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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44518 ***
+
+POINTS OF HUMOUR, Part II.
+
+By Anonymous
+
+By The Designs Of GEORGE CRUIKSHANK
+
+Ten Engravings of Copper, Twelve Wood Cuts
+
+1824
+
+
+                  " Let me play the fool:
+         With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come;
+               And let my liver rather heat with wine,
+         Than my heart cool with mortifying groans.
+
+         Why should a man, whose blood is warm within,
+               Sit like his grandsire, cut in alabaster?
+         Sleep when he wakes? and creep into the jaundice
+               By being peevish?"
+
+                                         Shakspeare
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE.
+
+The best preface to _this_ set of the Points of Humour is the _former_
+set, which, we are credibly informed, has favorably disposed the
+muscles of our readers for repeating a certain cackling sound, which is
+heart-food to our friend George Cruikshank.
+
+One individual, for certain, has laughed over these Points, and he is
+a very worthy gentleman, who may be, discerned wedging his way through
+sundry piles of books in a remarkable part of Newgate-street, being
+opposite to the huge prison of that name. No one ever asked him after
+the sale of this little work, without observing an instantaneous
+distension of that feature of the face which is used for more purposes
+than merely grinning. It is to be devoutly hoped that this second set
+will not spoil his merriment, and that, as rather a coarse saying goes,
+"he will not be made to sing to another tune."
+
+The author, collector, compiler, editor, writer, or whatever name the
+daily or weekly critics may give him, for they have given him all these,
+will, undoubtedly, be heartily sorry should this change take place,
+for he avows that since the publication of the Points, the face of
+the worthy gentleman alluded to has been illuminated by one unclouded
+sunshine, so much so, indeed, that to enter his shop has been a constant
+resource against melancholy during this gloomy weather. A face lighted
+up with good humour in a dark shop, is like a blaze of light in the
+middle of one of Rembrandt's murky pictures.
+
+It will be seen that the compiler has taken a hint, or rather _followed_
+a hint of one of the critics upon this little book. He has resorted for
+part of his materials, to the author, who is the richest of all in the
+humour of _situation_. Fielding has been suggested; but though some
+things, excellent in their kind, might be found in him, yet it will be
+observed, on a more accurate consideration, that this admirable author
+is infinitely less adapted to the pencil of Cruikshank, than his
+successor in the walk of humour. Fielding is a master in the power of
+laying open all the springs which regulate the motion of that curious
+piece of mechanism, the human heart. He wrote with the inspiration
+of genius, and is true to nature in her minutest circumstances. He
+involuntarily and unconsciously catches the look, the word, the gesture,
+which would undoubtedly have manifested itself, and which is in itself a
+strong gleam of light upon the whole character. His _dramatis personae_
+are not, generally, very extraordinary people.--He dealt in that which
+is _common_ to all. While, on the contrary, Smollett is rich in
+that which is uncommon and eccentric. His field is among oddities,
+hobby-horses, foibles, and singularities of all kinds, which he groups
+in the most extraordinary manner, and colours for the most striking
+effect. We read Fielding with a satisfied smile, but it is over the page
+of Smollett that the loud laugh is heard to break forth.--How much at
+home our artist is in the conception of Smollett may be seen in the
+following, plates.
+
+It has been said that it is a pity Mr. Cruikshank should waste his
+talents upon ephemeral anecdotes, and not hand down his name by
+illustrating the works of our great Novelists. As well might it have
+been said to these great Novelists, "confine yourselves to commenting
+upon, or translating Cervantes or Le Sage." Genius consecrates and
+immortalizes all it touches.--If the tales or anecdotes be ephemeral,
+the plates will stamp them for a good old age. Hogarth did not paint
+his _Rake's Progress_ in illustration of any immortal work, nor does it
+require a set of octavo volumes to remind posterity of his existence.
+
+A similar excuse may apply to Cruikshank, who, generally, would chuse
+rather to exalt the humble, than endow the rich.
+
+We have an observation to make respecting one of the plates, the last
+in the order. It will be seen that the costume of the characters
+there pourtrayed, is essentially different from that adopted by every
+illustrator of Shakspeare. This has not been done unadvisedly. The
+proper authorities have been in this, as in other cases, diligently
+consulted, and it has appeared that these artists, in their endeayour to
+discover the dress of our ancestors, have stopped short at the reign of
+Charles II., instead of penetrating to that of Henry V.
+
+March, 1824.
+
+
+
+
+POINT I. THE THREE HUNCHBACKS.
+
+At a short distance from Douai, there stood a castle on the bank of a
+river near a bridge. The master of this castle was hunchbacked. Nature
+had exhausted her ingenuity in the formation of his whimsical figure.
+In place of understanding, she had given him an immense head, which
+nevertheless was lost between his two shoulders: he had thick hair, a
+short neck, and a horrible visage.
+
+Spite of his deformity, this bugbear bethought himself of falling
+in love with a beautiful young woman, the daughter of a poor but
+respectable burgess of Douai. He sought her in marriage, and as he was
+the richest person in the district, the poor girl was delivered up to
+him. After the nuptials he was as much an object of pity as she, for,
+being devoured by jealousy, he had no tranquillity night nor day, but
+went prying and rambling every where, and suffered no stranger to enter
+the castle.
+
+One day during the Christmas festival, while standing sentinel at his
+gate, he was accosted by three humpbacked minstrels. They saluted him as
+a brother, as such asked him for refreshments, and at the same time, to
+establish the fraternity, they ostentatiously shouldered their humps
+at him. Contrary to expectation, he conducted them to his kitchen, gave
+them a capon with peas, and to each a piece of money over and above.
+Before their departure, however, he warned them never to return on pain
+of being thrown into the river. At this threat of the Chatelain the
+minstrels laughed heartily and took the road to the town, singing in
+full chorus, and dancing in a grotesque manner, in derision of their
+brother-hump of the castle. He, on his part, without paying farther
+attention, went to walk in the fields.
+
+[Illustration: 012]
+
+The lady, who saw her husband cross the bridge, and had heard the
+minstrels, called them back to amuse her. They had not been long
+returned to the castle, when her husband knocked at the gate, by which
+she and the minstrels were equally alarmed. Fortunately, the lady
+perceived in a neighbouring room three empty coffers. Into each of these
+she stuffed a minstrel, shut the covers, and then opened the gate to her
+husband. He had only come back to espy the conduct of his wife as usual,
+and, after a short stay, went out anew, at which you may believe his
+wife was not dissatisfied. She instantly ran to the coffers to release
+her prisoners, for night was approaching and her husband would not
+probably be long absent. But what was her dismay, when she found them
+all three suffocated!
+
+[Illustration: 013]
+
+Lamentation, however, was useless. The main object now was to get rid of
+the dead bodies, and she had not a moment to lose. She ran then to the
+gate, and seeing a peasant go by, she offered him a reward of thirty
+livres, and leading him into the castle, she took him to one of the
+coffers, and shewing him its contents, told him he must throw the dead
+body into the river: he asked for a sack, put the carcase into it,
+pitched it over the bridge, and then returned quite out of breath to
+claim the promised reward.
+
+"I certainly intended to satisfy you," said the lady, "but you ought
+first to fulfil the condition of the bargain--you have agreed to rid
+me of the dead body, have you not? There, however, it is still." Saying
+this, she showed him the other coffer in which, the second humpbacked
+minstrel had expired. At this sight the clown was perfectly
+confounded--"how the devil! come back! a sorcerer!"--he then stuffed the
+body into the sack and threw it, like the other, over the bridge, taking
+care to put the head down and to observe that it sank.
+
+Meanwhile the lady had again changed the position of the coffers, so
+that the third was now in the place which had been successively occupied
+by the two others. When the peasant returned, she shewed him the
+remaining dead body--"you are right, friend," said she, "he must be
+a magician, for there he is again." The rustic gnashed his teeth
+with rage. "What the devil! am I to do nothing but carry about this
+humpback?" He then lifted him up, with dreadful imprecations, and having
+tied a stone round the neck, threw him into the middle of the current,
+threatening, if he came out a third time, to despatch him with a cudgel.
+
+The first object that presented itself to the clown, on his way back for
+his reward, was the hunchbacked master of the castle returning from his
+evening walk, and making towards the gate. At this sight the peasant
+could no longer restrain his fury. "Dog of a humpback, are you there
+again?" So saying, he sprung on the Chatelain, threw him over his
+shoulders, and hurled him headlong into the river after the minstrels.
+
+[Illustration: 016]
+
+"I'll venture a wager you have not seen him this last time," said the
+peasant, entering the room where the lady was seated. She answered,
+she had not. "You were not far from it," replied he: "the sorcerer was
+already at the gate, but I have taken care of him--be at your ease--he
+will not come back now."
+
+The lady instantly comprehended what had occurred, and recompensed the
+peasant with much satisfaction.
+
+[Illustration: 017]
+
+
+
+
+POINT II. A RELISH BEFORE DINNER.
+
+When Charles Gustavus, King of Sweden, was besieging Prague, a boor, of
+a most extraordinary visage, desired admittance to his tent; and being
+allowed to enter, he offered, by way of amusement, to devour a large
+hog in his presence. The old general Konigsmark, who stood by the king's
+side, notwithstanding his bravery, had not got rid of the prejudices of
+his childhood, and hinted to his royal master, that the peasant ought to
+be burnt as a sorcerer. "Sir," said the fellow, irritated at the remark,
+"if your majesty will but make that old gentleman take off his sword and
+spurs, I will eat him before I begin the pig." General Konigsmark, who
+had, at the head of a body of Swedes, performed wonders against
+the Austrians, could not stand this proposal, especially as it was
+accompanied by a most hideous expansion of the jaws and mouth. Without
+uttering a word, the veteran turned pale and suddenly ran out of the
+tent, and did not think himself safe till he arrived at his quarters,
+where he remained above twenty-four hours, locked securely, before he
+got rid of the panic which had so strongly seized him.
+
+[Illustration: 018]
+
+[Illustration: 020]
+
+
+
+
+POINT III. THE HAUNTED PHYSICIANS.
+
+A lover, whose mistress was dangerously ill, sought every where for a
+skilful physician in whom he could place confidence, and to whose care
+he might confide a life so dear to him. In the course of his search
+he met with a talisman, by the aid of which spirits might be rendered
+visible. The young man exchanged, for this talisman, half his
+possessions, and having secured his treasure, ran with it to the house
+of a famous physician. Flocking round the door he beheld a crowd of
+shades, the ghosts of those persons whom this physician had killed. Some
+old, some young; some the skeletons of fat old men; some gigantic frames
+of gaunt fellows; some little puling infants and squalling women; all
+joined in menaces and threats against the house of the physician--the
+den of their destroyer--who however peacefully marched through them with
+his cane to his chin, and a grave and solemn air.
+
+[Illustration: 022]
+
+The same vision presented itself, more or less, at the house of every
+physician of eminence. One at length was pointed out to him in a distant
+quarter of the city, at whose door he only perceived two little ghosts.
+"Behold," exclaimed he, with a joyful cry, "the good physician of whom
+I have been so long in search!" The doctor, astonished, asked him how
+he had been able to discover this? "Pardon me," said the afflicted lover
+complacently, "your ability and your reputation are well known to me."
+
+"My reputation!" said the physician, "why I have been in Paris but eight
+days, and in that time I have had but two patients."
+
+"Good God!" involuntarily exclaimed the young man, "and there they are!"
+
+[Illustration: 024]
+
+
+
+
+POINT IV. THE FOUR BLIND BEGGARS.
+
+There was a man, whose name was Backbac; he was blind, and his evil
+destiny reduced him to beg from door to door. He had been so long
+accustomed to walk through the streets alone, that he wanted none to
+lead him: he had a custom to knock at people's doors, and not answer
+till they opened to him. One day he knocked thus, and the master of the
+house, who was alone, cried, "who is there?" Backbac made no answer, and
+knocked a second time: the master of the house asked again and again,
+"who is there?" but to no purpose, no one answered; upon which he
+came down, opened the door, and asked the man what he wanted? "Give me
+something, for Heaven's sake," said Backbac; "you seem to be blind,"
+replied the master of the house; "yes, to my sorrow," answered Backbac.
+"Give me your hand," resumed the master of the house; he did so,
+thinking he was going to give him alms; but he only took him by the hand
+to lead him up to his chamber. Backbac thought he had been carrying
+him to dine with him, as many people had done. When they reached the
+chamber, the man let go his hand, and sitting down, asked him again
+what he wanted? "I have already told you," said Backbac, "that I want
+something for God's sake."
+
+"Good blind man," replied the master of the house, "all that I can do
+for you is to wish that God may restore your sight."
+
+"You might have told me that at the door," replied Backbac, "and not
+have given me the trouble to come up stairs."
+
+"And why, fool," said the man of the house, "do not you answer at first,
+when people ask you who is there? why do you give any body the trouble
+to come and open the door when they speak to you?"--"What will you do
+with me then?" asked Backbac; "I tell you again," said the man of the
+house, "I have nothing to give you."
+
+"Help me down the stairs then, as you brought me up."--"The stairs are
+before you," said the man of the house, "and you may go down by yourself
+if you will." The blind man attempted to descend, but missing a step,
+about the middle of the stairs, fell to the bottom and hurt his head and
+his back: he got up again with much difficulty, and went out, cursing
+the master of the house, who laughed at his fall.
+
+As Backbac went out of the house, three blind men, his companions, were
+going by, knew him by his voice, and asked him what was the matter? He
+told them what had happened; and afterwards said, "I have eaten nothing
+to day; I conjure you to go along with me to my house, that I may take
+some of this money that we four have in common, to buy me something for
+supper." The blind men agreed, and they went home with him.
+
+You must know that the master of the house where Backbac was so ill
+used, was a robber, and of a cunning and malicious disposition; he
+overheard from his window what Backbac had said to his companions, and
+came down and followed them to Backbac's house. The blind men being
+seated, Backbac said to them, "brothers, we must shut the door, and take
+care there be no stranger with us." At this the robber was much
+perplexed; but perceiving a rope hanging down from a beam, he caught
+hold of it, and hung by it while the blind men shut the door, and felt
+about the room with their sticks. When they had done, and had sat down
+again in their places, the robber left his rope, and seated himself
+softly by Backbac: who, thinking himself alone with his blind comrades,
+said to them, "brothers, since you have trusted me with the money, which
+we have been a long time gathering, I will shew you that I am not
+unworthy of the confidence you repose in me. The last time we reckoned,
+you know that we had ten thousand dirhems, and that we put them into ten
+bags: I will shew you that I have not touched one of them;" having so
+said, he put his hand among some old clothes, and taking out the bags
+one after another, gave them to his comrades, saying, "there they are:
+you may judge by their weight that they are whole, or you may tell them
+if you please." His comrades answered, "there was no need, they did not
+mistrust him;" so he opened one of the bags, and took out ten dirhems,
+and each of the other blind men did the like.
+
+Backbac put the bags into their place again; after which, one of the
+blind men said to him, "there is no need to lay out any thing for
+supper, for I have collected as much victuals from good people as will
+serve us all;" at the same time he took out of his bag bread and cheese,
+and some fruit, and putting all upon the table, they began to eat. The
+robber, who sat at Backbac's right hand, picked out the best, and eat
+with them; but, whatever care he took to make no noise, Backbac heard
+his chaps going, and cried out immediately, "We are undone, there is
+a stranger among us!" Having so said, he stretched out his hand, and
+caught hold of the robber by the arm, cried out "_thieves!_" fell upon
+him, and struck him. The other blind men fell upon him in like manner;
+the robber defended himself as well as he could, and being young and
+vigorous, besides having the advantage of his eyes, he swung by the
+hanging rope, and gave furious kicks, sometimes to one, sometimes to
+another, and cried out "_thieves!_" louder than they did.
+
+[Illustration: 029]
+
+The neighbours came running at the noise, broke open the door, and had
+much ado to separate the combatants; but having at last succeeded, they
+asked the cause of their quarrel. Backbac, who still had hold of the
+robber, cried out, "gentlemen, this man I have hold of is a thief, and
+stole in with us on purpose to rob us of the little money we have." The
+thief, who shut his eyes as soon as the neighbours came, feigned himself
+blind, and exclaimed, "gentlemen, he is a liar. I swear to you by
+heavens, and by the life of the caliph, that I am their companion, and
+they, refuse to give me my just share. They have all four fallen upon
+me, and I demand justice." The neighbours would not interfere in their
+quarrel, but carried them all before the judge. When they came before
+the magistrate, the robber, without staying to be examined, cried out,
+still feigning to be blind, "sir, since you are deputed to administer
+justice by the caliph, whom God prosper, I declare to you that we are
+equally criminal, my four comrades and I; but we have all engaged, upon
+oath, to confess nothing except we be bastinadoed; so that if you would
+know our crime, you need only order us to be bastinadoed, and begin with
+me." Backbac would have spoken, but was not allowed to do so, and the
+robber was put under the bastinado.
+
+The robber, being under the bastinado, had the courage to bear twenty or
+thirty blows: when, pretending to be overcome with pain, he first opened
+one eye, and then the other, and crying out for mercy, begged the judge
+would put a stop to the blows. The judge, perceiving that he looked upon
+him with his eyes open, was much surprised, and said to him, "rogue,
+what is the meaning of this miracle?"
+
+"Sir," replied the robber, "I will discover to you an important secret,
+if you will pardon me, and give me, as a pledge that you will keep your
+word, the seal-ring which you have on your finger." The judge consented,
+gave him his ring, and promised him pardon. "Under this promise,"
+continued the robber, "I must confess to you, sir, that I and my four
+comrades do all see very well. We feigned ourselves to be blind, that
+we might freely enter people's houses, and women's apartments, where we
+abuse their weakness. I must farther confess to you, that by this trick
+we have gained together ten thousand dirhems: this day I demanded of
+my partners two thousand that belonged to my share, but they refused,
+because I told them I would leave them, and they were afraid I should
+accuse them. Upon my pressing still to have my share, they fell upon me;
+for which I appeal to those people who brought us before you. I expect
+from your justice, sir, that you will make them deliver me the two
+thousand dirhems which are my due; and if you have a mind that my
+comrades should confess the truth, you must order them three times as
+many blows as I have had, and you will find they will open their eyes as
+well as I have done." Backbac, and the other three blind men, would have
+cleared themselves of this horrid charge, but the judge would not hear
+them; "villains," said he, "do you feign yourselves blind then, and,
+under that pretext of moving their compassion, cheat people, and commit
+such crimes?"
+
+"He is an impostor," cried Backbac, "and we take God to witness that
+none of us can see." All that Backbac could say was in vain, his
+comrades and he received each of them two hundred blows. The judge
+expected them to open their eyes, and ascribed to their obstinacy what
+really they could not do; all the while the robber said to the blind
+men, "_Poor fools that you are, open your eyes, and do not suffer
+yourselves to be beaten to death_." Then addressing himself to the
+judge, said, "I perceive, sir, that they will be maliciously obstinate
+to the last, and will never open their eyes. They wish certainly to
+avoid the shame of reading their own condemnation in the face of every
+one that looks upon them; it were better, if you think fit, to pardon
+them, and to send some person along with me for the ten thousand dirhems
+they have hidden."
+
+The judge consented to give the robber two thousand dirhems, and kept
+the rest himself; and as for Backbac and his three companions, he
+thought he shewed them pity by sentencing them only to be banished.
+
+[Illustration: 032]
+
+
+
+
+POINT V. THE CONSULTATION.
+
+_A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle"_
+
+Among those who frequented the pump-room at Bath, was an old officer,
+whose temper, naturally impatient, was, by repeated attacks of the gout,
+which had almost deprived him of the use of his limbs, sublimated into
+a remarkable degree of virulence and perverseness: he imputed the
+inveteracy of his distemper to the mal-practice of a surgeon who had
+administered to him, while he laboured under the consequences of
+an unfortunate amour; and this supposition had inspired him with an
+insurmountable antipathy to all the professors of the medical art, which
+was more and more confirmed by the information of a friend at London,
+who had told him, that it was a common practice among the physicians at
+Bath to dissuade their patients from drinking the water, that the cure,
+and in consequence their attendance, might be longer protracted.
+
+Thus prepossessed, he had come to Bath, and, conformable to a few
+general instructions he had received, used the waters without any
+farther direction, taking all occasions of manifesting his hatred and
+contempt of the sons of Æsculapius, both by speech and gesticulations,
+and even by pursuing a regimen quite contrary to that which he knew they
+prescribed to others who seemed to be exactly in his condition. But he
+did not find his account in this method, how successful soever it may
+have been in other cases. His complaints, instead of vanishing, were
+every day more and more enraged; and at length he was confined to his
+bed, where he lay blaspheming from morn to night, and from night to
+morn, though still more determined than ever to adhere to his former
+maxims.
+
+In the midst of his torture, which was become the common joke of the
+town, being circulated through the industry of the physicians, who
+triumphed in his disaster, Peregrine, by means of Mr. Pipes, employed a
+country fellow, who had come to market, to run with great haste, early
+one morning, to the lodgings of all the doctors in town, and desire them
+to attend the colonel with all imaginable despatch. In consequence of
+this summons, the whole faculty put themselves in motion; and three
+of the foremost arriving at the same instant of time, far from
+complimenting one another with the door, each separately essayed to
+enter, and the whole triumvirate stuck in the passage; while they
+remained thus wedged together, they descried two of their brethren
+posting towards the same goal, with all the speed that God had enabled
+them to exert; upon which they came to a parley, and agreed to stand
+by one another. This covenant being made, they disentangled themselves,
+and, inquiring about the patient, were told by the servant that he had
+just fallen asleep.
+
+Having received this intelligence, they took possession of his
+antichamber, and shut the door, while the rest of the tribe posted
+themselves on the outside as they arrived; so that the whole passage
+was filled, from the top of the stair-case to the street-door; and the
+people of the house, together with the colonel's servant, struck dumb
+with astonishment. The three leaders of this learned gang had no
+sooner made their lodgement good, than they began to consult about the
+patient's malady, which every one of them pretended to have considered
+with great care and assiduity. The first who gave his opinion said, the
+distemper was an obstinate arthritis; the second affirmed, that it was
+no other than a confirmed lues; and the third swore it was an inveterate
+scurvy. This diversity of opinions was supported by a variety of
+quotations from medical authors, ancient as well as modern; but these
+were not of sufficient authority, or at least not explicit enough, to
+decide the dispute; for there are many schisms in medicine, as well as
+in religion, and each set can quote the fathers in support of the tenets
+they profess. In short, the contention rose to such a pitch of clamour,
+as not only alarmed the brethren on the stair, but also awaked the
+patient from the first nap he had enjoyed in the space of ten whole
+days. Had it been simply waking, he would have been obliged to them
+for the noise that disturbed him; for, in that case, he would have been
+relieved from the tortures of hell fire, to which, in his dream, he
+fancied himself exposed: but this dreadful vision had been the result of
+that impression which was made upon his brain by the intolerable
+anguish of his joints; so that when he waked, the pain, instead of being
+allayed, was rather aggravated, by a great acuteness of sensation; and
+the confused vociferation in the next room invading his ears at the same
+time, he began to think his dream was realized, and, in the pangs of
+despair, applied himself to a bell that stood by his bedside, which he
+rung with great violence and perseverance.
+
+This alarm put an immediate stop to the disputation of the three
+doctors, who, upon this notice of his being awake, rushed into his
+chamber without ceremony; and two of them seizing his arms, the third
+made the like application to one of his temples. Before the patient
+could recollect himself from the amazement which had laid hold on him
+at this unexpected irruption, the room was filled by the rest of the
+faculty, who followed the servant that entered in obedience to his
+master's call; and the bed was in a moment surrounded by these gaunt
+ministers of death. The colonel seeing himself beset with such an
+assemblage of solemn visages and figures, which he had always considered
+with the utmost detestation and abhorrence, was incensed to a most
+inexpressible degree of indignation; and so inspirited by his rage,
+that, though his tongue denied its office, his other limbs performed
+their functions: he disengaged himself from the triumvirate, who had
+taken possession of his body, sprung out of bed with incredible agility,
+and, seizing one of his crutches, applied it so effectually to one of
+the three, just as he stooped to examine the patient's water, that his
+tye-periwig dropped into the pot, while he himself fell motionless on
+the floor.
+
+This significant explanation disconcerted the whole fraternity; every
+man turned his face, as if it were by instinct, towards the door;
+and the retreat of the community being obstructed by the efforts of
+individuals, confusion and tumultuous uproar ensued: for the colonel,
+far from limiting his prowess to the first exploit, handled his weapon
+with astonishing vigour and dexterity, without respect of persons; so
+that few or none of them had escaped without marks of his displeasure,
+when his spirits failed, and he sunk down again quite exhausted on his
+bed.
+
+[Illustration: 037]
+
+Favoured by this respite, the discomfited faculty collected their hats
+and wigs, which had fallen off in the fray; and perceiving the assailant
+too much enfeebled to renew the attack, set up their throats altogether,
+and loudly threatened to prosecute him severely for such an outrageous
+assault.
+
+By this time the landlord had interposed; and inquiring into the
+cause of the disturbance, was informed of what had happened by the
+complainants, who, at the same time, giving him to understand that
+they had been severally summoned to attend the colonel that morning,
+he assured them, that they had been imposed upon by some wag, for his
+lodger had never dreamed of consulting any one of their profession.
+
+Thunderstruck at this declaration, the general clamour instantaneously
+ceased; and each, in particular, at once comprehending the nature of
+the joke, they sneaked silently off with the loss they had sustained, in
+unutterable shame and mortification, while Peregrine and his friend, who
+took care to be passing that way by accident, made a full stop at
+sight of such an extraordinary efflux, and enjoyed the countenance and
+condition of every one as he appeared; nay, even made up to some of
+those who seemed most affected with their situation, and mischievously
+tormented them with questions touching this unusual congregation; then,
+in consequence of the information they received from the landlord and
+the colonel's valet, subjected the sufferers to the ridicule of all the
+company in town.
+
+As it would have been impossible for the authors of the farce to keep
+themselves concealed from the indefatigable inquiries of the physicians,
+they made no secret of their having directed the whole; though they
+took care to own it in such an ambiguous manner as afforded no handle of
+prosecution.
+
+[Illustration: 040]
+
+
+
+
+POINT VI. THE DINNER.
+
+_A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle."_
+
+Peregrine, by his insinuating behaviour, acquired the full confidence
+of the doctor, who invited him to an entertainment, which he intended
+to prepare in the manner of the ancients. Pickle, struck with this idea,
+eagerly embraced the proposal, which he honoured with many encomiums,
+as a plan in all respects worthy of his genius and apprehension; and the
+day was appointed at some distance of time, that the treater might have
+leisure to compose certain pickles and confections, which were not to be
+found among the culinary preparations of these degenerate days.
+
+With a view of rendering the physician's taste more conspicuous,
+and extracting from it more diversion, Peregrine proposed that some
+foreigners should partake of the banquet; and the task being left to
+his care and discretion, he actually bespoke the company of a French
+marquis, an Italian count, and a German baron, whom he knew to be most
+egregious coxcombs, and therefore more likely to enhance the joy of the
+entertainment.
+
+Accordingly, the hour being arrived, he conducted them to the hotel
+where the physician lodged, after having regaled their expectations with
+an elegant meal in the genuine old Roman taste; and they were received
+by Mr. Pallet, who did the honours of the house, while his friend
+superintended the cook below. By this communicative painter, the guests
+understood that the doctor had met with numerous difficulties in
+the execution of his design; that no fewer than five cooks had been
+dismissed, because they could not prevail upon their own consciences to
+obey his directions in things that were contrary to the present practice
+of their art; and that although he had at last engaged a person, by
+an extraordinary premium, to comply with his orders, the fellow was so
+astonished, mortified, and incensed, at the commands he had received,
+that his hair stood on end, and he begged on his knees to be released
+from the agreement he had made; but finding that his employer insisted
+upon the performance of his contract, and threatened to introduce him
+to the commissaire, if he should flinch from the bargain, he had, in the
+discharge of his office, wept, sung, cursed, and capered, for two hours
+without intermission.
+
+While the company listened to this odd information, by which they were
+prepossessed with strange notions of the dinner, their ears were invaded
+by a piteous voice, that exclaimed in French, "For the love of God! dear
+sir! for the passion of Jesus Christ! spare me the mortification of
+the honey and oil!" Their ears still vibrated with the sound, when the
+doctor entering, was by Peregrine made acquainted with the strangers, to
+whom he, in the transports of his wrath, could not help complaining of
+the want of complaisance he had found in the Parisian vulgar, by which
+his plan had been almost entirely ruined and set aside. The French
+marquis, who thought the honour of his nation was concerned at this
+declaration, professed his sorrow for what had happened, so contrary
+to the established character of the people, and undertook to see the
+delinquents severely punished, provided he could be informed of their
+names or places of abode. The mutual compliments that passed on this
+occasion were scarce finished, when a servant coming into the room,
+announced dinner; and the entertainer led the way into another
+apartment, where they found a long table, or rather two boards joined
+together, and furnished with a variety of dishes, the steams of which
+had such evident effect upon the nerves of the company, that the marquis
+made frightful grimaces, under pretence of taking snuff; the Italian's
+eyes watered, the German's visage underwent several distortions of
+feature; our hero found means to exclude the odour from his sense of
+smelling, by breathing only through his mouth; and the poor painter,
+running into another room, plugged his nostrils with, tobacco. The
+doctor himself, who was the only person then present whose organs were
+not discomposed, pointing to a couple of couches placed on each side of
+the table, told his guests that he was sorry he could not procure the
+exact triclinia of the ancients, which were somewhat different from
+these conveniences, and desired they would have the goodness to repose
+themselves without ceremony, each in his respective couchette, while he
+and his friend Mr. Pallet would place themselves upright at the ends,
+that they might have the pleasure of serving those that lay along. This
+disposition, of which the strangers had no previous idea, disconcerted
+and perplexed them in a most ridiculous manner; the marquis and baron
+stood bowing to each other, on pretence of disputing the lower seat,
+but, in reality, with a view of profiting by the example of each other:
+for neither of them understood the manner in which they were to loll;
+and Peregrine, who enjoyed their confusion, handed the count to the
+other side, where, with the most mischievous politeness, he insisted
+upon his taking possession of the upper place.
+
+In this disagreeable and ludicrous suspense, they continued acting a
+pantomime of gesticulations, until the doctor earnestly entreated them
+to wave all compliment and form, lest the dinner should be spoiled
+before the ceremonial could be adjusted. Thus conjured, Peregrine took
+the lower couch on the left-hand side, laying himself gently down, with
+his face towards the table. The marquis, in imitation of this pattern,
+(though he would have much rather fasted three days than run the risk of
+discomposing his dress by such an attitude,) stretched himself, upon the
+opposite place, reclining upon his elbow in a most painful and awkward
+situation, with his head raised above the end of the couch, that the
+economy of his hair might not suffer by the projection of his body. The
+Italian, being a thin limber creature, planted himself next to Pickle,
+without sustaining any misfortune, but that of his stocking being tom
+by a ragged nail of the seat, as he raised his legs on a level with the
+rest of his limbs. But the baron, who was neither so wieldy nor supple
+in his joints as his companions, flounced himself down with such
+precipitation, that his feet, suddenly tilting up, came in furious
+contact with the head of the marquis, and demolished every curl in a
+twinkling, while his own skull, at the same instant, descended upon the
+side of his couch with such violence, that his periwig was struck off,
+and the whole room filled with pulvilio.
+
+The drollery of distress that attended this disaster entirely vanquished
+the affected gravity of our young gentleman, who was obliged to suppress
+his laughter by cramming his handkerchief into his mouth; for the
+bareheaded German asked pardon with such ridiculous confusion, and the
+marquis admitted his apology with such rueful complaisance, as were
+sufficient to awaken the mirth of a quietist.
+
+This misfortune being repaired, as well as the circumstances of
+the occasion would permit, and every one settled according to the
+arrangement already described, the doctor graciously undertook to give
+some account of the dishes as they occurred, that the company might be
+directed in their choice; and, with an air of infinite satisfaction,
+thus began:--"This here, gentlemen, is a boiled goose, served up in a
+sauce composed of pepper, lovage, coriander, mint, rue, anchovies,
+and oil. I wish for your sakes, gentlemen, it was one of the geese of
+Ferrara, so much celebrated among the ancients for the magnitude of
+their livers, one of which is said to have weighed upwards of two
+pounds; with this food, exquisite as it was, did the tyrant Heliogabalus
+regale his hounds. But I beg pardon, I had almost forgot the soup, which
+I hear is so necessary an article at all tables in France. At each
+end there are dishes of the salacacabia of the Romans; one is made of
+parsley, pennyroyal, cheese, pine-tops, honey, vinegar, brine, eggs,
+cucumbers, onions, and hen livers; the other is much the same as the
+soup-maigre of this country. Then there is a loin of boiled veal with
+fennel and carraway seed, on a pottage composed of pickle, oil, honey,
+and flour, and a curious hashis of the lights, liver, and blood of a
+hare, together with a dish of roasted pigeons. Monsieur le Baron, shall
+I help you to a plate of this soup?" The German, who did not at all
+disapprove of the ingredients, assented to the proposal, and seemed to
+relish the composition; while the marquis, being asked by the painter
+which of the sillykickabys he chose, was, in consequence of his desire,
+accommodated with a portion of the soup-maigre; and the count, in
+lieu of spoon meat, of which he said he was no great admirer, supplied
+himself with a pigeon, therein conforming to the choice of our young
+gentleman, whose example he determined to follow through the whole
+course of the entertainment.
+
+The Frenchman, having swallowed the first spoonful, made a full pause,
+his throat swelled as if an egg had stuck in his gullet, his eyes
+rolled, and his mouth underwent a series of involuntary contractions and
+dilations. Pallet, who looked steadfastly at this connoisseur, with a
+view of consulting his taste, before he himself would venture upon the
+soup, began to be disturbed at these emotions, and observed, with some
+concern, that the poor gentleman seemed to be going into a fit; when
+Peregrine assured him, that these were symptoms of ecstacy, and, for
+further confirmation, asked the marquis how he found the soup. It was
+with infinite difficulty that his complaisance could so far master his
+disgust, as to enable him to answer, "altogether excellent, upon my
+honour!" and the painter, being certified of his approbation, lifted the
+spoon to his mouth without scruple; but far from justifying the eulogium
+of his taster, when this precious composition diffused itself upon his
+palate; he seemed to be deprived of all sense and motion, and sat like
+the leaden statue of some river god, with the liquor flowing out at both
+sides of his mouth.
+
+The doctor, alarmed at this indecent phenomenon, earnestly inquired into
+the cause of it; and when Pallet recovered his recollection, and swore
+that he would rather swallow porridge made of burning brimstone than
+such an infernal mess as that which he had tasted, the physician, in
+his own vindication, assured the company, that, except the usual
+ingredients, he had mixed nothing in the soup but some sal ammoniac,
+instead of the ancient nitrum, which could not now be procured;
+and appealed to the marquis, whether such a succedaneum was not an
+improvement on the whole. The unfortunate petit maître, driven to
+the extremity of his condescension, acknowledged it to be a masterly
+refinement; and deeming himself obliged, in point of honour, to evince
+his sentiments by his practice, forced a few more mouthfuls of this
+disagreeable potion down his throat, till his stomach was so much
+offended, that he was compelled to start up of a sudden; and, in the
+hurry of his elevation, overturned his plate into the bosom of the
+baron. The emergency of his occasions would not permit him to stay and
+make apologies for this abrupt behaviour; so that he flew into another
+apartment, where Pickle found him puking, and crossing himself with
+great devotion; and a chair, at his desire, being brought to the door,
+he slipped into it more dead than alive, conjuring his friend Pickle
+to make his peace with the company, and in particular excuse him to the
+baron, on account of the violent fit of illness with which he had been
+seized. It was not without reason that he employed a mediator; for when
+our hero returned to the dining-room, the German had got up, and was
+under the hands of his own lacquey, who wiped the grease from a rich
+embroidered waistcoat, while he, almost frantic with his misfortune,
+stamped upon the ground, and in High Dutch cursed the unlucky banquet,
+and the impertinent entertainer, who all this time, with great
+deliberation, consoled him for the disaster, by assuring him, that the
+damage might be repaired with some oil of turpentine and a hot iron.
+Peregrine, who could scarce refrain from laughing in his face, appeased
+his indignation, by telling him how much the whole company, and
+especially the marquis, was mortified at the accident; and the unhappy
+salacacabia being removed, the places were filled with two pyes, one
+of dormice, liquored with syrup of white poppies, which the doctor
+had substituted in the room of roasted poppy-seed, formerly eaten with
+honey, as a dessert; and the other composed of a hock of pork baked in
+honey.
+
+Pallet, hearing the first of these dishes described, lifted up his hands
+and eyes, and, with signs of loathing and amazement, pronounced, "A
+pye made of dormice and syrup of poppies! Lord in heaven! what beastly
+fellows those Romans were!" His friend checked him for his irreverent
+exclamation with a severe look, and recommended the veal, of which he
+himself cheerfully ate, with such encomiums to the company, that the
+baron resolved to imitate his example, after having called for abumper
+of Burgundy, which the physician, for his sake, wished to have been the
+true wine of Falernum. The painter, seeing nothing else upon the table
+which he would venture to touch, made a merit of necessity, and had
+recourse to the veal also; although he could not help saying, that he
+would not give one slice of the roast beef of Old England for all the
+dainties of a Roman emperor's table. But all the doctor's invitations
+and assurances could not prevail upon his guests to honour the hashis
+and the goose; and that course was succeeded by another, in which he
+told them there were divers of those dishes, which, among the ancients,
+had obtained the appellation of _politeles_, or magnificent. "That
+which smokes in the middle," said he, "is a sow's stomach, filled with a
+composition of minced pork, hog's brains, eggs, pepper, cloves, garlic,
+aniseed, rue, ginger, oil, wine, and pickle. On the right-hand side are
+the teats and belly of a sow, just farrowed, fried with sweet wine, oil,
+flour, lovage, and pepper. On the left is a fricassee of snails, fed, or
+rather purged, with milk. At that end next Mr. Pallet, are fritters of
+pompions, lovage, origanum, and oil; and here are a couple of pullets.
+roasted and stuffed in the manner of Apicius."
+
+[Illustration: 050]
+
+The painter, who had by wry faces testified his abhorrence of the
+sow's stomach, which he compared to a bagpipe, and the snails which had
+undergone purgation, no sooner heard him mention the roasted pullets,
+than he eagerly solicited a wing of the fowl; upon which the doctor
+desired he would take the trouble of cutting them up, and accordingly
+sent them round, while Mr. Pallet tucked the table-cloth under his chin,
+and brandished his knife, and, fork with singular address; but scarce
+were they set down before him, when the tears ran down his cheeks, and
+he called aloud, in manifest disorder,--"Zounds! this is the essence,
+of a whole bed of garlic!" That he might not, however, disappoint or
+disgrace the entertainer, he applied his instruments to one of the
+birds; and, when he opened up the cavity, was assaulted by such an
+irruption of intolerable smells, that, without staying to disengage
+himself from the cloth, he sprung away, with an exclamation of "Lord
+Jesus!" and involved the whole table in havoc, ruin, and confusion.
+
+Before Pickle could accomplish his escape, he was sauced with a syrup of
+the dormice pye, which went to-pieces in the general wreck: and as
+for the Italian count, he was overwhelmed by the sow's stomach, which,
+bursting in the fall, discharged its contents upon his leg and thigh,
+and scalded him so miserably, that he shrieked with anguish, and grinned
+with a most ghastly and horrible aspect.
+
+The baron, who sat secure without the vortex of this tumult, was not at
+all displeased at seeing his companions involved in such a calamity as
+that which he had already shared; but the doctor was confounded with
+shame and vexation. After having prescribed an application of oil to
+the count's leg, he expressed his sorrow for the misadventure, which he
+openly ascribed to want of taste and prudence in the painter, who did
+not think proper to return, and make an apology in person; and protested
+that there was nothing in the fowls which could give offence to a
+sensible nose, the stuffing being a mixture of pepper, loyage, and
+assafotida, and the sauce consisting of wine and herring-pickle, which
+he had used instead of the celebrated _garum_ of the Romans; that famous
+pickle having been prepared sometimes of the _scombri_, which were a
+sort of tunny fish, and sometimes of the _silurus_, or shad fish; nay,
+he observed, that there was a third kind called _garum homation_, made
+of the guts, gills, and blood of the _thynnus_.
+
+The physician, finding it would be impracticable to re-establish the
+order of the banquet, by presenting again the dishes which had been
+discomposed, ordered every thing to be removed, a clean cloth to be
+laid, and the dessert to be brought in.
+
+Meanwhile, he regretted his incapacity to give them a specimen of the
+_alieus_, or fish-meals of the ancients, such as the _jus diabaton_,
+the conger-eel, which, in Galen's opinion, is hard of digestion; the
+_cornuta_, or gurnard, described by Pliny in his Natural History, who
+says, the horns of many were a foot and a half in length; the mullet
+and lamprey, that were in the highest estimation of old, of which
+last Julius Cæsar borrowed six thousand for one triumphal supper. He
+observed, that the manner of dressing them was described by Horace, in
+the account he gives of the entertainment to which Maecenas was invited
+by the epicure Nasiedenus,
+
+     Affertur squillas inter muraena natantes, &c.
+
+and told them, that they were commonly eaten with the _thus Syriacum_,
+a certain anodyne and astringent seed, which qualified the purgative
+nature of the fish. Finally, this learned physician gave them to
+understand, that, though this was reckoned a luxurious dish in the
+zenith of the Roman taste, it was by no means comparable, in point of
+expense, to some preparations in vogue about the time of that absurd
+voluptuary Heliogabalus, who ordered the brains of six hundred ostriches
+to be compounded in one mess.
+
+By this time the dessert appeared, and the company were not a little
+rejoiced to see plain olives in salt and water: but what the master of
+the feast valued himself upon was a sort of jelly, which he affirmed
+to be preferable to the _hypotrimma_ of Hesychius, being a mixture of
+vinegar, pickle, and honey, boiled to a proper consistence, and candied
+assafotida, which he asserted, in contradiction to Aumelbergius and
+Lister, was no other than the _laser Syriacum_, so precious as to be
+sold among the ancients to the weight of a silver penny. The gentlemen
+took his word for the excellency of this gum, but contented themselves
+with the olives, which gave such an agreeable relish to the wine, that
+they seemed very well disposed to console themselves for the disgraces
+they had endured; and Pickle, unwilling to lose the least circumstance
+of entertainment that could be enjoyed in their company, went in quest
+of the painter, who remained in his penitentials in another apartment,
+and could not be persuaded to re-enter the banqueting-room, until
+Peregrine undertook to procure his pardon from those whom he had
+injured. Having assured him of this indulgence, our young gentleman led
+him in like a criminal, bowing on all hands with an air of humility and
+contrition; and particularly addressing himself to the count, to whom
+he swore in English, as God was his Saviour, he had no intent to affront
+man, woman, or child; but was fain to make the best of his way, that he
+might not give the honourable company cause of offence, by obeying the
+dictates of nature in their presence.
+
+When Pickle interpreted this apology to the Italian, Pallet was forgiven
+in very polite terms, and even received into favour by his friend the
+doctor, in consequence of our hero's intercession; so that all the
+guests forgot their chagrin, and paid their respects so piously to
+the bottle, that, in a short time, the champaign produced very evident
+effects in the behaviour of all present.
+
+[Illustration: 054]
+
+
+
+
+POINT VII. THE DUEL.
+
+_A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle"_
+
+The painter betook himself to the house of the Flemish Raphael, and
+the rest of the company went back to their lodgings; where Peregrine,
+taking the advantage of being alone with the physician, recapitulated
+all the affronts he had sustained from the painter's petulance,
+aggravating every circumstance of the disgrace, and advising him, in the
+capacity of a friend, to take care of his honour, which could not fail
+to suffer in the opinion of the world, if he allowed himself to be
+insulted with impunity by one so much his inferior in every degree of
+consideration.
+
+The physician assured him, that Pallet had hitherto escaped
+chastisement, by being deemed an object unworthy his resentment, and
+in consideration of the wretch's family, for which his compassion was
+interested; but that repeated injuries would inflame the most benevolent
+disposition; and although he could find no precedent of duelling among
+the Greeks and Romans, whom he considered as the patterns of demeanour,
+Pallet should no longer avail himself of his veneration for the
+ancients, but be punished for the very, next offence he should commit.
+
+Having thus spirited up the doctor to a resolution from which he could
+not decently swerve, our adventurer acted the incendiary with the other
+party also; giving him to understand, that the physician treated his
+character with such contempt, and behaved to him with such insolence, as
+no gentleman ought to bear: that, for his own part, he was every day put
+out of countenance by their mutual animosity, which appeared in nothing
+but vulgar expressions, more becoming shoe-boys and oyster-women
+than men of honour and education; and therefore he should be obliged,
+contrary to his inclination, to break off all correspondence with them
+both, if they would not fall upon some method to retrieve the dignity of
+their characters.
+
+These representations would have had little effect upon the timidity of
+the painter, who was likewise too much of a Grecian to approve of single
+combat, in any other way than that of boxing, an exercise in which he
+was well skilled, had they not been accompanied with an insinuation,
+that his antagonist was no Hector, and that he might humble him into any
+concession, without running the least personal risk. Animated by this
+assurance, our second Rubens set the trumpet of defiance to his mouth,
+swore he valued not his life a rush, when his honour was concerned, and
+entreated Mr. Pickle to be the bearer of a challenge, which he would
+instantly commit to writing.
+
+The mischievous fomenter highly applauded this manifestation of courage,
+by which he was at liberty to cultivate his friendship and society,
+but declined the office of carrying the billet, that his tenderness of
+Pallet's reputation might not be misinterpreted into an officious desire
+of promoting quarrels. At the same time he recommended Tom Pipes, not
+only as a very proper messenger on this occasion, but also as a trusty
+second in the field. The magnanimous painter took his advice, and,
+retiring to his chamber, penned a challenge in these terms,--
+
+     Sir,--When I am heartily provoked, I fear not the devil
+     himself; much less----I will not call you a pedantic
+     coxcomb, nor an unmannerly fellow, because these are the
+     hippythets of the wulgar: but, remember, such as you are, I
+     nyther love you nor fear you; but, on the contrary, expect
+     satisfaction for your audacious behaviour to me on divers
+     occasions; and will, this evening, in the twilight, meet you
+     on the ramparts with sword and pistol, where the Lord have
+     mercy on the soul of one of us, for your body shall find no
+     favour with your incensed defier, till death.
+
+     'Layman Pallet'
+
+This resolute defiance, after having been submitted to the perusal, and
+honoured with the approbation of our youth, was committed to the charge
+of Pipes, who, according to his orders, delivered it in the afternoon;
+and brought for answer, that the physician would attend him at the
+appointed time and place. The challenger was evidently discomposed at
+the unexpected news of this acceptance, and ran about the house in
+great disorder, in quest of Peregrine, to beg his further advice and
+assistance: but understanding that the youth was engaged in private with
+his adversary, he began to suspect some collusion, and cursed himself
+for his folly and precipitation. He even entertained some thoughts
+of retracting his invitation, and submitting to the triumph of his
+antagonist: but before he would stoop to this opprobrious condescension,
+he resolved to try another expedient, which might be the means of saving
+both his character and person. In this hope he visited Mr. Jolter, and
+very gravely desired he would be so good as to undertake the office
+of his second in a duel which he was to fight that evening with the
+physician.
+
+The governor, instead of answering his expectation, in expressing
+fear and concern, and breaking forth into exclamations of, 'Good God!
+gentlemen! what d'ye mean? You shall not murder one another while it is
+in my power to prevent your purpose.' I will go directly to the governor
+of the place, who shall interpose his authority,' I say, instead
+of these and other friendly menaces of prevention, Jolter heard the
+proposal with the most phlegmatic tranquillity, and excused himself from
+accepting the honour intended for him, on account of his character
+and situation, which would not permit him to be concerned in any such
+rencounters. Indeed this mortifying reception was owing to a previous
+hint from Peregrine, who, dreading some sort of interruption from his
+governor, had made him acquainted with his design, and assured him, that
+the affair should not be brought to any dangerous issue.
+
+Thus disappointed, the dejected challenger was overwhelmed with
+perplexity and dismay; and, in the terrors of death or mutilation,
+resolved to deprecate the wrath of his enemy, and conform to any
+submission he should propose, when he was accidentally encountered by
+our adventurer, who, with demonstrations of infinite satisfaction, told
+him, in confidence, that his billet had thrown the doctor into an agony
+of consternation; that his acceptance of his challenge was a mere effort
+of despair, calculated, to confound the ferocity of the sender, and
+dispose him to listen to terms of accommodation; that he had imparted
+the letter to him, with fear and trembling, on pretence of engaging him
+as a second, but, in reality, with a view of obtaining his good offices
+in promoting a reconciliation; but perceiving the situation of his
+mind,' added our hero, 'I thought it would be more for your honour to
+baffle his expectation, and therefore I readily undertook the task of
+attending him to the field, in full assurance that he will there humble
+himself before you, even to prostration. In this security you may go and
+prepare your arms, and bespeak the assistance of Pipes, who will squire
+you to the field, while I keep myself up, that our correspondence may
+not be suspected by the physician.' Pallet's spirits, that were sunk to
+dejection; rose at this encouragement to all the insolence of triumph;
+he again declared his contempt of danger; and his pistols being loaded
+and accommodated with new flints, by his trusty armour-bearer, he
+waited, without flinching, for the hour of battle.
+
+On the first approach of twilight, somebody knocked at his door,
+and Pipes having opened it at his desire, he heard the voice of his
+antagonist pronounce,--'Tell Mr. Pallet, that I am going to the place
+of appointment.' The painter was not a little surprised at this
+anticipation, which, so ill agreed with the information he had received
+from Pickle; and his concern beginning to recur, he fortified himself
+with a large bumper of brandy, which, however, did not overcome the
+anxiety of his thoughts. Nevertheless, he set out on the expedition with
+his second, betwixt whom and himself the following dialogue passed, in
+their way to the ramparts.--
+
+'Mr. Pipes,' said the painter, with disordered accent, 'methinks the
+doctor was in a pestilent hurry with that message of his.'--'Ey, ey,'
+answered Tom, 'I do suppose he longs to be foul of you.' 'What!' replied
+the other, 'd'ye think he thirsts after my blood?' 'To be sure a does,'
+(said Pipes, thrusting a large quid of tobacco into his cheek with great
+deliberation). 'If that be the case,' cried Pallet, beginning to shake,
+'he is no better than a cannibal, and no Christian ought to fight him
+on equal footing.' Tom observing his emotion, eyed him with a frown of
+indignation, saying,
+
+'You an't afraid, are you?' 'God forbid!' replied the challenger,
+stammering with fear, 'what should I be afraid of? the worst he can do
+is to 'take my life, and then he'll be answerable both to God and man
+for the murder: don't you think he will?'--'I think no such matter,'
+answered the second: 'if so be as how he puts a brace of bullets through
+your bows, and kills you fairly, it is no more murder than if I was to
+bring down a noddy from the main-top-sail-yard.' By this time Pallet's
+teeth chattered with such violence, that he could scarce pronounce this
+reply.--'Mr. Thomas, you seem to make very light of a man's life; but I
+trust in the Almighty I shall not be so easily brought down. Sure many a
+man has fought a duel without losing his life. Do you imagine that I run
+such a hazard of falling by the hand of my adversary?' 'You may or you
+may not,' said the unconcerned Pipes, 'just as it happens. What then!
+death is a debt that every man owes, according to the song; and if you
+set foot to foot, I think one of you must go to pot,' 'Foot to foot!'
+exclaimed the terrified painter, 'that's downright butchery; and I'll
+be damned before I fight any man on earth in such a barbarous way. What!
+d'ye take me to be a savage beast?' This declaration he made while they
+ascended the ramparts. His attendant, perceiving the physician and his
+second at the distance of an hundred paces before them, gave him notice
+of their appearance, and advised him to make ready, and behave like a
+man. Pallet in vain endeavoured to conceal his panic, which discovered
+itself in an universal trepidation of body, and the lamentable tone in
+which he answered this exhortation of Pipes, saying,--'I do behave like
+a man; but you would have me act the part of a brute.--Are they coming
+this way?' When Tom told him that they had faced about, and admonished
+him to advance, the nerves of his arm refused, their office, he could
+not hold out his pistol, and instead of going forward, retreated with
+an insensibility of motion; till Pipes, placing himself in the rear, set
+his own back to that of his principal, and swore he should not budge an
+inch farther in that direction.
+
+While the valet thus tutored the painter, his master enjoyed the terrors
+of the physician, which were more ridiculous than those of Pallet,
+because he was more intent upon disguising them. His declaration to
+Pickle in the morning would not suffer him to start any objections when
+he received the challenge; and finding that the young gentleman made
+no offer of mediating the affair, but rather congratulated him on the
+occasion, when he communicated the painter's billet, all his efforts
+consisted in oblique hints, and general reflexions, upon the absurdity
+of duelling, which was first introduced among civilized nations by the
+barbarous Huns and Longobards. He likewise pretended to ridicule the
+use of fire-arms, which confounded all the distinctions of skill and
+address, and deprived a combatant of the opportunity of signalizing his
+personal prowess.
+
+Pickle assented to the justness of his observations; but, at the same
+time, represented the necessity of complying with the customs of this
+world (ridiculous as they were), on which a man's honour and reputation
+depend. So that, seeing no hopes of profiting by that artifice, the
+republican's agitation became more and more remarkable; and he proposed,
+in plain terms, that they should contend in armour, like the combatants
+of ancient days; for it was but reasonable, that they should practise
+the manner of fighting, since they adopted the disposition of those iron
+times.
+
+Nothing could have afforded more diversion to our hero than the sight of
+two such duellists cased in iron; and he wished that he had promoted the
+quarrel in Brussels, where he could have hired the armour of Charles the
+Fifth, and the valiant Duke of Parma, for their accommodation; but as
+there was no possibility of furnishing them cap-à-pee at Antwerp, he
+persuaded him to conform to the modern use of the sword, and meet the
+painter on his own terms; and suspecting that his fear would supply him
+with other excuses for declining, the combat, he comforted him with some
+distant insinuations, to the prejudice of his adversary's courage, which
+would, in all probability, evaporate before any mischief could happen.
+
+Notwithstanding this encouragement, he could not suppress the reluctance
+with which he went to the field, and cast many a wishful look over his
+left shoulder, to see whether or not his adversary was at his heels.
+When, by the advice of his second, he took possession of the ground, and
+turned about with his face to the enemy, it was not so dark, but that
+Peregrine could perceive the unusual paleness of his countenance, and
+the sweat standing in large drops upon his forehead; nay, there was
+a manifest disorder in his speech, when he regretted his want of the
+_pila_ and _parma_, with which he would have made a rattling noise, to
+astonish his foe, in springing forward, and singing the hymn to battle,
+in the manner of the ancients.
+
+In the mean time, observing the hesitation of his antagonist, who, far
+from advancing, seemed to recoil, and even struggle with his second, he
+guessed the situation of the painter's thoughts, and collecting all the
+manhood that he possessed, seized the opportunity of profiting by
+his enemy's consternation. Striking his sword and pistol together, he
+advanced in a sort of a trot, raising a loud howl, in which he repeated,
+in lieu of the Spartan song, part of the strophe from one of Pindar's
+Pythia, beginning with _ek theon gar mekanai pasai Broteais aretais,
+&c_. This imitation of the Greeks had all the desired effect upon the
+painter, who seeing the physician running towards him like a fury, with
+a pistol in his right hand, which was extended, and hearing the dreadful
+yell he uttered, and the outlandish words he produced, was seized with
+an universal palsy of his limbs. He would have dropped down upon the
+ground, had not Pipes supported and encouraged him to stand upon his
+defence. The doctor, contrary to his expectation, finding that he had
+not flinched from the spot, though he had now performed one half of his
+career, put in practice the last effort, by firing his pistol, the noise
+of which no sooner reached the ears of the affrighted painter, than
+he recommended his soul to God, and roared for mercy with great
+vociferation.
+
+[Illustration: 064]
+
+The republican, overjoyed at this exclamation, commanded him to yield,
+and surrender his arms, on pain of immediate death; upon which he threw
+away his pistols and sword, in spite of all the admonitions and even
+threats of his second, who left him to his fate, and went up to his
+master, stopping his nose with signs of loathing and abhorrence.
+
+The victor, having won the _spolia opima_, granted him his life,
+on condition that he would on his knees supplicate his pardon,
+acknowledging him inferior to his conqueror in every virtue and
+qualification, and promise for the future to merit his favour by
+submission and respect. These insolent terms were readily embraced by
+the unfortunate challenger, who fairly owned, that he was not at all
+calculated for the purposes of war, and that henceforth he would contend
+with no weapon but his pencil. He begged, with great humility, that
+Mr. Pickle would not think the worse of his morals for this defect of
+courage, which was a natural infirmity inherited from his father, and
+suspend his opinion of his talents, until he should have an opportunity
+of contemplating the charms of his Cleopatra, which would be finished in
+less than three months.
+
+Our hero observed, with an affected air of displeasure, that no man
+could be justly condemned for being subject to the impressions of fear;
+and therefore his cowardice might easily be forgiven: but there was
+something so presumptuous, dishonest, and disingenuous, in arrogating
+a quality to which he knew he had not the smallest pretension, that
+he could not forget his misbehaviour all at once, though he would
+condescend to communicate with him as formerly, in hopes of seeing
+a reformation in his conduct. Pallet protested that there was no
+dissimulation in the case: for he was ignorant of his own weakness,
+until his resolution was put to the trial: he faithfully promised
+to demean himself, during the remaining part of the tour, with that
+conscious modesty and penitence which became a person in his condition:
+and, for the present, implored the assistance of Mr. Pipes, in
+disembarrassing him from the disagreeable consequence of his fear.
+
+
+
+
+POINT VIII. THE QUACK DOCTOR.
+
+The town of Ashbourn, being a great thoroughfare to Buxton Wells, to
+the High-peak, and many parts of the North; and being inhabited by many
+substantial people concerned in the mines, and having also three or four
+of the greatest horse-fairs in that part of England, every year; is a
+very populous town.
+
+There appeared at Ashbourn, for some market-days, a very extraordinary
+person, in a character, and with an equipage, somewhat singular and
+paradoxical: this was one Dr. Stubbs, a physician of the itinerant kind.
+The doctor came to town on horseback, yet dressed in a plaid night gown
+and red velvet cap. He had a small reading-desk fixed upon the pummel
+of his saddle, that supported a large folio, in which, by the help of
+a monstrous pair of spectacles, the doctor seemed to read, as the horse
+moved slowly on, with a profound attention. A portmanteau behind him
+contained his cargo of sovereign medicines, which, as brick-dust was
+probably the principal ingredient, must have been no small burden to his
+lean steed.
+
+The 'squire, or assistant, led the doctor's horse slowly along, in a
+dress less solemn, but not less remarkable, than that of his master.
+
+The doctor, from his Rozinante, attended by his merry-andrew (mounted on
+a horse-block before the principal inn), had just begun to harangue
+the multitude, and the speech with which he introduced himself each
+market-day was to this effect--
+
+"My friends and countrymen! you have frequently been imposed upon, no
+doubt, by, quacks and ignorant pretenders to the noble art of physic;
+who, in order to gain your attention, have boasted of their many years'
+travels into foreign parts, and even the most remote regions of the
+habitable globe. One has been physician to the Sophi of Persia, to
+the Great Mogul, or the Empress of Russia; and displayed his skill at
+Moscow, Constantinople, Delhi, or Ispahan. Another, perhaps, has been
+tooth-drawer to the king of Morocco, or corn-cutter to the sultan of
+Egypt, or to the grand Turk; or has administered a clyster to the queen
+of Trebisond, or to Prester John, or the Lord, knows who--as if the
+wandering about from place to place (supposing it to be true) could make
+a man a jot the wiser. No, gentlemen, don't be imposed upon by pompous
+words and magnificent pretensions. He that goes abroad a fool will come
+home a coxcomb.
+
+"Gentlemen! I am no High German or unborn doctor--But here I am--your
+own countryman--your fellow subject--your neighbour, as I may say. Why,
+gentlemen, eminent as I am now become, I was born but at Coventry, where
+my mother now lives--Mary Stubbs by name.
+
+"One thing, indeed, I must boast of, without which I would not presume
+to practise the sublime art and mystery of physic. I am the seventh son
+of a seventh, son. Seven days was I before I sucked the breast. Seven
+months before I was seen to laugh or cry. Seven years before I was heard
+to utter seven words; and twice seven years have I studied, night and
+day, for the benefit of you, my friends and countrymen: and now here I
+am, ready to assist the afflicted, and to cure all manner of diseases,
+past, present, and to come; and that out of pure love to my country and
+fellow creatures, without fee or reward--except a trifling gratuity,
+the prime cost of my medicines; or what you may choose voluntarily to
+contribute hereafter, out of gratitude for the great benefit, which, I
+am convinced, you will receive from the use of them.
+
+"But come, gentlemen, here is my famous, * Antifebrifuge Tincture; that
+cures all internal disorders whatsoever; the whole bottle for one poor
+shilling.
+
+     * A celebrated quack made this blunder; that is, in plain
+     English, a tincture that will bring on a fever.
+
+"Here's my Cataplasma Diabolicum, or my Diabolical Cataplasm; that will
+cure all external disorders, cuts, bruises, contusions, excoriations,
+and dislocations; and all for sixpence.
+
+"But here, gentlemen, here's my famous Balsamum Stubbianum, or Dr.
+Stubbs's Sovereign Balsam; renowned over the whole Christian world, as
+an universal remedy, which no family ought to be without: it will keep
+seven years, and--be as good as it is now. Here's this large bottle,
+gentlemen, for the trifling sum of eighteen-pence.
+
+"I am aware that your physical gentlemen here have called me quack, and
+ignorant pretender, and the like. But here I am.--Let Dr. Pestle or
+Dr. Clyster come forth. I challenge the whole faculty of the town of
+Ashbourn, to appear before this good company, and dispute with me in
+seven languages, ancient or modern; in Latin, Greek, or Hebrew--in
+High-Dutch, French, Italian, or Portuguese. Let them ask me any question
+in Hebrew or Arabic, and then it will appear who are men of solid
+learning, and who are quacks and ignorant pretenders.
+
+"You see, gentlemen, I challenge them to a fair trial of skill, but not
+one of them dares show his face; they confess their ignorance by their
+silence.
+
+"But come, gentlemen, who buys my elixir Cephalicum, Asthmaticum,
+Arthriticum, Diureticum, Emeticum, Diaphoriticum, Nephriticum,
+Catharticum.--Come, gentlemen, seize the golden opportunity, whilst
+health is so cheaply to be purchased."
+
+After having disposed of a few packets, the doctor told the company,
+that as this was the last time of his appearing at Ashbourn (other
+parts of the kingdom claiming a part in his patriotic labours), he was
+determined to make a present to all those who had been his patients, of
+a shilling a-piece. He therefore called upon all those who could produce
+any one of Dr. Stubbs's bottles, pill-boxes, plaisters, or even his
+hand-bills, to make their appearance, and partake of his generosity.
+This produced no small degree of expectation amongst those that had
+been the doctor's customers, who gathered round him, with their hands
+stretched out, and with wishful looks. "Here, gentlemen," says the
+doctor, "stand forth! hold up your hands. I promised to give you a
+shilling a-piece. I will immediately per-; form my promise. Here's my
+Balsamum Stubbianum; which I have hitherto sold at eighteen-pence the
+bottle, you shall now have it for sixpence."
+
+"Come! gemmen," says the merry-andrew, "where are you? Be quick! Don't
+stand in your own light. You'll never have such another opportunity--as
+long as you live."
+
+The people looked upon each other with an air of disappointment. Some
+shook their heads, some grinned at the conceit, and others uttered their
+execrations--some few, however, who had been unwilling to throw away
+eighteen-pence upon the experiment, ventured to give a single sixpence;
+and the doctor picked up eight or nine shillings more by this stratagem,
+which was more than the intrinsic value of his horse-load of medicines.
+
+[Illustration: 073]
+
+This egregious quack conceiving that he had now squeezed the last
+farthing out of his audience, commenced his retreat from the crowd with
+his usual solemnity of deportment, and mock-heroic dignity; when a sly
+countryman, who had stood near him for some time, and had listened with
+a less than ordinary portion of credulity, nay, who had, indeed, more
+than once lifted up his eyes in token of disbelief, and curved his mouth
+into an arch of humourous contempt--raised a pitchfork which he had been
+leaning upon, and urged it into the posterior of the poor beast, who
+was condemned to crawl underneath the Doctor and his baggage.--This
+Rozinante no sooner felt the insidious prick, than; bent on revenge, she
+raised her heels with deadly intent; but in order to raise her heels,
+the old creature found it necessary to lower her head, when the Doctor
+took that opportunity, which to say the truth, he could not avoid, of
+toppling over her shoulders. While the medical gentleman was performing
+his somerset in the air, amidst a shower of his own bottles, to the
+manifest delight of the multitude, who shouted and screamed with joy,
+and pelted him with stones, and mud, and filth--purely out of the extacy
+of their gratification, another well disposed patient taking advantage
+of the moment, presented a besom to the Merry Andrew, and fairly swept
+him from the horse-block, on which he was capering, among his
+master's bottles, gallipots, and nostrums, which now bestrewed the
+pavement.--After a few minutes floundering, the faithful pair regained
+their legs, and gathering up the remnants of their trade, retreated to
+their inn with all convenient speed, amidst the huzzas and laughter of
+the mob.
+
+[Illustration: 074]
+
+
+
+
+POINT IX. A NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS,
+
+_A Scene from "Les Barons de Felsheim."_
+
+One evening that those heroes, the Baron of Felsheim and Brandt, were
+reclined on their beds, beginning to drink freely, relating their high
+feats, and, with becoming modesty, comparing themselves to nothing less
+than an Eugene or a Marlborough, Brandt was on a sudden struck with a
+sort of inspiration.--"We are very comfortable here," said he to the
+Baron.--"Very well indeed," replied Ferdinand XV. with a slight symptom
+of ebriety.--"No more guard at night."--"No longer compelled to drink
+water."--"No more black bread, Colonel."--"No more Frenchmen, Brandt,
+though we beat them sometimes, eh?"--"Aye, but with the loss of an eye."
+--"And my poor arm, you have not forgot that?"--"No more than I have
+your leg."--"My leg, my leg, ah! that was a sad affair."--"Your health,
+Colonel."
+
+"Your's, Brandt."--"I foresee but one little accident, my Lord, that
+can disturb our present felicity."--"What's that?"--"O nothing, a mere
+trifle.--I was thinking that the good Jews of Franckfort may, if they
+please, turn the Baron of Felsheim out of his own castle."--"Faith!
+I had forgot those scoundrels," answered the Baron, drinking a bumper;
+"however, you shall go to Franckfort to-morrow morning, collect the
+rabble together, and bring them here. I will receive them in that famous
+tower, where Witikind, with only thirty Saxons, stopped, for three days,
+an army of one hundred thousand men, led by Charlemagne in person. The
+place will inspire them with that veneration for my person which its
+shattered state no longer enforces."--"I will go, Colonel."--"If they
+are reasonable--we will pay them."--"If they are not--we must
+sabre them."--"That is well said, Brandt,--bravo!"--"Let us drink,
+Colonel."--"With all my heart."
+
+The next morning, at break of day, Brandt saddled his horse, gallopped
+towards Franckfort, assembled the Israelites, imparted to them the good
+intentions of his master, appointed a day the Colonel would be ready to
+receive them, and then returned to the castle.
+
+The punctuality of a good soldier to be at his post in the hour of
+battle, of a lover in keeping the first appointment of his mistress, or
+of a courtier at the levee, is not to be compared with the precision
+of a Jew, who has money to receive. Those of Franckfort arrived on the
+appointed day, at the appointed hour, and long before the Baron had
+slept himself sober. Brandt went to inform him of the arrival of his
+creditors, assisted him in putting on a dressing-gown of blue velvet
+lined with green stuff, which descended from Ferdinand XIII. and which
+Ferdinand XIV. had never worn but to give his public audiences; tied
+his sabre over the said gown, placed his double-barrelled pistols in his
+belt, combed his whiskers, and put a white cap over that of dirty brown,
+which he commonly wore. The Baron, thus accoutred, came forth from
+his bed-chamber, leaning on his Squire's shoulder; walked majestically
+through two rows, formed by his creditors, and was followed by them to
+the tower of Witikind.
+
+After depositing, on a worm-eaten table, his naked sword and his
+pistols, the Baron seated himself in an immense arm-chair, stroked his
+whiskers, and spoke in the following terms:--
+
+"Rogues that you are; I have summoned you here to free myself from your
+importunities."--The Jews made a profound reverence. "I have served
+the descendant of Cæsar, who is no better than the descendant of
+Witikind:--but, no matter, I have served him. I have been in want of
+money, and have subscribed to your own terms; now I hold the purse, and
+dictate in my turn. I will give you half what I owe you, provided you
+sign a receipt for the whole." The Jews were shocked at this proposal,
+and were about to expostulate, but Brandt, giving them a fierce look,
+imposed silence, and the Baron repeated his offer. The creditors
+shook their heads, in token of discontent. Ferdinand XV. swore, by his
+ancestors, that he would cause all the bailiffs, who should dare to
+approach his castle, to be thrown into the ditch, and Brandt swore, by
+Prince Eugene, that he would immediately treat the Saxon Jews, as the
+Arabian Jews had treated the Amalekites, if they did not agree to a
+compromise; on saying which, he brandished his sabre over the heads of
+the Israelites, who continued, however, unintimidated. A Jew has no fear
+for his head, when he trembles for his money.
+
+[Illustration: 078]
+
+The Baron began to be uneasy, swore between his teeth, and was a little
+embarrassed, when Brandt, who loved gentle means as well as any body,
+when he found nothing else would succeed, advised the Colonel to leave
+the room, took up the pistols, went out himself by a postern door,
+threatened to blow out the brains of the first who should dare to move,
+and shut up the Israelites in the tower.
+
+Although they passed a great part of the day without food, they still
+continued obstinate. At length their physical thirst equalled their
+thirst for gold, and they endeavoured to move the iron bars, which
+Ferdinand XI. had fixed to the windows. The relentless Brandt, who
+was armed with a double-barrelled gun, and who kept a sharp look-out,
+opposed himself so warmly to their attempt that they were obliged to
+abandon it. They then asked for quarter, but Brandt's only reply was,
+"Will you take the half of your money?" The Jews signified their dissent
+by withdrawing from the window.
+
+When night approached, Brandt, fearing to be surprised, lighted a
+fire at the foot of the tower, and he and the Jews spent the hours in
+watching each other's motions. The next morning, the prisoners began to
+feel the cravings of nature, and one of them demanded a parley. "Will
+you have half?" was again the demand of the inflexible Brandt. "We will
+take two thirds," said a voice. Brandt pretended not to hear it, and
+continued to walk to and fro, with his musket on his shoulder.
+
+At twelve o'clock, the Jews, no longer able to resist the hunger
+which tormented them, requested another conference; and, with seeming
+reluctance, agreed to take the half of their debt. "You shall have but
+one third," replied Brandt; "and, if you do not capitulate instantly,
+you shall have nothing." About four, a Jew, almost fainting, said, "Give
+us the half."--"You shall have but a quarter," said Brandt. "Well, let
+us conclude for a quarter," replied the Israelite: "there are Christians
+possessed of less mercy than Jews."
+
+Brandt ran immediately to fetch some paper and a small ink-stand,
+tied the whole at the end of a long pole, which he presented to the
+prisoners, and ordered them to give a receipt for three parts of the
+debt, which was executed instantly, and he received it back by the same
+conveyance. He carried this valuable acquisition to the Baron, from whom
+he received a small bag of imperial florins, came back to the tower,
+paid the remaining quarter, and was particularly careful in obtaining
+the title-deeds. He then conducted the Jews to the door, with great
+civility, and they departed, wishing him most heartily at the devil.
+
+By way of rejoicing, for the very economical manner in which the Baron
+had discharged his debts, Brandt placed upon the table a large piece of
+smoked bacon, and an old cock roasted; and it was agreed, for once,
+that they should begin to drink at five o'clock, even at the risk of not
+finding their way to bed until the next morning.
+
+
+
+
+POINT X.
+
+_A Scene from Shakspeare._
+
+
+_Enter Fluellen and Gower._
+
+_Gow._ Nay, that's right: but why wear you your leek to day? St. David's
+day is past.
+
+_Flu_. There is occasions and causes why and wherefore in all things;
+I will tell you as a friend, Captain Gower; the rascally, scauld,
+beggarly, lowsie, pragging knave Pistol, which you and yourself and
+all the world know to be no petter than a fellow (look you now) of no
+merits; he is come to me and prings me pread and salt yesterday, look
+you, and bid me eat my leek. It was in a place where I could breed no
+contentions with him; but I will be so pold as to wear it in my cap,
+till I see him once again; and then I will tell him a little piece of my
+desires.
+
+_Enter Pistol._
+
+_Gow_. Why, here he comes, swelling like a Turky-cock.
+
+_Flu._ 'Tis no matter for his swelling, nor his Turky-cocks. God plesse
+you, aunchient Pistol: you scurvy, lowsie knave, God plesse you.
+
+_Pist_. Ha! art thou bedlam? dost thou thirst, base Trojan, to have me
+fold up Parca's fatal web?
+
+Hence, I am qualmish at the smell of leek.
+
+_Flu._ I peseech you heartily, scurvy, lowsie knave, at my desires, and
+my requests, and my petitions, to eat, look you, this leek: because,
+look you, you do not love it; and your affections, and your appetites,
+and your digestions, does not agree with it; I would desire you to eat
+it.
+
+[Illustration: 084]
+
+_Pist._ Not for Cadwallader and all his goats.
+
+_Flu_. There is one goat for you, [Strikes him.] Will you be so good,
+scald knave, as eat it?
+
+_Pist_. Base Trojan, thou shalt die.
+
+_Flu._ You say very true, scald knave, when God's will is: I will desire
+you to live in the mean time and eat your victuals; come, there is sawce
+for it----
+
+[Strikes him] You call'd me yesterday, Mountain-Squire, but I will make
+you to day a Squire of low degree. I pray you, fall to; if you can mock
+a leek, you can eat a leek.
+
+_Gow_. Enough, captain; you have astonish'd him.
+
+_Flu_. I say, I will make him eat some part of my leek, or I will peat
+his pate four days and four nights. Pite, I pray you; it is good for
+your green wound and your ploody coxcomb.
+
+_Pist._ Must I bite?
+
+_Flu_. Yes, out of doubt, and out of questions too, and ambiguities.--
+
+_Pist_. By this leek, I will most horribly revenge; I eat and swear----
+
+_Flu_. Eat, I pray you; will you have some more sawce to your leek?
+there is not enough leek to swear by. .
+
+_Pist._ Quiet thy cudgel; thou dost see, I eat.
+
+_Flu._ Much good do you, scald knave, heartily. Nay, pray you, throw
+none away, the skin is good for your proken coxcomb: when you take
+occasions to see leeks hereafter, I pray you, mock at 'em, that's all.
+
+_Pist_. Good.
+
+_Flu._ Ay, leeks is good; hold you, there is a groat to heal your pate.
+
+_Pist._ Me a groat!
+
+_Flu_. Yes, verily, and in truth, you shall take it; or I have another
+leek in my pocket, which you shall eat.
+
+_Pist._ I take thy groat in earnest of revenge.
+
+_Flu_. If I owe you any thing, I will pay you in cudgels; you shall be a
+woodmonger, and buy nothing of me but cudgels; God pe wi' you, and keep
+you, and heal your pate. [Exit.]
+
+_Pist._ All hell shall stir for this.
+
+_Gore_. Go, go, you are a counterfeit cowardly knave: will you mock at
+an antient tradition, began upon an honourable respect, and worn as
+a memorable trophy of predeceased valour, and dare not avouch in your
+deeds any of your words? I have seen you gleeking and galling at this
+gentleman twice or thrice. You thought, because he could not speak
+English in the native garb, he could not therefore handle an English
+cudgel; you find it otherwise; and henceforth let a Welsh correction
+teach you a good English condition: fare you well. [Exit.]
+
+[Illustration: 086]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Points of Humour, Part II (of II), by Anonymous
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44518 ***