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diff --git a/old/44263.txt b/old/44263.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..44df67b --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44263.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10931 @@ +Project Gutenberg's 500 of the Best Cockney War Stories, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: 500 of the Best Cockney War Stories + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 23, 2013 [EBook #44263] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COCKNEY WAR STORIES *** + + + + +Produced by Brian Coe, Moti Ben-Ari and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +book was created from images of public domain material +made available by the University of Toronto Libraries +(http://link.library.utoronto.ca/booksonline/).) + + + + + + + + + + 500 OF THE BEST + COCKNEY + WAR + STORIES + + REPRINTED FROM THE LONDON + Evening News + + AND ILLUSTRATED BY + BERT THOMAS + + WITH AN OPENING YARN BY + GENERAL + SIR IAN HAMILTON + G.C.B., G.C.M.G., D.S.O., etc. + Vice-President of the British Legion + President of the Metropolitan Area of the + British Legion + + ASSOCIATED NEWSPAPERS LTD. + LONDON, E.C.4 + + + + +EDITOR'S FOREWORD + + +In the remembering, and in the retelling, of those war days when +laughter sometimes saved men's reason, Cockneys the world over have +left to posterity a record of noble and imperishable achievement. + +From the countless tales collected by the London _Evening News_ these +five hundred, many of them illustrated by the great war-time artist, +Bert Thomas, have been chosen as a fitting climax and perpetuation. + +Sir Ian Hamilton's story of another war shows that, however much +methods of fighting may vary from generation to generation, there is no +break in continuity of a great tradition, that the spirits of laughter +and high adventure are immortal in the make-up of the British soldier. + +Sir Ian's story is doubly fitting. As President of the Metropolitan +Area of the British Legion he is intimately concerned with the +after-war welfare of just that Tommy Atkins who is immortalised in +these pages. In the second place, all profits from the sale of this +book will be devoted to the cause which the Higher Command in every +branch of the Services is fostering--the British Legion. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CONTENTS + + + SIR IAN HAMILTON'S STORY + 1. ACTION + 2. LULL + 3. HOSPITAL + 4. HIGH SEAS + 5. HERE AND THERE #/ + + + + +SIR IAN HAMILTON'S STORY + + +The Great War was a matrix wherein many anecdotes have sprouted. +They are short-lived plants--fragile as mushrooms--none too easy to +extricate either, embedded as they are in the mass. + +To dig out the character of a General even from the plans of his +General Staff is difficult; how much more difficult to dig out the +adventures of Number 1000 Private Thomas Atkins from those of the other +999 who went "like one man" with him over the top? In the side-shows +there was more scope for the individual and in the Victorian wars +much more scope. To show the sort of thing I mean I am going to put +down here for the first time an old story, almost forgotten now, in +the hopes that it may interest by its contrast to barrages and barbed +wire. Although only an old-fashioned affair of half a dozen bullets and +three or four dead men it was a great event to me as it led to my first +meeting with the great little Bobs of Kandahar. + +On the morning of September 11, 1879, I lay shivering with fever and +ague at Alikhel in Afghanistan. So sick did I seem that it was decided +I should be carried a day's march back to G.H.Q. on the Peiwar Kotal to +see if the air of that high mountain pass would help me to pull myself +round. Polly Forbes, a boy subaltern not very long from Eton, was sent +off to play the part of nurse. + +We reached the Peiwar Kotal without any adventure, and were allotted +a tent in the G.H.Q. camp pitched where the road between the Kurram +Valley and Kabul ran over the high Kotal or pass. Next morning, +although still rather weak in the knees, I felt game for a ride to the +battlefield. So we rode along the high ridge through the forest of +giant deodars looking for mementoes of the battle. The fact was that we +were, although we knew it not, in a very dangerous No Man's Land. + +We had reached a point about two miles from camp when we were startled +by half a dozen shots fired in quick succession and still more startled +to see some British soldiers rushing down towards us from the top of a +steep-sided knoll which crowned the ridge to our immediate front. + +Close past us rushed those fugitives and on, down the hillside, where +at last, some hundred yards below us, they pulled up in answer to our +shouts. But no amount of shouts or orders would bring them up to us, +so we had to get off our ponies and go down to them. There were seven +of them--a Corporal and three men belonging to one of the new short +service battalions and three signallers--very shaky the whole lot. Only +one was armed with his rifle; he had been on sentry-go at the moment +the signalling picquet had been rushed--so they said--by a large body +of Afghans. + +What was to be done? I realised that I was the senior. Turning to the +Corporal I asked him if he could ride. "Yes, sir," he replied rather +eagerly. "Well, then," I commanded, "you get on to that little white +mare up there and ride like hell to G.H.Q. for help. You others go up +with him and await orders." Off they went, scrambling up the hill, +Forbes and I following rather slowly because of my weakness. When we +got up to the path, ponies, syces, all had disappeared except that one +soldier who had stuck to his rifle. + +All was as still as death in the forest where we three now stood alone. +"Where are the others?" I asked the man. "I think they must be killed." +"Do you think they are up there?" "Yessir!" So I turned to Forbes and +said, "If there are wounded or dead up there we must go and see what we +can do." + +Where we stood we were a bit far away from the top of the wooded hill +for a jezail shot to carry and once we began to climb the slope we +found ourselves in dead ground. Nearing the top, my heart jumped into +my mouth as I all but put my foot on a man's face. Though I dared not +take my eyes off the brushwood on the top of the hill, out of the +corner of my eye I was aware he was a lascar and that he must be dead, +for his head had nearly been severed from his body. + +At that same moment we heard a feeble cry in Hindustani, "_Shabash, +Sahib log, chello!_" "Bravo, Gentlemen, come along!" This came from +another lascar shot through the body--a plucky fellow. "_Dushman kahan +hain?_"--"Where are the enemy?" I whispered. "When the sahibs shouted +from below they ran away," he said, and at that, side by side with the +revolvers raised to fire, Forbes and I stepped out on to the cleared +and levelled summit of the hill, a space about fifteen feet by twenty. + +All was quiet and seemed entirely normal. There stood the helio and +there lay the flags. Most astonishing of all, there, against a pile +of logs, rested the priceless rifles of the picquet guard with their +accoutrements and ammunition pouches lying on the ground beside them. +Making a sign to Forbes we laid down our revolvers ready to hand, took, +each of us, a rifle, loaded it, fixed the bayonet and stood at the +ready facing the edge of the forest about thirty yards away. + +Even in these days when my memory is busy chucking its seventy years or +so of accumulations overboard, the memory of that tense watch into the +forest remains as fresh as ever. For the best part of half an hour it +must have lasted. At last we heard them--not the Afghans but our own +chaps, coming along the ridge and now they were making their way in +open order up the hill--a company of British Infantry together with a +few Pathan auxiliaries, the whole under command of Captain Stratton of +the 22nd Foot, head Signaller to the Force. + +In few words my story was told and at once bold Stratton determined +to pursue down the far side of the hill. Stratton had told me to go +back to camp, but I did not consider that an order and, keeping on the +extreme left of the line so that he should not see me, I pushed along. + +I noticed that the young soldier of the picquet who had stuck to his +rifle was still keeping by me as the long line advanced down the slope, +which gradually bifurcated into two distinct spurs. The further we went +the wider apart drew the spurs and the deeper became the intervening +nullah. Captain Stratton, Forbes, and the Regimental Company commander +were all on the other or eastern spur and the men kept closing in +towards them, until at last everyone, bar myself and my one follower, +had cleared off the western spur. I did not want to cross the +nullah, feeling too weak and tired to force my way through the thick +undergrowth. Soon we could no longer hear or see the others. + +Suddenly I heard Click! "Take cover!" I shouted and flung myself behind +a big stone. Sure enough, the moment often imagined had come! Not more +than twenty paces down the slope an old, white-bearded, wicked-looking +Enemy was aiming at me with his long jezail from behind a fallen log. +Click! again. Another misfire. + +Now I was musketry instructor of my regiment, which had been the best +shooting regiment in India the previous year. My revolver was a rotten +little weapon, but I knew its tricks. As the Afghan fumbled with his +lock I took aim and began to squeeze the trigger. Another instant and +he would have been dead when bang! went a rifle behind me; my helmet +tilted over my eyes, my shot went where we found it next day, about six +feet up into a tree. The young soldier had opened rapid fire just over +my head. + +At the same time, I saw another Afghan come crouching through the +brushwood below me towards a point where he would be able to enfilade +my stone. I shouted to my comrade, "I'm coming back to you," and turned +to make for his tree. Luck was with me. At that very moment bang went +the jezail and when we dug out the bullet next morning and marked the +line of fire, it became evident that had I not so turned I would never +have sat spinning this yarn. + +That shot was a parting salute. There were shouts from the right of the +line, and as I was making for my tree the Afghans made off in the other +direction. I shouted to Stratton and his men to press down to the foot +of the hill, working round to the north so as to cut off the raiders. +Then, utterly exhausted, I began my crawl back to the camp. + +Soon after I had got in I was summoned into the presence of the +redoubtable Bobs. Although I had marched past him at Kohat this was +my first face-to-face meeting with one who was to play the part +of Providence to my career. He made me sit in a chair and at once +performed the almost incredible feat of putting me entirely at my ease. +This he did by pouring a golden liquid called sherry into a very large +wine-glass. Hardly had I swallowed this elixir when I told him all +about everything, which was exactly what he wanted. + +A week later the Commander of the Cavalry Brigade, Redan Massy, applied +to Headquarters for an Aide-de-Camp. Sir Fred Roberts advised him to +take me. That billet led to unimaginable bliss. Surrounding villages +by moonlight, charging across the Logar Valley, despising all foot +sloggers--every sort of joy I had longed for. The men of the picquet +who had run away were tried by Court Martial and got long sentences, +alas--poor chaps! The old Mullah was sent to his long account by +Stratton. + +But that is the point of most war stories; when anyone gets a lift up +it is by the misfortune or death of someone else. + + IAN HAMILTON. + + + + +COCKNEY WAR STORIES + + +1. ACTION + + +The Outside Fare + +During the third battle of Ypres a German field gun was trying to hit +one of our tanks, the fire being directed no doubt by an observation +balloon. + +On the top of the tank was a Cockney infantryman getting a free ride +and seemingly quite unconcerned at Jerry's attempts to score a direct +hit on the tank. + +[Illustration: "Hi, conductor! Any room inside?--it's rainin'!"] + +As the tank was passing our guns a shrapnel shell burst just behind it +and above it. + +We expected to see the Cockney passenger roll off dead. All he did, +however, was to put his hand to his mouth and shout to those inside the +tank: "Hi, conductor! Any room inside?--it's rainin'!"--_A. H. Boughton +(ex "B" Battery, H.A.C.), 53 Dafforne Road, S.W.17._ + + +"Barbed Wire's Dangerous!" + +A wiring party in the Loos salient--twelve men just out from home. +Jerry's Verey lights were numerous, machine-guns were unpleasantly +busy, and there were all the dangers and alarms incidental to a sticky +part of the line. The wiring party, carrying stakes and wire, made its +way warily, and every man breathed apprehensively. Suddenly one London +lad tripped over a piece of old barbed wire and almost fell his length. + +"Lumme," he exclaimed, "that ain't 'arf dangerous!"--_T. C. Farmer, +M.C., of Euston Square, London (late of "The Buffs")._ + + +Tale of an Egg + +I was attached as a signaller to a platoon on duty in an advanced post +on the Ypres-Menin Road. We had two pigeons as an emergency means of +communication should our wire connection fail. + +One afternoon Fritz put on a strafe which blew in the end of the +culvert in which we were stationed. We rescued the pigeon basket from +the debris and discovered that an egg had appeared. + +That evening, when the time came to send in the usual evening +"situation report," I was given the following message to transmit: + +"Pigeon laid one egg; otherwise situation normal."--_D. Webster, 85 +Highfield Avenue, N.W.11._ + + +"No Earfkwikes" + +On a bitterly cold, wet afternoon in February 1918 four privates and +a corporal were trying to take what shelter they could. One little +Cockney who had served in the Far East with the 10th Middlesex was +complaining about everything in general, but especially about the +idiocy of waging war in winter. + +"Wot yer grumblin' at?" broke in the corporal, "you with yer fawncy +tyles of Inja? At any rate, there ain't no blinking moskeeters 'ere nor +'orrible malyria." + +There was a break in the pleasantries as a big one came over. In the +subsequent explosion the little Cockney was fatally wounded. + +"Corpril," the lad gasped, as he lay under that wintry sky, "you fergot +to menshun there ain't no bloomin' sun-stroke, _nor no earfkwikes, +neither_." + +And he smiled--a delightful, whimsical smile--though the corporal's +"Sorry, son" was too late.--_V. Meik, 107 King Henry's Road, N.W.3._ + + +A "Bow Bells" Heroine + +For seven hours, with little intermission, the German airmen bombed a +camp not a hundred miles from Etaples. Of the handful of Q.M.A.A.C.s +stationed there, one was an eighteen-year-old middle-class girl, +high-strung, sensitive, not long finished with her convent school. +Another was Kitty, a Cockney girl of twenty, by occupation a +machine-hand, by vocation (missed) a comedienne, and, by heaven, a +heroine. + +The high courage of the younger girl was cracking under the strain +of that ordeal by bombs. Kitty saw how it was with her, and for five +long hours she gave a recital of song, dialogue, and dance--most of it +improvised--while the bombs fell and the anti-aircraft guns screamed. +In all probability she saved the younger girl's reason. + +When the last raider had dropped the last bomb, Kitty sank down, all +but exhausted, and for long cried and laughed hysterically. Hers was +not the least heroic part played upon that night.--_H. N., London, E._ + + +Samson, but Shorn + +During the German attack near Zillebeke in June 1916 a diminutive +Cockney, named Samson, oddly enough, received a scalp wound from a +shell splinter which furrowed a neat path through his hair. + +The fighting was rather hot at the time, and this great-hearted little +Londoner carried on with the good work. + +Some hours later came the order to fall back, and as the Cockney was +making his way down the remains of a trench, dazed and staggering, a +harassed sergeant, himself nearly "all in," ordered him to bear off a +couple of rifles and a box of ammunition. + +This was the last straw. "Strike, sergeant," he said, weakly, "I +can't 'elp me name being Samson, but I've just 'ad me perishin' 'air +cut!"--"_Townie," R.A.F._ + + +"What's Bred in the Bone----!" + +When we were at Railway Wood, Ypres Salient, in 1916, "Muddy Lane," +our only communication trench from the front line to the support line, +had been reduced to shapelessness by innumerable "heavies." Progress +in either direction entailed exposure to snipers in at least twelve +different places, and runners and messengers were, as our sergeant put +it, "tickled all the way." + +In the support line one afternoon, hearing the familiar "Crack! Crack! +Crack!" I went to Muddy Lane junction to await the advertised visitor. +He arrived--a wiry little Cockney Tommy, with his tin hat dented in two +places and blood trickling from a bullet graze on the cheek. + +In appreciation of the risk he had run I remarked, "Jerry seems to be +watching that bit!" + +"Watching!" he replied. "'Struth! I felt like I was walking darn +Sarthend Pier naked!"--_Vernon Sylvaine, late Somerset L.I., Grand +Theatre, Croydon._ + + +A Very Human Concertina + +In March 1918, when Jerry was making his last great attack, I was in +the neighbourhood of Petit Barisis when three enemy bombing planes +appeared overhead and gave us their load. After all was clear I +overheard this dialogue between two diminutive privates of the 7th +Battalion, the London Regiment ("Shiny Seventh"), who were on guard +duty at the Q.M. Stores: + +"You all right, Bill?" + +"Yes, George!" + +"Where'd you get to, Bill, when he dropped his eggs?" + +"Made a blooming concertina of meself and got underneaf me blinkin' tin +'at!"--_F. A. Newman, 8 Levett Gardens, Ilford, Ex-Q.M.S., 8th London +(Post Office Rifles)._ + + +A One-Man Army + +The 47th London Division were holding the line in the Bluff sector, +near Ypres, early in 1917, and the 20th London Battalion were being +relieved on a very wet evening, as I was going up to the front line +with a working party. + +Near Hell Fire Corner shells were coming over at about three-minute +intervals. One of the 20th London Lewis gunners was passing in full +fighting order, with fur coat, gum boots, etc., carrying his Lewis gun, +several drums of ammunition, and the inevitable rum jar. + +One of my working party, a typical Cockney, surveyed him and said: + +"Look! Blimey, he only wants a field gun under each arm and he'd be a +bally division."--_Lieut.-Col. J. H. Langton, D.S.O._ + + +"Nah, Mate! Soufend!" + +During the heavy rains in the summer of 1917 our headquarters dug-out +got flooded. So a fatigue party was detailed to bale it out. + +"Long Bert" Smith was one of our baling squad. Because of his abnormal +reach, he was stationed at the "crab-crawl," his job being to throw the +water outside as we handed the buckets up to him. + +It was a dangerous post. Jerry was pasting the whole area unmercifully +and shell splinters pounded on the dug-out roof every few seconds. + +Twenty minutes after we had started work Bert got badly hit, and it was +some time before the stretcher-bearers could venture out to him. When +they did so he seemed to be unconscious. + +"Poor blighter!" said one of the bearers. "Looks to be going West." + +Bert, game to the last, opened his eyes and, seeing the canvas bucket +still convulsively clutched in his right fist, "Nah, mate!" he +grunted--"Soufend!" + +But the stretcher-bearer was right.--_C. Vanon, 33 Frederick Street, +W.C.I._ + + +"I Got 'Ole Nelson Beat!" + +Several stretcher cases in the field dressing station at the foot of +"Chocolate Hill," Gallipoli, awaited removal by ambulance, including a +Cockney trooper in the dismounted Yeomanry. + +He had a bandage round his head, only one eye was visible, and his left +arm was bound to his breast with a sandbag. + +His rapid-fire of Cockney witticisms had helped to keep our spirits up +while waiting--he had a comment for everything. Suddenly a "strafe" +started, and a shrapnel shell shot its load among us. + +Confusion, shouts, and moans--then a half-hysterical, half-triumphant +shout from the Cockney: "Lumme, one in the blinkin' leg this time. I +got 'ole Nelson beat at last!"--_J. Coomer (late R.E.), 31 Hawthorn +Avenue, Thornton Heath._ + + +Two Kinds of Fatalist + +A German sniper was busy potting at our men in a front-line trench at +Cambrai in March 1918. A Cockney "old sweat," observing a youngster +gazing over the parapet, asked him if he were a fatalist. + +The youngster replied "Yes." + +"So am I," said the Cockney, "but I believes in duckin'."--"_Brownie," +Kensal Rise, N.W.10._ + + +Double up, Beauty Chorus! + +One summer afternoon in '15 some lads of the Rifle Brigade were +bathing in the lake in the grounds of the chateau at Elverdinghe, a +mile or so behind the line at Ypres, when German shells began to land +uncomfortably near. The swimmers immediately made for the land, and, +drawing only boots on their feet, dashed for the cellar in the chateau. + +As they hurried into the shelter a Cockney sergeant bellowed, "Nah +then, booty chorus: double up an' change for the next act!"--_G E. +Roberts, M.C. (late Genl. List, att'd 21st Divn. Signal Co.), 28 +Sunbury Gardens, Mill Hill, N.W.7._ + + +The Theatre of War + +During the battle of Arras, Easter 1917, we were lying out in front +of our wire in extended order waiting for our show to begin. Both our +artillery and that of Fritz were bombarding as hard as they could. It +was pouring with rain, and everybody was caked in mud. + +Our platoon officer, finding he had a good supply of chocolate, and +realising that rations might not be forthcoming for some time, crept +along the line and gave us each a piece. + +As he handed a packet to one cheerful Cockney he was asked, "Wot abaht +a programme, sir?"--_W. B. Finch (late London Regiment), 155 High Road, +Felixstowe._ + + +"It's the Skivvy's 'Arf Day Orf" + +Easter Monday, April 9, 1917. Night. Inches of snow and a weird silence +everywhere after the turmoil of the day. Our battalion is held up in +front of Monchy-le-Preux during the battle of Arras. I am sent out with +a patrol to reconnoitre one of our tanks that is crippled and astride +the German wire 300 yards out. + +[Illustration: "I'll have to let yer in meself ... it's the skivvy's +'arf day orf!"] + +It is ticklish work, because the crew may be dead or wounded and Fritz +in occupation. Very warily we creep around the battered monster and +presently I tap gingerly on one of the doors. No response. We crawl to +the other side and repeat the tapping process. At last, through the +eerie silence, comes a low, hoarse challenge. + +"Oo are yer?" + +"Fusiliers!" I reply, as I look up and see a tousled head sticking +through a hole in the roof. + +"Ho!" exclaims the voice above, "I'll 'ave ter come dahn and let yer in +meself, it's the skivvy's 'arf day orf!" + +The speaker proved to have a shattered arm--among other things--and was +the sole survivor of the crew.--_D. K., Fulham, S.W.6._ + + +Cricket on the Somme + +"Spider" Webb was a Cockney--from Stepney, I believe--who was with us +on the Somme in 1916. He was a splendid cricketer. + +We had had a very stiff time for six or seven hours and were resting +during a lull in the firing. Then suddenly Jerry sent over five shells. +After a pause another shell came over and burst near to "Spider" and +his two pals. + +When the smoke cleared I went across to see what had happened. +"Spider's" two pals were beyond help. The Cockney was propping himself +up with his elbows surveying the scene. + +"What's happened, Webb?" I said. "Blimey! What's happened?" was the +reply. "One over--two bowled" (and, looking down at his leg)--"and I'm +stumped." Then he fainted.--_George Franks, M.C. (late Lieut., Royal +Artillery), Ilford, Essex._ + + +M'Lord, of Hoxton + +We called him "M'lord." He came from Hoxton--"That's where they +make 'em," he used to say. He was a great asset to us, owing to the +wonderful way in which he went out and "won" things. + +One night, near Amiens, in 1916, "M'lord" said, "I'm going aht to see +wot some uvver mob has got too much of." One or two of us offered to +accompany him, but he refused, saying, "You bloomin' elephants 'ud be +bahnd to give the gime away." + +About three hours later, when we were beginning to get anxious, we +saw him staggering in with a badly wounded German, who was smoking a +cigarette. + +Seeing us, and very much afraid of being thought soft-hearted, "M'lord" +plumped old Fritz down on the fire-step and said very fiercely, "Don't +you dare lean on me wif impunity, or wif a fag in your mouf." + +Jerry told us later that he had lain badly wounded in a deserted +farmhouse for over two days, and "M'lord" had almost carried him for +over a mile. + +"M'lord" was killed later on in the war. Our battalion was the 7th +Batt. Royal Fusiliers (London Regt.)--_W. A., Windsor._ + + +The Tall Man's War + +In our platoon was a very tall chap who was always causing us great +amusement because of his height. Naturally he showed his head above the +parapet more often than the rest of us, and whenever he did so _ping_ +would come a bullet from a sniper and down our tall chum would drop in +an indescribably funny acrobatic fashion. + +The climax came at Delville Wood in August 1916, when, taking over the +line, we found the trench knocked about in a way that made it most +uncomfortable for all of us. Here our tall friend had to resort to his +acrobatics more than ever: at times he would crawl on all fours to +"dodge 'em." One shot, however, caused him to dive down more quickly +than usual--right into a sump hole in the trench. + +Recovering himself, he turned to us and, with an expression of +unutterable disgust, exclaimed, "You blokes can laugh; anybody 'ud fink +I was the only blighter in this war."--_C. Bragg (late Rifle Brigade, +14th Division), 61 Hinton Road, Herne Hill, S.E.24._ + + +Germany Didn't Know This + +One night in June 1916, on the Somme, we were ordered to leave our line +and go over and dig an advance trench. We returned to our trench before +dawn, and shortly afterwards my chum, "Pussy" Harris, said to me, "I +have left my rifle in No Man's Land." + +"Never mind," I said, "there are plenty more. Don't go over there: the +snipers are sure to get you." + +But my advice was all in vain; he insisted on going. When I asked him +why he wanted that particular rifle he said, "Well, the barrel is bent, +_and it can shoot round corners_." + +He went over.... + +That night I saw the regimental carpenter going along the trench with +a roughly-made wooden cross inscribed "R.I.P. Pte. Harris."--_W. Ford, +613 Becontree Avenue, Chadwell Heath, Essex._ + + +Better than the Crystal Palace + +One night, while going round the line at Loos, I was accompanied by +Sergeant Winslow, who was a London coster before the war. + +We were examining the field of fire of a Lewis gun, when the Germans +opened up properly on our sector. Clouds of smoke rose from the +surrounding trenches, crash after crash echoed around the old Loos +crassier, and night was turned into day by Verey lights sent up by both +sides. + +Suddenly a lad of 18, just out, turned to Sergeant Winslow, and in a +quivering voice said: "My God, sergeant, this is awful!" + +Sergeant Winslow replied: "Now, look 'ere, me lad, you'd have paid 'alf +a dollar to take your best gal to see this at the Crystal Palace before +the war. What are yer grousing abaht?"--_A. E. Grant (late 17th Welch +Regt.), 174 Broom Road, Teddington._ + + +A Short Week-end + +One Saturday evening I was standing by my dug-out in Sausage Valley, +near Fricourt, when a draft of the Middlesex Regt. halted for the guide +to take them up to the front line where the battalion was. I had a chat +with one of the lads, who told me he had left England on the Friday. + +They moved off, and soon things got lively; a raid and counter-raid +started. + +Later the casualties began to come down, and the poor chaps were lying +around outside the 1st C.C.S. (which was next to my dug-out). On a +stretcher was my friend of the draft. He was pretty badly hit. I gave +him a cigarette and tried to cheer him by telling him he would soon be +back in England. With a feeble smile he said, "Blimey, sir, this 'as +been a short week-end, ain't it?"--_Pope Stamper (15th Durham L.I.), +188A Upper Richmond Road, East Sheen, S.W.14._ + + +Simultaneous Chess + +At Aubers Ridge, near Fromelles, in October 1918, my chum and I were +engrossed in a game of chess, our chessboard being a waterproof sheet +with the squares painted on it, laid across a slab of concrete from a +destroyed pill-box. + +The Germans began to drop 5.9's with alarming regularity about 150 +yards to our rear, temporarily distracting our attention from the game. + +Returning to the game, I said to my chum, "Whose move, Joe?" + +Before he could reply a shell landed with a deafening roar within a few +yards of us, but luckily did not explode (hence this story). + +His reply was: "Ours"--and we promptly did.--_B. Greenfield, M.M. (late +Cpl. R.F.A., 47th (London) Division), L.C.C. Parks Dept., Tooting Bec +Common, S.W._ + + +Fire-step Philosophy + +On July 1, 1916, I happened to be among those concerned in the +attack on the German line in front of Serre, near Beaumont Hamel. +Our onslaught at that point was not conspicuously successful, but we +managed to establish ourselves temporarily in what had been the Boche +front line, to the unconcealed indignation of the previous tenants. + +During a short lull in the subsequent proceedings I saw one of my +company--an elderly private whose melancholy countenance and lank black +moustache will ever remain engraved on my memory--seated tranquilly on +the battered fire-step, engrossed in a certain humorous journal. + +Meeting my astonished eye, he observed in a tone of mild resentment: +"This 'ere's a dud, sir. 'S not a joke in it--not what _I_ calls a +joke, anyway." + +So saying, he rose, pocketed the paper, and proceeded placidly to get +on with the war.--_K. R. G. Browne, 6B Winchester Road, N.W.3._ + + +"Teddie" Gets the Last Word + +Sergeant "Teddie" was rather deaf, but I am inclined to think that this +slight affliction enabled him to pull our legs on occasions. + +[Illustration: "A quarter to seven, sir."] + +Our company of the London Regiment had just taken over a part of the +line known as the Paris Redoubt, and on the first evening in the sector +the company commander, the second in command, Sergeant "Teddie," and +myself had a stroll along the observation line, which was just forward +of the front line, in order to visit the various posts. + +Suddenly a salvo of shells came over and one burst perilously near us. +Three of the party adopted the prone position in record time, but on +our looking round "Teddie" was seen to be still standing and apparently +quite unconcerned. + +"Why the dickens didn't you get down?" said one of the party, turning +to him. "It nearly had us that time." + +"Time?" said "Teddie," looking at his watch. "A quarter to seven, +sir."--_J. S. O. (late C.S.M., 15th London Regt.)._ + + +"Nobbler's" Grouse + +Just before the battle of Messines we of the 23rd Londons were holding +the Bluff sector to the right of Hill 60. "Stand down" was the order, +and the sergeant was coming round with the rum. + +"Nobbler," late of the Mile End Road, was watching him in joyful +anticipation when ... a whizz-bang burst on the parapet, hurling men +in all directions. No one was hurt ... but the precious rum jar was +shattered. + +"Nobbler," sitting up in the mud and moving his tin hat from his +left eye the better to gaze upon the ruin, murmured bitterly: +"Louvain--Rheims--the _Lusitania_--and now our perishin' rum issue. +Jerry, you 'eathen, you gets worse and worse. But, my 'at, won't you +cop it when 'Aig knows abaht this!"--_E. H. Oliver, Lanark House, +Woodstock, Oxford._ + + +Dust in 'Indenburg's Sauerkraut! + +To all those thousands who remember Shrapnel Corner and the sign: +"DRIVE SLOWLY! SPEED CAUSES DUST WHICH DRAWS THE ENEMY'S SHELL FIRE" +this incident will appeal. + +I had rounded the corner into Zillebeke Road with a load of ammunition, +and had gone about 200 yards along the road, when Fritz let go with a +few shells. + +"Rum Ration" (my mate's nick-name) looked out of the lorry to observe +where the shells were falling. + +"Nah we're for it," he exclaimed, "our dust must 'ave gorn into ole +'Indenberg's blinkin' sauerkraut."--_J. H. Clarke, ex-Pte., M.T.A.S.C._ + + +A Valiant Son of London + +Crack! Crack! Crack!--and men falling with each crack. It is terrible; +we are faced with mud, misery, and despair. A German machine-gun is +taking its toll. + +It seems impossible to get at the gunners, and we spend hours lying +in wait. This waiting proves too much for one of us; single-handed +he takes a chance and crawls away from my side. I keep him covered; +minutes roll by; they seem hours, days; and, as he is now out of sight, +I begin to give up hope for him, my Cockney pal. + +Some instinct warns me to keep watch, and I am rewarded. I feel my eyes +start from my head as I see the approaching procession--four Germans, +hands above their heads, and my pal following, carrying the machine-gun +across his shoulders. I marvel at his courage and wonder how it was +done ... but this I am never to know. As I leap from the trench to give +him assistance I realise his number is nearly up. He is covered with +blood. + +I go to relieve him of his burden, and in that moment one of the +Germans, sensing that my pal is almost out, turns on us with his +revolver. We are held at the pistol-point and I know I must make a +desperate bid to save my pal, who has done his best in an act which +saved a portion of our line. + +I drop the gun and, with a quick movement, I am able to trip the +nearest German, but he is quick too and manages to stick me (and I +still carry the mark of his bayonet in my side). + +The realisation I am still able to carry on, that life is sweet, holds +me up, and, with a pluck that showed his determination and Cockney +courage, my pal throws himself into a position in which he can work the +gun. _Crack!_ and _Crack!_ again: the remaining Germans are brought +down. + +I am weak with loss of blood, but I am still able to drag my pal with +me, and, aided by his determination, we get through. It seems we are at +peace with the world. But, alas, when only five yards from our trenches +a shell bursts beside us; I have a stinging pain in my shoulder and +cannot move! Machine-guns and rifles are playing hell. + +My pal, though mortally wounded, still tries to drag me to our trench. +He reaches the parapet ... _Zip_ ... _Zip_. The first has missed, but +the second gets him. It is a fatal shot, and, though in the greatest +agony, he manages to give me a message to his folks.... + +He died at my side, unrewarded by man. The stretcher-bearer told me +that he had five bullet-holes in him. He lies in France to-day, and I +owe my life to him, and again I pay homage to his memory and to him +as one of England's greatest heroes--a Valiant Son of London.--_John +Batten (late Rifleman, 13 Bn., K.R.R.C.), 50 Sussex Gardens, Hyde Park, +W.2._ + + +A Hint to the Brigadier + +Alec Lancaster was a showman at the White City in pre-war days. Short +in stature, he possessed a mighty heart, and in the ghastly days in +front of Poelcapelle he made history as the sergeant who took command +of a brigadier. + +The brigadier had been on a visit to the front line to inspect a new +belt of wire and, passing the ---- headquarters, paused to look around. + +Just then a few shells came over in quick succession and things looked +nasty. + +Alec Lancaster took command and guided the brigadier somewhat forcibly +into a dug-out with the laconic, "Nah, then. We don't want any dead +brigadiers rahnd 'ere."--_Geo. B. Fuller, 146 Rye Road, Hoddesdon, +Herts._ + + +"Salvage? Yus, Me!" + +On the third day of the German offensive in March 1918 a certain +brigade of the R.F.A. was retiring on Peronne. + +A driver, hailing from London town, was in charge of the cook's cart, +which contained officers' kits belonging to the headquarters' staff. + +As he was making his way along a "pip-squeak" came over and burst +practically beneath the vehicle and blew the whole issue to pieces. The +driver had a miraculous escape. + +When he recovered from the shock he ruefully surveyed the debris, and +after deciding that nothing could be done, continued his journey on +foot into Peronne. + +Just outside that town he was met by the Adjutant, who said, "Hullo, +driver, what's happened--where's cook's cart with the kits?" + +DRIVER: Blown up, sir. + +ADJUTANT (_anxiously_): Anything salved? + +DRIVER: Yus, sir, me!--_F. H. Seabright, 12 Broomhill Road, Goodmayes, +Essex._ + + +Almost Self-inflicted + +The London (47th) Division, after a strenuous time on the Somme in +September 1916, were sent to Ypres for a quiet (?) spell, the depleted +ranks being made up by reserves from home who joined us _en route_. + +The 18th Battalion (London Irish), were informed on taking the line +that their opponents were men of the very same German regiment as they +had opposed and vanquished at High Wood. + +Soon after "stand down" the following morning Rifleman S---- mounted +the fire-step and, cupping his hands to his mouth, shouted, "Compree +'Igh Wood, Fritz?" + +The words had hardly left his lips when _zip_, a sniper's bullet +knocked his tin hat off his head and Rifleman S---- found himself lying +on the duckboards with blood running down his face. + +Picking himself up, he calmly gathered his souvenirs together and said +as he made his way out, "Cheerio, boys, I've got a Blighty one, but +don't tell the colonel it was self-inflicted."--_A. C. B., Ilford, +Essex._ + + +Nobby's 1,000 to 1 Chance + +Our division (the Third) was on its way from the line for the +long-looked-for rest. We were doing it by road in easy stages. + +During a halt a pack animal (with its load of two boxes of ".303") +became restive and bolted. One box fell off and was being dragged +by the lashing. Poor old Nobby Clarke, who had been out since Mons, +stopped the box with his leg, which was broken below the knee. + +As he was being carried away one of the stretcher-bearers said, "Well, +Nobby, you've got a Blighty one at last." + +"Yus," said Nobby; "but it took a fousand rahnds to knock me +over."--_H. Krepper (late 5th Fusiliers), 62 Anerley Road, Upper +Norwood, S.E. 19._ + + +That Derby Scheme + +The Commanding Officer of a Territorial battalion was wounded in both +hands during the third battle of Gaza in 1917. He had much service to +his credit, was a lieutenant-colonel of over two years' standing, had +been wounded twice before, and held the D.S.O. + +He pluckily remained with his unit for thirty-six hours. Then, worn +out with lack of sleep, pain, and loss of blood, and filled with +disappointment at having to leave his battalion still in the fight, he +trudged back to the field ambulance. + +His sufferings, which had aged his appearance, and the Tommy's tunic +which he wore in action, apparently misled a party of 10th London men +whom he passed. They looked sympathetically at him, and one said, "Poor +old blighter, _'e ought never to 'ave been called up_."--_Captain J. +Finn, M.C., Constitutional Club, W.C.2._ + + +"Shoo-Shoo-Shooting" + +There were no proper trenches in front of Armentieres in early December +1914, and a machine gun section was doing its best to build an +emplacement and cover. It was in the charge of a young Londoner who in +times of excitement stuttered badly. + +Not being satisfied with the position of one sandbag, he hopped over +those already in place, and in full view of Jerry (it was daylight +too), began to adjust the sandbag that displeased him. + +Jerry immediately turned a machine gun on him, but the young officer +finished his work, and then stood up. + +Looking towards Jerry as the section yelled to him to come down, +he stuttered angrily. "I b-b-be-lieve the bli-bli-blighters are +shoo-shoo-shoo-shoo-ting at me." At that moment someone grabbed his +legs and pulled him down. It was a fine example of cool nerve.--_T. D., +Victoria, S.W.1._ + + +Ancient Britons?--No! + +It happened late in 1917 in Tank Avenue, just on the left of +Monchy-le-Preux. It was a foul night of rain, wind, sleet, and +whizz-bangs. + +My battalion had just been relieved, and we were making our way out as +best we could down the miry communication trench. Every now and again +we had to halt and press ourselves against the trench side to allow a +straggling working party of the K.R.R.s to pass up into the line. + +Shells were falling all over the place, and suddenly Fritz dropped one +right into the trench a few bays away from where I was. + +I hurried down and found two of the working party lying on the +duckboards. They were both wounded, and one of them had his tunic +ripped off him by the force of the explosion. What with his tattered +uniform--and what remained of it--and his face and bare chest smothered +in mud, he was a comical though pathetic sight. He still clung to his +bundle of pickets he had been carrying and he sat up and looked round +with a puzzled expression. + +One of our sergeants--a rather officious fellow--pushed himself forward. + +"Who are you?" he asked. "K.R.R.s?" + +"'Course," retorted the half-naked Cockney. "Oo d'ye fink we +was--Ancient Britons?"--_E. Gordon Petrie (late Cameron Highlanders), +"Hunky-Dory," Demesne Road, Wallington, Surrey._ + + +Desert Island--Near Bullecourt + +Between Ecoust and Bullecourt in January 1918 my platoon was passing +a mine crater which was half-full of water when suddenly Jerry sent +one over. Six of our fellows were wounded, and one of them, a Bow Road +Cockney, was hurled into the crater. + +[Illustration: "Robinson Crusoe."] + +He struggled to his feet and staggered towards a pile of rubble that +rose above the muddy water like an island. Arrived there, he sat down +and looked round him in bewilderment. Then: "Blimey," he muttered, +"Robinson ruddy Crusoe!"--_E. McQuaid (late R.S.F.), 22 Grove Road, +S.W.9._ + + +"Tiger's" Little Trick + +On October 11-12, 1914, during the Mons retreat, a small party of 2nd +Life Guards were told off as outpost on the main road, near Wyngene, +Belgium. After we had tied our horses behind a farmhouse at the side of +the road, we settled down to await the arrival of "Jerry." + +Time went slowly, and one of our troopers suggested that we all put a +half-franc into an empty "bully" tin, and the first one of us who shot +a German was to take the lot. To this we all agreed. + +It was about midnight when, suddenly, out of the shadows, rode a German +Death's-head Hussar. We all raised our rifles as one man, but before we +could shoot "Tiger" Smith, one of our real Cockney troopers, shouted, +"_Don't shoot! Don't shoot!_" During our momentary hesitation "Tiger's" +rifle rang out, and off rolled the German into the road. + +Upon our indignant inquiry as to why he had shouted "Don't shoot," +"Tiger" quietly said, "Nah, then, none of your old buck; just hand +over that tin of 'alf francs I've won."--_Fred Bruty (late Corporal +of Horse, 2nd Life Guards), City of London Police Dwellings, No. 3, +Ferndale Court, Ferndale Road, S.W.9._ + + +Raffle Draw To-night! + +Near St. Quentin, in October 1918, I was in charge of a section that +was detailed to cross a railway to establish communication with troops +on the other side. Unfortunately we were spotted by a German machine +gunner, who made things very hot for us, two men being quickly hit. We +managed, however, to reach a small mound where, by lying quite flat, we +were comparatively safe. + +Glancing in the direction from which we had come, I saw a man whom I +recognised as "Topper" Brown, our company runner, dashing as hard as he +could for the cover where we had sheltered. + +"How do, corp?" he said when he came up. "Any of your blokes like to go +in a raffle for this watch?" (producing same). "'Arf a franc a time; +draw to-night in St. Quentin."--_S. Hills (late Rifle Brigade), 213, +Ripple Road, Barking._ + + +Exit the General's Dessert + +In the early part of the War we were dug in between the Marne and the +Aisne with H.Q. situated in a trench along which were growing several +fruit trees which the troops were forbidden to touch. + +The Boche were shelling with what was then considered to be heavy +stuff, and we were all more or less under cover, when a large one hit +the back of the trench near H.Q. + +After the mess staff had recovered from the shock it was noticed +that apples were still falling from a tree just above, and the mess +corporal, his ears and eyes still full of mud, was heard to say: "Thank +'eaven, I shan't have to climb that perishin' tree and get the old +man's bloomin' dessert to-night."--_E. Adamson, Overseas Club, St. +James's._ + + +"Try on this Coat, Sir" + +In September 1916, while with the 17th K.R.R.C., I lost my overcoat +in a billet fire at Mailly-Maillet and indented for a new one, which, +however, failed to turn up. + +We moved to Hebuterne, where the line was very lively and the working +parties used to be strafed with "Minnies" all night. + +One night, while on patrol, with nerves on the jump, I was startled to +hear a voice at my elbow say, "Try this on." + +It was the Q.M.'s corporal with the overcoat! + +I solemnly tried it on there and then in No Man's Land, about 300 yards +in front of our front line and not very far from the German line. + +The corporal quite casually explained that he had some difficulty in +finding me out there in the dark, but he did not want the trouble of +carrying stuff out of the line when we moved!--_S. W. Chuckerbutty, +(L.R.B. and K.R.R.C.), 3 Maida Hill West, London, W.2._ + + +On the Kaiser's Birthday + +In the Brickstacks at Givenchy, 1916. The Germans were celebrating the +Kaiser's birthday by putting a steady succession of "Minnies" into and +around our front line trench. + +Just when the strain was beginning to tell and nerves were getting +jumpy, a little Cockney corporal jumped on the fire-step and, shaking +his fist at the Germans forty yards away, bawled, "You wait till it's +_my_ ruddy birthday!" + +Fritz didn't wait two seconds, but the little corporal had got his +laugh and wasn't taking a curtain.--_"Bison" (late R.W.F.)._ + + +"Chuck us yer Name Plate!" + +In June 1917 we were ordered to lay a line to the front line at "Plug +Street". Fritz started to bombard us with whizz-bangs, and my pal and +I took cover behind a heap of sandbags, noticing at the same time that +all the infantrymen were getting away from the spot. + +When things quietened down we heard a Cockney voice shouting, "Hi, +mate! Chuck us yer name plate (identification disc). Y're sitting up +against our bomb store."--_S. Doust (late Signal Section, "F" Battery, +R.H.A.), 53 Wendover Road, Well Hall, Eltham, S.E.9._ + + +To Hold His Hand + +While on our way to relieve the 1st R.W.F.s, who were trying their +utmost to hold a position in front of Mametz Wood, it was necessary to +cross a road, very much exposed to Jerry's machine guns. + +A burst of firing greeted our attempt, and when we succeeded, a Cockney +who had a flesh wound caused a smile by saying, "Go back? Not me. Next +time I crosses a road I wants a blinking copper ter 'old me 'and?"--_G. +Furnell, 57a Southwold Road, Upper Clapton, E.5._ + + +The New Landlord + +During an advance on the Somme in 1916 my company was rushed up to the +captured trenches to search the dug-outs and to bring in the prisoners. + +My Cockney pal was evidently enjoying himself. As he went from one +dug-out to another he was singing: + + "Orl that I want is lo-ove, + Orl that I want is yew." + +Entering one dug-out, however, his voice suddenly changed. In the +dug-out were three Germans. Showing them the point of his bayonet, +the Cockney roared: "Nah, then, aht of it; 'op it. I'm lan'lord 'ere +nah."--_C. Grimwade, 26 Rotherhithe New Road, Rotherhithe, S.E.16._ + + +"Out of Bounds" in the Line + +One night in October '14, in the neighbourhood of Herlies, "Ginger," a +reservist, was sent out to call in the men of a listening post. + +Dawn came, but no "Ginger" returned, and as he did not turn up during +the day he was given up for lost. + +Soon after dusk, however, a very worn and fed-up "Ginger" returned. We +gathered that he had suddenly found himself in the German lines, had +had a "dust-up," had got away, and had lain out in No Man's Land until +dusk allowed him to get back. + +The company officer was inclined to be cross with him, and asked him, +"But what made you go so far as the enemy position?" + +"Ginger" scratched his head, and then replied, "Well, sir, nobody said +anyfink to me abaht it being aht o' bahnds."--_T. L. Barling (late +Royal Fusiliers), 21 Lockhart Street, Bow, E.3._ + + +Epic of the Whistling Nine + +On May 14, 1917, the 2/2nd Battalion of the London Regiment occupied +the support lines in front of Bullecourt. "A" company's position was +a thousand yards behind the front line trenches. At 2 p.m. the enemy +began to subject the whole area to an intense bombardment which lasted +more than thirteen hours. + +In the middle of the bombardment (which was described by the +G.O.C.-in-Chief as "the most intense bombardment British troops had had +to withstand"), No. 3 platoon of "A" company was ordered to proceed to +the front line with bombs for the battalion holding it. The platoon +consisted of 31 N.C.O.s and men and one officer. + + * * * * * + +The only means of communication between the support and front lines was +a trench of an average depth of two feet. Along this trench the platoon +proceeded, carrying between them forty boxes of Mills bombs. Every few +yards there were deep shell holes to cross; tangled telephone wires +tripped the men; M. G. bullets swept across the trench, and heavy +shells obtained direct hits frequently, while shrapnel burst overhead +without cessation. + +A man was hit every few minutes; those nearest him rendered what aid +was possible, unless he was already dead; his bombs were carried on by +another. + + * * * * * + +Of the thirty-one who started, twenty-one were killed or wounded; the +remainder, having taken an hour and a half to cover the 1,000 yards, +reached the front line _with the forty boxes of bombs intact_. + +They were ordered to remain, and thus found themselves assisting in +repulsing an attack made by the 3rd Lehr Regiment of Prussian Guards, +and two of the men succeeded in wounding and capturing the commanding +officer of the attacking regiment. + +Of the ten N.C.O.s and men who were left, a lance-corporal was blown +to pieces in the trench; the remainder stayed in the front line until +they were relieved four days later. On their way back, through Vaux +Vraucourt, they picked clusters of May blossom, and with these in +their equipment and rifle barrels, marched into the transport lines +whistling.--_Captain, London Regiment._ + + +Tale of a Cook and a "Crump" + +Our cook was having the time of his life. The transition from trench +warfare to more or less open warfare in late October 1918 brought with +it a welcome change of diet in the form of pigs and poultry from the +deserted farms, and cook had captured a nice young porker and two brace +of birds. + +From the pleasant aroma which reached us from the cottage as we lay on +our backs watching a German aeroplane we knew that cook would soon be +announcing the feast was ready. + +Suddenly from the blue came a roar like that of an express train. We +flung ourselves into the ditch.... _K-k-k-k-r-r-r-ump!_ + +When the smoke and dust cleared away the cottage was just a rubbish +heap, but there was cook, most miraculously crawling out from beneath a +debris of rafters, beams, and bricks! + +"Ruddy 'orseplay!" was the philosopher's comment.--_I. O., 19 Burnell +Road, Sutton, Surrey._ + + +"---- Returns the Penny" + +When my husband commanded the 41st Division in France he was much +struck by the ready wit of a private of the Royal Fusiliers (City of +London Regiment) in a tight corner. + +A bomb landed in a crowded dug-out while the men were having a meal. +Everyone stared aghast at this ball of death except one Tommy, who +promptly picked it up and flung it outside saying: "Grite stren'th +returns the penny, gentlemen!" as he returned to his bully beef.--_Lady +Lawford, London, S.W.1._ + + +"In Time for the Workman's?" + +A night wire-cutting party in the Arras sector had been surprised by +daylight. All the members of the party (21st London Regiment) crawled +back safely except one Cockney rifleman. + +When we had reached the trenches and found that he was missing, we were +a bit upset. Would he have to lie out in No Man's Land all day? Would +he be spotted by snipers? + +After a while our doubts were answered by a terrific burst from the +German machine guns. Some of the bolder spirits peered over the top of +the "bags" and saw our Cockney pal rushing, head down, towards our line +while streams of death poured around him. + +He reached our parapet, fell down amongst us in the mud, uninjured, +and immediately jumped to his feet and said, "Am I in time for the +workman's?"--_D. F., Acton, W.3._ + + +A Lovely Record + +The Time: March 1916. + +The Scene: The Talus des Zouaves--a narrow valley running behind Vimy +Ridge from Neuville St. Vaast through Souchez. The weather is bleak, +and there is a sticky drizzle--it is towards dusk. + +The Man: A native of "somewhere just awf the 'Bricklayers Arms'--you +know where that is, sir." Height, just over 5 feet; complexion, red; +hair, red and not over tidy; appearance, awkward; clothes don't seem +to fit quite. Distinguishing marks--a drooping red moustache almost +concealing a short clay pipe, stuck bowl sideways in the corner of the +mouth. On the face there is a curious--whimsical--wistful, in fact, a +Cockney expression. + +The Occasion: The Boche is putting down his evening "strafe"--an +intense and very accurate barrage laid like a curtain on the southern +slope of the valley. Our hero, his hands closed round the stock of +his rifle held between his knees, is squatting unconcernedly on the +wet ground in the open on the northern side of the valley, where only +a shell with a miraculous trajectory could have scored a direct hit, +watching the shells burst almost every second not a great distance +away. The din and pandemonium are almost unbearable. Fragments of H.E. +and shrapnel are dropping very near. + +The Remark: Removing his pipe to reveal the flicker of a smile, he +remarked, in his inimitable manner: "_Lor' blimey, guv'nor, wouldn't +this sahnd orl rite on a grammerphone?_"--_Gordon Edwards, M.C. +(Captain, late S.W.B.), "Fairholm," 48 Alexandra Road, Wimbledon, +S.W.19._ + + +Logic in No Man's Land + +Fritz had been knocking our wire about, and a party of us were detailed +to repair it. One of our party, a trifle more windy than the rest, kept +ducking at the stray bullets that were whistling by. Finally, 'Erb, +who was holding the coil of wire, said to him, "Can't yer stop that +bobbin' abaht? They won't 'urt yer unless they 'its yer."--_C. Green, +44 Monson Road, New Cross, S.E.14._ + + +Fousands ... and Millions + +It was on the Mons-Conde Canal, on the afternoon of August 23, 1914. +Our artillery had just opened up when a tiny Cockney trumpeter, who +could not have been more than 15 years old, came galloping up to us +with a message. + +[Illustration: "They're coming on in millions."] + +"How are the gunners going on, boy?" said my captain. + +"Knocking 'em down in fousands, sir," replied the lad. + +"Good," said the captain. + +"Yus, and they're coming on in millions," replied the boy as he rode +away to his battery. + +A plucky kid, that.--_W. H. White, 29 Clive Road, Colliers Wood, +S.W.19._ + + +Lost: A Front Line + +Two or three American officers were attached to our brigade H.Q. on the +Somme front. + +We were doing our usual four days in the front line when one morning +an American officer emerged from the communication trench. Just then +the Germans opened out with everything from a 5.9 to rifle grenade. We +squeezed into funk-holes in the bottom of the trench. Presently there +was a lull, and the American officer was heard to ask, "Say, boys, +where is the front line in these parts?" + +"Tich," a little Cockney from Euston way, extracted himself from +the earth, and exclaimed, "Strike! j'ear that? Wot jer fink this +is--a blinkin' rifle range?"--_W. Wheeler (late 23rd Battalion Royal +Fusiliers), 55 Turney Road, Dulwich, S.E._ + + +"If Our Typist Could See Me Nah" + +Imagine (if you can) the mud on the Somme at its worst. A Royal Marine +Artilleryman (a very junior clerk from "Lambeff") was struggling up the +gentle slope behind Trones Wood with a petrol tin of precious water +in either hand. A number of us were admiring his manly efforts from a +distance when the sudden familiar shriek was heard, followed by the +equally familiar bang. + +We saw him thrown to the ground as the whizz-bang burst but a few feet +from him, and we rushed down, certain that he had "got his." Imagine +our surprise on being greeted by an apparition that had struggled to +a sitting posture, liberally plastered with mud, and a wound in the +shoulder, who hoarsely chuckled and said: "If our typist could see me +_nah_!"--_C. H. F. (W/Opr. attached R.M.A. Heavy Brigade)._ + + +Q! Q! Queue! + +The scene was an observation post in the top of a (late) colliery +chimney, 130 ft. up, on the outskirts of Bethune, during the last +German offensive of the War. + +A great deal of heavy shelling was in progress in our immediate +vicinity, and many of Fritz's "high-velocities" were screaming past our +lofty pinnacle, which was swaying with the concussion. At any moment a +direct hit was possible. + +My Cockney mate had located a hostile battery, and after some +difficulty with the field telephone was giving the bearing to +headquarters. + +Faults in the line seemed to prevent him from finishing his message, +which consisted of giving the map square (Q 20) being "strafed." The +"Q" simply would not reach the ears of the corporal at headquarters, +and after many fruitless efforts, using "Q" words, I heard him burst +out in exasperation: "Q! Q! Queue! ... Blimey! you know--the blinkin' +thing wot the pore blighters at home wite abaht for 'mawgarine' +in."--_B. W. Whayman (late F.S.C., R.E.), 24 Oxford Street, Boston, +Lincolnshire._ + + +"Fine 'eads er Salery!" + +We were in a deep railway cutting near Gouzeancourt. Jerry's aeroplanes +had found us and his artillery was trying to shift us. + +On the third day we had run out of cigarettes, so the sergeant-major +asked for a volunteer to go to a canteen four miles away. + +Our Cockney, a costermonger well known in the East End, volunteered. +He could neither read nor write, so we fixed him up with francs, a +sandbag, and a list. + +Hours passed, the strafe became particularly heavy, and we began to +fear our old pal had been hit. + +Suddenly during a lull in the shelling far away along the ravine we +heard a voice shouting, "Ere's yer fine 'eads er salery 'orl white." He +was winning through.--_"Sparks," Lowestoft, Suffolk._ + + +The Old Soldier Falls + +After my battalion had been almost wiped out in the 1918 retirement, I +was transferred to the 1st Batt. Middlesex Regt. One old soldier, known +to us as "Darky," who had been out since '14, reported at B.H.Q. that +he wanted to go up the front line with his old mates instead of resting +behind the line. + +His wish was granted. He was detailed to escort a party of us to the +front line. + +All went well till we arrived at the support line, where we were told +to be careful of snipers. + +We had only gone 20 yards further when the old soldier fell back into +my arms, shot through the head. He was dying when he opened his eyes +and said to me, "Straight on, lad. You can find your way now."--_A. H. +Walker, 59 Wilberforce Road, Finsbury Park, N.4._ + + +Not Meant For Him + +At the end of September 1917 my regiment (5th Seaforth Highlanders) +were troubled by bombing raids by enemy aircraft at the unhealthy +regularity of one raid per hour. We were under canvas at Siege Camp, +in the Ypres sector, and being near to a battery of large guns we were +on visiting terms with some of the gunners, who were for the most part +London men. + +A Lewisham man was writing a letter in our tent one day when we +again had the tip that the Germans were flying towards us. So we all +scattered. + +After the raid we returned to our tent and were surprised to see our +artillery friend still writing his letter. We asked him whether he +had stayed there the whole time and in reply he read us the following +passage from his letter which he had written during the raid: + +"As I write this letter Jerry is bombing the Jocks, but although I am +in their camp, being a Londoner, I suppose the raid is not meant for +me, and I feel quite safe."--_W. A. Bull, M.M., 62 Norman Road, llford, +Essex._ + + +An Extra Fast Bowler + +During the defence of Antwerp in October 1914 my chum, who was +wicket-keeper in the Corps cricket team, got hit in the head. + +I was with him when he came to, and asked him what happened. + +"Extra fast one on the leg side," was his reply.--_J. Russell (late +R.M.L.I.), 8 Northcote Road, Deal, Kent._ + + +"I'll Call a Taxi, Sir" + +During an engagement in East Africa an officer was badly wounded. Bill, +from Bermondsey, rode out to him on a mule. Whilst he was trying to get +the officer away on his mule the animal bolted. Bill then said, "Me +mule 'opped it, sir. 'E's a fousand miles from 'ere, so I'll giv yer a +lift on my Bill and Jack (back)." + +The officer was too heavy, so Bill put him gently on the ground saying, +"Sorry, sir, I'll 'ave ter call a taxi." Bill then ran 500 yards under +heavy machine-gun fire to where the armoured cars were under cover. He +brought one out, and thereby saved the officer's life. + +After the incident, Bill's attention was drawn to a bullet hole in his +pith helmet. "Blimey," he said, "what a shot! If he 'adn't a missed me, +'e'd a 'it me." Bill was awarded the Distinguished Conduct Medal.--_W. +B. Higgins, D.C.M. (late Corpl. Mounted Infantry), 46 Stanley Road, +Ilford._ + + +Attack in "Birthday Clothes" + +We came out of the line on the night of June 14-15, 1917, to "bivvies" +at Mory, after a hot time from both Fritz and weather at Bullecourt. +When dawn broke we were astonished and delighted to see a "bath." +Whilst we were in the line our Pioneers had a brain wave, dug a hole in +the ground, lined it with a tarpaulin sheet, and filled it with water. + +As our last bath was at Achiet-le-Petit six weeks before, there was a +tremendous crowd waiting "mit nodings on," because there was "standing +room only" for about twenty in the bath. + +Whilst ablutions were in progress an aeroplane was heard, but no +notice was taken because it was flying so low--"one of ours" everybody +thought. When it came nearer there was a shout, "Strewth, it's a Jerry +plane." + +Baths were "off" for the moment and there was a stampede to the +"bivvies" for rifles. It was the funniest thing in the world to see +fellows running about in their "birthday suits" plus only tin hats, +taking pot shots at the aeroplane. + +Even Fritz seemed surprised, because it was some moments before he +replied with his machine gun. + +We watched him fly away back to his own lines and a voice broke the +silence with, "Blinkin' fools to put on our tin 'ats. Uvverwise 'ole +Fritz wouldn't a known but what we might be Germans." + +I often wonder if any other battalion had the "honour" of "attacking +the enemy" clad only in tin hats.--_G. M. Rampton (late 12th London +Regt., "Rangers"), 43 Cromwell Road, Winchester._ + + +His Good-bye to the Q.M. + +Scene, Ypres, May 1915. The battalion to which I belonged had been +heavily shelled for many hours, and among the casualties was "Topper" +Brown, a Cockney, who was always in trouble for losing items of his +kit. Taken to the dressing station to have a badly shattered foot +amputated, he recovered consciousness to find the C.Q.M.S. standing by +the stretcher on which he lay. + +The C.Q.M.S., not knowing the extent of Brown's injury, inquired, +"What's the trouble, Brown?" + +In a weak voice the Cockney replied, "Lost one boot and one sock again, +Quarter."--_E. E. Daniels (late K.R.R.), 178 Caledonian Road, N.1._ + + +From Bow and Harrow + +We were in the line at Neuville St. Vaast in 1916. A raid had just been +carried out. In the party were two inseparable chums, one from Bow and +one from Harrow. (Of course they were known as Bow and Arrow.) + +The bulk of the raiders had returned, but some were yet to come in. +Some time later three forms were seen crawling towards our line. They +were promptly helped in. + +As their faces were blackened they were hard to recognise, and a +corporal asked them who they were. + +"Don't yer know us?" said the chap from Bow. "We're Bow and Arrow." +"Blimey!" said another Cockney standing by. "And I suppose the other +bloke's Robin 'ood, aint 'e."--_G. Holloway (late London Regt. and 180 +M.G.C.), 179 Lewis Buildings, West Kensington, W.14._ + + +Piccadilly in the Front Line + +Towards the end of September 1918 I was one of a party of nine men and +an officer taking part in a silent raid in the Ypres sector, a little +in front of the well-known spot called Swan and Edgar's Corner. The +raid was the outcome of an order from Headquarters demanding prisoners +for information. + +Everything had been nicely arranged. We were to approach the German +line by stealth, surprise an outpost, and get back quickly to our own +trenches with the prisoners. + +Owing perhaps to the wretchedness of the night--it was pouring with +rain, and intensely black--things did not work according to plan. +Instead of reaching our objective, our party became divided, and the +group that I was with got hopelessly lost. There were five of us, +including "Ginger," a Cockney. + +We trod warily for about an hour, when we suddenly came up against a +barbed-wire entanglement, in the centre of which we could just make +out the figure of a solitary German. After whispered consultation, we +decided to take him prisoner, knowing that the German, having been +stationary, had not lost sense of direction and could guide us back +to our line. Noiselessly surmounting the barbed wire, we crept up to +him and in a second Ginger was on him. Pointing his bayonet in Fritz's +back, he said, "Nah, then, you blighter, show us the way 'ome." + +Very coolly and without the slightest trace of fear, the German replied +in perfect English, "I suppose you mean me to lead you to the British +trenches." + +"Oh!" said Ginger, "so yer speak English, do yer?" + +"Yes," said the German, "I was a waiter at a restaurant in Piccadilly +before the War." + +"Piccadilly, eh? You're just the feller we want. Take us as far as Swan +and Edgar's Corner."--_R. Allen (late Middlesex Regt., 41st Division), +7 Moreland Street, Finsbury Park, N.4._ + + +"Wag's" Exhortation + +On a bitterly cold night, with a thick fog settling, the Middlesex +Regt. set out on a raid on a large scale on the enemy's trenches. +Fritz must have got wind of it, for when they were about half-way +across the enemy guns opened fire and simply raked No Man's Land. The +air was alive with shrapnel and nearly two-thirds of the raiders were +casualties in no time. + +Those that could tried to crawl back to our lines, but soon lost +all direction in the fog. About half a dozen of them crawled into a +shell-hole and lay there wounded or exhausted from their efforts, and +afraid to move while the bombardment continued. + +Meanwhile "Wag" Bennett, a Cockney, though badly wounded, had dragged +himself out of a shell-hole, and was crawling towards what proved later +to be the enemy lines when he saw the forms of the other fellows in the +darkness. As he peered down upon them he called out, "Strike me pink! +Lyin' abaht dahn there as if you was at the 'Otel Cissle, while there's +a ruddy war agoin' on. Come on up aht of it, else you'll git us all a +bad name." + +In a moment they were heartened, and they crawled out, following "Wag" +on their hands and knees and eventually regained our lines. Poor "Wag" +died soon afterwards from his wounds.--_H. Newing, 1 Park Cottages, +Straightsmouth, Greenwich, S.E.10._ + + +Making a King of Him + +Our company of the Middlesex Regiment had captured a hill from Johnny +Turk one evening, and at once prepared for the counter-attack on the +morrow. My platoon was busy making a trench. On the parapet we placed +large stones instead of sandbags. + +During these operations we were greeted with machine-gun fire from +Johnny and, our numbers being small, we had to keep firing from +different positions so as to give the impression that we were stronger +than we really were. + +It was while we were scrambling from one position to another that +"Smudger" Smith, from Hammersmith, said: "Love us, Sarge, 'ow's this +for a blinkin' game of draughts?" The words were hardly out of his +mouth when Johnny dropped a 5.9 about thirty yards away. The force of +the explosion shook one of the stones from the parapet right on to +"Smudger's" head, and he was knocked out. + +When he came round his first words were: "Blimey, they must 'ave 'eard +me to crown me like that."--_W. R. Mills (late Sergt., 2/10th Middlesex +Regt.), 15 Canterbury Road, Colchester, Essex._ + + +"Peace? Not wiv you 'ere!" + +Two Cockney pals who were always trying to get the better of one +another in a battle of words by greeting each other with such remarks +as "Ain't you blinkin' well dead yet?" earned for themselves the +nick-names of Bill and Coo. + +One evening they were sent to fetch water, and on the return journey +the Germans started to shell rather heavily. + +Coo ran more quickly than Bill and fell into a shell-hole. He scrambled +out in time to see his pal blown sky high by what appeared to be a +direct hit. + +Coo was heard to remark: "I always told 'im 'e ought to be reported +missing, and blimey if 'e ain't." + +He then went to see if he could find the body: instead he found Bill +alive, though badly wounded. + +When finally Coo got his pal back to the trench, Bill opened his eyes. +Seeing Coo bending over him, he said: "Lumme, I thought peace 'ad come +at last, but it ain't--not wiv you 'ere."--_William Walker, 30 Park +Road, Stopsley Road, Luton, Beds._ + + +An Expert on Shells + +We were billeted in the vaults of Ypres Post Office. Towards dusk of +a summer's day in 1916 four of us were lounging at the top of the +vault stairs, discussing the noise made by different shells. Jerry, +a Cockney, was saying, "Yes, yer can always tell big 'uns--they +shuffles," and went on to demonstrate with _Shsh-shsh-shsh_, when +someone said "Listen!" + +There was the real sound, and coming straight for us. We dived or fell +to the bottom of the stairs. Followed a terrific "crump" right in the +entrance, which was completely blocked up. + +Every candle and lamp was blown out; we were choking with dust and +showered with bricks and masonry. + +There was a short silence, and Jerry's voice from the darkness said, +"There y'are; wot did I tell yer?"--_H. W. Lake, London._ + + +A Camel "on the Waggon" + +During the battle of Gaza in April 1917 camels were used for the +conveyance of wounded. Each camel carried a stretcher on either side +of its hump. Travelling in this manner was something akin to a rough +Channel crossing. + +[Illustration: "I believe he was drunk before we set eyes on him."] + +I was wounded in the leg. My companion was severely wounded in both +legs. Some very uncomplimentary remarks were passed between us +concerning camels, particularly the one which was carrying us. + +When we arrived at a field dressing-station a sergeant of the R.A.M.C. +came along with liquid refreshments. + +"Sergeant," said my chum, "if you give this bloke (indicating the +camel) anything to drink I'm going to walk, 'cos I believe the blighter +was drunk before we ever set eyes on him."--_Albert J. Fairall, 43 +Melbourne Road, Leyton, E.10._ + + +Parting Presents + +It was on Passchendaele Ridge in 1917. Jerry had been giving us a hot +time with his heavies. Just before daybreak our telephone line went +west and we could not get through to our O.P. + +I was detailed to go out and repair the line with a young Cockney from +Hackney. He had only been with us a few days and it was his first time +up the line. + +We had mended one break when shells dropped all round us. When I got +to my feet, I saw my pal lying several feet away. I escaped with a few +splinters and shock. I dragged my chum to a shell-hole which was full +of water and found he was badly hit about the shoulder, chest, and leg. +I dressed him as best I possibly could, when, _bang_, a shell seemed +to drop right on us and something came hurtling into our hole with a +splash. + +It turned out to be a duckboard. I propped my chum against it to stop +him slipping back into the water. After a few minutes he opened his +eyes, and though in terrible pain, smiled and said, "Lummy, Jeff, old +Jerry ain't so bad, after all. He has given me a nice souvenir to take +to Blighty and now he has sent me a raft to cross the Pond on." Then he +became unconscious. + +It was now daybreak and quiet. I pulled him out of the hole and went +and repaired the line. We got him away all right, but I never heard +from him. I only hope he pulled through: he showed pluck.--_Signaller +H. Jeffrey (late Royal Artillery), 13 Bright Road, Luton, Chatham, +Kent._ + + +Bluebottles and Wopses + +We had just gone into the front line. Two of us had not been there +before. + +During a conversation with a Cockney comrade, an old hand, we told him +of our dislike of bombs. He tried to re-assure us something like this: +"Nah, don't let them worry you. You treat 'em just like blue-bottles, +only different. With a blue-bottle you watch where it settles an' 'it +it, but with bombs, you watch where they're goin' to settle and 'op it. +It's quite simple." + +A short time after a small German bomb came over and knocked out our +adviser. My friend and I picked him up and tried to help him. He was +seriously hurt. As we lifted him up my friend said to him, "You didn't +get your blue-bottle that time, did you?" He smiled back as he replied: +"'Twasn't a blue-bottle, mate; must 'ave been a blinkin' wopse."--_C. +Booth, 5 Creighton Road, N.W.6._ + + +The Cheerful "Card" + +On that June morning in 1917 when Messines Ridge went up, a young chap +was brought in to our A.D.S. in Woodcote Farm. A piece of shell had +torn a great gap in each thigh. Whilst the sergeant was applying the +iodine by means of a spray the M.O. asked, "How are things going this +morning?" The lad was wearing a red heart as his battalion sign, and +despite his great pain he answered: "O.K. sir. Hearts were trumps this +morning."--_R. J. Graff, 3/5th L.F.A., 47th Division, 20 Lawrie Park +Road, Sydenham._ + + +Great Stuff This Shrapnel + +During the retreat from Mons it was the cavalry's work to hold up the +Germans as long as possible, to allow our infantry to get in position. + +One day we had a good way to run to our horses, being closely pursued +by the Germans. When we reached them we were all more or less out of +breath. A little Cockney was so winded that he could hardly reach his +stirrup, which kept slipping from under his foot. + +Just then a shrapnel shell burst directly overhead, and the Cockney, +without using his stirrup, vaulted clean into the saddle. + +As we galloped off he gasped, "Blimey, don't they put new life in yer? +They're as good as Kruschens."--_E. H. (late R.H.G.), 87 Alpha Road, +Surbiton, Surrey._ + + +Wot a War! + +Three of us were sitting on the high ground on the Gallipoli Beach +watching shells dropping from the Turk positions. + +A "G.S." wagon was proceeding slowly along below us, the driver huddled +in his coat, for the air was chill. + +Suddenly he jumped from the wagon and ran in our direction--he had +heard the shell before we had. + +The next moment the wagon was proceeding skywards in many directions, +and the horses were departing at top speed in different directions. + +The driver surveyed the scene for a moment and then in a very +matter-of-fact voice said: "Blimey! See that? Now I suppose I've +got to _walk_ back, and me up all night--wot a war!" And away he +trudged!--_C. J. A., N.W.11._ + + +The Umpire + +After a retreat in May 1915 we saw, lying between our fresh position +and the German lines, an English soldier whom we took to be dead. + +Later, however, we advanced again, and discovered that the man was not +dead, but badly wounded. + +On being asked who he was, he replied in a very weak voice, "I fink +I must be the blinkin' umpire."--_W. King (late Royal Fusiliers), 94 +Manor Grove, Richmond, Surrey._ + + +"Don't Tell 'Aig" + +Little "Ginger" was the life and soul of our platoon until he was +wounded on the Somme in 1918. + +As he was carried off to the dressing-station he waved his hand feebly +over the side of the stretcher and whispered, "Don't tell 'Aig! He'd +worry somethin' shockin'."--_G. E. Morris (late Royal Fusiliers), 368 +Ivydale Road, Peckham Rye, S.E.15._ + + +"... In Love and War" + +During a most unpleasant night bombing raid on the transport lines at +Haillecourt the occupants of a Nissen hut were waiting for the next +crash when out of the darkness and silence came the Cockney voice of +a lorry driver saying to his mate, "'Well,' I sez to 'er, I sez, 'You +do as you like, and I can't say no fairer than that, can I?'"--_F. R. +Jelley, Upland Road, Sutton, Surrey._ + + +"Afraid of Yer Own Shells" + +I was on the Italian front in June 1918, and our battery was being +strafed by the Austrians with huge armour-piercing shells, which made +a noise like an express train coming at you, and exploded with a +deafening roar. + +An O.K. had just registered on one of our guns, blowing the wheels and +masses of rock sky-high. A party of about twenty Austrian prisoners, +in charge of a single Cockney, were passing our position at the time, +and the effect of the explosion on the prisoners was startling. They +scattered in all directions, vainly pursued by the Cockney, who +reminded me of a sheep-dog trying to get his flock together. + +At last he paused. "You windy lot o' blighters," he shouted as he +spat on the ground in evident disgust, "afraid of yer own bloomin' +shells!"--_S. Curtis, 20 Palace Road, Upper Norwood, S.E.19._ + + +The Leader of the Blind + +In July 1918, at a casualty clearing station occupying temporary +quarters in the old College of St. Vincent at ruined Senlis we dealt +with 7,000 wounded in eight days. One night when we were more busy than +usual an ambulance car brought up a load of gas-blinded men. + +A little man whose voice proclaimed the city of his birth--arm broken +and face blistered with mustard gas, though he alone of the party could +see--jumped out, looked around, and then whispered in my ear, "All +serene, guv'nor, leave 'em to me." + +He turned towards the car and shouted inside, "Dalston Junction, change +here for Hackney, Bow, and Poplar." + +Then gently helping each man to alight, he placed them in a line with +right hand on the shoulder of the man in front, took his position +forward and led them all in, calling softly as he advanced, "Slow +march, left, left, I had a good job and I _left_ it."--_Henry T. Lowde +(late 63rd C.C.S., R.A.M.C.), 101 Stanhope Gardens, Harringay, N.4._ + + +Pity the Poor Ducks + +We were in the Passchendaele sector in 1917, and all who were there +know there were no trenches--just shell-holes half-filled with water. + +Jerry had been strafing us for two days without a stop and of our +platoon of twenty-three men only seven came out alive. As we were +coming down the duckboard track after being relieved Jerry started to +put over a barrage. We had to dive for the best cover we could get. + +Three of us jumped into a large shell-hole, up to our necks in water. +As the shells dropped around us we kept ducking our heads under the +water. + +Bert Norton, one of us--a Cockney--said: "Strike, we're like the little +ducks in 'Yde Park--keep going under." + +After another shell had burst and we had just come up to breathe Bert +chimed in again with: "Blimey, mustn't it be awful to have to get your +living by ducking?"--_J. A. Wood, 185 Dalston Lane, E.8._ + + +Waiting Room Only + +It was in No Man's Land, and a party of New Zealand troops were making +for shelter in a disabled British tank to avoid the downpour of +shrapnel. They were about to swarm into the tank when the head of a +London Tommy popped out of an aperture, and he exclaimed, "Blimey. Hop +it! This is a waiting room, not a blinkin' bee-hive."--_A. E. Wragg, 1 +Downs Road, Beckenham, Kent._ + + +Not Yet Blase + +We arrived at the Cambrai front in 1917--just a small bunch of +Cockneys--and were attached to the Welsh Brigade of Artillery, being +told to report to B.H.Q. up the sunken road in front of Bapaume. + +En route our escort of Welshmen were telling us of the "terrible" +shelling up the line. It was no leg pulling, for we quickly found out +for ourselves that it was hot and furious. + +Down we all went for cover as best we could, except one Cockney who +stood as one spellbound watching the bursting of the shells. One of the +Welshmen yelled out, "Drop down, Cockie!" The Cockney turned round, to +the wonderment and amusement of the rest, with the retort, "Blimey! Get +away with yer, you're windy. I've only just come out!"--_Driver W. H. +Allen (attached 1st Glamorgan R.H.A.), 8 Maiden Crescent, Kentish Town, +N.W.1._ + + +Paid with a Mills + +During severe fighting in Delville Wood in August 1916 our regiment +(the East Surreys) was cut off for about three days and was reduced to +a mere handful of men, but still we kept up our joking and spirits. + +A young Cockney, who was an adept at rhyming slang, rolled over, dead +as I thought, for blood was streaming from his neck and head. But he +sat up again and, wiping his hand across his forehead, exclaimed: +"Strike me pink! One on the top of my loaf of bread (head), and one +in the bushel and peck (neck)." Then, slinging over a Mills bomb, he +shouted: "'Ere, Fritz, my thanks for a Blighty ticket."--_A. Dennis, 9 +Somers Road, Brixton Hill, S.W.2._ + + +The Guns' Obligato + +The day after the Canadians attacked Vimy Ridge my battalion of +the Royal Fusiliers advanced from Bully Grenay to a chateau on the +outskirts of Lieven under heavy shell fire. + +[Illustration: "Tipperary!"] + +At the back of the chateau a street led to the main road to the town. +There, despite the bombardment, we found a Cockney Tommy of the Buffs +playing "Tipperary" on a piano which had been blown out of a house into +the road. + +We joined in--until a shell took the top off the chateau, when we +scattered!--_L. A. Utton, 184 Coteford Street, Tooting, S.W._ + + +In the Garden of Eden + +We had reached the district in "Mespot" reputed to be the Garden of +Eden. One evening I was making my way with six men to relieve the guard +on some ammunition barges lying by the bank of the Tigris. + +We had approached to within about one hundred yards of these, when the +Turks started sending over some "long-rangers." The sixth shell scored +a direct hit on the centre barge, and within a few seconds the whole +lot went up in what seemed like the greatest explosion of all time. +Apart from being knocked over with the shock, we escaped injury, with +the exception of a Cockney in our company. + +Most of his clothing, except his boots, had been stripped from his +body, and his back was bleeding. Slowly he struggled to his hands and +knees, and surveying his nakedness, said: "Now where's that blinkin' +fig tree?"--_F. Dennis, 19 Crewdson Road, Brixton, S.W._ + + +Santa Claus in a Hurry + +A forward observation officer of the Artillery was on duty keeping +watch on Watling Crater, Vimy Ridge, towards the end of 1916. + +The observation post was the remains of a house, very much battered. +The officer had to crawl up what had once been a large fireplace, where +he had the protection of the only piece of wall that remained standing. + +He was engrossed on his task when the arrival of a "Minnie" shook the +foundations of the place, and down he came in a shower of bricks and +mortar with his shrapnel helmet not at the regimental angle. + +A couple of Cockney Tommies had also made a dive for the shelter of +this pile of bricks and were crouching down, when the officer crawled +from the fireplace. "Quick, Joe," said one of the Cockneys, "'ang +up yer socks--'ere comes ole Santa Claus!"--_A. J. Robinson (late +Sergeant, R.F.A.), 21 Clowders Road, Catford, S.E.6._ + + +What Paderewski was Missing + +It was on the night of October 27, 1917, at Passchendaele Ridge. Both +sides were "letting it go hell for leather," and we were feeling none +too comfortable crouching in shell-holes and taking what cover we could. + +The ground fairly shook--and so did we for that matter--with the heavy +explosions and the din was ear-splitting. + +Just for something to say I called out to the chap in the next +shell-hole--a Brentford lad he was: "What d'you think of it, Alf?" + +"Not much," he said, "I was just finkin' if Paderewski could get only +this on 'is ol' jo-anner."--_M. Hooker, 325A Md. Qrs., Henlow Camp, +Bedford._ + + +A Target, but No Offers + +During the battle of the Somme, in September 1916, our Lewis gun post +was in a little loop trench jutting out from the front line at a place +called, I believe, Lone Tree, just before Combles. Jerry's front line +was not many yards away, and it was a very warm spot. + +Several casualties had occurred during the morning through sniping, +and one enterprising chap had scored a bull's-eye on the top of our +periscope. + +Things quietened down a bit in the afternoon, and about 4 p.m. our +captain, who already had the M.C., came along and said to our corporal, +"I believe the Germans have gone." + +A Cockney member of our team, overhearing this, said, "Well, it won't +take long to find out," and jumping upon the fire-step exposed himself +from the waist upwards above the parapet. + +After a minute's breathless silence he turned to the captain and said, +with a jerk of his thumb, "They've hopped it, sir." + +That night we and our French friends entered Combles.--_M. Chittenden +(late "C" Coy., 1/16th London Regt., Q.W.R.), 26 King Edward Road, +Waltham Cross, Herts._ + + +Their own Lord Mayor's Show + +In April 1918 our unit was billeted near Amiens in a small village from +which the inhabitants had been evacuated two days earlier, owing to the +German advance. + +On the second day of our stay there Jerry was shelling the steeple of +the village church, and we had taken cover in the cellars under the +village school. All at once we heard roars of laughter coming from the +street, and wondering what on earth anyone could find to laugh at, we +tumbled up to have a look. + +The sight that met our eyes was this: Gravely walking down the middle +of the street were two of the "Hackney Ghurkas," the foremost of whom +was dressed in a frock coat and top hat, evidently the property of the +village _maire_, and leading a decorated mule upon the head of which +was tied the most gaudy "creation" which ever adorned a woman's head. + +The second Cockney was clad in the full garb of a twenty-stone French +peasant woman, hat and all, and was dragging at the end of a chain a +stuffed fox, minus its glass case, but still fastened to its baseboard. + +They solemnly paraded the whole length of the street and back again, +and were heard to remark that the village was having at least one Lord +Mayor's Show before Jerry captured it! + +And this happened at the darkest time of the war, when our backs were +to the wall.--_A. C. P. (late 58th London Division), Fulham, S.W.6._ + + +Pill-Box Crown and Anchor + +In the fighting around Westhoek in August 1917 the 56th Division were +engaged in a series of attacks on the Nonne Boschen Wood, and owing to +the boggy nature of the ground the position was rather obscure. + +A platoon of one of the London battalions was holding a pill-box +which had been taken from the Germans during the day. In the night a +counter-attack was made in the immediate vicinity of the pill-box, +which left some doubt as to whether it had again fallen to the enemy. + +A patrol was sent out to investigate. After cautiously approaching the +position and being challenged in a Cockney tongue, they entered the +pill-box, and were astonished to see the occupants playing crown and +anchor. + +The isolated and dangerous position was explained to the sergeant in +charge, but he nonchalantly replied, "Yes, I know all abaht that; but, +yer see, wot's the use of frightenin' the boys any more? There's been +enough row rahnd 'ere all night as it is."--_N. Butcher (late 3rd +Londons), 43 Tankerville Drive, Leigh-on-Sea._ + + +"C.O.'s Paid 'is Phone Bill" + +On the Somme, during the big push of 1916, we had a section of +Signallers attached to our regiment to keep the communications during +the advance. Of the two attached to our company, one was a Cockney. +He had kept in touch with the "powers that be" without a hitch until +his wire was cut by a shell. He followed his wire back and made the +necessary repair. Three times he made the same journey for the same +reason. His mate was killed by a shrapnel shell and he himself had his +left arm shattered: but to him only one thing mattered, and that was to +"keep in touch." So he stuck to his job. + +The wire was broken a fourth time, and as he was about to follow it +back, a runner came up from the C.O. wanting to know why the signaller +was not in communication. He started back along his wire and as he went +he said, "Tell 'im to pay 'is last account, an' maybe the telephone +will be re-connected." + +A permanent line was fixed before he allowed the stretcher-bearers +to take him away. My chum had taken his post at the end of the wire, +and as the signaller was being carried away he called out feebly, +"You're in touch with H.Q. C.O.'s paid 'is bill, an' we'll win the war +yet."--_L. N. Loder, M.C. (late Indian Army), Streatham._ + + +The "Garden Party Crasher" + +In April 1917 two companies of our battalion were ordered to make a big +raid opposite the sugar refineries at 14 Bis, near Loos. Two lines of +enemy trenches had to be taken and the raiding party, when finished, +were to go back to billets at Mazingarbe while the Durhams took over +our trenches. + +My batman Beedles had instructions to go back to billets with all my +kit, and wait there for my return. I was in charge of the right half of +the first wave of the raid, and after a bit of a scrap we got into the +German front line. + +Having completed our job of blowing up concrete emplacements and +dug-outs, we were waiting for the signal to return to our lines when, +to my surprise, Beedles came strolling through the German wire. When he +saw me he called out above the row going on: "I 'opes yer don't mind me +'aving come to the garden party wivout an invertition, sir?" + +The intrepid fellow had taken all my kit back to billets some four +miles, made the return journey, and come across No Man's Land to find +me, and see me safely back; an act which might easily have cost him +his life.--_L. W. Lees (Lieut.), late 11th Batt. Essex Regt., "Meadow +Croft," Stoke Poges, Bucks._ + + +Those Big Wasps + +Salonika, 1918, a perfect summer's day. The 2/17th London Regiment are +marching along a dusty road up to the Doiran Lake. Suddenly, out of the +blue, three bombing planes appear. The order is given to scatter. + +Meanwhile, up comes an anti-aircraft gun, complete with crew on lorry. +Soon shells are speeding up, and little small puffs of white smoke +appear as they burst; but the planes are too high for them. A Cockney +of the regiment puts his hands to his mouth and shouts to the crew: +"Hi, don't hunch 'em; let 'em settle."--_A. G. Sullings (late 2/17th +London Regiment), 130 Cann Hall Road, Leytonstone, E.11._ + + +Why he Looked for Help + +On July 1, 1916, the 56th (London) Division attacked at Hebuterne, +and during the morning I was engaged (as a lineman) in repairing our +telephone lines between Battalion and Brigade H.Q. I had just been +temporarily knocked out by a flat piece of shell and had been attended +by a stretcher-bearer, who then left me and proceeded on his way back +to a dressing station I had previously passed, whilst I went farther on +down the trench to get on with my job. + +I had not gone many yards when I met a very young private of the 12th +Londons (the Rangers). One of his arms was hanging limp and was, I +should think, broken in two or three places. He was cut and bleeding +about the face, and was altogether in a sorry plight. + +He stopped and asked me, "Is there a dressing station down there, +mate?" pointing along the way I had come, and I replied, "Yes, keep +straight on down the trench. It's a good way down. But," I added, +"there's a stretcher-bearer only just gone along. Shall I see if I can +get him for you?" + +His reply I shall never forget: "Oh, I don't want him for _me_. I want +someone to come back with me to get my mate. _He's hurt!_"--_Wm. R. +Smith, 231 Halley Road, Manor Park, E.12._ + + +The Winkle Shell + +Above the entrance to a certain dug-out somewhere in Flanders some wit +had fixed a board upon which was roughly painted, "The Winkle Shell." + +The ebb and tide of battle left the dug-out in German hands, but one +day during an advance the British infantry recaptured the trench in +which "The Winkle Shell" was situated. + +Along the trench came a Cockney with his rifle ready and his bayonet +fixed. Hearing voices coming from the dug-out he halted, looked +reflectively at the notice-board, and then cautiously poking his +bayonet into the dug-out called out, "Nah, then, come on aht of it +afore I gits me blinkin' 'pin' busy."--_Sidney A. Wood (late C/275 +Battery, R.F.A.), 32 Lucas Avenue, Upton Park, E.13._ + + +Forgot his Dancing Pumps + +We were in a trench in front of Carnoy on the Somme when the Germans +made a raid on us. It was all over in a few minutes, and we were minus +eight men--taken away by the raiders. + +Shortly afterwards I was standing in a bay feeling rather shaky when +a face suddenly appeared over the top. I challenged, and was answered +with these words: + +"It's orl right. It's me. They was a-takin' us to a dance over there, +but I abaht-turned 'arfway acrorst an' crawled back fer me pumps."--_E. +Smith (late Middlesex Regt.), 2 Barrack Road, Aldershot._ + + +Lift Out of Order + +One day in 1916 I was sitting with some pals in a German dug-out +in High Wood. Like others of its kind, it had a steep, deep shaft. +Suddenly a shell burst right in the mouth of the shaft above, and the +next instant "Nobby," a Cockney stretcher-bearer, landed plump on his +back in our midst. He was livid and bleeding, but his first words were: +"Strike! I thought the lift were outer order!"--_J. E., Vauxhall, +S.W.8._ + + +Lost: A Fly Whisk + +During the very hot summer of 1916 in Egypt it was necessary, while +eating, to keep on flicking one hand to keep the flies away from one's +mouth. + +One day a heavy shell came over and knocked down my Cockney chum, Tubby +White. He got up, holding his wrist, and started looking round. + +I said: "What have you lost, Tubby?" + +"Blimey," he said, "can't you see I've lost me blooming fly whisk?" It +was then I noticed he had lost his hand.--_J. T. Marshall (Middlesex +Regiment), 17 Evandale Road, Brixton, S.W.9._ + + +Change at Wapping + +When Regina Trench was taken in 1916 it was in a terrible state, being +half full of thick liquid mud. Some of the fellows, sooner than wade +through this, were getting up and walking along the top, although in +view of the Germans. + +The Cockney signaller who was with me at the time, after slithering +along the trench for a time, said: "I've 'ad enough er this," and +scrambled out of the trench. + +He had no sooner got on top when--_zipp_--and down he came with a +bullet through his thigh. + +While bandaging his wound I said: "We're going to have a job to get you +out of here, but we'll have a good try." + +"That's all right," said the Cockney, "you carry on an' leave me. I'll +wait for a blinkin' barge and change at Wapping."--_H. Redford (late +R.F.A.), 49 Anselm Road, Fulham._ + + +"The Canary's Flowed Away!" + +I was in charge of a party carrying material from the dump to the +Engineers in the front line. One of the party, a man from Camberwell, +was allotted a bulky roll of barbed wire. + +After a desperate struggle through the muddy and narrow support +trenches, we reached the front line. There was still another 400 yards +to go, and our Cockney decided to continue the journey along the +parapet. + +He had not gone far before the German machine guns began to spit and he +fell in a heap into the bottom of the trench with the coil of barbed +wire on top of him. + +Thinking he was wounded, I went back to him and inquired if he was hit. + +"'It? 'It be blowed," he said, "but if somebody was to take this +blinkin' birdcage orf me chest I might be able to get up." + +The journey was completed through the trench, our friend being a sorry +sight of mud and cut fingers and face. + +On arriving at our destination he dropped the wire at the feet of +the waiting corporal with the remark, "'Ere you are, mate; sorry the +canary's flowed away."--_A. S. G. (47th Division), Kent._ + + +"Go it, Applegarf! I'll time yer!" + +Our battalion was making a counter-attack at Albert on March 29, 1918, +against a veritable hail of lead. Wounded in the thigh, I tumbled into +a huge shell hole, already occupied by two officers of the Fusiliers +(Fusiliers had been on our left), a lance-corporal of my own battalion, +and three other men (badly wounded). + +Whilst I was being dressed by the lance-corporal another man jumped in. +He had a bullet in the chest. It didn't need an M.O. to see that he was +"all in," and he knew it. + +He proved to be the most heroic Cockney I have ever seen. He had only +minutes to live, and he told us not to waste valuable bandages on him. + +Thereupon one of the officers advised me to try to crawl back before my +leg got stiff, as I would stand a poor chance of a stretcher later with +so many badly-wounded men about. If I got back safe I was to direct +stretcher-bearers to the shell hole. + +I told the officer that our battalion stretcher-bearers were behind +a ridge only about 100 yards in the rear, and as my wound had not +troubled me yet I would make a sprint for it, as the firing was still +too heavy to be healthy. + +On hearing my remarks this heroic Cockney, who must also have been a +thorough sportsman, grinned up at me and, with death written on his +face, panted: "Go it, Applegarf, an' I'll time yer." [Applegarth was +the professional sprint champion of the world.] The Cockney was dead +when I left the shell hole.--_F. W. Brown (late 7th Suffolks), 247 +Balls Pond Road, Dalston, N._ + + +That Other Sort of Rain + +We were out doing a spot of wiring near Ypres, and the Germans +evidently got to know about it. A few "stars" went up, and then the +_rat-tat-tat_ of machine guns told us more than we wanted to know. + +We dived for shell holes. Anybody who knows the place will realise +we did not have far to dive. I found myself beside a man who, in the +middle of a somewhat unhealthy period, found time to soliloquise: + +"Knocked a bit right aht me tin 'at. Thought I'd copped it that time. +Look, I can get me little finger through the 'ole. Blimey, 'ope it +don't rain, I shall git me 'ead all wet."--_H. C. Augustus, 67 Paragon +Road, E.9._ + +[Illustration: "'Ope it don't rain; I'd get me 'ead wet."] + + +Better Job for Him + +I was at Vimy Ridge in 1916. On the night I am writing about we were +taking a well-earned few minutes' rest during a temporary lull. We were +under one of the roughly-built shelters erected against the Ridge, and +our only light was the quivering glimmer from a couple of candles. A +shell screeched overhead and "busted" rather near to us--and out went +the candles. + +"Smith, light up those candles," cried the sergeant-major to his +batman. "Smithy," who stuttered, was rather shaken and took some time +to strike a match and hold it steadily to the candles. But no sooner +were the candles alight than another "whopper" put them out again. + +"Light up those ruddy candles!" cried the S.M. again, "and don't dawdle +about it!" + +"Smithy," muttering terrible things to himself, was fumbling for the +matches when the order came that a bombing party was required to clear +"Jerry" out of a deep shell-hole. + +"'Ere!" said "Smithy" in his rich Cockney voice. "J-just m-my m-mark. +I'd r-rather f-frow 'eggs' t-than light c-c-candles!"--_W. C. Roberts, +5 Crampton Street, S.E.17._ + + +Sentry's Sudden Relief + +I was the next turn on guard at a battery position in Armentieres one +evening in the summer of 1917. A Cockney chum, whom I was going to +relieve, was patrolling the position when suddenly over came a 5.9, +which blew him about four yards away. + +As he scrambled to his feet our sergeant of the guard came along, +and my chum's first words were, "Sorry, sergeant, for deserting me +post."--_T. F. Smithers (late R.F.A.), 14 Hilda Road, Brixton, S.W.9._ + + +The World Kept Turnin' + +The Poperinghe-Ypres road. A large shell had just pitched. Among the +wounded was a Cockney who was noted for his rendering on every possible +occasion of that well-known song, "Let the Great Big World Keep +Turning." + +He was lying on the roadway severely hurt. Another Cockney went up to +him and said "'Ello, matey, 'urt? Why ain't yer singin' 'Let the Great +Big World Keep Turnin',' eh?" + +The reply came: "I _was_ a singin' on it, Bill, but I never thought it +would fly up and 'it me."--_Albert M. Morsley (late 85th Siege Battery +Am. Col.), 198 Kempton Road, East Ham, E.6._ + + +That Blinkin' "Money-box" + +I was limping back with a wounded knee after the taking of +Monchy-le-Preux on April 11, 1917, when a perky little Cockney of +the 13th Royal Fusiliers who had a bandaged head caught me up with a +cheery, "Tike me Chalk Farm (arm), old dear, and we'll soon be 'ome." + +I was glad to accept his kindly offer, but our journey, to say the +least, was a hazardous one, for the German guns, firing with open +sights from the ridge in front of the Bois du Sart, were putting +diagonal barrages across the road (down which, incidentally, the +Dragoon Guards were coming magnificently out of action, with saddles +emptying here and there as they swept through that deadly zone on that +bleak afternoon). + +Presently we took refuge in a sandbag shelter on the side of the road, +and were just congratulating ourselves on the snugness of our retreat, +when a tank stopped outside. Its arrival brought fresh gun-fire on us, +and before long a whizz-bang made a direct hit on our shelter. + +When we recovered from the shock, we found part of our roof missing, +and my little pal, poking his bandaged head through the hole, thus +addressed one of the crew of the tank who was just visible through a +gun slit: + +"Oi, why don't yer tike yer money-box 'ome? This ain't a pull-up fer +carmen!" + +The spirit that little Cockney imbued into me that day indirectly +saved me the loss of a limb, for without him I do not think I would +have reached the advance dressing station in time.--_D. Stuart (late +Sergeant, 10th R.F., 37th Division) 103 St. Asaph Road, Brockley, +S.E.4._ + + +"Oo, You Naughty Boy!" + +In front of Kut Al-'Amarah, April 1916, the third and last attack +on the Sannaiyat position, on the day before General Townshend +capitulated. Days of rain had rendered the ground a quagmire, and lack +of rations, ammunition, and shelter had disheartened the relief force. + +The infantry advanced without adequate artillery support, and were +swept by heavy machine-gun fire from the entrenched Turks. One fellow +tripped over a strand of loose barbed wire, fell down, and in rising +ripped the seat nearly off his shorts. Cursing, he rejoined the slowly +moving line of advancing men. + +Suddenly one sensed one of those fateful moments when men in the mass +are near to breaking point. Stealthy looks to right and left were +given, and fear was in the men's hearts. The relentless tat-tat-tat of +machine guns, the "singing" of the driven bullets, and the dropping of +men seemed as if it never would end. + +A Cockney voice broke the fear-spell and restored manhood to men. "Oo, +'Erbert, you naughty boy!" it said. "Look at what you've done to yer +nice trahsers! 'Quarter' won't 'arf be cross. He said we wasn't to play +rough games and tear our trahsers."--_L. W. Whiting (late 7th Meerut +Division), 21 Dale Park Avenue, Carshalton, Surrey._ + + +Cool as a Cucumber + +Early in 1917 at Ypres I was in charge of part of the advance party +taking over some trenches from another London battalion. After this +task had been completed I was told of a funny incident of the previous +night. + +It appeared that the battalion we were due to relieve had been +surprised by a small party of the enemy seeking "information." During +the melee in the trench a German "under-officer" had calmly walked over +and picked up a Lewis gun which had been placed on a tripod on top +of the trench some little distance from its usual emplacement. (This +was done frequently when firing at night was necessary so as to avoid +betraying the regular gun position.) + +A boyish-looking sentry of the battalion on the left jumped out of the +trench and went after the Jerry who was on his way "home" with the +gun in his arms. Placing his bayonet in dangerous proximity to the +"under-officer's" back, the young Cockney exclaimed, "Hi! Where the +'ell are yer goin' wiv that gun? Just you put the 'coocumber' back on +the 'barrer' and shove yer blinkin' 'ands up!" + +The "under-officer" lost his prize and his liberty, and I understand +the young sentry received the M.M.--_R. McMuldroch (late 15th London +Regt., Civil Service Rifles), 13 Meadway, Bush Hill Park, Enfield._ + + +The Sergeant's Tears + +One afternoon on the Somme our battery received a severe strafe from +5.9's and tear-gas shells. There was no particular "stunt" on, so we +took cover in a trench behind the guns. + +When the strafe had finished, we found our gun resting on one wheel, +with sights and shield smashed by a direct hit. There was tear gas +hanging about, too, and we all felt anything but cheerful. + +Myself and detachment were solemnly standing around looking at the +smashed gun, and as I was wiping tears from my eyes, Smithy, our bright +Walworth lad, said: "Don't cry, Sarg'nt, they're bahnd ter give us +anuvver."--_E. Rutson (late Sergeant, R.F.A., 47th London Division), +43a Wardo Avenue, S.W.6._ + + +"But yer carn't 'elp Laughin'" + +There were a bunch of us Cockneys in our platoon, and we had just +taken over some supports. It being a quiet sector, we were mooning and +scrounging around, some on the parapet, some in the trenches, and some +at the rear. + +All at once a shower of whizz-bangs and gas shells came over; our +platoon "sub." started yelling "Gas." We dived for the dug-outs. + +Eight of us tried to scramble through a narrow opening at once, and we +landed in a wriggling mass on the floor. Some were kneeling and some +were sitting, all with serious faces, until one fellow said: "Phew, +it's 'ell of a war, but yer carn't 'elp laughin', can yer?"--_B. J. +Berry (late 9th Norfolk Regt.), 11 Rosemont Avenue, N. Finchley, N.12._ + + +"Only an Orphan" + +He came to the battalion about three weeks before going overseas, and +fell straight into trouble. But his Cockney wit got him out of trouble +as well as into it. + +He never received a parcel or letter, but still was always the life of +our company. He never seemed to have a care. + +We had been in France about a fortnight when we were ordered to the +front line and over the top. He was one of the first over, shouting +"Where's the blighters." They brought him in riddled with bullets. + +When I asked if I could do anything for him, he said: "Are there many +hurt?" "Not many," I replied. "Thank Heaven for that," he replied. +"Nobody 'll worry over me. I'm only a blinkin' orphan."--_W. Blundell +(late N.C.O., 2nd East Surreys), Cranworth Gardens, S.W.9._ + + +Joking at the Last + +It was after the attack by the 2nd Londons on the village of Aubigny au +Bac. I was hit by shell splinters, and whilst I was looking for someone +to dress my wounds I came across one of the lads lying by the roadside +mortally wounded. + +As I bent over him to give him a drink he noticed my blood-streaked +face and gasped: "Crikey! Your barber was blinkin' clumsy this +morning." So passed a gallant 2nd London man.--_E. C. Easts (M.M.), +Eliot Place, Blackheath, S.E.3._ + + +Everybody's War + +During the general advance on the Somme in August 1918 our platoon +became isolated from the rest of the company. + +We had been under heavy shell-fire for about three hours, and when at +last things seemed to have quietened down, a German plane came over. We +immediately jumped for cover and were concealed from view. + +The plane had only circled round a couple of times when a Cockney +private, unable to resist the temptation any longer, jumped up and had +a pot at it. + +He had fired three rounds when the N.C.O. pulled him down and called +him a fool for giving away our position. + +The Cockney turned round and replied, "Blimey, ain't I in this blinkin' +war as well as 'im?"--_E. Purcell (late 9th Royal Fusiliers), 4 +Lyndhurst Grove, Peckham, S.E.15._ + + +Orders is Orders + +When I was with the 6th Dorsets at Hooge, a party of us under a Cockney +lance-jack were sent down the Menin Road to draw rations. It seemed as +though the Germans knew we were waiting at the corner, for they were +dropping shells all around us. + +After a while a voice in the darkness cried: "Don't stay there, you +chaps; that's Hell Fire Corner!" + +"Can't 'elp it, guv'nor," replied our lance-jack. "'Ell Fire Corner or +'Eaven's Delight, we gotta stop 'ere till our rations comes up."--_H. +W. Butler (late 6th Dorsets), 2 Flint Cottages, Stone, Kent._ + + +Leaving the Picture + +As we were going "over" at Passchendaele a big one dropped just behind +our company runner and myself. Our runner gave a shout and stumbling on +a little way, with his hand on his side, said: "Every picture tells a +story"--and went down. + +I just stopped to look at him, and I am sorry to say his war had +finished. He came from Bow.--_G. Hayward (late Rifle Brigade), Montague +Street, W.C.1._ + + +Ginger's Gun Stopped + +I was in a Lewis gun section, and our sergeant got on our nerves while +we were learning the gun by always drumming in our ears about the +different stoppages of the gun when in action. My mate, Ginger Bryant, +who lived at Stepney, could never remember the stops, and our sergeant +was always rousing poor old Ginger. + +Well, we found ourselves one day in the front line and Jerry had +started an attack. Ginger was No. 1 on the gun and I was lying beside +him as No. 2. We were giving Jerry beans with our gun when a bomb hit +it direct and blew Ginger and myself yards away. + +Ginger had his hand blown off, but crawled back to the gun, which was +smashed to pieces. He gave one look at it and shouted to me: "Nah go +and ask that blinkin' sergeant what number stoppage he calls this one!" +Next thing he fainted.--_Edward Newson (late 1st West Surrey), 61 +Moneyer Street, Hoxton, N.1._ + + +A Careless Fellow + +An officer with our lot was a regular dare-devil. He always boasted +that the German bullet had not yet been made which could find him. + +One day, regardless of his own safety, he was on the parapet, and +though many shots came over he seemed to bear a charmed life. + +One of the men happened to put his head just out of the trench when a +bullet immediately struck his "tin hat" sending him backwards into the +trench. + +The officer, from the parapet, looked down and said, "You _are_ a +fool, I told you not to show yourself."--_A. Smith (Cameronians), 40 +Whitechapel Road, E.1._ + + +Standing Up to the Turk + +In the second attempt to capture Gaza we were making our advance in +face of heavy machine-gun fire. In covering the ground we crouched +as much as possible, the Turks directed their fire accordingly, and +casualties were numerous, so our Cockney humorist shouted: "Stand up, +boys. It's best to be hit in yer props (legs) than in yer blinkin' +office (head)."--_W. Reed (late 7th Battn., Essex Regiment), 3 +Shenfield Road, Woodford Green, Essex._ + + +Lodging with the Bombs + +I was driving a lorry along the road from Dickebusch to Ypres when the +Germans started shelling with shrapnel and high explosive. + +By the side of the road was a cottage, partly ruined, with the +window-space boarded up: and, with some idea of seeking protection from +the flying fragments, I leaned up against one of the walls. + +I hadn't been there long when a face appeared at a gap in the boards, +and a voice said: "Do yer fink y're safe there, mate, cos we're chock +full o' bombs in 'ere."--_Edward Tracey, c/o Cowley Cottage, Cowley, +Middlesex._ + + +In Fine Feather + +While on the Somme in 1916 my battery was sent to rest in a village +behind the line. The billet allotted to us had been an hotel, and all +the furniture, including bedsteads and feather mattresses, had been +stored in the room which did duty as an orderly room. + +Returning one day from exercise, we saw a flight of enemy 'planes +coming over, and as we approached the billet a bomb was dropped +straight through the roof of our building, the sole occupant of which +at the time was a Cockney signaller on duty, in touch with Brigade +Headquarters. + +[Illustration: "They must 'ave 'it a blinkin' sparrer."] + +We hurried forward, expecting to find that our signaller had been +killed. The orderly room was a scene of indescribable chaos. Papers +were everywhere. Files and returns were mixed up with "iron rations," +while in a corner of the room was a pile of feathers about 4 feet +deep--all that remained of the feather mattresses. Of our signaller +there was no sign. + +As we looked around, however, his head appeared from beneath the +feather pile. His face was streaming with blood, and he looked more +dead than alive, but as he surveyed his temporary resting-place, a grin +spread over his features, and he picked up a handful of feathers. + +"Blimey!" he observed, "they must 'ave 'it a blinkin' +sparrer."--_"Gunner," Oxford Street, W.1._ + + +All the Fun of the Fair + +At Neuve Eglise, March 1918, we were suddenly attacked by Jerry, but +drove him back. Every now and again we spotted Germans dodging across a +gap in a hedge. At once a competition started as to who could catch a +German with a bullet as he ran across the gap. + +"Reminds me of shooting at the bottles and fings at the fair," said my +pal, another Cockney Highlander. + +A second later a piece of shrapnel caught him in the hand. "Blimey, I +always said broken glass was dangerous," he remarked as he gazed sadly +at the wound.--_F. Adams (late H.L.I.), 64 Homestead Road, Becontree, +Essex._ + + +Teacup in a Storm + +We were in support trenches near Havrincourt Wood in September 1917. At +mid-day it was exceptionally quiet there as a rule. + +Titch, our little Cockney cook, proceeded one day to make us some tea +by the aid of four candles in a funk-hole. To aid this fire he added +the usual bit of oily "waste," and thereby caused a thin trail of smoke +to rise. The water was just on the boil when Jerry spotted our smoke +and let fly in its direction everything he had handy. + +Our trench was battered flat.... We threw ourselves into a couple of +old communication trenches. Looking around presently for our cook +we found him sitting beneath a waterproof sheet calmly enjoying his +sergeant-major's tea. "Ain't none of you blokes firsty?" was his +greeting.--_R. J. Richards (late 61st Trench Mortar Battery, 20th +London Division), 15 London Street, W.2._ + + +Jack's Unwelcome Present + +Our company were holding the line, or what _was_ a line of trenches a +short time before, when Jerry opened out with all kinds of loudspeakers +and musical instruments that go to make war real. + +We were knocked about and nearly blinded with smoke and flying +sandbags. The best we could do was to grope our way about with arms +outstretched to feel just where we were. + +Eventually someone clutched me, saying, "Is that you, Charlie--are you +all right?" + +"Yes, Jack," I answer, "are you all right?" + +"Well, I don't know fer sure," he says as he dives his hand through +his tunic to his chest and holds on to me with the other. I had a soft +place in my heart for Jack, for nobody ever sent him a parcel, so what +was mine was Jack's. But not the piece of shrapnel that came out when +he withdrew his hand from inside his tunic! + +"The only thing that ever I had sent me--and that from Jerry!" says +Jack. "We was always taught to love our enemies!" + +They sure loved us, for shortly after I received my little gift of +love, which put me to by-by for several months. But that Cockney lad +from East London never grumbled at his hard lot. He looked at me, +his corporal, and no wonder he clung round my neck, for he has told +me since the war that he was only sixteen then. A brave lad!--_D. C. +Maskell (late 20th Battn. Middlesex Regt.), 25 Lindley Road, Leyton, +E.10_. + + +Goalie Lets One Through + +In September 1916 we landed in a portion of German trench and I was +given orders to hang on. Shells were bursting all around us, so we +decided to have a smoke. + +My two Cockney pals--Nobby and Harry, who were a goalie and +centre-forward respectively--were noted for their zeal in keeping us +alive. + +Nobby was eager to see what was going on over the top, so he had a +peep--and for his pains got shot through the ear. He fell back in a +heap and exclaimed, "Well saved, goalie! Couldn't been better if I'd +tried." + +"Garn," said Harry, bending over him, "it's blinkin' well gorn right +frew, mate."--_Patrick Beckwith, 5 Duke Road, Chiswick, W.4._ + + +A Good Samaritan Foiled + +I was rather badly wounded near Bullecourt, on the Arras front, and was +lying on a stretcher outside the dressing station. + +Nearby stood a burly Cockney with one arm heavily bandaged. In the +other hand he held his ration of hot coffee. + +Noticing my distress, he offered me his drink, saying, "'Ere y'are, +mate, 'ave a swig at this." One of the stretcher-bearers cried: "Take +that away! He mustn't have it!" + +The Cockney slunk off. + +"All right, ugly," he said. "Take the food aht of a poor bloke's mouf, +would yer?" + +Afterwards I learned the stretcher-bearer, by his action, had saved my +life. Still, I shan't forget my Cockney friend's generosity.--_A. P. S. +(late 5th London Regiment), Ilford._ + + +Proof of Marksmanship + +Poperinghe: a pitch-black night. We were resting when a party of the +West Indian Labour Company came marching past. Jerry sent one over. +Luckily, only one of the party was hit. + +A voice from the darkness: "Alf! keep low, mate. Jerry 'as got his eye +in--'e's 'it a nigger in the dark!"--_C. Jakeman (late 4/4th City of +London Royal Fusiliers), 5 Hembridge Place, St. John's Wood, N.W.8._ + + +"Well, He Ain't Done In, See!" + +During the great German offensive in March 1918 our company was trying +to hold the enemy at Albert. My platoon was in an old trench in front +of Albert station, and was in rather a tight corner, the casualties +being pretty heavy. A runner managed to get through to us with a +message. He asked our sergeant to send a man to another platoon with +the message. + +One of my pals, named Gordon, shouted, "Give it to me; I'll go." + +He crept out of the trench and up a steep incline and over the other +side, and was apparently being peppered by machine-gun fire all the +way. We had little hope of him ever getting there. About a couple of +hours later another Cockney cried: "Blimey! He's coming back!" + +We could see him now, crawling towards us. He got within a dozen yards +of our trench, and then a Jerry "coal-box" arrived. It knocked us into +the mud at the bottom of our trench and seemed to blow Gordon, together +with a ton or so of earth, twenty feet in the air, and he came down in +the trench. + +"That's done the poor blighter in," said the other Cockney as we rushed +to him. To our surprise Gordon spoke: + +"Well, he ain't done in--see!" + +He had got the message to the other platoon, and was little the worse +for his experience of being blown skyward. I think that brave fellow's +deed was one of many that had to go unrewarded.--_H. Nachbaur (late 7th +Suffolks), 4 Burnham Road, St. Albans, Herts._ + + +"Baby's Fell Aht er Bed!" + +The day before our division (38th Welch) captured Mametz Wood on the +Somme, in July 1916, our platoon occupied a recently captured German +trench. We were examining in a very deep dug-out some of Jerry's +black bread when a heavy shell landed almost at the entrance with a +tremendous crash. Earth, filled sandbags, etc., came thundering down +the steps, and my thoughts were of being buried alive about forty feet +underground. But amid all the din, Sam (from Walworth) amused us with +his cry: "Muvver! Baby's fell aht er bed!"--_P. Carter (late 1st London +Welch), 6 Amhurst Terrace, Hackney, E.8._ + + +Stamp Edging Wanted + +During severe fighting in Cambrai in 1917 we were taking up position +in the front line when suddenly over came a "present" from Jerry, +scattering our men in all directions and causing a few casualties. + +Among the unfortunate ones was a Cockney whose right hand was +completely blown off. + +In a sitting position he calmly turned to the private next to him and +exclaimed "Blimey, they've blown me blinkin' German band (hand) off. +Got a bit of stamp edging, mate?"--_T. Evans, 24 Russell Road, Wood End +Green, Northolt, Greenford._ + + +"Oo's 'It--You or Me?" + +It was our fifth day in the front line in a sector of the Arras front. +In the afternoon, after a terrible barrage, Jerry came over the top on +our left, leaving our immediate front severely alone. + +Our platoon Lewis gun was manned at that time by "Cooty," a Cockney, he +being "Number One" on the gun. We were blazing away at the advancing +tide when a shell exploded close to the gun. + +"Cooty" was seen to go rigid for a moment, and then he quickly rolled +to one side to make way for "Number Two" to take his place. He took +"Number Two's" position beside the gun. + +The new "Number One" saw that "Cooty" had lost three fingers, and told +him to retire. "Cooty" would not have that, but calmly began to refill +an empty magazine. "Number One" again requested him to leave, and a +sharp tiff occurred between them. + +"Cooty" was heard to say, "Look 'ere, oo's _'it_--you or me?" "You +are," said "Number One." + +"Then mind your own blinkin' business," said "Cooty," "and get on with +shelling these peas." + +Poor "Cooty," who had lost his left foot as well, passed out shortly +after, was a Guardsman at one time.--_D. S. T., Kilburn, N.W._ + + +The Stocking Bomb + +We were a desert mobile column, half-way across the Sinai Peninsula +from Kantara to Gaza. Turkish aeroplanes paid us a daily visit and +pelted us with home-made "stocking-bombs" (old socks filled with nails, +old iron, and explosives). + +On this particular day we were being bombed and a direct hit on one +gunner's shoulder knocked him to the ground, but failed to explode. + +Sitting up in pain he blinked at the stocking-bomb and then at the +plane and shouted: "Nah chuck us yer blinkin' boots dahn!" He then +fainted and we helped him, but could not resist a broad smile.--_A. +Crose, 77 Caistor Park Road, West Ham, E.15._ + + +Not an Acrobat + +In a communication trench on the Somme, near Guillemont, in August +1916, we were halted for a "blow" on our way up when Jerry opened with +shrapnel. + +Private Reynolds, from Marylebone, had his right hand cut off at the +wrist. We bound his arm as best we could, and whilst doing so one man +said to him, "A sure Blighty one, mate--and don't forget when you get +home, drop us a line to let's know how you are getting on in hospital." + +"Yus! I'll write all right," said Reynolds, and then, suddenly, "'Ere, +wot d'yer fink I am, a blinkin' acrobat? 'Ow can I write wivout a right +arm ter write wiv?"--_A. Sharman (late 12th Royal Fusiliers), 177 +Grenville Road, N.W.2._ + + +Story Without an Ending + +Our gun position lay just behind the Ancre, and Fritz generally strafed +us for an hour or two each day, starting about the same time. When the +first shell came over we used to take cover in a disused trench. + +One day, when the strafe began, I grabbed two story magazines just +before we went to the trench, and, arrived there, handed one to my +Cockney pal. + +We had both been reading for some time when a shell burst uncomfortably +near, and a splinter hit my pal's book and shot it right out of his +hand. At which he exclaimed: "Fritz, yer blighter, I'll never know nah +whether he was goin' to marry the girl or cut 'er bloomin' froat."--_G. +W. Wicheloe (late 138th Heavy Battery, R.G.A.), 162 Stevens Road, +Chadwell Heath, Essex._ + + +Cause and Effect + +A 5.9 had burst on the parados of our trench, and caused--as 5.9's +usually did--a bit of a mess. + +A brand-new officer came around the trench, saw the damage, and asked: +"Whatever caused this mess?" + +Without the slightest suspicion of a smile a Cockney private answered: +"An explosive bullet, sir!"--_C. T. Coates, 46 Hillingdon Street, +London, S.E.17._ + +[Illustration: "... an explosive bullet, sir!"] + + +The Cockney and the Cop + +During the final push near Cambrai Jerry had just been driven from a +very elaborate observation post--a steel-constructed tower. Of course, +we soon occupied it to enable us to see Jerry's hasty retreat. + +No sooner had we got settled when, crash, Jerry had a battery of +pipsqueaks trained on us, firing gas shells. A direct hit brought the +building down. + +By the time we had sorted ourselves out our eyes began to grow dim, +and soon we were temporarily blind. So we took each other's hands, an +ex-policeman leading. + +After a few moments a Cockney friend chimed out, "Say, Cop, do you +think you can find the lock-up now, or had you better blow your +whistle?"--_H. Rainford (late R.F.A.), 219 The Grove, Hammersmith, +W.6._ + + +In the Drorin' Room + +It was on "W" Beach, Gallipoli, some months after the historic landing. +It was fairly safe to picnic here, but for the attentions of "Beachy +Bill," a big Turkish gun. I was with six other R.F.A. details in a +dug-out which was labelled, or rather libelled, "The Ritz." + +"Smiler" Smith gave it that name, and always referred to this verminous +hovel in terms of respect. Chalked notices such as "Wait for the Lift," +"Card Room," "Buffet," were his work. + +A dull thud in the distance--the familiar scream--and _plomp_ came one +from "Bill," a few yards from the Ritz. Only "Smiler" was really hurt. +He received a piece of shell on his arm. As they carried him away, he +called faintly for his tobacco tin. + +"Where did you leave it, 'Smiler'?" + +"In the drorin' room on the grand pianner," said "Smiler" +faintly.--_Gunner W. (late 29th Division, R.F.A.)._ + + +Getting His Goat + +Sandy was one of those whom nature seemed to have intended for a girl. +Sandy by colour, pale and small of features, and without the sparkling +wit of his Cockney comrades, he was the butt of many a joke. + +One dark and dirty night we trailed out of the line at Vermelles and +were billeted in a barn. The farmhouse still sheltered its owner and +the remainder of his live-stock, including a goat in a small shed. + +"Happy" Day, having discovered the goat, called out, "Hi, Sandy! +There's some Maconochie rations in that 'ere shed. Fetch 'em in, mate." + +Off went Sandy, to return hastily with a face whiter than usual, and +saying in his high treble: "'Appy, I can't fetch them. There's two +awful eyes in that shed." + +Subsequently Jerry practically obliterated the farm, and when we +returned to the line "Happy" Day appropriated the goat as a mascot. + +We had only been in the line a few hours when we had the worst +bombardment I remember. Sandy and the goat seemed kindred spirits in +their misery and terror. + +"Happy" had joined the great majority. The goat, having wearied of +trench life and army service, had gone over the top on his own account. +The next thing we knew was that Sandy was "over" after him, shells +dropping around them. Then the goat and "Sandy Greatheart" disappeared +behind a cloud of black and yellow smoke.--_S. G. Bushell (late Royal +Berks), 21 Moore Buildings, Gilbert Street, W._ + + +Jennie the Flier + +It was my job for about two months, somewhere in the summer of 1917, to +take Jennie the mule up to the trenches twice a day with rations, or +shells, for the 35th Trench Mortar Battery, to which I was attached. We +had to cover about 5 kilos. from the Q.M. stores at Rouville, Arras, +to the line. When Jerry put a few over our way it was a job to get +Jennie forward. + +One night we arrived with a full load, and the officer warned me to get +unloaded quick as there was to be a big bombardment. No sooner had I +finished than over came the first shell--and away went Jennie, bowling +over two or three gunners. + +Someone caught her and I mounted for the return journey. Then the +bombardment began in earnest. + +You ought to have seen her go! Talk about a racehorse! I kept saying, +"Gee up, Jennie, old girl, don't get the wind up, we shall soon get +back to Rouville!" + +I looked round and could see the flashes of the guns. That was the way +to make Jennie go. She never thought of stopping till we got home.--_W. +Holmes (9th Essex Regiment), 72 Fleet Road, Hampstead, N.W._ + + +A Mission Fulfilled + +On August 28, 1916, we were told to take over a series of food dumps +which had been formed in the front and support lines at Hamel, on the +Ancre, before a general attack came off. + +On the following night Corporal W----, a true and gallant Cockney +who was in charge of a party going back to fetch rations, came to my +dug-out to know if there were anything special I wished him to bring. + +I asked him to bring me a tin of cigarettes. On the return journey, +as the party was crossing a road which cut through one of the +communicating trenches, a shell struck the road, killing two privates +and fatally wounding Corporal W----. + +Without a word the corporal put his hand into his pocket and, producing +a tin, held it out to an uninjured member of the party. + +I got my smokes.--_L. J. Morgan (late Capt., The Royal Sussex +Regiment), 1 Nevern Square, S.W.5._ + + +He Saved the Tea + +On the night before our big attack on July 1, 1916, on the Somme, eight +of us were in a dug-out getting a little rest. Jerry must have found +some extra shells for he was strafing pretty heavily. + +Two Cockney pals from Stratford were busy down on their hands and knees +with some lighted grease and pieces of dry sandbag, trying to boil a +mess-tin of water to make some tea. + +The water was nearly on the boil when Jerry dropped a "big 'un" right +into the side of our dug-out. + +The smoke and dust had hardly cleared, when one of the Stratfordites +exclaimed, looking down at the overturned mess-tin, "Blimey, that's +caused it." Almost immediately his pal (lying on his back, his face +covered with blood and dirt, and his right hand clasped tightly) +answered: "'S'all right. I ain't put the tea and sugar in."--_J. Russ +(Cpl., late 6th Battn. Royal Berkshire Regt.), 309 Ilford Lane, Ilford, +Essex._ + + +Old Dutch Unlucky + +After a week in Ypres Salient in February 1915 we were back at a place +called Vlamertinghe "resting," i.e. providing the usual working parties +at night. Going out with one of these parties, well loaded with barbed +wire, poles, etc., our rifles slung on our shoulders, things in general +were fairly quiet. A stray bullet struck the piling swivel of the rifle +of "Darkie," the man in front of me. "Missed my head by the skin of its +teeth," said "Darkie." "Good job the old Dutch wasn't here. She reckons +she's been unlucky ever since she set eyes on me--and there's another +pension for life gone beggin'."--_B. Wiseman (late Oxford and Bucks +L.I.), 12 Ursula Street, Battersea, S.W.11._ + + +A Long Streak of Misery + +Dusk was falling on the second day of the battle of Loos. I was +pottering about looking for the other end of our line at the entrance +to Orchard Street trench. A voice hailed me: "'Ere, mate! Is this the +way aht?" + +It came from a little Cockney, a so-called "walking" wounded case. +Immediately behind him there hobbled painfully six feet of complete +abjection. + +I gave them directions, and told them that in two or three hundred +yards they should be out of danger. Then Jerry dropped a "crump." It +tortured the sorely-tried nerves of the long fellow, and when the +bricks and dust had settled, he declared, with sudden conviction: +"We're going to lose this blinkin' war, we are!" + +His companion gave him a look of contempt. + +"You ain't 'arf a long streak of misery," he said. "If I fort that I'd +go back nah an' 'ave another shot at 'em--even if you 'ad to carry me +back."--_"Lines," (33 (S) Bty), 24 Clifton Road, Maida Vale, W.9._ + + +"Smudger's" Tattoo + +"Smudger" Smith, from Hoxton, had just returned off leave, and joined +us at Frankton Camp, near Ypres. Not long after his arrival "Jerry" +started strafing us with his long-range guns, but "Smudger" was more +concerned with the tattooing which he had had done on his arms on leave. + +I said they were very disfiguring, and advised him to have them +removed, giving him an address to go to when he was again in London, +and telling him the probable price. + +Not very long after our conversation "Jerry" landed a shell about forty +yards away from us and made us part company for a while. When I pulled +myself together and looked for "Smudger" he was half-buried with earth +and looked in much pain. + +I went over to him and began to dig him out. Whilst I was thus engaged +he said to me in a weak voice, but with a smile on his face: + +"How much did yer say it would corst to take them tattoos orf?" And +when I told him he replied: "I fink I can get 'em done at harf-price +nah." + +When I dug him out I found he had lost one arm.--_E. R. Wilson (late +East Lancs Regt.), 22 Brindley Street, Shardeloes Road, New Cross, +S.E.14._ + + +Importance of a "Miss" + +Soon after the capture of Hill 70 an artillery observation post was +established near the new front line. A telephone line was laid to it, +but owing to persistent shelling the wire soon became a mere succession +of knots and joints. Communication was established at rare intervals, +and repairing the line was a full-time job. A Cockney signaller and I +went out at daybreak one morning to add more joints to the collection, +and after using every scrap of spare wire available made another +temporary job of it. + +Returning, however, we found at a cross-over that the wire had fallen +from a short piece of board that had been stuck in the parapet to keep +it clear of the trench. As my pal reached up to replace it his head +caught the eye of a sniper, whose bullet, missing by a fraction, struck +and knocked down the piece of wood. + +The signaller's exclamation was: "Blimey, mate, it's lucky he ain't +broke the blinkin' line again!"--_J. Hudson (late R.G.A.), 6 Ventnor +Road, New Cross, S.E.14._ + + +"In the Midst of War----" + +A battalion of a London regiment was in reserve in Riviere-Grosville, a +small village just behind the line, in March 1917. Towards midnight we +were ordered to fall in in fighting order as it was believed that the +Germans had retired. + +Our mission was to reconnoitre the German position, and we were +cautioned that absolute silence must be preserved. + +All went well until we reached the German barbed wire entanglements, +that had to be negotiated by narrow paths, through which we proceeded +softly and slowly, and with the wind "well up." + +Suddenly the air was rent by a stream of blistering invective, and a +Cockney Tommy turned round on his pal, who had tripped and accidentally +prodded him with the point of his bayonet, and at the top of his voice +said: + +"Hi, wot's the blinkin' gime, Charlie? Do that again and I'll knock yer +ruddy 'ead off." + +Charlie raised his voice to the level of the other's and said he'd +like to see him do it, and while we flattened ourselves on the ground +expecting a storm of bullets and bombs at any moment, the two pals +dropped their rifles and had it out with their fists. + +Fortunately, rumour was correct, the Germans had retired.--_H. T. +Scillitoe, 77 Stanmore Road, Stevenage, Herts._ + + +A Case for the Ordnance + +A pitch dark night on the Salonika front in 1917. I was in charge of an +advanced detachment near a railhead. + +A general and a staff officer were travelling by rail-motor towards +the front line when in the darkness the rail-motor crashed into +some stationary freight trucks, completely wrecking the vehicle and +instantly killing the driver. + +I rushed with a stretcher party to render help. The general and his +staff officer were unconscious amid the wreckage. + +Feverishly we worked to remove the debris which pinned them down. Two +of us caught the general beneath the shoulders, and one was raising his +legs when to his horror one leg came away in his hand. + +When the general regained his senses, seeing our concern, he quickly +reassured us. The leg turned out to be a wooden one! He had lost the +original at Hill 60. + +The tension over, one of the stretcher-bearers, a Cockney from Mile +End, whispered into my ear, "We can't take 'im to the 'orspital, sarge, +he wants to go dahn to the Ordnance!"--_Sgt. T. C. Jones, M.S.M., 15 +Bushey Mill Lane, Watford._ + + +Dismal Jimmy's Prisoner + +Out of the ebb and flow, the mud and blood, the din and confusion +of a two days' strafe on the Somme in September 1917 my particular +chum, Private James X., otherwise known as "Dismal Jimmy," emerged +with a German prisoner who was somewhat below the usual stature and +considerably the worse for the wear and tear of his encounter with the +Cockney soldier. + +"Jimmy," although obviously proud of his captive, was, as usual, "fed +up" with the war, the strafe, and everything else. To make matters +worse, on his way to the support trenches he was caught in the head by +a sniper's bullet. + +His pet grievance, however, did not come from this particular +misfortune, but from the fact that the prisoner had not taken advantage +of the opportunity to "'Op it!" when the incident occurred. "Wot yer +fink ov 'im, mate?" he queried. "Followed me all rahnd the blinkin' +trenches, 'e did! Thinks I got a bit o' tripe on a skewer, maybe, th' +dirty dog!" "Jimmy" muttered. Then he came under the orders of a Higher +Command.--_H. J. R., 1 Central Buildings, Westminster, S.W.1._ + + +That Creepy Feeling + +In the brick-fields at La Bassee, 1915, there was a pump about five +yards from our front line which we dare not approach in daylight. At +night it was equally dangerous as it squeaked and so drew the sniper's +fire. + +We gave up trying to use it after a few of our fellows had been sniped +in their attempts, until Nobby Clarke said _he_ would get the water, +adding: "That blinkin' sniper hasn't my name on any of his ruddy +bullets." + +After he had gone we heard the usual squeak of the pump, followed by +the inevitable _ping!_ ... _ping!_ We waited. No Nobby returned. + +Two of us crawled out to where he lay to bring him in. "Strewth, Bill," +he cried when my mate touched him, "you didn't 'arf put the blinkin' +wind up me, _creepin' aht like that_!" + +There he lay, on his back, with a piece of rope tied to the handle of +the pump. We always got our water after that.--_F. J. Pike (late 2nd +Grenadier Guards), 4 Hilldrop Road, Bromley, Kent._ + + +"Toot-Sweet," the Runner + +Scene: Before Combles in the front line. + +Position: Acute. + +Several runners had been despatched from the forward position with +urgent messages for Headquarters, and all had suffered the common +fate of these intrepid fellows. One Cockney named Sweet, and known +as "Toot-Sweet" for obvious reasons, had distinguished himself upon +various occasions in acting as a runner. + +A volunteer runner was called for to cover a particularly dangerous +piece of ground, and our old friend was to the fore as usual. "But," +said the company officer, "I can't send you again--someone else must +go." + +Imagine his astonishment when "Toot-Sweet" said, "Giv' us this charnce, +sir. I've got two mentions in dispatches now, an' I only want annuvver +to git a medal." + +He went, but he did not get a medal.--_E. V. S. (late Middlesex Regt.), +London, N.W.2._ + + +Applying the Moral + +Before we made an attack on "The Mound of Death," St. Eloi, in the +early part of 1916, our Brigadier-General addressed the battalion and +impressed upon us the importance of taking our objective. + +He told us the tale of two mice which fell into a basin of milk. The +faint-hearted one gave up and was drowned. The other churned away with +his legs until the milk turned into butter and he could walk away! He +hoped that we would show the same determination in our attack. + +We blew up part of the German front line, which had been mined, and +attacked each side of the crater, and took the position, though with +heavy losses. + +On the following day one of my platoon fell into the crater, which, of +course, was very muddy. As he plunged about in it he shouted "When I've +churned this ruddy mud into concrete I'm 'opping aht of it." + +This was the action in which our gallant chaplain, Captain the Rev. +Noel Mellish, won the V.C.--_"Reg. Bomber," 4th Royal Fusiliers, 3rd +Division._ + + +Spelling v. Shelling + +An attack was to be made by our battalion at Givenchy in 1915. The +Germans must have learned of the intention, for two hours before it was +due to begin they sent up a strong barrage, causing many casualties. + +[Illustration: "'Ow d'yer spell 'delightful'?"] + +Letters and cards, which might be their last, were being sent home by +our men, and a Cockney at the other end of our dug-out shouted to his +mate, "'Arry, 'ow d'yer spell 'delightful'?"--_H. W. Mason (late 23rd +London Regt.), 26 Prairie Street, Battersea, S.W._ + + +Too Much Hot Water + +We were taking a much-needed bath and change in the Brewery vats at +Poperinghe, when Jerry started a mad five minutes' "strafe" with, as it +seemed, the old Brewery as a target. + +Above the din of explosions, falling bricks, and general "wind-up" the +aggrieved voice of Sammy Wilkes from Poplar, who was still in the vat, +was heard: + +"Lumme, and I only asked for a little drop more 'ot water."--_Albert +Girardot (late K.R.R.), 250 Cornwall Road, Ladbroke Grove, W.11._ + + +"Ducks and Drakes! Ducks and Drakes!" + +After the evacuation of the Dardanelles the "Drakes" of the Royal Naval +Division were ordered to France. Amongst them was Jack (his real name +was John). A young Soccer player, swift of foot, he was chosen as a +"runner." + +One day he tumbled into a shell hole. And just as he had recovered his +wits in came Colonel Freyberg, V.C., somewhat wounded. Seeing Jack, he +told him he was just the boy he wanted--the lad had run away from home +to join up before he was seventeen--and scribbling a note the colonel +handed it to him. + +The boy was told if he delivered it safely he could help the colonel to +take Beaucourt. Jack began to scramble out. It was none too inviting, +for shells were bursting in all directions, and it was much more +comfortable inside. With a wide vocabulary from the Old Kent Road, he +timely remembered that his father was a clergyman, and muttering to +himself, "Ducks and drakes, ducks and drakes," he reached the top and +went on his way. + +The sequel was that the message was delivered, reinforcements came +up, led by the boy to the colonel, and Beaucourt was taken.--_Father +Hughes, 60 Hainault Avenue, Westcliff-on-Sea._ + + +You Must have Discipline + +On September 14, 1916, at Angle Wood on the Somme, the 168th (London) +Brigade Signals were unloading a limber on a slope, on top of which was +a battery which Jerry was trying to find. One of his shells found us, +knocking all of us over and wounding nine or ten of us (one fatally). + +As the smoke and dust cleared, our Cockney sergeant (an old soldier +whose slogan was "You must have dis_cip_line") gradually rose to +a sitting position, and, whipping out his notebook and pencil, +called "Nah, then, oo's wounded?" and calmly proceeded to write down +names.--_Wm. R. Smith (late R.E. Signals), 231 Halley Road, Manor Park, +E.12._ + + +L.B.W. in Mespot + +At a certain period during the operations in Mesopotamia so dependent +were both the British and the Turks on the supply of water from the +Tigris that it became an unwritten law that water-carriers from both +sides were not to be sniped at. + +This went on until a fresh British regiment, not having had the +position explained, fired on a party of Turks as they were returning +from the river. The next time we went down to get water the Turks, +of course, returned the compliment; so from then onwards all water +carrying had to be done under cover of darkness. + +On one of these occasions a Turkish sniper peppered our water party +as they were returning to our lines. They all got back, however; but +one, a man from Limehouse, was seen to be struggling with his water +container only half full, and at the same time it was noticed that his +trousers and boots were saturated. + +"Hi!" shouted the sergeant, "you've lost half the water. Did that +sniper get your bucket?" + +"Not 'im," replied the Cockney, "I saw to that. 'E only got me leg." + +What, in the darkness, appeared to be water spilt from the bucket was +really the result of a nasty flesh wound.--_J. M. Rendle (Lieut., +I.A.R.O.), White Cottage, St. Leonard's Gardens, Hove, Sussex._ + + +Trench-er Work + +We were attacking Messines Ridge. The ground was a mass of flooded +shell-holes. Hearing a splash and some cursing in a familiar voice, I +called out, "Are you all right, Tubby?" + +The reply came, as he crawled out of a miniature mine crater, "Yus, but +I've lorst me 'ipe (rifle)." + +I asked what he was going to do, and he replied, "You dig them German +sausages out with yer baynit and I'll eat 'em." + +So saying, he pulled out his knife and fork and proceeded towards the +enemy trenches.--_"Pip Don" (London Regt.), 22 Ingram Road, Thornton +Heath._ + + +"The Best Man--Goes Fust" + +In the second battle of Arras, 1917, our regiment was held up near +Gavrelle and was occupying a line of shell-holes. The earth was heaving +all around us with the heavy barrage. Peeping over the top of my +shell-hole I found my neighbours, "Shorty" (of Barnes) and "Tiny" (of +Kent) arguing about who was the best man. + +All of a sudden over came one of Jerry's five-nines. It burst too close +to "Shorty," who got the worst of it, and was nearly done for. But he +finished his argument, for he said to "Tiny" in a weak voice, "That +shows you who's the best man. My ole muvver always says as the best +goes fust."--_J. Saxby, Paddington, W.2._ + + +When Clemenceau Kissed the Sergeant + +About Christmas of 1917 I was on the Somme with one of the most +Cockney of the many battalions of the Royal Fusiliers. As we sheltered +in dug-outs from the "gale" Fritz was putting over, to our surprise +we heard a voice greet us in French, "_Allons, mes enfants_: _Ca va +toujours_." + +Looking up we beheld an old man in shabby suit and battered hat who +seemed the typical French peasant. "Well, of all the old idiots," +called out the sergeant. "Shut yer face an' 'ook it, ye blamed old +fool." For answer the old man gave the sergeant the surprise of his +life by seizing him in a grip of iron and planting a resounding kiss on +each cheek, French fashion. + +Just at that moment some brass hats came along and the mystery was +explained. The "old fool" was the late Georges Clemenceau, then French +War Minister, who had come to see for himself what it was like in our +sector and had lost his guides. + +"An' to think that 'e kissed me just like I was a kid, after I'd told +'im to 'ook it," commented the sergeant afterwards. "Wonder wot 'e'd 'a +done 'ad I told 'im to go to 'ell, as I'd 'alf a mind to." + +Years later I was one of a party of the British Legion received in +Paris by "The Tiger," and I recalled the incident. "Pere La Victoire" +laughed heartily. "That Cockney sergeant was right," he said, "I was an +old fool to go about like that in the line, but then somebody has got +to play the fool in war-time, so that there may be no follies left for +the wise heads to indulge in."--_H. Stockman, Hotel Terminus, Rue St. +Lazare, Paris, VIIIeme, France._ + + +Poet and--Prophet + +I was sitting with my pal in the trenches of the front line waiting +for the next move when I heard our Cockney break into the chorus of a +home-made song: + + "'Twas moonlight in the trenches, + The sky was royal blue, + When Jerry let his popgun go, + And up the 'ole 'ouse flew." + +The last words were drowned in a terrific crash. There was sudden +quiet afterwards, and then a voice said, "There y'are, wot did I tell +yer?"--_T. E. Crouch, 28 Eleanor Road, Hackney, E.8._ + + +Pub that Opened Punctually + +It was at the village of Zudkerque, where Fritz had bombed and blown up +a dump in 1916. My pal and I were standing outside a cafe, the windows +of which were shuttered, when the blast of a terrific explosion blew +out the shutters. They hit my pal and me on the head and knocked us +into the roadway. + +My pal picked himself up, and, shaking bits of broken glass off him and +holding a badly gashed head, said: "Lumme, Ginger, they don't 'arf open +up quick 'ere. Let's go an 'ave one."--_J. March (late R.E.), London, +S.E._ + + +That Precious Tiny Tot + +We had paraded for the rum issue at Frankton Camp, near Ypres, when the +enemy opened fire with long-range guns. A Cockney came forward with +his mug, drew his issue, and moved off to drink it under cover and at +leisure. Suddenly a large shell whooped over and burst about 40 yards +away. With a casual glance at the fountain of earth which soared up, +the man calmly removed his shrapnel helmet and held it over his mug +until the rain of earth and stones ceased.--_"Skipper," D.L.I., London, +W.2._ + + +Cigs and Cough Drops + +Cigarettes we knew not; food was scarce, so was ammunition. +Consequently I was detailed on the eve of the retreat from Serbia to +collect boxes of S.A.A. lying near the front line. + +On the way to report my arrival to the infantry officer I found a +Cockney Tommy badly wounded in the chest. "It's me chest, ain't it, +mate?" he asked. I nodded in reply. "Then I'll want corf drops, not +them," and with that he handed me a packet of cigarettes. How he got +them and secretly saved them up so long is a mystery. + +I believe he knew that he would not require either cough drops or +cigarettes, and I took a vow to keep the empty packet to remind me of +the gallant fellow.--_H. R. (late R.F.A.), 10th Division, London, N.3._ + + +"Smiler" to the End + +When Passchendaele started on July 31, 1917, we who were holding ground +captured in the Messines stunt of June 7 carried out a "dummy" attack. + +One of the walking wounded coming back from this affair of bluff, +I struck a hot passage, for Jerry was shelling the back areas with +terrific pertinacity. Making my way to the corduroy road by Mount +Kemmel, I struck a stretcher party. Their burden was a rifleman of +the R.B.'s, whose body was a mass of bandages. Seeing me ducking and +dodging every time a salvo burst near he called out: + +"Keep wiv me, mate, 'cos two shells never busts in the same 'ole--and +if I ain't a shell 'ole 'oo is?" + +Sheer grit kept him alive until after we reached Lord Derby's War +Hospital outside Warrington, and the nickname of "Smiler" fitted him to +the last.--_W. G. C., 2 Avonly Road, S.E.14._ + + +"The Bishop" and the Bright Side + +A fully-qualified chartered accountant in the City, my pal, "The +Bishop"--so called because of his dignified manner--was promoted +company-clerk in the Irish Rifles at Messines in 1917. + +Company headquarters were in a dark and dismal barn where the Company +Commander and "The Bishop" were writing under difficulties one +fine morning--listening acutely to the shriek and crash of Jerry's +whizz-bangs just outside the ramshackle door. + +The betting was about fifty to one on a direct hit at any moment. The +skipper had a wary eye on "The Bishop"--oldish, shortish, stoutish, +rather comical card in his Tommy's kit. Both were studiously preserving +an air of outward calm. + +Then the direct hit came--high up, bang through the rafters, and blew +off the roof. "The Bishop" looked up at the sky, still clutching his +fountain-pen. + +"Ah, that's better, sir," he said. "Now we can see what we are +doing."--_P. J. K., Westbourne Grove, W.2._ + + +"Chuck yer Blinkin' 'Aggis at 'im!" + +The Cockney inhabitants of "Brick Alley," at Carnoy, on the Somme in +1916, had endured considerable attention from a German whizz-bang +battery situated a mile or so away behind Trones Wood. + +During a lull in the proceedings a fatigue party of "Jocks," each +carrying a 40-lb. sphere, the business end of a "toffee-apple" (trench +mortar bomb), made their appearance, and were nicely strung out in the +trench when Jerry opened out again. + +The chances of a direct hit made matters doubly unpleasant. + +The tension became a little too much for one of the regular billetees, +and from a funk-hole in the side of the trench a reproachful voice +addressed the nearest Highlander: "For the luv o' Mike, Jock, get up +and chuck yer blinkin' 'aggis at 'em."--_J. C. Whiting (late 8th Royal +Sussex Pioneers), 36 Hamlet Gardens, W.6._ + + +Back to Childhood + +I had been given a lift in an A.S.C. lorry going to Jonchery on May +27, 1918, when it was suddenly attacked by a German plane. On getting +a burst of machine-gun bullets through the wind-screen the driver, a +stout man of about forty, pulled up, and we both clambered down. + +The plane came lower and re-opened fire, and as there was no other +shelter we were obliged to crawl underneath the lorry and dodge from +one side to the other in order to avoid the bullets. + +[Illustration: "Fancy a bloke my age playin' 'ide an' seek"] + +After one hurried "pot" at the plane, and as we dived for the other +side, my companion gasped: "Lumme! Fancy a bloke my age a-playin' 'ide +an' seek!"--_H. G. E. Woods, "The Willows," Bridge Street, Maidenhead._ + + +The Altruist + +One afternoon in July 1917 our battalion was lying by a roadside on the +Ypres front waiting for night to fall so that we could proceed to the +front line trenches. + +"Smiffy" was in the bombing section of his platoon and had a bag of +Mills grenades to carry. + +Fritz began to get busy, and soon we had shrapnel bursting overhead. +"Smiffy" immediately spread his body over his bag of bombs like a hen +over a clutch of eggs. + +"What the 'ell are you sprawling over them bombs for?" asked the +sergeant. + +"Well," replied Smiffy, "it's like this 'ere, sergeant. I wouldn't mind +a little Blighty one meself, but I'd jest 'ate for any of these bombs +ter get wounded while I'm wiv 'em."--_T. E. M. (late London Regt.), +Colliers Wood, S.W.19._ + + +"Minnie's Stepped on my Toe!" + +We were lying in front of Bapaume in August 1918 awaiting +reinforcements. They came from Doullens, and among them was a Cockney +straight from England. He greeted our sergeant with the words, "Wot +time does the dance start?" The sergeant, an old-timer, replied, "The +dance starts right now." + +So over the top we went, but had not gone far when the Cockney was +bowled over by a piece from a minnenwerfer, which took half of one foot +away. + +I was rendering first aid when the sergeant came along. He looked down +and said, "Hello, my lad, soon got tired of the dance, eh?" + +The little Cockney looked up and despite his pain he smiled and said, +"On wiv the dance, sergeant! I'm sitting this one aht, fer Minnie has +stepped on my toe."--_E. C. Hobbs (late 1st Royal Marine Battn.), 103 +Moore Park Road, Fulham, S.W._ + + +In the Dim Dawn + +Jerry had made a surprise raid on our trenches one morning just as +it was getting light. He got very much the worst of it, but when +everything was over Cockney Simmonds was missing. + +We hunted everywhere, but couldn't find him. Suddenly we saw him +approaching with a hefty looking German whom he had evidently taken +prisoner. + +"Where did you get him from, Simmonds?" we asked. + +"Well, d'yer see that shell-'ole over there 'alf full o' water?" + +"Yes," we said, all craning our necks to look. + +"Well, this 'ere Fritz didn't."--_L. Digby (12th East Surreys), 10 +Windsor Road, Holloway, N.7._ + + +Beau Brummell's Puttees + +March 1918. Just before the big German offensive. One night I was out +with a reconnoitring patrol in "No Man's Land." We had good reason to +believe that Jerry also had a patrol in the near vicinity. + +Suddenly a burst of machine-gun fire in our direction seemed to +indicate that we had been spotted. We dived for shell-holes and any +available cover, breathlessly watching the bullets knock sparks off +the barbed wire. When the firing ceased and we attempted to re-form +our little party, a Cockney known as "Posh" Wilks was missing. + +Fearing the worst, we peered into the darkness. Just then a Verey +light illuminated the scene, and we saw the form of "Posh" Wilks +some little distance away. I went over to see what was wrong, and +to my astonishment he was kneeling down carefully rewinding one of +his puttees. "Can't get these ruddy things right anyhow to-day," he +said.--_H. W. White (late Royal Sussex Regt.), 18 Airthrie Road, +Goodmayes, Essex._ + + +Plenty of Room on Top + +On December 4, 1917, we made a surprise attack on the enemy in the +Jabal Hamrin range in Northern Mesopotamia. + +We wore our winter clothing (the same as in Europe), with tin hats +complete. After stumbling over the rocks in extended order for some +time, the platoon on my left, who were on higher ground, sighted a +Turkish camp fire on the right. + +We swung round in that direction, to find ourselves up against an +almost blank wall of rock, about 20 ft. high, the enemy being somewhere +on top. + +At last we found a place at which to scale it, one at a time. We began +to mount, in breathless silence, expecting the first man to come +tumbling down on top of all the rest. + +I was the second, and just as I started to climb I felt two sharp tugs +at my entrenching tool and a hoarse Cockney voice whispered, "Full up +inside; plenty o' room on top." I was annoyed at the time, but I have +often laughed over it since.--_P. V. Harris, 89 Sherwood Park Road, +S.W.16._ + + +Nearly Lost His Washing-Bowl + +In March 1917 we held the front line trenches opposite a sugar refinery +held by the Germans. We got the order to stand to as our engineers were +going to blow up a mine on the German position. + +Up went the mine. Then Fritz started shelling us. Shells were bursting +above and around us. A piece of shrapnel hit a Cockney, a lad from +Paddington, on his tin hat. + +When things calmed down another Cockney bawled out, "Lumme, that was a +near one, Bill." "Blimey, not 'arf," was the reply. "If I 'adn't got my +chin-strap dahn I'd 'ave lost my blooming washing-bowl."--_E. Rickard +(late Middlesex Regt.), 65 Apsley End, Hemel Hempstead, Herts._ + + +Bath Night + +The trenches on the Somme were very deep and up to our knees in mud, +and we were a pretty fine sight after being in the front line several +days over our time. + +I shall never forget the night we passed out of the trenches--like a +lot of mud-larks. The O.C., seeing the state we were in, ordered us to +have a bath. We stopped at an old barn, where the R.E.'s had our water +ready in wooden tubs. Imagine the state of the water when, six to a +tub, we had to skim the mud off after one another! + +Just as we were enjoying the treat, Jerry started sending over some of +his big stuff, and one shell took the back part of the barn off. + +Everybody began getting out of the tubs, except a Cockney, who sat up +in his tub and shouted out, "Blimey, Jerry, play the blinkin' game. +Wait till I've washed me back. I've lorst me soap."--_C. Ralph (late +Royal Welch Fusiliers), 153d Guinness Buildings, Hammersmith, W.6._ + + +Back to the Shack + +Whilst on the Somme in October 1916 my pal Mac (from Notting Hill) +and myself were sent forward to a sunken road just behind Les Boeufs +to assist at a forward telephone post which was in communication with +battalion H.Q. by wire and with the companies in the trenches by runner. + +During the night a false "S O S" was sent up, and our guns opened +out--and, of course, so did the German guns--and smashed our telephone +wire. + +It being "Mac's" turn out, he picked up his 'phone and went up the +dug-out steps. When he had almost reached the top a big shell burst +right in the dug-out entrance and blew "Mac" back down the stairs to +the bottom, bruised, but otherwise unhurt. + +Picking himself up slowly he removed his hat, placed his hand over his +heart, and said, gazing round, "Back to the old 'ome agin--and it ain't +changed a bit."--_A. J. West (late Corpl., Signals), 1/13th London +Regt., 212 Third Avenue, Paddington, W.10._ + + +His Last Gamble + +One night in July 1917, as darkness came along, my battalion moved up +and relieved a battalion in the front line. + +Next morning as dawn was breaking Jerry started a violent strafe. My +platoon occupied three fire-bays, and we in the centre one could shout +to those in the bays on either side, although we could not see them. + +In one of the end bays was "Monte Carlo" Teddy, a true lad from London, +a "bookie's tick-tack" before the war. He was called "Monte Carlo" +because he would gamble on anything. As a shell exploded anywhere near +us Teddy would shout, "Are you all right, sarge?" until this kind of +got on my nerves, so I crawled into his bay to inquire why he had +suddenly taken such an interest in my welfare. He explained, "I gets up +a draw larst night, sarge, a franc a time, as to which of us in this +lot stopped a packet first, and you're my gee-gee." + +I had hardly left them when a shell exploded in their bay. The only +one to stop a packet was Teddy, and we carried him into the next bay +to await the stretcher-bearers. I could see he would never reach the +dressing station. + +Within five minutes I had stopped a lovely Blighty, and they put me +alongside Teddy. When he noticed who it was he said, "Well I'm blowed, +just my blinkin' luck; licked a short head and I shan't last long +enough to see if there's a' objection." + +Thus he died, as he always said he would, with his boots on, and my +company could never replace him. Wherever two men of my old mob meet +you can bet your boots that one or the other is sure to say, "Remember +'Monte Carlo' Ted?"--_E. J. Clark (late Sergeant, Lincoln Regt.), c/o +Sir Thomas Lipton, Bart., K.C.V.O., Osidge, Southgate, N.14._ + + +That Infernal Drip-Drip-Drip! + +We were trying to sleep in half a dug-out that was roofed with a +waterproof sheet--Whale and I. It was a dark, wet night. I had hung a +mess tin on a nail to catch the water that dripped through, partly to +keep it off my head, also to provide water for an easy shave in the +morning. + +A strafe began. The night was illuminated by hundreds of vivid flashes, +and shells of all kinds burst about us. The dug-out shook with the +concussions. Trench mortars, rifle grenades, and machine-gun fire +contributed to the din. + +Whale, who never had the wind up, was shifting his position and turning +from one side to the other. + +"What's the matter?" I asked my chum. "Can't you sleep?" + +"Sleep! 'Ow the 'ell can a bloke sleep with that infernal +_drip-drip-drip_ goin' on?"--_P. T. Hughes (late 21st London Regiment, +47th Division), 12 Shalimar Gardens, Acton, W._ + + +"A Blinkin' Vanity Box" + +After the terrific upheaval of June 7, 1917, my brigade (the 111th) +held the line beyond Wytschaete Ridge for some weeks. While my company +was in support one day my corporal and I managed to scrounge into a +pill-box away from the awful mud. We could not escape the water because +the explosion of the mines on June 7 had cracked the foundation of our +retreat and water was nearly two feet deep on the floor. + +Just before dusk on this rainy July evening I was shaving before a +metal mirror in the top bunk in the pill-box, while the corporal washed +in a mess-tin in the bunk below. Just then Jerry started a severe +strafe and a much-muddied runner of the 13th Royal Fusiliers appeared +in the unscreened doorway. + +"Come in and shelter, old man," I said. So he stepped on to an +ammunition box that just failed to keep his feet clear of the water. + +He had watched our ablutions in silence for a minute or so, when a +shell burst almost in the doorway and flung him into the water below +our bunks, where he sat with his right arm red and rent, sagging at his +side. + +"Call this a shelter?" he said. "Blimey, it's a blinkin' vanity +box!"--_Sgt., 10th R.F., East Sheen, S.W.14._ + + +Playing at Statues + +We were making our way to a detached post just on the left of Vimy, and +Jerry was sending up Verey lights as we were going along. Every time +one went up we halted, and kept quite still in case we should be seen. + +It was funny indeed to see how some of the men halted when a light +went up. Some had one foot down and one raised, and others were in a +crouching position. "My missus orta see me nah playing at blinkin' +statchoos," said one old Cockney.--_T. Kelly (late 17th London Regt.), +43 Ocean Street, Stepney, E.1._ + +[Illustration: "Playin' at statchoos."] + + +Bo Peep--1915 Version + +In 1915 at Fricourt "Copper" Kingsland of our regiment, the 7th Royal +West Surreys, was on sentry on the fire-step in the front line. At this +period of the war steel helmets were not in use. Our cap badge was in +the form of a lamb. + +A Fritz sniper registered a hit through Kingsland's hat, cutting the +tail portion of the lamb away. After he had pulled himself together +"Copper" surveyed his cap badge and remarked: "On the larst kit +inspection I reported to the sargint that yer was lorst, and nah I +shall 'ave ter tell 'im that when Bo Peep fahnd yer, yer wagged yer +bloomin' tail off in gratitood."--_"Spot," Haifu, Farley Road, Selsdon, +Surrey._ + + +Jerry's Dip in the Fat + +We were out at rest in an open field on the Somme front when one +morning, about 5 a.m., our cook, Alf, of Battersea, was preparing the +company's breakfast. There was bacon, but no bread. I was standing +beside the cooker soaking one of my biscuits in the fat. + +Suddenly a Jerry airman dived down towards the cooker, firing his +machine gun. I got under the cooker, Alf fell over the side of it, +striking his head on the ground. I thought he was hit. But he sat up, +rubbing his head and looking up at Jerry, who was then flying away. + +"'Ere!" he shouted, "next time yer wants a dip in the fat, don't be +so rough."--_H. A. Redford (late 24th London Regt.), 31 Charrington +Street, N.W.1._ + + +Carried Unanimously + +Some recently captured trenches had to be cleared of the enemy, and in +the company told off for the job was a Cockney youth. Proceeding along +the trench with a Mills bomb in his hand, he came upon a number of the +enemy hiding in a dug-out. + +"Nah then," he shouted, holding up the bomb in readiness to throw it +if necessary, "all them as votes for coming along wiv me 'old up your +'ands." + +All hands were held up, with the cry "Kamerad! Kamerad!" Upon which the +Cockney shouted, "Look, mates, it's carried unanermously."--_H. Morgan +(late 4th Telegraph Construction Co., R.E. Signals), 26 Ranelagh Road, +Wembley._ + + +A Very Hot Bath + +During the retreat of the remnants of the Fifth Army in March 1918 two +of the six-inch howitzers of the Honourable Artillery Company were in +action in some deserted horse-lines outside Peronne. + +During a lull Gunner A----, a Londoner, like the rest of us, went +"scrounging" in some nearby cottages recently abandoned by their +inhabitants. He reappeared carrying a large zinc bath, and after +filling it with water from the horse pond he made a huge bonfire with +broken tables and other furniture, and set the bath on the fire. + +Just when the water had been heated Fritz opened out with 5.9's. As +we were not firing just then we all took cover, with the exception of +Gunner A----, who calmly set his bath of hot water down by one of the +guns, undressed, and got into the bath. A minute later a large piece of +shell also entered the bath, passed through the bottom of it and into +the ground. + +The gunner watched the precious water running out, then he slowly rose +and, beginning to dress, remarked, "Very well, Fritz, have it your way. +I may not be godly, but I _did_ want to be clean."--_Edward Boaden +(late H.A.C., 309 Siege Battery), 17 Connaught Gardens, Muswell Hill, +N.10._ + + +In Lieu of ---- + +During a winter's night on the Somme a party of us were drawing rations +just behind the front line trenches. A Cockney chum of mine was +disgusted to hear the Q.M. say he was issuing hot soup in lieu of rum. + +"Coo! What next?" he grumbled. "Soup in lieu of rum, biscuits in +lieu of bread, jam in lieu----" While he spoke Jerry sent over two +whizz-bangs which scattered us and the rations and inflicted several +casualties. + +My chum was hit badly. As he was being carried past the Q.M. he smiled +and said, "Someone will have to be in lieu of me now, Quarter!"--_T. +Allen (late Plymouth Battn., R.N.D.), 21 Sydney Street, S.W._ + + +Putting the Hatt on It + +Two brothers named Hatt were serving together in France. The elder was +always saying that he would never be hit, as the Germans, not being +able to spell his name correctly, could not put it on any of their +shells or bullets. (It was a common saying among the soldiers, of +course, that a shell or bullet which hit a man had the victim's name on +it.) + +The younger brother was taken prisoner, and two days later the elder +brother was shot through the finger. Turning to his mates he exclaimed, +"Blimey, me brother's been an' split on me."--_W. J. Bowes, 224 Devon's +Road, Bow, E.3._ + + +Tangible Evidence + +We were at Levantie in 1915, just before the Battle of Loos, and the +rumour was about that the Germans were running short of ammunition. It +was very quiet in our sector, as we were opposite the Saxons, and we +strolled about at ease. + +A party of us was told off to get water just behind the trenches in +an old farmhouse which had a pump. We filled all the water bottles +and rum jars and then had a look round the ruins to see what we could +scrounge, when suddenly Fritz sent a shell over. It hit the wall and +sent bricks flying all over the place. One of the bricks hit my mate on +the head and knocked him out. When we had revived him he looked up and +said, "Strewth, it's right they ain't got no 'ammo.'; they're slinging +bricks. It shows yer we've got 'em all beat to a frazzle, don't +it?"--_J. Delderfield, 54 Hampden Street, Paddington._ + + +What the Cornwalls' Motto Meant + +A platoon of my regiment, the Duke of Cornwall's Light Infantry, was +engaged in carrying screens to a point about 200 yards behind the +front line. The screens were to be set up to shield a road from German +observation balloons, and they were made of brushwood bound together +with wire. They were rolled up for convenience of transport, and when +rolled they looked like big bundles of pea-sticks about ten feet long. +They were very heavy. + +Three men were told off to carry each screen. One of the parties of +three was composed of two Cornishmen (who happened to be at the ends +of the screen) and their Cockney pal (in the middle), the screen being +carried on their shoulders. + +When they had nearly reached the point in the communication trench +where it was to be dumped, Jerry sent over a salvo of whizz-bangs. His +range was good, and consequently the carrying party momentarily became +disorganised. The Cornishman at the front end of the screen dashed +towards the front line, whilst the man at the other end made a hurried +move backwards. + +This left the Cockney with the whole of the weight of the screen on his +shoulder. The excitement was over in a few seconds and the Cornishmen +returned to find the Cockney lying on the duckboards, where he had +subsided under the weight of his burden, trying to get up. He stopped +struggling when he saw them and said very bitterly, "Yus: One and All's +yer blinkin' motter; _one_ under the blinkin' screen and _all_ the rest +'op it." + +"One and All," I should mention, is the Cornwalls' motto.--_"Cornwall," +Greenford, Middlesex._ + + +Atlas--On the Somme + +During the Somme offensive we were holding the line at Delville Wood, +and a Cockney corporal fresh from England came to our company. + +He was told to take charge of a very advanced post, and our company +officer gave him all important instructions as to bomb stores, +ammunition, rifle grenades, emergency rations, S O S rockets, gas, and +all the other numerous and important orders for an advanced post. + +After the officer asked him if he understood it all, he said, "Blimey, +sir, 'as 'Aig gone on leave?"--_Ex-Sergt. Geary, D.C.M. (East Surrey +Regt.), 57 Longley Road, Tooting._ + + +Putting the Lid on It + +On the Struma Front, Salonika, in September 1916, I was detailed to +take a party of Bulgar prisoners behind the lines. + +Two Bulgars, one of them a huge, bald-headed man, were carrying a +stretcher in which was reposing "Ginger" Hart, of Deptford, who was +shot through the leg. + +The white bursts of shrapnel continued in our vicinity as we proceeded. +One shell burst immediately in front of us, and we halted. + +It was at this juncture that I saw "Ginger" leave his stretcher and +hop away on one leg. Having picked up a tin hat, he hopped back to the +big Bulgar prisoner and put the hat on his bald head, saying, "Abaht +time we put the lid on the sooit puddin', corp: that's the fifth shot +they've fired at that target."--_G. Findlay, M.M. (late 81st Infantry +Brigade, 27th Division), 3a Effie Place, Fulham, S.W.6._ + + +Taffy was a--German! + +In the confused fighting round Gueudecourt in 1916 a machine-gun +section occupied a position in a maze of trenches, some of which led +towards the German line. The divisional pioneer battalion was the +Monmouthshire Regiment, all of whose men were Welsh and for the most +part spoke Welsh. + +A ration party of the M.G.C. had gone back one night and had been +absent some time when two members rushed into the position, gasping: +"We took the wrong turning! Walked into Jerry's line! They've got +Smiffy--and the rations!" + +We had hardly got over the shock of this news when Smiffy came +staggering up, dragging the rations and mopping a bleeding face, at the +same time cursing the rest of the ration party. + +"Luv us, Smiffy, how did you get away? We thought the Germans had got +you for sure!" + +"Germans," gasped Smiffy. "GERMANS! _I thought they was the +Monmouths!_"--_S. W. Baxter (late 86th M.G.C.), 110 Bishopsgate, E.C.2._ + + +A Tea-time Story + +At the Battle of Cambrai in November 1917 my regiment, the London Irish +Rifles, was undergoing a terrific bombardment in Bourlon Wood. + +The Germans had been plastering us for about 12 hours with "all +calibres," to say nothing of continual gassing. + +As we had been wearing gas-masks almost all day without respite, we +were nearly "all in" as the afternoon wore on. + +I was attending to a man with a smashed foot, when I felt a touch on +my shoulder, and, blinking up through my sweat-covered mask, I saw our +mess-orderly with his hand over a mess-tin (to keep the gas out, as he +said). + +I could hardly believe my eyes, but when I heard him say, "Tea is +ready, Sarg. Blimey, what a strafe!" I lifted my mask and drank deeply. + +From that day till this it has been a wonder to me how he made it.--_S. +Gibbons,130 Buckhold Road, Southfields, S.W.18._ + + +A Tip to a Prisoner + +The object of our raiding party near Gouzeaucourt in 1917 was to obtain +a prisoner. + +One plucky, but very much undersized, German machine gunner blazed away +at us until actually pounced upon. A Cockney who was well among the +leaders jumped down beside him, and heaving him up said: + +"Come on, old mate, you're too blinkin' good for this side!"--and then, +noticing his lack of inches, "and if yer wants ter make the 'old man' +larf tell him you're a 'Prussian Guard.'"--_Walter S. Johnson (late +R.W.F.), 29 Southwold Road, Upper Clapton, E.5._ + + +Cockney Logic + +Early in the war aeroplanes were not so common as they were later on, +and trench "strafing" from the air was practically unheard of. One +day two privates of the Middlesex Regiment were engaged in clearing +a section of front line trench near the La Bassee road when a German +plane came along and sprayed the trenches with machine-gun bullets. + +[Illustration: ...and they both went on digging] + +One of the men (both were typical Cockneys) looked up from his digging +and said: "Strike, there's a blinkin' aeroplane." + +The other took no notice but went on digging. + +By-and-by the machine came back, still firing, whereupon the speaker +again looked up, spat, and said: "Blimey, there's annuver of 'em." + +"No, 'tain't," was the reply, "it's the same blighter again." + +"Blimey," said the first man, "so 'tis." And both went on digging.--_W. +P. (late Middlesex Regt. and R.A.F.), Bucks._ + + +"Penalty, Ref!" + +It was a warm corner on the Givenchy front, with whizz-bangs dealing +out death and destruction. But it was necessary that communication be +maintained between the various H.Q.'s, and in this particular sector +"Alf," from Bow, and myself were detailed to keep the "lines" intact. + +Suddenly a whizz-bang burst above us as we were repairing some +shattered lines. We ducked instinctively, but friend "Alf" caught a bit +of the shell and was thrown to the bottom of the slushy trench. + +Being a football enthusiast he at once raised his arm in appeal, and, +with the spirit that wins wars, shouted, "Penalty, ref!" + +He was dazed, but unhurt.--_W. G. Harris (late Sergt., R.E.), 34 +Denmark Street, Watford._ + + +An Appointment with his Medical Adviser + +During the battle of the Ancre in November 1916 the 51st Division were +going over the top on our left while our battalion kept Jerry engaged +with a raid. Every inch of the rain-sodden landscape seemed to be +heaving beneath the combined barrages of the opposing forces. + +My sergeant, a D.C.M., had been lying in the trench badly wounded for +some hours waiting for things to ease up before he could be got down +to the dressing-station. Presently our raiding party returned with six +prisoners, among them an insignificant-looking German officer (who, +waving a map about, and jabbering wildly, seemed to be blaming his +capture to the faulty tactics of his High Command). + +The wounded sergeant watched these antics for a while with a grin, +driving the pain-bred puckers from his face, and then called out, "Oi, +'Indenburg! Never mind abaht ye map o' London; wot time does this 'ere +war end, 'cos I've got an appointment wiv my medical adviser!" + +Dear, brave old chap. His appointment was never kept.--_S. T. (late +37th Div.), Fulham, S.W.6._ + + +One Up, and Two to Go + +On the Struma front in 1917 a bombing plane was being put back into its +hangar. Suddenly there was a terrific bang. A dozen of us ran up to see +what had happened, but a Cockney voice from inside the hangar cried +out, "Don't come in. There's two more bombs to go off, and I can't find +'em."--_A. Dickinson, Brixton._ + + +On the Parados + +Dawn of a very hot day in September 1916 on the Balkan front. We were +in the enemy trenches at "Machine Gun Hill," a position hitherto +occupied by the Prussian Guards, who were there to encourage the +Bulgars. + +We had taken the position the previous evening with very little loss. +As the day broke we discovered that we were enfiladed on all sides +and overlooked by the Prussians not more than forty yards away. It +was impossible to evacuate wounded and prisoners or for reserves to +approach with food, water, and ammunition. The enemy counter-attacked +in overwhelming numbers; shells rained on us; our own were falling +short; it was suicide to show one's head. Towards noon, casualties +lying about. The sun merciless. Survivors thoroughly exhausted. Up +jumped a Cockney bomber. "Blimey, I can't stick this," and perched +himself on the parados. "I can see 'em; chuck some 'Mills' up." And as +fast as they were handed to him he pitched bombs into the Prussians' +midst, creating havoc. He lasted about three minutes, then fell, +riddled with bullets. He had stemmed the tide. + +Shortly afterwards we retired. His pluck was never recorded or +recognised, but his feat will never be forgotten by at least one of the +few who got through.--_George McCann, 50 Guilford Street, London, W._ + + +Not Croquet + +We were occupying a support line, early in 1918, and a party of us was +detailed to repair the barbed wire during the night. + +A Cockney found himself holding a stake while a Cornish comrade drove +it home with a mallet. + +Suddenly a shell exploded a few yards from the pair and both were very +badly wounded. + +When the Cockney recovered consciousness he was heard to remark to his +comrade in misfortune, "Blimey, yer wants to be more careful wiv that +there mallet; yer nearly 'it my 'and wiv it when that there firework +exploded."--_A. A. Homer, 16 Grove Place, Enfield Wash, Middlesex._ + + +Sausages and Mashed + +At the end of 1914 we were in the trenches in the Ypres Salient. As +we were only about 30 yards from the enemy lines, bombing went on all +day. The German bombs, shaped like a long sausage, could be seen coming +through the air. Our sentries, on the look-out for these, would shout: +"Sausage right!" or "Sausage left!" as they came over. + +One night we were strengthened by reinforcements, including several +Cockneys. The next morning one of our sentries saw a bomb coming +over and shouted "Sausage right!" There followed an explosion which +smothered two of our new comrades in mud and shreds of sandbag. One of +the two got up, with sackcloth twisted all round his neck and pack. +"'Ere, Bill, wot was that?" he asked one of our men. + +"Why, one of those sausages," Bill replied. + +"Lumme," said the new man, as he freed himself from the sacking, "I +don't mind the sausages, but," he added as he wiped the mud from his +eyes and face, "I don't like the mash."--_H. Millard (late East Surrey +Regt.), 3 Nevill Road, Stoke Newington, N._ + + +Cheery to the End + +We were lining up to go over in the Battle of Arras on April 9, 1917. +Ours being a Lancashire regiment, there were only two of us Cockneys in +our platoon. We were standing easy, waiting for the rum issue, and Tom, +my pal (we both came from Stratford), came over to me singing "Let's +all go down the Strand...." + +Most of the Lancashire lads were looking a bit glum, but it cheered +them up, and they all began to sing. I was feeling a bit gloomy myself, +and Tom, seeing this, said: "What's the matter with you, Jimmy?" + +"I suppose I'll see you in London Hospital next week, Tom," I said. + +"Oh, shut up," says he. "If Jerry sends one over and it's got our names +on it, why worry? And if we get a bad Blighty one, then I hopes they +buries us at Manor Park. Here, Jim, tie this disc round me neck." + +Then the rum came up, and he started them singing, "And another little +drink wouldn't do us any harm!" + +Off we went--and only ten minutes later he was gone. He was buried at +Blany, Arras, not Manor Park.--_J. Pugh (late 1st King's Own Royal +Lancasters), 27 Lizban Street, Blackheath, S.E.5._ + + +Souvenirs First + +The following incident took place during the Battle of Loos, September +1915. I had been to Battalion H.Q. with a message and whilst awaiting a +reply stood with others on "Harrow Road" watching our wounded go by. + +We frequently recognised wounded pals on the stretchers and inquired as +to the nature of their wounds. The usual form of inquiry was: "Hullo +---- what have you got?" In reply to this query one wounded man of our +battalion, ignoring his wound as being of lesser importance, proudly +answered: "Two Jerry helmets and an Iron Cross!"--_A. H. Bell (late +Private, 15th London Regt., T.F.), 31 Raeburn Avenue, Surbiton, Surrey._ + + +Seven Shies a Tanner! + +It was near Hebuterne and very early in the morning of July 1, 1916. A +terrific bombardment by both the Germans and ourselves was in progress +just prior to the launching of our Somme offensive. We were in assembly +trenches waiting for the dread zero hour. + +Away on our right some German guns were letting us have it pretty hot, +and in consequence the "troops" were not feeling in the best of spirits. + +With us was a very popular Cockney corporal. He took his tin hat from +off his head when the tension was high and, banging on it with his +bayonet, cried: "Roll up, me lucky lads! Seven shies a tanner! Who'll +'ave a go!" That bit of nonsense relieved the tension and enabled us to +pull ourselves together.--_A. V. B. (late 9th Londons), Guildford._ + + +Bill Hawkins Fights Them All + +Whilst on the Ypres front during the fighting in 1918 we made an +early-morning attack across the railway line in front of Dickebusch. +After going about fifty yards across No Man's Land my Cockney pal (Bill +Hawkins, from Stepney), who was running beside me, got a slight wound +in the arm, and before he had gone another two yards he got another +wound in the left leg. + +Suddenly he stopped, lifted his uninjured arm at the Germans and +shouted, "Blimey, wot yer all firing at me for? Am I the only blinkin' +man in this war?"--_S. Stevens (late Middlesex Regt., 2nd Battn.), 7 +Blenheim Street, Chelsea, S.W._ + + +Hide and Seek with Jerry + +To get information before the Somme offensive, the new idea of making +daylight raids on the German trenches was adopted. It fell to our +battalion to make the first big raid. + +Our objective was the "brick-fields" at Beaurains, near Arras, and our +orders were to take as many prisoners as possible, hold the trench +for half an hour, do as much damage as we could, and then return. A +covering barrage was put down, and over we went, one hundred strong. + +We got into Jerry's trench all right, but, owing to the many dug-outs +and tunnels, we could only find a few Germans, and these, having no +time to bolt underground, got out of the trench and ran to take cover +behind the kilns and brick-stacks. + +And then the fun began. While the main party of us got to work in the +trench, a few made after the men who had run into the brick-fields, and +it was a case of hide and seek, round and round and in and out of the +kilns and brick-stacks. + +Despite the seriousness of the situation, one chap, a Cockney, entered +so thoroughly into the spirit of the thing that when, after a lengthy +chase, he at last clapped a German on the shoulder, he shouted, "You're +'e!"--_E. W. Fellows, M.M. (late 6th D.C.L.I.), 35 Dunlace Road, +Clapton, E.5._ + + +Too Much for his Imagination + +In the platoon of cyclists I was posted to on the outbreak of war was +a Cockney--a "Charlie Chaplin" without the funny feet. If there was a +funny side to a thing, he saw it. + +One day, on the advance, just before the battle of the Marne, our +platoon was acting as part of the left flank guard when a number of +enemy cavalry were seen advancing over a ridge, some distance away. We +were ordered to dismount and extend. We numbered about sixteen, so our +line was not a long one. + +A prominent object was pointed out to us, judged at about 150 yards +away, and orders were given not to fire until the enemy reached that +spot. + +We could see that we were greatly outnumbered, and having to wait for +them to reach that spot seemed to double the suspense. Our leader was +giving commands one second and talking like a father the next. He said, +"Keep cool; each take a target; show them you are British. You have as +good a chance as they, and although they are superior in numbers they +have no other superior quality. I want you just to imagine that you +are on the range again, firing for your pay." Then our Cockney Charlie +chimed in with: "Yes, but we ain't got no bloomin' markers."--_S. Leggs +(late Rifle Brigade and Cyclists), 33 New Road, Grays, Essex._ + + +"Currants" for Bunn + +After we had taken part in the advance on the Somme in August 1916 my +battalion was ordered to rest at Bazentin. + +We had only been there a day or so when we were ordered to relieve +the Tyneside Scottish who were badly knocked about. Hardly had we +reached the front lines, when a little Cockney named Bunn (we never +knew how he carried his pack, he was so small) got hit. We called for +stretcher-bearers. + +When they put him on the stretcher and were carrying him down the line, +a doctor asked him his name. The Cockney looked up with a smile and +answered: "Bunn, sir, and the blighters have put some currants into me +this time." This gallant Cockney died afterwards.--_J. E. Cully (late +13th King's Royal Rifles), 76 Milkwood Road, S.E.24._ + + +The Driver to his Horse + +The artillery driver's affection for his own particular pair of +horses is well known. Our battery, in a particularly unhealthy spot +in front of Zillebeke, in the Salient, had run out of ammunition, and +the terrible state of the ground thereabout in the autumn of 1917 +necessitated the use of pack-horses to "deliver the goods," and even +then it was accomplished with difficulty. + +A little Cockney driver with a pair named Polly and Bill had loaded +up and was struggling through the mire. Three times Bill had dragged +him on to his knees and up to his waist in the slush when a big Fritz +shell dropped uncomfortably near. Polly, with a mighty rear, threw the +Cockney on to his back and, descending, struck him with a hoof. + +Fed up to the teeth and desperate, he struggled to his feet, covered +from head to feet in slime, and, clenching his fist, struck at the +trembling and frightened horse, unloading a brief but very vivid +description of its pedigree and probable future. + +Then, cooling off, he began to pacify the mare, apologised, and +pardoned her vice by saying, "Never mind, ole gal--I didn't mean ter +bash yer! I fought the uvver one was hot stuff, but, strike me pink, +you don't seem _'ooman_!"--_G. Newell (ex-Sergt., R.F.A.), 22 Queen +Road, St. Albans._ + + +Two Kinds of "Shorts" + +August 1916, Delville Wood. We had been brought specially from rest +camp to take the remainder of the wood, which was being stoutly +contested by the Germans and was holding up our advance. The usual +barrage, and over we went, and were met by the Germans standing on top +of their trenches. A fierce bombing fight began. The scrap lasted a +long time, but at last we charged and captured the trench. + +[Illustration: "Yus, yer needn't stare--I'm real."] + +One of our men, quite a small Cockney, captured a German about twice +his own size. The German was so surprised at being captured by a person +so insignificant looking that he stood and stared. Our Cockney, seeing +his amazement, said: "Yus, yer needn't stare, I'm real, and wot's more, +I got a good mind ter punch yer under the blinkin' ear fer spoiling me +rest!"--_F. M. Fellows, M.M. (late Corporal, 6th Batt. D.C.L.I), 33 +Dunlace Road, Clapton, E.5._ + + +Mespot--On 99 Years' Lease + +I was in Mesopotamia from 1916 till 1920, and after the Armistice was +signed there was still considerable trouble with the Arabs. + +In the summer of 1919 I, with a party of 23 other R.A.S.C. men, was +surrounded by the Arabs at an outpost that was like a small fort. We +had taken up supplies for troops stationed there. There were about 100 +Indian soldiers, and a few British N.C.O.'s in charge. + +It was no use "running the gauntlet." We were on a hill and kept the +Arabs at bay all day, also the next night. + +The next day all was quiet again, but in the afternoon an Arab rode +into the camp on horseback with a message, which he gave to the first +Tommy he saw. It happened to be one of our fellows, a proper Cockney. +He read the message--written in English--requesting us to surrender. + +Our Cockney pal said a few kind words to the Arab, and decided to send +a message back. + +He wrote this on the back of the paper: "Sorry, Mr. Shake. We have +only just taken the place, and we have got it on 99 years' lease. +Yours faithfully, Old Bill and Co., Ltd., London."--_W. Thurgood (late +R.A.S.C., M.T.), 46 Maldon Road, Southend-on-Sea, Essex._ + + +"Fro Something at Them!" + +There was a certain divisional commander in France who enjoyed a +popularity that was almost unique. He was quite imperturbable, whatever +the situation. + +Unfortunately, he had an impediment in his speech, and when first one +met him he was difficult to understand. But heaven help anyone who +asked him to repeat anything. A light would come into his eye, and he +would seize hold of his victim by the shoulder-strap and heave and tug +till it came off. + +"You'll understand me," he would say, "when I tell you your +shoulder-strap is undone!" + +The Division he commanded had just put up a wonderful fight just +south of Arras in the March '18 show, and, having suffered very heavy +casualties, were taken out of the line and put into a cushy front next +door to the Portuguese. + +The morning after they took over the Germans launched a heavy attack +on the Portuguese, who withdrew somewhat hurriedly, so that the whole +flank of the British division was open. + +The general was sitting eating his breakfast--he had been roused at +six by the bombardment--when an excited orderly came into the room and +reported that the Germans had got right in behind the Division and were +now actually in the garden of the general's chateau. + +The general finished drinking his cup of coffee, the orderly still +standing to attention, waiting instructions. + +"Then you had better 'fro' something at them--or shoo them away," said +the general.--_F. A. P., Cavalry Club, Piccadilly, W._ + + +Missed his Mouth-organ + +During the Battle of the Somme our trench-mortar battery was going back +after a few days' rest. It was very dark and raining. As we neared our +destination it appeared that Jerry and our chaps were having a real +argument. + +We were going up a road called "Queen's Hollow." Jerry was enfilading +us on both sides, and a rare bombing fight was going on at the farther +end of the Hollow--seventy or a hundred yards in front of us. We were +expecting to feel the smack of a bullet any moment, and there was a +terrible screeching and bursting of shells, with a few "Minnies" thrown +in. We were in a fine pickle, and I had just about had enough when +my pal (a lad from "The Smoke") nearly put me on my back by stopping +suddenly. + +"I don't like this, Bomb," he said. + +"What's wrong with you? Get on," I replied, "or we'll all be blown sky +high." + +"Oh, all right," he said, "but I wish I'd brought me mouf orgin. I +could then have livened fings up a bit."--_"Bombardier" (R.A.), late +T.M.B., 7th Division._ + + +Water-cooled + +There must be at least six men still alive who remember a certain +affair at Kemmel. During the latter part of April 1918 our machine +gunners had been having a bad time, and one old Cockney sergeant found +himself and his party isolated miles in front of our line. + +The cool way in which he gave orders, as he told his men to make +their way back--lying down for a bit, then making a run for another +shelter--would have been humorous if conditions had not been so +terrifying. + +He himself kept his gun working to protect their retreat, and when +he saw they had reached a place of safety he picked up his gun and +rejoined them unhurt. + +One of his men, describing the action afterwards, said, "Carried his +gun three miles--wouldn't part with it--and the first thing he did when +he was able to settle down quietly was to start cleaning the blessed +thing!"--_H. R. Tanner, "Romsdal," Newton Ferrers, S. Devon._ + + +Top-hatted Piper of Mons + +During the retreat from Mons it was a case of "going while the going +was good" until called upon to make a stand to harass the enemy's +advance. + +After the stand at Le Cateau, bad and blistered feet caused many to +stop by the wayside. Among these, in passing with my little squad, +I noticed a piper belonging to a Scottish regiment sitting with his +blistered feet exposed and his pipes lying beside him. Staff officers +were continually riding back and urging the parties of stragglers to +make an effort to push on before they were overtaken. + +In the late afternoon of this same day, having myself come up with my +unit, I was resting on the roadside when I heard the skirl of bagpipes. +Before long there came into sight, marching with a fair swing, too, +as motley a throng as one ever saw in the King's uniform. Headed by a +staff officer were about 150 men of all regiments with that same piper, +hatless and with one stocking, in front. + +Beside him was a Cockney of the Middlesex Regiment, with a silk hat +on his head, whose cheeks threatened to burst as he churned out the +strains of "Alexander's Rag-time Band" on the bagpipes. Being a bit +of a piper himself, he was giving "Jock" a lift and was incidentally +the means of fetching this little band away from the clutches of the +enemy.--_"Buster" Brown (late Bedfordshire Regt.), Hertford._ + + +Two Heads and a Bullet + +Early in 1916 ten of us were going up with rations--chiefly bread and +water. In one part of the trench there were no duckboards and the vile +mud was thigh-deep. + +Here we abandoned the trench and stumbled along, tripping over barbed +wire and falling headlong into shell-holes half-full of icy water. + +A German sniper was at work. Suddenly a bullet pinged midway between +the last two of the party. + +"Hear that?" said No. 9. "Right behind my neck!" + +"Yes," replied No. 10, "right in front of my bloomin' nose!"--_C. A. +Davies (late 23rd R. Fusiliers), 85 Saxton Street, Gillingham, Kent._ + + +Spoiling the Story + +We were billeted in the upper room of a corner house north of Albert, +and were listening to "Spoofer's" memories of days "dahn Walworf way." + +"Yus," he said, "I ses to the gal, 'Two doorsteps an' a bloater.'" + +At that moment a "coal-box" caught the corner of the house, bringing +down the angle of the wall and three-parts of the floor on which we had +squatted. + +Except for bruises, none of us was injured, and when the dust subsided +we saw "Spoofer" looking down at us from a bit of the flooring that +remained intact. + +"Yus," he continued, as though nothing had happened, "as I was saying, +I'd just called fer the bloater...." + +Came another "coal-box," which shook down the remainder of the floor +and with it "Spoofer." + +Struggling to his hands and knees, he said, "Blimey, the blinkin' +bloater's cold nah."--_F. Lates, 62 St. Ervan's Road, North +Kensington._ + + +Afraid of Dogs + +Towards the end of October 1918 I was out on patrol in front of Tournai +on a dark, windy night. I had a Cockney private with me, and we were +some distance from our lines when we heard a dog barking. All at once, +before I could stop him, the Cockney whistled it. + +I threw the Cockney down and dropped myself. A German Verey light went +up--followed by a hail of machine-gun bullets in our direction. As the +light spread out, we saw the dog fastened to a German machine-gun! We +lay very still, and presently, when things had quietened down, we slid +cautiously backwards until it was safe to get up. + +All the Cockney said was, "Crikey, corp, I had the wind up. A blinkin' +good job that there dawg was chained up. Why? 'Cause 'e might 'ave +bitten us. I allus was afeard o' dawgs."--_J. Milsun (late 1/5th +Battn., The King's Own 55th Div.), 31 Collingwood Road, Lexden, +Colchester._ + + +The Song of Battle + +At the first Gaza battle we had to advance 1,700 yards across a plain +in full view of the Turks, who hurled a terrific barrage at us. We were +in artillery formation, and we marched up until within rifle range. +With machine guns and artillery the Turks were depleting our ranks, so +that less than half of us were still marching on at 500 yards range. + +In my section was the Cockney "funny man" of the company. When things +were bad, and we were all wondering how long we would survive, he began +singing lustily a song which someone had sung at our last concert party +behind the lines, the refrain of which was "I've never heard of anybody +dying from kissing, have you?" + +Before he had started on the second line nearly everyone was singing +with him, and men were killed singing that song. To the remainder of us +it acted like a tonic. + +Good old Jack, when he was wounded later he must have been in terrible +pain, yet he joked so that at first we would not believe he was +seriously hit. He shouted, "Where is 'e?--let me get at 'im."--_J. T. +Jones (late 54th Division), 37 Whittaker Road, East Ham, E.6._ + + +Stalls at "Richthofen's Circus" + +A New Zealander was piloting an old F.E. 2B (pusher) 'plane up and down +over the lines, observing for the artillery, when he got caught by +"Richthofen's Circus." + +The petrol tank behind the pilot's seat was set on fire and burning oil +poured past him into the observer's cockpit ahead and the clothes of +both men started to sizzle. + +They were indeed in a warm situation, their one hope being to dive into +Zillebeke Lake, which the New Zealander noticed below. By the time they +splashed into the water machine and men were in flames; and, moreover, +when they came up the surface surrounding them was aflame with the +burning oil. + +Treading water desperately and ridding themselves of their heavy sodden +flying coats, they made a last bid for life by swimming under water, +that flaming water, and at last, half-dead, reached the bank. + +There a strong arm gripped the New Zealander by the scruff of the neck +and he was hauled to safety, dimly aware of a hoarse voice complaining +bitterly, "Ours is the best hid battery in this sector, the only +unspotted battery. You _would_ choose just 'ere to land, wouldn't yer, +and give the bloomin' show away?" + +Our Cockney battery sergeant-major had, no doubt, never heard of Hobson +or his choice.--_E. H. Orton, 9 High Grove, Welwyn Garden City, Herts._ + + +"Butter-Fingers!" + +A Cockney infantryman of the 47th Division was on the fire-step on the +night preceding the attack at Loos. He was huddled up in a ground-sheet +trying to keep cheerful in the drizzle. + +Suddenly a British 12-in. shell passed over him, and as he heard its +slow rumble he muttered, "Catch that one, you blighters." + +Just then it burst, and with a chuckle he added, "Oh, butter-fingers, +yer dropped it!"--_Henry J. Tuck (late Lt., R.G.A.)._ + + +Getting into Hot Water + +We were in the front line, and one evening a Battersea lad and myself +were ordered to go and fetch tea for the company from the cook-house, +which was in Bluff Trench. It was about a mile from the line down a +"beautiful" duckboard track. + +With the boiling tea strapped to our backs in big containers, both +of which leaked at the nozzles, we started for the line. Then Jerry +started sniping at us. There came from the line a sergeant, who +shouted, "Why don't you lads duck?" "That's right," replied my chum. +"D'yer fink we wants ter be scalded to death?"--_H. G. Harrap (23rd +London Regiment), 25 Renfrew Road, S.E._ + +[Illustration: "D'yer fink we wants ter be scalded ter death?"] + + + + +2. LULL + + +Rate of Exchange--on Berlin + +With four Cockney comrades of the Rifle Brigade, during 1915 at +Fleurbaix, I was indulging in a _quiet_ game of nap in the front line. + +One man dropped out, "broke to the wide." Being an enthusiastic card +player, he offered various articles for sale, but could find no buyers. +At last he offered to _find_ a Jerry prisoner and sell him for a franc. + +He was absent for some time, but eventually turned up with his hostage, +and, the agreement being duly honoured, he recommenced his game with +his fresh capital. + +All the players came through alive, their names being J. Cullison, F. +Bones, A. White, W. Deer (the first-named playing leading part), and +myself.--_F. J. Chapman (late 11th Batt. Rifle Brigade), 110 Beckton +Road, Victoria Docks, E.16._ + + +A Hen Coup + +During the retreat from Mons strict orders were issued against looting. +One day an officer, coming round a corner, discovered a stalwart +Cockney Tommy in the act of wringing the neck of an inoffensive-looking +chicken. The moment the Tommy caught sight of his officer he was heard +to murmur to the chicken, "Would yer, yer brute!" Quite obviously, +therefore, the deed had been done in self-defence.--_The Rev. T. K. +Lowdell, Church of St. Augustine, Lillie Road, Fulham, S.W.6._ + + +A "Baa-Lamb" in the Trenches + +The "dug-out" was really a hole scraped in the side of a trench leading +up to the front line and some 50 yards from it. It was October '16 on +the Somme, after the weather had broken. The trench was about two feet +deep in liquid mud--a delightful thoroughfare for runners and other +unfortunate ones who had to use it. + +The officer in the dug-out heard the _splosh--splosh--splosh_ ... of a +single passenger coming up the trench. As the splosher drew abreast the +dug-out the officer heard him declaiming to himself: "Baa! baa! I'm a +blinkin' lamb lorst in the ruddy wilderness. Baa! baa!..." + +And when the bleating died away the _splosh--splosh--splosh_ ... grew +fainter too, as the "lamb" was lost in the night.--_L. W. Martinnant, +64 Thornsbeach Road, Catford, S.E.6._ + + +He Coloured + +When serving with the Artists' Rifles in France we went into the line +to relieve the "Nelsons" of the 63rd (Royal Naval) Division. + +As I was passing one of their men, a regular "Ole Bill," who was seated +on the fire-step, I heard him say, "Artists' Rifles, eh; I wonder if +any of you chaps would _paint_ me a plate of 'am and eggs!"--_R. C. +Toogood, 43 Richmond Park Avenue, Bournemouth._ + + +Why the Fat Man Laughed + +During the winter of 1914-15 the trenches were just like canals of +sloppy mud, and dug-outs were always falling in. To repair the dug-outs +pit-props were used, but they often had to be carried great distances +up communication trenches, and were very difficult to handle. The most +popular way to carry a prop was to rest one end on the left shoulder of +one man and the other end on the right shoulder of the man behind. + +On one occasion the leading man was short and fat, and the rear man was +tall and thin. Suddenly the front man slipped and the prop fell down +in the mud and splashed the thin man from head to foot. To add to his +discomfort the little fat man gave a hearty laugh. + +"Can't see anything to larf at, mate," said the mud-splashed hero, +looking down at himself. + +"I'm larfing," said the little fat Cockney, "'cos I've just remembered +that I tipped the recruiting sergeant a bloomin' tanner to put me name +down fust on his list so as I'd get out here quick."--_A. L. Churchill +(late Sergt., Worcs. Regt.), 6 Long Lane, Blackheath, Staffs._ + + +He Met Shackleton! + +The troops in North Russia, in the winter of 1918-19, were equipped +with certain additional articles of clothing designed on the same +principles as those used on Antarctic expeditions. Among these were +what were known as "Shackleton boots," large canvas boots with thick +leather soles. These boots were not at all suitable for walking on hard +snow, being very clumsy, and they were very unpopular with everyone. + +The late Sir Ernest Shackleton was sent out by the War Office to give +advice on matters of clothing, equipment, and so on. When he arrived at +Archangel he went up to a sentry whose beat was in front of a warehouse +about three steps up from the road, and said to him, "Well, my man, +what do you think of the Shackleton boot?" + +To this the sentry replied: "If I could only meet the perishing +blighter wot invented them I'd very soon show----" + +Before he could complete the sentence his feet, clad in the ungainly +boots, slipped on the frozen snow, and slithering down the steps on +his back, he shot into Sir Ernest and the two of them completed the +discussion on Shackleton boots rolling over in the snow!--_K. D., +Elham, near Canterbury._ + + +Domestic Scene: Scene, Bethune + +Near the front line at Bethune in I917 was a farm which had been +evacuated by the tenants, but there were still some cattle and other +things on it. We were, of course, forbidden to touch them. + +One day we missed one of our fellows, a Cockney, for about two hours, +and guessed he was on the "scrounge" somewhere or other. + +[Illustration: "... only taking the kid and the dawg for a bit of a +blow."] + +Eventually he was seen coming down the road pushing an old-fashioned +pram loaded with cabbages, and round his waist there was a length of +rope, to the other end of which was tied an old cow. + +You can imagine what a comical sight it was, but the climax came when +he was challenged by the corporal, "Where the devil have you been?" +"Me?" he replied innocently. "I only bin takin' the kid and the dawg +for a bit of a blow."--_A. Rush (late 4th Batt. R. Fus.), 27 Milton +Road, Wimbledon._ + + +Getting Their Bearings + +It was on the Loos front. One night a party of us were told off for +reconnoitring. On turning back about six of us, with our young officer, +missed our way and, after creeping about for some 15 minutes, a +message came down, "Keep very quiet, we are nearly in the German lines." + +I passed on the message to the chap behind me, who answered in anything +but a whisper, "Thank 'eaven we know where we are at last."--_H. Hutton +(late 16th Lancers, attached Engineers), Marlborough Road, Upper +Holloway._ + + +High Tea + +During the winter of 1917-18 I was serving with my battery of Field +Artillery in Italy. We had posted to us a draft of drivers just out +from home, and one of them, seeing an observation balloon for the first +time, asked an old driver what it was. + +"Oh, that," replied the old hand, who hailed from Hackney--"that is +the Air Force canteen!"--_M. H. Cooke (late "B" Battery, 72nd Brigade, +R.F.A.), Regency Street, Westminster._ + + +Lots in a Name + +Salonika, mid-autumn, and torrents of rain. The battalion, changing +over to another front, had trekked all through the night. An hour +before dawn a halt was called to bivouac on the reverse slope of a hill +until the journey could be completed in the darkness of the following +night. + +Orderlies from each platoon were collecting blankets from their company +pack mules. Last of them all was a diminutive Cockney, who staggered +off in the darkness with his load perched on his head. Slowly and +laboriously, slipping backwards at almost every step, he stumbled +and slithered up hill in the ankle-deep mud. Presently he paused for +breath, and took advantage of the opportunity to relieve his feelings +in these well-chosen words: "All I can say is, the bloke as christened +this 'ere perishin' place Greece was about blinking well right."--_P. +H. T. (26th Division)._ + + +Gunga Din the Second + +After the battle of Shaikh Sa'Ad in Mesopotamia in January 1916 more +than 300 wounded were being transported down the Tigris to Basra in a +steamer and on open barges lashed on either side of it. Many suffered +from dysentery as well as wounds--and it was raining. + +There appeared to be only one Indian bhisti (water-carrier), an old +man over 60 years of age, to attend to all. He was nearly demented +in trying to serve everyone at once. When my severely wounded +neighbour--from Camberwell, he said--saw the bhisti, his welcome made +us smile through our miseries. + +"Coo! If it ain't old Gunga Din! Wherever 'ave yer bin, me old brown +son? Does yer muvver know yer aht?"--_A. S. Edwardes (late C.S.M., 1st +Seaforth Highlanders), West Gate, Royal Hospital, Chelsea, S.W.3._ + + +A Fag fer an 'Orse + +Late one afternoon towards the end of 1917, on the Cambrai sector, +enemy counter-attacks had caused confusion behind our lines, and as I +was walking along a road I met a disconsolate-looking little Cockney +infantryman leading a large-size horse. He stopped me and said, "Give +us a fag, mate, and I'll give yer an 'orse." + +[Illustration: "Give us a fag and I'll give yer an 'orse."] + +I gathered that he had found the horse going spare and was taking it +along with him for company's sake.--_H. J. Batt (late Royal Fusiliers), +21 Whitehall Park Road, W.4._ + + +Put to Graze + +It was at the siege of Kut, when the 13th ("Iron") Division was trying +to relieve that gallant but hard-pressed body of men under General +Townshend. Rations had been very low for days, and the battery had been +digging gun-pits in several positions, till at last we had a change +of position and "dug in" to stay a bit. What with bad water, digging +in, and hardly any food, the men were getting fed up generally. An +order came out to the effect that "A certain bunchy grass (detailed +explanation) if picked and boiled would make a very nourishing meal." +One hefty Cockney, "Dusty" Miller, caused a laugh when he vented +his feelings with "'Struth, and nah we got ter be blinking sheep. +Baa-Baa!"--_E. J. Bates (late R.F.A.), 37 Ulverscroft Road, E. Dulwich._ + + +Smith's Feather Pillow + +The boys had "rescued" a few hens from a deserted farm. The morning was +windy and feathers were scattered in the mud. + +Picquet officer (appearing from a corner of the trench): "What's the +meaning of all these feathers, Brown?" + +Brown: "Why, sir, Smiff wrote 'ome sayin' 'e missed 'is 'ome comforts, +an' 'is ma sent 'im a fevver piller; an' 'e's so mad at our kiddin' +that 'e's in that dug-out tearin' it to bits."--_John W. Martin, 16 +Eccles Road, Lavender Hill, S.W.11._ + + +Bombs and Arithmetic + +We were in the trenches in front of Armentieres in the late summer of +1916. It was a fine, quiet day, with "nothing doing." I was convinced +that a working party was busy in a section of the German trenches right +opposite. + +Just then "O. C. Stokes" came along with his crew and their little +trench gun. I told him of my "target," and suggested that he should try +a shot with his Stokes mortar. Glad of something definite to do, he +willingly complied. + +The Stokes gun was set down on the floor of the trench just behind my +back, as I stood on the fire-step to observe the shoot. + +I gave the range. The gun was loaded. There was a faint pop, a slight +hiss--then silence. Was the bomb going to burst in the gun and blow us +all to bits? I glanced round apprehensively. A perfectly calm Cockney +voice from one of the crew reassured me: + +"It's orl right, sir! If it don't go off while yer counts five--_you'll +know it's a dud!_"--_Capt. T. W. C. Curd (late 20th Northumberland +Fusiliers), 72 Victoria Street, S.W.1._ + + +Help from Hindenburg + +I was serving with the M.G.C. at Ecoust. Two men of the Middlesex +Regiment had been busy for a week digging a sump hole in the exposed +hollow in front of the village and had excavated to a depth of about +eight feet. A bombardment which had continued all night became so +severe about noon of the next day that orders were given for all to +take what cover was available. It was noticed that the two men were +still calmly at work in the hole, and I was sent to warn them to take +shelter. They climbed out, and as we ran over the hundred yards which +separated us from the trench a high explosive shell landed right in +the hole we had just left, converting it into a huge crater. One of +the men turned to me and said, "Lumme, mate, if old Hindenburg ain't +been and gone and finished the blooming job for us!"--_J. S. F., +Barnet, Herts._ + + +Raised his Voice--And the Dust + +In the early part of 1917, while the Germans were falling back to the +Hindenburg line on the Somme, trench warfare was replaced by advanced +outposts for the time being. Rations were taken up to the company +headquarters on mules. + +[Illustration: "S'sh. For 'eaven's sake be quiet."] + +Another C.Q.M.S. and I were going up with mules one night and lost our +way. We wandered on until a voice from a shell-hole challenged us. +_We had passed the company headquarters and landed among the advanced +outposts._ + +The chap implored us to be quiet, and just as we turned back one of the +mules chose to give the Germans a sample of his vocal abilities. + +The outpost fellow told us what he thought of us. The transport chap +leading the mule pulled and tugged, using kind, gentle words as drivers +do. + +And in the midst of it all my C.Q.M.S. friend walked up to the mule, +holding his hands up, and whispered: "S-sh! For 'eaven's sake be +quiet."--_F. W. Piper (ex-Sherwood Foresters), 30 The Crescent, +Watford, Herts._ + + +Mademoiselle from--Palestine + +After the fall of Gaza our battalion, on occupying a Jewish colony in +the coastal sector which had just been evacuated by the Turks, received +a great ovation from the overjoyed inhabitants. + +[Illustration: "Mademoiselle from Ah-my-Tears."] + +One of our lads, born well within hearing of Bow Bells, was effusively +greeted by a Hebrew lady of uncertain age, who warmly embraced him and +kissed him on each cheek. + +Freeing himself, and gesticulating in the approved manner, he turned to +us and said: "Strike me pink! Mademoiselle from Ah-my-tears."--_Edward +Powell, 80 Cavendish Road, Kentish Town, N.W._ + + +"Ally Toot Sweet" + +At the latter end of September 1914 the 5th Division was moving +from the Aisne to La Bassee and a halt was made in the region of +Crepy-en-Valois, where a large enemy shell was found (dud). + +[Illustration: "Ally toot sweet. If this shell goes orf...."] + +A Cockney private was posted to keep souvenir hunters from tampering +with it. When he received his dinner he sat straddle-legged on the +shell, admired by a few French children, whom he proceeded to address +as follows: "Ally! Toot sweet, or you'll get blown to 'ell if this +blinkin' shell goes orf."--_E. P. Ferguson, "Brecon," Fellows Road, S. +Farnborough, Hants._ + + +Luckier than the Prince + +In the autumn of 1916, while attending to the loading of ammunition at +Minden Post, a driver suddenly exclaimed, "'Struth, Quarter; who's the +boy officer with all the ribbons up?" + +Glancing up, I recognised the Prince of Wales, quite unattended, +pushing a bicycle through the mud. + +When I told the driver who the officer really was, the reply came +quickly: "Blimey, I'm better off than he is; they _have_ given me a +horse to ride."--_H. J. Adams (ex.--B.Q.M.S., R.F.A.), Highclare, +Station Road, Hayes, Middlesex._ + + +A Jerry he _Couldn't_ Kill + +During a patrol in No Man's Land at Flesquieres we were between a +German patrol and their front line, but eventually we were able to get +back. I went to our Lewis gun post and told them Jerry had a patrol +out. I was told: "One German came dahn 'ere last night--full marchin' +order." "Didn't you ask him in?" I said. "No. Told him to get out of +it. You can't put a Lewis gun on one man going on leave," was the +reply.--_C. G. Welch, 109 Sayer Street, S.E.17._ + + +"Q" for Quinine + +In the autumn of 1917, on the Salonika front, we were very often +short of bread, sugar, etc., the reason, we were told by the +Quartermaster-Sergeant, being that the boats were continually sunk. + +At this time the "quinine parade" was strictly enforced, because of +malaria, which was very prevalent. + +One day we were lined up for our daily dose, which was a very strong +and unpleasant one, when one of our drivers, a bit of a wag, was heard +to say to the M.O.: "Blimey! the bread boat goes dahn, the beef boat +goes dahn, the rum and sugar boat goes dahn, but the perishin' quinine +boat always gets 'ere."--_R. Ore (100 Brigade, R.F.A.), 40 Lansdowne +Road, Tottenham, N.17._ + + +Blinkin' Descendant of Nebuchadnezzar + +While stationed at Pozieres in 1917 I was mate to our Cockney cook, +who, according to Army standards, was something of an expert in the +culinary art. + +One day a brass hat from H.Q., who was visiting the unit, entered the +mess to inquire about the food served to the troops. + +"They 'as stew, roast, or boiled, wiv spuds and pudden to follow," said +cook, bursting with pride. + +"Do you give them any vegetables?" asked the officer. + +"No, sir, there ain't none issued in the rations." + +"No vegetables! What do you mean?--there are tons growing about here +waiting to be picked. Look at all those dandelions--they make splendid +greens. See that some are put in the stew to-morrow." With which +illuminating information he retired. + +Followed a few moments' dead silence. Then the Cockney recovered from +the shock. + +"Lumme, mate, what did 'e say? Dandelions? 'E must be a blinkin' +descendant of Nebuchadnezzar!"--_R. J. Tiney (late Sapper, R.E. +Signals, 10th Corps), 327 Green Lanes, Finsbury Park, N._ + + +Well-Cut Tailoring + +Back from a spell behind Ypres in 1915, a few of us decided to scrounge +round for a hair-cut. We found a shop which we thought was a barber's, +but it turned out to be a tailor's. We found out afterwards! + +[Illustration: "My old girl will swear I bin in fer a stretch...."] + +Still, the old Frenchman made a good job of it--just as though someone +had shaved our heads. My Cockney pal, when he discovered the truth, +exclaimed: "Strike, if I go 'ome like this my old girl will swear I bin +in fer a stretch."--_F. G. Webb (late Corpl., Middlesex Regiment), 38 +Andover Road, Twickenham._ + + +Evacuating "Darby and Joan" + +Things were going badly with the town of Albert, and all day the +inhabitants had been streaming from the town. On horse, on foot, and in +all manner of conveyances they hastened onwards.... + +Towards evening, when the bombardment was at its height and the roads +were being plastered with shells, an old man tottered into sight +pulling a crazy four-wheeled cart in which, perched amidst a pile of +household goods, sat a tiny, withered lady of considerable age. As the +couple reached the point where I was standing, the old man's strength +gave out and he collapsed between the shafts. + +It seemed all up with them, as the guns were already registering on the +only exit from the town when, thundering round a bend in the road, came +a transport limber with driver and spare man. On seeing the plight of +the old people, the driver pulled up, dismounted and, together with his +partner, surveyed the situation. + +"What are we going to do with Darby and Joan?" asked the driver. "We +can't get them and all their clobber in the limber and, if I know 'em, +they won't be parted from their belongings." + +"'Ook 'em on the back," replied the spare man. Sure enough, the old man +was lifted into the limber and the old lady's four-wheeler tied on the +back. + +Off they went at the gallop, the old lady's conveyance dragging like +a canoe in the wake of the _Mauretania_. The heroic Cockney driver, +forcing his team through the din and debris of the bombardment, was +now oblivious to the wails of distress; his mind was back on his duty; +he had given the old people a chance of living a little longer--that +was all he could do: and so he turned a deaf ear to the squeals and +lamentations that each fresh jolt and swerve wrung from the terrified +antiquity he was towing. + +Shells dropped all around them on their career through the town until +it seemed that they must "go under." However, they appeared again +and again, after each cloud cleared, and in the end I saw the little +cavalcade out of the town and danger.--_N. E. Crawshaw (late 15th +London Regt.), 4 Mapleton Road, Southfields, S.W.18._ + + +"Why ain't the Band Playing?" + +I served with the 11th London Regiment in Palestine. One day our +officer paid us a visit at dinner-time to find out if there were any +complaints. While we were endeavouring to find the meat at the bottom +of the spoilt water we heard a voice say: "Any complaints?" One of the +platoon, not seeing the officer, thought the remark was a joke, so he +replied, "Yes, why ain't the band playing?" On realising it was an +official request he immediately corrected himself and said: "Sorry, +sir, no complaints." + +I rather think the officer enjoyed the remark.--_F. G. Palmer, 29 +Dumbarton Road, Brixton, S.W.2._ + + +His Deduction + +Our battalion, fresh from home, all nicely groomed and with new kit, +stepped out whistling "Tipperary." We were on the road to Loos. +Presently towards us came a pathetic procession of wounded men +struggling back, some using their rifles as crutches. + +Our whistling had ceased; some faces had paled. Not a word was spoken +for quite a while, until my Cockney pal broke the silence, remarking, +"Lumme, I reckon there's been a bit of a row somewhere."--_Charles +Phillips (late Middlesex Regt.), 108 Grosvenor Road, Ilford._ + + +Peter in the Pool + +We had advanced beyond the German first line in the big push of '18. +The rain was heavy, the mud was deep; we had not quite dug in beyond +"shallow," and rations had not come up--altogether a most dismal +prospect. + +Quite near to us was a small pool of water which we all attempted to +avoid when passing to and fro. Suddenly there was a yell and much +cursing--the Cockney of the company, complete with his equipment, had +fallen into the pool. + +After recovering dry ground he gazed at the pool in disgust and said, +"Fancy a fing like that trying to drahn a bloke wiv a name like +Peter."--_J. Carlton, Bayswater Court, St. Stephen's Court, W.2._ + + +Where "Movie" Shows Cost Soap + +We landed in North Russia in June 1918. We were piloted in on the _City +of Marseilles_ to a jetty. We did not know the name of the place. On +the jetty we saw from the boat a British marine on sentry duty. We +shouted down to him, "Where are we, mate?" He answered "Murmansk." + +We asked, "What sort of place," and he shouted, "Lumme, you've come to +a blighted 'ole 'ere. They 'ave one picture palace and the price of +admission is a bar of soap."--_M. C. Oliver (late Corporal R.A.F.), 99, +Lealand Road, Stamford Hill, N.16._ + + +Sherlock Holmes in the Desert + +In the autumn of 1917, when training for the attack on Beersheba, in +Palestine, we were encamped in bivouacs in the desert. + +The chief meal of the day was served in the cool of the evening and +more often than not consisted of bully beef stew. + +One evening the Orderly Officer approached the dixie, looked into it, +and seeing it half full of the usual concoction, remarked, "H'm, stew +this evening." + +At once there came a voice, that of a Cockney tailor, from the nearest +bivouac--"My dear Watson!"--_R. S. H. (late 16th County of London +Q.W.R.), Purley, Surrey._ + + +The Army "Loops the Loop" + +The road from Jerusalem to Jericho was very bad, and if you went too +close to the edge you were likely to go over the precipice; indeed, +many lives were lost in this way. + +[Illustration: "I'll bet I'm the first bloke to loop the loop in a +lorry."] + +One day a lorry toppled over and fell at least a hundred feet. When the +rescuers got down to it, expecting to find a mangled corpse, they were +surprised to hear a well-known Cockney voice from under the debris, +exclaiming: "Blimey, I'll bet I'm the first bloke in the whole Army +wot's looped the loop in a motor-lorry."--_Sidney H. Rothschild, York +Buildings, Adelphi, W.C.2._ + + +Repartee on the Ridge + +While on the Vimy Ridge sector I was going one dark night across the +valley towards the front line when I lost my way among the mud and +shell-holes. Hearing voices, I shouted an inquiry as to the whereabouts +of Gabriel Trench. Back came the reply: "Lummie, mate, I ain't the +blinkin' harbourmaster!"--_T. Gillespie (late Mining Company, R.E.), +London._ + + +A New Kind of "Missing" + +A battalion of the 47th London Division was making its first journey to +the front line at Givenchy. + +As we were proceeding from Bethune by the La Bassee Canal we passed +another crowd of the same Division who had just been relieved. We +were naturally anxious to know what it was like "up there," and the +following conversation took place in passing: + +"What's it like, mate?" + +"All right." + +"Had any casualties?" + +"Yes, mate, two wounded, and a bloke lost 'is 'at."--_F. G. Nawton, +(ex-Major 15th Batt. M.G.C., 2 Kenton Park Road, Kenton, Middlesex)._ + + +And it Started with a Hen Raid! + +While we were behind the line in March 1918 some chickens were stolen +from the next village and traced to our billet by the feathers. + +As the culprits could not be found our O.C. punished the whole company +by stopping our leave for six months. + +A few days later we "moved up" just as Jerry broke through further +south. The orderly sergeant one night read out orders, which finished +up with Sir Douglas Haig's famous dispatch ending with the words: +"All leave is now stopped throughout the Army till further orders." +Thereupon a tousled head emerged from a blanket on the floor with this +remark: "Blimey, they mean to find out who pinched those blinking +chickens."--_J. Slack, 157 Engadine Street, Southfields, S.W.18._ + + +"I'm a Water-Lily" + +This incident took place on the Neuve Chapelle front early in 1916. + +Our platoon was known as the "Divisional Drainers," for it was our job +to keep the trenches as free from water as possible. + +One day, while we were working in a very exposed drain about three feet +deep, Jerry was unusually active with his whizz-bangs, and we were +repeatedly shelled off the job. During one of our periodical "dives" +for cover, one of the boys (a native of Canning Town) happened to be +"left at the post," and instead of gaining a dry shelter was forced to +fling himself in the bottom of the drain, which had over two feet of +weedy water in it. + +Just as he reappeared, with weeds and things clinging to his head and +shoulders, an officer came to see if we were all safe. + +On seeing our weed-covered chum he stopped and said, "What's the +matter, Johnson? Got the wind up?" + +Johnson, quick as lightning, replied, "No, sir; camouflage. I'm a +water-lily."--_F. Falcuss (late 19th Batt. N.F.), 51, Croydon Grove, +West Croydon._ + + +Not Knowin' the Language + +A team of mules in November 1916 was taking a double limber up to the +line in pitch darkness on the Bethune-La Bassee road. A heavy strafe +was on, and the road was heavily shelled at intervals from Beavry +onwards. + +On the limber was a newly-joined padre huddled up, on his way to join +advanced battalion headquarters. A shell burst 60 yards ahead, and the +mules reared; some lay down, kicked over the traces, and the wheel pair +managed to get their legs over the centre pole of the limber. + +[Illustration: "Would you mind trekkin' off up the road?"] + +There was chaos for a few minutes. Then the padre asked the wheel +driver in a very small voice, "My man, can I do anything to assist you?" + +"Assist us," was the reply. "Yes, you can. Would you mind, sir, +trekkin' off up the road, so as we can use language these blighters +understand?"--_L. C. Hoffenden (late 483rd Field Co. R.E.), +"Waltonhurst," 16 Elmgate Gardens, Edgware._ + + +Churning in the Skies + +After returning from a night's "egg-laying" on Jerry's transport lines +and dumps, my brother "intrepid airman" and I decided on tea and toast. +To melt a tin of ration butter which was of the consistency of glue +we placed it close to the still hot engine of the plane. Unknown to +us, owing to the slant of the machine, the tin slipped backwards and +spilled a goodly proportion of its melted contents over the propeller +at the back. (Our planes were of the "pusher" type.) + +Next day as we strolled into the hangar to look the bus over we found +our Cockney mechanic, hands on hips, staring at the butter-splattered +propeller. + +"Sufferin' smoke, sir," he said to me, with a twinkle, "wherever was +you flyin' lars' night--_through the milky way_?"--_Ralph Plummer (late +102 Squadron R.A.F. Night-Bombers), Granville House, Arundel Street, +Strand._ + + +Larnin' the Mule + +[Illustration: "Now p'raps you'll know!"] + +On the Somme I saw a Cockney driver having trouble with an obstinate +mule. At last he got down from his limber and, with a rather vicious +tug at the near-side rein said, "That's your left," and, tugging the +off rein, "that's your right--now p'raps you'll know!"--_E. B. (late +Gunner, R.G.A.), Holloway Road, N.7._ + + +"Dr. Livingstone, I Presoom" + +Early in 1915 one of our Q.M. Sergeants was sent to Cairo to collect +a gang of native labourers for work in the brigade lines. Whilst at +breakfast one morning we saw him return from the train at Ismailia, +leading a long column of fellaheen (with their wives and children) all +loaded with huge bundles, boxes, cooking pots, etc., on their heads. + +The Q.M.S., who was wearing a big white "solar topi" of the mushroom +type instead of his regulation military helmet, was greeted outside our +hut by the R.S.M., and as they solemnly shook hands a Cockney voice +behind me murmured: "Doctor Livingstone, I presoom?" The picture was +complete!--_Yeo Blake (1st County of London Yeomanry), Brighton._ + + +The Veteran Scored + +One morning, while a famous general was travelling around the +Divisional Headquarters, his eagle eye spotted an old war hero, a +Londoner, whose fighting days were over, and who now belonged to the +Labour Corps, busy on road repairs. The fact was also noticed that +although within the gas danger-zone the old veteran had broken standing +orders by not working with his gas mask in position. + +Accordingly the Corps Commander stopped his car and, getting out, +started off in his own familiar way as follows: + +C. C.: Good morning, my man; do you know who is speaking to you? + +O. V.: No, sir! + +C. C.: I am your Corps Commander, Sir ----, etc. + +O. V.: Yes, sir. + +C. C.: I'm pleased to have this opportunity of talking to one of my men. + +O. V.: Yes, sir. + +C. C.: I see you are putting your back into your work. + +O. V.: Yes, sir. + +C. C.: I also notice that you have evidently left your gas mask behind. + +O. V.: Yes, sir. + +C. C.: Now supposing, my man, a heavy gas cloud was now coming down +this road towards you. What would you do? + +O. V. (after a few moments' pause): Nothing, sir. + +C. C.: What! Why not, my good man? + +O. V.: Because the wind is the wrong way, sir. + +Exit C. C.--_T. J. Gough, Oxford House, 13 Dorset Square, N.W.1._ + + +Old Moore Was Right + +One of my drivers, a Cockney, called one of his horses Old Moore--"'cos +'e knows every blinkin' fing like _Old Moore's Almanac_." + +One evening, as we were going into the line, we were halted by a staff +officer and warned of gas. Orders were given at once to wear gas +helmets. (A nose-bag gas-mask had just been issued for horses.) + +After a while I made my way to the rear of the column to see how things +were. I was puffing and gasping for breath, when a cheery voice called +out, "Stick it, sargint." + +Wondering how any man could be so cheery in such circumstances, I +lifted my gas helmet, and lo! there sat my Cockney driver, with his +horses' masks slung over his arm and his own on top of his head like a +cap-comforter. + +"Why aren't you wearing your gas helmet?" I asked. + +He leaned over the saddle and replied, in a confidential whisper, "Old +Moore chucked his orf, so there ain't no blinkin' gas abaht--_'e_ +knows." + +We finished the rest of that journey in comfort. Old Moore had +prophesied correctly.--_S. Harvey (late R.F.A.), 28 Belmont Park Road, +Leyton, E.10_. + + +He Wouldn't Insult the Mule + +One day, while our Field Ambulance was on the Dorian front, Salonika, +our new colonel and the regimental sergeant-major were visiting the +transport lines. They came across a Cockney assiduously grooming a pair +of mules--rogues, both of them. + +[Illustration: "... because I didn't want to hurt his feelings."] + +Said the R.S.M.: "Well, Brown, what are the names of your mules?" + +Brown: "Well, that one is Ananias, because his looks are all lies. This +one is Satan, but I nearly called him something else. It was a toss-up." + +With a smile at the C.O., the sergeant-major remarked: "I would like to +know what the other name was. Tell the colonel, what was it?" + +Brown: "Well, I was going to call him 'Sergeant-Major,' but I didn't +want to hurt his feelings."--_"Commo" (ex-Sergeant, R.A.M.C.), London, +N.1_. + + +"Don't Touch 'em, Sonny!" + +We had just come back from Passchendaele, that land of two options--you +could walk on the duck boards and get blown off or you could step off +them yourself and get drowned in the shell-holes. + +A draft from home had made us up to strength, and when Fritz treated +us to an air raid about eight miles behind the line I am afraid he was +almost ignored. Anyway, our Cockney sergeant was voicing the opinion +that it wasn't a bad war when up rushed one recruit holding the chin +strap of his tin hat and panting, "Aero--aero--aeroplanes." The +sergeant looked at him for a second and said, "All right, sonny, don't +touch 'em." + +A flush came to the youngster's face, and he walked away--a +soldier.--_R. C. Ida, D.C.M. (late 2nd Royal Berks), 39 Hoylake Road, +East Acton, W.3._ + + +"Ze English--Zey are all Mad!" + +Early in 1915 an Anti-Aircraft Brigade landed at Dunkirk. Their guns +were mounted in armoured cars, the drivers for which were largely +recruited from London busmen. + +By arrangement with the French staff it was decided that the password +to enable the drivers to pass the French lines should be the French +word _aviation_. + +The men were paraded and made to repeat this word, parrot fashion, with +orders to be careful to use it, as it was said that French sentries had +a nasty habit of shooting first and making any inquiries afterwards. + +About a month later I asked my lorry driver how he got on with the +word. "Quite easy, sir," said he. "I leans aht over the dash and yells +aht 'ave a ration,' and the Frenchies all larfs and lets me by." + +A bit worried about this I interviewed the French Staff Officer and +asked him if the men were giving the word satisfactorily. + +"Oh," he said, "zose men of yours, zey are comique. Your man, he +says somezing about his dinner, and ze ozzers zey say 'Ullo, Charlie +Chaplin,' and 'Wotcher, froggy'--all sorts of pass-words." + +I apologised profusely. "I will get fresh orders issued," I said, "to +ensure that the men say the correct word." + +"No," replied the French officer, "it ees no use. We know your men now. +Ze English will never alter--_zey are all mad_."--_G. H. Littleton +(Lieut.-Col.), 10 Russell Square Mansions, Southampton Row, W.C.1._ + + +Mixed History + +The Scene: Qurnah, Mesopotamia. + +Cockney Tommy--obviously an old Sunday school boy--fed up with Arabs, +Turks, boils, scorpions, flies, thirst, and dust: "Well, if this is the +Garden of Eden, no wonder the Twelve Apostles 'opped it!"--_G. T. C., +Hendon, N.W.4._ + + +Got His Goat! + +We, a Field Company of the R.E.'s in France, were on the move to a new +sector, and amongst our "properties" was a mobile "dairy"--a goat. + +"Nanny" travelled on top of a trestle-wagon containing bridging gear, +with a short rope attached to her collar to confine her activities. But +a "pot-hole" in the narrow road supplied a lurch that dislodged her, +with the result that she slid overboard, and the shortness of the rope +prevented her from reaching the ground. + +[Illustration: "Nanny, you'll hang next time!"] + +The driver of the wagon behind saw her predicament, and, dismounting, +ran to her assistance, shouting for the column to halt. Then he took +Nanny in his arms to relieve the weight on her neck, whilst others +clambered aboard and released the rope. + +Nanny was then put on her legs while her rescuer stood immediately in +front, watching her recover. + +This she speedily did, and, raising her head for a moment, apparently +discerned the cause of her discomfiture peering at her. At any rate, +lowering her head, she sprang and caught Bermondsey Bill amidships, +sending him backwards into a slimy ditch at the side of the road. + +As he lay there amidst the undergrowth he yelled, "Strike me pink, +Nanny! You'll hang next time."--_E. Martin, 78 Chelverton Road, Putney, +S.W.15._ + + +A Difficult Top Note + +Somewhere in Palestine the band of a famous London division had been +called together for very much overdue practice. The overture "Poet and +Peasant" called for a French horn solo ending on a difficult top note. + +After the soloist had made many attempts to get this note the +bandmaster lost his temper and gave the player a piece of his mind. + +Looking at the battered instrument, which had been in France, +the Balkans, and was now in the Wilderness, and was patched with +sticking-plaster and soap, the soloist, who hailed from Mile End, +replied: "Here, if you can do it better you have a go. I don't mind +trying it on an _instrument_, but I'm darned if I can play it on a +cullender."--_D. Beland, 17 Ridgdale Street, London, E.3._ + +[Illustration: "... but I'm darned if I can play it on a cullender."] + + +Home by Underground + +A cold, wet night in France. My company was making its way up a +communication trench on the right of the Arras-Cambrin road. It was in +some places waist deep in mud. I was in front next to my officer when +the word was passed down that one of the men had fallen into the mud +and could not be found. The officer sent me back to find out what had +happened. + +On reaching the spot I found that the man had fallen into the mouth of +a very deep dug-out which had not been used for some time. + +Peering into the blackness, I called out, "Where are you?" + +Back came the reply: "You get on wiv the blinkin' war. I've fahnd the +Channel Tunnel and am going 'ome." + +I may say it took us six hours to get him out.--_H. F. B. (late 7th +Batt. Middlesex Regt.), London, N.W.2._ + + +A Job for Samson + +During Allenby's big push in Palestine the men were on a forced night +march, and were tired out and fed up. An officer was trying to buck +some of them up by talking of the British successes in France and also +of the places of interest they would see farther up in Palestine. + +He was telling them that they were now crossing the Plains of Hebron +where Samson carried the gates of Gaza, when a deep Cockney voice rang +out from the ranks, "What a pity that bloke ain't 'ere to carry this +pack of mine!"--_C. W. Blowers, 25 Little Roke Avenue, Kenley, Surrey._ + + +Jerry Wins a Bet + +In the Salient, 1916: Alf, who owned a Crown and Anchor board of great +antiquity, had it spread out on two petrol cans at the bottom of a +shell-hole. + +Around it four of us squatted and began to deposit thereon our dirty +half and one franc notes, with occasional coins of lesser value. The +constant whistle of passing fragments was punctuated by the voice +of Alf calling upon the company to "'ave a bit on the 'eart" or +alternately "to 'ave a dig in the grave" when a spent bullet crashed +on his tin hat and fell with a thud into the crown square. "'Struth," +gasped Alf, "old squarehead wants to back the sergeant-major." He +gave a final shake to the cup and exposed the dice--one heart and two +crowns. "Blimey," exclaimed Alf, "would yer blinkin' well believe it? +Jerry's backed a winner. 'Arf a mo," and picking up the spent bullet +he threw it with all his might towards the German lines, exclaiming, +"'Ere's yer blinking bet back, Jerry, and 'ere's yer winnings." +He cautiously fired two rounds.--_G. S. Raby (ex-2nd K.R.R.C.), +Shoeburyness, Essex._ + + +Lucky he was Born British + +Many ex-soldiers must remember the famous Major Campbell, who +(supported by the late Jimmy Driscoll), toured behind the lines in +France giving realistic demonstrations of bayonet fighting. + +I was a spectator on one occasion when the Major was demonstrating +"defence with the naked hands." "Now," he shouted as Jimmy Driscoll +(who acted the German) rushed upon him with rifle and bayonet pointed +for a thrust, "I side-step" (grasping his rifle at butt and upper band +simultaneously); "I twist it to the horizontal and fetch my knee up +into the pit of his stomach, so! And then, as his head comes down, I +release my right hand, point my fore and third fingers, so! and stab at +his eyes." + +"Lor'!" gasped a little Cockney platoon chum squatting beside me, "did +yer see that lot? Wot a nice kind of bloke he is! Wot a blinkin' stroke +of luck he was born on our side!"--_S. J. Wilson (late 1/20th County +London Regt.), 27 Cressingham Road, Lewisham._ + + +You Never Can Tell + +Scene: Turk trench, Somme, on a cold, soaking night in November, +1916. A working party, complete with rifles, picks, and spades, which +continually became entangled in the cats' cradle of miscellaneous R.E. +wire, is making terribly slow progress over irregular trench-boards +hidden under mud and water. Brisk strafing ahead promising trouble. + +Impatient officer (up on the parapet): "For heaven's sake, you lads, +get a move on! You're not going to a funeral!" + +Cockney voice (from bottom of trench): "'Ow the dooce does _'e_ +know!"--_W. Ridsdale, 41 Manor Road, Beckenham, Kent._ + + +The Window Gazer + +In the early part of 1915, when the box periscope was in great use in +the trenches, we received a draft of young recruits. One lad, of a +rather inquisitive nature, was always looking in the glass trying to +find Jerry's whereabouts. + +An old Cockney, passing up and down, had seen this lad peeping in the +glass. At last he stopped and addressed the lad as follows: + +"You've been a-looking in that bloomin' winder all the die, an' nah yer +ain't bought nuffink."--_E. R. Gibson (late Middlesex Regt.), 42 Maldon +Road, Edmonton, N.9._ + + +"I Don't Fink" + +After we landed in France our officer gave us a lecture and told us +that our best pal in this world was our rifle. He warned us that on no +account must we part with it. A couple of nights later Gunner Brown, +a Cockney, was on guard. When the visiting officer approached him and +said, "Your rifle is dirty, gunner," he replied, "I don't fink so +sir, 'cos I cleaned it." "Give it to me," said the officer sternly, +which Brown did. Then the officer said, "You fool, if I were an enemy +in English uniform I could shoot you." To which Brown replied, "I +don't fink you could, sir, 'cos I've got the blinkin' bolt in my +pocket."--_E. W. Houser (late 41st Division, R.F.A.) 22 Hamlet Road, +Southend._ + + +Why the Attack _Must_ Fail + +November 1918. The next day we were to move up in readiness for the +great advance of the 3rd Army. + +Some of us were trying to sleep in a cellar when the silence was broken +by a small voice: "I'm sure this attack will go wrong, you chaps! I +feel it in my bones!" + +It can be imagined how this cheerful remark was received, but when the +abuse had died down, the same voice was heard again: "Yes, I knows +it. Some blighter will step orf wi' the wrong foot and we'll all +'ave to come back and start again!"--_"D" Coy., M.G.C. (24th Batt.), +Westcliff._ + + +The "Shovers" + +During the retreat of 1918 I was standing with my company on the side +of the road by Outersteene Farm, outside Bailleul, when three very +small and youthful German Tommies with helmets four sizes too large +passed on their way down the line as prisoners for interrogation. As +they reached us I heard one of my men say to another: "Luv us, 'Arry, +look what's shovin' our Army abaht!"--_L. H. B., Beckenham._ + +[Illustration: "Luv us, 'Arry; look what's shovin' our Army abaht!"] + + +Rehearsal--Without the Villain + +A small party with a subaltern were withdrawn from the line to rehearse +a raid on the German line. A replica of the German trenches had been +made from aircraft photographs, and these, with our own trench and +intervening wire, were faithfully reproduced, even to shell-holes. + +The rehearsal went off wonderfully. The wire was cut, the German +trenches were entered, and dummy bombs thrown down the dug-outs. + +Back we came to our own trenches. "Everything was done excellently, +men," said the subaltern, "but I should like to be sure that every +difficulty has been allowed for. Can any man think of any point which +we have overlooked?" + +"Yus," came the terse reply--"Jerry."--_Edward Nolan (15th London +Regt.), 41 Dalmeny Avenue, S.W.16._ + + +Poetry Before the Push + +During February and March 1918 the 1/13th Battalion London Regiment +(the Kensingtons), who were at Vimy Ridge, had been standing-to in the +mornings for much longer than the regulation hour because of the coming +big German attack. One company commander--a very cheery officer--was +tired of the general "wind up" and determined to pull the legs of the +officers at Battalion H.Q. It was his duty to send in situation reports +several times a day. To vary things he wrote a situation report in +verse, sent it over the wire to B.H.Q., where, of course, it was taken +down in prose and read with complete consternation by the C.O. and +adjutant! + +It showed the gay spirit which meant so much in the front line at a +time when everyone's nerves were on edge. It was written less than two +days before the German offensive of March 21. Here are the verses: + + (_C Company Situation Report 19/3/18_) + + There is nothing I can tell you + That you really do not know-- + Except that we are on the Ridge + And Fritz is down below. + + I'm tired of "situations" + And of "wind" entirely "vane." + The gas-guard yawns and tells me + "It's blowing up for rain." + + He's a human little fellow. + With a thoughtful point of view, + And his report (uncensored) + I pass, please, on to you. + + "When's old Fritzie coming over? + Does the General really know? + The Colonel seems to think so, + The Captain tells us 'No.' + + "When's someone going to tell us + We can 'Stand-to' as before? + An hour at dawn and one at dusk, + Lor' blimey, who wants more?" + +The word "vane" in the second verse refers, of course, to the +weather-vane used in the trenches to indicate whether the wind was +favourable or not for a gas attack.--_Frederick Heath (Major), 1/13th +Batt. London Regt. (Kensingtons)._ + + +'Erb's Consolation Prize + +A narrow communication trench leading up to the front line; rain, mud, +shells, and everything else to make life hideous. + +Enter the ration party, each man carrying something bulky besides his +rifle and kit. + +One of the party, a Londoner known as 'Erb, is struggling with a huge +mail-bag, bumping and slipping and sliding, moaning and swearing, +when a voice from under a sack of bread pipes: "Never mind, 'Erb; +perhaps there's a postcard in it for you!"--_L. G. Austin (24th London +Regiment), 8 Almeida Street, Upper Street, Islington, N.1._ + +[Illustration: "Never mind, 'Erb, perhaps there's a postcard in it for +you!"] + + +Rum for Sore Feet + +Whilst doing duty as acting Q.M.S. I was awakened one night by a loud +banging on the door of the shack which was used as the stores. Without +getting up I asked the reason for the noise, and was told that a pair +of boots I had issued that day were odd--one was smaller than the +other. The wearer was on stable piquet, and could hardly walk. + +I told him he would have to put up with it till the morning--I wasn't +up all night changing boots, and no doubt I should have a few words to +say when I did see him! + +"Orl right, Quarter," came the reply, "I'm sorry I woke yer--but could +yer give us a tot of rum to stop the pain?"--_P. K. (late 183rd Batt. +41st Div. R.F.A.), Kilburn, N.W.6._ + + +Two Guineas' Worth + +In France during November 1914 I received an abrupt reminder that +soldiering with the Honourable Artillery Company entails an annual +subscription. + +The battalion had marched out during the night to a small village named +Croix Barbee to carry out some operation, and returned at daybreak to +its "lodging" near La Couture, another village some four or five miles +away. + +Being a signaller, I had the doubtful privilege of owning a bicycle, +which had to be pushed or carried every inch of the way. On the march +back the mud was so bad that it was impossible for me to keep up with +the battalion, owing to the necessity every quarter of a mile or so of +cleaning out the mudguards. + +I was plodding along all by myself in the early hours of daylight, very +tired of the bike and everything else, and I approached an old soldier +of the Middlesex Regiment sitting by the roadside recovering slowly +from the strain of the fatiguing night march. + +He looked at me and, with a twinkle in his eye, said, "Well, mate, 'ad +yer two guineas wurf yet?"--_J. H. May, Ravenswood, Ashford, Middlesex._ + + +The Four-footed Spy + +Whilst we were at Arras a horse was found entangled in some barbed +wire, having presumably strayed from the German lines. He was captured +by a rifleman and brought back to the horse lines to be used by the +transport driver. + +A Cockney groom was detailed to look after him. The two never seemed to +agree, for the groom was always being bitten or kicked by "Jerry." + +One morning the picket discovered that "Jerry" was missing, and +concluded that he must have broken away during the night. The matter +was reported to the sergeant, who went and routed out the groom. "What +about it? Ain't you goin' to look for 'im?" said the sergeant. + +"Not me, sarge! I always said the blighter was a blinkin' spy!" replied +the groom.--_J. Musgrave (late 175th Infantry Brigade), 52 Cedar Grove, +South Ealing, W.5._ + + +Not Every Dog has his Night + +Our battalion arrived in a French village late on the night of +September 25, 1915, after marching all day in pouring rain. To add to +our troubles no billets were available (the place was teeming with +reserve troops for the attack at Loos). + +We were told to find some sort of shelter from the rain and get a good +night's rest, as we were to move up to the attack on the morrow. + +My chum, a Londoner, and I scouted round. I found room for one in an +already overcrowded stable; my chum continued the search. He returned +in a few minutes to tell me he had found a spot. I wished him good +night and went to sleep. + +In the morning, when I came out of the stable, I saw the long legs of +a Guardsman (who proved to be my chum) protruding from a dog kennel. +Beside them sat a very fed-up dog!--_F. Martin (late 1st Batt. Scots +Guards), 91 Mostyn Road, Brixton, S.W._ + +[Illustration: "...A very fed-up dog."] + + +The Brigadier's Glass Eye + +A brigadier of the 54th Infantry Brigade (18th Division), who had a +glass-eye, and his Cockney runner, were on their way up the line when +they observed a dead German officer who had a very prominent gold tooth. + +The next day, passing by the same spot, the Brigadier noticed that the +gold tooth was missing. + +"I see that his gold tooth has gone, Johnson," he said. + +"Yessir." + +"I suppose someone will take my glass eye, if I am knocked out." + +"Yessir. I've put meself dahn fer that, fer a souvenir!"--_W. T. +Pearce, "Southernhay," Bethune Avenue, Friern Barnet, N.11._ + + +The Chaplain-General's Story + +In June 1917 I shared a G.H.Q. car with the Chaplain-General to the +Forces, Bishop Gwynne, who was on his way from St. Omer to Amiens, +whilst I was on my way to the Third Army School at Auxi-le-Chateau. + +During the journey our conversation turned to chaplains, and the bishop +asked me whether I thought the chaplains then coming to France were of +the right type, especially from the point of view of the regimental +officers and men. My reply was that the chaplains as a whole differed +very little from any other body of men in France: they were either men +of the world and very human, and so got on splendidly with the troops, +or else they were neither the one nor the other, cut very little ice, +and found their task a very difficult one. + +The Bishop then told me the following story, which he described as +perfectly true: + + "A chaplain attached to a London regiment made a practice + of always living in the front line whenever the battalion + went in to the trenches rather than remaining with Battalion + Headquarters some way back, and he had his own dug-out over + which appeared the words 'The Vicarage.' + + "One day a young Cockney in the line for the first time was + walking along the trench with an older soldier, and turning a + corner suddenly came on 'The Vicarage.' + + "'Gorblimey, Bill!' he said, 'who'd 'ave fought of seein' the + b---- vicarage in the front line?'" + + "Immediately the cheery face of the padre popped out from + behind the blanket covering the entrance and a voice in reply + said: 'Yes! And who'd have thought of seeing the b---- vicar + too?'" + +"That's the kind of chaplain," said the Bishop, "I'm trying to get them +to send out to France."--_(Brig.-Gen.) R. J. Kentish, C.M.G., D.S.O., +Shalford Park, Guildford._ + + +A Thirst Worth Saving + +During the summer of 1917 our battalion--the 1/5th Buffs--formed part +of General Thompson's flying column operating between the Tigris and +the Shatt Al-'Adhaim. + +One morning we discovered that the native camel drivers had deserted to +the enemy's lines, taking with them the camels that were carrying our +water. + +No man had more than a small cup of water in his bottle yet we waited +orders until dawn the next day, when a 'plane dropped a message for us +to return to the Tigris. + +I shall not dwell on that 20-mile march back to the river over the +burning sand--I cannot remember the last few miles of it myself. None +of us could speak. Our lips and tongues were bursting. + +When we reached the Tigris we drank and drank again--then lay exhausted. + +The first man I heard speak was "Busty" Johnson, who, with great effort +hoarsely muttered: "Lumme, if I can only keep this blinkin' first till +I goes on furlough!"--_J. W. Harvey (late 1/5th Buffs, M.E.F.), 25 +Queen's Avenue, Greenford Park, Middlesex._ + + +Points of View + +On a wet and cold winter's night in the hills south of Nablus +(Palestine) a sentry heard sounds as of slipping feet and strange +guttural noises from the direction of the front line. He waited with +his rifle at the port and then challenged: "Halt! who goes there?" + +A thin, dismal voice came from the darkness. "A pore miserable blighter +with five ruddy camels." + +"Pass, miserable blighter, all's well," replied the sentry. + +Into the sentry's view came a rain-soaked disconsolate-looking Tommy +"towing" five huge ration camels. + +"All's well, is it? Coo! Not 'arf!" said he.--_W. E. Bickmore (late "C" +303 Brigade, R.F.A., 60th Div.), 121 Gouville Road, Thornton Heath, +Surrey._ + + +Not the British Museum + +The Labyrinth Sector. + +Three of us--signallers--having just come off duty in the front line, +were preparing to put in a few hours' sleep, when a voice came floating +down the dug-out steps: "Is Corporal Stone down there?" + +Chorus: "No!" + +Ten minutes later came the same voice: "Is Sergeant Fossell down there?" + +"Go away," replied our Cockney; "this ain't the blinkin' British +Museum!"--_G. J. Morrison (late 14th London Regt.), "Alness," Colborne +Way, Worcester Park, Surrey._ + + +Jerry Would Not Smile + +I met him coming from the front line, one of "London's Own." He was +taking back the most miserable and sullen-looking prisoner I have ever +seen. + +"Got a light, Jock?" he asked me. I obliged. "'Ave a Ruby Queen, +matey?" I accepted. + +"Cheerful-looking customer you've got there, Fusie," I ventured, +pointing to his prisoner. + +[Illustration: "... and if that don't make a bloke laugh, well, it's +'opeless."] + +He looked up in disgust. "Cheerful? Lummie, he gives me the creeps. +I've orfered 'im a fag, and played 'Katie' and 'When this luvly war is +over' on me old mouf orgin for him, but not a bloomin' smile. An' I've +shown him me souvenirs and a photograph of me old woman, and, blimey, +if that don't make a bloke laugh, well, it's 'opeless!" + +And then, with a cheery "Mercy bokoo, matey," and a "Come on, 'Appy," +to his charge, he pushed on.--_Charles Sumner (late London Scottish), +Butler's Cottage, Sutton Lane, Heston, Middlesex._ + + +"Birdie" Had to Smile + +While I was serving with the Australians at Gallipoli in 1915 I was +detailed to take charge of a fatigue party to carry water from the +beach to the front line, a distance of about a mile. + +Our way lay over rather dangerous and extremely hilly country. The +weather was very hot. Each man in the party had to carry four petrol +tins of water. + +While trudging along a narrow communication trench we were confronted +by General Birdwood and his A.D.C. As was the general's cheery way, he +stopped, and to the man in front (one "Stumpy" Stewart, a Cockney who +had been in Australia for some time) he remarked, "Well, my man, how do +you like this place?" + +"Stumpy" shot a quick glance at the general and then blurted out, +"Well, sir, 't'aint the sort of plice you'd bring your Jane to, is it?" + +I can see "Birdie's" smile now.--_C. Barrett (Lieut., Aust. Flying +Corps, then 6th Aust. Light Horse), Charing Cross, W.C._ + + +Their Very Own Secret + +We were on a forced march to a sector on Vimy Ridge. It was a wicked +night--rain and thick fog--and during a halt several of our men got +lost. I was ordered to round them up, but I also got hopelessly lost. + +I had been wandering about for some time when I came across one of our +men--a young fellow from the Borough. We had both lost direction and +could do nothing but wait. + +At last dawn broke and the fog lifted. We had not the slightest idea +where we were, so I told my friend to reconnoitre a hill on the right +and report to me if he saw anyone moving, while I did the same on the +left. + +After a while I heard a cautious shout, and my companion came running +towards me, breathless with excitement, and in great delight gasped, +"Sergeant, sergeant! Germans! Germans! Fousands of 'em--and there's +nobody but you and me knows anyfing abaht it!"--_G. Lidsell (late Devon +Regt.), Brixton, S.W.9._ + + +Window Cleaners Coming! + +We were passing through Ypres, in 1915, in a Wolseley Signals tender +when we came upon a battalion of the Middlesex on their way out to +rest, very tired and very dirty. + +Our cable cart ladders, strapped to the sides of the lorry, caught the +eyes of one wag. "Blimey, boys," he cried, "we're orl right nah; 'ere +comes the blinkin' winder-cleaners."--_"Sigs.," Haslemere, Surrey._ + + +First Blow + +It was outside Albert, during the Somme attack, that I met a lone +Army Service Corps wagon, laden with supplies. One of the horses was +jibbing, and the driver, a diminutive Cockney, was at its head, urging +it forward. As I approached I saw him deliberately kick the horse in +the flank. + +I went up to the man and, taking out notebook and pencil, asked him for +his name, number, and unit, at the same time remonstrating with him +severely. + +"I wasn't doin' 'im no 'arm," pleaded the man; "I've only got my +gum-boots on, and, besides, 'e kicked me first." + +[Illustration: "An' besides, he kicked me first."] + +I tore up my entry, mounted my motor-cycle, and left an injured-looking +driver rubbing a sore shin.--_R. D. Blackman (Capt., R.A.F.), 118 Abbey +Road, St. John's Wood, N.W.6._ + + +M.M. (Mounted Marine) + +After riding for several hours one wet, windy, and miserable night, +with everyone soaked to the skin and fed up generally, we were halted +in a field which, owing to the heavy rain, was more like a lake. + +On receiving the order to dismount and loosen girths, one of our number +remained mounted and was busy flashing a small torch on the water +when the sergeant, not too gently, inquired, "Why the dickens are +you still mounted, and what the deuce are you looking for anyway?" To +which a Cockney voice replied, "Blimey, sergeant, where's the landing +stage?"--_"Jimmy" (late Essex Yeomanry)._ + + +His German 'Arp + +Having been relieved, after our advance at Loos in 1915, we were making +our way back at night. + +We had to pass through the German barbed wire, which had tins tied to +it so that it rattled if anyone tried to pass it. + +Our sergeant got entangled in it and caused a lot of noise, whereupon a +Cockney said: "You're orl right on the old banjo, sergeant, but when it +comes to the German 'arp you're a blinkin' washaht."--_W. Barnes, M.M. +(late 1st Bn. K.R.R.C.), 63 Streatfeild Avenue, East Ham._ + +[Illustration: "When it comes to the German 'arp you're a washaht."] + + +Jack went a-Riding + +Early in 1916 we were on outpost duty at a place called Ayun Musa, +about four miles east of Suez. + +One day a British monitor arrived in the Gulf of Suez, and we were +invited to spend an hour on board as the sailors' guests. The next day +the sailors came ashore and were our guests. + +[Illustration: "Don't ask me--ask the blinkin' 'oss."] + +After seeing the canteen most of them were anxious for a ride on a +horse. So we saddled a few horses and helped our guests to mount. Every +horse chose a different direction in the desert. + +One of the sailors was a Cockney. He picked a fairly fresh mount, which +soon "got away" with him. He lost his reins and hung round the animal's +neck for dear life as it went at full gallop right through the Camp +Commandant's quarters. + +Hearing the commotion, the Commandant put his head out of his bivouac +and shouted, "What the dickens do you mean galloping through here?" + +Back came the retort, "Don't ask me--ask the blinkin' 'oss."--_H. F. +Montgomery (late H.A.C.), 33 Cavenham Gardens, Ilford._ + + +Bitter Memories + +During an attack near Beer-Sheba, Palestine, our regiment had been +without water for over twenty-four hours. We were suffering very badly, +as the heat was intense. Most of us had swollen tongues and lips and +were hardly able to speak, but the company humorist, a Cockney, was +able to mutter, "Don't it make you mad to fink of the times you left +the barf tap running?"--_H. Owen (late Queen's Royal West Surrey +Regt.), 18 Edgwarebury Gardens, Edgware, Middlesex._ + + +Tommy "Surrounded" Them + +It was in July 1916. The Somme Battle had just begun. The troops in +front of us had gone over the top and were pushing forward. We were in +support and had just taken over the old front line. + +Just on our right was a road leading up and through the German lines. +Looking up this road we saw a small squad strolling towards us. It +was composed of four Germans under the care of a London Tommy who was +strolling along, with his rifle under his arm, like a gamekeeper. It +made quite a nice picture. + +When they reached us one of our young officers shouted out: "Are you +looking for the hounds?" + +Then the Cockney started: "Blimey, I don't know abaht looking for +'ounds. I got four of 'em 'ere--and now I got 'em I don't know where to +dump 'em." + +The officer said: "Where did you find them?" + +"I surrounded 'em, sir," was the reply. + +Our officer said: "You had better leave them here for the time being." + +"Right-o, sir," replied the Cockney. "You hang on to 'em until I come +back. I'm going up the road to get some more. There's fahsends of 'em +up there."--_R. G. Williams, 30 Dean Cottages, Hanworth Road, Hampton, +Middlesex._ + + +Shell-holes and Southend + +My pal (a Battersea boy) and I were two of a draft in 1916 transferred +from the K.R.R.s to the R.I.R.s. On the first night in the trenches we +were detailed for listening post. My pal said: "That's good. I'll be +able to tell father what No Man's Land is like, as he asked me." + +After we had spent what was to me a nerve-wracking experience in +the mud of a shell-hole, I asked him what he was going to tell his +father. He said: "It's like Southend at low tide on the fifth of +November."--_F. Tuohey (late 14th Batt. R.I.R.), 31 Winchester Road, +Edmonton._ + + +"Make Me a Good 'Orse" + +Having come out of action, we lay behind the line waiting for +reinforcements of men and horses. The horses arrived, and I went out to +see what they were like. + +I was surprised to see a Cockney, who was a good groom, having trouble +in grooming one of the new horses. Every time he put the brush between +its forelegs the animal went down on its knees. + +[Illustration: "Gawd bless farver an' make me a good 'orse."] + +At last in desperation the Cockney stepped back, and gazing at the +horse still on its knees, said: "Go on, yer long-faced blighter. 'Gawd +bless muvver. Gawd bless farver, an' make me a good 'orse.'"--_Charles +Gibbons (late 3rd Cavalry Brigade), 131 Grove Street, Deptford, S.E.8._ + + +The Lost Gumboot + +An N.C.O. in the Engineers, I was guiding a party of about seventy +Royal Fusiliers (City of London Regt.) through a trench system between +Cambrin, near Loos, and the front line. About half-way the trenches +were in many places knee-deep in mud. It was about 2 a.m. and shelling +made things far from pleasant. Then word came up that we had lost touch +with the tail-end of the party, and a halt was called, most of us +standing in mud two feet deep. + +The officer in charge sent a message back asking why the tail-end had +failed to keep up. The reply came back in due course: "Man lost his +gumboot in the mud." The officer, becoming annoyed at the delay, sent +back the message: "Who's the fool who lost his gumboot?" + +I heard the message receding into the distance with the words "fool" +"gumboot" preceded by increasingly lurid adjectives. In about three or +four minutes I heard the answer being passed up, getting louder and +louder: "Charlie Chaplin," "CHARLIE CHAPLIN," "CHARLIE CHAPLIN." Even +our sorely-tried officer had to laugh.--_P. Higson, Lancashire._ + + +"Compree 'Sloshy'?" + +During one of the Passchendaele advances in 1917 my battery was +situated astride a board roadway leading over the ridge. After this +particular show was over I happened to be in the telephone dug-out when +prisoners started coming back. + +One weary little lance-jack in a London regiment arrived in charge +of an enormous, spectacled, solemn-looking Fritz. As he reached the +battery position he paused to rest and look at the guns. + +Leaning against the side of the dug-out he produced a cigarette end +and, lighting it, proceeded to make conversation with his charge which, +being out of sight, I was privileged to overhear. + +"Ain't 'arf blinkin' sloshy 'ere, ain't it, Fritz? Compree sloshy?" No +reply. + +He tried again. "Got a cushy job these 'ere artillery blokes, ain't +they? Compree cushy?" Still no answer. + +He made a third attempt. "S'pose you're abart fed up with this blinkin' +guerre. Compree guerre?" Again the stony, uncomprehending silence; and +then: + +"Garn, yer don't know nuffink, yer don't, yer ignorant blighter. Say +another blinkin' word and I'll knock yer blinkin' block orf."--_A. E. +Joyce (late R.F.A.), Swallowcroft, Broxbourne Road, Orpington, Kent._ + + +Looking-Glass Luck + +During the second battle of Ypres, in May 1915, I was attached to the +1st Cavalry Brigade, and after a terrific strafing from Fritz there was +a brief lull, which gave us a chance for a "wash and brush up." + +While we were indulging in the luxury of a shave, a Cockney trooper +dropped his bit of looking-glass. + +Seeing that it was broken I casually remarked, "Bad luck for seven +years." And the reply I got was, "If I live seven years to 'ave bad +luck it'll be blinking good luck."--_J. Tucker, 46 Langton Road, +Brixton, S.W._ + + +Mine that was His + +Just before our big push in August 1918 we were resting in "Tank Wood." +The place was dotted with shell holes, one of which was filled with +rather clean water, evidently from a nearby spring. A board at the edge +of this hole bore the word "MINE," so we gave it a wide berth. + +Imagine our surprise when later we saw "Tich," a lad from the Old Kent +Road, bathing in the water. One of our men yelled, "Hi, Tich, carn't +yer read?" + +"Yus," replied "Tich," "don't yer fink a bloke can read 'is own +writing?"--_Walter F. Brooks (late R.W. Kent Regt.), 141 Cavendish +Road, Highams Park, E.4._ + + +"Geography" Hour + +Just before going over the top a private, wishing to appear as cheerful +as possible, turned to his platoon sergeant and said: "I suppose we +will be making history in a few minutes, sergeant?" + +"No," replied the sergeant: "our first objective is about 250 yards +straight to the front. What you have to do is to get from here to there +as quickly as your legs will carry you. We are making geography this +morning, my lad!"--_"Arras," London, S.W.1._ + + +To the General, About the Colonel + +The colonel of the regiment, gifted with the resonant voice of a +dare-devil leader, was highly esteemed for his rigid sense of duty, +especially in the presence of the enemy. + +The Germans had been troubling us a lot with gas, and this kept +everyone on the _qui vive_. + +Accompanied by the colonel, the divisional commander was making his +usual inspection of the front line intent on the alertness of sentries. + +In one fire-bay the colonel stopped to give instructions regarding a +ventilating machine which had been used to keep the trench clear of gas +after each attack. + +Meanwhile the general moved on towards the other end of the fire-bay, +where the sentry, fresh out from the reserve battalion recruited in +Bermondsey, stood with his eyes glued to the periscope. + +A natural impulse of the general as he noticed the weather-vane on the +parapet was to test the sentry's intelligence on "gas attack by the +enemy," so as he approached the soldier he addressed him in a genial +and confiding manner: "Well, my lad, and how's the wind blowing this +morning?" + +Welcoming a little respite, as he thought, from periscope strain, +by way of a short "chin-wag" with one or other of his pals, the +unsuspecting sentry rubbed his hands gleefully together as he turned +round with the reply: "'Taint 'arf so dusty arter all." Then, suddenly +through the corner of his eye he caught sight of his colonel at the +other end of the fire-bay. His face instantly changed its cheerful +aspect as he breathlessly whispered to his inquirer, "Lumme, the +ole man! 'Ere, mate, buzz orf quick--a-a-an' don't let 'im cop yer +a-talkin' to the sentry on dooty, or Jerry's barrage will be a washaht +when the Big Noise starts _'is_ fireworks!"--_William St. John Spencer +(late East Surrey Regiment), "Roydsmoor," Arneson Road, East Molesey, +Surrey._ + + +Bow Bells--1917 Style + +We were going up the line at Bullecourt in April 1917. I have rather +bad eyesight and my glasses had been smashed. Being the last of the +file I lost touch with the others and had no idea where I was. However, +I stumbled on, and eventually reached the front line. + +[Illustration: "Take those bells orf."] + +Upon the ground were some empty petrol cans tied up ready to be taken +down to be filled with water. I tripped up amongst these and created +an awful din, whereupon an angry voice came from out the gloom.--"I +don't know 'oo or wot the dickens you are, but for 'eaven's sake take +those bells orf!"--_W. G. Root (late 12th London Regt.), 24 Harrington +Square, N.W.1._ + + +"The Awfentic Gramerphone!" + +This happened on that wicked March 21, 1918. + +During a lull in the scrapping, a lone German wandered too near, and we +collared him. He was handed over to Alf, our Cockney cookie. + +Things got blacker for us. We could see Germans strung out in front of +us and on both flanks--Germans and machine guns everywhere. + +"Well, boys," said our major, "looks as if it's all up with us, doesn't +it?" + +"There's this abaht it, sir," said Alf, pointing to his prisoner; "when +it comes to chuckin' our 'ands in, we've got the awfentic gramerphone +to yell 'Kamerad!'--ain't we?"--_C. Vanon, 33 Frederick Street, W.C.1._ + + +The Muffin Man + +Two companies of a London regiment were relieving each other on a quiet +part of the line, late in the evening of a dismal sort of day. The +members of the ingoing company were carrying sheets of corrugated iron +on their heads for the purpose of strengthening their position. + +A member of the outgoing company, observing a pal of his with one of +these sheets on his head, bawled out: "'Ullo, 'Arry, what'cher doing +of?" to which came the laconic reply: "Selling muffins, but I've lost +me blinkin' bell."--_H. O. Harries, 85 Seymour Road, Harringay, N.8._ + + +The Holiday Resort + +Early in October 1915 a half company of the 3rd Middlesex Regiment +occupied a front-line sector at Givenchy, known as the "Duck's Bill," +which ran into the German line. + +In spite of our proximity to the enemy our chief annoyance was +occasional sniping, machine gunning, rifle grenades, and liquid fire, +for the area had been given over mainly to mining and counter-mining. + +It was expected that the "Duck's Bill" would "go up" at any moment, so +it was decided to leave only one officer in charge, with instructions +to keep every available man engaged either in furiously tunnelling +towards the enemy to counter their efforts, or in repairing our +breast-works, which had been seriously damaged in a German attack. + +My men worked like Trojans on a most tiring, muddy, and gruesome task. + +At last we were relieved by the Leicestershire Regiment, and one of +my men, on being asked by his Leicester relief what the place was +like, replied: "Well, 'ow d'yer spend yer 'olidies, in the country +or at the seaside? 'Cos yer gits both 'ere as yer pleases: rabbit +'unting (pointing to the tunnelling process) and sand castle building +(indicating the breastwork repairs), wiv fireworks in the evening." + +The Leicesters, alas! "went up" that evening.--_S. H. Flood (late +Middlesex Regiment and M.G.C.), "Prestonville," Maidstone Road, +Chatham, Kent._ + + +The "Tich" Touch + +We had survived the landing operations at Murmansk, in North Russia, +and each company had received a number of sets of skis, which are very +awkward things to manage until you get used to them. + +On one occasion when we were practising, a "son of London," after +repeated tumbles, remarked to his pals, who were also getting some "ups +and downs": "Fancy seein' me dahn Poplar way wiv these fings on; my +little old bunch of trouble would say, 'What's 'e trying ter do nah? +Cut aht Little Tich in the long-boot dance?'"--_C. H. Mitchell (late +Staff-Sergt. A.S.C.), 7 Kingsholm Gardens, Eltham, S.E.9._ + +[Illustration: "Trying to cut aht Little Tich in the long-boot dance."] + + +Smart Men All + +One of the usual orders had come through to my battalion of the +Middlesex Regiment for a number of men to be detailed for extra +regimental duties which would be likely to take them away from the +battalion for a considerable time. The company I commanded had to +provide twenty men. + +It was a golden opportunity to make a selection of those men whose +physical infirmities were more evident than the stoutness of their +hearts. Together with my company sergeant-major I compiled a list of +those who could best be spared from the trenches, and the following day +they were paraded for inspection before moving off. + +As I approached, one of the men who had been summing up his comrades +and evidently realised the reason for their selection, remarked +in a very audible Cockney whisper, "What I says is, if you was to +search the 'ole of Norvern France you wouldn't find a smarter body +o' men!"--_"Nobby" (late Captain, Middlesex Regiment), Potters Bar, +Middlesex._ + + +"You'd Pay a Tanner at the Zoo!" + +During the floods in Palestine in 1917 I had to be sent down the line +with an attack of malaria. Owing to the roads being deep in water, I +was strapped in an iron chair pannier on the back of a camel. My sick +companion, who balanced me on the other side of the camel, was a member +of the London Regiment affectionately known as the Hackney Gurkhas. + +The Johnnie patiently trudged through the water leading the camel, and +kept up the cry of "Ish! Ish!" as it almost slipped down at every step. + +I was feeling pretty bad with the swaying, and said to my companion, +"Isn't this the limit?" + +"Shurrup, mate!" he replied. "Yer don't know when yer well orf. You'd +'ave to pay a tanner for this at the Zoo!"--_Frederick T. Fitch (late +1/5th Batt. Norfolk Regt.), The Gordon Boys' Home, West End, Woking, +Surrey._ + + +Smoking Without Cigarettes + +Most ex-soldiers will remember the dreary monotony of "going through +the motions" of every movement in rifle exercises. + +We had just evacuated our position on the night of December 4-5, 1917, +at Cambrai, after the German counter-attack, and, after withstanding +several days' severe battering both by the enemy and the elements, were +staggering along, tired and frozen and hungry, and generally fed up. + +When we were deemed to be sufficiently far from the danger zone the +order was given to allow the men to smoke. As practically everyone in +the battalion had been without cigarettes or tobacco for some days +the permission seemed to be wasted. But I passed the word down, "'C' +Company, the men may smoke," to be immediately taken up by a North +Londoner: "Yus, and if you ain't got no fags you can go through the +motions."--_H. H. Morris, M.C. (late Lieut., 16th Middlesex Regt.), 10 +Herbert Street, Malden Road, N.W.5._ + + +An Expensive Light + +Winter 1915, at Wieltje, on the St. Jean Road. We were on listening +post in a shell-hole in No Man's Land, and the night was black. + +Without any warning, my Cockney pal Nobby threw a bomb towards the +German trench, and immediately Fritz sent up dozens of Verey lights. +I turned anxiously to Nobby and asked, "What is it? Did you spot +anything?" and was astonished when he replied, "I wanted ter know +the time, and I couldn't see me blinkin' watch in the dark."--_E. W. +Fellows, M.M. (late 6th Battn. D.C.L.I.), 33 Dunlace Road, Clapton, +E.5._ + + +Modern Conveniences + +A Tommy plugging it along the Arras-Doullens road in the pouring rain. +"Ole Bill," the omnibus, laden with Cockneys going towards the line, +overtakes him. + +Tommy: "Sitting room inside, mate?" + +Cockney on Bus: "No, but there's a barf-room upstairs!"--_George T. +Coles (ex-Lieut., R.A.F.), 17 Glebe Crescent, Hendon, N.W.4._ + +[Illustration: "There's a barf-room upstairs!"] + + +The Trench Fleet + +A certain section of the line, just in front of Levantie, being a +comparatively peaceful and quiet spot, was held by a series of posts at +intervals of anything up to three hundred yards, which made the task of +bringing up rations an unhappy one, especially as the trenches in this +sector always contained about four feet of water. + +One November night a miserable ration party was wading through the thin +slimy mud. The sentry at the top of the communication trench, hearing +the grousing, splashing, and clanking of tins, and knowing full well +who was approaching, issued the usual challenge, as per Army Orders: +"'Alt! 'Oo goes there?" + +Out of the darkness came the reply, in a weary voice: "Admiral Jellicoe +an' 'is blinkin' fleet."--_W. L. de Groot (late Lieut., 5th West Yorks +Regt.), 17 Wentworth Road, Golders Green, N.W.11._ + + +The Necessary Stimulant + +On the St. Quentin front in 1917 we were relieved by the French +Artillery. We watched with rather critical eyes their guns going in, +and, best of all, their observation balloon going up. + +The ascent of this balloon was, to say the least, spasmodic. First it +went up about a hundred feet, then came down, then a little higher and +down again. + +This was repeated several times, until at last the car was brought +to the ground and the observer got out. He was handed a packet, then +hastily returned, and up the balloon went for good. Then I heard a +Cockney voice beside me in explanatory tones: "There! I noo wot it was +all the time. 'E'd forgotten his vin blong!"--_Ernest E. Homewood (late +1st London Heavy Battery), 13 Park Avenue, Willesden Green, N.W.2._ + + +A Traffic Problem + +A dark cloudy night in front of Lens, two patrols of the 19th London +Regt., one led by Lieut. R----, the other by Corporal B----, were +crawling along the barbed wire entanglements in No Man's Land, towards +each other. + +Two tin hats met with a clang, which at once drew the attention of +Fritz. + +Lieut. R---- sat back in the mud, while snipers' and machine-gun +bullets whistled past, and in a cool voice said, "Why don't you +ring your perishing bell?"--_L. C. Pryke (late 19th London Regt.), +"Broughdale," Rochford Avenue, Rochford, Essex._ + + +Scots, Read This! + +On the afternoon of Christmas Day, 1915, three pipers, of whom I was +one, went into the trenches at Loos, and after playing at our Battalion +H.Q., proceeded to the front line, where we played some selections +for the benefit of the Germans, whose trenches were very close at +this point. Probably thinking that an attack was imminent, they sent +up innumerable Verey lights, but, deciding later that we had no such +intention, they responded by singing and playing on mouth-organs. + +Having finished our performance, my friends and I proceeded on our way +back, and presently, passing some men of another regiment, were asked +by one of them: "Was that you playin' them bloomin' toobs?" We admitted +it. + +"'Ear that, Joe?" he remarked to his pal. "These blokes 'ave bin givin' +the 'Uns a toon." + +"Serve 'em right," said Joe, "they started the blinkin' war."--_Robert +Donald Marshall (late Piper, 1st Bn. London Scottish), 83 Cranley +Drive, Ilford._ + + +Met His Match + +A London Tommy was standing near the leave boat at Calais, which had +just brought him back to France on his way to the firing line. It was +raining, and he was trying to get a damp cigarette to draw. + +Just then a French soldier approached him with an unlighted cigarette +in his hand, and, pointing to Tommy's cigarette, held out his hand and +exclaimed "Allumette?" + +[Illustration: Poilu: "Allumette?" + +Tommy: "'Allo, mate." (Shakes.)] + +The Tommy sadly shook hands and replied "Allo, Mate."--_A. J. Fairer, +Mirigama, Red Down Road, Coulsdon, Surrey._ + + +Why Jerry was "Clinked" + +On August 8, 1918, as our battery began the long trail which landed us +in Cologne before Christmas we met a military policeman who had in his +charge three very dejected-looking German prisoners. "Brummy," our +battery humorist, shouted to the red-cap: "'Ullo, Bobby, what are yer +clinkin' those poor old blokes for?" + +"Creatin' a disturbance on the Western Front," replied the +red-cap.--_Wm. G. Sheppard (late Sergeant, 24th Siege Bty., R.A.), 50 +Benares Road, Plumstead, S.E.18._ + + +Stick-in-the-Mud + +We were in reserve at Roclincourt in February 1917, and about twenty +men were detailed to carry rations to the front line. The trenches were +knee-deep in mud. + +After traversing about two hundred yards of communication trench we +struck a particularly thick, clayey patch, and every few yards the +order "Halt in front!" was passed from the rear. + +The corporal leading the men got very annoyed at the all-too-frequent +halts. He passed the word back, "What's the matter?" The reply was, +"Shorty's in the mud, and we can't get 'im out." + +Waiting a few minutes, the corporal again passed a message back: +"Haven't you got him out yet? How long are you going to be?" Reply came +from the rear in a Cockney voice: "'Eaven knows! There's only 'is ears +showin'."--_G. Kay, 162 Devonshire Avenue, Southsea, Hants._ + + +"If _That_ can stick it, _I_ can!" + +Owing to the forced marching during the retreat from Mons, men would +fall out by the roadside and, after a rest, carry on again. + +One old soldier, "Buster" Smith, was lying down puffing and gasping +when up rode an officer mounted upon an old horse that he had found +straying. + +Going up to "Buster" the officer asked him if he thought he could +"stick it." + +"Buster" looked up at the officer and then, eyeing the horse, said: +"If _that_ can stick it, _I_ can," and, getting up, he resumed +marching.--_E. Barwick, 19 St. Peter's Street, Hackney Road, E.2._ + + +Wheeling a Mule + +In November '15 we were relieved in the early hours of the morning. + +It had been raining, raining most of the time we were in the trenches, +and so we were more or less wet through and covered in mud when we came +out for a few days' rest. + +About two or three kilometres from Bethune we were all weary and fed-up +with marching. Scarcely a word was spoken until we came across an +Engineer leading a mule with a roll of telephone wire coiled round a +wheel on its back. The mule looked as fed-up as we were, and a Cockney +in our platoon shouted out, "Blimey, mate, if you're goin' much furver +wiv the old 'oss yer'll 'ave to turn it on its back and wheel it."--_W. +S. (late Coldstream Guards), Chelsea, S.W.3._ + + +Three Brace of Braces + +While I was serving with the 58th Siege Battery at Carnoy, on the +Somme, in 1916, a young Cockney of the 29th Division was discovered +walking in front of three German prisoners. Over his shoulders he had +three pairs of braces. + +[Illustration: "... while I got their 'harness' they can't get up to +any mischief."] + +A wag asked him if he wanted to sell them, and his reply was: "No, +these Fritzies gets 'em back when they gets to the cage. But while I +got their 'harness' they can't get up to any mischief."--_E. Brinkman, +16 Hornsey Street, Holloway Road, N.7._ + + +"Bow Bells" Warning + +At the beginning of March 1918, near Flesquieres, we captured a number +of prisoners, some of whom were put in the charge of "Nipper," a native +of Limehouse. + +I heard him address them as follows: "Nah, then, if yer wants a fag yer +can have one, but, blimey, if yer starts any capers, I'll knock 'Bow +Bells' aht of yer Stepney Church."--_J. Barlow (20th London Regt.), 18 +Roding Lane, Buckhurst Hill, Essex._ + + +"'Ave a Sniff" + +My father tells of a raw individual from London Town who had aroused +great wrath by having within a space of an hour given two false alarms +for gas. After the second error everyone was just drowsing off again +when a figure cautiously put his head inside the dug-out, and hoarsely +said: "'Ere, sergeant, yer might come and 'ave a sniff."--_R. Purser, +St. Oama, Vista Road, Wickford, Essex._ + + +The Dirt Track + +While my regiment was in support at Ecurie, near Arras, I was detailed +to take an urgent message to B.H.Q. + +I mounted a motor-cycle and started on my way, but I hadn't gone far +when a shell burst right in my path and made a huge crater, into which +I slipped. After going round the inside rim twice at about twenty-five +miles an hour, I landed in the mud at the bottom. Pulling myself clear +of the cycle, I saw two fellows looking down and laughing at me. + +"Funny, isn't it?" I said. + +"Yus, matey, thought it was Sanger's Circus. Where's the girl in the +tights wot rides the 'orses?" + +Words failed me.--_London Yeomanry, Brixton, S.W._ + + +Babylon and Bully + +After a dismal trek across the mud of Mespot, my batman and I arrived +at the ruins of Babylon. As I sat by the river under the trees, and +gazed upon the stupendous ruins of the one-time mightiest city in the +world, I thought of the words of the old Psalm--"By the waters of +Babylon we sat down and wept----" + +And this was the actual spot! + +Moved by my thoughts, I turned to my batman and said, "By Jove, just +think. This is really _Babylon_!" + +"Yes, sir," he replied, "but I'm a-wonderin' 'ow I'm goin' to do your +bully beef up to-night to make a change like."--_W. L. Lamb (late R.E., +M.E.F.), "Sunnings," Sidley, Bexhill-on-Sea._ + + +Twice Nightly + +An attack was expected, and some men were kept in reserve in an +underground excavation more closely resembling a tunnel than a trench. + +After about twenty hours' waiting in knee-deep mud and freezing cold, +they were relieved by another group. + +As they were filing out one of the relief party said to one of those +coming out, "Who are you?" + +"'Oo are we?" came the reply. "Cahn't yer see we're the fust 'ouse +comin' aht o' the pit?"--_K. Haddon, 379 Rotherhithe New Road, North +Camberwell, S.E.16._ + + +In Shining Armour + +A horrible wet night on the Locre-Dranoutre Road in 1914. A narrow +strip of pave road and, on either side, mud of a real Flanders +consistency. + +I was on my lawful occasions in a car, which was following a long +supply column of five-ton lorries. + +[Illustration: "'Ere, ally off the perishin' pave, you knight in +shinin' armour."] + +I need scarcely say that the car did not try to forsake the comparative +security of the pave, but when a check of about a quarter of an hour +occurred, I got down from the car and stumbled through the pouring +rain, well above the boot-tops in mud, to the head of the column. + +Impasse barely describes the condition of things, for immediately +facing the leading lorry was a squadron of French Cuirassiers, complete +with "tin bellies" and helmets with horse-hair trimmings. + +This squadron was in command of a very haughty French captain, who +seemed, in the light of the lorry's head-lamps, to have a bigger +cuirass and helmet than his men. + +He was faced by a diminutive sergeant of the A.S.C., wet through, fed +up, but complete with cigarette. + +Neither understood the other's language, but it was quite obvious that +neither would leave the pave for the mud. Did the sergeant wring his +hands or say to the officer, "Mon Capitaine, je vous en prie, etc."? He +did not. He merely stood there, and, removing his cigarette from his +mouth, uttered these immortal words: + +"'Ere, ally off the perishing pave, you son of a knight in shinin' +armour!" + +And, believe me or believe me not, that is what the haughty one and his +men did.--_"The Ancient Mariner," Sutton, Surrey._ + + +"A Blinkin' Paper-Chase?" + +One pitch black rainy night I was bringing up the rear of a party +engaged in carrying up the line a number of trench mortar bombs known +as "toffee-apples." + +We had become badly tailed-off during our progress through a maze of +communication trenches knee-deep in mud, and as I staggered at last +into the support trench with my load I spied a solitary individual +standing on the fire-step gazing over the parapet. + +"Seen any Queen's pass this way?" I inquired. + +"Blimey," he replied, apparently fed-up with the constant repetition of +the same question, "wot 'ave you blokes got on to-night---a blinkin' +piper-chise?"--_W. H. Blakeman (late Sergt., Queen's R.W.S. Regt.), 22 +Shorts Road, Carshalton._ + + +Biscuits--Another Point of View + +In April 1915 my battalion was on the way up to take over a line of +"grouse-butts"--there were no continuous trenches--in front of a +pleasure resort by the name of Festubert. + +Arrived at Gore, a couple of miles or so from the line, we ran into +some transport that had got thoroughly tied up, and had a wait of about +half-an-hour while the joy-riders sorted themselves out. It was pitch +dark and raining hard, and the occasional spot of confetti that came +over added very little to the general enjoyment. + +As I moved up and down my platoon, the usual profane but humorous +grousing was in full spate. At that time the ration arrangements were +not so well organised as they afterwards became, and for some weeks the +bulk of our banquets had consisted of bully and remarkably hard and +unpalatable biscuits. The latter were a particularly sore point with +the troops. + +As I listened, one rifleman held forth on the subject. "No blinkin' +bread for five blinkin' weeks," he wound up--"nothin' but blinkin' +biscuits that taste like sawdust an' break every tooth in yer perishin' +'ed. 'Ow the 'ell do they expect yer to fight on stuff like that?" +"Whatcher grousin' about?" drawled another weary voice. "Dawgs _lives_ +on biscuits, and they can fight like 'ell!"--_S. B. Skevington (late +Major, 1st London Irish Rifles), 10 Berkeley Street, W.1._ + + +His Bird Bath + +A battalion of the Royal Fusiliers (City of London Regiment) was in +support, and a private was endeavouring to wash himself as thoroughly +as possible with about a pint of water in a mess-tin. + +A kindly disposed staff officer happened to come along, and seeing the +man thus engaged, said, "Having a wash, my man?" + +[Illustration: "Wish I was a blinkin' canary: I could have a bath +then."] + +Back came the reply, "Yus, and I wish I was a blinkin' canary. Could +have a bath then."--_R. G. Scarborough, 89 Tennyson Avenue, New Maiden, +Surrey._ + + +Ducking 'em---then Nursing 'em + +After the Cambrai affair of November 1917 our company came out of the +line, but we had to salvage some very large and heavy shells. + +We had been carrying the shells in our arms for about an hour when I +heard a fed-up Cockney turn to the sergeant and say: "'Ere 'ave I been +duckin' me nut for years from these blinkin' fings---blimey, and nah +I'm nursin' 'em!"---_Rfn. Elliott (late 17th K.R.R.C.), 9 Leghorn Road, +Harlesden, N.W._ + + +Salonika Rhapsody + +Three of us were sitting by the support line on the Salonika front, +conditions were fairly bad, rations were short and a mail was long +overdue. We were fed-up. But the view across the Vardar Valley was some +compensation. + +The wadis and plains, studded with bright flowers, the glistening river +and the sun just setting behind the distant ridges and tinting the low +clouds, combined to make a perfect picture. One of my pals, with a +poetic temperament, rhapsodised on the scene for several minutes, and +then asked our other mate what he thought. "Sooner see the blinkin' +Old Kent Road!" was the answer of the peace-time costermonger.--_W. W. +Wright, 24 Borthwick Road, E.15._ + + +A Ticklin' Tiddler + +In January 1915, near Richebourg, I was one of a ration-party being led +back to the front line by a lance-corporal. The front line was a system +of breast-works surrounded by old disused trenches filled with seven +feet or so of icy-cold water. + +It was a very dark moonless night, and near the line our leader called +out to those in the breast-works to ask them where the bridge was. He +was told to step off by the broken tree. He did so and slid into the +murky depths--the wrong tree! + +We got him out and he stood on dry (?) land, shining with moisture, +full of strange oaths and vowing vengeance on the lad who had +misdirected him. + +At stand-down in the dawn (hours afterwards) he was sipping his tot of +rum. He had had no chance of drying his clothes. I asked how he felt. + +"Fresh as a pansy, mate," was his reply. "Won'erful 'ow a cold plunge +bucks yer up! Blimey, I feel as if I could push a leave train from +'ere to the base. 'Ere, put yer 'and dahn my tunic and see if that's +a tiddler ticklin' me back."--_F. J. Reidy (late 1st K.R.R.s), 119 +Mayfair Avenue, Ilford._ + + +Biscuits and Geometry + +During a spell near St. Quentin our company existed chiefly on +biscuits--much to the annoyance of one of our officers, who said he +detested dogs' food. + +One evening he met the Cockney corporal who had just come up in charge +of the ration party. + +Officer: "Any change to-night, corporal?" + +Corporal: "Yessir!" + +Officer: "Good! What have we got?" + +Corporal: "Rahnd 'uns instead of square 'uns, sir."--_R. Pitt (late +M.G.C.), 54 Holland Park Avenue, W.11._ + + +All that was Wrong with the War + +Taking up ammunition to the guns at Passchendaele Ridge, I met a few +infantrymen carrying duckboards. + +My mule was rather in the way and so one of the infantrymen, who +belonged to a London regiment, gave him a push with his duckboard. + +Naturally, the mule simply let out and kicked him into a shell-hole +full of water. + +[Illustration: "... and that's mules."] + +We got the unlucky fellow out, and his first action was to shake his +fist at the mule and say: "There's only one thing I don't like in +this blinking war and that's those perishin' mules!"--_H. E. Richards +(R.F.A.), 67 Topsham Road, Upper Tooting, S.W.17._ + + +Not a Single Cockney + +In 1917, when we were acting as mobile artillery, we had halted by the +roadside to water and feed our horses, and were just ready to move off +when we were passed by a column of the Chinese Labour Corps, about +2,000 of them. + +After they had all passed, a gunner from Clerkenwell said: "Would +yer believe it? All that lot gorn by and I never reckernised a +Townie!"--_C. Davis (late Sergeant, R.A., 3rd Cavalry Division), 7 Yew +Tree Villas, Welling, Kent._ + + +Sanger's Circus on the Marne! + +On the way from the Marne to the Aisne in September 1914 the 5th +Cavalry Brigade passed a column of Algerian native troops, who had been +drawn up in a field to allow us to continue along the nearby road. + +The column had all the gaudy appearance of shop windows at Christmas. +There were hooded vehicles with stars and crescents blazoned on them, +drawn by bullocks, mules, and donkeys. The natives themselves were +dressed, some in white robes and turbans, others in red "plus four" +trousers and blue "Eton cut" jackets; and their red fezzes were adorned +with stars and crescents. Altogether a picturesque sight, and one we +did not expect to meet on the Western Front. + +On coming into view of this column, one of our lead drivers (from Bow) +of a four-horse team drawing a pontoon wagon turned round to his wheel +driver, and, pointing to the column with his whip, shouted, "Alf! +Sanger's Circus!"--_H. W. Taylor (late R.E.), The Lodge, Radnor Works, +Strawberry Vale, Twickenham._ + + +"Contemptible" Stuff + +When the rumour reached us about a medal for the troops who went out +at the beginning, a few of us were sitting in a dug-out outside Ypres +discussing the news. + +"Mac" said: "I wonder if they'll give us anything else beside the +medal?" + +Our Cockney, Alf, remarked: "You got a lot to say about this 'ere +bloomin' 'gong' (medal); anybody 'd fink you was goin' ter git one." + +"I came out in September '14, any way," said Mac. + +Alf (very indignant): "Blimey, 'ark at 'im! You don't 'arf expect +somefink, you don't. Why, the blinkin' war was 'arf over by then."--_J. +F. Grey (late D.L.I, and R.A.O.C.), 247 Ducane Road, Shepherd's Bush, +W.12._ + + +A Cockney on Horseback---Just + +We were going out to rest after about four months behind the guns at +Ypres, and the drivers brought up spare horses for us to ride. One +Cockney gunner was heard to say, "I can't ride; I've never rode an +'orse in me life." We helped him to get mounted, but we had not gone +far when Jerry started sending 'em over. So we started trotting. To see +our Cockney friend hanging on with his arms round the horse's neck was +quite a treat! + +However, we eventually got back to the horse lines where our hero, +having fallen off, remarked: "Well, after that, I fink if ever I do +get back to Blighty I'll always raise me 'at to an 'orse."--_A. Lepley +(late R.F.A.), 133 Blackwell Buildings, Whitechapel, E.1._ + + +A Too Sociable Horse + +We were asleep in our dug-out at Bray, on the Somme, in November 1915. +The dug-out was cut in the bank of a field where our horse lines were. + +One of the horses broke loose and, taking a fancy to our roof, which +was made of brushwood and rushes, started eating it. + +Suddenly the roof gave way and the horse fell through, narrowly missing +myself and my pal, who was also a Cockney. + +[Illustration: "They want to come to bed wiv us."] + +After we had got over the shock my pal said, "Well, if that ain't the +blinkin' latest. These long-eared blighters ain't satisfied with us +looking after them--they want to come to bed with us."--_F. E. Snell +(late 27th Brigade, R.F.A.), 22 Woodchester Street, Harrow Road, W.2._ + + +General Salute! + +While "resting" at Bully-Grenay in the winter of 1916 I witnessed the +following incident: + +Major-General ---- and his A.D.C. were walking through the village +when an elderly Cockney member of a Labour battalion (a typical London +navvy) stumbled out of an estaminet. He almost collided with the +general. + +Quickly pulling himself together and exclaiming "Blimey, the boss!" he +gave a very non-military salute; but the general, tactfully ignoring +his merry condition, had passed on. + +In spite of his pal's attempts to restrain him, he overtook the +general, shouting "I did serlute yer, didn't I, guv'nor?" + +To which the general hastily replied: "Yes, yes, my man!" + +"Well," said the Cockney, "here's anuvver!"--_A. J. K. Davis (late +20th London Regt., att. 73rd M.G.C.), Minnis Croft, Reculver Avenue, +Birchington._ + + +Wipers-on-Sea + +Scene, "Wipers"; Time, winter of 1917. + +A very miserable-looking R.F.A. driver, wet to the skin, is riding a +very weary mule through the rain. + +Voice from passing infantryman, in the unmistakable accent of Bow +Bells: "Where y' goin', mate? Pier an' back?"--_A. Gelli (late H.A.C.), +27 Langdon Park Road, Highgate, N.6._ + + +He Rescued His Shirt + +During the latter stages of the war, with the enemy in full retreat, +supply columns and stores were in most cases left far behind. Those in +the advance columns, when marching through occupied villages, often +"won" articles of underclothing to make up for deficiencies. + +Camberwell Alf had a couple of striped "civvy" shirts, and had lent +a less fortunate battery chum one of these on the understanding that +it would be returned in due course. The same evening the battery +was crossing a pontoon bridge when a mule became frightened at the +oscillation of the wooden structure, reared wildly, and pitched its +rider over the canvas screen into the river. + +Camberwell Alf immediately plunged into the water and rescued his +unfortunate chum after a great struggle. + +Later the rescued one addressed his rescuer: "Thank yer, Alf, mate." + +"Don't yer 'mate' me, yer blinkin' perisher!" Alf replied. "Wot the +'ell d'yer mean by muckin' abaht in the pahny (water) wiv my shirt +on?"--_J. H. Hartnoll (late 30th Div. Artillery), 1 Durning Road, Upper +Norwood, S.E.19._ + + +A Smile from the Prince + +One morning towards the end of May 1915, just before the battle of +Festubert, my pal Bill and I were returning from the village bakery on +the Festubert road to our billets at Gorre with a loaf each, which we +had just bought. + +Turning the corner into the village we saw approaching us a company of +the Grenadier Guards in battle order, with a slim young officer at the +head carrying a stick almost as tall as himself. Directly behind the +officer was a hefty Guardsman playing "Tipperary" on a concertina. + +We saluted the officer, who, after spotting the loaves of bread +under our arms, looked straight at us, gave us a knowing smile and +acknowledged our salute. It was not till then that we recognised who +the officer was. It was the Prince of Wales. + +"Lumme!" said Bill. "There goes the Prince o' Wales hisself a-taking +the guard to the Bank o' England!"--_J. F. Davis, 29 Faunce Street, +S.E.17._ + + +"Just to Make Us Laugh" + +We were one of those unlucky fatigue parties detailed to carry +ammunition to the forward machine gun positions in the Ypres sector. +We started off in the dusk and trudged up to the line. The transport +dumped the "ammo" at a convenient spot and left us to it. Then it +started raining. + +The communication trenches were up to our boot tops in mud, so we left +them and walked across the top. The ground was all chalky slime and we +slipped and slid all over the place. Within a very short time we were +wet through and, to make matters worse, we occasionally slipped into +shell-holes half full of water (just to relieve the monotony!). + +We kept this up all night until the "ammo" had all been delivered; then +the order came to march back to billets at Dranoutre. It was still +pouring with rain, and when we came to Shrapnel Corner we saw the +famous notice board: "Avoid raising Dust Clouds as it draws Enemy's +Shell Fire." + +We were new to this part of the line and, just then, the idea of +raising dust clouds was extremely ludicrous. + +I asked my pal Jarvis, who came from Greenwich, what he thought they +put boards like that up for. His reply was typically Cockney: "I +'spect they did that just to make us laugh, as we cawnt go to the +picshures."--_Mack (late M.G.C.), Cathcart, The Heath, Dartford._ + + +No Use Arguing with a Mule + +Whilst "resting" after the Jerusalem battle, my battalion was detailed +for road-making. Large stones were used for the foundation of the road +and small and broken stones for the surface. Our job was to find the +stones, _assisted_ by mules. + +A mule was new to Joe Smith--a great-hearted boy from Limehouse +way--but he must have heard about them for he gingerly approached the +one allotted to him, and as gingerly led him away into the hills. + +Presently Joe was seen returning, but, to our amazement, he was +struggling along with the loaded baskets slung across his own +shoulders, and the mule was trailing behind. When I asked why _he_ was +carrying the load, he replied: "Well, I was loading 'im up wiv the +stones, but he cut up rusty, so to save a lot of argument, I reckoned +as 'ow I'd better carry the darned stones meself."---_A. C. Wood, 56 +Glasslyn Road, N.8._ + + +Kissing Time + +It was towards the end of '18, and we had got old Jerry well on the +run. We had reached a village near Lille, which had been in German +occupation, and the inhabitants were surging round us. + +[Illustration: "Take the rough with the smooth."] + +A corporal was having the time of his life, being kissed on both cheeks +by the girls, but when it came to a bewhiskered French papa's turn the +corporal hesitated. "Nah, then, corporal," shouted one of our boys, "be +sporty! Take the rough with the smooth!"---_G. H. Harris (late C.S.M., +8th London Regt.), 65 Nelson Road, South Chingford, E.4._ + + +"Playin' Soldiers" + +We were in the Cambrai Salient, in support in the old Hindenburg Line. +Close to us was a road where there were a ration dump and every other +sort of dump. Everybody in the sector went through us to get rations, +ammunition, stores, etc. + +There was just room in the trench for two men to pass. Snow had been on +the ground for weeks, and the bottom of the trench was like glass. One +night at stand-to the Drake Battalion crowded past us to get rations. +On their return journey the leading man, with two sandbags of rations +round his neck and a petrol can of water in each hand, fell over at +every other step. Things were further complicated by a party of R.E.'s +coming down the line with much barbed wire, in which this unfortunate +"Drake" entangled himself. + +As he picked himself up for the umpteenth time, and without the least +intention of being funny, I heard him say: "Well, if I ever catch that +nipper of mine playin' soldiers, I won't 'arf knock 'is blinkin' block +orf."--_A. M. B. (late Artists Rifles), Savage Club, W.C.2._ + + +Per Carrier + +During the occupation of the "foreshores of Gallipoli" in 1915 the +troops were suffering from shortage of water. + +I and six more, including Tich, were detailed to carry petrol cans full +of water up to the front line. We had rather a rough passage over very +hilly ground, and more than one of us tripped over stones that were +strewn across the path, causing us to say a few strong words. + +By the time we reached our destination we were just about all in, and +on being challenged "Halt; who goes there?" Tich answered: "Carter +Paterson and Co. with 'Adam's ale,' all nice and frothy!"--_D. W. +Jordan (late 1/5th Essex, 54th Division), 109a Gilmore Road, Lewisham, +S.E.13._ + + +"Enemy" in the Wire + +I was in charge of an advanced post on the Dorian front, Salonica, +1917, which had been often raided by the Bulgars, and we were advised +to be extra wary. In the event of an attack we were to fire a red +flare, which was a signal for the artillery to put over a barrage. + +About 2 a.m. we heard a commotion in our wire, but, receiving no answer +to our challenge, I decided to await further developments. The noise +was soon repeated in a way that left no doubt in my mind that we were +being attacked, so I ordered the section to open fire and sent up the +signal for the guns. + +Imagine our surprise when, after all was quiet again, we heard the same +noise in the wire. One of the sentries was a Cockney, and without a +word he crawled over the parapet and disappeared in the direction of +the noise. + +A few minutes later came the sound of smothered laughter, and the +sentry returned with a hedgehog firmly fixed in an empty bully tin. It +was the cause of our alarm! + +After releasing the animal from its predicament, the sentry said: "We'd +better send the blighter to the Zoo, Corp, wiv a card to say 'this +little pig put the wind up the troops, caused a fousand men to open +fire, was bombed, machine-gunned, and shelled.' Blimey! I'd like to +see the Gunner officer's face if he knew this."--_D. R. Payne, M.M. +(ex-Worcester Regt.), 40 High Street, Overton, Hants._ + + +Straight from the Heart + +Under canvas at Rousseauville with 27th Squadron, R.F.C., early +1918--wet season--raining hard--everything wet through and muddy--a +"fed-up" gloomy feeling everywhere. + +We were trying to start a 3-ton lorry that was stuck in the mud on the +aerodrome. After we had all had a shot at swinging the starting handle, +the very Cockney driver of the lorry completely exhausted himself in +yet another unsuccessful attempt to start up. Then, leaning against the +radiator and pushing his cap back, he puffed out: + +"I dunno! These perishin' lorries are enough to take all the flamin' +romance out of any blinkin' camp!"--_R. S. W. (Flying-Officer, R.A.F. +Reserve), 52 Cavendish Road, N.W.6._ + + +Smile! Smile! SMILE!! + +Conversation between two Cockney members of a North Country regiment +whilst proceeding along the Menin road in March 1918 as members of a +wiring party: + +1st: I'm fed up with this stunt. + +2nd: Same 'ere. 'Tain't 'arf a life, ain't it? No rest, no beer, +blinkin' leave stopped--er, got any fags? + +1st: No, mate. + +2nd: No fags, no nuffink. It's only us keepin' so ruddy cheerful as +pulls us through.--_V. Marston, 232 Worple Road, Wimbledon, S.W.20._ + + +War's Lost Charm + +Time, winter of 1917: scene, a track towards Langemarck from Pilkem. +Weather and general conditions--Flanders at its worst. My companion +that night was an N.C.O. "out since 'fourteen," and we had plodded +on in silence for some time. Suddenly behind me there was a slither, +a splash, and a smothered remark as the sergeant skidded from the +duckboard into an especially dirty shell hole. + +I helped him out and asked if he was all right. The reply came, +"I'm all right, sir; but this blinkin' war seems to have lost its +charm!"--_J. E. A. Whitman (Captain, late R.F.A.), The Hampden Club, +N.W.1._ + + +Taking It Lying Down + +The 1st Battalion of the 25th Londons was preparing to march into +Waziristan. + +Old Bert, the cook, diligently loading up a kneeling camel with dixies, +pots and pans, and general cooking utensils, paused for a bit, wiped +the sweat from his brow, and stood back with arms akimbo gazing with +satisfaction upon his work. + +Then he went up to the camel, gave him a gentle prod, and grunted +"Ooush, yer blighter, ooush" (i.e. rise). The camel turned gently over +on his back, unshipping the whole cargo that Bert had worked so hard +upon, and kicked his legs in the air. + +[Illustration: "Don't yer understand yer own langwidge, yer kitten?"] + +Poor old Bert looked at the wreckage and exclaimed, more in sorrow +than in anger: "Blimey, don't yer understand yer own langwidge, yer +kitten?"--_T. F. Chanter, 16 Atalanta Street, Fulham._ + + +The First Twenty Years + +It was round about Christmas 1917, and we were resting (?) at "Dirty +Bucket Corner." The Christmas present we all had in view was a return +to the line in front of Ypres. + +On the day before we were due to return the Christmas post arrived, +and after the excitement had abated the usual "blueness" settled +in--the craving for home comforts and "Blighty." + +My partners in the stretcher-bearing squad included a meek and mild man +(I believe he was a schoolmaster before the war) and a Cockney from +Seven Dials. We used to call him "Townie." + +Although the ex-schoolmaster would have had cause in more normal times +to rejoice--for the post contained a letter telling him that he had +become the father of a bonny boy--the news made him morbid. + +Of course, we all congratulated him. Meanwhile "Townie" was busy with +a pencil and writing pad, and after a few minutes handed to the new +parent a sheet of paper folded in half. The recipient unfolded it +and looked at it for several seconds before the rest of us became +interested and looked over his shoulder. + +The paper was covered with lines, circles, and writing that appeared to +us like "double-Dutch." + +"What's this?" the father asked. + +"That's a map I drawed fer yer kid. It'll show him where the old +pot and pan is when he's called up," and he concluded with this +afterthought: "Tell 'im ter be careful of that ruddy shell-hole +just acrost there. I've fallen in the perishin' thing twice this +week."--_"Medico" (58th (London) Division), Clapham Common, S.W.11._ + + +Shell as a Hammer + +At one time the area just behind Vimy Ridge was plentifully sprinkled +with enemy shells which had failed to explode. As these were considered +a great source of danger they were indicated by "danger boards" nailed +to pointed stakes driven into the ground. + +On one occasion, seeing a man engaged in so marking the resting-place +of a "dud"--he was a cheerful Cockney, who whistled as he went about +his job--I was much amused (though somewhat scared) to see him stop at +a nearby shell, select a "danger board," pick up the shell, and proceed +to use it as a hammer to drive the stake into the ground!--_H. S. A. +(late Lieut., Suffolk Regt.), Glebe Road, Cheam._ + + +Sore Feet + +After the first battle of Ypres an old driver, whom we called +"Krongie," had very bad feet, and one day reported sick at the +estaminet where the M.O. held office. + +After the examination he ambled up the road, and when he was about 50 +yards away the M.O.'s orderly ran out and called: "Krongie, when you +get to the column tell the farrier the M.O.'s horse has cast a shoe." + +"Krongie": "Ho, yus. You tell 'im ter give the blinkin' cheval a couple +of number nines like he gave me for _my_ feet."--_P. Jones (R.H.A.), 6 +Ennis Road, N.4._ + + +My Sword Dance--by the C.O. + +A bitterly cold morning in winter, 1916, in the Ypres Salient. I was on +duty at a gas alarm post in the front line when along came the colonel. + +He was the finest soldier and gentleman I ever had the pleasure to +serve under (being an old soldier in two regiments before, I had +experienced a few C.O.s). It was said he knew every man's name in the +regiment. No officer dare start his own meal until every man of his +company had been served. No fatigue or working party ever went up the +line, no matter at what hour, without the colonel first inspected it. + +He had a mania for collecting spare ammunition, and more than once +was seen taking up to the front line a roll of barbed wire over his +shoulder hooked through his stick. To him every man was a son, and to +the men's regret and officers' delight he soon became a general. + +This particular morning he approached me with "Good morning, Walker. +You look cold. Had your rum?" To which I replied that I had, but it was +a cold job remaining stationary for hours watching the wind. + +"Well," said the C.O., "do this with me." With that he started marking +time at a quick pace on the duckboards and I did likewise. We kept it +up for about two minutes, while others near had a good laugh. + +"Now you feel better, I know. Do this every ten minutes or so," he +said, and away he went to continue his tour of inspection. + +My Cockney pal in the next bay, who, I noticed, had enjoyed the scene +immensely, said, "Blimey, Jock, was he giving you a few lessons in +the sword dance or the Highland Fling?"--_"Jock" Walker (late Royal +Fusiliers), 29 Brockbank Road, Lewisham, S.E.13._ + + +A Big Bone in the Soup + +In Baghdad, 1917, "Buzzer" Lee and I were told off to do "flying +sentry" round the officers' lines from 3 to 5 a.m. Well, we commenced +our duty, and Buzzer suggested we visit the mess kitchen to see all was +well, and in case there was anything worth "knocking off" (as he called +it) in the way of char or scran (tea or bread and butter). + +The mess kitchen was in darkness, and Buzzer began scrounging around. +After a while he said: "I've clicked, mate! Soup in a dixie!" By the +light of a match he found a cup, removed the dixie lid, and took a cup +of the "soup." + +"We're in the market this time, mate," said Buzzer, and took out a +cupful for me. + +"It don't taste like Wood's down the New Cut," I said, doubtfully. + +He dipped the cup again and exclaimed: "'Ere, I've fahnd a big bone!" + +It was a new broom-head, however; it had been left in the dixie to soak +for the night!--_G. H. Griggs (late Somerset L.I.), 3 Ribstone Street, +Hackney, E.9._ + + +"I Shall have to Change Yer!" + +In the Ypres Salient in July 1915 Headquarters were anxious to know +which German regiment was facing us. An immense Cockney corporal, who +was particularly good on patrol, was instructed to secure a prisoner. + +[Illustration: "I shall have to take yer aht to-night and change yer."] + +After a night spent in No Man's Land he returned at dawn with a +capture, an insignificant little German, trembling with fear, who stood +about five foot nothing. + +Lifting him on to the fire-step and eyeing him critically, the +corporal thus addressed him: "You won't do for our ole man; I shall +have to take yer aht to-night and change yer!"--_S. Back, Merriams +Farm, Leeds, near Maidstone._ + + +Scots Reveille + +Ours was the only kilted battalion in the division, and our bagpipes +were often the subject of many humorous remarks from the other +regiments. + +[Illustration: "There goes them perishin' 'toobs' agin."] + +On one occasion, while we were out resting just behind the line at +Chateau de la Haye, we were billeted opposite a London regiment. Very +early in the morning the bagpipes would sound the Scottish reveille--a +rather long affair compared with the usual bugle call--and it did not +please our London friends to be awakened in this manner. + +One morning while I was on early duty, and just as the pipers were +passing, a very dismal face looked out of a billet and announced to his +pals inside, "There goes them perishin' 'toobs' again."--_Arthur R. +Blampied, D.C.M. (late London Scottish), 47 Lyndhurst Avenue, Streatham +Hill, S.W.2._ + + +In the Negative + +A battalion of the London Regiment had been having a particularly +gruelling time in the trenches, but some of the men were cheered with +thoughts of impending leave. In fact, permission for them to proceed +home was expected at any moment. + +At this time the Germans started a "big push" in another sector, and +all leave was suddenly cancelled. + +An N.C.O. broke the news to the poor unfortunates in the following +manner: "All you blokes wot's going on leaf, ain't going on leaf, +'cause you're unlucky." + +In spite of the great disappointment, this way of putting it amused +even the men concerned. The real Cockney spirit!--_S. C., Brighton._ + + +"An' That's All that 'Appened" + +Before going up the line we were stationed at Etaples, and were +rather proud of our cook-house, but one day the colonel told the +sergeant-major that he had heard some of the most unparliamentary +language he had ever heard in his life emanating from the cook-house. + +The sergeant-major immediately called at the cook-house to find out the +cause of the trouble, but our Cockney cook was very indignant. "What, +_me_ Lord Mayor? [slang for 'swear']. No one's ever 'eard me Lord +Mayor." + +"Don't lie to me," roared the sergeant-major. "What's happened here?" + +"Nuffin'," said the cook, "except that I slopped a dixie full of 'ot +tea dahn Bill's neck. I said 'Sorry, Bill,' and Bill said 'Granted, +'Arry,' an' that's all what's 'appened."--_Ryder Davies (late 1st Kent +Cyclists, Royal West Kents), 20 Villa Road, S.W.9._ + + +Watching them "Fly Past" + +Our first big engagement was a counter-attack to recapture the trenches +lost by the K.R.R.'s and R.B.'s on July 30, 1915, when "Jerry" used +liquid fire for the first time and literally burned our chaps out. + +To get into action we had to go across open country in full view of +the enemy. We began to get it "in the neck" as soon as we got to "Hell +Fire Corner," on our way to Zillebeke Lake. Our casualties were heavy, +caused by shell fire, also by a German aeroplane which was flying very +low overhead and using its machine gun on us. + +My pal, Wally Robins (later awarded M.M., promoted corporal, and killed +at Lens), our company humorist, was looking up at the 'plane when a +shell landed, killing several men in front of him. + +As he fell I thought he too had caught it. I rushed to him anxiously +and said, "Are you hurt?" + +This was his reply: "I should think I am. I wish they would keep their +bloomin' aeroplanes out of the way. If I hadn't been looking up at that +I shouldn't have fallen over that blinkin' barbed wire stake."--_E. W. +Fellows, M.M. (late Corporal, 6th Battn., D.C.L.I.), 33 Dunlace Road, +Clapton, E.5._ + + +High Necks and Low + +After the first Battle of Ypres in 1914 the Scots Guards were being +relieved by a well-known London regiment. + +A diminutive Cockney looked up at a six-foot Guardsman and asked him +what it was like in the front line. + +[Illustration: "'Oo's neck?"] + +"Up to your neck in mud," said the Guardsman. + +"Blimey, oo's neck?" asked the little chap.--_H. Rogers (late 116th +Battery, 1st Div. R.F.A.), 10 Ashley Road, Richmond, Surrey._ + + +Too Light--by One Rissole + +During the night before my Division (21st) attacked, on October 4, +1917, my unit was in the tunnel under the road at "Clapham Junction," +near Hooge. + +Rations having failed to arrive, each man was given a rissole and a +packet of chewing-gum. We went over about 6 a.m., and, despite rather +severe losses, managed to push our line forward about 1,300 yards. + +When we were back in "rest" dug-outs at Zillebeke, our officer +happening to comment on our "feed" prior to the attack, my mate said: +"Yus. Blinkin' good job for old Jerry we never had two rissoles a +man--we might have shoved him back to Berlin!"--_C. Hartridge, 92 +Lancaster Street, S.E.1._ + + +Psyche--"at the Barf!" + +I was billeting at Witternesse, near Aire, for a battery coming out of +the line for rest and training prior to the August 1918 push. + +I was very anxious to find a place where the troops could have a +much-needed bath. The only spot was a barn, in which were two rusty old +iron baths. + +Further inspection showed that one was in use. On being asked who he +was, the occupant stood up and replied in a Cockney voice: "Sikey at +the Barf!"--_H. Thomas, "Ivydene," Herne Grove, East Dulwich, S.E.22._ + + +A Juggler's Struggles + +We were disembarking at Ostend in 1914. Each man was expected to carry +as much stores as he could. Our Cockney Marine was struggling down the +gangway--full marching order, rifle slung round his neck, kitbag under +his arm, and a box in each hand. + +As he balanced the boxes we heard him mutter, "S'pose, if I juggle this +lot orlright they'll poke annuver in my mouf."--_Thomas Bilson (late +Colour-Sergeant, Royal Marines), 56 The Strand, Walmer, Kent._ + + +Almost a Wireless Story + +Sir Sidney Lawford was to inspect our wagon lines in Italy, and we had +received notice of his coming. Consequently we had been up since about +5 a.m. making things ship-shape. + +One of the fatigues had been picking up all the spare wire lying +about--wire from hay and straw bales, telephone wire, barbed wire, wire +from broken hop poles, miscellaneous wire of all sorts. + +Sir Sidney Lawford arrived about 11 a.m. with a number of his staff, +dismounted ... and promptly tripped over a piece of wire. Imagine +our chagrin. However, the feeling passed away when a Cockney driver +(evidently one of the wire-collecting fatigue) said in a voice audible +to everyone as he peeped from under the horse he was supposed to be +grooming: "Blimey, if he ain't fallen over the only piece of blinking +wire in Italy!"--_F. Praid (late Lieut., R.F.A., 41st Div.), 88a High +Street, Staines._ + + +When the S.M. Got Loose + +We were behind the lines at Merville in 1914. It was raining hard and +it was night. "Smudger" Smith, from Lambeth, was on night guard. The +horses were pulling their pegs out of the mud and getting loose, and +"Smudger" was having a busy time running around and catching them and +knocking the pegs in again with a mallet. + +[Illustration: "Wot, yer loose again, yer blighter?"] + +The sergeant-major, with a waterproof sheet over his head, visited the +lines. "Smudger," seeing something moving about in the dark, crept up, +and muttered, "Wot, yer loose again, yer blighter?"--and down went the +sergeant-major.--_W.S. (late Queen's Bays), 2 Winsover Road, Spalding._ + + +Mons, 1914--Not Moscow, 1812! + +In 1914 we of the 2nd Cavalry Brigade were going up to support the +infantry somewhere near Mons, and when nearing our destination we saw +several wounded being carried from the line. + +Following them, seemingly quite unconcerned, was an infantry transport +driver, who cut a queer figure. He was wearing a stocking hat, and was +mounted on an old mule. Thrown over the mule, with the tail-end round +the mule's neck, was a German's blood-bespattered overcoat. + +[Illustration: "Napoleon's retreat from Moscow ain't in it wiv this!"] + +One of our troop addressed the rider thus: "Many up there, mate?" + +He answered: "Millions! You 'ave a go. We can't shift 'em. They've took +root, I fink." + +He then dug both heels into the mule and, looking round with a bored +expression, exclaimed: "Talk about Napoleon's blinkin' retreat from +Moscow, it ain't ruddy well in it wiv this!" + +And he rode on.--_W. Baker (late 3rd Hussars), 35 Tunstall Road, +Brixton, S.W.9._ + + +The S.M. knew "Mulese" + +During the Somme offensive in 1916 I was one of a party carrying +rations up to the front line. We came upon a mule which was having a +few pranks and pulling the chap who was leading it all over the road. + +This man turned out to be an old Cockney pal of mine in the East +Surreys. I said, "Hello, Jim, what's the matter?" + +"Blimey," he replied, "'e won't do nuffink for me, so I'm taking 'im +back to our sergeant-major, as 'e talks the mule langwidge."--_C. A. +Fairhead (late R.W. Kent Regt.), 16 Council Cottages, Ford Corner, +Yapton, Sussex._ + + +Lost: One Star + +We were on our way to the front line trenches one wet and dreary night +when our subaltern realised that we were lost. He asked our sergeant +if he could see the North Star. My Cockney pal, fed up, as we all +were, turned to me and said: "Pass the word back and ask if anyone 'as +got a Nawth Star in his pocket."--_H. J. Perry, 42 Wells House Road, +Willesden Junction, N.W.10._ + + +Simpler than Sounding It + +After leaving Gallipoli in December 1915 our battalion (4th Essex) were +in camp near the pyramids in Egypt. + +"Pro Tem." we reverted to peace-time routine, and brought the +buglers into commission again. One bugler was making a rather rotten +show at sounding the "fall-in"--his "lip" being out of practice, I +suppose--when a bored Cockney roared out, "Go rahnd and tell 'em."--_H. +Barlow, 5 Brooklands, Abbs Cross Lane, Hornchurch._ + + +Under the Cart + +The place was a rest billet, which we had just reached after a +gruelling on the Somme. Time, 12.30 a.m., dark as pitch and pouring +with rain. + +A despatch-rider arrived with an "urgent" message from H.Q., "Must have +the number of your water-cart." + +Out of bed, or its substitute, were brought the regimental +sergeant-major, the orderly-room clerk, and the quartermaster-sergeant +(a director of a London shipping firm bearing his name). All the +light we had was the end of a candle, and as the Q.M.S. was crawling +in the mud under the water-cart trying to find the number the candle +flickered, whereupon the Cockney sergeant-major exclaimed: "For +Heaven's sake, stop that candle from flickerin', or our blinkin' staff +will think we're signalling to Jerry!" + +The look on the Q.M.S.'s face as he sat in the mud made even the soaked +despatch-rider laugh. + +"What's the number of your water-cart?" became a byword with the +boys.--_W. J. Smallbone (late R.M.S., 56th Field Ambulance, 18th +Division), 22 Stoneycroft Road, Woodford Bridge, Woodford Green, Essex._ + + +The Lion Laughed up his Sleeve + +I had been driving a lorry all day in the East African bush with a +Cockney escort. When we "parked" for the night I invited the escort to +sleep under cover in the lorry, as I was going to do. But he refused, +saying proudly that he had slept in the open since he had landed in +Africa. So, undressing, he proceeded to make the rim of the rear wheel +his pillow, covering himself with a blanket and greatcoat. + +About 1 a.m. I was awakened by hearing someone climbing over the +tail-board. Responding to my challenge the Cockney said: "It's all +right. The blighter's been and pinched my blanket and greatcoat. It's a +good job I had my shirt on." We found next morning that a lion had run +off with them: about 100 yards away they lay, and one sleeve was torn +out of the coat.--_H. J. Lake, 40a Chagford Street, N.W.1._ + + +The Carman's Sarcasm + +While our allies, the Portuguese, were holding part of the line to the +left of Festubert, a Portuguese officer rode up on the most emaciated +and broken-down old "crock" I had set eyes on. + +He dismounted and was looking round for somewhere to tether the horse, +when one of our drivers, a Cockney carman in "civvy" life, cast a +critical eye over the mount and bawled out, "Don't worry abaht tying it +up, mate. _Lean it up agin this 'ere fence._"--_A. G. Lodge (Sergeant, +25th Division Artillery), 12 Derinton Road, S.W.17._ + + +Burying a Lorry + +During the Battle of the Somme, near Ginchy, a R.A.S.C. motor-lorry ran +off the main track in the darkness and got stuck in the mud. The driver +came to our battery near by and asked for help, so six gunners and I +volunteered and set out with shovels. + +On arriving at the scene, there was the motor-lorry almost buried to +the top of the wheels. We all stood around surveying the scene in +silence, wondering how best to make a start, when the Cockney member +of the volunteer party burst out with: "Lummy, the quickest way out of +this is to shovel some more blinkin' dirt on top, an' bury it."--_H. +Wright (ex-Sig./Bdr., C/74 Bde., R.F.A.), 45 Colehill Lane, Fulham, +S.W.6._ + + +Striking a Bargain + +During the battle of the Narrows at the Dardanelles (March 18, 1915) I +was in charge of No. 3 stokehold in H.M.S. _Vengeance_. The front line +of ships engaged consisted of _Irresistible_, _Ocean_, _Vengeance_, and +an old French battleship, the _Bouvet_. The stokers off watch were the +ambulance party and fire brigade. + +[Illustration: "Give us yer week's 'navy' and I'll let yer aht."] + +When the battle was at its height one of the fire brigade, a Cockney, +kept us informed of what was going on, and this is the news we received +down the ash hoist: + +"_Ocean_ and _Irresistible_ 'as gorn darn, the Froggy's gone up in +smoke: our blinkin' turn next. + +"Pat, give us yer week's 'navy' (rum ration) and I'll lift this +bloomin' 'atch (armoured grating) and let yer aht!"--_"Ajax," 23 King's +Drive, Gravesend, Kent._ + + +Bugling in 'Indoostanee + +After the evacuation of Gallipoli a transport was conveying British +troops to Egypt. + +The O.C. wanted a trumpeter or bugler to follow him around during the +daily lifeboat parade and to sound the "Dismiss" at the end. The only +one available was an Indian trumpeter, who had not blown a trumpet or +bugle since 1914. He was ordered for the duty. + +On the first day, immediately after the inspection was over, the +O.C. gave orders for the trumpeter to sound the "Dismiss." After the +trumpeter had finished, the O.C., with a look of astonishment on his +face, gasped, "What's that? I never heard it sounded like that before." + +Came a Cockney voice from the rear rank, "'E sounded it in 'Indoostanee, +sir."--_M. C., Surrey._ + + +"For 'eaven's sake, stop sniffin'!" + +Our sector of the line at Loos was anticipating a raid by the Germans +and the whole battalion was ordered to "stand to" all night. + +Double sentries were posted at intervals of a few feet with orders to +report any suspicious shadows in No Man's Land. + +All eyes and ears were strained in an effort to locate any movement in +the darkness beyond the parapet. + +Strict silence was to be maintained, and the guns had been ordered to +hang fire so that we might give the Germans a surprise welcome if they +came over. + +The ominous stillness was broken at last by a young Cockney saying +to his pal standing with him on the fire-step: "For 'Eaven's sake, +stop sniffin', Porky. How d'yer fink we'll 'ear Jerry if he comes +acrorst?"--_C. J. Blake, 29a Collingbourne Road, Shepherd's Bush, W.12._ + + +Babes in the Salonika Wood + +I was with the Salonika Force on the Dorian front. One night while +an important raid was on my platoon was told off to seize a big wood +between the lines and make sure it was clear of Bulgars, who could +otherwise have enfiladed the main raiding party. + +The orders were "absolute silence, and no firing unless the other side +fires first." I halted my men behind a fold in the ground near the wood +and called up two men and told them to creep forward and see if the +wood was occupied. + +It was nasty work as the first news of any Bulgars would almost +certainly have been a bayonet in the back from somebody perfectly +concealed behind a tree. + +I asked them if the instructions were quite clear and one of them, +Charlie, from Limehouse, whispered back: + +"Yessir! We're going to be the Babes in the Wood, and if the Wicked +Uncles is out to-night we don't fire unless they fires first. Come on, +George (to his companion), there's going to be some dirty work for the +Little Robin Redbreasts to-morrer!"--_A. Forsyth (late Army Cyclist +Corps), 65 St. Martin's Lane, W.C.2._ + + +Bringing it Home to Him + +For several months in 1917 matches were rationed in a Y.M.C.A. +rest-camp canteen, somewhere in France. There entered during this time +a war-worn Cockney, a drawn, tired look still in his eyes, and the mud +of the trenches on his uniform and boots. He asked for cigarettes and +matches, and was told there were no matches. + +"Wot, no matches? 'Ow am I goin' ter light me fags, miss?" + +"You see matches are rationed now," I said, "and the few we are allowed +run out at once." + +With a weary sigh, as if a great truth had dawned upon him, he said +pathetically: + +"Lumme, that do bring the war 'ome to a bloke, don't it, miss?"--_Miss +H. Campbell, Pennerly Lodge, Beaulieu, Hants._ + + +After the Feast + +The company dinner on Christmas Day 1917 was eaten in a large barn at +Ribemont, on the Somme, and before this extra special feast began an +affable "old sweat," one Billy Williams, of London Town, volunteered +for the clearing-up party. + +It was a long sitting and some considerable time before the men began +to wander back to their billets, and it fell to the most capable of the +orderlies to clear up the debris. + +This had just been accomplished to the satisfaction of the orderly +officer when out of the barn strode old Billy carrying a dixie full of +beer. "Where are you going with that, Williams?" asked the officer. + +Springing smartly to attention, and with a pained look upon his face, +old Billy replied: "This 'ere, sir? Sick man in the 'ut, sir!"--_R. E. +Shirley (late The London Regiment), 5 Staunton Road, Kingston, Surrey._ + + +Wait for the "Two Pennies, Please" + +Near the River Struma, on the Salonika front, in March 1917 our brigade +H.Q. was on the extreme right of the divisional artillery and near a +French artillery brigade. + +For the purpose of maintaining communication a French telephonist was +quartered in our dug-out. Whenever he wished to get into communication +with his headquarters he unmercifully thumped the field telephone and +in an excitable voice called out: "_'Ullo, mon capitaine_," five or six +times in half as many seconds. + +Greatly impressed by one of these sudden outbursts, the adjutant's +batman--a typical Cockney--exclaimed in a hurt voice: "Nah then, matey, +jest cool yerself a bit till the young lidy tells yer to put in yer +two coppers!"--_F. G. Pickwick (301 Brigade R.F.A.), 100 Hubert Grove, +Stockwell, S.W.9._ + + +The General Goes Skating + +One horribly wet day during the winter of 1915 I met the Brigadier +paying his morning visit to the front line and accompanied him along +my section of the trench. Entering one fire-bay, the gallant General +slipped and sat down uncommonly hard in the mud. + +[Illustration: "'Ere, chum, get up; this ain't a skatin' rink."] + +Discipline stifled any desire on my part for mirth, but to my horror, +the sentry in that bay, without turning away from his periscope, called +over his shoulder in unmistakable Cockney accents: "'Ere, chum, get up; +this ain't a blinkin' skatin' rink!" + +Fortunately the General's sense of humour was equal to the occasion, +and he replied to the now horror-stricken sentry with an affable +"Quite."--_"Company Commander," Orpington, Kent._ + + +"To Top Things Up" + +During the early part of 1916 a few picked men from the North Sea Fleet +were sent on a short tour of the Western Front to get an accurate +idea of the work of the sister Service. One or two of these men were +attached to my company for a few days in January when we were at +Givenchy--a fairly lively spot at that time. The morning after their +arrival there was some pretty heavy firing and bombing, which soon died +down to normal. + +Later in the day, as I was passing down the line, I asked one of our +guests (an out-and-out Londoner) what he thought of things. He shook +his head mournfully. "I thought the blighters was coming over after all +that gun-fire this morning, sir," he said. "I been in a naval action; I +been submarined; I been bombed by aeroplanes; and, blimey, I did 'ope +I'd be in a bay'nit charge, just to top things up."--_L. V. Upward +(late Capt. R.N.), 14 Lyndhurst Road, Hampstead, N.W.3._ + + +Luck in the Family + +A cockney R.A.S.C. driver had been knocked down and badly injured by a +staff-officer's car. + +On recovering consciousness in hospital, he highly amused the doctor +by exclaiming, "Well, me gran'farver was kicked by a Derby winner, me +farver knew Dr. Crippen, an' 'ere's me gets a blighty orf a brass-'at's +Rolls-bloomin'-Royce. It's funny 'ow luck runs in famblys!"--_J. F. C., +Langdon Park Road, N. 6._ + + +"I'm Drownded" + +We were going into the line in front of Cambrai, in November 1917, and +were walking in single file. The night was pitch black. Word came down +at intervals from the leading file, "'Ware wire," "'Ware shell-hole." + +My pal, a Cockney, was in front of me. Suddenly I heard a muffled +curse--he had deviated and paid the penalty by falling into a +particularly deep shell-hole filled with mud and water. + +I stumbled to the edge of the hole and peered down and saw his face. I +asked him if he was all right, and back came the reply, "Blimey, I'm +drownded, so let the missus know I died like a sailor." + +Three days later he did die ... like a soldier.--_Ex-Rfn. John S. +Brown, 94 Masterman Road, East Ham, E.6._ + + +Not a New World's Wonder + +The regiment had reached Hebuterne after marching from St. Amand, and a +party of us was detailed to carry stuff up to the front line. + +[Illustration: "There's only seven wonders."] + +One of our number, a hefty Cockney, besides being in full marching +order, had a bag of bombs and a couple of screw pickets. A sergeant +then handed him some petrol tins. With a look of profound disgust, the +Cockney dropped the tins and remarked, "Chuck it, mate; there's only +seven wonders in this blinkin' world."--_W. G. H. Cox (late 16th London +Regt.), 9 Longstaff Crescent, Southfields, S.W.18._ + + +Lads of the Village + +While en route from the Western to the Italian front we were held up at +an Italian wayside station and, hearing that we had some time to wait, +our cook says, "Nah's our chance to make some tea." + +So we dragged our boiler on to the end of the platform, scrounged some +wood, and soon had the fire going and the water on the boil. "Nah we +will get the tea and sugar," says the cook. When we returned we found +that the chimney of the boiler had disappeared, smoke and flames were +roaring up, and the water was ruined by soot. + +An Italian soldier was standing by, looking on. "Somebody's pinched our +chimbley," gasped the cook, "and I've got an idea that this Italian +fellow knows somefing abaht it." + +Back came the reply from the Italian, in pure Cockney: "I ain't pinched +yer chimbley, mate!" + +"What! yer speak our lingo?" says the cook. "What part of the Village +do yer come from?" + +"Clerkenwell," was the reply. + +"Give us yer mitt," says the cook. "I'm from the same parish. And nah +I knows that yer couldn't 'ave pinched our chimbley. It must have been +one of them scrounging Cockneys."--_H. Howard, 26 Hanover Street, +Islington, N.1._ + + +Before 1914, When Men Worked + +Night after night, for three weeks, with never a night off, we took +ammunition up for the guns at Ypres in 1917. Sometimes we couldn't get +back until 5 a.m. or 6 a.m.--and the day was spent feeding and grooming +the horses, cleaning harness, and a hundred odd jobs besides. + +We had built a bit of a shack, and in this I was writing a letter home, +and one of my drivers noticed my handwriting on the envelope. + +"Coo, Corp! You can't 'arf write! 'Ow did yer learn it?" he said. + +I told him I had been in an insurance office before I joined up. + +"Lumme!" he exclaimed, "did yer _work_ once, Corp?"--_David Phillips +(late R.F.A.), The Ship Inn, Soham, near Ely, Cambridgeshire._ + + +Their Fatigue + +In August 1915, our Division was moved to the Loos area in preparation +for the battle which began on September 25, and I well remember the +long march which brought us to our destination--the mining village of +Noeux-les-Mines, about a mile from Mazingarbe. + +We ended the hard and tiring journey at a spot where a huge slag-heap +towered above our heads to a height of seventy or eighty feet. On our +arrival here there were the usual fatigue parties to parade, and with +everyone tired and weary this was an unthankful duty. + +The youngest Cockney in my section, who was always cheerful, hearing +me detailing men for fatigue, shouted out, "Come on, mites; paride +with spoons and mess-tins. The blinking fattygue party will shift this +perishin' slag-heap from 'ere to Mazingarbe."--_Herbert W. Bassett +(Cpl. attached 47th London Division), 41 Argyle Road, Sevenoaks, Kent._ + + +Teaching Bulgars the Three-card Trick + +At Butkova, on the right of Lake Doiran, in 1917, we had surprised the +Bulgar and had pushed forward as far as the foot of the Belashitsa +Mountains, the reserve position of the enemy. + +After a sharp encounter we retired, according to plan, and on the +return to our lines we heard murmurings in a nullah to our right. + +[Illustration: "Find der lidy--dere you are--over yer go--under yer +go--nah find 'er!"] + +Motioning to me and the section corporal, our platoon commander +advanced cautiously towards the nullah and you can imagine our surprise +when we discovered "Dido" Plumpton calmly showing the "three-card +trick" to the two Bulgar prisoners he had been detailed to escort. He +was telling his mystified audience: "Find der lidy--dere you are--over +yer go--under yer go--_nah_ find 'er!"--_Alfred Tall (late 2nd East +Kents), 204 Hoxton Street, N.1._ + + + + +3. HOSPITAL + + +"Tich" Meets the King + +In a large ward in a military hospital in London there was a little +Cockney drummer boy of eighteen years who had lost both legs from +shell fire. In spite of his calamity and the suffering he endured +from numerous operations for the removal of bone, he was one of the +cheeriest boys in the ward. + +At that time many men in the ward had limbs amputated because of +frost-bite, and it was quite a usual thing for a visitor to remark, +"Have you had frost-bite?" + +Nothing made Tich so furious as the suggestion that he should have lost +his limbs by any, to his mind, second-rate way. If he were asked, "Have +you had frost-bite?" he would look up with disgust and reply, "Naow---a +flea bit me!" If, however, he was asked, "Were you wounded?" he would +smile and say, "Not 'arf!" + +A visit was expected from the King, and the Tommies kept asking Tich +what he would say if the King said, "Have you had frost-bite?" "You +wite!" said Tich. + +I was standing with the Sister near to Tich in his wheel-chair when the +King approached. His Majesty at once noticed Tich was legless, and said +in his kind way, "Well, my man, how are you getting on?" + +"Splendid, sir!" said Tich. + +"How did it happen?" asked the King. + +"Wounded, sir--shell," replied Tich, all smiles. + +Tich's opinion of the King soared higher than ever.---_M. A. Kennedy +(late V.A.D., Royal Military Hospital, Woolwich), 70 Windmill Hill, +Enfield, Middlesex._ + + +Putting the Lid on It + +It was "clearing day" at the 56th General Hospital, Wimereux. Nurses +and orderlies were having a busy morning getting ready the patients who +were going to Blighty. Nearly all of them had been taken out to the +waiting ambulances except my Cockney friend in the bed next to mine, +who had just had an arm amputated and was very ill. + +Two orderlies came down the ward bearing a stretcher with an oblong box +fixed on to it (to prevent jolting while travelling). They placed it +beside my friend's bed, and, having dressed him, put him in the box on +the stretcher. Then a nurse wrapped him up in blankets, and after she +had finished she said: "There you are. Feeling nice and comfortable?" + +"Fine," said he, "but don't put the lid on before I have kissed the +orderly good-bye."--_E. C., Hackney, E.8._ + + +Riddled in the Sands + +One of the finest exhibitions of Cockney spirit I saw during the war +occurred in Mesopotamia after the Battle of Shaiba (April 1915), in +which we had completely routed the Turkish army. + +[Illustration: "Don't drop me in the water, sir. I'm so full of holes +I'd be sure to sink."] + +We were busy evacuating the wounded in boats across the six-mile +stretch of water which separated us from Basra. A sergeant who had +been hit by no fewer than six machine-gun bullets was brought down in +a stretcher to be put in one of the boats. As I superintended this +manoeuvre he said to me: "Don't drop me in the water, sir. I'm so full +of holes I'd be sure to sink!"--_F. C. Fraser (Lieut.-Col., Ind. Med. +Service), 309 Brownhill Road, Catford, S.E.6._ + + +Season! + +A cockney soldier, badly hit for the third time, was about to be +carried once more on board the ambulance train at Folkestone. When the +bearers came to his stretcher, one said to the other, "What's it say on +his ticket?" + +"Season!" said a voice from the stretcher.--_Rev. A. T. Greenwood, +Wallington, Surrey._ + + +Where's the Milk and Honey? + +A medical Officer of a London division in Palestine was explaining to +a dying Cockney in his field ambulance at Bethlehem how sorry he was +that he had no special comforts to ease his last moments, when the man, +with a cheery grin, remarked: "Oh, that's all right, sir. Yer reads as +'ow this 'ere 'Oly Land is flowing with milk and 'oney; but I ain't +seen any 'oney myself, and in our battery there's 15 men to a tin o' +milk."--_E. T. Middleton, 32 Denmark Road, West Ealing, W.13._ + + +"Lunnon" + +He was my sergeant-major. Having on one occasion missed death literally +by inches, he said coolly: "Them blighters can't 'it 'arf as smart as +my missus when she's roused." I last saw him at Charing Cross Station. +We were both casualties. All the way from Dover he had moaned one +word--"Lunnon." At Charing Cross they laid his stretcher beside mine. +He was half conscious. Suddenly he revived and called out, his voice +boyish and jolly: "Good 'ole Charin' Crawss," and fell back dead.--_G. +W. R., Norwich, Norfolk._ + + +Sparing the M.O. + +It was during some open warfare in France. The scene a small room full +of badly wounded men; all the remainder have been hurriedly removed, +or rather, not brought in here. There are no beds; the men lie on the +floor close together. + +I rise to stretch my back after dressing one. My foot strikes another +foot. A yell of agony--the foot was attached to a badly shattered thigh. + +An insistent, earnest chorus: "You _didn't_ 'urt him, sir. 'E often +makes a noise like that." + +I feel a hand take mine, and, looking down, I see it in the grasp of a +man with three gaping wounds. "It _wasn't_ your fault, sir," he says, +in a fierce, hoarse whisper. + +And then I realise that not a soul in that room but takes it for +granted that my mental anguish for my stupidity is greater than his own +physical pain, and is doing his best to deaden it for me--one, at any +rate, at great cost to himself. + +In whose ranks are the world's great gentlemen?--_"The Clumsy Fool," +Guy's Hospital, E.C._ + + +"Robbery with Violence" + +A Cockney soldier had his leg shattered. When he came round in hospital +the doctors told him they had been obliged to take his leg off. + +"Taken my leg off? Blimey! Where is it? Hi, wot yer done wiv it? Fer +'Eaven's sake, find my leg, somebody; it's got seven and a tanner in +the stocking."--_S. W. Baker, 23 Trinity Road, Bedford._ + + +Seven His Lucky Number + +Scene: the plank road outside St. Jean. Stretcher-bearers bringing down +a man whose left leg had been blown away below the knee. A man coming +up recognises the man on the stretcher, and the following conversation +ensues: + +"Hello, Bill!" Then, catching sight of the left leg: "Blimey! You ain't +'arf copped it." + +The Reply: A faint smile, a right hand feebly pointing to the left +sleeve already bearing _six_ gold stripes, and a hoarse voice which +said, "Anuvver one, and seven's me lucky number."--_S. G. Wallis +Norton, Norton House, Peaks Hill, Purley._ + + +Blind Man's Buff + +The hospital ship _Dunluce Castle_, on which I was serving, was taking +the wounded and sick from Gallipoli. Among the wounded brought on board +one evening was a man who was badly hurt about his face. Our M.O. +thought the poor chap's eyes were sightless. + +Imagine our surprise when, in the morning, finding that his eyes were +bandaged, he pulled himself to a sitting posture in bed, turned his +head round and cried out, "S'y, boys, who's fer a gime of blind man's +buff?" + +I am glad to say that the sight of one eye was saved.--_F. T. Barley, +24, Station Avenue, Prittlewell, Southend._ + + +Self-Supporting + +After being wounded at Ypres in July 1917, I was being sent home. When +we were all aboard, an orderly came round with life-belts. + +When he got to the next stretcher to me, on which lay a man who had +his arm and leg in splints, he asked the usual question ("Can you +look after yourself if anything happens going across?"), and received +the faint answer: "Lumme, mate, I've enough wood on me to make a +raft."--_A. E. Fuller (36th Battery R.F.A.), 21 Pendragon Road, Downham +Estate, Bromley._ + + +In the Butterfly Division + +On arriving at the hospital at Dames Camiers, we were put to bed. In +the next bed to mine was a young Cockney who had lost three fingers of +his right hand and his left arm below the elbow. + +The hospital orderly came to take particulars of our wounds, etc. +Having finished with me, he turned to the Cockney. Rank, name, and +regimental number were given, and then the orderly asked, "Which +division are you from?" + +"Why, the 19th," came the answer; and then, as an afterthought, "that's +the butterfly division, yer know, but I've 'ad me blinkin' wings +clipped."--_H. Redford (late R.F.A.), 49 Anselm Road, Fulham, S.W.6._ + + +An Unfair Leg-Pull + +I was working in a surgical ward at a base hospital, and among the +patients was a Tommy with a fractured thigh-bone. He had his leg in a +splint and, as was customary in these cases, there was an extension at +the foot-piece with a heavy weight attached to prevent shortening of +the leg. + +This weight was causing him a good deal of pain, and as I could +do nothing to alleviate it I asked the M.O. to explain to him the +necessity for the extension. He did so and ended up by saying, "You +know, we want your leg to be straight, old man." + +The Tommy replied: "Wot's the good of making that leg strite w'en +the uvver one's bowed?"--_Muriel A. Batey (V.A.D. Nurse), The North +Cottage, Adderstone Crescent, Newcastle-upon-Tyne._ + + +He Saw It Through + +In the big general hospital at Colchester the next bed to mine was +occupied by a typical Cockney who was very seriously wounded. It was +little short of marvellous that he was alive at all. + +Early one morning he became so ill that the hospital chaplain was sent +to administer the Last Sacrament and the little Londoner's parents were +telegraphed for. + +About nine o'clock he rallied a little, and apparently realised that +the authorities had given him up as hopeless, for with a great effort +he half-sat up and, with his eyes ablaze, cried: "Wot? You fink I'm +goin' ter die? Well, you're all wrong! I've bin in this war since it +started, an' I intends to be in it at the finish. So I just _won't_ +die, to spite yer, see?" + +His unconquerable spirit pulled him through, and he is alive--and +well--to-day!--_A. C. P. (late 58th (London) Division), Fulham, S.W.6._ + + +As Good as the Pictures + +In Salonika during 1916 I was taken to a field hospital, en route for +the Base Hospital. + +All merry and bright when lying down, but helpless when perpendicular, +was a comrade in the next bed to me. We were to be moved next day. + +I was interested in him, as he told me he belonged to "Berm-on-Sea," +which happens to be my birth-place. Well, close to our marquee were +the dump and transport lines, which we could plainly see through the +entrance to the marquee. + +Sister was taking our temperatures when we heard an explosion. Johnnie +had "found" the dump. An officer ran through the marquee, ordering +everyone to the dug-outs, and they promptly obeyed. + +I looked at Bermondsey Bill. He said: "We are beat. Let's stop and +watch the fireworks." + +We were helpless on our feet. I tried to walk, but had to give it +up. A new commotion then began, and Bill exclaimed: "Blimey, 'ere +comes Flying Fox rahnd Tattenham Corner." It was a badly-wounded and +panic-stricken mule. It dashed through our marquee, sent Sister's table +flying, found the exit and collapsed outside. + +Sister returned (she was the right stuff) and said: "Hello, what's +happened here? And you boys still in bed! Hadn't you better try and get +to the dug-outs?" + +Bermondsey Bill said: "We'll stick it aht nah, Sister, an' fancy we're +at the pictures."--_J. W. Fairbrass, 131 Sutton Dwellings, Upper +Street, Islington, N.1._ + + +Room for the Comforter + +At Etaples in 1916 I was in a hospital marquee with nothing worse than +a sprained ankle. A Y.M.C.A. officer was visiting us, giving a cheery +word here and there, together with a very welcome packet of cigarettes. + +In the next cot to me was a young Cockney of the "Diehards," who had +been well peppered with shrapnel. His head was almost entirely swathed +in bandages, openings being left for his eyes, nose, and mouth. + +"Well, old chap," said the good Samaritan to him, "they seem to have +got you pretty badly." + +"I'm all right, guv'nor--ser long as they leaves me an 'ole to put +me fag in."--_A. E. Jeffreys (late 4th Q.O. Hussars), 24 Byne Road, +Sydenham, S.E. 26._ + + +"War Worn and Tonsillitis" + +My son, Gunner E. Smith (an "Old Contemptible"), came home on leave in +September 1918, and after a day or two had something wrong with his +throat. I advised him to see the M.O. + +He went and came back saying, "Just look at this." The certificate said +"War worn and tonsillitis." + +He went to the hospital, and was kept in for three weeks. The first +time I went to see him, he said, "What do you think of it? A 1914 man, +and knocked over by a kid's complaint."--_F. Smith, 23 Saunders Road, +Plumstead, S.E.18._ + + +"... Fort I was in 'Ell" + +It was at the American General Hospital in Rouen. There was the usual +noise created by chaps under anesthetic, swearing, shouting, singing, +and moaning; but the fellow in the next bed to me had not stirred since +they had brought him from the operating theatre many hours before. + +Suddenly he sat up, looked around him in amazement, and said, "Strike, +I've bin a-lying 'ere fer abaht two 'ours afraid ter open me peepers. +I fort I was in 'ell."--_P. Webb (late E. Surreys), 68 Rossiter Road, +Balham, S.W.12._ + + +Pity the Poor Fly! + +Amongst my massage patients at one of the general hospitals was a very +cheery Cockney sergeant, who had been badly damaged by shrapnel. In +addition to other injuries he had lost an eye. + +One morning he was issued with a new eye, and was very proud of it. +After admiring himself in a small mirror for a considerable time he +turned to me and said, "Sister, won't it be a blinkin' sell for the fly +who gets into my glass eye?"--_(Mrs.) A. Powell, 61 Ritherdon Road, +S.W.17._ + + +Temperature by the Inch + +I was a patient in a general hospital in 1918, when a Cockney gunner +was put into the bed next to mine. He was suffering from a severe form +of influenza, and after ten days' treatment showed little sign of +improvement. + +One evening the Sister was going her rounds with the thermometers. +She had taken our friend's temperature and registered it on the chart +hanging over his head. As she passed to the next bed he raised himself +and turned round to read the result. Then he looked over to a Canadian +in a bed in the far corner of the ward, and this dialogue ensued: + +Gunner: Canada! + +Canadian: Hallo! + +Gunner: Up agin. + +Canadian: Go on! How much? + +Gunner: 'Arf inch.--_E. A. Taylor (late 4th London Field Ambulance), +Drouvin, The Chase, Wallington, Surrey._ + + +"'Arf Price at the Pickshers!" + +On the way across Channel with a Blighty in 1917 I chummed up with a +wounded Cockney member of the Sussex. His head was swathed in bandages. + +"Done one o' me eyes in altergevver," he confided lugubriously. "Any +blinkin' 'ow," he added in cheerier tones, "if that don't entitle a +bloke to 'arf price at the pickshers fer the rest of 'is blinkin' +natural I don't know wot will do!"--_James Vance Marshall, 15, Manette +Street, W.1._ + + +Twenty-four Stitches in Time + +During the 1918 reverses suffered by the Turks on various fronts large +numbers of mules were captured and sent to the veterinary bases to be +reconditioned, sorted, and shod, for issue to various units in need of +them. It was no mean feat to handle and shoe the worst-tempered brutes +in the world. They had been made perfect demons through privation. + +"Ninty," a shoeing-smith (late of Grange Road, Bermondsey), was laid +out and savaged by a mule, and carried off to hospital. At night his +bosom pal goes over to see how his "old china" is going on. + +"'Ow are ye, Ninty?" + +"Blimey, Ted, nineteen stitches in me figh an' five in me ribs. +Ted--wot d'ye reckon they done it wiv? A sewin' machine?"--_A. C. +Weekley (late Farrier Staff Sergeant, 20th Veterinary Hospital, +Abbassair), 70 Denbigh Road, East Ham, E.6._ + + +His Second Thoughts + +A Bluejacket who was brought into the Naval Hospital at Rosyth had had +one of his legs blown off while he was asleep in his hammock. The late +Mr. Thomas Horrocks Oppenshaw, the senior surgeon-in-charge, asked him +what his first thought was when the explosion woke him up. + +"My first thought was 'Torpedoed, by gum!'" + +"And what did you think next?" + +"I think what I thought next was 'Ruddy good shot!'"--_H.R.A., M.D., +llford Manor, near Lewes, Sussex._ + + +Hats Off to Private Tanner + +The following story, which emphasises the Cockney war spirit in +the most adverse circumstances, and how it even impressed our late +enemy, was related to me by a German acquaintance whose integrity is +unimpeachable. + +It was at a German prisoner-of-war clearing station in Douai during the +summer of 1917, where wounded British prisoners were being cleared for +prison-camp hospital. + +A number of wounded of a London regiment has been brought in, and +a German orderly was detailed to take their names and particulars +of wounds, etc. Later, looking over the orderly's list, the German +sergeant-major in charge came across a name written by the orderly +which was quite unintelligible to the sergeant-major. + +He therefore requested an intelligence officer, who spoke perfect +English, to ask this particular man his name. The intelligence officer +sought out the man, a Cockney, who had been severely wounded, and the +following conversation took place. + +I.O.: You are Number ----? + +Cockney: Yussir. + +I.O.: What is your name? + +Cockney: Fourpence'a'penny. + +I.O.: I understand this is a term of English money, not a name. + +Cockney: Well, sir, I used to be called Tanner, but my right leg was +took orf yesterday. + +The final words of the intelligence officer, as related to me, were: +"I could have fallen on the 'begrimed ruffian hero's' neck and kissed +him."--_J. W. Rourke, M.C. (ex-Lieut. Essex Regt.), 20 Mill Green Road, +Welwyn Garden City._ + + +The Markis o' Granby + +Wounded at Sheria, Palestine, in November 1917. I was sent to the +nearest railhead in a motor-ambulance. A fellow-passenger--also from a +London battalion--was wounded very badly in both thighs. The orderly +who tucked him up on his stretcher before the start asked him if he +would like a drink. + +"No, thanks, chum--not nah," he replied; "but you might arsk the driver +to pull up at the ole Markis o' Granby, and we'll all 'ave one!" + +I heard later that he died in hospital.--_C. Dickens (late 2/20th +London Regiment), 18 Wheathill Road, Anerley, S.E.20._ + + +A One-Legged Turn + +Wounded about half an hour after the final attack on Gaza, I awoke to +consciousness in the M.O.'s dug-out. + +"Poor old concert party," he said; "you're the fifth 'Ragamuffin' to +come down." + +Eventually I found myself sharing a mule-cart with another wounded man, +but he lay so motionless and quiet that I feared I was about to journey +from the line in a hearse. + +The jolting of the cart apparently jerked a little life into him, +for he asked me, "Got a fag, mate?" With a struggle I lighted my one +remaining cigarette. + +After a while I asked him, "Where did you catch it, old fellow?" +"Lumme," he replied, "if it ain't old George's voice." Then I +recognised Sam, the comedian of our troupe. + +"Got it pretty rotten in the leg," he added. + +"Will it put paid to your comedy act, Sammy?" I asked. + +"Dunno," he replied with a sigh in his voice--"I'm tryin' to fink 'art +a one-legged step dance."--_G. W. Turner (late 11th London Regt.), 10 +Sunny View, Kingsbury, N.W.9._ + + + + +4. HIGH SEAS + + +The Skipper's Cigar + +Bradley (a Deptford flower-seller before joining up) was the "comic" of +the stokers' mess deck. + +He was always late in returning from shore leave. One Monday morning +he returned half an hour "adrift," and was promptly taken before the +skipper. + +The skipper, a jovial old sort, asked him his reason for being adrift +again, and Bradley replied: + +"Well, sir, Townsend and me were waiting for the liberty boat, and I +was telling him that if ever I sees the skipper round Deptford I'll let +him 'ave a 'bob' bunch of flowers for a 'tanner,' and we looked round +and the blinkin' boat was gorne." + +The skipper smiled and dismissed him. On Christmas Day Bradley received +a packet containing a cigar in it, with the following written on the +box: + +"For the best excuse of the year.--F. H. C., Capt." + +I saw Bradley three years ago and he told me he still had that cigar in +a glass case with his medals.--_F. H. (late Stoker, R.N.), 18 Little +Ilford Lane, Manor Park, E.12._ + + +Breaking the Spell + +We were in a twelve-inch gun turret in a ship during the Dogger Bank +action. The ship had been hit several times and big explosions had +scorched the paint and done other damage. There came a lull in the +firing, and with all of us more or less badly shaken there was a queer +silence. Our captain decided to break it. Looking round at the walls +of the turret he remarked in a Cockney, stuttering voice: "Well, lads, +this blinking turret couldn't 'arf do with a coat of paint."--_J. Bone, +84 Victoria Road, Surbiton._ + + +A V.C.'s Story of Friendship + +A transport packed with troops and horses for the Dardanelles was +suddenly hailed by a German cruiser and the captain was given a few +minutes in which to abandon ship. + +One young soldier was found with his arms round his horse's neck, +sobbing bitterly, and when ordered to the boats he stubbornly refused +to move. "Where my white-faced Willie goes _I_ goes," he said proudly. + +His loyalty to his dumb friend was rewarded, for the German cruiser +fired twice at the transport, missed each time, and before a third +effort British destroyers were on the scene to chase her away. It +was then the young soldier had the laugh over his friends, for they +in many cases arrived back on the ship half frozen and soaked to the +skin!--_A Colonel, who wishes to remain anonymous: he holds the V.C., +D.S.O., and M.C._ + + +The Stoker Sums it Up + +I was on a large transport (normally a freighter), which had just +arrived at a port on the East African coast, very rusty, and with a +very un-naval-looking crew. We were taken in charge by a very small but +immaculate gun-boat. + +Orders were shouted to us by megaphone, and our men were leaning over +the side watching the gun-boat rather enviously, when a Poplar stoker +came up from below for a "breather," and summed up his mates' feelings +in eight words. + +[Illustration: "Do yer stop aht all night in 'er?"] + +Cupping his hands about his mouth, he shouted in a voice of thunder: +"_Do yer stop aht all night in 'er?_"--_R. N. Spence (late Lieutenant, +R.N.V.R.), 214 Croydon Road, Beckenham._ + + +Channel Swimming his Next Job + +During the war I had to fly a machine over to France. I had as +passenger a Cockney Tommy who had recently transferred from the +infantry to the R.F.C., and was joining his unit overseas. + +Half-way over the Channel my engine failed and I glided down towards +the nearest boat I could see. The landing was not very successful; the +under-carriage struck the crest of a wave and the aeroplane hit the +water almost vertically. + +We were both thrown out, my passenger being somewhat badly knocked +about in the process. We clung to the almost submerged wreckage and +gazed hopefully towards the vessel I had sighted. She continued on her +course, however. + +[Illustration: "I know me way across nah!"] + +The machine soon sank and we were left bobbing about in our life-belts. +Things began to look far from bright, especially as my Cockney observer +was in a pretty bad way by now. Suddenly the sun broke through the +clouds, and the white cliffs of Grisnez, about eight miles away, stood +out clearly. + +"What's them hills, sir?" asked Tommy. + +"Cape Grisnez, where Burgess landed after his Channel swim," I replied. + +"Blimey," he said, "if we ever gets out of this perishing mess, and I +can't get me old job back after the war, I'll be a blooming Channel +swimmer. I know the ruddy way across nah."--_"Pilot R.F.C.," London, +W.1._ + + +It _Was_ a Collapsible Boat + +I was one of the survivors of the transport ship _Leasowe Castle_. +Just before she took her final plunge, I was standing on deck when an +empty boat was seen drifting near by. Our section officer called for +swimmers, and five or six men went overboard in a jiffy and brought the +boat alongside. + +There was a bit of a scuffle to get over the rail and into the boat, +and one man jumped straight into her from a height of about thirty +feet. To our dismay he went clean through--it was a collapsible boat! + +No sooner had this happened than a typical Cockney voice said: "Blimey, +he's got the anchor in his pocket, I'll bet yer!"--_G. P. Gregory (late +272 M.G. Company), 107 Tunkar Street, Greenwich._ + + +Luck in Odd Numbers + +We were on board H.M.S. _Sharpshooter_, doing patrol off the Belgian +coast. The signalman on watch, who happened to be a Cockney, suddenly +yelled out: "Aeroplane on the starboard bow, sir." + +The "old man," being fairly tired after a night of rain, said: "All +right, it's only a friendly going back home." + +About two minutes later the plane dropped three bombs, the last of +which was much too close to be comfortable. + +After our friend the signalman had wiped the splash off his face he +turned round to the First Lieutenant and casually remarked: "Strike! +It's a thundering good job he wasn't hostile or he might have hit +us."--_R. Walmsley, D.S.M., 47 Watcombe Road, South Norwood, S.E.25._ + + +"Your Barf, Sir!" + +We were a mixed crowd on board the old _Archangel_ returning "off +leave" from Southampton to Havre on the night of January 6, 1917. The +sea was calm, and a moon made conditions ideal for Jerry's "skimmers." + +When we were well under way I chummed up with a typical son of the Mile +End Road, one of the Middlesex men, and we talked for some time whilst +watching the long, white zig-zag wake. + +Then he suggested looking for a "kip." After nosing around several dark +corners, a strip of carpet along the alley between the first-class +cabins appealed to us, and quietly unslinging kit and putting our packs +for a pillow, we made ourselves as comfortable as possible. During the +process my pal jerked his thumb towards the closed doors and whispered +"Orficers." + +How long we had been asleep I don't know, but we were rudely awakened +by a dull booming thud and a sound of splintering wood, and at the same +time we were jolted heavily against the cabins. We hurriedly scrambled +to our feet, looked at each other (no need to ask what had happened!), +then grabbed our kit and made for the deck. + +As my companion passed the last cabin he banged on the door with his +fist and called out: "Oi, yer barf'll be ready in a minute, sir!"--_A. +E. Ulyett, 41 Smith Terrace, King's Road, Chelsea, S.W.3._ + + +"Mind My Coat" + +Middle watch, H.M.S. _Bulldog_ on patrol off the Dardanelles: a dirty +and a black night. A shout of "Man overboard!" from the fore-gun +crew.... We located an A.B. in the water, and with a long boat-hook +caught his coat and pulled him towards the boat. As he drew nearer he +cried: "Don't pull so bloomin' hard; you'll tear my blinkin' coat!" + +Then we knew it was our "Ginger," from Poplar. Now "Ginger" has the +life-saving medal. A few weeks after his ducking the ship struck a +mine and the after-part went west: "Ginger" was discovered in the +water, having gone in after a wounded sub-lieutenant who had been blown +overboard.--_Henry J. Wood, D.S.M., 19 Gracechurch Street, E.C.3._ + + +"Wot's the Game--Musical Chairs?" + +It was a bitterly cold day in December, somewhere in the North Sea. +A section of mine-sweepers were engaged clearing an area well sown +by Jerry's submarines. Suddenly the expected happened, and in a few +minutes one of the sweepers was settling down fast by the stern. + +Those who did not "go west" in the explosion were with difficulty +picked up; among them was a Cockney stoker rating. He arrived on board, +wet, cold, and pretty well "pumped," and the bo'sun's peg of rum had +almost disappeared between his chattering teeth when there was another +explosion, and once again he was in a sinking ship. + +His reply to the order "abandon ship," which he had heard for +the second time within half an hour, was: "Wot blinkin' game's +this--musical chairs?"--_H. Waterworth, 32 Grasmere Road, Muswell Hill, +N.10 (late Engineer-Lieutenant, R.N.R. (retired))._ + + +A Voice in the Dark + +Dawn of a day in March 1917 found Submarine F3 on patrol near the +Terschelling lightship. As we broke surface two German destroyers were +seen only a few hundred yards away. We immediately dived again, and +shortly afterwards the depth charges began to explode. Lower and lower +we went until we touched the bottom. + +Bangs to the right of us, bangs to the left of us, bangs above us--then +one glorious big bang and out went the lights. + +Deadly silence, and then out of the darkness came the voice +of our Battersea bunting-tosser--"Anyone got six pennorth o' +coppers?"--_Frederick J. H. Alsford, 78 North Street, S.W.4._ + + +Why the Stoker Washed + +H.M.Q. ship 18 was sinking sixty miles off the French coast as the +result of gun-fire, after destroying a German submarine. + +After getting away we had a hurried call-over and found that a Cockney +fireman was missing. We hailed the ship which seemed about to take the +plunge any minute, and at last the stoker appeared, spotlessly clean +and dressed in "ducks." + +He had to jump and swim for it. As we hauled him to our boat we asked +him why he had waited to clean himself. + +"Well," he explained, "if I am going to hell there's no need to let the +blighter know I'm a stoker."--_Wm. C. Barnaby (late Chief Coxswain, +R.N.), 7 Seville Street, Knightsbridge, S.W.1._ + + +Accounts Rendered + +The First-Lieutenant of a warship I was in, though a first-class +sailor, had no great liking for clerical work, consequently the ship's +store-books were perhaps not quite as they should have been. + +[Illustration: "Well, _that_ clears up those blessed accounts anyhow."] + +He therefore got an Able Seaman (who had been a London clerk in civil +life) to give him a hand in his "off watches" in putting the books in +order. + +Shortly afterwards the ship stopped a torpedo and sank in eight +minutes. Before the First-Lieutenant had very much time to look round +he found himself in the "ditch." + +As he was clambering out of the water on to the bottom of an upturned +boat, he saw his "Chief Accountant" climbing up the other side, and +the first thing he did was to reach out and shake hands with the A.B. +across the keel of the boat, at the same time remarking, "Well, _that_ +clears up those blessed accounts anyhow."--_John Bowman (Able Seaman, +R.N.V.R.), 19 Handel Mansions, W.C.1._ + + +An Ocean Greyhound + +On one occasion when the _Diligence_ was "somewhere in the North Sea," +shore leave was granted. + +One of the sailors, a Cockney, returned to the ship with his jumper +"rather swollen." The officer of the watch noticed something furry +sticking out of the bottom of his jumper, and at once asked where he +had got it from, fearing, probably, that he had been poaching. + +[Illustration: "... To Nurse it Back to 'Ealth and Strength."] + +The Cockney thought furiously for a moment and then said: "I chased it +round the Church Army hut, sir, until it got giddy and fell over, and +so I picked it up and brought it aboard to nurse it back to 'ealth and +strength."--_J. S. Cowland, 65 Tylney Road, Forest Gate, E.7._ + + +Margate In Mespot. + +October 29, 1914--England declares war on Turkey and transports laden +with troops sail from Bombay. + +One evening, within a week, these transports anchor off the flat +Mesopotamian coast at the top of the Persian Gulf. In one ship, a +county regiment (95 per cent. countrymen, the remainder Cockney) is +ordered to be the first to land. H.M.S. _Ocean_ sends her cutters and +lifeboats, and into these tumble the platoons at dusk, to be rowed +across a shallow "bar." + +[Illustration: "Wot price this fer Margate?"] + +Under cover of an inky darkness they arrive close to the beach by +midnight. It is very cold, and all feel it the more because the kit +worn is shorts and light khaki shirts. + +In the stone-cold silence a whisper passes from boat to boat--"_Remove +puttees; tie boots round the neck; at signal, boats to row in until +grounded; platoons to disembark and wade ashore_." + +So a shadowy line of strange-looking waders is dimly to be seen +advancing through the shallow water and up the beach--in extended +order, grim and frozen stiff. As dawn breaks they reach the sandy +beach, and a few shots ring out from the distant Fort of Fas--but +no one cares. Each and all are looking amazedly at the grotesque +appearance of the line--silent, miserable figures, boots wagging round +their necks, shorts rolled as high as possible, while their frozen +fingers obediently cling to rifles and ammunition. + +It is too much for one soul, and a Cockney voice calls out: "'Ere, wot +price this fer Margate?" + +The spell is broken. The Mesopotamian campaign begins with a great +laugh!--_John Fiton, M.C., A.F.C., 9 High Grove, Welwyn Garden City, +Herts._ + + +Urgent and Personal! + +The ss. _Oxfordshire_, then a hospital ship, was on her way down from +Dar-es-salaam to Cape Town when she received an S.O.S. from H.M.T. +_Tyndareus_, which had been mined off Cape Agulhas, very near the spot +where the famous _Birkenhead_ sank. + +The _Tyndareus_ had on board the 26th (Pioneer) Battalion, Middlesex +Regiment, under the command of Colonel John Ward, then on their way to +Hong Kong. + +As the hospital boat drew near it was seen that the _Tyndareus_ was +very low in the water, and across the water we could hear the troops +singing "Tipperary" as they stood lined up on the decks. + +The lifeboats from both ships were quickly at work, every patient +capable of lending a hand doing all he could to help. Soon we had +hundreds of the Middlesex aboard, some pulled roughly up the side, +others climbing rope-ladders hastily thrown down. They were in various +stages of undress, some arriving clad only in pants. + +On the deck came one who, pulled up by eager hands, landed on all fours +with a bump. As he got up, hands and toes bleeding from contact with +the side of the vessel, I was delighted to recognise an old London +acquaintance. The following dialogue took place: + +MYSELF: Hallo, Bill! Fancy meeting you like this! Hurt much? + +BILL: Not much. Seen Nobby Clark? Has he got away all right? + +MYSELF (_not knowing Nobby Clark_): I don't know. I expect so; there +are hundreds of your pals aboard. + +BILL: So long. See you later. Must find Nobby; he collared the "kitty" +when that blinking boat got hit!--_J. P. Mansell (late) 25th Royal +Fusiliers._ + + +Victoria! (Very Cross) + +While I was an A.B. aboard H.M.S. _Aboukir_ somewhere in the North Sea +we received a signal that seven German destroyers were heading for us +at full speed. We were ordered at the double to action stations. + +My pal, a Cockney, weighing about 18 stone, found it hard to keep up +with the others, and the commander angrily asked him, "Where is your +station?" + +[Illustration: "Where's your station?" + +"Victoria--if I could only get there."] + +To which the Cockney replied, "Victoria--if I could only get +there."--_J. Hearn, 24 Christchurch Street, S.W.3._ + + +He Saw the Force of It + +In February 1915 we beat out our weary patrol near the Scillies. Our +ship met such heavy weather that only the bravest souls could keep a +cheery countenance. Running into a growing storm, and unable to turn +from the racing head seas, we beat out our unwilling way into the +Atlantic. + +Three days later we limped back to base with injured men, hatches stove +in, winch pipes and boats torn away. Our forward gun was smashed and +leaned over at a drunken angle. + +Early in the morning the crew were taking a well-earned rest, and the +decks were deserted but for the usual stoker, taking a breath of air +after his stand-by watch. A dockyard official, seeing our damage, came +on board, and, after viewing the wrecked gun at close quarters, turned +to the stoker with the remark: "Do you mean to say that the sea smashed +a heavy gun like that, my man?" + +The stoker, spitting with uncanny accuracy at a piece of +floating wood overside, looked at the official: "Nah," he said, +"it wasn't the blinking sea; the ryne done it!"--_A. Marsden +(Engineer-Lieutenant-Commander, R.N.), Norbrook Cottage, Leith Park +Road, Gravesend._ + + +New Skin--Brand New! + +Two mines--explosion--many killed--hundreds drowned. We were sinking +fast. I scrambled quickly out of my hammock and up the hatchway. On +deck, leaning against the bulkhead, was a shipmate, burned from head +to foot. More amazing than fiction was his philosophy and coolness as +he hailed me with, "'Cher, Darby! Got a fag? I ain't had a 'bine since +Pa died." I was practically "in the nude," and could not oblige him. +Three years later I was taking part at a sports meeting at Dunkirk when +I was approached by--to me--a total stranger. "What 'cher, Darby--ain't +dead yet then. What! Don't you remember H.M.S. _Russell_? Of course +I've altered a bit now--new skin--just like a two-year-old--brand new." +Brand new externally, but the philosophy was unaltered.--_"Darby," 405 +Valence Avenue, Chadwell Heath, Essex._ + + +A Zeebrugge Memory + +During the raid on Zeebrugge, one of our number had his arms blown +away. When things quietened a little my chum and I laid him on a mess +table and proceeded to tend his wounds. My chum tried to light the +mess-deck "bogey" (fire), the chimney of which had been removed for the +action. After the match had been applied, we soon found ourselves in a +fog. Then the wounded man remarked: "I say, chum! If I'm going to die, +let's die a white man, not a black 'un." The poor fellow died before +reaching harbour.--_W. A. Brooks, 14 Ramsden Road, N.11._ + + +Another Perch in the Roost + +On the morning of September 22, 1914, when the cruisers _Aboukir_, +_Hogue_, and _Cressy_ were torpedoed, we were dotted about in the +water, helping each other where possible and all trying to get some +support. When one piece got overloaded it meant the best swimmers +trying their luck elsewhere. + +Such was my position, when I saw a piece of wreckage resembling a +chicken coop, large enough to support four men. I reached it just ahead +of another man who had been badly scalded. + +We were both exhausted and unable to help another man coming towards +us. He was nearly done, and my companion, seeing his condition, shouted +between breaths: "Come along, ole cock. Shake yer bloomin' feavers. +There's a perch 'ere for anover rooster." + +Both were stokers on watch when torpedoed, and in a bad state from +scalds. Exposure did the rest. I was alone, when picked up.--_W. +Stevens (late R.M.L.I.), 23 Lower Range Road, Denton, near Gravesend._ + + +Uncomfortable Cargo + +(_A 12-in. shell weighs about 8 cwt. High explosives were painted +yellow and "common" painted black._) + +In October 1914 H.M.S. _Venerable_ was bombarding the Belgian coast +and Thames tugs were pressed into service to carry ammunition to ships +taking part in the bombardment. + +The sea was pretty rough when a tug came alongside the _Venerable_ +loaded with 12-in. shells, both high explosive and common. Deck hands +jumped down into the tug to sling the shells on the hoist. The tug +skipper, seeing them jumping on the high explosives, shouted: "Hi! +dahn there! Stop jumping on them yaller 'uns"; and, turning to the +Commander, who was leaning over the ship's rail directing operations, +he called out: "Get them yaller 'uns aht fust, guvnor, or them blokes +dahn there 'll blow us sky high."--_A. Gill, 21 Down Road, Teddington, +Middlesex._ + + +Good Old "Vernon" + +Several areas in the North Sea were protected by mines, which came from +the torpedo depot ship, H.M.S. _Vernon_. The mines floated several feet +below the surface, being kept in position by means of wires attached to +sinkers. + +In my submarine we had encountered very bad weather and were uncertain +of our exact position. The weather got so bad that we were forced to +cruise forty feet below the surface. + +Everything was very still in the control room. The only movements were +an occasional turn of the hydroplanes, or a twist at the wheel, at +which sat "Shorty" Harris, a real hard case from Shadwell. + +Suddenly we were startled by a scraping sound along the port side. +Before we could put our thoughts into words there came an ominous bump +on the starboard side. _Bump!_ ... _bump!_ ... seven distinct thuds +against the hull. No one moved, and every nerve was taut. Then "Shorty" +broke the tension with, "Good old _Vernon_, another blinkin' dud."--_T. +White, 31 Empress Avenue, Ilford._ + + +Any Time's Kissing Time! + +A torpedo-boat destroyer engaged on transport duty in the Channel in +1916 had been cut in two by collision whilst steaming with lights +out. A handful of men on the after-part, which alone remained afloat, +were rescued after several hours by another destroyer, just as the +after-part sank. + +[Illustration: "Ain't nobody a-goin' ter kiss me?"] + +A howling gale was raging and some of the survivors had to swim for it. + +As the first swimmer reached the heaving side of the rescuing ship he +was caught by willing hands and hauled on board. + +When he got his breath he stood up and, shaking himself to clear the +water somewhat from his dripping clothes, looked around with a smile +at the "hands" near by and said: "Well, ain't nobody a-goin' ter kiss +me?"--_J. W., Bromley, Kent._ + + +The Fag End + +The captain of the troopship _Transylvania_ had just called the famous +"Every man for himself" order after the boat had received two torpedoes +from a submarine. + +The nurses had been got off safely in a boat, but our own prospects of +safety seemed very remote. Along came a Cockney with his cigarettes and +the remark, "Who'll 'ave a fag afore they get wet?"--_A. W. Harvey, 97 +Elderfield Road, Clapton, E.5 (late 10th London Regiment)._ + + +"Spotty" the Jonah + +On board the s.s. _Lorrento_ in 1917 with me was one "Spotty" Smith, +A.B., of London. He had been torpedoed five times, and was reputed +to be the sole survivor on the last two occasions. Such a Jonah-like +reputation brought him more interest than affection from sailormen. + +Approaching Bizerta--a danger spot in the South Mediterranean--one dark +night, all lights out, "Spotty" so far forgot himself as to strike +matches on deck. In lurid and forcible language the mate requested him +"not to beat his infernal record on this ship." + +"Spotty," intent on turning away wrath, replied, "S'elp me, sir, I've +'ad enough of me heroic past. This next time, sir, I made up me mind +to go down with the rest of the crew!"--_J. E. Drury, 77 Eridge Road, +Thornton Heath._ + + +He Just Caught the Bus! + +After an arduous spell of patrol duty, our submarine had hove to to +allow the crew a much-needed breather and smoke. For this purpose only +the conning-tower hatch was opened so as to be ready to submerge, if +necessity arose, with the minimum of delay. + +Eager to take full advantage of this refreshing interlude, the crew +had emerged, one by one, through the conning-tower and had disposed +themselves in sprawling attitudes around the upper deck space, resting, +reading, smoking. + +Sure enough, soon the alarm was given, "Smoke seen on the horizon." + +The order "Diving stations" was given and, hastily scuttling down the +conning-tower, the crew rapidly had the boat submerging, to leave only +the periscope visible. + +The commander kept the boat slowly cruising with his periscope trained +on the approaching smoke, ready for anything. Judge of his amazement +when his view was obscured by the face of "Nobby" Clark (our Cockney +A.B.) at the other end of the periscope. Realising at once that "Nobby" +had been locked out (actually he had fallen asleep and had been rudely +awakened by his cold plunge), we, of course, "broke surface" to collect +frightened, half-drowned "Nobby," whose only ejaculation was: "Crikey! +I ain't half glad I caught the ole bus."--_J. Brodie, 177 Manor Road, +Mitcham, Surrey._ + + +Dinner before Mines! + +"Somewhere in the North Sea" in 1917, when I was a stoker on H.M.S. +_Champion_, there were plenty of floating mines about. + +One day, several of us were waiting outside the galley (cook house) for +our dinners, and the cook, a man from Walworth, was shouting out the +number of messes marked on the meat dishes which were ready for the men +to take away. + +He had one dish in his hand with no number marked on it, when a stoker +rushed up and shouted: "We nearly struck a mine--missed it by inches, +Cookey." But Cookey only shouted back: "Never mind about blinkin' mines +nah; is this _your_ perishin' dish with no tally on it?"--_W. Downs +(late stoker, R.N.), 20 Tracey Street, Kennington Road, S.E._ + + +A Philosopher at Sea + +We were a helpless, sorry crowd, many of us with legs in splints, in +the hold of a "hospital" ship crossing from Boulogne. The boat stopped +dead. + +"What are we stopping for, mate?" one man asked the orderly. + +"The destroyers wot's escortin' of us is chasin' a German submarine. +I'm just a-goin' on deck agin to see wot's doin'." As he got to the +ladder he turned to say: "Nah, you blokes: if we gits 'it by a torpedo +don't go gettin' the ruddy wind up an' start rushin' abaht tryin' ter +git on deck. It won't do yer wounds no bloomin' good!"--_E. Bundy (late +L/Corporal, 1/5th L.F.A., 47th Division), 4 Upton Gardens, Barkingside, +Ilford, Essex._ + + +Extra Heavyweight + +Amongst the crew of our mine-sweeper during the war "Sparks," the +wireless operator, was a hefty, fat chap, weighing about 18 stone. One +day while clearing up a mine-field, laid overnight by a submarine, we +had the misfortune to have four or five of the mines explode in the +"sweep." + +The explosion shattered every piece of glass in the ship, put the +engines out of action, and nearly blew the ship out of the water. + +"Bill," one of our stokers--a Cockney who, being off watch, was asleep +in his bunk--sat up, yawned, and exclaimed in a sleepy voice: "'Ullo, +poor ole 'Sparks' fallen out of 'is bunk again! 'E'll 'urt 'isself one +of these days!"--_R.N.V.R., Old Windsor, Berks._ + + +Three Varieties + +The boat on which I was serving as a stoker had just received two new +men as stokers. + +On coming down the stokehold one of them seemed intent on finding out +what different perils could happen to him. + +After he had been inquiring for about an hour a little Cockney, +rather bored, got up and said, "Now look here, mate. The job ain't +so bad, looking at it in this light--you've three ways of snuffing +it: one is _burnt_ to death, the other is _scalded_ to death; or, +if you're damn lucky, _drowned_. That's more chances than they have +upstairs."--_B. Scott (late Stoker, H.M.S. "Marlborough"), 29 Stanley +Road, Southend-on-Sea, Essex._ + + +He was a Bigger Fish + +The battleship in which I was serving was picking up survivors from a +torpedoed merchantman in the North Atlantic. They had been drifting +about for hours clinging to upturned boats and bits of gear that had +floated clear of the wreckage. + +Our boat had picked up three or four half-drowned men and was just +about to return to the ship when we espied a fat sailor bobbing about +with his arms around a plank. We pulled up close to him and the bow-man +leaned out with a boat-hook and drew him alongside. + +[Illustration: "Wot d'yer fink I am--a blinkin' tiddler?"] + +He seemed to have just strength enough left to grasp the gunwale, +when we were surprised to hear him shout, in an unmistakable Cockney +voice: "All right, Cockey, un'itch that boat 'ook. Wot d'yer fink I +am--a blinkin' tiddler?"--_Leslie E. Austin, 6 Northumberland Avenue, +Squirrels Heath, Romford, Essex._ + + +The "Arethusa" Touch + +During the action off Heligoland in August 1914 the light cruiser +_Arethusa_ came under a hot fire. A shell penetrated the chief stoker's +mess, knocked a drawer full of flour all over the deck, but luckily +failed to explode. + +A Cockney stoker standing in the mess had a narrow escape, but after +surveying the wreckage and flour-covered deck all he said was: "Blowed +if they ain't trying to make a blinkin' duff in our mess!"--_C. H. Cook +(Lieut., R.N.V.R.), 91 Great Russell Street, W.C.1._ + + +His Chance to Dive + +During the early part of 1917, whilst I was serving with one of H.M. +transports, we had occasion to call at Panama for coaling purposes +before proceeding to England via New York. + +One of our many Cockney sailors was a fine swimmer and diver. He took +every opportunity to have what he termed "a couple of dives." + +Owing to the water being rather shallow immediately along the quay, his +diving exhibitions were limited to nothing higher than the forecastle, +which was some 30 ft. His one desire, however, was to dive from the +boat-deck, which was about 60 ft. Whilst steaming later in the front +line of our convoy, which numbered about forty-two ships, we became the +direct target of a deadly torpedo. Every soul dashed for the lifeboats. + +After things had somewhat subsided I found our Cockney +friend--disregarding the fact that our ship was badly damaged and was +now listing at an almost impossible angle--posing rather gracefully for +a dive. He shouted, "Hi! hi! Wot abaht this 'un? I told yer I could do +it easy!" He then dived gracefully and swam to a lifeboat.--_Bobbie +George Bull (late Mercantile Marine), 40 Warren Road, Leyton, E.10._ + + +Wot Abaht Wot? + +In 1917 our job on an armed merchantman, H.M.A.S. _Marmora_, was to +escort food ships through the danger zone. One trip we were going to +Sierra Leone, but in the middle of the afternoon, when about two days +out from Cardiff, we were torpedoed. + +The old ship came to a standstill and we all proceeded to action +stations. Just as we were training our guns in the direction of the +submarine another torpedo struck us amidships and smashed practically +all the boats on the port side. + +"Abandon ship" was given, as we were slowly settling down by the bows. +Our boat was soon crowded out, and there seemed not enough room for a +cat. The last man down the life-line was "Tubby," our cook's mate, who +came from Poplar. + +When he was about half way down the boat was cut adrift and "Tubby" was +left hanging in mid-air. "Hi!" he shouted. "What abaht it?" + +Another Cockney (from Battersea) replied: "What abaht what?" + +"Abaht coming back for me." + +"What do you take us for," said the lad from Battersea; "do yer fink we +all want the sack fer overcrowdin'?" + +"Tubby" was, of course, picked up after a slight immersion.--_C. Phelps +(late R.M.L.I.), 36 Oxford Road, Putney, S.W.15._ + + +Water on the Watch + +I was one of the crew of a patrol boat at the Nore in the winter of +1915. Most of the crew had gone to the dockyard to draw stores and +provisions, and I was down in the forecastle when I heard a shout +for help. I nipped up on deck and discovered that our Cockney stoker +had fallen overboard. He was trying to swim for dear life, though +handicapped by a pair of sea boots and canvas overalls over his +ordinary sailor's rig. A strong tide was running and was carrying him +away from the boat. + +I threw a coil of rope to him, and after a struggle I managed to haul +him aboard. I took him down to the boiler room and stripped off his +clothes. + +Around his neck was tied a bootlace, on the end of which was hanging +a metal watch, which he told me he had bought the day before for five +shillings. The watch was full of sea water, and there was an air bubble +inside the glass. As he held it in his hand he looked at it with +disgust. When I said to him what a wonderful escape his wife had had +from being left a widow, he replied, "Yes, it was a near fing, ole' +mate, but wot abaht me blinkin' bran' noo watch? It's gone and turned +itself into a perishin' spirit level, and I've dipped five bob."--_W. +Carter, 55 Minet Avenue, Harlesden, N.W.10._ + +[Illustration: "A perishin' spirit level."] + + +A Gallant Tar + +An awe-inspiring sight met the eyes of the 29th Division as they came +into view of Gallipoli on the morning of April 25, 1915. Shells from +our ships were bursting all over that rugged coast, and those from the +enemy bespattered the water around us. + +While I gazed at the scene from the deck of the _Andania_, carried away +by the grandeur of it all, my reverie was broken by a Cockney voice +from the sailor in charge of the small boat that was to take us ashore. +"'Op in, mate," said the sailor. "I've just lorst three boats. I reckon +I'll soon have to take the blooming island meself." + +His fourth trip was successfully accomplished, but the fifth, alas! was +fatal both to this gallant tar and to the occupants of his boat.--_G. +Pull (late 1st R. Innis. Fus.), 20 Friars Place Lane, Acton, W.3._ + + +A Cap for Jerry + +Dawn, September 1, 1917, H.M. destroyer _Rosalind_ was engaged with +enemy ships off Jutland. I was serving on one of the guns, and we were +approaching the enemy at full speed. The ship was vibrating from end +to end, and the gun fire, the bursting of shells, and the smell of the +cordite had got our nerves at high tension. + +When we were very near the enemy one of the German ships blew up +completely in a smothering cloud of smoke. + +At this time something went wrong with our ammunition supply, and we +had used up all that we usually carried on the gun platform. One of the +gun's crew, a Cockney, put his cap in the breech, and said "Quick! Send +'em this to put the lid on that blinkin' chimney." We all had to laugh, +and carried on.--_W. E. M. (late H.M.S. "Rosalind"), 19 Kimberley Road, +Leytonstone, E.11._ + + +Give 'im 'is Trumpet Back + +After the _Britannia_ was torpedoed in November 1918, and the order +"Abandon Ship" had been given, the crew had to make their way as best +they could to a destroyer which had pulled up alongside. + +Hawsers were run from the _Britannia_ to the destroyer, down which we +swarmed. Some got across. Others were not so lucky. One of the unlucky +ones who had a free bath was a Cockney stoker nicknamed "Shorty," who, +after splashing and struggling about, managed to get near the destroyer. + +To help him a burly marine dangled a rope and wooden bucket over the +side, this being the only means of rescue available. The marine, who +was puffing at a large meerschaum pipe, called out: "Here y'are, +Shorty, grab 'old o' this bucket an' mind yer don't drown yerself in +it." + +"Shorty" makes sure of bucket, then wipes the water from his eyes, +looks up to the marine, and says: "Garn, give the kid 'is trumpet +back."--_G. Lowe (ex-R.M.L.I.), 18 Brocas Street, Eton, Bucks._ + + +Getting the Range + +It was on H.M. monitor _General Wolfe_, my first ship, and this was my +first taste of actual warfare. + +We were lying anchored off the Belgian coast, shelling an inland +objective with our 18-in. gun, the ammunition for which, by the way, +was stowed on the upper deck. + +All ratings other than this gun's crew were standing by for "action +stations." Just then the shore batteries opened fire on us. The first +shot fell short, the next went over. + +A Cockney member of my gun's crew explained it thus: "That's wot they +calls a straddle," he said. "They finds our range that way--one short, +one over, and the next 'arf way between. Got a 'bine on yer before it's +too late?"--_Regd. W. Ayres (late A.B., R.N.), 50 Lewisham High Road, +New Cross, S.E. 14._ + + +Coco-nut Shies + +Early in 1915 I was attached to one of our monitors in the Far East. We +had painted the ship to represent the country we were fighting in. The +ship's side was painted green with palm trees on it, and up the funnel +we painted a large coco-nut tree in full bloom. + +When we went into action, a shell penetrated our funnel, and a splinter +caught my breech worker in the shoulder. After we had ceased fire we +carried him below on a stretcher. Looking at the funnel, he said, +"Blimey, Tom, 'appy 'Ampstead and three shies a penny. All you knock +down you 'ave." + +Later I went to see him in Zanzibar Hospital, and told him he had been +awarded the D.S.M. He seemed more interested to know if the German +had got his coco-nut than in his own award.--_T. Spring (late Chief +Gunner's Mate, R.N.), 26 Maidenstone Hill, Greenwich, S.E.10._ + + +"Any more for the 'Skylark'?" + +Passing through the Mediterranean in 1916, the P. & O. liner _Arabia_, +returning from the East with a full complement of passengers, was +torpedoed. + +I was in charge of a number of naval ratings returning to England, who, +of course, helped to get the boats away. + +While some of my boys were getting out one of the port boats a woman +passenger, who had on a Gieves waistcoat, rushed up, holding the air +tube in front of her, and shouting hysterically, "Oh, blow it up +somebody, will somebody please blow it up?" A hefty seaman with a +couple of blasts had the waistcoat inflated, and as he screwed up the +cap said, "Look 'ere, miss, if yer 'oller like that Fritzy will 'ear +yer and he _will_ be angry. 'Ere you are, miss, boat all ready; 'op in." + +Then, turning round to the waiting passengers, he said, "Come on, any +more for the 'Skylark'?"--_F. M. Simon (Commander, R.N., retd.), 99 +Lower Northdown Road, Margate._ + + +Still High and Dry + +Whilst patrolling on an exceptionally dark night, the order being "No +lights showing," we had the misfortune to come into collision with a +torpedo boat. Owing to the darkness and suddenness of the collision +we could not discover the extent of the damage, so the officer of the +watch made a "round," accompanied by the duty petty officer. + +Upon reaching a hatchway leading down to the stokers' mess deck, he +called down: "Is there any water coming in down there?" In answer a +Cockney stoker, who was one of a number in their hammocks, was heard to +reply: "I don't fink so; it ain't reached my 'ammock yet."--_J. Norton +(late Ldg. Stoker, R.N.), 24 Lochaline Street, Hammersmith, W.6._ + + +Trunkey Turk's Sarcasm + +We were serving in a destroyer (H.M.S. _Stour_) in 1915, steaming up +and down the East Coast. As we passed the different coastguard stations +the bunting-tosser had to signal each station for news. + +One station, in particular, always had more to tell than the others. +One day this station signalled that a merchant ship had been torpedoed +and that German submarines were near the coast. + +My Cockney chum--we called him Trunkey Turk because of his big +nose--asked the bunting-tosser for his news as he was coming down from +the bridge, and when he was told, said, "Why didn't you ask them if +they saw a tin of salmon in their tot of rum to-day?"--_J. Tucknott, 2 +Wisbeach Road, West Croydon._ + + +Running Down the Market + +On board a destroyer in the North Sea in 1916. Look-out reports, "Sail +ahead, sir." + +The captain, adjusting his glasses, was able to make out what at first +appeared to be a harmless fisherman. + +As we drew nearer we could see by her bow wave that she had something +more than sails to help her along: she had power. + +"Action Stations" was sounded, the telegraphs to engine-room clanged +"Full speed ahead." Our skipper was right. It was a German submarine, +and as our foremost gun barked out we saw the white sails submerge. + +Depth charges were dropped at every point where we altered course. +Imagine our surprise to find the resulting flotsam and jetsam around us +consisted of trestles, boards, paint-brushes, boxes, and a hat or two, +which the crafty Germans had used to camouflage their upper structure. + +The scene was summed up neatly by "Spikey" Merlin, A.B., a real product +of Mile End Road: "Lor' luv old Aggie Weston, we've run dahn the +blinkin' Calerdonian Markit."--_A. G. Reed (late R.N.), 15 William +Street, Gravesend, Kent._ + + +Five to One against the "Tinfish" + +H.M.S. Morea, on convoy duty, was coming up the Channel when the silver +streak of a "tinfish" was seen approaching the port side. The _Morea_ +was zig-zagging at the time, so more helm was given her to dodge the +oncoming torpedo. + +The guns' crews were at action stations and were grimly waiting for the +explosion, when a Cockney seaman gunner sang out, "I'll lay five to one +it doesn't hit us." + +This broke the tension, and, as luck would have it, the torpedo passed +three yards astern.--_J. Bowman (R.N.), 19 Handel Mansions, Handel +Street, W.C.1._ + + +A Queer Porpoise + +In September 1914 I was in H.M.S. _Vanguard_, patrolling in the North +Sea. One day four of us were standing on the top of the foremast +turret, when all of a sudden my pal Nobby shouted to the bridge above +us, "Periscope on the port bow, sir." At once the captain and signalman +levelled their telescopes on the object. Then the captain looked over +the bridge and shouted, "That's a porpoise, my man." + +Nobby looked up at the bridge and said, "Blimey, that's the first time +I've seen a porpoise wiv a glass eye." + +He had no sooner said it than the ship slewed to port and a torpedo +passed close to our stern, the signalman having spotted the wake of a +torpedo.--_M. Froggat, 136 Laleham Road, Catford, S.E._ + + +"Hoctopus" with One Arm + +At the time when the German submarine blockade was taking heavy toll +of all general shipping I was serving aboard a destroyer doing escort +work in the Channel. One night three ships had been torpedoed in quick +succession, and we understood they were carrying wounded. + +We were kept pretty busy dodging from one place to another to pick up +survivors, and during our "travels" a ship's boat was sighted close at +hand. In the darkness we could just make out the figure of a soldier +endeavouring to pull a full-sized oar. + +After hailing the boat someone on our destroyer shouted, "Why didn't +you get some more oars out?" A voice replied: "Don't be so funny. D'yer +fink I'm a hoctopus? Our engines 'ave all conked aht." Which remark +raised a laugh from the entire boatload. + +On getting closer alongside the tragedy dawned on us. This Cockney +was the only man (out of about thirty) who was sound enough to handle +an oar, and he only had one arm and a half.--_H. G. Vollor (late +Ldg.-seaman, R.N.), 73 Playford-Road, Finsbury Park, N.4._ + + +Interrupted Duel + +The C.O. of my ship had his own way of punishing men who were brought +before him for fighting. + +He would send for the gunner's mate and tell him to have the two +men up on the upper deck, in view of the ship's company, armed with +single-sticks. The gunner's mate would get them facing each other, give +them the first order of "Cutlass practice"--"Guard!" then "Loose play." +At that order they would go for each other hammer and tongs till one +gave in. + +Such a dispute had to be settled one day while we were patrolling the +North Sea. The combatants were just getting warm to it when the alarm +buzzers went--enemy in sight. + +The gunner's mate, who was refereeing the combat, said: "Pipe dahn, you +two bounders. Hop it to your action stations, and don't forget to come +back 'ere when we've seen them off." + +Fortunately they were both able to "come back."--_John M. Spring (late +P.O., R.N.), Bank Chambers, Forest Hill, S.E.23._ + + +Enter Dr. Crippen + +Our ship, the s.s. _Wellington_, was torpedoed on August 14, 1917, and +we were a despondent crew in the only two boats. The U-boat that had +sunk our ship appeared and we were wondering what was going to happen +to us. + +As the U-boat bore down upon us my mate, Nigger Smith (from Shoreditch) +spotted its commander, who wore large spectacles, on its conning tower +bridge. "Blimey," said Nigger, "'ere's old Crippen!"--_J. Cane (late +Gunner, R.M.), 73 Rahere Street, E.C.1._ + + +The All-seeing Eye + +My pal Pincher and I volunteered out of the destroyer _Vulture_ for the +Q-boats, and got detailed for the same mystery ship. After a lot of +drills--"Abandon ship," "Panic crews away," etc.--we thought we were +hot stuff. + +Knocking about the Channel one fine day the order came, "Panic crews to +stations." Thinking it was drill, Pincher and I nipped into our boat, +when the after fall carried away, letting Pincher, myself, and crew +into the "drink." + +Pincher must have caught sight of the periscope of a U-boat, for on +coming up (although he couldn't swim much) he said when I grabbed him: +"Lumme, I'm in for fourteen penn'orth!" (14 days 10A, i.e. punishment +involving extra work). "There's the skipper lookin' at me through 'is +telescope, and they aven't piped 'ands to bathe yet."--_P. Willoughby +(late R.N.), 186 Evelyn Street, S.E.8._ + + +The Submarine's Gamps + +While patrolling in the Sea of Marmora a British submarine came across +several umbrellas floating in the sea, presumably from a sunken ship. +Some of them were acquired by the crew. + +On the passage down the Dardanelles the submarine was damaged in the +conning tower by gun-fire from the Turkish batteries, and water began +to come in. + +At this critical stage I overheard one sailor remark to another, "I +say, Bill, don't you think it is about time we put those blinkin' +umbrellas up?"--_Naval officer retired, Hampstead, N.W.3._ + + +Polishing up his German + +About January 15, 1915, we were on patrol duty in the North Sea. Near +daybreak we came across a number of German drifters, with carrier +pigeons on board, that were suspected of being in touch with submarines. + +We were steaming in line abreast, and the order was signalled for each +ship to take one drifter in tow. Our Jerry objected to being towed to +England, and cut our tow-rope, causing us a deal of trouble. + +Our captain was in a rage and shouted down from the bridge to the +officer of the watch, "Is there anyone on board who can speak German?" + +The officer of the watch called back, "Yes, sir; Knight speaks +German"--meaning an officer. + +So the captain turned to the bos'n's mate and said, "Fetch him." The +bos'n's mate sends up Able Seaman "Bogey" Knight, to whom the captain +says, over his shoulder: "Tell those fellows that I'll sink 'em if they +tamper with the tow again." + +With a look of surprise Bogey salutes and runs aft. Putting his hands +to his mouth. Bogey shouts: + +"Hi! there, drifterofsky, do yer savvy?" and makes a cut with his hand +across his arm. "If yer makes de cut agin, I makes de shoot--(firing an +imaginary rifle)--and that's from our skipper!" + +[Illustration: "I makes de shoot."] + +Bogey's mates laughed to hear him sprachen the German; but Jerry didn't +cut the tow again.--_E. C. Gibson, 3 Slatin Road, Stroud, Kent._ + + + + +5. HERE AND THERE + + +Answered + +We were a working party of British prisoners marching through the +German barracks on our way to the parcel office. Coming towards us was +a German officer on horseback. When he arrived abreast of us he shouted +in very good English: "It's a long way to Tipperary, boys, isn't it?" +This was promptly answered by a Cockney in the crowd: "Yus! And it's +a ruddy long way to Paris, ain't it?"--_C. A. Cooke, O.B.E. (late +R.N.D.), 34 Brandram Road, Lee High Road, S.E._ + + +A Prisoner has the Last Laugh + +Scene: A small ward in Cologne Fortress, occupied by about twelve +British prisoners of war. + +Time: The German M.O.'s inspection. Action: The new sentry on guard in +the corridor had orders that all must stand on the M.O.'s entry. Seeing +the M.O. coming, he called out to us. We jumped to it as best we could, +except one, a Cockney, who had just arrived minus one leg and suffering +from other injuries. + +Not knowing this, the sentry rushed over to him, yelling that he must +stand. Seeing that no notice was being taken, he pointed his rifle +directly at the Cockney. With an effort, since he was very weak and in +great pain, the Cockney raised himself, caught hold of the rifle and, +looking straight at it, said: "Dirty barrel--seven days!" + +The M.O., who had just arrived, heard the remark, and, understanding +it, explained it to the sentry, who joined in our renewed +laughter.--_A. V. White, 35 Mayville Road, Leytonstone, E.11._ + + +Not Yet Introduced + +We were prisoners of war, all taken before Christmas 1914, and had been +drafted to Libau, on the Baltic coast. + +Towards the end of 1916 a party of us were working on the docks when a +German naval officer approached and began talking to us. + +During the conversation he said he had met several English admirals and +named some of them. + +After a little while a Cockney voice from the rear of our party said, +"'Ave you ever met Jellicoe, mate?" + +The officer replied in the negative, whereupon the Cockney said, "Well, +take yer bloomin' ships into the North Sea: he's looking for yer."--_F. +A. F. (late K.O.Y.L.I.), 4 Shaftesbury Road, W.6._ + + +On the Art of Conversation + +In 1916 the British R.N.A.S. armoured cars, under Commander Oliver +Locker-Lampson, went from Russia to Rumania to help to stem the enemy's +advance. + +One day, at the frontier town of Reni, I saw a Cockney petty officer +engaged in earnest conversation with a Russian soldier. Finally, the +two shook hands solemnly, saluted, and parted. + +"Did he speak English?" I asked when the Russian had gone away. "Not +'im," said the P.O. + +"Perhaps you speak Russian?" I asked, my curiosity aroused. "No +bloomin' fear!" he said, for all the world as if I had insulted him. + +"Then how do you speak to each other?" + +"That's easy, sir," he said. "'E comes up to me an' says 'Ooski, +kooski, wooski, fooski.' 'Same to you,' says I, 'an' many of 'em, +ol' cock.' 'Bzz-z-z, mzz-z-z, tzz-z-z,' says 'e. 'Thanks,' I says. +'Another time, ol' boy. I've just 'ad a couple.' 'Tooralski, looralski, +pooralski,' 'e says. 'Ye don't say!' says I. 'An' very nice, too,' I +says, 'funny face!' + +"'Armony," he explained. "No quarrellin', no argifyin', only peace an' +'armony.... Of course, sir, every now an' again I says 'Go to 'ell, y' +silly blighter!'" + +"What for?" + +He looked at me coldly. "'Ow do I know but what the blighter's usin' +insultin' words to me?" he asked.--_R. S. Liddell, Rosebery Avenue, +E.C.1._ + + +Down Hornsey Way + +Here is a story of the Cockney war spirit at home. We called him +"London" as he was the only Londoner in the troop. Very pale and +slight, he gave the impression of being consumptive, yet he was quite +an athlete, as his sprinting at the brigade sports showed. + +We had been on a gunnery course up Hornsey way, and with skeleton kit +were returning past a large field in which were three gas chambers +used for gas drill. No one was allowed even to go in the field unless +equipped with a gas-mask. Suddenly a voice called out, "Look, there's a +man trying to get in yon chamber." + +We shouted as loud as we could, but beyond waving his arms the +figure--which looked to be that of a farm labourer--continued to push +at the door. Then I saw "London" leap the gate of the field and sprint +towards the chamber. When he was about 50 yards off the man gave a +sudden lurch at the door and passed within. We called to "London" to +come back, but a couple of seconds later he too was lost from view. + +One minute--it seemed like an hour--two, three, five, ten, and out came +"London." He dragged with him the bulky labourer. Five yards from the +chamber he dropped. Disregarding orders, we ran to his assistance. +Both his eyes were swollen, his lip was cut, and a large gash on the +cheek-bone told not of gas, but of a fight. + +He soon came to--and pointing to his many cuts said, "Serves me right +for interfering. Thought the fellah might have been gassed, but there's +none in there; and hell--he _can_ hit."--_"Selo-Sam," late Yorks +Dragoons._ + + +"... Wouldn't Come Off" + +He hailed from Walworth and was the unfortunate possessor of a +permanent grin. + +The trouble began at the training camp at Seaford when the captain was +inspecting the company. + +"Who are you grinning at?" said he. "Beg parding," replied Smiler, "but +I can't help it, sir. I was born like it." + +On the "other side" it was the same. The captain would take Smiler's +grin as a distinct attempt to "take a rise" out of him. The result was +that all the worst jobs seemed to fall upon the luckless Londoner. + +He was one of the "lucky lads" selected one night for a working party. +While he was so engaged Jerry sent over a packet which was stopped by +Smiler, and it was quickly apparent to him and to us that this was more +than a Blighty one. + +As I knelt by his side to comfort him he softly whispered, "Say, mate, +has Jerry knocked the blinkin' smile off?" + +"No," I replied, "it's still there." + +Then, with a strange light in his eyes, he said, "Won't the captain be +darned wild when he hears about it?"--_P. Walters (late Cpl., Royal +Fusiliers), 20 Church Street, Woolwich, S.E.18._ + + +When In Greece...? + +On a Greek island overlooking the Dardanelles, where we were stationed +in 1916, my pal Sid and I were one day walking along a road when we saw +approaching us a poor-looking knock-kneed donkey. On its back, almost +burying it, was a huge pile of brushwood, and on top of this sat a +Greek, whilst in front walked an elderly woman, probably his wife, also +with a load of twigs on her back. + +Sid's face was a study in astonishment and indignation. "Strewth!" he +muttered to himself. To the Greek he said, "Hi, 'oo the dickens d'you +fink you are--the Lord Mayor? Come down orf of there!" + +The Greek didn't understand, of course, but Sid had him down. He seemed +to be trying to remonstrate with Sid, but Sid wasn't "'avin' no excuses +of that sort," and proceeded to reverse the order of things. He wanted +"Ma" to "'op up an' 'ave a ride," but the timid woman declined. Her +burden, however, was transferred to the man's back, and after surveying +him in an O.C. manner, Sid said: "Nah, pass on, an' don't let it 'appen +again!"--_H. T. Coad (late R.M.L.I.), 30 Moat Place, Stockwell, S.W.9._ + + +The Chef Drops a Brick + +At a prisoners of war camp, in Havre, it was my duty to make a daily +inspection of the compound within the barbed wire, and also the +officers' quarters. + +In charge of the officers' mess was a little Cockney corporal, but +practically all the cooking and other work was done by German prisoners. + +We had just put on trial a new cook, a German, who had told us that he +had been a chef before the war at one of the big London hotels. + +I was making my usual inspection with my S. M., and when we came to +the officers' mess he bawled out "'Shun! Officer's inspection, any +complaints?" + +The new German cook apparently did not think that this applied to him, +and, wanting to create a good impression, he strolled across to me in +the best _maitre d'hotel_ style, and exclaimed, "Goot mornung, sir. I +tink ve are go'n to haf som rain." + +[Illustration: "'Ow long 'ave you bin a partner in the firm?"] + +Our little corporal appeared astounded at this lack of respect, and, +going over to the German, he said in a loud voice: "Put thet knife +dahn, an' stand to attention. Ve'r gorn to 'ave some rine, indeed!" And +then, in a louder voice, "_Ve_ are. 'Ow long 'ave _you_ bin a partner +in the firm?"--_Lieut. Edwin J. Barratt (Ex-"Queens" R.W. Surrey +Regt.), 8 Elborough Street, Southfields, S.W.18._ + + +His "Read" Letter Day + +At Sorrel le Grand, which our division had just taken in 1917, we took +up a good position for our machine gun in a small dug-out. + +I was cleaning my revolver on one of the steps, and it accidentally +went off. + +To my surprise and horror the bullet struck one of my comrades (who was +in a sitting position) in the centre of his steel helmet, creating a +huge dent. + +His remark was: "Lummy, it was a jolly good job I was reading one of +my girl's letters," and then continued reading.--_Robt. Fisher (late +Corpl., M.G.C.), 15 Mayesbrook Road, Goodmayes, Essex._ + + +Dan, the Dandy Detective + +Jerry's front line trench and ours were not three hundred yards apart. +Over that sinister strip of ground attack and counter-attack had +surged and ebbed in a darkness often turned to day by Verey lights and +star-shells. Brave men on each side had reached their objective, but +"fell Sergeant Death" often took charge. + +In our sector was a 1914 "Contemptible," who, despite mud and adverse +conditions, made his New Army comrades smile at his barrack-room +efforts to keep his uniform and equipment just so. + +Of Coster ancestry, his name was Dan, and, of course, they called him +Dandy. He felt distinctly annoyed when on several days an officer +passed him in the trench with the third button of his tunic missing. +"'Is batman ought bloomin' well be for it," he soliloquised. + +Another night visit to Jerry's trench, and again some poor fellows stay +there for keeps. In broad noonday Dan is once more aggrieved by seeing +an officer with a button missing who halts in the trench to ask him the +whereabouts of B.H.Q. and other details. The tunic looked the same, +third button absent, _but it was not the same officer_. + +Now Dan's platoon sergeant, also a Londoner, was a man who had +exchanged his truncheon for a more deadly weapon. Him Dan accosts: +"I've a conundrum I'd like to arsk you, sergeant, as I don't see +Sherlock 'Olmes nowhere. W'y do orficers lose their third button?" + +As became an ex-policeman, the sergeant's suspicions were aroused by +the coincidence, so much so indeed that he made discreet enquiries and +discovered that the original owner of a tunic minus a third button had +been reported missing, believed dead, after a recent trench raid. + +The adjutant very soon made it his business to intercept the new wearer +and civilly invite him to meet the O.C. at B.H.Q. Result: a firing +party at dawn. + +When the news of the spy filtered through, Dan's comment was; "Once, +when a rookie, I was crimed at the Tower for paradin' with a button +missin', but I've got even now by havin' an orficer crimed for the same +thing, even if he _was_ only a blinkin' 'Un!"--_H. G., Plaistow._ + + +The Apology + +A heavily-laden and slightly intoxicated Tommy, en route to France, +entered the Tube at Oxford Circus. As the train started he lurched and +trod heavily on the toes of a very distinguished "Brass Hat." + +Grabbing hold of the strap, he leaned down apologetically and murmured: +"_Sorry, Sergeant!_"--_Bert Thomas, Church Farm, Pinner, Middlesex._ + +[Illustration: "Sorry, Sergeant!"] + + +Too Scraggy + +We were prisoners in the infamous Fort Macdonald, near Lille, early in +May 1917, rammed into the dungeons there for a sort of "levelling down +process," i.e. starvation, brutal treatment, and general misery. After +eleven days of it we were on our way, emaciated, silent, and miserable, +to the working camps close behind the German lines, when a Cockney +voice piped up: + +"Nah then, boys, don't be down 'earted. They kin knock yer abaht and +cut dahn yer rations, but, blimey, they won't _eat_ us--not nah!"--_G. +F. Green, 14 Alma Square, St. John's Wood, N.W.8._ + + +So Why Worry? + +The following, written by a London Colonel, was hung up in one of our +dug-outs: + +"When one is a soldier, it is one of two things. One is either in a +dangerous place, or a cushy one. If in the latter, there is no need to +worry. If one is in a dangerous place, it is one of two things. One is +wounded, or one is not. If one is not, there is no need to worry. If +the former, it is either dangerous or slight. If slight, there is no +need to worry, but if dangerous, it is one of two alternatives. One +dies or recovers. If the latter, why worry? If you die you cannot. In +these circumstances the real Tommy never worries."--_"Alwas," Windmill +Road, Brentford, Middlesex._ + + +Commended by the Kaiser + +As prisoners of war we were unloading railway sleepers from trucks when +a shell dump blew up. German guards and British prisoners scattered in +all directions. Some of the Germans were badly wounded and, as shells +continued to explode, no attempt was made by their comrades to succour +them. + +Seeing the plight of the wounded, a Cockney lad called to some +fellow-prisoners crouching on the ground, "We can't leave 'em to die +like this. Who's coming with me?" + +He and others raced across a number of rail tracks to the wounded men +and carried them to cover. + +For this act of bravery they were later commended by the then +Kaiser.--_C. H. Porter (late East Surrey Regiment), 118 Fairlands +Avenue, Thornton Heath, Surrey._ + + +Only Fog Signals + +We were resting in Poperinghe in December 1915. One morning about 4.30 +a.m. we were called out and rushed to entrain for Vlamertinghe because +Jerry was attacking. + +The train was packed with troops, and we were oiling our rifle bolts +and checking our ammunition to be ready for action. We had not +proceeded far when Jerry started trying to hit the train with some +heavy shells. Several burst very close to the track. + +There was one young chap in our compartment huddled in a corner looking +rather white. "They seem to be trying to hit the train," he said. + +"Darkie" Webb, of Poplar, always cheerful and matter-of-fact, looked +across at the speaker and said, "'It the train? No fear, mate, them's +only signals; there's fog on the line."--_B. Pigott (late Essex Regt.), +55 Burdett Avenue, Westcliff-on-Sea._ + + +An American's Hustle + +I was on the extreme right of the British line on March 22, 1918, and +was severely wounded. I was picked up by the U.S. Red Cross. + +There was accommodation for four in the ambulance, and this was +apportioned between two Frenchmen, a Cockney gunner, and myself. + +Anxious to keep our spirits up, the kindly Yankee driver said, "Cheer +up! I'll soon get you there and see you put right," and as if to prove +his words he rushed the ambulance off at express speed, with the result +that in a few moments he knocked down a pedestrian. + +A short rest whilst he adjusted matters with the unfortunate +individual, then off again at breakneck speed. + +The Cockney had, up to now, been very quiet, but when our driver barely +missed a group of Tommies and in avoiding them ran into a wagon, the +Londoner raised himself on his elbow and in a hoarse voice said, "Naw +then, Sam, what the 'ell are you playing at? 'Aint yer got enough +customers?"--_John Thomas Sawyer (8th East Surreys), 88 Wilcox Road, +S.W.8._ + + +Truth about Parachutes + +Most English balloon observers were officers, but occasionally a +non-commissioned man was taken up in order to give him experience. + +On one such occasion the balloon burst in the air. The two occupants +made a hasty parachute exit from the basket. The courtesy usually +observed by the senior officer, of allowing the other parachute to get +clear before he jumps, was not possible in this instance, with the +result that the officer got entangled with the "passenger's" parachute, +which consequently did not open. + +Fortunately the officer's parachute functioned successfully and brought +both men safely to earth. Upon landing they were rather badly dragged +along the ground, being finally pulled up in a bush. + +The "passenger," a Cockney sergeant, was damaged a good deal, but upon +being picked up and asked how he had enjoyed his ride he answered, "Oh, +it was all right, but a parachute is like a wife or a toof-brush--you +reely want one to yourself."--_Basil Mitchell (late R.A.F.), 51 Long +Lane, Finchley, N.3._ + + +The Linguist + +[Illustration: "Moi--vous--'im--avec Allah!"] + +An Indian mule driver had picked up a German hand grenade of the +"potato masher" type, which he evidently regarded as a heaven-sent +implement for driving in a peg. Two Tommies tried to dissuade him, but, +though he desisted, he was obviously puzzled. So one of the Cockneys +tried to explain. "Vous compree Allah?" he asked, and raised his hand +above his head. Satisfied that the increasing look of bewilderment was +really one of complete enlightenment, he proceeded to go through a +pantomime of striking with the "potato masher" and, solemnly pointing +in turn to himself, to the Indian, and to his companion, said: "Moi, +vous, and 'im--avec Allah."--_J. F. Seignoir (Lt., R.A.), 13 Moray +Place, Cheshunt, Herts._ + + +Billiards isn't all Cannons + +My regiment was in action on the Marne on September 20, 1914. We had +been hammering, and had been hammered at, for some hours, until there +were very few of us left, and those few, being almost all of them +wounded or short of ammunition, were eventually captured and taken +behind the German lines. + +As we passed their trenches we saw a great number of German wounded +lying about. + +One of our lads, a reservist, who was a billiards marker in Stepney, +although badly wounded, could not resist a gibe at a German officer. + +"Strewth, Old Sausage and Mash," he cried, "your blokes may be good at +the cannon game, but we can beat yer at pottin' the blinkin' red. Look +at yer perishin' number board" (meaning the German killed and wounded). +And with a sniff of contempt he struggled after his mates into +captivity.--_T. C. Rainbird (late Pte., 1st West Yorks), 41 Cavalry +Crescent, Eastbourne, Sussex._ + + +Run?--Not Likely + +It was the beginning of the spring offensive, 1918, and the 2nd Army +Gun School, Wisques, was empty, as the men had gone into the line. A +handful of Q.M.A.A.C. cooks were standing by. + +I sent two little Cockney girls over to the instructors' chateau to +keep the fires up in case the men returned suddenly. I went to the camp +gate as an enemy bombing plane passed over. The girls had started back, +and were half-way across the field. The plane flew so low that the men +leaned over the side and jeered at us. + +I held my breath as it passed the girls--would they shoot them in +passing? The girls did not hasten, but presently reached me with faces +as white as paper. + +"Why didn't you run?" I said. + +"Lor', mum," came the reply, "yer didn't think as 'ow we was a-goin' +ter run with them there Germans up there, did ye? Not much!"--_C. N. +(late U.A., Q.M.A.A.C.), Heathcroft, Hampstead Way, N.W._ + + +At "The Bow Bells" Concert + +Whilst having a short spell away from the front line I attended a +performance given in Arras by the divisional concert party, "The Bow +Bells." + +During one of the items a long-range shell struck the building, +fortunately without causing any casualties among the audience. + +Although front-line troops are not given to "windiness," the +unexpectedness of this unwelcome arrival brought about a few moments' +intense silence, which was broken by a Cockney who remarked, "Jerry +_would_ come in wivvaht payin'."--_L. S. Smith (late 1-7 Middlesex +Regt., 56th Division, B.E.F.), 171 Langham Road, N.15._ + + +A Bomb and a Pillow + +During part of the war my work included salving and destroying "dud" +shells and bombs in the back areas. On one occasion in an air-raid a +"dud" bomb glanced through the side of a hut occupied by some fitters +belonging to an M.T. section of R.E.'s. + +This particular bomb (weighing about 100 lb.), on its passage through +the hut had torn the corner of a pillow on which the owner's head was +lying and carried feathers for several feet into the ground. + +We dug about ten feet down and then, as the hole filled with water as +fast as we could pump it out, we gave it up, the tail, which had become +detached a few feet down, being the only reward of our efforts. + +While we were in the midst of our operations the owner of the +pillow--very "bucked" at being unhurt after such a narrow shave--came +to look on, and with a glance down the hole and a grin at me said, +"Well, sir, if I'd known it 'ud give yer so much trouble, I'd 'a caught +it!"--_Arthur G. Grutchfield (late Major (D.A.D.O.S. Ammn.) R.A.O.C.), +Hill Rise, Sanderstead Road, Sanderstead, Surrey._ + + +Athletics in the Khyber Pass + +During the Afghan operations I was resting my company on the side of +the road at the Afghan entrance to the Khyber Pass. It was mid-day +and the heat was terrific, when along that heat-stricken road came a +British battalion. They had marched 15 miles that morning from Ali +Musfd. Their destination was Landi Kana, five miles below us on the +plain. + +As they came round the bend a cheer went up, for they spotted specks of +white canvas in the distance. Most of the battalion seemed to be on the +verge of collapse from the heat, but one Tommy, a Cockney, broke from +the ranks and had a look at the camp in the distance, and exclaimed: +"Coo! If I 'ad me running pumps I could sprint it!"--_Capt. A. G. A. +Barton, M.C., Indian Army, "The Beeches," The Beeches Road, Perry Bar, +Birmingham._ + + +Jack and his Jack Johnsons + +In September 1915 our battery near Ypres was crumped at intervals of +twenty minutes by 18-in. shells. The craters they made could easily +contain a lorry or two. + +One hit by the fifth shell destroyed our chateau completely. Leaving +our dug-outs I found a gunner smoking fags under the fish-net +camouflage at Number One gun. + +Asked sternly why he had not gone to ground, he replied, "Well, +yer see, sir, I'm really a sailor and when the earth rocks with +Jack Johnsons I feels at 'ome like. Besides, the nets keeps off the +flies."--_G. C. D. (ex-Gunner Subaltern, 14th Div.), Sister Agnes +Officers' Hospital, Grosvenor Crescent, S.W.1._ + + +Even Davy Jones Protested + +Towards the final stages of the Palestine front operations, when Johnny +Turk was retreating very rapidly, I was detailed with others to clear +and destroy enemy ammunition that had been left behind. + +When near the Sea of Galilee there was discovered a dump of aerial +bombs, each approximately 25 lb. in weight. Thinking it quicker and +attended by less risk than the usual detonation, I decided to drop them +in the sea. + +About ten bombs were placed aboard a small boat, and I with three +others pushed out about two hundred yards. Two of the bombs were +dropped overboard without ever a thought of danger when suddenly there +was a heavy, dull explosion beneath us, and boat, cargo, and crew were +thrown into the air. + +Nobody was hurt. All clung to the remains of the boat, and we were +brought back to our senses by one of our Cockney companions, who +remarked: "Even Davy Jones won't have the ruddy fings."--_A. W. Owen +(late Corporal, Desert Corps), 9 Keith Road, Walthamstow, E.17._ + + +"Parti? Don't blame 'im!" + +One summer afternoon in 1915 I was asked to deliver an official letter +to the Mayor of Poperinghe. The old town was not then so well known as +Toc H activities have since made it. At the time it was being heavily +strafed by long-range guns. Many of the inhabitants had fled. + +I rode over with a pal. The door of the _mairie_ was open, but the +building appeared as deserted as the great square outside. + +Just then a Belgian gendarme walked in and looked at us inquiringly. I +showed him the buff envelope inscribed "_Monsieur le Maire_," whereupon +he smiled and said, "_Parti_." + +At that moment there was a deafening crash outside and the air was +filled with flying debris and acrid smoke. In a feeling voice my chum +quietly remarked, "And I don't blinkin' well blame 'im, either!"--_F. +Street, 13 Greenfield Road, Eastbourne._ + + + _Printed in Great Britain by Hasell, Watson & Viney, Ltd., + London and Aylesbury._ + + _Published by Associated Newspapers, Ltd., London, E.C.4._ + + + + +Transcriber's Notes + +Obvious errors of punctuation and diacritics repaired. + +Hyphenation was made consistent. + +P. 49: "Dorian Lake" changed to "Doiran Lake". + +P. 103: "Hindenbrug" changed to "Hindenburg". + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's 500 of the Best Cockney War Stories, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COCKNEY WAR STORIES *** + +***** This file should be named 44263.txt or 44263.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/2/6/44263/ + +Produced by Brian Coe, Moti Ben-Ari and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +book was created from images of public domain material +made available by the University of Toronto Libraries +(http://link.library.utoronto.ca/booksonline/).) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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