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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 18:44:28 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 18:44:28 -0700 |
| commit | e37ea4e9c61f4e2bbc73c300576eb24abc41a6ae (patch) | |
| tree | e8dd12d702e07ada3e9507aef9a1488f5ce84704 /44517-h | |
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diff --git a/44517-h/44517-h.htm b/44517-h/44517-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..131d025 --- /dev/null +++ b/44517-h/44517-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1787 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html +PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" +"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> +<head> +<title> +Points of Humour, Part I., by Anonymous +</title> +<style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 100%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + .side { float: left; font-size: 75%; width: 25%; padding-left: 0.8em; + border-left: dashed thin; text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; + font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} + p.pfirst, p.noindent {text-indent: 0} + span.dropcap { float: left; margin: 0 0.1em 0 0; line-height: 1 } + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + --> +</style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44517 ***</div> + +<div style="height: 8em;"> +<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> +</div> +<h1> +POINTS OF HUMOUR +</h1> +<h3>Part I.</h3> + +<h2> +By Anonymous +</h2> +<h2> +Illustrated by the Designs of GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. +</h2> +<h3> +Ten Engravings On Copper and Twelve Wood Cuts +</h3> +<p> +<br /> +</p> +<h5> +London: Published By C. Baldwyn, Newgate Street <br /> <br /> 1823. +</h5> + +<div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> +<img src="images/003s.jpg" alt="003s" width="100%" /><br /></div> + +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +"Let mee play the fool: +With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come; +And let my liver rather heat with wine, +Than my heart cool with mortifying groans, +Why should a man, whose blood is warm through, +Sit like his grandsire, cut in alubaster? +Sleep when he wakes, and creep into the jaundice by being peevish?" + +Shakspear +</pre> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<p> +<b>CONTENTS</b> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2H_PREF"> PREFACE. </a> +</p> +<p> +<br /> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2H_4_0002"> POINT I. THE POINT OF HONOUR. </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2H_4_0003"> POINT II. THE SHORT COURTSHIP. </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2H_4_0004"> POINT III. YES OR NO? </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2H_4_0005"> POINT IV. EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY. </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2H_4_0006"> POINT V. THE JOLLY BEGGARS; OR LOVE AND LIBERTY, +A CANTATA, BY ROBERT BURNS </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2H_4_0007"> POINT VI. </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2H_4_0008"> POINT VII. </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2H_4_0009"> POINT VIII. </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2H_4_0010"> POINT IX. THE DOWNFALL OF HOLY CHURCH. </a> +</p> +<p class="toc"> +<a href="#link2H_4_0011"> POINT X. A VISIT WITHOUT FORM. </a> +</p> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="link2H_PREF" id="link2H_PREF"> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br /><br /><br /><br /> +</div> +<h2> +PREFACE. +</h2> +<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>t will be readily perceived that the literary part of this work is of +humble pretensions. One object alone has been aimed at and it is hoped +with success—to select or to invent those incidents which' might be +interesting or amusing in themselves, while they afforded scope for the +peculiar talents of the artist who adorns them with his designs. The +selection was more difficult than may at first sight be supposed. It is +true, there is no paucity of subjects of wit and humour, but he who will +take the trouble to examine them, will find how few are adapted for +pictorial representation. No artist can embody a point of wit, and the +humour of many of the most laughable stories would vanish at the touch of +the pencil of the most ingenious designer in the world. Those ludicrous +subjects only which are rich in the humour of <i>situation</i> are +calculated for graphic illustration. To prove the following anecdotes are +not deficient in this respect, no other appeal is necessary than to the +plates themselves! Look at the breadth of the humour, the point of the +situation, the selection of the figures, the action, and its +accompaniments, and deny (without a laugh on the face) that this portion +of the work answers the end in view. In all this the writer or compiler, +or whatever he may be called, claims little merit. That the whole effect +is comic, that the persons are ludicrous, and engaged in laughable groups +and surrounded with objects which tend to broaden the grin, all this, and +a thousand times more, belongs to Mr. Cruikshank;—the writer only +claims the merit of having suggested to him the materials. +</p> +<p> +Some of the ten points, now submitted to the public, arise out of a +reprint of that admirable piece of humour, the Jolly Beggars of Burns;—A +part of his works almost unknown to the public, in consequence of the +scrupulousness of the poet's biographer and editor, who withheld them from +the world. Lest we however should incur the charge, which Dr. Currie +apprehended, we beg leave to prefix the observations on this subject by +the first literary character in the kingdom, Sir Walter Scott, as they +appeared in the <i>Quarterly Review.</i> +</p> +<p> +"Yet applauding, as we do most highly applaud, the leading principles of +Dr. Currie's selection, we are aware that they sometimes led him into +fastidious and over-delicate rejection of the bard's most spirited and +happy effusions. A thin octavo, published at Glasgow in 1801, under the +title of 'Poems ascribed to Robert Burns, the Ayrshire bard,' furnishes +valuable proofs of this assertion; it contains, among a good deal of +rubbish, some of his most brilliant poetry. A cantata, in particular, +called <i>The Jolly Beggars</i>, for humorous description and nice +discrimination of character, is inferior to no poem of the same length in +the whole range of English poetry. The scene, indeed, is laid in the very +lowest department of low life, the actors being a set of strolling +vagrants, met to carouse, and barter their rags and plunder for liquor in +a hedge ale-house. Yet even in describing the movements of such a group, +the native taste of the poet has never suffered his pen to slide into any +thing coarse or disgusting. The extravagant glee and outrageous frolic of +the beggars are ridiculously contrasted with their maimed limbs, rags, and +crutches—the sordid and squalid circumstances of their appearance +are judiciously thrown into the shade. Nor is the art of the poet less +conspicuous in the individual figures, than in the general mass. The +festive vagrants are distinguished from each other by personal appearance +and character, as much as any fortuitous assembly in the higher orders of +life. The group, it must be observed, is of Scottish character, and +doubtless our northern brethren are more familiar with its varieties than +we are; yet the distinctions are too well marked to escape even the +southern. The most prominent persons are a maimed soldier and his female +companion, a hackneyed follower of the camp, a stroller, late the consort +of an highland ketterer, or sturdy beggar—'but weary fa' the waefu' +woodie!'—Being now at liberty, she becomes an object of rivalry +between a pigmy scraper with his fiddle' and a strolling tinker. The +latter, a desperate bandit, like most of his profession, terrifies the +musician out of the field, and is preferred by the damsel of course. A +wandering ballad-singer, with a brace of doxies, is last introduced upon +the stage. Each of these mendicants sings a song in character, and such a +collection of humorous lyrics, connected by vivid poetical description, is +not perhaps to be paralleled in the English language. The ditty chaunted +by the Ballad Singer is certainly far superior to any thing in the <i>Beggar's +Opera</i>, where alone we could expect to find its parallel. +</p> +<p> +"We are at a loss to conceive any good reason why Dr. Currie did not +introduce this singular and humorous cantata into his collection. It is +true, that in one or two passages the muse has trespassed slightly upon +decorum, where, in the language of Scottish song, +</p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +"High kilted was she, +"As she gaed owre the lea." +</pre> +<p> +"Something, however, is to be allowed to the nature of the subject, and +something to the education of the poet: and if from veneration to the +names of Swift and Dryden, we tolerate the grossness of the one, and the +indelicacy of the other, the respect due to that of Burns, may surely +claim indulgence for a few light strokes of broad humour.. +</p> +<p> +"Knowing that this, and hoping that other compositions of similar spirit +and tenor, might yet be recovered, we were induced to think that some of +them, at least, had found a place in the collection given to the public by +Mr. Cromek. But he has neither risqued the censure, nor gained the +applause, which might have belonged to such an undertaking." +</p> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br /><br /><br /><br /> +</div> +<h2> +POINT I. THE POINT OF HONOUR. +</h2> +<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>hen the American army was at Valley Forge in the winter of 1777, a +captain of the Virginian Line refused a challenge sent him by a brother +officer, alleging that his life was devoted to the service of his country, +and that he did not think it a point of duty to risk it to gratify the +caprice of any man. This <i>point of duty</i> gave occasion to <i>a point +of humour</i> which clearly displayed the brilliant <i>points</i> of the +officer's character, and exposed the weak ones of his brothers in the +service in a very <i>pointed</i> manner. His antagonist gave him the +character of a coward through the whole army. Conscious of not having +merited the aspersion, and discovering the injury he should sustain in the +minds of those unacquainted with him, he repaired one evening to a general +meeting of the officers of that line. On his entrance, he was avoided by +the company, and the officer who had challenged him, insolently ordered +him to leave the room; a request which was loudly re-echoed from all +parts. He refused, and asserted that he came there to vindicate his fame; +and after mentioning the reasons which induced him not to accept the +challenge, he applied a large hand grenade to the candle, and when the +fuse had caught fire, threw it on the floor, saying, "Here, gentlemen, +this will quickly determine which of us all dare brave danger most." +</p> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:35%;"> +<img src="images/010s.jpg" alt="010s " width="100%" /><br /> +</div> +<h4> +<a href="images/010.jpg"><i>Original Size</i></a> -- <a +href="images/010m.jpg"><i>Medium-Size</i></a> +</h4> +<p> +At first they stared upon him for a moment in stupid astonishment, but +their eyes soon fell upon the fusé of the grenade, which was fast burning +down. Away scampered Colonel, General, Ensign, and Captain, and all made a +rush at the door. "Devil take the hindmost." Some fell, and others made +way over the bodies of their comrades; some succeeded in getting out, but +for an instant there was a general heap of flesh sprawling at the entrance +of the apartment. Here was a colonel jostling with a subaltern, and there +fat generals pressing lean lieutenants into the boards, and blustering +majors, and squeaking ensigns wrestling for exit; the size of one and the +feebleness of the other making their chance of departure pretty equal, +until time, which does all things at last, cleared the room and left the +noble captain standing over the grenade with his arms folded, and his +countenance expressing every kind of scorn and contempt for the train of +scrambling red coats, as they toiled and bustled and bored their way out +of the door. +</p> +<p> +After the explosion had taken place, some of them ventured to return, to +take a peep at the mangled remains of their comrade, whom however to their +great surprise they found alive and uninjured.—When they were all +gone, the captain threw himself flat on the floor as the only possible +means of escape, and fortunately came off with a whole skin, and a +repaired reputation. +</p> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br /><br /><br /><br /> +</div> +<h2> +POINT II. THE SHORT COURTSHIP. +</h2> +<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>s a gentleman was passing along one of the more retired streets of London +late in the evening, he stumbled over the body of an old man, whom on +examination he found in a state of excessive inebriation, and who had in +consequence tumbled down and rolled into the kennel. He had not gone many +yards farther when he found an old woman very nearly in the same +circumstances. It immediately struck Mr. L. that this was some poor old +couple, who, overcome with the fatigues of the day, had indulged too +freely in some restorative beverage, whether Hodges' or Deady's the +historian does not say. Full of this idea, and animated by his own +charitable disposition, Mr. L. soon made arrangements for the reception of +the poor couple into a neighbouring public house, where the landlord +promised that the senseless pair should be undressed and placed in a warm +and comfortable bed. To bed they were put. Mr. L. left them lying side by +side, snoring in concert, and likely to pass together a more harmonious +night than perhaps would have been the case had they possessed the full +enjoyment of their senses. L. journeyed homewards filled with the +satisfaction arising from the performance of a kind deed, and never +reflected that there was a possibility of his having joined a pair whom +the laws of God had not made one. The fact was, that the old man and the +old woman were perfect strangers to each other, and their being found in a +similar situation was purely accidental. In London, however extraordinary +it may appear, many poor folks get drunk at night, especially Saturday +night, and what is not less wonderful, they are in this state often unable +to preserve their balance—the laws of gravity exert their influence, +and the patient rolls into the kennel. Soundly—soundly did this late +united pair sleep and snore till morning,—when the light broke in +upon them and disclosed the secret.—Imagine the consternation of the +old lady when the fumes of intoxication were dissipated, and she opened +her eyes upon her snoring partner—where she was or how she had been +put there she knew not. It was clear she was in bed with a man, and that +was an event which had never happened to her before,—so she set up a +scream, and roused the old gentleman, whose astonishment was not a jot +less than the lady's. +</p> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002"> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:35%;"> +<img src="images/015s.jpg" alt="015s " width="100%" /><br /> +</div> +<h4> +<a href="images/015.jpg"><i>Original Size</i></a> -- <a +href="images/015m.jpg"><i>Medium-Size</i></a> +</h4> +<p> +She sat upon end in bed staring at him, he moved himself into, a similar +situation and riveted his eyes upon her, and so they remained for a few +instant's both full of perfect wonderment;—at last it struck the +poor lady that this was some monster of a man who had succeeded in some +horrible design upon her honour; the idea in a moment gave her the look +and manner of a fury, she flung out of bed and roared aloud to the +admiration of all the inmates of the house, who attracted by her first +scream were already peeping in at the door of the room,—"make me an +honest woman, thou wretch," she cried—"villain that you are,—make +an honest woman of me, or I'll be the death of thee"—down she sat +upon the bed-stocks, and as she attempted to dress herself she interlarded +her occupation with calling for vengeance upon her horrible seducer, who +sat trembling at the other side of the bed, vainly attempting in his +fright to insinuate his legs into his old tattered breeches. The landlord +at last interfered with the authority of his station, and on inquiry found +that no breach had been made which could not be easily repaired. The old +gentleman was asked if he had any objection to take his fair bedfellow for +a helpmate during the remainder of his life; he stammered out his +acquiescence as well as he could, and the enraged virgin consented to +smooth down her anger on satisfaction being made to her injured honour. +The bargain was soon struck, the happy pair were bundled off to church, +amidst the laughing shouts of the mob, where a parson waited to make good +the match too precipitately formed by our charitable friend. +</p> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br /><br /><br /><br /> +</div> +<h2> +POINT III. YES OR NO? +</h2> +<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">F</span>rederick the Great, King of Prussia, was so remarkably fond of children, +that he suffered the sons of the Prince Royal to enter his apartment +whenever they thought proper. One day, while he was writing in his closet, +the eldest of these princes was playing at shuttlecock near him. The +shuttlecock happened to fall upon the table at which the King sat, who +threw it at the young prince and continued to write. The shuttlecock +falling on the table a second time, the King threw it back, looking +sternly at the child, who promised that no accident of the kind should +happen again; the shuttlecock however fell a third time and even upon the +paper on which the king was writing. Frederick then took the shuttlecock +and put it in his pocket: the little prince humbly asked pardon and begged +the King to return him his shuttlecock. His Majesty refused: the prince +redoubled his entreaties, but no attention was paid to them; the young +prince at length being tired of begging, advanced boldly towards the King, +put his two hands on his side, and tossing back his little head with great +haughtiness, said in a threatening tone, "Will your Majesty give me my +shuttlecock, Yes or No?" +</p> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:35%;"> +<img src="images/019s.jpg" alt="019s " width="100%" /><br /> +</div> +<h4> +<a href="images/019.jpg"><i>Original Size</i></a> -- <a +href="images/019m.jpg"><i>Medium-Size</i></a> +</h4> +<p> +The King burst into a fit of laughter, and taking the shuttlecock out of +his pocket, returned it to the prince saying, "you are a brave boy, <i>you</i> +will never suffer Silesia to be taken from you." +</p> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004"> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:35%;"> +<img src="images/021s.jpg" alt="021s " width="100%" /><br /> +</div> +<h4> +<a href="images/021.jpg"><i>Original Size</i></a> -- <a +href="images/021m.jpg"><i>Medium-Size</i></a> +</h4> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br /><br /><br /><br /> +</div> +<h2> +POINT IV. EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY. +</h2> +<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">N</span>ear Taunton, in Somersetshire, lived a sturdy fellow, by trade a miller, +who possessed a handsome and buxom young woman for his wife. The said dame +was many years the junior of her spouse, and thought that the neighbouring +village contained not a few more agreeable companions, than the one whom +Heaven had given her for life. Of this circumstance the miller had some +suspicions, and determined to set them at rest one way or the other. +Accordingly, one day he pretended to set off to buy corn, and told his +wife that he should not be at home that night. The miller departed, and +when the shades of evening afforded some concealment, in glided, to supply +his place at bed and board, a neighbouring country squire. +</p> +<p> +As the village clock struck one that night, and as the loving pair were +wrapped in sleep, a loud knocking was heard at the door. +</p> +<p> +The miller had unexpectedly returned home, and the unfortunate couple +within were reduced to despair. The wit of the female was however equal to +the emergency; the gentleman's clothes were pushed under her own, and his +person was conducted into the kitchen, by the frail fair one, and there +enclosed in a singular place of security. +</p> +<p> +The tall house clock, which always forms a part of the furniture of the +"parlour, kitchen, and all," of men of our miller's rank, was at that time +out of order, and the works had, on the very morning in question, been +conveyed to Taunton, to undergo a thorough repair. It immediately struck +the damsel that her lover could abide in no safer place than this, until +her husband was asleep, and she could return and let him out. Now the +country squire was a tall and a stout man, with a jolly rubicund +physiognomy. He consequently enclosed himself in the clock-case with some +difficulty, and when the good woman locked the door of it, as the only way +of keeping it shut, it gave him a nip in the paunch, which would have +extorted a cry under any other circumstances. As it was, the tightness +below threw all the blood into his countenance, which, for such was his +height, overtopped the wood work of the case, and appeared exactly at the +spot where the clock usually shewed the hour. So that, had a light been +held up to it, this portentous face would have borne the appearance of a +dark red moon scowling, out of fog and vapours upon a stormy night. This +despatched, the dame commenced her own part with confidence. She gaped and +yawned, and only admitted the miller till he had cursed and sworn his wife +into a conviction, that he was her lawful husband, and no deceiver who had +mimicked his voice and manner for his own wicked purposes. Much to the +dismay of the parties already in possession of the house, the miller +insisted upon striking a light, which at length obtaining, he drove his +wife before him up to the bed-room, and then slily and under pretence of +something else, examined the apartment; and concluded with a thorough +conviction of the groundlessness of his suspicions. +</p> +<p> +The wife, overjoyed at getting the candle out of the kitchen without +discovery, was in high good humour, so that the miller became in excellent +spirits too, both on account of his agreeable reception and the dispersion +of his fears, and as a proof of his state of mind gave his wife a hearty +kiss, and swore that they would go down and have a cozy bit of supper +together before they went to bed. In vain the poor woman resisted, the +slice of bacon must be broiled and the eggs poached. With trembling hand +she bore the light into the kitchen, and durst not cast a glance upon the +clock case where the prisoner, full of horror at the return of the candle, +and reduced to a state of insufferable impatience by his miserable plight, +uttered a deep low groan of despair as they entered the apartment. +Fortunately it was not loud enough to attract the miller's attention, but +thrilled through the heart of his unfortunate spouse. The happy pair soon +began their culinary operations, the male with a light heart and a hungry +appetite, the female sick and trembling at the disclosure which she feared +was inevitable. All she could do, she did. She tried to keep up a +conversation, she shaded the light, and she spread rasher after rasher +before the all-devouring miller, who seemed as if intent to display his +prowess before his rival, who was most ruefully and intently gazing upon +him from his window of observation. +</p> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005"> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:35%;"> +<img src="images/025s.jpg" alt="025s " width="100%" /><br /> +</div> +<h4> +<a href="images/025.jpg"><i>Original Size</i></a> -- <a +href="images/025m.jpg"><i>Medium-Size</i></a> +</h4> +<p> +By the lady's artful management, the miller sat with only a side view of +the clock, and allowed a few sympathizing glances to be interchanged +between the unhappy squire and his love, as she spread the tempting meal +before her liege lord. Doubtless they both thought the miller's appetite +was enormous, and in the calculation of either of them, he had already eat +a side of bacon, when he declared he had done. <i>Now for good luck!</i> +inwardly exclaimed the dame, <i>fortune befriend me, and let me get him up +stairs without casting a look upon that poor deplorable face</i>; which by +the bye had lately been assuming all hues, and within the last two minutes +had turned from a blue red to deadly pale, and back again to red black; +and slight twitches and convulsive motions were observed in the muscles of +his face, as if the poor unfortunate owner of them was tormented by some +body below, who alternately pricked and pinched him. Oh, what a weight was +taken off the heart of the frail fair one, and how fervently did she offer +up vows of chastity in the gratitude of the moment, when the miller, +having eat and drank his fill, made a motion for the bed room. Gladly was +she attending him, when, as ill luck would have it, a <i>loud sneeze</i> +was heard in the room, which was followed by an equally loud; scream from +the lady of the miller, who now gave all up for lost. It seemed that the +dust of the clock-case had been disturbed by the body of the squire, and +part of it being dislodged, had sought refuge in the intricacies of his +nostrils. Hence the wincings and writhings, which, over and above being +abominably nipped, produced the awful changes recorded above, and at +length ended in a sneeze, which he could no longer restrain. This event +had not the expected issue, for the dame in her fright threw down the +candlestick, which she held in her hand, and extinguished the light. The +good miller, now drowsy and stupid, chid her for being alarmed at the +sneezing of a <i>cat</i>; and, not waiting for the poking out of a light +from the dying embers, pushed his wife and himself off to bed, bestowing +upon her, by the way, many of those endearing caresses, which husbands in +a good humour lavish upon their wives; which caresses were certainly as +indifferent to her, as they were doubtless disagreeable to her friend in +the clock. Release was not so soon at hand as the parties sanguinely +expected, for though the miller slept, he took as secure a hold of his +faithful dame, as if he had really been aware of the gaol-delivery she +intended to accomplish. To her last resource, therefore, she was compelled +to fly, for the morning was fast coming on. The miller's sleep was broken +by the loud cries of his wife, who declared she was so ill, she was sure +she should die. She yelled and screamed till the poor man in despair knew +not what to do, and could only cry out <i>What can I get you, What can I +get you?</i> Now the wily dame well knew that <i>that</i> would be the +best for her complaint which was not in the house, so she vociferated <i>Brandy, +brandy, Oh for some brandy</i>. The poor husband scrambled up some +clothes, and set off for the nearest public house for some brandy, which +was nearly a mile from his abode. Arriving there, he knocked up the +landlord, who administered the medicine to him. To pay for which, the +distressed husband put his hand in his breeches' pocket, and much to his +own surprise, pulled out a large bundle of bank notes, at which he stared +in amazement; when the landlord cried out, Lord! <i>you have got Mr. +Farrer's breeches on</i>. Buckskins, it seems, well known in the +neighbourhood. +</p> +<p> +"<i>The Devil I have</i>," returned the miller, in a tone which came up +like a groan, as he gazed upon his nether man. Quickly comprehending the +secret of the exchange, he pocketed the notes, drank up the brandy for his +own consolation, and went home, moralizing his pensive path, and gave the +hypocritical culprit the soundest beating she ever had in her life. She, +poor soul! who had been charitably employed in the meanwhile, in letting +the bird out of his cage, was not prepared for this reception; nor did she +understand it until the next morning, when the breeches were cried round +the town by her malignant husband, who also with no pleasant expression of +countenance, made a point of turning over his newly-acquired riches in her +presence. +</p> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006"> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:35%;"> +<img src="images/029s.jpg" alt="029s " width="100%" /><br /> +</div> +<h4> +<a href="images/029.jpg"><i>Original Size</i></a> -- <a +href="images/029m.jpg"><i>Medium-Size</i></a> +</h4> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br /><br /><br /><br /> +</div> +<h2> +POINT V. THE JOLLY BEGGARS; OR LOVE AND LIBERTY, <br /> <br /> A CANTATA, BY +ROBERT BURNS. +</h2> + +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +RECITATIVO. + +When lyart leaves bestrow the yird, +Or wavering like the Bauckie-bird *, +Bedim cauld Boreas' blast; +When hailstanes drive wi' bitter skyte, +And infant frosts begin to bite, +In hoary cranreuch drest; +Ae night at e'en a merry core +O' randie, gangrel bodies, +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +To drink their orra duddies****: +Wi' quaffing, and laughing, +They ranted an' they sang; +Wi' jumping, an' thumping, +The vera girdle rang. + +* The "bat". + +** A whiskey house. + +*** Frolic. + +**** Superfluous rags. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +First, neist the fire, in auld red rags, +Ane sat, weel brac'd wi' mealy bags, +And knapsack a' in order; +His doxy lay within his arm, +Wi' <i>usquebae</i> an' blankets warm, +She blinket on her sodger: +An' ay he gies the tozie drab The tither skelpan kiss, +While she held up her greedy gab Just like an aumous* dish: +Ilk smack still, did crack still, +Just like a cadger's** whip; +Then staggering, an' swaggering, +He roar'd this ditty up— +</pre> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007"> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:35%;"> +<img src="images/032s.jpg" alt="032s " width="100%" /><br /> +</div> +<h4> +<a href="images/032.jpg"><i>Original Size</i></a> -- <a +href="images/032m.jpg"><i>Medium-Size</i></a> +</h4> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +AIR. + +<i>Tune</i>—Soldier's Joy. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +I. + +I am a son of Mars, who have been in many wars, +And shew my cuts and scars wherever I come; +This here was for a wench, and that other in a trench, +When welcoming the French at the sound of the drum. + +<i>Lai de daudle, &c.</i> + +II. + +My prenticeship I past, where my leader breath'd his last, +When the bloody die was cast on the heights of Abram; +I served out my trade, when the gallant <i>game</i> was play'd, +And the Moro low was laid at the sound of the drum. + +* A plate for receiving alms. + +** A man who travels the country, with his +wares on the back of a horse or ass. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +III. + +I lastly was with Curtis, among the floating batt'ries, +And there I left for witness, an arm and a limb; +Yet let my country need me, with Elliot to head me, +I'll clatter on my stumps at the sound of a drum. + +IV. + +And now tho' I must beg, with a wooden arm and leg, +And many a tatter'd rag hanging over my———, +I'm as happy with my wallet, my bottle and my callet*, +As when I us'd in scarlet to follow a drum. + +V. + +What tho' with hoary locks, +I must stand the winter shocks, +Beneath the woods and rocks oftentimes for a home, +When the tother bag I sell, and the tother bottle tell, +I could meet a troop of hell at the sound of a drum. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +RECITATIVO. + +He ended; and the kebars** sheuk +Aboon the chorus roar; +While frighted rattons backward leuk, +An' seek the benmost bore***; +A Merry Andrew i' the neuk, +He skirl'd out, <i>encore!</i> +But up arose the martial chuck, +An' laid the loud uproar. + +*Wench. + +**Rafters. + +***Deepest recess. + +AIR. + +<i>Tune</i>—Sodger Laddie. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +I. + +I once was a maid, tho' I cannot tell when, +And still my delight is in proper young men: +Some one of a troop of dragoons was my daddie, +No wonder I'm fond of a <i>sodger laddie</i>. + +Sing, <i>Lal de lal, &c.</i> +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +II. + +The first of my loves was a swaggering blade, +To rattle the thundering drum was his trade; +His leg was so tight and his cheek was so ruddy, +Transported was I with my <i>sodger laddie.</i> +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +III. + +But the godly old chaplain left him in the lurch, +The sword I forsook for the sake of the church; +He ventur'd the soul, and I risked the body, +'Twas then I prov'd false to my <i>sodger laddie.</i> +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +IV. + +Full soon I grew sick of my sanctified sot, +The regiment at large for a husband I got; +From the gilded spontoon to the fife I was ready, +I asked no more but a <i>sodger laddie.</i> +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +V. + +But the <i>peace</i>, it reduc'd me to beg in despair, +Till I met my old boy at a <i>Cunningham</i> fair; +His rags regimental they flutter'd so gaudy, +My heart it rejoic'd at my <i>sodger laddie.</i> +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +VI. + +And now I have lived—I know not how long, +And still I can join in a cup and a song: +But whilst with both hands I can hold the glass steady, +Here's to thee, my hero, my <i>sodger laddie.</i> + +Sing, <i>Lal de dal, &c.</i> +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +RECITATIVO. + +Poor Merry Andrew in the neuk +Sat guzzling wi' a tinkler hizzie; +They mind't na wha the chorus teuk, +Between themsels they were sae busy. +At length wi' drink and courting dizzy, +He stoiter'd up an' made a face; +Then turn'd an' laid a smack on Grizzy, +Syne tun'd his pipes wi' grave grimace. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +AIR. + +<i>Tune</i>—Auld Sir Simon. + +Sir Wisdom's a fool when he's fou, +Sir Knave is a fool in a session; +He's there but a prentice, I trow, +But I am a fool by profession. +My Grannie she bought me a beuk, +An' I held awa to the school; +I fear I my talent misteuk, +But what will ye hae of a fool. +For drink I would venture my neck; +A hizzie's the half of my craft; +But what could ye other expect +Of ane that's avowedly daft. +I ance was ty'd up like a stirk, +For civilly swearing and quaffing; +I ance was abus'd i' the Kirk, +For towzing a lass i' my daffin. +Poor Andrew that tumbles for sport, +Let naebody name wi' a jeer; +There's ev'n, I'm tauld, i' the court, +A <i>Tumbler</i> ca'd the <i>Premier</i>. +Observ'd ye yon reverend lad +Mak faces to tickle the mob; +He rails at our mountebank squad, +It's <i>rivalship</i> just i' the job. +And now my conclusion I'll tell, +For faith I'm confoundedly dry, +The chiel that's a fool for himsel, +Guid Lord, he's far dafter than I. +</pre> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008"> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:35%;"> +<img src="images/037s.jpg" alt="037s " width="100%" /><br /> +</div> +<h4> +<a href="images/037.jpg"><i>Original Size</i></a> -- <a +href="images/037m.jpg"><i>Medium-Size</i></a> +</h4> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br /><br /><br /><br /> +</div> +<h2> +POINT VI. +</h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +RECITATIVO. + +Then neist outspak a raucle carlin*, +Wha kent fu' weel to cleek the sterlin'; +For mony a pursie she had hooked, +An' had in mony a well been douked: +Her Love had been a <i>Highland laddie</i>, +But weary fa' the waefu' woodie**! +Wi' sighs and sobs she thus began, +To wail her braw <i>John Highlandman</i>. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +AIR. + +<i>Tune</i>—O an ye were dead, Gudeman. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +I. + +A highland lad my love was born, +The Lalland laws he held in scorn; +But he still was faithfu' to his clan, +My gallant, braw <i>John Highlandman!</i> +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +CHORUS. + +<i>Sing hey my braw John Highlandman! +Sing ho my brazo John Highlandman! +There's not a lad in a' the lan' +Was match for my John Highlandman!</i> + +* A sturdy raw-boned dame. +** The gallows. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +II. + +With his philibeg an' tartan plaid, +An' guid claymore down by his side, +The ladies' hearts he did trepan, +My gallant, braw <i>John Highlandman.</i> + +<i>Sing, hey, &c.</i> +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +III. + +We ranged a' from Tweed to Spey, +An' liv'd like lords an' ladies gay; +For a lalland face he feared none, +My gallant, braw <i>John Highlandman.</i> + +<i>Sing, hey, &c.</i> +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +IV. + +They banish'd him beyond the sea, +But ere the bud was on the tree, +Adown my cheeks the pearls ran, +Embracing my <i>John Highlandman.</i> + +<i>Sing, hey, &c.</i> +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +V. + +But och! they catch'd him at the last, +And bound him in a dungeon fast; +My curse upon them every one, +They've hang'd my braw <i>John Highlandman.</i> + +<i>Sing, hey, &c.</i> +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +VI. + +And now a widow I must mourn, +Departed joys that ne'er return; +No comfort but a hearty can, +When I think on <i>John Highlandman.</i> + +<i>Sing, hey, &c.</i> +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +RECITATIVO. + +A pigmy scraper wi' his fiddle, +Wha us'd to trystes and fairs to driddle. +Her strappen limb an' gausy middle, +(He reach'd na higher,) +Had hol'd his heartie like a riddle, +An' blawn't on fire. +W' hand on hainch, an' upward e'e, +He croon'd his gamut, <i>one, two, three,</i> +Then in an arioso key, +The wee Apollo Set off wi' <i>allegretto</i> glee +His <i>giga solo.</i> +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +AIR. + +<i>Tune</i>—Whistle owre the lave o't. +Let me ryke up to dight that tear, +An' go wi' me an' be my dear; +An' then your every <i>care</i> and <i>fear</i> +May whistle owre the lave o't. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +CHORUS. + +<i>I am fidler to my trade, +An' at the tunes that e'er I play'd, +The sweetest still to wife or maid, +Was, whistle owre the lave o't.</i> +At kirns an' weddins we'se be there, +An' O sae nicely's we will fare! +We'll bowse about till Dadie +Care Sing whistle owre the lave o't. + +<i>I am, &c.</i> + +Sae merrily's the banes we'll pyke, +An' sun oursells about the dyke; +An' at our leisure when ye like +We'll—whistle owre the lave o't.— + +<i>I am, &c.</i> + +But bless me wi' your heav'n o' charms, +And while I kittle * hair on thairms, +Hunger, cauld, an' a' sic harms +May whistle owre the lave o't. + +<i>I am, &c.</i> + +RECITATIVO. + +Her charms had struck a sturdy <i>Caird</i> **, +As weel as poor <i>Gutscraper</i>; +He taks the fiddler by the beard, +An' draws a roosty rapier— +He swoor by a' was swearing worth, +To speet him like a pli ver, +Unless he would from that time forth +Relinquish her for ever: +</pre> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="linkimage-0009" id="linkimage-0009"> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:35%;"> +<img src="images/042s.jpg" alt="042s " width="100%" /><br /> +</div> +<h4> +<a href="images/042.jpg"><i>Original Size</i></a> -- <a +href="images/042m.jpg"><i>Medium-Size</i></a> +</h4> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Wi' ghastly e'e, poor <i>tweedle-dee</i>, +Upon his hunkers*** bended, +An' pray'd for grace wi' ruefu' face, +An' so the quarrel ended; +But tho' his little heart did grieve, +When round the <i>tinker</i> prest her, +He feign'd to snirtle in his sleeve, +When thus the <i>Caird</i> address'd her + +* While I rub a horse-hair bow upon cat-gut. + +** Tinker. + +***Haunches. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +AIR. + +<i>Tune</i>—Clout the Caudron. + +I.. + +My bonie lass I work in brass, +A tinkler is my station; +I've travell'd round all Christian ground +In this my occupation; +I've ta'en the gold, I've been enroll'd +In many a noble squadron; +But vain they search'd, when off I march'd +To go an' clout the caudron. + +<i>I've ta 'en the gold, &c.</i> +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +II. + +Despise that shrimp, that wither'd imp, +With a' his noise an' caprin; +An' take a share with those that bear +The budget an' the apron! +An' by that stowp, my faith an' houpe, +An' by that dear Kilbaigie*! +If e'er ye want, or meet with scant, +May I ne'er weet my craigie. + +<i>An' by that stowp, &c.</i> +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +RECITATIVO. + +The Caird prevail'd—th' unblushing fair +In his embraces sunk; +Partly wi' love o'ercome sa sair, +An' partly she was drunk: +<i>Sir Violino</i>, with an air, +That show'd a man o' spunk, +Wish'd unison between the pair, +An' made the bottle clunk +To their health that night. + +* A well known kind of whiskey. + +But hurchin Cupid shot a shaft, +That play'd a dame a shavie— +A sailor rak'd her fore and aft, +Behind the chicken cavie. +Her lord a wight o' Homer's craft, +Tho' limpan wi' the spavie, +He hirpl'd up an' lap like daft, +An <i>shor'd</i> * them <i>Dainty Davie</i> +O'boot that night. +He was a care-defying blade, +As ever Bacchus listed! +Tho' fortune sair upon him laid, +His heart, she ever miss'd it: +He had no wish but—to be glad, +Nor want but—when he thirsted; +He hated nought but—to be sad, +An' thus the Muse suggested +His sang that night. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +AIR. + +<i>Tune</i>—for a' that, an' a' that. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +I. + +I am a bard of no regard +Wi' gentle-folks, an' a' that; +But Homer-like, the glowran byke**, +Frae town to town I draw that. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +CHORUS. + +<i>For a' that, an' a' that, +An' twice as muckle's a' that, +I've lost but ane, I've twa behin' +I've wife eneugh 'or a' that.</i> + +* Promised. + +** The multitude. + +II. + +I never drank the Muses' <i>tank</i>, +Castalia's burn an' a' that; +But there it streams, an' richly reams +My <i>Helicon</i> I ca' that. + +<i>For a' that, &c.</i> +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +III. + +Great love I bear to all the Fair, +Their humble slave, an' a' that; +But lordly Will, I hold it still +A mortal sin to thraw that. + +<i>For a' that, &c.</i> +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +IV. + +In raptures sweet, this hour we meet, +Wi' mutual love an' a' that; +But for how lang the flie may stang, +Let Inclination law that. + +<i>For a' that, &c.</i> +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +V. + +Their tricks an' craft hae put me daft, +They've ta'en me in, an' a' that; +But clear your decks, an' here's <i>the Sex!</i> +I like the jads for a' that. + +<i>For a' that, an a' that,</i> + +An' twice as muckle's a' that, +My dearest bluid, to do them guid, +<i>They're welcome till't for a' that.</i> +</pre> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br /><br /><br /><br /> +</div> +<h2> +POINT VII. +</h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +RECITATIVO. + +So sung the <i>Bard</i>—and Nansie's waws +Shook wi' a thunder of applause, +Re-echo'd from each mouth! +They toom'd * their pokes, they pawn'd their duds**, +They scarcely left to coor their fuds, +To quench their lowan drouth. +</pre> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="linkimage-0010" id="linkimage-0010"> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:35%;"> +<img src="images/048s.jpg" alt="048s " width="100%" /><br /> +</div> +<h4> +<a href="images/048.jpg"><i>Original Size</i></a> -- <a +href="images/048m.jpg"><i>Medium-Size</i></a> +</h4> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Then owre again, the jovial thrang, +The poet did request, +To lowse his pack an' wale a sang, +A ballad o' the best.. +He, rising, rejoicing, +Between his <i>two, Deborahs</i>, +Looks round him, an' found them +Impatient for the chorus. + +* Opened. + +**Rags. +</pre> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br /><br /><br /><br /> +</div> +<h2> +POINT VIII. +</h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +AIR. + +<i>Tune</i>—JOLLY MORTALS, fill your glasses. +</pre> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="linkimage-0011" id="linkimage-0011"> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:35%;"> +<img src="images/051s.jpg" alt="051s " width="100%" /><br /> +</div> +<h4> +<a href="images/051.jpg"><i>Original Size</i></a> -- <a +href="images/051m.jpg"><i>Medium-Size</i></a> +</h4> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +I. + +See! the smoking bowl before us, +Mark our jovial, ragged ring! +Round and round take up the chorus, +And in raptures let us sing— +<i>A fig for those by law protected,</i> +Liberty's <i>a glorious feast! +Courts for cowards were erected, +Churches built to please the priest.</i> +What is title, what is treasure, +What is reputation's care? +If we lead a life of pleasure, +'Tis no matter how or where. + +<i>A fig, &c.</i> + +III. + +With the ready trick and fable, +Round we wander all the day; +And at night, in barn or stable, +Hug our doxies on the hay. + +<i>A fig, &c.</i> +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +IV. + +Does the train-attended carriage +Thrp' the country lighter rove? +Does the sober bed of marriage +Witness brighter scenes of love? + +<i>A fig, &c.</i> + +V. + +Life is all a <i>variorum,</i> +We regard not how it goes; +Let them cant about, decorum +Who have character to lose. + +<i>A fig, &c.</i> +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +VI. + +Here's to <i>budgets, bags, and wallets!</i> +Here's to all the wandering train! +Here's <i>our ragged brats and callets!</i> +One and all cry out, <i>Amen!</i> + +<i>A fig for those by law protected,</i> +Liberty's <i>a glorious feast! +Courts for cowards were erected, +Churches built to please the priest.</i> +</pre> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="linkimage-0012" id="linkimage-0012"> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:35%;"> +<img src="images/053s.jpg" alt="053s " width="100%" /><br /> +</div> +<h4> +<a href="images/053.jpg"><i>Original Size</i></a> -- <a +href="images/053m.jpg"><i>Medium-Size</i></a> +</h4> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br /><br /><br /><br /> +</div> +<h2> +POINT IX. THE DOWNFALL OF HOLY CHURCH. +</h2> +<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>n the year of 1460, Revel was governed by a General, whose name was John +of Mengden; a worthy old man, who loved his glass of wine, and had the +gout; for wine and the gout are sister's children. It was his custom to +ride out occasionally on a black horse down to the shores of the Baltic, +whence he continued his way to a convent of nuns consecrated to St. +Bridget. This nunnery, which was called Marianthal, was situated about a +mile from the town, and its ruins are inhabited by owls and ravens. +</p> +<p> +On one of these excursions he was accompanied by the Lord Marshal, Gothard +of Plettenberg. +</p> +<p> +As they approached the convent wall, the Marshal's horse became suddenly +restive. "Have you heard," said he, "the strange, stories of the +subterraneous passage, and that it winds in intricate mazes round the +cloister?"—— "No," replied John of Mengden, "but I should like +to hear them over a bottle; you shall relate them to me in the evening." +</p> +<p> +"It may be done now, and in a few words," rejoined the other; "for we +stand exactly before the subterraneous passage, or mouth of the cavern; +but for fifty years, not a human foot has advanced beyond the bottom of +the steps, there the torches are always blown out." +</p> +<p> +The burgomaster of Revel, who was then with them, made a cross on his +breast, and confirmed the statement. "Sometimes," continued Gothard, "are +heard, during the night, the sounds of soft music, arising slowly and +melodiously from the cave, like the sweet tones of musical glasses, with +an accompaniment of the songs of angels. The holy sisters of the convent +are frequent listeners to this divine harmony, though none of the words +can be understood." +</p> +<p> +"Let the venerable Lady Abbess come down to me," said the general, as he +alighted from his horse, and placed his glove in his sword-belt. The +Abbess now appeared, veiled. She modestly curtsied to the knight, and +presented him with a cup of Spanish wine. The old General laid himself +down on the grass, and asked the sainted lady if she could give him any +information relative to the subterraneous passage? The Abbess replied in +the affirmative, adding a number of particulars concerning what she and +her pious sisters had seen,—and fancied they had seen—heard, +and fancied they had heard. +</p> +<p> +"So God and St. Vitus help me!" exclaimed the governor, "I will myself +make an attempt to descend into the cavern; give me a lighted, consecrated +torch." +</p> +<p> +The burgomaster crossed himself all over. A cold shivering seized him; the +only vault into which he had been accustomed to descend, was the +town-cellar which was haunted by none but <i>choice spirits</i>, with +which he was familiar. +</p> +<p> +The lady Abbess entreated the old man not to undertake so rash an +enterprize; and assured him, that the spirits of former times, unlike +those of the present day, would not allow themselves to be sported with. +But in arguing with the brave old General, they talked to the wind which +blew over the Baltic. The consecrated torches were brought, the corpulent +General repeated an Ave-Maria, recommended himself to St. Vitus, his +protecting Saint, and courageously entered the mysterious passage. The +sound of his feet was still heard on the steps; his breathing was still +audible, and the glimmer of his torch played on the damp walls. On a +sudden all was silent, and the light disappeared. The listeners above were +on the stretch of attention. Go-thard was stationed on the upper step; the +burgomaster a few paces further back; and behind him stood the Abbess, her +rosary running through her fingers. They listened, but all was still! +"Holloa there, John of Mengden!—how fare you?" thundered the voice +of Gothard; yet all was still as the grave. The listeners were alarmed; +they inclined their ears; they stood lightly on tip-toe; they restrained +their breath—not a sound ascended. The cavern yawned before them, +and all was silent below; "Holy St. Bridget! what can have happened? Let +the priests be summoned, and mass be said, to appease the spirits!" +</p> +<p> +The lady Abbess hastened to the convent, rang the chapel-bell, when all +the pious sisterhood hurried from their cells, fell upon their bare knees, +chastizing themselves, and praying to heaven for mercy towards the old +General. The burgomaster threw himself upon his horse, and trotted back to +the town to impart the terrible news to his wife, children and domestics. +Gothard, who was a courageous knight, alone remained, absorbed in gloomy +reflection, leaning against the wall, with his eyes fixed on the darkness +beneath. Thus he continued during two hours. At last he thought he heard +on the steps, some one breathing and struggling.—"John of Mengden!" +he vociferated—"are you alive, or dead?"—-"I am alive!" +replied the General, half breathless, as he stumbled up the steps. "Thanks +to God and St. Bridget!—we have been in agony on your account. Where +have you been? What have you heard or seen?" The General then related that +he had quietly descended, with the consecrated taper in his hand; that his +heart beat a little as he advanced; that a cold shiver had begun to seize +him; but that he took courage, as his taper burnt always clear and bright: +that at length he stood on the bottom step, and looked down an endless +passage, doubtful whether, under the protection of St. Bridget, he should +move forward or backward; that suddenly he was surrounded by a lukewarm +breeze, mild and fragrant, as if wafted over a bed of flowers, which in a +moment extinguished his taper, and so clouded his senses, that he sunk +like a dead man on the steps, and then lay a considerable time in a sort +of trance; that at last he awoke again, and it appeared to him as if he +were gently moved by a warm hand, though he knew not where he was, nor +what had happened to him; that he stretched out his hands, and felt +nothing but the cold stone; but that, as a little daylight glimmered upon +him from above, he composed his spirits, and began to creep with +difficulty up the steps; that when on them he was perfectly recovered, +feeling only a slight oppression in the head, similar to the effect of +intoxication. +</p> +<p> +"Well, brother," said he to the lord-marshal, "will not you also make the +attempt, and try whether it will not succeed better with you." +</p> +<p> +Gothard of Plettenberg demurred: notwithstanding he never feared, in +former times, a knight of flesh and bone, as long as he was able to wield +his sword; yet, with respect to ghosts, a very just exception was allowed; +and a knight might tremble in the dark like an old woman, without any +stain upon his honor, or impeachment of his valour. Now a days, the matter +is quite altered, and a man may fear any thing but ghosts. +</p> +<p> +"By my sword," said the governor, as he was returning home, "I will +investigate the causes of this mystery. I must know from whose mouth +proceeded the gentle breath, that smelt fragrant as the plants of the +east, and yet had force enough to extinguish the flame of the consecrated +taper, and even to confuse my head, as though I had been drunk." +</p> +<p> +He instantly sent for Henry of Uxkull, bishop of Revel, and the Abbot, of +Pardis. Being arrived, they were entertained at a large oak table, and +quaffed wine from the family goblet. They listened to the fearful story of +their host, with their fat hands folded upon their huge bellies, and shook +their heads with significant silence. +</p> +<p> +Having well weighed the matter, knitted their brows and assumed an air of +importance, they finally agreed <i>that they knew not what to think of it</i>. +Each then waddled to his home and thought no more of the mysterious +cavern. +</p> +<p> +But it was not so with the General. He could not rest. His fancy was on +the rack, to account for the mystery. On the next morning, he despatched +letters to the Archbishop of Riga, to a learned canon, and two pious deans +of the holy church of Riga—stating "that a surprising incident had +obliged him to have recourse to their piety and wisdom, and entreating +that they would be at Revel on St. Egidius's day, to discuss in Christian +humility this weighty affair." +</p> +<p> +They came on the appointed day: for they were aware that the cellar of the +Governor contained excellent wine, and that his was no niggard +hospitality. The archbishop of Revel, and the Abbot of Pardis, were +likewise invited to assist, who failed not at the proper hour to present +themselves at the castle. An elegant repast had been prepared for them, +bumpers went cheerily round to the prosperity of Holy Church, and to the +perpetual bloom of the German order of religion. When their spiritual +stomachs were sufficiently gorged, the General thus addressed them: +"Reverend and pious fathers! thus and thus it happened to me and my friend +here, Gothard of Plettenberg," recounting his story—"What is to be +done to liberate the spirits who wander and breathe in the subterraneous +passage?" +</p> +<p> +"They must be driven out by force," replied the archbishop of Riga, "and +the power to do this was given to bishops from above." +</p> +<p> +"A wisp of hay should be steeped in holy water," added the canon, "with +which the steps of the dark passage should be sprinkled." +</p> +<p> +One of the deans advised that "the little chest with the Egyptian +hieroglyphics, which was kept as a relic in the convent of St. Bridget, +should be taken to the cavern.". +</p> +<p> +The other dean was of opinion that the spirits should be allowed to +continue without molestation so long as they only wandered and breathed. +</p> +<p> +The archbishop of Revel was also of the same sentiment, but the Abbot of +Pardis applauded this idea of the Egyptian hieroglyphics. +</p> +<p> +Last of all, the old General proposed that they should immediately ride to +the beach, and employ the arms of the church against the inhabitants of +the subterraneous passage. The wine had imparted its spirit to the holy +fathers; and they now felt courage to engage, if necessary, even with the +fiends of hell. +</p> +<p> +Within half an hour they were at the convent gate! +</p> +<p> +Three times were the consecrated torches borne round by the archbishop, +who, muttering between his teeth, dipped the wisp into a large ewer of +holy water, and plentifully besprinkled all present; Thus spiritually +armed, they silently and cautiously approached the entrance of the cavern. +Here a question arose, "who should go down first?" Those who were at home +were unwilling to rob the strangers of the honor of precedence. The deans +drew back, as being merely subalterns in the church, out of respect to +their bishop. The archbishop bowed to the right learned canon, and he +bowed to the rest. The General became impatient, and forced the archbishop +down the steps. The rest followed with beating hearts and tottering knees. +</p> +<p> +Each carried in his hand a consecrated taper; and with a rosary hanging at +his elbow, sprinkled the walls with drops of holy water. The last of the +procession was the Abbot of Pardis, who, grown unwieldy by the luxurious +diet of the church, could scarcely drag his short puffed legs after his +fat and bulky paunch. The steps too were not only small, but damp and +slippery; whence it happened, that on the second step the Abbot lost his +footing, and falling with his whole weight upon Henry of Uxkull, they both +fell upon the last dean: all three on the first dean; all four on the +canon; all five upon the archbishop of Riga; when the whole troop rolled +helter skelter down the steps, and plumped to the bottom like so many +sacks, there remaining senseless! +</p> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="linkimage-0013" id="linkimage-0013"> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:35%;"> +<img src="images/061s.jpg" alt="061s " width="100%" /><br /> +</div> +<h4> +<a href="images/061.jpg"><i>Original Size</i></a> -- <a +href="images/061m.jpg"><i>Medium-Size</i></a> +</h4> +<p> +The consecrated tapers were extinguished, and the venerable group were +veiled by a sort of Egyptian darkness. The General, who remained above, +heard the tremendous rumbling, to which succeeded a dead silence. For two +hours he listened, called on each by name, and waited in vain for a reply. +His voice alone was returned to him in a dull and hollow echo. The only +sound which met his eager listening, was that of the terrified bat, +flitting in the depths of the cavern; or, at intervals, the scream of the +frightened owl. +</p> +<p> +He was a man of uncommon courage, and he resolved to descend once more +himself, to see what was become of his guests; but as a prelude to this +perilous expedition, he determined to enliven his natural spirits by a +draught of generous wine. As he vociferated—"a cup of wine," to the +groom who held his horse, the word Wine reached the ears of the holy men—they +disentangled themselves from each other, scrambled up, their foreheads +bedewed with the sweat of terror, and when they had recovered themselves, +they confessed unanimously <i>that they were not able to unravel the +mystery.</i> +</p> +<p> +Thus ended the second attempt to gain a more intimate acquaintance with +the spirits of the subterraneous passage, and thenceforward no one was +bold enough to tread the magic ground. +</p> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> </a> +</p> +<div style="height: 4em;"> +<br /><br /><br /><br /> +</div> +<h2> +POINT X. A VISIT WITHOUT FORM. +</h2> +<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>hen the Cardinal Bernis resided at Rome in the capacity of Ambassador +from France, he bore the highest character for sanctity—yet the +Cardinal was a man, though a churchman; and churchmen are sometimes not +invulnerable to the shafts of love. A pair of speaking black eyes like +those of the Princess B., have before now made sad havoc in the heart of +the votary of celibacy. The lady was conscious of her own charms, but +being married to the man she loved, instead of setting them off by certain +little manouvres which some ladies perfectly understand how to put in +practice, she carefully avoided giving any encouragement to the Cardinal, +whose constant attendance upon her began to give her some uneasiness. At +length the Cardinal, finding that his visits, attentions, <i>cadeaux</i>, +and fine speeches had no effect, determined upon seeking an opportunity of +making the lady sensible of the excess of his passion. One morning the +Princess, on returning from mass, in her haste to avoid a violent shower +of rain, tripped as she was getting out of her carriage, and sprained her +ancle. The Cardinal, who by his spies was informed of every step the +Princess took, had attended at mass also; and as he was following the +Princess, unobserved, he saw the accident and ran to her assistance, +raised her into the carriage, and very humbly entreated her to allow him +the honour of seeing her safe home. His Excellency was not to be refused +consistently with etiquette, so the poor Princess was under the necessity +of hearing all the pretty things the Ambassador had reserved for the +occasion. All his protestations and entreaties proved fruitless, and the +poor lady arrived at the palace almost exhausted with the alarm the +conversation had caused her. She now endeavoured with all care to avoid +receiving the Cardinal's visits, but the old gentleman's amorous plans +were not to be thwarted.—He still found means of seeing her, and +again attacked her with his vows and protestations, so that the lady, +unable to bear it any longer, determined to inform the Prince, and related +to him all the circumstances of the affair. The Prince was enraged, and +threatened all kinds of vengeance against the lover; but however, when the +first burst of passion had a little subsided, he said to her, "We are, my +love, in a very aukward situation, for the Cardinal being Ambassador his +person is sacred; besides we should have the whole consistory and his +holiness at their head, thundering excommunication upon us. However, I +will think of some scheme of cooling the passion of this holy gentleman." +He accordingly suggested that she should write word to the Cardinal, that +as her husband was going that evening to his Villa near Tivoli, to order +some improvement to be made which would detain him the best part of next +day, she had determined to admit a visit from him; but that in order to +keep the matter a secret from the servants, she desired him to come at +midnight; that she would fix a silken ladder at her room window which +looked into the garden, whence he might easily ascend into the anti-room, +where he would find the door open that led into her own room. The reader +will naturally conceive the transports which this delicious billet excited +in the worthy Cardinal. He danced, and leaped and capered about for joy, +rang the bell, gave contradictory orders, and convinced his valet that he +was mad. He had the sense however to direct a suit of his finest linen to +be prepared, and to countermand the order for his carriage, for he +bethought himself he had better go privately. How tedious did the hours, +which intervened before the time of appointment, appear to our ardent +lover, and when the clock struck eleven he could no longer wait. It was a +good distance, he must be there in time, not a second too late; therefore +off he set after taking some precautions against his sacred person being +discovered. He arrives, panting with love and hope; the burning of +Mongibello could scarcely exceed the conflagration within him. He gets to +the garden-gate. One cannot think of every thing. The Princess in her +flurry had forgotten to order the garden-gate to be left open. What was to +be done? The wall was not high; but must his Eminence endanger his sacred +person? Love, however, the sovereign ruler, who makes even cowards heroes, +animated him. It was dreadfully dark; but luckily, in feeling for the +height of the wall, the anxious lover found an aperture in it large enough +to admit the foot: into this he stepped, gave a spring, and got to the +top; and then slid down the other side, not however without losing his hat +and cloak, which owing to the darkness of the night he could not find +again, nor was he aware, for the same reason, how he was daubed with +mortar and brick-dust. In this pickle, our Adonis made the best of his way +to find the ladder, tumbling over orange-trees and rosebushes, to the +manifest injury of his cassock, which began to hang about him in rags. At +last he reached the ladder, seized hold of it, stopped, panted a while for +breath, and then up he went. He had just got one leg through the window, +when the two large folding doors of the apartment flew open, and fifteen +or twenty servants with lighted torches in their hands presented +themselves before him. +</p> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="linkimage-0014" id="linkimage-0014"> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:35%;"> +<img src="images/068s.jpg" alt="068s " width="100%" /><br /> +</div> +<h4> +<a href="images/068.jpg"><i>Original Size</i></a> -- <a +href="images/068m.jpg"><i>Medium-Size</i></a> +</h4> +<p> +The Prince, at their head, ran up to the window, and with all courtesy +helped in the astonished Cardinal, and turning to the servants said, +"Scoundrels! is it thus you pay respect to the sacred person of the +Cardinal Bernis? Is it thus, by your negligence, that you compel his +Eminence, when coming to my wife, to venture his precious life upon a +slight ladder and force him through the window in this miserable plight?" +Conceive the situation of the bald-pated, cloakless, and tattered +Cardinal, as he stood ashamed and terrified before the jeering Prince and +his twenty torchbearers. His trembling knees could scarcely support him, +as, half dead with fright, shame, and disappointment, he sneaked out of +the room, still lighted by the torches and bowed out by the Prince, who +continued to apologize for the carelessness of his servants, much to the +annoyance of the poor Cardinal, whose misery was heightened by one stroke +more; for, as he was huddling off, he just caught the face of the +Princess, peeping through the opening of a door with some friends, all +almost convulsed with laughter. +</p> +<p> +<br /><br /> +</p> +<hr /> +<p> +<a name="linkimage-0015" id="linkimage-0015"> </a> +</p> +<div class="fig" style="width:35%;"> +<img src="images/070s.jpg" alt="070s " width="100%" /><br /> +</div> +<h4> +<a href="images/070.jpg"><i>Original Size</i></a> -- <a +href="images/070m.jpg"><i>Medium-Size</i></a> +</h4> +<div style="height: 6em;"> +<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> +</div> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44517 ***</div> +</body> +</html> 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