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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Points of Humour, Part 1 (of 2), by Anonymous
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Points of Humour, Part 1 (of 2)
+
+Author: Anonymous
+
+Illustrator: George Cruikshank
+
+Release Date: January 3, 2014 [EBook #44571]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK POINTS OF HUMOUR, PART 1 (OF 2) ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Douglas L. Alley, III, Chris Curnow and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+(This file was produced from images generously made
+available by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+̅
+
+
+
+                                 POINTS
+
+                                   OF
+
+                                HUMOUR.
+
+                             ILLUSTRATED BY
+
+                         =A Series of Plates=,
+
+                   FROM DESIGNS BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.
+
+
+              TEN ENGRAVINGS ON COPPER. TWELVE WOOD CUTS.
+
+
+                   "_Let me play the fool:
+            With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come;
+            And let my liver rather heat with wine,
+            Than my heart cool with mortifying groans.
+            Why should a man, whose blood is warm within,
+            Sit like his grandsire, cut in alabaster?
+            Sleep when he wakes? and creep into the jaundice
+            By being peevish?_"
+
+                              SHAKSPEARE.
+
+
+                                PART I.
+
+                              PRICE 8_s._
+
+
+                                LONDON:
+
+                PUBLISHED BY J. ROBINS AND CO. IVY LANE,
+                            PATERNOSTER ROW.
+
+
+
+
+                                 POINTS
+
+                                   OF
+
+                                HUMOUR;
+
+                             =Illustrated=
+
+                                 BY THE
+
+                     DESIGNS OF GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.
+
+
+                                LONDON:
+
+                PUBLISHED BY C. BALDWYN, NEWGATE STREET.
+
+
+                                 1823.
+
+
+
+
+                                LONDON:
+
+              Printed by D. S. Maurice, Fenchurch Street.
+
+
+
+
+                                PREFACE.
+
+
+It will be readily perceived that the literary part of this work is
+of humble pretensions. One object alone has been aimed at and it is
+hoped with success--to select or to invent those incidents which
+might be interesting or amusing in themselves, while they afforded
+scope for the peculiar talents of the artist who adorns them with his
+designs. The selection was more difficult than may at first sight
+be supposed. It is true, there is no paucity of subjects of wit and
+humour, but he who will take the trouble to examine them, will find
+how few are adapted for pictorial representation. No artist can
+embody a point of wit, and the humour of many of the most laughable
+stories would vanish at the touch of the pencil of the most ingenious
+designer in the world. Those ludicrous subjects only which are rich
+in the humour of _situation_ are calculated for graphic illustration.
+To prove the following anecdotes are not deficient in this respect,
+no other appeal is necessary than to the plates themselves. Look at
+the breadth of the humour, the point of the situation, the selection
+of the figures, the action, and its accompaniments, and deny (without
+a laugh on the face) that this portion of the work answers the end
+in view. In all this the writer or compiler, or whatever he may
+be called, claims little merit. That the whole effect is comic,
+that the persons are ludicrous, and engaged in laughable groups and
+surrounded with objects which tend to broaden the grin, all this, and
+a thousand times more, belongs to Mr. Cruikshank;--the writer only
+claims the merit of having suggested to him the materials.
+
+Some of the TEN POINTS, now submitted to the public, arise out of
+a reprint of that admirable piece of humour, the JOLLY BEGGARS
+of Burns;--A part of his works almost unknown to the public, in
+consequence of the scrupulousness of the poet's biographer and editor,
+who withheld them from the world. Lest we however should incur the
+charge, which Dr. Currie apprehended, we beg leave to prefix the
+observations on this subject by the first literary character in the
+kingdom, Sir Walter Scott, as they appeared in the _Quarterly Review_.
+
+"Yet applauding, as we do most highly applaud, the leading principles
+of Dr. Currie's selection, we are aware that they sometimes led
+him into fastidious and over-delicate rejection of the bard's most
+spirited and happy effusions. A thin octavo, published at Glasgow
+in 1801, under the title of 'Poems ascribed to Robert Burns, the
+Ayrshire bard,' furnishes valuable proofs of this assertion; it
+contains, among a good deal of rubbish, some of his most brilliant
+poetry. A cantata, in particular, called _The Jolly Beggars_, for
+humorous description and nice discrimination of character, is
+inferior to no poem of the same length in the whole range of English
+poetry. The scene, indeed, is laid in the very lowest department
+of low life, the actors being a set of strolling vagrants, met to
+carouse, and barter their rags and plunder for liquor in a hedge
+ale-house. Yet even in describing the movements of such a group, the
+native taste of the poet has never suffered his pen to slide into
+any thing coarse or disgusting. The extravagant glee and outrageous
+frolic of the beggars are ridiculously contrasted with their maimed
+limbs, rags, and crutches--the sordid and squalid circumstances of
+their appearance are judiciously thrown into the shade. Nor is the
+art of the poet less conspicuous in the individual figures, than
+in the general mass. The festive vagrants are distinguished from
+each other by personal appearance and character, as much as any
+fortuitous assembly in the higher orders of life. The group, it must
+be observed, is of Scottish character, and doubtless our northern
+brethren are more familiar with its varieties than we are; yet the
+distinctions are too well marked to escape even the southern. The
+most prominent persons are a maimed soldier and his female companion,
+a hackneyed follower of the camp, a stroller, late the consort of
+an highland ketterer, or sturdy beggar--'but weary fa' the waefu'
+woodie!'--Being now at liberty, she becomes an object of rivalry
+between a 'pigmy scraper with his fiddle' and a strolling tinker. The
+latter, a desperate bandit, like most of his profession, terrifies
+the musician out of the field, and is preferred by the damsel of
+course. A wandering ballad-singer, with a brace of doxies, is last
+introduced upon the stage. Each of these mendicants sings a song
+in character, and such a collection of humorous lyrics, connected
+by vivid poetical description, is not perhaps to be paralleled in
+the English language. The ditty chaunted by the Ballad Singer is
+certainly far superior to any thing in the _Beggar's Opera_, where
+alone we could expect to find its parallel.
+
+"We are at a loss to conceive any good reason why Dr. Currie did not
+introduce this singular and humorous cantata into his collection. It
+is true, that in one or two passages the muse has trespassed slightly
+upon decorum, where, in the language of Scottish song,
+
+          "High kilted was she,
+          "As she gaed owre the lea."
+
+"Something, however, is to be allowed to the nature of the subject,
+and something to the education of the poet: and if from veneration to
+the names of Swift and Dryden, we tolerate the grossness of the one,
+and the indelicacy of the other, the respect due to that of Burns,
+may surely claim indulgence for a few light strokes of broad humour.
+
+"Knowing that this, and hoping that other compositions of similar
+spirit and tenor, might yet be recovered, we were induced to think that
+some of them, at least, had found a place in the collection given to
+the public by Mr. Cromek. But he has neither risqued the censure, nor
+gained the applause, which might have belonged to such an undertaking."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+                                POINT I.
+
+                          THE POINT OF HONOUR.
+
+
+When the American army was at Valley Forge in the winter of 1777,
+a captain of the Virginian Line refused a challenge sent him by a
+brother officer, alleging that his life was devoted to the service of
+his country, and that he did not think it a point of duty to risk it
+to gratify the caprice of any man. This _point of duty_ gave occasion
+to a _point of humour_ which clearly displayed the brilliant _points_
+of the officer's character, and exposed the weak ones of his brothers
+in the service in a very _pointed_ manner. His antagonist gave him
+the character of a coward through the whole army. Conscious of not
+having merited the aspersion, and discovering the injury he should
+sustain in the minds of those unacquainted with him, he repaired one
+evening to a general meeting of the officers of that line. On his
+entrance, he was avoided by the company, and the officer who had
+challenged him, insolently ordered him to leave the room; a request
+which was loudly re-echoed from all parts. He refused, and asserted
+that he came there to vindicate his fame; and after mentioning the
+reasons which induced him not to accept the challenge, he applied a
+large hand grenade to the candle, and when the fuse had caught fire,
+threw it on the floor, saying, "Here, gentlemen, this will quickly
+determine which of us all dare brave danger most." At first they
+stared upon him for a moment in stupid astonishment, but their eyes
+soon fell upon the fuse of the grenade, which was fast burning down.
+Away scampered Colonel, General, Ensign, and Captain, and all made a
+rush at the door. "Devil take the hindmost." Some fell, and others
+made way over the bodies of their comrades; some succeeded in getting
+out, but for an instant there was a general heap of flesh sprawling
+at the entrance of the apartment. Here was a colonel jostling with a
+subaltern, and there fat generals pressing lean lieutenants into the
+boards, and blustering majors, and squeaking ensigns wrestling for
+exit; the size of one and the feebleness of the other making their
+chance of departure pretty equal, until time, which does all things
+at last, cleared the room and left the noble captain standing over
+the grenade with his arms folded, and his countenance expressing
+every kind of scorn and contempt for the train of scrambling red
+coats, as they toiled and bustled and bored their way out of the door.
+
+After the explosion had taken place, some of them ventured to return,
+to take a peep at the mangled remains of their comrade, whom however
+to their great surprise they found alive and uninjured.--When they
+were all gone, the captain threw himself flat on the floor as the
+only possible means of escape, and fortunately came off with a whole
+skin, and a repaired reputation.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+                               POINT II.
+
+                          THE SHORT COURTSHIP.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+As a gentleman was passing along one of the more retired streets of
+London late in the evening, he stumbled over the body of an old man,
+whom on examination he found in a state of excessive inebriation,
+and who had in consequence tumbled down and rolled into the kennel.
+He had not gone many yards farther when he found an old woman very
+nearly in the same circumstances. It immediately struck Mr. L. that
+this was some poor old couple, who, overcome with the fatigues of the
+day, had indulged too freely in some restorative beverage, whether
+Hodges' or Deady's the historian does not say. Full of this idea,
+and animated by his own charitable disposition, Mr. L. soon made
+arrangements for the reception of the poor couple into a neighbouring
+public house, where the landlord promised that the senseless pair
+should be undressed and placed in a warm and comfortable bed. To
+bed they were put. Mr. L. left them lying side by side, snoring
+in concert, and likely to pass together a more harmonious night
+than perhaps would have been the case had they possessed the full
+enjoyment of their senses. L. journeyed homewards filled with the
+satisfaction arising from the performance of a kind deed, and never
+reflected that there was a possibility of his having joined a pair
+whom the laws of God had not made one. The fact was, that the old man
+and the old woman were perfect strangers to each other, and their
+being found in a similar situation was purely accidental. In London,
+however extraordinary it may appear, many poor folks get drunk at
+night, especially Saturday night, and what is not less wonderful,
+they are in this state often unable to preserve their balance--the
+laws of gravity exert their influence, and the patient rolls into the
+kennel. Soundly--soundly did this late united pair sleep and snore
+till morning,--when the light broke in upon them and disclosed the
+secret.--Imagine the consternation of the old lady when the fumes
+of intoxication were dissipated, and she opened her eyes upon her
+snoring partner--where she was or how she had been put there she knew
+not. It was clear she was in bed with a man, and that was an event
+which had never happened to her before,--so she set up a scream, and
+roused the old gentleman, whose astonishment was not a jot less than
+the lady's. She sat upon end in bed staring at him, he moved himself
+into a similar situation and riveted his eyes upon her, and so they
+remained for a few instants both full of perfect wonderment;--at
+last it struck the poor lady that this was some monster of a man
+who had succeeded in some horrible design upon her honour; the idea
+in a moment gave her the look and manner of a fury, she flung out
+of bed and roared aloud to the admiration of all the inmates of the
+house, who attracted by her first scream were already peeping in at
+the door of the room,--"make me an honest woman, thou wretch," she
+cried--"villain that you are,--make an honest woman of me, or I'll
+be the death of thee;"--down she sat upon the bed-stocks, and as
+she attempted to dress herself she interlarded her occupation with
+calling for vengeance upon her horrible seducer, who sat trembling
+at the other side of the bed, vainly attempting in his fright to
+insinuate his legs into his old tattered breeches. The landlord at
+last interfered with the authority of his station, and on inquiry
+found that no breach had been made which could not be easily
+repaired. The old gentleman was asked if he had any objection to
+take his fair bedfellow for a helpmate during the remainder of his
+life; he stammered out his acquiescence as well as he could, and the
+enraged virgin consented to smooth down her anger on satisfaction
+being made to her injured honour. The bargain was soon struck,
+the happy pair were bundled off to church, amidst the laughing
+shouts of the mob, where a parson waited to make good the match too
+precipitately formed by our charitable friend.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+                               POINT III.
+
+                               YES OR NO?
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Frederick the Great, King of Prussia, was so remarkably fond of
+children, that he suffered the sons of the Prince Royal to enter
+his apartment whenever they thought proper. One day, while he was
+writing in his closet, the eldest of these princes was playing at
+shuttlecock near him. The shuttlecock happened to fall upon the table
+at which the King sat, who threw it at the young prince and continued
+to write. The shuttlecock falling on the table a second time, the
+King threw it back, looking sternly at the child, who promised
+that no accident of the kind should happen again; the shuttlecock
+however fell a third time and even upon the paper on which the king
+was writing. Frederick then took the shuttlecock and put it in his
+pocket: the little prince humbly asked pardon and begged the King to
+return him his shuttlecock. His Majesty refused: the prince redoubled
+his entreaties, but no attention was paid to them; the young prince
+at length being tired of begging, advanced boldly towards the King,
+put his two hands on his side, and tossing back his little head
+with great haughtiness, said in a threatening tone, "Will your
+Majesty give me my shuttlecock, Yes or No?" The King burst into a fit
+of laughter, and taking the shuttlecock out of his pocket, returned
+it to the prince saying, "you are a brave boy, _you_ will never
+suffer Silesia to be taken from you."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+                               POINT IV.
+
+                          EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY.
+
+
+Near Taunton, in Somersetshire, lived a sturdy fellow, by trade a
+miller, who possessed a handsome and buxom young woman for his wife.
+The said dame was many years the junior of her spouse, and thought
+that the neighbouring village contained not a few more agreeable
+companions, than the one whom Heaven had given her for life. Of this
+circumstance the miller had some suspicions, and determined to set
+them at rest one way or the other. Accordingly, one day he pretended
+to set off to buy corn, and told his wife that he should not be at
+home that night. The miller departed, and when the shades of evening
+afforded some concealment, in glided, to supply his place at bed and
+board, a neighbouring country squire.
+
+As the village clock struck one that night, and as the loving pair
+were wrapped in sleep, a loud knocking was heard at the door.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The miller had unexpectedly returned home, and the unfortunate couple
+within were reduced to despair. The wit of the female was however
+equal to the emergency; the gentleman's clothes were pushed under
+her own, and his person was conducted into the kitchen, by the frail
+fair one, and there enclosed in a singular place of security. The
+tall house clock, which always forms a part of the furniture of the
+"parlour, kitchen, and all," of men of our miller's rank, was at
+that time out of order, and the works had, on the very morning in
+question, been conveyed to Taunton, to undergo a thorough repair.
+It immediately struck the damsel that her lover could abide in no
+safer place than this, until her husband was asleep, and she could
+return and let him out. Now the country squire was a tall and a
+stout man, with a jolly rubicund physiognomy. He consequently
+enclosed himself in the clock-case with some difficulty, and when
+the good woman locked the door of it, as the only way of keeping it
+shut, it gave him a nip in the paunch, which would have extorted a
+cry under any other circumstances. As it was, the tightness below
+threw all the blood into his countenance, which, for such was his
+height, overtopped the wood work of the case, and appeared exactly
+at the spot where the clock usually shewed the hour. So that, had a
+light been held up to it, this portentous face would have borne the
+appearance of a dark red moon scowling out of fog and vapours upon
+a stormy night. This despatched, the dame commenced her own part
+with confidence. She gaped and yawned, and only admitted the miller
+till he had cursed and sworn his wife into a conviction, that he was
+her lawful husband, and no deceiver who had mimicked his voice and
+manner for his own wicked purposes. Much to the dismay of the parties
+already in possession of the house, the miller insisted upon striking
+a light, which at length obtaining, he drove his wife before him up
+to the bed-room, and then slily and under pretence of something else,
+examined the apartment; and concluded with a thorough conviction of
+the groundlessness of his suspicions. The wife, overjoyed at getting
+the candle out of the kitchen without discovery, was in high good
+humour, so that the miller became in excellent spirits too, both on
+account of his agreeable reception and the dispersion of his fears,
+and as a proof of his state of mind gave his wife a hearty kiss, and
+swore that they would go down and have a cozy bit of supper together
+before they went to bed. In vain the poor woman resisted, the slice
+of bacon must be broiled and the eggs poached. With trembling hand
+she bore the light into the kitchen, and durst not cast a glance upon
+the clock case where the prisoner, full of horror at the return of
+the candle, and reduced to a state of insufferable impatience by his
+miserable plight, uttered a deep low groan of despair as they entered
+the apartment. Fortunately it was not loud enough to attract the
+miller's attention, but thrilled through the heart of his unfortunate
+spouse. The happy pair soon began their culinary operations, the
+male with a light heart and a hungry appetite, the female sick and
+trembling at the disclosure which she feared was inevitable. All
+she could do, she did. She tried to keep up a conversation, she
+shaded the light, and she spread rasher after rasher before the
+all-devouring miller, who seemed as if intent to display his prowess
+before his rival, who was most ruefully and intently gazing upon him
+from his window of observation. By the lady's artful management, the
+miller sat with only a side view of the clock, and allowed a few
+sympathizing glances to be interchanged between the unhappy squire
+and his love, as she spread the tempting meal before her liege lord.
+Doubtless they both thought the miller's appetite was enormous, and
+in the calculation of either of them, he had already eat a side of
+bacon, when he declared he had done. _Now for good luck!_ inwardly
+exclaimed the dame, _fortune befriend me, and let me get him up
+stairs without casting a look upon that poor deplorable face_; which
+by the bye had lately been assuming all hues, and within the last two
+minutes had turned from a blue red to deadly pale, and back again to
+red black; and slight twitches and convulsive motions were observed
+in the muscles of his face, as if the poor unfortunate owner of
+them was tormented by some body below, who alternately pricked and
+pinched him. Oh, what a weight was taken off the heart of the frail
+fair one, and how fervently did she offer up vows of chastity in the
+gratitude of the moment, when the miller, having eat and drank his
+fill, made a motion for the bed room. Gladly was she attending him,
+when, as ill luck would have it, a _loud sneeze_ was heard in the
+room, which was followed by an equally loud scream from the lady of
+the miller, who now gave all up for lost. It seemed that the dust
+of the clock-case had been disturbed by the body of the squire, and
+part of it being dislodged, had sought refuge in the intricacies
+of his nostrils. Hence the wincings and writhings, which, over and
+above being abominably nipped, produced the awful changes recorded
+above, and at length ended in a sneeze, which he could no longer
+restrain. This event had not the expected issue, for the dame in her
+fright threw down the candlestick, which she held in her hand, and
+extinguished the light. The good miller, now drowsy and stupid, chid
+her for being alarmed at the sneezing of a _cat_; and, not waiting
+for the poking out of a light from the dying embers, pushed his wife
+and himself off to bed, bestowing upon her, by the way, many of those
+endearing caresses, which husbands in a good humour lavish upon their
+wives; which caresses were certainly as indifferent to her, as they
+were doubtless disagreeable to her friend in the clock. Release was
+not so soon at hand as the parties sanguinely expected, for though
+the miller slept, he took as secure a hold of his faithful dame,
+as if he had really been aware of the gaol-delivery she intended
+to accomplish. To her last resource, therefore, she was compelled
+to fly, for the morning was fast coming on. The miller's sleep was
+broken by the loud cries of his wife, who declared she was so ill,
+she was sure she should die. She yelled and screamed till the poor
+man in despair knew not what to do, and could only cry out _What can
+I get you, What can I get you?_ Now the wily dame well knew that
+_that_ would be the best for her complaint which was not in the
+house, so she vociferated _Brandy, brandy, Oh for some brandy._ The
+poor husband scrambled up some clothes, and set off for the nearest
+public house for some brandy, which was nearly a mile from his abode.
+Arriving there, he knocked up the landlord, who administered the
+medicine to him. To pay for which, the distressed husband put his
+hand in his breeches' pocket, and much to his own surprise, pulled
+out a large bundle of bank notes, at which he stared in amazement;
+when the landlord cried out, Lord! _you have got Mr. Farrer's
+breeches on_. Buckskins, it seems, well known in the neighbourhood.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"_The Devil I have_," returned the miller, in a tone which came up
+like a groan, as he gazed upon his nether man. Quickly comprehending
+the secret of the exchange, he pocketed the notes, drank up the
+brandy for his own consolation, and went home, moralizing his pensive
+path, and gave the hypocritical culprit the soundest beating she ever
+had in her life. She, poor soul! who had been charitably employed in
+the meanwhile, in letting the bird out of his cage, was not prepared
+for this reception; nor did she understand it until the next morning,
+when the breeches were cried round the town by her malignant husband,
+who also with no pleasant expression of countenance, made a point of
+turning over his newly-acquired riches in her presence.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+                                POINT V.
+
+                           THE JOLLY BEGGARS;
+
+                                  OR,
+
+                      LOVE AND LIBERTY, A CANTATA.
+
+                            BY ROBERT BURNS.
+
+
+                              RECITATIVO.
+
+          When lyart leaves bestrow the yird,
+          Or wavering like the Bauckie-bird[1],
+              Bedim cauld Boreas' blast;
+          When hailstanes drive wi' bitter skyte,
+          And infant frosts begin to bite,
+              In hoary cranreuch drest;
+          Ae night at e'en a merry core
+              O' randie, gangrel bodies,
+          In Posie-Nansie's[2] held the splore[3],
+              To drink their orra duddies[4]:
+                Wi' quaffing, and laughing,
+                  They ranted an' they sang;
+                Wi' jumping, an' thumping,
+                  The vera girdle rang.
+
+          First, neist the fire, in auld red rags,
+          Ane sat, weel brac'd wi' mealy bags,
+              And knapsack a' in order;
+          His doxy lay within his arm,
+          Wi' _usquebae_ an' blankets warm,
+              She blinket on her sodger:
+          An' ay he gies the tozie drab
+              The tither skelpan kiss,
+          While she held up her greedy gab
+              Just like an aumous[5] dish:
+                Ilk smack still, did crack still,
+                  Just like a cadger's[6] whip;
+                Then staggering, an' swaggering,
+                  He roar'd this ditty up--
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+                                  AIR.
+
+                         _Tune_--SOLDIER'S JOY.
+
+
+                                   I.
+
+
+          I am a son of Mars, who have been in many wars,
+          And shew my cuts and scars wherever I come;
+          This here was for a wench, and that other in a trench,
+          When welcoming the French at the sound of the drum.
+
+                                        _Lal de daudle, &c._
+
+
+                                  II.
+
+          My prenticeship I past, where my leader breath'd his last,
+          When the bloody die was cast on the heights of Abram;
+          I served out my trade, when the gallant _game_ was play'd,
+          And the Moro low was laid at the sound of the drum.
+
+
+
+                                  III.
+
+          I lastly was with Curtis, among the floating batt'ries,
+          And there I left for witness, an arm and a limb;
+          Yet let my country need me, with Elliot to head me,
+          I'll clatter on my stumps at the sound of a drum.
+
+
+                                  IV.
+
+          And now tho' I must beg, with a wooden arm and leg,
+          And many a tatter'd rag hanging over my ----,
+          I'm as happy with my wallet, my bottle and my callet[7],
+          As when I us'd in scarlet to follow a drum.
+
+
+                                   V.
+
+          What tho' with hoary locks, I must stand the winter shocks,
+          Beneath the woods and rocks oftentimes for a home,
+          When the tother bag I sell, and the tother bottle tell,
+          I could meet a troop of hell at the sound of a drum.
+
+
+                              RECITATIVO.
+
+          He ended; and the kebars[8] sheuk
+            Aboon the chorus roar;
+          While frighted rattons backward leuk,
+            An' seek the benmost bore[9];
+          A Merry Andrew i' the neuk,
+            He skirl'd out, _encore!_
+          But up arose the martial chuck,
+            An' laid the loud uproar.
+
+
+
+                                  AIR.
+
+                         _Tune_--SODGER LADDIE.
+
+
+                                   I.
+
+          I once was a maid, tho' I cannot tell when,
+          And still my delight is in proper young men:
+          Some one of a troop of dragoons was my daddie,
+          No wonder I'm fond of a _sodger laddie_.
+                                        Sing, _Lal de lal_, &c.
+
+
+                                  II.
+
+          The first of my loves was a swaggering blade,
+          To rattle the thundering drum was his trade;
+          His leg was so tight and his cheek was so ruddy,
+          Transported was I with my _sodger laddie_.
+
+
+                                  III.
+
+          But the godly old chaplain left him in the lurch,
+          The sword I forsook for the sake of the church;
+          He ventur'd the soul, and I risked the body,
+          'Twas then I prov'd false to my _sodger laddie_.
+
+
+                                  IV.
+
+          Full soon I grew sick of my sanctified sot,
+          The regiment at large for a husband I got;
+          From the gilded spontoon to the fife I was ready,
+          I asked no more but a _sodger laddie_.
+
+
+                                   V.
+
+          But the _peace_ it reduc'd me to beg in despair,
+          Till I met my old boy at a _Cunningham_ fair;
+          His rags regimental they flutter'd so gaudy,
+          My heart it rejoic'd at my _sodger laddie_.
+
+
+                                  VI.
+
+          And now I have lived--I know not how long,
+          And still I can join in a cup and a song:
+          But whilst with both hands I can hold the glass steady,
+          Here's to thee, my hero, my _sodger laddie_.
+                                        Sing, _Lal de dal_, &c.
+
+
+                              RECITATIVO.
+
+          Poor Merry Andrew in the neuk
+            Sat guzzling wi' a tinkler hizzie;
+          They mind't na wha the chorus teuk,
+            Between themsels they were sae busy.
+          At length wi' drink and courting dizzy,
+            He stoiter'd up an' made a face;
+          Then turn'd an' laid a smack on Grizzy,
+            Syne tun'd his pipes wi' grave grimace.
+
+
+                                  AIR.
+
+                        _Tune_--AULD SIR SIMON.
+
+          Sir Wisdom's a fool when he's fou,
+            Sir Knave is a fool in a session;
+          He's there but a prentice, I trow,
+            But I am a fool by profession.
+
+          My Grannie she bought me a beuk,
+            An' I held awa to the school;
+          I fear I my talent misteuk,
+            But what will ye hae of a fool.
+
+          For drink I would venture my neck;
+            A hizzie's the half of my craft;
+          But what could ye other expect
+            Of ane that's avowedly daft.
+
+          I ance was ty'd up like a stirk,
+            For civilly swearing and quaffing;
+          I ance was abus'd i' the Kirk,
+            For towzing a lass i' my daffin.
+
+          Poor Andrew that tumbles for sport,
+            Let naebody name wi' a jeer;
+          There's ev'n, I'm tauld, i' the court,
+            A _Tumbler_ ca'd the _Premier_.
+
+          Observ'd ye yon reverend lad
+            Mak faces to tickle the mob;
+          He rails at our mountebank squad,
+            It's _rivalship_ just i' the job.
+
+          And now my conclusion I'll tell,
+            For faith I'm confoundedly dry,
+          The chiel that's a fool for himsel,
+            Guid Lord, he's far dafter than I.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[1] The bat.
+
+[2] A whiskey house.
+
+[3] Frolic.
+
+[4] Superfluous rags.
+
+[5] A plate for receiving alms.
+
+[6] A man who travels the country, with his wares on the back of a
+horse or ass.
+
+[7] Wench.
+
+[8] Rafters.
+
+[9] Deepest recess.
+
+
+
+
+                               POINT VI.
+
+
+                              RECITATIVO.
+
+          Then neist outspak a raucle carlin[10],
+          Wha kent fu' weel to cleek the sterlin';
+          For mony a pursie she had hooked,
+          An' had in mony a well been douked:
+          Her Love had been a _Highland laddie_,
+          But weary fa' the waefu' woodie[11]!
+          Wi' sighs and sobs she thus began,
+          To wail her braw _John Highlandman_.
+
+
+                                  AIR.
+
+                  _Tune_--O AN YE WERE DEAD, GUDEMAN.
+
+
+                                   I.
+
+          A highland lad my love was born,
+          The Lalland laws he held in scorn;
+          But he still was faithfu' to his clan,
+          My gallant, braw _John Highlandman_!
+
+                                CHORUS.
+
+          _Sing hey my braw John Highlandman!
+          Sing ho my braw John Highlandman!
+          There's not a lad in a' the lan'
+          Was match for my John Highlandman!_
+
+
+
+                                  II.
+
+          With his philibeg an' tartan plaid,
+          An' guid claymore down by his side,
+          The ladies' hearts he did trepan,
+          My gallant, braw _John Highlandman_.
+                                          _Sing, hey,_ &c.
+
+
+                                  III.
+
+          We ranged a' from Tweed to Spey,
+          An' liv'd like lords an' ladies gay;
+          For a lalland face he feared none,
+          My gallant, braw _John Highlandman_.
+                                          _Sing, hey,_ &c.
+
+
+                                  IV.
+
+          They banish'd him beyond the sea,
+          But ere the bud was on the tree,
+          Adown my cheeks the pearls ran,
+          Embracing my _John Highlandman_.
+                                          _Sing, hey,_ &c.
+
+
+                                   V.
+
+          But och! they catch'd him at the last,
+          And bound him in a dungeon fast;
+          My curse upon them every one,
+          They've hang'd my braw _John Highlandman_.
+                                          _Sing, hey,_ &c.
+
+
+                                  VI.
+
+          And now a widow I must mourn,
+          Departed joys that ne'er return;
+          No comfort but a hearty can,
+          When I think on _John Highlandman_.
+                                          _Sing, hey,_ &c.
+
+
+                              RECITATIVO.
+
+          A pigmy scraper wi' his fiddle,
+          Wha us'd to trystes and fairs to driddle.
+          Her strappen limb an' gausy middle,
+                            (He reach'd na higher,)
+          Had hol'd his heartie like a riddle,
+                            An' blawn't on fire.
+
+          W' hand on hainch, an' upward e'e,
+          He croon'd his gamut, _one_, _two_, _three_,
+          Then in an arioso key,
+                            The wee Apollo
+          Set off wi' _allegretto_ glee
+                            His _giga solo_.
+
+
+                                  AIR.
+
+                   _Tune_--WHISTLE OWRE THE LAVE O'T.
+
+          Let me ryke up to dight that tear,
+          An' go wi' me an' be my _dear_;
+          An' then your every _care_ and _fear_
+              May whistle owre the lave o't.
+
+                                CHORUS.
+
+              _I am a fidler to my trade,_
+              _An' a' the tunes that e'er I play'd,_
+              _The sweetest still to wife or maid,_
+                  _Was, whistle owre the lave o't._
+
+          At kirns an' weddins we'se be there,
+          An' O sae nicely's we will fare!
+          We'll bowse about till Dadie Care
+              Sing whistle owre the lave o't.
+                                          _I am_, &c.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+          Sae merrily's the banes we'll pyke,
+          An' sun oursells about the dyke;
+          An' at our leisure when ye like
+              We'll--whistle owre the lave o't.
+                                          _I am_, &c.
+
+          But bless me wi' your heav'n o' charms,
+          And while I kittle[12] hair on thairms,
+          Hunger, cauld, an' a' sic harms
+              May whistle owre the lave o't.
+                                          _I am_, &c.
+
+
+                              RECITATIVO.
+
+          Her charms had struck a sturdy _Caird_[13],
+            As weel as poor _Gutscraper_;
+          He taks the fiddler by the beard,
+            An' draws a roosty rapier--
+          He swoor by a' was swearing worth,
+            To speet him like a pliver,
+          Unless he would from that time forth
+            Relinquish her for ever:
+
+          Wi' ghastly e'e, poor _tweedle-dee_,
+            Upon his hunkers[14] bended,
+          An' pray'd for grace wi' ruefu' face,
+            An' so the quarrel ended;
+          But tho' his little heart did grieve,
+            When round the _tinker_ prest her,
+          He feign'd to snirtle in his sleeve,
+            When thus the _Caird_ address'd her
+
+
+
+                                  AIR.
+
+                       _Tune_--CLOUT THE CAUDRON.
+
+
+                                   I.
+
+          My bonie lass I work in brass,
+            A tinkler is my station;
+          I've travell'd round all Christian ground
+            In this my occupation;
+          I've ta'en the gold, I've been enroll'd
+            In many a noble squadron;
+          But vain they search'd, when off I march'd
+            To go an' clout the caudron.
+                            _I've ta'en the gold,_ &c.
+
+
+                                  II.
+
+          Despise that shrimp, that wither'd imp,
+            With a' his noise an' caprin;
+          An' take a share with those that bear
+            The budget an' the apron!
+          An' by that stowp, my faith an' houpe,
+            An' by that dear Kilbaigie[15]!
+          If e'er ye want, or meet with scant,
+            May I ne'er weet my craigie.
+                            _An' by that stowp_, &c.
+
+
+                              RECITATIVO.
+
+          The Caird prevail'd--th' unblushing fair
+            In his embraces sunk;
+          Partly wi' love o'ercome sa sair,
+            An' partly she was drunk:
+          _Sir Violino_, with an air,
+            That show'd a man o' spunk,
+          Wish'd unison between the pair,
+            An' made the bottle clunk
+                        To their health that night.
+
+          But hurchin Cupid shot a shaft,
+            That play'd a dame a shavie--
+          A sailor rak'd her fore and aft,
+            Behind the chicken cavie.
+          Her lord a wight o' Homer's craft,
+            Tho' limpan wi' the spavie,
+          He hirpl'd up an' lap like daft,
+            An _shor'd_[16] them _Dainty Davie_
+                          O'boot that night.
+
+          He was a care-defying blade,
+            As ever Bacchus listed!
+          Tho' fortune sair upon him laid,
+            His heart, she ever miss'd it:
+          He had no wish but--to be glad,
+            Nor want but--when he thirsted;
+          He hated nought but--to be sad,
+            An' thus the Muse suggested
+                          His sang that night.
+
+
+                                  AIR.
+
+                   _Tune_--FOR A' THAT, AN' A' THAT.
+
+
+                                   I.
+
+          I am a bard of no regard
+            Wi' gentle-folks, an' a' that;
+          But Homer-like, the glowran byke[17],
+            Frae town to town I draw that.
+
+                                CHORUS.
+
+          _For a' that, an' a' that,_
+            _An' twice as muckle's a' that,_
+          _I've lost but ane, I've twa behin',_
+            _I've_ wife eneugh _for a' that._
+
+
+
+                                  II.
+
+          I never drank the Muses' _tank_,
+            Castalia's burn an' a' that;
+          But there it streams, an' richly reams
+            My _Helicon_ I ca' that.
+                              _For a' that,_ &c.
+
+
+                                  III.
+
+          Great love I bear to all the Fair,
+            Their humble slave, an' a' that;
+          But lordly Will, I hold it still
+            A mortal sin to thraw that.
+                              _For a' that,_ &c.
+
+
+                                  IV.
+
+          In raptures sweet, this hour we meet,
+            Wi' mutual love an' a' that;
+          But for how lang the flie may stang,
+            Let Inclination law that.
+                              _For a' that,_ &c.
+
+
+                                   V.
+
+          Their tricks an' craft hae put me daft,
+            They've ta'en me in, an' a' that;
+          But clear your decks, an' here's _the Sex_!
+            I like the jads for a' that.
+
+          _For a' that, an a' that,_
+            _An' twice as muckle's a' that,_
+          _My dearest bluid, to do them guid,_
+            _They're welcome till't for a' that._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[10] A sturdy raw-boned dame.
+
+[11] The gallows.
+
+[12] While I rub a horse-hair bow upon cat-gut.
+
+[13] Tinker.
+
+[14] Haunches.
+
+[15] A well known kind of whiskey.
+
+[16] Promised.
+
+[17] The multitude.
+
+
+
+
+                               POINT VII.
+
+
+                              RECITATIVO.
+
+          So sung the _Bard_--and Nansie's waws
+            Shook wi' a thunder of applause
+          Re-echo'd from each mouth!
+            They toom'd[18] their pokes, they pawn'd their duds[19],
+          They scarcely left to coor their fuds,
+            To quench their lowan drouth.
+
+          Then owre again, the jovial thrang,
+            The poet did request,
+          To lowse his pack an' wale a sang,
+            A ballad o' the best.
+                  He, rising, rejoicing,
+                    Between his _twa Debōrahs_,
+                  Looks round him, an' found them
+                    Impatient for the chorus.
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[18] Opened.
+
+[19] Rags.
+
+
+
+
+                              POINT VIII.
+
+
+                                  AIR.
+
+               _Tune_--JOLLY MORTALS, FILL YOUR GLASSES.
+
+
+                                   I.
+
+          See! the smoking bowl before us,
+            Mark our jovial, ragged ring!
+          Round and round take up the chorus,
+            And in raptures let us sing--
+              _A fig for those by law protected,_
+                Liberty's _a glorious feast!_
+              _Courts for cowards were erected,_
+                _Churches built to please the priest._
+
+
+                                  II.
+
+          What is title, what is treasure,
+            What is reputation's care?
+          If we lead a life of pleasure,
+            'Tis no matter how or where.
+                                      _A fig_, &c.
+
+
+                                  III.
+
+          With the ready trick and fable,
+            Round we wander all the day;
+          And at night, in barn or stable,
+            Hug our doxies on the hay.
+                                      _A fig_, &c.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+                                  IV.
+
+          Does the train-attended carriage
+            Thro' the country lighter rove?
+          Does the sober bed of marriage
+            Witness brighter scenes of love?
+                                      _A fig_, &c.
+
+
+                                   V.
+
+          Life is all a _variorum_,
+            We regard not how it goes;
+          Let them cant about decorum
+            Who have character to lose.
+                                      _A fig_, &c.
+
+
+                                  VI.
+
+          Here's to _budgets_, _bags_, and _wallets_!
+            Here's to all the wandering train!
+          Here's _our ragged brats and callets_!
+            One and all cry out, _Amen!_
+
+              _A fig for those by law protected,_
+                Liberty's _a glorious feast!_
+              _Courts for cowards were erected,_
+                _Churches built to please the priest._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+                               POINT IX.
+
+                      THE DOWNFALL OF HOLY CHURCH.
+
+
+In the year of 1460, Revel was governed by a General, whose name
+was John of Mengden; a worthy old man, who loved his glass of wine,
+and had the gout; for wine and the gout are sister's children. It
+was his custom to ride out occasionally on a black horse down to
+the shores of the Baltic, whence he continued his way to a convent
+of nuns consecrated to St. Bridget. This nunnery, which was called
+Marianthal, was situated about a mile from the town, and its ruins
+are inhabited by owls and ravens.
+
+On one of these excursions he was accompanied by the Lord Marshal,
+Gothard of Plettenberg.
+
+As they approached the convent wall, the Marshal's horse became
+suddenly restive. "Have you heard," said he, "the strange stories of
+the subterraneous passage, and that it winds in intricate mazes round
+the cloister?"----"No;" replied John of Mengden, "but I should like to
+hear them over a bottle; you shall relate them to me in the evening."
+"It may be done now, and in a few words," rejoined the other; "for we
+stand exactly before the subterraneous passage, or mouth of the cavern;
+but for fifty years, not a human foot has advanced beyond the bottom of
+the steps, there the torches are always blown out."
+
+The burgomaster of Revel, who was then with them, made a cross on
+his breast, and confirmed the statement. "Sometimes," continued
+Gothard, "are heard, during the night, the sounds of soft music,
+arising slowly and melodiously from the cave, like the sweet tones
+of musical glasses, with an accompaniment of the songs of angels.
+The holy sisters of the convent are frequent listeners to this
+divine harmony, though none of the words can be understood." "Let
+the venerable Lady Abbess come down to me," said the general, as he
+alighted from his horse, and placed his glove in his sword-belt. The
+Abbess now appeared, veiled. She modestly curtsied to the knight,
+and presented him with a cup of Spanish wine. The old General laid
+himself down on the grass, and asked the sainted lady if she could
+give him any information relative to the subterraneous passage? The
+Abbess replied in the affirmative, adding a number of particulars
+concerning what she and her pious sisters had seen,--and fancied they
+had seen--heard, and fancied they had heard.
+
+"So God and St. Vitus help me!" exclaimed the governor, "I will
+myself make an attempt to descend into the cavern; give me a lighted,
+consecrated torch."
+
+The burgomaster crossed himself all over. A cold shivering seized
+him; the only vault into which he had been accustomed to descend, was
+the town-cellar, which was haunted by none but _choice spirits_, with
+which he was familiar.
+
+The lady Abbess entreated the old man not to undertake so rash an
+enterprize; and assured him, that the spirits of former times,
+unlike those of the present day, would not allow themselves to be
+sported with. But in arguing with the brave old General, they talked
+to the wind which blew over the Baltic. The consecrated torches were
+brought, the corpulent General repeated an Ave-Maria, recommended
+himself to St. Vitus, his protecting Saint, and courageously entered
+the mysterious passage. The sound of his feet was still heard on the
+steps; his breathing was still audible, and the glimmer of his torch
+played on the damp walls. On a sudden all was silent, and the light
+disappeared. The listeners above were on the stretch of attention.
+Gothard was stationed on the upper step; the burgomaster a few paces
+further back; and behind him stood the Abbess, her rosary running
+through her fingers. They listened, but all was still! "Holloa there,
+John of Mengden!--how fare you?" thundered the voice of Gothard; yet
+all was still as the grave. The listeners were alarmed; they inclined
+their ears; they stood lightly on tip-toe; they restrained their
+breath--not a sound ascended. The cavern yawned before them, and all
+was silent below; "Holy St. Bridget! what can have happened? Let the
+priests be summoned, and mass be said, to appease the spirits!"
+
+The lady Abbess hastened to the convent, rang the chapel-bell, when
+all the pious sisterhood hurried from their cells, fell upon their
+bare knees, chastizing themselves, and praying to heaven for mercy
+towards the old General. The burgomaster threw himself upon his
+horse, and trotted back to the town to impart the terrible news to
+his wife, children and domestics. Gothard, who was a courageous
+knight, alone remained, absorbed in gloomy reflection, leaning
+against the wall, with his eyes fixed on the darkness beneath. Thus
+he continued during two hours. At last he thought he heard on the
+steps some one breathing and struggling.--"John of Mengden!" he
+vociferated--"are you alive, or dead?"--"I am alive!" replied the
+General, half breathless, as he stumbled up the steps. "Thanks to God
+and St. Bridget!--we have been in agony on your account. Where have
+you been? What have you heard or seen?" The General then related that
+he had quietly descended, with the consecrated taper in his hand;
+that his heart beat a little as he advanced; that a cold shiver had
+begun to seize him; but that he took courage, as his taper burnt
+always clear and bright: that at length he stood on the bottom step,
+and looked down an endless passage, doubtful whether, under the
+protection of St. Bridget, he should move forward or backward; that
+suddenly he was surrounded by a lukewarm breeze, mild and fragrant,
+as if wafted over a bed of flowers, which in a moment extinguished
+his taper, and so clouded his senses, that he sunk like a dead man
+on the steps, and then lay a considerable time in a sort of trance;
+that at last he awoke again, and it appeared to him as if he were
+gently moved by a warm hand, though he knew not where he was, nor
+what had happened to him; that he stretched out his hands, and felt
+nothing but the cold stone; but that, as a little daylight glimmered
+upon him from above, he composed his spirits, and began to creep
+with difficulty up the steps; that when on them he was perfectly
+recovered, feeling only a slight oppression in the head, similar to
+the effect of intoxication.
+
+"Well, brother," said he to the lord-marshal, "will not you also make
+the attempt, and try whether it will not succeed better with you."
+
+Gothard of Plettenberg demurred: notwithstanding he never feared,
+in former times, a knight of flesh and bone, as long as he was
+able to wield his sword; yet, with respect to ghosts, a very just
+exception was allowed; and a knight might tremble in the dark like an
+old woman, without any stain upon his honor, or impeachment of his
+valour. Now a days, the matter is quite altered, and a man may fear
+any thing but ghosts.
+
+"By my sword," said the governor, as he was returning home, "I will
+investigate the causes of this mystery. I must know from whose mouth
+proceeded the gentle breath, that smelt fragrant as the plants of
+the east, and yet had force enough to extinguish the flame of the
+consecrated taper, and even to confuse my head, as though I had been
+drunk."
+
+He instantly sent for Henry of Uxkull, bishop of Revel, and the Abbot
+of Pardis. Being arrived, they were entertained at a large oak table,
+and quaffed wine from the family goblet. They listened to the fearful
+story of their host, with their fat hands folded upon their huge
+bellies, and shook their heads with significant silence.
+
+Having well weighed the matter, knitted their brows and assumed an
+air of importance, they finally agreed _that they knew not what to
+think of it_. Each then waddled to his home and thought no more of
+the mysterious cavern.
+
+But it was not so with the General. He could not rest. His fancy was
+on the rack, to account for the mystery. On the next morning, he
+despatched letters to the Archbishop of Riga, to a learned canon,
+and two pious deans of the holy church of Riga--stating "that a
+surprising incident had obliged him to have recourse to their
+piety and wisdom, and entreating that they would be at Revel on St.
+Egidius's day, to discuss in christian humility this weighty affair."
+
+They came on the appointed day: for they were aware that the cellar
+of the Governor contained excellent wine, and that his was no niggard
+hospitality. The archbishop of Revel, and the Abbot of Pardis, were
+likewise invited to assist, who failed not at the proper hour to
+present themselves at the castle. An elegant repast had been prepared
+for them, bumpers went cheerily round to the prosperity of Holy
+Church, and to the perpetual bloom of the German order of religion.
+
+When their spiritual stomachs were sufficiently gorged, the General
+thus addressed them: "Reverend and pious fathers! thus and thus
+it happened to me and my friend here, Gothard of Plettenberg,"
+recounting his story--"What is to be done to liberate the spirits who
+wander and breathe in the subterraneous passage?"
+
+"They must be driven out by force," replied the archbishop of Riga,
+"and the power to do this was given to bishops from above."
+
+"A wisp of hay should be steeped in holy water," added the canon,
+"with which the steps of the dark passage should be sprinkled."
+
+One of the deans advised that "the little chest with the Egyptian
+hieroglyphics, which was kept as a relic in the convent of St.
+Bridget, should be taken to the cavern."
+
+The other dean was of opinion that the spirits should be allowed
+to continue without molestation so long as they only wandered and
+breathed.
+
+The archbishop of Revel was also of the same sentiment, but the
+Abbot of Pardis applauded this idea of the Egyptian hieroglyphics.
+
+Last of all, the old General proposed that they should immediately
+ride to the beach, and employ the arms of the church against the
+inhabitants of the subterraneous passage. The wine had imparted its
+spirit to the holy fathers; and they now felt courage to engage, if
+necessary, even with the fiends of hell.
+
+Within half an hour they were at the convent gate!
+
+Three times were the consecrated torches borne round by the
+archbishop, who, muttering between his teeth, dipped the wisp into a
+large ewer of holy water, and plentifully besprinkled all present.
+Thus spiritually armed, they silently and cautiously approached the
+entrance of the cavern. Here a question arose, "who should go down
+first?" Those who were at home were unwilling to rob the strangers
+of the honor of precedence. The deans drew back, as being merely
+subalterns in the church, out of respect to their bishop. The
+archbishop bowed to the right learned canon, and he bowed to the
+rest. The General became impatient, and forced the archbishop down
+the steps. The rest followed with beating hearts and tottering knees.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Each carried in his hand a consecrated taper; and with a rosary hanging
+at his elbow, sprinkled the walls with drops of holy water. The last
+of the procession was the Abbot of Pardis, who, grown unwieldy by the
+luxurious diet of the church, could scarcely drag his short puffed legs
+after his fat and bulky paunch. The steps too were not only small,
+but damp and slippery; whence it happened, that on the second step
+the Abbot lost his footing, and falling with his whole weight upon
+Henry of Uxkull, they both fell upon the last dean: all three on
+the first dean; all four on the canon; all five upon the archbishop of
+Riga; when the whole troop rolled helter skelter down the steps, and
+plumped to the bottom like so many sacks, there remaining senseless!
+The consecrated tapers were extinguished, and the venerable group were
+veiled by a sort of Egyptian darkness. The General, who remained above,
+heard the tremendous rumbling, to which succeeded a dead silence. For
+two hours he listened, called on each by name, and waited in vain for a
+reply. His voice alone was returned to him in a dull and hollow echo.
+The only sound which met his eager listening, was that of the terrified
+bat, flitting in the depths of the cavern; or, at intervals, the scream
+of the frightened owl.
+
+He was a man of uncommon courage, and he resolved to descend once
+more himself, to see what was become of his guests; but as a prelude
+to this perilous expedition, he determined to enliven his natural
+spirits by a draught of generous wine. As he vociferated--"a cup of
+wine," to the groom who held his horse, the word WINE reached the
+ears of the holy men--they disentangled themselves from each other,
+scrambled up, their foreheads bedewed with the sweat of terror, and
+when they had recovered themselves, they confessed unanimously _that
+they were not able to unravel the mystery_.
+
+Thus ended the second attempt to gain a more intimate acquaintance
+with the spirits of the subterraneous passage, and thenceforward no
+one was bold enough to tread the magic ground.
+
+
+
+
+                                POINT X.
+
+                         A VISIT WITHOUT FORM.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+When the Cardinal Bernis resided at Rome in the capacity of Ambassador
+from France, he bore the highest character for sanctity--yet the
+Cardinal was a man, though a churchman; and churchmen are sometimes not
+invulnerable to the shafts of love. A pair of speaking black eyes like
+those of the Princess B., have before now made sad havoc in the heart
+of the votary of celibacy. The lady was conscious of her own charms,
+but being married to the man she loved, instead of setting them off by
+certain little manœuvres which some ladies perfectly understand how
+to put in practice, she carefully avoided giving any encouragement to
+the Cardinal, whose constant attendance upon her began to give her
+some uneasiness. At length the Cardinal, finding that his visits,
+attentions, _cadeaux_, and fine speeches had no effect, determined upon
+seeking an opportunity of making the lady sensible of the excess of
+his passion. One morning the Princess, on returning from mass, in her
+haste to avoid a violent shower of rain, tripped as she was getting
+out of her carriage, and sprained her ancle. The Cardinal, who by his
+spies was informed of every step the Princess took, had attended at
+mass also; and as he was following the Princess, unobserved, he saw
+the accident and ran to her assistance, raised her into the carriage,
+and very humbly entreated her to allow him the honour of seeing her
+safe home. His Excellency was not to be refused consistently with
+etiquette, so the poor Princess was under the necessity of hearing all
+the pretty things the Ambassador had reserved for the occasion. All
+his protestations and entreaties proved fruitless, and the poor lady
+arrived at the palace almost exhausted with the alarm the conversation
+had caused her. She now endeavoured with all care to avoid receiving
+the Cardinal's visits, but the old gentleman's amorous plans were not
+to be thwarted.--He still found means of seeing her, and again attacked
+her with his vows and protestations, so that the lady, unable to bear
+it any longer, determined to inform the Prince, and related to him all
+the circumstances of the affair. The Prince was enraged, and threatened
+all kinds of vengeance against the lover; but however, when the first
+burst of passion had a little subsided, he said to her, "We are, my
+love, in a very aukward situation, for the Cardinal being Ambassador
+his person is sacred; besides we should have the whole consistory
+and his holiness at their head, thundering excommunication upon us.
+However, I will think of some scheme of cooling the passion of this
+holy gentleman." He accordingly suggested that she should write word
+to the Cardinal, that as her husband was going that evening to his
+Villa near Tivoli, to order some improvement to be made which would
+detain him the best part of next day, she had determined to admit a
+visit from him; but that in order to keep the matter a secret from
+the servants, she desired him to come at midnight; that she would
+fix a silken ladder at her room window which looked into the garden,
+whence he might easily ascend into the anti-room, where he would find
+the door open that led into her own room. The reader will naturally
+conceive the transports which this delicious billet excited in the
+worthy Cardinal. He danced, and leaped and capered about for joy, rang
+the bell, gave contradictory orders, and convinced his valet that
+he was mad. He had the sense however to direct a suit of his finest
+linen to be prepared, and to countermand the order for his carriage,
+for he bethought himself he had better go privately. How tedious did
+the hours, which intervened before the time of appointment, appear
+to our ardent lover, and when the clock struck eleven he could no
+longer wait. It was a good distance, he must be there in time, not a
+second too late; therefore off he set after taking some precautions
+against his sacred person being discovered. He arrives, panting with
+love and hope; the burning of Mongibello could scarcely exceed the
+conflagration within him. He gets to the garden-gate. One cannot think
+of every thing. The Princess in her flurry had forgotten to order the
+garden-gate to be left open. What was to be done? The wall was not
+high; but must his Eminence endanger his sacred person? Love, however,
+the sovereign ruler, who makes even cowards heroes, animated him. It
+was dreadfully dark; but luckily, in feeling for the height of the
+wall, the anxious lover found an aperture in it large enough to admit
+the foot: into this he stepped, gave a spring, and got to the top;
+and then slid down the other side, not however without losing his hat
+and cloak, which owing to the darkness of the night he could not find
+again, nor was he aware, for the same reason, how he was daubed with
+mortar and brick-dust. In this pickle, our Adonis made the best of his
+way to find the ladder, tumbling over orange-trees and rosebushes,
+to the manifest injury of his cassock, which began to hang about him
+in rags. At last he reached the ladder, seized hold of it, stopped,
+panted a while for breath, and then up he went. He had just got one leg
+through the window, when the two large folding doors of the apartment
+flew open, and fifteen or twenty servants with lighted torches in their
+hands presented themselves before him. The Prince, at their head,
+ran up to the window, and with all courtesy helped in the astonished
+Cardinal, and turning to the servants said, "Scoundrels! is it thus you
+pay respect to the sacred person of the Cardinal Bernis? Is it thus, by
+your negligence, that you compel his Eminence, when coming to my wife,
+to venture his precious life upon a slight ladder and force him through
+the window in this miserable plight?" Conceive the situation of the
+bald-pated, cloakless, and tattered Cardinal, as he stood ashamed and
+terrified before the jeering Prince and his twenty torchbearers. His
+trembling knees could scarcely support him, as, half dead with fright,
+shame, and disappointment, he sneaked out of the room, still lighted
+by the torches and bowed out by the Prince, who continued to apologize
+for the carelessness of his servants, much to the annoyance of the
+poor Cardinal, whose misery was heightened by one stroke more; for, as
+he was huddling off, he just caught the face of the Princess, peeping
+through the opening of a door with some friends, all almost convulsed
+with laughter.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+                                LONDON:
+              Printed by D. S. Maurice, Fenchurch Street.
+
+
+
+
+               =Works Illustrated by George Cruikshank.=
+
+                   PUBLISHED BY JAMES ROBINS AND CO.
+
+
+                        GERMAN POPULAR STORIES,
+
+  Collected by MM. GRIMM, from Oral Tradition. Fourth Edition, with 12
+                Etchings by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, price 7s.
+
+     'This Book ought to be in the possession of the man as a
+     curiosity, and of the child as an amusement.'--New Monthly
+     Magazine.
+
+
+               A SECOND VOLUME OF GERMAN POPULAR STORIES,
+
+              Illustrated by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, price 7s.
+
+     'Of the first volume of this entertaining publication we spoke
+     very favorably; and what with the German varieties in this
+     sequel of well known nursery tales, and the clever designs of
+     George Cruikshank, certain it is this volume the second deserves
+     almost equal praise.'--Literary Gazette.
+
+
+                           POINTS OF HUMOUR,
+
+Illustrated by a Series of Designs, by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, on Copper and
+Wood. Parts 1 and 2, Royal 8vo. price 8s.; coloured 12s. 6d.: and India
+                         proofs 12s. 6d. each.
+
+
+                          GREENWICH HOSPITAL,
+
+A Series of NAVAL SKETCHES, descriptive of the Life of a
+Man-of-War's-Man, by an OLD SAILOR. Printed in demy 4to. with Twelve
+characteristic Illustrations on Copper by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, coloured
+in Costume, in addition to numerous Engravings on Wood, price One
+Guinea, boards.
+
+     'In compliment to the inexhaustible talent and drollery of
+     George Cruikshank, we have put this article at the head of our
+     department of the Fine Arts; and it well deserves that grace.
+     Yet it must not be fancied that we mean to derogate from the
+     literary merits of the "Old Sailor," whose Smollet-like humour
+     and genuine nautical characteristics so often occupied that
+     portion of the Literary Gazette in which we endeavour to lighten
+     and enliven its graver pages. Indeed, these Tales (or the far
+     greater number of them) now so cleverly brought together,
+     were originally printed in our columns; where they obtained
+     so much popularity, as to lead to their being republished in
+     this collected form, with the addition of the artist's merry,
+     grotesque, and laughable designs.'--Literary Gazette.
+
+
+                      MORE MORNINGS AT BOW STREET,
+
+A New Series of the most humorous and entertaining Reports, by JOHN
+WIGHT, of the Morning Herald. With a Frontispiece and twenty-five
+Illustrations by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. 10s. 6d. A few copies are printed
+on India paper, price 15s.
+
+India and plain impressions of the Cuts may be had separately, price
+10s. 6d. and 6s.
+
+
+                          TALES OF IRISH LIFE,
+
+Illustrative of the Manners, Customs, and Condition of the People,
+collected during a residence of several years in various parts of
+Ireland, with Illustrations by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. In 2 vols, price 12s.
+
+     'There is much matter worthy of earnest national attention in
+     these fictions; while, at the same time, they are characteristic
+     and amusing'--Literary Gazette.
+
+     'The designs of George Cruikshank, in this work, are sufficient
+     to render any tales immortal.'--British Press.
+
+     'A hue of nature pervades them--an air of reality invests
+     them;--life, actual life, is stamped upon the incidents and upon
+     the characters.'--Dublin Morning Register.
+
+     'These volumes are calculated to do much good.'--Dublin and
+     London Magazine.
+
+     'We recommend the whole to the perusal of our readers, as highly
+     worthy of their attention.'--Critical Gazette.
+
+
+                            HANS OF ICELAND,
+
+A Tale, with four highly finished Etchings by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.
+Price 7s. 6d.
+
+          'Some say this monster was a witch,
+           Some say he was a devil.'--Dragon of Wantley.
+
+     'Really Hans of Iceland is altogether one of the best
+     productions of its class which we have seen. There is a power
+     about it resembling one of Fuseli's pictures, and Cruikshank's
+     designs are capital.'--Literary Gazette.
+
+
+                             THE HUMOURIST:
+
+A Chaste Collection of Entertaining Tales, Anecdotes, Epigrams, Witty
+Sayings, &c. Original and Selected. Embellished with Forty coloured
+Plates, Drawn and Engraved by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. In Four Volumes, 5s
+each.
+
+
+                            ECCENTRIC TALES,
+
+From the German of W. F. VON KOSEWITZ. Embellished with twenty
+coloured Illustrations by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, from Sketches by ALFRED
+CROWQUILL. Price 15s.
+
+
+            MEMOIRS OF THE LIFE AND WRITINGS OF LORD BYRON,
+
+by GEO. CLINTON, ESQ. with a Portrait and Forty illustrations, by
+GEO. CRUIKSHANK.
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Notes:
+
+
+Obvious punctuation and spelling errors have been fixed throughout.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Points of Humour, Part 1 (of 2), by Anonymous
+
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Points of Humour, Part 1 (of 2), by Anonymous
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Points of Humour, Part 1 (of 2)
+
+Author: Anonymous
+
+Illustrator: George Cruikshank
+
+Release Date: January 3, 2014 [EBook #44571]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK POINTS OF HUMOUR, PART 1 (OF 2) ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Douglas L. Alley, III, Chris Curnow and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+(This file was produced from images generously made
+available by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                                 POINTS
+
+                                   OF
+
+                                HUMOUR.
+
+                             ILLUSTRATED BY
+
+                         =A Series of Plates=,
+
+                   FROM DESIGNS BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.
+
+
+              TEN ENGRAVINGS ON COPPER. TWELVE WOOD CUTS.
+
+
+                   "_Let me play the fool:
+            With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come;
+            And let my liver rather heat with wine,
+            Than my heart cool with mortifying groans.
+            Why should a man, whose blood is warm within,
+            Sit like his grandsire, cut in alabaster?
+            Sleep when he wakes? and creep into the jaundice
+            By being peevish?_"
+
+                              SHAKSPEARE.
+
+
+                                PART I.
+
+                              PRICE 8_s._
+
+
+                                LONDON:
+
+                PUBLISHED BY J. ROBINS AND CO. IVY LANE,
+                            PATERNOSTER ROW.
+
+
+
+
+                                 POINTS
+
+                                   OF
+
+                                HUMOUR;
+
+                             =Illustrated=
+
+                                 BY THE
+
+                     DESIGNS OF GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.
+
+
+                                LONDON:
+
+                PUBLISHED BY C. BALDWYN, NEWGATE STREET.
+
+
+                                 1823.
+
+
+
+
+                                LONDON:
+
+              Printed by D. S. Maurice, Fenchurch Street.
+
+
+
+
+                                PREFACE.
+
+
+It will be readily perceived that the literary part of this work is
+of humble pretensions. One object alone has been aimed at and it is
+hoped with success--to select or to invent those incidents which
+might be interesting or amusing in themselves, while they afforded
+scope for the peculiar talents of the artist who adorns them with his
+designs. The selection was more difficult than may at first sight
+be supposed. It is true, there is no paucity of subjects of wit and
+humour, but he who will take the trouble to examine them, will find
+how few are adapted for pictorial representation. No artist can
+embody a point of wit, and the humour of many of the most laughable
+stories would vanish at the touch of the pencil of the most ingenious
+designer in the world. Those ludicrous subjects only which are rich
+in the humour of _situation_ are calculated for graphic illustration.
+To prove the following anecdotes are not deficient in this respect,
+no other appeal is necessary than to the plates themselves. Look at
+the breadth of the humour, the point of the situation, the selection
+of the figures, the action, and its accompaniments, and deny (without
+a laugh on the face) that this portion of the work answers the end
+in view. In all this the writer or compiler, or whatever he may
+be called, claims little merit. That the whole effect is comic,
+that the persons are ludicrous, and engaged in laughable groups and
+surrounded with objects which tend to broaden the grin, all this, and
+a thousand times more, belongs to Mr. Cruikshank;--the writer only
+claims the merit of having suggested to him the materials.
+
+Some of the TEN POINTS, now submitted to the public, arise out of
+a reprint of that admirable piece of humour, the JOLLY BEGGARS
+of Burns;--A part of his works almost unknown to the public, in
+consequence of the scrupulousness of the poet's biographer and editor,
+who withheld them from the world. Lest we however should incur the
+charge, which Dr. Currie apprehended, we beg leave to prefix the
+observations on this subject by the first literary character in the
+kingdom, Sir Walter Scott, as they appeared in the _Quarterly Review_.
+
+"Yet applauding, as we do most highly applaud, the leading principles
+of Dr. Currie's selection, we are aware that they sometimes led
+him into fastidious and over-delicate rejection of the bard's most
+spirited and happy effusions. A thin octavo, published at Glasgow
+in 1801, under the title of 'Poems ascribed to Robert Burns, the
+Ayrshire bard,' furnishes valuable proofs of this assertion; it
+contains, among a good deal of rubbish, some of his most brilliant
+poetry. A cantata, in particular, called _The Jolly Beggars_, for
+humorous description and nice discrimination of character, is
+inferior to no poem of the same length in the whole range of English
+poetry. The scene, indeed, is laid in the very lowest department
+of low life, the actors being a set of strolling vagrants, met to
+carouse, and barter their rags and plunder for liquor in a hedge
+ale-house. Yet even in describing the movements of such a group, the
+native taste of the poet has never suffered his pen to slide into
+any thing coarse or disgusting. The extravagant glee and outrageous
+frolic of the beggars are ridiculously contrasted with their maimed
+limbs, rags, and crutches--the sordid and squalid circumstances of
+their appearance are judiciously thrown into the shade. Nor is the
+art of the poet less conspicuous in the individual figures, than
+in the general mass. The festive vagrants are distinguished from
+each other by personal appearance and character, as much as any
+fortuitous assembly in the higher orders of life. The group, it must
+be observed, is of Scottish character, and doubtless our northern
+brethren are more familiar with its varieties than we are; yet the
+distinctions are too well marked to escape even the southern. The
+most prominent persons are a maimed soldier and his female companion,
+a hackneyed follower of the camp, a stroller, late the consort of
+an highland ketterer, or sturdy beggar--'but weary fa' the waefu'
+woodie!'--Being now at liberty, she becomes an object of rivalry
+between a 'pigmy scraper with his fiddle' and a strolling tinker. The
+latter, a desperate bandit, like most of his profession, terrifies
+the musician out of the field, and is preferred by the damsel of
+course. A wandering ballad-singer, with a brace of doxies, is last
+introduced upon the stage. Each of these mendicants sings a song
+in character, and such a collection of humorous lyrics, connected
+by vivid poetical description, is not perhaps to be paralleled in
+the English language. The ditty chaunted by the Ballad Singer is
+certainly far superior to any thing in the _Beggar's Opera_, where
+alone we could expect to find its parallel.
+
+"We are at a loss to conceive any good reason why Dr. Currie did not
+introduce this singular and humorous cantata into his collection. It
+is true, that in one or two passages the muse has trespassed slightly
+upon decorum, where, in the language of Scottish song,
+
+          "High kilted was she,
+          "As she gaed owre the lea."
+
+"Something, however, is to be allowed to the nature of the subject,
+and something to the education of the poet: and if from veneration to
+the names of Swift and Dryden, we tolerate the grossness of the one,
+and the indelicacy of the other, the respect due to that of Burns,
+may surely claim indulgence for a few light strokes of broad humour.
+
+"Knowing that this, and hoping that other compositions of similar
+spirit and tenor, might yet be recovered, we were induced to think that
+some of them, at least, had found a place in the collection given to
+the public by Mr. Cromek. But he has neither risqued the censure, nor
+gained the applause, which might have belonged to such an undertaking."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+                                POINT I.
+
+                          THE POINT OF HONOUR.
+
+
+When the American army was at Valley Forge in the winter of 1777,
+a captain of the Virginian Line refused a challenge sent him by a
+brother officer, alleging that his life was devoted to the service of
+his country, and that he did not think it a point of duty to risk it
+to gratify the caprice of any man. This _point of duty_ gave occasion
+to a _point of humour_ which clearly displayed the brilliant _points_
+of the officer's character, and exposed the weak ones of his brothers
+in the service in a very _pointed_ manner. His antagonist gave him
+the character of a coward through the whole army. Conscious of not
+having merited the aspersion, and discovering the injury he should
+sustain in the minds of those unacquainted with him, he repaired one
+evening to a general meeting of the officers of that line. On his
+entrance, he was avoided by the company, and the officer who had
+challenged him, insolently ordered him to leave the room; a request
+which was loudly re-echoed from all parts. He refused, and asserted
+that he came there to vindicate his fame; and after mentioning the
+reasons which induced him not to accept the challenge, he applied a
+large hand grenade to the candle, and when the fuse had caught fire,
+threw it on the floor, saying, "Here, gentlemen, this will quickly
+determine which of us all dare brave danger most." At first they
+stared upon him for a moment in stupid astonishment, but their eyes
+soon fell upon the fuse of the grenade, which was fast burning down.
+Away scampered Colonel, General, Ensign, and Captain, and all made a
+rush at the door. "Devil take the hindmost." Some fell, and others
+made way over the bodies of their comrades; some succeeded in getting
+out, but for an instant there was a general heap of flesh sprawling
+at the entrance of the apartment. Here was a colonel jostling with a
+subaltern, and there fat generals pressing lean lieutenants into the
+boards, and blustering majors, and squeaking ensigns wrestling for
+exit; the size of one and the feebleness of the other making their
+chance of departure pretty equal, until time, which does all things
+at last, cleared the room and left the noble captain standing over
+the grenade with his arms folded, and his countenance expressing
+every kind of scorn and contempt for the train of scrambling red
+coats, as they toiled and bustled and bored their way out of the door.
+
+After the explosion had taken place, some of them ventured to return,
+to take a peep at the mangled remains of their comrade, whom however
+to their great surprise they found alive and uninjured.--When they
+were all gone, the captain threw himself flat on the floor as the
+only possible means of escape, and fortunately came off with a whole
+skin, and a repaired reputation.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+                               POINT II.
+
+                          THE SHORT COURTSHIP.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+As a gentleman was passing along one of the more retired streets of
+London late in the evening, he stumbled over the body of an old man,
+whom on examination he found in a state of excessive inebriation,
+and who had in consequence tumbled down and rolled into the kennel.
+He had not gone many yards farther when he found an old woman very
+nearly in the same circumstances. It immediately struck Mr. L. that
+this was some poor old couple, who, overcome with the fatigues of the
+day, had indulged too freely in some restorative beverage, whether
+Hodges' or Deady's the historian does not say. Full of this idea,
+and animated by his own charitable disposition, Mr. L. soon made
+arrangements for the reception of the poor couple into a neighbouring
+public house, where the landlord promised that the senseless pair
+should be undressed and placed in a warm and comfortable bed. To
+bed they were put. Mr. L. left them lying side by side, snoring
+in concert, and likely to pass together a more harmonious night
+than perhaps would have been the case had they possessed the full
+enjoyment of their senses. L. journeyed homewards filled with the
+satisfaction arising from the performance of a kind deed, and never
+reflected that there was a possibility of his having joined a pair
+whom the laws of God had not made one. The fact was, that the old man
+and the old woman were perfect strangers to each other, and their
+being found in a similar situation was purely accidental. In London,
+however extraordinary it may appear, many poor folks get drunk at
+night, especially Saturday night, and what is not less wonderful,
+they are in this state often unable to preserve their balance--the
+laws of gravity exert their influence, and the patient rolls into the
+kennel. Soundly--soundly did this late united pair sleep and snore
+till morning,--when the light broke in upon them and disclosed the
+secret.--Imagine the consternation of the old lady when the fumes
+of intoxication were dissipated, and she opened her eyes upon her
+snoring partner--where she was or how she had been put there she knew
+not. It was clear she was in bed with a man, and that was an event
+which had never happened to her before,--so she set up a scream, and
+roused the old gentleman, whose astonishment was not a jot less than
+the lady's. She sat upon end in bed staring at him, he moved himself
+into a similar situation and riveted his eyes upon her, and so they
+remained for a few instants both full of perfect wonderment;--at
+last it struck the poor lady that this was some monster of a man
+who had succeeded in some horrible design upon her honour; the idea
+in a moment gave her the look and manner of a fury, she flung out
+of bed and roared aloud to the admiration of all the inmates of the
+house, who attracted by her first scream were already peeping in at
+the door of the room,--"make me an honest woman, thou wretch," she
+cried--"villain that you are,--make an honest woman of me, or I'll
+be the death of thee;"--down she sat upon the bed-stocks, and as
+she attempted to dress herself she interlarded her occupation with
+calling for vengeance upon her horrible seducer, who sat trembling
+at the other side of the bed, vainly attempting in his fright to
+insinuate his legs into his old tattered breeches. The landlord at
+last interfered with the authority of his station, and on inquiry
+found that no breach had been made which could not be easily
+repaired. The old gentleman was asked if he had any objection to
+take his fair bedfellow for a helpmate during the remainder of his
+life; he stammered out his acquiescence as well as he could, and the
+enraged virgin consented to smooth down her anger on satisfaction
+being made to her injured honour. The bargain was soon struck,
+the happy pair were bundled off to church, amidst the laughing
+shouts of the mob, where a parson waited to make good the match too
+precipitately formed by our charitable friend.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+                               POINT III.
+
+                               YES OR NO?
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Frederick the Great, King of Prussia, was so remarkably fond of
+children, that he suffered the sons of the Prince Royal to enter
+his apartment whenever they thought proper. One day, while he was
+writing in his closet, the eldest of these princes was playing at
+shuttlecock near him. The shuttlecock happened to fall upon the table
+at which the King sat, who threw it at the young prince and continued
+to write. The shuttlecock falling on the table a second time, the
+King threw it back, looking sternly at the child, who promised
+that no accident of the kind should happen again; the shuttlecock
+however fell a third time and even upon the paper on which the king
+was writing. Frederick then took the shuttlecock and put it in his
+pocket: the little prince humbly asked pardon and begged the King to
+return him his shuttlecock. His Majesty refused: the prince redoubled
+his entreaties, but no attention was paid to them; the young prince
+at length being tired of begging, advanced boldly towards the King,
+put his two hands on his side, and tossing back his little head
+with great haughtiness, said in a threatening tone, "Will your
+Majesty give me my shuttlecock, Yes or No?" The King burst into a fit
+of laughter, and taking the shuttlecock out of his pocket, returned
+it to the prince saying, "you are a brave boy, _you_ will never
+suffer Silesia to be taken from you."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+                               POINT IV.
+
+                          EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY.
+
+
+Near Taunton, in Somersetshire, lived a sturdy fellow, by trade a
+miller, who possessed a handsome and buxom young woman for his wife.
+The said dame was many years the junior of her spouse, and thought
+that the neighbouring village contained not a few more agreeable
+companions, than the one whom Heaven had given her for life. Of this
+circumstance the miller had some suspicions, and determined to set
+them at rest one way or the other. Accordingly, one day he pretended
+to set off to buy corn, and told his wife that he should not be at
+home that night. The miller departed, and when the shades of evening
+afforded some concealment, in glided, to supply his place at bed and
+board, a neighbouring country squire.
+
+As the village clock struck one that night, and as the loving pair
+were wrapped in sleep, a loud knocking was heard at the door.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The miller had unexpectedly returned home, and the unfortunate couple
+within were reduced to despair. The wit of the female was however
+equal to the emergency; the gentleman's clothes were pushed under
+her own, and his person was conducted into the kitchen, by the frail
+fair one, and there enclosed in a singular place of security. The
+tall house clock, which always forms a part of the furniture of the
+"parlour, kitchen, and all," of men of our miller's rank, was at
+that time out of order, and the works had, on the very morning in
+question, been conveyed to Taunton, to undergo a thorough repair.
+It immediately struck the damsel that her lover could abide in no
+safer place than this, until her husband was asleep, and she could
+return and let him out. Now the country squire was a tall and a
+stout man, with a jolly rubicund physiognomy. He consequently
+enclosed himself in the clock-case with some difficulty, and when
+the good woman locked the door of it, as the only way of keeping it
+shut, it gave him a nip in the paunch, which would have extorted a
+cry under any other circumstances. As it was, the tightness below
+threw all the blood into his countenance, which, for such was his
+height, overtopped the wood work of the case, and appeared exactly
+at the spot where the clock usually shewed the hour. So that, had a
+light been held up to it, this portentous face would have borne the
+appearance of a dark red moon scowling out of fog and vapours upon
+a stormy night. This despatched, the dame commenced her own part
+with confidence. She gaped and yawned, and only admitted the miller
+till he had cursed and sworn his wife into a conviction, that he was
+her lawful husband, and no deceiver who had mimicked his voice and
+manner for his own wicked purposes. Much to the dismay of the parties
+already in possession of the house, the miller insisted upon striking
+a light, which at length obtaining, he drove his wife before him up
+to the bed-room, and then slily and under pretence of something else,
+examined the apartment; and concluded with a thorough conviction of
+the groundlessness of his suspicions. The wife, overjoyed at getting
+the candle out of the kitchen without discovery, was in high good
+humour, so that the miller became in excellent spirits too, both on
+account of his agreeable reception and the dispersion of his fears,
+and as a proof of his state of mind gave his wife a hearty kiss, and
+swore that they would go down and have a cozy bit of supper together
+before they went to bed. In vain the poor woman resisted, the slice
+of bacon must be broiled and the eggs poached. With trembling hand
+she bore the light into the kitchen, and durst not cast a glance upon
+the clock case where the prisoner, full of horror at the return of
+the candle, and reduced to a state of insufferable impatience by his
+miserable plight, uttered a deep low groan of despair as they entered
+the apartment. Fortunately it was not loud enough to attract the
+miller's attention, but thrilled through the heart of his unfortunate
+spouse. The happy pair soon began their culinary operations, the
+male with a light heart and a hungry appetite, the female sick and
+trembling at the disclosure which she feared was inevitable. All
+she could do, she did. She tried to keep up a conversation, she
+shaded the light, and she spread rasher after rasher before the
+all-devouring miller, who seemed as if intent to display his prowess
+before his rival, who was most ruefully and intently gazing upon him
+from his window of observation. By the lady's artful management, the
+miller sat with only a side view of the clock, and allowed a few
+sympathizing glances to be interchanged between the unhappy squire
+and his love, as she spread the tempting meal before her liege lord.
+Doubtless they both thought the miller's appetite was enormous, and
+in the calculation of either of them, he had already eat a side of
+bacon, when he declared he had done. _Now for good luck!_ inwardly
+exclaimed the dame, _fortune befriend me, and let me get him up
+stairs without casting a look upon that poor deplorable face_; which
+by the bye had lately been assuming all hues, and within the last two
+minutes had turned from a blue red to deadly pale, and back again to
+red black; and slight twitches and convulsive motions were observed
+in the muscles of his face, as if the poor unfortunate owner of
+them was tormented by some body below, who alternately pricked and
+pinched him. Oh, what a weight was taken off the heart of the frail
+fair one, and how fervently did she offer up vows of chastity in the
+gratitude of the moment, when the miller, having eat and drank his
+fill, made a motion for the bed room. Gladly was she attending him,
+when, as ill luck would have it, a _loud sneeze_ was heard in the
+room, which was followed by an equally loud scream from the lady of
+the miller, who now gave all up for lost. It seemed that the dust
+of the clock-case had been disturbed by the body of the squire, and
+part of it being dislodged, had sought refuge in the intricacies
+of his nostrils. Hence the wincings and writhings, which, over and
+above being abominably nipped, produced the awful changes recorded
+above, and at length ended in a sneeze, which he could no longer
+restrain. This event had not the expected issue, for the dame in her
+fright threw down the candlestick, which she held in her hand, and
+extinguished the light. The good miller, now drowsy and stupid, chid
+her for being alarmed at the sneezing of a _cat_; and, not waiting
+for the poking out of a light from the dying embers, pushed his wife
+and himself off to bed, bestowing upon her, by the way, many of those
+endearing caresses, which husbands in a good humour lavish upon their
+wives; which caresses were certainly as indifferent to her, as they
+were doubtless disagreeable to her friend in the clock. Release was
+not so soon at hand as the parties sanguinely expected, for though
+the miller slept, he took as secure a hold of his faithful dame,
+as if he had really been aware of the gaol-delivery she intended
+to accomplish. To her last resource, therefore, she was compelled
+to fly, for the morning was fast coming on. The miller's sleep was
+broken by the loud cries of his wife, who declared she was so ill,
+she was sure she should die. She yelled and screamed till the poor
+man in despair knew not what to do, and could only cry out _What can
+I get you, What can I get you?_ Now the wily dame well knew that
+_that_ would be the best for her complaint which was not in the
+house, so she vociferated _Brandy, brandy, Oh for some brandy._ The
+poor husband scrambled up some clothes, and set off for the nearest
+public house for some brandy, which was nearly a mile from his abode.
+Arriving there, he knocked up the landlord, who administered the
+medicine to him. To pay for which, the distressed husband put his
+hand in his breeches' pocket, and much to his own surprise, pulled
+out a large bundle of bank notes, at which he stared in amazement;
+when the landlord cried out, Lord! _you have got Mr. Farrer's
+breeches on_. Buckskins, it seems, well known in the neighbourhood.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"_The Devil I have_," returned the miller, in a tone which came up
+like a groan, as he gazed upon his nether man. Quickly comprehending
+the secret of the exchange, he pocketed the notes, drank up the
+brandy for his own consolation, and went home, moralizing his pensive
+path, and gave the hypocritical culprit the soundest beating she ever
+had in her life. She, poor soul! who had been charitably employed in
+the meanwhile, in letting the bird out of his cage, was not prepared
+for this reception; nor did she understand it until the next morning,
+when the breeches were cried round the town by her malignant husband,
+who also with no pleasant expression of countenance, made a point of
+turning over his newly-acquired riches in her presence.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+                                POINT V.
+
+                           THE JOLLY BEGGARS;
+
+                                  OR,
+
+                      LOVE AND LIBERTY, A CANTATA.
+
+                            BY ROBERT BURNS.
+
+
+                              RECITATIVO.
+
+          When lyart leaves bestrow the yird,
+          Or wavering like the Bauckie-bird[1],
+              Bedim cauld Boreas' blast;
+          When hailstanes drive wi' bitter skyte,
+          And infant frosts begin to bite,
+              In hoary cranreuch drest;
+          Ae night at e'en a merry core
+              O' randie, gangrel bodies,
+          In Posie-Nansie's[2] held the splore[3],
+              To drink their orra duddies[4]:
+                Wi' quaffing, and laughing,
+                  They ranted an' they sang;
+                Wi' jumping, an' thumping,
+                  The vera girdle rang.
+
+          First, neist the fire, in auld red rags,
+          Ane sat, weel brac'd wi' mealy bags,
+              And knapsack a' in order;
+          His doxy lay within his arm,
+          Wi' _usquebae_ an' blankets warm,
+              She blinket on her sodger:
+          An' ay he gies the tozie drab
+              The tither skelpan kiss,
+          While she held up her greedy gab
+              Just like an aumous[5] dish:
+                Ilk smack still, did crack still,
+                  Just like a cadger's[6] whip;
+                Then staggering, an' swaggering,
+                  He roar'd this ditty up--
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+                                  AIR.
+
+                         _Tune_--SOLDIER'S JOY.
+
+
+                                   I.
+
+
+          I am a son of Mars, who have been in many wars,
+          And shew my cuts and scars wherever I come;
+          This here was for a wench, and that other in a trench,
+          When welcoming the French at the sound of the drum.
+
+                                        _Lal de daudle, &c._
+
+
+                                  II.
+
+          My prenticeship I past, where my leader breath'd his last,
+          When the bloody die was cast on the heights of Abram;
+          I served out my trade, when the gallant _game_ was play'd,
+          And the Moro low was laid at the sound of the drum.
+
+
+
+                                  III.
+
+          I lastly was with Curtis, among the floating batt'ries,
+          And there I left for witness, an arm and a limb;
+          Yet let my country need me, with Elliot to head me,
+          I'll clatter on my stumps at the sound of a drum.
+
+
+                                  IV.
+
+          And now tho' I must beg, with a wooden arm and leg,
+          And many a tatter'd rag hanging over my ----,
+          I'm as happy with my wallet, my bottle and my callet[7],
+          As when I us'd in scarlet to follow a drum.
+
+
+                                   V.
+
+          What tho' with hoary locks, I must stand the winter shocks,
+          Beneath the woods and rocks oftentimes for a home,
+          When the tother bag I sell, and the tother bottle tell,
+          I could meet a troop of hell at the sound of a drum.
+
+
+                              RECITATIVO.
+
+          He ended; and the kebars[8] sheuk
+            Aboon the chorus roar;
+          While frighted rattons backward leuk,
+            An' seek the benmost bore[9];
+          A Merry Andrew i' the neuk,
+            He skirl'd out, _encore!_
+          But up arose the martial chuck,
+            An' laid the loud uproar.
+
+
+
+                                  AIR.
+
+                         _Tune_--SODGER LADDIE.
+
+
+                                   I.
+
+          I once was a maid, tho' I cannot tell when,
+          And still my delight is in proper young men:
+          Some one of a troop of dragoons was my daddie,
+          No wonder I'm fond of a _sodger laddie_.
+                                        Sing, _Lal de lal_, &c.
+
+
+                                  II.
+
+          The first of my loves was a swaggering blade,
+          To rattle the thundering drum was his trade;
+          His leg was so tight and his cheek was so ruddy,
+          Transported was I with my _sodger laddie_.
+
+
+                                  III.
+
+          But the godly old chaplain left him in the lurch,
+          The sword I forsook for the sake of the church;
+          He ventur'd the soul, and I risked the body,
+          'Twas then I prov'd false to my _sodger laddie_.
+
+
+                                  IV.
+
+          Full soon I grew sick of my sanctified sot,
+          The regiment at large for a husband I got;
+          From the gilded spontoon to the fife I was ready,
+          I asked no more but a _sodger laddie_.
+
+
+                                   V.
+
+          But the _peace_ it reduc'd me to beg in despair,
+          Till I met my old boy at a _Cunningham_ fair;
+          His rags regimental they flutter'd so gaudy,
+          My heart it rejoic'd at my _sodger laddie_.
+
+
+                                  VI.
+
+          And now I have lived--I know not how long,
+          And still I can join in a cup and a song:
+          But whilst with both hands I can hold the glass steady,
+          Here's to thee, my hero, my _sodger laddie_.
+                                        Sing, _Lal de dal_, &c.
+
+
+                              RECITATIVO.
+
+          Poor Merry Andrew in the neuk
+            Sat guzzling wi' a tinkler hizzie;
+          They mind't na wha the chorus teuk,
+            Between themsels they were sae busy.
+          At length wi' drink and courting dizzy,
+            He stoiter'd up an' made a face;
+          Then turn'd an' laid a smack on Grizzy,
+            Syne tun'd his pipes wi' grave grimace.
+
+
+                                  AIR.
+
+                        _Tune_--AULD SIR SIMON.
+
+          Sir Wisdom's a fool when he's fou,
+            Sir Knave is a fool in a session;
+          He's there but a prentice, I trow,
+            But I am a fool by profession.
+
+          My Grannie she bought me a beuk,
+            An' I held awa to the school;
+          I fear I my talent misteuk,
+            But what will ye hae of a fool.
+
+          For drink I would venture my neck;
+            A hizzie's the half of my craft;
+          But what could ye other expect
+            Of ane that's avowedly daft.
+
+          I ance was ty'd up like a stirk,
+            For civilly swearing and quaffing;
+          I ance was abus'd i' the Kirk,
+            For towzing a lass i' my daffin.
+
+          Poor Andrew that tumbles for sport,
+            Let naebody name wi' a jeer;
+          There's ev'n, I'm tauld, i' the court,
+            A _Tumbler_ ca'd the _Premier_.
+
+          Observ'd ye yon reverend lad
+            Mak faces to tickle the mob;
+          He rails at our mountebank squad,
+            It's _rivalship_ just i' the job.
+
+          And now my conclusion I'll tell,
+            For faith I'm confoundedly dry,
+          The chiel that's a fool for himsel,
+            Guid Lord, he's far dafter than I.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[1] The bat.
+
+[2] A whiskey house.
+
+[3] Frolic.
+
+[4] Superfluous rags.
+
+[5] A plate for receiving alms.
+
+[6] A man who travels the country, with his wares on the back of a
+horse or ass.
+
+[7] Wench.
+
+[8] Rafters.
+
+[9] Deepest recess.
+
+
+
+
+                               POINT VI.
+
+
+                              RECITATIVO.
+
+          Then neist outspak a raucle carlin[10],
+          Wha kent fu' weel to cleek the sterlin';
+          For mony a pursie she had hooked,
+          An' had in mony a well been douked:
+          Her Love had been a _Highland laddie_,
+          But weary fa' the waefu' woodie[11]!
+          Wi' sighs and sobs she thus began,
+          To wail her braw _John Highlandman_.
+
+
+                                  AIR.
+
+                  _Tune_--O AN YE WERE DEAD, GUDEMAN.
+
+
+                                   I.
+
+          A highland lad my love was born,
+          The Lalland laws he held in scorn;
+          But he still was faithfu' to his clan,
+          My gallant, braw _John Highlandman_!
+
+                                CHORUS.
+
+          _Sing hey my braw John Highlandman!
+          Sing ho my braw John Highlandman!
+          There's not a lad in a' the lan'
+          Was match for my John Highlandman!_
+
+
+
+                                  II.
+
+          With his philibeg an' tartan plaid,
+          An' guid claymore down by his side,
+          The ladies' hearts he did trepan,
+          My gallant, braw _John Highlandman_.
+                                          _Sing, hey,_ &c.
+
+
+                                  III.
+
+          We ranged a' from Tweed to Spey,
+          An' liv'd like lords an' ladies gay;
+          For a lalland face he feared none,
+          My gallant, braw _John Highlandman_.
+                                          _Sing, hey,_ &c.
+
+
+                                  IV.
+
+          They banish'd him beyond the sea,
+          But ere the bud was on the tree,
+          Adown my cheeks the pearls ran,
+          Embracing my _John Highlandman_.
+                                          _Sing, hey,_ &c.
+
+
+                                   V.
+
+          But och! they catch'd him at the last,
+          And bound him in a dungeon fast;
+          My curse upon them every one,
+          They've hang'd my braw _John Highlandman_.
+                                          _Sing, hey,_ &c.
+
+
+                                  VI.
+
+          And now a widow I must mourn,
+          Departed joys that ne'er return;
+          No comfort but a hearty can,
+          When I think on _John Highlandman_.
+                                          _Sing, hey,_ &c.
+
+
+                              RECITATIVO.
+
+          A pigmy scraper wi' his fiddle,
+          Wha us'd to trystes and fairs to driddle.
+          Her strappen limb an' gausy middle,
+                            (He reach'd na higher,)
+          Had hol'd his heartie like a riddle,
+                            An' blawn't on fire.
+
+          W' hand on hainch, an' upward e'e,
+          He croon'd his gamut, _one_, _two_, _three_,
+          Then in an arioso key,
+                            The wee Apollo
+          Set off wi' _allegretto_ glee
+                            His _giga solo_.
+
+
+                                  AIR.
+
+                   _Tune_--WHISTLE OWRE THE LAVE O'T.
+
+          Let me ryke up to dight that tear,
+          An' go wi' me an' be my _dear_;
+          An' then your every _care_ and _fear_
+              May whistle owre the lave o't.
+
+                                CHORUS.
+
+              _I am a fidler to my trade,_
+              _An' a' the tunes that e'er I play'd,_
+              _The sweetest still to wife or maid,_
+                  _Was, whistle owre the lave o't._
+
+          At kirns an' weddins we'se be there,
+          An' O sae nicely's we will fare!
+          We'll bowse about till Dadie Care
+              Sing whistle owre the lave o't.
+                                          _I am_, &c.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+          Sae merrily's the banes we'll pyke,
+          An' sun oursells about the dyke;
+          An' at our leisure when ye like
+              We'll--whistle owre the lave o't.
+                                          _I am_, &c.
+
+          But bless me wi' your heav'n o' charms,
+          And while I kittle[12] hair on thairms,
+          Hunger, cauld, an' a' sic harms
+              May whistle owre the lave o't.
+                                          _I am_, &c.
+
+
+                              RECITATIVO.
+
+          Her charms had struck a sturdy _Caird_[13],
+            As weel as poor _Gutscraper_;
+          He taks the fiddler by the beard,
+            An' draws a roosty rapier--
+          He swoor by a' was swearing worth,
+            To speet him like a pliver,
+          Unless he would from that time forth
+            Relinquish her for ever:
+
+          Wi' ghastly e'e, poor _tweedle-dee_,
+            Upon his hunkers[14] bended,
+          An' pray'd for grace wi' ruefu' face,
+            An' so the quarrel ended;
+          But tho' his little heart did grieve,
+            When round the _tinker_ prest her,
+          He feign'd to snirtle in his sleeve,
+            When thus the _Caird_ address'd her
+
+
+
+                                  AIR.
+
+                       _Tune_--CLOUT THE CAUDRON.
+
+
+                                   I.
+
+          My bonie lass I work in brass,
+            A tinkler is my station;
+          I've travell'd round all Christian ground
+            In this my occupation;
+          I've ta'en the gold, I've been enroll'd
+            In many a noble squadron;
+          But vain they search'd, when off I march'd
+            To go an' clout the caudron.
+                            _I've ta'en the gold,_ &c.
+
+
+                                  II.
+
+          Despise that shrimp, that wither'd imp,
+            With a' his noise an' caprin;
+          An' take a share with those that bear
+            The budget an' the apron!
+          An' by that stowp, my faith an' houpe,
+            An' by that dear Kilbaigie[15]!
+          If e'er ye want, or meet with scant,
+            May I ne'er weet my craigie.
+                            _An' by that stowp_, &c.
+
+
+                              RECITATIVO.
+
+          The Caird prevail'd--th' unblushing fair
+            In his embraces sunk;
+          Partly wi' love o'ercome sa sair,
+            An' partly she was drunk:
+          _Sir Violino_, with an air,
+            That show'd a man o' spunk,
+          Wish'd unison between the pair,
+            An' made the bottle clunk
+                        To their health that night.
+
+          But hurchin Cupid shot a shaft,
+            That play'd a dame a shavie--
+          A sailor rak'd her fore and aft,
+            Behind the chicken cavie.
+          Her lord a wight o' Homer's craft,
+            Tho' limpan wi' the spavie,
+          He hirpl'd up an' lap like daft,
+            An _shor'd_[16] them _Dainty Davie_
+                          O'boot that night.
+
+          He was a care-defying blade,
+            As ever Bacchus listed!
+          Tho' fortune sair upon him laid,
+            His heart, she ever miss'd it:
+          He had no wish but--to be glad,
+            Nor want but--when he thirsted;
+          He hated nought but--to be sad,
+            An' thus the Muse suggested
+                          His sang that night.
+
+
+                                  AIR.
+
+                   _Tune_--FOR A' THAT, AN' A' THAT.
+
+
+                                   I.
+
+          I am a bard of no regard
+            Wi' gentle-folks, an' a' that;
+          But Homer-like, the glowran byke[17],
+            Frae town to town I draw that.
+
+                                CHORUS.
+
+          _For a' that, an' a' that,_
+            _An' twice as muckle's a' that,_
+          _I've lost but ane, I've twa behin',_
+            _I've_ wife eneugh _for a' that._
+
+
+
+                                  II.
+
+          I never drank the Muses' _tank_,
+            Castalia's burn an' a' that;
+          But there it streams, an' richly reams
+            My _Helicon_ I ca' that.
+                              _For a' that,_ &c.
+
+
+                                  III.
+
+          Great love I bear to all the Fair,
+            Their humble slave, an' a' that;
+          But lordly Will, I hold it still
+            A mortal sin to thraw that.
+                              _For a' that,_ &c.
+
+
+                                  IV.
+
+          In raptures sweet, this hour we meet,
+            Wi' mutual love an' a' that;
+          But for how lang the flie may stang,
+            Let Inclination law that.
+                              _For a' that,_ &c.
+
+
+                                   V.
+
+          Their tricks an' craft hae put me daft,
+            They've ta'en me in, an' a' that;
+          But clear your decks, an' here's _the Sex_!
+            I like the jads for a' that.
+
+          _For a' that, an a' that,_
+            _An' twice as muckle's a' that,_
+          _My dearest bluid, to do them guid,_
+            _They're welcome till't for a' that._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[10] A sturdy raw-boned dame.
+
+[11] The gallows.
+
+[12] While I rub a horse-hair bow upon cat-gut.
+
+[13] Tinker.
+
+[14] Haunches.
+
+[15] A well known kind of whiskey.
+
+[16] Promised.
+
+[17] The multitude.
+
+
+
+
+                               POINT VII.
+
+
+                              RECITATIVO.
+
+          So sung the _Bard_--and Nansie's waws
+            Shook wi' a thunder of applause
+          Re-echo'd from each mouth!
+            They toom'd[18] their pokes, they pawn'd their duds[19],
+          They scarcely left to coor their fuds,
+            To quench their lowan drouth.
+
+          Then owre again, the jovial thrang,
+            The poet did request,
+          To lowse his pack an' wale a sang,
+            A ballad o' the best.
+                  He, rising, rejoicing,
+                    Between his _twa Deborahs_,
+                  Looks round him, an' found them
+                    Impatient for the chorus.
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[18] Opened.
+
+[19] Rags.
+
+
+
+
+                              POINT VIII.
+
+
+                                  AIR.
+
+               _Tune_--JOLLY MORTALS, FILL YOUR GLASSES.
+
+
+                                   I.
+
+          See! the smoking bowl before us,
+            Mark our jovial, ragged ring!
+          Round and round take up the chorus,
+            And in raptures let us sing--
+              _A fig for those by law protected,_
+                Liberty's _a glorious feast!_
+              _Courts for cowards were erected,_
+                _Churches built to please the priest._
+
+
+                                  II.
+
+          What is title, what is treasure,
+            What is reputation's care?
+          If we lead a life of pleasure,
+            'Tis no matter how or where.
+                                      _A fig_, &c.
+
+
+                                  III.
+
+          With the ready trick and fable,
+            Round we wander all the day;
+          And at night, in barn or stable,
+            Hug our doxies on the hay.
+                                      _A fig_, &c.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+                                  IV.
+
+          Does the train-attended carriage
+            Thro' the country lighter rove?
+          Does the sober bed of marriage
+            Witness brighter scenes of love?
+                                      _A fig_, &c.
+
+
+                                   V.
+
+          Life is all a _variorum_,
+            We regard not how it goes;
+          Let them cant about decorum
+            Who have character to lose.
+                                      _A fig_, &c.
+
+
+                                  VI.
+
+          Here's to _budgets_, _bags_, and _wallets_!
+            Here's to all the wandering train!
+          Here's _our ragged brats and callets_!
+            One and all cry out, _Amen!_
+
+              _A fig for those by law protected,_
+                Liberty's _a glorious feast!_
+              _Courts for cowards were erected,_
+                _Churches built to please the priest._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+                               POINT IX.
+
+                      THE DOWNFALL OF HOLY CHURCH.
+
+
+In the year of 1460, Revel was governed by a General, whose name
+was John of Mengden; a worthy old man, who loved his glass of wine,
+and had the gout; for wine and the gout are sister's children. It
+was his custom to ride out occasionally on a black horse down to
+the shores of the Baltic, whence he continued his way to a convent
+of nuns consecrated to St. Bridget. This nunnery, which was called
+Marianthal, was situated about a mile from the town, and its ruins
+are inhabited by owls and ravens.
+
+On one of these excursions he was accompanied by the Lord Marshal,
+Gothard of Plettenberg.
+
+As they approached the convent wall, the Marshal's horse became
+suddenly restive. "Have you heard," said he, "the strange stories of
+the subterraneous passage, and that it winds in intricate mazes round
+the cloister?"----"No;" replied John of Mengden, "but I should like to
+hear them over a bottle; you shall relate them to me in the evening."
+"It may be done now, and in a few words," rejoined the other; "for we
+stand exactly before the subterraneous passage, or mouth of the cavern;
+but for fifty years, not a human foot has advanced beyond the bottom of
+the steps, there the torches are always blown out."
+
+The burgomaster of Revel, who was then with them, made a cross on
+his breast, and confirmed the statement. "Sometimes," continued
+Gothard, "are heard, during the night, the sounds of soft music,
+arising slowly and melodiously from the cave, like the sweet tones
+of musical glasses, with an accompaniment of the songs of angels.
+The holy sisters of the convent are frequent listeners to this
+divine harmony, though none of the words can be understood." "Let
+the venerable Lady Abbess come down to me," said the general, as he
+alighted from his horse, and placed his glove in his sword-belt. The
+Abbess now appeared, veiled. She modestly curtsied to the knight,
+and presented him with a cup of Spanish wine. The old General laid
+himself down on the grass, and asked the sainted lady if she could
+give him any information relative to the subterraneous passage? The
+Abbess replied in the affirmative, adding a number of particulars
+concerning what she and her pious sisters had seen,--and fancied they
+had seen--heard, and fancied they had heard.
+
+"So God and St. Vitus help me!" exclaimed the governor, "I will
+myself make an attempt to descend into the cavern; give me a lighted,
+consecrated torch."
+
+The burgomaster crossed himself all over. A cold shivering seized
+him; the only vault into which he had been accustomed to descend, was
+the town-cellar, which was haunted by none but _choice spirits_, with
+which he was familiar.
+
+The lady Abbess entreated the old man not to undertake so rash an
+enterprize; and assured him, that the spirits of former times,
+unlike those of the present day, would not allow themselves to be
+sported with. But in arguing with the brave old General, they talked
+to the wind which blew over the Baltic. The consecrated torches were
+brought, the corpulent General repeated an Ave-Maria, recommended
+himself to St. Vitus, his protecting Saint, and courageously entered
+the mysterious passage. The sound of his feet was still heard on the
+steps; his breathing was still audible, and the glimmer of his torch
+played on the damp walls. On a sudden all was silent, and the light
+disappeared. The listeners above were on the stretch of attention.
+Gothard was stationed on the upper step; the burgomaster a few paces
+further back; and behind him stood the Abbess, her rosary running
+through her fingers. They listened, but all was still! "Holloa there,
+John of Mengden!--how fare you?" thundered the voice of Gothard; yet
+all was still as the grave. The listeners were alarmed; they inclined
+their ears; they stood lightly on tip-toe; they restrained their
+breath--not a sound ascended. The cavern yawned before them, and all
+was silent below; "Holy St. Bridget! what can have happened? Let the
+priests be summoned, and mass be said, to appease the spirits!"
+
+The lady Abbess hastened to the convent, rang the chapel-bell, when
+all the pious sisterhood hurried from their cells, fell upon their
+bare knees, chastizing themselves, and praying to heaven for mercy
+towards the old General. The burgomaster threw himself upon his
+horse, and trotted back to the town to impart the terrible news to
+his wife, children and domestics. Gothard, who was a courageous
+knight, alone remained, absorbed in gloomy reflection, leaning
+against the wall, with his eyes fixed on the darkness beneath. Thus
+he continued during two hours. At last he thought he heard on the
+steps some one breathing and struggling.--"John of Mengden!" he
+vociferated--"are you alive, or dead?"--"I am alive!" replied the
+General, half breathless, as he stumbled up the steps. "Thanks to God
+and St. Bridget!--we have been in agony on your account. Where have
+you been? What have you heard or seen?" The General then related that
+he had quietly descended, with the consecrated taper in his hand;
+that his heart beat a little as he advanced; that a cold shiver had
+begun to seize him; but that he took courage, as his taper burnt
+always clear and bright: that at length he stood on the bottom step,
+and looked down an endless passage, doubtful whether, under the
+protection of St. Bridget, he should move forward or backward; that
+suddenly he was surrounded by a lukewarm breeze, mild and fragrant,
+as if wafted over a bed of flowers, which in a moment extinguished
+his taper, and so clouded his senses, that he sunk like a dead man
+on the steps, and then lay a considerable time in a sort of trance;
+that at last he awoke again, and it appeared to him as if he were
+gently moved by a warm hand, though he knew not where he was, nor
+what had happened to him; that he stretched out his hands, and felt
+nothing but the cold stone; but that, as a little daylight glimmered
+upon him from above, he composed his spirits, and began to creep
+with difficulty up the steps; that when on them he was perfectly
+recovered, feeling only a slight oppression in the head, similar to
+the effect of intoxication.
+
+"Well, brother," said he to the lord-marshal, "will not you also make
+the attempt, and try whether it will not succeed better with you."
+
+Gothard of Plettenberg demurred: notwithstanding he never feared,
+in former times, a knight of flesh and bone, as long as he was
+able to wield his sword; yet, with respect to ghosts, a very just
+exception was allowed; and a knight might tremble in the dark like an
+old woman, without any stain upon his honor, or impeachment of his
+valour. Now a days, the matter is quite altered, and a man may fear
+any thing but ghosts.
+
+"By my sword," said the governor, as he was returning home, "I will
+investigate the causes of this mystery. I must know from whose mouth
+proceeded the gentle breath, that smelt fragrant as the plants of
+the east, and yet had force enough to extinguish the flame of the
+consecrated taper, and even to confuse my head, as though I had been
+drunk."
+
+He instantly sent for Henry of Uxkull, bishop of Revel, and the Abbot
+of Pardis. Being arrived, they were entertained at a large oak table,
+and quaffed wine from the family goblet. They listened to the fearful
+story of their host, with their fat hands folded upon their huge
+bellies, and shook their heads with significant silence.
+
+Having well weighed the matter, knitted their brows and assumed an
+air of importance, they finally agreed _that they knew not what to
+think of it_. Each then waddled to his home and thought no more of
+the mysterious cavern.
+
+But it was not so with the General. He could not rest. His fancy was
+on the rack, to account for the mystery. On the next morning, he
+despatched letters to the Archbishop of Riga, to a learned canon,
+and two pious deans of the holy church of Riga--stating "that a
+surprising incident had obliged him to have recourse to their
+piety and wisdom, and entreating that they would be at Revel on St.
+Egidius's day, to discuss in christian humility this weighty affair."
+
+They came on the appointed day: for they were aware that the cellar
+of the Governor contained excellent wine, and that his was no niggard
+hospitality. The archbishop of Revel, and the Abbot of Pardis, were
+likewise invited to assist, who failed not at the proper hour to
+present themselves at the castle. An elegant repast had been prepared
+for them, bumpers went cheerily round to the prosperity of Holy
+Church, and to the perpetual bloom of the German order of religion.
+
+When their spiritual stomachs were sufficiently gorged, the General
+thus addressed them: "Reverend and pious fathers! thus and thus
+it happened to me and my friend here, Gothard of Plettenberg,"
+recounting his story--"What is to be done to liberate the spirits who
+wander and breathe in the subterraneous passage?"
+
+"They must be driven out by force," replied the archbishop of Riga,
+"and the power to do this was given to bishops from above."
+
+"A wisp of hay should be steeped in holy water," added the canon,
+"with which the steps of the dark passage should be sprinkled."
+
+One of the deans advised that "the little chest with the Egyptian
+hieroglyphics, which was kept as a relic in the convent of St.
+Bridget, should be taken to the cavern."
+
+The other dean was of opinion that the spirits should be allowed
+to continue without molestation so long as they only wandered and
+breathed.
+
+The archbishop of Revel was also of the same sentiment, but the
+Abbot of Pardis applauded this idea of the Egyptian hieroglyphics.
+
+Last of all, the old General proposed that they should immediately
+ride to the beach, and employ the arms of the church against the
+inhabitants of the subterraneous passage. The wine had imparted its
+spirit to the holy fathers; and they now felt courage to engage, if
+necessary, even with the fiends of hell.
+
+Within half an hour they were at the convent gate!
+
+Three times were the consecrated torches borne round by the
+archbishop, who, muttering between his teeth, dipped the wisp into a
+large ewer of holy water, and plentifully besprinkled all present.
+Thus spiritually armed, they silently and cautiously approached the
+entrance of the cavern. Here a question arose, "who should go down
+first?" Those who were at home were unwilling to rob the strangers
+of the honor of precedence. The deans drew back, as being merely
+subalterns in the church, out of respect to their bishop. The
+archbishop bowed to the right learned canon, and he bowed to the
+rest. The General became impatient, and forced the archbishop down
+the steps. The rest followed with beating hearts and tottering knees.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Each carried in his hand a consecrated taper; and with a rosary hanging
+at his elbow, sprinkled the walls with drops of holy water. The last
+of the procession was the Abbot of Pardis, who, grown unwieldy by the
+luxurious diet of the church, could scarcely drag his short puffed legs
+after his fat and bulky paunch. The steps too were not only small,
+but damp and slippery; whence it happened, that on the second step
+the Abbot lost his footing, and falling with his whole weight upon
+Henry of Uxkull, they both fell upon the last dean: all three on
+the first dean; all four on the canon; all five upon the archbishop of
+Riga; when the whole troop rolled helter skelter down the steps, and
+plumped to the bottom like so many sacks, there remaining senseless!
+The consecrated tapers were extinguished, and the venerable group were
+veiled by a sort of Egyptian darkness. The General, who remained above,
+heard the tremendous rumbling, to which succeeded a dead silence. For
+two hours he listened, called on each by name, and waited in vain for a
+reply. His voice alone was returned to him in a dull and hollow echo.
+The only sound which met his eager listening, was that of the terrified
+bat, flitting in the depths of the cavern; or, at intervals, the scream
+of the frightened owl.
+
+He was a man of uncommon courage, and he resolved to descend once
+more himself, to see what was become of his guests; but as a prelude
+to this perilous expedition, he determined to enliven his natural
+spirits by a draught of generous wine. As he vociferated--"a cup of
+wine," to the groom who held his horse, the word WINE reached the
+ears of the holy men--they disentangled themselves from each other,
+scrambled up, their foreheads bedewed with the sweat of terror, and
+when they had recovered themselves, they confessed unanimously _that
+they were not able to unravel the mystery_.
+
+Thus ended the second attempt to gain a more intimate acquaintance
+with the spirits of the subterraneous passage, and thenceforward no
+one was bold enough to tread the magic ground.
+
+
+
+
+                                POINT X.
+
+                         A VISIT WITHOUT FORM.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+When the Cardinal Bernis resided at Rome in the capacity of Ambassador
+from France, he bore the highest character for sanctity--yet the
+Cardinal was a man, though a churchman; and churchmen are sometimes not
+invulnerable to the shafts of love. A pair of speaking black eyes like
+those of the Princess B., have before now made sad havoc in the heart
+of the votary of celibacy. The lady was conscious of her own charms,
+but being married to the man she loved, instead of setting them off by
+certain little manoeuvres which some ladies perfectly understand how
+to put in practice, she carefully avoided giving any encouragement to
+the Cardinal, whose constant attendance upon her began to give her
+some uneasiness. At length the Cardinal, finding that his visits,
+attentions, _cadeaux_, and fine speeches had no effect, determined upon
+seeking an opportunity of making the lady sensible of the excess of
+his passion. One morning the Princess, on returning from mass, in her
+haste to avoid a violent shower of rain, tripped as she was getting
+out of her carriage, and sprained her ancle. The Cardinal, who by his
+spies was informed of every step the Princess took, had attended at
+mass also; and as he was following the Princess, unobserved, he saw
+the accident and ran to her assistance, raised her into the carriage,
+and very humbly entreated her to allow him the honour of seeing her
+safe home. His Excellency was not to be refused consistently with
+etiquette, so the poor Princess was under the necessity of hearing all
+the pretty things the Ambassador had reserved for the occasion. All
+his protestations and entreaties proved fruitless, and the poor lady
+arrived at the palace almost exhausted with the alarm the conversation
+had caused her. She now endeavoured with all care to avoid receiving
+the Cardinal's visits, but the old gentleman's amorous plans were not
+to be thwarted.--He still found means of seeing her, and again attacked
+her with his vows and protestations, so that the lady, unable to bear
+it any longer, determined to inform the Prince, and related to him all
+the circumstances of the affair. The Prince was enraged, and threatened
+all kinds of vengeance against the lover; but however, when the first
+burst of passion had a little subsided, he said to her, "We are, my
+love, in a very aukward situation, for the Cardinal being Ambassador
+his person is sacred; besides we should have the whole consistory
+and his holiness at their head, thundering excommunication upon us.
+However, I will think of some scheme of cooling the passion of this
+holy gentleman." He accordingly suggested that she should write word
+to the Cardinal, that as her husband was going that evening to his
+Villa near Tivoli, to order some improvement to be made which would
+detain him the best part of next day, she had determined to admit a
+visit from him; but that in order to keep the matter a secret from
+the servants, she desired him to come at midnight; that she would
+fix a silken ladder at her room window which looked into the garden,
+whence he might easily ascend into the anti-room, where he would find
+the door open that led into her own room. The reader will naturally
+conceive the transports which this delicious billet excited in the
+worthy Cardinal. He danced, and leaped and capered about for joy, rang
+the bell, gave contradictory orders, and convinced his valet that
+he was mad. He had the sense however to direct a suit of his finest
+linen to be prepared, and to countermand the order for his carriage,
+for he bethought himself he had better go privately. How tedious did
+the hours, which intervened before the time of appointment, appear
+to our ardent lover, and when the clock struck eleven he could no
+longer wait. It was a good distance, he must be there in time, not a
+second too late; therefore off he set after taking some precautions
+against his sacred person being discovered. He arrives, panting with
+love and hope; the burning of Mongibello could scarcely exceed the
+conflagration within him. He gets to the garden-gate. One cannot think
+of every thing. The Princess in her flurry had forgotten to order the
+garden-gate to be left open. What was to be done? The wall was not
+high; but must his Eminence endanger his sacred person? Love, however,
+the sovereign ruler, who makes even cowards heroes, animated him. It
+was dreadfully dark; but luckily, in feeling for the height of the
+wall, the anxious lover found an aperture in it large enough to admit
+the foot: into this he stepped, gave a spring, and got to the top;
+and then slid down the other side, not however without losing his hat
+and cloak, which owing to the darkness of the night he could not find
+again, nor was he aware, for the same reason, how he was daubed with
+mortar and brick-dust. In this pickle, our Adonis made the best of his
+way to find the ladder, tumbling over orange-trees and rosebushes,
+to the manifest injury of his cassock, which began to hang about him
+in rags. At last he reached the ladder, seized hold of it, stopped,
+panted a while for breath, and then up he went. He had just got one leg
+through the window, when the two large folding doors of the apartment
+flew open, and fifteen or twenty servants with lighted torches in their
+hands presented themselves before him. The Prince, at their head,
+ran up to the window, and with all courtesy helped in the astonished
+Cardinal, and turning to the servants said, "Scoundrels! is it thus you
+pay respect to the sacred person of the Cardinal Bernis? Is it thus, by
+your negligence, that you compel his Eminence, when coming to my wife,
+to venture his precious life upon a slight ladder and force him through
+the window in this miserable plight?" Conceive the situation of the
+bald-pated, cloakless, and tattered Cardinal, as he stood ashamed and
+terrified before the jeering Prince and his twenty torchbearers. His
+trembling knees could scarcely support him, as, half dead with fright,
+shame, and disappointment, he sneaked out of the room, still lighted
+by the torches and bowed out by the Prince, who continued to apologize
+for the carelessness of his servants, much to the annoyance of the
+poor Cardinal, whose misery was heightened by one stroke more; for, as
+he was huddling off, he just caught the face of the Princess, peeping
+through the opening of a door with some friends, all almost convulsed
+with laughter.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+                                LONDON:
+              Printed by D. S. Maurice, Fenchurch Street.
+
+
+
+
+               =Works Illustrated by George Cruikshank.=
+
+                   PUBLISHED BY JAMES ROBINS AND CO.
+
+
+                        GERMAN POPULAR STORIES,
+
+  Collected by MM. GRIMM, from Oral Tradition. Fourth Edition, with 12
+                Etchings by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, price 7s.
+
+     'This Book ought to be in the possession of the man as a
+     curiosity, and of the child as an amusement.'--New Monthly
+     Magazine.
+
+
+               A SECOND VOLUME OF GERMAN POPULAR STORIES,
+
+              Illustrated by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, price 7s.
+
+     'Of the first volume of this entertaining publication we spoke
+     very favorably; and what with the German varieties in this
+     sequel of well known nursery tales, and the clever designs of
+     George Cruikshank, certain it is this volume the second deserves
+     almost equal praise.'--Literary Gazette.
+
+
+                           POINTS OF HUMOUR,
+
+Illustrated by a Series of Designs, by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, on Copper and
+Wood. Parts 1 and 2, Royal 8vo. price 8s.; coloured 12s. 6d.: and India
+                         proofs 12s. 6d. each.
+
+
+                          GREENWICH HOSPITAL,
+
+A Series of NAVAL SKETCHES, descriptive of the Life of a
+Man-of-War's-Man, by an OLD SAILOR. Printed in demy 4to. with Twelve
+characteristic Illustrations on Copper by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, coloured
+in Costume, in addition to numerous Engravings on Wood, price One
+Guinea, boards.
+
+     'In compliment to the inexhaustible talent and drollery of
+     George Cruikshank, we have put this article at the head of our
+     department of the Fine Arts; and it well deserves that grace.
+     Yet it must not be fancied that we mean to derogate from the
+     literary merits of the "Old Sailor," whose Smollet-like humour
+     and genuine nautical characteristics so often occupied that
+     portion of the Literary Gazette in which we endeavour to lighten
+     and enliven its graver pages. Indeed, these Tales (or the far
+     greater number of them) now so cleverly brought together,
+     were originally printed in our columns; where they obtained
+     so much popularity, as to lead to their being republished in
+     this collected form, with the addition of the artist's merry,
+     grotesque, and laughable designs.'--Literary Gazette.
+
+
+                      MORE MORNINGS AT BOW STREET,
+
+A New Series of the most humorous and entertaining Reports, by JOHN
+WIGHT, of the Morning Herald. With a Frontispiece and twenty-five
+Illustrations by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. 10s. 6d. A few copies are printed
+on India paper, price 15s.
+
+India and plain impressions of the Cuts may be had separately, price
+10s. 6d. and 6s.
+
+
+                          TALES OF IRISH LIFE,
+
+Illustrative of the Manners, Customs, and Condition of the People,
+collected during a residence of several years in various parts of
+Ireland, with Illustrations by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. In 2 vols, price 12s.
+
+     'There is much matter worthy of earnest national attention in
+     these fictions; while, at the same time, they are characteristic
+     and amusing'--Literary Gazette.
+
+     'The designs of George Cruikshank, in this work, are sufficient
+     to render any tales immortal.'--British Press.
+
+     'A hue of nature pervades them--an air of reality invests
+     them;--life, actual life, is stamped upon the incidents and upon
+     the characters.'--Dublin Morning Register.
+
+     'These volumes are calculated to do much good.'--Dublin and
+     London Magazine.
+
+     'We recommend the whole to the perusal of our readers, as highly
+     worthy of their attention.'--Critical Gazette.
+
+
+                            HANS OF ICELAND,
+
+A Tale, with four highly finished Etchings by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.
+Price 7s. 6d.
+
+          'Some say this monster was a witch,
+           Some say he was a devil.'--Dragon of Wantley.
+
+     'Really Hans of Iceland is altogether one of the best
+     productions of its class which we have seen. There is a power
+     about it resembling one of Fuseli's pictures, and Cruikshank's
+     designs are capital.'--Literary Gazette.
+
+
+                             THE HUMOURIST:
+
+A Chaste Collection of Entertaining Tales, Anecdotes, Epigrams, Witty
+Sayings, &c. Original and Selected. Embellished with Forty coloured
+Plates, Drawn and Engraved by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. In Four Volumes, 5s
+each.
+
+
+                            ECCENTRIC TALES,
+
+From the German of W. F. VON KOSEWITZ. Embellished with twenty
+coloured Illustrations by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, from Sketches by ALFRED
+CROWQUILL. Price 15s.
+
+
+            MEMOIRS OF THE LIFE AND WRITINGS OF LORD BYRON,
+
+by GEO. CLINTON, ESQ. with a Portrait and Forty illustrations, by
+GEO. CRUIKSHANK.
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Notes:
+
+
+Obvious punctuation and spelling errors have been fixed throughout.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Points of Humour, Part 1 (of 2), by Anonymous
+
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+    <title>
+     Points of Humour: Part I., by George Cruikshank--A Project Gutenberg eBook.
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Points of Humour, Part 1 (of 2), by Anonymous
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Points of Humour, Part 1 (of 2)
+
+Author: Anonymous
+
+Illustrator: George Cruikshank
+
+Release Date: January 3, 2014 [EBook #44571]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK POINTS OF HUMOUR, PART 1 (OF 2) ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Douglas L. Alley, III, Chris Curnow and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+(This file was produced from images generously made
+available by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+
+<h2>POINTS</h2>
+
+<h6>OF</h6>
+
+<h1>HUMOUR.</h1>
+
+<h6>ILLUSTRATED BY</h6>
+
+<h4><span class="oldenglish">A Series of Plates</span>,</h4>
+
+<h3>FROM DESIGNS BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.</h3>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<h4>TEN ENGRAVINGS ON COPPER. TWELVE WOOD CUTS.</h4>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i6">"<i>Let me play the fool:</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come;</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>And let my liver rather heat with wine,</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Than my heart cool with mortifying groans.</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Why should a man, whose blood is warm within,</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Sit like his grandsire, cut in alabaster?</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Sleep when he wakes? and creep into the jaundice</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>By being peevish?</i>"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i28"><span class="smcap">Shakspeare.</span><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<h3>PART I.</h3>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Price</span> 8<i>s.</i></h3>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<h3>LONDON:</h3>
+
+<h3>PUBLISHED BY J. ROBINS AND CO. IVY LANE,<br />
+PATERNOSTER ROW.</h3>
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_i" id="Page_i">[Pg i]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<h2><a name="POINTS" id="POINTS">POINTS</a></h2>
+
+<h6>OF</h6>
+
+<h1>HUMOUR;</h1>
+
+<h4><span class="oldenglish">Illustrated</span></h4>
+
+<h6>BY THE</h6>
+
+<h3>DESIGNS OF GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.</h3>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<h4>LONDON:</h4>
+
+<h4>PUBLISHED BY C. BALDWYN, NEWGATE STREET.</h4>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<h4>1823.</h4>
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_ii" id="Page_ii">[Pg ii]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<h6><a name="LONDON" id="LONDON">LONDON:</a></h6>
+
+<h6>Printed by D. S. Maurice, Fenchurch Street.</h6>
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_iii" id="Page_iii">[Pg iii]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<h2><a name="PREFACE" id="PREFACE">PREFACE.</a></h2>
+
+
+<p>It will be readily perceived that the literary part of this
+work is of humble pretensions. One object alone has
+been aimed at and it is hoped with success&mdash;to select
+or to invent those incidents which might be interesting
+or amusing in themselves, while they afforded scope for
+the peculiar talents of the artist who adorns them with
+his designs. The selection was more difficult than may
+at first sight be supposed. It is true, there is no paucity
+of subjects of wit and humour, but he who will
+take the trouble to examine them, will find how few are
+adapted for pictorial representation. No artist can embody
+a point of wit, and the humour of many of the
+most laughable stories would vanish at the touch of the
+pencil of the most ingenious designer in the world.
+Those ludicrous subjects only which are rich in the humour
+of <i>situation</i> are calculated for graphic illustration.
+To prove the following anecdotes are not deficient
+in this respect, no other appeal is necessary than
+to the plates themselves. Look at the breadth of the
+humour, the point of the situation, the selection of the
+figures, the action, and its accompaniments, and deny
+(without a laugh on the face) that this portion of the
+work answers the end in view. In all this the writer or
+compiler, or whatever he may be called, claims little<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_iv" id="Page_iv">[Pg iv]</a></span>
+merit. That the whole effect is comic, that the persons
+are ludicrous, and engaged in laughable groups and surrounded
+with objects which tend to broaden the grin,
+all this, and a thousand times more, belongs to Mr.
+Cruikshank;&mdash;the writer only claims the merit of
+having suggested to him the materials.</p>
+
+<p>Some of the <span class="smcap">ten points</span>, now submitted to the public,
+arise out of a reprint of that admirable piece of
+humour, the <span class="smcap">Jolly Beggars</span> of Burns;&mdash;A part of his
+works almost unknown to the public, in consequence
+of the scrupulousness of the poet's biographer and
+editor, who withheld them from the world. Lest we
+however should incur the charge, which Dr. Currie apprehended,
+we beg leave to prefix the observations on
+this subject by the first literary character in the kingdom,
+Sir Walter Scott, as they appeared in the <i>Quarterly
+Review</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"Yet applauding, as we do most highly applaud, the
+leading principles of Dr. Currie's selection, we are
+aware that they sometimes led him into fastidious and
+over-delicate rejection of the bard's most spirited and
+happy effusions. A thin octavo, published at Glasgow
+in 1801, under the title of 'Poems ascribed to Robert
+Burns, the Ayrshire bard,' furnishes valuable proofs of
+this assertion; it contains, among a good deal of rubbish,
+some of his most brilliant poetry. A cantata, in
+particular, called <i>The Jolly Beggars</i>, for humorous description
+and nice discrimination of character, is inferior
+to no poem of the same length in the whole range of
+English poetry. The scene, indeed, is laid in the very
+lowest department of low life, the actors being a set
+of strolling vagrants, met to carouse, and barter their
+rags and plunder for liquor in a hedge ale-house. Yet
+even in describing the movements of such a group, the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_v" id="Page_v">[Pg v]</a></span>
+native taste of the poet has never suffered his pen to
+slide into any thing coarse or disgusting. The extravagant
+glee and outrageous frolic of the beggars are
+ridiculously contrasted with their maimed limbs, rags,
+and crutches&mdash;the sordid and squalid circumstances
+of their appearance are judiciously thrown into the
+shade. Nor is the art of the poet less conspicuous in
+the individual figures, than in the general mass. The
+festive vagrants are distinguished from each other by
+personal appearance and character, as much as any
+fortuitous assembly in the higher orders of life. The
+group, it must be observed, is of Scottish character,
+and doubtless our northern brethren are more familiar
+with its varieties than we are; yet the distinctions are
+too well marked to escape even the southern. The most
+prominent persons are a maimed soldier and his female
+companion, a hackneyed follower of the camp, a stroller,
+late the consort of an highland ketterer, or sturdy beggar&mdash;'but
+weary fa' the waefu' woodie!'&mdash;Being now
+at liberty, she becomes an object of rivalry between a
+'pigmy scraper with his fiddle' and a strolling tinker.
+The latter, a desperate bandit, like most of his profession,
+terrifies the musician out of the field, and is preferred
+by the damsel of course. A wandering ballad-singer,
+with a brace of doxies, is last introduced upon
+the stage. Each of these mendicants sings a song in
+character, and such a collection of humorous lyrics,
+connected by vivid poetical description, is not perhaps
+to be paralleled in the English language. The ditty
+chaunted by the Ballad Singer is certainly far superior
+to any thing in the <i>Beggar's Opera</i>, where alone we
+could expect to find its parallel.</p>
+
+<p>"We are at a loss to conceive any good reason why
+Dr. Currie did not introduce this singular and humorous<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_vi" id="Page_vi">[Pg vi]</a></span>
+cantata into his collection. It is true, that in one
+or two passages the muse has trespassed slightly upon
+decorum, where, in the language of Scottish song,</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"High kilted was she,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"As she gaed owre the lea."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"Something, however, is to be allowed to the nature
+of the subject, and something to the education of the
+poet: and if from veneration to the names of Swift
+and Dryden, we tolerate the grossness of the one, and
+the indelicacy of the other, the respect due to that
+of Burns, may surely claim indulgence for a few light
+strokes of broad humour.</p>
+
+<p>"Knowing that this, and hoping that other compositions
+of similar spirit and tenor, might yet be recovered,
+we were induced to think that some of them, at least,
+had found a place in the collection given to the public
+by Mr. Cromek. But he has neither risqued the censure,
+nor gained the applause, which might have belonged
+to such an undertaking."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" >
+   <a name="i_010" id="i_010"></a>
+   <img src="images/i_010.jpg" alt="Crowd jamming a doorway" title="Crowd jamming a doorway" />
+</div>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><a name="POINT_I" id="POINT_I">POINT I.</a></h2>
+
+<h3>THE POINT OF HONOUR.</h3>
+
+
+<p>When the American army was at Valley Forge in
+the winter of 1777, a captain of the Virginian Line
+refused a challenge sent him by a brother officer, alleging
+that his life was devoted to the service of his
+country, and that he did not think it a point of duty to
+risk it to gratify the caprice of any man. This <i>point of
+duty</i> gave occasion to a <i>point of humour</i> which clearly
+displayed the brilliant <i>points</i> of the officer's character,
+and exposed the weak ones of his brothers in the service
+in a very <i>pointed</i> manner. His antagonist gave
+him the character of a coward through the whole army.
+Conscious of not having merited the aspersion, and
+discovering the injury he should sustain in the
+minds of those unacquainted with him, he repaired
+one evening to a general meeting of the officers of
+that line. On his entrance, he was avoided by the
+company, and the officer who had challenged him,
+insolently ordered him to leave the room; a request
+which was loudly re-echoed from all parts. He refused,
+and asserted that he came there to vindicate his fame;
+and after mentioning the reasons which induced him
+not to accept the challenge, he applied a large hand
+grenade to the candle, and when the fuse had caught<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span>
+fire, threw it on the floor, saying, "Here, gentlemen, this
+will quickly determine which of us all dare brave
+danger most." At first they stared upon him for a
+moment in stupid astonishment, but their eyes soon fell
+upon the fuse of the grenade, which was fast burning
+down. Away scampered Colonel, General, Ensign, and
+Captain, and all made a rush at the door. "Devil
+take the hindmost." Some fell, and others made way
+over the bodies of their comrades; some succeeded in
+getting out, but for an instant there was a general heap
+of flesh sprawling at the entrance of the apartment.
+Here was a colonel jostling with a subaltern, and there
+fat generals pressing lean lieutenants into the boards,
+and blustering majors, and squeaking ensigns wrestling
+for exit; the size of one and the feebleness of the other
+making their chance of departure pretty equal, until
+time, which does all things at last, cleared the room and
+left the noble captain standing over the grenade with
+his arms folded, and his countenance expressing every
+kind of scorn and contempt for the train of scrambling
+red coats, as they toiled and bustled and bored their
+way out of the door.</p>
+
+<p>After the explosion had taken place, some of them ventured
+to return, to take a peep at the mangled remains
+of their comrade, whom however to their great surprise
+they found alive and uninjured.&mdash;When they were all
+gone, the captain threw himself flat on the floor as the
+only possible means of escape, and fortunately came off
+with a whole skin, and a repaired reputation.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" >
+   <a name="i_012" id="i_012"></a>
+   <img src="images/i_012.jpg" alt="Stick figures" title="Stick figures" />
+</div>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><a name="POINT_II" id="POINT_II">POINT II.</a></h2>
+
+<h3>THE SHORT COURTSHIP.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" >
+   <a name="i_015" id="i_015"></a>
+   <img src="images/i_015.jpg" alt="Old man and woman in bed" title="Old man and woman in bed" />
+</div>
+
+<p>As a gentleman was passing along one of the more retired
+streets of London late in the evening, he stumbled
+over the body of an old man, whom on examination he
+found in a state of excessive inebriation, and who had
+in consequence tumbled down and rolled into the
+kennel. He had not gone many yards farther when he
+found an old woman very nearly in the same circumstances.
+It immediately struck Mr. L. that this was some poor
+old couple, who, overcome with the fatigues of the day,
+had indulged too freely in some restorative beverage,
+whether Hodges' or Deady's the historian does not say.
+Full of this idea, and animated by his own charitable
+disposition, Mr. L. soon made arrangements for the
+reception of the poor couple into a neighbouring public
+house, where the landlord promised that the senseless
+pair should be undressed and placed in a warm and
+comfortable bed. To bed they were put. Mr. L. left
+them lying side by side, snoring in concert, and likely
+to pass together a more harmonious night than perhaps
+would have been the case had they possessed the full<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span>
+enjoyment of their senses. L. journeyed homewards filled
+with the satisfaction arising from the performance of a
+kind deed, and never reflected that there was a possibility
+of his having joined a pair whom the laws of God had not
+made one. The fact was, that the old man and the old
+woman were perfect strangers to each other, and their
+being found in a similar situation was purely accidental.
+In London, however extraordinary it may appear, many
+poor folks get drunk at night, especially Saturday night,
+and what is not less wonderful, they are in this state
+often unable to preserve their balance&mdash;the laws of gravity
+exert their influence, and the patient rolls into the
+kennel. Soundly&mdash;soundly did this late united pair
+sleep and snore till morning,&mdash;when the light broke in
+upon them and disclosed the secret.&mdash;Imagine the consternation
+of the old lady when the fumes of intoxication
+were dissipated, and she opened her eyes upon her snoring
+partner&mdash;where she was or how she had been put there
+she knew not. It was clear she was in bed with a man,
+and that was an event which had never happened to her
+before,&mdash;so she set up a scream, and roused the old
+gentleman, whose astonishment was not a jot less than
+the lady's. She sat upon end in bed staring at him,
+he moved himself into a similar situation and riveted
+his eyes upon her, and so they remained for a few instants
+both full of perfect wonderment;&mdash;at last it struck
+the poor lady that this was some monster of a man who
+had succeeded in some horrible design upon her honour;
+the idea in a moment gave her the look and manner of a
+fury, she flung out of bed and roared aloud to the admiration
+of all the inmates of the house, who attracted by
+her first scream were already peeping in at the door of
+the room,&mdash;"make me an honest woman, thou wretch,"
+she cried&mdash;"villain that you are,&mdash;make an honest woman<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span>
+of me, or I'll be the death of thee;"&mdash;down she sat
+upon the bed-stocks, and as she attempted to dress herself
+she interlarded her occupation with calling for vengeance
+upon her horrible seducer, who sat trembling at
+the other side of the bed, vainly attempting in his fright
+to insinuate his legs into his old tattered breeches. The
+landlord at last interfered with the authority of his station,
+and on inquiry found that no breach had been
+made which could not be easily repaired. The old
+gentleman was asked if he had any objection to take
+his fair bedfellow for a helpmate during the remainder
+of his life; he stammered out his acquiescence as well
+as he could, and the enraged virgin consented to smooth
+down her anger on satisfaction being made to her
+injured honour. The bargain was soon struck, the
+happy pair were bundled off to church, amidst the laughing
+shouts of the mob, where a parson waited to make
+good the match too precipitately formed by our charitable
+friend.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" >
+   <a name="i_017" id="i_017"></a>
+   <img src="images/i_017.jpg" alt="Drinker and torch bearer walking arm in arm" title="Drinker and torch bearer walking arm in arm" />
+</div>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><a name="POINT_III" id="POINT_III">POINT III.</a></h2>
+
+<h3>YES OR NO?</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" >
+   <a name="i_019" id="i_019"></a>
+   <img src="images/i_019.jpg" alt="Child confronting King" title="Child confronting King" />
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Frederick the Great, King of Prussia, was so remarkably
+fond of children, that he suffered the sons of the
+Prince Royal to enter his apartment whenever they
+thought proper. One day, while he was writing in his
+closet, the eldest of these princes was playing at shuttlecock
+near him. The shuttlecock happened to fall
+upon the table at which the King sat, who threw it at
+the young prince and continued to write. The shuttlecock
+falling on the table a second time, the King threw
+it back, looking sternly at the child, who promised that
+no accident of the kind should happen again; the
+shuttlecock however fell a third time and even upon the
+paper on which the king was writing. Frederick then
+took the shuttlecock and put it in his pocket: the little
+prince humbly asked pardon and begged the King to
+return him his shuttlecock. His Majesty refused: the
+prince redoubled his entreaties, but no attention was
+paid to them; the young prince at length being tired of
+begging, advanced boldly towards the King, put his
+two hands on his side, and tossing back his little head<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span>
+with great haughtiness, said in a threatening tone, "Will
+your Majesty give me my shuttlecock, Yes or No?"
+The King burst into a fit of laughter, and taking the
+shuttlecock out of his pocket, returned it to the prince
+saying, "you are a brave boy, <i>you</i> will never suffer
+Silesia to be taken from you."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" >
+   <a name="i_021" id="i_021"></a>
+   <img src="images/i_021.jpg" alt="Cow grazing" title="Cow grazing" />
+</div>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><a name="POINT_IV" id="POINT_IV">POINT IV.</a></h2>
+
+<h3>EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY.</h3>
+
+
+<p>Near Taunton, in Somersetshire, lived a sturdy fellow,
+by trade a miller, who possessed a handsome and
+buxom young woman for his wife. The said dame was
+many years the junior of her spouse, and thought that
+the neighbouring village contained not a few more
+agreeable companions, than the one whom Heaven had
+given her for life. Of this circumstance the miller had
+some suspicions, and determined to set them at rest one
+way or the other. Accordingly, one day he pretended
+to set off to buy corn, and told his wife that he should
+not be at home that night. The miller departed, and
+when the shades of evening afforded some concealment,
+in glided, to supply his place at bed and board, a neighbouring
+country squire.</p>
+
+<p>As the village clock struck one that night, and as
+the loving pair were wrapped in sleep, a loud knocking
+was heard at the door.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" >
+   <a name="i_025" id="i_025"></a>
+   <img src="images/i_025.jpg" alt="Man dining while wife laments" title="Man dining while wife laments" />
+</div>
+
+<p>The miller had unexpectedly returned home, and the
+unfortunate couple within were reduced to despair. The
+wit of the female was however equal to the emergency;
+the gentleman's clothes were pushed under her own, and
+his person was conducted into the kitchen, by the frail
+fair one, and there enclosed in a singular place of security.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span>
+The tall house clock, which always forms a part of the
+furniture of the "parlour, kitchen, and all," of men of
+our miller's rank, was at that time out of order, and
+the works had, on the very morning in question, been
+conveyed to Taunton, to undergo a thorough repair.
+It immediately struck the damsel that her lover could
+abide in no safer place than this, until her husband was
+asleep, and she could return and let him out. Now
+the country squire was a tall and a stout man, with a
+jolly rubicund physiognomy. He consequently enclosed
+himself in the clock-case with some difficulty, and
+when the good woman locked the door of it, as the
+only way of keeping it shut, it gave him a nip in the
+paunch, which would have extorted a cry under any
+other circumstances. As it was, the tightness below
+threw all the blood into his countenance, which, for
+such was his height, overtopped the wood work of
+the case, and appeared exactly at the spot where the
+clock usually shewed the hour. So that, had a light
+been held up to it, this portentous face would have
+borne the appearance of a dark red moon scowling out
+of fog and vapours upon a stormy night. This despatched,
+the dame commenced her own part with confidence.
+She gaped and yawned, and only admitted
+the miller till he had cursed and sworn his wife into a
+conviction, that he was her lawful husband, and no deceiver
+who had mimicked his voice and manner for his
+own wicked purposes. Much to the dismay of the
+parties already in possession of the house, the miller
+insisted upon striking a light, which at length obtaining,
+he drove his wife before him up to the bed-room,
+and then slily and under pretence of something else,
+examined the apartment; and concluded with a thorough
+conviction of the groundlessness of his suspicions.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span>
+The wife, overjoyed at getting the candle out of the
+kitchen without discovery, was in high good humour,
+so that the miller became in excellent spirits too, both
+on account of his agreeable reception and the dispersion
+of his fears, and as a proof of his state of mind
+gave his wife a hearty kiss, and swore that they would
+go down and have a cozy bit of supper together before
+they went to bed. In vain the poor woman resisted,
+the slice of bacon must be broiled and the eggs poached.
+With trembling hand she bore the light into the
+kitchen, and durst not cast a glance upon the clock case
+where the prisoner, full of horror at the return of the
+candle, and reduced to a state of insufferable impatience
+by his miserable plight, uttered a deep low groan
+of despair as they entered the apartment. Fortunately
+it was not loud enough to attract the miller's attention,
+but thrilled through the heart of his unfortunate spouse.
+The happy pair soon began their culinary operations, the
+male with a light heart and a hungry appetite, the female
+sick and trembling at the disclosure which she
+feared was inevitable. All she could do, she did. She
+tried to keep up a conversation, she shaded the light,
+and she spread rasher after rasher before the all-devouring
+miller, who seemed as if intent to display his
+prowess before his rival, who was most ruefully and
+intently gazing upon him from his window of observation.
+By the lady's artful management, the miller sat
+with only a side view of the clock, and allowed a few
+sympathizing glances to be interchanged between the
+unhappy squire and his love, as she spread the tempting
+meal before her liege lord. Doubtless they both
+thought the miller's appetite was enormous, and in the
+calculation of either of them, he had already eat a side
+of bacon, when he declared he had done. <i>Now for</i><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span>
+<i>good luck!</i> inwardly exclaimed the dame, <i>fortune befriend
+me, and let me get him up stairs without casting a look upon
+that poor deplorable face</i>; which by the bye had lately been
+assuming all hues, and within the last two minutes had
+turned from a blue red to deadly pale, and back again
+to red black; and slight twitches and convulsive motions
+were observed in the muscles of his face, as if the poor
+unfortunate owner of them was tormented by some body
+below, who alternately pricked and pinched him. Oh,
+what a weight was taken off the heart of the frail fair one,
+and how fervently did she offer up vows of chastity in
+the gratitude of the moment, when the miller, having eat
+and drank his fill, made a motion for the bed room.
+Gladly was she attending him, when, as ill luck would
+have it, a <i>loud sneeze</i> was heard in the room, which was
+followed by an equally loud scream from the lady of
+the miller, who now gave all up for lost. It seemed
+that the dust of the clock-case had been disturbed by
+the body of the squire, and part of it being dislodged,
+had sought refuge in the intricacies of his nostrils.
+Hence the wincings and writhings, which, over and
+above being abominably nipped, produced the awful
+changes recorded above, and at length ended in a
+sneeze, which he could no longer restrain. This event
+had not the expected issue, for the dame in her fright
+threw down the candlestick, which she held in her hand,
+and extinguished the light. The good miller, now
+drowsy and stupid, chid her for being alarmed at the
+sneezing of a <i>cat</i>; and, not waiting for the poking out
+of a light from the dying embers, pushed his wife and
+himself off to bed, bestowing upon her, by the way, many
+of those endearing caresses, which husbands in a good
+humour lavish upon their wives; which caresses were
+certainly as indifferent to her, as they were doubtless<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span>
+disagreeable to her friend in the clock. Release was not
+so soon at hand as the parties sanguinely expected, for
+though the miller slept, he took as secure a hold of his
+faithful dame, as if he had really been aware of the gaol-delivery
+she intended to accomplish. To her last resource,
+therefore, she was compelled to fly, for the
+morning was fast coming on. The miller's sleep was
+broken by the loud cries of his wife, who declared she
+was so ill, she was sure she should die. She yelled and
+screamed till the poor man in despair knew not what
+to do, and could only cry out <i>What can I get you, What
+can I get you?</i> Now the wily dame well knew that <i>that</i>
+would be the best for her complaint which was not in
+the house, so she vociferated <i>Brandy, brandy, Oh for
+some brandy.</i> The poor husband scrambled up some
+clothes, and set off for the nearest public house for some
+brandy, which was nearly a mile from his abode. Arriving
+there, he knocked up the landlord, who administered
+the medicine to him. To pay for which, the distressed
+husband put his hand in his breeches' pocket, and much
+to his own surprise, pulled out a large bundle of bank
+notes, at which he stared in amazement; when the landlord
+cried out, Lord! <i>you have got Mr. Farrer's breeches
+on</i>. Buckskins, it seems, well known in the neighbourhood.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" >
+   <a name="i_028" id="i_028"></a>
+   <img src="images/i_028.jpg" alt="Man with candle confronting a wino" title="Man with candle confronting a wino" />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"<i>The Devil I have</i>," returned the miller, in a tone
+which came up like a groan, as he gazed upon his nether
+man. Quickly comprehending the secret of the exchange,
+he pocketed the notes, drank up the brandy
+for his own consolation, and went home, moralizing his
+pensive path, and gave the hypocritical culprit the
+soundest beating she ever had in her life. She, poor
+soul! who had been charitably employed in the meanwhile,
+in letting the bird out of his cage, was not prepared
+for this reception; nor did she understand it until
+the next morning, when the breeches were cried round
+the town by her malignant husband, who also with no
+pleasant expression of countenance, made a point of
+turning over his newly-acquired riches in her presence.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" >
+   <a name="i_029" id="i_029"></a>
+   <img src="images/i_029.jpg" alt="Town crier with pants on a pole" title="Town crier with pants on a pole" />
+</div>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><a name="POINT_V" id="POINT_V">POINT V.</a></h2>
+
+<h3>THE JOLLY BEGGARS;</h3>
+
+<h6>OR,</h6>
+
+<h4>LOVE AND LIBERTY, A CANTATA.</h4>
+
+<h6>BY ROBERT BURNS.</h6>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" >
+   <a name="i_032" id="i_032"></a>
+   <img src="images/i_032.jpg" alt="Drunk woman kissing a handicap man" title="Drunk woman kissing a handicap man" />
+</div>
+
+<p class="center">RECITATIVO.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">When lyart leaves bestrow the yird,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or wavering like the Bauckie-bird<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Bedim cauld Boreas' blast;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When hailstanes drive wi' bitter skyte,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And infant frosts begin to bite,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">In hoary cranreuch drest;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ae night at e'en a merry core<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">O' randie, gangrel bodies,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In Posie-Nansie's<a name="FNanchor_2_2" id="FNanchor_2_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2_2" class="fnanchor">[2]</a> held the splore<a name="FNanchor_3_3" id="FNanchor_3_3"></a><a href="#Footnote_3_3" class="fnanchor">[3]</a>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">To drink their orra duddies<a name="FNanchor_4_4" id="FNanchor_4_4"></a><a href="#Footnote_4_4" class="fnanchor">[4]</a>:<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">Wi' quaffing, and laughing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i8">They ranted an' they sang;<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">Wi' jumping, an' thumping,<br /></span>
+<span class="i8">The vera girdle rang.<br /></span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">First, neist the fire, in auld red rags,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ane sat, weel brac'd wi' mealy bags,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And knapsack a' in order;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His doxy lay within his arm,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Wi' <i>usquebae</i> an' blankets warm,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">She blinket on her sodger:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' ay he gies the tozie drab<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">The tither skelpan kiss,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While she held up her greedy gab<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Just like an aumous<a name="FNanchor_5_5" id="FNanchor_5_5"></a><a href="#Footnote_5_5" class="fnanchor">[5]</a> dish:<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">Ilk smack still, did crack still,<br /></span>
+<span class="i8">Just like a cadger's<a name="FNanchor_6_6" id="FNanchor_6_6"></a><a href="#Footnote_6_6" class="fnanchor">[6]</a> whip;<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">Then staggering, an' swaggering,<br /></span>
+<span class="i8">He roar'd this ditty up&mdash;<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">AIR.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Tune</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Soldier's Joy</span>.</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">I.</p>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I am a son of Mars, who have been in many wars,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And shew my cuts and scars wherever I come;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This here was for a wench, and that other in a trench,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When welcoming the French at the sound of the drum.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i30"><i>Lal de daudle, &amp;c.</i><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">II.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">My prenticeship I past, where my leader breath'd his last,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When the bloody die was cast on the heights of Abram;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I served out my trade, when the gallant <i>game</i> was play'd,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the Moro low was laid at the sound of the drum.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p>
+<p class="center">III.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I lastly was with Curtis, among the floating batt'ries,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And there I left for witness, an arm and a limb;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Yet let my country need me, with Elliot to head me,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'll clatter on my stumps at the sound of a drum.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">IV.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And now tho' I must beg, with a wooden arm and leg,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And many a tatter'd rag hanging over my &mdash;&mdash;,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'm as happy with my wallet, my bottle and my callet<a name="FNanchor_7_7" id="FNanchor_7_7"></a><a href="#Footnote_7_7" class="fnanchor">[7]</a>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As when I us'd in scarlet to follow a drum.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">V.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">What tho' with hoary locks, I must stand the winter shocks,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Beneath the woods and rocks oftentimes for a home,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When the tother bag I sell, and the tother bottle tell,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I could meet a troop of hell at the sound of a drum.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">RECITATIVO.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">He ended; and the kebars<a name="FNanchor_8_8" id="FNanchor_8_8"></a><a href="#Footnote_8_8" class="fnanchor">[8]</a> sheuk<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Aboon the chorus roar;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While frighted rattons backward leuk,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">An' seek the benmost bore<a name="FNanchor_9_9" id="FNanchor_9_9"></a><a href="#Footnote_9_9" class="fnanchor">[9]</a>;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A Merry Andrew i' the neuk,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">He skirl'd out, <i>encore!</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But up arose the martial chuck,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">An' laid the loud uproar.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p>
+<p class="center">AIR.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Tune</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Sodger Laddie</span>.</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">I.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I once was a maid, tho' I cannot tell when,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And still my delight is in proper young men:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Some one of a troop of dragoons was my daddie,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No wonder I'm fond of a <i>sodger laddie</i>.<br /></span>
+<span class="i30">Sing, <i>Lal de lal</i>, &amp;c.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">II.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The first of my loves was a swaggering blade,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To rattle the thundering drum was his trade;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His leg was so tight and his cheek was so ruddy,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Transported was I with my <i>sodger laddie</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">III.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But the godly old chaplain left him in the lurch,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The sword I forsook for the sake of the church;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He ventur'd the soul, and I risked the body,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Twas then I prov'd false to my <i>sodger laddie</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">IV.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Full soon I grew sick of my sanctified sot,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The regiment at large for a husband I got;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From the gilded spontoon to the fife I was ready,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I asked no more but a <i>sodger laddie</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">V.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But the <i>peace</i> it reduc'd me to beg in despair,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Till I met my old boy at a <i>Cunningham</i> fair;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His rags regimental they flutter'd so gaudy,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">My heart it rejoic'd at my <i>sodger laddie</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="center">VI.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And now I have lived&mdash;I know not how long,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And still I can join in a cup and a song:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But whilst with both hands I can hold the glass steady,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Here's to thee, my hero, my <i>sodger laddie</i>.<br /></span>
+<span class="i30">Sing, <i>Lal de dal</i>, &amp;c.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">RECITATIVO.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Poor Merry Andrew in the neuk<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Sat guzzling wi' a tinkler hizzie;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They mind't na wha the chorus teuk,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Between themsels they were sae busy.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At length wi' drink and courting dizzy,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">He stoiter'd up an' made a face;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then turn'd an' laid a smack on Grizzy,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Syne tun'd his pipes wi' grave grimace.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">AIR.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Tune</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Auld Sir Simon</span>.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Sir Wisdom's a fool when he's fou,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Sir Knave is a fool in a session;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He's there but a prentice, I trow,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">But I am a fool by profession.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">My Grannie she bought me a beuk,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">An' I held awa to the school;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I fear I my talent misteuk,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">But what will ye hae of a fool.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">For drink I would venture my neck;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A hizzie's the half of my craft;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But what could ye other expect<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Of ane that's avowedly daft.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I ance was ty'd up like a stirk,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">For civilly swearing and quaffing;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I ance was abus'd i' the Kirk,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">For towzing a lass i' my daffin.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Poor Andrew that tumbles for sport,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Let naebody name wi' a jeer;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">There's ev'n, I'm tauld, i' the court,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A <i>Tumbler</i> ca'd the <i>Premier</i>.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Observ'd ye yon reverend lad<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Mak faces to tickle the mob;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He rails at our mountebank squad,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It's <i>rivalship</i> just i' the job.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And now my conclusion I'll tell,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">For faith I'm confoundedly dry,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The chiel that's a fool for himsel,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Guid Lord, he's far dafter than I.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" >
+   <a name="i_037" id="i_037"></a>
+   <img src="images/i_037.jpg" alt="Man on soapbox speaking to a crowd" title="Man on soapbox speaking to a crowd" />
+</div>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><a name="POINT_VI" id="POINT_VI">POINT VI.</a></h2>
+
+
+<p class="center">RECITATIVO.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Then neist outspak a raucle carlin<a name="FNanchor_10_10" id="FNanchor_10_10"></a><a href="#Footnote_10_10" class="fnanchor">[10]</a>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Wha kent fu' weel to cleek the sterlin';<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For mony a pursie she had hooked,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' had in mony a well been douked:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Her Love had been a <i>Highland laddie</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But weary fa' the waefu' woodie<a name="FNanchor_11_11" id="FNanchor_11_11"></a><a href="#Footnote_11_11" class="fnanchor">[11]</a>!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Wi' sighs and sobs she thus began,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To wail her braw <i>John Highlandman</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">AIR.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Tune</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">O an ye were dead, Gudeman</span>.</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">I.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">A highland lad my love was born,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Lalland laws he held in scorn;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But he still was faithfu' to his clan,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">My gallant, braw <i>John Highlandman</i>!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p class="center">CHORUS.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><i>Sing hey my braw John Highlandman!</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Sing ho my braw John Highlandman!</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>There's not a lad in a' the lan'</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Was match for my John Highlandman!</i><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p>
+<p class="center">II.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">With his philibeg an' tartan plaid,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' guid claymore down by his side,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The ladies' hearts he did trepan,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">My gallant, braw <i>John Highlandman</i>.<br /></span>
+<span class="i32"><i>Sing, hey,</i> &amp;c.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">III.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">We ranged a' from Tweed to Spey,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' liv'd like lords an' ladies gay;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For a lalland face he feared none,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">My gallant, braw <i>John Highlandman</i>.<br /></span>
+<span class="i32"><i>Sing, hey,</i> &amp;c.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">IV.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">They banish'd him beyond the sea,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But ere the bud was on the tree,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Adown my cheeks the pearls ran,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Embracing my <i>John Highlandman</i>.<br /></span>
+<span class="i32"><i>Sing, hey,</i> &amp;c.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">V.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But och! they catch'd him at the last,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And bound him in a dungeon fast;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">My curse upon them every one,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They've hang'd my braw <i>John Highlandman</i>.<br /></span>
+<span class="i32"><i>Sing, hey,</i> &amp;c.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">VI.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And now a widow I must mourn,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Departed joys that ne'er return;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No comfort but a hearty can,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When I think on <i>John Highlandman</i>.<br /></span>
+<span class="i32"><i>Sing, hey,</i> &amp;c.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="center">RECITATIVO.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">A pigmy scraper wi' his fiddle,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Wha us'd to trystes and fairs to driddle.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Her strappen limb an' gausy middle,<br /></span>
+<span class="i18">(He reach'd na higher,)<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Had hol'd his heartie like a riddle,<br /></span>
+<span class="i18">An' blawn't on fire.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">W' hand on hainch, an' upward e'e,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He croon'd his gamut, <i>one</i>, <i>two</i>, <i>three</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then in an arioso key,<br /></span>
+<span class="i18">The wee Apollo<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Set off wi' <i>allegretto</i> glee<br /></span>
+<span class="i18">His <i>giga solo</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">AIR.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Tune</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Whistle owre the lave o't</span>.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Let me ryke up to dight that tear,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' go wi' me an' be my <i>dear</i>;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' then your every <i>care</i> and <i>fear</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">May whistle owre the lave o't.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p class="center">CHORUS.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4"><i>I am a fidler to my trade,</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i4"><i>An' a' the tunes that e'er I play'd,</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i4"><i>The sweetest still to wife or maid,</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i8"><i>Was, whistle owre the lave o't.</i><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">At kirns an' weddins we'se be there,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' O sae nicely's we will fare!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We'll bowse about till Dadie Care<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Sing whistle owre the lave o't.<br /></span>
+<span class="i32"><i>I am</i>, &amp;c.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" >
+   <a name="i_042" id="i_042"></a>
+   <img src="images/i_042.jpg" alt="Man with rapier confronting another man" title="Man with rapier confronting another man" />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Sae merrily's the banes we'll pyke,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' sun oursells about the dyke;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' at our leisure when ye like<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">We'll&mdash;whistle owre the lave o't.<br /></span>
+<span class="i32"><i>I am</i>, &amp;c.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But bless me wi' your heav'n o' charms,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And while I kittle<a name="FNanchor_12_12" id="FNanchor_12_12"></a><a href="#Footnote_12_12" class="fnanchor">[12]</a> hair on thairms,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Hunger, cauld, an' a' sic harms<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">May whistle owre the lave o't.<br /></span>
+<span class="i32"><i>I am</i>, &amp;c.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">RECITATIVO.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Her charms had struck a sturdy <i>Caird</i><a name="FNanchor_13_13" id="FNanchor_13_13"></a><a href="#Footnote_13_13" class="fnanchor">[13]</a>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">As weel as poor <i>Gutscraper</i>;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He taks the fiddler by the beard,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">An' draws a roosty rapier&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He swoor by a' was swearing worth,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To speet him like a pliver,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Unless he would from that time forth<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Relinquish her for ever:<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Wi' ghastly e'e, poor <i>tweedle-dee</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Upon his hunkers<a name="FNanchor_14_14" id="FNanchor_14_14"></a><a href="#Footnote_14_14" class="fnanchor">[14]</a> bended,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' pray'd for grace wi' ruefu' face,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">An' so the quarrel ended;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But tho' his little heart did grieve,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">When round the <i>tinker</i> prest her,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He feign'd to snirtle in his sleeve,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">When thus the <i>Caird</i> address'd her<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p>
+<p class="center">AIR.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Tune</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Clout the Caudron</span>.</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">I.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">My bonie lass I work in brass,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A tinkler is my station;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I've travell'd round all Christian ground<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In this my occupation;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I've ta'en the gold, I've been enroll'd<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In many a noble squadron;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But vain they search'd, when off I march'd<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To go an' clout the caudron.<br /></span>
+<span class="i18"><i>I've ta'en the gold,</i> &amp;c.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">II.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Despise that shrimp, that wither'd imp,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">With a' his noise an' caprin;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' take a share with those that bear<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The budget an' the apron!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' by that stowp, my faith an' houpe,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">An' by that dear Kilbaigie<a name="FNanchor_15_15" id="FNanchor_15_15"></a><a href="#Footnote_15_15" class="fnanchor">[15]</a>!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If e'er ye want, or meet with scant,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">May I ne'er weet my craigie.<br /></span>
+<span class="i18"><i>An' by that stowp</i>, &amp;c.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">RECITATIVO.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The Caird prevail'd&mdash;th' unblushing fair<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In his embraces sunk;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Partly wi' love o'ercome sa sair,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">An' partly she was drunk:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Sir Violino</i>, with an air,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That show'd a man o' spunk,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Wish'd unison between the pair,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">An' made the bottle clunk<br /></span>
+<span class="i14">To their health that night.<br /></span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But hurchin Cupid shot a shaft,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That play'd a dame a shavie&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A sailor rak'd her fore and aft,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Behind the chicken cavie.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Her lord a wight o' Homer's craft,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Tho' limpan wi' the spavie,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He hirpl'd up an' lap like daft,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">An <i>shor'd</i><a name="FNanchor_16_16" id="FNanchor_16_16"></a><a href="#Footnote_16_16" class="fnanchor">[16]</a> them <i>Dainty Davie</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i16">O'boot that night.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">He was a care-defying blade,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">As ever Bacchus listed!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Tho' fortune sair upon him laid,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">His heart, she ever miss'd it:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He had no wish but&mdash;to be glad,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nor want but&mdash;when he thirsted;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He hated nought but&mdash;to be sad,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">An' thus the Muse suggested<br /></span>
+<span class="i16">His sang that night.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">AIR.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Tune</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">for a' that, an' a' that</span>.</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">I.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I am a bard of no regard<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Wi' gentle-folks, an' a' that;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But Homer-like, the glowran byke<a name="FNanchor_17_17" id="FNanchor_17_17"></a><a href="#Footnote_17_17" class="fnanchor">[17]</a>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Frae town to town I draw that.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p class="center">CHORUS.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><i>For a' that, an' a' that,</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><i>An' twice as muckle's a' that,</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>I've lost but ane, I've twa behin',</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><i>I've</i> wife eneugh <i>for a' that.</i><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p>
+<p class="center">II.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I never drank the Muses' <i>tank</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Castalia's burn an' a' that;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But there it streams, an' richly reams<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">My <i>Helicon</i> I ca' that.<br /></span>
+<span class="i20"><i>For a' that,</i> &amp;c.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">III.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Great love I bear to all the Fair,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Their humble slave, an' a' that;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But lordly Will, I hold it still<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A mortal sin to thraw that.<br /></span>
+<span class="i20"><i>For a' that,</i> &amp;c.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">IV.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">In raptures sweet, this hour we meet,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Wi' mutual love an' a' that;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But for how lang the flie may stang,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Let Inclination law that.<br /></span>
+<span class="i20"><i>For a' that,</i> &amp;c.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">V.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Their tricks an' craft hae put me daft,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">They've ta'en me in, an' a' that;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But clear your decks, an' here's <i>the Sex</i>!<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I like the jads for a' that.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><i>For a' that, an a' that,</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><i>An' twice as muckle's a' that,</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>My dearest bluid, to do them guid,</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><i>They're welcome till't for a' that.</i><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" >
+   <a name="i_048" id="i_048"></a>
+   <img src="images/i_048.jpg" alt="Singers" title="Singers" />
+</div>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><a name="POINT_VII" id="POINT_VII">POINT VII.</a></h2>
+
+
+<p class="center">RECITATIVO.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">So sung the <i>Bard</i>&mdash;and Nansie's waws<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Shook wi' a thunder of applause<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Re-echo'd from each mouth!<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">They toom'd<a name="FNanchor_18_18" id="FNanchor_18_18"></a><a href="#Footnote_18_18" class="fnanchor">[18]</a> their pokes, they pawn'd their duds<a name="FNanchor_19_19" id="FNanchor_19_19"></a><a href="#Footnote_19_19" class="fnanchor">[19]</a>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They scarcely left to coor their fuds,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To quench their lowan drouth.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Then owre again, the jovial thrang,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The poet did request,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To lowse his pack an' wale a sang,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A ballad o' the best.<br /></span>
+<span class="i8">He, rising, rejoicing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">Between his <i>twa Deb&#333;rahs</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i8">Looks round him, an' found them<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">Impatient for the chorus.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h2><a name="POINT_VIII" id="POINT_VIII">POINT VIII.</a></h2>
+
+
+<p class="center">AIR.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Tune</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">jolly mortals, fill your glasses</span>.</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">I.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">See! the smoking bowl before us,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Mark our jovial, ragged ring!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Round and round take up the chorus,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And in raptures let us sing&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4"><i>A fig for those by law protected,</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i6">Liberty's <i>a glorious feast!</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i4"><i>Courts for cowards were erected,</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i6"><i>Churches built to please the priest.</i><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">II.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">What is title, what is treasure,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">What is reputation's care?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If we lead a life of pleasure,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">'Tis no matter how or where.<br /></span>
+<span class="i28"><i>A fig</i>, &amp;c.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">III.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">With the ready trick and fable,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Round we wander all the day;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And at night, in barn or stable,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Hug our doxies on the hay.<br /></span>
+<span class="i28"><i>A fig</i>, &amp;c.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" >
+   <a name="i_051" id="i_051"></a>
+   <img src="images/i_051.jpg" alt="Group gathered in a tavern" title="Group gathered in a tavern" />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<p class="center">IV.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Does the train-attended carriage<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Thro' the country lighter rove?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Does the sober bed of marriage<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Witness brighter scenes of love?<br /></span>
+<span class="i28"><i>A fig</i>, &amp;c.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">V.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Life is all a <i>variorum</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">We regard not how it goes;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Let them cant about decorum<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Who have character to lose.<br /></span>
+<span class="i28"><i>A fig</i>, &amp;c.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="center">VI.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Here's to <i>budgets</i>, <i>bags</i>, and <i>wallets</i>!<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Here's to all the wandering train!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Here's <i>our ragged brats and callets</i>!<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">One and all cry out, <i>Amen!</i><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4"><i>A fig for those by law protected,</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i6">Liberty's <i>a glorious feast!</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i4"><i>Courts for cowards were erected,</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i6"><i>Churches built to please the priest.</i><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" >
+   <a name="i_053" id="i_053"></a>
+   <img src="images/i_053.jpg" alt="People at a campfire" title="People at a campfire" />
+</div>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><a name="POINT_IX" id="POINT_IX">POINT IX.</a></h2>
+
+<h3>THE DOWNFALL OF HOLY CHURCH.</h3>
+
+
+<p>In the year of 1460, Revel was governed by a General,
+whose name was John of Mengden; a worthy old man,
+who loved his glass of wine, and had the gout; for
+wine and the gout are sister's children. It was his
+custom to ride out occasionally on a black horse down
+to the shores of the Baltic, whence he continued his
+way to a convent of nuns consecrated to St. Bridget.
+This nunnery, which was called Marianthal, was
+situated about a mile from the town, and its ruins are
+inhabited by owls and ravens.</p>
+
+<p>On one of these excursions he was accompanied by
+the Lord Marshal, Gothard of Plettenberg.</p>
+
+<p>As they approached the convent wall, the Marshal's
+horse became suddenly restive. "Have you heard,"
+said he, "the strange stories of the subterraneous passage,
+and that it winds in intricate mazes round the
+cloister?"&mdash;&mdash;"No;" replied John of Mengden, "but
+I should like to hear them over a bottle; you shall relate
+them to me in the evening." "It may be done
+now, and in a few words," rejoined the other; "for we<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span>
+stand exactly before the subterraneous passage, or
+mouth of the cavern; but for fifty years, not a human
+foot has advanced beyond the bottom of the steps,
+there the torches are always blown out."</p>
+
+<p>The burgomaster of Revel, who was then with them,
+made a cross on his breast, and confirmed the statement.
+"Sometimes," continued Gothard, "are heard,
+during the night, the sounds of soft music, arising
+slowly and melodiously from the cave, like the sweet
+tones of musical glasses, with an accompaniment of the
+songs of angels. The holy sisters of the convent are
+frequent listeners to this divine harmony, though none
+of the words can be understood." "Let the venerable
+Lady Abbess come down to me," said the general, as
+he alighted from his horse, and placed his glove in his
+sword-belt. The Abbess now appeared, veiled. She
+modestly curtsied to the knight, and presented him
+with a cup of Spanish wine. The old General laid himself
+down on the grass, and asked the sainted lady if
+she could give him any information relative to the subterraneous
+passage? The Abbess replied in the affirmative,
+adding a number of particulars concerning what
+she and her pious sisters had seen,&mdash;and fancied they
+had seen&mdash;heard, and fancied they had heard.</p>
+
+<p>"So God and St. Vitus help me!" exclaimed the
+governor, "I will myself make an attempt to descend
+into the cavern; give me a lighted, consecrated torch."</p>
+
+<p>The burgomaster crossed himself all over. A cold
+shivering seized him; the only vault into which he had
+been accustomed to descend, was the town-cellar, which
+was haunted by none but <i>choice spirits</i>, with which he
+was familiar.</p>
+
+<p>The lady Abbess entreated the old man not to undertake
+so rash an enterprize; and assured him, that the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span>
+spirits of former times, unlike those of the present day,
+would not allow themselves to be sported with. But
+in arguing with the brave old General, they talked to
+the wind which blew over the Baltic. The consecrated
+torches were brought, the corpulent General repeated
+an Ave-Maria, recommended himself to St. Vitus, his
+protecting Saint, and courageously entered the mysterious
+passage. The sound of his feet was still heard
+on the steps; his breathing was still audible, and the
+glimmer of his torch played on the damp walls. On a
+sudden all was silent, and the light disappeared. The
+listeners above were on the stretch of attention. Gothard
+was stationed on the upper step; the burgomaster
+a few paces further back; and behind him stood the
+Abbess, her rosary running through her fingers. They
+listened, but all was still! "Holloa there, John of
+Mengden!&mdash;how fare you?" thundered the voice of
+Gothard; yet all was still as the grave. The listeners
+were alarmed; they inclined their ears; they stood
+lightly on tip-toe; they restrained their breath&mdash;not a
+sound ascended. The cavern yawned before them, and
+all was silent below; "Holy St. Bridget! what can have
+happened? Let the priests be summoned, and mass be
+said, to appease the spirits!"</p>
+
+<p>The lady Abbess hastened to the convent, rang the
+chapel-bell, when all the pious sisterhood hurried from
+their cells, fell upon their bare knees, chastizing themselves,
+and praying to heaven for mercy towards the old
+General. The burgomaster threw himself upon his
+horse, and trotted back to the town to impart the terrible
+news to his wife, children and domestics. Gothard,
+who was a courageous knight, alone remained, absorbed
+in gloomy reflection, leaning against the wall, with his
+eyes fixed on the darkness beneath. Thus he continued<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span>
+during two hours. At last he thought he heard on
+the steps some one breathing and struggling.&mdash;"John
+of Mengden!" he vociferated&mdash;"are you alive, or
+dead?"&mdash;"I am alive!" replied the General, half breathless,
+as he stumbled up the steps. "Thanks to God
+and St. Bridget!&mdash;we have been in agony on your account.
+Where have you been? What have you heard
+or seen?" The General then related that he had quietly
+descended, with the consecrated taper in his hand;
+that his heart beat a little as he advanced; that a cold
+shiver had begun to seize him; but that he took courage,
+as his taper burnt always clear and bright: that
+at length he stood on the bottom step, and looked down
+an endless passage, doubtful whether, under the protection
+of St. Bridget, he should move forward or backward;
+that suddenly he was surrounded by a lukewarm
+breeze, mild and fragrant, as if wafted over a
+bed of flowers, which in a moment extinguished his
+taper, and so clouded his senses, that he sunk like a
+dead man on the steps, and then lay a considerable
+time in a sort of trance; that at last he awoke again,
+and it appeared to him as if he were gently moved by
+a warm hand, though he knew not where he was, nor
+what had happened to him; that he stretched out his
+hands, and felt nothing but the cold stone; but that,
+as a little daylight glimmered upon him from above, he
+composed his spirits, and began to creep with difficulty
+up the steps; that when on them he was perfectly recovered,
+feeling only a slight oppression in the head,
+similar to the effect of intoxication.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, brother," said he to the lord-marshal, "will
+not you also make the attempt, and try whether it will
+not succeed better with you."</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Gothard of Plettenberg demurred: notwithstanding
+he never feared, in former times, a knight of flesh and
+bone, as long as he was able to wield his sword; yet,
+with respect to ghosts, a very just exception was allowed;
+and a knight might tremble in the dark like an old
+woman, without any stain upon his honor, or impeachment
+of his valour. Now a days, the matter is quite
+altered, and a man may fear any thing but ghosts.</p>
+
+<p>"By my sword," said the governor, as he was returning
+home, "I will investigate the causes of this
+mystery. I must know from whose mouth proceeded the
+gentle breath, that smelt fragrant as the plants of the
+east, and yet had force enough to extinguish the flame
+of the consecrated taper, and even to confuse my head,
+as though I had been drunk."</p>
+
+<p>He instantly sent for Henry of Uxkull, bishop of
+Revel, and the Abbot of Pardis. Being arrived, they
+were entertained at a large oak table, and quaffed wine
+from the family goblet. They listened to the fearful
+story of their host, with their fat hands folded upon their
+huge bellies, and shook their heads with significant
+silence.</p>
+
+<p>Having well weighed the matter, knitted their brows
+and assumed an air of importance, they finally agreed
+<i>that they knew not what to think of it</i>. Each then waddled
+to his home and thought no more of the mysterious
+cavern.</p>
+
+<p>But it was not so with the General. He could not
+rest. His fancy was on the rack, to account for the
+mystery. On the next morning, he despatched letters
+to the Archbishop of Riga, to a learned canon, and two
+pious deans of the holy church of Riga&mdash;stating "that
+a surprising incident had obliged him to have recourse<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span>
+to their piety and wisdom, and entreating that they
+would be at Revel on St. Egidius's day, to discuss in
+christian humility this weighty affair."</p>
+
+<p>They came on the appointed day: for they were
+aware that the cellar of the Governor contained excellent
+wine, and that his was no niggard hospitality. The
+archbishop of Revel, and the Abbot of Pardis, were
+likewise invited to assist, who failed not at the proper
+hour to present themselves at the castle. An elegant
+repast had been prepared for them, bumpers went cheerily
+round to the prosperity of Holy Church, and to
+the perpetual bloom of the German order of religion.</p>
+
+<p>When their spiritual stomachs were sufficiently
+gorged, the General thus addressed them: "Reverend
+and pious fathers! thus and thus it happened to me
+and my friend here, Gothard of Plettenberg," recounting
+his story&mdash;"What is to be done to liberate the
+spirits who wander and breathe in the subterraneous
+passage?"</p>
+
+<p>"They must be driven out by force," replied the
+archbishop of Riga, "and the power to do this was
+given to bishops from above."</p>
+
+<p>"A wisp of hay should be steeped in holy water,"
+added the canon, "with which the steps of the dark
+passage should be sprinkled."</p>
+
+<p>One of the deans advised that "the little chest with
+the Egyptian hieroglyphics, which was kept as a relic
+in the convent of St. Bridget, should be taken to the
+cavern."</p>
+
+<p>The other dean was of opinion that the spirits should
+be allowed to continue without molestation so long as
+they only wandered and breathed.</p>
+
+<p>The archbishop of Revel was also of the same sentiment,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span>
+but the Abbot of Pardis applauded this idea of
+the Egyptian hieroglyphics.</p>
+
+<p>Last of all, the old General proposed that they should
+immediately ride to the beach, and employ the arms of
+the church against the inhabitants of the subterraneous
+passage. The wine had imparted its spirit to the holy
+fathers; and they now felt courage to engage, if necessary,
+even with the fiends of hell.</p>
+
+<p>Within half an hour they were at the convent gate!</p>
+
+<p>Three times were the consecrated torches borne
+round by the archbishop, who, muttering between his
+teeth, dipped the wisp into a large ewer of holy water,
+and plentifully besprinkled all present. Thus spiritually
+armed, they silently and cautiously approached
+the entrance of the cavern. Here a question arose,
+"who should go down first?" Those who were at home
+were unwilling to rob the strangers of the honor of precedence.
+The deans drew back, as being merely subalterns
+in the church, out of respect to their bishop.
+The archbishop bowed to the right learned canon, and
+he bowed to the rest. The General became impatient,
+and forced the archbishop down the steps. The rest
+followed with beating hearts and tottering knees.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" >
+   <a name="i_061" id="i_061"></a>
+   <img src="images/i_061.jpg" alt="Priests falling down a stair" title="Priests falling down a stair" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Each carried in his hand a consecrated taper; and
+with a rosary hanging at his elbow, sprinkled the walls
+with drops of holy water. The last of the procession was
+the Abbot of Pardis, who, grown unwieldy by the luxurious
+diet of the church, could scarcely drag his short
+puffed legs after his fat and bulky paunch. The steps
+too were not only small, but damp and slippery;
+whence it happened, that on the second step the Abbot
+lost his footing, and falling with his whole weight upon
+Henry of Uxkull, they both fell upon the last dean:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span>
+all three on the first dean; all four on the canon; all
+five upon the archbishop of Riga; when the whole
+troop rolled helter skelter down the steps, and plumped
+to the bottom like so many sacks, there remaining
+senseless! The consecrated tapers were extinguished,
+and the venerable group were veiled by a sort of Egyptian
+darkness. The General, who remained above,
+heard the tremendous rumbling, to which succeeded a
+dead silence. For two hours he listened, called on
+each by name, and waited in vain for a reply. His voice
+alone was returned to him in a dull and hollow echo.
+The only sound which met his eager listening, was
+that of the terrified bat, flitting in the depths of the
+cavern; or, at intervals, the scream of the frightened
+owl.</p>
+
+<p>He was a man of uncommon courage, and he resolved
+to descend once more himself, to see what was become
+of his guests; but as a prelude to this perilous
+expedition, he determined to enliven his natural spirits
+by a draught of generous wine. As he vociferated&mdash;"a
+cup of wine," to the groom who held his horse, the
+word <span class="smcap">Wine</span> reached the ears of the holy men&mdash;they disentangled
+themselves from each other, scrambled up,
+their foreheads bedewed with the sweat of terror, and
+when they had recovered themselves, they confessed
+unanimously <i>that they were not able to unravel the mystery</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Thus ended the second attempt to gain a more intimate
+acquaintance with the spirits of the subterraneous
+passage, and thenceforward no one was bold enough to
+tread the magic ground.</p>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><a name="POINT_X" id="POINT_X">POINT X.</a></h2>
+
+<h3>A VISIT WITHOUT FORM.</h3>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" >
+   <a name="i_068" id="i_068"></a>
+   <img src="images/i_068.jpg" alt="Man sneaking in a window" title="Man sneaking in a window" />
+</div>
+
+<p>When the Cardinal Bernis resided at Rome in the
+capacity of Ambassador from France, he bore the highest
+character for sanctity&mdash;yet the Cardinal was a man,
+though a churchman; and churchmen are sometimes not
+invulnerable to the shafts of love. A pair of speaking
+black eyes like those of the Princess B., have before
+now made sad havoc in the heart of the votary of celibacy.
+The lady was conscious of her own charms,
+but being married to the man she loved, instead of
+setting them off by certain little man&#339;uvres which some
+ladies perfectly understand how to put in practice, she
+carefully avoided giving any encouragement to the Cardinal,
+whose constant attendance upon her began to give
+her some uneasiness. At length the Cardinal, finding
+that his visits, attentions, <i>cadeaux</i>, and fine speeches had
+no effect, determined upon seeking an opportunity of
+making the lady sensible of the excess of his passion.
+One morning the Princess, on returning from mass, in
+her haste to avoid a violent shower of rain, tripped as
+she was getting out of her carriage, and sprained her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span>
+ancle. The Cardinal, who by his spies was informed
+of every step the Princess took, had attended at mass
+also; and as he was following the Princess, unobserved,
+he saw the accident and ran to her assistance, raised
+her into the carriage, and very humbly entreated her to
+allow him the honour of seeing her safe home. His
+Excellency was not to be refused consistently with
+etiquette, so the poor Princess was under the necessity
+of hearing all the pretty things the Ambassador had
+reserved for the occasion. All his protestations and entreaties
+proved fruitless, and the poor lady arrived at
+the palace almost exhausted with the alarm the conversation
+had caused her. She now endeavoured with
+all care to avoid receiving the Cardinal's visits, but the
+old gentleman's amorous plans were not to be thwarted.&mdash;He
+still found means of seeing her, and again
+attacked her with his vows and protestations, so that the
+lady, unable to bear it any longer, determined to inform
+the Prince, and related to him all the circumstances of
+the affair. The Prince was enraged, and threatened
+all kinds of vengeance against the lover; but however,
+when the first burst of passion had a little subsided, he
+said to her, "We are, my love, in a very aukward
+situation, for the Cardinal being Ambassador his person
+is sacred; besides we should have the whole consistory
+and his holiness at their head, thundering excommunication
+upon us. However, I will think of some
+scheme of cooling the passion of this holy gentleman."
+He accordingly suggested that she should write word
+to the Cardinal, that as her husband was going that evening
+to his Villa near Tivoli, to order some improvement
+to be made which would detain him the best part of next
+day, she had determined to admit a visit from him; but
+that in order to keep the matter a secret from the servants,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span>
+she desired him to come at midnight; that she
+would fix a silken ladder at her room window which
+looked into the garden, whence he might easily ascend
+into the anti-room, where he would find the door open
+that led into her own room. The reader will naturally
+conceive the transports which this delicious billet
+excited in the worthy Cardinal. He danced, and leaped
+and capered about for joy, rang the bell, gave contradictory
+orders, and convinced his valet that he was
+mad. He had the sense however to direct a suit of his
+finest linen to be prepared, and to countermand the
+order for his carriage, for he bethought himself he had
+better go privately. How tedious did the hours, which
+intervened before the time of appointment, appear to
+our ardent lover, and when the clock struck eleven he
+could no longer wait. It was a good distance, he must
+be there in time, not a second too late; therefore off he
+set after taking some precautions against his sacred
+person being discovered. He arrives, panting with love
+and hope; the burning of Mongibello could scarcely
+exceed the conflagration within him. He gets to the
+garden-gate. One cannot think of every thing. The
+Princess in her flurry had forgotten to order the garden-gate
+to be left open. What was to be done? The wall
+was not high; but must his Eminence endanger his
+sacred person? Love, however, the sovereign ruler, who
+makes even cowards heroes, animated him. It was
+dreadfully dark; but luckily, in feeling for the height
+of the wall, the anxious lover found an aperture in it
+large enough to admit the foot: into this he stepped,
+gave a spring, and got to the top; and then slid down
+the other side, not however without losing his hat and
+cloak, which owing to the darkness of the night he
+could not find again, nor was he aware, for the same<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span>
+reason, how he was daubed with mortar and brick-dust.
+In this pickle, our Adonis made the best of his way to
+find the ladder, tumbling over orange-trees and rosebushes,
+to the manifest injury of his cassock, which
+began to hang about him in rags. At last he reached
+the ladder, seized hold of it, stopped, panted a while
+for breath, and then up he went. He had just got one
+leg through the window, when the two large folding
+doors of the apartment flew open, and fifteen or twenty
+servants with lighted torches in their hands presented
+themselves before him. The Prince, at their head, ran
+up to the window, and with all courtesy helped in the
+astonished Cardinal, and turning to the servants said,
+"Scoundrels! is it thus you pay respect to the sacred
+person of the Cardinal Bernis? Is it thus, by your negligence,
+that you compel his Eminence, when coming
+to my wife, to venture his precious life upon a slight
+ladder and force him through the window in this miserable
+plight?" Conceive the situation of the bald-pated,
+cloakless, and tattered Cardinal, as he stood
+ashamed and terrified before the jeering Prince and his
+twenty torchbearers. His trembling knees could scarcely
+support him, as, half dead with fright, shame, and disappointment,
+he sneaked out of the room, still lighted
+by the torches and bowed out by the Prince, who continued
+to apologize for the carelessness of his servants,
+much to the annoyance of the poor Cardinal, whose
+misery was heightened by one stroke more; for, as he
+was huddling off, he just caught the face of the Princess,
+peeping through the opening of a door with some
+friends, all almost convulsed with laughter.</p>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" >
+   <a name="i_070" id="i_070"></a>
+   <img src="images/i_070.jpg" alt="Dog cowering away" title="Dog cowering away" />
+</div>
+
+<h6>LONDON:<br />
+Printed by D. S. Maurice, Fenchurch Street.</h6>
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+
+
+<h2><a name="Works_Illustrated_by_George_Cruikshank" id="Works_Illustrated_by_George_Cruikshank"><span class="oldenglish">Works Illustrated by George Cruikshank.</span></a></h2>
+
+<h6>PUBLISHED BY JAMES ROBINS AND CO.</h6>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="center">GERMAN POPULAR STORIES,</p>
+
+<p class="center">Collected by <span class="smcap">MM. Grimm</span>, from Oral Tradition. Fourth Edition, with 12 Etchings by
+<span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>, price 7s.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>'This Book ought to be in the possession of the man as a curiosity, and of the child as an amusement.'&mdash;New
+Monthly Magazine.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="center">A SECOND VOLUME OF GERMAN POPULAR STORIES,</p>
+
+<p class="center">Illustrated by <span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>, price 7s.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>'Of the first volume of this entertaining publication we spoke very favorably; and what with the German
+varieties in this sequel of well known nursery tales, and the clever designs of George Cruikshank, certain it is
+this volume the second deserves almost equal praise.'&mdash;Literary Gazette.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="center">POINTS OF HUMOUR,</p>
+
+<p>Illustrated by a Series of Designs, by <span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>, on Copper and Wood. Parts
+1 and 2, Royal 8vo. price 8s.; coloured 12s. 6d.: and India proofs 12s. 6d. each.</p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="center">GREENWICH HOSPITAL,</p>
+
+<p>A Series of <span class="smcap">Naval Sketches</span>, descriptive of the Life of a Man-of-War's-Man, by an <span class="smcap">Old
+Sailor</span>. Printed in demy 4to. with Twelve characteristic Illustrations on Copper by <span class="smcap">George
+Cruikshank</span>, coloured in Costume, in addition to numerous Engravings on Wood, price
+One Guinea, boards.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>'In compliment to the inexhaustible talent and drollery of George Cruikshank, we have put this article at
+the head of our department of the Fine Arts; and it well deserves that grace. Yet it must not be fancied
+that we mean to derogate from the literary merits of the "Old Sailor," whose Smollet-like humour and genuine
+nautical characteristics so often occupied that portion of the Literary Gazette in which we endeavour to lighten
+and enliven its graver pages. Indeed, these Tales (or the far greater number of them) now so cleverly brought
+together, were originally printed in our columns; where they obtained so much popularity, as to lead
+to their being republished in this collected form, with the addition of the artist's merry, grotesque, and laughable
+designs.'&mdash;Literary Gazette.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="center">MORE MORNINGS AT BOW STREET,</p>
+
+<p>A New Series of the most humorous and entertaining Reports, by <span class="smcap">John Wight</span>, of the Morning
+Herald. With a Frontispiece and twenty-five Illustrations by <span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>.
+10s. 6d. A few copies are printed on India paper, price 15s.</p>
+
+<p>India and plain impressions of the Cuts may be had separately, price 10s. 6d. and 6s.</p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="center">TALES OF IRISH LIFE,</p>
+
+<p>Illustrative of the Manners, Customs, and Condition of the People, collected during a residence
+of several years in various parts of Ireland, with Illustrations by <span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>.
+In 2 vols, price 12s.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>'There is much matter worthy of earnest national attention in these fictions; while, at the same time, they
+are characteristic and amusing'&mdash;Literary Gazette.</p>
+
+<p>'The designs of George Cruikshank, in this work, are sufficient to render any tales immortal.'&mdash;British Press.</p>
+
+<p>'A hue of nature pervades them&mdash;an air of reality invests them;&mdash;life, actual life, is stamped upon the incidents
+and upon the characters.'&mdash;Dublin Morning Register.</p>
+
+<p>'These volumes are calculated to do much good.'&mdash;Dublin and London Magazine.</p>
+
+<p>'We recommend the whole to the perusal of our readers, as highly worthy of their attention.'&mdash;Critical Gazette.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="center">HANS OF ICELAND,</p>
+
+<p>A Tale, with four highly finished Etchings by <span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>. Price 7s. 6d.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Some say this monster was a witch,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Some say he was a devil.'&mdash;Dragon of Wantley.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<blockquote>
+
+<p>'Really Hans of Iceland is altogether one of the best productions of its class which we have seen. There is a
+power about it resembling one of Fuseli's pictures, and Cruikshank's designs are capital.'&mdash;Literary Gazette.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="center">THE HUMOURIST:</p>
+
+<p>A Chaste Collection of Entertaining Tales, Anecdotes, Epigrams, Witty Sayings, &amp;c. Original
+and Selected. Embellished with Forty coloured Plates, Drawn and Engraved by
+<span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>. In Four Volumes, 5s each.</p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="center">ECCENTRIC TALES,</p>
+
+<p>From the German of <span class="smcap">W. F. Von Kosewitz</span>. Embellished with twenty coloured Illustrations
+by <span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>, from Sketches by <span class="smcap">Alfred Crowquill</span>. Price 15s.</p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="center">MEMOIRS OF THE LIFE AND WRITINGS OF LORD BYRON,</p>
+
+<p class="center">by <span class="smcap">Geo. Clinton, Esq.</span> with a Portrait and Forty illustrations, by <span class="smcap">Geo. Cruikshank</span>.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chap" />
+<div class="fn">
+
+<h2><a name="FOOTNOTES" id="FOOTNOTES">FOOTNOTES:</a></h2>
+
+
+<div class="footnote">
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> The bat.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote">
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_2_2" id="Footnote_2_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_2_2"><span class="label">[2]</span></a> A whiskey house.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote">
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_3_3" id="Footnote_3_3"></a><a href="#FNanchor_3_3"><span class="label">[3]</span></a> Frolic.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote">
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_4_4" id="Footnote_4_4"></a><a href="#FNanchor_4_4"><span class="label">[4]</span></a> Superfluous rags.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote">
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_5_5" id="Footnote_5_5"></a><a href="#FNanchor_5_5"><span class="label">[5]</span></a> A plate for receiving alms.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote">
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_6_6" id="Footnote_6_6"></a><a href="#FNanchor_6_6"><span class="label">[6]</span></a> A man who travels the country, with his wares on the back of a
+horse or ass.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote">
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_7_7" id="Footnote_7_7"></a><a href="#FNanchor_7_7"><span class="label">[7]</span></a> Wench.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote">
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_8_8" id="Footnote_8_8"></a><a href="#FNanchor_8_8"><span class="label">[8]</span></a> Rafters.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote">
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_9_9" id="Footnote_9_9"></a><a href="#FNanchor_9_9"><span class="label">[9]</span></a> Deepest recess.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote">
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_10_10" id="Footnote_10_10"></a><a href="#FNanchor_10_10"><span class="label">[10]</span></a> A sturdy raw-boned dame.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote">
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_11_11" id="Footnote_11_11"></a><a href="#FNanchor_11_11"><span class="label">[11]</span></a> The gallows.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote">
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_12_12" id="Footnote_12_12"></a><a href="#FNanchor_12_12"><span class="label">[12]</span></a> While I rub a horse-hair bow upon cat-gut.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote">
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_13_13" id="Footnote_13_13"></a><a href="#FNanchor_13_13"><span class="label">[13]</span></a> Tinker.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote">
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_14_14" id="Footnote_14_14"></a><a href="#FNanchor_14_14"><span class="label">[14]</span></a> Haunches.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote">
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_15_15" id="Footnote_15_15"></a><a href="#FNanchor_15_15"><span class="label">[15]</span></a> A well known kind of whiskey.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote">
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_16_16" id="Footnote_16_16"></a><a href="#FNanchor_16_16"><span class="label">[16]</span></a> Promised.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote">
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_17_17" id="Footnote_17_17"></a><a href="#FNanchor_17_17"><span class="label">[17]</span></a> The multitude.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote">
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_18_18" id="Footnote_18_18"></a><a href="#FNanchor_18_18"><span class="label">[18]</span></a> Opened.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote">
+
+<p><a name="Footnote_19_19" id="Footnote_19_19"></a><a href="#FNanchor_19_19"><span class="label">[19]</span></a> Rags.</p></div>
+
+</div>
+
+<div class="tn">
+
+<h2><a name="Transcribers_Notes" id="Transcribers_Notes">Transcriber's Notes:</a></h2>
+
+<ul class="corrections">
+<li>Obvious punctuation and spelling errors have been fixed throughout.</li>
+</ul></div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Points of Humour, Part 1 (of 2), by Anonymous
+
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+</body>
+</html>
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