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diff --git a/44517-0.txt b/44517-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..89119c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/44517-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1390 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44517 *** + +POINTS OF HUMOUR + +Part I. + +By Anonymous + +Illustrated By The Designs Of George Cruikshank. + +Ten Engravings On Copper and Twelve Wood Cuts + +London: Published By C. Baldwyn, Newgate Street + +1823. + + "Let mee play the fool: + With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come; + And let my liver rather heat with wine, + Than my heart cool with mortifying groans, + Why should a man, whose blood is warm through, + Sit like his grandsire, cut in alubaster? + Sleep when he wakes, and creep into the jaundice by being peevish?" + + Shakspear + + + +PREFACE. + +It will be readily perceived that the literary part of this work is of +humble pretensions. One object alone has been aimed at and it is hoped +with success--to select or to invent those incidents which' might be +interesting or amusing in themselves, while they afforded scope for the +peculiar talents of the artist who adorns them with his designs. The +selection was more difficult than may at first sight be supposed. It is +true, there is no paucity of subjects of wit and humour, but he who +will take the trouble to examine them, will find how few are adapted for +pictorial representation. No artist can embody a point of wit, and the +humour of many of the most laughable stories would vanish at the +touch of the pencil of the most ingenious designer in the world. Those +ludicrous subjects only which are rich in the humour of _situation_ are +calculated for graphic illustration. To prove the following anecdotes +are not deficient in this respect, no other appeal is necessary than to +the plates themselves! Look at the breadth of the humour, the point +of the situation, the selection of the figures, the action, and its +accompaniments, and deny (without a laugh on the face) that this portion +of the work answers the end in view. In all this the writer or compiler, +or whatever he may be called, claims little merit. That the whole effect +is comic, that the persons are ludicrous, and engaged in laughable +groups and surrounded with objects which tend to broaden the grin, all +this, and a thousand times more, belongs to Mr. Cruikshank;--the writer +only claims the merit of having suggested to him the materials. + +Some of the ten points, now submitted to the public, arise out of +a reprint of that admirable piece of humour, the Jolly Beggars of +Burns;--A part of his works almost unknown to the public, in consequence +of the scrupulousness of the poet's biographer and editor, who withheld +them from the world. Lest we however should incur the charge, which +Dr. Currie apprehended, we beg leave to prefix the observations on +this subject by the first literary character in the kingdom, Sir Walter +Scott, as they appeared in the _Quarterly Review._ + +"Yet applauding, as we do most highly applaud, the leading principles +of Dr. Currie's selection, we are aware that they sometimes led him into +fastidious and over-delicate rejection of the bard's most spirited and +happy effusions. A thin octavo, published at Glasgow in 1801, under the +title of 'Poems ascribed to Robert Burns, the Ayrshire bard,' furnishes +valuable proofs of this assertion; it contains, among a good deal of +rubbish, some of his most brilliant poetry. A cantata, in particular, +called _The Jolly Beggars_, for humorous description and nice +discrimination of character, is inferior to no poem of the same length +in the whole range of English poetry. The scene, indeed, is laid in the +very lowest department of low life, the actors being a set of strolling +vagrants, met to carouse, and barter their rags and plunder for liquor +in a hedge ale-house. Yet even in describing the movements of such a +group, the native taste of the poet has never suffered his pen to slide +into any thing coarse or disgusting. The extravagant glee and outrageous +frolic of the beggars are ridiculously contrasted with their maimed +limbs, rags, and crutches--the sordid and squalid circumstances of their +appearance are judiciously thrown into the shade. Nor is the art of the +poet less conspicuous in the individual figures, than in the general +mass. The festive vagrants are distinguished from each other by personal +appearance and character, as much as any fortuitous assembly in the +higher orders of life. The group, it must be observed, is of Scottish +character, and doubtless our northern brethren are more familiar with +its varieties than we are; yet the distinctions are too well marked +to escape even the southern. The most prominent persons are a maimed +soldier and his female companion, a hackneyed follower of the camp, +a stroller, late the consort of an highland ketterer, or sturdy +beggar--'but weary fa' the waefu' woodie!'--Being now at liberty, she +becomes an object of rivalry between a pigmy scraper with his fiddle' +and a strolling tinker. The latter, a desperate bandit, like most of his +profession, terrifies the musician out of the field, and is preferred by +the damsel of course. A wandering ballad-singer, with a brace of doxies, +is last introduced upon the stage. Each of these mendicants sings a song +in character, and such a collection of humorous lyrics, connected by +vivid poetical description, is not perhaps to be paralleled in the +English language. The ditty chaunted by the Ballad Singer is certainly +far superior to any thing in the _Beggar's Opera_, where alone we could +expect to find its parallel. + +"We are at a loss to conceive any good reason why Dr. Currie did not +introduce this singular and humorous cantata into his collection. It is +true, that in one or two passages the muse has trespassed slightly upon +decorum, where, in the language of Scottish song, + + "High kilted was she, + "As she gaed owre the lea." + +"Something, however, is to be allowed to the nature of the subject, and +something to the education of the poet: and if from veneration to the +names of Swift and Dryden, we tolerate the grossness of the one, and the +indelicacy of the other, the respect due to that of Burns, may surely +claim indulgence for a few light strokes of broad humour.. + +"Knowing that this, and hoping that other compositions of similar spirit +and tenor, might yet be recovered, we were induced to think that some of +them, at least, had found a place in the collection given to the public +by Mr. Cromek. But he has neither risqued the censure, nor gained the +applause, which might have belonged to such an undertaking." + + + + +POINT I. THE POINT OF HONOUR. + +When the American army was at Valley Forge in the winter of 1777, a +captain of the Virginian Line refused a challenge sent him by a brother +officer, alleging that his life was devoted to the service of his +country, and that he did not think it a point of duty to risk it to +gratify the caprice of any man. This _point of duty_ gave occasion to _a +point of humour_ which clearly displayed the brilliant _points_ of the +officer's character, and exposed the weak ones of his brothers in +the service in a very _pointed_ manner. His antagonist gave him the +character of a coward through the whole army. Conscious of not having +merited the aspersion, and discovering the injury he should sustain in +the minds of those unacquainted with him, he repaired one evening to a +general meeting of the officers of that line. On his entrance, he +was avoided by the company, and the officer who had challenged him, +insolently ordered him to leave the room; a request which was loudly +re-echoed from all parts. He refused, and asserted that he came there to +vindicate his fame; and after mentioning the reasons which induced him +not to accept the challenge, he applied a large hand grenade to the +candle, and when the fuse had caught fire, threw it on the floor, +saying, "Here, gentlemen, this will quickly determine which of us all +dare brave danger most." + +[Illustration: 010] + +At first they stared upon him for a moment in stupid astonishment, +but their eyes soon fell upon the fusé of the grenade, which was fast +burning down. Away scampered Colonel, General, Ensign, and Captain, and +all made a rush at the door. "Devil take the hindmost." Some fell, and +others made way over the bodies of their comrades; some succeeded +in getting out, but for an instant there was a general heap of flesh +sprawling at the entrance of the apartment. Here was a colonel jostling +with a subaltern, and there fat generals pressing lean lieutenants into +the boards, and blustering majors, and squeaking ensigns wrestling +for exit; the size of one and the feebleness of the other making their +chance of departure pretty equal, until time, which does all things +at last, cleared the room and left the noble captain standing over the +grenade with his arms folded, and his countenance expressing every kind +of scorn and contempt for the train of scrambling red coats, as they +toiled and bustled and bored their way out of the door. + +After the explosion had taken place, some of them ventured to return, +to take a peep at the mangled remains of their comrade, whom however to +their great surprise they found alive and uninjured.--When they were all +gone, the captain threw himself flat on the floor as the only possible +means of escape, and fortunately came off with a whole skin, and a +repaired reputation. + + + + +POINT II. THE SHORT COURTSHIP. + +As a gentleman was passing along one of the more retired streets of +London late in the evening, he stumbled over the body of an old man, +whom on examination he found in a state of excessive inebriation, and +who had in consequence tumbled down and rolled into the kennel. He had +not gone many yards farther when he found an old woman very nearly in +the same circumstances. It immediately struck Mr. L. that this was +some poor old couple, who, overcome with the fatigues of the day, had +indulged too freely in some restorative beverage, whether Hodges' or +Deady's the historian does not say. Full of this idea, and animated by +his own charitable disposition, Mr. L. soon made arrangements for the +reception of the poor couple into a neighbouring public house, where the +landlord promised that the senseless pair should be undressed and placed +in a warm and comfortable bed. To bed they were put. Mr. L. left them +lying side by side, snoring in concert, and likely to pass together a +more harmonious night than perhaps would have been the case had they +possessed the full enjoyment of their senses. L. journeyed homewards +filled with the satisfaction arising from the performance of a kind +deed, and never reflected that there was a possibility of his having +joined a pair whom the laws of God had not made one. The fact was, that +the old man and the old woman were perfect strangers to each other, +and their being found in a similar situation was purely accidental. In +London, however extraordinary it may appear, many poor folks get drunk +at night, especially Saturday night, and what is not less wonderful, +they are in this state often unable to preserve their balance--the laws +of gravity exert their influence, and the patient rolls into the +kennel. Soundly--soundly did this late united pair sleep and snore +till morning,--when the light broke in upon them and disclosed the +secret.--Imagine the consternation of the old lady when the fumes of +intoxication were dissipated, and she opened her eyes upon her snoring +partner--where she was or how she had been put there she knew not. It +was clear she was in bed with a man, and that was an event which had +never happened to her before,--so she set up a scream, and roused the +old gentleman, whose astonishment was not a jot less than the lady's. + +[Illustration: 015] + +She sat upon end in bed staring at him, he moved himself into, a similar +situation and riveted his eyes upon her, and so they remained for a few +instant's both full of perfect wonderment;--at last it struck the poor +lady that this was some monster of a man who had succeeded in some +horrible design upon her honour; the idea in a moment gave her the +look and manner of a fury, she flung out of bed and roared aloud to the +admiration of all the inmates of the house, who attracted by her first +scream were already peeping in at the door of the room,--"make me an +honest woman, thou wretch," she cried--"villain that you are,--make an +honest woman of me, or I'll be the death of thee"--down she sat upon the +bed-stocks, and as she attempted to dress herself she interlarded her +occupation with calling for vengeance upon her horrible seducer, who sat +trembling at the other side of the bed, vainly attempting in his fright +to insinuate his legs into his old tattered breeches. The landlord at +last interfered with the authority of his station, and on inquiry found +that no breach had been made which could not be easily repaired. The old +gentleman was asked if he had any objection to take his fair bedfellow +for a helpmate during the remainder of his life; he stammered out his +acquiescence as well as he could, and the enraged virgin consented to +smooth down her anger on satisfaction being made to her injured honour. +The bargain was soon struck, the happy pair were bundled off to church, +amidst the laughing shouts of the mob, where a parson waited to make +good the match too precipitately formed by our charitable friend. + + + + +POINT III. YES OR NO? + +Frederick the Great, King of Prussia, was so remarkably fond of +children, that he suffered the sons of the Prince Royal to enter his +apartment whenever they thought proper. One day, while he was writing in +his closet, the eldest of these princes was playing at shuttlecock near +him. The shuttlecock happened to fall upon the table at which the +King sat, who threw it at the young prince and continued to write. The +shuttlecock falling on the table a second time, the King threw it back, +looking sternly at the child, who promised that no accident of the kind +should happen again; the shuttlecock however fell a third time and even +upon the paper on which the king was writing. Frederick then took the +shuttlecock and put it in his pocket: the little prince humbly asked +pardon and begged the King to return him his shuttlecock. His Majesty +refused: the prince redoubled his entreaties, but no attention was paid +to them; the young prince at length being tired of begging, advanced +boldly towards the King, put his two hands on his side, and tossing +back his little head with great haughtiness, said in a threatening tone, +"Will your Majesty give me my shuttlecock, Yes or No?" + +[Illustration: 019] + +The King burst into a fit of laughter, and taking the shuttlecock out +of his pocket, returned it to the prince saying, "you are a brave boy, +_you_ will never suffer Silesia to be taken from you." + +[Illustration: 021] + + + + +POINT IV. EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY. + +Near Taunton, in Somersetshire, lived a sturdy fellow, by trade a +miller, who possessed a handsome and buxom young woman for his wife. The +said dame was many years the junior of her spouse, and thought that the +neighbouring village contained not a few more agreeable companions, than +the one whom Heaven had given her for life. Of this circumstance the +miller had some suspicions, and determined to set them at rest one way +or the other. Accordingly, one day he pretended to set off to buy corn, +and told his wife that he should not be at home that night. The miller +departed, and when the shades of evening afforded some concealment, in +glided, to supply his place at bed and board, a neighbouring country +squire. + +As the village clock struck one that night, and as the loving pair were +wrapped in sleep, a loud knocking was heard at the door. + +The miller had unexpectedly returned home, and the unfortunate couple +within were reduced to despair. The wit of the female was however equal +to the emergency; the gentleman's clothes were pushed under her own, and +his person was conducted into the kitchen, by the frail fair one, and +there enclosed in a singular place of security. + +The tall house clock, which always forms a part of the furniture of the +"parlour, kitchen, and all," of men of our miller's rank, was at that +time out of order, and the works had, on the very morning in question, +been conveyed to Taunton, to undergo a thorough repair. It immediately +struck the damsel that her lover could abide in no safer place than +this, until her husband was asleep, and she could return and let him +out. Now the country squire was a tall and a stout man, with a jolly +rubicund physiognomy. He consequently enclosed himself in the clock-case +with some difficulty, and when the good woman locked the door of it, as +the only way of keeping it shut, it gave him a nip in the paunch, which +would have extorted a cry under any other circumstances. As it was, the +tightness below threw all the blood into his countenance, which, for +such was his height, overtopped the wood work of the case, and appeared +exactly at the spot where the clock usually shewed the hour. So that, +had a light been held up to it, this portentous face would have borne +the appearance of a dark red moon scowling, out of fog and vapours upon +a stormy night. This despatched, the dame commenced her own part with +confidence. She gaped and yawned, and only admitted the miller till he +had cursed and sworn his wife into a conviction, that he was her lawful +husband, and no deceiver who had mimicked his voice and manner for +his own wicked purposes. Much to the dismay of the parties already in +possession of the house, the miller insisted upon striking a light, +which at length obtaining, he drove his wife before him up to the +bed-room, and then slily and under pretence of something else, +examined the apartment; and concluded with a thorough conviction of the +groundlessness of his suspicions. + +The wife, overjoyed at getting the candle out of the kitchen without +discovery, was in high good humour, so that the miller became in +excellent spirits too, both on account of his agreeable reception and +the dispersion of his fears, and as a proof of his state of mind gave +his wife a hearty kiss, and swore that they would go down and have a +cozy bit of supper together before they went to bed. In vain the poor +woman resisted, the slice of bacon must be broiled and the eggs poached. +With trembling hand she bore the light into the kitchen, and durst not +cast a glance upon the clock case where the prisoner, full of horror +at the return of the candle, and reduced to a state of insufferable +impatience by his miserable plight, uttered a deep low groan of despair +as they entered the apartment. Fortunately it was not loud enough to +attract the miller's attention, but thrilled through the heart of his +unfortunate spouse. The happy pair soon began their culinary operations, +the male with a light heart and a hungry appetite, the female sick and +trembling at the disclosure which she feared was inevitable. All she +could do, she did. She tried to keep up a conversation, she shaded +the light, and she spread rasher after rasher before the all-devouring +miller, who seemed as if intent to display his prowess before his rival, +who was most ruefully and intently gazing upon him from his window of +observation. + +[Illustration: 025] + +By the lady's artful management, the miller sat with only a side view +of the clock, and allowed a few sympathizing glances to be interchanged +between the unhappy squire and his love, as she spread the tempting meal +before her liege lord. Doubtless they both thought the miller's appetite +was enormous, and in the calculation of either of them, he had already +eat a side of bacon, when he declared he had done. _Now for good luck!_ +inwardly exclaimed the dame, _fortune befriend me, and let me get him up +stairs without casting a look upon that poor deplorable face_; which +by the bye had lately been assuming all hues, and within the last two +minutes had turned from a blue red to deadly pale, and back again to red +black; and slight twitches and convulsive motions were observed in +the muscles of his face, as if the poor unfortunate owner of them was +tormented by some body below, who alternately pricked and pinched him. +Oh, what a weight was taken off the heart of the frail fair one, and +how fervently did she offer up vows of chastity in the gratitude of the +moment, when the miller, having eat and drank his fill, made a motion +for the bed room. Gladly was she attending him, when, as ill luck would +have it, a _loud sneeze_ was heard in the room, which was followed by +an equally loud; scream from the lady of the miller, who now gave all up +for lost. It seemed that the dust of the clock-case had been disturbed +by the body of the squire, and part of it being dislodged, had sought +refuge in the intricacies of his nostrils. Hence the wincings and +writhings, which, over and above being abominably nipped, produced the +awful changes recorded above, and at length ended in a sneeze, which he +could no longer restrain. This event had not the expected issue, for +the dame in her fright threw down the candlestick, which she held in +her hand, and extinguished the light. The good miller, now drowsy and +stupid, chid her for being alarmed at the sneezing of a _cat_; and, not +waiting for the poking out of a light from the dying embers, pushed his +wife and himself off to bed, bestowing upon her, by the way, many of +those endearing caresses, which husbands in a good humour lavish upon +their wives; which caresses were certainly as indifferent to her, as +they were doubtless disagreeable to her friend in the clock. Release was +not so soon at hand as the parties sanguinely expected, for though the +miller slept, he took as secure a hold of his faithful dame, as if he +had really been aware of the gaol-delivery she intended to accomplish. +To her last resource, therefore, she was compelled to fly, for the +morning was fast coming on. The miller's sleep was broken by the loud +cries of his wife, who declared she was so ill, she was sure she should +die. She yelled and screamed till the poor man in despair knew not what +to do, and could only cry out _What can I get you, What can I get +you?_ Now the wily dame well knew that _that_ would be the best for +her complaint which was not in the house, so she vociferated _Brandy, +brandy, Oh for some brandy_. The poor husband scrambled up some clothes, +and set off for the nearest public house for some brandy, which +was nearly a mile from his abode. Arriving there, he knocked up the +landlord, who administered the medicine to him. To pay for which, the +distressed husband put his hand in his breeches' pocket, and much to +his own surprise, pulled out a large bundle of bank notes, at which he +stared in amazement; when the landlord cried out, Lord! _you have +got Mr. Farrer's breeches on_. Buckskins, it seems, well known in the +neighbourhood. + +"_The Devil I have_," returned the miller, in a tone which came up like +a groan, as he gazed upon his nether man. Quickly comprehending the +secret of the exchange, he pocketed the notes, drank up the brandy for +his own consolation, and went home, moralizing his pensive path, and +gave the hypocritical culprit the soundest beating she ever had in her +life. She, poor soul! who had been charitably employed in the meanwhile, +in letting the bird out of his cage, was not prepared for this +reception; nor did she understand it until the next morning, when the +breeches were cried round the town by her malignant husband, who also +with no pleasant expression of countenance, made a point of turning over +his newly-acquired riches in her presence. + +[Illustration: 029] + + + + +POINT V. THE JOLLY BEGGARS; OR LOVE AND LIBERTY, A CANTATA. BY ROBERT +BURNS. + + + RECITATIVO. + + When lyart leaves bestrow the yird, + Or wavering like the Bauckie-bird *, + Bedim cauld Boreas' blast; + When hailstanes drive wi' bitter skyte, + And infant frosts begin to bite, + In hoary cranreuch drest; + Ae night at e'en a merry core + O' randie, gangrel bodies, + In Posie-Nansie's** held the splore*** + To drink their orra duddies****: + Wi' quaffing, and laughing, + They ranted an' they sang; + Wi' jumping, an' thumping, + The vera girdle rang. + + * The "bat". + + ** A whiskey house. + + *** Frolic. + + **** Superfluous rags. + + + First, neist the fire, in auld red rags, + Ane sat, weel brac'd wi' mealy bags, + And knapsack a' in order; + His doxy lay within his arm, + Wi' _usquebae_ an' blankets warm, + She blinket on her sodger: + An' ay he gies the tozie drab The tither skelpan kiss, + While she held up her greedy gab Just like an aumous* dish: + Ilk smack still, did crack still, + Just like a cadger's** whip; + Then staggering, an' swaggering, + He roar'd this ditty up-- + + +[Illustration: 032] + + AIR. + + _Tune_--Soldier's Joy. + + + I. + + I am a son of Mars, who have been in many wars, + And shew my cuts and scars wherever I come; + This here was for a wench, and that other in a trench, + When welcoming the French at the sound of the drum. + + _Lai de daudle, &c._ + + II. + + My prenticeship I past, where my leader breath'd his last, + When the bloody die was cast on the heights of Abram; + I served out my trade, when the gallant _game_ was play'd, + And the Moro low was laid at the sound of the drum. + + * A plate for receiving alms. + + ** A man who travels the country, with his + wares on the back of a horse or ass. + + + III. + + I lastly was with Curtis, among the floating batt'ries, + And there I left for witness, an arm and a limb; + Yet let my country need me, with Elliot to head me, + I'll clatter on my stumps at the sound of a drum. + + IV. + + And now tho' I must beg, with a wooden arm and leg, + And many a tatter'd rag hanging over my------, + I'm as happy with my wallet, my bottle and my callet*, + As when I us'd in scarlet to follow a drum. + + V. + + What tho' with hoary locks, + I must stand the winter shocks, + Beneath the woods and rocks oftentimes for a home, + When the tother bag I sell, and the tother bottle tell, + I could meet a troop of hell at the sound of a drum. + + + RECITATIVO. + + He ended; and the kebars** sheuk + Aboon the chorus roar; + While frighted rattons backward leuk, + An' seek the benmost bore***; + A Merry Andrew i' the neuk, + He skirl'd out, _encore!_ + But up arose the martial chuck, + An' laid the loud uproar. + + *Wench. + + **Rafters. + + ***Deepest recess. + + AIR. + + _Tune_--Sodger Laddie. + + + I. + + I once was a maid, tho' I cannot tell when, + And still my delight is in proper young men: + Some one of a troop of dragoons was my daddie, + No wonder I'm fond of a _sodger laddie_. + + Sing, _Lal de lal, &c._ + + + II. + + The first of my loves was a swaggering blade, + To rattle the thundering drum was his trade; + His leg was so tight and his cheek was so ruddy, + Transported was I with my _sodger laddie._ + + + III. + + But the godly old chaplain left him in the lurch, + The sword I forsook for the sake of the church; + He ventur'd the soul, and I risked the body, + 'Twas then I prov'd false to my _sodger laddie._ + + + IV. + + Full soon I grew sick of my sanctified sot, + The regiment at large for a husband I got; + From the gilded spontoon to the fife I was ready, + I asked no more but a _sodger laddie._ + + + V. + + But the _peace_, it reduc'd me to beg in despair, + Till I met my old boy at a _Cunningham_ fair; + His rags regimental they flutter'd so gaudy, + My heart it rejoic'd at my _sodger laddie._ + + + VI. + + And now I have lived--I know not how long, + And still I can join in a cup and a song: + But whilst with both hands I can hold the glass steady, + Here's to thee, my hero, my _sodger laddie._ + + Sing, _Lal de dal, &c._ + + + RECITATIVO. + + Poor Merry Andrew in the neuk + Sat guzzling wi' a tinkler hizzie; + They mind't na wha the chorus teuk, + Between themsels they were sae busy. + At length wi' drink and courting dizzy, + He stoiter'd up an' made a face; + Then turn'd an' laid a smack on Grizzy, + Syne tun'd his pipes wi' grave grimace. + + + AIR. + + _Tune_--Auld Sir Simon. + + Sir Wisdom's a fool when he's fou, + Sir Knave is a fool in a session; + He's there but a prentice, I trow, + But I am a fool by profession. + My Grannie she bought me a beuk, + An' I held awa to the school; + I fear I my talent misteuk, + But what will ye hae of a fool. + For drink I would venture my neck; + A hizzie's the half of my craft; + But what could ye other expect + Of ane that's avowedly daft. + I ance was ty'd up like a stirk, + For civilly swearing and quaffing; + I ance was abus'd i' the Kirk, + For towzing a lass i' my daffin. + Poor Andrew that tumbles for sport, + Let naebody name wi' a jeer; + There's ev'n, I'm tauld, i' the court, + A _Tumbler_ ca'd the _Premier_. + Observ'd ye yon reverend lad + Mak faces to tickle the mob; + He rails at our mountebank squad, + It's _rivalship_ just i' the job. + And now my conclusion I'll tell, + For faith I'm confoundedly dry, + The chiel that's a fool for himsel, + Guid Lord, he's far dafter than I. + + +[Illustration: 037] + + + + +POINT VI. + + + RECITATIVO. + + Then neist outspak a raucle carlin*, + Wha kent fu' weel to cleek the sterlin'; + For mony a pursie she had hooked, + An' had in mony a well been douked: + Her Love had been a _Highland laddie_, + But weary fa' the waefu' woodie**! + Wi' sighs and sobs she thus began, + To wail her braw _John Highlandman_. + + + AIR. + + _Tune_--O an ye were dead, Gudeman. + + + I. + + A highland lad my love was born, + The Lalland laws he held in scorn; + But he still was faithfu' to his clan, + My gallant, braw _John Highlandman!_ + + + CHORUS. + + _Sing hey my braw John Highlandman! + Sing ho my brazo John Highlandman! + There's not a lad in a' the lan' + Was match for my John Highlandman!_ + + * A sturdy raw-boned dame. + ** The gallows. + + + II. + + With his philibeg an' tartan plaid, + An' guid claymore down by his side, + The ladies' hearts he did trepan, + My gallant, braw _John Highlandman._ + + _Sing, hey, &c._ + + + III. + + We ranged a' from Tweed to Spey, + An' liv'd like lords an' ladies gay; + For a lalland face he feared none, + My gallant, braw _John Highlandman._ + + _Sing, hey, &c._ + + + IV. + + They banish'd him beyond the sea, + But ere the bud was on the tree, + Adown my cheeks the pearls ran, + Embracing my _John Highlandman._ + + _Sing, hey, &c._ + + + V. + + But och! they catch'd him at the last, + And bound him in a dungeon fast; + My curse upon them every one, + They've hang'd my braw _John Highlandman._ + + _Sing, hey, &c._ + + + VI. + + And now a widow I must mourn, + Departed joys that ne'er return; + No comfort but a hearty can, + When I think on _John Highlandman._ + + _Sing, hey, &c._ + + + RECITATIVO. + + A pigmy scraper wi' his fiddle, + Wha us'd to trystes and fairs to driddle. + Her strappen limb an' gausy middle, + (He reach'd na higher,) + Had hol'd his heartie like a riddle, + An' blawn't on fire. + W' hand on hainch, an' upward e'e, + He croon'd his gamut, _one, two, three,_ + Then in an arioso key, + The wee Apollo Set off wi' _allegretto_ glee + His _giga solo._ + + + AIR. + + _Tune_--Whistle owre the lave o't. + Let me ryke up to dight that tear, + An' go wi' me an' be my dear; + An' then your every _care_ and _fear_ + May whistle owre the lave o't. + + + CHORUS. + + _I am fidler to my trade, + An' at the tunes that e'er I play'd, + The sweetest still to wife or maid, + Was, whistle owre the lave o't._ + At kirns an' weddins we'se be there, + An' O sae nicely's we will fare! + We'll bowse about till Dadie + Care Sing whistle owre the lave o't. + + _I am, &c._ + + Sae merrily's the banes we'll pyke, + An' sun oursells about the dyke; + An' at our leisure when ye like + We'll--whistle owre the lave o't.-- + + _I am, &c._ + + But bless me wi' your heav'n o' charms, + And while I kittle * hair on thairms, + Hunger, cauld, an' a' sic harms + May whistle owre the lave o't. + + _I am, &c._ + + RECITATIVO. + + Her charms had struck a sturdy _Caird_ **, + As weel as poor _Gutscraper_; + He taks the fiddler by the beard, + An' draws a roosty rapier-- + He swoor by a' was swearing worth, + To speet him like a pli ver, + Unless he would from that time forth + Relinquish her for ever: + + +[Illustration: 042] + + Wi' ghastly e'e, poor _tweedle-dee_, + Upon his hunkers*** bended, + An' pray'd for grace wi' ruefu' face, + An' so the quarrel ended; + But tho' his little heart did grieve, + When round the _tinker_ prest her, + He feign'd to snirtle in his sleeve, + When thus the _Caird_ address'd her + + * While I rub a horse-hair bow upon cat-gut. + + ** Tinker. + + ***Haunches. + + + AIR. + + _Tune_--Clout the Caudron. + + I.. + + My bonie lass I work in brass, + A tinkler is my station; + I've travell'd round all Christian ground + In this my occupation; + I've ta'en the gold, I've been enroll'd + In many a noble squadron; + But vain they search'd, when off I march'd + To go an' clout the caudron. + + _I've ta 'en the gold, &c._ + + + II. + + Despise that shrimp, that wither'd imp, + With a' his noise an' caprin; + An' take a share with those that bear + The budget an' the apron! + An' by that stowp, my faith an' houpe, + An' by that dear Kilbaigie*! + If e'er ye want, or meet with scant, + May I ne'er weet my craigie. + + _An' by that stowp, &c._ + + + RECITATIVO. + + The Caird prevail'd--th' unblushing fair + In his embraces sunk; + Partly wi' love o'ercome sa sair, + An' partly she was drunk: + _Sir Violino_, with an air, + That show'd a man o' spunk, + Wish'd unison between the pair, + An' made the bottle clunk + To their health that night. + + * A well known kind of whiskey. + + But hurchin Cupid shot a shaft, + That play'd a dame a shavie-- + A sailor rak'd her fore and aft, + Behind the chicken cavie. + Her lord a wight o' Homer's craft, + Tho' limpan wi' the spavie, + He hirpl'd up an' lap like daft, + An _shor'd_ * them _Dainty Davie_ + O'boot that night. + He was a care-defying blade, + As ever Bacchus listed! + Tho' fortune sair upon him laid, + His heart, she ever miss'd it: + He had no wish but--to be glad, + Nor want but--when he thirsted; + He hated nought but--to be sad, + An' thus the Muse suggested + His sang that night. + + + AIR. + + _Tune_--for a' that, an' a' that. + + + I. + + I am a bard of no regard + Wi' gentle-folks, an' a' that; + But Homer-like, the glowran byke**, + Frae town to town I draw that. + + + CHORUS. + + _For a' that, an' a' that, + An' twice as muckle's a' that, + I've lost but ane, I've twa behin' + I've wife eneugh 'or a' that._ + + * Promised. + + ** The multitude. + + II. + + I never drank the Muses' _tank_, + Castalia's burn an' a' that; + But there it streams, an' richly reams + My _Helicon_ I ca' that. + + _For a' that, &c._ + + + III. + + Great love I bear to all the Fair, + Their humble slave, an' a' that; + But lordly Will, I hold it still + A mortal sin to thraw that. + + _For a' that, &c._ + + + IV. + + In raptures sweet, this hour we meet, + Wi' mutual love an' a' that; + But for how lang the flie may stang, + Let Inclination law that. + + _For a' that, &c._ + + + V. + + Their tricks an' craft hae put me daft, + They've ta'en me in, an' a' that; + But clear your decks, an' here's _the Sex!_ + I like the jads for a' that. + + _For a' that, an a' that,_ + + An' twice as muckle's a' that, + My dearest bluid, to do them guid, + _They're welcome till't for a' that._ + + + + +POINT VII. + + + RECITATIVO. + + So sung the _Bard_--and Nansie's waws + Shook wi' a thunder of applause, + Re-echo'd from each mouth! + They toom'd * their pokes, they pawn'd their duds**, + They scarcely left to coor their fuds, + To quench their lowan drouth. + + +[Illustration: 048] + + Then owre again, the jovial thrang, + The poet did request, + To lowse his pack an' wale a sang, + A ballad o' the best.. + He, rising, rejoicing, + Between his _two, Deborahs_, + Looks round him, an' found them + Impatient for the chorus. + + * Opened. + + **Rags. + + + + +POINT VIII. + + + AIR. + + _Tune_--JOLLY MORTALS, fill your glasses. + + +[Illustration: 051] + + + I. + + See! the smoking bowl before us, + Mark our jovial, ragged ring! + Round and round take up the chorus, + And in raptures let us sing-- + _A fig for those by law protected,_ + Liberty's _a glorious feast! + Courts for cowards were erected, + Churches built to please the priest._ + What is title, what is treasure, + What is reputation's care? + If we lead a life of pleasure, + 'Tis no matter how or where. + + _A fig, &c._ + + III. + + With the ready trick and fable, + Round we wander all the day; + And at night, in barn or stable, + Hug our doxies on the hay. + + _A fig, &c._ + + + IV. + + Does the train-attended carriage + Thrp' the country lighter rove? + Does the sober bed of marriage + Witness brighter scenes of love? + + _A fig, &c._ + + V. + + Life is all a _variorum,_ + We regard not how it goes; + Let them cant about, decorum + Who have character to lose. + + _A fig, &c._ + + + VI. + + Here's to _budgets, bags, and wallets!_ + Here's to all the wandering train! + Here's _our ragged brats and callets!_ + One and all cry out, _Amen!_ + + _A fig for those by law protected,_ + Liberty's _a glorious feast! + Courts for cowards were erected, + Churches built to please the priest._ + + +[Illustration: 053] + + + + +POINT IX. THE DOWNFALL OF HOLY CHURCH. + +In the year of 1460, Revel was governed by a General, whose name was +John of Mengden; a worthy old man, who loved his glass of wine, and had +the gout; for wine and the gout are sister's children. It was his custom +to ride out occasionally on a black horse down to the shores of the +Baltic, whence he continued his way to a convent of nuns consecrated +to St. Bridget. This nunnery, which was called Marianthal, was situated +about a mile from the town, and its ruins are inhabited by owls and +ravens. + +On one of these excursions he was accompanied by the Lord Marshal, +Gothard of Plettenberg. + +As they approached the convent wall, the Marshal's horse became suddenly +restive. "Have you heard," said he, "the strange, stories of the +subterraneous passage, and that it winds in intricate mazes round the +cloister?"---- "No," replied John of Mengden, "but I should like to hear +them over a bottle; you shall relate them to me in the evening." + +"It may be done now, and in a few words," rejoined the other; "for we +stand exactly before the subterraneous passage, or mouth of the cavern; +but for fifty years, not a human foot has advanced beyond the bottom of +the steps, there the torches are always blown out." + +The burgomaster of Revel, who was then with them, made a cross on his +breast, and confirmed the statement. "Sometimes," continued Gothard, +"are heard, during the night, the sounds of soft music, arising slowly +and melodiously from the cave, like the sweet tones of musical glasses, +with an accompaniment of the songs of angels. The holy sisters of the +convent are frequent listeners to this divine harmony, though none of +the words can be understood." + +"Let the venerable Lady Abbess come down to me," said the general, as +he alighted from his horse, and placed his glove in his sword-belt. The +Abbess now appeared, veiled. She modestly curtsied to the knight, and +presented him with a cup of Spanish wine. The old General laid himself +down on the grass, and asked the sainted lady if she could give him any +information relative to the subterraneous passage? The Abbess replied in +the affirmative, adding a number of particulars concerning what she +and her pious sisters had seen,--and fancied they had seen--heard, and +fancied they had heard. + +"So God and St. Vitus help me!" exclaimed the governor, "I will +myself make an attempt to descend into the cavern; give me a lighted, +consecrated torch." + +The burgomaster crossed himself all over. A cold shivering seized him; +the only vault into which he had been accustomed to descend, was the +town-cellar which was haunted by none but _choice spirits_, with which +he was familiar. + +The lady Abbess entreated the old man not to undertake so rash an +enterprize; and assured him, that the spirits of former times, unlike +those of the present day, would not allow themselves to be sported with. +But in arguing with the brave old General, they talked to the wind +which blew over the Baltic. The consecrated torches were brought, the +corpulent General repeated an Ave-Maria, recommended himself to St. +Vitus, his protecting Saint, and courageously entered the mysterious +passage. The sound of his feet was still heard on the steps; his +breathing was still audible, and the glimmer of his torch played on the +damp walls. On a sudden all was silent, and the light disappeared. The +listeners above were on the stretch of attention. Go-thard was stationed +on the upper step; the burgomaster a few paces further back; and behind +him stood the Abbess, her rosary running through her fingers. They +listened, but all was still! "Holloa there, John of Mengden!--how fare +you?" thundered the voice of Gothard; yet all was still as the grave. +The listeners were alarmed; they inclined their ears; they stood lightly +on tip-toe; they restrained their breath--not a sound ascended. The +cavern yawned before them, and all was silent below; "Holy St. Bridget! +what can have happened? Let the priests be summoned, and mass be said, +to appease the spirits!" + +The lady Abbess hastened to the convent, rang the chapel-bell, when +all the pious sisterhood hurried from their cells, fell upon their bare +knees, chastizing themselves, and praying to heaven for mercy towards +the old General. The burgomaster threw himself upon his horse, and +trotted back to the town to impart the terrible news to his wife, +children and domestics. Gothard, who was a courageous knight, alone +remained, absorbed in gloomy reflection, leaning against the wall, with +his eyes fixed on the darkness beneath. Thus he continued during two +hours. At last he thought he heard on the steps, some one breathing +and struggling.--"John of Mengden!" he vociferated--"are you alive, +or dead?"---"I am alive!" replied the General, half breathless, as he +stumbled up the steps. "Thanks to God and St. Bridget!--we have been +in agony on your account. Where have you been? What have you heard or +seen?" The General then related that he had quietly descended, with +the consecrated taper in his hand; that his heart beat a little as he +advanced; that a cold shiver had begun to seize him; but that he took +courage, as his taper burnt always clear and bright: that at length he +stood on the bottom step, and looked down an endless passage, doubtful +whether, under the protection of St. Bridget, he should move forward or +backward; that suddenly he was surrounded by a lukewarm breeze, mild +and fragrant, as if wafted over a bed of flowers, which in a moment +extinguished his taper, and so clouded his senses, that he sunk like +a dead man on the steps, and then lay a considerable time in a sort of +trance; that at last he awoke again, and it appeared to him as if he +were gently moved by a warm hand, though he knew not where he was, nor +what had happened to him; that he stretched out his hands, and felt +nothing but the cold stone; but that, as a little daylight glimmered +upon him from above, he composed his spirits, and began to creep with +difficulty up the steps; that when on them he was perfectly recovered, +feeling only a slight oppression in the head, similar to the effect of +intoxication. + +"Well, brother," said he to the lord-marshal, "will not you also make +the attempt, and try whether it will not succeed better with you." + +Gothard of Plettenberg demurred: notwithstanding he never feared, in +former times, a knight of flesh and bone, as long as he was able to +wield his sword; yet, with respect to ghosts, a very just exception +was allowed; and a knight might tremble in the dark like an old woman, +without any stain upon his honor, or impeachment of his valour. Now +a days, the matter is quite altered, and a man may fear any thing but +ghosts. + +"By my sword," said the governor, as he was returning home, "I will +investigate the causes of this mystery. I must know from whose mouth +proceeded the gentle breath, that smelt fragrant as the plants of +the east, and yet had force enough to extinguish the flame of the +consecrated taper, and even to confuse my head, as though I had been +drunk." + +He instantly sent for Henry of Uxkull, bishop of Revel, and the Abbot, +of Pardis. Being arrived, they were entertained at a large oak table, +and quaffed wine from the family goblet. They listened to the fearful +story of their host, with their fat hands folded upon their huge +bellies, and shook their heads with significant silence. + +Having well weighed the matter, knitted their brows and assumed an air +of importance, they finally agreed _that they knew not what to think of +it_. Each then waddled to his home and thought no more of the mysterious +cavern. + +But it was not so with the General. He could not rest. His fancy was on +the rack, to account for the mystery. On the next morning, he despatched +letters to the Archbishop of Riga, to a learned canon, and two pious +deans of the holy church of Riga--stating "that a surprising incident +had obliged him to have recourse to their piety and wisdom, and +entreating that they would be at Revel on St. Egidius's day, to discuss +in Christian humility this weighty affair." + +They came on the appointed day: for they were aware that the cellar +of the Governor contained excellent wine, and that his was no niggard +hospitality. The archbishop of Revel, and the Abbot of Pardis, were +likewise invited to assist, who failed not at the proper hour to present +themselves at the castle. An elegant repast had been prepared for them, +bumpers went cheerily round to the prosperity of Holy Church, and to the +perpetual bloom of the German order of religion. When their spiritual +stomachs were sufficiently gorged, the General thus addressed them: +"Reverend and pious fathers! thus and thus it happened to me and my +friend here, Gothard of Plettenberg," recounting his story--"What is +to be done to liberate the spirits who wander and breathe in the +subterraneous passage?" + +"They must be driven out by force," replied the archbishop of Riga, "and +the power to do this was given to bishops from above." + +"A wisp of hay should be steeped in holy water," added the canon, "with +which the steps of the dark passage should be sprinkled." + +One of the deans advised that "the little chest with the Egyptian +hieroglyphics, which was kept as a relic in the convent of St. Bridget, +should be taken to the cavern.". + +The other dean was of opinion that the spirits should be allowed to +continue without molestation so long as they only wandered and breathed. + +The archbishop of Revel was also of the same sentiment, but the Abbot of +Pardis applauded this idea of the Egyptian hieroglyphics. + +Last of all, the old General proposed that they should immediately ride +to the beach, and employ the arms of the church against the inhabitants +of the subterraneous passage. The wine had imparted its spirit to the +holy fathers; and they now felt courage to engage, if necessary, even +with the fiends of hell. + +Within half an hour they were at the convent gate! + +Three times were the consecrated torches borne round by the archbishop, +who, muttering between his teeth, dipped the wisp into a large ewer of +holy water, and plentifully besprinkled all present; Thus spiritually +armed, they silently and cautiously approached the entrance of the +cavern. Here a question arose, "who should go down first?" Those +who were at home were unwilling to rob the strangers of the honor of +precedence. The deans drew back, as being merely subalterns in the +church, out of respect to their bishop. The archbishop bowed to the +right learned canon, and he bowed to the rest. The General became +impatient, and forced the archbishop down the steps. The rest followed +with beating hearts and tottering knees. + +Each carried in his hand a consecrated taper; and with a rosary hanging +at his elbow, sprinkled the walls with drops of holy water. The last +of the procession was the Abbot of Pardis, who, grown unwieldy by the +luxurious diet of the church, could scarcely drag his short puffed legs +after his fat and bulky paunch. The steps too were not only small, but +damp and slippery; whence it happened, that on the second step the +Abbot lost his footing, and falling with his whole weight upon Henry of +Uxkull, they both fell upon the last dean: all three on the first dean; +all four on the canon; all five upon the archbishop of Riga; when the +whole troop rolled helter skelter down the steps, and plumped to the +bottom like so many sacks, there remaining senseless! + +[Illustration: 061] + +The consecrated tapers were extinguished, and the venerable group were +veiled by a sort of Egyptian darkness. The General, who remained above, +heard the tremendous rumbling, to which succeeded a dead silence. For +two hours he listened, called on each by name, and waited in vain for +a reply. His voice alone was returned to him in a dull and hollow echo. +The only sound which met his eager listening, was that of the terrified +bat, flitting in the depths of the cavern; or, at intervals, the scream +of the frightened owl. + +He was a man of uncommon courage, and he resolved to descend once more +himself, to see what was become of his guests; but as a prelude to this +perilous expedition, he determined to enliven his natural spirits by +a draught of generous wine. As he vociferated--"a cup of wine," to the +groom who held his horse, the word Wine reached the ears of the holy +men--they disentangled themselves from each other, scrambled up, their +foreheads bedewed with the sweat of terror, and when they had recovered +themselves, they confessed unanimously _that they were not able to +unravel the mystery._ + +Thus ended the second attempt to gain a more intimate acquaintance with +the spirits of the subterraneous passage, and thenceforward no one was +bold enough to tread the magic ground. + + + + +POINT X. A VISIT WITHOUT FORM. + +When the Cardinal Bernis resided at Rome in the capacity of Ambassador +from France, he bore the highest character for sanctity--yet the +Cardinal was a man, though a churchman; and churchmen are sometimes not +invulnerable to the shafts of love. A pair of speaking black eyes like +those of the Princess B., have before now made sad havoc in the heart +of the votary of celibacy. The lady was conscious of her own charms, +but being married to the man she loved, instead of setting them off by +certain little manouvres which some ladies perfectly understand how to +put in practice, she carefully avoided giving any encouragement to the +Cardinal, whose constant attendance upon her began to give her some +uneasiness. At length the Cardinal, finding that his visits, attentions, +_cadeaux_, and fine speeches had no effect, determined upon seeking an +opportunity of making the lady sensible of the excess of his passion. +One morning the Princess, on returning from mass, in her haste to +avoid a violent shower of rain, tripped as she was getting out of her +carriage, and sprained her ancle. The Cardinal, who by his spies was +informed of every step the Princess took, had attended at mass also; and +as he was following the Princess, unobserved, he saw the accident and +ran to her assistance, raised her into the carriage, and very humbly +entreated her to allow him the honour of seeing her safe home. His +Excellency was not to be refused consistently with etiquette, so the +poor Princess was under the necessity of hearing all the pretty things +the Ambassador had reserved for the occasion. All his protestations and +entreaties proved fruitless, and the poor lady arrived at the palace +almost exhausted with the alarm the conversation had caused her. She now +endeavoured with all care to avoid receiving the Cardinal's visits, but +the old gentleman's amorous plans were not to be thwarted.--He still +found means of seeing her, and again attacked her with his vows +and protestations, so that the lady, unable to bear it any longer, +determined to inform the Prince, and related to him all the +circumstances of the affair. The Prince was enraged, and threatened all +kinds of vengeance against the lover; but however, when the first burst +of passion had a little subsided, he said to her, "We are, my love, in a +very aukward situation, for the Cardinal being Ambassador his person is +sacred; besides we should have the whole consistory and his holiness at +their head, thundering excommunication upon us. However, I will think +of some scheme of cooling the passion of this holy gentleman." He +accordingly suggested that she should write word to the Cardinal, that +as her husband was going that evening to his Villa near Tivoli, to order +some improvement to be made which would detain him the best part of next +day, she had determined to admit a visit from him; but that in order to +keep the matter a secret from the servants, she desired him to come at +midnight; that she would fix a silken ladder at her room window +which looked into the garden, whence he might easily ascend into the +anti-room, where he would find the door open that led into her own room. +The reader will naturally conceive the transports which this delicious +billet excited in the worthy Cardinal. He danced, and leaped and capered +about for joy, rang the bell, gave contradictory orders, and convinced +his valet that he was mad. He had the sense however to direct a suit of +his finest linen to be prepared, and to countermand the order for his +carriage, for he bethought himself he had better go privately. How +tedious did the hours, which intervened before the time of appointment, +appear to our ardent lover, and when the clock struck eleven he could +no longer wait. It was a good distance, he must be there in time, not +a second too late; therefore off he set after taking some precautions +against his sacred person being discovered. He arrives, panting with +love and hope; the burning of Mongibello could scarcely exceed the +conflagration within him. He gets to the garden-gate. One cannot think +of every thing. The Princess in her flurry had forgotten to order the +garden-gate to be left open. What was to be done? The wall was not high; +but must his Eminence endanger his sacred person? Love, however, the +sovereign ruler, who makes even cowards heroes, animated him. It was +dreadfully dark; but luckily, in feeling for the height of the wall, the +anxious lover found an aperture in it large enough to admit the foot: +into this he stepped, gave a spring, and got to the top; and then slid +down the other side, not however without losing his hat and cloak, which +owing to the darkness of the night he could not find again, nor was +he aware, for the same reason, how he was daubed with mortar and +brick-dust. In this pickle, our Adonis made the best of his way to find +the ladder, tumbling over orange-trees and rosebushes, to the manifest +injury of his cassock, which began to hang about him in rags. At last +he reached the ladder, seized hold of it, stopped, panted a while for +breath, and then up he went. He had just got one leg through the window, +when the two large folding doors of the apartment flew open, and +fifteen or twenty servants with lighted torches in their hands presented +themselves before him. + +[Illustration: 068] + +The Prince, at their head, ran up to the window, and with all courtesy +helped in the astonished Cardinal, and turning to the servants said, +"Scoundrels! is it thus you pay respect to the sacred person of the +Cardinal Bernis? Is it thus, by your negligence, that you compel his +Eminence, when coming to my wife, to venture his precious life upon +a slight ladder and force him through the window in this miserable +plight?" Conceive the situation of the bald-pated, cloakless, and +tattered Cardinal, as he stood ashamed and terrified before the jeering +Prince and his twenty torchbearers. His trembling knees could scarcely +support him, as, half dead with fright, shame, and disappointment, he +sneaked out of the room, still lighted by the torches and bowed out +by the Prince, who continued to apologize for the carelessness of his +servants, much to the annoyance of the poor Cardinal, whose misery was +heightened by one stroke more; for, as he was huddling off, he just +caught the face of the Princess, peeping through the opening of a door +with some friends, all almost convulsed with laughter. + +[Illustration: 070] + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Points of Humour, Part I (of II), by Anonymous + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44517 *** |