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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Points of Humour, Part I (of II), by Anonymous
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Points of Humour, Part I (of II)
+
+Author: Anonymous
+
+Illustrator: George Cruikshank
+
+Release Date: December 26, 2013 [EBook #44517]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK POINTS OF HUMOUR, PART I (OF II) ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger from images provided by the Internet Archive
+
+
+
+
+
+
+POINTS OF HUMOUR
+
+Part I.
+
+By Anonymous
+
+Illustrated By The Designs Of George Cruikshank.
+
+Ten Engravings On Copper and Twelve Wood Cuts
+
+London: Published By C. Baldwyn, Newgate Street
+
+1823.
+
+               "Let mee play the fool:
+     With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come;
+     And let my liver rather heat with wine,
+          Than my heart cool with mortifying groans,
+     Why should a man, whose blood is warm through,
+          Sit like his grandsire, cut in alubaster?
+     Sleep when he wakes, and creep into the jaundice by being peevish?"
+
+                                          Shakspear
+
+
+
+PREFACE.
+
+It will be readily perceived that the literary part of this work is of
+humble pretensions. One object alone has been aimed at and it is hoped
+with success--to select or to invent those incidents which' might be
+interesting or amusing in themselves, while they afforded scope for the
+peculiar talents of the artist who adorns them with his designs. The
+selection was more difficult than may at first sight be supposed. It is
+true, there is no paucity of subjects of wit and humour, but he who
+will take the trouble to examine them, will find how few are adapted for
+pictorial representation. No artist can embody a point of wit, and the
+humour of many of the most laughable stories would vanish at the
+touch of the pencil of the most ingenious designer in the world. Those
+ludicrous subjects only which are rich in the humour of _situation_ are
+calculated for graphic illustration. To prove the following anecdotes
+are not deficient in this respect, no other appeal is necessary than to
+the plates themselves! Look at the breadth of the humour, the point
+of the situation, the selection of the figures, the action, and its
+accompaniments, and deny (without a laugh on the face) that this portion
+of the work answers the end in view. In all this the writer or compiler,
+or whatever he may be called, claims little merit. That the whole effect
+is comic, that the persons are ludicrous, and engaged in laughable
+groups and surrounded with objects which tend to broaden the grin, all
+this, and a thousand times more, belongs to Mr. Cruikshank;--the writer
+only claims the merit of having suggested to him the materials.
+
+Some of the ten points, now submitted to the public, arise out of
+a reprint of that admirable piece of humour, the Jolly Beggars of
+Burns;--A part of his works almost unknown to the public, in consequence
+of the scrupulousness of the poet's biographer and editor, who withheld
+them from the world. Lest we however should incur the charge, which
+Dr. Currie apprehended, we beg leave to prefix the observations on
+this subject by the first literary character in the kingdom, Sir Walter
+Scott, as they appeared in the _Quarterly Review._
+
+"Yet applauding, as we do most highly applaud, the leading principles
+of Dr. Currie's selection, we are aware that they sometimes led him into
+fastidious and over-delicate rejection of the bard's most spirited and
+happy effusions. A thin octavo, published at Glasgow in 1801, under the
+title of 'Poems ascribed to Robert Burns, the Ayrshire bard,' furnishes
+valuable proofs of this assertion; it contains, among a good deal of
+rubbish, some of his most brilliant poetry. A cantata, in particular,
+called _The Jolly Beggars_, for humorous description and nice
+discrimination of character, is inferior to no poem of the same length
+in the whole range of English poetry. The scene, indeed, is laid in the
+very lowest department of low life, the actors being a set of strolling
+vagrants, met to carouse, and barter their rags and plunder for liquor
+in a hedge ale-house. Yet even in describing the movements of such a
+group, the native taste of the poet has never suffered his pen to slide
+into any thing coarse or disgusting. The extravagant glee and outrageous
+frolic of the beggars are ridiculously contrasted with their maimed
+limbs, rags, and crutches--the sordid and squalid circumstances of their
+appearance are judiciously thrown into the shade. Nor is the art of the
+poet less conspicuous in the individual figures, than in the general
+mass. The festive vagrants are distinguished from each other by personal
+appearance and character, as much as any fortuitous assembly in the
+higher orders of life. The group, it must be observed, is of Scottish
+character, and doubtless our northern brethren are more familiar with
+its varieties than we are; yet the distinctions are too well marked
+to escape even the southern. The most prominent persons are a maimed
+soldier and his female companion, a hackneyed follower of the camp,
+a stroller, late the consort of an highland ketterer, or sturdy
+beggar--'but weary fa' the waefu' woodie!'--Being now at liberty, she
+becomes an object of rivalry between a pigmy scraper with his fiddle'
+and a strolling tinker. The latter, a desperate bandit, like most of his
+profession, terrifies the musician out of the field, and is preferred by
+the damsel of course. A wandering ballad-singer, with a brace of doxies,
+is last introduced upon the stage. Each of these mendicants sings a song
+in character, and such a collection of humorous lyrics, connected by
+vivid poetical description, is not perhaps to be paralleled in the
+English language. The ditty chaunted by the Ballad Singer is certainly
+far superior to any thing in the _Beggar's Opera_, where alone we could
+expect to find its parallel.
+
+"We are at a loss to conceive any good reason why Dr. Currie did not
+introduce this singular and humorous cantata into his collection. It is
+true, that in one or two passages the muse has trespassed slightly upon
+decorum, where, in the language of Scottish song,
+
+          "High kilted was she,
+          "As she gaed owre the lea."
+
+"Something, however, is to be allowed to the nature of the subject, and
+something to the education of the poet: and if from veneration to the
+names of Swift and Dryden, we tolerate the grossness of the one, and the
+indelicacy of the other, the respect due to that of Burns, may surely
+claim indulgence for a few light strokes of broad humour..
+
+"Knowing that this, and hoping that other compositions of similar spirit
+and tenor, might yet be recovered, we were induced to think that some of
+them, at least, had found a place in the collection given to the public
+by Mr. Cromek. But he has neither risqued the censure, nor gained the
+applause, which might have belonged to such an undertaking."
+
+
+
+
+POINT I. THE POINT OF HONOUR.
+
+When the American army was at Valley Forge in the winter of 1777, a
+captain of the Virginian Line refused a challenge sent him by a brother
+officer, alleging that his life was devoted to the service of his
+country, and that he did not think it a point of duty to risk it to
+gratify the caprice of any man. This _point of duty_ gave occasion to _a
+point of humour_ which clearly displayed the brilliant _points_ of the
+officer's character, and exposed the weak ones of his brothers in
+the service in a very _pointed_ manner. His antagonist gave him the
+character of a coward through the whole army. Conscious of not having
+merited the aspersion, and discovering the injury he should sustain in
+the minds of those unacquainted with him, he repaired one evening to a
+general meeting of the officers of that line. On his entrance, he
+was avoided by the company, and the officer who had challenged him,
+insolently ordered him to leave the room; a request which was loudly
+re-echoed from all parts. He refused, and asserted that he came there to
+vindicate his fame; and after mentioning the reasons which induced him
+not to accept the challenge, he applied a large hand grenade to the
+candle, and when the fuse had caught fire, threw it on the floor,
+saying, "Here, gentlemen, this will quickly determine which of us all
+dare brave danger most."
+
+[Illustration: 010]
+
+At first they stared upon him for a moment in stupid astonishment,
+but their eyes soon fell upon the fuse of the grenade, which was fast
+burning down. Away scampered Colonel, General, Ensign, and Captain, and
+all made a rush at the door. "Devil take the hindmost." Some fell, and
+others made way over the bodies of their comrades; some succeeded
+in getting out, but for an instant there was a general heap of flesh
+sprawling at the entrance of the apartment. Here was a colonel jostling
+with a subaltern, and there fat generals pressing lean lieutenants into
+the boards, and blustering majors, and squeaking ensigns wrestling
+for exit; the size of one and the feebleness of the other making their
+chance of departure pretty equal, until time, which does all things
+at last, cleared the room and left the noble captain standing over the
+grenade with his arms folded, and his countenance expressing every kind
+of scorn and contempt for the train of scrambling red coats, as they
+toiled and bustled and bored their way out of the door.
+
+After the explosion had taken place, some of them ventured to return,
+to take a peep at the mangled remains of their comrade, whom however to
+their great surprise they found alive and uninjured.--When they were all
+gone, the captain threw himself flat on the floor as the only possible
+means of escape, and fortunately came off with a whole skin, and a
+repaired reputation.
+
+
+
+
+POINT II. THE SHORT COURTSHIP.
+
+As a gentleman was passing along one of the more retired streets of
+London late in the evening, he stumbled over the body of an old man,
+whom on examination he found in a state of excessive inebriation, and
+who had in consequence tumbled down and rolled into the kennel. He had
+not gone many yards farther when he found an old woman very nearly in
+the same circumstances. It immediately struck Mr. L. that this was
+some poor old couple, who, overcome with the fatigues of the day, had
+indulged too freely in some restorative beverage, whether Hodges' or
+Deady's the historian does not say. Full of this idea, and animated by
+his own charitable disposition, Mr. L. soon made arrangements for the
+reception of the poor couple into a neighbouring public house, where the
+landlord promised that the senseless pair should be undressed and placed
+in a warm and comfortable bed. To bed they were put. Mr. L. left them
+lying side by side, snoring in concert, and likely to pass together a
+more harmonious night than perhaps would have been the case had they
+possessed the full enjoyment of their senses. L. journeyed homewards
+filled with the satisfaction arising from the performance of a kind
+deed, and never reflected that there was a possibility of his having
+joined a pair whom the laws of God had not made one. The fact was, that
+the old man and the old woman were perfect strangers to each other,
+and their being found in a similar situation was purely accidental. In
+London, however extraordinary it may appear, many poor folks get drunk
+at night, especially Saturday night, and what is not less wonderful,
+they are in this state often unable to preserve their balance--the laws
+of gravity exert their influence, and the patient rolls into the
+kennel. Soundly--soundly did this late united pair sleep and snore
+till morning,--when the light broke in upon them and disclosed the
+secret.--Imagine the consternation of the old lady when the fumes of
+intoxication were dissipated, and she opened her eyes upon her snoring
+partner--where she was or how she had been put there she knew not. It
+was clear she was in bed with a man, and that was an event which had
+never happened to her before,--so she set up a scream, and roused the
+old gentleman, whose astonishment was not a jot less than the lady's.
+
+[Illustration: 015]
+
+She sat upon end in bed staring at him, he moved himself into, a similar
+situation and riveted his eyes upon her, and so they remained for a few
+instant's both full of perfect wonderment;--at last it struck the poor
+lady that this was some monster of a man who had succeeded in some
+horrible design upon her honour; the idea in a moment gave her the
+look and manner of a fury, she flung out of bed and roared aloud to the
+admiration of all the inmates of the house, who attracted by her first
+scream were already peeping in at the door of the room,--"make me an
+honest woman, thou wretch," she cried--"villain that you are,--make an
+honest woman of me, or I'll be the death of thee"--down she sat upon the
+bed-stocks, and as she attempted to dress herself she interlarded her
+occupation with calling for vengeance upon her horrible seducer, who sat
+trembling at the other side of the bed, vainly attempting in his fright
+to insinuate his legs into his old tattered breeches. The landlord at
+last interfered with the authority of his station, and on inquiry found
+that no breach had been made which could not be easily repaired. The old
+gentleman was asked if he had any objection to take his fair bedfellow
+for a helpmate during the remainder of his life; he stammered out his
+acquiescence as well as he could, and the enraged virgin consented to
+smooth down her anger on satisfaction being made to her injured honour.
+The bargain was soon struck, the happy pair were bundled off to church,
+amidst the laughing shouts of the mob, where a parson waited to make
+good the match too precipitately formed by our charitable friend.
+
+
+
+
+POINT III. YES OR NO?
+
+Frederick the Great, King of Prussia, was so remarkably fond of
+children, that he suffered the sons of the Prince Royal to enter his
+apartment whenever they thought proper. One day, while he was writing in
+his closet, the eldest of these princes was playing at shuttlecock near
+him. The shuttlecock happened to fall upon the table at which the
+King sat, who threw it at the young prince and continued to write. The
+shuttlecock falling on the table a second time, the King threw it back,
+looking sternly at the child, who promised that no accident of the kind
+should happen again; the shuttlecock however fell a third time and even
+upon the paper on which the king was writing. Frederick then took the
+shuttlecock and put it in his pocket: the little prince humbly asked
+pardon and begged the King to return him his shuttlecock. His Majesty
+refused: the prince redoubled his entreaties, but no attention was paid
+to them; the young prince at length being tired of begging, advanced
+boldly towards the King, put his two hands on his side, and tossing
+back his little head with great haughtiness, said in a threatening tone,
+"Will your Majesty give me my shuttlecock, Yes or No?"
+
+[Illustration: 019]
+
+The King burst into a fit of laughter, and taking the shuttlecock out
+of his pocket, returned it to the prince saying, "you are a brave boy,
+_you_ will never suffer Silesia to be taken from you."
+
+[Illustration: 021]
+
+
+
+
+POINT IV. EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY.
+
+Near Taunton, in Somersetshire, lived a sturdy fellow, by trade a
+miller, who possessed a handsome and buxom young woman for his wife. The
+said dame was many years the junior of her spouse, and thought that the
+neighbouring village contained not a few more agreeable companions, than
+the one whom Heaven had given her for life. Of this circumstance the
+miller had some suspicions, and determined to set them at rest one way
+or the other. Accordingly, one day he pretended to set off to buy corn,
+and told his wife that he should not be at home that night. The miller
+departed, and when the shades of evening afforded some concealment, in
+glided, to supply his place at bed and board, a neighbouring country
+squire.
+
+As the village clock struck one that night, and as the loving pair were
+wrapped in sleep, a loud knocking was heard at the door.
+
+The miller had unexpectedly returned home, and the unfortunate couple
+within were reduced to despair. The wit of the female was however equal
+to the emergency; the gentleman's clothes were pushed under her own, and
+his person was conducted into the kitchen, by the frail fair one, and
+there enclosed in a singular place of security.
+
+The tall house clock, which always forms a part of the furniture of the
+"parlour, kitchen, and all," of men of our miller's rank, was at that
+time out of order, and the works had, on the very morning in question,
+been conveyed to Taunton, to undergo a thorough repair. It immediately
+struck the damsel that her lover could abide in no safer place than
+this, until her husband was asleep, and she could return and let him
+out. Now the country squire was a tall and a stout man, with a jolly
+rubicund physiognomy. He consequently enclosed himself in the clock-case
+with some difficulty, and when the good woman locked the door of it, as
+the only way of keeping it shut, it gave him a nip in the paunch, which
+would have extorted a cry under any other circumstances. As it was, the
+tightness below threw all the blood into his countenance, which, for
+such was his height, overtopped the wood work of the case, and appeared
+exactly at the spot where the clock usually shewed the hour. So that,
+had a light been held up to it, this portentous face would have borne
+the appearance of a dark red moon scowling, out of fog and vapours upon
+a stormy night. This despatched, the dame commenced her own part with
+confidence. She gaped and yawned, and only admitted the miller till he
+had cursed and sworn his wife into a conviction, that he was her lawful
+husband, and no deceiver who had mimicked his voice and manner for
+his own wicked purposes. Much to the dismay of the parties already in
+possession of the house, the miller insisted upon striking a light,
+which at length obtaining, he drove his wife before him up to the
+bed-room, and then slily and under pretence of something else,
+examined the apartment; and concluded with a thorough conviction of the
+groundlessness of his suspicions.
+
+The wife, overjoyed at getting the candle out of the kitchen without
+discovery, was in high good humour, so that the miller became in
+excellent spirits too, both on account of his agreeable reception and
+the dispersion of his fears, and as a proof of his state of mind gave
+his wife a hearty kiss, and swore that they would go down and have a
+cozy bit of supper together before they went to bed. In vain the poor
+woman resisted, the slice of bacon must be broiled and the eggs poached.
+With trembling hand she bore the light into the kitchen, and durst not
+cast a glance upon the clock case where the prisoner, full of horror
+at the return of the candle, and reduced to a state of insufferable
+impatience by his miserable plight, uttered a deep low groan of despair
+as they entered the apartment. Fortunately it was not loud enough to
+attract the miller's attention, but thrilled through the heart of his
+unfortunate spouse. The happy pair soon began their culinary operations,
+the male with a light heart and a hungry appetite, the female sick and
+trembling at the disclosure which she feared was inevitable. All she
+could do, she did. She tried to keep up a conversation, she shaded
+the light, and she spread rasher after rasher before the all-devouring
+miller, who seemed as if intent to display his prowess before his rival,
+who was most ruefully and intently gazing upon him from his window of
+observation.
+
+[Illustration: 025]
+
+By the lady's artful management, the miller sat with only a side view
+of the clock, and allowed a few sympathizing glances to be interchanged
+between the unhappy squire and his love, as she spread the tempting meal
+before her liege lord. Doubtless they both thought the miller's appetite
+was enormous, and in the calculation of either of them, he had already
+eat a side of bacon, when he declared he had done. _Now for good luck!_
+inwardly exclaimed the dame, _fortune befriend me, and let me get him up
+stairs without casting a look upon that poor deplorable face_; which
+by the bye had lately been assuming all hues, and within the last two
+minutes had turned from a blue red to deadly pale, and back again to red
+black; and slight twitches and convulsive motions were observed in
+the muscles of his face, as if the poor unfortunate owner of them was
+tormented by some body below, who alternately pricked and pinched him.
+Oh, what a weight was taken off the heart of the frail fair one, and
+how fervently did she offer up vows of chastity in the gratitude of the
+moment, when the miller, having eat and drank his fill, made a motion
+for the bed room. Gladly was she attending him, when, as ill luck would
+have it, a _loud sneeze_ was heard in the room, which was followed by
+an equally loud; scream from the lady of the miller, who now gave all up
+for lost. It seemed that the dust of the clock-case had been disturbed
+by the body of the squire, and part of it being dislodged, had sought
+refuge in the intricacies of his nostrils. Hence the wincings and
+writhings, which, over and above being abominably nipped, produced the
+awful changes recorded above, and at length ended in a sneeze, which he
+could no longer restrain. This event had not the expected issue, for
+the dame in her fright threw down the candlestick, which she held in
+her hand, and extinguished the light. The good miller, now drowsy and
+stupid, chid her for being alarmed at the sneezing of a _cat_; and, not
+waiting for the poking out of a light from the dying embers, pushed his
+wife and himself off to bed, bestowing upon her, by the way, many of
+those endearing caresses, which husbands in a good humour lavish upon
+their wives; which caresses were certainly as indifferent to her, as
+they were doubtless disagreeable to her friend in the clock. Release was
+not so soon at hand as the parties sanguinely expected, for though the
+miller slept, he took as secure a hold of his faithful dame, as if he
+had really been aware of the gaol-delivery she intended to accomplish.
+To her last resource, therefore, she was compelled to fly, for the
+morning was fast coming on. The miller's sleep was broken by the loud
+cries of his wife, who declared she was so ill, she was sure she should
+die. She yelled and screamed till the poor man in despair knew not what
+to do, and could only cry out _What can I get you, What can I get
+you?_ Now the wily dame well knew that _that_ would be the best for
+her complaint which was not in the house, so she vociferated _Brandy,
+brandy, Oh for some brandy_. The poor husband scrambled up some clothes,
+and set off for the nearest public house for some brandy, which
+was nearly a mile from his abode. Arriving there, he knocked up the
+landlord, who administered the medicine to him. To pay for which, the
+distressed husband put his hand in his breeches' pocket, and much to
+his own surprise, pulled out a large bundle of bank notes, at which he
+stared in amazement; when the landlord cried out, Lord! _you have
+got Mr. Farrer's breeches on_. Buckskins, it seems, well known in the
+neighbourhood.
+
+"_The Devil I have_," returned the miller, in a tone which came up like
+a groan, as he gazed upon his nether man. Quickly comprehending the
+secret of the exchange, he pocketed the notes, drank up the brandy for
+his own consolation, and went home, moralizing his pensive path, and
+gave the hypocritical culprit the soundest beating she ever had in her
+life. She, poor soul! who had been charitably employed in the meanwhile,
+in letting the bird out of his cage, was not prepared for this
+reception; nor did she understand it until the next morning, when the
+breeches were cried round the town by her malignant husband, who also
+with no pleasant expression of countenance, made a point of turning over
+his newly-acquired riches in her presence.
+
+[Illustration: 029]
+
+
+
+
+POINT V. THE JOLLY BEGGARS; OR LOVE AND LIBERTY, A CANTATA. BY ROBERT
+BURNS.
+
+
+     RECITATIVO.
+
+     When lyart leaves bestrow the yird,
+     Or wavering like the Bauckie-bird *,
+     Bedim cauld Boreas' blast;
+     When hailstanes drive wi' bitter skyte,
+     And infant frosts begin to bite,
+     In hoary cranreuch drest;
+     Ae night at e'en a merry core
+     O' randie, gangrel bodies,
+     In Posie-Nansie's** held the splore***
+     To drink their orra duddies****:
+     Wi' quaffing, and laughing,
+     They ranted an' they sang;
+     Wi' jumping, an' thumping,
+     The vera girdle rang.
+
+          * The "bat".
+
+          ** A whiskey house.
+
+          *** Frolic.
+
+          **** Superfluous rags.
+
+
+     First, neist the fire, in auld red rags,
+     Ane sat, weel brac'd wi' mealy bags,
+     And knapsack a' in order;
+     His doxy lay within his arm,
+     Wi' _usquebae_ an' blankets warm,
+     She blinket on her sodger:
+     An' ay he gies the tozie drab The tither skelpan kiss,
+     While she held up her greedy gab Just like an aumous* dish:
+     Ilk smack still, did crack still,
+     Just like a cadger's** whip;
+     Then staggering, an' swaggering,
+     He roar'd this ditty up--
+
+
+[Illustration: 032]
+
+     AIR.
+
+     _Tune_--Soldier's Joy.
+
+
+     I.
+
+     I am a son of Mars, who have been in many wars,
+     And shew my cuts and scars wherever I come;
+     This here was for a wench, and that other in a trench,
+     When welcoming the French at the sound of the drum.
+
+                            _Lai de daudle, &c._
+
+     II.
+
+     My prenticeship I past, where my leader breath'd his last,
+     When the bloody die was cast on the heights of Abram;
+     I served out my trade, when the gallant _game_ was play'd,
+     And the Moro low was laid at the sound of the drum.
+
+          * A plate for receiving alms.
+
+          ** A man who travels the country, with his
+          wares on the back of a horse or ass.
+
+
+     III.
+
+     I lastly was with Curtis, among the floating batt'ries,
+     And there I left for witness, an arm and a limb;
+     Yet let my country need me, with Elliot to head me,
+     I'll clatter on my stumps at the sound of a drum.
+
+     IV.
+
+     And now tho' I must beg, with a wooden arm and leg,
+     And many a tatter'd rag hanging over my------,
+     I'm as happy with my wallet, my bottle and my callet*,
+     As when I us'd in scarlet to follow a drum.
+
+     V.
+
+     What tho' with hoary locks,
+     I must stand the winter shocks,
+     Beneath the woods and rocks oftentimes for a home,
+     When the tother bag I sell, and the tother bottle tell,
+     I could meet a troop of hell at the sound of a drum.
+
+
+     RECITATIVO.
+
+     He ended; and the kebars** sheuk
+     Aboon the chorus roar;
+     While frighted rattons backward leuk,
+     An' seek the benmost bore***;
+     A Merry Andrew i' the neuk,
+     He skirl'd out, _encore!_
+     But up arose the martial chuck,
+     An' laid the loud uproar.
+
+          *Wench.
+
+          **Rafters.
+
+          ***Deepest recess.
+
+     AIR.
+
+     _Tune_--Sodger Laddie.
+
+
+     I.
+
+     I once was a maid, tho' I cannot tell when,
+     And still my delight is in proper young men:
+     Some one of a troop of dragoons was my daddie,
+     No wonder I'm fond of a _sodger laddie_.
+
+                          Sing, _Lal de lal, &c._
+
+
+     II.
+
+     The first of my loves was a swaggering blade,
+     To rattle the thundering drum was his trade;
+     His leg was so tight and his cheek was so ruddy,
+     Transported was I with my _sodger laddie._
+
+
+     III.
+
+     But the godly old chaplain left him in the lurch,
+     The sword I forsook for the sake of the church;
+     He ventur'd the soul, and I risked the body,
+     'Twas then I prov'd false to my _sodger laddie._
+
+
+     IV.
+
+     Full soon I grew sick of my sanctified sot,
+     The regiment at large for a husband I got;
+     From the gilded spontoon to the fife I was ready,
+     I asked no more but a _sodger laddie._
+
+
+     V.
+
+     But the _peace_, it reduc'd me to beg in despair,
+     Till I met my old boy at a _Cunningham_ fair;
+     His rags regimental they flutter'd so gaudy,
+     My heart it rejoic'd at my _sodger laddie._
+
+
+     VI.
+
+     And now I have lived--I know not how long,
+     And still I can join in a cup and a song:
+     But whilst with both hands I can hold the glass steady,
+     Here's to thee, my hero, my _sodger laddie._
+
+                              Sing, _Lal de dal, &c._
+
+
+     RECITATIVO.
+
+     Poor Merry Andrew in the neuk
+     Sat guzzling wi' a tinkler hizzie;
+     They mind't na wha the chorus teuk,
+     Between themsels they were sae busy.
+     At length wi' drink and courting dizzy,
+     He stoiter'd up an' made a face;
+     Then turn'd an' laid a smack on Grizzy,
+     Syne tun'd his pipes wi' grave grimace.
+
+
+     AIR.
+
+     _Tune_--Auld Sir Simon.
+
+     Sir Wisdom's a fool when he's fou,
+     Sir Knave is a fool in a session;
+     He's there but a prentice, I trow,
+     But I am a fool by profession.
+     My Grannie she bought me a beuk,
+     An' I held awa to the school;
+     I fear I my talent misteuk,
+     But what will ye hae of a fool.
+     For drink I would venture my neck;
+     A hizzie's the half of my craft;
+     But what could ye other expect
+     Of ane that's avowedly daft.
+     I ance was ty'd up like a stirk,
+     For civilly swearing and quaffing;
+     I ance was abus'd i' the Kirk,
+     For towzing a lass i' my daffin.
+     Poor Andrew that tumbles for sport,
+     Let naebody name wi' a jeer;
+     There's ev'n, I'm tauld, i' the court,
+     A _Tumbler_ ca'd the _Premier_.
+     Observ'd ye yon reverend lad
+     Mak faces to tickle the mob;
+     He rails at our mountebank squad,
+     It's _rivalship_ just i' the job.
+     And now my conclusion I'll tell,
+     For faith I'm confoundedly dry,
+     The chiel that's a fool for himsel,
+     Guid Lord, he's far dafter than I.
+
+
+[Illustration: 037]
+
+
+
+
+POINT VI.
+
+
+     RECITATIVO.
+
+     Then neist outspak a raucle carlin*,
+     Wha kent fu' weel to cleek the sterlin';
+     For mony a pursie she had hooked,
+     An' had in mony a well been douked:
+     Her Love had been a _Highland laddie_,
+     But weary fa' the waefu' woodie**!
+     Wi' sighs and sobs she thus began,
+     To wail her braw _John Highlandman_.
+
+
+     AIR.
+
+     _Tune_--O an ye were dead, Gudeman.
+
+
+     I.
+
+     A highland lad my love was born,
+     The Lalland laws he held in scorn;
+     But he still was faithfu' to his clan,
+     My gallant, braw _John Highlandman!_
+
+
+     CHORUS.
+
+     _Sing hey my braw John Highlandman!
+     Sing ho my brazo John Highlandman!
+     There's not a lad in a' the lan'
+     Was match for my John Highlandman!_
+
+          * A sturdy raw-boned dame.
+          ** The gallows.
+
+
+     II.
+
+     With his philibeg an' tartan plaid,
+     An' guid claymore down by his side,
+     The ladies' hearts he did trepan,
+     My gallant, braw _John Highlandman._
+
+                         _Sing, hey, &c._
+
+
+     III.
+
+     We ranged a' from Tweed to Spey,
+     An' liv'd like lords an' ladies gay;
+     For a lalland face he feared none,
+     My gallant, braw _John Highlandman._
+
+                         _Sing, hey, &c._
+
+
+     IV.
+
+     They banish'd him beyond the sea,
+     But ere the bud was on the tree,
+     Adown my cheeks the pearls ran,
+     Embracing my _John Highlandman._
+
+                      _Sing, hey, &c._
+
+
+     V.
+
+     But och! they catch'd him at the last,
+     And bound him in a dungeon fast;
+     My curse upon them every one,
+     They've hang'd my braw _John Highlandman._
+
+                      _Sing, hey, &c._
+
+
+     VI.
+
+     And now a widow I must mourn,
+     Departed joys that ne'er return;
+     No comfort but a hearty can,
+     When I think on _John Highlandman._
+
+                        _Sing, hey, &c._
+
+
+     RECITATIVO.
+
+     A pigmy scraper wi' his fiddle,
+     Wha us'd to trystes and fairs to driddle.
+     Her strappen limb an' gausy middle,
+     (He reach'd na higher,)
+     Had hol'd his heartie like a riddle,
+     An' blawn't on fire.
+     W' hand on hainch, an' upward e'e,
+     He croon'd his gamut, _one, two, three,_
+     Then in an arioso key,
+     The wee Apollo Set off wi' _allegretto_ glee
+     His _giga solo._
+
+
+     AIR.
+
+     _Tune_--Whistle owre the lave o't.
+     Let me ryke up to dight that tear,
+     An' go wi' me an' be my dear;
+     An' then your every _care_ and _fear_
+     May whistle owre the lave o't.
+
+
+     CHORUS.
+
+     _I am fidler to my trade,
+     An' at the tunes that e'er I play'd,
+     The sweetest still to wife or maid,
+     Was, whistle owre the lave o't._
+     At kirns an' weddins we'se be there,
+     An' O sae nicely's we will fare!
+     We'll bowse about till Dadie
+     Care Sing whistle owre the lave o't.
+
+                             _I am, &c._
+
+     Sae merrily's the banes we'll pyke,
+     An' sun oursells about the dyke;
+     An' at our leisure when ye like
+     We'll--whistle owre the lave o't.--
+
+                             _I am, &c._
+
+     But bless me wi' your heav'n o' charms,
+     And while I kittle * hair on thairms,
+     Hunger, cauld, an' a' sic harms
+     May whistle owre the lave o't.
+
+                             _I am, &c._
+
+     RECITATIVO.
+
+     Her charms had struck a sturdy _Caird_ **,
+     As weel as poor _Gutscraper_;
+     He taks the fiddler by the beard,
+     An' draws a roosty rapier--
+     He swoor by a' was swearing worth,
+     To speet him like a pli ver,
+     Unless he would from that time forth
+     Relinquish her for ever:
+
+
+[Illustration: 042]
+
+     Wi' ghastly e'e, poor _tweedle-dee_,
+     Upon his hunkers*** bended,
+     An' pray'd for grace wi' ruefu' face,
+     An' so the quarrel ended;
+     But tho' his little heart did grieve,
+     When round the _tinker_ prest her,
+     He feign'd to snirtle in his sleeve,
+     When thus the _Caird_ address'd her
+
+          * While I rub a horse-hair bow upon cat-gut.
+
+          ** Tinker.
+
+          ***Haunches.
+
+
+     AIR.
+
+     _Tune_--Clout the Caudron.
+
+     I..
+
+     My bonie lass I work in brass,
+     A tinkler is my station;
+     I've travell'd round all Christian ground
+     In this my occupation;
+     I've ta'en the gold, I've been enroll'd
+     In many a noble squadron;
+     But vain they search'd, when off I march'd
+     To go an' clout the caudron.
+
+                            _I've ta 'en the gold, &c._
+
+
+     II.
+
+     Despise that shrimp, that wither'd imp,
+     With a' his noise an' caprin;
+     An' take a share with those that bear
+     The budget an' the apron!
+     An' by that stowp, my faith an' houpe,
+     An' by that dear Kilbaigie*!
+     If e'er ye want, or meet with scant,
+     May I ne'er weet my craigie.
+
+                            _An' by that stowp, &c._
+
+
+     RECITATIVO.
+
+     The Caird prevail'd--th' unblushing fair
+     In his embraces sunk;
+     Partly wi' love o'ercome sa sair,
+     An' partly she was drunk:
+     _Sir Violino_, with an air,
+     That show'd a man o' spunk,
+     Wish'd unison between the pair,
+     An' made the bottle clunk
+     To their health that night.
+
+          * A well known kind of whiskey.
+
+     But hurchin Cupid shot a shaft,
+     That play'd a dame a shavie--
+     A sailor rak'd her fore and aft,
+     Behind the chicken cavie.
+     Her lord a wight o' Homer's craft,
+     Tho' limpan wi' the spavie,
+     He hirpl'd up an' lap like daft,
+     An _shor'd_ * them _Dainty Davie_
+     O'boot that night.
+     He was a care-defying blade,
+     As ever Bacchus listed!
+     Tho' fortune sair upon him laid,
+     His heart, she ever miss'd it:
+     He had no wish but--to be glad,
+     Nor want but--when he thirsted;
+     He hated nought but--to be sad,
+     An' thus the Muse suggested
+     His sang that night.
+
+
+     AIR.
+
+     _Tune_--for a' that, an' a' that.
+
+
+     I.
+
+     I am a bard of no regard
+     Wi' gentle-folks, an' a' that;
+     But Homer-like, the glowran byke**,
+     Frae town to town I draw that.
+
+
+     CHORUS.
+
+     _For a' that, an' a' that,
+     An' twice as muckle's a' that,
+     I've lost but ane, I've twa behin'
+     I've wife eneugh 'or a' that._
+
+          * Promised.
+
+          ** The multitude.
+
+     II.
+
+     I never drank the Muses' _tank_,
+     Castalia's burn an' a' that;
+     But there it streams, an' richly reams
+     My _Helicon_ I ca' that.
+
+                               _For a' that, &c._
+
+
+     III.
+
+     Great love I bear to all the Fair,
+     Their humble slave, an' a' that;
+     But lordly Will, I hold it still
+     A mortal sin to thraw that.
+
+                             _For a' that, &c._
+
+
+     IV.
+
+     In raptures sweet, this hour we meet,
+     Wi' mutual love an' a' that;
+     But for how lang the flie may stang,
+     Let Inclination law that.
+
+                            _For a' that, &c._
+
+
+     V.
+
+     Their tricks an' craft hae put me daft,
+     They've ta'en me in, an' a' that;
+     But clear your decks, an' here's _the Sex!_
+     I like the jads for a' that.
+
+                            _For a' that, an a' that,_
+
+     An' twice as muckle's a' that,
+     My dearest bluid, to do them guid,
+     _They're welcome till't for a' that._
+
+
+
+
+POINT VII.
+
+
+     RECITATIVO.
+
+     So sung the _Bard_--and Nansie's waws
+     Shook wi' a thunder of applause,
+     Re-echo'd from each mouth!
+     They toom'd * their pokes, they pawn'd their duds**,
+     They scarcely left to coor their fuds,
+     To quench their lowan drouth.
+
+
+[Illustration: 048]
+
+     Then owre again, the jovial thrang,
+     The poet did request,
+     To lowse his pack an' wale a sang,
+     A ballad o' the best..
+     He, rising, rejoicing,
+     Between his _two, Deborahs_,
+     Looks round him, an' found them
+     Impatient for the chorus.
+
+          * Opened.
+
+          **Rags.
+
+
+
+
+POINT VIII.
+
+
+     AIR.
+
+     _Tune_--JOLLY MORTALS, fill your glasses.
+
+
+[Illustration: 051]
+
+
+     I.
+
+     See! the smoking bowl before us,
+     Mark our jovial, ragged ring!
+     Round and round take up the chorus,
+     And in raptures let us sing--
+     _A fig for those by law protected,_
+     Liberty's _a glorious feast!
+     Courts for cowards were erected,
+     Churches built to please the priest._
+     What is title, what is treasure,
+     What is reputation's care?
+     If we lead a life of pleasure,
+     'Tis no matter how or where.
+
+                             _A fig, &c._
+
+     III.
+
+     With the ready trick and fable,
+     Round we wander all the day;
+     And at night, in barn or stable,
+     Hug our doxies on the hay.
+
+                            _A fig, &c._
+
+
+     IV.
+
+     Does the train-attended carriage
+     Thrp' the country lighter rove?
+     Does the sober bed of marriage
+     Witness brighter scenes of love?
+
+                           _A fig, &c._
+
+     V.
+
+     Life is all a _variorum,_
+     We regard not how it goes;
+     Let them cant about, decorum
+     Who have character to lose.
+
+     _A fig, &c._
+
+
+     VI.
+
+     Here's to _budgets, bags, and wallets!_
+     Here's to all the wandering train!
+     Here's _our ragged brats and callets!_
+     One and all cry out, _Amen!_
+
+     _A fig for those by law protected,_
+     Liberty's _a glorious feast!
+     Courts for cowards were erected,
+     Churches built to please the priest._
+
+
+[Illustration: 053]
+
+
+
+
+POINT IX. THE DOWNFALL OF HOLY CHURCH.
+
+In the year of 1460, Revel was governed by a General, whose name was
+John of Mengden; a worthy old man, who loved his glass of wine, and had
+the gout; for wine and the gout are sister's children. It was his custom
+to ride out occasionally on a black horse down to the shores of the
+Baltic, whence he continued his way to a convent of nuns consecrated
+to St. Bridget. This nunnery, which was called Marianthal, was situated
+about a mile from the town, and its ruins are inhabited by owls and
+ravens.
+
+On one of these excursions he was accompanied by the Lord Marshal,
+Gothard of Plettenberg.
+
+As they approached the convent wall, the Marshal's horse became suddenly
+restive. "Have you heard," said he, "the strange, stories of the
+subterraneous passage, and that it winds in intricate mazes round the
+cloister?"---- "No," replied John of Mengden, "but I should like to hear
+them over a bottle; you shall relate them to me in the evening."
+
+"It may be done now, and in a few words," rejoined the other; "for we
+stand exactly before the subterraneous passage, or mouth of the cavern;
+but for fifty years, not a human foot has advanced beyond the bottom of
+the steps, there the torches are always blown out."
+
+The burgomaster of Revel, who was then with them, made a cross on his
+breast, and confirmed the statement. "Sometimes," continued Gothard,
+"are heard, during the night, the sounds of soft music, arising slowly
+and melodiously from the cave, like the sweet tones of musical glasses,
+with an accompaniment of the songs of angels. The holy sisters of the
+convent are frequent listeners to this divine harmony, though none of
+the words can be understood."
+
+"Let the venerable Lady Abbess come down to me," said the general, as
+he alighted from his horse, and placed his glove in his sword-belt. The
+Abbess now appeared, veiled. She modestly curtsied to the knight, and
+presented him with a cup of Spanish wine. The old General laid himself
+down on the grass, and asked the sainted lady if she could give him any
+information relative to the subterraneous passage? The Abbess replied in
+the affirmative, adding a number of particulars concerning what she
+and her pious sisters had seen,--and fancied they had seen--heard, and
+fancied they had heard.
+
+"So God and St. Vitus help me!" exclaimed the governor, "I will
+myself make an attempt to descend into the cavern; give me a lighted,
+consecrated torch."
+
+The burgomaster crossed himself all over. A cold shivering seized him;
+the only vault into which he had been accustomed to descend, was the
+town-cellar which was haunted by none but _choice spirits_, with which
+he was familiar.
+
+The lady Abbess entreated the old man not to undertake so rash an
+enterprize; and assured him, that the spirits of former times, unlike
+those of the present day, would not allow themselves to be sported with.
+But in arguing with the brave old General, they talked to the wind
+which blew over the Baltic. The consecrated torches were brought, the
+corpulent General repeated an Ave-Maria, recommended himself to St.
+Vitus, his protecting Saint, and courageously entered the mysterious
+passage. The sound of his feet was still heard on the steps; his
+breathing was still audible, and the glimmer of his torch played on the
+damp walls. On a sudden all was silent, and the light disappeared. The
+listeners above were on the stretch of attention. Go-thard was stationed
+on the upper step; the burgomaster a few paces further back; and behind
+him stood the Abbess, her rosary running through her fingers. They
+listened, but all was still! "Holloa there, John of Mengden!--how fare
+you?" thundered the voice of Gothard; yet all was still as the grave.
+The listeners were alarmed; they inclined their ears; they stood lightly
+on tip-toe; they restrained their breath--not a sound ascended. The
+cavern yawned before them, and all was silent below; "Holy St. Bridget!
+what can have happened? Let the priests be summoned, and mass be said,
+to appease the spirits!"
+
+The lady Abbess hastened to the convent, rang the chapel-bell, when
+all the pious sisterhood hurried from their cells, fell upon their bare
+knees, chastizing themselves, and praying to heaven for mercy towards
+the old General. The burgomaster threw himself upon his horse, and
+trotted back to the town to impart the terrible news to his wife,
+children and domestics. Gothard, who was a courageous knight, alone
+remained, absorbed in gloomy reflection, leaning against the wall, with
+his eyes fixed on the darkness beneath. Thus he continued during two
+hours. At last he thought he heard on the steps, some one breathing
+and struggling.--"John of Mengden!" he vociferated--"are you alive,
+or dead?"---"I am alive!" replied the General, half breathless, as he
+stumbled up the steps. "Thanks to God and St. Bridget!--we have been
+in agony on your account. Where have you been? What have you heard or
+seen?" The General then related that he had quietly descended, with
+the consecrated taper in his hand; that his heart beat a little as he
+advanced; that a cold shiver had begun to seize him; but that he took
+courage, as his taper burnt always clear and bright: that at length he
+stood on the bottom step, and looked down an endless passage, doubtful
+whether, under the protection of St. Bridget, he should move forward or
+backward; that suddenly he was surrounded by a lukewarm breeze, mild
+and fragrant, as if wafted over a bed of flowers, which in a moment
+extinguished his taper, and so clouded his senses, that he sunk like
+a dead man on the steps, and then lay a considerable time in a sort of
+trance; that at last he awoke again, and it appeared to him as if he
+were gently moved by a warm hand, though he knew not where he was, nor
+what had happened to him; that he stretched out his hands, and felt
+nothing but the cold stone; but that, as a little daylight glimmered
+upon him from above, he composed his spirits, and began to creep with
+difficulty up the steps; that when on them he was perfectly recovered,
+feeling only a slight oppression in the head, similar to the effect of
+intoxication.
+
+"Well, brother," said he to the lord-marshal, "will not you also make
+the attempt, and try whether it will not succeed better with you."
+
+Gothard of Plettenberg demurred: notwithstanding he never feared, in
+former times, a knight of flesh and bone, as long as he was able to
+wield his sword; yet, with respect to ghosts, a very just exception
+was allowed; and a knight might tremble in the dark like an old woman,
+without any stain upon his honor, or impeachment of his valour. Now
+a days, the matter is quite altered, and a man may fear any thing but
+ghosts.
+
+"By my sword," said the governor, as he was returning home, "I will
+investigate the causes of this mystery. I must know from whose mouth
+proceeded the gentle breath, that smelt fragrant as the plants of
+the east, and yet had force enough to extinguish the flame of the
+consecrated taper, and even to confuse my head, as though I had been
+drunk."
+
+He instantly sent for Henry of Uxkull, bishop of Revel, and the Abbot,
+of Pardis. Being arrived, they were entertained at a large oak table,
+and quaffed wine from the family goblet. They listened to the fearful
+story of their host, with their fat hands folded upon their huge
+bellies, and shook their heads with significant silence.
+
+Having well weighed the matter, knitted their brows and assumed an air
+of importance, they finally agreed _that they knew not what to think of
+it_. Each then waddled to his home and thought no more of the mysterious
+cavern.
+
+But it was not so with the General. He could not rest. His fancy was on
+the rack, to account for the mystery. On the next morning, he despatched
+letters to the Archbishop of Riga, to a learned canon, and two pious
+deans of the holy church of Riga--stating "that a surprising incident
+had obliged him to have recourse to their piety and wisdom, and
+entreating that they would be at Revel on St. Egidius's day, to discuss
+in Christian humility this weighty affair."
+
+They came on the appointed day: for they were aware that the cellar
+of the Governor contained excellent wine, and that his was no niggard
+hospitality. The archbishop of Revel, and the Abbot of Pardis, were
+likewise invited to assist, who failed not at the proper hour to present
+themselves at the castle. An elegant repast had been prepared for them,
+bumpers went cheerily round to the prosperity of Holy Church, and to the
+perpetual bloom of the German order of religion. When their spiritual
+stomachs were sufficiently gorged, the General thus addressed them:
+"Reverend and pious fathers! thus and thus it happened to me and my
+friend here, Gothard of Plettenberg," recounting his story--"What is
+to be done to liberate the spirits who wander and breathe in the
+subterraneous passage?"
+
+"They must be driven out by force," replied the archbishop of Riga, "and
+the power to do this was given to bishops from above."
+
+"A wisp of hay should be steeped in holy water," added the canon, "with
+which the steps of the dark passage should be sprinkled."
+
+One of the deans advised that "the little chest with the Egyptian
+hieroglyphics, which was kept as a relic in the convent of St. Bridget,
+should be taken to the cavern.".
+
+The other dean was of opinion that the spirits should be allowed to
+continue without molestation so long as they only wandered and breathed.
+
+The archbishop of Revel was also of the same sentiment, but the Abbot of
+Pardis applauded this idea of the Egyptian hieroglyphics.
+
+Last of all, the old General proposed that they should immediately ride
+to the beach, and employ the arms of the church against the inhabitants
+of the subterraneous passage. The wine had imparted its spirit to the
+holy fathers; and they now felt courage to engage, if necessary, even
+with the fiends of hell.
+
+Within half an hour they were at the convent gate!
+
+Three times were the consecrated torches borne round by the archbishop,
+who, muttering between his teeth, dipped the wisp into a large ewer of
+holy water, and plentifully besprinkled all present; Thus spiritually
+armed, they silently and cautiously approached the entrance of the
+cavern. Here a question arose, "who should go down first?" Those
+who were at home were unwilling to rob the strangers of the honor of
+precedence. The deans drew back, as being merely subalterns in the
+church, out of respect to their bishop. The archbishop bowed to the
+right learned canon, and he bowed to the rest. The General became
+impatient, and forced the archbishop down the steps. The rest followed
+with beating hearts and tottering knees.
+
+Each carried in his hand a consecrated taper; and with a rosary hanging
+at his elbow, sprinkled the walls with drops of holy water. The last
+of the procession was the Abbot of Pardis, who, grown unwieldy by the
+luxurious diet of the church, could scarcely drag his short puffed legs
+after his fat and bulky paunch. The steps too were not only small, but
+damp and slippery; whence it happened, that on the second step the
+Abbot lost his footing, and falling with his whole weight upon Henry of
+Uxkull, they both fell upon the last dean: all three on the first dean;
+all four on the canon; all five upon the archbishop of Riga; when the
+whole troop rolled helter skelter down the steps, and plumped to the
+bottom like so many sacks, there remaining senseless!
+
+[Illustration: 061]
+
+The consecrated tapers were extinguished, and the venerable group were
+veiled by a sort of Egyptian darkness. The General, who remained above,
+heard the tremendous rumbling, to which succeeded a dead silence. For
+two hours he listened, called on each by name, and waited in vain for
+a reply. His voice alone was returned to him in a dull and hollow echo.
+The only sound which met his eager listening, was that of the terrified
+bat, flitting in the depths of the cavern; or, at intervals, the scream
+of the frightened owl.
+
+He was a man of uncommon courage, and he resolved to descend once more
+himself, to see what was become of his guests; but as a prelude to this
+perilous expedition, he determined to enliven his natural spirits by
+a draught of generous wine. As he vociferated--"a cup of wine," to the
+groom who held his horse, the word Wine reached the ears of the holy
+men--they disentangled themselves from each other, scrambled up, their
+foreheads bedewed with the sweat of terror, and when they had recovered
+themselves, they confessed unanimously _that they were not able to
+unravel the mystery._
+
+Thus ended the second attempt to gain a more intimate acquaintance with
+the spirits of the subterraneous passage, and thenceforward no one was
+bold enough to tread the magic ground.
+
+
+
+
+POINT X. A VISIT WITHOUT FORM.
+
+When the Cardinal Bernis resided at Rome in the capacity of Ambassador
+from France, he bore the highest character for sanctity--yet the
+Cardinal was a man, though a churchman; and churchmen are sometimes not
+invulnerable to the shafts of love. A pair of speaking black eyes like
+those of the Princess B., have before now made sad havoc in the heart
+of the votary of celibacy. The lady was conscious of her own charms,
+but being married to the man she loved, instead of setting them off by
+certain little manouvres which some ladies perfectly understand how to
+put in practice, she carefully avoided giving any encouragement to the
+Cardinal, whose constant attendance upon her began to give her some
+uneasiness. At length the Cardinal, finding that his visits, attentions,
+_cadeaux_, and fine speeches had no effect, determined upon seeking an
+opportunity of making the lady sensible of the excess of his passion.
+One morning the Princess, on returning from mass, in her haste to
+avoid a violent shower of rain, tripped as she was getting out of her
+carriage, and sprained her ancle. The Cardinal, who by his spies was
+informed of every step the Princess took, had attended at mass also; and
+as he was following the Princess, unobserved, he saw the accident and
+ran to her assistance, raised her into the carriage, and very humbly
+entreated her to allow him the honour of seeing her safe home. His
+Excellency was not to be refused consistently with etiquette, so the
+poor Princess was under the necessity of hearing all the pretty things
+the Ambassador had reserved for the occasion. All his protestations and
+entreaties proved fruitless, and the poor lady arrived at the palace
+almost exhausted with the alarm the conversation had caused her. She now
+endeavoured with all care to avoid receiving the Cardinal's visits, but
+the old gentleman's amorous plans were not to be thwarted.--He still
+found means of seeing her, and again attacked her with his vows
+and protestations, so that the lady, unable to bear it any longer,
+determined to inform the Prince, and related to him all the
+circumstances of the affair. The Prince was enraged, and threatened all
+kinds of vengeance against the lover; but however, when the first burst
+of passion had a little subsided, he said to her, "We are, my love, in a
+very aukward situation, for the Cardinal being Ambassador his person is
+sacred; besides we should have the whole consistory and his holiness at
+their head, thundering excommunication upon us. However, I will think
+of some scheme of cooling the passion of this holy gentleman." He
+accordingly suggested that she should write word to the Cardinal, that
+as her husband was going that evening to his Villa near Tivoli, to order
+some improvement to be made which would detain him the best part of next
+day, she had determined to admit a visit from him; but that in order to
+keep the matter a secret from the servants, she desired him to come at
+midnight; that she would fix a silken ladder at her room window
+which looked into the garden, whence he might easily ascend into the
+anti-room, where he would find the door open that led into her own room.
+The reader will naturally conceive the transports which this delicious
+billet excited in the worthy Cardinal. He danced, and leaped and capered
+about for joy, rang the bell, gave contradictory orders, and convinced
+his valet that he was mad. He had the sense however to direct a suit of
+his finest linen to be prepared, and to countermand the order for his
+carriage, for he bethought himself he had better go privately. How
+tedious did the hours, which intervened before the time of appointment,
+appear to our ardent lover, and when the clock struck eleven he could
+no longer wait. It was a good distance, he must be there in time, not
+a second too late; therefore off he set after taking some precautions
+against his sacred person being discovered. He arrives, panting with
+love and hope; the burning of Mongibello could scarcely exceed the
+conflagration within him. He gets to the garden-gate. One cannot think
+of every thing. The Princess in her flurry had forgotten to order the
+garden-gate to be left open. What was to be done? The wall was not high;
+but must his Eminence endanger his sacred person? Love, however, the
+sovereign ruler, who makes even cowards heroes, animated him. It was
+dreadfully dark; but luckily, in feeling for the height of the wall, the
+anxious lover found an aperture in it large enough to admit the foot:
+into this he stepped, gave a spring, and got to the top; and then slid
+down the other side, not however without losing his hat and cloak, which
+owing to the darkness of the night he could not find again, nor was
+he aware, for the same reason, how he was daubed with mortar and
+brick-dust. In this pickle, our Adonis made the best of his way to find
+the ladder, tumbling over orange-trees and rosebushes, to the manifest
+injury of his cassock, which began to hang about him in rags. At last
+he reached the ladder, seized hold of it, stopped, panted a while for
+breath, and then up he went. He had just got one leg through the window,
+when the two large folding doors of the apartment flew open, and
+fifteen or twenty servants with lighted torches in their hands presented
+themselves before him.
+
+[Illustration: 068]
+
+The Prince, at their head, ran up to the window, and with all courtesy
+helped in the astonished Cardinal, and turning to the servants said,
+"Scoundrels! is it thus you pay respect to the sacred person of the
+Cardinal Bernis? Is it thus, by your negligence, that you compel his
+Eminence, when coming to my wife, to venture his precious life upon
+a slight ladder and force him through the window in this miserable
+plight?" Conceive the situation of the bald-pated, cloakless, and
+tattered Cardinal, as he stood ashamed and terrified before the jeering
+Prince and his twenty torchbearers. His trembling knees could scarcely
+support him, as, half dead with fright, shame, and disappointment, he
+sneaked out of the room, still lighted by the torches and bowed out
+by the Prince, who continued to apologize for the carelessness of his
+servants, much to the annoyance of the poor Cardinal, whose misery was
+heightened by one stroke more; for, as he was huddling off, he just
+caught the face of the Princess, peeping through the opening of a door
+with some friends, all almost convulsed with laughter.
+
+[Illustration: 070]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Points of Humour, Part I (of II), by Anonymous
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