and the +Whigs, much against Sheridan's wishes; for he had the sagacity to +foresee that a junction of such discordant interests could have but one +termination; and the result proved that he was right. The Coalition +Ministry was speedily defeated, chiefly by the King's own personal +exertions; and the Under Secretary of the Treasury found himself once +again transported to that Siberia,--the Opposition bench. + +Up to this period, Sheridan, though acknowledged to be a skilful, ready +debater, had not particularly distinguished himself in the House; but +the hour was approaching which was to draw forth all his powers, and +place him on the very highest pinnacle of oratorical fame. In the year +1787, on the question of Warren Hastings' conduct as Governor-general +of India, he was chosen by his party to bring forward in Parliament the +charge relative to the Begum princesses of Oude. His speech on this +occasion produced an effect on all who heard it, to which there is no +parallel in the records of the senate. It startled the House like a +thunderbolt. Men of all parties vied with each other in lavishing on +it the most enthusiastic praises. Burke declared it to be the "most +astonishing effort of eloquence, argument, and wit united, of which +there was any record or tradition." Fox said, "all that he had ever +heard, all that he had ever read, when compared with it, dwindled into +nothing;" and Pitt--even the cold, reserved Pitt--confessed that, in his +opinion, "it surpassed all the eloquence of ancient or modern times, and +possessed everything that genius or art could furnish, to agitate and +control the human mind." So intense, in short, was the sensation created +by this philippic, that the Minister actually moved an adjournment of +the debate, in order, as he observed, that honourable members might have +time to recover from the mental intoxication into which they had been +thrown by the spells of the enchanter! + +Sheridan was now considered of so much consequence by the Whig party, +that when the trial of Warren Hastings was finally determined on, he was +appointed one of the managers to make good the articles of impeachment; +and brought forward in Westminster Hall, before the most august assembly +in the world, the same charge which he had previously urged in the +House of Commons. On this occasion he spoke for four successive days, +exciting, as before, the astonishment and admiration of all his hearers. +Fortunately this celebrated oration, unlike the former one, has been +preserved, and we are therefore enabled to form a tolerable estimate +of it. It contains much brilliant wit, dexterous reasoning, and ready +sarcasm; but is at the same time defaced by the most tawdry, patchwork +imagery. Whenever Sheridan essays the poetic, he is invariably affected +and on stilts. He cannot soar, like Burke, into the empyreum; for he had +capacity, not imagination. His best passages are his most unlaboured +ones; but of these he seems to have thought least. He tricks out +superficial thoughts and obvious common-places in glittering trope and +metaphor; piles hyperbole on hyperbole, conceit on conceit; and mistakes +such showy, elaborate fustian for the true work of the fancy. There is +as much difference between the figurative composition of Sheridan and +that of Burke, as there is between specious tinsel and sterling gold; +yet, throughout the Westminster Hall proceedings, the former appears to +have thrown the latter completely into the shade,--so apt is the world +to be caught by the mere show and glare of oratory! + +The illness of his Majesty, George the Third, and the discussion on the +Regency question which took place in consequence, afforded Sheridan +numerous other opportunities of distinguishing himself in Parliament. He +espoused, of course, the side of the Prince of Wales, whose confidence +he soon gained, and at whose splendid entertainments he was ever the +favoured guest. He was, in fact, the chief adviser of the heir-apparent, +to whom was entrusted the delicate task of drawing up his state papers; +and he would, no doubt, in the event of a change of ministry, have been +raised to one of the most valuable posts that his party could offer, had +not the King's recovery put an end to his golden expectations. + +Shortly after, a dissolution took place, when he hurried off to +Stafford, with the intention of again trying his luck with that +borough. One of his fellow-passengers chanced to be an elector; on +discovering which, Sheridan took the opportunity of asking him for whom +he should vote. The other, ignorant who it was that put the question, +replied that neither of the candidates were much to be depended on, +but that he would vote for the devil sooner than that scamp Sheridan. +The conversation here dropped for a while; but, having in the interim +contrived to learn from the coachman the name of his opponent, Sheridan +resumed the discourse by observing, that he had heard say there were +many corrupt rogues among the Stafford electors, and that among them +was one Thompson, the biggest scoundrel in the borough. "I am Mr. +Thompson," exclaimed his fellow-traveller, crimson with rage. "And I am +Mr. Sheridan," rejoined the other. The joke was immediately seen, and +the parties became sworn friends ever after. Another anecdote, equally +characteristic of Sheridan, is told of him at this period. A few days +after his return to town, having hired a hackney-coach to take him from +Carlton Palace to his own house, he found himself, as usual, without the +means of paying for it. Luckily he espied his friend Richardson in the +street, and, calling to him to get in, he engaged him in a favourite +discussion, which he was well aware would draw forth all his energies; +and then, after adroitly contradicting him, and so rousing his utmost +indignation, he affected to grow angry himself; and, exclaiming that he +would not remain an instant longer in the same coach with a man capable +of holding such language, he insisted on Jehu setting him down, and +walked quietly to his own house, which was now but a few yards off, +leaving his angry friend to pay the fare! + +In the year 1792, Sheridan lost his beautiful and accomplished wife; +a loss which he took greatly to heart. It was indeed an irreparable +one; for she had long been his best "guide and friend;" and her benign +influence removed, he plunged headlong into that reckless extravagance +which ultimately sealed his ruin. Henceforth, for some time, he seldom +or never distinguished himself in Parliament, though the French +Revolution was then setting all England in a ferment; but was chiefly to +be heard of in the circles of fashion, and at the Carlton House revels. +On the occasion, however, of the Nore Mutiny, he took a decided part, +nobly sacrificing all party considerations in his zeal to maintain his +country's honour. + +About four years after the death of his first wife, Sheridan entered +into a second marriage with Miss Ogle, daughter of the Dean of +Winchester. His affairs were now in a sad state of embarrassment, for he +obtained but a slender jointure with his wife; and, to retrieve them, he +once again turned his attention to the stage. In 1799 he brought out the +play of "Pizarro," which had a prodigious run, and is still occasionally +performed. The style and sentiments of this drama are in the worst +possible taste, utterly at variance with nature, and outraging all the +legitimate rules of composition. Strange, however, to say its author was +as proud of it as even of his "School for Scandal." + +On the death of Mr. Pitt, and the accession of the Whigs to power, +Sheridan was appointed Treasurer of the Navy,--a situation which he +held but a short time, the ministry being unexpectedly broken up by +the demise of Mr. Fox. It was while holding this office that he gave +a splendid entertainment to the Prince of Wales, which swallowed up +his whole year's income. Nevertheless he turned even this absurd +extravagance to account; for, having occasion to allude to his +resignation in Parliament, he, with matchless effrontery, thanked God +that he quitted office as poor as when he entered upon it! + +Parliament being dissolved soon after Fox's death, Sheridan, after a +violent struggle, was returned for Westminster, but was unseated on the +next dissolution, which occurred in 1807. Somewhere about this time +his friend the Prince made him a privy-councillor, and appointed him +to the Receivership of the Duchy of Cornwall; but, whatever were the +pecuniary advantages he derived from this sinecure, they were more than +counterbalanced by the destruction of all his theatrical property by +fire. This calamity took place in 1809, when Sheridan was on his legs at +St. Stephen's. He instantly quitted the House, and, after coolly looking +on at the conflagration, retired to a neighbouring tavern, where he was +found by a friend, luxuriating over a bottle of wine. On being asked how +he could think of enjoying himself at such a time, he replied, "A man +may surely be allowed to take a glass by his own fireside!" + +We now approach the last and most melancholy period of poor Sheridan's +life. The sun that we have seen blazing so long and brilliantly, is +now about to set in storm and cloud. Having committed himself with his +party by some mysterious intrigues in which he had engaged, relative to +the formation of a new ministry, Sheridan lost almost all his political +influence; and, on the dissolution of Parliament in 1812, was defeated +in his attempts to be re-elected for Stafford. Ruin now begun to stare +him in the face. The management of the new theatre had been, some time +before, taken out of his hands; his debts were on the increase; his duns +grew daily more clamorous; and he had no longer the House of Commons +to fly to for shelter. To such a wretched state of destitution was he +now reduced, that he was absolutely compelled to pawn his books, his +pictures, and all his most valuable furniture. Nor was this the worst. +In the spring of 1814 he was arrested and carried to a spunging-house, +where he remained in "durance vile" upwards of three days! + +From this moment he never again held up his head, or ventured abroad +into the world. His heart was broken, and he would sit for hours +weeping in the solitude of his chamber. Yet, though hovering on the +very threshold of the grave, his duns allowed him not the slightest +respite; writs and executions were multiplied against him; and the +bailiffs at length forced their way into his house. He was then dying; +yet, even in that state, the agents of the law were about to carry +him out in blankets, when the interference of a friend saved him +from the humiliation of drawing his last breath in a spunging-house. +And where were all his fashionable and titled friends during this +season of distress? Where were the princes, and dukes, and lords, of +whom he had so long been the idol? All had flown; the sight of his +death-bed--and such a death-bed!--would, no doubt, have been too much +for their delicate sensibilities; and, with the exception of Messrs. +Moore, Rogers, and one or two other friends, who remained faithful to +the last, there was not one to close his dying eyes. But when all was +over, then came the pomp and the pageantry, the titled pall-bearers, the +long array of mourners, the public funeral, and the tomb in Westminster +Abbey! Poor Sheridan! He was thought of sufficient consequence to be +laid by the side of the departed worthies of England; yet the very men +who paid this homage to his ashes, scorned to come near him in his +poverty! + +At the period of his death, which took place in 1816, Sheridan had just +completed his sixty-fifth year. His constitution was robust and healthy; +and he might have lived full ten years longer, had not grief and his +own excesses cut short the span of his days. In youth he was considered +handsome; but long confirmed habits of conviviality had obliterated, ere +he had yet entered on the autumn of life, every trace of comeliness. +His manners were remarkably insinuating, especially to women; his wit +ever at command; and his flow of animal spirits unflagging. His worst +failing was his unconquerable indolence. To this may be attributed +all his misfortunes, and those humiliating expedients to which he was +compelled to have recourse in order in ward off the evil day. So deeply +was this vice implanted in his nature, that, even when he had to attend +the funeral of his old friend Richardson, he could not be prevailed on +to set out in time, but arrived after the service was concluded, which, +at his particular request, was performed a second time. + +Lord Byron, who saw much of him in his decline, has stated--as we see +by Moore's admirable life of that poet--that Sheridan's wit was bitter +and morose, rather than sparkling or conciliatory. It should be borne in +mind, however, that he was then worn down by sickness, disappointed in +all his hopes, and deserted by that Prince on whose favour he laid so +much stress, and to preserve which he had made so many sacrifices. The +concurrent testimony of those who knew him in his best days represents +him as having been, like a Wharton or a Villiers, the "life of pleasure +and the soul of whim." That in the course of his meteor-like career he +committed many indefensible acts, and carried the faculty of non-payment +to its highest point of perfection, is true; but, before we finally +condemn him, let us consider what was his education, what his original +position in society, and, above all, what were his temptations. He +was never taught in early life to set a right value on thrifty and +industrious habits. His father was an eccentric being from whose example +he could derive no benefit; and, at an age when the majority of men are +yet in the parental leading-strings, he was cast adrift upon the world, +to sink or swim as might happen. Thus situated, without any legitimate +profession or certain income, he made his own way to celebrity; and if, +while associating with people infinitely his superiors in rank, wealth, +and all worldly advantages, he imbibed their extravagances and aped +their follies, such weakness is surely a fitter subject for our regret +than indignation. At any rate, let us not forget that, if he erred, he +paid the penalty; and that many men a thousand times worse than ever he +was, but with more tact in concealing their faults, have gone down to +the grave honoured and lamented as good citizens and good Christians. + + + + + A SUMMER NIGHT'S REVERIE. + + 'Tis night--and, save the waterfall + That murmurs through the stony vale, + No sound is near the castle wall + On which the moonlight falls so pale! + + There is no wind, but up on high + The clouds are passing hurriedly; + And the bright tops of tree and tow'r + Look chilly cold, although the hour + Is midtime of a summer's night, + When moon is mixt with morning light. + + There is a terror o'er the scene, + As if but lately it had been + A battle-plain,--and dead and dying + Were silent in the shadows lying! + + Is it within the night's lone hour-- + The open vale, or closed bower-- + The murmur of the distant dells, + That such wild melancholy dwells? + Is it the silvery orbs that sleep + So tranquilly in heaven's deep, + That with their silence wake the mind + To such calm sorrow--such refin'd, + And mixture sweet of joy and grief, + That makes young hearts think tears relief? + + Why should the softest season bring + The mind such blissful suffering, + As oft we feel when Nature's rest + Seems most divinely--calmly blest? + + Who ever roam'd on moonlit night, + And thought its beam was gaily bright? + Who ever heard a serenade, + With ev'n a theme of lightest mirth, + But melancholy echoes play'd, + And sighs within the heart had birth? + Who ever trode, in glenwood way, + The trellised shadows of the trees, + But felt come o'er his spirit's play + A mournful cadence like a breeze?-- + A mingled thrill of pain and bliss-- + A dream of hopes and mem'ries lost? + Oh! even happiest lovers' kiss, + By moonlight is with sadness crost! + At such an hour the gayest thing + Is sicklied o'er with pleasing sorrow: + The nightingale would gladly sing, + Were we to list its song by morrow! + + Such is to-night--a soft, calm, summer night-- + Dim in its beauty,--gloomy in its light!-- + Breathing a peacefulness o'er vale and hill, + But in its quiet, something sadden'd still! W. + + + + + SONGS OF THE MONTH. No. V. + May, 1837. + + MAY MORNING. + + Welcome, sweet May! + There is not a day + On the wings of the whole year round, + That sheds in its flight + Such heart-felt delight + As thou dost, with even thy sound! + May! May! + There's music in May, + From the breath of the mead + To the song of the spray! + + Welcome, fair May! + The first dewy ray + That awaken'd the infant earth, + Descended when Thou + (With spring-summer brow) + And Beauty were twins of a birth! + May! May! + There's something in May + That even the lips + Of thy son[88] could not say! + W. + +[88] Mercury, god of eloquence, son of Jupiter and Maia. + + + + + LEARY THE PIPER'S LILT. + + This is the first o' the May, boys! + Listen to me, an' my planxty pipe + Will show ye the fun o' the day, boys! + I know for a spree that ye're always ripe, + And fond o' gingerbread while it is gilt. + "Hurroo! for Leary the Piper's Lilt!" + + First, on the _first_ o' the May, boys! + Do as the birds did Valentine morn; + Find out a lass for the day, boys! + And then together go _gether_ the thorn-- + I warrant she'll never be jade or jilt. + "Hurroo! for Leary the Piper's Lilt!" + + Go where ye _may_ for the May, boys! + Folla yir nose, an' ye'll find it soon: + On every hedge by the way, boys! + Ye'll hear it singin' its scented tune, + Unless by the breath o' your darlin' _kilt_! + "Hurroo! for Leary the Piper's Lilt!" + + But isn't it betther the _May_, boys! + All living to _lave_ on its flow'ry tree, + Than wound it by _braking_ away, boys! + A branch that in blossom not long will be + When the rosy dew that it drank is spilt? + "Hurroo! for Leary the Piper's Lilt!" + + An' when ye're all tir'd o' the May, boys! + Come to the sign o' the Muzzle an' Can: + An' there, at the close o' the day, boys! + Let ev'ry lass, by the side of her man, + Dance till the daisies are spreadin' their quilt. + "Hurroo! for Leary the Piper's Lilt!" + W. + + + + + OLIVER TWIST; + OR, THE PARISH BOY'S PROGRESS. + BY BOZ. + + ILLUSTRATED BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. + + + CHAPTER THE SEVENTH. + + OLIVER CONTINUES THE REFRACTORY. + +Noah Claypole ran along the streets at his swiftest pace, and paused not +once for breath until he reached the workhouse-gate. Having rested here, +for a minute or so, to collect a good burst of sobs and an imposing show +of tears and terror, he knocked loudly at the wicket, and presented such +a rueful face to the aged pauper who opened it, that even he, who saw +nothing but rueful faces about him at the best of times, started back in +astonishment. + +"Why, what's the matter with the boy?" said the old pauper. + +"Mr. Bumble! Mr. Bumble!" cried Noah, with well-affected dismay, and +in tones so loud and agitated that they not only caught the ear of Mr. +Bumble himself who happened to be hard by, but alarmed him so much that +he rushed into the yard without his cocked hat,--which is a very curious +and remarkable circumstance, as showing that even a beadle, acted upon +by a sudden and powerful impulse, may be afflicted with a momentary +visitation of loss of self-possession, and forgetfulness of personal +dignity. + +"Oh, Mr. Bumble, sir!" said Noah; "Oliver, sir,--Oliver has----" + +"What? what?" interposed Mr. Bumble, with a gleam of pleasure in his +metallic eyes. "Not run away: he hasn't run away; has he, Noah?" + +"No, sir, no; not run away, sir, but he's turned wicious," replied Noah. +"He tried to murder me, sir; and then he tried to murder Charlotte, and +then missis. Oh, what dreadful pain it is! such agony, please sir!" +and here Noah writhed and twisted his body into an extensive variety +of eel-like positions; thereby giving Mr. Bumble to understand that, +from the violent and sanguinary onset of Oliver Twist, he had sustained +severe internal injury and damage, from which he was at that speaking +suffering the acutest torture. + +When Noah saw that the intelligence he communicated perfectly paralysed +Mr. Bumble, he imparted additional effect thereunto, by bewailing his +dreadful wounds ten times louder than before: and, when he observed a +gentleman in a white waistcoat crossing the yard, he was more tragic +in his lamentations than ever, rightly conceiving it highly expedient +to attract the notice, and rouse the indignation, of the gentleman +aforesaid. + +[Illustration: Oliver introduced to the respectable Old Gentleman] + +The gentleman's notice was very soon attracted; for he had not walked +three paces when he turned angrily round, and inquired what that +young cur was howling for, and why Mr. Bumble did not favour him with +something which would render the series of vocular exclamations so +designated, an involuntary process. + +"It's a poor boy from the free-school, sir," replied Mr. Bumble, "who +has been nearly murdered--all but murdered, sir--by young Twist." + +"By Jove!" exclaimed the gentleman in the white waistcoat, stopping +short. "I knew it! I felt a strange presentiment from the very first, +that that audacious young savage would come to be hung!" + +"He has likewise attempted, sir, to murder the female servant," said Mr. +Bumble, with a face of ashy paleness. + +"And his missis," interposed Mr. Claypole. + +"And his master, too, I think you said, Noah?" added Mr. Bumble. + +"No, he's out, or he would have murdered him," replied Noah. "He said he +wanted to--" + +"Ah! said he wanted to--did he, my boy?" inquired the gentleman in the +white waistcoat. + +"Yes, sir," replied Noah; "and, please sir, missis wants to know whether +Mr. Bumble can spare time to step up there directly, and flog him, +'cause master's out." + +"Certainly, my boy; certainly," said the gentleman in the white +waistcoat, smiling benignly, and patting Noah's head, which was about +three inches higher than his own. "You're a good boy--a very good boy. +Here's a penny for you. Bumble, just step up to Sowerberry's with your +cane, and see what's best to be done. Don't spare him, Bumble." + +"No, I will not, sir," replied the beadle, adjusting the wax-end which +was twisted round the bottom of his cane for purposes of parochial +flagellation. + +"Tell Sowerberry not to spare him, either. They'll never do anything +with him, without stripes and bruises," said the gentleman in the white +waistcoat. + +"I'll take care, sir," replied the beadle. And, the cocked hat and +cane having been by this time adjusted to their owner's satisfaction, +Mr. Bumble and Noah Claypole betook themselves with all speed to the +undertaker's shop. + +Here the position of affairs had not at all improved, for Sowerberry had +not yet returned, and Oliver continued to kick with undiminished vigour +at the cellar-door. The accounts of his ferocity, as related by Mrs. +Sowerberry and Charlotte, were of so startling a nature that Mr. Bumble +judged it prudent to parley before opening the door: with this view, he +gave a kick at the outside, by way of prelude, and then, applying his +mouth to the keyhole, said, in a deep and impressive tone, + +"Oliver!" + +"Come; you let me out!" replied Oliver, from the inside. + +"Do you know this here voice, Oliver?" said Mr. Bumble. + +"Yes," replied Oliver. + +"Ain't you afraid of it, sir? Ain't you a-trembling while I speak, sir?" +said Mr. Bumble. + +"No!" replied Oliver, boldly. + +An answer so different from the one he had expected to elicit, and was +in the habit of receiving, staggered Mr. Bumble not a little. He stepped +back from the keyhole, drew himself up to his full height, and looked +from one to another of the three bystanders in mute astonishment. + +"Oh, you know, Mr. Bumble, he must be mad," said Mrs. Sowerberry. "No +boy in half his senses could venture to speak so to you." + +"It's not madness, ma'am," replied Mr. Bumble, after a few moments of +deep meditation; "it's meat." + +"What!" exclaimed Mrs. Sowerberry. + +"Meat, ma'am, meat," replied Bumble, with stern emphasis. "You've +overfed him, ma'am. You've raised a artificial soul and spirit in +him, ma'am, unbecoming a person of his condition, as the board, Mrs. +Sowerberry, who are practical philosophers, will tell you. What have +paupers to do with soul or spirit either? It's quite enough that we let +'em have live bodies. If you had kept the boy on gruel, ma'am, this +would never have happened." + +"Dear, dear!" ejaculated Mrs. Sowerberry, piously raising her eyes to +the kitchen ceiling. "This comes of being liberal!" + +The liberality of Mrs. Sowerberry to Oliver had consisted in a profuse +bestowal upon him, of all the dirty odds and ends which nobody else +would eat; so that there was a great deal of meekness and self-devotion +in her voluntarily remaining under Mr. Bumble's heavy accusation, of +which, to do her justice, she was wholly innocent in thought, word, or +deed. + +"Ah!" said Mr. Bumble, when the lady brought her eyes down to earth +again. "The only thing that can be done now, that I know of, is to +leave him in the cellar for a day or so till he's a little starved +down, and then to take him out, and keep him on gruel all through his +apprenticeship. He comes of a bad family--excitable natures, Mrs. +Sowerberry. Both the nurse and doctor said that that mother of his made +her way here, against difficulties and pain that would have killed any +well-disposed woman weeks before." + +At this point of Mr. Bumble's discourse, Oliver just hearing enough +to know that some further allusion was being made to his mother, +recommenced kicking with a violence which rendered every other sound +inaudible. Sowerberry returned at this juncture, and Oliver's offence +having been explained to him, with such exaggerations as the ladies +thought best calculated to rouse his ire, he unlocked the cellar-door in +a twinkling, and dragged his rebellious apprentice out by the collar. + +Oliver's clothes had been torn in the beating he had received; his face +was bruised and scratched, and his hair scattered over his forehead. The +angry flush had not disappeared, however; and when he was pulled out of +his prison, he scowled boldly on Noah, and looked quite undismayed. + +"Now, you are a nice young fellow, ain't you?" said Sowerberry, giving +Oliver a shake, and a sound box on the ear. + +"He called my mother names," replied Oliver, sullenly. + +"Well, and what if he did, you little ungrateful wretch?" said Mrs. +Sowerberry. "She deserved what he said, and worse." + +"She didn't!" said Oliver. + +"She did!" said Mrs. Sowerberry. + +"It's a lie!" said Oliver. + +Mrs. Sowerberry burst into a flood of tears. + +This flood of tears left Sowerberry no alternative. If he had hesitated +for one instant to punish Oliver most severely, it must be quite clear +to every experienced reader that he would have been, according to all +precedents in disputes of matrimony established, a brute, an unnatural +husband, an insulting creature, a base imitation of a man, and various +other agreeable characters too numerous for recital within the limits of +this chapter. To do him justice, he was, as far as his power went,--it +was not very extensive,--kindly disposed towards the boy; perhaps +because it was his interest to be so, perhaps because his wife disliked +him. The flood of tears, however, left him no resource; so he at once +gave him a drubbing, which satisfied even Mrs. Sowerberry herself, and +rendered Mr. Bumble's subsequent application of the parochial cane +rather unnecessary. For the rest of the day he was shut up in the back +kitchen, in company with a pump and a slice of bread; and, at night, +Mrs. Sowerberry, after making various remarks outside the door, by no +means complimentary to the memory of his mother, looked into the room, +and, amidst the jeers and pointings of Noah and Charlotte, ordered him +up stairs to his dismal bed. + +It was not until he was left alone in the silence and stillness of the +gloomy workshop of the undertaker, that Oliver gave way to the feelings +which the day's treatment may be supposed likely to have awakened in +a mere child. He had listened to their taunts with a look of dogged +contempt; he had borne the lash without a cry, for he felt that pride +swelling in his heart which would have kept down a shriek to the last, +if they had roasted him alive. But, now that there were none to see or +hear him, he fell upon his knees on the floor, and, hiding his face in +his hands, wept such tears as God send for the credit of our nature, few +so young may ever have cause to pour out before him. + +For a long time Oliver remained motionless in this attitude. The candle +was burning low in the socket when he rose to his feet, and having gazed +cautiously round him, and listened intently, gently undid the fastenings +of the door and looked abroad. + +It was a cold dark night. The stars seemed to the boy's eyes further +from the earth than he had ever seen them before; there was no wind, and +the sombre shadows thrown by the trees on the earth looked sepulchral +and death-like, from being so still. He softly reclosed the door, and, +having availed himself of the expiring light of the candle to tie up in +a handkerchief the few articles of wearing apparel he had, sat himself +down upon a bench to wait for morning. + +With the first ray of light that struggled through the crevices in +the shutters Oliver rose, and again unbarred the door. One timid look +around,--one moment's pause of hesitation,--he had closed it behind him, +and was in the open street. + +He looked to the right and to the left, uncertain whither to fly. He +remembered to have seen the waggons as they went out, toiling up the +hill; he took the same route, and arriving at a footpath across the +fields, which he thought after some distance led out again into the +road, struck into it, and walked quickly on. + +Along this same footpath, Oliver well remembered he had trotted beside +Mr. Bumble, when he first carried him to the workhouse from the farm. +His way lay directly in front of the cottage. His heart beat quickly +when he bethought himself of this, and he half resolved to turn back. +He had come a long way though, and should lose a great deal of time by +doing so. Besides, it was so early that there was very little fear of +his being seen; so he walked on. + +He reached the house. There was no appearance of its inmates stirring at +that early hour. Oliver stopped, and peeped into the garden. A child was +weeding one of the little beds; and, as he stopped, he raised his pale +face, and disclosed the features of one of his former companions. Oliver +felt glad to see him before he went, for, though younger than himself, +he had been his little friend and playmate; they had been beaten, and +starved, and shut up together, many and many a time. + +"Hush, Dick!" said Oliver, as the boy ran to the gate, and thrust his +thin arm between the rails to greet him. "Is any one up?" + +"Nobody but me," replied the child. + +"You mustn't say you saw me, Dick," said Oliver; "I am running away. +They beat and ill-use me, Dick; and I am going to seek my fortune some +long way off, I don't know where. How pale you are!" + +"I heard the doctor tell them I was dying," replied the child with a +faint smile. "I am very glad to see you, dear; but don't stop, don't +stop." + +"Yes, yes, I will, to say good-b'ye to you," replied Oliver. "I shall +see you again, Dick; I know I shall. You will be well and happy." + +"I hope so," replied the child, "after I am dead, but not before. I know +the doctor must be right. Oliver; because I dream so much of heaven, and +angels, and kind faces that I never see when I am awake. Kiss me," said +the child, climbing up the low gate, and flinging his little arms round +Oliver's neck. "Good-b'ye dear! God bless you!" + +The blessing was from a young child's lips, but it was the first that +Oliver had ever heard invoked upon his head; and through all the +struggles and sufferings of his after life, through all the troubles and +changes of many weary years, he never once forgot it. + + + CHAPTER THE EIGHTH. + + OLIVER WALKS TO LONDON, AND ENCOUNTERS ON THE ROAD + A STRANGE SORT OF YOUNG GENTLEMAN. + +Oliver reached the stile at which the by-path terminated, and once more +gained the high-road. It was eight o'clock now; and, though he was +nearly five miles away from the town, he ran, and hid behind the hedges +by turns, till noon, fearing that he might be pursued and overtaken. +Then he sat down to rest at the side of a mile-stone, and began to think +for the first time where he had better go and try to live. + +The stone by which he was seated bore, in large characters, an +intimation that it was just seventy miles from that spot to London. The +name awakened a new train of ideas in the boy's mind. London!--that +great large place!--nobody--not even Mr. Bumble--could ever find him +there. He had often heard the old men in the workhouse, too, say that no +lad of spirit need want in London, and that there were ways of living in +that vast city which those who had been bred up in country parts had no +idea of. It was the very place for a homeless boy, who must die in the +streets unless some one helped him. As these things passed through his +thoughts, he jumped upon his feet, and again walked forward. + +He had diminished the distance between himself and London by full four +miles more, before he recollected how much he must undergo ere he +could hope to reach his place of destination. As this consideration +forced itself upon him, he slackened his pace a little, and meditated +upon his means of getting there. He had a crust of bread, a coarse +shirt, and two pairs of stockings in his bundle; and a penny--a gift of +Sowerberry's after some funeral in which he had acquitted himself more +than ordinarily well--in his pocket. "A clean shirt," thought Oliver, +"is a very comfortable thing,--very; and so are two pairs of darned +stockings, and so is a penny; but they are small helps to a sixty-five +miles' walk in winter time." But Oliver's thoughts, like those of most +other people, although they were extremely ready and active to point out +his difficulties, were wholly at a loss to suggest any feasible mode of +surmounting them; so, after a good deal of thinking to no particular +purpose, he changed his little bundle over to the other shoulder, and +trudged on. + +Oliver walked twenty miles that day; and all that time tasted nothing +but the crust of dry bread, and a few draughts of water which he begged +at the cottage-doors by the road-side. When the night came, he turned +into a meadow, and, creeping close under a hay-rick, determined to lie +there till morning. He felt frightened at first, for the wind moaned +dismally over the empty fields, and he was cold and hungry, and more +alone than he had ever felt before. Being very tired with his walk, +however, he soon fell asleep and forgot his troubles. + +He felt cold and stiff when he got up next morning, and so hungry that +he was obliged to exchange the penny for a small loaf in the very first +village through which he passed. He had walked no more than twelve +miles, when night closed in again; for his feet were sore, and his legs +so weak that they trembled beneath him. Another night passed in the +bleak damp air only made him worse; and, when he set forward on his +journey next morning, he could hardly crawl along. + +He waited at the bottom of a steep hill till a stage-coach came up, +and then begged of the outside passengers; but there were very few who +took any notice of him, and even those, told him to wait till they got +to the top of the hill, and then let them see how far he could run for +a halfpenny. Poor Oliver tried to keep up with the coach a little way, +but was unable to do it, by reason of his fatigue and sore feet. When +the outsides saw this, they put their halfpence back into their pockets +again, declaring that he was an idle young dog, and didn't deserve +anything; and the coach rattled away, and left only a cloud of dust +behind. + +In some villages, large painted boards were fixed up, warning all +persons who begged within the district that they would be sent to jail, +which frightened Oliver very much, and made him very glad to get out of +them with all possible expedition. In others he would stand about the +inn-yards, and look mournfully at every one who passed; a proceeding +which generally terminated in the landlady's ordering one of the +post-boys who were lounging about, to drive that strange boy out of the +place, for she was sure he had come to steal something. If he begged at +a farmer's house, ten to one but they threatened to set the dog on him; +and when he showed his nose in a shop, they talked about the beadle, +which brought Oliver's heart up into his mouth,--very often the only +thing he had there, for many hours together. + +In fact, if it had not been for a good-hearted turnpike-man, and a +benevolent old lady, Oliver's troubles would have been shortened by the +very same process which put an end to his mother's; in other words, he +would most assuredly have fallen dead upon the king's highway. But the +turnpike-man gave him a meal of bread and cheese; and the old lady, who +had a shipwrecked grandson wandering barefooted in some distant part of +the earth, took pity upon the poor orphan, and gave him what little she +could afford--and more--with such kind and gentle words, and such tears +of sympathy and compassion, that they sank deeper into Oliver's soul +than all the sufferings he had ever undergone. + +Early on the seventh morning after he had left his native place, Oliver +limped slowly into the little town of Barnet. The window-shutters were +closed, the street was empty, not a soul had awakened to the business of +the day. The sun was rising in all his splendid beauty, but the light +only seemed to show the boy his own lonesomeness and desolation as he +sat with bleeding feet and covered with dust upon a cold door-step. + +By degrees the shutters were opened, the window-blinds were drawn up, +and people began passing to and fro. Some few stopped to gaze at Oliver +for a moment or two, or turned round to stare at him as they hurried by; +but none relieved him, or troubled themselves to inquire how he came +there. He had no heart to beg, and there he sat. + +He had been crouching on the step for some time, gazing listlessly at +the coaches as they passed through, and thinking how strange it seemed +that they could do with ease in a few hours what it had taken him a +whole week of courage and determination beyond his years to accomplish, +when he was roused by observing that a boy who had passed him carelessly +some minutes before, had returned, and was now surveying him most +earnestly from the opposite side of the way. He took little heed of this +at first; but the boy remained in the same attitude of close observation +so long, that Oliver raised his head, and returned his steady look. Upon +this, the boy crossed over, and, walking close up to Oliver, said, + +"Hullo! my covey, what's the row?" + +The boy who addressed this inquiry to the young wayfarer was about his +own age, but one of the queerest-looking boys that Oliver had ever +seen. He was a snub-nosed, flat-browed, common-faced boy enough, and +as dirty a juvenile as one would wish to see; but he had got about him +all the airs and manners of a man. He was short of his age, with rather +bow-legs, and little sharp ugly eyes. His hat was stuck on the top of +his head so slightly that it threatened to fall off every moment, and +would have done so very often if the wearer had not had a knack of every +now and then giving his head a sudden twitch, which brought it back to +its old place again. He wore a man's coat, which reached nearly to his +heels. He had turned the cuffs back halfway up his arm to get his hands +out of the sleeves, apparently with the ultimate view of thrusting them +into the pockets of his corduroy trousers, for there he kept them. He +was altogether as roystering and swaggering a young gentleman as ever +stood three feet six, or something less, in his bluchers. + +"Hullo, my covey, what's the row?" said this strange young gentleman to +Oliver. + +"I am very hungry and tired," replied Oliver, the tears standing in his +eyes as he spoke. "I have walked a long way,--I have been walking these +seven days." + +"Walking for sivin days!" said the young gentleman. "Oh, I see. Beak's +order, eh? But," he added, noticing Oliver's look of surprise, "I +suppose you don't know wot a beak is, my flash com-pan-i-on." + +Oliver mildly replied, that he had always heard a bird's mouth described +by the term in question. + +"My eyes, how green!" exclaimed the young gentleman. "Why, a beak's a +madg'st'rate; and when you walk by a beak's order, it's not straight +forerd, but always going up, and nivir coming down agen. Was you never +on the mill?" + +"What mill?" inquired Oliver. + +"What mill!--why, _the_ mill,--the mill as takes up so little room that +it'll work inside a stone jug, and always goes better when the wind's +low with people than when it's high, acos then they can't get workmen. +But come," said the young gentleman; "you want grub, and you shall have +it. I'm at low-water-mark,--only one bob and a magpie; but, _as_ far +_as_ it goes, I'll fork out and stump. Up with you on your pins. There: +now then, morrice." + +Assisting Oliver to rise, the young gentleman took him to an adjacent +chandler's shop, where he purchased a sufficiency of ready-dressed ham +and a half-quartern loaf, or, as he himself expressed it, "a fourpenny +bran;" the ham being kept clean and preserved from dust by the ingenious +expedient of making a hole in the loaf by pulling out a portion of the +crumb, and stuffing it therein. Taking the bread under his arm, the +young gentleman turned into a small public-house, and led the way to a +tap-room in the rear of the premises. Here, a pot of beer was brought in +by the direction of the mysterious youth; and Oliver, falling to, at his +new friend's bidding, made a long and hearty meal, during the progress +of which the strange boy eyed him from time to time with great attention. + +"Going to London?" said the strange boy, when Oliver had at length +concluded. + +"Yes." + +"Got any lodgings?" + +"No." + +"Money?" + +"No." + +The strange boy whistled, and put his arms into his pockets as far as +the big-coat sleeves would let them go. + +"Do you live in London?" inquired Oliver. + +"Yes, I do, when I'm at home," replied the boy. "I suppose you want some +place to sleep in to-night, don't you?" + +"I do indeed," answered Oliver. "I have not slept under a roof since I +left the country." + +"Don't fret your eyelids on that score," said the young gentleman. "I've +got to be in London to-night, and I know a 'spectable old genelman as +lives there, wot'll give you lodgings for nothink, and never ask for the +change; that is, if any genelman he knows interduces you. And don't he +know me?--Oh, no,--not in the least,--by no means,--certainly not." + +The young gentleman smiled, as if to intimate that the latter fragments +of discourse were playfully ironical, and finished the beer as he did so. + +This unexpected offer of shelter was too tempting to be resisted, +especially as it was immediately followed up, by the assurance that the +old gentleman already referred to, would doubtless provide Oliver with a +comfortable place without loss of time. This led to a more friendly and +confidential dialogue, from which Oliver discovered that his friend's +name was Jack Dawkins, and that he was a peculiar pet and _protegé_ of +the elderly gentleman before mentioned. + +Mr. Dawkins's appearance did not say a vast deal in favour of the +comforts which his patron's interest obtained for those whom he took +under his protection; but as he had a somewhat flighty and dissolute +mode of conversing, and furthermore avowed that among his intimate +friends he was better known by the _sobriquet_ of "The artful Dodger," +Oliver concluded that, being of a dissipated and careless turn, the +moral precepts of his benefactor had hitherto been thrown away upon +him. Under this impression, he secretly resolved to cultivate the good +opinion of the old gentleman as quickly as possible; and, if he found +the Dodger incorrigible, as he more than half suspected he should, to +decline the honour of his farther acquaintance. + +As John Dawkins objected to their entering London before nightfall, it +was nearly eleven o'clock when they reached the turnpike at Islington. +They crossed from the Angel into St. John's-road, struck down the +small street which terminates at Sadler's Wells theatre, through +Exmouth-street and Coppice-row, down the little court by the side of +the workhouse, across the classic ground which once bore the name of +Hockley-in-the-hole, thence into Little Saffron-hill, and so into +Saffron-hill the Great, along which the Dodger scudded at a rapid pace, +directing Oliver to follow close at his heels. + +Although Oliver had enough to occupy his attention in keeping sight of +his leader, he could not help bestowing a few hasty glances on either +side of the way as he passed along. A dirtier or more wretched place he +had never seen. The street was very narrow and muddy, and the air was +impregnated with filthy odours. There were a good many small shops; but +the only stock in trade appeared to be heaps of children, who, even at +that time of night, were crawling in and out at the doors, or screaming +from the inside. The sole places that seemed to prosper amid the general +blight of the place were the public-houses, and in them, the lowest +orders of Irish (who are generally the lowest orders of anything) were +wrangling with might and main. Covered ways and yards, which here and +there diverged from the main street, disclosed little knots of houses +where drunken men and women were positively wallowing in the filth; and +from several of the doorways, great ill-looking fellows were cautiously +emerging, bound, to all appearance, upon no very well-disposed or +harmless errands. + +Oliver was just considering whether he hadn't better run away, when they +reached the bottom of the hill: his conductor, catching him by the arm, +pushed open the door of a house near Field-lane, and, drawing him into +the passage, closed it behind them. + +"Now, then," cried a voice from below, in reply to a whistle from the +Dodger. + +"_Plummy and slam!_" was the reply. + +This seemed to be some watchword or signal that it was all right; for +the light of a feeble candle gleamed upon the wall at the farther end of +the passage, and a man's face peeped out from where a balustrade of the +old kitchen staircase had been broken away. + +"There's two on you," said the man, thrusting the candle farther out, +and shading his eyes with his hand. "Who's the t'other one?" + +"A new pal," replied Jack, pulling Oliver forward. + +"Where did he come from?" + +"Greenland. Is Fagin up stairs?" + +"Yes, he's a sortin' the wipes. Up with you!" The candle was drawn back, +and the face disappeared. + +Oliver, groping his way with one hand, and with the other firmly grasped +by his companion, ascended with much difficulty the dark and broken +stairs which his conductor mounted with an ease and expedition that +showed he was well acquainted with them. He threw open the door of a +back-room, and drew Oliver in after him. + +The walls and ceiling of the room were perfectly black with age and +dirt. There was a deal-table before the fire, upon which was a candle +stuck in a ginger-beer bottle; two or three pewter pots, a loaf and +butter, and a plate. In a frying-pan which was on the fire, and which +was secured to the mantelshelf by a string, some sausages were cooking; +and standing over them, with a toasting-fork in his hand, was a very old +shrivelled Jew, whose villanous-looking and repulsive face was obscured +by a quantity of matted red hair. He was dressed in a greasy flannel +gown, with his throat bare, and seemed to be dividing his attention +between the frying-pan and a clothes-horse, over which a great number of +silk handkerchiefs were hanging. Several rough beds made of old sacks +were huddled side by side on the floor; and seated round the table were +four or five boys, none older than the Dodger, smoking long clay pipes +and drinking spirits with all the air of middle-aged men. These all +crowded about their associate as he whispered a few words to the Jew, +and then turned round and grinned at Oliver, as did the Jew himself, +toasting-fork in hand. + +"This is him, Fagin," said Jack Dawkins; "my friend, Oliver Twist." + +The Jew grinned; and, making a low obeisance to Oliver, took him by the +hand, and hoped he should have the honour of his intimate acquaintance. +Upon this, the young gentlemen with the pipes came round him, and shook +both his hands very hard,--especially the one in which he held his +little bundle. One young gentleman was very anxious to hang up his cap +for him; and another was so obliging as to put his hands in his pockets, +in order that, as he was very tired, he might not have the trouble of +emptying them when he went to bed. These civilities would probably have +been extended much further, but for a liberal exercise of the Jew's +toasting-fork on the heads and shoulders of the affectionate youths who +offered them. + +"We are very glad to see you, Oliver,--very," said the Jew. "Dodger, +take off the sausages, and draw a tub near the fire for Oliver. Ah, +you're a-staring at the pocket-handkerchiefs! eh, my dear? There are a +good many of 'em, ain't there? We've just looked 'em out ready for the +wash; that's all, Oliver; that's all. Ha! ha! ha!" + +The latter part of this speech was hailed by a boisterous shout from all +the hopeful pupils of the merry old gentleman, in the midst of which +they went to supper. + +Oliver ate his share; and the Jew then mixed him a glass of hot gin +and water, telling him he must drink it off directly, because another +gentleman wanted the tumbler. Oliver did as he was desired. Almost +instantly afterwards, he felt himself gently lifted on to one of the +sacks, and then he sunk into a deep sleep. + + + + + THE PORTRAIT GALLERY.--No. II. + +Dr. Cleaver, whose portrait we next reviewed, displayed a physiognomy +widely different from that of DR. DULCET. It did not exhibit any of the +milk of human kindness; or, if ever such a benign fluid had circulated +in his veins, it had been curded by the rennet of early disappointment +in every young hope. The features were stern and inflexible,--cast-iron, +moulded by philosophy; a Cynic smile portrayed contempt of the world, or +rather of society, such as it then was, is, and most probably ever will +be. Yet his rubicond cheeks and vinous nose proclaimed that he was fond +of the good things of this perishable globe; and few men, when he had +acquired wealth, enjoyed life and its luxuries with greater zest than +he did. His maxim was founded on what he would call _the whole duty of +man_; which was, _to keep what we get, and to get all we can_. + +Edward Cleaver was born in that class of human beings denominated +_paupers_. He was ushered into life a burthen on the parish in which +he had been found, at the door of a butcher of the name of Cleaver, +(whose patronymic was generously bestowed on him,) in a condition as +natural as his birth. Cleaver was a man of a _serious_ way of thinking; +and, fearing that the adoption of an orphan infant might asperse his +sanctimonious character, and thereby injure his trade, very properly +sent the child to the parish officers. These worthies would willingly +have made him paternise the thing; but he had evidence of its having +been found abandoned in the street. + +Whether a burthen be carried by a body corporate or an individual, it is +nevertheless an obnoxious incumbrance, of which the bearer is anxious to +rid himself as soon as he possibly can; and therefore, maugre the puling +and mawkish cant of some would-be philanthropic scribblers, a parish has +just the same right to grumble at a burthen, and cast it off as feasibly +as may be, as a hod-bearer to relieve himself of his load, a donkey +of his panniers, or a nursery-maid of a squalling and ponderous brat. +Therefore, overseers are perfectly justifiable in having recourse to +all the industrious methods that sound political economy can suggest to +shake off the taxation imposed upon their parishioners by improvidence +and vice. However, all their ingenuity could not prevent the growth of +Ned Cleaver, who attained the age of seven, illustrating the fact, that +vital air can support the functions of life with the aid of but little +sustenance: and the imp was so hale and hearty, that they thought him +"ragged and tough" enough for anything, and sent him to sea. + +To relate his mishaps as a cabin-boy on board a collier would fill a +volume; suffice it to say, the lad was naturally stubborn, and would +not be persuaded that he was created to work without sufficient food, +and get thrashed in lieu of wages; and finding, to use the old joke, +that, although he was _bred_ to the sea, the sea was not _bread_ to him, +he decamped at Plymouth, and joined a company of strolling tumblers, +hurdy-gurdy players, and mountebanks, that were travelling about the +country. + +Ned had now attained is sixteenth year, and had perfected himself; in +forecastle and caboose, in various accomplishments; he could sing a +slang-song, chop his jaws in various modulations, was a very _Moscheles_ +on the salt-box, danced a hornpipe, mimicked all sorts of infirmities, +and could make the most horrible faces, that would so disfigure him +that no one could recognise his natural features, which were uncommonly +handsome; so much so indeed, that he became a great favourite of the +ladies of the company: but, although he _ruled the roost_ with the +fair sex, he was scurvily _basted_ upon every trivial occasion by the +gentlemen performers, and was therefore not much better off on land, +than when at sea he was flogged up aloft to reef, or flogged down to +the salutary exercise of the _holy stone_, which would teach the most +impious chap to pray. Cleaver, therefore, betook himself to his _lower +extremities_ in the neighbourhood of London; and, once more a _filius +populi_, threw himself in the tide of our population in search of work +and food. For several days he strayed about this wealthy metropolis, +and was well-nigh proving the veracity of those sapient legislators, +who maintain that such vagabonds have _no business to live_,--which is +indeed a truism. Happily for our young vagrant, he one night fell in +with a drunken old man who was endeavouring to chalk upon the walls, in +gigantic letters, the name of a celebrated physician. It immediately +occurred to Master Ned that, if he could afford assistance to the +staggering artist, he, in return, might afford him some relief. It was a +providential inspiration. Ned helped his new-made acquaintance to what +he politely termed his _boozing ken_,[89] where he was feasted with a +_blow-out_ of what his patron called _grub and bub_ (_Anglicè_, victuals +and drink); and, after enjoying a delicious night's rest in an Irish +_dry lodging_ upon wet straw, he was admitted as an assistant in the +chalking line, at sixpence per diem. His master, who when sober could +not read, would oftentimes make sad mistakes when he was, in every sense +of the denomination, a "_knight of the brush and moon_,"--which, in the +language of the holy land, meaneth "_in the wind_,"--and our apprentice +soon became an indispensable assistant, since his master could earn six +shillings a day, and get as drunk as a lord, by paying him sixpence out +of his salary. Now, although our youth was not ungrateful, yet he was +ambitious, and he could not see the reason why such a disproportion +in the wages of labour should exist; he one morning took it into his +head to work on his own bottom, and therefore presented himself to his +chief employer, a Dr. Doall, with the abominable intention of basely +undermining his benefactor at half-price. + +[89] A pot-house lodging. + +Doall was much pleased with his appearance and his candour, but still +more with his proposal; and Ned was forthwith taken into his service. +His occupation _merely_ consisted in cleaning the whole house, answering +the door, running errands, helping to cook the dinner, serving at +table, pounding medicines, washing dishes, scouring knives and forks, +and blacking shoes, _mooning_ about the streets at night chalking his +master's name, and during his leisure moments he was advised to study +physic, and wash out phials and gallipots; for which services he was put +upon board wages, at the rate of ninepence per diem. All these duties +he fulfilled most cheerfully, for he had an incentive to his labours. +Next to good living--when he could get it--Cleaver was a warm admirer +of the fair sex, even when hungry; and, when beauty drank to him with +her eyes, he would have pledged her in small-beer as rapturously as in +half-and-half. Doall had a daughter, an only child; she was remarkable +for her beauty, and no less recommendable by her accomplishments. +She was ever engaged in reading novels and plays, could strum upon +the guitar, and all day long, was either singing or spouting: our +apprentice looked upon her as the paragon all loveliness. If he admired +her, he soon perceived that his youth, his innocence, and perhaps his +good figure, had produced a favourable impression upon the maiden. A +conversation with her father confirmed the surmises of vanity, when +he overheard her sweet voice admitting that he was a _monstrous nice_ +young fellow, and impressing upon her father the propriety of giving him +decent clothes, and making him look like a gentleman. + +This conversation had the "desired effect." Ned was sent to suit +himself in Monmouth-street, cooky allowed him to dip his crust in the +dripping-pan on roasting-days; and, although on board wages, Emmelina, +the doctor's lovely daughter, permitted him a fair run of his teeth when +her father was out. As the cook was often junketing with her lover, the +sexton of the parish, she did not grudge him these little advantages. + +One morning, just as he had come home from chalking, the doctor called +him, and bidding him be seated, (a most unexpected honour, which nearly +drove the lad out of his senses,) he informed him that he was highly +satisfied with his conduct, would henceforth allow him four pounds a +year wages, and pay him by the job for other services, which were to +commence by his _doing fits_; so saying, he gave him a treatise on +epilepsy, and bidding him study the symptoms, he left him, slipping +half-a-crown into his hand. + +The enchanted Cleaver was not long in understanding the doctor's +intentions, and sedulously applied himself to acquire the means of +qualifying himself for his novel occupation; although he was rather +staggered when he read the following: "The patient falls down without +any previous notice, his eyes are so distorted that only the whites of +them are to be seen, his fists are clenched, he foams at the mouth, +thrusts out his tongue, and his body and limbs are agitated and +convulsed. After a continuance of this terrific state, the symptoms +gradually abate; but the patient continues looking wildly and vacantly +around him, perfectly unconscious of what has passed." Cleaver +immediately proceeded to make the most awful faces in his looking-glass, +till he actually frightened himself into the belief that a real fit was +coming on. Delighted with his attempt, no sooner had Doall returned, +than Cleaver fell down in the hall, in all the fearful distortions of an +epileptic. + +"Bravo!--bravo!" exclaimed the doctor;--"admirable!--excellent!" + +"Delicious!--wonderful!--he's a very artist. Oh, what a tragedian he +would make!" exclaimed the daughter; "how charmingly he would die! + + 'Thy bones are marrowless, thy blood is cold,-- + Thou hast no speculation in those eyes!'" + +"I'll be d--d if he hasn't, though!" replied Doall; "and if this +chap does not make his way in the world, I'll swallow a peck of my +own _anti-omnibus pills_. Now mutter away, my boy--more foam--more +foam--that's it!--now for a kick--that's your sort!--clench your +fist--capital! capital! Now, my fine fellow, get up, and I'll renovate +you with some of my _cardiac anti-nervous balm_;" and, so saying, he +took out of his closet a small bottle which contained the aforesaid +liquor, which was neither more nor less than a dram for ladies, who +dared not indulge in more vulgar potations, and which I afterwards found +was composed of cherry-bounce, Curaçoa, Cayenne pepper, ginger, and +some other drug of a most stimulating nature, which once recommended a +certain holy man to a certain great personage;--a fact which may be now +noticed, since both parties are in the _Elysian_ Fields. + +It was now settled that the following day at four o'clock, Cleaver was +to fall down in a fit in Albemarle-street, at the door of a fashionable +family-hotel, the doctor driving past at the very time. In a moment +he had collected a crowd around him. One exclaimed, "The fellow's +drunk!"--another bystander maintained it was apoplexy; a second, +epilepsy; and an old woman assured the group that it was catalepsy. +The lad's face was sprinkled with kennel water, hartshorn charitably +applied to his nostrils, and a stick humanely crammed between his teeth +for fear he should bite his tongue. On a sudden, and to his infinite +satisfaction, Doall jumped out of his job-fly, and, after looking at +the patient for a moment, observed that it was an _attack of idiopathic +epilepsy, arising from a determination of the sanguineous system to the +encephalon_. This learned illustration proclaimed the man of science, +and every one made way for him with becoming respect. Our esculapius +then took out a small phial from his pocket, and, pouring two or three +drops into Ned's foaming mouth, he added, "These drops are infallible +in recovering people from all sorts of sympathetic, symptomatic, and +idiopathic attacks;" when Cleaver immediately opened his eyes, looked +around him with a vacant stare, to the great amazement of every one +present, and in a stuttering voice asked where he was. The doctor +generously told him where he lived in a loud and audible manner, gave +him half-a-crown, and was about ascending his pill-box, after bidding +him call upon him in a day or two, when a servant in a splendid livery +stepped forward from the hotel, and informed him that Lady Coverley +wished to see him. He was immediately ushered into the presence of a +superannuated countess, just arrived from the country. + +"My dear sir!" she exclaimed, "I am positively the most fortunate +woman in the world, to have thus accidentally met with such a prodigy. +I witnessed your wonderful cure upon that poor creature, and I must +absolutely get you to see my daughter Virgy. All the physicians in town +have attended her, and I do declare I think they have done her more harm +than good. When Lord Coverley arrives with Lady Virginia, Virgy shall +see you immediately; I declare she must." + +Doall bowed obsequiously, tendered his address, and, slipping +half-a-guinea into the footman's hand, drove off, not without having +heard the servant proclaim to all around, "that he was the cleverest +man in _Lunnun_, and beat out all other doctors by _chalks_;" the +fellow being little aware at the time that his vulgar expression was so +applicable. + +The doctor was fortunate. Lady Virginia, a nervous, romantic fidget, +had been reduced by bleeding, starving, and other expedients, to +_linger long_; and in a short time Doall, having discovered that she +was in love, recommended marriage, with repeated doses of his "_cardiac +anti-nervous balm_;" his prescription effected a perfect cure. + +Cleaver was now in great favour, and every day proved to him that +the doctor's daughter's partiality was assuming a more affectionate +character. One morning he was pounding some combustible drugs in a +mortar, when Emmelina familiarly entered into conversation with him. +After having asked him various questions about his parentage,--when she +heard that he was an orphan, she expressed great sympathy. She then +reverted to her favourite topic, the drama; and asked him if he often +went to the play. + +"Only once, miss," he replied. + +"And what was the performance?" + +"Romeo and Juliet." + +"Delightful piece! How did you like the garden scene, Edward? + + 'See how she leans her cheek upon that hand! + O that I were a glove upon that hand, + That I might touch that cheek!' + +And tell me, Edward," she continued with great emotion, "did you not +weep?" + +"Oh, bitterly!" he sighed; "bitterly!" + +"I'm sure you did. When he takes the deadly draught, and says, + + 'Here's to my love! Oh, true apothecary, + Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die.'" + +Unfortunately the enraptured girl suited her action to the words, and +imitating Romeo casting from him the fatal phial, she seized a bottle of +some diabolical ingredient, and threw it into the mortar. A tremendous +detonation followed, blowing up the stuff Cleaver was pounding, singeing +all his hair and burning his face. + +Emmelina's terror at this accident was as great as the pain it had +inflicted; and Cleaver was bellowing, and stamping, and kicking, when +fortunately Doall came in. The poor sufferer expected some immediate +relief from his skill, but was amazed to see him draw back with looks of +admiration, and exclaim, "Beautiful, by Jupiter!--beautiful!--Oh, what a +thought!--what a grand idea!--beautiful!" + +Emmelina entreated him to dress Ned's scalds, which he set about +doing with hesitation, ever and anon stepping back to gaze upon him +with delight; and, having applied some ointment to his face, he thus +proceeded: + +"Edward, my boy, I love you, I admire you; your fits have worked +wonders, and I have now to put your skill to another trial. The accident +that has just blown you up, has admirably suited you for my purpose. I +shall--what do I say?--_we_ shall make a fortune. I must send you on +an important mission: you must know that the very ingredients you were +pulverising were for the preparation of a remedy of my invention, which +infallibly cures carbuncly noses; when I say cures, I mean white-washing +them, that they may break out again as extravagantly as they chuse in +other hands. Now, the eldest son of Lord Doodly has a nose--that I must +have hold of: oh, such a nose! like--like----" + +"A will-o'-the-wisp," exclaimed his daughter. + +"A most appropriate simile," rejoined the doctor. "Well, Edward, see +here; his conk is nothing to the one you shall wear:" and, so saying, he +drew forth from a drawer a most horrible snout of wax, ingeniously fixed +upon leather; and, applying it to the youth's face, he was actually +struck with horror when he beheld himself in the glass. Emmelina +shrieked, and her father roared out in raptures, "Admirable! the scalds +on your face will add to the beauty of your countenance." + +It was arranged that, on the following day Cleaver was to start by the +stage for Southampton, where Lord Doodly and his son resided. He was +there to sport his awful nose in churches, theatres, public walks, until +the whole town should call him "the wretch with the horrible nose!" +According to agreement, after a tender farewell scene with Emmelina, +he proceeded on his journey; but as he was stepping into the coach at +the Golden Cross, a lady with a child upon her lap shrieked out most +vehemently, exclaiming, "Coach! guard! coach! let me out--let me out! I +will not travel if that there gentleman comes in, with his nose." + +"What! ma'am," replied the coachman: "would you have the gemman travel +without his snorter to accommodate you?" + +"Oh! I shall faint; I will faint! Oh! sir, take that nose away!" + +Cleaver began to wink and blink most awfully. + +"Let me out! let me out! Oh Lord! where could a man get such a nose!" + +Cleaver pretended to suffer most cruelly, and clapped his handkerchief +to his face in apparent agony. + +"It's not a nose," exclaimed a gaunt East Indian in a corner, just +awaking from a doze: "it's more like the proboscis of a rhinoceros: +it is a disease which we call in Bengal an elephantiasis; and, egad! +I'll get out of the coach also, for it's the most d--nable infectious +disorder next to leprosy." + +"Oh, Gracious!" shrieked the lady, rushing out; "my darling infant has +caught it; my Tommy, my jewel, will have an elephant's nose!" + +"It's a shame," exclaimed the nabob. "I'll complain to the proprietors. +One might as well travel with the plague, and go to bed to the cholera +morbus. Let me out, coachy! let me out this instant!" + +Coachy now began to apprehend the consequences of a complaint from a +person of much weight in Southampton, and politely begged of Cleaver to +take an outside seat. The travellers on the top of the coach were as +much terrified as the inside ones; and Cleaver was forced to sit on the +box next to the driver, who sported an enormous mangel-wurzel smeller of +his own, and seemed much amused with the terrors of his passengers. + +Cleaver's expedition was most prosperous. He terrified gipsy parties at +Netly, shocked the members of the Yacht Club, interrupted the sketches +of tourists, and kept High-street, above and below bar, in a state of +constant consternation, after having been refused admittance into half +of the hotels. The very parish beadles seemed to have an eye to his +nose. In short, the Strasburg burghers had not been more terrified with +the sneezer of Han Kenbergins's traveller, than were the good people of +Southampton with that of their visitor. Having thus brought his snout +into notoriety, he returned to town on a day when he had discovered +that Lord Doodly's butler was going up. The conversation naturally fell +upon noses, as the butler declared that he never in all his born days +had seen such a pair of nozzles as Cleaver's and his young master's. +Our adventurer then informed him that there was only _one doctor upon +earth_ who could cure such terrific diseases, and him he was going up to +consult. His fellow traveller of course observed, that if he could cure +_his_ scent-box he could cure anything; and Cleaver promised him, over +a tankard of ale, to let him hear from him if he was so fortunate as to +get rid of his distressing disorder. + +Two months after, a loud ringing announced a stranger at the gate of +Doodly Hall. It was Cleaver, with his natural facial handle, asking +for the butler. Overjoyed at a discovery so acceptable to his master, +who, in return for his services, might be disposed to overlook his +spoliations with more indulgence, Cleaver was introduced by him to the +family, who all recollected his former frightful appearance. Lord Impy, +the heir of the title and estate, was forthwith sent to London to be +placed under Doall's care. Again he had the good fortune to relieve him, +and his fame had spread far and near, ere the nasal conflagration broke +out again with redoubled virulence. + +Cleaver's services were soon requited by the hand of Emmelina, and +a partnership in _the board_. He gradually acquired a smattering of +medical knowledge; and, being well aware that affable manners bring on +conversation, and conversation tends to draw out ignorance, he very +wisely assumed a haughty, and at times a brutal manner; making it a rule +never to answer a question, and requesting his patients to hold their +tongues when they presumed to trespass on their ailments. His unmannerly +behaviour was called _frankness_, his silence _erudition_, and his +insolence _independence_. He thus became one of the wealthiest quacks in +London. His romantic Emmelina for some time rendered him most miserable; +but, fortunately for him, she one night set fire to the house while +performing "_The Devil to pay_" in her private theatricals, and was duly +consumed with the premises. With his usual good luck, they had been +insured for three times their value; and the doctor was enabled to move +to a more fashionable part of the West End, with the additional _puff of +a fire, a burnt wife, and a disconsolate husband_! + +The librarian proceeded to relate the adventures of various other +medical men; and we then entered an adjoining room, hung round with +portraits of distinguished characters, amongst whom I was particularly +anxious to learn the history of the once popular patriot, +SIR RUBY RATBOROUGH. + + + + + PETER PLUMBAGO'S CORRESPONDENCE. + + Dear Tom,--I'm aware you will need no apology + For a nice short epistle concerning geology; + The subject perhaps has been worn to a thread,-- + But I can't drive _Philosophy_ out of my head! + Before the great meeting in Bristol, no doubt + It was harder to drive such a thing in than out; + But a one-pound subscription once placing it there, + It takes root in the brain, and sprouts faster than hair: + So that, though I get lectures at night from the wife of me, + I can't pluck Philosophy out for the life of me. + + Well, Tom,--a prime fellow, brimfull of divinity, + Told jokes about chaos and bones to infinity; + And proved that the world (this he firmly believes) + Long before Adam's day had seen thousands of EVES! + Now, Tom, do you know in this earth that so great a + Proportion of hard rocks inclining in strata + Is caked with dead lizards and crocodiles' bone, + That a singular fact's incontestably shown-- + Viz. ALL FLESH (WHICH IS GRASS) MUST IN TIME BECOME STONE! + Either limestone, or crystal, or mineral salt, + (Vide specim.) Lot's wife--crystallized "in a _fault_." + Fancy, Tom, that your skull may come under the chisel, + And turn out a filter for water to drizzle! + Or imagine the rubicund nose of our uncle, + In some fair lady's brooch, blazing forth a carbuncle! + Though learning is grand, and one labours to win it, + There perhaps lurks a something distressing, Tom, in it. + Thus, whate'er our good character while our life lasted, + When turned into rocks, may we not, Tom, be blasted? + However refined were our tastes and behaviour, + When slabs, to be thumped by the vulgarest pavior! + Who knows but that Newton's immortalised pate + May not some day become a dull schoolboy's old slate; + That head, which threw such astonishing light upon + The secrets of nature--a ninny to write upon! + Man's knowledge is ignorance, wisdom is folly; + The more philosophic, the more melancholy. + + But, Tom, I've a theory,--my own, Tom,--my pet, + Though not quite mature to be published as yet, + Next year I expect 'twill be brought to perfection, + And be read at the great Geological Section. + The subject of FROGS having pleased the community, + (A subject on which none may gibe with impunity,) + It struck me the cold-blooded matter they own + Must be midway 'twixt animal substance and stone. + They have heads, so have we!--and no tails, so have rocks!-- + They've no red blood, like pebbles! but two eyes, like cocks! + Then again,--unlike Christians, with warm, "vital spark,"-- + They are cold, so are flints! a strong circumstance--mark! + An argument _some_ use--there is not much in 't, + That stones have no skins--Hah! then what's a _skin flint_? + Every day, Tom, I feel more secure my position, + _Frogs_ are ANIMAL ROCKS _in a state of transition_! + If I prove this,--and savans but act with propriety,-- + I'm sure to preside at the Royal Society! + Then think, Tom, the glory of Bristol! a resident + Elected in London, to sit as the President! + Hark! I hear, Tom, my unphilosophic virago + Of a wife! I must finish-- + Yours, PETER PLUMBAGO. + October 14th, 1836. + + + + + THE BLUE WONDER.[90] + A MARRIAGE ON CREDIT. + +[90] This story has been adapted from the German of Zschokke. + +Doctor Falcon looked one way, and pretty Susan looked another, as it +has been customary for young people to do, from the remotest antiquity. +The doctor was a very pretty fellow, had been to two universities, had +walked the hospitals of Vienna, Milan, and Pavia, and had learned so +much that there was not one of his craft better able than himself to +post his patients to a better world according to the most legitimate +principles of the most modern systems of the medical art. But science +such as this, is not to be acquired for nothing; it had cost our worthy +doctor nearly every penny of his modest patrimony. "Never mind!" thought +he to himself; "when I get home, I'll marry some rich girl or other, who +may take a fancy to become the doctor's lady; and so both our turns will +be served." + +But what are the wisest resolutions against the eloquence of a pretty +face? Susan was as pretty as a lover could wish her; she felt the best +disposition in the world to become a doctor's lady, but then she had no +money. + +"Never mind, my dear Susan!" said the doctor, as he impressed a kiss on +the lips of the weeping maid; "you see, a doctor must marry, else people +have no confidence in him. You will bring me _credit_, credit will bring +me _patients_, the patients money, and, if they should fail, we have +good expectations. Your aunt, Miss Sarah Bugle, is forty odd, not far +from fifty, and rich enough for the seventh part of her fortune to help +us out of all our trouble. We may venture something upon that!" + +Heavens! what will a young girl not venture for her lover! Susan's +mother had nothing to object, nor her father either, for they were both +in heaven; and her guardian was well pleased to see his ward form a +respectable connexion. Her aunt, Sarah, was also well-pleased, though, +in general, she was little friendly to wedding of any kind: but, as long +as Susan remained unmarried, she saw very clearly that she would every +year be obliged to make some pecuniary advances to the worthy guardian; +and Miss Sarah Bugle was rather stingy, or, as she was herself wont to +say, "she had not a penny more than she wanted." + +Well: Susan became Mrs. Falcon, and the doctor looked most industriously +out of his windows to see the customers pour into his house, on the +strength of his increased claims to credit. They came very sparingly; +but in their stead there appeared every year, a little merry face that +had never been seen in the house before, to augment the parental joys +of Doctor Falcon and his lady. Sometimes the doctor would pass his +finger, cogitatingly, behind his left ear; but what could that avail +him? There was no driving the little Falcons out of the nest. They could +not cut their bread into thinner slices, for the children must live; +but the doctress made her soups thinner. However, they all seemed to +thrive,--father, mother, and the four little ones. They sat on wooden +benches and straw chairs as comfortably as they could have done on +quilted cushions; they slept soundly on hard mattresses, and wore no +costly garments, being well contented if they could keep themselves +neatly and respectably clad. And this was an art in which Susan was a +perfect adept; everything in her house looked so pretty and neat, that +you would have sworn the doctor must have been extremely well off. "How +they manage to do it, I can't think!" Aunt Sarah would often exclaim. +"It's a blue wonder to me!" + +Not that it was always sunshine: there were days when the exchequer was +quite exhausted; and sometimes whole weeks would elapse without a single +dollar finding its way into the house. But then it was always some +consolation to know that Aunt Sarah was rich, and sickly, and growing +old; and, the worse matters looked at home, the more hopeful they always +became at the maiden's mansion. + + + EXPECTING HEIRS. + +The doctor and Susan reckoned rather too confidently on the inheritance +of the aunt; for, even supposing that the dear old lady had been so +near to her beatification as her loving friends imagined, still it was +matter of speculation whether her dear niece would or would not be her +heir. The sighing pair of wedded lovers stood indeed most in need of the +inheritance: but it so happened that there was another niece, married to +one Lawyer Tweezer; not to speak of two nephews, the Reverend Primarius +Bugle, and a certain doctor of philosophy of the same name. Their claims +were all as strong as those of Susan and her husband, and all looked +forward with equal longing to the ascension of the blessed virgin. + +Bugle, the philosopher, had perhaps least cause of all. He was rich +enough; and, while enjoying the delicacies of his table, and smacking +his lips after his Burgundy, his philosophy was perfectly edifying to +his guests. We have a proof of his acuteness in a work of his, in five +volumes, now forgotten, but once immortal, entitled "_The Wise Man +surrounded by the Evils of Life_;" in which he proved that there was +no such thing as suffering in the world; that pain of every kind was +the mere creature of imagination; and that all a man had to do, was to +contemplate every object on the agreeable side. + +Accordingly, he always contemplated his aunt on the _agreeable_, namely, +on her _money_ side. He visited her assiduously, often invited her +to dinner, sent her all sorts of tit-bits from his kitchen, and was +accordingly honoured with the appellation of her "own darling nephew." + +He would have succeeded well enough with his philosophy, had not +his cousin, the Reverend Primarius Bugle, by means of his theology, +exercised great influence over the aunt. She was very pious and devout, +contemned the vanities of the world, visited the congregations of the +godly, in which the spiritual bugle at times was heard to utter a loud +strain, and was mightily comforted by the visits of her reverend nephew, +who joined her frequently in her devotions, and gave her pretty clearly +to understand, that, without his assistance, she would find it difficult +to prepare her soul for its future blissful abode. When, sighing and +with weeping eyes, she would come from the edifying discourses of her +godly nephew, she would call him the saviour of her soul, her greatest +of benefactors, and promise to think of him in her last hour. This was +music to the ears of the theologian. "I can scarcely fail to be the +sole legatee," he would think to himself; "or, as our pious aunt is wont +to say, it would be a blue wonder indeed." + +Nor would his calculation have been a bad one, but for his cousin Lawyer +Tweezer; whose legal ability made him a man of great importance to the +aunt. The chaste Sarah did indeed despise the Mammon of unrighteousness, +and sincerely pitied the grovelling children of the world; but on that +very account she did her best to detach them from their Mammon, or at +least their Mammon from them, which is all the same. She lent money +on high interest and good security, and worked so diligently for the +salvation of those who borrowed from her, that they were always sure to +became poorer and poorer under her ministration. "Blessed are the poor!" +she would exclaim when they were paying her interest on interest; "if I +could have my way, I would have the whole town poor, that they might all +inherit the kingdom of heaven. The less people have in this world, the +more they will long for the world to come." + +It would sometimes happen, however, that the pious maid was carried +too far by her virtuous zeal for the future welfare of her neighbours; +so that, what with her securities, and her compound interest, and the +wickedness of her debtors, she would occasionally find herself involved +in disputes and litigation. Without the aid of Lawyer Tweezer, who was +universally looked on as the most cunning pettifogger in the whole town, +she would frequently have seen interest and principal slipping through +her fingers. But, between her piety, and his cunning and obduracy, a +poor debtor was fain to bundle with bag and baggage out of his house, +rather than a single guilder she had lent out, should miss its way back +to her strong-box. + +"I should be a poor, forsaken, lost woman, my dearest nephew," she would +often say to Tweezer, "if you were not there, to take my part. I may +thank you for nearly all I have; but the time may come when I shall be +able to repay you." This was music to the ears of the jurist. He hoped +one day to find himself sole heir, and fancied he should he able to +touch the right note when it came to the drawing out of the will. + + + THE PICTURE OF THE VIRGIN. + +Miss Sarah Bugle, in her fits of devotion, talked much of death, and of +her longings after the heavenly Jerusalem and her spiritual bridegroom; +yet this did not prevent her from thinking, even more frequently still, +of an earthly bridegroom. Since her five-and-fortieth year she indeed +solemnly declared that she never would marry; nevertheless, she had +her fits of maiden weakness, particularly when some stately widower +would banter her, or some gay bachelor look up to her window as he went +by. "I dare say he has some designs," she would then say. "Well, time +will show; it's wrong to swear anything rashly! If it is to be,--well; +the Lord's will be done! I'm in my best years. My namesake in the Old +Testament was eighty when she christened her first child. It would be no +blue wonder if it did turn out so!" + +Thus she would soliloquize, particularly when some single man had been +looking kindly at her; and, as this seemed to her to be frequently the +case, she at last came to suspect every man in the place, of "evil +designs," as she called it, on her chaste person. At length,--for her +imagination had been wanton with her for more than twenty years,--she +came to look upon every single man as her silent adorer, and every +married man as her faithless one. + +It may easily be conceived with what inveteracy she declaimed against +weddings of every kind, and how bitterly she abused the whole godless, +light-minded male sex, (for her quarrel was with the whole sex,) and +with what transcendent venom she inveighed against the coquettish minxes +who had the impudence to think of a man before they were out of their +leading-strings; though these same minxes in leading-strings were all +the while walking about in shoes such as are generally manufactured for +damsels about to bid adieu to their teens. + +Some elderly maidens, pure and pious like herself, assisted her in the +laudable occupation of prying into the domestic occurrences of the town, +and moralising over them while sipping their coffee. In this conclave, +every new gown, every wedding, every christening, was conscientiously +discussed; and no time was lost in dispersing the result of their +amiable confabulations through every corner of the town. A saucy +sign-painter being once called on to paint a picture of the goddess +of Fame, armed her with a bugle instead of a trumpet; and, when some +pre-eminent piece of scandal became current, it was customary to say +"the bugle has been sounded,"--by which it was intended to indicate the +quarter where the report originated. + +If to these amiable qualities we add the extreme godliness of the chaste +Sarah, and her invincible partiality for compound interest, it is not +difficult to understand why, with the exception of the said ancient +maidens and the four expecting nephews, every creature was careful to +remain at a most respectful distance from her. + + + THE CARES OF LIFE. + +She had not the least inclination to die. She was, therefore, by no +means displeased with the competition of the four faculties, for her +inheritance. Nobody gained by it more than herself. It brought her the +dainties of philosophy, the consolations of religion, the protection +of the law, and moderate doctor's bills. Doctor Falcon was as dear to +her as the others, but not a bit more so: only when some transitory +indisposition seemed to hint at the instability of everything human, +the doctor never failed to become, for the time, the dearest of all her +nephews. + +"Quick doctor! Pray come immediately! Miss Sarah is dying!" exclaimed +one morning, the antiquated maid-servant of the aunt, as she popped her +head in at the door. "My lady has been looking most wretchedly for some +days." + +Falcon was sitting, when this news came, upon his unpretending sofa; +and, with his arm round her waist, was endeavouring to console his +weeping Susan. He knew that Miss Sarah was not likely to be very serious +in her intentions of dying: so he promised the maid he would come +immediately, but remained nevertheless with his wife, to console her. + +But he had little success this time in his attempts at consolation. Poor +Susan wept more bitterly than ever; and the poor doctor sat beside her, +unconscious of the cause of her tears. + +"Come, be open-hearted to your husband, my dearest love," he said; "you +torture me,--you kill me,--to see you thus, while you conceal from me +the cause." + +"Well, then listen to me. Oh!" + +"What further, my dear Susan? you said that before." + +"We have four children." + +"Ay, and the finest in the town, if I am not mistaken! They are all so +gentle, so amiable, so----" + +"Oh! they are little angels." + +"You are right; they _are_ angels, all of them. You do not, I hope, +grieve over the presence of the little angelic circle?" + +"No, my dear husband; but what is to become of the future?" + +"Oh, thou unbelieving Susan! Let us rely on Providence." + +"It is difficult for us to bring them up decently. The older they grow, +the more they want." + +"They have been growing older all this while, and they have wanted for +nothing as yet." + +"Ay; but, if----" + +"What then?" + +"Alas!" she sighed, and sobbed more bitterly than before. + +"What then?" exclaimed the doctor, with undissembled anxiety. + +She concealed her face in his bosom, clung to him with both her arms, +and, in a scarcely audible whisper, said: "I am to be a mother for the +fifth time." + +The papa was half inclined to cry himself at this unhoped-for +announcement; however, he concealed his consternation as well as he +could. "Nay, sweetheart, is that all?" he exclaimed. "Come, Susan, we +shall have five little angels instead of four. We cannot fail to be +happy!" + +"But, my dear husband, we are so very, very poor!" + +"The little angels will bring a blessing upon us. He who feeds the young +ravens will also show me where to find a crumb for my little ones. Come, +tranquillise yourself." + +Susan had had her cry out, and so became more tranquil, as a matter of +course; but the doctor had found no such vent for his uneasiness. He +walked up and down the room, looked out of the window; nothing could +divert his thoughts. + +"Every year more children and less bread! Every year bigger boarders and +thinner slices!" sighed he to himself. He would have forgotten the dying +Miss Bugle, had not Susan reminded him that it was time to hasten to her +death-bed. + + + THE BLUE WONDER. + +He took up his hat, but he did not run. The little domestic dialogue +still weighed on his spirits. He thought only of the small number of +his patients, and the exhausted state of his exchequer. He drew his +hat over his brow, and looked straight before him like a rhymester: on +his way he saluted neither right nor left, and had nearly run down the +superintendent-general,--a man looked upon by most people as one of the +brightest shining lights in the church. + +When he arrived at his dearly-beloved aunt's, he did not, indeed, find +her on her death-bed; but she had mounted her spectacles, and was seated +before a large book, from which she had opened at Reflections on Death, +and from which she was devoutly reading sundry Prayers for the Dying. +She looked wretchedly; but it would have been difficult to say when her +face looked anything else. Round her head she had tied one handkerchief; +and another, which passed over her head, was fastened under her chin. + +"What is the matter with you?" asked the learned Doctor Falcon, as he +laid his hat and stick aside. + +"The Lord knows," sighed Miss Bugle in a soft and plaintive tone; "I +have suffered much for several days. I feel as if my hour were come; and +that would be terrible." + +The doctor thoughtfully felt her pulse, and said unconsciously, half to +himself, "It fills, with a vengeance!" All the good man's thoughts were +at home with Susan. + +"I thought as much," sighed the terrified virgin. "Do you think there is +danger, my dear Falcon?" + +"Not at your years," replied the doctor, scarcely knowing what he said. + +"Well, that is some consolation," replied the lady in a more cheerful +tone; "in fact, I am in my best years; my strength unbroken. My +constitution must bring me through. Don't you think so, dear Falcon? +Only, no expensive medicines, if they can be done without. Since bark, +rhubarb, and mixtures have been turned into colonial produce, there's no +enduring them. The Lord be merciful to us! but really, my dear Falcon, I +am not at all well." + +Our worthy aunt now gave the reins to her tongue; spoke, as she was wont +to do, of a thousand different things, none of them in any way connected +with her indisposition. The doctor, meanwhile, hummed a tune, and beat +the devil's tattoo upon the table, without listening to a word of what +the good lady was saying. At length he was beginning to lose patience. + +"What then _is_ the matter with you?" he exclaimed. + +"Oh, my appetite! I have not relished a spoonful of soup these two days. +And then my head aches as if it would burst." + +"Something you have eaten has, perhaps, disagreed with you, aunt; some +philosophical _pâté de foie gras_ may be in fault." + +"Gracious Heaven! no, Falcon, the stomach cannot be in fault. I live +so simply, so frugally. Seriously, I don't think I have for several +weeks eaten anything likely to disagree with me. But sometimes I have a +tooth-ache, sometimes qualmishness, heartburn, vomitings--Good Heavens! +do look at me, Falcon, and don't keep drumming upon the table so; look +how pale I am,--how my eyes are sunk in my head: oh dear! I am certainly +very unwell." + +"Well, what do I care?" said the doctor in a peevish tone: his mind +entirely occupied by the condition of his Susan: "you're in the family +way, that's all." + +"Merciful Heaven!" screamed the chaste virgin, in a voice that might +have been heard three streets off. Merciful Heaven! that would be a blue +wonder indeed!" + +A cold sweat came over the doctor as he heard these animated tones +from the maiden lips of Miss Sarah Bugle. He immediately recollected +that, what with ill-humour, and what with absence of mind, he had +been betrayed into a superlatively foolish speech, and one that no +chaste virgin was ever likely to forgive; particularly a maid who had +triumphantly preserved her painful dignity unimpaired to her fiftieth +year; one who never pardoned in another damsel even a gentle pressure +of the hand; one who was neither more nor less than an immaculate +personification of purity and sanctity; one who was, in short, that +virgin of virgins, Miss Sarah Bugle! + +"I will let the storm vent itself, and seek safety in flight, before +the neighbours come pouring in, to see what's the matter," thought the +terrified doctor, as he opened the door and rushed into the street. + + + ANOTHER BLUE WONDER. + +The other three faculties had by this time, by their jealousy, rapacity, +and endless misrepresentations concerning each other, utterly ruined +themselves in the good opinion of the virgin. Doctor Falcon was the +only one who at all bore up against the sudden storm. He could not, +for the soul of him, help laughing at his own blunder. Susan, however, +on the following day began to reprove her husband's levity, though she +had at first joined in the laugh at his thoughtlessness. He caught her +in his arms, stopped her mouth with his kisses, and said, "You are +right: I ought not to have so rudely assaulted the maiden purity of the +heaven-devoted vestal. But, faith! when I left you yesterday, I scarcely +knew myself which way my head was turned." + +"I would not say another word, my dear, if I were not convinced that you +have offended my aunt for ever. Such affront can never be forgiven by +so pious a maiden lady. It is ill for us, and particularly now. We have +a long winter before us. I heat the stove so sparingly that the windows +scarcely thaw the whole day, and yet our stock of wood is going fast, +as you know yourself. And for our exchequer, look here!" So saying, she +jingled a few small pieces of silver in a large purse close to his ears. + +A slight tap at the door, and Sarah's aged attendant entered with a +sealed note, and an urgent request from his aunt that the doctor would +without fail, immediately after dinner, precisely at one o'clock, favour +her with a visit. + +"I shall be sure to come," said Falcon; he took the note, and dismissed +the maid. + +He weighed the note in his hand, and turned jestingly to his wife. +"Feel, Susan; it is as heavy as lead." He opened it, and, lo! in a Queen +of Hearts sundry delicate incisions had been made, into which had been +slipped ten new full-weighted Dutch ducats. He looked at the envelope; +it was addressed to Dr. Falcon: there could be no mistake. Such +unheard-of liberality on the part of the immaculate Sarah justly excited +the amazement of the wedded pair. + +"Well, this is the bluest of all my aunt's blue wonders!" exclaimed +Falcon. "Come, my pretty one; how long is it since we had such a +treasure as this, in our house? Look! Providence watches over us and our +children. The winter is provided for; so we'll have no more croaking. +What! are you crying still?" + +"Oh!" sobbed Susan, as she threw her arms round his neck; "it's for +joy I am crying now. But," added she in a lower tone, "I was praying +fervently, nearly the whole night, for it was little I could sleep." + +Falcon clasped his wife in his arms. He said not another word for +several minutes, but he wept inwardly; for he was unwilling that she +should see how deeply he was affected. + + + BLUER AND BLUER. + +As the clock struck one, he stood by the bedside of the aunt. With real +emotion, with sincere gratitude, he approached her; and--he had vowed to +Susan he would do it--impressed a fervent kiss on the benevolent hand +that had just diffused so much joy through his little family circle. + +"Best of aunts!" he said, "your present of to-day has made Susan and me +very happy." + +"Dear nephew," said the sick lady, in the gentlest tone of which her +voice was capable, for it was long since her hand had been kissed so +warmly, "I have long, very long, been your debtor." + +"And forgive me my rudeness of yesterday," continued the doctor. + +Aunt Sarah modestly covered her face with her handkerchief. After a +while she said, but without looking at him, "Nephew, I am about to +repose unlimited confidence in you:--my life depends on you. Can you be +secret? Will you?" + +Falcon was ready to promise everything. Still the lady was not +satisfied; she promised him her whole fortune if he would be faithful to +her. He made the most solemn oath. + +"I know," said she, "that you young people are often badly enough off. +Well, I will come and board with you; for my old maid, who has served +me so long and so faithfully,"--here she sobbed bitterly,--"I must turn +her away. But as long as you keep my secret, I will give you a thousand +guilders every year for my board; and, when I die, you shall have all I +leave behind me." + +The doctor fell on his knee by her bedside, and renewed his oath with +increased solemnity. + +"But you must live outside the town; for I will not remain here. I will +make you a free gift of my large house outside the gate, with the garden +and all the grounds belonging to it. You know my house close to the +large inn--the Battle of Aboukir; the house was left me six months ago, +by my mother's brother, the Director of Excise." + +The doctor vowed with extended hand he would move into it the very next +day, in spite of wind, frost, and snow. + +"As long as you keep my secret, nephew, I will pay you my board +half-yearly in advance; and for the little expenses you will be at, in +arranging your house for your own family and for me, you will find four +rouleaux of dollars in the little cupboard yonder behind the door." + +The doctor swore all his vows of secrecy over again. She must imagine +the day of judgment or the millennium at hand, he thought. Nothing less +can possibly account for so sudden and miraculous a conversion. + +But, with all this, Sarah came no nearer than before to the confession +of the great secret. As often as she attempted to begin, the words died +upon her lips, and she covered her face and sobbed. These beginnings, +and breakings off, and lamentations endured for a long time. The doctor +rose, seated himself by the side of the bed, wiped his knees with the +sleeve of his coat, took a pinch of snuff, and said to himself, "We may +pump a well dry in time!; it would be hard if the lachrymal glands of an +afflicted virgin could boast of an inexhaustible store of water." + + + THE BLUEST OF ALL. + +He was in the right: when she could cry no longer, she believed she was +recovering her Christian resolution, and said with a trembling voice, +"Nephew, when you left me yesterday after that dreadful expression----" + +The doctor was about to fall once more on his knees: "Pardon the +expression, my angelic aunt! It was----" + +"No, nephew; perhaps you were right." + +"It was an unpardonable stupidity on my part." + +"No, nephew; I believe you are not wrong." + +"Impossible, my angelic aunt!" + +"Alas! only too true, nephew." + +"Impossible, aunt! And even if--even supposing--no, aunt, you are +certainly----" + +"Nephew, you are right. I ought to have been wiser at my time of life, +you mean. You are right; but now you know all. The misfortune has +happened. I was married,--secretly, very secretly indeed,--but all in an +honourable way, all quite orderly. Now who'll believe me? There he lies +dead in the Tyrol, killed by a bullet;--here are letters and vouchers. +He is dead, and----" + +"Who, aunt?" exclaimed Falcon in utter amazement. + +"Alas! the trumpeter of the French regiment of hussars, that was +quartered here during the summer and autumn,--God be merciful to his +soul! He was no common trumpeter, but trumpeter to the regiment; his +father and grandfather beat the kettledrums for many years with great +applause. But, gracious Heaven! I could not bear to be called a hussar's +wife; and, before he could buy his discharge, the regiment was ordered +to march. Here I am now, a young widow, not a soul knows it, not a soul +would believe it. It will kill me if it become known: it would be a blue +wonder to the town. I care little for the trumpeter; but my good name is +all in all to me." + +The doctor shook his head; he could scarcely recover from his surprise. +The trumpeter had indeed been frequently seen in Miss Bugle's +apartments; but Falcon, who had always laughed at Goethe's idea of a +chemical elective affinity, had never dreamt of such a powerful elective +affinity between a trumpeter and a Bugle. As to the immediate uneasiness +of the disconsolate maid, for such the widow chose to be still called, +he considered it groundless; but she returned such strange replies to +his questions as to her sensations, that he began himself to have some +suspicions. He had no difficulty now in accounting for the munificence +of the anxious lady, who would rather have lost her life than that the +whole town should have known that the brightest mirror of all maiden +virtue had been dimmed and breathed upon. + +He now pledged his word of honour that he would keep her secret, and +conceal her from all the world till she was able to appear again with +safety. Till then it was to be reported that she was ill; and, under +the plea of receiving more careful attendance, she was to live at the +doctor's house, and break off every other intercourse. + +The gift of the country-house near the large hotel of the Battle of +Aboukir was duly and legally executed; the country-house was entered +upon in the middle of winter; the maiden matron became invisible there; +and no one was allowed to wait on her, but Susan, whom she had herself +initiated into her mystery. + + + GOOD RESULTS. + +"Well, to be sure," she would say to Susan in her cheerful hours,--for +it was impossible to be always in despair; and, as her niece anticipated +all her wishes, she had never felt herself half so comfortable as in the +bosom of this happy family,--"Well, to be sure, it is a blue wonder, +indeed, to think that I should come to this! Who would have thought it! +Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. I +believed myself too secure, and now I am chastened for my pride. Oh, +trumpeter! trumpeter!" + +The event, meanwhile, had exercised a very salutary influence on the +maiden lady. Through very fear of betraying herself to the curious +eyes of her former companions and gossips, she weaned herself from all +intercourse with them, and acquired a taste for more refined pleasures +in the circle of Dr. Falcon's family. She continued, indeed, rather too +fond of all the tittle-tattle of the town; but then she thought of her +own weakness, and judged more charitably that of others. She became +so indulgent, so modest, nay, so humble, that the doctor and his wife +were completely amazed. The change of circumstances and society,--the +heroic resolution by which she had divested herself of a part of her +property,--the assurance of the doctor that she was still rich enough +to live at her ease,--all this had effected so singular a change in +her character, that she seemed to live quite in a new world. She even +abandoned all her usurious dealings, which, to be sure, she would have +found it difficult to continue in her present seclusion. + +The three faculties, meanwhile, were vomiting fire and flame. The two +Bugles were apparently reconciled, but only that they might unite more +vigorously in their hostility against the pettifogger, who watched +their every step for a plausible ground of action against them. The +philosopher wrote an excellent book against the human passions; and the +worthy ecclesiastic delivered every Sunday most edifying discourses +on the abomination of ingratitude, calumny, envy, evil-speaking, and +malignity. Both did much good by their arguments, but their own gall +became more and more bitter, every day. + + + THE PIOUS FRAUD. + +The winter passed away, and was succeeded by spring. The warm days +of summer were approaching. Dr. Falcon had very soon obtained the +conviction that his aunt had little cause for her uneasiness. He +had told her so, and had explained to her the real nature of her +indisposition. In vain: the erring vestal would on no account be +undeceived. Susan and her husband were at length obliged to desist from +every attempt to dispel the ridiculous illusion of Aunt Sarah, who +threatened that she should begin to doubt the doctor's friendship. She +seldom left her bed. + +"She makes me uneasy," said Susan to her husband; "at times I almost +fancy her cracked." + +"And she is so, in every sense of the word," said the doctor. "It is +hypochondria,--a fixed idea. My physic is of no avail against the +extravagancies of her imagination. I know of nothing I can do, unless it +be to drive away one fancy by substituting another. Suppose we pass our +child off upon her for her own." + +"But will she believe it?" + +"If she does not, it is of little consequence." + +After a few weeks Susan appeared no longer in Sarah's room--it had been +so arranged by the doctor; and our aunt was informed that Susan had had +a misfortune. + +"Is the child dead?" inquired Sarah. + +"Alas!" replied the doctor. + +"Alas!" rejoined the aunt. + +One day before daybreak, Aunt Sarah was awakened in an unusual manner. +Her face was sprinkled with water, and strong scents were held to her +nose, till it seemed they were going to send her out of the world by the +very means apparently employed to bring her to life again. + +She opened her eyes, and saw the doctor busy with her nose. + +"Righteous Heaven! I am dying!--You are killing me! Nephew, nephew, what +are you doing to my nose?" + +"Hush, aunt!--don't speak a word!" said the doctor with a mysterious +look; "only tell me how you feel yourself." + +"Tolerably well, nephew." + +"You have been insensible for four hours, aunt. I was uneasy for your +life; but it's all right now,--you are saved. A lovely child--" + +"How!" exclaimed Sarah, almost rubbing her nose from her face. + +"A sweet little boy. Do you wish to see the pretty fellow? If you will +keep yourself tranquil, and not stir a limb, why----" + +"But nephew----" + +"I have passed it off upon every one in the house for my wife's child." + +"Oh, nephew! your prudence, your assistance, your counsel! Oh, you are +an angel!" + +Falcon went away. Aunt Sarah trembled all over with terror and joy. She +looked round her:--on the table were burning lights and countless phials +of medicine were strewn around. A woman brought in the baby: it was in +a gentle sleep. Sarah spoke not a word, but looked at it long, wept +bitterly, kissed the little creature again and again; and, when it had +been carried away, she said to the doctor, "It is the living picture of +the trumpeter to the French regiment--God be merciful to him! It is his +living picture--I say, his living picture!" + + + CONSEQUENCES. + +After the prescribed number of weeks had been punctually expended in the +consumption of gruels and broths, the chaste Sarah perfectly recovered +her spirits, and tripped about the house more cheerful and active than +she had been for many years before. She dandled the baby, would scarcely +allow it out of her sight, and evidently doted on it with unbounded +tenderness. She had been successfully cured of one ridiculous illusion, +by one yet more ridiculous. Overflowing with gratitude, her first visit +out of the house was to the church, and thence she proceeded to a +lawyer to execute a deed of gift of her whole fortune to Dr. Falcon; +renewing for herself only a large annuity by way of pocket-money. +Between herself and the doctor, to be sure, a secret article was drawn +up, by which he bound himself in due time to transfer half of her bounty +to the little living picture of the regimental trumpeter. + +In this way, the blue wonders of Miss Sarah Bugle suddenly converted +our Dr. Falcon into a rich man. The triumph of the medical faculty +was irrevocably confirmed; the more furiously did law, theology, and +philosophy rage against each other. They could not forgive one another +the loss of the expected legacy. Dr. Falcon was readily excused, for +he was innocent. With him, all parties were ready to renew a friendly +intercourse, for he was now one of the wealthiest men in the town; +and a wealthy man, or rather his money, may at times be useful to the +philosopher as well as to the jurist: and to the theologian as much as +to either. + + + + + THE YOUTH'S NEW VADE-MECUM. + + TO THE EDITOR OF BENTLEY'S MISCELLANY. + +Sir,--In submitting for your inspection, the poem which I now do myself +the honour of forwarding to you, permit me to intimate to you the origin +of its composition, and to indulge in one or two remarks. + +The author is a particular friend of my own; a gentleman who, marrying +at a rather advanced stage in the journey of life, was unexpectedly +and agreeably presented with a small earnest of posterity in the +shape of a son. Parental feelings, like many other good things, are +better late than never; and it has often struck me that such feelings +are much stronger, considerably more fervent, and, indeed, a great +deal better when they do come late. Methinks the love of grandfather, +grandmother, uncle, great-aunt, and a whole _kit_ of cousins, is blended +in the sexagenarian sire. It will be perceived, from the affecting +apostrophe or invocation, that my friend commenced his poem with +praiseworthy promptitude; and I do hope that its success will be more +than commensurate with his expectations. The youth is now half-past six, +in the morning of existence. I have, once only, had the pleasure of +meeting him. He entered his father's study somewhat abruptly, mounted +on a timber steed, which, I am advised, he is already perfectly able +to manage; and, immediately he opened his mouth, with a raspberry-jam +border to it, I perceived that he would, at no distant day, become not +only a worthy member, but an undoubted ornament, of society. But this is +from my present purpose. + +Your Miscellany, sir, professes to furnish materials for the amusement +and delight of the community; and hitherto you have acted up to your +professions. But were it not as well, allow me to suggest, that you +should combine instruction with amusement,--that you should clear the +heart as well as purify the liver--that you should attend to the mind +at the same time that you tickle the midriff? You must confess, when +I remind you of it, that the rising generation has strong claims upon +you, which I am sure you will be anxious, and indeed most happy, to +allow. The Youth's New Vade-Mecum, then, is a compendious manual of +instruction, which cannot fail of becoming permanently serviceable and +efficient. Similar although I allow it to be, in many respects, to +certain "Guides to Youth" and "Young Man's Best Companions" which have +been published, yet I cannot but think that the precision with which the +precepts are laid down in it, and the judicious manner in which they are +conveyed, must cause it very shortly to supersede all other works of the +same nature. + +I enclose for your gratification the real name of the author, and I +grant you the discretionary power of whispering it to any grateful +parent (there may be many such) who would fain make the acquaintance and +cultivate the friendship of their benefactor: and I have the honour to +be, sir, Your obedient, humble servant, + CHARLES WHITEHEAD. + + + + + THE YOUTH'S NEW VADE-MECUM. + + My son, whose infant head I now survey, + Guiltless of hair, whilst mine, alas! is grey,-- + Whose feeble wailings through my bosom thrill, + And cause my heart to shake my very frill,-- + Incline thine ear, quick summon all thy thought, + And take this wisdom which my love has brought: + Perpend these precepts; sift, compare, combine; + And be my brain's results transferr'd to thine. + + Soon as thy judgment shall grow ripe and strong, + Learn to distinguish between right and wrong: + Yet ponder with deliberation slow, + Whether thy judgment be yet ripe or no; + For wrong, when look'd at in a different light, + Behold! is oft discovered to be right, + And _vice versâ_--(such the schoolmen's phrase)-- + Right becomes wrong, so devious Reason's maze! + + Take only the best authors' mental food, + For too much reading is by no means good; + And, since opinions are not all correct, + Thy books thyself must for thyself select. + + Accumulate ideas: yet despise + Reputed wisdom,--folly oft is wise; + And wisdom, if the mass be not kept cool, + Mothers, and is the father of, a fool. + + Be virtuous and be happy: good! but, stop,-- + They sow the seed who never reap the crop; + For virtue oft, which men so much exact, + Like ancient china, is more precious crack'd; + And happiness, forsooth, not over-nice, + Sometimes enjoys a pot and pipe with vice. + + Get rich; 'tis well for mind and body's health: + But never, never be the slave of wealth. + The gain of riches is the spirit's loss; + And, oh! my son, remember gold is dross. + + Be honest,--not as fools or bigots rave; + Your honest man is often half a knave. + Let Justice guide you; but still bear in mind + The goddess may mislead,--for she is blind. + + Hygeia's dictates let me now declare, + For health must be your most especial care. + Rise early, but beware the matin chill; + 'Tis fresh, but fatal,--healthy, but may kill: + Nor leave thy couch, nor break the bonds of sleep, + Till morning's beams from out the ocean leap; + Lest, crawling, groping, stumbling on the stair, + Your head descend, your heels aspire in air; + As down the flight your body swiftly steals, + Useless to know your head has sav'd your heels, + Prone on your face with dislocated neck, + You find that slumber which you sought to check. + + Early to bed, but not till nature call. + Be moderate at meals, nor drink at all, + Save when with friends you toast the faithful lass, + And raise the sparkling, oft-repeated glass; + Then, graver cares and worthless scruples sunk, + Drink with the best, my son,--but ne'er get drunk. + + Bathe in cold water: cautious, and yet bold, + Dive,--but the water must not be _too_ cold: + And still take care lest, as you gaily swim, + Cramp should distort and dislocate each limb. + When such the case, howe'er thy fancy urge, + Postpone the bracing pastime, and emerge. + Dangers on land as well as water teem, + But now the bank is safer than the stream. + + Say you should chance be ill (for, after all, + Men are but men on this terrestrial ball); + Should sickness with her frightful train invade, + Lose not a moment, but apply for aid.-- + Yet fancy oft, imagined symptoms sees, + And nervous megrim simulates disease.-- + Lo! at our call--the cry of coward fear-- + A chemist and a cane-sucker appear: + The one, tough roots from earth's intestines dug, + Pounds with strong arm, dissolves the nauseous drug; + The other, gazing with a portentous air, + Surveys the foolish tongue that call'd him there; + To dulcet tones that breath deceptive calm, + Your cash expires in his diurnal palm, + And, sick of physic you were forced to swill, + Long-labell'd phials indicate the bill. + + As learning's bridge progresses arch by arch, + So men, by gradual intellectual march, + From savages to citizens advance.-- + Then gentlemen are taught to fence and dance; + Whilst gay professors, with imposing show, + Present the violin, and hand the bow. + + Dance gracefully, and move with perfect ease, + Nor bend, nor keep inflexible, the knees; + Crawl not, nor with your head the ceiling touch-- + That were to move too little; this too much. + + When first to Music's study you would come, + In, and like charity, begin at home: + For links of harmony you weave in vain, + Whene'er you outrage ears you should enchain. + Some have I known, with their vile sharps and flats, + Whose fatal cat-gut wrought the death of cats; + Yea, a swift doom the very strings provide, + Their disembowell'd feline sires supplied! + + Fencing's a noble exercise; but thence + Flow dangers, may be told without offence. + Still scrutinize, at your gymnastic toil, + The button of your adversary's foil, + Lest you strike off, at active _carte_ and _tierce_, + That useful stay to tools which else will pierce; + And all too late you feel, consign'd to Styx, + Your life not worth the button you unfix. + + Swift let me call you to the sylvan grove, + Where nightingales and blackbirds sing of love. + Should love assail you, as it will, no doubt, + Nor rudely fan the flame, nor blow it out: + Sometimes, when smother'd, it the stronger grows; + And sometimes, when you stir it, out it goes. + Close in your breast a heart for beauty keep, + Yet ne'er imagine beauty but skin-deep: + Beauty is oft--a fact we must deplore-- + As deep as Garrick, and a great deal more. + + Let not your choice too short or tall appear, + No hole her mouth, or slit from ear to ear; + And, though 'tis well in daily life to greet + The man who struggles to make both ends meet, + Yet sure the task can no great triumph win, + Accomplish'd by a lady's nose and chin. + Yet I, perchance, my pen and paper waste; + These the exactions of an erring taste. + + But let your wife be modest, and yet free; + Coy, but not bashful; active as the bee; + And yet unlike that bee of busy wing, + That "proffers honey, and yet bears a sting;" + Not sad, but thoughtful; pensive, but not glum; + Grave without gloom; and silent, but not dumb; + Merry when mirth's in season, and yet sad + When nought akin to pleasure's to be had. + In all that you possess still let her share, + Yet wear no vestments you yourself should wear. + + And for yourself,--since now must I conclude,-- + Be courteous, yet close; and plain, not rude; + Open, but strict; and though reserv'd, yet frank; + Treat all alike, yet pay respect to rank; + Be dubious, e'en when reason would entice, + And ne'er take unsolicited advice. + So may my precepts sink into thy mind, + And make the wisdom which thou canst not find; + Until at length, so vast thy mental height, + The world, beholding thee, shall take a sight; + And men, in want of words to set thee higher, + Shall with one voice cry "Walker!" and retire. + + + + + A VISIT TO THE MADRIGAL SOCIETY. + +Everybody has heard of madrigals, and almost everybody has heard of the +Madrigal Society; but everybody does not know what madrigals are, and +almost everybody has _not_ dined with the Madrigal Society. Not that +that ancient and respectable body is an exclusive one,--keeping its +good dinners for its own private eating, and its good music for its own +private hearing: its freemasonry is extemporaneous, and a visitor is as +welcome to the whole fraternity as to the individual who may introduce +him. + +The Madrigal Society is the very Royal Exchange of musical enthusiasm +and good-fellowship, and certainly bears the palm away from its +"_fratelli rivali_." Its component parts are better amalgamated, and the +individuals composing them, appear to derive more thorough enjoyment +from their attendance, than in any other unions we have seen of the same +genus. + +For example, at one (which shall be nameless) there is a line of +demarcation between the professional and non-professional members; +another is so numerous, that it is broken into fifty coteries, as in the +boxes of a chop-house; and another enthusiastic little knot of vocal +harmonists is so strongly impressed with the sense of one another's +capabilities, that the speechifying, and toasting, and returning thanks +take up a vast deal more time then the music. + +Which of the thousand and one suggested _derivations_ of the _name_ +madrigal is the right one, is a question upon which we most humbly +beg to decline entering. Whether it owe its origin to some particular +feature in the words to which all secular _part music_ was set at an +early period; or whether, as some impertinent commentator has suggested, +it be a compound of two English words, "_mad_" and "wriggle,"--the one +having reference to the ecstatic state into which the listeners were +thrown by their first performance, the other to ----. But we dismiss +this as unworthy our consideration, and cut the question altogether. + +A madrigal may, we think, be best defined as a composition in general +set to a quaint little poem on some amatory or pastoral subject, with +parts for a number of voices; the majority being for four or five. +An unceasing flow of these parts, a kind of "push-on-keep-moving" +principle, appears one of its strongest characteristics; one voice +taking up the strain ere another lays it down,--seldom moving in +_masses_ or "_plain-song_" and with perhaps only one or two "_closes_" +(sometimes none) until the end. In the conduct of all this, a very +peculiar style of harmony is used. They are one and all imbued with +a quaintness, which all who have heard madrigals must have felt, and +could at once recognise; but which it is quite impossible to define in +anything less than a treatise, six volumes quarto at the least,--a task +upon which at present we have not the smallest intention of setting to +work. + +So much for a definition: now for a test. The best confirmation of the +genuineness of a madrigal is, the fact of its _bearing the weight of +a great body of voices_; that is to say, instead of its producing its +proper effect, each part being sung (as in a glee) by one voice, the +number of singers may be increased to any extent. And this, after all, +is the true touchstone of first-rate choral writing. The "Creation" of +Haydn, and "The Last Judgment" of Spohr, unquestionably produce their +best effect in an orchestra of moderate proportions; but to a chorus of +Handel, or a madrigal of Gibbons, perfect justice could only be done by +a body of singers that would fill St. Paul's, or cover Salisbury Plain. + +We have dined. The cloth vanishes,--there is a pause,--the party +simultaneously rise from their chairs,--the waiters at last (thanks +to a long course of training, mental and bodily,) show signs of +standing still for the next five minutes,--perfect silence pervades the +room,--when lo! a gentle murmur of high voices steals upon the ear,--the +strain is quickly imitated a few notes lower,--the basses massively +close up the harmonious phalanx, and we recognise the imperishable "Non +nobis, Domine." + +Sobered, not saddened, by the noblest of canons,--the most melodious +of those ingenious complexities,--a movement takes place among the +party. Do not suppose that the _singers_ are going to the bottom of the +table, for in that case _nobody_ would be left at the top; or, _vice +versâ_, to the top, for then the bottom would be deserted. You find your +neighbour to the right, has migrated to the other end of the room, and +your _vis-à-vis_ has established himself in his place. After being duly +puzzled by so unexpected a move, it appears that, unlike other convivial +assemblages, the order of precedency is observed here _after_, instead +of _before_ dinner; and that you must shift your position according to +your register, not of birth or baptism, but voice. "Order is Heaven's +first law," and the high and low characters around you, class themselves +accordingly, into altos, tenors, and basses. + +This little preparatory bustle over, and everybody again seated, there +is a brief pause, which we devote to speculations,--not on the character +of our new right-hand man (above mentioned),--not on the contents of +the minute-book which the president spreads open before him,--nor on +the pile of tomes which almost exclude the bodily presence of the +vice,--nor on the gentleman who is going to propose a new member,--but +on the "_dints_" in the table before us. The tops of all tables at +all taverns are, and have been from time immemorial, remarkable for +an infinite number of indentations varying in size and conformation. +This peculiarity is not indigenous to the aforesaid tables; they are +supposed, at some distant period of their existence, to have had faces +as unruffled as others of their kind; but the eternal succession of +thumps from glasses, plates, knives and forks, approbatory of speech, +sentiment, or song, furrows their physiognomy with deep, ineffaceable +lines,--albeit neither of study, thought, nor sorrow. + +The time has gone by for the autobiography of guineas, lap-dogs, sofas, +and sedan-chairs; birds and beasts no longer sport their apophthegms to +human ears; even the pot and kettle have done calling one another names; +"The Confessions of a Dinner-table, written by himself," would stand no +chance now; a second edition of the life of Mendoza would be as little +likely to take the town. Dinner-tables, like boxers, must count their +bruises in silence. Yon deeply-indented furrow, over which our wine is +absolutely tottering, is evidently a _memento_ of the days when the +feet were regularly knocked off the wine-glasses, and they, like their +holders later in the evening, lost their power of standing alone; when +_daylight_ unendurable and _heel-taps_ impossible. No hand lacking the +zeal of political excitement could have inflicted so uncompromising a +gash as the one near it. Bees'-wax and turpentine have somewhat softened +the sharpness of its outline; but its existence is identified with that +of the table itself. And that succession of little "_dibbs_," evidently +by the same hand,--what are they, but an unceasing monument to some +by-gone beau, who thus tattooed his approval of the best of all possible +toasts,--"The Ladies!" + +But our speculations are leading us astray; more especially as the +music-desks are before us, the books upon them, and "the boys" arrived. +And hark! the pitch-pipe--none of your whipper-snapper German Æolians or +waistcoat-pocket tuning-forks, but the veritable pitch-pipe which has +been in use since the year 1740--sounds the note of preparation, and the +order of the day begins in real earnest. + +The Madrigal Society does not, as its name would seem to imply, confine +itself exclusively to compositions which come under the designation of +madrigal. The motett and the ballet, which are variations of the some +genus, come in for a share of its notice. + +On referring to the book before us, for the number just given out by the +conductor, we find--a motett, Dr. Christopher Tye. The baton falls, and +we launch into the unexplored ocean of song before us. What breadth in +the harmonies! What stateliness in the progression of the parts!--and +what a depth of feeling under the incrustation of these crabbed old +modulations! + +And now for a madrigal. Will it be "Lady, thine eye," or "Cynthia, thy +song," or "Sweet honey-sucking bees?"--No: as we live, it is "Die not, +fond man!"--the noblest of them all. + +And now, another motett; and now--but stay! here is something unusual. +The vice looks to the chair--the chair looks to the vice. The vice, like +the sun over a mountain, shows his head above the wall of books before +him, and prepares to make a speech. "Gentlemen, I beg to call your +attention--" But we have forgotten the form, so we'll give the substance +of his observations, which go to prove that he has received a madrigal, +according to the rules of the society,--that is, anonymously,--which +he has looked over, and deems worthy of a trial. The parts, which are +of course not in the book, are distributed, and much good-natured +speculation is afloat; for the madrigalians, though conservatives, are +not exclusives. We begin:--there is a stoppage at the onset,--something +was wrong in the parts,--it is corrected, and we start once more;--the +precipice is passed in safety. Still it does not "go." There is no +good reason why it should not; and so it is tried again; is better +understood, and "goes" accordingly. A sealed paper is delivered to the +chairman, who opens it with much solemnity, and announces the name of +the composer, casting a most significant glance on an individual at one +corner of the table, who, for the last quarter of an hour, has been +engaged in the most unpleasing of all sedentary pursuits,--sitting upon +thorns. We drink his health; the individual rises, and for upwards of a +minute and some seconds, is supposed to occupy himself in making some +observations germane to the present subject, but which, from his state +of nervous trepidation, are quite inaudible. + +The books are again in requisition. We draw on firms of centuries' +standing, and our checks are duly honoured. The stately motett, +the graceful madrigal, and the sprightly ballet alternate in rapid +succession. What a contrast does this enthusiastic coterie present +to the listless audience of the concert-room or opera! No mob of +apathetical time-killers is here; but true and constant lovers of the +divine art, joining "with heart and voice" in strains to them as fresh +and beautiful as they were two hundred years ago! + +Oh! how we might gossip about and speculate upon the old fellows who +treasured up for us this legacy of fine things. Talk of love for their +art!----think of Luca Marenjio, who wrote a thousand madrigals; and Dr. +Tye, who set to music the whole of "The Acts of the Apostles!" + +The human voice is the noblest of all instruments. In the madrigal it +finds an exercise worthy of its powers. Music, as developed through +the medium of the voice, assumes a far more elevated and poetical +form than it ever presents through instrumental performance even of +the very highest character. Music is less essentially _music_, coming +through throats of flesh and blood than throats of wood or metal; but +it is something infinitely finer,--the unchecked emanation of the human +heart,--the current fresh from the well-springs of all that is good and +beautiful in man's nature. + +The changeableness of fashion, the perishability of all instrumental +music, is of itself sufficient evidence of this. Five-and-twenty years +ago, the works of Pleyel were the delight of every musical coterie +in Europe; now, there is not one amateur in fifty who ever heard +a bar of his music. And as for the cart-loads of sonatas, gigues, +pasacailles, serenatas, follias, fugues, concertantes, and "jewells" of +Dr. Bull, Paradies, Scarlatti, Geminiani,--yes, even Handel and Mozart +themselves!--they are regarded in about the same light as an Egyptian +papyrus, or a loaf of bread from Herculaneum. + +It is difficult indeed to conceive "The Jupiter Symphony," or the +"Sonate Pathétique," food for the virtuoso; but assuredly "Dove sono," +"The Hallelujah Chorus," and "St. Patrick's Day," are as imperishable as +expression, grandeur, and sunshine themselves. + +Sounds are the _body_ of music, to which the voice gives immortality and +a _soul_. To put the voice on the same level as an instrument, is to pit +matter against mind,--"man against cat-gut." + +There is a sense of personal enjoyment connected, too, with pure vocal +music performed in this manner, which it is quite impossible to find +in the theatre or concert-room. Our thoughts there, are perpetually +brought back to some technical matter, and our imagination curbed by the +audience, some individual association with the singers, or the "mise +de théâtre;" but here, sitting at our ease around the table, with our +"_part_" before us, joining in the harmony or not, as we please,--our +only care that the madrigal shall _go_ well, our only interruption a +glance now and then at the enthusiastic faces around us,--we feel truly +"the power of sound," and that our pleasure is without alloy. + +Hold! there is a slight drawback on our pleasure,--perfection is not +to be found even in the Madrigal Society. Where are the ladies? Oh, +Madrigalians! with what countenance can ye, month after month, and year +after year, continue singing Fair Oriana's praise, and bewailing the +cruelty of your Phillises, and Cynthias, and "Nymph of Diana," when you +thus close up the fountain of all your inspirations? Is your by-law, +forbidding all speechifying, a tacit confession of fear lest some +gallant visitor, fired with your own sweet songs, should spring on his +legs and propose "The Ladies"? Is this the reason why ye only drink "The +King," "The Queen," and--your noble selves? Shame on ye!--where are the +ladies? + +The truth must be spoken at all times. Old as the world is, it is +not yet quite steady enough to "chaperon" the fair sex to meetings +like those of the Madrigal Society. True; we have pretty well got rid +of the six-bottle men, and gentlemen have ceased to return home in +wheel-barrows: still something more must be done ere the most courteous +of chairmen can with propriety propose a new member with a soprano +voice, or the most zealous of secretaries second him. + +To do our friends justice, they have made a step in this matter. At the +annual festival, where the madrigals put on all their splendour, the +ladies _are_ admitted; but, alas! they are perched up in a gallery "all +by themselves." And even this bird's-eye view of gentlemen eating and +drinking, comes, like "the grotto," only once a-year. + +But these knotty points should be agitated before dinner. Let us turn to +our books once again,--sing "The Waits,"--"One fa la more,"--and then +"Good-night!" + + + + + LOVE AND POVERTY. + + Little Cupid, one day, being wearied with play, + Or weary of nothing to do, + Exclaimed with a sigh, "Now why should not I + Go shoot for a minute or two?" + Then snatching his bow, tho' Venus cried "No," + (Oh! Love is a mischievous boy!) + He set up a mark, in the midst of a park, + And began his nice sport to enjoy. + Each arrow he shot--I cannot tell what + Was the reason--fell short by a yard, + Save one with gold head, which far better sped, + And pierced thro' the heart of the card. + + MORAL. + My story discovers this lesson to lovers: + They will meet a reception but cold, + And endeavour in vain Beauty's smiles to obtain, + Unless Love tip his arrows with gold. + + + + + REFLECTIONS IN A HORSE-POND. + + TIME--NIGHT. + +Let me consider a little where I am! My senses are beginning to clear at +present, albeit my body is sticking in the mud, and seems to think of +nothing less. This plunge, disagreeable as it is, has been of service to +me: we should be thankful for everything, for they say "everything is +for the best;" and, upon this principle, a tumble into a horse-pond may +be a good. I shall, however, ascertain this better to-morrow (that is, if +I ever get out of the mud,--of which I am doubtful). In the mean time +I will, by way of passing the time, acknowledge my obligation. I am a +regenerated creature! Thanks be to Heaven! I can see: before my tumble +into these revivifying waters, my thoughts were wandering, and my sight +was dazzled; now they are fixed, immoveably fixed,--to this horse-pond; +and I only behold one moon instead of two. + +I do not exactly know how I came hither. I spent last evening with Tom +Rattlebrain, Ned Flighty, and Will Scamper; we had a famous supper, +and resolved to make a night of it. The weather was hot, stormy, and +goblinish; it led us to tell ghost-stories, which we did till our marrow +froze, and our parched throats cried out, like the horse-leech's two +daughters, "Give! give!" Purely to raise our courage and moisten our +palates, we had a couple of bottles additionally. I recollect that +after this we told some stories partaking more of the flesh than the +spirit, and that at two o'clock in the morning I agreed to ride home on +Daylight, hand in hand, like the fire-office insignia, with Scamper, +who was mounted on Wildfire. I remember something of trying to force +Daylight to cross that which I took to be a ferry. I recollect something +of our dispute upon this subject, but faintly; I can only guess how the +matter ended by the result,--for he is gone, and I am _here_! + +I suppose I must have struggled, flopped, and floundered about a good +deal before I could have been so firmly wedged in the mud as I am at +this moment. The water all around me is up to my chin, and the mud +beneath me is up to my knees; I have sunk considerably above my calves. +I really cut a very ridiculous figure! + +The first thing I remember distinctly was seeing my lighted cigar +floating, fizzing, and spitting peevishly upon the water. Poor thing! +it did not relish regeneration. I put out my hand to catch it; but it +fizzed angrily, and floated away from me. This "was the unkindest cut of +all;" and when I saw its light go out, I felt as if abandoned by all the +world. + +It just occurs to me that I have another cause of thanksgiving: since +one must sometimes fall into a horse-pond, I am grateful that it is an +English one. In some countries, now, those devils of the air--the birds +of prey--would keep wheeling, whirling, and shrieking above my head, +complimenting each other upon the good supper prepared for them, and +then coolly peck out my two eyes before my face! + +This idea is suggested by a somewhat uncomfortable circumstance, which, +notwithstanding my patience, I cannot but be sensible of. Something--I +conjecture either an eel or a rat--is gnawing at the boot on my right +leg; no other animals venture so deeply into the mud. I wish I could +raise my foot. + +If it be a rat, he will content himself with the leather, and gnaw away +till it be gone; but the eel prefers a bit of meat, and in that case he +is only busying himself to open his "pantry-door." Pray Heavens it be a +rat! + +I am a most enduring man. I remember suffering infinite misery a whole +season at the house of a particular friend; I was lodged in the best +bedroom, and a superb apartment it was. The bed was a magnificent one; +but, to my cost, there was a flea in it,--"the last flea of summer!" +Never shall I forget what I suffered from that single tormentor. I +should have known it was only one, from the peculiar pungency of his +bite, even if the invariable character of the mark had not also been +a witness. The room had been for a long period unoccupied, save by +this flea, the survivor of all his family and friends, who had died of +starvation in the course of the summer. I bore it patiently enough for +several nights, thinking that it was a tax to flea-manity which must be +paid; but when, night after night, week after week, the same torture +continued, I began to grow nervous and irritable. I sought after him +diligently in the morning, but never found anything save his trail. +Like Destiny, he was always to be felt, but never seen. In the night, +scarcely had I torn the skin off my shoulder, ere I was imperiously +called upon to apply the same remedy to my leg. I felt him hop across my +hand as I raised it up; and so rapid were his movements, that he seemed +to be jumping in every part of my body at once: like the Indian Apollo, +he appeared to have the power of multiplying his person, and of being +in fifty places at the same time. He was a single fiend "whose name was +Legion." I started in anguish; shook my sheets and my shirt; called +upon God, upon the devil; apostrophised the mistress of the house, and +mentally sent the housemaid to the hottest place I could think of. It +was all to no purpose; he seemed to have some extraordinary power of +disgorging his prey and clearing his stomach, which, like Time, was +always devouring,--never full. So rapidly did his constant consecutive +meals of breakfast, luncheon, dinner, tea, and supper tread upon each +other's heels, that I seemed to live twenty days in one tortured night. +I longed to complain to the master of the house; but how tell him there +was a flea in his best bed,--that bed in which he took such pride, and +beheld with so much admiration? At length I met the housemaid on the +stairs. She was as ugly as Repentance, crabbed as Chastity, and old as +Mother Shipton: nevertheless I addressed her as "My dear little girl!" +gave her a kiss and a piece of money, and entreated her to kill the +fleas in my bed. The next day I met her, and she said, "There bean't +no fleas in your bed as now, sir." Alas! I knew that,--there was but +one; and he was a flea of Fate, beyond her power to destroy. Still +the torture went on; still did I lie, night after night, miserable, +feverish, sleepless, pinched, torn, and tortured in every part of my +burning skin. At length, considering the enormous power possessed by +my tormentor, his divisibility, his invisibility, his infallibility, I +came at last to the conclusion, that it was no living flea that thus +distracted and disturbed me, but the ghost of some starved tenant of +former times, who was allowed this recreation to make amends for past +sufferings. This idea once established, I knew that I had no hope; I +had nothing for it but to fly: so I went to my friend, declared (to +his astonishment) my intention, and, when hard pressed for my reason, +painfully and reluctantly gave it. "A flea!" shouted he in a voice +between displeasure and mirth, "a flea--and in that bed!--_then you +must have brought it_!" Now was not this too much? I thought my heart +would have broken. I, who had endured so much--I, who had suffered +torture in silence for six long weeks, to be accused of having brought +that alderman of fleas with me! It was beyond human nature to bear. I +burst from his presence, packed up my clothes, and, though I am a very +good-tempered man, have not seen that friend since. I can never forgive +his accusation--I can never forget what I suffered! As I call to mind +that burning sorrow, I take comfort in the knowledge that I am standing +up to my neck in a horse-pond! + +Thank you, gentle lady moon! I am grateful for any kind of attention, +even though it should be of no use to me; but yours is. I wish I was +a poet now!--I could make something of this scenery. I have read a +good deal about "moonlight on the waters;" but I never was so near its +dancing beams before. The devil take this rat--how he nibbles! My boots +are new--a hole in them at least! There's a villanous odour that comes +over me from some part of the horse-pond, "at which my nose is in great +indignation." It strikes me also, from something uncomfortable in my +stomach, that in my plunge I must have swallowed a good allowance of +Mark Anthony's liquor. (_See_ SHAKSPEARE'S _Anthony and Cleopatra_, Act +1, scene 4.) The bare idea is enough to make me faint;--only who would +be fool enough to faint in a horse-pond? + +I have been in my life several times taken in, besides to-night, by +these waters. + +Thank you again, dear gracious moon! She's very bright just now. There +is a large tract of blue in the heavens over which, for at least the +next twenty minutes, she may travel without being "capped by a cloud;" +so I shall have time to look around me. I am nearly in the centre of +the pond; the water is perfectly tranquil, except when it bobs against +my chin, disturbed by the movement of my head. Lord help me! suppose I +should die here!--as, if nobody come to my assistance, I certainly shall. + +On my first ascertaining the character of my position, recollecting +that horse-ponds are generally in the neighbourhood of towns or farms, +I hallooed so lustily that I found my voice grow husky; so I determined +to reserve it for a better occasion--I mean in case any persons should +approach--Heaven send them! This would be a comfortless bed to die in! + +A huge frog has just discovered me; and he sits amongst the weeds below +the opposite bank, croaking out his speculations as to what I can be. +He stares earnestly; so do I. He takes my eye for a challenge--he is a +frog of courage, however, for he plunges into the water, swims towards +me, and plants himself directly opposite to my face. He croaks; I answer +very naturally, for the water has qualified my voice. The frog stares +again: "The voice is the voice of Esau, but the form is Jacob's." Now +he very gravely swims entirely round my head, and then again plants +himself in front. I laugh aloud; he backs a little. I open my eyes very +wide at him; he returns the compliment. My chin splashes the water about +him; he takes fright and disappears. + +Hark! there are certainly footsteps in the neighbourhood. +Halloo!--ough!--ah!--mercy upon me! my voice is quite gone, and I shall +be compelled to live in this horse-pond the remainder of my days. Who +will feed me, I wonder: the rat will not be so civil to me as the +ravens were to Elijah; and I have affronted the frog. Ha! the footsteps +come nearer--and nearer. 'Tis a man--I see him--a groom--I'll call. +Hallook!--ouk!--cro-ak! + +"D--n your croaking soul!" quoth the vagabond; and he flings a huge +stone at my head. + +Despair and distraction! what shall I do? Die! No, that's cowardly: +I'll live bravely; that is, if I can. The fellow is gone, and "I am +all alone!" Alone! What do I hear? Voices--yes; they come--most sweet +voices. A gentleman and the rascally groom aforesaid. + +"You have not dragged this pond to-night," says the master. + +"Indeed, sir, we did,--from one end of it to the other," replies the +fellow: "see how the weeds are disturbed." + +"You lie, you rascal! you did not, or you would have found me there," +said I. + +"Heighday!" cried the master; "what have we here?" + +"A gentleman in distress." + +"I should think so: but how came you in this pond?" + +"I'll tell you when I am out." + +"Help, all of you, fellows!" says the gentleman. "Now, sir, hold fast: I +was in search of a drunken uncle who has escaped from his servants. Pull +away, boys!--I expected to find him in this horse-pond, and I discover a +sober gentleman in his place." + +N.B. I did not think it necessary to rectify this latter mistake. + MAX. + + + + + INSCRIPTION FOR A CEMETERY. + + The grave must be the resting-place + Of all who come of Adam's race. + What matters it, if few or more + The years which our frail nature bore? + If we upon the roll of Fame + Left an imperishable name; + Or, safe within some calm retreat, + Escaped the turmoil and the heat, + The stir, the struggle, and the strife, + That make the sum of human life? + Of all the family of man, + Since first yon rolling spheres began + Amid the boundless realms of space + Their silent, dread, eternal race, + There's little to be said beside, + But that they lived, and that they died. + Sooner or later, 'tis the doom } + Of all, within the quiet tomb } + To find a refuge, and a home. } + + + + + NIGHTS AT SEA: + _Or, Sketches of Naval Life during the War._ + BY THE OLD SAILOR. + + No. II. + THE WHITE SQUALL. + + I was born in a cloud of sulphureous hue-- + Darkness my mother, and Flame my sire; + The earth shook in terror, as forth to its view + I sprang from my throne like a monarch of fire! + My brother, bold Thunder, hurraed as I sped! + My subjects laugh'd wild, till the rain from their eyes + Roll'd fast, as though torrents were dash'd overhead, + Or an ocean had burst through the bounds of the skies! + CHARLES SWAIN. + +My last, left the gallant Spankaway with her three topmasts over +the side; and a very natural question arises, "How did it happen?" +Her commander was as smart an officer as ever lived; an excellent +disciplinarian when on duty, a thoroughly brave man, but not much of a +seaman;--he was of a happy turn of mind himself, and nothing afforded +him greater pleasure than to see everybody else, happy around him. On +service no one could be more strict; but he loved to see his officers +surround his mahogany; and not one amongst them was more jovial than +Lord Eustace Dash. + +On the evening in question, Old Parallel had glanced at the glowing +clouds in the west; but the invitation to the captain's cabin had driven +the circumstances from his remembrance, and, whilst clinging to _port_, +he thought but little of a storm at sea. Mr. Sinnitt was the lieutenant +of the watch; but on such occasions, when there was no apprehension of +danger, the mate was allowed to assume the command of the deck, and his +superior joined his messmates over the flowing bowl. + +The evening was delightfully serene, and groups of seamen clustered +together; spinning yarns, conversing on things in general, or singing +songs in a low tone, so as not to disturb the sacred character of the +quarter-deck; where, however, the young gentleman left in charge was +drawing round him a little knot of favourite youngsters, eager to +take advantage of the relaxation of discipline. Some were attentively +listening to the hilarity going on in the captain's cabin,--for the heat +had rendered it necessary to open the skylights; others were paying +equal attention to the vocal talents of honest Jack, who, if he did +not possess quite so much grace or talent as his superiors, made ample +atonement for the deficiency by his peculiar and characteristic humour. +Here and there, the treasured grog was served out with scrupulous +exactness, exciting many a longing and envious eye. As in communities on +shore, every ship had its choice spirits,--its particular and especial +jokers, songsters, and tale-tellers--and, not unfrequently, that pest +to society, the plausible pettifogger, whose head, like that of a +Philadelphy lawyer, was constantly filled with proclamations. + + [Illustration: Jack detected sailing under false Colors] + +The moon shone with a crystalline clearness, and the gentle motion of +the frigate threw the shadows of the people in corresponding movements +on the deck, resembling the _ombres Chinois_ that delighted us so much +in boyhood. The look-outs were posted at their appointed stations; some +with a shipmate to bear them company--others alone, and thinking upon +merry England. + +"I say, Bill!" uttered the captain of the forecastle, addressing one of +the men, as he was looking to windward from the cat-head--or, as it was +more generally termed, 'Old Savage's picture-gallery,'--"I say, Bill! +somehow or another I don't much like the looks o' the sky thereaway; to +my thinking it's some'at fiery-eyed." + +"Gammon!" returned the man without moving from his position, "I'd ha' +thought you would have known better, Jem! Well, I'm blowed if we mayn't +live and larn as long as there's a flurry o' breath in the windsel! Why, +that's ounly the pride o' the sun, to show his glory to the last; would +you have him go out like a purser's dip,--a spark and away?" + +"No, Bill, I loves to see a good sunset," rejoined the other; "and I +never see'd finer then what I've see'd in these here seas. It's some'at +strange to my thinking, though, messmate, that God A'mighty should have +made this part o' the world so beautiful, and yet have put such d---- +lousy, beggarly rascals to live in it! Look at them there Italians, with +no more pluck about 'em than this here cat-head!" + +"Nay, shipmates," said the serjeant of marines, who had just joined +them, "you do yourselves injustice. I hope there is some pluck +_about_ the cat-head, though there may be none in it. But you say +right--perfectly right, as it regards those lazy-roany; they are a d---- +set, to be sure! But, their women, Jem--their women! Oh! they're dear, +delicious, lovely creaturs!" + +"Mayhap they may be to your thinking," responded the captain of +the forecastle rather contemptuously: "but give me a good, hearty, +right-arnest, full-plump, flesh-and-blood Englishwoman; and none o' your +skinny, half-starved, sliding-gunter-legged, spindle-shank sinoreas for +me!" + +"You manifest a shocking want of taste, shipmate," returned the +serjeant, proudly, and bringing himself to a perpendicular. "The Italian +women are considered the most lovely women in the world." + +"Tell that to the marines, ould chap!" chimed in a boatswain's mate, who +now made a fourth in the party. "The most lovely women in the world, eh? +Why, Lord love your foolish heart! I wouldn't give my Mrs. Sheavehole +for all that Italy could stow, take it from stem to starn." + +"She's your wife, Jack, and the mother of your children," argued the +serjeant; "but that cannot make her a bit the more of a beauty." + +"Can't it, though!" exclaimed the boatswain's mate, sharply, and at the +same time giving the mountain of tobacco in his cheek a thorough twist. +"If it don't, then I'm d----! and, setting a case, it's just this here: +when we first came within hail of each other, she was as handsome a +craft as ever had God A'mighty for a builder; every timber in her hull +was fashioned in Natur's own mould-loft, and she was so pinned and +bolted together that each plank did its own proper duty." + +"But she's declining in years, you know, Jack," urged the serjeant, +provokingly; "and though she might have been once handsome, yet age is a +sad defacer of beauty." + +"And suppose it is a _facer_ of beauty, it can't change the fashion of +the heart!" uttered the boatswain's mate. "But, that's just like you +jollies!--all for paint and pipe-clay. Now, Suke's as handsome to me as +ever she was; and when I sees her like an ould hen clucking over the +young uns, I'm blessed if I don't love her more than when she saved me +from having my back scratched by the tails o' the cat! I know, when +a craft is obliged to be unrigged and laid up in ordinary, she don't +look not by no manner o' means so well as when she was all a-taunto, +and painted as fine as a fiddle: but still, shipmates, she's the same +craft; and as for beauty, why, setting a case, it's just this here: +there's ould beauty, as well as young beauty; and it a'nt so much in +the figure-head, or the plank-shear, as having done your duty once, and +ready to do it again." + +"All that _may_ be very true, Jack," persevered the serjeant; "but then, +you must allow there is as great a difference in the appearance of some +women when compared to others, as there is in the build or rig of a +vessel." + +"Hearken to that, now!" responded the boatswain's mate. "Do you think +Jack Sheavehole wants to be told that a billy-boy arn't a ninety-eight, +or a Dutch schuyt a dashing frigate? But, look at this here craft that +now rolls us so sweetly over the ocean: arn't she as lovely now as when +she first buttered her bottom on the slips, and made a bed for herself +in the water? and won't she be the same beauty when she's put out of +commission, and mayhap be moored in Rotten-row? Well, she's stood +under us in many a heavy gale, and never yet showed her starn to an +enemy,--that's why I love her; not for what she may do, but for what she +has done." + +"But, I say, Jack! it's just the time for a yarn," said the captain of +the forecastle. "Tell us how Suke saved you from the gangway." + +"I wull, messmate--I wull," returned the other; "and then this lubberly +jolly shall see if I arn't got a good right to call her a beauty. I +belonged to the Tapsickoree, two-and-thirty; and, though I says it +myself, there warn't many more sich tight-looking, clean-going lads as +ould Jack Sheavehole--though I warn't _ould_ Jack then, but a reg'lar +smart, active, young blowhard of a maintopman. Well, we'd just come home +from foreign, and got three years' pay and a power o' prize-money; and +so most o' the boys goes ashore on liberty, and carries on till all's +blue. This was at Plymouth, shipmates; but, as we wur expecting to go +round to Spithead, I saves my cash--'cause why? I'd an ould father and +mother, from whom I'd parted company when a boy, and I thought, if I +could get long leave--thinks I, mayhap I can heave alongside of 'em, +with a cargo o' shiners, and it'll cheer the cockles o' their ould +hearts to see their son Jack togg'd off like a jolly tar, and captain +of a frigate's maintop; and, setting a case, why it's just this here: I +didn't want anything on 'em, but meant to give 'em better ground-tackle +to hould on to life by." + +"That was very kind of you, shipmate," said the serjeant. + +"Well," continued the boatswain's mate, without heeding the serjeant's +observation, "I has a bit of a spree ashore at Dock, in course; +but soon arter we goes round to Portsmouth. I axes for long leave; +and, as I'd al'ays done my duty to Muster Gilmour's--he was first +leeftenant--to Muster Gilmour's satisfaction, I gets my fortnight and my +liberty-ticket, and the large cutter lands me at Sallyport; so I hauls +my wind for the Blue Postes on the Pint, and enters myself on the books +of a snug-looking craft, as was bound through my native village.--Well, +shipmates, in regard o' my being on liberty, why, I was a gemman at +large; so I buys a few duds for ould dad, and a suit of new sails, and +some head-gear for the ould woman: for, thinks I to myself, mayhap we +shall cruise about a bit among the neighbours, and I'll let 'em see +we arn't been sarving the king or hammering the French for nothin'. +And, mayhap, thinks I, they arn't never got too much to grub; so I +gets a bag, and shoves in a couple of legs o' mutton and a whole shole +of turnips, a full bladder of rum, and, as I knew the old uns loved +cat-lap, there was a stowage of sugar and tea, with a bottle o' milk; +and, having plenty of the ready, I buys a little of everything useful in +the small way, that the ould chap at the shop showed me: and, my eyes! +but there was thousands of packages twisted and twined in true-blue +paper;--there was 'bacca, mustard, snuff, salt, soft tommy, pepper, +lickerice, matches, gingerbread, herrings, soap, pease, butter, candles, +cheese,--in short, something of everything, not forgetting a Welsh +wig and a mousetrap; and I'm blowed if I warn't regularly fitted out +for a three months' cruise! Well, by the time I'd got all my consarns +ship-shape, I twigs the signal for sailing, and so I gets aboard; and in +course, in regard o' my station in the maintop, I goes aloft, as high +as possible upon the upper-deck, and claps myself upon the luggage; but +when the governor as had charge comes to take the twiddling-lines, he +axes me to berth myself on the fokstle, and so, not to be outdone in +civility, or to make 'em think I'd let slip my edication, I comes down, +and goes forud, and stows myself away just abaft the pilot; when we made +sail, there was a party o' liberty boys from the ould Hibernia gives me +three cheers, and I waves my bit o' tarpaulin, sports a fresh morsel o' +'bacca, and wondered what made the houses and everything run past us so +quick; but I soon found out it was the craft--for I remembered the comb +of the sea did just the same when the frigate was walking along at a +spanking rate. So, for the first hour, I sits quiet and alone, keeping a +sharp look-out on the pilot, to see how he handled the braces, rounding +'em in to starboard, or to port--for, thinks I to myself, it's best to +larn everything--'cause why? who can tell but Jack Sheavehole mayn't +some day or another command just sich a consarn of his own! and how +foolish he'll look not to know which way to shape his course, or how +to steer his craft! But, I'm blowed! shipmates, if the horses didn't +seem to savvy the thing just as well as the man at the helm; for the +moment he tauten'd the gear, the hanemals slued round o' themselves all +ship-shape, and Bristor-fashion." + +"Why, it was the _reins_ that guided them," said the serjeant, laughing. + +"Then I'm blessed if it was!" returned old Jack; "for there warn't a +drop o' _rain_ fell that arternoon--it was a bright, sun-shiny day." + +"What you call twiddling-lines, they call reins," explained the +serjeant; "and the horses are steered by them." + +"Mayhap so, brother,--mayhap so," responded the boatswain's mate; "for I +arn't much skilled in them matters--'cause why? I never sail'd in one on +'em afore, and ounly once since;--the first was a happy trip, the last +was melancholy; and Jack sighed like an eddy wind in the galley funnel. +"But, to heave a-head--" + +"A good look-out before, there!" shouted the mate of the watch, from +the quarter-deck, where he was showing his authority by thrashing the +youngsters. + +"Ay, ay, sir!" responded the man at the cat-head; and then added, in a +lower tone, "They're having a jolly sheave-o in the cabin!" + +"It's a sad heart as never rejoices!" said the captain of the +forecastle. "But, I say, Jack! I don't like the look o' that sky to +windard." + +"It's one of two things--a parting blush o' the sun, or a gathering +squall o' the night," returned the boatswain's mate; "but we've no +reason to care about it--'cause, why? we're all as snug as possible. +Well, shipmates, to get on with my yarn:--when we'd run a league or +two, out of Portsmouth, we hove to at a victualling port, and I spied +a signal for good cheer hanging out aloft; and so, without any bother, +I boards 'em for a reg'lar stiff Nor'-wester, more nor half-and-half, +and says I to the pilot, 'Yo-hoy, shipmate!' says I, 'come, and set up +the standing backstays o' your heart a bit; and here, ould chap, is +someut to render the laneard;' and so I gives him a share out o' the +grog-tub, that set his eyes a-twinkling like the Lizard lights on a +frosty night. Well, just as we were going to trip the anchor again, a +pretty, smart-looking young woman rounds to under our starn and ranges +up alongside; and she says to the pilot, says she, 'Coachman, what'll +you charge to take me to ----?' and I'm blessed if she didn't name the +very port I was bound to!" + +"Why, 'tis quite romantic, Jack!" said the serjeant; "we shall, no +doubt, have a love-story presently: but, I'll wager you my grog +to-morrow, I can tell you who the female was." + +"Then, I'm blowed if you can!" retorted the boatswain's mate. "Now, who +was she, pray?" + +"Is it a fair bet?" inquired the serjeant with a look of conceited +knowledge. + +"No, she warn't a fair Bet, nor a fair Moll either," returned old Jack +surlily. "I thought you'd know nothing whatsomever about it! for that's +always the case when a jolly tries to shove his oar into a seaman's +rullock--'cause why? he don't savvy the loom from the blade." + +The serjeant laughed. "I meant a fair wager--that is, my allowance +against yours to-morrow that I name the female." + +"Done!" exclaimed the boatswain's mate; "and, shipmates, I call you all +to witness that everything's square and above-board." + +"Why, it was your Sukey, to be sure--Mrs. Sheavehole--anybody could tell +that," replied the serjeant. + +"There--you're out in your chrissening, ould chap, as you'll find +presently," asserted the veteran; "and so you've lost your grog. But, +d--it! I'd scorn to take a marine's allowance from him, though you +richly desarves it." + +"Come, heave ahead, Jack!" said the captain of the forecastle; "make a +clear run of it, and don't be backing and filling this fashion." + +"Ay, ay, Jem, I wull, I wull," answered old Jack. "But, I say, shipmate! +just clap a stopper on the marine's chattering-gear whilst I overhaul +my log.--Oh, now I have it! Up comes the young woman, and 'Coachman, +what'll you charge no take me to ----?'--'Seven shillings, ma'am,' says +he.--'Carn't you take me for less?' axes she; 'I've ounly got five, and +I am very tired with walking.'--'Not a ha'penny less, ma'am,' says he, +just as cool as an iceberg in Hudson's Bay; 'carn't do it, ma'am.'--'Oh, +do try!' says she, and I could see sorrow was pumping the tears into her +eyes; 'I would give you more if I had it,' says she.--'Carn't help it, +ma'am,' says ould surly-chops, 'carn't help it; grub for the hanemals +is very dear.'--'Oh, what shall I do!' says she so piteously; 'night is +coming on, and it's a long way to travel on foot; I shall sink under +it: do take the money!'--'Werry sorry, my dear,' says he, shaking his +blubber head like a booby, perched on a ratlin, 'werry sorry, but never +takes under price. You must use your trotters if you arn't never got +seven bob.'--'Then I'm d--if she does!' says I, 'for you shall carry +her.'--'Gammon!' says he, as spiteful as a pet monkey; 'who's to tip +the _fare_?'--So I ups and tells him a piece o' my mind, and axes +him if he ever know'd anything _unfair_ by Jack Sheavehole, or if he +thought I wanted to bilk him out o' the passage-money.--'Will you stand +the two odd bob?' axes he.--'And d' ye think I won't stand as much as +Bob or Dick, or any one else?' says I in a bit of a passion. 'Avast, +ould chap!' says I; 'humanity arn't cast off the mooring lashings from +my heart yet awhile, and I hopes never will;' and so I gives him a +seven-shilling bit without any more palaver, and 'Come, my precious,' +says I, houlding out my fin, 'mount areevo;' but I'm blessed if she +didn't hang back till the pilot rung out for us to come aboard! And +'Lord love you!' says I, 'you arn't afeard of a man-o'-war's-man, are +you?'--Oh no,' says she, brightening up for all the world like the +sun coming out of a fog-bank,--'Oh no; you have been my friend this +night, and God reward you for it!' So we soon clapped one another +alongside upon the break of the fokstle, and got to overhauling a little +smattering o' larning, by way of being civil, seeing as we'd ounly just +joined company. 'I'm thinking that's a pretty village you're bound to,' +says I in a dubersome way; 'I was there once,' says I, 'when I was +a boy about the height of a tin pannikin;' for, shipmates, I didn't +like to overhaul how I'd run away from home. 'Pray, is ould Martin +Joyce alive?' says I.--'He was when I left yesterday morning,' says +she; 'but he is confined to his bed through illness.'--'And the ould +woman.' says I, 'does she still hould on?'--'Yes,' says my companion; +'but she's lame, and almost blind! Well, I'm blow'd, shipmates, if I +didn't feel my daylights a-smarting with pain with the briny water that +overflowed the scuppers--'cause why? them there wur my own father and +mother, in the regard of my having been entered on the muster-books in +a purser's name, my reg'lar right-arnest one being Jack Joyce. 'And +what makes you cruising so far away from port?' says I, all kindly and +messmate-like.--'It's rather a long story,' says she; 'but as you have +been so good to me, why, I must tell you, that you mayn't think ill of +me. You shall have it as short as possible.'--'The shorter the sweeter, +my precious,' says I, seeing as I oughtn't to be silent. Well, she +begins--'Sister Susan and I are orphans; and when our parents died, ould +Martin and his dame, having no children, took us under their roof.'--'No +children!' says I. 'Why, I thought they had a young scamp of a son.' I +said this, shipmates, just to hear what she would log again me.--'Oh +yes,' says she; 'but he ran away to sea when a boy, and they never +heard from him for many years, till the other day they received a letter +from Plymouth to say he was in the Tapsickoree frigate, and expected to +be round at Spithead before long. So, the day before yesterday, a sailor +passing through the village told us she had arrived; and so his parents +getting poorer and poorer, with his father sick and his mother lame, I +thought it would be best to go to him and tell him of their situation, +that if he pleased he might come and see them once more before they +died.'--I was going to say, 'God A'mighty bless you for it!' but I +couldn't, shipmates; she spoke it so plaintively, that I felt sumeut +rise in my throat as if I was choking, and I gulped and gulped to keep +it down till I was almost strangled, and she went on:--'So yesterday I +walked all the way to Portsmouth, and went aboard the frigate; but the +officer tould me there was no man of the name of Joyce borne upon the +the books.'--'It was a d--lubberly thing!' says I, 'and now I remembers +it.'--'What,' says she, 'what do you mean?'--'Oh, nothing, my precious,' +says I, 'nothing in the world;' for I thought the time warn't come for +me to own who I was, and it fell slap across my mind that the doctor's +boy who writ the letter for me, had signalised my right-arnest name +at the bottom, without saying one word about the purser's consarn of +Sheavehole. 'And so you've had your voyage for nothing,' says I, 'and +now you're homeward-bound; and that's the long and the short on it. +Well, my precious, I'm on liberty; and as ould Martin did me a kindness +when I was a boy, why, I'll bring up for a few hours at his cottage, +and have a bit of a confab consarning ould times.' And the young woman +seemed mightily pleased about it; so that by the time we got to ----, +I'm blessed if, in all due civility, we warn't as thick as two Jews +on a payday. Well, we landed from the craft, and away we made sail in +consort for ould dad's cottage; and I'm blessed if everything didn't +look as familiar to me as when I was a young scamp of a boy! but I never +said not nothing; and so she knocks at the door, and my heart went +thump, thump,--by the hookey! shipmates, but it was just as I've seen a +bird try to burst out of its cage. Presently a voice sings out, 'Who's +there?'--and such a voice!--I never heard a fiddle more sweeterer in +the whole course of my life--'Who's there?' says the voice, in regard +of its being night, about four bells in the first watch.--'It's Maria,' +says my convoy,--'And Jack Sheavehole,' says I. 'Heave ahead, my cherub! +give us a clear gangway and no favour.'--'Oh, Maria, have you brought +him with you?' said a young woman, opening the door; and by the light +she carried in her hand, she showed a face as beautiful--I'm d--if +ever they carried such a figure-head as that, in any dock-yard in the +world!--'Have you brought him with you?' says she, looking at me, and +smiling so sweetly, that it took me all aback, with a bobble of a sea +running on my mind that made my ideas heave and set like Dutch fisherman +on the Dogger-bank.--'No,' says Maria, with a mournful sough, just as +the wind dies away arter a gale--'No; there was no such person on board +the frigate, and I have had my journey for nothing.'--'Nonsense!' says +the other; 'you want to play us some trick. I know this is he;' and she +pointed to me.--'Lord love your heart!' says I, plucking up courage, +for I'd flattened in forud, and fallen off so as to fill again,--'Lord +love your heart! I'd be anything or anybody to please you,' says I; +'but my name, d' ye mind, is Jack Sheavehole, at your sarvice in all due +civility. But let us come to an anchor, and then we can overhaul the +consarn according to Hamilton Moore.' So we goes in; and there sat my +poor ould mother by the remains of a fire, moored in the same arm-chair +I had seen her in ten years afore, and by her side was an ould wheezing +cat that I had left a kitten; and, though the cabin-gear warn't any +very great shakes, everything was as clean as if they'd just washed the +decks. 'Yo-hoy, dame!' says I, 'how do you weather the breeze?'--'Is +that my John?' says she, shipping her barnacles on her nose, like the +jaws of a spanker-boom on the saddle; and then Maria brings up alongside +of her, and spins the yarn about her passage to Portsmouth, boarding +the frigate, finding that she was out in her reckoning, and her return +with me; and ould dad, who was in his hammock in the next berth, would +have the door open to hear it all. And I felt so happy, and they looked +so downcast and sorrowful, that I'm blessed if I could stand it any +longer: so I seizes Susan round the neck, and I pays out a kiss as long +as the main-t'-bowline, till she hadn't breath to say 'Don't;' and then +I grapples 'em all round, sarving out hugs and kisses to all hands, +even to the ould cat; and I danced round the chairs and tables so, +that some o' the neighbours came running in; and 'Blow me tight!' says +I, 'side out for a bend; here I am again, all square by the lifts and +braces!'--and then I sings, + + 'Here I am, poor Jack, + Just come home from sea, + With shiners in my sack'-- + +and I whips out a handful of guineas from my jacket pocket, and shows +'em,-- + + 'Pray what do you think of me?' + +'What! mother,' says I, 'don't you know me? Why, I'm your true and +lawful son Jack Joyce; though, arter I run away, the purser made +twice-laid of it, and chrissened me Sheavehole, in regard of his +Majesty liking to name his own children. Never say die, ould woman! +there's plenty o' shot in the locker. And come, lasses,' says I to the +young uns, 'one on you stand cook o' the mess;' and I empties my bag +on the floor, and away rolled the combustibles, matches, and mutton, +and mousetraps, and all, scampering about like liberty boys arter a +six months' cruise; and I picks up the bladder o' rum, and squeezes +a good drain into a tea-cup, and hands it to the ould woman, topping +up her lame leg while she drinks. And, my eyes! there was a precious +shindy that night: the ould uns were almost dying with joy, and the +young uns had a fit o' the doldrums with pleasure. So I gets the big +pot under weigh, and shoves in both legs o' mutton and a full allowance +o' turnips, and I sarves out the grog between the squalls; and ould dad +blowed a whiff o' 'bacca, and mother payed away at the snuff; and nobody +warn't never happy if we warn't happy that night. Well, we'd a glorious +tuck-out o' mutton, wi' plenty o' capers; and arter that I stows the +ould woman in alongside o' dad, kisses the girls in course, and then +takes possession o' the arm-chair, where I slept as sound as a jolly on +sentry." + +"That's libellous!" exclaimed the serjeant somewhat roughly, as if +offended; "it is an unjust reflection, and is clearly libellous." + +"It's all the same to ould Jack whose _bellows_ it is," returned the +boatswain's mate carelessly; "it's no lie, howsomever, for none sleeps +so soundly as a marine on duty. But I arn't got time to overhaul that +consarn now; I know I laid in a stock of 'hard-and-fast' enough to +last for a three weeks' cruise. Well, shipmates, we keeps the game +alive all hot and warm, and we sported our best duds, and I makes +love to Susan, and we'd a regular new fit-out at the cottage, and I +leaves fifty pounds in the hands of the parson o' the parish for the +ould folks, and everything went on, in prime style, when one day the +landlord of the public comes in, and says he, 'Jack, the lobsters +are arter you.'--'Gammon!' says I; 'what can them fellows want with +me?'--'Arn't your liberty out?' says he.--'I never give it a thought,' +says I.--'Where's your ticket?' says he. So I showed him the chit; and +I'm blessed, shipmates, but it had been out two days! Well, there I was +in a pretty perdiklement; and the landlord, says he, 'Jack,' says he, +'I respect you for your goodness to the ould uns; though I suspects +they arn't altogether the cause of your losing your memory:' and he +looks and smiles at Suke. 'Howsomever, the lobsters are at my house +axing about you; and I thought I'd slip out and let you know, so that +you might have time to stow away.'--'Thanky, my hearty,' says I; 'but +I'm blessed, shipmates, if I warn't dead flabbergasted where to find a +stow-hole, till at last I hits upon a scheme to which Susan consented! +And what do you think it was, shipmates?--but you'd never guess! Why, +Suke slips on a pair o' my canvass trousers and comes to an anchor +in the arm-chair with a blanket round her, below, and I stows myself +under her duds, coiling away my lower stanchions tailor-fashion; and +the doctor coming in to see the ould folks, they puts him up to the +trick, and so he brings up alongside of her, and they whitens her face, +to make her look pale, as if she was nigh-hand kicking the bucket: and +there I lay, as snug as a cockroach in a chafing-mat, and in all due +decency, seeing as Suke had bent my lower casings hind part afore, +and there warn't a crack nor a brack in 'em. Presently in marches the +swaddies, and 'Pray whose cottage is this?' axed the serjeant as stiff +as a crutch.--'It is Martin Joyce's,' said Maria.--'Ay, I thought as +much,' says he: 'pray where is his son, Jack Joyce, or Jack Sheavehole?' +says he.--'He left us three days ago,' answered Maria, 'to join his +ship: I hope nothing has happened to him?'--'Indeed!' says the serjeant. +'Now, pretty as you are, I know that you are telling me what I should +call a very considerable ----' Suke shrieked out, and stopped what he +was going to say: for, shipmates, she sat so quiet, that, thinks I to +myself, they'll find out that she's shamming; so I gives her a smart +pinch in an inexpressible part, that made her sing out. Well, the long +and the short on it, is, that the party, who were looking out sharp for +'straggling money,' had a grand overhaul; but the doctor would not let +them interfere with Susan, who, he declared, was near her cushionmong; +and at last, being unable to find me, they hauls their wind for another +port.--Well, shipmates, as soon as possible arter they were gone, +why, Suke got rid of her trouble, and forth I came, as full-grown and +handsome a babby as ever cut a tooth. But I warnt safe yet; and so I +claps a suit of Suke's duds over my own gear, and, being but a little +chap, with some slutching, and letting out a reef or two here and there, +I got my sails all snugly bent, and clapped a cap with a thousand little +frills round my face, and a straw hurricane-house of a bonnet as big +as a Guineaman's caboose over all, with a black wail hanging in the +brails down afore, and my shoes scandaled up my legs, that I made a +good-looking wench. Well, I bid all hands good-bye. Suke piped her eye +a bit; but, Lord love you! we'd made our calculations o' matrimony, +and got the right bearings and distance, (else, mayhap, I should never +have got stowed away under her hatches,) and she was to join me at +Portsmouth, and we were to make a long splice of it off-hand; but then, +poor thing! she thought, mayhap, I might get grabbed and punished. +Up comes the coach; but the fellow wouldn't heave to directly, and +'Yo-hoy!' says I, giving him a hail.--'Going to Portsmouth, ma'am?' says +he, throwing all aback, and coming ashore from his craft.--'To be sure +I am,' says I. 'What made you carry on in that fashion, and be d--to +you!--is that all the regard you have for the sex?' says I.--'Would you +like to go inside, ma'am?' says he, opening the gangway port.--'Not +a bit of it,' says I: 'stow your damaged slops below, but give me a +berth 'pon deck.'--'Werry good, ma'am,' says he, shutting the gangway +port again; 'will you allow me to assist you up?'--'Not by no manner o' +means,' says I. 'Why, what the devil do you take me for! to think the +captain of a frigate's maintop can't find his way aloft!'--'You mean the +captain of the maintop's wife,' says Susan, paying me back the pinch +I gave her.--'Ay, ay, my precious,' says I; 'so I do, to be sure. God +bless you! good-b'ye! Here I go like seven bells half struck!--carry on, +my boy, and I'm blessed if it shan't be a shiner in your way!' And so +we takes our berths, and away we made sail, happy-go-lucky, heaving-to +now and then just to take in a sea-stock; and the governor had two eyes +in his head, and so he finds out the latitude of the thing, but he +says nothing; and we got safe through the barrier and into Portsmouth, +and I lands in the street afore they reached the inn,--for, thinks I +to myself, I'd better get berthed for the night and go aboard in the +morning. Well, shipmates, I parts company with the craft, and shapes my +course for Pint,--'cause I knew a snug corner in Capstan-square, and I +was determined to cut with all skylarks, in regard o' Suke. Well, just +as I was getting to steer with a small helm, up ranges a tall man who +had seen me come ashore from the coach, and 'My dear,' says he, 'what! +just fresh from the country?' But I houlds my tongue, shipmates, and he +pulls up alongside and grabs my arm. 'Come, don't be cross,' says he; +'let me take you in tow; I want to talk with you, my love.' I knew the +voice well; and though he had a pea jacket over his uniform-coat, and, +take him 'half way up a hatchway,' he was a d-- good-looking fellow, yet +nobody as ever had seen him could forget them 'trap-stick legs;' and +so, thinks I to myself, Jack, you'd better shove your boat off without +delay: for, d'ye see, shipmates, I'd sailed with him when I was a +mizen-top-mun in the ould Stag, and I well remembered Sir Joseph Y--ke. +But I'm blessed if he didn't stretch out arter me, and sailed two foot +to my one; and 'Come, come, my darling,' says he, 'take an honest tar +for your sweetheart. Let's look at that beautiful face;' and he catches +hould o' the wail and hauls it up chock ablock; but I pulls down my +bonnet so as he couldn't see my figure-head, and I carries on a taut +press to part company. But, Lord love yer hearts! it warn't no manner +o' use whatsomever--he more than held his own; and 'A pretty innocent +country wench indeed!' says he. 'What! have you lost your tongue?'--'No, +I'm d-- if I have!' says I: for I forgot myself, shipmates, through +vexation at not being able to get away. 'Hallo!' says he, gripping me +tight by the shoulder; 'who have we here?' I'm blessed, shipmates, if, +what with his pulling at my shawl, and my struggling to sheer off, +my spanker boom didn't at that very moment get adrift, and he caught +sight of it in a jiffy. 'Hallo!' says he, catching tight hold of the +pig-tail, and slueing me right round by it. 'Hallo!' says he, 'I never +see an innocent country wench dress her hair in this way afore;--rather +a masc'line sort o' female,' he says. 'Who the devil are you?' 'It's +Jack Sheavehole, your honour,' says I, bringing up all standing; and, +knowing his generous heart, thinks I, Now's your time, Jack; overhaul +the whole consarn to him, and ten to one but he pulls you through the +scrape somehow or other. So I ups and tells him the long and the short +on it, and he laughs one minute, and d--ns me for a desarting willun +the next; and 'Come along!' says he 'I must see what Captain B--n will +think of all this.' So he takes me in tow, and we went into one of the +grand houses in High-street; and 'Follow me,' says he, as he walked up +stairs into a large room all lighted up for a sheave-o; and there wur +ladies all togged out in white, and silver and gold, and feathers, and +navy officers and sodger officers,--a grand dinner-party. 'B--n,' hails +Sir Joseph, 'here's a lady wants you;' and he takes me by the hand, all +complimentary like, and the captain of the frigate comes towards us, +and I'm blessed if every soul fore and aft didn't fix their eyes on +me like a marine looking out for a squall. 'I've not the pleasure of +knowing the lady,' says the skipper; 'I fear, Sir Joseph, you're coming +York over me. Pray, ma'am, may I be allowed the happiness of seeing +your countenance and hearing your name?'--'I'm Jack Sheavehole, yer +honour,' says I, 'captain o' the Tapsickorees maintop, as yer honour +well knows.'--'I do, my man,' says he with a gravedigger's grin on his +countenance: 'and so you want to desert?'--'Never, yer honour,' says +I, 'in the regard o' my liking my ship and my captain too well.'--'No, +no, B--n,' says Sir Joseph, 'I must do him justice. It appears that +he had long leave, and onknowingly overstayed his time; so he rigged +himself out in angel's gear to cheat them devils of sodgers. I'll vouch +for the fact, B--n,' says he, 'for I saw him myself get down from the +coach--.'--'All fresh from the country, yer honour,' says I.--'Ay, all +fresh from the country,' chimes in Sir Joseph. 'He's an ould shipmate +o' mine, B--n, and I want you, as a personal favour to myself to back +his liberty-ticket for to-morrow. Such a lad as this, would never desart +the sarvice.'--'If I would, then I'm d--! saving yer honour's presence,' +says I. Well, shipmates, there I stood in the broad light, and all the +ladies and gemmen staring at me like fun; and 'Come, B--n,' says Sir +Joseph, 'extend his liberty till to-morrow'--'Where's your ticket?' axes +the skipper: and so, in regard of its being in my trousers pocket, I +hauls up my petticoats to get at it; and, my eyes! but the women set up +a screeching, and the officers burst out in a broadside o' laughing, and +you never heard such a bobbery as they kicked up,--it was a downright +reg'lar squall." + +"Ay, squall indeed," said the captain of the forecastle: "here it comes +with a vengeance!" he bellowed out with stentorian lungs. "Hard up +with the helm--hard a-weather." In an instant the sea was one sheet of +foam; the wind came whistling like the rustling of ten thousand arrows +in their swiftest flight; a report like the discharge of a heavy piece +of artillery was heard forward, and away flew the jib like a fleecy +cloud to leeward. The frigate heeled over, carrying everybody and +everything into the lee scuppers; the lightning hissed and cracked as +it exploded between the masts, making everything tremble from the keel +to the truck; broad sheets of water were lifted up and dashed over the +decks fore and aft: indeed, it seemed as if the gale were striving to +raise the ponderous vessel from the ocean for the purpose of plunging +it into the dark abyss; a thick mist-like shroud hung round her, alow +and aloft, as she struggled to lift herself against the tempest. The +topsail halliards were let go; but the nearly horizontal position of the +masts prevented the sails from running down. Inevitable destruction for +the moment threatened to engulph them all, when "crack, crack, crack!" +away went the topmasts over the side; the spanker sheet had been cut +away, and off bounced the spanker after the jib. The frigate partially +righted, and Lord Eustace and his officers rushed to the deck. But the +squall had passed: the moon again shone beautifully clear; the deceitful +sky and still more deceitful ocean were all smiles, as if nothing had +happened,--though the evidences of their wrath were but too apparent +in the dismantled state of his Majesty's ship. But we must again leave +them, as we did before, to + + "Call all hands to clear the wreck." + + + + + THE USEFUL YOUNG MAN. + A SECOND SERIES. BY WILLIAM COLLIER. + + "There's one of us in every family." + + To make ourselves useful's a duty we owe + To mankind and ourselves in our sojourn below; + To return good for evil, and always "to do + Unto others as you'd have them do unto you:" + So I bear all with patience, resolved, if I can, + To act well my part as a Useful Young Man! + + But, alas! _entre nous_, 'tis a difficult task, + As seldom I'm left in life's sunshine to bask; + For I'm hurried, and worried, imposed on by all, + Who think I should run at their beck or their call: + "So obliging," folks say, "is their favourite Sam, + That he well earns the name of the Useful Young Man!" + + Each morning at breakfast I'm doomed to peruse + "The Herald," and "Post," for "the family news," + While the toast, eggs, and coffee, which fall to my lot, + Get a pretty considerable distance from hot: + Yes, such are the COMFORTS--deny it who can?-- + That fall to the share of each Useful Young Man! + + If Jane, or Maria, for work should agree, + The dear creatures invariably send down for me + To make myself useful, and read while they knit, + Paint, draw, or do anything they may think fit. + Thus, Sam--poor pill-garlic!--they safely trepan: + Alack! what a life leads a Useful Young Man! + + If the day's rather wet, and they can't gad about, + They think nothing whatever, of sending me out:-- + "Now, Sam, my good fellow, just pop on your hat; + Run to _Howell's_ for this thing, and _Holmes's_ for that; + You'll make yourself pleasant we know, if you can,-- + What a comfort to have such a Useful Young Man!" + + When John, our fat butler, or Bridget, the cook, + Have leisure for reading "some novelty book," + They ne'er think of asking my leave to peruse, + But help themselves freely to just what they choose: + Making free with my novels is no novel plan, + For THEY own Master Sam's such a useful Young Man! + + Once Thomas, the footman, kissed Anne on the stairs, + Who loudly squalled out, just to give herself airs; + When my father ran down, in great anger, to see + What the cause of the squeaking and squalling could be. + Tom had bolted; but not till they'd settled a plan + To throw all the blame on _the Useful_ Young Man! + + When the Opera we visit, I'm kept in the rear + Of our box, and can scarce get a glimpse, I declare, + Of the stage, or the audience;--so only remain, + To trot up to _Dubourg_ for _punch à la Romaine_, + To run out for a book, or to pick up a fan:-- + Alas! what a drudge is a Useful Young Man! + + But sad is my fate when I go to a rout. + If a toothless old maid sits a partner without, + The beaux are looked o'er, but they always agree + To fix the _agreeable_ task upon me; + For to dance with all _bores_, 'tis the province of Sam, + 'Deed the file of each victimised Useful Young Man! + + If we're late at the dance, and no coach to be had, + There's Sam! the dear fellow! the exquisite lad! + He'll search all the stands in the town, but he'll gain + A coach for his friends--though it's pelting with rain + Oh! such are the _pleasures_--deny it who can-- + That fall to the lot of a Useful Young Man! + + To be nice about trifles is not over wise; + Where's the churl that finds favour in woman's bright eyes? + To be nice about trifles, is trifling with folly, + For the right end of life is but left to be jolly; + So I'll make up my mind just to stick to this plan, + And PAG _out_ my _terms_ as a Useful Young Man. + + + + + REMAINS OF HAJJI BABA. + + + CHAPTER V. + +Having bought some spangled stuffs for the trousers of the harem of +our exalted grand vizier, (upon whom be blessings!) and despatched +them, with letters, to the foot of the Shah's throne by an express +Tatar, I joined my Greek companions at the Adrianople Gate, and left +Constantinople for the country of the Francs. + +I found my new friends were raving with the new malady. It seems that +they now called themselves free,--a blessing which they endeavoured +to persuade me was beyond all price; for, as far as I could learn +from their definition of it, I found that now they could wear yellow +slippers, put on a green coat, and wrap white muslin round their heads, +without being called to account. However, in order to secure these +advantages, it appeared that they were making no small sacrifices, for +they were quarrelling amongst themselves to their hearts' content; +and that more fell by the knives and stabs of their neighbours and +countrymen than ever in former times fell even by the despotism of +their Turkish rulers. Although I frequently asserted that quiet, peace, +and security from danger were great objects in life; yet I found that +I had a great deal to undergo before I could make them agree to that +plain fact; and at length, seeing that they had made out a certain +scheme of happiness of their own, the principal ingredient of which, +was the endurance of every thing rather than to give power to the true +believers, I allowed them to enjoy it without further molestation. + +After many adventures,--such as robberies by Bulgars, an escape from +shipwreck on the Danube, dislocation of bones in little carts in +Wallachia, incarceration within four bare walls at the Austrian frontier +on pretence of our being unclean men, contamination from pork and wine +among the Majars, and disordered patience brought about by phlegmatic, +smoking, slow-driving, ya! ya! post-boys in Germany,--we reached Vienna. +It was a day upon which I frequently exclaimed "_Ilham dulillah!_" the +day when I first saw the lofty spire of the great infidel church of that +city; for I was tired of everything: tired of my companions, tired of my +eternal hot seat in the corner of a coach, and longed to have a place to +myself where I might bless and curse at my pleasure whomsoever I should +like so to do. + +My first care upon arriving here, was to inquire about the object of my +mission,--the state of England. Wherever I went, I heard with a chuckle +that she had had her day, that she was going down fast, that too much +prosperity was daily destroying her; and every one added, with a sneer, +"Ah, they thought themselves the wisest of the sons of the earth; but +see! they are its greatest fools, for they do not know how to keep +what they have got." One of the great proofs which I continually heard +brought forward of the decay of her power and wealth, was the failure of +an enterprise which to me was inexplicable, but which, every one said, +in her better days would never have been abandoned. What I could make +out of the story was this:--It seems the Ingliz, in their madness, were +tired of going over their river in the common way,--that is, by bridges; +and so they determined to try a new way,--that is, to go under it. +Madness seized them; money poured in; they dug into the bowels of the +earth like moles; the workmen heard the river flowing over them,--still +they feared not, but dug on; at length it broke in upon them,--still +they cared not; they were drowned,--still they dug. All the world was +alive about it; everybody thought of the pleasure of cheating the old +bridges, and the nation seemed charmed that they had found a totally +novel mode of getting from one side of a river to another, without going +over it, when, all at once, symptoms of decay broke out. They had got +halfway when the work stopped; and the whole population, putting the +finger of astonishment into the mouth of disappointment, went home, +and, stepping over their thresholds with their right legs instead of +their left, waited for a return of good-luck--but it came not; their +luck evidently has turned, and there is the half-finished hole to attest +it. "Poor Ingliz!" thought I, when I heard this; "where are now my old +friends the Hoggs, my moon-faced Bessy, and her infidel Figsby? Shall I +find them again? perhaps they may have been lost, with many others, in +the mad enterprise of digging this great hole under their river!" + +I left my Greeks at Vienna, and, taking a place in a moving caravan +on wheels, called a diligence, but which went slower than one of +our strings of camels, I travelled onwards through towns, cities, +hamlets,--through forests, over rivers, over mountains peopled by +various tribes of Francs, all indifferent about showing their women's +faces, eating the unclean beast, drinking wine, shaving and washing +just as they pleased: ignorant of the blessed Koran, and staring wide +when such a country as Iran was mentioned to them. They all agreed in +sneering at the Ingliz, and assuring me that I should find that nation +upon their last legs, and their king with scarcely any power left him. + +At length we reached the country of the French Francs. Here I heard +that they had got rid of two or three kings since those days when +I was last near them; and that, after having sworn to maintain new +governments as fast as they were made, were now tired of the last king +they had created, and were in the full enjoyment of all the wretchedness +naturally flowing from change. I was told that they had been increasing +in wealth and respectability, until they lost their last king, when +their prosperity fell, as if by magic. Now, no man was certain of the +possession of his property even for a day; and every one was obliged by +turns to arm himself cap-a-pie, to do his duty as a soldier, in order to +secure public happiness at the point of the bayonet. + +We entered the happy city of Paris just at the moment when a large band +of well-dressed soldiers were firing upon a mob, who were throwing +large stones at them, and crying out, as the words were interpreted to +us, "Liberty for ever!" "Down with the king!" This ceremony, we were +assured, was performed about once a month. I asked my companions in the +coach what they meant by liberty, but I found no one could give me any +intelligible explanation; for it seems the French had all that they +could possibly require, and that, if they wanted more, it must be to +live without laws, without a king, without religion, and with a right to +appropriate their neighbour's goods, or cut their neighbour's throat. + +I trembled from head to foot all the time that I lived in this happy +city, fearful of never being able to get out of it with a whole skin; +at length I made an effort, and, accompanied by Mahboob, I took places +in a travelling coach, and reached the sea-side opposite to the coast +of England. I was lucky to see with my own eyes that this country was +yet in existence after the many accounts I had heard of its total +destruction. + + + CHAPTER VI. + +I crossed over from France to England, mounted upon a species of +dragon spouting smoke and exhaling fire, to which the famous monster +of Mazanderan, slain by Rustam the Valiant, was a mere plaything. +But--shall I say it?--the awful sickness which seized me whilst +performing this feat, so overpowered me, that it was impossible for +me, the slave of the asylum of the universe, to put my instructions +into execution, and to write down in a book all the wonders which in +part came to my understanding on that auspicious day. I may confidently +assert that no follower of the blessed Ali ever suffered so much in so +short a time as I then did. I was first taken from my French bed before +the day began to dawn, and put upon this English monster. As soon as +its wings began to expand, and to move through the waters, an universal +tremor assailed it, which communicated itself to me and all with me; and +I continued to be well shaken until I reached the shores of England. +Then I felt so giddy that I thought my head had got into the infernal +regions, until I soon became certain that my stomach had followed it +there also. There I lay groaning, making noises,--oh, such noises!--that +if they could have been wafted to the ear of the king of kings, +his heart would have smote him for having placed his slave in this +predicament! When I was told that we were arrived, I soon was restored +to myself, and hastened from the bowels of the monster to the light +of heaven; and there, indeed, I saw a town, and a castle, and living +men and women, and, truly, nothing indicating a ruined country and a +desponding people. We landed at this place. It was called Dover; and +as I was told, is famous for a recent controversy whether it should be +spelt with an _o_ or an _e_ in the last syllable. From time immemorial +it had possessed the _e_; but such was the spirit of change that they +had now transformed it into the _o_, although the lovers of old customs +and good order kept to the old sacred _e_. "When that spirit seizes a +nation, who knows," thought I, "when changes begin, where they may end?" +If we were to hearken to all our enlightened sofis in Persia, they would +expunge many sayings in our blessed Koran; and, as we have not a second +prophet to direct us, one man's change would be as good as another's. +Bit by bit all would be upset; we should not have a law left for our +direction, and we should finish by cutting each other's throats in order +to settle which was the best way to live. + +I thought, however, that I could discover some symptoms of beggary in +the state of the country, by what happened when I was first setting foot +on the infidel shore. Two scrutinising-looking Francs stood on each side +of a board over which I was to walk on stepping from the boat to land; +and when I ventured to do so, they stopped me, passed their hands over +the protuberances of my person, and were about to seize a cashmere shawl +which I wore round my waist, when I exclaimed, "The dogs are eating +dirt!" which brought some of my friends on board the packet to my help. +Explanations were made, and I was let pass. These were officers of +customs. "But," thought I, "is it possible that this great nation can be +brought to such a state of want that it permits its officers to rob a +poor stranger!" I was told of odd things. It was hinted to me, that the +burnt father's whelps looked mightily hard at my beard, and that they +had hinted that, by rights, I ought to pay duty for it, as foreign hair. + +Having landed, with Mahboob close at my heels, we were almost crushed to +death by a mob of ruffians, who took violent possession of our persons, +one pulling us one way, the other the other, roaring the oddest words by +way of congratulations on first landing, which to this day I have not +made out. "The Ship!" bawled one; "York!" cried another; "Red Lion!" +said the next; "Blue Posts!" said the next. "_Be Jehanum!_" roared I; +and, at length, by dint of main force, I was rescued by my friend in the +packet, and taken safe into a caravanserai that stood by the sea-shore. +Here, indeed, the kindness shown me by many men and women,--the bows, +the dips, the smiles, the sugared words which were lavished upon me, +made up in part for the rude sort of reception which I had hitherto +experienced, and the sunshine of satisfaction dawned over my heart. +But still a doubt hung about my mind; and I asked myself how it was +possible that I should all at once have become such an object of tender +interest and affection to a set of infidels who had never seen me +before,--who probably did not know whether Iran was situated above the +surface of the heavens, or within the bowels of the earth,--who perhaps +had never heard of the name of our asylum of the universe, nor even of +our blessed prophet? I then reflected upon what had happened to us when +we had landed before, in England, and recollected that, at the end of +all things, there came a certain little odd-looking bit of paper which +the infidels called "bill," by virtue of which all their civilities, all +their kindness, all their apparent hospitality were condensed into two +or three crooked cyphers, and then converted into sums of gold, whether +the stranger was agreeable, or not agreeable, to the transformation. +I quite streamed from every pore as I thought upon that moment of my +retribution, for my wits were my principal stock in hand; money being +little, and, I feared, credit less. However, as long as the civility +lasted, I was delighted, and I made as free a use of the caravanserai as +if it had been the Shah's Gate. + +I never lost sight of the object of my mission. I was delighted to have +landed without having excited a suspicion of the nature of my character; +and, as England is the head-quarters for curious men,--for, owing to +her vast foreign possessions, she imports them from all parts,--no +one thought it strange that two men with beards, with sheep-skin caps +on, and mounted on high-heeled green slippers, should arrive amongst +them to take a walk through their country. I was charmed, too, to have +created an interest in the breast of an infidel Englishman who had been +my fellow-passenger on board the packet. He was a low, rotund man, of +evident discretion in speech, the master of moderation, and the lord of +few words. There was no display in his dress, for he buttoned himself +up tight in his broadcloth coat, exhibited no chains, and contented +himself with a rough stick with a hook to it. I found that he had +been in India,--where many English have been; and, when I could not +understand all he said to me in his own language, I was glad to find he +could explain himself fully by the help of some score of indifferent +Persian words. He had helped me out of the dilemma with the custom-house +officers, had rescued me out of the fangs of the complimentary harpies, +had installed me in the caravanserai; and had thus gained a claim upon +my gratitude. + +I had occasionally asked him about the state of his country, but I had +never been able to get more out of him than a shake of his head. From +what I could discover from the exterior of things, certainly there was +no indication of decay; and indeed, compared with what I had observed +in the other countries of Europe, there seemed here to be an increased +state of prosperity. It was evident that I had been everywhere hoaxed +upon the declining state of England, and that envy alone had excited +the report spread to her disadvantage. When we talk of ruin in Persia, +we see it at once: villages without inhabitants, dry water-courses, +abandoned caravanserais, ragged and wan-looking peasants, and tyrannical +governors. But here I saw a flourishing town, happy people, new +buildings, busy faces, and no appearance at all of governors. I remarked +this to my infidel friend: still he wagged his head, and talked of +things unknown to my understanding. The utmost I could draw from him +was, that he did not like _chopping and changing_. When I had discovered +the true meaning of these words I could not help saying to myself, "Our +Shah has long enough tried '_chopping_,' without gaining prosperity, I +wish he too would try _changing_; he might perhaps succeed better." I, +however, for the present determined to keep my own counsel, and apply +the opening draught of inquiry to the malady of ignorance as often as +such relief came within my power. + + + + + [Greek: Scholazontos ascholia.] + + A LONDON FOG. + + Who has not seen a London fog? I ween + All those who live there, often must have seen + This "darkness visible:" + For much I write not; but, for those who dwell + Where 'tis not known, an anecdote I'll tell + Both droll and risible. + + 'Twas on a day,--I'm not quite certain when, + For many such have been, and will again + Occur, I'll stake my life,-- + A heavy fog took daylight out of sight;[91] + So thick it was, that I am sure you might + Have cut it with a knife. + + You could not see your hand before your face. + E'en cabs and coaches knew not how to trace + Their way along the town; + But, on that day, through many a window flew, + To shopmen's horror! On the pavements, too, + Folks ran each other down. + + Imagine, now, a pork-shop--I don't know + Quite _where_; but _there_, in many a tempting row, + Most pleasing to the sight, + Hung pork and hams, inside, and at the door + Outside; "'twas _grease_, but living _grease_ no more." + (Byron is my delight.) + + Behind the counter, mute and anxious, sat + The owner of these goodly things; and at + Them first, and then the door, + He look'd alternate, for no one that day + Had call'd to buy; the fog kept folks away. + He thought the fog a bore! + + Long had he sat in expectation vain; + "He sigh'd and look'd, and sigh'd and look'd again," + Yet no one came to buy! + The day was spent, he rose to shut his shop: + Just at that moment he was led to stop,-- + A person caught his eye. + + "A customer at last!" the porkman thought; + Fancied some pork or hams already bought, + And bow'd, "Your servant, ma'am! + "Bad walking out o' doors to-day," quoth he. + (This could not be gainsaid at all.) Said she, + "Do you see there here ham?" + + Now, though the fog as dark enough _without_, + _Inside_ 'twas clear: the porkman had no doubt, + His ham he saw and knew: + He could not make the question out; no more + Could fancy why she kept so near the door, + But said, "Of _course_ I do." + + She, with a grin facetious, said, "Well, then, + I'm blow'd if you will ever see't again;" + And ran away outright. + The porkman hurried quickly to the door, + Too late, alas! to see; for, long before, + His ham was out of sight! + T. G. G. + +[91] "Eripiunt subito nubes coelumque diemque."--Virg. Æn. i. v. 88. + + + + + EPIGRAM. + + You ask me, Roger, what I gain + By living on a barren plain:-- + This credit to the spot is due, + I live there without seeing you. + + + + + SHAKSPEARE PAPERS.--No. I. + + SIR JOHN FALSTAFF. + + "For those who read aright are well aware + That Jaques, sighing in the forest green, + Oft on his heart felt less the load of care + Than Falstaff, revelling his rough mates between." + _MS. penes me._ + + +"Jack Falstaff to my familiars!"--By that name, therefore, must he +be known by all persons, for all are now the familiars of Falstaff. +The title of "Sir John Falstaff to all Europe" is but secondary and +parochial. He has long since far exceeded the limit by which he bounded +the knowledge of his knighthood; and in wide-spreading territories, +which in the day of his creation were untrodden by human foot, and in +teeming realms where the very name of England was then unheard of, +Jack Falstaff is known as familiarly as he was to the wonderful court +of princes, beggars, judges, swindlers, heroes, bullies, gentlemen, +scoundrels, justices, thieves, knights, tapsters, and the rest whom he +drew about him. + +It is indeed _his_ court. He is lord paramount, the _suzerain_ to +whom all pay homage. Prince Hal may delude himself into the notion +that he, the heir of England, with all the swelling emotions of soul +that rendered him afterwards the conqueror of France, makes a butt of +the ton of man that is his companion. The parts are exactly reversed. +In the peculiar circle in which they live, the prince is the butt of +the knight. He knows it not,--he would repel it with scorn if it were +asserted; but it is nevertheless the fact that he is subdued. He calls +the course of life which he leads, the unyoked humour of his idleness; +but he mistakes. In all the paths where his journey lies with Falstaff, +it is the hard-yoked servitude of his obedience. In the soliloquies put +into his mouth he continually pleads that his present conduct is but +that of the moment, that he is ashamed of his daily career, and that +the time is ere long to come which will show him different from what he +seems. As the dramatic character of Henry V. was conceived and executed +by a man who knew how genius in any department of human intellect would +work,--to say nothing of the fact that Shakspeare wrote with the whole +of the prince's career before him,--we may consider this subjugation +to Falstaff as intended to represent the transition state from spoiled +youth to energetic manhood. It is useless to look for minute traces of +the historical Henry in these dramas. Tradition and the chronicles had +handed him down to Shakspeare's time as a prince dissipated in youth, +and freely sharing in the rough debaucheries of the metropolis. The same +vigour "that did affright the air at Agincourt" must have marked his +conduct and bearing in any tumult in which he happened to be engaged. +I do not know on what credible authority the story of his having given +Gascoigne a box on the ear for committing one of his friends to prison +may rest, and shall not at present take the trouble of inquiring. It +is highly probable that the chief justice amply deserved the cuffing, +and I shall always assume the liberty of doubting that he committed +the prince. That, like a "sensible lord," he should have hastened to +accept any apology which should have relieved him from a collision +with the ruling powers at court, I have no doubt at all, from a long +consideration of the conduct and history of chief justices in general. + +More diligent searchers into the facts of that obscure time have +seen reason to disbelieve the stories of any serious dissipations of +Henry. Engaged as he was from his earliest youth in affairs of great +importance, and with a mind trained to the prospect of powerfully +acting in the most serious questions that could agitate his time,--a +disputed succession, a rising hostility to the church, divided +nobility, turbulent commons, an internecine war with France impossible +of avoidance, a web of European diplomacy just then beginning to +develope itself, in consequence of the spreading use of the pen and +inkhorn so pathetically deplored by Jack Cade, and forerunning the +felonious invention, "contrary to the king's crown and dignity," of +the printing-press, denounced with no regard to chronology by that +illustrious agitator;--in these circumstances, the heir of the house of +Lancaster, the antagonist of the Lollards,--a matter of accident in his +case, though contrary to the general principles of his family,--and at +the same time suspected by the churchmen of dangerous designs against +their property,--the pretender on dubious title, but not at the period +appearing so decidedly defective as it seems in ours, to the throne of +France,--the aspirant to be arbiter or master of all that he knew of +Europe,--could not have wasted all his youth in riotous living. In fact, +his historical character is stern and severe; but with that we have +here nothing to do. It is not the Henry of battles, and treaties, and +charters, and commissions, and parliaments, we are now dealing with;--we +look to the Henry of Shakespeare. + +That Henry, I repeat, is subject and vassal of Falstaff. He is bound +by the necromancy of genius to the "white-bearded Satan," who he feels +is leading him to perdition. It is in vain that he thinks it utterly +unfitting that he should engage in such an enterprise as the robbery +at Gadshill; for, in spite of all protestations to the contrary, he +joins the expedition merely to see how his master will get through his +difficulty. He struggles hard, but to no purpose. Go he must, and he +goes accordingly. A sense of decorum keeps him from participating in the +actual robbery; but he stand close by, that his resistless sword may aid +the dubious valour of his master's associates. Joining with Poins in the +jest of scattering them and seizing their booty, not only is no harm +done to Falstaff, but a sense of remorse seizes on the prince for the +almost treasonable deed-- + + "Falstaff sweats to death, + And lards the lean earth as he walks along; + Wer't not for laughing, _I should pity him_." + +At their next meeting, after detecting and exposing the stories related +by the knight, how different is the result form what had been predicted +by Poins when laying the plot! "The virtue of this jest will be, the +incomprehensible lies that this same fat rogue will tell us when we meet +at supper: how thirty, at least, he fought with; what wards, what blows, +what extremities he endured; and in the reproof of this lies the jest." +Reproof indeed! All is detected and confessed. Does Poins _reprove_ +him, interpret the word as we will? Poins indeed! That were _lèze +majesté_. Does the prince? Why, he tries a jest, but it breaks down; +and Falstaff victoriously orders sack and merriment with an accent of +command not to be disputed. In a moment after he is selected to meet Sir +John Bracy, sent special with the villainous news of the insurrection of +the Percies; and in another moment he is seated on his joint-stool, the +mimic King of England, lecturing with a mixture of jest and earnest the +real Prince of Wales. + +Equally inevitable is the necessity of screening the master from +the consequence of his delinquencies, even at the expense of a very +close approximation to saying the thing that is not; and impossible +does Hal find it not to stand rebuked when the conclusion of his joke +of taking the tavern-bills from the sleeper behind the arras is the +enforced confession of being a pickpocket. Before the austere king his +father, John his sober-blooded brother, and other persons of gravity or +consideration, if Falstaff be in presence, the prince is constrained +by his star to act in defence and protection of the knight. Conscious +of the carelessness and corruption which mark all the acts of his +guide, philosopher, and friend, it is yet impossible that he should not +recommend him to a command in a civil war which jeopardied the very +existence of his dynasty. In the heat of the battle and the exultation +of victory he is obliged to yield to the fraud that represents Falstaff +as the actual slayer of Hotspur. Prince John quietly remarks, that the +tale of Falstaff is the strangest that he ever heard: his brother, who +has won the victory, is content with saying that he who has told it is +the strangest of fellows. Does he betray the cheat? Certainly not,--it +would have been an act of disobedience; but in privy council he suggests +to _his_ prince in a whisper, + + "Come, bring your luggage [the body of Hotspur] _nobly_--" + +nobly--as becomes your rank in _our_ court, so as to do the whole of +your followers, myself included, honour by the appearance of their +master-- + + "Come, bring your luggage nobly on your back: + For my part, if a lie may do thee grace, + I'll gild it with the happiest terms I have." + +Tribute, this, from the future Henry V.! Deeper tribute, however, is +paid in the scene in which state necessity induces the renunciation +of the fellow with the great belly who had misled him. Poins had +prepared us for the issue. The prince had been grossly abused in the +reputable hostelrie of the Boar's Head while he was thought to be out +of hearing. When he comes forward with the intention of rebuking the +impertinence, Poins, well knowing the command to which he was destined +to submit, exclaims, "My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge, +and turn all to merriment, if you take not the heat." Vain caution! The +scene, again, ends by the total forgetfulness of Falstaff's offence, +and his being sent for to court. When, therefore, the time had come +that considerations of the highest importance required that Henry +should assume a more dignified character, and shake off his dissolute +companions, his own experience and the caution of Poins instruct him +that if the thing be not done on the heat,--if the old master-spirit +be allowed one moment's ground of vantage,--the game is up, the good +resolutions dissipated into thin air, the grave rebuke turned all into +laughter, and thoughts of anger or prudence put to flight by the +restored supremacy of Falstaff. Unabashed and unterrified he has heard +the severe rebuke of the king--"I know thee not, old man," &c. until an +opportunity offers for a repartee: + + "Know, the grave doth gape + For thee thrice wider than for other men." + +Some joke on the oft-repeated theme of his unwieldy figure was twinkling +in Falstaff's eye, and ready to leap from his tongue. The king saw his +danger: had he allowed a word, he was undone. Hastily, therefore, does +he check that word; + + "Reply not to me with a fool-born jest;" + +forbidding, by an act of eager authority,--what he must also have felt +to be an act of self-control,--the outpouring of those magic sounds +which, if uttered, would, instead of a prison becoming the lot of +Falstaff, have conducted him to the coronation dinner, and established +him as chief depositary of what in after days was known by the name of +backstairs influence. + +In this we find the real justification of what has generally been +stigmatized as the harshness of Henry. Dr. Johnson, with some +indignation, asks why should Falstaff be sent to the Fleet?--he had +done nothing since the king's accession to deserve it. I answer, he +was sent to the Fleet for the same reason that he was banished ten +miles from court, on pain of death. Henry thought it necessary that +the walls of a prison should separate him from the seducing influence +of one than whom he knew many a better man, but none whom it was so +hard to miss. He felt that he could not, in his speech of predetermined +severity, pursue to the end the tone of harshness towards his old +companion. He had the nerve to begin by rebuking him in angry terms as +a surfeit-swelled, profane old man,--as one who, instead of employing +in prayer the time which his hoary head indicated was not to be of long +duration in this world, disgraced his declining years by assuming the +unseemly occupations of fool and jester,--as one whom he had known in +a dream, but had awakened to despise,--as one who, on the verge of the +gaping grave, occupied himself in the pursuits of such low debauchery as +excluded him from the society of those who had respect for themselves +or their character. But he cannot so continue; and the last words he +addresses to him whom he had intended to have cursed altogether, hold +forth a promise of advancement, with an affectionate assurance that +it will be such as is suitable to his "strength and qualities." If in +public he could scarce master his speech, how could he hope in private +to master his feelings? No. His only safety was in utter separation: it +should be done, and he did it. He was emancipated by violent effort; did +he never regret the ancient thraldom? Shakspeare is silent: but may we +not imagine that he who sate crowned with the golden rigol of England, +cast, amid all his splendours, many a sorrowful thought upon that old +familiar face which he had sent to gaze upon the iron bars of the Fleet? + +As for the chief justice, he never appears in Falstaff's presence, save +as a butt. His grave lordship has many solemn admonitions, nay, serious +threats to deliver; but he departs laughed at and baffled. Coming to +demand explanation of the affair at Gadshill, the conversation ends +with his being asked for the loan of a thousand pounds. Interposing +to procure payment of the debt to Dame Quickly, he is told that she +goes about the town saying that her eldest son resembles him. Fang and +Snare, his lordship's officers, are not treated with less respect, +or shaken off with less ceremony. As for the other followers of the +knight,--Pistol, Nym, Bardolph,--they are, by office, his obsequious +dependents. But it is impossible that they could long hang about him +without contracting, unknown even to themselves, other feelings than +those arising from the mere advantages they derived from his service. +Death is the test of all; and when that of Falstaff approaches, the +dogged Nym reproaches the king for having run bad humours on the knight; +and Pistol in swelling tone, breathing a sigh over his heart "fracted +and corroborate," hastens to condole with him. Bardolph wishes that he +was with him wheresoever he has gone, whether to heaven or hell: he has +followed him all his life,--why not follow him in death? The last jest +has been at his own expense; but what matters it now? In other times +Bardolph could resent the everlasting merriment at the expense of his +nose--he might wish it in the belly of the jester; but that's past. The +dying knight compares a flea upon his follower's nose to a black soul +burning in hell-fire; and no remonstrance is now made. "Let him joke +as he likes," says and thinks Bardolph with a sigh, "the fuel is gone +that maintained that fire. He never will supply it more; nor will it, +in return, supply fuel for his wit. I wish that it could." And Quickly, +whom he had for nine and twenty years robbed and cheated,--pardon +me, I must retract the words,--from whom he had, for the space of a +generation, levied tax and tribute as matter of right and due,--she +hovers anxiously over his dying bed, and, with a pathos and a piety well +befitting her calling, soothes his departing moments by the consolatory +assurance, when she hears him uttering the unaccustomed appeal to God, +that he had no necessity for yet troubling himself with thoughts to +which he had been unused during the whole length of their acquaintance. +Blame her not for leaving unperformed the duty of a chaplain: it was not +her vocation. She consoled him as she could,--and the kindest of us can +do no more. + +Of himself, the centre of the circle, I have, perhaps, delayed too long +to speak; but the effect which he impresses upon all the visionary +characters around, marks Shakspeare's idea that he was to make a +similar impression on the real men to whom he was transmitting him. +The temptation to represent the gross fat man upon the stage as a mere +buffoon, and to turn the attention of the spectators to the corporal +qualities and the practical jests of which he is the object, could +hardly be resisted by the players; and the popular notion of the +Falstaff of the stage is, that he is no better than an upper-class +Scapin. A proper consideration, not merely of the character of his mind +as displayed in the lavish abundance of ever ready wit, and the sound +good sense of his searching observation, but of the position which he +always held in society, should have freed the Falstaff of the cabinet +from such an imputation. It has not generally done so. Nothing can be +more false, nor, _pace tanti viri_, more unphilosophical, than Dr. +Johnson's critique upon his character. According to him, + +"Falstaff is a character loaded with faults, and with those faults +which naturally produce contempt. He is a thief and a glutton, a coward +and a boaster, always ready to cheat the weak, and prey upon the poor; +to terrify the timorous, and insult the defenceless. At once obsequious +and malignant, he satirizes in their absence those whom he lives by +flattering. He is familiar with the prince only as an agent of vice, +but of this familiarity he is so proud, as not only to be supercilious +and haughty with common men, but to think his interest of importance to +the Duke of Lancaster. Yet the man thus corrupt, thus despicable, makes +himself necessary to the prince that despises him, by the most pleasing +of all qualities, perpetual gaiety; by an unfailing power of exciting +laughter, which is the more freely indulged, as his wit is not of the +splendid or ambitious kind, but consists in easy scapes and sallies +of levity, which make sport, but raise no envy. It must be observed, +that he is stained with no enormous or sanguinary crimes, so that his +licentiousness is not so offensive but that it may be borne for his +mirth. + +"The moral to be drawn from this representation is, that no man is +more dangerous than he that, with a will to corrupt, hath the power to +please; and that neither wit nor honesty ought to think themselves safe +with such a companion, when they see Henry seduced by Falstaff." + +What can be cheaper than the venting of moral apophthegms such as that +which concludes the critique? Shakspeare, who had no notion of copybook +ethics, well knew that Falstaffs are not as plenty as blackberries, and +that the moral to be drawn from the representation is no more than that +great powers of wit will fascinate, whether they be joined or not to +qualities commanding grave esteem. In the commentary I have just quoted, +the Doctor was thinking of such companions as Savage; but the interval +is wide and deep. + +How idle is the question as to the cowardice of Falstaff. Maurice +Morgann wrote an essay to free his character from the allegation; and +it became the subject of keen controversy. Deeply would the knight +have derided the discussion. His retreat from before Prince Henry and +Poins, and his imitating death when attacked by Douglas, are the points +mainly dwelt upon by those who make him a coward. I shall not minutely +go over what I conceive to be a silly dispute on both sides: but in the +former case Shakspeare saves his honour by making him offer at least +some resistance to two bold and vigorous men when abandoned by his +companions; and, in the latter, what fitting antagonist was the fat and +blown soldier of three-score for + + "That furious Scot, + The bloody Douglas, whose well-labouring sword + Had three times slain the appearance of the king?" + +He did no more than what Douglas himself did in the conclusion of the +fight: overmatched, the renowned warrior + + "'Gan vail his stomach, and did grace the shame + Of those that turned their backs; and, in his flight, + Stumbling in fear, was took." + +Why press cowardice on Falstaff more than upon Douglas? In an age when +men of all ranks engaged in personal conflict, we find him chosen to a +command in a slaughterous battle; he leads his men to posts of imminent +peril; it is his sword which Henry wishes to borrow when about to engage +Percy, and he refuses to lend it from its necessity to himself; he can +jest coolly in the midst of danger; he is deemed worthy of employing +the arm of Douglas at the time that Hotspur engages the prince; Sir +John Coleville yields himself his prisoner; and, except in the jocular +conversations among his own circle, no word is breathed that he has +not performed, and is not ready to perform, the duties of a soldier. +Even the attendant of the chief justice, with the assent of his hostile +lordship, admits that he has done good service at Shrewsbury. All this, +and much more, is urged in his behalf by Maurice Morgann; but it is far +indeed from the root of the matter. + +Of his being a thief and a glutton I shall say a few words anon; but +where does he cheat the weak or prey upon the poor,--where terrify the +timorous or insult the defenceless,--where is he obsequious; where +malignant,--where is he supercilious and haughty with common men,--where +does he think his interest of importance to the Duke of Lancaster? +Of this last charge I see nothing whatever in the play. The "Duke" +of Lancaster[92] is a slip of the Doctor's pen. But Falstaff nowhere +extends his patronage to Prince John; on the contrary, he asks from +the prince the favour of his good report to the king, adding, when he +is alone, that the sober-blooded boy did not love him. He is courteous +of manner; but, so far from being obsequious, he assumes the command +wherever he goes. He is jocularly satirical of speech; but he who has +attached to him so many jesting companions for such a series of years, +never could have been open to the reproach of malignity. If the sayings +of Johnson himself about Goldsmith and Garrick, for example, were +gathered, must he not have allowed them to be far more calculated to +hurt their feelings than anything Falstaff ever said of Poins or Hal? +and yet would he not recoil from the accusation of being actuated by +malignant feelings towards men whom, in spite of wayward conversations, +he honoured, admired, and loved? + +"Health and fair greeting from our general, The prince Lord John and +Duke of Lancaster;" + +but it occurs nowhere else, and we must not place much reliance on the +authenticity or the verbal accuracy of such verses. He was Prince John +of Lancaster, and afterwards Duke of Bedford. The king was then, as the +king is now, Duke of Lancaster. + +Let us consider for a moment who and what Falstaff was. If you put +him back to the actual era in which his date is fixed, and judge him +by the manners of that time; a knight of the days perhaps of Edward +III.--at all events of Henry IV.--was a man not to be confounded with +the knights spawned in our times. A knight then was not far from the +rank of peer; and with peers, merely by the virtue of his knighthood, +he habitually associated as their equal. Even if we judge of him by +the repute of knights in the days when his character was written,--and +in dealing with Shakspeare it is always safe to consider him as giving +himself small trouble to depart from the manners which he saw around +him,--the knights of Elizabeth were men of the highest class. The queen +conferred the honour with much difficulty, and insisted that it should +not be disgraced. Sir John Falstaff, if his mirth and wit inclined +him to lead a reckless life, held no less rank in the society of the +day than the Earl of Rochester in the time of Charles II. Henry IV. +disapproves of his son's mixing with the loose revellers of the town; +but admits Falstaff unreproved to his presence. When he is anxious to +break the acquaintance, he makes no objection to the station of Sir +John, but sends him with Prince John of Lancaster against the archbishop +and the Earl of Northumberland. His objection is not that the knight, +by his rank, is no fitting companion for a son of his own, but that he +can better trust him with the steadier than the more mercurial of the +brothers. + +We find by incidental notices that he was reared, when a boy, page to +Thomas Mowbray, Duke of Norfolk, head of one of the greatest houses +that ever was in England, and the personal antagonist of him who was +afterwards Henry IV; that he was in his youth on familiar terms with +John of Gaunt, the first man of the land after the death of his father +and brother; and that, through all his life, he had been familiar with +the lofty and distinguished. We can, therefore, conjecture what had +been his youth and his manhood; we see what he actually is in declining +age. In this, if I mistake not, will be found the true solution of the +character; here is what the French call the _mot d'énigme_. Conscious +of powers and talents far surpassing those of the ordinary run of men, +he finds himself outstripped in the race. He must have seen many a man +whom he utterly despised rising over his head to honours and emoluments. +The very persons upon whom, it would appear to Doctor Johnson, he was +intruding, were many of them his early companions,--many more his +juniors at court. He might have attended his old patron, the duke, at +Coventry, upon St. Lambert's day, when Richard II. flung down the warder +amidst the greatest men of England. If he jested in the tilt-yard with +John of Gaunt, could he feel that any material obstacle prevented him +from mixing with those who composed the court of John of Gaunt's son? + +In fact, he is a dissipated man of rank, with a thousand times more wit +than ever fell to the lot of all the men of rank in the world. But he +has ill played his cards in life. He grumbles not at the advancement of +men of his own order; but the bitter drop of his soul overflows when +he remembers how he and that cheeseparing Shallow began the world, and +reflects that the starveling justice has land and beeves, while he, the +wit and the gentleman, is penniless, and living from hand to mouth by +the casual shifts of the day. He looks at the goodly dwelling and the +riches of him whom he had once so thoroughly contemned, with an inward +pang that he has scarcely a roof under which he can lay his head. The +tragic Macbeth, in the agony of his last struggle, acknowledges with +a deep despair that the things that should accompany old age,--as +honour, love, obedience, troops of friends,--he must not look to have. +The comic Falstaff says nothing on the subject; but, by the choice of +such associates as Bardolph, Pistol, and the rest of that following, +he tacitly declares that he too has lost the advantages which should +be attendant on years. No curses loud or deep have accompanied his +festive career,--its conclusion is not the less sad on that account: +neglect, forgotten friendships, services overlooked, shared pleasures +unremembered, and fair occasions gone for ever by, haunt him, no doubt, +as sharply as the consciousness of deserving universal hatred galls the +soul of Macbeth. + +And we may pursue the analogy farther without any undue straining. +All other hope lost, the confident tyrant shuts himself up in what he +deems an impregnable fortress, and relies for very safety upon his +interpretation of the dark sayings of riddling witches. Divested of the +picturesque and supernatural horror of the tragedy, Macbeth is here +represented as driven to his last resource, and dependent for life +only upon chances, the dubiousness of which he can hardly conceal from +himself. The Boar's Head in Eastcheap is not the castle of Dunsinane, +any more than the conversation of Dame Quickly and Doll Tearsheet is +that of the Weird Sisters; but in the comedy, too, we have the man, +powerful in his own way, driven to his last "frank," and looking to +the chance of the hour for the living of the hour. Hope after hope +has broken down, as prophecy after prophecy has been discovered to be +juggling and fallacious. He has trusted that _his_ Birnam Wood would not +come to Dunsinane, and yet it comes;--that no man not of woman born is +to cross his path, and lo! the man is here. What then remains for wit or +warrior when all is lost--when the last stake is gone--when no chance of +another can be dreamt of--when the gleaming visions that danced before +their eyes are found to be nothing but mist and mirage? What remains for +them but to die?--And so they do. + +With such feelings, what can Falstaff, after having gone through a life +of adventure, care about the repute of courage or cowardice? To divert +the prince, he engages in a wild enterprise,--nothing more than what +would be called a "lark" now. When deer-stealing ranked as no higher +offence than robbing orchards,--not indeed so high as the taking a slice +off a loaf by a wandering beggar, which some weeks ago has sent the +vagrant who committed the "crime" to seven years' transportation,--such +robberies as those at Gadshill, especially as all parties well knew that +the money taken there was surely to be repaid, as we find it is in the +end,[93] were of a comparatively venial nature. Old father antic, the +Law, had not yet established his undoubted supremacy; and taking purses, +even in the days of Queen Elizabeth, was not absolutely incompatible +with gentility. The breaking up of the great households and families +by the wars of the Roses, the suppression of the monasteries and the +confiscation of church property by Henry VIII, added to are adventurous +spirit generated throughout all Europe by the discovery of America, +had thrown upon the world "men of action," as they called themselves, +without any resources but what lay in their right hands. Younger members +of broken houses, or aspirants for the newly lost honours or the ease of +the cloister, did not well know what to do with themselves. They were +too idle to dig; they were ashamed to beg;--and why not apply at home +the admirable maxim, + + "That they should take who have the power, + And they should keep who can," + +which was acted upon with so much success beyond the sea. The same +causes which broke down the nobility, and crippled the resources of +the church, deprived the retainers of the great baron, and the sharers +of the dole of the monastery, of their accustomed mode of living; and +robbery in these classes was considered the most venial of offences. +To the system of poor laws,--a system worthy of being projected "in +great Eliza's golden time" by the greatest philosopher of that day, +or, with one exception, of any other day,--are we indebted for that +general respect for property which renders the profession of a thief +infamous, and consigns him to the hulks, or the tread-mill, without +compassion. But I must not wander into historical disquisitions; though +no subject would, in its proper place, be more interesting than a minute +speculation upon the gradual working of the poor-law system on English +society. It would form one of the most remarkable chapters in that great +work yet to be written, "The History of the _Lowest_ Order from the +earliest times,"--a work of far more importance, of deeper philosophy, +and more picturesque romance, than all the chronicles of what are called +the great events of the earth. Elsewhere let me talk of this. I must now +get back again to Falstaff. + +"_Fal._ Now Hal, to the news at court: for the robbery, lad? How is that +answered? + +_P. Hen._ My sweet beef, I must Still be good angel to thee. The money +is paid back. + +_Fal._ I do not like That paying back; it is a double labour. + +_P. Hen._ I am good friends with my father, and may do anything. + +_Fal._ Rob me the exchequer, the first thing thou dost; And do't with +unwashed hands too. + +_Bard._ Do, my lord." + +The quiet and business-like manner in which Bardolph enforces on the +heir-apparent his master's reasonable proposition of robbing the +exchequer, is worthy of that plain and straightforward character. I +have always considered it a greater hardship that Bardolph should be +hanged "for pix of little price" by an old companion at Gadshill, than +that Falstaff should have been banished. But Shakspeare wanted to get +rid of the party; and as, in fact, a soldier was hanged in the army of +Henry V. for such a theft, the opportunity was afforded. The king is not +concerned in the order for his execution however, which is left with the +Duke of Exeter. + +I have omitted a word or two from the ordinary editions in the above +quotation, which are useless to the sense and spoil the metre. A careful +consideration of Falstaff's speeches will show that, though they are +sometimes printed as prose, they are in almost all cases metrical. +Indeed, I do not think that there is much prose in any of Shakspeare's +plays. + +His Gadshill adventure was a jest,--a jest, perhaps, repeated after too +many precedents; but still, according to the fashion and the humour of +the time, nothing more than a jest. His own view of such transactions is +recorded; he considers Shallow as a fund of jesting to amuse the prince, +remarking that it is easy to amuse "with a sad brow" (with a solemnity +of appearance) "a fellow that never had the ache in his shoulders." What +was to be accomplished by turning the foolish justice into ridicule, +was also to be done by inducing the true prince to become for a moment +a false thief. The serious face of robbery was assumed "to keep Prince +Harry in perpetual laughter." That, in Falstaff's circumstances, the +money obtained by the night's exploit would be highly acceptable, cannot +be doubted; but the real object was to amuse the prince. He had no idea +of making an exhibition of bravery on such an occasion; Poins well knew +his man when he said beforehand, "As for the third, if he fight longer +than he see reason, I'll forswear arms:" his end was as much obtained +by the prince's jokes upon his cowardice. It was no matter whether +he invented what tended to laughter, or whether it was invented upon +him. The object was won so the laughter was in any manner excited. The +exaggerated tale of the misbegotten knaves in Kendal-green, and his +other lies, gross and mountainous, are told with no other purpose; and +one is almost tempted to believe him when he says that he knew who were +his assailants, and ran for their greater amusement. At all events, it +is evident that he cares nothing on the subject. He offers a jocular +defence; but immediately passes to matter of more importance then the +question of his standing or running: + + But, lads, I'm glad you have the money. Hostess! + Clap to the doors; watch to-night, pray to-morrow. + Gallants, lads, boys, hearts-o'-gold! All the titles of + Good fellowship come to you!"[94] + +The money is had; the means of enjoying it are at hand. Why waste our +time in inquiring how it has been brought here, or permit nonsensical +discussions on my valour or cowardice to delay for a moment the jovial +appearance of the bottle? + +I see no traces of his being a glutton. His roundness of paunch is no +proof of gormandising propensities; in fact, the greatest eaters are +generally thin and spare. When Henry is running over the bead-roll of +his vices, we meet no charge of gluttony urged against him. + + "There is a devil + Haunts thee i' the likeness of a fat old man; + A ton of man is thy companion. + Why dost thou converse with that trunk of humours, + That bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swoln parcel of + Dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed + Cloakbag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox + With the pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, + That grey iniquity, that father ruffian, + That vanity in years? Wherein is he good + But to taste sack, and drink it? Wherein neat + And cleanly, but to carve a capon, and eat it?"[95] + +The sack and sugar Falstaff admits readily; of addiction to the grosser +pleasures of the table neither he nor his accuser says a word. Capon +is light eating; and his neatness in carving gives an impression of +delicacy in the observances of the board. He appears to have been +fond of capon; for it figures in the tavern-bill found in his pockets +as the only eatable beside the stimulant anchovy for supper, and the +halfpenny-worth of bread. Nor does his conversation ever turn upon +gastronomical topics. The bottle supplies an endless succession of +jests; the dish scarcely contributes one. + +We must observe that Falstaff is never represented as drunk, or even +affected by wine. The copious potations of sack do not cloud his +intellect, or embarrass his tongue. He is always self-possessed, and +ready to pour forth his floods of acute wit. In this he forms a contrast +to Sir Toby Belch. The discrimination between these two characters is +very masterly. Both are knights, both convivial, both fond of loose or +jocular society, both somewhat in advance of their youth--there are +many outward points of similitude, and yet they are as distinct as +Prospero and Polonius. The Illyrian knight is of a lower class of mind. +His jests are mischievous; Falstaff never commits a practical joke. Sir +Toby delights in brawling and tumult; Sir John prefers the ease of his +own inn. Sir Toby sings songs, joins in catches, and rejoices in making +a noise; Sir John knows too well his powers of wit and conversation +to think it necessary to make any display, and he hates disturbance. +Sir Toby is easily affected by liquor and roystering; Sir John rises +from the board as cool as when he sate down. The knight of Illyria +had nothing to cloud his mind; he never aspired to higher things than +he has attained; he lives a jolly life in the household of his niece, +feasting, drinking, singing, rioting, playing tricks from one end of +the year to the other: his wishes are gratified, his hopes unblighted. +I have endeavoured to show that Falstaff was the contrary of all this. +And we must remark that the tumultuous Toby has some dash of romance +in him, of which no trace can be found in the English knight. The wit +and grace, the good-humour and good looks of Maria, conquer Toby's +heart, and he is in love with her--love expressed in rough fashion, but +love sincere. Could we see him some dozen years after his marriage, +we should find him sobered down into a respectable, hospitable, and +domestic country gentleman, surrounded by a happy family of curly-headed +Illyrians, and much fonder of his wife than of his bottle. We can never +so consider of Falstaff; he must always be a dweller in clubs and +taverns, a perpetual diner-out at gentlemen's parties, or a frequenter +of haunts where he will not be disturbed by the presence of ladies of +condition or character. In the "Merry Wives of Windsor,"--I may remark, +in passing, that the Falstaff of that play is a different conception +from the Falstaff of Henry IV, and an inferior one,--his love is of a +very practical and unromantic nature. The ladies whom he addresses are +beyond a certain age; and his passion is inspired by his hopes of making +them his East and West Indies,--by their tables and their purses. No; +Falstaff never could have married,--he was better "accommodated than +with a wife." He might have paid his court to old Mistress Ursula, and +sworn to marry her weekly from the time when he perceived the first +white hair on his chin; but the oath was never kept, and we see what was +the motive of his love, when we find him sending her a letter by his +page after he has been refused credit by Master Dombledon, unless he can +offer something better than the rather unmarketable security of himself +and Bardolph. + +We must also observe that he never laughs. Others laugh with him, or at +him; but no laughter from him who occasions or permits it. He jests with +a sad brow. The wit which he profusely scatters about is from the head, +not the heart. Its satire is slight, and never malignant or affronting; +but still it is satirical, and seldom joyous. It is anything but _fun_. +Original genius and long practice have rendered it easy and familiar to +him, and he uses it as a matter of business. He has too much philosophy +to show that he feels himself misplaced; we discover his feelings by +slight indications, which are, however, quite sufficient. I fear that +this conception of the character could never be rendered popular on +the stage; but I have heard in private the part of Falstaff read with +a perfectly grave, solemn, slow, deep, and sonorous voice, touched +occasionally somewhat with the broken tone of age, from beginning to +end, with admirable effect. But I can imagine him painted according to +my idea. He is always caricatured. Not to refer to ordinary drawings, +I remember one executed by the reverend and very clever author of the +"Miseries of Human Life," (an engraving of which, if I do not mistake, +used to hang in Ambrose's parlour in Edinburgh, in the actual room +which was the primary seat of the "Noctes Ambrosianæ,") and the painter +had exerted all his art in making the face seamed with the deep-drawn +wrinkles and lines of a hard drinker and a constant laugher. Now, had +jolly Bacchus + + "Set the trace in his face that a toper will tell," + +should we not have it carefully noted by those who everlastingly joked +upon his appearance? should we not have found his Malmsey nose, his +whelks and bubukles, his exhalations and meteors, as duly described as +those of Bardolph? A laughing countenance he certainly had not. Jests +such as his are not, like Ralph's, "lost, unless you print the face." +The leering wink in the eye introduced into this portraiture is also +wrong, if intended to represent the habitual look of the man. The chief +justice assures us that his eyes were moist like those of other men +of his time of life; and, without his lordship's assurance, we may be +certain that Falstaff seldom played tricks with them. He rises before me +as an elderly and very corpulent gentleman, dressed like other military +men of the time, [of Elizabeth, observe, not Henry,] yellow-cheeked, +white-bearded, double-chinned, with a good-humoured but grave expression +of countenance, sensuality in the lower features of his face, high +intellect in the upper. + +Such is the idea I have formed of Falstaff and perhaps some may think +I am right. It required no ordinary genius to carry such a character +through so great a variety of incidents with so perfect a consistency. +It is not a difficult thing to depict a man corroded by care within, +yet appearing gay and at ease without, if you every moment pull the +machinery to pieces, as children do their toys, to show what is inside. +But the true art is to let the attendant circumstances bespeak the +character, without being obliged to label him: "_Here you may see the +tyrant_;" or, "_Here is the man heavy of heart, light of manner_." Your +ever-melancholy and ostentatiously broken-hearted heroes are felt to be +bores, endurable only on account of the occasional beauty of the poetry +in which they figure. We grow tired of "the gloom the fabled Hebrew +wanderer wore," &c. and sympathise as little with perpetual lamentations +over mental sufferings endured, or said to be endured, by active youth +and manhood, as we should be with its ceaseless complaints of the +physical pain of corns or toothache. The death-bed of Falstaff, told in +the _patois_ of Dame Quickly to her debauched and profligate auditory, +is a thousand times more pathetic to those who have looked upon the +world with reflective eye, than all the morbid mournings of Childe +Harold and his poetical progeny. + +At the table of Shallow, laid in his arbour, Falstaff is compelled by +the eager hospitality of his host to sit, much against his will. The wit +of the court endures the tipsy garrulity of the prattling justice, the +drunken harmonies of Silence, whose tongue is loosed by the sack to +chaunt but-ends of old-fashioned ballads, the bustling awkwardness of +Davy, and the long-known ale-house style of conversation of Bardolph, +without uttering a word except some few phrases of common-place +courtesy. He feels that he is in mind and thought far above his company. +Was that the only company in which the same accident had befallen him? +Certainly not; it had befallen him in many a mansion more honoured +than that of Shallow, and amid society loftier in name and prouder +in place. His talent, and the use to which he had turned it, had as +completely disjoined him in heart from those among whom he mixed, or +might have mixed, as it did from the pippin-and-caraway-eating party +in Gloucestershire. The members of his court are about him, but not of +him; they are all intended for use. From Shallow he borrows a thousand +pounds; and, as the justice cannot appreciate his wit, he wastes it not +upon him, but uses other methods of ingratiating himself. Henry delights +in his conversation and manner, and therefore all his fascinations are +exerted to win the favour of one from whom so many advantages might +be expected. He lives in the world alone and apart, so far as true +community of thought with others is concerned; and his main business in +life is to get through the day. That--the day--is his real enemy; he +rises to fight it in the morning; he gets through its various dangers +as well as he can; some difficulties he meets, some he avoids; he shuns +those who ask him for money, seeks those from whom he may obtain it; +lounges here, bustles there; talks, drinks, jokes, schemes; and at +last his foe is slain, when light and its troubles depart. "The day is +gone--the night's our own." Courageously has he put an end to one of the +three hundred and sixty-five tormentors which he has yearly to endure; +and to-morrow--why--as was to-day, so to-morrow shall be. At all events +I shall not leave the sweet of the night unpicked, to think anything +more about it. Bring me a cup of sack! Let us be merry! Does he ever +think of what were his hopes and prospects at the time, when was + + "Jack Falstaff, now Sir John, a boy, + And page to Thomas Mowbray, duke of Norfolk?" + +Perhaps!----but he chases away the intrusive reflection by another cup +of sack and a fresh sally of humour. + +Dryden maintained that Shakspeare killed Mercutio, because, if he had +not, Mercutio would have killed him. In spite of the authority of + + "All those prefaces of Dryden, + For these our critics much confide in," + +Glorious John is here mistaken. Mercutio is killed precisely in the part +of the drama where his death is requisite. Not an incident, scarcely a +sentence, in this most skilfully managed play of Romeo and Juliet, can +be omitted or misplaced. But I do think that Shakspeare was unwilling to +hazard the reputation of Falstaff by producing him again in connexion +with his old companion, Hal, on the stage. The dancer in the epilogue +of the Second Part of Henry IV. promises the audience, that "if you be +not too much cloyed with fat meat, our humble author will continue the +story, with Sir John in it, and make you merry with fair Katharine of +France; where, for any thing I know, Falstaff shall die of a sweat, +unless already he be killed with your hard opinions."[96] The audience +was not cloyed with fat meat, Sir John was not killed with their hard +opinions; he was popular from the first hour of his appearance: but +Shakspeare never kept his word. It was the dramatist, not the public, +who killed his hero in the opening scenes of Henry V; for he knew not +how to interlace him with the story of Agincourt. There Henry was to be +lord of all; and it was matter of necessity that his old master should +disappear from the scene. He parted therefore even just between twelve +and one, e'en at turning of the tide, and we shall never see him again +until the waters of some Avon, here or elsewhere,--it is a good Celtic +name for rivers in general,--shall once more bathe the limbs of the +like of him who was laid for his last earthly sleep under a gravestone +bearing a disregarded inscription, on the north side of the chancel in +the great church at Stratford. + W. M. +[92] He is once called so by Westmoreland, + Second Part of Henry IV. Act iv. Sc. 1. + +[93] Henry IV. Part 1. Act iii. Sc. 3. + +[94] These passages also are printed as prose: I have not altered a + single letter, and the reader will see not only that they are + dramatical blank-verse, but dramatical blank-verse of a very + excellent kind. After all the editions of Shakspeare, another + is sadly wanted. The text throughout requires a searching + critical revision. + +[95] See Footnote 94 above. + +[96] I consider this epilogue to be in blank-verse,-- + + "First my fear, then my courtesy, then my speech," &c. + + but some slight alterations should be made: the transposition of a + couple of words will make the passage here quoted metrical. + + "One word more I beseech you. If you be not Too much cloyed with fat + meat, our humble author _The story will continue_ with Sir John in't, + And make you merry with fair _Kate_ of France. Where (For any thing I + know) Falstaff shall die of A sweat, unless already he be killed with + Your hard opinions; Oldcastle died a martyr, And this is not the man. + My tongue is weary, when my legs are too, I'll bid you good-night; and + kneel down before you, But indeed to pray for the queen." + + + + + EPIGRAM + + 'Twas thought that all who dined on hare, + For seven days after, grew most fair: + Fanny, it seems, this tale believed, + When I from her a hare received: + But if the tale be true, odsfish! + Fanny has never tried the dish. + + + + + A STEAM TRIP TO HAMBURG. + +The world is about equally divided into two parts; viz. the first and +most unfortunate part, who have made trips by steam; and the other, +whose ill-luck is to come, and who have not yet been subject to the +"vapours." Both of these divisions of society will be equally interested +in my narration; one will see a faithful delineation of what they have +already suffered, and the other will be enabled clearly to apprehend +what, when their time comes, they will have to undergo. Not that I wish +to deter anybody from such undertakings, inasmuch as there will be a +degree of naval heroism in anybody who ventures his person after he has +become fully aware of his necessary calamities. I need not say that this +will give him a high station in society, and that, if he announces in a +tolerably loud voice at a dinner-table that he has made a long trip by +steam, more than one eye-glass will be devoted to a survey of him. This +is no mean advantage, and not to be lightly lost. + +Before I state what happened to me in particular, I just wish to say +half-a-dozen words about the sea in general. The sea has been described +by a great natural historian as + + "The sea! the sea! + The bright and open sea!" + +Now, I differ from this description altogether. The sea is undoubtedly +"_the_ sea,"--there's no denying that; but that it at all comes up +to the jaunty _débonnaire_ character indicated by the rest of the +description, I absolutely traverse. In my mind it is a boisterous +"dissolute companion," whose bad example corrupts the most respectable +characters. Only see how our gentlemanlike, quiet old friend, Father +Thames, forgets himself when he falls into bad company. Gentlemen from +Shad Thames and the Barbican, who have been to Margate, know very well +what his conduct is. Instead of moving quietly along, as he has done all +the way from Lechlade in Gloucestershire, no sooner does he get within +hearing of the noise his bad acquaintance is making, than it seems as if +Old Nick possessed him. He begins splashing, and dashing, and foaming +about, just as if he had never seen a weeping willow or the Monument in +his life; and exchanges his white-bait for porpoises, and his stately +swans for cantankerous sea-gulls, whose pleasure seems to increase in +proportion to the tumult. And, not contented with his own misconduct, he +involves all the gentle company he has brought with him in the common +disorder: there is the Loddon tossing about as if it had been a cataract +all its life; the Mole seems to forget all about Mickleham Valley, and +how quietly it has been accustomed to behave there; and the Kennet +and Avon, which have come all the way from the Wiltshire Downs, where +they were born in stillness among the Druids, take just as much upon +them, and are as noisy, as if they had derived their parentage from a +well-frequented metropolitan pump. No more need be said to prove the +audacious character of this "agitator," whose inflammatory conduct makes +everybody that comes in contact with him, as bad as himself. I should +not have said so much about it, but I want to put down the sea, which, +owing to gross misstatements and vile flattery, has acquired a credit +and notoriety which it does not deserve; and this ought to be stopped, +as it misleads people. + +Having made up my mind to go to Hamburg, I bade adieu to my fond +friends; and, having settled my London affairs, I prepared to go, and +went. + +At twelve P.M. on the night of Tuesday, August 13, 1836, it was my +unhappy lot to emerge from hackney-coach No. 369, the number of which I +had taken, knowing the state of my mind, for the better preservation of +my valuables; fearing that, in my dread of approaching evils, I might +forget either my valued trunk or my respected hat-box. Having emerged, +my next act was, to ejaculate in as sonorous a voice as my flabby +energies permitted, "Boat a-hoy!" + +This cry brought to me a waterman of an "ancient and fish-like" +appearance, who, for the filthy lucre of gain, agreed to transport my +person and packages on board the Steam Navigation Company's steam ship, +Britannia, carrying his majesty's mails, "warranted to perform the +journey in fifty hours;" with a steward on board, and numerous other +enticing particulars duly set forth in the bill of her performances. For +all these advantages, the Steam Navigation Company expected no greater +return than five pounds lawful money of Great Britain,--an expectation +which I satisfied to the proper extent, and considered myself very +fortunate. + +Probably feeling much embarrassed by my gratitude on this occasion, +I must have betrayed some little passing emotion on ascending the +side of the vessel; as the naval person who offered me his hand as an +assistance, took occasion to observe, "Never mind, sir; you'll soon +be all right." Scarcely feeling entire confidence in this gentleman's +statement, I entered the "splendid saloon," on the tables of which +were the remains of certain spirituous liquors; faint and distant +traces of which, ascending from below, enabled me to attribute their +consumption to the various gentlemen there deposited, who were to be my +fellow-passengers. "Below" is a very nasty, unpleasant, underground word +of itself; but when it is coupled with the vile concomitants which a sea +"below" embraces, it is still more distasteful. + +Diving down the stairs with the sad impression that I had taken my +last farewell of the upper world, I found my way to No. 14, which was +the number of the "berth" in which I was to bestow, and did bestow +accordingly, myself and luggage. + +Before getting into bed, I thought I would see who and what the victims +were, who were to be offered up on a common altar with myself. + +I could, however, see nobody, as the curtains were all closed; and, +therefore, trusting to the chance of finding somebody awake, I hazarded +the general inquiry of "I beg your pardon, sir; did you speak?" There +was, however, no reply; but certain of them snored lustily, and one, +more portly than his fellows, puffed withal as though he were a grampus. +Feeling I had made a vain attempt at opening a communication with my +neighbours, I was obliged to undress myself, and get into bed with the +unsatisfactory feeling that I might be drowned in company with twelve or +fourteen individuals without even knowing their names. + +And here allow me to observe that different people appear to have taken +various views of the meaning of the term "bed," taken as a simple term. +One gentleman apprehends it to mean a four-posted, ample convenience, +provided with downy cushions and suitable appurtenances, wherein he may +roll himself about, at pleasure, and enjoy all recumbent attitudes with +freedom. Another, with less luxurious views, erects a dormitory with a +circular roof, of smaller size, and less accommodations and comforts; +and this, under the Christian name of "tent," is his "bed." There are +also other sorts of beds, each differing from the others in comfort and +appearance, in various degrees. + +Most of these are extremely consistent with the personal comfort of +the individual adopting them; but the "bed-maker" of the crib which +I now occupied, had departed widely from all these well-approved and +convenient plans, and conceived the comforts of a bed to consist in +the following items:--one narrow, short trough of deal or oak plank, +as may be; one mattress of half the same size, stuffed tightly with an +unelastic, unyielding substance called "flock;" one oblong pillow of +the same material and consistency; two blankets rather shorter than the +mattress; two sheets rather shorter than the blankets; one counterpane +rather shorter than the sheets; each declining in a sort of gradual +progression, so that, if there had been fifty of them the last would +have ended in a piece of tape, or a penny riband. + +Making myself into as small, and the clothes into as large a heap as I +could, just as one does with one's foot in a tight boot, I tranquilly +awaited our departure, which was announced as punctually at two A.M. + +I must do them the justice to say that there never was an execution +conducted more punctually to the moment for which it had been promised. +As the clock struck two, a clanking of chains, which sounded just as if +they were knocking off my fetters in another prison for the last time, +and a continued shouting and tramping overhead, announced that they +were weighing "the anchor." If it were half as heavy as my heart, how +it must have fatigued them! We could hear--or rather I could hear (for +it did not seem to wake the snorers or him who puffed)--all the din and +hallooing above, just as well as if we had been on deck. Somebody kept +swearing at somebody else, which somebody else seemed to take in very +bad part, as I heard him say, "I arn't a going to put up with no gammon +from a feller like you, as doesn't know an umbreller from a spring +ini'n." + +I didn't exactly believe that there could be anybody in these +march-of-intellect days, incapable of distinguishing an umbrella from a +spring onion, and therefore I felt this to be most unjustifiable abuse, +whomsoever it was addressed to; but it was no business of mine, and I +didn't care how much they abused each other, if they had only done it in +a lower tone of voice, so as not to disturb me. + +When the "tumult dwindled to a calm," a splash and a hiss, accompanied +by the moving of the vessel, gave me intelligence that we were "off." As +we dropped down the river, memory recalled the peaceful recreation of +dining at Blackwall on white-bait; while certain matters which occurred +at a Greenwich fair, stared me accusingly in the face. + +Amid these reflections I fell into an uneasy slumber, which lasted till +six, broken at intervals by various thumps on the deck, which seemed +directed immediately at my head below. In the morning "the pie was +opened, and the birds began to sing;" that is to say, my companions +began to draw their dingy little curtains back, and gradually to unfold +themselves. I found we consisted of fourteen souls and bodies,--ten +Germans, and four of the same free and enlightened nation of which I +have the honour to be a component part. + +We chatted till about seven; and then one got up, and another got up, +and, lastly, I myself got up and dressed; not, however, without a +feeling that I had better have left well alone. When I got up on deck, I +asked a sailor, "How's the wind?"--"Dead agin yer," was the satisfactory +reply. I wasn't surprised. + +While I dressed, I paid due attention to a request posted up over the +washing-stands, "That gentlemen should refrain from throwing their +shaving-paper into their basins, as it stopped up the pipes, and +_increased_ the smell of the cabins." This of itself seemed a tacit +acknowledgement of the existence of a very agreeable concomitant to our +comforts,--as you can hardly _increase_ a thing which did not previously +exist; indeed there was no doubt about that, without any notice. + +When we had all got up stairs by different instalments, after pacing +the decks a little, we received a summons to breakfast. I endeavoured +to sham an appetite, but it was no go; so I ate sparingly, being most +distrustful of the future. + +"Waiter!" cried one of the English,--a short, stout gentleman, in a +dressing-gown,--"bring up the parcel in front of my berth." + +"Sart'nly, sir!" replied the smart handman. + +Up came the parcel; and, as I had heard the demand, I had the curiosity +to see what came of it. The parcel turned out to be a nice brown-bread +loaf, off which the owner cut a small slice, and carefully put it on a +plate by his side. His neighbour on the other side then began talking to +him, which diverted his attention from the loaf. His other neighbour, +who had not seen where it came from, wanting some bread, and finding it +at his elbow, helped himself; and a man, a little lower down, said, + +"May I trouble you for the bread?" + +"With pleasure, sir;" and another slice went, and so on, till the last +remnant came round to the man who sat opposite the rightful owner, who +was talking away still, with his friend, as if they had been settling +the tithe question. He took the bit left, and began devouring it; and a +pause having taken place in the conversation opposite, he said to the +loaf-proprietor, + +"For myself, I like brown bread just as well as white; what do you say?" + +"Why, _I_ prefer it; and, not knowing that we should get it on board, I +took the precaution of bringing a loaf with me, big enough to last me +all the----" + +As he spoke, he turned to illustrate his remark by showing the size of +his loaf, when, to his dismay, he found nothing but the empty plate. +I never shall forget his face. He first of all turned to the man who +had addressed him, and into whose capacious mouth the last morsel was +vanishing: + +"Confound it, sir! that's my bread you're eating!" + +Then to his next neighbour on his right: + +"Was it you who took my loaf, sir?" + +"Your loaf, sir? Who are you?" + +"Yes, sir! I repeat, my loaf; my brown loaf." + +"I certainly took a loaf, sir, and a brown loaf, which stood next to me; +but whether it was yours or not I can't say; and I believe everybody +else took it too!" + +"Why, then it's gone!" It was. + +Breakfast being over, we had but little to do, and nothing to divert our +thoughts from our mournful position. I went fidgeting about, asking how +the weather was. The answers were delightful. The wind was so violent +and adverse that the captain thought it useless to go out to sea, and +therefore intended to "bring up"--ominous term!--in Owesly Bay, near +Harwich. The rain drove me into the "splendid saloon," which I would +have bartered for a cellar in Fetterlane; and, after half an hour's +doubt and wonder whether I was going round the world, or the world round +me, I felt it not only prudent, but necessary, to seek greater privacy; +and, after much sorrow and tempest of spirit, I got into my comfortable +bed. + +The captain was as good, or rather as bad, as his word. He "brought up" +in Owesly Bay, and I will say no more than that the force of example was +astonishing. How long we waited about in that sad bay, I cannot exactly +say, as I had become insensible to the nice distinction between tossing +up and down, and pitching and rolling at anchor, or going on. It was +enough, and too much for me, that we _did_ toss up and down, and pitch +and roll. + +So ended Wednesday the 14th. We were intended to arrive at Hamburg at +two o'clock on Friday morning; but the adverse wind, and bringing up, +seemed to throw a doubt over this. + +Still it was not impossible, if the wind abated. Thursday morning was +ushered in by numerous inquiries as to where we were. We were more than +gratified by being told "Much where we were last night." This was told +to me, who felt that I had signed a lease for my life, extending only to +Friday, at two A.M., as the longest possible time I could hold out; and +that after that time the lease would be up, and I should be ejected from +my mortal tenement. + +The Germans who were on board ate and drank heartily, and wanted me +to get up and shave. I thought that the chance of being drowned was +enough, without the certainty of cutting my throat from ear to ear, +which I should inevitably have done if I had attempted to use a razor in +the state of the vessel's movements. They endeavoured to get me up, by +touching my national pride. + +"What! an Englishman afraid?" said they. + +"No," answered I; "but very sick." + +Thursday heard many groans, and, if it had eyes, might have seen many +strange sights. + +Friday morning, two A.M.--the promised period of our arrival at the +haven of our hopes--found us still wide at sea; and it was not till +Friday evening that we heard the news that we were off the mouth of the +Texel, one hundred miles from the Elbe, which was our destination. We +were then in that sort of reckless state that we regarded distance as +nothing,--one hundred miles seemed to me, much the same as one thousand; +and I opened and shut my mouth in the agonies of despair, and something +worse. + +All this time I had continued in bed, eating what they brought me, not +from any relish or appetite, but on the principle that if you are in +a den with a roaring lion, and have a leg of mutton to give him, it is +prudent to do so; and there was in my den with me an intolerant and +savage spirit, which treated me exceedingly ill when I gave it nothing +to wreak its fury upon, and showed but little gratitude when I did, +either declining the proffered gifts, or only receiving them to render +me more dejected by a speedy and contemptuous return. + +Saturday morning early, we heard, with as much joy, and with as much +interest as we could feel in anything, that we should soon be in the +Elbe, and in tolerably smooth water. What ideas these sailors have of +smooth water! I wonder if they ever look in a washing-basin? + +As I lay waiting for the smooth water, I could not help anathematising +those deceitful vagabonds, the poets, who write very pretty and pleasing +lines about a tender affair they call a zephyr, and describe it as +"softly sighing on a summer's eve," "lightly dancing on the moonlit +lake," "mildly breaking over the bending corn," and a variety of +agreeable and amiable habits. But these worthy gentlemen, who write in +a comfortable arm-chair, little know the change which takes place in +their sighing friend when a dozen or two of them club together to make a +gale of wind for an afternoon's amusement. I wish I had had a score of +these same poets on board,--the world would never have heard anything +from them again about "bending corn!" A zephyr bears about the some +proportion to a gale of wind as a Vauxhall slice of ham does to the +"whole hog." However, all evils have an end, and ours began to conclude +a little; for certainly I seemed to get a little better, and was well +enough when we passed Heligoland--which is an island in the possession +of his most gracious majesty, whom Heaven long preserve!--to sing +lustily, and like a true Briton as I am, + + "Send him victorious, + Happy and glorious, + Long to reign over us, + God save the king!" + +I then dressed myself, the water being still too rough to allow me to +do anything but cut my throat with my razor; and went on deck, where I +soon afterwards enjoyed the sight of green fields, and the villas which +ornament the banks of the Elbe, with a most satisfactory view of Hamburg +at no great distance. + +And, now that I have brought myself to dry land, do I make a vow never +again to make a long sea-voyage,--always excepting "leaving my country +for my country's good," which may happen; but the Britannia, if she +chooses "to rule the waves," never shall have me as an accomplice again, +though + + "The bark be stoutly timber'd, and the pilot + Of very perfect and approv'd allowance." + + + + + STRAY CHAPTERS. + BY "BOZ." + + + CHAPTER II. + SOME PARTICULARS CONCERNING A LION. + +We have a great respect for lions in the abstract. In common with +most other people, we have heard and read of many instances of their +bravery and generosity. We have duly admired that heroic self-denial and +charming philanthropy, which prompts them never to eat people except +when they are hungry, and we have been deeply impressed with a becoming +sense of the politeness they are said to display towards unmarried +ladies of a certain state. All natural histories teem with anecdotes +illustrative of their excellent qualities; and one old spelling-book in +particular recounts a touching instance of an old lion of high moral +dignity and stern principle, who felt it his imperative duty to devour a +young man who had contracted a habit of swearing, as a striking example +to the rising generation. + +All this is extremely pleasant to reflect upon, and indeed says a very +great deal in favour of lions as a mass. We are bound to state, however, +that such individual lions as we have happened to fall in with, have not +put forth any very striking characteristics, and have not acted up to +the chivalrous character assigned them by their chroniclers. We never +saw a lion in what is called his natural state, certainly; that is to +say, we have never met a lion out walking in a forest, or crouching in +his lair under a tropical sun waiting till his dinner should happen to +come by, hot from the baker's. But we have seen some under the influence +of captivity and the pressure of misfortune; and we must say that they +appeared to us very apathetic, heavy-headed fellows. + +The lion at the Zoological Gardens, for instance. He is all very well; +he has an undeniable mane, and looks very fierce; but, Lord bless us! +what of that? The lions of the fashionable world look just as ferocious, +and are the most harmless creatures breathing. A box-lobby lion or +a Regent-street animal will put on a most terrible aspect, and roar +fearfully, if you affront him; but he will never bite, and, if you offer +to attack him manfully, will fairly turn tail and sneak off. Doubtless +these creatures roam about sometimes in herds, and, if they meet any +especially meek-looking and peaceably-disposed fellow, will endeavour +to frighten him; but the faintest show of a vigorous resistance is +sufficient to scare them even then. These are pleasant characteristics, +whereas we make it matter of distinct charge against the Zoological lion +and his brethren at the fairs, that they are sleepy, dreamy, sluggish +quadrupeds. + +We do not remember to have ever seen one of them perfectly awake, except +at feeding-time. In every respect we uphold the biped lions against +their four-footed namesakes, and we boldly challenge controversy upon +the subject. + +With these opinions it may be easily imagined that our curiosity and +interest were very much excited the other day, when a lady of our +acquaintance called on us and resolutely declined to accept our refusal +of her invitation to an evening party; "for," said she, "I have got a +lion coming." We at once retracted our plea of a prior engagement, and +became as anxious to go, as we had previously been to stay away. + +We went early and posted ourself in an eligible part of the +drawing-room, from whence we could hope to obtain a full view of the +interesting animal. Two or three hours passed, the quadrilles began, +the room filled; but no lion appeared. The lady of the house became +inconsolable,--for it is one of the peculiar privileges of these lions +to make solemn appointments and never keep them,--when all of a sudden +there came a tremendous double rap at the street-door, and the master +of the house, after gliding out (unobserved as he flattered himself) to +peep over the banisters, came into the room, rubbing his hands together +with great glee, and cried out in a very important voice, "My dear, +Mr. ---- (naming the lion) has this moment arrived." + +Upon this, all eyes were turned towards the door, and we observed +several young ladies, who had been laughing and conversing previously +with great gaiety and good-humour, grow extremely quiet and sentimental; +while some young gentlemen, who had been cutting great figures in +the facetious and smalltalk way, suddenly sank very obviously in the +estimation of the company, and were looked upon with great coldness +and indifference. Even the young man who had been ordered from the +music-shop to play the pianoforte, was visibly affected, and struck +several false notes in the excess of his excitement. + +All this time there was a great talking outside, more than once +accompanied by a loud laugh, and a cry of "Oh, capital! excellent!" +from which we inferred that the lion was jocose, and that these +exclamations were occasioned by the transports of his keeper and our +host. Nor were we deceived; for when the lion at last appeared, we +overheard his keeper, who was a little prim man, whisper to several +gentlemen of his acquaintance, with uplifted hands and every expression +of half-suppressed admiration, that ---- (naming the lion again) was in +_such_ cue to-night! + +The lion was a literary one: of course there were a vast number of +people present, who had admired his roarings, and were anxious to be +introduced to him; and very pleasant it was to see them brought up for +the purpose, and to observe the patient dignity with which he received +all their patting and caressing. This brought forcibly to our mind what +we had so often witnessed at country fairs, where the other lions are +compelled to go through as many forms of courtesy as they chance to be +acquainted with, just as often as admiring parties happen to drop in +upon them. + +While the lion was exhibiting in this way, his keeper was not idle, for +he mingled among the crowd, and spread his praises most industriously. +To one gentleman he whispered some very choice thing that the noble +animal had said in the very act of coming up stairs, which, of course, +rendered the mental effort still more astonishing; to another he +murmured a hasty account of a grand dinner that had taken place the +day before, where twenty-seven gentlemen had got up all at once to +demand an extra cheer for the lion; and to the ladies he made sundry +promises of interceding to procure the majestic brute's sign-manual +for their albums. Then, there were little private consultations in +different corners, relative to the personal appearance and stature of +the lion; whether he was shorter than they had expected to see him, or +taller, or thinner, or fatter, or younger, or older; whether he was +like his portrait or unlike it; and whether the particular shade of his +eyes was black, or blue, or hazel, or green, or yellow, or mixture. +At all these consultations the keeper assisted; and, in short, the +lion was the sole and single subject of discussion till they sat him +down to whist, and then the people relapsed into their old topics of +conversation--themselves and each other. + +We must confess that we looked forward with no slight impatience to +the announcement of supper; for if you wish to see a tame lion under +particularly favourable circumstances, feeding-time is the period of all +others to pitch upon. We were therefore very much delighted to observe +a sensation among the guests, which we well knew how to interpret, +and immediately afterwards to behold the lion escorting the lady of +the house down stairs. We offered our arm to an elderly female of our +acquaintance, who--dear old soul!--is the very best person that ever +lived, to lead down to any meal; for, be the room ever so small or the +party ever so large, she is sure, by some intuitive perception of the +eligible, to push and pull herself and conductor close to the best +dishes on the table;--we say we offered our arm to this elderly female, +and, descending the stairs shortly after the lion, were fortunate enough +to obtain a seat nearly opposite him. + +Of course the keeper was there already. He had planted himself at +precisely that distance from his charge which afforded him a decent +pretext for raising his voice, when he addressed him, to so loud a key +as could not fail to attract the attention of the whole company, and +immediately began to apply himself seriously to the task of bringing the +lion out, and putting him through the whole of his manoeuvres. Such +flashes of wit as he elicited from the lion! First of all they began +to make puns upon a salt-cellar, and then upon the breast of a fowl, +and then upon the trifle; but the best jokes of all were decidedly on +the lobster-salad, upon which latter subject the lion came out most +vigorously, and, in the opinion of the most competent authorities, +quite outshone himself. This is a very excellent mode of shining in +society, and is founded, we humbly conceive, upon the classic model of +the dialogues between Mr. Punch and his friend the proprietor, wherein +the latter takes all the up-hill work, and is content to pioneer to the +jokes and repartees of Mr. P. himself, who never fails to gain great +credit and excite much laughter thereby. Whatever it be founded on, +however, we recommend it to all lions, present and to come; for in this +instance it succeeded to admiration, and perfectly dazzled the whole +body of hearers. + +When the salt-cellar, and the fowl's breast, and the trifle, and the +lobster-salad were all exhausted, and could not afford standing-room for +another solitary witticism, the keeper performed that very dangerous +feat which is still done with some of the caravan lions, although in +one instance it terminated fatally, of putting his head in the animal's +mouth, and placing himself entirely at its mercy. Boswell frequently +presents a melancholy instance of the lamentable results of this +achievement, and other keepers and jackals have been terribly lacerated +for their daring. It is due to our lion to state, that he condescended +to be trifled with, in the most gentle manner, and finally went home +with the showman in a hack cab: perfectly peaceable, but slightly +fuddled. + +Being in a contemplative mood, we were led to make some reflections upon +the character and conduct of this genus of lions as we walked homewards, +and we were not long in arriving at the conclusion that our former +impression in their favour was very much strengthened and confirmed by +what we had recently seen. While the other lions receive company and +compliments in a sullen, moody, not to say snarling manner, these appear +flattered by the attentions that are paid them; while those conceal +themselves to the utmost of their power from the vulgar gaze, these +court the popular eye, and, unlike their brethren, whom nothing short +of compulsion will move to exertion, are ever ready to display their +acquirements to the wondering throng. We have known bears of undoubted +ability who, when the expectations of a large audience have been wound +up to the utmost pitch, have peremptorily refused to dance; well-taught +monkeys, who have unaccountably objected to exhibit on the slack-wire; +and elephants of unquestioned genius, who have suddenly declined to +turn the barrel-organ: but we never once knew or heard of a biped lion, +literary or otherwise,--and we state it as a fact which is highly +creditable to the whole species,--who, occasion offering, did not seize +with avidity on any opportunity which was afforded him, of performing to +his heart's content on the first violin. + + + + + THE LEGEND OF BOHIS HEAD. + +One of the most south-western points of Ireland is the promontory of +Bohis, which forms the northern shore of the bay of Balinskeligs. A +singular conformation of rock is observable upon the extremity of the +wild cape, it being worn by the incessant beating of the billows into a +grotesque resemblance of the human profile. The waves, however, are not +suffered to claim undisputed this rude sculpture as their own; a far +different origin being attributed to it by the legends of the country +around. The following is the legend, as told to us. + +In times long, very long ago,--prior even to that early age when +Milesius came over from Spain, to plant in Ireland the prolific tribes +of the _O_'s and the _Mac_'s,--Bohis Head, instead of the abrupt, broken +cliffs that now terminate it, presented a lofty and uniform wall of +rock to the assaults of the Atlantic. Upon the topmost summit (much +about where now stand the unfinished walls of one of those desirable +winter-residences, the coast watch-towers, built at _the end_ of the +last war,) there stood, at the period of our tale, the castle of a very +celebrated personage, generally known in those parts as the Baon Ri +Dhuv,--in plain English, "The Black Lady,"--a title partly bestowed on +her, on account of her dark hair and face, and partly on account of the +cruelty and tyranny which she exercised upon all those who were subject +to her dominion. She must have been redoubtable in no small degree, as, +besides the possession of a large army, which she could at any time +collect from her numerous array of vassals, she was a deep proficient +in the art of magic, and was even said to have once, by the potency of +her spells, prevented a drop of rain from falling upon her territories +(which included the whole of Munster) for a week together. But as the +south of Ireland at least has never since been known to be so long +without showers, this feat is not so implicitly believed as other of the +traditions about her. However that may be, this at least is certain, +that she wanted for nothing that force or fraud, fair means or means the +most unholy, could give her; and she was deemed the happiest as well as +the most powerful being in the world. + +Those who said this, did not judge truly. In the midst of all her +splendour and state, caressed, feared, flattered, obeyed as she was +by all, she was not happy; and it is strange that her tenants and +servants did not find this out, as her usual method of easing her +feelings was by ill-treating and abusing them. But they were, in all +probability, too much afraid of her to call even their thoughts their +own, for fear of being metamorphosed into goats, or cows, or some other +species of beasts; a change of life which, from the scanty grazing of +the neighbouring mountain pastures, they did not deem very inviting. +She was _not_ happy; and simply because, among her myriad of vassals, +flatterers, and slaves, she had not one _friend_. There was the whole +secret. In her inmost soul she--that proud, tyrannical, haughty, +hard-hearted woman--felt that, all feared and all potent as she was, she +still was no more than mortal; and that within her own breast there was +that which tyrannised over herself,--the innate longings of our nature +for sympathy, for companionship, for affection. The humblest hind that +served her, had a comrade,--a friend; while she, the queen and mistress +of all, was the object of detestation as universal as the slavish +obedience that met her at every step. At first she scoffed and spurned +at the dull internal aching; it was a weakness, she thought, that needed +but to be fought against, to be for ever quelled. She sought wars and +conflicts; she dived deeper than ever before into the unholy mysteries +of the "Black Art;" she revelled, she feasted, and she succeeded in +quelling the rebel feeling for a time,--but only for a time. There came +a reaction to her excitement; and, while her spirits and all else seemed +exhausted and worn out, this dull yearning was stronger and more aching +than ever. At length, one day, after a long and painful reverie, she +started up, striking her forehead violently, and vowed that she would +have a friend,--a companion,--nay, even (as her sentimentality increased +with indulgence) a _husband_,--or perish in the attempt! As the oath +passed her lips, a tremendous peal of thunder rolled over the castle +towers and passed off to seaward, dying away in the distance with a +sound not unlike a wild and prolonged shout of laughter. + +She had not much time to lose, if she intended to marry. The little +servant-boy, who had been allowed to get drunk on the night of +rejoicings for her birth, was now a grave and sedate major-domo of +most venerable age. She herself, but some fifteen or sixteen years his +junior, was long past the time when the grossest flattery could make +her believe that she was young; and her years had not passed over her +head without leaving their traces behind. She had been in her best days +what is called by friends "rather plain," which generally means "very +ugly." Her forehead bowed out and overhung her nose, which endeavoured +to stretch out to some decent length, but was unfortunately foiled by +the want of a bridge. The mouth, as if it perceived this failure on +the part of the feature immediately above it, modestly declined the +contest, and retreated far inward. The chin, however, amply made up for +all intermediate deficiencies, and even surpassed the forehead in the +hugeness of its proportions, or _dis_proportions. Her hair was black, +as has been said, and hung in long, lanky clusters about her face. Time +seldom improves the human countenance, and certainly made no exception +in favour of the Baon Ri Dhuv. At the time of her vow many wrinkles had +made their appearance, and unequivocal grey hairs chequered the once +uniform sable that covered her head. Magic had not then arrived at the +pitch of perfection to which it afterwards attained in the times of +Virgilius and Apollonius Rhodius; and, among the inventions yet in the +womb of time, were the charms for restoring youth and imparting beauty. + +The lady of the castle set off, one fine morning, on the back of a +cloud which she had hailed as it was drifting over her chimney-tops, +driven inland by the fresh breeze from the ocean. As she was borne +along, she looked anxiously right and left down upon the earth, to +spy out, if possible, the desired companion. But she found she had +grown very fastidious, now that the means of ridding herself of her +troublesome desires appeared open to her. She looked at no women; she +felt instinctively that none of her own sex could be the friend that +would satisfy her heart: but all the young men that she passed over, +she scrutinized, as if her life depended upon it. They in their turn +stared a good deal at her, as well they might; for it was no common +thing, even in those days, to see a woman perched up on a cloud, sailing +over your head before a rattling breeze of wind. Perhaps it was their +staring at her, so different from the downcast eyes and humble mien of +her slaves at home,--perhaps it was their rude remarks that displeased +her; whatever it was, on she went without making her choice, until +towards the close of the day she found she had nearly crossed Ireland +in a diagonal line from south-west to north-east, the wind blowing in +that direction. As it still blew merrily, and it was full-moon night, +she determined to go on to Scotland, and try whether Sawnie could +please her, better then Paddy. With this resolve she had not proceeded +more than half a league from the shore of Ireland, when she perceived +she was going over a mountain-islet some five or six miles in girth, +and apparently very fertile in its soil, for large herds of cattle +were grazing upon its sides. It is a trite and true saying, that those +who possess much, are often covetous of more; and in her case it was +especially true. With a word she stayed the cloud over the island; the +wind falling all at once, in obedience to her will. If there were any +of the old Vikingir, those daring privateersmen of ancient times, that +night upon the waters, how they and their fierce crews must have heaped +maledictions on the unseen power that quelled the merry breeze before +which they were late careering gaily with bended mast and bellying sail, +and summoned them to ply the labouring oar throughout the hours they had +vainly hoped to give to slumber! But the Black Lady was not a person to +care much for such trifles as curses. If she had been so, she would have +led an extremely uncomfortable life, for she had merited a good many of +them in her time. Over the island she hung, gazing down upon it, and +gloating on its richness and fertility, while she inwardly resolved to +strain her magical powers to the utmost, to transfer it from its present +position to the neighbourhood of her own coast. Her attention, however, +was soon withdrawn from all other objects, and concentrated on one that +had just caught her eye: it was a young man, the only one she had as yet +seen who did not stare up at her, rudely and impertinently. Indeed he +did not look up at all. He seemed to have no eyes, no soul, for any one +but a young girl who was by his side. The lady on the cloud could see by +the moonlight that the girl's face was exceedingly beautiful; that is +to say, as much as could be perceived of it when she occasionally, and +but for a moment, raised her eyes from the ground, on which they were +riveted. + +"Speak! will you not speak to me?" were the words of the young man: "but +one word, Eva,--dearest Eva,--to tell me have I offended by my boldness?" + +The girl blushed ten times deeper than before, and her lips quivered as +at length she slowly murmured out, "No, Conla!" + +"Thanks! thanks!" was his rapturous exclamation; "a thousand times +thanks, my own, my ... Hallo! what is this? Whence come you?" These +latter words were addressed to the Black Lady, as, to his utter +astonishment, she alighted from the cloud right in his path. Eva +shrieked, and hid her face in his bosom. + +"I am the Baon Ri Dhuv," said the enchantress, trying to look dignified, +and to smooth away the scowl that had darkened her visage since she +perceived his companion,--"the Queen of the South!" + +"And what can the Baon Ri Dhuv, the Queen of the South, want with Conla, +a shepherd of the north?" + +"Young man, mock me not," replied she, frowning most awfully: "you know +not, but you may be made to _feel_, my power. Listen to me," continued +she in a milder tone, and putting on what she intended to be a most +amiable and engaging look; but which gave her coarse lineaments a still +more grotesque hideousness, that almost made the young shepherd laugh in +her face, despite the secret dread he felt creeping on his heart. "I am +the ruler of a vast tract of country; I have a vast army to do my will; +nay, more, I have dominion over the elements in their fiercest rage, +and spirits obey my bidding. I am rich beyond counting. You smile, and +believe not. Look here!" + +As she spoke, she struck the ground three times with her foot, muttering +rapidly to herself, when up sprang close to her, a tall tree of the +purest gold, the glittering branches laden with jewels beyond all price. +Seizing one of these, a magnificent emerald, and pulling it off the +branch, again she stamped her foot, and the tree disappeared, leaving +the jewel in her hands. + +"Here," continued she, putting it into Conla's passive hand, "here is +earnest of my wealth; leave that weak girl, and come with me to wealth +and happiness!" + +Conla had hitherto been kept dumb by the strange scene before him; but +now, rousing himself, he looked at his Eva, and meeting her gaze of +deep, whole-hearted, confiding affection, he dashed the glittering jewel +on the ground, and cried, + +"Away, sorceress! I spurn your gifts, your accursed power, yourself! +With Eva will I live or die!" + +The face of the Black Lady showed horrible in the pale moonlight, as, +with a withering scowl of hatred and vengeance, she again spoke: + +"You shall not die, insolent wretch! You shall live in agonies to which +death were mercy; ay, and she, too,--that worthless thing you prefer to +me,--she, too, shall suffer!" + +As she spoke, she described a circle in the air with her hand round the +island. At once the moon became obscured, and a terrible darkness fell +upon all, while a sudden storm swept over the island. Conla and his Eva +tried to fly to some cave for refuge, but were arrested by the sight +that met their eyes when the transitory darkness cleared away. The moon +again shone out brilliantly, and by its light the lovers perceived, +to their great horror, that the island itself was in motion! A little +ahead of its southernmost point their persecutor was scudding over the +waters in a bark, the traditional accounts of which, represent it as a +good deal resembling the steam-boats of modern days, for there was smoke +issuing out of it; and two or three respectable individuals, with black +faces, fiery eyes, horns on their heads, and tails twirled in graceful +folds, might be seen through an open hatchway, employed in much the +same manner as the hard-working, hard-drinking steam-packet engineers +of our own times, while a clacking and clanging of iron was continually +heard, similar to the sounds that annoy sea-sick passengers at present. +From the taffrail of this inviting-looking vessel, three or four strong +cables stretched to the island, and were rove through an immense hole +in a huge projecting rock, that seemed as if it had been bored for this +especial purpose. The steamer tugged gallantly, and the island plashed +and splashed heavily along, at the rate of twenty or thirty knots an +hour: the cows and sheep upon the latter, not having their sea-legs +aboard, tumbled and rolled about in fine style. Eva got exceedingly +sea-sick, and Conla exceedingly indignant: but there was no use in his +anger. On the island went. + +On and on,--past Belfast, Drogheda, Dublin,--rattling and splashing +along, greatly to the astonishment of the fishes, who, besides being +then quite unaccustomed to public steaming, had never before seen an +island on the move. Between Dublin and Holyhead there was a little +difficulty; for the island, which was exceedingly unmanageable, fetched +away to starboard, and took the ground a little outside of Howth. This +was a cause of great delight to the lovers, who thought their voyage was +now at an end; but they were much mistaken; two of the amiable gentry +who manned the tug-boat jumped lightly on the island, and cut away with +a couple of strokes of an axe the part that was aground, it breaking +into two pieces, which remain to this day, proof of the truth of this +tale, under the names of Lambay and Ireland's Eye. On went the steamer +again, and on went the island merrily and clumsily as ever, and the +Black Lady looked back and laughed at the disappointed lovers. + +Wicklow went by,--Wexford,--and now the shores of the county Waterford +hove in sight; and the vessel and island, rounding Point Carnsore in +gallant style, issued out from the Irish Channel into the waters of the +Atlantic. + +Morning had broken by this time, and a bright and beautiful morning it +was. Eva, overpowered by fatigue, had sunk to sleep; Conla sate beside +her, deep anxiety lowering on his brow, and his soul rent with the most +agonizing emotions. Meantime his body was just as much disturbed, for +the island was now heaving and pitching worse than before, upon the +longer billows of the ocean; and he occasionally had to hold on with +both his hands to the stones and shrubs near him, to prevent himself +from being what sailors would call "hove overboard" by the violent +motion of the strange craft in, or rather _on_, which he was embarked. +Disliking his situation exceedingly, and greatly fearing that he would +have still more reason to do so, he saw that there was no chance of his +delivery from it, if he could not succeed in mollifying the enraged +enchantress. Espying her again seated upon the steamer's taffrail, he +therefore hailed her, and sought by humble prayers and entreaties to +induce her to release him and his Eva; or, if one should suffer, to set +her free, and vent the heaviest vengeance upon his head. But the Black +Lady let him talk on. He had a very sweet voice, and she liked to hear +that; and, when he had done, she contented herself with simply shaking +her head in token of refusal: then, as he again stooped his proud spirit +to still more vehement entreaties and supplications, and raved in the +intensity of his anguish, she mocked at him, and laughed loud and long +in scorn, till at length, wearied out and despairing, he sunk his head +upon his bosom, and was silent. Slowly the day wore on, but quickly the +headlands and bays of the southern shore of Ireland glided by; and great +was the wonder and amaze of those who looked to seaward from that shore. +Many were the noble fishes left that day in the depths of the ocean with +the barbed hook fast in their jaws, as the wild natives of the coast, in +terror at the sight of the demon vessel and her charge, hove overboard +their rude fishing-gear to lighten their frail coracles, and plied sail +and oar to seek refuge on the land. It has been even surmised that it +was some such sight as this, that scared that first great geographer, +Ptolemy, and made him fly the Irish coast ere he had completed his +survey. However, this is a point that has never been fully ascertained. + +The sun was sinking gloriously into the bosom of the slow-heaving main +as the steamer, with the island in tow, rounded Dursey Head, and hove +in sight of their destination, the promontory of Bohis. With exultation +in her eyes, the Baon Ri Dhuv pointed out her lofty castle, shining in +the distance with the last rays of the departing orb of day. Eva was now +awake, and her and Conla's supplications were poured out for mercy and +for pity; but they might as well have been uttered to Bohis Head itself. +The leagues between the latter place and Dursey Head were rapidly +traversed, and now the island had been towed within a mile of its final +destination, which was the promontory on which the castle stood. At +this moment another sudden storm, such as that of the preceding night, +passed athwart the scene; and, when it cleared away, the steamer had +disappeared, and the Black Lady was to be seen, upon the headland +tugging at the island to bring it closer. + +"Is there no help in Heaven!" cried Conla, as, after another appeal in +vain to their persecutor, he threw his eyes up with a reproachful glance. + +"Hush, Conla! reproach not the powers above; they are most merciful, and +will protect us. Hark! they answer!" + +At this moment a heavy peal of thunder crashed over head, and, rolling +towards the castle, seemed to expend itself over its summit. + +"Dread lady," cried Eva, animated to unusual courage by the omen, +"hearken to that, and yield to the powers of Heaven!--they declare +against thy tyranny!" + +"Never!" roared the tyrant, her eyes flashing baleful fire. "Sooner will +I become part of this mountain on which I stand mistress, than ye shall +escape me!" + +As she spoke, she gave a pull with her utmost strength to the chains. At +the moment a vivid flash of lightning darted from the clouds, and the +chains snapped right asunder. With the force of the shock the Black Lady +was precipitated into the sea, the island at the same time rebounding +back and becoming fixed for ever about halfway between Dursey and Bohis +Head. + +The Baon Ri Dhuv's tenants and servants spent the night in vainly +searching for her. The morning revealed to them a terrible sight. +Upon the extremity of the cape her well-known visage appeared, but +transformed to stone, and doomed for ages to remain there, lashed by the +raging billows of the ocean. Thus was her fatal wish accomplished! + +The island so strangely brought round, remains where it recoiled to, +and is now known by the name of Scariff. It is still rich land, and +feeds many herds; a strong proof of the authenticity of this tale, and +which is farther borne out by the fact, that the hole through which +the towing-chains were rove remains to this hour. Conla and Eva lived +happily for the rest of their days where they were, and left a numerous +progeny. It is said that the little old man who, with his strapping +offspring, fourteen in number, now tenants the island, is their lineal +descendant. The emerald that Conla threw away was afterwards found, +and preserved as a memorial of the events narrated until the times of +Cromwell; when some of his soldiers, having visited the island for +the laudable purpose of killing a friar who lived there as a hermit, +indulged another of their virtuous propensities by carrying the jewel +away with them. + + + + + BOB BURNS AND BERANGER. + SAM LOVER AND OVIDIUS NASO. + + BY FATHER PROUT. + + TO THE EDITOR OF BENTLEY'S MISCELLANY. + + SIR,--Under the above title I forward you two more scraps from + _Water-grass-hill_. + +The first is a glee in praise of poverty, a subject on which poets of +every country have a common understanding. The Italian BERNI, indeed, +went a step farther when he sang the "comforts of being in debt,"--_La +laude del debito_; but your enthusiast never knows where to stop. This +MS. may suit in the present state of the money market,--a bill drawn +by Burns and endorsed by Beranger. You can rely on the Scotchman's +signature, _experto crede Roberto_; while there can be no doubt that +the French songster's financial condition fully entitles him to join +Burns in an attempt of this kind. Since, however, much spurious paper +appears to be afloat, you will use your own discretion as to the foreign +acceptance. + +Of Scrap No. VI. I say nothing, Doctor Prout having left a note on the +subject prefixed to the same. Yours, &c. + RORY O'DRYSCULL. + _Water-grass-hill, April 20._ + + SCRAP NO. V. + + I. 1. + Is there, Quoi! Pauvre honnête + For honest poverty, Baisser la tête? + That hangs his head Quoi! rougir de la sorte? + And a' that? Que l'âme basse + The coward slave S'éloigne et passe + We pass him by, Nous--soyons gueux! n'importe! + We dare be poor for a' that: Travail obscur-- + For a' that, and a' that, N'importe! + Our toils obscure, Quand l'or est pur + And a' that; N'importe! + The rank is but Qu'il ne soit point + The guinea's stamp, Marqué au coin + The MAN's the gowd for a' that. D'un noble rang--qu'importe! + + II. 2. + What! though Quoiqu'on dût faire + On homely fare we dine, Bien maigre chère + Wear hidden grey, Et vêtir pauvre vêtement; + And a' that; Aux sots leur soie, + Give fools their silks, Leur vin, leur joie; + And knaves their wine, Ça fait'il L'HOMME? eh, nullement! + A man's a MAN for a' that: 'Luxe et grandeur-- + For a' that, for a' that, Qu'importe! + Their tinsel show, Train et splendeur-- + And a' that; Qu'importe! + The honest man, Coeurs vils et creux! + Though e'er so poor, Un noble gueux + Is king o' men for a' that. Vaut toute la cohorte! + + III. 3. + Ye see Voyez ce fat-- + Yon birkie, ca'd a lord, Un vain éclat + Wha struts and stares, L'entoure, et on l'encense, + And a' that; Mais après tout + Though hundreds worship Ce n'est qu'un fou,-- + At his word, Un sot, quoiqu'il en pense; + He's but a coof for a' that: Terre et maison, + For a' that, for a' that, Qu'il pense-- + His riband, star, Titre et blazon, + And a' that; Qu'il pense-- + The man of Or et ducats, + Independent mind Non! ne font pas + Can look and laugh at a' that. La vraie indépendence! + + IV. 4. + A king Un roi peut faire + Can make a belted knight, Duc, dignitaire, + A marquis, duke, Comte et marquis, journellement; + And a' that; Mais ce qu'on nomme + But an HONEST MAN Un HONNÊTE HOMME, + 's aboon his might, Le peut-il faire? eh, nullement! + Guid faith he manna fa' that. Tristes faveurs! + For a' that, for a' that, Réellement; + Their dignities, Pauvres honneurs! + And a' that; Réellement; + The pith o' sense Le fier maintien + And pride o' warth Des gens de bien + Are higher ranks than a' that. Leur manque essentiellement. + + V. 5. + Then let us pray Or faisons voeu + That come it may-- Qu'à tous, sous peu, + As come it will Arrive un jour de jugement;-- + For a' that-- Amis, ce jour + That sense and warth, Aura son tour, + O'er all the earth, J'en prends, j'en prends, + l'engagement. + May bear the gree, and a' that! Espoir et encouragement, + For a' that, and a' that, + It's coming yet, Aux pauvres gens + For a' that, Soulagement; + That man to man, 'Lors sure la terre + The warld a' o'er, Vivrons en frères, + Shall brothers be, for a' that. Et librement, et sagement! + + + SCRAP NO. VI. + +Possevino, in his _History of the Gonzagas_, (fol. Mantua, 1620,) tells +us, at page 781, that a Polish army, having penetrated to the Euxine, +found the ashes, with many MSS. of Ovid under a marble monument, which +they transferred in pomp to Cracow, A.D. 1581. It is well known that the +exiled Roman had written sundry poems in barbaric metre to gratify the +Scythian and Getic literati with whom he was surrounded. We have his own +words for it: + + "_Cæpique poetæ + Inter inhumanos nomen habere Getas._" + +The following is a fair specimen, procured by the kindness of the late +erudite Quaff-y-punchovitz, Keeper of the Archives of the Cracovian +University. The rhythmic termination, called by the Greeks [Greek: +omoioteleuton] is here clearly traceable to a Northern origin. It would +appear that the Scandinavian poets took great pride in the nicety and +richness of these rhymes, by which they beguiled the tediousness of +their winter nights: + + "_Accipiunt inimicam hyemem_ RIMIS_que, fatiscunt._" + +Ovid first tried thus an experiment on his native tongue, which was duly +followed up by the CHURCH, not unwilling to indulge by any reasonable +concession her barbarous converts in the sixth century. Of Mr. Lover's +translation it were superfluous to point out the miraculous fidelity; +delicate gallantry and well-sustained humour distinguish every line of +his vernacular version, hardly to be surpassed by the _Ars amandi_ of +his Latin competitor. + + + TO THE HARD-HEARTED MOLLY AD MOLLISSIMAM PUELLAM, È GETICÂ + CAREW, THE LAMENT OF HER CARUARUM FAMILIÂ OVIDIUS + IRISH LOVER. NASO LAMENTATUR. + + 1. I. + Och hone! Heu! heu! + Oh! what will I do? Me tædet, me piget o! + Sure my love is all crost, Cor mihi riget o! + Like a bud in the frost ... Ut flos sub frigido ... + And there's no use at all Et nox ipsa mî, tum + In my going to bed; Cum vado dormitùm, + For 'tis dhrames, and not sleep, Infausta, insomnis, + That comes into my head ... Transcurritur omnis ... + And 'tis all about you, Hoc culpâ fit tuâ + My sweet Molly Carew, Mî, ollis Carùa, + And indeed 'tis a sin Sic mihi illudens, + And a shame.-- Nec pudens.-- + You're complater than nature Prodigum tu, re + In every feature; Es, verâ, naturæ, + The snow can't compare Candidor lacte;-- + To your forehead so fair: Plus fronte cum hâc te, + And I rather would spy Cum istis ocellis, + Just one blink of your eye Plus omnibus stellis + Than the purtiest star Mehercule vellem.-- + That shines out of the sky; Sed heu, me imbellem! + Tho'--by this and by that! A me, qui sum fidus, + For the matter o' that-- Vel ultimum sidus + You're more distant by far Non distat te magis ... + Than that same. Quid agis! + Och hone, wierasthrew! Heu! heu! nisi tu + I am alone Me ames, + In this world without you! Pero! pillauleu! + + 2. II. + Och hone! Heu! heu! + But why should I speak Sed cur sequar laude + Of your forehead and eyes, Ocellos aut frontem + When your nose it defies Si NASI, cum fraude, + Paddy Blake the schoolmaster Prætereo pontem?... + To put it in rhyme?-- Ast hic ego minùs + Though there's one BURKE, Quàm ipse LONGINUS + He says, In verbis exprimem + Who would call it _Snub_lime ... Hunc nasum sublimem ... + And then for your cheek, De floridâ genâ + Throth 'twould take him a week Vulgaris camoena + Its beauties to tell Cantaret in vanum + As he'd rather:-- Per annum.-- + Then your lips, O machree! Tum, tibi puella! + In their beautiful glow Sic tument labella + They a pattern might be Ut nil plus jucundum + For the cherries to grow.-- Sit, aut ribicundum; + 'Twas an apple that tempted Si primitùs homo + Our mother, we know; Collapsus est pomo, + For apples were scarce Si dolor et luctus + I suppose long ago: Venerunt per fructus, + But at this time o' day, Proh! ætas nunc serior + 'Pon my conscience I'll say, Ne cadat, vereor, + Such cherries might tempt Icta tam bello + A man's father! Labello: + Och hone, wierasthrew! Heu! heu! nisi tu + I'm alone Me ames, + In this world without you! Pereo! pillaleu! + + 3. III. + Och hone! Heu! heu! + By the man in the moon! Per cornua lunæ + You teaze me all ways Perpetuò tu ne + That a woman can plaze; Me vexes impunè?... + For you dance twice as high I nunc choro salta + With that thief Pat Macghee (Mac-ghìus nam tecùm) + As when you take share Plantâ magis altâ + Of a jig, dear, with me; Quàm sueveris mecùm!... + Though the piper I bate, Tibicinem quando + For fear the ould chate Cogo fustigando + Wouldn't play you your Ne falsum det melus, + Favourite tune. Anhelus.-- + And when you're at Mass A te in sacello + My devotion you crass, Vix mentem revello, + For 'tis thinking of you Heu! miserè scissam + I am, Molly Carew; Te inter et Missam; + While you wear on purpose Tu latitas vero + A bonnet so deep, Tam stricto galero + That I can't at your sweet Ut cernere vultum + Pretty face get a peep. Desiderem multùm. + Oh! lave off that bonnet, Et dubites jam, nùm + Or else I'll lave on it (Ob animæ damnum) + The loss of my wandering Sit fas hunc deberi + Sowl! Auferri! + Och hone! like an owl, Heu! heu! nisi tu + Day is night, Coràm sis, + Dear, to me without you! Cæcus sim: eleleu! + + 4. IV. + Och hone! Heu! heu! + Don't provoke me to do it; Non me provocato, + For there's girls by the score Nam virginum sat, o! + That loves me, and more. Stant mihi amato ... + And you'd look very queer, Et stuperes planè, + If some morning you'd meet Si aliquo manè + My wedding all marching Me sponsum videres; + In pride down the street. Hoc quomodo ferres? + Throth you'd open your eyes, Quid diceres, si cum + And you'd die of surprise Triumpho per vicum, + To think 'twasn't you Maritus it ibi, + Was come to it. Non tibi! + And 'faith! Katty Naile Et pol! Catherinæ + And her cow, I go bail, Cui vacca, (tu, sine) + Would jump if I'd say, Si proferem hymen + "Katty Naile, name the day." Grande esset discrimen; + And though you're fair and fresh Tu quamvis, hìc aio + As the blossoms in May, Sis blandior Maio, + And she's short and dark Et hæc calet rariùs + Like a cowld winter's day, Quàm Januarius; + Yet, if _you_ don't repent Si non mutas brevi, + Before Easter,--when Lent Hanc mihi decrevi + Is over--I'll marry (Ut sic ultus forem) + For spite. Uxorem; + Och hone! and when I Tum posthâc diù + Die for you, Me spectrum + 'Tis my ghost that you'll see Verebere tu ... eleleu! + every night! + + + + + FAMILY STORIES. No. IV.--THE SQUIRE'S STORY. + + THE JACKDAW OF RHEIMS. + A GOLDEN LEGEND. + + "Tunc miser Corvus adeo conscientiæ + stimulis compunctus fuit, et execratio + eum tantopere excarneficavit, ut exinde tabescere + inciperet, maciem contraheret, omnem cibum aversaretur, + nec ampliùs crocitaret: pennæ præterea ei defluebant, + et alis pendulis omnes facetias intermisit, et tam + macer apparuit ut omnes ejus miserescerent." + + "Tunc abbas sacerdotibus mandavit ut + rursus furem absolverent; quo facto, Corvus, omnibus + mirantibus, propediem convaluit, et pristinam + santitatem recuperavit." _De Illust. Ord. Cisterc._ + + The Jackdaw sat on the Cardinal's chair! + Bishop, and abbot, and prior were there; + Many a monk, and many a friar, + Many a knight, and many a squire, + With a great many more of lesser degree,-- + In sooth, a goodly company; + And they served the Lord Primate on bended knee. + Never, I ween, + Was a prouder seen, + Read of in books, or dreamt of in dreams, + Than the Cardinal Lord Archbishop of Rheims! + + In and out, + Through the motley rout, + That little Jackdaw kept hopping about; + Here and there, + Like a dog in a fair, + Over comfits and cates, + And dishes and plates, + Cowl and cope, and rochet and pall, + Mitre and crosier, he hopped upon all! + With a saucy air, + He perch'd on the chair + Where in state the great Lord Cardinal sat + In the great Lord Cardinal's great red hat; + And he peer'd in the face + Of his Lordship's Grace + With a satisfied look, as if he would say, + "We two are the greatest folks here to-day!" + And the priests, with awe, + As such freaks they saw, + Said, "The devil must be in that little Jackdaw!" + + The feast was over, the board was clear'd, + The flawns and the custards had all disappear'd, + And six little singing-boys,--dear little souls + In nice clean faces and nice white stoles, + Came, in order due, + Two by two, + Marching that grand refectory through! + A nice little boy held a golden ewer, + Embossed, and filled with water as pure + As any that flows between Rheims and Namur, + Which a nice little boy stood ready to catch + In a fine golden hand-basin made to match. + Two nice little boys, rather more grown, + Carried lavender water and eau de Cologne; + And a nice little boy had a nice cake of soap, + Worthy of washing the hands of the Pope. + One little boy more + A napkin bore, + Of the best white diaper, fring'd with pink, + And a Cardinal's Hat mark'd in permanent ink. + + The great Lord Cardinal turns at the sight + Of these nice little boys dress'd all in white: + From his finger he draws + His costly turquoise; + And, not thinking at all about little Jackdaws, + Deposits it straight + By the side of his plate, + While the nice little boys on his Eminence wait; + Till, when nobody's dreaming of any such thing, + That little Jackdaw hops off with the ring. + + * * * * * + + There's a cry and a shout, + And a deuce of a rout, + And nobody seems to know what they're about, + But the monks have their pockets all turn'd inside out; + The friars are kneeling, + And hunting, and feeling + The carpet, the floor, and the walls, and the ceiling. + The Cardinal drew + Off each plum-coloured shoe, + And left his red stockings expos'd to the view; + He peeps, and he feels + In the toes and the heels. + They turn up the dishes, they turn up the plates, + They take up the poker and poke out the grates, + They turn up the rugs, + They examine the mugs:-- + But no! no such thing; + They can't find the ring; + And the abbot declared that, "when nobody twigg'd it, + Some rascal or other had popped in, and prigg'd it!" + + The Cardinal rose with a dignified look, + He call'd for his candle, his bell, and his book! + In holy anger, and pious grief, + He solemnly cursed that rascally thief! + He curs'd him at board, he curs'd him in bed; + From the sole of his foot to the crown of his head; + He curs'd him in sleeping, that every night + He should dream of the devil, and wake in a fright; + He curs'd him in eating, he curs'd him in drinking, + He curs'd him in coughing, in sneezing, in winking; + He curs'd him in sitting, in standing, in lying, + He curs'd him in walking, in riding, in flying, + He curs'd him living, he curs'd him dying! + Never was heard such a terrible curse; + But, what gave rise + To no little surprise, + Nobody seem'd one penny the worse! + + The day was gone, + The night came on, + The monks and the friars they search'd till dawn; + When the Sacristan saw, + On crumpled claw, + Come limping a poor little lame Jackdaw! + No longer gay, + As on yesterday; + His feathers all seem'd to be turn'd the wrong way; + His pinions droop'd, he could hardly stand, + His head was as bald as the palm of your hand; + His eye so dim, + So wasted each limb, + That heedless of grammar, they all cried, "That's him!-- + That's the scamp that has done this scandalous thing! + That's the thief that has got my Lord Cardinal's ring!" + + The poor little Jackdaw, + When the monks he saw, + Feebly gave vent to the ghost of a caw; + And turn'd his bald head, as much as to say, + "Pray, be so good as to walk this way!" + Slower and slower + He limp'd on before, + Till they came to the back of the belfry-door, + Where the first thing they saw, + 'Midst the sticks and the straw, + Was the ring, in the nest of that little Jackdaw! + + Then the great Lord Cardinal call'd for his book, + And off that terrible curse he took; + The mute expression + Serv'd in lieu of confession, + And, being thus coupled with full restitution, + The Jackdaw got plenary absolution. + When those words were heard, + That poor little bird + Was so changed in a moment, 'twas really absurd: + He grew sleek and fat; + In addition to that, + A fresh crop of feathers came thick as a mat! + His tail waggled more + Even than before; + But no longer it wagged with an impudent air, + No longer he perch'd on the Cardinal's chair. + He hopped now about + With a gait devout; + At Matins, at Vespers, he never was out; + And, so far from any more pilfering deeds, + He always seem'd telling the Confessor's beads. + If any one lied, or if any one swore, + Or slumber'd in pray'r time and happened to snore, + That good Jackdaw + Would give a great "caw," + As much as to say, "Don't do so any more!" + While many remarked, as his manner they saw, + That they never had known such a pious Jackdaw! + He long lived the pride + Of that country side, + And at last in the odour of sanctity died; + When, as words were too faint + His merits to paint, + The conclave determined to make him a Saint; + And on newly-made Saints and Popes, as you know, + It's the custom at Rome new names to bestow, + So they canoniz'd him by the name of Jem Crow! + + + + + OUR SONG OF THE MONTH. No. VI. + June, 1837. + + I. + Mother of summer roses! + Winter's ling'ring closes + Made us fear for thee:-- + Many a hope was wailing, + Thinking thou wert sailing, + With thy smile, + To some false isle, + Upon our tribute sea! + + II. + Mother of summer roses! + Nought on earth opposes + Our fond claim to thee! + Find'st thou welcome dearer? + Beauty or minstrels nearer? + In the arch + Of thy round march + Can gentler rest-place be? + + III. + Mother of summer roses, + June! thy month discloses + All that is sweet and fair: + Birds and flower wreathing + Minstrel garlands, breathing + Song and bloom + In one perfume, + Reviving the faint air! + + IV. + Mother of summer roses! + On thy breast reposes + The flush'd cheek of the year: + Break not his soft slumbers + With rude music-numbers: + Mingled gush + Of stream and thrush + Be all that may come near! + W. + + + + + PERIODICAL LITERATURE OF THE NORTH AMERICAN INDIANS. + +It is an astounding but gratifying proof of the rapid march of +civilization, that periodical literature springs up and flourishes among +tribes and nations which, but twenty or thirty years ago, had hardly +advanced a few steps beyond barbarism. A Cherokee newspaper has for some +time been published, and in the Sandwich Islands a gazette has recently +been established; and a file of a paper called "the Indian Phoenix," +published in the United States, under the superintendence of an Indian +editor, and addressed exclusively to his countrymen, has just fallen +under our notice. These are pleasing facts for the consideration of +every true philanthropist, and stable data on which the philosopher may +argue that the day is not far distant when the rays of knowledge shall +illumine every nation of the earth. Wherever a newspaper is established, +ignorance must diminish; for the newspaper is not only the effect, but +the cause of civilization,--not only the work itself, but the means by +which the work is performed. The Indian Phoenix is published in the +English language at Washington, and is from thence distributed among +these roving aborigines, not only in every part of the United States, +but throughout the vast territories of Mexico and Texas. The paper is +not only edited, but printed by Indians; and, whatever may be said of +the intellectual portions of it, the mechanical parts will certainly +bear comparison with the provincial journals of England, and are much +before the newspapers of several of the nations of Europe, those of +Germany and Portugal for instance, which are as wretched specimens of +typography as it is now possible to meet with. + +For the amusement of our readers we shall proceed to make a few extracts +from these very curious journals. The principles which are advocated +therein will, no doubt, appear startling at first sight; but a little +reflection will show, that, although strange, they are not altogether +unfounded. These men have, by the strong arms of European civilization, +been driven from the wild forests inherited by their forefathers, +the woods they hunted in have been converted into corn-fields, and +the clear waters of the lonely rivers beside which they dwelt have +been contaminated by the refuse of smoky manufactories, and rendered +busy with the sails and paddle-wheels of enterprising commerce. The +civilization which thus came upon the land from afar has now reached +its original inhabitants; and the Indians, savages no more, have +begun to employ the arts of peace and the powerful weapons of opinion +to reconquer a portion of the broad lands of which they have been +despoiled. The struggles in Texas, and the unsettled state of Mexico, +have caused them to turn their eyes in that direction; and they have +been inspired by the hope that Mexico is to be the region in which +all the scattered tribes will be collected together to form one great +independent nation. It is not intended in this brief notice to speculate +upon the probability or improbability of such a scheme, or to say +whether or not these dispersed and dismembered clans, without leader or +bond of union, will ever be able to accomplish so gigantic a project. +It is sufficient to state that such is their object, in order that the +reader may understand the allusions in the extracts which we shall place +before him. The following will show the prose these Indians are capable +of writing (we shall come to their poetry by and by), and will also give +an idea of their political creed. In the leading article of the first +number, the editor says, + +"Our creed may be met with in these words. We render unto the +self-esteemed civilized world the things which are the self-esteemed +civilized world's, and unto the long-oppressed, yet noble, elevated, and +dignified Indian the things which once belonged and shall again belong +to him." + +These sentiments, and their open avowal, although they may not cause the +settler to tremble for the safety of his homestead, ought nevertheless +to make the statesman ponder well on the condition and aspirations of +this ill-used race. The editor continues: + +"In the deep gloom of the future position of these countries we see +no evidence of a single periodical grasping with energetic vision +the coming time. Alone, therefore, do we step on the arena of public +opinion. With nerved heart and nerved hand shall we advance: the +curiosity of the many, the surprise of others, the encouragement of the +few, the denunciations of the National Gazette, or New York American, +or all who may follow in their fetid and nauseous trail, shall not turn +wide one of the barbed arrows which shall now and henceforth be launched +unsparingly at all who cross our path."--"We are not mad, most noble +Festus, but speak the words of truth and soberness." + +The following little bit of Scriptural exposition will, no doubt, cause +a smile even on the grave faces of the learned doctors who are versed in +Biblical knowledge. The Indians, stigmatized by the civilized nations +of the earth for the cruel practice of scalping their fallen enemies, +bring forward the authority of our sacred book in their justification. +Even David, the man after God's own heart, and one of the finest poets +the world ever produced, went out on the war-path like a Mohican or a +Cherokee, and bore away the scalps of his enemies! The editor hints +that this alone would warrant the assertion which has been so often put +forth, that America was peopled by the lost ten tribes of Israel. He +says, + +"We invite the attention--we throw down the gauntlet of defiance to all +and every civilized Christian in Europe or America to gainsay or dispute +the correctness or validity of the inferences and facts stated below. +The Scriptures say, + +"'And Michal, Saul's daughter, loved David; and they told Saul, and the +thing pleased him. + +"'And Saul said, I will give him her that she may be a snare to him, and +that the hand of the Philistines may be against him. + +"'And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David: the king desireth not any +dowry, but a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged on the +king's enemies. But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the +Philistines. + +"'Wherefore David arose, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two +hundred men, and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in +full toll to the king, that he might be the king's son-in-law.' + +"We see from this," (continues the editor of the Phoenix,) "that +David, who was a great Jewish warrior, went out on the war-path not +from any motive of war, or to revenge the death of his fallen comrades; +but for what? Why, to get a marriage portion to lay before the king +of the Jewish nation. And what was this marriage portion? Lo! it was +one hundred _scalps_ of the Philistines. * * * * * At the conclusion +we are told that Michal, Saul's daughter, loved him. Why? _Because he +was a great warrior, who had taken many scalps, and, moreover, David +behaved himself wisely, that is, cunning, in taking of scalps from the +Philistines, so that his name was much set by._ As the Jews were in the +time of Saul and David, so are the Indian tribes of the West and of +North America. They go out on the war-path, they return with scalps; and +the daughters of the tribe sing, as in the days of David, 'The warrior +Dutch hath slain his tens, but the warrior Smith hath slain his fifties +in the villages of the Tarwargans.'" + +The following is a specimen of the poetry,--one of the war-songs of +these regenerated Indians. We cannot say it is quite equal to the prose, +but it is certainly more curious. + + "Indian chiefs, arise! + The glorious hour's gone forth, + And in the world's eyes + Display who gave you birth! + Indian chiefs, let us go + In arms to Mexico; + Till the Spanish blood shall flow + In a river at our feet. + + Then, manfully despising + The pale faces' yoke, + Let your tribes see you rising + Till your chains is broke!" + +Fastidious readers may object both to the vigour and the grammar of the +above; but we have still richer specimens in store for them. The song +continues: + + "As rose the tribes of _Judah_ + In days long past and gone, + I'll lead you to as _good a_ + Land to be your own. + + Cherokee! in slumbers + Why lethargic wilt thou lie? + Arise, and bring thy numbers + Us to ally. + + Arouse! Oh, then, awake thee! + And hasten to my standard; + For I will ne'er forsake thee, + But ever lead the vanguard! + + Come on, the brave Oneida, + Seneca, Delaware, + The promised land divide a- + -Mong you when you're there." + +The rhymes of "Judah" and "good a" and "standard" and "vanguard," are +tolerably original; but they are beaten hollow by that of the last +verse, "Oneida" and "divide a-"!--"-Mong you when you're there," is a +sequel which has much more truth than elegance in it. "-Mong you (_when +you're there_?)" we would suggest as a new and improved reading of the +passage. The following is in a much more elevated style; there is a +rough vigour about it which many of our own namby-pamby poetasters would +do well to imitate. The rhymes are also more felicitous, and the measure +and grammar less objectionable. + + "The mountain sheep are sweeter, + But the valley sheep are fatter; + We therefore deemed it meeter + To carry off the latter. + We planned an expedition: + We met a host, and quelled it; + We took a strong position, + And killed the men who held it!" + +The above stanza is unique. Every line tells; and there is a raciness, a +tartness about it, if we may so express it, which is quite delightful. + + "_The valley sheep are fatter;_ + _We therefore deemed it meeter_ + _To carry off the latter._" + +Many ballads have been written about Rob Roy, who also had a sneaking +inclination for the "fat sheep" of other people: but the daring +simplicity of these lines has never been surpassed. The song continues: + + "On Norte's richest valley, + There herds of kine were browsing; + We made a nightly sally + To furnish our carousing. + Fierce soldiers rushed to meet us, + We met them, and o'erthrew them; + They struggled hard to beat us, + But we conquered them, and slew them! + + As we drove our prize at leisure, + Santa Anna marched to catch us; + His rage surpassed all measure, + Because he could not match us. + He fled to his hall pillars; + But, ere our force we led off, + Some sacked his house and cellars, + While others cut his head off." + +Poetry has always been allowed some licence, and we suppose we must pass +over the assertion in the last line, by merely observing by the way that +Santa Anna is, in vulgar phrase, still "alive and kicking." The song +ends thus: + + "We then, in strife bewildering, + Spilt blood enough to swim in; + We orphaned many children, (_childering_) + And widowed many women. + + The eagles and the ravens + We glutted with the foemen; + Their heroes and their cravens, + Their lancers and their bowmen. + + As for Santa Anna, their blood-red chief, + His head was borne before us; + His wine and beasts supplied our feasts, + And his overthrow our chorus." + +The foregoing extracts are all in a warlike strain. We will now give a +few specimens of the softer lyrics in which these _scalpers_ indulge. +The Irish melodies of Moore are, it appears, not unknown even amongst +them; and that they are admired, the following imitation, or rather +parody, of one of the most beautiful of them will sufficiently show. + + "There is not in the wide world a valley so sweet + As that Mexican vale in whose bosom "lakes" meet. + Oh! the last ray of feeling and life must depart, + Ere the bloom of that valley shall fade from my heart! + + Yet it was not that nature had shed o'er the scene + Her purest of crystal, and brightest of green; + 'Twas not the soft magic of streamlet or hill: + Oh, no, it was something more heart-touching still! + + 'Twas remembrance of all,--Montezuma--his throne-- + The power and the glory of Aztek all gone! + Like the leaves of the forest in autumn are strewn, + Were the splendour and hope of that race overthrown. + + But the day-star is rising unclouded and bright, + That shall clear and illumine long ages of night, + And restore to that valley the Indian race, + And leave of their white lords no longer a trace. + + Sweet "Mexican valley," how calm shall we rest + In thy bosom of shade, when thy sons are all blest! + When 'neath the fig-tree and the vine of each man + They shall sing to the praise of the Almighty one! + When the storm of the war, and its bloodshed, shall cease, + And our hearts, like her lakes, be mingled in peace!" + +Interspersed through the papers are various imitations of our poets, +especially of Scott, Byron, and Mrs. Hemans. As an apology for the +plagiarisms, the editor places over the poet's corner the following +motto: + + "To the living poets we beg to say, + that it not being fair for them to monopolize + the best words in the language we write in, to say + nothing of the ideas, we take free liberty with them + when need is. We will make them amends two years hence + when they come to see us in the valleys of Mexico. + To the illustrious dead we shall fully explain our + reasons when we may chance to meet them in the 'great + elsewhere.'" + +The next specimen is an imitation of Ossian, a bard whose poetry must +necessarily possess many charms for them. + +"Come, all ye warriors! come with your chief--come! The song rises +like the sun in my soul! I feel the joys of other times. The Cherokee +was on the land of Arkansas. The strange warriors of the prairie were +rich in horses. We said in our souls, why not give the Tarwargans of +their abundance? Six of our warriors were found on the great prairie, +advancing like the moon among clouds, concealed from the view. Days +had passed when they approached the wigwams of the Tarwargans. A +narrow plain spreads beneath, covered with grass and aged trees. The +blue course of a stream is there. The horses were secured. Their feet +were slowly advancing towards the wigwams. Not without eyes were the +Tarwargans. The warriors had not been invisible. High hopes of prairie +horses and the scalps of the enemy fill their souls. A blast came upon +them. The sound of rifles was heard in the air. Three of the warriors +fell! The tomahawk descended, and they were left in their shame without +scalps. Two warriors fled together. SMOKE (a warrior) fled not: he +rushed for safety, and laid himself low with his rifle among the briers. +Shouts of triumph are heard. The Tarwargans return. The slain are +dragged to the dancing-ground--oh, grief! oh, revenge! Did you not know +the heart of _Smoke_? Placed in the ground are three stakes; tied are +the scalpless dead! Upright they sit. Oh, grief! the derision of the +Tarwargans! 'Cunning warriors are ye, oh, Cherokees! but your scalps are +at our feet.'" + +The following, which the editor assures us is a literal translation +from an old song highly popular among the aboriginal tribes of Mexico, +is interesting. The poetry of the original is so sublime that the +translator, in despair of equalling it in rhyme, has given it us in +plain prose. + +"Mexitli Tetzauhteotl (the Terrible God) o-ah! o-ah! o-ah! The son of +the woman of Tula. The green plume is on his head, the wing of the eagle +is on his leg; his forehead is blue, like the firmament. He carries a +spear and buckler, and with the fir-tree of Colhuacan he crushes the +mountains! O-ah! o-ah! o-ah! Mexitli Tetzauhteotl!" + + * * * * * + +"Mexitli Tetzauhteotl! o-ah! o-ah! o-ah! my father ate the heart of +Xochimilco! Where was Painalton, the god of the swift foot, when the +Miztecas ran to the mountains? 'Fast, warrior, fast!' said Painalton, +the brother of Mexitli. His foot-print is on the snows of Istaccihuatl, +and on the tops of the mountains of Orizaba. Toktepec, and Chinantla, +and Matlalzinco were strong warriors, but they shook under his feet +as the hills shake when the king of hell groans in the caverns. So my +father killed the men of the south, the men of the east, and the men of +the west, and Mexitli shook the fir-tree with joy, and Painalton danced +by night among the stars! O-ah! o-ah! Mexitli Tetzauhteotl!" + + * * * * * + +"Mexitli Tetzauhteotl! o-ah! o-ah! Where is the end of Mexico? It begins +in Huehuetapallan in the north, and who knows the end of Huehuetapallan? +In the south it sees the land of crocodiles and vultures,--the bog and +the rock where man cannot live. The sea washes it on the east, the +sea washes it on the west, and that is the end: who has looked to the +end of the waters? Mexico is the land of blossoms,--the land of the +tiger-flower, and the cactus-bud that opens at night like a star,--the +land of the dahlia, that ghosts come to snuff at. It is a land dear to +Mexitli! O-ah! o-ah! Mexitli Tetzauhteotl! + + * * * * * + +"Mexitli Tetzauhteotl! o-ah! o-ah! o-ah! Who were the enemies of Mexico? +Their heads are in the wall of the house of skulls, and the little child +strikes them as he goes by with a twig. Once Mexico was a bog of reeds, +and Mexitli slept on a couch of bulrushes. Our god now sits on a world +of gold, and the world is Mexico. Will any one fight me? I am a Mexican. +Mexitli is the god of the brave. Our city is fair on the island, and +Mexitli sleeps with us. When he calls me in the morning, I grasp the +quiver,--the quiver and the axe,--and I am not afraid. When he winds +his horn from the woods, I know that he is my father, and that he will +look at me while I fight. Sound the horn of battle; I see the spear of a +foe. Mexitli Tetzauhteotl, we are the men of Mexico! O-ah! o-ah! Mexitli +Tetzauhteotl! + +With this extract we shall conclude our notice of this very curious +subject, promising, however, to return to it at a future period. + + + + + EPITAPH. + + When London, of a rogue bereft, + Saw Tompkins, the _distiller_, die; + It seems some twenty pounds he left, + To pay a poet for a lie. + Thus wrote the bard, who, lacking gold, + Was yet to tell a fib unwilling: + "This stone need not _his_ worth disclose, + Who half his life was good _in-stilling_." + R. J. + + + + + A GEOGRAPHICAL EPIGRAM. + + "Oh, dear! such a climate 'tis death to be in-- + I surely shall die in the 'Bights of Benin'!" + + "All look for your death, and the more shall we rue it, + Since the _sups_, not the 'Bights,' will, alas! bring you to it." + R. J. + + + + + DARBY THE SWIFT; OR, + THE LONGEST WAY ROUND IS THE SHORTEST WAY HOME. + + "He who runs may read." + + + CHAPTER 1. + +"A century or two ago, there was a class of dependents or hangers-on +to the great families in Ireland, denominated 'running-footmen,' who +may truly be looked upon as originals in their singular, laborious, +and sometimes even dangerous calling. Though ostensibly mere +letter-carriers, or light-parcel bearers, across the difficult parts of +the country, as yet inaccessible to carriages, or even quadrupeds, (or +rendered passable by that style of road-making which the _Colossus of +Roads_, Macadam, pretended was _his_ discovery,) the running-footmen had +occasionally charges of more serious import. They were often suspected +of being the agents by whom political measures of local warfare were +transmitted from baronial sovereigns to their distant clanships or +allies,--of being walking, or rather running, telegraphs (for their +speed was prodigious) of some plot of treason against the rights of +the invader, and often cruelly and unjustly sacrificed to his fury, +when intercepted on their secret but seldom hostile missions. They +carried their notions of honour on the point of their trust, whatever +it might be, to a romantic scrupulosity. No matter whether it was a +love-letter or a challenge, a purse or a process, a curse or a blessing, +the faithful runner never revealed it to any one but the person for +whom it was intended. Though journeying by the most difficult passes, +and undergoing the most severe privations, those extraordinary fellows +seldom failed in their undertakings. This may be partially accounted for +by the reverence they were held in by their own people; for as the lower +Irish still continue to believe in the strange notion of their Oriental +ancestors, that the souls of 'innocents' (in plainer English, 'fools,') +are in heaven, and that their 'muddy vesture of decay' on earth is +entitled to superstitious respect, these motleys, in either their real +or assumed garb of folly, were treated with a kind of familiar or +affectionate reverence wherever they went amongst their own countrymen. +On the other hand, the paths of their treading, when they went out upon +distant journeys, were so little known to the hostile strangers, that +they ran but little chance of receiving injury at their hands, or even +meeting with them. Such were the running-footmen of other days; but +they are gone,--their _race_ is ended,--and those who pride themselves +upon their descent from the stock seem to have retained but few of the +qualifications of their ancestors. Everything romantic and happy in +Ireland seems to be dwindling away. No longer do we hear the pleasant +announcements of 'Blind Connal the harper, sir,' and 'Miss Biddy +Maquillian the fiddler, my lady,' and 'Dermot O'Dowd the piper, boys,' +and ----" + +I had just read so far in some work or other which I had carelessly +taken up for a peep after dinner one day, when a loud knock at the door +of my apartment made me close the book, and say "Come in!" The door +slowly opened; but, as nobody entered, I demanded "Who's there?" + +"It's me, masther; Darby, yir honor."--"What do you want?" inquired +I.--"Nothing, sir," said he, "but I've got a letther for ye, +sir."--"From whom?" said I.--"Faix, I don't know, sir," replied he +archly; "for I haven't read it yit; but here it is."--"Why don't you +come in and give it to me?" demanded I.--"I'm afraid, sir," said he, +"that my brogues would dirty the carpet, and set all the girls in the +kitchen a-laughing at me for comin' into the drawin'-room; and sure a +purtier room a man need never wish to come into."--"Oh! very well," +said I, rising; "you shall have your way, Darby."--"Am I to wait for an +answer, sir?" said he, giving me the letter.--"No," replied I; "I'll +ring if it be necessary."--"Thank yir honor," said Darby, and turned +to descend the stairs with the furtive caution of a cat when stealing +upon its prey, lest he should make his brogues audible. A loud crash, +succeeded by a louder laugh, through which I distinctly heard, "_Merry +bad look to yiz all!_" convinced me that Darby's coming up stairs with +the letter was a contrivance of the other servants to play some trick +upon him, which their merriment seemed to show had succeeded; but into +which as I did not care to inquire, I sate down, opened my letter, and +began to read. I had not proceeded far before I found it related to +business of the most serious consequence, and required that I should +write _instanter_ to a friend, who was on a visit at Bally----, (nearly +forty miles distant across the country,) and have an answer by immediate +return of post. There was no time to be lost; so I wrote my letter as +speedily as possible, folded, sealed, and directed it, then rang the +bell with unusual impatience. It was promptly answered; but this time +there was no knock at the door before it opened, for it was Eileen, +my usual attendant, that presented herself, with a face whose natural +health, cheerfulness, and rustic beauty were considerably heightened by +the flush of recent merriment. + +"What have you been doing with Darby, Eileen?" said I.--"_Oh, +widdy-eelish!_" (her constant ejaculation) said she laughing, "nothing +at all, sir; only he said he wanted to see the drawin'-room, so we sent +him up with the letter, and he slipped his foot as he came down, sir; +that's all."--"You know I don't like those tricks, Eileen," said I, with +all the severity I could muster against her smothered laughter.--"No, +sir; I know, sir; but when an _omadhaun_ like that--"--"Silence!" said +I. "I want to send a letter by the post: what o'clock is it?"--"Half an +hour too late, sir," said Eileen, resuming her gravity; "and there'll be +no post to-morrow."--"No post to-morrow!" echoed I.--"No sir; tomorrow's +Saturday, you know."--"Confusion!" said I, "it will be so indeed. +What's to be done?"--"I don't know, sir," replied Eileen despondingly; +"how far is it?"--"Oh! nearly forty miles across the country," cried +I; "and I want an answer immediately."--"Can't Darby _run_ across +with it?" said Eileen.--"_Run_ across with it!" cried I; "is the girl +out of her senses? Run across forty miles, as if it were nothing more +than a hop-step-and-jump!"--"He'll do it in that same, sir," said +Eileen seriously, "if ye'll only tell him what it is."--"_Who_'ll +do it?" cried I impatiently.--"Why, Darby, sir," said she; "Darby +in the kitchen, that's known all the country round for Darby the +Swift."--"What!" cried I, "that fellow that brought me the letter +just now? Impossible!"--"There's nothing impossible to God, sir, you +know,--glory be to his name!" said Eileen, "and so the _crathur_ has the +gift of it: he'll do it, I warrant ye." I looked up in Eileen's face, +and saw there was something beyond common opinion pleading for Darby; +so, waiving all farther parley, I desired her to go down stairs and send +him to me instantly. Eileen curtsied, and, retiring, shut the door; but +immediately opened it again, saying "You don't want him the night, sir, +do ye? for," added she with a loud laugh, "I think he has broken his +shin-bone."--"Send him to me immediately," said I peremptorily; upon +which Eileen, exclaiming "_Oh, widdy-eelish!_" made her exit. + +Now it was evident from her last words that Eileen, in conjunction +with others, had done some injury to poor Darby in their gambols; but +as he is just coming up stairs, and will make a long pause before he +presumes to knock at the door a second time, allow me, gentle reader, +_ad interim_, to present you with a portrait of my servant, or follower, +"DARBY RYAN," nick-named "_The Swift_." + +Darby Ryan was about thirty years of age, middle-sized, not over stout, +and tolerably well made. His hair, both in texture and tint, resembled +the _raddled_ back of a fawn-coloured goat, and waved in shaggy +luxuriance everywhere save on his forehead, in the middle of which +it timidly descended in a close-cropped peak, till it nearly united +itself with two enormous dark-coloured eyebrows. His eyes were small, +and the blackest I have ever seen; with a gleam of fire occasionally, +that lent them more archness than ferocity. Some thought he squinted, +and said that, though under _one_ master's direction, his _two pupils_ +went contrary ways; but I believe this was all slander, and only set +forth by jealous people, who themselves, it is said, are rather queer +in their optics. A _fracas_ in a hurling-match had left his nose little +more than a one-arched bridge, by which, if you please, we will pass +along to his mouth, where, if I had the time, I could find ample _room_ +for _rum_ination, &c. But Darby has knocked at my door, and I am forced +to say "Come in!"--"Did yir honor want me, sir? or is it only the +_caileen_'s fun, and the rest of them, in the kitchen?" said Darby, +opening the door, but remaining outside as before. "Come in," said I +encouragingly, "and take a seat for a moment; I'll tell you what I want +with you." The girl's fears for the carpet were quite right; for Darby, +making a bow to me on his entrance, scraped about a pound of mud off his +brogues, which would have discomfited him quite if I had not proceeded +with "Do you know the road to Bally----? Can you find your way to it +safely, Darby?" + +"Can a duck swim, yir honor?" said Darby, emboldened by degrees. + +"Oh! very well, I understand you," said I. "Now, mark me: I want you +to take this letter to a friend of mine, who is on a visit with the +clergyman there, and bring me an answer as speedily as possible. Are you +so quick-footed as they say?" + +"Quick-_futted_!" said Darby, seating himself on the very corner of the +nearest chair; "where there's a will there's a way, as the sayin' is: +but I was never counted slow anyhows but oncet, and that was when I made +the clock stop of its own accord on a Patrick's Day, and sure, when we +broke up our party, we found it was two days afterwards." + +"Well, take care and be more sparing of your time for the present," said +I, anxious to despatch him. + +"You may rely on it, sir," said he; "I'll spare _nather_ time nor +trouble in the doin' of it, although it is letter-carryin'." + +"Letter-carrying!" said I; "and pray what is there disgraceful in the +calling?" + +"Oh! nothing at all disgraceful in the _calling_, sir," said Darby, +"as yir honor says, but quite the reverse, if the letters are not paid +aforehand." + +"You would not surely appropriate the postage to yourself?" said I, +looking severely, though I did not exactly comprehend him. + +"Is it me, sir?--_Pop_eriate the king's pocket money in that way, poor +ould gentleman! I'm not in parliament yet, nor ever had a fine situation +under government, like yir honor." + +"Be not impertinent, sir," said I sharply; "I'd have you know and keep +your distance." Darby rose immediately from the chair, of which about +this time he had occupied nearly one half, saying, + +"Any distance you like for a short time, sir; for it's myself would +grieve to part you for ever. What's the word of command, sir, and I'm +off?--Right or left, north or south, Darby Ryan's yir man 'gainst wind +or tide, as was said of one of my posteriors----" + +"Your ancestors you mean," said I smiling. + +"My _aunt's sisters_, yir honor! Faith and he wasn't one of her +_sisters_, nor one of my _four_ fathers either,--for he was +neither my godfather, nor my own father, nor my grandfather, +nor my great-grandfather; but, as I said afore, one of my +pos--pos--pos--_terity_, (I have the word now, divil take it!) that was +christened RYAN THE RACER, for bein' runnin' futtman ages ago to the +first quality in the country." + +By this time I began to perceive that, however quick Darby's heels might +be, they had a formidable rival in his tongue; so I endeavoured to check +_it_ at once by saying, "I have no time now to attend to any stories +about your ancestry or relations; I merely wish to know can you take +this letter to its direction, and speedily bring me an answer to it: in +a word, can you set our immediately, and travel all night?"--"All night, +yir honor! is it all night that's in yir mind?" said Darby, evidently +hurt at my inquiry: "Gog's blud!" he continued half apart, "I was never +taken for a turkey afore."--"A turkey!" said I, quite at a loss to +understand him.--"Yes, yir honor," said Darby, "a turkey--the very worst +_baste_ on the road for a long stretch (barrin' his neck) that ever +was christened! Did yir honor ever hear of the wager 'tween the goose +and him?"--"Never," said I sullenly.--"Then I'm glad of it, masther," +said Darby rejoicingly, "for it gives me the pleasure of tellin' it +to yir honor. You see, sir, that oncet upon a time there was an ould +cock-turkey----"--"Cock and a bull!" said I, losing all patience; "go +down stairs! I don't want you at all."--"No sir; I know you don't, +sir," said Darby with most provoking perseverance; "but I thought ye'd +like to hear how an ould gander sarved the bull-turkey, big as he +was."--"Well, then," said I in despair, "go on."--"Thank ye, sir," said +Darby, and then continued, while I from time to time anxiously looked +at my watch, stirred the fire, or fidgeted myself in twenty different +ways, in the hope of interrupting him; but all to no purpose. "Then you +see, sir, oncet upon a time an ould cock-turkey lived in the barony of +Brawny, or, let me see, was it in Inchebofin, or Tubbercleer?--faix! +an' it's myself forgets that same at the present writin',--but Jim +Gurn--you know Jim Gurn, yir honor, Jim Gurn the nailor that lives hard +by,--him that fought his black and tan t'other day 'gainst Tim Fagan's +silver-hackle,--oh! Jim is the boy that'll tell ye the _ins_ and _outs_ +of it any day yir honor wud pay him a visit, 'caze Jim's in the way of +it. Well, as I was relatin', the turkey was a parson's bird, and as +proud as Lucifer, bein' used to the best of livin'; while the gander was +only a poor _commoner_, for he was a _Roman_, and _oblidged_ to live +upon what he could get by the road-side. These two fowls, yir honor, +never could agree any how,--never could put up their horses together on +any blessed pint,--till one day a big row happened betwune them, when +the gander challenged the turkey to a steeple-chase across the country, +day and dark, for twenty-four hours. Well, to my surprise,--tho' I +wasn't there at the time, but Jim Gurn was, who gave me the whole +history,--to my surprise, the turkey didn't say _no_ to it, but was +quite agreeable all of a suddent; so away they started from Jim Gurn's +dunghill one Sunday after mass, for the gander wouldn't stir a step +afore prayers. Well, to be sure, to give the divil his due, the turkey +took the lead in fine style, and was soon clane out of sight; but the +gander kept movin' on, no ways downhearted, after him. About night-fall +it was his business to pass through an ould archway acrass the road; +and as he was stoopin' his head to get under it,--for yir honor knows a +gander will stoop his head under a doorway if it was only as high as the +moon,--who should he see comfortably sated in an ivy bush but the turkey +himself, tucked in for the night. The gander, winkin' to himself, says, +'Is it there ye are, honey?'--but he kept never mindin' him for all +that, but only walked bouldly on to his journey's end, where he arrived +safe and sound next day, afore the turkey was out of his first sleep: +'caze why, ye see, sir, a goose or a gander will travel all night; but +in respect of a turkey, once the day falls in, divil another inch of +ground he'll put his futt to, barrin' it's to roost in a tree or the +rafters of a cow-house! Oh! maybe the parson's bird wasn't ashamed of +himself! Jim Gurn says he never held his head up afterward, tho' to be +sure he hadn't long to fret, for Christmas was nigh at hand, and he had +to stand sentry by the kitchen fire one day without his body-clothes +'till he could bear it no longer; so they _dished_ him _intirely_. +_Them_ that _ett_ him said he was as tough as leather, no doubt from the +grief: but, divil's cure to him! what bisness had he to be so proud of +himself, the spalpeen!" + +Darby _at length_ came to a pause. I paused also for a minute to +understand the application of his anecdote; but it was evident: he +wished to impress me by his parable that he was fitted for the task I +had allotted him; so I inquired what money he would want on the road. + +"Maybe yir honor wouldn't think half-a-crown too much? said he +diffidently. + +"Half-a-crown!" exclaimed I, amazed at the modesty of his demand: "here +are ten shillings; and, if you be quick in your errand, I will give you +something extra on your return." + +"Musha, an' long life to yir honor!" said Darby, scraping the carpet +again; "may the grass never grow on the pathway to yir dwellin', nor a +baste or Christian ever die belongin' t' ye, barrin' it's for the use of +the kitchen!" + +"Well, now prepare for the road," said I impatiently, "and be off at +once." + +"An' that I will, sir, in the twinklin' of a bedstead; only, you see, +I've just got to run up to Tim Fallon the barber's to take the stubble +off of my chin. Tim--(you know Tim Fallon, yir honor.)--Tim won't keep +me long, anyhow, for it's late in the day, and his tongue must be dry +by this; but if ye wud hear him of a mornin, oh! it's a _trate_, for +Tim was once a play-acthur afore he grew a barber, an' by that same a +good barber he is. Did he ever _lather_ yir honor?"--I made no reply. +"After that," continued Darby, "I'll just step home and put on my Sunday +clothes, and then won't I be as fresh as a two-year ould to do yir +honor's biddin'!" + +"Well, well, lose no time," said I impatiently. + +"Sorrow a minute," said Darby: "I'll be there and back agin in the shoot +of a wishin' star. Maybe yir honor knows what a wishin' star is?"--I +shook my head. "Well, then," continued Darby, "yir honor, no doubt, has +been out o'doors of a fine starlight night?"--I nodded assent. "Well +then, agin, I'll tell ye what a wishin' star is. Did ye ever sit yir +heart upon havin' of anything sir?" "Yes," said I morosely.--"Might I +be so bould as to ax in regard to what, sir?" inquired Darby.--"Why, +in regard, as you call it, to the letter I have given you just now," +replied I; "I wish to have it delivered as quickly as possible." + +"Oh! that bein' the case, sir," said Darby somewhat disconcerted, "I'm +off at once."--"At once be it, then," said I, opening the door for +him.--"I've only, then, to give the letther, sir," said he lingeringly, +"to the gentleman at the clargy's? But ye didn't tell me whether it +was the priest or the parson he's stoppin' with."--"The parson," said +I, with all the patience I could command.--"Oh, very well, sir. God +take care of ye till I come back!" So saying, he shut the door after +him; but, before I could seat myself in my chair, he opened it again, +inquiring "If he left his hat in the drawin'-room?" The only answer +I made was by taking up the _caubeen_, which lay on the carpet, and +flinging it in his face, out of all patience. "Thank yir honor," said +Darby, and retired again, as I hoped, to proceed on his journey, +But, alas! I was mistaken. Five minutes had scarcely elapsed when he +presented himself once more, with a request that I might allow him to +take _Squib_, my pointer dog, with him as a companion. "The road's so +drary," said he, "by one's self, you know, yir honour."--"Well, take +him, in God's name," said I, hastily shutting the door after him, and +glad to be rid of him at any concession. + +I again resumed my seat, and opened the volume I had been reading; but +I had not got through more than twenty or thirty pages of marvellous +matter, when I thought I heard Darby's voice in the yard. On going to +the window, I found that it was indeed _he_, and "_as spruce as a Scotch +fir_," to use one of his own expressions. + +"Not gone yet!" exclaimed I, furiously throwing up the sash. But it +was of no use, for he replied with the most perfect coolness, "Oh, +yes, sir, I _was_ gone half an hour ago; only, you see, I've come back +for the _clieve_ that's to carry _Squib_ to the place where he'll +find divarsion in runnin' about in the pleasure-grounds hard by Squire +Markhim's inclosure; 'twould kill the baste (God pard'n me for callin' +him so, for he's more like a Christian,) to walk him so far: and maybe +I'll not bring ye home a brace or two of birds that he'll point at +without seein', and a _blue peter_ or so, if yir honor wud only just +give me a charge or two of powder and shot." + +"Do you wish to get into the hands of the police?" said I. + +"Ah! then, is it the Peelers," said Darby contemptuously, "that yir +honor manes? Divil a one o' them will be out of his _flay_-park by +the time I'm crossing the _Callas_ with Squib and Pat Fagan's ould +carbine, that he'll lend me out o' the bog-hole, where he keeps it from +the rust and the guagers: and sure, while we're oilin' it with a bit +of goose-grace, that it mayn't burst intirely the first goin' off, I +can have a bit of gossip with the ould woman in the chimly corner over +the _greeshah_, and find out everything about the gintleman in the +neighb'rhood that I'm takin' the letther to; for poor Katty Fagan, ever +since she lost the brindled heifer, and young Jemmeen her grandson, that +they cut out for a priest, and another calf that she won at a weddin' +raffle, all in the typhus s_a_son,--you recollect the typhus, yir honor?" + +"Oh, curse you and the typhus together!" said I.--"Well, an' it's myself +that never could spake a good word for it either, masther, bad look to +'t!" said Darby: "but, be that as it may, ever since that time Katty +knows more of every other body's bisness nor her own; so I'll lose +nothin' by callin' to ax her how she is at laste, thov' it is a mile or +two out o' my way." + +By this time, reader, you may conclude my power of endurance was pretty +nigh exhausted; so, raking down a pair of pistols that hung over the +fire-place, I said, "The only powder and shot, my good fellow, that I +can spare you at present, are contained in these two barrels; you are +welcome to them, and shall have them on the spot, if you do not depart +immediately!"--"Ah! then it's myself that wud _depart_ imm_a_diately, +sure enough, sir," said Darby, "if yir honor wud only pull the trigger; +but keep yir hands off o' them, masther avick, for, charge or no charge, +they might go aff and spile my beauty for ever: the divil, they say, +can fire an empty charge as well as a full one!"--"Well, then," said I, +"take your choice: _go off_ this moment, or one of these shall!"--"Oh, +then, sure that's no choice at all, at all, sir," replied Darby; "so I +suppose I must go my ways. Well, then, wid ye be wid ye, for I can't +always be wid ye. Is there anything else I can do for ye, sir, on the +road?"--"Nothing," said I: "begone!"--"Thank ye, sir," said he, and +retired. + +"Thank Heaven!" said I, "the fellow has at last set out on his +journey." So I again turned to the marvellous volume, and was about +halfway through the pedestrian exploits of Collier and his sister, +who, to use the words of the writer, "thought nothing of putting a pot +of _pink-eyes_ down to boil, and _stepping_ to the next market-town +(about nine miles distant) for a halfpenny-worth of salt (returning, +too, again) before the white horses were on the praties," when +Eileen presented herself in such a convulsion of laughter that it +was some moments before she could reply to my question of "What's +the matter?" At length, terminating with a long-drawn sigh, and her +usual "_widdy-eelish_," she replied, "Nothing's the matter, sir; +only--only--" (laughing again) "only Darby, sir."--"Darby!" exclaimed +I, "what of _him_?"--"He wants to know, sir," said she, "if you will +allow him to take a _horse_ with him."--"A _horse_!" exclaimed I; "devil +take the fellow! what does he mean?"--"Why, I mane, to be sure," said +Darby from the bottom of the stairs, at the same time at the top of +his voice, "a _horse_ from the young ash-plants in the ould garden. +I'll cut the crookedest I can find, though a straight one would do me +betther."--"What is it he wants?" said I, turning to Eileen, who was +in a perfect _kink_ of laughter.--"Oh! widdy-eelish," replied she, "I +suppose the crather means a pole to help him over the bogs."--"Let me +talk to the rascal myself," said I, going to the door in a deuce of a +rage. + +"Yir sarvant, sir," said Darby, taking his hat off and making a scrape +that cost _him_ his equilibrium, and _me_ my gravity, for I could not +but sympathise with Eileen's outrageous laughter. "Is it possible that +you are here yet?" inquired I, endeavouring to be as severe as possible. + +"Oh, never fear, sir, but I'll be off presently," said he: "my walk's +waitin' for me on the road; I'll overtake it imm_a_diately." + +"I'm sorry that you have undertaken it at all," said I in a tone of +unusual displeasure. + +"Undertaken, sir! undertake--undertaker!" said Darby rather indignantly; +"I never was an undertaker but oncet, and that was at my ould father's +funeral, when I was one of the nine bearers. That was a beautiful sight, +to be sure," said he, kindling into rapture as he proceeded; "Ah! that +was the beautiful sight, agrah! I seen many a lord's berrin', but none +to come up to that. Oh! it would do any one's heart good to see us +walkin' in _possession_ to the Abbey,--it was so d_a_cent, and all of a +piece, like a magpie, white and black from beginnin' to end! Oh! it was +a beautiful sight, anyhow," added he with a deep sigh. + +"Did you, then, rejoice in your father's death?" said I harshly. + +"Why, not exactly rejoice in his death," replied Darby, wiping away a +tear from his already suffused eye, "for he was a kind ould body to them +he liked, though he didn't sp_a_ke to me good or bad for three years +afore he died: but never mind; maybe I wasn't hearty at his wake!" + +"At his wake!" said I, with a look of disgust. + +"Yes, yir honor!" replied he after a pause of surprise,--"at his wake, +to be sure; and where can a body be so alive to fun of all sorts as at +a well-conducted dead body's wake? Isn't there smokin', and drinkin', +and story-tellin', and now and then a bit of dancin' in the other room +with the young ones, to shake off the grief, eh? And didn't I get seven +goold guineas from 'Turney Gubbins, that was one of his exec_u_tors, and +the ould mare that used to take him from town to town when he took to +_fair_ bisness, and the bracket hen that lays yir honor's eggs now, that +was the mother of all the p_a_ceable fightin' cocks in the county; and, +moreover, his white waistcoat and breeches when he was in the Yeomen, +that Ned Fallon the tailor says he'll die any day for me into a second +mournin'?" + +"And what did you with the seven guineas?" said I: "did you turn them to +any account?" + +"Oh, the Lord bless yir honor!" said Darby sheepishly; "it's very hard +to know what to do with a large sum of money now-a-days: it's dangerous +keepin' by you, you know, sir; so _I put it out to interest_!" + +"And pray what security did you get?" said I, suspecting something, from +the fellow's roguish leer. + +"Security, sir?" said Darby; "they tould me it was _collatheral_, I +think, yir honor; _collatheral_ was the word." + +"_Collateral_!" said I, somewhat surprised at his knowledge of the term. + +"Yes, sir," replied he, scratching his head with one hand, and thrusting +the other into his breeches pocket, "_I laid it out in_ HOUSES. But, for +all that, half an hour afore I die I'll have as much money as'll do me +all the days o' my life!" + +I could not but smile at the fellow's satirical humour upon his own +folly; and, as it was the first time I had ever admitted him to such +familiar converse, I patiently listened while he continued to tell me +how he "ran through his fortune" in less than three weeks; hoping, +however, that he would soon make an end of his recital, and set out with +my letter, for the day now began to decline. + +"You see, yir honor, this was the way it happened," said Darby. +"_Nawthin'_ would save me but I should give a TAY-PARTY at the Three +Blacks one evenin' after a hurlin'-match--Did yir honor ever hurl a bit? +Oh! then sure it's the finest divarsion that any one cud sit his mind +upon, barrin' it doesn't ind in a row, as mostly for the best part it +does. But never mind that,--it's fine fun, anyhow; though by it I _did_ +get this _clink_ on the nose, that made me lave off snuff-takin' ever +since as a dirty habit! Oh! a hurlin'-match is a grate sight, and many a +good clergy I've seen strip to the work. There was Father M'Gauvran--yir +honor has heard of Father M'Gauvran, that got a son an' heir for Pat Mac +Gavany, by givin' his wife an ould _surplus_ that he had by him for some +time? Oh! it would raise the cockles of yir heart to see how he _wud_ +whip a ball along. He was a _grate_ hurler, anyhow; _he_ was the boy at +the _bawke_!" + +Conceiving that Darby would not terminate before midnight (if he ever +would at all), I interrupted him, saying, "When you return, I shall +be very happy to hear the particulars of your TAY-PARTY, but for the +present I must decline the narrative. Set out, if you mean to go: when +you come back, I will listen vary attentively to the whole recital." + +"Oh, then I suppose I'm tiring yir honor! But stop a bit,--I'll be here +in the turn of a snipe;" saying which, he disappeared. I had not been +long left to my own reflections before he came up stairs, and, without +any of his previous knocks and delays, he entered my room hurriedly, +and, throwing down a small book on the table before me, said, "There, +sir; I hope _that_ will amuse you while I am away: it's an account of my +_tay-party_, by _Lame_ Kelly the poet, that wudn't get drunk that night +_acause_ he sed he wud write it afore his next sleep. Read it, masther," +said Darby; "and never mind the jokes upon me."--"Go your ways," said +I.--"I've only _one_ way to go, sir," said Darby.--"Well, then," said +I, "in God's name take _that_."--"In God's name be it, then," replied +Darby, and ultimately left me. + + + + + SHAKSPEARE PAPERS.--No. II. + + JAQUES. + + "As he passed through the fields, + and saw the animals around him,--'Ye,' said he, + 'are happy, and need not envy me that walk thus among + you burthened with myself; nor do I, ye gentle beings, + envy your felicity, for it is not the felicity of man. + I have many distresses from which ye are free; I fear + pain when I do not feel it; I sometimes shrink at evils + recollected, and sometimes start at evils anticipated. + Surely the equity of Providence has balanced peculiar + sufferings with peculiar enjoyments.' + + "With observations like these the prince + amused himself as he returned, uttering them with a + plaintive voice, yet with a look that discovered him + to feel some complacence in his own perspicacity, and + to receive some solace of the miseries of life from + consciousness of the delicacy with which he felt, and + the eloquence with which he bewailed them."--RASSELAS, + chap. ii. + +This remark of Dr. Johnson on the consolation derived by his hero from +the eloquence with which he gave vent to his complaints is perfectly +just, but just only in such cases as those of Rasselas. The misery that +can be expressed in flowing periods cannot be of more importance than +that experienced by the Abyssinian prince enclosed in the Happy Valley. +His greatest calamity was no more than that he could not leave a place +in which all the luxuries of life were at his command. But, as old +Chremes says in the Heautontimorumenos, + + "Miserum? quem minus credere 'st? + Quid reliqui 'st, quin habeat, quæ quidem in homine dicuntur bona? + Parentes, patriam incolumem, amicos, genu', cognatos, divitias: + Atque hæc perinde sunt ut illius animus qui ea possidet; + Qui uti scit, ei bona; illi, qui non utitur rectè, mala."[97] + +On which, as + + "Plain truth, dear Bentley, needs no arts of speech," + +I cannot do better than transcribe the commentary of Hickie, or some +other grave expositor from whose pages he has transferred it to his own. +"'Tis certain that the real enjoyment arising from external advantages +depends wholly upon the situation of the mind of him who possesses them; +for if he chance to labour under any secret anguish, this destroys all +relish; or, if he know not how to use them for valuable purposes, they +are so far from being of any service to him, that they often turn to +real misfortunes." It is of no consequence that this profound reflection +is nothing to the purpose in the place where it appears, because Chremes +is not talking of any secret anguish, but of the use or abuse made of +advantages according to the disposition of the individual to whom they +have been accorded; and the anguish of Clinia was by no means secret. +He feared the perpetual displeasure of his father, and knew not whether +absence might not have diminished or alienated the affections of the +lady on whose account he had abandoned home and country; but the general +proposition of the sentence cannot be denied. A "fatal remembrance"--to +borrow a phrase from one of the most beautiful of Moore's melodies--may +render a life, apparently abounding in prosperity, wretched and unhappy, +as the vitiation of a single humour of the eye casts a sickly and +unnatural hue over the gladsome meadow, or turns to a lurid light the +brilliancy of the sunniest skies. + +Rasselas and Jaques have no secret anguish to torment them, no real +cares to disturb the even current of their tempers. To get rid of the +prince first:--His sorrow is no more than that of the starling in the +Sentimental Journey. He cannot get out. He is discontented, because he +has not the patience of Wordsworth's nuns, who fret not in their narrow +cells; or of Wordsworth's muse, which murmurs not at being cribbed and +confined to a sonnet. He wants the philosophy of that most admirable of +all jail-ditties,--and will not reflect that + + "Every island is a prison, + Close surrounded by the sea; + Kings and princes, for that reason, + Prisoners are as well as we." + +And as his calamity is, after all, very tolerable,--as many a sore heart +or a wearied mind, buffeting about amid the billows and breakers of the +external world, would feel but too happy to exchange conditions with him +in his safe haven of rest,--it is no wonder that the weaving of sonorous +sentences of easily soothed sorrow should be the extent of the mental +afflictions of Rasselas, Prince of Abyssinia. + +Who or what Jaques was before he makes his appearance in the forest, +Shakspeare does not inform us,--any farther than that he had been a +_roué_ of considerable note, as the Duke tells him, when he proposes to + + "Cleanse the foul body of the infected world, + If they will patiently receive my medicine. + _Duke._ Fie on thee! I can tell what thou wouldst do. + _Jaques._ What, for a counter, would I do but good? + _Duke._ Most mischievous foul sin, in chiding sin; + For thou thyself hast been a libertine + As sensual as the brutish sting itself; + And all the embossed sores and headed evils + That thou with licence of free foot hast caught, + Wouldst thou disgorge into the general world." + +This, and that he was one of the three or four loving lords who put +themselves into voluntary exile with the old Duke, leaving their lands +and revenues to enrich the new one, who therefore gave them good leave +to wander, is all we know about him, until he is formally announced to +us as the melancholy Jaques. The very announcement is a tolerable proof +that he is not soul-stricken in any material degree. When Rosalind tells +him that he is considered to be a melancholy fellow, he is hard put to +it to describe in what his melancholy consists. "I have," he says, + + "Neither the scholar's melancholy, which + Is emulation; nor the musician's, which is + Fantastical; nor the courtier's which is proud; + Nor the soldier's, + Which is ambitious; nor the lawyer's, which + Is politic; nor the lady's, which is nice; + Nor the lover's, which is all these: but it is + A melancholy of mine own, compounded + Of many simples, extracted from many objects, + And indeed + The sundry contemplation of my travels, + In which my often rumination wraps me + In a most humorous sadness."[98] + +He is nothing more than an idle gentleman given to musing, and making +invectives against the affairs of the world, which are more remarkable +for the poetry of their style and expression than the pungency of their +satire. His famous description of the seven ages of man is that of a +man who has seen but little to complain of in his career through life. +The sorrows of his infant are of the slightest kind, and he notes that +it is taken care of in a nurse's lap. The griefs of his schoolboy are +confined to the necessity of going to school; and he, too, has had an +anxious hand to attend to him. His shining morning face reflects the +superintendence of one--probably a mother--interested in his welfare. +The lover is tortured by no piercing pangs of love, his woes evaporating +themselves musically in a ballad of his own composition, written not to +his mistress, but fantastically addressed to her eyebrow. The soldier +appears in all the pride and the swelling hopes of his spirit-stirring +trade, + + "Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel, + Seeking the bubble reputation + Even in the cannon's mouth." + +The fair round belly of the justice lined with good capon lets us know +how he has passed his life. He is full of ease, magisterial authority, +and squirely dignity. The lean and slippered pantaloon, and the dotard +sunk into second childishness, have suffered only the common lot of +humanity, without any of the calamities that embitter the unavoidable +malady of old age.[99] All the characters in Jaques's sketch are well +taken care of. The infant is nursed; the boy educated; the youth +tormented with no greater cares than the necessity of hunting after +rhymes to please the ear of a lady, whose love sits so lightly upon him +as to set him upon nothing more serious than such a self-amusing task; +the man in prime of life is engaged in gallant deeds, brave in action, +anxious for character, and ambitious of fame; the man in declining years +has won the due honours of his rank, he enjoys the luxuries of the +table and dispenses the terrors of the bench; the man of age still more +advanced is well to do in the world. If his shank be shrunk, it is not +without hose and slipper,--if his eyes be dim, they are spectacled,--if +his years have made him lean, they have gathered for him wherewithal to +fatten the pouch by his side. And when this strange eventful history is +closed by the penalties paid by men who live too long, Jaques does not +tell us that the helpless being, + + "Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything," + +is left unprotected in his helplessness. + +Such pictures of life do not proceed from a man very heavy at heart. Nor +can it be without design that they are introduced into this especial +place. The moment before, the famished Orlando has burst in upon the +sylvan meal of the Duke, brandishing a naked sword, demanding with +furious threat food for himself and his helpless companion, + + "Oppressed with two weak evils, age and hunger." + +The Duke, struck with his earnest appeal, cannot refrain from comparing +the real suffering which he witnesses in Orlando with that which is +endured by himself and his "co-mates, and partners in exile." Addressing +Jaques, he says, + + "Thou seest we are not all alone unhappy. + This wide and universal theatre + Presents more woful pageants than the scene + Wherein we play in."[100] + +But the spectacle and the comment upon it lightly touch Jaques, and +he starts off at once into a witty and poetic comparison of the real +drama of the world with the mimic drama of the stage, in which, with +the sight of well-nurtured youth driven to the savage desperation of +periling his own life, and assailing that of others,--and of weakly +old age lying down in the feeble but equally resolved desperation of +dying by the wayside, driven to this extremity by sore fatigue and +hunger,--he diverts himself and his audience, whether in the forest or +theatre, on the stage or in the closet, with graphic descriptions of +human life; not one of them, proceeding as they do from the lips of the +_melancholy_ Jaques, presenting a single point on which true melancholy +can dwell. Mourning over what cannot be avoided must be in its essence +common-place: and nothing has been added to the lamentations over the +ills brought by the flight of years since Moses, the man of God,[101] +declared the concluding period of protracted life to be a period of +labour and sorrow;--since Solomon, or whoever else writes under the +name of the Preacher, in a passage which, whether it is inspired or +not, is a passage of exquisite beauty, warned us to provide in youth, +"while the evil days come not, nor the years draw nigh when thou shalt +say, I have no pleasure in them; while the sun, or the light, or the +moon, or the stars be not darkened, nor the clouds return after the +rain: in the day when the keepers of the house shall tremble, and the +strong men shall bow themselves, and the grinders cease because they +are few, and those that look out of the windows be darkened, and the +doors shall be shut in the streets, when the sound of the grinding +is low, and he shall rise up at the voice of the bird, and all the +daughters of music shall be brought low; also when they shall be +afraid of that which is high, and fears shall be in the way, and the +almond-tree shall flourish, and the grasshopper shall be a burthen, +and desire shall fail: because man goeth to his long home, and the +mourners go about the streets: or ever the silver cord be loosed, or +the golden bowl be broken, or the pitcher be broken at the fountain, +or the wheel broken at the cistern;"--or, to make a shorter quotation, +since Homer summed up all these ills by applying to old age the epithet +of [Greek: lygros],--a word which cannot be translated, but the force +of which must be felt. Abate these unavoidable misfortunes, and the +catalogue of Jaques is that of happy conditions. In his visions there +is no trace of the child doomed to wretchedness before its very birth; +no hint that such a thing could occur as its being made an object of +calculation, one part medical, three parts financial, to the starveling +surgeon, whether by the floating of the lungs, or other test equally +fallacious and fee-producing, the miserable mother may be convicted of +doing that which, before she had attempted, all that is her soul of +woman must have been torn from its uttermost roots, when in an agony of +shame and dread the child that was to have made her forget her labour +was committed to the cesspool. No hint that the days of infancy should +be devoted to the damnation of a factory, or to the tender mercies of a +parish beadle. No hint that philosophy should come forward armed with +the panoply offensive and defensive of logic and eloquence, to prove +that the inversion of all natural relations was just and wise,--that the +toil of childhood was due to the support of manhood,--that those hours, +the very labours of which even the etymologists give to recreation, +should be devoted to those wretched drudgeries which seem to split +the heart of all but those who derive from them blood-stained money, +or blood-bedabbled applause. Jaques sees not Greensmith squeezing his +children by the throat until they die. He hears not the supplication of +the hapless boy begging his still more hapless father for a moment's +respite, ere the fatal handkerchief is twisted round his throat by the +hand of him to whom he owed his being. Jaques thinks not of the baby +deserted on the step of the inhospitable door, of the shame of the +mother, of the disgrace of the parents, of the misery of the forsaken +infant. His boy is at school, his soldier in the breach, his elder on +the justice-seat. Are these the woes of life? Is there no neglected +creature left to himself or to the worse nurture of others, whose trade +it is to corrupt,--who will teach him what was taught to swaggering Jack +Chance, found on Newgate steps, and educated at the venerable seminary +of St. Giles's Pound, where + + "They taught him to drink, and to thieve, and fight, + And everything else but to read and write." + +Is there no stripling short of commons, but abundant in the supply +of the strap or the cudgel?--no man fighting through the world in +fortuneless struggles, and occupied by cares or oppressed by wants more +stringent than those of love?--or in love itself does the current of +that bitter passion never run less smooth than when sonnets to a lady's +eyebrow are the prime objects of solicitude?--or may not even he who +began with such sonneteering have found something more serious and sad, +something more heart-throbbing and soul-rending, in the progress of his +passion? Is the soldier melancholy in the storm and whirlwind of war? +Is the gallant confronting of the cannon a matter to be complained of? +The dolorous flight, the trampled battalion, the broken squadron, the +lost battle, the lingering wound, the ill-furnished hospital, the unfed +blockade, hunger and thirst, and pain, and fatigue, and mutilation, and +cold, and rout, and scorn, and slight,--services neglected, unworthy +claims preferred, life wasted, or honour tarnished,--are all passed by! +In peaceful life we have no deeper misfortune placed before us than that +it is not unusual that a justice of peace may be prosy in remark and +trite in illustration. Are there no other evils to assail us through the +agony of life? And when the conclusion comes, how far less tragic is the +portraiture of mental imbecility, if considered as a state of misery +than as one of comparative happiness, as escaping a still worse lot! +Crabbe is sadder far than Jaques, when, after his appalling description +of the inmates of a workhouse,--(what would Crabbe have written +_now_?)--he winds up by showing to us amid its victims two persons as +being + + "_happier_ far than they, + The moping idiot, and the madman gay." + +If what he here sums up as the result of his life's observations on +mankind be all that calls forth the melancholy of the witty and eloquent +speaker, he had not much to complain of. Mr. Shandy lamenting in sweetly +modulated periods, because his son has been christened Tristram instead +of Trismegistus, is as much an object of condolence. Jaques has just +seen the aspect of famine, and heard the words of despair; the Duke +has pointed out to him the consideration that more woful and practical +calamities exist than even the exile of princes and the downfall of +lords; and he breaks off into a light strain of satire, fit only for +jesting comedy. Trim might have rebuked him as he rebuked the prostrate +Mr. Shandy, by reminding him that there are other things to make us +melancholy in the world: and nobody knew it better, or could say it +better, than he in whose brain was minted the hysteric passion of Lear +choked by his button,--the farewell of victorious Othello to all the +pomp, pride, and circumstance of glorious war,--the tears of Richard +over the submission of roan Barbary to Bolingbroke,--the demand of Romeo +that the Mantuan druggist should supply him with such soon-speeding gear +that will rid him of hated life + + "As violently as hasty powder fired + Doth hurry from the fatal cannon's womb,"-- + +the desolation of Antony,--the mourning of Henry over sire slain by +son, and son by sire,--or the despair of Macbeth. I say nothing of the +griefs of Constance, or Isabel, or Desdemona, or Juliet, or Ophelia, +because in the sketches of Jaques he passes by all allusion to women; a +fact which of itself is sufficient to prove that his melancholy was but +in play,--was nothing more than what Arthur remembered when he was in +France, where + + "Young gentlemen would be as sad as night, + Only for wantonness." + +Shakespeare well knew that there is no true pathetic, nothing that can +permanently lacerate the heart, and embitter the speech, unless a woman +be concerned. It is the legacy left us by Eve. The tenor of man's woe, +says Milton, with a most ungallant and grisly pun, is still from _wo_-man +to begin; and he who will give himself a few moments to reflect will +find that the stern trigamist is right. On this, however, I shall not +dilate. I may perhaps have something to say, as we go on, of the ladies +of Shakspeare. For the present purpose, it is enough to remark with +Trim, that there are many real griefs to make a man lie down and cry, +without troubling ourselves with those which are put forward by the +poetic mourner in the forest of Arden. + +Different indeed is the sight set before the eyes of Adam in the great +poem just referred to, when he is told to look upon the miseries +which the fall of man has entailed upon his descendants. Far other +than the scenes that flit across this melancholy man by profession +are those evoked by Michael in the visionary lazar-house. It would be +ill-befitting, indeed, that the merry note of the sweet bird warbling +freely in the glade should be marred by discordant sounds of woe, +cataloguing the dreary list of disease, + + "All maladies + Of ghastly spasm, or racking torture, qualms + Of heartsick agony, all feverous kinds, + Convulsions, epilepsies, fierce catarrhs, + Intestine stone and ulcer, colic pangs, + Demoniac frenzy, moping melancholy, + Marasmus, and wide-wasting pestilence, + Dropsies, and asthmas, and joint-racking rheums;" + +while, amid the dire tossing and deep groans of the sufferers, + + "----Despair + Tended the sick, busiest from couch to couch; + And over them triumphant Death his dart + Shook, but delayed to strike." + +And equally ill-befitting would be any serious allusion to those +passions and feelings which in their violence or their anguish +render the human bosom a lazar-house filled with maladies of the +mind as racking and as wasting as those of the body, and call forth +a supplication for the releasing blow of Death as the final hope, +with an earnestness as desperate, and cry as loud as ever arose from +the tenement, sad, noisome, and dark, which holds the joint-racked +victims of physical disease. Such themes should not sadden the festive +banquet in the forest. The Duke and his co-mates and partners in exile, +reconciled to their present mode of life, ["I would not change it," says +Amiens, speaking, we may suppose, the sentiments of all,] and successful +in having plucked the precious jewel, content, from the head of ugly and +venomous Adversity, are ready to bestow their woodland fare upon real +suffering, but in no mood to listen to the heart-rending descriptions of +sorrows graver than those which form a theme for the discourses which +Jaques in mimic melancholy contributes to their amusement. + +Shakspeare designed him to be a maker of fine sentences,--a dresser +forth in sweet language of the ordinary common-places or the +common-place mishaps of mankind, and he takes care to show us that +he did not intend him for anything beside. With what admirable art +he is confronted with Touchstone. He enters merrily laughing at the +pointless philosophising of the fool in the forest. His lungs crow like +chanticleer when he hears him moralizing over his dial, and making the +deep discovery that ten o'clock has succeeded nine, and will be followed +by eleven. When Touchstone himself appears, we do not find in his own +discourse any touches of such deep contemplation. He is shrewd, sharp, +worldly, witty, keen, gibing, observant. It is plain that he has been +mocking Jaques; and, as is usual, the mocked thinks himself the mocker. +If one has moralized the spectacle of a wounded deer into a thousand +similes, comparing his weeping into the stream to the conduct of +worldlings in giving in their testaments the sum of more to that which +had too much,--his abandonment, to the parting of the flux of companions +from misery,--the sweeping by of the careless herd full of the pasture, +to the desertion of the poor and broken bankrupt by the fat and greasy +citizens,--and so forth; if such have been the common-places of Jaques, +are they not fitly matched by the common-places of Touchstone upon his +watch? It is as high a stretch of fancy that brings the reflection how + + "----from hour to hour we ripe and ripe, + And then from hour to hour we rot and rot, + And thereby hangs a tale," + +which is scoffed at by Jaques, as that which dictates his own +moralizings on the death of the deer. The motley fool is as wise as the +melancholy lord whom he is parodying. The shepherd Corin, who replies +to the courtly quizzing of Touchstone by such apophthegms as that "it +is the property of rain to wet, and of fire to burn," is unconsciously +performing the same part to the clown, as _he_ had been designedly +performing to Jaques. Witty nonsense is answered by dull nonsense, as +the emptiness of poetry had been answered by the emptiness of prose. +There was nothing sincere in the lamentation over the wounded stag. It +was only used as a peg on which to hang fine concepts. Had Falstaff +seen the deer, his imagination would have called up visions of haunches +and pasties, preluding an everlasting series of cups of sack among the +revel riot of boon companions, and he would have instantly ordered +its throat to be cut. If it had fallen in the way of Friar Lawrence, +the mild-hearted man of herbs would have endeavoured to extract the +arrow, heal the wound, and let the hart ungalled go free. Neither would +have thought the hairy fool a subject for reflections, which neither +relieved the wants of man nor the pains of beast. Jaques complains of +the injustice and cruelty of killing deer, but unscrupulously sits down +to dine upon venison, and sorrows over the sufferings of the native +burghers of the forest city, without doing anything further than amusing +himself with rhetorical flourishes drawn from the contemplation of the +pain which he witnesses with professional coolness and unconcern. + +It is evident, in short, that the happiest days of his life are those +which he is spending in the forest. His raking days are over, and he is +tired of city dissipation. He has shaken hands with the world, finding, +with Cowley, that "he and it would never agree." To use an expression +somewhat vulgar, he has had his fun for his money; and he thinks the +bargain so fair and conclusive on both sides, that he has no notion of +opening another. His mind is relieved of a thousand anxieties which +beset him in the court, and he breathes freely in the forest. The iron +has not entered into his soul; nothing has occurred to chase sleep from +his eyelids; and his fantastic reflections are, as he himself takes +care to tell us, but general observations on the ordinary and outward +manners and feelings of mankind,--a species of taxing which + + "----like a wild-goose flies, + Unclaim'd of any man." + +Above all, in having abandoned station, and wealth, and country, to join +the faithful few who have in evil report clung manfully to their prince, +he knows that he has played a noble and an honourable part; and they +to whose lot it may have fallen to experience the happiness of having +done a generous, disinterested, or self-denying action,--or sacrificed +temporary interests to undying principle,--or shown to the world +without, that what are thought to be its great advantages can be flung +aside, or laid aside, when they come in collision with the feelings and +passions of the world within,--will be perfectly sure that Jaques, reft +of land, and banished from court, felt himself exalted in his own eyes, +and therefore easy of mind, whether he was mourning in melodious blank +verse, or weaving jocular parodies on the canzonets of the good-humoured +Amiens. + +He was happy "under the greenwood tree." Addison I believe it is who +says, that all mankind have an instinctive love of country and woodland +scenery, and he traces it to a sort of dim recollection imprinted upon +us of our original haunt, the garden of Eden. It is at all events +certain, that, from the days when the cedars of Lebanon supplied images +to the great poets of Jerusalem, to that in which the tall tree haunted +Wordsworth "as a passion," the forest has caught a strong hold of the +poetic mind. It is with reluctance that I refrain from quoting; but the +passages of surpassing beauty which crowd upon me from all times and +languages are too numerous. I know not which to exclude, and I have +not room for all; let me then take a bit of prose from one who never +indulged in poetry, and I think I shall make it a case in point. In a +little book called "Statistical Sketches of Upper Canada, for the use of +Emigrants, by a Backwoodsman," now lying before me, the author, after +describing the field-sports in Canada with a precision and a _goût_ +to be derived only from practice and zeal, concludes a chapter, most +appropriately introduced by a motto from the Lady of the Lake, + + "'Tis merry, 'tis merry in good greenwood, + When the mavis and merle are singing, + When the deer sweep by, and the hounds are in cry, + And the hunter's horn is ringing," + +by saying, + +"It is only since writing the above that I fell in with the first volume +of Moore's Life of Lord Edward Fitzgerald; and I cannot describe the +pleasure I received from reading his vivid, spirited, and accurate +description of the feelings he experienced on first taking on him the +life of a hunter. At an earlier period of life than Lord Edward had +then attained, I made my debut in the forest, and first assumed the +blanket-cloak and the rifle, the moccasin and the snowshoe; and the +ecstatic feeling of Arab-like independence, and the utter contempt for +the advantage and restrictions of civilization, which he describes, I +then felt in its fullest power. And even now, when my way off life, +like Macbeth's, is falling 'into the sere, the yellow leaf,' and +when a tropical climate, privation, disease, and thankless toil are +combining with advancing years to unstring a frame the strength of +which once set hunger, cold, and fatigue at defiance, and to undermine a +constitution that once appeared iron-bound, still I cannot lie down by +a fire in the woods without the elevating feeling which I experienced +formerly returning, though in a diminished degree. This must be human +nature;--for it is an undoubted fact, that no man who associates with +and follows the pursuits of the Indian, for any length of time, ever +voluntarily returns to civilized society. + +"What a companion in the woods Lord Edward must have been! and how +shocking to think that, with talents which would have made him at once +the idol and the ornament of his profession, and affections which must +have rendered him an object of adoration in all the relations of private +life,--with honour, with courage, with generosity, with every unit +that can at once ennoble and endear,--he should never have been taught +that there is a higher principle of action than the mere impulse of +the passions,--that he should never have learned, before plunging his +country into blood and disorder, to have weighed the means he possessed +with the end he proposed, or the problematical good with the certain +evil!--that he should have had Tom Paine for a tutor in religion and +politics, and Tom Moore for a biographer, to hold up as a pattern, +instead of warning, the errors and misfortunes of a being so noble,--to +subserve the revolutionary purposes of a faction, who, like Samson, are +pulling down a fabric which will bury both them and their enemies under +it." + +Never mind the aberrations of Lord Edward Fitzgerald, the religion or +the politics of Tom Paine, or the biography of Tom Moore. On all these +matters I may hold my own opinions, but they are not wanted now; but +have we not here the feelings of Jaques? Here are the gloomy expressions +of general sorrow over climate, privation, disease, thankless toil, +advancing years, unstrung frame. But here also we have ecstatic +emotions of Arab-like independence, generous reflections upon political +adversaries, and high-minded adherence to the views and principles which +in his honour and conscience he believed to be in all circumstances +inflexibly right, coming from the heart of a forest. The Backwoodsman is +Dunlop; and is he, in spite of this sad-sounding passage, melancholy? +Not he, in good sooth. The very next page to that which I have quoted is +a description of the pleasant mode of travelling in Canada, before the +march of improvement had made it comfortable and convenient.[102] + +"But your march of improvement is a sore destroyer of the romantic +and picturesque. A gentleman about to take such a journey now-a-days, +orders his servant to pack his portmanteau, and put it on board the +John Molson, or any of his family; and at the stated hour he marches +on board, the bell rings, the engine is put in motion, and away you go +smoking, and splashing, and walloping along, at the rate of ten knots +an hour, in the ugliest species of craft that ever disfigured a marine +landscape." + +Jaques was just as woe-begone as the Tyger, and no more. I remember when +he--Dunlop I mean, not Jaques--used to laugh at the phrenologists of +Edinburgh for saying, after a careful admeasurement, that his skull in +all points was exactly that of Shakspeare,--I suppose he will be equally +inclined to laugh when he finds who is the double an old companion has +selected for him. But no matter. His melancholy passes away not more +rapidly than that of Jaques; and I venture to say that the latter, if he +were existing in flesh and blood, would have no scruple in joining the +doctor this moment over the bowl of punch which I am sure he is brewing, +has brewed, or is about to brew, on the banks of Huron or Ontario. + +Whether he would or not, he departs from the stage with the grace and +easy elegance of a gentleman in heart and manners. He joins his old +antagonist the usurping Duke in his fallen fortunes; he had spurned +him in his prosperity: his restored friend he bequeaths to his former +honour, deserved by his patience and his virtue,--he compliments Oliver +on his restoration to his land, and love, and great allies,--wishes +Silvius joy of his long-sought and well-earned marriage,--cracks +upon Touchstone one of those good-humoured jests to which men of the +world on the eve of marriage must laughingly submit,--and makes his +bow. Same sage critics have discovered as a great geographical fault +in Shakspeare, that he introduces the tropical lion and serpent into +Arden, which, it appears, they have ascertained to lie in some temperate +zone. I wish them joy of their sagacity. Monsters more wonderful are +to be found in that forest; for never yet, since water ran and tall +tree bloomed, were there gathered together such a company as those who +compose the _dramatis personæ_ of "As You Like It." All the prodigies +spawned by Africa, "_leonum arida nutrix_," might well have teemed in +a forest, wherever situate, that was inhabited by such creatures as +Rosalind, Touchstone, and Jaques. + + * * * * * + + * * As to the question which opened these Papers,--why, I must + * leave it to the jury. Is the jesting, revelling, rioting + Falstaff, broken of fortunes, luckless in life, sunk in habits, + buffeting with the discreditable part of the world, or the + melancholy, mourning, complaining Jaques, honourable of conduct, + high in moral position, fearless of the future, and lying in the + forest away from trouble,--which of them, I say, feels more the + load of care? I think Shakspeare well knew, and depicted them + accordingly. But I must leave it to my readers, _si qui sunt_. + W. M. + +[97] It may be thus attempted in something like the metre of the + original, which the learned know by the sounding name of + Tetrameter Iambic Acatalectic: + + "Does Clinia talk of misery? Believe his idle tale who can? + What hinders it that he should have whate'er is counted good for + man,-- + His father's home, his native land, with wealth, and friends, and + kith and kin? + But all these blessings will be prized according to the mind + within: + Well used, the owner finds them good; if badly used, he deems them + ill. + _Cl._ Nay, but his sire was always stern, and even now I fear him + still," &c. + +[98] This is printed as prose, but assuredly it is blank verse. + The alteration of a syllable or two, which in the corrupt state of + the text of these plays is the slightest of all possible critical + licenses, would make it run perfectly smooth. At all events, in the + second line, "emulation" should be "emulative," to make it agree + with the other clauses of the sentence. The courtier's melancholy is + not _pride_, nor the soldier's _ambition_, &c. The adjective is used + throughout,--_fantastical_, _proud_, _ambitious_, _politic_, _nice_. + +[99] "Senectus ipsa est morbus."--Ter. Phorm. iv. i. 9. + +[100] Query _on_? "Where_in_ we play _in_" is tautological. "Wherein we + play _on_," _i.e._ "continue to play." + +[101] Psalm xc. "A prayer of Moses, the man of God," v. 10. + +[102] Formerly, that is to say, previous to the peace of 1815, a journey +between Quebec and Sandwich was an undertaking considerably more tedious +and troublesome than the voyage from London to Quebec. In the first +place, the commissariat of the expedition had to be cared for; and to +that end every gentleman who was liable to travel had, as a part of his +appointments, a provision basket, which held generally a cold round of +beef, tin plates and drinking-cups, tea, sugar, biscuits, and about a +gallon of brandy. These, with your wardrobe and a camp-bed, were stowed +away in a batteau, or flat-bottomed boat; and off you set with a crew +of seven stout, light-hearted, jolly, lively Canadians, who sung their +boat-songs all the time they could spare from smoking their pipe. You +were accompanied by a fleet of similar boats, called a brigade, the +crews of which assisted each other up the rapids, and at night put into +some creek, bay, or uninhabited island, where fires were lighted, tents +made of the sails, and the song, the laugh, and the shout were heard, +with little intermission, all the night through; and if you had the +felicity to have among the party a fifer or a fiddler, the dance was +sometimes kept up all night,--for, if a Frenchman has a fiddle, sleep +ceases to be a necessary of life with him. This mode of travelling +was far from being unpleasant, for there was something of romance and +adventure in it; and the scenes you witnessed, both by night and day, +were picturesque in the highest degree. But it was tedious; for you +were in great luck if you arrived at your journey's end in a month; and +if the weather were boisterous, or the wind a-head, you might be an +indefinite time longer. + + + + + FAMILY STORIES.--No. V.-- + HON. MR. SUCKLE-THUMBKIN'S STORY. + + THE EXECUTION. + A SPORTING ANECDOTE. + + My Lord Tomnoddy got up one day; + It was half after two, + He had nothing to do, + So his lordship rang for his cabriolet. + + Tiger Tim + Was clean of limb, + His boots were polished, his jacket was trim; + With a very smart tie in his smart cravat, + And a smart cockade on the top of his hat; + Tallest of boys, or shortest of men, + He stood in his stockings just four foot ten; + And he ask'd, as he held the door on the swing, + "Pray, did your lordship please to ring?" + + My Lord Tomnoddy he raised his head, + And thus to Tiger Tim he said, + "Malibran's dead, + Duvernay's fled, + Taglioni has not yet arriv'd in her stead; + Tiger Tim, come tell me true, + What may a nobleman find to do?" + + Tim look'd up, and Tim look'd down, + He paus'd, and he put on a thoughtful frown, + And he held up his hat, and peep'd in the crown, + He bit his lip, and he scratch'd his head, + He let go the handle, and thus he said, + As the door, releas'd, behind him bang'd, + "An't please you, my lord, there's a man to be hang'd!" + + My Lord Tomnoddy jump'd up at the news, + "Run to M'Fuze, + And Lieutenant Tregooze, + And run to Sir Carnaby Jenks, of the Blues. + Rope-dancers a score + I've seen before-- + Madame Sacchi, Antonio, and Master Blackmore; + But to see a man swing + At the end of a string, + With his neck in a noose, will be quite a new thing!" + + My Lord Tomnoddy stept into his cab-- + Dark rifle green, with a lining of drab; + Through street, and through square, + His high-trotting mare, + Like one of Ducrow's, goes pawing the air. + Adown Piccadilly and Waterloo Place + Went the high-trotting mare at a deuce of a pace; + She produc'd some alarm, + But did no great harm, + Save fright'ning a nurse with a child on her arm, + Spattering with clay + Two urchins at play, + Knocking down--very much to the sweeper's dismay-- + An old woman who wouldn't get out of the way, + And upsetting a stall + Near Exeter Hall, + Which made all the pious Church-Mission folks squall. + But eastward afar, + Through Temple Bar, + My Lord Tomnoddy directs his car; + Never heeding their squalls, + Or their calls, or their bawls, + He passes by Waithman's Emporium for shawls, + And, merely just catching a glimpse of St. Paul's, + Turns down the Old Bailey, + Where, in front of the jail, he + Pulls up at the door of the gin-shop, and gaily + Cries, "What must I fork out to-night, my trump, + For the whole first floor of the Magpie and Stump?" + + * * * * * + + The clock strikes Twelve--it is dark midnight-- + Yet the Magpie and Stump is one blaze of light. + The parties are met; + The tables are set; + There is "punch," "cold _without_," "hot _with_," "heavy wet," + Ale-glasses and jugs, + And rummers and mugs, + And sand on the floor, without carpets or rugs, + Cold fowl and cigars, + Pickled onions in jars, + Welsh rabbits, and kidneys--rare work for the jaws!-- + And very large lobsters, with very large claws; + And there is M'Fuze, + And Lieutenant Tregooze, + And there is Sir Carnaby Jenks of the Blues, + All come to see a man "die in his shoes!" + + The clock strikes One! + Supper is done, + And Sir Carnaby Jenks is full of his fun, + Singing "Jolly companions every one!" + My Lord Tomnoddy + Is drinking gin-toddy, + And laughing at ev'ry thing, and ev'ry body. + The clock strikes Two!--and the clock strikes Three! + --"Who so merry, so merry as we?" + Save Captain M'Fuze, + Who is taking a snooze, + While Sir Carnaby Jenks is busy at work, + Blacking his nose with a piece of burnt cork. + + The clock strikes Four! + Round the debtors' door + Are gather'd a couple of thousand or more; + As many await + At the press-yard gate, + Till slowly its folding doors open, and straight + The mob divides, and between their ranks + A waggon comes loaded with posts and with planks. + + The clock strikes Five! + The sheriffs arrive, + And the crowd is so great that the street seems alive; + But Sir Carnaby Jenks + Blinks, and winks, + A candle burns down in the socket, and stinks. + Lieutenant Tregooze + Is dreaming of Jews, + And acceptances all the bill-brokers refuse; + My Lord Tomnoddy + Has drunk all his toddy, + And just as the dawn is beginning to peep, + The whole of the party are fast asleep. + + Sweetly, oh! sweetly, the morning breaks, + With roseate streaks, + Like the first faint blush on a maiden's cheeks; + Seem'd as that mild and clear blue sky + Smil'd upon all things far and nigh, + All--save the wretch condemn'd to die! + Alack! that ever so fair a Sun + As that which its course has now begun, + Should rise on such scene of misery! + Should gild with rays so light and free + That dismal, dark-frowning Gallows tree! + + And hark!--a sound comes big with fate, + The clock from St. Sepulchre's tower strikes--Eight!-- + List to that low funereal bell: + It is tolling, alas! a living man's knell! + And see!--from forth that opening door + They come--He steps that threshold o'er + Who never shall tread upon threshold more. + --God! 'tis a fearsome thing to see + That pale wan man's mute agony, + The glare of that wild despairing eye, + Now bent on the crowd, now turn'd to the sky, + As though 'twere scanning, in doubt and in fear, + The path of the Spirit's unknown career; + + Those pinion'd arms, those hands that ne'er + Shall be lifted again,--not ev'n in prayer; + That heaving chest!---- Enough--'tis done! + The bolt has fallen!--the Spirit is gone-- + For weal or for woe is known to but One! + Oh! 'twas a fearsome sight! Ah me! + A deed to shudder at,--not to see. + + Again that clock!--'tis time, 'tis time! + The hour is past:--with its earliest chime + The cord is sever'd, the lifeless clay + By "dungeon villains" is borne away: + Nine!--'twas the last concluding stroke! + And then--my Lord Tomnoddy awoke! + And Tregooze and Sir Carnaby Jenks arose, + And Captain M'Fuze, with the black on his nose; + And they stared at each other, as much as to say + "Hollo! Hollo! + Here's a Rum Go! + Why, Captain!--my Lord!--Here's the Devil to pay! + The fellow's been cut down and taken away! + What's to be done? + We've miss'd all the fun! + Why, they'll laugh at, and quiz us all over the town, + We are all of us done so uncommonly brown!" + + What _was_ to be done?--'twas perfectly plain + That they could not well hang the man over again:-- + What _was_ to be done?--The man was dead!-- + Nought _could_ be done--nought could be said; + So--my Lord Tomnoddy went home to bed! + + + + + EPIGRAM. + + 'Tis strange, amid the many trades + By which men gather riches, + That ridicule should most attach + To those who make our breeches! + But so it is; yet, as they sew, + Rich is the harvest made: + Then call not theirs, unseemly wags! + A _so-so_ sort of trade. + R. J. + + [Illustration: The Romance of a Day] + + + + + THE ROMANCE OF A DAY. + A PASSAGE IN THE LIFE OF AN ADVENTURER. + + WITH AN ILLUSTRATION BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. + + +When things are at the worst, they are sure to mend, says the old adage; +and the hero of the following narrative is a case in point. Dick Diddler +was a distant connexion, by the mother's side, of the famous Jeremy, +immortalized by Kenny. He was a shrewd, reckless adventurer, gifted +with an elastic conscience that would stretch like Indian-rubber, and a +genius for raising the wind unsurpassed by Æolus himself. At the period +to which this tale refers, he had dissipated at the minor West-end +hells, and elsewhere, the last farthing of a pittance which he inherited +from his father; and was considerably in arrears with his landlady, a +waspish gentlewoman who rented what she complacently termed "an airy +house" in the windiest quarter of Camden Town. This was embarrassing; +but Dick was not one to despair. He had high animal spirits, knowledge +of the world, imperturbable self-possession, good exterior, plausible +address, and a modesty which he felt persuaded would never stand in the +way of his advancement. + +Thousands of London adventurers, it has been observed, rise in the +morning without knowing how they shall provide a meal for the day. Our +hero was just now in this predicament, for he had not even the means +of procuring a breakfast. Something, however, must be done, and that +immediately, so he applied himself to a cracked bell which stood on +his ill-conditioned table; and, while waiting his landlady's answer to +the tintinnabulary summons, occupied himself by casting a scrutinizing +glance at his outer Adam. Alas! there was little here to gratify the eye +of taste and gentility! His coat was in that peculiar state denominated +"seedy," his linen was as yellow as a sea-sick cockney, and his trousers +evinced tokens of an antiquity better qualified to inspire reverence +than admiration. + +Just as he had completed his survey, his landlady entered the room, +accompanied by her first-born,--a hopeful youth, with a fine expanse of +mouth calculated seriously to perplex a quartern loaf. Dick perused her +features attentively, and thought he had never before seen her look so +ugly. But this of course: Venus herself would look a fright, if she came +to dun for money. + +"Ah, poppet, is that you?" exclaimed Dick, affectionately patting the +urchin's head, by way of an agreeable commencement to the conversation; +"Why, how the dear boy grows! Blessings on his pretty face: he's the +very image of his Ma!" + +"Come, come, Mr. Diddler," replied Mrs. Dibbs, "that language won't +do no longer. You've been blessing little Tom twice a day ever since +you got into my books, but I'm not going to take out my account in +blessings. Blessings won't pay my milk-score, so I must have my +money,--and this very day too, for I've got a bill to make up to-morrow." + +"Have patience, my good lady, and all will be right." + +"Ay, so you've said for the last month; but saying's one thing, and +doing's another." + +"Very good." + +"But it ain't very good; it's very bad." + +"Well, well, no matter, Mrs. D----" + +"No matter! But I say it is a great matter,--a matter of ten pounds +fifteen shillings, to say nothing of them oysters what you did me out on +last night." + +"Exactly so; and you shall have it all this very day, for it so happens +that I'm going into the City to receive payment of a debt that has been +owing me since November last. And this reminds me that I have not yet +breakfasted; so pray send up--now don't apologise, for you could not +possibly have known that I had an appointment in Fenchurch-street at ten +o'clock." + +"Breakfast!" exclaimed Mrs. Dibbs with a disdainful toss of her head; +"no, no; not a mouthful shall you have till I get my money: I'm quite +sick of your promises." + +"Nay, but my dear Mrs. D----" + +"It's no use argufying the pint; what I've said, I'll stand to. Come, +Tom--drat the boy! why don't you come?" and so saying, the choleric +dame, catching fast hold of her son by the pinafore, flounced out of the +room, banging the door after her with the emphasis of a hurricane. + +Dick remained a few minutes behind, in the hope that breakfast might yet +be forthcoming: but finding that there was not the slightest prospect of +his landlady's relenting, he, in the true spirit of an indignant Briton, +consigned her "eyes" to perdition; and, having thus expectorated his +wrath, began to furbish up his faded apparel. He tucked in his saffron +shirt-collar; buttoned up his coat to the chin, refreshing the white +seams with the "Patent Reviver;" smoothed round his silk hat, which +luckily was in good preservation; and then rushed out of the house with +the desperate determination of breakfasting at some one's expense. There +is nothing like the gastric juice to stimulate a man's ingenuity. It is +the secret of half the poetic inspiration in our literature. + +Chance--or perhaps that ruling destiny which, do what we will, still +sways all our actions--led Dick's steps in the direction of the +Hampstead Road. It was a bright, cool, summer morning; the housemaids +were at work with their brooms outside the cottages; the milkman was +going his rounds with his "sky-blue;" and the shiny porter-pots yet hung +upon the garden rails. As our hero moved onward, keeping his mouth close +shut, lest the lively wind might act too excitingly on his unfurnished +epigastrum, his attentive optics chanced to fall on a cottage, in the +front parlour of which, the window being open, he beheld a sight that +roused all the shark or alderman within him,--to wit, a breakfast set +forth in a style that might have created an appetite "under the ribs of +death." Dick stopped: the case was desperate; but his self-possession +was equal to the emergency. "A Mr. Smith lives here," said he, running +his eye hastily over the premises: "the bower, and the wooden god, those +trees so neatly clipped, and that commonplace-looking terrier sleeping +at the gate, with his nose poked through the rails, all betoken the +habits and fancies of a Smith. Good! I will favour the gentleman with a +call;" and with these words Dick gave a vehement pull at the garden-bell. + +"Is Mr. Smith at home?" he inquired with an air of easy assurance that +produced an instant effect on the girl who answered the bell. + +"No, sir." + +"Upon my life, that's very awkward; particularly so as he requested me +to be----" + +"Oh! I suppose, then, you're the gentleman that was expected here to +breakfast this morning?" + +"The very same, my dear." + +"Well," continued the girl, unlocking the gate, "master desired me to +say that you were to walk in, and not wait for him, for he had to go +into Tottenham-court Road on business, and should not be back for an +hour." + +Dick took the hint, walked in, and in an instant was hard at work. + +How he punished the invigorating coffee! What havoc he wrought among +the eggs and French rolls! Never was seen such voracity since the days +of the ventripotent Heliogabalus. His expedition was on a par with his +prowess, for Mr. Smith's guest being momentarily expected, he felt that +he had not a moment to lose. Accordingly, after doing prompt, impartial +justice to every article on table, he coolly rang the bell, and, without +noticing the muttered "My stars!" of the servant as she glanced at the +wreck before her, he desired her to tell Mr. Smith that, as he had a +visit to pay in the neighbourhood, he could not wait longer for him, +but would call again in the course of the day; and then, putting on +his hat with an air, he quitted the cottage on the best possible terms +with himself and all the world. There is nothing like good eating and +drinking to bring out the humanities. + +Having no professional duties to attend to, Dick strolled on to +Hampstead Heath, where he seated himself on a bench that commands an +extensive view towards the west and north. Here he continued musing +upwards of an hour, in that buoyant mood which a good breakfast never +fails to call forth. It was early yet to trouble himself about dinner or +his landlady's bill; and Dick was not the man to recognise a grievance +till it stared him in the face, when, if he could not give it the cut +direct, he would boldly confront and grapple with it: so he occupied +himself with whistling one of Macheath's songs in the Beggar's Opera. + +While thus idling away his time, and picturing in his mind's eye the +perplexed visages of Mr. Smith and his guest when they should become +acquainted with the extent of their calamity, Dick's attention was +suddenly directed to the sound of voices near him. He listened; and, +from the dulcet accents in which the conversation was carried on, felt +persuaded that the parties were making love. Curious to ascertain who +they were, he retreated behind one of the broadest elms on the terrace, +and there beheld a dry old maid, thin as a thread-paper, and straight +as a stick of sealing-wax, smirking and affecting to blush at something +that was whispered in her ear by a young man. Our adventurer fancied +that the latter's person was familiar to him; so, the instant the +enamoured turtles separated, he emerged from his hiding-place, and saw, +advancing towards the bench he had just quitted, an old com-rogue, to +whom in his better days he had lost many a sum at the gaming-table. + +The recognition was mutual. + +"What! Dick Diddler?" + +"What! Sam Spragge?" + +"Why, Sam, what has brought you here at this hour?" quoth our hero. + +Samuel smiled, and pointed significantly towards the ancient virgin, who +was just then crossing the Heath, near the donkey-stand. + +"Hem! I understand. Much property?" + +"Eight hundred a year at her own disposal, and two thousand _three per +cents_ at the death of a crusty, invalid brother-in-law, who lives with +her in that old-fashioned house she is now entering." + +"Eight hundred a year!" said Dick musing; "lucky dog! And how long have +you known her?" + +"Oh! an eternity. Three days." + +"And where did you pick her up?" + +"Under a gateway in Camden Town, where we were both standing up from the +rain." + +"You seem to have made excellent use of your time." + +"Nothing easier. I could see at a glance that she was quite as anxious +for a husband as I am for a rich wife; so, after some indifferent chat +about the weather, &c. I prevailed on her to accept of my escort home; +talked lots of sentiment as we jogged along under my umbrella; praised +her beauty to the skies,--for she is inordinately vain, though ugly +enough, as you must have seen, to scare a ghost--and, in short, did not +quit her till she had promised to meet me on the following day." + +"And she kept her word, no doubt?" + +"Yes, I have now seen her four times, and am sure that if I could but +muster up funds enough for a Gretna-green trip,--for she has all the +romance of a boarding-school girl,--I could carry her off this very +night. But I cannot, Dick, I cannot;" and Sam heaved a sigh that was +quite pathetic. + +"Can you not borrow of her?--'tis for her own good, you know." + +"Impossible! I have represented myself as a man of substance; and, +were she once to suppose me otherwise, so quick-witted is she on money +matters, that she would instantly give me my dismissal." + +"And what is your angel's name?" + +"Priscilla Spriggins." + +"My dear fellow," exclaimed Dick with a sudden burst of emotion, "from +my soul I pity you; but, alas! sympathy is all I have to offer:--look +here!" and, turning his empty pockets inside out, he displayed two holes +therein, about as big as the aperture of a mousetrap. + +An expressive pause followed this touching exhibition; shortly after +which the two adventurers parted,--Sam returning towards London, with a +view, no doubt, of seeking, like Apollyon, "whom he might devour;" and +Dick remaining where he was, casting ever and anon a glance towards the +house where the fair Priscilla vegetated, and meditating, the while, on +the revelation that had just been made to him. + +Tired at length of reverie, he rose from the bench, and made his way +back into Hampstead,--slowly, for every step was bringing him nearer the +residence of his unreasonable landlady. On passing down by Mount Vernon, +he beheld the walls on either side of him placarded with hand-bills +announcing that an auction was to take place that day at a large old +family mansion (the by-streets of Hampstead abound in such) close by: +and, on moving towards the spot, he saw, by the groups of people who +were lounging at the open door, that the sale had already begun. By way +of killing an idle half-hour or so, Dick entered; and, elbowing his way +up stairs, soon found himself in a spacious drawing-room, crowded with +pictures, vases, old porcelain, and other articles of _virtù_. + +Just at that moment the auctioneer put up a landscape painting by one of +the old masters, on which he expatiated with the customary professional +eloquence. "Going, ladies and gentlemen, going for two hundred +pounds--undoubted Paul Potter--highly admired by the late lamented +Lawrence--sheep so naturally coloured, you'd swear you could hear 'em +bleat--frame, too, in excellent condition--going--going----" + +"Two hundred and thirty!" said a small gentleman in spectacles, raising +himself on tip-toe to catch the auctioneer's eye. + +"Two hundred and fifty" shouted another. + +"Going for two hundred and fifty," said the man in the rostrum; after +a pause, "upon my word, ladies and gentlemen, this is giving away the +picture. Pray look at that fore-shortened old ram in the background; +why, his two horns alone are worth the money. Let me beg, for the honour +of art, that----" + +"Three hundred!" roared Dick, with an intrepid effrontery that extorted +universal respect,--for to his other amiable qualities he added that of +being a "brag" of the first water, and was proud, even though it were +but for a moment, of displaying his consequence among strangers. + +As this was the highest bidding, the picture was knocked down to our +hero, who, having cracked his joke, and gratified his swaggering +propensities, was about to beat a retreat, when he found his elbow +twitched by a nervous, eager little man,--a duodecimo edition of a +virtuoso,--who had only that moment entered the room. + +"So you have purchased that Paul Potter, sir, I understand," said the +stranger, wiping the perspiration from his bald head, and evidently +struggling with his vexation. + +Dick nodded an affirmative, not a little curious to know what would come +next. + +"Bless my soul, how unlucky! To think that I should have been only five +minutes too late, and such a run as I had for it! Excuse the liberty +I am taking, but have you any wish to be off your bargain, sir?--not +that I am particularly anxious about the picture--I merely ask for +information; that's all, sir, I assure you," added the virtuoso, aware +that he had committed himself, and endeavouring to retrieve his blunder. + +Dick cast one of his most searching glances at the stranger; and, +reading in his countenance the anxiety he would fain have concealed +under a show of indifference, said in his slyest and most composed +manner, "May I beg to be favoured with your name, sir?" + +"Smithson, sir,--Richard Smithson, agent to Lord Theodore Thickskull, +whose picture-gallery I have the honour of a commission to furnish; +and happening to read a day or two ago in the "Times" that a few old +paintings were to be disposed of by auction here on the premises, I +thought, perhaps----" + +"Indeed! That alters the case," replied our hero with an air of +dignified courtesy, "for I have some slight acquaintance with his +lordship myself." + +"Bless my soul, how odd!--how uncommon odd! Possibly, then, for my +lord's sake, you will not object to----" + +"No," replied Dick smiling, "I did not say that." + +"Rely on it, sir," continued the fidgety little virtuoso, "you are +mistaken in your estimate of that painting. They say it is a Paul +Potter; but it's no such thing--no such thing, sir." + +"Then why are you so anxious to get possession of it?" + +"Who? I, sir? Bless my soul, I'm not anxious. I merely thought that +as his lordship was particularly partial to landscapes, he might be +tempted, perhaps, to give more--" + +"Well," said Dick, eager to bring the matter to a conclusion, "as I have +no very pressing desire to retain the picture, though it is the very +thing for my library in Mount-street, you shall have it; but on certain +conditions." + +"Name them, my dear sir, name them," said the virtuoso, his eyes +sparkling with animation. + +"I have bought the painting," resumed Dick, "for three hundred guineas; +now, you shall have it for six hundred. You see I put the matter quite +on a footing of business, without the slightest reference to his +lordship." + +"Six hundred guineas! Bless my soul, impossible!" + +"As you please," replied our hero with exquisite nonchalance; "I am +indifferent about the matter." + +"Say four hundred, sir." + +"Not a farthing less. The pictures in this house, as the advertisement +which brought me up here at this unseasonable hour, before I had +even time to complete my toilette, justly observes, have been long +celebrated, and----" + +"I'll give you five hundred," replied Smithson, cutting short Dick's +remarks. + +"Well, well, for his lordship's sake----" + +"Good!" exclaimed the virtuoso; and hurrying Dick to a more quiet corner +of the room, he took out pen and inkhorn, wrote a check on a West-end +banker for the amount of the balance, thrust it into his hand, and then, +after assuring him that he would arrange everything with the auctioneer, +and would not trouble him to stay longer, hurried away towards the +rostrum, as though he feared our hero would repent the transfer of a +painting for which he himself imagined he should be able to screw about +eight hundred pounds out of his lordship, who was remarkable for the +readiness with which he paid through the nose. + +No sooner had Dick lost sight of Mr. Smithson, than away he flew from +the house, bounding and taking big leaps like a ram, till he reached +the main street, when, changing his exultant pace for a more sober +and gentlemanlike one, he hailed the Hampstead coach, which was about +leaving the office, snugly ensconced himself inside, and within the hour +was deposited at Charing-cross. + +"Coachman," quoth our hero, as the Jehu, having descended from his box, +held out his hand to receive the usual fare, "I am rather delicately +situated." + +"Humph!" replied the man, who seemed perfectly to comprehend, though not +to sympathise with, the delicacy of the case, "sorry for it; but master +always says, says he----" + +"The fact is," continued Dick, interrupting what bade fair to become a +prolix Philippic, "though I have not a farthing in my pocket, having +forgotten to take out my purse this morning, yet as I am just going +to receive cash for a two hundred pound cheque, and shall return with +you to Hampstead, I presume the delay of an hour will make no great +difference." + +The coachman, whose white round face usually beamed with all the bland +expression of a turnip, evinced symptoms of an uneasy distrust at this +speech; but when Dick exhibited the cheque--not relishing the idea of a +"bolt," long experience having no doubt taught him that coachmen running +after a fare are apt to run with most inconvenient velocity--when, +I say, Dick exhibited this convincing scrap of paper, all Jehu's +suspicions vanished, and, touching the shining edge of his hat, he +absolved our hero from extempore payment, with a bow that might have +done honour to a Margate dancing-master. + +This knotty point settled, the ingenious Richard next posted off in a +cab to the banker's,--for it was beneath his dignity to walk,--presented +his cheque, received the amount, placed it securely in his waistcoat +pocket, and then made all possible haste to a well-known shop in the +neighbourhood of Piccadilly, where every item necessary to perfect the +man of fashion may be procured at a minute's notice. + +Our hero entered the shop in a condition bordering upon the shabby +genteel, though his person and address were a handsome set-off against +the infirmities of his apparel: he came out dressed in the very height +of ton. The hue of his linen was unimpeachable; his pantaloons fitted +to a miracle; his coat was guiltless of a wrinkle. Then his gay, glossy +silk waistcoat, to say nothing of--but enough; the metamorphosis was +complete--the snake had cast its skin--the grub was transformed into the +butterfly. + +But, startling as was the change which his Hampstead speculation had +wrought in his person, still more so was its effect on his mind. Here +an entire revolution was already in full activity. Vast ideas fermented +in his brain. He no longer crept along with the downcast look of an +adventurer, but stared boldly about him, as one conscious that he was +somebody. And so he was. It is not every one who cuts a figure at the +West-end that can boast of the possession of two hundred pounds! + +On his road back to Charing-cross, the first object which caught our +hero's eye was the Hampstead coach preparing to set out on its return. +The sight brought to his recollection the fair Priscilla Spriggins; and +in an instant, with the decision of a Napoleon, he resolved to make a +"Bold Stroke for a Wife," and carry her of to Gretna that very night. +The scheme was hopeless, you will say: granted; but Dick was formed to +vanquish, not be vanquished by, circumstances. "Faint heart never won +fair lady," said he; "so here goes;" and in he popped. + +It was now about two o'clock, the hour when the fair inhabitants of +our cockney Arcadia are in the habit of taking the air on the Heath, +some with work-bags, some with the "last new novel," but the majority +with "Bentley's Miscellany" in their hands. Dick no sooner reached the +donkey-stand, than he seated himself on a bench close by,--where two +young ladies were standing, fondly imagining that they beheld Windsor +Castle through a spyglass,--and looked anxiously about him, to see if he +could detect Miss Spriggins among the peripatetics. But no Priscilla was +visible. How, therefore, should he act? "Wait," said common sense; so +Dick waited. + +Half an hour had elapsed, and he was beginning to get impatient, when +suddenly, on casting his eyes towards the lady's house, he saw the door +open, and Miss Spriggins herself stepped forth, with a novel in one +hand, and a pea-green parasol in the other. Dick watched her motions as +a cat watches a mouse: saw her steal away towards a retired quarter of +the Heath, and, having made up his mind as to the line of conduct he +should pursue, started from his seat and followed quickly in her wake. + +On reaching her side, "Miss Spriggins, I presume?" said he with a +profound obeisance. + +"The same, sir," replied the surprised Priscilla. + +"Ah! madam," resumed Dick, bursting at once into a sentimental vein, +for he felt that every minute was precious, "happy am I to see that +enchanting face once more." + +"Excuse me, sir," said Miss Spriggins, affecting to bridle up; "but +really I do not comprehend----" + +"Comprehend, madam!--and how should you? I scarcely comprehend myself. +But how should it be otherwise, when for weeks past I have daily +wandered over this romantic heath, hoping, but, alas! in vain, to +catch one stray gleam of that sunny beauty which last April--how well +I remember the date!--so riveted my fancy as it flashed on me from +the front drawing-room of yonder house;" and Dick pointed towards +Priscilla's dwelling. + +"Really, sir, this language----" + +"Is the language of frenzy, maybe; but it is the language also of +passion. Ah! madam, if you but knew the flame that that one casual +glimpse of your bewitching countenance lit up in my unhappy heart, +you would pity what I now feel. Would to God that you were as much a +stranger to me as I am to you, for then I should cease to be the wretch +I am;" and Dick, having no onion ready, turned away his head, and +covered his face with his handkerchief. + +"Sir," replied Miss Spriggins, startled, yet far from displeased, "I +really know not what answer to make to this most extraordinary----" + +"Extraordinary, madam? Is it extraordinary to admire beauty--to +reverence perfection--to live but in the hope of again seeing her who, +once seen, can never be forgotten--is this extraordinary? If so, then am +I the most extraordinary of men. Revered Priscilla,--Miss Spriggins, I +should say,--your beauty has undone me. I should have joined my regiment +at Carlisle ere now; but you, and you only, have kept me lingering in +this sylvan district. Ah, lady! Captain Felix O'Flam was happy till he +saw you,--happy, even though deceived by one whom he once thought his +friend." + +The fair Priscilla, whose predominant infirmity, as has been before +observed, was an indigestion of celibacy, could not witness the +affliction of the dashing young man before her, without sympathising +with him; perceiving which, Dick continued, "I see you pity me, lady, +and your pity would be still more profound did you know all. It is +no later than last week that I became acquainted with the arts of an +adventurer named Spragge, who, for months previously, having wormed +himself into my confidence, had led me to believe that----" + +"Spragge!" interrupted Miss Spriggins with a look of huge dismay; "and +pray what sort of a person may he have been?" + +In reply, Dick described Sam to the life; whereupon his companion, no +longer able to conceal her rage, exclaimed abruptly, "The wretch!--what +an escape have I had!" + +"Escape, madam! How so? Has the villain dared to deceive you, as he has +me? I know that he is one of those plausible, unprincipled adventurers +about town, who make a point of preying on the unwary--and such he must +have considered me, when he introduced himself one morning as a relation +of the commanding officer of my regiment;--but that he should have +presumed to----" + +"Oh no, captain," replied Miss Spriggins with evident embarrassment; "I +was never his dupe. He merely called,--if indeed it be the same person, +as I feel convinced it is,--one day last week at my brother's, on some +pretence or other, which--which--But I have done with him, the monster!" + +"Call on you, madam!" replied Dick, adroitly giving in to the lady's +little deviation from fact, "call on you, when _I_ dared not approach +your threshold! But enough--I'll cut his throat!" + +"No, no, captain; believe me, he is unworthy of your revenge." + +"You say right, madam; for, since I have found reason to suspect him, +I have instituted inquiries into his character, and am told that he is +beneath contempt. Why--would you believe it?--the fellow has been twice +ducked in a horse-pond, for thimble-rigging, at Epsom,--flogged at the +cart's tail for petty larceny, rubbed down with vinegar and set in the +black-hole to dry." + +"Mercy on us! you don't say so?" + +"Fact. But to quit this unworthy theme, and revert to a more pleasing +one:--May I, lady,"--and Dick here put on his most wheedling air,--"may, +I, having at length been honoured with one interview with you, presume +to hope for a second? Say only that we may again meet,--nay, that this +very evening we may take a stroll together through these sequestered +shades,--and make me the happiest of men. Alas! I once thought that +fortune alone was necessary to constitute felicity; but, now that I +have _that_, I feel 'tis as nothing; and that love,--disinterested, +impassioned love,--is the main ingredient in the cup of human bliss. +Give me but the woman I adore, and I ask--I expect nothing further; but +wealth without her is a mere mockery." + +This rhapsody had more effect on his companion than anything Dick had +yet said. It was a shot between wind and water. + +"Oh, captain!" replied Priscilla, "I appreciate your generous +sentiments; and, to convince you that I am not unworthy to share them, +will--however strange it may appear in a young and timid female--consent +to see you once more. But, remember, it must be our last interview;" and +she sighed,--and so did Dick. + +"Adieu, then, idol of my soul! if so I may presume to call you," +exclaimed this ingenuous young man; "adieu, till the shades of twilight +lengthen along the horse-pond hard by the donkey-stand, when we will +meet again, and the thrice-blessed Felix----" Dick stopped: seized the +lady's hand, which she faintly struggled to withdraw; imprinted on it +a kiss that "came twanging off," as Massinger would say; and then tore +himself away, as if fearful of trusting himself with farther speech. + +On quitting Priscilla's side, Dick rattled across the fields to +Highgate, wondering at the success that had thus far crowned his +efforts. "Will she keep her appointment?" said he. "Yes, yes; I see it +in her eye. The 'captain' has done the business; never was there so +conceited an old lass!" and, thus soliloquizing, he found himself at the +door of the best hotel in Highgate, strutted into the coffee-room, and +rang the bell for the waiter. + +The man answered his summons, cast a shrewd glance at his exterior, and, +satisfied with the scrutiny, made a low bow, prefaced by a semicircular +flourish of his napkin. + +"Waiter," said Dick, with the air of a prince, "show me into a private +room, and let it be your best." + +"Please to follow me, sir," replied the man; and, so saying, he ushered +our hero into a spacious apartment, which commanded a picturesque view +of a brick-field, with a pig-sty in the background. + +"Good!" said Dick, and throwing himself full-length on a sofa, he +ordered an early dinner, cold, but of the best quality, together with +one bottle of madeira, and another of port, by way of appendix. + +Well; the dinner came, wine ditto, and both were excellent. Glass +after glass was filled and emptied, and Dick felt his spirits mounting +into the seventh heaven of enjoyment. His thoughts were winged; his +prospects radiant with the sunny hues of hope. The fair Priscilla was +his own,--his grievances were at an end,--and he henceforth could snap +his fingers at fate. Happy man! + +Having despatched his madeira, and two or three supplementary glasses +of port, so that one bottle might not be jealous of the attentions paid +to the other, Dick summoned the waiter into his presence, paid his bill +like a lord, and concluded by ordering a post-chaise and four to be +ready for him within two hours in a certain lane which he specified, and +which led off the high-road a few yards beyond the turnpike. Of course +the man understood the drift of this order. Dick, however, took no +notice of his knowing simper; but, telling him that he should return in +a short time, stalked from the hotel as if the majesty of England were +centred in his person. + +On returning to the Heath, he found, as he had expected, the fair +Priscilla awaiting his advent by the horse-pond. She received him with +a blush, to which he replied by a squeeze; and then, emboldened by the +wine he had drunk, went on in a strain of high-flown panegyric which +rapidly thawed the heart of the too susceptible Miss Spriggins. Dick +was not the lad to do things by halves. Neck or nothing was his motto; +and accordingly, before he had been ten minutes in company with his +fair one, he had succeeded in drawing from her a confession that she +preferred him to all the suitors she had ever had. This point gained, +our hero adroitly changed the conversation; talked of his prospects when +his father's estates in the North should come into his possession; of +his friend Lord Theodore Thickskull, to whom he should be so proud to +introduce his Priscilla; and of his intention to sell out of the army +the instant she consented to be his. + +Thus chatting, Dick--accidentally, to all appearance--drew his companion +on towards Highgate, when, suddenly putting on a look of extreme wonder, +he exclaimed, "Who'd have thought it! We are close by the Tunnel. Ah! +dearest Priscilla, you see how time flies when we are with those we +love! And, now that you are here, my angel, you cannot surely refuse to +honour my hotel with your presence. Nay, not a word; it is hard by, and +I am sure you must be fatigued after your walk." + +The lady protested that she could not think of entering an hotel with a +single man. She did, however; and was so favourably impressed with the +respect shown to Dick by the waiter, who with his finger beside his nose +implied that all was ready, that had she ever harboured distrust, this +circumstance alone would have effectually banished it from her mind. + +No sooner had the parties entered Dick's private apartment, than, strange +to tell, they beheld a bottle of port wine standing on the table. +And, lo! there also were two glasses! Of course our hero could not +but present one to Priscilla, who received it, nothing loth, though +affecting extreme coyness. Its effects were soon visible. Her bleak +blue nose assumed a faint mulberry tinge, her eyes sparkled, and she +simpered, languished, and ogled Dick, sighing the while, with a sort +of die-away sensibility, intended to show the extreme tenderness of +her nature. These blandishments, which our hero returned with compound +interest, were, however, soon put an end to, by the lady's suddenly +rising, and requesting him to _chaperon_ her home, as it was getting +late, and her brother would be uneasy at her absence. Dick complied, +though with apparent reluctance, and, as he passed through the hall with +Priscilla hanging on his arm, he could see the landlady peeping at him +through the yellow gauze blinds of the tap-room window. + +It was now confirmed twilight; the dicky-birds were asleep in their +nests; the Highgate toll-bar looked vague and spectral in the gloom; +and nought disturbed the solemn silence of the hour, save the pot-boys +calling "Beer!" at the cottages by the road-side. As Dick rambled on, +under the pretence of leading Miss Spriggins by a short cut home, +his thoughts took the hue of the season, and he became pensive and +abstracted. He looked at Priscilla, and sighed; while she reciprocated +the respiration, heaving up from the depths of her oesophagus a sigh +that might have upset a schooner. And thus the enamoured pair pursued +their walk, Dick every now and then squeezing his companion's hand +with the gentle compression of a blacksmith's vice. 'Twas a spectacle +gratifying to a benevolent heart, the sight of those devoted lovers, +so wrapt up in each other as to be regardless of the extraordinary +beauties of the picturesque scenery about them. The dog-rose bloomed in +the hedge, but they inhaled not its fragrance. The ducks quacked in the +verdant ditch beside their path, but they heeded not their euphonious +ejaculations. Their own sweet thoughts were enough for them. Surrounding +nature was as nought,--they seemed alone in creation,--the sole denizens +of Middlesex! + +By this time the moon had climbed the azure vault of heaven; the last +Omnibus had set down the last man; when lo! before he was aware of +his contiguity, Dick found himself close by the turnpike. 'Twas a +critical moment; but the young man was desperate, and desperation +knows no impossibilities. Changing the sentimental tone he had hitherto +adopted, he burst into the most frenzied exclamations of grief; stated +the necessity he was under of immediately joining his regiment at +Carlisle, which he should have done long before had not his love for +Priscilla kept him lingering in the vicinity of Hampstead; that he had +not the heart to state this before; but, now that he had explained his +situation, he felt that he should not survive the shock of a separation. +"There," said he, pointing to the carriage, which was but a few yards +off, "there is the detested vehicle destined to bear me far from thee! +Why had I not the candour to explain my position till this moment? +Alas! who, situated as I am, could have acted otherwise? Lady, I +love--adore--doat--on you to distraction! Let us fly, then, and link our +fates together. You speak not, alas!" + +"Good Heavens!" replied the bewildered Miss Spriggins, "impossible! What +would the world say? Oh fie, Captain Felix!--to think that I should have +been exposed to----" + +"Come, Priscilla,--my Priscilla,--and let us hasten to be happy. The +respected clergyman at Gretna ----" + +"An elopement!--Monstrous!--Oh! that I should have lived to hear such a +proposition!" + +Need the sequel be insisted on? Dick wept, prayed, capered, tore his +hair, and acted a thousand shrewd extravagances; swore he would hang +himself to the toll-bar, or cut his throat with an oyster-knife, if his +own dear Priscilla did not consent to unite her destiny with his; and, +in fact, so worked upon the damsel's sensibilities, that she had no help +for it but to gasp forth a reluctant consent. An instant, and all was +ready for departure. Crack went the whip, round went the wheels, and +away went the fond couple to Gretna-green, rattling along the high north +road at the rate of fourteen miles an hour! + +Thus he who at nine o'clock in the morning was an adventurer without a +sixpence in his pocket, by the same hour in the evening was a gentleman +in possession of a woman worth eight hundred pounds _per annum_!--Gentle +reader, truth is strange,--stranger than fiction. + + + + + THE MAN WITH THE TUFT. + BY THOMAS HAYNES BAYLY. + + I. + I ever at college + From commoners shrank, + Still craving the knowledge + Of people of rank: + In my glass, my lord's ticket + I eagerly stuffed; + And all call'd me "Riquet," + The man with the Tuft. + + II. + My patron! most noble! + Of highest degree! + Thou never canst probe all + My homage for thee! + Thy hand--oh! I'd lick it, + Though often rebuff'd; + And still I am "Riquet," + The man with the Tuft! + + III. + Too oft the great, shutting + Their doors on the bold, + Do deeds that are cutting, + Say words that are cold! + Through flattery's wicket + _My_ body I've stuff'd, + And _so_ I am "Riquet," + The man with the Tuft! + + IV. + His lordship's a poet, + Enraptured I sit; + He's dull--(and I know it)-- + _I_ call him a wit! + His fancy, I nick it, + By me he is puff'd. + And still I am "Riquet," + The man with the Tuft! + + + + + THE MINISTER'S FATE. + A SKETCH OF THE PAST. + +Now that the session of parliament is fairly set in, and occupying +public attention, sketches and recollections of public orators, with +touches at the gallery M.P.'s, or "gentlemen of the fourth estate," as +the reporters have been termed, will of course become redundant; but for +scribblers who have known St. Stephen's only a session or two to attempt +a thing of this sort, so as to satisfy those who take a real interest +in the doings of the senate, is out of the question. To deal with such +matters properly, a man, as Pierce Egan says of the important mysteries +of boxing and slang, "must be brought up to the business from a _young +'un_." + +It is not my purpose to deal with matters of the day. My sketches might +go a quarter, or probably half a century back: Graham's celestial bed, +Mr. Dodd's execution, and Lord George Gordon's riots, will scarcely be +out of my reach. Though I set off with what relates to the House of +Commons, from having known many of the distinguished writers who have at +various periods laboured there, other scenes will occasionally recur to +me, which it may be worth while to bring, with the details none but an +eyewitness can give, before the reader. + +I did not, however, know, but from reading of them in the newspapers, +the parliamentary orators of my time, till after the opening of the +present century. The last stars of a galaxy admitted to be of more +than ordinary splendour, had not yet faded when I made my debut in the +gallery of St. Stephen's Chapel: Pitt and Fox, Lord North and Burke, +had "shuffled off this mortal coil;" but Wyndham, and Sheridan, and +Tierney remained. Of them and of their latter contemporaries I have many +recollections; some of which, as they are connected with matters of +historical interest, it may be entertaining at least, to recall. It will +not be important to observe strict chronological order, so each scene +is kept by itself, the colouring not exaggerated and every fact related +with a scrupulous regard to sacred truth. + +Shades of the departed, how ye rise to "my mind's eye" as I prepare to +enter on my task! On the right, as we looked from the gallery of the +old House, that is, to the left of the Speaker's chair, I see Ponsonby, +with his portly form, white hair, and red chubby countenance; Wyndham, +a tall, spare figure, and a head partially bald; Tierney, with his +lowering brow, apparently waiting to spring on his ministerial victim; +Sheridan, exhibiting an aspect but too indicative of the thoughtless +career he pursued; Romilly, maintaining an air of solemn dignity, with +an appearance of exhaustion from severe mental toil; Whitbread, robust, +shrewd, and never weary; his deportment might have passed for that +of a blunt, resolute farmer. Always at his post; during the session, +the House of Commons was his home. Opposed to these I see the keen, +sarcastic, and animated Perceval. He had a bright penetrating eye, and a +nose rather inclining upwards, which the H. B.'s of 1807 converted into +a most ludicrous pug nose; his figure was small, and he had little hair +on the crown of his head; but he wore a long thin queue behind, which +in debate, from the vivacity of his manner, was continually showing +itself over one or other shoulder. Near him sat Castlereagh. He boasted +an elegant figure and handsome countenance, and often carried the polish +of the drawing-room into the tumult of political warfare, but sometimes +abruptly dropped it, to strike the table or the box before him with +almost farcical violence. The capacious forehead and fine features of +Canning were generally by his side. The well-powdered head of Old George +Rose was seldom very distant, and the bald shining skull of "Brother +Bragge," as Mr. Bragge Bathurst had been facetiously called by Canning, +was one of the group. + +Memory now turns to the gentlemen up-stairs in the gallery; nor ought +these to be thought beneath some notice, remembering how many have +since descended into the House to furnish occupation to their reporting +posterity. Woodfall formerly sat at the right hand corner of the front +of the gallery, on the seat which was what a goose is for a meal, "too +much for one, but too little for two,"--I mean the continuation of the +member's bench. He commonly held a gold-headed cane in his hand, which +he continually turned round one way when listening to a speech, and then +caused it to revolve the other way attending to the reply. The smiling +suavity of Hogan, the dry good-humour of Donovan, (these gentlemen went +out chief justice and judge advocate to Sierra Leone, where they died,) +the severe glance of Keating, the gracious swagger and laugh of Edward +Quin, the "amiable obliquity of vision" of Peter Finnerty, the ardent +gaiety of Power, and the overflowing merriment of the senior Dowling, +all seem to return, with the peculiarities of many others, who, like +them, are no more, and those of a much greater number who fortunately +survive. + +The consequences of a war of unexampled length were severely felt in +1812, and much of the distress which then prevailed was affirmed to have +been produced by our own "orders in council," issued to meet the decrees +of Bonaparte. Earl Grey was their strenuous and persevering opponent. +A parliamentary inquiry into their operation was instituted. In the +Commons Mr. Whitbread greatly exerted himself in support of the views +of his noble friend Earl Grey, and the investigation was entered upon +by the whole House in committee. The interminable examinations which +followed, exhausted public curiosity to such a pitch, that the gentlemen +of the press had instructions not to report them. In consequence of +this, when the order of the day was moved for going into the committee, +they closed their books, entered into conversation, and sometimes even +left the House. + +The gallery was at that time on such occasions nearly deserted; two or +three reporters indolently reclining on their seats, and from twelve to +twenty visitors were all the audience the subject commanded. + +Of the last-mentioned individuals, some few, from their own interests +being affected by the matter under inquiry, went to the house frequently +enough to get in some degree acquainted with the writers; and among them +was one gentleman who usually took his place on the back seat, though +he was always ready to resign it to those who, as they went there for +business, and not for pleasure, considered that they had a right to +claim it as their own. There was something singular in this person's +manner; and the eagerness with which he surveyed the members, by means +of an opera-glass, often excited the mirth of his waggish neighbours. +He asked many questions, but timed them so well, and always deported +himself with so much respectful good-humour, that any information he +desired was readily given. + +One fine summer's afternoon I and some other tired visitors to the House +availed ourselves of the leisure which the sitting of the committee +afforded, to enjoy a walk on the banks of the river. On our return, +near Milbank, a person who had some knowledge of us inquired if we +had heard that a duel had taken place between the Earl of Liverpool +and Mr. Perceval, in which the latter had fallen. We laughed at the +improbability of the story, but were seriously assured that we should +find it true. Still incredulous, we said we would soon ascertain the +fact, and accordingly advanced to Palace Yard. There the closed gates, +the crowd assembled outside, and the information communicated by a +thousand tongues, soon placed it beyond all doubt that the minister +was no more, having within the last hour been shot, not by his noble +colleague, but by a stranger named Bellingham. + +Mr. Perceval was in the habit of coming down to the House about five +o'clock. On this day it was a quarter past that hour, when, as he +entered the lobby, he was shot through the heart. He staggered a few +paces, fell against one of the pillars, and almost immediately expired. +The assassin was instantly seized and taken to the bar of the House, +where a crowd of persons, members and strangers mixed in extreme +confusion, assembled round him; and as soon as an attempt at restoring +order could be made, the Speaker directed Mr. Whitbread and other +members to precede and follow the prisoner to a place of safe custody. +This was done, and these facts were generally known to the multitude, +which now beset all the avenue leading to the two Houses. + +From mouth to mouth the mournful tidings flew with unexampled rapidity. +The very prominent situation in which Mr. Perceval stood, the active +and important business he was daily seen engaged in, made men almost +seem to doubt if it were possible that such a career could so suddenly +be closed for ever. The rumours sent forth had the same effect on every +one they reached, I might almost say, that it has been shown they had on +me and my companions. All who heard that the right honourable gentleman +was dead, seemed to determine instantly to verify the fact by repairing +to Westminster. It was about a quarter past five in the afternoon of +the 11th of May that Mr. Perceval was shot in the lobby of the House, +and, by six, countless thousands poured down the Strand and all the +streets leading to Charing Cross. Second editions of the evening papers +were got out with astonishing expedition; and, by the time I have +mentioned, one had been carried so far towards Westminster as the end +of Parliament-street, opposite Downing-street. The extreme eagerness of +every one to know all that could be known, I remember, instantly got a +crowd round the bearer of it. Ownership and ceremony were not thought +of: every one who could get hold of the much-coveted broad sheet, +considered that he had a right to it. I, among a host of intruders, +saw there, in the manner described, the first connected detail of the +catastrophe. + +As the night closed in, the crowd became immense, and some discreditable +exultation was expressed by the lowest of the mob; but the general +feeling created was that of humane commiseration and unmitigated horror. + +Admiring the great talents of Mr. Perceval as I did, and impressed with +a conviction that he was most amiable in private life, my own sorrow +was great; and I rejoiced at the thought that the murderer was in safe +custody, and would possibly, (as the sessions were about to commence,) +before a single week should have elapsed, suffer the last penalty of the +law. + +Never shall I forget the spectacle which the House of Commons presented +on the following day. Those who have been in the habit of going there, +must have noticed with some annoyance the ceaseless murmur which +prevails for the first hour, or hour and a half, after the Speaker has +taken the chair, while private bills and petitions of little interest, +are being disposed of, and papers presented at the bar. The monotonous +repetition by the Speaker of the words, "So many as are of that opinion +say '_aye_,' those who are of a contrary opinion say '_no_;' the ayes +have it," on putting questions which are unopposed,--the ceaseless +slamming of doors,--the creaking of shoes of some of those members who +seem to delight in displaying their elegance by marching, or I might +almost say by skating, up and down the body of the House, as if to let +their friends, the strangers in and under the gallery, see how very +grand it is possible for them to look,--and the frequent cry of "Order! +order!" "Bar! bar!" from the Chair, given forth, as was then the case, +with full-toned dignity of Mr. Speaker Abbot (the late Lord Colchester), +altogether gave the idea of a careless, irregular assembly,--of anything +but a place where the most important business of a great nation was to +be transacted. Such was its usual aspect in those days; but on the 12th +of May 1812, most widely different I found the scene. The attendance was +unusually full, but solemn funereal stillness marked the approach of +each member to assist in the proceedings growing out of the recent and +melancholy fate of the minister. + + "How silent did his old companions tread" + +on that floor over which they had so long been accustomed to pass +with him whose fall they now lamented! Party feeling was annihilated; +all mourned, and many wept, for the deceased, as if he had been their +nearest, dearest friend or relative. A place on the ministerial bench +was pointed at from the gallery as that which Mr. Perceval had been +used to fill. I am not aware, though he generally sat nearly in the +same place, that any precise spot was particularly reserved for him; +and on the occasion which it is my object to recall, certainly no such +theatrical effort at effect was made. The vacant seat was soon occupied +by one of the late right honourable gentleman's colleagues. + +Not only was there the abstinence from conversation, which I have noted, +but action--the common ordinary motions of gentlemen meeting in assembly +were suspended. The benches were filled with unwonted regularity; and +their occupants, scarcely venturing on a whisper, and hardly changing +their position, seemed almost like breathing statues, while they awaited +with awful interest the announcement of what steps the government +proposed to take, and what information had been obtained by them +respecting the event which had deprived the administration of its chief. + +The silence which prevailed was at length broken by the Speaker, who, +with an effort at firmness, but in a tone somewhat subdued, pronounced +the name of Lord Castlereagh, (the Late Marquis of Londonderry,) who had +at that moment presented himself at the bar. + +His lordship, in a faltering voice, stated that he was the bearer of a +message from the Prince Regent. + +"Please to bring it up," was the matter-of-course reply, and his +lordship handed the paper to the Chair. It was forthwith read. The +Regent expressed his deep regret for the event, which he could never +cease to deplore, and recommended to the House to make a provision for +the family of Mr. Perceval. + +It was then moved that the House should resolve itself into a committee, +to take into consideration the message; and that being done, Lord +Castlereagh took upon himself the task of addressing the members on the +painful subject which they were then to entertain. His lordship spoke +with great feeling. A more than official attachment seemed to connect +his lordship with the late premier. On an occasion then recent, when +the conduct of his lordship had been the subject of grave accusation +respecting the disposal of certain seats in that House, Mr. Perceval +had defended him with great earnestness and success; and, doing so, his +declaration was, "I raise my voice for the man I esteem, and the friend +I love." + +In the course of his statement, the noble lord had, in connexion with +the awful event of the preceding day, to make known the conviction of +the ministry, from all the inquiries that had down to that hour been +instituted, that the act of Bellingham was perfectly unconnected with +any general scheme or conspiracy. Proceeding to speak of the domestic +distress it had caused, he said, the children left by Mr. Perceval were +twelve in number. "For the widow," he added, "her happiness in this +world is closed;" and the painful feelings by which he was oppressed so +overpowered him, that he was unable to proceed. He burst into tears, and +with strong emotions raised a handkerchief to his eyes, and concealed +his face for some moments. + +With a knowledge of subsequent events, I cannot but recall this passage +of Lord Castlereagh's address, though perfectly appropriate at the +time, with a cynical glance,--a something between mirth and sorrow. +Looking at the picture drawn of Mrs. Perceval, and remembering that +horror at learning the fate of her husband was said to have almost +petrified her; that, wild and unconscious, the most fatal effects were +anticipated from her excessive woe, till, by the advice of her medical +attendants, she was led into the room where the corpse of her lord was +lying, when that ghastly spectacle caused her tears to flow, and thus +afforded the bursting heart some relief; I cannot recall these things, +without connecting with them the news which the fashionable world were +destined at no very distant period to receive, that this afflicted and +heart-broken lady, the mother of twelve children, had been again led +to the altar by a gallant officer much younger than herself. Of the +matrimonial discord that followed, I will not speak. + +I am not going to copy from the journals of the House the particulars +of the grant proposed as a provision for the Perceval family, nor from +the papers of the day the debates to which the event gave rise. What +I propose to do is, merely to give a few sketches of the attendant +circumstances, which may be thought interesting now, but were lost sight +of then, from the pressure of matter of greater importance. + +Let it then suffice to say that the House cordially approved of the +course recommended by the Crown. Mr. Whitbread, who had been one of +the most unsparing opponents of the departed premier, was frequently +in tears. He bore testimony to the amiable personal character of the +late minister. "I never," said he, "carry hostility to those from whom +I differ on political questions beyond that door," pointing to the door +opening into the lobby: "with that man it was impossible to carry it so +far." + +It is due to that honourable gentleman to say that this was not a mere +_post mortem_ compliment. With the deceased he had often come into +collision. Mr. Whitbread was irritable, and was sometimes deeply stung +by the sarcasms launched at him by Mr. Perceval. In one debate the +latter, having adverted to predictions formerly made by Mr. Whitbread, +which had not been borne out by events, and to new ones then hazarded, +applied to his assailant the words of Pope, + + "Destroyed his web of sophistry in vain, + The creature's at his dirty work again." + +Mr. Whitbread, nettled at this, spoke to order, and demanded that the +words should be taken down. A very brief and simple explanation restored +his good humour, and the subject was dropped. On another occasion, not +long before Mr. Perceval's death, when some personal altercation had +occurred between them, the right honourable gentleman, in explaining +away that which had given offence, took occasion to say that among his +faults--and he had many--want of respect for the honourable member was +not one of them. Mr. Whitbread, in cordially accepting the explanation, +replied, that "among all the right honourable gentleman's virtues--and +he had many--there was none more to be admired than the promptness with +which he could return to friendly conference from the heat of political +debate." + +There was, indeed, much affability about Mr. Perceval's manner. Many +anecdotes of his condescension were published at the time. An instance +of his courtesy and good-nature occurs to me which has never appeared in +print. + +At a grand city feast in Guildhall, the publisher of a fashionable +journal having taken wine rather freely, was hoaxed by some mischievous +friend with a belief that Mr. Perceval was one of the officers of the +hall, and under this impression, wishing to leave for a short time, +accosted him with a theatrically pompous air, which the individual (a +well-known character at that time among the votaries of the drama,) +loved to assume, and said, + +"My good fellow, I wish to step into King-street for a moment; you'll +take notice of me and let me in again," at the same time offering to +slip half-a-crown into the hands of the prime minister. The gift was +declined, and Mr. Perceval replied with a smile, "I am sorry it is not +in my power to oblige you; but you had better speak to some of those +gentlemen," pointing to the marshalmen; "they may be able to do what you +wish." + +While the good qualities of the deceased were rehearsed, and the +consequences of his fate to the government and to the country were +discussed, curiosity naturally turned to the cause of the important +change. Great was my surprise to learn that the individual was not +wholly unknown to me; I was soon reminded of the singular personage who +had attracted notice by his manner and his opera-glass in the gallery. +That was no other than Bellingham; and two of the gentlemen who had been +in the habit of meeting, and perhaps of conversing with him there, were +the first who advanced after the dreadful deed to secure him in the +lobby. + +The remainder of that unhappy man's story is soon told. In the course +of a day or two the coroner's inquest returned a verdict of wilful +murder, and the grand jury a true bill against him. On the Friday he +stood at the bar of the Old Bailey to take his trial. He made a long +rambling defence, and occasionally his agony was so great, not for his +impending fate, but from recollection of the sufferings of a wife, whom +he described with fondness, that it deeply affected all present. It was +attempted to prove him insane; but certainly there were no grounds for +considering him in that state which the law requires shall be proved to +exempt the murderer from capital punishment. He himself opposed that +plea. A verdict of Guilty was returned, and on the succeeding Monday +the sentence of death was carried into effect. The case was from the +first so clear, the evidence so conclusive, that the prisoner was +perhaps the only man in England who expected any other result. He seemed +to look for an acquittal. With every one else conviction and death +were thought inevitable,--indeed so much matters of course, that the +following singular announcement, through some slip of the pen, in the +_Morning Post_ of Thursday, "The trial will take place to-morrow, the +execution on Monday," was hardly viewed as reprehensible, hazardous, or +extraordinary; though certainly such a one, but in that single instance, +I have never seen. H. T. + + + + + EPIGRAM. + + "Make _hay_ while the sun shines," cried old Gaffer Grey, + When lounging to make with fair Susan _sweet_ hay. + "Keep off!" said the maiden, whose brow was o'ercast, + "_Your hey-day of life_, pray remember, has past." + R. J. + + + + + LOVE IN THE CITY. + + PREFACE. + +In offering the following dramatic production to a discerning public, +the author respectfully intimates, that, notwithstanding an accidental +similarity in name between this play and one by Mr. William Shakspeare, +in plot, language, and situations, the two dramas will be found to +differ totally. "_Love in the City_" is of that order generally +termed "the Domestic;" and, while the incidents are varied, simple, +and common-place, it is to be hoped that the _dénouement_ will be +acknowledged singularly striking and effective. + +To restore the legitimate drama, whose neglect has been so long and +uselessly deplored, has been the author's principal aim; and, in the +construction of the play here presented to the world, he trusts that he +has eminently succeeded. No German horrors have been employed; the use +of thunder and lightning has been dispensed with; not even a dance of +demons has been introduced; and, with the exception of reproducing Mr. +Clipclose, senior, in the second act, after he had shuffled off this +mortal coil, there is not an event in the whole drama, but those of +every-day occurrence. + +Although "_Love in the City_" has been expressly written for the eminent +performers whose names are attached to the _dramatis personæ_, the +author will extend a limited privilege of acting to country managers, +he receiving a clear half of the gross receipts of their respective +houses. Any offer short of this stipulation will remain unattended to. +Music-sellers may address proposals for the melodies to Mr. Richard +Bentley; and, should my attempt at piracy be detected,--the copyright +of the drama being duly entered at Stationers' Hall,--persons thus +offending are respectfully informed that they will be subjected to an +action at law. + THE AUTHOR. + Camomile-street, May 1, 1837. + + + + + LOVE IN THE CITY; + OR, ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL. + + A MELODRAMATIC EXTRAVAGANZA, + _In Two Acts._ + +_As it is to be performed at the Theatre-Royal, Drury-Lane, with +rapturous applause._ + +_The words_ not _by Thomas Moore,_ nor _the music by Henry R. Bishop._ + + + DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. + +_Captain Connor_,--a gentleman from Ireland, with black whiskers and +four wives, six feet two high, a sergeant in the 2nd Life-Guards, in +love with Mrs. Clipclose, _cum multis aliis_,--MR. CHARLES KEMBLE (his +reappearance on the stage for this occasion only). + +_Mr. Robert Clipclose_,--an eminent mercer, of amorous disposition, and +in embarrassed circumstances,--MR. SHERIDAN KNOWLES. + +_Old Clipclose_,--father to Robert, a retired tradesman, afflicted by +gout and avarice, with a house at Highgate,--MR. WILLIAM FARREN. + +_His Ghost_,--MR. T. P. COOKE. + +_Jeremiah Scout_,--in the confidence of Mr. and Mrs. Clipclose, and +porter to the establishment,--MR. HARLEY. + + _Samuel Snags_, } clerks to Clipclose and Co. and men of fashion, + _Matthew Mags, and_ } their names omitted by mistake in the Court + _Philip Poppleton_, } Calendar,--MESS. LISTON, VINING, and YATES. + +_Timothy O'Toole_,--corporal, 2nd Life-Guards, troop No. 4--MR. TYRONE +POWER. + +_Benjamin Blowhard_,--trumpeter, same troop,--MR. J. RUSSELL. + +_Pieman and All-hot_,--by a POST-CAPTAIN and an ASSISTANT-SURGEON, H.P. +R.N. Their first appearance on any stage. + +_Policemen A. and S._--by two gentlemen from the country, of great +provincial celebrity. + +_Mrs. Clipclose_,--lady-like and extravagant, in love with Captain +Connor,--MRS. BUTLER, who has kindly promised to come from North America +to sustain the character, and is hourly expected, per the "Silas +Tomkins, of New York." + +_Miss Juliana Smashaway_,--a young lady of great personal attraction and +small fortune, in lodgings in Upper Stamford-street, and in love with +Captain Connor,--MISS ELLEN TREE. + +_Annette_, vulgò _Netty_,--a maid of all work, engaged to Samuel Snags, +and in love with Captain Connor,--MADAME VESTRIS. + + _Captains Wife_, _No. 1_, --MISS HELEN FAUCIT. + _Do._ _No. 2_, --MRS. YATES. + _Do._ _No. 3_, --MRS. NISBIT. + _Do._ _No. 4_, --MISS VINCENT. + +_Kitty_,--lady of the bed-chamber to Miss Smashaway,--MISS MORDAUNT. + +Men about town, women ditto, apprentices, guardsmen, police A. 27 and F. +63, attendants, &c. &c. &c. _by eminent performers_. + +_Time_, rather indefinite. _Scene_, always within sound of Bow-bell, and +chiefly in Ludgate-hill _or_ Upper Stamford-street. + + +ACT I.--SCENE I. + + Morning rather misty; St. Paul's striking + eleven, as the curtain rises to hurried music, + and discovers a haberdasher's shop with plate-glass + windows. _Snags_, _Mags_, and _Poppleton_ with sundry + assistants, their hair in papers; but evidently + preparing for business. Enter _Jeremiah Scout_ with + a watering-pot; he sprinkles the floor, while the + apprentices are arranging their neckcloths. _Snags_ + coughs, evincing a recent recovery from influenza. He + comes forward, and sings. + + AIR--_Mr. Snags._--(Guy Mannering.) + + Oh! sleep, Mr. Clipclose, + You were up all the night; + You commenced at "The Finish," + And closed with a fight. + Oh! keep yourself quiet, and sleep while you may, + Nor dream that the bailiffs are over the way. + + (_When the song ends, Poppleton advances to the front counter, and + waves his yard. Dead silence. All turn to him._) + + _Pop._--Gemmen, you know of late that trade is dull, + And the till empty, while the town is full: + Bills have come round, and bankers won't renew; + Our master's dish'd, and we are in a stew. + + _Mags._--Alas! my friends, what Poppy says is true; + All's black without, and all within is blue: + Our fates are certain,--Whitecross, or the Fleet; + Writs are sued out, and bums are in the street. + + _1st Apprentice_ (_a stout lad, with light hair, and enamelled + shirt-studs--sobbing_).--Short as short credit, shorter than short + whist, Short as a barmaid's anger when she's kiss'd; Shorter than + all, ah! Clipclose, was thy span--Oh, such a master! such a nice + young man! + + _Snags_ (_with considerable firmness and feeling_).--Come, hang it! + let's keep heart, tho' trade may fail; + It's only lying six weeks in a jail! + What with good company and sporting play, + Kind friends, sound claret, and a lady gay, + Speed the dull hours, and while the weeks away. + Time's rapid flight men scarce have time to view, + And, old scores clear'd, we open them anew. + + (_He pauses, and mounts an elevated desk; his voice and attitude + expressive of desperate determination._) + + Here, to the last, I'll take my wonted stand, + Receive the flimsies from each fair one's hand. + Courage my trumps! (_to the apprentices_;) unpaper all your hair;} + Let our gay banner wanton in the air} + To pull in flats, and make the natives stare!} + + (_All discard their papillotes, while the junior apprentice seizes a + large placard, and suspends it over the door. On a dark ground, + and in gold capitals, appears the device._ + + EMPORIUM OF ELEGANCE! + _Clipclose and Co._ + _No connexion over the way._ + _The youngest may buy._ + NO ADVANTAGE TAKEN HERE!!! + + _Sundry persons collect about the door; and a yellow cab, No. + 1357, stops._) + + _Snags (aside) to the apprentices._--Covies, be brisk; our customers + approach! + Go, Pop, and hand yon lady from her coach. + A simpering smile is still a tradesman's treasure; + Give them enough of gammon, and short measure! + + _Miss Juliana Smashaway enters._ _Mags bowing obsequiously._ + + _1st App._--Shall your cab wait, ma'am? + + _Miss S._ Ask Jarvey if he's willing. + + _Mags._--Gods! what a voice! its tones so soft, so thrilling! + + _Pop._ (_aside._)--Now, blow me tight! her beauty's downright killing! + + _Snags_ (_from his desk_).--Mags, could you give me coppers for a + shilling? + + _App._--What shall I show? silks? purple, yellow, green? + + _Miss S._--I merely want a yard of bombasin. + + _Snags_ (_in evident admiration_).--Lord! what a flash 'un! Attend + that lady, Pop; And let her have the cheapest in the shop. + + (_Poppleton introduces Miss Juliana Smashaway into the back + show-room, and the scene closes._) + + + SCENE II.--_Ludgate-hill._ + + A front drawing-room; furniture French-polished, + red silk window-curtains, and green sun-blinds; + breakfast-table laid. Enter, from her + boudoir, L. H. _Mrs. Clipclose_, fashionably dressed + in pink gingham. She advances to the chimney-piece, + and looks at an ormolu clock; her countenance showing + surprise. + + _Mrs. C._--What! not astir at almost twelve o'clock? + (_Looks in the glass_). Upon my life, a most becoming frock! + How late Bob sleeps! I think I'm getting fatter. + We both were late. (_Noise heard._) I wonder what's the matter. + I, at Vauxhall; and Bob, upon the batter. + Heigh-ho! these men are very seldom true. + I hope the captain recollects at two + We meet at Charing-cross to drive to Kew. + (_Opens the piano, and sits down._) + + AIR--_Mrs. Clipclose._--("I met her at the Fancy fair.") + + I met him in an omnibus: + He spoke not; but his sparkling eyes + Told the fond secret of his heart, + And found an answer in my sighs. + + (_Enter, from dressing-room_, R. H. _Young Clipclose, in a flowered + morning-gown, and kid slippers. He yawns while arranging sundry rings + upon his fingers._) + + TRIO--_Mr. and Mrs. Clipclose, and Annette._ + + ("Jenny put the kettle on.") + + _Mr. C._ + + Dear me! my head is aching so, + This soft white hand is shaking so; + I sure must give up raking, O! + + (_Politely turning to his lady._) + + Good morning! Mistress C. + + (_Annette appears at the door, back of the stage, as if answering the + bell._) + + _Mrs. C._ + Netty, bring the muffins up, + Put down the cream, and rince a cup; + Your master's had an extra sup-- + + (_Looking archly at her husband._) + + Ah! naughty Mister C. + + _Annette_ (_aside, presenting a note to her mistress_). + + The potboy brought this _billet-doux_. + (_Aloud._) Oh, Lord! I hear a creaking shoe, + And here will be a sweet too-roo, + With grumpy Mister C. + + _Mr. and Mrs. C., and Netty, together._ + + And here will be a sweet too-roo! + + _Gruff voice outside._ + + I say, where's Bobby C.? + + (_Enter, in a passion, Mr. Clipclose, senior._) + + _Mr. C. sen._--I say, where's Bob? Not down at twelve o'clock! + I thought to find the scoundrel taking stock; + Or, at the counter, serving folks quite civil. + + _Mrs. C._ (_pertly._)--He's going, sir. + + (_Bob vanishes._) + + _Mr. C. sen._ Ay! quickly, to the devil! + + (_Turning angrily to Mrs. C._) + + And you, gay madam! Zounds! this gown is new! + What you wore yesterday was sprigged with blue. + Upon the road to ruin, wives drive hard, + When they wear chintz at eight-and-six a yard. + + _Mrs. C._ (_disdainfully._)--If you would know the price, + ask Miss Brocard. + + _Mr. C. sen._--Hear, haughty madam, while my mind I speak, + If Bob don't mend--(_a long pause_)--I'll marry this day week! + I'll have boys too-- (_A sudden fit of coughing interrupts him._) + + _Mrs. C._ (_sarcastically_).--I'm sure the spirit's willing. + + _Mr. C. sen._--And I'll cut off your husband with a shilling! + + (_Exit, in a desperate rage. Mrs. C. and Netty laugh immoderately._) + + _Annette._--Why, bless us, madam, but the man's a bear! + At eighty-one to threat us with an heir. + + _Mrs. C._--Pish! 'tis mere dotage; his brains are in the moon. + + (_Sits down to the piano._) + + What shall I play, Net? + + _Annette._ Play "_The Bold Dragoon_." + + (_Music soft and expressive. The scene closes._) + + SCENE III.--_The back show-room._ + + Miss Juliana Smashaway surrounded + by shopmen and apprentices, all + presenting various articles, and anxious + individually to attract attention. + + _Miss S._--Lord, what nice men! their words are sweet as honey; + And, stranger still, they won't take ready money. + I fork'd a five-pound flimsy out in vain-- + They're civil men, and I'll look in again. + + _Snags_ (_beseechingly_).--Madam, your card? + + _Mags_ (_with deep emotion_). And, might I humbly press + For Miss Juliana Smashaway's address? + + _1st App._--Accept these gloves. + + _2nd App._ This tabinet from me. + + _Clipclose, jun._ (_enters hastily--appears + thunderstruck--starts--pulls off a ring, and, rushing + forward, exclaims as he presents it_,) + + And this from your devoted Robert C.! + + _Miss S._--Why, this flogs all, and Banaher's[103] beat hollow. + Gemmen, adieu! (_She bows, retiring._) + + _Clerks and Apprentices_ (_dolorously_).--She's gone! + + _Mr. C._ (_passionately_.) And I will follow! + + Exit Miss Smashaway; Clipclose + after her. She jumps into a yellow cab, + and he into a green one. Both start at a + killing pace for Blackfriars' Bridge; yellow + cab upsets a pieman, and green demolishes an + establishment of "all hot." Clerks, shopmen, + and apprentices strike their foreheads with + considerable violence, and return behind the + counters despondingly. Distant music from a + barrel-organ. Scene closes. + + SCENE IV.--_Mrs. Clipclose's Boudoir_. + + Mrs. C. in sea-green satin, + putting on a cottage bonnet with + artificial flowers. Lavender-coloured gloves + upon the toilet, and _selon la règle_, a + fresh pocket-handkerchief. Netty in attendance. + + _Annette._--Upon my life, the gemmen's hearts you'll fleece! + What is so handsome as a green pelisse? + + _Mrs. C._--Now for my love. Should Mr. C. return, + Tell him I dine with Mrs. Simon Byrn. + + _Annette._--Yes, ma'am. + + (_Jeremiah Scout enters the boudoir unannounced._) + + _Mrs. C._ (_indignantly._)--How's this? Why, Scout, you're + monstrous rude! + + _Jeremiah_ (_with strong exertion_.)--Down, my full heart! + I hope I don't intrude? The saddest news, alas, to tell I'm come! + + (_A long and harrowing pause._) + + Your husband's tapp'd by Tappington, the bum! + + TRIO--_Mrs. C., Annette, and Jerry._--(Bobbing Joan.) + + _Jer._ + My master's off to jail. + + _Mrs C._ + Bolts and chains will bind him. + + _Netty._ + Well! there's a comfort left; + One still knows where to find him. + + _Mrs. C._ + Grief for him, I'm sure, + This tender heart will smother. + + _Jer._ + I know a certain cure, + And that's to try another. + + _Trio._ + Tar-a-la-ra-la, tar-a-la-ra-loo-dy. + + _Mrs. C._ + At the thought I'll faint. + + _Annette._ + My lady's over-nice, sir! + + _Mrs. C._ + Although the cure is quaint, + I'll follow your advice, sir. + + _Jer._ + I don't, then, make too free? + + _Mrs. C._ + No, sir; upon my honour! + + _Annette._ + I'm ready for a spree. + + _Mrs. C._ + And I for Captain Connor. + + _Grand Chorus._ + Tar-a-la-ra-la. + (_With a pas de trois in character._) + +End of Act 1. Curtain falls amid a thunder of applause, and an +uproarious call for Mrs. Butler, Madame Vestris, and Mr. Harley. They +come reluctantly forward. Audience rise by general consent. Cheers and +clapping continue five minutes. Stage-bell rings. Performers retire with +their hands upon their hearts. Waving of handkerchiefs from the boxes, +bravos from the pit, and whistling from the shilling gallery. + +[103] NOTE, _by Dr. Southey._--It may be objected that a lady like Miss +Juliana Smashaway, born in Crutched Friars, and educated in a select +seminary at Kennington Cross, should use the well-known _Hibernicism_, +"This beats Banaher." But let it be remembered that she was devotedly +attached to Captain Connor; consequently, often in his company; and +hence naturally would adopt the language of one whom she "loved not +wisely, but too well." The same remark is applicable to the term +"_Too-roo_," used by Netty in the beautiful _trio_, _Act 1, Scene 2_. + + * * * * * + + + + + EPIGRAM. + + "You're a false, cruel wretch! not a year after marriage, + To try to degrade me, and put down the carriage!" + "A lady, my dear," was the answering reproach, + "Is known by her _carriage_, but not by her _coach_!" + R. J. + + + + + MRS. JENNINGS, + "WHO WANTED SOMEBODY TO CARE FOR HER." + +Theophilus Bullfinch was a bachelor, middle-aged, and sufficiently +stout to look respectable. A spare man conveys a feeling of spareness +in all things. The eye never rests so contentedly as on a fat and what +is generally termed a "comfortable-looking" personage; a stout man +carries an appearance of wealth in the very folds of his coat, and so +did Theophilus Bullfinch. But, alas! although temptation fell not in his +way, he fell in the way of Mrs. Jennings! + +"Time tells a tale,"--and we behold our bachelor located at a +watering-place, no less famous for the civility and unimposing character +of its inhabitants than the select nature of its visiters,--Margate. +This, no one, we are sure, will venture to deny, who has "seasoned" it +for three or four months. The kindly feelings of its inhabitants are +perceptible even in its ass-drivers. Where will you find such fatherly +boys to their donkeys,--such yellow shoes,--such society, as at Margate? +We are sure our readers will say with us, Nowhere! + +Theophilus felt this; and ventured a trip, and a house, for he bought +one, urged thereto by a lady acquaintance, by name Mrs. Palaver,--a lady +who drove not only her husband, but a pair of ponies, and astonished +the eyes both of "quality" and "natives" by the way she did the +genteel,--that is, as far as her ponies went: for herself, she had +a soul above mean approbation. Among the "select" at the libraries, +Mrs. P. was the ruling star; and, to judge not only from the redness +of her face, but as her husband could testify, Mars in petticoats. +She shilling-loo'd and "one-in-three'd," even to the hinderance of +"The Concert;" but no one bore interruptions of this nature with so +much philosophical sweetness as Old Bones, the proprietor; and as the +"one-in-threes" bore to him a profit of three to one, the dulcet tones +of the signora of the rooms were often eclipsed by Mrs. P.'s _shake_, +or "_go_," as it is called. Our readers may be curious as to the name +of the "signora:" it was Mrs. Nobs by day, Signora Nobini by night. And +such a voice! The little boys in Hawley-square heard as well as the +company inside,--in fact rather better, for they complained of its being +a _leetle_ too forte. + +But although Mrs. Palaver put down shillings, she picked up +friends,--dear souls of the newest importation,--and among the rest +Mrs. Jennings. Mrs. Jennings was a widow who "_wanted somebody to care +for her_." She had a small independence, and, if we may venture to +judge from subsequent events, a _very_ small independence; in fact, +it might be doubted if it were an independence at all. She was tall, +scraggy, and thin--we use a homely simile--as a pancake; the effect of +grief, doubtless. She had lost a husband, she said, who doted on her; +and, having lost so great a treasure, can we wonder at her unwearied +exertions to obtain a fresh supply of affection? Theophilus was a man +of money. Mrs. Jennings could not boast of the same golden fruit; and, +as she wanted "_somebody to care for her_," she fixed her eye--a grey +one--upon Theophilus Bullfinch. + +"They met," not in a "crowd," but at a tea and card party; at the +mutual friend's, Mrs. Palaver, where real eighteenpenny Cape, and +diamond-cut sandwiches of the size and thinness of a three-cornered +note, indicated the gentility of the lady of the house. Theophilus +and the widow were partners,--a beginning not to be despised. Mrs. +Jennings looked confusion over her hand, and vowed her heart must +fall to his king of clubs. Theophilus blushed; she sighed, and intent +upon a _new game_, lost the rubber! Theophilus paid for himself; the +widow had a mind above trifles. Theophilus was tempted,--what man is +not at times?--and paid for Mrs. Jennings. The first stone was laid, +and the widow saw the church already built, the door open, and the +parson's hand in the same inviting position. The next morning, Mrs. +Jennings, our bachelor, and the _mutual friend_ were to perambulate +the fields, or rather corn-fields, and numerous of the "quality" were +drifting along the chalky roads on an equestrian tour; asses were at a +premium, and young ladies legs _going up_. Our party wended their way, +and Mrs. J. talked of the days when she and Mr. J. made love in a corn +field. If she had only somebody _to care for her_!--and Mrs. Jennings +squeezed something very like a tear into the corners of her eyes. We +know not what effect they might have had on the dear departed, but to +our bachelor they appeared the essence of affection,--pretty little +drops, distilled from that great alembic, the heart. Theophilus, we +have before hinted, was unused to the sweet witchery of womankind, +and in the simplicity of his soul thought tears must be a natural +production! Let not the wise in the lore of matrimony laugh at his +ignorance,--Theophilus was a bachelor! + +He was touched by this unexampled proof of, to him, affection; and, +drawing himself into closer proximity with Mrs. Jennings than he had +before ventured, began-- + +"My dear ma'am, don't distress yourself. Men are like ears of corn." + +"I know it," cried Mrs. Jennings, twisting one round her finger as she +spoke. + +"Like grass, ma'am; and Time's scythe mows down husbands and fathers!" + +"Oh! oh!" sobbed the widow. + +"Is there anything I can do to comfort you, ma'am?" asked Theophilus +inquiringly. + +Mrs. Jennings looked assent, and kept twisting the ear of corn. + +"A good wife, ma'am, is a jewel,--the tears are still in your eyes,--and +will you allow me to make you an offer----" + +"An offer!" said Mrs. Jennings; and the tears, spite of herself, shrunk +back, as though ashamed of what they were doing,--"an offer!" + +"Of my handkerchief," said Theophilus. + +A clover-field is a dangerous thing to walk in. Philosophers may divine +the cause,--we only know it is so; sentiment is not for the highway: +love and clover are synonymous. Mrs. Jennings knew this, and trotted the +unsuspecting, uninitiated Theophilus into one, accordingly. Poppies, +we know not why, do grow in clover; and Bullfinch--he was fond of +botanising--plucked one, and, lamenting that violets were out of bloom, +gave it to Mrs. Jennings. This was enough; and she whispered to the lady +who was doing _thirdy_, "He must mean something." + +The town residence of Theophilus Bullfinch was in one of the squares +in the neighbourhood of the Museum. But what is a house if it want a +woman's smile? So thought Mrs. Jennings and she let no opportunity pass +of "popping in;"--we are grieved to say the _popping_ was all upon her +side. She would call as she was passing--the day was so hot--to +take a rest; or the day was so cold, and she wanted--the truth must be +spoken--a warm! What could Theophilus do? With a grim welcome on his +face, and a "D--n the woman!" in his heart, he grumbled out, "You'd +better take a chair." Mrs. Jennings did, and anything else she could +get. But getting was a point not easily arrived at; for if Bullfinch +loved one thing more than another, it was himself. She would bring him, +by way of treat, wrapt in the corner of her pocket handkerchief; five +or six nice little ginger-cakes, of her own making, of the size, and +bearing a strong family likeness to what children call "sixes;" but +finding all her entreaties thrown away, and her ginger-cakes likely to +be in the same predicament, she would in the liberality of her soul +take them into the kitchen by way of present to the housekeeper, who +"pshaw'd!" as soon as her back was turned, and, enlarging upon the +merits of her own ginger-cakes, gave them to the maid, and she--they +went no farther: servant-maids have good appetites. + +What woman could bear these slights of fortune tamely? We can take upon +ourselves to say Mrs. Jennings did not; but, intent upon the one great +object of a woman's life,--a husband,--she let no opportunity pass of +reporting that herself and Theophilus were shortly to be one, fully +convinced of the fact that, though marriages may be made in heaven, +there is nothing like speculating upon them on earth; and hoping, no +doubt, to discover the true philosophers stone, which "turneth all to +gold,"--Theophilus was a man of wealth,--she left no stone unturned to +get him; and, to give things an appearance, she sat herself down--we +tremble as we write--in no less a place than his bedroom, determined not +to quit it until, as she observed, "there was an understanding between +them." Theophilus was horror-stricken, the housekeeper no less so, and +the servant-maid all flutters and ribbons. + +"Oh! oh!" gasped the widow, "you base man!--a weak woman as I am!" + +"Very!" grunted Theophilus. + +The housekeeper here interfered. "What's the use of crying about it? Why +don't you look after somebody else?" + +"Ah!" sobbed the widow, "you don't know what's atwixt us!" + +"I wish the street-door was," thought Bullfinch. + +The lady was inexorable. "The poppy," she said, "had done the business! +If she had only _someone to care for her_!" Her feelings overcame her, +and she lay upon the bed in agony of finely-developed grief, we presume, +for the convenience of fainting. + +Theophilus was at his wits' end, and a something very like a "D--n me!" +was at his tongue's; but, "nursing his wrath," and echoing the words +of an Eastern sultan, that "he who finds himself in a fire ought to be +resigned to the Divine will; but whoever is out of the fire ought to be +careful, and keep himself in his happy state." Thus far he thought with +Mahomet; so he put on his hat and sallied forth, leaving Mrs. Jennings +in undisputed possession of his bed. Whether this argued a want of +taste, or was only a chastening of the spirit, we will not attempt +to define; but certain it is he went out, and the widow, finding her +efforts ineffectual, did the ditto. + +Days passed, and so did Mrs. Jennings the house; the servant-maid, +with a prudent industry, answering the door in the area. Bullfinch +(in a money-getting lane in the City the curious reader will see the +Co. written after it) was a merchant; and as, in the ordinary course +of things, it is necessary to emerge into the streets previously to +reaching the place "where merchants most do congregate," what was to +be done?--for never did cat watch a rat-hole more patiently, more +hungrily, than the widow the doorway of his house. His modesty was not +widow-proof; and the only way to shun her, was by a back-door, which +opened into a mews: patiently picking his way through mire and dirty +straw, did Theophilus, cursing widows and poppies, wend his way; whilst +she--patience had ceased to be a virtue--vowed vengeance in the streets. + +On a wet day, a day of gloom and splash,--the streets running rivers, +and the skies shedding drops like pebbles,--the passengers dripping, +drenching,--and the New Police, all love and oil-skin, sheltering +themselves under doors and gateways,--sat Theophilus Bullfinch, Esq. in +his easy-chair, brightening the blaze of warm fire by a fresh "stir," +smugly sipping his wine, and in the uprising of his heart wishing +confusion to all widows, and devoting a full glass to the particular +condemnation of Mrs. Jennings. Every now and then he cast an eye to the +patting rain and floating streets, and thanked Heaven which had set the +fruits of fortune ripened for his plucking, and given him that which +made life like a full cup, that he could drink from, nor tire of. He sat +in "contemplation sweet." + +"Whence comes that knocking?" he might have said, had not the +servant-maid saved him the trouble, by saying a young man wanted to see +him. + +"Me!" ejaculated Theophilus. + +"Yes, sir," was the reply, and, after much scrubbing on the doormat, +in a vein endeavour to rub his boots clean, the _young man_ was shown +up, soaked to the skin, and dripping like a watering-pot. Theophilus +opened his eyes; the young man took the same liberty with his mouth, and +inquired if his name was Bullfinch? The answer was in the affirmative. +A chair was set; the servant left the room, and, looking at the muddy +footsteps on the stair-carpets, uttered sundry pretty little sayings +about "dirty feet," "her trouble in the morning;" &c. and retailed her +complaints to the goddess of the kitchen. + +The young man commenced by saying he had brought a little account. + +"And a great deal of wet," gently murmured Theophilus. "A little +account!" + +"Yes, sir,--for board and lodging." + +Bullfinch opened his eyes still wider, and echoed "Board and lodging!" + +"The bill, sir, is four-and-twenty pounds." + +Another echo, and still higher uplifting of the eyebrows: "Where do you +come from?" + +"Blackheath, sir." + +"Blackheath! What! _through_ the rain?" + +The young man ventured a smile as he replied, "No, sir; I wish I had." + +"Board and lodging!--you must have made a mistake." + +"Oh no, sir," said the young man; "here is the bill,--twenty-four weeks, +at a pound a-week, as a parlour-boarder, at Mrs. Twig's establishment +for young ladies." + +Theophilus looked suspiciously at his silver spoons, and eyed the +bell-rope. But a new light seemed to break upon him at the mention of +the word "establishment," as he replied, + +"I am afraid, my good sir, the 'establishment' you come from is in St. +George's Fields. I a parlour-boarder at a young ladies' school!" + +"No, sir; not _you_." + +"Who then?" cried Theophilus. + +"Mrs. Jennings, sir." + +"Mrs. Who!" + +"Jennings, sir." + +Bullfinch sunk back into his uneasy-chair. "Mrs. Jennings!--Mrs. Devil!" +and in the bitterness of his spleen he deemed her no less a personage. +"Mrs. ----" The word, like Macbeth's _amen_, "stuck in his throat." + +There was a pause. At length, plucking his courage by the ears, he +continued; "And do you expect me to pay for this old ----!" We omit the +word; no lady admires being likened to a dog. + +"If you please, sir, I have put 'paid' to the bill." + +"That's lucky, for it's the only way you'll ever have the satisfaction +of seeing it 'paid.' Four-and-twenty pounds!--not so many farthings!" +but the goodness of his disposition got the better of his anger as he +added, "unless to buy her a rope." + +It is needless to dwell longer upon this occurrence, further than by +saying, that the "young man," finding the bill not in a way of being +"settled," or Mrs, Jennings either, took his beaver, or--we like to be +particular--his four-and-ninepenny, no longer a hat, but a piece of +ornamented brown paper in a fine state of decomposition, and was in the +act of leaving the room, when rat! tat! tat! went the door, and another +young man was announced with a bill for acceptance, drawn by Messrs. +Lutestring & Co. for silks, flannels &c. supplied to--Mrs. Jennings! +Monsieur Tonson was nothing to this! Another knock, and a female was +ushered up with a yard-long bill for millinery, &c. done for--Mrs. +Jennings! The "Storm" upon the grand piano was a mere puff to that +raised by Bullfinch. He swore, raved, ordered them from his house, and +finally, thrusting his head between his hands, groaned a bitter groan, +and, smiting his brow, cried, "Oh, that d--d poppy!" + +The following morning, a suspicious-looking person, of a pick-pockety +exterior, and belonging to a similar industrious calling--he was a +lawyer's clerk--knocked at the knocker of Theophilus Bullfinch, and with +that gentlemanly ease and accomplished manner so peculiar to young men +in the law, handed to the aforesaid personage a letter, prettily worded, +and headed "Jennings _versus_ Bullfinch." It was a notice of action for +"breach." + +Tremble, oh, ye bachelors!--and oh, ye spinsters! smirk in the hope +of one day convincing the world you _ought_ to have been married. Mrs. +Jennings was of the same opinion, and, in a spirit of justice to her +sex, put her case into the hands of Messrs. Twist and Strainer, as +respectable a firm as ever undertook a "breach of promise case." It is +needless to say they issued their process with becoming expedition; and +Bullfinch, sorely galled, mastered his antipathy,--we cannot but think +a very foolish one,--and applied to an attorney!--in the hope--men +catch at straws--that an attorney _might_ be an honest man! Alas! that +a person of his years should not have more wisdom!--It is perhaps +necessary to inform the reader that the damages were laid at five +thousand pounds. + +The day of trial arrived. Theophilus, with a blushing face and tremulous +heart, squeezed himself into a seat beside his legal adviser; his +eyes upon the floor, and his hands feelingly placed in his pockets. +He fancied all eyes bent on his, and smarted under them as they were +burning-glasses. By degrees his timidity abated, and at the bustle +occasioned by the judge coming into court had so far summoned courage +as to raise his eyes. They met, "gently beaming," the eyes of Mrs. +Jennings, who was seated in the gallery. He would rather have looked on +a wolf's; but a sort of fascination, as birds feel looking at serpents, +kept them fixed,--nailed to the eyes of what seemed to him his evil +genius; whilst she, with the bland look of injured innocence, jerked a +few tears into her eyes, and, taking out her pocket-handkerchief,--a +clean one for the occasion,--wept, that is, she appeared to do so; but a +woman's tears, like her ornaments, are not always real. + +She looked, and Bullfinch spell-bound met her gaze; but, as a friend of +ours once said, "He gave her a look!" + +The proceedings commenced. The learned counsel opened the case by +enlarging upon "the enormity of the defendant's crime, and the +plaintiff's unprotected state; a crime," the learned counsel went on +to say, "unparalleled in the annals of the law; a crime, my lord and +gentlemen, which breaks into the peace of families, and takes from +the lovely and the virtuous that jewel no wealth can barter,--her +reputation, gentlemen, her unspotted, her unblushing reputation! Not +that I would be understood to accuse the defendant of seduction. No, +gentlemen; the lady whose case I am pleading is too fair a flower to be +hurt by his calumniating breath!--she is----" + +Here Theophilus uttered a word; we are grieved we cannot repeat it; +but the officer of the court bawled "Silence!" in so loud a tone as +completely to drown it. The learned counsel continued: + +"Yes, my lord and gentlemen, the defendant--I blush, gentlemen, I +blush," and the learned counsel was evidently overcome with the novelty +of his situation,--"the defendant is a man," he resumed, "past the +intoxicating meridian of life, when the feelings of youth flutter like +bees sipping flowers of the fairest hue. He has proved himself----" + +Another ejaculation from Theophilus, and again the officer "Silence'd!" + +"He has proved himself a monster of the blackest dye,--a reptile who +ought to be crushed off the face of the earth! Oh, gentlemen, did you +but know the lady as I do,--have known the sanctity of her private life, +and the ethereal nature of her public one; her loveliness, her virgin +excellence, beloved by relations, idolized by her family!" The lades in +the gallery were visibly affected, and looked daggers at the brute of a +defendant. The counsel, after a pause, resumed: "This, gentlemen, is the +being for whom I am to plead. Englishmen will, I am sure, never desert +the ladies!" + +The jury-box felt the appeal, and looked proudly dignified; and after +dwelling for two hours and three quarters on "the villain who by his +insidious wiles"--Theophilus looked patiently unconscious of his Don +Juan accomplishments--"had wormed himself into the lady's affections, +and then basely left her, a daisy on the stalk, to pine!" he called +upon them as husbands,--"Think of your wives," continued the counsel: +they evidently did, and looked anything but pleased; and urging them as +fathers and as men to give the plaintiff such damages as the enormity of +the crime and the wealth of the defendant warranted, the learned counsel +sat down, evidently to the satisfaction of himself and all who heard him. + +It is needless to dwell longer upon this interesting trial, as the +curiously inclined may read a full account of it in any newspaper of the +date, and therein they will see it stated in evidence how the "mutual +friend" bore witness to Mr. Bullfinch picking the poppy and paying +for the widow at cards. Theophilus had often accused himself of the +folly, and sundry other little etceteras "too numerous to mention." +The housekeeper, in being cross-examined, also bore evidence, though +much against her will, to the intimacy of the parties. The maid--women +invariably hold by each other--always considered master _'gaged_ to +Mrs. Jennings. The jury seemed to think so too, and returned a verdict +of--Theophilus never recovered the shock--five hundred pounds! + +Ye elderly bachelors, and ye bachelors of all degrees, hear this and +pause! There are specks in the sun; can you, in the vanity of your +hearts, think women more immaculate? Alas, the error! Pause then, and, +whenever you play at cards with a lady, think of Theophilus Bullfinch, +and never pay for your partner; and for the rest of your lives, if you +would escape actions for "breach," never pick poppies, or walk in clover +with widows! + +"After all," said Theophilus, as he wrote a check for the amount of +damages, and another for the costs, "even this is better than being +bothered by Mrs. Jennings, especially as she _wanted somebody to care +for her_." H. H. + + + + + HINTS FOR AN HISTORICAL PLAY, + TO BE CALLED + WILLIAM RUFUS; OR, THE RED ROVER. + + + ACT 1. + + Walter Tyrrel, the son of a Norman Papa, + Has, somehow or other, a Saxon Mamma: + Though humble, yet far above mere vulgar loons, + He's a sort of a Sub in the Rufus dragoons; + Has travell'd but comes home abruptly, the rather + That some unknown rascal has murder'd his father; + And scarce has he pick'd out, and stuck in his quiver, + The arrow that pierc'd the old gentleman's liver, + When he finds, as misfortunes come rarely alone, + That his Sweetheart has bolted,--with whom is not known. + But, as murder will out, he at last finds the lady + At court, with her character grown rather shady; + This gives him the "Blues," and impairs the delight + He'd have otherwise felt when they dub him a Knight + For giving a runaway stallion a check, + And preventing his breaking King Rufus's neck. + + + ACT 2. + + Sir Walter has dress'd himself up like a Ghost, + And frightens a soldier away from his post; + Then, discarding his helmet, he pulls his cloak higher, + Draws it over his ears, and pretends he's a Friar. + This gains him access to his Sweetheart, Miss Faucit; + But, the King coming in, he hides up in her closet, + Where, oddly enough, among some of her things + He discovers some arrows he's sure are the King's, + Of the very same pattern with that which he found + Sticking into his father when dead on the ground! + Forgetting his funk, he bursts open the door, + Bounces into the Drawing-room, stamps on the floor, + With an oath on his tongue, and revenge in his eye, + And blows up King William the Second sky-high, + Swears, storms, shakes his fist, and exhibits such airs, + That his Majesty bids his men kick him down stairs. + + + ACT 3. + + King RUFUS is cross when he comes to reflect + That as King he's been treated with gross disrespect; + So he pens a short note to a holy physician, + And gives him a rather unholy commission, + Viz. to mix up some arsenic and ale in a cup, + Which the chances are Tyrrel may find and drink up. + Sure enough, on the very next morning, Sir Walter + Perceives in his walks this same cup on the altar. + As he feels rather thirsty, he's just about drinking, + When Miss Faucit, in tears, comes in running like winking; + He pauses of course, and, as she's thirsty too, + Says, very politely, "Miss F., after you!" + The young Lady curtsies, and, being so dry, + Raises somehow her fair little-finger so high, + That there's not a drop left him to "wet t'other eye:" + While, the dose is so strong, to his grief and surprise, + She merely says, "Thankee, Sir Walter!" and dies. + At that moment the King, who is riding to cover, + Pops in _en passant_ on the desperate lover, + Who has vow'd, not five minutes before, to transfix him; + --So he does,--he just pulls out his arrow and sticks him. + From the strength of his arm, and the force of his blows, + The Red-bearded Rover falls flat on his nose; + And Sir Walter, thus having concluded his quarrel, + Walks down to the foot-lights, and draws this fine moral. + + "Ladies and Gentlemen, + Lead sober lives;-- + Don't meddle with other folks' Sweethearts or Wives!-- + When you go out a sporting, take care of your Gun, + And--Never shoot elderly people for fun!" + + + + + JOHN POOLEDOUNE, + THE VICTIM OF IMPROVEMENTS! + +It was on a fine warm day in June, several years before Beulah Spa +was invented, that, eviting leafy Hampstead, and airy Highgate, and +woody Hornsey, John Pooledoune, with a party of companions, sought +the delights of a rural ramble and pic-nic, amid the sylvan scenery +of Norwood. Of the journey thither, the sporting there, the banquet +on the grass, the hilarious after-dinner bumpers, the casting away of +bottles, and the wide-spread waste of orts, there is no occasion to +speak; suffice it to state, that the frolic and profusion attracted a +visit from a couple of dark-haired and bright-glancing Gipsies, whose +sojourn was thereabouts, and who, though reckless of the present, were, +or pretended to be, deeply read in the future. Their appearance added +to the merriment of the occasion; and, with that natural curiosity +which belongs to human nature, our revellers agreed to have a peep into +futurity palmed upon them, at the small cost of a few silver coins. +One after another were their lines submitted to Sibyllic inspection; +and loud were their laughs as the pretty "brows of Egypt" bent over +their destinies, and told of coming estates, and wives, and children, +and, sooth to add, little amours and indiscretions which nevertheless +promised pleasures hardly less acceptable to the expectant listeners. At +length it fell to the turn of Jack Pooledoune, who was indeed so well +off in the world, that he had little either to hope or to fear from the +fickle goddess; when, all at once, a sudden chill crept over the group, +"a change came o'er the spirit of their dream," and the hitherto gay and +giggling priestesses of mystery assumed aspects of horror and dismay. +What before was curiosity was now intense interest. Whence the cause of +this awful alteration?--why had mirth in a moment given place to these +boding looks and signs of terror? Time and our tale will show; and we +have only here to record the prediction reluctantly wrung from one of +the distraught and shuddering Gipsies. + +"Oh! strange unfortunate Fortunate!" she exclaimed as she conned John +Pooledoune's hand, + + "By making rich, made poor; + By making happy, miserable; + By amending, hurt; by curing, slain; + +never Lost on earth, alive or dead, yet Found by numbers; bodiless +corpse; _The Victim of Improvement_, for ever to improve;-- + + "No hand to close thy eyes, + No eye to see thy grave, + No grave to give thee rest,-- + STRANGE BEING! + +Dead; resembling Death, yet keeping thy place among the dead and the +living; thy end shall not be an ending, and every one shall know that +thou art and art not!" + +With this fearful prophecy the Gipsies took to their heels; and Jack, +with an oath at their impudent mummery, shied half a half-quartern loaf +at their retreating heads. The iced punch was speedily resumed; but, so +strong is the hold of superstition upon us, even when wine and punch +have infused a factitious courage, it was found impossible to re-animate +the convivial festival, and the party returned to town, either in silent +abstraction, or reverting to and commenting on the oddness of the Gipsy +foolery! + +Old Roger Pooledoune was one of the busiest and most substantial of +hosiers in the ward of Cheap; a respectable citizen, whose heart and +soul were in his business, to which he attended from morning to night +as if, instead of toil, it were pleasure; and indeed it did comprehend +the mighty pleasure of profit, the be-all and the end-all of many a +cit. Stockings, stocks, and socks, braces, collars, gloves, nightcaps, +and garters, were all the same to honest Roger; and he would serve his +customers with equal cordiality with every one of these articles, from +the price of a grey groat to the cost of sterling gold. Thus he dealt +and throve. His shop was never empty, for his commodities were reputed +to be of good quality; and, in process of years, his industry was +rewarded with such increase, that his neighbours declared him to be a +warm man, and guessed his worth at no less than thirty thousand pounds. +Nor were they far wrong. + +Roger, like a man ignorant of Malthus, had in the midst of all his +occupations found leisure to court and win a wife; and, in due process, +a certain portion of the stock in the warehouse, namely, some very small +socks, gaiters, &c. had to be transferred _gratis_ to the nursery, +where Isabella, Matilda, and Margaret, and last, John Pooledoune, the +only son, the fruits of his marriage-bed, required such equipments from +their fond father,--the fonder in consequence of the last family event +having made him a widower. Twenty years had elapsed since that period +of mingled joy and woe, of birth and death,--the conjunction of the two +extremes of human life,--when it occurred to the corporation of the +city of London that it would be a vast improvement in the approaches +thereto, and accommodation to the traffic thereof, to have a new bridge +thrown across the bosom of old Father Thames, just where it suited a +company of keen-sighted, speculative, and money-making gentry to have +that operation performed for the public and their own benefit. It so +happened that the site so agreeable to them was exceedingly disagreeable +to Roger Pooledoune, inasmuch as it created a necessity for carrying a +street, as it were the string of a bow, direct to the bridge, not only +leaving his shop at the farthest bend of the said bow, but plunging it +into an unfrequented valley, or _cul de sac_, at which it was irksome +to look from the popular balustrades of the recent direct and splendid +erections. Old Roger, it is true, claimed and received a handsome,--a +very handsome, and neighbourly, and citizen-like compensation: for +his loss in the daily sale of nightcaps and garters was estimated at +the sum of fourteen thousand eight hundred and seventy-seven pounds +sixteen shillings and fivepence three farthings: but, like Othello, his +occupation was gone. The money obtained in a lump was not like the money +gained by slow and minute degrees. He became uncomfortable, uneasy, +irritable; he would gaze up towards the new street to the new bridge, +and, counting the passing crowds, would calculate on the proportional +passing demand for ready-made hosiery of every description. The whole +was diverted into another channel: he could not bear the sight, he could +not endure the idea; and so he pined, and he sickened, and he died, for +want of a brisk retail. + +The disposition of the defunct hosier's property was such as might be +expected from a wealthy and prudent tradesman. He had sunk the fourteen +thousand and odd pounds in annuities on his three daughters, and so tied +them up, that none but themselves--nor brother, nor friend, nor husband, +nor lover--could receive the half-yearly dividends; and, if loan or +mortgage were attempted upon them, they were forfeited for ever. Thus +were they provided with inalienable competencies for the terms of their +natural lives. To John was left the residue, which, when the good will +of the shop was with good will disposed of for nothing, everything else +settled, and affairs wound up, was ascertained to amount to the neat +round sum of two-and-thirty thousand pounds; and thus warmly provided, +the gipsy foredoomed Victim of Improvements began the world, his own +master, and for himself alone. + +John Pooledoune had received what is called a first-rate "commercial +and classical education," at a boarding-school near Deptford, where +these identical words were painted in capital letters on a board which +ran along the entire façade of the building. He had thus been prepared +for more general and severer pursuits; and accordingly, about that era +when the first drum was beat for the March of Intellect, he enrolled +himself in the ranks for the diffusion of knowledge, and, to speak +comparatively, soon reached the distinction of a halbert in the cause. +He became a leading man in the Mechanics' Institutes, attended lectures +on every possible subject at least five evenings in every week, was +elected a member of the Society of Arts and of the Statistical Society, +joined the British Association at Bristol,[104] and, in fine, adopted +the most admired course to become a utilitarian of the first water. He +was acknowledged to be an independent, and sensible, and well-informed +individual; he needed neither favour nor assistance, had plenty of ready +money in the funds, and was courted and caressed accordingly. He was, in +short, a faultless monster. + +But not only had Fortune been kind to him; Nature was equally liberal: +he was well-proportioned in lith and limb; stout, healthy, and +well-looking. If not a perfect, but, rather, as George the Fourth would +say, an ungentlemanly gentleman, he was not a vulgar plebeian; and, +altogether, hardly ever did a man start in the middle walks of life with +so fair a promise of prosperity and happiness. John Pooledoune had the +silver spoon to his mouth,--the salt of the earth to his portion. + +With such qualities, and to such a character, inactivity was impossible. +Inclination and means led to projects of utility, and John was +determined to benefit mankind by his efforts in promoting the ingenious +conceptions of the clever and the "talented." His apartments were +encumbered with models, his chairs and his tables laden with plans; nay, +he even fancied at times that he was himself an inventor. It was, to be +sure, only in a small way, but it kept the ruling passion in a blaze; +and when he took out his first patent for a broom to eat its own dust, +his ecstasies had nearly laid him with the dust, to which he was thus +made doubly akin. + +It is wonderful to behold how many of our species, full of the most +extraordinary and indubitable inventions, from which indescribable +riches must accrue, languish in abject poverty: to such, a John +Pooledoune is a god-send, even though it may be that in the issue he +is reduced to fraternization. He was the friend of projectors, the +believer in perfectibility, but singularly unlucky in nearly all his +undertakings. Of these we must mention a few, the leading incidents of a +brief career. + +We have alluded to the patent for a dust-consuming broom, with which +John was so marvellously elated. The worst of it was, that it involved +him in a law-suit with Mr. Pratt, who clearly proved to the judge and +jury that he had perfected a similar besom five years before. It was +in vain that John's counsel argued that his broom acted transversely, +not horizontally; and possessed a vertical, not a rotary action; in +vain he asserted that new brooms swept cleanest: the verdict was for +the plaintiff; and the infringement of the right to use a useless brush +cost Mr. Pooledoune within a trifle of a thousand pounds. The lawyers +and attorneys declared that it was a shameful verdict, and advised +Mr. Pooledoune to move for a new trial; but he had sense enough to be +satisfied with one. + +Misfortunes, we are told, never come single. Like crows, if you see one +alight on a field, you may be pretty sure there will soon be a few more, +and probably a flock; and so it fell out with our hero's mischances. + +A company was formed upon the most admirable principles to supply the +metropolis with pure water instead of the abomination hitherto imbibed +from the polluted river, the grand recipient of the filth of a million +and a half of nasty people. It was to be brought from Tonbridge Wells, +laid on in crystal pipes, and supplied with a bounty that defied +competition. John Pooledoune became a large shareholder and a director; +but somehow or other the stream did not run smooth, the crystal pipes +broke, and so did the company; and John, being a responsible person, +got out with the largest share--of the loss. He next embarked in gas +works, the most prosperous that ever were demonstrated by calculations +and estimates on the tables printed by the projectors. But this design, +alas! also failed: the gas dissolved into thin air; and another +troublesome and expensive law-suit proved that the thousands of tons of +coke which had been consumed were utterly wasted, as their use in that +particular way, custom, and manner, was not sanctioned by Coke upon +Lyttleton.--See _Vesey's Reports_, div. 4, cap. 3, lib. 2, page 1. + +This was another rather severe blow upon Mr. Pooledoune, who began to +reflect on the uncertainty of all pursuits of the kind. "I will not," +said he to himself, "risk any more considerable sums in such plans. +Houses and lands," said he, "are certain, real, visible, tangible +property: I will buy an estate and build a house upon it." Accordingly, +day after day did he examine those oracles of truth, the morning +newspapers; and particularly that portion of them which is the truest +of the true, the advertisements of the auctioneers. Long did he ponder +over the most desirable of investments, the most eligible of sites, the +paradises of nature, the soils which scantily concealed inexhaustible +mines, the views of hanging woods whose trees never changed their +fruits: long did he balance which it were best to possess; and at last +he was fortunate enough to be allowed to purchase one of George Robins' +most extraordinary bargains, an estate which was positively "given +away". It was nevertheless dear enough to the buyer; and the seller +had not so much reason as might be imagined to be dissatisfied with the +prodigal liberality of his agent on the occasion. The land was found +to be susceptible of no inconsiderable improvement; and the charming, +picturesque, indescribably interesting, and gothically elegant, fine, +ancient mansion, was in truth little better than an inconvenient and +incongruous pile of ruins. But as Mr. Pooledoune had, from the first, +intended to cultivate the earth in his own way, and to erect a mansion +upon his own design, these slight discrepancies did not so much signify. +The titles were actually good, and old Hurlépoer Hall was regularly +transferred, made over, granted, and assigned to its new proprietor, +John Pooledoune, esquire. It is a proud thing to be an esquire, the +owner of broad acres, to walk over fields you can call your own, to +speak of your domain and your country house, of your Hurlépoer Hall, +and the parts and appurtenances thereunto pertaining. Never did John +Pooledoune feel so elevated as when he arrived in a post-chaise to take +possession of his beautiful estate. It was only an amusing drawback, +which served to occupy his time, that he had to pull down the old hall +and re-edify it in a modern style. There was ready money, and the work +went briskly on, till at last a handsome villa stood where Hurlépoer, +or at least some of its walls, had outbraved the winds and rains two +hundred winters. It was christened Hosiery Hall by some of the poor and +envious landlords round about; but it was nevertheless a very pretty +place, and constructed on the most novel and approved principles of +architecture. The foundations were laid in Roman cement, the timbers +were steeped to saturation in Kyan's anti-dry-rot composition, and +the roof was of patent cast-iron. Nor had Mr. P. during the season +been inattentive to the cultivation of his ground. The steward, a +positive, ignorant, and impracticable ass, was dismissed the service, +for insisting upon sowing wheat, and barley, and oats; laying certain +portions fallow, and turnip-cropping other parts. The squire taking +affairs into his own hands, the farm-horses were sold, and a wonderfully +perfect steam-plough put into operation. Instead of turnips, the +cow-cabbage was introduced, and room left about every plant to allow it +to extend to its full dimensions of from eighteen to twenty-two feet in +diameter. The corn-arable was converted into plantations of beetroot for +the manufacture of sugar, and a thousand hogsheads for its reception +were ordered of the coopers. Everything went on tolerably well for a +while, except the plough, which always refused to move up hill or to go +straight on the level, and very soon denied motion in any manner, or +in any direction. Mr. Pooledoune, incensed at this misconduct, which +he attributed to the stupidity of the ploughman and the malice of the +quondam driver, who had no longer any horses to drive, and consequently +went whistling alongside, occasionally eyeing his useless whip, as if +he would gladly apply it to his master's back, in a moment of anger +took the stilts himself, to show the boors how it ought to be done. +He poked the fire and filled the kettle, and off set the machine with +a run. Unluckily there was a great stone in the line of the furrow, +against which the plough was dashed with so much force that it tilted +up, and, throwing down its unfortunate holder, dashed the burning coals +and boiling steam all over his body. Dreadfully scalded, it was many +weeks before the squire was sufficiently convalescent to leave his +room; and when he did once again visit his _ci-devant_ green fields, it +was as a cripple from the severe accident. The melancholy of autumn, +too, was upon the scene,--a melancholy untempered to him by the sight of +sweeps of ripened grain, (the yellow gold of nature,) and the busy hum +of harvest. The season had been unusually dry, and the soil was chalky. +Owing to this the cow-cabbages had not flourished, and only one here and +there was visible, and about the ordinary size of a tailor's dinner, +though with plenty of room to grow larger if it liked. The cultivation +of the beetroot was hardly more successful; still there was wherewithal +to try the experiment of sugar-making, and to this our sanguine hero +turned with his indomitable spirit. The process went on, and the roots +were crushed;--so, speedily, were his hopes. Twenty-seven barrels of +bad molasses was the produce of above eight hundred acres of the best +land belonging to Hurlépoer Hall. It was a year of dead loss, and there +was nothing left for it but to get through the winter as comfortably as +possible, and prepare for taking the field in the spring with greater +experience, and a more _improved_ system throughout. + +It is a well-known fact with regard to the weather in England, that if +there be a balance of good and bad, the latter never fails to occupy +its fair proportion of foulness. As the summer had been unusually warm +and dry, the winter turned out unusually cold and wet. The rain hardly +ceased during four months, the country was a swamp, and there was not +even enough for a dry joke in the parish. One night the storm descended, +hail was shaken and lightning glanced from the wings of the mighty +tempest: it was a _perfect_ hurricane, (for hurricanes are so called +when they are most fearfully outrageous,) and blew great guns. In the +midst of the rattling, and spouting, and howling, a dreadful crash was +heard by the inhabitants of Hurlépoer villa; the walls tottered, and +they rushed forth in nakedness and desperation. Nor had they a moment +to spare; for the Roman-cement foundations gave way, the anti-dry-rot +timbers split into a thousand splinters, and the ponderous patent +iron roof descended with one awful and crushing demolition upon the +wrecks below. Poor Pooledoune was again unfortunate. Having delayed a +minute to save an electrical apparatus for making diamonds of flints +and asparagus, in which he had all but succeeded, he was struck by a +projected mass of the broken wood, and had his right arm very badly +fractured. + +With these calamities terminated John Pooledoune's rural experiments. +Hurlépoer was soon again in the market, but the value of land had fallen +tremendously within the last eighteen months; and, though the auctioneer +did his utmost, that which had cost twenty thousand pounds so short a +while ago was sold for eight thousand pounds, and John's whole fortune +reduced to little more than ten. Still there was a competency; and with +the mind of a projector there is always contentment. John bought a small +ready-furnished house, about two miles out of London, and sat down under +its lowly slate roof, and all his troubles, with most philosophic apathy. + +He engaged in lesser speculations with the same ardour with which he +had embarked in extensive undertakings; but the doom of the Gipsies of +Norwood was still upon him, and + + "By making rich, made poor; + By making happy, miserable; + By amending, hurt;" *** + +continued to mark his progress--his progress!--his retrograde progress +in life. + +He had not been settled in his humble abode beyond the first quarter, +making discoveries in science of the most astonishing description, when +a railroad between Billingsgate and Blackwell drove him from his home. +Private interests must always yield to public advantages. The road +went right through Mr. Pooledoune's parlour; but then, when completed, +how easy it would be to bring, by its ready means, white-bait from the +water-side to the city; and how much toil and expense would be saved +to the citizens in having their feed without the trouble of journeying +so far for it in the heat of sultry summer. The greatest affliction +to the individual was not the deterioration which his fortune again +experienced in removing, but a calamity which had almost overwhelmed +even his steadfast soul. We have said he was on the point of realising +the most amazing discoveries in natural science. By a battery of +unlimited galvanic power, continually directed to stones abstracted +from St. Paul's Cathedral, Waterloo-bridge, and the Monument, he had +ascertained that the church was built of the fur of the _pulex_, the +bridge of butterflies' facets, and the Monument of midges' wings. +Indeed he had obtained all these creatures entire and lively, in the +course of his experiments upon decomposing the St. Paul pebbles, the +Waterloo-bridge granite, and the Monumental free-stone; and the only +difficulty which remained for solution was, that above a hundred other +unknown and undescribed insects, probably of the antediluvian world, had +been produced at the same time, and by the same means. It was hard, but +the railroad caused the destruction of this theory; and several of the +retorts being broken, the revivification interrupted, the reanimated +killed, and the whole process served out, Mr. Pooledoune never enjoyed +another opportunity for demonstrating these incomparable results. +Thousands of years may elapse before any other experimentalist succeed +to such an extent; and millions of men and philosophers of intermediate +generations will die meanwhile, ignorant of the prodigious injury done +to science and to John Pooledoune by the railroad between Billingsgate +and Blackwell. + +As we descend, we diminish in the eyes of those to whom we were +distinguished objects whilst dwelling on the same or a higher +elevation:--do we not really become less and less? Pooledoune's pursuits +continued to be similar in character, in opinions, in expectations; but, +ah! how different in worldly esteem! At the Mechanics' Institutes he +was no longer promoted to the front-seats,--at the Society of Arts he +was no more invited to deliver his sentiments,--his little contribution +of insulated facts was unsought by the Statisticals,--and the British +Association was too far off, with its Edinburgh and Dublin festivities, +to meet his conveniency. Yet he devoted himself to the confusion of +knowledge; and, in order to obtain larger interest on his fading +capital, he dabbled in Mexican and Payous, and Greek loans. + +Perfecting a fulminating powder to supersede the use of gunpowder, which +could not explode except by the touch of a particular preparation, an +ounce of it accidentally ignited one day, and blew out his right eye. + +John's hair grew prematurely grey with such crosses, and he invented a +dye to render it beautifully black. Most of those whom he persuaded +to give it a trial were turned most curiously grizzle, green, or +yellow;[105] but, perhaps from using an inordinate quantity, his own +scalp was utterly removed, and his scull rendered as bald and shining as +a polished pewter plate, whence the meat had been removed, but not the +gravy. + +He patronised Mechi's razor-strops and Hubert's roseate powder, in +consequence of which all the lower features of his face became a mass of +purulent offence. + +He took to an infallible dentifrice, which preserved the enamel, and +whitened without injuring the teeth. It was a noble specific, and did +not contradict its advertisement: but all John's teeth fell out; and +though the enamel was preserved, and they were white, his gums were +exposed, empty, and red. He supplied his loss with a set of china +ornaments, which made him grin and nod like a Mandarin, but with which +he could not eat like a Christian, nor sleep like a savage. + +John got poorer and poorer, shabbier and shabbier, sicklier and +sicklier. He had been blown up by gas, burnt down by steam, ruined by +railroads, cursed by every improvement on the whole pack of cards. He +was crippled in his limbs, deficient of an eye, disfigured in face and +person, and, worse than worst of all, his friends knew that he had +but little left, and less to hope for. It was not four years since +John Pooledoune had begun his career with a sound constitution, and +two-and-thirty thousand pounds of ready money,--worth sixty thousand in +any other way! Surely he was the "_Victim of Improvement_." + +Nearly at last, when seen in the streets, John would point to his +waterproof shoes, and hat the better for being soaked twenty-four hours +in a washing-tub; and one noticed that his ugly-looking outer garment +was a proof Macintosh, and his patent spectacles set in cases of +india-rubber. And even his sorry truckle-bed, to which the late squire +of Hurlépoer Hall now nightly sought his obscure and darkling way, was +surmounted by a patent tick (it was double tick, for he had it on credit +from an old philosophical crony,) filled with hot water,--as had been +the brief course of the unfortunate to whom it could afford no rest. + +Whether from the Macintosh preservative cloak, the waterproof shoes, +the water-filled bed, the india-rubber, or the rubs of the weather, we +have not ascertained; but poor John caught a horrid cold, and his cough +was sadly aggravated by a contrivance in his chimney for consuming its +own smoke. This the chimney resolutely refused; and, like all other +quarrels, got so incensed that it would not even carry the smoke up. +Cold, asthma, suffocation and starvation, were then the miserable +companions of the quondam wealthy John Pooledoune. + +In the misery of his heart, the wretched man took to drinking. _That_ +resource, under any circumstances, must very quickly have brought on the +crisis; but true to the last, John resorted to patent British brandy, +and his fate was astonishingly accelerated. + +One dusky evening, in a state of inebriety, the ragged philosopher +walked, or rather staggered out. The cool air breathed upon his fevered +brow; he saw the streets illumed with gas, he witnessed the smoke +ascending from steam-engines, and, overcome by his emotions, when a +Gravesend steamer, having beautifully run down another a hundred yards +below, swept into the Adelaide Wharf he threw himself over London +Bridge, and sank in the disturbed bosom of the silver, insulted, and +persecuted Thames. + +Wearily had his life dragged on for many a day, and yet it was doomed +to another drag. Before he had been two minutes in the water, this +last-mentioned combination of cards, creepers, and hooks, brought him +to the surface, having caught him by his bald pate, and he was carried +ashore in a sculler. The nearest surgeon being called in, happened to +differ from the Humane Society, and hung him up by the heels while he +administered stimulants; but John had imbibed so little of the element, +that even this treatment did not kill him. But his look was deadly, and +he was so debilitated by the medical treatment, that to be restored +was impossible; and the parish authorities of _Saint ---- _, inspecting +his sorry equipments, became alarmed lest he should die where he had +no business, and put them to the expense of a funeral. He was asked +where he lived, in order that he might also die there; and a cart being +procured, under the New Poor Law Act, he was carted towards the dismal +abode he had indicated. His road lay along the new street to the new +bridge; and, about a hundred yards down, in a dark avenue on his left, +_he_ could _not_, though others might, see the once rich and respected +tenement of his father, Roger Pooledoune, hosier and citizen of London. + +The night was frosty and bleak: John's clothes were thin and wet. Had +he been taken to an old woman instead of a medical theorist, and dried +and cherished even by the commonest fire of the parish workhouse, he +would have survived his "accident:" but the law was imperative; he +must be moved to his own parish, and he was moved into the parish of +Eternity,--the parish which holds the rich and the poor, and Heaven only +knows how they are provided for. Before the cart reached the "Union," +John Pooledoune was a corpse. + +On the ensuing day but one, a coroner's inquest sat upon his body, and +one or two of the jurors were men who had known him in his prosperity. +They could hardly identify the meagre and mutilated remains; but, in +tenderness to the officials, who had killed him by doing all for the +best, they returned a verdict of "Found Drowned." + +Not being conchologists, we shall not attempt to describe the shell in +which it was pretended that John Pooledoune was buried. In that shell no +muscle of his ever reposed; it held a few of the paving-stones of the +adjacent lane, which, if John had been alive to submit to his galvanic +battery, would have been demonstrated to be composed of bumble bees' +sacchyrometers. About the same hour that the stones were interred with +the solemn ritual of the church service by the chaplain, the body also +furnished the subject of a lecture by the surgeon of the workhouse +to the pupils in an adjoining hospital. The scull in particular was +singularly formed, at least it was so declared by the phrenologists, +who were allowed to claw it, and who clearly showed that the bumps +(caused by the watermen's drags) were organs of philoprogenitiveness, +amativeness, and destructiveness. + +In due time a perfect skeleton of John Pooledoune was scraped and +prepared, and placed in a glass case in the museum of the hospital. + +And thus was fulfilled the Gipsy's prophecy. He was "by curing, slain;" +he was "never lost on earth, alive or dead," for he was dragged from the +river and preserved in the surgeons' hall; he was "found by numbers" of +sensible coroner's inquest men! he is yet in his glass case a "bodiless +corpse, the victim of improvement, for ever to improve" the students of +anatomy. There was + + "_No hand to close his eyes; + No eye to see his grave; + No grave to give him rest!_" + +He is "dead, resembling Death," yet keeps "his place among the dead +and the living." "His end has not been an ending," and every one who +inspects the hospital collection may know that "he _is_ and _is not_!" + +In a moral magazine such as Bentley's Miscellany it is naturally +expected that a useful and instructive inference should be drawn from +every tale; and assuredly ours needs little to point it: "_May we all be +preserved from the fascinations of Gipsies!_" + +[104] All anachronisms are wilful. Witness the hand of the writer + hereof [graphic symbol: hand]. ] + +[105] Three under the metamorphoses were called by their acquaintance, + the Grey Goose, the Merman, and the Yellow-haired Laddie. + --Note, passim. + + + + + THE LEGEND OF MOUNT PILATE. + +Superstition is to this day a strong characteristic of the inhabitants +of the Alps. A reason for this, is easily found in the various and +imposing phenomena of Nature, to which these simple mountaineers +are daily and nightly witnesses. A storm, which on the plains would +scarcely attract attention, offers at each instant, in these lofty and +diversified regions, some new and appalling spectacle. Each clap of +thunder finds a thousand echoes, and is reverberated almost to infinity. +The lightning's flash plays not only above, but about and underneath the +beholder. Here a roaring torrent dashes past him down the precipitous +rocks, driving all before it in its impetuous course; there a sudden +whirlwind uproots the sturdy monarch of the forest, and bears it aloft, +as though it were a feather on the breeze. The heavy cloud, which one +moment envelopes the poor shepherd in its vapoury folds, in the next is +seen rolling its dense masses over the lower earth, hundreds of fathoms +beneath his feet. Nor are the calmer sublimities by which he is at other +times surrounded less calculated to speak to his imagination than the +loud voice of the bellowing tempest. The plaintive murmuring of the +vernal breeze amid the lofty pines; the deep silence of the summer's +burning noon; the fantastic changes of the fleecy cloud, whose form +is varied by every pinnacle of the mountain; the hollow and mournful +moaning of the autumnal gusts as they scatter far and wide the falling +leaves; the bright beam of the resplendent moon, across which each +jutting crag throws some grotesque shadow; and above all, the mist, +which, rising from the plains a mere mass of dull and dank vapour, +here first appears to receive life, and takes innumerable shapes and +forms, incredible to those who have never witnessed its airy evolutions! +These are the ever-varying phantasmata of nature that pass in scenic +succession before the eyes of the Alpine peasant, and add fresh fuel to +the fire of his superstitious inclinations. + +It was in scenes of this inspiring character that Ossian saw his shadowy +armies, his warrior ghosts, his visionary maids, and heard the wild +music of their aërial harps. And although from the imperfectness of +our nature, we are all liable to have "our eyes made the fools of the +other senses," yet is it in these cloud-capped regions alone that the +illusions are always of a dignified order, and that poetry spreads her +veil of enchantment over the dull realities of life. + +Such was the nature of my reflections after I had retired to rest upon +the night before my intended pilgrimage to Mount Pilate; and, having +made them, I slept soundly until the bright beams of a July sun darting +in at my latticed window gave me notice of the morning's growth. I arose +from my bed of leaves and rushes, and, strolling forth into the open +air, tasted the delicious sweetness of the hour. Never do I remember a +more enchanting prospect than here met my view. It seemed as if Nature +had proclaimed a universal holiday. She was abroad in her gala dress; +while Spring and Summer, her vernal and blooming handmaids,--the former +lingering as though loth to quit her mistress, the latter rushing to +anticipate her call,--appeared on either side of her, and strewed her +rosy path with freshness and fragrance. The dews of night, glistening +in the first rays of the slanting sun, spangled the green carpet of the +earth; and the tall pines, ever the first to greet the morning breeze, +gracefully bowed their dark heads to welcome day's return. Far across +the intervening lake, the flocks and herds were seen winding slowly up +the mountain's side in search of their wholesome pasture; while the +simple harmony of their bells, mingling with the wild song or whistle +of their urchin conductors, came upon my ear over the still waters in +distant snatches, and formed, with the loud melody of the feathered +minstrels close around me, a rural concert in happiest unison with the +scene. A tap on the shoulder from my venerable conductor aroused me from +my reverie. Our preparations were soon made; and with a small wallet +destined to contain the necessary provision for such a journey, and +each a long staff, pointed at one end and hooked at the other, such as +is required for the ascent and descent of the precipitous paths we were +to tread, we commenced our march. We proceeded first to Brunnen, where +we took water upon the fairest of Switzer's lakes, and before sunset +arrived at Lucerne, the town from which it takes its name. The next +morning we were again afoot betimes, and, as we jogged along, I obtained +the result of my companion's long gleanings in this fruitful land of +romance and superstition. + +"First," said he, "with regard to the name[106] of this celebrated +mountain. Some have thought that it obtained the designation of Mount +Pilate from a tradition of its having been formerly peopled by a band +of Roman deserters, who sought refuge among its almost inaccessible +rocks,--the Latin word _pila_ having been often used to signify a +mountain-pass; others, that it is a corruption from _pileus_, a +hat, because its bald summit is often covered by a complete cap of +clouds,--and hence the old proverb so often quoted in this country, + + "'Quand Pilate a mis son chapeau, + Le temps sera serein et beau.' + +But the explanation drawing most largely upon the liberal credulity of +the simple inhabitants of the Underwald, and therefore sure to be the +best received, is the following amusing fable: + +"Pontius Pilate having been condemned to death for his crimes, to avert +the shame of a public execution, committed suicide. His body being +found, was by the enraged multitude fastened to an immense weight of +stones, and thrown into the Tyber. But the spirit of that noble river, +outraged by her waters being made the deposit of so foul a carcase, +from that hour rose in foam and torrent to resent the injury; and, +interesting great Nature in her behalf, the most frightful storms and +whirlwinds, with hail, thunder, and lightning, ravaged the whole country +from the Mediterranean shores to the opposite Adriatic; nor did the +elemental uproar cease until the terrified inhabitants, by dint of +the greatest exertions, dragged the body up again, and in all haste +caused it to be conveyed as far as Vienne in Dauphiny, and there anew +committed to the deep.[107] But what was the consequence? The Rhone +would no more suffer such an insult than had the Tyber; and its blue +waters, swelling with the indignity offered them, overflowed their +natural banks, and rushed with headlong rapidity, as if to fly the spot +of pollution. No bark could live an instant on the tremendous waves, +which now so frightfully disguised this hitherto calmly majestic stream; +and the Dauphinois, like the Romans, had no remedy for the crying +evil, but, as they had done, to rid themselves and their river of such +an ill-omened guest. This was at length accomplished: but the noble +Rhone, although cleansed of his 'filthy bargain,' could not so easily +forget the deep affront; and yearly, at that very season, he has ever +since marked his undying resentment by a repetition of the same angry +demonstrations. Meantime the offending cause of all this tribulation +was secretly transported to Lausanne, and there condemned to a third +watery grave. Why a preference so little flattering was given to this +beautiful spot, is not known; but certain it is that its inhabitants, +being made acquainted with the new arrival, presaged but little good +to their '_placid Leman_' from so confirmed a disturber of the silent +waters, and before his presence could have time to create its usual +uproar, and thus prevent or impede such a measure, the body was once +more brought to land; and, a council being held, it was then determined +that a small and isolated lake,[108] situated near the summit of the +Frakmont, should be the chosen place of interment. Being situated at a +good forty leagues from their city, they would at least have little to +dread from his future operations; and the bleak and barren nature of the +soil surrounding his new residence would, as they hoped, neutralize, if +not entirely destroy, his baneful influence. + +"There, then, he was finally deposited; but soon this desolate region, +as though doubly cursed by his coming, felt the dire effects of his +sojourn. The lake itself turned black; and its surrounding shores, +infected by the noxious vapours which it now emitted, could no longer +yield a wholesome herbage, but became one huge and marshy swamp, +where the rankest weeds alone could thrive. The surface of the water +was covered with the blanched bodies of its finny inhabitants; the +water-fowl that used to haunt its banks no sooner came within its +unhealthful precincts than they shared the universal doom, and fell dead +upon the earth; the venomous snake lay stiffening in the sun, conquered +by a superior poison; and the slimy toad expired in a vain attempt to +crawl from an atmosphere too fetid even for his loathsome nature.[109] + +"The peasants, from their hamlets in the neighbouring plains, had marked +the striking change in the appearance of the mountain's top, which, +instead of standing out clear against the blue sky, was almost always +enveloped in a shroudy mist, or, if for a short period it could rid +itself of that encumbrance, still appeared like a heavy blot upon the +surface of the earth, reflecting no single ray of that bright sun which +beamed on all around it. Convinced that such a sudden change could +proceed but from some supernatural cause, a thousand speculations were +hazarded as to what was actually going on at the summit itself; and at +length one among them, more hardy than the rest, set out, determined to +explore the mystery. His presumption, however, was awfully punished; +for although, by dint of an extraordinary courage, he returned to his +anxious friends, yet the sights he had seen, the fright he had endured, +and the bodily exertions he had used to quicken his descent, were too +much for him. It was permitted only that he should relate to the throng +crowding around him the pestilent appearances of the once beautiful +little lake, and then ague-fits, convulsions, and a raging fever ended +the poor wretch's mortal struggles. + +"Whether the circumstances of this intrusive visit added fresh fuel +to the demon's rage, or whether the moment was now come when, having +no longer within his reach any living object on which to vent his +diabolical vengeance, he became impatient of his watery incarceration, +certain it is that, from the very day of the luckless villager's return, +new sounds and sights of horror and desolation startled the whole +country around. A hollow rumbling noise, as of distant thunder or a +smothered volcano, issued, with scarcely a minute's intermission, during +the hours of light, from the mountain's summit; while the deep silence +of midnight was suddenly broken by shrieks and yells so hideous and +piercing, that, compared with them, the war-whoop of a whole nation of +Whyndots or Cherokees would have seemed soft music. Thus were announced +to the affrighted listeners the terrific struggles then making by the +foul spirit to burst his liquid bonds. At length, one luckless morn, he +succeeded in his attempt to breathe again the free air; and his first +feat was to celebrate the unholy triumph by a storm that hid the sun's +face from the world during eight and forty hours, being the exact number +of days of his forced sojourn in the lake. + +"It seemed, from his remaining afterwards on this bleak and desolate +station, either that his infernal art could not compass his entire +removal from the mountain, or that he preferred it to the low grounds +on account of the advantage which its elevated situation gave him to +direct the tempests, and with greater certainty to launch the fires of +destruction upon those particular parts of the country from which he was +at the moment pleased to select his victims. Whichever of these was the +cause of his stay, he, at any rate, by force, or by choice, did remain +there for some hundreds of years; during the whole of which period +he continued more or less, and by every means within his fell power, +to vent his undying rage upon the hapless peasantry and their little +possessions. In the midst of the most terrific of the storms with which +it was his custom to visit the valleys below, the phantom himself would +sometimes be for a moment visible to one or other of the terror-struck +shepherds, and then some dreadful mortality among his flocks and herds +was sure to be the lot of the luckless wight by whom the apparition had +been seen. + +"Once, during a dreadful hurricane that tore up the largest trees by +the roots, and scattered ruin and dismay abroad, the grisly fiend +was plainly seen perched upon the very highest pinnacle of his rocky +dominion, in desperate conflict with a second unearthly being, who, +by the violent gesticulations displayed on both sides, could be no +other than his once mortal enemy, the renowned King Herod. In short, +nothing could exceed either in variety or extent, the mischief caused +to the pastoral inhabitants of the two cantons of Lucerne and Underwald +by this '_Lord of the Black Mountain_,' the name by which their +demoniac tormentor was universally known. It gave them, therefore, +joy beyond expression when their good genius at last sent them some +hope of deliverance from the evil power, in the person of a pious and +learned doctor, who, being informed of the devastation, agreed to try +conclusions with the imp of Satan. This champion in the good cause +was a celebrated brother of the Rosy Cross, who had already taken the +highest degrees in the university of Salamanca, and who, having dived +deeper than his fellow students into the mysteries of the far-famed +Bactrian sage, possessed a reputation that placed him almost on a level +with Zoroaster himself. Like a good alchymist, gold was the ultimate +object of his philosophical researches; and for a sufficient sum, (to +obtain which many a poor peasant was deprived of his last kreutzer,) he +undertook to rid the country of what had been so long a scourge to it. + +"He set out accordingly for the conflict; but alone and unarmed, +having refused all aid or guidance but such as his sacred mission and +his hidden knowledge gave him. The combat was long and obstinate, but +never for a moment doubtful. Arrived at the mountain's summit, the +Rosicrucian took up his station on a commanding point of the rock, +and called upon the phantom to appear before him. This simple summons +remaining unnoticed, he proceeded to a display of his cabalistic powers, +and finally brought the stubborn offender into his presence; but not +until the force of his mystic conjurations had torn the huge fragment +on which he stood from its solid base, and left it balancing on a mere +point, where, indeed, it may to this day be seen, a trembling memento of +that awful hour. + +"Unable to make head against the superior prowess of his opponent, +the malignant spirit sought safety in flight but was pursued by the +victorious astrologer, who, coming up with him again on the part of the +mountain now called the Hill of Widerfield, renewed the contest with +fresh vigour; and so furious were the attack and defence on this spot, +and so violent the arts of exorcism to which the reverend champion had +recourse, that the grass beneath their feet was burnt up as by the fire +of heaven, and has never since recovered from the unnatural blight. +Success at length crowned the efforts of the holy father, who, however, +was forced to consent to a sort of honourable capitulation on the part +of the vanquished. It was therefore finally agreed between them, that +the spectre should return to his watery sepulchre, there to remain +inactive during three hundred and sixty-four days in every year. On Good +Friday alone he was to be permitted to walk abroad, clothed in those +magisterial robes which he was wont to wear when living; even then, +however, pledging himself not to overstep the limits of the mountain's +summit, and never, unless provoked by previous violence or insult, to do +harm to aught that had existence. + +"This settled, he mounted a coal-black charger, which, as a ratification +of their solemn treaty, was presented to him by his conqueror, and which +on starting struck his hoof into the neighbouring rock, and left to +all eternity its huge print there. Then, with a noise that resembled +the hissing of an army of serpents, he plunged into the lake and +disappeared; nor has he ever since been known to violate the engagements +then incurred by showing himself to the world, save on the anniversary +of the day above mentioned, or when irritated beyond his bearing by the +language of abuse or some overt act of aggression, such as the throwing +of stones or other substances into his prison-lake. The treaty thus +broken, he has never failed to exercise the power still left him, and +to evince his anger by some terrific storm or inundation, which would +shortly after, and generally in the very midst of the brightest and +clearest weather, suddenly proclaim his sense of the insult offered him. + +"In consequence of these infractions, by the ignorant or the +disobedient, of a treaty solemnly entered into, a general order +was issued by the competent authorities, interdicting all persons +whatsoever, under severe pains and punishments, from making the ascent +of this mountain without a special permission to that effect, from the +chief magistrate of the district, who at the same time was to appoint +proper and trustworthy guides, they being answerable with their lives +for the attention of the whole party to certain prescribed rules.[110] +The shepherds, too, by whom the lower part of the Pilate was peopled, +were obliged every year to appear before a certain tribunal, and to +take an oath that they would make no attempt to visit these prohibited +regions.[111] + +"Things remained nearly in this state until the event of the +Reformation; after which both Catholic and Protestant united to remove +from the minds of the vulgar, prejudices which ages of ignorant habits +had tended to fix on them. Among the rest, in the year 1585, one +Muller, the curé of Lucerne, having appointed a day for that purpose, +and invited all who were willing so to do to accompany him, set out on +an expedition to the summit of Mount Pilate, and was followed thither +by some hundreds of his parishioners. Arrived at the so much dreaded +lake itself, he proceeded to throw into it, stones, blocks of wood, and +missiles of various descriptions, accompanying the action with words +the most likely to provoke the wrath of the redoubted fiend; but, to +the surprise of the assembled multitude, who had beheld with affright +the audacious ceremony, all remained silent,--neither sound nor sight +replied to the daring invocation, and the sky was not in consequence +overcast by a single cloud. In order to follow up the partial light +which he had thus let in upon the darkness of ages, the worthy curé soon +afterwards obtained an order from the government of Lucerne, authorizing +the draining of the lake itself,--a work which was actually begun in the +year 1594, but to which a want of the necessary funds, and other minor +causes, put a stop before it could be entirely accomplished." + +I have thus repeated at some length the fabulous histories which I +that day learned during our long and laborious ascent to the summit of +the mountain in question; and I will now only add, that the various +scenes therein alluded to, as having been the theatre of the phantom's +exploits, were pointed out to me by my companion; nor could I avoid +perceiving, by the fondness with which he dwelt rather upon the +superstition itself, than such refutation as followed it, that he was +himself in no slight degree tinged with the popular belief. + +[106] Its German name is Frakmont, from the Latin words "Mons fractus," + an appellation naturally bestowed upon its broken and + irregular summit. + +[107] Eusebius, in his "_Histoire Ecclesiastique_," (liv. ii. chap. 7,) +relates that, about forty years after the birth of Christ, and under the +reign of Caligula, Pontius Pilate was recalled from the government of +Judea to Rome, and, fearing the consequences with which his conduct was +threatened, he committed suicide; but he does not say where this fact +occurred. Naucler tells us that Pilate, having been banished to Lyons +by the emperor, there died by his own sword; and other authors, among +whom is Otho of Frisinguen, assert that, being exiled by Caligula, he +threw himself into the Rhone at Vienne in Dauphiny, and was drowned. +He adds, that, according to the statement of the inhabitants of that +neighbourhood, the river has ever since that period, at certain +intervals, been extremely difficult and dangerous to navigate.--(Vide +_Pa Chronique_, liv. iii. chap. 13. ) + +[108] This mountain lake is situated in the centre of a small forest of +dark and time-worn pines, and is surrounded by bogs and marshes. In form +it is nearly elliptical, being one hundred and fifty-four feet long, and +seventy-eight broad, and it is in no part more than four feet deep. In +the year 1560 it was measured by Cisat, and, according to his account +of its dimensions, was at that time just one-third less than it is know +known to be now; but whether his admeasurement was defective, or whether +the body of water has actually increased since that period, may be +matter of doubt. + +[109] Treatise on Exorcisms, entitled "Malleus Maleficarum," (a Hammer +for Sorcerers,) by Felix Hemmerlein, Provost of Soleure; printed at +Frankfort, in 1582. + +[110] Vadian's Commentaries, published at Vienna in 1518. + +[111] Conservateur Suisse, vol. iv. + + + + + GLORVINA, THE MAID OF MEATH. + BY JAMES SHERIDAN KNOWLES. + +Ireland has had her heroines. Glorvina, the daughter of Malachi, king +of Meath, was the joy and pride of her father, yet at the same time his +anxious, never-resting care; for the Dane was in the land. The rovers +were led by Turgesius, a voluptuous prince, though advanced in years. +Turgesius approached the gate of Malachi with the smile of peace upon +his countenance, but with the thoughts of rapine in his heart. He was +hospitably received; the banquet was spread for him; and when he was +weary with feasting and hilarity, he was conducted to the richest, +softest couch. + +He had not yet seen Glorvina, but he had heard of her surpassing beauty; +and one day he requested of the king that his daughter should sit at the +feast. A shade came over the brow of Malachi; but he bowed his head, and +it was gone. With a timid, yet stately step, the virgin entered the +hall. Thick and clustering, and reaching far below her tapering waist, +hung her auburn hair; her eyes were cast down; her fair skin mantled and +faded, as her colour came and went; and she spake not as she sank in +modest, graceful obeisance, to the salutation of Turgesius. + +The Dane had no appetite for the banquet that day. He seemed to be +conscious of nothing but the presence of Glorvina. Alarm and ire were +painted in the countenance of the king, but Turgesius noted it not. He +never removed his eyes from the royal maid; they wandered incessantly +over her features and her form, and followed the movements of her +white, roundly-moulded arms, as she accepted or returned the cup or the +viands which were proffered for her use. Haughty for the first time +was the fair brow of Glorvina: the bold stare of man was a stranger to +her. Again and again she offered to retire, but was withheld by the +dissuasions of Turgesius, seconded by the admonishing glances of her +father. At last, however, in spite of all opposition, she withdrew. + +The Dane sat abstracted with a clouded brow; deep sighs came thick and +strugglingly from his breast. Malachi tried to rouse his guest, and +succeeded at last, with the aid of the cup. Turgesius waxed wildly +joyous; he spoke of love, and of the idol before which the passion bows; +and he asked for the strain that was in unison with the tone of his +soul; the song of desire was awakened at his call; and as it flowed, +swelling and sinking with the mood of the fitful theme, the rover's +cheek flushed more and more, and his eyes more wildly flamed. + +Turgesius did not sleep at the castle that night. He was summoned on a +sudden to a distance: oppression had produced reaction. In the place of +the slave, the man had started up; and the air all at once was thick +with weapons, where for months the glare of brass or of steel had not +been seen, except in the hand of the foreigner. Outposts had been driven +in; large bands were retracing steps which they had no right to take; +the sway of the freebooter was tottering. His presence saved it, and the +native again bowed sullenly to resume the yoke. + +After the lapse of a few weeks, Turgesius once more drew near the +gate of Malachi. Loudly the blast of his herald demanded the customed +admission, and with impatience the Dane awaited the reply to his +summons. It came; but there was wailing in the voice of welcome, and +the visitor felt that he grew cold. The mourner received him in the +hall:--Glorvina was no more! Turgesius turned his face away from +the house of death, and departed for his own stronghold, where with +alternate sports and revels he endeavoured to assuage disappointment and +obliterate recollection. + +Dusk fell. Silent and gloomy was the aisle of the royal chapel. Before +a monument, newly erected, stood a lonely figure gazing upon the name +of Glorvina, which was carved upon the stone. The figure was that of a +youth, tall, and of matchless symmetry. His arms were folded, his head +drooped, he uttered no sound; his soul was with the inmate of the narrow +house. He heard not the step of the bard who was approaching, and who +presently stood by his side unnoted by him. + +Long did the reverend man gaze upon the youth without attempting to +accost him. More and more he wondered who it could be whom sorrow so +enchained in abstraction. At length the lips of the figure moved, and a +sigh, deep-drawn, ushered forth the name of Glorvina. No stranger to the +bard was the voice that fell upon his ear. "Niall!" he exclaimed. The +youth started and turned; it _was_ Niall. He threw himself upon the neck +of the bard. The flood of the eyes began to flow: he sobbed forth aloud +and incontinently the name of Glorvina! + +"Niall," said the bard, as soon as the paroxysm of grief had a little +subsided,--"Niall, you are changed in form, your stature has shot up, +your shoulders have spread, and your chest has rounded. Your features, +too, I can see by this spare light, have received from manhood a stamp +which they did not bear before; but your heart, my son, is the same. +Niall in his affections has come back what he went. The Saxon has not +changed him, nor the Saxon's daughter; her golden hair has waved before +his eyes, her skin of pearl has shone upon them, the silver harp of her +voice has streamed upon his ear; but his heart hath been still with +Glorvina!" + +"To what end?" passionately burst forth the youth. "Glorvina is in the +tomb!" The tears gushed again; the bard was silent. + +"Where is your prophetic Psalter?" resumed Niall; "where is it? Who will +give credence to it now? Did you not say that Glorvina was the fair +maid of Meath by whom it foretold that the land was to be rescued from +the Dane; and that I was that son of my house who should be joined with +her in perilous, yet happy wedlock? This did you not say and repeat a +thousand times?--Then why do I look upon that tomb?" + +"Niall," said the bard, "have faith, though you look upon the tomb of +Glorvina!" The youth shook his head.--"Have you yet seen the king?" +inquired the bard. Niall replied in the negative. "Come, then, young +man, and look upon a father's grief!" + +The bard led the way towards the closet of the king. The light of the +taper streamed from the half-open door: and as Niall, by the side of +the bard, stood in the comparative darkness of the ante-chamber, he +stared upon the face of Malachi, bright with a smile at a false move at +chess which a person with whom the king was playing had just that moment +made. Niall could scarce believe his vision.--"Where is the grief of the +father?" whispered he to the bard. + +"Note on!" was the old man's reply. + +"He laughs!" exclaimed Niall, almost loud enough to be heard by those +within.--"Yes," said the bard; "he who wins may laugh. He has got the +game." + +"And where is his child?" ejaculated Niall with a groan so audible that +Malachi heard it and started; but the bard hurried the youth from the +room. + +Niall and the bard sat alone in the apartment of the latter. Sparingly +the youth partook of the repast, which was presently removed. He sat +silent, leaning his head upon his hand. At length he lifted his eyes to +the face of the bard; it was smiling like the king's, as he played the +game of chess. The young man stared; the bard smiled on. + +"A strain!" cried the reverend man, and took his harp and tuned it, +and tried the chords till every string had its proper tone. "Now!" he +exclaimed, ready to begin. The young man watched the waking of the lay, +which he expected would be in unison with the mood of his soul: but, +lo! note rapidly followed note in mirthful chase, still quickening to +the close; and the countenance of Niall, overcast before with grief, now +lowered with anger. + +"I list not strain like that!" he exclaimed, starting from his seat. + +"You list no other, boy, from me," rejoined the old man; "it is your +welcome home."--"My home," ejaculated Niall, "is the tomb where Glorvina +sleeps the sleep of death!" + +"The Psalter," said the old man solemnly, "is the promise of Destiny, +and is sure to be fulfilled." + +"Why, then," asked the youth sternly,--"why, then, is Glorvina no longer +among the living?--Why in the place of her glowing cheek do I meet the +tomb?--the silence of death, instead of her voice?" + +The bard made no reply, but leaned over his harp again, and spanned its +golden strings. He sang of the chase. The game was a beauteous hind; +eager was the hunter, but too swift was her light foot for his wish. +She distanced him like the wind, which at one moment brushes the cheek, +and the next will be leagues away; and now she was safe, pressing the +mossy sward in the region of the mountain and the lake, where the waters +mingle and spread one silvery sheet for the fair tall heavens to look +into. + +Niall sat amazed!--conjecture and doubt seemed to divide his soul. He +sprang towards the old man, and, throwing himself at his feet, snatched +the hand that still lay upon the strings and caught it to his bosom. +Yet he spake not, save by his eyes; in the intense expression of which, +inquiry, and entreaty, and deprecation were mingled. + +The old man rose and stood silent for a time, looking down benevolently +upon Niall, who seemed scarcely to breathe, watching the lips that he +felt were about to move. + +"Niall," at length said the bard,--"Niall, the strength of the day +is the rest of night. Fair upon the eye of the sleeper, awakening +him, breaks the light of morning. Then he springs from his couch, and +stretches his limbs, and braces them, eager for action; and he asks +who will go with him to the field of the feat; or haply betakes him to +the road to try his strength alone; and following it through hill and +valley, moor and mead, suddenly shows his triumph-shining face to the +far friend that looked not for him!" + +The bard ceased. Both he and the youth remained motionless for several +seconds, intently regarding one another. At last Niall sprang upon +his feet, and threw himself upon the neck of the old man, whose arms +simultaneously closed around the boy. + +"You will sleep to-night, my son," said the bard, withdrawing himself +at length from the embrace of Niall. "The dawn shall not come to thy +casement before thou shalt hear my summons at thy door. Good-night!" +They parted. + + * * * * * + +By the side of a bright river strayed hand in hand two young females, +seemingly rustics. Rain had fallen. The thousand torrents of the +mountains were in play; and the general waters, swoln beyond the +capacity of their customed channel, ran hurried and ruffled. + +"Who would think," remarked the younger of the two,--"who would think +that this was the river we saw yesterday?" + +"'Tis changed indeed," said her companion; "but the sky that was +lowering yesterday, you see, is bright and serene to-day. Did you hear +the storm in the night?" + +"No: I would I had. It would have saved me from a dream darker than any +storm." + +"A dream!--Tell it me. I am a reader of dreams." + +"You know," began the younger,--"you know I was brought up with the only +son of a distant branch of my father's house. I know not how it was, +but, from my earliest recollection, my foster-mother, and others as +well as she, set me down for his wife; and, strangely enough, I fancied +myself so. Yet could it be nothing more than a sister's love that I bore +him. Much he used to make of me. His pastime--even his studies--were +regulated by my will. Being older than I, he let me play the fool to +the very height of my caprice, which cost me many a chiding,--but not +from him, though he had to bear the greater portion of the consequences. +You know by his father's will he was enjoined to travel the last four +years preceding his majority. He set out the very day that I completed +my fourteenth year. I wish it had been before. I should have felt the +separation less, for indeed it cost me real agony. For months after, +they would catch me weeping: they did not know the cause; but 'twas for +him! Still I only loved him as a brother--but a dear one,--Oh, Myra! I +cannot tell you how dear!--and absence has not abated my feelings, as +you may more than guess by my dream last night." + +"Look!" interrupted the other; "see you not some one through the +interval of the trees descending yonder road that winds round the foot +of the nearest mountain?" + +"No," replied the former, after she had looked in the direction a moment +or two. "But attend to my dream. I thought I was married indeed, and +that he was my husband; and that we were sitting at the bridal feast, +placed on each side of my father; and there were the viands, and the +wine, and the company, and everything as plain as you are that are +standing there before me; when, all at once----" + +"I see him again!" a second time interrupted the friend. "Look! don't +you catch the figure?"--"No." + +"Then you'll not catch it at all now, for he has dived into the wood +through which the road runs." + +"Was it a single person?"--"Yes." + +"Then we have nothing to care for; so don't interrupt me in my dream +again." + +"Go on with it," said the other. + +"Well; we were sitting, as I said, at the bridal feast, when, turning +to speak to my father, the fiery eyes of one I hope never to see again +were glaring on me, and my father was gone; and fierce men, with +gleaming weapons waving above their heads, surrounded him to whom I had +just pledged my troth, and bore him, in spite of his struggles and my +screams, away: leaving me to the mercy of the spoiler, who straight, +methought, started up with the intent of dragging me to the couch which +had been prepared for another!" + +"Do you mark," interrupted the friend, "as you increase in loudness, +the echoes waken? I heard the last word repeated as distinctly as you +yourself uttered it. But go on. Yet beware these echoes; they may be +tell-tales. What followed?" + +"Oh, what harrows my soul even now! Thither, where I told you, did he +try to force me, struggling with all my might to resist him. I called on +my father,--I called on my bridegroom,--I called on every one I could +think of; but no one came to me, and fast we approached the door, on +the threshold of which to have died, I thought in my dream, would be +bliss to the horror of crossing it, and there at last we stood: but it +was shut. Yet soon it moved; and who think you it was that opened it? +Niall!--Niall himself! and no resistance did he offer to him that forced +me onward,--none, though I called to him by his name, shrieking it +louder than I am speaking now, 'Niall!--Niall!' He spoke not,--he moved +not; and I was within a foot of the very couch, when I awoke, my face +bathed in the dew of terror. 'Niall!--Niall!' did I cry, did I shriek; +and Niall was there, and I shrieked in vain--'Niall!--Niall!'----" + +"Here!" cried Niall himself, springing from a copse, out of which led +a path that made a short cut across an angle of the road, and throwing +himself breathless at the feet of Glorvina. + +The astonished maid stood motionless, gazing on the young man, who +remained kneeling, until her companion, taking her hand, and calling her +by her name, aroused her from the trance of astonishment. + +"Come," said Myra, "let us return;" and, motioning to the young man to +follow them, she led her passive companion back to the lonely retreat +whither Malachi had transported his fair child. + +Glorvina did not perfectly recover her self-possession till she arrived +at the door. Then she stopped, and turning, bent her bright gaze full +upon the wondering Niall, who moved not another step. + +"Niall--if you are Niall--" said the maid. She paused, and a sigh +passed, in spite of them, the lips that would have kept it in: "If you +are the Niall," she resumed, "to whom I said farewell four years ago, +the day and the hour are not unwelcome that bring back, in health, and +strength, and happiness, the playmate of our childhood to the land of +his fathers; and we bless God that he has suffered them to shine. But +why comes Niall hither? Who taught him to doubt the testimony of the +tomb? Who directed his steps to the solitudes of the mountains, the +woods, and the lakes? Who cried, "God speed!" when his heel left the +home of my father behind it? Was it the master of that home?--was it +Malachi, my father?" + +A thought that had not occurred to him before, seemed suddenly to cross +the mind of Niall. His lips that would have spoken remained motionless, +his cheek coloured, his eye fell to the feet of Glorvina; he stood +confounded and abashed. + +"'Tis well!" cried the stately maid. "The tongue of Niall is yet +unacquainted with falsehood, though his feet may be no strangers to +the steps of rashness. The repast is spread; enter and partake!" and +she paused for a second or two. Niall slowly lifted his eyes till they +met those of Glorvina; apprehension and supplication mingled in the +gaze of the youth. At length, with a tone that spoke at once compassion +and resolve, the word "Depart!" found utterance; and the maid and her +companion, stepping aside, left the entrance of their lonely habitation +free, as Niall mechanically passed in. + + (_To be concluded in our next._) + + + + + THE ROYAL ROSE OF ENGLAND. + AN IRISH BALLAD, + ON THE BIRTH-DAY OF THE PRINCESS VICTORIA, + + MAY 24, 1837. + + BY J. A. WADE. + + Tune--"_Young Love lived once._" + + I. + Within a fine ould ancient pile + (Where long may splendour + And luck attend her!) + The Royal Hope of Britain's isle + Has shed her eighteenth summer's smile! + No winter mornin' + Was at her bornin', + But with the spring she did come forth, + A flow'r of Beauty, without guile, + Perfumin' sweet the neighb'rin' earth! + + II. + We've seen the blossom 'pon the stem + From early childhood-- + Both in the wild-wood + And in the halls where many a gem + Did sparkle from the diadem, + But always bloomin', + Without presumin' + On the rich cradle of her birth; + Her eyes beam'd softly--while from them + All _others_ gather'd love and mirth! + + III. + Dear offspring of a royal race, + In this dominion + (It's my opinion) + There's not a soul that sees your face, + But prays for it sweet Heaven's grace. + May every birth-day + Be found a mirth-day,-- + No clouds or tears e'er frown or weep, + But Pleasure's smile where'er you pace + Bless you for ever 'wake or 'sleep! + + [Illustration: Jack outwitting Davy Jones] + + + + + NIGHTS AT SEA: + _Or, Sketches of Naval Life during the War._ + BY THE OLD SAILOR. + + No. III. + + WITH AN ILLUSTRATION BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. + + THE CHASE.--THE FORECASTLE YARN. + + "Not a cloud is before her + To dim her pure light; + Not a shadow comes o'er her, + Her beauty to blight: + But she glows in soft lustre-- + One star by her side-- + From her throne in the azure, + Earth's beautiful bride." + + +A cheerless and disheartening spectacle is a dismasted ship, with all +her mass of wreck still clinging to the hull, that it once bore proudly +over the billows! 'Tis like the unfortunate abandoned by his friends, +who, however, continue to hang around him, though more to impede his way +than to retrieve his fortunes! And there lay the Spankaway, with her +long line of taper spars reversed, their heads in the water, and their +heels uppermost; and, as if in mockery of the mishap, the beautiful +bright moon showed their diminished shadows on the again smooth surface +of the ocean. The squall had passed far away to leeward, and was +dwindling to a mere speck of silvery vapour, whilst all besides was +still, and calm, and passionless. + +Now it was no pleasant sight to Lord Eustace Dash and his officers to +witness the dismantling of the craft they loved; and, as the chief, it +may be naturally supposed that the chagrin of his lordship far exceeded +that of his subs: but there was one amongst them almost affected to +tears, and that was old Will Parallel, the master. + +"Smack smooth to the lower caps, by ----!" said his lordship, as he +surveyed the havoc made in his dashing frigate; "not a rope-yarn above +the lower mast-heads, and--" + +"Not a bit of canvass abroad big enough to make a clout for a babby," +chimed in the old master; "spanker, jib, topsels all gone to the devil, +as 'll have no more manner o' use for 'em than a serjeant of jollies has +for a hand-bible." + +"Where's Mr. ----?" shouted his lordship, and the master's mate who had +had charge of the deck stood before him. "How came all this, sir?" + +"It was a white squall, my lord," returned the young man addressed; "not +a soul saw it till it caught the ship, and the topmasts went over the +side immediately." + +"I shall inquire into the fact presently, sir," rejoined his lordship, +excessively vexed and mortified. "Turn the hands up--clear the wreck!" + +"Hands up--clear the wreck!" shouted the first lieutenant. + +"Hands up--clear the wreck!" repeated the master's mate. + +"Boatswain's mate, pipe 'Clear the wreck!'" reiterated the midshipmen. +"Twhit! twhit!" went the call; and, "Clear wreck, a-hoy!" vociferated +Jack Sheavehole, in a voice resembling the roar of the bellows of an +anchor-forge. The summons, however, was hardly necessary, as every soul +had _tumbled_ up at the moment the frigate righted; and all turned to +with a hearty goodwill to repair damages, every officer and man using +his best exertions. + +"The squall spoilt our fun, master," said the first lieutenant to +old Parallel, as the latter was superintending the preparations for +unrigging the old, and rigging the new spare topmasts. + +"Ay! ay! 'twas an onfortunate _blow_ to the harmony of the evening; but +it will do for an incident for Nugent," responded the veteran. "Where's +his fine lady curtcheying to herself in a mirror now? If he had stuck +to plain matter-of-fact, mayhap the spars would have behaved better; +though, arter all, it's a marcy they were so carroty, or mayhap her +ladyship might have curtcheyed so low as to have gone to the bottom." + +That night was a night of arduous but light-hearted toil; no man shrunk +from his task; and, when they piped to breakfast next morning, the +frigate was once more all ataunt'o, with royals and studding-sails set, +in chase of a large ship of warlike appearance that was seen in the +north-west, running away large, apparently bound in for Toulon. + +"Foretopsel-yard, there!" shouted Lord Eustace, from the quarter-deck. +"What do you make of her, Mr. Nugent?" + +"She's nearly end on, my lord," responded the young lieutenant, as, +steadying himself by the topsail-tie, he directed his glass towards the +stranger; and then, in a few minutes, added, "She spreads a broad cloth, +my lord; and, from the cut of her canvass, I should most certainly +say----" and he paused to take another look. + +"I'd take my daffy on it, Mr. Nugent," said the look-out man, "her +topsels are more hollowed out than ourn; her royals never came out of a +British dock-yard; and I'd bet my six months' whack again a scupper-nail +that she's a Frenchman, and a large frigate too." + +"Well, what is she, Nugent?" shouted the noble captain. "Can you see +down to her courses!" + +"Yes, my lord," responded the lieutenant; "we shall, I hope, have her +hull in sight before long, as I have no hesitation in saying--that is, +my lord, I think she's an enemy frigate." + +This annunciation was heard fore and aft; for, during the time of his +lordship hailing, every whisper was hushed, and scarcely even a limb +moved, lest the listener should lose the replies. Expectations had been +raised that the vessel in sight might be a French transport, from the +Egyptian coast, or perhaps a merchantman; but the chance of an enemy's +frigate was indeed joyous news. Breakfast was hastily despatched; the +mess-kits were speedily stowed away, and the boatswain's shrill call +echoed amongst the canvass as he piped "Make sail, ahoy!" In an instant +every man was at his station; every yard of cloth that could catch +a breath of wind was packed upon the Spankaway, who seemed to glide +along through the water just as easy as when she first started from the +buttered slips. Indeed, Jack Sheavehole declared that "she wur all the +better for the spree she'd had the night afore." + +An exciting period is the time of chase, and it is extremely interesting +to observe the anxious looks of the officers as they eye the trim of +the sails, and the ready attention of the tars as they execute the +most minute command, as if everything depended on their own individual +exertions. The usual routine of duty frequently gives place to the +all-absorbing stimulus which actuates every mind alike; and, as the +seamen group themselves together, they spin their yarns of battles and +captures, and calculate their share of the amount of prize-money before +they engage the enemy, totally regardless of the advice in the "Cook's +Oracle," viz. "First catch an eel, and then skin him." But what have +they to do with the "Cook's Oracle," when every man is by rotation cook +of the mess in his own natural right, and "gets the plush (overplus) of +grog?" + +All day the chase continued; and the Spankaway overhauled the stranger +so as materially to lessen the distance between them: in fact, her hull +could be plainly discerned from the deck, and there was no longer any +doubt of her national character. In the afternoon permission was given +to take the hammocks below, but not a man availed himself of it; they +were therefore re-stowed in readiness for that engagement which all +hearts were eager for, all hands itching to begin. Evening closed in, +and keen eyes were employed to keep sight of the enemy. The men lay down +at their quarters; some to take a nigger's sleep,--one eye shut and the +other open; some to converse in good audible whispers; some leaning out +at the ports, and watching the moonbeams reflected on the waters, whilst +the hissing and chattering noise made by the progress of the ship was +sweet music to their ears. + +It was a lovely night for contemplation,--but what did Jack want with +contemplation whilst an enemy's frigate was in sight? The breeze was +light enough to please a lady,--it would have scarcely vibrated the +cords of an Æolian lyre: but this was not the breeze for our honest +tars; they wanted to hear the gale thrilling through the harpstrings of +the standing rigging, with a running accompaniment of deep bass from the +ocean, as their counter, set in sea, trebled the piping noise of the +wind. Yet there was one satisfaction; the Frenchman had no more than +themselves, and they carried every fresh capful along with them before +it reached the chase. The full round moon tried her best endeavour to +make her borrowed radiance equally as luminous as that of the glorious +orb which so generously granted the loan, with only one provision, +that a certain rate of interest should be paid to the earth; but the +old girl on this night tried to sport the principal. The waters were +lucidly clear, and the mimic waves on its surface would scarcely have +been a rough sea to that model of a Dutch dogger--a walnut-shell. Yet +the Spankaway was stealing along some seven knots an hour, and the sails +just slept a dreamer's sleep. + +On the forecastle--that post of honour to a seaman, where the tallest +and the best of Britain's pride are always to be found--men who can +take the weather-wheel, heave the lead, splice a cable, or furl a +foresail,--the A. B.'s of the royal navy,--on the forecastle, just +in amidships, before the mast, sat our old friend, Jack Sheavehole, +Sam Slick, the ship's tailor, Joe Nighthead, Mungo Pearl, a negro +captain of the sweepers, Jemmy Ducks, the poulterer, Bob Martingal, a +forecastleman, and several others, who were stationed at the foremost +guns. + +"I just tell you what it is, Jack," said Bob Martingal, continuing a +dispute that had arisen, "I tell you what it is; some on you is as +onbelieving as that 'ere Jew as they've legged down so much again, and +who, they say, is working a traverse all over the world to this very +hour, with a billy-goat's beard afore him as long as a chafing mat. But, +take care, my boyo, you arn't conwincetecated some o' these here odd +times, when you least expects it." + +"Onbelieving about what, Bob?" responded the boatswain's mate. +"Onbelieving 'cause we don't hoist in all your precious tough yarns as +'ud raise a fellow's hair on eend, and make his head look a mainshroud +dead-eye stuck round with marlin'-spikes?" + +"Or a cushionful of pins," chimed in Sam Slick. + +"Or a duck with his tail up," added the poulterer. + +"Hould your precious tongues, you lubbers!--what should you know about +the build and rig of a devil's own craft? retorted Bob, addressing the +two officials. "My messmate here, and that's ould Jack, has got a good +and nat'ral right to calculate the jometry of the thing, seeing as he +has sarved his life to the ocean, man and boy, and knows an eyelet-hole +from a goose's gun-room, which, I take it, is more nor both on you +together can diskiver either in the twist of a button-catcher or the +drawing of a pullet. But I'm saying, Jack, you are onbelieving,--else +why do you misdoubt the woracity of my reckoning." + +"'Cause you pitches it too strong, Bob," answered the boatswain's mate; +"your reck'ning is summut like ould Blowhard's, as keeps the Duncan's +Head at Castle-rag,--chalks two for one. Spin your yarns to the marines, +Bob; they'll always believe you. Cause why?--they expects you'll just +hould on by their monkey-tails in return." + +"Monkey-tails or no monkey-tails arn't the question," returned Bob with +some warmth; "it's the devil's tail as I'm veering away upon, and----" + +"I'm blessed if it won't bring you up all standing with a roundturn +round your neck some o' these here days," uttered Jack, interrupting him. + +"Never mind that," returned Bob with a knowing shake of the head; "I +shall uncoil it again, if he arn't got the king's broad arrow on the end +on it. But mayhap, then, you won't believe as there is such a justice o' +peace as ould Davy?" + +"Do I believe my catechiz as I forgot long ago?" responded old Jack. +"Why, yes, messmate, I wooll believe that there is a consarn o' the +kind; but not such a justice o' peace as you'd make of him, rigged out +in one o' your 'long-shore clargy's sky-scraper shovel-nosed trucks, +leather breeches, and top-boots! I tell you it won't do, Bob, in the +regard o' the jography o' the matter. Why, where the h--is he to coil +away his outrigger in a pair of tight leather rudder casings over his +starn? Ax the tailor there whether it arn't onpossible. And how could +he keep top-boots on to his d--d onprincipled shanks, as are no better +in the fashion of their cut than a couple of cow's trotters? And what +single truck would fit two mast-heads at once, seeing as he al'ays +carries a pair of horns as big as a bull's. No, no, Bob; you wants +to make a gentleman of the picarooning wagabone, when everybody as +knows anything about him knows he's a thundering blagguard, as my ould +captain, Sir Joseph Y--ke, used to say in one of his beautiful sarmons, +'he goes cruising about seeking to devour a roaring lion,' and that's +no child's play anyhow! But, howsomever, a yarn's a yarn, ould chap; so +lather-away with your oak stick: I'll hoist in all I can, just to confar +a favour on you; and, as for the rest, why I'll let it go by the run." + +"I must crave permission to put in a word, since I have been +professionally appealed to," said Sam Slick with becoming gravity, and +smoothing down the nap of his sleeping-jacket. "With respect to the +breeches,--wash-leather, after they have been worn for some time, will +give and stretch, and----" + +"Come, none o' your stretching, Sam," chimed in Jemmy Ducks. "What +you've got to show is, whether you can stow a cable in a hen-coop." + +"Not exactly," returned Sam; "for I'm sure Mister Sheavehole must allow +that the capacity and capability of a pair of leather breeches----" + +"I shan't never allow no such consarns as them 'ere!" exclaimed Jack. +"Do, Bob, get on with your yarn, and clap a stopper on the lubber's +jawing-gear." + +"Well, since you've put me upon it by misdoubting my woracity," said +Bob, "why, I'll up and tell you a thing or two. Which on you has ever +been down to Baltimore?" + +"I have," returned a forecastleman, impatient to wedge in a word or two. +"I was there onest in a ship transport, and our jolly-boat broke adrift +in the night, and went ashore without leave; and so, next morning, we +sees her lying on the beach all alone, as if she'd been a liberty-boy +hard up in the regard o' the whiskey. And so the second mate and a party +goes to launch her: but some wild Ingines, only they warn't quite black, +came down, and wouldn't let us lay a finger on her till we'd paid summut +for hauling her up, which was all nat'ral in course; but the second mate +hadn't never got not a single copper whatsomever about him, and so he +orders us to launch her whether or no, Tom Collins; and, my eyes! but +they did kick up a shindy, jabbering in a lingo like double Dutch coiled +again the sun; and says one on 'em, seeing as we were man-handling the +boat, says he, 'Arrah, Tim, call to de boys to bring down de shticks---- +'" + +"You means Baltimore in Ireland," uttered Bob, with some degree of +contempt, "and I means Baltimore in the United States o' Maryland, where +the river runs along about three leagues out of Chesapeake Bay,--and a +pretty place it is too of a Saturday night for a bit of a John Canooing, +and a bite of pigtail, letting alone the grog and the gals----" + +"Which you never did, Bob, I'll be sworn," said Jack laughing. + +"Never did what, Jack?" asked the other, apparently surprised at the +positive assertion. + +"Why, let the grog and the gals alone, God A'mighty bless both on 'em!" +replied the boatswain's mate; "but heave a-head, my hearty." + +Bob gave a self-satisfied grin, and proceeded. "Why, d'ye mind, I'd been +fool enough to grease my heels from a hooker,--no matter whatsomever +her name might be or where she sailed from, seeing as she carried a +coach-whip at her main-truck and a rogue's yarn in her standing and +running gear. But I was young and foolish, and my brains hadn't come to +their proper growth; and one o' your land-sharks had got a grip o' me; +and there I was a-capering ashore, and jumping about like a ring-tail +monkey over a hot plantain; and so I brings up at the sign of the +General Washingtub, and there used to be a lot of outrageous tarnation +swankers meet there for a night's spree,--fellows as carried bright +marlin'-spikes in their pockets for toothpicks, and what not, and +sported Spanish dollars on their jackets for buttons. They belonged to +a craft as laid in the harbour,--a reg'lar clipper, all legs and wings: +she had a white cherry-bum for a figure-head; ounly there was a couple +o' grease-horns sprouting out on the forehead, and she was as pretty a +piece of timber upon the water as ever was modelled by the hand of the +devil." + +"Why, how do you know who moulded her frame, Bob?" inquired Jack +provokingly. "It might have been some honest man's son, instead of the +ould chap as you mentions. But if any one sees a beautiful hooker that's +more beautifuller nor another, then she's logged down as the devil's own +build, and rigged by the captain of the sweepers." + +"Wharra you mean by dat, Massa Jack?" exclaimed Mungo Pearl, who held +that honourable station, and felt his dignity offended by the allusion; +"wharra you mean by dat, eh?" + +"Just shut your black-hole," answered Jack with a knowing look; "don't +the ould witches ride upon birch-brooms, and sweep through the air,--and +arn't the devil their commander-in-chief? Well, then, in course he is +captain o' the sweepers. But go along, Bob. I'll lay my allowance o' +grog to-morrow she was painted black." + +"Well, so she was, Jack," responded Martingal, "all but a narrow fiery +red ribbon round her sides, as looked for all the world like a flash o' +lightning darting out of a thunder-cloud; and her name was the In-fun-oh +(Infernaux), but I'm d--d if there was any fun in the consarn arter +all. Well, d'ye see, the hands were a jolly jovial set, with dollars +as plentiful as boys' dumps, and they pitched 'em away at the lucky, +and made all sneer again. The skipper was a civil-spoken gentleman, +with a goodish-sized ugly figure-head of his own, one eye kivered over +with a black patch, and the other summut like a stale mackerel's; but +it never laid still, and was al'ays sluing round and round, 'cause it +had to do double duty. Still he was a pleasantish sort of a chap, and +had such a 'ticing way with him, that when he axed me to ship in the +craft, I'm blow'd if I could say 'No,' though I felt summut dubersome +about the consarn; and the more in regard of an ould tar telling me +the black patch was all a sham, but he was obliged to kiver the eye +up, 'cause it was a ball o' fire as looked like a glowing cinder in +a fresh breeze. He'd sailed with him a voyage or two, and he swore +that he had often seen the skipper clap his cigar under the false port +and light it by his eye; and one night in a gale o' wind, when the +binnacle-lamp couldn't be kept burning, he steered the ship a straight +course by the compass from the brightness of his eye upon the card. +Howsomever, I didn't much heed to all that 'ere, seeing as I knowed +how to spin a tough yarn myself: and then there was the grog and the +shiners, a sweet ship and civil dealing; and I'll just ax what's the +use o' being nice about owners, as long as you do what's right and +ship-shape? 'Still, messmate,' thinks I to myself, 'it's best not to be +too much in a hurry;' so I backs and fills, just dropping with the tide +of inclination, and now and then letting go the kedge o' contradiction +to swing off from the shore; and at last I tould him 'I'd let him know +next day.' Well, I goes to the ould tar as I mentioned afore, and I +tells him all about it. 'Don't go for to sign articles in no such a +craft as that 'ere,' says he in a moloncholy way.--'Why not?' says I, +quite gleesome and careless, though there was a summut that comothered +me all over when he spoke.--'I mustn't tell you,' says he; 'but take my +advice, and never set foot on board a craft that arn't got no 'sponsible +owners,' says he.--'You must tell me more nor that,' says I, 'or you +may as well tell me nothing. You've been to sea in her, and are safe +enough; why shouldn't I?'--'I advise you for your good,' says he again, +all fatherlike and gently; 'you can do as you please. You talk of my +safety,' and he looked cautiously round him; 'but it's the parsen as has +done it for me.'--'Oh! I see how the land lies,' says I; 'you're a bit +of a methodish, and so strained the yarns o' your conscience, 'cause you +made a trip to the coast o' Guinea for black wool.'--He shook his head: +'Black wool, indeed,' says he; 'but no man as knows what I knows would +ever lay hand to sheet home a topsel for a commander who----' and he +brought up his speech all standing.--'Who what?' axes I; but he wouldn't +answer: and so, being a little hopstropulous in my mind, and willing to +try the hooker, 'It's no matter,' says I, 'I'll have a shy at her if I +loses my beaver. No man can expect to have the devil's luck and his own +too.'--'That's it!' says he, starting out like a dogvane in a sudden +puff.--'That's what?' axes I.--'The devil's luck!' says he: 'don't +go for to ship in that craft. She's handsome to look at; but, like a +painted scullerpar, or sea-poll-ker, or some such name, she's full o' +dead men's bones.'--'Gammon!' says I boldly with my tongue, though I +must own, shipmates, there was summut of a flusteration in my heart as +made me rather timbersome; 'Gammon!' says I, 'what 'ud they do with such +a cargo even in a slaver?'--'I sees you're wilful,' says he angrily; +'but log this down in your memory: if you do ship in that 'ere craft, +you'll be d--d!'--'Then I'll be d--d if I don't:' says I, 'and so, ould +crusty-gripes, here goes;' and away I started down to one of the keys +just to take a look at her afore I entered woluntary; and there she lay +snoozing as quiet as a cat on a hearth-rug, or a mouse in the caulker's +oakum. Below, she was as black as the ace o' spades, and almost as sharp +in the nose; but, aloft, her white tapering spars showed like a delicate +lady's fingers in silk-net gloves----" + +"Or holding a skein of silk," chimed in Sam Slick. + +"Well, shipmates," continued Bob; "whilst I was taking a pretty long +eye-drift over her hull and rigging, and casting my thoughts about the +skipper, somebody taps me on the arm, and when I slued round, there +he was himself, _in properer personnee_; and, 'Think o' the devil,' +says I, 'and he's over your shoulder, saving your honour's presence, +and I hopes no offence.' Well, I'm blessed but his eye--that's his +onkivered one, messmates--twinkled and scaled over dark again, just for +all the world like a revolving light, and 'Not no offence at all, my +man,' says he; 'it's al'ays best to be plain-spoken in such consarns; +we shall know one another better by-and-by. But how do you like the +ship?'--'She's a sweet craft, your honour,' says I; 'and I should have +no objection to a good berth on board her, provided we can come to +reg'lar agreement.'--'We shall not quarrel, I dare say, my man,' says +he, quite cool and insinivating; 'my people never grumble with their +wages, and you see yourself they wants for nothing.'--'All well and +good, your honour,' says I; 'and, to make short of the long of it, Bob +Martingal's your own.' Well, his eye twinkled again, and there seemed to +be such a heaving and setting just under the tails of his long togs, and +a sort o' rustling down one leg of his trousers, that blow me if I could +tell what to make on it; and 'I knew you'd be mine,' says he: 'we shall +go to sea in the morning, so you'd better get your traps aboard as soon +as possible.' Well, messmates, I bids him good morning; but, thinks I to +myself, I'll just take a bit of a overhaul of the craft afore I brings +my duds aboard; and so, jumping into a punt, a black fellow pulls me +alongside, and away I goes on to the deck, and there the first person I +seed was the skipper. How he came there was a puzzler, for d--the boat +had left the key but our own since we parted a few minutes afore. 'And +now, Bob,' says he, 'I suppose you are ready to sign.'--'All in good +time, your honour,' says I. 'You're aboard afore me, but I'm blessed if +I seed you come.'--'It warn't necessary you should,' says he; 'my boat +travels quick, my man, and makes short miles.'--'All's the same for +that, your honour,' says I, 'whether you man your barge or float off +on the anchor-stock--it's all as one to Bob.'--'You're a 'cute lad,' +says he, twinkling his eye, 'and must rise in the sarvice. Go below +and visit your future shipmates.'--'Thanky, your honour,' says I, and +down the hatchway I goes; and there were the messes, with fids o' roast +beef and boiled yams in shining silver platters, with silver spoons, +and bottles o' wine, all in grand style, as quite comflogisticated me; +and 'What cheer--what cheer, shipmate?' says they; and then they axed +me to take some grub with 'em, which in course I did. She'd a noble +'tween decks,--broad in the beam, with plenty o' room to swing hammocks; +but, instead of finding ounly twenty hands, I'm blowed if there warn't +more nor a hundred. So arter I'd had a good tuck-out, I goes on deck +again and looks about me. She was a corvette, flush fore and aft, with +a tier of port-holes, but ounly six guns mounted; and never even in a +man-o'-war did I see everything so snug and neat. 'Well, your honour, +I'm ready to sign articles,' says I.--'Very good,' says he; and down +we goes into the cabin; and, my eyes! but there was a set-out,--gold +candlesticks and lamps, and large silver figures, like young himps, +and clear looking-glasses, and silk curtains, and handsome sofas; and +there upon one on 'em sat a beautiful young creatur, with such a pair +of large full eyes as blue as the sky, and white flaxen hair that hung +like fleecy clouds about her forehead,--it made a fellow think of +heaven and the angels: but she never smiled, shipmates,--there was a +moloncholy about the lower part of her face as showed she warn't by no +manner o' means happy; and whilst the skipper was getting the articles +out of the locker, she motioned to me, but I couldn't make out what +she meant. The skipper did, though; for he turned round in a fury, and +stamped on the cabin deck as he lifted up the black patch, and a stream +of light for all the world like the glow of a furnace through a chink +in a dark night fell upon her. He had his back to me, so I couldn't +make out where the light came from; but the poor young lady gave a +skreek and fell backard on the sofa. Now, messmates, I'd obsarved that +when he stamped with his foot that it warn't at all like a nat'ral +human stamp, for it came down more like the hoof of a horse or a box; +and thinks I to myself, 'I'm d--, Bob, but you're in for it now; the +skipper must be a devil of a fellow to use such a lovely creatur arter +that fashion.'--'You're right, my man,' says he, grinning like one o' +them faces on the cat-head, 'he _is_ a _devil_ of a fellow.'--'I never +spoke not never a word, your honour,' says I, thrown all aback by the +concussion. 'No, but you thought it,' says he; 'don't trouble yourself +to deny it: tell lies to everybody else, if you pleases, but it's +no use selling 'em to me.'--'God forbid, your--' I was going to say +'honour,' but he stopped me with another stamp, and 'Never speak that +name in my presence again,' says he; 'if you do, it ull be the worse +for you. Come and sign the articles.' My eyes! shipmates, but I was +in a pretty conflobergasticationment; there stood the skipper, with a +bright steel pen in his hand as looked like a doctor's lanchet, and +there close by his side, upon her beam-ends, laid that lovely young +creatur, the sparkling jewels in her dress mocking the wretchedness of +her countenance. 'Are you ready?' says he; and his onkivered eye rolled +round and round, and seemed to send out sparks through the friction. +'Not exactly, your honour,' says I, 'for I carn't write, in regard o' +my having sprained both ankles, and got a twist in my knee-joint when +I warn't much higher than a quart pot.'--'That's a lie, Bob,' says he; +and so it was, messmates, for I thought I must make some excuse to save +time. 'Howsomever,' says he, 'you can make your mark.'--Thinks I so +myself, 'I would pretty soon, my tight un, if I had you ashore.'--'I +know it,' says he; 'but you're aboard now, and so you may either +sign or not, just as it suits your fancy, my man; ounly understand +this--if you don't sign, you shall be clapped in irons, and fed upon +iron hoops and scupper-nails for the next six months, and I wish you +a good disgestion.'--'Thanky, your honour,' says I; 'and what if I do +sign?'--'Why then,' says he, 'you shall live like a fighting-cock, +and have as much suction as the Prince of Whales.' Well, shipmates, +I was just like the Yankee's schooner when she got jammed atwixt two +winds, and so I thought there could be no very great damage in making a +scratch or two upon a bit o' parchment; and 'All right, your honour,' +says I; 'hand us over the pen: but your honour hasn't got not never +an inkstand.'--'That's none o' your business,' says he; 'if you are +resolved to sign, I'll find materials.'--'Very good,' says I; 'I'll just +make my mark.'--'Hould up!' says he to the young lady; and she scringed +all together in a heap, and shut her large blue eyes as she held up a +beautiful white round arm, bare up to the shoulder: it looked as solid +and as firm as a piece of marble stationery." + +"Statuary, you mean," said Sam Slick, interrupting the narrative. "But I +say, Bob, do you expect us to believe all this?" + +"I believes every word on it," asserted Jemmy Ducks, who had been +attentively listening, with his mouth wide open to catch all that was +uttered: "what can you find onnat'ral or dubersome about it? The skipper +was no doubt a black-hearted nigger." + +"Nigger yousef, Massa Jemmy Ducks," exclaimed Mungo Pearl; "d--you black +heart for twist 'em poultry neck." + +"Silence there in amidships," said Mr. Parallel: "you make so much noise +that I can't keep my glass steady. Spin your yarns, Mr. Pearl, with your +mouth shut, like an oyster;" and then, addressing the captain, "We rise +her fast, my lord, and the breeze freshens: the ould beauty knows she's +got some work cut out for her; she begins to smell garlic, and walks +along like an ostrich on the stretch--legs and wings, and all in full +play." + +"What distance are we from Toulon?" inquired Lord Eustace, as he +carefully and anxiously scanned the stranger through his glass. + +"About nine leagues," promptly answered Mr. Parallel; "and if the +breeze houlds on, or comes stronger, another three hours will carry us +alongside of the enemy." + +"We shall soon have her within reach of the bow-guns," said the first +lieutenant, "and a shot well thrown may take in some of her canvass." + +"That's a good deal of it chance-work," responded the master; "it mought +and it moughtn't; but firing is sure to frighten the----" + +"Spirits of the wind," added Nugent, who stood close beside him; "they +become alarmed and take to flight, and so we lose the flapping of their +airy wings." + +"Hairy grandmother," grumbled old Parallel, "hairy wings indeed; why, +who ever seed such a thing? Spirits of wind, too,--rum spirits, mayhap, +to cure flatulency. Stick to natur, Mr. Nugent, or she'll be giving us +another squall, just out o' revenge for being ridiculed." + +"Get on with your yarn, Bobbo," said Joe Nighthead in an under tone; +"and just you take a reef in your bellows, Mister Mungo, and don't speak +so loud again." + +"Where was I?" inquired Bob thoughtfully: "oh, now I recollect;--down +in the cabin, going to sign the articles. 'Are you quite ready?' says +the skipper to me as he raised the pen. 'All ready,' says I.--'Then +hould up,' says he to the young lady, and she raised her fair arm. 'Come +here, my man,' says he again to me, and I clapped him close alongside +at the table; 'be ready to grab hould o' the pen in a moment, and make +your mark _there_,' and he pointed to a spot on the parchment, with a +brimstone seal stamped again it--you might have smelt it, messmates, +for half a league--and, I'm blessed if I didn't have a fit o' the +doldrums; but, nevertheless, I put a bould face upon it, and, 'Happy +go lucky,' says I, 'all's one to Bob!' and then there was another +rustling noise down the leg of his trousers, and his eye--that's his +onkivered one--flashed again, and took to rolling out sparks like a +flint-mill; 'Listen, my man,' says he, 'to what I'm going to say, +and pay strict attention to it'--'I wool, your honour,' says I; 'but +hadn't the lady better put down her arm?' says I; 'it ull make it ache, +keeping it up so long.'--'Mind your own business, Bob Martingal,' +says he, quite cantankerously; 'she's houlding the inkstand.'--'Who's +cracking now, your honour?' says I laughing; 'the lady arn't got not +nothing whatsomever in her hand. I'm blowed if I don't think you all +carries out the name o' the craft In-fun-oh.'--'Right,' says he; 'and +now attend. If after I have dipt this here pen in the ink, you refuse +to sign the articles--you have heard o' this?' and he touched the +black patch. I gave a devil-may-care sort of a nod. 'Well, then, if +you refuses to sign, I'll nillyate you.'--'Never fear,' says I, making +out to be as bould as a lion, for there was ounly he and I men-folk +in the cabin; and, thinks I to myself, 'I'm a match for him singly at +any rate.'--'You're mistaken,' says he, 'and you'll find it out to +your cost, if you don't mind your behaviour, Bob Martingal.'--'I never +opened my lips, your honour,' says I.--'Take care you don't,' says he, +'and be sure to obey orders.' He turned to the lady. 'Are you prepared, +Marian?' axes he; but she never spoke. 'She's faint, your honour,' says +I, 'God bless her!' The spiteful wretch give me a red-hot look, and +his d---- oncivil cloven foot--for I'd swear to the mark it made--came +crushing on my toes, and made me sing out blue blazes. 'Is that obeying +orders?' says he: 'didn't I command you never to use that name afore +me?'--'You did, your honour,' says I; 'but you might have kept your +hoof off my toes, seeing as I haven't yet signed articles.'--'It was +an accident,' says he, 'and here's something to buy a plaster;' and he +throws down a couple of doubloons, which I claps into my pocket. 'You +enter woluntarily into my service, then?' says he.--'To be sure I do,' +says I, though I'm blessed if I wouldn't have given a treble pork-piece +to have been on shore again.--'And you'll make your mark to that?' +says he, 'and ax no further questions?'--'To be sure I will,' says I; +and I'll just tell you what it is, messmates, I'm blowed if ever I was +more harder up in my life than when I seed him raise the pen, as looked +like a sharp lanchet, in his infernal thieving-hooks, and job it right +into that beautiful arm, and the blood spun out, and the lady gave a +skreek; and 'Sign--sign!' says he; 'quick, my man--your mark!'--'No, +I'm d--if I do,' says I; 'let blood be on them as sheds it.'--'You +won't?' says he.--'Never, you spawn o' Bellzebub!' says I; for I'd +found him out, shipmates.--'Then take the consequences,' says he; and +up went the black patch, and, by the Lord Harry! he sported an eye that +nobody never seed the like on in their lives; it looked as big and as +glaring as one o' them red glass bottles of a night-time as stands in +the potecarry's windows with a lamp behind 'em; but it was ten thousand +times more brilliant than the fiercest furnace that ever blazed,--you +couldn't look upon it for a moment; and I felt a burning heat in my +heart and in my stomach, as if I'd swallowed a pint of vitriol; and my +strength was going away and I was withering to a hatomy, when all at +once I recollects a charm as my ould mother hung round my neck when I +was a babby, and I snatches it off and houlds it out at arm's length +right in his very face. My precious eyes and limbs! how he did but caper +about the cabin, till his hat fell off, and there was his two fore-tack +bumkins reg'larly shipped over his bows and standing up with a bit of a +twist outwards just like the head-gear of a billy-goat. 'Keep off, you +bitch's babby!' says I, for he tried onknown schemes and manoeuvres +to get at me; till suddenly I hears a loud ripping of stitches, and +away went the casings of his lower stancheons, and out came a tail as +long----" + +"Almost as long as your'n, I suppose," said old Jack Sheavehole; "a +precious yarn you've been spinning us, Mister Bob!" + +"But what became of the lady?" inquired Sam Slick; "and what a lubber of +a tailor he must have been to have performed his work so badly!" + +"The lady?" repeated Bob; "why, I gets her in tow under my arm, and +shins away up the companion-ladder, the ould fellow chasing me along the +deck with a boarding-pike, his tail sticking straight out abaft, just +like a spanker-boom over his starn; but the charm kept him off, and away +I runs to the gangway, where the shore-boat and the nigger were waiting, +and you may guess, shipmates, I warn't long afore we were hard at work +at the paddles; for I laid the lady down in the bottom o' the punt, and +'Give way, you bit of ebony,' says I, 'or Jumbee 'ull have you stock +and fluke.' Well, if there warn't a bobbery aboard the In-fun-oh, there +never was a bobbery kicked up in the world; and 'Get ready that gun +there!' shouted the skipper." + +At this moment the heavy booming of a piece of ordinance was heard +sounding across the water. Up jumped Jemmy Ducks, and roared out, "Oh +Lord! oh dear!--there's the devil again!--what shall I do!" and a +general laugh followed. + +"The chase is trying his range, my lord," exclaimed Mr. Seymour; "but +the shot must have fallen very short, as we couldn't hear it." + +"Keep less noise on the fokesel," said old Parallel. "What ails that +lubberly wet-nurse to all the geese in the ship? Ay, ay, he'll have +hould on you by-and-by! Get a pull of that topmast-stud'nsel tack." + +The men immediately obeyed; and, as they were coming up fast with the +enemy, excitement and impatience put an end to long yarns. But Bob just +squeezed out time to tell them that he got safe ashore with the lady; +and the "In-fun-oh" tripped her anchor that same tide, dropped down the +river, and put to sea, nor was she ever heard of again afterwards. The +lady was the daughter of a rich merchant in Baltimore, who had been +decoyed away from her family, but by the worthy tar's instrumentality +was happily restored again. Bob got a glorious tuck-out aboard, the two +doubloons were safe in his pocket, and the father of Marian treated him +like a prince. + +Half an hour elapsed from the first discharge of the enemy's +sternchaser, when he again tried his range; and, to prove how rapidly +they were nearing each other, the shot this time passed over the British +frigate. There was something exhilarating to the ears of the seamen in +the whiz of its flight. Two or three taps on the drum aroused every man +to his quarters; the guns were cast loose, and the bowchasers cleared +away for the officers to practise. Heavy bets were made relative +to hitting the target, the iron was well thrown, and every moment +increased the eagerness of the tars to get fairly alongside. The land +was rising higher and higher out of the water,--the French port was +in view,--the enemy began to exult in the prospect of escape, when an +eighteen-pounder, pointed by the hands of the old master, brought down +her maintop-gallant-mast; and the Frenchman, finding it was utterly +impossible to get away without fighting, shortened sail, and cleared for +action. Three cheers hailed this manoeuvre. The British tars now made +certain of their prize; and, when within half pistol-shot, in came the +Spankaway's flying-kites, and in five minutes he was not only under snug +commanding canvass, but the moment they returned to their quarters they +passed close under the French frigate's stern, and steadily poured in +a raking broadside, every shot doing its own proper duty, and crashing +and tearing the enemy's stern-frame to pieces, ploughing up the decks +as they ranged fore and aft, and diminishing the strength of their +opponents by no less than twenty-seven killed and wounded. Still the +Frenchman fought bravely, and handled his vessel in admirable style. +Six of the Spankaway's lay dead, and thirteen wounded. Amongst the +latter was our worthy old friend Will Parallel, the master; a splinter +had struck him on the breast, and he was carried below insensible. +Sea-fights have so often been described, that they have now but little +novelty; let it therefore suffice, that, in fifty-six minutes from +the first broadside, the tricoloured flag came down, and the national +frigate _Hippolito_, mounting forty-four guns, struck to his Britannic +Majesty's ship the Spankaway, whose first lieutenant, Mr. Seymour, was +sent aboard to take possession, as a prelude to that step which he was +now certain of obtaining. Thus two nights of labour passed away, and the +triumph of the second made ample amendment for the misfortunes of the +first; besides enabling the warrant-officers to expend their stores, and +not a word about the white squall. + + + + + INDEX. + + A. + Addison, Mr. inedited letters of, 356, 357, 358, 360, 363; + anecdotes of him, 357 _n._; + remarks respecting him, 358, 359 _n._, 361, 362 _n._ + Advertisement Extraordinary, theatrical, 152. + Ainsworth, W. H. piece by, 325. + Alps, inhabitants of the, observations on their superstition, 608. + Anatomy of Courage, 398. + An Evening of Visits, 80. + Anselm, Abbot, 347. + Anspach, Margravine of, mistake in her Memoirs + respecting the elder George Colman, 7. + Anti Dry-rot Company, song of the, 94. + April Fools, song of the month, 325. + Authors and Actors, a dramatic sketch, 132. + + B. + Bannister, J. his intimacy with George Colman, 14. + Baon Ri Dhuv, or the Black Lady, legend of, 519. + Barter, Richie, see _Richie Barter_. + ----, Mrs. see _Plum, Lady_. + Bath, Lord, 7. + Bayly, T. Haynes, pieces by, 79, 153, 260, 354, 578. + Beaumanoir, Col. de, 96. + Beaumarchais, M. de, passage in his life, 233. + Biographical Sketch of Richardson the Showman, 178. + Black Lady, legend of, see _Baon Ri Dhuv_. + Blue Wonder, story of the, 450. + Bob Burns and Beranger, 525. + Bobis Head, legend of, 519. + Bottle of St. Januarius, song of the month for January, 1. + "Boz," pieces by, 105, 218, 225, 291, 326, 430, 515. + Budgell, Mr. his remarks respecting Lord Halifax + and Mr. Addison, 358 n. + Bugle, Miss Sarah, account of, 451. + Bullfinch, Mr. Theophilus, 591. + Bumble, Mr. 109, 218, 225, 430. + Byron, his opinion of Sheridan, 427. + + C. + Canada, remarks on travelling in, 559. + Carew, Molly, lament of her Irish lover, 527. + Castlereagh, Lord, 581. + Chapman, T. paper by, 410. + Chapter in the Life of a Statesman, + being inedited letters of Addison, 356. + Clavijo, Don Joseph, 236. + Claypole, Noah, his treatment of Oliver Twist, 327; + his quarrel with him, 336; + conversation with Mr. Bumble, 430. + Cleaver, Dr. sketch of his life and character, 442. + Clifton, the Hot Wells of, 63. + C----, M. de, 86. + Cobbler of Dort, story of the, 403. + Coleridge, remarks respecting, 417. + Collier, W. paper by, 485. + Colman, Francis, 7. + ----, the elder George, remarks respecting, 7. + ----, George, memoir of, 7; + lines written by, 12; + impromptu by, 16. + Conla, 522. + Contradiction, 338. + Cooper, J. F. piece by, 80. + Courage, Anatomy of, 398. + Cover, song of the, 402. + Craggs, Mr. junior, remarks respecting him, 361 n. + Crichton, James (the admirable,) eulogiums on, 416. + Critical Gossip with Lady M. W. Montagu, 138. + Curetoun, Dr. 123. + ----, Mrs. C. 121. + + D. + Darby the Swift, his personal appearance, 543; + story respecting him, 544. + Dash, Capt. Lord Eustace, character of, 269; + anecdote related by, 276. + Davids, C. J. pieces by, 231, 297, 339. + Dawkins, Jack, 439. + Devil and Johnny Dixon, 251. + Dibbs, Mrs. 565. + Didler, Dick, adventures of, 565. + Dixon, Johnny, description of, 252; + account of his adventure with the Devil, 255. + Doall, Dr. his professional schemes, 444. + Downwithit, Dr. character of, 121. + Doyle, Owen, 20. + Dulcet, Dr. account of, 288. + Dumb Waiter, lines on the, 341. + + E. + Edward Saville, a transcript, 155. + Egan, Squire, 23, 27, 169; + his adventures with Gustavus Granby O'Grady, + owing to the mistakes of Handy Andy, 171; + with Murlough Murphy, 373. + English poets, Gossip with some Old, 98. + Epigrams, 190, 381, 409, 493, 508. + Eva, 522. + Evening Meditation, 250. + Evening of Visits, 80. + Execution, the, a sporting anecdote, 561. + + F. + Falcon, Dr. his marriage, 450; + his expectations from Miss Sarah Bugle, 451. + Falstaff, Sir John, observations on his influence with Henry V. + while Prince of Wales, 494; + Johnson's character of 496; + his Gadshill adventure, 503; + remarks on his countenance, 506. + Family Stories, No. 1. 191; + No. 11. 266; + No. III. 341; + No. IV. 529; + No. V. 561. + Feaghan, Father Paul, 253. + Fiddler, Mrs. 137. + Fireside Stories, No. I, 191, see _Family Stories_. + Fitzalban, Capt. Hon. A. F. story respecting his cow, 65. + Fitzgerald, Lord E. observations on, 558. + Fitzgrowl, Mr. 132. + Fog, lines on a London, 492. + Fontenelle, lines in imitation of, 88. + Foote, Samuel, remarks respecting him, 10; + memoir of, 298; + his plays, 300; + accusations against him, 303; + his death, 304; + opinions of his comedies, _ib._; + of his dramas, _ib._; + anecdotes of him, 305. + Fothergill, Father, description of, 344. + Fragment of Romance, 165. + Friar Laurence and Juliet, a poem, 354. + + G. + Gamfield, Mr. 219. + Garrick, David, Foote's ridicule of, 305. + Goldsmith, Oliver, anecdotes of, 9. + Goodere, Capt. 299. + ----, Sir John, allusion to his murder, 299. + Glorvina, the Maid of Meath, 614. + Gossip with some Old English Poets, 98. + Grand Cham of Tartary and the Humble-bee, a poem, 339. + Green, Mr. specimen of his poetry, 101. + Grey Dolphin, story of the, 341. + Grummet, J. 67. + + H. + Hajji Baba, his remarks on England, 280; + his projected mission to England, 284; + his preparations, 364; + instructions, 366; + his remarks on the alterations among the Turks, 369; + his inquiries on the state of England, 487; + observations on France, 488; + his passage to Dover, 489; + remarks on the officers of customs, 490. + Halifax, Earl of, see _Montague, Charles_. + Hamburgh, Steam trip to, 509. + Handy Andy, paper so called, No. I. 20; + No. II. 169; + No. III. 373. + Headlong Hall, pieces by the author of, 29, 187. + Hero and Leander, a poem, 410. + Herrick, Mr. specimen of his poetry, 99. + Hints for an Historical Play, 597. + Hippothanasia; or, the last of Tails--a lamentable tale, 319. + Hogarth, George, piece by, 233. + Horse-pond, Reflections in a, 470. + Hot Wells of Clifton, lines to the, 64. + + I. + Impromptu, by George Colman, 16; + on "Boz," 297. + Improvement, the victim of, 599. + Ingoldsby, T. 201; + papers by, 266, 341, 529. + ----, Caroline, legend of "Tapton Everard" related by, 195. + Inscription for a cemetery, 473. + Introduction to the Biography of my + Aunt Jemima, the Political Economist, 382. + Ivory, Mr. his relation of the story of "Plunder Creek," 127. + + J. + Jackdaw of Rheims, 529. + Jaques, criticism on Shakspeare's character of, 550. + Jennings, Mr. 55, 59. + ----, Mrs. story of, 591. + Jordan, W. pieces written by, 178, 319. + J----, Madame de, 86. + Jocund, Joyce, piece written by, 190. + Johnson, Dr. 8; + anecdotes of, 9; + his remarks on Foote, 301, 305; + his Rasselas, 550. + Johns, Richard, piece by, 313. + Jonson, Ben, specimen of his poetry, 98. + + K. + Kats, Jacob, cobbler of Dort, story respecting, 403. + Kingston, Duchess of, her persecution of Foote, 303. + Knowles, Sheridan, paper by, 614. + Kyan's Patent--the Nine Muses and the Dry-rot, 93. + + L. + Lament over the Bannister, 151. + Lavender, Lord John, account of his projected marriage + with Miss Sophy Miggins, 260. + Leary the Piper's Lilt, song of the month for May, 429. + Legends--of Manor Hall, 29; + of Hamilton Tighe, 266; + of Bohis Head, 519; + of Mount Pilate, 608. + Le Gros, C. F. paper by, 247. + Les Poissons d'Avril, 397. + Lines on the "Young Veteran," John Bannister, 168; + to a Lyric and Artist, 177. + Linley, Miss, poem to, 420; + her marriage with Sheridan, 421; + her death, 425. + Lions, some particulars concerning a, 515. + Literature of North America, observations on, 534. + Little Bit of Tape, story of the, 313. + Littlejohn, Mr. 67. + London Fog, lines on a, 492. + Love and Poverty, 469. + Love in the City, 584. + Lover, Samuel, pieces by, 20, 88, 169, 217, 373. + + M. + Mac Gawly, Roger, 34. + ----, Biddy, 33. + M'Flummery, Mr. story respecting, 210. + Madrigal Society, description of the, 465. + Magan, Mr. 255. + Magian, Dr. papers by, 2, 105, 494, 550. + Maguire, Barney, 191. + Mann, Mrs. 109. + Manor Hall, legend of, 29. + Man with the Tuft, 576. + Marbois, Marquis de, 81, 82 _n._ + Mars and Venus, a poem, 247. + Martingal, Bob, story related by, 625. + Marvel, Andrew, extract from his poem addressed to Lord Fairfax, 99. + May Morning, song of the month for May, 429. + Meditation, an Evening, 250. + Memoir of George Colman, 7. + Merry Christmas, 260. + Metastasio, an imitation of, 88. + Metropolitan Men of Science, 89. + Miggins, Mr. Peter, his letter to Lord John Lavender, 260. + ----, Miss Sophy, 261, 265. + Minister's Fate, the, 577. + "Monstre" Balloon, a poem, 17. + Montagu, Lady Mary Wortley, remarks on her character, 138; + comparison between, and Byron, 140; + extracts from her letters, 141; + her observations on Addison, 362 _n._ + Montague, Charles, Earl of Halifax, + Addison's letters to, 356, 358, 360, 363; + remarks respecting him, 358 _n._ 359. + Months, songs of the, No. I. 1; + No. II. 105; + No. III. 217; + No. IV. 325; + No. V. 429; + No. VI. 533. + Morgan, Mr. 25. + Morier, J. Italian anecdote by, 103. + Mount Pilate, legend of, 608. + Murphy, Murtough, character of, 171; + his duel with Squire Egan, 373. + Murtough Murphy, _see Murphy_. + Muskan, Prince Puckler, paper by, 398. + + N. + Nights at Sea; or Sketches of Naval Life during the War, No. I. 269; + No. II. 474; + No. III. 621. + North American Indians, remarks on the periodical literature of, 534; + on their poetry, 536. + Nugent, Mr. specimen of his poetical taste, 272, 273. + + O. + Ode from the Emerald Isle, 620. + O'Dryscull, Reddy, communications by, 45, 397, 525. + O'Finn, Mrs. character of, 33; + her conversation with Terence O'Shaughnessy, 41. + O'Funnidos, Rigdum, piece written by, 208. + Ogle, Miss, her marriage with Sheridan, 425. + Old Age and Youth, a poem, 79. + Old English Poets, a Gossip with, 98. + Oliver Twist, his birth, 105; + education and board, 107; + escapes being apprenticed to a sweep, 218; + his entry into public life, 225; + conduct during his apprenticeship, 326; + his quarrel with Noah Claypole, 334; + his refractory conduct, 430; + account of his journey to London, 435; + of his rencontre with the strange young gentleman, 437; + introduction to the Jew, 441. + Ollier, Charles, paper by, 98. + Opening Chaunt to the Miscellany, 6. + "Original" Dragon, a legend of the Celestial Empire, 231. + Original of "Not a drum was heard," 97. + O'Shaughnessy, Terence, see _Terence O'Shaughnessy_. + + P. + Paddy Blake's Echo, 186. + Palaver, Mrs. character of, 591. + Pantomine of Life, 291. + Parallel, Mr. story told by, 277, 616. + Paris, remarks on society in, 86; picture of, in 1837, 387. + Passage in the Life of Beaumarchais, 233. + Perceval, Mr. remarks on his assassination, 679. + Periodical Literature of the North American Indians, 534. + Peter Plumbago's Correspondence, 448. + Peters, Mr. 196. + ----, Mrs. 196. + Phillips, Ambrose, remarks respecting him, 359 _n._ + "Plunder Creek," (1783,) a legend of New York, 121. + Plum, Sir Toby, 116. + ----, Lady, 116. + Poets, Gossip with some Old English, 98. + Pontius Pilate, legend respecting, 610. + Pooledoune, John, the victim of improvement, 599. + ----, Roger, 600. + Portrait Gallery, No. I. 286; + No. II. 442. + Pounce, Mr. story related by him to the Wide-awake Club, 209. + Poverty, glee in praise of, 525. + Prologue to the miscellany, 2. + "Prout, Father," pieces by, 1, 46, 63, 96, 397, 525. + + Q. + Queershanks, Mr. 135. + + R. + Randolph, Thomas, specimen of his poetry, 99. + "Random Records," extract from, 14. + Rankin, F. H. paper by, 382. + "Rattlin the Reefer," piece by the author of, 65. + Rasselas, remarks on, 550. + Reckoning with Time, 12. + Recollections of Childhood, 187. + Reflections in a Horse-pond, 471. + Remains of Hajji Baba, 280, 364, 487. + Remnant of the time of Izaak Walton, a poem, 230. + Reynolds, Hamilton, piece by, 138. + Rheims, Jackdaw of, 529. + Richardson, John, the Showman, biographical account of, 178. + Richie Barter, story of, 116. + Rising Periodical, 101. + Robethon, M. de, Addison's letter to, 357. + Romance of a Day, 565. + Rooney, Andy, see _Handy Andy_. + Rose, Sir George, piece by, 168. + + S. + Sabine Farmer's Serenade, 46. + Saddleton, Emanuel, 341. + Scenes in the Life of a Gambler, 387. + Scowl, Mr. 133. + Seaforth, Lieut. Charles, account of his somnambulism, 191. + Seymour, Mr. story related by, 276. + Shakspeare, criticisms on his plays, 551. + Shakspeare Papers, No. I. 494; + No. II. 550. + Sheavehole, Jack, story told by, 476. + Sheridan, Richard Brinsley, memoirs of, 419; + his poem to Miss Linley, 420; + private marriage with her, 421; + his plays, 422; + his parliamentary talents, 424; + anecdote of, 425; + his second marriage, _ib._; + his misfortunes, 426; + death, _ib._; + character, 427; + Byron's opinion of, _ib._ + Shurland, Sir Ralph de, adventures of, 341. + Signs of the Zodiac, a gastronomical chaunt, 397. + Simpkinson, Mr. character of, 197. + ----, Miss Julia, her poetic taste, 197; + her ode, 200. + Slowby, Richard, account of his adventures, 313. + ----, Sir James, 313. + Smyrk, Mr. Peter, 116. + Snaps, Mr. story respecting, 210. + Some particulars concerning a Lion, 515. + Songs, for the private theatre or drawing-room, 92; + of the Anti Dry-rot Company, 94; + of the Cover, 402; + songs of the month, No. I. 1; + No. II. 105; + No. III. 217; + No. IV 325; + No. V. 429; + No. VI. 533. + Sonnet to a Fog, 371. + Sorrows of Life, lines on the, 290. + Sowerberry, Mrs. character of, 229; + dislike of Oliver Twist, 335. + ----, Mr. description of, 225; + takes Oliver Twist as an apprentice, 227; + his conversation respecting him, 328; + character of, 433. + Spectre of Tappington, story of the, 191. + Spencer, Charles, Earl of Sunderland, + remarks respecting him, 363 _n._ + Spriggings, Miss Priscilla, 572. + Steam Trip to Hamburgh, 509. + "Stories of Waterloo," pieces by the author of, 33, 251. + Stray Chapters, No. I. 291; + No. II. 515. + Summer Night's Reverie, a poem, 428. + Sunderland, Earl of, see _Spencer, Charles_. + Swift, Dean, anecdote of, 2. + + T. + "Tales of an Antiquary," pieces by the author of, 121. + Tappington Everard, description of the Manor House of, 192. + Terence O'Shaughnessy, account of his first attempt + to get married, 33. + The Abbess and the Duchess, a poem, 153. + The Abbey House, 187. + Theatrical Advertisement Extraordinary, 152. + "The Bee-Hive," pieces by the author of, 286, 442. + "The Old Sailor," pieces by, 269, 474. + The Spectre, a poem, 131. + The Two Butlers, 306. + Time, Reckoning with, a poem by Colman the Younger, 12. + Timmins, Mr. his description of the Wide-awake Club, 209. + Tom ----, story respecting, 306. + Tomnoddy, Lord, 561. + Travelling, remarks on, 561. + Tulrumble, Mr. N. account of the public life of, 49. + ----, Mrs. 51, 52. + Twigger, Edward, 53. + + U. + Useful Young Man, a poem, 485. + + V. + Victoria, Princess, ode on her birth-day, 620. + Visit to the Madrigal Society, 465. + Visits, an Evening of, 80. + + W. + Wade, J. A. pieces by, 186, 492. + Warwick, Countess of, notice of her marriage with Addison, 362 n. + Webbe, Egerton, paper by, 371. + Wharton, Duke of, anecdote of, 357 n. + ----, Thomas, Earl of Wharton, lord lieutenant of Ireland, + remarks respecting, 356 n. + Whitehead, C. pieces by, 155, 461. + Who are you? a song, 88. + Who milked by cow? paper so called, 65. + Wide-awake Club, character of the, 208. + Whitbread, Mr. his respect for Mr. Perceval, 583. + + Y. + Youth's New Vade Mecum, a poem, 462. + + Z. + "Zohrab," papers by the author of, 280, 364, 487. + + + END OF THE FIRST VOLUME. + London: Printed by Samuel Bentley, Dorset-street, Fleet-street. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Bentley's Miscellany, Volume I, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44578 *** |